Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes - June 10, 2019


#145 | Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise


Episode Stats

Length

1 hour and 9 minutes

Words per Minute

178.29268

Word Count

12,427

Sentence Count

1,183

Misogynist Sentences

93

Hate Speech Sentences

101


Summary

In this week's episode, the boys talk about the recent Screech vs. Horseshack boxing match, Justin Bieber vs Tom Cruise, and why you shouldn't be allowed to call someone out for wanting to fight you. They also talk about how the alt-right is getting more and more radical, and whether or not that's a good or bad thing. Also, the guys talk about why they don't think you should be able to call out someone who wants to punch you in the face and why it's a bad idea to do so. And, of course, there's a whole lot of other stuff going on, including a new segment called "Dangerous" where the boys try to figure out who's more dangerous than the other side and why they think they should be called "The Other Side." Don't miss it! Logo by Courtney DeKorte. Theme by Mavus White. Music by PSOVOD and tyops. Subscribe to, Rate, review, and subscribe to our new music streaming service, SoundCloud, and Podchaser. If you like what you hear, please leave us a review and a rating and review on Apple Podcasts! Subscribe, and tell a friend about what you're listening to, and we'll send us your thoughts on what you think of the show and what you'd like to hear in the next episode of Thick & Thin. Thank you for listening to Thick and Thin & Thin, and spread the word out to your friends about the podcast. and share it around the world. Peace, Love, Blessings, Cheers, Joe and Cheers. Cheers! -Your Hosts, Joe, Joseph P. -Jon Sorrentino -PJ & Joe, Sarah, -J.J. & Sarah, Jr. -Sue, Jr., -Ben, Sr. -Josie, Sriram, J. & Ben, Sr., J. ( ) - Ben, B. J., B. & B.J., & Ben J., Jr., & K. (Isaac, etc., etc. -BEN J., Sr. . - Thank you, Ben, J., J., Ben, & Ben & J.B. & G. & KEVIN, etc. , etc., Thank you so much, Ben and Ben, Ben & G?


Transcript

00:00:00.000 Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise.
00:00:04.000 I think Justin Bieber would win.
00:00:06.000 Just because he's younger and he'll have better cardio.
00:00:11.000 Although MMA is weird, right?
00:00:13.000 Wrestling is weird in general.
00:00:14.000 I've fought with wrestlers and they have all these weird moves where the next thing you know his legs are wrapped around you like an anaconda.
00:00:23.000 So if he uses one of his weird moves then he's dead.
00:00:28.000 But
00:00:32.000 Who doesn't want to see that fight?
00:00:35.000 But it's also for losers.
00:00:36.000 Remember there was celebrity boxing matches and it would be like the guy from the Brady Bunch and some other washed up old sitcom guy, like the dude from ALF?
00:00:46.000 It's what you do when you're really desperate for cash and your life sucks.
00:00:51.000 You know, there was, um... I think it was Horschak.
00:00:55.000 Anthony Cumia told me this story.
00:00:57.000 It was Horschak.
00:00:57.000 Remember from Welcome Back, Cotter?
00:00:59.000 Mr. Cotter!
00:01:01.000 The really nerdy Jewish guy.
00:01:03.000 It was him and I believe Screech from the first, one of the early seasons of Real World on MTV.
00:01:12.000 And Screech and Horschak made a deal.
00:01:15.000 And Horschak said, look, I cannot be punched in the face.
00:01:19.000 I'll do this, I'll agree to it, but you and I have to separately agree, you cannot punch me in the face.
00:01:24.000 I won't be able to handle it.
00:01:25.000 And Screech goes, whatever man, it's really good money.
00:01:27.000 I bet it wasn't even, I bet it was like 100 grand.
00:01:31.000 Um, it's really good money.
00:01:32.000 And yeah, I agree to your terms.
00:01:35.000 And then Screech proceeded to just punch the shit out of him.
00:01:40.000 Maybe I should be saying this on a video show.
00:01:42.000 Screech and Horshack.
00:01:48.000 Screech Horshack boxing part one of three.
00:01:50.000 Oh, it's online.
00:01:51.000 So yeah, apparently Screech just said, yeah, I'm not doing that.
00:01:55.000 And began to punch him in the face like a maniac.
00:01:58.000 Oh my God.
00:01:59.000 Yeah.
00:01:59.000 You got to look it up.
00:02:00.000 Screech Horseshack Boxing Part Three of Three.
00:02:04.000 And he's super old in it.
00:02:06.000 He's white haired.
00:02:07.000 Like Welcome Back Connor was on in the eighties.
00:02:10.000 God, he's just getting nailed.
00:02:13.000 Oh, that's funny.
00:02:15.000 Um, yeah.
00:02:19.000 I don't understand this whole concept of calling someone out.
00:02:22.000 People have been asking to fight me since I was a little kid.
00:02:25.000 And I understand if you're in school together, that makes sense.
00:02:28.000 But the idea that someone from across the world can just say, I want to fight you.
00:02:32.000 And the person that's, do I get to just look at supermodels and go, I want to fuck you.
00:02:36.000 I'm afraid that's not the deal.
00:02:40.000 No, you're not allowed.
00:02:42.000 Um, a lot of news this week.
00:02:47.000 Uh,
00:02:50.000 Go to Dangerous.com.
00:02:52.000 Milo did a 10,000 word diatribe about these two gay dudes who've been ripping off Tommy Robinson, Ezra Levant, working with Antifa to dox me and tell them what my itinerary is, what flight I'm on, what hotel I'm staying at so Antifa can kill me.
00:03:08.000 Not very good buddies, Cowlin and George.
00:03:12.000 Um, and then there was, uh,
00:03:16.000 A front page of the New York Times article, really badly written by this beta male, and it said that we, Paul Joseph Watson, me, I'm actually in all the pictures, but I'm not in the article anywhere, but me, Lauren Southern, all these people have been, Stefan Molyneux, Paul Joseph Watson, pretty moderate, slightly conservative people, have been radicalizing youth and bringing them to the alt-right in a decentralized cult.
00:03:41.000 That was in there.
00:03:43.000 And they don't, this article doesn't say in what way these YouTubers are radical, it's just a given.
00:03:53.000 That's the way the left works now.
00:03:55.000 They've demonized the other side so, with such fervor,
00:04:00.000 That now it's just given that David Duke is Paul Joseph Watson, is Alex Jones, is me, is all of them.
00:04:09.000 They even include this guy Philip P, Philly P, Philly Pete, what's his name?
00:04:14.000 Ryan, what's that guy's name?
00:04:17.000 Philip DeFranco, who's a liberal.
00:04:20.000 But he's dared to give the other side one second of airtime and that means now he's alt-right.
00:04:26.000 If you're not 100% with us, you're 100% against us.
00:04:29.000 That's the new thing.
00:04:30.000 If you don't think there's more than two genders, you're Hitler.
00:04:34.000 The end.
00:04:38.000 And then third, we also had in the news that April Glazer of Slate is the one who pressured Chase Bank to start debanking conservatives.
00:04:49.000 And Antifa and these journalists do the same thing.
00:04:52.000 They put it as a question, because that's the way you keep it.
00:04:55.000 Antifa does it because they don't want to get charged.
00:04:57.000 Journalists do it because they basically are taking cues from Antifa.
00:05:01.000 And they go, did you know that you're presently working with someone who's been designated as a hate group by the Southern Poverty Law Center?
00:05:07.000 Again, you don't have to question the Southern Poverty Law Center.
00:05:11.000 All that is a given.
00:05:12.000 And what the subtext of the question is, is, you know, I'm going to expose you, right?
00:05:18.000 And you'll be known as the Nazi bank if you don't debank them right now.
00:05:22.000 So it's journalists as activists.
00:05:25.000 They don't ask questions.
00:05:27.000 It's written as an interrogative.
00:05:28.000 It ends with a question mark, but they're not asking a question.
00:05:32.000 It's a threat.
00:05:35.000 And it's extortion.
00:05:37.000 It's like the Westies.
00:05:39.000 Hey, uh, I was wondering why, uh, you're leaving yourself vulnerable to attacks.
00:05:44.000 Why wouldn't you want to, uh, be safe and not have your windows smashed?
00:05:48.000 Wouldn't you want to rely on, say, us for protection?
00:05:51.000 That seems logical to me.
00:05:52.000 I don't understand.
00:05:54.000 Yes, here, Westy.
00:05:55.000 Here's all my money.
00:05:58.000 Uh... Oh yeah, I'm confirmed I'm doing a free speech thingy on June 6th in D.C.
00:06:04.000 What is that again now?
00:06:06.000 Uh...
00:06:08.000 It's like a thing for freedom.
00:06:10.000 That's what it should be called.
00:06:12.000 Thing for freedom.
00:06:17.000 Where is it now?
00:06:20.000 June 6.
00:06:20.000 I'll dig it up.
00:06:23.000 Sorry, I'm not doing a very good job with this, am I?
00:06:26.000 Yeah, it's in DC.
00:06:27.000 It's going to be hot in July.
00:06:30.000 Did I say June 6?
00:06:31.000 I meant July 6.
00:06:36.000 Yeah, July 6th, 12 p.m., Freedom Plaza, Washington, D.C.
00:06:39.000 Freedom Q&A, VIP lounge event, 7-11 p.m.
00:06:43.000 Stop the bias.
00:06:45.000 And there's a bunch... Demand free speech is the hashtag, all one word.
00:06:52.000 Do you like doing research with me together?
00:06:55.000 I was gonna be on vacation with my family, but I thought, I can't miss this.
00:07:00.000 What to wear, though?
00:07:02.000 Can you wear a suit?
00:07:05.000 Ryan, what are you doing in there?
00:07:09.000 Taking a really weird shit.
00:07:12.000 What a loser.
00:07:15.000 Um... I want to get into the mailbag because there's some good stuff there, but... Yeah, there's been... This whole kids and homosexuals thing is starting to get on my nerves.
00:07:29.000 I was watching hockey this weekend and they said, so gays can play hockey too.
00:07:34.000 And you're like, yeah, thanks.
00:07:36.000 I know.
00:07:36.000 Why don't you have a commercial next that says it's okay for gays to own a dog.
00:07:41.000 You know, gays can wear hats and they can wear pink hats.
00:07:45.000 Yeah, thanks.
00:07:46.000 Thanks for the heads up.
00:07:47.000 Why are you so worried about kids and homosexuality?
00:07:50.000 Isn't homosexuality sexuality?
00:07:53.000 Isn't most of being gay, as far as what defines it, the way you have sex?
00:08:01.000 So why are we talking about children?
00:08:03.000 I do believe you're born gay.
00:08:05.000 And I, you know, there's all, there's those kids you can tell whether they like show tunes and stuff and they, they're, you can just tell when a kid is gay.
00:08:12.000 They're usually acting.
00:08:13.000 I remember when we used to do commercials, we'd have to do casting for kids.
00:08:18.000 And I just felt like saying to every mom, you know, your kid's gay, right?
00:08:22.000 Like, I had to tell these—every time we had a kid actor, we'd have to have him butch it up, because he'd be like, Hey, I love Colgate toothpaste.
00:08:29.000 It's delicious, you guys.
00:08:31.000 And we'd go, Uh, can you just say, I love Colgate, Mom.
00:08:33.000 Okay.
00:08:34.000 I love Colgate, Mom.
00:08:36.000 No, kind of lower.
00:08:39.000 Lower.
00:08:39.000 Just, I love Colgate, Mom.
00:08:40.000 It took a while to de-gay them, because straight kids are playing sports.
00:08:46.000 So I'm not saying that kids aren't gay but I don't think they're really getting bullied for it anymore and this whole like let them be gay is sort of like kids are born straight and we don't say let them be straight!
00:09:02.000 Come on guys!
00:09:04.000 Get focused!
00:09:05.000 Be a straight man!
00:09:07.000 Look at those big-ass tits, kids!
00:09:13.000 It's getting weird, and there's some new reality show that's about drag kids, and it's all ten-year-olds dressing up in drag, these nine-year-old, ten-year-old boys, my son's age, dressing up in drag.
00:09:26.000 Why?
00:09:27.000 Why are you doing that?
00:09:29.000 Drag is esoteric, by the way.
00:09:32.000 Like, they're living in an America that's about half a century late.
00:09:37.000 You know what I mean?
00:09:38.000 Or early.
00:09:38.000 I'm sure in the 1950s, if... I bet gay kids got the shit beaten out of them, especially in Brooklyn and, you know, working class towns, Detroit.
00:09:48.000 But we're not there now.
00:09:50.000 And it's totally normal for a kid in your school to be trans.
00:09:55.000 I betcha.
00:09:56.000 I've heard about this from one of my friend's kids' school.
00:09:59.000 There's some trans kid there and he's a, he or she, Z's a total troublemaker.
00:10:03.000 Always demanding that everyone use the right pronouns and starting fights if they don't.
00:10:09.000 I wouldn't be surprised if it's the trans kids that are the bullies these days.
00:10:13.000 But this obsession with, with drag kids is disturbing.
00:10:18.000 Like, I've always been disturbed by drag queens in general.
00:10:21.000 I've hung out with them.
00:10:23.000 My wife's a fag hag.
00:10:24.000 At every party there's one drag queen.
00:10:26.000 And it's like, what are you doing?
00:10:28.000 Are you in character now?
00:10:30.000 And I've had a gay guy say this to me.
00:10:31.000 He goes, I don't like talking to them because, what, are you like Lady Miss Fierce?
00:10:38.000 Do I talk to you as Lady Miss Fierce?
00:10:40.000 What about if I want to say something like,
00:10:43.000 Uh, it's hard to find a comfortable sock these days.
00:10:46.000 They're either too stuffy or they're too thin or they sort of slide around in your shoe.
00:10:49.000 I like the Kmart greys.
00:10:51.000 What about you?
00:10:52.000 Uh, honey, I don't wear socks.
00:10:54.000 I wear fishnets because I'm a fierce bitch.
00:10:57.000 Okay, alright.
00:10:59.000 Do you like grapefruits?
00:11:00.000 Bitch, I have grapefruits.
00:11:02.000 I'll cut them in half and make them into tits.
00:11:04.000 Yeah, I just I find the fruits kind of bitter.
00:11:06.000 I don't really understand the appeal.
00:11:08.000 It's like vinegary, you know, but not really.
00:11:11.000 Yeah, babe.
00:11:12.000 I love vinegar.
00:11:12.000 I use it for my douche when I douche my pussy.
00:11:16.000 Yeah, well you don't have a pussy.
00:11:18.000 Okay, I'm gonna go over there.
00:11:20.000 It's like talking to a clown.
00:11:22.000 Hey clown, are you Bozo right now, or are you Roy?
00:11:25.000 Can I talk to you?
00:11:28.000 Sometimes gays, you know those, those, I believe the term, the offensive term used is wigger, but you'll see like a white dude who's, who's in basketball and he's always playing with black guys.
00:11:37.000 And the next thing you know, he's like, yo, what's up?
00:11:39.000 Yo, with all due respect, I, and doing the handshake and everything.
00:11:43.000 And you go, dude, can I just see you when you're 72, tending your garden?
00:11:48.000 Cause you're not going to talk like that anymore.
00:11:51.000 And I feel the same way about super duper gay dudes.
00:11:54.000 like hi who's that guy uh he looks like a big gay egg uh oh what the hell is his name he is here i got him here it's called Beyonce don't say that if you don't mean it don't say that if you don't mean it you saying that makes me so happy because you know this is bound to happen one day i know
00:12:25.000 What is that now?
00:12:25.000 Gay interviewer, Beyonce, the insider.
00:12:34.000 What the hell is his name?
00:12:36.000 He's so unbelievably gay.
00:12:40.000 Thanks, by the way, for not doing your job while I need you here.
00:12:44.000 Because you had to make a poo-poo.
00:12:48.000 Who's this guy?
00:12:49.000 This super gay dude?
00:12:53.000 This guy.
00:12:58.000 Anyway, look him up.
00:12:59.000 The Insider was the show, and he's like, Hey everyone!
00:13:03.000 What's going on?
00:13:04.000 Um, I just had my garden tended to, and I can't have enough citrus.
00:13:10.000 You know, when someone's that gay, why are you looking in your email?
00:13:13.000 Because it was actually in the, um... That's just the video, though.
00:13:17.000 It doesn't say his name.
00:13:19.000 Holy shit!
00:13:19.000 Okay.
00:13:22.000 Don't look at the video!
00:13:23.000 I don't need the video!
00:13:25.000 No, I know, but it's in my... Milo made me look up another video with him and it has his name in it.
00:13:28.000 It's in my history.
00:13:30.000 Oh.
00:13:32.000 So is that guy gonna talk like that when he's 70?
00:13:36.000 I've known some old gays, and they don't talk like that.
00:13:39.000 Ross Matthews.
00:13:40.000 Ross Matthews.
00:13:42.000 Play that video of him.
00:13:44.000 So I'm like... Should I?
00:13:47.000 No.
00:13:49.000 Hello.
00:13:49.000 Hi.
00:13:50.000 It's me, Ross.
00:13:51.000 Hi.
00:13:51.000 Welcome.
00:13:52.000 I'm in my backyard.
00:13:53.000 It's been a day.
00:13:54.000 A day.
00:13:55.000 Good day.
00:13:56.000 I worked.
00:13:56.000 I worked.
00:13:57.000 I had a meeting.
00:13:58.000 A landscaper came to the house, thinking about more citrus.
00:14:01.000 It's a big deal.
00:14:03.000 He can never have too much citrus.
00:14:04.000 Okay, that's enough.
00:14:07.000 So he's not gonna talk like that.
00:14:08.000 Like, older gay guys are still kind of gay.
00:14:12.000 They're sort of like, hi darling, how are you?
00:14:15.000 Oh my God, what an afternoon I have had.
00:14:17.000 You have no idea.
00:14:20.000 You think, I'm one of these dummies who thought I could do plumbing, and I YouTubed it, and I sort of, kind of had it going, and of course there's always a leak.
00:14:30.000 You know, it's one of those things, you can learn some carpentry, you can do some home repairs, but plumbing and electricity, leave it to the pros, you know what I mean?
00:14:39.000 That's about as gay as an old person is.
00:14:41.000 And the old you is just you.
00:14:44.000 So all these affectations I find kind of tiring.
00:14:47.000 And why are we now foisting them upon children?
00:14:51.000 I think part of it is just bored women.
00:14:55.000 I think women are working at a place and they go, what is this?
00:14:59.000 Can we do some sort of initiative?
00:15:00.000 Okay, what about a diversity initiative?
00:15:03.000 Yeah I did that and then people talked about how I worked hard to get my kids to a school that was not diverse and I feel like there's some hypocrisy there and you know if people look me up they'll see that I was the top woman for the zoning commission of our town to make sure that the zoning was well pretty non-diverse I have to admit so I don't like that it leaves me vulnerable and I've never really met a black person and
00:15:29.000 I don't think black people and I get along to be honest.
00:15:31.000 She's not saying this out loud.
00:15:32.000 It's in her head.
00:15:34.000 What else do you got?
00:15:35.000 And they go, well, we could do this thing on troubled youth.
00:15:38.000 Man, that's depressing.
00:15:39.000 What else?
00:15:40.000 Well, there's a bunch of gay shit.
00:15:43.000 Yeah, okay.
00:15:44.000 Yeah, I like that.
00:15:45.000 I love gays.
00:15:45.000 Is it colorful?
00:15:46.000 Oh, yeah, it's super colorful.
00:15:47.000 There's rainbows and all kinds of outfits.
00:15:50.000 Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:15:50.000 I want to do that.
00:15:51.000 What is it?
00:15:52.000 Oh, it's making kids dress in drag.
00:15:54.000 Great.
00:15:55.000 Love it, let's do it.
00:15:56.000 How old are they?
00:15:58.000 The ages range from six to nine.
00:16:00.000 There's even a cartoon, by the way.
00:16:02.000 I don't know if it's canceled yet.
00:16:04.000 I think RuPaul produced it, but it's a drag queen cartoon on Cartoon Network, which is for children.
00:16:12.000 What's it called?
00:16:13.000 Super Drags.
00:16:14.000 Super Drag!
00:16:15.000 Hey kids, let's get gay!
00:16:19.000 I mean, what is the gay identity without sex?
00:16:23.000 This is the trouble you get in with all culture.
00:16:25.000 Like you can't, you know, Mark Lamont Hill will deny there's any patterns with black people, especially if they're negative patterns, yet he wears a shirt that says support black shit.
00:16:37.000 If you have a Puerto Rican Day Pride Parade, you clearly see something more than just, I was born to Puerto Rican parents or I'm, you know, I was born in Puerto Rico or I'm Puerto Rican.
00:16:48.000 You must think there's more to it than that.
00:16:49.000 There's culture there.
00:16:50.000 What is the culture?
00:16:52.000 What is gay culture?
00:16:53.000 What is black culture?
00:16:55.000 Is there white culture?
00:16:57.000 And if you're celebrating gay culture, what part of it is the sex act?
00:17:03.000 Nah mean?
00:17:05.000 Like there's weed culture.
00:17:07.000 Weed culture involves weeds.
00:17:09.000 Oh, and by the way, on that cartoon, what's it called?
00:17:12.000 Superdrag.
00:17:13.000 Superdrag.
00:17:14.000 The way these, it's a cartoon, it's on at Kid Times, and the way they fly makes a penis in balls shape.
00:17:22.000 Yeah.
00:17:24.000 And there's basically sex in it, like a guy's in the bath.
00:17:27.000 I just don't get it.
00:17:29.000 Don't foist sex on kids.
00:17:32.000 Straight sex or gay sex.
00:17:34.000 And drag queens are... First of all, it's a minstrel show.
00:17:39.000 But of women.
00:17:39.000 So it's someone parodying women.
00:17:42.000 Painting their face to make fun of women.
00:17:43.000 Which is everything you say that's bad about blackface.
00:17:46.000 But secondly, it's also blatantly sexual.
00:17:50.000 Blatantly sexual.
00:17:51.000 They have names like Lady Horne, Mr. Bond, and I'm a hot mess, that's mine.
00:17:58.000 The implication is that you've been fucked 80 times.
00:18:00.000 And you're just a drunk, slutty mess.
00:18:05.000 It's just weird, okay?
00:18:07.000 Can you just leave everything alone, please?
00:18:10.000 Like, sports can be sports.
00:18:12.000 The umpire doesn't have to be wearing a pink outfit.
00:18:16.000 Well trans people do take up .6% of the population.
00:18:21.000 So they should be represented in .6% of the things.
00:18:24.000 I'm fine with that.
00:18:26.000 It's also weird to talk about your sex life and make it your identity.
00:18:30.000 You know in the 70s we were surrounded by fags.
00:18:34.000 And we rocked out to Queen.
00:18:36.000 They were called Queen.
00:18:39.000 We rocked out to Judas Priest where a guy was wearing all leather.
00:18:44.000 Leather chaps.
00:18:45.000 No one said anything.
00:18:46.000 We rocked out to Liberace, who sat there in his piano fucking 14-year-olds in the butt.
00:18:54.000 We rocked out to the village people that talked about going to the YMCA, where you can just buttfuck each other all day at the gym.
00:19:04.000 And we were like, whatever, just don't make our kids dress up as women and we're fine.
00:19:09.000 No one cared.
00:19:11.000 But now it's, it's just all identity.
00:19:14.000 And it's like, say you're a heterosexual couple and you only did anal with each other.
00:19:19.000 Imagine telling people that and having a parade and being like, we're the anal couple.
00:19:23.000 My wife has a problem with yeast infections and all we do is anal.
00:19:26.000 Hey, let's meet other, uh, anal heteros, which by the way, fun thing happening coming up the straight parade in Boston.
00:19:38.000 Uh,
00:19:40.000 Where is it now?
00:19:41.000 What's the date for that?
00:19:44.000 Cuomo and Lemon blast straight pride parade.
00:19:48.000 Stephen Colbert mocks straight pride parade.
00:19:52.000 It's like, has it occurred to anyone that there's a modicum of humor with this parade?
00:19:58.000 It's not something you need to blast.
00:20:01.000 What a takedown of the straight pride parade.
00:20:04.000 It's fucking comedians.
00:20:05.000 Colbert's a comedian lambasting a joke.
00:20:10.000 They're so fucking humorless.
00:20:12.000 The tentative date was August 31st, but will be finalized later.
00:20:17.000 Okay.
00:20:17.000 So I'm sure you all know the story if you follow this, but, uh, they chose Brad Pitt as their mascot for the straight pride parade.
00:20:24.000 And, uh, did we talk about this on the other podcast?
00:20:28.000 We talked about this on the Gavin and Milo thing, me and Milo.
00:20:33.000 Okay, not on the... No.
00:20:35.000 Not on the show.
00:20:37.000 So they chose Brad Pitt as their mascot.
00:20:39.000 No, but I was talking about how it's a trick.
00:20:41.000 Like, to have an anti-Sharia rally is a trick because you're tricking Antifa into defending Sharia law, which goes against everything they believe in.
00:20:51.000 So this is a trick because it's saying, oh, okay, you're gonna have gay pride?
00:20:55.000 Then I assume we can have straight pride, right?
00:20:57.000 And then everyone freaks the fuck out.
00:20:59.000 It's sort of like someone says Black Lives Matter, then you say, what about all lives matter?
00:21:04.000 Or someone says they're pro-life and you, to contradict them is to be anti-life.
00:21:08.000 Antifa, the name, right?
00:21:11.000 You say, I'm anti-fascist.
00:21:12.000 If you're against that, then you're pro-fascist.
00:21:14.000 Simple.
00:21:14.000 It's a silly game, but if it works, it works.
00:21:17.000 So anyway, they chose Brad Pitt as their mascot and he freaked out, sent to cease and desist.
00:21:24.000 So then they moved it to Milo.
00:21:27.000 Milo's now the mascot.
00:21:28.000 For it.
00:21:29.000 And he had all these elaborate ideas.
00:21:31.000 I want to be the Sultan of Brunei.
00:21:33.000 I'm going to wear this, darling.
00:21:34.000 I go, dude, you're adding layers to something that doesn't need layers.
00:21:38.000 British people don't understand that American humor is very simple.
00:21:42.000 Listen to the Ramones.
00:21:47.000 Oh, let's go.
00:21:48.000 Simple stuff.
00:21:49.000 Don't decorate it too much.
00:21:51.000 The fact that Milo is the guy, the joke's already done.
00:21:55.000 All you got to do is show up.
00:21:57.000 And it's amusing.
00:22:00.000 Boy, I'm starving since I watched that Subway fight.
00:22:03.000 Yeah, I want Subway so bad.
00:22:05.000 So bad?
00:22:05.000 So bad?
00:22:06.000 I want Subway so bad.
00:22:09.000 This article is from The Cut and the other articles if you're interested.
00:22:13.000 Mark Jacobs gets the New York treatment with him and his dog.
00:22:19.000 Best dressed at the red carpet.
00:22:22.000 I could watch Meryl Streep and Reese Witherspoon insult each other all day.
00:22:25.000 I keep thinking about this cat massage video.
00:22:31.000 What is the cut?
00:22:32.000 Annoying gay pandering?
00:22:33.000 It's terrible.
00:22:36.000 Alexa Chung reimagined the classic rain jacket.
00:22:40.000 It's an article, yeah.
00:22:43.000 Rest in peace Trump and Macron's friendship tree.
00:22:46.000 The oak sapling never had a chance.
00:22:49.000 Okay.
00:22:49.000 Wow.
00:22:50.000 All right, let's get down to the mailbag.
00:22:52.000 We've got a lot to catch up on.
00:22:53.000 And there's one I'm particularly interested in repeating.
00:22:56.000 Aha.
00:23:00.000 Turn up the volume and play this song.
00:23:04.000 Which is always ready.
00:23:05.000 Yes!
00:23:06.000 Ryan, shut up, you don't have a dad.
00:23:11.000 Let's turn our eyes to Gavin's mailbag.
00:23:16.000 Let me touch it.
00:23:21.000 Um...
00:23:24.000 Gavin, I wish you luck on your upcoming fight with Copper Cab.
00:23:27.000 The fight has already happened, and I'll be launching it shortly on my site.
00:23:33.000 He's in big trouble, especially if you focus on pointing your toes.
00:23:37.000 Little inside joke.
00:23:39.000 Anyway, I did some work with a landscape company this week.
00:23:41.000 You can never have enough citrus, you guys.
00:23:44.000 By the way, just to go off a tangent here, the reason I don't like when people aren't themselves is I don't like dishonesty.
00:23:50.000 I've realized recently everything that I dislike comes back down to dishonesty.
00:23:54.000 So if you're like, yo, what's up?
00:23:56.000 And that's not you, then you're bothering me.
00:23:58.000 Or if you're like, hi everyone!
00:24:01.000 And that's not you, then you're bothering me.
00:24:03.000 It's annoying.
00:24:04.000 You're lying to me.
00:24:05.000 And when you lie to me, it's a waste of time.
00:24:06.000 You see this with politics all the time.
00:24:08.000 They'll go, why do you want to separate families?
00:24:11.000 I go, well, tell me what to do.
00:24:13.000 If you're an ICE person and a family comes across, do you put kids in the same cell as adults?
00:24:19.000 That doesn't sound logical.
00:24:21.000 That doesn't sound safe.
00:24:22.000 They shouldn't be put in a cell.
00:24:24.000 Well, there's borders.
00:24:25.000 What do you do when someone crosses the border?
00:24:27.000 Every single border in the entire world is policed.
00:24:30.000 And when people cross them illegally, whether it's Czechoslovakia, Mexico, or the Congo, you get imprisoned.
00:24:36.000 That's just the way we enforce borders.
00:24:38.000 If there's no enforcement, then there's no borders.
00:24:40.000 And if there's no borders, there's no country.
00:24:42.000 So what are you proposing?
00:24:44.000 And then you realize, they haven't thought about this before.
00:24:46.000 They just like the platitudes.
00:24:48.000 And now you're wasting my time because I'm aware of platitudes.
00:24:51.000 I'm aware that it's bad to see a little kid in jail.
00:24:54.000 Thanks for the wake-up call.
00:24:56.000 I did think of that before.
00:24:59.000 And then you go, how many illegals are there?
00:25:00.000 And they'll go, I don't know, like a billion?
00:25:02.000 And you realize you're arguing with me about something you've never looked up.
00:25:06.000 So you're wasting my time.
00:25:08.000 That's what pisses me off.
00:25:09.000 My time is valuable to me.
00:25:12.000 So stop wasting it by being a weirdo.
00:25:16.000 Anyway.
00:25:17.000 The owner is totally starved for helping hands as his usually reliable Mexican labor crews have been switching jobs.
00:25:23.000 They are moving into different warehouse and manufacturing positions that are direct results from the Trump job boom.
00:25:31.000 I wonder if people are going to complain about that.
00:25:33.000 You know a lot of illegals now have to go to factories and other higher paying jobs and we have a landscape shortage thanks to this stupid booming economy.
00:25:42.000 The shortage has led the owner to hire young, soft, college-educated, non-foreign suburbanites for his crews.
00:25:49.000 On the first day we were planting flowers, and this is when I had the most absolute batshit crazy, jaw-dropping conversation with another oblivious, probably liberal, beta male.
00:25:59.000 The conversation went like this.
00:26:01.000 Mark.
00:26:02.000 So, Matt, what do you do in your free time?
00:26:04.000 Music?
00:26:04.000 Sports?
00:26:04.000 Drugs?
00:26:06.000 I'm gonna make Matt's voice different so you... I don't have to keep reading the names.
00:26:10.000 No man, I'm way too busy.
00:26:12.000 I'll make him a slightly higher voice.
00:26:12.000 I'm making him too tough.
00:26:14.000 You wanna do a back and forth?
00:26:15.000 Oh yeah.
00:26:16.000 Do you have it?
00:26:16.000 Uh, you'd have to... It's in the notes today.
00:26:20.000 I gotcha.
00:26:20.000 Oh, okay.
00:26:22.000 And it is right here, gotcha.
00:26:23.000 So who am I?
00:26:25.000 I'll be the first guy.
00:26:26.000 Mark.
00:26:27.000 I'll be Matt.
00:26:27.000 You'll be Mark.
00:26:28.000 So Matt, what do you do in your free time?
00:26:30.000 Sports?
00:26:30.000 Music?
00:26:31.000 Drugs?
00:26:32.000 No man, I'm way too busy for any of that.
00:26:34.000 Well, what do you do in your free time?
00:26:37.000 My girlfriend and I just bought a home.
00:26:38.000 We have two dogs, so we really just spend our time taking care of them.
00:26:41.000 Ah, it's nice that you guys bought instead of rented.
00:26:44.000 How old are you?
00:26:44.000 You seem too young to buy a home.
00:26:46.000 31.
00:26:48.000 Sounds like you got the hard parts out of the way.
00:26:49.000 Now you just gotta marry her, man.
00:26:51.000 Yeah, well we're considering it.
00:26:53.000 We've been testing what our family would look like with these dogs.
00:26:56.000 She's also got, she's pretty big into the Sims universe, so we'll see how things go with that.
00:27:01.000 Sims?
00:27:02.000 What's that?
00:27:03.000 You know, like the computer game, Sims.
00:27:05.000 I spend like an hour watching her play, like, every day.
00:27:08.000 And then he says, in case you don't know what Sims is, it's a sandbox game that simulates life.
00:27:12.000 Yes, it's literally a game where players live out the life of a character they design in the universe.
00:27:16.000 Essentially a non-fun version of Grand Theft Auto.
00:27:20.000 No rape, murder, drug use, etc.
00:27:23.000 And he goes, at this point my jaw hit the ground.
00:27:25.000 I was totally bewildered by such a dumb thing to be okay sharing with someone you have just met.
00:27:31.000 Yeah, that's a good point.
00:27:33.000 If you do watch your girlfriend play Sims for an hour a day, don't tell anyone.
00:27:37.000 Matt is blowing serious stop signs at this point.
00:27:40.000 Yeah, we also just bought a stroller for our dogs.
00:27:42.000 She's really into testing out the whole mom thing.
00:27:46.000 And then he ends the letter with, Gavin, is this mental illness?
00:27:49.000 Pure stupidity?
00:27:50.000 I could not believe this conversation and would love to hear your thoughts on how I should treat this walking vagina while at work.
00:27:56.000 Thanks again, wise old sage.
00:28:01.000 That is the gayest thing I've ever read in my life.
00:28:04.000 That someone is thinking of a family and would practice first with two dogs?
00:28:10.000 That's the only question I have with this letter is what's worse?
00:28:14.000 Watching your girl play Sims or buying dogs and a stroller for one of the dogs to test out how being a mom is?
00:28:26.000 Or watching her play The Sims.
00:28:28.000 I already said that, you tard!
00:28:30.000 Yeah, yeah, that's a third option, though, because it's that bad.
00:28:33.000 Okay, thanks, Ryan.
00:28:34.000 Ryan has an update, folks.
00:28:36.000 There's actually three things we're wondering which are worse, and maybe you at home could try to figure it out with us.
00:28:42.000 Number one, watching your girlfriend play Sims.
00:28:46.000 Number two, using dogs as tests for kids.
00:28:49.000 And then number three, Ryan wants to add, watching your girlfriend play Sims.
00:28:53.000 Um, it's pretty close.
00:28:55.000 One and three are pretty similar.
00:28:59.000 Them being exactly the fucking same and everything.
00:29:02.000 That's the joke.
00:29:04.000 It's like one, watching your girlfriend play The Sims.
00:29:06.000 Two, getting a stroller for your dog.
00:29:07.000 Or three, watching your girlfriend play The Sims.
00:29:10.000 That's not how those jokes go.
00:29:12.000 Oh.
00:29:13.000 What are those shoes under your desk?
00:29:15.000 Those white ones.
00:29:16.000 Oh, these are Stan Smith.
00:29:18.000 No, no, the other ones.
00:29:18.000 Primed it.
00:29:21.000 Way, way down.
00:29:22.000 No, under your desk.
00:29:23.000 How can you not?
00:29:25.000 Oh, those are my girlfriend's shoes.
00:29:29.000 And they've been there for weeks?
00:29:31.000 I guess.
00:29:32.000 I haven't spotted them.
00:29:35.000 I smelled them.
00:29:36.000 They smell fine.
00:29:38.000 You're a real keeper.
00:29:42.000 So yeah.
00:29:44.000 This guy is the biggest loser in the world.
00:29:46.000 Avoid him like the plague.
00:29:48.000 He has zero balls.
00:29:49.000 He probably beats off all the time.
00:29:52.000 And his girlfriend got the dogs because she doesn't have the balls.
00:29:55.000 I mean, he doesn't have the balls to take control of the relationship.
00:29:57.000 So they're both doing that gross thing.
00:29:59.000 And you see this in New York City a lot, where rent is so expensive that people don't want to move, where they're just sort of gliding through life.
00:30:06.000 You know, it takes some courage to propose.
00:30:10.000 Most of it is balls.
00:30:11.000 You kind of know that she's the one and then there's that point where you sort of inhale and go, let's fucking do this.
00:30:20.000 I've checked all the boxes.
00:30:21.000 We haven't had a major fight in six months.
00:30:23.000 We've lived together.
00:30:24.000 I think this is the one.
00:30:26.000 I'm going to fucking do it.
00:30:28.000 And then you go, will you marry me?
00:30:29.000 You get the ring and stuff.
00:30:30.000 I of course had the greatest proposal of all time because I'm amazing.
00:30:34.000 I had, my wife loves Paris, so we go to Paris, we're under the Eiffel Tower, a little ethnically ambiguous girl runs up, because my wife's ethnically ambiguous, so I wanted it to look like what her daughter might look like.
00:30:48.000 She hands her a crumpled up piece of paper, a bag, a crumpled up paper bag, and she says, and then runs away.
00:30:59.000 That's, hello ma'am, I have a little gift for you.
00:31:02.000 And my wife opens, uncrumples the bag, and there's the ring inside.
00:31:06.000 And I didn't get down on one knee, because it sets a bad precedent.
00:31:08.000 And I said, standing, will you marry me?
00:31:10.000 And she said yes, and cried, and that was that.
00:31:13.000 I had set that up, obviously in advance, paid a kid a hundred bucks through friends.
00:31:19.000 Nice.
00:31:20.000 That's romantic.
00:31:20.000 It occurred to me they could have swapped out the ring with an exact duplicate, but that would have been a hell of a lot of work.
00:31:26.000 And you'd have to do it real fast, because I gave them the ring that morning.
00:31:32.000 But then you have other, like, I know a friend of mine went to Ireland to propose, and he'd lived with the girl for five years.
00:31:39.000 She was 25.
00:31:40.000 They started when she was 20.
00:31:41.000 He asked her to marry him, and she said, no.
00:31:44.000 I'm too young.
00:31:45.000 Which translates as, I need more dicks.
00:31:49.000 Which is weird because dicks, I've seen a lot of dicks.
00:31:53.000 I've been to the gym, you know, swimming in school, hanging around, not being gay, but just dicks are around when you're a normal dude.
00:32:01.000 They're all pretty similar.
00:32:03.000 Once in a while you'll see some insane dick and you go, holy shit.
00:32:06.000 In the changing room, or some dude who just has like a nib, a nub, where it's like a donut of pubes with just a little button in the middle.
00:32:13.000 Those are unfortunate, but it's pretty rare.
00:32:16.000 Most of the dicks you see are around similar size.
00:32:20.000 And it's not, I mean, I have heard one girl once in my life talk about she was in a relationship with this guy and his dick was too small and she was like, I really like him though, I guess I'll have to do more anal or something if I ever want him to really put out the fire.
00:32:32.000 That's once in my life.
00:32:34.000 You hear dudes talk about dicks all the time.
00:32:36.000 Like Howard Stern is always like, how big are you?
00:32:38.000 Have you measured it?
00:32:39.000 But I've never, and I've talked to a lot of chicks in my 50 years, and I've, that's the only time I've heard a woman complaining about a small dick.
00:32:48.000 So it's a weird thing to want to try a bunch of.
00:32:53.000 Alright.
00:32:56.000 Um...
00:32:58.000 Gavin, I have an idea.
00:33:01.000 Not sure if this is a good email for you.
00:33:02.000 I'd like to build a simple site where folks could go, where you and anyone else could have their minds telegram, parley, whatever, at their fingertips.
00:33:08.000 But I want to stay anonymous.
00:33:10.000 I have a lucrative job at a very left-wing tech company.
00:33:13.000 I have a family to support.
00:33:14.000 I see what's happening to folks, and I can't risk it for myself slash loved ones.
00:33:18.000 I dig that it kind of makes me a coward.
00:33:21.000 My questions, 1.
00:33:23.000 Do you know how I might stay under the radar while watching this thing as a company?
00:33:26.000 2.
00:33:27.000 Do you think the idea could actually solve problems?
00:33:29.000 3.
00:33:30.000 Any chance you'd want to be an advisor as I build it?
00:33:34.000 Hey dude, uh, fuck you.
00:33:37.000 You're a pussy.
00:33:38.000 You're a loser.
00:33:40.000 Get fired.
00:33:41.000 Grow a ball.
00:33:43.000 I love how these guys, they want to get involved in the fight.
00:33:46.000 Fight for freedom, but anonymously.
00:33:49.000 You would have been great to have as an ally during the Civil War.
00:33:53.000 You fuckin' wimp.
00:33:55.000 And the idea that I would work with this dude... Yeah, okay, I'll secretly work with you and give you all my information while you stay anonymous.
00:34:04.000 That's not the way wars work.
00:34:06.000 Fuckin' cunt.
00:34:10.000 I hate seeing people be weak.
00:34:12.000 If you're gonna be weak, do it privately.
00:34:14.000 Don't show me your weakness.
00:34:17.000 Sad.
00:34:19.000 I'd like to take a moment to talk to you about Bette DSI.
00:34:24.000 Yes, they're back.
00:34:26.000 They're back with us.
00:34:30.000 They've been paying winners for 20 years.
00:34:32.000 You go there, you can bet on pretty much anything.
00:34:33.000 It's not just sports.
00:34:34.000 So it's great for betting with sports.
00:34:36.000 It's funny hearing about people using BetDSI and all the strange rules that the state of New York has, where you have to sort of extend your phone 10 feet into New Jersey to play certain bets at certain times.
00:34:50.000 All betting should be totally legal everywhere you go.
00:34:53.000 Yeah, but some guys lose all their money and get beat up by the mob.
00:34:56.000 Yeah.
00:34:57.000 That's the deal, dumbass.
00:35:00.000 That's the price you pay.
00:35:01.000 No, no, but some guy will go like 150 grand in debt to the mob and they'll break his kneecaps.
00:35:07.000 Yeah.
00:35:08.000 That's the deal.
00:35:09.000 But anyway, that's not BetTSI.
00:35:11.000 They are totally legal, top rated on betting review sites, and it's a great way to make sports fun.
00:35:21.000 Artie Lang would talk about this.
00:35:22.000 He'd say the best way to turn any boring game into a party is to bet a bunch of money on it.
00:35:28.000 He also insisted that cocaine was involved, but I think if you want to...
00:35:33.000 If you want to see the dangers of that kind of a mentality, you might want to Google Artie Lange's nose.
00:35:40.000 Because it looks like a beanbag chair with no beads in it anymore.
00:35:45.000 Yeah, I bet my cart lives on the Giants game.
00:35:50.000 Did I tell you about Tony Curtis?
00:35:51.000 Did I ever tell you about Tony Curtis?
00:35:53.000 I did.
00:35:54.000 I think I did.
00:35:56.000 I used to do that so much better.
00:35:58.000 It's still way better than mine.
00:36:02.000 BetDSI.com offers wagering has been playing winners for 20 years.
00:36:05.000 You use this link.
00:36:06.000 The link is BetDSI.com slash Gavin.
00:36:09.000 It's very important that you use the promo code Gavin and that you register and actually put money down and they'll take that money and double it.
00:36:18.000 More than double it just so you can start winning today.
00:36:22.000 So again, they offer options on pretty much everything.
00:36:26.000 You can bet on fighting, NBA, March Madness, NFL, NHL, NCAA football, and all other major sports, politics, reality TV, eSports, virtually everything.
00:36:35.000 They have a very user-friendly interface and mobile site.
00:36:39.000 Beth DSi has the fastest payouts in the industry.
00:36:42.000 You simply play, win, and get paid.
00:36:45.000 But you have to use the code GAVIN
00:36:49.000 And you have to actually put money down.
00:36:50.000 We had a bunch of people registering but not using any money and that don't count.
00:36:57.000 Yeah, I love, you know how much I owe my son, by the way, speaking of BetDSI?
00:37:03.000 A hundred, a hundred and five bucks.
00:37:07.000 I was gonna, there's this great sub place in the South, in the North Bronx called
00:37:14.000 Oh, we've been there, yes.
00:37:16.000 It's Mella Cantina?
00:37:16.000 Uh, fuck.
00:37:19.000 Maria?
00:37:19.000 Mia?
00:37:20.000 You know what?
00:37:21.000 I just realized I would not have remembered it, even if you said it.
00:37:27.000 Um, sub shop.
00:37:28.000 This is still part of the bet DSI read.
00:37:32.000 Sub place.
00:37:34.000 Yeah, here we go.
00:37:35.000 It's called Anne Claire's.
00:37:37.000 In the Bronx.
00:37:38.000 And they make these subs.
00:37:39.000 The Godfather.
00:37:40.000 That's unbelievable.
00:37:41.000 And I said to my son, I'll bet you 50 bucks.
00:37:43.000 Actually, I don't bet him money.
00:37:44.000 I should start betting him so he can lose money.
00:37:46.000 But I say, I'll pay you $50.
00:37:48.000 I'll pay you $50 to finish that entire 12-inch sub.
00:37:52.000 And it's got all these weird meats on it, and it's kind of spicy, and there's... I think there's jalapenos in there, too.
00:37:57.000 Or some... not jalapenos, but some spicy peppers.
00:38:00.000 And he couldn't do it.
00:38:01.000 But I also paid him at the batting cage.
00:38:02.000 I said, I'll pay you $100 if you can whip a ball into that tiny hole that the ball comes out of from the... at the batting cage.
00:38:09.000 And he fucking did it!
00:38:10.000 Yes!
00:38:10.000 No!
00:38:11.000 Wow.
00:38:12.000 I also paid him 50 bucks to jump off Keith the Cop's boat.
00:38:17.000 This is in the, what's it called, Sheep's Bake Bay or whatever.
00:38:21.000 We were watching the air show, and the water was just ice.
00:38:26.000 And he jumped in.
00:38:28.000 One time I paid my brother 100 bucks to eat a cricket.
00:38:31.000 And we were at the bar that night, and I go, shit, I'm out of cash.
00:38:37.000 It's on me.
00:38:37.000 He goes, don't worry about it, dude.
00:38:38.000 I got cricket money.
00:38:39.000 Yeah, that's right.
00:38:40.000 He had big, big cricket money.
00:38:44.000 Anyway, simply play, win, and get paid.
00:38:47.000 Use the code GAVIN.
00:38:48.000 All right.
00:38:48.000 Let's get back to matters at hand, which is the mail bag.
00:38:54.000 How are we doing for time?
00:38:55.000 I think we're out of time.
00:38:56.000 We're at 39 minutes.
00:38:57.000 Oh, good.
00:38:59.000 That's the good thing about Monday is it's like the cleanup day.
00:39:03.000 Sorry, Costa Rica bitch.
00:39:05.000 Sorry for the profanity in the subject.
00:39:06.000 Where should I go in Costa Rica?
00:39:07.000 I was there last year and loved it.
00:39:08.000 I'm a fan of the hidden gems like Montezuma.
00:39:11.000 Maybe you can tell a crazy story that happened while you were there, too.
00:39:14.000 I've told some crazy Costa Rica stories.
00:39:16.000 Yeah, Montezuma was where we used to go because we used to love to get wasted.
00:39:20.000 And it was called Montefuma, Coco Rica.
00:39:22.000 However, Montefuma is very hard to get to, especially if you're poor.
00:39:28.000 That means you have to take the fare and you don't get a little sansa flight.
00:39:32.000 Um, so you're not going to get pussy there, because if a place is hard to get to, then it's usually just men that can climb the mountains and go down the things.
00:39:40.000 It's sort of like that Leonardo DiCaprio movie, The Beach, but a little more disgusting.
00:39:46.000 Um, shitty.
00:39:48.000 But so bring a lady with you.
00:39:50.000 You're not really, it's impossible to get laid in Costa Rica.
00:39:53.000 And then when you do find a chick in like San Jose, which is one of the most disgusting cities in the world, she just wants citizenship and she wants you to get her pregnant so you can pay child support for the rest of your life.
00:40:05.000 And it's, that's not pleasant or romantic.
00:40:08.000 Um, so no, I'm not going to do that.
00:40:14.000 And why do you get to email me and ask for travel tips?
00:40:18.000 What am I, your fucking slave?
00:40:21.000 What is this?
00:40:21.000 I get all these emails, these young men going, Hey man, I just graduated college and I'm wondering what I should do.
00:40:27.000 I'm wondering if you have any advice.
00:40:28.000 Don't you have a dad?
00:40:30.000 Don't you have, I'm not your friend.
00:40:35.000 Hey, GOML.
00:40:36.000 G-O-M-L.
00:40:37.000 The subject of this is Chelsea Handler.
00:40:40.000 The addition of Ryan Katsu Rivera to the show and podcast has no doubt been a great move in terms of making the content more personable, as well as adding another dimension to the conversation.
00:40:50.000 The chemistry between you two is great.
00:40:53.000 An old-school dad begrudgingly adopts a fatherless boy who thinks it is okay to wear a fanny pack across his chest.
00:40:59.000 But... Is there a but?
00:41:02.000 Do you wear a fanny pack across your chest?
00:41:05.000 Um, sometimes, yeah.
00:41:07.000 For filming it helps.
00:41:09.000 When I'm holding a boom mic and I have my levels right there, it helps.
00:41:12.000 It's practical.
00:41:13.000 With that being said, boy is he retarded.
00:41:19.000 I like how he doesn't swear.
00:41:21.000 Holy cow is he retarded.
00:41:27.000 If possible, could you please ask him on air how his shitty brain got Chelsea Handler and Chelsea Clinton confused?
00:41:35.000 Love your new sunglasses.
00:41:36.000 Yeah.
00:41:36.000 Here's another thing too.
00:41:37.000 Like I'm talking about Chelsea Handler.
00:41:39.000 Everything's going fine.
00:41:40.000 And then you interrupt me to say, actually, it's Chelsea Clinton that has a show on Netflix where she bitches about sex all the time.
00:41:50.000 And my attitude, if I was you, I'm more sort of curious and maybe a little less cocksure.
00:41:58.000 And I go, I could have sworn it was Chelsea Clinton.
00:42:00.000 And then I would Google it and go, no, no, no.
00:42:02.000 What am I talking about?
00:42:04.000 Yeah, I don't know what that came from.
00:42:05.000 Like when I was arguing with Mark Lamont Hill and he goes, what percentage of America is Muslim?
00:42:10.000 And I said, I don't know, like 1%?
00:42:12.000 And he laughs in my face.
00:42:13.000 He goes, are you out of your mind?
00:42:15.000 And then I started doubting myself and I thought I was pretty sure it was one.
00:42:17.000 And then I go, well, it's definitely between one and five.
00:42:20.000 And he goes, oh, that's a big difference.
00:42:22.000 And then we looked it up and it's like 1.1.
00:42:23.000 Yeah, it's 1.1.
00:42:27.000 I think there was actually some infomercial about her getting Thai food, I swear to you.
00:42:27.000 Well, I don't know.
00:42:32.000 And then maybe Chelsea was making fun of it.
00:42:35.000 Because I remember we watched it on Pat's show once.
00:42:38.000 Wow, so you're sticking to your guns.
00:42:40.000 Yeah.
00:42:41.000 There is no commercial on earth of Chelsea Clinton and Thai food.
00:42:46.000 The two have never come across each other ever.
00:42:49.000 What are you doing?
00:42:50.000 Are you on your phone?
00:42:51.000 Yeah.
00:42:52.000 Multitasking.
00:42:52.000 What are you doing on your phone?
00:42:53.000 Texting your girl?
00:42:54.000 No, I listen better when I'm doing something with my hands.
00:42:57.000 I can't sit still.
00:42:58.000 Otherwise, my leg does this.
00:42:59.000 And then it's like... What's the matter with that?
00:43:02.000 It just bothers me after a while.
00:43:03.000 It's gotta bother somebody else.
00:43:04.000 Oh, shut up.
00:43:05.000 The neighbors?
00:43:07.000 Yeah.
00:43:08.000 Lewis Halton.
00:43:09.000 Can't go in there.
00:43:10.000 Millennial's planning a little bit, but I thought it'd be cool to sell t-shirts on your new website with classic lines.
00:43:15.000 Of course we're doing that shit for brains.
00:43:18.000 Alexander Duncan.
00:43:20.000 Hey Gavin, have you seen the Canadian MMIWG Missing and Murdered Indigenous Women and Girls final report?
00:43:28.000 They use the word genocide openly and state that all Canadians have a role to play in ending the violence.
00:43:35.000 They include all these trannies as women.
00:43:38.000 The report also does not address the fact that indigenous men are murdered slash reported missing much more frequently than women.
00:43:45.000 And that around 70% of the violence comes from other native people.
00:43:49.000 The report is extremely liberal and biased.
00:43:51.000 It costs Canadians 92 million dollars.
00:43:54.000 What are your thoughts?
00:43:55.000 My thoughts are reservations are shitholes and it's because of welfare.
00:44:00.000 A great book by Naomi Schaefer Riley, The New Trail of Tears, and she talks about how they give these Indians a free house, but that the Indians can't use that house for any collateral, for a loan, so they're not really giving them a house.
00:44:14.000 They're just letting them stay there like a homeless shelter, and they don't end up with any sort of sense of self-worth.
00:44:21.000 So they're bored on welfare, they get addicted to alcohol, and it becomes this cycle of shit.
00:44:30.000 And just like charter schools have rescued public schools from, or prevented public schools from ruining the lives of black kids in Harlem, any kind of privatization could save the reservation.
00:44:45.000 You know, if you're gonna give them money, just give them the money, and then move on.
00:44:49.000 And yeah, the whole idea of missing indigenous woman, it implies that there's these rednecks coming around and like murdering and kidnapping women.
00:44:59.000 That's not what's happening.
00:45:00.000 There's, it's sort of like the same with black girls.
00:45:02.000 There's this, this huge epidemic of missing black girls that have been kidnapped.
00:45:09.000 No, it's black girls that get into trouble, get into drugs and just leave, vanish, start hanging around with shitty dudes.
00:45:17.000 They don't bring their phones.
00:45:19.000 There's not this, there's this weird sort of subtext where there's these evil white racist kidnappers running around all over the place.
00:45:27.000 So yeah, my thoughts are that that misleading report is totally ignoring the real crux of the problem, which is socialism.
00:45:35.000 This is from Connor Johnson.
00:45:36.000 I'm a freshman in high school and I've been in zero relationships.
00:45:39.000 Sometimes, and I didn't have lunch today, so a lot of these responses are just going to be, fuck you.
00:45:43.000 Yeah, I've noticed that.
00:45:45.000 Dear Mr. McInnes, I live 45 minutes away from my high school and my friends live an hour away from my house.
00:45:50.000 Because of this, I'm not able to hang out after school or on weekends.
00:45:53.000 I have never kissed a girl or been out on a date.
00:45:56.000 This is largely because I haven't been interested in girls until the last year or so.
00:46:00.000 Now I think about them every second of every day.
00:46:02.000 How do I get into the social loop?
00:46:04.000 I like your new sunglasses.
00:46:05.000 P.S.
00:46:06.000 Ryan basically did your all-day recess idea and your no-college idea and he's $11,000 in debt.
00:46:12.000 You might need to work on that one.
00:46:14.000 PPS, drama is pronounced, so it rhymes with llama, not pajama.
00:46:20.000 Yikes.
00:46:21.000 I like how he's a real expert on all the important stuff.
00:46:23.000 Like, listen, I don't get pussy, but let me school you on something.
00:46:26.000 Yeah, Ryan is deep in debt, and he didn't go to college.
00:46:29.000 Can you imagine the debt he would have if he went to college?
00:46:32.000 I had a dream I went to college last night.
00:46:34.000 I'm thinking about it now.
00:46:35.000 Like a shitty, shitty college.
00:46:37.000 So, Ryan, believe it or not, the situation he's in now is the lesser of two evils.
00:46:43.000 I didn't say, don't go to college and you won't be in debt.
00:46:46.000 I said, don't go to college and you'll be in a lot less debt.
00:46:48.000 He'd be hundreds of thousands of dollars in debt.
00:46:50.000 And the funny thing about that 11 grand is, it's never going to get paid off.
00:46:54.000 It's just going to keep growing and growing and growing.
00:46:58.000 He's incapable of handling money.
00:47:01.000 And I've given him a million solutions.
00:47:03.000 I even hooked him up with a debt paying place.
00:47:06.000 I told him he needs to switch to cash and cut up all his credit cards and delete all his apps.
00:47:11.000 And he's like, no thanks, I'd rather pay a $35 fine every time I'm overdrawn.
00:47:15.000 So when I buy three things, they cost me $100 in overdraft fees.
00:47:19.000 All of that is partially true.
00:47:21.000 But the thing is, I'm a week behind.
00:47:24.000 So I'm always one week behind.
00:47:26.000 And if I just had one week of advance, which I never asked you for, because that's weird.
00:47:30.000 That's total and utter horseshit, Ryan.
00:47:32.000 No, really.
00:47:33.000 You had all that freelance stuff where you were making shit and getting extra money and it went out the door.
00:47:38.000 You fucking elbowed your door in to the tune of $700.
00:47:41.000 Right.
00:47:43.000 You thought you lost your keys.
00:47:45.000 They're in your girlfriend's jacket.
00:47:47.000 And so you thought, rather than search really hard for my keys or check my fucking jacket, I'm just going to shoulder this door in.
00:47:54.000 And I paid the piper.
00:47:55.000 You paid $700 for that.
00:47:56.000 All I need is just a little bit more and I could get out of debt.
00:48:01.000 Not get out of debt, but I am behind one week, exactly.
00:48:04.000 Well then don't spend any money that week.
00:48:06.000 Like you take Ubers to the movies.
00:48:11.000 That's not what poor people do.
00:48:13.000 When I was your age, we ate out of the garbage.
00:48:15.000 We did nothing.
00:48:16.000 But you didn't have to eat out of the garbage.
00:48:18.000 What?
00:48:19.000 You were punks.
00:48:20.000 You said you weren't poor enough to have to eat out of the garbage, but you just did for fun.
00:48:23.000 No.
00:48:24.000 There'd be times when I was so broke that I would sift through the garbage.
00:48:27.000 When I was a janitor at my school, getting up at four in the morning so I could be there at five, I would pick through the garbage sometimes and eat out of it to save money.
00:48:36.000 Shit.
00:48:39.000 I also was a bike messenger in Montreal in the winter.
00:48:43.000 Do you know what that's like?
00:48:44.000 I also planted trees in Northern Canada where it would snow all night in your tent, outside your tent.
00:48:51.000 And then at noon, it would be like a hundred degrees.
00:48:54.000 Biggest temper variation on earth.
00:48:57.000 Sheesh.
00:48:58.000 Did I say temper variation?
00:48:59.000 Temperature.
00:48:59.000 Probably that too.
00:49:01.000 Your temper is probably all over the place.
00:49:03.000 Just if I could just get that week.
00:49:04.000 I never even asked you for that.
00:49:06.000 I love how you're so proud of yourself that you didn't ask me for an extra week's salary.
00:49:11.000 It's not like I brought it up out of no place.
00:49:13.000 You know, I need a pat on the back.
00:49:16.000 I never even asked you to give me a week's in advance.
00:49:19.000 That's the kind of guy I am.
00:49:21.000 Just a real salt-of-the-earth kind of dude.
00:49:26.000 It's Chelsea Handler, Ryan.
00:49:27.000 What the fuck is the subject for this?
00:49:30.000 H. Okoya.
00:49:33.000 This episode I couldn't agree with you more for the following reasons.
00:49:35.000 Once a person is in a committed relationship they truly care about, no more friendships with the opposite sex.
00:49:40.000 It's pointless.
00:49:41.000 I was actually at a baseball game today and the dad was really fixated on the game.
00:49:46.000 Because his son was in it, he was called up, and the wife, who's very attractive, which is also problematic, I would have preferred a fat pig, is really cool and interesting.
00:49:58.000 So even in that time, I was careful not to be too goofing with the gals.
00:50:05.000 Not to be too Ross Andrews and be like spending my whole time talking to her.
00:50:08.000 And I also watched my body language and made sure that I was always like on the dad side of the couple.
00:50:15.000 And then when he left, I talked to her for a bit and then I would leave and go talk to another dad and was very careful not to be too buddy-buddy with his hot wife out of respect for him.
00:50:27.000 So even in short little bursts, you don't want to be too buddy with men's wives.
00:50:33.000 I don't see why you need to confide in an opposite-sex friend about your life or hang out.
00:50:37.000 It just seems deceiving.
00:50:38.000 Childless older broads can be very annoying, just like the queen of them, Chelsea Handler.
00:50:43.000 I've spent many a time with them as my friends, and they are a selfish, miserable woman.
00:50:47.000 This is, by the way, written from a woman's perspective.
00:50:50.000 This is Heather from Southern California, but not LA.
00:50:52.000 Another annoying trait, women thinking they are man-tough.
00:50:56.000 Some woman had mistaken me for one of these in the past because I'm, I was my children's only parent without child support.
00:51:02.000 And then she sort of mentions, I would have loved to stay married, but in my rare circumstance, it was safer for me to get myself and my children away from my criminal ex-husband.
00:51:10.000 If I were in a situation where I had to fight a man out of self-defense, I would try my best, but I'm not disillusioned with thinking that I'm stronger than a man.
00:51:16.000 And by the way, when I shit on single moms, obviously if you escape some criminal drug addict that was beating the shit out of you, I'm not going to sit there and go, you stupid bitch.
00:51:25.000 What have you done to your children?
00:51:42.000 I saw one article this woman wrote about how great it is being divorced and how she doesn't, and she listed all these terrible things her husband do, like tickle the boys and get them all riled up before bedtime so they were too pumped to go to bed.
00:51:54.000 Yeah, that's horrible.
00:51:56.000 Your husband bonding with your sons.
00:51:58.000 Or tiring them out.
00:51:59.000 Or roughhousing with the kids.
00:52:01.000 That's the goal of it, to tire them out, isn't it?
00:52:03.000 No, you do get them pumped before bed.
00:52:05.000 I do it all the time.
00:52:05.000 It's great for everyone, slightly annoying for whoever's reading the books to the kid.
00:52:11.000 But uh, it's great for the kid.
00:52:12.000 And in her whole essay, she didn't mention the kids once.
00:52:16.000 It was all about me, me, me, and things are better for me.
00:52:18.000 Louis C.K.
00:52:19.000 does that too.
00:52:20.000 Kevin Hart does that.
00:52:22.000 Another thing that annoys me is women comics, she's talking about stand-ups, talking about their vaginas.
00:52:28.000 I always think the joke is on them and they've had their vaginas overly used physically and in their comic acts.
00:52:34.000 And the homeless thing.
00:52:35.000 A lot of homeless people hate homeless shelters.
00:52:38.000 Not a surprise since they hated society's rules and then they don't want to live by a homeless shelter rules.
00:52:43.000 I asked this question on Quora once and a number of people came back explaining why homeless people hate homeless shelters.
00:52:48.000 So I wrote this short film once that involved me going to Tent City to speak to a homeless person about moving in.
00:52:53.000 People I knew were all for the film except for the part where they had to step foot in Tent City.
00:52:57.000 People do- I don't give a shit if you wrote a movie that was never made.
00:53:02.000 Anyway, thanks for the episodes.
00:53:04.000 The more you talk about your dad, the more I like him as a friend.
00:53:06.000 I actually, you know, I had to turn off my 600 pound life the other day.
00:53:10.000 Because it was making me miss my dad too much.
00:53:12.000 Really?
00:53:13.000 Yeah.
00:53:13.000 This guy was a disgusting, self-indulgent, fucking loser.
00:53:20.000 His ass was so big that it had another ass on his ass.
00:53:25.000 It was like a backpack stuck to his ass made of skin.
00:53:30.000 And I could just see my dad.
00:53:31.000 He's very sensitive to gross stuff.
00:53:33.000 And I could just, I was imagining him there bearing his face in his hands.
00:53:37.000 Oh Jesus Christ.
00:53:38.000 Oh my God.
00:53:40.000 Oh, turn it off.
00:53:42.000 Turn it off.
00:53:43.000 Oh my God.
00:53:45.000 That is absolutely pathetic.
00:53:48.000 He loves the word pathetic.
00:53:50.000 And I go, I can't watch this without him.
00:53:53.000 It's making me miss him too much.
00:53:55.000 See what it's like when you have a dad.
00:53:58.000 I could relate to that feeling, but not with a dad.
00:54:01.000 Because you don't have a dad.
00:54:02.000 That's right.
00:54:03.000 Well, I do, but he's not.
00:54:04.000 Well, your dad doesn't love you.
00:54:06.000 He's reserved.
00:54:07.000 He's not active duty.
00:54:08.000 Your dad doesn't love you, Ryan.
00:54:10.000 That's okay.
00:54:11.000 Japanese people aren't capable of love, period.
00:54:14.000 But he's, there's been, like, he's had kids with that Japanese woman.
00:54:17.000 He doesn't love them either.
00:54:18.000 No, he held them close.
00:54:20.000 Kissed them.
00:54:22.000 Read them goodnight stories.
00:54:23.000 Good for them.
00:54:24.000 And no, no dad's ever loved you.
00:54:27.000 I don't need that shit.
00:54:29.000 Pardon?
00:54:30.000 I don't need that shit.
00:54:31.000 Why is your voice breaking?
00:54:33.000 It's not.
00:54:35.000 Not even close.
00:54:35.000 Why are your eyes wet?
00:54:37.000 You can't even see me.
00:54:38.000 You can't even see my face.
00:54:41.000 Alright, I just sent you a letter that has me, her, me, her on it.
00:54:47.000 So you be her.
00:54:49.000 Okay, of course.
00:54:51.000 Dear Gavin, and by the way, the
00:54:55.000 The subject here is I tried calling the cops on a girl's tits in brackets ass and it worked.
00:55:03.000 I forgot about this tip I had given young men and it is you tell a girl I need to see your tits right now and I'm calling the cops and she'll laugh and then you pretend that you're calling the cops.
00:55:15.000 And you do like, you know, ever hear Bob Newhart's phone calls or letters?
00:55:22.000 He does this thing where he's like, he's calling George Washington or something and telling him about smoking.
00:55:29.000 And you can hear him on the other line.
00:55:31.000 That's what you do.
00:55:32.000 You can't hear him on the other line.
00:55:33.000 Sorry.
00:55:34.000 Here, click on one of those.
00:55:36.000 Just jump right in the middle.
00:55:40.000 Bob Newhart.
00:55:41.000 Where are you exactly, Piper?
00:55:44.000 The Texaco Station at Hollywood and Western.
00:55:49.000 All right, straight out the door and look to your right.
00:55:52.000 You see the big hamburger sign?
00:55:53.000 Yeah, take off over that.
00:55:56.000 Yeah, you can't miss us.
00:55:56.000 We're the first international airport on your right.
00:55:58.000 See, that's what he does.
00:55:58.000 So you do that when you're talking to the cops about the tits.
00:56:01.000 And you can go a number of ways.
00:56:02.000 You could pretend that the cops are mad and they're going to be right there.
00:56:04.000 Or you could pretend that what happens is what really happens, where they would go, you can't call us for that, sir.
00:56:10.000 And you could be criminally charged.
00:56:11.000 Stuff like that.
00:56:12.000 Depending on how funny you are.
00:56:13.000 Anyway.
00:56:14.000 Dear Gavin, I heard you tell the story about show me your tits or I'm calling the cops at least a billion times since I started following you.
00:56:20.000 Well, lately I've been dating this girl and after two dates I still hadn't managed to kiss her.
00:56:24.000 By the way guys,
00:56:25.000 When you're saying a sentence and it comes with a break in it, like, if you're going to be brushing your hair, then you should make sure there's no knots.
00:56:36.000 And when you do, if you're gonna be brushing your hair, it has to be comma.
00:56:39.000 You use a comma to break it up.
00:56:40.000 So, lately I've been dating this girl and after two dates, comma.
00:56:46.000 You need a comma there.
00:56:47.000 I still hadn't managed to kiss her, despite us having a good chemistry and enjoying each other's company.
00:56:53.000 Well, on our third and potentially last date, we'd gone for dinner and then proceeded to drinks.
00:56:59.000 After a while, we got to the topic of her body, somehow, and it ended up something like this.
00:57:04.000 You ready, Ryan?
00:57:04.000 Yes, I am.
00:57:05.000 No, you're not.
00:57:06.000 You're playing your fucking stupid video games.
00:57:07.000 I'm literally ready.
00:57:09.000 Okay.
00:57:09.000 Yeah, well, I actually have a pretty good body, but the last two weeks have been so intense that I've actually neglected my workouts.
00:57:16.000 Ass?
00:57:17.000 Yeah, but you wish.
00:57:19.000 If you don't show me, I'm afraid I'm going to have to call the police.
00:57:21.000 What are you talking about?
00:57:22.000 You only call the police if it's an emergency.
00:57:24.000 Yeah, exactly.
00:57:25.000 It's a goddamn emergency that I've been seeing this whole time and you've kept a perfect ass hidden from me all along.
00:57:31.000 A minute later, we're full on getting it on.
00:57:34.000 Now, here comes the game changer.
00:57:38.000 You should add this to your advice repertoire.
00:57:41.000 I was five weeks deep into no wanks and my sack was already bursting at the seams.
00:57:45.000 It's funny that we're getting this letter in the mail bag.
00:57:50.000 You were laughing as her?
00:57:53.000 What was that laugh?
00:57:54.000 Acknowledgement, three times.
00:57:57.000 You laugh like a Chinese immigrant trying to blend in.
00:57:59.000 Oh, it's not a laugh.
00:58:01.000 It's acknowledgement.
00:58:02.000 I see.
00:58:04.000 Although I'd gotten some other albeit ersatz pussy the week before, comparatively, that's a good use of the word ersatz.
00:58:11.000 I don't know, I've never seen that.
00:58:12.000 Ersatz means like a pale imitation, a shitty fake duplicate.
00:58:17.000 And right next to albeit,
00:58:19.000 That's great.
00:58:20.000 Albeit ersatz.
00:58:21.000 Impressive, young man.
00:58:24.000 I got some other albeit ersatz Pussy of the Week before, comparatively.
00:58:27.000 Then I went all in and said the following.
00:58:29.000 By the way, it worked for the second time just two days ago.
00:58:32.000 So this guy is now giving us tips.
00:58:36.000 Great.
00:58:37.000 All right.
00:58:38.000 Well, this may be way too much, and I'm going to go on a limb here, but I have to say it.
00:58:43.000 Okay, what?
00:58:45.000 The thing is, I only have one kink in bed.
00:58:49.000 The only thing I get off on... Sorry, he added me twice there.
00:58:53.000 So he goes, I have this one kink in bed and it's just the way I am.
00:58:59.000 I can only get off by giving.
00:59:01.000 Eyes widening.
00:59:03.000 Wow.
00:59:04.000 Really?
00:59:05.000 All guys are opposite.
00:59:06.000 They just want to get.
00:59:08.000 Yeah, I can't help it.
00:59:09.000 The only way I can get off is to go down on you.
00:59:11.000 We're leaving now.
00:59:13.000 Rest assured, the old dickaroo got dipped a few times.
00:59:16.000 Needless to say, you have to go down on her for at least 20 minutes and not be fucking shit at it for this to turn into a Me Too thing.
00:59:23.000 I'm not sure if it's because of the testosterone boost from no wanks or if it is the line, but the evidence was compelling for both as it worked just a day later.
00:59:31.000 I'm gonna try again tomorrow and again on Sunday, all with different chicks.
00:59:34.000 I'll keep you posted on my latest scientific endeavor.
00:59:37.000 Keep in mind, I will ring it soon.
00:59:38.000 This guy's a 10, by the way.
00:59:39.000 So he can say anything.
00:59:41.000 Oh, you have a picture of him?
00:59:43.000 Yeah, and I bet he could just say anything.
00:59:45.000 It's like, it seems like... Well, look him up.
00:59:46.000 He's got his name there.
00:59:47.000 He's got a weird... long... Plus, he's Northern European, so I don't know how it works over there.
00:59:54.000 Yeah, you could just be... In Schlavenkloop.
00:59:57.000 Just sneeze and get laid.
01:00:01.000 I'm looking at a guy with his name who is melt-in-your-mouth gorgeous.
01:00:06.000 Yeah, that guy's a good-looking man right there.
01:00:08.000 He looks like Brad Pitt.
01:00:10.000 He's got a suit.
01:00:11.000 He wears suits all the time.
01:00:13.000 He's active.
01:00:15.000 Mkay.
01:00:16.000 Mkay.
01:00:17.000 He's got an ethnic friend.
01:00:21.000 I got one of those.
01:00:22.000 Yeah.
01:00:24.000 What's his name?
01:00:27.000 Get it?
01:00:28.000 Wow, you really crack yourself up.
01:00:30.000 I thought that was good.
01:00:33.000 By the way, I got another letter.
01:00:34.000 I don't see it here now, but the guy was saying, how do you pick up chicks if the chick is your wife?
01:00:39.000 And I think that's a very good question.
01:00:41.000 Here's what you do.
01:00:42.000 First of all, disciplining the kids and being a dick to them on her behalf, like, don't you dare talk to your mother like that!
01:00:49.000 Or when they're like, ma'am, ma'am, you go, she's not the maid.
01:00:52.000 You clean it up.
01:00:53.000 Or she doesn't have to know where everything is.
01:00:55.000 You're responsible for your own crap.
01:00:57.000 They don't really like that.
01:00:59.000 I would think that would do well, because I'm standing up for you, but they just see a dad yelling and it's not good.
01:01:05.000 The way you get laid is, first you have to take her workload off.
01:01:08.000 Women have X amount of chi in them every day.
01:01:13.000 And when the kid's like, Mommy, Mom, where are the tennis balls?
01:01:16.000 Where's this?
01:01:18.000 Can I watch my iPad?
01:01:19.000 Blah, blah, blah.
01:01:20.000 Draining, draining, draining.
01:01:22.000 Then at the end of the day, you're like,
01:01:24.000 Hey, how about a beach?
01:01:26.000 They're just, no.
01:01:27.000 I found my wife the other day.
01:01:30.000 I locked the back door, and then I couldn't see her anywhere, and then I went back to the backyard, and she was sitting there in the dark on that, you know that blue chair we have with the white hanging thing?
01:01:42.000 And she's just like drained, like I need some alone time.
01:01:45.000 I need to be by myself.
01:01:46.000 Even when I go to bed, they'll come into the bed at night.
01:01:50.000 So it's just like, ma, ma, ma, all right.
01:01:53.000 So that woman is not dying to blow you.
01:01:55.000 So the way you get laid is you maintain their chi.
01:01:59.000 They get to have a bubble bath or something.
01:02:00.000 You take the kids out.
01:02:01.000 You take the kids doing fun, lots of activity stuff.
01:02:05.000 Batting cage, playing catch, kicking a ball around.
01:02:08.000 Ooh, going out for ice cream.
01:02:10.000 Or when we had a country place, I would take the kids on like six hour walks.
01:02:14.000 And she would do nothing but look at magazines and do all that chick stuff that they love to do.
01:02:18.000 Which is basically just sitting on your ass.
01:02:20.000 Have you ever said that about women?
01:02:22.000 Like you their idea of heaven.
01:02:23.000 That's why I call my wife blobs because I said to her what would you do?
01:02:27.000 Like if you could do anything in the world you go just sit in a giant bed with like 50 magazines Yeah, that's most women.
01:02:33.000 I would die of boredom Yeah, I know like on Mother's Day of great Father's Day gift is we're all gonna go camping and the kids aren't allowed to have screens We're gonna do this and that and build a fire.
01:02:41.000 Yeah Mother's Day is just get these fucking kids away from me I want to sit on my ass all day and like eat bonbons.
01:02:47.000 Yeah, and look at stupid fashion magazines
01:02:49.000 And girls that go hiking and do shit, they're really annoying.
01:02:53.000 They're usually really bad people.
01:02:54.000 Well, they're dykes.
01:02:59.000 So you want to maintain her chi by taking the kids off her hands.
01:03:03.000 Now I, what are you laughing at now?
01:03:05.000 It's true.
01:03:06.000 It's just like, hmm, what can I do besides thinking about dick?
01:03:09.000 Cause it's, I don't believe in lesbians for real.
01:03:12.000 You'd think lesbians are fake?
01:03:13.000 So they're just like, hmm, there's plenty of things to do besides thinking about males.
01:03:13.000 They're fake.
01:03:18.000 I can hike up a mountain.
01:03:20.000 You think lesbians, women who hike are lesbians pretending to be lesbians and they're secretly just trying not to think about dicks cause they want to think about dicks.
01:03:27.000 Yes.
01:03:28.000 They're stubborn.
01:03:30.000 You should write a book called Terrible Theories.
01:03:34.000 And it's all of these little pearls of wrong wisdom.
01:03:39.000 Anyway, so you maintain your chi.
01:03:43.000 Now, if you're really good, you would make dinner and do all the dishes.
01:03:46.000 I heard this woman say, I can't remember when I saw this, oh, you have so much garbage on your desk that you trip when you get up.
01:03:53.000 I heard this woman say that she has this chart this little deal with her husband Where if he does the dishes he gets a handjob if he if he cleans the house he gets sex If he makes dinner and cleans up everything he gets whatever he wants anal you name it round the world I Thought that was kind of interesting I mean my first instinct was fuck you that's weird, but then I thought no I don't mind that I'm into that
01:04:20.000 If you don't like it, then don't do it.
01:04:21.000 It's just a deal.
01:04:22.000 It's an offer.
01:04:23.000 It's a free market.
01:04:25.000 Anyway.
01:04:26.000 I'm a shitty cook and to cook a whole dinner and then clean up everything after, I don't think I'm going to want to fuck after.
01:04:26.000 I don't know.
01:04:33.000 I'm just going to be kind of bummed.
01:04:35.000 But that would be a great way.
01:04:37.000 So I guess what I'm saying is, as a non-cooking kind of guy, I would take the kids for all day and then not cook.
01:04:48.000 But if you're better than me, then you would take the kids for all day and cook and clean up the whole thing.
01:04:52.000 Now you're getting so fucking late.
01:04:54.000 It's going to be insane.
01:04:55.000 But here's another, you can either add this to the pile or make this the only one.
01:04:59.000 And I've, I've been successful with this without doing anything.
01:05:03.000 And I got this, this advice from my old literary agent, Bird Lievel.
01:05:08.000 And, uh, it is you watch their shows, get some wine, get some red wine in her.
01:05:15.000 And you sit there and you watch Real Housewives or The Bachelor or whatever.
01:05:20.000 And you're just like, she's a bitch.
01:05:22.000 You know what her problem is?
01:05:24.000 She doesn't even love her husband.
01:05:26.000 Well, you don't want to start planting those seeds.
01:05:28.000 But you say things like, she doesn't even like Ramona.
01:05:31.000 She's only there for the show.
01:05:34.000 You know what?
01:05:35.000 I promise you that they have never texted each other outside the show.
01:05:39.000 Because they're two opposites.
01:05:41.000 This one is self-obsessed.
01:05:42.000 And then Ramona, Ramona's all about other people.
01:05:45.000 And those two kind of people can't go together.
01:05:47.000 And the next thing you know, you're bonding.
01:05:49.000 And she forgets all the terrible things about you and remembers what you two have in common.
01:05:53.000 And men are good at analysis.
01:05:56.000 So I guarantee you, you're going to be saying things about this show that are actually pretty insightful and helpful.
01:06:03.000 Yeah.
01:06:04.000 Agreed.
01:06:05.000 That's great advice.
01:06:06.000 That's how you get laid, boys.
01:06:08.000 And then as far as dudes getting laid, I should do a whole different podcast on that.
01:06:12.000 But my advice is to come out of your corner swinging.
01:06:19.000 So I've said this before a million times, but don't be like, hi, everyone's my friend.
01:06:22.000 You're my friend.
01:06:23.000 I just, you're just a chick, but I love everyone.
01:06:26.000 I would just come right out and be like, you are so fucking hot.
01:06:29.000 It's unbelievable.
01:06:30.000 Holy shit.
01:06:31.000 I can't look at you.
01:06:33.000 I can't even, when you talk, I can just hear, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow.
01:06:36.000 You're too pretty.
01:06:37.000 I have to, would you be willing to wear a burka?
01:06:39.000 I have a burka.
01:06:40.000 I'm going to go get one.
01:06:41.000 I'm going to put a burka on you and then we can relax.
01:06:44.000 That's a good one.
01:06:46.000 Because then inevitably, if you do the friendly guy, you get them back to your apartment and then you have to do that first kiss.
01:06:52.000 And it's like me kissing Ryan.
01:06:54.000 Yeah.
01:06:54.000 They go, what, what are you doing?
01:06:56.000 You got to transform into Jekyll.
01:06:58.000 Yeah.
01:06:59.000 And that's, and it also shows that you were lying the whole time.
01:07:02.000 Or Mr. Hyde.
01:07:04.000 You want to show them that you never had any tricks up your sleeve.
01:07:07.000 I've wanted to fuck you since day one, bitch.
01:07:11.000 All right.
01:07:11.000 We got to go.
01:07:12.000 That's a very long podcast.
01:07:14.000 We'll be launching the site this week.
01:07:17.000 And I'm very excited to do it.
01:07:19.000 And I like you more than a friend.
01:07:23.000 Oh, wait, wait.
01:07:23.000 I got one letter that just came in.
01:07:26.000 You ready for this?
01:07:27.000 Louise Byrne.
01:07:29.000 Hello from a London dyke.
01:07:31.000 Yes, you do have lesbian fans, believe it or not.
01:07:33.000 So just wanted to say that ever since you introduced me to this diamond on an old TGN, the Gavin McInneshow episode, I haven't been able to get out of my, get her out of my head.
01:07:42.000 So thank you.
01:07:43.000 But also wanted to say that she should definitely be in your 25 hottest lists.
01:07:47.000 Yes.
01:07:48.000 What's her name?
01:07:50.000 Cat.
01:07:52.000 Cat.
01:07:56.000 Oh, she's reminding you of a guest that you had.
01:07:58.000 Yeah.
01:07:59.000 Oh, I know her.
01:07:59.000 She did meth.
01:08:01.000 What?
01:08:02.000 Yeah.
01:08:03.000 Cat Marnell?
01:08:05.000 No, dude.
01:08:06.000 You're not even looking.
01:08:06.000 That's a cat.
01:08:07.000 There's a picture of her here.
01:08:09.000 Oh, I know.
01:08:09.000 I can do that cool Google image thing.
01:08:11.000 Yeah.
01:08:11.000 Reverse image search.
01:08:13.000 Yeah.
01:08:13.000 This actually, I'm so glad we got this letter because it reminds me of why you can't be friends with men.
01:08:20.000 Catherine Pierce.
01:08:21.000 Catherine Pierce was dating Albert Hammond Jr.
01:08:24.000 from The Strokes.
01:08:26.000 And uh, he was a friend of mine, actually lived near him.
01:08:31.000 Not Catherine Pierce the author, Catherine Pierce the musician.
01:08:36.000 She's got blonde hair and big lips and she's a southern belle.
01:08:39.000 She's a 9.6 I'd say.
01:08:42.000 And sometimes I'd be talking to her drunk and just like sitting on the floor next to her.
01:08:48.000 One time I sat on the ground when she was sitting at a table eating because I was so wasted and my id took over and I just made a fucking fool of myself.
01:08:55.000 It was embarrassing.
01:08:56.000 It embarrassed my wife too that I'm being so flirty with this chick.
01:09:00.000 So I had to just stay the fuck away from her because I liked her.
01:09:02.000 I was too attracted to her.
01:09:04.000 But Catherine Pierce of the Pierces.
01:09:07.000 Is a fucking insane knockout.
01:09:09.000 It's kind of weird for me to put her on the 25 hottest list though, because, um, uh, I know her.
01:09:17.000 So it's sort of like roaming millennial where you're coveting thy neighbor's wife.
01:09:22.000 She's a real person.
01:09:24.000 Fucking Albert Hammond Jr.
01:09:25.000 could have been married to her, but he chose heroin.
01:09:28.000 That sounds like a thing you'd get at Arby's.
01:09:30.000 What?
01:09:31.000 Marriage?
01:09:32.000 And Albert Hammond Jr.?
01:09:36.000 His dad was a successful musician too.
01:09:38.000 Alright, we gotta go.
01:09:39.000 Get fired, get in trouble, be brave, and never stop fighting.