Lesbian, gay, bisexual, and everything in between. It's a thing. I don't know what it is, but I'm not buying it. I'm just not a big fan of it. And I'm also not a fan of gays and lesbians, but that's another thing entirely. I'll tell you what, they're not bad. They're good for the economy, they don't have to be home at any time, and they're all workaholics. Lesbians are grumpy because they don t get laid. And they use sex toys when they first start dating and use them as sex toys. And then they cease to horse around and cease to be monogamous. That's right, ladies and gents, you're not monogamous anymore. And you don't need to be to get laid anymore. You can still have a threesome if you want to, but it's not the same thing. And that's what I mean by being monogamous, right? I mean, you can't have sex unless you're in a relationship with someone who's not monogomous. And if that's not enough, you need to have a partner who doesn't want to have sex with you. You're not getting any more than you can have sex. You need a partner you can do it in a way that's good enough for you. and you're willing to do it right? that's a deal? . I don t know what I'm talking about, but let's talk about it, shall we? ? Let me know what you think of it, okay? I'll be back in a few minutes. . . . well, I'll get back to you soon. xoxo, bye. Cheers. -Todays episode. Tim -P.S. - Tim - Timmy Timmy - Thank you for listening to this episode of the podcast, Timmy! -Timmy - I'll see you next week! , Timmy, I love you back in the next episode of Death of Cool? -Tommy and I'll talk about this episode - Thank you so much Timmy's new book - Tim's new album, Death Of Cool - and he's going to be back with a new album coming out soon, so stay tuned for the next one, so don't forget to check it out!
Transcript
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00:00:56.000And then she thought about it and she's like, well, that time that that guy, I bet her boyfriend, this guy who comes over in bones, I bet he has a white mustache and he wears a Hawaiian shirt and he wears sandals.
00:01:08.000And then sometimes some other chick that he met at AA will come over and they'll get high and make out.
00:03:27.000Actually, I know for a fact they're destroyed, because in my book, Death of Cool, you can hear me hearing my gay neighbor through the walls, who was 80.
00:03:36.000He was a war- I think he was a World War II vet.
00:03:42.000He never had men over, he was too old.
00:03:45.000And I saw him wearing a coat with a medal on it, but I'd also hear him call men up and say, like he said to the man at the movie theater, I just want you to know that you're very attractive and I think you're a good-looking young man.
00:03:59.000And then I could hear the young man not interested in an 85-year-old homo
00:04:04.000And he said, alright, well I'm very sorry if I made you uncomfortable.
00:06:41.000Still, my chicken is, uh, is, uh, fuck my cock.
00:06:47.000Um, but yeah, if you say anything about the church, old lady's ears bleed.
00:06:52.000Uh, but it's got, you know, there's sort of like if all these lesbians and social justice warriors at college got their own province and it's the French, they call themselves, they say, we are the niggers of Canada.
00:07:06.000That's an actual quote from the separatists.
00:07:09.000And so they want, you know, reparations for all the horrible abuse they've suffered.
00:07:15.000And Canadians being pussies, immediately comply.
00:08:45.000You can beat up every single one of them, no problem.
00:08:49.000Uh, we call them Pepsis, or Peppers, because they're poor, and Pepsi's cheaper than Coke, so you'd always see French people drinking Pepsi, and English people drinking Coke.
00:09:20.000And they'd send you off miles away just to fuck with you.
00:09:24.000And my friend Adam, who's diabetic, and that explains how they were able to beat him up.
00:09:28.000Because you could beat up five peppers.
00:09:32.000He asked where he was, and he knew, he didn't know where he was going, but he knew that the directions I just gave him were wrong, and he just mumbled fucking peppers.
00:09:40.000And they heard him and kicked his ass.
00:10:49.000I'm talking to you the other day about something very important, and we're trying to get this website set up, so on June 1st we launch hard, and I say something, I can't remember what it was, but instead of saying why, you go, uh, pourquoi?
00:12:22.000If you, hey folks at home, if any of you ever use the word ave, you, guess what, you can fly.
00:12:32.000So if you regularly use the word Ave, I would recommend going to the top of the building you're on and jumping because you will just soar through the clouds and you'll fly and fly and fly.
00:12:44.000And don't try it out like on the first floor or something.
00:12:49.000Like really go for it your first time.
00:13:04.000He talks about acid and how much he loved doing acid and he said, but then people say it's dangerous because someone jumped off a building they thought they could fly.
00:13:52.000America is, I think, the only place in the world where a soldier will just be walking down the street and people just go, thank you for your service.
00:13:59.000Or even if a guy's wearing a baseball hat that says veteran on it, people will just, thank you for your service.
00:14:05.000It's like when Puerto Ricans say, God bless when they see a kid.
00:14:09.000When I see a woman, I say, thank you for your cervix.
00:14:18.000So it'd be funny, you go into the gym and there's a friend of yours boxing, and you just, with a cigarette in your mouth, you just walk up to him, in the fight, and start going, dude, you know I was talking about my friend's car there that has the spoiler on the back?
00:14:33.000And you said a bird would get caught on it?
00:14:34.000A bird did get caught on it, like a couple of days ago, and he had like bird guts all over the back of his car.
00:14:45.000Is occasionally there's a class at the gym, right?
00:14:48.000Pay an extra ten bucks and it's brutal.
00:14:50.000And it's like boot camp in that you don't want to pussy out because everyone's doing it.
00:14:56.000So, you know, if it went on for three hours, which it never does, you wouldn't want to be the guy to say, I got to stop guys, because now you've let down the gang, right?
00:15:07.000So, it's relevant that it's in a group.
00:15:10.000You would probably work harder than you would if you were on your own, because it's just you, and you're paying the trainer, and you'd say, fuck it, dude, I'm done.
00:15:17.000And he has to say yes, because he's your employee, basically.
00:15:20.000But in a group, it's different, and it's more of a military thing.
00:15:24.000So, you do the class regularly, right?
00:15:28.000And then one day you decide not to, and you're looking at the guys, and that's bad for their morale.
00:16:08.000You think of that, so these are thoughts you have while you're there, you're like, how inappropriate would it be if I just started to do this?
00:16:15.000Well I thought of it, no I thought of it leaving the gym.
00:16:25.000I do it at baseball too with the kids.
00:16:28.000And they're all ten years old staring at their feet, totally confused.
00:16:34.000You know every time I fucking see a kid fumble a play, I look at the father and I just think, fuck you.
00:16:41.000You're ruining our game by being a shitty dad who doesn't play catch with his son You your son sucks cuz you suck and if he misses or he starts swinging at balls.
00:16:53.000I think fuck you dad Because you don't take him to the batting cage And he doesn't know how to hit a fucking ball you useless shithead who's working in finance.
00:17:03.000They all work in finance in Westchester You're a money babysitter
00:17:09.000You read the Wall Street Journal from cover to cover.
00:17:17.000And then you make a bunch of boring, shitty decisions.
00:17:20.000And the market is always going up 45 degrees when you pull back a little bit.
00:17:25.000Sure, there's ups and downs, but from even including the Great Depression, if you look at the stock market from 1900 till right now, you'll see a 45 degree line.
00:17:34.000You got to zoom in to see the ups and downs.
00:17:36.000So these guys just sit there as the economy gets better because life gets better.
00:19:49.000So yeah, those are my ideas for funny jokes.
00:19:54.000We really, I've been getting a lot of mail recently and people, not at my behest, on their own, are signing the letters, I like your new sunglasses.
00:20:08.000I like your new, and just, it says, I like your new, is one line, and then sunglasses has to be big, and then there'll be a picture of sunglasses.
00:20:22.000But folks at home who are not familiar with this story, I won't tell the whole story again, but it's just a story about how annoying junkies are and how they think you don't know they're high and they're trying to blend in with other earthlings like they're not total fucking idiot sloth people.
00:20:37.000And my buddy Jesse at the time had a shitty party and his high girlfriend put on sunglasses to hide her shitty eyes.
00:24:03.000Very talented player, but he was from the old school.
00:24:07.000And when baseball was really great and they did coke and they got in fist fights on the pitch and they banged girls in between innings.
00:24:15.000He's from those glory days when the Mets won the World Series in 86, was it?
00:24:23.000And if you look up George Brett's shit story, he goes up to two guys and he explains that he shit his pants last night.
00:24:29.000And he proceeds to tell a 20 minute story about having food poisoning and water, just fucking water, goes down my pants into my boots.
00:24:42.000It's one of the best stories of all time.
00:24:43.000The only bad thing about the story is the guys he's talking to seem kind of Annoyed bored not interested if anyone tells you a shit story sit down and listen, please gentlemen and ladies lesbians if you think you're trans and you want to become a man and you cut your tits off and you say I identify as a man you dress like Justin Bieber and you have that weird little
00:25:08.000Fade on your head with your sideways baseball hat and your baggy pants with your weird gay guy underwear and your fucking DC puffy shoes and your jewelry and your tank top and your skateboard.
00:25:20.000Why do these lesbians, when they become men, they all dress like either Asian nerds or weird skateboard wiggers.
00:26:01.000I just heard Keith talking to Anthony talking about, you would have sex with Oprah for the story, obviously, but would you have sex with an 80 year old celebrity for the story like Sophia Loren or Bridget Bardot?
00:26:13.000And then you get into, well, could you get it up?
00:28:11.000I can't remember if that was on the air or not.
00:28:13.000What's with all these gay guys in prison who go, fuck it man, there's no pussy, you know, you're here for 20 years, you gotta fucking do it.
00:29:30.000To our Canadian and Australian British viewers, that's a 7-11 type chain.
00:29:34.000Johnny Knoxville has a wah-wah tattoo.
00:29:37.000I ran for the wah-wah and preemptively unhooked my suspender clips.
00:29:42.000I swung the door open, took notice that someone was in the stall.
00:29:47.000My mind and asshole were in cahoots and I immediately shit.
00:29:50.000After the bad cleanup, and yeah, it's not an easy thing to clean up, sir, because I assume if it wasn't up to you when it came out, we're not talking about a nice defined log.
00:30:16.000So you're cleaning brown paint off your butt cheeks.
00:30:20.000I mean, I think the only solution is to take off your underwear, which you have to be very, it's very tricky to take off your underwear when you shit your pants because it's going by socks.
00:30:30.000It's going, it's probably not going by shoes.
00:30:33.000Um, but it's, it's like, it's a thing of brown paint there.
00:30:37.000So you got to delicately take everything off.
00:30:39.000Then, if you're a real ninja, you can use the non-shitted part to clean your butt cheeks a little bit.
00:30:49.000If not, put them on the floor and then you can take them in the garbage.
00:30:52.000And then what I would do, what I have done, is you fold it up, make a nice little sort of a face cloth with the toilet paper, dip it into the toilet water.
00:31:02.000And then use that to wash your butt cheeks, and you just keep flushing and flushing and going through like five handmade face cloths.
00:31:10.000I love how I'm giving people tips on something they've all done before.
00:31:14.000That's the weird thing about shitting and I don't want to get into this.
00:31:16.000Remember I talked about my asshole like 10 episodes ago and I got 900 emails of people younger than me going, yeah, what you gotta do is you gotta start having a lot more starch in your diet and then you need to shower when you blah, blah, blah.
00:33:57.000For a Japanese guy, you're the stupidest Japanese person I've ever met.
00:34:01.000I gave up on Japanese shit a long time ago.
00:34:04.000Well, you may want to check the mirror because someone made razor slits in your eye holes.
00:34:11.000I swung the door open, took notice that someone was in the stall.
00:34:14.000My mind asked, oh yeah, sorry, I already read that part.
00:34:17.000After the bad cleanup and feeling horrible about myself, I remember when you played the clip of George Brett and with a shit covered itchy ass, I played it on repeat for the 15 minute drive home.
00:34:26.000It made this shitty night so much better.
00:34:29.000There's two great George Brett clips on YouTube.
00:34:32.000One is him telling the story about pooping his panties and the other, now you got me saying things in a cute way, and the other is him
00:34:44.000They won against some other team and he saw the umps talking and he said, if this is about my fucking pine tar on my bat, I am going to lose my shit.
00:34:55.000And for some dumb reason, you're only allowed to have pine tar up the bat.
00:35:01.000To the same height that is the width of home plate.
00:35:05.000I don't know if Fred Flintstone came up with this rule in the year five, but it's some dumb rule.
00:35:13.000And so the umps get over there and they measure his pine tar and yep, it's wider than home plate.
00:35:33.000And I like how even in the suburbs, even politically correct town where everyone votes for Hillary up in Westchester, they say, hey, hey, no crying in baseball.
00:35:44.000Like kids get in trouble if they cry in baseball.
00:36:37.000I don't understand if you were a slave and you're kept in some room like kidnapped and he comes in and burns you with a coat hanger every day you could cry because this isn't gonna get better and I just keep getting these burns.
00:37:59.000And if you're walking around Ottawa, Canada in the winter and just kaboomk into something you thought was a small puddle and you feel it pour into your boot, not only are you cold, but it hurts and it's uncomfortable for the rest of the day.
00:38:13.000Now you've got to walk around the office with one boot on.
00:38:16.000And then I talk to Americans and they're like, what are you talking about a soaker?
00:38:19.000I go, you know, the thing that ruins your entire day and they go, oh, when your foot gets wet, I don't know what you mean.
00:38:26.000Maybe it's like living in a cold place, but even Midwesterners, they have the same weather that we had up in Canada and they don't seem to talk about soakers.
00:38:34.000Another thing I've noticed about Americans and Canadians, we're very serious about our marshmallow roasting and Americans will just
00:38:42.000Throw it on the fire and then burst into flames and they go, oh!
00:39:07.000You put it above the flame so it doesn't catch a flame.
00:39:10.000We brown the outside until it looks like Denzel Washington, and then we remove that sheath, sort of like a guy who's had his penis dipped in liquid nitrogen, and then we recook the insides.
00:39:48.000I do think you won't get a happier couple than two young Catholics who waited till marriage and had sex with each other for the first time and started churning out kids.
00:45:11.000Al Capone's great-grandson kills you for insulting his great-grandmother.
00:45:14.000He's like another Rivera fucking with me.
00:45:16.000By the way, Al, you're the top mobster in the world at a time when organized crime dominated everything, including politics, including the president.
00:47:58.000But Alyssa Milano must... Because all the liberals are like, they see her and they go, yes, I know, it's terrible that us hot chicks keep getting our asses grabbed.
00:48:06.000And then Toronto's sort of sitting next to him going, I know, it's terrible, isn't it, ladies?
00:48:11.000And you can tell that secretly in their brains they're going, what the fuck is this bitch doing here?
00:48:27.000Take a 10-year-old boy with a brutal cleft palate and a 10-year-old girl with a brutal cleft palate.
00:48:34.000Throw them into schools and check in on them in two months and see who has friends.
00:48:39.000I guarantee you the boy with the cleft palate will be playing baseball at lunch and having inside jokes with his buddies and the girl with the cleft palate will have one really fat friend and they sit alone in the cafeteria and eat lunch.
00:48:58.000Anyway, so a lot of STDs, yeah, yeah, so the joke was, I don't know if I want to redo it, but we were just talking about Alyssa Milano listening to Tarana get up on stage and talk about how horrible it is to be molested and how she's not invited to any movie roles, obviously because people are scared she's going to me-too them and prosecute them.
00:49:18.000Like Alyssa Milano can talk about being a sex object.
00:51:44.000Now, I'm sure there's women that have been molested so severely by some creepy uncle that dicks give them nightmares and they just figure, I guess I can horse around with a chick.
00:52:20.000Although, of course, there's the million dollar question.
00:52:24.000Would you rather fuck that butch, dyke, weirdo who cut off her tits and has a beard and looks exactly like a tough man, biff naked or something like that, but has a vagina, or a tranny like Blair White, who is a very attractive woman, but has a dinker doodle?
00:55:27.000So what they would do with venereal warts, which were rampant in Montreal in the early 90s, is they had this little can.
00:55:34.000It looked like that thing that you clean your keyboard with, but it would... It would just spray out a microbe, a microscopic amount of liquid nitrogen.
00:55:49.000Oh, by the way, here's another good STD tip.
00:55:52.000If you just go in there and go, I think I might have gonorrhea, uh, they take a wood Q-tip, put it down your urethra, turn it and pull it out.
00:56:03.000Dude, it feels like someone's removing your eyeball.
00:56:05.000It is so fucking painful that you panic.
00:57:02.000So he sprained my venereal warts and I'm embarrassed to say that it was getting, I was getting to know him, I was there so regularly.
00:57:11.000It was at a clinic called Clinique Alternative.
00:57:15.000I don't know what was alternative about it but it was in the gay village and occasionally you'd go in there and there'd be a guy bawling his eyes out, I guess because he had fucking AIDS.
00:57:23.000So it had a pallor about it, like a funeral home.
00:57:26.000But anyway, I go in there and I go, I guess this is pretty bad, eh?
00:57:29.000And he goes, no, I've seen much worse.
00:57:32.000He said, it's really a serious epidemic.
00:57:36.000He said, I used to go through one of these cans like once a year.
00:57:39.000Now I go through one of them maybe every few days.
00:57:44.000Like he would buy a six pack of liquid nitrogen and just be blasting dicks and buttholes.
00:57:49.000The gays were obviously way worse than us, and this one guy had so many venereal warts, it was like he had a bag of popcorn stuck up his ass.
00:57:59.000Like, the venereal warts, they were, he had venereal warts on his venereal warts, so it looked like, it honestly looked like a thousand mini cauliflowers were in his butthole.
01:00:22.000In fact, if you look up Anal Chinook on YouTube, you can see us singing a song about it called, No, Don't Take My Foreskin, where we wrote a song about the whole ordeal where I just exercised and exercised and stretched it in the bath.
01:01:04.000The beauty of a foreskin, design-wise, is you put the foreskin forward, touch it at the gate of the vagina, and then just push, the foreskin recedes and the penis is in.
01:01:34.000I have to briefly tell you this story about being immune to Hep C. I probably was never going to have a problem with Hep C, but I knew so many junkies that... I knew so many junkies that what?
01:01:48.000Oh junkies get hep C all the time from sharing needles and it's curable too now!
01:02:12.000I'm so busy, every time I check the news they're talking about some woman scientist or some female mathematician who sort of helped on some project and she's the face of it.
01:03:47.000Like remember when everyone thought they had AIDS in the eighties, you'd go to your doctor and you're, you know, a middle-class white suburban kid who's never seen a gay or, or a heroin needle and you want an AIDS test and they probably cost the state like 3000 bucks.
01:04:01.000So eventually doctors were saying, yeah, uh, you don't have AIDS and trying to discourage you from checking.
01:04:26.000If you want to get on a flight and sit next to your friend and they, they're sitting, seating you in different seats, act severely handicapped and they'll put you together with your friend cause they don't want you to bother someone else.
01:04:37.000Uh, there was a health plan called New York health and it was for entrepreneurs and it was 12,000 bucks a year for a whole family.
01:04:52.000The name Gavin McInnes isn't necessarily white.
01:04:54.000Gavin is a weird name to a lot of people, especially Puerto Ricans who's on the phone at the New York Health Clinic.
01:05:01.000So I would call up and speak in Ebonics and say, hello, basically what I'm trying to do, if you will, is obtain New York Health at this time.
01:06:44.000And how dangerous it is and how shit play is really bad and can lead to a lot of diseases like Hep C. So I had to sit down and watch a 20 minute infomercial about men's butts.
01:06:59.000And I couldn't say, yeah, I had kind of assumed this was true.
01:07:18.000Uh, well it's, but it's, it actually is kind of informative because you can, a lot of guys will eat a woman's ass, especially a 25 year old guy living in Montreal.
01:07:46.000They have a piece of bubblegum that comes out once a month.
01:07:48.000There's an Archie comic wrapped around it.
01:07:50.000You'll notice, you'll see guys with jackets on going to various homes in the suburbs with a large bucket and they'll have the Double Bubble or Bubble Yum logo on their jackets.
01:07:59.000That's a factory worker picking up, you know, a year's supply.
01:12:39.000I think that comes from the old days where you'd get a contract, and it would be bad for you, and you wouldn't know because you can't read.
01:12:53.000It's a total waste of fucking money, unless you're going there for chemistry or something.
01:12:57.000And I'll tell you what, even then I have a funny feeling, even in biochemistry, I bet that you'd be better off just being an intern at a lab and learning through there.
01:13:56.000We are 10 grand away from raising a quarter of a million dollars to destroy the SPLC and the SPLC is already falling through our fingers like sand.