GOML LIVE #86 - GET FIRED
Episode Stats
Words per Minute
152.43063
Hate Speech Sentences
127
Summary
This week, the boys talk about the new haircut helmet, the new Trump administration, and the weirdest thing Ryan has ever done to his hair. Also, the guys talk about a new song they like and a song they don't like.
Transcript
00:00:13.000
Live from New York, it's Get Off My Lawn with Kevin McGuinness.
00:00:40.000
Yeah, that's a cool wee band Fay in New Orleans, by the way.
00:00:45.000
Special interest, and that's called Street Pulse Beat.
00:00:50.000
And a new album out, really weird band, but really good.
00:00:59.000
If I don't spend, if I don't have a shower and spend like an hour fixing it up, then it's a huge fucking mess.
00:01:11.000
I thought I would be wild man forest guy for like as a new look.
00:01:22.000
I don't really talk about politics as much now that Trump is gone and we just have a retard in the White House who's not even there.
00:01:27.000
I think Kamala Harris was answering all his questions yesterday.
00:01:33.000
So politics isn't as fun anymore, and this mess is just...
00:01:44.000
Where's the haircut helmet you were talking about yesterday?
00:01:59.000
It has vacuums, and then the vacuums have little scissors in it.
00:02:06.000
Two of my least favorite things are having my hair pulled and any kind of electrical shock.
00:02:12.000
But if this starts pulling my hair, I'm going to pull your hair.
00:02:30.000
So, Ryan Rivera claims that this stupid thing he got in Japan, which looks tiny for my big head, and my head's not that big, will cut my hair.
00:02:42.000
And you should zoom in so people can see it operate.
00:02:46.000
This will cut my hair and my beard and groom me in a matter of seconds.
00:02:51.000
Surely there has to be touch-ups after that where you have to fix parts.
00:03:25.000
By the way, notice how non-wrinkly my eyes are.
00:03:34.000
Okay, you're not doing a very good job here, Ryan.
00:03:36.000
I don't want to move this because it's getting it back in place.
00:03:58.000
Oh my god, this is the weirdest feeling I've ever experienced.
00:04:22.000
I don't know if you're supposed to take it off yet.
00:04:27.000
I think my hair is tangled in the fans like a washcloth in a garbage disposal.
00:05:49.000
I mean, I thought he was the only haircutting Japanese robot on the market.
00:05:58.000
Ryan's biological father, Katsu, has no feelings.
00:06:04.000
He was able to abandon his child, leave him to the wolves.
00:06:21.000
Is there even such thing as a Puerto Rican restaurant?
00:07:02.000
Well, it's probably like a Puerto Rican restaurant in New York.
00:07:10.000
It's a type of pork with their sofrito, which is a bunch of spices.
00:07:20.000
Not that there's a ton of English restaurants, Scottish restaurants, although McDonald's is a successful chain.
00:07:31.000
Although there is Mile End, the Montreal restaurant that serves Montreal bagels and putin.
00:07:41.000
A bunch of rice and beans, and then it's like a cow's dick.
00:07:46.000
That's just like random pieces of butcher meat that no one else wants.
00:08:21.000
Why everyone calls it the red thing or the red sauce?
00:08:24.000
And then you just dip your shit into it with your pita bread.
00:08:27.000
It's exactly like you woke up at four in the morning and you're having leftovers.
00:08:31.000
And then I look at everyone else's food and it's fucking broth or Mexican food.
00:08:56.000
Someone put some dead pig and a banana and came on it.
00:09:00.000
I don't want that with some fucking miscarriage on the top.
00:09:15.000
I guess I just have to match it up in a blender and drink it.
00:09:20.000
It's a pile of egg, pile of potatoes, and then some shit on some stuff.
00:09:28.000
You could hand someone, if they're running the New York Marathon, you could go, hey, I know you're kind of hungry.
00:09:37.000
Try handing a marathon runner a taco or this bullshit.
00:09:42.000
Fucking weird, dumb potato bun with shavings of bullshit.
00:09:58.000
Chinese food that you and I eat is heavily Americanized Chinese food.
00:10:09.000
I hope you love a turtle sitting in hot water with nothing else to it.
00:10:19.000
Want a dead hot turtle in dead hot turtle water?
00:10:29.000
One squeak as I pick it up with my chopsticks, which are retarded.
00:10:53.000
You stick your sticks into a fucking grasshopper.
00:11:11.000
I'm going to be generous and say a thousand years ago.
00:11:17.000
This is an Aboriginal musical instrument, and it's not that different from chopsticks.
00:11:23.000
You've had 40,000 years to beat me, and I fucking creamed you with my super fork.
00:11:45.000
Even within the stick community, those are shit.
00:11:55.000
It's a traditional way, the Aboriginal, Australian Aboriginal way to cook food.
00:12:00.000
You take, oh, we should probably print out our sponsors at some point.
00:12:03.000
I've been on this xenophobic rant now for 15 minutes.
00:12:07.000
They smoke out iguanas or lizards or whatever's down there by lighting a brush fire.
00:12:13.000
The lizards come out and then they get into an elaborate process called throwing the lizard in a fire.
00:12:27.000
So yes, the lizard burns to death, burns alive.
00:12:36.000
And then I guess the inner skin isn't too bad if you get it out in time.
00:12:45.000
If you think this is racist, I would like to emphasize how disgusting all of Eastern Europe is.
00:13:00.000
Homeless people with tumors dancing and laughing on the street as they slip at each other's vomit.
00:13:06.000
I don't even think there's such a thing as Romanian food, is there?
00:13:24.000
It's just a bunch of other foods stolen from other people.
00:13:31.000
I bet it's just an empty plate with some snow on it.
00:13:41.000
You know, in Scotland where I'm from, we were so impoverished and we had such little arable land that we'd literally have a pot in our fucking mud hut, and you just throw in like a goat eye and some bread or what, no, bread, if you wish.
00:13:57.000
You just throw garbage in there and it would just be bubbling in.
00:14:00.000
And when you're hungry, you just grab a spoon and eat out of the pile of garbage.
00:14:07.000
So you could have a goat eye, ostensibly, you could have a goat eye pop into your mouth that was 40 years old.
00:14:15.000
And I heard of some pathetic Southeast Asian countries that had the same thing.
00:14:21.000
And they have some restaurant that's still going and it's had the same broth for something like 40, 50 years.
00:14:28.000
So that crazy, disgusting scenario I just brought up in Scotland also happens in Southeast Asia, which is unforgivable over there because they couldn't possibly have more arable land than Southeast Asia.
00:14:39.000
I bet if you took a shit in Cambodia and came back the next day, there'd be a bamboo tree there saying thanks.
00:14:47.000
This scary pot of soup has been cooking for 45 years.
00:15:14.000
What if you ever get your New York taxi license?
00:15:19.000
Your first name is Natapong, which is basically the Mike of Cambodia.
00:15:37.000
I met a guy in Egypt, from Egypt, I should say, who told me that they do this thing that idiots here at America are just trying out now with hyphenated names.
00:15:58.000
Then she gets married to a guy who has a hyphenated name.
00:16:03.000
Well, now you're just listing off names of your fucking parents when we meet, which is gay.
00:16:13.000
And so you'll have an ID form, like you'll be filling out an application, and the name will go across the top down the side of the paper because you have 140 last names.
00:16:29.000
Europe, parts of South America, not Central America, it sucks.
00:16:39.000
And then there's some scatterings of Africa, like where's the place where they still speak Aramaic or whatever Jesus' language is?
00:16:51.000
I would actually, I'm starting to think Japan, the paragon of the East, is more Western than many Western countries.
00:17:07.000
Well, if you do what Hitler does, then you're a Nazi.
00:17:25.000
We didn't forgive slavery, and that happened longer than that ago.
00:17:31.000
You know what I saw in the paper today, by the way?
00:17:33.000
You know who we're really pissed at right now, speaking of slavery?
00:17:43.000
Is there anyone more out of touch than William Shakespeare?
00:17:54.000
An increasing number of woke teachers, and thank God woke has finally become an insult, are refusing to include the bard in their curricula, claiming his classic works promote misogyny, racism, homophobia.
00:18:07.000
They promote it, classism, anti-Semitism, and, well, they write misogynoir.
00:18:24.000
That's like misogyny, but it's like a fancy art film.
00:18:32.000
The specific hatred, dislike, distrust, and prejudice toward black woman.
00:18:38.000
So is it, are you a misogynoirist if you make fun of Tessica for putting gorilla glue in her hair?
00:18:52.000
I'm a misagenoir myself when it comes to opera.
00:19:00.000
Boy, we learned a lot of stuff on this show live on the air.
00:19:02.000
Speaking of live on the air, today's book is Unmasked by Andy No.
00:19:09.000
It's a great book, but I have a problem with these kind of books when they're so on the nose.
00:19:19.000
Like, I want every liberal in America to read this.
00:19:22.000
I want everyone, all these boomer-angry woman liberals to read it.
00:19:35.000
So here's an incredibly petty thing, and I don't want to shit on such a fantastic book with such a petty observation.
00:19:45.000
But on page six, and Tucker was just making fun of Jill Biden's dissertation, and it is a fucking shit show.
00:19:52.000
She says things like, if you're in a classroom in America, half the class will be Hispanic, a quarter will be black, a quarter will be white, and then there will be another quarter.
00:20:03.000
And she starts listing like seven quarters of people.
00:20:07.000
She also talks about in her dissertation that maybe we have to get to the point where we have an eight-week study week, where I guess we cram eight weeks into one week.
00:20:15.000
So if we're going to make fun of people for typos, this typo drove me bananas.
00:20:20.000
And again, it's a petty thing to say about a good book, a great book, a very important book that I would love it if this was taught in schools.
00:20:29.000
I'd love it if everyone in America could read it.
00:20:33.000
This wouldn't be unusual to be read in a classroom.
00:20:35.000
It's not like these motherfuckers are burning down the country.
00:20:40.000
I'd love to stab them in their cunt and or balls.
00:20:43.000
It's just like, and then Owejibwe, you know his weird gay Vietnamese voice?
00:20:47.000
Awejibwe, they were mad at people for challenging them, even though they had been challenging people for a very long time.
00:20:54.000
So it's very, I find it to be very centrist, actually.
00:21:00.000
House Judiciary Committee Chairman Gerald Nadler.
00:21:09.000
Called the movement imagery during a congressional debate.
00:21:15.000
Now, Ryan, you're too dumb to know anything in the world, but Jerry Nadler never called Antifa imagery.
00:21:26.000
And he reiterated that on the street with Fleckus, which is how I remember it, where he said it's a figment of our imagination or something.
00:21:36.000
I even looked at the publisher to see if it was some like, you know, homemade thing because no one would want to print it because there's so much controversy about this book.
00:21:45.000
But I think it made to the number three New York Times bestseller list.
00:22:06.000
If you made a puppet of that in puppet school, you'd fail.
00:22:33.000
Bet you can't get fucked in the ass and walk at the same time.
00:22:40.000
He also says whom a lot, which is a pet peeve of mine.
00:22:43.000
But anyway, I edited a magazine for many years, so I'm very finicky about stupid mistakes.
00:22:49.000
Oh, my God, that woman deserves a fucking Nobel Dick Prize in cocksucking.
00:22:58.000
You want to come to them and go, who fucks you guys?
00:23:14.000
But yeah, it's a good sort of A to Z on how Antifa's not just an idea.
00:23:22.000
It blows out myths like they don't have a death toll.
00:23:26.000
And it explains their grand plan, which is to destroy America.
00:23:34.000
And I love this new assertion from Paul Joseph Watson, where he calls them the lumpen bourgeoisie, which is not included in this, and says that they're not the lumpen proletariat as they purport to be, but they're the lumpen bourgeoisie in that their parents are boomers.
00:23:50.000
They come from a meritocracy where you're rich because you busted your ass.
00:23:54.000
You had a great education because the greatest generation created your education.
00:23:57.000
But these kids are 250K in debt, a quarter mil in debt from NYU, totally skillless.
00:24:04.000
They know words like intersectionality that no one on earth in the real world says outside of academia.
00:24:11.000
And they realize, my mom and dad aren't going to support me forever.
00:24:15.000
I want to just drive off a cliff like Thelma and Louise.
00:24:41.000
Dude, if you rode to work today in a spaceship and you were wearing all Lycra and your name is X13428 and for lunch, you injected a UV into your arm, you are going to be known as painfully old-fashioned in 400 fucking years.
00:25:08.000
The other funny thing about this, too, is if you told Shakespeare, hey, man, people in 400 years are going to think you're old-fashioned.
00:25:19.000
He was basically a soap opera writer at the time.
00:25:23.000
So he was just churning out the plays, and he was happy that they were popular, maybe because there was nothing else going on.
00:25:30.000
And then he probably thought, if people still knew about my plays in 50 years, I'd come in my pants.
00:25:46.000
I saw a kid in the lineup, like a three-year-old.
00:25:49.000
And the whole purpose of your ashes is you came from ash and you're going back to ash.
00:25:53.000
And I was like, don't, please don't give your kid ashes.
00:26:13.000
How about we let him get to this age before we remind him that you're going to fucking die?
00:26:19.000
That was another part I didn't really like about it.
00:26:30.000
He's like, you could change your diet, but otherwise, I'm going to make a really dark one.
00:26:34.000
There was some people, some churches were using a Q-tip.
00:26:39.000
My buddy's church, they sprinkle the shit in your hair.
00:26:44.000
And then our guy had the thumb and the rub, and then he would wipe like a disinfectant towel thing and then do another one.
00:26:56.000
I'm going to spread COVID from my ashy forehead to your ashy forehead.
00:27:03.000
It's not really known for transmitting disease.
00:27:06.000
God, you should have seen the old lady lighting the candles too.
00:27:09.000
Her legs, her legs, her hands were rocks, right?
00:27:12.000
Until she got up to light the candle and she had like one of these Bic extension things and she was like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
00:27:19.000
And it was so, I guess it was like Parkinson's.
00:27:22.000
And we're all watching like, and then she gives up on the Bic and she lights a match and it was just like, it was like naked and afraid in a hailstorm.
00:27:33.000
Just and then she kept trying to get it on the candle and she was about to burn her finger.
00:27:41.000
So I go, okay, so you have like Billy Connolly level Parkinson's.
00:27:45.000
And then I see her walking and I'm watching her hands like a hawk and they're just like dead rock mittens.
00:27:50.000
So why is it when you go to light, you start freaking out?
00:27:53.000
And then I told Maddie this and he goes, why don't you go help her?
00:27:56.000
I was like, it's not really like, it's not like she was at the back.
00:28:02.000
She was at the very front by the steps with all the Jesus and everything.
00:28:05.000
And I'm going to get up and walk up two like white ivory steps and go, you need to end with that?
00:28:12.000
That's like getting on stage and helping a fucking, helping, who was it who fell off the stage and really fucked himself up?
00:28:23.000
All right, so we're supposed to get this in within the first five minutes.
00:28:27.000
We managed to get it in within the first 30 minutes while we're ending the free portion of the show.
00:28:33.000
Johnny Apple CBD, proud patriot-owned, our first guys here.
00:28:47.000
Cannot recommend enough the CBD, the topical for when your muscles ache.
00:28:53.000
There's also the tinctures to take the edge off your coffee.
00:28:55.000
There's also the gummies to help you sleep at night, relax.
00:28:58.000
Say you wake up in the middle of the night and you have the terrors or you're just staring at the ceiling worried about life.
00:29:05.000
Take the concentrates, the topical I just mentioned.
00:29:17.000
And a lot of that is the THC because it gets you high.
00:29:23.000
There's something magical about pot devoid of the illegal part of it.
00:29:30.000
And if you're a CBD user, why are you using anything but these guys have been supporting us since the day we started and all our advertisers get hassled?
00:29:51.000
I'm here to cause trouble if that's what needs be.
00:30:48.000
I don't get my money's worth out of hard liquor.
00:31:05.000
Tim is the guy who made our awesome War Vet sculpture.
00:31:16.000
And you know what I like about this is you look like a useless fag, which is totally accurate.
00:31:48.000
There's individual bullets in there, individual bullets.
00:31:55.000
We had the 50 cal at home, and my son was like, what's the longest that this has ever shot?
00:32:11.000
I mean like would you even hear the probably after you get hit?
00:32:20.000
You probably hear the poo because the speed of sound.
00:32:32.000
So I looked it up and it was, yeah, it was all like 2.2 miles.
00:32:42.000
But I couldn't help but notice they were all white males.
00:32:52.000
But that is a pattern I noticed that no one else would mention.
00:32:58.000
And to stay focused takes an incredible amount of courage and self-discipline.
00:33:13.000
More than a mile and a half stand between Harrison and his.
00:33:42.000
I guess because I'm so British and I'd be talking to Tommy Robinson.
00:33:46.000
I was like, uh-oh, I don't want what happened to you to happen here.
00:33:49.000
Let's hope we don't have an influx of jihadists.
00:34:08.000
We were listening to Mitch Hedberg in the car, which is kind of bad because he swears.
00:34:14.000
And you don't want your eight-year-old to be hearing fucking all the time.
00:34:18.000
But Johnny, my eight-year-old, sitting in his booster seat after we turned it off, started doing his own Mitch Hedberg.
00:34:27.000
And he said, and I quote, this is my son doing Mitch Hedberg.
00:34:50.000
And I was like, you couldn't have heard that before.
00:34:56.000
I think he started swearing later on in his career.
00:34:59.000
I remember one time his girlfriend, who I'm told fed him the heroine that killed him, was criticizing me online once.
00:35:06.000
And back when I was on Twitter, I could go, yeah, didn't you kill Mitch Hedberg?
00:35:16.000
But play a little bit of Mitch so people know what we're talking about.
00:35:32.000
You know, if you had a couple fingers missing, you would draw a screwed up turkey.
00:35:42.000
When a bar has black lights, everybody looks very cool.
00:35:46.000
Because I was under the impression that the mustard stain came out.
00:35:54.000
I think Pizza Hut is the cockiest pizza chain on the planet.
00:35:57.000
Because Pizza Hut will accept all competitors' coupons.
00:36:15.000
Coupon not go to any of the Mitch's Pizza locations.
00:36:28.000
Oh, yeah, here's one other thing before we get involved in the news.
00:36:36.000
Okay, folks at home was making us our news bumper.
00:37:00.000
Here, let's just both go do, do, do, do, do a bunch.
00:37:20.000
But before we get into that, holy fucking Howard Stern and his cunt wife, he, just like he criticized everyone for, he dumped his wife, abandoned his children for a trophy wife.
00:37:34.000
She obviously has trouble with her maternal instincts, so he has her working at a kitten rescue where they have, I don't know, 37 cats in their house.
00:37:44.000
So that quells her maternal instinct, but she's got the money.
00:37:47.000
He's making 90 million a year, so she can go shopping and go on fun trips.
00:37:51.000
But when you get a trophy wife, ask Jimmy Kimmel, David Letterman, et cetera.
00:37:58.000
And you don't get invited to Chelsea Handler's or Sarah Silverman or fucking Bill Maher's dinner party if you're rational and you want a small government and you don't trust big tech.
00:38:30.000
Hey, Beth, I have a mouse in my house with one eye.
00:38:42.000
Do you want to give a fucking cat liver transplant surgery?
00:38:49.000
And his heart is as strong as ever, and he helps me in the foster room take care of the kittens.
00:38:56.000
He corrals them back into the foster room if they escape.
00:39:00.000
He literally does my job when I leave the foster room.
00:39:07.000
Owning kittens is just people without allergies hanging around at home.
00:39:15.000
Wouldn't he like to be part of a 45-year-old broth legacy?
00:39:22.000
But isn't she freaked out that I had a chicken sandwich for lunch?
00:39:33.000
Where they're all eating dogs and cats right now?
00:39:36.000
Like, shouldn't you be waving a sword, running through Asia like you're fucking Genghis Khan?
00:39:45.000
Anyway, there's no logic to a trophy wife's tiny brain.
00:39:49.000
See, that's why these big stars are total cucks because they're just appeasing their wives.
00:39:56.000
So his shit was, and this is a common liberal take on Texas failing yesterday.
00:40:02.000
No, Texas didn't fail because of liberals and solar power and wind energy.
00:40:18.000
She said that what happened in Texas is an argument for the Green New Deal.
00:40:25.000
Now, allow me to help you out with this because I speak asshole.
00:40:30.000
There was wind power and there was solar, right?
00:40:34.000
The solar didn't work because it was covered in snow.
00:40:38.000
The wind turbines didn't work because they froze.
00:40:42.000
So what you should have had is some sort of giant windshield wiper scenario for the solar panels.
00:40:50.000
Somehow the solar energy, and by the way, I lived in a solar house.
00:40:54.000
I bought a house off of hippie in Costa Rica when we first sold Vice in 99.
00:41:10.000
But living under solar power, and solar guys will tell you, oh, that was back in 2000.
00:41:22.000
And if you did your laundry that day in your tiny little laundry machine, say goodbye to listening to music that night.
00:41:33.000
And if you were frivolous, like you fucking blared music in the morning, well, just tonight is a caveman's night.
00:41:46.000
And then we got a pool eventually and we just had to fucking give up.
00:41:55.000
You see these stupid backpacks that have solar power on them?
00:41:59.000
They might charge one of your pubes if you had Verizon Fios for pubes.
00:42:09.000
But I think that phone would probably have to be outside for three days to fucking charge.
00:42:17.000
And anyone who's making money in solar is making money off of government grants.
00:42:20.000
They're not actually making money in the real free market.
00:42:23.000
So anyway, I guess AOC and Howard Stern's plan is that there's this giant, I don't know, like wipers that come down.
00:42:34.000
They're not going to be able to handle ice and sleet, so they can only handle like powdery snow.
00:42:38.000
But anyway, the power for the is definitely 110% of what the solar panels themselves are creating.
00:42:47.000
So that's infrastructure, according to AOC and Stern.
00:42:50.000
And then for the fucking wind turbines, I don't know, you have like tubes of antifreeze that come out and maybe start spraying all the gears when it gets too cold out.
00:43:08.000
Everything was going great until the cunts are in control.
00:43:11.000
But Stern wouldn't stop talking today about, you idiots.
00:43:20.000
They believe in freedom, but you need the government.
00:43:25.000
And I just, can you not have someone on there on your show to go, actually, no, you don't.
00:43:29.000
Energy thrives in the free market, and it's hampered by the government.
00:43:34.000
How do you think we got to fracking in the first place?
00:43:38.000
And then someone called up from, and he's talking about Hillbilly.
00:43:43.000
Same way he resents Germans because he blames them for World War II.
00:43:47.000
He's a New Yorker in the most traditional, shitty liberal sense.
00:43:50.000
But he knows a huge swath of his argument are Southerners, so that's why he has that guy Richard on to try to help them.
00:43:56.000
But the guy calls up a Texan and he has a Southern accent.
00:44:02.000
Everyone with a Jewish Long Island accent is smart.
00:44:08.000
So the guy calls up, he's from Texas, and he's like, yeah, you're really going on about Texans and how bad we are at electing people and how we got to elect people with a brain.
00:44:19.000
And then Stern goes, look, I'm not a politician.
00:44:23.000
I made my career doing fart jokes and talking about I am Jazz's pussy.
00:44:30.000
And then the Texan goes, the dumb Texan goes, oh, how convenient.
00:44:35.000
Now that it doesn't work out for you and your buddies, then now you don't know about politics anymore.
00:44:45.000
And I was just like, I was surprised actually that Baba Bowie let that caller through because he fucking summarized Howard Stern's hypocrisy perfectly.
00:45:02.000
Texans would have had new problems this week if they had access to fucking energy.
00:45:39.000
Is it like Jerry Nadler where no one can bear to fuck him?
00:45:47.000
You probably like him because you are an infant.
00:45:50.000
But whenever his buddy would come out, the clown guy with the vest.
00:45:56.000
Because I would have to watch it with all three kids over the years.
00:46:02.000
And I would look at Mr. Noodles and just think, dude, I think I'd rather do gay porn than live your life.
00:46:10.000
Sometimes we had to listen to, what's it called?
00:46:14.000
Kids Place Live in the car when my kids were younger.
00:46:16.000
And I would just think of all these people on their acoustic guitars going, and B is a letter that's got your number.
00:46:29.000
My kids adore them, and they've enriched my children's lives.
00:46:33.000
But how the fuck could you make children's music for a living?
00:46:45.000
Never really had very much get up and go-ho-ho.
00:47:08.000
It's party day in Wiggletown, which means we have party balloons.
00:47:13.000
It's party day in Wiggletown, which means party balloons.
00:47:37.000
I want my two-year-old to have something to look at.
00:47:47.000
This is basically your dad is sucking a cock to make you happy.
00:48:05.000
I mean, women are more predisposed to do this kind of thing than men, but you're a grown man.
00:48:09.000
There's this viral video going on of a guy in an oil rig, like moving the fucking giant pipes that go from this thing to the other thing because it already finished that well.
00:48:26.000
Like, those are the kind of things that young men look up to.
00:49:00.000
It's a band that were clearly a failed Canadian kind of a rush band.
00:49:05.000
And so they still did the, yeah, there they are.
00:49:07.000
They still did their same songs, but they made it like it's getting kind of, it's really apparent that it's hard to be a parent.
00:49:33.000
We all must clap when I do the rap called clap rap.
00:49:48.000
Also to travel with your friends and get wasted.
00:49:50.000
Maybe number six on the list is to make a song.
00:49:58.000
Nothing else is on the list and the song is half a fag.
00:50:04.000
All right, it's over to Buddy Goodfellow for the snap rap.
00:50:18.000
When you lie in bed at night, you must feel horrible.
00:50:29.000
Remember the guy yesterday said, would you rather kiss Ryan's butt cheek every day?
00:50:36.000
Those guys are kissing kids' butt cheeks, metaphorically.
00:50:41.000
And also when you meet your fans, it's like, oh my god, like Steve from Blues Clues or The Wiggles.
00:50:49.000
Steve fucked a girl that fucked the Blues Clues guy.
00:51:00.000
I'm told that that guy would just inhale mountains of cannabis.
00:51:09.000
Does anyone think that I'm Steve from Blue Schools?
00:51:11.000
We put it in our note because they're whose clues?
00:51:20.000
When I'm in shape and skinny, people think I'm Moby.
00:51:35.000
Like, I remember when it first happened, my mom called me crying to be.
00:51:40.000
Which is probably why he could no longer do blues clues.
00:51:51.000
I don't think people, even at my age, you kind of have to be 55 to recognize the impact that Rush Limbaugh had.
00:51:59.000
Rush Limbaugh was around pre-Fox News, and you think that conservatives are being sequestered now?
00:52:07.000
No, that's been going on for a long fucking time.
00:52:11.000
And so we were driven, we didn't have Fox News, and I say we, I wasn't even really conservative then, but our not lefts, as I like to call us, were driven away into the outskirts.
00:52:22.000
And it was like, no, you can't do TV, you can't do newsprint, we don't want you to have a voice at all.
00:52:40.000
And so not only did Rush take a dead medium like talk radio and let conservatives bloom there until I don't like there wouldn't be GOML.
00:52:52.000
There wouldn't, I don't think there'd be Opi and Anthony without Rush Limbaugh.
00:52:56.000
He sort of created a space where you could not kiss ass the way that Howard Stern does and talk about how you need big government and you need infrastructure.
00:53:06.000
He sort of invented the concept of a safe space for the not lefts.
00:53:12.000
And not only did he do that, but he fucking kicked ass at it.
00:53:17.000
So he, talk radio before Fox News was the only place you could go to not get bombarded with leftist dogma.
00:53:24.000
And not only did he have a little hideout like me or Michael Savage or Adam Carolla, but he made it as big as mainstream media.
00:53:34.000
They threw him in the garbage and said, you can go take a shit in there, you fucking homeless piece of shit.
00:53:44.000
And then all of a sudden, everyone's peeking into the dumpster going, wow, it's nice in here.
00:53:53.000
You know, people think he was snatched away from us.
00:53:57.000
But 70 is, I'm not going to be screaming at anyone if I go at 70.
00:54:05.000
I'd like to go to 80, but 75, I think, is what all men my age are hoping for.
00:54:15.000
And as you can see here, getting the, whatever it's called, the Guy is Awesome award from the president.
00:54:28.000
And I saw, of course, the left is dancing on its grave as they're want to do.
00:54:35.000
Maybe you can create a montage of me shitting on dead liberals.
00:54:41.000
But liberals, good riddance, I think, is trending on Twitter right now.
00:54:48.000
I wouldn't say I was happy that Rush Lima died.
00:54:50.000
It's more like euphoria, says a faculty member at Yale Law.
00:54:55.000
You know, the impartial Yale Law School where they're focused on the Constitution and the law.
00:55:02.000
You know, the only thing they can come up with, too, to say he was a terrible person?
00:55:06.000
He said that maybe one of the reasons that Michael J. Fox has such bad Parkinson's is because of Coke.
00:55:19.000
A lot of people who partied hard in the 80s are going like this, not including the woman who was trying to light candles at my church today.
00:55:28.000
Another thing too, when Howard Stern was bitching about science and how important it is, he goes, you got these fucking rednecks.
00:55:34.000
You got these rednecks saying that we should have more carbon dioxide because it'll give more plant life.
00:55:43.000
Patrick Green, I think his name is, the guy who started Greenpeace or Earth First or whatever, the Canadian guy, fucking genius.
00:55:52.000
He talks about how important carbon monoxide, dioxide, carbon dioxide is to our environment and how crucial it is and how we need it.
00:56:01.000
So if you're going to shit on people who don't follow the science, maybe have a rebuttal.
00:56:07.000
So that's the worst Rush Limbaugh did was criticize Michael J. Fox.
00:56:23.000
And then he started saying, I fucking, and he started calling the guy fuckface.
00:56:27.000
And then he goes, I'm trying to save people here.
00:56:35.000
He got so mad that the curtain came back and he started doing a southern voice.
00:56:44.000
Look at the tweets about Rush Lima today and understand that people aren't being hyperbolic when they say the left wants you dead over your political beliefs.
00:56:55.000
If you ever got like brained and someone smashed a cinder block on your head and there was some incredibly gory picture of your brains hanging out, that would become a meme and there'd be like writing around your dead skull.
00:57:16.000
The thing about Rush Limbaugh is he wasn't the zealot that he came across as.
00:57:26.000
His background wasn't in politics or a political movement.
00:57:30.000
That explains the right-wing media right there.
00:57:43.000
Remember when I said when you get to my age, you see old guys and you don't see them as authority figures.
00:57:48.000
You see them as the DOLT they were in high school?
00:57:53.000
I see him not playing with us, not having fun, talking to a girl as a friend because he has a crush on her, but she actually just sees him as a friend and is talking to him because she likes his friend's friend.
00:58:09.000
And so much of these guys, when they finally get to contribute, it becomes revenge of the hurt.
00:58:15.000
But let's go back to his asinine statement, shall we?
00:58:22.000
The thing about Rush Limbaugh is he wasn't the zealot that he came across as.
00:58:26.000
You guys made him into a zealot because you're fucking paranoid.
00:58:33.000
For example, because one dude had a sweatshirt that's at Camp Auschwitz at the Capitol, you think every single person that went to DC on January 6th is an anti-Semite Holocaust denier because you're a fucking imbecile.
00:58:46.000
So you create this straw man, and then you say Rush wasn't the straw man that we made him into.
00:59:01.000
No, Rush did it for the love of the American people.
00:59:08.000
Let's see you do three hours a day, totally unscripted.
00:59:11.000
I mean, I occasionally go off script, but I still have my little news bites here to get to.
00:59:18.000
Tucker Carlson writes all his own stuff, but he's still reading what he wrote.
00:59:27.000
Oh my God, I got to use that joke on parlor today.
00:59:30.000
Today, America is like a girls' record collection.
00:59:44.000
Once you get rid of an app, I don't know how you get it back on your shit.
00:59:51.000
I don't know if they're allowed on the app store.
00:59:52.000
Today, America is like a girls record collection.
01:00:10.000
And then I'm going to go R.I.P. know that I like the guy.
01:00:17.000
Today America is like a girls' record collection.
01:00:27.000
So yeah, when someone sits for fucking decades and talks off the dome about how much he loves America for three hours a day, give it a whirl.
01:00:43.000
All these people who trivialize pundits are usually talking about assholes who fart out a sound bite.
01:00:52.000
But the ones who sit there on talk radio for hours and hours a day, you inevitably get the real guy.
01:01:00.000
You can't be a phony for hours and hours of fucking day.
01:01:07.000
After about 10 minutes, I get on my own nerves and I have to go back to my own accent.
01:01:13.000
And just because someone changed their politics or wasn't always like that, doesn't mean they're being insincere.
01:01:18.000
I heard Michael Savage was a liberal and they go, well, he went conservative.
01:01:30.000
The money in America today has been since the 80s to kiss liberal ass.
01:01:37.000
I could have made hundreds of millions more dollars than I've made if I had just always kissed lefty ass.
01:01:47.000
My fucking website, censored.tv, is like a cornered rat, and we're still having to fend off all the assholes on a regular basis.
01:01:55.000
If I came out and renounced Trump, denounced the Proud Boys, said I've been brainwashed by the right, and oh my God, I look back at the things I said, I'm disgusted.
01:02:12.000
Because just like the Never Trumpers in the Lincoln Project, when they're not fucking kids, they're seen as a valuable asset to the left.
01:02:19.000
So I'd actually be more valuable than if I'd always been a liberal.
01:02:23.000
Because it'd be like even a shithead Nazi like Gavin McInnis hates the right and hates Trump.
01:02:34.000
Sean Hannity, I don't know what he's worth, half a billion?
01:02:40.000
He probably makes $3 to $5 million at Fox a year, which is peanuts compared to how much money he's made in commercial real estate.
01:02:57.000
And he has some of the finest property in the Northeast, especially in New York.
01:03:08.000
I've made a couple bucks, but I talk to guys that are good at it.
01:03:12.000
And to hear the way they talk about all these conditions to determine a good sell and a good investment, it's just, it's more complex in the stock market, I'd argue.
01:03:28.000
But he focuses on media because that's his passion.
01:03:33.000
He was on a college radio station when he was in college.
01:03:40.000
Like the left is so into a narrative, if it sounds good.
01:03:49.000
They're dancing on his grave by the thousands as we speak.
01:04:05.000
He could be at his daughter's gymnastics or lacrosse or whatever it is, spend a lot more time with his family.
01:04:16.000
I don't have to carry water for him, but I'm not going to be ignorant and deny the truth.
01:04:21.000
And the truth is that that guy is a fucking genius, ball-busting, overachiever, just like his kids, who doesn't need to do this.
01:04:32.000
And if he was stripped of everything and he only did a podcast, he'd still do it.
01:04:40.000
He did a vid cast from his basement, even though he had more than enough money to retire on.
01:04:45.000
So fuck you for saying that these people are just doing it for the money.
01:04:50.000
Just like Hannity and Company, his background wasn't into politics.
01:04:53.000
Yeah, my background wasn't into politics at all until you fucking let Muslims blow up the World Trade Center.
01:05:05.000
The only reason that person's in commercial real estate is to make money.
01:05:13.000
All those bankers, all those day traders, all they want to do is make money.
01:05:26.000
If you're making money, you must be only in it to make money.
01:05:33.000
It actually makes me dislike Joe's, which I don't enjoy because I know a lot of good Joes.
01:05:45.000
Signing off with a final notable quote from Joe Biden during this town hall this evening.
01:05:58.000
So he's saying that all Kaylee's doing is mocking his typo.
01:06:06.000
It's got nothing to do with child molestation, but he's taking it there and he's making it a common pizza thing.
01:06:20.000
Column comms for Clinton, whatever the fuck that means.
01:06:24.000
No, CNN political analyst communications for Clinton.
01:06:29.000
Wait, is there a, should there be a comma there?
01:06:30.000
CNN political analyst comma, communications for Clinton White House.
01:06:35.000
Yeah, there should be a comma there, you fucking imbecile.
01:06:38.000
Communications for Clinton, White House, Facebook, NFL, founder GPG.
01:06:47.000
And of course, he's over at Politico if you want to check him out.
01:07:04.000
President Clinton did not want the head of the FBI in office, thought that he had a political agenda against him, but he didn't fire him.
01:07:19.000
I'm sure Clinton voluntarily put an arch enemy into his administration because he's just such a fair dude.
01:07:28.000
And I don't care that he stuck a cigar up some dude, bitch's twat.
01:07:34.000
And he was a fiscal conservative, and I'm much more concerned with that than I am about your sexual proclivities.
01:07:47.000
I can't believe the job that your super helmet did.
01:07:58.000
Yeah, I didn't make it a Q. Oh, it's pretty cute.
01:08:00.000
Q. I would have fired you if you abbreviated Q to Q. No, no, no.
01:08:26.000
In February, you introduced the assault weapons ban and law enforcement detection act.
01:08:42.000
And then they decided that America should just have one side of the story at our news source.
01:08:51.000
Did they help polarize this country by only featuring one side?
01:08:55.000
Or did they realize the country was headed that way and they should only do one side?
01:09:00.000
I was with Ann Coulter once at Keene Steakhouse and Lawrence was there.
01:09:31.000
We spent probably $60,000 on liberal guests trying to encourage a civil discussion.
01:09:44.000
It's definitely exciting, you know, but yeah, I wonder if it's publicity.
01:09:48.000
No one's ever, people are petrified to discuss censored.tv in the media because they don't want to promote my shit.
01:09:53.000
But no one went like, I got to admit, at least he had this and this.
01:09:57.000
Actually, I saw someone criticizing Cornell West and going, the problem with Cornell West is he thinks he's being open-minded, but he ends up giving Nazis a platform.
01:10:06.000
I forget what that was, and then Gavin McInnes' network, which again is verboten to name.
01:10:15.000
So this is Tucker on CNN talking about a woman who is pushing for a gun bill that she knows absolutely nothing about, and it includes, what do you call that thing, the chamber doohickey that goes around the end of the barrel,
01:10:37.000
I guess the top of the gun gets hot, and then you have the barrel shroud so you don't touch the hot part.
01:10:41.000
I'm sounding as dumb as her, but I'm not pushing legislation against it.
01:11:10.000
I don't know the sound it makes when it takes a man's life.
01:11:20.000
If I were you, I would have that more ready to rock.
01:11:32.000
In February, you introduced the Assault Weapons Ban and Law Enforcement Protection Act of 2007.
01:11:37.000
It would regulate semi-ematic assault weapons, including weapons that have pistol grips, a forward grip, and something called a barrel shred.
01:11:44.000
Weapons with a barrel shred would be regulated.
01:11:49.000
I think the more important thing is that it also would have been banned to the launch capacity clips.
01:12:00.000
I read the legislation that said that it would regulate barrel shreds.
01:12:03.000
What's a barrel shredded and why should we regulate them?
01:12:05.000
The guns that were chosen in those days were basically the guns that most committees and criminals were using to kill police officers.
01:12:17.000
That was the best meeting that we did at this particular time.
01:12:28.000
So she says it's the shoulder thing that goes up.
01:12:32.000
Now, a rifle, I guess a heavy rifle, it has a little clip at the back that you can rest on your shoulder.
01:12:37.000
I guess if you feel that it's too heavy and you want to be more accurate.
01:12:40.000
Again, I know you fucking Southerners are laughing at me right now.
01:12:46.000
She said it was the shoulder thing that goes up.
01:12:48.000
What's the matter with the shoulder thing that goes up?
01:12:50.000
You want the criminals who shoot cops with 22s to get so tired that the barrel goes up?
01:13:01.000
He appeared on this really cool show recently talking about that.
01:13:08.000
Yeah, I wasn't familiar with this, but I've since become addicted to it.
01:13:12.000
And these guys are just some fun, good old boys.
01:13:32.000
And this whole channel was under threat because YouTube was going to do something, you know, demonetizing gun.
01:13:45.000
Oh, thank God I didn't start taking calls too early.
01:13:50.000
HR 127, which we've heard about in some other capacities, and we knew it was bad news, but I hadn't looked into exactly what it entails, and it is fucking spooky.
01:14:10.000
Every gun owner will have three months to report all owned guns, make, model, and serial number.
01:14:20.000
All the info above is put into a database which the general public will have access to.
01:14:28.000
You list that you have two handguns, I don't know, in the front closet, right?
01:14:35.000
I have two handguns there, and then I have a fucking AR-50 upstairs in the guest bedroom under the bed, right?
01:14:48.000
And they go, I'm going to wait till the car's out of the garage, case it for a while, make sure the dog isn't home, and then I'm going to go in.
01:14:59.000
I don't really want another rifle, but I can't have enough handguns.
01:15:02.000
So he goes to the handguns that are listed as public knowledge.
01:15:07.000
So in other words, you better get a fucking safe.
01:15:14.000
So you've got a gun to protect yourself and your family.
01:15:20.000
So now in a way, your family's more vulnerable because your house is going to get broken into when you're not there because you've had to publicly list exactly what guns you have and where they are.
01:15:38.000
You need to get a license to have any gun at all.
01:15:51.000
You have to be 21 years old, pass a background check, psych evaluation.
01:15:56.000
Maybe there's a domestic violence in your past.
01:16:00.000
And then you have to purchase an insurance policy for $800 a year.
01:16:03.000
You won't be able to get a license if you're evaluated to be mentally unfit, diagnosed with depression, any brain disease.
01:16:09.000
If the evaluators think you have an alcohol problem, that's not just me.
01:16:15.000
That's everyone with a Mick in their last name.
01:16:19.000
And the evaluators can contact and interview your family, even your exes, to determine if you're mentally sound.
01:16:25.000
I'm sure all of us have an ex-wife who's totally fair when it comes to assessing our well-being and holds no bitterness towards us when we're being evaluated.
01:16:42.000
I know people with black powder guns, they're like 150 years old.
01:16:47.000
Some parchment signed by the sheriff of Earl of Sussex County?
01:16:53.000
With us all burnt around the edges like the Bill of Rights?
01:16:56.000
Who the hell the fuck do you have a record of that?
01:16:59.000
All old guns are like your grandfather dies, he gives it to your uncle, then your uncle's getting old.
01:17:07.000
He knows you like it, he gives it to you, then you give it to your son.
01:17:13.000
Oh, and you're getting big shit too if you have an old-timey gun and ammunition.
01:17:17.000
And ammunition for an old-timey gun, I'm not just talking about little handheld pistols, but the long-arm ones.
01:17:23.000
How many fucking bank robbies have they been involved in?
01:17:28.000
So say you have the black powder gun and then the ammunition for a black powder gun is black powder, a fucking ball bearing, the little magnesium thing, flint doohickey, and then a little piece of cloth that makes the ball a perfect seal,
01:17:56.000
What about military-style weapons, which of course are just your dad's deer gun spray-painted black.
01:18:02.000
You need a separate permit for those, and you'll only be allowed magazines that hold 10 rounds or less.
01:18:09.000
So, what is the government going to do if people violate this?
01:18:11.000
The government will impose intense fines starting at 50 grand.
01:18:39.000
Please, please contact your local representative and don't get this to go through.
01:18:56.000
You have to register your black powder gun if your ex says you're an alcoholic.
01:19:02.000
And if you violate that, how many fucking people have an old-timey gun?
01:19:06.000
You can't display it in your house, by the way, which is like, well, why do I have it now?
01:19:10.000
So when a home intruder comes, I have to go, oh yeah, buddy?
01:19:32.000
It's not going to get shut down, apparently, but they were threatened, maybe demonetized.
01:19:44.000
Because I'm really into M1 Garands, the World War II rifles, and he shoots the hell out of them.
01:19:50.000
I think that's an M1 by Springfield, like SOCOM.
01:19:58.000
I feel like someone's touching my anus involuntarily.
01:20:02.000
I found that they're actually like, they're kind of like obsolete, but I still like them.
01:20:18.000
We're going to do a little basics, quick video explaining the difference between a barrel shroud and a shoulder thing that goes up.
01:20:33.000
And when I hear the term barrel shroud or S-T-T-G-U, shoulder thing that goes up, I know we're in an unsafe environment.
01:20:41.000
That right there is a species of barrel shroud, correct?
01:20:45.000
And this right here is a shoulder thing that goes up.
01:20:48.000
Both of these features have been banned in various states.
01:20:54.000
If you're firing a gun to the point where it gets hot, you're dangerous.
01:20:59.000
Oh, oh, if you have a shoulder thing that goes up, it's not clear why that's bad, but it is.
01:21:06.000
Maybe it's because if you have to have a rifle that is so heavy that you are not able to support it yourself, then...
01:21:16.000
And if you're not singing your palms, it's logical in a sick way.
01:21:23.000
You'll notice there are no burns on those palms.
01:21:36.000
I just pulled the trigger and pointed it at you.
01:21:48.000
Imagine they put that in like a Gavin McKinnis.
01:21:52.000
That's some good news and some bad news, Mr. McInnis.
01:21:53.000
Your gun permit has gone through, but there is a size restriction.
01:21:58.000
Anyway, here's the gun you can have in your home.
01:22:03.000
If you ever get gang raped by mice, you should be able to kill a third of them.
01:22:09.000
That is a small gun that will not shoot regular people.
01:22:24.000
This is what we call an assault rifle or a weapon of war, if you will.
01:22:29.000
With this feature right here, this barrel shroud.
01:22:32.000
I have seen guns like this on their own remove themselves from a safe and commit atrocities.
01:22:41.000
If I could criticize Tucker, I'm not bananas about his leisure wear.
01:22:48.000
That little overcoat, it's very private school.
01:22:54.000
Is he trying to go for like a, that's a worker's kind of coat?
01:22:56.000
I think he's such a, he doesn't do our thing where we blue-collar LARP.
01:23:00.000
So he doesn't want to wear a car heart because it looks disingenuous.
01:23:05.000
That's one of those ones at a small little county shop.
01:23:07.000
You can get like a quick little over-shirt jacket.
01:23:10.000
I don't care if you're rich, your dad owns Swanson or your stepdad, your father-in-law, whatever.
01:23:18.000
You may be married into money, but don't dress money in the woods.
01:23:26.000
You should have a t-shirt, a sweatshirt, a Todd Snyder sweatshirt, and a carhart.
01:23:31.000
And then you should have red wings on and jeans that are pencil...
01:23:52.000
If you have to have a rifle that is so heavy that you are not able to support it, those just jump off and get it.
01:23:58.000
You'll notice there are no burns on those palms.
01:24:01.000
With this feature right here, this barrel shroud.
01:24:36.000
One of our parishioners, priests, whatever you call him, today at Getting the Ashes was an African.
01:24:45.000
I know we make fun of the poopu, but I love Scottish, Jamaican, and African accents.
01:24:54.000
But I have to concede, my mind wanders in church, and I could not stop hearing about De Poo Pu.
01:25:01.000
We are here today on Ash Wednesday to talk about sacrifice and saying the word no.
01:25:13.000
I'm just putting other guys' words in his mouth.
01:25:17.000
He said, I saw this mother walking down the street and she was with toddlers and the four-year-old was throwing snow at his three-year-old daughter, I mean sister.
01:25:35.000
And as he was saying that, I thought, God damn it.
01:25:45.000
That's what America needs, is a lot of us telling ourselves no.
01:25:54.000
I know it's your comfy wear, but stop wearing fucking sweatpants.
01:25:58.000
There was a woman next to me wearing sweatpants in church.
01:26:03.000
Stop wearing, and you guys aren't New Yorkers, but Jesus H. Christ, there are so many fucking people in New York City proper in the day wearing pajamas, especially blacks and Hispanics, with hair curlers on,
01:26:18.000
sweatshirts, and slides with their socks, with like the lower, the ankle socks, and their toes are wet from the slush.
01:26:28.000
I want to just leave today without getting dressed.
01:26:36.000
We're in an epoch where denim is considered wildly uncomfortable.
01:26:44.000
Denim, I mean, besides the blue-collar guys of the 60s, denim was like for your lazy Sunday.
01:26:55.000
You should be wearing a suit when you're on the fucking plane.
01:27:07.000
It's for cheap rich guys where you can get a shirt for $50, tailor-made.
01:27:13.000
I like to go fancy with the fabrics and get as much as a $7,500 shirt.
01:27:24.000
I have to throw all my shirts in the garbage and all my pants.
01:27:28.000
And they said, they have a weird accent because they're in Hong Kong, but they're Indian.
01:27:31.000
So it's a little bit of a buddy, but it's also an international language, Mr. McInnis, Mr. Gavin.
01:27:44.000
So they said, we appreciate you giving us our business, sir, giving us new customers, promoting our business.
01:27:55.000
So when we built your suits, we built the pants with four inches to spare.
01:28:05.000
Well, obviously shipping, but we will handle it.
01:28:08.000
I'm like, I have 10 suits at least with you guys.
01:28:14.000
And then I did the reason I've been wearing a tie is because my fucking neck has expanded.
01:28:25.000
They have a little book there, like an old-fashioned, old-timey book that has Gavin McInnes on it in beautiful calligraphy.
01:28:31.000
And it has all my sizes, but it's got a nice grid to it where it shows how fat I'm getting.
01:28:38.000
And they're like, Mr. McInnes, you've put on an inch and a half around your waist.
01:28:48.000
And then my neck, give it another 15, like make it a 15 inch or whatever it is instead of like a 14 and a third.
01:28:54.000
Because I want to, for just once in my life, I want to have the top button done and have tons of breathing room.
01:29:00.000
They're like, sir, it looks very bad if you can fit a finger in your front.
01:29:11.000
Don't say you know what it's like, but say, I'm not saying that it don't look bad, but I understand.
01:29:21.000
I saw Britt Hume on Tucker the other night, and he had a clit.
01:29:25.000
Well, as men get older, they get this turkey neck, just like women.
01:29:29.000
So his top button was done up, but he had this like engorged clitoris hanging down over it.
01:29:39.000
So you go, you go, Britt, you don't have a tailor?
01:29:53.000
What if you're like, you went up to him and you're like, Britt, the fuck, dude?
01:29:57.000
You've got this thing hanging over your shirt and you go like this and he just goes, oh, and comes.
01:30:11.000
I do have a cock, but just like that dinosaur that has a brain in its head and then also another mini brain in its tail, I have my normal male genitalia, but I have a female clit right here.
01:30:24.000
Imagine him taking you to court and this is all red in front of people.
01:30:28.000
Your Honor, I didn't know I was rubbing a clit.
01:30:32.000
I've never heard of a dude having a clit in his neck.
01:30:45.000
I like how he's saying, I didn't know about that the Lincoln Project was fucking kids.
01:30:50.000
You know, it doesn't look good for him to shake his head during those allegations.
01:30:55.000
Because it just, the wobble on this guy's neck is Bonanski's.
01:31:07.000
He's just like the TMZ phony when they were interviewing Tessica.
01:31:11.000
He's like, so how are you doing, George, now that you put Gorilla Glue in your hair?
01:31:27.000
She's got more cunts outside of her pants than inside her pants.
01:31:36.000
She started a superhero duo called Clitneck and Cunt Face.
01:31:43.000
Yeah, so the daughter took back the allegations that the mom should go to.
01:31:49.000
She was like, listen, I'm going to take a break from social media.
01:31:56.000
Yeah, I think young people sort of have their parents wrapped around their finger, especially if they're public figures, where they probably realize I have the power to destroy you just by saying that you said the N-word, whether you did or not.
01:32:31.000
So, Gavin, if you leave the best tester, who's going to clean your toilets?
01:32:39.000
Who is going to be cleaning your toilets, Donald Trump?
01:32:49.000
Do you remember the time that you had the most hilarious moment ever, the hardest you've ever laughed?
01:33:20.000
So you remember the time you had the funniest moment where you had the most incapacitation due to laughter?
01:33:30.000
I think it may have been when I was in the special class in grade eight, as we say in Canada, when someone said, it's called pressing a ham, Mr. Gunn.
01:33:48.000
We were doing a forestry survey from an airplane.
01:33:53.000
So this has to do with Solon Valor and also war movies.
01:34:05.000
He called himself, his handle was like Navy Teeth.
01:34:10.000
And the guy that runs the camera, the operator, his name is Joe.
01:34:23.000
Somebody undercut him with a parachute and he ended up with a back injury.
01:34:32.000
Navy Pete, he flunked out of Navy boot camps because he had IBS.
01:34:42.000
But his identity, but his identity was he was a naval airman.
01:34:46.000
Anyway, we're driving in the freaking middle of nowhere in Quebec trying to set up a stationary point for our survey.
01:34:56.000
He's got a CD that he made of soundtracks from war movies.
01:35:03.000
So we're trying to entertain ourselves and we're listening.
01:35:08.000
So I mean, you could probably list off 15 or 20 or maybe 50 war movies with your status.
01:35:21.000
Is this from Thin Red Line or what are all these movies?
01:35:45.000
And I swear I almost had a heart attack from laughter.
01:36:09.000
Dude, your story reeks so bad you should give it a bath after your daughter gets out of there.
01:36:32.000
Vinny Stigma is everyone in New York is scared of him.
01:36:35.000
And it's sort of like Chuck Zito, where when you start talking about him, people go, but I cannot resist telling this story.
01:36:42.000
So he was in the band Cro-Mags, Sick of It All?
01:36:48.000
So they're on tour, and this is back in the 80s.
01:36:54.000
I hope he doesn't fucking kill me telling this story.
01:37:02.000
He does not have the Fields Medal in mathematics.
01:37:05.000
And he's in the van, and they're listening to whatever 899 FM as they tour.
01:37:12.000
And they're on their way to, I believe, Detroit.
01:37:15.000
And he passes out in the van, and then he wakes up freaking out.
01:37:27.000
And he points to the radio and the dash and he goes, it's 8.99.
01:37:42.000
it's got New York hardcore tattooed to his head.
01:37:44.000
Now, that's just Vinny tired, making a silly semantic mistake.
01:37:52.000
He had a tattoo shop in New York when they were illegal, which, by the way, tattoos are officially legal in New York City in like 2003.
01:38:10.000
No one wants to see fucking agnostic front live.
01:38:19.000
Like we're touring with these younger bands, you know, and we always like, we're always nice to, I know, I'm always nice to them, and I always make them feel comfortable.
01:38:27.000
And always my backstage, if they're on tour with me, that backstage is yours, too.
01:38:43.000
Whatever band it might be, take offense, which we're going on tour with in California.
01:38:49.000
Derek Beccles and I went on tour with the band The Unicorns, and we did sort of a stand-up comedy thing where I would show do's and don'ts with a projector, a PowerPoint, and then he would show TV Carnage with a PowerPoint.
01:39:05.000
And we were in Boston, and we had done a few dates, and we were being treated like the opening band, even though I'm way older than fucking Nick Unicorn, who's a cool guy, by the way.
01:39:16.000
Probably hates me now, but he was a good guy, and it was nice of him to set this up, but whatever.
01:39:20.000
His tour manager would treat us like we were little kids, lucky to be on tour with the unicorns.
01:39:29.000
It's nice of us to go on tour with some other little kids.
01:39:33.000
And, you know, we're all, like, I was probably 40 six back then.
01:39:52.000
And the tour of engineer goes, and he touches my beer.
01:39:57.000
And then he puts his finger so I can't open it and holds it closed.
01:40:06.000
And he's like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
01:40:14.000
And I just got in the car and drove four hours from Boston or whatever it was back home.
01:40:21.000
And Derek was like, some of us need the money, dude.
01:40:41.000
I don't mean to disparage him, but his fucking tour manager was.
01:40:45.000
It's all these like business types, you know, what they're fucking doing.
01:40:50.000
They were staying at a hotel, and I'm like, Jesus, we're staying at a hotel every night.
01:40:55.000
And he goes, no, I have this happen, hotels.com or whatever it was.
01:40:59.000
And what you do is you look when we're done the show tonight at like 11, and they're so desperate to unload, you get something for nothing.
01:41:13.000
So we try that and we find this five-star hotel and it was like 60 bucks.
01:41:18.000
So Derek and I head over there and we get into the lobby.
01:41:30.000
And there's zebra prints everywhere and leopard prints and fucking spears on the wall and stuff.
01:41:43.000
And then we get to the hotel room and it's also got like red satin sheets and stuff.
01:41:48.000
Luckily we had two beds or we would have ended up fucking because it was so seductive.
01:41:55.000
And that's when I saw the Tyler Perry movie where the dude is in the hot tub and he's paralyzed.
01:42:03.000
And I'd never watched a Tyler Perry movie before and that overacting is, that was actually the birth of the term blackting, where we realized blacks tend to overact.
01:42:22.000
And then I realized, Derek, we're in an upper middle class black hotel.
01:42:28.000
We're in like a Will Smith, Fresh Prince of Bel Air, but not Will Smith, the other family.
01:42:36.000
And this is what they have when they have a hotel.
01:42:40.000
Zebra Prince, Leopard Prince, a spear on the wall, and Medea.
01:43:18.000
Actually, you know, I'm eBaying a couple of things like Rocket.
01:43:21.000
By the way, if you want to buy me a present, I really want this.
01:43:28.000
It's the Gina Carrano action figure from Mandalorian.
01:43:59.000
These Scoochie shoes are nothing compared to those puppies.
01:44:06.000
All right, let's try the calls again and see if it's another eight-hour story about someone who hasn't heard of a movie before.
01:44:15.000
Hey, so apparently there's a king of Thailand, which I didn't know about, which I don't really give a fuck about.
01:44:32.000
His fucking name is like two paragraphs long, and it's fucking retarded.
01:44:37.000
I don't know why you would ever fucking name somebody that many weird letters.
01:44:42.000
It's like some monkey went on a fucking typewriter and just was hitting fucking keys.
01:44:57.000
The side effects of Vagilcron are, of course, Vagiralongcron.
01:45:04.000
That's when you have a Nordic warrior in your pussy.
01:45:17.000
You got to find the guy who owns Al Jazeera, the main funder of it.
01:45:27.000
His name takes an hour to say, and it dwarfs the king of Thailand.
01:45:47.000
So funding from the government of Qatar, but maintains its editorial independence.
01:46:37.000
I can't remember if that's the guy I was talking about, but that's equally absurd right there.
01:46:42.000
Abdullah bin Abdullahziz bin Turkey al-Subdueh.
01:46:54.000
I said Chinese language sucks because you need a paintbrush to write it.
01:47:02.000
She goes, you said Hebrew is a disgusting language.
01:48:18.000
Gucci gang, Gucci gang, Gucci gang, Gucci gang, Gucci gang, Gucci gang, Gucci gang, Gucci gang, Gucci don't.
01:48:39.000
You told me about, you know, if you're MAGA, don't worry about it.
01:48:46.000
Just do your thing and don't trip about, you know, trying to be political or anything.
01:48:54.000
Yeah, it's a tricky thing because at the end of the show, every day I say, get fired, get in trouble.
01:48:58.000
And then I'm also telling you not to be public about your magginness.
01:49:03.000
But I think every man should be on the precipice of trouble, which is losing your job, going to jail, and getting divorced.
01:49:15.000
So if you get those, you've gone too far in many cases.
01:49:32.000
When I say get fired, what I mean is you're at a dead-end job.
01:49:36.000
Everyone's talking shit all day about, say, Trump.
01:49:44.000
And you're getting cancer from keeping your mouth shut.
01:50:01.000
You don't have to read his tweets, but the economy was booming before the pandemic.
01:50:11.000
Now, I'm not encouraging you to run headfirst into the wood chipper and get fired on purpose, but I'm saying be yourself.
01:50:22.000
And if you're at a job where you just indicating your true self is enough to get you fired, then you're not in the right job.
01:50:45.000
I mean, I should do a whole show on this because it is a very gray area.
01:50:48.000
Like Ben Shapiro's thing, they said, what should I do in college?
01:50:51.000
And he said, lie, pretend to be left-wing, get A's, graduate, then become a lawyer, and then fuck them all over and say, haha, I was bullshitting the whole time.
01:51:04.000
I say you should be yourself in school, even if you flunk out.
01:51:11.000
I mean, who is going to clean your toilets, Donald Trump?
01:51:16.000
And what I'm really saying with Get Fired is be yourself and don't fucking keep your personality bottled up to the point where it's killing you.
01:52:04.000
Wear a shirt that represents where you belong, Dave?
01:52:12.000
What are those big, huge rats they have in Central America?
01:52:20.000
I'm closer to figuring out what Elmo is than her.
01:52:42.000
You're reminding me of a great John Ronson documentary you should check out if you haven't seen it.
01:52:48.000
It's about how they were using those songs, Barney and so forth, to torture the Iraqi POWs.
01:52:57.000
And they go on to interview the people who wrote the people who wrote the Sesame Street music.
01:53:02.000
And they talk to them about it, and they talk about what royalties should they ask for for their music torture.
01:53:34.000
There's a couple of companies that have made some pretty big leaps.
01:53:37.000
American Technology now has an acoustic system that you can reach out.
01:54:06.000
And these people have all kinds of like brain problems from it.
01:54:22.000
Government personnel who were working at our embassy in Havana, Cuba on official duty.
01:54:32.000
Oh, you want me to get back to the documentary?
01:55:00.000
Anyway, Gavin, do you still have your motorcycle?
01:55:06.000
Is it a Bonneville Trucks and it's this guy right here?
01:55:15.000
It's like a 2012, I think, but it was made as a replica of the original 1960s thing.
01:55:23.000
So I love it because it looks old, but it's not very old.
01:55:27.000
From a distance, it also looks like a Thunderbird a little bit, but not the new, new ones.
01:55:50.000
I do know you've got to get your battery out of there because I noticed I was buying a new battery every year, and it's because I would let it freeze.
01:56:00.000
I'm sure anyone with a motorcycle knew this way before me.
01:56:03.000
But yeah, you've got to get it on the Doctor Charger thing in the fall.
01:56:10.000
I was going to say, unless you keep it on the charger, you should be pretty good.
01:56:14.000
But anyway, if you are thinking about moving to the Tennessee, North Carolina area, I'll tell you what.
01:56:22.000
The most gorgeous riding is there between the North Carolina and Tennessee.
01:56:30.000
One that comes to mind is called Chero Halla Skyway.
01:57:06.000
It's only like 15 miles between Tennessee and North Carolina.
01:57:11.000
And it has like 300 curves in a 50-mile stretch.
01:57:16.000
I know a lot of people who actually wrecked on that, but he said it was awesome.
01:57:20.000
Like regardless, the scenery between Tennessee and North Carolina is fucking amazing.
01:57:30.000
I had Beers with a biker today, and he said they have a motto in the Hells Angels.
01:57:42.000
Now, I don't have, my fairing is just like you saw my motorcycle, and the fairing is a little foreskin on the front.
01:57:52.000
Shitting in my panties, especially on a fucking New Jersey freeway.
01:57:56.000
If I look to see if I can change lanes, my whole head goes.
01:58:01.000
So what I do is I indicate and I just slowly change lanes going, I'm coming over, boys.
01:58:08.000
You can slow down or kill me, but I'm not looking.
01:58:14.000
Like even in my BMW going 90 on the freeway, I'm going, fuck, I'm booking here.
01:58:23.000
And he was in, it's funny because he went down to Florida, but the storm hit.
01:58:30.000
He left in these shitty New York temperatures at 4 in the morning with heated seats and shit.
01:58:37.000
And then you expect like around Delaware, it starts, the clouds come out, but it didn't.
01:58:42.000
And when he was in Florida, it was like fucking 40 degrees.
01:58:47.000
So he went to escape New York and just had a big, long, 20-hour New York drive that they did in two days at 90 miles an hour, dude.
01:59:02.000
All right, Alex Jones, he's a poo-poo head, buddy.
01:59:17.000
No, I don't tolerate skechers in any way, shape, or form.
01:59:20.000
If I was at a restaurant or a deli and I was buying a godfather sub and they had skechers on, I would walk away, buddy.
01:59:31.000
Anyway, Gab, I was watching Crowder's recent upload on The Blaze.
01:59:39.000
And they get talking about January 6th, all the riot and shit.
01:59:43.000
And Jones just kind of blames it on Proud Boys.
01:59:45.000
He kind of says, like, Proud Boys is boo-boo-boar.
01:59:52.000
I think I titled it, like, Alex Jones Fucks Boys Who Happen to Be Proud or whatever.
02:00:06.000
By the way, Alex was, I'm not going to, I'm not about to get revenge till I see the whole thing.
02:00:13.000
Like, wasn't he screaming with a megaphone going, we got to do this.
02:00:18.000
Alex had some pretty good evidence of him saying, let's move away from here, go to the front, or peacefully.
02:00:27.000
Like, in, you know, very long form, hey, don't get nuts.
02:00:35.000
I called both of those things and said, don't go, you're getting duped.
02:00:41.000
And, well, I will say, only like three people that I know of still went to Charlottesville.
02:00:48.000
And Charlottesville was portrayed as a statue thing.
02:00:51.000
And then at the 11th hour, they started having these SS type of things on the flyers.
02:00:55.000
And Paul Bazil pointed out, he goes, wait a minute, this doesn't look like it's about statues.
02:01:08.000
I waited for all the high fives for predicting it was going to be a shit show.
02:01:26.000
It's still my fault because someone there looked like me.
02:01:29.000
And 100%, the fire extinguisher guy, that didn't happen.
02:01:35.000
He died from pepper spray, but no one will go near it because they keep saying cops should use more pepper spray and less guns.
02:01:49.000
Dude, getting pepper sprayed reboots your hard drive.
02:01:54.000
It's not like it just, it's not like someone just put on two eye patches and now you can't see.
02:02:03.000
It's almost like the LeBron James helicopter pilot who thought he was going up when he was going down.
02:02:11.000
It's like you're scuba diving and you think you're swimming down, but you're swimming up.
02:02:16.000
You know where your feet are, so you know where gravity is.
02:02:32.000
All around the Capitol, trying to stop people for over an hour and a half.
02:02:36.000
And I realized, because see, I'm all like the left, I'm not going to lie.
02:02:45.000
I said, okay, it's Boogaloos, it's Proud Boys, and it's a few people from a great organization, Oathkeepers, who claimed they were part of it.
02:02:55.000
It was literally a minority of people with Antifa.
02:03:02.000
It was right-wingers believing they were part of this great storm.
02:03:09.000
I mean, he's right in the sense that it was guys who were members of the Proud Boys.
02:03:16.000
And I don't understand why no one can understand this nuance.
02:03:19.000
If they were Knights of Columbus, they weren't there as Knights of Columbus.
02:03:23.000
They're just members of the club, which is a big club with 5,000 people.
02:03:30.000
But, you know, he said the Oath Keepers are good people, so he was saying the clubs are nice, but they just had a few fuck-ups.
02:03:40.000
But the Proud Boys who did that were fucking idiots.
02:03:52.000
What do you think is going to happen when you storm the Capitol?
02:03:58.000
Yeah, they knew they had the media and the justice system on their side.
02:04:01.000
Prowboys have been stabbed once a month in DC, and both times the takeaway was, what are these assholes doing?
02:04:10.000
So obviously the third time you go, the third month in a row, say hypothetically you get stabbed, it's going to be known as your fault.
02:05:08.000
No, I'm going to tempt you when you're in a Dharman dude.
02:05:13.000
It could have been better phrased, but that's fine.
02:05:17.000
Anyway, folks, we'll see you tomorrow with all the shit we didn't get to today.
02:05:22.000
And we also would like to add that you should, within reasonable parameters of your own safety and success, get fired, get in trouble, be brave, and never stop fighting.