Louder with Crowder - March 17, 2022


WHY is John Cleese Demanding Reparations for The Whites?? | Louder with Crowder


Episode Stats

Length

1 hour and 13 minutes

Words per Minute

181.8936

Word Count

13,448

Sentence Count

1,518

Misogynist Sentences

37

Hate Speech Sentences

44


Summary

It's St. Patrick's Day, and we're celebrating the day by celebrating the Irish. We celebrate the day with a St. Paddy's Day-themed episode featuring special guest Gerald "The Fighting Irish" Crawdaddy, and special guest Keegan "Keegan" Key.


Transcript

00:00:00.000 I'm a serious macaroni and cheese maker.
00:00:02.000 I think that there's actually not a strong of consensus about the relationship between being overweight and being
00:00:08.000 unhealthy Alright, turn me into sea mattress
00:00:18.000 Thanks for watching! Please subscribe!
00:00:22.000 BLEEGH!
00:00:24.000 Ready?
00:00:25.000 Oops!
00:00:27.000 Hey young man, what's your name?
00:00:54.000 Um... Kenneth.
00:00:57.000 Kenneth?
00:00:58.000 How old are you?
00:01:00.000 I'm... I'm this many.
00:01:02.000 Oh, wow.
00:01:03.000 Would you like some candy?
00:01:05.000 Yeah.
00:01:05.000 Good boy.
00:01:08.000 DriverScout.com Music Playing...
00:01:12.000 Music Playing...
00:01:46.000 music playing...
00:01:52.000 And now he has to go to the bathroom again.
00:01:54.000 That's whiskey.
00:01:56.000 Whoops.
00:01:56.000 I'm kidding.
00:01:56.000 That's my mug.
00:01:57.000 I'm so sorry.
00:01:58.000 Patrick's Day.
00:01:58.000 It's just St.
00:01:59.000 Oh wow.
00:02:00.000 So that's all.
00:02:01.000 Happy St.
00:02:01.000 Patrick's Day everybody.
00:02:03.000 Remember today's live show Monday through Thursday at 10 a.m.
00:02:07.000 ish.
00:02:09.000 If we're thrown off here, you can catch us on Rumble, you can catch us at The Blaze, podcasts, you know, whatever.
00:02:16.000 It's YouTube.
00:02:16.000 So we'll see if we can stay on.
00:02:18.000 I think we should.
00:02:19.000 But yeah, join us at Mug Club.
00:02:21.000 What do you think, Gerald?
00:02:22.000 I love Mug Club.
00:02:23.000 Are you saying hi to me now?
00:02:25.000 I am saying good morning, Gerald.
00:02:27.000 Happy St.
00:02:27.000 Paddy's Day.
00:02:28.000 Happy St.
00:02:28.000 Paddy's Day to you too, baby!
00:02:30.000 Go Irish!
00:02:31.000 My fighting Irish won last night in the, I guess, the first games of the NCAA, whatever, basketball thing.
00:02:37.000 Okay, that's enough.
00:02:38.000 Alright, Kevin, how are you?
00:02:40.000 I'm good, how are you, sir?
00:02:42.000 I'm doing good.
00:02:43.000 And how are you doing, Keegan?
00:02:45.000 Michael Key, what's up, baby?
00:02:47.000 Tim the Toolman?
00:02:48.000 Alright, already got a healthy buzz today.
00:02:50.000 Oh, nice, that's good.
00:02:52.000 We celebrate the day.
00:02:53.000 Well, yeah, that's how we celebrate the Irish.
00:02:56.000 And me, of course.
00:02:57.000 And I'm part Irish.
00:02:59.000 I don't know where they got the alcoholism thing from.
00:03:01.000 And Crawdaddy, one of my favorite people, welcome to the show.
00:03:06.000 Thank you, David.
00:03:07.000 Thank you for coming in.
00:03:08.000 I'm wearing it.
00:03:09.000 Gerald, why did they name it?
00:03:10.000 Football program after a race of folks.
00:03:13.000 How did that happen?
00:03:14.000 How'd that get under the radar?
00:03:15.000 The Irish?
00:03:16.000 Yeah.
00:03:16.000 The fighting Irish?
00:03:17.000 Why wouldn't they?
00:03:18.000 Well, they do fight.
00:03:19.000 Well, it wasn't for that.
00:03:20.000 Everybody's like, oh, you got to change the name because you think Irishmen are, you know, drunk fighting people.
00:03:25.000 No, it was actually they fought valiantly in certain situations.
00:03:28.000 Mostly in bars, but still it was valiant fighting effort.
00:03:32.000 Just last week after they've opened up from COVID restrictions.
00:03:35.000 There's so many bars that are gonna open today and be like, I wish we'd just stay to close one more day.
00:03:40.000 I hated this.
00:03:41.000 Look at this bathroom.
00:03:43.000 It's just green vomit.
00:03:44.000 Pittsburgh steamer.
00:03:46.000 Didn't Don Imus lose his job for naming Rudkers?
00:03:50.000 Yeah, well he said that one of them, yeah it was a word that, no it wasn't.
00:03:54.000 You can't say?
00:03:55.000 Yeah, it was curly.
00:03:57.000 Wasn't the Irish?
00:04:01.000 No, there weren't a lot of Irish basketball players.
00:04:03.000 I've never seen a female Irish basketball player.
00:04:05.000 Really?
00:04:05.000 Have you ever seen a ginger gal dunk?
00:04:08.000 Well, I think you could just say gal dunk and that would be difficult.
00:04:11.000 There's a couple that can.
00:04:12.000 I've seen a girl dunk.
00:04:13.000 Yeah, it's just not often.
00:04:14.000 Yeah, dunkaroos.
00:04:16.000 The one who's in the Soviet gulag, could she dunk?
00:04:19.000 Brittany Greiner?
00:04:19.000 Oh yeah.
00:04:21.000 I don't even know who that is.
00:04:23.000 Oh, yeah.
00:04:24.000 The Russians.
00:04:25.000 No, no, no, no.
00:04:25.000 She can't dunk, I don't think.
00:04:26.000 No, she's only 6'8".
00:04:27.000 Can we find out how many?
00:04:30.000 Wow, what a big Amazon.
00:04:32.000 What a tall drink of water.
00:04:33.000 6'8"?
00:04:35.000 And on a woman that looks like 8'4".
00:04:39.000 What a terrifying height.
00:04:42.000 And the voice to go with it.
00:04:43.000 I just would like to just go on a date with her.
00:04:46.000 Not like for real, but just so people would stare and be like, what is this?
00:04:51.000 Table for two please.
00:04:52.000 Like have her just carry me to the table.
00:04:54.000 There you go.
00:04:55.000 I'll need a booster seat to make eye contact with her.
00:04:59.000 Perhaps stack them three high.
00:05:01.000 I'd like some crayons, please.
00:05:04.000 You're gonna do it right, Dave.
00:05:07.000 Well, so happy St.
00:05:07.000 Patrick's Day.
00:05:09.000 Nothing like waking up tomorrow with a headache from binge drinking and a sore throat from sitting at a bar and trying to yell a conversation over the Dropkick Murphys.
00:05:19.000 They say that St.
00:05:20.000 Patrick's Day is when you're Irish for a day, but the day after when you're hungover, filled with regret, and not speaking to your friends and family, that's when you're truly Irish for a day.
00:05:31.000 And I say that as an Irishman.
00:05:34.000 Personally, one thing I love about St.
00:05:36.000 Patrick's Day is this video we're about to show.
00:05:39.000 I feel it's the greatest video in the history of St.
00:05:43.000 Patrick's Day.
00:05:44.000 Well, just in time for St.
00:05:45.000 Patrick's Day, crowds are coming by the dozens to get an up-close view at what some say is a piece of Irish folklore.
00:05:52.000 Some people in the Crichton area of Mobile say a leprechaun is taking up residence in their neighborhood.
00:05:58.000 A leprechaun?
00:05:59.000 NBC 15's Brian Johnson has more.
00:06:02.000 Curiosity leads to large crowds in Mobile's Crichton community.
00:06:06.000 Many of you bring binoculars, camcorders, even camera phones to take pictures.
00:06:11.000 To me it look like a level coming to me.
00:06:13.000 I gotta do a little bit of tree.
00:06:15.000 I found the pot of gold!
00:06:17.000 She's done it.
00:06:19.000 He stole it all!
00:06:19.000 My theory is it's casting a shadow.
00:06:20.000 The leprechaun only comes out at night.
00:06:21.000 Ah.
00:06:22.000 If you shine a light in its direction, it suddenly disappears.
00:06:26.000 This amateur sketch resembles what many of you say the leprechaun looks like.
00:06:30.000 Others find it hard to believe and have come up with their own theories and explanations for the image.
00:06:36.000 My theory is it's casting a shadow from the other limb.
00:06:41.000 Could be a crackhead that got hold to the wrong stuff and it told him to get up in a tree and play a leprechaun.
00:06:49.000 That is insightful.
00:06:50.000 You're still on there, guy.
00:06:53.000 Don't be afraid.
00:06:55.000 Don't be afraid, man.
00:06:57.000 This guy, helping to direct traffic, says he's prepared for his encounter with the leprechaun.
00:07:02.000 He's seen it up from head to toe.
00:07:04.000 This water's all spells right here.
00:07:07.000 This is a special leprechaun flute, which has been passed down from thousands of years ago from my great-great-grandfather, who was Irish.
00:07:13.000 I just came to help out.
00:07:15.000 Others just came to get lucky in hopes a pot of gold may be buried under this tree.
00:07:20.000 I'm gonna run around the backhoe and uproot that tree.
00:07:23.000 I wanna know what a gold neck was.
00:07:25.000 I already found it.
00:07:27.000 Where?
00:07:28.000 Told you.
00:07:29.000 His mouth?
00:07:31.000 The other guy.
00:07:32.000 People will do anything for a pot of gold.
00:07:35.000 I mean, anything.
00:07:36.000 You know what I like?
00:07:36.000 I like the amateur sketch of the leprechaun.
00:07:38.000 It looks like somebody got a really good look at it and got that good drawing out there.
00:07:41.000 Who did that?
00:07:42.000 I want to know who sketched that.
00:07:43.000 I don't know.
00:07:43.000 Maybe Brian sketched it.
00:07:45.000 That was the sketch, by the way.
00:07:50.000 Right there.
00:07:50.000 Dave just recreated it live.
00:07:51.000 Somebody sat there.
00:07:52.000 He was like, yeah, it had a hat and a face of sorts.
00:07:57.000 Uh-huh.
00:07:57.000 And he disappears and shines a flashlight on it.
00:07:59.000 Yeah, because it's not there.
00:08:00.000 Yeah.
00:08:01.000 And the whole neighborhood is out.
00:08:02.000 See it?
00:08:03.000 Can't you see it?
00:08:03.000 Oh, hold on.
00:08:04.000 Oh, he went.
00:08:05.000 He left.
00:08:05.000 But that is actually, it turned out to be Leprechaun in the Hood with iced tea.
00:08:09.000 So that was actually the inspiration for that movie was that scene right there.
00:08:15.000 You know, there are parts of America that just leave me worried that I'm an American sometimes.
00:08:20.000 Yes.
00:08:21.000 Well, I think it's the best video ever.
00:08:23.000 And today is a special day.
00:08:25.000 It's 24 hours where we celebrate the worst of the Irish.
00:08:30.000 It's the Bono of holidays.
00:08:32.000 So congratulations.
00:08:37.000 Oh.
00:08:40.000 That was the clip.
00:08:41.000 I thought it was the clip.
00:08:42.000 I realized I read that wrong and we already did the clip.
00:08:46.000 And Dave, when I said there are parts of America, I meant specifically this studio.
00:08:50.000 I'm part Irish, so let me redo crappy Irish things.
00:08:53.000 It is the Snow Patrol of Holidays.
00:08:55.000 Oh, come on!
00:08:57.000 There was one good song?
00:08:58.000 You get out of here.
00:08:59.000 Chasing Cars, come on.
00:09:00.000 Oh, you put that suspenders around your neck.
00:09:02.000 If I just lay here... Chasing Cars?
00:09:03.000 I want to know what happened to the white producer of that segment for that newsreel.
00:09:07.000 Oh, he was... He's gone.
00:09:10.000 Oh, he's fired.
00:09:11.000 The woman's just embarrassed.
00:09:13.000 Yeah.
00:09:13.000 So glad you brought that up.
00:09:15.000 Yeah.
00:09:17.000 People do anything for a pot of gold.
00:09:18.000 It's like you don't even know what to say when you say something like that.
00:09:21.000 I used to live in that neighborhood before I became a news host.
00:09:23.000 Yeah, she's like, thanks for bringing me back and reminding people of where I am.
00:09:27.000 Anyway, hit subscribe to this.
00:09:29.000 Comment, comment, comment, guys.
00:09:31.000 Smash that like button if you like leprechauns.
00:09:34.000 And also here's the question of the day.
00:09:36.000 How will you celebrate your St.
00:09:38.000 Paddy's Day?
00:09:38.000 I'd like to know.
00:09:39.000 Safe and sober.
00:09:40.000 Yeah, will you be getting drunk to celebrate the Irish?
00:09:44.000 Perhaps hitting a woman?
00:09:45.000 Whatever it may be!
00:09:48.000 Putting a pair of Irish sunglasses on your old lady after a nice day of binge drinking.
00:09:54.000 I'm Irish, I can say it.
00:09:56.000 You have Irish street pass, basically?
00:09:58.000 Yeah, I got Irish blood.
00:09:59.000 I'm half Irish.
00:10:01.000 The thing is, you don't have to prove it at all.
00:10:02.000 No.
00:10:03.000 You're a white person, you can say it.
00:10:04.000 Yeah.
00:10:05.000 Well, there's no other holiday that we celebrate the worst stereotypes of people.
00:10:10.000 It's like during the Mexican parade, 13 of your family members rent an apartment.
00:10:17.000 Gerald threw on the green at the very last minute.
00:10:20.000 I did, yeah.
00:10:20.000 I'm just embarrassed for him.
00:10:21.000 He's a Notre Dame alum.
00:10:22.000 Look, I got suspenders!
00:10:23.000 He did, he's got suspenders.
00:10:24.000 But I didn't even know it was St.
00:10:25.000 Patrick's Day until last night.
00:10:27.000 Really?
00:10:27.000 No, I was looking, I was like, oh, it's tomorrow, I better mention that.
00:10:30.000 Better not drink.
00:10:31.000 I look around the studio, no one else has green.
00:10:33.000 I feel like Patty McDouchebag here with my shell.
00:10:36.000 Well, you should.
00:10:36.000 Yeah, well, I won Spinal Tap and I have a pot of gold.
00:10:40.000 It's filled with... I found it in a tree in a very rough neighborhood.
00:10:46.000 We have...
00:10:48.000 Also, check out our merch store.
00:10:49.000 We got a lot of merch stuff.
00:10:50.000 I may want to recommend the Ahoy shirt above all, but that's just me.
00:10:55.000 Whatever your taste may be.
00:10:55.000 It's not a shameless plug at all.
00:10:56.000 No, it's not shameless whatsoever.
00:10:58.000 You can go to the merch store and you can get some merch.
00:11:01.000 There you go.
00:11:02.000 Done.
00:11:02.000 You can look cool as us.
00:11:04.000 You know, with the suspenders not so much.
00:11:06.000 You don't buy the suspenders.
00:11:07.000 No.
00:11:08.000 But there's a Gerald A. shirt.
00:11:09.000 Oh, there isn't.
00:11:10.000 Oh.
00:11:11.000 People don't like him.
00:11:13.000 Alright, anyway.
00:11:16.000 Love and hate you all at the same time.
00:11:19.000 I love you too, baby.
00:11:20.000 So conflicted.
00:11:20.000 I love you, baby.
00:11:21.000 I'll apologize after killing you.
00:11:23.000 How about that?
00:11:23.000 That's fair.
00:11:24.000 Okay.
00:11:24.000 As long as it's to the corpse.
00:11:27.000 I'm sorry I did this.
00:11:28.000 But you deserved it.
00:11:30.000 Let's wash you in the tub.
00:11:31.000 Alright, so... I don't know if you guys know this, but the Oscars has three hosts this year.
00:11:38.000 Uh, it's Amy Schumer.
00:11:40.000 Oh, Lord.
00:11:41.000 Uh, Wanda Sykes.
00:11:43.000 Alec Wanda.
00:11:44.000 Uh-huh.
00:11:44.000 And, uh, Regina Hall.
00:11:45.000 So you have three women there, which I have to be honest, if it's just not Adam Lambert and Queen, I'm fine with it.
00:11:54.000 That was... Are they trying to make people not Watch more than they already don't watch?
00:11:58.000 I think they had a meeting and were like, OK, how can we not get canceled this year?
00:12:04.000 And they were like, well, let's have three hosts just in case they fall like dominoes.
00:12:08.000 And they're like, OK, well, yeah, too black.
00:12:12.000 And then also, what if they're accused of a sex thing?
00:12:15.000 Let's make them all women.
00:12:16.000 That's fine.
00:12:17.000 So this is, I think, their way.
00:12:18.000 Diversity.
00:12:19.000 We're just trying to put a host on without people getting angry.
00:12:23.000 Who is Regina Hall, you must know.
00:12:24.000 She's an actress.
00:12:26.000 She was in God Knows What.
00:12:27.000 Okay.
00:12:29.000 I don't know if that's a movie.
00:12:30.000 No, that's not a title.
00:12:32.000 No, she's in stuff.
00:12:33.000 She's a pretty lady.
00:12:34.000 No, she was in Watchmen.
00:12:36.000 Watchmen.
00:12:36.000 The show, though.
00:12:37.000 The TV show.
00:12:38.000 Oh, the awful, woke HBO show.
00:12:39.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:12:40.000 It was even worse than the movie, which I didn't think was possible.
00:12:43.000 That movie was terrible.
00:12:44.000 It was absolutely horrific.
00:12:45.000 We were at the movie theater.
00:12:46.000 Transformers level.
00:12:49.000 You know when they have sex in the spaceship?
00:12:52.000 Yeah.
00:12:53.000 In the middle of the theater it opens up and my wife just goes, well that's gotta stink.
00:12:57.000 And the whole theater just bursts out laughing.
00:13:02.000 Because it's true, it's like you just had sex after a sweaty fight in a tiny pod.
00:13:08.000 Gross.
00:13:09.000 Yeah, I like the comic book, and then, or the graphic novel, but the, ugh.
00:13:14.000 Well we have three hosts, and after a four year run with no MC, This year's Academy Awards will feature them because you have no host.
00:13:23.000 We had bands like The Queen and Adam Lambert, which is just not Queen because there's no Freddie Mercury.
00:13:29.000 For my money.
00:13:30.000 But they were able to find a guy who has similar qualities to Freddie Mercury.
00:13:39.000 What do you mean?
00:13:40.000 He likes... I hear he's... Irish?
00:13:44.000 Irish.
00:13:45.000 He's Irish.
00:13:45.000 Oh, okay.
00:13:46.000 Yeah, yeah.
00:13:46.000 Makes sense.
00:13:47.000 So I think right now what they're trying to do to be safe is they don't want to just have the same old Oscar categories.
00:13:52.000 People get very, very offended.
00:13:53.000 Yeah, yeah.
00:13:54.000 So they've decided to come out with new Oscar categories.
00:13:57.000 To evolve the categories.
00:13:59.000 You want to make it better.
00:13:59.000 So here we are with seven plus one.
00:14:01.000 Whoop.
00:14:03.000 You forgot Sivan in the chamber!
00:14:08.000 Sorry, I stepped on it.
00:14:11.000 He did.
00:14:11.000 You're fine.
00:14:13.000 I don't mind.
00:14:13.000 He's not Irish.
00:14:14.000 He knew where it was going.
00:14:16.000 I don't drink anymore.
00:14:17.000 We can't even believe Stephen entrusts us with this show anyway.
00:14:19.000 I know.
00:14:20.000 Stephen, we are very sorry.
00:14:21.000 We haven't done anything, I believe, to get thrown off yet.
00:14:24.000 Don't worry.
00:14:24.000 Give me time.
00:14:25.000 Oh, good.
00:14:25.000 We'll get there.
00:14:25.000 Apparently, I'm the person who gets us kicked off.
00:14:27.000 Well, let's talk about the new 7 plus 1 woke Oscar categories.
00:14:31.000 Gerald's going to give me number 7.
00:14:33.000 Number 7, most creative skirting of COVID regulations in a production.
00:14:40.000 Crawdaddy.
00:14:42.000 Best acting in a role that wouldn't have existed even a year and a half ago.
00:14:45.000 Ah!
00:14:46.000 I've seen some of those.
00:14:48.000 Number five, give me a Gerald.
00:14:50.000 Number five, bravest obese person.
00:14:54.000 Period.
00:14:55.000 In anything.
00:14:57.000 Anything at all.
00:14:57.000 Anything at all.
00:14:58.000 It's a person, so it's not... It cannot offend you.
00:15:00.000 Yeah, it could be any kind of person.
00:15:02.000 Yes.
00:15:03.000 Number four, we have outstanding performance by an actress that used to be an actor.
00:15:10.000 Number three, Crawdaddy.
00:15:12.000 Character that will have to be most apologized for later.
00:15:20.000 Number two, Gerald.
00:15:23.000 Least obvious film pandering to China.
00:15:26.000 Ah, that is a tough one.
00:15:27.000 That really is.
00:15:28.000 You really gotta watch a lot of those to figure out which one is best.
00:15:31.000 Who's gonna win?
00:15:32.000 You don't know.
00:15:33.000 You don't know.
00:15:34.000 Number one, best supporting ally.
00:15:38.000 And I think that's important.
00:15:42.000 And of course we have a plus one, which is best actress who landed a role and had to get an abortion due to scheduling.
00:15:49.000 Thank you.
00:15:50.000 That is to spend seven plus one.
00:15:52.000 You forgot to burn in the chamber!
00:15:59.000 That means they pick their role over life.
00:16:02.000 They did.
00:16:03.000 Priorities.
00:16:04.000 I don't know if you guys know this.
00:16:05.000 I was actually in an Oscar winning film once.
00:16:06.000 Really? Mm-hmm.
00:16:07.000 Whoa! What are you?
00:16:14.000 Yo, what are you?
00:16:16.000 Are you?
00:16:17.000 I am a genie and I've been trapped in this lamp for over 4,000 years.
00:16:22.000 Now that you've released me, I must grant you three wishes.
00:16:26.000 Anything that you desire.
00:16:29.000 Anything?
00:16:30.000 Yes, anything.
00:16:32.000 Anything at all?
00:16:33.000 Three wishes, friend.
00:16:35.000 Go ahead and tell me your first wish.
00:16:37.000 It is my command.
00:16:39.000 Okay.
00:16:41.000 Suck my d**k. What?
00:16:45.000 Oh, I'm sorry, that was an Oscar winner.
00:16:46.000 Wow.
00:16:47.000 I thought it won an Oscar.
00:16:48.000 Does it get better?
00:16:49.000 Yeah, I actually wish for two more.
00:16:52.000 That didn't happen.
00:16:55.000 That's the whole thing.
00:16:56.000 And cancelled.
00:16:59.000 It's just, I sexually assaulted Jeannie.
00:17:02.000 I see a Stephen-shaped hole through his wall right now, running to the car.
00:17:07.000 It really is.
00:17:08.000 That Jeannie really painted himself into a corner, didn't he?
00:17:11.000 He did.
00:17:11.000 Yeah, we did that in 2012 for Sam Tripoli's Naughty Show.
00:17:14.000 And I figured, bring it up.
00:17:16.000 I had an acting reel, but I didn't know if it would be appropriate.
00:17:19.000 So we didn't use that.
00:17:22.000 But this sort of thing brings us now to this week in Biden.
00:17:26.000 If you have a problem figuring out whether you're for me or Trump, then you ain't black.
00:17:31.000 So we established a new civil rights, a new civil rights cause of action for those whose intimate images were shared on the public screen.
00:17:41.000 How many times have you heard, I'll bet everybody knows somebody somewhere along the line, that in an intimate relationship what happened was the guy takes a revealing picture of his naked friend or whatever in a compromising position.
00:17:56.000 And then, literally in a sense, blackmails or mortifies that person.
00:18:01.000 Send it out, put it online.
00:18:03.000 If you have a problem figuring out whether you're for me or Trump, then you ain't black.
00:18:07.000 Boy oh boy. Your son hired a photographer. It's not really anybody else's fault.
00:18:12.000 He sent out a press release saying please post this everywhere.
00:18:16.000 Right.
00:18:17.000 I don't know.
00:18:18.000 He's like, look, I'm going to be naked wearing an apron looking out of my Malibu window.
00:18:22.000 Would one of you escorts like to take a photo of me?
00:18:25.000 What do you find upstanding, ladies?
00:18:26.000 I'm reading a Laptop from Hell.
00:18:29.000 It's a book about a hundred by... There's a lot in there.
00:18:32.000 Is it a real book?
00:18:33.000 It's a real book.
00:18:33.000 Laptop from Hell?
00:18:34.000 Laptop from Hell.
00:18:35.000 Is that a thing?
00:18:36.000 Yeah, and it's even got a picture of him on the cover with the cigarette all crackled out.
00:18:41.000 Was this a... Smoking the John.
00:18:43.000 There is a movie coming out on this called My Son Hunter.
00:18:47.000 Is there really?
00:18:48.000 Anne McElhaney and her husband, Flynn McAleer.
00:18:51.000 Is it woke or is it... People that did Frack Nation and... Oh!
00:18:54.000 Yeah, they're good filmmakers.
00:18:55.000 So they're gonna go after him.
00:18:57.000 Oh, it's a documentary.
00:18:57.000 They did the Gosnell movie.
00:18:59.000 You remember that?
00:19:00.000 Yeah, yeah.
00:19:01.000 So it's not just kind of a remake of Scarface?
00:19:03.000 No.
00:19:04.000 Pretty much, though.
00:19:06.000 Very similar scenes.
00:19:07.000 They've got the dope on this for sure.
00:19:10.000 Yeah, I don't, I mean, I understand an addict.
00:19:12.000 I gotta be honest.
00:19:13.000 Right.
00:19:15.000 I sympathize with it.
00:19:16.000 But typically you just don't find them on the board of Burisma, making tons of money for the big guy.
00:19:22.000 Well, and especially when like, what was it, three years ago, they had to fix his cracked teeth and they're like, look, you're sober now.
00:19:27.000 And he's like, all right.
00:19:28.000 Put him in front of a camera.
00:19:29.000 He's like, yeah, I'm sober.
00:19:31.000 I guess teeth is all I needed.
00:19:33.000 Yeah, no, it's been good.
00:19:35.000 I got my life together at 53, whatever.
00:19:38.000 All right, so anyway, let's talk about this woke culture.
00:19:41.000 John Cleese, I don't know if you know John Cleese, he's from Monty Python, the original, some of you may not know him, and also the show Fawlty Towers, which I think is one of the most brilliant sitcoms ever.
00:19:53.000 He was at the South by Southwest festival and said that he thinks that Brits should get reparations.
00:20:00.000 Really?
00:20:01.000 Yes, he was on a panel.
00:20:03.000 I love it.
00:20:03.000 And after, was it Dulce Sloane?
00:20:08.000 Is that it?
00:20:08.000 Dulce?
00:20:09.000 Dulce Sloane?
00:20:10.000 Dulce.
00:20:11.000 Who knows?
00:20:11.000 It's Irish day.
00:20:12.000 Dulce!
00:20:13.000 After Dulce Sloane from the Daily Show made a joke about colonization, police called for reparations from Greeks and French.
00:20:24.000 My people were slaves too, you know.
00:20:29.000 Comedian, right?
00:20:30.000 Yeah.
00:20:31.000 Yeah, he's hilarious.
00:20:32.000 Get competitive about this business of being oppressed.
00:20:35.000 We were oppressed by Romans for 400 years and then Normans came over in 1066.
00:20:42.000 They were horrible people from France.
00:20:44.000 We need reparations there too.
00:20:46.000 I'm afraid.
00:20:48.000 At one point, Sloan confiscated the mic temporarily from Cleese, I guess giving it back.
00:20:55.000 Jim Gaffigan was there and said what Cleese did was brave and saying that, well, the thing is, I'm going to be dead.
00:21:02.000 And when Cleese was asked why he did this, he said, well, the thing is, I'm going to be dead soon.
00:21:07.000 This is why I'm in favor of global warming.
00:21:10.000 I don't want to be cold ever again.
00:21:15.000 I love him.
00:21:20.000 In response to the Hollywood Reporter article, Cleese tweeted, Next time the editor of The Hollywood Reporter sends someone to review a comedy festival, he would do well to send a reporter with a sense of humor.
00:21:33.000 Otherwise, it's like sending someone deaf to review a concert.
00:21:36.000 That's called a triple down.
00:21:43.000 I love John Cleese.
00:21:44.000 He's right though.
00:21:46.000 The idea that we're not supposed to make jokes at South by Southwest, which embraces film
00:21:52.000 art, stand up comedy, and somebody from the Daily Show would like you have no right to
00:21:57.000 wrestle a microphone from John Cleese.
00:22:00.000 Like, just in a comedy hierarchy, you have no right.
00:22:00.000 No.
00:22:04.000 Was there ever a Monty Python bit that wasn't self-deprecating?
00:22:07.000 It wasn't just slamming the Brits and their stiff upper lip.
00:22:10.000 It's always embarrassment.
00:22:11.000 Oh, they just completely trashed themselves.
00:22:15.000 And even the silly stuff is some of my favorite, like Monty Python and the Holy Grail, where they use coconuts instead of horses.
00:22:21.000 It was because they couldn't afford horses.
00:22:24.000 Budgetary.
00:22:24.000 It worked.
00:22:26.000 It did, but there's a lot of celebrities.
00:22:30.000 Sorry, I've been drinking at St.
00:22:31.000 Patrick's.
00:22:31.000 No, you haven't.
00:22:33.000 But there have been a lot of celebrities that have spoken out.
00:22:33.000 No.
00:22:36.000 What I actually did was I took Allegra, and it's drying my mouth.
00:22:40.000 Have you taken it?
00:22:40.000 Is it?
00:22:41.000 Yeah, I had a bit of allergies this morning, and it just feels like... I spiked your drink.
00:22:45.000 Did you?
00:22:46.000 With cotton balls?
00:22:46.000 Was not a bad time to tell you.
00:22:47.000 I had some cotton balls in my mouth this morning.
00:22:51.000 Mission accomplished.
00:22:52.000 I blew a Muppet.
00:22:53.000 One of these times I'm gonna... So we have... Celebrities who have spoken out, though, about woe culture include Ricky Gervais.
00:23:03.000 We were going to do an In Memoriam this year, but when I saw the list of people that had died, it wasn't diverse enough.
00:23:10.000 It just, no.
00:23:12.000 It was mostly white people, and I thought, nah, not on my watch.
00:23:17.000 This show should just be me coming out going, well done Netflix, you win, everything, goodnight, but no, no, we gotta drag it out for three hours.
00:23:25.000 You could binge watch the entire first season of Afterlife instead of watching this show.
00:23:30.000 That, that's a show about a man who wants to kill himself because his wife dies of cancer, and it's still more fun than this, okay?
00:23:39.000 Spoiler alert!
00:23:40.000 Season 2 is on the way, so in the end, he obviously didn't kill himself.
00:23:45.000 Just like Jeffrey Epstein.
00:23:47.000 Shut up!
00:23:48.000 I know he's your friend, but I don't care.
00:23:53.000 Apple roared into the TV game with a morning show.
00:23:56.000 A superb drama, yeah.
00:24:01.000 A superb drama about the importance of dignity and doing the right thing, made by a company that runs sweatshops in China.
00:24:09.000 So, well, you say you won't, but the companies you work for, I mean, unbelievable.
00:24:13.000 Apple, Amazon, Disney.
00:24:15.000 If ISIS started a streaming service, you'd call your agent, wouldn't you?
00:24:19.000 So, if you do win an award tonight, Don't use it as a platform to make a political speech, right?
00:24:25.000 You're in no position to lecture the public about anything.
00:24:29.000 You know nothing about the real world.
00:24:30.000 Most of you spent less time in school than Greta Thunberg.
00:24:34.000 So, if you win, right, come up, accept your little award, thank your agent and your God, and f*** off.
00:24:41.000 Okay?
00:24:44.000 I have to say, greatest speech in human history.
00:24:47.000 I don't think anybody's ever topped it.
00:24:47.000 Oh, absolutely.
00:24:50.000 No, but it's very revealing, too, though, when you see a Tom Hanks kind of afraid to smile, and then Amy Poehler, who's just wedded to NBC, right?
00:24:58.000 And, oh, harumph, harumph, come on!
00:25:00.000 What's going on?
00:25:01.000 What happened to comedy, guys?
00:25:02.000 Well, you hear the laughter, and that's a lot of the writers, the comedy writers, the people in the back.
00:25:07.000 Yeah, it's not the stars.
00:25:08.000 They're like... Every star's like, well, yeah.
00:25:10.000 I can't react.
00:25:11.000 Can you imagine being at some cook's table?
00:25:14.000 Oh, yeah.
00:25:14.000 When he said that about Apple, and he just was like, just look down, look at the menu or something, like fiddle.
00:25:19.000 Yeah, it's... And all the wimps... What to order?
00:25:22.000 I don't know.
00:25:23.000 Hey, Tim, what are you going to eat?
00:25:27.000 Uh, crow?
00:25:29.000 But all the wimps at Scorsese's table, hey, tough guys, over at Scorsese's table, they're all, we can't laugh at that.
00:25:34.000 Come on, guys.
00:25:35.000 You're just compliant.
00:25:36.000 You're just a bunch of twerps.
00:25:37.000 Well, and you're also degenerates.
00:25:39.000 He's calling you out on it, so, you know, it's also true.
00:25:39.000 We do mob movies.
00:25:42.000 Yeah, that's weird, too.
00:25:44.000 We're mob tough guys and we can't laugh at it.
00:25:46.000 We do mob movies or we do children's movies.
00:25:50.000 That's ridiculous.
00:25:52.000 No, you're right.
00:25:53.000 I think it's hilarious, though, that they think that they're just you see how when they get called out how true it is by their body language, like you said, when Tom and I like Tom Hanks.
00:26:02.000 It's just like, yeah, Amy Poehler can be funny, but she's like, oh, NBC signs the check.
00:26:02.000 Sure.
00:26:08.000 She's like, that's true.
00:26:09.000 I am owned by General Electric.
00:26:11.000 Did we fly on Epstein's plane to this award show or was that last year?
00:26:15.000 Oh, you know there's several people that have been on it.
00:26:17.000 They're like, well, he wasn't my friend.
00:26:19.000 I mean, he had a nice ride.
00:26:22.000 I wouldn't say friend.
00:26:23.000 I'd say secret keeper.
00:26:24.000 I just wanted to be on a beach somewhere.
00:26:27.000 He said, I got an island.
00:26:28.000 I said, perfect.
00:26:29.000 And he said, filled with kids.
00:26:29.000 Perfect.
00:26:31.000 I thought he meant I could bring the family, but I didn't.
00:26:35.000 That's a lawsuit waiting to happen.
00:26:36.000 I took a chance!
00:26:37.000 That's on me.
00:26:38.000 Yeah.
00:26:39.000 So also, another actor, he was actually kicked out, Kevin Hart, was actually kicked off
00:26:45.000 of the Oscars because he tweeted out if his son was gay he would break a dollhouse over
00:26:50.000 his head and stuff like that.
00:26:52.000 And they decided to, you know, cancel him from that.
00:26:55.000 But he wasn't permanently canceled, because they had to make Jumanji.
00:26:58.000 And they were like, we need a black guy.
00:27:00.000 And they're like, well, how about The Rock?
00:27:02.000 And they were like, well, he's already in it.
00:27:04.000 So he got his career back.
00:27:06.000 He's tonguing.
00:27:07.000 But Dave, he got his career back, but he had to do Jumanji.
00:27:11.000 And Jumanji 2, Welcome to the Jungle.
00:27:14.000 I've met Kevin.
00:27:15.000 He's a nice dude.
00:27:17.000 But I wasn't like, hey, I love your movies.
00:27:21.000 Here's Kevin Hart.
00:27:23.000 And when the times of, we can cancel you, by the way, which is the stupidest shit that I've ever witnessed in my 40 years of life.
00:27:32.000 The whole idea of, I can kill you today with the click of a button, I can end your life.
00:27:39.000 By the way, this is a real feeling that people have.
00:27:40.000 Yes.
00:27:41.000 I'm in control of your life.
00:27:42.000 If I want your life to stop and be over, I'll cancel you.
00:27:45.000 Yeah.
00:27:46.000 And that means you can't live no more.
00:27:47.000 This is how ridiculous it is.
00:27:50.000 It is true.
00:27:51.000 For people who say the cancel culture doesn't exist, they aren't looking in the right places.
00:27:55.000 Yeah.
00:27:56.000 Because there is a certain power given to people on the internet who believe that they can take away everything that you have.
00:28:02.000 And the idea of wanting to destroy someone completely is disgusting.
00:28:06.000 And the amount of people that want to do it is frightening.
00:28:09.000 Well, and everybody starts acting out of fear, right?
00:28:11.000 When he said it's like sending a deaf person to cover a concert, I remember when one of the Marvel movies came out and it had this great soundtrack to it, and I'm losing it, Guardians of the Galaxy.
00:28:21.000 Oh yeah, that was a great soundtrack, for sure.
00:28:22.000 Guardians of the Galaxy 2, I think, is the one that it was specifically referencing, and I can't remember the actor that did this.
00:28:27.000 I think it was Chris Pine and he said, like, crank it up or something like that in a tweet and basically had to go out and issue an apology to the deaf community and ended up signing it.
00:28:36.000 If you remember that, like, he actually ended up signing, like, just using sign language to apologize.
00:28:41.000 I'm like, why are you apologizing?
00:28:42.000 It's great music that you can hear.
00:28:44.000 It's not like, hey, deaf people, I know you can't hear this.
00:28:47.000 Ha ha.
00:28:47.000 That's not what he was saying.
00:28:48.000 Right.
00:28:49.000 But he was so scared of getting canceled because of that that he had to do that.
00:28:52.000 It's insane.
00:28:53.000 You have to say it's ridiculous.
00:28:54.000 It's not ridiculous.
00:28:55.000 That's not the word.
00:28:55.000 It's anti-freedom.
00:28:57.000 Oh, for sure.
00:28:57.000 It's pro-establishment.
00:28:59.000 Yeah.
00:28:59.000 These people are the man.
00:29:01.000 Absolutely.
00:29:02.000 Amazing.
00:29:03.000 And we all know Stevie Wonder, famous deaf piano player.
00:29:07.000 Wait, what?
00:29:08.000 Oh, right.
00:29:10.000 Oh, no, he couldn't see.
00:29:11.000 That was Ray Charles.
00:29:13.000 Stevie Wonder?
00:29:14.000 Ray Charles was the deaf one.
00:29:15.000 That's right.
00:29:16.000 And then there was Mac Tonight for McDonald's, but he just lost his vision from diabetes.
00:29:20.000 Diabetes.
00:29:21.000 Do you remember Mac Tonight?
00:29:23.000 Mac tonight?
00:29:24.000 Yeah!
00:29:24.000 No I don't.
00:29:25.000 He was Stevie Wonder, or, well he wasn't Stevie, you said like Ray Charles.
00:29:28.000 It was a half moon, and he wore sunglasses, and he sang for McDonald's.
00:29:33.000 I think I do remember that.
00:29:33.000 Yeah, and you're like, why is he blind?
00:29:35.000 And it's like, he eats McDonald's every day, that's why he's blind.
00:29:37.000 What do you mean, why?
00:29:38.000 Yeah.
00:29:39.000 Self-explanatory.
00:29:40.000 I don't know.
00:29:41.000 There's a lot of celebrities though that are against woe culture, and I think, you know, might be a little bit, uh, what's the term?
00:29:48.000 Charts with a B. Fired?
00:29:49.000 Yeah, I don't know.
00:29:50.000 No, no, not really.
00:29:51.000 Robert Downey Jr.
00:29:51.000 is somebody who's kind of- Based!
00:29:54.000 Based!
00:29:55.000 Thank you.
00:29:55.000 There you go.
00:29:56.000 But you have Robert Downey Jr.
00:29:57.000 He's kind of said that he's not an extreme liberal.
00:30:00.000 Right.
00:30:00.000 And I can understand that.
00:30:03.000 You have Seth MacFarlane, who I know is a liberal, but the jokes that he gets away with on a cartoon series shows that he values comedy more than ideology.
00:30:13.000 Which is, I think he's the guy who helped change Bill Maher a little bit.
00:30:18.000 Really?
00:30:19.000 Yeah, because he would come on the show a lot, and I think it's important to be a comic or to be funny before it is to be safe.
00:30:28.000 Because safety in comedy sucks.
00:30:31.000 Produces what we see in late night and Saturday Night Live.
00:30:34.000 Honestly, half of SNL looks like they just got notes from the CIA.
00:30:37.000 And they're like, okay, so what do you want today?
00:30:42.000 Okay, yeah, that'll be a good sketch.
00:30:43.000 We'll have no laughs there.
00:30:45.000 Wonderful.
00:30:46.000 Keegan can come in.
00:30:49.000 Robert Downey Jr.
00:30:50.000 came to it through experience.
00:30:51.000 He talks about it through his experience.
00:30:52.000 You can't come through what I've been through and not be more conservative.
00:30:55.000 Seth MacFarlane's all about the funny, right?
00:30:58.000 He's just all about comedy, and some people don't like him, but if you watch one episode of Family Guy, even now, it's offensive as hell, and that's what's funny about it.
00:31:08.000 And Trey Parker and Matt Stone have never been anything but really counterculture, but extremely popular.
00:31:14.000 Denzel Washington is another one, actually.
00:31:16.000 Do you think we've made any headway?
00:31:18.000 I think it's more important to make headway in our own house.
00:31:23.000 By the time the system comes into play, the damage is done.
00:31:25.000 They're not locking up seven-year-olds.
00:31:28.000 Yeah, yeah.
00:31:29.000 You know, I was in Chicago a couple of three, four weeks ago, and we saw these little kids on bikes with masks on the side of their head, like five or six of them.
00:31:40.000 And the driver said, yeah, they're Lil Yummys.
00:31:42.000 I said, who?
00:31:42.000 He said, Lil Yummys.
00:31:44.000 Look up, Google Lil Yummy.
00:31:46.000 Lil Yummy was an 11-year-old murderer.
00:31:49.000 Wow.
00:31:49.000 And you look at his picture, you'll see the headshot of him, and he's like this.
00:31:53.000 And he got murdered at 11 by a 14-year-old.
00:31:56.000 Wow.
00:31:57.000 Who's doing life now, and a 16-year-old.
00:32:00.000 That makes no sense.
00:32:01.000 You blame the system?
00:32:03.000 Where was his father?
00:32:04.000 Uh-oh.
00:32:06.000 I mean, it's a good point, and here's actually a picture of Little Yummy.
00:32:11.000 That's an 11-year-old?
00:32:12.000 Yeah.
00:32:14.000 It's a tough 11 years.
00:32:15.000 So they're not locking up 7-year-olds, they're locking up 11-year-olds in Chicago.
00:32:18.000 Yeah.
00:32:18.000 Well, he's dead.
00:32:20.000 They locked up the 14-year-olds.
00:32:23.000 But he's right!
00:32:23.000 87% of kids in Detroit don't have dads.
00:32:26.000 I know, it's very sad.
00:32:27.000 And I mean, it comes down to, unfortunately, a lot of democratic laws and stuff that they put forward to build kind of a welfare system.
00:32:36.000 Well, and the inability to say something that's true and not be afraid, right?
00:32:41.000 Because, look, I don't care what the race is that we're talking about, the person.
00:32:47.000 I could care less.
00:32:49.000 I could see a stat sheet and just look at it and go, hey, anytime there's not a father in the home, it's a problem, so let's address that issue.
00:32:56.000 Let's address that issue to the best of our ability, and if it affects one community more than another, so be it.
00:33:00.000 That's fine.
00:33:01.000 I'm not making a statement on the community.
00:33:03.000 I'm not trying to say, see, we're better than you.
00:33:05.000 I'm just saying... It applies to anybody that has a lack in the home.
00:33:09.000 But it takes a Denzel Washington saying that.
00:33:12.000 He can say it.
00:33:13.000 Dave, you can say it, because you're Irish.
00:33:15.000 Yeah, I'm Irish.
00:33:16.000 Well, and it's St.
00:33:17.000 Patrick's Day.
00:33:17.000 My dad's dad left the day he was born.
00:33:20.000 Happy St.
00:33:20.000 Patrick's Day, Irish.
00:33:24.000 We were the original scumbag fathers.
00:33:28.000 We were here before you!
00:33:29.000 I've never met my grandpa.
00:33:32.000 I didn't.
00:33:32.000 Oh, I'm sorry.
00:33:33.000 Well, I met the guy who raised him.
00:33:34.000 That's who was my grandpa.
00:33:36.000 I never met Tim O'Leave for cigarettes.
00:33:41.000 But honey, I'm giving birth.
00:33:43.000 I know I really need a smoke.
00:33:44.000 Yeah, I got to go though.
00:33:46.000 Yeah, yeah.
00:33:46.000 I'm gonna go get somebody else pregnant.
00:33:49.000 Going for some potatoes.
00:33:50.000 Whack the boy with the shillelagh.
00:33:52.000 Yes, I'm gonna go get myself some french fries and impregnate another whore.
00:33:56.000 I feel like my job is done here.
00:33:59.000 I've been a father for eight minutes, that's all you need.
00:34:01.000 Okay, bye-bye.
00:34:02.000 Yeah, I think in any community that's part of it, and the problem is maybe there is a systemic problem because of what Democrats have put in place, especially in Detroit.
00:34:14.000 I totally understand there's a systemic thing to blame, but you have to fight the right system.
00:34:20.000 You can't just fight this whole narrative that CNN and all these other shows are telling
00:34:24.000 you that that's what you should believe, is it's this entire group of people that hate
00:34:28.000 you.
00:34:29.000 It's not the reality.
00:34:30.000 No, and I think something that I was talking to a friend yesterday at lunch, I said, some
00:34:34.000 people don't know where we come from when we go after a Tess Holliday or when we go
00:34:39.000 after somebody on the left for doing something that we vehemently disagree with.
00:34:43.000 We're not going after somebody who's overweight, right?
00:34:45.000 We're not going after somebody who's having a problem with gender identity or something like that.
00:34:49.000 We're going after people who say that those things are healthy and good and that kids underage should be given things that will alter their life forever.
00:34:58.000 Right?
00:34:58.000 We're going after people who say sexualization in the classroom for a five and six year old is totally appropriate.
00:35:04.000 That's what we're going after.
00:35:05.000 We're going after people trying to make this the norm.
00:35:07.000 And it takes some intellect to get the humor.
00:35:08.000 Yeah.
00:35:09.000 The left has to suspend that, really, to, you know, take us on for it.
00:35:13.000 Right.
00:35:13.000 They're ignoring the fact that we're using humor to To highlight those points.
00:35:16.000 Well, sometimes that's the only way you can get it across.
00:35:19.000 If you don't point out what's funny about it, it's kind of hard for people to grasp it as being ridiculous.
00:35:23.000 But this idea of marrying women to the state for a check and a man better not be in the household, that's how this got started.
00:35:31.000 Absolutely.
00:35:33.000 And it was not good to have a guy around.
00:35:36.000 Well, no, and that's what sucks, is you dangle money in front of somebody who's poor.
00:35:40.000 I mean, a lot of people don't know what it feels like to be poor.
00:35:43.000 Buy votes from a group of people.
00:35:44.000 Yeah, and it's sad.
00:35:45.000 And I mean, you look at somebody like Denzel, who excelled in his field, worked very hard, and is arguably the best living actor, I'd probably say, you know, at least in the top five.
00:35:55.000 Yeah, he's definitely up there.
00:35:56.000 Yeah, I mean, if he's in a movie, I'm gonna watch it.
00:35:59.000 Yeah.
00:35:59.000 So, you know, I think it's good that he makes that point, and that's not a racist point.
00:36:03.000 That's a point I think he's making out of love and experience.
00:36:07.000 Just my opinion.
00:36:08.000 Yeah.
00:36:09.000 It's a solid opinion, Dave.
00:36:10.000 Thank you.
00:36:11.000 It's very solid, yes.
00:36:12.000 Thank you.
00:36:12.000 I like to be rock hard.
00:36:14.000 Great.
00:36:16.000 Gigantic opinion, Dave.
00:36:17.000 Giant, throbbing opinion.
00:36:18.000 Here's what I... what?
00:36:20.000 Interview with the Griot?
00:36:22.000 What?
00:36:24.000 He gave an interview with The Griot, which I have no idea what that is.
00:36:27.000 I don't either.
00:36:27.000 It's a publication of sorts.
00:36:29.000 That was the one.
00:36:30.000 Right.
00:36:30.000 Do you want me to read the quote there?
00:36:32.000 You go ahead.
00:36:33.000 Yeah, I'll read the quote.
00:36:34.000 It starts in the home.
00:36:35.000 If the father is not in the home, the boy will find a father in the streets.
00:36:39.000 I saw it in my generation and every generation before me and every one since.
00:36:43.000 If the streets raise you, then the judge becomes your mother and prison becomes your home.
00:36:49.000 That is proof.
00:36:50.000 I'll say though, as somebody who, like, I didn't lose my dad until I was 18, but he was out of the house a lot for surgeries and stuff starting at 14.
00:36:58.000 Right.
00:36:59.000 So my mom wasn't there.
00:37:00.000 And I did turn to the streets.
00:37:02.000 Yeah, I turned to the streets and I became a drug addict and I was in a lot of violent situations.
00:37:08.000 And it was it's dangerous to be in that and it's like I had a very good upbringing and a very loving home and sometimes there's just stuff that you can't help and it's like I I have sympathy for a lot of people but it's like you have to you have to fight it you have to keep pushing yeah absolutely so um but more on that later so if a bad seed like you yeah make it then Look, if a scumbag like me can pull himself up by the bootstraps, I've done stuff that ain't right.
00:37:39.000 It haunts me every day.
00:37:41.000 Have you apologized?
00:37:42.000 Have you sought forgiveness?
00:37:43.000 We call it make amends.
00:37:44.000 Make amends.
00:37:45.000 And I have made amends with a lot of people, although I did see one girl, I didn't like, it wasn't like, I was drinking and driving and I hit her car and drove away.
00:37:56.000 Anyway, so I saw her years... speaking of drunk driving...
00:37:59.000 Did she heal?
00:38:00.000 I mean...
00:38:01.000 She wasn't in it.
00:38:02.000 It was that story where there was a bow on it for her Christmas birthday or whatever.
00:38:08.000 But I did see...
00:38:09.000 Hit a car wrapped in a bow.
00:38:10.000 Yes.
00:38:11.000 It's a horrible place.
00:38:12.000 There's a lot of people.
00:38:16.000 There's so many people I have to apologize for, I just don't have the time to find them.
00:38:21.000 But I've done most of it.
00:38:22.000 Can you do a mass apology?
00:38:24.000 Like, hey, I probably did something.
00:38:26.000 If you knew me when I was drinking, And you're not one specific cop.
00:38:33.000 I'm very sorry.
00:38:36.000 If you are that cop, I am not sorry.
00:38:38.000 I'm not sorry.
00:38:38.000 At all.
00:38:39.000 He was a prick who the other cops hated.
00:38:41.000 Yeah.
00:38:41.000 Hated him.
00:38:42.000 We all feel we know this cop.
00:38:43.000 Yeah.
00:38:43.000 Through you, you know?
00:38:44.000 Oh, he's the worst.
00:38:46.000 I just want to say his name and be like, I know, because you get sued.
00:38:50.000 Well, is he still in the force?
00:38:52.000 I don't know.
00:38:53.000 I hope not.
00:38:54.000 I could do some research.
00:38:55.000 I hope it was a... I hope he was uh... I don't want to say.
00:38:59.000 Don't do it. Dismissed. Dismissed as of.
00:39:01.000 I hope he was fired.
00:39:03.000 Fired for being bad at his job.
00:39:06.000 There was one cop, though, that was kind of a jerk, and he beat his wife and pulled a gun on her, and I was like, ha, the guy arrested me.
00:39:14.000 How you like them apples?
00:39:15.000 Oh, he got arrested?
00:39:16.000 Yeah.
00:39:17.000 Then he was your cellmate.
00:39:18.000 Yep.
00:39:19.000 Yeah, well... And he made... The beatings continued.
00:39:21.000 He found a new wife.
00:39:22.000 He loved me.
00:39:23.000 So it's... Yeah, he, uh... Honey, I'm home!
00:39:26.000 Yeah, but other than that guy... He threw me down a staircase and hit me with nightsticks.
00:39:32.000 Did you deserve it?
00:39:34.000 No, I was hiding in a closet.
00:39:35.000 Stop resisting arresting.
00:39:36.000 And I have been for years.
00:39:37.000 Did you deserve it?
00:39:39.000 No, I was hiding in the closet because I didn't want to get arrested again.
00:39:42.000 And my friends, this is a good St.
00:39:45.000 Paddy's Day drinking story.
00:39:46.000 It may have even been St.
00:39:47.000 Paddy's Day to be honest with you.
00:39:49.000 I was hiding in a closet underneath a pile of clothes at my brother's girlfriend's house.
00:39:53.000 And the police came in the room, but there was another girl hiding, it was like this nerdy hot girl, and she's like, and all I hear is like, she's like, is anybody here?
00:40:02.000 I'm like, I am.
00:40:03.000 She's like, who is it?
00:40:04.000 I'm like, a pile of laundry.
00:40:05.000 Shut up.
00:40:06.000 Nobody needs to know we're in here.
00:40:08.000 So the cops come in and they drag her out from under the bed like the movie Taken.
00:40:14.000 And then they don't say, now they're gone, it's been like 15 minutes, and somebody walks in and I go, who's there?
00:40:21.000 And it's the same cop who goes, I am.
00:40:24.000 And then the cops pulled the laundry off me like I was E.T.
00:40:28.000 and walked me to the edge of the stairs and shoved me down a staircase.
00:40:34.000 Oh, well.
00:40:35.000 While a sea of white people chanted, and some black people were there too, obviously, but it's Detroit, but it was mostly white people.
00:40:43.000 Chanting, Rodney King, Rodney King, Rodney King.
00:40:46.000 And they're all like, you saw that he fell.
00:40:48.000 And they're like, no, no.
00:40:51.000 Everybody's like, nah, you shoved him.
00:40:53.000 We all watched it.
00:40:53.000 No smartphones, so no cameras.
00:40:54.000 No, no cameras.
00:40:55.000 No body cam on the cops.
00:40:56.000 Threw me down the stairs.
00:40:58.000 I got arrested.
00:40:58.000 In the car, I was able to get the girl's phone number, by the way.
00:41:01.000 Did you really?
00:41:03.000 Yeah, I was like.
00:41:04.000 You're like, you know, I like the cut of your jib.
00:41:06.000 You were arrested.
00:41:07.000 You got thrown downstairs.
00:41:08.000 You're my guy.
00:41:09.000 I always had a pen, and it was not to write.
00:41:11.000 It was to clean out bowls.
00:41:13.000 So I pulled that out and she was cuffed in the front I was cuffed in the back and she wrote her number on the back of my hand so then when I explained what happened to my my mom she's like well we'll just call everybody and turns out nobody was at the party it was just me I was just you yeah just me and she did get off actually because she's rich and I was charged with minor in possession and attending an underage drinking party Huh?
00:41:39.000 Did you get a date at all?
00:41:40.000 No, I called, and the dad goes, who is this?
00:41:42.000 And I said my name.
00:41:43.000 And he goes, the one that was arrested with my daughter?
00:41:46.000 And I go, yeah.
00:41:47.000 And he goes, don't ever call here again.
00:41:49.000 And he hung up.
00:41:49.000 And I was like, ah, swing and a miss.
00:41:52.000 So hiding in dirty laundry is not considered evading arrest?
00:41:57.000 Uh, they didn't charge me with it.
00:41:59.000 Only if you're quiet, it's okay.
00:42:00.000 Yeah, once they throw you down the stairs, they're kinda like, eh, we can't charge them with everything.
00:42:06.000 I wouldn't have said who's there for another day and a half.
00:42:09.000 Why did you think?
00:42:10.000 You had to call out to the authorities.
00:42:12.000 Well, I was hammered.
00:42:13.000 He was still drunk and he thought, I must be safe now, it's been three seconds.
00:42:16.000 To be honest, I had wanted something to drink.
00:42:20.000 Hey, speaking of St.
00:42:21.000 Patrick's Day news, this comes from Angela, breaking news from the Eta Bay, so that leprechaun that we talked about earlier in the show, we actually found in Chicago.
00:42:30.000 Really?
00:42:30.000 And it's none other than Chicago Mayor Lori Lightfoot.
00:42:33.000 Oh my goodness!
00:42:35.000 I knew it was her!
00:42:36.000 Gosh, E.T.!
00:42:38.000 Oh boy.
00:42:38.000 Thinks she could look better, but that green bowler, it sets it off.
00:42:42.000 Oh, she grants wishes, but it doesn't come true the way you think it would.
00:42:46.000 It becomes a real nightmare.
00:42:49.000 People in Chicago are just hoping not to die on St.
00:42:51.000 Patrick's Day by being shot.
00:42:52.000 Oh, that is her.
00:42:54.000 It's me, the black leprechaun.
00:42:57.000 Welcome to Chicago.
00:42:58.000 Enjoy getting hit by a bullet driving through.
00:43:00.000 Here's your bulletproof vest.
00:43:01.000 Yes, it's hell here.
00:43:03.000 Look at that whimsical green river.
00:43:05.000 Have you seen Ukraine?
00:43:06.000 It's a lot like that.
00:43:09.000 Our murder rate is going up diddly dee.
00:43:11.000 It's not Russians though.
00:43:13.000 All the bodies floating in the green river.
00:43:15.000 Ah, they have green blood.
00:43:17.000 I love that too.
00:43:17.000 They're like, is the green river hurting?
00:43:19.000 Is putting the green into the river hurting the environment?
00:43:22.000 It's like, there's bullet casings everywhere.
00:43:25.000 Let's not worry about dye.
00:43:26.000 Yeah, you're focusing on food dye?
00:43:28.000 Really?
00:43:28.000 Right.
00:43:29.000 It would be green anyway, just from the vomit.
00:43:31.000 Actually, it's normally red, but... Yes.
00:43:35.000 We put some blue in it, it made it green.
00:43:37.000 Who cares if it's green?
00:43:38.000 There's a lot of... I don't even know if there are Irish in Chicago anymore.
00:43:41.000 Yes, of course there are.
00:43:42.000 There's none.
00:43:42.000 I read it.
00:43:43.000 I went to the St.
00:43:44.000 Paddy's Day Parade in Cleveland.
00:43:45.000 A lot over there too.
00:43:47.000 Are they still doing the parades?
00:43:48.000 Yeah.
00:43:49.000 So now that COVID is kind of subsiding, they're like, come on out.
00:43:52.000 Pretty much.
00:43:53.000 I'm not sure why the Irish decided to settle in the wonderful places.
00:43:57.000 You made it to the land of the free and the home of the brave and you chose Pittsburgh and Cleveland.
00:44:03.000 It's still the third largest city in the country.
00:44:05.000 I'll bet Dallas overtakes it in the next cent.
00:44:07.000 Yeah, probably.
00:44:08.000 I wonder what the floats for the parade are, like just a giant Alcoholics Anonymous book.
00:44:15.000 One's just a guy binge drinking, another guy leaving his family, one guy just hitting a woman, two dudes in a bar fight.
00:44:22.000 You're like, this is the most racist holiday imaginable.
00:44:25.000 Fantastic, I'll go get another drink.
00:44:27.000 Come see my meat and potatoes.
00:44:29.000 Oh, this is a potato famine float where they eat the babies.
00:44:35.000 Get a load of my shillelagh.
00:44:36.000 Yes, they had to eat their pets and their loved ones.
00:44:39.000 Alright, this is the Five Corners.
00:44:44.000 That's so racist.
00:44:45.000 It's more racist than anything I just thought of.
00:44:48.000 Hey, what's Irish?
00:44:49.000 Sugary cereal with a leprechaun on it?
00:44:51.000 Oh boy.
00:44:54.000 Never liked it.
00:44:55.000 I was more of a Captain Crunch guy, but that's, you know, before your time, I guess.
00:44:58.000 Was it?
00:44:59.000 I liked the... was it horseshoes, marshmallows, empty whiskey bottles?
00:45:03.000 What were they?
00:45:04.000 Prison shackles.
00:45:07.000 Paddy wagons.
00:45:10.000 Another entirely racist term that a lot of people don't realize.
00:45:13.000 Yeah, the paddy wagon is because... Of the Irish.
00:45:19.000 All right, so to tell you this though, I'm excited to announce this.
00:45:21.000 Steven Crowder, the host of this show who's out today, planning a change of my mind.
00:45:25.000 Yeah, baby.
00:45:26.000 He and I will be on tour.
00:45:27.000 Go to louderwithcrowder.com slash tour.
00:45:30.000 You can also see me Friday, April 8th at the Geraldo Theater in Juliet, Illinois.
00:45:35.000 Yay!
00:45:36.000 At Joliet, whatever it's called.
00:45:37.000 Joliet!
00:45:38.000 Joliet, Illinois, on Saturday, April 9th.
00:45:40.000 And the Hennessy Theater.
00:45:42.000 No, the Genesee Theater in Waukegan, Illinois.
00:45:47.000 Come out to those shows, it's gonna be a lot of fun.
00:45:49.000 And also I'm on this new thing called ShoutOut.
00:45:51.000 It's an app where, like, you can...
00:45:54.000 You wish happy birthday, Merry Christmas, happy divorce, sorry about Joe Biden smelling your kid, whatever you want to put on there, there's lots of fun people on there including myself and I just thought I'd mention that, it's a fun platform.
00:46:13.000 I wanted to mention the dates, too.
00:46:14.000 May 14th in Tulsa, Oklahoma.
00:46:16.000 There's still a handful of tickets left for that, and then we added that second show in Colorado Springs because you guys, the Pikes Peak Theatre.
00:46:22.000 Yeah, we actually were able to add a second show.
00:46:25.000 That is the popularity of Stephen C. Get it done.
00:46:28.000 I'm just on the coattails, baby.
00:46:31.000 Comedy's funnier at altitude.
00:46:33.000 It is, it's true.
00:46:35.000 Marijuana's legal there too.
00:46:36.000 So I smelled it everywhere I went when I was in Denver.
00:46:39.000 In Colorado?
00:46:40.000 I know.
00:46:40.000 What?
00:46:41.000 Wait, my stars!
00:46:44.000 I didn't know.
00:46:44.000 I lived in Boulder for a little while.
00:46:46.000 Did you really?
00:46:46.000 Yeah, I don't remember much.
00:46:48.000 Well, that's just because you walked outside and took a deep breath.
00:46:51.000 I may have started the fires in, uh, 2002.
00:46:55.000 Rocky Mountain High means something a little different now.
00:46:57.000 I guess it was very dry there, and you shouldn't flick cigarettes on the drive.
00:47:01.000 Well, especially not repeatedly, Dave.
00:47:02.000 Like, why were you lighting them and flicking them?
00:47:04.000 A lady stopped my car, and my friend was driving, and just reamed me, and I was like, I'm sorry, I didn't know the whole thing was kindling.
00:47:10.000 Well... And then later it was burning, but I'm like, that couldn't have been me.
00:47:14.000 That's a coincidence.
00:47:15.000 Yeah, no big deal.
00:47:16.000 Speaking of, uh, Hurting people.
00:47:19.000 Mike Tyson and marijuana.
00:47:21.000 Uh-huh.
00:47:22.000 That's what I should have segued with.
00:47:23.000 Marijuana.
00:47:24.000 I was setting you up there.
00:47:24.000 I should have gone hurting people.
00:47:26.000 I like Mike Tyson.
00:47:29.000 I just want to say that so he doesn't hurt me.
00:47:31.000 The 2022 Mike Tyson.
00:47:32.000 Wonderful.
00:47:33.000 Very different.
00:47:33.000 Very soft.
00:47:35.000 Oh, you don't like the 1988 fresh out of the ghettos?
00:47:38.000 No.
00:47:39.000 Beat you until you scream.
00:47:40.000 Do you remember that old... Want to make orphans out of his children.
00:47:44.000 Do you remember the... What was it?
00:47:47.000 It was the old Rob Schimel joke because it used to be like, would you take a punch from Mike Tyson for a million dollars?
00:47:54.000 No.
00:47:55.000 He's like, for a million dollars, I would fillet him in front of my parents.
00:47:59.000 Ha ha!
00:48:02.000 No, the answer is no.
00:48:04.000 No, I would not.
00:48:05.000 Well, I'd take a punch from Mike Tyson for a million dollars.
00:48:07.000 Never.
00:48:08.000 Oh, I would.
00:48:08.000 I'd be dead.
00:48:10.000 Exactly.
00:48:10.000 That's my point.
00:48:11.000 It'd be brain bleeding, but I could leave my child with something.
00:48:14.000 Ah, yes.
00:48:15.000 We just talked about fathers, Dave.
00:48:17.000 Well, I've been there for most of it.
00:48:23.000 You've only gone out for a pack of cigarettes twice.
00:48:25.000 I haven't smoked in 10 years, buddy.
00:48:27.000 Thank you.
00:48:28.000 Ever since I had my first kid, I don't acknowledge.
00:48:34.000 Mike Tyson is launching a new marijuana edible called Tyson Bites shaped like ears.
00:48:39.000 It just makes nonsense.
00:48:41.000 I hope they're shaped like Holyfield's ears.
00:48:43.000 Well, no, they even have little bites taken out of them.
00:48:45.000 Oh, do they really?
00:48:45.000 Are you serious?
00:48:46.000 Wow.
00:48:47.000 I bet it is the strongest marijuana in the entire world.
00:48:51.000 It's probably not even marijuana.
00:48:52.000 And it's probably got like a delay so that you eat another one and like, ah, it just didn't happen.
00:48:55.000 Oh, it didn't work.
00:48:56.000 And then later, like, what is it?
00:48:58.000 Oh, look at that.
00:49:00.000 How pissed is Holyfield?
00:49:01.000 Those look more like wrestler ears.
00:49:03.000 Yeah, they really do.
00:49:04.000 Yeah, like the cauliflower?
00:49:06.000 Yeah.
00:49:06.000 Oh my God.
00:49:07.000 Oh, that's so gross.
00:49:08.000 No offense if you have cauliflower ear, but I don't want to look at you.
00:49:10.000 You definitely do not want to offend people with cauliflower ears.
00:49:13.000 I know, I'm joking.
00:49:13.000 Those are the last people.
00:49:14.000 I'm completely kidding.
00:49:15.000 They tend to earn those, you know?
00:49:16.000 I have good friends with cauliflower.
00:49:18.000 Many of my friends, cauliflower-eared friends.
00:49:21.000 Yeah, but could you not wear the protective plastic things they have that make you look like even more of an idiot?
00:49:26.000 What?
00:49:26.000 If you're sitting there wrestling a man in a leotard, you want to look gay?
00:49:31.000 Hold on, make sure you get to full mount.
00:49:34.000 Yeah, get to full mount.
00:49:35.000 I'm not wearing those ear things though.
00:49:37.000 Get to full mount and stick your hooks in.
00:49:39.000 That looks ridiculous.
00:49:40.000 I'd love to go north-south with you.
00:49:42.000 Let me grind on a high school competitor.
00:49:45.000 It's funny that all the janitors come out to watch our practice.
00:49:49.000 And it's a sport they measure in riding time.
00:49:54.000 I love fake wrestling.
00:49:57.000 I never, ever liked it.
00:50:00.000 You're offending Brodigan right now, Dan.
00:50:02.000 Why?
00:50:03.000 Real wrestling.
00:50:04.000 Brodigan loves WWE.
00:50:06.000 So do I. I'm going to Wrestlemania for the first time this year.
00:50:09.000 Really?
00:50:10.000 I've been to Smackdown.
00:50:11.000 Have you?
00:50:11.000 I'm taking my son to Wrestlemania.
00:50:13.000 So these are different Smackdown and Wrestlemania titles?
00:50:16.000 Yeah.
00:50:16.000 Wrestlemania is the biggest event.
00:50:18.000 That was the one that was at the Pontiac Silverdome.
00:50:20.000 I actually went to that.
00:50:23.000 I saw Andre the Giant fight Hulk Hogan in Detroit.
00:50:28.000 The final time?
00:50:30.000 It was not at Pontiac, though.
00:50:31.000 I think it was at Joe Louis Arena or Cobo Hall, I think.
00:50:34.000 No, the Silverdome.
00:50:35.000 Okay.
00:50:35.000 It was the Silverdome.
00:50:36.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:50:37.000 Yeah, I mean, they might have done it another time, but they did the WrestleMania 2 or 3 was done at the Pontiac Silverdome.
00:50:44.000 Wow.
00:50:44.000 That's still the record, I think.
00:50:46.000 Yeah, it was still like the biggest watch won.
00:50:48.000 And then, yeah, Andre the Giant would drink like two-fifths.
00:50:52.000 And Jake the Snake talked about how he had three-fifths one day and he fell backwards.
00:50:57.000 And he was supposed to just kind of not land on Jake the Snake's chest, but instead he landed directly on Jake the Snake's chest, which destroyed every bone in his body.
00:51:08.000 Oh wow.
00:51:08.000 And that's how he got addicted to painkillers.
00:51:10.000 Well, then he became a real snake.
00:51:12.000 Like, you get rid of the bones and you can move.
00:51:14.000 Yeah, well he said he didn't.
00:51:16.000 One of the funniest things he says, I saw him do it the show live and he's like, I didn't like snakes.
00:51:21.000 And he's just covered in snake bites.
00:51:24.000 And he kept, he kept letting them loose in Diamond Dallas's Paige's house.
00:51:30.000 Like trying to get him sober.
00:51:31.000 So like every three weeks he's got to rip out his walls to find a boa constrictor because the crackhead in one of the rooms can't keep a snake in a bag.
00:51:40.000 You know, Brodigan's weird.
00:51:41.000 He likes the fake wrestling, but he likes UFC, too, which is completely real.
00:51:45.000 Yeah, that's totally real.
00:51:45.000 Well, I mean, there's definitely a very realness to wrestling.
00:51:49.000 I mean, that's some rock-hard mats.
00:51:51.000 Oh, no, the athleticism you have to acknowledge.
00:51:53.000 Anyone that's ever played a sport, these guys are serious athletes.
00:51:56.000 I don't care if the fight is fake.
00:51:59.000 Very good athletes.
00:51:59.000 Yeah, Chris Benoit had the brain of an 80-year-old Alzheimer's patient when he took his family out.
00:52:07.000 Oh, which is just slightly smarter than Joe Biden.
00:52:12.000 Look out, Jill.
00:52:14.000 Speaking of smart people.
00:52:17.000 Please, if he was going to go after anybody, Hunter would already.
00:52:19.000 Anyways, every time he sees a picture of Bo, wrong kid, dad.
00:52:24.000 Oh, what?
00:52:28.000 You don't agree?
00:52:29.000 All right.
00:52:31.000 Let's talk about meth.
00:52:33.000 And Florida.
00:52:34.000 I needed to say that.
00:52:35.000 Let's talk about meth.
00:52:35.000 When I said meth, you didn't immediately think Florida.
00:52:38.000 This is fun.
00:52:39.000 Have you done meth?
00:52:40.000 No, no.
00:52:42.000 Ever?
00:52:43.000 I've seen Breaking Bad though, so I feel like I know.
00:52:45.000 You want to do some?
00:52:46.000 No.
00:52:47.000 I got a recipe.
00:52:48.000 No glass, please.
00:52:49.000 You sure?
00:52:49.000 None.
00:52:50.000 Nine!
00:52:51.000 I'm pretty good at it.
00:52:52.000 Have you done meth?
00:52:53.000 I haven't.
00:52:54.000 You know, in my day, mescaline was the thing.
00:52:57.000 What was mescaline?
00:52:58.000 Was it?
00:52:58.000 No, no.
00:52:59.000 That's like an acid thing.
00:53:02.000 Yeah.
00:53:02.000 That was the rage in my high school.
00:53:04.000 Peyote's a cactus.
00:53:05.000 Mescaline is... I forget what it was, but yeah, we used to do mescaline.
00:53:08.000 It was fun.
00:53:09.000 Oh yeah, I brought it up for you now.
00:53:10.000 Yeah, yeah.
00:53:11.000 Terrible.
00:53:11.000 Oh, those were good days.
00:53:12.000 No.
00:53:13.000 No, Dave.
00:53:14.000 They were, though.
00:53:14.000 Those were throw-down-the-stairs days.
00:53:16.000 No, that was drunk.
00:53:18.000 Oh.
00:53:18.000 When I was on a trip, I enjoyed my time.
00:53:21.000 Terrible.
00:53:22.000 Not all the time.
00:53:23.000 When I tripped for seven days, I didn't.
00:53:24.000 That's a different story altogether.
00:53:26.000 I thought I... I don't know if I came back from it or just got used to it.
00:53:30.000 Who knows?
00:53:32.000 Anyway.
00:53:33.000 According to Hern- is this Hernando?
00:53:36.000 Alright.
00:53:36.000 According to Hernando County Sheriff's Office, Thomas Eugene Colucci made an emergency call last Thursday to have his meth tested for authenticity.
00:53:46.000 The man called 911 to make sure his crank was real.
00:53:51.000 Apparently this good Samaritan told deputies he wanted it tested because he did not want other people to purchase the fake meth.
00:53:59.000 Can you imagine?
00:54:00.000 That would be chaos.
00:54:02.000 Deputies happily obliged.
00:54:04.000 The Sheriff's Department said if a person has any doubts about the authenticity of any illegal narcotics, you have on- And, or have obtained from another person, the Hernando County Sheriff's Office is pleased to provide this service free of charge.
00:54:25.000 But he was Irish, and so it's totally fine.
00:54:27.000 I just love that.
00:54:29.000 This isn't the first time, there was actually another guy, it was a cop who took weed brownies from an evidence locker, and then he's on the phone like, I'm so hot, I think I'm gonna die, like he called the cops on himself.
00:54:41.000 After eating weed from an evidence locker.
00:54:45.000 But that brings us to today's sponsor.
00:54:47.000 Hold on.
00:54:53.000 Opioids.
00:54:56.000 After I blew up my knee playing high school football, I never thought I'd live pain-free ever again.
00:55:01.000 Giving birth to triplets and injuring my back getting rear-ended by a drunk driver.
00:55:05.000 I figured soreness and irritation were just a part of life.
00:55:10.000 I just needed to escape the daily hell that I call life.
00:55:15.000 Oh, and I had some minor foot pain.
00:55:19.000 I think that's the guy that rear-ended me.
00:55:23.000 Yeah, it is.
00:55:26.000 After my fourth DUI, I was court-ordered to never drink again.
00:55:31.000 And now I have a scram tether that monitors my alcohol intake 24-7.
00:55:36.000 But then my doctor told me about opioids.
00:55:39.000 He said they'd take my pain away for good.
00:55:43.000 And now I don't suffer, because I got a bottle of 60 warm hugs from God.
00:55:51.000 Now that I don't have any pain, I can catch anything that life throws at me.
00:55:55.000 I don't hurt anymore, and now my three kids have a hard time keeping up with me.
00:56:00.000 When I run out of my medicine, the agony returns, and then I have to do pretty sinful things to get over it.
00:56:06.000 There's only supposed to be one of you guys.
00:56:14.000 Thanks for watching.
00:56:18.000 My doctor said I'm too pretty to get addicted.
00:56:21.000 Opioids should only be used as medically prescribed.
00:56:24.000 They may cause nausea, headache, constipation, anal discharge, crocodile tears, addiction, cult leading, hair lifts, suicide, homicide, clowning around with the fellas, and in rare, but fairly often cases, death.
00:56:39.000 Ask your doctor about opioids today.
00:56:45.000 Opioids.
00:56:46.000 Because you're not on heroin...
00:56:48.000 yet.
00:56:50.000 Opioids.
00:56:52.000 Opioids.
00:56:56.000 Now available in chewable tablets.
00:56:58.000 Be sure to keep them around the house if you have young ones with a loosened top next to your gun.
00:57:03.000 All right.
00:57:03.000 Listen.
00:57:04.000 Now we're back.
00:57:05.000 By the way, if you ever have a problem with any stolen opioids or somebody else's prescription and you want to know if it's real, genuine product, just call the police.
00:57:13.000 Yes, that's the best thing to do.
00:57:15.000 They will verify it for you.
00:57:16.000 Absolutely.
00:57:17.000 Or just take it.
00:57:18.000 No, don't take it.
00:57:20.000 There's a good way to identify if it's fake.
00:57:22.000 It's if you're high or not.
00:57:25.000 Just throwing it out there.
00:57:26.000 You're taking them for pain?
00:57:27.000 We get it.
00:57:28.000 Yes.
00:57:29.000 By prescription only, though.
00:57:30.000 You know what the opposite of pain is?
00:57:31.000 What's that?
00:57:31.000 Me at the Hartford Funnybone this weekend.
00:57:35.000 Shameless.
00:57:38.000 Shameless.
00:57:38.000 I love the cash register sound.
00:57:40.000 But seriously, come on.
00:57:41.000 I'd love to meet the fans.
00:57:42.000 I like you guys.
00:57:43.000 Yeah.
00:57:44.000 You're giving out free opioids.
00:57:45.000 Yeah.
00:57:46.000 Don't say that.
00:57:47.000 You know, there will be a line.
00:57:48.000 The tickets will sell out right now.
00:57:52.000 Well, I'd like to welcome to the show Lane the Brain.
00:57:55.000 Glad to be back.
00:57:57.000 I can't hear you at all.
00:57:59.000 Glad to be back.
00:57:59.000 You should lift that up.
00:58:00.000 Did you comically put it this low from him?
00:58:04.000 One of these days we'll have a budget for a real audio guy.
00:58:06.000 That's set up for me.
00:58:08.000 You're a tall glass of water.
00:58:10.000 Yeah.
00:58:11.000 I'll just project a little bit.
00:58:13.000 There you go.
00:58:15.000 I like the cut of your jib.
00:58:16.000 Right here.
00:58:17.000 There you go.
00:58:17.000 Excellent.
00:58:17.000 It's a sailing reference.
00:58:18.000 Anyway, thanks for having me back.
00:58:20.000 I do appreciate it.
00:58:20.000 I appreciate you coming on, my friend.
00:58:22.000 Daryl, thank you for letting me return.
00:58:23.000 You know, after last time's performance, I think you needed a minute.
00:58:27.000 So I just wanted to make sure.
00:58:29.000 I was the one that needed a minute.
00:58:30.000 Let's keep it friendly, right?
00:58:33.000 Darren and I, we can just go into Detroit Stories if that gets too heavy.
00:58:38.000 Russian and Taiwan documents, that's what we're going to talk about.
00:58:42.000 An alleged Russian intel leak claimed that China had planned a fall invasion of Taiwan.
00:58:48.000 I should read these before.
00:58:49.000 Before Russia's invasion of Ukraine.
00:58:52.000 Let me read that again more professionally.
00:58:55.000 An alleged Russian intel leak claimed that China had planned a fall invasion of Taiwan before Russia's invasion of Ukraine.
00:59:03.000 Thank you.
00:59:04.000 Basically, was this China being a little pissed off at Russia that they beat them to the punch?
00:59:08.000 Probably.
00:59:09.000 Yes, sort of.
00:59:10.000 I mean, from what I can tell, the foreign ministry in Taiwan can't actually back up that this document is legitimate.
00:59:16.000 The source is legitimate, but they haven't confirmed it.
00:59:19.000 This was run in Newsweek, right, as a story.
00:59:21.000 Yeah, this just ran yesterday.
00:59:22.000 So we can totally trust that it's 100%.
00:59:26.000 No, it's that the speculation was just a little more interesting, the conversation that it brought up.
00:59:31.000 Not necessarily that we're saying this is absolutely true.
00:59:34.000 Well, yeah, the document is said to be written by an anonymous analyst with Russia's Federal Security Service, calling himself Wind of Change.
00:59:44.000 Is that?
00:59:46.000 That wasn't like the first tip-off.
00:59:47.000 Is that a song?
00:59:49.000 Isn't Wind of Change a song?
00:59:51.000 Yes, I think there is.
00:59:53.000 Find the Wind of Change.
00:59:54.000 I want to know why they call themselves that.
00:59:56.000 I feel like that... That's not even like a threatening song.
00:59:58.000 That legitimized it to me because that sounds like a name like a Russian would come up with.
01:00:01.000 Really?
01:00:02.000 Oh, they're like, this is cool.
01:00:04.000 The Westerners like names.
01:00:05.000 He's like, we are spin doctors.
01:00:10.000 Winds of Change?
01:00:11.000 Yeah.
01:00:12.000 80s or 90s?
01:00:13.000 It's very, yeah, I think it's very ballady.
01:00:15.000 It is.
01:00:17.000 I know the song in my head.
01:00:20.000 It's by Scorpions.
01:00:21.000 Yeah!
01:00:23.000 But it's their ballad, right?
01:00:25.000 Yeah!
01:00:26.000 Look at that imagery!
01:00:29.000 This is when the androgynous look should have stopped.
01:00:32.000 Look at that imagery.
01:00:33.000 The song came on.
01:00:34.000 This is when the androgynous look should have stopped.
01:00:37.000 Right, yeah.
01:00:38.000 I think this is in a lot of commercials, right?
01:00:44.000 Oh, I know this.
01:00:45.000 Sparklers, leather hat.
01:00:46.000 Listen to the wind.
01:00:47.000 I'm a little bit of a fan of the wind.
01:00:54.000 Beautiful.
01:00:58.000 I know the song!
01:00:59.000 I told you!
01:00:59.000 Well, yeah, it's Scorpions.
01:01:00.000 Yeah, I just didn't know that.
01:01:01.000 I didn't know it was the... I forgot it was Scorpions.
01:01:03.000 I don't know what that word... Donkey Kong or Donkey Conqueror... What is he saying there?
01:01:06.000 I think I'm gonna go see them live as soon as I get free tickets and a gas station.
01:01:11.000 You ever see that?
01:01:12.000 You get your time machine to go back and see them when they're at their peak.
01:01:15.000 Oh, yeah, yeah.
01:01:16.000 Yeah, that's the one I'm gonna pick.
01:01:17.000 Scorpions.
01:01:18.000 If you cut the coupon off the back of a milk carton.
01:01:21.000 They're rockin' like a hurricane, right?
01:01:22.000 Yeah.
01:01:23.000 No, they are... How dare you?
01:01:24.000 Rockin' like a hurricane is... How dare you?
01:01:26.000 That's Whitesnake, right?
01:01:27.000 No, that's Scorpion.
01:01:29.000 Rock me like a hurricane is Scorpion?
01:01:30.000 Yeah.
01:01:31.000 Wow, you're right.
01:01:31.000 Good call.
01:01:32.000 I feel like we're being a little judgmental here.
01:01:33.000 No, no, I wasn't.
01:01:35.000 Rock you like a hurricane.
01:01:37.000 Rock you like a hurricane.
01:01:38.000 Well, now it's semantics.
01:01:39.000 Now it's semantics.
01:01:40.000 It's the song.
01:01:41.000 What was the band?
01:01:42.000 That's a hockey song.
01:01:43.000 The Great White was the band that was like, hey, I don't think we need a fire exit.
01:01:48.000 All right.
01:01:50.000 Or this asbestos curtain behind us.
01:01:52.000 Totally fine.
01:01:52.000 Let's keep that there.
01:01:53.000 Who plays a 200-seater and goes pyrotechnics is going to be a good idea?
01:01:59.000 There's one exit.
01:02:01.000 Yeah.
01:02:01.000 Well, let's see if everybody can fit out at the same time.
01:02:03.000 Oh, no, I guess the band can leave, though.
01:02:05.000 Sure, you're permanently scarred from burns, but you got to see Whitesnake.
01:02:10.000 It's a trade-off.
01:02:11.000 So talk to me a little bit more about this story.
01:02:14.000 People are saying that China had a plan to invade Taiwan this fall, but that plan kind of got derailed by Russia invading Ukraine.
01:02:22.000 Why would that derail the plan if China really wanted to go at Taiwan in the fall?
01:02:27.000 I don't think it's necessarily saying it derailed it, other than it... From what I'm gathering from the document and from how the Chinese responded to the invasion, is what they've been seeing so far has made them reconsider any plans that they might have had.
01:02:42.000 What, like, by Ukrainians holding their ground against Russia?
01:02:45.000 Yes, because... Are they that worried that their military can't...
01:02:50.000 So I think what has probably, and what has probably, I guess, unnerved the Chinese the most is seeing kind of the Western unified response to the Ukraine situation.
01:03:04.000 And that's not a military intervention, but it's every single country in Europe, North America, well, Canada, the United States, and then the Eastern European or Eastern Asian countries like Japan, South Korea, Taiwan.
01:03:16.000 Everyone's on the same page.
01:03:17.000 Right.
01:03:17.000 And I don't think China really saw that kind of cohesive response happening.
01:03:25.000 Gotcha.
01:03:26.000 I don't think that they thought that was happening.
01:03:27.000 Okay, but they are seeing that they're not doing anything, right?
01:03:31.000 Militarily, like, Russia is still there fighting now.
01:03:34.000 They say that the attack is stalled, but they're not, the world is not, like, sending, like, their soldiers.
01:03:40.000 Right.
01:03:41.000 And, again, I think this is kind of a counterintuitive point, that you would think, okay, the United States, the West isn't doing anything, that makes China realize, oh, well, we can get away with doing what we want now.
01:03:50.000 I would actually argue the opposite and say that this is actually showing a lot of restraint on the US's part because I think they understand that we have to allocate resources and those need to be allocated towards Asia because it's just much more important to us.
01:04:06.000 I have no doubt Hold on, hold on.
01:04:09.000 So is this the Minister of Foreign Affairs?
01:04:11.000 Did we say this already?
01:04:12.000 Joseph Wu said he couldn't authenticate the document.
01:04:15.000 But hey, Pops Crowder, the stance of the Biden administration, if you're a world leader, does that make you think twice?
01:04:18.000 You might as well be speaking French.
01:04:20.000 Said he couldn't authenticate the document, but hey, Pop Scrouter, the stance of the Biden
01:04:25.000 administration, does that, if you're a world leader, does that make you think twice?
01:04:30.000 Or are you like, this guy's a weakling?
01:04:32.000 He's a weakling.
01:04:33.000 I think everyone agrees.
01:04:35.000 I understand where you're coming from but I don't know that China is making any changes based on the global response to Ukraine because I get that financially it can hurt people.
01:04:44.000 This is a sketch of Gerald.
01:04:47.000 I think both things can be true though.
01:04:49.000 Biden can be weak but the The world response is very real.
01:04:52.000 It is, for sure.
01:04:54.000 Almost trying to fill a void where Biden is left.
01:05:00.000 I think this is a little bit different story.
01:05:02.000 I agree and disagree with you at the same time.
01:05:04.000 I agree in that you're right, the world response does have some kind of an impact.
01:05:08.000 But this is China saying, Taiwan left us basically just seceded from China, essentially, originally.
01:05:15.000 That's essentially what happened, right?
01:05:17.000 That's not what happened!
01:05:19.000 That's what the Communist Party would say happened.
01:05:20.000 That's what they're saying happened, right?
01:05:22.000 So that would be the story that they would put to the rest of the world, and all we're doing is taking back what is ours.
01:05:27.000 That's not what's going on, really, as much in Russia-Ukraine.
01:05:31.000 There's obviously the former Soviet Union, and I understand that, and there's Russian-speaking people in kind of the eastern part, or people that maybe identify more with Russia and Ukraine, But he's not going back over there just to say Ukraine needs to be reunited, he's going back over there because he thinks he needs a buffer between them and NATO.
01:05:46.000 Sure.
01:05:46.000 Right?
01:05:47.000 So that's a little different story, right?
01:05:48.000 So, I don't know that China looks at this and goes, ah, we were gonna do this, because economically, China can put the screws to the world, Russia cannot.
01:05:57.000 True, but I think there was an interesting tweet that came out yesterday and I actually sent this to Gibbon that really goes to my point.
01:06:05.000 I think what China would have liked to see happen more than anything is the United States to get involved militarily in this conflict.
01:06:11.000 I think that would have been their idea.
01:06:12.000 Why?
01:06:13.000 Because what does that do?
01:06:14.000 It bogs down the United States military.
01:06:16.000 It takes resources, it takes attention, it takes focus away from what would be their theater, which is the South Pacific.
01:06:23.000 Yeah.
01:06:24.000 But US military doctrine is basically saying we can fight two full-scale Iraqi wars, Iraq-sized conflicts at the same time.
01:06:32.000 That's our readiness doctrine from the last time that I saw it, right?
01:06:35.000 So we should be able to do something like that.
01:06:37.000 We should also be able to kill Dave for drawing me.
01:06:42.000 Add on.
01:06:43.000 But anyway, I think we understand that we've had this concern about Taiwan for a little while.
01:06:47.000 You think the world response is slowing down China.
01:06:49.000 I think it may a little bit, but if they want to go, they're going to go.
01:06:54.000 Right.
01:06:56.000 I agree they're going to go anyway, but I think they're going to have to delay whatever that timetable was and figure out a few more things.
01:07:03.000 They're going to do it sometime in the next 20 years.
01:07:05.000 years. Well and this is actually interesting because Ukrainian
01:07:09.000 people a lot of times were standing and fighting but a lot of people had to be
01:07:12.000 ordered to stay the men but according to new polling 70% of Taiwanese are now
01:07:16.000 willing to stay and fight for their country and that's pretty good right up
01:07:19.000 from 30% compared to a poll administer before Russia's invasion of Ukraine so
01:07:24.000 maybe that made it a little harder where they're like yeah we're
01:07:28.000 And so maybe now China's like, well, if 70% are going to stay and fight, I mean, we'll just keep stealing technology and be fine over here.
01:07:34.000 I was just guessing, Darren, but it turns out I was right.
01:07:38.000 I think we get the Chinese psyche from this tweet.
01:07:40.000 I want to read it real quick, if you could pull that back up, because it's really interesting.
01:07:44.000 This is from the Global Times, a journalist at the Global Times.
01:07:47.000 Can you read it in Mandarin for us?
01:07:48.000 I think it's written in English, because the Global Times is an English propaganda outlet.
01:07:54.000 After Zelensky's speech to Congress yesterday, and the Congress got up and clapped, you know everything, I can't... Put it back up.
01:08:01.000 So, the Global Times responded... Just applause?
01:08:01.000 Thank you.
01:08:06.000 It's hypocritical.
01:08:07.000 really wants to show justice, it should send troops to Ukraine, or at least set up a no-fly zone, and fight Putin's troops directly, even if that means the sacrifice of U.S.
01:08:07.000 If the U.S.
01:08:17.000 soldiers.
01:08:18.000 Don't just incite Ukrainians to die for American interests.
01:08:20.000 Why would they be pushing?
01:08:21.000 Why?
01:08:23.000 I think they want people to turn against the United States.
01:08:27.000 Sure, they also want the United States to be busy doing something else.
01:08:32.000 Like, I know you said our readiness doctrine says we should be able to fight two wars like Iraq, but we didn't.
01:08:37.000 At the same time.
01:08:38.000 And we couldn't even fight the one at the same time and win it.
01:08:40.000 So what makes us think we could fight a Europe, the two next leading military powers?
01:08:44.000 Troop deployment sizes.
01:08:45.000 We weren't trying to, like, take over a country in Iraq.
01:08:47.000 If we wanted to take over the country and win the war, we should have done that.
01:08:50.000 We were just trying to rebuild their economy and be nice guys, as Stephen said, we have done forever.
01:08:54.000 That was against third-rate goat herders in the Middle East.
01:08:58.000 Now we're talking about Russia and China.
01:09:01.000 Yeah, now we're talking about Russia and China, the two next biggest militaries in the world.
01:09:04.000 So I don't know why we would think we could be able to fight both those fronts.
01:09:08.000 China knows that too.
01:09:08.000 I wouldn't mind being a goat herder.
01:09:10.000 So I agree.
01:09:11.000 I completely agree with Darren.
01:09:12.000 Biden is weak.
01:09:13.000 This isn't defending him at all.
01:09:15.000 Hopefully we will have at least some... I'd like to think there's some intelligent people left in the government somewhere.
01:09:23.000 I know that's a stretch of the imagination.
01:09:25.000 It really is, yeah.
01:09:25.000 But I agree with you.
01:09:26.000 I'd like to see that.
01:09:28.000 I mean, that's the dream.
01:09:28.000 There's like two or three.
01:09:30.000 Could you guys make it more obvious that you're still there, please?
01:09:32.000 Oh, me?
01:09:34.000 No, no.
01:09:35.000 Oh, yeah.
01:09:36.000 Oh, there's none.
01:09:38.000 Well, they're being yelled over.
01:09:40.000 There's no way.
01:09:42.000 Well I hope it doesn't happen because I do think that, and you've said this too, if China does go into Taiwan, you've even felt that they've been emboldened by this previously, that they would be more apt to go into Taiwan after seeing the response to Russia going into Ukraine without sending troops, right?
01:09:57.000 If that happens, everybody says World War III is potentially now, I think that's definitely much more of a catalyst for World War III than this situation.
01:10:06.000 We mentioned it in this last thing I'll point out, just about how much more important it is.
01:10:10.000 Like, everything in here, there's a semiconductor in it, right?
01:10:13.000 Well, I mean, it's a text to me.
01:10:13.000 Right.
01:10:15.000 My suspenders have a.
01:10:17.000 Those are pretty high-tech looking.
01:10:19.000 I mean, they're nice.
01:10:20.000 They're top tier.
01:10:21.000 I made them this morning.
01:10:21.000 They're snappy.
01:10:22.000 Taiwan controls 63% of the semiconductor market in the world, and TSMC, one company, controls over half of all semiconductor production in the world.
01:10:31.000 And that's probably, outside of food, the most important resource that exists.
01:10:35.000 Food and oil, I would say.
01:10:37.000 Okay, so China attacking Taiwan, bad.
01:10:41.000 Terrible.
01:10:41.000 Okay, got it.
01:10:43.000 Worse than Russia attacking Ukraine.
01:10:44.000 I feel like I won again.
01:10:45.000 I don't know how you can think that, but that's cute.
01:10:48.000 This is Devil Gerald with a goatee.
01:10:53.000 See, Gerald, World War can be fun.
01:10:55.000 It really can, especially if you have... Now, if I shine a flashlight on that, will it disappear?
01:11:00.000 It might.
01:11:01.000 You have no idea what I could draw on this.
01:11:04.000 Alright, so we should probably wrap it up because... No, honestly, yes.
01:11:07.000 I have a question for both of you.
01:11:09.000 Let's say a Taiwan kid... Taiwan kid?
01:11:13.000 Taiwanese kid.
01:11:13.000 Is that a superhero?
01:11:15.000 Captain America and Taiwan kid?
01:11:16.000 I'm Taiwan kid, what are you here to do?
01:11:18.000 Still computers.
01:11:19.000 Have sex with businessmen for lots of money.
01:11:21.000 That's Thailand.
01:11:24.000 Oh, right.
01:11:25.000 Thailand boy.
01:11:26.000 I'm a power bottom.
01:11:28.000 Alright, so...
01:11:29.000 Taiwan though is what John Cena said didn't exist.
01:11:32.000 Yeah.
01:11:32.000 Well that's what China says is part of China.
01:11:35.000 Right.
01:11:36.000 So the world can't recognize them, the WHO can't recognize them,
01:11:38.000 we can't recognize their independence if we accept a gift from them,
01:11:42.000 or, I mean, there's just so many things that we do.
01:11:43.000 We've actually sent the fleet to the Straits many times to ward off conflict,
01:11:49.000 to let them know that we wouldn't let something happen.
01:11:50.000 I'm not sure how many times we've actually gone through it.
01:11:52.000 My question is far less intelligent.
01:11:54.000 What I'm wondering is if there's a Taiwanese boy... The lady boys, that's Thailand again.
01:12:02.000 A Taiwanese boy though.
01:12:05.000 He's in the Taiwanese St.
01:12:08.000 Jude's.
01:12:09.000 I don't know, St.
01:12:09.000 Rude's maybe they call it.
01:12:11.000 Would John Cena show up if his wish was to meet John Cena or we'd pretend that the country didn't exist?
01:12:17.000 He would pretend the country didn't exist and he would issue an apology for the boy asking for him to come and show up.
01:12:24.000 He would pull a reverse John Cena.
01:12:25.000 He'd be like, I can't see you.
01:12:27.000 Yeah.
01:12:30.000 And see?
01:12:31.000 That is how we find common ground.
01:12:32.000 And listen, I wish I couldn't see John Cena ever, ever, ever again.
01:12:38.000 Great question.
01:12:39.000 Not good.
01:12:39.000 Thank you for coming in, Lane.
01:12:41.000 I appreciate you laying the brain every day.
01:12:43.000 I agree, but let's keep having him back.
01:12:44.000 I agree.
01:12:45.000 I love when he comes in.
01:12:46.000 Give a round of applause.
01:12:47.000 Come on, guys.
01:12:49.000 Yeah!
01:12:50.000 The kids love him.
01:12:51.000 Okay, thank you.
01:12:52.000 Thank you.
01:12:53.000 Thank you for coming.
01:12:53.000 Man who looks like Hitler's wet dream.
01:12:55.000 Oh, he is.
01:12:57.000 And by Hitler, I mean me.
01:13:02.000 Okay, so anyway, you should go subscribe to Mug Club.
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01:13:37.000 Happy St.
01:13:37.000 Paddy's Day.
01:13:38.000 Be safe.
01:13:38.000 Don't drink and drive too late.
01:13:41.000 And, uh... Ever.
01:13:43.000 Ever.
01:13:44.000 Ever.
01:13:44.000 I'm joking.
01:13:45.000 It's a joke.
01:13:46.000 I hate that all of YouTube is, I have to say, it's a joke.
01:13:51.000 Well, you're scared of getting cancelled.
01:13:52.000 Yeah!
01:13:54.000 Who knew?
01:13:54.000 Oh, I'm cancelled already.
01:13:55.000 I'm just afraid of getting banned.