S02E10 - FINALLY, NICK
Episode Stats
Words per Minute
174.70175
Summary
Kevin and Yusong talk about Tommy Robinson's failed attempt to become a British MP, AOC's new tweet about Trump, and the return of the Beano character from the 80s, Dennis the Menace. Plus, a look at what it's like to grow up in the late 80s and early 90s.
Transcript
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Live from New York, it's Get Off My Lawn with Kevin McGuinness.
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All the stories you were told of the kings and days of old, but there's no England now.
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There will be no England if Tommy Robinson is not elected to Parliament, which by the time you see this, will already know.
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He's running for basically the British equivalent of Congress, where he'll be a representative representing Britain in the European Parliament, and it will be done as an F you to the people who refused Brexit.
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I don't think Americans realize how big of a deal the Brexit refusal was.
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It would be like the Mueller report came out and said Trump is innocent, and now he's just right now being prosecuted for collusion with Russia.
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The evidence had British people saying, no, we don't want this.
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And then the British government going, well, you're getting it.
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By the way, I'm wearing my little Beano outfit to commemorate the, what is it, the 50th anniversary of Dennis the Menace?
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You don't have to celebrate 50th anniversaries on the exact day.
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But I grew up with these comics, these British comics.
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My grandfather from Scotland would send them to me in a big tube with like 100 of them every few months.
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And I was from, you know, when I left college till 21 or two, I said, I'm a cartoonist.
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There's no way I could ever have a family being a cartoonist.
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Actually, no, I gave it up after I did it with Vice for a while.
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And then I thought it was more fun to write and do real stuff.
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I want to see if you can call Nick DiPaulo at some point.
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And the thing I love about it is Pete Buddy Gig is, to quote General Akbar, a trap.
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She said, the GOP, they're basically Dwight Schrute.
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I remember one time some artist, like cartoonist Nate Turbo, he said, this is me when Gavin McInnis appears in my feeds.
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And it had John Belushi smashing the guitar, that scene in Animal House, you know, when he's walking down the stairs.
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And I said to Nate, who I used to be kind of okay with, what are you doing?
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I am literally on double secret probation with YouTube right now.
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That's Laura Loomer and Alex Jones and Paul Joseph Watson and Jack Pasovic and Mike Cernovich.
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You, AOC and the DNC, you're the pussies with the guitar.
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And you try to fight us and you try to trick us by throwing a gay in our face and you think we're going to go, we're dwight trute.
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And we're going to talk to Sabo, who did that poster.
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So not only do we not take the bait, but we tricked, and I'll get into that with Sabo about how Pete ended up looking like a buffoon because he's never heard of Alfred E. Newman.
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And if you don't know who he is, you don't have any kids in your life.
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And if you don't have any kids in your life, you're not a good president.
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No one should be president of this country if they're not married with children.
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If you're going to be the president of Pakistan, the prime minister of Pakistan, you should be Muslim.
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In other news, Sarah Silverman showed her tits this weekend.
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Sarah Silverman posted a photo of Naked Breast Instagram to make a critical point.
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You see them in New York, too, going, we want the right to be barechested.
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And it's totally And utterly legal in New York City.
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So I don't know what you're protesting, fat lesbians.
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And here's another thing: men like to see boobies.
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But, and this is something feminists are having a lot of trouble understanding: women are different than men.
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A woman's bum bum looks different than a man's bum bum.
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That's why you don't see women mooning very much.
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When a woman moons, oh, that's what she put up too.
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They are more likely to be sex objects than men.
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Let's go see the picture, though, because I want to talk about tits for a second.
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Now, I know you youngsters don't like anything that's not two basketballs, but you'll mature.
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You'll get to this level of gourmand, where we have a much wider spectrum of boob tastes.
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It doesn't count as nudity because it's a political statement.
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And it brings the question, I think, to most men's mind, why do Jews always have such great tits?
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Hispanic women tend to have big tits, but they're good and bad, and there's often droopers.
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But Jewish women, like Scarlett Johansson, or remember Punky Brewster?
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She was a cute little child actress that grew into a woman with tits bigger than this entire studio.
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Like tits you wouldn't want as a husband or as the owner.
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But find her picture of her with her big boobs.
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But just look up Punky Booster Big Tits, you dumbass.
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See, the problem with those on your wife is people come over for dinner and for a Christmas party or something, and you know all the dads are thinking about you and what you do with those and how lucky you are.
00:09:19.000
And I could criticize you for not going to college, but they don't learn stuff like that in college.
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But Hasid's are a 10, you know, and she's an eight.
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It's not like being trans, or you just go, I'm a woman.
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She's half Jewish by birth, dabbled in Scientology, but now back to Judaism.
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Because a lot of people think that they can be Jewish if their dad's Jewish.
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Like, why would you go to some weird site that could be Daily Stormer to find out a fact?
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Not that my Wikipedia has any truth in it, but it does tend to get ethnicity, right?
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the future, we'll try not to waste your time by trying to figure out things.
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But you cannot deny that the Jewish people, the female Jewish people, seem to have...
00:12:00.000
I believe this was on Mother's Day, or it was around Mother's Day.
00:12:03.000
I used to live for the smell of my boyfriend's armpits, but I found if I work out hard enough, I can manifest that uber masculine post-coital smell in my own sweet armpits.
00:12:14.000
Now, she's got a really Israeli, I think her sister lives in Israel, and she's a big pro-you know, Israel activist with tons of loving children that are her nieces.
00:12:24.000
She must, these aunts with their dried-up ovaries must be around their nieces and just go, well, at least I have a stand-up comedy career.
00:12:39.000
Almost as sad as a stay-at-home dad, a male nurse, and a male flight attendant.
00:12:51.000
Especially when the libido goes down and men are just want to use you to bang you and you just want to be loved?
00:12:57.000
You know how much affection you get when you have kids, ladies?
00:13:04.000
But oh my God, you should have heard my son this weekend.
00:13:08.000
We went to see the movie and he's on his phone.
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Like he's checking his phone as he sits down, which is unacceptable.
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And he goes, and then I hear this, the most audacious thing he's ever said to me in his life.
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Meanwhile, I'm giving him popcorn and, you know, allowed to have Coke when you're a kid, right?
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I'm giving him a Coca-Cola slushie and a large popcorn as he's saying, I swear to God, I lost it, man.
00:14:01.000
I considered just ripping him out of the chair.
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I swear to God, one of these days, old man, I'm going to knock your block off.
00:14:11.000
Reminds me of the time once my dad, we pulled into a gas station.
00:14:17.000
And my dad said, can you go and fill up the cop?
00:14:24.000
And then he got out of the car, you know, like Scottish people, their rage is like, he broke the chair as he got out.
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And I remember just going, that was a big mistake.
00:14:45.000
Speaking of sex in this city, another funny thing happened this weekend.
00:14:52.000
So Georgia has this pretty rich, and I'm pro-life, pretty rich abortion laws.
00:15:02.000
And the heartbeat can be detected as early as six weeks.
00:15:05.000
And there's other things going on there, like if you go out of state to get an abortion, you can be punished with jail time.
00:15:15.000
Now, again, I don't know why this keeps coming up as a feminist issue.
00:15:19.000
About 50% of women think that abortion is murder.
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So if you make abortion legal, you are allowing murder in a society where these women live.
00:15:33.000
Anyway, did we talk about Ben Shapiro, by the way, last episode?
00:15:42.000
So he was talking on the BBC, and he's talking to a conservative, actually.
00:15:45.000
I think he worked at the American Spectator, but he was calling these laws draconian.
00:16:16.000
No, I just said, did we talk about this yesterday?
00:16:18.000
Then I wouldn't have put it in the notes if I wasn't sure.
00:16:24.000
And don't Photoshop that into a Zeek Heyle, please.
00:16:28.000
So, yeah, Ben Shapiro was on this show, and he cut the interview short because the guy was being a snarky little bitch.
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BBC purports to be an objective down-the-middle network.
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And you, as a journalist, are proceeding to call one side of the political aisle ignorant, barbaric, and sending us back to the Dark Ages.
00:17:01.000
Why don't you just say that you're on the left?
00:17:08.000
Mr. Shapiro, if you only knew how ridiculous that statement is, you wouldn't have said it.
00:17:17.000
Frankly, I find this whole thing a waste of time.
00:17:19.000
If you want to read the book and critique the book, why don't you read and critique the book?
00:17:22.000
If you want to critique me, you can think whatever you want of me.
00:17:25.000
Why don't you frankly give a damn what you think of me since I've never heard of you?
00:17:30.000
And I've never heard of you until I brief myself for this.
00:17:38.000
But my point is, your book claims that you've got to be able to do it.
00:17:45.000
He does something that drives me nuts, by the way.
00:17:47.000
Well, thank you for your time and for showing that anger is not part of American political discourse now, Mr. Shapiro.
00:18:30.000
Why are you so worried about their $136 mic cord?
00:18:36.000
People don't know how to have temper tantrums anymore.
00:18:40.000
He lost his temper and he threw his mid on the ground and started jumping on it on third base and he was removed from the game.
00:18:45.000
And like, I'm not a baseball expert, so I try to keep my mouth shut, but I was watching it going, I was disappointed in that temper tantrum.
00:18:53.000
I think he should have whipped his glove over the fence or something or kicked the wall.
00:18:59.000
Having a temper tantrum is a very healthy thing.
00:19:10.000
I talked to him once, the comedian, and he was like, yo, I used to be really bad, man.
00:19:43.000
Yeah, he's always talking about his medication.
00:19:47.000
It's like Nick DiPaulo was talking about how guys wearing helmets.
00:19:53.000
It's downright embarrassing how many men wear, grown men wear helmets.
00:20:00.000
100% of fatalities on the ski hill come from the guy not wearing a helmet.
00:20:10.000
It's not common out of the billions of times people are going down a ski hill.
00:20:18.000
This is Joe Mataris, basically, talking about his medication.
00:20:29.000
I'm on my bike in the woods in Westchester County, New York.
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I'm in the woods on a Sunday afternoon on my bike.
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Don't you have to think about these decisions before you make them?
00:20:58.000
How many guys my age have fallen off their bike and bang their head and die?
00:21:02.000
And what are my chances of getting laid with this stupid helmet on?
00:21:06.000
Yeah, I bet your wife, when you put on your little helmet and you're with your wife, I bet she looks over and it's just like, meh.
00:21:13.000
Remember we're talking about Judd Appetow's wife, how she must see him tweeting, this is the very worst humanity has to offer.
00:21:24.000
They said that her middle name was Should Have Married a Real.
00:21:29.000
I have to explain the joke that you don't set up properly.
00:21:33.000
Yeah, so Joe Matarista says, yeah, before I was on my medication, it was really bad.
00:21:40.000
Yeah, my entire adult life, I've had a spackle guy.
00:21:44.000
I have a Mexican who comes in about three times a year and just fixes the holes in the wall.
00:21:52.000
Even I kicked a hole through the door at the Cumia studio because the lock was kind of jiggly.
00:22:00.000
I remember one time when I was a kid, my dad's foot came into my room.
00:22:12.000
They also shamelessly would have sex and the headboard would go bang, bang, bang, bang against my wall.
00:22:19.000
Like then I was just like, oh, shut up and put my pillow over my head.
00:22:35.000
So, by the way, back to that Ben Shapiro thing briefly.
00:22:39.000
I don't think Americans, speaking of the British upbringing, quite get the devil's advocacy that Brits like to do.
00:22:47.000
So what that guy who is a conservative was doing was he was setting up an egregious argument for Ben to knock down.
00:22:54.000
So he said, tell me, Ben, why this abortion law isn't an example of us going back into the dark ages.
00:23:02.000
The interviewer doesn't think that abortion, that abortion law is putting us back into the dark ages.
00:23:07.000
But he wants, he's setting up Ben to explain why.
00:23:10.000
But Ben didn't get the nuance and he thought he was talking to a liberal.
00:23:18.000
Because he just moved to Georgia where this law, it's funny, everyone's talking about banning Georgia and Nick DePaulo gets in his U-Haul and moves there.
00:23:30.000
Yeah, but wait, before we talk to Nick, assuming you can get him.
00:23:36.000
So they make this abortion law and it pisses everyone off.
00:23:46.000
Just to be clear here, traditionalist Christians in Georgia get their way and they say there's too much premarital sex going on.
00:24:01.000
And you know what the feminists say in retaliation?
00:24:03.000
They go, oh yeah, we're not having any more premarital sex.
00:24:11.000
And I think they got it from, I think there was some Indian tribe like the Navajos stopped some civil war with some other tiny group, like a division of an Indian tribe, and it worked.
00:24:21.000
Their sex strike worked and the warriors stopped killing each other.
00:24:24.000
It doesn't apply to modern Georgia law, state law.
00:24:30.000
So these dumb feminists have gone on a sex strike and refused to have sex with their wimpy liberal boyfriends.
00:24:38.000
They were going to have tons of sex with conservatives.
00:24:40.000
And they've essentially done exactly what the bill was designed to do.
00:24:44.000
Encourage marriage, encourage marital sex, and discourage premarital sex.
00:24:59.000
Watching guys explain that women don't like sex has been the greatest parade of self-owns I've ever seen.
00:25:09.000
All right, while we still have Nick on the brain, track him.
00:25:30.000
I'm going for like a British comic book look today.
00:25:35.000
I won't take up too much of your time, but I got to say, we've been listening to A Breath of Fresh Air.
00:25:39.000
I'm reluctant to play any of it on the show that you don't tweet out because I don't want to ruin any of the bits, but it is a breath of fresh air.
00:25:54.000
I mean, it's just the world has become, as you know, nobody knows better than you, increasingly Politically correct to the point where it sounds like I'm getting more radical, which is not the case.
00:26:05.000
I'm just using logic and being honest as far as being a straight, white, old guy who's supposedly the problem.
00:26:16.000
But I've been, you know, I've been doing what I'm doing.
00:26:20.000
And this one, you know, like I said, because the world has gone nuts, this one seems so controversial, apparently, I feel weird about it.
00:26:28.000
I'm like, I was excited because it's got over 330,000 views.
00:26:32.000
But another part of me, you know, people are so angry.
00:26:35.000
I'm like, I felt like I committed some type of crime.
00:26:45.000
And it might be because I know that you just moved to Georgia from New York.
00:26:52.000
But I just feel like you were trying to be nice.
00:26:58.000
And then like a week ago, you just said, you know what?
00:27:11.000
No, I gave up on the fucking Hollywood sitcom shit at least 20 years ago.
00:27:20.000
Matter of fact, this is when I gave up on it officially.
00:27:23.000
I had a deal with Dennis Leary's company, Apostle Pictures, Dennis' company.
00:27:33.000
We had already taken three meetings with all the other major networks.
00:27:39.000
All the meetings were like all women and stuff.
00:27:41.000
And by the time we got to NBC, I was just fed up with the questioning because the first question is, what is the wife like in the show?
00:27:53.000
I said, well, in the pilot, she's pregnant, and I push her down the stairs.
00:27:57.000
I said that in a meeting, thinking Dennis Larry would laugh.
00:28:03.000
Even Dennis and they looked at me like I was fucking crazy.
00:28:11.000
Dennis actually, his company sent her like a dozen roses the next day.
00:28:25.000
They're paranoid that you're going to make Edith from All in the Family, and they want the woman to be empowered and to kick ass because that's the obsession with everyone.
00:28:32.000
And it's ruined TV, and we talk about this all the time.
00:28:39.000
Whether it's a sitcom or a scene in a movie, let's say it gives away the ending now.
00:28:44.000
Everything, it's so PC, you know, like when I see a commercial or a sitcom, a husband's playing his wife in one-on-one basketball.
00:28:50.000
Do you really think the husband, you don't know how that's going to end?
00:28:54.000
Or I can't watch Angelina Jolie in a movie beating up six Navy SEALs and shit.
00:29:01.000
The same reason I don't watch Star Wars and that shit.
00:29:04.000
No, I want a fucking falling trophy and a talking vacuum cleaner.
00:29:07.000
I want to watch you watching Endgame because it is brutal.
00:29:11.000
There's a feminist with short hair at the end who beats up a spaceship and saves the universe, not just the world.
00:29:17.000
But there's this one scene where this woman goes, some guy says to the female superhero, you think you got this?
00:29:25.000
And then this African woman from Wakanda shows up and says, she has backup.
00:29:30.000
And then nine female superheroes fill the screen, including Gwyneth Paltrow, who's wearing an Iron Man suit that Tony Starks gave her.
00:29:39.000
And the entire screen is just nine female superheroes about to kill the worst guy literally in the entire universe.
00:29:46.000
And you just, even my kids were going, oh my God.
00:29:50.000
It's fucking what's the kryptonite for that superwoman?
00:29:58.000
Getting off her ass in the middle of the day and doing something.
00:30:01.000
I was watching a Western movie a few years ago.
00:30:10.000
And the wife is making talking points for feminists today, like contemporary talking points.
00:30:21.000
It's one thing to take poetic license, they call up, but she sounded like a housewife from a 1996 sitcom, busting his balls and don't pick on the daughter.
00:30:31.000
Oh, yeah, a six-year-old girl talked back to her dad in 1850.
00:30:36.000
I've noticed this, too, when we take the kids to places like we were in London, we took them to Jack the Ripper, and it's like this experience where you walk through and you go to these different rooms and there's actors who play the roles and there's Sweeney Todd who's like eating people and stuff.
00:30:52.000
So they have all these brassy broad murderer women saying, why, Tap of the Marne, welcome to the most dangerous place in all of London.
00:31:04.000
And she's got a knife or something and you're like, you would just get stabbed in the face if it was Jack the Ripper days.
00:31:13.000
They're coming out with a sequel Jane the Raper.
00:31:17.000
Well, they were trying to push a black female James Bond.
00:31:24.000
What are the sex scenes in the black female James Bond?
00:31:27.000
Like, she just has this cuck, white guy who happily goes down on her and then skitters away when he's done.
00:31:34.000
Fucking, it's, you know who, what's his fucking name on MSNBC?
00:31:45.000
And there's plenty of guys like that, you know.
00:31:49.000
Well, the amazing thing about that, though, is everyone knows, right, that if you made a black female James Bond, it wouldn't appeal to anyone, really.
00:32:02.000
They just want to have fun and they want to be James Bond for a day, even if that's going to ruin it.
00:32:07.000
It's like if you and I insisted that our short Chinese friends got to join the NBA.
00:32:11.000
It would ruin the game, but our friends would get to play basketball in front of a bunch of people.
00:32:21.000
Yeah, you wouldn't go to a game and try to, you know, fucking watching Kevin Durant post up against Ding Chao Fling.
00:32:30.000
You know, his balls keep hitting the Chinese guy in the forehead.
00:32:35.000
But yeah, I can't, well, I just can't suspend my disbelief.
00:32:58.000
I like the old cartoons where, you know, fucking Bluto was trying to fucking force himself in olive oil.
00:33:07.000
And then, you know, the hero, the white guy, the Popeye would intervene.
00:33:12.000
All cartoons now are female scientists kicking butt and men acting like complete doofs and little boys acting like complete losers.
00:33:21.000
It's like the Homer Simpson model has just taken over everyone.
00:33:27.000
How about the commercials like during the masters?
00:33:30.000
Golf is still, you know, an old school old white guy.
00:33:33.000
But all the commercials, they're trying to turn it around, you know?
00:33:36.000
Hey, Mercedes, they have some angry-looking black chick.
00:33:40.000
Hey, Mercedes, how about making a car for somebody who doesn't play golf?
00:33:48.000
The whole message was like, why do you fucking start ignoring the old crusty white guys?
00:33:54.000
You're the one who turned me on to that one where she goes, she's driving and he's in the passenger seat and he's going, shouldn't we park there?
00:34:02.000
And she goes, yeah, I might as well just leave the car at home.
00:34:04.000
And then she goes, we're going to park right up the gut.
00:34:07.000
And then she parks up there and goes, someone's got to wear pants in this family.
00:34:15.000
Can you imagine what that creative meeting looked like?
00:34:17.000
Nine girls with crew cuts and 11 rings in their noses.
00:34:21.000
Just fucking furies at the world and right up the gut.
00:34:28.000
I watch the Middle East and they talk about Saudi Arabia and how they don't allow women to drive.
00:34:32.000
I watched a bride try to Parallel Park the other day.
00:34:37.000
I watched her try to Parallel Park for like 11 minutes and I went, not that driving has much to do with being president.
00:34:44.000
They drive you around, but I'm just saying, enough is enough.
00:34:52.000
I can't stop thinking about them when they walk down the street.
00:34:55.000
I want them to have to ask their Dali or whatever the guy's called who gives them permission.
00:35:05.000
Well, you're not going to have to wait too long.
00:35:12.000
You're shopping at a, waiting for a bomb to go.
00:35:18.000
And are you still kicked off PayPal and everything?
00:35:23.000
I got on YouTube through a lawyer, but they've demonetized it so I can't make a cent.
00:35:33.000
I've been told by insiders at YouTube that I'm on double secret probation and they're just waiting for a reason.
00:35:40.000
They'll send me a copyright strike from something that's 15 years old.
00:35:50.000
Did you, you know, I thought the controversy with the cover there, the guy giving the finger, isn't it funny that no one describes how that activist was killed?
00:36:00.000
That he was killed by a black junkie in a horrible crime-strewn area where the police just couldn't get there in time?
00:36:08.000
Yeah, he was riding his bike in New Orleans or something.
00:36:11.000
That's all the details I could find because the three articles I looked up, they all said the same thing.
00:36:20.000
But if Whitey shot him, they'd have every detail.
00:36:27.000
But the reason, and I'm taking some flack from my fans for apologizing.
00:36:31.000
And the reason I did was because that wasn't my intention to be giving the finger to a dead guy.
00:36:40.000
But I also said on this show last week, I hate everything the kids stood for.
00:36:45.000
Black Lives is a fucking thug terrorist group that was founded on a myth.
00:36:53.000
Five cops in Dallas was shot by a guy who was related to that group.
00:36:58.000
But I apologize more so for the family and that I didn't intend to be doing it.
00:37:10.000
No, no one's saying had a problem with that apology.
00:37:14.000
And it also didn't let them go off on a tangent with it.
00:37:17.000
So just to wrap up here, so your contention is that those of us who think that this is some sort of liberation, this is the Georgian Nick DiPaulo, now that he's living in the South, that's all in our heads.
00:37:29.000
And you haven't changed, and this special is no different from any other?
00:37:36.000
And, you know, but yeah, no, I'm no, here's how you look at it.
00:37:43.000
I was living in Westchester County, literally four miles from Hillary Clinton's house.
00:37:58.000
Yeah, no, I'm in Westchester, and I get the same thing.
00:38:00.000
I get notes on my driveway, and they put hate has no home here, signs on my lawn.
00:38:04.000
They are, this is the Trump derangement syndrome capital of the world.
00:38:10.000
A lot of this, you know, but yeah, a banker trying to get a loan through it and they're making me jump to a thousand hoops.
00:38:19.000
I guarantee it, because that's the level they play at.
00:38:22.000
So I picked a state that I would agree with their politics.
00:38:39.000
I went to Chick-fil-A the minute I got here with a handgun on my lap just to become a southerner.
00:38:59.000
Let me get back to you on that one and see if my manager says.
00:39:22.000
And I'm kind of a fanboy, and I get too excited.
00:39:28.000
And Nick's kind of an alpha, so he doesn't enjoy subservience.
00:39:34.000
So I come on sort of like those cartoon dogs where the little dog's like, what are we going to do now?
00:39:45.000
Not every interview is out of the park sometime.
00:39:48.000
Plus, we've been trying to get him for so long that I was so excited.
00:39:56.000
Next time, from now on, I'm going to be a badass.
00:40:11.000
All right, later, I'm going to go drink whiskey and bang brads.
00:40:21.000
He sounds, as you point out, he has a Boston accent and a New York accent at the same time.
00:40:26.000
And he sounds like a dispatcher from the 40s in Brooklyn.
00:40:35.000
I mean, we fucking had you at there at 6 in the morning.
00:40:45.000
Like, if he was in Lenny Bruce's era, just driving a yellow cab, he'd be a superstar.
00:41:00.000
He had like these, I think he lived on Long Island, and he had these hillbilly neighbors who they were like related to his neighbors.
00:41:09.000
And they just built a shack in between their two houses on the lawn and lived in it.
00:41:15.000
And they would have no shoes and throw rocks at cars and they were a nightmare.
00:41:19.000
And eventually they moved down south or something.
00:41:21.000
And the DiPaolos would fight them and hated them.
00:41:28.000
Then on the day they were leaving, they had packed up an old pickup truck and they're heading down and we're waving goodbye.
00:41:54.000
It's like fighting 100 chicks because they're terrible at this, but they're kind of winning.
00:42:01.000
Enrico Tario of the Proud Boys cannot use his own personal bank account that he's had for his whole life.
00:42:07.000
Like that was his little piggy bank when he had a paper root.
00:42:12.000
I'm trying to hook up with this math teacher, sexually, I mean, on Grinder, who she just got fired from her job as a math teacher because they found out that she's a conservative and she supports Trump and she worked with David Horowitz.
00:42:27.000
No, you may not find the surface area of 3x plus y cube spun about the z-axis.
00:42:32.000
You're going to draw little swastikas in your formulas and brainwash our kids into being fascists.
00:42:39.000
David Horowitz, by the way, is about as liberal as conservatives get.
00:42:44.000
He very reluctantly had me at one of his freedom weekends because I was right on the edge.
00:42:51.000
I think he's a brilliant activist, but he was a liberal most of his life.
00:42:55.000
He is the most, I don't want to call him milquetoast because he's a real firebrand, especially when it comes to Israel, but he's not remotely controversial.
00:43:04.000
But if you work with him, you may not teach math to children.
00:43:13.000
This is a, you know, Trump supporter plus math teacher minus logic equals fire teacher.
00:43:45.000
And by the way, teachers can sit there and talk about killing cops.
00:43:54.000
They can talk about how evil America is, how it was stolen from the Indians, how it was built on slavery.
00:44:01.000
How Columbus Day should be changed to Indigenous Peoples' Day, which my kids were taught in school.
00:44:08.000
They literally had a Howard Zinn journal, like aficionado.
00:44:14.000
That's a radical leftist, by the way, who thinks that we are all evil.
00:44:17.000
And his People's History of America is just like evil white colonists destroying everything.
00:44:30.000
Anyway, so if you're fighting 100 women at once, in the short term, someone's going to go, man, you're going to go, and that's what happened with this Pete Butley gig.
00:44:45.000
Trump jumped over it and then threw Pete in it by showing that he knows nothing about kids and Alfred E. Newman.
00:44:55.000
You better, because I just set it up right there.
00:44:58.000
And if he was not on the line, I would look like a total imbecile.
00:45:09.000
Still at war with the mob of Trump Derangement Syndrome lunatics.
00:45:24.000
Hey, I want to talk to you about your Pete Butley gig poster.
00:45:40.000
And what you're supposed to do is make butt jokes, and you're supposed to say, I don't want no fairies in the White House, blah, blah, blah.
00:45:47.000
And then the conservatives are the old, boring traditionalists, and they get swept out to sea like an old dying person.
00:46:00.000
He called him Alfred E. Newman, which you helped drive home with your poster.
00:46:05.000
And then Pete got screwed because he said, oh, I had to Google it.
00:46:18.000
He just showed that he doesn't know anyone with kids.
00:46:27.000
He's gay and he's got the name Butt in his name.
00:46:30.000
But unfortunately, he looks like a 19-year-old that hasn't quite filled in his father's suit.
00:46:37.000
It's like we're up against, it's sort of like fighting 100 chicks.
00:46:41.000
Like it's a nightmare and they fall on top of you and you can't breathe at times.
00:46:45.000
But the actual battles, we're dealing with total amateurs.
00:46:49.000
You think I'm going to fall for your gay trick, you dummies?
00:46:55.000
It's kind of like the Democrats set up the shot and Trump, and they were expecting Trump to spike it in, but he just standing there looking at you like, no, I don't think so.
00:47:06.000
And you know, the beauty of his insults, like low energy Jeb was low energy Jeb from that moment forward.
00:47:14.000
And then what did he call Little Marco Rubio, Little Marco?
00:47:19.000
And now, every time I look at Pete, I see Alfred E. You do realize that's Batman.
00:47:47.000
I've been doing this crazy shit forever, and then I see all these trunk people come in and they kind of like amp it up two notches.
00:47:55.000
And then I kind of want to like step back and go, okay, can we all like relax a little bit?
00:48:00.000
But the fact of the matter is, dude, I mean, you're probably going to have to strap up and put the armor on because it's going to get brutal.
00:48:09.000
I mean, you've suffered more than most anyone I know.
00:48:13.000
And if I were you, I probably would have lost it by now.
00:48:24.000
I'm talking jiu-jitsu for the first time tonight.
00:48:41.000
Now, that interview went much better because I like Sabo, but not too much.
00:48:52.000
Ah, and you're not attracted to Sabo, which is insulting.
00:49:03.000
Actually, they're probably the same age, right?
00:49:18.000
I used to have these gay neighbors, Jason and Manuel.
00:49:28.000
And one day, Jason, they've been living together for years.
00:49:33.000
And one day, Jason said, I don't like that you're drinking so much.
00:49:51.000
They lived together and they had a country house together.
00:49:55.000
And next thing you know, you never see Jason ever again.
00:50:00.000
Because they have the top and the bottom thing exaggerated.
00:50:04.000
They have domestic abuse problems too, especially lesbians.
00:50:08.000
They adopt a hyperbolic version of what we were in the 50s.
00:50:14.000
So they have the sideburns and the tank tops and like, where's my fucking dinner?
00:50:19.000
And then she's an exaggeration of the little timid housewife, the lipstick lesbian.
00:50:24.000
So she's like, sorry, sorry, I'll have it ready.
00:50:26.000
This is not all lesbians, obviously, but a contingent of the sort of freakier ones.
00:50:36.000
Especially in San Francisco and stuff where they really got it down to an art form.
00:50:39.000
And they will have like brutal divorces, domestic abuse.
00:50:46.000
I think a very unreported statistic is lesbian domestic violence.
00:50:53.000
It's really just them pretending to be something that I don't even think was true.
00:50:59.000
Like this whole notion of the wife beater with the beer in Brooklyn coming up.
00:51:08.000
I shouldn't say it just seems dubious, but I don't know.
00:51:12.000
I wasn't around in Brooklyn in the 40s and 50s.
00:51:34.000
And I can't believe I have to hand you the knife, hold it up to my chest, and say, now push.
00:51:43.000
It's like when I'm showing my kids how to fight.
00:51:47.000
We play this game where you have to slap the guy, not hard, but this doesn't count.
00:52:02.000
So I tried to use the same thing, but the difference.
00:52:05.000
I would like to end, not with my mailbag, but with a guy we discovered.
00:52:19.000
He's one of the few celebrities that will still speak to me very occasionally.
00:52:23.000
That's the secret to maintaining your celebrity friends.
00:52:59.000
But I've never seen a YouTube channel where many things have zero views.
00:53:09.000
You're watching it on your computer, and then I put it on mine.
00:53:16.000
Okay, so this guy is simply going through Amazon and looking at pictures of things that are like goth, whatever he is, and he's describing them.
00:53:47.000
In makeup news is basically Manic Panic Virgin Dreamtone Gothic Foundation Vampire White by Manic Panic.
00:54:05.000
Well, then you have to say it's just been released.
00:54:13.000
In the news today, an Urwelly thing I won in Orlando.
00:54:23.000
Also in the news, fingers like this that say, please be a fart.
00:54:39.000
And now get online at, you guessed it, Amazon.com.
00:54:57.000
Also, White Foundation, also from Manic Pennic.
00:55:04.000
Jeez, you guys just really are demanding I do this.
00:55:28.000
And as it happens, if you liked our jingle for the intro of the show, that was a gift from Klaus Larsen.
00:55:43.000
Show his name, though, so people can look him up.
00:55:50.000
Like, I could have him reading Amazon in the background, and I would just like, while I'm doing the dishes or something, show his page with his name so we can see him.
00:56:05.000
I discovered him because he green screened me with this hideous four views, seven views, seven views.
00:56:17.000
So I've just been told I'm on double secret probation or some sort of 30-day watch on YouTube where if I do anything wrong.
00:56:26.000
Everyone gets a voice, even people with absolutely nothing to say.
00:56:36.000
You may have noticed from my face that I've covered with goth makeup.
00:56:47.000
And I implore you to get fired, get in trouble, be brave, and never stop fighting.