Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes - March 11, 2021


GOML LIVE #99 - DRUNK AND LATE


Episode Stats

Length

2 hours

Words per Minute

145.90947

Word Count

17,621

Sentence Count

1,947

Misogynist Sentences

96

Hate Speech Sentences

125


Summary

On this week's episode of Off My Lawn, the boys discuss the life and career of the late singer-songwriter Mike Skinner. They talk about his early days in the music business, how he got into drugs, and what it was like to be a member of the band Mike Skinner's band The Stooges.


Transcript

00:00:03.000 First in the room, bursting from noon, herbalist view, words me balloon, curts off the zoo, live from New York, get off my lawn with Devin McGuinness.
00:00:25.000 Who's got the bag?
00:00:33.000 Who's got the bag?
00:00:34.000 Food in the back pocket.
00:00:36.000 I'm here to move Avalon.
00:00:38.000 Let's be having their boondocks back.
00:00:40.000 You have to do what you can.
00:00:46.000 You know, in boxing they say you got to sometimes let someone get a beating because they could have a comeback.
00:00:52.000 And as a homo, I say, no.
00:00:56.000 If someone gets knocked down once, it's the end of the fight.
00:00:58.000 Throw in the towel.
00:01:00.000 Because I don't want these fighters getting brain damage.
00:01:02.000 But then other people go who understand the sport better than me go, no.
00:01:06.000 That's not what it's about, dude.
00:01:08.000 You ever seen Rocky?
00:01:08.000 You want to see the guy recover?
00:01:11.000 And Mike Skinner took a beating.
00:01:13.000 He was the top.
00:01:16.000 I think he did that song, When You're Famous, about how it's weird getting pussy when you're famous because it's so easy.
00:01:24.000 But then when you meet a famous girl, it's just like when you wasn't famous.
00:01:30.000 And that really pissed off people.
00:01:31.000 I don't understand why it made them so mad.
00:01:33.000 He was being honest.
00:01:34.000 His whole thing, Mike Skinner's whole thing was always being himself.
00:01:37.000 The streets, the band was about being themselves.
00:01:41.000 I'm pluralizing the band and not calling it Mike Skinner because most Americans listening probably have no idea who the fuck I'm talking about.
00:01:50.000 And then he had some comebacks that sucked.
00:01:53.000 Sorry, they just didn't have that same oomph, that same jequ, that same irreverence.
00:02:01.000 And the thing about Mike Skinner is he was always thinking outside the box with a totally fresh take.
00:02:07.000 Like he had that song, A, You Want to Know You B, B, C. And he did like the A, B, C, D, E, F, G to Z. And each line in the song was a different letter.
00:02:17.000 And it worked out fucking perfectly.
00:02:19.000 And you didn't realize you're listening to the alphabet.
00:02:21.000 That's how good he was.
00:02:22.000 And you know, you get older.
00:02:23.000 I mean, you've seen this show.
00:02:24.000 I've been doing this for 25 years.
00:02:27.000 You can tell that I'm getting old and weak and less funny than I was.
00:02:34.000 And then he comes out with this jam about recovering from COVID.
00:02:38.000 Everything's open again.
00:02:40.000 And you're going out.
00:02:42.000 And the first thing you say is, who's got the bag?
00:02:46.000 That's fucking great.
00:02:47.000 And that's a nod to the classic first album, right?
00:02:51.000 It is?
00:02:51.000 With that lighter?
00:02:53.000 That's always been his icon.
00:02:58.000 And I just love the bam, bam, bam.
00:03:08.000 I burn it up too soon.
00:03:10.000 I settled for a girl too early in the night.
00:03:12.000 I could have done better, maybe.
00:03:15.000 Shit.
00:03:17.000 How am I going to get rid of her?
00:03:23.000 They always come along really well with that guy.
00:03:26.000 One time he came to my house, and we were all hanging out.
00:03:30.000 I don't think we were doing heroin, but it's possible.
00:03:34.000 And this girl was there, and the two girls I didn't know, there wasn't that many people at my place.
00:03:41.000 It was my apartment on 9th Street in the East Village, and there was maybe like eight people there.
00:03:46.000 And there's two girls I didn't know, and they were just staring at him all night.
00:03:49.000 And then when they left, they both gave him, fully conscious of each other, their hotels and the room number.
00:03:59.000 They handed, each individually handed him those separate notes.
00:04:02.000 That was his life back then.
00:04:04.000 I'm talking like 2003.
00:04:08.000 Crazy life.
00:04:09.000 I have a fun idea for today's show.
00:04:10.000 It's complicated, though.
00:04:11.000 Are you ready for this, Ryan?
00:04:12.000 Yes.
00:04:13.000 So it's free 9 to 9.30, right?
00:04:15.000 It's a two-hour show.
00:04:16.000 Of course.
00:04:16.000 So from 9 to 9.30, I want to do a sort of mini get off my lawn.
00:04:22.000 So these freeloaders get an idea of what it's like.
00:04:24.000 So we'll do all our segments, but we'll do one story per segment.
00:04:27.000 That's fun.
00:04:28.000 Right?
00:04:28.000 That brings us to 9.30.
00:04:30.000 Then from 9.30 to 10, I want to watch TV.
00:04:34.000 Pardon.
00:04:35.000 But just on in the background, like a little bubble.
00:04:39.000 And then I want to write down commercials, who's male, who's female, who's mixed.
00:04:45.000 I forgot mixed race.
00:04:47.000 Because as an alcoholic, I'm constantly sitting in bars and I'm seeing every single fucking commercial is a black woman and a white guy.
00:05:01.000 Now, John Kinsman, who's in jail for racism, is married to a black woman, Zanoa Kinsman, the proud boy who went to jail for four years.
00:05:08.000 But besides that, I don't really see it that much.
00:05:11.000 Yet, commercials, it's like fucking 80%.
00:05:16.000 Now, I used to think kids' movies, this is an old theory, so it may have changed by now.
00:05:22.000 But back in like 2015, 14, I said kids' movies are all politically correct.
00:05:29.000 They all have a message now.
00:05:31.000 And then I went through and listed all the top kids' movies, and I actually noticed I was wrong.
00:05:37.000 And there was a lot of movies that were actually pro-capitalist, pro-free market, anti-government.
00:05:44.000 I mean, ET is anti-government.
00:05:46.000 This wasn't that far back, but you get what I'm saying.
00:05:48.000 So the reason I want to do the chart is it could be that I'm wrong, that I see one black woman with a white guy, and I go, stop saying that.
00:05:57.000 It doesn't happen that often.
00:05:58.000 And then I forget the other eight out of 10 commercials that are like white on white, black on black.
00:06:03.000 So we'll see.
00:06:04.000 It's research.
00:06:05.000 So that's 9.30 to 10.
00:06:07.000 So let's power through this 9 to 9.30 where we're showing you what a typical two-hour episode is like.
00:06:15.000 And we've been making them two hours, although Monday was three hours, which broke the machine.
00:06:20.000 So Ryan, if you can get the sponsor's notes while I, every show we have a book of the day, so we do the song of the day, and that was Mike Skinner's new hit, Who's got the bag?
00:06:31.000 Not that a 50-year-old man can do Coke anymore, but we do remember our kooky days.
00:06:42.000 Isn't it weird when you focus these cameras and you see your beard and skin in a way you've never seen before and you realize, cameras are better than my eyes.
00:06:52.000 Yeah.
00:06:53.000 As far as color, though, colorful?
00:06:55.000 If I'm looking at like a bug, I'll take out my camera and photograph the bug and then look at the bug for me.
00:07:00.000 I did that the other day too, yeah.
00:07:02.000 What, you had a bug in your house?
00:07:03.000 No, we're trying to figure out Jill and I were driving and there was some.
00:07:07.000 Jill.
00:07:07.000 Jill's my best lesbian friend.
00:07:10.000 Remember her?
00:07:11.000 Ryan's best friend is a girl.
00:07:14.000 My best friend that is a girl.
00:07:17.000 There's two different categories.
00:07:20.000 You know that.
00:07:20.000 Anyway, this is my best friend.
00:07:22.000 My best female friend that is a girl, Leslie Arfin.
00:07:25.000 And I kind of wrote this book, to be honest.
00:07:27.000 I edited it.
00:07:30.000 And it's just her diary.
00:07:32.000 It was a column we had in Vice.
00:07:34.000 And I've been doing a book a day.
00:07:38.000 So inevitably, we're going to end up with books from way the fuck back.
00:07:45.000 Am I in any of these pics?
00:07:48.000 Is Chloe 70s in there twice?
00:07:52.000 Where the fuck am I, you bitch?
00:07:56.000 This is back when we were really into design.
00:07:58.000 Look at this.
00:07:59.000 It has a magnetic cover that slams shut because it's a diary, right?
00:08:03.000 It's locked.
00:08:04.000 And this is about Leslie's life.
00:08:08.000 You know, a lower middle class Jewish girl on Long Island with a fucked up dad, dysfunctional dad.
00:08:15.000 She might not like me saying that, but fuck that guy.
00:08:17.000 What a dork loser.
00:08:19.000 Not even a dork, a self-indulgent hippie boomer.
00:08:24.000 And, you know, when she was done the book, she goes, so what the fuck do I know?
00:08:31.000 You know, this is my diary.
00:08:33.000 I made a bunch of mistakes.
00:08:34.000 I corrected them, I hope.
00:08:36.000 And now I'm happily married with a kid, although I'm not sure she was when she finished this, but you get the idea.
00:08:42.000 And me and the editor from Simon and Schuster, is that who did this?
00:08:48.000 I think so.
00:08:49.000 We go, Leslie, you can't fucking just say, whatever, who gives a shit?
00:08:58.000 This is powerhouse books.
00:09:02.000 People are sitting down reading this book carefully, analyzing it.
00:09:07.000 So they're looking up to you.
00:09:08.000 You're a teacher in this case.
00:09:10.000 You can't just say, I don't know, fuck it at the end.
00:09:13.000 And she goes, well, that's how I feel.
00:09:14.000 And I go, well, you got to go, I don't know, go for a long walk, spend a few days thinking about what all this means and come up with a summary at the end.
00:09:23.000 Now, spoiler alert, the summary is, it's good to make mistakes.
00:09:28.000 You'll figure out what's going on with life.
00:09:30.000 I made her this frenemy timeline for the book, too, that shows when she liked this person and when they hated her and when they broke up.
00:09:37.000 But I'm noticing in the front here, wait a minute.
00:09:43.000 David, I've always been secretly in love with you.
00:09:45.000 Sorry, you had to find out this way.
00:09:47.000 I love Lou.
00:09:48.000 I love you, Leslie.
00:09:50.000 P.S. You made me write that.
00:09:52.000 So I think this was David Cross's autograph copy that I ended up with somehow.
00:09:59.000 I hope I didn't steal it.
00:10:00.000 The why of things.
00:10:03.000 Why did you steal that?
00:10:07.000 All right.
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00:10:11.000 Look, we're already fucking almost halfway through the show.
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00:10:19.000 Tactical Walls.
00:10:20.000 I'd like to welcome our new sponsor, Tactical Walls, to the Censor.tv family.
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00:10:30.000 I've always bragged that though I've never been in a war, I've seen a lot of war movies, sometimes stoned, and I believe I deserve some sort of recognition for that.
00:10:40.000 And since I've started saying that, I've noticed that vets have a pattern where they say to me, thank you for my service.
00:10:47.000 I don't mean they're thanking me for my service.
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00:12:02.000 Go bananas.
00:12:03.000 Wait, is this a handkerchief box that hides a gun?
00:12:06.000 Sure is.
00:12:07.000 Hey, I'm coming to kill you, bearded guy.
00:12:10.000 I'm going to shoot you in the head.
00:12:11.000 I'm a home intruder.
00:12:14.000 You better stop reading that magazine because I'm here to rape your wife and kill your family and take all your stuff.
00:12:20.000 And I know you don't have a gun because all you have is a box of Kleenex and a magazine and some old flat Coca-Cola.
00:12:27.000 He doesn't seem worried.
00:12:30.000 Well, now I'm in.
00:12:31.000 He's deaf.
00:12:32.000 This is the thing about deaf home invasions.
00:12:34.000 They take a while.
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00:12:37.000 Boom.
00:12:40.000 And kaboom.
00:12:44.000 Chillo, you've got home defense.
00:12:48.000 Chillo, you got a glock.
00:12:51.000 Okay, so let's start the show.
00:12:53.000 Now, this is a condensed version of our show.
00:12:56.000 So we're doing My Pet Biden.
00:12:58.000 This is a regular segment we have where we talk about My Pet, Joe Biden.
00:13:03.000 Biden.
00:13:08.000 Biden.
00:13:12.000 Sleepy.
00:13:16.000 My pet Biden.
00:13:17.000 Wait, what?
00:13:17.000 That doesn't rhyme.
00:13:21.000 Alright, so this is a funny episode of My Pet Biden because we usually show him bumbling and we adore the way he tries to speak English.
00:13:30.000 And he's so cute when he's trying to leave a room and he forgets his mask.
00:13:34.000 And what?
00:13:35.000 Where am I going?
00:13:35.000 Am I. Do you want me to answer questions, Nance?
00:13:38.000 I'll do whatever you tell me to.
00:13:39.000 That's cute.
00:13:40.000 But this is a special edition of My Pet Biden where we have My Pet Biden's pet.
00:13:47.000 What's his name?
00:13:50.000 Wolf.
00:13:50.000 I just want to thank you both.
00:13:52.000 I want to know.
00:13:52.000 Did I send the wrong fucking thing?
00:13:56.000 I did.
00:13:57.000 All right.
00:13:57.000 So you're seeing us make a huge embarrassing mistake.
00:14:00.000 Oh, no, no, no.
00:14:01.000 I know what's going on.
00:14:02.000 I changed my mind.
00:14:03.000 I was going to make this about his German Shepherd who has a Twitter account, but then I realized we're trying to show people a normal episode to get off my lawn.
00:14:12.000 So I hadn't consulted my attorney, me, before I did this, and I went back to a normal example of my pet Biden.
00:14:20.000 So here is my pet Biden trying to remember the Secretary of State, who is Lloyd Austin.
00:14:26.000 Lloyd Austin is our first black Secretary, not of state, Secretary of Defense.
00:14:32.000 And he is a nerd.
00:14:34.000 He's an academic.
00:14:36.000 I don't think he's ever been in battle.
00:14:39.000 He went to West Point.
00:14:40.000 He's got all these degrees.
00:14:43.000 He's not my cup of tea.
00:14:44.000 Fuck the police, his boss.
00:14:46.000 I don't like top brass.
00:14:47.000 And I think he's a top brass kind of guy.
00:14:49.000 But Biden elected him probably because he's black.
00:14:54.000 But he doesn't actually care about him, which is why he can't remember his fucking name.
00:14:58.000 There he is, Lloyd Austin.
00:15:01.000 All books, all academia, all elitism, no grit, no experience, a bunch of fake medals.
00:15:09.000 He's basically North Korean.
00:15:11.000 And the great thing about this show is people will write in and go, dude, his fucking best friend's head was blown off in Afghanistan.
00:15:20.000 And he put it in an ice bucket and dragged them both back to base.
00:15:24.000 And it was sewn back on.
00:15:25.000 And he lived.
00:15:26.000 That's where the ice bucket challenge came from, Dick.
00:15:30.000 There's a one in a thousand chance that I'm wrong.
00:15:33.000 But my research shows this guy is a boring academic who hasn't really paid his dues.
00:15:40.000 But he's black and he's up there.
00:15:43.000 So Biden got him on board.
00:15:45.000 Unfortunately, Biden, just like we see Joe as our pet, liberals see blacks as their pet and he has no idea who the fuck the guy is.
00:15:54.000 By the way, the Secretary of Defense, that's a big job.
00:15:57.000 Donald Rumsfeld did it twice in 75 and 2001, I believe.
00:16:03.000 We've had some pretty important Secretary of Defenses.
00:16:08.000 It's a big gig.
00:16:10.000 Anyway, go ahead, Joe.
00:16:12.000 I just want to thank you both, and I want to thank the former general.
00:16:18.000 I keep calling him general.
00:16:19.000 Mad Dog Mattis?
00:16:21.000 The guy who runs that outfit over there.
00:16:24.000 I want to make sure we thank you.
00:16:26.000 Stop the secretary.
00:16:29.000 He was a general.
00:16:31.000 I know that.
00:16:31.000 He's my guy who runs that whole thing over there.
00:16:34.000 He's the secretary.
00:16:36.000 That's it.
00:16:37.000 That's all he remembers.
00:16:39.000 Do you think Trump could forget Mad Dog Mattis?
00:16:42.000 Is that possible?
00:16:43.000 That's my guy, some sort of a dog for all he's done to try to implement what we've just talked about and for recommending.
00:16:54.000 Okay, hold on, hold on, hold on.
00:16:57.000 I want to thank my guy.
00:16:59.000 He was a general, the secretary, whatever his name is.
00:17:02.000 He runs that whole thing.
00:17:03.000 And I want to thank him for all the stuff we just talked about.
00:17:08.000 He forgot the guy and the thing.
00:17:11.000 Is he the cutest pet president anyone's ever had?
00:17:15.000 I saw this video today online.
00:17:17.000 I forget where it was, but it was a pug.
00:17:20.000 And she'd opened the cage for her pug, the little dog cage, and it was pacing back and forth in the cage, pissed off that it couldn't leave.
00:17:29.000 And she was looking going, oh, Wilbur, because he didn't realize it.
00:17:33.000 All he has to do is turn left, and he's no longer in a dog cage.
00:17:37.000 That's my pet Biden.
00:17:39.000 He's a monster of a friend.
00:17:42.000 And he has...
00:17:45.000 Giving a pet pets is not going well.
00:17:48.000 Holy shit.
00:17:49.000 Is that him in the background?
00:17:51.000 Is that Lloyd Austin right behind him?
00:17:55.000 It is.
00:17:56.000 It looks like it, right?
00:17:57.000 It sure does.
00:17:58.000 I mean, how many other tall black men are there in the world?
00:18:02.000 Yeah.
00:18:02.000 He's got a specific type of head, too.
00:18:04.000 Lloyd Austin.
00:18:04.000 By the way, the thing I was going to show on this was Joe Biden's Sherman Shepherd's Twitter account where he's like, I'm pawfully sawy that I bit someone because he bit his security detail.
00:18:21.000 And it's a very cute little Twitter account where he says stuff in dog talk.
00:18:26.000 But I thought, wouldn't it be funny if the security detail died?
00:18:31.000 He got some horrible infection from the dog bite.
00:18:34.000 And the last message from the president was a tweet from his dog saying, I'm awfully sorry that I bit you, but I was scared.
00:18:44.000 Anyway, that's my pet Biden.
00:18:45.000 Jesus, we're 20 minutes into the show.
00:18:47.000 We've barely done one thing.
00:18:49.000 Let's jump into racism.
00:18:53.000 Ready, Ryan?
00:18:54.000 Talk about racism.
00:18:58.000 That was racist, guys.
00:19:02.000 It's like one of our weirdest intros because it's Ryan's bizarre, like late 90s graphic design talents with shit I told him to do.
00:19:14.000 And then he does these filters on things where he makes them washed out in orange.
00:19:19.000 Your graphic design sense isn't bad.
00:19:22.000 It's foreign.
00:19:24.000 Yeah.
00:19:25.000 You're a foreigner.
00:19:27.000 I got some cool things.
00:19:28.000 I mean, that one.
00:19:28.000 That's a cool thing.
00:19:29.000 That one's weird, but I like it.
00:19:32.000 It definitely doesn't.
00:19:33.000 It sits weird in my portfolio.
00:19:36.000 No, it doesn't.
00:19:37.000 It goes along with your entire portfolio, which is fucked up.
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00:20:17.000 We put the tincture in our coffee and it totally takes the edge off.
00:20:22.000 Treat yourself or as the guy who writes the ad copy for Get Off My Lawn, treat yourself.
00:20:29.000 He's a white guy from Chicago, but he respects Ebonics, apparently.
00:20:34.000 And they leak their way into our ad copy.
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00:20:49.000 God bless Johnny Apple CBD.
00:20:51.000 God bless America.
00:20:52.000 Oh my God, we're down to the last five minutes of the free shit.
00:20:55.000 And we've barely touched our free show.
00:21:00.000 See, this is why I always describe our show as radio.
00:21:04.000 Because it's many hours and there's a lot of meandering.
00:21:07.000 Tucker Carlson is television.
00:21:09.000 Tucker Carlson is bonk, bonk, bonk.
00:21:11.000 We're going to hit all these points.
00:21:12.000 We have two minutes per point.
00:21:14.000 That's not who I am.
00:21:16.000 I'm not as good.
00:21:18.000 I like the freedom to meander.
00:21:21.000 Anyway, over the course of the week, we've been analyzing all the cartoons that have been killed.
00:21:26.000 And it's amazing how hard it is to keep track.
00:21:29.000 So I thought I had a grip on it two days ago on our special episode called Killed Cartoons.
00:21:35.000 And what do we have on that episode?
00:21:37.000 We had Pepe Le Pure is done because he's a rapist.
00:21:40.000 Lola Bunny is done because she's hot.
00:21:43.000 And we don't want to make kids corny.
00:21:47.000 Speedy Gonzalez is done because he exemplifies the stereotype of a lazy drunk Mexican.
00:21:55.000 And you go, but he's not a lazy drunk Mexican.
00:21:58.000 He's zipping all over the place.
00:22:00.000 He's speedy.
00:22:01.000 It's in the name, just like Antifa.
00:22:03.000 It's anti-fat.
00:22:06.000 But there is an episode, I guess, where his friend is a drunk Mexican.
00:22:10.000 Okay, well that.
00:22:12.000 And then we had the six Dr. Zeus books, which within those six, there's about 12 characters that are unacceptable, like Eskimo fish.
00:22:25.000 So you go, okay, we're done, right?
00:22:27.000 Not even close.
00:22:29.000 That's only four.
00:22:31.000 And Dr. Zeus is a weird category because it's like 10 within that one.
00:22:38.000 No, we now have Dumbo.
00:22:42.000 Now, in Dumbo, there's those black crows.
00:22:45.000 They're like, what you talk about, Willis?
00:22:48.000 I like some fine foxy mamas.
00:22:52.000 My problem with that is they weren't negative.
00:22:56.000 The crows weren't like human garbage, even though they were crows.
00:22:59.000 They weren't crow garbage.
00:23:00.000 And they were very amicable, weren't they?
00:23:03.000 Not that that should matter, right?
00:23:06.000 I don't remember the...
00:23:07.000 You could have black villain crows who steal and cheat and stab people.
00:23:12.000 That's a segment of the black population.
00:23:15.000 You can have Scottish murderers.
00:23:17.000 Why couldn't if the Scottish is a great metric for all this shit?
00:23:23.000 Like, what if there was Scottish crows that were drunks and wore tartan and head-butted people?
00:23:30.000 Those are valid patterns you may have noticed of the Scots.
00:23:35.000 And I don't have a problem with that.
00:23:39.000 Well, I see a horse fly.
00:23:41.000 The big picture is here.
00:23:42.000 What's the matter with negative stereotypes?
00:23:45.000 But aren't they voiced by blacks too?
00:23:47.000 And that's how they act.
00:23:50.000 So that's how some acted.
00:23:51.000 They bust balls and they're like, ah, you don't look like this.
00:23:54.000 You look like that.
00:23:56.000 But I've been seen about anything.
00:23:58.000 Well, this goes back to, and by the way, this is why our show can't be short, because we're talking about complicated nuance here.
00:24:05.000 This is a fight I had with Leslie Arfin very recently because she's not racist.
00:24:11.000 And I am, allegedly.
00:24:13.000 And I said to her, we're talking about stuff like this, like the crows.
00:24:17.000 And I go, I get that that's, you know, stereotypical, but people are stereotypical.
00:24:23.000 A lot of Scots are drunk.
00:24:25.000 There's plenty of Scots who are teetotalers.
00:24:28.000 But I went to Scotland every year as a kid.
00:24:29.000 My parents are Scottish.
00:24:30.000 I'm Scottish.
00:24:31.000 I'm drunk right now.
00:24:34.000 That's why I was late for the show.
00:24:36.000 Because I was at a bar.
00:24:39.000 And she goes, well, look at Long Duck Dong in 16 Candles.
00:24:44.000 I mean, do you honestly think that wasn't racist?
00:24:47.000 And I go, yes.
00:24:49.000 I honestly think that wasn't racist.
00:24:52.000 And she goes, you're blowing my mind here.
00:24:54.000 She goes, you haven't evolved since 2008.
00:24:58.000 She goes, there's a fucking gong every time you see him.
00:25:03.000 And by the way, God bless Leslie for at least being open to yell to a grumpy old man, an archie bunker.
00:25:09.000 Most people have just like severed the cord.
00:25:11.000 In fact, I'm guilty of saying just sever the cord.
00:25:14.000 But I go, yes, I'm aware of the gong with long duck dong.
00:25:19.000 But so, and then the argument is the perpetual foreigner argument, which, by the way, got the aristocats killed.
00:25:30.000 He is a foreigner.
00:25:32.000 It's not in the notes, Ryan.
00:25:34.000 Just dig up long duck dong.
00:25:35.000 Why aren't you looking that up, you stupid chink?
00:25:39.000 Well, because I thought it was going to be like a little hop and a skip.
00:25:43.000 That's what I'm saying about this show.
00:25:44.000 We can't do hop and skips.
00:25:47.000 Now, by the way, someone would take that stupid chink out of context.
00:25:49.000 It's obviously a hilarious joke where I'm talking about stereotyping Asians and then I make use of an anti-Asian epithet.
00:25:57.000 That's brilliant.
00:25:58.000 Yet in Max and John's appeal, they're the Proud Boys that are in prison, all they talked about was my racist hate speech.
00:26:04.000 Meanwhile, they're not getting the nuance of the quips.
00:26:07.000 But I get why we're all supposed to say this is racist, okay?
00:26:16.000 He's not cool.
00:26:17.000 What's your name?
00:26:18.000 Donk.
00:26:20.000 What's your first name?
00:26:22.000 Donk.
00:26:25.000 What's your middle name?
00:26:28.000 Donk.
00:26:31.000 I bet all the boys are tasting plenty in the school.
00:26:35.000 Nobody's caught me yet.
00:26:38.000 That was me and Courtney Crowley at the problem.
00:26:40.000 That's you and every girlfriend you've ever gone out with.
00:26:43.000 No, but this was a real giant.
00:26:46.000 So, yes, it checks off all the boxes of racist, right?
00:26:52.000 But we should be able to go, okay, but why?
00:26:57.000 And again, the Scottish thing comes in handy.
00:26:59.000 What if there was a Scottish exchange student and he had a tartan tam and a kilt on, and every time you saw him in the movie, there was bagpipes, and he had a Mickey.
00:27:14.000 He had a Mickey of whiskey, and he was chugging it, and then he would have a red nose, and he'd fall over backwards.
00:27:22.000 Is that racist?
00:27:24.000 Or are they just lampooning a pattern?
00:27:29.000 Like, what is racism?
00:27:31.000 I would say racism is not just noticing a pattern, but insisting it applies to every single person of that group, which none of these examples are doing.
00:27:43.000 All these examples are saying, here is one tiny, here's five people doing that thing that happens to be a stereotype.
00:27:52.000 And then the other fucking misnomer is this whole see it to be it thing, where they go, I was young, I'm like a Japanese Puerto Rican, and I never saw people like me on TV.
00:28:04.000 So?
00:28:06.000 Ben Carson is not a fucking brain surgeon because he saw a black brain surgeon on TV.
00:28:13.000 Wait, play that clip.
00:28:15.000 How is this different from Long Duck Dong?
00:28:20.000 We've got the paper down!
00:28:22.000 I don't even have a piper who's down.
00:28:30.000 Dude, I remember that completely everyone's yelling it.
00:28:33.000 We've got the piper down!
00:28:35.000 So, you're just yelling, you misremembered it.
00:28:37.000 Yeah, because I hear you yelling with...
00:28:39.000 I'm just like thinking everything Scottish people say is yelling.
00:28:41.000 It's amazing how many things we misremember.
00:28:43.000 Yeah.
00:28:44.000 I remembered it better, I think.
00:28:46.000 Right, yeah, we improve things.
00:28:48.000 There's a drunken piper who collapsed.
00:28:52.000 Who can I sue?
00:28:53.000 That's not really flattering, is it?
00:28:54.000 No, it's not flattering.
00:28:56.000 So is that the deal?
00:28:58.000 You can only show patterns if they're flattering?
00:29:00.000 No, well, they're white, and you can't get away with that.
00:29:02.000 The thing is, like, people make fun of it.
00:29:03.000 Like, you can show black people, you know, white man can't jump.
00:29:07.000 You can show black people doing awesome in sports and stuff and cool jazz thing, cool runnings, whatever.
00:29:13.000 But if there's like a negative strip, that's really what racism is according to these new rules.
00:29:18.000 Even Coming to America.
00:29:19.000 It depicts a pattern that is negative.
00:29:22.000 The brand new Coming to America, how is that not a problem?
00:29:24.000 Well, they're talking like this.
00:29:25.000 Because he's rich.
00:29:27.000 And he doesn't eat the poo-poo.
00:29:29.000 They eat the poo-poo.
00:29:33.000 All over that place.
00:29:34.000 All over that place.
00:29:36.000 By the way, Ugandan homophobe, they don't really eat the poo-poo.
00:29:42.000 In those pornos that you saw, they clean their asses with like bleach wipes and they have a bunch of enemas.
00:29:47.000 So they're licking pretty clean anal lips.
00:29:51.000 I would say we could ask Milo about that, but I don't even know anymore.
00:29:54.000 Mino's not gay anymore.
00:29:55.000 Milo.
00:29:56.000 Who's Mino?
00:29:56.000 Mino's not gay.
00:29:58.000 He's my Milo.
00:29:59.000 He's Mino.
00:30:00.000 Yes.
00:30:01.000 By the way, I'm mad at him.
00:30:02.000 Could he not have mentioned Censored.tv while he made national news again?
00:30:10.000 That's a shame.
00:30:10.000 We made South Park.
00:30:12.000 Proud Boys made South Park.
00:30:14.000 Oh, really?
00:30:15.000 Yep.
00:30:15.000 I didn't know that.
00:30:16.000 Pretty fun.
00:30:17.000 Oh, there we go.
00:30:18.000 South Park Proud Boys.
00:30:19.000 And then they have just, you know, P with the laurel.
00:30:23.000 Keith sent this to me.
00:30:25.000 That's cool.
00:30:26.000 We made it.
00:30:27.000 Apparently, Enrique is already making those hats.
00:30:30.000 And are those zits?
00:30:33.000 Yeah, or meth marks.
00:30:38.000 They got Hawaiian shirts.
00:30:39.000 We're not Boogaloo boys.
00:30:41.000 This guy's got a pirate hat on.
00:30:43.000 I haven't seen that.
00:30:44.000 Okay.
00:30:45.000 And then they got, you know, this guy.
00:30:46.000 Hugh.
00:30:47.000 Yeah.
00:30:50.000 Whoever the fuck Hugh is.
00:30:52.000 So, I blew it.
00:30:55.000 My goal was to do a mini show in half an hour.
00:30:58.000 I'm not even close to done.
00:31:00.000 Two segments, My Pet Biden and Racism.
00:31:02.000 But let's just finish this.
00:31:04.000 Let's just make it a long, free episode.
00:31:08.000 Aristocats.
00:31:10.000 So Aristocats is gone because they have the Siamese.
00:31:15.000 Can we Siamese, if you please?
00:31:18.000 They have the Siamese cats in there, and they have chinky eyes and big teeth.
00:31:25.000 That's the perpetual foreigner thing.
00:31:27.000 The perpetual foreigner thing applies if they're not foreigners.
00:31:30.000 When I was a kid and I saw these Chinese cats playing, I just assumed that they were newly here, just like Mike Myers is Scott.
00:31:40.000 So that's insane.
00:31:42.000 And then the other one was, get this.
00:31:48.000 Pirates are negatively portrayed in what was it?
00:31:51.000 Peter Pan.
00:31:52.000 What?
00:31:54.000 Yes, pirates are bad.
00:31:56.000 Their fucking flag.
00:31:58.000 Oh, there you just showed it.
00:31:59.000 Right.
00:31:59.000 That was it.
00:32:00.000 Their fucking flag is a skull and crossbones.
00:32:04.000 That's bad.
00:32:08.000 The reason we have the Marines is because Muslim pirates were kidnapping our women and turning them into sex slaves.
00:32:18.000 I mean, they're villains.
00:32:20.000 How is that negative to point out?
00:32:24.000 And they're not sensitive.
00:32:25.000 They were rapists, sodomites.
00:32:27.000 Yeah.
00:32:28.000 And they don't like fucking killed people.
00:32:30.000 They don't like cartoons.
00:32:32.000 They're not going to be offended by this.
00:32:34.000 If you can't make pirates villains, they would ride up next to your boat.
00:32:38.000 I'm not sure if you're familiar with everything in the world.
00:32:41.000 I'm turning into John Mulaney.
00:32:43.000 You know, as in everything in the world?
00:32:46.000 You know, those pirates with their socks.
00:32:48.000 You know, rapists.
00:32:52.000 And look, pirates were Middle Eastern.
00:32:56.000 They were Arabs, basically.
00:32:59.000 But in this, they make them white as a bunch of Englishmen, and that's still not acceptable.
00:33:06.000 That's not good enough.
00:33:07.000 So pirates are portrayed negatively in Swiss Family Robinson and Peter Pan, so that's gone.
00:33:12.000 Oh, no, sorry, Peter Pan.
00:33:14.000 The problem with Peter Pan was redskins.
00:33:20.000 Indians are called redskins, which is fucking wrong.
00:33:25.000 Like, I've made three redskins from scratch.
00:33:28.000 It's a ridiculous thing to be offended by.
00:33:31.000 And I think there's a good argument that they did have redskin.
00:33:35.000 The thing about Indians is, and this is a fault of ours, they had developed brown fat.
00:33:43.000 And Wynne Hoff in the book, That Which Does Not Kill Us, explains that human beings are capable of developing brown fat, where we are better at withstanding the cold.
00:33:56.000 We somehow pussied out.
00:33:58.000 We used to have this ability back when we were, you know, Vikings and in the surviving the Siberian winters.
00:34:05.000 We developed this skill too.
00:34:07.000 The Indians lost it much later than us.
00:34:10.000 So they would be able to withstand, like, say, 20 degrees with no shirt on.
00:34:15.000 We would be freezing our asses off with that.
00:34:18.000 And I would imagine if you are wearing no shirt in 20 degrees, even if you're warm, your skin's going to be pretty red.
00:34:25.000 There's a lot of circulation going on here.
00:34:28.000 So my personal theory is that redskins got the name because they were red, because they were scantily clad in cold weather, which they could handle.
00:34:37.000 Anyway, it's not a fucking insult, and it's insane that these people are all banned.
00:34:44.000 All right, that's going to be, I guess, the end of the usual segments we have.
00:34:48.000 I had Antifa, I had feminism, but towards the end of every show, we go and do the mailbag, where we read letters from viewers.
00:34:59.000 So let's try that.
00:35:16.000 Okay.
00:35:18.000 I have to go pee very bad.
00:35:22.000 Ryan, can you read the first letter here?
00:35:26.000 Yes.
00:35:27.000 It's from a guy named.
00:35:28.000 Brendan?
00:35:28.000 Brendan, and he talks to a long duck dog.
00:35:30.000 Oh, it's a little video.
00:35:32.000 Perfect.
00:35:32.000 My name is Hook Long, and today we're talking about the Saudi Fin.
00:35:36.000 Some people out there want to take all your money, kick your duck, do the booty info tray.
00:35:42.000 Some people say you pee your pan, do the throw up, and you make them not horny anymore, and they go away.
00:35:49.000 But I don't want the foot long, inside the foot long.
00:35:53.000 Some people use a pepper spray, but not the 100% reliability.
00:35:59.000 What's up?
00:35:59.000 At the Fire Power United.
00:36:01.000 Should I just show the video or talk?
00:36:04.000 So that is a video of a guy making fun of Chinese people.
00:36:08.000 And from personal experience, using personal experience here, my Korean boss was very racist towards Japanese anti-Ascats.
00:36:15.000 If it's boring, interject.
00:36:18.000 Oh, I didn't hear what you said, and I said.
00:36:19.000 I know, but you should just know that instinctually, we're trying to entertain people.
00:36:22.000 I don't think it's boring.
00:36:22.000 It's only a minute.
00:36:24.000 No, that's not relevant.
00:36:25.000 And there's a punchline.
00:36:26.000 It seems like this is a comedy bit that's a minute, so if I would step on a punchline, then it would take away the possibility of it being funny.
00:36:34.000 You know what I mean?
00:36:35.000 Okay, so what's his joke?
00:36:38.000 He's being longed to dog, and he's like, take it from, you know, people are trying to rape you in the booty, so you could throw a pepper spray at them, but that doesn't work.
00:36:44.000 Some people use a pepper spray, but not the 100% reliability.
00:36:50.000 At the Fire Power United, we had a new cell phone.
00:36:53.000 Chinese guy does not do a very good Chinese accent.
00:36:55.000 I'm not going to smash the subscribe.
00:36:57.000 No, that's not fire or hot.
00:36:59.000 He could totally buzz off.
00:37:02.000 But again, I understand why you sound good when you say that Long Doc Dong is a racist stereotype.
00:37:13.000 I understand you sound sane and the way we've all been conditioned, boxes checked off.
00:37:19.000 It's a Chinese stereotype.
00:37:21.000 There's a gong, all that.
00:37:24.000 But let's go a layer deeper and show me, like in a court of law, why that is racist.
00:37:32.000 And you can't really do it.
00:37:34.000 And that's the problem with all of these fucking banned cartoons.
00:37:38.000 All right.
00:37:39.000 Hey, Arnold, Buds Drinker and Insylvester Stallone.
00:37:43.000 I remember you talking about pedos and saying that there's a difference between a 50-year-old man with a 13-year-old girl.
00:37:49.000 I don't think I said that much of a dab.
00:37:53.000 And an 18-year-old boy with a 15-year-old girl.
00:37:56.000 Now there is literally an episode on Have a Seat with Chris Hansen like that with a nervous 18-year-old virgin boy trying to meet up with a 15-year-old girl, which we don't advocate, but it's no guy my age with a girl underage.
00:38:13.000 It's hard to watch.
00:38:14.000 They literally ruined the poor kid's life.
00:38:16.000 And the sheriff from the department they're doing these sting operations with is interviewed by Chris Hansen and calling the poor kid sick and depraved and this and that.
00:38:25.000 The fucking guy is portrayed in the first episode as a hero as he is marching with Black Lives Matter and being a complete treacherous little cuck.
00:38:32.000 Fuck the police's boss.
00:38:35.000 I'm not saying you should watch the episode right now, though it's pretty crazy to hear the boy cry, but it's more in the comments.
00:38:40.000 They're fucking gold.
00:38:42.000 And the dislikes on the video just show you how the majority don't have a fucking problem with a high school senior going out with the sophomore.
00:38:47.000 Now, I went to prom.
00:38:50.000 I think my girlfriend in high school was 15 when I was 18.
00:38:55.000 I was maybe 17.
00:38:58.000 But I think I did this.
00:39:00.000 I'm here.
00:39:00.000 I hear myself.
00:39:01.000 Yeah, I had one like that too.
00:39:03.000 I think when I was 17, I think I dated a 15-year-old.
00:39:08.000 Which was like two grades lower.
00:39:09.000 Yeah.
00:39:10.000 My name was.
00:39:10.000 When I was in 9th grade, I was in 11th grade.
00:39:12.000 Mine was like that too.
00:39:13.000 And there wasn't any weirdness to it.
00:39:14.000 No, nobody's.
00:39:15.000 No, it was a little weird.
00:39:16.000 Oh, I have to admit.
00:39:17.000 Yeah.
00:39:18.000 We had like two years apart.
00:39:19.000 We were like, I'll just wait.
00:39:21.000 We waited to do things.
00:39:24.000 Yeah, I think we waited too, but we were dating early.
00:39:27.000 But anyway, let's see this.
00:39:31.000 You got him.
00:39:34.000 Get the pedophiles off the streets.
00:39:41.000 If they would dare.
00:39:42.000 Wouldn't you love to see this Chris Hansen in London with Pakistanis?
00:39:47.000 Wouldn't that be the end of his career?
00:39:49.000 No, he would be the beginning.
00:39:52.000 Grooming all these British girls.
00:39:56.000 You know, no matter how many times I do this, you still...
00:39:59.000 Wonder if this one...
00:40:01.000 Wonder if this was a fucked up thing to do to an 18-year-old.
00:40:05.000 Have a hard go with somebody who's on the young side, even though legally they're an adult.
00:40:10.000 So you have to hope in this case that Chon does learn a lesson.
00:40:14.000 It would seem that he'd be a candidate for probation.
00:40:18.000 And if he can stay out of trouble and learn something from this, go to college.
00:40:23.000 Shut up, Chris.
00:40:24.000 We don't want to be known as the...
00:40:25.000 We're showing you this microcosm of our show, and I don't want you to think that we regularly defend sex with 14-year-old girls.
00:40:36.000 What's up with all the cartoons?
00:40:37.000 I'm like, what's the matter with fucking a 14-year-old?
00:40:41.000 Once again, on today's show, we delve into the times it's okay to fuck a 14-year-old.
00:40:48.000 And they're canceling the cartoons.
00:40:49.000 What else are they going to watch when they bring us to the moment?
00:40:51.000 I mean, what's next?
00:40:52.000 First of all, Pepe LePue's bad, and now fucking a 14-year-old's bad?
00:40:57.000 What if she's horny?
00:41:00.000 I'm turning into Jerry Seinfeld.
00:41:02.000 I notice things.
00:41:05.000 All right, so that's, we usually end the show with a thing we call the final video, which was recorded by a band called the Beastie Boys.
00:41:29.000 Okay.
00:41:31.000 So, cops are monsters.
00:41:33.000 They shoot black people for sport.
00:41:35.000 They're all racist.
00:41:36.000 They have terrible training.
00:41:37.000 That's a big thing you hear.
00:41:39.000 Like Derek Chauvin.
00:41:41.000 Actually, I don't know how it's pronounced in America.
00:41:42.000 I'm from Quebec.
00:41:43.000 So when I see that spelling, I think Chauvin, but they probably call him Chauvin.
00:41:47.000 Just like Gouverneur, the prison where Max Hare is, is called governor.
00:41:53.000 But you got to understand, cops are trained to punch you in the face.
00:41:57.000 Punching someone in the face is a great reboot.
00:41:59.000 If someone's acting like a fucking asshole, nothing reboots your hard drive like a punch to the head.
00:42:04.000 So that's why they punch you in the face when they're putting your arms behind your back.
00:42:08.000 Also, the chauvin knee on the neck that you saw happen to George Floyd for eight minutes that caused God knows how many deaths.
00:42:17.000 And dude, there was just a death today, I believe.
00:42:20.000 Today or yesterday.
00:42:21.000 Did you know that the George Floyd area now has a chaz?
00:42:24.000 Yeah, and a kid got shot and it killed.
00:42:26.000 A kid got shot and killed.
00:42:28.000 Yeah.
00:42:28.000 Police couldn't get killed.
00:42:30.000 They're trying to drag him out of the zone so that way he can get attention.
00:42:32.000 Well, yeah, because cops aren't allowed into chaz.
00:42:35.000 Floyd chaz.
00:42:36.000 Flaz, we'll call it.
00:42:39.000 So people die in this myth.
00:42:43.000 Defending the myth that innocent people are being killed.
00:42:48.000 The knee on the neck is part of police procedure.
00:42:51.000 It's a way to hold a perp down who's delirious and might be having a heart attack at ODing.
00:42:56.000 And it's a way, believe it or not, to get him to breathe.
00:42:59.000 Yeah, you heard me.
00:43:00.000 When you have a knee on the neck, you're keeping him flat and trying to help him breathe.
00:43:05.000 I know that sounds crazy, but that's the way it is.
00:43:08.000 And if you check the police manuals of Minneapolis, they show that particular move.
00:43:15.000 Because you have to understand, the guy's not coming from sitting at a desk talking to his friend.
00:43:20.000 He's coming from fighting the cops, having a heart attack, freaking out.
00:43:24.000 You're trying to subdue him till the ambulance comes.
00:43:26.000 That's what they were trying to do.
00:43:28.000 Unfortunately, he was ODing on fentanyl.
00:43:32.000 And that shuts your lungs down and you die no matter what position you're put in.
00:43:36.000 Anyway, the truth of that case is, if he's found innocent, no matter what the evidence, there's going to be riots in the streets.
00:43:45.000 So the judge is probably going to be a pussy and do what they did with Rodney King and just say, everyone's guilty.
00:43:54.000 Throw them in jail.
00:43:55.000 I don't want to get fired.
00:43:57.000 And so Chauvin will go to jail for doing the right thing.
00:44:01.000 Yeah, you heard me.
00:44:03.000 He didn't do anything wrong.
00:44:04.000 Derek Chauvin did nothing wrong.
00:44:06.000 And George Floyd Ode'd.
00:44:08.000 I'm sorry.
00:44:08.000 Anyway.
00:44:09.000 You know, he ate his drugs before, too.
00:44:10.000 There was another situation where he did that.
00:44:12.000 Yeah, he had a pile of...
00:44:13.000 Fentanyl, by the way, is so potent that when the cops go to pick it up, they wear hazmat suits.
00:44:19.000 They're picking up plutonium as far as they're concerned.
00:44:22.000 But he ate a whole bunch of it.
00:44:25.000 On Anthony's show, he said he did it before, too.
00:44:27.000 It was on record that he had done that same eat the drugs move.
00:44:30.000 Oh, really?
00:44:31.000 Yeah.
00:44:31.000 And he survived.
00:44:32.000 I just heard that.
00:44:33.000 Huh.
00:44:34.000 Because you can see him throw it in his mouth in the video.
00:44:37.000 But anyway.
00:44:39.000 Here's an angle you don't usually see about what cops have to deal with.
00:44:44.000 And we're very pro-cop on the show here.
00:44:47.000 And these are guys answering a call from a dude.
00:44:50.000 Look at that beautiful tile work.
00:44:52.000 I'm sorry to get lost in craftsmanship, but what a lost art that is.
00:44:58.000 Just perfect.
00:45:00.000 Literally perfect.
00:45:02.000 So they get a call from a guy, and this has volume, I hope.
00:45:07.000 Yep.
00:45:07.000 It's up.
00:45:08.000 Is this a not safe for work deal?
00:45:11.000 This is not safe for work.
00:45:12.000 Well, no, I don't think so.
00:45:13.000 You don't see anyone like really with their lemon peeled back.
00:45:17.000 Okay.
00:45:20.000 Can you hear it?
00:45:21.000 No.
00:45:21.000 Ah, shit.
00:45:23.000 Because there's a police, maybe they'll go do the police camp.
00:45:26.000 So this guy's, they answer a call.
00:45:29.000 Oh, you're not seeing anything here.
00:45:30.000 This sucks.
00:45:31.000 So they're moving over to the side so you can see me and it.
00:45:35.000 So they're answering a call, and the guy's very friendly.
00:45:38.000 And they go, Hey, how you doing?
00:45:39.000 He goes, Yeah, man, just had to call you.
00:45:43.000 And then they go, Okay, this seems safe.
00:45:44.000 They come up the stairs to see what's going on.
00:45:47.000 And he runs out and pulls a gun.
00:45:52.000 Boom, boom.
00:45:53.000 Like, go back.
00:45:54.000 Go fucking back.
00:45:56.000 These trigger, these cops, they keep saying they're trigger happy.
00:46:01.000 This is not, how trigger happy can you be when this is your life?
00:46:04.000 Look at this.
00:46:05.000 One, one thousand two, one thousand three.
00:46:07.000 Boom.
00:46:09.000 Like, thank God the guy is shitty aim.
00:46:11.000 He's a stormtrooper, probably.
00:46:13.000 And he doesn't get that first guy in that fucking head.
00:46:17.000 Look at him.
00:46:18.000 Look at that.
00:46:20.000 How long, how much warning did they have?
00:46:22.000 This isn't a hostage situation.
00:46:23.000 This is a guy who is being super friendly.
00:46:26.000 Hey, man, I'm just making pizza.
00:46:29.000 And then I'm trying to kill you.
00:46:30.000 And by the way, I blame the media for this because the media has portrayed cops as vigilante fucking boba fettes who go and just kill people.
00:46:40.000 By the way, I'm watching The Mandalorian regularly with my youngest boy, so you're going to hear a lot of Star Wars references.
00:46:48.000 So in a strange way, I kind of get this guy.
00:46:52.000 Hold on.
00:46:53.000 Stop.
00:46:57.000 Wow.
00:46:59.000 I kind of get this guy because he's dumb and the media is telling him that cops are hunting black people all day.
00:47:06.000 That was too much of indecence.
00:47:07.000 You go, all right, well, I don't like that.
00:47:10.000 My dad is black.
00:47:11.000 My brother's black.
00:47:12.000 I want to shoot back.
00:47:15.000 So there's some culpability here from fucking CNN, Black Lives Matter, MSNBC.
00:47:22.000 They are responsible for this.
00:47:24.000 So here it is with volume.
00:47:59.000 They put the gun down.
00:48:02.000 Now, obviously, if he has a gun, he's there to kill them.
00:48:09.000 Thank God, no cops got shot there.
00:48:12.000 Did they get him?
00:48:13.000 I don't know.
00:48:23.000 Anyway, folks, that is, was supposed to be a half-hour version of the show.
00:48:28.000 It ended up being 50 minutes.
00:48:31.000 That's what we do.
00:48:32.000 We do a bunch of segments.
00:48:33.000 There's also often interviews.
00:48:35.000 There's also often a green screen.
00:48:39.000 And I'm usually sober when I do this show.
00:48:42.000 So that's another difference with tonight.
00:48:45.000 But get fired, get in trouble.
00:48:48.000 Wait, wait, wait.
00:48:49.000 So I'm going to say the ending, and then we're going to cut to like a whatever screen, play some the streets, and then we're going to come back and we're going to do that commercial thing, and then we're going to take calls and do drawings.
00:49:00.000 Yes.
00:49:01.000 All right.
00:49:01.000 So get fired, get in trouble, be brave, and never stop fighting.
00:49:25.000 Burst in the room.
00:49:26.000 Nurse me on Tuesday, 21st of June.
00:49:36.000 You know how the Ramones did Pet Cemetery and they got kind of weirder or more normal as they got older?
00:49:42.000 Yeah.
00:49:43.000 Which all bands inevitably do.
00:49:45.000 ACDC did not.
00:49:47.000 ACDC were the only band that never evolved.
00:49:51.000 And people want to hear what made you great.
00:49:54.000 They want to hear the Kingsman do Louie Louie.
00:49:57.000 And I think that song is Mike Skinner doing I Want to Be Sedated as the Ramones in like 2000.
00:50:09.000 You know what I mean?
00:50:13.000 Like he's remembering what made him great and he's going, I'm just going to do what made me great, which is doing a weird outside-the-box, brutally honest song, which is on the 21st of June, people are going to be looking for the bag.
00:50:29.000 What I found about Coke when you're old, you get a slightly up buzz, but nothing fancy.
00:50:36.000 And you can drink a little bit more, but nothing fancy.
00:50:39.000 And then 24 hours later, you're blue.
00:50:45.000 You're a sad guy.
00:50:47.000 And you don't know why.
00:50:48.000 You don't know why you hate your life.
00:50:50.000 When you're my age, you're very in control of your life.
00:50:53.000 So it's weird to be sad because you go, I can just move.
00:50:57.000 Like I can get on a plane.
00:51:00.000 We can go anywhere.
00:51:01.000 We can go to Morocco.
00:51:02.000 So it's weird to be melancholy when you're my age, especially if you have money.
00:51:08.000 But Coke does that.
00:51:10.000 And you just go in a lot.
00:51:11.000 But I remember being a young man, 30 years old, and you would just be like, ah, I guess I'm depressed tonight.
00:51:17.000 That's gay.
00:51:19.000 And go out and have fun.
00:51:20.000 Anyway.
00:51:22.000 So I feel obligated to finish the things that we didn't cover in the fake mini episode.
00:51:31.000 What do you think of that?
00:51:32.000 I think yes.
00:51:34.000 I get the depressed feeling after hangovers, too.
00:51:36.000 And you get it too, though, right?
00:51:38.000 Not with hangovers, no.
00:51:40.000 I get scared at three in the morning of real impending fear.
00:51:46.000 I've been having a lot of war dreams these days.
00:51:49.000 I got shot in the head the other day.
00:51:50.000 Oh, yeah?
00:51:51.000 Yeah.
00:51:51.000 In a dream.
00:51:52.000 It sucks.
00:51:53.000 That's ironic because that's my dream.
00:51:55.000 I got shot in the head in your dream, actually.
00:51:59.000 I had a fucking crazy dream last night where there was this black girl outside like a ski lodge, and I haven't been laid in a while.
00:52:05.000 So I'm very horny and I don't beat off, as you know.
00:52:09.000 And She was a very pretty young, like Candace Owens type of black girl.
00:52:14.000 And she wanted to make out.
00:52:17.000 I made out with her.
00:52:19.000 And I, you know, with a mustache, when you make out with girls, if they're not used to it, it's kind of weird.
00:52:24.000 And I was grabbing the back of her head and really like, this nigga is asshole me!
00:52:33.000 Like going for it, right?
00:52:35.000 And then after, she was kind of taken aback and really into me.
00:52:43.000 And I had to go.
00:52:44.000 And I was worried my wife would smell like, I don't know, lipstick on my breath.
00:52:49.000 So I was like pouring whiskey on my lips and stuff.
00:52:51.000 So there would be no evidence of the transgression.
00:52:54.000 Then being good at it, if you.
00:52:56.000 But here's the crazy part.
00:52:59.000 It made me remember being single like in the late 20s, early 30s.
00:53:05.000 And some of making out with chicks was power and just getting a yes.
00:53:13.000 Like obviously it feels good to make your dick go in and out of a vagina and get a blowjob and all that.
00:53:18.000 And if you're romantic and you're really into her, that is fun.
00:53:21.000 But in those cases, you're thinking this could be the one and you're laying the groundwork for like a future.
00:53:27.000 But sometimes it was a power trip.
00:53:29.000 And here's how you know that you're in one of those times when they say yes and you're like, I could go home now.
00:53:38.000 Like she invited me back to her place.
00:53:40.000 I'm good.
00:53:42.000 In fact, sometimes you go back to her place, or I did, just to confirm that you really are giving permission for this, huh?
00:53:50.000 And then the second it's like, you're like, all right, well, I got permission.
00:53:54.000 I won.
00:53:55.000 Bye.
00:53:57.000 Or you really want to overdo it.
00:53:59.000 I think if you're not interested in her, you want to overdo it so you get some sort of strange admiration from it, which you don't always get, by the way.
00:54:08.000 A lot of the times we're like, could you go?
00:54:10.000 Like one time I fucked this girl and she I was walking out the door and the next morning, this is back in Montreal days and she goes, Gavin.
00:54:17.000 And I'm just walking out going, yeah.
00:54:19.000 And she goes, don't tell anyone about this.
00:54:22.000 Okay.
00:54:23.000 So I'm not pretending that I'm like this Fabio that leaves them pepula pewing.
00:54:30.000 They're pepula puking.
00:54:36.000 But there are times when you sense you have power, and those are exhilarating times as a man.
00:54:41.000 And I think there's definitely a large percentage of sexual intercourse of any kind, even kissing, when you're single, where you just kind of want to have power over her.
00:54:53.000 And then she likes you and you're like, yeah.
00:54:55.000 It's mega-valid.
00:54:57.000 Yep.
00:54:57.000 Fucked around and you found out.
00:55:02.000 It's the conquest.
00:55:03.000 That's the whole thing about dreams.
00:55:04.000 Sometimes you learn stuff from them.
00:55:06.000 Because I was surprised that I wasn't into her, but that I was so determined to make the kissing good in the dream.
00:55:14.000 And what you were saying about like for that to stick around, like your reputation to stick around or something?
00:55:18.000 Like you leave some legend that swooped in her life and like gave her a thrill and then left and she's like, that guy.
00:55:24.000 Well, that's how I got my wife.
00:55:28.000 I left a business card in Jennifer.
00:55:32.000 The fuck's her name?
00:55:34.000 She worked at Fat Records.
00:55:37.000 I ate her out like with the greatest care one could ever eat anyone out.
00:55:44.000 Like more than I would care if I was to eat you out.
00:55:47.000 That means a lot to her.
00:55:49.000 Jennifer, what the fuck was her name?
00:55:52.000 She was Asian, right?
00:55:53.000 No.
00:55:53.000 Oh.
00:55:54.000 Short, very short girl.
00:55:58.000 But you left a business card in her pussy.
00:56:01.000 It's a metaphor.
00:56:02.000 I ate her pussy so well that I knew she would talk about it.
00:56:04.000 Oh, yeah.
00:56:05.000 And word got out to my wife, who lived in San Francisco and worked at Fat Records.
00:56:10.000 And then when she met me, she's like, I know you.
00:56:12.000 You're the vice guy.
00:56:14.000 But I wasn't just the vice guy.
00:56:15.000 I was the guy that Jen had talked about.
00:56:16.000 Oh, my God.
00:56:17.000 I came so hard.
00:56:19.000 Yep.
00:56:21.000 You're the eat chicks out guy.
00:56:23.000 I'm the.
00:56:24.000 Yeah, it definitely works.
00:56:27.000 Well, here's the secret.
00:56:28.000 You can look up my vice guide eating pussy if you must.
00:56:30.000 But the basic secret is very simple.
00:56:33.000 I know you want to go bananas like the pig at a trough.
00:56:36.000 I know it's a pie-eating contest to you.
00:56:38.000 And you're a big fat pig that hasn't eaten all day.
00:56:40.000 So you just want to go...
00:56:43.000 Don't do that.
00:56:45.000 Take your fucking time.
00:56:47.000 And when I say take your time, I mean...
00:56:51.000 Hold on, it's like...
00:56:52.000 This is vice.com and they still have your thing on there?
00:56:55.000 It's very rare.
00:56:55.000 I talk about this article so much that they can't not have my byline.
00:57:01.000 Was that the original title?
00:57:03.000 No, that's a different article, actually.
00:57:05.000 I did write that, too, which is considered racist because I talked about different races in it.
00:57:10.000 No, it's the Vice Guide Eating Pussy.
00:57:13.000 But like, that was a long one between.
00:57:34.000 I know.
00:57:34.000 That's what I'm talking about.
00:57:36.000 And of course, at the end, you're like, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
00:57:40.000 But it should take like two minutes to get to that point.
00:57:44.000 If you just come in going, blah, blah, blah, it's like being a DJ and the club opens at 8 p.m. and you start playing jungle.
00:57:53.000 Fire!
00:57:53.000 I'm going to have to burn the play down.
00:57:57.000 You got to start with some slow jams.
00:58:00.000 Some Jimmy Cliff.
00:58:01.000 Get them in the zone.
00:58:03.000 Hello.
00:58:04.000 Got a base.
00:58:06.000 Anyway, can we get this feminism out of the way?
00:58:08.000 Yes.
00:58:10.000 We have a lot of feminism drops.
00:58:12.000 We do.
00:58:13.000 I'll pick this one.
00:58:23.000 Feminism.
00:58:26.000 Short one.
00:58:27.000 I do not remember that one.
00:58:28.000 Can I see the beginning again?
00:58:30.000 What was that from?
00:58:31.000 Sam Hyde, The Million Dollar Extreme Show.
00:58:33.000 Oh, Tim Heidecker luckily shut down.
00:58:36.000 Oh, yeah.
00:58:37.000 God for Tim Heidecker, Policing Comedy across the globe.
00:58:41.000 And Brett Gelman.
00:58:44.000 Nick.
00:58:45.000 You tripped my life.
00:58:46.000 I saw you do it.
00:58:47.000 You know why Brett Gelman shut down or not?
00:58:52.000 He didn't shut down shit.
00:58:53.000 Tim Heidecker shuts down shows.
00:58:55.000 Brett Gelman, they go, you're incredibly talented, which I reluctantly concede he is.
00:59:03.000 And they go, can you get us women to do shit?
00:59:06.000 Because affirmative action is everywhere and there's too many white males running comedy.
00:59:12.000 How about you just focus on funny and forget the ethnicity and the gender of the people doing it?
00:59:18.000 No, no, no.
00:59:18.000 We need to get women.
00:59:20.000 So he goes, well, I have the perfect woman for you.
00:59:23.000 And they're like, oh, great.
00:59:24.000 The new Sarah Silverman, the new Wanda Sykes, the new Tina Faye.
00:59:28.000 You got a funny chick.
00:59:29.000 And he goes, yeah, her name's my wife.
00:59:32.000 And they go, the bald black chick?
00:59:35.000 Yes, she's hilarious.
00:59:37.000 Well, yeah, everyone thinks their wife's hilarious.
00:59:40.000 Dude, she's a stylist.
00:59:42.000 I know, but she's really funny and she buys us cool hats.
00:59:47.000 And they go, okay, we'll give you some time to come up with someone else.
00:59:51.000 But eventually we're going to need you to come up with something better than that weird eight-year-old black boy that you're married to, who's in a chocolate ad from the 1940s.
01:00:02.000 Yeah, that looks racist.
01:00:05.000 And he goes, okay, fine.
01:00:08.000 And then he comes back with his wife.
01:00:12.000 How about her?
01:00:14.000 And they go, that looks like the same black woman you had before, but just without a hat.
01:00:18.000 Her hair is a hat now.
01:00:20.000 And he's like, okay, I'll go back to the drawing board.
01:00:23.000 Oh, I have one.
01:00:25.000 How about this?
01:00:26.000 And he introduces this young comedic writer.
01:00:30.000 And they go, yeah, this is just with more hair.
01:00:34.000 Sorry, you can't keep submitting Charlene McRae here.
01:00:38.000 Eventually, we're going to say, fuck you.
01:00:41.000 So they did say, fuck you.
01:00:42.000 So then he had to leave because he hadn't done his job.
01:00:46.000 He could have just said, and by the way, everyone in comedy knows like seven funny chicks.
01:00:53.000 But he just couldn't bring himself to introduce them to Adult Swim.
01:00:57.000 So then he goes, actually, so they go, okay, well, you were done with you.
01:01:00.000 Fuck off.
01:01:01.000 And he goes, okay, I have to spin this.
01:01:05.000 I know.
01:01:06.000 I left because of Sam Hyde and racism.
01:01:10.000 What?
01:01:11.000 It was driving you nuts.
01:01:12.000 Okay, here she is doing a thing.
01:01:13.000 Let's see how funny it is.
01:01:14.000 I think this is just an interview.
01:01:15.000 No, you're not.
01:01:16.000 It's my favorite movie about kids.
01:01:19.000 Yes.
01:01:19.000 And there is this scene.
01:01:21.000 I'm keeping this away, but the movie came out decades ago.
01:01:25.000 There's a scene with a little boy, and he's playing with this baguette, and his name is Gregory, and pushing it up a flight of stairs, and eventually he falls out of the window.
01:01:33.000 But he keeps saying, Gregory, go boom, Gregory, go boom.
01:01:37.000 And then he falls out of a window, but everything's fine.
01:01:39.000 And that's where the title came from.
01:01:41.000 Everything's not fine in this short film.
01:01:43.000 I don't know if you remember.
01:01:49.000 So not funny.
01:01:50.000 Sad.
01:01:51.000 Anyway, so we did the feminism intro.
01:01:55.000 Burger King.
01:01:57.000 Burger King is two things at once.
01:02:00.000 It is incredibly cool Sam Hyde hilariosity where they use misdirects to varying degrees and usually incredibly effective.
01:02:12.000 Then they get shat on because everyone takes it literally.
01:02:15.000 Then they apologize and say, I can't believe I did that.
01:02:18.000 Then they do it again.
01:02:20.000 I'm lost.
01:02:22.000 I think it's men.
01:02:23.000 This is my hunch.
01:02:25.000 Men at the ad agency coming up with great things that are misdirects.
01:02:30.000 Like 10 things I hate about the Jews, how to fight a baby, divorce your wife, things that sound shocking.
01:02:38.000 Like I'm working with a guy who is working on a new kind of recycling program that's more focused.
01:02:44.000 And I'm like, I know what you got to do.
01:02:46.000 You got to call it stop recycling.
01:02:48.000 Recycling's for faggots.
01:02:49.000 Recycling is bullshit.
01:02:51.000 He's like, that's very provocative, but I don't think we want to do that.
01:02:55.000 Because my point is 90% of what you put in that stupid bin goes to landfills in Southeast Asia.
01:03:02.000 Sorry, rivers in Southeast Asia.
01:03:04.000 You'd be better off putting most of your shit in the garbage because at least it'll go to landfills.
01:03:09.000 His thing is mostly cans, which is great because these actually get recycled.
01:03:14.000 So you go, stop recycling.
01:03:17.000 It's bullshit.
01:03:18.000 And then you go, but do it this way.
01:03:20.000 And they do get recycled.
01:03:21.000 Anyway, sorry.
01:03:22.000 I like Miss Directs.
01:03:24.000 I like the National Inquirer where they go, fucking Miley Cyrus wishes she was an old, ugly bag is the headline.
01:03:32.000 And the picture is Miley Cyrus with a cane going, hello, I'm old and ugly.
01:03:37.000 And then you read the article and she goes, I'd like to eventually accept more mature roles in acting.
01:03:43.000 Now that's a boring thing, but you want to spice it up, so you make it exciting.
01:03:49.000 So Burger King seems to get that.
01:03:51.000 The men, and again, I'm guessing the genders here.
01:03:54.000 The men get that.
01:03:55.000 So they make an interesting zinger with a twist.
01:03:59.000 Then there's backlash.
01:04:00.000 And then the women who are in charge of social media shit their pants and capitulate.
01:04:06.000 So this was the Burger King tweet.
01:04:09.000 Women belong in the kitchen.
01:04:12.000 Right?
01:04:13.000 That gets you interested.
01:04:15.000 You look it up.
01:04:17.000 There's the at.
01:04:19.000 Women belong in the kitchen.
01:04:22.000 Now, this is something I actually believe, San's irony, but they clearly don't.
01:04:27.000 Why would Burger King say women belong in the kitchen?
01:04:32.000 Why would Burger King go full Archie bunker like that?
01:04:36.000 They obviously would not.
01:04:38.000 So if you pretend, by the way, I want that piece of paper.
01:04:41.000 Yeah.
01:04:42.000 Wouldn't that be well framed in your kitchen?
01:04:45.000 It looks retrospective.
01:04:46.000 Like a really fancy frame.
01:04:47.000 And I like the font they used.
01:04:51.000 So anyway, when you check the actual context, the actual syntax behind it, they're clearly Saying that women belong in high-end restaurants.
01:05:03.000 Apparently, at Le Cirque and at Keene Steakhouse, most of the major chefs who are making $250,000 a year are male.
01:05:12.000 And they're saying women belong in those kitchens.
01:05:16.000 So, obviously, the reference is saying that women belong in high-end kitchens and they don't belong in residential kitchens.
01:05:27.000 So, it looks like it's a sexist statement, but it's actually obviously a feminist statement.
01:05:36.000 That's what good advertising does.
01:05:38.000 It piques your interest, and then you look in and you go, oh, it's not what I thought.
01:05:46.000 So they immediately apologized.
01:05:48.000 I got to go piss again.
01:05:50.000 And it reminds me of this Burger King racism thing.
01:05:55.000 Actually, I sent you it weeks ago.
01:05:57.000 You'll have to dig that up.
01:05:58.000 Why don't you show yourself while you look that up?
01:06:00.000 And try just once, Ryan, to engage the audience and be interesting.
01:06:07.000 It's hard to do this and talk, but I'm going to try.
01:06:15.000 Okay.
01:06:17.000 Burger King tweet.
01:06:19.000 Looking for it.
01:06:21.000 Well, I stumbled upon some interesting information, by the by.
01:06:25.000 And this, I don't know if this was going to get mentioned, but KFC responded to the tweet, and they deleted it since.
01:06:33.000 Everybody's deleting it.
01:06:36.000 So they said that the best time to delete this post was immediately after posting it.
01:06:41.000 The second best time is now.
01:06:43.000 So, you know, anytime these like Wendy's or something or McDonald says something, they'll go back and forth.
01:06:51.000 Or like with crackers, like Nabisco.
01:06:53.000 I didn't know that.
01:06:54.000 Yeah.
01:06:54.000 I would think there'd be some sort of gang truce where it's like, look, man, I won't fuck with you when you fuck up.
01:07:00.000 You don't fuck with me.
01:07:01.000 That would be good, but no, they seem to, they pile on.
01:07:04.000 They're like, well, you thought what they said was bad?
01:07:06.000 We do too.
01:07:07.000 And we make chicken.
01:07:09.000 I don't think there's competition with Burger King in KFC.
01:07:12.000 If I feel like a burger, I feel like a burger.
01:07:13.000 If I feel like chicken, I feel like chicken.
01:07:14.000 Oh, yeah, good point.
01:07:18.000 I'm still looking for this.
01:07:20.000 Dude, it's been...
01:07:21.000 Was it Burger King?
01:07:22.000 Yes, it was Burger King.
01:07:25.000 So they had, you remember the Burger King crown guy?
01:07:29.000 Where he has a facial tattoo.
01:07:31.000 He's obviously out of his mind.
01:07:33.000 And he was yelling the N-word on a plane.
01:07:36.000 He bumped some woman.
01:07:37.000 She got, she threatened him.
01:07:40.000 And he said, F-U-N, which we don't advocate here on this show.
01:07:46.000 And she said, what the fuck?
01:07:48.000 And everyone's speaking on the plane.
01:07:50.000 But instead of him going, I can't believe I said that, he doubled down and regularly said, yeah, I think at one point he said, I'm part black.
01:08:00.000 This actually isn't in my notes.
01:08:01.000 So see if you can find the Burger King crown racist guy.
01:08:07.000 On the plane.
01:08:08.000 On the plane.
01:08:09.000 And then find Burger King had an ad where they said, we are really concerned about racism, blah, blah, blah.
01:08:16.000 It wasn't remotely funny like the woman belong in the kitchen thing.
01:08:20.000 And that's, by the way, the crux of this issue here is that we're losing our sense of humor.
01:08:24.000 When Burger King said women belong in the kitchen, they were clearly being funny.
01:08:29.000 It's called a joke.
01:08:33.000 We've lost our...
01:08:34.000 When I say we, I mean the left.
01:08:36.000 There we go.
01:08:39.000 Call the fucking police right now.
01:08:41.000 I know you signed.
01:08:44.000 Good.
01:08:44.000 We're going to come attack them.
01:08:46.000 Thank you.
01:08:46.000 Is this the first one or the second one?
01:08:48.000 Yeah, there was two.
01:08:51.000 It looks like the first one.
01:08:53.000 Where is 25A?
01:08:56.000 Where is 25A?
01:08:59.000 By the way, stop.
01:09:02.000 What a crazy fashion sense he has.
01:09:05.000 So it seems to be a silk dress shirt.
01:09:09.000 It's a Bloods COVID mask.
01:09:12.000 The shirt's in incredible condition.
01:09:16.000 It's brand new.
01:09:17.000 It's probably a $200 shirt.
01:09:18.000 A little embroidery there with a rabbit.
01:09:21.000 I like the shirt a lot, actually.
01:09:23.000 A little rabbit?
01:09:24.000 My concern would be it doesn't make your shoulders look good, but that's because I have Grover body.
01:09:29.000 But it's a great shirt.
01:09:31.000 And then he strangely has like a pocket square and a phone in it.
01:09:36.000 Or maybe the pink thing is part of his phone.
01:09:38.000 It doesn't look like it.
01:09:40.000 They're not parallel lines.
01:09:42.000 We got that embroidered rabbit there, which is weird.
01:09:44.000 It's a soft collar.
01:09:46.000 And he's got an M on his pocket.
01:09:49.000 So it's a beautiful shirt.
01:09:52.000 Maybe his dad died and left him a million bucks, and he's doing math.
01:09:56.000 So he's got a bizarre, shitty facial tattoo.
01:09:59.000 Not that there's a lot of good facial tattoos.
01:10:02.000 Maybe Mike Tyson is the only guy who has a quote-unquote classy facial tattoo.
01:10:07.000 You're saying that just in case you meet him.
01:10:09.000 You know, it's classy.
01:10:10.000 In case you have to fight one day.
01:10:13.000 His hair is obviously not sophisticated like mine, but it's clean.
01:10:20.000 It's brushed.
01:10:21.000 And then he regularly wears a Burger King crown, which is not beaten up, by the way.
01:10:29.000 Which implies that he has like 37 of them in a briefcase.
01:10:35.000 Why is his Burger King crown always so impeccable?
01:10:42.000 This guy's a mystery, man.
01:10:44.000 An artist?
01:10:46.000 Oh, that's a good call.
01:10:47.000 Like a Mickey Avalon?
01:10:49.000 He's a painter.
01:10:52.000 He's a painter and he's drunk out of his mind.
01:10:54.000 And what happened was a black woman was in his seat and she said, you're in my seat.
01:11:01.000 And then he said, he was drunk.
01:11:02.000 He said, get the fuck out of my seat, bitch.
01:11:04.000 And then that pissed her off.
01:11:05.000 So she punched him in the stomach.
01:11:07.000 And then he said, nigger.
01:11:11.000 I didn't say nigger and the time are you.
01:11:18.000 I want to press Trump.
01:11:21.000 Nobody fucking.
01:11:22.000 Take this shit, nigga, fuck out of my seat.
01:11:29.000 Kick the nigga bitch off the plane!
01:11:34.000 Kick the nigga bitch off the plane!
01:11:39.000 It looks like he's musing somebody over to the right.
01:11:41.000 That's not necessary.
01:11:42.000 That's not how you use that word.
01:11:43.000 Get out of my seat, please.
01:11:45.000 We will take care of it, but I need you to stop me up.
01:11:49.000 We'll take care of it, but he needs to stop going, no, dude, you're off the plane.
01:11:53.000 You're not getting your seat back.
01:11:54.000 It's not going to be fine.
01:11:56.000 But anyway, so that went viral long ago.
01:11:59.000 And then Burger King had a whole thing about the crown, about racism, about how you have to be brave and you have to, quote unquote, wear the crown.
01:12:12.000 Now that begs the question, had they seen this viral video that was absolutely everywhere?
01:12:21.000 Excuse my incessant burping.
01:12:24.000 Or were they trying to take back the crown?
01:12:32.000 What do you got?
01:12:35.000 No, that's not it.
01:12:36.000 Ryan, I sent you this.
01:12:38.000 I've been sending it to you for weeks.
01:12:39.000 I can send it to you again.
01:12:40.000 It's on my phone.
01:12:42.000 But it's an ad.
01:12:47.000 Oh, that's a sad text I got from our bartender down the street.
01:12:52.000 Been alone since you left, leaving now to catch the last bus.
01:12:56.000 Oh, is that a suicide note?
01:13:00.000 Alone.
01:13:03.000 Michael Graves, my kids making funny faces.
01:13:06.000 Here we go.
01:13:08.000 So I'll email that to you.
01:13:09.000 It was for Black History Month.
01:13:11.000 This has been in the notes for many days, which is why I want to get it out of here now.
01:13:15.000 I'll go over to mail.
01:13:17.000 I'll click Ryan, which is your name.
01:13:21.000 See, this is how you keep them engaged, by the way, while you're doing stuff.
01:13:24.000 BK, we'll call it.
01:13:27.000 861 megabytes, I think should be a good size.
01:13:31.000 Black History Month may be over, but black excellence continues to shine.
01:13:37.000 Stay tuned for more to come.
01:13:39.000 Hashtag wear your crown.
01:13:43.000 So now I'm inclined to think they knew that this thing blew up.
01:13:47.000 They were petrified that it would become a Nazi hat, like the Tiki torches in Charlottesville.
01:13:55.000 So they're saying, wear your crown, as in, it's sort of like what they tried to do with the Proud Boys, where they showed a bunch of people kissing and saying, we're proud boys, like that was going to bother them, which it obviously didn't because there's plenty of gays in the club.
01:14:12.000 I think they were trying to stop.
01:14:14.000 Yeah, that's what's going on here.
01:14:15.000 I'm positive now.
01:14:16.000 They were trying to stop a trend of Nazis wearing Burger King things.
01:14:20.000 Like this became a thing.
01:14:22.000 Drinking milk became a thing.
01:14:25.000 You know what I mean?
01:14:27.000 Remember the Mac the Knife, the McDonald's moon guy?
01:14:32.000 Yeah.
01:14:33.000 That became a thing.
01:14:35.000 And all the alt-right dudes were super into the McDonald's half-moon guy.
01:14:41.000 I solved it live.
01:14:42.000 You saw it live on the air.
01:14:43.000 He's like Mac's headroom, but like with food.
01:14:47.000 The moon man became a alt-right thing.
01:14:54.000 That's great.
01:14:56.000 That's fantastic.
01:14:56.000 And so they were petrified that that would happen to them.
01:15:00.000 And I guarantee you that it was women working in social media and they said, we need to nip this in the bud.
01:15:05.000 There was a guy on a plane who's becoming popular who said the N-word.
01:15:09.000 So let's say wearing the Burger King crown is an anti-racist move.
01:15:14.000 So they feel like they're dupes if they do it.
01:15:16.000 We believe in authenticity in people, their absolute genuine selves.
01:15:22.000 Part of that means celebrating impactful cultural moments while empowering individuals and funding organizations that push the culture forward.
01:15:31.000 Back excellence shouldn't be confined to a single month.
01:15:34.000 There are far too many accomplishments and achievements deserving of our attention.
01:15:38.000 Burger King fully supports you, the change ager for empowerment, truth, and equality.
01:15:46.000 Wear your crown today and every day.
01:15:51.000 And I get it.
01:15:52.000 The marketing was saying, let's just like throw a wrench in the works and add some confusion.
01:15:58.000 I don't want to overuse the word obfuscate because I say it every 10 minutes.
01:16:02.000 But if we can just throw a wrench into the works, and then when people see someone saying the endware with the crown, it could be ironic.
01:16:09.000 It could be satirical.
01:16:10.000 It could be a double entender.
01:16:14.000 All right, so that's what I wanted to get to in half an hour.
01:16:17.000 We are now an hour and 20 minutes in.
01:16:21.000 Look at what they did here.
01:16:26.000 That's a good idea.
01:16:28.000 You know what?
01:16:28.000 If I owned Burger King, or if I was the ad agency that was doing Burger King, in this day and age with all of this insane censorship and racism and sexism and homophobia everywhere, I would just be so fucking weird.
01:16:42.000 Yeah.
01:16:43.000 No one knew what we were doing.
01:16:44.000 KFC does a great job.
01:16:46.000 KFC does that.
01:16:47.000 There was the Illuminati Nacho Fries.
01:16:51.000 Remember that?
01:16:52.000 I forget who that was.
01:16:56.000 Was it Taco Bell?
01:16:57.000 Nacho Fries?
01:16:58.000 I can't remember.
01:16:59.000 Because they got the nacho fries.
01:17:00.000 But there was some restaurant that was talking about how the fries are part of the Illuminati.
01:17:06.000 And that obviously isn't meant to really get you.
01:17:11.000 Oh, there we go.
01:17:12.000 Taco Bell.
01:17:14.000 And then you get Charlie.
01:17:15.000 Now it's on Charlie Daniels to be weird.
01:17:18.000 And you're getting free advertising from Charlie Daniels.
01:17:21.000 This is the way to go, folks.
01:17:23.000 If you want a fast food brand.
01:17:25.000 Be fucking weird.
01:17:26.000 Wait, they're all banned now?
01:17:30.000 Those vids.
01:17:33.000 Whatever happened to that KFC Mario Lopez thing?
01:17:37.000 I fucked him at a party once because he had Coke.
01:17:40.000 I was at that party.
01:17:42.000 Please tell me I didn't say that on the live show.
01:17:44.000 You did.
01:17:45.000 Okay.
01:17:46.000 You said it before.
01:17:48.000 You bragged.
01:17:49.000 You went into detail last time.
01:17:51.000 You got a lot of anger.
01:17:52.000 We were experiencing technical difficulties.
01:17:55.000 Apparently someone has hacked the show and is adding a deep fake.
01:18:00.000 Oh, yes.
01:18:01.000 Of course.
01:18:02.000 They're making my face say things.
01:18:04.000 My name is Joe.
01:18:06.000 Wait, what?
01:18:08.000 That one wasn't even.
01:18:09.000 That was them doing that?
01:18:10.000 That was them doing that.
01:18:12.000 Okay.
01:18:13.000 So that wasn't you?
01:18:14.000 Covering.
01:18:17.000 I've never met Mario Lopez.
01:18:19.000 All right, let's do this.
01:18:22.000 Deep fake.
01:23:35.000 oh fuck i forgot gays hold on a second i'm gonna make gaze an X this sock is pink oh my boyfriend I hear about these guys they're bamboo whatever they are bombas bombas we donate this pair to someone in need so they're two white gays right I have two socks on my feet and a pink one coming out of my ass pink socks first order at bombas.com right tell someone
01:24:05.000 you're a financial advertising Ameriprize financial meriprize I never know what these skins look like oh no so we have a mixed female light skin and we have a black male and they are a couple which I have nomenclature for worked on tomorrow's goals there's a white woman so inter-business relationship So far,
01:24:34.000 we're at 100% like non-normal white.
01:24:36.000 Wait, stop fucking shit.
01:24:37.000 All chicks.
01:24:38.000 What is this?
01:24:39.000 One of color, two of regular.
01:24:41.000 Wait, what's the thing?
01:24:42.000 What are they advertising?
01:24:43.000 I don't know yet.
01:24:44.000 Okay.
01:24:46.000 So we've seen a white woman?
01:24:47.000 Products delivered to your door.
01:24:48.000 Seen a white woman and I saw a black woman, did I?
01:24:51.000 Yes.
01:24:51.000 Wait, go back.
01:24:52.000 Can you go back?
01:24:52.000 I can't go back.
01:24:53.000 Okay.
01:24:53.000 Good pause, though.
01:24:54.000 This is Ipsy.
01:24:56.000 Oh, you can't go back.
01:24:58.000 Oh, the friend.
01:25:00.000 You can't go back.
01:25:02.000 Big deal.
01:25:02.000 Price line.
01:25:03.000 Priceline.
01:25:04.000 Okay, it seems like.
01:25:05.000 Wait, wait, what was that previous one?
01:25:06.000 If we pause, it'll skip and go to the bottom.
01:25:08.000 Okay, this is fucking hard.
01:25:10.000 No more pausing.
01:25:10.000 All right, no more pause.
01:25:11.000 What was the previous one?
01:25:12.000 It was makeup.
01:25:13.000 I'll just say makeup.
01:25:13.000 Are you doing tally marks?
01:25:16.000 Am I doing what?
01:25:17.000 Tally marks might be the best way to go about it.
01:25:19.000 It's a quick little ch-cause they're flashing images quick.
01:25:23.000 So we got furniture.
01:25:24.000 Wait, we're done with priceline?
01:25:26.000 Yeah, that was a female.
01:25:27.000 White female.
01:25:28.000 Okay, right.
01:25:28.000 So this is a furniture store.
01:25:32.000 I think I missed this whole one.
01:25:34.000 Okay.
01:25:35.000 There's blacks, there's whites.
01:25:36.000 There's Raymond Flanagan.
01:25:40.000 Okay, I think I remember there was a white female, there was a black female, there was white, I don't know, there was a mixed.
01:25:47.000 That was the place.
01:25:49.000 It looked like a fair representation so far.
01:25:53.000 These aren't the cuckomercials, but there's a lot of them out there, but we're not getting any.
01:25:57.000 Okay, well, I will say, no, I won't say.
01:26:02.000 The only white thing has been priceline in a country that's 70% white.
01:26:11.000 Still let's look at it.
01:26:12.000 Look at her fucking makeup.
01:26:13.000 You could put that on a giraffe and it would look like a chick.
01:26:15.000 All right, let's start taking calls and see if you can put CBS News in the corner.
01:26:22.000 Okay.
01:26:22.000 Like right here.
01:26:24.000 And then when it's commercial time, we'll stop taking calls and try to work on this incredibly hard chart.
01:26:35.000 Which I think I'm going to have to sit down.
01:26:37.000 You know what you and I should do is watch TV for 24 hours.
01:26:40.000 That's fun.
01:26:41.000 And have a whole chart Excel spreadsheet with things we click on.
01:26:45.000 That's pretty neat.
01:26:46.000 Like when you count boxing, in boxing, when you're counting punches, there's like there's a lot of guys there.
01:26:53.000 We have to have multiple counters, though.
01:26:55.000 One for mixed, one for...
01:26:57.000 Full.
01:26:58.000 Mixed, gay, Asian, Gaysian, Mays, black, blake.
01:27:13.000 I haven't fucked an Asian in 36 minutes.
01:27:18.000 This is before we started the show.
01:27:19.000 15 years?
01:27:24.000 20 seconds to calls.
01:27:25.000 Make that 10.
01:27:27.000 Punching in calls.
01:27:28.000 Are you supposed to have a CBS here?
01:27:30.000 Yep, and we got a Joshua.
01:27:31.000 Well, yeah, yes.
01:27:32.000 Right after we take the call.
01:27:35.000 Alright.
01:27:36.000 What's up, Jay?
01:27:37.000 Uh, Josh, sorry.
01:27:42.000 Josh is an abbreviation of Joshua.
01:27:43.000 It's the first letter.
01:27:44.000 Jay, you on the line, dog.
01:27:49.000 Can you hear a dude or can you not hear a dude?
01:27:52.000 Hello, Josh.
01:27:54.000 Wait, let me make sure this is on my end here.
01:27:57.000 Check.
01:27:58.000 Check one, two.
01:28:00.000 Hello?
01:28:01.000 Hey, how you doing?
01:28:02.000 Hey.
01:28:04.000 Oh, sorry.
01:28:06.000 In high school, right?
01:28:07.000 I was a senior and I was getting a 15-year-old-ish.
01:28:13.000 Her parents read her diary, and they tried taking me to court for it, or tried to put me in jail for it.
01:28:22.000 Wow.
01:28:24.000 I guess it was technically illegal, right?
01:28:29.000 They ended up dropping it essentially because they knew we were dating for the full year.
01:28:35.000 And I don't know.
01:28:37.000 It was very weird.
01:28:39.000 But it just reminded me so much of that.
01:28:41.000 What state are you in?
01:28:44.000 Massachusetts.
01:28:45.000 Because obviously there's tons of laws for this.
01:28:48.000 So it says like San Francisco's insane.
01:28:53.000 California is like, if they're 10 years apart, you're good.
01:28:56.000 So a 24-year-old can fuck a 14-year-old.
01:28:59.000 But I think in Massachusetts, yeah, if she's under 16, you're dead.
01:29:07.000 Yeah, I guess that was my white privilege got away with it.
01:29:11.000 How much did your parents spend on your lawyer's fees?
01:29:20.000 I think they paid someone really cheap, and they kind of backed me.
01:29:25.000 They knew a guy from Darts, actually.
01:29:28.000 They knew a guy from what?
01:29:30.000 Playing Darts.
01:29:33.000 Why did you come into this discussion, gung-ho, ready to rock, and now you're petering out like a half-deflated balloon going...
01:29:40.000 Oh, no, no.
01:29:42.000 Okay, so I know.
01:29:45.000 That's it.
01:29:46.000 All right, goodbye.
01:29:49.000 No, no, no, no, no, wait, wait.
01:29:51.000 I know that was it.
01:29:53.000 It sounds like that could have been a lie.
01:29:57.000 He was so uninterrupted.
01:29:58.000 Maybe because he said, I know what happened.
01:30:00.000 He said Massachusetts and like his girlfriend went, gonna get fired.
01:30:04.000 Right, right.
01:30:05.000 Because now all they have to do is narrow it down to everyone in Massachusetts, which is probably only like five, ten million people.
01:30:13.000 Oh, we said your name and you sound like that.
01:30:15.000 Oh my God, you just got all, now they're going to fire your uncle's friend.
01:30:19.000 Yep.
01:30:21.000 Get fired, get in trouble, be brave, and never stop fighting.
01:30:24.000 And by never stop fighting, I mean when you call in, you can mention your state.
01:30:29.000 Okay, is this it?
01:30:30.000 Snow.
01:30:31.000 We got snow on the line.
01:30:32.000 Wait, wait, hold on.
01:30:32.000 What's this?
01:30:35.000 Is this a commercial?
01:30:35.000 This is the show.
01:30:36.000 This is the show.
01:30:37.000 You sure?
01:30:38.000 Yeah, it looks like a bit.
01:30:39.000 A segment.
01:30:40.000 A bit.
01:30:41.000 It's a bit.
01:30:42.000 It's a joke.
01:30:44.000 It's a fucking joke.
01:30:45.000 Yeah, this looks like a Latino spotlight.
01:30:49.000 Okay, go ahead.
01:30:50.000 All right.
01:30:51.000 Snow is on the line.
01:30:53.000 Hey, Snow, I heard you were going to lick my boom boom down.
01:30:56.000 Is that true?
01:30:58.000 Yeah.
01:30:59.000 I'm not an informer.
01:31:03.000 You're pretty tipsy tonight, eh, lad?
01:31:06.000 Is it that evident?
01:31:08.000 Yeah, you're pretty pink tonight.
01:31:12.000 Pretty what?
01:31:13.000 Pink.
01:31:13.000 Colorist.
01:31:14.000 Pink.
01:31:15.000 But I think I've been handling the show pretty well.
01:31:18.000 Yeah, you are.
01:31:19.000 It's pretty fun, actually.
01:31:20.000 But have you thought about being a snowbird?
01:31:23.000 You're talking about the big move.
01:31:24.000 Have you ever thought about being a snowbird because you hate heat?
01:31:28.000 Yeah, that's a good point.
01:31:30.000 I just, I got to think about my kids.
01:31:33.000 And a snowbird is an adult.
01:31:35.000 It's a very adult post-kid thing to do, to be ripping your kids out of a place for the entire summer.
01:31:43.000 Like, they make friends and shit, and then they don't see those friends anymore.
01:31:48.000 It's a thing rich people do.
01:31:50.000 Rich people take their fucking kids to France every year.
01:31:54.000 And I just think that's so weird.
01:31:58.000 Anyway, thanks for calling.
01:32:01.000 I have a good idea for the line.
01:32:03.000 Next call.
01:32:05.000 I got to be pretty cruel with the calls when we delay it this much.
01:32:08.000 Sergio.
01:32:09.000 Hello?
01:32:10.000 Oh, a girl.
01:32:12.000 Hello.
01:32:13.000 Hi, hot chip.
01:32:14.000 Hi, hot stuff.
01:32:16.000 What's up, baby?
01:32:17.000 Listen to this, man.
01:32:20.000 I got the solution to Proud Boys.
01:32:22.000 I know everyone does, but I have it.
01:32:25.000 All right, what do you got?
01:32:26.000 It's terrible.
01:32:29.000 I've alerted Ryan about this.
01:32:31.000 We make Ryan, the new chairman of the Proud Boys.
01:32:38.000 Terrible idea.
01:32:39.000 I kind of like it.
01:32:40.000 No, God, please.
01:32:42.000 I like it because he's on like USA Today or CNN, and they go, so do you think the storming of the Capitol was insurrection because it was in the day and that could be domestic terrorism?
01:32:53.000 And he's like, I, sheesh.
01:32:58.000 Wow, that sounds hard.
01:33:00.000 This is what I'm saying.
01:33:03.000 If Ryan's the chairman and then they go dig through his past and they just see shitty impressions and shit.
01:33:10.000 How dare you?
01:33:11.000 They're not shitty.
01:33:12.000 They're good.
01:33:12.000 But they see impressions and then he goes on CNN and he just does impressions while he's being held responsible for the group.
01:33:24.000 Yeah, because if you said to someone, be really funny and just make fun of this whole thing and take the piss, they would fuck it up.
01:33:33.000 But Ryan can't fuck up taking the piss because he is the piss.
01:33:38.000 I'm going to buy that.
01:33:40.000 Like even if you held a gun to his head and said, be intelligent, he'd be like, okay, let me play a guitar solo.
01:33:45.000 Yeah, well, no, I'd play like a verse.
01:33:48.000 And if Ryan doesn't want to do anything for the club, like organize and shit, that would be great too, because then it would just be led up to the presidents of these chapters, and then they just handle it,
01:34:03.000 and Ryan sits back.
01:34:04.000 The club kind of stops doing the rally things and becomes more retarded.
01:34:10.000 And then Ryan, if you wanted to do something, he could do like these retarded rituals and then make the group retarded, you know?
01:34:18.000 Yeah, like state autonomy, the chapter autonomy would thrive because there'd be no leadership.
01:34:25.000 So he'd say like, we're meeting in Las Vegas in, I don't know, October.
01:34:30.000 And people would go, what?
01:34:31.000 And then they would just set up their own times to meet.
01:34:34.000 And he'd be alone October.
01:34:35.000 He'd probably be late, too.
01:34:36.000 It'd be a fallman.
01:34:37.000 He'd be there like October 37th.
01:34:40.000 And they'd be like, sorry, that's not on the calendar.
01:34:42.000 Never late for WestFest.
01:34:44.000 I do a lot of dumb things.
01:34:45.000 I will not miss that.
01:34:47.000 All right, thanks for the tip, and thank you for calling.
01:34:49.000 Next call.
01:34:51.000 It's been a long fucking segment without commercials, hasn't it?
01:34:54.000 It's been a long fucking segment without commercials, hasn't it?
01:34:59.000 Power Hour on the line.
01:35:03.000 Hello?
01:35:04.000 Hey.
01:35:06.000 Hey, this is Drew.
01:35:08.000 This is a germ.
01:35:09.000 Are you Darby Crash?
01:35:12.000 No, no, no.
01:35:13.000 Sorry.
01:35:14.000 First time call.
01:35:15.000 I just wanted to say first time carer.
01:35:18.000 Yeah, I know.
01:35:19.000 I was going to say that, actually.
01:35:21.000 Oh, okay.
01:35:21.000 I just wanted to say it resonated with that, you know, the power.
01:35:25.000 You know, when you're with a girl, like, you can, you know, there's something better than essentially if you're at a party and this girl goes to your bed and then you essentially.
01:35:39.000 What happened to you, sir?
01:35:40.000 We lost you, sir.
01:35:41.000 By the way, for the record, and thanks for calling.
01:35:44.000 You're done, your call.
01:35:46.000 I bet women are the same, too.
01:35:48.000 Women will go home with a guy that really wants them.
01:35:51.000 They'll be kind of drunk and they'll just want...
01:35:54.000 She's not interested in him.
01:35:55.000 It's not her type.
01:35:56.000 He looks like me and she wants like a handsome dude.
01:36:00.000 But she knows that I'm super into her.
01:36:03.000 Actually, I know a girl like this.
01:36:04.000 I would make out with her and fireworks would go off.
01:36:08.000 It was fucking, and I wasn't that into her personality or anything, but god damn it.
01:36:13.000 Every kiss was like a blowjob.
01:36:15.000 And I'm not exaggerating.
01:36:17.000 I haven't experienced it since.
01:36:19.000 No offense, my wife.
01:36:22.000 And I don't think she liked me, but she would see myself having a heart attack every time we kissed.
01:36:29.000 And I think she enjoyed the power trip.
01:36:33.000 Dude, you want to know something crazy?
01:36:35.000 That's the same chick who said, Gavin, when you leave, don't tell anyone.
01:36:41.000 Oh, wow.
01:36:42.000 Yeah.
01:36:43.000 Wait, what?
01:36:44.000 Yep.
01:36:45.000 So even come up twice.
01:36:46.000 It doesn't make sense.
01:36:47.000 And I've never thought of her since Montreal days in the early 90s.
01:36:52.000 And she's come up twice this episode.
01:36:54.000 Total coincidence.
01:36:55.000 You were her guilty pleasure.
01:36:59.000 Blake is on the line.
01:37:00.000 Does CBS not run commercials?
01:37:03.000 I got a long-ass segment here with a little Star Wars man.
01:37:07.000 Wait a minute.
01:37:08.000 Maybe you're watching it through the internet, so it's like internet streaming.
01:37:12.000 What other people are seeing?
01:37:15.000 I look so gorgeous since my hair cut there.
01:37:18.000 It's breathtaking.
01:37:21.000 Hey, fuck.
01:37:21.000 How are we doing?
01:37:22.000 What's going on, fuck?
01:37:25.000 Dude, so I was born in 1995.
01:37:29.000 I was born in Carrie, Careti, care.
01:37:35.000 So I just mentioned 1995 because that's technically, you know, like millennial generation.
01:37:41.000 I think that my generation is the shittiest to ever be fucking born, dude.
01:37:46.000 I mean, I see on Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, all these motherfuckers talking about, oh, 2020 was the worst fucking time to be alive.
01:37:55.000 It was COVID fucking bullshit.
01:37:57.000 It's like, no, bitch, if you think about it, back in, you know, the 1800s, you didn't have to fucking say, okay, goodbye, kids.
01:38:04.000 I'm going, you know, 700 fucking thousand miles away to get a cup of fucking sugar.
01:38:09.000 You know what I mean?
01:38:10.000 Like, dude, we're.
01:38:12.000 Dude, like 1930.
01:38:15.000 If you're 12 years old in Sicily in 1930, people go, what are you doing, dude?
01:38:21.000 Why are you still around?
01:38:22.000 Fucking go get a job.
01:38:24.000 Go get a life.
01:38:26.000 And so they would like get on a boat and go to New York City.
01:38:30.000 They'd work on the boat and then cut haircuts in the streets on the Bowery at the age of 13 after traveling for a year to get from Italy.
01:38:40.000 And now we're like, I can't have screen time.
01:38:43.000 Yeah, I think you're right.
01:38:44.000 But I will say about millennials and especially Zoomers, they seem to be getting pretty woke, especially about education and stuff and realizing that they're being lied to.
01:38:55.000 Sometimes the complaints will be false.
01:38:58.000 They seem more skeptical than us.
01:39:02.000 Yeah, exactly.
01:39:04.000 I'm just, I'm tired of my generation complaining when all they've fucking got to do this past entire fucking year in 2020 is sit around and play fucking video games inside and they talk about, oh, social distancing, I have to be inside.
01:39:18.000 Yeah, well, guess what?
01:39:19.000 You still had power.
01:39:20.000 You still had fucking food.
01:39:21.000 You still had water because guess what?
01:39:22.000 We live in the best motherfucking time in history of all humanity.
01:39:27.000 So suck it the fuck up.
01:39:28.000 Nobody fucking cares.
01:39:30.000 I'm over it.
01:39:31.000 Yes, thank you for calling.
01:39:33.000 It reminds me of Tucker talking about that chick, Taylor Lorenz, the New York Times journalist.
01:39:40.000 And she goes, getting doxxed and being attacked ruined my life.
01:39:45.000 And he goes, she clearly has one of the best lives in the world.
01:39:50.000 Taylor Lorenz is a tech, whatever, pop culture reporter for the New York Times.
01:39:56.000 She looks like she's like 27.
01:40:00.000 She has no experience.
01:40:03.000 Her experience does not constitute a New York Times position the way it would in the 60s and 70s.
01:40:11.000 She's a five that you fucked and stopped calling back.
01:40:14.000 When you have a spare and a pair, she's the spare.
01:40:17.000 And she's had the worst.
01:40:20.000 Her life has been ruined by people like me making fun of her.
01:40:25.000 Dude, your life has been ruined by your dentist's lack of ambition.
01:40:32.000 Although I will say, when you look back on the chicks you used to fuck, you don't remember the eights.
01:40:39.000 You remember the Taylors.
01:40:42.000 Those are the ones that you remember.
01:40:45.000 Boy, she's not shy about those gums.
01:40:47.000 Taylor Lorenz, most likely to get fucked, discarded, and remembered.
01:40:54.000 Solid.
01:40:54.000 So, yeah, like Taylor's, Tucker's in big shit.
01:40:57.000 We'll talk about this tomorrow.
01:40:58.000 Tucker's in big shit for showing her face, even though it's all over the internet.
01:41:04.000 And she clearly has no right to complain.
01:41:07.000 She has a wonderful life.
01:41:08.000 Megan Markle, believe it or not, has a wonderful life.
01:41:13.000 Oh, she doesn't smile like that anymore.
01:41:16.000 Like I've seen Google.
01:41:18.000 Charlie Kirk is like that too.
01:41:19.000 You know, it's Charlie Kirk after everyone made fun of his weird little face with his funny teeth.
01:41:24.000 And I love Charlie Kirk.
01:41:26.000 But he's not very sexy to look at.
01:41:28.000 And now in photos where he's smiling, he's like, I think I did notice that.
01:41:41.000 Are there no commercials on CBS?
01:41:43.000 When I watch TV, I fucking, there we go.
01:41:47.000 Those are the old days.
01:41:48.000 He doesn't do that anymore.
01:41:54.000 Some people think that when he was the Predator, that that made his career.
01:41:59.000 And the turning point shit doesn't mean anything.
01:42:02.000 Predator was one movie.
01:42:05.000 Okay?
01:42:05.000 And those weren't even his dreads.
01:42:13.000 What little sound do they make?
01:42:14.000 Crack!
01:42:15.000 Something like that, yeah.
01:42:16.000 Ask him.
01:42:20.000 I've got my chart here.
01:42:20.000 I'm all ready to go, CBS.
01:42:23.000 True.
01:42:24.000 Yeah, it's been a while since a commercial.
01:42:25.000 I know it's been crazy.
01:42:27.000 We have a 909 number on it.
01:42:28.000 Something right.
01:42:30.000 909 round.
01:42:32.000 Gucci gang.
01:42:34.000 Gucci gang, Gucci gang, Gucci gang, Gucci gang, Gucci gang, Gucci gang.
01:42:37.000 Gucci gang.
01:42:37.000 Gucci gang, Gucci gang, Gucci gang, Gucci gang, Gucci gang.
01:42:39.000 I'm back, dude.
01:42:40.000 I'm back.
01:42:41.000 But this is the first time I'm calling in sober, so I don't know if the words are going to come out good.
01:42:47.000 You're back.
01:42:49.000 Do it, bro.
01:42:51.000 Hey, Gav.
01:42:53.000 Following up on your advice you gave me, I guess, a month ago, about keeping it mellow when it comes to the art world stuff, you know, trying to get a business rather.
01:43:08.000 So update, quick update.
01:43:10.000 So I didn't just say keep it mellow.
01:43:12.000 I said keep it weird.
01:43:13.000 Like, don't let anyone know if you're right or left.
01:43:17.000 Right, right.
01:43:17.000 Well, here's the thing.
01:43:19.000 And I want to kind of just quick update.
01:43:22.000 You know, there's that new Clubhouse app, and I went in there to kind of test the waters to see how far I could start pushing it.
01:43:30.000 And like, if I had to be vocal at all.
01:43:33.000 And, you know, these people don't play ball whatsoever.
01:43:36.000 It's crazy.
01:43:37.000 They say they admire outsiders.
01:43:38.000 They say they admire the underdogs.
01:43:41.000 But as soon as you throw any wrench into their quote-unquote status quo, whatever that is, they fucking, they're wet robots, man.
01:43:51.000 They can't handle shit.
01:43:54.000 So it's like, it's like a strange thing.
01:43:57.000 I don't know.
01:43:58.000 I guess, what are your thoughts?
01:44:00.000 Like, I mean, if you want to make any good work, it's going to be controversial.
01:44:05.000 And I hope, I don't know, I get a chance at it.
01:44:09.000 Yeah, well, thanks for calling.
01:44:10.000 We already talked to you, and you know, just keep it weird.
01:44:14.000 But I have noticed when I check, you be mom, Y-O-U-B-E-M-O-M.
01:44:20.000 And you look at, Reddit is also guilty of this, but you look at someone who's like, hi, I'm married a guy.
01:44:26.000 We love each other.
01:44:27.000 Everything is fucking awesome.
01:44:29.000 He's a great dad, but he likes Trump.
01:44:32.000 And then all the comments are like, divorce him now, fucking stab him, kill his mother, burn his parents alive in a deep fryer.
01:44:39.000 Like, just no, no, I can never remember this phrase.
01:44:44.000 Not cutting him any slack, no discourse, no quarter.
01:44:48.000 Yeah, I think that's the term, no quarter.
01:44:53.000 But look, if you put in Trump into Ubi Mom, is there a search thing?
01:44:59.000 Just put in Trump, and you'll see like the most vitriol.
01:45:05.000 What does it say?
01:45:06.000 DeSantis just implemented a major...
01:45:08.000 I can't read it, Ryan.
01:45:09.000 You're too zoomed in.
01:45:10.000 DeSantis just implemented a major civil rights measure, folks.
01:45:13.000 Democrats who think he can't win in 2024 are seriously underestimating him.
01:45:18.000 The civil rights policy, click more.
01:45:21.000 Civil rights policy.
01:45:22.000 Click more.
01:45:23.000 It's at the top.
01:45:26.000 He's also supporting medical marijuana, blah, blah, blah.
01:45:30.000 So it's possible this is a pro-Trump person on Ubi Mom, which doesn't help my argument.
01:45:37.000 Okay.
01:45:38.000 The next Trump won't be a complete idiot and will win.
01:45:41.000 I totally agree with this.
01:45:42.000 I totally disagree.
01:45:43.000 I do not disagree.
01:45:44.000 That's DeSantis.
01:45:45.000 He's popular with the base while passing surprisingly moderate and patrols should find a way to dismiss this.
01:45:50.000 The policy overturn was a rickshaw.
01:45:53.000 Thanks.
01:45:54.000 His COVID vaccine scandal isn't going well.
01:45:56.000 And they just canceled a bunch of clinics in one city.
01:45:59.000 Wait, Ron DeSantis has a COVID vaccine scandal?
01:46:03.000 Or maybe they're talking about Trump.
01:46:05.000 Where it was given to rich white donors.
01:46:09.000 I think this post, it's hard to speak.
01:46:11.000 I don't truly speak housewife, but I think they might be saying, yes, it is possible these fuckers will win.
01:46:20.000 And that's horrible.
01:46:21.000 Why don't you just go Trump supporter?
01:46:25.000 Or husband Trump supporter?
01:46:27.000 I was going to put in divorce and see how many people were like, no, divorce that motherfucker.
01:46:33.000 Trump supporter, Ryan.
01:46:35.000 Supporter.
01:46:40.000 Single supporter.
01:46:42.000 Biden visited Trump.
01:46:42.000 Supporter Bob Dole.
01:46:44.000 DF's ML just died in Texas.
01:46:46.000 Wait, go back.
01:46:47.000 That's a good one.
01:46:48.000 So DF, I think that's dear friend.
01:46:52.000 Dear friend's mother-in-law just died in Texas.
01:46:54.000 No power and quite sick to begin with.
01:46:56.000 True Trump supporter blame Dem.
01:47:00.000 AOC's fault, I bet.
01:47:01.000 What the what?
01:47:02.000 Why are the Democrats responsible?
01:47:03.000 Didn't you hear it?
01:47:04.000 Blah, blah, blah.
01:47:05.000 Wait, she hates the government.
01:47:06.000 What was her reasoning?
01:47:07.000 Blaming wine turbines.
01:47:08.000 Yeah, I mean, these fucking women are a nightmare.
01:47:11.000 But they'll just basically tell you, like, just divorce your husband because he's a Trump supporter or whatever.
01:47:16.000 Yeah, it's hard to find evidence of that allegation totally off the dome, but I promise you it's there.
01:47:24.000 Wait, is this commercials?
01:47:27.000 These are the things that are.
01:47:28.000 This looks like a segment.
01:47:30.000 Why is it the one day I say I want to analyze mainstream commercials, CBS decides to stop airing commercials?
01:47:40.000 Yes.
01:47:41.000 Excellent.
01:47:42.000 That's the worst beard ever.
01:47:56.000 Hi, this is Congresswoman Katie Porter.
01:47:58.000 Hi, this is Adam Yamaguchi with CBS.
01:48:02.000 Okay, you should have my channel.
01:48:03.000 Nothing wrong with that.
01:48:05.000 And do you see me now?
01:48:07.000 I do.
01:48:08.000 I'm disappointed.
01:48:09.000 Well, thank you so much for taking the time.
01:48:10.000 I was hoping you'd be black.
01:48:12.000 This is sort of actually the opposite.
01:48:14.000 I'm actually in a park right now.
01:48:16.000 Your cheeks are very intense.
01:48:18.000 Your cheekbones are alarming.
01:48:21.000 You look like someone that's trying to draw a Japanese person who can't draw very well.
01:48:24.000 People who work in jobs that have in recent years.
01:48:28.000 Boring.
01:48:29.000 All right, next guy.
01:48:29.000 You dress like you're in a Netflix action movie.
01:48:34.000 We have who on the line?
01:48:36.000 Steve.
01:48:36.000 Steve.
01:48:38.000 Talking about Brooks.
01:48:40.000 Smash the subscribe.
01:48:41.000 Hello?
01:48:42.000 Hello?
01:48:43.000 Hello?
01:48:44.000 Hello?
01:48:46.000 Hello?
01:48:47.000 Hello.
01:48:50.000 Hey, Gav.
01:48:51.000 Yeah.
01:48:55.000 I'm well aware of your trope that fiction is for fags.
01:49:00.000 And I'm in total agreement with you.
01:49:02.000 Most fiction is for fags.
01:49:04.000 But what do you think about the classics like Mark Twain, Dostoevsky, Tolstoy?
01:49:10.000 All those are, I don't know how to explain it, but those have a lot of knowledge in it that isn't just, you know, from someone's mind.
01:49:19.000 They're pretty deep works of fiction, you know?
01:49:22.000 Yeah, they're based on reality.
01:49:26.000 I mean, yeah, it's good to get the classics under your belt, especially as a young man.
01:49:30.000 And I read the brothers Karamatsov for so long that it started to turn into...
01:49:36.000 It started to turn into a sphere.
01:49:38.000 Like, it was bending, and I had trouble with all those fucking names.
01:49:42.000 Ratsimalazov.
01:49:44.000 Exactly.
01:49:45.000 Dimitri Kamarazov.
01:49:46.000 I wish they had like a table at the back where they had like, Doratsi Matsaralazov.
01:49:52.000 He's the long bearded guy who ate his dad.
01:49:56.000 And you'd be like, oh yeah, I get it.
01:49:57.000 We haven't seen him for a while.
01:49:58.000 Spoiler alert.
01:49:59.000 Like with little pictures and stuff.
01:50:02.000 Oh, sorry.
01:50:03.000 I have a good way to approach that is if you read the book with the audiobook, it makes it a little bit easier to follow along.
01:50:12.000 That sounds kind of Helen Keller retarded.
01:50:17.000 I couldn't hear you.
01:50:18.000 What's up?
01:50:18.000 That sounds like Helen Keller retard shit.
01:50:23.000 But yeah, but enough to get you on the right track, and then you can get away from the audiobook and then start reading it.
01:50:31.000 I said that to my dad once, and he goes, What you're doing is you're trying to read the words.
01:50:38.000 You need to look at these names as shapes and not try to pronounce them.
01:50:43.000 Just see them as shapes.
01:50:45.000 What the fuck are you talking about?
01:50:48.000 No, I'm not going to see a word as a shape, you weirdo.
01:50:52.000 But yeah, I think you should get the classics under your belt.
01:50:54.000 Oh, sorry.
01:50:55.000 But then, you know, you get to be like 35, 30 even, and your time is valuable.
01:51:03.000 Time.
01:51:04.000 So you need to get information.
01:51:06.000 Like, look at these books here.
01:51:08.000 Michelle Malkin, who built that?
01:51:10.000 Answer me, all four issues, how the Scots Invented the Modern World.
01:51:14.000 Chuck Cito, Street Justice.
01:51:16.000 Like, you read Breakthrough by James O'Keefe, and you're like two years smarter than you were when you started.
01:51:23.000 There's just too much information in fiction.
01:51:25.000 And the beauty of Breakthrough by James O'Keefe is it reads like fiction.
01:51:30.000 Like he starts out, he's in prison, and I'm wearing the orange overalls, and I'm fucking trying to eat a cheese sandwich.
01:51:39.000 Any Thomas Sowell or Charles Murray, too?
01:51:41.000 Like, that should just be start with the Curmudgeon's Guide to Getting Ahead, and then go to Coming Apart, whatever it's called, the Falling Apart white book.
01:51:51.000 And Jesus, you'll be fucking smart.
01:51:54.000 That's why I like hanging out with ex-cons because they've read way more than anyone else in the bar.
01:52:00.000 Thanks for calling.
01:52:02.000 Also, Southerners.
01:52:04.000 Southerners are so stupid.
01:52:06.000 Every time I meet a Southerner, he spent the summer reading because it's so fucking hot.
01:52:12.000 Wait, commercials?
01:52:13.000 No, is this another show?
01:52:14.000 This is the show.
01:52:14.000 This is on NBC now.
01:52:17.000 They're going to have lots of commercials for this shit.
01:52:21.000 Dude, we're done the show in five minutes, and we've had one, two, three, four, five, six commercials.
01:52:26.000 And when I watch TV at home and I haven't DVR'd it, I'm drowning in commercials.
01:52:32.000 Okay.
01:52:34.000 Brett.
01:52:34.000 Yo, Roy, Dave, what you throwing?
01:52:35.000 Tomakabel.
01:52:38.000 Who's got a bag?
01:52:40.000 I wanted to show you this cat from my hometown.
01:52:43.000 I sent Ryan an email.
01:52:47.000 It's titled Call In.
01:52:50.000 All right.
01:52:51.000 Thanks for calling.
01:52:51.000 We'll check it out.
01:52:52.000 I'm guessing the odds of this sucking are one in two.
01:52:58.000 Brett, right?
01:53:02.000 It'll be a brand new email from you.
01:53:05.000 I got a couple that say call in.
01:53:07.000 Do you have more than one email that says call in?
01:53:10.000 Yeah, but this is the only one in the video.
01:53:12.000 Wait, this isn't.
01:53:17.000 Game boring.
01:53:18.000 Thanks for wasting our time.
01:53:19.000 Next call.
01:53:22.000 God.
01:53:22.000 This is like the guy in that sports show goes, I would be remiss if I didn't wish my best friend a happy birthday.
01:53:29.000 I mean, sorry.
01:53:30.000 Congratulations for getting married.
01:53:34.000 We've got, what's his name?
01:53:38.000 Eddie.
01:53:39.000 Eddie.
01:53:40.000 Hello, buddy.
01:53:41.000 You're right, Eddie.
01:53:44.000 How's it going, fags?
01:53:46.000 Good, weird accent guy.
01:53:50.000 Well, no, I was just calling to say, did you guys know that if you say the F word on parlor, now you get a community guidelines violation?
01:54:00.000 No, I called Milo a faggot on parlor tonight.
01:54:02.000 I noticed that as I clicked submit, the word sensitive appeared.
01:54:09.000 Well, I called you a fag for being late for the fucking show.
01:54:13.000 Dude, I think I started the show at 9.01.
01:54:19.000 Did I not start the show at 9.01?
01:54:21.000 It was 9.01, yeah.
01:54:23.000 Somewhere in there.
01:54:24.000 No, like me, me and a few other people on Parlor, me and a few other people on Parlo, as soon as I clicked on the app, as soon as I clicked on live show, at 8 o'clock my time.
01:54:32.000 It dropped out, right?
01:54:33.000 It did not.
01:54:36.000 Okay, so at 8.01 your time, we were live and functioning.
01:54:42.000 At 8.20 my time, you were not live, and it kept saying, we're not live right now.
01:54:48.000 Milo and I, check out Milo and I, check out the schedule, blah, blah, blah.
01:54:52.000 You know, I was like, fuck.
01:54:54.000 For a few minutes.
01:54:56.000 Ryan, that's fucked up.
01:54:57.000 If people were...
01:54:58.000 I was one minute late.
01:55:00.000 You said you buffered it by putting something up live, and now people are not seeing shit for 20 minutes?
01:55:06.000 The buffering thing had nothing to do with it.
01:55:08.000 Okay.
01:55:09.000 But yeah, yeah, it dropped out somewhere, and Tony let me know.
01:55:12.000 He said, hey, the stream's not up right now.
01:55:14.000 So then I just.
01:55:15.000 Oh, okay.
01:55:15.000 So it's nothing to do with me being late.
01:55:17.000 No, no, you were not.
01:55:18.000 No, the stream failed, sir.
01:55:20.000 Anyway, sorry about that.
01:55:21.000 Thank you for calling.
01:55:22.000 The replay will be perfect.
01:55:23.000 That's fucked up, though, that you can't say fuck on Parlor.
01:55:25.000 Or fag.
01:55:26.000 You can say fuck, but not fag.
01:55:27.000 Who's got the bag?
01:55:29.000 The cule.
01:55:32.000 Next.
01:55:33.000 You're on the line talking about the...
01:55:35.000 Don't know commercials.
01:55:41.000 You sound like you're being murdered inside an orange, inside a plastic bag, in a sewer.
01:55:47.000 In a bag.
01:55:50.000 So who's got the bag?
01:55:51.000 The person murdering you.
01:55:57.000 He said fuck, by the way, not fag.
01:56:00.000 I don't know if you have ear holes on the sides of your head.
01:56:03.000 I'm 100% to 20% sure he said fag.
01:56:08.000 That's a lot of percent.
01:56:10.000 Pretty sure he said fucking.
01:56:13.000 The cure, dude.
01:56:13.000 You're online.
01:56:14.000 530?
01:56:16.000 Hey.
01:56:16.000 Hello.
01:56:16.000 Chillo.
01:56:17.000 Hello, chillo.
01:56:18.000 You've got a bass.
01:56:19.000 Hi.
01:56:20.000 Yes.
01:56:21.000 Hi.
01:56:22.000 So I think, Gavin, I think you're the king of hot takes.
01:56:26.000 But yesterday you said something interesting.
01:56:28.000 You said something about people making pop songs as a joke about the cure.
01:56:35.000 Can you elaborate on that?
01:56:38.000 Okay, I heard it in a cure interview with Robert Smith about 20 years ago.
01:56:45.000 And he said, yeah, we were experimenting and we were playing with music.
01:56:48.000 And I started making songs that was sort of making fun of pop music.
01:56:53.000 I don't know, just sort of immersing myself in the parody of it all.
01:56:57.000 And those songs seemed to do really well.
01:57:00.000 And then I thought, I thought, why not pursue this then?
01:57:05.000 And it just, it took off.
01:57:07.000 So it was sort of a mockery of what was pop music at the time.
01:57:13.000 And it became who we are.
01:57:16.000 So it's not my take, it's Robert Smith's take.
01:57:18.000 Are you someone half my age telling me I'm dumb?
01:57:21.000 No, no, no.
01:57:22.000 That's interesting.
01:57:23.000 I didn't realize that.
01:57:25.000 Well, yeah, when I have hot takes, dude, I don't just pull them out of my ass.
01:57:30.000 I understand that.
01:57:32.000 I'm a huge fan.
01:57:33.000 I just thought that that sounded a little weird considering their entire career was like a pop career.
01:57:39.000 Right.
01:57:39.000 It's not weird Al Gankovic levels, but it is tongue-in-cheek in a sense.
01:57:45.000 I mean, it's pretty, it's, I mean, it's pretty straightforward.
01:57:48.000 Pop music.
01:57:49.000 I mean.
01:57:50.000 Yeah, it is.
01:57:51.000 Okay, thanks for calling.
01:57:53.000 All right, so that's vegan, and it's a white female cover girl.
01:57:58.000 Now it's got a house of a bunch of shit.
01:58:00.000 Okay, so what's this?
01:58:01.000 Indian dad?
01:58:02.000 This is an Indian dad.
01:58:04.000 Okay, this is hard.
01:58:05.000 These ones are big Asian, big, strong man, little woman.
01:58:09.000 Yeah, this is interracial.
01:58:11.000 This is all blacks.
01:58:12.000 Like, whites are definitely a minority here, but I need a pause button to make this work.
01:58:16.000 Look, interracial couple.
01:58:18.000 Yes.
01:58:19.000 White female, black male.
01:58:22.000 And what was that?
01:58:23.000 Screwdriver.
01:58:23.000 That was Lowe's.
01:58:25.000 Or Drill.
01:58:25.000 Oh, it was an ad for the Nazi band Screwdriver?
01:58:28.000 Yes.
01:58:29.000 Okay.
01:58:31.000 It's an ad for a show.
01:58:32.000 I don't know if we should count that.
01:58:35.000 It's very black, though.
01:58:39.000 I won't count ads for shows.
01:58:40.000 Chicago PD.
01:58:42.000 Chicago Paja.
01:58:43.000 Chicago Pati PD North Chicago PD.
01:58:52.000 Oh, that guy's so annoying, isn't he?
01:58:53.000 James Spader, yeah.
01:58:54.000 James Spader.
01:58:55.000 Wow.
01:58:56.000 Imagine James Spader was your brother.
01:58:59.000 He's not like that, you guys.
01:59:01.000 Then we'd have to be like Ed Spader.
01:59:02.000 Okay, the next one.
01:59:04.000 Please be a normal commercial.
01:59:06.000 Ah, fuck.
01:59:07.000 For New York or some shit.
01:59:10.000 Four skinned New York, more like.
01:59:11.000 All right, last call.
01:59:13.000 Joe.
01:59:14.000 What's up, Joel?
01:59:16.000 Hey, guys.
01:59:17.000 Hey, man.
01:59:20.000 Hey, so a few episodes ago, you mentioned people hiding behind cars, right?
01:59:27.000 Yeah.
01:59:29.000 Yeah, well, you said that a car can't go through two car doors.
01:59:34.000 That's technically not true.
01:59:37.000 So.
01:59:39.000 Please fuck up.
01:59:40.000 Okay, I don't know where you're getting this from, but I've been talking to people in law enforcement and criminals.
01:59:46.000 And their contention is hiding behind a car is nothing.
01:59:50.000 You're going to get shot.
01:59:53.000 Your only hope is the wheel will.
01:59:55.000 Again, I didn't pull that out of my ass.
01:59:57.000 You said a car will go through two car doors.
02:00:00.000 Yeah.
02:00:00.000 Doesn't seem possible.
02:00:01.000 You did say that.
02:00:02.000 I was in the most bullish.
02:00:06.000 What a hot take of yours.
02:00:09.000 Touche.
02:00:10.000 Jeesh.
02:00:10.000 You got me, sir.
02:00:12.000 A car cannot go through car doors.
02:00:14.000 That's correct.
02:00:15.000 If I had any brains, I would have said a bullet.
02:00:18.000 But I'm dumb.
02:00:19.000 Thank you for calling.
02:00:20.000 And thank you for getting fired, getting in trouble, being brave, and never stopping fighting.
02:00:28.000 Good God, who's got the bag?
02:00:30.000 The herds of the goons.
02:00:33.000 The blur of perfume.
02:00:34.000 Reverse off the tune.
02:00:37.000 Birding off too tune.
02:00:39.000 Smurder is loose.
02:00:41.000 Hurts for the views.
02:00:43.000 Chirping and crooning now.
02:00:45.000 The burden and perfume.