Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes - S02E60

00:00:13.000 Live from New York, it's Get Off My Lawn with Kevin McGuinness.

00:00:24.000 I feel the home.

00:00:28.000 That song takes a long ass time to get good.

00:00:32.000 I love it.

00:00:33.000 Gay intro.

00:00:35.000 Very gay intro.

00:00:37.000 I'm wearing this sweatshirt today to commemorate my hatred for thin hoodies.

00:00:43.000 I was watching the Mets game and Mickey Calloway, he wears a hoodie t-shirt, which drives me nuts.

00:00:48.000 The purpose of this is a lifeguard is cold and he puts his or her hood up to stay warm.

00:00:56.000 When you have a floppy hood and you put it on your head, it looks like a foreskin.

00:01:00.000 So it's just there as an accoutrement.

00:01:03.000 And that's gay.

00:01:05.000 That's lame.

00:01:06.000 You have to...

00:01:10.000 Hoods should be utilitarian.

00:01:13.000 They're about warmth.

00:01:15.000 And even having a thin sweatshirt at all is infuriating.

00:01:19.000 You know what I mean?

00:01:20.000 Yeah.

00:01:21.000 And that heather material, that's the heather pattern.

00:01:24.000 I hate that.

00:01:26.000 Wait, we have clown worlds that are in that pattern in gray.

00:01:29.000 Yeah, but that's different.

00:01:31.000 In what sense?

00:01:32.000 Because some people like that.

00:01:33.000 Because that pays your bills.

00:01:34.000 See, this is what a hood should be.

00:01:37.000 It should be thick.

00:01:38.000 I know it doesn't look cool.

00:01:39.000 It's not about cool.

00:01:41.000 I hate when people wear hoods to be cool.

00:01:44.000 Especially like, that's an East New York thing.

00:01:47.000 In the hood, they'll wear their hoods up all the time.

00:01:49.000 And with their shower shoes and their sweatpants, you go, are you under house arrest?

00:01:53.000 Why are you dressed like that?

00:01:56.000 Yeah, that was Eddie Money.

00:01:57.000 Take Me Home Tonight.

00:01:59.000 He also died.

00:02:00.000 We gave so much attention to Rick Okasich yesterday.

00:02:02.000 I felt kind of bad for not handling our NYPD blues.

00:02:08.000 Eddie Money's dad was a cops, brother's a cop, big cop family.

00:02:11.000 He claims he was a cop.

00:02:12.000 I don't think he ever graduated the rookie school, the academy.

00:02:17.000 But he just like posed with, you know, NYPD stuff on at a typewriter because it was a cool look.

00:02:24.000 Yeah, this picture's fake.

00:02:26.000 Look at that.

00:02:27.000 The shirt is brand new.

00:02:28.000 He's wearing his brother's shirt.

00:02:30.000 You didn't fill out paperwork at the MYPD.

00:02:32.000 Yeah, and you hold your baton on you while you typewrite?

00:02:36.000 What kind of cop.

00:02:37.000 But that song is a jam.

00:02:39.000 Let's dive a little deeper into it, into the middle of it.

00:02:42.000 Take me home tonight.

00:02:46.000 So it's got that gay 80s intro.

00:02:48.000 I'm saying gay too much.

00:02:49.000 Sorry, homos.

00:02:54.000 That's actually Ronnie Spectre.

00:02:58.000 But the breakdown is good when it's like, shhm.

00:03:02.000 So lame, lame.

00:03:06.000 By the way, say no woman, take me home tonight?

00:03:10.000 Why don't we just go to the fuck at your house?

00:03:14.000 No, I want you to take me home.

00:03:16.000 Okay, is your house disgusting?

00:03:18.000 Are your roommates creeps?

00:03:19.000 No.

00:03:20.000 I just like the idea of you taking me home and making love to me.

00:03:23.000 Well, what are you gonna do?

00:03:24.000 Just lie there?

00:03:25.000 Yeah, you mount me.

00:03:27.000 I'll just lie there.

00:03:28.000 I want you to take me.

00:03:30.000 Take me home tonight and then take me.

00:03:32.000 Take me in your arms, lady.

00:03:34.000 And hold the doors for me, too.

00:03:36.000 Yeah, just put your arms around me.

00:03:37.000 I want to feel safe.

00:03:38.000 I want to put my head right here.

00:03:40.000 And just feel safe, nuscled.

00:03:42.000 You can put your arm around me.

00:03:43.000 I'll fall asleep right here.

00:03:46.000 Thanks for taking me home.

00:03:48.000 And this referencing, just like Ronnie is saying.

00:03:51.000 Yeah, I'm not sure.

00:03:51.000 You're referencing a chick.

00:03:52.000 My favorite band's the Ronettes.

00:03:55.000 You know the song, Be My Baby?

00:03:56.000 That's my favorite song.

00:03:58.000 Will you take me home?

00:03:59.000 I want to be your little baby.

00:04:01.000 Can I suck your boobies?

00:04:03.000 Will you breastfeed me?

00:04:05.000 But it does get good.

00:04:06.000 Play it.

00:04:07.000 Wait, what happened?

00:04:07.000 All right.

00:04:09.000 Like in the middle, it's got that cool breakdown.

00:04:11.000 *music* *music*

00:04:19.000 Here we go.

00:04:20.000 Hold on, let's go.

00:04:24.000 It's got like jeep.

00:04:29.000 I feel a humble.

00:04:30.000 Well then why don't you take her to your house pussy?

00:04:32.000 There we go.

00:04:34.000 Oh.

00:04:51.000 Maybe that's why he didn't become a cop, because he's a pussy.

00:04:54.000 Sorry, Eddie, to disparage you after you did.

00:04:56.000 I don't like to speak ill of the dead, but it reminded me of Ronnie Spector and her insane life.

00:05:01.000 You have to get this book, Be My Baby.

00:05:04.000 What's it called?

00:05:04.000 It's got a really long subhead.

00:05:06.000 How I Survived Mascara, Mini Skirts, and Madness, or My Life is a Fabulous Ronnette.

00:05:13.000 Now, she was married to the wall of sound guy, Phil Spector, who basically invented the rock and roll we know and love today.

00:05:23.000 I met him at the candy store.

00:05:26.000 He would layer things like 80 times.

00:05:29.000 So one little guitar sounded like an orchestra.

00:05:32.000 And he was also a fucking nut bar who killed a woman.

00:05:35.000 But he was married to Ronnie Specter, hence her last name.

00:05:38.000 And he tormented her.

00:05:40.000 He was so controlling, such a freak.

00:05:43.000 He was such a freak that when he was unavailable to chaperone her, she would drive around in a car that had him as a mannequin.

00:05:56.000 A stuffed mannequin in the passenger seat, dressed like him with his wig on, wearing sunglasses.

00:06:03.000 You probably can't find that.

00:06:07.000 But it had sunglasses on, and it would just sit in her car as Phil Specter.

00:06:13.000 He controlled where she went, what she ate, what she did.

00:06:16.000 She was about 20.

00:06:18.000 Puerto Rican.

00:06:19.000 Look how Puerto Rican she is.

00:06:20.000 That's pretty nice.

00:06:22.000 That's as Puerto Rican as Puerto Ricans get, right?

00:06:24.000 Yeah.

00:06:24.000 Like a dash of black.

00:06:26.000 It looks more Dominican, to be fair.

00:06:27.000 Like the eyes.

00:06:29.000 Really?

00:06:29.000 Yeah.

00:06:30.000 Yeah, there's a lot of eyes.

00:06:31.000 Dominican eyes are different than Puerto Rican eyes.

00:06:33.000 Oh, yeah.

00:06:33.000 Yeah.

00:06:34.000 Puerto Rican eyes.

00:06:36.000 They're watching you.

00:06:37.000 She's got Puerto Rican eyes.

00:06:39.000 Dude, dude.

00:06:40.000 That's when she's getting mad old.

00:06:42.000 When she started the run out, she was 20.

00:06:44.000 Wow.

00:06:45.000 But yeah, that book is amazing.

00:06:47.000 Let's see a bit of Be My Baby.

00:06:49.000 I love girl music, like girl groups from the 50s and 60s.

00:06:55.000 That's back when they were well-behaved.

00:06:56.000 Remember when he hit me, it felt like a kiss?

00:06:58.000 The crystals?

00:06:59.000 All right, here we go.

00:07:00.000 When he hit me, it felt like a kiss.

00:07:04.000 Because it showed he loved me.

00:07:07.000 Good girl.

00:07:12.000 And if I had the chance, I would never let you go.

00:07:19.000 I so want you to say you love me.

00:07:23.000 You hear that music?

00:07:24.000 Sounds like it's 9,000 people.

00:07:39.000 That is a big sound.

00:07:42.000 Yeah.

00:07:47.000 Not that we advocate shooting women in the head.

00:07:51.000 All right, that's enough of that.

00:07:52.000 Speaking of broads, I've been watching commercials.

00:07:56.000 Before you show the two chick commercials I sent you at the 11th hour, let's look at this Geico one closely.

00:08:02.000 Because there's two things going on with the cuck commercials.

00:08:05.000 One, men are human garbage, especially white men, are human garbage and they suck.

00:08:10.000 But now black men are getting pulled into this.

00:08:12.000 Like the she shed, they didn't burn down your she-shed, Cheryl.

00:08:15.000 And he's just sitting there with a garden hose, just like limp, just like with a pug nose just going, they didn't destroy your she-shed, Cheryl.

00:08:24.000 And then water's trickling out of his limp penis.

00:08:26.000 So black men, you want to be treated equally?

00:08:28.000 Welcome aboard.

00:08:30.000 Welcome to being second-class citizen in the family, being a pathetic loser piece of shit.

00:08:35.000 Or in Black Mirror, we're like, all right, you guys are the leading roles.

00:08:38.000 Now you're two gay nerds.

00:08:39.000 Yeah, we're going to have you both fuck each other.

00:08:41.000 This is what men do in TV.

00:08:42.000 Now, you happy?

00:08:43.000 I don't want to be a gangster anymore.

00:08:44.000 I'm sick of always being a criminal badass.

00:08:46.000 Okay, now you're a fag.

00:08:49.000 Oh, can I go back to the stereotypical roles, please?

00:08:53.000 I kind of like Boys in the Hood better than Boys in the Butt.

00:08:57.000 I just made that up, right?

00:08:58.000 That's really good.

00:08:59.000 All right, so watch this football ad closely, this Geico ad.

00:09:03.000 Just pause.

00:09:05.000 That's obviously a doofus dork, right?

00:09:07.000 Mustaches are known as like a douche.

00:09:11.000 So he's like a useless douche.

00:09:15.000 Since the agents available 24-7, it's not just easy.

00:09:18.000 It's having Jerome Bettis on your flag football team easy.

00:09:21.000 Go get him, bust!

00:09:23.000 Okay, watch closely.

00:09:24.000 Pause.

00:09:26.000 You'll notice that when the white, first of all, the white guys go down like that, but there's one where he really just shoves them down.

00:09:31.000 I think it's this guy.

00:09:32.000 And they choose that moment to cheer hysterically at the white guy getting his face shoved into the grass.

00:09:40.000 Move.

00:09:42.000 Here.

00:09:44.000 See that?

00:09:45.000 Just pause.

00:09:46.000 Weird.

00:09:47.000 So they love it when that happens, right?

00:09:50.000 Wait, what's going on with the AC?

00:09:51.000 I thought we turned it off.

00:10:00.000 But then they end the commercial because that's not the commercial I saw.

00:10:03.000 Keep going.

00:10:04.000 Oh, yeah!

00:10:05.000 Oh, not that easy.

00:10:10.000 Then he goes and chases the white guys away.

00:10:14.000 Oh, this is the longer.

00:10:15.000 Now look, the black guy, he puts up a good fight, and he holds on to him.

00:10:22.000 It's Geico Easy.

00:10:24.000 So in the shorter version, they just shove the white guy down.

00:10:24.000 Whoa.

00:10:26.000 Everyone goes, yeah.

00:10:27.000 And then the black guy puts up a good fight against this professional football player.

00:10:33.000 So now I look a little weird.

00:10:34.000 Now I look like I'm nitpicking and I'm like, well, the boycott didn't get enough time on screen.

00:10:40.000 So let's look at this, not that commercial, but the Audi.

00:10:44.000 How insane is this?

00:10:47.000 Now I know this is not me being crazy.

00:10:49.000 This is ridiculous.

00:10:55.000 We're coming to get you.

00:11:00.000 Ow!

00:11:01.000 *Ding*

00:11:09.000 Where are you landing?

00:11:11.000 In the sunroof?

00:11:14.000 All right, let's just go back over that from the beginning, please.

00:11:20.000 Hey, I would like to say, A, no woman on earth has a fantasy about being next to the guys that she was just at a conference with.

00:11:30.000 They were all probably working pretty hard.

00:11:31.000 They're kind of hungover.

00:11:33.000 I've been to a lot of conferences.

00:11:34.000 You usually feel pretty good when you're coming back.

00:11:36.000 It's usually very fruitful.

00:11:38.000 That's why they're successful.

00:11:39.000 You got a big briefcase full of business cards.

00:11:41.000 You made some serious contacts.

00:11:42.000 I don't know.

00:11:42.000 Maybe I've just been lucky.

00:11:44.000 But back in Vice days, we used to go to these retail fashion conferences.

00:11:49.000 And I don't know.

00:11:50.000 They've always seemed to work out pretty good.

00:11:51.000 So you're coming back.

00:11:52.000 They're relaxing too.

00:11:52.000 You had some fun.

00:11:53.000 You get to party.

00:11:54.000 So the idea that I hate my two co-workers, my two six foot five co-workers, that's weird.

00:12:00.000 And then the idea that I'm a fugitive and I'm going to beat the shit out of them and escape the plane.

00:12:04.000 No woman, not one, has ever had this fantasy ever.

00:12:10.000 So who are they trying to appeal to?

00:12:15.000 Someone's coming to rescue me from this plane.

00:12:17.000 That I could imagine.

00:12:18.000 I hate flying.

00:12:19.000 Okay, pause.

00:12:21.000 Have you ever hit your head on the back of a plane seat?

00:12:24.000 You mean the ones that are probably made to kind of spend possibly billions, but definitely millions making sure you don't hit your head.

00:12:35.000 If you're next to a federal agent and you grab the back of his head and go, wham, in the airplane seat in front of him, he'll go, what the fuck?

00:12:42.000 What's the matter with you?

00:12:44.000 Are you crazy?

00:12:46.000 I'm going to charge you with assault.

00:12:47.000 I'm going to add that to your charges.

00:12:49.000 Even though that obviously didn't hurt, it's a little soft foam thing with several layers of foam core behind the foam.

00:12:57.000 I'm still mad at you.

00:12:58.000 And then the next guy, the Black guy, boiling hot coffee in his face.

00:13:03.000 Yes, that hurts like hell.

00:13:06.000 You go, ah, god damn it.

00:13:10.000 Jesus Christ, Marty, what's going on with her?

00:13:13.000 We got to handcuff both her hands.

00:13:15.000 Ah, shit.

00:13:16.000 My face is all burnt.

00:13:18.000 Not third-degree burns, but uncomfortable burns nonetheless.

00:13:22.000 And now I'm mad.

00:13:23.000 Yeah.

00:13:24.000 Not, ah, I can't move.

00:13:28.000 Take my keys.

00:13:29.000 Ow!

00:13:32.000 The other guy's incapacitated.

00:13:34.000 Is there some sort of electrical taser fluid in your coffee?

00:13:37.000 There's no.

00:13:37.000 Why are you so incapacitated?

00:13:39.000 Yeah.

00:13:40.000 All right, keep going.

00:13:43.000 We should have made this a green screen.

00:13:45.000 Another thing, that's a commercial flight?

00:13:47.000 Like she's a high-profile prisoner agent on a commercial flight?

00:13:51.000 Yeah, that's also weird.

00:13:53.000 And third, why is every baggage claim thing just bursting at the seams?

00:13:58.000 Everyone position their stuff just so it's about to fall.

00:14:01.000 And fifthly, federal agents have the ability, thanks to their training, to step over an inflatable neck pillow.

00:14:12.000 They tried very hard.

00:14:14.000 Eventually, when you finally make it to the bureau, you can go like this and step over a suitcase to catch a five-foot-tall woman.

00:14:21.000 An AOC-build woman.

00:14:23.000 Yeah, AOC's midget sister can be obtained.

00:14:27.000 Oh, those are actually temporopedic, not inflatable neck pillows.

00:14:30.000 I apologize.

00:14:34.000 Those doors don't open?

00:14:36.000 And then what the fuck is happening here?

00:14:38.000 They're both exposed.

00:14:39.000 They're going at like 50 miles an hour.

00:14:41.000 What are you grabbing onto when you land on that car?

00:14:44.000 The little lip where the front window is, the windshield?

00:14:49.000 Like, what happens when you hit the car?

00:14:52.000 Bounce off.

00:14:53.000 I would open the sunroof.

00:14:54.000 You fall in.

00:14:55.000 You're going to break both your legs, but at least you're not going to prison.

00:14:58.000 By the way, good luck getting off the tarmac.

00:15:01.000 Right.

00:15:01.000 It's some of the highest security places on earth.

00:15:04.000 It's all fenced in.

00:15:05.000 What are you going to do?

00:15:06.000 is go out the side door and drive home.

00:15:08.000 We're good.

00:15:12.000 So this is 101% shit.

00:15:16.000 Jessica pointed out how these poor guys are just sleeping.

00:15:19.000 It's not like they got the seats to be like, hey, let's sandwich this bitch in.

00:15:24.000 Yeah.

00:15:24.000 And they probably would give her a different seat.

00:15:27.000 I know men.

00:15:28.000 I'm gay for men.

00:15:29.000 And two giants, they're probably used to, you know, being giant.

00:15:31.000 They're like, you can sit here if you'd like.

00:15:33.000 Yeah, I gave a woman my seat the other day, and I'm not a giant or cool.

00:15:38.000 But are you using yourself as an example of a giant?

00:15:40.000 You're literally a foot tall.

00:15:42.000 I said shorter than these guys.

00:15:43.000 I said, I'm not a giant.

00:15:44.000 And I gave my seat away to a lady.

00:15:46.000 I traded seats.

00:15:47.000 All right.

00:15:48.000 But also, like, those guys are probably holding in their farts for her.

00:15:53.000 Yeah, you said that last time.

00:15:55.000 I don't think that's true.

00:15:56.000 Yeah, they're holding in their farts for her.

00:15:57.000 They go to the toilet and fart.

00:15:59.000 Exactly.

00:16:00.000 For her benefit.

00:16:00.000 For her.

00:16:01.000 For her t-shirt.

00:16:02.000 Go to the toilet and fart.

00:16:04.000 That'd be funny if it's our new insult.

00:16:06.000 You know what?

00:16:06.000 Go to the toilet and fart.

00:16:08.000 Actually, that is a Chinese insult.

00:16:10.000 Really?

00:16:11.000 Yeah, it's like, stop, your farts are filling up your face or something about holding in farts.

00:16:16.000 It's like a Mandarin insult.

00:16:18.000 Don't go look it up.

00:16:19.000 All right, so can't get any crazier than this, right?

00:16:22.000 Let's check out this other commercial Charlie's Tharone is doing for Budweiser.

00:16:28.000 They've re-released their original Budweiser recipe that I believe George Washington came up with back in the 70s, the 1970s.

00:16:37.000 Yeah.

00:16:38.000 When he was 102 years old.

00:16:40.000 So yeah, they've got his original blend.

00:16:42.000 It's in a little stubby bottle.

00:16:43.000 I tried it.

00:16:44.000 It's a little too tasty for me.

00:16:48.000 I like my beer bland.

00:16:50.000 But I do advocate for craft beer.

00:16:52.000 It's just not my cup of tea.

00:16:53.000 I'm sorry.

00:16:54.000 I like shitty beer.

00:16:55.000 But I don't have a problem with men brewing craft beer, which we'll get to later on in the show.

00:17:00.000 We have Lily Singh and Rain Wilson on the show.

00:17:02.000 We're very excited to say.

00:17:05.000 I'm already getting hot.

00:17:06.000 I knew it.

00:17:08.000 Here's the deal, guys.

00:17:09.000 You can't wear a sweatshirt if it's more than 60 degrees out.

00:17:12.000 I know you want to.

00:17:13.000 You think they're cool.

00:17:14.000 So you've got a skinny, thin one made of t-shirt material.

00:17:18.000 No.

00:17:19.000 You might as well have a t-shirt material parka on or a t-shirt material boots.

00:17:25.000 No.

00:17:28.000 Well, canvas, you know, converse.

00:17:32.000 Canvas converse?

00:17:33.000 Yeah, converse and made of canvas.

00:17:34.000 I think that's a bad material.

00:17:37.000 What?

00:17:37.000 For anything but summer.

00:17:38.000 You wear converse in the wintertime, right?

00:17:40.000 No, I wear red wings.

00:17:42.000 Like all real men.

00:17:43.000 Alright.

00:17:44.000 Go ahead.

00:17:48.000 Alright, this is fine.

00:17:50.000 You know what?

00:17:50.000 I know a lot.

00:17:51.000 My wife drinks beer all the time.

00:17:53.000 Not all the time, but like once every couple weeks, she'll try a beer.

00:17:58.000 Uh-oh.

00:18:00.000 Okay, this is your first mistake.

00:18:03.000 Hold my beer.

00:18:04.000 No.

00:18:06.000 actually.

00:18:18.000 Okay, just pause.

00:18:20.000 To be really, really good at pool, as my dad points out, you have to waste most of your life.

00:18:27.000 Like, you have to have been playing pool in a bar for pretty much your entire formative years, 18 to 26, to get really, really good.

00:18:35.000 And it's like it's, well, my dad would say, people are good at fighting or good at pool have been wasting their bloody lives.

00:18:42.000 He wasn't talking about boxing.

00:18:43.000 He meant like just being fighting in bars.

00:18:45.000 So there's no way a smoke show like Charlize Therone was spending any amount of time playing pool.

00:18:52.000 There's probably two attractive female pool players in the world.

00:18:57.000 And the idea that Charlize is one of them, okay, you know what?

00:19:00.000 My suspension of disbelief can almost handle it, but she better have no other talents.

00:19:04.000 Like she can't drive.

00:19:06.000 She has to have all her food spoon fed to her.

00:19:08.000 She can't digest properly.

00:19:09.000 She has an IV and she drinks yogurt.

00:19:12.000 And she's at a center for handicapped people where they put her pants on for her.

00:19:17.000 And they don't get horny while they do it because they're professionals.

00:19:20.000 Here we go.

00:19:21.000 It's cheating to rock her rock.

00:19:24.000 What the heck?

00:19:25.000 Wait, now, okay, now she's also a darts Expert.

00:19:30.000 So I guess she's 320 years old.

00:19:33.000 What is she?

00:19:34.000 A vampire?

00:19:35.000 How did she practice darts?

00:19:38.000 And again, back to the Audi thing: women don't have this fantasy.

00:19:41.000 There's no woman at a bar, none, who are sitting around going, that would be so badass if I could just walk over to those guys and totally kick their ass at pool while listening to Run DMC and a Budweiser in my hand.

00:19:54.000 And then take those same guys and kick their butts at darts.

00:19:58.000 That would be badass.

00:20:00.000 It doesn't go through their heads.

00:20:02.000 That's a male fantasy.

00:20:03.000 I've had that fantasy.

00:20:04.000 I've had fantasies where I come in and beat everyone up and play darts and blah blah blah.

00:20:07.000 That's a normal male fantasy.

00:20:08.000 It's not a female fantasy ever.

00:20:10.000 Who is this commercial for?

00:20:13.000 I guess nerds?

00:20:14.000 Yeah.

00:20:15.000 Boom.

00:20:17.000 Hey, Charlize, just pause.

00:20:19.000 If you're watching this, you may punch me in the face as hard as you possibly can.

00:20:22.000 I'd like to take my glasses off.

00:20:24.000 These are like $450.

00:20:26.000 But I'll sit here like this, and you may punch me as hard as you fucking can.

00:20:30.000 And I'll give you a thousand bucks if my nose bleeds.

00:20:33.000 You will not crack my lip.

00:20:35.000 You obviously won't knock me out.

00:20:37.000 I will have a red mark here for an hour.

00:20:41.000 Have you ever been punched?

00:20:42.000 This is why I made up this rule about domestic violence.

00:20:45.000 You may hit a woman every 12 times she hits you.

00:20:49.000 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, bonk.

00:20:52.000 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, bonk.

00:20:56.000 Well, not a fist.

00:20:58.000 Yes.

00:20:59.000 Oh, wow.

00:20:59.000 She has to be punching you, though.

00:21:00.000 She can't be going like this.

00:21:02.000 I owe some.

00:21:03.000 But she's like, fuo, beh, foo, bish.

00:21:06.000 And now, have you ever, first of all, you played pool with women, right?

00:21:09.000 They suck.

00:21:10.000 You keep on explaining the game.

00:21:12.000 Darts, same thing.

00:21:13.000 Oh, that's triple 20.

00:21:14.000 That's really good.

00:21:14.000 That's better than a bullseye.

00:21:16.000 You get it?

00:21:16.000 That's 60.

00:21:17.000 Well, what's the bullseye?

00:21:17.000 Okay.

00:21:18.000 That's 50.

00:21:19.000 You want to try to get triple 20 or the bullseye?

00:21:19.000 Oh, okay.

00:21:22.000 You understand it yet?

00:21:23.000 Arm wrestling, I don't think I've ever arm wrestled a woman.

00:21:26.000 It's just such a waste of time.

00:21:30.000 Mean.

00:21:31.000 Yeah, look, now she's going to beat this redneck who looks like he changes the rear axle on trucks for a living.

00:21:38.000 Rock, roll, roll.

00:21:48.000 Oh, I'm sorry.

00:21:49.000 I'm so good at arm watching.

00:21:51.000 There's an end of time.

00:21:52.000 Yeah, you should be sorry.

00:21:56.000 What a ridiculous mess, huh?

00:21:58.000 She hears it again.

00:21:59.000 She's like, guys, having fun.

00:22:00.000 Oh, that's the end of the commercial?

00:22:01.000 Is round two?

00:22:02.000 Yeah, and by the way, I thought that was looping.

00:22:04.000 Wait, show the viewers that.

00:22:07.000 So after she's done all this damage and emasculated an entire bar, some other wise ass is making noise.

00:22:13.000 Having fun.

00:22:15.000 In town.

00:22:20.000 Why does she have such disdain for other people enjoying them?

00:22:23.000 Just let him enjoy his pool game, bitch.

00:22:25.000 Hey, I'm better than you.

00:22:26.000 You know what?

00:22:26.000 I'm going to show you that you're not good at pool by creating a fictional character that's really good at pool and puts you in your place.

00:22:33.000 You know what this reminds me of?

00:22:35.000 PETA.

00:22:36.000 People for the ethical treatment of animals.

00:22:38.000 You know how they show you that you should treat animals right?

00:22:41.000 They anthropomorphesize them.

00:22:43.000 They make them into humans.

00:22:45.000 So they'll say, would you put a human in a cage outside in the freezing cold?

00:22:51.000 Or they'll brand themselves.

00:22:54.000 They'll go, you think this is cool?

00:22:57.000 Ow!

00:22:59.000 And you're sitting there as a meat eater.

00:23:00.000 And again, I was a vegetarian for 15 years.

00:23:03.000 Damn.

00:23:05.000 But you're sitting there as a meat eater going, no, no, they're different.

00:23:08.000 They're animals.

00:23:09.000 They're not humans.

00:23:10.000 And if the only way you can elicit sympathy from me is to anthropomorphize them, then you're proving my point.

00:23:18.000 It's the exact same with these women who say women are great at sports, and you say, let me see who.

00:23:23.000 And then they show you that purple-haired lesbian from the soccer team.

00:23:26.000 And you go, oh, you mean you're most male women are good at sports?

00:23:30.000 So the better you are at sports, the more male you are.

00:23:33.000 Because we know lesbians have more testosterone, and there's just simply more masculine than straight women.

00:23:39.000 Every boxing match I see, I see a lesbian beat this, every female, I see a lesbian beat the shit out of a straight chick.

00:23:47.000 Lesbians always win.

00:23:48.000 Same with MMA.

00:23:49.000 The lesbians always win.

00:23:51.000 They should be in a separate category.

00:23:53.000 What's this?

00:23:57.000 Yeah.

00:23:58.000 Because about the PETA thing.

00:23:59.000 You might as well show it now.

00:24:01.000 Where this woman, she went on a daring rescue and ended up killing babies because she took away their mothers or something.

00:24:07.000 Why is she bleeding?

00:24:09.000 Because somebody smashed the window?

00:24:12.000 She tried to save 16 rabbits from a farm.

00:24:16.000 And then I think they, I guess they, she killed 100 bunnies.

00:24:24.000 I'm literally covered in blood.

00:24:25.000 She's been accused of.

00:24:26.000 She's literally covered in blood.

00:24:28.000 Look.

00:24:31.000 Wouldn't it be funny if she died?

00:24:36.000 Yeah.

00:24:37.000 So you say a thing is a thing and it defies stereotypes and then you show me a fictional thing.

00:24:43.000 Well, that's my point.

00:24:45.000 You know what I mean?

00:24:46.000 Like if I say I'm not gay and then I go and suck a dick going, see?

00:24:50.000 No, that's a terrible analogy.

00:24:53.000 But you're telling me women are kick-ass and then you show me a video where they dominate pool and darts and they beat the shit out of everyone and win at arm wrestling.

00:25:01.000 But they don't.

00:25:02.000 Or you're telling me animals deserve to be treated fairly.

00:25:04.000 They're just like humans.

00:25:05.000 And then you show me like a human wearing a horse head and you go, you see, it hurts when I whip this.

00:25:11.000 You go, but that's not a horse.

00:25:16.000 That was a horse.

00:25:20.000 Speaking of fighting, I went to a fight on Saturday.

00:25:23.000 No, Friday?

00:25:23.000 Oh, yeah, how was that?

00:25:24.000 Yeah, Friday.

00:25:25.000 It was good.

00:25:26.000 My boy, Larry, fires.

00:25:27.000 He got, he lost.

00:25:30.000 But this dude just kept mauling him.

00:25:32.000 It was a female ref, by the way.

00:25:34.000 Crystal something.

00:25:35.000 And she kept mauling.

00:25:37.000 The opponent kept mauling him, like putting his arms around him.

00:25:40.000 And Larry's an inside fighter, and he couldn't get his inside punches in because there was a guy wrapped around him like a fucking sloth.

00:25:48.000 Are you finding that fight?

00:25:49.000 Yeah, wasn't it in Larry Fryers?

00:25:52.000 Yeah.

00:25:53.000 Let me see.

00:25:54.000 Maybe put the date.

00:25:56.000 Anyway, that's not important.

00:25:57.000 What I thought I should mention is you get involved in this internet bubble where you start believing all the shit you read.

00:26:05.000 And I'm very unpopular on the internet.

00:26:08.000 I'm a fascist and Islamophobe and a homophobe and a transphobe.

00:26:13.000 And if you don't get out, you tend to start believing that shit.

00:26:16.000 And I'm sure even you on a smaller scale, you're not as famous as me, clearly.

00:26:20.000 You know, you get negative comments on your little local Facebook posts and you go, shit, maybe I have become a dick.

00:26:26.000 But I go into the city every single day.

00:26:29.000 And that night, for example, I thought, this is a good example of how the internet isn't real and the real world is totally different.

00:26:36.000 Like, I'm sure if you talk to HuffPost or most people in the creative community, they'd say I'm Satan.

00:26:41.000 But I go out, I meet a buddy from my gym at this bar, American Whiskey, that's near Madison Square Gardens.

00:26:48.000 And I'm sitting there talking to him.

00:26:50.000 And then these young kids come up.

00:26:51.000 They're probably like 21 Hispanic looking kids.

00:26:55.000 And they go, holy shit, are you Gavin McInnis?

00:26:57.000 Can we get a picture?

00:26:58.000 I take a picture with the little Mexican men.

00:26:58.000 Yes.

00:27:01.000 And then the bartender comes over.

00:27:03.000 I'm not bragging, by the way.

00:27:04.000 I'm not bragging.

00:27:06.000 But the bartender comes over and goes, I recognize you.

00:27:08.000 And I go, uh-oh, is this going to be the fascist thing I saw about on HBO and Law and Order and CSI as he found a fascist?

00:27:15.000 And he goes, this guy fucking rules.

00:27:17.000 We're doing a shot.

00:27:18.000 And he goes, I love that video you made about how to drink in a bar, where you said three men shouldn't be next to each other.

00:27:26.000 If there's more than two, then one guy stands and it forms a triangle.

00:27:30.000 Or else you're sort of leaning back to the guy.

00:27:33.000 And then you're like that the whole time.

00:27:34.000 Unless you're on the corner of a bar.

00:27:37.000 Is that online, How to Drink in a Bar, Gavin McKinnis?

00:27:40.000 Because Vans took them all down after being pressured by Antifa.

00:27:44.000 And we all know what you do when Antifa's mad.

00:27:46.000 You capitulate.

00:27:48.000 Fire everyone involved if you get an angry tweet from...

00:27:56.000 Who put it up?

00:27:58.000 Looks like I can't tell right now.

00:28:02.000 Why not?

00:28:03.000 Because it's an non-YouTube thing that I got to click into YouTube.

00:28:07.000 It's A-Man A, 86 subscribers.

00:28:09.000 This is a re-upload.

00:28:11.000 Thank you.

00:28:12.000 This is a re-upload.

00:28:13.000 I did the original upload, so of course it's a re-upload.

00:28:15.000 Oh!

00:28:16.000 I thought Vans did it.

00:28:20.000 I heard there's a bar in Ireland where they play this on a loop on an iPad on the wall.

00:28:25.000 Oh, hell no!

00:28:27.000 Hey!

00:28:28.000 A smoothie?

00:28:28.000 What were you having?

00:28:29.000 Well, it was a blackberry margarita.

00:28:32.000 You know how long those take to make, you asshole?

00:28:32.000 What are you doing?

00:28:35.000 How long do those take to make?

00:28:37.000 That guy was an intern who tried to sue us for wages.

00:28:37.000 I don't know.

00:28:40.000 What with that bullshit?

00:28:41.000 Because he works so hard.

00:28:42.000 This is bullshit.

00:28:44.000 You work for free, instance.

00:28:45.000 Tip one, know your drink, keep it simple.

00:28:48.000 Tip two, don't order water.

00:28:51.000 Drinks are water.

00:28:53.000 That's why they're called drinks.

00:28:56.000 Oh, no, no, no, no.

00:28:58.000 Tip three, use cash at a bar.

00:29:01.000 Okay, all you're doing is delaying the tips for this guy by about a week.

00:29:04.000 And tip four, men don't order wine, all right?

00:29:08.000 We're not at a fine Italian dinner.

00:29:10.000 That looks fun.

00:29:11.000 Okay, uh, can I see your beer list?

00:29:14.000 That guy ended up doing that show Rats, that cartoon on HBO.

00:29:14.000 Please.

00:29:18.000 Oh, okay, yeah, yeah.

00:29:19.000 He's Mike, and the other guy's Phil, and they do it together.

00:29:22.000 Beer list?

00:29:23.000 What are you gonna do?

00:29:24.000 Get a pumpkin ale or a chocolate stout?

00:29:27.000 It's rotten barley and oats, okay?

00:29:29.000 We're here to drink rotten fruits and vegetables, not some fruity snack, okay?

00:29:35.000 Order a normal beer like everybody else, you fuckwad.

00:29:38.000 The dog's choking, and I don't know if CPU is.

00:29:42.000 I take my two fingers and I press it down.

00:29:43.000 I'm going like really tiny, like ah.

00:29:45.000 Guys, guys, guys, this does not work.

00:29:46.000 Three people in a row does not work.

00:29:48.000 Look, you're going...

00:29:51.000 And this poor bastard's craning his neck.

00:29:53.000 What happened?

00:29:53.000 What?

00:29:54.000 Then you switch over to him.

00:29:55.000 You go, oh, I was talking about this awesome story.

00:29:57.000 Now you're going, what?

00:29:57.000 What happened?

00:29:58.000 What happened?

00:29:59.000 Here's tip six, okay?

00:30:03.000 Have you seen this before?

00:30:04.000 No.

00:30:06.000 When there's three guys, two guys sit, one guy stands.

00:30:10.000 Now we create a triangle here.

00:30:12.000 This works for a conversation.

00:30:14.000 And don't give me your eye-rolling shit, okay?

00:30:16.000 You checked your email all day.

00:30:18.000 You can stand for a second.

00:30:19.000 Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

00:30:22.000 Tip number seven, if the game isn't on, there's no TV.

00:30:25.000 Whoa, what are you doing?

00:30:26.000 Are you showing the bartender pictures of your kids?

00:30:29.000 Jesus Christ, no one cares about your fucking kids, okay?

00:30:32.000 Tip number eight, no kid pics.

00:30:34.000 No, I was just seeing if you could charge my phone.

00:30:36.000 That's tip number nine.

00:30:38.000 If you don't come to the bar with a charged phone, okay, then you don't get to use your phone.

00:30:43.000 It's no fucking internet cafe.

00:30:45.000 Are we clear?

00:30:46.000 Shut up!

00:30:54.000 Tip number 10!

00:30:55.000 No more women laughing!

00:30:58.000 My God!

00:30:59.000 You sound like fucking hyenas!

00:31:02.000 No one's saying women shouldn't be allowed in bars, but for fuck's sakes, we're here to relax!

00:31:07.000 There.

00:31:15.000 Now that's a bar.

00:31:20.000 Pretty good bit, huh?

00:31:21.000 That is fucking great.

00:31:23.000 I just watched your In the Woods thing, too.

00:31:26.000 So the bartender remembered that bit and said, here, man, this is gay that I'm talking about myself, but the message I'm trying to convey is that online we get a totally different idea of what's going on in the world.

00:31:26.000 Oh, yeah.

00:31:39.000 So then we do shots with the black guy, do, did, do, very yummy, little like Spritzer juicy shots.

00:31:45.000 Could have been jizz.

00:31:46.000 He could have hated my guts.

00:31:48.000 And then we go to the boxing match in the Hulu room or whatever it's called, smaller part of Madison Square Garden.

00:31:55.000 Peter Frampton was playing in the big part.

00:31:57.000 And walking down there, hey man, love your show.

00:32:00.000 As I'm walking down to the seats, this kept happening all night.

00:32:06.000 So though I'm known as David Duke Meets Satan on the internet, when I walk outside in New York City where 1% of the population voted for Trump, I just keep meeting people.

00:32:18.000 High fives, photos, here's a shot.

00:32:20.000 Yay, how you doing, buddy?

00:32:21.000 That's cool.

00:32:22.000 Don't believe the hype.

00:32:24.000 Anyway, I kind of regret telling that story that felt uncomfortable.

00:32:26.000 Today's New York Post, I'm going to start bringing these in.

00:32:28.000 Again, I stopped doing that for A while.

00:32:30.000 Boiling point.

00:32:31.000 U.S. officials attack on Saudi Arabia.

00:32:35.000 I don't fucking care.

00:32:37.000 I'm sorry.

00:32:39.000 Alex Jones yesterday was talking about this being World War IV.

00:32:42.000 When I see Middle East attack Middle East, I yawn.

00:32:46.000 As Henry Kissinger said, can't they both lose?

00:32:50.000 I don't care.

00:32:51.000 I want those fuckers to run out of oil and they can go back to their caves where they belong.

00:32:57.000 I hate seeing Saudi sheiks with their Mercedes-Benz and I hate seeing the beautiful buildings of Dubai because I know I bought those and they don't deserve them.

00:33:07.000 And Coulter had a right.

00:33:08.000 You know, we should have done in the Middle East.

00:33:09.000 We should have said, hey, we were just looking at some of your shitty sand and we noticed there's some black crap in it that's going to pollute your water supply.

00:33:17.000 So for $100 a month, we're going to get rid of this black gunk that's in your sand and you'll be fine.

00:33:23.000 And they would say, thank you.

00:33:24.000 Oh my gosh, thank you, thank you.

00:33:26.000 And they'd still live in their tents, like the Bedouins, and they wouldn't be dominating.

00:33:31.000 They wouldn't have done 9-11 for one.

00:33:36.000 Fun article about resting bitch face and how a lot of women are getting plastic surgery to avoid it.

00:33:41.000 I like resting bitch face.

00:33:44.000 I love bitches.

00:33:46.000 The first thing that attracted me to my wife is that she was being a cunt to everyone and ignoring people.

00:33:51.000 And I thought, I need to crack that egg.

00:33:55.000 Here's one article I found very interesting.

00:33:57.000 City panelist Central Park Statue Pitch.

00:33:59.000 They want to take down statues in Central Park, and they chose Robbie Bounds and Christopher Columbus.

00:34:05.000 And the guy in charge of this is Hank Willis Thomas.

00:34:08.000 He is a black painter who's deciding what statues we get in Central Park.

00:34:14.000 And all his stuff is just, America sucks, America is racist.

00:34:18.000 We had slavery.

00:34:19.000 We were in chains.

00:34:20.000 Look him up.

00:34:21.000 Hank Willis Thomas.

00:34:23.000 Are you spelling Thomas or Willis weird?

00:34:25.000 Yeah, there he is.

00:34:26.000 Look at his works, his body of work.

00:34:28.000 So this guy's super young, and he's deciding, thanks to affirmative action, what statues are allowed in this park.

00:34:37.000 How old is Central Park?

00:34:39.000 It probably goes back to the 1800s, like the early 1800s.

00:34:43.000 And one of the guys he thinks doesn't belong there is Rabbi Burns.

00:34:47.000 Who the fuck's Rabbi Burns?

00:34:48.000 It's just some random Scottish poet?

00:34:51.000 No one gives a shit about a Scottish poet.

00:34:53.000 That's why there's a giant fucking parade called the Tartan Day Parade.

00:34:53.000 Yeah, that's right.

00:34:57.000 And that's why there's Rabbi Burns night, where everyone drinks a Burns, sorry, has a Burns supper, drinks whiskey, and recites his poetry.

00:35:06.000 This man, Rabbi Burns, was at the forefront of the entire concept of the working man being worthy.

00:35:14.000 He was the end of elitism in the Western world.

00:35:18.000 When he wrote a man is a man and all that, he was saying blue collar is just as good as upper class.

00:35:26.000 That was groundbreaking back then.

00:35:28.000 This guy is about the empowerment of the hardworking man.

00:35:33.000 And we have some ponce, some whining pussy who does nothing but paintings of slavery.

00:35:42.000 Oh, slavery.

00:35:45.000 It was so horrible 400 years ago.

00:35:47.000 It was horrible for me too.

00:35:47.000 Yeah, I know.

00:35:49.000 The Irish were slaves.

00:35:50.000 Do you want to go back to Watt Tyler and the slavery rebellion of the 1300s where the white slaves of England rose up against the monarchs?

00:36:02.000 Should we whine about that all the time?

00:36:03.000 Or should we maybe move on?

00:36:06.000 Look at this one.

00:36:07.000 It's an absolute bottle that's the shape of the Amistad with all the slavery.

00:36:12.000 Absolute power.

00:36:13.000 You know how anti-biblical it is to be in despair all the time?

00:36:17.000 Oh, that's a good point.

00:36:18.000 God doesn't like when you're in despair.

00:36:20.000 Talk about jamming slavery into everything.

00:36:22.000 You managed to jam it into a vodka bottle.

00:36:24.000 Yeah, what the fuck?

00:36:26.000 Hope you enjoy your absolute vodka.

00:36:28.000 It was built on slavery.

00:36:29.000 Was it?

00:36:31.000 Basically, sort of.

00:36:32.000 I don't...

00:36:35.000 Kind of it was.

00:36:36.000 Right.

00:36:37.000 Like in so many, like in Seven Degrees of Kevin Bacon kind of thing?

00:36:40.000 Yeah.

00:36:41.000 This one's powerful.

00:36:43.000 Whoa.

00:36:44.000 Damn.

00:36:44.000 You want us to play basketball, but you used to lynch us.

00:36:47.000 Yeah, I would say a disproportionate number of blacks were lynched in the 1800s.

00:36:51.000 Everyone was lynched, though.

00:36:53.000 More blacks got lynched than they were represented in the population, but hundreds of white people were lynched.

00:36:58.000 All you had to do to lynch someone was have a jury.

00:37:01.000 This is probably the origin of a jury.

00:37:02.000 Or maybe the jury is British, was have 12 people agree that this guy's a dick.

00:37:06.000 Once 12 people agree, anyway, there's a lot of white noise, which brings me to Brett Gillis.

00:37:18.000 Shane Gillis.

00:37:19.000 So we were talking about him yesterday, and he has been fired for not being diverse enough.

00:37:25.000 Where's my notes on that?

00:37:27.000 Did I throw those out?

00:37:28.000 Take me home tonight.

00:37:31.000 Yeah, I did throw it out.

00:37:33.000 Oh, man.

00:37:34.000 Oh, man.

00:37:36.000 Wait.

00:37:37.000 Sorry, folks, I'm just rooting through the garbage here.

00:37:39.000 Yeah.

00:37:41.000 So when we ended the show, he wasn't yet fired.

00:37:46.000 After we sent the show out, he got fired.

00:37:49.000 And we had forgotten the controversy that started all this shit.

00:37:52.000 And it was back in 2013, they kept saying, why isn't SNL more diverse?

00:38:00.000 The second someone says that, know that you're next on the chopping block.

00:38:04.000 Like if someone says, hey, Joe Rogan, I notice your guests aren't very diverse.

00:38:08.000 Know that that's the first person in front of a giant fucking mob that will not stop until they've devoured all your meat and you're just bones.

00:38:17.000 So when you hear someone do that, batting the hatches, lock the doors, pull up the drawbridge, it's on.

00:38:24.000 But Lauren Michaels isn't tenacious enough.

00:38:27.000 And Keenan Thompson goes, why aren't there more black women?

00:38:31.000 And he did the stupidest thing he's ever done.

00:38:34.000 This is the worst thing you can do in today's mob mentality.

00:38:38.000 He answered truthfully.

00:38:39.000 And he said, I got to be honest, man.

00:38:41.000 Lauren and I, I go to these things and I sometimes go with them.

00:38:44.000 And we have these on audition and they're rarely ready.

00:38:48.000 You know, like Leslie Jones, for example, she'd given up on stand-up.

00:38:50.000 She hadn't done it in about five years.

00:38:52.000 And then they went, what?

00:38:54.000 You mean black women aren't funny?

00:38:56.000 That's how they took his personal experience that he experienced where he said, I don't know, they don't seem ready when I see them.

00:39:02.000 And they go, You're saying black women are shitty.

00:39:05.000 And he goes, What?

00:39:06.000 I'm almost a black woman.

00:39:09.000 I'm one thing away.

00:39:10.000 I'm the least masculine black man in New York.

00:39:15.000 So they go, Okay, okay, we're sorry, we're sorry.

00:39:17.000 They hire Leslie Jones.

00:39:19.000 And then, you know, what's funny about that is Leslie Jones is actually a black woman.

00:39:25.000 She's not like Keenan Thompson who's been in showbiz his whole life.

00:39:29.000 She's like a hood chick.

00:39:31.000 And she goes, yo, I got an idea for a joke.

00:39:34.000 Yo, check this out.

00:39:35.000 I'm a big fat bitch.

00:39:37.000 So if this was slavery days, I wouldn't be lonely like I am now.

00:39:40.000 I'd be breeding out these niggas.

00:39:42.000 I'd be making all kinds of slaves.

00:39:44.000 And they'd be giant.

00:39:45.000 They'd be LeBron James and shit.

00:39:46.000 Or they'd be big, big, giant slaves.

00:39:48.000 And they'd just keep breeding me and breeding me for sports and shit.

00:39:52.000 Funny bit, by the way.

00:39:55.000 But the NAACP freaked out.

00:39:57.000 So the leftist PC mob said, you're not hiring enough diverse people.

00:40:01.000 Lauren Michaels went crazy and went, you know what?

00:40:04.000 I'm not even going to hire like someone like Hallie Berry, who is a hero of color that didn't grow up black and was raised by her white mother and the black dad wasn't around.

00:40:12.000 A palatable Cosby show type black.

00:40:15.000 I'm going to get you an actual black person.

00:40:17.000 That should do me for years.

00:40:19.000 And then she comes and starts talking like an actual black person and rich black people at the NASCP who I don't believe anyone there is under 80.

00:40:28.000 I mean, they have the word Negro in their acronym.

00:40:30.000 Oh, geez, yeah.

00:40:32.000 They get pissed off.

00:40:34.000 So some time goes by and they go, Jesus Christ, our show isn't funny anymore.

00:40:40.000 We hire these improv troops and then they read cue cards and look totally awkward.

00:40:45.000 The cue cards have to be the funniest thing in the world.

00:40:48.000 So can we just get an actual funny guy?

00:40:50.000 I mean, I'm hiring black people and gays and all this shit and my show is suffering.

00:40:57.000 Can I just hire an actual funny guy and base the hiring process not on race?

00:41:02.000 And someone goes, you know what you could do?

00:41:06.000 Hire like what we call a double whammy.

00:41:09.000 So like a black paraplegic or a blind black woman or a blind black guy.

00:41:16.000 We just did Michael Che.

00:41:17.000 Yeah, yeah, but he's just black.

00:41:20.000 Okay.

00:41:20.000 What about a Gaysian?

00:41:22.000 If you could get a gay Asian, we would check off the Asian box and a gay box at the same time, and we'd be immune.

00:41:32.000 And then on that, riding that wave of authenticity, and we'd appease the mob, and then we can sneak in an actual funny person.

00:41:40.000 So they hired Bowen Yang, who is one of the most homosexual people in the world.

00:41:47.000 Like, he's gay.

00:41:53.000 When he came out to his parents, they went, you're kidding, right?

00:41:56.000 You don't think we knew this?

00:41:59.000 Why are you gay?

00:42:00.000 Why are you gay?

00:42:02.000 Who says I'm gay?

00:42:03.000 You are gay.

00:42:04.000 So show some of his stand-up.

00:42:05.000 Have you got that?

00:42:07.000 I do.

00:42:09.000 He's a little gay.

00:42:11.000 It's an unusual name, but in Mandarin, it means scholars.

00:42:14.000 Talking about the name Bowen.

00:42:15.000 And in Celtic, it means farmer.

00:42:20.000 So those translations cancel out to mean administrative assistant.

00:42:28.000 It's not a terrible joke.

00:42:29.000 He's pretty mediocre, but everyone loves him because of his race and his sexual preference, which is the way meritocracy works in this day and age.

00:42:37.000 You start with all the other factors before the actual humor.

00:42:41.000 I mean, that joke doesn't make sense because no Asians use Celtic references to name their children.

00:42:48.000 Well, my name is Ryan.

00:42:49.000 That's Celtic.

00:42:51.000 Yeah.

00:42:52.000 Your Asian wasn't around.

00:42:54.000 That's true.

00:42:55.000 I'm the least Asian thing.

00:42:58.000 You don't have an Asian parent.

00:43:00.000 No, I do not.

00:43:02.000 And he does this bit.

00:43:03.000 Find that Alexander Wang bit.

00:43:04.000 I did a commercial with Alexander Wang.

00:43:06.000 He's a quiet, tittering, shy gay who's not remotely goth.

00:43:12.000 And then Bowen Yang does this sketch where Alexander Wang is Satan.

00:43:19.000 Alex, when your shift starts, you can just come in through the front door.

00:43:22.000 My name is not Alex, it's Alexander Wang, fashion designer, keeper of shadows, and master of the realm of fashion.

00:43:30.000 But this is not what Alexander Wang is like.

00:43:33.000 So who are you doing an imitation of?

00:43:37.000 And he's also not gay like that.

00:43:39.000 That's how Bowen Yang acts.

00:43:41.000 Alexander Wang is just like, hi, how's it going?

00:43:43.000 I'm Alexander Wang.

00:43:45.000 I wanted this new line.

00:43:46.000 Find Alexander Wang interview.

00:43:49.000 He's not, I'm really into Satan.

00:43:52.000 And I'm really, really gay at the same time.

00:43:54.000 You know, you're a hack when you just have to invent a personality.

00:43:58.000 Steve Martin isn't a hack, but it was a hack thing to do when he did Roger Stone on SNL and was like, hey, I'm Roger Stone.

00:44:05.000 And the people in the industry are just kind of crazy enough to kind of go along with the ride because they love it so much.

00:44:13.000 Is that a raging homo to you?

00:44:16.000 Like, he could convince me he's not gay.

00:44:18.000 I have a brand here in New York, and as of two months ago, I was appointed creative director of Blen Siaga.

00:44:25.000 I started my brand in 2004.

00:44:29.000 Where's the goth stuff?

00:44:30.000 I'm young school at the time.

00:44:31.000 He's just a normal, boring, shy homosexual who's barely gay.

00:44:36.000 In fact, you could see if some chick was like, take me home tonight.

00:44:40.000 He'd be like, you know what?

00:44:41.000 All right.

00:44:43.000 Feels good.

00:44:44.000 It's mushy.

00:44:45.000 Ew.

00:44:46.000 You talk about his dunk.

00:44:46.000 I'll do it.

00:44:49.000 He's crazy.

00:44:50.000 Yeah, but it reminds me of this.

00:44:54.000 Just like Ronnie says.

00:44:57.000 Reminds you of what?

00:44:59.000 Look how old he looks there in that freeze frame.

00:45:02.000 What are you doing, Ryan?

00:45:03.000 Why are you showing us...

00:45:07.000 Your frozen screen.

00:45:09.000 Show that.

00:45:09.000 Yeah, okay, good.

00:45:10.000 So, Roger Stone, he has a few mannerisms.

00:45:14.000 He blinks a lot.

00:45:15.000 he goes like this when he's explaining things.

00:45:17.000 His actual voice, though, is a pretty normal, deep voice where he says, I'm telling you, I am the...

00:45:26.000 I don't.

00:45:27.000 I don't do a Roger Stone per se, But yeah, no.

00:45:31.000 Yeah, that's how he talks.

00:45:32.000 Kind of gravelly deep.

00:45:34.000 I think that we'll be going back to court shortly, and I'll have to, you know, accrue the costs.

00:45:42.000 So then Steve Martin does them, and you go, that's a good imitation of somebody, but not Roger Stone.

00:45:49.000 So here is Bowen Yang doing Alexander Wang, but it's Steve Martin doing Roger Stone.

00:45:59.000 I can't even count that high.

00:46:00.000 I'm cool as that.

00:46:02.000 She's like a New York Goomba?

00:46:04.000 You're really trying to say is that you're a feeble old man, right?

00:46:08.000 Oh, yeah, right.

00:46:09.000 The pity thing I want to go with.

00:46:10.000 I'm just a poor, helpless old man.

00:46:12.000 I'm 66.

00:46:13.000 I'm almost as old as Sting.

00:46:17.000 And that's why it was so awful the way the police raided your home.

00:46:21.000 Exactly!

00:46:22.000 The whole experience was so harrowing.

00:46:25.000 And afterwards, I could only manage one radio interview and a speech from the steps of the courthouse and two appearances on television.

00:46:32.000 It's horrible.

00:46:33.000 Just pause.

00:46:34.000 All right, that's enough.

00:46:35.000 That's really terrible.

00:46:35.000 That makes me sick.

00:46:37.000 The idea that it wasn't harrowing to have more militia, no, more soldiers, more cops, more law enforcement than Osama bin Laden.

00:46:46.000 Can you imagine the fucking pussy comedy writers at SNL handling that kind of attack at five in the morning?

00:46:55.000 They would literally shit their pants.

00:46:57.000 They would diarrhea themselves if they went through a tenth of what Roger Stone has gone through.

00:47:02.000 The guy's been totally bankrupted.

00:47:04.000 He's had his life ripped apart, held at gunpoint for a typo.

00:47:09.000 And they're like, what a pussy.

00:47:10.000 He pretends it's harrowing.

00:47:12.000 Try it.

00:47:14.000 This is another thing that drives me nuts about the Shane Gillis thing.

00:47:17.000 They go, cancel culture doesn't exist.

00:47:20.000 He'll be fine.

00:47:21.000 It's not a big deal.

00:47:23.000 Oh, really?

00:47:23.000 You try it, you pussy.

00:47:25.000 You pussy on Patreon.

00:47:27.000 Half of these people, these wimps who talk about everyone else being a baby, they have Patreon where they make 300 bucks a month.

00:47:34.000 Like Vic Berger, he's sitting there canceling people's careers, doxing events where old Jewish men get beat up for being seen as a Nazi.

00:47:42.000 And you go, what are you up to?

00:47:44.000 I just have my hand out on Patreon.

00:47:46.000 Please, please.

00:47:47.000 And then the only thing more pathetic than that is not actually getting paid.

00:47:51.000 He gets no money.

00:47:53.000 But you can't wait to tell us what wimps we are for going through 100 times what you go through and surviving.

00:48:01.000 And it's ironic because you're not surviving.

00:48:04.000 Anyway.

00:48:06.000 Speaking, I want to get into Brett Kavanaugh, but before we abandon Shane Gillis and all this stuff, I want to check out Lily Singh.

00:48:12.000 Now, Lily Singh is a performer.

00:48:16.000 She's got a new show, the It's Too Late or something show.

00:48:20.000 And all of her jokes are about the fact that she's a Canadian bisexual Sikh and you have a problem with that.

00:48:28.000 Like anyone's even heard of a Canadian bisexual Sikh.

00:48:31.000 And as Ryan pointed out, isn't that cultural appropriation, her braids?

00:48:34.000 So look at her whole shtick is about how you're freaked out to see me.

00:48:39.000 Turn it on.

00:48:40.000 Hey, Middle America.

00:48:42.000 Some people at home are looking at their TVs just like, is something wrong with my TV?

00:48:47.000 Why are they playing Slum Dog Millionaire after Seth Meyers?

00:48:50.000 Yeah, that's what I'm thinking.

00:48:52.000 Hey, Middle America, I'm so glad you're here.

00:48:55.000 Look, I get it, okay?

00:48:57.000 I'm not your traditional talk show host.

00:48:59.000 I mean, the media has mentioned I'm a bisexual woman of color so much that I feel like I should just change my name.

00:49:06.000 A little long, but it has a nice ring to it.

00:49:09.000 We don't care about it.

00:49:10.000 It's more than just a bisexual woman of color, okay?

00:49:13.000 Pause.

00:49:14.000 Someone needs to break it to gaze that we're not phobic.

00:49:17.000 We're bored.

00:49:18.000 We don't care.

00:49:20.000 Oh, you fuck each other in the privacy of your own bedroom?

00:49:23.000 I don't like drag queen story time.

00:49:25.000 I don't like men flashing their dicks at kids at pride parades.

00:49:29.000 But as far as you minding your own business, I don't care.

00:49:33.000 As far as you having a show on at, what, one in the morning?

00:49:36.000 Why would I give a shit?

00:49:38.000 We all have about 1,200 channels now.

00:49:41.000 Why would anyone give a flying fuck about your stupid shitty show?

00:49:45.000 You loser.

00:49:47.000 I chose a network whose logo is also the pride flag.

00:49:51.000 Oh, what's that?

00:49:52.000 It's actually a peacock?

00:49:53.000 Oh, right.

00:49:54.000 Okay, you mean the pretty.

00:49:55.000 This isn't over-rehearsed, is it?

00:49:57.000 This sucks.

00:49:58.000 It's a school presentation.

00:50:00.000 There's no naturalness to it whatsoever.

00:50:02.000 This sucks.

00:50:03.000 Couldn't she just memorize these bullet points and just talk?

00:50:06.000 Yeah.

00:50:07.000 Yeah.

00:50:08.000 Like I do?

00:50:09.000 Right.

00:50:10.000 Colorful feathers.

00:50:12.000 Yeah, gay.

00:50:14.000 Let's be real.

00:50:15.000 Someone like me could not be here without the many successful, powerful women of color who led the way.

00:50:21.000 Am I right?

00:50:22.000 Women of color, woman of color, woman of color.

00:50:26.000 Let's get a round of applause for people like Mindy Kaling.

00:50:30.000 Why?

00:50:32.000 Most like the sod whose brother pretended to be black to get into med school?

00:50:35.000 Oh, yeah.

00:50:35.000 Yeah.

00:50:36.000 What about Michelle Obama?

00:50:38.000 I love it.

00:50:39.000 Oh, yeah, she's hilarious.

00:50:40.000 Yeah.

00:50:41.000 She really paved the way.

00:50:43.000 And last but not least, sucking the president's dick.

00:50:48.000 Listen, all three things that I could not fuck if I wanted to.

00:50:54.000 I need role models, and my options were limited.

00:50:57.000 But now that I'm in this position, I'm super excited to help pave the path.

00:51:02.000 And as a woman, I'm especially stoked to join this group of people.

00:51:07.000 Show the whole screen.

00:51:10.000 Because I like this joke.

00:51:13.000 Who am I going to borrow a hair tie from?

00:51:16.000 Definitely Larry Wilmore.

00:51:19.000 I mean, real talk.

00:51:20.000 If you put every late night host in one room together, and then add me and Hassan Minaj, we look like the I.T. department at their law firm.

00:51:29.000 Just pause.

00:51:30.000 Speaking of diversity, all of those people, white and brown, have the exact same politics, feel the exact same way about healthcare, abortion, Trump, Hillary, people of color, homosexuality, drag queen story hour.

00:51:44.000 You all have exactly the same politics.

00:51:46.000 Yet you purport to love diversity.

00:51:49.000 And speaking of diversity, you may want to look up the different cultures that you pretend you love.

00:51:54.000 Hassan Minhaj is an Indian Muslim.

00:51:57.000 This woman is a Sikh.

00:51:59.000 Muslims Killed a million Sikhs.

00:52:02.000 That's called genocide.

00:52:04.000 Ethnic genocide.

00:52:06.000 But we lumped them together because we're brown, because they're brown, because we don't know anything about culture, because we don't really like multiculturalism.

00:52:13.000 The only diversity we like is diversity of restaurants and people serving us.

00:52:17.000 And when it comes to where we live and the schools, all these fucking liberals demand that those areas are exclusively white.

00:52:27.000 You want to see a liberal shit his pants about diversity?

00:52:29.000 Rezone his kids' school and see how diverse he becomes.

00:52:38.000 It's been tough for us.

00:52:39.000 It's hard out here.

00:52:40.000 All right, that's enough.

00:52:40.000 That's enough.

00:52:41.000 Bad.

00:52:42.000 She does a game show later on in the show, and I want to do it with her and see if I can win.

00:52:47.000 You want to cue that up?

00:52:48.000 Sounds pretty badass, man.

00:52:50.000 All right, we're going to go to the green screen studio next door and play a game with the Canadian bisexual Sikh that no one cares about.

00:52:58.000 We'll see you next time.

00:53:05.000 Oh, oh, oh, oh Bisexual Seek Lily Singh has a show.

00:53:10.000 It's called A Little Late, and it's totally devoted to the fact that Lily Singh is not white.

00:53:15.000 She goes over this again and again in every segment, in the opening monologue.

00:53:19.000 It's real tedious if you're not Lily Singh, which is the majority of the population.

00:53:26.000 This is a game segment.

00:53:27.000 I haven't heard this yet, but I'm going to play along with the guest and Lily and see if we can have some fun on one of the least fun shows I've ever heard of.

00:53:38.000 Hey, Lily.

00:53:39.000 Oh, Rain Wilson.

00:53:40.000 Hi, is now an okay time?

00:53:41.000 Oh, hello, Rain Wilson.

00:53:43.000 What are you doing here?

00:53:47.000 This isn't rehearsed at all.

00:53:51.000 Oh, my God.

00:53:52.000 What are you doing here?

00:53:53.000 I just wanted to stop by and congratulate you on all your success.

00:53:53.000 Oh, man.

00:53:56.000 I mean, God, her very own talk show.

00:54:00.000 Just pause.

00:54:01.000 Do you recognize her, by the way?

00:54:02.000 She does these YouTube videos where she goes, hello, I am a Sikh.

00:54:07.000 You need to get married.

00:54:08.000 I am conservative.

00:54:09.000 And then all the other Sikhs watch it.

00:54:11.000 And Indians and Pakistanis and Bangladeshis and basically most East Asian brown people watching and go, oh my God, my mother's totally strict, too.

00:54:18.000 That is her hackstick.

00:54:19.000 And in the world of identity politics, that gets you a late-night show.

00:54:24.000 Amazing.

00:54:25.000 I also wanted to bring you a gift.

00:54:26.000 Now, I know most people bring wine or flowers and things like that, but I wanted to bring you something really special.

00:54:32.000 That is so sweet of you.

00:54:34.000 Here you go.

00:54:35.000 But what is it?

00:54:35.000 Thank you.

00:54:37.000 It is an official Rain Wilson white noise machine.

00:54:39.000 I'm broadening my business horizons.

00:54:41.000 Oh, cool.

00:54:42.000 It looks exactly like my real life machine.

00:54:42.000 The white noise machine.

00:54:44.000 They make like calming noises, like rain and birds and things like that, right?

00:54:47.000 Yeah, yeah, sort of.

00:54:49.000 This one's a little bit different.

00:54:50.000 Okay.

00:54:50.000 Should we just try it?

00:54:51.000 Yeah.

00:54:51.000 Give it a try.

00:54:52.000 Go ahead.

00:54:52.000 Let's do it.

00:54:56.000 What is that?

00:54:57.000 Wait, stop.

00:54:58.000 What is that white noise?

00:55:01.000 I got to say, that sounds like rubber boots.

00:55:04.000 It sounds like a dark, murky, kind of muddy, schloppy place.

00:55:08.000 He sounds like he's schlepping.

00:55:09.000 I'm going to say that's Chris Casatelli.

00:55:11.000 He's a maintenance engineer at Water Tunnel Number Three.

00:55:15.000 Here in New York, they're building a whole new waterway to ensure that New Yorkers always get safe and clean drinking water.

00:55:23.000 They've been building this since 1970.

00:55:25.000 It's a brutal job.

00:55:26.000 I think about 24 men have died since they started the building of this tunnel.

00:55:32.000 It will be done in this year.

00:55:35.000 I think 2020, de Blasio said, is the deadline.

00:55:38.000 So despite all these dozens of deaths, we will have a new waterway system to keep New Yorkers safe and healthy.

00:55:47.000 Am I right?

00:55:48.000 Lily and Rain.

00:55:50.000 I don't recognize that sound.

00:55:52.000 It's Birkenstocks.

00:55:53.000 Oh.

00:55:54.000 It's Birkenstocks walking across the floor of an REI to go buy a Patagonia jacket.

00:56:00.000 It's a white noise machine.

00:56:03.000 Incidentally, the maintenance engineers don't wear Patagonia in water tunnel number three.

00:56:07.000 They wear thick, sort of like fireman jackets.

00:56:10.000 It's very moist down there, and it's, of course, pitch black and incredibly dangerous.

00:56:14.000 But Birkenstocks are also very white.

00:56:16.000 So, I mean, we're both right in a sense.

00:56:18.000 Okay.

00:56:19.000 I got that.

00:56:20.000 It's a white noise machine here.

00:56:22.000 Now, now you're going to love this.

00:56:23.000 Okay, let's try again.

00:56:24.000 Okay.

00:56:27.000 I don't know what that is.

00:56:28.000 Okay, pause.

00:56:29.000 What is that white noise?

00:56:32.000 That sounds like a restaurant, and they're New Yorkers.

00:56:36.000 This sounds like it could be a farm-to-table restaurant in Brooklyn.

00:56:40.000 Maybe they're having brunch.

00:56:41.000 And these farm-to-table restaurants are amazing because they're taking advantage of all the small farms in New York State.

00:56:47.000 There's about 35,000 farms in New York State.

00:56:51.000 And a lot of these are mom-and-pop-type small farms that are getting crushed by big agriculture.

00:56:56.000 And that's relevant in a country like America where we have something like 300,000 obesity-related deaths a year.

00:57:03.000 That's 800 a day.

00:57:05.000 That's six times the opioid epidemic, which is also very white.

00:57:08.000 But it's heartening to see small businesses support small farmers and not just push back on big agra, but push back on the obesity epidemic and promote healthy living.

00:57:19.000 Of course, in East New York, you don't have this kind of thing.

00:57:22.000 You've got a lot of fast food, and there's a brutal diabetes epidemic going on in the black community here in New York.

00:57:29.000 And they could do with some farm-to-table eating.

00:57:33.000 It's usually based on a health education.

00:57:36.000 They don't have a health education.

00:57:37.000 I don't think that has any merit, but that's their excuse for eating such shitty food.

00:57:42.000 Anyway, let's see what it is.

00:57:45.000 It's brunch at a farm-to-table restaurant in a quaint Brooklyn.

00:57:50.000 They source amazing root vegetables and get this?

00:57:54.000 Quail.

00:57:55.000 No, that's really white.

00:57:56.000 I'm sure they do.

00:57:56.000 Very white quail as well as other healthy foods.

00:57:59.000 Okay, let's try this one.

00:57:59.000 I'm sure you do.

00:58:00.000 Here we go.

00:58:03.000 Oh, this one's kind of rough.

00:58:04.000 All right, stop.

00:58:05.000 What is that white noise?

00:58:08.000 I got to be honest, that is a tough one.

00:58:09.000 It sounds like some sort of salient solution maybe being used to check the conductivity of topological insulators.

00:58:17.000 That could be at the Argonne National Laboratory.

00:58:20.000 That's one of the top research labs in the country.

00:58:23.000 It's just outside of Chicago.

00:58:24.000 And they're doing a lot of work there with artificial intelligence and conductivity And biochemistry.

00:58:32.000 And obviously, there's a lot of liquids used in this research.

00:58:37.000 Is this Argonne National Laboratory Lillian Rain?

00:58:41.000 Yeah, it's one of my favorites.

00:58:42.000 Yeah.

00:58:43.000 It's the sound of a homemade craft beer being poured into a pre-chilled imported beer stein.

00:58:48.000 It's a white noise, my skin.

00:58:50.000 Damn it.

00:58:51.000 You know, just to pause, I should have known it was an entrepreneur who is fighting all these big corporate beers and having a locally made beer that supports the local economy and makes people money on a local level as opposed to sort of a globalist level.

00:59:09.000 So once again, like the brunch, it's people supporting their local community.

00:59:14.000 Should have known.

00:59:15.000 All right, let's try this.

00:59:16.000 Okay.

00:59:17.000 I want to try another one.

00:59:18.000 Here we go.

00:59:18.000 I want to try another one.

00:59:21.000 What is that?

00:59:22.000 All right, pause.

00:59:23.000 What is that white noise?

00:59:28.000 That sounds like a body being dragged.

00:59:32.000 Now, that makes me think it's, and it doesn't sound like someone is trying to hide something.

00:59:36.000 So it could be one of these body farms.

00:59:38.000 I think there's about five in the country.

00:59:39.000 This sounds like the one at the University of Tennessee in Knoxville, University of Tennessee at Knoxville.

00:59:45.000 And that sounds like Dr. John R. Sensich, who is the top criminological and forensic scientist in the field of body, whatever they're called, body farms.

00:59:58.000 And what they do is they get people who have donated their bodies and they put them in various spots on these body farms and they watch them rot for forensic purposes.

01:00:08.000 Cold weather, they rot slower.

01:00:10.000 If it's humid, they rot faster.

01:00:12.000 And this helps investigate murder and other auspicious wrongdoings.

01:00:18.000 And these body farms have helped catch thousands of murderers, thousands of criminals, and save thousands of lives.

01:00:27.000 So I hope this is one of the five body farms that criminological and forensic studies scientists are using to help protect us all.

01:00:36.000 That is a sound of a white girl getting vacation braids the minute she lands in St. Thomas.

01:00:41.000 Yeah, now of course that's the most white.

01:00:45.000 I should have known that, that it was something in the Caribbean.

01:00:48.000 Of course, the Caribbean relies almost exclusively on tourism for their economy.

01:00:53.000 I think the Caribbean received $49 billion last year from tourism.

01:00:58.000 And these locals who braid hair would, of course, be destitute without this industry.

01:01:04.000 Should have thought of that.

01:01:05.000 Let's do the next one.

01:01:08.000 Here we go.

01:01:08.000 Let's do it.

01:01:11.000 Stop.

01:01:12.000 What is that white noise?

01:01:15.000 This is a tough one, but it sounds like Clippers.

01:01:18.000 It could be a child at the Hassenfield Children's Laboratory at the NYU Hospital who is undergoing chemo, and they want to just shave her head immediately so it doesn't slowly fall out.

01:01:30.000 This could be a child who was born with a hole in her heart where surgeons replace the hole in her heart or they can do an entire heart transplant.

01:01:39.000 Sometimes they can fix the baby's injured heart.

01:01:42.000 And then after she recovers from that, if she has leukemia, they could treat her with chemo.

01:01:47.000 And despite cancer devastating people my age and up, the success rates with treating children with cancer are actually pretty good.

01:01:56.000 So fingers crossed, that young girl getting her head shaved will probably live.

01:02:03.000 That is a sound of someone getting a tattoo of a Japanese character on their wrist that they think means peace, but actually means broken dishwasher.

01:02:12.000 That's super wild.

01:02:13.000 I'm sorry.

01:02:14.000 I didn't realize that it was a white person enjoying someone else's culture and having it permanently tattooed on their body as an homage to Asian culture.

01:02:24.000 Sorry about that.

01:02:25.000 Friend Becky got a tattoo that she thought said love.

01:02:28.000 What are you doing?

01:02:29.000 Becky and chat.

01:02:31.000 That's so Becky.

01:02:32.000 Hold on, come on, one more.

01:02:33.000 One more, one more.

01:02:34.000 Here we go.

01:02:34.000 Okay.

01:02:35.000 Overwritten it all.

01:02:37.000 Just pause.

01:02:38.000 What is that white noise?

01:02:41.000 That might be an old white noise.

01:02:43.000 Not all these are current, so that could be the south side of Chicago maybe 10 years ago where the police would investigate murders and try to stop shootings.

01:02:52.000 The locals made it very clear they hate the pigs.

01:02:55.000 All cops are bastards.

01:02:57.000 And they have told the police they'd rather police themselves.

01:03:01.000 They don't want cops in their hood.

01:03:03.000 Cops are dangerous.

01:03:05.000 Since then, of course, shootings have skyrocketed.

01:03:07.000 I think there was one weekend in August, in early August, August 9th, where there was 46 victims of shootings.

01:03:16.000 I don't mean 46 shootings, because you don't get a person every bullet, but 46 actual bullets in a person in one weekend.

01:03:24.000 Two separate mass shootings.

01:03:26.000 Didn't make the news, of course.

01:03:28.000 And hospitals were turned away.

01:03:31.000 They were, sorry, hospitals were turning people away, you know, like triage, like in the Vietnam War, where you can't treat everyone at once.

01:03:39.000 So there was people dying outside of hospitals.

01:03:42.000 So the sound that you'd probably hear now instead of that police siren would be And that's just the that actually hit a guy.

01:04:06.000 There's probably another maybe three times that You get the idea.

01:04:19.000 Let's see if I'm right That's a siren.

01:04:22.000 Yeah, it's the police.

01:04:24.000 The police are here to protect us.

01:04:26.000 So everyone knows everything is gonna be okay when the police show up.

01:04:29.000 So I listen to that.

01:04:31.000 I just feel so soothed, you know?

01:04:34.000 I don't think everyone feels that way.

01:04:37.000 If there's one group that feels unsafe around police, it is bisexual Canadian Sikhs.

01:04:45.000 The amount of shootings of innocent bisexual Canadian Sikhs from these racist police is almost in the ones.

01:04:55.000 No?

01:04:56.000 Really?

01:04:56.000 So what do you think?

01:04:57.000 What do you think?

01:04:57.000 I mean, well, it's definitely the whitest noise I've ever heard.

01:05:00.000 Are there any other stuff?

01:05:01.000 You said it, girl.

01:05:02.000 One more good one.

01:05:04.000 Sikhs are black.

01:05:07.000 Yeah, it's my favorite.

01:05:08.000 just puzzle.

01:05:09.000 Oh, we gave it away.

01:05:10.000 We don't have, we didn't make, we weren't able to guess that.

01:05:13.000 But it's cool to see that Rain is calling himself white noise because he's been sitting here cucking himself for the entire show.

01:05:20.000 So it's cool that he stopped fooling around and got right down to it and said, Yeah, I suck too.

01:05:26.000 And you're right, Rain.

01:05:27.000 You do fucking suck.

01:05:29.000 I said...

01:05:39.000 You know what we haven't discussed is Brett Kavanaugh.

01:05:41.000 *Skiss* *Skiss* *Skiss* *Skiss* you

01:05:49.000 Be my tiny baby.

01:05:55.000 It's just a little change.

01:05:56.000 It makes it so much more sweet.

01:05:58.000 Corny, I want to fuck you.

01:05:59.000 I wish you were my baby.

01:06:01.000 Yeah, I've thought about that, and that's not cool, right?

01:06:04.000 In South Africa, they believe that if you have sex with a virgin, it can cure AIDS.

01:06:09.000 And lightning.

01:06:10.000 It can cure CEDA.

01:06:11.000 So the only guarantee you have of virginity is a baby.

01:06:15.000 So in South Africa, they will fuck babies in order to cure AIDS.

01:06:20.000 South Africa or regular Africa?

01:06:21.000 South Africa.

01:06:22.000 Oh, boy.

01:06:23.000 The rape capital of the world.

01:06:24.000 Oh, oh, that's not cool.

01:06:28.000 You don't hear that in the mainstream media, of course, because it's too fucking gross.

01:06:33.000 So yeah, Brett Kavanaugh, I was listening to Howard Stern.

01:06:37.000 Actually, maybe I can send you this video.

01:06:40.000 Because it's too fucking gross.

01:06:46.000 It's plain and simple.

01:06:47.000 Yeah.

01:06:47.000 I mean, yeah.

01:06:48.000 Probably why.

01:06:50.000 Can I email it to you?

01:06:51.000 This is Tom Brokhov, but this story is too fucking gross.

01:06:56.000 Coming up next on 60 Minutes.

01:07:00.000 It's a story about Ray.

01:07:01.000 Actually, this is too fucking gross.

01:07:05.000 So I'm listening to Howard Stern yesterday or two days ago in the car.

01:07:09.000 I texted you this.

01:07:10.000 Oh, fudge.

01:07:12.000 And he can't, he loves the New York Times.

01:07:17.000 And if you criticize it, you're an idiot.

01:07:19.000 If you don't believe the New York Times, what do you trust?

01:07:21.000 He says, Robin.

01:07:23.000 And I'm always in the car going, check out the book Gray Lady Down, Howard, by Bill McGowan.

01:07:32.000 Check out the book Coloring the News, also by Bill McGowan.

01:07:36.000 The ineptitude of the New York Times has been well documented, including by their own ombudsman.

01:07:42.000 Their own ombudsman noticed that they have a severe bias.

01:07:46.000 They are a fucking joke.

01:07:50.000 But when I heard, so they did the Brett Kavanaugh thing over the weekend, and on the off chance you're not familiar with it, Brett Kavanaugh said that if he was up to sexual escapades at his college, everyone would know about it.

01:08:04.000 It would be the talk of the college.

01:08:06.000 He was a well-known guy.

01:08:08.000 Why wasn't it the talk of the college?

01:08:09.000 And they go, well, it was.

01:08:12.000 We found a lot of people talking about you putting your penis in a woman's hand.

01:08:17.000 By the way, I know this sounds terrible, but out of all the parties I've been to and the shit we would get up to, that's not really that crazy.

01:08:28.000 It's a little softcore.

01:08:29.000 Yeah, like we would streak and there'd be people fucking in front of us.

01:08:34.000 And Ryan McGinley came out once with jizz all over his face from his boyfriend.

01:08:38.000 Oh, he's a guy.

01:08:39.000 I remember he was, there's a picture of Ryan.

01:08:41.000 He's gay.

01:08:42.000 He was snorting Coke off of this graffiti artist's ear snot, snorting Coke off his cock.

01:08:49.000 So it's a brown penis with a white line and Ryan snorting Coke off it.

01:08:52.000 That was a normal party when I was a youngster.

01:08:54.000 I call that a zebra.

01:08:56.000 You want to hear a crazy story about that?

01:08:58.000 So the story of that photo became me passed out at a party and a black dude filleting me and doing Coke off my dick.

01:09:08.000 Jeez.

01:09:09.000 So there's this dude, Tail Kim, this weird Korean dude that was sort of stalking me, an ex-Marine.

01:09:15.000 And he decided that he was going to blackmail me.

01:09:17.000 I'm the worst person in the world to blackmail, by the way.

01:09:20.000 I'm an open book.

01:09:20.000 It's all out there.

01:09:21.000 He decided he was going to blackmail me.

01:09:23.000 So he tried to get me to pay him to not publicize the photo, right?

01:09:28.000 But get this.

01:09:30.000 He doesn't have the photo.

01:09:31.000 It doesn't exist.

01:09:32.000 He was trying to get blackmail money before having the smoking gun.

01:09:36.000 And then I saw him on some other chat soliciting the photo.

01:09:40.000 So he thought, before, I'll get the photo later.

01:09:43.000 I know it exists.

01:09:44.000 So I'll just get the money first and then I'll find the evidence later.

01:09:47.000 What an absolute imbecile.

01:09:50.000 So I just put out a thing.

01:09:52.000 I can't remember if it was on Twitter or where I put it, but I said, hey, man, someone's trying to blackmail me with this photo.

01:09:56.000 What should I do?

01:09:57.000 And I just described the photo and killed the story.

01:10:00.000 Oh, I see.

01:10:01.000 But anyway, so the New York Times puts out an article saying that it was a big story.

01:10:08.000 They left, of course, it was two women who wrote this book about Brett Kavanaugh and his sexual escapades.

01:10:13.000 And none of them, I'm sorry, but none of them sound that bad to me.

01:10:18.000 Like there's even when you take their side of the story, you don't really hear a woman lying down going, no, no, get off of me.

01:10:26.000 It's like just kind of nice.

01:10:28.000 And he was nude and he farted.

01:10:29.000 And then someone hit someone in the head with a dick.

01:10:32.000 Jeez.

01:10:33.000 Like, we used to do that all the time.

01:10:35.000 This is nerd tattletaling.

01:10:36.000 Yeah.

01:10:37.000 Yeah.

01:10:38.000 We, like, we, at one party, and I put this in Vice magazine, we cut a guy's tumor out of his head.

01:10:44.000 He had a big tumor on his neck.

01:10:45.000 And with an X-Acto knife, we cut it open and scooped it out.

01:10:48.000 Now, that's a story.

01:10:49.000 Yeah.

01:10:50.000 People do life-threatening makeshift surgery.

01:10:55.000 I don't know.

01:10:56.000 Terry Richardson had a bachelor party where everyone was on heroin.

01:10:59.000 And one guy showed up and there's prostitutes everywhere.

01:11:01.000 Like, sorry, three prostitutes and eight, not dead, but basically dead guys.

01:11:08.000 Smacked out of their minds.

01:11:10.000 So he had a party on their bodies, like a scene out of a war movie.

01:11:15.000 He's just sitting on guys, like bodies, and they're doing Coke, and they're partying and getting wasted.

01:11:20.000 He's having sex with these women and they're holding on to a guy who's just using him as furniture.

01:11:27.000 That's a crazy party.

01:11:28.000 Hell yeah, brother.

01:11:29.000 Hell yeah, bro.

01:11:31.000 Anyway, the New York Times, Howard Stern's beloved New York Times, do you have that video of me listening to the radio?

01:11:39.000 Crop it low.

01:11:40.000 Wait, wait, wait.

01:11:41.000 Crop it low?

01:11:42.000 Crop the top of it off.

01:11:44.000 Okay.

01:11:45.000 Because I don't want people to see.

01:11:47.000 Do we need the visual element?

01:11:49.000 Well, if you go low on the picture, just crop the whole top of it off.

01:11:52.000 Gotcha.

01:11:53.000 This is what we're looking at.

01:11:55.000 Yeah, that should work.

01:11:58.000 I don't know that that investigation would ruin that.

01:12:01.000 Just crop lower.

01:12:06.000 Fuck, you're dumb.

01:12:07.000 Do we need to look at a radio grill?

01:12:09.000 forward was ever handled properly it just was like a railroaded kind of thing like They just voted him right through.

01:12:18.000 I don't know.

01:12:21.000 So just pause.

01:12:22.000 So Howard's turn is being confronted with the fact that he was wrong about Brett Kavanaugh and he's wrong about the New York Times.

01:12:28.000 And he goes, I don't know.

01:12:29.000 That whole thing, I mean, it just seemed like they railroaded him right through.

01:12:32.000 What?

01:12:32.000 They had a whole kangaroo court trial about Blaisey Ford.

01:12:36.000 She sat there crying.

01:12:39.000 Kavanaugh explained himself.

01:12:41.000 I like beer.

01:12:42.000 I still like beer.

01:12:44.000 Right.

01:12:44.000 We went through all of this, and it was a baseless accusation.

01:12:49.000 It's not how court works.

01:12:52.000 But we did it anyway, just for you.

01:12:55.000 You don't know, Howard?

01:12:56.000 I think this is just murky, you know, muddying up the water.

01:12:59.000 Yeah, it's murky.

01:13:00.000 It's not really coming to any conclusion.

01:13:02.000 It's so muddy.

01:13:03.000 If Justice Kavanaugh were just wearing an untucked shirt, then his past would be.

01:13:08.000 Get back to your sponsors, you fucking phony.

01:13:11.000 What did I call him?

01:13:12.000 You fucking phony.

01:13:14.000 Yeah, so he says if Bette Kavanaugh was just wearing an untucked shirt, that's one of his big sponsors on his show.

01:13:19.000 So I heard of good shirts.

01:13:22.000 If you're a loser.

01:13:23.000 So this is ancient news now on Tuesday, but just for the record, we have to get this on there.

01:13:27.000 An earlier version of this article, which was adopted from a forthcoming book, did not include one element of...

01:13:36.000 So the woman who got the penis in her hand, she goes, I don't really remember that.

01:13:39.000 And then they talked to her friends, penis in her hand?

01:13:42.000 I don't know what you're talking about.

01:13:43.000 So either it never happened or it was so irrelevant, it didn't register in anyone's mind, except for some guys way over here.

01:13:50.000 And don't turn that into Ezekiel.

01:13:52.000 So the New York Times, your coveted New York Times, Howard Stern, was forced to say an earlier version of this article, which was adapted from a forthcoming book, did not include one element of the book's account regarding an assertion by a Yale classmate that friends of Brett Kavanaugh pushed his penis into the hand of a female student at a drunken dorm party.

01:14:12.000 Is that really the end of the world?

01:14:15.000 The book reports that the female student declined to be interviewed, and friends say that she does not recall the incident.

01:14:25.000 minor detail.

01:14:26.000 Thank you.

01:14:34.000 Is that how big the detail is?

01:14:35.000 Got to get the focus.

01:14:40.000 Oh.

01:14:43.000 Almost.

01:14:44.000 Gotta pull back a little bit, I think.

01:14:47.000 Yep.

01:14:48.000 Alright, we got focus.

01:14:50.000 Minor detail.

01:14:57.000 And Hollywood is still running with it.

01:14:58.000 They want him impeached.

01:15:00.000 I didn't know you could impeach a Supreme Court judge.

01:15:05.000 Did you know that?

01:15:06.000 No.

01:15:06.000 I guess you couldn't.

01:15:07.000 So the crazy thing with the left is that they see these facts and they just go, they're like a snowplow.

01:15:13.000 They just plow right through it.

01:15:16.000 And Hollywood goes after Brett Kavanaugh.

01:15:18.000 Show the fucking article, Ryan.

01:15:19.000 What are you doing?

01:15:20.000 Sizing it up so I can put over shoulder.

01:15:23.000 Look at the monitor.

01:15:24.000 Looks cool.

01:15:25.000 Another thing we haven't Oh, yeah.

01:15:29.000 Here's another thing that we haven't covered.

01:15:35.000 I have a very unpopular opinion I'm about to hit you with, and you may not, you may want to unsubscribe after I say this.

01:15:42.000 You ready for this?

01:15:43.000 Felicity Huffman is facing 14 days in prison.

01:15:49.000 Why?

01:15:51.000 What was the crime?

01:15:52.000 Fraud?

01:15:54.000 I don't understand this case.

01:15:56.000 I don't understand what she did wrong.

01:15:58.000 I understand what she did wrong ethically.

01:16:00.000 I understand that the school fucked up.

01:16:02.000 But why is she, what crime, what specific crime did she commit?

01:16:08.000 Now, they always use this example of this black woman who went to jail for five years or something, or at least she was sentenced to that for lying about her school district and saying her kids lived here so they could go to this good school.

01:16:21.000 That's fucked up that she went to jail for that.

01:16:24.000 That's ridiculous.

01:16:24.000 But I understand that crime.

01:16:26.000 Public school is a right, and this right is designated by where you live, what communities you're in.

01:16:33.000 If you lie about that, then you are committing fraud about a service that's a right.

01:16:38.000 It's like stealing water or electricity from some other part you don't live in.

01:16:43.000 I think it should be a $10 fine or some bullshit.

01:16:45.000 Don't get me wrong.

01:16:46.000 I don't like the idea of this woman in prison.

01:16:47.000 But at least I get that mentality.

01:16:49.000 I can see what the crime was.

01:16:51.000 This is a private institution.

01:16:54.000 It's a club.

01:16:55.000 And the club diluted their brand by allowing for bribes.

01:17:00.000 That's not illegal.

01:17:01.000 That's just stupid.

01:17:03.000 For example, the Proud Boys.

01:17:05.000 They have a thing where the first degree is you declare that you're a Western chauvinist who refuses to apologize for creating the modern world, right?

01:17:12.000 Second degree, you get beat up until you can name five breakfast cereals.

01:17:16.000 Very sinister, very serious.

01:17:18.000 There couldn't possibly be an element of humor to that.

01:17:21.000 And I guess third degree is you get a tattoo, or is that second degree?

01:17:25.000 That's third.

01:17:26.000 That's third, right?

01:17:28.000 Now, if word got out that Proud Boys were declared third degree and they hadn't done any of those degrees, that's exactly the same scenario.

01:17:38.000 To be in the club Proud Boys isn't your right.

01:17:41.000 To go to a fancy private school, a university, is not your right.

01:17:46.000 Now, the club, the brand, the institution is diluting themselves when they accept bribes and give out freebies for people who don't deserve them, but that's the brand ruining itself.

01:17:59.000 It's not an illegal crime.

01:18:02.000 I don't like a world where rich people get into all these fancy universities, but as someone who goes to the university, you go, that's not a good university anymore.

01:18:09.000 They cheat.

01:18:10.000 So my degree is worthless.

01:18:13.000 In fact, I would argue that someone with a degree from that school, they'd have a great class action suit against the school to sue them and say, you sold me this degree that said it's about me completing this on my own merit, yet you're giving it away for free to those people.

01:18:30.000 You just ruined this piece of paper.

01:18:32.000 That I get, but that again is a civil lawsuit.

01:18:35.000 It's not breaking a law.

01:18:40.000 Looming over Ms. Huffman's sentencing were questions about fairness.

01:18:44.000 Yeah, it wasn't fair what happened.

01:18:46.000 And whether she and the other mostly white parents, of course they have to add white in the New York Times.

01:18:53.000 Wait, why did that appear there?

01:18:55.000 Isn't it funny that her husband in that picture, which you're not showing for some reason, is the star of the show Shameless?

01:19:04.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:19:06.000 White, white, white-ity, white parents in the case would be treated more leniently than poor or non-white defendants accused of educational fraud.

01:19:13.000 No, my point is it's different.

01:19:15.000 Public school is a right.

01:19:17.000 That's a different type of educational fraud.

01:19:19.000 This woman just cheated her way into a club, like a country club.

01:19:23.000 Rich country clubs charge anywhere from $3,000 to $40,000 to $100,000 to join.

01:19:28.000 If you found out that there was two people at the country club that got in for five bucks, you go, hey, that's not fair.

01:19:36.000 This country club fucks around.

01:19:38.000 It fucks over people.

01:19:39.000 I don't like it here anymore.

01:19:41.000 It's an unethical place.

01:19:43.000 But how is that illegal?

01:19:47.000 Is this a good analogy?

01:19:48.000 A guy goes into a bodega and gets bubblegum lower than retail price, and then he gets in trouble instead of the place that sold it to him below retail.

01:20:00.000 We'll be right back.

01:20:01.000 No, that's different.

01:20:03.000 Because you're now, well, I guess it's the same in that you're being fraudulent to everyone who's ever bought gum there.

01:20:08.000 Yes.

01:20:08.000 But I don't even think the university should be criminally prosecuted.

01:20:13.000 They should be sued by everyone who has a degree from there.

01:20:18.000 The issues were emerging in a case that has been seeped with questions of inequity and well-to-do parents' effort not to just guard their advantages, but to grab more.

01:20:28.000 All right.

01:20:29.000 So anyway, I know that you don't like me saying this, and I sympathize with your disdain for my opinion.

01:20:38.000 And I'm not on the side of Felicity Huffman.

01:20:40.000 Don't get me wrong.

01:20:41.000 I know she hates me.

01:20:42.000 I know I'd hate her.

01:20:43.000 I just don't understand how we keep inventing these kangaroo courts.

01:20:48.000 This is sort of like the Me Too thing.

01:20:50.000 We have laws.

01:20:51.000 They go back to the Magna Carta.

01:20:52.000 Just because you don't like someone, just because they're doing dirty, immoral things, it's really none of your business if it doesn't break the law.

01:21:01.000 Yes, this arguably hurts people who worked hard at those schools.

01:21:04.000 Those people have a great case.

01:21:06.000 The rest of us, I don't know, 14 years in jail?

01:21:10.000 And again, this is totally different with public education.

01:21:12.000 Anyway, I can feel myself boring you.

01:21:17.000 I wanted to talk about James Corden and fat shaming.

01:21:20.000 I wanted to talk about school shootings.

01:21:22.000 I want to talk about why little kids have stuffed animals.

01:21:24.000 We'll have to do that tomorrow because we need to get to the mailbag.

01:21:32.000 I love the mailbag, by the way.

01:21:34.000 Before we continue, I also love the mailbag.

01:21:37.000 Ryan, shut up, you don't have a dad.

01:21:41.000 Let's turn our price to Gavin's mailbag.

01:21:47.000 Let me touch it.

01:21:49.000 This letter from Robert Kern.

01:21:51.000 That should be in your notes, by the way.

01:21:54.000 Hey, Gav, you've mentioned your top Trump moments, and I have to ask, how does this not make the list?

01:21:59.000 He physically pushes aside other world leaders to make sure he's in view of the cameras.

01:22:05.000 Thank you for your letter, Robert.

01:22:07.000 This is a great point.

01:22:08.000 Let's enjoy this clip together as a group.

01:22:14.000 Yeah, I don't like being in the back.

01:22:16.000 Excuse me.

01:22:18.000 Make way.

01:22:19.000 There we go.

01:22:23.000 Wait, did she put out her hand for a handshake and he didn't do it?

01:22:26.000 Let's see.

01:22:27.000 Move it.

01:22:28.000 Move it.

01:22:29.000 And I've arrived.

01:22:31.000 Hi, how are you?

01:22:32.000 You're a loser.

01:22:33.000 You're a loser.

01:22:34.000 I'll point at you.

01:22:35.000 Not going to shake your hand, frankly.

01:22:35.000 I'll point.

01:22:37.000 We should watch that in slow motion.

01:22:38.000 Okay.

01:22:39.000 Because the jacket adjustment is that of a G, I believe we should say.

01:22:46.000 If there was a letter, it would be the letter G. An OG.

01:22:51.000 All right, this sucks.

01:22:52.000 What am I behind all these fucking European cocks for?

01:22:55.000 Excuse me, pal.

01:22:56.000 Bye-bye.

01:22:58.000 Yep.

01:22:59.000 And I'm at the front now.

01:23:00.000 Oh, we've arrived.

01:23:01.000 Boom.

01:23:02.000 Hi, Mr. Trump.

01:23:03.000 I'm from like Brussels or something.

01:23:05.000 You are fake news.

01:23:08.000 You're a fake country.

01:23:10.000 Your country stinks.

01:23:13.000 You're a fake union.

01:23:14.000 I'm for Brexit.

01:23:15.000 Move it.

01:23:16.000 Yeah, that's awesome.

01:23:17.000 That is great.

01:23:20.000 I think you misunderstood.

01:23:23.000 My top Trump moments.

01:23:25.000 I don't remember saying my top Trump moments.

01:23:27.000 I said what brought me over to his side was when he was talking about anchor babies and they said, what should I say?

01:23:33.000 And he said, undocumented citizens of the workers who are born here as naturalized citizens.

01:23:37.000 And he goes, that takes too long.

01:23:38.000 I'm going to say anchor babies.

01:23:40.000 That's what made me fall in love with him.

01:23:41.000 After that, it was all gravy.

01:23:43.000 Like that scene with Justin Trudeau when he's putting his little notebook away into his briefcase and he sees Trump and Trump's like, hey, Fag.

01:23:52.000 And then you see sort of Justin go, oh, okay, I guess I'll continue putting my little moleskin books back away into my case.

01:24:01.000 It's really about it for a rebel.

01:24:03.000 Yeah, it's like some summit.

01:24:07.000 He did another really embarrassing one where he got iced out by some, like a different leader.

01:24:12.000 There's a newer one.

01:24:14.000 I guess that just happens.

01:24:16.000 Well, he's a cuck.

01:24:17.000 He's abroad.

01:24:20.000 All right, next letter.

01:24:21.000 Daniqua.

01:24:23.000 Our only female black viewer.

01:24:26.000 That's not true.

01:24:27.000 Yo, Gavin, what's up?

01:24:30.000 Since the left has gone off the rails and labels everyone they disagree with as racist, fascist, or Nazi, I feel like actual hate groups aren't getting any attention.

01:24:39.000 I was wondering if you ever feel a bit worried that actual hate groups are able to fly under the radar in this new political climate, allowing them to grow and flourish.

01:24:47.000 I feel like this is an issue or a potential issue that has gone unaddressed in all of the them versus us tribalism that we currently see, especially when actual hate groups like violent race-based gangs of any denomination are now able to operate theoretically uncriticized because MSN is fringe-left and only focuses on their political enemies.

01:25:07.000 Thanks.

01:25:08.000 Chanel.

01:25:09.000 Okay, not Daniqua.

01:25:11.000 I guess she made up a fake email.

01:25:14.000 Yes.

01:25:16.000 Bonafide hate groups are allowed to quote-unquote flourish in the environment we are in because we're focused on fake Nazis like myself.

01:25:26.000 But those groups are inconsequential.

01:25:29.000 We have one death from Heather Heyer after an autistic lunatic named James Field was spooked by Antifa with guns.

01:25:39.000 What else do we got?

01:25:40.000 The Aryan Brotherhood?

01:25:41.000 Aryan Brotherhood, do they do anything outside of prison?

01:25:45.000 I don't want to disparage Aryan Brotherhood.

01:25:46.000 Please don't kill me.

01:25:47.000 But I assume they just sell drugs and are a gang that protects white guys in prison.

01:25:54.000 What are these other groups going to do?

01:25:56.000 If you're looking for racial violence that's getting ignored, how about the Hispanic War on Blacks going on in South Central where Molotov cocktails are being thrown into black people's homes in Compton by Mexican gang members in order to cleanse the neighborhood of the Negro?

01:26:17.000 There is a race war going on in Southern California and the media is totally ignoring it.

01:26:22.000 The only person I've ever seen report on it is Ryan Gerdeski at Red Alert Politics.

01:26:31.000 If you look up Ryan Gerdesky, Red Alert, and then Molotov, it'll come up.

01:26:35.000 And it's basically the only place I've ever seen it.

01:26:37.000 We should get Ryan Gurdesky on the show again.

01:26:42.000 And there was one black girl just riding her skateboard in South Central.

01:26:47.000 They shot her in the head, killed her dead, solely because of her race.

01:26:50.000 Why are you pulling up every article that Ryan's ever written?

01:26:55.000 It says, I clicked on a link that says race-based murder in America.

01:26:59.000 Blacks are being targeted.

01:27:00.000 And then it brings me to some bullshit.

01:27:03.000 Oh.

01:27:03.000 Yeah.

01:27:04.000 Maybe it's deleted.

01:27:06.000 That would be weird.

01:27:08.000 It is a really old article, though.

01:27:10.000 Probably goes back five years now.

01:27:12.000 I think it's spooky.

01:27:13.000 So your point is true, but irrelevant, my dear.

01:27:17.000 These actual Nazi groups, they don't do anything.

01:27:20.000 They don't exist.

01:27:21.000 You're looking for anti-Semitism?

01:27:22.000 Check in on Islam.

01:27:24.000 Check in on Linda Sarsour.

01:27:26.000 Check out on Ilhan Omar, who trivializes 9-11.

01:27:28.000 You want to see Jews being chased out of their neighborhoods?

01:27:31.000 Go to northern Paris.

01:27:33.000 Wear a yarmulke in northern Paris if you're looking for anti-Semitism in the Western world.

01:27:38.000 Yes, these Nazis can flourish, but that's like saying an ant is able to flourish.

01:27:44.000 It's not a thing.

01:27:46.000 All right.

01:27:49.000 last letter uh...

01:27:55.000 This guy says, his name is PJR.

01:27:58.000 You are wet.

01:27:59.000 You're spelled wrong.

01:28:00.000 You're wet in the brain for not playing the Pastels Speeding Motorcycle.

01:28:06.000 You Scott Trader.

01:28:07.000 I presume this is a Scottish gentleman.

01:28:08.000 Oh, the Pastels are from Glasgow.

01:28:10.000 That's why he's calling me a Scottish trader.

01:28:11.000 The Pastels covered Daniel Johnson's speeding motorcycle.

01:28:15.000 It doesn't blow me away.

01:28:16.000 I prefer Yola Tango's, but let's hear it.

01:28:19.000 While Ryan looks up pictures of yes, there's a link.

01:28:23.000 It's in the notes for the mailbag.

01:28:25.000 Speedway?

01:28:35.000 They don't sound Westwegian, do they?

01:28:36.000 They sound cool.

01:28:38.000 They sound like the dead milkmen.

01:28:40.000 You know when they go in bitching Camaro, where he goes, I got my Camaro down at the shore.

01:28:45.000 In Bahamas.

01:28:46.000 Oh, you're kidding?

01:28:47.000 I must be.

01:28:47.000 Bahamas or Islands.

01:28:49.000 That's how they talk.

01:29:00.000 Turn it up?

01:29:01.000 Did you want to hear that other?

01:29:02.000 No!

01:29:03.000 Dead Milkman.

01:29:14.000 Okay.

01:29:18.000 You know what is a great pastel's jam?

01:29:21.000 You know this?

01:29:21.000 Look up the song Different Drummer by Linda Ronstadt.

01:29:24.000 You and I, I'm between the men of a different...

01:29:32.000 It's a girl dumping a guy where she goes, no, Linda Ronstadt.

01:29:38.000 Linda Ronstadt.

01:29:39.000 Linda Ronstadt.

01:29:43.000 We'll both live a lot longer.

01:29:46.000 If I live without you.

01:29:49.000 It's a beautiful song about a guy about getting dumped.

01:29:51.000 Linda Ronstadt's in the Stone Ponies?

01:29:54.000 Is it Different Drummer is the song?

01:29:54.000 I don't know.

01:29:57.000 Yeah, there we go.

01:30:01.000 You and I come to the beat of a different drum.

01:30:06.000 Oh, can you tell by the way I run every time you play?

01:30:16.000 If the girl ever made me a mixtape, this would be the first song.

01:30:27.000 See the focus for the tree.

01:30:29.000 You know who dated her?

01:30:31.000 Gavin Newsom.

01:30:34.000 No, no, no.

01:30:35.000 Maybe it was Jerry Brown, Governor of California.

01:30:38.000 Yeah, let me dream, man.

01:30:39.000 I'm not fucking for a boy who wants to love only me.

01:30:45.000 Yes, and I ain't saying you ain't pretty.

01:30:51.000 I'm just.

01:30:52.000 Just saying I'm not ready for any person.

01:30:58.000 A lot of famous Aaron Neville Gross.

01:31:01.000 Jim Carrey?

01:31:02.000 Fuck.

01:31:04.000 Yeah, Jerry Brown.

01:31:05.000 I am Governor Jerry Brown.

01:31:07.000 Okay, so the reason I played you that, so you'd be familiar with the song.

01:31:10.000 And I don't, covers rarely do a better job, but I think the pastels, they're so nihilistic and heroine-y and sad that I think they did a really good job of this.

01:31:19.000 They stole the girl.

01:31:25.000 And they have their annoying surf guy voice.

01:31:29.000 You and I travel to the beat of a different drum.

01:31:36.000 Can't you tell by the way I run?

01:31:40.000 Every time you make eyes at me Good for mixtapes.

01:31:46.000 Do kids still make mixtapes difficult?

01:31:48.000 Like the playlist in Spotify?

01:31:50.000 No.

01:31:52.000 Well, I don't know.

01:31:54.000 I've got my dad who can't see the forest for the trees.

01:31:54.000 But I used to.

01:32:02.000 Wenda also dated Steve Martin.

01:32:04.000 Oh, my brain also dated Kare.

01:32:07.000 And they broke up.

01:32:10.000 Alright, that's enough.

01:32:11.000 It's like pop-up video, but has nothing to do with the song.

01:32:15.000 Let's end with a woman diarrheaing on the carpet.

01:32:18.000 So Gordon Ramsey has a new show.

01:32:20.000 I think he looks at hotels now.

01:32:22.000 I don't quite understand.

01:32:23.000 Or maybe inns, bed and breakfasts.

01:32:26.000 But he has a shit meter that registers how gross something is.

01:32:31.000 I'd hate him to wave it over this show because I'm worried the rating would be really high.

01:32:37.000 So he goes to, I guess, a witch's house, and he analyzes their carpets, and they have...

01:32:49.000 Why are we learning so much about your job?

01:32:52.000 He notices they have an 800-4 disgusting reading on his Grosometer.

01:32:58.000 And so they're trying to figure out why is this hotel so gross?

01:33:03.000 Hotel Hell, it's called.

01:33:05.000 And Gordon Ramsey checks out your hotel.

01:33:07.000 How are we doing here?

01:33:09.000 Probably because there's crap on the hotel.

01:33:10.000 Wait, go back.

01:33:11.000 Stop, stop, stop.

01:33:12.000 You're way too far.

01:33:13.000 Go back like 30 seconds.

01:33:15.000 Yeah, that's his middle shit meter.

01:33:18.000 It can't be that bad.

01:33:20.000 We get a lot of bikers, bicyclists and hikers.

01:33:23.000 You're paying $130 to get out of bed and step on a disgusting, stinking carpet.

01:33:32.000 It smells like there's crap all over the floor.

01:33:34.000 Probably because there's crap on the floor.

01:33:37.000 Probably could be.

01:33:39.000 What does that mean?

01:33:39.000 Could be.

01:33:41.000 My first shift here, you were in the bathroom, and I think you had an accident on the floor, on the mat.

01:33:52.000 Oh, my God.

01:33:53.000 I mean, yeah.

01:33:54.000 There have been times when I have had diarrhea, but it doesn't happen very often.

01:34:00.000 No, I didn't realize that there was that problem.

01:34:04.000 All right, that's enough.

01:34:06.000 By the way, if you're ever confessing to diarrhea and to diarrhea on your hotel floor, make sure that you add a word right after.

01:34:17.000 Like, well, sometimes I have diarrhea, but I never get it on the floor.

01:34:21.000 Or, you know, sometimes I have diarrhea, but there's a lot of things in the Brett Kavanaugh story they forgot.

01:34:26.000 Or sometimes I have diarrhea, but sometimes I don't.

01:34:28.000 Sometimes I'm a wonderful person with a perfectly clean back side.

01:34:31.000 Make sure this stuff, it's, you'll notice in comedy they do it where they go, blah, blah, blah.

01:34:34.000 And they're sourcing out starbursts for their friends.

01:34:38.000 Yeah.

01:34:39.000 You know, you got to get away from it.

01:34:40.000 Yeah.

01:34:41.000 And sometimes I have diarrhea.

Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes - September 17, 2019

S02E60 - WHITE NOISE

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