JustPearlyThings - December 24, 2022


She CALLED HERSELF Traditional


Episode Stats

Length

10 minutes

Words per Minute

222.21152

Word Count

2,307

Sentence Count

176


Summary


Transcript

00:00:00.000 Even with that situation, again, that was, like, my first full-on relationship.
00:00:03.760 Because where, obviously, I am also religious, like, I do believe in God.
00:00:07.140 Yeah.
00:00:07.600 And I believe fornication is a sin.
00:00:09.960 So with me, if it's a big thing for me to even try fornicate, I'd rather not.
00:00:14.640 In that first relationship, I was staying with him because my intention was marriage
00:00:18.400 and we were planning to get married.
00:00:19.700 Right.
00:00:20.100 And it was a lot more secure.
00:00:21.240 Yeah.
00:00:21.900 Investments happened.
00:00:22.860 Wouldn't it be more secure in the second because you are married?
00:00:25.540 Well, no, that's what I mean.
00:00:26.360 So the second when it happened,
00:00:28.200 the reason why I'm not leaving is because it's not that he's a good or amazing guy.
00:00:35.540 It's more it was the right person, the wrong time.
00:00:38.960 So why do you know it's going to work in three years time?
00:00:41.640 Why the three years?
00:00:42.800 Because it sounds like you've got it all figured out now that, you know,
00:00:45.860 what a great guy he is and what you both need to work on.
00:00:48.660 It sounds like a backup plan.
00:00:50.100 Yeah.
00:00:50.600 Because why the three years?
00:00:51.800 I don't think I don't think it's I don't think he's an amazing guy.
00:00:54.660 I think with time, he will also.
00:00:56.960 I feel like we need time to figure ourselves out.
00:00:59.760 And when I say that, I mean, I feel like he's not ready to.
00:01:05.160 I feel like a man's a man's under a lot of pressure.
00:01:07.160 He feels like he has to have X amount of money.
00:01:08.960 He needs to make sure he can keep a woman because I feel like men feel like women
00:01:12.800 will cheat on them if they're not doing certain things.
00:01:15.460 And I think he feels like if he doesn't provide me with a million roses and all of that,
00:01:19.920 I'm not going to stay loyal to him.
00:01:21.300 He doesn't realize that I'm a religious person.
00:01:23.160 And that's not going to be a problem, if that makes sense.
00:01:26.460 I just think that you need to get it sorted sooner or later and have a conversation.
00:01:30.500 In three years, everything's going to be different.
00:01:31.360 Because you can both work it out together and grow together rather than three years time.
00:01:36.120 You can both be in separate places in three years.
00:01:38.960 Yeah.
00:01:39.460 You might as well do it together.
00:01:40.960 You know what you want.
00:01:41.920 You sound like you know what you want.
00:01:43.140 You sound quite sensible and reasonable.
00:01:44.900 So why not do it now and see where you both are in three years rather than wait three years
00:01:50.580 just to jump in.
00:01:51.720 There's a lot that can happen in three years.
00:01:53.720 Well, you can get there together.
00:01:55.100 You know he's not there yet.
00:01:56.360 You know what he needs and you can be there to support him.
00:01:59.460 I think there's certain things that you need to work.
00:02:02.280 I get where you're coming from.
00:02:03.040 I think there's, because you guys got married when you were younger, I think there's certain
00:02:06.320 things where you have to work on by yourself to then be able to come together with someone.
00:02:11.880 So I get the three years thing because clearly you've got stuff that you want to work on
00:02:15.340 and grow and whatever and he's got his own issues.
00:02:16.960 And I think if you guys get back, you guys get back together, that pressure is still going
00:02:21.960 to be there because you haven't worked on your individual selves.
00:02:24.520 That's why I always say even with marriages and because I desire to get married and stuff
00:02:27.820 but I know that I'm not ready to get married now because there's stuff that I need to
00:02:31.160 figure out and these are the things I need to figure out by myself before I can then
00:02:34.640 come together to figure that part of my life out.
00:02:38.760 Do you get what I mean?
00:02:39.760 I still think you want to go carnival, that's why.
00:02:42.560 I want to go carnival, that's why.
00:02:44.760 That's why, you know, when guys hear that you're figuring yourself out, they just think
00:02:49.400 you're sleeping around.
00:02:51.400 And honestly, that's what it sounds like because I don't understand what do you, how it's
00:02:56.000 not that.
00:02:57.000 Can I ask you, can I ask you how long it's been since you both separated?
00:03:00.280 Like how long have you been figuring it out?
00:03:03.040 I'll say it was the start of the pandemic, but it's not that we're figuring it out.
00:03:06.960 I think it was just that we were two different people coming together and the pressures of
00:03:11.480 the pandemic obviously put a lot more strain on us.
00:03:14.240 And I feel like also this concept, like for example, we people believe that if you're married,
00:03:20.240 you have to sleep in the same bed every single night, whereas some people's relationships
00:03:24.160 aren't like that.
00:03:25.080 I didn't understand that when I was younger, that actually some people genuinely don't want
00:03:28.760 to be in a bed with someone else every single night.
00:03:31.520 And that's something that I'm only coming to terms with now, if that makes sense.
00:03:34.840 So I think the more that I'm growing as a person, I'm learning a lot about myself and I'm accepting
00:03:40.000 as well that you don't have to have what social media show as a traditional marriage.
00:03:44.520 Yeah. You can have your own version.
00:03:46.280 Yeah. And I'll ask you a question though.
00:03:48.840 Do you think you and your partner have the same core values?
00:03:52.440 Yes. And I think that's the reason why we're, I can see me being compatible with him.
00:03:58.680 So what's like the real, like, I don't understand what, what's not there then.
00:04:03.080 It seems like he's a great guy.
00:04:04.200 Yeah.
00:04:05.560 No, I think, no, no, I think it's not that he's a great guy.
00:04:09.000 It's I've made a choice and I feel like I will do whatever I can to make sure it works.
00:04:14.200 Okay.
00:04:14.520 If that makes sense, because I think, especially with marriage, it's a big commitment.
00:04:18.360 And, you know, you do it through thick and thin.
00:04:20.360 Yeah.
00:04:20.840 Um, I think it's more, um, I didn't understand, like when he did mention,
00:04:26.120 if he did mention multiple partners or having other partners, for me, that was like, what do you mean?
00:04:31.880 But I then had to like recheck myself and actually say, that's not something I'm not used to,
00:04:36.680 or I'm abnormal, or that isn't the norm.
00:04:39.320 Um, so I think when I initially reacted and again, that was the trauma from the first
00:04:43.960 relationship coming through that I had to unlearn.
00:04:46.760 It was almost like, oh, that means you must be cheating every day when actually he wasn't.
00:04:50.680 So it made us very toxic for no reason.
00:04:53.160 So it kind of goes back to like women can't handle the truth.
00:04:55.800 Well, I've separated and like revisiting what I actually want in life and how it impacts me.
00:05:00.760 I've realized that actually it's not, I can't handle the to mature, if that makes sense.
00:05:06.040 Then I wouldn't be able to.
00:05:07.080 But as I've now learned a lot more about myself, I'm like, yeah, I can.
00:05:10.680 Have you had help for your trauma?
00:05:12.280 I guess it was more.
00:05:13.480 Professional help.
00:05:14.680 Yeah. Well, I've done, I've done counselling and stuff.
00:05:16.760 It's not, I would, yeah, I've done counselling and stuff.
00:05:19.960 I don't think, I think it's just time.
00:05:21.560 So sometimes you don't, even counselling doesn't help.
00:05:23.480 It's just, just maturing.
00:05:24.840 I think as well, it's about emotional management.
00:05:27.560 So imagine your emotions, um, in line with what's going on.
00:05:32.200 Because often we, we have emotional responses to things that are happening at that time.
00:05:37.720 Yeah.
00:05:37.960 We've thought about them.
00:05:39.000 We've, we've, and I'm, and I know someone's going to say, oh, you're, you're saying we're crazy.
00:05:43.640 No, we think about things that could happen.
00:05:46.680 We think about those things, think about it.
00:05:48.520 And the moment we're confronted with the situation at hand, we respond to the.
00:05:52.520 See, do you know what, because of your background, I think you're quite sensible, isn't it?
00:05:56.360 But what I would say is that for most women, the way you're handling it wouldn't be good
00:06:01.000 advice because for most women taking time away and pushing it to the future just means racking
00:06:06.440 up bodies, racking up more trauma and expecting a guy to come and take hold of it in the, in the future.
00:06:11.560 And I think that's where like, obviously like my faith, faith comes in, if that makes sense.
00:06:15.960 Because obviously that's what will keep me in check in that sense.
00:06:18.920 Because I, I don't believe in sort of committing fornication like that to me.
00:06:23.080 It protects me a bit more from that.
00:06:25.320 Um, obviously women who might not share my same background might be a bit, yeah, maybe they might,
00:06:30.600 you know, cause them healing is, is taking more willy.
00:06:33.480 Yeah.
00:06:33.800 But, but are you actually, this is the question I would ask is, are you actually dealing with the
00:06:39.000 issues at hand because so, so you're working on them separately, but you're not working on them
00:06:44.840 together and that issue. So when you come back, you're going to be a different woman and he's going
00:06:49.560 to be a different man. And then there's going to be other issues because you're not working together.
00:06:53.640 Yeah.
00:06:53.960 So I think what's happening is I'm growing into who I am and he's growing into who he is.
00:06:58.440 And if it matches, this is why I say I'll give it time. Cause if it is the, that we work out,
00:07:02.840 we work out. If not, we're just getting better at just say like, cause I've got a five year old,
00:07:07.720 we're getting better at co-parenting. Do you get what I mean? So we've got,
00:07:10.840 we're getting better in our relationship itself.
00:07:13.720 What's the separation, his choice or yours?
00:07:19.000 It was, I guess both.
00:07:22.360 Come on. Someone, someone started the conversation.
00:07:26.120 It wasn't, let's put it this way. It wasn't a nice separation.
00:07:29.560 Yeah.
00:07:30.040 It was very, it was a very, um, abrupt and sort of not great.
00:07:34.680 Yeah. But who, who started the, like someone it's dishonest to say that it was a mutual thing.
00:07:40.600 Like someone has to start the conversation.
00:07:44.280 Um, someone has to say, this isn't moving out or I'm moving out or we're, we're,
00:07:50.200 this isn't working. Let's take some time apart.
00:07:52.680 I guess the guy would, he would say it more than I would, but then it's,
00:07:57.480 it's more because I would, uh, yeah, I guess he would say it.
00:08:00.520 So you say it as that I can't take it.
00:08:02.120 It was a joint argument.
00:08:02.600 So it was, so it was his choice.
00:08:04.680 Yeah.
00:08:05.240 Okay.
00:08:05.640 Yeah.
00:08:06.200 That's abnormal. Usually it's like the other way around.
00:08:08.200 Yeah, no, no, I guess it was his choice, but it's more, I think, um, obviously where we had
00:08:12.600 a child involved, it was a lot harder, um, because we couldn't get the right grieving
00:08:17.080 or time apart that we would have had to, because it's almost like we had an argument the day before,
00:08:21.720 and then because of my daughter, we'll have to now stay in communication.
00:08:25.080 Um, I think the time, the COVID time really helped sort of put that aside.
00:08:29.080 Do you think like, if you called him tomorrow and said like, I want to work this out,
00:08:32.360 let's move back in together, he would do it?
00:08:34.200 Not yet.
00:08:35.160 Not yet.
00:08:36.120 I think, and he's also agreed in a few years, potentially it's more likely.
00:08:40.920 Whereas I think he isn't where he wants to be.
00:08:43.400 And he knows that I'm not where I want to be.
00:08:45.080 And I think one of the biggest thing is because when we did break up, I never had a hot girl summer.
00:08:49.800 Let's say like, I've never experienced that.
00:08:51.240 I came from a culture where we didn't really go out the house.
00:08:53.400 I'm not trying to be rude.
00:08:54.360 Yeah.
00:08:54.760 But didn't you just say you were at Carnival before the podcast?
00:08:57.560 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:08:58.760 No, so that's what I mean.
00:08:59.720 Okay.
00:09:00.280 So I never really experienced, I never experienced that sort of dating or casual dating or even like,
00:09:06.120 you know, so when I first came out of the relationship, I was like, okay, yeah, let me explore this.
00:09:11.560 I tried online, yeah, I tried online dating.
00:09:13.880 It was horrendous.
00:09:14.680 I tried, you know, meeting people in real life.
00:09:18.520 It was, it was a joke.
00:09:19.960 So yeah, like I now get to go Carnival as a single person, I guess, with my friends.
00:09:24.280 But again, it's not, it's just for fun for me.
00:09:26.200 It's nothing like nothing.
00:09:27.880 There's no guys.
00:09:30.920 It's not serious for you.
00:09:32.280 But if you're looking at it from a male perspective, these are all the flags that say, okay,
00:09:37.240 she doesn't want to do this.
00:09:38.360 No, but it's not, I don't go Carnival to dance some guys.
00:09:41.320 I know, I know, but it's inevitable.
00:09:43.160 Like, even if you try not to, you could be standing there.
00:09:46.120 A guy wants to line up on himself.
00:09:47.640 Leave him, you know.
00:09:48.680 Yeah, but I'm that gym.
00:09:50.600 No, no, I understand.
00:09:51.640 But it's inevitable because it's, you know, when you're in a relationship and there's
00:09:56.280 things that is, you know, you're making, okay, let me put it like this.
00:10:00.440 From a male's perspective, and I'm not a male, but look at it like this.
00:10:04.440 You're making yourself available for men to approach you.
00:10:08.440 And it's kind of like your words really aren't matching what you're saying,
00:10:11.240 because like you said you're a traditional woman.
00:10:13.320 Traditional women don't go to Carnival.
00:10:14.680 I'm saying, I'm saying like, and then like, let me, let me finish.
00:10:17.400 Like my, my mom, my grandma wouldn't be caught dead at Carnival.
00:10:20.200 They said they want vibes.
00:10:21.240 They're like, what are you talking about?