Guru Crowder and his good friend Gerald discuss anger management and how to deal with it. Plus, a call-in from a high school student who has a brain disorder and wants to know what to do when things set her off.
00:00:41.000And, by the way, this is the time that I should warn you, of course, that if you are having any serious thoughts of self-harm, to seek professional counseling.
00:02:26.000However, this progressed into being such a problem that my brain turns to anger when these things occur.
00:02:31.000It has really affected my relationships with my parents as to the point where it is almost impossible to have a quiet sit-down meal with my family.
00:02:38.000I want to know what you would have to say about this.
00:03:49.000Speaking of anger management, when I was a Early in my marriage, I've always struggled with anger issues.
00:03:55.000And sometimes, and I've talked about this as a man, sometimes you get mad for your wife, but it seems like you're getting mad at your wife.
00:04:02.000I had a woman who was sort of a coworker who was borderline abusive, and you get mad, and then you realize there's not really much you can do because you can't go into your wife's place of work.
00:04:10.000Same thing, I'm sure, if you have kids.
00:04:11.000But one thing I will say that has really helped me in counseling.
00:04:48.000So, I think meditation is made to seem a little more complicated than it is.
00:04:52.000You know, this is sort of, in creating a barrier to entry, like we've kind of talked about sometimes with the CDC, where people feel as though they can't get the right information or everything that they say is wrong.
00:05:01.000Like, can you use Everclear to sanitize something?
00:05:03.000Well, yeah, you have to go through all the documents.
00:05:05.000They say, yeah, but it's more expensive than hand sanitizer.
00:05:07.000Well, I didn't ask you a budgetary question.
00:05:35.000And so you kind of have to create a little bit of pressure.
00:05:36.000Some, some people say go, some people say go, some people say go, but the point is you want that, you want that to go as low as it goes in because your pulse lowers when exhaling.
00:05:47.000What if you go contrary to when inhaling?
00:05:48.000So simple breathing and doing that 10 times counting.
00:05:52.000I, it has helped me a lot when I get a little overwhelmed.
00:06:40.000Dear Guru Crowder, My girlfriend and I have been going through our political views recently, which has led to some turmoil.
00:06:45.000I'm a Christian, and my political views tend to follow my religious beliefs.
00:06:48.000My girlfriend was raised a Christian, but does not believe because she was forced into Christendom by her parents.
00:06:54.000Since her falling away from the faith, she has put her political views into two main categories—women's rights, mostly abortions, and environmental concerns.
00:07:03.000She is more central on most topics, but would rather have abortions legal even after birth than illegal altogether.
00:07:10.000I am searching for guidance in this trying time, dear Guru, especially since we have talked about marriage in recent months.
00:07:18.000What should I do with someone I love but is also against most things I stand for?
00:07:22.000Well obviously Gerald you should answer this but first don't marry the axe murderer.
00:07:25.000Yes especially when she broadcasts I'm an axe murderer before the marriage.
00:07:37.000Honestly, my answer to this, for anybody who is serious about this, if you have such an opposing view on something like abortion, on environmental issues, you can say, oh, well, I think the environment, you know, they're overblowing it, but we should take care of the environment.
00:07:49.000And somebody else is like, yeah, I think the environment needs to be taken care of, too, but I think we need to be much more involved.
00:07:53.000And you can still kind of reconcile those two things pretty easily.
00:08:27.000So, I mean, when somebody says that... You're acting conciliatory, like, even... as though it's early, like, even the morning after, even... No, that's not the tone I was going for.
00:08:35.000Yeah, I was going for, like, are you serious even after birth?
00:08:39.000I don't think there's a really good way of reconciling the opinions that you have to hold for that to be okay.
00:08:46.000There's got to be some underlying things there that you guys are just not going to line up on, and it's going to be a great source of conflict.
00:08:52.000Every time we have to answer one of these questions—and I appreciate it, lifeadvice at ladderwithcreditor.com—we've answered this many times.
00:09:00.000Someone will trot out some individual story, like James Carville, and I always forget the name of his wife.
00:09:04.000We're like, oh, a Democrat and a Republican.
00:09:06.000As a general rule, it is close to impossible to have a long-term successful marriage and raise a family when you are on complete opposite ends of the political spectrum, because usually that's representative of your values, particularly as it relates to fundamental issues like life.
00:09:20.000For example, you may both be Christians or you may both be atheists.
00:09:29.000One of you may think we should increase.
00:09:30.000That's different From the fundamental worldview as to whether life is valuable or not.
00:09:36.000And in both of these instances, by the way, I don't want to get into this so much right now because this is a life advice show, but abortion and sort of the neo-environmentalist movement, they're both anti-people.
00:09:44.000And they're both inextricably tied when you look at the idea of population control.
00:10:19.000We always try to find things in common that don't really matter.
00:10:21.000What matters is how you view the world.
00:10:23.000What matters are your fundamental principles.
00:10:25.000And if they join up, particularly if you're talking about creating a family unit in the raising and rearing of children.
00:10:33.000You shouldn't even be considering marriage whatsoever.
00:10:36.000Yeah, I wouldn't think so, and not until you get some resolution to this.
00:10:39.000If she just doesn't understand what she's saying, and she's making an argument from an emotional point, like, I'm a feminist, and doesn't really understand what she's saying, that's different than, I know what I'm talking about, I've researched this, it should be legal, even after birth.
00:10:51.000That's crazy, that's just basic murder.
00:10:53.000I don't even know how she, most people walk that back!
00:10:57.000Norton walked it back, like, I didn't mean after birth, well, you did, but...
00:12:26.000No, no, what I'm saying, it's not this, everyone thinks of it as this picturesque, academy-worthy picture, just a guy throwing a tomahawk around, and then you're like, oh, okay, I guess it's Daniel Day-Lewis and some suede.
00:13:42.000I was telling him that a man and woman don't have sex until they're married, and he called me out.
00:13:48.000My wife and I have been together since the 10th grade, about 15 years, and we have two children, but we're not married until after the first child.
00:13:54.000Well, you made it easy for him at this point.
00:13:57.000I mean, if he's 10, if the kid can do basic additions and subtractions, let alone, if he knows his multiplication tables, if he's done his flashcards, you are screwed.
00:14:06.000How can I tell them what's right when I did not follow my own advice in the past?
00:14:09.000Any help, any and all help is appreciated.
00:14:14.000Well, we appreciate it, and that's why we wanted to make this available to as many people as possible for this month while they're in quarantine.
00:14:32.000But they then became Christians, and then they obviously shared these views that we hold on the idea of waiting until you're married.
00:14:37.000And I've written about this pretty extensively.
00:14:39.000So they framed it in a way when they taught me and said, listen, the right way to do it is when a man and a woman really love each other, and they decide they want to spend the rest of their lives with one another.
00:14:48.000They get married, and then they explain sex to me in no uncertain terms.
00:15:51.000Look, if you're going to talk about these issues and no one can claim the moral high ground, you can still use it to say, hey, I made mistakes and here, let me, or I made something that I now believe is wrong and I want to talk to you about it, or here's why I didn't, and you can speak from a place, because one thing that you often hear, and at least I heard it a lot in church growing up, was, oh well my parents were perfect, they never did anything wrong, like they don't even don't even know about living life. Whereas a lot of the
00:16:14.000parents, when you later would find out, they did live life. They chose the life that they
00:16:17.000live now and the moral path that they're walking on because they had gone the wrong way.
00:16:21.000That doesn't mean that everyone has to go one way so that they can realize what the moral
00:16:25.000path is. But you can use those as examples to say, I'm a real person. I'm trying to help
00:17:15.000Same thing when they had the conversations about alcohol or sex.
00:17:17.000They framed it and tried to be as transparent as possible, and then explain why the way they wanted me to do it was the right way.
00:17:25.000And not just the right way in some abstract sense, because when you're young, you can't always understand the philosophy behind it, but why it was beneficial to me in ways that I would be able to actually Understand and quantify.
00:17:35.000Yeah, and it equips your child to be able to make a choice.
00:17:38.000Instead of just saying, well, this is what my mom and dad do.
00:17:40.000Now, I understand that my dad or my mom didn't do it this way, but they also either experienced the consequences of that action or were very lucky not to.
00:17:49.000Whether it's followed or not, it doesn't change that the advice is good.
00:17:52.000It's just hard to get your kid probably to understand that if you constantly just tell them as though you were perfect throughout your whole life.
00:18:01.000There's like a hundred movies that come out a year that are like, if only I had told you the truth about the thing I had done before and the reason why I was giving you the advice is because I lived through the problem.
00:18:13.000If you've watched any of those movies, just know it's not good to just wait and not talk about it.
00:20:11.000But, you know, other people, this is just a deadline, you can't get past this, and that's not gonna happen.
00:20:17.000And I would fall on that side, where it's like, if somebody cheated on me dating, I would probably just be out because I don't know that I could ever trust that person.
00:20:23.000If you're gonna do it while we're dating, I don't know that I could trust you.
00:20:26.000If you were married, it would be entirely different advice.
00:20:35.000If it's a one-time deal, someone makes a mistake, some people can't get past it, but a lot of marriages have.
00:20:42.000That can happen, and it is important, particularly if you have children, to try and see what your options are and see how you can potentially fix a relationship that's fractured.
00:20:50.000That being said, right now you are entering into a relationship with eyes wide open, where you know that this is a possibility, and this is someone who has betrayed your trust.
00:21:11.000It's not like she went out on a girls' night, right?
00:21:13.000And she had too much to drink, and on the way home, when they were stopping at Vaughn's to get a pint of Penn & Jerry's, she slept with the bag boy.
00:21:18.000It's not something like... It's like, this is an ex.
00:22:31.000If you think, by the way, if you think that you can get past it, I still wouldn't let her know.
00:22:36.000I still wouldn't hand her an engagement ring.
00:22:39.000And I'm not saying make her jump through hoops like a dolphin at SeaWorld, but I am saying she should have to earn back your trust, even if you are looking for a reason to forgive her.
00:22:48.000Because sometimes we've done this, especially with parents with kids.
00:22:51.000You want to excuse the inexcusable behavior because you love them, and maybe you think it's cute.
00:22:55.000You were looking for a reason to forgive them.
00:22:58.000And that's great, and you can still forgive this person without being in a toxic relationship with them.
00:23:03.000But if you do find yourself wanting to be in a relationship, which I think all of us have advised against, don't tell her that right away because you're giving her carte blanche to just do this going forward.
00:23:11.000Yeah, you can't get walked over again.
00:23:15.000Two years for three months with an ex as an ongoing... No, absolutely not.
00:23:19.000The more I read this, the more mad I get.
00:23:29.000By the way, I was reading an article, I think it was at Slate or Salon, where someone sent in a request for advice saying, I caught my boyfriend playing with himself to an old video of his ex-girlfriend.
00:23:47.000And the person responded, well, my biggest concern is that that is a violation of consent, because I bet you his ex-girlfriend doesn't want to.
00:23:53.000I'm like, that's your biggest concern?
00:25:25.000I'd like to hear your advice on how to make people remember you.
00:25:28.000What would you say to a person whose classmates don't even remember your name after you've worked with them for months?
00:25:33.000I'll admit that this struggle, or whatever the hell you should call it, is probably largely due to my shitty personality, but I'm asking for your advice.
00:25:39.000Alright, listen, I don't know that that's necessarily the case.
00:26:14.000And I don't want to come down on you because obviously it sounds like you don't necessarily have a great self-image here.
00:26:19.000That being said, sometimes that's a defense mechanism.
00:26:21.000And I've used the defense mechanism of humor my entire life sometimes to try and shield myself from emotions, or at least from showcasing them to people who may not be in my close circle of friends.
00:26:30.000So I understand defense mechanisms, but saying like, oh, I suck, oh, nobody likes me, oh, I have a crappy personality, is a way for you to kind of get to that insult before somebody else does, and it can become a crutch.
00:26:43.000That's what I'm seeing written all over your letter here.
00:26:45.000Outside of that, listen, you don't know how many people remember you or don't.
00:26:49.000And that is true, there are some people who are quiet and they're less memorable than other people.
00:26:52.000But what really matters is the people who do remember you.
00:26:55.000What kind of impact do you have on their life?
00:26:59.000The amount of impact that you make, or the volume of impact, isn't what matters so much as far as how many people you reach.
00:27:04.000And I understand the irony in that being that I work in a role where we try to reach as many people as possible, but the intimacy and the quality of your relationships.
00:27:13.000Now, if you find that lacking as well, that may mean that you need to put yourself out there a little bit more.
00:27:18.000And if you put yourself out there a little bit more, what you can't do is put yourself out there a little more for people to like you, and then tell them that you don't even like yourself.
00:27:26.000Now, I'm not saying that you need to be arrogant or cocky, but you do need to put your best foot forward and believe in what it is that makes you unique and believe in what it is that makes you valuable, what you bring to the table, because other people will be able to sense that on you.
00:27:39.000And I think this is another thing too with this whole alpha culture.
00:27:41.000I speak to men in the sense, I know you're a woman, where people try to talk about how to develop or like charm channels, how to develop charm, how you interact with, how to make people like you.
00:27:51.000There are certainly ways to interact with people.
00:27:53.000Some people may have an abrasive communication style.
00:28:26.000And so I think you need to find what it is that makes you you and willingly put that
00:28:30.000out there and don't shut it down as a method of preemptively doing so before someone else
00:28:34.000can, because I'm seeing that a little bit.
00:28:36.000Well, and I think, too, it's not their fault that they don't remember you.
00:28:39.000If you are with classmates and co-workers and you find this to be a problem, it's not other people's fault.
00:28:44.000You probably aren't engaging a whole lot.
00:28:45.000You're probably withdrawing from these circles of people, and then when you go back into them, you're kind of surprised that people don't remember you.
00:28:52.000I don't think it's necessarily a bad or a good thing, but if you desire people to remember you and maybe engage a little bit more, you've got to go.
00:29:27.000So, um, is when you go and talk to someone, I see the letter the same way Stephen does, which is it was kind of a limp in and a limp out, right?
00:29:34.000You're like, Hey, I'm here, but don't worry.
00:29:53.000But the other way to be memorable is not to have anything to do about yourself
00:29:56.000but to listen to people and remember them People will remember people that remember them, which is crazy.
00:30:02.000A lot of people that I've met, I remembered a couple things about them because I actually took an interest in them, and the next time I saw them, I reminded them, and I asked them about it.
00:30:10.000And people will perk up their ears and go, oh my gosh!
00:30:38.000We were going to a gathering with a guy.
00:30:41.000Let's say friends and or family who might have been on the more left side of the spectrum, and I did not particularly want to spend a ton of time at this gathering.
00:30:49.000And so I sat down, and just like you said, I have a crappy personality.
00:31:29.000A lot of people have their own different defense mechanisms.
00:31:32.000But I couldn't even answer your question as far as what you have that makes you unique.
00:31:36.000All you've told me is how crappy your personality is.
00:31:39.000And I'm willing to bet that if you search deeply and hard enough, you will find something worth mining in a relationship for somebody else.