S02E125 - MAILBAG CATCHUP 1 [2020-02-17 - S02E125 - MAILBAG CATCHUP 1]
Episode Stats
Words per Minute
153.63011
Summary
Gavin and Ryan are back with another pre-taped episode of Get Off My Lawn. This week, they talk about Morrissey Night in your local bar, Ryan's wedding to a hipster photographer, and why it's a good idea to have a Morrissey night in your town. They also answer listener mailbag questions.
Transcript
00:00:20.000
Driving in your car, I never never want to go home because I haven't got one because I haven't got one.
00:00:39.000
You know, if you want to have a fun thing in your city, have a Morrissey night.
00:00:55.000
You could play other music too, but that's sort of the spine, like Ozzy radio, you know?
00:01:12.000
I want to have Morrissey Night here on Mondays.
00:01:20.000
You're saying I'm going to help you with business.
00:01:24.000
It just seems silly because it's just so specific.
00:01:28.000
Well, I know it from, because in New York in the early aughts, Morrissey Night was a big thing.
00:01:33.000
And it was this fashion designer, Benjamin Cho, who has since OD'd on heroin, and this skater photographer, Pat Odell, who fucking did my wedding.
00:01:44.000
I got a hipster photography for my wedding, and he didn't take a picture of me and my wife.
00:01:53.000
I photoshopped one of her standing and me standing, and I put it together.
00:02:19.000
So today and tomorrow, we're just going to catch up on letters because you deserve content every day.
00:02:27.000
And the letters are piling up, and some of them are really good.
00:02:32.000
Like I'll look up a word in my email, like Scottish, and then I'll find some cool letter about some woman saying thank you for pushing family values and but also keeping it real, blah, blah, blah.
00:02:49.000
It's funny that I use one of the most boring letters imaginable as an example of all the cool stuff that's hidden in the mailbag.
00:02:59.000
But yeah, I know for a fact that Morrisonites work and they attract hot chicks.
00:03:05.000
And I'm talking to you, Kansas City, and your burgeoning hipster scene.
00:03:12.000
If you want looking for a place to move to, you're a young man, want to start again, you just broke up with your girl, you're not stupid enough to go to college, go to Kansas City.
00:03:35.000
We should and we shall, because I think it is important to do the mailbag.
00:03:56.000
You know, a lot of songs get on your nerves if you have to hear them every day.
00:04:54.000
We're a couple of the lower quality boxers at my gym.
00:04:59.000
In fact, he's known as the mayor of Twinkieville, and I'm the mayor of Cupcakeville.
00:05:09.000
Yeah, because a boy named Sue, I mean, he was tough for the same reason.
00:05:25.000
Like, at least Cupcakeville is pretty, and the stadiums are open unlike your shithole hometown of Mount Vernon.
00:05:41.000
He said to me the other day, what would you do if I just started laying hands on you?
00:05:46.000
I go, I would pick you up and throw you through that fucking window so hard the black would come out of you.
00:05:58.000
Why in the fuck isn't the live show from last night uploaded to the app or the website?
00:06:06.000
I thought I was going to lay my wife last Wednesday because it's hump day.
00:06:11.000
It was her birthday, so she went off to her friend's house.
00:06:14.000
And I brought flowers home and I was like, wondering what kind of moves I'm going to conjure up.
00:06:18.000
You know, they say that marriage is the same dinner again and again and again.
00:06:23.000
It's the same kitchen with the same ingredients.
00:06:36.000
And I was just walking around the house going, Mikey!
00:07:18.000
And I just, I'll be at Mikey's in like 20 minutes, and then it's on.
00:07:23.000
That's the one part of the day that could crumble everything.
00:07:26.000
And when he said no, that had never occurred to her.
00:07:31.000
I've been, I've already spent the crack in my mind.
00:07:42.000
That's another reason that I was saying it as I walked around my house because I was like, Mikey!
00:07:54.000
I'm a longtime paying, newly pregnant listener.
00:07:58.000
I work at a desk all day, and this show, along with a couple others, is the only thing that gets me through this fucking job every day.
00:08:06.000
Also, my pussy boyfriend is being a real bitch about our new oops edition until he finds where he placed his balls.
00:08:13.000
This shit is the only thing that keeps me seen.
00:08:17.000
This is like the third time the fucking live show isn't up.
00:08:31.000
You and Hermione are perfect hilarious, so fuck the haters.
00:08:39.000
Why do we take so long to put up the live show?
00:08:42.000
Well, it's exporting right now, but usually the streams...
00:08:51.000
My understanding is after you broadcast a live show, it instantly banks and it's up there, buddy.
00:09:01.000
And plus, we don't want to put up last night's show because it was glitching.
00:09:21.000
Not sure if you've seen the Norm McDonald bit on his short-lived sports show about Google trying to autocorrect searches.
00:09:31.000
He would search things like WNBA highlights, and Google would ask if he meant NBA highlights.
00:09:37.000
Anyway, I tried to replicate it, and I could not find a single thing too ridiculous.
00:09:45.000
Sports show with Norm McDonald was like nine years ago, so it's not surprising how much it's changed.
00:09:58.000
Oh, that's no, that's a stand-up about something related.
00:10:04.000
I got to go to Google because I use DuckDuckGoo.
00:10:28.000
Now, to illuminate, I'm obsessed with how everything is 5%.
00:10:34.000
95% of people shouldn't go to secondary education.
00:10:39.000
That's the way it used to be in my dad's generation.
00:10:44.000
5% of the people in prison deserve to be there.
00:10:47.000
5% of cops are the complete fucking assholes that everyone says they are, minus the murdering black people.
00:10:55.000
By the way, I cannot find the Norman McDonald show clip that he's playing.
00:11:02.000
80-10, 90-10, 95-5 are all known as perito distributions, and they govern all aspects of our lives, including things like how much to tax before it impacts the economy.
00:11:13.000
That number is roughly 20% of GDP that may be taxed before the economy begins to suffer from overtaxation.
00:11:26.000
When I got fired from the Blades, I got a severance package and I paid hundreds and hundreds of thousands of dollars in tax.
00:11:34.000
Like if you were to spend it on a house, it would be a fucking mansion.
00:11:39.000
And that money is just in the paper shredder of the government.
00:11:49.000
5% of your people make 95% of your business's productivity.
00:11:56.000
Human behavior, how we think, he puts in brackets, tends to follow Peridot distributions and biological traits.
00:12:03.000
What we are, such as IQ or height, follow a standard distribution more commonly known as the bell curve.
00:12:18.000
I remember David Cross and I would argue about that all the time because that's really what the right and the left comes down to.
00:12:28.000
And it's weird because the left also says you're gay from birth.
00:12:36.000
And every time someone's bad, it's because society made them bad.
00:12:48.000
But I remember he sent me this link and it said 50-50, nature-nurture.
00:12:57.000
And when they say 50% is nurture, 50% is nature.
00:13:01.000
They're including like a cleft palate or the fact that your mom and dad have a big nose and you have a big nose.
00:13:08.000
The frontal lobe, the brain, that's what matters.
00:13:15.000
You get raped by your dad every day, you're going to be a shitty person.
00:13:28.000
Whether they grew up in Paris or Korea, they'll have the same dog, the same car.
00:13:33.000
Their husbands will look similar, similar income.
00:13:54.000
Gavin, since homosexuals slash trannies only make up 5% of the population, perhaps you should dedicate only 5% of your show to them.
00:14:04.000
Actually, I think gays are 1% of the population.
00:14:16.000
So in my class in high school, in my room of 30 kids, three of them were homosexuals?
00:14:48.000
It's so weird that our viewers just see me as a friend and they can just say, hey, the feed's not working.
00:15:08.000
Well, actually, judging by that update, she got the crack.
00:15:14.000
I was trying to prevent that video that you're going to make in the future.
00:15:18.000
Talking about watching a live episode and you pondered what you should do while taking calls, what makes good TV?
00:15:24.000
Your reaction to the terrible story was great TV.
00:15:41.000
It might be too expensive, but I get a tablet here.
00:15:45.000
And while people are calling, I do drawings of what they're calling about.
00:15:49.000
And there's some USB that goes to the TriCaster, and you can see on the big screen what I'm drawing.
00:15:59.000
We take away your camera and we put it on the ceiling.
00:16:30.000
Stop fronting about your dog you fucking love Leroy.
00:16:46.000
Hey, dude, watch our video, which is almost as cringe as your God video.
00:16:54.000
By the way, a lot of people are ending letters with, I want to fuck you with my heels on.
00:17:00.000
We should just make that our greeting on the phone.
00:17:20.000
That type of delivery is like, I'm taking over the ship.
00:17:24.000
It's the opposite of Trump when he's going, she's a penniless mother, fucking walks in here.
00:17:33.000
F-U-Apostrophe N. She's like a fucking low-rate hooker.
00:17:39.000
You got their stupid crappy thing that has 789 views?
00:17:45.000
I just wish all guys would grow up and accept that feelings are far superior than facts.
00:17:49.000
Now, I know what you're thinking, but I was having a chat with my girlfriend.
00:17:52.000
Well, technically, I'm just her friend, but she's been really mad at this, like, Chad guy.
00:18:12.000
You're supposed to be attracted to black guys, dude!
00:18:15.000
You know, Jay killed a lot of black guys in Cuba?
00:18:27.000
And what's up with all this workers' revolution dribble?
00:18:30.000
I mean, you didn't realize the proletariat got filthy rich.
00:18:37.000
You can't be part of the revolution if you're not working.
00:19:18.000
I wouldn't fuck him with my heels on, but that was alright.
00:19:27.000
Thanks for bringing Justice for Liberty to our attention.
00:19:29.000
Please keep letting us know about any ways we can help.
00:19:32.000
For the sake of convenience, I think it would be nice if the donate page was somewhere on censored.tv, had links to things like Justice for Liberty, Defend Gavin, and the other important campaigns by it.
00:19:46.000
Now, this is a pre-tape, so hopefully by the time you see this, that number 20 will be 25.
00:20:01.000
Gavin, how the do you not know about the Uetsueten standoff?
00:20:06.000
It's the biggest thing happening in Canada right now, and our piece of shit prime minister is doing nothing about it.
00:20:11.000
Radicals are trying to shut down our oil and gas industry.
00:20:13.000
Meanwhile, Sockboy is over in Africa promoting their oil and gas industry, trying to get a seat on the UN Council.
00:20:28.000
let's see here i know just who to call good my name is jason charney good morning of this This dramatic confrontation unfolded on a logging road on the disputed land.
00:20:39.000
Do you understand that if you do not leave, you will be arrested?
00:20:43.000
I thought you took cultural classes to understand.
00:20:48.000
Right now, we're having a misunderstanding then.
00:20:51.000
Police left, but tensions rose as people wondered what would happen next.
00:20:56.000
Up this road is where police have been arresting people.
00:20:58.000
This afternoon, though, those opposed to the pipeline blocked it with about a dozen vehicles.
00:21:07.000
There is nothing you can say to make us stand down!
00:21:11.000
Media aren't being allowed in, but this scene was filmed by those who call themselves land defenders.
00:21:16.000
The only thing that I fear is that the world will continue to let this happen.
00:21:22.000
Yesterday, six people were arrested in the first of three camps set up by the Wet Suitin along the road.
00:21:40.000
Did at the first of three camps set up by the Wet Suit and along the road.
00:22:08.000
Wet Suetan, this standoff about the pipeline with Indians in Canada?
00:22:44.000
But, however, Rebel News was up there, and they were interviewing one of the protesters.
00:22:51.000
The protester wouldn't speak to them, but the news reporter recognized him.
00:23:03.000
They're really just anti-capitalism at the end of the day.
00:23:24.000
Yeah, Ezra had a good point where he said, look, we have to get oil.
00:23:27.000
Let's get ethical oil from our own country rather than get it from the Middle East where they murder gays and rape women.
00:23:47.000
What they're doing is importing oil from Saudi Arabia.
00:23:59.000
And then they're transporting oil by rail, which is really much, much more dangerous than a pipeline.
00:24:20.000
The Americans, you know, they're their only customer.
00:24:24.000
So they're in a wonderful negotiating position.
00:24:27.000
So we end up getting about 25% less than our oil than we would in the open market.
00:24:42.000
He makes the line worse by putting his speakerphone on at his house.
00:25:03.000
And then when I bring up what the smart person said, and they go, you're fucking stupid.
00:25:07.000
I go, no, because I'm actually parroting what a smart guy said.
00:25:12.000
So like I'll say to a doctor, what's going on with this spike in esophagal cancer?
00:25:21.000
These people are getting heartburn because they eat shitty food.
00:25:24.000
And so they're getting, you know, the, what do you call that one?
00:25:30.000
So then they're drinking fruity drinks and Gatorade and fucking garbage, Pepsi, to get the taste down, or taking anti-acid tablets.
00:25:40.000
So then their body's producing more acid to counter it, and they can't even feel it anymore.
00:25:44.000
So there's this acid war going on in their esophagus, and it burns away at it.
00:25:55.000
And then when I repeat that to someone, they go, no, no, no, that's not true.
00:26:14.000
Instead of giving it to me, why don't you give George Foreman his nose back?
00:26:45.000
Okay, I'll go get Mikey and I'll get you a crack if you sing fuck you with your heels on.
00:27:10.000
Not just because she's ugly, but she's too intense.
00:27:18.000
That whole thing, like, she's a total starfish.
00:27:27.000
The vibe of I'm the captain now is not sexy to you.
00:27:32.000
I remember one time when I was very young, maybe like 18 or 19, I was dating this fucking insanely hot model chick, Amanda Ketching.
00:27:42.000
She's still hot at 50, but she tied me up, which I never tried before and haven't done since.
00:27:51.000
And then she, it was in the summer and over my body, my whole body, she slowly traced an ice cube over my nipples.
00:28:06.000
First, I undid the knot because I didn't like the feeling of not being in control.
00:28:09.000
So now I'm free, but I just left my hands there for her.
00:28:12.000
And then she, and then I was, my teeth were chattering.
00:28:26.000
You might have to look up, like, she probably lives in Toronto now.
00:28:42.000
Imagine how fucking hot she was when she was 17.
00:28:52.000
That's one of the hottest chicks I ever went out with.
00:29:49.000
I'm so glad we used DuckDuckGo instead of Google.
00:30:18.000
That goes back to what we were saying at the other show about women, female foreigners don't get like sex.
00:30:32.000
Like that guy, Mark Ryan, who fished out a condom from a lady's vagina that he was having sex with from behind as she chewed bubblegum and had pigtails.
00:30:43.000
And he's like, I just found a condom in your vagina.
00:30:48.000
And she's like, I know, that's bugged out, right?
00:30:59.000
They're two white guys, hardcore dudes, like old New York punk dudes.
00:31:03.000
And they go, hey, no one we know has ever fucked a Puerto Rican.
00:31:14.000
So they just started going up to Puerto Ricans.
00:31:24.000
See, they say New York City is a melting pot, and we're all together on the subway.
00:31:30.000
There's the Hasidic Jews who don't know anyone.
00:31:40.000
Then there's like the upper middle class white people.
00:31:49.000
So they jump from one plane to another and they're in another dimension.
00:31:53.000
They were just fucking Puerto Rican chicks for like months.
00:31:55.000
Yeah, it's like, and then Puerto Rican chicks, mostly raised by Disney, they see Pocahontas and they're like, oh, this is like some John Smith meets Pocahontas shit.
00:32:05.000
They probably, you know, have you ever fucked a Puerto Rican?
00:32:12.000
I'd imagine they want to ride on your ding bang.
00:32:16.000
All right, so the one that reminds, the one I'm reminded of right now, she kind of looked like John Leguizamo, but like in Tu Wong Fu?
00:32:36.000
No, but why would you look up John Laguziamo and not John Laguziamo in Wang Fu?
00:32:49.000
Is that French for what you put in an Uzi ammo?
00:32:52.000
Finish this stupid story that no one wants to hear.
00:33:00.000
John Leguizambo, Tuwang Fu, and nothing came up.
00:33:11.000
You know, when you take a conch cell from the beach, you have to kill it.
00:33:16.000
You have to let the conch die, and then you have a conch shell, right?
00:33:20.000
So in the morning, she said, I just let you know, like, I don't stink or whatever.
00:33:37.000
Yeah, while she was getting ready for work, and I was just like, this isn't going to work.
00:33:45.000
This is when I was like bartending, so maybe 23.
00:33:56.000
This 18-year-old girl had complications during implant surgery and is brain dead now.
00:34:00.000
Young girls and implants, your show rules don't ever stop.
00:34:06.000
That is the correct pronunciation of our saying.
00:34:08.000
Colorado teen 18, severely brain damaged after implant surgery gone wrong.
00:34:19.000
Even when they have huge droopers, like they never have pancakes.
00:34:28.000
I clicked the thing and that's what it shows me.
00:34:42.000
What the fuck was the matter with your little Vietnamese tits?
00:34:58.000
No, I'm mad at you for allowing your daughter, your child.
00:35:07.000
Like, a 13-year-old is basically an 11-year-old, and an 18-year-old is basically a 13-year-old.
00:35:18.000
Obviously, there's the libido starting, but what the fuck have you done to our 8?
00:35:53.000
One time I had this family that lived down the street from me, and they introduced me to their au pair who was from China.
00:36:01.000
And she had some complicated name like I should do a whole show on China.
00:36:09.000
You should just do a whole show in fake Chinese.
00:36:12.000
ζεη΄ ζεθεΈ ζη‘ηεζΆθεΈ Those are all words.
00:36:26.000
And we were in Taiwan, heading to Kaocheng from Taipei.
00:36:30.000
And I'm talking to the guy next to me, and like sounds like, ha, ha.
00:36:46.000
And then the bus finally pulls in and they're selling hot corn.
00:37:04.000
And then he runs out and he pays whatever ching pongs.
00:37:14.000
Why don't you have some graham crackers and dry Cheerios with it?
00:37:40.000
The hot corn, does that make you salivate or something?
00:37:52.000
And I guess she just figured that was easier to say.
00:37:56.000
And then one time I was walking my dog and I went by their house and no one was home.
00:38:00.000
And she was on their piano and she was just going, ping, ping, dong, ping, ping.
00:38:06.000
Like not making a song, just plinking the way a dog would.
00:38:09.000
And the next time I saw him, I go, hey, man, I got some bad news for you.
00:38:19.000
And I was laughing so hard that I couldn't explain what I was talking about.
00:38:29.000
You know how many letters we've gone through today?
00:38:36.000
So I was naive to think that we'd be taking a big chip out of this.
00:38:53.000
Like, what are the odds I'm going to like your music?
00:39:01.000
Are they like the John Spencer Blues explosion?
00:39:21.000
She's the kind of girl where I bet if you were in a relationship with her, this happens once in a lifetime where the woman wants to have way more sex than you do.
00:39:30.000
And you wake up and she's blowing you and you're like, come on.
00:40:00.000
I could never do that skateboarding, that thing where you slide to stop.
00:40:09.000
I had a skateboard my whole childhood and I could never fucking do anything.
00:40:28.000
It looks like Kings Road near my grandparents' house.
00:40:56.000
Take me home to my people and I want to see life.