Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes - April 05, 2019


#128 | JLo is getting sued for her stripper movie


Episode Stats

Length

1 hour and 32 minutes

Words per Minute

173.30212

Word Count

16,042

Sentence Count

1,501

Misogynist Sentences

84

Hate Speech Sentences

117


Summary

JLo is getting sued for her stripper movie. Samantha Barbash is threatening to sue JLo and the production company for this movie about her life. And a stripper who seduced men and then put special K or something or MDMA in their drinks. And get them wasted, get them to sign away their credit cards, and also take raunchy pictures where they put their tits on their head. And one of them even went so far as to buy a Cadillac. I bought a car for my dad when I sold Vice UK many years ago, and it took a huge ordeal. It took me a long time to transfer the money. I had to talk to the bank. It's not a matter of a swipe, but that's suspicious, but I don't care why, to be honest, I don t even care why. I'm gay for being gay. And the more men I get to be gay, the more I'm gonna get to get to know more men. And I think that's awesome because men are awesome. And women are such dudes, and I think we should all be gay for getting to know other dudes. I think this is a good episode, and you should listen to this one, because it's a good one, so you don't have to be a dick about it, but you can be a guy about it. I love you, so don't be a dude about it! xoxo, Sarah - Sarah - The Real Thing - P.S. - This episode is a little bit longer than the other one, but it's better than the one I mentioned in the previous episode, so be sure to check out the next one, the one that I did not get a chance to watch the whole thing on YouTube yet, but maybe you'll listen to it on this episode on the other place? or maybe you do it in the next episode, or maybe it's not even get to hear it on VOGUE? - I'm not sure what you're not getting the chance to see it on the pod, but he's not getting enough of that, right?? ~ ? . Thank you, Sarah, you're being a girl, right? , , or you're just not getting it like that, he's getting it, right, or he's got it, he s getting it all, right there, right here, right?!


Transcript

00:00:00.000 JLo's getting sued for her stripper movie.
00:00:04.000 Well, let me rephrase that.
00:00:06.000 Samantha Barbash is threatening to sue JLo and the production company for this movie about her life.
00:00:15.000 Barbash?
00:00:16.000 Barbash?
00:00:17.000 Her name is Barbash?
00:00:19.000 Was a stripper who seduced men, her and her team would seduce men and then put special K or something or MDMA in their drinks, get them wasted, get them to sign away their credit cards and also take raunchy pictures where they put their tits on their head.
00:00:37.000 So they get these guys blackout stupid drunk and then empty their credit cards.
00:00:41.000 And one of them even went so far as to buy a Cadillac, which I don't quite understand.
00:00:49.000 How did you buy a Cadillac?
00:00:51.000 I bought a car for my dad when I sold Vice UK many years ago.
00:00:56.000 It was a huge ordeal.
00:00:57.000 It took a really long time.
00:00:58.000 I had to talk to the bank.
00:01:00.000 They had to transfer the money.
00:01:02.000 It's not a matter of a swipe.
00:01:05.000 So that's suspicious, but anyway.
00:01:09.000 She was a cunt.
00:01:11.000 Really weird looking chick with fake lips and fake everything and she would, you know, go to bachelor parties and stuff and rob people.
00:01:18.000 And J-Lo, J-Lo, I don't know why J-Lo is doing this.
00:01:21.000 I guess she wants to be more like Jenny from the block and broncs up her, her, uh, her rep.
00:01:28.000 Uh, I don't care why, to be honest.
00:01:31.000 But the reason I bring up this article is because of none of the above.
00:01:36.000 I was reading one in the post this morning and they talk about why they did it, these strippers, why they took advantage of these men.
00:01:44.000 And they say in the article, and this is the theme for today's podcast, they say that these guys were disgusting pigs and we wanted to punish them.
00:01:58.000 Oh, by the way, a little side note here.
00:02:06.000 You can't, you don't own your life story.
00:02:09.000 Like I know Sylvester Stallone paid money to the dude that Rocky was based on.
00:02:13.000 There's a movie about it called Chuck, where they did the movie about the actual guy.
00:02:19.000 But um, as long as you change major details, it's just an homage.
00:02:24.000 I don't think Sylvester Stallone had to pay any money to Chuck.
00:02:27.000 And this woman, sorry, you inspired a story.
00:02:30.000 I saw a shitty movie the other night called 12 Rounds Gun, and it was based on this guy, Billy Collins Jr., I think his name was.
00:02:40.000 And that was the guy, I'm Googling it as I talk, who, he fought this Hispanic dude who removed a padding in his gloves and soaked his hands in his wraps in Plaster of Paris.
00:02:55.000 So he was punching with rocks and he basically blinded the guy.
00:02:59.000 He made it so hard for the guy to see that, uh, he could never fight again and he ends up killing himself in a car accident.
00:03:05.000 So 12 rounds gun takes the guts of that story and makes a similar thing and whatever.
00:03:13.000 It's, I don't want to ruin the ending for you, but if we talk ever in private, I will explain why the movie bothered me.
00:03:20.000 Um,
00:03:21.000 Louis Resto was his name, who put the plaster on his hands.
00:03:26.000 Apparently, my coach was telling me that you can just sprinkle Plaster of Paris on the wraps, and then as your hands sweat and everything, that becomes the moisture you need to make Plaster of Paris.
00:03:37.000 And so from the back room to the actual ring, and post-inspection, your wraps go from feeling soft to being rocks.
00:03:47.000 Anywho!
00:03:50.000 They don't owe any money to Billy Collins for that movie and J.Lo doesn't owe any money to Barbash.
00:03:58.000 But this is why I brought this up.
00:04:02.000 So they would get them wasted.
00:04:04.000 Sorry, I'm reading as I talk this.
00:04:09.000 I think that's why we got greedy, she admitted.
00:04:12.000 And this is one of the girls that was part of this woman's entourage.
00:04:15.000 Because of the amount of stress we had to endure, we're just like, you know what?
00:04:20.000 These people are fucking pissing me off.
00:04:23.000 Just for that, I'm going to max out his credit card, like a penalty.
00:04:27.000 You're going to be left with a zero balance, zero credit line, just for being annoying.
00:04:32.000 There's something extra satisfying about persuading a man who thinks you're trash to spend his time and money on you.
00:04:38.000 That's the kind of thing, and that's the reason I brought up this whole thing.
00:04:41.000 That's why this podcast starts with that line.
00:04:44.000 That's the kind of thing that sounds good in an article and it sounds believable and women go, yeah, you go girl, but it's such a fucking lie.
00:04:54.000 So this, the real title of this podcast should be I'm gay for men.
00:05:00.000 The more I get to know men, the more I go, Jesus Christ, we are awesome dudes, us men.
00:05:10.000 And the reason it's surprising is because we've been taught our whole lives to hate ourselves.
00:05:15.000 I know I'm sounding like a men's rights activist now, but even me personally, I remember when I first had kids and I'd be picking up my son from hockey or whatever, and I'd see a dad picking up his two girls from figure skating.
00:05:29.000 And what you're taught is, well, that guy's deeply ashamed and he wished he had boys.
00:05:34.000 And he was talking to a dad who had, like, three boys with him, all wearing hockey gear, and three big hockey gear bags.
00:05:41.000 And you go, oh, well, clearly the figure skater dad feels like a fucking loser, and he's so jealous of the dad with the three boys who are all in hockey.
00:05:50.000 No.
00:05:51.000 No, dude.
00:05:53.000 But we've all been brainwashed to sort of assume that.
00:05:55.000 That guy adores his figure skater daughters.
00:05:59.000 He thinks they're wonderful.
00:06:03.000 We've been lied to.
00:06:04.000 And I feel like at the age of 48, I'm slowly realizing that not only are we not shitbags, we're sweeties.
00:06:13.000 Persuading a man who thinks you're trash.
00:06:15.000 Alright, I don't go to strip clubs since my daughter was born, but I used to go a lot.
00:06:20.000 Motley Crue amount of times.
00:06:24.000 And it's like a pussy church.
00:06:27.000 In fact, the only time it's not a pussy church is when women show up.
00:06:31.000 It's interesting that men aren't allowed at, you know, male strip clubs, but women are allowed in our strip clubs.
00:06:38.000 That says a lot right there.
00:06:41.000 We're just like, sure, whatever goes man.
00:06:43.000 I don't want any trouble.
00:06:45.000 And then women are like, I don't want those guys around.
00:06:47.000 I don't want to see me doing hot, uh, whipped cream shots off a guy's bag.
00:06:53.000 And at strip clubs, men sit there sipping beer, looking at buttholes and tits and stuff in a very reverent way.
00:07:01.000 They don't think the strippers are trash.
00:07:03.000 They don't laugh and high-five and go, look at this dumb bitch that's nude up there.
00:07:08.000 In fact...
00:07:09.000 You know, we used to go to this really disgusting strip club in Queens, Long Island City.
00:07:15.000 It was called Foxes.
00:07:18.000 And there'd be pendulous breasts hanging down to the ground.
00:07:22.000 And it was embarrassing.
00:07:23.000 And you would sort of smile and sometimes put money in her panties just as a courtesy.
00:07:28.000 I mean, there was one that was right by World Trade Center.
00:07:30.000 It was right by the Tribeca Grand.
00:07:34.000 There was right by Chamber Street, there was a strip club.
00:07:38.000 It was called Dolls, Baby Dolls, something like that.
00:07:43.000 And I remember there was a black woman there whose breasts were gone.
00:07:46.000 They were just skin.
00:07:47.000 It was two pizza slices stapled to her chest.
00:07:51.000 And...
00:07:52.000 I remember her sort of leaning down and the, like, take your t-shirt and fold it down.
00:07:57.000 Just like slices of skin.
00:07:59.000 It was like someone snuck in the middle of night and took all the meat out of her tits and just left these pizza slices.
00:08:04.000 Like, almost like two pairs of tighty-whitey underwear were just hanging from her.
00:08:11.000 And it was embarrassing the same way like if you worked at a modeling agency and someone showed up with a burn and said, I'd like you to look at my book, please.
00:08:21.000 You'd go, okay.
00:08:22.000 All right.
00:08:23.000 Yeah.
00:08:24.000 Um, everything looks good here.
00:08:25.000 Male model, burn victim.
00:08:27.000 Um, we'll call you when, uh, we have something.
00:08:32.000 It was like that.
00:08:33.000 There was no laughing or high fiving.
00:08:35.000 Men are very sensitive about strippers feelings.
00:08:38.000 They respect that a woman got out there and got nude and they don't want to rock the boat by giggling or demeaning her.
00:08:48.000 It's the same way, it's the same with flight attendants and bartenders.
00:08:52.000 I am so desperate for booze on a plane because it takes at least an hour before they come around with that fucking cart that I'm always like, hello.
00:09:02.000 Yes.
00:09:03.000 Thank you so much.
00:09:04.000 We even, when I go on business trips with my buddy Sebastian, we used to tip the steward as we got on, the stewardess, we give them 20 bucks just to grease the wheels.
00:09:13.000 The last thing I'd ever do is say, hey, I pushed that button like 10 minutes ago, bitch.
00:09:17.000 No, I am so honored to be getting beer on a flying building that when they come over, I say, usually my wife's asleep.
00:09:26.000 You know, Indians, they love to nap.
00:09:28.000 I'll say, hi, my wife would like a double Woodford Reserve and a Heineken because they don't have Budweiser usually.
00:09:37.000 And I, too, would like to follow her up that tree, if you will.
00:09:42.000 And I also would like to get two Woodford Reserves and a Budweiser.
00:09:47.000 So now we're up to six drinks for the G-Dog while my wife sleeps through the whole mess.
00:09:53.000 Because they have their little thing where they're only supposed to give you a drink an hour or something like that, which is insane.
00:10:03.000 Your body breaks it down in an hour.
00:10:05.000 There's no buzz there.
00:10:06.000 Yeah, let's smoke a joint every two days.
00:10:12.000 Sorry, have a toke.
00:10:14.000 Um, so yeah.
00:10:16.000 That just pissed me off because it was a lie.
00:10:17.000 And I've really been getting into men recently.
00:10:20.000 I know that sounds gay.
00:10:22.000 But outside of the sex, I am gay.
00:10:25.000 And sometimes at the gym we'll be doing these exercises and stuff and we're all laughing at each other and there's this dude that we're throwing the medicine ball and I purposely throw it so hard at him that he goes flying backwards.
00:10:35.000 And what does he do?
00:10:37.000 He lasts his head off because that's funny.
00:10:39.000 You know?
00:10:40.000 It's all quality jokes at the gym.
00:10:43.000 And then sometimes women show up.
00:10:46.000 And women hitting a heavy bag is a sight to be seen.
00:10:50.000 It is superfluous.
00:10:52.000 It's like when you bring your four-year-old to play mini-golf, and you go, now of course there's some great female boxers, don't get me wrong.
00:10:58.000 Way better than they could beat the shit out of me, obviously.
00:11:02.000 But for the most part, it's like, come on ladies.
00:11:04.000 And there's no animosity, there's no laughing, there's no, hey guys, check out this!
00:11:08.000 Who came up with this whole thing?
00:11:11.000 I'm pissed off about this Andrew Dice Clay archetype.
00:11:15.000 I'm pissed off at the Fonz.
00:11:18.000 I don't even like the Fonz.
00:11:19.000 Homer Simpson is fucking ridiculous.
00:11:21.000 That guy's so retarded that if Marge wasn't there, he wouldn't be able to feed himself.
00:11:25.000 He has an IQ of maybe 65.
00:11:29.000 But even Andrew Dice Clay, I don't like that.
00:11:34.000 When I grew up, we had this weird version of cool
00:11:39.000 That we got from the States, and it was from the 70s, but the 70s was going through a 50s revival.
00:11:46.000 And there were these guys, mostly Jewish guys, but a lot of Italian guys, like John Travolta.
00:11:52.000 We're doing this caricature of a Queens Italian guy.
00:11:56.000 It seems very specific.
00:11:57.000 We're talking about, what's the population of Queens?
00:12:00.000 Let me look it up.
00:12:02.000 If my engineer here wasn't such a nibbler.
00:12:06.000 Okay, 2 million.
00:12:07.000 Population of Queens is 2 million.
00:12:09.000 The guys that are like, you know, adult males, 1 million, maybe 500,000.
00:12:16.000 So the entire North America's entire definition of cool was based on 500,000 guys and it was based on the movie Lords of Flatbush really which I think Henry Winkler was in and they wore motorcycle jackets and white t-shirts which was
00:12:32.000 An homage to the 50s to Marlon Brando in The Wild One and James Dean in Rebel Without a Cause.
00:12:39.000 And they were not just guys from Queens, but they were retards from Queens.
00:12:45.000 Hey, what the fuck?
00:12:48.000 And then you had the Fonz.
00:12:49.000 You couldn't say, sorry, I'm really sorry.
00:12:52.000 No, no, wrong.
00:12:53.000 You couldn't say he was wrong.
00:12:54.000 He told Ralph Malfe to join the army.
00:12:56.000 And then Ralph Malfe was going to go off to, I don't know, I guess it would have been Korea.
00:13:00.000 In that, uh, time frame?
00:13:02.000 And then the Fonz has to say he's wrong?
00:13:04.000 He's like, um, vrrr, vrrr, vrrr.
00:13:08.000 He can't say he's wrong?
00:13:10.000 Yeah, that's men.
00:13:12.000 I feel like Jezebel and all these feminist sites are sort of locked in to that version of men.
00:13:18.000 The leather jacket wearing.
00:13:20.000 And everyone was when it came to cool.
00:13:22.000 If Rice Krispies had cool Krispies, they would have a motorcycle jacket on, a white t-shirt, sunglasses, a pompadour, maybe, maybe not.
00:13:30.000 And just be like, hey, what the fuck?
00:13:32.000 I'm a Rice Krispie.
00:13:33.000 I'm a cool, this is cool.
00:13:35.000 You have a cool banana.
00:13:37.000 To this day, it has a motorcycle jacket on.
00:13:39.000 I guess now it'll have a skateboard or something.
00:13:40.000 But for the most part, it's based on Queen's 1970s obsession with the 1950s.
00:13:46.000 Weird.
00:13:50.000 And you know what's funny about lesbians?
00:13:52.000 They will lock into that too.
00:13:54.000 Portlandia does a good parody of that where Carrie Brownstein has sideburns on in a pompadour.
00:13:59.000 But lesbians will get locked into this, hey fucking, I'm a dude!
00:14:05.000 And that's why they have such a problem with domestic abuse.
00:14:09.000 the male in quotation marks in a lesbian relationship will have on a wife beater and uh he'll kick the shit out of his lipstick lesbian girlfriend she'll kick the shit because they're sort of locked into this 50s archetype
00:14:27.000 Which I'm not even sure was true.
00:14:29.000 I mean, I've seen, you know, on the waterfront, I could have been a contender, I've seen a lot of movies about New York in the 40s and 30s and 50s.
00:14:39.000 Apparently, we were beating the shit out of our wives for having our dinner late.
00:14:44.000 I'll just take your word for it.
00:14:46.000 I haven't seen the stats.
00:14:48.000 But I think a lot of lesbians get locked into that, like, hey, I'm a dude, what the fuck?
00:14:53.000 Fucking... Get the fuck out of here!
00:15:01.000 Fucking Saturday Night Fever.
00:15:03.000 Hey, you hit the hair!
00:15:05.000 Don't hit my hair!
00:15:07.000 I work all day on my hair, then that hits my hair!
00:15:11.000 Or she goes... I did a video about this too.
00:15:14.000 The girl that John Travolta likes goes, you're just trying to stir shit up, Johnny or whatever his name is.
00:15:20.000 He's like, it's not so hard.
00:15:22.000 You just put a bunch of shit in a bowl and then you get like a potato masher and you mash it up.
00:15:30.000 If your friend said that to you, you'd go, what?
00:15:32.000 Oh, shit stirrer.
00:15:33.000 That's how you do it.
00:15:34.000 You go, are you having a stroke?
00:15:36.000 Are you okay?
00:15:37.000 What's the matter with, what's the matter you?
00:15:45.000 But I think that the tides are turning.
00:15:47.000 I saw this other article, um, that was about Proud Boys.
00:15:51.000 Actual mall.
00:15:52.000 I got an email from a, uh, a journalist in Chicago.
00:15:56.000 Apparently there was a, uh,
00:15:59.000 A rally recently that a guy who is in the Proud Boys was spotted at.
00:16:05.000 They weren't wearing their shirts or anything.
00:16:07.000 It wasn't an official doohickey.
00:16:09.000 But the local Chicago fucking super lefty Berkeley news.
00:16:15.000 Chicago, as far as the media goes, is Berkeley.
00:16:18.000 Is Madison.
00:16:19.000 Is San Francisco.
00:16:20.000 Is L.A.
00:16:21.000 Is New York.
00:16:22.000 There's only about six cities that suck, but they seem to dominate the news.
00:16:26.000 And he said, I was going to say this in a Goomba accent for some reason.
00:16:32.000 But anyway, he goes, Hey, any comment on this rally recently against Jussie Smollett?
00:16:38.000 There was the, I forget the name.
00:16:40.000 It was like American Patriot Progress or American Patriot Group there.
00:16:46.000 And I looked them up and they're super right-wing white supremacists, white nationalists, bad men.
00:16:53.000 And he goes, so you were marching with them.
00:16:56.000 And, uh, why Jussie Smollett?
00:17:00.000 And, uh, what do you have to say while we're on the, on the record about the SPLC and the ADL calling you a hate group?
00:17:08.000 And I said, all right, let's go through this nice and slow.
00:17:12.000 Number one, it wasn't a Proud Boys event.
00:17:15.000 They were just a guy who's in that club.
00:17:18.000 Like the Knights of Columbus happened to be there.
00:17:21.000 Two, you're not responsible for who is at the thing you're at.
00:17:28.000 If you appear in a photograph with someone, and the left keeps doing this, that doesn't mean that you're him.
00:17:34.000 Obama appeared in photographs with Farrakhan.
00:17:36.000 No one talked about that.
00:17:39.000 In fact, the picture is now verboten.
00:17:42.000 It's hard to find.
00:17:44.000 And if you want to talk about who attends rallies, how about the Women's March where you had Linda Sarsour up there who advocates Sharia law.
00:17:53.000 It's a fucking Women's March and in Sharia law, a woman's testimony is worth half of a man's.
00:18:02.000 So if one guy says, I didn't rape her, and she says, he raped me, we're at zero.
00:18:07.000 If two women say, he raped her, and one guy says, no, I didn't, we're still at zero.
00:18:15.000 She needs three chicks to say she was raped to get out of the one for one deal.
00:18:21.000 It's also an anti-Semitic form of justice that is against Jews being involved in money.
00:18:28.000 I mean, Sharia is archaic.
00:18:30.000 And it's sexist.
00:18:31.000 And by the way, it's pro-life.
00:18:33.000 They didn't allow pro-lifers at the Women's March, which is bizarre because the Sharia woman, who was the head of the thing, I mean, I'm not sure she actually ran it, but she seemed to be the most vocal person on the podium next to Madonna saying she wants to kill the president.
00:18:51.000 Linda Sarsour, a pro-Sharia woman.
00:18:53.000 Pro-Sharia means you're a very orthodox, you're a very traditional Muslim.
00:18:57.000 If you're a traditional Muslim, you're pro-life.
00:18:59.000 But she banned pro-life women from it because they're probably too pro-Trumpy.
00:19:03.000 So it wasn't about women at all.
00:19:04.000 It was about Trump.
00:19:07.000 They also had Donna Hilton at that fucking thing.
00:19:10.000 Donna Hilton was part of a group that kidnapped a gay homeless man, kept him in a closet for many days, and then what'd they do?
00:19:20.000 After kicking the shit out of him, they sodomized him to death with a long steel pole.
00:19:27.000 She did 20 years in prison for that, as she should, at least.
00:19:31.000 And then she's on a podium talking about prisoners' rights and the importance of LGBTQ, whatever, to gay people.
00:19:39.000 Can you get a grip on that audacity?
00:19:44.000 You're a Nazi skinhead who killed a Jewish family, you went to jail, and then you come out and you do a talk about tolerance and love.
00:19:53.000 I mean, they're kind of doing that now with these ex-skinheads who talk about, um, about tolerance and escaping hate.
00:20:00.000 Yeah, um, I was never a Nazi.
00:20:03.000 You're a Nazi, dude.
00:20:04.000 You don't really get to preach to me about tolerance.
00:20:07.000 I didn't go out fag bashing like you did.
00:20:10.000 And again,
00:20:12.000 When I was a kid in the 80s, a punk rocker, Nazi skinheads would hunt us down.
00:20:17.000 They weren't kind of maybe a Nazi, like they liked sports too much or listened to country music.
00:20:24.000 They had swastika tattoos and swastikas on their bomber jackets and 14-hole Doc Martens and they would hospitalize punk rockers.
00:20:35.000 So I've played your game before, but it was actually real.
00:20:42.000 I'll never forget Aiden Girt, the drummer for our band.
00:20:44.000 He was getting beaten by this guy, Joff, who eventually killed himself on the phone with his girlfriend by putting a machine gun in his mouth and then with a broken broomstick pushing down on the trigger so it blew his head off and she could hear it on the other line.
00:20:59.000 There's an Ottawa skinhead named Joff.
00:21:01.000 I'm sure you can look this up.
00:21:03.000 He was being denied custody and he had a meltdown.
00:21:05.000 He got all his guns from the States from these survivalists.
00:21:08.000 Those were scary dudes.
00:21:10.000 Remember he beat up Aiden Girt for about three hours.
00:21:12.000 I wasn't there.
00:21:14.000 And Aiden Girt just kept saying, he never gave up.
00:21:17.000 He just kept saying, whatever Joff, you're Joff and I'm Aiden.
00:21:20.000 Fuck you.
00:21:21.000 Meaning you're known as one of the scariest guys in this town and I'm a skinny drummer, but I'm just going to sit here and take a beating and fuck you.
00:21:29.000 He also got smashed in the head with a baseball bat by skinheads.
00:21:32.000 Any hizzle.
00:21:34.000 That's a long tangent.
00:21:36.000 Um,
00:21:39.000 But I said, I assume you gave the Women's March the same kind of scrutiny, and you were that concerned about Donna Hilton and Linda Sarsour, if you're concerned about who marched near these people at an anti-Jussie Smollett rally, and who the fuck is not against Jussie Smollett, especially in Chicago right now?
00:21:59.000 And then his second question was the SPLC rating as a hate group, and I said, um, we are suing the SPLC for that denomination and destroying them.
00:22:09.000 They are falling through our fingers like sand right now.
00:22:13.000 It's getting hard to squeeze because by the time our fists clench, they're gone.
00:22:17.000 They're just a few pieces of powder.
00:22:20.000 We'll get to the ADL eventually, but they're kind of irrelevant.
00:22:23.000 They don't have the same kind of dramatic influence that the SPLC has.
00:22:27.000 I just heard, by the way, from a guy, a spy at PayPal, that the VP of, I don't know, the group that is working on their
00:22:39.000 You know, crime and fraud division has made my name a keyword that comes up in searches that will have your account banished.
00:22:54.000 Isn't that bizarre?
00:22:55.000 I barely used PayPal, by the way.
00:23:01.000 And what was the fourth question?
00:23:02.000 Oh yeah, so why, and then I also said, this is a very important analogy.
00:23:06.000 We learned this in junior high.
00:23:08.000 And when people say that, like, oh yeah, you wrote a thing?
00:23:11.000 Well Nazis wrote a thing.
00:23:12.000 Say this to them.
00:23:14.000 All dogs are mammals.
00:23:16.000 All cats are mammals.
00:23:18.000 All dogs are not cats.
00:23:20.000 That's the simplest way to explain to these people.
00:23:23.000 Another quickie is, Hitler used toilet paper.
00:23:26.000 If you use toilet paper, you're not necessarily Hitler.
00:23:32.000 And then the fourth one was why Jussie Smollett?
00:23:34.000 And I said, because he represents this burning desire the modern left has to find, to prove that this country is a mega redneck shithole with Nazis lying around every corner, which is precisely why
00:23:53.000 Kamala Harris, a potential president of the United States, jumped on it and said, we're better than this, America.
00:24:00.000 Don't go around pouring bleach on our gay actors and calling them it's MAGA country.
00:24:06.000 Bernie Sanders, I think, ran with it.
00:24:09.000 Everyone ran with that story.
00:24:12.000 And it was like the Covington High School kids, where the second I heard it, I went, nope.
00:24:18.000 No young white man hears, especially a Catholic student on a fucking field trip, hears, oh, there's an Aboriginal ceremony?
00:24:27.000 Yeah, well, fuck that.
00:24:29.000 And starts kicking the fire they're doing smoke signals with and breaking their peace pipes and pushing over their teepee.
00:24:37.000 That's a stupid cartoon.
00:24:40.000 That's literally back to the future levels of silliness.
00:24:45.000 So when we heard that, we went, bullshit, but not the rest of the country, or I should say not half.
00:24:49.000 They all went, yep, fucking classic.
00:24:52.000 That is so fucked up.
00:24:54.000 I can't believe these bastards go to aboriginal.
00:24:57.000 Yeah, they also go to black funerals.
00:24:59.000 They go to Harlem and they go, good, I'm glad a black man's dead.
00:25:02.000 And they push over the casket and the black man rolls out and then all the people are screaming.
00:25:07.000 They go, shut up monkeys.
00:25:09.000 And then they tear off in their pickup truck with Confederate flags on the back.
00:25:14.000 Half of the shit these liberals say, if it was in a movie, I would turn it off because I'd go, this is a ridiculous movie.
00:25:22.000 I can't watch this anymore.
00:25:24.000 It's too far-fetched.
00:25:29.000 Um, which brings me to a really good article I read in, also in the New York Post.
00:25:34.000 The New York Post is my paper of record, although they've let me down a few times.
00:25:38.000 But, um, this article was by Andy Ngo.
00:25:42.000 It's a problem with immigrants and their weird names.
00:25:44.000 Andy Ngo.
00:25:46.000 Ngo.
00:25:47.000 How do you, that's like the sound you make when someone punches you in your right shoulder blade when you're trying to sign your name to a contract.
00:25:53.000 You're like, yep, I agree, Gavin.
00:25:55.000 Ngo.
00:25:56.000 Dude!
00:25:57.000 What are you doing?
00:25:58.000 I fucked up your signature.
00:26:00.000 Yeah, you also made me pronounce Andy Ngo's last name perfectly for once.
00:26:07.000 Anyway, Andy is a Gaysian who lives in Portland and he is committing the crime of trying to do half-decent journalism in that city, which must not be easy.
00:26:19.000 And so the story was, the title is, Inside the Suspicious Rise of Gay Hate Crimes in Portland.
00:26:25.000 I was gonna read that sarcastically, but I'm on his side.
00:26:29.000 And it is weird how there's all these hate crimes, these gay hate crimes in Portland.
00:26:35.000 And Andy Ngo, I'm just gonna call him Andy from now on.
00:26:38.000 Sorry dude, your last name's too weird.
00:26:41.000 Um, he pursued all these.
00:26:43.000 And there was this woman, Jenny Brussaux, who tweeted out, Queer and trans people in Portland.
00:26:50.000 My partner Bree was just attacked by two young white men in a maroon Bronco.
00:26:54.000 That's a common thing I've noticed with these hysterical lefties.
00:26:57.000 They're into identifying this mysterious car.
00:27:01.000 It's like they saw Christine, that Stephen King horror movie.
00:27:04.000 It's all about the type of car.
00:27:07.000 In my own neighborhood, there was rumors that a red Jeep Rubicon was scouting.
00:27:13.000 Hate has no home here signs.
00:27:15.000 It's a maroon Bronco.
00:27:17.000 It's a black Chevy Impala.
00:27:21.000 It's a brown Dodge Dart that's scoping out my neighborhood.
00:27:26.000 It has tinted windows I can't see in.
00:27:28.000 Anyway, this maroon bronco, um, was at Suburban and Southeast 7, blah, blah, blah.
00:27:35.000 She was walking to her car after work and they pulled up beside her, yelled, die fucking dyke!
00:27:41.000 And threw an unopened beer can at her.
00:27:44.000 And then they show a picture with a cut on her face and blood on her glasses.
00:27:47.000 Very small cut, very little blood.
00:27:50.000 And the police look into it and they go, yeah, I think she fell, dude.
00:27:54.000 I think she was blackout drunk.
00:27:56.000 Um, and she fell.
00:27:58.000 That looks like a, a falling kind of a cut on the face, not a beer can to the face.
00:28:04.000 And, uh, she was slurring when we found her.
00:28:08.000 And she also said, if you don't help me, my people will ruin you.
00:28:14.000 And so Andy investigates it and they go,
00:28:18.000 Yeah, there's no evidence of that.
00:28:20.000 And the CCTV cams show something totally different.
00:28:22.000 Then they find another hate crime where this gay was killed or something and beaten with bats.
00:28:30.000 And the police look into that and they go, yeah, the cameras don't show it and this is a lie.
00:28:35.000 And every time this reporter, Andy, tries to approach them, they go, fuck you and block them.
00:28:40.000 And they clearly don't want to get to the truth.
00:28:42.000 And none of them went to the cops.
00:28:45.000 Excuse me.
00:28:46.000 None of them went to the cops first.
00:28:47.000 They always just tell Andy to fuck off and try to raise money.
00:28:52.000 I've been doing videos all day, by the way, and it's given me this cool Brenda Vaccaro for Tampax tampons voice I'm very into.
00:28:58.000 Ben Shapiro, if you're out there and you're listening, dude, talk for two hours before you do your podcast.
00:29:05.000 I love you, Ben, but you sound like you're in a Nickelodeon cartoon.
00:29:09.000 You need to drink whiskey, smoke a cigar, and just go for two hours before you do your podcast.
00:29:16.000 And you can lose that voice because everything you say is wonderful.
00:29:20.000 But it would sound so much better if it was by that guy with the mustache from Roadhouse.
00:29:25.000 What's his name?
00:29:27.000 Sam.
00:29:28.000 Sam Elliott.
00:29:30.000 Ben Shapiro should have Sam Elliott just read his scripts and then just sort of mime it.
00:29:36.000 Like karaoke or whatever.
00:29:37.000 Lip sync it.
00:29:39.000 Because Ben's voice has got to go!
00:29:42.000 What are some of the things that Ben says that he's known for saying?
00:29:46.000 Facts don't hurt your feelings?
00:29:47.000 Facts don't care about your feelings?
00:29:49.000 Well, listen, dude.
00:29:50.000 Facts don't hurt your feelings.
00:29:51.000 No, facts don't care about your feelings.
00:29:54.000 Facts don't care about your feelings.
00:29:56.000 I'm Sam Elliott.
00:29:58.000 What's up?
00:29:59.000 This is Ben Shapiro.
00:30:00.000 Welcome back.
00:30:01.000 The all new Dodge Ram.
00:30:04.000 Facts don't give a fuck about your feelings, faggot.
00:30:07.000 Drink a sarsaparilla, bitch.
00:30:10.000 Hey, if there's any feelings listening to this show right now, fucking hang up.
00:30:15.000 I don't want any feelings on my show, only facts.
00:30:19.000 So yeah, beaten with baseball bats.
00:30:21.000 So then they blame the Proud Boys, which has happened a million times.
00:30:24.000 One of the craziest ones I've talked about before was in, what was it, Oakland.
00:30:29.000 Where a proud boy just randomly stabs a black chick, laughs about it, and then says, hey guys, let's all go to a bar to celebrate the murder of a black chick.
00:30:37.000 So a mob forms to prevent this.
00:30:39.000 Now, the truth was some career criminal with mental illness stabbed a black chick for telling him to fuck off because he was crazy and he grew up in jail.
00:30:48.000 And he went right back to jail.
00:30:50.000 Prison.
00:30:53.000 But the narrative went off on a tangent.
00:30:55.000 And this narrative was all about the evil, fag-bashing Proud Boys who just want to go kill things.
00:31:03.000 And so Andy interviews them and he finds, and it's not hard, this gay Proud Boy.
00:31:12.000 And he goes, The Proud Boys is the most welcoming organization that I've ever been a part of, Fred Swink, an openly gay Proud Boys member in Vancouver, Washington, told me.
00:31:21.000 Swink has spent years being involved in the queer scene, where he was once the publisher of Stonewall News, an LGBT paper.
00:31:26.000 Swink is also familiar with gay bashing.
00:31:28.000 In 2008, there was a series of alleged assaults on gay men in Spokane who were lured and mugged through hookup sites.
00:31:34.000 Some of them were closeted or married to women and did not go to police.
00:31:38.000 I'm sorry to make your voice gayer, Swink, but it helps deliver the message.
00:31:45.000 Many victims never report for a variety of reasons, Swink says, but if they start making allegations that provide no details, that just creates hysteria.
00:31:52.000 The men I know who didn't report their attacks to police also didn't bring attention themselves through viral social media posts on Twitter and Facebook.
00:32:00.000 Swink's point being that these guys are making a boatload of cash on these GoFundMes.
00:32:06.000 Like tens of thousands of dollars saying they were attacked.
00:32:10.000 And it, you know, it works.
00:32:11.000 The guy with the baseball bats got ten grand as of, you know, a couple weeks ago.
00:32:18.000 Who knows what it's up to now?
00:32:20.000 And I had kind of an epiphany when I was reading this.
00:32:22.000 I realized the real problem with the gays is that we don't give a shit about them.
00:32:31.000 And they can't take it.
00:32:33.000 Like, no one cares enough to fagbash anymore.
00:32:37.000 I'm sure there are homophobes.
00:32:40.000 And, you know, I meet people... Where I grew up, in Canada, gay jokes were everywhere.
00:32:46.000 Even my dad, like my dad was on a hunting trip recently and they joked to the owners of the sort of camping lodge that they were all fags and they needed one bed or something like that.
00:32:59.000 I can't, I'm ruining his joke.
00:33:01.000 He'd be very angry if he knew I did this, but they came down for breakfast the next day all holding their assholes like, oh Jesus, wow.
00:33:08.000 And then saying to the waitress at the cabin, my dad's like, I'll just stand.
00:33:13.000 Thank you.
00:33:14.000 My God.
00:33:15.000 Wow.
00:33:16.000 Have you got any hemorrhoid pillows?
00:33:19.000 It's not the most ambitious jokes, not the wittiest joke, but it does the trick.
00:33:24.000 And I used, I noticed when I moved to, to Brooklyn from Canada,
00:33:29.000 One of the things I like to end a phone call with is go, okay, man.
00:33:31.000 All right, cool.
00:33:32.000 All right.
00:33:32.000 I love you.
00:33:33.000 And just hang up right after that.
00:33:35.000 The other funny thing is apology accepted.
00:33:38.000 And the other funny thing is white power.
00:33:41.000 You always hear the guy on the other end go, what the fuck?
00:33:43.000 But I noticed with Brooklyn guys, when I go, okay, I love you, they go, hey, hey, whoa, what the fuck?
00:33:48.000 Like they didn't like the gay joke thing.
00:33:50.000 They don't do that in Brooklyn.
00:33:51.000 That's not really homophobia.
00:33:53.000 And yes, you see homophobia in the black community.
00:33:57.000 They're really against, you know, the DL and you shouldn't have sucked those dicks in prison.
00:34:02.000 Different culture, different world.
00:34:04.000 But as far as like getting in a car and going to find a gay to beat up, especially in Portland of all places,
00:34:14.000 It's not a thing, guys.
00:34:16.000 Sorry.
00:34:17.000 And I think people see the Freedom Riders in the 60s and they see the abuse that black Americans went through and they go, they see Malcolm X and stuff and they go, I kind of want to be that.
00:34:30.000 I want to be oppressed.
00:34:32.000 Which is a weird thing to want to be.
00:34:34.000 I want to be raped.
00:34:35.000 I want to be fag bashed.
00:34:35.000 I want to be beaten.
00:34:37.000 But, you know, they want to be victims.
00:34:39.000 And so they make up these lies.
00:34:40.000 And the truth of the matter is that even the homophobes, they don't really give a shit.
00:34:46.000 Like their attitude is, that's gross.
00:34:49.000 That's the worst it gets.
00:34:52.000 Matthew Shepard was not fag bashed to death.
00:34:55.000 It was a couple of meth dealers who were pissed at him for ripping them off.
00:34:59.000 He was a meth addict and it was a drug deal gone wrong.
00:35:03.000 It wasn't like, let's go get some fags.
00:35:06.000 There's entire gay restaurants.
00:35:09.000 Now, no one is looking to go beat up gays.
00:35:13.000 Sorry, guys.
00:35:15.000 And I think that's what drives a lot of these people nuts is that the war is over.
00:35:21.000 And they're not part of the civil rights movement anymore.
00:35:24.000 Like, the whole trans thing where they focused on bathrooms.
00:35:26.000 Yeah, I don't want my daughter around a drag queen, basically, in the bathroom.
00:35:31.000 But otherwise, we don't really care.
00:35:33.000 I'm sorry.
00:35:35.000 It's not a thing.
00:35:36.000 Like, even at work, if some guy showed up... In fact, I know a guy who works Metro North.
00:35:43.000 On the trains, you know the ticket collectors, such a fucking scam by the way.
00:35:48.000 Sorry public service dudes.
00:35:50.000 Cops, I love you.
00:35:51.000 Firemen, I love you.
00:35:52.000 Ticket collectors, salt of the earth guys, awesome guys.
00:35:55.000 But you're running a fucking scam.
00:35:57.000 Your pensions are insane.
00:35:58.000 Your wages are mental.
00:36:01.000 And the amount of work these ticket collectors do is like two hours a day, three hours a day.
00:36:05.000 And then they go sleep at Grand Central in their own little private hotel rooms with beds and side tables and couches, watch a movie.
00:36:12.000 Go see a movie!
00:36:13.000 You got a six-hour break.
00:36:15.000 Anyway, that's a whole other story.
00:36:17.000 Great book, by the way, about civil service scams and how they're ripping us all off.
00:36:26.000 And I'm sorry, because a lot of my buddies are these people.
00:36:29.000 But it's called Plunder, How Public Employee Unions Are Raiding Treasuries, Controlling Our Lives, and Bankrupting the Nation.
00:36:38.000 Stephen Greenhut.
00:36:39.000 Plunder.
00:36:40.000 Really good book.
00:36:41.000 Hey, all my other favorite books just popped up when I looked that up.
00:36:45.000 The Worm and the Apple by Peter Brimelow, Rats, Observations on the History and Habitat of the City's Most Unwanted Inhabitants, and War Before Civilization, The Myth of the Peaceful Savage, a book about how Indians were not sweethearts when we got here.
00:37:00.000 They had fucking mass graves and were killing each other.
00:37:06.000 Anyway, yeah, I really think the problem here
00:37:09.000 Is that trans people and gay people can't come to terms with the fact that we don't fucking care anymore.
00:37:16.000 Go fuck yourself.
00:37:17.000 Go fuck each other in the ass.
00:37:20.000 I don't give too much of a shit.
00:37:24.000 I mean, we were freaked out about it in the 50s and 60s and 70s.
00:37:24.000 Really?
00:37:28.000 Then 80s was weird and AIDS was weird.
00:37:30.000 And then everyone went, Oh, that's what you do?
00:37:31.000 Okay, bye.
00:37:33.000 Have fun.
00:37:35.000 Sorry, you're not black.
00:37:37.000 Everyone wants to be black.
00:37:38.000 Trans people want to be black.
00:37:40.000 Fat people.
00:37:41.000 Even a lot of upper middle class Jewish people are like, I'm so sick of all the abuse I go through.
00:37:47.000 Sorry, only blacks are black.
00:37:49.000 Or I love new immigrants who come here.
00:37:53.000 And they go, this is so fucked up.
00:37:55.000 This horrible racist shit I have to go through.
00:37:58.000 Uh, sorry.
00:37:59.000 You're Mexican.
00:38:01.000 You don't really have... I'm Asian.
00:38:03.000 I go through a lot of shit.
00:38:03.000 Well, I guess there was the coolies.
00:38:05.000 Actually, there's a good argument.
00:38:06.000 Asians have probably the best argument outside of blacks for genuine victimization when they have these college test scores where they are penalized for getting too good of a score.
00:38:18.000 Too high of a score.
00:38:20.000 Um... What else did I want to talk about?
00:38:25.000 Oh, I think we got to take a chip out of the mailbag.
00:38:28.000 Let's dip into the mailbag, shall we?
00:38:30.000 I wanted to talk about boxing a little bit, but we'll get to that.
00:38:33.000 I'm learning so much.
00:38:34.000 It really is like Japanese.
00:38:36.000 There's layers.
00:38:38.000 And, okay, one thing I did want to say about boxing.
00:38:42.000 You know, you hit the heavy bag and you learn all these combinations and all that stuff.
00:38:46.000 Nothing compares to sparring.
00:38:47.000 Because sparring, you're actually there.
00:38:49.000 And I realize this applies to everything I do.
00:38:51.000 Like, when you see my new show come out on June 1st, you're going to go, this sucks.
00:38:56.000 And yeah, because I'm going to iron out the kinks as I go.
00:38:59.000 Same with Vice Magazine.
00:39:00.000 When we started, we were a 16-page newsprint piece of shit called Voice of Montreal.
00:39:05.000 And rather than hone it until it was a beautiful square bound magazine with tons of advertisers, I'd rather just iron out the kinks midway.
00:39:13.000 And I think that's a great way to do everything.
00:39:16.000 Like to learn a trade, be an apprentice.
00:39:19.000 I guess you got to go to school.
00:39:20.000 I guess they try to rip you off for that.
00:39:22.000 I call bullshit on it.
00:39:23.000 So it's maybe not the best analogy, but there's nothing you learn more than being an actual apprentice.
00:39:23.000 I know you can't avoid it.
00:39:31.000 In a garage.
00:39:32.000 And seeing a pattern.
00:39:33.000 Like seeing, oh shit, 50% of our jobs are alternators.
00:39:38.000 And becoming the alternator guy.
00:39:40.000 Or with internships, you see, oh, they always need help with CD reviews.
00:39:47.000 Not a lot of people want to review CDs.
00:39:50.000 That's a thing I'll do.
00:39:52.000 I'm willing to do a hundred of those to move up the ladder.
00:39:55.000 Don't go to fucking journalism school.
00:39:57.000 Go get a scoop.
00:39:58.000 I got a scoop for you.
00:40:00.000 Gary Coleman's wife murdered him.
00:40:03.000 We just figured that out ourselves a couple days ago.
00:40:05.000 I heard, by the way, somebody referenced in the mailbag at 2 minutes and 20 seconds of Macaulay Culkin's Joe Rogan episode, there's a Coleman-like cringe.
00:40:16.000 Would you like to hear it?
00:40:18.000 Sure.
00:40:19.000 He said it's possibly a child actor thing.
00:40:21.000 A lot of people catch it, but they
00:40:26.000 And that was like mono kind of thing like a lot of people catch it but they like they just have the antibodies for it like and I was a little rundown I was doing a play in London for like 10 months and also like kind of going out at night and things like that so I think it's right before that he actually thanks for the queue up dude
00:40:41.000 He said 2 minutes 20 seconds.
00:40:43.000 To their baby.
00:40:45.000 Believe me, I went to the whole CDC website and everything.
00:40:49.000 And that was like mono kind of thing.
00:40:51.000 A lot of people catch it, but they just have the antibody.
00:40:54.000 What are you doing dude?
00:40:54.000 Maybe that was it?
00:40:56.000 Don't you have headphones?
00:40:57.000 Can you not screen things before you introduce them to tens of thousands of people?
00:41:01.000 No, it would play live.
00:41:03.000 Okay.
00:41:04.000 That was wonderful.
00:41:04.000 Thank you for that.
00:41:06.000 Thanks to Michael Grove.
00:41:07.000 Thanks, Michael Grove.
00:41:09.000 I've noticed this with millennials too.
00:41:10.000 They'll say, this is very important.
00:41:12.000 Then there's a thousand typos and the wrong link.
00:41:17.000 And you go, how important could this fucking be, dickwad?
00:41:21.000 But anyway, the moral of that story, we've got a few morals here.
00:41:24.000 Men are wonderful.
00:41:26.000 A lot of these people talking about how this horrible shithole we live in are full of shit themselves.
00:41:33.000 And third, try it out first.
00:41:38.000 Stop learning about things.
00:41:39.000 I'm against education.
00:41:41.000 Go do it.
00:41:43.000 Go learn it.
00:41:44.000 Go iron out the kinks that way.
00:41:46.000 And before like you take, I know a guy who was a cop for one hour.
00:41:53.000 Now this is probably a terrible example, because you can't try being a cop.
00:41:57.000 But he went through the whole police academy, his dad was a cop, his grandfather was a cop, uncles were cops, coppity cop cop cops.
00:42:04.000 And after going through the police academy, he realized, oh shit, I won't be able to do police work the way my entire family has for generations, because there's all these stupid rules now, and you're being scrutinized by everything you do, and if you fucking fart on the wrong day, you get penalized.
00:42:18.000 And he said, I don't want to do this.
00:42:20.000 So he quit hours into being a cop.
00:42:23.000 Um, that's a stupid analogy because you can't try being a cop, but you get what I'm saying.
00:42:28.000 You may do all this studying, all this journalism degree, all this reading about boxing, all of this preparation that gets you a quarter of a million dollars in debt and then try and go, man, I hate this.
00:42:39.000 I can't tell you how many lawyers I know that went, ah, this is boring.
00:42:43.000 I'd rather be in media.
00:42:44.000 I'd rather be writing articles or something.
00:42:46.000 Tons and tons of dudes like that.
00:42:50.000 So it's like Bill Hicks says about people who die on LSD because they think they can fly.
00:42:56.000 He's like, why don't you try it out on the ground first?
00:43:00.000 He goes, big deal.
00:43:01.000 We lost a moron.
00:43:03.000 Why don't you give it a run for a little bit off the ground?
00:43:06.000 The men in debt, these poor bastards, and I mean, millennials annoy me, but I don't want them to have a quarter million dollars in debt.
00:43:13.000 The men in debt, these poor bastards, getting saddled with is part of the deaths of mass, and part of the fact that they use credit cards and they don't understand.
00:43:19.000 If you're a millennial, you just use cash.
00:43:22.000 Ryan, that goes for you.
00:43:24.000 The first thing you should do when you get your paycheck from me is go to the bank, take it all out in cash, and then when you ride the train, pay cash,
00:43:34.000 When you ride an Uber, pay cash.
00:43:37.000 When you eat meals, don't Uber, don't order it, pay cash.
00:43:41.000 And you will see these 20s flying out of your hand and go, holy shit!
00:43:45.000 I'm spending a hundred bucks a day?
00:43:47.000 That's true.
00:43:49.000 Yeah, I was.
00:43:50.000 I was talking to a guy yesterday who got hit with a $60,000 tax bill, and he's my age.
00:43:58.000 Middle class guy, he's got three kids, and he was talking about how he told the IRS to fuck off, and they suggested a payment plan, and they did a payment plan, and then they started garnishing his tax returns after that.
00:44:10.000 He got like 15 grand back one year, and they immediately took that to go to the 60.
00:44:16.000 And he eventually paid it off in like six years.
00:44:20.000 Maybe more than that.
00:44:21.000 Six years is not true.
00:44:21.000 Sorry, sorry.
00:44:23.000 Many years.
00:44:24.000 He eventually got it manageable in six years.
00:44:26.000 You said $60,000, right?
00:44:28.000 $60,000.
00:44:28.000 Okay, wow.
00:44:29.000 This is a middle class, upper middle class guy.
00:44:31.000 $1.2 million house.
00:44:34.000 Successful dude.
00:44:35.000 Works in finance.
00:44:37.000 $60,000 is a massive burden on this guy with two cars and a life.
00:44:43.000 Right?
00:44:44.000 He's a member of country clubs and goes golfing.
00:44:46.000 $60,000 is a huge blow.
00:44:48.000 So $250,000 on a 20-year-old who makes $12,000 a year at Starbucks, I don't think you realize how totally impossible that is to pay off.
00:45:00.000 You're never going to pay it off, dumbass.
00:45:03.000 Wait, who has $250,000?
00:45:06.000 NYU students.
00:45:07.000 Oh, shit.
00:45:08.000 It's like $60,000 a year now.
00:45:10.000 Plus, they don't work in the summers for some reasons.
00:45:14.000 Some reasons.
00:45:17.000 And they end up with $200,000 to $250,000.
00:45:20.000 Which is just not doable.
00:45:22.000 Lord.
00:45:24.000 Why are you saying that weird?
00:45:26.000 What, Lord?
00:45:26.000 Yeah.
00:45:27.000 Because I'm religious now.
00:45:29.000 No, but you said it weird, dude.
00:45:33.000 Really?
00:45:34.000 Yeah!
00:45:35.000 But it's... I was cracking my back while I said it.
00:45:36.000 No, no, no.
00:45:37.000 Something's going on there.
00:45:39.000 It's sort of like, I talked to comedians who would do child molestation jokes at the porn awards, and I think it was, it wasn't David Tell, but it was someone like that.
00:45:51.000 It was a super tall guy that I was on Red Eye with, and he said, I'm doing jokes, everyone's laughing, everyone's laughing, and then I do a child molestation joke, and the whole place is a morgue.
00:46:00.000 It's a funeral home, because they've all been molested.
00:46:03.000 So they all sort of go, Oh wow, true.
00:46:07.000 And that's how you just said that thing.
00:46:10.000 Lord?
00:46:11.000 You had debt looming over your head.
00:46:11.000 Yeah.
00:46:13.000 Well, you do.
00:46:14.000 And you were like, let's just move on.
00:46:15.000 Oh, I see.
00:46:16.000 I got in there.
00:46:16.000 I see.
00:46:17.000 The Lord had a weird inner sanctum.
00:46:20.000 There was inner.
00:46:21.000 I'll tell you the inner.
00:46:22.000 The inner is that I like hearing about other people's debt because it makes me not feel alone.
00:46:27.000 I always feel like my mistakes are so specific, but it's not true.
00:46:31.000 I got the same mistakes everybody else does.
00:46:33.000 I was feeling really generous the other day.
00:46:35.000 I was trying to work out Ryan's debt.
00:46:37.000 It's got about, well, we'll tell you in a second.
00:46:39.000 Like ten grand?
00:46:40.000 I was like, you know what?
00:46:42.000 I think you're a good kid.
00:46:43.000 You go in places.
00:46:44.000 I'm gonna pay you debt.
00:46:46.000 I see you overspend.
00:46:46.000 Fuck it.
00:46:47.000 You're kind of dumb with groceries and Uber, McDonald's.
00:46:50.000 We're gonna start clean.
00:46:50.000 Fuck it.
00:46:52.000 How much do you owe?
00:46:53.000 He's like, ten, eleven grand.
00:46:55.000 Okay, no.
00:46:55.000 We're not doing that.
00:46:56.000 Fuck that.
00:46:58.000 What, I'm not buying you a car?
00:46:59.000 No, I would be way too uncomfortable with that.
00:47:03.000 I assumed it was like $1,800 or something.
00:47:06.000 No, I was a bad boy.
00:47:09.000 You were a retard.
00:47:11.000 Three years of commuting to the city and eating food and hotel rooms if I needed to crash if I missed my train back.
00:47:19.000 We have advice from the mailbag.
00:47:21.000 I thought I had a good system for getting to our last announced
00:47:27.000 Message but I'm looking at my flag here and uh I use a flagging system where the last I'm boring you with all these details but uh okay you tell me yours and I'll try to figure out what my last one was said.
00:47:40.000 This is Jesper from Australia.
00:47:43.000 Hi I'm 19 and I have been talking recently with my girlfriend of one and a half years about our future children.
00:47:49.000 I agree and always have with your advice that one's for losers, two's for fags and three's a bare minimum.
00:47:55.000 I've expressed a similar sentiment that we should be having four or five.
00:48:00.000 Ensure our legacy continues.
00:48:02.000 She, however, insists that she's having no more than two because it's too expensive.
00:48:07.000 Another BS.
00:48:08.000 Oh, that old trope.
00:48:09.000 What's to be done?
00:48:09.000 Look.
00:48:10.000 It's not a democracy, my friend.
00:48:12.000 Just commenter.
00:48:14.000 Yeah.
00:48:16.000 Women don't want babies because it's a lot harder for them than us.
00:48:19.000 It's actually pretty good for us.
00:48:21.000 They have to have a human grow like alien in their body.
00:48:25.000 But you just gotta like not think about it.
00:48:27.000 I've noticed this with hard labor too.
00:48:29.000 If you're doing a big job, the worst thing you can do is think.
00:48:32.000 Even moving a couch up the stairs where people go, okay, what if we twist it here and then we'll put it up that way and then go around the... Don't think.
00:48:40.000 Just start trying to lift the couch up the stairs.
00:48:43.000 And it's the same with babies.
00:48:45.000 Just start churning them out.
00:48:48.000 All right.
00:48:49.000 Tell me if I've repeated these before, because I don't have a good system for reading letters.
00:48:56.000 This is from Todd Tribbett.
00:48:57.000 Hey, bitch, I may be a male nurse, and that is kind of gay, but nothing is gayer than your 50-year-old bleeding asshole, you stupid, unemployed, chinless fuck.
00:49:07.000 Well, those are all true.
00:49:07.000 Wow.
00:49:09.000 That's the end?
00:49:10.000 You can't.
00:49:10.000 Yeah.
00:49:11.000 Oh, that's a very, that's an insulting email.
00:49:13.000 It's very, uh, uh, self defensive.
00:49:16.000 It's very offensive, but it's all true.
00:49:18.000 You can't argue with that.
00:49:19.000 Um, Raisin Tooth, your anus, you weren't on that meat diet everyone's talking about.
00:49:24.000 Yeah, blah, blah, blah.
00:49:25.000 Oh, this guy, I remember this.
00:49:27.000 He sent me this big long email about how to really do the meat diet and how, you know, you gotta cook 15 pounds of steaks and blah, blah, blah.
00:49:35.000 No thanks.
00:49:37.000 I mean, working out, boxing is already swallowing up a good four hours of my day.
00:49:41.000 I'm not into cooking 150 pounds of steaks.
00:49:44.000 I'm not retired yet.
00:49:45.000 Do any of these sound familiar, by the way?
00:49:49.000 No.
00:49:50.000 Not so far.
00:49:50.000 My memory is AIDS.
00:49:51.000 Benjamin Gurdzin.
00:49:53.000 Mr. McInnes, good afternoon.
00:49:54.000 I'm a veteran of Afghanistan.
00:49:56.000 I served over 10 years in the U.S.
00:49:57.000 Army before my body gave out and Uncle Sam told me to go home.
00:50:00.000 Like most combat veterans, I'm divorced.
00:50:02.000 I'm a family, I'm a stranger, and I have no fucking clue what to do.
00:50:05.000 Shit.
00:50:07.000 You're asking me for advice?
00:50:08.000 Damn.
00:50:09.000 I'm back in school now, a 32-year-old sitting in a classroom with my kids who weren't alive for 9-11.
00:50:12.000 I heard some fuckface.
00:50:15.000 By the way, Benjamin, fuckface is one word.
00:50:19.000 Asked why we make such a big deal about that date anymore.
00:50:21.000 Yeah, why make such a big deal about 9-11?
00:50:24.000 God, big deal.
00:50:26.000 Oh, a bunch of buildings fell.
00:50:30.000 In order to obtain a degree, I had to take a social justice class.
00:50:33.000 The cocksucker, again, Benjamin one word, gave me a failing grade on a presentation for saying gay ass scooters at one point.
00:50:42.000 Jesus wept.
00:50:43.000 All right, sir.
00:50:44.000 The whole point of this is to thank you for fighting back.
00:50:45.000 Keep fighting back.
00:50:46.000 Don't make our sacrifices in vain.
00:50:47.000 Listen to your podcast, blah, blah, blah.
00:50:49.000 A little common sense mixed in with comedy.
00:50:52.000 I love you.
00:50:52.000 Blah, blah, blah.
00:50:54.000 Benjamin, appreciate it.
00:50:55.000 I don't have good advice.
00:50:56.000 I think...
00:50:58.000 You should not go to school if you can't be honest.
00:51:04.000 Ben Shapiro says, what you gotta do is go to school and become a social justice lawyer on your tests and then get rich, make money.
00:51:15.000 That's a terrible Ben Shapiro, but whatever.
00:51:16.000 You have to become a social justice warrior.
00:51:18.000 That's so much better, yeah.
00:51:21.000 Or actually, you have to become a... You have to become a social justice warrior.
00:51:26.000 And then you make money, and you graduate, and then you punish them.
00:51:31.000 Because you're more successful and you trick them.
00:51:33.000 I don't agree with Ben on that.
00:51:34.000 I say, if you're taking a course that's so fucking stupid that you have to pretend that trans women are women, then why are you taking that course?
00:51:44.000 I understand you gotta go to a police academy, I understand you have to take a bunch of computer courses to become a mechanic, but you don't need that fucking degree where you can't say what you mean and make good arguments.
00:51:56.000 However, Benjamin, this is kinda gonna blow your mind.
00:52:00.000 You were right to get a failing grade for gay-ass scooters.
00:52:03.000 It's a presentation.
00:52:04.000 You can't swear, and gay-ass is a swear word.
00:52:08.000 You can't swear in a presentation.
00:52:10.000 So they didn't really punish you for not being a social justice warrior, they punished you for saying gay-ass in a presentation.
00:52:18.000 I'm on their side on that one particular one, and thank you for your service.
00:52:21.000 Do you think that there's a classy way to be defiant?
00:52:26.000 You know?
00:52:27.000 No, you say remarkably effeminate scooters.
00:52:30.000 Or the cripplingly masculine, you say the remarkably beta.
00:52:30.000 Right.
00:52:42.000 There's a million ways to say it.
00:52:44.000 Without lacking masculinity to a fault.
00:52:47.000 No, thank you.
00:52:48.000 Alright.
00:52:49.000 And also, it gives us a bad name.
00:52:51.000 You know, the non-SJWs.
00:52:53.000 Because you're like, oh, look at that crass bastard.
00:52:55.000 Yeah.
00:52:56.000 Cussin'.
00:52:57.000 Well, I don't know about that.
00:52:58.000 Alright.
00:52:59.000 I got this thing here.
00:52:59.000 Alright, what do you got?
00:53:00.000 It's a challenge.
00:53:01.000 Ooh, a challenge.
00:53:02.000 Fight me, Jap-reakin'.
00:53:03.000 Oh, God.
00:53:04.000 Hi Ryan, every main event needs an undercard.
00:53:07.000 Since Gavin and Copper Cab are fighting, it would be fitting to get in the ring yourself.
00:53:12.000 Don't just sit on the sidelines in all caps.
00:53:15.000 I live out in Arlington, thought it would be fun to fight.
00:53:17.000 Willing to travel wherever the event is and come kick your ass.
00:53:20.000 Why does he want to fight you?
00:53:21.000 As a friend.
00:53:22.000 Okay, new rule.
00:53:23.000 Copper Cab's, actually this might include Copper Cab, who I will be fighting very soon.
00:53:28.000 Um, it's gay to say, I want to fight you.
00:53:32.000 Well.
00:53:32.000 Like, you want to physically touch someone.
00:53:35.000 Now, I'm not saying boxing is gay.
00:53:36.000 That's different.
00:53:37.000 But to hear about someone and go, hey man, I want to have a fight with you.
00:53:41.000 And not know him, like not know if he boxes, not know what his weight class is, any of that shit.
00:53:47.000 It's homosexual.
00:53:48.000 I'm just going to say it.
00:53:50.000 I don't care that you broke your elbow.
00:53:51.000 It's that gay.
00:53:52.000 But you know what I mean?
00:53:53.000 I'm not saying boxing's gay, obviously.
00:53:55.000 But I'm saying... It's you want a piece of me.
00:53:57.000 Because I get this all the time.
00:53:58.000 In fact, that Christopher Piccolino dude, who does that show on CNN, like Surviving Hate, he's asked me to fight him like 50 times.
00:54:05.000 The ex-Nazi?
00:54:07.000 Yes.
00:54:08.000 I get that all the time.
00:54:09.000 I probably have a hundred dudes who are like, alright, I want to arrange a fight with you.
00:54:14.000 In the ring.
00:54:14.000 Money goes to charity.
00:54:17.000 Why does that occur to you?
00:54:18.000 I'm not known as a boxer.
00:54:20.000 I'm a media guy.
00:54:21.000 Hey, uh, the guy who does Calvin and Hobbes?
00:54:23.000 I hated that last cartoon.
00:54:24.000 I wanna meet you in the ring.
00:54:26.000 Proud Boys do that to me all the time, too.
00:54:28.000 Yeah.
00:54:28.000 I'll say, dudes, you gotta shut up with that shit.
00:54:30.000 That's fucking annoying.
00:54:31.000 Oh yeah?
00:54:31.000 I wanna fight you.
00:54:32.000 I'll meet you at this time.
00:54:34.000 All the fucking time.
00:54:35.000 Isn't it kind of like traditional to say, do you want a piece of me?
00:54:38.000 It literally is somebody wanting a piece of you.
00:54:41.000 Gay.
00:54:43.000 He says, he finishes with, like you, I'm short 5'9".
00:54:46.000 0% of my jokes are funny and I enjoy good whiskey.
00:54:49.000 Yeah, fuck off.
00:54:49.000 He said, let me know, but he left his number.
00:54:51.000 Can I call him right now?
00:54:52.000 Okay.
00:54:53.000 This should be fun.
00:54:55.000 I'll read this in the meantime.
00:54:56.000 Oh wait, no, let's read it.
00:54:58.000 Also put some mustard on your sack and wear your suit out.
00:55:02.000 You don't need to go to court to wear a suit.
00:55:03.000 Have some fucking class.
00:55:05.000 What?
00:55:05.000 Benny Hizzle, love the show.
00:55:07.000 Tell Gavin he kills it.
00:55:11.000 Three ringin' dingies.
00:55:13.000 One more ring and you're out.
00:55:15.000 No, no, keep going.
00:55:16.000 Alright.
00:55:17.000 Leave a message with him.
00:55:18.000 Tell him you're gonna kill him.
00:55:21.000 Tell him you're gonna fuck him up.
00:55:30.000 Hey bitch, you wanna fucking fight me?
00:55:36.000 Sending me little cute emails?
00:55:38.000 It's not a fucking joke.
00:55:40.000 I sound goofy on the podcast and shit?
00:55:42.000 Don't fucking email me with that fucking shit.
00:55:45.000 Yeah, come up here, dude.
00:55:46.000 I fucking dare you.
00:55:47.000 I fucking dare you.
00:55:48.000 Come up here.
00:55:49.000 You're dead!
00:55:53.000 Thanks for the email and toodaloo.
00:55:53.000 I'm just kidding.
00:55:55.000 Aw, don't say just kidding.
00:55:57.000 That's a sin.
00:55:58.000 What would you do?
00:55:58.000 No, that could just be you have a gay guy over at the house.
00:56:00.000 Oh, good point.
00:56:05.000 Philip Daggett, which experienced no unfortunate rhymes when he was in grade school.
00:56:12.000 He just breezed through old Daggett.
00:56:14.000 What could it be?
00:56:15.000 Saggett?
00:56:16.000 No one rhymed anything with old Philip Daggett.
00:56:20.000 Hey Gavin, I heard you say what has happened to all the men on the Friday podcast.
00:56:23.000 This guy's obviously been toughened up by grade school.
00:56:26.000 I think it has to be said that real men are over.
00:56:28.000 I heard Jim Goad say the same.
00:56:30.000 The days of our fathers and grandfathers are long gone.
00:56:33.000 They're never coming back.
00:56:34.000 The only thing I can do is be the best man I can possibly be and maybe set a good example for others.
00:56:39.000 I don't know when or how we lost the regions of true manhood, the reigns of true manhood, but society will forever be tarnished, grey, and damaged without the true man
00:56:48.000 I guess we must soldier on.
00:56:50.000 Damn.
00:56:51.000 I don't know.
00:56:52.000 Pretty heavy.
00:56:53.000 You gotta get out there.
00:56:55.000 Sometimes, you know, when you're bourgeois, and you're at your stupid work, like WeWork thing, and then you go and get margaritas with the guys on the Upper West Side, after maybe you don't meet these dudes.
00:57:11.000 There's real men, there's still a working class in America.
00:57:15.000 There's still tough guys.
00:57:17.000 There's still good jokes.
00:57:19.000 There's all of South Brooklyn.
00:57:20.000 Fuck off.
00:57:23.000 I got so many anal tips.
00:57:24.000 I got more tips in my ass than a fucking passed out gay guy at a party.
00:57:38.000 Thanks.
00:57:39.000 James Richards.
00:57:40.000 Gavin, I thought I was alone with my problem of wiping my ass.
00:57:42.000 Blah, blah, blah.
00:57:44.000 Getting it fully clean is a pipe dream.
00:57:45.000 I've asked other people.
00:57:47.000 Like, I'm a straight 23 year old.
00:57:48.000 Dude, I'm 48.
00:57:50.000 Okay?
00:57:51.000 I've had an anus for 48 years.
00:57:53.000 I've been handling it myself for about 46.
00:57:56.000 I'm not looking for tips.
00:58:00.000 Stop sending me anal tips.
00:58:02.000 There's a lot of those of mine too.
00:58:05.000 I've got a biffy from biffy.com.
00:58:08.000 I've been around the fucking anal block.
00:58:11.000 Dude, you sound just like Steven Brody Stevens.
00:58:13.000 I have a biffy from biffy.com.
00:58:16.000 I know things.
00:58:18.000 I'm staying positive.
00:58:21.000 Jimmy Fandrix, probably not his real name.
00:58:24.000 Hey Gav, I binged a few of the Gmail podcast.
00:58:29.000 I've noticed you called your wife my mom at least three times.
00:58:32.000 We've known for a long time that you're a fag.
00:58:34.000 I've heard you say you have small shoulders.
00:58:37.000 I thought you looked pretty normal except for the ugly face.
00:58:41.000 However, I later realized it's all in the clothes and the posture.
00:58:44.000 And then he shows me a clip of myself on John Rogan where I don't look great.
00:58:48.000 John Rogan?
00:58:49.000 John Rogan, Joe Rogan's brother, does the show.
00:58:53.000 It's sort of like on American Pickers where the mean guy got busy and he has his brother do it.
00:58:59.000 Does this look like a grown man to you or a 12-year-old girl?
00:59:02.000 Don't fucking stoop, you nerd.
00:59:04.000 You're making it worse.
00:59:05.000 Alright, that's a very abusive email.
00:59:07.000 You invite all this because you talk that way and then people think they're like, I'm speaking his lingo.
00:59:13.000 That doesn't mean it doesn't hurt.
00:59:15.000 That's a good point.
00:59:16.000 It still burns.
00:59:18.000 I got a gay one here when you're ready.
00:59:20.000 Okay, let me do this one.
00:59:21.000 Joe Thierry.
00:59:23.000 Hey, Gavin, come exile to Switzerland.
00:59:26.000 I know I'm doing a French accent.
00:59:27.000 They speak French in Switzerland, asshole.
00:59:30.000 I give you diplomatic immunity and all sorts of United Nations perks to expose the world and get you safe.
00:59:38.000 Let's have a call.
00:59:40.000 And then he sends me his fucking, like, I don't know, European Skype.
00:59:45.000 Fuck you.
00:59:49.000 Gavin, I just want you to know, the guy you call Brad is Chad.
00:59:52.000 Now, I said, when I was talking about the Covington boys, I said, they don't just hate white males.
00:59:58.000 It's a very particular type of white male.
01:00:00.000 They don't hate plumbers.
01:00:01.000 They don't hate, you know, country singers.
01:00:05.000 They don't hate Chris Hayes.
01:00:07.000 They hate a certain type of guy, and I called him Brad.
01:00:10.000 And this other guy says, no, you're talking about Chad.
01:00:12.000 No, different guy.
01:00:14.000 Chad is a different thing, dude.
01:00:15.000 I'm familiar with fucking memes, thank you.
01:00:17.000 Chad is a blue collar, Brad is like a successful collegiate type.
01:00:21.000 No, Chad is not blue collar.
01:00:23.000 No?
01:00:24.000 No.
01:00:25.000 You're not familiar with memes apparently.
01:00:26.000 He's like middle class though.
01:00:27.000 Yeah, Chad is a little more buff than my brat.
01:00:31.000 Yeah, Chad is like rough around the edges.
01:00:33.000 Chad brawls.
01:00:34.000 The Covington High School boy wasn't a brawler.
01:00:37.000 Exactly.
01:00:37.000 I'm an autistic zoomer, so I clearly am right, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
01:00:42.000 He sends me a bunch of memes and whatever.
01:00:44.000 I get it.
01:00:45.000 Zoomer?
01:00:48.000 Yeah, Zoomer.
01:00:49.000 I guess it's like the new millennials.
01:00:50.000 They're called Zoomers now.
01:00:53.000 Generation Z. All right, do you have one?
01:00:55.000 Yep.
01:00:55.000 All right.
01:00:56.000 Gayest phrase I've ever heard.
01:00:57.000 This is along the lines of the, I like your sunglasses.
01:01:00.000 I've read this one already, so I think it's pretty good.
01:01:02.000 In the Canadian city, I live here.
01:01:04.000 There's a cathedral right by my apartment.
01:01:08.000 Um came from a lunch meeting there was a couple my age walking by the cathedral millennial white you could tell the dude hasn't fucked her yet by his demeanor so the gal says walking by the cathedral what a beautiful church the dude responds with the androgynous tone yeah it is but there's also a beautiful mosque by here too
01:01:27.000 The gal doesn't even respond, keeps walking with him, doesn't even look at him.
01:01:31.000 He said, I lived there 12 years and the nearest mosque was pushed out downtown because a bunch of the kids under that imam went to Syria to fight for ISIS.
01:01:40.000 Coincidentally, Vice did a story on it before they were full cucked.
01:01:43.000 I thought you'd appreciate this example of pure faggotry.
01:01:46.000 Nothing to do with sexuality.
01:01:48.000 Just hate when dudes act like fags.
01:01:50.000 Yeah, and you know,
01:01:51.000 That's also a good example of women don't necessarily want to fuck these men that they create.
01:01:58.000 It's like in Rocky Horror Picture Show, uh oh, my wife's texting me.
01:02:03.000 I think I might have to take my son to a baseball game.
01:02:05.000 Hold on a sec here, this is very important.
01:02:09.000 Okay, still working, if you can call this work.
01:02:15.000 Women don't want, it's like in Rocky Horror Picture Show, where he goes, I've been making a man with blonde hair and a tan, and he's good for a little of my attention.
01:02:27.000 Dr. Frankenfurter wanted to make Rocky for his sexual escapades, because he's a fag from outer space.
01:02:36.000 Women, the allies they're making, they don't want to fuck that guy.
01:02:41.000 They've kind of painted themselves into a corner.
01:02:43.000 They fucked up.
01:02:46.000 Ew, though.
01:02:46.000 Yeah, there's also a mosque around here, too.
01:02:49.000 Nobody was talking about that.
01:02:50.000 Yeah, what a dumb thing to say.
01:02:52.000 And what a way to pussify yourself and to preach to her.
01:02:57.000 Like, you can't even say a church is nice anymore?
01:02:59.000 That's the equivalent of being like, oh, look at that.
01:03:01.000 It looks like a delicious burger joint.
01:03:03.000 Yeah, there's also a vegan restaurant around here, too.
01:03:05.000 If a church isn't a marvel of architecture, what is?
01:03:09.000 Who disagrees with that?
01:03:10.000 All the stained glass and everything?
01:03:12.000 Half the time I'm in church, I'm just looking at the church and thinking about the guys who built it and going, Jesus, this thing's amazing.
01:03:21.000 Okay.
01:03:23.000 This is some guy named Greg Johnson.
01:03:24.000 He goes, what's up Gavin?
01:03:26.000 I just listened to your most recent podcast and I think I have a better system for you to judge attractiveness.
01:03:31.000 Forget the one to 10.
01:03:33.000 The late, great Patrice O'Neill had a system 1 to 30.
01:03:35.000 I think it works beautifully.
01:03:38.000 The way it works, 1 to 10 is ugly.
01:03:40.000 21 to 30 is attractive.
01:03:43.000 I emailed this guy back, I go, hey dumbass, it's called decimal points.
01:03:48.000 1 to 10, when you have decimal points like 7.2, is now 1 to 100.
01:03:54.000 There's 100 options.
01:03:57.000 And I could easily make it 1,000 by going, she's a 7.23, which I often do.
01:04:03.000 So once again, Greg, your letter is a great example of millennial-splaining, where these children, like you, talk to someone who's half a century old,
01:04:15.000 And go, hey man, decimal places are cool.
01:04:18.000 Try 1 to 30.
01:04:19.000 I'm way smarter than Patrice O'Neill.
01:04:21.000 I'm not as funny.
01:04:22.000 I'm not as creative.
01:04:25.000 But I'm familiar with numbers.
01:04:28.000 And 1 to 10 with two decimal places leaves a variance of a thousand options.
01:04:34.000 So we'll be using that from now on.
01:04:35.000 Thank you very much, children.
01:04:38.000 Michael Lemons.
01:04:40.000 Just catching up on your podcast today.
01:04:41.000 I heard your familiar lament about people reaching out to you for interviews.
01:04:44.000 And it dawned on me that you currently earn your living from the very system, podcasting, YouTube, the internet in general, that you complain about.
01:04:51.000 Access to celebrities like yourself is part of the reason people pay attention to what you say.
01:04:56.000 And stoicism is about as masculine a trait as you could want.
01:04:59.000 Fuck off, Michael Lemons!
01:05:03.000 What do you got?
01:05:04.000 I got...
01:05:06.000 There's a clickbait subject that says, Ryan is valuable.
01:05:10.000 And then the content says, nothing to do with my valuableness.
01:05:14.000 It says, would love to hear Gavin go through all of his past business ventures and discuss all the people you've worked with, like Nas.
01:05:22.000 That sounds like a whole different episode there.
01:05:24.000 That's so boring.
01:05:25.000 Really?
01:05:26.000 That sounds fun.
01:05:27.000 Wait, I wasn't listening.
01:05:28.000 What are you saying?
01:05:30.000 He said, I'd love to hear all your past business ventures.
01:05:32.000 Yeah, that's what I thought he said.
01:05:33.000 Yeah, that's boring.
01:05:34.000 Oh, OK.
01:05:35.000 Um, some chick named Emily Morton said, I'm going to be in, I'm from Nebraska.
01:05:40.000 I'm going to be in visiting New York City.
01:05:42.000 Let's, after I graduate from college, let's meet.
01:05:44.000 I'm like, geez, what are you going to do with that?
01:05:47.000 So of course I Google her.
01:05:50.000 She doesn't exist on the internet, which is suspicious, unless she spells her name wrong.
01:05:55.000 Look, I'm never gonna cheat on my wife, obviously, and why would I meet a young girl to be a friend?
01:06:00.000 Could we have less in common?
01:06:03.000 But I'm always suspicious of these girls, these flirtatious young girls, as con jobs, trying to get me to do something stupid.
01:06:11.000 Alex Jones told me he gets these texts where they say,
01:06:14.000 Hey, I had such a great time on our beach vacation in Hawaii.
01:06:18.000 I can't wait to go again.
01:06:20.000 Hoping that his wife will see it and get pissed off.
01:06:22.000 And he's never heard of this woman before.
01:06:24.000 And I, there was a while there, like two years ago, maybe three years, two and a half years ago, I was getting nudes from hot chicks.
01:06:33.000 I don't get nudes from hot chicks, but all of a sudden I started getting nudes from hot chicks just out of the blue.
01:06:39.000 And one of them looked particularly young, and I said, please send your driver's license.
01:06:43.000 And deleted them, because I thought that might be a scam where they have a 14-year-old send you a nude, and now you have child porn on your fucking phone.
01:06:51.000 But I'm always suspicious of any girl flirting with Wilford Brimley with cancer, uh, me, um, that it's a scam.
01:07:00.000 That, you know, the SPLC, whatever, is set up to make me take the bait.
01:07:04.000 Sorry, Chris fucking what's-his-name from that show where they say they were just coming to talk.
01:07:10.000 What's it?
01:07:11.000 What's?
01:07:11.000 I'm drawing a blank here.
01:07:13.000 What's that show where they want to fuck girls?
01:07:15.000 Little kids?
01:07:16.000 Uh, oh, uh, oh.
01:07:18.000 Chris.
01:07:19.000 Me and my girlfriend watch that.
01:07:20.000 To Catch a Predator.
01:07:21.000 To Catch a Predator.
01:07:22.000 Yeah.
01:07:22.000 I have a favorite guy.
01:07:23.000 I have a favorite predator.
01:07:25.000 Oh yeah?
01:07:25.000 Yeah.
01:07:26.000 His name is Jerry.
01:07:26.000 He brought wine coolers and condoms and he just wanted to hang out.
01:07:29.000 He just wanted to talk.
01:07:31.000 This guy's name's Jerry, and he's just a deer in the headlights like a townie.
01:07:35.000 And he looks like my friend Joey, but like old.
01:07:37.000 Wouldn't it be cool if one of them just said, I was talking to this girl online.
01:07:41.000 She's 14.
01:07:41.000 She said she comes from anal sex.
01:07:43.000 I thought, that's pretty weird.
01:07:44.000 It's very unusual.
01:07:45.000 I thought, I really want to fuck this chick.
01:07:47.000 Yeah, no, one of them did.
01:07:48.000 He's like, listen, I'm fucked up, man.
01:07:50.000 I like this a lot.
01:07:51.000 I'm actually glad that you caught me.
01:07:53.000 I have a problem.
01:07:54.000 I'm just super horny.
01:07:56.000 And you think that that's going to help you, dude?
01:07:58.000 Yeah, I know.
01:07:59.000 Boy, we get a lot of mail.
01:08:01.000 Yep.
01:08:02.000 We should probably wrap it up soon.
01:08:03.000 How long have we been talking for?
01:08:04.000 Total, total, total, total.
01:08:06.000 Like 108 or something?
01:08:08.000 Okay, we can do a bunch more.
01:08:10.000 Yeah.
01:08:10.000 Jenny Del Toro.
01:08:12.000 Another lady who calls our we saw it we can see our demographics online It's like 15 to 20 percent female and our letters are maybe 60 to 70 percent female No, I'd say maybe lower Why don't we try the female bag?
01:08:28.000 That's a funnier name.
01:08:29.000 Yeah in the subject female bag, you know, I guess you know woman who squirt I guess the fluid is kept in the female bag and
01:08:37.000 Anthony Cumia brought up a great point about women squirting.
01:08:39.000 He goes, where's this fluid kept?
01:08:41.000 What's this weird little sack?
01:08:43.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.
01:08:44.000 This little new change purse that's full of magical woman lube.
01:08:48.000 He goes, it's clearly piss.
01:08:50.000 They say it's the skein's gland.
01:08:52.000 Oh, yeah, the skein's gland.
01:08:56.000 It's piss.
01:08:56.000 Do we have a skein's gland?
01:08:58.000 Uh-uh.
01:08:59.000 Jenny, I think you would be able to sway a lot of liberals in Texas.
01:09:03.000 Come on down.
01:09:04.000 Let's do an event.
01:09:04.000 No, thank you.
01:09:07.000 A disturbing little Swedish Chucky lookalike wants to save... Oh, that's that chick who got a Nobel Peace Prize nomination.
01:09:16.000 Greta Thunberg for saying, you're not mature enough.
01:09:19.000 That's how far back we're going.
01:09:21.000 Timmy Tony!
01:09:23.000 I was grabbing a pizza when I overheard some young guys discussing the specific flavor notes of a craft beer.
01:09:30.000 They were taking swigs and chatting about malt extract and hop content.
01:09:35.000 Oh, you poor bastard.
01:09:37.000 Gav, what are your thoughts on craft beer and craft beer enthusiasts?
01:09:40.000 I think the best thing about craft beer is when you see someone drinking it, they have a weapon in their hand that you can kill them with.
01:09:48.000 So you take the pumpkin ale, you smash the bottle on the bar, and then you jam it into their neck.
01:09:54.000 And they're dead so it's sort of like um, you know a rapist carrying around a knife The only thing is when you drink their blood there's gonna be a little bit of that faggy beer in there coursing through their veins That's a great point.
01:10:05.000 That's the only bad thing About craft beers that you can taste it when you murder them and drink their blood so what I do in a ritualistic ceremony I found that you just take their next of kin and you just drink their blood.
01:10:17.000 Oh, that's handy Yeah
01:10:18.000 Yeah, folks at home, I don't know if you've ever read the front of a Budweiser.
01:10:22.000 It's very clear.
01:10:23.000 The king.
01:10:26.000 The king of beers.
01:10:30.000 How clear do they have to make this?
01:10:33.000 And we just bought an 18-pack today.
01:10:36.000 What did it run you?
01:10:37.000 I don't know, but it's almost gone.
01:10:41.000 I just know the sound of it makes when it takes a minute.
01:10:43.000 No, it's like 17 bucks.
01:10:44.000 Budweiser is the same price that I paid for when I was a teenager in the 80s.
01:10:50.000 And I was watching some movie about mobsters in the early 20s, I think it was.
01:10:55.000 And as they're showing, like, this is old Wally Malone in the Upper West Side, 1920.
01:11:04.000 I can see behind some of the dirt-faced kids in Red Hook, it was.
01:11:08.000 Red Hook.
01:11:08.000 Red Hook used to be where all the mafia was.
01:11:11.000 Budweiser, it's an integral part of our fucking history.
01:11:15.000 Johnny Peace, Gavin, ever since the podcast where you guys talked about this, I've continually had to stop myself from saying, excuse me, excuse me, to my wife, who's not part of your audience, new topic.
01:11:27.000 Excuse me, excuse me.
01:11:28.000 I noticed my wife, by the way, gets really fucking mad when I do the doctor from 600 Pound Life.
01:11:33.000 So why don't you lose weight?
01:11:35.000 You know what I noticed too?
01:11:37.000 Our guy, our SisUseMe guy, he's more interrogative.
01:11:41.000 He's like, hey, will you paint Candy Crush?
01:11:44.000 Why don't you use the blue raspberries at the top?
01:11:47.000 But I watched 600lb Life with a different ear recently, and he has a different tonation.
01:11:53.000 He goes... Affirmative.
01:11:54.000 Things are going very good for Walter.
01:11:56.000 He lost over 120 pounds and he is going to be moving forward with the plan to get his gastric bypass surgery.
01:12:11.000 He's very like, doodly-doot-a-doo, doodly-doot-a-doo.
01:12:13.000 Doodly-doot-a-bueller.
01:12:16.000 Yeah, yeah.
01:12:18.000 I just forwarded you one.
01:12:20.000 I'm a female, by the way.
01:12:22.000 What did you forward me?
01:12:23.000 A female mailbag.
01:12:25.000 Female bag.
01:12:26.000 I was on a mission, this is the same guy, Johnny Peace.
01:12:28.000 I was on a mission trip in Guatemala back in 2013 when I got some awful diarrheal, diarrheal, he adds L to diarrhea, diarrheal plague that lasted for several days.
01:12:38.000 The B-hole never fully recovered.
01:12:41.000 I don't care.
01:12:42.000 More butthole?
01:12:44.000 A Stranger's Butthole.
01:12:46.000 I just read one and it's a butthole one.
01:12:49.000 That should be the name of like a classical music album with no vocals.
01:12:53.000 It's just called A Stranger's Butthole.
01:12:59.000 This other kid is like, hey buddy of mine introduced you to your podcast.
01:13:03.000 I'm 18 years old and he has problems too with his asshole.
01:13:07.000 Oh great.
01:13:09.000 So this is like, this is who you are to strangers.
01:13:12.000 I'm the asshole guy.
01:13:14.000 We should start a new podcast called the Butthole Report.
01:13:17.000 Everything But.
01:13:19.000 That's a great name.
01:13:21.000 Everything But.
01:13:23.000 All right, Nora Fogarty.
01:13:24.000 Hi, I'm an annoying millennial who attends a state university in New Jersey, watching videos, blah, blah, blah.
01:13:30.000 Pretty annoying on Twitter, blah, blah, blah.
01:13:32.000 She put it on my list of all my favorite quotes, blah, blah, blah.
01:13:35.000 I went into child advocacy hoping to take down online sex trafficking rings and shit.
01:13:42.000 Okay, that's a noble pursuit, but I pretty much have learned about gender identity, all 75 genders, blah blah blah for my time here.
01:13:49.000 However, be proud of me, last semester I debunked the wage gap to my professor who helps run the Women's March.
01:13:55.000 The only thing that gets me through the week is binging on your videos.
01:13:59.000 Spelled wrong.
01:14:00.000 Okay, that's nice.
01:14:01.000 I'd like to meet you.
01:14:02.000 Again, from Nora.
01:14:03.000 Ladies, send nudes if you want to meet for beers.
01:14:06.000 I'm still not going to meet you, but at least I'll have some nudes.
01:14:10.000 Wait, I parsed through this butthole one?
01:14:12.000 Because I'm like, 18, what could your problems be if you're 18?
01:14:14.000 Yeah, an 18-year-old butthole?
01:14:17.000 Isn't that what these gays lust after?
01:14:20.000 Yeah.
01:14:20.000 It just cuts turds perfectly, is that your problem?
01:14:23.000 It says, I can't describe to you how many pairs of workout shorts I've gone through due to sweat-leaking poopy substances.
01:14:29.000 I've gone to extreme measures like drowning my anal lips in talcum powder or scorch it with streams of hot water in the shower in a hope to clean it dry.
01:14:39.000 We're turning into the Butthole Report.
01:14:42.000 We now ban all butt talk.
01:14:42.000 That's the last butt email
01:14:58.000 We will be ever receiving, ever reading on the air.
01:15:01.000 We're done.
01:15:02.000 The butthole report with Pat Dixon.
01:15:03.000 The butthole report is over.
01:15:05.000 In today's butthole report, there's buttholes.
01:15:11.000 No one knows who Pat Dixon is, but that's a friend of ours and that was funny.
01:15:17.000 Looking forward to your new show.
01:15:18.000 Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
01:15:20.000 Videos are hard to find.
01:15:21.000 Fuck off.
01:15:23.000 Nathaniel Ellis.
01:15:24.000 This one looks way too long.
01:15:27.000 To start, I want to thank you for the great content you've been putting out.
01:15:29.000 I noticed this today listening to Stern.
01:15:31.000 People need to just dive into the thing.
01:15:33.000 Like, this is what I like about New York.
01:15:36.000 If there's a homeless person in any other city, they go, hey, can I talk to you for a second, please?
01:15:42.000 So what happened was my bus was supposed to be here two hours ago, but then it was late.
01:15:47.000 And then I went out to the bathroom and I missed it and they took away my ticket.
01:15:51.000 So what I need is 60 bucks to get to Chicago.
01:15:53.000 Now I got 48.
01:15:54.000 So I just and you go, just shut up.
01:15:58.000 And the beauty of New York bumps is they go, can I get, can I get a buck?
01:16:01.000 And you go, nope.
01:16:02.000 Or when you ask directions, um, if you go up to a New Yorker and you say, Hey, can I talk to you?
01:16:08.000 I'm trying to, and then they just go, fuck off.
01:16:11.000 But if you just go, if you just go, where's 36th street?
01:16:16.000 Or sometimes you just go, where's North?
01:16:18.000 And they just point and then keep walking.
01:16:20.000 Like, they get right into the mix.
01:16:21.000 If it's a dude, they'll sound like your dad too, like, not that I know.
01:16:25.000 Not that I'm a dad.
01:16:26.000 He doesn't got time for, he's like, you go down there, you're gonna go down, you listen to me?
01:16:29.000 You go down there, take a left, do that, all right?
01:16:31.000 You good?
01:16:32.000 And you're like, yeah, I'm good.
01:16:33.000 All right, bye.
01:16:34.000 Don't waste my time.
01:16:34.000 Yeah.
01:16:35.000 But they're kind of nice about it.
01:16:37.000 In a shitty way.
01:16:39.000 Ain't nobody got time for that.
01:16:42.000 And I've noticed when I ask directions, yeah, you gotta keep it short and sweet.
01:16:46.000 And when they get on Howard Stern, or anything, they'll go, Hi, thanks for taking my call.
01:16:52.000 I really appreciate it.
01:16:52.000 I was on hold for a little while there.
01:16:54.000 I'm a long time listener.
01:16:55.000 First time call, well, second time call, I don't know if you remember me.
01:16:57.000 I was on last year, I was talking about leaves.
01:17:01.000 At any rate, my question is in two parts.
01:17:05.000 First, fuck, shut up!
01:17:08.000 Or when they do like a Ben Shapiro, he's the subtext of this whole show, they'll say,
01:17:14.000 Hi, thanks for coming out tonight.
01:17:16.000 First of all, my question, well, it's initially in two parts, but there's an A and B to it.
01:17:20.000 Like, don't talk about your question.
01:17:23.000 Just say, are there rats in China?
01:17:26.000 Yes.
01:17:27.000 You know what?
01:17:27.000 It reminds me of the self-qualifying that like, I am a straight white male.
01:17:32.000 Before I say anything, it's like self-qualifying.
01:17:34.000 Leave it out.
01:17:35.000 You know, the two calls that I've had, I called Anthony Cumia into his show.
01:17:39.000 He doesn't call, he doesn't talk to callers for longer than two minutes.
01:17:42.000 And me and him had like a 10 minute thing.
01:17:44.000 On impressions or whatever.
01:17:45.000 And then I called him to Jim Norton's advice show, actually, and I did a Bill Burr impression that blew him away.
01:17:50.000 There was no qualifying, alright guys?
01:17:52.000 So you go out there- Wow, way to toot your own horn while we're talking about a totally unrelated subject.
01:17:57.000 Yeah, I'm cool.
01:17:59.000 Dude, this guy actually did something pretty cool.
01:18:01.000 Ty, uh, isolated- he says, uh, Gavin's incessant snorting in the recent podcast was gross.
01:18:08.000 Uh, here's audio.
01:18:14.000 It's a minute long.
01:18:16.000 Really?
01:18:16.000 Yeah!
01:18:23.000 Excuse me, that's disgusting.
01:18:24.000 And...
01:18:40.000 Okay.
01:18:41.000 Yeah, it's very weird, yeah.
01:18:43.000 It was a lie.
01:18:44.000 It would be love.
01:18:50.000 Maybe you say it like a guard?
01:18:51.000 You mean that?
01:18:56.000 Frick.
01:18:59.000 Yeah.
01:18:59.000 Wow.
01:19:02.000 I think it's the gross.
01:19:04.000 You think it's the gross?
01:19:05.000 I think it's the gross.
01:19:08.000 I've noticed we have this very insulting mailbag, and the disturbing part is they're all very accurate.
01:19:14.000 Yeah, I'm crying.
01:19:15.000 They're not like, you're a fag, although we've had plenty of those.
01:19:17.000 I like the off-mic sneeze, just like thrown in there.
01:19:22.000 All right, you got me, I apologize.
01:19:26.000 I don't know how to fix that exactly, but whatever.
01:19:29.000 To start, this is from Nathaniel Ellis, Sergeant in the Army.
01:19:32.000 I want to thank you for the great content, blah blah blah.
01:19:34.000 Oh, now I feel bad I shat on a sergeant.
01:19:36.000 Um, blahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblah
01:20:06.000 In time for the Sunday evening service, I had a young man who was about my age say to me, thank you for serving so I don't have to.
01:20:12.000 Now, that in and of itself isn't too bad.
01:20:16.000 A little weird, but not too bad.
01:20:17.000 The same guy has no job and is fleecing people for money at the church, yet he's my age and seems to be in alright shape.
01:20:24.000 This is the problem with our country-slash-generation.
01:20:27.000 Quit living like people owe you something.
01:20:30.000 Take responsibility for yourself and contribute to this country-slash-world.
01:20:35.000 Every time I think about this I laugh while getting angry.
01:20:39.000 And then he has a bunch of Bible quotes and great letter.
01:20:43.000 Thanks very much.
01:20:47.000 Lewis O'Neill.
01:20:48.000 Hey Gavin, just wondering what your thoughts on weighting the voting system on IQ?
01:20:52.000 See, we told that one before.
01:20:53.000 Yeah, yeah.
01:20:55.000 This one's kind of old, but it's still, this stands up.
01:21:01.000 Well, it has a front part that's dated.
01:21:04.000 So it says, Please God, tell me Ryan Katsu didn't need a full hour to get sad.
01:21:09.000 The sad reference.
01:21:10.000 Remember that?
01:21:11.000 No.
01:21:11.000 The stay-at-home dad, where the acronym is APT.
01:21:14.000 Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
01:21:14.000 So he says, Hey guys... We talked about this already, I think.
01:21:17.000 Just that front part.
01:21:18.000 In the middle part, I was wondering why I flagged it.
01:21:21.000 So he has an idea here.
01:21:23.000 Question regarding DefendGavin.com.
01:21:25.000 I live really close to a college campus and I'd like to set up a donation, information, and support stand down there for you.
01:21:32.000 Right there in the middle of their liberal faces.
01:21:34.000 If I get no more than $50 and a ton of screeching-triggered college kids, I'll be very happy.
01:21:38.000 But, I don't want to sound like a pussy, but I'd like to ask your permission just in case it adds any negativity on your name, or blah blah blah, or if any accident happens or any legal trouble.
01:21:47.000 So, uh, you know, repatriate your response.
01:21:52.000 Repatriate?
01:21:53.000 That's like appreciate and repatriate at the same time?
01:21:56.000 I had a stroke.
01:21:56.000 They typed it correctly.
01:21:58.000 Um, alright, how about this one?
01:22:01.000 Wait, you're not gonna respond to that?
01:22:02.000 I wasn't listening.
01:22:03.000 Do you think it's a good idea if they stand up, like, they set up a little stand that's, you know, telling them information and collecting donations for the site?
01:22:12.000 Or does that give you bad name?
01:22:14.000 Yeah, don't do that.
01:22:14.000 Don't get involved in my shit.
01:22:15.000 I got guys.
01:22:18.000 Alec Janka.
01:22:20.000 My name is Alec from Wichita, Kansas.
01:22:22.000 I remember watching a video of yours giving advice on how to meet new guy friends.
01:22:26.000 That is a funny thing.
01:22:29.000 Right?
01:22:29.000 You're not great at it, by the way.
01:22:31.000 Who, me?
01:22:31.000 You moved out of your house.
01:22:33.000 You haven't met any friends in your new neighborhood.
01:22:35.000 No, I've been screening friends, like the guy at the place, the bar, that restaurant downstairs.
01:22:42.000 He's always friendly, and he vapes.
01:22:43.000 The Italian restaurant?
01:22:44.000 No, no, no.
01:22:46.000 The one that has that dope-ass chicken sandwich I've been telling you about.
01:22:49.000 Okay.
01:22:51.000 He's cool, and he smokes vape, and I guarantee he smokes pot, too.
01:22:55.000 What's his name?
01:22:55.000 He's not a square.
01:22:56.000 I have no interest.
01:22:58.000 I just...
01:22:59.000 Yeah, I just said you're not good at making friends in your new neighborhood and you just proved it true.
01:23:05.000 Dude, I can make a friend in one day.
01:23:07.000 I just have no time for it.
01:23:09.000 I made a pot connection from the guy at my stop and shop.
01:23:13.000 See, we talked about this today.
01:23:14.000 I said, how about starting today, no more excuses, no more lies.
01:23:17.000 I could make him a friend, I'm telling you.
01:23:19.000 That's not a lie, that's an excuse.
01:23:22.000 No.
01:23:22.000 You haven't made any friends in your new neighborhood.
01:23:24.000 I could if I wanted to.
01:23:26.000 Okay, great excuse.
01:23:27.000 By the way, this guy's calling back.
01:23:29.000 Okay, let's see what we got.
01:23:31.000 Hey, faggot.
01:23:32.000 What's up?
01:23:32.000 What's up, pussy?
01:23:34.000 What's good?
01:23:35.000 What do you want to- What's up, bitch?
01:23:37.000 Oh, no, you did not just call me a bitch in front of my boss.
01:23:41.000 Yo, so is this undercard happening?
01:23:43.000 Are we doing this?
01:23:44.000 We're on the podcast right now.
01:23:46.000 This is live.
01:23:48.000 Oh, shit.
01:23:49.000 So, choose your words carefully, nigga.
01:23:53.000 Hello.
01:23:55.000 So yeah, um, no, I don't know if this undercard is happening.
01:23:57.000 Well, me and Gavin will have to discuss this.
01:24:00.000 All right.
01:24:01.000 Sounds good.
01:24:01.000 I don't appreciate your tone coming at me like that.
01:24:04.000 All right.
01:24:04.000 Hang up.
01:24:04.000 Boring.
01:24:06.000 Bye.
01:24:08.000 Just hang up.
01:24:08.000 Sorry, friend.
01:24:10.000 Okay.
01:24:10.000 Alec Jenke.
01:24:12.000 My name is Alec, blah, blah, blah.
01:24:14.000 It is funny.
01:24:15.000 Yeah, I remember moving to a new city, especially moving to New York or Montreal.
01:24:19.000 Actually, everywhere I've moved.
01:24:20.000 You meet new guys and, you know, they're either at your bar or through work or something.
01:24:25.000 And then you have that weird time where you go, so what's your number or whatever?
01:24:29.000 Like when you get to my age, it's not as embarrassing because you don't give a fuck.
01:24:33.000 But when you're in your 20s and early 30s and you have to get the guy's number.
01:24:37.000 And then here's a weird one.
01:24:39.000 I should do a whole podcast on this because it's a fascinating subject.
01:24:42.000 You make a new friend, you move to a new city, you make a new friend, and then you meet better friends and you realize, I don't really like that first guy.
01:24:51.000 It's like someone told me, if you ever go to prison and there's that really talkative guy who goes, hey man, what's going on?
01:24:57.000 What you in for?
01:24:58.000 Avoid that guy.
01:24:59.000 There's a reason he has no friends.
01:25:01.000 They said, when you go to prison, just have no friends for the first month.
01:25:05.000 And sort of carefully weigh it out and then start making friends.
01:25:10.000 Cause you're gonna end up with friends you don't want.
01:25:12.000 And then you end up in this weird situation where you have to dump a dude.
01:25:15.000 Yep.
01:25:16.000 You ever dump a guy?
01:25:17.000 Yeah.
01:25:18.000 And you know why?
01:25:19.000 That's weird.
01:25:20.000 So they, they bring you in cause you're the new guy in prison.
01:25:23.000 So like they do have something to tell, like they have a, they can bring you in.
01:25:27.000 But now once you know prison, you're like, I don't need you anymore.
01:25:30.000 The only reason you were a friend to me is because you tried to bring me into this new prison zone.
01:25:36.000 I don't know what you're talking about.
01:25:37.000 How do you not?
01:25:39.000 So let's say you come into prison.
01:25:40.000 I remember dumping a guy that I realized was kind of insane.
01:25:44.000 This was when I moved to Montreal.
01:25:46.000 His name was Eric and I remember he was drunk and he goes, I'll tell you what man.
01:25:51.000 There's no way I'm gonna die without having done something major for the Aboriginal people.
01:25:58.000 That's gonna be my mark on history, is helping them help themselves.
01:26:03.000 And that's when I sort of went, uh-oh.
01:26:04.000 Especially in your 20s, you're shit-faced all the time, so you don't really have high standards for buddies.
01:26:09.000 And I remember going, uh-oh, I think I married a douche.
01:26:13.000 And then he also told me he's gonna become Prime Minister of Canada.
01:26:17.000 The President of Canada.
01:26:19.000 And I went, this guy's a fucking lunatic.
01:26:22.000 Then I had to dump him and then I'd see him at other bars and it was like my ex-boyfriend.
01:26:27.000 Yeah.
01:26:28.000 I'm probably gonna have to dump you soon.
01:26:30.000 True.
01:26:30.000 That'll be weird.
01:26:31.000 When you're new to prison.
01:26:34.000 Okay, I used that as an analogy, but sure.
01:26:40.000 They have the reason why... No, I get all that.
01:26:43.000 I get your analogy.
01:26:44.000 Yeah.
01:26:44.000 I'm sorry.
01:26:45.000 I understand.
01:26:45.000 I was just trying to move the thing along.
01:26:46.000 True.
01:26:47.000 All right.
01:26:51.000 Sorry if this exposition is long and boring, but I work at Home Depot.
01:26:53.000 We have a UPS delivery man who's delivering constantly.
01:26:55.000 He's a year older than me at 25.
01:26:57.000 Oh, this is so weird.
01:26:58.000 This is heterosexual.
01:27:00.000 What should I do about this guy email?
01:27:03.000 This should probably be our last one, but this is funny.
01:27:06.000 He's a year older than me at 25 and in the beginning whenever he'd stop by we'd have casual conversation about video games or random dumb shit to make each other laugh.
01:27:13.000 As we've gotten to know each other slightly better we jokingly say gay things.
01:27:18.000 I obviously don't mean it because he's married and I'm incredibly heterosexual.
01:27:22.000 He's a cool guy but I never really saw us hang out outside of work.
01:27:24.000 Well recently he's been asking when are we gonna hang out.
01:27:29.000 I usually deflect with a joke.
01:27:30.000 We laugh and he leaves.
01:27:31.000 But the other day he asks again, and as he does so, he begins to write down his number, but stops and asks if this is gay.
01:27:40.000 I said yes, but it's okay because you're married and I'm straight.
01:27:47.000 I was so sorry for him because about a year ago his wife cheated on him with a bum friend and let him crash with them.
01:27:52.000 They have two kids and he works ridiculous hours, probably doesn't have a lot of friends.
01:27:56.000 I'm on the fence about actually contacting him because between HD, Home Depot, co-owning a startup solar energy business, making an album, and hanging out with friends I already have, I'm busy as hell.
01:28:10.000 I do think it'd be fun to grab a beer or something.
01:28:12.000 So what do you suggest two guys do to get to know each other with minimal awkwardness?
01:28:16.000 Thanks for any answers.
01:28:17.000 Look, I have a very gay answer.
01:28:19.000 And by the way, you're gay.
01:28:20.000 You're being gay.
01:28:21.000 For emailing someone for advice.
01:28:24.000 Some guy you don't know.
01:28:26.000 Asking him what you should do.
01:28:27.000 So that's already pretty gay.
01:28:28.000 Just blow him, dude.
01:28:29.000 Just suck his dick.
01:28:30.000 Just get it over with.
01:28:35.000 I'm giving you the same advice I would give someone who was wanting to court a woman.
01:28:39.000 And all these guys have all these plans, like should I meet her at this thing?
01:28:43.000 Dude, if she's really it, show up at her door with flowers.
01:28:45.000 Like, be a fucking cornball.
01:28:47.000 Go full on, I love you.
01:28:51.000 You have to be kind of attractive for this.
01:28:52.000 Like, it didn't work for dude in The Simpsons who said, I choo-choo-choose you.
01:28:58.000 But if you're, you know, a 6.8 and up, you can be corny with a girl.
01:29:03.000 Similarly, and not too similarly, with this guy, just go, yeah, I accept that this is weird and gay and a funny thing to do, but I'd love to grab a beer with you, UPS guy.
01:29:15.000 And if you don't want to do it again, don't do it again.
01:29:17.000 Like, grow some balls.
01:29:19.000 Go do, just say yes.
01:29:21.000 I had this motto for a while, say yes to everything.
01:29:24.000 And you know who else did this once?
01:29:26.000 Paul Rubens.
01:29:28.000 Pee-wee Herman.
01:29:29.000 I saw him on David Letterman.
01:29:31.000 And he said, uh, one day- wait.
01:29:33.000 Yeah, I'm gonna be- I'm gonna have a place, uh, with chronically famous pee-wees throughout history.
01:29:39.000 Ha!
01:29:40.000 That was terrible.
01:29:41.000 Fuck.
01:29:41.000 That wasn't that bad, dude.
01:29:43.000 Um, and he just started saying yes to everything.
01:29:46.000 Now, he's Paul Reubens, he's famous, so that's, um, he's gonna end up with a lot more shit to do than you, but he said, I'm actually getting drunk, I have to stop this podcast.
01:29:55.000 He said, um, he started saying yes, like, some hillbilly, he's doing a tour in the South, I don't know what he's doing, peewee something, and they go, hey, Mr. Peewee, can we have you come over for dinner?
01:30:07.000 And he goes, you know what, yeah, sure, fuck.
01:30:09.000 Huh, so he goes over there,
01:30:12.000 And it's like 15 rednecks.
01:30:16.000 They've already eaten when he gets there.
01:30:19.000 And they want to feed him!
01:30:22.000 So they make him this beautiful elaborate meal with biscuits and fried chicken and collard greens and all manner of things, chitlins, whatever those are.
01:30:31.000 And he said, I just sat there eating and they stared at me.
01:30:34.000 15 people just stared at me as I chewed.
01:30:37.000 And then eventually the patriarch, the father goes, my God.
01:30:43.000 We got a celebrity in our house.
01:30:45.000 And then the brother goes, it's like we're sitting here staring at Marilyn Monroe.
01:30:51.000 No.
01:30:52.000 Yes.
01:30:53.000 It's the kind of party where everybody gets a present.
01:30:56.000 So that's a super awesome story Paul Reubens has for the rest of his life.
01:31:00.000 Why not try it out, you fucking pussy?
01:31:02.000 Yeah.
01:31:03.000 Alec Jay.
01:31:05.000 Alright folks, that's it.
01:31:07.000 I think we got a pretty good chip out of the mailbag.
01:31:11.000 I'm down to my last blue flag.
01:31:14.000 That's how I organize them.
01:31:16.000 I got maybe another 15 to go.
01:31:18.000 Oh, I got way more.
01:31:20.000 Thank you for tuning in.
01:31:21.000 I did Josh Denny's podcast.
01:31:23.000 That'll be out shortly.
01:31:25.000 We talked about comedy and social justice warriors and what they've done to our fucking culture.
01:31:31.000 Now they've ruined all jokes.
01:31:35.000 I also, you know, people talk about this Australia tour.
01:31:37.000 It's still on for all intents and purposes.
01:31:40.000 I did get my first no.
01:31:41.000 We appealed it.
01:31:43.000 So though I've been denied access to that country, I didn't accept it.
01:31:46.000 So we're still fighting for them.
01:31:48.000 Please go to DefendGavin.com.
01:31:50.000 We surpassed 90%.
01:31:52.000 Let me check it now.
01:31:53.000 Still at 90.
01:31:54.000 6,000 donors.
01:31:55.000 And I'll tell you what.
01:31:57.000 The reason I have this site is not for the 224,000, although that's pretty sweet.
01:32:02.000 That's like a year of lawyer fees.
01:32:05.000 I think what the SPLC is freaked out about is the 6,178 donors.
01:32:11.000 That's a fucking mob of people who are sick of their bullshit.
01:32:16.000 And our last donation was five minutes ago.
01:32:19.000 Andrew Ketch.
01:32:20.000 An hour ago, $20.
01:32:22.000 Two hours ago, $20.
01:32:24.000 Four hours ago, $20.
01:32:25.000 Four hours ago, $20.
01:32:25.000 They just keep going!
01:32:28.000 I like you more than a friend, guys.
01:32:31.000 And it was real.
01:32:32.000 It was fun.
01:32:32.000 It was also real fun.