Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes - #125 | I like to give advice that doesn't make sense

00:00:00.000 I like to give advice that doesn't make sense, as a joke.

00:00:04.000 Like today at the gym, I was telling one of the boxers who is much better than me, which is all of them, hey, you gotta point your toes.

00:00:13.000 Pointing, telling people to point their toes is a good one.

00:00:16.000 Because they think about it for a second.

00:00:19.000 Because it sounds good.

00:00:21.000 And I'm sure it's true when ladies are taking selfies in their bedroom.

00:00:27.000 And I'm sure it's true in ballet.

00:00:29.000 But it's not true in boxing, and it's definitely not true in baseball.

00:00:34.000 My son went out to his first practice last week, and they had three coaches that are really into baseball in this town.

00:00:41.000 And I go, alright guys, come on, when you're throwing the ball, let's try to point those toes.

00:00:48.000 And you can see their brains try to figure out how one would point one's toes.

00:00:53.000 I actually thought it'd be a good idea to get a baseball coach into the gym, and he could talk about a punch.

00:00:59.000 Like, when you throw a pitch, you're supposed to show the ball to the back of the stadium kind of a thing, and then you launch it forward.

00:01:09.000 And the mentality there is to try and encourage kids to get their arm way back before they throw a ball, because a lot of them kind of push the ball.

00:01:16.000 Now, that's not good advice to a boxer, because you're clearly very open when you reach your arm back way behind your head.

00:01:22.000 But I'd like to, I'd like to tell them to do that.

00:01:25.000 It's also telling the kids they got to dip, which is a boxing thing, right?

00:01:29.000 You got to bend your knees and stuff.

00:01:31.000 So I'm, I'm telling kids when you throw, you want to dip as the ball goes out, dip, dip the ball.

00:01:36.000 And some of them weren't believing it.

00:01:37.000 Even some of the dads who didn't know me well out of the coaches, I could see them sort of going, uh, I don't, okay.

00:01:44.000 I guess you should point your toes if you're jumping.

00:01:46.000 What?

00:01:47.000 And then one of the other dads goes, this guy's from Scotland, he doesn't know what the fuck he's talking about.

00:01:51.000 He's never played a game of baseball in his life.

00:01:55.000 It's also fun to discipline people's kids.

00:01:58.000 That's one of my favorite things ever.

00:02:02.000 It really is the best.

00:02:03.000 Where you go, hey, hey, Sandy, no, get that out of your mouth now.

00:02:08.000 We're not having candy this close to dinner.

00:02:11.000 No, no, no, no, no, no snacking.

00:02:13.000 And they get totally freaked out, because no one's ever done that before.

00:02:17.000 And I noticed the parents sort of go, wait a minute, is this a joke?

00:02:20.000 Or is that guy genuinely telling my kid what to do?

00:02:22.000 Because fuck you if you are.

00:02:26.000 Sometimes they let you.

00:02:28.000 And they go, go ahead, I don't care.

00:02:29.000 And then that's really fun.

00:02:30.000 Because you go, guys, guys, guys, what are we doing here?

00:02:33.000 No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no TV.

00:02:35.000 And you turn off the TV at someone else's house when someone else's kids are watching.

00:02:42.000 That was a funny thing about Cale, by the way.

00:02:45.000 I'm so glad that those feminists banished him from the comedy world and we don't get to, we're not subject to his horrible jokes.

00:02:51.000 But one of the things we're all safe from is, he was staying at my house for a while and there's all these people doing roof work and he stops on the road and looks up at them and he says to the construction workers, mostly illegal aliens,

00:03:07.000 He goes, guys, guys, guys, what the fuck do you think you're doing?

00:03:13.000 And they sort of look down and he goes, you know how dangerous that is?

00:03:15.000 Get down now.

00:03:18.000 Get down from there.

00:03:19.000 Absolutely not.

00:03:21.000 No way, Jose.

00:03:22.000 All of you down now.

00:03:26.000 They think he's maybe some sort of local architect who has decided they're, they're, they're, what's the word?

00:03:35.000 Perpetrating a zoning law?

00:03:36.000 Uh oh, I think it might not be funny today.

00:03:39.000 That's bad.

00:03:43.000 Well, I'm just sort of feeling it.

00:03:44.000 I know I have funny concepts, but if there's no delivery, then you got to shoot the messenger and the message is dead.

00:04:02.000 And when funny people hear something funny, like I hung out with Kristen Schaal a few times, who's obviously very funny.

00:04:09.000 Although I bet her politics are fucking exhausting.

00:04:12.000 She would always go, yeah, that's very funny.

00:04:14.000 That is very funny.

00:04:15.000 But not laugh.

00:04:16.000 Well, maybe I was disarmed by you not laughing.

00:04:18.000 You don't think that's the funniest thing in the world to tell construction workers to get down?

00:04:22.000 I might've heard that one before.

00:04:24.000 Oh.

00:04:25.000 It was all a case of the old, what was it called, that load's been blown already.

00:04:31.000 Yeah, that's true.

00:04:32.000 I have mentioned that story before.

00:04:34.000 But I am smiling going, oh yeah, I can't wait for other people to hear this.

00:04:37.000 Well, my neighbors are having their roof redone.

00:04:39.000 That's no excuse.

00:04:40.000 And it's all Irish.

00:04:42.000 Irish guys are doing the sort of main work and then legals are doing the sort of the menial tasks.

00:04:48.000 The illegal work.

00:04:49.000 But I like saying the Irish guys, let's cut the shit.

00:04:52.000 It's not so hard, is it?

00:04:53.000 You get up there, you move some bits of roof, you go down.

00:04:56.000 Because it's fucking hard.

00:04:59.000 And it looks so scary.

00:05:02.000 Roofing is one of the roughest jobs there is.

00:05:04.000 But roofing a slate roof?

00:05:06.000 When you're five stories up, I would be pooping in my panties.

00:05:12.000 I think I'm getting more scared of heights as I get older.

00:05:14.000 I mentioned that before, right?

00:05:16.000 More scared?

00:05:17.000 No, I don't think I've heard that.

00:05:18.000 We were at this water theme park in Orlando on vacation.

00:05:23.000 What the fuck was it called?

00:05:24.000 Volcano Bay or something?

00:05:27.000 And there's this one insane slide, the one where my youngest son was going, why?

00:05:32.000 Why?

00:05:33.000 Why must I live?

00:05:35.000 Because I told him to yell.

00:05:39.000 And that was what he said.

00:05:41.000 That's the dialogue he chose.

00:05:45.000 That's pretty deep and existential for a... Yeah, it is pretty existential.

00:05:51.000 Existential.

00:05:52.000 Existential.

00:05:53.000 Existential.

00:05:54.000 Oh, what were we working on the other day?

00:05:56.000 Tony Soprano.

00:05:57.000 British Tony Soprano.

00:05:58.000 British Tony Soprano, yeah.

00:06:00.000 It's a very difficult situation, mate.

00:06:02.000 What you don't don't muck about.

00:06:03.000 It's a very difficult situation.

00:06:06.000 Hey, this fucking bloke went up to my fucking friend.

00:06:09.000 Wait, you're just doing Tony Soprano, but with British words.

00:06:12.000 This bloke, his name is Paulie, right?

00:06:14.000 He went up to me bar and we were having a pot, you know?

00:06:18.000 Do British Jake Tapper.

00:06:20.000 Oh, John Taffer.

00:06:21.000 John Taffer.

00:06:22.000 See, that's impossible.

00:06:24.000 First you gotta, I think you gotta say like, hello, what are you doing?

00:06:27.000 Don't muck about.

00:06:28.000 All right, we've got the British guy and then there's the John Taffer.

00:06:31.000 Shut it down!

00:06:32.000 You're gonna get salmonella!

00:06:34.000 You know how old these pipes are?

00:06:36.000 They're over 15 years old.

00:06:38.000 That's gonna give somebody salmonella!

00:06:40.000 You should be ashamed of yourself!

00:06:41.000 No, British.

00:06:43.000 You should be ashamed of yourself!

00:06:44.000 It's just not possible.

00:06:46.000 You know why?

00:06:48.000 My mouth is too busy doing taffer, so it can't do British.

00:06:52.000 Our father's generation was inventing computers, coming up with sonars.

00:06:58.000 And just at home, they would fix the car or they'd build something.

00:07:02.000 I know where you're going with this.

00:07:03.000 Piece of pie compared to what I'm doing.

00:07:05.000 Piece of pie.

00:07:06.000 My buddy Trace was telling me he grew up in Houston where you couldn't really go out.

00:07:12.000 It's parts of the summer because it was 1 billion degrees.

00:07:15.000 So you wanted to practice baseball.

00:07:17.000 So one way to practice baseball inside the house is to whip ping pong balls.

00:07:22.000 You can whip them as hard as you can.

00:07:24.000 You can hit them like Cesspitas and they'll go 10 feet.

00:07:28.000 So go to the basement, you can whip tennis balls.

00:07:30.000 I mean, ping pong balls.

00:07:31.000 His dad, using PVC pipe, created this system with four different cannons combined with fans on them, where you drop the ping pong balls in the top and boom, boom, boom, boom, boom.

00:07:45.000 These four Nerf cannons shoot out ping pong balls, and with switches you can control the speed of the fans.

00:07:53.000 That's just the dad tooling around.

00:07:55.000 On a Thursday.

00:07:56.000 That's some white people shit.

00:07:58.000 You know how, like, black comics say that about skydiving?

00:08:01.000 Yeah.

00:08:01.000 It's also some white people shit is creating a fucking canon that solves a very specific problem.

00:08:06.000 What if a black comedian was doing jokes like that, and it was all corny stuff, and then he accidentally drifted into super awesome, amazing shit?

00:08:13.000 Like, fucking, find in the surface area of 3x plus y cubed, spot about the z-axis.

00:08:19.000 That's some white people shit right there.

00:08:22.000 Coming up, you got this white dude who's got some penicillin, and he just lays around in a petri dish, and the next thing you know, the motherfuckers invented antibiotics.

00:08:32.000 That's some white shit right there.

00:08:35.000 First it's like, yeah, first it's how they eat cereal.

00:08:38.000 White people be eating cereal like this.

00:08:40.000 I know y'all know it.

00:08:41.000 We all know it.

00:08:41.000 Yeah, it starts with about ten of those.

00:08:43.000 And then you're like, motherfuckers, white people sitting in a lab sequencing the genome in like seven days instead of seven weeks.

00:08:53.000 Carbon D. Motherfuckers biochemistry and shit all coming up with ways to cure cancer and shit.

00:09:00.000 Even the cancerous genes that can morph they selves.

00:09:05.000 They selves.

00:09:09.000 That also would be good as a guy in biochemistry who never lost his ghetto edge.

00:09:13.000 Oh, that's great.

00:09:13.000 He's like, these motherfuckers, I'm trying, you know that lung cancer nigga, he's got that... What do we call that bitch?

00:09:22.000 This is what I'm screaming, right?

00:09:24.000 Right, boss?

00:09:25.000 So on some subatomic shit.

00:09:27.000 You call it lung cancer, but you can get, that's C12, right?

00:09:29.000 You can get C12 in your fucking hip bone.

00:09:32.000 So we gotta stop calling this shit lung cancer.

00:09:34.000 Yes, 90% of the C12 is in the lungs, but you got motherfuckers with lung cancer in their legs, they got tumors in their stomachs.

00:09:43.000 That's something that a biochemist once told me, by the way.

00:09:45.000 I'm just saying it in a black way.

00:09:48.000 He was saying we should stop calling it breast cancer and lung cancer just because that's where it often is.

00:09:54.000 I guess, but he basically was saying you get lung cancer in your eyeballs.

00:09:57.000 Huh.

00:09:57.000 That's a bummer.

00:09:59.000 That's the name of my first solo record.

00:10:00.000 It's a country record.

00:10:02.000 Lung cancer in my eyeballs.

00:10:04.000 What was the name of that?

00:10:10.000 Oh, it was a British, that came from the British.

00:10:15.000 No, oh yeah, so that concept, right, of being a black comedian who starts out with white people walk like this and then eventually he ends up talking about sequencing the genome, that's fucking a brilliant piece of comedy.

00:10:28.000 Yeah.

00:10:28.000 That'd be cool, especially if you did it in, oh my god, if you did it in blackface, but it was blackface, hold on, that was so perfect that people didn't realize you were in blackface.

00:10:38.000 Like you had prosthetics.

00:10:39.000 Stretch.

00:10:41.000 And you never told anyone.

00:10:43.000 People just say there was this weird black comedian.

00:10:46.000 Something about him was unsettling.

00:10:47.000 I can't quite put my finger on it.

00:10:50.000 And meanwhile, the put your finger on it is that he had a prosthetic nose and a wig.

00:10:55.000 And you know how they can really do it.

00:10:56.000 Like the way they made the Wayne Brothers in White Chicks.

00:10:59.000 Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:11:00.000 But that's okay because it's about power.

00:11:02.000 I heard that.

00:11:04.000 You can make fun of White Chicks.

00:11:05.000 It's about power.

00:11:07.000 We were watching earlier Sarah Silverman on Belmar and it was when George, I was going to say George Takei, Guy Aoki.

00:11:18.000 Was the head of some Asian awareness foundation society and she had done this joke Which is unthinkable today, but it was just it's pretty tame and and the parody is obvious in it she said that she was going to do jury duty and Her friend told her to be racist in the application and you don't want to do it So she wrote I hate chinks in the thing and then she felt bad Because she didn't want to come across as racist and and that's not how she feels.

00:11:43.000 It's not who she is So to be more true to herself, she erased it and she wrote I love chinks

00:11:49.000 That's a funny joke.

00:11:51.000 It's a very funny, to me, and maybe I'm too offensive, but to me that sounds like Why the Chicken Crossed the Road.

00:11:57.000 It's a pleasant joke, I couldn't find it less offensive, it's anti-racist, and maybe people don't get Sarah, like when she did her own show it was pretty clear, most of her comedy is her being an idiot.

00:12:09.000 Like Howie Mandel back in the 80s, he would pretend to be this super dumb guy that didn't understand anything.

00:12:15.000 Sarah Silverman's comic character is this really selfish, vapid girl who tramples on everyone else's feelings just to help herself.

00:12:27.000 And I think it's based on reality.

00:12:29.000 I think she recognizes that's a trait in her and she

00:12:35.000 She lampoons herself.

00:12:36.000 Now in her new show, which I think is cancelled now, she was trying, it's called like, Me Meets America, and you can tell she doesn't like people.

00:12:46.000 Comedians tend to not like people.

00:12:48.000 So she did this show where she was going to get to meet right-wingers, left-wingers, and go across the country.

00:12:54.000 I think I would do a great job at that, because I genuinely like people.

00:12:58.000 But you can tell she has too much animosity from growing up as the only Jewish girl in New England.

00:13:04.000 And I don't know, she's calloused.

00:13:08.000 Bitter.

00:13:09.000 Bitter.

00:13:10.000 And she's not willing to forgive the South for the horrible things they did to her as a child, even though she was thousands of miles away.

00:13:18.000 And so that bombed, because it wasn't her being herself.

00:13:21.000 You know, right about what you know, Sarah.

00:13:23.000 But anyway, the reason we dug up this old clip on Bill Maher was to see if I was lying when I said that she made a pee-pee in the coke joke.

00:13:34.000 And the way I remembered it is, Guy Aoki wants her to apologize, and you can tell when you watch this clip that he's just trying to build a political career as the Asian Al Sharpton, and his heart is not in it.

00:13:44.000 At one point in the interview, he goes, look, if it was funny satire, that would be fine, but this wasn't funny.

00:13:50.000 And that's a common refrain from those people, because they don't want to look humorless.

00:13:54.000 So they go, I love offensive jokes, that just wasn't funny.

00:13:57.000 And now you go, okay, so what's your job again?

00:14:00.000 You police funniness?

00:14:02.000 Why?

00:14:03.000 And he said to Sarah, who, like her or not, she's built a career since she was a teen doing satire, and Guy Aoki has not.

00:14:14.000 He can barely master the English language.

00:14:16.000 He's got a really irritating accent that's subtle but annoying.

00:14:21.000 And he's saying, you know, if you knew how to do satire, and he's like, why is this guy from the I'm Really Offended Committee telling comedians how to do comedy?

00:14:32.000 And then she goes, well, tell me how to do it then.

00:14:34.000 Because Bill Marbert brought up a good point.

00:14:36.000 He says, all right.

00:14:37.000 If you're saying that you just did it wrong, but it's possible how to do it right, tell me how you would do it right.

00:14:42.000 And then he says, well, you could have said, I hate Chinese people.

00:14:45.000 And then after you realize that's bad, so you wrote, I love Chinese people.

00:14:49.000 Where's the joke there?

00:14:51.000 So you wrote on your application for jury duty, I love Chinese people.

00:14:55.000 How is that a standup?

00:14:57.000 How is that a joke?

00:14:59.000 He mathematically removed the funny.

00:15:04.000 With precision, like a precision surgery, removed the funny.

00:15:08.000 The chink is the funny part.

00:15:09.000 I don't think he realized that.

00:15:10.000 Right.

00:15:10.000 And in his joke, I hate Chinese people.

00:15:13.000 No, I erase it.

00:15:13.000 I love Chinese people.

00:15:14.000 Now the joke is just the person who applied to jury duty is really, really stupid.

00:15:20.000 Right.

00:15:20.000 And doesn't get that to write, I love Chinese people is a silly thing to say.

00:15:24.000 Well, yeah, that was funnier, though, when the person was stupid and racist or at least racially insensitive.

00:15:29.000 Anyway, I remembered her saying, hey, guys, during the commercial break, I just want you to know that this guy went pee-pee in my Coke.

00:15:37.000 So no one's going to mention that.

00:15:39.000 And I think the viewers at home should know.

00:15:42.000 And he was mortified.

00:15:43.000 That did not happen.

00:15:45.000 Mandela effect.

00:15:46.000 I misremembered.

00:15:48.000 What she said was,

00:15:50.000 And it was buried by laughter at the end, or applause, because they're going to commercial break.

00:15:55.000 She said, you should probably dig this up instead of coloring in Buzz Lightyear again.

00:15:59.000 Oh, no, no, no.

00:15:59.000 This is different.

00:16:01.000 Now you're cutting out a bridge for our new hit show.

00:16:08.000 She said, there's only two Asian people I don't like.

00:16:12.000 You and this guy, Steve, who went pee-pee in my Coke.

00:16:16.000 Now go to the clip, and it's at the very end.

00:16:20.000 And my brain had gone, man, that's not funny enough.

00:16:23.000 I'm going to add a commercial break.

00:16:26.000 Yeah, you made it funnier than the actual reality of it.

00:16:29.000 Thanks, Robin.

00:16:31.000 Yeah, you made it funnier, Howard.

00:16:33.000 Oh my.

00:16:37.000 Yeah, you're my, what's his name?

00:16:41.000 George Takai.

00:16:42.000 Yeah.

00:16:44.000 I can't tell you how many times I'm at a dinner table.

00:16:47.000 This is good, keep this.

00:16:56.000 of talking about this.

00:16:57.000 But I'm not, and that's what I do.

00:16:58.000 I'm so tired.

00:16:59.000 But I'm talking, I'm not talking to, I'm not, I don't want to convert anyone.

00:17:03.000 I'm talking to my choir, because I can't tell you how many times I'm at a dinner table, or I'm at, I'm playing golf, or whatever, and I have to hear someone say, oh, he really jewed me down on that, or he was slow as a nigger, or look at that beaner run, and then I have to say, who are you?

00:17:19.000 Wait, what?

00:17:20.000 Yeah.

00:17:21.000 What did Sarah say?

00:17:24.000 Who are you hanging out with?

00:17:25.000 But she's such a liar.

00:17:27.000 So that's that actress from the 80s.

00:17:30.000 What the hell is her name?

00:17:35.000 You won't recognize her when I put it up.

00:17:37.000 I don't recognize her.

00:17:39.000 Anne-Marie Johnson.

00:17:41.000 That's Anne-Marie Johnson.

00:17:42.000 She was on some 80s sitcom called, like, I'm the Twin or something.

00:17:46.000 And she has long brown hair.

00:17:49.000 She's very light-skinned, strong chin, sort of a Caucasian-looking nose.

00:17:54.000 She doesn't look black at all.

00:17:56.000 Maybe Latina.

00:17:57.000 I think she is half Latina, actually.

00:18:00.000 Yet, she's sitting there talking about how horrible it is for African-Americans.

00:18:03.000 And Bill Maher, this is back in 2001, where you could say things to people.

00:18:06.000 He goes, I wouldn't have known if you were black if you didn't tell me.

00:18:09.000 You know, that's why she hears it on the golf course, because they don't think... They look around for black people and they're like, oh, there's none here, so I'm gonna drop the bomb.

00:18:18.000 Except sometimes she misses and she goes, God damn it, what the f... And they go, what did you just say?

00:18:23.000 Uh, nothing.

00:18:25.000 I was doing an imitation.

00:18:27.000 But look at that slow, and I'm not going to say it, but look at that slow n-word.

00:18:34.000 No one's ever said that, ever.

00:18:36.000 Not once has anyone ever said that.

00:18:38.000 It's inaccurate.

00:18:39.000 It's inaccurate if you've ever seen the Kenyans destroy the Olympics, especially in the sprint.

00:18:43.000 But the other thing, look at that beaner run.

00:18:48.000 She's such a liar!

00:18:50.000 That is a lie.

00:18:51.000 You know what?

00:18:52.000 Let me allow my sexism to cloak this whole show.

00:18:55.000 Women are liars.

00:18:56.000 They're in out of their depth when they go to these debate shows, and they just make up shit.

00:19:01.000 So in order to improve her argument, Anne-Marie Johnson says that every time she plays golf, people say, look at that beaner run.

00:19:10.000 I can believe that that guy jewed me down, but I guarantee you if someone said that, it was in a jovial way.

00:19:18.000 And it wasn't, you know, vitriolic.

00:19:20.000 In fact, they're probably saying it to their Jewish friend.

00:19:23.000 Like, look at Sal Rosenberg Jew me down once again.

00:19:25.000 And he's like, well, that's how it works here.

00:19:27.000 I mean, I've seen people, Ezra's friends, talk to him like that in a jokey way.

00:19:32.000 He self-deprecates about how cheap he is.

00:19:34.000 It's a meme.

00:19:35.000 Yeah.

00:19:35.000 In fact, Scots are known as cheaper than Jews.

00:19:38.000 And whenever I'm with Ezra, we're constantly having cheap-offs.

00:19:42.000 In fact, another version of cheap, by the way, is making someone else spend a lot of money.

00:19:47.000 And he asked to meet me in New York on Monday.

00:19:50.000 And I said, yes, I'd love to meet.

00:19:52.000 And he goes, OK, name the place.

00:19:53.000 And I go, Keene's Steakhouse, where the mutton is $60.

00:19:58.000 And I think he was kind of pissed at me the whole dinner that I chose such an expensive place.

00:20:05.000 But, you know, a steak is still going to be, at a nice steakhouse, is going to be $30.

00:20:09.000 So all I did was add $30.

00:20:10.000 This is with the owner of my boss's company.

00:20:15.000 He's just looking down, grumbling like, so that means the potatoes must be fucking $10 a fucking spud.

00:20:22.000 Each of these fucking spuds is $10, Gavin?

00:20:24.000 And you're just like, what?

00:20:28.000 What is it, fucking 99 cent for a floret of broccoli?

00:20:31.000 This is bullshit.

00:20:32.000 No, it's actually more than that.

00:20:35.000 25 cents an ounce of gravy?

00:20:36.000 This is shit.

00:20:38.000 It's so good there that... You know when you have an abortion and...

00:20:44.000 And it kind of haunts you for the next couple days.

00:20:48.000 Yeah.

00:20:48.000 And you think, especially third trimester, and you're like, you can remember it hitting the plexiglass in that machine.

00:20:54.000 And you remember the vacuum hooked up to your vagina.

00:20:59.000 Keene's Steakhouse is the same.

00:21:01.000 You'll be on the train going home that night, even if you're drunk, and you'll just be looking out the window with the rain, the dew drops on the window, you know, uh, conspiring together, amalgamating, and then forming tears along the window as they fight against the wind.

00:21:21.000 And you'll just be thinking of that steak the whole time.

00:21:24.000 Is it that good?

00:21:24.000 Because I just passed it the other day and I was like... It haunts you.

00:21:27.000 Damn.

00:21:27.000 You can't eat there.

00:21:28.000 The cheapest thing is the 8 ounce and it's like $30.

00:21:31.000 I can go with the $60.

00:21:32.000 You can look in the window.

00:21:33.000 Instead of buying a pair of sneakers, I'll buy... Because I was going to buy myself a pair of Vans.

00:21:38.000 Why are you buying sneakers?

00:21:40.000 You're $10,000 in debt.

00:21:42.000 That is also true.

00:21:43.000 And all you do is shop till you drop.

00:21:45.000 No, I haven't bought a pair of sneakers in months.

00:21:48.000 Damn it, you make Flava Flav look like Mad Dog Mathis.

00:21:54.000 What's his name, the guy with the rolled up sleeves?

00:21:56.000 Yeah, oh yeah, the Mad Dog.

00:21:59.000 Shit, I ruined that joke.

00:22:00.000 Anyway, Anne-Marie Johnson says that, and then, so that's a lie.

00:22:03.000 That's just a lie to help her point.

00:22:04.000 Look at that beaner run!

00:22:06.000 Fucking beaners running all over the place.

00:22:09.000 No way, if someone said that to me, I would say, what did you just say?

00:22:12.000 Yeah, you'd have to have a Mexican person running, too.

00:22:16.000 Yeah, you mean look at that Beaner ride his mountain bike through the suburbs to the contracting job He's doing I've seen that with his cooler and his his dusty Timberlands.

00:22:27.000 I've definitely seen that yeah And then earlier in the show Sarah Silverman says she goes you That Anne-Marie Johnson says you'd never use the n-word In in that kind of joke like I hate ends and then I love ends and she goes I did that all the time And I did that recently

00:22:46.000 On Conan O'Brien.

00:22:48.000 Right.

00:22:48.000 And then Anne-Marie Johnson rightly calls her and goes, wait a minute, a couple weeks ago you were on Conan O'Brien and you used the N-word in a joke.

00:22:56.000 And she goes, yeah.

00:22:56.000 And they didn't bleep it out.

00:22:59.000 The internet is good at stuff like that.

00:23:01.000 And I combed through the internet and the only thing I could find regarding the N-word Conan O'Brien and Sarah Silverman was her saying that she said that on Bill Maher.

00:23:11.000 She never said that.

00:23:12.000 And I've fucking noticed this with the left all the time.

00:23:15.000 You'll be arguing about something and they'll say something that shatters your argument.

00:23:19.000 And you'll go, huh.

00:23:22.000 Okay.

00:23:22.000 Um, geez, I was pretty sure I knew what I was talking about, but all right.

00:23:28.000 Touche.

00:23:28.000 I guess you got me.

00:23:30.000 And then I'll go home and look it up and it's not even close to true.

00:23:32.000 All the fucking time.

00:23:34.000 So now I think you just have to come back to them when they say something that sounds weird.

00:23:38.000 You just go, yeah, that's not true.

00:23:40.000 Like I remember one time I was arguing with the guy I bought my car from at the car dealership.

00:23:46.000 And he said, Yeah, Obama created way more jobs than this.

00:23:52.000 And he was up to like, whatever it was 2.1 million a year.

00:23:59.000 Um, how many jobs did Obama create per year?

00:24:05.000 Anyway, uh, I go, oh, holy shit, that's way more than Trump.

00:24:11.000 And, um, what does it say?

00:24:15.000 Just over two million jobs.

00:24:17.000 Okay.

00:24:17.000 He had it in 2017.

00:24:19.000 Then I look it up and, uh,

00:24:22.000 It's way less than that.

00:24:23.000 It's like 1.1 million jobs a year.

00:24:25.000 Way less than Trump.

00:24:27.000 And so, of course, I make the mistake of contacting the guy and I go, hey buddy, you know that big argument we had where you totally tore me a new ass and sent me home with my tail between my legs because you had all these awesome facts I didn't know?

00:24:41.000 I looked it up and no, he didn't create that.

00:24:44.000 And he goes, well, you're factoring in the first two years after Bush, and Bush had destroyed the economy so bad that he gets a pass.

00:24:53.000 What?

00:24:54.000 Is there an asterisk?

00:24:56.000 So out of Obama's, what was it, eight years?

00:24:59.000 You get to just delete two years.

00:25:01.000 They're magic.

00:25:01.000 It's sort of like when people are looking up the number of Islamic attacks and they start on September 12th, 2001.

00:25:07.000 So they just cut those years out.

00:25:09.000 Those are magical years.

00:25:10.000 Those are off the books.

00:25:11.000 And then I go, Oh, okay.

00:25:13.000 So then I look that up and even playing his fucking cheating game, it's, it's still only 2 million.

00:25:21.000 And, uh, how many jobs did Trump create?

00:25:25.000 Trump is up to like, um, 2.2.

00:25:33.000 So far, there are 3.8 million.

00:25:36.000 Wait a minute.

00:25:36.000 Trump's scoreboard.

00:25:37.000 Total jobs created approaches 4 million as wage growth still lags.

00:25:41.000 Yeah, they've got to, of course, come up with the bad number.

00:25:44.000 So 3.8 is still less than 2.

00:25:46.000 What the fuck?

00:25:48.000 See, now I've got to go back and do all my homework.

00:25:52.000 I mean, 3.8 divided by 2.

00:25:53.000 But it hasn't been two full years, has it?

00:25:55.000 No Slovenia!

00:26:03.000 Yeah, your head is so full of shit.

00:26:04.000 I almost said, um, and then I was like, I got nothing.

00:26:09.000 So when you hear no, immediately you go to a cartoon called the Lion King.

00:26:13.000 When I'm talking about Baz Luldren, you immediately go to Toy Story and start coloring in pictures.

00:26:19.000 Nice education, Bronx.

00:26:21.000 Way to go, South Bronx.

00:26:23.000 Way to feed our boxers fucking sugar corn pops for dinner.

00:26:27.000 So they're dead to the world after two rounds.

00:26:29.000 I would just like my childhood back.

00:26:31.000 Thank you.

00:26:32.000 Yeah, he wants his childhood back.

00:26:34.000 He wants a fat black lady to sit on him if he talks out of class.

00:26:38.000 Imagine there was some sort of checks and balances in New York, and some Betsy DeVos comes by and says, Hi, we're just checking in on some of the public schools here in the South Bronx.

00:26:49.000 I just hope this goes without saying, but you teachers, you know corporal punishment is out, right?

00:26:55.000 You can't whip a child anymore.

00:26:58.000 Oh yeah, we know that.

00:26:59.000 Okay, so just for fun, are you using the usual methods for discipline?

00:27:04.000 Timeouts, sending them to the office, denying privileges, that kind of thing?

00:27:07.000 No, we sit on them, Mrs. DeVos!

00:27:10.000 Pardon me?

00:27:11.000 Oh, we have a bed in that extra room, and we just take the little boys in there, and we sit on them, and they make a sound like, and that's how we know that they're learning their lesson.

00:27:22.000 Ain't nobody asking me to go to the bathroom.

00:27:25.000 Not in this household.

00:27:27.000 It's a classroom.

00:27:28.000 I'm sorry, ma'am.

00:27:29.000 You know that ain't nobody is a double negative, right?

00:27:32.000 You mean nobody.

00:27:33.000 I think the ain't negates it.

00:27:35.000 Also, you have a sign behind you that says no bullying, but you cross the word bullying out with a giant X. So it says no, no bullying.

00:27:43.000 That's also a double negative.

00:27:44.000 Let's work on some single negatives in this class, please.

00:27:49.000 No.

00:27:50.000 Amen.

00:27:50.000 I've talked to teachers in East New York.

00:27:52.000 It's irreparable.

00:27:56.000 There's three kids who want to learn.

00:27:58.000 The rest are fist fighting and chatting.

00:28:01.000 And if you report any of them or try to exercise any kind of discipline, you're in trouble for making the school look bad.

00:28:08.000 You know what else is irreparable?

00:28:10.000 The Chicago judicial system and the Chicago political system.

00:28:17.000 Like, the fact that Jussie Smollett got away with this is not in the least bit surprising to me.

00:28:22.000 What's her name?

00:28:23.000 Tina Fox?

00:28:24.000 Tina Fox is the woman who they say did it, even though she's meant to be recused from the case.

00:28:30.000 She never formally recused herself from the case.

00:28:34.000 You look up Tina Fox, by the way, and you get some weird bodybuilding-looking training.

00:28:39.000 Wait, isn't it Tina Chen?

00:28:41.000 Tina Tchen is linked to the Jesse Smollett messages.

00:28:44.000 Michelle Obama's chief of staff, I believe.

00:28:46.000 She's the one who was hired by the SPLC to come fix everything.

00:28:50.000 They keep digging themselves a deeper hole, these bitches.

00:28:52.000 Don't fuck with me, okay?

00:28:55.000 I'll destroy you.

00:28:56.000 Don't poke a bear.

00:28:58.000 Don't fuck with a Scotsman.

00:29:01.000 Don't even try to out-cheap me.

00:29:03.000 I will fight you for years in court to save three bucks.

00:29:08.000 I will spend three million dollars to win three million and three dollars.

00:29:13.000 And I will take that three bucks and go, there you are, you fucker.

00:29:17.000 See you people.

00:29:19.000 Maybe her name's not Tina Fox.

00:29:22.000 Kim Fox.

00:29:24.000 She's one of the least attractive women I've ever seen.

00:29:27.000 Least attractive people.

00:29:30.000 If she was a man, she'd be shocking to look at.

00:29:32.000 She looks like a weird frog.

00:29:34.000 What is that?

00:29:35.000 You're not looking at the right girl.

00:29:36.000 That's not her?

00:29:37.000 No.

00:29:37.000 That looks like a weird frog.

00:29:38.000 It's Kim Fox, F-O-X-X.

00:29:42.000 Chicago prosecutor Kim Fox chided by National Attorney's Group after Jussie Smollett charges dropped.

00:29:48.000 Just dropped.

00:29:49.000 And the beauty of all this, too, is Tina Tchen is also linked to this mess.

00:29:54.000 And Tina Tchen was meant to repair the image of the SPLC.

00:29:59.000 Now she's damaged goods.

00:30:01.000 So it's even worse for the SPLC.

00:30:03.000 The woman you're looking for is black, dude.

00:30:05.000 No, I found her already, but I'm just... Boy, now you're obsessed with the other Kim Fox.

00:30:07.000 It looks like a Fred Armisen character.

00:30:10.000 It looks like a Portlandia sketch.

00:30:12.000 God, she's hideous.

00:30:13.000 But I wasn't remotely surprised that all the charges were dropped.

00:30:16.000 And here, the crazy thing is, no one wanted him with chains around his ankles working at maximum security making license plates.

00:30:25.000 All sane people in America wanted him to maybe do fucking four days in jail.

00:30:31.000 Six months, something?

00:30:33.000 No, not six months.

00:30:34.000 Maybe six months.

00:30:35.000 I wouldn't hate six months.

00:30:36.000 Why not?

00:30:36.000 Yeah, that's fine.

00:30:37.000 That seems a lot, though.

00:30:38.000 Is it?

00:30:39.000 Um, but pick up some garbage by the highway and more importantly confess and say, I fucked up.

00:30:45.000 I lied, blah, blah, blah.

00:30:47.000 But he doubled down.

00:30:48.000 Now he's saying that they framed him and he's considering a lawsuit.

00:30:52.000 And at the same time, the Chicago police are just sending him a bill because he must have wasted.

00:30:58.000 I'm going to say $10 million.

00:31:00.000 I mean, it's easy to fluff up these, um, these invoices, but how many resources of the police did he use?

00:31:09.000 And now his lawyer, Smollett's lawyer, besides lawsuits, is saying that they could have been wearing whiteface.

00:31:17.000 I thought they had ski masks on, lady.

00:31:20.000 And the other thing they're pushing is that they're considering suing the African brothers, the bodybuilders, suing them for lying and making Jussie look bad.

00:31:32.000 I mean, this is the trouble with getting in bed with the mentally ill.

00:31:36.000 They just keep, this is what happened with trannies when the left goes, yeah, blacks don't behave that well.

00:31:42.000 We don't want them anymore on our side.

00:31:43.000 We tried to get them to help us with our LGBT shit, and they stopped Prop 9 in California and outlawed gay marriage because they're religious.

00:31:53.000 Oh, they like to go to church.

00:31:55.000 You know what?

00:31:55.000 We're done with black people.

00:31:56.000 We have a new oppressed group that we're going to make our pets, and that is trannies.

00:32:01.000 And it went well for a while.

00:32:02.000 They're wasting everyone's time arguing about bathrooms.

00:32:05.000 And then they started to get to know them.

00:32:07.000 And they went, wow, you guys do a lot of Special K. Hey, do you mind not doing amyl nitrate before an important meeting?

00:32:17.000 And the trainer's like, it helps me open up, OK?

00:32:21.000 I'm a diva, OK?

00:32:24.000 You know what we used to do in high school to get high?

00:32:28.000 What?

00:32:29.000 In Canada, you get your bag in, you get your milk in bags.

00:32:33.000 You have a plastic

00:32:35.000 Sort of like that thing that you put your water in.

00:32:38.000 You have a thing like that, a pourer, and you put a milk bag in that, and then you cut the corners of the milk bag.

00:32:44.000 And you throw out that milk bag when you're done.

00:32:47.000 I don't know why.

00:32:47.000 I don't know even if it's a better system.

00:32:50.000 I don't give a shit.

00:32:51.000 But those three milk bags, they come in a bag.

00:32:55.000 So inevitably you have all these milk bags, milk bag holders bags, lying around your house.

00:33:01.000 You also, if your mom is worried about sticking, she makes sure that she douches regularly and she cleans her pussy.

00:33:09.000 No, she has Pam cooking spray.

00:33:13.000 And so what we would do is, I'm not proud of this, we'd shake it up and then we'd get a plastic bag and we'd spray the Pam cooking spray into the bag until it was about to pop, right?

00:33:26.000 And then just go, huh, huh, huh.

00:33:31.000 And inhale the Pam Cooking Spray, which I guess is aerosol.

00:33:37.000 I don't even know what we were doing.

00:33:38.000 Was it the equivalent of Whippets?

00:33:39.000 Holy shit, dude.

00:33:41.000 What?

00:33:41.000 I just gave you a weird memory you forgot?

00:33:43.000 No, yes.

00:33:44.000 Wow.

00:33:46.000 Yeah, it was specifically Pam Cooking Spray.

00:33:49.000 Wow.

00:33:49.000 We would go and buy a six-pack.

00:33:51.000 Because I remember tasting it and being like, we're eating too much.

00:33:54.000 Like, I'm tasting too much of this.

00:33:56.000 Whoa.

00:33:57.000 You forgot about that?

00:33:59.000 Yep.

00:33:59.000 I remember us doing it so much, there'd be Pam cooking spray the oil part, slooshing around in the bottom of the bag.

00:34:06.000 Dude, wow.

00:34:07.000 Yeah, I remember tasting...

00:34:10.000 Wow.

00:34:10.000 That's weird.

00:34:11.000 So what were we inhaling?

00:34:13.000 I don't know.

00:34:14.000 I don't actually remember.

00:34:15.000 Maybe that's why I'm so retarded because it's borderline a repressed memory.

00:34:21.000 Well, I'm way smarter than you, but compared to my dad, I'm an incredible retard.

00:34:27.000 Yeah.

00:34:27.000 So maybe I fried my brain too.

00:34:30.000 We're all getting worse.

00:34:32.000 What is a whippet?

00:34:35.000 Nitrous oxide is also associated with sedatives, steel cylinders full of nitrous oxide.

00:34:39.000 So a whippet is nitrous oxide.

00:34:41.000 It's NO2, right?

00:34:43.000 By the way, kids, if you're listening, this was not cool.

00:34:45.000 Someone at our school, a neighboring high school, died from this.

00:34:49.000 His heart stopped.

00:34:51.000 That didn't slow us down.

00:34:52.000 Yeah.

00:34:54.000 Um, but I remember you would, you would pass out, then you'd have maybe a seizure, and then you'd go, nyang nyang nyang nyang.

00:35:02.000 Oh my god, I just remembered something I hadn't remembered before.

00:35:04.000 When you would do it a lot,

00:35:07.000 Like for, I don't know, five times, we'd have a, you know, we'd just be sitting on someone's couch because their parents were out and we would do maybe a six pack.

00:35:15.000 The ten of us would do a six pack of Pam cooking spray.

00:35:18.000 We'd get what we called the stupids, where you just sort of sit and stare at the ground and have nothing to say.

00:35:23.000 The stupids.

00:35:24.000 How pathetic is that?

00:35:27.000 What happens if you inhale aerosol?

00:35:29.000 Inhaling highly concentrated amounts of the chemicals in solvents or aerosol sprays can cause heart failure and death within minutes after repeated inhalation.

00:35:38.000 Many people inhale vapors from common inhalants.

00:35:40.000 I remember even before we got a hold of Pam Cooking Spray, before we had a dealer called Walmart, we would do that thing, you ever do that where you bend over and you go, hoo, hoo, hoo, hoo, hoo, hoo, and then you stand up really fast and someone behind you pushes on your jugular veins.

00:35:57.000 Yes, the California High.

00:35:58.000 That's what Alex Jones was talking about on Rogan.

00:36:01.000 And then you pass out.

00:36:02.000 He has a past life in it.

00:36:04.000 Doesn't it feel like when you wake up you were asleep for like 20 minutes to an hour?

00:36:08.000 Yeah, well you'd have a dream.

00:36:09.000 You'd have a dream that you were riding your bicycle with friends on a giant lily field and then two birds came down and said, what's going on guy?

00:36:17.000 Very specific.

00:36:18.000 Yeah.

00:36:20.000 He had a past life where he had like children and a family it was like old England like medieval times or something and they were dying of starvation

00:36:28.000 Well, you know what he's got to do.

00:36:29.000 What?

00:36:30.000 He's got to take those trauma strains out to the top of his head.

00:36:33.000 Yes.

00:36:34.000 Yes, he does.

00:36:35.000 Miles, my brother, has got a video coming out on nohate.com where he discusses the merit of trauma strains, which are these two.

00:36:43.000 Can you dig that up?

00:36:45.000 Can you dig that up?

00:36:49.000 That's never been done.

00:36:50.000 What about a stuttering?

00:36:51.000 Wait, wait, go back.

00:36:52.000 Go back to Sarah Silverman for a second here.

00:36:54.000 We didn't finish that.

00:36:55.000 So show the actual Pee Pee Coke line.

00:36:57.000 ...that I had totally misremembered.

00:36:58.000 It's at the very, very end.

00:37:02.000 ...trick to somehow link that horrific crime.

00:37:06.000 You know what?

00:37:06.000 There are only two Asian people I know that I don't like.

00:37:09.000 One is you, and the other is... Oh, I'm hurt.

00:37:14.000 Yeah, and the other is my friend Steve who actually went pee-pee in my Coke.

00:37:18.000 Okay, I have to take a break.

00:37:23.000 What a fucking humor void there.

00:37:26.000 You know, Sarah Silverman's sort of gone back on all that.

00:37:29.000 And she said... That was funny, though.

00:37:30.000 Because she has to survive, right?

00:37:32.000 This is what I hate about, again, women.

00:37:35.000 These comedians, I guess male comedians do it too, where they have to survive.

00:37:38.000 So they look back on all their funny shit and they go, that was actually terrible.

00:37:43.000 And, uh, she, she said these, you can call it political correctness or, or whatever, but they're on the right side of history.

00:37:51.000 If you ever hear anyone say the right side of history, they're a douche or they've become a douche.

00:37:56.000 They've swallowed the Kool-Aid.

00:37:58.000 I brought that up with her cause I used to know her.

00:38:00.000 And I said, uh,

00:38:02.000 Come on Sarah, not et tu, brute?

00:38:05.000 And she goes, why do you need to say gay?

00:38:08.000 Is that such an important word to you?

00:38:10.000 And I go, no, but not saying it is ridiculous.

00:38:15.000 That doesn't do anyone any good.

00:38:17.000 Did you know I tried to fuck her once?

00:38:19.000 Did you?

00:38:20.000 Yeah.

00:38:20.000 Did it work?

00:38:21.000 Nope.

00:38:22.000 I think Kevin Brennan did.

00:38:23.000 He fucked her?

00:38:24.000 Yep.

00:38:25.000 That's the worst part.

00:38:25.000 She got around.

00:38:27.000 She fucked Sam Seder for a while, blew David Cross.

00:38:31.000 She was not exactly chaste.

00:38:33.000 C-H-A-S-T-E.

00:38:34.000 Oh, I see.

00:38:36.000 And she was chaste-edy.

00:38:38.000 She's fucking hot.

00:38:39.000 Even now.

00:38:40.000 But, um, yeah, we knew each other from, I don't know, stuff.

00:38:45.000 We talked quite a bit.

00:38:47.000 And she was in town and she said, let's come meet.

00:38:50.000 And I was with JP.

00:38:52.000 You know who I was with that night?

00:38:53.000 I like your new sunglasses!

00:38:56.000 I shouldn't have brought him along.

00:38:58.000 And we went to Great Jones Diner and she didn't drink.

00:39:04.000 I mean, yeah, she's a pot person.

00:39:06.000 If she doesn't find, if she doesn't get her marijuana, she's as bad as when Vince Neil's daughter died.

00:39:11.000 I didn't know his daughter died.

00:39:13.000 Oh my God, dude.

00:39:15.000 How?

00:39:15.000 I was blubbering like a complete homosexual last night.

00:39:19.000 When did that happen?

00:39:21.000 In the late 80s, I don't know.

00:39:23.000 Oh, why are we crying last night then?

00:39:25.000 Because there's a new Netflix movie out called Dirt directed by Jeff Tremaine.

00:39:30.000 Oh, I heard about that.

00:39:31.000 Who I also know.

00:39:32.000 This is a real name-droppy episode.

00:39:34.000 Jeff Tremaine.

00:39:34.000 Yeah, he was Jackass.

00:39:35.000 He was the Jackass guy.

00:39:36.000 We pitched Vice TV together and little-known fact about Jeff Tremaine, he won Sexiest Eyes in high school.

00:39:44.000 In the high school yearbook, he is the winner.

00:39:46.000 I bet you could pull it up online.

00:39:47.000 He does have dreamy eyes.

00:39:49.000 He's got very dreamy eyes.

00:39:50.000 You know what?

00:39:50.000 He's got the same thing that our buddy Steve McCarthy does.

00:39:53.000 It looks like they're built-in eyeliner.

00:39:56.000 It's like, why are your eyes pretty?

00:39:57.000 Trevor Simzer, the manager of Sick of It All and NJWK had him too.

00:40:01.000 The band Sick of It All called him Asshole Eyes.

00:40:06.000 And he goes, Trevor goes, yeah, I used to be self-conscious about it until I became a teenager and started getting fucking laid.

00:40:13.000 Chicks like asshole eyes.

00:40:15.000 What are asshole eyes?

00:40:16.000 When you have that hemophilia look and it's kind of dark below your eyes.

00:40:19.000 You have like butthole eyes.

00:40:24.000 Butthole eyes.

00:40:25.000 They're watching you.

00:40:27.000 Watching your every move.

00:40:31.000 Butthole eyes.

00:40:32.000 Your eyes smell like shit and you... Actually, remember in Star Wars where the female Jedi, the new one, she goes to that weird land where there's like the new cantina bar and it's in a sort of a castle-y type place that's lots of stone and there's vines growing all over it?

00:40:50.000 And there's this woman with glasses.

00:40:52.000 She's like an old lady, an old Yoda lady.

00:40:54.000 And they meet her.

00:40:57.000 She's like, yes, I can tell you where the lightsaber is.

00:40:59.000 We have Luke's old lightsaber.

00:41:01.000 You know who I'm talking about?

00:41:03.000 Vaguely.

00:41:05.000 She looks like a weird frog.

00:41:08.000 Star Wars, Jedi, um...

00:41:14.000 Maz.

00:41:14.000 Oh, I found her.

00:41:15.000 How did Maz get?

00:41:16.000 Maz.

00:41:17.000 Is her name Maz?

00:41:17.000 I think it's Maz.

00:41:19.000 Yeah, you're right.

00:41:19.000 Maz Kanata.

00:41:21.000 That's where I went to high school.

00:41:23.000 Kanata, Ontario.

00:41:24.000 Same spelling.

00:41:24.000 K-A-N-A-T-A.

00:41:25.000 Oh, I've seen her butthole eyes.

00:41:27.000 But she's got butthole eyes.

00:41:30.000 She's got butthole eyes.

00:41:32.000 I don't talk to Trevor much anymore, but when I saw that movie, I sent him a picture and I go, someone has snatched the pebble from your asshole eyes.

00:41:43.000 But yeah, Jeff Tremaine.

00:41:44.000 So they took the book Dirt, which by the way, I'm sorry to get so megalomaniac on this show, but the reason Dirt is so good is because of me.

00:41:53.000 Again!

00:41:55.000 Tommy Lee was reading my Do's and Don'ts book and he was holding back when he was writing his part of it.

00:42:01.000 Uh oh.

00:42:04.000 What happened?

00:42:07.000 I'm just I gotta when you're a dad with three kids, you always got to have your phone on just just in case someone's sick or some shit.

00:42:15.000 And when you see your wife go I feel bad.

00:42:19.000 Oh, because she's missing the opening game of the Mets.

00:42:23.000 Um, uh,

00:42:27.000 So he was worried about holding back when they were writing the book and they were reading Do's and Don'ts, the first book, which has got a lot of raunchy comedy in there and some bad words, including racial epithets and in a comical way, obviously.

00:42:40.000 And his manager said, dude, look at this book, go balls out, make it a great, tell the truth, talk about the fucking and the coke and everything.

00:42:48.000 And so he did.

00:42:49.000 And that's one of the reasons Dirt is so good.

00:42:52.000 And Jeff Tremaine finally adapted it and made it into a movie.

00:42:56.000 It's a bunch of like Australians and British people playing Motley Crue, whatever.

00:43:02.000 In it, they get into Vince Neil's six-year-old daughter who died of stomach cancer.

00:43:08.000 Oh, no.

00:43:10.000 I don't know if Jeff Tremaine... Does Jeff Tremaine have kids?

00:43:14.000 Because I haven't spoken to him in a long time, ever since I became persona non grata in the creative community.

00:43:20.000 But, um, dude, you can't have... Do you have kids?

00:43:25.000 Jeff Tremaine, kids.

00:43:28.000 Yeah.

00:43:29.000 Living with kids.

00:43:30.000 Laura Tremaine, his wife.

00:43:34.000 Okay.

00:43:35.000 Because Jesus Lord in heaven above, did he ever not hold back?

00:43:42.000 At one point, the six-year-old girl says, I don't want them to cut my tummy again, Daddy.

00:43:47.000 Yeesh.

00:43:49.000 Yeah.

00:43:49.000 And that's been my pet peeve for a while.

00:43:52.000 I've always said, can you stop putting children in peril to further your movie?

00:43:57.000 Now, Vince Neil's daughter really did die.

00:44:01.000 But shit, man.

00:44:03.000 And I guess I can't fault Jeff for that because he's doing a movie based on a true story.

00:44:09.000 But they show her cadaver at the end.

00:44:11.000 Come on.

00:44:12.000 Yes, they show her, the six-year-old, all white with her eyes open like, I'm dead.

00:44:17.000 I don't know.

00:44:18.000 I don't think her eyes are open.

00:44:20.000 I couldn't look.

00:44:20.000 I had my hand over the projector and was blubbering.

00:44:24.000 Eyes open or not, that's pretty dark.

00:44:26.000 My cries become super gay.

00:44:30.000 Yesterday with the soldier video?

00:44:33.000 Oh yeah, well the beauty is... I do real man cries with soldier videos.

00:44:38.000 That's just wet eyes.

00:44:39.000 Right, I get wet eyes sometimes too.

00:44:41.000 But when they kill a child in a show, I'm just like, oh for fuck's sake!

00:44:50.000 It was not.

00:44:51.000 For fuck's sake.

00:44:52.000 It was not cool.

00:44:54.000 And then I think I was like, worst thing imaginable.

00:44:57.000 Worst imaginable.

00:45:00.000 Not a good look.

00:45:01.000 Worst thing ever much.

00:45:05.000 Your daughter's dying of stomach cancer.

00:45:07.000 That is like the worst thing ever, basically.

00:45:11.000 Non non heinous.

00:45:14.000 Yeah, so that's Asshole Eyes.

00:45:17.000 I wanted to talk about this, speaking of homosexuals.

00:45:21.000 Brunei is going to... Brunei is set to impose law that will punish gay sex with death by stoning.

00:45:30.000 All cultures are the same.

00:45:32.000 They're just different.

00:45:34.000 That's just different than us.

00:45:35.000 Don't judge.

00:45:37.000 Diversity is our strength.

00:45:40.000 Let's learn about the other cultures.

00:45:42.000 What's going on, other culture?

00:45:45.000 Oh, we're doing a thing where we're burying a fag in dirt and whipping giant rocks at his head until he dies?

00:45:55.000 Oh my god.

00:45:56.000 You're not going to believe this.

00:45:57.000 We used to do that.

00:45:59.000 Yeah.

00:46:00.000 Like, I think it was 2,000 years ago.

00:46:01.000 I can't exactly remember where, because we didn't really keep good records back then.

00:46:05.000 But yeah, we used to do that too.

00:46:08.000 And eventually, you're going to realize that that gay has a brother, and a mother, and a father, and a friend, and a kid sometimes.

00:46:16.000 And you're going to feel kind of bad.

00:46:18.000 It's called developing a conscience, and having shame, and being civilized.

00:46:23.000 You'll get there.

00:46:23.000 Don't worry, Brunei.

00:46:24.000 You did not just white shame him.

00:46:27.000 What?

00:46:28.000 Where the fuck is Brunei?

00:46:29.000 I bet it's somewhere stupid.

00:46:32.000 Brunei, the science guy.

00:46:33.000 Hey Brunei, I looked you up.

00:46:37.000 You're in a stupid part of the world.

00:46:38.000 A lot of the world's stupid.

00:46:41.000 Oh, look at the places that it's near.

00:46:43.000 Palangakparai and Balikpapan.

00:46:47.000 It's near Indonesia, which is so stupid.

00:46:50.000 I thought Asians were smarter than us.

00:46:52.000 Why are they burying homos?

00:46:55.000 Yeah, that seems odd.

00:46:56.000 How'd you get so dumb down there?

00:46:58.000 No, I'm just kidding.

00:46:59.000 You're not dumb if you bury gays.

00:47:02.000 You're evil.

00:47:03.000 God.

00:47:04.000 But here's what I want to know.

00:47:07.000 It says they will punish gay sex.

00:47:10.000 What if you stick your dick up your girlfriend's butthole?

00:47:13.000 Is that technically gay?

00:47:15.000 Seems pretty gay to me.

00:47:16.000 That's gay sex.

00:47:18.000 What's gay sex?

00:47:19.000 What do gays do?

00:47:20.000 They have butt sex, and they blow each other.

00:47:23.000 So if a female blows a guy, is that gay sex?

00:47:26.000 Right.

00:47:27.000 Like you know with the insult cocksucker, it definitely isn't meant to apply to women, but technically it does.

00:47:36.000 In fact, I would say, I mean what percentage of

00:47:41.000 Women in America aren't cocksuckers.

00:47:45.000 What percentage of women, and I'm sure there's a lot of lesbians, but not even that many.

00:47:50.000 Let me see.

00:47:51.000 This is why I can't wait to die.

00:47:52.000 You know what happens when you die?

00:47:54.000 You get all the facts?

00:47:55.000 Uh-huh.

00:47:56.000 That rules.

00:47:56.000 Yeah.

00:48:13.000 You can be a ghost, by the way, when you die.

00:48:16.000 Did you know that?

00:48:16.000 Is that an option?

00:48:17.000 It's an option that no one takes.

00:48:19.000 Huh.

00:48:20.000 Because they learned that if you have no reaction, like you can't push over a thing of Tropicana juice or make a fork float, then you're just watching it on TV and they'd rather watch it at home.

00:48:32.000 Right.

00:48:33.000 Yeah, ghosts are fucking lame.

00:48:35.000 Like what, like they go downstairs and wait for you to come home and wait for it to be like dark to play like two notes on the piano?

00:48:41.000 I don't even know if they can play that.

00:48:43.000 They just sit there or they exist.

00:48:46.000 Ooh, I'm so scared.

00:48:50.000 For some weird reason, when I think about being a ghost, the first things that pop into my head are watching Jay-Z and Beyonce fuck.

00:48:50.000 Ghosts suck.

00:49:04.000 I know it's not going to be dramatic.

00:49:08.000 It's probably just like doggy, you know, married couple sex.

00:49:13.000 And then I also want to go to the White House more when Obama was in office and just hear the kind of shit that goes on, but it would be cool with Trump too.

00:49:22.000 Yeah, I want to hear what he said.

00:49:23.000 I want to hear what he's just fucking around talking about sports.

00:49:25.000 Or, you know what would be cool as a ghost?

00:49:27.000 You're in the White House, and after he leaves, you get to see them go, I fucking hate that guy.

00:49:33.000 Yeah, see what they say about him?

00:49:35.000 I've been talking to someone in Brunei about having him assassinated, about having him buried up to his neck for gay sex.

00:49:42.000 Yeah, I mean, you know, Kellyanne Conway and her husband, like, I wonder what's going on there, because the husband always talks shit on Trump.

00:49:51.000 That's another reason women shouldn't be in the workforce.

00:49:54.000 They can't keep their bitch in line.

00:49:57.000 If that was a man, if Kellyanne Conway was a man, and her... Like, do not talk about my fucking boss.

00:50:03.000 Crazy.

00:50:03.000 Yeah.

00:50:04.000 Or what about your girlfriend talking shit about me?

00:50:06.000 Well, I mean, you started it.

00:50:08.000 Why don't you keep that in line?

00:50:10.000 Well, you started it.

00:50:11.000 You remember in The Godfather?

00:50:12.000 What did they say to that guy?

00:50:13.000 She wasn't talking to you.

00:50:15.000 She was just hitting me a little bit.

00:50:16.000 I believe she was making public comments on Instagram.

00:50:19.000 No.

00:50:20.000 That's how I heard about it.

00:50:21.000 How else would I hear about it?

00:50:22.000 I hacked into her email?

00:50:24.000 No, I think she said something about my job or something like that.

00:50:29.000 No, no, you're talking about in person.

00:50:30.000 I'm talking about I sent you an email about this.

00:50:32.000 Someone told me that on Instagram,

00:50:36.000 Uh, your girlfriend talked shit about me.

00:50:37.000 Today?

00:50:38.000 No, it was days ago.

00:50:40.000 Oh.

00:50:42.000 I don't think so.

00:50:43.000 I don't think so.

00:50:44.000 In the 50s, a woman, if she was going to meet her boyfriend's boss, her husband's boss, she'd have white gloves on and a purse.

00:50:51.000 She'd be super nervous.

00:50:53.000 She'd have her little pillbox hat on, her little Chanel pantsuit dress.

00:50:58.000 Yeah, they have too much balls.

00:51:00.000 Too much balls.

00:51:01.000 They want to fight you in a bar fight.

00:51:03.000 I remember once at Max Fish, there was this weird stalker intern who I fired and he showed up to Max Fish with all his friends.

00:51:11.000 Now,

00:51:12.000 I'm a terrible fighter, but I'm a very bad fighter against four men.

00:51:17.000 Young men.

00:51:18.000 Especially... Actually, no, fuck especially.

00:51:21.000 I probably couldn't beat up four retards.

00:51:25.000 I don't know if I could beat up four 600-pound life people.

00:51:29.000 No.

00:51:30.000 That's a no.

00:51:32.000 Although, wouldn't that be fun?

00:51:33.000 See, my problem with sparring is they punch back.

00:51:36.000 James Eha,

00:51:38.000 The guy he would spar with was his coach and he could just hammer on him all day and I don't think James would ever get punched back.

00:51:45.000 That's what I want.

00:51:46.000 Can't we get people, like Jussie Smollett by the way, who have committed a crime and we don't need community service, there's no garbage by the highway, we send them to boxing gyms and they get punched.

00:51:57.000 Now, we've got gloves on and headgear.

00:51:59.000 I'm not gonna kill you, but you should be able to rattle on some graffiti kids and some people who've littered on the highway and somebody's not paid their child support.

00:52:11.000 Don't you think?

00:52:12.000 The graffiti kids?

00:52:13.000 Yeah.

00:52:14.000 Yeah, why not?

00:52:15.000 We catch you doing graffiti, you can either do community service, go to Rikers for a day, or stay in the holding cell at the police station.

00:52:22.000 Wait, that's a great idea, because you know that they'd pick the ass-whipping.

00:52:25.000 Right.

00:52:26.000 So it's inevitable.

00:52:27.000 And it's not really that much of an ass-whipping, I just get to practice my punches, and you can block some.

00:52:33.000 That is pretty cool.

00:52:34.000 But you can't punch me.

00:52:35.000 I like dishing it out.

00:52:36.000 I don't like taking it.

00:52:37.000 That is kind of cool.

00:52:38.000 I got nailed in the head today sparring.

00:52:41.000 And it really... I know you're supposed to be able to just go to get used to that.

00:52:45.000 It's like getting used to a taser.

00:52:46.000 I don't think I'll ever get used to getting punched in the head really hard.

00:52:49.000 Yeah, it's not fun.

00:52:51.000 It's not fun.

00:52:52.000 Although I saw you get punched in the head the other day.

00:52:54.000 That looked pretty fun.

00:52:55.000 It was fun.

00:52:57.000 I guess we won't talk about that.

00:52:59.000 No.

00:53:01.000 It's a bit of a domestic dispute.

00:53:02.000 I like feeling like a 1970s Italian couple.

00:53:08.000 Maria, where you going?

00:53:10.000 To fuck you, Ricky!

00:53:12.000 Oh, come on!

00:53:14.000 They're really smart!

00:53:16.000 There's something classically man-woman about that.

00:53:19.000 It's kind of fun.

00:53:19.000 Those are the good old days where you could have a mistress and it wouldn't end your marriage.

00:53:24.000 Your wife would just go, what are you fucking bringing your slut around here?

00:53:27.000 And you go, I don't care about her!

00:53:29.000 They had a name, a Goumar.

00:53:30.000 Get her out of here!

00:53:31.000 A Goumar.

00:53:31.000 A Goumar!

00:53:32.000 They had a fucking name for her.

00:53:33.000 I don't give a shit about her, I love you!

00:53:36.000 Rikki's Goumar, she's getting sloppy, I'm finding her undies all over the place.

00:53:41.000 Back in the 70s, dads could disappear for three days.

00:53:44.000 If I was late for dinner, my wife would be fucking pissed.

00:53:49.000 I'm not saying that I don't call the shots at home, don't get me wrong, but I'd have to have a good excuse.

00:53:54.000 But disappearing for several days?

00:53:57.000 Or...

00:53:58.000 My dad would drive us drunk.

00:54:00.000 I remember one time we were all camping and he took me and the other kids on a little speedboat, you know, not a fancy one, just like a fishing boat with an outboard motor on the back.

00:54:13.000 And he took us out and we would do like those super right angle turns where the one side of the boat is almost in the water.

00:54:21.000 That rules.

00:54:22.000 And the other boat's like, the boat's about to tip over.

00:54:25.000 And we're screaming and laughing our heads off and it's super dangerous and he's got a cigarette in his mouth and he's just whipping around and he comes back and I think one of the moms, Diane O'Brien, punched him in the face.

00:54:37.000 Wow.

00:54:38.000 When he got back on the beach.

00:54:39.000 Because what he was doing was fucking dangerous.

00:54:41.000 Yeah, I suppose.

00:54:42.000 And that was the end of that.

00:54:44.000 And he was probably drunk when he was doing it.

00:54:46.000 And it was super fun!

00:54:48.000 One time, um... Oh, and this isn't one time, but, uh... Actually, I do remember another time.

00:54:53.000 He was... I was, like, 17.

00:54:55.000 And he was taking me in the parking lot of his work, and he was doing donuts in 360s and stuff.

00:55:00.000 That's awesome.

00:55:01.000 And the car was skidding all over the ice, and I didn't know how to break it to him that we had been doing shit way crazier than that.

00:55:09.000 He thought that that was badass.

00:55:09.000 He was like, whoa, here we go!

00:55:11.000 Here we go!

00:55:12.000 Around we go!

00:55:13.000 I'm like, Dad, we go smashing the snow banks at 50 miles an hour.

00:55:19.000 And get arrested for it.

00:55:20.000 I went to fucking jail.

00:55:21.000 Damn, for doing donuts.

00:55:23.000 What's the longest you've ever been in jail?

00:55:24.000 Four hours.

00:55:25.000 No, no.

00:55:27.000 Sorry.

00:55:28.000 Yeah, four hours, but I've been to jail twice.

00:55:31.000 So I'm technically an ex-con, alright?

00:55:34.000 Con?

00:55:34.000 No.

00:55:35.000 Convict?

00:55:36.000 I guess I wasn't convicted.

00:55:39.000 That's prison convict.

00:55:40.000 I'm a jailbird.

00:55:41.000 You're sort of a bird of jail.

00:55:41.000 I'm a jailbird.

00:55:43.000 You know the time, that time was drunk driving when I was 16 and doing donuts.

00:55:47.000 That wasn't very glamorous.

00:55:49.000 And when my dad saw that in my mugshot I was laughing, I got in a lot of shit.

00:55:54.000 You think that's a fucking joke?

00:55:55.000 Like that kind of thing?

00:55:56.000 He called me asshole for an entire year.

00:55:59.000 Like, you're the late asshole.

00:56:01.000 Hey asshole, your mother called.

00:56:03.000 Wow.

00:56:03.000 But the fun one was when I allegedly headbutted a guy who smashed one of our employees in the face.

00:56:09.000 He did an open hand slap.

00:56:11.000 Damn.

00:56:12.000 So we went to get him.

00:56:14.000 And he goes, guys, we went to his apartment and his daddy paid for his rent.

00:56:20.000 And he goes, let's talk outside.

00:56:21.000 I don't want this in front of my doorman.

00:56:25.000 OK.

00:56:25.000 So we go in front of his doorman.

00:56:28.000 No, sorry, we go outside.

00:56:30.000 It was me and Shane.

00:56:31.000 It was Shane's girlfriend at the time.

00:56:33.000 And he goes, look man, you know how Sarah can be a real bitch sometimes.

00:56:36.000 Like, his attitude was, he was going to explain his side of it and why she did need a good slap.

00:56:43.000 Like we were gonna go, you know what man, she's kind of a bitch.

00:56:47.000 Touche dude.

00:56:49.000 So that didn't work in his favor.

00:56:51.000 And as he started his pitch, I just went, and I head-butted him beautifully.

00:56:57.000 I think Glaswegians have a head-butting gift.

00:56:59.000 I've never head-butted anyone in the forehead, where I've seen others do it and they just bonk heads like they're falling in love.

00:57:07.000 Like they're two turtles, snapping turtles, courting.

00:57:10.000 You do the nose?

00:57:11.000 I get the nose every time.

00:57:12.000 Fuck.

00:57:13.000 And the lip.

00:57:14.000 I gave him a cleft, I allegedly gave him a cleft palate.

00:57:14.000 That's gotta be brutal.

00:57:18.000 And he did this incredible thing that's hard to explain on radio, but he fell backwards, just like someone is doing one of those faith tests, trusting tests, where you fall back into your friend's arms.

00:57:33.000 You know what I mean?

00:57:33.000 Trust fall.

00:57:34.000 Trust fall.

00:57:34.000 There you go, yeah.

00:57:35.000 He fell back like he was doing a trust fall, and you go, uh-oh, someone's gonna hit their head and maybe be knocked unconscious.

00:57:41.000 Then, when he was at like 10 degrees,

00:57:45.000 He rotated his body 180 degrees, so now he's at the Olympics in the starting position.

00:57:51.000 And poof, he was off running down the street.

00:57:55.000 I don't know how he did it.

00:57:55.000 It's like he came to 70% of the way through his fall and rocketed off.

00:58:00.000 Anyway, he ran.

00:58:01.000 Shane chased him.

00:58:02.000 I didn't bother.

00:58:03.000 And he ran into a cop car.

00:58:05.000 And the cops took him away.

00:58:09.000 Because he goes, that guy's chasing me.

00:58:11.000 Wow.

00:58:11.000 That guy's chasing me.

00:58:12.000 They took him away because he ran into the cop car?

00:58:14.000 Well, he said that guy's chasing me, and then Shane caught up.

00:58:18.000 His flip-flops are gone.

00:58:19.000 Again, guys, never wear flip-flops.

00:58:20.000 I've told you this a million times.

00:58:22.000 And I say, with flip-flops, what if someone hits your girl?

00:58:25.000 Someone hit his girl.

00:58:30.000 The cops go, what's going on here?

00:58:31.000 And he goes, he slapped my girlfriend in the face and I was going to kick his ass.

00:58:33.000 And they go, no problem, buddy.

00:58:35.000 And drive him off and press charges.

00:58:39.000 But he's in jail for about four days in the tombs in New York, which is a horrible place to be.

00:58:44.000 It's so horrible that you use your bologna sandwich as a chair because the chairs are steel and it starts to hurt your tailbone after a while.

00:58:52.000 You can't sleep.

00:58:53.000 So you put the bologna sandwich under your tailbone to alleviate the pain.

00:58:57.000 Sheesh.

00:58:59.000 And there's people there that want to kill you and some of them have smuggled in razor blades.

00:59:01.000 I remember Ryan McGinley Was there the photographer and he's a gay, but they said do you want to go to the what kind of prison you a gay?

00:59:09.000 And he goes no, I'm not because it's that's not really his style.

00:59:12.000 He doesn't he doesn't act gay.

00:59:13.000 He just sucks dicks That's not gay.

00:59:17.000 No.

00:59:18.000 He'd be fine in Bruneria.

00:59:19.000 You suck one dick and all of a sudden people know you as a cocksucker.

00:59:24.000 All of a sudden... So he went to the straight one, obviously.

00:59:27.000 He wasn't wearing high heel shoes or anything.

00:59:29.000 He was wearing like an army coat and Air Jordans.

00:59:34.000 And there was... The black guys and the white guys were having an argument about pussy eating.

00:59:39.000 And they said, the black guys are saying eating a pussy's gay, if you can believe that argument.

00:59:44.000 I've heard that before.

00:59:45.000 Wouldn't that be great if this was on 60 Minutes or as it happens, or PBS or something?

00:59:51.000 Tonight, on The Bottom of It, we are with two groups of people in Rikers, no, sorry, in the tombs in Lower Manhattan, and we're going to be trying to solve the riddle of pussy eating, is it gay or not?

01:00:05.000 Man, I did not deliver that very funnily.

01:00:07.000 No, that was fun.

01:00:08.000 The concept is good.

01:00:10.000 Anyway.

01:00:10.000 Okay.

01:00:10.000 The delivery, I think you're saying.

01:00:12.000 Funny people say things funnily.

01:00:12.000 Right.

01:00:15.000 Yes.

01:00:16.000 So he says, so they're arguing back and forth and then Ryan comes out of nowhere and goes, Hey man, I don't think pussy eating's gay.

01:00:23.000 I think this argument is stupid.

01:00:25.000 And this black dude goes, Oh really?

01:00:27.000 Takes out a razor he has smuggled in.

01:00:30.000 This is 2001 around.

01:00:33.000 And just slices Ryan's arm open.

01:00:35.000 Big, huge line down his arm.

01:00:37.000 That's not very reasonable, is it?

01:00:39.000 No, it is not.

01:00:41.000 And that's not going to help whatever you're in there for, by the by.

01:00:43.000 Oh, right, yeah.

01:00:45.000 There's that whole thing where you're in jail?

01:00:47.000 Yeah, we're probably going to catch you.

01:00:49.000 I have a strong feeling we're going to get the guy who did that to you.

01:00:54.000 And we're also going to get him in jail.

01:00:56.000 Watch this.

01:00:57.000 Ah, he's in jail.

01:00:59.000 Told ya.

01:01:00.000 No, so, um, four days in jail, and then he comes out and he press charges on me.

01:01:09.000 So they call me in, but the fucking Nimrod, and again, I'm only alleging I did this, the fucking Nimrod said, uh,

01:01:19.000 He went to jail on a Wednesday, he got out on Saturday, and he said this happened on Saturday.

01:01:19.000 Saturday.

01:01:24.000 He wrote down on the form, Saturday.

01:01:26.000 He wrote the wrong fucking date.

01:01:28.000 Oh no, sorry.

01:01:30.000 It happened on a Saturday, and he got out on a Wednesday, that's it.

01:01:34.000 And he said it happened on Wednesday.

01:01:35.000 Now Wednesday, I was at work.

01:01:37.000 So when the cops take me in, I go, oh, Wednesday, huh?

01:01:42.000 Well, I have nine billion emails, a room full of coworkers, I couldn't have more alibis.

01:01:48.000 This is back before you got email on your phone, too.

01:01:52.000 I'm drowning in alibis, dudes.

01:01:54.000 And they go, all right, well, we got to run your fingerprints and see if there's any warrants out for your arrest.

01:01:59.000 It's going to take about four hours.

01:02:02.000 And I go, so I got to go down in the cages?

01:02:05.000 Because this is on that precinct that's near the Kumia Studio, like 37th or something and 10th Ave.

01:02:14.000 And they have these cages in the basement.

01:02:16.000 They're just like, animals, beasts lying there.

01:02:21.000 And they're not big.

01:02:22.000 They're like animal cages.

01:02:23.000 It's what you'd put a pit bull in.

01:02:25.000 It's worse than the tombs.

01:02:27.000 So I don't want to go back down there.

01:02:28.000 Even the, it doesn't have bars.

01:02:30.000 It has cage steel, like crisscrossy X cage steel.

01:02:35.000 I don't want to go down there.

01:02:36.000 That sucks.

01:02:39.000 Can I just sit down here by you?

01:02:42.000 And they go, sure.

01:02:43.000 And I'm in the jail cell that's next to their desk.

01:02:49.000 Which, I don't know if you remember the show Barry Manilow.

01:02:52.000 No, I mean Barney Miller.

01:02:54.000 The Barney Miller Show, I've heard of that.

01:03:00.000 Barney Miller was a sitcom that took place in a police station.

01:03:08.000 And part of the set was, was a jail cell.

01:03:13.000 Let me see if they have the song at the beginning.

01:03:15.000 It's like a real basic, no, they just start with it.

01:03:20.000 So, a character in the show is always the guy that's in the holding cell.

01:03:24.000 And I was in that cell.

01:03:25.000 Dude, it was one of the best times of my life.

01:03:27.000 Really?

01:03:28.000 Although I will say, there was something, besides the drunk driving thing, which I don't really remember, that I had never experienced the shkung.

01:03:38.000 The actual thing closing?

01:03:39.000 The thing closing, and knowing, like a door you can kick down.

01:03:44.000 But I've never been in something where there's no possible way I can get out.

01:03:48.000 And it's 100% up to someone else whether I get out.

01:03:52.000 Like even this studio here right now.

01:03:54.000 We're near the ground floor.

01:03:55.000 I could jump out of the window.

01:03:57.000 I'm by Grand Central.

01:03:59.000 I can run there.

01:04:01.000 Even if we were on some crazy floor here, I could kick my way out.

01:04:05.000 These walls are just fucking plaster, a drywall.

01:04:08.000 I could kick through the wall to another room.

01:04:10.000 There's always a way out.

01:04:12.000 When there's not.

01:04:13.000 When there's not, man, it's a weird feeling.

01:04:15.000 And I had this buddy in Costa Rica, Jason, the guy who used to look after our place, this surf bum, who was on the lam for pot plants.

01:04:24.000 He was one of the biggest coke dealers in Chicago.

01:04:26.000 He was the only white kid who could speak to the black people and the white college kids, so he was the go-between dude.

01:04:32.000 Like that white guy in that new movie with Matthew McConaughey.

01:04:36.000 He was that kind of guy.

01:04:37.000 And he gave it all up because he was paying off cops and the cops said it's not looking good for you.

01:04:42.000 He gave it all up and then just for fun was growing pot in this abandoned house he rented.

01:04:49.000 And that was just a hobby, but it was Reagan era and they were fucking throwing the key away for people who just had a heating lamp.

01:04:58.000 Oh, yeah, because because Nancy Reagan did that.

01:04:59.000 Yes.

01:05:00.000 So he was looking at 10 years for having a bunch of pot plants, even though that's a similar sentence he would have got for his coke days.

01:05:06.000 Anyway, he disappeared to Costa Rica and

01:05:11.000 I used to make fun of him because he would complain all the time that he doesn't have a passport, no one knows his last name, and if his mother were to die he couldn't visit her, he can barely call her.

01:05:20.000 And I used to say, oh poor you, you live in paradise and surf all day and fuck chicks, what a nightmare.

01:05:28.000 And he goes, you don't understand man, a man not having his freedom, it's something you have to experience to understand.

01:05:33.000 And now I look back and I can sympathize with him more.

01:05:37.000 Where he was stuck on this beautiful island, but he couldn't move.

01:05:41.000 And that's why it's such an effective punishment.

01:05:43.000 That sounds shitty.

01:05:45.000 I don't like the sound of it.

01:05:46.000 Did I tell you about him?

01:05:47.000 Here's a weird story about him.

01:05:48.000 I think it's in my book.

01:05:49.000 I had this intern, that mulatto chick.

01:05:52.000 Who had BO.

01:05:54.000 Oh, yes.

01:05:55.000 She was actually quite wealthy.

01:05:57.000 And her, he was awesome too.

01:05:59.000 I'm sorry to identify her as BO, but I just knew that would help you remember immediately because we're discussing this.

01:06:05.000 And her dad was a successful lawyer who died in a helicopter crash.

01:06:10.000 Black guy.

01:06:11.000 So I guess the black high-end lawyers have sort of a fraternity, like a brotherhood, and they have each other's backs.

01:06:19.000 And that makes sense because it was probably you're probably the only one at that particular law school, especially if you're a boomer.

01:06:24.000 She went to law school in the 70s and you were probably the only one there.

01:06:27.000 So they have this bond, and they treat her great, and they're always checking in on her and saying, what can we do?

01:06:33.000 And she says to me, I feel bad because these guys want to help me, but what am I, Pablo Escobar?

01:06:39.000 I'm just a little girl.

01:06:41.000 I'm a 22-year-old who has my friends, and I like to go to concerts and dance.

01:06:48.000 I don't need someone to get rid of this, make this problem go away.

01:06:52.000 That's not my world.

01:06:53.000 It's a lot of pressure for her.

01:06:54.000 Yeah, exactly if she felt pressured to have a crime Expunged and I said, well, I got a crime sort of I got this buddy in Costa Rica who's been on the lam for 10 years and He wants to know if it's safe to come back.

01:07:09.000 So she goes that's perfect.

01:07:10.000 Thank you.

01:07:11.000 Huh?

01:07:12.000 I'll make him my friend so

01:07:15.000 So she tells them, the guys, I say to Jason, I go, I need your actual name now.

01:07:20.000 I think it was Jason Nathan Stapley.

01:07:23.000 And, uh, he goes, okay, he gives me his name and, um, they look it up and it had been expunged.

01:07:31.000 It was 10 years.

01:07:32.000 They got paperwork, a statute of limitations, fuck it, don't worry about it.

01:07:37.000 And he's free to do whatever he wants.

01:07:38.000 And they sent me the PDF of his file and I sent it to him and I go, dude, apparently you're free to go.

01:07:43.000 Wow.

01:07:44.000 And he was pissed.

01:07:46.000 What?

01:07:47.000 Well, get this.

01:07:49.000 He was this guy.

01:07:50.000 Dr. Doolittle can talk to the animals.

01:07:52.000 He, um, was, he learned Spanish and all the rich people in this town, Montezuma, Costa Rica, which we used to call Montefuma, Coca Rica.

01:08:03.000 Now that's what the local Ticos called it, and they would always go, ha ha ha ha, hey, manta fuma, coca rica!

01:08:24.000 All the rich old people, the boomers, that would have him build their mansions and be the contractor, the foreman kind of guy, they'd say, we want to have a huge cabana here, and then he would make it happen, right?

01:08:38.000 So he's invaluable to them.

01:08:40.000 They don't know how to tell people to build something.

01:08:42.000 And so he would ask them, hey, can you ask one of your 50 high-powered attorneys to check on my case?

01:08:49.000 And you know what they would do?

01:08:50.000 Especially this one woman, Chrissy.

01:08:52.000 She'd go, yeah, a lot of them are cokeheads too, these old rich boomers.

01:08:57.000 Yeah, they looked into it.

01:08:58.000 It's not looking good, Jay.

01:09:00.000 Sorry.

01:09:00.000 Yeah, it's still really bad.

01:09:02.000 In fact, the FBI is looking for you now more than ever.

01:09:05.000 Why would they do that?

01:09:06.000 They were lying.

01:09:07.000 What the fuck?

01:09:08.000 Because he was a valuable asset.

01:09:10.000 Holy shit.

01:09:11.000 So they were happy to keep him in this tropical jail.

01:09:13.000 I presume till he died of old age.

01:09:16.000 He had a kid there.

01:09:16.000 Shit.

01:09:17.000 Wife and a kid.

01:09:18.000 How fucking selfish and crazy.

01:09:20.000 Weird, huh?

01:09:21.000 Anyway, so when that cell door closed,

01:09:24.000 The tangent was better than the original story.

01:09:26.000 I hated that.

01:09:27.000 It was a really alarming feeling I've never felt before.

01:09:30.000 Primal kind of a wrong, but then it was fun.

01:09:34.000 And it made me tell my son, I want you to become a cop because I know being a cop is hard, but you get up to detective pretty quick if you just work hard on the test.

01:09:45.000 You can move up pretty fast, NYPD.

01:09:48.000 And he's not a white male.

01:09:49.000 He's got an Indian name, so I'm sure they're dying to get their Indian box checked off.

01:09:55.000 But they're in there and this woman comes by and she goes, where the fuck are the NC4s?

01:10:02.000 Or whatever.

01:10:03.000 And she was, I'm going to say an 8.2.

01:10:06.000 You know like Brooklyn broads who were born and raised there?

01:10:11.000 They look like Lonnie Anderson in WKRP and they work so hard on their hair and they're happy to show off their tits and they wear high heel shoes.

01:10:18.000 Like everyone says King of Queens is unrealistic because that big fat pig has way too hot of a chick.

01:10:23.000 That's not the way it works in Queens and Brooklyn and the Bronx.

01:10:27.000 The women work on themselves.

01:10:29.000 They're not like these soccer moms with short hair bobs and Skechers on and Lululemons.

01:10:35.000 Like they actually try to look like a woman even when they're 55.

01:10:39.000 So anyway, she comes out looking so fucking hot that I actually smashed one of the bars on my holding cell with my dick inadvertently and bent the steel.

01:10:50.000 I could have escaped.

01:10:51.000 That's no feat.

01:10:53.000 That's easy.

01:10:54.000 No, it was iron bars, dude.

01:10:57.000 You could hear... as my dick hit it.

01:10:58.000 Oh, I thought it was steel.

01:10:59.000 Okay.

01:11:00.000 No, it was iron.

01:11:01.000 That is tougher.

01:11:02.000 You heard... as my dick hit it and then you heard... It sounded like a baby pterodactyl yawning.

01:11:12.000 It sounded like a transformer being put down.

01:11:14.000 You're a rusty transformer.

01:11:18.000 Sorry.

01:11:19.000 It's like an old transformer lady.

01:11:21.000 You had a good run.

01:11:24.000 That'd be funny if Transformers got old and they had gray hair.

01:11:28.000 Anyway, um, so she leaves and she chastises him for not having some dumb form ready.

01:11:35.000 And then they look at each other after she leaves and they go, tell you what, if that's what affirmative action is going to give us bosses that look like that, I'm all for it.

01:11:44.000 Oh wow.

01:11:45.000 That was a fun quip.

01:11:45.000 And they're all laughing because she was insanely hot.

01:11:49.000 And then there was this black guy there, a black detective, and there'd been a shooting and the other two detectives are going, so what happened now?

01:11:55.000 They shot him in the club outside, shot him in the back of the head.

01:11:57.000 And did you get any witnesses?

01:12:01.000 Well, I have numbers of people who were at the club and regulars at the club who likely saw it, but no one was talking that night.

01:12:07.000 And the other guys are just like, yeah, you're fucked.

01:12:10.000 I don't envy you, my friend.

01:12:12.000 You're not getting nothing out of that.

01:12:14.000 And he was just sort of like, looking at his paperwork, knowing they're probably right.

01:12:19.000 I just thought, what a fun repartee they have, joking about chicks, and they're coming over to me.

01:12:27.000 So what happened?

01:12:27.000 You head-butted this guy?

01:12:28.000 They go, I don't know what you're talking about, sir.

01:12:30.000 Allegedly, I blah, blah, blah.

01:12:32.000 I'm like, here, you can use your phone.

01:12:34.000 Give me my phone.

01:12:36.000 Make some calls.

01:12:37.000 I was actually on the rocks with

01:12:41.000 I was dating with Emily at the time, my wife.

01:12:44.000 Excuse me, sorry for these disgusting sounds.

01:12:50.000 And she wasn't speaking to me for that sort of like, Roxanne, come on, what are you?

01:12:55.000 I love you.

01:12:55.000 Oh.

01:12:57.000 Oh, one of those things.

01:12:59.000 And she got word Gavin's in jail, which is a great way to get your girlfriend back.

01:13:04.000 Johnny Knoxville told me that once.

01:13:05.000 He said, if you ever get caught cheating and your wife's really mad, hurt yourself.

01:13:11.000 Like not on purpose.

01:13:12.000 I mean, not obviously on purpose, but fall out of the bed and like cut your toe or something and go, ah, oh shit, ow.

01:13:21.000 And then the attention gets switched to that.

01:13:24.000 I don't know.

01:13:25.000 I'm not telling you it works.

01:13:26.000 I'm just saying it's on the name dropping episode.

01:13:30.000 Yes.

01:13:31.000 Oh yeah.

01:13:32.000 You have dropped some names today here.

01:13:34.000 Oh my God.

01:13:34.000 Sarah Silverman.

01:13:36.000 Tommy Lee, Jeff Tremaine, Johnny Knoxville, David Cross, as I always do.

01:13:41.000 It's on the bingo card.

01:13:44.000 And there was another funny quip in that room.

01:13:46.000 Something about a gun?

01:13:47.000 Anyway, I was free to go and I almost didn't want to.

01:13:50.000 Especially now that the door was open and I could relax about that weird vibe.

01:13:55.000 But camaraderie among cops is enviable.

01:14:00.000 Even after they're done, even when they're retired.

01:14:03.000 They're just good people because they've seen shit.

01:14:06.000 Yeah, that kind of makes you, it puts shit in perspective.

01:14:08.000 You don't argue about cookies and stupid shit because you're too busy trying to survive.

01:14:13.000 I think the farther you get from survival, probably the farthest you get to be shitty.

01:14:17.000 Why are they all divorced though?

01:14:19.000 Cops?

01:14:20.000 Yeah.

01:14:21.000 I probably can't relate.

01:14:22.000 It's like PTSD type stuff.

01:14:25.000 And they probably get laid a lot.

01:14:27.000 But then how do the wives find out?

01:14:29.000 I heard that the Manhattan precinct, Times Square, it's whatever that code is,

01:14:36.000 Mm-hmm is is a synonym for divorce like oh you're in three three four nine all right get out of here Say goodbye to your wedding ring because apparently these Irish tourist chicks will just come up to you and it'll say the Marriott room 306 They'll just hand you a piece of paper that says that what yes because that's gotta be a fairy tale cuz they're on vacation They're horny.

01:14:56.000 They want to fuck a New Yorker, but they don't want STDs they don't want to get raped they don't want to get robbed so they figure well a cop's gonna

01:15:04.000 What fun is that?

01:15:04.000 Take all the fucking juice out of the pineapple without taking a bite.

01:15:11.000 Alright, we gotta go.

01:15:12.000 Oh, another question though.

01:15:14.000 What about gay sex in Brunei?

01:15:17.000 Where the sex isn't gay as in homosexual, it's just gay.

01:15:21.000 Like the way we use the word gay.

01:15:22.000 Oh, like you're kissing too much?

01:15:24.000 Or you're fucking and you're like, I love you so much!

01:15:29.000 Or she's blowing you, and you put your hands behind your head, so your heels are on the bed, your hands are behind your head, and then you push your pelvis up, up high, so you're shaped like the letter C, or like a horseshoe.

01:15:43.000 So your penis is way up, and she's sort of jerking you off, going, what?

01:15:46.000 And jizz is just shooting through the air, like the Fourth of July, and you just go, oh, yes!

01:15:56.000 Yeah, that's a problem, man.

01:15:57.000 That's gay sex.

01:16:02.000 Or what if you're eating her out and you're just like... And you just go... You start crying because you love her so much.

01:16:08.000 I can't do this.

01:16:10.000 Oh God, I love you so much.

01:16:12.000 Oh, I love you so much.

01:16:16.000 My angel, I love you.

01:16:18.000 I love you!

01:16:19.000 I love this woman!

01:16:26.000 Like when Tom Cruise was jumping on the couch for Oprah or for Katie Holmes or whatever, you just scream into her cunt.

01:16:33.000 I love you!

01:16:34.000 You jump on her cunt's couch.

01:16:37.000 I'm the most in love I've ever been in my life!

01:16:41.000 That's gay.

01:16:42.000 Yeah.

01:16:48.000 Or if after the sex, you lie in the nape of her shoulder, just above her left boob, and you sort of snuggle, like that John Lennon and Yoko Ono picture, where his leg, his nude butt is there, and his leg is over her waist.

01:17:03.000 That's pretty gay.

01:17:04.000 A little bit.

01:17:06.000 Should we bury that guy and throw stones at him to death?

01:17:09.000 Yeah.

01:17:11.000 Obviously John Hinckley thought so and flew from Hawaii to blow his head off.

01:17:15.000 Who dat?

01:17:17.000 John Lennon.

01:17:18.000 Was he killed by John Hinckley?

01:17:21.000 Probably.

01:17:22.000 Then don't look it up.

01:17:24.000 Suki Chong.

01:17:27.000 I'm looking up the Brunei moment.

01:17:30.000 And, uh, Suki Chung's take, whoever that is.

01:17:34.000 I bet she's British.

01:17:37.000 Something about Suki Chung just makes me think British.

01:17:41.000 Shocking new penal code will take Brunei back to the dark ages when it comes to human rights.

01:17:45.000 The penal code allows for cruel and inhumane, inhuman, she says, punishments, including stoning to death for consensual same-sex activity.

01:17:53.000 What if lesbian scissor

01:17:57.000 Hey lesbians, if you get caught scissoring, come on.

01:18:01.000 You gotta do a better job.

01:18:02.000 Yeah, just cut it out.

01:18:03.000 I was sleeping at my friend's house.

01:18:05.000 Her cunt was itchy.

01:18:07.000 And I was eating a burrito, so my hands were full.

01:18:10.000 What am I supposed to do?

01:18:12.000 I scratched her pussy with my fanny.

01:18:14.000 Fanny.

01:18:17.000 That is so silly.

01:18:18.000 That's so weird.

01:18:20.000 Okay, that's enough.

01:18:23.000 Go to NoHate.com for some fun videos, including, oh, we didn't get to those trauma strands.

01:18:28.000 Should we just play a little teaser of it?

01:18:30.000 Yeah.

01:18:30.000 Let's just play a little teaser.

01:18:33.000 Uh, Miles has got a video coming up about that.

01:18:35.000 DefendGavin.com is going wonderful.

01:18:39.000 Let's let them talk.

01:18:40.000 To the dead trees in the park and asking them if they had ever done any of this kind of work.

01:18:47.000 Just pause for a second here, just to give it some context.

01:18:50.000 Her and her friend have invented this way to prevent cancer and stress, and it's by pulling, sort of using mime rope technique, pulling trauma strains out of your body.

01:19:00.000 And they go back generations.

01:19:02.000 And one of her pet peeves is that trees don't do it.

01:19:06.000 And so she, in this recording, she's chastising a tree, yes, a fucking tree, for not practicing her crazy New Age medicine.

01:19:16.000 By the way, trees don't have, trees can't move their arms like that.

01:19:20.000 What's a tree supposed to do?

01:19:22.000 Lay off them.

01:19:23.000 Like you'd be better off yelling at a cat for it.

01:19:27.000 All right, now you can let her talk.

01:19:29.000 Kind of vaguely.

01:19:32.000 And are you aware that all those dead trees, and granted it's only a sampling of maybe 20 or so dead trees so far, but so far out of 20, none of them, zero, have used this practice.

01:19:46.000 So she's scolding?

01:19:48.000 Yeah, she's saying, look, there's tons of dead trees I've spoken to in the park.

01:19:51.000 None of them use this practice.

01:19:52.000 Clearly they died from not using this practice.

01:19:56.000 Um, you should try it.

01:19:59.000 And maybe the tree was like, bitch, I'm on your side.

01:20:02.000 I agree.

01:20:03.000 Let's do it.

01:20:05.000 But she couldn't hear him.

01:20:09.000 So yeah, NoHate.com.

01:20:13.000 We're going to have some more stuff on this site soon.

01:20:16.000 I mean, sorry, launching the new show very soon.

01:20:18.000 That's coming sooner than later.

01:20:19.000 Got the Copper Cab fight coming up.

01:20:21.000 I'll keep you posted on that.

01:20:23.000 Been filming some 30 for 30 stuff, showing you the two champs prepare for this battle to the death.

01:20:29.000 Uh-huh, uh-huh.

01:20:31.000 And DefendGavin.com could not be going better.

01:20:33.000 We had

01:20:35.000 Morris Dees, the founder, fired for being a racist creep.

01:20:39.000 We have Richard Cohen, who called me an asshole and said, good, I'm glad he's suing me.

01:20:44.000 He quits soon after I sue him.

01:20:47.000 We have the head of legal look at the complaint and go, this is a mess.

01:20:52.000 What the fuck are we doing here?

01:20:53.000 And she quits.

01:20:55.000 And so they pull in Tina Tchen, Michelle Obama's Chief of Staff, to be the new face of the new SPLC, and what do we find out?

01:21:03.000 That she's involved in this Jussie Smollett shit show, so now she's tainted goods.

01:21:07.000 I mean, the pendulum is swinging back to absurd proportions now.

01:21:11.000 I feel like the golden child.

01:21:14.000 Um...

01:21:16.000 And that's basically that.

01:21:17.000 I'm just going to sit here and Google image Vince Neil.

01:21:20.000 He's put on a lot of weight, probably because he's American Indian.

01:21:23.000 And I'll see you next week.

01:21:26.000 Oh, wait, one more thing.

01:21:27.000 Don't forget to check out my YouTube page.

01:21:29.000 I think you can find it by going to the Gavin 2000, because you'll see a lot of different pages.

01:21:34.000 But mine is the one that has new footage every... God, I'm really good at this.

01:21:41.000 Every day.

01:21:42.000 Every day.

01:21:43.000 Monday through Thursday.

01:21:44.000 Yeah, we have one coming out right now.

01:21:46.000 We're loading as we speak about how Saturday Night Fever is racist.

01:21:53.000 Goodbye.

Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes - March 28, 2019

#125 | I like to give advice that doesn't make sense

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