It's Christmas Eve Eve and the lads are on a mission to find out if the TV is back on in time for the big day. The lads also discuss what it's like growing up in the 70s and 80s.
Transcript
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00:00:02.000Call and call my phone, thinking I'm doing nothing better I'm just waiting for it to stop so I can use it again It's gonna call you back from you Call and call my phone thinking I'm doing nothing better I'm just waiting for it to stop so I can get back to it How funny family is actually fucking had you in bits Your mum has good jeans but Dads are ripped.
00:06:03.000But no one has a free subway, dumbass.
00:06:06.000And then, after all those stupid protests, we see they pull down the MTA police just a bit.
00:06:13.000we have clothes piled to the fucking ceiling look at that you can't get past and violence and rape and robbery the subway is forced is is going to hire private security to take care of it did you see that clip of those those nypd cops some fat little black woman just a little chocolate jujube uh was arresting some very strong black man,
00:06:41.000and he kicked her so hard that he kicked her like a soccer ball.
00:06:48.000And she was so round and fat, she rolled like a soccer ball about 20 feet and into the subway tracks.
00:11:41.000He had his moment in the sun and they because his last albums were just as good as his first ones.
00:11:51.000And you know what you should do if you're a band like that that's having a moment in the sun like Sonic Youth were big during Lola Palooza or the Pixies?
00:11:58.000Stop when it starts to go down, wait 10 years and then have an insane reunion tour.
00:12:04.000I think that might be what Mike's doing.
00:13:28.000It's like when you see these soccer players or basketball players pretend they're hurt and they're like, oh, so he'd fall and he couldn't get up.
00:15:11.000And then we're in my bathroom, my study bathroom, my office.
00:15:15.000And I realize he thinks the floor is gross because there's a piece of New York post that's stuck on the floor from when I had a spill, toilet overflow.
00:16:42.000This is very worrying for me because I've always said, if aliens exist, I'm no longer Catholic, no longer Christian, no longer believe in God.
00:16:48.000We have to be the center of the universe.
00:16:50.000God made the universe, made us in his image.
00:16:53.000If there's another place over there that he also made, and we're what, number two?
00:18:04.000But I'm not going to deny what my eyes see.
00:18:08.000Like that guy, Tam the Bam, in Leadhill, Scotland, who told me a story about seeing on the news that they are going to have a man on the moon when he was a little kid.
00:18:20.000And his feather said, don't talk shite.
00:18:23.000They're not going to have a man on the bloody moon.
00:18:26.000And then like two weeks later, and a small step for man, a giant leap for mankind.
00:19:49.000David Shortel was at Roger Stone's house half an hour before the FBI showed up to take him away.
00:20:01.000He did a 30-minute stakeout that became, brought him the biggest story of the year, possibly of a decade.
00:20:09.000He has never broken any story before or since, but somehow in his gut, he decided to fly from D.C. to Palm Springs, not stake out there at night, not pull in at 8 p.m. and wait for the morning.
00:20:24.000No, sleep at a hotel, have a good time, you know, rent a car, and then get up around 5, head there, 5.30, 6 a.m., boom.
00:20:34.000Magically stalking out, staying out at Roger Stone's home as FBI arrested.
00:20:44.000So I think this bitch is the one who set it up and told him to fly down there.
00:20:48.000She will not stop hammering Roger Stone with lies and lies and lies.
00:20:53.000So this segment, The Turgid Tattletale, Brian Stettler, they sit there and they talk about how many crazy conspiracy theories there are about CNN.
00:21:02.000And the woman that I believe is behind the Shortel bullshit is sitting there going, I know.
00:22:05.000One of the reporters in that room was CNN senior writer Caitlin Palance, and she's here with me now.
00:22:10.000Caitlin, this was the end of something and the beginning of something else.
00:22:13.000I want to know about the stakeouts that you helped manage for the past 18 months, because people might have heard CNN had a team of young reporters staked out outside Mueller's office, what, every day since November 2017?
00:25:32.000It's sort of like when you're watching street fights and you see them jump, kick the guy in the head when he's already passed out and the head is just going bling, bling.
00:25:51.000If, in fact, for example, we solve the problem in the United States of America and you don't solve it in other parts of the world, you know what's going to happen.
00:26:44.000Like when he said all men are created equal, and then he said, you know the thing, the thing was obviously we hold these truths to be self-evident.
00:27:57.000Speaking of not sending their best, let's do a deep dive into the difference between men and women and how evident it is when you look at that difference through the prism of comedy.
00:28:14.000I'm just waiting for it to stop so I can use it again.
00:28:49.000It's a form of sort of, it's almost a mockery of violence in a way when you're messing with people and insulting them.
00:28:56.000I mean, I was just saying to Ryan that I read an article that said that co-workers who have sex in the workplace, they tend to be more productive.
00:29:05.000And studies have shown that even when it's two men who work together and are intimate, even if they're not gay, the production increases.
00:29:13.000So in my joke, I'm essentially threatening to rape Ryan.
00:32:30.000He's about to talk to women about their brains.
00:32:32.000Women are remarkably closed-minded about their minds.
00:32:36.000They don't like a lot of people, like males, especially white males, we're interested in stereotypes and things you tell us about ourselves.
00:32:42.000Like, you know, that men don't really sleep as long as blah, blah, blah.
00:37:49.000You talk a lot about like men and women being very different.
00:37:53.000Do you recognize that we all have both inside of us?
00:37:57.000Like we are both masculine and correct.
00:38:01.000He's not talking about that, you dumb bitch.
00:38:03.000He's talking about the general structure of a brain.
00:38:05.000Not that men can sometimes like flowers and be affectionate and women can sometimes be boxers.
00:38:10.000We're aware that there's a Venn diagram of male and female thinking, but it's a very thin sliver down the middle.
00:38:17.000We're fundamentally different because we've had fundamentally different roles for hundreds of thousands of years.
00:38:25.000We've only had feminism for like an hour and a half, but we've been hunters and gatherers for hundreds of thousands of years and women have been nurturing and being back in the cave for a long ass time.
00:40:47.000In the movie, I think it's called What Women Want, Mel Gibson reads this woman's brain because he can hear people's thoughts.
00:40:52.000And he says back to her exactly what she was just thinking: like, I wish a man would come up to me and just say, I'm going to take you out for dinner.
00:41:36.000So if you're a dirt-poor peasant in the Philippines who lives under corrugated tin and your dad sleeps with pigs, the guy that you get is going to suck.
00:45:34.000Like, if this was your best friend saying this, and he was drinking a Coke, and you're having a BLT at a diner, and she said that, you'd go, Are you going to a marks on Thursday?
00:45:59.000And she's using drag queen talk to make her jokes.
00:46:02.000Elizabeth Hackett, every woman's wardrobe needs black dress, white blouse, cursed necklace purchased at garage sale that allows her to move furniture just by thinking about it.
00:46:16.000Ashley Nicole Black, all I need is someone to tell me that making a bunch of epaulettes and sewing them on all my clothes is a bad use of this time.
00:47:54.000So you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing?
00:47:58.000And then they have a silent back and forth.
00:48:00.000And then fairy godmother says, look what I can do to this pumpkin.
00:48:05.000That's a well-structured joke, and it's a good point.
00:48:07.000By the way, speaking of good points, I realized the other day that the cop at the beginning of Rambo was right.
00:48:13.000He didn't want Rambo in his town because he sensed that this guy has a potential to do a lot of damage to his town, which is what happened.
00:48:23.000So I know the guy only fucks with you if you fuck with him, but I don't want some drunk teenager going home once and drawing first blood, and the next thing you know, my town blows up.
00:53:38.000Yeah, he's definitely into weird stuff.
00:53:41.000By the way, this was on my radar because one of the comments below it said, this is stand-up comedy.
00:53:47.000And then Netflix, who put it up, said, if you don't want to hear see beautiful women making awesome jokes, then you can go watch our other comedy specials.
00:55:24.000Like, who wakes up in the morning and goes, like, mmm, a chocolate khani gamma charo blow job that applause.
00:55:36.000Here's the other problem with female comedy.
00:55:38.000You need logic to point out something like my Rambo observation, right?
00:55:42.000But women tend not to be great at logic, so they don't understand stuff and then they think they have a valid philosophical question and they bring it up on stage.
00:55:50.000But all the men in the audience are going, some people insist on condoms when they blow a guy because they're worried about getting oral herpes or something.
00:58:47.000By the way, those last two videos: the Bonnie McFarlane, possibly crying, which is sort of re-going viral right now, even though it's from 2006, and that weird little balloon Indian.
00:59:06.000Those were both sent by a viewer named Tanner.
00:59:12.000I said that we had to work hard to build this pirate ship and have several layers, but one thing I didn't add is that we're constantly having to improve it because we're constantly getting attacked.
00:59:23.000Having to change the name from free speech to censored is nothing.
00:59:27.000We're getting these crazy hack things, DDoS attacks and malware.
00:59:33.000And then the hackers are sort of scarring our URL.
00:59:38.000So providers say, no, that's dangerous.
01:00:51.000I think it's more than 16 years, actually.
01:00:55.000We should have Caputo on the show again.
01:00:59.000And again, like I was saying to Anthony Kumia yesterday, I'll try to get the interview from them, but in Soviet Russia, you would be punished severely for wrongthink, and you'd have to go to a re-education camp.
01:01:47.000Did you know that a third of his budget, and his budget's big, let's say it's probably something like 10 million, 3.3 million would go to fighting frivolous lawsuits.
01:01:59.000And a third of his time is depositions.
01:02:03.000So he'll be sitting there with some bullshit lawsuit from some liberal, probably funded by globalists, where he has to answer questions for 12 hours.
01:04:57.000Gavin, I was watching an old episode yesterday, and in it, you said that you had not kissed, made out with your wife in years, and that once you are married in a few years, the whole kissing thing, holding hands, goes away.
01:06:25.000Apparently part of the reason why we kiss is so the male can pass off testosterone to the female in order to raise her libido closer to male's libido.
01:07:54.000Firstly, I know you guys are big fans of Sam Hyde.
01:07:56.000I don't know if you saw any of his Adult Swim show before the cucks who run Adult Swim put the kibosh on Sam and his brilliant satire of modern culture.
01:11:02.000I want you to look at yourself in the mirror right now, because this is the last time you're going to be looking this gay in your whole life.
01:14:33.000He was helping that kind of stuff was happening to these really privileged interns.
01:14:39.000So it was that kind of stuff was happening.
01:14:41.000So there was like regular work challenges happening, right?
01:14:44.000So how much interacting did you have with Biden?
01:14:48.000I would, well, it's because I was there.
01:14:50.000I would see him on and off quite a bit, but wouldn't necessarily talk with him.
01:14:56.000He was always breezing out, breezing in with his people that would stay around him, usually the upper level staff.
01:15:02.000And they usually kind of kept right with him.
01:15:05.000So, but once in a while, I would see him and he would just do that thing that guys do, you know, when they look you up and down and then smile and stuff.
01:15:16.000I mean, I, and back then, I just accepted it for what it was.
01:15:20.000When I talked about this discomfort that I had, I was really timid about it.
01:15:24.000I found myself getting more and more like withdrawn and timid about speaking out because of the atmosphere and because I was so closed down about hearing about it.
01:15:36.000She would just be like, you know, one of the things she said to me was, you know, the senator likes you.
01:15:40.000You know, most women would really like that attention.
01:15:44.000She goes, you know, I don't understand your attitude.
01:20:49.000Well, she's definitely showing more interest again, and I've been thinking about taking her out and then telling her I'd like to get serious with her.
01:22:09.000I would say I'm an eight and I also stay in shape.
01:22:11.000I don't want to be vain because this girl and I do match well, but I don't want to be with a fucking walrus, especially as my value continues to go up since I recently graduated as a mechanical engineer and already have a good job.
01:22:20.000I dated plenty of other girls in between and we haven't been talking, but none have compared.
01:22:26.000Should I keep playing the field and forget about this one or do I pursue because she always ends up back on my mind?
01:26:42.000But as you scroll over it, like with seven, it expands almost like your editing software there, Premiere, where you can zoom in on a sequence.
01:29:57.000I saw a video of this too, where a woman was being taken out of a sports stadium, and it's this gigantic black security guy, and she just fucking whacks him in the head as he's taking her outside.
01:31:09.000And another thing: the teachers' unions.
01:31:12.000The teachers' unions keep telling these middle-aged teachers that they're wonderful and they're doing the hardest job in the world and the future is with you.
01:31:20.000And it gives them this arrogance where they're like, yeah, and I see it when they walk down the street or the way they talk to people and pick up that litter.
01:31:33.000And by the way, the problem with that video that you just saw is people don't understand that when you want to put some cuffs on someone and they're resisting, it's really, really hard.
01:33:32.000Before you show it, look at everyone's reaction.
01:33:35.000So it says, warning, this video of Colorado PD officer beating a 14-year-old is sickening and demands immediate action.
01:33:46.000How many of these videos must we see before we do something about police violence in this country?
01:33:52.000Now, when I saw that video, or I saw this tweet before I saw the video, I don't like seeing cops act egregiously because I know they're putting other cops in danger.
01:34:00.000So I'm sort of crossing my fingers watching this going, oh no, I hope he's not just randomly beating the shit out of some little teenage black girl, right?
01:34:07.000Now, Julia Louise Dreyfus has clearly seen it, and she is so flabbergasted.
01:34:11.000All she can say is, God Almighty, end this violence.
01:34:15.000So you go, this is going to be pretty bad, right?
01:35:16.000And then it says, oh, when I saw that, I was like, I could totally see that in a police training thing as an example of a fair way to subdue someone resisting arrest.
01:36:12.000Imagine hanging out with any of these people.
01:36:16.000The community should know our deputies have a heart for the rancho, blah, blah, blah community, especially for the youth they serve, blah, blah, blah.
01:39:39.000So he goes, but his adrenaline was pumping so fast that with a centrifugal force, picked up his other foot, and he went flying through the air like a starfish.
01:43:18.000What kind of monster were you running from?
01:43:20.000You're supposed to have your flashlight away from you in case they shoot at it and maybe get some cover behind a gravestone and say, come out, get out.
01:43:44.000Dude, if you hear screaming in a graveyard, the odds are pretty high someone's getting raped or some fucking coyote just bit their pinky off.
01:43:52.000I thought you were going to say, if you hear a scream and you get fired, get in trouble.