In this episode, I talk about the fear gland and how it affects your ability to be brave, and how to deal with it. I also talk a little bit about my time in the punk band Leatherass Buttfuck, and some of the crazy things we did on stage in the early 80s and early 90s. I hope you enjoy this episode and that you can relate to it in some way, because it's a good one. -Jon Sorrentino Music: "Punk Rock" by Leatherass buttfuck Art: Macklemore and Ryan Lewis Editor: Mike Carrier Logo by KEVIN MILLER Theme by Mavus White Music: Fair Weather Fans Credits: "Goodbye Outer Space" by Fountains of Wayne "Outer Space Warning" by The Beach Boys (feat. The Smiths) is a production of Native Creative Podcasts . This episode was produced by Riley Bray and edited by Alex Blumberg with additional mixing and mastering by Matt DesLaurier featuring special thanks to John Rocha of the Electric Light Orchestra & his band, The Pussycat Dolls , and our good friend, The Dukes. and , from the band, in tribute to the legendary punk rock band "Rudimentary Peni . and his band "The Proud Boys" from the late 80s/early 90's and early 00's "RADIO! . . . and , from the legendary band "Fartless" by the band "Peezy Peezy Peni". I'm not allowed to be a dumb idiots." by the Proud Boys. , I'm sorry for not being a dumb idiot, but I'm finally realizing that I can be a bad guy, so I guess I could be a good guy. I can finally be a better guy than a good dude than a dumbass. - Jon talks about being a bad ass. -Jon talks about it. - Jon is a lot of things. - I'm just not a dumb guy. -Jon talks about that. - - I guess he's finally getting a chance to be okay. - JON talks about how to be an idiot. -I think he's not a bad dude. - John talks about some other stuff too.
Transcript
Transcripts from "Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes" are sourced from the Knowledge Fight Interactive Search Tool. You can also explore and interact with the transcripts here.
00:00:07.000I used to make fun of police for getting to retire after 20 years and getting a full pension, which I believe adds up to 4 million bucks, by the way.
00:00:17.000They'll lie, and they'll say, oh no, I'm not making that much.
00:01:26.000Until they're just going to some house where some guy's gonna kill his kids and they're like... Don't kill your kids or I'm gonna shoot you.
00:02:39.000And it would be all about how we can make this as entertaining as humanly possible.
00:02:42.000I was remembering a scene recently where we did a cover of Tequila but we called it Diarrhea and it was... Diarrhea!
00:02:58.000And I would put the mic out to the audience for the diarrhea part.
00:03:02.000And I swear to God, man, I remember them having these looks in their eyes that were something out of Game of Thrones, Walking Dead, Zombie, Apocalypse, Insanity.
00:03:27.000I remember thinking what if I tapped into here?
00:03:29.000This is bizarre I gotta go at the back door from the diarrhea patrol these guys love diarrhea But now What are we now 30 years later 35 years later?
00:05:25.000Holy shit, it's possible that the state noticed that men of a certain age have this voracious appetite for danger and stupidity and it makes them easy cannon fodder for superfluous wars like Iraq and Afghanistan.
00:08:26.000I'd rather kiss a homeless man on the lips than sneeze.
00:08:30.000That's dying down and then this fucking cop with his fearless gland Nailed me today because he has no fear and when you punch him in the face It's like it's like smacking him on the buttocks like in sports and in baseball where they go good play Or in football.
00:08:46.000That's what cops feel when you punch them in the face.
00:08:49.000I don't like it It's like when you're it's like dancing with someone who has a taser You can't really get into the groove when you know at any moment
00:09:58.000I did a video about it, a comedy sketch.
00:10:01.000uh called the m word and i hired a bunch of firemen to uh to uh uh do it with me it was for vans i think they've deleted all my videos because i'm the hate figure now but it was a funny video we had a funeral there was a funeral for the n word around that time this is like 2009
00:10:17.000And they literally buried the n-word in a coffin.
00:10:22.000So we had a funeral for the m-word and we put a marshmallow in a tiny little casket, all these hipsters did, and we buried it.
00:10:29.000This is right after I left Vice and I still had some currency.
00:10:36.000But yeah, it took me a few days to realize, oh yeah, you were making fun of me when you were giving him shit for snapping my fucking peanut brittle ribs.
00:10:45.000And it reminds me of this comedian, Nate Barsgate.
00:14:46.000Whatever it was, God sprinkled some of it on you, and you got it.
00:14:49.000He's not particularly witty, his concepts... Like, you listen to someone like Louis C.K., and he really reaches for crazy shit, defending pedophiles, and talking about how if murder was legal, we'd do it all the time.
00:15:03.000And he'd talk about how you'd just shoot Barbara like...
00:15:51.000Maybe they were changing their names to John and Jane Doe, something like that.
00:15:53.000But he goes, then I was driving the other day and I was on the road and I was thinking, wait a minute, they were lying to me.
00:16:02.000And it took them 30 years to realize that John and Jane Doe, or not John and Jane Doe, they were fucking lying.
00:16:11.000And it's sort of like that with those guys giving Hydro Man shit about breaking my ribs, and I was like, hey guys, take it easy on him, man.
00:16:17.000I was coming at him, too, pretty hard.
00:16:19.000They were joking because they know Hydro Man could obliterate me.
00:16:23.000So they're pretending that he was too mean.
00:16:27.000And then what the fuck's your problem, man?
00:21:26.000You know, I used to go to Costa Rica every year.
00:21:29.000And I would see these garbage barges, and Central Americans, I don't know who taught them science, but in Costa Rica, they take a garbage barge out to the middle of the water, you know, the middle of the ocean, not the middle of the ocean, maybe two miles into the ocean, and then just drop it, drop all their garbage.
00:21:51.000So, things that float don't sink to the bottom, believe it or not, which is a lot of shit.
00:21:58.000Actually, the only shit that doesn't is shit.
00:22:02.000And so the beaches that aren't, you know, super touristy and manned are covered in flip-flops, combs, and shampoo bottles.
00:22:11.000Those seem to dominate the floating detritus.
00:22:16.000You in the suburbs with your stupid little fucking green bucket where you put all your things there, then you have the separate one for paper, then your other one for juice boxes.
00:23:20.000Knowing the intense layers of wit that every joke I have has, I was referring to the movie Jaws, where they conduct an autopsy and they find, among other things, a Louisiana license plate.
00:23:35.000And to further that insider info, I would mention that part of the code was 007.
00:23:40.000It was Spielberg's homage to James Bond.
00:23:45.000We're dealing with a lot of layers here, folks.
00:24:00.000I used to do a lot of comedy sketches.
00:24:02.000I'm very proud of some of the ones that are popular, like How to Fight a Baby and If Men Ran Fashion, but there's other ones like Nigel Norris or something, Right in the Queen's Onions.
00:24:12.000That one bombed, but I thought it was really fucking funny.
00:24:18.000But I literally cannot do comedy sketches because I'm so banished.
00:24:22.000Like for my Christmas card, I do a funny Christmas card every year that I can't show you because I have stalkers, you know, trying to get my kids.
00:24:29.000So I have to keep it on the DL and just send it to friends.
00:24:33.000But I have a great Christmas card every year.
00:24:35.000One year we were Krusty Punks and we discovered touring with all these bands and I just talked about the bands the whole time.
00:24:41.000One time we were into dancing and I talked about our dance instructor and what a great relationship my wife and him have.
00:24:48.000The kids are always in the background neglected.
00:24:51.000Like literally dirty and wearing diapers even though they're eight years old and one of them was we were billionaires now and we feel sorry for all the poor people and the letter was written to people that are getting the card saying maybe you one day if you keep trying you can be at this level and I know some super rich I know this was super rich dude out in the Hamptons and I used his house for the shot and all his cars are in the background and one of the things I had was a Louis Vuitton bag which is fake and
00:26:35.000And to be honest, I've used that cheat too.
00:26:38.000Like when we had an anti-Sharia demonstration in New York,
00:26:43.000We were clearly trying to bait the Antifa and the far left into coming out and protesting it because now they're pro-Sharia and now they're pro a system that wants women to be second-class citizens.
00:29:17.000And then they had this other guy, the guy I talked about on my last show, I guess I'm repeating points here, but they had that other guy Putnam or something.
00:30:40.000But I've been having some funny ideas and I'd like to share some of them with you because maybe you could make them as sketches.
00:30:48.000Just today I was thinking how funny it would be if there was a black rights thing with, not Farrakhan per se, but just like, brothers and sisters, we need to wake up because they are leaving the hood with barrels full of money day by day, year by year, decade by decade.
00:31:05.000So you have that guy come up and then the third guy, same like black suit with a skinny black tie is me.
00:31:37.000And you know the problem with this sketch is as we were talking about it I was so proud of myself for being hilarious and then I realized it's an episode of King of Queens.
00:33:04.000It would be like hearing that Will Ferrell and Jeremy Piven and Mark Ruffalo were doing a Sex Pistols special where they were dressing up as the band.
00:33:15.000I wouldn't be able to watch it because I'd be so worried about them ruining my fond memories.
00:33:48.000And putting it somewhere and saying what about this like modern art where they I think it was Jeff Koons first First foray into the modern art world he took a bunch of vacuum cleaners popular expensive vacuum cleaners, and he framed them with like a pedestal and plexiglass and Put them in an art museum and all of a sudden you're looking at a vacuum as a piece of art And you realize Jesus these things are beautiful like they're really impressive Who made this?
00:34:29.000That's what, by the way, that's an African American ebonic saying, don't get it twisted, and when I was in Paris reporting on the Bataclan shooting, I was in northern Paris where all the Muslims are, and I was interviewing people on the street, and some French woman, who were the thorn in my side the entire time, comes up and she's like, don't get it twist!
00:34:49.000Meaning, don't make this about Muslims and making Muslims look bad.
00:34:53.000Well, they did just shoot about 85 people.
00:34:58.000And rip their guts out and cut their balls and cock off and feed it to them as they were dead.
00:35:04.000So, you'll forgive me if, um... I'm investigating.
00:35:11.000That kind of became an inside joke with Pat Dixon and I. After that.
00:35:16.000Um, by the way, speaking of, uh, a thorn, I was watching Animal Planet the other day and they were, they were in the jungles of, I think Nairobi.
00:35:29.000The fact that there's untouched land there in this day and age, you're seeing elephants and, and monkeys, and it was right out of the jungle book.
00:35:39.000I'm watching this and they had this hidden footage of, uh, it, it was, uh, an elephant.
00:35:47.000And they are genuinely scared of mice.
00:35:50.000And it was an elephant and it was acting erratic.
00:35:53.000And of course, you know, these guys will film the jungle for a thousand hours and eventually get, you know, the money shot.
00:36:01.000So this scene, which God knows how hard it was to catch this, was this elephant and it was acting erratic and probably because a mouse was there.
00:36:09.000And then you could see that the mouse had kind of a thorn.
00:36:13.000Sorry, the elephant had something on its foot that was hurting it, like some sort of a thorn.
00:36:19.000And you could see the mouse sort of going back and forth to the elephant that was getting less trepidatious as the mouse would go back and forth.
00:36:26.000And this is all, they have all this on camera.
00:36:28.000And then, unbelievable, you see the mouse sort of grab at the elephant's, what do you call that, a hoof?
00:37:32.000And you can tell the mouse is pulling it out for the elephant.
00:37:36.000And then this could be in my head, but it seemed like, I know it's going to sound crazy, but it seemed like they were negotiating some sort of a deal afterwards.
00:37:58.000Anthropomorphizing the animals and making them into humans.
00:38:01.000But it looked like they were negotiating something that involved the mouse going to the back of the elephant.
00:38:06.000And then, and it's going to sound crazy, but I swear to God, the mouse seemed to scurry up the back legs of the elephant and start fucking it in the ass.
00:38:17.000Like he moved the tail as much as a mouse could and it was moving and I could tell it was way north of the elephant's vagina.
00:38:26.000And the mouse seemed to be holding on to the top of the tail, pumping at it.
00:38:29.000And then they sort of cut back, and you see this family of chimps.
00:38:35.000And the patriarch, I guess the alpha chimp, was just getting up, maybe from a nap, and he had his wife there, or whatever, I don't know if they're monogamous, but there was females there, there was kids there, and they were much higher up in a tree, but they were near the elephant.
00:38:48.000And you could see the chimp wake up and he does his stretching, you know, as one does.
00:41:05.000Anyway, so this elephant's getting reamed with a piece of rice, and this chimp clearly sees it, and, um, the monkey, you can see him grab a coconut, and you can see he doesn't like what he's seeing.
00:41:17.000And I don't think it's homophobic, I mean it's kind of bestiality in a weird way.
00:41:22.000And you can see him on the animal planet, he arches back like Cinderguard, and he launches the coconut at this elephant, and it nails the elephant so fucking hard.
00:41:34.000It looked like it came out of a cannon, and it goes PONG!
00:44:24.000Okay, what about this for an idea, another sketch idea I had that I could never make, so please steal this idea from me.
00:44:29.000It's Freddie Mercury, it's a Queen concert, and you can't obviously use this song because it's a billion dollars so you can only talk about it, but it's Queen coming back backstage and it's a bunch of bros
00:44:42.000Like with cut off shirts hanging out in the green room and then you have Freddie Mercury and I think the funny way to do Freddie Mercury if it was me I just dye my mustache black and then I get like hillbilly front teeth stuck in that would be trouble I mean that would be tricky because it's hard to orate when you have those joke teeth in but that might help the joke and uh
00:45:04.000So Freddie Mercury comes in after the concert and they're like, dude that was fucking awesome!
00:45:09.000He's like, thank you very much, thanks.
00:45:12.000You know, when we get out there we're just trying to rock them all, we're just trying to inspire the crowd, make people enjoy themselves, you know what I mean?
00:45:19.000And they go, oh my god, that fucking song, Fat Bottom Girls, you make the rockin' world go round!
00:45:53.000And then you have woman with fat asses in the crowd and basically I mean sorry backstage and you keep ramping it up as he awkwardly pretends he likes fat bottom girls because he's obviously a raging homosexual he's the singer of a band called Queen which we didn't really catch on to in the 70s for some reason and then at the end you give him
00:46:13.000A girl with a gigantic ass and you say, why don't you fucking dig into that, buddy?
00:46:45.000You know, there's, there's a certain tattoo.
00:46:47.000When people get a tattoo of their baby, they use the finest tattoo needle, like the one or whatever it is, the 0.0001.
00:46:55.000And it's like this soft gray and the baby always looks the same.
00:46:58.000And then it says her name below it, like, uh,
00:47:02.000Cassidy and I thought it'd be funny to get that tattoo somewhere and it's people go oh is that your daughter you go no no I just it's my friend's daughter it just I think she's an absolute angel I think she's really beautiful I just like her and then that led me to the idea wouldn't it be funny like my youngest son is six his best friend is black
00:47:26.000And wouldn't it be funny if that was my friend?
00:47:28.000And I would just bring him to hang out and play poker with the guys.
00:47:31.000People would go, is this your stepson?
00:48:09.000Alright, here's my last idea, and I've talked about this one before.
00:48:12.000And I would shoot this if I was allowed in the creative community.
00:48:16.000And I probably told you about this before, so humor me if you've already heard it, but for a long time now, I've been wanting to do a sketch about a family band.
00:48:25.000But instead of it being country or Christian rock, they are inspired by Prince.
00:48:31.000And the mother and the father are intensely sexual towards each other, where the 16-year-old son, drummer, and the 14-year-old girl, keyboardist,
00:48:46.000They don't enjoy their outfits, where they have one sleeve on, one sleeve off, and short shorts, and pink leather pants, and a big hole where their butt is.
00:48:55.000And the lyrics include the line, I like to licky licky when the dick gets sticky.
00:49:03.000And then the mom has her bass and she's like slinking down super low to the crotch of the prince dad.
00:49:19.000Actually, Notable Wig are playing at Mercury Lounge.
00:49:21.000Yeah, they're opening up for... Yeah, you know what I'm learning from this portion of the podcast?
00:49:25.000To talk about how funny you are, and how it's a crime that you're not allowed to do sketches, and then you list all the funny things you could do, sort of makes it sound like you deserve to be banished from the funny community.
00:49:41.000But trust me, if I had the script and I worked with my boys, Brian Gaynor and Chadwick Moore, you would be seeing intense, high-quality comedy.
00:50:49.000So basically to comfortably do it, where it's awesome and everyone's relaxed, is 15 grand.
00:50:54.000To bare, bare, bare bones, where people are kind of pissed off and you might not get it on time and people are in a bad mood, is like five grand.
00:51:15.000I mean Crowder's got an infrastructure, but he's got a studio, a big massive film studio, and he just uses the people he works with as the people in the sketches.
00:51:26.000So his engineer is playing like nine different roles in a thing.
00:51:31.000All right, so I talked about Telegram.
00:51:36.000We haven't talked about Archie Bunker because I haven't seen it yet.
00:53:30.000Yeah, part of it too was I was listening to Howard Stern and they were talking about Don Imus and how he treated everyone he worked with like shit, but especially the salespeople.
00:53:39.000And I kind of remember that about Vice.
00:53:43.000I designed the office such that the editorial was in one side of the office and the advertising was in the other.
00:53:49.000And they would narrate the two show meet, and we would always fuck with the advertising guys, and it was a way of me maintaining editorial integrity.
00:53:57.000You know, I refused advertorials, which the Vice UK would do all the time, much to my chagrin.
00:54:03.000But, uh... Yeah, I was such a dick to them, and it was just not... cool.
00:54:09.000Like I remember one time, one of the sales guys was getting some sort of radio investment, iHeartRadio or something, and we were big on care jokes at the time.
00:54:24.000Oh, well, good news, my care is also totally broken.
00:54:29.000Like, everything was I don't care put in a funny way.
00:54:32.000And the guy was walking out, sales dude, and just sarcastically, because I was such a dick to the salespeople, he was walking out, and I went, oh, you guys headed out?
00:56:41.000Stop me if I've told you this before, but a local bar was showing American Ninja Kid Warrior.
00:56:47.000So it's American Ninja for kids, right?
00:56:50.000And the bar was packed with families watching it on the big screen, super loud, because a local girl was in it!
00:57:00.000So they have all the right to be there, blare the TV, watch their daughter jumping, leaping over things.
00:57:06.000You know Matt Iceman who does American Ninja?
00:57:09.000I emailed him recently because I know him and I said, dude, I had a brilliant idea for a show.
00:57:14.000It's American Dad Ninja where it's not that hard.
00:57:17.000And it has guys like me, fat dads with dad bods, normcore.
00:57:22.000Just like sort of jumping and getting on a thing and, oh shit, and falling off.
00:57:27.000And he sent me back a picture of his foot, which was just destroyed with pins and, you know, steel shit in it to re-support his foot thing.
00:57:39.000Like his foot looked like it had been shot with a cannon.
00:57:42.000And he goes, this is what happened to me last time I tread the course.
00:57:44.000And I go, yeah, that's what I'm saying.
01:00:03.000When he was a young man, he was on the bus in Glasgow, Scotland, and some dog fucked a woman's arm.
01:00:11.000Just like that mouse showed that elephant who's boss.
01:00:15.000And he watched the dog ejaculate onto the woman's arm.
01:00:19.000And it was her dog, and she just wiped it off with a tissue.
01:00:23.000My dad was probably 11 and he was so mortified that he's hated dogs ever since I think I think my Grandmother had puppies not out of her vagina But she had a dog that had puppies and his job was to take the puppies to the pound to have them put down and he got like two pounds to do it and I believe he threw the bag of puppies into the Clyde and
01:00:45.000The river in Glasgow, and they just drowned, and then he kept the money.
01:00:51.000My dog growls at him all the time, which I assume means he kicked it at some point when I wasn't around.
01:00:56.000Because my dog doesn't growl at anyone.
01:01:00.000So he's drunk, and it's when we were shooting, by the way, that Death the Cool, the movie of my book, he's in it.
01:01:07.000He plays himself at the end of a scene, and it'll never see the light of day, unfortunately, thanks 20th Century Fox Digital.
01:01:16.000By the way, when I throw that out there, I feel like there's going to be some person listening that has this incredible influence and is just going to, like, make the movie happen.
01:01:50.000If you see a Scotsman do it, it means violence and sarcasm.
01:01:54.000So he's holding his wrist with his hands behind his back and he sort of saunters over to this guy with these two dogs that look like they're in a dog show.
01:02:03.000They're white, matching, and they have long Farrah Fawcett white hair that's been beautifully combed and it's blowing in the wind like they're hot.
01:02:14.000They're like sexy dogs with flowing white feathered hair and they match.
01:02:20.000And my dad wants to slit both their throats and he hates the man who owns them and he wants to beat up that man and start a fight in the park in front of my house.
01:02:30.000So he walks over to the guy and he goes, What majestic beasts you have there, sir?
01:02:37.000And me and my brother are going, Dad, let's go.