JustPearlyThings - June 09, 2023


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Episode Stats

Length

14 minutes

Words per Minute

216.10887

Word Count

3,065

Sentence Count

244


Summary


Transcript

00:00:00.000 Wait, wait, I've got a question quickly, I've got a question quickly, just a kind of caveat of it, yeah?
00:00:03.860 Yeah.
00:00:04.420 So, on that note, because you're talking about I, I, I, would you say that the modern woman is selfish then?
00:00:08.980 Yes, because society allows that to be the case, because it's about what you want.
00:00:17.140 Is it what the woman wants?
00:00:18.020 I don't think that's the case for every woman, no.
00:00:20.480 Because I've been very selfless in relationships, I've got nothing back.
00:00:23.600 Right, exactly.
00:00:24.560 So, how can I be selfish?
00:00:26.360 No, no, no, but...
00:00:27.480 When kids are involved, you kind of have to be selfish, so sorry to cut you off.
00:00:30.000 Yeah, that's all right, it's all right.
00:00:31.380 Selfish like how, though?
00:00:33.180 When the kids are involved?
00:00:34.580 Well, like, your kids are your priority, so it's like, regardless of what, how anybody feels, like, your child is your priority.
00:00:40.280 Isn't it a priority to stay in that relationship with two parents?
00:00:42.360 No, my priority is to take care of my child.
00:00:45.080 Yeah, so, that's, that's being selfless.
00:00:48.520 Like, when you have a kid, it's not supposed to be about you anymore, it's about your kid, fuck your happiness.
00:00:53.160 But that's exactly...
00:00:53.640 I think unless you're in, like, extenuating circumstances where you are getting abused or...
00:00:57.880 Yeah, I'm with you, I'm with you on it.
00:00:59.460 You should stay in the marriage.
00:01:00.840 If your child's in danger, yeah, I agree.
00:01:03.520 But that's not, that's not the majority of cases.
00:01:05.380 If the child's not in danger, you need to try working out together.
00:01:08.620 But that's exactly what, like, for example, my daughter doesn't know we're separate.
00:01:12.780 My daughter hasn't experienced anything different.
00:01:15.040 When she sees us, she sees us very amicable, and she, she doesn't know anything different.
00:01:19.740 Do you live in the same house?
00:01:21.100 No, we don't live in the same house.
00:01:22.640 That's best.
00:01:23.080 Okay.
00:01:23.440 But when I say that, when I say I'm putting my daughter first, that's the reason why I'm
00:01:28.040 not chasing another man, or chasing another relationship, because the most beneficial
00:01:32.380 one is me and her father.
00:01:33.820 But, like, you see, you keep kind of contradicting yourself, and you did it again just there,
00:01:38.540 because you said your daughter, you don't live in the same house, but your daughter doesn't
00:01:42.120 know anything's up.
00:01:43.660 Yeah.
00:01:43.760 She may not at five, but she will.
00:01:46.440 Yeah.
00:01:46.740 And when she, and so, and so she might not understand it, but you, you can't say that
00:01:50.680 it's like, she's not going to notice that her dad or her mom isn't in the home.
00:01:54.680 No, but I'm not saying there's, my, my dad used to work here while my family were back
00:01:59.320 home.
00:01:59.660 My dad wasn't present in their lives every single day.
00:02:02.760 And I think that's another big misconception that a parent or a dad has to be at home every single
00:02:07.800 day.
00:02:08.060 It's a cultural thing, I reckon.
00:02:09.360 Yeah, exactly.
00:02:09.680 Did it affect you, not having him there all the time?
00:02:11.940 No, no, not at all.
00:02:13.560 I love my dad.
00:02:14.500 Like, my dad was an amazing man, an amazing father figure, amazing.
00:02:17.380 That's why I can't trash men, because I have so much respect for my mom.
00:02:19.880 You don't think it would have been better if your dad was there a bit often?
00:02:22.800 You spent more time on dinner?
00:02:23.380 No, I feel like my relationship...
00:02:25.000 I'm just, I'm just thinking about Pearl and her dad.
00:02:28.080 No, no.
00:02:28.600 Yeah, my dad, my dad was gone, my dad was gone a lot too, and I'd say, like, it did affect me.
00:02:33.300 Like, I, yeah.
00:02:34.840 I mean, I would have been better if he was there.
00:02:36.480 I still love him and I respect him more than anything.
00:02:38.440 But, like, I think it would be dumb to say I didn't want my dad around more.
00:02:41.660 Do you think it would have changed your perspective on you, because you said that you battled being traditional Western?
00:02:48.800 Do you think if your dad was there more, that you'd be a lot more traditional than Western?
00:02:51.760 No, I think the problem with me was when I went to uni, and I came out of my traditional, or my culture.
00:02:58.780 The bubble.
00:02:59.220 The bubble.
00:02:59.760 So, I think that bubble protected me for so long, and I wish I stayed in it a bit longer, because the trauma only came when I thought, oh, let me experience a bit of life.
00:03:07.820 Can I just say this?
00:03:09.500 Do you think your dad being present in your life when you were growing up would help you manage your situation right now with your husband better, because he would have been able to advise you, or even now, I don't know what your relationship is like now.
00:03:23.340 But he would be able to guide you, or even have an impact on you in a way that would allow you to manage the situation better.
00:03:32.040 I don't, I feel like I'm managing the situation well compared to what society will tell me, because there's a lot of people that will tell me, why are you even investing any more time?
00:03:40.600 Or why are you even allowing this dynamics?
00:03:42.800 Because a lot of people will say, oh, close book and rush out.
00:03:46.080 That's why girls give the worst advice.
00:03:48.100 I don't think you could say you're managing it well unless you're still with him.
00:03:51.600 Can I just?
00:03:52.080 No, it's not, it's, it's not, you can't, it's like, that's like, that's like, that's like, that's like, that's like failing a test and saying you got an A.
00:03:59.200 No, when I say managing it well, I'm saying about, I'm respecting his values or views in where he is in life.
00:04:05.940 I'm respecting that he's not ready to commit to the marriage and children yet, because he feels like he can't be that responsible.
00:04:12.740 Why did you get married?
00:04:14.040 No, wait, wait, wait, before, before that, before that.
00:04:16.160 Can I just say, Sarai, I'm so proud of you.
00:04:18.680 Like, we can all see how much, like, you love your daughter, how much you're trying to make this work, like, life is hard, you know?
00:04:23.440 Like, no, no, no, no, no, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
00:04:25.800 She only got here, she only got here because she, she, she, because before we said, yeah, that, ah, women, women said they like the truth, innit?
00:04:32.800 Your husband told you the truth, saying that I may potentially want to step out on you, yeah?
00:04:38.100 And that's what started this whole debacle of, of problems of relationship.
00:04:42.040 So him being honest is kind of why you're here, isn't it?
00:04:44.920 But it's the trauma initially.
00:04:46.420 It was the, my ex-cheating, that was the issue.
00:04:48.500 But you said you had help for that trauma.
00:04:50.240 You said you had that trauma.
00:04:51.480 No, no, no, that's something I've gone in later, like, just say within the last year.
00:04:55.040 Because it seems to me like you and your husband split because of something that he might do in the future.
00:05:01.040 Yeah, and that was me looking back at myself, saying I was the fault of that.
00:05:04.720 So that was me taking accountability.
00:05:06.340 And also, are you now saying that, as a young woman, that traditional is the way to go?
00:05:12.300 A hundred percent.
00:05:13.240 Thank you.
00:05:13.660 A hundred percent.
00:05:14.480 I'm, I will, I believe in traditional roles.
00:05:16.860 I believe, I just believe that this society doesn't enable that.
00:05:19.440 And a lot of my anger as well, even in my relationship, was the fact that I had to work and I had to do things.
00:05:25.040 That a woman shouldn't necessarily do because society now is too expensive.
00:05:30.060 I don't think we can always play in society, though.
00:05:32.900 Can I just say that traditional women always work?
00:05:36.240 They did, yeah.
00:05:37.200 They always work.
00:05:38.080 No, not necessarily.
00:05:38.460 No, no, no, no, no.
00:05:40.140 You asked your mum how she worked just because she didn't leave the house.
00:05:42.560 Yeah, yeah, exactly.
00:05:43.360 So we're doing the housework and then more.
00:05:44.940 She's talking about career.
00:05:45.620 I'm talking about career.
00:05:46.420 No, but I'm saying that it all depends on how you see it.
00:05:49.620 No, a hundred percent.
00:05:50.260 And also, if you and your husband, wouldn't it be better if you both got a flat with three bedrooms and worked it out?
00:05:59.460 Two separate rooms.
00:06:00.320 Yeah, but that's the thing.
00:06:00.860 Money is the issue.
00:06:02.420 So if money wasn't an issue, of course, we could have a mansion and we could be.
00:06:05.840 No, I'm just saying, is it there to live apart than to live together?
00:06:08.520 Yeah, yes.
00:06:15.860 It's just easier for now because obviously where we're not financially.
00:06:18.360 No, not easier.
00:06:19.100 I'm talking about cheaper.
00:06:20.220 Is it cheaper to live separately or would it be cheaper to live together?
00:06:24.840 It's just not a position we're at now because we're only, I've only just healed.
00:06:28.580 Could you just answer that yes or no?
00:06:30.020 Is it cheaper to live apart or together?
00:06:31.240 It's probably, it's cheaper to live together.
00:06:32.960 It's cheaper to live together.
00:06:33.860 But obviously if I'm not, like, I've only gone through my counselling and having to learn about myself in the last year and a half.
00:06:40.080 That time I was alone, if that makes sense.
00:06:42.040 If I'd never done that, I would never have gone through counselling or learned about myself and what I, and I've learned.
00:06:47.240 And I think the thing is, I had an amazing father figure.
00:06:50.320 I had an amazing childhood with my dad and my dad not being there.
00:06:54.220 He was there, you know, him not being there for parts isn't impacted me at all.
00:06:58.960 My relationship was amazing.
00:07:00.020 There was other things that happened when I was a child that made it more difficult, if that makes sense, in me, in my longer lifelong marriage.
00:07:09.340 And I think once I then went counselling for that, I then realised, actually, there was a lot of me that had to heal before I even took that step.
00:07:17.900 Can I just give you a bit of advice?
00:07:19.740 Traditional women don't listen to their female friends.
00:07:24.220 Traditional women don't listen to social media.
00:07:27.060 Yeah. And traditional women don't get easily influenced by outside forces.
00:07:33.420 And I think that's what you're struggling with.
00:07:35.500 So you can't balance the two.
00:07:37.020 Because I know you're saying that you're modern and that you want to be traditional.
00:07:40.520 But yet you're saying that these are what your friends are telling you to do.
00:07:43.500 And this is what this person is telling you to do.
00:07:45.260 And this is what the Internet is telling you to do.
00:07:47.260 And this is where your struggle is against your traditional and your modern.
00:07:52.000 But you said that traditional is the way to go.
00:07:54.440 So it will be easier just to fade out all the modern.
00:07:57.500 But that is what you're going to do.
00:07:59.220 I feel like, OK, listening to you, I think that it's admirable that you've been for what you've been through.
00:08:05.700 And you've worked on yourself to know where it is that you went wrong.
00:08:09.420 I feel like the social media stuff, the friend stuff, for me, I'm hearing her tell me that that is the past.
00:08:14.400 That's what she did that got her in this position now.
00:08:17.080 And in my mind, or what I believe, is that moving forward, you've learned a lot from what you did wrong.
00:08:24.460 I reckon that even if it's this guy, if it's another guy, you're going to be a better partner than you were before.
00:08:29.260 Because now what you knew about relationships before was from social media, was from friends or whatever.
00:08:35.760 But now you've experienced something different.
00:08:37.640 So now you're more realistic about your expectations.
00:08:40.360 I think that is where the whole traditional thing comes from.
00:08:43.140 Because when I hear tradition, for me, because I'm Nigerian, I think culture.
00:08:47.740 That's why I understand you saying that your dad not been in the house didn't really affect you.
00:08:51.400 Because that is what, this happens.
00:08:53.200 My cousins are the same thing.
00:08:54.900 If it's what you're around, if that's what you're socializing to, if that's the norm, it's not odd to you.
00:09:01.880 I'm just going to tell you how it sounds.
00:09:03.500 It just sounds like a lot of excuses to me.
00:09:05.720 Like, it's just like, this is rye, this is why, this is why, this is why.
00:09:09.880 Because, like, when you're saying, oh, it's social media, it's the culture, it's this, it's that, it's that.
00:09:15.220 It's like, oh, that's why I did what I did.
00:09:17.960 It's like, it kind of takes away from accountability when you're just blaming all these things.
00:09:22.440 No, I'm not unaccountable.
00:09:23.480 Can I just ask you a question?
00:09:25.000 Because I know she's saying it's admirable that you've got rid of it, and that was in the past and whatever.
00:09:29.360 I came late, I apologize for coming late.
00:09:32.080 What year did you go carnival?
00:09:34.400 What is that about carnival?
00:09:35.820 That is 2018.
00:09:37.500 Like, that was...
00:09:38.080 I wasn't here.
00:09:39.040 That's what I'm asking you.
00:09:40.140 Okay, by the way, I went carnival only because I lived on Ladbrook Grove.
00:09:42.560 So I moved on to Ladbrook Grove, 2017.
00:09:45.760 Wait, let me just finish.
00:09:47.360 This carnival PR is a lot.
00:09:48.980 I thought you talked a lot.
00:09:50.220 Like, this is...
00:09:50.780 It's just like...
00:09:51.700 Instead of just saying, instead of just saying, being accountable, and you know what, I wanted
00:09:54.960 to go, it was fun.
00:09:55.980 Like, it's like, oh, I lived on this road.
00:09:58.320 It's like...
00:09:58.880 No, okay.
00:09:59.580 So again, I don't see where the issue with carnival is.
00:10:02.720 Again, maybe because...
00:10:03.480 Listen to what I'm saying.
00:10:04.340 When I came here late, I didn't know when you went carnival.
00:10:07.520 So all I've heard from you is that you've had the cancer in a year and a half, so that's
00:10:11.620 what I'm asking you.
00:10:12.240 When did you go carnival?
00:10:13.220 Because I wasn't here, so I didn't know.
00:10:14.740 Right.
00:10:15.040 And even when I went carnival, I'm a very standoffish person.
00:10:18.180 No one will chat to me because my demeanor is very like, mm.
00:10:22.460 So even me going carnival, I dance.
00:10:24.720 If I dance with my friends, it's my girlfriends I'm dancing with.
00:10:28.000 No one...
00:10:28.560 I still feel like...
00:10:29.580 If I'm going carnival, I'm going for man.
00:10:31.320 I'll tell you that right now.
00:10:33.480 I'm not going there to see the food and see the culture.
00:10:36.000 I'm going to...
00:10:36.480 No, but that's...
00:10:37.300 This whole show.
00:10:39.060 You've been careful this whole show.
00:10:41.200 So wait, so wait.
00:10:42.020 If you went to carnival this summer, can someone explain to me why that would be a bad thing?
00:10:45.920 Exactly.
00:10:46.540 This is what I...
00:10:47.120 Also, also...
00:10:48.120 I understand you go to carnival for man, but we're all not the same people.
00:10:52.780 People are different.
00:10:53.620 I would go somewhere else for someone different.
00:10:55.580 As a woman that's always done carnival, as a traditional single parent with a child under
00:11:02.480 the age of five, that's not looking no man, that wants to stay away from outside influences,
00:11:07.920 that don't want to get influenced by social media, she shouldn't be at carnival.
00:11:12.280 She should be locked up at home.
00:11:12.940 No, I'm just going by what she said that she is and by what she said.
00:11:18.360 I can only go by what she said.
00:11:20.080 That's why Pearl's talking about the contradiction.
00:11:22.400 Because as far as I'm concerned, if I was a single parent with a five-year-old child,
00:11:25.720 the only time I'm going carnival is with my child on a Sunday and we're going to be home
00:11:30.080 by like six o'clock in the evening, I would not as a single parent go carnival without
00:11:35.020 my child.
00:11:35.640 Carnival is not the place to have a break.
00:11:40.320 No.
00:11:40.660 No, but I'm struggling with it.
00:11:42.700 You can't tell someone what to do.
00:11:44.640 We're not telling her what to do.
00:11:45.960 She's contradicting.
00:11:47.160 Stop interrupting me.
00:11:48.700 It's like she's contradicting herself the whole show.
00:11:51.260 And so you say one thing and then you say another thing.
00:11:53.460 I really wasn't even probing.
00:11:55.320 Like honestly, I'll ask you a question.
00:11:59.060 You'll tell a really long story and like, which is fine.
00:12:02.020 It's a podcast.
00:12:02.700 That's fine.
00:12:03.340 But when you contradict yourself like five times in the story and people start asking
00:12:06.940 questions, like then you get defensive.
00:12:09.340 And I wasn't telling her what to do.
00:12:10.580 I said as a single parent, I would have gone carnival.
00:12:14.100 I would have gone carnival.
00:12:15.720 I would take my child to do what I've done.
00:12:17.760 That's fine.
00:12:18.240 That's what I said.
00:12:18.860 And obviously we're in different areas.
00:12:19.640 And I was a younger single parent than you were.
00:12:21.520 Yeah.
00:12:21.720 We're in different areas.
00:12:22.540 Obviously social media came when I was about 16, even probably a bit younger.
00:12:26.040 This is an excuse again.
00:12:28.740 No, no, no.
00:12:29.620 Like, like, oh, but it's the time.
00:12:31.320 Like, like this is like your immediate response with anything is like, oh, this
00:12:34.720 is the excuse.
00:12:35.580 It's like, I'm not making excuses.
00:12:37.100 I'm saying I was battling what I was battling then.
00:12:40.520 I'm still learning.
00:12:41.920 I'm still like, even now when I tell my friends, oh, do you know what?
00:12:45.280 Polygyny, I don't mind it.
00:12:46.800 A lot of my friends will be like, oh my God, what are you talking about?
00:12:49.260 Some of them will be like, actually, I get what you mean.
00:12:51.420 Because a lot of them have gone through the cheating back and forth and all of that.
00:12:54.220 And they're like, do you know what?
00:12:55.900 It's changed my mindset.
00:12:57.360 So what I'm saying is where I am now, even now, I'm still not who I want to be fully.
00:13:02.200 Because the more days pass, the more I do things, even being a mother, even just working,
00:13:06.820 even everything else, the more I'm learning how much better is being a traditional woman.
00:13:10.980 It's taken me a lot longer, only because I'm having to learn that my mom's life was happier than what I am doing.
00:13:18.200 How are you learning?
00:13:19.980 Just doing every single day.
00:13:21.840 The difficulties of being a woman in the 21st century.
00:13:24.620 As many of you know, I was just banned on TikTok.
00:13:28.240 And we are demonetized on a daily basis on this platform.
00:13:32.520 If you want to help, please consider sending a super thanks below.
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