Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes - S02E192 - HOW TO RAISE A KID PART 1： TEN PARENTING BASICS [2020-07-28 - S02E192 - HOW TO RAISE A KID PART 1： TEN PARENTING BASICS]

00:00:29.000 That was Canada's own trooper, which I'm sure zero people listening to the show are familiar with.

00:00:34.000 Raise a little hell, raise a little hell.

00:00:37.000 They were big in the 70s and 80s, and they were brought to my attention via CanCon.

00:00:44.000 In Canada, they don't want to compete with America, so they say 60% of your songs have to be Canadian content, CanCon.

00:00:52.000 So whenever I'm at the car with my wife in Canada, or whenever we visit there, she's like, what the fuck is this song?

00:01:00.000 And I go, it's Gowen, Strange Animal.

00:01:04.000 What are you talking about?

00:01:07.000 It's Where's Beulah?

00:01:09.000 What the hell was that band, that Ottawa band?

00:01:12.000 Where's Beulah?

00:01:13.000 Whoa.

00:01:15.000 Trooper had another hit.

00:01:16.000 There they are.

00:01:17.000 The boys in the bright white sports cars waving their arms in the air.

00:01:26.000 One of the lines in that song is, where did they get that car?

00:01:32.000 Eight seconds.

00:01:33.000 Where's Beulah?

00:01:34.000 Whoa.

00:01:35.000 This is what CanCon brings you.

00:01:45.000 This is plenty of good Canadian music, and we played it on the Canada Day episode, Day of Canada episode.

00:01:51.000 But yeah, communism and music do not go well together.

00:01:57.000 So the CanCon rules didn't help music.

00:01:59.000 And they go, well, if we didn't, then we'd just be overrun by American music.

00:02:03.000 Says who?

00:02:05.000 Did Iceland have that rule?

00:02:07.000 They gave us the sugar cubes.

00:02:10.000 I don't think that rule exists.

00:02:12.000 By the way, we'll be discussing Iceland updates in the mailbag.

00:02:16.000 We also have some letters from prison we'll be looking at in the mailbag.

00:02:21.000 But this is a special episode, and this episode is devoted to children.

00:02:25.000 As the virtue signaling to show you're not racist, has cost yet another black life, this time that of a one-year-old boy.

00:02:34.000 He's got his customized tiny casket there as he's rolled off to his grave.

00:02:43.000 New York is back to Dinkins' days, and the entire country's on fire.

00:02:48.000 So we're bored of talking about that.

00:02:50.000 So this episode, I just want to talk about raising kids.

00:02:53.000 It's been a common request in the mailbag, and I'm going to go through raising children, my children.

00:02:59.000 I had to be very selective with the photographs because I have lunatics try to kill me, so I have to be careful not to show my house or what my kids look like today.

00:03:07.000 The beauty of kids is they have a new face every few years.

00:03:10.000 So you can show young pictures of them, no problem.

00:03:13.000 It's kind of a weird thing, too.

00:03:14.000 I brought this up with the moms yesterday at the beach.

00:03:18.000 You have this kid, and he has all these traits, and then three years later, it's a different kid.

00:03:26.000 Now, they maintain some of the traits.

00:03:27.000 My daughter's hands always seem to be like this all the time.

00:03:31.000 When we tried skydiving in like a controlled environment with a big fan, she was, you know, hovering in the air like this, like a sloth.

00:03:39.000 Or as my youngest calls it, a slug.

00:03:43.000 But like my middle boy, he was the creative guy building robot uniforms out of cardboard and into the Ninja Turtles, wore a Spider-Man costume for four costumes worth.

00:03:55.000 Like he wore out four costumes.

00:03:57.000 So it was like two years, a year and a half.

00:03:59.000 They would smell bad.

00:04:00.000 They'd smell like pee in the front.

00:04:02.000 The sort of mesh thing here would wear away to shreds.

00:04:05.000 I'd have to buy a new one.

00:04:08.000 Now baseball.

00:04:10.000 Nothing but baseball.

00:04:11.000 Not drawing, nothing creative, just stats.

00:04:14.000 His friends are on his baseball team.

00:04:15.000 He's playing baseball.

00:04:16.000 He's watching baseball.

00:04:16.000 He's playing.

00:04:17.000 He's trading cards.

00:04:18.000 Of course, there's Fortnite too.

00:04:19.000 We'll get to that.

00:04:21.000 But yeah, I thought this would be a good time to take a break from the riots and the bullshit and the Black Lives Matter and talk about being a dad because that's ultimately the goal of this show and my career is to make up for my hedonistic days of vice where I told everyone to just fuck and bring back the Western family.

00:04:43.000 We shot last night's episode on Sunday night.

00:04:46.000 I had some technical difficulties, which are currently being fixed.

00:04:50.000 There was one little minor blip problem with it.

00:04:53.000 But I did that so I go to the beach today with the family.

00:04:57.000 Not Jones Beach, near Jones Beach, where they saw a shark yesterday, by the way.

00:05:01.000 But Robert Moses Beach.

00:05:04.000 Massive beach.

00:05:05.000 Basically, it's Fire Island.

00:05:07.000 Can you pull that up on a map?

00:05:10.000 It's about an hour from the Burbs on Long Island, which, ironically, Robert Moses designed to be black-free.

00:05:20.000 He made all the bridges small and short so that public city buses couldn't get there.

00:05:26.000 And of course, that leaves you with a lot of Puerto Ricans.

00:05:31.000 There it is.

00:05:32.000 Zoom out.

00:05:33.000 I have trouble with my, I think GPS is fucked with our minds and we don't develop a good picture.

00:05:44.000 But when you get into Long Island and Fire Island and Long Beach.

00:05:50.000 Okay, so that's Long Island is the big fat part we're looking at.

00:05:54.000 Right?

00:05:55.000 Yeah.

00:05:56.000 So Manhattan is here.

00:05:58.000 Manhattan looks like an uncircumcised penis, but then it sort of splits into two.

00:06:03.000 And one is Long Island, which is Jews and Italians.

00:06:07.000 And the other is Westchester, which is richer Jews and wasps, basically.

00:06:16.000 They have MS-13 as well.

00:06:18.000 And of course, MS-13.

00:06:19.000 MS-13 is more Long Island.

00:06:20.000 So zoom out a bit.

00:06:22.000 The peace sign is on its side.

00:06:24.000 So the bottom finger you're looking at is Long Island.

00:06:27.000 That's where Anthony Coome and other blue collars who made it big go.

00:06:31.000 And then the old money goes to the, it's not really a finger, but that other part that sort of expands into Connecticut.

00:06:38.000 So Stanford is Connecticut.

00:06:40.000 New Rochelle is still pretty working class.

00:06:44.000 It's basically an extension of the Bronx, and then it gets more gentrified right after New Rochelle.

00:06:49.000 Though there's plenty of rich people in New Rochelle.

00:06:53.000 You know what's weird about New Rochelle?

00:06:54.000 There's plenty of rich people.

00:06:55.000 There's plenty of abandoned mansions as the gentrification and the black community sort of touch.

00:07:02.000 So you'll see a $2 million home, and then next to it you'll see what was once a $2 million home and is now just a dilapidated mansion with weeds growing up.

00:07:12.000 This is along the 95.

00:07:14.000 So, look at this.

00:07:16.000 Jeez.

00:07:18.000 Pretty good.

00:07:22.000 You're an extra sketch.

00:07:23.000 If I was to push your face into this and then pull away, I think your face would be here.

00:07:27.000 Do you want to try it?

00:07:28.000 Come on.

00:07:28.000 No.

00:07:29.000 For the show, yeah.

00:07:30.000 It's for the show.

00:07:31.000 Let's get you down here.

00:07:37.000 No, no.

00:07:38.000 It has to be your entire face.

00:07:39.000 It has to be straight in.

00:07:41.000 Mm-hmm.

00:07:41.000 You ready?

00:07:42.000 You're going to have to hold your breath.

00:07:43.000 Don't hurt my nose, please.

00:07:44.000 Ready?

00:07:46.000 Hold your breath.

00:07:47.000 Well, it's not that hard, but...

00:07:48.000 Hold your breath.

00:07:49.000 Ready?

00:07:49.000 Holy shit, that worked way better than I thought.

00:08:00.000 Wow.

00:08:01.000 Great African features you have.

00:08:03.000 Ooh, there's snot droplets.

00:08:05.000 I laughed into your stomach.

00:08:07.000 Gross.

00:08:08.000 That's my defense mechanism.

00:08:09.000 You snotted my stomach.

00:08:10.000 Look at these nips.

00:08:11.000 These high beams.

00:08:12.000 All three of them.

00:08:13.000 Boop, boop, boop, boop, boop.

00:08:14.000 So yeah, we drive down there.

00:08:14.000 Hey.

00:08:18.000 You got to get there super early to get parking because everyone's freaking out in this heat wave.

00:08:21.000 It's 95 to 100.

00:08:22.000 And I'm sure all you southerners go, what the fuck?

00:08:25.000 That's nothing, bitch.

00:08:26.000 It's a lot for us.

00:08:28.000 It's a fuck load.

00:08:30.000 My air conditioner in my house is looking at me going, dude, I need help.

00:08:34.000 And I just...

00:08:35.000 It goes, Gav?

00:08:36.000 Gav?

00:08:37.000 And I just walk by not looking at it like...

00:08:39.000 And it goes, I need maybe even an hour off?

00:08:41.000 And I just...

00:08:42.000 And I go to my back door.

00:08:44.000 And then I just...

00:08:45.000 In my peripheral vision, we met eyes for like one second.

00:08:48.000 And it was like...

00:08:49.000 And I just went...

00:08:51.000 I felt terrible.

00:08:52.000 But my family needs to live.

00:08:54.000 Sorry, AC.

00:08:55.000 But even the AC's running out.

00:08:58.000 It was 77 in the house last night.

00:08:59.000 And it was set to like...

00:09:01.000 69.

00:09:02.000 69!

00:09:03.000 That's how you do a 69.

00:09:06.000 I was too much of indecence.

00:09:09.000 You guys want to get horny?

00:09:09.000 Look at that.

00:09:11.000 Look at that.

00:09:12.000 69.

00:09:13.000 I don't like the butt shake.

00:09:16.000 So I get there.

00:09:19.000 And I'm the Sherpa.

00:09:21.000 And by the way, I think she invited me so she could have margaritas on the beach with her friends.

00:09:25.000 And have a designated driver.

00:09:28.000 So like a Sherpa, I lug this thing with 80 boogie boards we're never going to use.

00:09:32.000 And 15 chairs we're not going to sit in.

00:09:35.000 Because the kids are running around.

00:09:36.000 I finally get there.

00:09:38.000 I make that face.

00:09:40.000 To the moms.

00:09:41.000 And then I realize there's like one, two, three, four moms there.

00:09:45.000 And me.

00:09:47.000 What have we done?

00:09:50.000 What have I done?

00:09:51.000 Yes, I got the show out early on Sunday.

00:09:54.000 Worked Sunday night.

00:09:55.000 But there's a million things I could be doing.

00:09:57.000 I could be working on this Justice for Liberty charity.

00:10:00.000 The website.

00:10:01.000 We're having some serious problems.

00:10:02.000 I could be.

00:10:05.000 Our t-shirts are down.

00:10:06.000 The t-shirt site's down.

00:10:08.000 I could be working on that.

00:10:09.000 Rebuilding that.

00:10:10.000 The fucking.

00:10:11.000 What am I doing?

00:10:12.000 And I don't like the beach.

00:10:15.000 So I'm there under an umbrella.

00:10:16.000 The women are gossiping like crazy little fucking ducks.

00:10:21.000 And then I'm about 10 feet behind them under an umbrella just reading the post.

00:10:25.000 Now my eldest boy was having a great time.

00:10:28.000 Because all his baseball team was there.

00:10:29.000 But my daughter's bored.

00:10:32.000 And then my littlest.

00:10:33.000 The waves were too intense.

00:10:35.000 Like the.

00:10:36.000 You're on the fucking Pacific Ocean, right?

00:10:39.000 Is that the dumbest thing I've ever said?

00:10:41.000 It is.

00:10:41.000 It's the Atlantic Ocean.

00:10:42.000 The Atlantic Ocean.

00:10:43.000 Yes.

00:10:44.000 It's right.

00:10:44.000 And.

00:10:46.000 Like the next stop is Europe.

00:10:47.000 So the waves come in pretty hard.

00:10:49.000 Now if there's a nice break to them you can body surf.

00:10:52.000 But it's not usually that.

00:10:53.000 It's usually like.

00:10:54.000 It breaks here.

00:10:55.000 And the sand is here.

00:10:57.000 So we used to body surf in Costa Rica all the time.

00:11:00.000 But you body surf there.

00:11:01.000 And by the time you catch the wave.

00:11:02.000 You look down and you're just looking at sand.

00:11:04.000 So you've got to sort of pull your feet down.

00:11:07.000 And land.

00:11:09.000 It's much nicer than that.

00:11:10.000 And you look.

00:11:10.000 Is that.

00:11:11.000 Is this.

00:11:11.000 Robert Moses.

00:11:13.000 No no it's.

00:11:13.000 Robert Moses.

00:11:14.000 Wait.

00:11:15.000 There we go.

00:11:15.000 That's more like it.

00:11:15.000 Yeah that's it.

00:11:16.000 It's a little more populated than that right now.

00:11:19.000 Teensy.

00:11:19.000 Yeah where did they.

00:11:20.000 Teensy.

00:11:21.000 This must have been in February.

00:11:22.000 During a fucking cold snap.

00:11:22.000 Right.

00:11:24.000 Uh.

00:11:26.000 It was crammed.

00:11:27.000 About.

00:11:29.000 I would say a third Puerto Rican.

00:11:31.000 A third.

00:11:32.000 Ethnically ambiguous Armenian or something.

00:11:34.000 A third white.

00:11:35.000 Trash.

00:11:36.000 So my people.

00:11:38.000 I felt comfortable there.

00:11:39.000 Not like fucking croting on point.

00:11:41.000 Jesus Christ.

00:11:43.000 The ugliest.

00:11:45.000 Fattest.

00:11:45.000 Puerto Ricans in the world.

00:11:47.000 You know those sort of Puerto Ricans where.

00:11:48.000 They're so used to getting laid that they don't know they're disgusting fat pigs.

00:11:52.000 So they wear a skimpy bikini.

00:11:53.000 Yeah they show it off.

00:11:55.000 And their gut is hanging.

00:11:56.000 You can't see the bikini.

00:11:57.000 Lady you don't need a bikini.

00:11:59.000 Because the back is going up your crack.

00:12:01.000 So I don't see that.

00:12:02.000 And then the front is covered by your gun.

00:12:04.000 So I can't see that.

00:12:05.000 There it is.

00:12:06.000 Worst beach in New York State.

00:12:08.000 Croton on point.

00:12:10.000 Look at that.

00:12:11.000 Nice little hut.

00:12:12.000 You're not going to get a kayak to rent by the way folks.

00:12:14.000 Nice little fucking porta potties.

00:12:16.000 Puerto potties.

00:12:18.000 Look at it.

00:12:19.000 Because of the Puerto Ricans.

00:12:21.000 And again.

00:12:22.000 They must have filmed this in February during a fucking cold snap.

00:12:26.000 Because it's way more packed than that.

00:12:29.000 Anyway.

00:12:29.000 During COVID.

00:12:33.000 So we did that.

00:12:35.000 Got very hot.

00:12:37.000 Ryan went back upstate this weekend.

00:12:40.000 And got this much pussy.

00:12:42.000 That's correct.

00:12:43.000 But I did get a bunch of other cool things.

00:12:46.000 Like what?

00:12:47.000 A new set of cards?

00:12:49.000 you get another corn pipe no more some more doogles for your crocs i got uh guitar strings and oh so it was an eventful weekend for ryan He's not wasting his youth.

00:13:01.000 They say youth is wasted on the young.

00:13:03.000 This guy had three days to go back to his hometown and fuck all the old tang he used to have.

00:13:07.000 And he spent it getting guitar strings and what?

00:13:11.000 Like a little hook for my headphones for my home studio.

00:13:14.000 And you couldn't order that on Amazon.

00:13:17.000 I ate at Friday's.

00:13:18.000 That was mediocre.

00:13:19.000 That really wasn't too good.

00:13:21.000 Ate at one of the biggest chains in the world?

00:13:23.000 Okay.

00:13:24.000 Did you also buy some socks at Walmart?

00:13:27.000 Yes.

00:13:28.000 Wait, did you guess that?

00:13:29.000 Wait, I swear I bought underwear and socks at Walmart.

00:13:35.000 Are you lying?

00:13:36.000 No.

00:13:37.000 Now I'm wearing brand new socks.

00:13:46.000 I also, I didn't get to, but I wanted to go see Jaws because the local movie theater, they're still closed on the inside.

00:13:52.000 So fortunately, the theater to see the movie Care is also shut down.

00:14:00.000 Okay.

00:14:02.000 And it has no hope of reopening.

00:14:06.000 The seats are covered in cobwebs.

00:14:08.000 No opening.

00:14:09.000 That doesn't make sense.

00:14:10.000 You can't just put words together.

00:14:15.000 Anyway, let's start the show.

00:14:16.000 So we will have the mailbag later on.

00:14:19.000 Tomorrow we'll keep you with the rioters and all that shit that's getting you.

00:14:23.000 We're all getting annoyed by it right now, which is good news for Trump.

00:14:26.000 Ryan was saying his grandparents, he calls them my parents, but his parents weren't around.

00:14:31.000 My parents become more pro-Trump every time I go back.

00:14:35.000 Every time, yeah.

00:14:36.000 And that's America, by the way.

00:14:38.000 Like I just saw this place getting vandalized for having a sign in their window that says, no one got shot doing the dishes.

00:14:46.000 And you can see the name of their company.

00:14:47.000 So I found them.

00:14:48.000 They're way out in PA, like near Akron, Ohio.

00:14:50.000 And I just emailed them.

00:14:51.000 I said, dude, I know it seems like you're under siege and the world's lost its mind and you feel vulnerable.

00:14:59.000 The rest of us, the other 95% are watching this on Reddit going, fuck these bastards.

00:15:07.000 Go Trump.

00:15:08.000 Four more years, bitch.

00:15:11.000 And we were going to be supporting Ted Cruz after that in 2024, but he let us down with this bullshit about Proud Boys.

00:15:19.000 Talk crap on the Proud Boys?

00:15:20.000 Unprovoked.

00:15:21.000 Bigoted morons.

00:15:22.000 They're bigoted.

00:15:22.000 I'll say it right now.

00:15:23.000 They're bigoted morons.

00:15:25.000 What a bigoted and moronic thing to say.

00:15:28.000 Anyway, this episode is how to raise kids.

00:15:31.000 And I'm going to get up there and we're going to go through the birthing process for men.

00:15:38.000 And I don't mean woman who identifies men.

00:15:40.000 I mean what to do as a dad when you're there.

00:15:42.000 This is obviously going to be a very dadocentric perspective, this show.

00:15:47.000 And we're going to go to the various stages.

00:15:48.000 I've broken it up into like one to four is kind of one kind of kid.

00:15:53.000 And then they change.

00:15:55.000 It's weird too, like when they go from little kid to kid, it's a day.

00:16:00.000 You'll see they eat their faces off one day and you go, wait, you're having more Casadillas?

00:16:04.000 Yes, I pronounce it Canadian.

00:16:06.000 And then the next day, this little kid comes out of his room and he's got long legs.

00:16:11.000 He's like, hi, what's going on?

00:16:13.000 What did you do to my little boy?

00:16:15.000 Oh, he's gone, motherfucker.

00:16:18.000 Yeah, that's how you got here.

00:16:21.000 I get it.

00:16:22.000 But where are you?

00:16:24.000 I'm a kid now.

00:16:25.000 I don't say slog.

00:16:27.000 I say sloth.

00:16:28.000 I don't say busy.

00:16:30.000 I say dizzy.

00:16:31.000 Aka nauseous.

00:16:35.000 my son's on a cover of a magazine oh someone commented on parlor and said my son's face is My son is on the cover of a magazine.

00:16:47.000 My son's on the cover of a magazine.

00:16:53.000 Dear God, when is that going to get old?

00:16:56.000 My son's on the cover of a magazine.

00:17:00.000 He deserves a gold medal in the eyebrow Olympics.

00:17:04.000 I can't even do it.

00:17:07.000 I could do it.

00:17:09.000 My son's on the cover of a magazine.

00:17:11.000 No, he starts with his eyes open.

00:17:13.000 My son's on the cover of a magazine.

00:17:16.000 No, it's close, but the head.

00:17:18.000 My son's on the cover of a magazine.

00:17:20.000 See, I put my eyebrows up too high.

00:17:24.000 His eyebrows go up and then the eyes open.

00:17:28.000 God, I'd love to get him on the show and just have him coach us through that.

00:17:31.000 That'd be amazing.

00:17:32.000 I want to start getting fake interviews on the show.

00:17:36.000 Yeah, there's a guy in my neighborhood who had a, who boycotted, started a boycott in my community against a tech store, Mac Inspires, it was called.

00:17:46.000 I believe his name is John Berger, B-E-R-G-I-R.

00:17:50.000 And he bankrupted the fucking store.

00:17:52.000 They said they work on Nazi computers there.

00:17:55.000 The store's bankrupt.

00:17:56.000 It was an immigrant who owned it.

00:17:58.000 He's still unemployed.

00:18:00.000 And this guy's a writer for Fortune magazine.

00:18:03.000 What a piece of shit.

00:18:04.000 Anyway, it'd be fun to get him on the show, talk to him about the economics, and then talk to him about boycotts and how couldn't they shut down some poor immigrants business for no fucking reason, you asshole.

00:18:13.000 Or that guy, the kangaroo story, kangaroo boy, who did the thing on Vox.

00:18:20.000 Did you see this?

00:18:21.000 Do you watch censored.tv at all?

00:18:23.000 Yes.

00:18:24.000 The kangaroo did a thing on that fake hate crime, and its name is V-A-U-X-X.

00:18:30.000 Play enough video games there, Mom?

00:18:33.000 Because we know dad wasn't around for the naming.

00:18:36.000 Vox.

00:18:37.000 Just look at Censored TV's recent things.

00:18:40.000 What the fuck are you looking at?

00:18:42.000 It's down a little more.

00:18:47.000 Yeah, the lynching.

00:18:48.000 The fake lynching of what's his name?

00:18:50.000 Vox Booker.

00:18:51.000 Booker.

00:18:51.000 Vox Booker.

00:18:52.000 And when he talks of, oh, V-A-U-G-H-X-X.

00:18:56.000 When he talks about that he was almost lynched, which is the most bullshit story you'll ever see.

00:19:01.000 I highly recommend you watch this video.

00:19:03.000 It would be so cool to get him on the show and tell him the show is called like, get wise, get woke or something.

00:19:12.000 And then just talk to him about what happened.

00:19:13.000 And then I start crying.

00:19:15.000 Like I go.

00:19:16.000 And at that point, sorry.

00:19:19.000 I promised I wasn't going to do this.

00:19:21.000 At that point, did you think that you might die?

00:19:25.000 And maybe we could cry together?

00:19:26.000 Imagine how fucking good that would be?

00:19:28.000 He's like, I didn't know, but I thought, if I do, it'll be on my terms.

00:19:36.000 What?

00:19:37.000 You're getting lynched on a twig.

00:19:40.000 I'm not sure the tree that he was talking about could be responsible or be used to lynch a gecko.

00:19:49.000 I'm literally not sure.

00:19:52.000 No.

00:19:52.000 Is that him?

00:19:54.000 Kangaroo plays videos when he's talking.

00:19:58.000 All right, also, before we get started talking about these kids, there's some things I want to make clear.

00:20:02.000 A lot of myths about having kids.

00:20:03.000 People say, oh, I can barely take care of my cat.

00:20:05.000 I couldn't handle a kid.

00:20:07.000 All you have to do is be present.

00:20:09.000 That's it.

00:20:10.000 Keep them, if you, well, what about screens?

00:20:13.000 Yeah, if you're there and they're on a screen, you're not really present.

00:20:17.000 You're just in the same room as them.

00:20:19.000 You got to be around.

00:20:20.000 Now, if they're bored or if they're doing a thing, then, yeah, you don't have to bug them.

00:20:25.000 But you have to be around, especially as a dad, especially with a girl, especially as she gets older.

00:20:30.000 They're not going to tell you all the gossip.

00:20:31.000 But if you're always there, always available for questions, it's like being a corrections officer or a security guard.

00:20:38.000 Like Jennifer Aniston has these round-the-clock security guards.

00:20:41.000 I think they're Israeli, by the way.

00:20:42.000 Krav Maga guys.

00:20:44.000 She probably doesn't see them for days at a time.

00:20:46.000 That's fine, but they're always there, ready.

00:20:48.000 And if she were to come in and say, hey, someone said they're going to come by and kill me tonight.

00:20:52.000 We're ready.

00:20:52.000 Got it.

00:20:54.000 That's kind of what being a dad to a teenage girl is, and it's kind of what being a dad is like.

00:21:00.000 Of course, you have to play with them and stuff, but not really that much.

00:21:04.000 They don't really want to play with you that much, especially after the age of, say, eight.

00:21:09.000 Another myth I want to dispel is this study, and Lauren Southern was pretty good about blowing this myth.

00:21:18.000 The study that says that parents are less happy after they have kids.

00:21:23.000 That is technically true.

00:21:27.000 But you could also say adults are less happy than newborns.

00:21:33.000 Like, speaking of woke, you are in a new level of awareness after you have kids.

00:21:39.000 You're reborn.

00:21:42.000 And the petty ways you found joy before you were born, like buying a guitar string or having zooglers on your Crocs, that is nothing.

00:21:52.000 That doesn't exist anymore.

00:21:53.000 And now what you derive happiness from is, like, my kid is happy, healthy, and just discovered something that they adore to do, whatever it is, drawing or something.

00:22:05.000 You get happiness from that.

00:22:07.000 And then if your kid isn't feeling fulfilled or seems depressed, they always say you're only as happy as your least happy kid, then you feel down.

00:22:14.000 But that's like saying an Olympic athlete is more frustrated with his skills than someone who can barely throw a javelin.

00:22:23.000 Yeah, but the guy who can barely throw a javelin isn't in the same sphere, isn't in the same universe as the Olympic javelin thrower.

00:22:32.000 So once you get up to here, you're a fucking concert pianist.

00:22:37.000 And to say that you don't feel as good about your music as you did before, it just means you have a higher standard of music.

00:22:44.000 That reminds me of another analogy I always say.

00:22:48.000 Imagine you lived on a planet where everyone had to play piano to live.

00:22:54.000 And that powered the sun.

00:22:56.000 It powered electricity.

00:22:58.000 It was just a thing.

00:22:59.000 So everyone learns piano.

00:23:01.000 Yeah, it sucks to learn the piano.

00:23:02.000 It's hard.

00:23:03.000 You've got to practice.

00:23:04.000 But eventually you're like...

00:23:06.000 Ding-dong-dong-dong-dong.

00:23:10.000 Ding-dong-dong-dong.

00:23:12.000 Ding-dong.

00:23:15.000 Ding-dong-dong-dong.

00:23:16.000 Ding-dong-dong-dong-dong-dong-dong.

00:23:21.000 Chillo, you've got a bass.

00:23:23.000 And not only are you enjoying the skill with the piano, you're powering the world.

00:23:31.000 You're fulfilling your role as a human.

00:23:32.000 And being good at it, if you will.

00:23:35.000 It's not that hard to be good at it.

00:23:38.000 And I know you will.

00:23:40.000 Okay.

00:23:42.000 So, maybe you could pull up some cards for this, Rye guy.

00:23:48.000 Here's point number one I want to say.

00:23:51.000 Five things you need to hide from your kids.

00:23:58.000 Number one.

00:23:59.000 You don't have to make...

00:24:00.000 Yeah, I'd like you to make a card for this, too.

00:24:02.000 Number one.

00:24:04.000 The truth...

00:24:05.000 Well, this is obviously in the notes.

00:24:07.000 Okay.

00:24:09.000 Right?

00:24:10.000 Yes.

00:24:10.000 Ryan showed me a clip today of that awkward first kiss on TLC.

00:24:17.000 He goes, I'm not sure if you've seen this.

00:24:19.000 Even if you have, it's really good.

00:24:23.000 It is really good.

00:24:24.000 It's not only is it the most viral video ever in the history of man when it comes to our interests, but I talked about it a billion times.

00:24:32.000 I think I've been on other shows talking about it.

00:24:35.000 And we tracked down the guy in the video and made fun of his acting reel.

00:24:40.000 Yes.

00:24:41.000 But imagine working in this medium and showing your boss this video to blow his mind.

00:24:48.000 No one's seen this.

00:24:51.000 Like the second I saw her weird Asian face, I was like, oh, I remember her.

00:24:54.000 And then from there, things take off.

00:24:56.000 And who knows, maybe she's my first girlfriend.

00:24:58.000 I want to do a documentary about people who haven't seen this video.

00:25:01.000 I think there's a guy who lives in Alaska who's off the grid.

00:25:04.000 There's a 94-year-old Mexican grandma who has no eyes.

00:25:09.000 And then there's a newborn baby.

00:25:12.000 Well, only nine million people have seen this.

00:25:15.000 And that's not the majority of the people in the world.

00:25:18.000 Hello.

00:25:18.000 It is a lot of people.

00:25:19.000 How's it going?

00:25:20.000 How are you?

00:25:20.000 Good.

00:25:21.000 Good.

00:25:21.000 What's your name?

00:25:22.000 Emily.

00:25:23.000 I'm Josh.

00:25:24.000 What's the breather?

00:25:24.000 Hi.

00:25:25.000 What's your dentist name, Josh?

00:25:26.000 Nobody?

00:25:27.000 Can I kiss you?

00:25:32.000 Sure.

00:25:33.000 Ancient Chinese secret.

00:25:39.000 Chinese man.

00:25:40.000 Well, his update is that he went full-blown conspiracy theorists.

00:25:45.000 Macho man.

00:25:46.000 Who wears elbow socks.

00:25:46.000 Yes.

00:25:49.000 Yeah.

00:25:50.000 Let me see here.

00:25:52.000 I closed it.

00:25:54.000 But, yeah, he's done some weird shit.

00:25:56.000 You can dig it up.

00:25:58.000 Just put his name.

00:25:58.000 Josh.

00:26:00.000 First kiss.

00:26:00.000 Love it.

00:26:01.000 There we go.

00:26:02.000 Josh.

00:26:02.000 And then I got...

00:26:04.000 John.

00:26:04.000 And then I got...

00:26:06.000 Macho man.

00:26:06.000 Okay.

00:26:07.000 I think I got it here.

00:26:10.000 well this is his act how he dresses now but this he's also acting but he does dress like that i'm back i got your red buffoons you wanted blue?

00:26:21.000 All right, so number one.

00:26:22.000 So five things you need to hide from your kids.

00:26:24.000 And this is sort of your job.

00:26:26.000 Remember Roberto Benini in It's a Beautiful Life or whatever?

00:26:30.000 So this is an unfortunate analogy, but the Holocaust is happening.

00:26:34.000 He's a Jew and he's in the concentration camps.

00:26:37.000 And he's determined not to show his kids that they're there.

00:26:40.000 So when he sees the pile of dead bodies in one scene, he makes sure his kids never look away.

00:26:44.000 And he pretends it's a wonderful life.

00:26:48.000 It's a beautiful life is not the movie.

00:26:51.000 Life is beautiful.

00:26:51.000 Yeah, life is beautiful.

00:26:52.000 Yes.

00:26:53.000 So that's the only thing that came up.

00:26:57.000 And he's dancing around the whole movie.

00:26:59.000 Like, don't look over there.

00:27:00.000 Look over here.

00:27:00.000 Oh, it's a fun adventure.

00:27:01.000 Ooh, we're trying to ration our food.

00:27:03.000 Let's see how little we can eat.

00:27:04.000 Hey, hey, although those guys are pretending to be mean.

00:27:06.000 And I feel like that's a big part of parenting.

00:27:10.000 Like when I took Johnny to that shitty beach, I said, we're going to make a gamble.

00:27:13.000 Let's have an adventure.

00:27:16.000 And we did that.

00:27:19.000 And the gamble didn't turn out.

00:27:21.000 Oh, well.

00:27:22.000 As opposed to like, here we go.

00:27:23.000 Oh, this beach sucks.

00:27:24.000 I guess we'll go.

00:27:25.000 What a waste of a day.

00:27:26.000 It was like, we rolled the dice.

00:27:28.000 Oh, snake eyes.

00:27:31.000 What's going on?

00:27:32.000 Nothing.

00:27:33.000 What's the video?

00:27:36.000 10 Ways to Celebrate Christmas?

00:27:37.000 Why is that up?

00:27:39.000 Because I read ahead and I see Santa Claus.

00:27:43.000 Okay.

00:27:45.000 But show more of Roberto Benini in Holocaust.

00:27:52.000 Yeah, none of that.

00:27:53.000 You know, that's his happy life.

00:27:54.000 Directed by and imagination.

00:27:59.000 Mom's going away.

00:28:00.000 It's fun.

00:28:02.000 So he was a rich socialite.

00:28:04.000 Wait, they don't show the Holocaust?

00:28:08.000 Anyway, that's what we're doing.

00:28:09.000 Did they really hide that?

00:28:11.000 Was that like a reveal in the movie?

00:28:14.000 Yeah, but it's 99% of the movie.

00:28:16.000 Huh.

00:28:18.000 Anyway, that's what you got to do as a parent.

00:28:20.000 So there's five things you have to hide from them to be successful.

00:28:24.000 Number one, Santa.

00:28:28.000 You got to keep it going as long as possible.

00:28:30.000 I kept mine going for so long with my two elders, they never really told me when they gave up.

00:28:36.000 I think they think I believed in them.

00:28:37.000 I do remember I used to pay a guy 300 bucks to come in at like midnight and drop off presents.

00:28:44.000 I'd give him the presents, then he'd take them out of the bag and put them under the tree.

00:28:46.000 I woke up my kids once to see him.

00:28:48.000 I'm like, holy shit, he's fucking here, assholes.

00:28:50.000 No, I said, he's here, he's here.

00:28:52.000 And they were so tired.

00:28:54.000 You know, at that age, when you're five and six, they would just, they look up and then they go back to bed.

00:28:57.000 They had no recollection.

00:28:59.000 So I took pictures.

00:29:00.000 And then one year, my daughter was getting older.

00:29:02.000 She's maybe 10.

00:29:04.000 And I had a few drinks.

00:29:06.000 You know, you're with your family.

00:29:07.000 You haven't seen your brother in a year.

00:29:08.000 So you tend to have a few too many makers.

00:29:10.000 So I'm taking pictures a little too close.

00:29:12.000 And I show her the picture.

00:29:13.000 I go, I got pictures.

00:29:14.000 She goes, that one, you're right next to him.

00:29:16.000 How did you get that?

00:29:17.000 And I go, I think he saw me and he knew what I was doing.

00:29:20.000 But he kind of liked it because he wanted you to see him.

00:29:23.000 And she just, I'll never forget this till the day I die.

00:29:25.000 She goes, oh.

00:29:28.000 And I went, oh, fuck, I think I blew it.

00:29:30.000 Anyway, 10 is good.

00:29:31.000 If you can make it till 10, you deserve a pat on the back.

00:29:35.000 Nice work.

00:29:37.000 Be very careful with the movie Gremlins.

00:29:39.000 She says, that's when I found out Santa didn't exist.

00:29:43.000 Don't let them watch that movie.

00:29:45.000 If she is going to say it's Phoebe Cates, and if she starts talking about a chimney, just hit fast forward.

00:29:52.000 Number two, all this race crap.

00:29:57.000 Just like I was saying about Roberto Benini, the talk is the worst thing you can do.

00:30:00.000 There's, and they should have said allegedly, there's this thing, racism, that's super important and defines everyone's life.

00:30:09.000 And if you're black, you're a second-class citizen, the cops will shoot you.

00:30:13.000 If you're white, you get all these favors and all these doors magically open up for you.

00:30:18.000 I don't know why Asians, Jews, Lebanese, new African immigrants, Australians, all have more of this imaginary privilege.

00:30:27.000 We're not going to talk about that, but just focus on like, if you're black, you're dead.

00:30:31.000 And if you're white, you get a red carpet.

00:30:33.000 That's the worst thing you can do to a kid.

00:30:35.000 That's child abuse.

00:30:36.000 You should be arrested for that.

00:30:39.000 I think you should do the opposite and just not even tell a kid that his friends are black.

00:30:44.000 When we lived in Brooklyn, inevitably, a lot of my eldest boy's friends were black.

00:30:48.000 This is when he was maybe five, six, seven.

00:30:51.000 And he said to me, and I count this as a feather in your cap if it ever happens.

00:30:55.000 He said, it's weird how so many of my friends have black skin.

00:30:59.000 Black skin.

00:31:00.000 He didn't even know the word black.

00:31:02.000 He just noticed that some friends were darker.

00:31:04.000 Now, obviously, race is going to become a thing because it gets shoved down our throats and we have to pull it out of our throats and say, fuck you, I'm not racist, blah, blah, blah.

00:31:14.000 Or, but until that happens and it's a reaction to, oh, whites suck?

00:31:21.000 No, actually, we're pretty good.

00:31:23.000 You don't want to start with whites are good.

00:31:24.000 You know what I mean?

00:31:25.000 That sounds terrible.

00:31:26.000 It sounds like I'm denying these white kids their identity.

00:31:31.000 But what I'm really saying is everyone should be denied a racial identity as much as possible until it's shoved in our face.

00:31:38.000 And then, all right, you want to know what's going on?

00:31:40.000 These assholes use it as a way to fucking brainwash other people and it's a propaganda tool used to ruin lies.

00:31:47.000 It's bullshit.

00:31:49.000 That's two.

00:31:50.000 Three, 9-11.

00:31:52.000 I don't want my kids being worried when they're in a building that a plane is going to hit them at any given time.

00:31:58.000 So I push 9-11 as far as I possibly can.

00:32:01.000 Unfortunately, no one else does.

00:32:03.000 So your kids find out about it around 9 or 10 too soon.

00:32:08.000 Yeah.

00:32:10.000 So I think you should push that off as long as possible.

00:32:13.000 Of course, you tell them the truth when it finally happens and we're at war with Islam and there's brutal corruption in the government.

00:32:18.000 We let Saudi Arabia get away with murder because they're a valuable financial asset to us.

00:32:23.000 And the rich and the elites fetishize their relationship with them.

00:32:27.000 We don't know how much of that was allowed By the government, there's a lot of conspiracy theories about it.

00:32:32.000 Never poo-poo conspiracy theories, look into them all.

00:32:35.000 But the world has a serious Islam problem, and they're a danger to us all, especially when their population gets above 10%, as you can see in London.

00:32:45.000 But that's way down the line.

00:32:47.000 Plus, politics in general, like it ostracizes kids.

00:32:50.000 I want them to be apolitical for as long as possible.

00:32:53.000 My daughter's been acting very PC recently, very concerned about the word faggot.

00:32:57.000 Good.

00:32:58.000 You're 13.

00:32:59.000 I want you to be.

00:33:02.000 If you're not left-wing when you're young, you have no heart.

00:33:05.000 If you're not right-wing when you're old, you have no brain.

00:33:08.000 Number four, sex.

00:33:10.000 It is weird.

00:33:12.000 Even today, you get an erection and it goes inside a woman's vagina and then you rub it around till it explodes.

00:33:20.000 That's weird.

00:33:22.000 That's weird.

00:33:24.000 What are you looking at?

00:33:26.000 Just B-roll, just passionate scene.

00:33:28.000 I typed.

00:33:29.000 Passionate scene.

00:33:32.000 So I want to push that as long as possible.

00:33:34.000 It's kind of good, too, when you finally do do the sex talk because it's so weird.

00:33:39.000 You go, okay, get this.

00:33:40.000 So the penis gets engorged with blood and blah, blah, blah.

00:33:42.000 And they go, what the fuck?

00:33:45.000 And now they want to get away from it even more.

00:33:50.000 When my friend Steve was young, he assumed that women had penises.

00:33:55.000 And the way you have sex is the woman's dink touches the man's dink, and they do what's called the dink kiss.

00:34:01.000 And I guess the fluids are exchanged via the foreskin.

00:34:04.000 You dock into the other penis.

00:34:06.000 Well, if that's the case, I might be infertile.

00:34:10.000 Infertile.

00:34:11.000 Infertile.

00:34:15.000 But around the time they're 13, you got to bring it up.

00:34:21.000 And with girls, you're stuck in a major conundrum as a Catholic pro-choicer, pro-lifer, sorry.

00:34:26.000 Whoops.

00:34:27.000 Freudian slip.

00:34:29.000 Of course, you don't want them to use birth control.

00:34:30.000 It's against your religion.

00:34:31.000 But on the other hand, you think, I don't really want my pro-life stance called bluff on.

00:34:37.000 We're all pro-life as we walk down the street.

00:34:40.000 In the trenches, though, your 13-year-old daughter's pregnant with a piece of shit that comes from the slums, and you know he's long gone, and it's basically going to be your kid.

00:34:56.000 So most parents just go, well, the pill.

00:34:58.000 The pill fucks up their lives.

00:35:01.000 You know, we talked about the pill before where it basically tells the girl's brain that she's pregnant.

00:35:07.000 So she wants to be around beta males, which I guess is good.

00:35:10.000 But here, a woman is in the years where she's learning attraction and men and her sexuality, and she's on a drug that makes her think she's pregnant the entire time.

00:35:19.000 So she's sort of, throughout her entire adolescence, she's being raised to think that she's into cucks.

00:35:26.000 And it's the drugs talking.

00:35:28.000 So then when she's finally off it, she's like, well, my type is Mick Kaplan.

00:35:33.000 M-Y-K.

00:35:34.000 Look him up.

00:35:35.000 This is who the pill tells you.

00:35:37.000 M-Y-K?

00:35:38.000 Yeah, you want to fuck.

00:35:39.000 Kaplan is a K. Kaplan is a K. Everyone knows that.

00:35:46.000 Gabe Kaplan.

00:35:47.000 So this is what the pill makes you think you want.

00:35:50.000 Look at that.

00:35:50.000 Oh, it's M-Y-Q.

00:35:52.000 Oh, did I say M-Y-K?

00:35:53.000 I apologize.

00:35:54.000 Oh, my God.

00:35:54.000 What a weird name.

00:35:56.000 Yeah, it's some weird Jewish name.

00:35:58.000 But look at that.

00:35:59.000 Like, you don't want your daughter marrying that.

00:36:01.000 You do want that around when she's in high school because you know nothing's going to happen.

00:36:06.000 He calls you dad.

00:36:07.000 Hey, dad, what's up, pops?

00:36:09.000 Hey, I want to ask you about your black eye.

00:36:11.000 What black eye?

00:36:13.000 That one.

00:36:17.000 So yeah, you want to push sex away for as long as possible with the ladies.

00:36:21.000 That's for sure.

00:36:22.000 And number five, divorce.

00:36:25.000 Just like 9-11, you don't want kids knowing, I shouldn't say thinking or worrying, knowing that at any moment, this could all be over.

00:36:37.000 And they have divorced friends, especially when they get to be like 9 or 10.

00:36:40.000 And they go, yeah, he doesn't really see his dad.

00:36:42.000 And he cries sometimes.

00:36:44.000 One time his dad was going to take him fishing and he started crying.

00:36:47.000 Remember Dale Aiken, my best friend when I was a little kid?

00:36:50.000 His dad was going to take him fishing and I go, oh, I guess I'll have to go home then.

00:36:53.000 You guys are going fishing?

00:36:54.000 And his dad called and said, I can't make it, son, again.

00:36:57.000 And he was crying.

00:36:58.000 And my dad was always in my life.

00:37:01.000 Too much.

00:37:02.000 Not a helicopter dad, but he was kind of a fascist.

00:37:05.000 So I didn't like him around because I had to do chores and shit.

00:37:08.000 And when Dale was crying, I remember looking at him going, why are you crying, dude?

00:37:13.000 You don't have to hang out with your dad.

00:37:15.000 That's like the best thing ever.

00:37:18.000 Not if you haven't seen your dad in two months.

00:37:21.000 So yeah, I don't want my kids knowing what divorce is.

00:37:23.000 So that was a fun little segment called The Five Things You Need to Hide from Your Kids.

00:37:27.000 Here's a couple others before we get to the life cycle of a dad.

00:37:33.000 You need alone time with each child.

00:37:35.000 I don't care if you have 12.

00:37:37.000 You need at least 20 minutes a week, has to be per week, where, I don't know, you walk the dog with one.

00:37:43.000 Like with my kid, I have my shows with my girl.

00:37:46.000 I have soccer, hitting a soccer ball around.

00:37:49.000 By the way, I'm not perfect.

00:37:50.000 This is all do as I say, not as I do.

00:37:52.000 And a lot of these I fail.

00:37:54.000 Sometimes I'll go two weeks and realize I didn't have a thing with my youngest.

00:37:57.000 And I avoid saying their names because of lunatics trying to terrorize my family.

00:38:01.000 But soccer with my youngest.

00:38:03.000 I have my shows I watch with my teenage girl.

00:38:06.000 We love what we do in the shadows.

00:38:08.000 We love 90 Day Fiancé.

00:38:10.000 Real Housewives is kind of my wife and my daughter's thing.

00:38:13.000 We kind of fight over that sometimes.

00:38:15.000 And I have, of course, baseball with the eldest boy, and that's from taking him to games, watching him play his games, watching the Mets with him, bucking Diaz and Famia.

00:38:24.000 We have the worst closers in the history of baseball.

00:38:26.000 We have an incredible team with two tumors.

00:38:29.000 And these tumors are our closers, Diaz and Famia.

00:38:32.000 Just fire them.

00:38:34.000 If this was any other job, they ruined the playoffs for us last year.

00:38:38.000 They ruined everything.

00:38:40.000 The Yankees' closers are so good that the seat's empty at 7 p.m.

00:38:44.000 I mean, 7 p.m. at the seventh inning.

00:38:46.000 You know why?

00:38:47.000 Because they know the game's over.

00:38:49.000 Whatever the score is on the seventh inning is the score.

00:38:52.000 Not us.

00:38:54.000 Two days ago, second game for the Mets, we had, it was like 5-2 or something in the ninth inning.

00:39:03.000 9th.

00:39:04.000 last it ended with, I think it was like 14-2.

00:39:10.000 Mikey, and then the next game, we have this new opener, that's a different problem.

00:39:15.000 Some new rookie kid, and we had 14-1 or something.

00:39:19.000 So I shouldn't have mentioned that because that's atypical.

00:39:21.000 The typical problem is these fucking closers!

00:39:26.000 I hate this fucking shit.

00:39:28.000 That's how I felt.

00:39:33.000 Here's another one.

00:39:34.000 And by the way, when you see all caps, Ryan, make it a card.

00:39:38.000 Gotcha.

00:39:39.000 Another big one, you get out what you put in.

00:39:41.000 I got this from a great book called The Happiest Baby on the Block.

00:39:44.000 There's another one called The Happiest Kid on the Block.

00:39:47.000 It's some frog writer who's really smart when it comes to parent raising.

00:39:51.000 I got to get rid of this fucking book, The Merchants of Truth.

00:39:54.000 It's Jill Abramson.

00:39:55.000 I put it up there as a joke because it's the worst book I've ever read, but I'm done advertising it.

00:39:59.000 Who wrote that?

00:40:03.000 Let's see him.

00:40:05.000 Harvey Karp?

00:40:06.000 Harvey Karp.

00:40:08.000 Harvey Karp knows his shit, and he had a great point.

00:40:10.000 Well, he had lots of great points.

00:40:12.000 One point he puts in is that he goes, the first, there's five trimesters.

00:40:19.000 Four in the womb, one out of the womb.

00:40:21.000 He goes, babies are born, or maybe there's four and three are in the womb, I forget.

00:40:25.000 But he goes, babies' heads are too big.

00:40:27.000 Unlike a horse or something where the body is bigger, the head is so big that it has to come out earlier or it's never going to come out.

00:40:34.000 So you're dealing with an unborn baby for the first nine weeks after it's born.

00:40:40.000 That's why you've got to go, shh, shh, because that sounds like the blood that it used to hear.

00:40:45.000 That's why you hold it tight.

00:40:47.000 You swaddle it super tight so it feels like it did in the womb.

00:40:52.000 That's why it has to be dark and everything when it's sleeping.

00:40:56.000 That was a really handy tip.

00:40:57.000 He also said, and this seems so intuitive, but you get out what you put in.

00:41:02.000 And it's like a store.

00:41:04.000 You ever have a store like at camp where your parents put in 15 bucks or something?

00:41:07.000 And you go there and you just say your name and you get jujubes or a Coke?

00:41:12.000 You're not allowed to have Coke at that age.

00:41:14.000 It's the same with kids.

00:41:16.000 So you play with them.

00:41:17.000 I don't care how stupid it is.

00:41:18.000 And we could be talking as young as four.

00:41:21.000 You play with them.

00:41:22.000 This might go below four.

00:41:24.000 And you put in like three hours.

00:41:26.000 And then you just notice after they listen to you more and they're cooler around you.

00:41:30.000 Conversely, you're away on a business trip for a week and you come back and say, get downstairs now.

00:41:34.000 They don't get downstairs right away.

00:41:36.000 But you take your kid to Mini Pot and your wife calls for dinner and you say, get down, guys, dinner.

00:41:43.000 Rushing down the stairs because you put in the time and you have a relationship.

00:41:47.000 Now, I believe this comes in in a big way with teenage girls where you've spent a lot of time with them.

00:41:53.000 They do something bad.

00:41:54.000 They try pot.

00:41:56.000 They kiss a boy.

00:41:58.000 They shoplift lipstick.

00:42:00.000 And you sit down with them and you go, what's going on?

00:42:03.000 Why are we here?

00:42:04.000 Why are we having this talk?

00:42:06.000 We have to go back to the store and apologize, first of all.

00:42:08.000 And you're going through the discipline, but depending how you found out the information, if you found it out on your own reconnaissance, you can bring down the hammer.

00:42:14.000 If she confessed the crime, you better not overreact or you're never going to get any more confessions.

00:42:20.000 So it's important that her idea of letting you down is devastating.

00:42:26.000 For example, my kids are Indians.

00:42:28.000 When they graduate high school, they get a massive check from the tribe that's been accruing their entire life.

00:42:35.000 I don't have any rights to that money.

00:42:37.000 Not that I want it, but I can't say you can't have this.

00:42:40.000 So what most Indians do is just get a Chevy S10 blazer and wrap it around a telephone pole in a week.

00:42:45.000 I have to make it clear to her.

00:42:47.000 They land in the jail cell.

00:42:49.000 Literally.

00:42:51.000 I have to make it clear to her and all the kids, all my little Indians, that if you fuck around with that money and do something stupid, you've broken my heart.

00:42:57.000 And that's a heart you don't want to break.

00:42:59.000 That's the key.

00:43:01.000 Your father's disappointment has to feel terrible.

00:43:05.000 And that all goes back to that, you get out what you put in.

00:43:08.000 I said that to my parents too.

00:43:10.000 They were like, your kids don't look at us.

00:43:12.000 And I go, you get out what you put in, you fool.

00:43:15.000 You sit and play Connect 4 for two hours.

00:43:18.000 You'll see a difference for, I don't know the exact math.

00:43:22.000 I would say 40 hours.

00:43:25.000 It's not two for two.

00:43:26.000 It's not tit for tat.

00:43:27.000 It's a lot of tats for one tit.

00:43:30.000 And that's why I got my backpiece done because I was breastfed.

00:43:35.000 I just got that.

00:43:36.000 Traditions are crucial is another one.

00:43:40.000 It doesn't matter what they are, but traditions add stability to the household.

00:43:44.000 So now that the kids are older and the spread is pretty bad, I wish we had two years, two years, two years.

00:43:50.000 But we have two years, two years, four years.

00:43:53.000 And it's harder to enforce things.

00:43:55.000 Back when I had a three-year-old and a five-year-old, it was easy to enforce art night, Taco Tuesdays, movie night, go out for dinner night, game night, some dumb, like Trivial Pursuit has this super cool version where it's adults have adult questions and kids get kid questions.

00:44:11.000 Now the seven-year-old doesn't know anything, so he can't participate, which is another problem with the four-year gap.

00:44:16.000 So you can easily make five different nights and you keep repeating those.

00:44:20.000 They're good.

00:44:21.000 I've still been doing that.

00:44:21.000 Pancake morning.

00:44:22.000 Now my teenager sleeps in too late.

00:44:24.000 But every Sunday since, so for 13 years, I've been doing, or maybe 10 years, I've been doing pancake mornings every Sunday.

00:44:31.000 I make pancakes.

00:44:32.000 I make them shapes depending on what they asked for.

00:44:33.000 I usually have to Google it because I've never heard of fucking a creeper in Minecraft.

00:44:39.000 But those, again, add stability.

00:44:41.000 And now your kids are less likely to go off with some bad crowd in the middle of the night and ignore your curfew or whatever.

00:44:47.000 The home has to have gravitas.

00:44:49.000 And the way you give a home gravitas is with tradition.

00:44:54.000 You know, a fun game as the kids get older is celebrity.

00:44:58.000 Well, there's two ways to play it.

00:44:59.000 One is you put a name on your back.

00:45:01.000 And with the kid, like my seven-year-old, it would have to be a YouTuber, like FGTV.

00:45:05.000 You put that on his back, and then he says, who am I?

00:45:08.000 Am I male or female?

00:45:09.000 It's all yes or no questions, right?

00:45:11.000 And eventually he guesses who he is.

00:45:13.000 Make it easy for the kids.

00:45:14.000 But then it could be Santa Claus, George Washington, that kind of stuff.

00:45:17.000 Another fun game is you write out famous people on a piece of paper.

00:45:21.000 When I say famous, I mean Santa, Jesus, George Washington, Michael Jackson.

00:45:25.000 And you cut them all up until they're like 50 names.

00:45:29.000 And then you play a game where they have to identify the celebrity.

00:45:32.000 So you pull out Santa Claus and you go, December 25th, bring specific to the kids.

00:45:35.000 Santa Claus.

00:45:36.000 Okay, that's one point.

00:45:37.000 And within a minute, you see how many you can get.

00:45:38.000 That's a fun game we play with the kids.

00:45:40.000 Only the older kids.

00:45:42.000 My kids are 7, 11, and 13, the 11 and the 13-year-olds.

00:45:45.000 But you got to give the little boy, the youngest, a job too.

00:45:48.000 That can be rolling dice or something.

00:45:50.000 Include him in it.

00:45:51.000 And little kids love any kind of responsibility.

00:45:55.000 Like if you're at a baseball game, a kid's baseball game, and it has one of those old-timey scoreboards and you say, okay, we need a two.

00:46:02.000 Go get a two.

00:46:02.000 And he's like, I'm going to get a two.

00:46:05.000 They love being included.

00:46:08.000 Here's another one.

00:46:09.000 Maybe we should number these.

00:46:11.000 So one was five things.

00:46:13.000 Two is you need alone time.

00:46:14.000 Four is you get what you put in.

00:46:17.000 Actually, Ryan, when you're doing the five things you need to hide from your kids, make it A, B. Now actually leave it five things.

00:46:23.000 So one has one to five.

00:46:25.000 That's slightly confusing.

00:46:26.000 And this is the second subsection of one to fives.

00:46:30.000 No, there's only one subsection.

00:46:32.000 The five things you need to hide from your kids is five individual subsections.

00:46:36.000 The rest are all sections.

00:46:37.000 Gotcha.

00:46:38.000 So two, you need alone time.

00:46:40.000 Three, you get out what you put in.

00:46:42.000 Four, traditions are crucial.

00:46:45.000 Five, don't hit them.

00:46:47.000 It just doesn't work.

00:46:48.000 I have no problem with people hitting their kids.

00:46:50.000 And I know plenty of people who grew up getting hit.

00:46:52.000 They're not traumatized.

00:46:53.000 It's just not effective.

00:46:54.000 Because eventually you just go, all right, I steal ice cream when I'm not supposed to.

00:46:58.000 I get a slap on the ass.

00:46:59.000 It's worth it.

00:47:00.000 It just becomes a part of the currency.

00:47:03.000 And again, as I was saying earlier, the real punch is my dad's disappointed in me and he took me to MiniPod and we have an inside joke and he got me this video game thing, gems and brawl stars or whatever.

00:47:17.000 And I let him down.

00:47:18.000 That sucks.

00:47:20.000 You let your enemy down.

00:47:21.000 It doesn't mean anything.

00:47:22.000 If you hate your dad and he's mad at you, good, bitch.

00:47:27.000 It's like the young Turks are mad at me.

00:47:29.000 Oh no, I'm up all night.

00:47:32.000 But that being said, hitting is not off the table.

00:47:36.000 And I saved like a smack for being on a scooter or something and just going across the street without looking for traffic.

00:47:44.000 Crossing the road without looking, especially in a, like maybe in an abandoned country neighborhood, that's not the end of the world, but in a suburb or, God forbid, the city, that's when you're like, and it might be the only time you ever hit them.

00:47:57.000 You want that to have that impact.

00:47:59.000 Oh, you know, this isn't what you want.

00:48:01.000 And I'm sorry.

00:48:02.000 You might slap a wrist, slap a hand, if they hit their other sibling hard, especially if it's an older one hitting a younger one.

00:48:10.000 But outside of the big doozies like that, I don't think corporal punishment is effective.

00:48:16.000 Number six, this sort of links to the first one with the five points.

00:48:20.000 Don't get divorced.

00:48:23.000 You know, I was with G Vaucher at Dial House, the crass punk check, and we were talking to, I was talking to her niece, who's much more open-minded, less anarcho-political, less political.

00:48:35.000 And we were talking about divorce.

00:48:36.000 And of course, G has the same old anarchist punk thing.

00:48:39.000 Why would you need a piece of paper?

00:48:41.000 Why would you need a piece of paper to justify a relationship?

00:48:43.000 Why'd you have to have people come out and see your ceremony?

00:48:47.000 Well, it's a way of saying I'm not fucking around.

00:48:50.000 Also, when you're thinking about divorce, you go, I did have all my friends fly in and her parents.

00:48:54.000 And now a year later, I'm going, nah, you're throwing away a lot.

00:48:58.000 So the bigger the ceremony, not that you should spend a lot of money, but the more consequential the ceremony, the less you poo-poo your relationship.

00:49:06.000 And every time people talk about divorce, they go, well, I get to go bowling when I want.

00:49:10.000 And the other day I had Thai food, and I had it for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.

00:49:13.000 I could never do that.

00:49:14.000 It's always me, me, me.

00:49:15.000 It's never the kids.

00:49:16.000 And as a Gen Xer, I was there in the 80s when divorce was basically invented.

00:49:20.000 And I saw it devastate my friends.

00:49:22.000 When I look up my buddies on Facebook, from the Earl of March High School in Canada, Ontario, I see about 50% childless.

00:49:30.000 50%.

00:49:32.000 And they were all getting divorced when I was young.

00:49:34.000 Canadians are very, what's the new thing?

00:49:37.000 And they're very anti-traditional.

00:49:39.000 Hey, love is just friendship and sex.

00:49:41.000 They're always like thinking outside the box to a fault.

00:49:44.000 And so divorce was great for them because it was new and weird and un-American.

00:49:49.000 And they did a great job of getting divorced.

00:49:52.000 And I just see it really fucks up kids because they lose faith in love.

00:49:56.000 And I remember talking to that niece and right after G had said, after G had said, why'd you need that piece of paper?

00:50:05.000 Her niece goes, yeah, I'm having trouble with, let's say, Jennifer, her daughter.

00:50:09.000 I'm having trouble with Jennifer because, you know, she's getting older now.

00:50:11.000 She's 15.

00:50:12.000 I said, do you ever think you're going to get married?

00:50:14.000 And she goes, no, no, really, mom.

00:50:15.000 Because if it didn't work out with you and dad, I mean, what's the point?

00:50:20.000 Every time I hear people's reason for divorce too, it's like, oh, she went crazy.

00:50:25.000 Or, oh, just what didn't work out.

00:50:27.000 We weren't in love anymore.

00:50:29.000 What?

00:50:29.000 Just make it work.

00:50:31.000 You already have something in common.

00:50:33.000 You have the kids.

00:50:34.000 She is your type because you like brunettes.

00:50:37.000 She's still a brunette.

00:50:38.000 Like, if you find the perfect woman that's going to get along with your kids to remarry, it's going to be a lot like her.

00:50:44.000 Just maybe less fat or something.

00:50:46.000 Bigger tits.

00:50:46.000 I don't know.

00:50:48.000 So hang in there.

00:50:50.000 And you can have a bad year.

00:50:52.000 You know, people in the military go to Afghanistan for a year, don't see anyone but fucking dead bodies.

00:50:58.000 You can handle a shitty year.

00:51:00.000 It goes up and down and up and down.

00:51:05.000 You know, I'm at the point now with my wife, and it's only 20 years.

00:51:08.000 We've only been married for 15, but we've known each other for 20.

00:51:11.000 If I were to do a toast on Mother's Day about how great she is and what an acid is, I'm tearing up right now.

00:51:16.000 It's just so, it's too deep and it's so redundant that we'll both start crying and it's just not worth seeing.

00:51:23.000 Same with fights.

00:51:24.000 We don't really fight anymore because what's the point?

00:51:27.000 So we're reaching like new E.T. Elliott levels.

00:51:36.000 Of course, I shouldn't use pedophiles as metaphors.

00:51:40.000 Number seven, you are a corrections officer.

00:51:44.000 As a dad, you got to accept that you're the end of the line.

00:51:48.000 The buck stops here, folks.

00:51:51.000 I delegate the punishments.

00:51:54.000 It could be no screen time for five days.

00:51:56.000 That's about the worst thing you can do, and I'm not exaggerating.

00:51:58.000 Grounded, Hitting them, screaming match, no dessert.

00:52:05.000 Screens are the crack cocaine of our generation's kids, and taking them away is like taking heroin away from a junkie.

00:52:14.000 It's nothing else matters.

00:52:15.000 Think of it: a junkie.

00:52:17.000 You could say, I'll either, you can't do heroin for three days, or I can take this coat hanger, heat it up till it's red hot, and burn your face with like a G. They'd go, oh, fuck, okay, do that.

00:52:27.000 Do the fake.

00:52:28.000 Can I have a beer first?

00:52:29.000 No.

00:52:32.000 So, as a dad, I have to accept I'm not getting a lot of hugs.

00:52:36.000 My wife gets hugged all the time.

00:52:37.000 My youngest never hugs.

00:52:39.000 I can say to the kids, come here, come here.

00:52:41.000 But I don't even want to do that because I don't want to start having a sort of a currency for hugs where, hey, I'll let you watch TV if you give dad a hug.

00:52:51.000 Because now pedophiles show up and they have, hey, I'll give you some candy.

00:52:55.000 I don't want to set up an exchange for hugs.

00:52:57.000 You only hug if you feel like hugging.

00:52:59.000 So I'll go like this.

00:53:00.000 I'll often get a no.

00:53:01.000 With the older kids, the 13-year-old ones, I can get a hug.

00:53:04.000 It's not an embrace.

00:53:05.000 It's just sort of like sometimes their arms are at their side.

00:53:07.000 They're like.

00:53:10.000 If I'm away for a while and I come back, I'll get a sincere one.

00:53:13.000 But my wife gets hugs from everyone all day.

00:53:17.000 You got to accept.

00:53:17.000 I can be friends with you when you're young or friends with you when you're old.

00:53:20.000 I can't have both.

00:53:22.000 So I'm the enforcer.

00:53:24.000 And it's amazing how similar it is to a corrections officer.

00:53:27.000 You have to walk up and down the hallway regularly, checking for contraband.

00:53:33.000 You have to, contraband being iPads or candies or other stuff.

00:53:37.000 You have to make sure lights are out.

00:53:39.000 And walking into a room and seeing the lights out are not sufficient.

00:53:42.000 You have to put your hand on the bulb, touch the bulb, touch the game's console.

00:53:47.000 If you hear movement, you have to run downstairs.

00:53:50.000 Even grabbing a snack at 11 p.m.

00:53:50.000 What the hell is that?

00:53:53.000 No, you're not snacking late at night.

00:53:55.000 That's how you get fat.

00:53:56.000 So you'll run and grab the chips.

00:54:01.000 So be prepared for that.

00:54:02.000 My mother, my mother, whoops.

00:54:07.000 You meant your wife?

00:54:08.000 Yeah, that happens more than I'd like to admit.

00:54:12.000 Yikes.

00:54:13.000 Well, she is a mother to my kids.

00:54:15.000 And I'm expected to buy her shit on Mother's Day.

00:54:18.000 Anyway, my wife was drunk one night.

00:54:21.000 She was crying.

00:54:22.000 And she was like, but you don't get as much hugs as me.

00:54:25.000 And it must be so hard.

00:54:26.000 And you don't get to hug our little babies and blah, blah, blah.

00:54:29.000 And you always have to be the enforcer.

00:54:30.000 And I'm like, I don't mind.

00:54:31.000 It's just, it's like being Superman.

00:54:33.000 With great power comes great responsibility.

00:54:36.000 And I know they'll appreciate it when they're older.

00:54:39.000 So yeah, I'm happy to dole out the punishments.

00:54:43.000 Number eight.

00:54:46.000 Screens are 75% of parenting.

00:54:50.000 I can't believe it.

00:54:52.000 I wish I had made these 10.

00:54:57.000 Hmm.

00:54:59.000 I know.

00:55:00.000 Let's cheat.

00:55:01.000 We could overdub it.

00:55:02.000 No, no.

00:55:02.000 I'm going to make nine.

00:55:04.000 So when you do this in post and I talk about happiness, make that nine.

00:55:09.000 People go, why is nine first?

00:55:12.000 Well, they're finding out now.

00:55:14.000 And then make 10 just be present.

00:55:17.000 So it's going to go nine, happy, you're not less happy.

00:55:24.000 Less happy.

00:55:26.000 And then 10 is just be present.

00:55:28.000 And then we start with one, five things you need to hide.

00:55:31.000 This is not very organized.

00:55:33.000 Nor is parenting.

00:55:35.000 It's very fly by the seat of your pants.

00:55:38.000 And that's another thing, too, I've noticed, like with the, I got my daughter into softball.

00:55:44.000 She didn't like it.

00:55:44.000 All right.

00:55:45.000 Like Louis C.K. says, when my kids want to quit, I go, good.

00:55:47.000 I'm sick of coming.

00:55:49.000 So you don't, like we, we do, I am enforcing guitar.

00:55:52.000 She can't quit guitar.

00:55:54.000 But I've tried horseback with her, tried softball, tried a bunch of things that she wasn't into.

00:55:58.000 All right, then we'll drop them.

00:56:00.000 My son tried all these different things, soccer, hockey, and then baseball just exploded.

00:56:07.000 My job's done now.

00:56:08.000 You keep throwing shit against the wall to see what sticks.

00:56:11.000 So yeah, back to number eight.

00:56:16.000 It's shocking to me how much of parenting is screens.

00:56:20.000 It really is amazing.

00:56:25.000 In the winter, we take them skiing.

00:56:27.000 And when I first bought a house in the suburbs, look at that.

00:56:33.000 Oh my God.

00:56:34.000 I've only dealt with a 13-year-old.

00:56:35.000 I can't imagine what a 16-year-old boy is like, especially my giant Indian kids.

00:56:39.000 They're going to be taller than me.

00:56:41.000 So when I bought my house, the guy said, we take the kids skiing all the time.

00:56:47.000 It's the only way to get them away from their screens.

00:56:50.000 And I went, okay, they're screens.

00:56:52.000 This is like three or four years ago, or maybe five years ago now, when young kids weren't as obsessed with screens as they are today.

00:56:59.000 Today, it's fucking mental.

00:57:01.000 And not that our generation is much better.

00:57:03.000 I can be at Anthony Coome's house.

00:57:05.000 We're all sitting on a table talking, and then all of a sudden, four of the seven of us are on phones.

00:57:11.000 I'm guilty of it sometimes.

00:57:12.000 I was at a bar yesterday looking at my phone the entire time.

00:57:14.000 Fucking ridiculous.

00:57:16.000 But anyway, in the winter, skiing, skiing with a seven-year-old, they want to go really slow.

00:57:22.000 It's not the funnest thing in the world.

00:57:24.000 Oh, well, as long as they're not on a screen, I'm being a good parent.

00:57:27.000 I can't believe I'm fucking saying that.

00:57:29.000 But it's true.

00:57:30.000 If you're in a house and not one kid was on a screen, you're doing a bang-up job.

00:57:34.000 I don't care if they're sitting in a chair going, you're a successful parent in 2020.

00:57:40.000 And then in the summer, the beach, going to renting a lake house where they're fishing or something.

00:57:45.000 That's amazing.

00:57:46.000 If your crackheads aren't doing crack, you're doing a good job.

00:57:49.000 Just say no to drugs.

00:57:51.000 God, I've always said, I don't think we've ever done better than, sorry, I'm making decisions here in my head.

00:58:02.000 I've just decided that we're going to go through the age groups tomorrow.

00:58:06.000 Okay.

00:58:06.000 Because this is going longer than I thought.

00:58:07.000 So there's a two.

00:58:09.000 Oh, but tomorrow's a live show.

00:58:12.000 Oh, well.

00:58:13.000 It'll just be a continuation.

00:58:16.000 The live show is on public.

00:58:18.000 The public have access to it, though, right?

00:58:21.000 No, we'll do the first half hour normal and then I'll continue this parenting episode.

00:58:26.000 Oh, cool.

00:58:27.000 This is a new symbol of okay.

00:58:29.000 It's non-racist okay.

00:58:32.000 And that way we can still get to the mailbag and stuff like that.

00:58:37.000 So, yeah, getting away from screens is, oh, yeah, that's what I was going to say.

00:58:43.000 I think the greatest childhood of all time, I'm including Rome, fucking Scotland, the Middle Ages, the pioneer days.

00:58:55.000 I don't care, the Renaissance, fucking whatever, the best times you can think of.

00:59:00.000 I don't think you can beat Brooklyn in the 50s.

00:59:03.000 I think that was the greatest childhood of all time.

00:59:06.000 Kids would leave the second the sun came out.

00:59:08.000 They were playing stick ball in an old abandoned yard.

00:59:12.000 They were running around getting into trouble.

00:59:14.000 If a woman came out her front door and she saw an eight-year-old hit a six-year-old, she'd come up and slap him upside the head or something and say, what the fuck are you doing?

00:59:23.000 The whole community raised everyone.

00:59:26.000 Not a lot of nature, unfortunately, but nothing but exercise and mischief and just tons of kids.

00:59:33.000 Look at this.

00:59:34.000 This is my idea of paradise.

00:59:36.000 And I think none of them had any money.

00:59:40.000 Money is nothing.

00:59:41.000 Money sometimes makes childhood less fun.

00:59:43.000 Like where we live, if you're not in a country club, you're alone.

00:59:47.000 Or a lot of these rich kids, they'll go to like their parents' house in North Carolina where they're bored shitless because there's no other kids around.

00:59:54.000 Oh, my daughter's friend goes to France every summer.

00:59:57.000 Yeah, to rural France in fucking Montpellier, where there's no kid for 10 miles and they just sit on some boring grassy knoll wishing they could shoot JFK.

01:00:10.000 And I think as parents, good parents, we're never going to get that again.

01:00:13.000 That's gone.

01:00:15.000 But we should always keep in our mind how close am I to 1950s Brooklyn.

01:00:19.000 Like yesterday, after the beach, my son and his friends disappeared on their bikes, hopefully getting into trouble.

01:00:28.000 And I thought, well, that's a little bit 50s.

01:00:30.000 They couldn't afford bikes back then, but at least it's boys.

01:00:33.000 It's no screens.

01:00:34.000 No one's monitoring them.

01:00:36.000 There's no parents to tell them what they can and can't do.

01:00:37.000 I don't know where they're going.

01:00:39.000 That's a little victory.

01:00:41.000 That's what you got to fight for, the little victories.

01:00:43.000 There you go.

01:00:44.000 Some places are still in the 50s.

01:00:47.000 That's encouraging.

01:00:48.000 Yeah, but the problem with that is it's 190 degrees and there's nothing but diarrhea.

01:00:55.000 In fact, I think there's a patch right there where you stand.

01:00:58.000 You just kick around the RPG head and, you know.

01:01:02.000 Okay, so those are, that's parenting, the parenting, no.

01:01:11.000 How to raise a kid, part one.

01:01:16.000 And that's the 10 rules to live by.

01:01:22.000 Wait, 10 rules for parents to live by?

01:01:27.000 10 parenting basics.

01:01:28.000 Yeah, that's it.

01:01:29.000 Let's go.

01:01:32.000 And that's, we'll have the second episode, part two.

01:01:37.000 Now I think we're ready for the mailb.

01:01:40.000 Oh, gotcha.

01:01:44.000 I just barfed.

01:01:45.000 That's gross.

01:01:47.000 Ryan, shut up, you don't have a date.

01:01:51.000 Let's turn our eyes together.

01:01:57.000 Let me touch it.

01:01:58.000 Let me touch it.

01:02:04.000 There's nothing wrong with your screen.

01:02:06.000 I have a stiff neck.

01:02:12.000 Coach says, why aren't you at the gym?

01:02:14.000 I go, my people don't thrive in 85.

01:02:19.000 More than 85, we're out.

01:02:21.000 I don't thrive!

01:02:22.000 It's 85!

01:02:24.000 I can't work out.

01:02:25.000 More than 85.

01:02:27.000 That doesn't work out.

01:02:29.000 Degrees.

01:02:30.000 Got a letter from Melinda Smith over at 630 East Rialto Avenue, number 1E02.

01:02:38.000 She's in San Bernardino, California.

01:02:40.000 And her ID number at the prison is 190-234-0095.

01:02:52.000 Shit.

01:02:52.000 You should be able to look up her number.

01:02:54.000 Linda Smith, of course, is the porn star Mercedes Carrera.

01:02:58.000 She's presently incarcerated for kiddie porn, which she did not do.

01:03:03.000 Her baby daddy made it up, and in San Bernardino, that's all you need to be put in prison.

01:03:10.000 Her trial hasn't come up.

01:03:12.000 It may not come up for a couple years, three years.

01:03:14.000 We had a guy in Records who was waiting for his trial for five years.

01:03:18.000 Innocent.

01:03:19.000 Actually, I don't know if he was innocent, but I do know that Melinda is innocent.

01:03:22.000 Anyway, she made me a lovely card, it appears.

01:03:25.000 Happy 50th birthday.

01:03:27.000 You open it up.

01:03:28.000 Dear Gavin, happy birthday from all the bad girls at Central Detention Center.

01:03:33.000 Happy B-Day, love always.

01:03:35.000 Jessica M. Valdez.

01:03:36.000 I don't know you, Jessica.

01:03:37.000 What do you mean, love always?

01:03:39.000 Love Mercedes-P.S.

01:03:40.000 Hope you found somewhere to piss.

01:03:42.000 She called me and I was driving back home and I had to piss really bad after my Milo roast.

01:03:49.000 Happy birthday, Gavin.

01:03:51.000 Hope it's a good one.

01:03:53.000 Steph.

01:03:54.000 Happy birthday.

01:03:55.000 Hope it's a good one.

01:03:56.000 Tabitha.

01:03:58.000 This random criminals.

01:04:01.000 Happy birthday, Gavin.

01:04:02.000 Hope your 50th birthday is as great as your 21st.

01:04:05.000 That's creative from Tiana.

01:04:07.000 Happy birthday.

01:04:08.000 Hope all is well.

01:04:10.000 Not a lot of heart from these ladies.

01:04:12.000 I don't expect it, though.

01:04:13.000 I've never met you and never will.

01:04:16.000 Hope all is well.

01:04:17.000 Gavin, I wish you an awesome birthday and many more.

01:04:21.000 Women have very nice penmanship, almost without exception.

01:04:24.000 Have you noticed that?

01:04:26.000 They got to make up for the lack of writing skills.

01:04:28.000 Anyway, there's a beautiful sponge bob there.

01:04:32.000 Very well done.

01:04:33.000 Yeah, it is.

01:04:34.000 And judging by Mercedes' outside of the card, I don't think she drew it.

01:04:39.000 Oh, so I was right.

01:04:40.000 It is 9.5.

01:04:41.000 Is that correct?

01:04:42.000 Yeah, but you don't need to put a bracket in there.

01:04:45.000 Oh, no, I didn't.

01:04:46.000 This is on somebody's YouTube.

01:04:47.000 Okay.

01:04:48.000 The bracket could throw everything off.

01:04:50.000 Okay, good.

01:04:51.000 So would the A. Just Smith, Melinda, and then the number.

01:04:54.000 Lose the A, lose the bracket.

01:04:59.000 Somebody did an interview with her.

01:05:01.000 A jailhouse interview.

01:05:02.000 Oh, really?

01:05:03.000 Yep.

01:05:04.000 And it's on YouTube?

01:05:05.000 It's on YouTube.

01:05:06.000 see it Can you just pause it for a second here?

01:05:17.000 Can everything just start when it starts from now on?

01:05:21.000 I'm sick, and if this goes for movies, everything.

01:05:23.000 Just start the show.

01:05:25.000 If it's a movie, you can start with like a pastoral forest scene.

01:05:29.000 I understand you got to set the tone, but I don't want to see credits.

01:05:32.000 I don't care what your production company is.

01:05:34.000 And for YouTube videos, like Amazing Confession from X Cop.

01:05:39.000 And then we start with, Hey guys, welcome back.

01:05:41.000 We have 20,000 subscribers now, Do that shit at the end.

01:05:48.000 Just ado.

01:05:49.000 Just start it.

01:05:50.000 No more ado.

01:05:52.000 Even Marc Maron's podcast, he's like, Hey, guys, what the fucksters?

01:05:57.000 We still get our food.

01:05:59.000 Everything's fine here.

01:06:00.000 Alright.

01:06:01.000 I think that, yeah, the deputies are a same-based I mean, I was talking to one of my favorite deputies this morning, and she's like, yeah, like 50,000 people have died of the flu this year.

01:06:14.000 Nobody's talking about that.

01:06:15.000 Yeah.

01:06:16.000 So I can't hear anything.

01:06:18.000 It seems like it's much to do about nothing.

01:06:20.000 You know, we're bombarded with blue-till news all day.

01:06:24.000 This looks like weird Soviet self-you know, social seeming if you don't stay at home and lock yourself up.

01:06:29.000 Oh, yeah.

01:06:32.000 I'm an essential employee, so I can't, you know, I'm allowed to venture out.

01:06:39.000 Funny thing about Mercedes is I talk to her pretty regularly, and going through all of this hell, she's still her.

01:06:45.000 Like her letters.

01:06:47.000 Here's one I just got the other day.

01:06:49.000 I haven't even opened this one yet.

01:06:50.000 It's very thick.

01:06:51.000 I'm her only connection in the outside world, basically, besides her lawyer.

01:06:58.000 But her letters are the same way she was in interviews.

01:07:00.000 Theories about China and the water supply and how bullshit COVID-19 is.

01:07:08.000 A lot of clips.

01:07:09.000 Union cries foul.

01:07:10.000 This coffee chain closes.

01:07:11.000 God, you know what I saw today in the news?

01:07:13.000 The place, what's it called?

01:07:14.000 Chumley's.

01:07:16.000 The origin of the word 86, it was on 86 Bedford.

01:07:20.000 And it was around in 1922, I think.

01:07:22.000 What's that, right after Prohibition?

01:07:25.000 And it says, look at all these weird Dilbert comics.

01:07:33.000 They shut down because of this COVID shit.

01:07:35.000 It's been around since Prohibition.

01:07:38.000 Why wouldn't you be looking this up?

01:07:39.000 I was looking at...

01:07:43.000 I can see your screen.

01:07:44.000 Okay.

01:07:44.000 Chumleys.

01:07:46.000 And so if you got kicked out of that bar, you'd be kicked out forever.

01:07:49.000 And because it was on 86 Bedford, you'd be 86.

01:07:52.000 86 is, that's it.

01:07:54.000 86 has been a term in the American vernacular, global vernacular, really, forever.

01:08:00.000 And Cuomo managed to shut that incredible archetype down.

01:08:06.000 I'm impressed, Cuomo and DeBlasio.

01:08:08.000 You guys are really good at wrecking shit.

01:08:11.000 I don't know if a small business raped you at one point in your life, but you're really good at getting revenge.

01:08:18.000 She's pretty.

01:08:19.000 Actually, they're around...

01:08:24.000 When was Prohibition?

01:08:25.000 Where's my chart?

01:08:26.000 We got to make a poster of that.

01:08:29.000 When was Prohibition?

01:08:30.000 The American history.

01:08:31.000 Yeah.

01:08:32.000 I believe the 20s, Prohibition.

01:08:34.000 No, don't believe anything.

01:08:37.000 The only time you should speak with authority is when it's Toy Story.

01:08:41.000 1920 to 1933.

01:08:44.000 All right.

01:08:44.000 So they were their whole, their first fucking five years.

01:08:48.000 No, wait.

01:08:49.000 1920, they were 22.

01:08:51.000 So seven, 10 years, almost 10 years.

01:08:54.000 Their first decade was under prohibition.

01:08:57.000 They survived prohibition.

01:08:59.000 They could not survive the de Blasio-Cuomo duo.

01:09:04.000 Dear Gavin, I haven't heard from you in a while.

01:09:06.000 This is again, Mercedes.

01:09:07.000 I haven't heard from you in a while, and I haven't been able to get a hold of you for a while.

01:09:10.000 Surely you're busy, so I don't want to make anything up.

01:09:14.000 I don't want to make anything up about it, but I also don't want to annoy you with needless correspondence or become a nuisance.

01:09:20.000 If you prefer, I refrain from contacting you further.

01:09:22.000 Just let me know.

01:09:23.000 I guess I've missed a lot of calls.

01:09:25.000 My phone's weird.

01:09:26.000 I'll be holding it, and it'll say miss call as I look at it.

01:09:31.000 It's weird.

01:09:33.000 The mainstream media hasn't been reporting much on Hong Kong.

01:09:36.000 I believe much of the domestic chaos is by design, and in the generation we will look back on 2020, the way other generations look back on 1940, when whispers of the USA entering World War II were present, but not yet a reality.

01:09:48.000 In truth, we need to go to war with China soon.

01:09:50.000 If we give them more time, they'll continue to strengthen, and we won't stand a chance of winning.

01:09:55.000 Our country gets weaker by the day, just as Rome did while it collapsed.

01:10:00.000 Anyway, you know where that's going.

01:10:01.000 I'll get to that.

01:10:02.000 And of course, I wanted to continue to contact me.

01:10:05.000 I have an infinite tolerance for innocent people in prison.

01:10:10.000 Infinite.

01:10:11.000 Speaking of innocent people in prison, we've got a new drawing from John Kinsman over at Bear Hill.

01:10:20.000 That'd be funny if I was mad at Max Hare for not sending me more shit.

01:10:23.000 Hey, Max, I raised a lot of money for you.

01:10:25.000 Like 50 grand.

01:10:27.000 I see a lot of letters.

01:10:29.000 Not even emails through JPEG.

01:10:31.000 What the fuck?

01:10:32.000 Happy birthday, email.

01:10:34.000 What are you doing up there at Gouverneur?

01:10:38.000 Oh, this is a cool one.

01:10:39.000 Nice.

01:10:40.000 It used to be a leopard.

01:10:41.000 The West is the best.

01:10:42.000 And the eyes are the Proud Boy's Fred Perry insignia.

01:10:48.000 We'll put that up on the auctions.

01:10:51.000 Now, that's a good segue to the Google Auctions.

01:10:55.000 Justice for Liberty was hacked.

01:10:57.000 And the only way we could get through the hack was to make sure you put in your SSN number and you do a check and blah, blah, blah.

01:11:04.000 To be totally honest, I have trouble pulling it off myself.

01:11:07.000 So I understand that you are wary of it.

01:11:09.000 It's no defund Gavin.

01:11:11.000 That was a cinch, but defund Gavin wasn't hacked.

01:11:14.000 So Justice for Liberty is totally hack-proof as of now, but it's so hack-proof, it's hard to donate.

01:11:22.000 Gavin's Doodle Auction, you can buy a donation and 100% of the money, not the profits, not like minus shipping and handling.

01:11:30.000 No.

01:11:32.000 100% of the gross goes to Justice for Liberty.

01:11:36.000 Hannah Zanoa, John's wife, is presently moving out of John's parents' house or in-laws' house.

01:11:44.000 So we've got to send her 5K.

01:11:47.000 But you can also donate here.

01:11:50.000 In fact, I would say that when we get, we usually make around three to four grand.

01:11:54.000 About a third of that is just donations where they don't care about a drawing.

01:11:58.000 Like that Gorgon took me about 10 seconds.

01:12:01.000 So you can bid on a thing or you can just donate directly.

01:12:05.000 And the link for the Google Auctions, there's no quick way of saying it.

01:12:09.000 So I would go to censored TV and you'll see one of the links on censored TV says doodle auction.

01:12:15.000 That always has the most recent one.

01:12:16.000 We're down to the last 24 hours.

01:12:21.000 So if you're going to bid, bid.

01:12:22.000 If you're going to donate, donate.

01:12:24.000 If you go to my parlor, you'll see I provide proof that 100% of the money goes directly into the account.

01:12:31.000 No funny business.

01:12:36.000 Yeah, so there's that.

01:12:39.000 There we go.

01:12:39.000 So look, I showed the pictures there of that's the link.

01:12:45.000 There's 935 donors at 49,000.

01:12:48.000 Then we put in the 3,300.

01:12:50.000 The auction is in New Zealand, so the dollars have to be converted.

01:12:52.000 Now we're at 52,000.

01:12:55.000 Here's something fun.

01:12:57.000 This didn't come in through normal channels.

01:12:58.000 Remember the Icelandic story where the guy was in Iceland and he saw a Proud Boy tattoo on a guy named Gretar?

01:13:07.000 And so he began harassing this racist, evil Nazi proud boy who was left going, what are you talking about, dude?

01:13:13.000 And then eventually burst into tears and ran out of the bar.

01:13:17.000 If this was like a family man in America, I would go, oh, dude, he's got to be corrected.

01:13:23.000 I mean, where'd he hear this bullshit?

01:13:26.000 But it's gay in Iceland.

01:13:28.000 These guys are desperate for some sort of oppression because their whole identity is I'm an oppressed minority and you're not oppressed if you're in Iceland.

01:13:37.000 What does that sound?

01:13:40.000 Maybe it's just the wind going through the AC?

01:13:43.000 It's like, whoosh.

01:13:44.000 Sounds like an Aztec death whistle.

01:13:46.000 Yeah, it sounds like a large mob whistling on their way to our studio to kill me.

01:13:51.000 And you.

01:13:52.000 Yeah, I guess.

01:13:53.000 For being here.

01:13:56.000 So they need something.

01:13:57.000 And if a Proud Boy's tattoo is all you got, go bananas.

01:14:00.000 I don't give a shit.

01:14:01.000 Anyway, so he left crying.

01:14:02.000 We read this in the mail.

01:14:04.000 I think it was last episode, maybe the episode before.

01:14:08.000 And so Lindsay contacts, that's the girlfriend, she contacts the gay and she goes, I've known you forever.

01:14:13.000 Why would you think I would data Nazi?

01:14:15.000 Why'd you cause a scene like that?

01:14:16.000 Fuck you.

01:14:18.000 And he goes, hey, Lindsay, I, out of respect for you and the time we have spent together, wanted to take a moment to reach out for context.

01:14:25.000 And then he links the SPLC.

01:14:29.000 Reliable source.

01:14:30.000 This will go in my damages.

01:14:31.000 There are dozens and dozens of easily findable examples of their violence.

01:14:36.000 But they hate violence when it comes from the right, don't they?

01:14:38.000 Do they hate violence from the left?

01:14:40.000 No, that's political action.

01:14:43.000 Oh, okay.

01:14:44.000 Do you hate Islamic violence?

01:14:45.000 What about acid attacks in London?

01:14:48.000 They're very selective with their violence outrage.

01:14:51.000 Is that this culture?

01:14:53.000 The beliefs of the Proud Boys, and I know I'm doing German.

01:14:55.000 I don't know Icelandic, okay?

01:14:57.000 You get the idea.

01:14:58.000 The beliefs of the Proud Boys isn't something that is really up for debate.

01:15:01.000 For even the U.S. gov to recognize their danger speaks volumes, considering the administration and perhaps your partner doesn't fully understand the beliefs of the group he is part of.

01:15:16.000 Yeah, I understand it better than you because I googled it.

01:15:19.000 I'm in it.

01:15:20.000 I go to meetings, but I understand it less than you.

01:15:25.000 I don't think or wish violence or jail on such people.

01:15:29.000 Well, they're in jail.

01:15:33.000 They're in Bear Hill Correctional facility.

01:15:38.000 Make sure I didn't, our address doesn't appear when I'm showing this.

01:15:45.000 And do you want to write down that time?

01:15:49.000 Yes.

01:15:52.000 As a prison abolitionist, I do wish radical change in their beliefs through long-term community intervention to heal the harm that leads to such belief in those individuals.

01:16:00.000 So instead of our, he has no time to discuss the details of why we're Nazis or whether we're Nazis or not.

01:16:08.000 Yet, he's willing to spend, I don't know, years educating us on how and helping us heal from the damage that made us into Nazis.

01:16:18.000 Are we sensing some BS in this guy's philosophies?

01:16:23.000 But also recognize that historically the rise of fascism begins and ends in violence.

01:16:27.000 And I hope that, how about the 60 days of violence we're at in Portland?

01:16:32.000 Two months of non-stop rioting and violence.

01:16:36.000 And I hope that time does not come again.

01:16:39.000 And I hope that time does not come again.

01:16:41.000 My body went into panic mode.

01:16:43.000 And unfortunately, I did not allow for the mental space to consider your position in the matter and the proximity and care you hold for this person.

01:16:50.000 I have said the same to Jacob tonight in that if hope for changing such views, and then it sort of jumps here.

01:17:10.000 The group he is part of, but I have no interest or investment in debating the final points of a far-right, violent group that has routinely caused and lobbied for harm against minority groups.

01:17:22.000 So we wrote our local congressman saying, hey, could you please beat up blacks?

01:17:27.000 Or harm them in the morning.

01:17:28.000 Just harm them.

01:17:29.000 Can you, hi, I know you're busy, but I pay my taxes.

01:17:31.000 And if you could just smash a tranny in the head, we could call it the tranny head smashing law, please.

01:17:38.000 I hereby am lobbying.

01:17:40.000 What?

01:17:41.000 What planet are these people on?

01:17:43.000 They've lobbied for harm against minority groups.

01:17:46.000 Has even the KKK done that?

01:17:49.000 Probably not.

01:17:50.000 And I hate bringing up the KKK in any context ever, but really.

01:17:55.000 No one's lobbied for harm against minority groups.

01:17:59.000 Like, you got to go to Indonesia to find that kind of shit.

01:18:03.000 What is that other picture, Icelandic gaze?

01:18:06.000 Trance.

01:18:07.000 Excuse you.

01:18:08.000 You can see the mustache.

01:18:10.000 Nice mustache.

01:18:12.000 Are you a puppet?

01:18:13.000 Are you slappy from goosebumps?

01:18:15.000 Is that a shit stain on your face?

01:18:18.000 Were you eating a very distended anus?

01:18:20.000 Did you drink from a very dirty mug?

01:18:24.000 Did you fall asleep on top of a glass of chocolate milk?

01:18:29.000 Were you testing out your brown crayons?

01:18:34.000 The Proud Boys had an organization, a chapter organization in Pittsburgh, where I was in 2016, 2017, and incited violence against protesters and communities I care deeply about.

01:18:46.000 So for me, seeing a tattoo like that is incredibly personal in the implications of its meaning.

01:18:51.000 Go look up Pittsburgh.

01:18:53.000 Pittsburgh Proud Boys violence.

01:18:54.000 And to be clear of my anger from last night is I was having a panicked attack and tripping on...

01:19:03.000 What was he tripping on?

01:19:04.000 Wait, that has to be...

01:19:08.000 Tripping on words.

01:19:10.000 No, it says Pittsburgh.

01:19:12.000 Well, he's from a different retarded country, I mean.

01:19:15.000 No, he's not going to get the fucking city wrong.

01:19:17.000 He's just lying.

01:19:18.000 I don't remember anything from Pittsburgh.

01:19:21.000 A hope for changing such views in a person as possible lies with those who are close to them.

01:19:26.000 So it's fortunate to know the two of you are in that space.

01:19:29.000 So he's saying, I will help re-educate, I will help console him or give him counseling for the horrible upbringing that made him who he is.

01:19:39.000 But I'm not willing to debate who he is.

01:19:40.000 I know for a fact there are dozens and dozens of articles about how evil they are, and they've lobbied for harm against minorities.

01:19:47.000 I bet he would have no problem debating for a long time that he is, in fact, a biological female or whatnot.

01:19:54.000 I have no interest in debating this with your partner or sharing space with him.

01:19:58.000 I appreciate that this places you in a difficult position and will do my best to remove myself from such situations if they occur to relieve the possible confrontations of such engagements for all involved.

01:20:09.000 I also meant what I said in that you're always welcome in Gurchan.

01:20:13.000 I guess that's the city.

01:20:14.000 And oh, Gurchan in Ice Place, that's their name.

01:20:17.000 When we are back order abroad.

01:20:19.000 But hope, what?

01:20:22.000 But hope you can understand my position in not wanting to be involved in spaces, including those that, whether intentionally or not, support a group that causes direct community and structural harm to vulnerable groups.

01:20:32.000 Yeah, the gays in Iceland are really vulnerable.

01:20:37.000 With that, I will go to bed and think it best to just take time and space from the matter.

01:20:42.000 In other words, let's not be friends anymore so I can hold on to my ridiculous fairy tale.

01:20:49.000 Pathetic.

01:20:51.000 Genuinely pathetic.

01:20:54.000 They'd rather give up on their friendships to maintain some sense of oppression than figure out if something is wrong.

01:21:02.000 And again, if I heard someone I knew and grew up with was a pedophile, I would be like, Ryan, what's this now?

01:21:08.000 The fuck's going on?

01:21:10.000 Same with Mercedes.

01:21:11.000 I go, what?

01:21:12.000 What's happening now?

01:21:14.000 Then not only did she explain it, but I looked it up and discovered everything that had happened.

01:21:18.000 Imagine the responses.

01:21:20.000 They're just so pretty and cute.

01:21:22.000 I'd be like, okay, bye.

01:21:24.000 Hot in hell.

01:21:28.000 And what was the other point I was going to make about that?

01:21:35.000 I forget.

01:21:36.000 That doesn't sound like a fun person?

01:21:38.000 What kind of friendship is that where that person...

01:21:42.000 That guy doesn't sound like much fun at all.

01:21:44.000 He's not like it.

01:21:52.000 Andy Guzman, you and your, and then a terrible adjective, daughter, are out of line mocking the Lord like that.

01:22:02.000 Kangaroo is also one of the worst editions.

01:22:04.000 They all suck.

01:22:05.000 Along with beef squat.

01:22:06.000 Go fuck yourself.

01:22:07.000 Except Ryan, he's okay.

01:22:09.000 Whoa.

01:22:09.000 Let's, um...

01:22:17.000 Please cancel this guy's sub.

01:22:22.000 Hey, Andy Guzman, you're no longer welcome at the site.

01:22:28.000 Fuck you.

01:22:28.000 Any piece of poop?

01:22:31.000 Made me mad.

01:22:34.000 Amen.

01:22:36.000 Let me see what else we got here.

01:22:39.000 Fucking stupid kids don't understand what words mean.

01:22:52.000 No, I got a letter that went in my normal inbox, which annoys me.

01:22:56.000 But I think it's relevant.

01:22:59.000 Podcast, people soliciting.

01:23:01.000 You should join Cameo.

01:23:02.000 Fuck off.

01:23:03.000 Here we go.

01:23:03.000 From Jeff.

01:23:05.000 Dude, ready for this?

01:23:07.000 Is there something to play of the fag zone?

01:23:09.000 Okay.

01:23:09.000 No.

01:23:10.000 Just listen closely.

01:23:11.000 Okay.

01:23:12.000 Dude, do not let Ryan's reaction be the yardstick by which you measure the quality of your stories.

01:23:19.000 That weird Jesus story was the fucking funniest thing you've ever said on the show.

01:23:24.000 I kept rewinding it over and over and over again.

01:23:27.000 Please continue with stories of your interactions with your kids.

01:23:31.000 They are primo.

01:23:33.000 You hear that, Rye guy?

01:23:34.000 Yeah, I didn't know that I wasn't like this.

01:23:39.000 I don't consider it that blasphemous, by the way.

01:23:41.000 It's just a joke.

01:23:46.000 All right, we're running out of time here, and we only did half the parenting episode.

01:23:50.000 I'm going to wear the same shirt tomorrow night.

01:23:53.000 So when you look at the thumbnails, you can see that it's a two-part episode.

01:23:56.000 And what we'll do for the free part is we'll promote our sponsors and we'll talk about riots and the normal news.

01:24:03.000 And then as soon as we cut off into the paywall, I'll continue today's episode and talk about parenting from the various stages.

01:24:13.000 And they are the birth, the first year, two to four, five to six, seven to ten, eleven to thirteen.

01:24:21.000 I don't know why I grouped them like that.

01:24:22.000 It just seems like those are the phases.

01:24:25.000 Like a two-year-old and a four-year-old are basically the same.

01:24:28.000 Five-year-old starts to be like a Kid.

01:24:32.000 But they're only that kind of kid from five to six.

01:24:33.000 Then a seven-year-old is another.

01:24:35.000 The bummer about seven is they start speaking properly.

01:24:40.000 And sunscreen is no longer sunscreen.

01:24:46.000 Somebody else agreed about that I should have laughed.

01:24:49.000 And then they said, This is your that's who they'd cast.

01:24:55.000 That's a bit much.

01:24:56.000 Yeah, that's a bit much.

01:24:56.000 That's a bit much, right?

01:24:58.000 No, I want it to be the kind of thing where some people go, what's up with his head?

01:25:05.000 And everyone else goes, what?

01:25:06.000 Because we've all been in that situation.

01:25:09.000 It's a very difficult situation.

01:25:10.000 Yeah.

01:25:11.000 Where you're at a bar and you're like, anyone think Jen is kind of unusual?

01:25:15.000 And they go, what?

01:25:15.000 She's fun.

01:25:17.000 Go, okay.

01:25:18.000 And it'd be even funnier if it's the son of God.

01:25:20.000 Or if there's just like one...

01:25:23.000 There's something about him.

01:25:24.000 Yeah, like that guy would be better.

01:25:26.000 Who's that?

01:25:27.000 That's Louis Thoreau, isn't it?

01:25:29.000 Yeah, these are all Despair code.

01:25:37.000 Hold on.

01:25:38.000 Below the green.

01:25:38.000 Oh, okay.

01:25:42.000 Is that a real guy?

01:25:43.000 That's just a lateral step from the other weird guy.

01:25:45.000 That's bananas.

01:25:46.000 Yeah, that's...

01:25:47.000 This guy.

01:25:47.000 Although that might...

01:25:50.000 Dude, that might work, the despair code.

01:25:52.000 Really?

01:25:53.000 Go back to him.

01:25:54.000 But you put hair on him?

01:25:55.000 Yeah.

01:25:55.000 That's terrifying.

01:25:56.000 Give him a really wispy beard.

01:25:58.000 Oh, God.

01:25:58.000 And thin hair and small hands.

01:26:01.000 And everyone goes, so you met him, right?

01:26:03.000 Isn't it wonderful?

01:26:03.000 And he goes, well, yeah, it's wonderful.

01:26:05.000 I mean, I'm so happy to be here.

01:26:07.000 And I obviously accept him into my heart, but I thought he was a little more mainstream.

01:26:13.000 That got me.

01:26:14.000 Just other people not regarding it at all.

01:26:17.000 It's basically like Larry David.

01:26:19.000 You're the only one who thinks he looks weird.

01:26:27.000 Hey, Gavin, Corporal Cumstain.

01:26:29.000 I was watching the K-12 called episode and couldn't believe I was seeing you guys cover Lovely Peach's music.

01:26:33.000 I've followed her for a while now, and holy shit, you would not believe the vile things that she posts.

01:26:36.000 There have been instances where she will post a video of herself crying in pain, and the caption reads something along the lines of, The little bugs in my vagina won't stop biting, make them stop.

01:26:46.000 Other times, she would post a video of herself shitting and moaning, and eventually made me wonder if this is just a person who is pretending to be severely retarded.

01:26:53.000 Yeah, that seems to be the controversy with her.

01:26:56.000 Every time I tell myself there's no way this is just an act, she posts something 10 times worse, and I start to doubt it again.

01:27:01.000 On a side note, there was a golden clip from the show 60 Days In that would make a great video drop.

01:27:07.000 That's the link.

01:27:08.000 And if the timestamp doesn't work, it's 1449.

01:27:11.000 TV perspective comes out.

01:27:13.000 You ain't going to TV, you're going to jail.

01:27:15.000 And if you come in like that, you may think you're a badass, but your attitude right now is going to get your ass whooped.

01:27:21.000 Because you come across as a bitch.

01:27:25.000 There's three good ones in there.

01:27:27.000 Yeah.

01:27:28.000 You ain't going to TV, you're going to jail.

01:27:30.000 I think you come across as a bitch is the winner, but I don't think that's really worthy of a.

01:27:34.000 What was the last one we wanted?

01:27:36.000 I kind of like that.

01:27:40.000 I forget.

01:27:41.000 Anyway.

01:27:42.000 Greetings to Gavin and the deputy director of the fag zone.

01:27:47.000 Not cool.

01:27:48.000 I've noticed through the years that women under the age of 30, Millennium, aren't into actual cinema, movies like Goodfellows Jaws.

01:27:54.000 Instead, they seem to hate movies that trend toward complex, rewarding, and not always happy in the end.

01:28:01.000 And favor movies that are for children or have enough token woke actors that they can be certified trigger-free.

01:28:07.000 This seems to me, regardless of them, having kids or abortions like Nadler, oh, fucking Jerry Nadler?

01:28:13.000 His body perplexes me.

01:28:16.000 He's the lollipop guild.

01:28:17.000 Maybe he could have been in the Jesus sketch.

01:28:22.000 This seems like I'm a Catholic.

01:28:24.000 I'm a Knight of Columbus.

01:28:26.000 I don't think I'm disparaging Jesus by coming up with a funny scenario where he looked weird.

01:28:30.000 You're still trying to justify it.

01:28:32.000 I don't know.

01:28:33.000 And if you're not allowed to do that in Catholicism, well, then I don't want to.

01:28:38.000 This seems to be regardless of having kids or abortions like Nadler.

01:28:41.000 Is the easy explanation because they're meant to be moms and all those?

01:28:41.000 Is it all in my head?

01:28:44.000 Holy shit.

01:28:45.000 What?

01:28:46.000 I looked up, I was going to do a quick Photoshop.

01:28:48.000 I looked up Jesus' hair and beard.

01:28:50.000 Look what the second result is.

01:28:51.000 It's literally that guy, but with fucking Jesus' hair.

01:28:55.000 That's the same thing.

01:28:56.000 That would be good.

01:28:57.000 If his mustache looked fake.

01:28:59.000 That's the same guy as this.

01:29:02.000 I mean, what's different about that?

01:29:04.000 Maybe Jesus is telling us right now that he's okay with the joke.

01:29:07.000 He thinks it's funny.

01:29:08.000 He's like, I won't go with the first result.

01:29:08.000 Right.

01:29:10.000 First result.

01:29:11.000 I feel like Jesus.

01:29:11.000 That's my best picture.

01:29:13.000 Jesus might be one of those guys who appreciates humor, but he's not that funny himself.

01:29:17.000 So he'll not.

01:29:18.000 Chloe 70 is like that.

01:29:20.000 She has an incredible taste in humor.

01:29:21.000 I used to know her, hang out a tiny bit with her.

01:29:25.000 And she loves good jokes.

01:29:26.000 She has very high, like Mitch Hedberg, Louis C.K., Strangers with Candy, makes up quality.

01:29:32.000 But she's never funny ever.

01:29:33.000 Does she even try?

01:29:34.000 No, she just knows she's funny.

01:29:35.000 That's my friend.

01:29:36.000 Yeah, my friend Peter was the same way.

01:29:38.000 Hard laughs at everything, never tried to even be funny.

01:29:40.000 He stayed in his lane.

01:29:41.000 Also, when are you and Milo doing a big fuck you speaking to her together?

01:29:44.000 Would love you to come through Texas.

01:29:46.000 It's not like the left follows the motherfucking Roni rules anyways.

01:29:48.000 Why can't we party too?

01:29:51.000 Yep.

01:29:53.000 I love these Rona rules not applying to BLM.

01:29:56.000 Well, I'll tell you why women don't like good movies.

01:29:59.000 It's because why is our ad guy mailing into the mailbag?

01:30:06.000 Anyway, it's because of the K through 12 cult.

01:30:10.000 And now Netflix is joining in on this.

01:30:12.000 Find that clip you were showing before.

01:30:14.000 Netflix has become Dar Man.

01:30:18.000 And their propaganda, the Obama propaganda, is just, it's equally as bad as Dar Man.

01:30:26.000 This is a clip called The Babysitters Club.

01:30:29.000 And in it, someone makes the mistake of misgendering a patient.

01:30:34.000 You know what, doctors?

01:30:35.000 Just make me better.

01:30:36.000 You can call me a chick.

01:30:38.000 You can say my vagina has a foreskin.

01:30:40.000 I don't really care.

01:30:41.000 You can call me a faggot if you want.

01:30:43.000 You can give me the finger.

01:30:44.000 On my chart, you can write in Sharpie, this guy sucks.

01:30:48.000 But please focus on fixing me.

01:30:51.000 I'm very thankful.

01:30:53.000 Okay.

01:30:54.000 Took a while, but we finally found a file for a Bailey Delvecchio.

01:30:57.000 Is 32 Burnhill Road still the current address?

01:30:59.000 Yeah.

01:31:00.000 Have you been giving him fluids?

01:31:01.000 If he's dehydrated, we'll need to place an IV.

01:31:03.000 Have him change into this.

01:31:05.000 I don't want the Lord.

01:31:07.000 Um, well.

01:31:08.000 Hi here.

01:31:09.000 someone's not feeling well.

01:31:10.000 Hold on a second.

01:31:11.000 Let's take a look at the little man.

01:31:12.000 Pause.

01:31:12.000 Where's the parents?

01:31:14.000 When you get so sick, you have to go to the hospital, your friend takes you there.

01:31:17.000 What are these two?

01:31:18.000 Eight?

01:31:19.000 Nine?

01:31:19.000 Ten?

01:31:20.000 Maybe 11?

01:31:21.000 *Gunsch*

01:31:26.000 Consider nine-year-old.

01:31:27.000 Can I please talk to you two outside?

01:31:29.000 Oh, you're in shit now.

01:31:30.000 Uh-oh.

01:31:31.000 A semi-black nine-year-old has had enough of your bullshit.

01:31:38.000 I know that you guys are busy.

01:31:40.000 She must be 13.

01:31:42.000 But as you would see, if you looked at her and not her chart, Bailey is not a boy.

01:31:48.000 Pause.

01:31:49.000 Doctors, if you're watching this, look at the chart.

01:31:52.000 Right.

01:31:52.000 Focus on the chart.

01:31:53.000 I would be offended if you thought I was a woman.

01:31:55.000 I'm not really offended.

01:31:56.000 I'd be confused.

01:31:57.000 Maybe if I had a hangover a tiny bit annoyed that you thought that this was a woman's face, but that's for me, for my own time.

01:32:06.000 Focus on the chart.

01:32:07.000 Is my cut infected?

01:32:08.000 Do I need antibiotics?

01:32:10.000 Is my leg broken?

01:32:11.000 Please look at the x-rays.

01:32:12.000 Look at the chart.

01:32:15.000 And by treating her like one, you are completely ignoring who she is.

01:32:19.000 You're making her feel insignificant and humiliated.

01:32:23.000 And that's not going to help her feel good or safe or calm.

01:32:26.000 I think that's a guy.

01:32:27.000 I recognize him.

01:32:29.000 I'm here on now.

01:32:30.000 Please recognize her for who she is.

01:32:33.000 Look, he's going to cry.

01:32:35.000 What have I done?

01:32:36.000 All I did was take 12 years in medical school and try to make sure that your friend's life was okay.

01:32:42.000 And if at all possible.

01:32:43.000 Tried to make your stranger, your friend, a stranger to me, healthy.

01:32:48.000 That was my sin.

01:32:49.000 I'm sorry, but the last doctor that saw her here held her by the ankle and said it's a boy and spent grass.

01:32:55.000 So I'm just kind of going a non-blue hospital gown.

01:33:00.000 Oh yeah, that's the best part.

01:33:01.000 Good or safe or calm.

01:33:02.000 So, I'm here on now.

01:33:05.000 Please recognize her and who she is.

01:33:09.000 And if at all possible, could you find me a non-blue hospital gown?

01:33:12.000 What?

01:33:13.000 No.

01:33:13.000 There's only one color of hospital gowns.

01:33:16.000 This isn't McDonald's where you want a net, like a Hot Wheels toy or a Barbie.

01:33:20.000 Has there, this is crazy because there's been, I don't know, trillions of hospital visits over the years.

01:33:25.000 Let's focus on the Western world.

01:33:27.000 Has there been one instance?

01:33:30.000 One.

01:33:31.000 We can pull in Germany.

01:33:32.000 We can go back to the 30s, 40s, whenever hospital gowns began.

01:33:36.000 Has there been one instance of a woman going, oh, ugh, could I get a pink gown?

01:33:42.000 I don't like blue.

01:33:43.000 Blue is for boys.

01:33:45.000 Has that ever happened once?

01:33:48.000 Has a woman ever been offended by a medical thing being blue?

01:33:52.000 They're all blue, by the way.

01:33:54.000 What the fuck are you talking about?

01:33:56.000 Pink's not good, by the way.

01:33:57.000 I need to see blood.

01:33:59.000 Oh, good point.

01:34:00.000 If there's a faint trace of blood coming from your pustulant sore, I want to spot it like that.

01:34:05.000 Yeah, because it could look wet.

01:34:07.000 Yeah, I don't want it hidden in a pink garb.

01:34:11.000 Anyway, we gotta go.

01:34:14.000 Rye guy, I sent you a video just now for the final videos.

01:34:18.000 Okay.

01:34:18.000 And it's a great video of Nancy Pelosi's district in San Francisco.

01:34:22.000 By the way, we have a geriatric problem in politics right now.

01:34:26.000 Biden is 140.

01:34:28.000 Trump's pretty old.

01:34:31.000 Nancy Pelosi's 80.

01:34:32.000 Nadler looks like he's well over 200.

01:34:37.000 And they don't know what they're doing.

01:34:38.000 They're incompetent.

01:34:39.000 So this is what happens when an 80-year-old is in charge of a district.

01:34:44.000 And just, hold on a sec, hold on a sec.

01:34:46.000 These people are in San Francisco.

01:34:49.000 The median two-bedroom apartment is probably $3,400.

01:34:53.000 So you're paying $3,400 a month in your BMW, which is another $35,000, to live here in Port-au-Prince, Caracas, New Delhi.

01:35:10.000 San Francisco is literally turd world.

01:35:14.000 Look how hard it is to maneuver.

01:35:15.000 Hey man, I don't want to fuck your buzz or anything, but.

01:35:19.000 Who's in my house?

01:35:21.000 Get out of here.

01:35:22.000 I was in my imaginary living room.

01:35:23.000 This is how he makes it dark out so he can enjoy his buzz in darkness.

01:35:26.000 He puts his jacket over his head and he doesn't even take it off.

01:35:29.000 There, is that good enough?

01:35:30.000 Fine, I'll move a bit more.

01:35:32.000 God.

01:35:34.000 Is that going to make it?

01:35:35.000 Yes.

01:35:35.000 He drives through some takeout.

01:35:37.000 That's on your wheels now, reeking up your garage.

01:35:40.000 Excuse me, sleepy.

01:35:41.000 I got to get in there.

01:35:43.000 I got to get in there.

01:35:44.000 Look, this driver, by the way, has got it down to the cunt hair.

01:35:48.000 Look, he's, man, there's not a lot of room there.

01:35:51.000 It's like in Britain, rural Britain with the hedges.

01:35:54.000 You know, I see this completely different.

01:35:56.000 These guys are so rich, they have live lawn gnomes.

01:35:58.000 Pretty nice.

01:36:02.000 Yeah, kind of squeeze in behind that.

01:36:05.000 I don't even know what that is, ramen?

01:36:07.000 And the rest of them are just not on this earth.

01:36:11.000 They're not on earth.

01:36:12.000 Imagine the conversation that the one standing is having.

01:36:17.000 This bitch needs to be called right.

01:36:19.000 And if you're at work and you want to call her out and you feel like it's going to affect your job, then let it affect your job.

01:36:25.000 Get fired.

01:36:26.000 Get in trouble.

01:36:27.000 Be brave.

Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes - July 28, 2020

S02E192 - HOW TO RAISE A KID PART 1： TEN PARENTING BASICS [2020-07-28 - S02E192 - HOW TO RAISE A KID PART 1： TEN PARENTING BASICS]

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