Comedian and actor Ryan Higa ( ) joins Jemele to discuss a variety of topics, including how to deal with a hangover, a broken computer, and why you should drink more water after a night of drinking.
Transcript
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00:02:24.000That's like that Louis C.K. bit where he goes, I was on a plane, I was sitting in first class, and there was a soldier who came on, a Marine, and he has clearly just come back from Afghanistan.
00:02:33.000And he thought, I'm going to get up and give him my seat because that's just the kind of guy I am.
00:02:38.000And then he proceeded to feel really good about himself for the duration of the flight, despite not getting up at all.
00:02:44.000He's proud for himself for having that thought.
00:03:08.000Jesus, Brian, you really know how to help out the show, don't you?
00:03:14.000When I was watching him do that stand-up and he's talking about how he beats off on his girlfriend and his daughter's bed because it's his bed and his kids are gone and it's none of their business.
00:03:22.000I was just watching going, you're going to get divorced, dude.
00:03:26.000She's going to use all of this against you.
00:03:28.000I think his wife is super rich, too, his ex-wife.
00:10:32.000So junkies are so, Why are they like, hi, what's going on, you guys?
00:10:41.000I have a disturbing theory that that's how we all are deep down.
00:10:44.000I don't mean sucking dicks or any of that, but being really sort of, hey guys, is kind of how we would be if we were totally and utterly self-indulgent.
00:10:54.000And the proof is when we're wasted, we act kind of gay.
00:13:11.000I saw a Tucker thing the other day, and he did a whole montage of Beto O'Rourke talking about how we have to stop white supremacy, and Kamala Harris talking about the latent white supremacy in this country, and white supremacy, white supremacy.
00:13:24.000It's like 207 guys total in a country of, what are we, 360 million?
00:13:41.000If you held a Klan rally anywhere in the world and could guarantee anonymity, sorry, anywhere in America and could guarantee anonymity, and you flew them there, you might get 212, maybe?
00:13:57.000A few people show up out of curiosity.
00:14:54.000And you HR person who hired me, you're going to be in the boss's good books because the $40K I save you in tax this year is just the tip of the iceberg.
00:15:56.000Like they call half the country a Nazi and deny that being a Nazi is the end of your life, the end of your career, the end of your kids' life.
00:16:07.000So how could it be so mainstream, yet so dangerous?
00:22:44.000It's about like corporations are going to take over and shit like that, and they're doing something to the environment, and all our jobs are going to be taken over by robots.
00:23:19.000You know, the mosque shooter in Quebec was also really worried about the environment and the world's water supply, but no one pinned environmentalists to him.
00:24:06.000Although Crucius had little use for Republicans, he was most angry about what he had seen in the recent Democratic presidential debates.
00:24:13.000They intend to use open borders, free health care for illegals, citizenship, and more to enact a political coup by importing and legalizing millions of new voters.
00:24:22.000With policies like these, the Hispanic support for Democrats will likely become nearly unanimous in the future.
00:24:27.000The heavy Hispanic population will make Texas a stronghold.
00:24:30.000Losing Texas and a few other states with heavy Hispanic population to the Democrats is all it would take for them to win nearly every presidential election.
00:24:39.000Although the Republican Party is also terrible, many factions within the Republican Party are pro-corporation.
00:25:29.000I figured you guys could talk about that.
00:25:31.000Yeah, do you remember before, during the election, they said, hey, don't go bitching about the fucking Electoral College when you lose, bitch, because that's un-American.
00:25:41.000And then Trump won and they went, we've got to question the Electoral College.
00:30:50.000My friends give me crap because I will bring in a cup of soda or whatever I'm drinking while I'm going to the bathroom.
00:30:58.000And they'll say that apparently when you flush the toilet, there's like little particles, like little shit particles that'll like land in your cup and on your straw.
00:32:03.000But my contention would be that these poo-poo particles are so infinitesimally small that it's totally irrelevant.
00:32:13.000you walking down the street you're eating all kinds of disgusting stuff you better have a But we're all inhaling shit and dust and cum particles everywhere we go.
00:32:26.000Fucking, you walk by a homeless man and you inhale all of His skin, his dead skin cells, and his dick cheese, and that's just life.
00:35:07.000I don't know what that was doing in the collection.
00:35:09.000We're going to be recording a bunch more of those and putting them up over the holidays.
00:35:13.000I'm going to Breezy Point, so we're going to have some banked episodes next week, and then we're going to shoot live from Breezy Point.
00:35:20.000But those will be short, so we'll put up lots of other free speech presents and off the records so you don't feel ripped off.
00:35:28.000Well, kind of on the back of that, I was just curious if you've even commented on this, but all the weird kind of music controversy around Morrissey and like Johnny Marr and Billy Bragg kind of coming out and being like, you know, you're a pile of shit because you live in an area that's probably overtaken by Muslims.
00:35:43.000Everybody rewriting history about ever having listened to the Smiths at all.
00:35:46.000Like my friends were like, I don't even like Morrissey.
00:35:48.000And I'm like, dude, we spent two full summers listening to that band.
00:35:51.000Like, I don't know what you're talking about.
00:35:53.000So Billy Bragg stabbed Morrissey in the back?
00:35:58.000Dude, all the British post-punk kind of like weird post-goth musicians are coming out and being like, yeah, Morrissey wore a pin that's like slightly right-wing.
00:36:06.000And I think he's kind of associated with a group that's really not so kind of Muslims or at least noticing the fact that they're overtaking neighborhoods and becoming a problem.
00:36:15.000Like, you know, normal shit, but Billy Bragg lives in a big, beautiful mansion in the south of England.
00:37:00.000I just think the goalpost of moves like this, what it means to be a nationalist, like sort of changed, and he didn't, kind of like, kind of like you in a way.
00:37:07.000And even Johnny Marr is kind of shitting all over him, although they haven't been friends in a long time anyway.
00:37:11.000But it just sucks to see that people I know are like rewriting my own personal history about listening to the Smiths.
00:37:16.000I'm like, dude, you've liked the Smiths your whole life.
00:40:42.000And then the other girls and everyone else can have the scraps.
00:40:45.000So a hierarchy of food, which of course developed all this animosity from, like, the youngest girl who gets a third of a potato as the eldest boy is just digging into a steak.
00:43:01.000They feel like a big bag of sand, right?
00:43:03.000You love when your dad throws the football with you, and then he gets ice cream and watches you eat it, and then he takes you to the bottom of the city.
00:43:07.000You know when your dad's playing football with you, and then he pulls his dick out and hits the football and then throws it and he goes, aha, you got a penis football.
00:45:04.000Every time you get a haircut, you go to a hairstylist, even though you're $12,000 in debt and you spend, what, like $100 having them cut a few hairs.
00:45:46.000And, you know, I was talking about my dad rolling up his sleeves when he's super drunk, listening to Marvin Gaye, going, Hurt a true to grip, van.
00:46:00.000So we went to this junkie breakfast where they said they're having a big breakfast party, which I'd never heard of before, and it sounded fun.
00:46:05.000So I brought my girlfriend who's now my wife over there, and it wasn't fun, and there's no such thing as a breakfast party.
00:46:10.000They were cooking waffles in a Hello Kitty waffle maker.
00:46:55.000Just like when you get in a street fight and you do the fight face and you think your smile looks normal, but your adrenaline is pounding and you look like a puppet.
00:47:06.000So she leaves and then she forgot her keys.
00:47:09.000So she comes back and he's adjusting his, oh, you forgot your keys.
00:48:56.000So it's great for single guys because they have a lot of pressure on their first date.
00:49:00.000And it's also great for married men, especially old married men like me, who forgot what it's like to have an actual wood, like a solid coconut smasher.
00:49:13.000And I've tried this pill and it lasted longer.
00:52:05.000but he hits that extra note that is hit in Nirvana You'll notice, by the way, in our new song we're working on called You Can't Start a Fight with a Pettibone, there's no similarities.
00:54:02.000Now, we're pre-taping next week's, so callers we don't get to stay on the line.
00:54:06.000We're going to end this episode shortly, and then we're going to stop the live cast, and then you'll see the second half of this next week.
00:54:15.000Which you could be on if you just stay on the line.
00:55:54.000If you wanted to talk about the elderly, you should have called last week when our pet care show was airing, but we were taping the elderly show.
00:59:59.000I think if you could get them really drunk or give them a bit of heroin, I'm not suggesting you lace anyone's drink with heroin, but if you were to do heroin with a liberal, they would concede that they don't think half the country is racist.
01:00:09.000They would concede that they don't think that Israel is an apartheid.
01:00:44.000And you're going to throw it all away for some stupid scientist job?
01:00:47.000And the Asian guy was like, yeah, I am.
01:00:50.000And the guy who was yelling at him would drop everything in a heartbeat if he was offered a hundredth of what the Asian dude was offered in that scenario.
01:00:59.000So I think these people are just Bratty cunts who are doing this just out of a sense of fashion.
01:01:06.000But if, you know, if they were ever kicked off social media or a loved one was ever ostracized or if they were ever doxxed, if they ever got a taste of what they dish out, they would immediately capitulate.
01:01:17.000It's almost like the small man complex.
01:01:20.000So no, they don't think America's racist.
01:01:22.000They don't think the world is going to end.
01:01:24.000They don't think that we should get rid of fossil fuels.
01:01:26.000It's just fashion, which is why they don't want to have an open discussion on this.
01:01:36.000Yeah, because it implies they'll grow out of it.
01:01:39.000It's sort of like when you're 14, you listen to rap and you go, yo, all the time.
01:01:45.000Regarding that guy that eats and shits at the same time, I hate when people tell me not to press the elevator with my finger pad, use my knuckles.