In this episode, the boys talk about bachelor parties, strip clubs, and how to get a boner in a strip club. Also, I talk about a new trick I learned at the boxing gym and why I don t want my kids in the ring with their dad. I also talk about how much money you should pay your kids to have them grow up in the same house you raised them in and how you should treat them the same way you treat your other kids. And I explain why you shouldn t be friends with your kid s dad when they grow up. Also, you should not be friendly to each other before a fight because you hate each other's guts. I don't know what that means, but it's probably not a good thing. If you don't like your kid's dad, don't worry, I'll tell you what you should do about it. We'll talk about it in the next episode, but for now, enjoy this episode of the boys podcast. Enjoy! -Jon Sorrentino and is a new podcast hosted by John Rocha, a standup comedian from New York based out of Los Angeles. He does standup comedy, standup, sketch comedy, and he's a good friend of mine and I really like him. I hope you enjoy this one. Jon talks about a lot of things, but he also talks about some other stuff too, so you'll get a good night out and have a good time listening to his music and drinking a lot too. . Jon is a great and he doesn't care if you like it or not. John is a good guy, so don't be offended by it's too much. Don't be mad at him, but you should listen to it Jon does it like that. Thank you, Jon loves you, so thank you for listening to this, Jon is cool, Jon, I'm glad you're listening to it, he's cool, good enough, good vibes, good night, you're cool, and you're good enough to be cool, I love you like that's good enough and you can do it, so good, you'll like it, good bye, good day, bye bye, bye, Good night, bye. -JON & Good Night, bye! XOXO, Jon Cheers, bye - Tom, bye Jon, Cheers.
Transcript
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00:00:39.000I'm plagiarizing and not giving credit where credit is due, but it's a show where this guy gets like four or five comedians together, I think on stage and they do a podcast based on one subject and they don't stray from the subject.
00:01:39.000Some guys go, I hate fucking eight circles.
00:01:41.000I just get too horny and you can't do anything.
00:01:43.000No, it's sort of like being a bum and looking in the restaurant window and seeing people eat gourmet food.
00:01:51.000And you're just like, man, that looks great.
00:01:54.000I mean, I guess in that analogy, you'd be drooling and you'd want to eat the food, but... At a strip club, you don't necessarily even want to fuck her.
00:02:01.000You're just like, all men have this instinctual thing, this carrot on a stick, where you're constantly thinking about sex.
00:02:09.000And sometimes you can use it in non-sexual ways.
00:02:13.000Like sometimes if I'm doing a lot of interviews or something and I need a boost, I'll just put on, I'll watch Red Tube for a second, even though we're against porn.
00:02:21.000But just because it's sort of, it's almost like smelling salts.
00:02:25.000You just like see a bunch of naked people doing it and you're like... And then you get back to the interviews.
00:02:32.000I'm just like, oh yeah, there's that part of me.
00:02:35.000It's just like if you were a fat pig, and you're obsessed with Haagen-Dazs, and you had to, you know, go do something you didn't want to do.
00:02:41.000You just stared at the Haagen-Dazs logo.
00:02:43.000In fact, I'm thinking... Someone taught me a trick at the boxing gym.
00:02:58.000I think I'm going to print out a picture of my three kids and have it in my corner when I'm sparring so I can look at them and pretend that the guy hurt my kids because it works.
00:03:09.000And it's not the first time I heard it.
00:03:11.000I remember a Muay Thai guy telling me that when I look at my opponent, I think he's trying to take food out of my kid's mouth and it makes me fight better.
00:06:10.000And it's not a fun riff because you can't say, look at you, you fat pig, because the way you would with your friends, because you're trying to get money off this dude.
00:06:17.000So it's not an enjoyable riff session and then the day you're pitching all day.
00:06:49.000He said, when I started my own company, I had a real problem with it because they're saying no to something I created with my heart and soul.
00:07:35.000So they just rub their buns on your leg and, and you really, it's almost like hunting in the sense that I think a lot of hunters, one of the things they like about the sport, and it is a sport, is you shoot the thing and then you get to go up and have a real good hard look at a giant moose.
00:07:52.000You know, you're curious about mooses when you see them in the, in the forest.
00:08:01.000You think about boobs and butts and buttholes and vaginas all day.
00:08:04.000And here you are looking at one in the wild, up close and personal.
00:08:09.000And you're like, these are the things that have been tormenting me since I was 14.
00:08:12.000This is the thing that's been floating above my head 24 hours a day.
00:08:20.000Dude, you can be working on a construction site moving cement around, and it'll sort of look like a pair of tits for a second, and you'll go, well, that cement looks like a nice pair of fucking tits, man.
00:08:33.000Ooh, those two oranges right next to each other look like a bubble butt.
00:08:37.000It's a curse, and one of the best things about being 48 is it's died down considerably.
00:09:37.000All the way up till now, a lot of Vice employees, which is regrettable because I look at my wedding pictures now and I hate half the people in them.
00:09:45.000But they weren't really there for the bachelor party.
00:09:48.000David Cho, Ben Cho, Derek Beckles, all the Austin guys.
00:09:55.000You don't know my life, so I don't know why I'm telling you all this.
00:09:57.000But the plan was, let's get shithammered.
00:10:42.000Yeah, our bachelor party we just did tons of, we allegedly did tons of drugs and just drank.
00:10:49.000There was barely any food and we almost got kicked out of it.
00:10:52.000It was a big hunting lodge we were at.
00:10:54.000It was pretty insane and super fun, and it was kind of my big last hurrah, you know?
00:11:01.000So you might as well get super tarnished.
00:11:03.000And the kind of inside jokes and riffing, there's these two guys, Blake and Andrew Geddes, really short guys, and they would get so wasted every night they'd pee themselves, and they dressed up like pirates for most of the time, so we were calling them the Pirates of Pisspants, and putting them in the pizza ovens because they could fit.
00:14:18.000Um... Those guys who hunt Wild Game are the best thing that ever happened to Wild Game.
00:14:22.000I know it's counterintuitive, folks, but that's life.
00:14:27.000As the guy who started Greenpeace, Patrick, what's his name, Canadian dude, said, if you want more trees and more forests, buy more lumber, make it economically viable, and people will grow more trees.
00:14:41.000Before you had big game hunting in that shithole called Zimbabwe,
00:14:49.000There was carcasses on every dirt road.
00:14:51.000And seeing an elephant that's been starved to death is a weird sight.
00:15:52.000And if there's one criticism, my biggest criticism of Mugabe besides obviously the rampant slaughter and genocide of his own people, my biggest beef is there's no merch.
00:16:16.000And I have a friend who has, my lawyer, one of my lawyers, she has a maid who's Zimbabwean, and I'm like, get that bitch on the phone with me.
00:17:39.000There's a method to their madness, folks.
00:17:41.000And if it's easier for you to comprehend, maybe look at Ducks Unlimited here in the States, where these duck hunters have done immeasurable good for marshlands.
00:18:43.000He doesn't speak to me, of course, now that I'm a Trumper.
00:18:45.000Boy, liking Trump really wipes out your Rolodex.
00:18:50.000And they don't tell you to the way I knew Scott doesn't love me anymore as I his his wife Lake Bell was on the cover of the fashion supplement in the New York Post and my kids were drawing on her without knowing who she was and it was a funny face and I sent it to him and he didn't didn't return my text.
00:22:19.000And coke heads have this thing where they lose their coke and then they are convinced someone stole it.
00:22:27.000So he goes up to the driver, this black dude, who looked like a young Cornel West, and he's like, hey man, look, I don't want any trouble and I don't want to ruin the party, but I kind of know you have my coke and I kind of want it back.
00:22:42.000And the guy goes, dude, I drove you guys to the dealer.
00:25:40.000But there's obviously the cool ones in Manhattan, like there's that one that's based on a real speakeasy where they drink out of teacups even though they don't have to and there's a little sliding thing where you say a cool secret word and all that stuff.
00:25:58.000This one was, the ones he would go to were just like shitty dive bars with these haggard old alcoholic women and blue collar dudes and were way out in like East New York and South Brooklyn.
00:31:02.000The ones who were in porn, they were molested by their uncle or father.
00:31:07.000And with prostitutes, it was much worse than molesting.
00:31:11.000And that's why they do well in those industries because they can just switch off because they trained switching off when they were getting raped.
00:31:51.000I don't know if you're familiar with eyeballs and ear holes, but audio only deals with the latter.
00:31:58.000So for us to have a picture segment on an audio podcast is one of the dumbest ideas I've ever heard.
00:32:04.000And speaking of dumb, and this has nothing to do with this letter writer, what the fuck is going on with millennials and the dollar sign?
00:32:12.000It is now the norm for $200 to be written $200 sign.
00:32:18.000This used to be reserved for only the most illiterate of gentlemen and now I'm pleasantly surprised when I see the dollar sign on the left.
00:34:40.000Or just, they rip all their clothes off, so now it's four beetles with missing patches of hair, and then it's just a mob surrounding them, just screaming more until everyone's deaf, and piss, rivers of piss.
00:35:40.000Herpes means sores break out well when you first get it it's like once a month but then it goes down to like once a year then you don't even get them on your genitals anymore and you'll get like a cold sore on your lip when you're super stressed out like if your parents are in town and then you'll have a sore on your lip for a few days big fucking deal don't make out with people with sores on their lips
00:36:02.000God, if we're worried about herpes, this reminds me of the time Joe Biden's son, everyone was freaking out because he had done cocaine.
00:36:51.000The reason that light-skinned blacks are so radical, Malcolm X-y, is because they get shit from darker-skinned blacks who say, you're a sellout, you suck, you've crossed over the dark side, you're not one of us.
00:37:03.000So they overdo it to not appease white people, but to appease black people.
00:38:28.000Well, I get sent home the next day, and I get called to the office.
00:38:30.000I thought it was gonna be about me, like, bullying some idiot, but no, as soon as I sat down, the principal starts accusing me of sexual harassment.
00:40:25.000There's supposed to be a little bit of drama there.
00:40:28.000And they've ruined sex with all these rules.
00:40:31.000But, as far as my boys go, when I get older, I'm gonna say, like, get permission, get the app.
00:40:38.000There's things that basketball players have.
00:40:42.000Cop showed me once and it's like a little card that says I consent to be with blank And you fill it in and blah blah blah and you check off boxes and stuff.
00:40:50.000It's a big card like when I say big I mean like six by two They carry around a stack of them How romantic I got one Well, let's see what this is No, that's someone sending a funny video
00:41:23.000As soon as I spoke up and tried to convince him otherwise, he claimed that opening a door for a woman is inferring that she is helpless and that men who do that are attempting to dominate them.
00:41:56.000I'll tell you what opening the door means.
00:41:57.000It means thank you, women, for creating Earth.
00:42:02.000It is recognizing that women are sentient beings and they can make babies.
00:42:07.000Sometimes I feel like, like I don't sit down on the subway cause it's not worth always looking up to see if there's an old lady or a pregnant lady or something.
00:42:13.000I'll just, you guys keep the seats, have them.
00:42:18.000But sometimes I feel like saying, before I get up, have you had kids or do you intend to have kids?
00:42:50.000This guy adds, after that class you spoke to him and asked if he would ever consider going on your show for a debate and he agreed.
00:42:57.000He said let me know if you're interested.
00:42:58.000No, I'm not inviting strangers to a show.
00:43:01.000So yeah, in the normal world, women aren't kick-ass in kick-ass movies because that's not their personality, but they don't care because they know they are the magic wizards that provide human life.
00:46:06.000Intercourse not intercourse, but he had sexual relations with that woman many times and many comedians said yeah He'd always asked first Sarah Silverman said it was exciting Janine Garofalo miss fucking left-wing super liberal Nazi She literally has a tattoo on her arm of a bleeding heart She said yeah, yeah, he has permission.
00:46:50.000And it was like he was reading women's minds.
00:46:52.000It was like he was a woman wanting to give a BJ in the bit.
00:46:56.000And then he talks about how his wife, eventually wives, have sex with you just so you don't go shooting up some fucking place.
00:47:04.000He said, they're just, just before we start a world war, you give us a release.
00:47:09.000But it's not like you're dying to do it.
00:47:10.000And then he describes, and this could have ruined his marriage, for all we know.
00:47:14.000But he describes his, the pathetic hand job his wife gave him and how he ended up grabbing her hand and just using her hand as like, another hand.
00:47:48.000Um, so yeah, but it's still, most marriages, I think they, well, I shouldn't say most marriages, a large swath of marriages get ruined by porn, by beating off, it separates you from your wife, and I swear to God, when you don't beat off, you just walk down the street different.
00:48:03.000You just feel like going, yeah, you got a problem?
00:48:42.000I keep losing job after job because of my loud piece of shit personality that I can't seem to turn off and it's affecting me to the point of homelessness.