Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes - April 22, 2019


#133 | My friend almost died this weekend on his motorcycle


Episode Stats

Length

1 hour and 41 minutes

Words per Minute

166.67766

Word Count

16,840

Sentence Count

1,604

Misogynist Sentences

92

Hate Speech Sentences

139


Summary

Actor, comedian, writer, and all-around douchebag Dave Chappelle joins Jemele to talk about heights, racism in NYC, and why women should be allowed to wear long dresses in the U.S. A.K.A. The Middle East. Plus, Jemele gives us the inside scoop on why she thinks kids are pussies and why she doesn t want them to grow up to be the same size as her. Plus, we talk about why she's not a fan of New York s melting pot, and what it means to be a Puerto Rican in New York City, and how she feels about it. And, of course, she also talks about how she doesn't want to wear a burqa in public. And, she talks about a bunch of other things, too, but you'll have to wait until the end to find out what she's talking about! Logo by Courtney DeKorte. Theme by Mavus White. Music by PSOVOD and tyops. Art by Skandalous. We do not own the rights to either of these songs, credit goes to original artists. If you'd like to purchase a copy of the album, we'd really appreciate it greatly appreciate it if you left us a review and/or a rating and review it in the iTunes store, we'll get a shoutout. Thank you, and a shout out and a review on the next episode of the podcast, too! if you review the album on Apple Podcasts and subscribe to the podcast and review the podcast on iTunes. Thanks for listening to Jemele and I'll be listening to this podcast. - Thank you so much, it really really helps us out there! -Jemeleven of course. Thank you for being a good friend of Jemele, and I hope you enjoy this podcast and it's a lot of good vibes, too. XOXO, Jeebus and I really really appreciate you, JEAN RYANTHORDS, JUICY, JODYL AND JAYE RYNNE and I love you, too much, JELLY, GABEASILY, JEREMY AND KARENJOYING YOU, JAMIE AND KELLY AND DOUG DYANNA AND THEMSELVES, AND KIM AND JOSEAH AND PODCAST.


Transcript

00:00:01.000 My friend almost died this weekend on his motorcycle.
00:00:07.000 We're tooling around the Cross County Parkway, whatever it's called.
00:00:12.000 And I'm on my fucking awesome Triumph Bonneville that I just paid $500 getting totally revamped.
00:00:20.000 And it runs like, it runs like an electric car.
00:00:24.000 It's just, it just purrs.
00:00:29.000 I actually don't like going very fast on it.
00:00:31.000 That's the thing about being 48.
00:00:34.000 You're kind of a pussy.
00:00:36.000 So more than 65 miles an hour and I start to poop.
00:00:39.000 Poop my panties.
00:00:41.000 I've noticed it with heights too.
00:00:42.000 I never gave a shit about heights.
00:00:44.000 But now if I'm... Like we went to this water park in Orlando.
00:00:49.000 And we were really high up.
00:00:51.000 Like the top of a building high up.
00:00:53.000 And I could see down to the cement way the fuck down there.
00:00:56.000 I could see for miles and miles.
00:00:59.000 And I was kind of sketched out.
00:01:02.000 And then my son, there was sort of a long, like eight foot diameter pipe that was sort of 40 feet from us, just sitting there in the middle, like a big, big tall pipe that just ended.
00:01:13.000 I don't know, maybe they're building more on it or something.
00:01:17.000 It was very incongruous looking, just sort of this big cylinder, but it was maybe, you know, 15 stories high.
00:01:25.000 And then my son goes, how much would you have to be paid to stay on that top of that thing for 24 hours?
00:01:31.000 And I got, like, the shakes, like... Because you'd probably fall asleep, and then if you fell asleep, you might roll over.
00:01:39.000 I never was scared of heights before.
00:01:45.000 I guess as you get weaker, you get more... your body naturally evolves to make you more of a pussy.
00:01:52.000 Maybe that's why I'm such a shitty boxer.
00:01:55.000 Because my body's going, what are you doing, old man?
00:01:57.000 You're gonna die in there.
00:02:00.000 Is it a kid thing, too?
00:02:00.000 Like, your body does, like, this self-preservation thing?
00:02:03.000 Yeah, kids are pussies, too.
00:02:05.000 No!
00:02:05.000 I mean, after you have kids, you become... You have to... Yeah, that's definitely a factor.
00:02:10.000 I know.
00:02:11.000 Kids are pussies.
00:02:11.000 The example I always give is, I could, uh... When there was a fight in a bar, in my single days, I would grab my phone immediately and start filming it.
00:02:20.000 I got some pretty good footage of some pretty good fights.
00:02:24.000 In Williamsburg, Puerto Rican kids.
00:02:27.000 The north side and the south side of Williamsburg have a beef that the hipsters don't know about or aren't part of.
00:02:33.000 This myth that New York is a melting pot is a fucking lie.
00:02:36.000 There's different planes and there is a Puerto Rican dimension in New York that doesn't correlate to anyone else.
00:02:47.000 And in Williamsburg, there's the hipsters and they have their little bars and where they go.
00:02:51.000 And then there's the Puerto Ricans who don't know any hipsters or vice versa.
00:02:55.000 And they have like South 5th, South 6th, actually there's Dominicans now on South 5th, but the South side is the Puerto Ricans.
00:03:02.000 And then there's the North side Puerto Ricans who are, you know, North 1st, North 2nd.
00:03:07.000 And when there's a boxing match, they all scream like, NORTH SIDE!
00:03:11.000 SOUTH SIDE!
00:03:13.000 And then you have the orthodox Jews, sorry, the Hasidic Jews, who are very far south.
00:03:17.000 They're on the other side of the BQE.
00:03:18.000 And that's obviously a whole other totally different world.
00:03:22.000 There's no holding hands.
00:03:25.000 There's no Puerto Ricans holding hands with Hasids, holding hands with hipsters.
00:03:28.000 In fact, they tend to war.
00:03:32.000 The Hasids didn't like the hipster girls because they were dressing too lasciviously.
00:03:39.000 And they were in little short shorts, and that goes against, you know, their religion.
00:03:43.000 And the Hasidic men were having problems with their ogling, which the feminists didn't like.
00:03:49.000 But it was weird because it's Jews, so you don't look very cool hating them.
00:03:56.000 So these hipsters were like, fuck these goddamn jerks.
00:04:00.000 Conservatives.
00:04:02.000 Canadians.
00:04:03.000 Canadians.
00:04:03.000 So they had a protest.
00:04:06.000 A nude bike protest where they rode their bicycles through the Hasidic part of town naked.
00:04:11.000 Which is weird because that's cool if you're going against the government and the government had some rule about Puritanism and said women have to have long dresses.
00:04:22.000 But when it's a religion that has their little area where they're keeping to themselves, it's kind of a shitty thing to do.
00:04:30.000 Like, I don't think that women in burqas should be working at the DMV and all that, or they should be able to wear their religious coverings in a passport photo.
00:04:39.000 So I don't like that.
00:04:41.000 But I don't mind if Sikhs wear turbans when they work at the airport.
00:04:45.000 It's a fine line.
00:04:46.000 You know, you can assimilate.
00:04:48.000 Sikhs assimilate.
00:04:50.000 Muslims don't really, especially the sort of radical ones, obviously don't assimilate very well.
00:04:58.000 And Hasidic Jews, well they don't assimilate at all really, but... I don't know, they're not like dying to work at the DMV.
00:05:05.000 I don't even think they can be cops.
00:05:07.000 I remember there was a Hasidic cop in the NYPD and I went, this is breaking some rules in the Hasidic culture.
00:05:14.000 Somewheres.
00:05:15.000 So to go find Hasidic Jews in their neighborhood and ride around your bike naked, that doesn't seem like you're encouraging assimilation to me.
00:05:24.000 It seems like you're being a dick.
00:05:25.000 You're not fighting authority.
00:05:27.000 You're just being a cock.
00:05:29.000 A naked lady cock.
00:05:35.000 Speaking of which, the news
00:05:40.000 Is talking about this attack in Sri Lanka.
00:05:43.000 And they're just talking about it like it was just a terrorist- It's just a crazy group of radicals that blew up some people.
00:05:49.000 You sort of have to peel a layer of the onion back to go, Oh wait, this was Easter?
00:05:53.000 Oh, it was Catholics?
00:05:54.000 Oh, it was Muslims targeting Catholics?
00:05:56.000 Okay, and how many- 200 killed?
00:05:57.000 130 to 200?
00:05:57.000 Still dying now?
00:05:58.000 Okay.
00:05:58.000 So it was Muslims.
00:06:00.000 Again.
00:06:00.000 Got it.
00:06:08.000 That should be everywhere.
00:06:09.000 That should be treated like the Christchurch shooting, like the synagogue shooting.
00:06:15.000 This was an attack against a persecuted group.
00:06:19.000 Yes, Christians are persecuted, especially when you leave America.
00:06:24.000 They're not doing great in America.
00:06:27.000 I mean, priests are getting criminally charged for not having gay weddings, not doing gay weddings.
00:06:32.000 So they've basically made Catholicism illegal.
00:06:36.000 But that's the best it gets.
00:06:39.000 You know, you go to northern Iraq and they're just shooting people in churches.
00:06:42.000 They're blowing up churches.
00:06:44.000 They're crucifying children, Coptic Christians, in Egypt.
00:06:50.000 But yeah, it's not cool.
00:06:52.000 It's not cool to be worried about Christians.
00:06:54.000 So they just kind of drop it.
00:06:55.000 Well, they're Easter worshipers.
00:06:57.000 That was the weirdest thing.
00:06:58.000 Did you see that?
00:06:59.000 Yeah.
00:07:00.000 About 50 globalists and big time politicians use that same term Easter worshipers.
00:07:08.000 Barack Obama was using it.
00:07:10.000 What the fuck is an Easter worshiper?
00:07:12.000 You worship chocolate bunnies?
00:07:15.000 A peep fanatic?
00:07:18.000 You mean Christians?
00:07:19.000 Yeah.
00:07:19.000 You mean Catholics?
00:07:21.000 Hi, I'm an Easter worshipper.
00:07:23.000 I don't really go for the other stuff.
00:07:27.000 To me, it's very important the day that Jesus came back when he pushed that rock out, but that's the only time I'm Christian.
00:07:32.000 I'm just solely an Easter worshipper.
00:07:34.000 Yeah, those Easter worshippers were killed by the prayer five times a dayers.
00:07:43.000 They beat their womaners.
00:07:45.000 A group of beat their womaners.
00:07:47.000 Every time I see an attack now, I'm just like, last name, please.
00:07:51.000 And if it's Jackson, I go, boring.
00:07:53.000 But when it's Muhammad, I go, interesting.
00:07:57.000 And then you say, oh, I get it, Gavin.
00:07:59.000 You only like it when it's your bad guys.
00:08:01.000 No.
00:08:03.000 One is indicative of a pattern.
00:08:05.000 And you keep hiding this pattern.
00:08:07.000 Like the Beltway Sniper.
00:08:09.000 Remember that guy?
00:08:11.000 Oh, some random black dude and his nephew, and they were just shooting people.
00:08:15.000 No, they were Muslims shooting infidels.
00:08:19.000 Or those two cops who were killed, the Asian guy and the Hispanic guy, the NYPD, and I always forget their goddamn names.
00:08:26.000 Which is not cool on my part.
00:08:29.000 What the hell were their names?
00:08:30.000 Looking it up.
00:08:33.000 That Chinese guy just had a baby.
00:08:35.000 Oh, frick.
00:08:36.000 They froze his sperm.
00:08:37.000 Really?
00:08:38.000 Yeah.
00:08:38.000 Oh.
00:08:41.000 Um, that black guy, Black Lives Matter, he said he was gonna make pigs fly.
00:08:46.000 Yes, that's all true.
00:08:48.000 He was also a radical Muslim.
00:08:51.000 Black Muslim, yes.
00:08:54.000 Why do you keep leaving that out of the story?
00:08:56.000 A woman was beheaded in Oklahoma.
00:08:57.000 It's workplace violence.
00:08:59.000 Not when it's a Muslim.
00:09:00.000 Not when he has on his Facebook page, smite ye above their necks and a huge fucking sword.
00:09:07.000 Uh, Officer Wenjian Liu and Officer Rafael Ramos.
00:09:12.000 Ah.
00:09:14.000 What do you feel when you see a Chinese man?
00:09:18.000 Oh, like, is that the end of the sentence?
00:09:20.000 Yes.
00:09:21.000 Uh... As a half-Japanese man, when you see, cause when, like when a stranger sees that guy, and you, they go, oh, chinks.
00:09:30.000 I see, I feel less than nothing when I see most Asian people.
00:09:35.000 Even the ones that are Americanized that speak perfectly fine, they're like, hey, my name's Ray.
00:09:40.000 Or hey, my name's James.
00:09:42.000 They're just, they bore me.
00:09:43.000 You don't like Asians?
00:09:44.000 They don't, they don't do anything for me.
00:09:48.000 They're nor here nor there.
00:09:50.000 They're just a bore.
00:09:55.000 And you don't find Asian women attractive?
00:09:57.000 No, I don't.
00:09:58.000 None?
00:09:59.000 Maybe there would be an exception like back in the day, but I've come to a point where I've got no room for that shit.
00:10:04.000 Their skin feels like porcelain.
00:10:06.000 That's cool.
00:10:08.000 They never have bad- sometimes they have no tits and no ass, but they never have a badass and bad tits.
00:10:13.000 They always have square... Their shoulders are the same length- uh, you know, distance apart as their feet and their waist.
00:10:20.000 It's- they're just a square peg.
00:10:22.000 Sometimes- Koreans can have a chubby ass.
00:10:25.000 I mean, good for them.
00:10:26.000 What about Pilipinas?
00:10:27.000 Pilipinas can have, they have Spanish asses.
00:10:30.000 They're just, they make me yawn.
00:10:33.000 The whole race.
00:10:34.000 The whole race makes me yawn.
00:10:36.000 It's so weird that I look this way, because I don't, I feel zero percent it.
00:10:40.000 But I guess I can get away with saying this, right?
00:10:41.000 Well, your dad did leave before you were born, so you weren't exactly drowning in Japanese influence.
00:10:47.000 Right.
00:10:48.000 It's true.
00:10:50.000 So yeah, I've got to catch up on some stuff.
00:10:53.000 I made pennies betting on Terrence Crawford.
00:10:58.000 I'm kind of new to betting.
00:10:59.000 Oh, that fight happened there, huh?
00:11:01.000 Yeah.
00:11:02.000 Hmm.
00:11:02.000 Guess what I did?
00:11:04.000 You bet on it.
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00:11:21.000 So if you don't use, if you don't deposit any money, I don't make no money.
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00:12:03.000 So, BetTSI offers betting options for everything, but I'm fighting NBA, March Madness, NFL, NHL, NCAA football, and all other major sports, politics, reality TV, eSports, virtually everything.
00:12:14.000 I've been betting on the Mets, and they had a shitty week.
00:12:18.000 We don't have anyone who can hit the ball.
00:12:21.000 And we got a bunch of home runs, but no one was on base.
00:12:25.000 And DeGrom, possibly the greatest pitcher of all time, gets a contract and he starts throwing like me.
00:12:33.000 Jacob deGrom and I are peers now.
00:12:38.000 He throws, he'll be two feet out of the strike zone.
00:12:43.000 It's embarrassing.
00:12:44.000 Yeesh.
00:12:46.000 And this is the same thing with the Mets every year.
00:12:49.000 But I've been, I'm committed to always betting for them, never against them.
00:12:52.000 So that has not made me any money.
00:12:54.000 I bet on Terence Crawford against Amir Khan, but the odds were so stacked against him, I only made 20 bucks.
00:13:04.000 I mean, stacked against Khan.
00:13:06.000 Bless you.
00:13:06.000 It was a very safe bet, but I gotta say, one of the shittiest boxing experiences of my life.
00:13:14.000 I'm spoiled for two reasons.
00:13:16.000 One, Joe Rogan used to get me tickets sometimes, so I'm just, I'm used to being on the floor.
00:13:23.000 And even when I paid, I feel like I was paying maybe $150 at Barclays, and I feel like I was right on the main floor there.
00:13:31.000 And that's without any favors.
00:13:33.000 But these tickets I got through the boxer himself and they were nosebleeds.
00:13:39.000 You kind of kid yourself too.
00:13:42.000 I always get too optimistic about seats.
00:13:44.000 And because I'm spoiled, right?
00:13:47.000 And you're just looking at the ticket and it says 232 and you just keep going up and up and up.
00:13:52.000 And the people that are with you at the bottom have fur coats and suits on.
00:13:55.000 And then as you keep calling up the stairs, the clothes get worse and worse until you're just with the sweatpants people.
00:14:03.000 And that's when you know that you're, it's just two little tiny ants fighting way the fuck down there.
00:14:08.000 I was so far up that I don't think I would be strong enough to whip a golf ball and hit the ring.
00:14:15.000 And now that's not a straight line, I'm throwing down, so it should be easy.
00:14:18.000 I don't think I could have made it.
00:14:20.000 So you're just watching it on the giant screen.
00:14:22.000 And then when you're watching it on the giant screen, you're like, why aren't I in a bar or at home?
00:14:27.000 So you know what we did?
00:14:30.000 We left.
00:14:31.000 Nice.
00:14:32.000 Watched a few fights.
00:14:33.000 This is another problem with fighting.
00:14:35.000 If you don't have good seats, then you only really want to watch three fights.
00:14:39.000 But they have like 15, 20 fights.
00:14:42.000 Sheesh.
00:14:42.000 And I'm also coming from music where I never liked stadium rock.
00:14:47.000 I don't want to see Bruce Springsteen with 80,000 people.
00:14:49.000 I want to see a small band as they're coming up.
00:14:52.000 And I don't want 17 bands to open for them.
00:14:55.000 I want to see maybe three bands.
00:14:58.000 Maybe.
00:14:58.000 Probably not.
00:15:02.000 So we just got a bunch of people together and went and rented a karaoke room.
00:15:06.000 Nice.
00:15:06.000 There you go.
00:15:08.000 And, uh, I have an ungift when it comes to singing.
00:15:14.000 Like, you know how someone's just blessed?
00:15:16.000 Like, uh, uh, Ariana Grande?
00:15:21.000 Yeah, you're like, you're cursed.
00:15:22.000 I have the same, but in reverse.
00:15:24.000 And it would ruin people's nights.
00:15:26.000 Everyone was having fun, and then I'd get up there and go,
00:15:29.000 He's a wolf screaming lonely in the night.
00:15:31.000 He's a blood stain on the stage.
00:15:33.000 He's a tear in your eye to be tempted by his lie.
00:15:36.000 He's a knife hanging back his rage.
00:15:37.000 Not too bad.
00:15:38.000 And people go, oh, fuck.
00:15:40.000 I guess I don't like Motley Crue anymore.
00:15:41.000 That's ruined.
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00:16:06.000 That is my read for our sponsor, BetDSI.com.
00:16:09.000 BetDSI.com.
00:16:10.000 And sorry, I didn't finish saying the reason I was spoiled is not just knowing someone and coming from seeing bands to boxing, but also
00:16:22.000 Seeing local fights is the best.
00:16:24.000 Fuck major matches.
00:16:25.000 I don't give a shit about Amir Khan and Terence Crawford.
00:16:28.000 This comes from punk rock.
00:16:30.000 When I got into punk, it was already dead in the 80s, and it was all about hardcore.
00:16:34.000 And the beauty of hardcore is there was no stars.
00:16:39.000 So I talk to New Yorkers and they go, oh, you're into hardcore?
00:16:42.000 Oh, so you must like Gorilla Biscuits and Cro-Mags and Agnostic Front?
00:16:46.000 And I go, no, not really.
00:16:47.000 New York is a six hour drive away from where we were.
00:16:52.000 We had our own bands.
00:16:54.000 We had Honest Engine and Dead Trout and Neanderthal Sponge and Grave Concern.
00:16:59.000 That sounds like fake made up names.
00:17:02.000 No.
00:17:02.000 Even like going to other Canadian hardcore like SNFU, they were from Calgary or Winnipeg or something.
00:17:08.000 That was way the fuck out there.
00:17:10.000 Even in Ottawa, the Montreal bands, there wasn't that much overlap.
00:17:14.000 And it was anti-celebrity in that way.
00:17:17.000 Punk was just rock.
00:17:19.000 So they had their Johnny Rotten and the Richard Hell and the Ramones.
00:17:23.000 You had your stars and you had to be in London or New York.
00:17:28.000 Or you weren't really there.
00:17:29.000 You were missing out on punk if you weren't in London and New York.
00:17:32.000 Hardcore's totally different.
00:17:33.000 Your scene matters.
00:17:35.000 And Maximum Rock and Roll would have these scene reports, and they'd talk about Colorado.
00:17:40.000 They'd talk about fuckin' Oakland.
00:17:43.000 They'd talk about Vancouver.
00:17:45.000 D.O.A.
00:17:46.000 And subhumans.
00:17:48.000 And Vandals?
00:17:49.000 Where they from?
00:17:49.000 There's a really good British band that lived in Vancouver.
00:17:53.000 But anyway.
00:17:55.000 And that's how you enjoyed shows.
00:17:58.000 And the shows would have 30 to 40 people at them.
00:18:01.000 A hundred at the very most.
00:18:02.000 Sometimes a crazy fucking blowout mega show would have 500 people.
00:18:09.000 My band, Anal Chinook, played, that was our biggest show, 500.
00:18:12.000 Opening for Grave Concern, who were a fucking good band.
00:18:15.000 Wow, were they good.
00:18:18.000 And that was, I liked that better, obviously.
00:18:23.000 We're done with the read, right?
00:18:25.000 Yes.
00:18:33.000 That's your Bet DSI fade-out music?
00:18:37.000 Yeah.
00:18:37.000 Well, I couldn't, like, screen them, so I was gonna go... But this is the wrong one.
00:18:44.000 Oh.
00:18:45.000 So you were waiting that queued up that whole time, and then you finally played it and realized, oh, that's the wrong one.
00:18:51.000 Something like that, yeah.
00:18:52.000 Wow, you're useless.
00:18:53.000 Next time it'll be perfect though.
00:18:55.000 I wonder when you have kids, how long it'll take your kids to realize their father's a retard.
00:19:01.000 I bet it's gonna be like six.
00:19:02.000 Probably on the third visit.
00:19:06.000 When they're seven.
00:19:10.000 Probably the third time the cops break down your door for child payments.
00:19:13.000 Yeah, probably when they realize the check, you know, the money signs after the number.
00:19:18.000 Here's $200 with a dollar sign afterwards.
00:19:19.000 What's that called?
00:19:20.000 Child support?
00:19:21.000 Child support checks.
00:19:24.000 So yeah, so I just thought I'm not enjoying this fight and I left and I'm never going to a major fight ever again.
00:19:29.000 I promise you that.
00:19:31.000 Next time, I'm only buying tickets that are $35.
00:19:35.000 Because that means it's at a small venue and I'm only going to fight so I don't know the names of the fighters very well.
00:19:43.000 And I think there was a fight before where everyone from my gym was at and even some guys were working the fight.
00:19:50.000 So the cool guys had the super awesome fight, and then I'm stuck alone with my wife and the nosebleeds.
00:19:58.000 We watch a few people on the big screen, and then we go sing karaoke.
00:20:03.000 And then on Sunday, go for a ride on my motorbike with my buddy, he's on a Ducati, wearing just shorts and a t-shirt.
00:20:10.000 And we're whipping down the highway at like 70, so I'm pooping myself, and I'm thinking, dude, if you wipe out, your whole body's gonna be Freddy Krueger's face.
00:20:20.000 You're just gonna you're just gonna get you know when they at Easter brunch where they come with a little cheese thing and they go you want some cheese on these?
00:20:27.000 That would be his body just cheese gratered off to shreds.
00:20:31.000 And you know what's disgusting?
00:20:34.000 In a weird dark way.
00:20:37.000 Caught myself kind of wanting that to happen.
00:20:40.000 To him?
00:20:40.000 Yes.
00:20:42.000 I love him.
00:20:42.000 He's a great guy.
00:20:43.000 But there's this darkness in us all where, you know, when you hear a screech on the road and you don't hear a bang, you go, ah, fuck.
00:20:51.000 Yeah.
00:20:52.000 Yeah.
00:20:52.000 Like a tiny, disgusting, bizarre percentage of my brain, maybe like 8% was sort of like, man, if he does swipe out, that would be a fucking trip.
00:21:01.000 Flip that percentage.
00:21:02.000 And that's what, that's where I'm at.
00:21:04.000 That's how I roll.
00:21:07.000 Yeah, you 98 or sorry 92% 92% of you wants everyone to die and have their skin ripped off.
00:21:13.000 I want to see carnage Well, but this is your friends.
00:21:16.000 Oh, no 90 91% and then I'm like, well, I wonder what would happen is so his wife would have no like this kids cuz my our kids are friends Maybe the kids would come stay with us for a while.
00:21:27.000 I guess we'd adopt them.
00:21:28.000 I don't know Oh
00:21:31.000 But anyway, so we pull over and he pulls over and he goes, he's liver puddly and he's like, I can't do a Liverpool accent, but he's like, something's going really wrong with my bike.
00:21:42.000 No, that's Australian.
00:21:43.000 Just do a British accent, Cam.
00:21:44.000 He goes, I don't know what's going on, man.
00:21:46.000 It could have been wet leaves or something, but I was kind of wobbling.
00:21:49.000 And I go, there's no wet leaves there, dude.
00:21:51.000 Something's not right.
00:21:52.000 And he goes, eh.
00:21:53.000 And then we kick the tires.
00:21:54.000 They feel fine.
00:21:55.000 He starts driving again.
00:21:57.000 A major piece falls off.
00:22:01.000 This story's kind of sounding boring now that I repeat it.
00:22:03.000 No, that's insane.
00:22:04.000 But he could have fucking died.
00:22:06.000 You know what the piece was?
00:22:07.000 The rear axle, the pin that goes through your back tire, just like on a bicycle, it had come undone.
00:22:15.000 It was missing the bolt and it was slowly sliding out.
00:22:18.000 Holy shit.
00:22:19.000 So if it kept, every time he took a bump, it would go another millimeter.
00:22:23.000 And it was just, it was, it was like seven inches sticking out on one side and then totally gone on the other side.
00:22:28.000 So that piece, that giant piece that fell out was sort of the mechanics of the fastener that catches the pin as it comes through the back wheel.
00:22:37.000 That's insane.
00:22:37.000 He had to get towed.
00:22:39.000 That's a, that's a big deal.
00:22:40.000 That was the end of that.
00:22:43.000 And he didn't care.
00:22:43.000 I was like, Tim, you almost died.
00:22:47.000 You wear leather?
00:22:50.000 I wear leather underwear.
00:22:51.000 Because that's the main stuff.
00:22:54.000 My butt cheeks, and my balls, and my penis.
00:22:57.000 I don't want those.
00:22:58.000 I actually wear chainmail underwear.
00:23:00.000 You said you were wearing just a t-shirt this time, but do you usually wear leather?
00:23:03.000 I usually wear a leather jacket.
00:23:06.000 It looks cooler to have a t-shirt.
00:23:10.000 But I just like driving around the burbs, so I'm usually just puttering around.
00:23:14.000 But I went up to Maine
00:23:17.000 On the other day, to climb this mountain.
00:23:20.000 Arcadia?
00:23:21.000 Arcadia National Park?
00:23:22.000 Yes!
00:23:23.000 Yeah, lovely.
00:23:24.000 I almost died there, but go ahead.
00:23:25.000 Oh, really?
00:23:26.000 Well, I've never ridden my bike up there, and this is before I had my fairing, and there's these trucks, and they're going like 40 miles an hour, and I go, what the fuck's going on here?
00:23:36.000 So I pass them, 18 wheelers, then as I'm going downhill,
00:23:41.000 They come roaring past me at 90 miles an hour, and there's this wind behind them.
00:23:46.000 I used to know this guy, he would go on the slipstream, which is right behind a truck.
00:23:50.000 You have to be maybe like a foot from the bumper, and you get sucked into their airflow, and it just tows you.
00:23:56.000 I don't understand why anyone would do that.
00:23:59.000 It sounds incredibly dangerous.
00:24:00.000 To save gas?
00:24:01.000 What are you gonna save?
00:24:03.000 A full gas tank is eight bucks.
00:24:05.000 I'll pay for it.
00:24:06.000 I'll buy your gas, so you don't do that.
00:24:09.000 So I just learned to avoid them after a while.
00:24:12.000 I guess what they do is it costs them a lot of money to go up hills.
00:24:15.000 So they go up hills slowly and then they just probably just neutral, let the weight carry them on the way down.
00:24:22.000 But some of this wind down there, I would have to rev the accelerator as the wind was hitting me or I'd get blown off the road.
00:24:29.000 Hmm.
00:24:31.000 It was, and then I started to freeze cause it was pretty cold this weekend.
00:24:36.000 So I'm doing what, what they call the Z position, right?
00:24:39.000 Where you have your feet in the passenger things and I'm putting my body close to the engine.
00:24:44.000 Cause the good thing about a long trip is the engine gets hot.
00:24:47.000 So it kind of helps you warm up.
00:24:48.000 But I started smelling this weird smell and I realized my boot was on fire.
00:24:55.000 I was melting my boot to my foot.
00:25:01.000 You wanted something crazy?
00:25:03.000 I just totally stole that story.
00:25:05.000 No you didn't.
00:25:10.000 This guy at my gym listens to the podcast and he told me that story so I thought just to fuck with him I'm gonna pretend that I'm stealing it just so he's listening in his headphones and he'll just be going,
00:25:24.000 Yeah, up until right now he was like, I just learned, wow, that's the kind of guy he is, huh?
00:25:28.000 What a psycho.
00:25:29.000 He was listening to this going, what a psycho weirdo.
00:25:33.000 What other stories of mine has he stolen?
00:25:36.000 Did he just walk around in his life at bars telling my fucking stories?
00:25:40.000 Or old people's stories.
00:25:42.000 Yeah, yeah, he's a zealig.
00:25:43.000 He's a weird psychopathic con man who just hears stories and goes, yeah, my uncle died this weekend.
00:25:50.000 You're a cover band.
00:25:51.000 Yeah, I was taking flying lessons in Maine this weekend.
00:25:57.000 Ripping from Jordan Peterson, clearly.
00:25:59.000 My uncle passed away.
00:26:01.000 God rest his cotton socks.
00:26:03.000 Yeah, I'm way too lazy to lie.
00:26:05.000 See, even then, you started naming the mountain in Maine and I had no idea.
00:26:08.000 Lying is complicated.
00:26:10.000 Oh, that whole thing.
00:26:11.000 Oh, that entire thing.
00:26:13.000 I thought just the boot melting.
00:26:14.000 My buddy with the tire, that was true.
00:26:16.000 That did happen to me.
00:26:18.000 That was up in Westchester.
00:26:20.000 But taking a road trip to Maine was this other guy, Shug.
00:26:25.000 Wow.
00:26:26.000 And he probably, maybe part of him became okay with it.
00:26:28.000 He was like, you know what, maybe that's showbiz.
00:26:31.000 He's my age, so guys our age are just like, oh, well that guy's a psycho weirdo.
00:26:35.000 He turned it off by now, he'll never know this.
00:26:38.000 You'll have to force him to listen to it to be like, no, no, trust me.
00:26:39.000 Well that would suck if he's, I think he listens to it pretty regularly though.
00:26:42.000 But that did happen to me once.
00:26:45.000 Zora Neale Hurston.
00:26:48.000 Is this black author s and This is gonna sound gay, but in college.
00:26:53.000 I took a lot of women's studies classes I know I know what you're saying, but same with the singer the fucked up Damon.
00:27:00.000 What's his name?
00:27:01.000 It was the only non-boring class This is before schools had totally shit the bed, and you there was no like rock and roll classes or something so it was either Dickens
00:27:12.000 or you know some other boring geography shit and then there was like women feminists in in film and you go all right that sounds kind of unboring
00:27:23.000 And it was all bullshit, horseshit, fucking dumb bitches making up crap about the patriarchy.
00:27:28.000 But I thought it might be kind of interesting.
00:27:29.000 So I'd like to apologize to everyone for being such a homo and taking women's studies in college.
00:27:35.000 I was just trying to make it interesting.
00:27:37.000 But anyway, I'm in some class, women in history or some bullshit, and we're studying Zora Neale Hurston.
00:27:43.000 Female woman.
00:27:45.000 Female woman.
00:27:46.000 Who is black.
00:27:48.000 And there's a band, you know Chumbawamba?
00:27:50.000 I get knocked down, but I get up again!
00:27:54.000 They used to be on Crass Records.
00:27:56.000 I knew of them before they were pop stars and they used to be a very political anarchist punk band.
00:28:02.000 And they have a song about Zora Neale Hurston.
00:28:07.000 And in the song, it's a true story, they talk about how Zora Neale Hurston, she went through a red light and she got stopped by the cops.
00:28:16.000 And she said to the cop, Oh, I'm sorry, officer.
00:28:21.000 I just saw all the white people going through the green light.
00:28:24.000 So I thought the red light must be for me.
00:28:28.000 And he goes, ah, typical stupid Negro.
00:28:31.000 All right, you dumb bitch, go ahead.
00:28:32.000 But that's not how it works.
00:28:34.000 And she was laughing because she got out of a ticket by taking advantage of this guy's racism.
00:28:41.000 So I think that's an interesting story.
00:28:43.000 So I tell the teacher, the professor, that same story.
00:28:47.000 And then the next class, the professor gets up and she goes, kind of interesting story I was reading about, about Zora Neale Hurston.
00:28:57.000 And she goes to repeat the story I just told her verbatim.
00:29:01.000 Oh, is that it?
00:29:03.000 Yeah.
00:29:05.000 Yeah, that's the album cover.
00:29:08.000 Wow.
00:29:09.000 And you're in the class and he knows it.
00:29:11.000 She.
00:29:12.000 She.
00:29:12.000 You sexist.
00:29:13.000 But I'm staring at her as she tells my story to the class as her story, and I keep trying to catch her eye.
00:29:20.000 Because I want to meet her eye as she rips me off.
00:29:26.000 And why'd she have to do that, too?
00:29:27.000 She just should've said, I heard an interesting story recently.
00:29:30.000 Right.
00:29:31.000 Oh, I know fucking why.
00:29:32.000 Because I'm a man.
00:29:33.000 I was one of the only men in the class.
00:29:36.000 And for her to say, hey, this man here in the class has helped contribute to the class, ladies.
00:29:41.000 No, no, no.
00:29:42.000 The women's studies class.
00:29:43.000 Yeah, you can't do that.
00:29:45.000 I'm a spectator.
00:29:46.000 That's a good point.
00:29:47.000 That's a big thing with the feminists.
00:29:48.000 Take a seat, men.
00:29:51.000 Men aren't like that.
00:29:52.000 When men have a thing, they go, come on, get on board, guys.
00:29:56.000 Like, you want to make America great?
00:29:58.000 Yeah, but I'm black.
00:29:59.000 I don't give a shit.
00:29:59.000 Come on, let's make America great.
00:30:01.000 Yeah, but I'm Jewish.
00:30:02.000 Good.
00:30:03.000 Get over here, Jewish guy.
00:30:05.000 But women and these other little radical groups, they have their thing and everyone else can fuck off.
00:30:11.000 Like that Amy Siskind who said, if you are a male or not a person of color, sit down.
00:30:19.000 During this political process, it's our turn to shine.
00:30:23.000 Which is obviously racist and sexist.
00:30:25.000 She tried to get a guy fired for pointing that out too.
00:30:28.000 Right.
00:30:31.000 Yeah, they're not very, they're kind of grumpy.
00:30:33.000 I remember when I was a kid, like an 18 year old, we'd go to these punk gatherings, un-gatherings they were called, and I'd meet a lesbian and she'd refuse to shake my hand.
00:30:43.000 And they were called lesbian separatists, this group.
00:30:47.000 And what they wanted to do was, wait a minute, don't leave that link yet.
00:30:51.000 They wanted to have a world completely devoid of men.
00:30:54.000 I don't know, I guess men might sit in a plexiglass booth and just jerk off into a jar to supply babies for the human race, but they wanted nothing to do with men whatsoever.
00:31:05.000 Weirdos.
00:31:07.000 Okay, play some of that song.
00:31:08.000 I haven't heard it in 8 billion years.
00:31:15.000 Don't sound very punk, do they?
00:31:17.000 Sound Scottish.
00:31:20.000 No, they're English.
00:31:29.000 There's a lot of yelling and stuff.
00:31:34.000 This is the Get Knocked Down guys?
00:31:36.000 Yeah.
00:31:41.000 This sounds terrible.
00:31:42.000 Okay, now I have to redeem myself.
00:31:45.000 Now, they're doing Zora Neale Hurston, so they're trying to sound 1930s-ish.
00:31:50.000 It's not a very representative song.
00:31:52.000 I see, I see, I see.
00:31:52.000 Look up Nevermind the Ballots.
00:31:54.000 Chumbawamba.
00:31:57.000 God, I got a lot of redeeming to do on this show, huh?
00:32:01.000 This is a redemption song.
00:32:01.000 Apologizing for women's studies, stealing my friend's stories.
00:32:06.000 Right.
00:32:07.000 Yeah, I recently saw... This isn't a stealing a story thing, but like, while we were down in Texas, I did the Bill Burr thing.
00:32:18.000 I don't know if it aired or not, for the Emmys thing.
00:32:21.000 And so I dressed up like Bill Burr,
00:32:23.000 And got the makeup done and stuff like that.
00:32:25.000 And I don't know if it aired or not, but it was like me being put into like Hotel Rwanda.
00:32:31.000 A scene in that.
00:32:32.000 And then also Bill Burn, another black movie.
00:32:34.000 He was in Amistad.
00:32:36.000 And I was there.
00:32:37.000 I don't know if it aired or not, but then I, you know, then Crowder does it because, well, I'm not in Texas to do it.
00:32:43.000 So my first instinct was like, hey, that ought to be me.
00:32:48.000 I joined the Bill Burr, you know?
00:32:50.000 But like, I'm not in Texas and he had a bit that was different.
00:32:53.000 And you don't own Bill Burr.
00:32:54.000 I don't.
00:32:55.000 You explained that really, really bad.
00:32:57.000 Did I?
00:32:57.000 Yes, it was a fucking, I don't know if you're trying to be politically correct or not piss off Crowder.
00:33:02.000 A little bit.
00:33:03.000 Well, then don't talk.
00:33:06.000 Right.
00:33:06.000 You either come out swinging or don't step in the ring.
00:33:10.000 What Ryan's trying to say is that he was, when we were down in doing Crowder's show,
00:33:17.000 Um, he dressed up as Bill Burr, and he's like, oh dude, dude!
00:33:22.000 And they did a fake Emmy Awards where they injected these fake characters into random movies, and it was Bill Burr in Hotel Rwanda going, what is this, Saw 2?
00:33:31.000 This is brutal!
00:33:32.000 And he wore a wig, I mean a bald cap, and then later on in another show,
00:33:38.000 Ryan sees Crowder wearing that same bald cap and doing a Bill Burr imitation with it and he goes, hey, that's kind of my bald cap, my bit.
00:33:46.000 But it's literally Steven Crowder's bald cap.
00:33:49.000 Like he owns it.
00:33:51.000 He literally owns it.
00:33:52.000 So what are you talking about?
00:33:55.000 You think you're the only guy who's allowed to do a Bill Burr impression?
00:33:58.000 Or you're the only person who's allowed to use Crowder's props?
00:34:03.000 That's a great point.
00:34:04.000 Now that was actually my bald cap.
00:34:06.000 I brought that down to Texas.
00:34:08.000 Did you?
00:34:08.000 No.
00:34:09.000 Then shut up.
00:34:11.000 But for that one second I was like, I felt like that ought to be me.
00:34:16.000 You know, Pat Dixon was mad at me for having you host my show as Asian Gavin McInnes.
00:34:23.000 Yes, I found that out way later.
00:34:25.000 That never occurred to me.
00:34:27.000 I always just thought of it as an homage.
00:34:30.000 Yeah.
00:34:32.000 Well, no, dude, it was kind of my bet.
00:34:34.000 I thought it was an homage.
00:34:35.000 I mean, not only did I not mind it, I had a great time doing that show.
00:34:38.000 I see his point now, though.
00:34:40.000 Sometimes you'll find out someone was pissed off about something, and you'll just go, holy shit, dude, I had no idea you found that offensive.
00:34:48.000 That's what you gotta get, you gotta tell people.
00:34:50.000 This is what I love about the Scots, and it's what I hate about the Chinese.
00:34:54.000 In Scotland, you'll just sit down and go, you got a problem with me by the way?
00:34:58.000 Is that a problem?
00:34:59.000 What?
00:34:59.000 What are you talking about?
00:35:00.000 Oh, Sandy said that you didn't think I'd buy enough pints and the guy won't be picking a fight.
00:35:05.000 He just wants to know if you have a problem with him because then he's not going to sit with you.
00:35:09.000 Like, let's get it out.
00:35:10.000 Are you mad at me?
00:35:11.000 My parents would always say that too if I was pissed off.
00:35:13.000 Are you in a huff?
00:35:15.000 Right.
00:35:16.000 And in Asia, they have face, right?
00:35:18.000 So they never say what the fuck's on their mind.
00:35:21.000 Even I would get fired from teaching jobs and I wouldn't be told why.
00:35:25.000 There'd just be my little tokens, because you got paid in tokens, that you would then get money for back at the Teaching English Center.
00:35:32.000 And you'd have to guess what offended them.
00:35:35.000 Yeah, they're chronically dishonest in regards to harmony.
00:35:43.000 Like in Japan, there's actually two words for it.
00:35:45.000 Hone is when you're at home and you can talk shit.
00:35:48.000 And then tatami is how you act in front of people.
00:35:52.000 So they actually acknowledge it.
00:35:54.000 There's words for it.
00:35:55.000 Yeah, I hate that.
00:35:56.000 I shouldn't have said Chinese.
00:35:56.000 Yeah, me too.
00:35:58.000 Asian.
00:35:59.000 I hate Asian culture.
00:36:02.000 I hate the food.
00:36:03.000 I hate the way they treat animals.
00:36:06.000 If it moves, it's food, is a common saying in China.
00:36:08.000 I lived there for a while, too.
00:36:09.000 I know what I'm talking about.
00:36:11.000 I hate saving face.
00:36:15.000 Yeah.
00:36:16.000 Yeah.
00:36:16.000 I'm not a fan of them either.
00:36:20.000 No, no.
00:36:20.000 I didn't say I don't like Asians.
00:36:22.000 I don't like Asians.
00:36:22.000 Here's the other thing I don't get.
00:36:25.000 Their civilization is 40,000-something years old, and they still have so much hocus-pocus bullshit voodoo crap about eating a bear's eye and fucking rubbing this on your feet will stop lung cancer.
00:36:41.000 Sometimes Westerners fall for it too, especially punk rockers.
00:36:44.000 Old punks like Ari up with the slits gets breast cancer, and what does she do?
00:36:48.000 Rub some fucking cream on her tits.
00:36:50.000 No, bitch, you gotta cut them off.
00:36:54.000 I would go with the cream.
00:36:57.000 I'm seeing a top herbalist.
00:36:58.000 Top herbalist in the country.
00:37:00.000 There's no such thing!
00:37:02.000 Is he friends with the top astrologist in the country?
00:37:06.000 That's about as handy.
00:37:08.000 Play that Chambawamba song before we get too far away from it.
00:37:23.000 Just give me your vote.
00:37:44.000 That's pretty cool.
00:37:46.000 Very political.
00:37:48.000 That other song, Get Knocked Down, doesn't really represent them at all, does it?
00:37:52.000 No, they're a very experimental band.
00:37:53.000 They had a big problem with that hit, because they were making millions all of a sudden, and it went against their anarchist sensibilities.
00:38:04.000 I mean, they donated a bunch of it, they didn't know what to do.
00:38:08.000 What a stupid problem to have.
00:38:10.000 Yeah.
00:38:10.000 Yeah.
00:38:11.000 Oh no.
00:38:12.000 Uh, the thing I was doing for 20 years finally struck.
00:38:16.000 All right.
00:38:17.000 So that's my weekend.
00:38:19.000 Uh, my friend's motorcycle fell apart.
00:38:23.000 I went to a boxing match that sucked.
00:38:26.000 Um, a lot of hanging out in bars this weekend because my mother-in-law's in town so I can just leave the house whenever I want.
00:38:34.000 What do you think of that?
00:38:35.000 I think that rules.
00:38:38.000 Hanging out with the dudes.
00:38:39.000 It's amazing.
00:38:40.000 I don't think my wife's kind of shy.
00:38:42.000 And that isn't good for your mental health.
00:38:48.000 Because you don't get anyone to talk to.
00:38:50.000 Uh oh.
00:38:53.000 That Generation X thing got shut down.
00:38:57.000 Say what?
00:38:57.000 What are you talking about?
00:39:02.000 We put up a video on my YouTube page.
00:39:04.000 Why?
00:39:04.000 Because BMG Records owns that song.
00:39:09.000 So I gotta demonetize it?
00:39:11.000 I think they're just... Oh yeah, demonetize it.
00:39:14.000 That should work.
00:39:14.000 This is my cover of a song.
00:39:16.000 No.
00:39:17.000 You know, it's funny.
00:39:18.000 It could be the video itself because...
00:39:20.000 The music is so low.
00:39:22.000 But I've also, we chopped the shape, so how would the algorithm recognize it?
00:39:26.000 Right.
00:39:27.000 Right.
00:39:28.000 Anyway.
00:39:29.000 That's a bummer.
00:39:30.000 It's only a matter of time before I'm shut down on YouTube.
00:39:32.000 Who are we kidding?
00:39:34.000 They are dying to do it.
00:39:35.000 I think what's going on here is the SPLC suit has shown that I'm litigious.
00:39:41.000 Because there hasn't been one negative article written about me since I've done that.
00:39:45.000 Because they know they're going to get sued.
00:39:48.000 And Twitter and Facebook, they've also been, and YouTube have been treading lightly too, because once we get Discovery, we're going to see all of this shaky business that goes on with the SPLC and Twitter and Facebook and YouTube, where they sort of strong-arm them into becoming the arbiters of what's acceptable.
00:40:11.000 Just like the mob, right?
00:40:13.000 Hey, there's gonna be some trouble at your restaurant unless you let me decide who can come in and who can't.
00:40:21.000 Okay, no problem.
00:40:23.000 And then he gets pinched and that restaurant's like, we're not gonna take protection from him anymore.
00:40:28.000 You know what, Sombars?
00:40:29.000 I was hanging out with an old cop on the weekend and nothing is better than an old cop.
00:40:35.000 I know what you're saying.
00:40:36.000 You're saying, what about a Vietnam vet?
00:40:38.000 Those guys don't talk.
00:40:40.000 They start sweating and punching the wall when you ask them about Vietnam.
00:40:46.000 Cops?
00:40:47.000 They'll tell you about a guy.
00:40:48.000 I heard a story from a cop.
00:40:49.000 He said this dude, he comes in, he shoots himself in the head because he knew he was going to jail.
00:40:55.000 He killed someone or something.
00:40:58.000 And he shoots himself in the head.
00:40:59.000 I go, what's your name?
00:41:01.000 He goes, Darren.
00:41:03.000 He goes, he could say his fucking name with a hole in his head.
00:41:05.000 I ain't never seen that before.
00:41:09.000 Did you know that you could talk when you have a hole in your head?
00:41:12.000 So, you know, I don't wanna get in shit, so I gotta start doing all the stuff.
00:41:15.000 You know, the all clear with the... the ka-chunk ka-chunk things.
00:41:19.000 And I'm trying to keep this guy alive, meanwhile he has a fucking hole in his head.
00:41:22.000 There's no way he's gonna live!
00:41:23.000 But you have to go through the motion.
00:41:25.000 And this fucker's talking to me.
00:41:26.000 He's talking about baseball, his kid, his foot... This guy's shooting the shit!
00:41:32.000 And he would've been the first guy in the history of humanity to walk away with a hole in his head.
00:41:37.000 What, he gave himself a fucking lobotomy?
00:41:39.000 So this cop was in the Harlem riots in the 60s and he said, and then I said, wait a minute, you're in Hell's Kitchen?
00:41:47.000 That's the second cop I met this week who was in Hell's Kitchen when the Westies were there.
00:41:51.000 And I'm reading a book about the Westies right now called Westies.
00:41:55.000 And he said, yeah.
00:41:57.000 And he said, what, what the Westies would do is they would start a fight.
00:42:00.000 They'd fight each other in a bar.
00:42:03.000 And then the third Westie would come and say, Hey, I noticed there was a fight here.
00:42:08.000 I can make sure that never happens again.
00:42:10.000 Oh, great.
00:42:12.000 So they wouldn't like smash your window or anything.
00:42:14.000 They would be the bad guys.
00:42:15.000 And basically they'd say, I'll get rid of me if you pay me money.
00:42:19.000 So he, as a detective, he goes, we know who did this.
00:42:22.000 Let's start, you know, prosecuting them or it's just going to keep going.
00:42:26.000 And the bartender goes, no, thank you.
00:42:28.000 And he just closed down the bar forever.
00:42:29.000 Wow.
00:42:31.000 Cause even paying the extortion, you're now in bed with the Westies.
00:42:36.000 Someone's going to die.
00:42:37.000 Someone's going to get shot.
00:42:38.000 They'll kill anyone.
00:42:40.000 You show them a picture of their kids.
00:42:41.000 They say, go ahead.
00:42:42.000 Fuck it.
00:42:43.000 I don't give a shit.
00:42:43.000 Kill them all.
00:42:45.000 So the Italians, eventually the Italians go, I can't, we can't deal with these guys anymore.
00:42:49.000 We can't scare them.
00:42:51.000 So they ended up using them as hit men because they were so ruthless.
00:42:55.000 They would just kill anyone for money.
00:42:57.000 Hmm.
00:43:00.000 Fucking crazy times.
00:43:02.000 This is only- I'm going back as late as the 90s too.
00:43:07.000 Like they were around, I think from the beginning of New York, right?
00:43:10.000 Hell's Kitchen.
00:43:11.000 I think Charles Dickens came up with that name, but all those Irish gangs that came over and gangs in New York, right?
00:43:17.000 During the industrial revolution, 1800s.
00:43:20.000 And I, I don't think they're around anymore, but I, that was right up until the early nineties.
00:43:26.000 They were still going with impunity, murdering people, killing guys who bumped into their car that no one would speak a word to the police.
00:43:36.000 And they eventually got shut down.
00:43:38.000 Alright, should we do the Mailbag?
00:43:43.000 Do I put that in post?
00:43:45.000 No.
00:43:46.000 Didn't I email you all the Mailbag songs?
00:43:51.000 You did.
00:43:51.000 The Mailbag.
00:43:54.000 Let's play them all.
00:43:55.000 Alright.
00:43:56.000 And we'll decide which ones.
00:44:00.000 By the way, another thing about my motorbike.
00:44:03.000 I took my daughter to her friend's house.
00:44:05.000 No highway driving.
00:44:07.000 But I think it's very important as a parent to allot alone time.
00:44:11.000 It doesn't have to be very much.
00:44:14.000 Like walk the dog with one boy.
00:44:17.000 One day another boy and the other day take the girl on a motorcycle ride to her friends.
00:44:22.000 Just even if you know you're obviously not talking very much on a motorbike.
00:44:25.000 But it's really important to establish that alone time with your kid.
00:44:30.000 And it opens a door for a secret.
00:44:34.000 Say something terrible happened to her and she didn't want to bring it up.
00:44:37.000 Well you're having fries with her at the park.
00:44:40.000 Alone and all of a sudden it's going to come out.
00:44:42.000 Yeah, this girl poured pee on my head or something.
00:44:44.000 That didn't happen to my daughter.
00:44:46.000 I'm just saying that sometimes, you know, kids don't want to bring up something at a table with the whole family sitting there.
00:44:52.000 So you constantly have to get them alone and sort of go, anything terrible going on?
00:44:57.000 I came up with this idea with the kids too.
00:44:59.000 I said, took them to the furnace room and I said, look, this room is a magic room.
00:45:05.000 And if you tell me something here, we can't punish you.
00:45:08.000 It's like a sanctuary.
00:45:10.000 So you could have murdered someone and say, Hey, you know that thing in the news about the masked children who've been stabbing people in the neck and taking their money?
00:45:19.000 That's me and my gang.
00:45:20.000 And I'd say, Oh, uh, well, I'm scared of you now.
00:45:24.000 And, uh, let's start formulating a plan to, uh, keep me safe from you and your psychotic gang.
00:45:31.000 But it, it didn't work.
00:45:34.000 It might be because we store all the Halloween stuff in the furnace room.
00:45:38.000 So as I'm talking and saying this is a safe space, there's an 18-foot ghoul with skeleton hands hanging on the wall behind me, and then like 40 gravestones, and we really go nuts for Halloween.
00:45:55.000 Yeah, that was a good time last year, too.
00:45:57.000 That was a fun one.
00:45:58.000 Well, I can't recommend enough making your monsters a race.
00:46:03.000 Yes.
00:46:04.000 I think I want to do black dudes.
00:46:07.000 Because... A black zombie is terrifying.
00:46:09.000 A black zombie is scarier than a white zombie.
00:46:11.000 Especially if he has, like, white face.
00:46:13.000 Because you're just not expecting it.
00:46:15.000 It's confusing.
00:46:16.000 And Asians in white face?
00:46:19.000 I don't know why, but it's really weird.
00:46:21.000 It's fucked up.
00:46:22.000 It's fucked up.
00:46:22.000 So it's doubly confusing.
00:46:24.000 Remember when we first started scaring them?
00:46:26.000 I was a werewolf and you were a zombie and you go, this isn't working.
00:46:30.000 They know we're people.
00:46:31.000 Yeah.
00:46:32.000 They're not scared of just, we have to scare them with a jump scare.
00:46:35.000 Yeah.
00:46:35.000 You'd have to be three years old to think a werewolf exists.
00:46:38.000 Yeah.
00:46:38.000 And then that's just cruel.
00:46:40.000 Yeah, no one wants to scare a three-year-old.
00:46:43.000 So the second you're old enough to not think it's real is when you can't be scared.
00:46:50.000 So by definition, dressing up as a werewolf is idiotic.
00:46:55.000 Unless you're at an adult party and it's just a joke.
00:46:58.000 But you're either scaring a child or you're not scaring a grown-up.
00:47:03.000 So then we did, and we talked about this on the old show, then we did something and it's the only way to do Halloween properly.
00:47:10.000 I wear a nice yellow, canary yellow sweater, V-neck sweater with a dress shirt on underneath and my hair is combed to the side perfectly.
00:47:21.000 And I have on slacks like Mr. Rogers and my candy.
00:47:25.000 And I say, hi,
00:47:28.000 Come on in, how are you?
00:47:30.000 Super nice and quiet.
00:47:32.000 And that adds tension, right?
00:47:34.000 This guy is fucking freaky.
00:47:36.000 And then I go, here, let's get you some candy.
00:47:39.000 And I sort of have a catatonic stare, too, that sort of drifts away, like I'm mentally ill.
00:47:46.000 Hey, there you go, there you go.
00:47:47.000 And then I had a code word with Ryan that was like, thanks for coming.
00:47:51.000 And then he comes barging out of the side door with his white makeup on.
00:47:56.000 And what were you wearing?
00:47:56.000 Oh yeah, a suit that was ripped to shreds.
00:48:02.000 That was on the show.
00:48:06.000 The following show that we shot, we aired the footage.
00:48:11.000 Where could we find that?
00:48:12.000 We'll put it up.
00:48:17.000 I was a ghoul.
00:48:18.000 You know that suit?
00:48:20.000 When I was working for Anthony Cumia, I had all my suits at the studio.
00:48:25.000 And then I brought them all home when I went to my new job.
00:48:28.000 And then I was going through my suits and I found, oh shit, there's one of Anthony Cumia's suits.
00:48:31.000 Probably like a $700 suit.
00:48:34.000 And I kept forgetting to give it back to him.
00:48:37.000 And then on Halloween I thought, I might as well just rip up this suit.
00:48:40.000 So you were wearing a $700 Armani suit.
00:48:44.000 Gee, it was torn up with fake blood.
00:48:49.000 Sorry Ant Fellow millionaires can do that to one another but when you have a broke kid from the Bronx just wearing that thing I don't want to be in the middle of your millionaire prank.
00:49:01.000 He wouldn't give two fucks.
00:49:02.000 Oh really?
00:49:03.000 No.
00:49:04.000 Although like when Big A came over to his house and sat on his chair and broke it he was really pissed off.
00:49:10.000 Because it was the seventh time it happened that day.
00:49:12.000 And he brought up a good point.
00:49:13.000 He goes, how is this different than a fucking junkie coming over and wrecking my house?
00:49:18.000 Right.
00:49:19.000 Like he's addicted to food.
00:49:20.000 Right.
00:49:21.000 So he's this big fat pig who's addicted to food and he broke my fucking chair and it's his addiction that broke my chair.
00:49:27.000 How is that different than a junkie coming over and barfing on my couch?
00:49:29.000 Poor Big A. What do you mean poor Big A?
00:49:33.000 He broke his chair.
00:49:34.000 That's true.
00:49:36.000 Um, alright, so let's play the music for Mailbag.
00:49:39.000 The Mailbag music number one by Roy.
00:49:47.000 Could you take longer, please?
00:49:48.000 Taking a second to, uh, load.
00:49:50.000 Load?
00:49:50.000 Yeah.
00:49:51.000 It's an email I sent you last week.
00:49:53.000 I just clicked the button, now it disappeared.
00:49:54.000 Look at this!
00:49:55.000 What's happening?
00:49:56.000 Well, click it on the email.
00:49:57.000 Here's the other one.
00:50:01.000 What's the matter with your shit, dude?
00:50:03.000 Now it's frozen.
00:50:04.000 Now it's just frozen.
00:50:07.000 Wait, wait.
00:50:08.000 Okay, this one's working now.
00:50:08.000 All right, I'm gonna cut this out.
00:50:13.000 I'm gonna kill you.
00:50:14.000 I understand.
00:50:15.000 All right, don't cut it out.
00:50:18.000 Just leave it there.
00:50:18.000 Okay.
00:50:19.000 And tell me when those fucking things are ready.
00:50:22.000 Okay.
00:50:23.000 But we can't start, um... Without the jingle, yeah.
00:50:27.000 That's the kinda... Are you seeing this here?
00:50:30.000 Am I seeing what?
00:50:32.000 I mean, I clicked on the thing and now it just disappeared.
00:50:35.000 Okay, so now I'm going to double click it so it pops out.
00:50:38.000 It's frozen.
00:50:40.000 I think you got to give it a second.
00:50:44.000 Before we go to the mailbag, let's make sure I've covered everything in the news.
00:50:51.000 Yeah, we got it.
00:50:53.000 The shooting.
00:50:53.000 Oh, then there was Kanye West had some big crazy Coachella Sunday service where he's selling $250 sweatshirts and acting like Jesus Christ in Jesus Christ Superstar and having people surround him like he's the Messiah.
00:51:10.000 That's awesome.
00:51:11.000 Yeah, I liked it.
00:51:12.000 And DMX was in it too.
00:51:13.000 It's like, yo, we got to repent!
00:51:17.000 That was him.
00:51:18.000 Good!
00:51:19.000 If you have money and influence, what better way to use it than, um, than, uh, doing something fucking crazy?
00:51:30.000 And Christian.
00:51:31.000 Nicholas Cage's wife of four days wants spousal support.
00:51:36.000 She is super.
00:51:37.000 Nicholas Cage's wives are always smoke shows.
00:51:41.000 He's got a new movie that came out that went under the radar called Mandy.
00:51:45.000 And it looks crazy, crazy different and very cool.
00:51:50.000 What's it about?
00:51:52.000 Uh, it's like a horror revenge movie.
00:51:54.000 Like a, like a, yeah, like a, like a sci-fi, like thriller.
00:52:02.000 Huh.
00:52:02.000 And it's really stylistic.
00:52:05.000 Kind of like, kind of like an, um, evil dead meets, um,
00:52:12.000 Another movie.
00:52:13.000 What the fuck?
00:52:13.000 Look, alimony was invented...
00:52:30.000 For the Italian Nona who's making the spaghetti sauce every day and has no other skills, then you dump her and she's going to starve to death.
00:52:40.000 So you say, look, you raised my children.
00:52:43.000 You were too busy doing that to, to learn any skills.
00:52:48.000 Women aren't that employable.
00:52:51.000 Here's some money.
00:52:52.000 That makes sense.
00:52:52.000 Now women are equally employable.
00:52:54.000 In fact, with affirmative action, they're more employable in many cases.
00:52:57.000 Women make more money than men before they have kids, by the by.
00:53:01.000 While you're talking about all this fucking inequality bullshit.
00:53:04.000 Yeah, there's inequality against men.
00:53:06.000 Women are more successful than men until they have kids.
00:53:09.000 In other words, until they choose to stay home over working.
00:53:14.000 In other words, women get whatever the fuck they want.
00:53:19.000 But the idea of getting spousal support when you don't have any kids together and you've been married for four days, I think we've bastardized it a tiny bit.
00:53:26.000 And the only thing more bastardized, can you, not you Ryan, you're too young, but I say this to dad sometimes, can you imagine being in court and sitting there as the judge discusses how much alimony your wife should pay you?
00:53:45.000 How embarrassing would that be?
00:53:50.000 And she's sitting there going, what the fuck?
00:53:52.000 Like the Bethany Frankel?
00:53:55.000 That skinny margaritas chick?
00:53:58.000 Her husband was in finance, but because she got, I don't know what, a hundred million dollars for skinny girl margaritas?
00:54:05.000 He gets spousal support.
00:54:08.000 Hmm.
00:54:09.000 So he's sitting there getting checks.
00:54:10.000 For what?
00:54:11.000 How far away from the spaghetti sauce origins have we gone when you think you have to- some chick has to pay you because she made a lot of money on margaritas?
00:54:23.000 What the fuck are we talking about?
00:54:27.000 I don't think I could hang out with someone who was getting alimony from a woman.
00:54:32.000 I'd call him Margaritaville.
00:54:33.000 I'd just be like, hey Margaritaville.
00:54:36.000 Wow, that joke was so bad.
00:54:39.000 It made me sad.
00:54:44.000 Like you know if you ever see a I saw a little kid once with one leg and he's hopping around with a sort of a crutch and I just thought I have every problem I've ever had we just shrank to nothing as that guy hopped around at a birthday party and I did feel and I know they don't want this right he doesn't want me to feel sorry for him but yeah sorry it's impossible not to feel a little bit sad
00:55:07.000 And that's how I felt when you said that stupid fucking Margaritaville joke.
00:55:10.000 I thought you were going to say that was funnier than your joke.
00:55:15.000 I felt kind of hurt.
00:55:17.000 Like I would imagine, say there was a guy with a really severe, you know, facial deformity.
00:55:22.000 Yeah.
00:55:23.000 And he really liked a girl and he asked her to prom and she said no.
00:55:26.000 And he, it looked like she was going to say yes because they were friends, but then he realizes in that one moment that they've always just been friends and she's not interested in him in that way.
00:55:35.000 And the feeling that he would feel when she said no, that's exactly how you made me feel with that shitty joke.
00:55:42.000 Like a hurt, disfigured high school man.
00:55:45.000 It wasn't personal, it's retardation.
00:55:49.000 I'd call him Margaritaville?
00:55:52.000 What does that even mean?
00:55:53.000 Margaritaville's a successful resort.
00:55:57.000 Yeah, but he's rich off Margaritaville.
00:55:59.000 So be like, what are you, you know, Margaritaville?
00:56:03.000 I'm gonna come over to your house, the house that Margarita's built.
00:56:06.000 Who's the guy who, Jimmy Buffett?
00:56:08.000 Maybe you could, a better joke would be, I'd call him Jimmy Buffett.
00:56:11.000 That guy got rich off of Margaritaville.
00:56:14.000 Yeah, that's true.
00:56:15.000 Oh, fuck.
00:56:16.000 I guess I felt bad because we're sort of business partners.
00:56:20.000 And I just sort of, this is like a large part of my company is you.
00:56:26.000 So you just suck.
00:56:27.000 You just saw like a mole, like you've been dating a girl for like a week and you saw like just a huge mole with 19 hairs popping out of it.
00:56:34.000 Like that's it.
00:56:35.000 That's a terrible analogy.
00:56:37.000 No one misses a fucking mole on their face.
00:56:39.000 You're making it worse.
00:56:39.000 Not on the back.
00:56:40.000 I felt like DeGrom, how the coach must have felt when DeGrom started sucking after that contract.
00:56:45.000 Yeah, I sort of understand now.
00:56:48.000 What's really going on here is...
00:56:50.000 I'm depressed because I see, you know, another maybe year of shitty jokes like that.
00:56:57.000 So that's sad.
00:56:58.000 It's not personal.
00:56:59.000 So if you redid that comedy set at that guitar store, you'd just look out and you'd see a bunch of sad people.
00:57:06.000 Some would be crying.
00:57:07.000 I think it was.
00:57:08.000 It's like the opposite of comedy.
00:57:11.000 You make people cry.
00:57:12.000 That's not good.
00:57:14.000 Alright, do you have the songs ready yet, Mr. iTunes?
00:57:17.000 I do.
00:57:31.000 That's pretty good.
00:57:35.000 We've been working on the intro to the show and it combines sort of 80s punk and New York in the 80s with The Clash and hip-hop and Vincent Gallo and I Shot Andy Warhol and lots of ghetto blasters and stuff.
00:57:47.000 That's the aesthetic for the show.
00:57:49.000 That's a little more hardcore, obviously, than punk, but that's possible.
00:57:54.000 Let's hear the other one.
00:57:57.000 At some point today.
00:58:01.000 Remember how hard I laughed at that the first time?
00:58:10.000 Yeah well it's funny that you... I'm under pressure.
00:58:12.000 You fucked it up.
00:58:14.000 Yeah.
00:58:14.000 So it's a song talking about how much you suck and you fucked it up because you suck.
00:58:19.000 Right.
00:58:20.000 Perfect actually.
00:58:21.000 One more time?
00:58:22.000 Yeah so we can hear it!
00:58:24.000 Ryan, shut up, you don't have a dad.
00:58:29.000 Let's turn our eyes to Gavin's mailbag.
00:58:34.000 Do you hear the influence in there?
00:58:36.000 I love that, by the way.
00:58:37.000 It's gotta be We Might Be Giants.
00:58:40.000 Sonically, yes, but I fought the law, but the law won.
00:58:43.000 You hear that?
00:58:46.000 Ryan, shut up, you don't have a dad.
00:58:51.000 Let's turn our eyes to Gavin's mailbag.
00:58:56.000 Breaking rocks in the hot sun, I fought the law and the law... I don't hear it.
00:59:03.000 But da da da, da da da da, but the law won.
00:59:10.000 If you had been taken over by an alien who sucked and he was just in your body, I wouldn't know.
00:59:16.000 Hey aliens, if there's anyone in outer space who wants to take over someone's skin and you're kind of a shitty person as an alien, take this guy.
00:59:25.000 No one will notice.
00:59:28.000 No one will go, Hey, why did Ryan become so shitty?
00:59:30.000 Cause he's so shitty already.
00:59:32.000 Somebody would have to have recognized it at some point.
00:59:37.000 Nope.
00:59:38.000 Maybe you'd be fucking your girlfriend and he'd accidentally say something like, your tits are way better than Zorg's.
00:59:46.000 And she'd go, wait a minute, who's Zorg?
00:59:47.000 I mean, Earth, another Earth chick that's hot.
00:59:52.000 Jenny?
00:59:52.000 I don't know.
00:59:53.000 You said Zorg.
00:59:55.000 I was so convinced my parents were aliens when I was a little kid.
00:59:58.000 No.
00:59:58.000 That I didn't want to bring it up because I love them.
01:00:01.000 Wow.
01:00:02.000 And I didn't want Zorf to say, you have screwed up your mission.
01:00:05.000 You have been identified by the boy.
01:00:07.000 You will now be coming back to Zaldar.
01:00:10.000 So, I pretended that they were earthlings and I'd say like, hello mom, person of earth that's perfectly reasonable and was born here and grew up with other earthlings, that it's normal.
01:00:22.000 Wow, I didn't know, how, what age were you?
01:00:26.000 Like seven.
01:00:27.000 That's pretty old for thinking your parents are aliens.
01:00:30.000 Well, they had those weird accents and weird customs and stuff.
01:00:32.000 Oh, I see, I see, I see.
01:00:33.000 Wore tartan.
01:00:35.000 You know, it's funny that, like, Zorg, Zoltar, they're all Z names.
01:00:39.000 Like, I think... You know, like, the English language... This is gonna be good.
01:00:43.000 I guess Z is, like, the most alien letter.
01:00:49.000 We should change the name of the show to Ryan's Funeral Service.
01:00:58.000 Yay!
01:01:00.000 Um...
01:01:02.000 And then another time we were on, I think we, you remember in that, well, this is probably before your time, but sometimes you'd be smoking pot or something in the eighties or nineties and someone will go, Oh, I think there's PCP in this.
01:01:13.000 That would happen all the time.
01:01:15.000 So you'd be on PCP like twice a year and you're up for two days.
01:01:21.000 But one of those times I was on PCP and I was an alien.
01:01:26.000 And I didn't want anyone to know.
01:01:29.000 So we were at, after the bar, we used to always go to the same pizza place for a late night slice.
01:01:35.000 And, uh, one of the times Jonathan Cummins, who was the guitarist for the Doughboys, um, one time they were playing a show in Calgary and this old man sees their name on the marquee and he goes, who are the Doug H boys?
01:01:52.000 But one time, John and I ordered fries.
01:01:55.000 No, John ordered fries, and the guy said, hey, hey, you!
01:01:57.000 And he gave me John's fries, and I thought, well, I'm not fucking saying no to free fries.
01:02:01.000 So I took them and ate them.
01:02:03.000 And then John, who lived in Quebec, this is Montreal, where everyone has to speak French, he didn't speak a fucking word of French, which is so weird there.
01:02:12.000 It's like living in Tokyo and not speaking any Japanese.
01:02:16.000 But even weirder than that, because you could probably teach English in Tokyo if you didn't speak Japanese.
01:02:20.000 No one in Quebec wants to learn English.
01:02:22.000 And I remember he was so fucking mad that I was giving his fries and he said to the guy, Hey, dude!
01:02:28.000 Qu'est-ce que fuck avec my fries?
01:02:31.000 What does that mean?
01:02:33.000 Keska means what?
01:02:35.000 Keska fuck is not an expression.
01:02:37.000 And then a veck is with.
01:02:40.000 So keska fuck a veck my fries.
01:02:43.000 Keska fuck a veck.
01:02:44.000 What did Daniel, uh...
01:02:46.000 Shut up, Brian.
01:02:51.000 Anyway, I was at that same pizza place and I was trying to blend in with the Earthlings and I walked in and I go, hello everyone, how are you?
01:02:58.000 Ah, we're ordering wheat plates with synthetic cheese on them and mashed up tomatoes.
01:03:05.000 I'd like one of these discs.
01:03:07.000 Excuse me, sir, can I have a slice of one of these large wheat plates with the cheese and the tomatoes on it, please?
01:03:14.000 And then they gave me a wheat plate, and I'm eating the pizza slice and it's just falling out of my mouth as I chew because I don't have a body.
01:03:21.000 It was like a robot, how a robot would eat pizza.
01:03:26.000 Just desperately trying to blend in with everything.
01:03:28.000 Okay, is there one more Mailbag song?
01:03:31.000 Ryan, shut up, we don't have a dad.
01:03:37.000 Not the dad and bag rhyme, but whatever.
01:03:40.000 Uh, no.
01:03:42.000 That's the two that I got.
01:03:43.000 Nope, I sent you three.
01:03:45.000 Well, I got two.
01:03:46.000 I sent you three, buddy.
01:03:49.000 I looked up and down and around.
01:03:51.000 Well, email shouldn't be in that many directions.
01:03:54.000 That's a good point.
01:03:58.000 I feel bad about the hardcore dude.
01:04:00.000 Cause he worked so hard.
01:04:02.000 He didn't get his time to sh- Well, here we go.
01:04:05.000 You got the other one?
01:04:10.000 Well, I felt bad for him because we didn't play it as much as the other guys.
01:04:10.000 Where'd he play that?
01:04:15.000 What?
01:04:16.000 No.
01:04:16.000 And there's another one in there, dude.
01:04:20.000 Okay, um... Ryan, shut up, you don't have a dad.
01:04:28.000 I've been checking out this really cool dude on YouTube who's a Slovenian philosopher named Zinkel?
01:04:39.000 Zinkle?
01:04:40.000 Is he from space?
01:04:42.000 He has a Z in his name.
01:04:45.000 Oh, I got it!
01:04:47.000 Wait.
01:04:49.000 No, I don't.
01:04:51.000 No, I see two here, man.
01:04:53.000 Well, why'd you say you got it?
01:04:55.000 Because it's the same one, but it looked different.
01:04:58.000 Hold on, I gotta find you this fucking super genius.
01:05:02.000 Yeah, it's um...
01:05:05.000 It's Jordan Peterson and Zizek.
01:05:09.000 Z-I-Z-E-K.
01:05:12.000 Zizek.
01:05:13.000 Zizek.
01:05:15.000 And he's got, like, he does this whole lecture on toilets.
01:05:19.000 He says, you can tell very much about different places on the most seemingly most innocuous things.
01:05:26.000 For example, toilets.
01:05:27.000 As you travel the world, you see that every country has very different toilets.
01:05:31.000 I mean, in China, they just sit and shit.
01:05:34.000 In Germany, there's sort of a plateau.
01:05:38.000 Where the shit stays before it's flushed.
01:05:41.000 So you can check, you know, its texture and its smell before you... And then in more Anglo-Saxon countries like France, the shit just disappears into the water to get it over with.
01:05:51.000 And it shows how they feel about their health and their life.
01:05:55.000 You ever been- Have you never been to China, right?
01:05:57.000 No.
01:05:59.000 I just look like a- I have been there.
01:06:01.000 That'd be funny if a stranger came up to you on the street and said, Hey, have you, uh, ever been to China?
01:06:06.000 You know that street in China?
01:06:07.000 Like he just skips the have you been?
01:06:08.000 Oh.
01:06:11.000 Um.
01:06:12.000 Yeah, it's just a hole on the ground.
01:06:14.000 You sit and squat and there's no stalls.
01:06:17.000 So you're literally six inches from a man whose shit is crackling out his butthole and landing into the thing right next to you.
01:06:26.000 Crackling is a great- Oh, fuck!
01:06:28.000 And they're always filthy with shit everywhere.
01:06:31.000 Bro, that looks bad.
01:06:33.000 Yeah, like even the nice ones are just a hole in the floor.
01:06:36.000 There's no divider.
01:06:36.000 It's probably better for your body to squat down that low, that's why I use a squatty potty.
01:06:41.000 But I still, and it fucking reeks unimaginably.
01:06:45.000 I'm actually, I can feel my gag reflex sort of...
01:06:48.000 Getting a boner right now?
01:06:50.000 Like becoming engorged?
01:06:51.000 Yes.
01:06:52.000 Because sometimes you'll take a... Sometimes you'll take a piss and you'll be pissing on a shit.
01:07:01.000 I like words like that.
01:07:02.000 Pissing on a stranger's shit.
01:07:04.000 There's one with just blood.
01:07:10.000 It's probably explosive diarrhea somehow linked to tomatoes or something.
01:07:13.000 Dude, how much disease?
01:07:15.000 What if you slip in your butthole?
01:07:17.000 What if you slip and your butthole touches a lady?
01:07:19.000 Like Norman, what if you slip in your butthole?
01:07:21.000 She touches a lady, she says, hey, did you just take a shit?
01:07:24.000 There's blood everywhere.
01:07:28.000 Okay.
01:07:33.000 Shall I read you some mail?
01:07:35.000 Yes.
01:07:39.000 Hello, Gavin Ryan.
01:07:40.000 Glad to see the boy wonder Ryan has become a mainstay on the show.
01:07:42.000 A lot of us sidekick types relate to his adult boyishness.
01:07:46.000 Okay?
01:07:47.000 Yesterday I went to a local theater to see the newly restored seven and a half hour film, Russian film, War and Peace.
01:07:53.000 At the height of the Cold War, the Soviet film industry set out to prove it could outdo Hollywood with a production that would dazzle the world.
01:08:00.000 It's a cinematic masterpiece.
01:08:02.000 Parts of this film used thousands of soldiers on screen at the same time to pull off giant battle scenes before CGI existed.
01:08:10.000 There's no way this film from the 60s Russia could be made the same way.
01:08:15.000 Somewhere I read it would take about 700 million dollars to make today.
01:08:19.000 Millions of Soviets with an unlimited budget because Russia doesn't give a fuck.
01:08:24.000 They are coming and they will fucking win.
01:08:26.000 That's how they won World War II, by the way.
01:08:28.000 Just with sheer...
01:08:30.000 Humanity.
01:08:32.000 Men without guns.
01:08:32.000 I heard the front line for the Russians was as long as New York to Florida.
01:08:38.000 I think they lost 60 million men in that war.
01:08:42.000 And many of them didn't have shoes or guns.
01:08:45.000 And the Germans just went insane killing them from the guilt of just shooting unarmed men.
01:08:54.000 As much as as Russia's in the news right now, it seems like I should be freaked out, right?
01:08:58.000 They are coming, right?
01:08:59.000 Along with the Nazis and the KKK marching down Main Street, right?
01:09:03.000 I live in modern world.
01:09:04.000 That's what I hear all day.
01:09:04.000 This guy's insane.
01:09:08.000 So I got in my car and started driving.
01:09:10.000 I spotted this guy and he sent me a picture of a man with a baby in a backpack.
01:09:14.000 You know the babies you put on your front?
01:09:17.000 And he's on a scooter.
01:09:19.000 An electric scooter.
01:09:21.000 And he's riding now with his baby in his little backpack.
01:09:24.000 And he said, then I thought, if these monsters are coming, this is how we prepare?
01:09:28.000 Scooting around town?
01:09:30.000 Taking away our plastic straws?
01:09:31.000 Tweeting?
01:09:32.000 Cutting wounds in our taints?
01:09:34.000 We are doomed.
01:09:36.000 We cut wounds?
01:09:36.000 Oh, he means like having a sex change.
01:09:38.000 Yeah, I was thinking that today, weird letter writer.
01:09:42.000 We are really at a weak peak.
01:09:46.000 We are pussies and all of this things like I felt unsafe.
01:09:50.000 I heard someone left a bar recently because they saw me there and they were Jewish and they felt unsafe.
01:09:55.000 Now outside of politics, could you be a bigger fucking pussy please?
01:09:59.000 And all of this political correctness.
01:10:00.000 That guy I was just talking about, Zizek, talks about political correctness and how
01:10:06.000 When you make really horrible jokes, it brings people together.
01:10:10.000 Offending people is actually a form of kindness.
01:10:13.000 And he talked about a book signing he was at with these two black guys.
01:10:17.000 And they came over to have their book signed that he wrote.
01:10:21.000 And as he's handing it to them, he goes, I don't know which one this is for.
01:10:24.000 All you black people look the same to me.
01:10:26.000 And they both laughed their head off.
01:10:28.000 And that was them bonding.
01:10:30.000 They had a bonding moment because of that.
01:10:34.000 But all this political correctness is just weakness.
01:10:37.000 It's people scared.
01:10:38.000 You should be offended.
01:10:39.000 I'm offended all day.
01:10:40.000 You should be.
01:10:41.000 That's what's great about boxing.
01:10:42.000 You fight.
01:10:43.000 You confront people.
01:10:48.000 Someone's asking me what books I read right now.
01:10:50.000 I'm reading a book about the Westies.
01:10:51.000 That's boring.
01:10:54.000 Gavin, you told a joke in the last pod about Ryan's debt, and Ryan told you that you said $12,000.
01:10:58.000 You didn't.
01:10:58.000 You said $1,200.
01:11:00.000 You definitely executed the joke correctly.
01:11:02.000 I don't think he understands what $1,200 is.
01:11:03.000 I do.
01:11:04.000 Okay, it's $1,200.
01:11:04.000 Yes, that's true.
01:11:05.000 I did not say $12,000.
01:11:07.000 Whoops.
01:11:07.000 What else have we got?
01:11:18.000 I should maybe... I try to weed these, but they all seem pretty good.
01:11:24.000 I got one.
01:11:26.000 Okay, what do you got?
01:11:29.000 Dear Gav, I've been on and off snorting heroin for the past two years and I'm finally at wit's end.
01:11:35.000 Your podcast has been the only thing that's kept me sane during this withdrawal.
01:11:38.000 Can't thank you enough for what you do.
01:11:39.000 I'm sure you've seen this sort of thing before.
01:11:41.000 Do you have any advice for withdrawal in the early days of sobriety?
01:11:44.000 I want this to be the last time I go through this.
01:11:46.000 Remember, I like you more than a friend.
01:11:48.000 Okay, I've got great advice for all ex-junkies.
01:11:51.000 You have to quit absolutely everything.
01:11:54.000 I've lost 12 people to heroin, and in almost every case, they were killed by a beer.
01:12:03.000 Budweiser kills more junkies than anyone.
01:12:07.000 They quit for a year, their tolerance goes way down, they go to a bachelor party, they go, oh fuck, I can have one beer, it's not gonna kill me.
01:12:14.000 Then they have a beer, then they have two beers, three beers, four beers, five beers, then someone gets coke.
01:12:19.000 And they go, yeah, I'll do a bump.
01:12:21.000 Now they've done, and they haven't had a buzz in a year, and they remember how much they like it.
01:12:26.000 Now Satan starts to fly in from down below.
01:12:30.000 He starts to fly up.
01:12:32.000 And they go, let's get some smack.
01:12:35.000 And they do.
01:12:36.000 He still has the number.
01:12:38.000 And then he does a big dose.
01:12:40.000 A dose that was about the size of what he did back when he had a $350 a day habit.
01:12:45.000 Can you believe these guys somehow come up with $350 a day?
01:12:50.000 That boggles the mind.
01:12:51.000 If you could only have saved that, you'd be making, what, $60,000 a year?
01:12:57.000 Anyway, um...
01:13:00.000 Wait a minute, let's just do that math, shall we?
01:13:01.000 350 times 365 equals 127 grand!
01:13:05.000 Very good salary!
01:13:06.000 Anyway, um...
01:13:16.000 Yeah, then they OD because they're doing a dosage back from their crazy days.
01:13:21.000 It happens again and again and again.
01:13:23.000 You can't take pills, you can't take opi- you can't even- and don't get a prescription to sleeping pills or anything.
01:13:29.000 Once you've gone down the heroin route, there's no turning back.
01:13:33.000 This is a guy named Dude Duderson.
01:13:36.000 Hey, I'm listening to the show since episode one, thought I'd bring up my dad.
01:13:39.000 You went to school with him in Kanata, Ontario.
01:13:41.000 Now he's a deadbeat opiate benzo addict.
01:13:45.000 I want to say thank you, Gavin, for all the lessons that he never taught me.
01:13:48.000 Also, what'd you do to a junkie family member?
01:13:50.000 He's been to rehab three times, never stays clean, owes my stepfather $250,000.
01:13:57.000 Thanks like you guys want them.
01:13:58.000 Here's my advice to people who are associating with people who do heroin.
01:14:03.000 Cut them loose.
01:14:04.000 Cut them free.
01:14:05.000 They are fucking liars.
01:14:07.000 They're not themselves.
01:14:07.000 It's almost like Alzheimer's.
01:14:10.000 You know when someone dies and they had Alzheimer's and the son won't be crying?
01:14:15.000 And you'll go, you seem pretty okay with it.
01:14:17.000 And he'll say, she actually died two years ago.
01:14:21.000 I mean, how is someone with Alzheimer's different from someone who's dead?
01:14:24.000 They're just, it's just a body.
01:14:26.000 They're a ghost.
01:14:28.000 People with severe dementia and Alzheimer's don't recognize their kids.
01:14:31.000 That's just a ghost.
01:14:32.000 I'm sorry.
01:14:33.000 Time to go.
01:14:34.000 If you play music, they wake up.
01:14:36.000 No, sometimes they can recognize old music from back when they were young.
01:14:42.000 But that's still a ghost in the machine.
01:14:45.000 The person is not there.
01:14:47.000 Machine.
01:14:47.000 And it's the same with junkies.
01:14:49.000 They're not there.
01:14:50.000 They're not themselves.
01:14:51.000 They're fucking liars.
01:14:52.000 They're never going to pay you back.
01:14:54.000 Ever.
01:14:55.000 The drug has taken over, and remember we were talking about this a long time ago, Ryan, about how whenever we talk about Satan, it's usually just a metaphor, and it means evil, or sin, or vice, or temptation or something.
01:15:09.000 But when it comes to heroin, I get less metaphorical, and I'm basically talking about a fucking demon.
01:15:15.000 A demon who takes over your body and makes you... These guys would watch their mother drown.
01:15:15.000 Yeah.
01:15:21.000 They've lost all their humanity.
01:15:23.000 Yeah, it does the same thing to different people.
01:15:26.000 No matter who you are, it'll do the same thing.
01:15:28.000 So, it's weird.
01:15:30.000 It is like a character.
01:15:31.000 You have taken on the character of...
01:15:34.000 It subsumes your personality and you lose your personality.
01:15:37.000 They say that if you could lock ten people in a hotel and feed them booze every day, all day, where they had to drink a half a bottle of bourbon every day, after those ten days, the nine out of ten would go, I am never looking at a bottle of bourbon ever again, I'm gonna dry heave if you say the word, and one of them would become a severe alcoholic.
01:15:56.000 Conversely,
01:15:58.000 If you did the same thing with heroin, only one of them would go, I gotta go to rehab.
01:16:02.000 That was fucking brutal.
01:16:04.000 And the other nine would become heroin addicts.
01:16:07.000 Do you think really one would be able to emerge?
01:16:10.000 That's tough.
01:16:11.000 That's a study I heard.
01:16:12.000 This is a fashion one that I could answer the first part and you could answer the second part.
01:16:17.000 Oh, thanks.
01:16:19.000 Thanks for telling me what letters I can respond to on my own fucking show.
01:16:23.000 Well, one of them is right up my alley.
01:16:27.000 Your alley sucks.
01:16:28.000 Untrue.
01:16:29.000 Check this out.
01:16:29.000 I was saying this to my kids.
01:16:31.000 My boy and his friends.
01:16:33.000 I took them out to this bouncy castle thing.
01:16:36.000 Bounce, you know.
01:16:37.000 Bounce USA?
01:16:38.000 Yeah, some sort of trampoline place.
01:16:40.000 Which is stupid because we have a trampoline at home.
01:16:43.000 Um, and I go to my son and his friend, what the f- what are those?
01:16:48.000 Like, the fucking shoes the kids today wear.
01:16:51.000 These- they look like they're in the movie Space Jam.
01:16:54.000 They look like ti- I go, are you guys time travelers?
01:16:56.000 What are those big puffy things on your feet?
01:16:59.000 Yeah, it's in right now.
01:17:01.000 So, I don't- you guys, when you talk about shoes, you're wrong.
01:17:05.000 I mean, your shoes right now aren't terrible, but they are still women's shoes.
01:17:10.000 You look like a German lesbian.
01:17:14.000 That's hurtful.
01:17:15.000 Who's cool?
01:17:15.000 You look like a cool German lesbian with good taste.
01:17:17.000 Hey Gavin and Ryan, where's the best place to get plain white t-shirts that aren't see-through but cheapish?
01:17:25.000 Three-pack.
01:17:26.000 Mainz.
01:17:27.000 I was gonna say Gildan.
01:17:29.000 All I wear is white shirts.
01:17:31.000 Isn't that right?
01:17:34.000 All I wear is white t-shirts.
01:17:36.000 Yeah, me too.
01:17:38.000 No, you wear other stuff.
01:17:39.000 Alright, whatever.
01:17:40.000 This is stupid.
01:17:41.000 Also, this is really gay, but what's the brand of the button-up that you wore in your film, How to Be a Man?
01:17:45.000 Attach the picture.
01:17:46.000 Thanks, dork babies.
01:17:47.000 Chris.
01:17:47.000 That's a tough one.
01:17:50.000 Thomas Pink is the shirt I am wearing in the movie How to Be a Man.
01:17:54.000 Very expensive shirt.
01:17:55.000 I don't know what the fuck happened to those.
01:17:58.000 I think I lost them at the movie.
01:18:00.000 Oh, filming the movie, oh shit.
01:18:02.000 Yeah.
01:18:02.000 Thomas Pink.
01:18:03.000 Thomas Pink.
01:18:04.000 There's your answer.
01:18:05.000 Very high quality.
01:18:06.000 Dude.
01:18:07.000 Um... Okay, you ready?
01:18:11.000 Yep.
01:18:12.000 I'm a young guy in my early 20s and I recently banged a woman who was in her mid-40s.
01:18:16.000 I meant an older woman.
01:18:17.000 Go nuts, buddy, but eventually you have to sort of settle down and get a ring on a real woman.
01:18:23.000 Women in their 40s are just fuckbags.
01:18:26.000 Ruined by feminism.
01:18:28.000 We had a bang session for about an hour, and out of that hour I probably ate her pussy for 20 to 25 minutes total.
01:18:36.000 Three different points throughout the fuck session.
01:18:38.000 That's a great way to last, too.
01:18:40.000 To stop the presses and get mongeoned.
01:18:42.000 What the fuck am I doing right now?
01:18:43.000 What is this guy talking about?
01:18:59.000 Like he thinks eating pussies grows.
01:19:00.000 Is this a black guy?
01:19:02.000 Is this a Rastafarian?
01:19:04.000 I did get a nut three times so that was nice and I spammed on her face.
01:19:08.000 I didn't use a condom but I did pull out the other two times.
01:19:11.000 She said she can't get prego but you never know.
01:19:14.000 I had to go to a burger place to get the taste of her out of my mouth.
01:19:17.000 Yuck!
01:19:18.000 While I was eating my burger, I was thinking, okay, that's not going to happen again.
01:19:21.000 Me fucking this bitch.
01:19:22.000 But now three days later, I'm thinking, actually, it wasn't that bad.
01:19:25.000 Advice?
01:19:26.000 Thoughts?
01:19:26.000 P.S.
01:19:27.000 Is it Brian or Ryan?
01:19:30.000 The man's name is Ryan.
01:19:32.000 Yeah.
01:19:32.000 That's not a tough one.
01:19:34.000 And I don't understand this letter.
01:19:36.000 Is this guy not familiar with pussy eating?
01:19:38.000 Like he just tried it and he thinks it's weird and he doesn't know that other people do it?
01:19:43.000 Or did her pussy stink?
01:19:45.000 P.U.
01:19:48.000 It's pretty rare you get a stinky pussy.
01:19:50.000 Yeah, not a lot of stinkers in the world.
01:19:52.000 I dated one girl who had like a 5% stinky pussy and it was awesome because I was in love with her.
01:19:58.000 So it was more flavor to savor.
01:20:00.000 Yeah.
01:20:01.000 But there are those ones that just reek.
01:20:04.000 I don't think I've ever eaten one.
01:20:05.000 Although I will say eating out a pussy when you're not into her is one of the grossest things in the world.
01:20:10.000 Because it's like your face is in a wound.
01:20:13.000 I was just about, yeah.
01:20:14.000 I bet sucking a dick of someone you're not into isn't as bad.
01:20:19.000 I mean, if you're a woman who's straight.
01:20:21.000 I don't mean as a dude.
01:20:22.000 Because it's not a cavern of innards.
01:20:24.000 Yeah, like I had this girl come to visit me in Montreal and she had a terrible time.
01:20:28.000 And she ended up leaving early.
01:20:30.000 And, uh... She sucked me off, though.
01:20:32.000 I was like, I guess I should do this.
01:20:35.000 Just to get this guy out of my hair.
01:20:38.000 Cavern of innards are playing at the Mercury.
01:20:41.000 Cavern of Innards, you like that?
01:20:43.000 So, I don't know what the fuck you're talking about, sir.
01:20:45.000 If you think eating pussy's gross, then you're weird.
01:20:48.000 And if her pussy stank, well then she's weird.
01:20:51.000 She stank!
01:20:52.000 Sorry, I don't know what that was.
01:20:54.000 Um, this guy, his name is Armand.
01:20:57.000 Armand Alto.
01:20:59.000 And he says, is this the America's Tommy Robinson?
01:21:02.000 And then he shows me a link.
01:21:04.000 Navy Seal Family says Navy subverting Trump's order on Eddie Gallagher.
01:21:09.000 An accused Navy SEAL is seemingly being held captive by the Navy ahead of his trial in May, despite an order from President Donald Trump last month, um, that SEAL Chief Eddie Gallagher be moved from the brig to a less restrictive barracks at the Marine Corps Air Station.
01:21:25.000 And what the fuck did this guy do?
01:21:27.000 Swear?
01:21:28.000 Use a racial epithet?
01:21:29.000 I have reasonable belief offenses trial, blah, blah, blah, and the restraint.
01:21:35.000 What, what offenses did he do?
01:21:37.000 You look that up.
01:21:39.000 Offenses that this Navy- Eddie Gallagher.
01:21:42.000 G-A-L-L-A-G-H-E-R.
01:21:44.000 Navy SEAL.
01:21:45.000 He looks like a real man.
01:21:48.000 Yeah, fuck the police's boss.
01:21:50.000 Fuck the top brass in the military.
01:21:53.000 This is something the left needs to understand.
01:21:55.000 The cops and the grunts, they have no power.
01:22:00.000 I know a million cops.
01:22:02.000 The NYC9, I can't do shit for them.
01:22:05.000 The cops I know don't, can't help.
01:22:08.000 They go, this is way over my pay grade.
01:22:11.000 They have as much power on the streets as you and I do.
01:22:14.000 Yes, they can give out tickets.
01:22:16.000 Yes, they can shoot someone.
01:22:19.000 If they're not doing it justified, they're going to jail for the rest of their lives.
01:22:22.000 People never talk about that.
01:22:24.000 What was his name?
01:22:25.000 Abner Louima, who got that pole shoved up his ass.
01:22:27.000 That plunger.
01:22:28.000 The wood part of the plunger.
01:22:29.000 They shoved it up his ass during an interrogation.
01:22:32.000 Yeah.
01:22:32.000 Justin Volpe is still in prison for that.
01:22:35.000 He was caught and punished.
01:22:37.000 Abner Louima was shot.
01:22:39.000 Yeah, the cops, he refused to put his hands up.
01:22:42.000 The cops pulled out a wallet.
01:22:44.000 No, sorry.
01:22:44.000 Abner Louie or Amadou Diallo pulled out a black wallet the exact same way you would a black revolver.
01:22:50.000 And yes, he was shot something like 40 times in a matter of maybe three seconds.
01:22:55.000 There was six guys shooting at once.
01:22:57.000 And when they realized they'd shot an innocent man, they were crying.
01:23:01.000 It was an accident.
01:23:02.000 It was not done for sport, you fucking dumbasses.
01:23:06.000 Well, what Eddie Gallagher did was he allegedly stabbed to death an Islamic State prisoner.
01:23:13.000 Okay.
01:23:16.000 Remind me to care about that at some point.
01:23:21.000 And what were the details?
01:23:24.000 Like, was it just pure sadism?
01:23:26.000 Because that would be bad for business because then the jihadists would stab our guys.
01:23:30.000 That's why I'd be worried about that.
01:23:32.000 But remember there were those dudes who were pissing on dead Taliban soldiers and the Taliban soldiers blew themselves up while developing a bomb to kill military.
01:23:41.000 That happens all the time by the way.
01:23:43.000 Anyone who makes bombs is going to blow up at some point.
01:23:46.000 And these guys had blowed themselves up real good.
01:23:49.000 And so the military guys were pissing on the cadavers.
01:23:52.000 What the fuck's the matter with that?
01:23:54.000 Remember that big controversy?
01:23:56.000 I think it was that black guy, Alan West, who said, shut your mouth, war is hell.
01:24:00.000 And we said, those guys should be punished for doing that.
01:24:04.000 They should pay a $100 fine and be denied beer for over three days.
01:24:12.000 Now, I don't know the deal with this stabbing, but I don't believe that soldiers just randomly stab people for a laugh.
01:24:19.000 Look him up on Wikipedia.
01:24:22.000 Who dat?
01:24:23.000 This guy Eddie Gallagher?
01:24:23.000 Yeah!
01:24:24.000 Well I found that his prosecutors contend that he murdered the teenage ISIS detainee on May 3rd, 2017 near the Iraq city of Mosul before opposing with the corpse during a macabre enlistment ceremony.
01:24:37.000 They also allege that he gunned down unwitting civilians with a sniper rifle, bragged about racking up kills, and threatened to intimidate and publicly out seals who complained to superiors and investigators about him.
01:24:50.000 I also read that his defense attorneys alleged that these military prosecutors are going after them and emails and documents support that.
01:25:04.000 Yeah, I don't know this case, so I can't comment on it, but I have seen so much abuse
01:25:11.000 That the grunts take.
01:25:12.000 And by the way, I've seen grunt rats ratting out other grunts for being proud boys, for saying something offensive, for saying something sexist.
01:25:22.000 These are the guys that are supposed to die with you in the trenches.
01:25:25.000 So all of this rule mongering is starting to invite pussies into the police force and the military.
01:25:33.000 And these guys are rats and snitches who can't wait to fuck over their fellow brother.
01:25:37.000 That's why I said on that other podcast that the
01:25:40.000 Police as a thing is done.
01:25:42.000 I mean, I see this fat woman.
01:25:45.000 There was like an axe murder on the weekend and this black woman holding the murder weapon.
01:25:50.000 Her legs were tree trunks.
01:25:53.000 She had my torso for legs.
01:25:56.000 And who the fuck is she going to chase down the street?
01:25:59.000 What are you showing me?
01:26:01.000 This is an attachment for Marie.
01:26:06.000 She says this guy's worse than the Disneyland loser, if you will.
01:26:11.000 I think I found a guy that you're going to love to hate.
01:26:13.000 A hundred bucks, he's pretty damn close to the Disneyland buddy boy.
01:26:16.000 You want to see it?
01:26:18.000 Yeah, but you don't have it ready, so I bet it's not going to be cued up properly.
01:26:21.000 I'm going to come out right on the first date.
01:26:24.000 I didn't vote.
01:26:25.000 And the reason I didn't vote was because of the work that I do.
01:26:29.000 I couldn't vote.
01:26:31.000 Well, first off, I've never voted for a Democrat, so it was hard to vote for Hillary Clinton.
01:26:36.000 Because I've never voted for a Democrat.
01:26:38.000 I couldn't vote for Trump.
01:26:40.000 And my wife and I, it's the first time we've ever not voted.
01:26:43.000 We just said we can't.
01:26:44.000 We have to be able to say forever and ever in perpetuity that we did not vote.
01:26:49.000 We just are not taking sides on this.
01:26:52.000 We're gonna take all sides.
01:26:54.000 I didn't vote for Obama.
01:26:55.000 Twice, I didn't vote for Obama.
01:26:57.000 So you're thinking like, oh, there's this race guy, he's teaching about race and so on.
01:27:00.000 Dude, Obama?
01:27:02.000 No, I didn't vote for Obama.
01:27:04.000 He seems like a fruit basket.
01:27:07.000 He just seems like every other professor.
01:27:09.000 Yeah.
01:27:09.000 He teaches a class on race and culture.
01:27:11.000 What a waste of fucking time.
01:27:14.000 How deep into debt are those losers going to learn some asshole virtue signal about race and culture?
01:27:24.000 God damn, how boring.
01:27:26.000 He has another video called Dating Scene for Asian Americans.
01:27:29.000 I think I've seen that.
01:27:30.000 Really?
01:27:30.000 Oh, okay.
01:27:31.000 I'll check that out later.
01:27:32.000 Yeah, I've always said to Asian Americans, guys, you have a bad rep.
01:27:35.000 You're known as pussies, and I'm not saying that's true.
01:27:38.000 You're known as guys who have small dicks.
01:27:40.000 I'm not saying that's true.
01:27:41.000 This is just the hand you've been dealt.
01:27:44.000 So Asian men, if you're out there, first of all, dick size doesn't really matter.
01:27:49.000 I've never- I hear women- I've been hearing women talk and gossip.
01:27:53.000 I've had female friends.
01:27:55.000 I've heard talk of small dicks like maybe three times.
01:27:58.000 And they were the smallest dicks imaginable.
01:28:01.000 Women don't really talk about cocks that much.
01:28:03.000 They're just a tool to get the job done.
01:28:05.000 Those bitches wanna-
01:28:08.000 So no one's like, oh, I need a huge cock.
01:28:11.000 I've heard fags say that.
01:28:13.000 But you don't really hear a woman going, yeah, I don't know.
01:28:15.000 It's been a while.
01:28:16.000 I could really do with a big 10 inch earth shattering super rod to fuck the shit out of me.
01:28:22.000 Super rod.
01:28:23.000 I'm going to write that.
01:28:24.000 They're playing at the Mercury Lounge as well.
01:28:26.000 I have this whole list of band names, by the way.
01:28:29.000 Let's hear them.
01:28:30.000 OK.
01:28:31.000 Starting with page number one.
01:28:33.000 Sister's Brother, Away We Go, Brute Evolution, Hungry Snatch, Tiger Piss, Apples and Eves, Back to the Floor, Whiskey Crossing, Diaper Chug, Bryce and the Dallas Four, Mother's Garden, Once a Loser, Umbilical Lord, Vesuvius Clinch, that was you,
01:28:55.000 Coward Clone, Dig Around, Treating Their Feet, Winner's Circle, Forget Me Do, Howard Ya Doin', Jonesin' for a Bonesin', Staple Leaf, Soggy Sailor, Color Me Stinky, Zapt and Kurdok, Flish Plish,
01:29:13.000 Oogie Boogie, Collapse of Colossus.
01:29:15.000 Plish Plish Oogie Boogie?
01:29:17.000 What are you doing?
01:29:17.000 I don't know.
01:29:18.000 Moldy Butthole, Clap Trap, Women Winging It, Delicate Shit Cramps, Idiotic Puppet.
01:29:23.000 I like Delicate Shit Cramps.
01:29:25.000 Yes.
01:29:26.000 Cory Booker's Baby Bond, He's My Satan, Maximum Organs, Cavern of Innards.
01:29:33.000 And the list just keeps on growing.
01:29:35.000 A lot of those suck shit.
01:29:37.000 Oogie Boogie?
01:29:39.000 What are you doing?
01:29:40.000 That's what a dog would come up with.
01:29:42.000 I'm thinking that that is a band.
01:29:44.000 Like half of these are... I believe they're a band.
01:29:47.000 I always thought Wolfgang was a good name for a band.
01:29:50.000 And then I looked it up and it's been taken.
01:29:52.000 You know what I always wanted to do?
01:29:53.000 Just call yourselves the Rolling Stones.
01:29:55.000 But spell it like E-Z.
01:29:58.000 People will think you're a Rolling Stones cover band and then they see you and you're not.
01:30:00.000 Or you know what a cool name for a band would be?
01:30:03.000 Guys, you can have this.
01:30:04.000 Jennifer Aniston.
01:30:06.000 That's the name of the band.
01:30:07.000 Yeah.
01:30:07.000 It has to be guys.
01:30:08.000 You can't have any women in the band.
01:30:10.000 And you're just like a hard rock band named Jennifer Aniston.
01:30:13.000 You could spell it weird so she can't sue you or spell it the same.
01:30:17.000 Fuck them.
01:30:17.000 Yeah.
01:30:18.000 So they'd see a flyer and it would say, holy fuck, Jennifer Aniston is playing at our shitty local bar this weekend.
01:30:24.000 That's great.
01:30:27.000 Okay, we're running out of time here.
01:30:28.000 This one's from Cole Cochran.
01:30:30.000 I like how people won't tell me their real names.
01:30:32.000 Do you really think you're going to get fired because you listened to a podcast and sent in a letter?
01:30:36.000 What's the charge?
01:30:38.000 Listening to evil stuff.
01:30:41.000 One of the best things about being deployed to war
01:30:45.000 Is when you get letters like this.
01:31:00.000 And it says in the little kid writing, dear soldier, I wish you luck and good tidings.
01:31:04.000 Thank you for serving in the army and protecting our country from people who are out of their minds.
01:31:10.000 Love, Private James Smith.
01:31:12.000 And then he says, I received this just before Christmas, 2012 at the age of 24 while leading a 30 man root clearance platoon in Helmand province, Afghanistan.
01:31:24.000 Oh, that just made me nauseous.
01:31:26.000 Imagine fucking...
01:31:28.000 Imagine being in that war and just knowing that any second, pew, you could get shot in the head.
01:31:36.000 My platoon worked for the British military and our job was to find IEDs before they found us.
01:31:41.000 Hardest job ever.
01:31:43.000 While in country, I heard about a deprassid pun.
01:31:47.000 Gavin, are you familiar with this story?
01:31:49.000 If not, enjoy.
01:31:51.000 And then he sends me a link to something called deprassid pun, which is a great name for a band.
01:31:59.000 Ryan?
01:32:00.000 What is it called again?
01:32:00.000 Depraved what?
01:32:02.000 Depressid.
01:32:03.000 D-I-P-P-R-A-S-A-D pun.
01:32:05.000 Depressid pun.
01:32:07.000 It's a Nepalese sergeant of the Royal Gurkha Rifles who was decorated with a conspicuous gallantry cross for an act of bravery during the war in Afghanistan.
01:32:15.000 Pun.
01:32:16.000 Then an acting sergeant single-handedly defeated 12 to 30 Taliban insurgents who were storming his control post near Babaj in Helmland Province.
01:32:24.000 Damn.
01:32:25.000 Depressed pun.
01:32:26.000 I'm familiar with the Gurkhas.
01:32:28.000 Do you know what the Gurkhas are?
01:32:29.000 It's like a burka, but...
01:32:31.000 No, don't guess when you know things.
01:32:35.000 The Gurkhas were fucking savages.
01:32:39.000 I've been saying savages a lot and my mother-in-law's completely Indian and sometimes wonder if I'm offending her.
01:32:47.000 Yeah, the Gurkhas were badass little midgets.
01:32:50.000 They were not tall and they had these little machete blades and they would go into absolutely any battle situation and always win.
01:33:01.000 They were, they were, uh, Nepalese.
01:33:04.000 They were, um, technically British because they were citizens of British India, but we use them, the Brits use them all over the world.
01:33:13.000 And they were recently fighting to be recognized as British soldiers, which they should be, but they're just like the Scots, like just an absolute fucking band of perfect fighters.
01:33:27.000 Anyway, I think we're out of time here.
01:33:29.000 Let's do one more letter and then we're going to wrap it up.
01:33:31.000 We're also going to say thank you to BetDSI.
01:33:33.000 BetDSI.com forward slash Gavin.
01:33:36.000 Please make sure you deposit 25 bucks or something and you'll get, you'll double your money right there.
01:33:42.000 You'll double your money right there.
01:33:44.000 Okay, this better be good, dude.
01:33:46.000 I have not read this letter yet.
01:33:48.000 It's from Ollie White.
01:33:50.000 Brexit angst.
01:33:52.000 Hey Gavin Ryan, big fan, just wondering what you think of what's happening with Brexit, if you've been keeping up with it, have my opinions.
01:33:56.000 What it seems to me, and I think most ordinary Brits, Theresa May is a spineless, treacherous, treacherous cunt who hates her own country and our own politicians in general seem to hate the only way of doing Brexit properly, the only way which would actually fulfil the results of the referendum, which is to have a no deal.
01:34:15.000 Yeah, I cannot believe
01:34:18.000 Nigel Farage was grinning.
01:34:20.000 He won Brexit.
01:34:21.000 I was ecstatic because it finally showed that the British working class were having some influence.
01:34:31.000 Now they're just reversing it.
01:34:33.000 They're saying, yeah, we're not really going to do it.
01:34:36.000 They wanted to have a second referendum.
01:34:39.000 Britain is pissing me off these days.
01:34:41.000 There is, you know, there was never, there was no middle class around when I was born.
01:34:47.000 There was the rich and the poor and nothing in between.
01:34:50.000 And then Thatcher came along, liberated the markets and all of a sudden there was a middle class.
01:34:55.000 All of a sudden you can go from poor to rich, just like in America.
01:35:00.000 And it worked out great.
01:35:03.000 The 80s were wonderful.
01:35:04.000 People bitch, British people bitch about the 80s, like in that movie, This is England.
01:35:08.000 It was a terrible time.
01:35:10.000 We had no future.
01:35:11.000 That's why we had to have punk, because there was no future.
01:35:14.000 And then there was the Falklands, where a thousand people died.
01:35:19.000 I'm not trivializing the death of those soldiers, but that's not the biggest count when it comes to wars.
01:35:25.000 Thatcher had no choice.
01:35:26.000 They took a British colony.
01:35:28.000 You have to take it back.
01:35:29.000 You can't have my British colonies without my permission.
01:35:33.000 And the reason they had punk is because they had music, because they had bands, because they had prosperity, because they could afford instruments.
01:35:39.000 80s Britain was thriving, you fuckheads.
01:35:42.000 And now we have this incredible disdain the middle class has for the working class.
01:35:47.000 They don't know any working class people.
01:35:49.000 Tommy Robinson is a virulent racist to them.
01:35:52.000 And he has trial after trial for the same fucking charge, which is contempt of court, which is jaywalking.
01:35:59.000 He's going back, he's going to the Old Bailey again next month, May 13th.
01:36:05.000 Back on trial for being rude in court, for filming a suspect,
01:36:10.000 Yeah, 40 days and 30 pounds lost, and I don't mean money, I mean weight, wasn't good enough.
01:36:18.000 Let's send him back to prison.
01:36:20.000 The British people vote for breakfast and they get it shoved up their ass.
01:36:24.000 That's not a democracy.
01:36:26.000 Britain is not a democracy.
01:36:31.000 Is that kind of negative?
01:36:33.000 Negative ending?
01:36:34.000 Sometimes you have to be.
01:36:36.000 Well, I'm not trying to be negative.
01:36:37.000 I'm pissed off.
01:36:38.000 I'm mad at Britain and the system over there.
01:36:42.000 And as a... I was born in Britain.
01:36:44.000 It's my people.
01:36:44.000 I'm gonna head up there for Tommy's trial.
01:36:47.000 We should both go, Ryan.
01:36:49.000 We should, and we will.
01:36:50.000 The Old Bailey, by the way, is the highest court in the land.
01:36:53.000 It's for, if you're a mass shooter, you'll go to the Old Bailey.
01:36:57.000 It's only for heinous crimes, murders, triple murders.
01:37:00.000 Actually, I don't even think if you murder one guy, it'll go to the Old Bailey.
01:37:04.000 I believe it has to be like a triple homicide or something.
01:37:06.000 And then there's Tommy sitting there, contempt of court.
01:37:08.000 What the fuck with their stupid white powdered wigs?
01:37:12.000 Do you know how ridiculous you look with your little grey crew cut and your Miss Lollipop white wig?
01:37:20.000 What are you wearing on your fucking head?
01:37:23.000 Has anyone ever had that hairdo?
01:37:27.000 Like, I think wigs are idiotic, obviously.
01:37:29.000 But at least Ben Franklin was wearing a wig that someone once had.
01:37:33.000 It was long, white hair.
01:37:35.000 You have a crew cut on the top, and then these weird, like, rolls coming down the side.
01:37:40.000 What?
01:37:41.000 No one's ever had that hairdo!
01:37:43.000 It's a weird curly mullet.
01:37:46.000 And that's all the judges and magistrates and barristas?
01:37:50.000 Fuck off!
01:37:52.000 Don't women have them too?
01:37:54.000 All lawyers and judges have to wear those idiotic wigs in court.
01:37:59.000 They look preposterous.
01:38:03.000 Um, and Tommy's running for, um, for office.
01:38:09.000 I think he's running for, what is it?
01:38:11.000 The European Union.
01:38:16.000 Wouldn't that be awesome?
01:38:20.000 Running for, what is he running for?
01:38:23.000 MEP?
01:38:24.000 UKIP MP.
01:38:27.000 That would, that would make, they go, they call him the man to make the British establishment's head explode.
01:38:36.000 Oh, that's why, you know that when you want to get to the epicenter of the cuntiness of the British elites is when Tommy was getting busted.
01:38:45.000 Alex Jones showed this.
01:38:45.000 Someone took a picture of this judge.
01:38:48.000 I think he had on his ridiculous little wig too.
01:38:51.000 And he was smirking as they dragged Tommy and put him in the paddy wagon.
01:38:56.000 Not knowing what was going on, just knowing that it was Tommy and that he had been arrested and just smirking at him.
01:39:02.000 Fuck the establishment.
01:39:04.000 So yeah, there's one takeaway I want people to get here.
01:39:06.000 It's that I think it's very healthy to hate the establishment, to hate the elites.
01:39:12.000 Just know that the cops and the grunts are not associated with it.
01:39:16.000 The elites, the top brass, the chief of police treats police as human fodder.
01:39:23.000 They throw them at problems, they let them die, and then they fire them lest they get embarrassed by this cops or this grunts or this Navy SEALs behavior.
01:39:32.000 They're on our side.
01:39:34.000 They don't have power.
01:39:35.000 They don't have authority.
01:39:38.000 They get fucked over the same way we do.
01:39:42.000 It frustrates me when they're portrayed as the enemy.
01:39:46.000 Alright, is that it?
01:39:47.000 I would think so.
01:39:48.000 Did you check your text message for me?
01:39:51.000 Why, you got a secret?
01:39:53.000 It's not good to tell secrets.
01:39:55.000 It's rude.
01:39:57.000 I'm going to say the secret, whatever it is.
01:39:59.000 I'm going to spill the beans.
01:40:03.000 He sent me a picture of a black Jewish man.
01:40:09.000 Yeah?
01:40:09.000 That's it.
01:40:11.000 Folks at home, while Ryan was researching a Hasidic Jew who's in the NYPD, he found a black Hasidic Jew and he sent me a picture of him.
01:40:19.000 That is how... That's Ryan's brain.
01:40:22.000 Like he's a dog.
01:40:24.000 He's just like a doggie.
01:40:25.000 It's just a particularly funny picture.
01:40:27.000 That reminds me of this...
01:40:31.000 Hey Ryan, I just want to say you might not be smart enough to talk as much as you are permitted on the show.
01:40:34.000 You're considerably better off than about 90% of the people I work with.
01:40:38.000 I cannot imagine what Gavin would say if the people I work with were at any of the companies he started worked for him.
01:40:44.000 Nice grammar, dude.
01:40:46.000 Essentially what I'm hoping to communicate is that you're probably the smartest person on the short bus.
01:40:50.000 Ah, that's very nice.
01:40:52.000 That's a nice compliment.
01:40:54.000 I was in the retard class as a boy.
01:40:56.000 Me too!
01:40:57.000 We both have that in common.
01:40:59.000 Yes.
01:41:00.000 Alright, bye!