In this episode of Thick & Thin I talk about my childhood and how it shaped me into the person I am today. I also talk about how I got into punk and how I ended up with a green mohawk. And I talk a little bit about how stressed out I was as a kid growing up in the 70s and early 80s and how that shaped me to be the way I am now, which is to say, a little stressed out. I hope you enjoy this episode and I hope it makes you feel a little better about being stressed out and stressed out in general. I know I did, and I'm sorry it's taken so long to get back into the swing of things. I promise it'll be better in a minute. I promise. I'll be back next week with a new episode with a brand spanking new episode! Thank you so much for listening and supporting the podcast. I really appreciate it. Love ya, bye. -Jon Sorrentino and thank you for being a friend of the podcast, Jon. Jon is a comedian, writer, podcaster, musician, and podcaster. He also happens to be a good friend of mine and a good human being and a great human being. I appreciate your support, Jon talks about a lot of stuff. and he's a great friend of my podcast and I really hope you like what you're listening to this episode. Tim talks about his life and thinks it's funny. Enjoy, Jon, Jon thinks you like it, too. . Jon's new music, Jon loves you, so much more than you're cool, Jon's music, and he thinks you should listen to it, Jon likes it too much, so he's cool, so you should do something like that, so thank you, Jon says it's just like that and you should try it like that. , and he also likes it, don't be nice, Jon also says so much so that it's good, Jon doesn't know you're a good thing, so don't say it like he does that's good enough, Jon does it better than you do it like you do that's not good enough. ? Jon also talks about how to be kind of like that? - Jon also does it like this, Jon gives me that, can he do it better, Jon has a good job, so do you know what he does it?
Transcript
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00:00:00.000Could you imagine liking Peter Gabriel?
00:00:04.000That song, Sledgehammer, I was listening to it at the gym today and I was just trying to picture some guy coming home after a hard day.
00:00:14.000Americans, middle-class Americans who are still single, like 29-year-old, 30-year-old professionals who are living in a shitty apartment because they're, you know, creating a nest egg so they can get married.
00:00:26.000Those guys, the second they get home, they can't wait to get into their basketball shorts and their socks and their oversized t-shirt.
00:00:36.000My dad, when I was young in the 70s, my dad would be repointing a house on the weekends with his dress shoes on and his slacks and maybe like a string vest or in Britain it was a v-neck sweater vest with nothing on underneath.
00:00:53.000We would go to Disneyland and he'd have on his black work shoes and his slacks and like a t-shirt that said Disney.
00:01:04.000It's funny that we talk about poverty and stuff in America these days because if any of these people in the hood on welfare had to live my middle class existence, they'd be mortified.
00:03:29.000I was talking to a doctor at the bar the other day, and she told me that we have a hidden recessive gene that's called the savage gene.
00:03:38.000And you have to be in peril in order to activate it.
00:03:42.000And if you're always sort of endangered and you're stressed out, then you will live longer because the savage gene kicks in the survival gene.
00:03:53.000So that's why it's healthy to go to the gym.
00:03:56.000That's why Scottish people are so superior because for 800 years, they were attacked by the English and they, all the ones that were weak and didn't like conflict or deed.
00:04:08.000But sorry, I keep going off of tangents.
00:04:10.000I remember one time I came home, I had a green mohawk, I was 18, and I was feeling kind of depressed, as teenagers do.
00:04:17.000Maybe I was about 15, and I came home, and my mom goes, you alright, son?
00:04:23.000And I go, no, I don't know, I'm feeling kind of down.
00:04:25.000And she goes, oh, you go upstairs to your room, listen to some of your punk, and I'll bring you up a plate of soup.
00:04:33.000As she sort of, as she caressed my green bangs.
00:04:38.000That's the least punk thing in the world.
00:04:41.000It's the most Portlandia thing in the world.
00:04:44.000Well, I think it's a Banksy painting where it has like a mom preparing a lunch to some anarchist protester, giving him a sandwich box, something like that.
00:06:06.000No, it's... Every time I, like... I go to the bathroom and try to hide a fart, I, like, bunch up toilet paper and press it against my ass and then fart, and then it's like that.
00:09:23.000McInnes's are leaders and McInnes's are sweeties.
00:09:29.000He's playing baseball, and what they do with their baseball, they're only allowed to have a little wimpy plastic bat.
00:09:35.000They're not allowed to have steel or wooden bats in the school because they go too far.
00:09:39.000So these kids, like they're in prison, they roll up, they saw off the top with the saw, and then they roll up newspaper super duper tight, and they pack it in there with a hammer, and then they duct tape it back up again.
00:09:55.000So it's almost as heavy, it's like they made wood.
00:10:01.000I've heard convicts doing that with magazines and stuff where they roll them up super tight and they spend like days rolling them tighter and tighter and tighter until you basically have a stick.
00:10:11.000Then you can sharpen that and fucking stab a motherfucker.
00:10:17.000But yeah, he was playing baseball and he was giving other kids a chance and he was showing them how to, how to throw.
00:10:24.000And then as some kid was making a home run, he was yelling and patting him on the back.
00:10:59.000And so we're just left with the bitches.
00:11:01.000But, uh, you know, she just, you just stay out of her hair and, uh, you just sort of be around for the moments she's in a, she's in a happy mood and then you just hang out with her.
00:11:12.000But no, she's very personable and despite our political differences, we have the same sense of humor and the same taste in music and all that other stuff.
00:11:23.000Politics is one of maybe like 30 things, you know what I mean?
00:11:27.000There's your taste in design and furniture and friends and all that.
00:11:32.000But she's reading this book called Coney Island something.
00:11:37.000And I was reading the write-up, and it's about a couple, it's a popular book out now, it's about a couple who have been having a, they're both married, but they're in horrible marriages, and they go to Coney Island every month for, I don't know, a day or two, and they have an affair.
00:12:11.000Yeah, Coney Island of the mind Lawrence.
00:12:13.000Okay Anyway, we're going out to karaoke which by the way if you live in the suburbs Going out for karaoke what for a friend's birthday party is $1,000 Didn't I talk about this already?
00:13:28.000So I said, we're walking down the street and I said, any particular reason you're reading a book about two people in horrible marriages that are thoroughly enjoying their affair?
00:16:00.000Melissa Zimdars is an assistant professor from Merrimack College, and this is the caliber of person who's deciding what we can and can't read.
00:16:09.000She's the author of academic papers such as, Watching Our Weights, The Consequences and Contradictions of Televising Fatness in the Quote-Unquote Obesity Epidemic.
00:16:19.000So here she is, not thinking that being fat is unhealthy.
00:16:23.000And, here's another one, having it both ways.
00:16:26.000Two and a half men, entourage, and the televising of juvenile post-feminist masculinity.
00:16:33.000So that, she's a radical feminist, basically.
00:16:36.000Pro-fat, anti-man, and she's deciding what you can and can't read.
00:16:44.000And of course, as Breitbart points out, she totally ignores all the times the left have purported fake news.
00:16:53.000The Trayvon Martin hoax, the hands up don't shoot hoax, the Donald Trump can't win, the Russian collusion hoax, the Brett Kavanaugh serial rapist hoax, which you know the Covington High School Boys hoax.
00:17:03.000I'm looking at all these and I think as far as the libs are concerned these are all still true.
00:17:11.000Trayvon Martin was a sweetie going to get some Skittles.
00:17:15.000Mike Brown or whatever his name was had his hands up and he was saying please don't shoot me.
00:18:52.000The only other time I've seen her that pissed is I was bitching about, and I shouldn't have been bitching about this, it's money in my pocket basically.
00:20:11.000With the American government, I don't know, 150, 200 years ago, the Ho-Chunks signed it, everything was cool, and then the government just didn't pay.
00:20:21.000So the Ho-Chunks sued the government and got interest for this massive amount of money that they had been denied for decades.
00:20:30.000So it's just like being an heir to, say, the Guinness throne.
00:20:33.000You know, Daphne Guinness of Guinness beer.
00:21:00.000She's probably secretly wanted to stab me a million times and even given me the finger behind my head in the hallway of our home, I bet.
00:21:06.000Or got in the car after and just went, FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU
00:22:37.000Cause the next one this exact same sentences on a loop and he's with black cops and I was talking to another cop about well Keith the cop I can say about it and he said if that was 20 years ago
00:22:54.000They would just, there's these little rooms on the subway.
00:22:58.000All the transit cops got a key to them.
00:29:11.000So let's just say what he means is Obama, his politics are too gay positive.
00:29:20.000And he's promoting gay marriage and homosexuality is problematic in the black community because they tend to be more libidinous or more importantly... I'm just pulling all this out of my ass by the way.
00:29:40.000Due to prison, there's more gay sex because more blacks are in prison.
00:29:44.000I had a theory a long time ago that one of the reasons there's this don't do the DL shit, which means don't suck a dick secretly.
00:29:53.000The reason that's even a thing is because guys suck some dicks in prison, whereas that's less common in white culture or any other culture.
00:30:03.000So maybe... What's this pastor's name?
00:30:11.000Um, maybe he's saying that by... Pastor James Manning.
00:30:18.000By being too tolerant of homosexuals and gay marriage and everything else, by normalizing homosexuality, he is hurting this preexisting tendency of, of homosexuality to foster in the black community and break up families and relationships, et cetera.
00:30:36.000And what about for the white homo may take your man?
00:30:50.000But the other funny part is, maybe he's being totally literal, and Barack Hussein Obama has a cauldron in the basement of the White House, where he has sticks and stuff, and... I have arrived, Hussein!
00:32:13.000And he's there, black dude with his purple shirt and his red tie, and he's got his headphones, and he has the video on, I guess, the MIPD computer of this guy going through a red light, right?
00:32:56.000And then the judge is looking at the video and he's looking at this guy's car and his license plate and he goes, um, sir, this is your license plate.
00:33:06.000Well, I don't understand your point here.
00:33:08.000And he goes, no, you see, I go in to the South Bronx, maybe, um, on Saturdays and Sundays.
00:33:18.000On Friday, I'm only there coming home from work.
00:35:13.000And I just, his name was like, he had some like Eastern European name.
00:35:17.000And as he was walking by, I stared at, I was laughing the whole time, but when he turned around and walked out, I was staring at him with these fuck you eyes.
00:35:24.000Because I, that sounded like fuck me eyes.
00:35:28.000I just felt mad on behalf of the people.
00:40:08.000So the woman, or the courts, when they were making sure they had the right guy, they had described the penis and the angle on it, and that it's 30 degrees.
00:40:18.000You know what's a trip about Peyronies?
00:40:20.000I think I got it when I had an ad agency, we were courting Red Bull and Red Bull, everything they do has to involve competition.
00:40:26.000So I said, instead of sports, what about a comedy night?
00:40:29.000It's like a roast battle and there's the winners and it's Red Bull comedy.
00:40:33.000And I worked on this for months and months and that meant ass-licking everyone at Red Bull and going to their events and there's going snowboarding with them several times.
00:40:43.000And the only way I could tolerate that, I'm not a sales guy.
00:40:46.000My sales guy is a sales guy, but there was just two of us.
00:40:48.000We just started the company back then.
00:40:51.000So the only way I can do that is to drink insane amounts of booze and do Adderall.
00:40:56.000So I was basically blackout drunk and getting really, really wasted to get this, to tolerate schmoozing.
00:41:04.000And I, one weekend I just came home and boom, there's a kink in my dink.
00:41:09.000And if you look it up, one of the first things it says is it comes from sex, like you break your dick, like you're doing some crazy porn movie, you're holding her up, and then she falls, and you break your dick.
00:41:20.000And so, when I told my wife, I thought, she's gonna think I'm cheating.
00:41:35.000I'll tell you what though, if you get a really bad kink, like apparently this Mexican man who likes to beat off the girls, likes to Louis CK them, and you're single and 20, my heart goes out to you, dude.
00:43:17.000Number, this is the, I'm going to start with the best one.
00:43:21.000It's called the Sweet Science and trainers are in love with the sport.
00:43:28.000I never met anyone involved in boxing who couldn't wait for a paycheck, but that's I guess because I'm low on the scale I've never really met you know managers and guys who promote fights and stuff But it's it's one of those sports that it's everyone just fucking loves it and during break time They're talking about this fight and that fight and some guy just went a hundred rounds Training for this next big fight that kind of stuff.
00:44:37.000And then he'll talk and talk and talk sometimes till the end of the round.
00:44:42.000Another good trick for sparring, don't put on your headgear very well.
00:44:47.000And after a few punches, it'll go flying off and then they'll go, time, time!
00:44:55.000And you'll have to go over, that'll buy you a whole round of them getting it back on, especially if you've got a weird sort of like buckle on the bottom.
00:45:02.000Same goes with gloves, put on your gloves wrong.
00:45:07.000Don't you got to pretend you're bummed out?
00:45:34.000Anyway, I can't wait to get back in the ring in an hour.
00:45:38.000And another one is if they're really torturing you and you have to do push-ups in between rounds, you pretend you're looking for a good spot where you're not in anyone's way.
00:47:09.000Oh, I went to Italy, it was really fun.
00:47:12.000I worked as a janitor in my university.
00:47:15.000Now, Canada's like Britain, it's really cheap, it was like three grand a year, but I never had any debt, because my janitor's salary would pay for that.
00:47:23.000But I'd be up at 4.30 in the morning, taking the bus in the dark to go to school,
00:47:33.000I just got a flood of memories from that job.
00:47:36.000There was this severely retarded guy named Ron, and I think what they do is there's some program to assimilate the severely handicapped, and so they would just put them in jobs like janitor.
00:48:37.000Which is not great as a janitor when a third of your job is vacuuming.
00:48:40.000We would go into these carpeted bars on campus, and part of it was vacuuming.
00:48:45.000And we had this guy, Jeff, who, this story isn't very nice, but he would go, hey Roy, I got the vacuum cleaner going, and Roy would go, no thank you, no thank you, and he'd go to the other end of the room, and then Roy would go, come on Roy, you need to set up, and he'd go, Jesus, here we go, oh shit, oh shit, sorry, bad word.
00:49:03.000And Jeff would make him vacuum with two vacuum cleaners at the same time.
00:49:09.000They're from the 70s, so they're like... And he's pushing these two industrial vacuum cleaners going, oh boy, here we go, here we go, here we go.
00:49:25.000I was not a good person when I was fucking 18, by the way.
00:49:30.000You know what's funny too about that job?
00:49:34.000The guy hated us because we were kind of lazy and in Canada when you're not working hard you're called a dog fucker.
00:49:40.000So we were fucking the dog a lot and he thought I'm gonna hire some fucking immigrant blacks to work here and then I'll get some work done.
00:50:54.000They love talking shit about Trump and conservatives, but they're pretty cool.
00:50:57.000They're not too politically correct, from what I can tell.
00:50:59.000Do you have any advice for how I can tactfully fuck with them about being annoying liberals while still living at their house for the summer so they don't kick me out?
00:51:09.000Also, any recommendations to do on shit while I'm in D.C.?
00:51:11.000If you're in D.C., you have to go to Kelly's Irish Times, greatest bar in the world.
00:51:16.000But yeah, the way you suck in liberals is with libertarianism and classical liberals.
00:51:22.000So what you do is you spoon-feed them Dave Rubin and Jordan Peterson and even New York's libertarian comedian Dave Smith.
00:51:47.000I got someone to, David Cross, I got him to see the problem with immigration in America.
00:51:52.000It took me a year and a half of arguing.
00:51:55.000So the second part of this response is, is it worth it?
00:51:59.000I'm sure he's back now to hating the wall and hating Trump and stuff, but the way I got him, and I'm not saying I brainwashed him, the way I got him was I just kept saying, dude,
00:52:08.000It only benefits rich whites in both countries.
00:52:12.000That's who benefits from open borders.
00:52:35.000It's like the Dominican Republic, where all the Dominicans in New York sending out their food stamps there, so Dominicans can run a bodega on the free food they got from the East Village.
00:53:22.000But if you're doing it just to fuck with them... You know what?
00:53:25.000Did you ever see somebody who's liberal that's a friend of yours?
00:53:29.000And then they, um... Now, you see them... Somebody's talking shit about Trump and they're like, well... And they kind of like... They start defending.
00:53:39.000They kind of sound like you when you leave them alone.
00:53:42.000Yeah, um, I think the only person that you should red pill is young men.
00:53:47.000And I think those are young men who would have naturally been red-pelled anyway.
00:54:48.000Me and Dexter, my friend, just talking about it, like, we're having long conversations and he realized all he had to offer before was better, like, yeah, but don't you think the system, like, just TJ, just shut up.
00:55:00.000Yeah, you know, I'm actually remembering because I don't hang out with liberals anymore since, um, uh, since, uh, the accident since Trump.
00:56:56.000Now they just blame it on made-up psychiatric conditions that Big Pharma profits on.
00:57:01.000I will say, by the way, and that's from Mike, I will say, if your kids, there's a lot of kids that suck at baseball that would be great at football.
00:57:12.000I think your job, just to be clear here folks, Ryan Katsu Rivera drinks Pinkity Drinkity, which he learned about from a makeup artist named Joseph Charles, who is a raging homosexual.
00:58:25.000You're just going to find the original.
00:58:29.000Maybe if you go, uh, Alexandria Cortez future and then look at that on YouTube because Intercept embedded it.
00:58:37.000Anyway, um, but I would say as a father, it's your job to just keep throwing shit at the wall and see what sticks.
00:58:46.000So you try him out at baseball, and then, like my daughter, I tried her out at softball, she was miserable, she hated going there, she wouldn't be paying attention in the field, and I went, all right, quit.
00:58:56.000says, when his kids tell him they hate doing this thing, he goes, good, I don't like driving here, let's quit together.
00:59:03.000But he went to baseball, and it was just pickup games in the burbs, and he just fucking loved it, and kept wanting to go, and kept reading about baseball, and I was like, well, my job's done here.
00:59:15.000I'll make sure I'm at every game, of course, and I'll play catch with him, but he's stuck there.
00:59:20.000Now, if he sucked at baseball, I would give up on that particular sport and then go to hockey, then go to football, then do lacrosse, maybe even track and field.
00:59:29.000My cousin's kid runs like seven miles a day track and field.
01:01:27.000I'm a 21 year old who has grown up on Marvel movies, but I remain sane enough not to look at those movies for comfort in dealing with real world problems.
01:03:46.000But, like, these thin, fluffy, little thin sweats with the thin sweatpants that you can see where his keys and his wallet are, because they're pulling down the pants.
01:03:56.000So he has to do the drawstring tighter.
01:05:20.000Gavin, this country, specifically our young men, need to embrace your team no wanks message or we are fucked worse than the Avengers were when Thanos got all six stones.
01:05:31.000Oh, thanks for ruining the stupid kids movie.
01:06:38.000It was before Robert Moses built the BQE down there.
01:06:42.000And it was all old Italians, a lot of mob, a lot of Irish, and the kids just ran out the front door the first thing in the morning, were gone all day, and if some lady saw a kid pulling a girl's pigtails, she'd cuff him upside the head.
01:08:54.000I bet you that guy is going to turn out to have real daddy issues.
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01:11:00.000When some old man came up to me at a restaurant and I was wearing a Mets hat and he goes, you're never gonna see a World Series in your lifetime.
01:11:07.000And I just laughed, because he's right.
01:11:20.000We'll see about that, old... I'd be like, you won't, because you're gonna die next week, you old fuck.
01:11:26.000Yeah, there's a million things you can say.
01:11:28.000I think if he was definitely being aggressive and wasn't joking around, I think the appropriate thing to say to an old man like that is just, shut your face, old man.