Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes - S02E109 - TWO MINDS [2020-01-08 - S02E109

00:00:58.000 This is the most awkward I've ever I'm not even done.

00:01:02.000 Is the did you fix the button?

00:01:04.000 No, the button still broke.

00:01:05.000 Oh, that was uh Fontaine's DC, who are not from DC at all.

00:01:12.000 They're from Dublin, which is a rainy city.

00:01:17.000 And it reminds me of a lot of other rainy music.

00:01:20.000 It kind of sounds like The Wire.

00:01:22.000 It kind of sounds like The Fall.

00:01:27.000 Kind of sounds like Jesus and Mary Chain from Gleske, another rainy city.

00:01:34.000 There's something about rain that just makes you go, oh, the mother instead of waking up in the morning.

00:01:38.000 Not really sure what I'm supposed to go doing.

00:01:42.000 Jing, jing, ring, jing, jang.

00:01:44.000 Raining all the time.

00:01:45.000 It's jangy.

00:01:46.000 Rain, jing, ring, ring.

00:01:48.000 Do you have Jesus and Mary Chain?

00:01:50.000 One, two?

00:01:52.000 They do that too.

00:01:52.000 Jing, jing, jing.

00:01:54.000 It's like the sound of splashing.

00:01:55.000 Pshhh.

00:01:59.000 Jan, jan, jan, jan.

00:02:01.000 Pshhh.

00:02:03.000 Jump in the middle of that.

00:02:09.000 Rainy city bands sound like it's raining.

00:02:13.000 I've just made that discovery today.

00:02:16.000 Soggy jeans.

00:02:17.000 Soggy jeans.

00:02:19.000 That's another band that sounds like it's raining.

00:02:23.000 What's up, we're soggy jeans?

00:02:25.000 Dude, that makes you think of jizz.

00:02:26.000 I hate soggy jeans.

00:02:28.000 That's what I hate about summer.

00:02:28.000 Oh, me too.

00:02:32.000 Wet legs.

00:02:33.000 That's what I argued with Jim Goad about because he hates cold and he loves the summer.

00:02:38.000 And he wears black jeans in Atlanta where it's 110% humidity.

00:02:44.000 And I go, your legs must be wet.

00:02:46.000 Yeah.

00:02:47.000 He's like, no, not really.

00:02:49.000 Or the shop assistants, that's another soggy jeans band.

00:02:52.000 They're from Edinburgh.

00:02:53.000 If you're from Glasgow, you're called a Ouija.

00:02:56.000 If you're from Edinburgh, you're called a Barker.

00:02:59.000 So the G's Medicine of Ouija.

00:03:01.000 This is a great jam.

00:03:06.000 I don't want to be friends with you.

00:03:07.000 I don't want to be friends with you.

00:03:18.000 All of that audio shit.

00:03:20.000 Yeah.

00:03:21.000 Is it live?

00:03:25.000 Probably just the best YouTube can do.

00:03:28.000 YouTube sucks.

00:03:32.000 Who?

00:03:33.000 Young people and boomers.

00:03:35.000 Yeah, I don't do it.

00:03:37.000 No, it sounds like shizzit.

00:03:39.000 I can't do it.

00:03:40.000 Can't do it.

00:03:41.000 Not gonna do it.

00:03:42.000 Anyway.

00:03:44.000 Welcome to the show.

00:03:45.000 We've got a jam-packed show for you.

00:03:48.000 We have a special segment called Things I'm of Two Minds About.

00:03:52.000 I hope you like it.

00:03:53.000 I hope it's good and interesting and funny.

00:03:55.000 And I'm not sure it is.

00:03:56.000 I've been feeling kind of insecure recently.

00:03:59.000 I think that God thing was so unfunny, it was embarrassing.

00:04:05.000 But you only heard that.

00:04:07.000 What is the maximum amount of people?

00:04:09.000 I bet it's going to pop up on Reddit cringe.

00:04:12.000 The dildo thing's gone.

00:04:14.000 I've just erased my dildo past with a cornball god imitation.

00:04:21.000 All right, then I won't try to be funny if I'm not feeling funny.

00:04:23.000 The great Japanese calligraphers would do characters all day, and the second they did a bad one, they'd stop and then not paint or whatever you call that stupid writing for days.

00:04:36.000 Because they didn't want to, you know, not have it be real.

00:04:41.000 By the way, China and Japan and the Middle East, if your language requires a paintbrush to write, your language sucks.

00:04:49.000 Your language is stupid.

00:04:52.000 Fucking Chinese, it's a drawing for everything.

00:04:56.000 What's a man in a boat?

00:04:57.000 Oh, it's like a guy and then there's a boat and then there's water.

00:05:02.000 Oh, that's a drawing.

00:05:04.000 What are you, a cave person?

00:05:06.000 Hieroglyphics now?

00:05:08.000 The only Asian language that isn't retarded is Korean, and that's because the king said, just get me the smartest guy, some professor at some fancy university, and let's redo this shit, because drawing a fucking picture for every single character, look how hard that is to draw, too.

00:05:26.000 Look how stupid that is.

00:05:31.000 Go back.

00:05:32.000 That line, look at the T, it's not even a T. You have to have a little kink in it.

00:05:36.000 Jesus.

00:05:36.000 Yes.

00:05:37.000 And then the bottom, my face is covering it, but this part, show this part.

00:05:43.000 Look, now you got to do a little dip.

00:05:45.000 There's like nine things to remember.

00:05:47.000 What's that?

00:05:48.000 What's that the word for?

00:05:50.000 Shitty?

00:05:55.000 You're a bigger loser than an animal.

00:05:57.000 And it's got a little cowlick on the left.

00:05:59.000 What the fuck?

00:06:00.000 That's got to be a thing.

00:06:01.000 And that probably means open window with pencil sticking out of bottom.

00:06:07.000 Look, you got that stupid weird T again.

00:06:10.000 How many little nicks do you got to carve in this one?

00:06:14.000 That's dumb.

00:06:15.000 That means tower.

00:06:17.000 What the fuck is this now?

00:06:19.000 Then you draw a line.

00:06:20.000 Then all you have to do is two more lines.

00:06:22.000 Oh, pinky.

00:06:23.000 Then just one other line.

00:06:25.000 And then you just have to draw a guy playing basketball at the bottom with an Up thing and two other lines.

00:06:31.000 Look at that.

00:06:33.000 You suck so bad.

00:06:35.000 You suck.

00:06:36.000 What the fuck?

00:06:37.000 Their keyboards must just be this entire desk.

00:06:39.000 Oh, yeah.

00:06:40.000 A man in China got on a boat.

00:06:48.000 Other countries suck.

00:06:51.000 Everywhere sucks.

00:06:52.000 The West is the best.

00:06:55.000 Stupid keyboards.

00:06:57.000 The only way they can make their language not stupid and gay is to anglicize it.

00:07:03.000 And their flags suck?

00:07:05.000 Like, what is Japan's flag?

00:07:06.000 A red dot?

00:07:08.000 What?

00:07:09.000 What are you doing?

00:07:10.000 Did a married Indian woman fall asleep face first on a napkin?

00:07:16.000 Was your white flag menstruated on?

00:07:19.000 We tried to surrender, but this chick had her period.

00:07:21.000 Always with wings.

00:07:26.000 Did you know this, by the way?

00:07:29.000 Totally off topic.

00:07:31.000 Sean Lennon's girlfriend, who is a fucking smokeshow.

00:07:37.000 I knew her when she was 16, actually, because she was a model and she'd come into Terry Richardson's studio.

00:07:41.000 Her mother was always there to make sure.

00:07:44.000 That's a terrible picture of her.

00:07:46.000 Lisa Kemp, I think her name is.

00:07:46.000 That's better.

00:07:49.000 Look at her.

00:07:50.000 I've talked to Sean a few times, and I always say, get a baby in that now.

00:07:56.000 It's best for the world.

00:07:58.000 He's surprisingly ripped.

00:08:00.000 Really?

00:08:01.000 Sean?

00:08:01.000 He comes from a long history of samurai warriors.

00:08:06.000 And he thinks he's like Jason Bourne, but he is.

00:08:09.000 Like he'll be in a fight and just a minor altercation backstage and he'll catch himself like, go, what the fuck?

00:08:16.000 What did I just do?

00:08:17.000 It's his samurai jeans.

00:08:18.000 Anyway, that's a total tangent.

00:08:20.000 So she's wearing this Clash t-shirt in a picture.

00:08:24.000 And it's from some, you know, the Clash probably have 10,000 shirts.

00:08:28.000 And it's some Japanese flag that I guess the Japs would wave when they went in to fight Korea.

00:08:38.000 And Koreans went nuts on him.

00:08:41.000 Saying, that was the flag of the Seoul massacre.

00:08:47.000 Why would you look up, just look up Sean Lennon Japan controversy?

00:08:53.000 If you look up him and his girlfriend, you're going to get infinite pictures.

00:09:02.000 It is clear that many of the go on that one.

00:09:02.000 Yeah, there we go.

00:09:05.000 They were sending him pictures of his dead father.

00:09:09.000 Sending him pictures of John Lennon murdered, covered in blood.

00:09:14.000 But do they have him apologizing?

00:09:17.000 Anyway, it was fucking crazy.

00:09:22.000 Maybe I shouldn't tell you things.

00:09:24.000 South Korea calls for the ban of Rising Sunflag at 2020 games.

00:09:29.000 Yeah.

00:09:30.000 But the Japanese were fucking monsters in all over Asia, Taiwan, massacring Chinese.

00:09:39.000 You know what's a trip?

00:09:41.000 If you go into the mountains of Taiwan, you will, and you find someone super old, like 80 years old, they will speak.

00:09:48.000 There it is.

00:09:49.000 That's the picture.

00:09:51.000 They will speak Japanese.

00:09:54.000 I guess Japan occupied Taiwan.

00:09:59.000 Did you also know this?

00:10:01.000 Speaking of insane tangents, there's Taiwanese aboriginals who were there before the Chinese.

00:10:08.000 And they look so fucking hot.

00:10:11.000 They look this hot.

00:10:14.000 From where?

00:10:15.000 Taiwan.

00:10:16.000 You know, everyone has Aboriginals.

00:10:18.000 Japan had the Ainu.

00:10:20.000 Taiwan had the Taiwanese.

00:10:22.000 So people in Taiwan call themselves Chinese.

00:10:24.000 They don't say I'm Taiwanese.

00:10:26.000 Taiwanese are the Abbos.

00:10:29.000 And they are good looking.

00:10:31.000 Oh, there's one.

00:10:31.000 Look at that little sweet treat.

00:10:36.000 Little sweet treat.

00:10:38.000 All right.

00:10:39.000 So did they show the controversy back there?

00:10:42.000 Above.

00:10:44.000 Yeah, he was in hot waters.

00:10:46.000 John Leon is son in hot waters after defending the rising sun flag.

00:10:51.000 Look, she's committing another sin by wearing an Indian headdress.

00:10:54.000 There's so many rules you have to follow.

00:10:57.000 They just like to dress up.

00:10:58.000 He's dressed up like Les Claypool.

00:11:01.000 He's in a band with Les Claypool.

00:11:02.000 Alright, let's get to the news.

00:11:03.000 do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do Trump is on Adderall.

00:11:12.000 1-4.

00:11:13.000 So some comedians saw him.

00:11:14.000 Trump is on drugs, whether we want to face it or not.

00:11:17.000 He is an Adderall addict and has been addicted to speed for decades.

00:11:21.000 Benzo's figuring as well as the UK Suda Fed he takes to control those sniffles and for the buzz.

00:11:27.000 This was no secret in TV production.

00:11:31.000 We here at the show have an opinion on this, and that is, so I want my president doing Adderall.

00:11:37.000 I don't want him doing cocaine because it's too much of an uppy-downy.

00:11:40.000 Adderall is a nice shh.

00:11:44.000 Monday and Tuesday's shows, I was on Adderall.

00:11:47.000 I didn't even notice the difference.

00:11:49.000 Well, I thought they were really good.

00:11:51.000 Yeah, me too.

00:11:52.000 But now that I'm not on it today, I found a pill in my briefcase.

00:11:56.000 You don't know what it is.

00:11:56.000 So I had half of it on Monday and then a quarter on Tuesday.

00:11:59.000 Oh, gotcha.

00:12:00.000 I was pretty good at the gym.

00:12:02.000 I know that.

00:12:03.000 I'd never work out on that.

00:12:05.000 Your heart didn't feel like it was going to explode?

00:12:07.000 No, I didn't take very much.

00:12:09.000 But yeah, JFK is considered the greatest president in history, and he was high out of his fucking mind on speed.

00:12:17.000 He had it injected into his ass.

00:12:21.000 And first they told him it was vitamins, and then they go, actually, you want to know what?

00:12:25.000 We were giving you amphetamines.

00:12:27.000 And he said, instead of like, what?

00:12:30.000 That's rape.

00:12:31.000 You were giving me drugs.

00:12:32.000 He goes, I don't care if it's horse piss.

00:12:35.000 Keep doing it.

00:12:36.000 It makes me feel great.

00:12:37.000 Keep doing it.

00:12:39.000 You know, as a world leader, you get to sleep about four hours a night.

00:12:43.000 How are you not going to be on Adderall?

00:12:46.000 Anyway, this is considered a coup for the left, and they will not shut up about it.

00:12:50.000 Adderall's trending on Twitter.

00:12:53.000 It's twending.

00:12:55.000 I'm just going to say twending from now on because the Fed is twending.

00:12:59.000 And here's the smoking gun.

00:13:01.000 You ready for this?

00:13:02.000 This is according to everyone's stupid on Twitter.

00:13:05.000 And to be clear, when you look at social media and magazines and Huffington Post and all this, you see they all feel the same way about everything.

00:13:16.000 And they represent a fraction of the population.

00:13:19.000 So we talk about them a lot because they consume so much media, so much of the media, but they don't represent America.

00:13:26.000 So I would say about 80% of Twitter is really excited about this, and they represent 8% of America.

00:13:38.000 Anyway, here's the smoking gun proof that our president is high out of his mind on Adderall.

00:13:46.000 The snorting gun.

00:13:47.000 Which doesn't even make you high.

00:13:49.000 No.

00:13:50.000 It's just like a bunch of coffee without the gut rot.

00:13:53.000 The American military has been completely rebuilt under my administration at a cost of $2.5 trillion.

00:14:01.000 U.S. armed forces are strong.

00:14:04.000 Did you catch that?

00:14:06.000 He inhaled through his nose ergo.

00:14:10.000 He's high out of his mind on this.

00:14:11.000 They think he's snorting at her.

00:14:16.000 Yeah.

00:14:17.000 Because some comedian who worked with him said he saw him do it once.

00:14:19.000 Could you picture him snorting it?

00:14:22.000 I couldn't either.

00:14:22.000 No.

00:14:23.000 Why would anyone...

00:14:27.000 I never really got that.

00:14:27.000 I've snorted it.

00:14:28.000 I guess you get it into you faster?

00:14:30.000 Yeah, I guess that's it.

00:14:32.000 Makes you feel like you're doing more of a thing than ever before.

00:14:36.000 Our missiles are big, powerful, accurate, lethal, and fast.

00:14:43.000 Under construction, our many hyper.

00:14:45.000 Isn't that not even clearing your nose snorting?

00:14:47.000 Yeah, it's not like he's going.

00:14:49.000 If you did coke, you're like, to get it in there.

00:14:52.000 He's just going, he's just breathing through his mind.

00:14:54.000 It's called breathing.

00:14:56.000 They literally have a problem with him breathing.

00:15:01.000 Impersonic missiles.

00:15:04.000 The fact that we have this great military and equipment, however, does not mean we have to use it.

00:15:10.000 We do not want to use it.

00:15:14.000 American strength, both military and economic, is the best deterrent.

00:15:21.000 Three months ago, they have to destroy this.

00:15:24.000 This is a controversy.

00:15:25.000 This is what's trending on Twitter.

00:15:27.000 Can you believe that?

00:15:28.000 Here's something I forgot.

00:15:29.000 Speaking of new news, I have some old news.

00:15:32.000 I forgot to tell you about this.

00:15:33.000 I was so drunk during Christmas that I forget entire parts of it.

00:15:38.000 And one of them was, this is 3-2.

00:15:41.000 My wife got me a cameo from High Pitch Eric.

00:15:46.000 What?

00:15:47.000 Yeah.

00:15:50.000 Hey, Kevin!

00:15:51.000 I heard on your favorite whack paper.

00:15:53.000 I'd like to wish her a Merry Christmas and a kick-ass 2020.

00:15:57.000 I hope this year is the best ever as the last two kind of sucked.

00:16:06.000 So I want to tell you to watch Blue Buds and that Donnie would be funny.

00:16:14.000 By the way, Merry Christmas.

00:16:20.000 He really took his time to get to that.

00:16:22.000 Yeah, he is my favorite whackbacker.

00:16:24.000 Like, people criticize Howard Stern, and I do it all the time, but he still puts out some gold.

00:16:28.000 And one of my favorite Howard Stern bits of all time happened last year, I think.

00:16:32.000 And it was high-pitch Eric.

00:16:34.000 They sent him to some other studio, and they go, there's some show that really wants you on, and you should probably do it.

00:16:39.000 So they set up a fake show in Sirius that's a white power Nazi show.

00:16:47.000 And Eric is such a dunce that he appeared on the show.

00:16:52.000 And they're like, hey, all right, Eric, we're here to say fucking white power.

00:16:56.000 Have you got it?

00:16:58.000 And he's like, white power?

00:16:59.000 Just like, I'm anyone's dog for a bone.

00:17:02.000 Nazis?

00:17:02.000 Okay, I'm a Nazi.

00:17:04.000 That quote will be taken out of context.

00:17:07.000 No, you're not as a clam.

00:17:09.000 Yeah.

00:17:10.000 White power.

00:17:11.000 And Eric, like, you know.

00:17:13.000 And this is Mr. Milk, the s ⁇ .

00:17:15.000 WPR White Power Radio.

00:17:17.000 You're listening to Cletus the Cooter in the morning.

00:17:19.000 I'm Cletus.

00:17:20.000 And I'm Kudu.

00:17:21.000 Joining us today, we have a special guest helping us out from the Howard Stern Radio Program, Mr. Eric Bleeman.

00:17:27.000 Is that correct?

00:17:28.000 How are you?

00:17:28.000 That's right.

00:17:29.000 Very good.

00:17:29.000 How you doing?

00:17:30.000 I'm doing swell.

00:17:30.000 Why power?

00:17:32.000 Now, what annoys you?

00:17:33.000 White power.

00:17:33.000 They just say it.

00:17:37.000 Now, you know, I have a disability.

00:17:41.000 Do you see me with a cane?

00:17:44.000 You know, trying to find a seat?

00:17:45.000 They don't offer me a seat.

00:17:47.000 What are your feelings on President Obama?

00:17:49.000 First black president?

00:17:50.000 I can't fucking stand him.

00:17:52.000 He's a piece of shit.

00:17:53.000 He's arrogant.

00:17:54.000 And I don't like him.

00:17:55.000 Why power?

00:17:56.000 Why power?

00:18:00.000 Right in it.

00:18:02.000 Yeah, that's about a year old.

00:18:03.000 I'm sitting in the car listening to some guy yell white power.

00:18:09.000 He just says it casually.

00:18:10.000 That's high quality.

00:18:11.000 Comment.

00:18:12.000 That's very funny.

00:18:15.000 Also in the news, this is an important piece you should know that Larry David, one of the worst dressed people in America, says you should have one nice piece of clothing on.

00:18:24.000 Like this is a fancy jacket.

00:18:25.000 So after this, I should have nothing on, like a T-shirt and jeans and sneakers.

00:18:29.000 This is his...

00:18:34.000 He dresses like a 93-year-old.

00:18:37.000 He always wears, and you know the worst thing about the way he dresses?

00:18:40.000 I love Larry David to death, just to be clear here.

00:18:43.000 I'm gay for Larry.

00:18:44.000 He's my spirit animal.

00:18:46.000 But I hate his weird skinny body.

00:18:49.000 I hate a blazer with a sweater, especially in LA, where it's basically 75 degrees every day.

00:18:55.000 If you ever wear a sweater with your blazer, you're boiling.

00:18:58.000 And go back, go back, go back.

00:19:00.000 His fucking shoes.

00:19:01.000 He wears like Skechers or campers.

00:19:05.000 Clarks or whatever.

00:19:06.000 One of those like beta male, you know, when you're working on a film set or a TV set and there's like the assistant and the assistant camera guy and he's got his, they all, they're all millennials and they have beards.

00:19:16.000 Like they look like me, I guess.

00:19:18.000 And they have those clear glasses with no frames and they have a cardigan on and brown cords and little desert boots or little camper shoes that are just, they look like girls' shoes.

00:19:30.000 They look like a teddy bear would wear them.

00:19:35.000 So look at those stupid things.

00:19:39.000 I hate soft shoes.

00:19:42.000 What are you wearing right now?

00:19:44.000 Um Nikes?

00:19:45.000 Yeah, Nike Air Force ones with uh Velcro that you could you could kids today crack me up.

00:19:58.000 Also, a very important piece of news.

00:20:00.000 Richard E. Grant is ruining Withnail and I. Withnail and I is one of our favorite movies here on the show.

00:20:06.000 And Richard E. Grant is turning into a real fag.

00:20:09.000 He's a real twat.

00:20:11.000 And he's ruining the movie for me.

00:20:14.000 This is the deal.

00:20:15.000 He made Withnail and I, one of the greatest movies ever made, and then he did how to get it in advertising, both masterpieces that he got zero recognition for.

00:20:23.000 Then he played a homosexual with Melissa McCarthy, where she's making fake letters from famous authors.

00:20:31.000 And he's a queer.

00:20:33.000 A queer.

00:20:34.000 Do you think he's a queer?

00:20:37.000 And then he won some award.

00:20:38.000 So he gets, okay, I get it.

00:20:40.000 Politically correct and be a real faggy ass kisser.

00:20:44.000 That seems to be what people want.

00:20:46.000 And ever since then, things are going great for him in Hollywood.

00:20:49.000 Now that he's a kiss-ass pussy.

00:20:52.000 Richard D. Granamorgi.

00:20:54.000 Can you ever forgive him?

00:20:55.000 That's the name of the movie.

00:20:56.000 He's not saying, I'm not sure I can forgive you, Richard.

00:21:00.000 So here he is just after he's seen Star Wars.

00:21:06.000 And our favorite Scottish comedian, Lemmy, reacts to that.

00:21:10.000 You shouldn't.

00:21:11.000 Can you do it without showing Lemmy first?

00:21:13.000 It doesn't matter.

00:21:14.000 We've already given it away.

00:21:19.000 Star Wars.

00:21:20.000 The rise.

00:21:21.000 I've just seen.

00:21:23.000 Are you crying?

00:21:24.000 Star Wars.

00:21:25.000 The rise of Skywalker.

00:21:28.000 And nothing prepares you for this.

00:21:32.000 Just pause.

00:21:33.000 He is crying.

00:21:35.000 And I hate the looking away thing.

00:21:38.000 Is he looking for the strength to continue speaking?

00:21:42.000 Looking in another room, another part of his bedroom for the strength?

00:21:47.000 He's looking at his wife and is someone throwing him power?

00:21:50.000 They're all there like this.

00:21:51.000 Go ahead, honey.

00:21:52.000 You can do it.

00:21:52.000 Yes, keep going.

00:21:54.000 I know you're crying.

00:21:55.000 I'm crying too.

00:21:56.000 Wait, is this the guy who said, what fucker said?

00:21:59.000 Yes.

00:22:00.000 That's the guy who played it?

00:22:01.000 That's the guy who says, what?

00:22:02.000 Fucker said.

00:22:03.000 No.

00:22:04.000 I have a heart condition.

00:22:05.000 If you hit me, it's mud.

00:22:06.000 Oh, I see it now.

00:22:08.000 That's with nail.

00:22:09.000 Yeah.

00:22:10.000 I cheered.

00:22:12.000 I shouted.

00:22:13.000 I fist-pumped the air.

00:22:15.000 I cried.

00:22:16.000 I don't believe you, by the way.

00:22:17.000 I stood and cheered.

00:22:18.000 It's absolutely everything that you hoped it was going to be.

00:22:25.000 I'm so proud to be in it.

00:22:27.000 And I can't wait for you to see it.

00:22:29.000 Me?

00:22:31.000 What does that mean?

00:22:33.000 Who says I can't wait for you speaking to millions of people?

00:22:36.000 Is this a leaked private message?

00:22:40.000 I haven't seen it yet, Richard.

00:22:40.000 You can't.

00:22:42.000 So I'm sorry to keep you in suspense.

00:22:46.000 He wait for me, Gavin McKinneth.

00:22:48.000 He can't wait for you, Ryan Katsu Rivera.

00:22:51.000 He can't wait for you to see it.

00:22:53.000 Wow.

00:22:54.000 He can't wait.

00:22:56.000 Anyway, Lemmy nails it.

00:22:59.000 I've just seen Star Wars, Rise of Skywalker.

00:23:08.000 Nothing prepares you for this.

00:23:15.000 How do you die?

00:23:17.000 Phil bumped the air.

00:23:19.000 I cried.

00:23:21.000 I shouldn't cheat it.

00:23:23.000 It's absolutely everything you hoped it was going to be.

00:23:29.000 I'm so proud to be in it.

00:23:33.000 And I can't wait for you to see it.

00:23:40.000 see it.

00:23:42.000 I saw this video Richard Grant put up where he went to some celebrity's house and was...

00:23:51.000 And was just marveling at the apartment he used to stay in.

00:23:56.000 Oh, this is where it all began.

00:23:58.000 We lived in a tenement flat.

00:24:00.000 And then he also had some letter he wrote to like Barbara Streisand when he was seven living in South Africa.

00:24:07.000 And he republished that.

00:24:09.000 He's a real fucking shitstain of a dude.

00:24:13.000 Really disappointed in Richard E. Grant.

00:24:16.000 The guy who did the best movie ever is one of the worst guys imaginable.

00:24:22.000 But Lemmy is not.

00:24:24.000 Lemmy is awesome.

00:24:25.000 Lemmy used to have a show called Lemmy Show that was on a Scottish Channel 4 or whatever.

00:24:31.000 Most people couldn't even understand it.

00:24:33.000 But now he has a YouTube page.

00:24:35.000 This is 1.7.

00:24:36.000 He did this, like he just does these dumb sketches with his phone that are as good as Lemmy.

00:24:41.000 Check this one out.

00:24:44.000 Lemmy's Show.

00:24:45.000 One night, I was at a club called Fury Murray's that I used to go to when I was 19, when I was in college.

00:24:52.000 And I came out steaming.

00:24:53.000 I just left steaming out here.

00:24:56.000 Remember, I was steaming right.

00:24:58.000 I was looking at to that.

00:24:59.000 I was just looking about and I just felt, I don't know, I felt fucking drunk, bitter.

00:25:04.000 I just felt things wanted going my way.

00:25:07.000 I felt like I was meant to be someday.

00:25:11.000 And I shouted at the top of my voice, Bless God.

00:25:17.000 I didn't mean anybody to come here to shout it, but I did think, oh, come like this bridge.

00:25:21.000 No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

00:25:22.000 I'm not going to do it.

00:25:23.000 I have no idea, no?

00:25:25.000 Let's go!

00:25:29.000 Let's get the fuck out of here.

00:25:30.000 The cannonist.

00:25:32.000 Mechanistry.

00:25:34.000 Walking right up the middle of the cannon street with my making fucking noise me.

00:25:40.000 yes So some guy with a microphone recognizes him.

00:25:56.000 *Squeak* It's Lemmy!

00:25:58.000 *Squeak* *Squeak* Alright, it's Lemmy.

00:26:00.000 Lemmy, look you!

00:26:01.000 Lemmy, it's Lemmy!

00:26:03.000 You're my legend.

00:26:04.000 You don't hate me, you don't hate me.

00:26:05.000 It's Lemmy.

00:26:06.000 Alright, you're my legend.

00:26:07.000 Hello everybody.

00:26:08.000 Hello everyone.

00:26:09.000 We need a fucking wheelchair meet.

00:26:10.000 Can I give you a kiss?

00:26:11.000 I'm gonna kiss.

00:26:12.000 Can I give you a kiss?

00:26:13.000 Don't be gay.

00:26:14.000 I'm gonna go.

00:26:15.000 I'm gonna give you a kiss.

00:26:19.000 *Squeak* Yes!

00:26:21.000 You're a legend, man.

00:26:22.000 Where's the next TV coming out?

00:26:23.000 When's it coming?

00:26:24.000 I think she is.

00:26:24.000 The TV's heavier.

00:26:25.000 Always heavier.

00:26:26.000 Pound.

00:26:27.000 I bet it is.

00:26:28.000 I ain't no bother.

00:26:29.000 Let me, guys!

00:26:30.000 Come on!

00:26:31.000 Let me!

00:26:32.000 I can't get a selfie.

00:26:32.000 Hello!

00:26:33.000 I ain't no bother.

00:26:34.000 Some man!

00:26:36.000 I mean, I've been watching the band teams.

00:26:38.000 I'm not alive bro.

00:26:39.000 My brother.

00:26:40.000 See you later.

00:26:41.000 Can I get one more?

00:26:42.000 Aye, of course aye.

00:26:43.000 *Squeak*

00:26:53.000 What have I done in my life?

00:26:58.000 What a subtle thing.

00:27:00.000 I get it, but it's not.

00:27:01.000 So I saw that and I laughed.

00:27:03.000 And then I went, wait a minute, that's fucking brilliant.

00:27:06.000 Like, how did he do that?

00:27:08.000 I think this is my guess.

00:27:10.000 So he was out on Buchanan Street and he got, someone mentioned his name and then he had to do all those pictures.

00:27:16.000 So he had all that on tape.

00:27:17.000 And then he thought, I'll be, I'll pretend that I always wanted to be famous.

00:27:22.000 So he goes back and shoots the bridge part where he says, oh, Glasgow.

00:27:28.000 And then he put that at the beginning.

00:27:30.000 Oh, I see.

00:27:31.000 Yeah.

00:27:31.000 Gotcha.

00:27:32.000 And then he filmed everyone freaking out on him.

00:27:34.000 And then he read, what have we done to my life?

00:27:37.000 Fucking awesome.

00:27:38.000 That is subtle.

00:27:39.000 That is funny.

00:27:40.000 Is this show sucking?

00:27:42.000 I'm going through a very insecure phase.

00:27:44.000 I like it.

00:27:44.000 I hadn't thought about it till you said it, but I've been having quite a nice time.

00:27:48.000 Okay.

00:27:49.000 Yeah.

00:27:51.000 Don't let the haters get to you, yo.

00:27:55.000 Well, there's haters, but then there's also people.

00:27:57.000 I mean, I'm 49.

00:28:00.000 So this is, I'm coming to the end of my career.

00:28:03.000 Oh, heavens, no.

00:28:05.000 Yeah, you get less funny over time, and eventually you, you know, you peter out.

00:28:09.000 Look at Scorsese and the Irishman.

00:28:11.000 It sucked.

00:28:12.000 Look at Richard E. Grant.

00:28:13.000 Look at Richard E. Grant.

00:28:14.000 He sucks now.

00:28:15.000 He used to be the best guy in the world.

00:28:16.000 So there will come a time when I'll just have to say, I suck at this.

00:28:21.000 Bye.

00:28:23.000 That'll be you.

00:28:25.000 Lemmy has still got a long way to go.

00:28:28.000 Wait, Richard Grant films himself when he likes his hotel room?

00:28:31.000 Apparently.

00:28:32.000 Oh, Richard.

00:28:34.000 That takes away all the edge.

00:28:35.000 He seemed like such a cool, edgy dude.

00:28:38.000 If you hit me, I'll die.

00:28:40.000 Like, fuck.

00:28:42.000 He had never been drunk when he got the script for With Neil and I. And then he drank, really?

00:28:47.000 And so he drank a bottle of vodka to see what it's like to be drunk.

00:28:49.000 Wow.

00:28:50.000 He doesn't drink.

00:28:51.000 Holy crap.

00:28:52.000 When people don't drink, something's up.

00:28:54.000 Now, I'll give exceptions for, you know, Pat Dixon and people who were brutal alcoholics, Jim Norton.

00:29:00.000 But outside of people who are in AA because they drank too much, people don't drink.

00:29:07.000 That's why I don't like Asians.

00:29:10.000 I think I'm quitting drinking.

00:29:11.000 That's why I don't like you.

00:29:12.000 Right, as of now.

00:29:13.000 But before you did.

00:29:14.000 No, you could never hold your booze.

00:29:16.000 Like, we got this studio because it's near like five bars.

00:29:21.000 Yeah.

00:29:22.000 And my career has always been getting a drink after work.

00:29:27.000 Yeah.

00:29:28.000 And you don't drink after work.

00:29:28.000 It is.

00:29:30.000 But I can't because I still have to do the computer stuff.

00:29:32.000 I understand.

00:29:33.000 I'm just saying I don't like you.

00:29:37.000 Like it's, it's, that's like, that's like saying I don't want pit bulls around him.

00:29:39.000 Then the pit bull's saying, well, what did you just do?

00:29:41.000 I tried to put on ponce.

00:29:45.000 And then a pit bull goes, no, no, I'm all muscle and I was bred for fighting.

00:29:49.000 I don't give a shit.

00:29:50.000 I just don't want you around my kids.

00:29:53.000 I don't give a shit.

00:29:57.000 It could be real.

00:29:58.000 I was talking about that at the bar yesterday to some old timers.

00:30:01.000 We were talking about how Ellen DeGeneres is on the Golden Globes and she's portrayed as the first woman who was ever gay on TV.

00:30:10.000 And finally, gays realized they could be on TV.

00:30:13.000 Really?

00:30:13.000 I grew up in the 80s with Charles Nelson Riley on Hollywood Squares, raging faggot.

00:30:20.000 Paul Lind.

00:30:21.000 Paul Land.

00:30:22.000 Paul Land.

00:30:24.000 Complete homosexual.

00:30:26.000 Liberace, who would wear like feather balas, girls.

00:30:33.000 Elton John, yeah.

00:30:34.000 Elton John, clearly gay.

00:30:36.000 Freddie Mercury sang for a band called Queen.

00:30:41.000 And then, of course, the king of the fags, Rip Taylor, who I think he started in the 60s with his big bucket of confetti.

00:30:52.000 What the f ⁇ ?

00:30:54.000 It says Famous Gays and Bruno Mars pops up?

00:30:56.000 No.

00:31:00.000 I don't know.

00:31:01.000 So yeah, we were used to fags.

00:31:03.000 And the problem with Ellen wasn't that she came out as gay.

00:31:06.000 On her sitcom, the character was this boy-hungry sex maniac.

00:31:12.000 So then she came out as gay, and the show was like, man, that's what's a lesbian pretending that she likes cocks?

00:31:18.000 I'm not watching it anymore.

00:31:19.000 Oh, God.

00:31:20.000 She wrecked her character on her show.

00:31:21.000 And that's why they canceled it.

00:31:23.000 Because they did cancel it right after.

00:31:23.000 Yeah.

00:31:24.000 Like, say you had Charles Bronson in Deathwish, and it turned out that he was this raging queen who loved ballet.

00:31:31.000 Like, you didn't mind it when you found out about Elton John because you're like, yeah, I figured.

00:31:34.000 But that would ruin Deathwish.

00:31:36.000 Now you're like, he's a fag.

00:31:38.000 They killed all his friends, and he's on the warpath for revenge, you guys.

00:31:44.000 Well, you just wrecked the character.

00:31:46.000 Yeah, it's worse than making it all a dream, like that whole thing.

00:31:49.000 It wrecks celebrities worse than Twitter.

00:31:51.000 Twitter was the death of celebrity, by the way, because we got to see their personalities and we went, whoa, you are way stupider than I thought.

00:31:59.000 Speaking of which, Russell Crowe, his speech at the Golden Globes, made it clear that this is beyond the shadow of a doubt.

00:32:07.000 The fires in Australia are climate change.

00:32:12.000 And that's just not true.

00:32:14.000 The climate, look at this.

00:32:16.000 If you ignore the science when building a bridge, the bridge collapses.

00:32:19.000 If you ignore the science when building a plane, the plane crashes.

00:32:22.000 Professor Rosh Garneau, responsible for the 2008 Garneau Climate Change Review.

00:32:28.000 The guy who gets paid to be a climate change alarmist is a climate change alarmist.

00:32:28.000 Oh, really?

00:32:34.000 That's funny.

00:32:35.000 Our takeaway, don't ignore the science.

00:32:40.000 This is so ironic because they're ignoring the science.

00:32:43.000 They always say that.

00:32:44.000 They always say scientists are all in agreement that climate change is an issue.

00:32:47.000 No, the ones who benefit from it, even that 99% stat you keep hearing, you know how that was born?

00:32:53.000 Some fucking boring student, not a certified scientist, but someone who was in college taking STEM, did a survey where they talked about climate change.

00:33:04.000 And then they took the answers and they took a select group, all the people who said, yes, it's a major issue.

00:33:11.000 Then he re-asked that same specified group a question on climate change.

00:33:18.000 And 99% of them said, yes, it's an issue.

00:33:22.000 That's the origin of that bullshit.

00:33:25.000 Was this Jennifer Anderson talking?

00:33:26.000 Oh, that's Jennifer Anderson saying Russell Crowe's thing.

00:33:28.000 So anyway.

00:33:31.000 This is considered a right-wing, crazy Alex Jones theory.

00:33:35.000 This is what the alt-rights take is, but it's also the truth.

00:33:39.000 It was fucking arson.

00:33:42.000 And if you look at the climate in Australia over the past hundred years, it's like normal.

00:33:49.000 Hasn't really changed.

00:33:50.000 Now, once again, Paul Joseph Watson nails it so beautifully that I should almost just play this entire 10-minute video and just go pick my nose, go downstairs and do a shot.

00:34:02.000 ...fires are horrendous.

00:34:04.000 At least 18 people dead, thousands of homes destroyed.

00:34:08.000 Up to 20 years.

00:34:08.000 Millions of hectares of land torched.

00:34:10.000 Half a billion animals burned alive.

00:34:13.000 Look at this satellite image of the country.

00:34:15.000 Now, yesterday I was mocking people for saying the whole continent is on fire.

00:34:15.000 That is crazy.

00:34:20.000 Apparently, I was wrong.

00:34:22.000 Like, click that X out of the way.

00:34:24.000 Yeah.

00:34:25.000 That's crazy.

00:34:25.000 Look at that.

00:34:27.000 That's crazy.

00:34:28.000 Now, this boggles the mind.

00:34:29.000 How are only 25 people dead?

00:34:31.000 And by the way, if you look at the density, the population density, they all live on the outskirts.

00:34:35.000 No one lives in the middle because it's all desert.

00:34:37.000 But that's where they live.

00:34:39.000 Like, I think that's Sydney that you see the reddest.

00:34:42.000 So it's not like it's just rural, as I thought, or as it started, but now it's everywhere.

00:34:48.000 That's crazy.

00:34:49.000 How is it only 25 deaths?

00:34:51.000 I don't know.

00:34:52.000 Did they all just get the fuck out of Dodge?

00:34:54.000 It looks like a entire continent on a boat right now.

00:35:00.000 That's bananas.

00:35:01.000 What I'm looking at.

00:35:02.000 Tree.

00:35:03.000 So it was arson.

00:35:04.000 And the other problem is the same problem with California is these trees that dry out.

00:35:09.000 I forget what they're called, but California bought them from Australia 100 years ago and they just turned to tinder sticks after 100 years.

00:35:16.000 And obviously Australia has a lot of them.

00:35:18.000 So this same tree is behind both fires.

00:35:21.000 But what started the fire is fucking arsonists.

00:35:26.000 It's very common.

00:35:27.000 They call them firebugs, these people who start fires.

00:35:32.000 But go get to the stats with Paul Joseph Watson.

00:35:36.000 And all because of climate change, right?

00:35:39.000 Make no mistake.

00:35:40.000 The tragedy unfolding in Australia is climate change-based.

00:35:44.000 For weeks, we've been bombarded with this relentless, sustained narrative that man-made global warming caused and exacerbated this disaster.

00:35:44.000 Wrong.

00:35:53.000 This is the kind of emergency that scientists say is made much more likely and more damaging than climate change.

00:35:58.000 He's not a national treasure.

00:36:00.000 He's a Western treasure.

00:36:01.000 Yeah.

00:36:02.000 He's the voice of Razon.

00:36:04.000 Climate change.

00:36:07.000 And it's all total bullshit.

00:36:09.000 Guess what the primary cause of these fires was?

00:36:12.000 People deliberately starting the fires.

00:36:15.000 Australian authorities are now working on the premise that, quote, arson is to blame for much of the devastation caused this bushfire season.

00:36:23.000 People might be responsible for lighting deliberately lit fires like this one.

00:36:27.000 Were the fires intentionally started?

00:36:30.000 Police have formed strike force in Dara, comprising detectives from homicide and arson squads.

00:36:36.000 Last time I checked, people deliberately starting fires had nothing whatsoever to do with CO2-driven planetary climate change.

00:36:43.000 Figures obtained by news agency AAP show that nearly 200 people across the country have already been arrested or investigated by police for deliberately starting the fight.

00:36:57.000 It just should go without saying that you should always watch everything Paul Joseph Watson does.

00:37:00.000 I'd love to get him on Compound Meet.

00:37:02.000 I mean, whoops, on Sensor.tv, but he doesn't need me.

00:37:07.000 People always, I think Sam Hyde's coming on board.

00:37:10.000 Sam Hyde doesn't need me.

00:37:13.000 Like, I can't get him.

00:37:14.000 Now, if Paul Joseph Watson gets kicked off YouTube, I might have an angle.

00:37:19.000 That's how I got so.

00:37:20.000 But Sam Hyde, PJW, that's like telling me to sign the Rolling Stones.

00:37:20.000 Yeah.

00:37:25.000 Okay.

00:37:26.000 Well, the thing with Sam, he doesn't really have a platform besides Gum Road, but it's only a matter of time.

00:37:26.000 Done.

00:37:33.000 But for what?

00:37:35.000 That's not a safe place.

00:37:36.000 They're based in San Francisco.

00:37:40.000 It's only a matter of time before they realize who Sam is.

00:37:43.000 Yeah, okay, well, maybe I'll approach him then.

00:37:44.000 I want to go up and do a bunch of shows with him, but four hours, like that Trump rally we're going to, that's four hours away.

00:37:53.000 But we know a dude who fixes up classic European cars in Baltimore, so we could go shoot, we could have like car week.

00:38:05.000 That'd be cool.

00:38:06.000 Maybe he can meet us there.

00:38:07.000 Tell him to get his ticket.

00:38:09.000 No, what?

00:38:10.000 Yeah, bring a cool car up there, and then we ride down with him.

00:38:15.000 Dude, we would obviously have to shoot it in his garage.

00:38:18.000 If we're going to do a week, we're going to do a week with one car and the tools that he puts in his trunk.

00:38:23.000 No, no, we'd go back with him, meet up at the rally, and then make it a whole thing.

00:38:27.000 Why would we bring him to the rally?

00:38:30.000 He would meet us there with his cool ass car, and then we'd ride down on the highway together.

00:38:36.000 Ride down on the highway together?

00:38:38.000 Yeah, we could.

00:38:39.000 I'm worried about you.

00:38:40.000 When you're done with this job, or if this thing goes under, are you going to be able to wipe your own ass and feed yourself?

00:38:46.000 Maybe.

00:38:47.000 Am I going to find you just wandering the streets with one rubber boot on in your pajamas trying to eat a live fish?

00:38:53.000 Yes.

00:38:54.000 I'll be doing the mail.

00:38:56.000 I'll be slapping in his hand.

00:38:57.000 Hi, I'm hungry.

00:39:00.000 Gavin, I'm hungry.

00:39:02.000 I'll be the one.

00:39:02.000 Where's your other boot?

00:39:04.000 Ah, My foot is cold.

00:39:08.000 I'll be Larry from Mailbag.

00:39:16.000 That's embarrassing.

00:39:16.000 I just sparted on air.

00:39:17.000 I hope it didn't work.

00:39:18.000 You put the mic on your ass.

00:39:20.000 No, I didn't.

00:39:22.000 But you're acting like you're surprised.

00:39:23.000 No, you literally took the microphone and put your butt on it.

00:39:27.000 Here's another important thing about the Australian fires.

00:39:30.000 Australia's been prepared for this.

00:39:31.000 They've been around for a while.

00:39:33.000 And what you do to prevent major fires is you burn the undergrowth.

00:39:38.000 So you burn spaces.

00:39:40.000 So when the fire gets to the space, it can't jump across, right?

00:39:44.000 Probably about as wide as this studio.

00:39:46.000 Just and dumb assholes who live in the city and read the New York Times don't like that.

00:39:53.000 You know why?

00:39:54.000 Because it's burning.

00:39:56.000 It's the carbon footprint is increasing.

00:39:59.000 Yeah, sort of, I guess, that day, but it's preventing the entire continent burning to the ground.

00:40:05.000 So these fuckers outlawed brush fires.

00:40:09.000 And that's why the fire spread so fast.

00:40:12.000 It was green bullshit like what Russell Crowe is talking about and Jennifer Anison is talking about that started this entire thing.

00:40:20.000 That's why Australia is on fire.

00:40:24.000 Isn't that unbelievable?

00:40:26.000 And we've had this problem too.

00:40:28.000 There was those two ranchers.

00:40:29.000 Remember the Oregon thing?

00:40:31.000 This is a 2-0?

00:40:34.000 Steve, what the fuck was his name?

00:40:37.000 What was his name?

00:40:40.000 Stephen Dwight Hammond.

00:40:41.000 The Hammonds.

00:40:42.000 Remember this?

00:40:43.000 The Bundies got involved in it?

00:40:45.000 And they threw a father and son in prison for five years because they were backburning on their land and some of it touched federal land and it burnt down like a square mile of federal land, which sounds like a lot, but over in rural Oregon, that's absolutely nothing.

00:41:01.000 That's totally normal.

00:41:02.000 And when the American government decides it's okay to do fires, they constantly will burn private land.

00:41:08.000 There's no punishment for them.

00:41:10.000 So these guys were sentenced to five years in prison.

00:41:12.000 They had a standoff, if you recall.

00:41:14.000 A man was shot by the FBI.

00:41:17.000 They claim he was going for his gun.

00:41:18.000 Huge controversy about that.

00:41:20.000 Totally forgotten, by the way.

00:41:22.000 Kind of disgusting.

00:41:23.000 Until Donald Trump shows up after a line of Adderall and pardons them.

00:41:29.000 That's 2-1.

00:41:32.000 Trump pardons Oregon Ranchers whose case inspired wildlife refuge takeover.

00:41:37.000 I don't want to read that article because if they shit on those poor bastards, I'll just have to fucking have a heart attack of rage.

00:41:46.000 My walls can't handle hearing those guys criticized.

00:41:48.000 They did plenty of time.

00:41:49.000 I don't know how long.

00:41:51.000 I think they did a couple years.

00:41:54.000 How many men are in prison who don't belong there?

00:41:59.000 All right, at least two.

00:42:01.000 How are we doing for time here?

00:42:03.000 I wanted to talk about the state of sex.

00:42:06.000 It's about to get pretty steamy in here.

00:42:09.000 I saw this article.

00:42:10.000 A friend of mine sent me this.

00:42:12.000 This is 2-2.

00:42:15.000 How to give a rusty trombone.

00:42:18.000 Come on.

00:42:19.000 How to give your partner a rusty trombone.

00:42:21.000 Now, a rusty trombone is like a Cleveland steamer or it's one of those joke things that doesn't actually happen.

00:42:28.000 It's sort of like the blow-up doll you have at bachelor parties with the mouth.

00:42:33.000 No one actually makes love to that.

00:42:35.000 You throw it around at a party and laugh your head off.

00:42:38.000 In fact, you're kind of laughing at the concept of anyone taking that seriously.

00:42:42.000 Like, no one fucks that.

00:42:46.000 And a rusty trombone is just a dumb thing that adolescents say, where the lady performs anilingus while masturbating you at the same time.

00:42:55.000 I mean, I'm sure they do it in porn.

00:42:57.000 I'm sure gays do it, but there's nothing gays don't do.

00:43:01.000 Gays eat the poo-poo.

00:43:03.000 They take a rusty trombone.

00:43:06.000 The woman has her face in the poo-poo and she reach around and she simulate the vajvaj with her hand.

00:43:17.000 Oh, there we go.

00:43:19.000 So anyway, this is written.

00:43:20.000 Who wrote this?

00:43:22.000 Haley McMillan.

00:43:24.000 Look at her.

00:43:24.000 Haley McMillan.

00:43:25.000 I wonder how much research she did.

00:43:27.000 I promise you she's never given a rusty trombone.

00:43:30.000 What a woman have given a rusty trombone.

00:43:33.000 It's just.

00:43:34.000 Probably like 17.

00:43:36.000 It seems silly.

00:43:37.000 Let me see her.

00:43:41.000 Oh, she's definitely got that nose ring.

00:43:42.000 She's got that.

00:43:44.000 They have that sassy short hair, and then they have a nose ring.

00:43:44.000 They always look the same.

00:43:48.000 There's butt cubes in that nose ring.

00:43:50.000 They never like their nose.

00:43:51.000 So the nose ring distracts from whatever they don't like about their nose.

00:43:54.000 It's too big.

00:43:55.000 It's too small.

00:43:56.000 It's too nostrilly.

00:43:58.000 Of course, it doesn't distract.

00:43:59.000 It just makes you see it more.

00:44:01.000 Anyway, this woman, this child, is telling you how to eat out your boyfriend's ass.

00:44:10.000 This is cosmopolitan.

00:44:11.000 This is a beauty magazine.

00:44:13.000 You should see what they have in Teen Vogue.

00:44:15.000 Oh, Teen Vogue's run by Antifa.

00:44:17.000 Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:44:18.000 It was you and me were watching with that.

00:44:20.000 Talk with your partner about it, if slash how the rusty trombone will play out.

00:44:25.000 Thanks for the advice, child.

00:44:27.000 So a 20-year-old is telling grown women, before you perform this strange Ite Pupu, sit and talk to your partner.

00:44:35.000 Thank you for the tip.

00:44:36.000 Let's go to tip number two.

00:44:38.000 By the way, I didn't know that's what RT stood for.

00:44:41.000 I've been getting that wrong on Twitter the whole time.

00:44:44.000 They want to be.

00:44:45.000 I can't believe there's a whole Russian network called Rusty Trombone.

00:44:50.000 Two, have your partner clean up, but they don't need to douche.

00:44:54.000 So you don't have to douche your ass.

00:44:55.000 Oh, thanks.

00:44:57.000 But you should sort of clean the outer ring of the anal lips.

00:45:03.000 Preferably with a bleach wipe.

00:45:05.000 Number three, you might want to take off your lipstick for this one.

00:45:08.000 That's a handy tip, isn't it?

00:45:10.000 No need.

00:45:11.000 Because the last thing you want is to walk into a room with lipstick all over your butthole.

00:45:18.000 Where have you been?

00:45:19.000 Oh my lord.

00:45:21.000 You show up for your colonoscopy and your butthole is just covered in lipstick.

00:45:25.000 Oh, you had a fun night.

00:45:27.000 Thank you.

00:45:28.000 Get a little lipstick on the colon?

00:45:30.000 It's my anniversary with my wife, so it was kind of a big night.

00:45:33.000 We're celebrating the night we met when she gave me an RT.

00:45:37.000 What's the next tip?

00:45:39.000 Number four: play an overture.

00:45:42.000 So, anyway, you should have foreplay.

00:45:46.000 So, don't just walk into the room, yank down his pants, and go foreplay first.

00:45:52.000 And I assume you got some of that done during the talking about it.

00:45:58.000 Number five, imagine her father seeing.

00:46:02.000 What are you doing for a living?

00:46:03.000 I'm a writer, Dad.

00:46:04.000 What do you write for?

00:46:04.000 Oh, okay.

00:46:05.000 A beauty magazine.

00:46:06.000 Oh, okay.

00:46:07.000 So it's like tips on what shoes to wear to what thing.

00:46:10.000 No, it's about licking men's assholes.

00:46:12.000 I do mention what shoes to wear while you lick the asshole, though.

00:46:16.000 What kind of things do you say about that?

00:46:17.000 I say take your lipstick off.

00:46:18.000 I'm a writer.

00:46:20.000 Holy shit.

00:46:22.000 Dang.

00:46:23.000 That's true.

00:46:24.000 Is that it?

00:46:25.000 I wrote an article actually.

00:46:26.000 You use lube on both sides, but definitely use it for at least the hand jump.

00:46:29.000 That's not even good advice.

00:46:30.000 If you have a foreskin, you don't need lube.

00:46:32.000 Now she's just being nosy.

00:46:34.000 Yeah.

00:46:37.000 Yeah.

00:46:38.000 In that sense, she's condoning genital mutilation.

00:46:42.000 Six, steer clear of bacteria and whatever the fuck stis is.

00:46:48.000 So apparently you can get a disease.

00:46:50.000 Did I ever tell you about the time that I got Hep C shots by pretending to be gay?

00:46:57.000 Yeah.

00:46:59.000 Or you got a better seat on an airplane because you pretended to be pretending to retard it.

00:47:03.000 I'm not proud of that, but I am proud of the Hep C thing where I called and I said, hey, I hear there's a way to make sure, because I knew a lot of junkies when I was young, and they all seemed to be getting Hep C and dying.

00:47:13.000 And then I heard there's a way you can cure.

00:47:15.000 And I thought, well, why not?

00:47:16.000 It's like two shots in a week, and then you wait six months and get the third one or something.

00:47:20.000 So I called them up and I said, hey, I want that shot.

00:47:22.000 And they go, how old are you?

00:47:23.000 And I said, 25.

00:47:24.000 I was.

00:47:25.000 And they go, sorry, too old.

00:47:26.000 Bye.

00:47:29.000 So then I called back.

00:47:30.000 I'm like, hi, I'm calling about your like HP C thing or whatever.

00:47:35.000 And they're like, get the fuck in here now.

00:47:38.000 So then I ship it to the clinic and I'm like, hey, I'm here for like whatever.

00:47:42.000 And they go out front of the line.

00:47:44.000 Like there's a huge waiting room of people and they throw me in there.

00:47:48.000 I waited zero seconds for all three of my shots.

00:47:52.000 Get the paper.

00:47:53.000 And then at the end, when I got the last one, I had to sit in a room and watch a VHS tape about anilingus and how dangerous it can be.

00:48:02.000 And you can get shit on your lips.

00:48:04.000 Wow.

00:48:05.000 Shit lips is one of my favorite insults ever since that.

00:48:09.000 And I just felt like getting up going, actually, I need to tell you something.

00:48:12.000 I'm not gay.

00:48:14.000 Too late.

00:48:16.000 Thanks for the shots.

00:48:17.000 Yeah, thanks for the shots.

00:48:19.000 Fuck you.

00:48:21.000 Hetrophobes.

00:48:23.000 Me and my buddy Sharky used to do that.

00:48:24.000 We used to go up to girls and pretend to be wasted and be like, hey, you super hot.

00:48:33.000 You should take a bath together.

00:48:37.000 Soapy, soapy.

00:48:39.000 And they weren't threatened, obviously, and they go, oh, really?

00:48:42.000 Yeah, we should have a bath.

00:48:43.000 Yeah, pretty vinyl.

00:48:47.000 And then we'd go, oh, yes, we're not wasted.

00:48:54.000 Hey, how you doing?

00:48:55.000 Can I get you guys a drink?

00:48:56.000 After doing it for a long time.

00:48:58.000 And this was one of the weirdest times.

00:48:59.000 We did that a hundred times.

00:49:01.000 But one time, this woman goes, bullshit.

00:49:04.000 Like, what?

00:49:04.000 I'm telling you, I'm not wasted.

00:49:05.000 Hello.

00:49:06.000 The rain in Spain falls mainly down the plain.

00:49:08.000 Let's do the alphabet backwards.

00:49:09.000 Z, Y, X, W, V. And she's like, I don't believe you.

00:49:15.000 Okay, then I have a very high tolerance for alcohol if I can talk like this.

00:49:19.000 Anyway.

00:49:20.000 I think she knew something was going on, but she was just like calling bullshit because she was like, something's going on.

00:49:25.000 So I don't buy whatever you're saying now.

00:49:28.000 But you're the truth part.

00:49:30.000 And I'm bored of talking to you.

00:49:31.000 No, I'm talking to you, Ryan.

00:49:32.000 Oh, fuck.

00:49:34.000 You know what's funny about him?

00:49:36.000 His name was Sharky.

00:49:37.000 And in South Brooklyn, only like wise guys have nicknames.

00:49:42.000 Shocky.

00:49:43.000 And a lot of loan sharks are called Sharky.

00:49:46.000 And if you're a loan shark, then you have an enforcer and you have some real clout in a very dangerous part of town that has a lot of cops in it.

00:49:53.000 So you're a pretty big deal.

00:49:55.000 So he was getting all this like, hey, Shocky, how you doing?

00:49:58.000 You want to sit down?

00:49:58.000 He was getting this reference.

00:50:00.000 Meanwhile, he's a total pussy who's been in like two fights in his life.

00:50:03.000 It's a really clutch nickname.

00:50:06.000 Oh, by the way, it's STIs, not STIS.

00:50:09.000 STIs.

00:50:10.000 Yeah, sexually transmitted infections.

00:50:13.000 Yeah, good tip.

00:50:14.000 Thank you for that.

00:50:15.000 So if you see, if when you're going down on your boyfriend and you look through the hairs of his anilipse and you see pustulent sores or anything weeping with pus, don't eat that.

00:50:26.000 I'm a writer.

00:50:27.000 Don't eat moldy food either.

00:50:29.000 I inform the public.

00:50:32.000 What's the next one?

00:50:32.000 Have your partner stand or lie on...

00:50:40.000 She's talking like she's given 100 rusty trombones.

00:50:43.000 I bet she's given zero.

00:50:45.000 This is, why did you choose writing?

00:50:46.000 Thank God you didn't get married and become a slave in the kitchen, cooking and cleaning and dealing with dirty diapers.

00:50:55.000 Shit is gross.

00:50:57.000 You instead should write about licking strangers' assholes.

00:51:03.000 Thank you, feminism.

00:51:05.000 This is amazing because it's just like people can't figure out how to put a mouth next to an asshole.

00:51:11.000 Yeah, you could bend over.

00:51:13.000 Who's reading this seriously going, hmm?

00:51:15.000 I guess Tyra.

00:51:17.000 Tyra's reading it?

00:51:18.000 Use flat-wide tongue strokes.

00:51:22.000 I don't know.

00:51:22.000 I bet if you asked her about this article in six months, she'd have no recollection of it.

00:51:27.000 I'd be like, um.

00:51:28.000 Here, look, read it, read it.

00:51:29.000 Flat, wide.

00:51:30.000 Oh, fuck.

00:51:31.000 Yeah, I kind of remember this.

00:51:33.000 I was hungover.

00:51:34.000 I wrote it in an hour.

00:51:35.000 Yeah.

00:51:35.000 She's like, by the way, I learned pointy also works, and also everything else I didn't say could work.

00:51:41.000 Hi, I read your article about long, wide tongue strokes.

00:51:44.000 What about if I do little like cat legs?

00:51:47.000 It's not in the rules.

00:51:48.000 Don't do that.

00:51:51.000 Okay.

00:51:51.000 So just long, wide tongue strokes?

00:51:54.000 Yeah.

00:51:54.000 That's all you do for rusty.

00:51:55.000 That's how you do a good rusty trombone.

00:51:57.000 I'm the professional.

00:51:59.000 Okay, what's next?

00:52:00.000 They keep going.

00:52:01.000 Improve your HJ hand job game by trying twisting motions, the infinite hole technique.

00:52:09.000 Okay, thank you for that.

00:52:10.000 And Fresnellum stimulation.

00:52:13.000 The Fresnellum is that little tag that holds your head together.

00:52:13.000 What?

00:52:21.000 You know what I mean?

00:52:22.000 Like, take your t-shirt right now.

00:52:24.000 Take your t-shirt right now and then take the front of it.

00:52:28.000 Just pinch the front and put that in your mouth and bite it.

00:52:32.000 Can you show yourself?

00:52:32.000 Okay?

00:52:33.000 Yeah.

00:52:36.000 All right, so if that was a penis, right?

00:52:39.000 That's the head of the penis.

00:52:41.000 And then that part, the t-shirt that's in your mouth, that's the fresnellum.

00:52:44.000 What do you stimulate that?

00:52:45.000 What does she mean?

00:52:46.000 Like, go like that?

00:52:48.000 Read it a story?

00:52:49.000 What the fuck are you talking about, you stupid bitch?

00:52:51.000 Jesus.

00:52:52.000 Like, these magazines are full of such utter crap.

00:52:56.000 Apparently.

00:52:56.000 The fact that women are liberated into the workforce, and this is what they do with their time.

00:53:01.000 I guess their frenulum is similar to...

00:53:04.000 Yeah, that's it.

00:53:05.000 With mouths, too.

00:53:05.000 Yeah.

00:53:06.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:53:06.000 It's just any of that tight, kind of like strap.

00:53:12.000 What else do we got here?

00:53:13.000 Ask your partner to return the favor.

00:53:15.000 Wait a minute.

00:53:16.000 How do you do a rusty trombone on a woman?

00:53:18.000 It's a rusty trumpet.

00:53:19.000 Ha ha.

00:53:20.000 You thumb her?

00:53:24.000 Thanks for the tips.

00:53:27.000 Anyway, speaking of women, women can't write.

00:53:29.000 I just want to say that right now.

00:53:31.000 I know that sounds sexist.

00:53:32.000 That's because it is.

00:53:35.000 This is other women.

00:53:36.000 They do me search.

00:53:38.000 That's how they come to these conclusions.

00:53:39.000 They just sit on their ass and write about their ass.

00:53:42.000 And they have no idea what they're talking about.

00:53:44.000 They haven't done any practicing.

00:53:46.000 They haven't talked to anyone.

00:53:47.000 There's no science behind it.

00:53:48.000 They love science when it comes to other people doing their homework.

00:53:52.000 But when it comes to them actually calling anyone, I got to get this out.

00:53:58.000 And my deadline's in two hours.

00:54:01.000 I got to get moving.

00:54:03.000 So this woman just writes, heterosexuality is doomed.

00:54:07.000 That's 2-3.

00:54:08.000 This is BuzzFeed, a cat blog.

00:54:12.000 Apparently, it was a tough year for heterosexuality.

00:54:14.000 In 2019, mainstream American culture has wrestled with white middle-class straightness and the question of whether it might be an ultimately doomed project.

00:54:24.000 Have you read a more idiotic subhead in your fucking life?

00:54:30.000 You want to hear something more idiotic?

00:54:32.000 Go to 2-4.

00:54:34.000 Not only is heterosexuality doomed, it's a fad.

00:54:40.000 She has a theory that she would have discovered she was a lesbian sooner if people didn't convince her.

00:54:50.000 What is it?

00:54:51.000 More than a year and a decade.

00:54:53.000 No, here, go down.

00:54:57.000 Yeah.

00:54:58.000 If so many straight girls in my life hadn't led me to believe that straight sex relationships are supposed to kind of suck, I probably would have figured out I'm gay a lot sooner.

00:55:08.000 You're gay in every sense of the word.

00:55:10.000 So anyway, this article is out to prove that heterosexuality is a fad that has come to a conclusion because look, people are sad in a cake.

00:55:23.000 Now here's her proof.

00:55:25.000 There is a movie called Marriage Story that shows a divorce.

00:55:28.000 Noah Baumbach, by the way, was brutally traumatized by his own parents' divorce.

00:55:34.000 And Noah and the Whale, Marriage Story, his movies always have divorce as a central element because he has PTSD.

00:55:43.000 So that's an argument for marriage and how important it is.

00:55:48.000 But anyway, what does she say?

00:55:51.000 Oh, she talks about some dumb fucking academic feminist lesbian named Indiana Saracen who was writing for the new inquiry in October about heteropessimism, which she defines, this is her doing her research,

00:56:08.000 which she defines as performative disaffiliations, they want to sound smart, so bad, with heterosexuality usually expressed in the form of regret, embarrassment, or hopelessness about straight experience.

00:56:22.000 Heteropessimism generally has a heavy focus on men as the root of the problem.

00:56:26.000 Sound familiar?

00:56:27.000 And its performances are rarely accompanied by the actual abandonment of heterosexuality.

00:56:33.000 While some people do act, choosing celibacy or the now largely outmoded option of political feminism, most of them just lament the prison of straightness without attempting to either break free from it or transfer from it.

00:56:46.000 Let me just tell you what's going on, lady.

00:56:49.000 You are ruining not heterosexuality, but sex in general because you're a grumpy feminist bitch and grumpy feminists have ruined sex.

00:56:58.000 I was doing an interview the other day and this guy said, what advice would you give young people?

00:57:03.000 And I talked about how Ben Shapiro's advice for people who aren't liberal and are in college, his advice was pretend you're liberal, get A's, and then use that degree to make money as a fuck you to your professors.

00:57:14.000 Ha ha, I tricked you.

00:57:15.000 I said, that's stupid advice.

00:57:17.000 That's dumb.

00:57:18.000 Go get an F. Be yourself.

00:57:20.000 Be honest.

00:57:21.000 Write a good essay.

00:57:22.000 And if it's MAGA and you get a D, then you died with your boots on like a man.

00:57:28.000 Get fired.

00:57:29.000 Get in trouble.

00:57:34.000 But that doesn't apply to sex because sex has been ruined by feminists and your career, you'll be ruined.

00:57:43.000 You'll be Kale Hartman living in a cabin in the woods.

00:57:47.000 Don't get fired and get in trouble when it comes to sex.

00:57:50.000 That's an exception to the rule.

00:57:51.000 Because if you just have the same kind of sex I had when I was single with the smashing and the tying up and the ball gags, she could ruin you.

00:58:00.000 And it's feminists like this that have destroyed sex.

00:58:04.000 So she's saying heterosexuality is just a dumb concept and it can't last.

00:58:08.000 But the truth is it's women like her that have wrecked sex itself.

00:58:13.000 White middle class.

00:58:18.000 The other proof that heterosexuality is dead is the Me Too movement, which kicked off in late 2017 and forced a nationwide reckoning with gendered power imbalances and abuse in the workplace.

00:58:28.000 No, it's feminists ruining the workplace too.

00:58:32.000 But there's yet to be, again, starting a sentence with butt.

00:58:35.000 Remember yesterday they were doing that?

00:58:37.000 But there is yet to be another comparably serious reckoning.

00:58:40.000 Nearly 50 years after Betty Friedam published The Feminine Mystique, which gendered power imbalances in straight couples, personal law.

00:58:48.000 They take these dumb classes, these gender classes in college.

00:58:52.000 Then they graduate and they think they're educated.

00:58:54.000 No, you speak Klingon.

00:58:57.000 You're basically a Trekkie that learned Klingon.

00:59:00.000 Your language doesn't apply to anyone outside of the Star Trek universe.

00:59:04.000 Gendered power imbalances don't exist.

00:59:08.000 That concept, I bet you gendered isn't even a word.

00:59:13.000 I bet you it comes up as a spelling mistake if you type in gendered.

00:59:18.000 I mean, it's going to come up on the internet.

00:59:22.000 Anyway, so it made me think, so she's a lesbian now, which is real.

00:59:28.000 That's not endangered.

00:59:29.000 That's not stupid.

00:59:31.000 That's not a mess.

00:59:32.000 That's a real marriage.

00:59:34.000 Do you know the stats on lesbian divorce?

00:59:37.000 It's absolutely fucking brutal.

00:59:40.000 I will concede that divorce in straits is bad, especially in America, because we've got this fucked up, self-indulgent asshole, baby boomers, who invented it.

00:59:49.000 When I was a kid in the 70s, no one was divorced.

00:59:52.000 Then around 1980, everyone was getting divorced because baby boomers were horny and they wanted to fuck their friend's wife.

00:59:58.000 And they did.

00:59:59.000 That's how much boomers suck.

01:00:01.000 And it was liberals.

01:00:02.000 It was liberal boomers who invented divorce.

01:00:04.000 Then, my generation, generation X, didn't get married because they had PTSD from their parents' divorce.

01:00:10.000 So it's actually quite hard to look up divorce stats because people tend to get remarried.

01:00:15.000 So you have to find out, well, were you ever divorced?

01:00:17.000 Do I count that?

01:00:19.000 But if there's one thing the stats show you, it's that lesbians are terrible at marriage.

01:00:23.000 What's 2-4?

01:00:25.000 And they're worse than gays at marriage.

01:00:29.000 Gays get divorced in droves.

01:00:31.000 Oh, is that it?

01:00:32.000 We already talked about that.

01:00:33.000 Gays get divorced in droves, much more than straights, but lesbians get divorced more than gays.

01:00:39.000 And that's because women don't really want what they say they want.

01:00:43.000 And lesbians are an exaggeration of women.

01:00:47.000 So they really don't know what they want.

01:00:49.000 Oh, and let's not even get into domestic abuse in lesbian relationships.

01:00:53.000 You know the whole cliché of the wife beater, like the shirt?

01:00:58.000 That exists in lesbian relationships.

01:01:01.000 The man comes home and does smash her in the face for not having dinner ready because they're playing these roles of this weird, exaggerated version of 1950s Brooklyn.

01:01:14.000 So she does have a pack of smokes rolled up into her t-shirt and she does punch her wife in the face.

01:01:23.000 Yeah, Sarah Gilbert and Linda Perry are a perfect example.

01:01:26.000 They just broke up.

01:01:27.000 They adopted some kid.

01:01:29.000 How fucked up is that?

01:01:30.000 Like a divorce is bad for a kid, but to take a kid into your life, to adopt him and then get divorced?

01:01:37.000 Like, why'd you bring me here?

01:01:39.000 It's like taking a dog out of the pound and then being homeless.

01:01:42.000 Yeah, that's a good analogy, Gav.

01:01:44.000 It's like a homeless man taking a dog out of the pound.

01:01:46.000 The dog's like, what the fuck?

01:01:49.000 I'm still wet.

01:01:50.000 I was just here.

01:01:51.000 I was rescued from here.

01:01:54.000 And it didn't learn how to be a normal, functioning person.

01:01:59.000 2-6.

01:02:00.000 Can we see them?

01:02:01.000 You know what I noticed, by the way?

01:02:05.000 Sarah Gilbert is one of the ugliest women I've ever seen.

01:02:10.000 She's really aging.

01:02:12.000 Like, that's a great picture of her.

01:02:14.000 And Linda Perry, she wrote all those hits.

01:02:17.000 She wrote, hey, hey, hey, hey.

01:02:20.000 What's going on?

01:02:21.000 She's a four-non-blonde chick, but she also wrote almost all of Cristina Aguilera's hits.

01:02:25.000 And she writes all those big top 10 pop songs.

01:02:28.000 That's right.

01:02:28.000 Yeah.

01:02:29.000 And she's fucking loaded because of it.

01:02:30.000 But if you Google them, look up, what's her name?

01:02:33.000 Sarah Gilbert?

01:02:34.000 Google image Sarah Gilbert.

01:02:36.000 She might be the ugliest woman that's on television.

01:02:42.000 She couldn't have aged worse.

01:02:44.000 There she is on the view with all her makeup on.

01:02:46.000 Look at that face.

01:02:49.000 She looks like she's 100.

01:02:51.000 Do you smoke cigarettes backwards?

01:02:54.000 Look at her.

01:02:56.000 Look at that witch face.

01:02:58.000 Ellen was looking really bad.

01:03:01.000 Ellen Degeneres, making a little speech.

01:03:03.000 Ellen Degenerate?

01:03:04.000 Yeah, she looks like a witch, like an actual cartoon witch.

01:03:08.000 So go to 2-7.

01:03:09.000 That's the thing I was saying about.

01:03:14.000 This is why we need the patriarchy.

01:03:16.000 Because women and gays, they don't really know what they want.

01:03:20.000 These middle-class men that you hate so much, we're actually pretty good at running the show.

01:03:26.000 And when we hand over the reins to you, when we give you the steering wheel, you tend to crash.

01:03:30.000 Lesbian couples likely to break up than male couples.

01:03:35.000 Like this trans dude.

01:03:36.000 Remember this was the first guy ever to say, I'm trans, gender doesn't exist.

01:03:42.000 And we said, you know what?

01:03:42.000 Here's the steering wheel.

01:03:44.000 You take it.

01:03:45.000 And you know what he said?

01:03:46.000 He goes, yeah, I don't know what the fuck I was talking about.

01:03:50.000 Why'd you let me do that?

01:03:52.000 He said, the lies behind my fictitious sex changes, something I shamefully participated in, first to female and then to non-binary, have been forever exposed.

01:04:03.000 A truthful accounting of events has replaced the deceit that allowed me to become America's first legally non-binary person.

01:04:14.000 I was full of shit, in other words.

01:04:17.000 And if you really want to see what lesbian marriage is.

01:04:21.000 So this woman says heterosexuality is doomed and she has a whole bunch of academic claptrap to back it up.

01:04:26.000 Here's my academic claptrap to back up the myth of lesbian marriage.

01:04:34.000 Yeah, 2-5.

01:04:35.000 This whole episode, these Canadian dykes who are basically retarded getting married.

01:04:40.000 Look at her.

01:04:41.000 Our wedding is actually a month away.

01:04:42.000 And we even put the food in that budget.

01:04:43.000 Our parents don't think we're mature enough for the real world, let alone marriage.

01:04:47.000 So do you guys really seriously think that you can handle this?

01:04:50.000 I'd appreciate it on my face.

01:04:51.000 I don't think you're mature enough.

01:04:53.000 Suck it up, buttercup.

01:04:54.000 And our friends think we're making the wrong decision.

01:04:56.000 I can't stay at school.

01:04:57.000 Stay at home.

01:05:00.000 Of course, the ugly one has a hot sibling.

01:05:04.000 You must be a real curse, eh?

01:05:05.000 we don't care.

01:05:08.000 My poor brother must have to look at my gorgeous face and think, Jesus, I'll never be that hot.

01:05:17.000 Are your step siblings hot?

01:05:19.000 Uh, yeah, they're smoke shows.

01:05:24.000 Thunder Bay, Ontario, eh?

01:05:26.000 So just, this whole episode is just ridiculous, but go right to the wedding.

01:05:30.000 I think it was love at first.

01:05:31.000 Look at her.

01:05:33.000 She's uglier than Sarah Gilbert.

01:05:34.000 Right.

01:05:36.000 Because we're only allowed to serve.

01:05:37.000 Oh, here we go.

01:05:38.000 It's like giving toddlers car keys.

01:05:41.000 I'm going to get ready.

01:05:42.000 That's what lesbian marriages are.

01:05:44.000 I'm going to have my wedding.

01:05:47.000 She wants you to get some teeth before you get married.

01:05:53.000 Yeah, that's a nice way to put it.

01:05:55.000 That's beautiful.

01:05:58.000 Okay, go forward to the actual wedding.

01:06:01.000 Oh, look at her sister's makeup.

01:06:05.000 There we go.

01:06:06.000 Is that Jack Black of school?

01:06:08.000 Legality is a joke.

01:06:09.000 We need to focus on lesbian marriage.

01:06:12.000 That's not a joke.

01:06:14.000 This is a real wedding.

01:06:16.000 This is really two people in love.

01:06:20.000 That's real Ivy on that fake lattice.

01:06:23.000 Look at that poor father.

01:06:25.000 He's just exhausted.

01:06:27.000 He looks like he's 100.

01:06:29.000 Is she a midget?

01:06:31.000 She's standing on a box.

01:06:32.000 The next relationship changes.

01:06:33.000 And all of us knows it will grow and indeed become stronger.

01:06:37.000 Canadians.

01:06:39.000 What are you crying about?

01:06:40.000 This isn't real.

01:06:42.000 I 100% guarantee you this marriage will not last a year.

01:06:47.000 I'll bet the farm.

01:06:48.000 Those Christmas lights will last longer.

01:06:55.000 Glorious.

01:06:56.000 You're glorious.

01:06:57.000 America.

01:06:58.000 Do the dreams I've got inside.

01:07:03.000 Glass, glass.

01:07:06.000 Wow.

01:07:09.000 Beautiful.

01:07:10.000 What a real marriage.

01:07:11.000 Do you have any more, any ring?

01:07:12.000 Any room for more rings?

01:07:13.000 People that will be together till the day they die.

01:07:16.000 Till death do us part.

01:07:18.000 Why is she compelled to keep bowing?

01:07:20.000 What the hell?

01:07:21.000 What is that?

01:07:25.000 Yes.

01:07:26.000 Oh, something's wrong with that.

01:07:28.000 What is that?

01:07:30.000 The sunshine's so crazy.

01:07:31.000 Well, that's what people do when they wear suits, right?

01:07:32.000 They bow.

01:07:33.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:07:34.000 I'm a gentleman.

01:07:35.000 Yeah.

01:07:36.000 I'm always at the end of a performance.

01:07:38.000 Yeah, she should be curtsying.

01:07:40.000 Look at her poor exhausted mother.

01:07:42.000 She's almost bald from all this bullshit.

01:07:45.000 I like the woman who insisted she was blurred.

01:07:48.000 I don't want to be in this.

01:07:48.000 I'm not signing her release.

01:07:50.000 Yeah.

01:07:51.000 Look at the kid on the right.

01:07:52.000 He's the only one blurred.

01:07:53.000 The kid on the right just...

01:07:55.000 This is so fucking gay.

01:07:57.000 The no socks.

01:07:58.000 Just wearing socks with the teal socks.

01:08:01.000 No shoes.

01:08:03.000 To the left.

01:08:04.000 Oh, just a real casual.

01:08:06.000 Just pants with a fuck.

01:08:09.000 Socks.

01:08:10.000 With a dress with a pattern of shoes.

01:08:12.000 She's probably wearing high-heeled shoes, and they hurt her, but she knew they would, and she packed like hospital socks.

01:08:18.000 Look at her wedding.

01:08:19.000 Oh, my God.

01:08:20.000 My dad, at my wedding, lost his shoes.

01:08:22.000 At my bachelor party, he lost his shoes.

01:08:24.000 I don't know how the fuck that happened.

01:08:26.000 So he was wearing sandals with socks at my wedding.

01:08:29.000 What a dick.

01:08:30.000 They did a great job.

01:08:31.000 I felt really, really honored to stand up for Sam today.

01:08:34.000 This was completely worth.

01:08:36.000 You have white out on your eyelids.

01:08:39.000 Boy, when Canadians go trashy, they really pull out all the stuff.

01:08:42.000 It's great.

01:08:43.000 This is completely worth skipping school.

01:08:45.000 It is now time to party.

01:08:48.000 There we go.

01:08:48.000 This is my favorite part.

01:08:49.000 This is at the real wedding.

01:08:53.000 It's a great way to dance.

01:08:56.000 Who picks the music?

01:08:57.000 Still breathing it all in, I guess.

01:08:59.000 Do I look like a hobbit?

01:09:02.000 Still breathing it all in.

01:09:03.000 I think you look a respectable little gentleman.

01:09:07.000 I think you look like a respectable little gentleman.

01:09:12.000 That deserves a bow.

01:09:13.000 Anyway.

01:09:14.000 This is state.

01:09:16.000 Like, this is what our daughters are reading.

01:09:18.000 This is what the women in our lives are reading.

01:09:22.000 And it's fucking garbage.

01:09:24.000 It's just garbage lies.

01:09:26.000 So much of what the media puts out there to consume is just garbage lies.

01:09:30.000 Sometimes a lot of the shit I say is garbage lies.

01:09:34.000 And I'm of two minds about it.

01:09:36.000 In fact, we should discuss the things that I'm of two minds about.

01:09:40.000 Starting now.

01:09:41.000 We'll be right back.

01:09:49.000 This is things I'm of two minds about.

01:09:52.000 You should know as a person that you're a better person when a woman is around.

01:09:59.000 And by that, I mean when you've had someone make you a sandwich.

01:10:03.000 There's before lunch you and after lunch you.

01:10:06.000 And without a woman making you a sandwich, you're going to be before lunch you.

01:10:10.000 They've done studies where they've discovered that judges actually give out more lenient sentences after lunch.

01:10:17.000 So if you're on trial, you want to make sure the sentencing happens around 3 p.m.

01:10:24.000 Anyway, I haven't had lunch yet.

01:10:26.000 And here are six things that really fucking piss me off.

01:10:29.000 Number one, inviting a retard to a prom.

01:10:33.000 What are you doing?

01:10:34.000 Like, go back to the beginning of this.

01:10:36.000 It's a gif, I guess.

01:10:38.000 This super hot chick made a cake that says, I want to go to prom with you.

01:10:43.000 And this mentally handicapped guy is jumping up and down.

01:10:46.000 He's so happy he gets to be with me.

01:10:47.000 What the fuck are you doing?

01:10:49.000 This is like at a Mets game last year.

01:10:52.000 They had a guy come out and sing the national anthem.

01:10:55.000 And he was mentally handicapped.

01:10:57.000 And he's like, okay, can you?

01:11:00.000 Like, he massacred the song.

01:11:02.000 I'm sorry.

01:11:03.000 You're not good at singing.

01:11:05.000 That's why we call it a handicap.

01:11:07.000 And this guy isn't like, you jump up and down when you go to prom with a hot chick because you might bone her that night.

01:11:14.000 You're going to lose your virginity.

01:11:15.000 This is fake.

01:11:16.000 She's not even going to, she might let him kiss her on the cheek or something.

01:11:19.000 So this is just a fucking lie.

01:11:21.000 It's sort of like when that little kid was dying in Seattle and they made him Batman for the day.

01:11:27.000 You're not Batman, dude.

01:11:32.000 Number two, loud trucks.

01:11:34.000 God damn it.

01:11:36.000 The city is loud.

01:11:37.000 When I do conference calls in New York, I have to put mute on because there's sirens and there's trucks and there's ambulances and it's so fucking loud all the time.

01:11:48.000 And I don't understand why loud trucks exist.

01:11:51.000 Like, we have the technology to make mufflers and make things quiet, and then you go against the technology and reverse it.

01:11:57.000 Why?

01:11:57.000 To wake up babies?

01:11:59.000 To scare old ladies?

01:12:00.000 The fuck are you doing?

01:12:04.000 Number three, fake stone roofing shingles.

01:12:08.000 I can tell that's not real stone.

01:12:10.000 I look at your shingles, and I can see when there's a pattern that it duplicates.

01:12:14.000 So you just devalued your whole house.

01:12:17.000 It looks fucking terrible.

01:12:19.000 It's a bunch of pieces of plastic on your roof.

01:12:21.000 What have you done to your home?

01:12:27.000 Number four, Piss Christ.

01:12:29.000 Boy, does Piss Christ piss me off.

01:12:33.000 We just had, I think it was 2011, we had it in a museum in New York.

01:12:36.000 It's a photograph some guy did in the 80s of Jesus Christ drenched in piss.

01:12:42.000 And can you conceive of someone doing that with a Muslim picture?

01:12:49.000 Fuck.

01:12:50.000 Someone had a show where they dared to draw Muhammad and two terrorists came to kill Pam Geller for it and were shot by security.

01:12:59.000 So we have to live by those standards.

01:13:01.000 But when it comes to mocking Catholicism, you can literally drench our gods in piss.

01:13:09.000 Fuck you.

01:13:11.000 Number five, I yelled at an old lady.

01:13:15.000 What the hell is the matter with me?

01:13:17.000 Can we have some civility here?

01:13:18.000 Can we have some respect for our elders?

01:13:21.000 I'm calling her the C-word, calling her a feckless cow.

01:13:26.000 Why?

01:13:26.000 Because she dared chastise me?

01:13:28.000 Show some reverence.

01:13:30.000 In case you don't remember the story, Ryan and I were making some jokes on the train and they were disgusting and Ryan was talking about cumbing on people and we were pissing everyone off and she dared to say, hey guys, take it down a notch.

01:13:43.000 The fuck is the matter with me?

01:13:45.000 Show some respect for crying out loud.

01:13:49.000 Number six, guys who work for their dad.

01:13:52.000 What's the matter with you?

01:13:53.000 You can't get your own job?

01:13:55.000 That's pathetic.

01:13:56.000 Your dad's in real estate, so now you just, what, collect checks for him from all the property he owns?

01:14:03.000 You can't go your own way?

01:14:04.000 Like, that's what you do when you're handicapped.

01:14:07.000 Your rich dad gets you a job, and you fucking sit on your ass all day and say, daddy, you haven't even moved out.

01:14:14.000 If you work for your dad, you haven't technically moved out of the house.

01:14:18.000 You're still a baby duck sitting there waddling around, following mommy duck.

01:14:25.000 What should I do now, daddy?

01:14:27.000 What should I do now?

01:14:29.000 I'm going to get a sandwich.

01:15:52.000 That cheese was kind of gross.

01:15:54.000 A woman didn't make me that sandwich.

01:15:55.000 Well, actually, an illegal alien woman made me that sandwich, but why don't they use cheddar at that place?

01:16:04.000 I'm not against inviting a retard to prom.

01:16:08.000 What is prom?

01:16:09.000 It's one stupid date for her.

01:16:11.000 And he's going to remember this for the rest of his life.

01:16:14.000 So she just made his life by sacrificing one night.

01:16:18.000 She can still bone her boyfriend.

01:16:19.000 She doesn't even have to hang out with him the whole night.

01:16:21.000 She just has to show up at his house, I guess, do a limousine ride, take some photos, and then go party with her friends.

01:16:27.000 You can't be inconvenienced for two seconds or play a silly game just to appease someone.

01:16:32.000 And look at this guy.

01:16:33.000 He just made his day.

01:16:35.000 What kind of asshole would have a problem with that?

01:16:38.000 Number two, loud trucks.

01:16:42.000 This is America, fuckface.

01:16:44.000 Okay?

01:16:45.000 It's fun to rip down the street in a loud truck.

01:16:49.000 It's fun to have a loud motorbike.

01:16:50.000 It's also safer, by the way, to have a loud motorbike.

01:16:53.000 You're less likely to be hit by cars.

01:16:54.000 But if we can't do shit like this in America, what the fuck are we doing here?

01:16:59.000 What is this country for if you can't be a fun, loud, obnoxious asshole?

01:17:05.000 The fucking pussies are scared that the tires are squealing.

01:17:09.000 Ew, I'm scared.

01:17:11.000 Go move to Norway if you want to be a faggot.

01:17:16.000 Number three, fake stone roofing shingles.

01:17:20.000 Do you know how long you have to stare at these tiles before you realize that they're fake?

01:17:26.000 Like you really have to be looking for it.

01:17:28.000 It takes about a minute to sit there and go, wait a minute, I see that thing repeating.

01:17:33.000 They look exactly like stone tiles.

01:17:36.000 Grow the fuck up.

01:17:37.000 Also, they're about 100 grand cheaper.

01:17:40.000 You can redo your whole roof for maybe 40% of what it would cost with actual stone shingles.

01:17:46.000 So don't use stone shingles.

01:17:48.000 That's stupid.

01:17:51.000 Number four, piss Christ.

01:17:54.000 I am totally and utterly against the censoring of art.

01:18:00.000 That's not what this country is about.

01:18:02.000 We let freedom reign.

01:18:04.000 And, you know, when you're open to your own interpretation, then you can see this as a pro-Catholic thing.

01:18:10.000 The guy who took this photograph, who made this image, is a Catholic.

01:18:13.000 He considers himself a God-fearing Christian.

01:18:17.000 And you could argue that this is how Christ is perceived in the mainstream media.

01:18:24.000 It's sort of like that movie, The Hunt, I think it was called, where these rich people hunted down MAGA rednecks and killed them for sport.

01:18:32.000 And they banned the movie because there was backlash.

01:18:34.000 I thought, I don't want the movie banned.

01:18:36.000 I love all art.

01:18:37.000 And secondly, I think it's kind of pro-MAGA in a sense that it's lampooning the elites for the way they see the average American.

01:18:44.000 So it's kind of a pro-Trump movie in that sense.

01:18:47.000 And you could argue that this is a pro-Christ piece because it's saying, look at how Christ is depicted in the media and look at how people piss all over him and they don't piss on any other religion.

01:18:58.000 So I love Piss Christ.

01:18:59.000 Piss Christ.

01:19:06.000 Number five, that time I yelled at an old lady.

01:19:09.000 Okay, first of all, let's go back to the context.

01:19:12.000 Ryan and I had a funny bit.

01:19:14.000 We were talking about the term pretty boy and how it actually compliments the guy you don't like.

01:19:20.000 And then we were joking about someone who was shitting on someone, but secretly complimenting, like, get out of here with your mile high cheekbones and your beast-stung lips and your runway looks, pretty boy.

01:19:31.000 And we thought it was funny.

01:19:32.000 And now Ryan took it too far and he said, I don't even want to come on you or something like that.

01:19:36.000 And some woman was eavesdropping.

01:19:38.000 So if there's one thing that pisses me off when it comes to censorship is when I'm not even out there publicly, but I'm privately talking to someone.

01:19:46.000 So you want to listen in on my conversation and then tell me how I can joke with my friends?

01:19:52.000 What a fucking bitch.

01:19:53.000 And the reason I called her a cunt and called her a feckless cow and made fun of her and I didn't yell, by the way.

01:19:59.000 I was just like, get the fuck out of that kind of a tone.

01:20:02.000 I wasn't like, da-da-da-da.

01:20:04.000 I was like, dismissive.

01:20:06.000 And you want to play with the big boys?

01:20:08.000 Then you get called bad words.

01:20:10.000 You want to come into my bubble and start telling me how to think, how to act?

01:20:13.000 Sorry, lady.

01:20:16.000 I don't feel bad about that.

01:20:18.000 Number six, guys who work for their dad.

01:20:22.000 Every father's dream is to build a company that his son can work at.

01:20:29.000 There's no better joy for a man besides his daughter marrying a great guy who has tons of money than having his son continue the business.

01:20:38.000 I mean, that's why you breed.

01:20:40.000 You have kids, so they'll have grandkids and propagate the species.

01:20:44.000 The business version of that is you start a company, your son works at that company, and the company continues after you die and continues to employ people ad infinitum.

01:20:53.000 That's your goal with a company.

01:20:55.000 Most rich guys I know, they don't really enjoy their money.

01:20:57.000 Like, they don't have silk sheets and go on yachts and stuff and eat caviar.

01:21:01.000 They drink Budweiser.

01:21:02.000 The reason they're making money is for their kids.

01:21:04.000 And the best way to convey money to your kids or any kind of legacy is for your son to take over your business.

01:21:11.000 So he's not being a bitch.

01:21:13.000 He's propagating the business.

01:21:16.000 I feel pretty good about it.

01:21:30.000 Was that funny?

01:21:32.000 I thought it was poignant.

01:21:34.000 It was a good piece.

01:21:37.000 Insecure.

01:21:38.000 This is insecure week.

01:21:39.000 Yeah, what the heck?

01:21:40.000 I'm of two minds about it.

01:21:41.000 That's a very insecure thing to do, too.

01:21:43.000 Ah.

01:21:43.000 To have two opinions.

01:21:46.000 Maybe you're just smart, doubly smart, because you have to think of a poignant case for each side.

01:21:55.000 All right.

01:21:56.000 We're running out of time here.

01:22:00.000 I think it's time for viewer mail.

01:22:02.000 Ah, the segment of the show where on cue, when you mention it, I go to this bumper right here.

01:22:10.000 Ryan, shut up, you don't have a dad.

01:22:14.000 Let's turn our eyes to Gavin's mail back.

01:22:20.000 Let me touch it.

01:22:22.000 This is just, it just keeps piling up.

01:22:25.000 I can't take a chip out of it.

01:22:27.000 What's that?

01:22:29.000 This is from Jason.

01:22:31.000 The chick from Uncut Gems.

01:22:34.000 Holy shit.

01:22:38.000 Oh, Uncut Gems.

01:22:39.000 Yeah, I did see that.

01:22:41.000 Wow.

01:22:42.000 That is something to write home about.

01:22:45.000 That's a lot of woman.

01:22:47.000 That's the kind of woman where you meet her and you think, I don't want to fuck her because this is the one I want to marry and I still want to party a little bit before.

01:22:59.000 Why aren't you showing it, you tard?

01:23:00.000 Pulling up all the pics.

01:23:01.000 There's only two.

01:23:04.000 Look at that.

01:23:05.000 Like, that's a wife.

01:23:07.000 That's almost like, no thanks.

01:23:10.000 I want to eat junk food for a while before I have a steak that delicious.

01:23:15.000 What would we give her out of 10?

01:23:18.000 Tiny bit too masculine for me, but I'm going to say 8.8.

01:23:24.000 That's pretty good.

01:23:25.000 I'm confident in that picking.

01:23:28.000 Taylor, Adidas Fat Shaming.

01:23:31.000 Holy shit.

01:23:32.000 Go to Adidas.com and you'll see a fat black woman spandex with her fat rolls falling to the floor with the phrase, everything stays put.

01:23:41.000 Oh, gee.

01:23:42.000 What?

01:23:43.000 Is that a blooper?

01:23:45.000 Get me out of the picture.

01:23:48.000 What?

01:23:49.000 How is this good for your brand?

01:23:52.000 Everything stays put.

01:23:54.000 No, not at all.

01:23:56.000 The opposite.

01:23:57.000 They say the opposite of what the truth is.

01:24:00.000 Just like that woman saying heterosexuality is over.

01:24:03.000 Um.

01:24:05.000 That, uh.

01:24:06.000 Huh.

01:24:08.000 Thank you.

01:24:09.000 Also, I've emailed your support guy a half dozen times because it says email is on the website.

01:24:13.000 I mainly use the internet on my phone and just now realize there is a mailbag link.

01:24:18.000 Maybe I'm just a retard, but maybe you should make a mailbag link a little more noticeable.

01:24:22.000 Blah, blah, blah, blah.

01:24:23.000 Boring.

01:24:25.000 This one's from Alan.

01:24:26.000 G-Balls, he calls me.

01:24:28.000 Help me keep my wife Out of the workforce.

01:24:31.000 I have recently started my own business, concrete polishing.

01:24:35.000 That sounds like it's a very lucrative and intelligent pursuit.

01:24:40.000 And was hoping you could give me some advice on becoming an entrepreneur.

01:24:43.000 I have two young kids and a wife to support, so I can't afford to fuck this up.

01:24:47.000 My wife and I strongly believe that it is best for the kids if she is at home to raise them and not off at some trivial job as a secretary or whatever broads are doing in the workforce these days.

01:24:57.000 So I need to start earning pretty quickly.

01:24:58.000 Fortunately, I've been playing this for quite some time, and I have bought most of the equipment I need, so my overhead is minimal.

01:25:04.000 Any words of wisdom would be much appreciated.

01:25:07.000 My word of wisdom to you, sir, is to work your fucking ass off and say yes to everything.

01:25:12.000 The best way to make money for a new company is to have a hipster, a hacker, and a hustler.

01:25:18.000 Now, that's more of a media thing.

01:25:20.000 I'm not sure it applies to concrete polishing, but the basic premise of that is the hipster sort of keeps involved in the culture of what's going on.

01:25:30.000 The hacker makes sure everything works and understands how to damage control, triage, how to fix things on the fly.

01:25:39.000 And then the hustler is the sales guy getting out there.

01:25:42.000 So I guess you're doing all this by yourself and you have to take on all three roles.

01:25:45.000 That's going to be a bitch.

01:25:46.000 You should really just have one guy.

01:25:48.000 Like we can maybe do the hacker and the hustler.

01:25:51.000 One guy is handling all the actual work and then the other guy is out there getting gigs.

01:25:55.000 I don't see how you could do both at the same time.

01:25:56.000 But the big picture here is when you have a wife and a kid on the way, you have to work your fucking ass on.

01:26:01.000 If that means she's alone and you don't come home till 9 o'clock or at all some nights because you're working all night fucking long, that's what you got to do.

01:26:10.000 The second you have a kid, your sense of self is gone.

01:26:15.000 And if you're selfish, then you don't like that because you want more me time.

01:26:18.000 I want to play more video games.

01:26:20.000 I'm only 35.

01:26:23.000 I want to watch the Hulk beat up Spider-Man.

01:26:28.000 But yeah, a real man goes, all right, I'm done with my self phase of my life.

01:26:31.000 Now it's time for another self to be important, and I'm just going to work my fingers to the bone.

01:26:35.000 I would also, my other advice would be to start small.

01:26:37.000 The studio we're in now costs almost nothing.

01:26:40.000 It's an absolute shithole.

01:26:41.000 We're actually at the back of someone else's office and we're subleasing this studio.

01:26:47.000 So you would be stunned if you saw how shitty it is.

01:26:50.000 I mean, the TriCaster is expensive and some of the equipment, but my overhead is nothing.

01:26:55.000 And I think June will be a year.

01:26:57.000 I think if we make some good money, we might get a real studio.

01:27:02.000 Ooh.

01:27:02.000 Like more Infowars-y.

01:27:07.000 Why don't you show that?

01:27:08.000 That's getting women at the workforce.

01:27:11.000 But the thing about women in the workforce, too, is you've got to get her a car.

01:27:16.000 You have to pay for daycare.

01:27:18.000 You're in a higher tax bracket.

01:27:20.000 After you include all the costs that it costs for her to raise more money, she ends up making like three grand a year.

01:27:27.000 It's not helpful.

01:27:29.000 And your kids are being raised by strangers.

01:27:32.000 Paul Joseph Watson again nails it when he talks about this generation of millennials being screaming brats.

01:27:38.000 And that's from them being the first daycare generation.

01:27:41.000 Because how do you get noticed in a daycare?

01:27:43.000 You scream.

01:27:44.000 You act like a brat.

01:27:45.000 That gets you attention.

01:27:46.000 So it ends up conditioning you to be a fucking brat.

01:27:51.000 So that's my advice for you.

01:27:52.000 Bust your ass and start small.

01:27:56.000 Chris, Connor Oberst.

01:27:58.000 Gavin, you spoke yesterday to musicians you thought sold their souls to the devil.

01:28:01.000 Do you think Conor Oberst is one of those people?

01:28:03.000 Just looking at his disography, I'd be inclined to say yes, but I would agree that fame is what people sell their souls for and not to write great music.

01:28:12.000 Isn't he Bright Eyes?

01:28:14.000 I thought it was the one that you showed the other day.

01:28:17.000 With the ears?

01:28:19.000 Connor Oberst.

01:28:20.000 Bright Eyes, yeah.

01:28:21.000 He's the one who does the Desperacitos, too, right?

01:28:24.000 Desperacito.

01:28:27.000 He's also an insufferable communist.

01:28:31.000 Yeah, it's Connor Oberst.

01:28:33.000 Yeah, I don't think he sold his soul to the devil.

01:28:35.000 But his, you know what's annoying about that song that I was talking about yesterday, Mañana?

01:28:39.000 The next song is called The Left is Right.

01:28:43.000 And it's about socialism and how so you're, I'm parting my ass off listening to this awesome song.

01:28:53.000 And then the next song comes on, and the lyrics are right out of the Communist Manifesto.

01:29:00.000 What does he say here?

01:29:05.000 You know, the 60s proved that change is hit or miss.

01:29:08.000 Every bloody pacifist concedes the truth.

01:29:10.000 If one must die to save the 99, maybe it's justified.

01:29:15.000 The left is right.

01:29:17.000 What are you, Stalin?

01:29:19.000 Should we kill 7 million Ukrainians to feed the Soviet Union?

01:29:23.000 Fuck off.

01:29:25.000 But that doesn't bother me.

01:29:26.000 I can listen to music.

01:29:28.000 I don't want to listen to lyrics that are advocating genocide, which is what that socialist cunt does.

01:29:35.000 But I can listen to bands where I hate their politics, or else there'd be no music.

01:29:39.000 I can listen to Satanists.

01:29:40.000 Remember yesterday, Pete Townsend was talking about Greta Thunberg and how lovely little Greta taught us to listen to the science.

01:29:49.000 And I was like, Jesus Christ, even the Who is polluted?

01:29:52.000 I was just thinking about her with underwear on or something.

01:29:55.000 Alan, watched a comedy special on Amazon Prime that should earn me a purple heart.

01:30:00.000 Hey, Gavin, Alana Glazer is a comedian, apparently, and I just watched her comedy special on Amazon Prime.

01:30:06.000 Actually, I only got to 1017, but I'm pretty proud of that.

01:30:09.000 I bet you can't beat my mark.

01:30:11.000 That's a challenge.

01:30:12.000 Atlanta Glazer, I think I know the comedy special he's talking about, and I was dared to watch it.

01:30:21.000 Oh, Atlanta Glazer.

01:30:22.000 No, that's not what I was thinking of.

01:30:24.000 Broad City.

01:30:25.000 Yeah.

01:30:26.000 God, she's so all about abortion, and it's because she's a slut who's had to have a bunch.

01:30:31.000 Waiting for me to use.

01:30:35.000 Damn.

01:30:37.000 Men's razors are superior to women's razors.

01:30:44.000 It's almost like it was designed that way.

01:30:53.000 No, they wouldn't do that.

01:30:57.000 Ha, ha, ha.

01:30:58.000 Just pause.

01:30:59.000 Do you know what she's talking about?

01:31:02.000 Men's razors being designed better than women's?

01:31:04.000 Yeah.

01:31:05.000 Women's razors tend to be more expensive than men's razors, and it's proof that there's sexism.

01:31:12.000 And men's razors are actually higher quality, but they're cheaper because we live in a sexist society.

01:31:16.000 That's a myth.

01:31:18.000 Remember our buddy, not Elad, but the other guy with the beard?

01:31:22.000 He debunked this myth and said, no, actually, they're more ergonomic.

01:31:26.000 They take more technology, women's razors.

01:31:29.000 Men's razors are often exactly the same, but because women have more details on their razors, they tend to be more expensive.

01:31:37.000 And there's still plenty of women's razors that are cheaper than men's razors.

01:31:40.000 It's just a dumb mistake that women make because they get their information from Facebook memes.

01:31:46.000 I do remember that.

01:31:48.000 Do you remember that guy?

01:31:48.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:31:51.000 Women's razors.

01:31:56.000 Yeah, men's razors are just excellent quality.

01:32:00.000 The metal is like military grade.

01:32:04.000 Women's razors are so flimsy.

01:32:07.000 The slightest breeze sends them flying off the shelf of the shower.

01:32:12.000 Is that funny?

01:32:14.000 Oh, wow.

01:32:14.000 Look at the front row.

01:32:15.000 That looks like a fun time.

01:32:18.000 A little guy in a wig?

01:32:19.000 Yeah, sure is.

01:32:20.000 With a leotard and a mustache.

01:32:24.000 Keep playing it, though.

01:32:30.000 And someone decided about six, seven years ago, to line the perimeter of women's razors with soap and rubber.

01:32:44.000 Houston, let me ask you something.

01:32:45.000 Be real with me.

01:32:47.000 Do I look too dumb to lather my own leg?

01:32:52.000 Men's razors have a bar line of soap on them.

01:32:55.000 Houston, let me ask you another thing.

01:32:58.000 This is rough.

01:32:59.000 After one shower, doesn't the soap become the texture of cum?

01:33:09.000 Imagine clapping to the word cum.

01:33:14.000 This is brutal.

01:33:15.000 I'm getting in the shower.

01:33:17.000 Alan, you're right.

01:33:17.000 I can't hold a candle to your 10 minutes and 17 seconds.

01:33:21.000 How long did we just do there?

01:33:23.000 Three minutes?

01:33:24.000 I can't see anymore.

01:33:25.000 Ferenti.

01:33:28.000 The God bit is awful when that hack Stephen Colbert does it on his show, but at least he projects God on the ceiling.

01:33:36.000 Yeah, I'm not feeling very confident about my God bit.

01:33:38.000 I may have to retire that.

01:33:42.000 4chan.

01:33:43.000 Firewall, this guy calls himself.

01:33:44.000 Cease and desist.

01:33:46.000 Is that him talking to God?

01:33:51.000 Merry Christmas.

01:33:52.000 Thank you.

01:33:53.000 Well pandered, God.

01:33:54.000 Well pandered.

01:33:55.000 It's what I do.

01:33:56.000 I want people to like me.

01:33:59.000 Now, God.

01:34:01.000 I didn't know God does this.

01:34:03.000 Me neither.

01:34:04.000 Well, Stephen, when a man loves a woman very much, they exchange a story.

01:34:09.000 In my defense, I first did the interview with God in Vice magazine in 1995.

01:34:16.000 I also interviewed a potato.

01:34:19.000 No more God, please.

01:34:21.000 That's a filler bit for an unimaginative children's show.

01:34:25.000 Also, cease and desist the falling activities.

01:34:27.000 Picking your nose.

01:34:28.000 There's no excuse for this.

01:34:29.000 Nobody wants to see it.

01:34:32.000 So far, I'm with you.

01:34:33.000 Ain't a lips.

01:34:34.000 No, I'm never not saying that word.

01:34:36.000 That's one of my greatest accomplishments.

01:34:40.000 Not telling Ryan to stop mumbling and rambling.

01:34:43.000 If he doesn't know what to say or how to say, does he keep his mouth shut?

01:34:46.000 I recently listened to an old pre-Ryan season of G-O-M-L, and the quality was noticeably better.

01:34:53.000 What do you think of that, Ryan?

01:34:55.000 Hurts.

01:34:56.000 So be meaner to Ryan?

01:34:57.000 I didn't know that was possible.

01:35:00.000 That Irish or Scottish song you keep bringing up, it's not only the most boomer thing I've ever heard, it's also Scottish or Irish, which is nasty and foul.

01:35:08.000 Okay.

01:35:09.000 Like Jesus and Mary Chain and the shop assistants?

01:35:13.000 Literally inbred deformed communists.

01:35:16.000 That is pretty true.

01:35:17.000 They are fucking wildly socialist and fucking hideous.

01:35:22.000 Most ugly people on planet Earth.

01:35:24.000 You know why Scots are so ugly?

01:35:26.000 Because when the Vikings came, they stole all the hot chicks and brought them back to Scandinavia.

01:35:32.000 That's why Scandinavian girls are hot.

01:35:34.000 Because the Vikings stole all the hotties from every country they invaded.

01:35:38.000 So if you find Scandinavians hot, you're a rape apologist.

01:35:46.000 Oh, Live from New York crashes horrifically with the intro music and makes it sound like a toothpaste sandwich.

01:35:53.000 Well, we're not changing that.

01:35:55.000 Mentioning the same couple of things about yourself every single show.

01:36:00.000 Every single one, you bring it up like you're contractually obliged or severely insecure.

01:36:06.000 This is a very mean letter, isn't it?

01:36:08.000 Very.

01:36:08.000 Hurt my feelings, hurt your feelings.

01:36:10.000 Sounds like somebody should start their own show.

01:36:12.000 Shouldn't you list the things you're talking about?

01:36:13.000 What do I say about myself every show?

01:36:16.000 I don't know.

01:36:18.000 And Nusk.

01:36:20.000 Rick and Morty?

01:36:21.000 Subject?

01:36:22.000 Why isn't there a connection for Gavin being Rick Sanchez and Ryan Morty?

01:36:27.000 Rick's a genius alcoholic who is constantly on Morty's ass, and Ryan is learning.

01:36:32.000 That's a gay letter.

01:36:34.000 Roasters Anonymous.

01:36:36.000 They say they only roast the ones you love.

01:36:39.000 This is emailed to everyone possibly associated with the show.

01:36:44.000 Gavin, you disappointed more Scotsman than Austin Powers fat bastard.

01:36:47.000 I recently saw an old recording of Anal Chinook performing live.

01:36:50.000 Can't determine what you lack more of, a vocal range or a jawline.

01:36:54.000 Vicious choked to death on his own vomit would be easier, blah, blah, blah, than having to sing your foreskin song again.

01:36:59.000 But moving to New York, you've managed to make 9-11 the second most tragic thing to happen within city limits.

01:37:04.000 Waka, waka.

01:37:06.000 Gavin got his first taste of celebrity when David Cross came in his mouth.

01:37:09.000 After months of relentlessly researching and studying for the role, Gavin started How to Be a Man.

01:37:16.000 Oh, I get it.

01:37:17.000 And I thought Perry Caravello's IMDb page was depressing.

01:37:21.000 As it turns out, you've played yourself more times than he's played himself.

01:37:25.000 Gavin missed his last chance of being in a blockbuster when they went out of business.

01:37:30.000 Not really going for an acting career, by the way.

01:37:32.000 Gavin, your past history with cocaine and other narcotics, we're proud you fought through the abuse and have now gone a decade without doing anything of substance.

01:37:40.000 Not bad.

01:37:41.000 That was pretty well worded.

01:37:43.000 I tried to buy the Death of Cole on Amazon.

01:37:44.000 It said users who bought this also bought 50 feet of twisted manila rope.

01:37:50.000 Just say rope.

01:37:53.000 When Gavin goes to confession, the priest will often bypass the formalities and just have Gavin blow into a breathalyzer.

01:38:00.000 This is a long joke.

01:38:01.000 Depending on what percentile he scores in, the priest then proposes an act of penance and instructs him to practice the works of mercy, such as feeding the hungry, visiting the sick, recycling stolen bottles of comedian wine, and letting a homeless man named Larry do a better job of hosting Get Off My Lawn than Gavin ever has.

01:38:18.000 That was great.

01:38:20.000 Matt, friend is an absolute pussy.

01:38:23.000 I love these kind of letters.

01:38:25.000 Gavin, my friend and roommate is an absolute pussy.

01:38:28.000 To begin with, his two and a half months relationship is coming to an end, mostly because this girl talks to her coworker often and is sometimes too busy to talk to him.

01:38:41.000 He has cried almost every day, multiple times, and said that he was going to kill himself over her.

01:38:48.000 Also, he gossips like a bitch, cannot stand to be uncomfortable for any amount of time, never stands up for himself, and has no opinions.

01:38:56.000 How would you toughen up a friend, someone who is not much younger than me, and get him to stop being a pussy?

01:39:01.000 My advice for you, Matt, would be booze.

01:39:03.000 Let's get this guy drunk.

01:39:05.000 Let's get him in touch with his liquid courage, and maybe that can simulate actual courage down the line.

01:39:11.000 Otherwise, just tell him to fuck off.

01:39:18.000 That's a good rule of thumb for life.

01:39:20.000 And if you find yourself not being yourself, then that's what unhappiness is.

01:39:24.000 So don't associate with those people anymore.

01:39:28.000 All right, last one.

01:39:30.000 Anthony.

01:39:32.000 Dear Gavin and Ryan, thanks for turning me on to Jerry Cinnamon.

01:39:35.000 Wait, we talked about this?

01:39:37.000 We talked about Jerry Cinnamon.

01:39:38.000 Devoni has been on heavy rotation for a while now.

01:39:40.000 Have either of you listened to Benjamin Todd of the Lost Street Dog Band.

01:39:45.000 Terrible name, I know.

01:39:46.000 His solo acoustic stuff is worth checking out.

01:39:49.000 There's a song called Using Again that's a pretty good place to start.

01:39:53.000 He appears a lot on the Gems on VHS series on YouTube, which had a ton of great music on it.

01:39:59.000 Cheers.

01:39:59.000 All right, that's a good way to end the letters.

01:40:03.000 Let's fucking check out Benjamin Todd.

01:40:08.000 Wait, isn't that the guy we saw yesterday?

01:40:10.000 No, just has a ratty old acoustic.

01:40:14.000 In common.

01:40:15.000 And tats.

01:40:16.000 Yes.

01:40:18.000 Whoa, shit.

01:40:19.000 What have you done?

01:40:21.000 Is that your postal code?

01:40:22.000 Your zip code?

01:40:23.000 Is that brand new?

01:40:24.000 Using again?

01:40:26.000 I want it to be stark black.

01:40:27.000 Is that fine?

01:40:28.000 What have you done?

01:40:31.000 Neck tattoos.

01:40:33.000 Oh, is that a tutorial?

01:40:34.000 Is there a person on earth who doesn't regret their neck tattoo?

01:40:36.000 That's a riff rundown.

01:40:38.000 Let's see.

01:40:39.000 Is it the same guy, I think?

01:40:42.000 And I'm using again.

01:40:45.000 Nice hat.

01:40:45.000 Look at that.

01:40:46.000 I'm hating my name because I'm cursed like my kin.

01:40:52.000 And if I should see you before I'm condemned, I hope you're deceived by the webs that I spin.

01:41:04.000 I wish I was who I appeared.

01:41:10.000 Cause I despise the man in the mirror.

01:41:16.000 He's great.

01:41:17.000 Yeah.

01:41:18.000 This is awesome.

01:41:19.000 Lost deep inside of my dirty old soul.

01:41:25.000 Some story I'd told they never taught so much.

01:41:28.000 They're awful white guys.

01:41:29.000 Such a dumb fad.

01:41:32.000 We just need to address white supremacy.

01:41:36.000 It's at the root of all our problems.

01:41:37.000 It's the number one terrorist rate.

01:41:39.000 Did you know that?

01:41:39.000 I did.

01:41:41.000 It's impossible to be racist towards whites, by the way.

01:41:44.000 Yes.

01:41:46.000 That's a fact.

01:41:47.000 Because whites have the power.

01:41:49.000 So you can't be mean to power.

01:41:52.000 He's just...

01:41:55.000 He just cashed in all his white privilege.

01:41:57.000 He watched power.

01:41:59.000 Yes.

01:41:59.000 This guy.

01:42:00.000 If a black guy played guitar and sang a song, no one would care.

01:42:04.000 No, it's not powerful enough.

01:42:05.000 People don't like when black people sing songs.

01:42:08.000 No.

01:42:08.000 They're not allowed to make music.

01:42:12.000 All right.

01:42:13.000 Shall we end the show?

01:42:15.000 Sure.

01:42:16.000 I want to end it with this video that I saw.

01:42:20.000 This is 138.

01:42:21.000 Crazy lady on a plane.

01:42:24.000 But prepare to be really fucking annoyed by the guy in front of her.

01:42:31.000 You may have to hide me or move me.

01:42:34.000 No, you're going to tell me.

01:42:37.000 Actually, I'd like to be in this.

01:42:38.000 So shrink it.

01:42:42.000 Just pause.

01:42:43.000 Pause and then set it up correctly.

01:42:46.000 I mean, you may have to super shrink it.

01:42:49.000 Can't you move me somewhere else?

01:42:51.000 Yeah.

01:42:52.000 Here we go.

01:42:52.000 Let me see.

01:42:53.000 So we'll do this.

01:42:55.000 And then I'll take you.

01:42:56.000 Put me on the left side.

01:42:58.000 Look at his face.

01:42:59.000 Here's something that really bothers me too about society in general.

01:43:03.000 The lack of humor.

01:43:05.000 Like, I would be laughing my head off if I was her.

01:43:09.000 And you know what else I would do if I was on this plane?

01:43:11.000 I'd be getting her going.

01:43:13.000 I'd be like, so what are they arresting you for?

01:43:16.000 Yeah, is it bullshit or not?

01:43:19.000 Yeah.

01:43:20.000 It sounds like you didn't do anything.

01:43:22.000 Shouldn't, hey, officer, shouldn't you tell?

01:43:24.000 I wouldn't fuck with the cops, but if someone ever goes nuts on a plane, I'm going to be like, no one's even listening.

01:43:31.000 That's fucked up.

01:43:32.000 You're right.

01:43:33.000 Might as well get angry.

01:43:34.000 Yeah.

01:43:34.000 So what's the problem again?

01:43:36.000 And they won't even listen to you?

01:43:38.000 That's fucked up.

01:43:39.000 I saw somebody do the exact same thing that you were doing on my return flight before.

01:43:43.000 Totally fine.

01:43:44.000 Everyone was fine with it.

01:43:45.000 Actually, classic.

01:43:46.000 It's like they're out to get you.

01:43:49.000 I didn't even do anything.

01:43:51.000 No!

01:43:52.000 It's not me.

01:43:53.000 So he just saw that he's being recorded.

01:43:55.000 And he's pissed off me.

01:43:58.000 Why do you care that you're being recorded?

01:44:00.000 Look, he's looking at her.

01:44:02.000 I don't want to be on this tape.

01:44:04.000 Wait, now I'm in the way of her.

01:44:08.000 I'm not leaving.

01:44:09.000 I am going.

01:44:10.000 Make me vanish.

01:44:14.000 Look, look.

01:44:16.000 What are you putting your headphones on?

01:44:18.000 Look at this.

01:44:18.000 This is the worst part.

01:44:19.000 I want to know what the hell is going on.

01:44:20.000 She has to go pee.

01:44:24.000 I want you telling me what you're doing.

01:44:25.000 Excuse me, can I go pee?

01:44:27.000 Can I go pee?

01:44:27.000 Just quickly?

01:44:28.000 No.

01:44:29.000 What did I do?

01:44:31.000 I want to go pee.

01:44:32.000 You're going to tell me what I'm doing.

01:44:36.000 Yes.

01:44:38.000 I didn't even do anything except purchase a ticket.

01:44:43.000 No, the pilot falls.

01:44:45.000 I'm not leaving here with my personal.

01:44:47.000 He has to go pee.

01:44:49.000 Dude, you're not going to be able to go pee when the police are trying to restrain a lunatic.

01:44:54.000 What do you think?

01:44:56.000 Oh, you're breaking my arm!

01:44:57.000 I'm not trying to break no arms.

01:44:58.000 Yes, you are.

01:44:59.000 He is.

01:45:00.000 Now he's checking his phone?

01:45:01.000 Yes, you are.

01:45:02.000 You son of a gun.

01:45:03.000 Stand up.

01:45:04.000 You son of a gun.

01:45:05.000 Did you say you son of a gun?

01:45:06.000 You sure did.

01:45:07.000 I didn't do anything.

01:45:09.000 See, this is the problem with women today.

01:45:11.000 They're just so empowered that it's become abrasive.

01:45:16.000 Look, okay, sorry.

01:45:18.000 Look.

01:45:18.000 So just go back.

01:45:19.000 This is the most annoying part.

01:45:23.000 Hey, can I go pee?

01:45:25.000 You've already asked that 10 times.

01:45:27.000 Oh, okay.

01:45:27.000 Sorry.

01:45:28.000 Sorry, buddy.

01:45:28.000 Sorry.

01:45:30.000 What do you think?

01:45:31.000 Of course you can't go piss.

01:45:32.000 Is he autistic?

01:45:36.000 And now he doesn't.

01:45:36.000 He's fidgeting.

01:45:37.000 You don't want to hear this?

01:45:39.000 Like her foot's there.

01:45:40.000 This guy just reacts.

01:45:41.000 This is a reactor.

01:45:45.000 I think he's such a pussy that he's stressed out by this.

01:45:49.000 Like the way a dog is on July 4th with the firecrackers.

01:45:53.000 He just doesn't like the loudness.

01:45:56.000 Now he's checking his phone like it's a nervous tick.

01:45:59.000 Look at his fidgets.

01:46:01.000 Like, what are you doing?

01:46:02.000 What are you checking your notes?

01:46:05.000 Are you zooming in on some picture on Facebook?

01:46:08.000 No, no, no.

01:46:10.000 Wrinkle my forehead.

01:46:14.000 How is it so hard to get a woman out of a chair?

01:46:16.000 What do we pay these guys for?

01:46:18.000 I see a hair.

01:46:19.000 Hit her up.

01:46:20.000 I see a fully operational weapon.

01:46:23.000 What's the problem?

01:46:24.000 Shoot her.

01:46:27.000 But like, this is a pussy America.

01:46:30.000 Just pick her up and fucking drag her out of the fucking bus.

01:46:33.000 Ma'am, we're going to shoot off each one of your toes.

01:46:35.000 I need you to be very expeditious when there's a lunatic on a plane.

01:46:40.000 They tend to have bombs.

01:46:41.000 What if she starts spitting?

01:46:43.000 They're pooping.

01:46:44.000 You're breaking my arms.

01:46:47.000 Just pick her up.

01:46:48.000 No, I'm not resisting.

01:46:49.000 Nothing.

01:46:50.000 You're twisting my neck and my arms.

01:46:52.000 This is lame.

01:46:55.000 Quit it!

01:46:56.000 No!

01:46:59.000 Stop it!

01:47:00.000 Stop it!

01:47:01.000 Damn it!

01:47:02.000 Get off of me!

01:47:03.000 They're cops, lady.

01:47:05.000 You're on a plane.

01:47:06.000 How do you think this is gonna go?

01:47:08.000 You think they're gonna drop it?

01:47:10.000 Quit it!

01:47:10.000 What are you gonna do?

01:47:11.000 Beat them up?

01:47:11.000 I don't know why I'm being arrested.

01:47:14.000 No!

01:47:14.000 You're gonna tell me right now!

01:47:15.000 Okay, no, you're gonna handcuff me in this.

01:47:17.000 Board of Seattle.

01:47:18.000 Why am I under arrest?

01:47:19.000 What did I do?

01:47:21.000 Fupa vision.

01:47:22.000 Under what?

01:47:24.000 Why do all these, that age of women have the same body?

01:47:27.000 They always have that weird gunt.

01:47:32.000 I asked a female friend then.

01:47:35.000 She gave me some long diatribe about carbs and processing carbs and food education and how women process have different metabolisms or something.

01:47:44.000 And I said, okay, so men, they don't seem to look like that.

01:47:46.000 Like, there's plenty of fat men.

01:47:48.000 But generally, when you see a couple who's in their late 50s, early 60s, he's normal and she's got that big fucking gun.

01:47:55.000 And then she got pissed off at me and said, well, a lot of it's having to deal with men too.

01:48:01.000 It's stressful.

01:48:01.000 So we eat.

01:48:03.000 It's like, okay, so now your obese, everything is my problem, including your slovenly lifestyle and your inability to take in less carbs than you burn.

01:48:15.000 I really think it's because there's the hormones in the food.

01:48:17.000 Women are not meant to be eating cheeseburgers.

01:48:20.000 No, it's because women used to do more.

01:48:22.000 She used to be cooking and cleaning and looking after the kids and then the grandkids.

01:48:26.000 And they were always busy in the 60s and 70s.

01:48:29.000 Now they sit on their fucking ass and play Scrabble on their phone.

01:48:34.000 Can we see him?

01:48:34.000 Is he?

01:48:36.000 Anyway, isn't that guy irritating?

01:48:38.000 Yeah.

01:48:38.000 God.

01:48:39.000 Dr. October.

01:48:40.000 Throw some balls and have a laugh.

01:48:42.000 Get fired.

01:48:42.000 Get in trouble.

01:48:43.000 Be brave.

Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes - January 08, 2020

S02E109 - TWO MINDS [2020-01-08 - S02E109 - TWO MINDS]

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