Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes - Get Off My Lawn Podcast #121 | Let's take a really close look at the mail bag

00:00:00.000 Let's take a really close look at the male bag.

00:00:06.000 And Ryan, you should spell that M-A-I-L.

00:00:10.000 M-A-I-L or M-A-L-E?

00:00:13.000 What?

00:00:13.000 M-A-L-E as in male bag.

00:00:17.000 What?

00:00:18.000 I should spell it the way male, like a mailman or like a female male.

00:00:26.000 I don't understand how you could not know that I'm aware of the double entendre here.

00:00:33.000 Yes.

00:00:34.000 You don't think that's occurred to me?

00:00:35.000 Well, last time you told me to spell it M-A-L-E.

00:00:38.000 Where?

00:00:39.000 Last time you spoke about it.

00:00:40.000 On what?

00:00:42.000 On the podcast.

00:00:42.000 But where would you be spelling it?

00:00:45.000 In the write-up.

00:00:47.000 Oh, are you sure?

00:00:48.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:00:49.000 And then I spelled it that way.

00:00:51.000 Alright, sorry.

00:00:53.000 Joke's on me.

00:00:54.000 Sorry.

00:00:55.000 Um, this time I want it MAIL.

00:00:59.000 Okay.

00:00:59.000 But, um, some people don't like the mailbag.

00:01:03.000 And if you're one of those people, fuck you.

00:01:06.000 Get lost.

00:01:06.000 Don't listen to this episode.

00:01:08.000 Yeah.

00:01:10.000 I kind of like it.

00:01:11.000 I got some big biggies coming up.

00:01:13.000 I was thinking about doing the history of punk, but I may make that a green screen video.

00:01:17.000 I'm going to start amassing stuff for this new show.

00:01:20.000 So when you click on and sign up, there's a bunch of shit there and not just one video.

00:01:26.000 So maybe I'll save that for that.

00:01:28.000 I also want to talk about Jill Abramson's new book, The Merchants of Truth.

00:01:33.000 I started reading that.

00:01:34.000 She basically followed the Washington Post, the New York Times, Vice, and BuzzFeed over the past sort of 20 years.

00:01:43.000 But more specifically, the past 10 years.

00:01:47.000 And she uses them as an example of what's happening to media.

00:01:51.000 I've hung out with her for a couple days.

00:01:54.000 Two separate very long interviews.

00:01:55.000 She's incompetent.

00:01:58.000 I'm halfway done the book.

00:01:59.000 I'm up to 17 major errors.

00:02:02.000 Like calling Shane Smith the editor of Vice.

00:02:06.000 Big doozies.

00:02:08.000 And I realized that she kind of personifies the problem with the New York Times and Boomer reporting, which is they do novellas, they do historical novels.

00:02:20.000 I think this started sometime in the 1700s, maybe the 1800s, where they said, hey, let's take history and make it fun.

00:02:27.000 So we'll do like Braveheart.

00:02:28.000 Braveheart's a good example.

00:02:30.000 The love interest in the second half of Braveheart would have been four years old at the time.

00:02:35.000 So they make her an adult and it helps the story along blah blah blah.

00:02:39.000 That's how she wrote this book.

00:02:41.000 It's a novel.

00:02:43.000 And she makes this person that and this person that and changes shit around and, you know, she makes BuzzFeed.

00:02:51.000 They started in 06, but she makes this weird conflict in 2002 where there was the BuzzFeed people and the Vice people and they were different camps.

00:03:01.000 BuzzFeed didn't exist, lady.

00:03:02.000 What are you talking about?

00:03:04.000 Wow.

00:03:04.000 That's one minor.

00:03:05.000 I don't even know if I listed that in the 17.

00:03:08.000 Like there's times when Shane was lying.

00:03:10.000 When he said he was in a gang where nine people died and eventually it was like, what's the point, you know?

00:03:16.000 That's her believing a Shane lie.

00:03:18.000 I didn't include that.

00:03:20.000 I include her making terrible, brutal mistakes.

00:03:24.000 And of course, if you look up, Michael Moynihan documented her plagiarism very well.

00:03:28.000 And that's shocking.

00:03:30.000 I didn't even include that.

00:03:32.000 So anyway, that'll be a whole other one.

00:03:35.000 What's the name of the book?

00:03:36.000 The Merchants of Truth.

00:03:38.000 You know, I was making myself laugh because it's like, we are the merchants of truth.

00:03:48.000 I fucking hate that band.

00:03:50.000 What's that, Dire Straits?

00:03:52.000 Yes, dude.

00:03:52.000 They rule.

00:03:53.000 Mark Knopfler and his bald head and his guitar, his little bandana.

00:03:58.000 Oh, that ain't working.

00:03:59.000 That's the way you do it.

00:04:03.000 Ryan, I want you to know, when you like a band, it means it's a shitty band.

00:04:07.000 Your taste in music is a woman's because you grew up without a dad.

00:04:11.000 So you like Roxanne's music.

00:04:13.000 You're a woman.

00:04:15.000 You're worse than a woman.

00:04:17.000 You're a Puerto Rican woman from the 80s.

00:04:18.000 Yeah.

00:04:22.000 You were trying to convince me the other day that a really good song is What's Love Got to Do With It by Tina Turner.

00:04:28.000 It's a jam.

00:04:30.000 Who needs a heart when a heart can be broken?

00:04:34.000 Whoa!

00:04:36.000 Yeah.

00:04:37.000 That's not even good Tina Turner.

00:04:39.000 She had like, Proud Mary keep on burning, where she's jumping around like she just did a huge line.

00:04:46.000 That was reasonable.

00:04:47.000 But late, Tina Turner?

00:04:49.000 That's like being into late Prince.

00:04:52.000 You're a broad.

00:04:54.000 Listen to this beat.

00:04:58.000 Yeah.

00:04:58.000 I see a guy with hair like yours, but blonde, with a really baggy peach shirt, who does coke non-recreationally.

00:05:09.000 He does coke the way I do Gatorade.

00:05:12.000 It's just a round.

00:05:14.000 Like he doesn't even do it with buddies.

00:05:18.000 Do you like Paula Abdul?

00:05:20.000 I like the one song Straight Up.

00:05:22.000 Yep.

00:05:22.000 Do you like Gloria Estevan?

00:05:24.000 Yeah, I like that one song.

00:05:25.000 Yeah, exactly.

00:05:28.000 Selina's really good.

00:05:30.000 You're a douche.

00:05:32.000 All right, anyway, let's try to cleanse people's mental palate from your horrible taste and scooch-a-looch over here to the mailbag.

00:05:42.000 Anyway, I'll get to Merchants of Truth in another episode.

00:05:44.000 I think that one will be called, Every Story About Vice is Wrong.

00:05:48.000 The only accurate portrayal of vice, the early days, is my book, Death of Cool.

00:05:53.000 It's 100% honest.

00:05:54.000 I offered $1,000 to anyone who can find me lying in that book.

00:05:58.000 It's a totally honest portrayal of the Vice story.

00:06:02.000 And her version is terrible.

00:06:07.000 Terrible.

00:06:08.000 Oh, they were sexist.

00:06:10.000 Oh, um...

00:06:13.000 I was kicked out for being racist.

00:06:15.000 Racism was a big thing with me.

00:06:16.000 Again and again and again.

00:06:17.000 Like no Japanese puke porn or any of the other raunchy stuff.

00:06:21.000 They just isolate that one thing.

00:06:23.000 And it's all seen through the lens of a New York Times writer.

00:06:26.000 So every time she chooses a source with Vice, it's almost always the New York Times.

00:06:31.000 When it's another source, she doesn't mention the source and just plagiarizes them.

00:06:35.000 Unapologetically.

00:06:37.000 She even said I started a white supremacist gang called the Proud Boys and I was arrested after doing my talk on October 12th.

00:06:44.000 That's not in the book.

00:06:45.000 She said that at a promo for her book.

00:06:48.000 I was arrested?

00:06:49.000 What, bitch?

00:06:51.000 She's just a dumb, rich, Upper West Side cow who's probably paid a bunch of loser interns to do the majority of the work for the book and didn't even check to see if they had plagiarized everything.

00:07:03.000 And it's ironic that she's, you know, talking about the merchants of truth and defending the New York Times.

00:07:11.000 Everything you need to know about the New York Times is in Bill McGowan's two books, Grey Lady Down and Coloring the News, which they refused to review, of course, because it betrayed them badly.

00:07:22.000 Anyway, sorry, I'm doing a future podcast in this podcast.

00:07:25.000 This one is all about the mail bag, which really is

00:07:31.000 One of the least appealing things on a human.

00:07:35.000 Labium majoris gets a bad rap.

00:07:38.000 I think pussies are beautiful, but gays disagree with me.

00:07:41.000 Jim Goad slapped me in the face and said, how dare you say a pussy's beautiful?

00:07:46.000 It's not.

00:07:47.000 It's an acquired taste.

00:07:48.000 I do agree it's an acquired taste, but I think they're pretty.

00:07:52.000 And even when women are fat, they look kind of good.

00:07:55.000 Like when I'm, what are you doing?

00:07:57.000 Oh, that's from outside.

00:07:59.000 When a man is fat,

00:08:01.000 He's got hairs everywhere, protruding and we're so turgid when we're fat.

00:08:06.000 We're not curvy.

00:08:09.000 Although you know what we should do?

00:08:10.000 You know those commercials or those videos that they do where they go, everyone is beautiful.

00:08:15.000 Everything's beautiful.

00:08:17.000 And they have some photo shoot, which that is with like Emily Rajatowski or some supermodel or Gigi Hadid.

00:08:24.000 wearing a man's shirt and nothing else and you know sitting on a couch and then they'll redo with some enormous fat pig

00:08:32.000 Me, and who else?

00:08:34.000 Gary, Friar Tuck guy, some big fat guys we know, should recreate those photo shoots.

00:08:42.000 Or imagine Anthony Cumia recreating a David Beckham Calvin Klein perfume photo shoot cologne.

00:08:50.000 Wouldn't that be awesome?

00:08:50.000 Where we go, we're just as beautiful.

00:08:52.000 It's just a matter of being lit.

00:08:54.000 It's amazing that these tubs of lard think that if they just get the same lighting,

00:08:59.000 Then they'll be just as attractive as a woman who's so pretty that she has nothing else to offer the world.

00:09:07.000 Women so beautiful that they talk like they have brain damage.

00:09:15.000 Lena Dunham paints like a beautiful woman.

00:09:18.000 We were just looking at some of her paintings where she paints her friends.

00:09:21.000 You gotta check them out.

00:09:22.000 She is as talented as a breathtakingly gorgeous woman, but she's not.

00:09:27.000 She's a hideous, self-obsessed tub of shit.

00:09:31.000 One of the worst painters I've ever seen.

00:09:33.000 My kids are honestly better than her, and I'm not exaggerating.

00:09:35.000 My six-year-old is a better artist than Lena Dunham, and I'm not exaggerating.

00:09:42.000 Alright, should we start this?

00:09:44.000 Was I done talking about the mailbag?

00:09:46.000 It really is... I guess...

00:09:49.000 Like if you were to shave it kind of short and then you're cold, so it gets, you know, kind of like a prune and it's less dangly.

00:09:57.000 That's the best it gets.

00:09:59.000 And that just looks like a weird fruit, like some exotic Kiwi that went bad, that was left in the edge of a beach for three weeks and it got saltwater pollution or something.

00:10:14.000 You know what I mean?

00:10:14.000 Yeah.

00:10:16.000 Okay, well it looks like a shell with a bunch of weird thumbprints on it or something.

00:10:22.000 That'd be funny if they don't use it because it's just too much work, but your bag print is actually much more accurate than your fingerprint.

00:10:31.000 If you just dip, like you go to customs and they draw the curtain and you just like, they put some ice on it and then they dry it off to get it nice and cold.

00:10:38.000 And then you dip your bag in the ink and you dip your bag on the large, large red square in front of you.

00:10:46.000 And they're just like, yep, those lines match up.

00:10:48.000 Just a mug shot and then two fucking

00:10:50.000 Although, you know, I've talked to fags about bags and that's a talk show.

00:10:59.000 Fags about bags.

00:11:01.000 Talking to fags about bags.

00:11:03.000 I gotta go see a fag about a bag.

00:11:07.000 Yeah, the guy works at a purse manufacturer.

00:11:10.000 He works at Coach.

00:11:12.000 Where do you work?

00:11:13.000 Coach, I'm just basically, I just talk to fags about bags all day.

00:11:17.000 This is Nubuck.

00:11:18.000 It just came in from France.

00:11:19.000 It's pink.

00:11:20.000 I'm a fag bag.

00:11:21.000 Actually, isn't that what you call when a man has a purse?

00:11:23.000 You call it a fag bag, right?

00:11:25.000 I saw some black dude on the corner by your house the other day.

00:11:28.000 He's like, you know, regular dude, just like working class guy, Timberlands on, waiting for the bus.

00:11:34.000 And he had one strap that goes over the shoulder, another strap that goes around the side, and then there's a little bag on the front that could maybe hold like a baseball hat and an iPhone.

00:11:44.000 Not much.

00:11:45.000 And it had a little clip on it.

00:11:46.000 So it was kind of utilitarian looking.

00:11:49.000 It obviously wasn't flamboyant, but it was still a purse.

00:11:52.000 Yeah.

00:11:52.000 No, he's much bigger than me, and I felt like just saying, nice fag bag.

00:11:57.000 But I chickened out.

00:11:58.000 Yeah, you shouldn't.

00:11:59.000 Yeah, why pick a fight with giant black men?

00:12:00.000 I'm done, by the way, with fighting cops.

00:12:03.000 I'm not doing it anymore.

00:12:04.000 Oh, like boxing cops?

00:12:05.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:12:05.000 Yeah, I'm done.

00:12:07.000 You know why?

00:12:07.000 Why?

00:12:08.000 And this is also why they should retire.

00:12:10.000 I used to make fun of them for getting to retire at 40 and getting that insane pension.

00:12:15.000 They should retire at 40.

00:12:17.000 You know why?

00:12:17.000 Dude, that monitor's distracting me.

00:12:19.000 Can you turn it off?

00:12:20.000 Yep.

00:12:23.000 Their cortisone levels are shattered after 20 years on the job.

00:12:27.000 You know what cops have to do after 20 years on the job?

00:12:30.000 They'll be going into an apartment where a guy's about to kill his kids and he has a gun.

00:12:35.000 And he's gonna execute them, and himself, and you, and they'll have to go, come on, me, get pumped, get pumped, because they're not scared.

00:12:44.000 Huh.

00:12:45.000 They have to wake up their adrenaline.

00:12:47.000 Yeah, they're like, come on, dude, this is actually pretty serious.

00:12:49.000 You should be scared.

00:12:50.000 Meanwhile, you know, the rookie is pooping in his pants, which you should be, you know, because you want your eyeballs, all that stuff that adrenaline does, the fight or flight stuff, where your brain's moving faster and your eyes go like golf balls and they take more in, like you're on natural Adderall.

00:13:05.000 That's the way you have to be to survive.

00:13:07.000 But towards the end they're just like, I think he's gonna blow his head off if he tries to shoot his kids.

00:13:14.000 And when you fight those guys, the secret to boxing is to be relaxed.

00:13:19.000 And not only are they relaxed, but they sort of have this, you got a fucking problem?

00:13:24.000 So when you punch a cop in the head, he just nails you.

00:13:27.000 And it's not supposed to be that inspiring.

00:13:29.000 It's supposed to be buddies.

00:13:31.000 All right, that brings us to our first letter from Peter Voss.

00:13:34.000 I'm saying all your names, by the way.

00:13:37.000 Like, you're going to get fired because you wrote a letter into a podcast?

00:13:41.000 This is not Daily Stormer.

00:13:42.000 Maybe the content's a little dicey, though.

00:13:44.000 You never know.

00:13:45.000 Oh, yeah.

00:13:46.000 Hey, Gavin, I've been fucking kids for a while now, and I'm wondering, this is illegal, right?

00:13:52.000 I wouldn't read that letter anyway.

00:13:54.000 So I'm gonna start saying your names.

00:13:55.000 Also, you can't keep sending these to me.

00:13:57.000 They're consuming my inbox.

00:13:59.000 From now on, they're gonna send them to you, Ryan.

00:14:02.000 Yeah, they have been.

00:14:02.000 I'm overloaded.

00:14:03.000 Okay, so here's Ryan's email.

00:14:04.000 You ready?

00:14:05.000 This is officially the letters page of Get Off My Lawn.

00:14:08.000 It's nopeyup.stuff at gmail.com.

00:14:13.000 Okay.

00:14:14.000 That's really weird.

00:14:16.000 Nope.

00:14:16.000 Yup.

00:14:17.000 Yup is Y-U-P?

00:14:18.000 Yup.

00:14:19.000 N-O-P-E-Y-U-P.

00:14:21.000 Nope.

00:14:22.000 Yup.

00:14:23.000 Dot stuff.

00:14:24.000 N-O-P-E-Y-U-P dot stuff at gmail.com.

00:14:30.000 Correct.

00:14:31.000 Nope.

00:14:31.000 Yup.

00:14:32.000 Dot stuff at gmail.com.

00:14:33.000 Nobody's having a problem finding it so far.

00:14:35.000 I'm fucking swamped.

00:14:37.000 Okay.

00:14:37.000 So, on the screen, optional, I'll line one up for you so you could read from my screen, too.

00:14:42.000 I'll keep it on this.

00:14:43.000 Okay.

00:14:44.000 So, this is from Peter.

00:14:46.000 He says, Gavin, I got the impression from your podcast that you don't realize how much damage sparring does to your brain.

00:14:53.000 Joe Rogan talks about this all the time, and even though he has a mad obsession with martial arts, he doesn't spar at all because of how much long-term damage it does.

00:15:01.000 Doesn't he do wrestling-y stuff?

00:15:04.000 You're not gonna get a lot of punches in the head.

00:15:06.000 Brazilian jiu-jitsu and kickboxing.

00:15:08.000 Pull that shit up, Jamie.

00:15:09.000 And UFC.

00:15:10.000 Pull that shit up, Jamie.

00:15:11.000 Even many professional MMA fighters have less than 25 fights in their career, and a lot of times they still end up with brain damage.

00:15:16.000 Just something to consider if you don't want to end up with severe dementia in your 70s.

00:15:21.000 P.S.

00:15:22.000 Whose is a real word, meaning who has, while whose, apostrophe s, is short for who is.

00:15:27.000 This is yet again more millennial-splaining.

00:15:30.000 It really amazes me.

00:15:32.000 This is a new phenomenon.

00:15:34.000 I guarantee you, 20 years ago, you would not have men in their 20s and even early 30s talking to 48-year-olds and telling them about life.

00:15:45.000 It really shocks me.

00:15:46.000 Even today, at the gym, yes, I was sparring.

00:15:51.000 And by the way, I spar maybe three times a week maximum and we're not...

00:15:55.000 Nailing each other in the head.

00:15:56.000 We're just, poof, nailing each other in the head.

00:15:59.000 And I don't even like that, but I'm definitely not getting fucking brain damage.

00:16:03.000 And I know what, I know what pugilistic dementia is.

00:16:07.000 I'm familiar with boxing, dude.

00:16:09.000 You child!

00:16:14.000 Why are children telling old men?

00:16:16.000 I've noticed this with women, too.

00:16:17.000 Basically, the problem is we've empowered everyone too much.

00:16:20.000 And women at Disneyland coming up to me, Yeah, actually, you can renew your pass at Thursday.

00:16:25.000 Yeah, I know, bitch.

00:16:26.000 But it's not until 8pm, okay?

00:16:29.000 Why are you talking to me like I know stuff?

00:16:31.000 Even today at the gym, we're doing this thing where we're practicing deking out jabs, and I wanted to say to the guy, he doesn't go past my elbow enough, so he's not able to get me in the ribs.

00:16:43.000 And I was he's younger than me.

00:16:45.000 And I'm still very sort of trepidatious about explaining.

00:16:50.000 Hey, man, the coach was saying you got to go past the elbow.

00:16:55.000 So you get all this sweet meat.

00:16:56.000 I'm making jokes to calling my ribs sweet meat.

00:16:59.000 You know, because I'm very careful about telling someone what to do.

00:17:04.000 Like, women should not be going up to grown men with three kids and going, yeah, actually, you just take the bus there, it's much faster.

00:17:10.000 Fuck you, bitch.

00:17:12.000 Do you think it has anything to do with, like, when cell phones and, like, smart TVs and DVD players came out, my parents are always asking me, like, how this shit works, so then they feel like they know shit now, and they're like, oh, I guess they're just complete retards, but really they just needed help with the tech.

00:17:26.000 Yeah, that's a good theory.

00:17:28.000 I think it also has to do with

00:17:32.000 When I was young, this whole thing started.

00:17:36.000 That had never been done before.

00:17:38.000 Previous to the 70s, it was just, buck up, don't be a bitch, get up, get back on the horse, was a big thing.

00:17:43.000 And bullies, well, whatever, bullies, punch them in the face.

00:17:47.000 Then in the 70s, the baby boomers started making cartoons and kids shows, and they started going, It's alright to cry.

00:17:56.000 Crying makes you feel better.

00:18:00.000 And it was basically saying, hey wimps and fags, it's okay.

00:18:04.000 And that's fair.

00:18:06.000 You know, a gay kid in the 70s shouldn't want to kill himself.

00:18:09.000 In fact, I think at the Earl of March in Kanata there was this gay guy, David Ibbotson, now we're up to the 80s, and I believe he killed himself.

00:18:16.000 He was definitely gay, but maybe that's why he killed himself.

00:18:20.000 Alright, so that's fine.

00:18:21.000 No one has a problem with that.

00:18:22.000 70s civil rights, SJW stuff, was not annoying.

00:18:26.000 It was, hey ladies, if

00:18:30.000 Giant underline, all cap, bold.

00:18:32.000 If you want to leave the kitchen and go have a job, go fucking bananas.

00:18:36.000 The problem with modern feminism, equality, whatever, is it says, if you're in the kitchen, you're a stupid bitch, loser, slave.

00:18:43.000 Get in the workforce, ladies.

00:18:44.000 Don't be a baby machine.

00:18:47.000 And it says to nerds and gays and whatever, outcasts, misfits, it says, not only are you alright, you're better, you rock!

00:18:56.000 Kids rule!

00:18:58.000 That's a big thing now.

00:18:59.000 Kids rock!

00:19:00.000 You're a badass!

00:19:02.000 Hey, let's ban the word bossy!

00:19:04.000 Girls are superheroes!

00:19:06.000 Girls are Captain Marvel!

00:19:08.000 So I think we've given all these kids this a self-esteem problem, which is too much self-esteem They're too proud of themselves even my kids my own kids.

00:19:21.000 They're like, I'm a savage boss at this I'm gonna be a savage boss and we'll sit down and play foosball and I'll destroy him and the whole time as I'm eating him alive on the scoreboard He's just like I'm gonna win.

00:19:33.000 I'm gonna win the whole time.

00:19:35.000 It's infuriating Then we have a rematch and he loses and loses again

00:19:39.000 So I try to counteract it by every time I win I go into his face and I go, HA HA!

00:19:45.000 You're gonna win, huh?

00:19:48.000 Wow, nice win!

00:19:49.000 Like I have to really ramp up the bullying and teasing in my own home to try to get these egos down to a normal level.

00:19:57.000 No, I know what you're saying, Ryan.

00:19:58.000 You're saying, but half of your complaints are these boomer women, these balls.

00:20:03.000 B-A-W-L, Boomer Angry Women Liberals.

00:20:05.000 You'll notice most of my puns and double entendres revolve around male genitalia.

00:20:11.000 That's cause it's on my mind.

00:20:15.000 Then why are these boomer women so arrogant and telling you what to do and don't do this and don't let your kids play with plastic bags and all this other shit you already know?

00:20:25.000 That's different.

00:20:26.000 That's the teachers unions.

00:20:28.000 Has told all these women, these female teachers, that they're the boss of the world and they have to fight the patriarchy and they have to end guns and Trump is a Nazi and make sure your kids know all this.

00:20:38.000 Make sure your kids know about gender and pronouns and all this stuff.

00:20:43.000 The teachers unions have done this to teachers and then the teachers do that to all their female friends.

00:20:47.000 So the unions have ruined boomer women.

00:20:51.000 And then, professors have ruined young women.

00:20:55.000 Anyway, feminism is just really... Feminism is to women what South Africa is to white farmers.

00:21:03.000 It's just as gory.

00:21:04.000 All right, we're not exactly ripping through these, but that's one letter out of a thousand.

00:21:15.000 Chris wants to know if we should have more censorship.

00:21:17.000 Hey Gavin, I've been enjoying your podcast and listening to them on Spotify.

00:21:22.000 I noticed recently the Spotify homepage lists your top podcasts, lists four or five podcasts that I've listened to before, but your podcast doesn't show up.

00:21:28.000 And it's mostly what I listen to, he says.

00:21:31.000 And I did hear that a lot around March 6th.

00:21:35.000 I don't hear it anymore, but around that time I was getting several people telling me that Spotify was unsubscribing them.

00:21:43.000 From the podcast.

00:21:45.000 So I've been banned from just about everything.

00:21:48.000 Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, PayPal.

00:21:51.000 I'm still the... I think most people regret this.

00:21:55.000 There seems to be a backlash against this.

00:21:57.000 Hence Joe Rogan bringing it up with Jack Dorsey.

00:21:59.000 But Spotify I'm still on.

00:22:02.000 I'm back on iTunes.

00:22:03.000 Back on YouTube.

00:22:05.000 Check TheGavin2000 if you want to see him.

00:22:08.000 You should also check NoHate.com, by the way, where I do videos as Miles McInnes.

00:22:12.000 Oops, I just gave it away.

00:22:13.000 Where my brother does videos, I meant to say.

00:22:17.000 But yeah, even within those that allow this hate monger to exist, there's weird shit going on.

00:22:25.000 And one of them was Spotify's shadow banning.

00:22:27.000 That appears to have stopped.

00:22:30.000 Here's another one from Patrick Coffin.

00:22:33.000 Really weird last name, huh?

00:22:35.000 We know what your ancestors did and it was Macabre.

00:22:39.000 Of PatrickCoffin.media and he said, I did an interview with him, really long one.

00:22:45.000 I thought it was pretty good.

00:22:46.000 Hey Gavin, Facebook is shadow banning your interview.

00:22:49.000 Twitter's been banning various episodes of mine.

00:22:52.000 I'm sure your episode will get screwed with.

00:22:55.000 Interesting.

00:22:57.000 Tony Mazur says I'll keep it short for the scrotum, the male bag.

00:23:01.000 I used to be in terrible relationships with vapid bipolar twats.

00:23:05.000 I personally don't get guys who are not into crazy chicks.

00:23:11.000 It's fun.

00:23:12.000 The sex is amazing.

00:23:13.000 I mean, of course they trash your house and they transfer your bank account into their bank account and they burn your passport when you say you're going to visit your parents without them.

00:23:24.000 But at least if you're a young man, I don't know.

00:23:27.000 It's kind of fun.

00:23:28.000 You know, I once knew a guy in Montreal, and this disturbed me so deeply, I never got over it.

00:23:34.000 I'm talking about 1994 right now.

00:23:38.000 And this guy was a big guy, about 6'4", and he had buck teeth and a big nose, and he looked exactly like a giant mouse.

00:23:45.000 Like from a Disney movie.

00:23:47.000 And I said, he was going out with this girl who was super hot and really into herself.

00:23:51.000 Like, this is before Instagram, obviously, and she'd take sexy pictures of herself.

00:23:55.000 God, she had slightly short hair, which was a bummer.

00:23:58.000 But besides that, what a knockout!

00:24:00.000 Just a dirty little bitch.

00:24:02.000 And I said, oh, what happened to you and Hannah, by the way?

00:24:04.000 You still going out with that fine piece of ass?

00:24:06.000 And he goes, no, I dumped her, and she's a total slut.

00:24:09.000 And I went, ah, that sucks.

00:24:11.000 She's cheating on you?

00:24:11.000 And he goes, no, no, no.

00:24:12.000 She never cheated on me, but just, like, super slutty.

00:24:16.000 Can you fucking believe that?

00:24:20.000 He dumped a girl for being too horny.

00:24:25.000 A hot girl in a monogamous relationship.

00:24:29.000 What?

00:24:30.000 What, did she want to blow you too much?

00:24:32.000 Can you believe that, Ryan?

00:24:33.000 Makes me pissed.

00:24:35.000 Exactly.

00:24:36.000 Thank you.

00:24:36.000 Yes.

00:24:37.000 Makes me mad.

00:24:38.000 He's probably insecure.

00:24:39.000 He's like, well, if she's going to do that to me, then she'll probably... I want to shove him.

00:24:44.000 Right now, I want to shove him.

00:24:45.000 He's probably in his 50s right now.

00:24:47.000 I'm gonna just go up to him.

00:24:48.000 He won't remember me.

00:24:49.000 Oh, what the fuck?

00:24:50.000 He'll be with his kid at a hockey game, and I'll just come by and shove him against the boards on the other side.

00:24:56.000 Who the hell are you?

00:24:57.000 You know what it's about.

00:24:58.000 You dumped that slut in 1994.

00:25:00.000 Are you her brother?

00:25:02.000 No relation.

00:25:03.000 No relation whatsoever, but I have a dick.

00:25:07.000 And it's pissed too.

00:25:11.000 It's actually pissing.

00:25:12.000 We're mad at you.

00:25:13.000 Who's we?

00:25:13.000 Me and my dick?

00:25:16.000 You're a shame to dicks everywhere.

00:25:18.000 I talked about you in the mail bag.

00:25:21.000 All right, dude, bye.

00:25:23.000 The most reasonable thing is like, that guy must be from the future or something.

00:25:28.000 I kind of am.

00:25:29.000 I used to be in terrible relationships with vapid bipolar twats, but I stayed because I'd pretend everything is great after I blew a load.

00:25:34.000 I joined Team No Wanks and now I'm engaged to a lovely lady.

00:25:38.000 Thanks for turning my life around by telling me to stop beating off.

00:25:40.000 This one is kind of confusing, Tony, because if you're not beating off, sex is very much better.

00:25:46.000 Nice grammar, Gav.

00:25:49.000 A lot better.

00:25:51.000 So you'd think you'd be more inclined to stay in a relationship if you do no wanks.

00:25:56.000 But it is literally magic.

00:25:58.000 And guys, when the far left hears about this, they go, oh, Gavin McInnes tells you when you can masturbate.

00:26:04.000 I'm telling you to quit hard liquor, basically.

00:26:08.000 I'm telling you to try.

00:26:09.000 Try it for 10 days.

00:26:11.000 Try not beating off for 10 days and get back to me.

00:26:14.000 This is from Jaden Lawrence.

00:26:15.000 And today's video, by the way, on the Gavin 2000 on YouTube will be about that.

00:26:19.000 We'll stop watching porn.

00:26:21.000 Yes.

00:26:24.000 Can you explain your reasoning behind not allowing the person in front of you to lean back on the plane?

00:26:27.000 I've gotten a little more conscious of it since you brought it up.

00:26:29.000 You seem to be totally against it.

00:26:31.000 Why not?

00:26:32.000 I will say, one time I was... This is so weird.

00:26:34.000 People do this all the time.

00:26:35.000 The answer's in their question.

00:26:37.000 I will say, one time I was doing work on my laptop and this fat prick in front of me, I can picture him, decides to lean back.

00:26:43.000 My laptop screen got stuck between the seat and the pull-out tray and almost got bent in half.

00:26:49.000 That's happened to me too.

00:26:51.000 It gets wedged under that lip, and as they push back, your $3,000 Mac PowerBook is about to get crunched.

00:26:58.000 Yep.

00:26:59.000 And you zip it out just in time.

00:27:05.000 Luckily I pulled it out, but I wanted to scream at the fat fuck, should I have?

00:27:09.000 Yes, you should have said, hey, hey!

00:27:10.000 Dude!

00:27:12.000 And he would think you're an asshole, by the way, for yelling, because I've had fights with Greg Gutfeld about this.

00:27:18.000 It's your right.

00:27:19.000 Your chair comes with a button.

00:27:21.000 It's your right to just yank her back!

00:27:23.000 Just yank it on back!

00:27:24.000 Without even looking.

00:27:27.000 The chair... Basically, you are in an apartment that's so small that if you stretch out, your legs go into your neighbor's apartment.

00:27:36.000 That's okay.

00:27:38.000 If your neighbor's not home or if your neighbor doesn't have guests over and doesn't mind seeing two feet poke into his living room.

00:27:44.000 If he does have guests over or he is in his living room, keep your fucking feet to yourself.

00:27:50.000 Now, if you're on an overnight flight and everyone's asleep and we all have our chairs back, okay.

00:27:57.000 Or if there's a midget or a little kid behind you, okay.

00:28:01.000 Have a look behind you.

00:28:02.000 But if someone is sitting up

00:28:04.000 And you decide to cut their space by, I'd say, 37%?

00:28:07.000 Then you're a dick, and I don't like you.

00:28:12.000 I am a bigot.

00:28:15.000 You know, I get accused of bigotry all the time.

00:28:17.000 It's never racial.

00:28:18.000 It's not racial.

00:28:20.000 Ryan, if you're coloring something in, separate it as a layer, use the selection tool for that one spot, and then on a layer below it,

00:28:30.000 Sorry, I'm giving you two things at once.

00:28:32.000 And then like a clipping mask.

00:28:33.000 You can color it underneath after you separate it as just line art, and that can give you a more natural mistake where the things will peek out of the side of the lines.

00:28:42.000 Or if you don't want to do that, use the paint bucket or something.

00:28:45.000 Why don't you use the paint bucket?

00:28:46.000 That's all closed in.

00:28:47.000 It sounds fun.

00:28:49.000 That is fun.

00:28:50.000 So you're coloring for fun because you're a fucking child.

00:28:54.000 So?

00:28:55.000 I'm pure and innocent.

00:28:56.000 Yeah, that's not good.

00:28:57.000 Oh.

00:28:58.000 It's not good to be innocent when you're 29.

00:29:01.000 Well, when I need to be, I'm an adult, but when it comes to coloring, I mean, what better way is there to do it than with that of the eyes of a child?

00:29:06.000 With that of the eyes of a child!

00:29:09.000 With that of the eyes of a child.

00:29:13.000 Jiminy Glick meets Bill Schultz as an Adventure Time extra.

00:29:20.000 So I definitely have prejudice to people like that.

00:29:23.000 Flip-flops.

00:29:24.000 Anyone who infringes on others.

00:29:26.000 When you're wearing flip-flops, you're showing me your hairy toes.

00:29:29.000 I might be on my way to eat lunch.

00:29:31.000 So you're sticking your food in my eyes.

00:29:33.000 I mean your feet in my eyes.

00:29:34.000 Which is the same as sticking your feet in my food.

00:29:38.000 I don't want to see your bag.

00:29:39.000 I don't want to see your toes.

00:29:40.000 And I don't understand why you think you can just cut into someone's personal space when their space is already so limited.

00:29:48.000 So to answer your question, the pushing the chair back thing is for emergencies only.

00:29:53.000 Like, we all gotta sleep because we're going to Dubai.

00:29:57.000 Um, he also says that getting drunk before your flight and passing out on the plane works great.

00:30:01.000 Yes, I believe it turns all coach flights into first class.

00:30:09.000 Actually, it's better than that.

00:30:10.000 It's a time machine.

00:30:11.000 LA is perfect, too.

00:30:12.000 If you get an 11 p.m.

00:30:14.000 flight,

00:30:15.000 You and you just pound the makers down pound it down.

00:30:18.000 Then you sit down in your chair and some a woman starts tapping on the shoulder and you think that's unusual my seatbelts on and you realize she's tapping you on the shoulder because the plane is empty and you're in LA sir.

00:30:31.000 One time, Jay Johnson of Mr. Show fame, he took a Quaalude when he sat down, and closed his eyes for a second, and then he thought, okay, I'm gonna have a big super nap this whole plane ride.

00:30:46.000 Can I, I'm gonna order a beer too.

00:30:48.000 So he orders a beer, and the woman thinks, she was acting weird when he ordered the beer, and then he pops another Quaalude, so he's really gonna be out.

00:30:55.000 And then the plane lands in LA.

00:30:58.000 That first little blink was six hours.

00:31:02.000 So when he woke up, he didn't realize they were just about to land.

00:31:05.000 He ordered a beer, which is why she was looking at him weird.

00:31:08.000 And then he did a fucking Quaalude or a Xanax or something.

00:31:11.000 And so he lands with that sleeping pill and those beers in him.

00:31:16.000 So he had to drive home like that.

00:31:17.000 And he would just drive for a little bit, pull over, vomit into a paper bag, then get back on the road, pull over, vomit into a paper bag.

00:31:26.000 It's like my friend Brian was so shit-faced driving home that he passed out behind the wheel.

00:31:34.000 And that wasn't a problem with anyone else in the car because they had already passed out.

00:31:38.000 And the car went careening off the highway.

00:31:47.000 through a field and then just And just sat there idling as everyone slept and then maybe two hours later he woke up in the field And just drove Back to the road and they all got home and didn't realize that the drive home was five hours and went to bed And then the next day

00:32:10.000 His friend comes outside and goes, dude, someone vandalized your car last night.

00:32:16.000 And they go outside and they see that their front of their car had been bashed in.

00:32:21.000 And the strange part was the vandals left pieces of mud and grass in some of the cracks for some strange artistic reason.

00:32:30.000 And then slowly, you know how God hands you Polaroids the night after a blackout, and you see like some chick's tits, and you see you laughing, and then you see you fighting a guy, and you see you getting kicked out, and you're like, whoa, wow, these Polaroids look fun.

00:32:44.000 And God goes, dude, that was you.

00:32:46.000 That was last night, man.

00:32:50.000 All right, is this enough for this one?

00:32:53.000 Ryan's getting better.

00:32:54.000 He hits his stride early and does a good job.

00:32:57.000 Thank you.

00:32:58.000 But then he starts thinking too much.

00:33:03.000 That was perfect timing there.

00:33:05.000 You two should totally fight.

00:33:06.000 I'd love to see Donald Sutherland with AIDS beat up a minority.

00:33:09.000 That's hurtful to both of us.

00:33:12.000 Sorry for the wall of text.

00:33:13.000 I donate to DefendGavin.com.

00:33:15.000 Thank you very much for that.

00:33:16.000 We're at 167 now.

00:33:18.000 Let's get up to 170.

00:33:24.000 Ryan Gynup.

00:33:26.000 Very unfortunate last name, dude.

00:33:29.000 I bet your wife's gonna be bummed when you propose.

00:33:32.000 Well, he's a gynepcologist, to be fair.

00:33:35.000 What if she has a cool name like Alicia Lex?

00:33:38.000 And now it's Gynep.

00:33:40.000 And now she's Alicia Gynep.

00:33:42.000 Yes.

00:33:43.000 My wife was so happy when I proposed because her maiden name was Gendresac.

00:33:47.000 Jesus, I never knew that.

00:33:48.000 Yeah, that's Slovakian.

00:33:50.000 Is there one syllable in there?

00:33:52.000 I mean, one fucking vowel?

00:33:53.000 No, there's three.

00:33:54.000 Gen-dre-sac.

00:33:56.000 Is there one vowel?

00:33:57.000 Gendresac.

00:33:58.000 It sounds like a skin disease.

00:34:01.000 He had, first he had polyps and then he had shingles and then both of those combined ended up giving him really bad gender sack.

00:34:10.000 I had a lot of anxiety on the mat wrestling.

00:34:12.000 I found it helpful to save myself before every match.

00:34:14.000 Fuck it, I'm going to lose anyway.

00:34:16.000 After that, I started making great strides.

00:34:18.000 It helps take the pressure off.

00:34:19.000 Give it a try in the ring.

00:34:19.000 No, thank you.

00:34:21.000 I did try that.

00:34:22.000 And the problem, as I described earlier, boxing is like dancing with someone who has a taser.

00:34:27.000 And I do, I do try the Father Guido Sanducci.

00:34:33.000 Father Guido Sanducci, yeah.

00:34:35.000 Yeah, look him up.

00:34:36.000 I try to be him in the ring.

00:34:38.000 Hey, what you gonna do?

00:34:40.000 I'm a funny kind of a guy who's like a father who smokes pot and likes to hang out, you know?

00:34:46.000 A 1980s SNL guy.

00:34:47.000 Father Guido Sarducci.

00:34:49.000 Yeah, pull him up.

00:34:50.000 Let's hear him for a second.

00:34:50.000 I try to be Guido Sarducci, but then someone rings your bell!

00:34:56.000 Like some cop who's pissed off that you punched him.

00:34:58.000 Go ahead.

00:35:00.000 I think it don't matter where you go to school.

00:35:02.000 Italy, America, Brazil, it's all the same.

00:35:06.000 It's all just memorization.

00:35:08.000 And it don't matter how long you can remember anything, just so you can pair it back for the test.

00:35:14.000 And I got this idea for a school I would like to start.

00:35:17.000 Something called the Five Minute University.

00:35:21.000 Pretty much this whole thing is he never loses is cool?

00:35:23.000 Five minutes, you learn what the average college graduate remembers five years after he or she's out of school.

00:35:32.000 Yeah, he's just a good quality comedian who had a bit dressed up in a costume.

00:35:35.000 How would that help in the ring though?

00:35:37.000 Because he's a relaxed guy.

00:35:38.000 He's a cool guy.

00:35:39.000 Exactly, yeah.

00:35:39.000 Guido Sarducci doesn't freak out.

00:35:42.000 True.

00:35:42.000 He's in Casper.

00:35:44.000 He's a cool guy.

00:35:45.000 What are you doing now?

00:35:47.000 We don't want to go on a Guido Sarducci, do we?

00:35:49.000 Okay, what's this?

00:35:50.000 Is this Monty Python?

00:35:51.000 I have quite a bit of experience.

00:35:52.000 No, this is Casper the Movie from 95.

00:35:54.000 Exactly, doing it, but I've studied it.

00:35:57.000 And I talked to people who have done it.

00:35:59.000 I've seen the videos and I feel very confident that with my knowledge I could do it no problem.

00:36:06.000 Then you can handle this.

00:36:08.000 It's no problem.

00:36:09.000 It's like no problem whatsoever.

00:36:11.000 See?

00:36:11.000 No problem.

00:36:12.000 No problem whatsoever.

00:36:13.000 So the problem with that is you get your bell rung.

00:36:17.000 And another theory I have about boxing is Scotch-Irish DNA

00:36:23.000 We go, oh yeah, you got a fucking problem?

00:36:25.000 So, I don't know, there's something about us where we get punched and we get pissed.

00:36:29.000 And cops tend to be Scotch-Irish.

00:36:30.000 So we'll just start off going, hey, we're just gonna spar, not gonna hit, and then there'll be one unfortunate accident, like, pshh!

00:36:36.000 Then the guy will go, fucking pshh!

00:36:37.000 And the next thing you know, we're fighting.

00:36:41.000 Blacks and Hispanics seem better at just going, oh, all right, that was a punch.

00:36:46.000 Maybe because their moms hit them with a switch.

00:36:50.000 You know, that branch thing?

00:36:51.000 Yeah.

00:36:52.000 I don't know what it is.

00:36:53.000 There's actually been tests where they take people in the south and people in the north and they walk them down this hallway where there'd be little holes in the walls of the hallway and people go, fuck you.

00:37:04.000 What are you talking about?

00:37:07.000 What is that?

00:37:09.000 Hey asshole.

00:37:15.000 They would say, they would say.

00:37:17.000 Why are they so trepidatious?

00:37:18.000 Meanwhile, they're protected by a hole in the wall.

00:37:20.000 They're like, you're using my big words now.

00:37:21.000 Uh, I don't know.

00:37:23.000 It's got more impact.

00:37:25.000 Dick.

00:37:29.000 You're a fucking loser.

00:37:31.000 And apparently Northerners tend to just go, okay, that's a weird hallway.

00:37:36.000 But Southerners would be like, what the fuck you say?

00:37:38.000 Hey, who's in there?

00:37:40.000 Who the fuck's in there, boy?

00:37:42.000 And like looking in and putting their fingers in the hole and stuff, which could have been the whole Civil War.

00:37:47.000 The entire Civil War might have been them going, we're thinking about, uh, well, I don't know what we're actually not thinking about anything.

00:37:56.000 And then North goes, you can't have slaves anymore.

00:37:58.000 We don't have slaves.

00:37:59.000 Well, 2% of you do.

00:38:01.000 And they can't anymore.

00:38:02.000 You know what?

00:38:02.000 Fuck you.

00:38:03.000 Yes, they can.

00:38:05.000 Like, it could have been Lincoln saying, hey, from now on, we're gonna change the flag.

00:38:09.000 No, we're not, fuck you!

00:38:11.000 Actually, maybe they did do that, because it was the stars and bars, right?

00:38:13.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:38:14.000 They said, no, we're not doing that.

00:38:16.000 Like, you can't tell Southerners anything.

00:38:18.000 And I think it's because Southerners are Scotch-Irish.

00:38:22.000 Northerners are Protestant Germans.

00:38:24.000 Southerners are sort of like upstate New York and New York City.

00:38:27.000 There's disproportionately Scotch-Irish, and Scotch-Irish have that gene.

00:38:31.000 And if you don't believe me, check out Thomas Sowell's book,

00:38:35.000 Black, redneck, white, liberal.

00:38:37.000 Wherein he blames the whole ghetto culture on Scottish people.

00:38:41.000 You know, isn't that... there's a link between country music in Ireland and Scotland.

00:38:45.000 The instruments and the... I just found that out a couple years ago.

00:38:47.000 Is that... Do you know anything about that?

00:38:49.000 Well, they say that's what rock and roll is.

00:38:51.000 It's slave music.

00:38:52.000 It's because there were white slaves, not just indentured servants.

00:38:55.000 There was white cotton pickers.

00:38:57.000 They just would sunburn to death.

00:38:58.000 So they were worth less money than black slaves.

00:39:01.000 Sorry, guys.

00:39:03.000 Anyway, it's not a myth New York Times, but um After they were freed you had that you had the Irish rage on the guitar, which was a Celtic instrument, right?

00:39:13.000 Oh, yeah, and then so yeah It wasn't just a guy playing a little folk song like for a pair of brown eyes For it was like da-da-da-da-da-da-da that fucker had me in the fields then he had me in his house cha-cha-cha-cha-cha And then you had the

00:39:31.000 African beat bongos, boom, boom, ba-doom, ba-doom, ba-doom-doom, boom, ba-doom, ba-doom, ba-doom-doom.

00:39:37.000 Teenage Rebels, roo-roo-roo, hey, boom, ba-doom.

00:39:39.000 I'm doing the Stray Cats, but you get the original idea.

00:39:42.000 And so it was like, boom, ba-doom, ba-doom, ba-doom, and then...

00:39:50.000 So it's, fuck you, from the Irish and the Africans.

00:39:53.000 Wow.

00:39:54.000 Yeah.

00:39:54.000 That is really cool.

00:39:55.000 I could see that happening there, too.

00:39:56.000 It's like how when parents look like the kids, you're like, oh, I could see how that's your parents.

00:40:00.000 I'm done with this appropriation bullshit, too.

00:40:03.000 Rock and roll was stolen from the blues.

00:40:06.000 All culture is an amalgam.

00:40:07.000 Yeah.

00:40:07.000 There's no such thing as pure culture.

00:40:10.000 And you listen to music, even rap, the amount of white engineers that make those beats and the amount of white samples.

00:40:17.000 And, you know, fucking Jamaicans going, mother, she wrote every, every popular reggae song is just a rip off of a, of a seventies hit.

00:40:27.000 Or, you know, you got fucking what?

00:40:29.000 Janet Jackson saying, you don't know what you got till it's gone.

00:40:33.000 All they do is sample.

00:40:35.000 Anyway, sorry.

00:40:37.000 Shashar Ohayon.

00:40:39.000 Bless you.

00:40:41.000 He says, I was having a conversation with this guy about a one to 10 scale of girls.

00:40:45.000 During the conversation, he told me that he was once with a one.

00:40:48.000 That seems a bit odd, given he was young and successful, blah, blah, blah.

00:40:53.000 So I asked if she was handicapped?

00:40:54.000 No.

00:40:55.000 Was she obese?

00:40:55.000 No.

00:40:56.000 Was she 10 years younger or 10 years older?

00:40:57.000 No, no, no.

00:40:59.000 This brought me to the conclusion that this guy does not know what a one is.

00:41:02.000 And this is, anyway, he goes on about this.

00:41:05.000 Four is for old and young people.

00:41:08.000 We could do a whole podcast about this.

00:41:10.000 Maybe we will.

00:41:12.000 But I love rating chicks.

00:41:16.000 And the thing I love about it is it appears to be an art.

00:41:19.000 And then the more you delve into it, it becomes a science.

00:41:23.000 And then the more you delve into it, it becomes an art again.

00:41:26.000 And if, HotOrNot.com I think is a dating site now, but it used to be a site that would just show a picture and you would rate them.

00:41:33.000 And it would show my face and 350,000 people would call me a 6.9.

00:41:38.000 You know why?

00:41:39.000 Why?

00:41:40.000 Because I'm a 6.9.

00:41:41.000 Huh.

00:41:42.000 It's just a fact.

00:41:44.000 And now I would expand the art form.

00:41:47.000 I would say there's two ways.

00:41:49.000 You should have two numbers.

00:41:50.000 One is if you're just flipping through an 8x10, a book of 8x10s.

00:41:56.000 And you'd see Danny DeVito, and you'd go, he's a three?

00:41:59.000 And you just keep going like that, you know?

00:42:03.000 But the other one is the whole context of their whole life.

00:42:06.000 Now Danny DeVito's funny, popular, rich, and famous.

00:42:10.000 He could probably get a 6.5.

00:42:11.000 I'd say so, yeah.

00:42:13.000 Believe it or not.

00:42:13.000 Maybe even a seven.

00:42:15.000 He's an icon with the whole... He's an icon.

00:42:17.000 Even with the younger generation, yeah, I know, too.

00:42:19.000 I think he could find that one hot chick who's kind of blind.

00:42:23.000 Either metaphorically or literally.

00:42:26.000 And if you can get a 7, you're kind of a 7 then.

00:42:29.000 Yeah, he's a sweetheart, too.

00:42:30.000 Oh, he's a sweetie.

00:42:31.000 Yeah, he's a sweetie.

00:42:35.000 So, then you get into what is a 1?

00:42:37.000 Like a burn victim?

00:42:39.000 Is a woman who's 116 a 1, with her tits hanging down below her waist?

00:42:43.000 And then you say, well, what's the bell curve?

00:42:47.000 Now, I can't mathematically prove this.

00:42:50.000 I can only go with my guts.

00:42:52.000 And my guts say that you should see a 10 once a year.

00:43:01.000 You should also see a 1 once a year.

00:43:04.000 You should see a five thousands of times a year.

00:43:08.000 So there's the, your bell curve, right?

00:43:11.000 Four is pretty common.

00:43:12.000 Six is common.

00:43:14.000 Nine.

00:43:14.000 How many times should you see a nine a year?

00:43:15.000 I'm going to say four.

00:43:18.000 How many times should you see an eight?

00:43:20.000 A lot of times there's a big jump there.

00:43:21.000 It's not a perfect bell.

00:43:23.000 I think you probably see 220 eights a year.

00:43:26.000 No, that's almost one a day.

00:43:28.000 That's crazy.

00:43:28.000 I'm going to say a hundred eights a year.

00:43:31.000 And so on and so on.

00:43:33.000 Now, what about burn victims?

00:43:34.000 What about 95-year-olds?

00:43:37.000 They're not on this.

00:43:39.000 You have to be sexually viable.

00:43:41.000 So, you have to be between the ages of whatever is legal in that state, and the oldest fuckable woman is 65.

00:43:49.000 Would you agree with that?

00:43:51.000 Oh, that's fucking crazy.

00:43:54.000 If, yeah, if I'm 65, then my wife, who's around my same age, then sure.

00:43:59.000 Or if I'm 75 and... I think when you two are 75, you're off the books.

00:44:03.000 We're not talking about you anymore.

00:44:05.000 Oh.

00:44:05.000 You're not a part of the 0-10.

00:44:06.000 Like, no one calls a 7-year-old an 8.

00:44:10.000 Calling a 7-year-old an 8 is as absurd as calling...

00:44:16.000 An 85-year-old at four.

00:44:17.000 Oh, she's totally not hot.

00:44:19.000 Yeah, she's not trying to fuck you, dude.

00:44:20.000 She's not trying to fuck anything.

00:44:22.000 So, yeah, and then also, burn victims and like, handicapped people, sorry guys, you're not on the chart.

00:44:28.000 Well, this burn victim, I saw Jon Taffer, the- Shut it down!

00:44:32.000 That guy?

00:44:33.000 He has a podcast where he interviewed this, uh, Marine former- Yeah, he's a friend of mine.

00:44:37.000 I've had him on the show many times, you reet.

00:44:39.000 I don't know, but he's, you know, just hearing him talk, he's just like a normal guy, and you could see he's a human in there.

00:44:44.000 That guy's a whatever.

00:44:46.000 He's on the scales.

00:44:46.000 I had him on- I had that burn victim on my show, and we raided chicks.

00:44:50.000 Oh, that's funny.

00:44:51.000 But he didn't really like the joke.

00:44:52.000 No?

00:44:53.000 After a while, he goes, I'm not, who am I to say this?

00:44:55.000 I'm a fucking burn victim.

00:44:56.000 Do you know his name?

00:44:56.000 Uh, no, I forget his name.

00:44:58.000 I'll figure it out.

00:44:59.000 But he goes, who am I to write?

00:45:01.000 He has all these jokes about like, based on when you go black, you never go back.

00:45:05.000 And he's like, once you go cooked, you're tooked or something like that.

00:45:09.000 Yeah, that's funny.

00:45:11.000 I forget it.

00:45:11.000 I'm not doing it justice, but he's, he's a, he's a standup comedian.

00:45:15.000 Oh shit.

00:45:16.000 All right, so yes, thank you for your letter.

00:45:18.000 We should, well, that's a very visual thing, though, to do a one to 10.

00:45:22.000 We'll do that when I get the...

00:45:24.000 The show back, which should be June 1st, by the way.

00:45:27.000 Dylan Schwarty, would you consider doing History of Punk?

00:45:30.000 Yes, I'll do a big green screen thing with visuals and stuff.

00:45:33.000 Epyx has this History of Punk thing out, and I've noticed Americans do this much more than Brits.

00:45:38.000 They start lumping in the B-52s and the Talking Heads and even Blondie.

00:45:44.000 Blondie's not punk, sorry.

00:45:46.000 CBGB's, that scene was art rock.

00:45:51.000 It was not punk.

00:45:53.000 The Ramones were punk, yes, by accident.

00:45:56.000 They were trying to do rockabilly and they tripped.

00:45:59.000 But besides maybe Richard Hell and the Voidoids and the kid with the replaceable head, the New York punk scene went from art rock to new wave and had very little actual punk bands.

00:46:14.000 There was the Dead Boys.

00:46:16.000 America, American punk is really hardcore.

00:46:19.000 And that was more in the 80s, and that was Minor Threat and Bad Brains and all that stuff.

00:46:23.000 And it was classically American.

00:46:25.000 I think it was, what's his name from Minor Threat?

00:46:30.000 Brian something?

00:46:31.000 The guitarist?

00:46:34.000 Yeah, Brian Catsy Rivera, the guitarist from Minor Threat.

00:46:40.000 Oh, I have to pull up his name.

00:46:42.000 He said, hardcore was American punk.

00:46:45.000 We stripped it down.

00:46:46.000 Brian Baker, that was it.

00:46:48.000 We stripped it down.

00:46:49.000 We made it faster, more efficient.

00:46:51.000 We cut off all the frills, shaved heads, no pink and purple mohawks, no tartan bondage pants.

00:46:58.000 And we just made it efficient.

00:46:59.000 Same with like the word color.

00:47:01.000 They took out the U and they made it C-O-L-O-R.

00:47:03.000 Americans are great at just like getting the grit, the bare bones of something.

00:47:09.000 They're not into frills.

00:47:10.000 I appreciate that.

00:47:12.000 But it's not punk.

00:47:12.000 Punk is very frilly.

00:47:16.000 Andrew Capistrano.

00:47:17.000 Dear Gavin and Ryan, just FYI, Japan, Japan, not only didn't care about Jews, much less help kill them, individual, by the way, he's talking about a previous episode where we said, when Japan hooked up with the Nazis, how did they feel about the Jew thing?

00:47:32.000 Individual Japanese and the Imperial Japanese government facilitated the protection of Jews in occupied Shanghai against German requests for deportation.

00:47:40.000 Were those Japanese Jews?

00:47:43.000 What?

00:47:43.000 Jewish American princesses?

00:47:46.000 Dude, did we read this on the podcast or did I read this off air and you said we'll get to it on the podcast?

00:47:50.000 I don't know.

00:47:52.000 But this was interesting.

00:47:53.000 But what Jews?

00:47:54.000 You're in Japan and now Japan's occupied Shanghai.

00:47:58.000 I still don't see any Jews.

00:48:00.000 There was Japanese Jews in the 40s?

00:48:04.000 There was probably three white people living in Japan at the time.

00:48:08.000 Anyway.

00:48:09.000 Given them transit visas through Japan, they're actually Jewish refugees from Europe who died in the American bombings of Japanese cities.

00:48:15.000 So he's saying not only did they refuse to kill Jews, but they actually housed them to the point where they got killed.

00:48:23.000 As collateral damage.

00:48:25.000 Yeah, the Jewish refugee community of Shanghai.

00:48:27.000 So that's Shanghai, China.

00:48:28.000 So I guess they were in Asia.

00:48:29.000 I bet that was fun.

00:48:31.000 Being a Jew, a Jap in a Jap land?

00:48:34.000 Yeah, I bet it.

00:48:34.000 I bet that time was a lot of dancing and drinking and yeah, partying.

00:48:39.000 People thought they're going to die anyway, but there's a lot of fornicating.

00:48:42.000 Oh, probably.

00:48:46.000 Jews in their culture are by far one of the most minor ethnic religious groups in Japan, presently consisting only from 300 to 2,000 people, or about 0.0016%.

00:48:53.000 This is 2019.

00:48:53.000 Total population.

00:48:54.000 That's now.

00:49:02.000 I'm talking about half a century ago.

00:49:04.000 Yeah, so it's probably, you know... Also, I hate when stats say 300 to 2,000.

00:49:08.000 In other words, you don't know.

00:49:09.000 When your margin of error is that high, and the second number is almost 10 times the first number, 7 times the first number, then you don't know the number.

00:49:21.000 My net worth is anywhere between $10 and $10 billion, but I'm a very successful person.

00:49:28.000 Anyway, he's got a bunch of links there, big fan of the show, blah blah blah.

00:49:33.000 And finally, it would also be remiss for me not to mention...

00:49:39.000 I would be remiss if I were not to mention, you should have said, that Ryan has his own contribution in the show.

00:49:43.000 He's useful because he provides a nice real-time illustration of Millennials and their level of education.

00:49:47.000 I'm not sure that's a compliment.

00:49:48.000 No, it's not.

00:49:48.000 So don't give too much credit to the anterior factor of your audience.

00:49:52.000 My wife thinks he's lovable, but she's Japanese.

00:49:54.000 Okay, can we say something racist, please?

00:49:58.000 Please.

00:49:59.000 When you see a guy with a Japanese wife, an Asian wife, don't you think... They just gave up, is what you think?

00:50:05.000 He's kind of like a pussy.

00:50:08.000 Like you go, Oh, you just cheated.

00:50:11.000 It's like you read the Coles notes or something or the crib notes.

00:50:14.000 It's like you took the easy way out.

00:50:16.000 Oh, okay.

00:50:16.000 It's sort of like when you see a guy with a super short wife, you go, Oh, okay.

00:50:21.000 All right.

00:50:22.000 You couldn't handle a five footer.

00:50:24.000 He couldn't handle a big gal?

00:50:26.000 Kind of a pussy?

00:50:28.000 I'm sorry.

00:50:29.000 That's just the way it is.

00:50:29.000 And it's based on the fact that any ugly nerd can go to Asia and get a 7 or an 8 and bring her home.

00:50:35.000 That's who takes our America's gingers.

00:50:38.000 That's who gets gingers laid.

00:50:40.000 Well, the number of Jews who hook up with Asians is making them look bad.

00:50:46.000 You know, you gotta be... You gotta try harder, guys.

00:50:51.000 Not that I haven't had...

00:50:53.000 Mountains of rice balls in my past.

00:50:57.000 I got in a lot of trouble for using the word rice balls.

00:50:58.000 Obviously no one's serious when they say rice balls, dumbasses.

00:51:03.000 I gotta say, lefties, you really are making yourselves look like boring killjoys when you purposely ignore jokes and start screaming, he said rice balls, he said rice balls, like the guy was fucking serious.

00:51:16.000 Can you even imagine a guy going, these fucking Rossballs coming in here?

00:51:20.000 Fucking go back home, Rossballs.

00:51:23.000 It's like the 10 things I hate about the Jews video I did that I keep mentioning, because it's in Jill Abramson's book too.

00:51:29.000 But she calls it 10 reasons I hate Jews.

00:51:32.000 That's the Jill touch.

00:51:35.000 So Gavin goes to Israel with Ezra Levant, a self-professed Zionist.

00:51:40.000 They do all these pro-Israel videos, but

00:51:44.000 One of the employees decides to make an anti-Semitic video while he's there, and they happily publish it.

00:51:50.000 That doesn't sound unusual to you?

00:51:54.000 It's not unusual to be... Alright, this is from a guy who hid his name in Arabic script.

00:52:01.000 I'm an active-duty Green Beret.

00:52:03.000 I have shed blood and sweat in combat with my brothers.

00:52:08.000 Yet,

00:52:09.000 I have never felt the camaraderie like I had when you described your issues with your anus.

00:52:14.000 I always assumed I was fucked up for my years eating shitty third-world food.

00:52:18.000 Now I know I am not alone.

00:52:19.000 Mr. Green Beret out there, I had a shower yesterday at 8 p.m.

00:52:25.000 I had underdressed during the day and I had a chill in my bones and I highly recommend if you have this to avoid getting sick, go have a hot shower and just get the blood circulating and just warm those bones again.

00:52:35.000 I remember when we used to do commercials, we would freeze to death outside all day and you'd come home and it was like being in Britain.

00:52:43.000 You just have this cold you couldn't shake.

00:52:45.000 Hot showers way out of that.

00:52:46.000 Anyway, I had a hot shower.

00:52:47.000 Obviously, I scrubbed my butthole.

00:52:50.000 Cleaned out the foreskin.

00:52:51.000 I was ready for any kind of sexual advance my wife was willing to make.

00:52:56.000 Even if she wanted to try something new, I was perfectly confident you can go anywhere.

00:53:00.000 And I had an itchy anus.

00:53:02.000 No shitting.

00:53:03.000 I had an itchy anus maybe 20 minutes later.

00:53:07.000 Now I assume the itch is based on some sort of excrement leaking out.

00:53:11.000 Nothing visible to the naked eye.

00:53:13.000 Jesus.

00:53:14.000 But a few molecules mixed with sweat.

00:53:17.000 And the next thing you know your anal lips are corroding.

00:53:20.000 And I don't have hemorrhoids.

00:53:22.000 I had some nurse send me a letter saying, yeah, what's happening is your giant shits are ripping your asshole apart.

00:53:30.000 Now that's, we got a lot going on there.

00:53:32.000 We have a woman in the year 2019 where they know everything and also we have a nurse and nurses think they're better than everyone and they know everything.

00:53:41.000 And they say dumb shit, like I heard a nurse on Howard Stern the other day go, yeah, circumcision doesn't hurt the baby because what we do is we give it sugar and sugar's like a painkiller.

00:53:50.000 What?

00:53:51.000 And then Howard Stern, God bless his cotton socks, with his non-foreskin, managed to say, well then why does a baby scream its fucking head off if it's so sedated by that sugar cube?

00:54:02.000 What a load of shit.

00:54:04.000 Circumcision is depraved.

00:54:06.000 I assume you're circumcised, right?

00:54:08.000 Yep.

00:54:09.000 You have stupid parents.

00:54:10.000 Wow, that was gross.

00:54:13.000 But yeah, this nurse said your giant shits are ripping your ass.

00:54:16.000 She just assumed I have giant logs because I'm an alcoholic.

00:54:18.000 But no, I'm a level of alcoholic where it's just explosive diarrhea every time.

00:54:23.000 Like, we wake up and have 32 shits.

00:54:25.000 Although since Lent, I've only been drinking beer, so I'm not an alcoholic anymore.

00:54:30.000 And it's still a mess.

00:54:31.000 So no, nursey pants.

00:54:33.000 It's not the booze, and it's not a hemorrhoid.

00:54:36.000 It's a curse.

00:54:38.000 You know, my uncle was a closeted homo who died

00:54:42.000 Of shame.

00:54:43.000 And never told anyone.

00:54:44.000 We found out- I always suspected it and I vocalized it a few times.

00:54:46.000 I said to my grandmother, whom he lived with, I said, it's okay to be gay.

00:54:51.000 Just tell him to fucking party.

00:54:52.000 No one cares anymore.

00:54:53.000 It's not the 50s.

00:54:55.000 And then we saw these pictures of him on vacation in San Francisco with like a yellow shirt on and a strawberry martini, boys.

00:55:03.000 Which is probably not considered gay anymore.

00:55:06.000 Um, so maybe that's why I'm being punished?

00:55:09.000 The curse of Strachan!

00:55:11.000 All right, I'll read your letter.

00:55:15.000 Say what?

00:55:16.000 All right, this is from Tommy Brawley.

00:55:18.000 I need your opinion on something.

00:55:19.000 Probably should tell anyone listening with kids around to either turn down or tell the kids to piss off.

00:55:24.000 Okay, kids, you hear that?

00:55:26.000 If you're listening to this in your car, which you shouldn't, this is not, this podcast is for maybe 13 and up.

00:55:33.000 And I'm not even positive about 13.

00:55:36.000 But if you have kids younger than 13 hearing this, you're a shitty parent.

00:55:42.000 But get rid of them for now.

00:55:43.000 Okay, good.

00:55:43.000 Ready?

00:55:44.000 My daughter is 10 and still believes in Santa Claus.

00:55:47.000 I feel good about keeping it going for so long, but is it time to spill the beans?

00:55:51.000 13?

00:55:52.000 No, 10.

00:55:52.000 Oh.

00:55:53.000 I don't want her finding out at the lunch table in school in front of 20 other kids who start ripping her for it.

00:55:58.000 Kids can be ruthless.

00:56:00.000 Thoughts?

00:56:00.000 And then he adds, I like your new sunglasses!

00:56:05.000 Ugh.

00:56:06.000 Every time I hear that, I go back to that morning, and I see his face, and I see the fact that a junkie on heroin think- I hate this the most about junkies, besides the part where they die.

00:56:18.000 I hate- ooh, that was spooky.

00:56:20.000 I hate that they think we don't know they're on heroin.

00:56:24.000 And they think we're just seeing a guy who likes his girlfriend's new sunglasses just fixing his Hello Kitty coffee maker while she goes to get butter.

00:56:32.000 Everything's normal!

00:56:34.000 Hey!

00:56:34.000 We're just having fun.

00:56:35.000 We're in a sitcom.

00:56:36.000 I like your new sunglasses.

00:56:42.000 Not only do we know you're a junkie, you ruined this stupid gay party, which was your idea, by the way.

00:56:46.000 I never heard of a breakfast party before.

00:56:48.000 But we came over because you made it sound like it was going to be awesome!

00:56:54.000 Um, this is a tough one.

00:56:56.000 Because I've always said, your goal as a parent is for your kids to not know about sex, 9-11, race, and when I say race, I mean they don't know what a black person is.

00:57:09.000 Like my, my middle son had a lot of black friends when we lived in Brooklyn and he goes, it's weird how all my friends have black skin.

00:57:17.000 Like he didn't know what a black guy was.

00:57:18.000 He just noticed his friends were darker.

00:57:20.000 That's your goal.

00:57:22.000 I don't want them to know that there's racism and there's not racism and there's black and there's, they just should think one friend has squinty eyes and the other friend is dark skin and very, very curly hair.

00:57:31.000 Yeah, it's like when you eat pistachios and one of them, like, is a little, like, different.

00:57:36.000 You're just like, alright, it's still a pistachio.

00:57:38.000 That's your goal.

00:57:38.000 Exactly.

00:57:39.000 It's not a fucking, it's not called a begralter or something weird.

00:57:42.000 The fourth one, I think, is Santa.

00:57:45.000 But ten, like, I haven't, we haven't discussed it.

00:57:48.000 My youngest six-year-old obviously still believes in Santa.

00:57:51.000 But I'll never forget, I used to dress up guys in Santa suits back when I was a better parent.

00:57:55.000 You get worse as each kid comes out.

00:57:58.000 And when I was a really good parent, I'd pay a guy, a neighbor, to come by in a Santa suit.

00:58:03.000 And then, I'd be drunk, of course, on December 24th, because I'm finally seeing my brother and stuff.

00:58:07.000 We're partying.

00:58:08.000 We took pictures of him.

00:58:09.000 And my daughter, she must have been 10 at the time.

00:58:12.000 Or maybe 9.

00:58:14.000 And she said, how'd you get those pictures?

00:58:15.000 Because they were really close up.

00:58:17.000 And I think he was facing me or something.

00:58:19.000 Stupid.

00:58:21.000 And I go, oh, he let me take them.

00:58:23.000 And then she looks at me and she goes, and does one of those like fart faces things.

00:58:30.000 Like that's bullshit.

00:58:32.000 And I realized, Oh, I just pushed it a little too far.

00:58:36.000 But I think the attitude with my two oldest kids is, let's not rock the boat.

00:58:41.000 This guy seems to talk about a Santa.

00:58:43.000 I don't know what the fuck he's talking about.

00:58:45.000 But then presents show up.

00:58:47.000 And if he wants to pretend they came from a magical guy, sure.

00:58:50.000 I'm not going to say no.

00:58:51.000 I will tell you another thing, kind of unrelated.

00:58:54.000 I think presents are over.

00:58:56.000 Kids only care about screens now.

00:58:58.000 They care about their iPad.

00:58:59.000 They care about YouTube videos and watching people play video games and then playing video games.

00:59:03.000 But these past couple, I remember the first Christmas when my daughter was two, 10 years ago, it was presents, presents, presents.

00:59:12.000 This, this Christmas, last Christmas, they were all on their screens, maybe at 11 a.m.

00:59:18.000 And some presents weren't even unwrapped.

00:59:21.000 Sheesh.

00:59:22.000 I hereby predict future Christmases are going to become Roblox bucks or whatever they're called and coupons for Fortnite skins and no actual, you're gonna start seeing a lot of toy stores go under.

00:59:35.000 That's fucking sick.

00:59:37.000 Even my son, his first baby tooth fell out this morning and I said what are you gonna want for that?

00:59:41.000 Roblox blocks?

00:59:43.000 Like we're going to the phone booth or something.

00:59:45.000 That's a bummer.

00:59:46.000 Mini-golf.

00:59:46.000 That should still be exciting.

01:00:03.000 Yeah, he's really good at mini golf, but he takes these epic suck attacks when he doesn't get a hole-in-one or a hole-in-three, and then starts whipping stuff, and it's not pretty.

01:00:14.000 You know, my thing about Santa is, like, when they realize that you've been lying to them, even though it's a pleasant lie, they might not believe in Jesus anymore, so I'm gonna be careful with my Santa shit.

01:00:26.000 I don't know what you're talking about, but okay.

01:00:27.000 Here's one from a correctional officer.

01:00:29.000 Hey, Gavin, love the show, blah, blah, blah.

01:00:31.000 Mailbag is awesome, don't listen to the haters, blah, blah, blah.

01:00:33.000 I wanted to say your correctional officer analogy with the kids is perfect.

01:00:37.000 I'm a career CEO.

01:00:38.000 By the way, you know what's funny about where I had a place in the Catskills for a while?

01:00:43.000 Upstate New York.

01:00:44.000 There's no jobs there.

01:00:46.000 The only jobs are to be a criminal and to be a corrections officer.

01:00:49.000 And when you're at a restaurant and there's a CEO there, he's kind of treated like a rock star.

01:00:56.000 Because he's the only guy with a solid salary in the entire area.

01:01:01.000 So they're like, oh, Mr. Wilkinson, can I get you anything else?

01:01:04.000 And they serve him first.

01:01:05.000 And he's got his sort of his serviette tucked into his dress shirt and eating like a king.

01:01:10.000 And he's going to leave a huge tip.

01:01:12.000 They're like the Mac daddies of the Catskills.

01:01:18.000 I run my house the same way, except

01:01:21.000 In a prison, the inmates call us names all day, every day, and we can't technically do anything about it due to the increasingly PC-ness of CO profession.

01:01:31.000 We are basically underpaid babysitters who are guests in the prison with no real authority anymore.

01:01:37.000 I talked to an old CO when I was visiting my parents in Florida, I mean retired, and he goes, yeah, I quit after you couldn't beat them up anymore.

01:01:45.000 I mean, it's not a matter of just reckless violence.

01:01:48.000 It was the only language they understood.

01:01:50.000 And so someone would get fucking mouthy or get threatening and you'd beat them up.

01:01:54.000 That'd be the end.

01:01:55.000 Now they sue you.

01:01:56.000 They can throw shit at you and piss.

01:01:58.000 And you can't fight back and they just take advantage of you.

01:02:01.000 You're a fucking loser basically now.

01:02:03.000 You're just a victim.

01:02:05.000 I'm not calling this guy a loser.

01:02:07.000 Although I always find a way to show them who's boss.

01:02:10.000 This is not a regular practice by most COs.

01:02:12.000 And the idea of the rough and tough CO is dead.

01:02:15.000 Like you more than a friend, P.S.

01:02:16.000 Ryan should only do impressions.

01:02:19.000 Ah, dude, it's brutal.

01:02:23.000 Okay, from now for the rest of this podcast, how long are we going?

01:02:26.000 We're going way too long here, right?

01:02:27.000 We're like an hour and two minutes.

01:02:29.000 Oh, good.

01:02:30.000 We have about 20 minutes left.

01:02:31.000 From now on, you may only do people.

01:02:36.000 Gavin, please continue to let Ryan chime in.

01:02:40.000 It's the only time I don't feel bad about laughing at a genuinely retarded person.

01:02:45.000 Then he's got a bunch of fluback jokes, which we are ignoring.

01:02:49.000 Oh, here's the nurse talking about my butthole.

01:02:51.000 It's a male nurse!

01:02:52.000 Nice.

01:02:54.000 Dude.

01:02:56.000 What are the three worst things a heterosexual man can be?

01:02:59.000 A stay-at-home dad, a male nurse, and a flight attendant.

01:03:04.000 When I see a straight male flight attendant, I just assume that he just got out of jail after a DOI where he killed a kid.

01:03:12.000 And he has no custody of his kids after the divorce, and he's just there paying his child support, trying to get his life back together.

01:03:19.000 Hasn't had a drink in over 914 days and 6 hours.

01:03:25.000 And he's looking forward to having his big cake after his 950th day.

01:03:31.000 That's what we think of when we see healthy young men.

01:03:34.000 As Anthony Cumia put it, don't you want to drive the plane?

01:03:38.000 Why are you serving people shitty snacks?

01:03:40.000 A bartender is a cool guy.

01:03:41.000 A bartender is a lazy dude with no ambition who just wants to hang and no one disrespects a bartender.

01:03:46.000 You can do that your entire life.

01:03:48.000 I'm probably going to do it.

01:03:49.000 That's how I'll end my life as a bartender.

01:03:51.000 It's a noble profession.

01:03:53.000 Because you're not just serving drinks.

01:03:55.000 You're a therapist.

01:03:56.000 You're keeping the conversation going.

01:03:58.000 You're adding to the mood of the room.

01:04:01.000 It's a wonderful job.

01:04:04.000 A waitress in the sky, as the replacements put it.

01:04:07.000 You're bringing a dumb, cheap, shitty little popcorn snack and our one beer.

01:04:13.000 We're allotted every hour.

01:04:15.000 Every time I'm on a plane with people like my wife, I go, she'll have a double Woodford Reserve and a Bud and I'll have the same.

01:04:23.000 So now I have two, four, five, ten drinks.

01:04:29.000 And then she's like, can I also have some Sprite?

01:04:32.000 What?

01:04:33.000 Jesus, this lady's thirsty.

01:04:35.000 What is going on with her?

01:04:37.000 Those drinks aren't for me.

01:04:38.000 Oh, OK.

01:04:40.000 Honey.

01:04:41.000 Now she's a big kidder, ma'am.

01:04:43.000 Or sir, in this case, you fucking male flight attendant.

01:04:46.000 And I know I'm going to get mail going, actually, I'm a mail flight attendant, and we get to bang chicks all over the world, and it's really cool, and we get cheap flights, and we're kind of like the new rock stars of the sky, dude, yeah, we fucking, we fuck stewardesses, and we're really cool.

01:05:04.000 No, you're not.

01:05:05.000 You suck.

01:05:06.000 And you have your hair done at a salon instead of a barber, which is our first indication that you are not part of the club called Real Men.

01:05:15.000 This is from Louise Sheehan.

01:05:19.000 So, all your talk about bleeding assholes reminded me of my very Glaswegian dad.

01:05:22.000 He had to have a colonoscopy because he had the same problem.

01:05:25.000 Turned out he had a lot of stomach polyps that was causing it.

01:05:28.000 Kelts are more prone to this and more prone to bowel cancer, so get them checked.

01:05:31.000 I will.

01:05:31.000 Thank you very much, Louise.

01:05:32.000 I will do the whole colonoscopy.

01:05:34.000 I hear they knock you out, though, which is too bad, because it's guilt-free anal probing.

01:05:38.000 But, um... That's a good... I know this isn't your theory, but it does lead me to a good theory.

01:05:44.000 Scotland had no food, ever.

01:05:47.000 They had a boiling pot in their stupid little mud hut and if you found a root or a goat eye or something you'd throw it in the pot.

01:05:54.000 So they had a perpetual stew that was just bubbling away 24 hours a day and whenever you were hungry you'd take your wood ladle and slop it into a pot and eat whatever the fuck was there.

01:06:06.000 There might have been a piece of meat in there that's 32 years old.

01:06:10.000 The one you just never got scooped.

01:06:12.000 Like it was it was in a nook.

01:06:15.000 Anuk is actually the Inuit word for rotten goateye.

01:06:19.000 Um, so all of our food was boiled to death and we have weak stomachs.

01:06:25.000 And then we come to North America where we're having the fricking chicken and spicy burritos with jalapenos on it and banana pepper pizza and all this crazy shit.

01:06:37.000 And our Scottish stomachs just can't handle it.

01:06:39.000 That might be why.

01:06:41.000 I'm chronically explosive diarrhea-ing, and that might be why my anus is that of a 75-year-old gay man.

01:06:48.000 My mom, ooh, she must be Canadian.

01:06:50.000 My mom says that when he got his results, the doctor told me to lay off the drink for a while.

01:06:53.000 My dad did not like this and tried to argue with the doctor.

01:06:57.000 My dad's a bricklayer and has no medical training.

01:06:59.000 The doctor pressed on to which my dad replied, so you both want me to sit in a pub with a Diet Coke and look like a cunt?

01:07:07.000 Which pretty much sums up the Scottish mentality.

01:07:10.000 Uh, she also adds... Wait, is Louise... I don't even know anymore.

01:07:14.000 That's a female name, right?

01:07:15.000 How's it spelled?

01:07:16.000 L-O-U-I-S-E.

01:07:19.000 I don't know.

01:07:19.000 That can go either way.

01:07:20.000 That would suck to have a chick name, man.

01:07:23.000 Leslie.

01:07:24.000 Imagine your name was Leslie Katsu Rivera.

01:07:27.000 Oof.

01:07:28.000 You're already such a pussy.

01:07:30.000 You're already like Tina Turner.

01:07:31.000 You already play video games.

01:07:33.000 I know!

01:07:34.000 You already...

01:07:36.000 You already have stuffed animals.

01:07:40.000 Here's how lowly I think of you, Ryan.

01:07:43.000 If I came into your room and saw you had a stuffed animal, I wouldn't be remotely surprised.

01:07:47.000 Huh.

01:07:48.000 Like if you had a curious George that you slept with, I'd go, yeah, fucking curious George right next to his pillow.

01:07:54.000 God damn it.

01:07:55.000 It would be all sort of tea stained and old because you've had it for 29 years.

01:08:01.000 Do you have stuffed animals back at your grandparents' house?

01:08:04.000 Uh, I have a monkey named Charleston.

01:08:06.000 He's a puppet.

01:08:06.000 Holy shit, I'm psychic!

01:08:08.000 I don't hang out with him, stoopy.

01:08:10.000 Where is he?

01:08:11.000 He's fucking in my room that I don't even stay in.

01:08:14.000 Like, there's a room upstairs.

01:08:15.000 Oh, that's cool.

01:08:15.000 I like how you're trying to make yourself sound cool.

01:08:17.000 He's not even near my motorbike.

01:08:20.000 He's in, like, my loser room that I sometimes crash in if I'm super wasted.

01:08:26.000 The place we're crying is okay.

01:08:30.000 Hey, I said you can only talk as a guy.

01:08:32.000 Dude, if my name was Leslie Katsu Rivera, the only time you would be able to read that is on my headstone.

01:08:38.000 Because I'd be fucking dead, dude.

01:08:42.000 So the topic also reminded me of a theory that Grindr should be banned.

01:08:46.000 And I'm interested to know what Ryan thinks of it.

01:08:49.000 What the fuck does that mean?

01:08:51.000 Well, I'm not single.

01:08:53.000 I got married, I got monogamous way after all these apps came out.

01:08:57.000 I never had a dating app ever.

01:09:01.000 Every time I see someone's dating app, I just keep going, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, sure, we can work something out, sure, not more than once or twice, but yep, yep, oh yeah, oh sure, yes, yes, yes.

01:09:13.000 They're very rarely, they all seem like fiving up.

01:09:17.000 And sixes are my bread and butter.

01:09:19.000 Anyway.

01:09:20.000 Bud and breader.

01:09:22.000 I'm glad you interrupted to say that.

01:09:25.000 That was interesting.

01:09:26.000 Well, I wouldn't know.

01:09:28.000 Why would you just do that?

01:09:29.000 You just... Because that eliminates me from the... No, no.

01:09:31.000 I'm talking about bread and butter.

01:09:33.000 Oh, bud and breader.

01:09:34.000 Yeah.

01:09:34.000 Why'd you do that?

01:09:36.000 I don't know.

01:09:36.000 Shut up.

01:09:38.000 This is... We got a letter where someone said, Brian isn't the worst, but just please think before you open your mouth.

01:09:43.000 It's true.

01:09:45.000 So a while back I was working at a pub with a gay guy and one day on shift he asked me if I had a spare sanitary towel.

01:09:51.000 I asked him why.

01:09:51.000 This is a tampon or a maxi pad, whatever.

01:09:55.000 I asked him why and he said he needed one because he had a rough session with a guy last night.

01:09:59.000 Of course he'd been on Grindr.

01:10:00.000 He then admitted that he had used sanitary towels before because of this.

01:10:04.000 So his anus is bleeding.

01:10:06.000 Further on in the conversation he admitted that he thought he might be addicted to Grindr and it got me thinking, should these apps be banned?

01:10:13.000 I personally know of two guys who have caught HIV using Grindr and I've heard of cases where girls have been spiked, assaulted whilst on Tinder dates.

01:10:20.000 There's also been a couple of Muslim raping gangs in my area using it to catfish and trick white girls into meeting them.

01:10:27.000 Seems to me they should be banned.

01:10:28.000 I don't like the idea of governments doing it.

01:10:30.000 Yeah, I'm never into banning anything, really.

01:10:32.000 But you're right, they are sick and depraved things.

01:10:35.000 Maybe because we don't have parents anymore and everyone's divorced, that they don't have a dad saying, don't go on those fucking things, Shirley.

01:10:43.000 You know, there's a buddy of mine in D.C., his sister was telling me that there's a major problem with millennial women and anal stretching, distended anuses.

01:10:54.000 Anal elasticity falling apart.

01:10:57.000 So I complain about my butthole, but young millennial women, their anuses are just destroyed.

01:11:04.000 What are you doing?

01:11:06.000 Doodling Spongebob from memory.

01:11:09.000 That's pretty good.

01:11:12.000 Thilo Bauer, Tilo, Tio.

01:11:15.000 Dear Mr. McInnes,

01:11:17.000 Here's, oh, this one letter really pissed me off.

01:11:20.000 Why the number of gays in the Catholic Church is disproportionately high.

01:11:24.000 One, gays tend to go to where mostly men coverage, like fatties meet at KFC.

01:11:29.000 Two, think of a family with a bunch of kids.

01:11:31.000 Not too long ago, my grandma had eight, and there was a famous outcry, blah, blah, blah.

01:11:35.000 Each kid had to be married off.

01:11:37.000 So the paterfamilias, look at this one weirdo who's not getting married off, and they think, if I force him to marry Luis, it won't work.

01:11:45.000 I better marry him to the church.

01:11:48.000 Thank you, Theo.

01:11:49.000 You said that already.

01:11:51.000 We thought of that.

01:11:52.000 That's right.

01:11:53.000 Like the idea that some child is emailing a 48 year old man and saying, you know, I think you should know something.

01:12:01.000 One of the reasons that there's gays in the church is that these big Italian families think, well, he's not, you're not interested in marrying women.

01:12:07.000 Let's put them in the church.

01:12:09.000 Thanks for the newsflash.

01:12:12.000 Oh, grand wizard of everything we already know.

01:12:14.000 Yeah, you fucking asshole.

01:12:16.000 Wait, what imitation are you doing?

01:12:19.000 Just an Italian guy.

01:12:22.000 Chris Moyers has an attack on me.

01:12:25.000 Uh oh.

01:12:26.000 You ready for this?

01:12:27.000 Oh yeah, it's gonna be brutal.

01:12:29.000 We barely scratched the surface of these letters, by the way.

01:12:33.000 I know, there's a lot to get to.

01:12:36.000 It's a very, how do I say this?

01:12:40.000 It's a very difficult situation.

01:12:43.000 Okay.

01:12:44.000 Chris Moyers wants me to know.

01:12:46.000 Gavin McInnes says he's liked the guy from Police Academy more than once when not even in the same realm of that guy.

01:12:53.000 I've made some fart sounds too.

01:12:55.000 Not impressive.

01:12:57.000 Hey, shit for brains Chris.

01:13:00.000 When I say I sound like the guy from Police Academy who does the cool sounds with his voice, I'm clearly being sarcastic.

01:13:09.000 I'm clearly making fun of myself for not being as good as that guy.

01:13:16.000 I've made it clear many times I'm not good at magical sounds, I'm not good at imitations, and in this self-deprecating mode of humor, I joke that I'm the guy from Police Academy.

01:13:29.000 Yeah, you piece of shit.

01:13:32.000 Also, Gavin says, don't say like, and proceeds to say the word like.

01:13:37.000 That's very true.

01:13:38.000 That's a good criticism of me.

01:13:41.000 Good work, Chris.

01:13:42.000 Do as I do, not as I say.

01:13:44.000 Okay, shut up!

01:13:45.000 Sorry.

01:13:47.000 Three.

01:13:48.000 Says don't say literally and proceeds to use the word literally.

01:13:50.000 I don't think I say literally too much.

01:13:54.000 Anyway.

01:13:55.000 That's one good insult.

01:13:58.000 Gav.

01:13:59.000 This is from Joe Despres.

01:14:02.000 Would you rather go on The View for a full hour or introduce President Trump before a rally?

01:14:06.000 That's a pretty good one, Joe.

01:14:08.000 What do you think, Ryguy?

01:14:10.000 Well, I would do The View to get more exposure.

01:14:14.000 Yeah, like the introducing President Trump would be awesome and it'd be great to meet him, but you know that I'd meet him for a handshake.

01:14:20.000 And introducing him is like when they have some girl with one arm throw in the first pitch at Citi Field at the Mets game.

01:14:29.000 No one knows who that is.

01:14:30.000 And God, you're wonderful little girl.

01:14:32.000 I'm glad you got a fucking fake arm.

01:14:34.000 Get out of here now.

01:14:36.000 So she's not a thing.

01:14:37.000 So I would definitely do The View.

01:14:39.000 I would tear them all a new ass.

01:14:41.000 I would do so much research about them.

01:14:42.000 I bet they all have failed marriages and kids that they don't talk to anymore.

01:14:46.000 And they're sitting there telling us how to live our lives.

01:14:49.000 Oh, that would be great.

01:14:50.000 Yeah, because the Trump thing could be heartbreaking too.

01:14:51.000 It'd be like, great guy!

01:14:52.000 And that's all he says about you?

01:14:54.000 And you're just like, fuck.

01:14:55.000 Yeah, no thanks.

01:14:56.000 And I'm not into rock stars.

01:14:57.000 I really appreciate Trump.

01:14:59.000 He's my favorite president ever.

01:15:00.000 But I'd love to sit down with him and talk for maybe 15 minutes.

01:15:06.000 But if it's going to be 10 seconds, I don't really give a shit.

01:15:09.000 And I hate when other people have that attitude, like they want a selfie with me or they're excited about meeting some celebrity.

01:15:15.000 They line up.

01:15:17.000 You can line up to get a picture with a princess when you're five.

01:15:20.000 That's fine.

01:15:21.000 But if you're an adult and you're lining up to just say hi to a celebrity for one second, you're a shitty person who hates himself.

01:15:32.000 Here's a really insulting one from Chris Moyers.

01:15:37.000 Wait, that's the same guy who just insulted me below.

01:15:39.000 The fuck?

01:15:40.000 He sent another insulting email the same day.

01:15:44.000 All right, let's do it.

01:15:45.000 Stop filming in 4D.

01:15:47.000 When you take off your glasses, it adds a fourth dimension of ugly to the whole segment.

01:15:50.000 Way too much Gavin facial.

01:15:52.000 No one needs that.

01:15:52.000 It was very mean, fairly accurate.

01:15:56.000 All right, that's enough out of you.

01:15:57.000 I have one.

01:15:58.000 Okay.

01:15:59.000 It's from Jay Logan.

01:16:02.000 He says, Excuse me.

01:16:04.000 Excuse me.

01:16:05.000 Excuse me.

01:16:06.000 You say you lose weight.

01:16:08.000 You didn't lose weight.

01:16:10.000 Why are you lying?

01:16:11.000 Because you put on five pounds.

01:16:13.000 Your wife here, she lost 68 pounds.

01:16:17.000 She's ready for the procedure.

01:16:18.000 You already have the procedure and you're eating until you vomit.

01:16:23.000 That's your body.

01:16:24.000 This is why we give you a gastric bypass.

01:16:26.000 So your body will reject excess food.

01:16:29.000 I'm retaining weight through water.

01:16:31.000 I think I'm drinking too much water.

01:16:32.000 I don't want to get malnourished.

01:16:35.000 You're getting Mountain Dew nourished.

01:16:36.000 Why are you saying this?

01:16:37.000 Why are you trying to lie to me?

01:16:39.000 All right, I'm out of here.

01:16:42.000 I don't need this shit.

01:16:43.000 Meanwhile, the guy's getting a free gastric bypass that the fucking show is paying for.

01:16:47.000 Yeah, this person apparently has worked on that show.

01:16:49.000 Yeah, that's not a letter.

01:16:50.000 That's a letter to us.

01:16:51.000 Oh, no, no.

01:16:52.000 It's not a different person.

01:16:54.000 Hey boys, I'm a medic from Houston where my 600-pound life is filmed and transported literally tons of bariatric patients, including some of the ones on that show.

01:17:03.000 I've never heard the word bariatric before.

01:17:19.000 Ugh, I never thought of that.

01:17:20.000 This is the funny part.

01:17:42.000 One time we had a 700 pound woman on the stretcher.

01:17:44.000 We had to take a specialized MRI, one of the largest in the city.

01:17:48.000 She was so fat she couldn't fit in it.

01:17:50.000 So the doctor says, we're going to have to contact the veterinary MRI at the fucking zoo.

01:17:57.000 She starts crying.

01:17:58.000 Sorry, you tell me what to do.

01:18:01.000 You tell me.

01:18:01.000 Should I build a machine just for you?

01:18:05.000 She starts crying, all of her fat is rolling around on my stretcher, and I'm standing there, like, thinking, Jesus Christ, we used to be hunters and warriors and shit.

01:18:13.000 Keep up the good work.

01:18:14.000 And P.S., exhale when you get hit, and you won't gas when you spar.

01:18:17.000 Yes, I'm aware of that.

01:18:19.000 Thank you.

01:18:19.000 Wild Bill from Dawsonville.

01:18:21.000 I was really enjoying Wild Bill there until he gave me that fucking tip, like, my coaches don't scream that in my face.

01:18:26.000 I've had guys I'm fighting yell that at me.

01:18:28.000 Breathe!

01:18:29.000 Breathe!

01:18:30.000 Yeah.

01:18:30.000 I'm aware, okay?

01:18:32.000 Jesus Christ, I'm fist-fighting someone.

01:18:35.000 That's like saying, hey, when you're fist-fighting someone, try to sing the Star Spangled Banner backwards.

01:18:41.000 Yeah, Gavin doesn't tell you how to treat your fatties.

01:18:44.000 Yeah, don't try to tell me how to treat my fatties.

01:18:48.000 So, bariatric is the world of medicine

01:18:54.000 A bariatric patient is a patient who is I thought it was a hockey player.

01:18:59.000 No, it's a it's a patient who's getting treated So it's it's a type of medicine and bariatric surgery is like a gastric bypass where they stitch your stomach to make it smaller It's not a it's not a hockey player who is known for hitting three goals in a row Go back to I'm not even gonna acknowledge that go back to that last email though.

01:19:17.000 Okay, I like that guy I

01:19:21.000 Oh yeah, that's another thing I wanted to bring up.

01:19:22.000 I talked to a surgeon about this and he said, another big problem with these gigantic tubs of shit is we didn't go to medical school for that.

01:19:31.000 We've slowly figured out that you need a laser to cut through the fat to get to the organs, but that's not in medical school, because those textbooks are 40 years old.

01:19:40.000 This phenomenon has really become an epidemic in the past 15 years, 20 years.

01:19:48.000 My dad broke his back in 17 places, which is a great story.

01:19:53.000 He got drunk and decided he was going to chop a branch down, but one branch was in the way, so he tied it back with a rope.

01:19:59.000 And so it was like a catapult waiting to go off.

01:20:01.000 He ignored it, and then he's not dumb, so he protected himself with safety gear.

01:20:06.000 His safety gear was three wool hats, like ski hats, like toques, like you wear.

01:20:12.000 Three Okimo hats, and then a bunch of sweaters and a puffy vest.

01:20:17.000 There you go.

01:20:19.000 Now nothing can hurt you.

01:20:20.000 And as he was sawing off the branch with a chainsaw, not even a real chainsaw, a chainsaw with an electrical cord because he's too cheap to have a real chainsaw.

01:20:29.000 So it's like basically a leaf trimmer and he's sawing away at this branch and then his catapult branch comes undone and just goes and whacks him.

01:20:40.000 Like a t-ball.

01:20:42.000 And he goes flying through the air with the chainsaw running.

01:20:45.000 Oh, it's not running anymore because his hand's off it.

01:20:47.000 But a chainsaw, him, and the ladder, for some reason, went flying through the air.

01:20:51.000 Maybe it hit the ladder first?

01:20:54.000 And then he lands on the ladder, about 20 feet away, shattered about 17 vertebrae in his spine.

01:21:00.000 Anyway, the doctor takes him in there.

01:21:02.000 Hoop-doop-doo!

01:21:05.000 Done.

01:21:06.000 And my dad goes, that was fucking quick, by the way!

01:21:10.000 And they go, yeah, that's what we went to school for.

01:21:12.000 The beauty of you, Mr. McInnes, is that you're normal.

01:21:15.000 He was going to say skinny, but normal size.

01:21:17.000 So I cut your back open.

01:21:19.000 Boom.

01:21:20.000 There's the broken vertebrae just sitting there, just like they were in my textbooks.

01:21:24.000 Just like I learned in school.

01:21:26.000 And I put the little pins in the broken ones and I zip you back up.

01:21:29.000 Boom.

01:21:29.000 Done.

01:21:36.000 I'm doing a Christian Vardy.

01:21:37.000 I'm doing a punk rock podcast where I talk to controversial people.

01:21:40.000 Can you be in it?

01:21:41.000 No!

01:21:43.000 Only contact me to do an interview if you have, you know, 10,000 followers on Twitter at least.

01:21:49.000 And that's not a snobby thing, or Alex Jones would say, I'm not bragging!

01:21:54.000 I just don't have time to do all your shitty little podcasts.

01:21:57.000 I get people from college saying, I'm doing a paper on patriotism, can I do an interview with you?

01:22:03.000 No!

01:22:04.000 When I was in college, I didn't get to contact people that I was doing a thing on.

01:22:11.000 All right.

01:22:11.000 This one's, how are we doing for time?

01:22:12.000 We got to wrap it up soon.

01:22:14.000 An hour 22.

01:22:14.000 All right.

01:22:16.000 We got to wrap it up.

01:22:16.000 By the way, I have another thousand letters.

01:22:19.000 I think these letters are pretty good too.

01:22:21.000 I wouldn't be reading anything that was just like, Hey man, really good podcast.

01:22:25.000 Really enjoy it.

01:22:25.000 Like Howard Stern.

01:22:27.000 Oh, there I am saying like, you're right, dude.

01:22:29.000 Howard Stern will have these callers who just go, Hey, I love the show, man.

01:22:32.000 I thought that last interview was really good.

01:22:35.000 What the fuck kind of comment is that?

01:22:38.000 How are we any of us further ahead?

01:22:41.000 I just learned bariatric.

01:22:43.000 Now we're farther ahead.

01:22:44.000 We know more than we did before that letter.

01:22:50.000 Okay, you want to hear this one?

01:22:51.000 This is gonna be the last letter from James Anderson.

01:22:54.000 Bring it on now.

01:22:57.000 Gavin, the guy asked me about sleeping with a girl in a relationship.

01:22:59.000 It reminded me of a story.

01:23:02.000 I'm a 21-year-old college senior who slept with a married woman with kids on multiple occasions.

01:23:07.000 Something I'm not very proud of.

01:23:09.000 We met at an event, which had a social dance in the evening.

01:23:12.000 Before it began, she was coming on to me hard.

01:23:15.000 At this point, I was unaware she was married or had children, and happily flirted along, not thinking anything would come of it.

01:23:21.000 As the evening progressed, we danced.

01:23:22.000 We were hanging out afterwards, flirting and joking.

01:23:24.000 I started making out with her as this progressed.

01:23:26.000 She mentioned that she wouldn't say why.

01:23:27.000 Eventually, she mentioned that she was married and fairly older than me.

01:23:30.000 I was 20 at the time, she was 31.

01:23:32.000 We kept going.

01:23:33.000 I'm not proud of this, but holy shit, I was horny.

01:23:36.000 I didn't know she had kids yet.

01:23:37.000 We fucked, stayed up talking.

01:23:38.000 A lot of excited talk about how she hasn't felt like this in so long and being an idiot.

01:23:43.000 I thought in the morning we would never see each other again.

01:23:45.000 No harm, no foul.

01:23:46.000 She added me on Facebook after the event and out of a mix of foolishness and horniness, I accepted.

01:23:51.000 Horniness.

01:23:54.000 Why do I want to make, on our new show, I want to sell t-shirts that just say horniness?

01:23:59.000 That's pretty cool.

01:24:00.000 Would you wear a shirt that said horniness?

01:24:02.000 Yeah, I wore a shirt.

01:24:03.000 You wear a shirt with you as a baby on it.

01:24:06.000 Yeah, I usually stick to just white shirts though, so.

01:24:08.000 Okay, sorry, sensitive subject.

01:24:13.000 We fucked and stayed up talking.

01:24:16.000 Sorry.

01:24:19.000 We made out, planned to meet again.

01:24:20.000 Of course, I had to lie to my parents about where I was going.

01:24:22.000 By the way, why are you talking to your parents when you're 20?

01:24:27.000 Ryan is no example.

01:24:29.000 Actually, Ryan never had parents.

01:24:30.000 He lived with his grandparents.

01:24:31.000 He's more like Spider-Man in that sense.

01:24:33.000 But you should move out at 18.

01:24:35.000 I can't afford it.

01:24:37.000 Fuck off.

01:24:39.000 Sleep on bunks.

01:24:42.000 You know, you can get a shitty apartment for $1,700.

01:24:44.000 You get four guys in the bedroom.

01:24:49.000 One, two, three, four.

01:24:50.000 Two bunk beds.

01:24:52.000 Now it's... it's... what's 17 divided by 4?

01:24:57.000 5... 550 each?

01:25:00.000 What's 500 bucks?

01:25:02.000 500 bucks a month, 100 bucks a week.

01:25:03.000 Bums spend more of that on booze.

01:25:05.000 Yeah, but I can't fuck chicks.

01:25:07.000 You'll figure something out, my friend.

01:25:08.000 There's a bathroom, you can stay at her house.

01:25:11.000 Now that I crammed you all into the bedroom, all four of you, you have this whole big living room to yourself.

01:25:16.000 You know what we used to do in our first house?

01:25:18.000 We put the couch on seven milk crates so it was six feet in the air and we would just watch TV with our feet dangling down on this giant couch.

01:25:27.000 You know, fun shit like that.

01:25:30.000 Oh my god, my mommy didn't know where I was going.

01:25:34.000 You should be, James, you should be so ashamed of that sentence.

01:25:37.000 Of course, I had to lie to my parents about where I was going, which added another layer of guilt to this.

01:25:44.000 What a pussy.

01:25:46.000 I felt so guilty lying to my mama.

01:25:49.000 I was 20 and I was banging this married chick.

01:25:52.000 What has happened to the men today?

01:25:55.000 Jesus Christ, dude.

01:25:56.000 Read that sentence back to yourself a hundred times and change your ways.

01:26:01.000 You know what?

01:26:02.000 I just changed my mind about all of this.

01:26:03.000 I was going to have a long philosophical discussion about what you should do.

01:26:08.000 If you're 20 and any woman hits on you who is of legal age, the answer is yes.

01:26:16.000 Sorry, I don't care if she's married.

01:26:18.000 If it's, wait, wait, sorry, sorry, sorry.

01:26:20.000 There is an exception.

01:26:22.000 If it's your buddy's ex, the answer is no.

01:26:25.000 Unless it's been more than a year and you ask him first and he goes, yeah, fuck her good, dude.

01:26:30.000 Get her out of my hair.

01:26:30.000 I hate her guts.

01:26:32.000 And he's really, like he says, definitely do it.

01:26:35.000 And like he looks you right in the eyes.

01:26:36.000 He goes, believe me, dude, I couldn't be happier for you if you fucked that stupid bitch.

01:26:42.000 If he says that, okay.

01:26:43.000 But he probably won't.

01:26:44.000 And then obviously, and I shouldn't even have to say this, if your friend's girlfriend hits on you in any way, you run from her bawling your eyes out because you feel so bad for your friend.

01:26:58.000 Okay?

01:26:59.000 But outside of those, if some stranger comes up and wants to fuck you and you're 20, yes is the answer.

01:27:05.000 I don't care who she is.

01:27:07.000 And secondly, don't worry about lying to your mommy and daddy about it, okay, you fucking pussy?

01:27:15.000 We planned another meeting.

01:27:16.000 She got a hotel room before this third rendezvous.

01:27:17.000 I did some digging and found out that she was married to a fucking Marine.

01:27:21.000 Uh oh.

01:27:24.000 Now I'm worried about you.

01:27:25.000 Now I'm not worried about the ethics.

01:27:26.000 I'm worried about you being murdered.

01:27:28.000 Physically.

01:27:29.000 Yeah.

01:27:29.000 Not getting beat up.

01:27:31.000 Being murdered and him not getting charged because he's so good that you just vanish.

01:27:37.000 And he knows where there's cameras and he knows where to put the body.

01:27:42.000 He might not even kill you first.

01:27:43.000 He might just throw you in the hole and bury you alive.

01:27:45.000 Yeah, you're gonna be bruised and battered.

01:27:47.000 Talk about swollen valor.

01:27:49.000 Okay.

01:27:50.000 Go ahead, Gav.

01:27:55.000 You have to be a guy.

01:27:56.000 You can only talk as Jordan Peterson for the rest of this podcast.

01:27:59.000 How about by Tony Soprano?

01:28:02.000 No, Jordan Peterson.

01:28:03.000 Okay, I can absolutely do that.

01:28:07.000 First, by the sheer horror of what I was involved in.

01:28:10.000 Second, by the fact that if a man found out, he would murder me, and frankly, I wouldn't blame him.

01:28:16.000 How was that?

01:28:17.000 Uh, wasn't bad.

01:28:19.000 I thought I felt pretty good about that.

01:28:21.000 So, yeah.

01:28:22.000 I went to the third meeting, propelled in part by the thought that if she didn't, she would tell someone I'd be somewhere at the bottom of the ocean.

01:28:29.000 Oh, that's another thing, guys.

01:28:31.000 She's going to tell her husband.

01:28:33.000 So you got to get in and get out.

01:28:34.000 During a fight.

01:28:35.000 Yeah.

01:28:36.000 Yeah.

01:28:36.000 She's like, I fucked his kid.

01:28:38.000 Then he's like, well, now you're both dead.

01:28:41.000 Well, I hope you like the bottom of the East River because that's your next home.

01:28:45.000 We slept together and I asked a question about how secretive she was being.

01:28:47.000 She assured me no one would know.

01:28:49.000 No, dude.

01:28:50.000 Yeah, that's another good tip I've always said.

01:28:52.000 If you want to break up with a chick, I don't know why this is so hard, guys just will put it off for months and months and treat her like shit.

01:28:56.000 Well, she gives good head and fuck you.

01:28:57.000 It's just a bad six hours.

01:29:16.000 You go to her house, you sit down, and you go, this isn't working out.

01:29:18.000 I'm sorry.

01:29:19.000 I don't do this anymore.

01:29:20.000 I'm not happy.

01:29:21.000 Those are all good sentences to say.

01:29:23.000 And then you just sit it out.

01:29:25.000 People work in the sewers.

01:29:28.000 You know what a rat king is?

01:29:29.000 It's when rats' tails get so tangled together that they become a ball of rats.

01:29:34.000 And they clog the shit pipes in the sewers.

01:29:39.000 Some guy goes down there with his yellow gloves on and grabs a Rat King and pulls it out and then all the shit can pour out and he gets shit all over him.

01:29:46.000 Okay?

01:29:46.000 And that's a success.

01:29:48.000 That's him having a good day at work.

01:29:50.000 He just got a raise for that.

01:29:52.000 That's him kicking ass and taking names.

01:29:54.000 And I'm not disparaging that profession, obviously.

01:29:56.000 I'm saying those guys are awesome.

01:29:58.000 We need them.

01:29:59.000 They're real men, hard workers, dirty jobs.

01:30:02.000 So you can sit in a beautiful 70 degrees apartment where you're allowed to have a yogurt snack halfway through and you can watch your ex-girlfriend cry for six hours.

01:30:12.000 Do it!

01:30:13.000 And by the way, if you dump her on an answering machine or just be a pussy and don't call her like this guy did, who's worried about his mommy and daddy, you'll feel way worse for way longer.

01:30:22.000 Do the clean break.

01:30:23.000 She'll respect you more.

01:30:25.000 Explain to her that it's not gonna happen anymore.

01:30:27.000 If she's a psycho, you could be in some trouble.

01:30:31.000 She's gonna, like, call your friends and stuff.

01:30:36.000 You also have to watch out for her lying and saying that she raped you or something.

01:30:41.000 That's another terrible case scenario.

01:30:43.000 But, um... Yeah, just sit down and be a man about it.

01:30:47.000 Anyway, we met again at another event of the same nature later.

01:30:51.000 Like, normally I'd let someone get away with event of the same nature, but when you said, I felt bad I had to lie to my mommy and daddy, I can't forgive same nature.

01:31:02.000 She broke down asking why I didn't talk to her.

01:31:05.000 Why are you writing me this?

01:31:06.000 This is getting boring.

01:31:07.000 Which was shitty, I admit.

01:31:09.000 Apparently she had told her husband.

01:31:11.000 Duh.

01:31:12.000 And things were rough.

01:31:13.000 So maybe we should be clear here.

01:31:14.000 If some married woman wants to fuck you, get in and get out and disappear.

01:31:18.000 Because her husband's gonna kill you.

01:31:22.000 And things were rough, but they were working through it.

01:31:25.000 At least we had some closure.

01:31:27.000 I hope they're still together for the kids sake.

01:31:29.000 This guy's kind of a real softie for someone who dabbles with the Marines family.

01:31:35.000 You know what I mean?

01:31:36.000 It's like a gay bank robber.

01:31:40.000 To this day I am astounded that I was not murdered and have a hard time believing this happened if not for the fact that I was there.

01:31:45.000 No moral dilemma, all totally terrible.

01:31:47.000 Dog Day Afternoon, that's a gay bank robber.

01:31:49.000 Really?

01:31:49.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:31:50.000 Okay.

01:31:51.000 I haven't seen it in a long time.

01:31:53.000 No, I wasn't saying Nomeral Dilemma.

01:31:54.000 This is in the letter.

01:31:55.000 Nomeral Dilemma, all totally terrible, but I guess your friend was right.

01:31:58.000 I did that guy a favor by letting him know that his wife would do this.

01:32:01.000 I just hope he doesn't repay me for it.

01:32:03.000 Yeah.

01:32:05.000 All right, guys.

01:32:05.000 That is barely taking a chip out of the letters.

01:32:08.000 We're not going to have another mail... We'll do mail, individual small mailbags per show, but we're never going to have a mailbag episode, probably not for at least a week.

01:32:17.000 But I think these are good.

01:32:19.000 To help clear the rat kings out of the sewers.

01:32:22.000 Network never covered in shit.

01:32:24.000 I like you more than a friend.

01:32:26.000 Please go to nohate.com for the Miles videos.

01:32:30.000 We do super chats once a week there where you can write in any question you want and ask my brother Miles, what's up?

01:32:39.000 I also put out a new video on the Gavin 2000 on YouTube every day.

01:32:45.000 And we got our new show launching pretty soon.

01:32:47.000 We're already banking stuff for it.

01:32:48.000 We're already planning the Copper Cab fight.

01:32:50.000 We're going to go to Atlanta and they're going to shoot a big sort of 30 up ESPN 30 for 30 thing where you get to know the fighters.

01:32:58.000 Um,

01:32:59.000 Is that it, Ryan?

01:33:01.000 Yep.

01:33:01.000 Tommy Robinson was just trying to sue the police for human rights abuses.

01:33:06.000 I don't know how well it went.

01:33:08.000 He definitely has a case, but he could have a shitty lawyer who fucked it up.

01:33:11.000 Who knows?

01:33:14.000 I think that's it, yeah.

01:33:15.000 So I'll see you soon.

01:33:16.000 I like you more than a friend.

01:33:17.000 And please go to DefendGavin.com and lay down five bucks.

01:33:23.000 If all of you put down five bucks, we can help turn the tides of this shipwreck.

01:33:30.000 We are headed into a serious calamity here on this boat and we need to get away from these rocks and save free speech because it's getting worse every day and big tech is really enjoying our own demise.

01:33:47.000 All right, like you more than a friend, DefendGavin.com.

Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes - March 14, 2019

Get Off My Lawn Podcast #121 | Let's take a really close look at the mail bag

Episode Stats

Length

Words per Minute

Word Count

Sentence Count

Misogynist Sentences

Hate Speech Sentences

Summary

Transcript