Joe Rogan Experience #1007 - Ari Shaffir, Bert Kreischer & Tom Segura
Episode Stats
Length
4 hours and 4 minutes
Words per Minute
205.35884
Summary
In this episode, the boys talk about Garth Brooks new album "Old Wheeler" and a few other things. Also, the guys talk about their favorite songs of the 20th century and some other random stuff. Also, we talk about a crazy crossdresser in Japan and the crazy things he did in school and how he got away with it. We also talk about some of the craziest things people have ever done in school, and some of our favorite songs from the 80's and 90's. We hope you enjoy this episode and don't forget to subscribe on your favorite streaming service so you don't miss the next episode! XOXO, Ben & Cody Logo by Courtney DeKorte. Theme by Mavus White. Music by PSOVOD and tyops. If you like what you hear, please HIT SUBSCRIBE and leave us a review on Apple Podcasts! Subscribe, Like, and Share on whatever platform you're listening to this podcast! We appreciate it! Cheers, Ben, Cody, and Mikayla. Thank you so much for being a part of the podcast and supporting the podcast, we really appreciate it. Love ya, bye! -P.S. We appreciate you guys. -Mavus, Cheers! -Chad, Jake, Bryce, Ben and Cody, Matt, Jacob, and the crew. <3 -A.J. & the crew at The Crew at the podcast. xoxo -PJ & the boys at the Ritz -Jon & the Crews. Mike & the team at The R&B Crew. XO -Jon and the R&J Crew -Ben & the R.B. Crew at S.A. -Jake & the rest of the R & JB Crew Thank ya, Jake and the rest at the Backcountry Crew. -Jonah and the boys. . -J. & the guys at the B&R Crew at P&B . . Jake, Jake & the band at the boys -B. and the gang at the P&C. , Jake at the bar at the club, and all at the coffee shop in the bar next to The R & B. at the park & all the other places in the back of the bar in the park.
Transcript
00:00:16.000
People get mad when they find out Wheeler's real name.
00:00:20.000
We had a conversation, me and him, and then in the middle he goes, Hey, this is Ben talking.
00:00:35.000
He's different than when he came on the podcast as the other fella.
00:00:40.000
He's been doing these promos where he does voice over a famous person.
00:01:03.000
I want to tell you about my new favorite record.
00:01:05.000
It's called Old Wheeler by Wheeler Walker Jr. I love blasting it here on my private jet.
00:01:11.000
There's always a bunch of dumb crackers who want my autograph and want me to sing Low Places with them.
00:01:31.000
At the bottom it says it's been retweeted by Garth Brooks.
00:01:47.000
When he makes that motion with his face, he's like...
00:02:28.000
When that song comes on, I want to fucking be in a pickup.
00:03:13.000
Legitimately hilarious that he comes out to that.
00:03:26.000
But I went to a fight once where some dude came out in a tutu or some shit.
00:03:32.000
Yeah, he was wearing something girly and everybody was like...
00:03:38.000
Something like, I don't know, like a skirt or some shit.
00:03:44.000
Well, there was one dude who fought in K-1 who was a famous cross-dresser in Japan, and he was a bad motherfucker.
00:03:52.000
He wasn't necessarily a constant cross-dresser.
00:03:55.000
But occasionally he would dress up like a schoolgirl.
00:03:59.000
And this dude beat the fuck out of some people who underestimated him because he dressed up like a schoolgirl.
00:04:14.000
Yeah, he did some weird shit where he dressed up like a female anime character or something.
00:04:18.000
I can't really remember entirely how the story went down.
00:04:27.000
And, you know, in the part-time he dresses up like a schoolgirl or whatever the fuck the outfit is.
00:04:40.000
Like, come out with pigtails and shit, and just fuck somebody's world up.
00:04:49.000
That's like, that would be like, the fucking Brutus the Barber beefcake shit.
00:04:56.000
That would be some next level mind game shit, like you're past all the aggression.
00:05:04.000
I'm gonna fuck you up, and I'm gonna pretend I'm a girl up until the moment I fuck you up.
00:05:08.000
Yeah, that's the polar opposite of what other dudes go for.
00:05:12.000
If you could pull that off, you'd be so relaxed in a fight.
00:05:16.000
If you could figure out how to act like a girl in front of a dude who's ready to beat the fuck out of you.
00:05:22.000
If they had an out-of-the-closet queenie gay in the UFC, but was super well-trained, that'd be the best.
00:05:41.000
You're putting a call out to the universe right now for it.
00:05:49.000
Some, like, queen who's built like Czech Congo.
00:05:55.000
Just there to smash people and get them to suck their dick.
00:06:14.000
This is the UFC fight where he came and dressed like a girl, yeah.
00:06:20.000
Is this the one you're thinking of, or are you thinking about the Japanese guy?
00:06:22.000
No, the Japanese one, but this one I remember now.
00:06:55.000
A lot of those guys, by the time they came to the United States, they had already been in so many wars.
00:07:21.000
I think that's probably his fight team or something.
00:07:35.000
Yeah, that's what I was saying, I guess, at the time of that fight.
00:08:03.000
John Fitch had a super long win streak right around then.
00:08:07.000
I think that was before John fought GSP for the title.
00:08:11.000
I think he tied the record for most wins and they hadn't given him a title shot and like, oh, that's ridiculous.
00:08:17.000
I was looking and then I came across this other entrance.
00:08:25.000
I'm trying to remember when the UFC brought back the 155-pound title.
00:08:30.000
Because for a long time, 170 was the lightest weight you could fight.
00:08:33.000
You've got to give this dude credit for his entrances.
00:08:43.000
He had a whole choreographed entrance when he fought in Pride.
00:08:57.000
Anybody who ever questions whether or not Mayhem was a good fighter?
00:09:05.000
But if you go back to when Mayhem fought Sakurai.
00:09:37.000
A bunch of schoolgirls and outfits and ties and shit.
00:09:44.000
You know, Mayhem's had some tough times, but he's always been cool to me.
00:09:53.000
I mean, he's got some problems and, you know, he was always...
00:10:02.000
By the way, I ended up binge-watching that one day and watching dudes fuck up guys who don't know how to fight.
00:10:09.000
I remember one time, when we were in Australia for fights years ago, Rampage was there and I guess those two are good friends.
00:10:19.000
So I was going from like different areas in like this mini group with Rampage and every time somebody wanted a picture with him, they put their arm around his shoulder and every time he would throw their arm off.
00:10:37.000
And they were like, okay, then they'd be like scared for their picture like, huh, like that.
00:10:47.000
By the way, I let people pinch my nipples in pictures with me.
00:10:51.000
So I'm sitting like, so I've witnessed that like ten times, and then we moved to like some bar somewhere, and it's, you know, there's like, I don't know if it's like roped off, people over here, there's a lot of people in the place, but it's like a small group like this, and Rampage is here, and Mayhem comes up,
00:11:07.000
and I don't know that they know each other, I don't know the relationship, and he immediately grabs him by the throat, like Mayhem, and he goes like, ah!
00:11:15.000
But for a split second, I saw, like, all this just split, like, violence come into Randall's eyes.
00:11:26.000
He saw him, he was like, you crazy-ass white boy.
00:11:28.000
But, like, for a quick second, he turned, like, just to break him in half.
00:11:34.000
It's more terrifying than any fight I've seen, man.
00:11:44.000
Rampage had some epic fights in Pride, too, before he ever even came to the UFC. He has the all-time greatest slam knockout ever.
00:12:08.000
He just picked him up and then BAM! Yeah, this is like...
00:12:14.000
The dude went for the triangle, but he was elevated.
00:12:20.000
So in the video, he went for the triangle and Rampage elevated, like he lifted him up, and the dude held onto the triangle, which you just can't do.
00:12:29.000
See, when he's up like that, you gotta let go of the triangle.
00:12:34.000
He's the greatest slam KO ever in the history of sport.
00:12:59.000
This is the worst slam I've ever seen in my life out of all my years of watching fights.
00:13:23.000
Arona was like a serious contender before that fight.
00:13:26.000
Tate slammed me once in that gym that was downtown.
00:13:28.000
They had a little Octagon, one of the t-shirt companies.
00:13:36.000
And I was like, show me what a slam looks like.
00:13:48.000
Yeah, you gotta learn how to fall before you do that.
00:13:52.000
Yeah, you gotta kind of, as you're going back, you kind of, like, relax and kind of slap the mat to dissipate some of the energy from the impact.
00:14:00.000
They roll, and as they're rolling back, they slap the mat.
00:14:05.000
Yeah, it literally helps relieve some of the energy of you hitting the ground.
00:14:15.000
I was doing this scene in this Kevin James movie.
00:14:21.000
And in this scene, me and Kevin James are chasing each other, and I'm whipping him with this antenna or something like that, a flag.
00:14:28.000
And as I'm hitting him with this stick with the flag, I hit the brakes.
00:14:45.000
And Kevin and I have known each other since we were like super early 20s, so it was like really fun, silly.
00:14:52.000
Kevin likes shit like that, where you slip, like you don't get good on the bike.
00:14:58.000
There's like a loop reel, if you could see me flying off the bike.
00:15:05.000
Yeah, if you press the front brake, you're supposed to brake with the rear.
00:15:09.000
You're not supposed to brake with the front, but I'm holding the handlebar with my left side, and I'm hitting them like this, and I just hit that fucking thing and go over the top.
00:15:18.000
Yeah, but because I'm used to grappling and rolling around a lot, I was fine.
00:15:25.000
One time I went all the way over and I had to catch myself on my hands.
00:15:30.000
I was like, ooh, this one might break some shit.
00:15:35.000
Oh yeah, it fell like three fucking times, man.
00:15:56.000
One of them, I went and I flew off to the left and rolled in this, like, grass hillside.
00:16:05.000
That was the one they wind up using in the movie.
00:16:10.000
They had a stunt guy in a cushion, and he was gonna fly over the handlebars, but I just fucked it up on my own.
00:16:14.000
Poor stunt guy's watching you doing it, going, how am I gonna fucking top that?
00:16:19.000
He took one of those bikes, he actually knew how to ride, and he jumped an entire flight of stairs that leads down to the Boston Common.
00:16:27.000
They set up a ramp, and this dude comes whipping around the corner.
00:16:41.000
Dude, I could have broke some shit and I was going like three miles an hour or something.
00:17:11.000
You ever see those videos they put on a GoPro on their helmet and they freak you the fuck out?
00:17:16.000
And there's death to the right and death to the left.
00:17:24.000
Oh, dude, just watching it, I get fucking excited.
00:17:28.000
Like bombing a hill on a skateboard, you ever done that?
00:17:33.000
I've done it recently, and there is a moment where you're like, oh, this is...
00:17:47.000
No, but it's called Thrill Hill is what me and the girls call it.
00:18:00.000
We're riding back from a party, and I go, hey, let's bomb through a hill.
00:18:08.000
It's like back, it's like back, it's like, you know.
00:18:17.000
Okay, but how do you slow one of these things down?
00:18:33.000
I was dragging my stick because I didn't realize how steep it was because it's not this steep.
00:18:41.000
You know they do this on open roads like when cars are driving on the roads.
00:18:50.000
For the people listening, we're watching this guy whiz down this hill, like masterfully on a skateboard.
00:19:04.000
That looks awesome, but one of the reasons why- Sean Woolery is his name.
00:19:11.000
One of the reasons why it's so awesome is because the consequences of fucking up are so large.
00:19:15.000
There's a split second where you're going- and by the way, this hill is nothing.
00:19:22.000
But on a skateboard- I just assumed I do it on the bike all the time and it's not that aggressive and I start going down this hill and I start picking up speed and I realize oh I just signed a contract that I can't renegotiate.
00:19:34.000
I'm going and I have my stick with me so I start dragging my stick and I'm just shredding the stick and then I'm like oh my god I've got a fucking because by the way When I do it, I usually go ahead of them and check the cross street to make sure there's no cars.
00:19:49.000
But I'm like, oh fuck, I didn't think this through.
00:19:51.000
So I jumped off and ran, blew out a flip-flop, ran out.
00:20:09.000
But luckily, I have six pairs of this flip-flop because I love them so much.
00:20:17.000
And by the way, obviously, the rest of the trip home, one flip-flop, stick-shredded, is obviously all uphill.
00:20:36.000
The problem is that the risk is so fucking monumental.
00:21:01.000
The only thing worse than speed wobbles is whiskey throttle.
00:21:06.000
Like when it comes to speed, you know what whiskey throttle is?
00:21:09.000
Whiskey throttle is when you punch it and you get scared and your natural reaction is to hold it punched.
00:21:19.000
Yeah, when you want to punch it and break, but you're just like, wait, what am I pressing on?
00:21:25.000
We took snowmobiles into a lake one time, and we had this guy Nacho, and he was the first guy to do it, and all they're saying is, when you turn, lean a certain way, and then you'll go the other way.
00:21:39.000
They're like, but you've got to keep it fast, and he punches it on the lake, and whiskey throttles it all the way across the lake into a fucking tree.
00:21:51.000
This is the guy I'm taking on a trip of a lifetime.
00:22:09.000
Or the brake, rather, and they're hitting the gas.
00:22:15.000
Yeah, it was like a LaFerrari or Enzo or something.
00:22:32.000
I had speed wobbles in East Timor going down a highway and being on a really bad road for a while, so I got some good road.
00:22:47.000
And then hitting a bump, and another one, and then go, fuck, fuck, fuck, I'm down, I'm down.
00:22:51.000
And then I was just like, I don't know how I managed to save it, but it was...
00:22:54.000
Like that lady, when you start the heavy wobbles, you're out of control.
00:22:58.000
You overcompensate every shift in until you're done.
00:23:04.000
I always think riding motorcycles is so much fucking fun because it really allows you to feel truly vulnerable.
00:23:12.000
Like, I go in 70 miles per hour on an interstate in a fucking motorcycle.
00:23:20.000
Like, you can stick your head out a window, but it's nothing compared to, like, fucking flying and a car flies by you and you're like...
00:23:33.000
So we get there and lightning starts striking like 10 miles away from us.
00:23:38.000
And so we're flying, trying to race a thunderstorm home through Crow Nation in, I think, in Montana.
00:23:59.000
Like a mountain road somewhere where people drive slow.
00:24:13.000
He used to have one of those Honda VTEC things.
00:24:17.000
I think he has that BMW all-world, all-terrain bike now.
00:24:30.000
Whatever the top competition is for those guys, off-road, I think he has that bike.
00:24:34.000
He used to have this bike, Alonzo's Garage, off Alonzo Bowden.
00:24:47.000
He's got a bunch of triumphs and shit, but he had this thing a few years back that was a Yamaha.
00:25:12.000
I think Doc from the Dayton Funny Bone had one.
00:25:26.000
I'm trying to remember what the fucking motorcycle was.
00:25:30.000
It was just, I don't know shit about motorcycles.
00:25:33.000
If it was a car, I'd be able to remember it perfectly.
00:25:39.000
It's some Japanese bike, but it was a giant cruiser, and it had this enormous engine.
00:25:47.000
And I was like, whoa, dude, you're riding some Tron machine.
00:25:51.000
That's a scary twitch muscle in your brain to allow.
00:26:08.000
Not like a 7 Series, not like a tricked out one, not a sport edition, just like a sedan.
00:26:14.000
Oh, dude, the regular BMWs, like a regular 3 Series BMW, is a better handling sports car than anything of like 30 years ago.
00:26:23.000
Just a regular one without any modifications, stock.
00:26:27.000
Dude, I find myself putting it in sport mode and fucking flying.
00:26:31.000
And you told me, you were like, you have no idea I go from Oxnard to LA in 30 minutes.
00:26:45.000
You gotta find out what the fuck that thing is called.
00:26:47.000
Because there's an overhead of them that's even more preposterous.
00:26:57.000
It's like literally wider than my body, the side of this motorcycle.
00:27:04.000
It's essentially like this enormous engine on this super wide, heavy, cruising motorcycle that just has stupendous power.
00:27:17.000
Chiefs, the big fucking bags and the steering wheels out here.
00:27:22.000
I was flying through the Talladega National Forest just the beginning of autumn listening to the Leonard Skinner on my headsets just going, man, where's the whiskey?
00:27:31.000
A little bit of applause for doing that would be perfect.
00:27:34.000
If you could trust everybody to keep their shit together, it would be awesome to ride a motorcycle, but you can't.
00:27:52.000
By the way, those things get fucking hot as shit.
00:27:55.000
Because you have an engine in between your legs.
00:27:59.000
First time I rode one, I was like, I think I don't have something unlocked because it's hot as fucking crap.
00:28:24.000
See if you can Google Honda VMAX. Do you want me to text Alonzo?
00:28:51.000
I think, yeah, please do call him because this is getting boring for people just listening and trying to figure out what the...
00:28:58.000
What are the odds that Alonzo has the same number from when I got it?
00:29:12.000
Alonzo, that is the worst voicemail message I've ever heard in my life.
00:29:24.000
You had some crazy, large, touring, super powerful Japanese bike.
00:29:29.000
Or maybe my memory is shit from all the years of marijuana.
00:29:37.000
You were in the bathroom and you're like, that's a big motorcycle.
00:29:56.000
I think the other bike was an even crazier bike than this.
00:30:00.000
I think this town is terrifying to ride those in, though.
00:30:04.000
Everybody who drives one here and rides one here is like, it's just crazy.
00:30:11.000
And all they see when they drive by is people doing this shit.
00:30:17.000
When you're on a bike, you see it more clearly.
00:30:20.000
You see, like, fucking three things ahead of you going, like, this motherfucker's not looking, they're not looking, goddammit, they're gonna pull out.
00:30:27.000
It is, it is, and I think, and I'll say this, I'm a very limited motorcycle driver, rider, obviously, but, like, I think that's what makes it enjoyable because you're truly in the moment.
00:30:39.000
You don't think about bills or fucking percentage deals.
00:30:45.000
I want to take it up through the canyons out to Malibu, up Malibu to Neptune's Nest, and then take it home on a Sunday morning when everyone's asleep.
00:30:54.000
Except the drunks that are just coming home on Adderall, coked up, shit decisions, screaming at someone on the phone.
00:31:01.000
You're going to feel that clarity 90 days sober, which we've got coming up.
00:31:13.000
I would like to hear what you fellows have been thinking.
00:31:18.000
I think some of us were speaking big when the texas were gone.
00:31:20.000
You will die if you go 90 days without drinking.
00:31:26.000
When is the longest you've ever gone without drinking?
00:31:41.000
Probably the longest I've ever done, six months.
00:31:50.000
And I did six months, and then we were in Italy, and it was snowing in Venice, and we were having dinner, and I said, this is fucking stupid.
00:32:01.000
And Leanne looked at me, and she's like, you don't have a drinking problem.
00:32:27.000
Dude, I might be making up a fucking crazy motorcycle in my head.
00:32:33.000
I think there was some weird cruising motorcycle that Alonzo had.
00:32:40.000
But yeah, I did six months and then I started drinking again.
00:32:56.000
I can do like a 17-day chunk, but then the road starts back up.
00:33:04.000
On the road, I've got to be dead honest with you.
00:33:12.000
He said I'm going to be totally honest with you.
00:33:14.000
I thought you were talking about being habitual.
00:33:19.000
So I remember Tom one time, I was like, yeah, I went out with the staff and he's like, do you drink every night on the road?
00:33:27.000
Because it is difficult for me to go back to a hotel room on the road and just sit there.
00:33:34.000
And be like, my night's done, I'm done thinking.
00:33:41.000
I feel like you guys are all doing much bigger venues than me, so I'm doing more shows.
00:33:45.000
I do not want to hear myself fucking talk or think of anything.
00:33:50.000
That's the exact right time for it, if you're going to do that.
00:33:54.000
You could just go over some ideas in your head, and it seems like once you get into it, it's fun.
00:34:01.000
There's this weird thing where writing kind of tries to...
00:34:05.000
It's like your brain starts to think of it as this horrible task, like you have to clean out a latrine or something.
00:34:11.000
Your brain starts looking at it like, oh my god, I can't believe I have to do this.
00:34:14.000
But if you could just get past that, once you're actually writing, it's really fun.
00:34:18.000
There's some weird psychological shit going on with resistance to writing.
00:34:32.000
So, like, my majority of writing I do now is how do I connect things that are good that don't have a connection?
00:34:44.000
I'm not writing new material for the next hour.
00:34:52.000
But if you want to write, you should just write.
00:34:55.000
One of the beautiful things about writing is that if you don't have a guideline, and you just have an idea, and you just let that idea start spilling out of your head, shit will come out that you didn't expect, and that shit can become more.
00:35:08.000
But if you don't sit down and do that, then it doesn't happen.
00:35:12.000
You'll have some things that'll happen sometimes.
00:35:14.000
You'll have some things that'll happen with friends.
00:35:18.000
There's some things that'll happen, but the things that won't happen are the things that happen when you're sitting in front of that computer, because that is individual time Focused only on the idea.
00:35:27.000
Not thinking about killing with the crowd, not thinking about making sure that the show closes well and ends well.
00:35:35.000
All the bullshit that goes on in your head when you're actually doing a bit or when you're actually performing a set.
00:35:39.000
When you sit there alone with a pad or a computer or whatever the fuck you do to write, or even if you just like to do it in a tape recorder, you're thinking About all these ideas in a way that you're not going to do any other way.
00:35:51.000
So if you don't do it, I mean you can definitely get by on not doing it.
00:35:58.000
But there's a big difference in my act between when I do it and when I don't do it.
00:36:03.000
I mean, obviously I write because I have a new hour that I'm taping in February.
00:36:10.000
I wrote a book like that, and it was taxing on me.
00:36:12.000
Like, when I wrote my book, sitting down every day at the computer and just typing out an idea, what I do is I get on the treadmill, I have a pad on there, and I will think through a story, or I'll think through a joke, and then I'll...
00:36:26.000
And then I'll take those beats and I'll move them over to my book.
00:36:29.000
Well, hey man, any way you're doing it is great.
00:36:31.000
I mean, you don't have to do it in a way that you have to sit in front of a computer or have to sit in front of a pad.
00:36:36.000
I said if you want to record it, you can just record it by talking into it.
00:36:41.000
The idea is just working and thinking about whatever you're doing.
00:36:47.000
For me, the best way possible seems to be a combination of having my phone right there.
00:36:52.000
With the notes feature on, with the voice activated, voice, whatever it is, detecting, translating.
00:37:01.000
I have that nearby, just in case a real quick one comes into my head, I gotta get it down.
00:37:07.000
It's pretty good, but I don't want to miss a beat of how I'm saying something.
00:37:12.000
So if I say something into a text, or maybe if it's really important to say it with a certain tone, I'll say it into the memo, the voice memo thing.
00:37:24.000
Listen it right back and then try to work it into a chunk that you do on stage.
00:37:30.000
What I do in terms of getting the segues or whatever is I try to do the bits in different orders as much as I can.
00:37:37.000
And then instead of opening with the same thing, change what you open with around.
00:37:47.000
See, I just got a crew to shoot two shows in Denver on Sunday night.
00:37:53.000
So I recorded two different hours in Denver for what I'm working on.
00:37:57.000
And then I'll go through those and I'll chunk the bits out.
00:38:01.000
I mean, I think we all think probably very differently.
00:38:06.000
I think I'm a little more obsessive compulsive and I chew on ideas constantly.
00:38:11.000
Like today on the treadmill, I thought I figured out a way to link this joke about my dad with this dream I had.
00:38:16.000
Because I never liked telling jokes about a dream I had.
00:38:26.000
And then on the treadmill, I started figuring it out.
00:38:27.000
And then I hop off the treadmill, and I write it down on a piece of paper.
00:38:32.000
The time you're spending where you're just thinking about something is writing.
00:38:38.000
I hear a lot of people say they have some of the best ideas.
00:38:48.000
I do it at a four for at least 30 minutes with that notepad, and I just write it down.
00:38:53.000
Walking for something, I learned in New York, it would trigger the way I thought.
00:38:56.000
Yeah, it changes your sights when you look at different things.
00:38:58.000
Like a hardware store, it makes your mind wander to something.
00:39:00.000
Yeah, that's why I think they try to get you to go outside and do it, like go on a hike.
00:39:04.000
And then when you're doing that, those ideas will pop into your head.
00:39:11.000
I know a lot of people, they'll write physically, and then they'll think about what they wrote when they go on a walk.
00:39:16.000
I had a really good writing session walking through at Target.
00:39:28.000
When I mishear things, those are sometimes the funniest fucking things in the world.
00:39:33.000
Well, let's talk about what your current drinking status is.
00:39:37.000
Because to get into the approach, can you recap what an average week is like?
00:39:43.000
Okay, first of all, this isn't an intervention.
00:39:47.000
You're about to have interventions for your friends, though.
00:39:49.000
I was very nervous about doing this for that very reason.
00:39:52.000
I was thinking, okay, did I suggest no booze for 90 days because I didn't think you could possibly do it?
00:40:01.000
By the way, I'll read the chat text because it is funny, and I will say Ari was the best.
00:40:22.000
Well, it was like, you thought you were going to be able to do a marathon at the time it took...
00:40:26.000
You're getting the treadmill once in a while, you fucking idiot.
00:40:29.000
He thought he could do a marathon in the same time it took us to do a podcast.
00:40:39.000
Super skinny dudes who are just ripped to the fucking bone.
00:40:51.000
It's just such a delusional perspective on physical fitness.
00:40:55.000
Like, if you run a five-hour marathon, I'd be super impressed.
00:41:33.000
I say he looks terrible, but not as bad as he looked before.
00:41:40.000
I have never run a marathon, but I've never run.
00:41:41.000
So you can't say I've run a marathon easy, because it's preposterous, right?
00:41:44.000
Have you ever run when you're not looking at a TV? Like, off a treadmill?
00:41:48.000
I haven't done a street run in a really long time.
00:41:53.000
You're fake running on a machine that does have to work for you.
00:41:56.000
If the machine comes towards you, you just have to lift your legs up.
00:41:59.000
I can tell you exactly what would happen in a marathon.
00:42:12.000
I think right around there, he would go, you're right.
00:42:16.000
By the way, by the way, by the way, let's double up on this.
00:42:21.000
Let's figure out a drinking bet, and then let's figure out a marathon bet.
00:42:24.000
By the way, I just texted with a guy the other day, my buddy Galvin from Cowboys Show, and he's like, if you can run 12 miles, you can definitely run a marathon.
00:42:40.000
There's not a fucking chance in the world you saying, I could run a marathon easy is an accurate statement.
00:42:55.000
When you're 285 pounds and you're out there running on the street...
00:43:19.000
It's hard to do, that's why it's called a fucking marathon.
00:43:20.000
Wait, you're not even going to concede that it's hard to do?
00:43:35.000
You stand in front of your treadmill and the treadmill moves towards you and you lift your legs up.
00:43:42.000
You're lifting your legs up and it's moving towards you.
00:43:44.000
And the treadmill keeps going while you're off making a fucking Tito's and Soda.
00:43:53.000
I walk a quarter mile, I run three quarters of a mile.
00:43:59.000
You want to run a fucking marathon, you walk a quarter...
00:44:04.000
But when you run a quarter, you sprint it, right?
00:44:08.000
He runs five feet, and then he takes breaks and drinks box wine.
00:44:17.000
He had a box wine thing set up on his treadmill.
00:44:20.000
He was drinking a box of wine while he was running.
00:44:23.000
Wait, would your approach to the marathon right now be?
00:44:32.000
Dude, you need, for your treadmill, you need above you, like a gerbil feeder so you can drink while you're running?
00:44:39.000
This all started because the guy you guys are claiming that is not a runner had a profile written about him on Runner's World.
00:44:52.000
Ari would write a profile about how he hates running, but he gets it.
00:44:58.000
He'll write a whole story about how you are definitely better than him, but I'm still not running.
00:45:02.000
In terms of the average marathon times, the median average marathon was 420. I can't do 420. First of all, that's the finishing time, and that's medium.
00:45:09.000
I couldn't do 420. But dude, these are fucking people that are in really good shape.
00:45:14.000
That's also taking into account the Boston Marathon, which is super hard.
00:45:19.000
People that are in really good shape, that's what I'm saying.
00:45:23.000
These people don't weigh 278. There shouldn't be any pause here.
00:45:27.000
There shouldn't be pause here and confusion as to whether or not you're in really good shape.
00:45:32.000
There's no way in the world you're finishing a marathon.
00:45:34.000
But hold on, you can't say you're in really good shape.
00:45:36.000
Were you attempting to say you're in really good shape?
00:45:40.000
I'm going to get my feelings hurt if you say you're in really good shape.
00:45:48.000
Let's just put the parameters down and then just pretend you think I'm not lying right now.
00:45:56.000
On the thing that's moving towards you and you lift your feet up.
00:46:01.000
And I'll tell you what, I'll go out and I'll run five in the road and if I notice a big difference, I will say...
00:46:07.000
Hey, listen, Bert, I'm not in really good shape.
00:46:19.000
Because I know actual people that are in really good shape.
00:46:28.000
That's an important thing when you're discussing all these possibilities.
00:46:34.000
I ran a 5k drunk one time and beat half of the fucking field.
00:46:41.000
Me and Matt Fultron, we thought it was a pub crawl.
00:46:47.000
Now, those are the same people that would run a marathon.
00:46:51.000
Yeah, and they came there for a radio station pub crawl.
00:46:57.000
It was an actual 5K that I thought was a pub crawl, so I drank five beers before it thinking we would be getting buzzed, and it was a fucking 5K, and I beat half the fucking people.
00:47:07.000
It's over three miles, I mean, because I'm a runner, I know these things.
00:47:10.000
When you say you're in good shape, literally, the shape of you is bad.
00:47:18.000
We're all going to have different versions of what we think good shape is.
00:47:21.000
Well, you can't have a low bar when you're talking about reality.
00:47:25.000
You're not allowed a low bar when you talk about things like shape.
00:47:37.000
I was like, maybe I should take a video and show them what I'm running.
00:47:44.000
I ran three miles this morning because we had to drain our pool.
00:47:48.000
There's no benefit whatsoever to exaggerating fitness levels.
00:48:01.000
But you are in good shape for somebody that's in terrible shape.
00:48:13.000
But if we could get you to do those things and not drink, you would be an immeasurably healthier person.
00:48:22.000
Do you think that that would be something that you would want to do?
00:48:53.000
I like how your hair there forms an equator around your belly.
00:49:02.000
Could you weigh yourself at the doctor, or did they have to bring in other scales in order to get all of you?
00:49:07.000
Did you velcro the top of your pants into your pubic hair?
00:49:14.000
Oh, hey, pull up a picture of Tom, why don't we?
00:49:26.000
But that's cirrhosis of the liver for sure, right?
00:49:37.000
There's no way he'll last until 54. Tom doesn't look bad there.
00:49:50.000
Well, if he had a beard there, his head would be twice as large.
00:50:02.000
Yeah, I guess like 195. Oh, this is killing me.
00:50:06.000
This is making me regret ever texting you guys that article.
00:50:27.000
I'm running no less than five miles on a day like today is a little bit of a difference.
00:50:33.000
When are you proposing that the marathon take place?
00:50:50.000
First of all, I need you to back me up a tad bit.
00:50:55.000
I've always conceded that you are a great natural runner for a fat guy.
00:51:18.000
Like, first of all, is everybody jumping in on this?
00:51:22.000
No, no, no, this is all pile on Bert, and Bert's got to prove he's not a liar.
00:51:25.000
Because you said you could beat us in a marathon!
00:51:27.000
I can definitely beat you, and I can definitely beat Tom.
00:51:34.000
I would have to put a lot of time into running.
00:51:39.000
I don't know if I have the resources to do that right now.
00:51:40.000
So another idea I had that I pitched to you a little while ago was what if we did a one-day decathlon-style event where it's multiple, like you have like seven activities.
00:51:53.000
I will tell you that since I dorm on our treadmill, I bike around a lot.
00:51:57.000
So if we did a decathlon thing, then no, you would have no chance of still finishing.
00:52:04.000
I mean, trust me, some sort of like putt-putt was one of the events.
00:52:07.000
And then we'd have something heavy there, so you couldn't do that.
00:52:11.000
Oh, maybe though you'd dominate if we had some sort of eating contest.
00:52:17.000
I'd dominate if you guys had to do what I did the night before.
00:52:41.000
The bet is we're coming up with something physical, some type of physical competition, and then how long we're going to go totally sober for.
00:52:55.000
If I'm going to be real about everything, if you guys are going to be real, I'll be with you.
00:53:03.000
Thank you for quitting before we started and coming off these ridiculous statements.
00:53:10.000
Whatever we agree to, you're definitely going to be wearing a scram cam.
00:53:20.000
Everybody else is on honor code, but Bert has to wear a scram cam.
00:53:33.000
There's gotta be some cops that listen that would hook us up.
00:53:48.000
I'd be down to do something, but the problem with running a marathon is I think to do a marathon right without really fucking your body up, you should build towards it.
00:54:00.000
I'm not averse to a challenge, but I'm not interested in destroying my body.
00:54:06.000
If you're gonna do a marathon, I feel like you should give yourself some time and run.
00:54:23.000
I completed it, but it was way tougher than I thought it was gonna be.
00:54:27.000
I showed up because of my fucking Thanksgiving A couple years ago in Cincinnati and agreed to a 10k with no training.
00:54:48.000
It's not good that I can't run three miles and not be in agony.
00:54:57.000
See, that's my argument, too, is that I think that what people are worried about is two things.
00:55:00.000
One, this traditional running shoe where you have the big fat heel at the bottom and you land on your heel.
00:55:09.000
Yeah, you're not supposed to run and land on your heels.
00:55:12.000
You're supposed to run and land on the ball of your foot.
00:55:14.000
And your foot and the strength of your foot and your calf and all that shit decelerates your stride.
00:55:23.000
But somewhere along the line, Nike came up with this fat heel, and they changed the way people run.
00:55:33.000
You're supposed to run on your toe and put your heel down.
00:55:35.000
On the toe, on the ball of your feet, on the ball of your feet.
00:55:37.000
A lot of what I wear is like things like these.
00:55:41.000
There's just like this thin rubber that would protect you from stepping on hard sticks and shit.
00:55:50.000
And like by walking in stuff that you're supposed to walk in, your feet get stronger.
00:55:55.000
Do you continuously run like when you're on those hills?
00:56:01.000
And it's like they're so thin that the other day it was so hot out that my feet got hot.
00:56:07.000
I could feel the heat of the ground coming through the sole.
00:56:14.000
He's a better man than I. I bought a pair of those.
00:56:17.000
When I saw you had them, I bought a pair, and I thought that would help.
00:56:21.000
And then, like, the very next week, I was on the beach, and I was like, you know what?
00:56:24.000
Man, I woke up, my feet were so fucking sore in places I didn't even know I had muscles.
00:56:28.000
We don't usually use our feet correctly because our feet are in these hard sneakers, and the hard sneakers act as like a cast.
00:56:52.000
Not like you not being conditioned for them injury.
00:56:55.000
There's a bunch of injuries that you absolutely can get.
00:57:00.000
Their claims were ruled to be, either they settled or there was enough ambiguity in what they were claiming.
00:57:08.000
What they were trying to say is that they help you somehow or another from injuries.
00:57:14.000
Overall, in the long run, but you gotta condition yourself to wear those fucking things.
00:57:20.000
Like, Neil Brennan blew out his, uh, plantar fasciitis, both of his feet for fucked up for a year.
00:57:30.000
Like, you have to do a lot of shit barefoot to build up all those muscles inside your feet.
00:57:40.000
Somebody had told me I had to do stretches to like...
00:57:51.000
Same thing that happened to Neil happened to me.
00:58:15.000
And he goes in with his knuckle into the muscle or to the tendon and breaks up the fascia.
00:58:28.000
There was a sign on the ceiling that you're looking at that says, don't worry, go to the light.
00:58:36.000
I called you the second I got done because I walked out of that place in flip-flops and went, I can fucking walk.
00:58:46.000
I was like, hey, can you tweet about my date in Portland?
00:58:55.000
Ricky the Rolfer sounds like a name for a character in a Tim and Eric show.
00:59:06.000
Dominic Cruz got that when he came back after his surgery.
00:59:11.000
His feet are all taped up now whenever he fights.
00:59:20.000
Something's fucking happening to my butt right now.
00:59:21.000
If you roll your toes in the beginning of the day, too, when you're lying in bed, if this is your foot, you just do this.
00:59:48.000
295 pounds for three is pretty impressive, dude.
00:59:50.000
15, 18. I love how we buy into the propaganda of buns, but we're honest.
01:00:16.000
One of the things I liked about the challenge that Tom and I did was that people got into it as well and could do it with us.
01:00:21.000
And they started shaming each other, and that's the one thing, the feedback that I've gotten from it, is from people like, dude, me and my buddy started fat shaming each other.
01:00:29.000
Do you feel like the booze option of taking booze off the table for 90 months, or 90 days, rather?
01:00:44.000
That was like you on the PCH in a motorcycle, and you see a guy texting.
01:00:49.000
For you doing that for 90 days is just too daunting.
01:00:53.000
But is it because you appreciate the feeling that being drunk gives you?
01:01:05.000
I will bring a cocktail on stage with me, but I never perform drunk.
01:01:11.000
And you can ask anyone that's ever seen me perform.
01:01:13.000
I have a Tito's and Soda on stage with me, and I barely touch it.
01:01:16.000
I feel like there's definitely some tweets coming in like, I saw you hammered it.
01:01:22.000
Here's one thing that I've absolutely promised I've never done and never will do.
01:01:34.000
I was like, no, I'm not going to drink a fake shot.
01:01:37.000
I think it became a necessity for some people, though, right?
01:01:40.000
Some dude did that to me, and I don't remember where it was.
01:01:43.000
And he just looked at me, and I drank, and I go, what the fuck was that?
01:01:55.000
I go, you go back there and you get yourself some Jack Daniels.
01:02:02.000
Some people would request that, and they would be like, we're partying here, fuckers!
01:02:07.000
My rule is, don't send me shots to stage, because I can't not do them.
01:02:17.000
Like, people, when I go out on the road, for them, that might be their party for the month.
01:02:22.000
And so, I get offered so many shots, I think it would blow you away.
01:02:29.000
Like, how many fireball, how many, just vodka shots get sent to the stage bars?
01:02:33.000
What would happen if you left the club, just like right after the show and went back to your room?
01:02:42.000
I tried to do it one time, and the manager was like, hey man, we told everyone that you're going to this bar, it's packed, they're waiting for you.
01:02:53.000
And I got there and then Tito's had sent me a snowboard.
01:02:56.000
And it was like, my meet and greets are a little different because I don't mind hanging.
01:03:00.000
I mean, I know we all don't mind, but I don't mind.
01:03:02.000
I would much rather not do a meet and greet and just go to a bar at the end of the night and just, if you want to come up and tell me that you like the podcast, you love Tommy, or you think Ari's funnier than Tom, whatever.
01:03:17.000
Do you think it's weird that alcohol companies are sending you things?
01:03:25.000
Do you think you should snowboard while you're drinking that shit?
01:03:27.000
Shouldn't they be real clear about that on the packaging?
01:03:31.000
Don't use what we're sending you if you use what we make.
01:03:43.000
Tito sends me, usually the local reps will send me a gift basket in my room.
01:03:49.000
Why don't you make some sort of a deal with them?
01:03:56.000
I drink it because I lost that weight when I was drinking Tito's.
01:04:08.000
And I was like, I don't know how I've gained weight when I'm so much more active and I'm eating less processed food.
01:04:14.000
You gotta switch to a fucking gin and tonic or something.
01:04:18.000
We set up that you said definitely not 90 days.
01:04:34.000
I can't do it because I'm going to Australia and Singapore.
01:04:36.000
My first instinct was, there's no way you're doing that in Australia.
01:04:40.000
Why can't we just start it before you go on the trip?
01:04:45.000
Why do you get on this podcast and pretend like you don't know me better than any old man?
01:04:51.000
If you can do 30 days, you're always going to have an excuse why you're not doing it.
01:05:01.000
I told him about our conversation and he's like, I'll do 30 days.
01:05:06.000
He goes, you got to give me a heads up because I got to carve it out.
01:05:12.000
And actually, he was, like, really excited about it.
01:05:14.000
I can't, because I'm in Singapore on the 9th, Perth on the 11th, Sydney on the 13th, Melbourne on the 14th, Sydney on the 11th, and Brisbane on the 18th.
01:05:24.000
Please, in Sydney and Melbourne, those tickets are moving slower than Tom's were.
01:05:30.000
You couldn't do a night in Singapore, two nights in Singapore on your way from Australia.
01:05:35.000
But you couldn't do one night without getting drunk.
01:06:53.000
By the way, I've come back on 32-ounce Tito's and Zodos.
01:06:57.000
And then in the airport, in the flight together, it was eight.
01:07:02.000
You know for a fact that when we sat down at the thing and the guy recognized me, he didn't even ask what I wanted.
01:07:17.000
And every bartender came by to say hi, because I tip well.
01:07:22.000
I had a period of time where they prescribed me on Xanax, and that got away from me.
01:07:27.000
It literally did, because you get on a plane...
01:07:34.000
Yeah, I'd take one in the morning before the flight, I'd take one on the plane, and then...
01:07:43.000
So you booze it up on flights home as well as flights there?
01:07:52.000
So we're down to 60 days is what you're saying to me.
01:08:07.000
He's too much of an animal to just go to the bathroom.
01:08:16.000
We'll just let everybody know that you're peeing.
01:08:23.000
The thing about the difference between a glass of kombucha and a glass of piss is that the piss smells slightly better.
01:08:32.000
If you didn't enjoy the taste of kombucha and you just smelled it for the first time, it's like kimchi.
01:08:37.000
You ever smell kimchi for the first time and you're like, what the fuck is that?
01:08:43.000
You're holding your dick like you're in the middle of a piss.
01:08:57.000
You're plugging your dick into the hole, creating a constriction effect on the piss hole.
01:09:05.000
It's not the first time I pissed in a bottle, Joe.
01:09:08.000
It's not the first time you pissed in a bottle here.
01:09:11.000
You pissed in a bottle the last time you were here.
01:09:25.000
I mean, I'd love to sculpt it so it didn't make it tricky, but I'm at D.C. on the 30th of September.
01:09:35.000
Cross-country flight on the 1st will be my first in a little while.
01:09:40.000
I have done them recently, but that would be my first one on the first.
01:09:52.000
I have Chicago on the 19th to the 21st or 22nd.
01:10:00.000
That's hanging out in Chicago without drinking.
01:10:10.000
I'm doing a college the night before, and I'm sure that the reason I got hired is they all want to hang out with me at a bar afterwards.
01:10:22.000
They don't hire you just because they can drink with you.
01:10:24.000
I got hired for a corporate for a lot of money, and I was like, that doesn't seem right.
01:10:29.000
The guy goes, tell the machine, and let's go to a bar.
01:10:33.000
So I told the machine, and we went to a bar in Aspen.
01:10:36.000
If that's what you guys wanted for that, I'll do it.
01:10:40.000
It's a bunch of millionaires from New York who just are like, we want that fucking guy.
01:10:54.000
I will say that I think sometimes it grates on you where you're like, hey man, I do want to go to bed.
01:11:00.000
Do you ever hear Kinnison talk about when he became famous and he would go to parties and they would go, it's him, it's him!
01:11:10.000
Lay out some crazy line of protein and he would snort it.
01:11:14.000
I forget how the bit went, but he talked about his heart was fucking pounding out of his chest.
01:11:22.000
It's a crazy thing that I get is that people always want to do shots.
01:11:26.000
But when I go to take a sip of a drink, I will drink my legit first drink when I do stand-up when I tell the machine story on the second show.
01:11:34.000
On the second show, when I start that, I go, this is cruise control.
01:11:38.000
I'm going to try to catch a buzz in the middle of the story, and so I'll murder a Double Tito's and Soda, and that's my first drink.
01:11:46.000
Also, to be clear, I've never drank during a show.
01:12:03.000
But here's the tricky part of this challenge, Ari, is that we're doing the Impractical Jokers cruise on the 1st, and Sal, when we started doing this, he went online.
01:12:11.000
Yeah, and was like, hey, please don't do this for our cruise.
01:12:16.000
No, there are guys that bought tickets because they want to party with us.
01:12:19.000
The second party is like, no more weed, no more tripping, you know?
01:12:36.000
My last day of the challenge would be on a fucking plane.
01:12:40.000
You're probably going to spend, I don't know, maybe you're not.
01:12:44.000
First, but I would be landing on Halloween in New Orleans.
01:12:55.000
This episode is brought to you by ScramCam.com.
01:13:05.000
Hey, yo, how do you fudge those scram cam results?
01:13:07.000
So on Halloween, when everyone's lit up and you're going to the airport to go to New Orleans into the fucking heart of darkness, you're going to be able to survive.
01:13:14.000
You're not going to just say, it's close enough.
01:13:34.000
Just pick me up and pick up buns and see who's heavier.
01:13:37.000
And then look over our heads and see who's shorter.
01:13:46.000
You're like talking about something completely different.
01:14:08.000
Right now, there's some people right now, right now super uncomfortable with their own personal weight.
01:14:17.000
You guys are fat shaming, bud, and it's disgusting!
01:14:27.000
Can I tell you the greatest thing about this weight loss in the running is just putting on my shoes.
01:15:01.000
You know what I've always thought though, for real, people that are giant and then lose all their weight, they must have incredible leg muscles.
01:15:15.000
When we did a voiceover, like a cartoon together or something, and we were in the sound booth together, and Tosh is in the other room, and I go, God, man, Eddie, you've got fucking big calves.
01:15:26.000
I said, no, you've got, like, really big calves.
01:15:32.000
And I see Tosh is in the sound booth, and he's laughing hysterically.
01:15:52.000
So, okay, so you must have similar calf muscles then.
01:16:02.000
I wonder if you could, like, do you think people play, like, role-playing games with their spouses and they put those on each other?
01:16:09.000
If I catch you drinking, bitch, you're going to suck this dick.
01:16:29.000
Girls who wear those pantyhose with the elastic band around the top.
01:16:34.000
Why is it hot with the way your pantyhose are connected?
01:16:44.000
I like when you find something that you didn't know is dirty, and then you see it and you go, that's my new...
01:17:22.000
The last porn I saw that really kind of registered me in a new way, I was like, is this thing called the dancing bear?
01:17:45.000
So they come in with a dancing bear who's dancing around, right?
01:17:48.000
And then he goes back, and he comes out, and he's got a big dick, and he's just...
01:17:57.000
He comes out and it's a bachelor party, but there's like 30 girls.
01:18:05.000
Clearly a couple of them are porn stars that he's going to fuck because it's a porn.
01:18:20.000
But what turned me on was when he would join in with one of the paid regulars, and he's just like, he's fucking this girl, and this girl's trying to act, and he puts his finger in her mouth.
01:18:30.000
The look on her face when she went, oh, I guess I'm in this.
01:18:36.000
So this was a girl that wasn't supposed to get fucked, that got fucked?
01:18:47.000
And so all of a sudden, but the look on her face, and then she started sucking his finger.
01:18:51.000
And you're going, oh, this is how a real girl does it.
01:18:56.000
They're a dude jacking off in their cars right now, driving.
01:19:07.000
It's the whole thing I liked about downblousing.
01:19:17.000
Down blousing is videos of girls cleaning toilets in a loose-fitting shirt with no bra and then talking to the camera about inane bullshit like your wife would.
01:19:28.000
But all you're doing is seeing a little bit of nip and you're like, oh, there's tigers in these woods.
01:19:38.000
She's like, hey, we should probably get new trash cans.
01:19:41.000
And you're like, you're watching it, but you're seeing nip.
01:19:44.000
In the video, I'm watching it, and I'm nodding, going, uh-huh, yeah, what, yeah, uh-huh, whatever.
01:19:55.000
And so Leanne and I were joking around in bed talking about this dream I had.
01:19:59.000
And then she goes, let's do this now before it gets hot.
01:20:06.000
Just that little fucking side boob action you see.
01:20:19.000
Have you guys seen those treadmills where you actually do run?
01:20:23.000
It's called like a woodwork or something it's called.
01:20:35.000
They use them in like legit strength and conditioning centers.
01:20:41.000
But this has resistance and it's built like a banana.
01:20:46.000
So it's all entirely on the actual motion of you pushing your body.
01:20:54.000
Because the faster you run, like physically run, the faster it goes.
01:21:07.000
No, like when you read a teleprompter, it goes at your pace.
01:21:14.000
The physical action of you running and pushing it because you're on this slope, that's what makes it go fast.
01:21:21.000
So you don't have to worry about keeping up with it.
01:21:26.000
And it's all a much more natural stride than keeping up with something that's on a mechanism that's having the belt feed towards you.
01:21:34.000
So this is what it looks like when you're running on these things.
01:21:43.000
I will say, in all honesty, I know that we joke, I will say I've been worried about the idea that running on a treadmill is not...
01:22:02.000
It's because he's running on a slight uphill slant.
01:22:05.000
And that's how you're supposed to land on your feet.
01:22:08.000
The body is designed to almost lean forward and you catch yourself on the ball of your feet.
01:22:16.000
When you're running on an uphill slant, you're more likely to do that.
01:22:29.000
And if you live in a place where you can't run hills, I get it.
01:22:32.000
But if you do live in a place that has hills, running hills is the shit, man.
01:22:39.000
You run, put a heart rate monitor on, let yourself get jacked up to a certain heart rate, and take your time, when you get down to 140 beats per minute, start running again.
01:22:51.000
Jack that fucker up again to 190, go as far as you can, let it get down to 140, and if you just keep doing that over and over and over again, you develop so much.
01:23:03.000
The difference between running, if you have the opportunity, we live in a place that has canyons everywhere, man.
01:23:09.000
There's fucking trails everywhere, and they're all steep as shit.
01:23:15.000
If you can get to Runyon and run up that fucking thing, that's a phenomenal workout, man.
01:23:21.000
I will say this, though, and by the way, and I have to say this, I have to give a huge shout out to Cameron Haynes, because when I really started doing all this, I think it was when you met him, and trying to get in shape, and I hear his fucking mottos, and I'm sure he's probably said to himself,
01:23:37.000
you know, I should, whatever, but I hear his mottos, no one cares, work harder.
01:23:41.000
I hear that when I run, sometimes it's inspiration.
01:23:45.000
But I will say that sometimes, and I will say to people like myself, who are not as Good of the shape of Cameron Haynes.
01:23:52.000
Some models could be, no one cares, but don't get injured.
01:23:59.000
If he got injured, he doesn't realize he got injured.
01:24:04.000
Not him, but I mean, people who listen to his inspiration, sometimes I've been like, oh, I should not really try to kill myself because I actually might.
01:24:15.000
Do you think he'd be disappointed that you could not do a marathon?
01:24:19.000
I think if Cameron Haynes and I ran for a day, I think he'd definitely say you could do a marathon.
01:24:27.000
I think he would only be running with you for the first 30 or 40 meters.
01:24:33.000
It would be this preposterous conversation with you talking to a man who's far in the distance.
01:25:06.000
He's got a bunch of these disgusting feet photographs online.
01:25:12.000
So, last year he ran 205 miles, and this year he's prepping for something in October that's the first time they're doing it.
01:25:22.000
Have you ever asked him about the approach that he went from being, let's say, just a guy in shape running to doing the 100 miles?
01:25:28.000
Did he start going like, I'll start doing marathons and then tack on two in a day?
01:25:34.000
Yeah, the first marathon he did was very difficult for sure, but then he started running more.
01:25:38.000
And then one time he beat Lance Armstrong in the Boston Marathon.
01:25:47.000
Lance Armstrong actually started out as a runner.
01:26:03.000
I was like, wow, I know a lot of hills, but fuck!
01:26:08.000
You can't even see his legs moving like he's just a blurb.
01:26:11.000
No, because Lance Armstrong is really good at biking.
01:26:17.000
Can someone please audiograph all of Ari's statements that have done killed me today?
01:26:23.000
That is worth mentioning, that he could beat a biker.
01:26:29.000
And then he started doing crazy ones, then he did a bunch of 100s.
01:26:34.000
Last year he did the Bigfoot 200, which is actually 205 miles.
01:26:38.000
And it's several thousand feet of elevation, too.
01:26:40.000
You're going up, running through the mountains and shit.
01:27:02.000
This thing is, I wonder, like, which incarnation of Lance Armstrong.
01:27:06.000
It's 2008, so it would have been right in the middle of Livestrong.
01:27:20.000
I wonder if maybe he's in his off-season and he was cycling.
01:27:25.000
I wonder what kind of inspiration it was for Cameron to realize your friend with the camera is around the corner and I see Lance Armstrong on my sights.
01:27:36.000
Have you ever done that to a fat chick at the fucking reservoir?
01:27:39.000
And you're like, I'm gonna pass her fucking ho-ho.
01:27:47.000
Do you think people understand that you were talking about running a reservoir?
01:27:51.000
Everybody's like, what the fuck is he talking about?
01:27:54.000
I thought you meant having sex with a girl in high school.
01:27:56.000
But wouldn't you think that, like, the people at home that don't live near reservoirs don't know that people run around reservoirs in L.A.? I didn't know.
01:28:05.000
We're like, let's just run around a fucking big pool.
01:28:17.000
That and the L.A. River are the perfect examples of how fake L.A. is.
01:28:32.000
Have you seen it in a big rainstorm, though, and walked past it and stopped?
01:28:35.000
And stopped, and you're like, wow, that's our river.
01:28:48.000
It does get full blast sometimes when we do need that.
01:28:51.000
Like last year, last year got fucking crazy with the amount of water.
01:29:10.000
The Salton Sea was a place that they created by opening up the Colorado River, and they literally made a giant inland sea, and it was good for a little while.
01:29:21.000
It was good for a little while until the runoff from all these farms, from all this, like, giant, large-scale agriculture, all the chemicals and all the pesticides would get in the runoff, and then it got into the water and poisoned everything, and there's mass fished To the point where,
01:29:37.000
before this, they were calling it the Inland Riviera, like California's Inland Riviera.
01:29:43.000
And Sonny Bono used to go there, and all these people used to party there, and it was like this big resort location.
01:29:50.000
Now, there are beaches that there's so many dead fish bones that the white of the beach sand is actually fish skeleton.
01:30:04.000
There's still fish there and there's still people there because it's an enormous piece of water.
01:30:11.000
So they have these mass die-offs where there's like no oxygen in the water or pollutants in the water.
01:30:20.000
But there's still people that fish in that water and there's still people that eat those fish.
01:30:31.000
There's a Val Kilmer movie called Salt and Sea.
01:30:35.000
But the documentaries, what's fascinating is they interview the people that live in the surrounding communities, which are the remnants of what they thought was going to be like these people that lived around the resorts.
01:30:58.000
Sonny Bono, before he died, wanted to develop some sort of desalinization, like filtration system.
01:31:08.000
Yeah, because he remembers what it was like when he was a kid.
01:31:12.000
But in that John Waters movie, when John Waters narrates his movie, you get to see the despair that's in the community now.
01:31:43.000
That fucking mayor thing you did, I don't know why that's not a TV show.
01:31:55.000
He just did a fucking short film where he's just, it's fucking hilarious.
01:32:22.000
Look, when there's five candidates for police commissioner and one of them's named Gordon, your decision suddenly becomes very easy.
01:32:42.000
If every kid in Detroit could get crack, we could catch up to the Chinese with this stuff.
01:32:50.000
You know, Hank, my only regret is that you weren't able to sneak the word crack in a few more times.
01:32:53.000
As king of Detroit, I hereby declare today Crack Day!
01:33:02.000
Yeah, and then they actually, but we made this a little while ago, and then they actually did a feature about it, where they straight up just did it on him.
01:33:16.000
Did you ever see when he got coked up and he was talking about fighting people, that he was like Mike Tyson and he would jump on them and beat their ass?
01:33:21.000
Oh, I've seen, we watched a lot of Did you see the one where he did it, like, at Town Hall?
01:33:30.000
And they're like, uh, just ask, they didn't ask him specifically about this.
01:33:33.000
He goes, and by the way, I did not tell that lady I'm going to eat her pussy, okay?
01:33:45.000
And then he turns to the camera, and the reporter's like, oh, shit.
01:34:07.000
Unfortunately, I have to take legal action against Isaac Granson and George Christopoulos and Mark Toohey.
01:34:14.000
I have to take legal action against the waiter that said I was doing limes at the beer market.
01:34:23.000
But it hurts my wife when they're calling a friend of mine a I'm the last one to take legal action.
01:34:52.000
And the next thing, I want to call Mayor Britannia in Hamilton and tell him that we're going to have to spank the little I just said that.
01:35:08.000
After I'm married, I've got more than enough to be at home.
01:35:14.000
That's Mic Drop, greatest fucking male interview of all time.
01:35:20.000
You know, he died and there was no coverage of that.
01:35:50.000
Well, I think that guy was, that and Brexit were two, like, if you look at history, if you go back and look at, like, the reign of Trump, like, when Trump became president, and you look at that and Brexit, like, those two things happening, that opens the...
01:36:06.000
Anything almost can happen, given the right set of circumstances.
01:36:10.000
Given people getting cocky, someone thinking they're way more appealing than they actually are, looking at an alternative, someone's charismatic, they jump in and they can be crazy.
01:36:20.000
It's like these small town politicians getting big.
01:36:25.000
That's what I think is the best thing about our current chaos, politically.
01:36:29.000
I think people need to understand that this can happen.
01:36:33.000
Do you think about how, like, I know some of it is just PR stuff, like how 2020 might shape up, at least with, it could possibly be celebrities being like, hey, I'm gonna do this too.
01:36:45.000
Look, Donald Trump is obviously, he's got a long history of being successful at, you know, being a television host, being a guy who's a great interview on a talk show.
01:36:58.000
There's a long history of knowing how to kind of work the crowd in a certain way.
01:37:02.000
It only makes sense that someone like that eventually get in.
01:37:05.000
What I said, the way I described it, I was like, you had a popularity contest, and an actually popular person entered.
01:37:13.000
Like, most of these guys are popular for politicians.
01:37:25.000
Like, when those little hot moments with him and all those different candidates, he comes up with nicknames for them.
01:37:36.000
But now you realize, like, hey, probably nobody should be doing that job.
01:37:40.000
It's probably too big of a job for any one human being.
01:37:44.000
And this guy's doing it, and he's doing it because he won a popularity contest.
01:37:54.000
You're not talking about the most qualified people by any stretch of the imagination.
01:37:57.000
You're talking about the people that people like the most that's willing to be the president.
01:38:05.000
And so many non-regular people who can vote that don't will be like, I'm going just to vote for The Rock.
01:38:28.000
How about we stop this fucking president, vice president?
01:39:21.000
That was great because Burt brought up two-a-days.
01:39:49.000
I think I did much better than anyone expected.
01:40:05.000
I think we were talking on the phone one night.
01:40:11.000
Yeah, because you weren't working out, you were just eating like crazy and drinking.
01:40:28.000
What is the calories of one Wendy's Double Double?
01:40:32.000
How do I multiply the amount of calories in Wendy's Double Double by four?
01:40:35.000
If I have one double cheeseburger and run for two hours, we're good.
01:40:44.000
Should we know that I had pot roast the night before?
01:40:51.000
You did good, but when did you not think you were actually...
01:40:54.000
I was sitting in my bathroom, and I was talking on the phone, and you were saying something like, you were talking about your diet.
01:41:00.000
And I was like, my diet's just not eat over a thousand calories.
01:41:03.000
Like, I'm not thinking about what I'm putting in my mouth.
01:41:06.000
Per day, you ate less than a thousand calories?
01:41:35.000
I was just trying to fucking show my Mickey Mantle gene and win.
01:41:42.000
How much weight did you cut two days before that, Tom?
01:41:54.000
I started to do a water cut, a version of, you know, 24 hours before.
01:41:59.000
And then when you had to go in the second day, what happened?
01:42:02.000
He didn't have a drop of water the entire next day, and then went to a fucking sauna that morning, and I was like...
01:42:09.000
The thing is, the really unhealthy thing that we were doing was we were making it a weight loss thing.
01:42:17.000
If we were smart, what we've done is a dunk tank, have someone at a place that does a dunk tank where they check your body composition.
01:42:24.000
Because they can do that electrical one where you hold these cables and you push your hands on them.
01:42:33.000
There's a bunch of different kinds of these things.
01:42:38.000
Yeah, but the problem with weight loss is both these guys came into this thing with a fake weight loss because they dehydrated themselves.
01:42:45.000
No, he definitely dehydrated himself the last day.
01:42:50.000
I had a really hard time not drinking water before I got here.
01:42:53.000
I think Tommy drank 9 bottles of water from the entire podcast.
01:43:11.000
Can I just say, you made Not Obese by.15 of an inch.
01:43:20.000
And then buy more the next day, where you gotta keep going for it.
01:43:22.000
That's just weighing how tall you are versus how much you weigh.
01:43:24.000
Yeah, that's just BMI. Which they have since modified once, and they want to actually do away with just the staff.
01:43:37.000
I thought that was that guy Izzy whatever from Hawaii.
01:43:56.000
Fat Comedian Bart Chrysler keeping it low and loose after his loss at the weigh-ins against Undisputed Water Champion Tommy Buns Segura.
01:44:17.000
I know that face is from a Spike Video Games Award and I shaved clean and I saw the photos from the red carpet and I was like, that's not a good look.
01:44:33.000
And seeing all the boos around it, that is a genius photoshop.
01:44:41.000
That could be some dude who has some regular job somewhere, and he's bored, and he's got downtime on his computer, and he just creates that and throws it up there.
01:44:51.000
It's a secret, but it's not a secret about guys like us, like what we do.
01:44:56.000
There's a lot of guys who could have done what we did.
01:44:58.000
How good are some of these guys making posters and drawing?
01:45:02.000
Dude, my guy who does posters is fucking Brett Brock.
01:45:11.000
Very nice dude, but man, those posters, some of them are really good.
01:45:36.000
Drastic FX. That guy from Drastic FX. He does some awesome shit, dude.
01:45:50.000
That show, Diaz made me laugh harder than any human being has ever made me laugh ever.
01:45:56.000
I looked up, and Tommy was looking at the floor, too.
01:45:58.000
We were both looking at the floor, and Joey was just sucking all the oxygen out of the room.
01:46:07.000
I lost track of what he was saying at one point because I had to stop listening to him.
01:46:23.000
That's not enough time for you to turn around and start over one.
01:46:31.000
Now that you're sober for fucking ten minutes, what do you think you can do?
01:47:07.000
When the wolves call through the valley, midnight.
01:47:14.000
How can I make this so that I'm in a challenge where I don't feel like everyone's against me?
01:47:26.000
People immediately don't like you when they meet you.
01:47:28.000
You're like a guy who's ready to break the world record on holding your breath.
01:47:31.000
You know you're going to breathe again, but it's going to be alone.
01:47:37.000
But think about how much fun that'll be on November 1st.
01:47:38.000
But you're not thinking, you're not thinking, hey man, maybe I should just stop drinking.
01:47:46.000
when you're like, fuck that, give me another drink.
01:47:57.000
I assume there were people around from the party before.
01:48:00.000
I'd give Bird five or six days for things that are getting really weird.
01:48:07.000
First of all, I think your marijuana intake would uptick drastically.
01:48:14.000
I can say it's a little bullshit that you would go to marijuana, because normally I'd say that's way healthier, but I'm saying here that all that's doing is riding you the gap until you can drink again.
01:48:32.000
Are you trying to take Bert on the road with you and have him bomb so you look like a hero?
01:48:39.000
If I'm sober, I can totally do much better than if I was hammered.
01:48:54.000
You saw me on stage the first time I was ever high on stage.
01:48:58.000
Dude, we got drunk as fucking at the Ice House.
01:49:04.000
You don't forget you black out about the sets you have on stage because you drink so much.
01:49:50.000
I will tell you why I can't do that, because I don't want to lose who the fuck I am, which is like, I like to, I like...
01:50:01.000
You're saying you don't want to lose the party man image.
01:50:04.000
I will not go to that Impractical Jokers cruise with Big J, Ari, all those comics that I love, and not drink.
01:50:12.000
I also make a lot of money, and I don't need to do the bet.
01:50:14.000
But I want to do the bet because I like the idea of the bet.
01:50:29.000
This is like Team America World Police when they showed the extra fuck scenes and the dude shit on the girl's chest and she shit on him and pissed on him.
01:50:39.000
The only thing you can get are those chalk pills that help you deal with withdrawal.
01:50:48.000
Oh, when you're withdrawing from pills or alcohol.
01:51:01.000
I would say that's allowed because you're not going to get high off that.
01:51:03.000
That's going to save your life because you will die otherwise because you're unequipped to do this.
01:51:11.000
The article we read about you said that it's really not recommended to just quit cold turkey like that.
01:51:23.000
I'm going to write my eulogy with you in mind ahead of time.
01:51:25.000
He's in great shape and he can run a marathon easily and he can quit anytime he wants.
01:51:31.000
Wait, why won't you get withdrawals if you just quit like that?
01:51:39.000
No, you feel uncomfortable for a day where you're like, hold on, stop.
01:51:58.000
We have a thing in our house called unassisted sleeps.
01:52:00.000
That's when you go to sleep without drugs or alcohol.
01:52:11.000
Yeah, we have a thing called unassisted sleeps.
01:52:16.000
I think more people need to learn how to relax.
01:52:22.000
And your kids don't fall apart when they sleep like that?
01:52:25.000
You can get a hold of your own thoughts, and it's a good practice to do that.
01:52:29.000
And if you just give your own thoughts to pills...
01:52:45.000
But there's other pathways that a lot of people that try the pills don't try.
01:52:54.000
But with some people, I think they'd probably be just as, if not more, successful with meditating, relaxing, just trying to figure out a way to consciously dip yourself down into the place where you go to sleep.
01:53:08.000
No, I did five days and four unassisted sleeps.
01:53:14.000
I'm thinking 30 days, you owe 15 days of hot yoga.
01:53:24.000
So if you have one day on, you have one day off.
01:53:26.000
You owe, and if you miss them, then you have to make them up in a row.
01:53:29.000
But you have to do 15 days of hot yoga in a 30 day time period with no booze.
01:53:38.000
Because I think it would be super beneficial for him.
01:53:42.000
And I think we'd clean him out, and it's fucking insanely difficult to do.
01:53:46.000
But he's going to fail on that and still detox.
01:53:52.000
All you have to do is cut half the days, half of those 30, you have to do a yoga class.
01:54:05.000
Like, 40 minutes into an hour and 15 minute class.
01:54:07.000
I came back in, I took a 5 minute breather, I took a 5 minute breather, I came back in.
01:54:11.000
Because it was hot, I was like, fuck, I'm out of it, I'm out of it.
01:54:14.000
Yeah, but you also, like, couldn't run a marathon, I could.
01:54:29.000
There's no way you could do 15, 90 minute yoga classes in a month?
01:54:36.000
No, what I'm saying is, the thing about the yoga classes is, first of all, there's like a real set beginning and a set end.
01:54:52.000
And I think it's one of the most beneficial mentally.
01:54:57.000
They tell you, the instructors say, go out and fucking breathe and come back in.
01:55:01.000
That's for the same people that they see those little packets they leave in the shoes.
01:55:10.000
You shouldn't eat, but you should know that you're not going to eat some shit you found on your shoe.
01:55:14.000
Just so you should know that if you're going to die, you should get out of the fucking yoga class.
01:55:18.000
So I'm saying you should be able to get out of there.
01:55:39.000
At the end of two sets, you're allowed to have some water.
01:55:41.000
I would need three classes to take a five-minute breather.
01:55:44.000
Over that month, I would need three five-minute breathers.
01:56:08.000
You're not allowed to leave the place that I go.
01:56:29.000
It's not like something you could just not train for and then have to do at the very end.
01:56:34.000
This is not something like you could run a marathon and kind of like fucking half-ass it up to the time you got to run it.
01:56:45.000
What's good about this is it's going to cause you to absolutely be in a certain place for 15 days out of 30. You have to make those up.
01:56:53.000
Like, say if you fuck off for the first ten days, that means you gotta do a lot of days in a row.
01:56:57.000
Wait, would it be safe to do hot yoga four or five days in a row?
01:57:21.000
And bring that goddamn kombucha with you, that jug of piss.
01:57:24.000
You're like pulling it off his desk with your fucking attitude.
01:57:36.000
You're looking good, like a good athlete, dude.
01:58:00.000
Some shit I never understand, I never want to do.
01:58:06.000
Listen, I like this idea of 15 days of hot yoga.
01:58:18.000
The thing about this is he thinks he could run all the time.
01:58:21.000
But if you have to do this, this is going to be hard.
01:58:23.000
Running is easy for me because it's in my backyard.
01:58:28.000
If you get in the middle of this and you feel like you can't do it anymore, you can relax.
01:58:32.000
You can just sit down, lie down, and just catch your grass.
01:58:39.000
If you feel like you've overwhelmed yourself, maybe you tried too hard, you know, it's fucking hot in there.
01:58:43.000
It's 104 degrees, and you're doing, like, these really difficult bodyweight exercises.
01:58:47.000
When you're standing on one leg, you got one leg kicked back, and you got your both arms leaning forward, it's fucking difficult to do.
01:58:54.000
You know, and when you're holding yourself in, like, weird positions.
01:58:57.000
Wow, that's a really, actually, interesting challenge.
01:59:00.000
It's pretty easy, not easy, pretty not hard-paced, I should say, to do a five-hour marathon.
01:59:13.000
That's five minutes, but 11 minutes and 30 seconds per mile, you get it in six hours, or five hours.
01:59:21.000
See, I mean, I know that we're all making fun of this, but a five-hour marathon is literally walking at a 4.5 on a treadmill.
01:59:43.000
I'll tell you, I saw my father speed walk the Marine Corps Marathon, and he did great for about...
01:59:58.000
I love when I watched the Florida State game yesterday and got on the treadmill.
02:00:02.000
The way you watch boxing matches or fights when you work out.
02:00:09.000
And you guys were doing that three hour podcast and I literally said, I'm going to be running a marathon today.
02:00:21.000
But I was walking, and I- because Joey was so fucking funny, I would start laughing.
02:00:26.000
Like when you said he's changing colors, flavors.
02:00:29.000
He's the funniest human being that's ever lived.
02:00:31.000
But I started laughing so hard that I was like, I can't fucking run this.
02:00:39.000
And so I ended up doing 12 miles in the three hours.
02:00:44.000
If you ever do do the marathon, I hope there's a hype crew behind you go, just quit, Bert!
02:00:55.000
Like, what would be a challenging time you think you could still do it in?
02:01:08.000
If I could do 10 minute mile, that would be really fucking challenging.
02:01:14.000
By the way, I will say that the one that we just pulled up is still very challenging.
02:01:45.000
But I think the over-under should be like high 13s.
02:01:51.000
Walking casually, resting, seeing a movie in there.
02:01:56.000
Do you think you could do this time with no preparation, no training, just do it tomorrow?
02:02:03.000
How much distance do you think you could run tomorrow?
02:02:18.000
This is the reason I'll never quit drinking, because I love this feeling.
02:03:15.000
So that's all I've been doing because it's fun for me.
02:03:52.000
That's a pace for a 13 and a half hour marathon.
02:04:01.000
The only problem with tomorrow is I plan on partying at your house.
02:04:24.000
This might be cheesy, but let's make this communal so I can challenge people.
02:04:29.000
I can challenge people to go, Nate Bargatze, no booze.
02:04:34.000
And let everyone, and have them commit to the ankle bracelet.
02:04:44.000
If we're going to do a Stanhope one, we should find out whether or not you're going to die.
02:04:48.000
We should really invest in these charcoal pills.
02:04:56.000
I'll do no booze, I'll do the yoga, and then keep bringing them out.
02:05:00.000
This is one thing that we have to be careful about.
02:05:06.000
What is the volume of alcohol that you consume on a daily basis?
02:05:14.000
Are you worried about the alcohol business going out?
02:05:20.000
I'm worried about the hit the economy is going to take.
02:05:34.000
We're going to Tommy's house in Speedos after this, Joe.
02:05:41.000
My quantity, and I'll be very candid about this, but once again, I want to be honest.
02:05:49.000
You made a fucking joke last time about that ankle bracelet, and I fucking finally got that feeling out of my throat.
02:06:21.000
Let's pretend for some strange reason you're home for a month and you're not traveling at all.
02:06:37.000
If I went to the store and you were like, hey, let's have a drink, I'd have to have a drink.
02:06:45.000
There's no way you would come up to me and say, maybe I would.
02:07:01.000
Guys, you're going to give me anxiety if I'm the only one drinking.
02:07:08.000
Fuck, I'm going to be really high to see my kids.
02:07:39.000
And there's a lot of people that have seen me live recently, and they can probably all attest that they're bummed out that I don't murder the drink on the first show.
02:07:50.000
I remember, I'll call him out because I called him out on my podcast.
02:08:28.000
Attell didn't do real shot, and I was like, because he was my hero.
02:08:33.000
And I was like, yeah, he just, I was like, fuck.
02:08:39.000
This is in 2004. How do you guys know when he stopped?
02:08:50.000
No, it's actually when Maren started his podcast.
02:08:52.000
Only because I know that Maren had him on, and he wasn't drinking, and he was eating Skittles.
02:09:08.000
I heard Marin is excellent in that new wrestling show on Netflix.
02:09:12.000
I've heard from a bunch of people that he kills it.
02:09:38.000
When I was a kid, we had Starsky and Hutch, okay?
02:09:41.000
We had our TV made us dumber, and it was like eating cardboard.
02:09:47.000
The difference between what people have today on TV, it's insane.
02:09:59.000
You watch that first five minutes, first ten minutes of Ozarks, you're watching the whole season.
02:10:22.000
Like, it's just one of those shows where you're like, whoa.
02:10:25.000
The best comedy on streaming, no questions asked, Angie Tribeca.
02:10:53.000
Rashida Jones, Deon Cole, that guy, and then Andre Vermillion.
02:10:58.000
So it is the Naked Gun, but in a CSI Miami type show.
02:11:04.000
Yeah, it's a Naked Gun, so it's like imagine if you saw a brand new Naked Gun or Airplane.
02:11:13.000
Yeah, and I watched it with my kids, and they'd never seen Airplane, so it's that introduction of Airplane or Naked Gun to them.
02:11:20.000
So they're going for big jokes like the whole time.
02:11:37.000
Like, okay, Game of Thrones, Ozark, and there's a new season of Narcos that's out, too.
02:11:48.000
Don't you feel like it's hard for a movie to even work now?
02:11:55.000
You really gotta go for it, but then you've seen the same show on Netflix, the same show on HBO, the level of like, wow, this looks fucking gorgeous.
02:12:00.000
Well, they have this opportunity to stretch out these storylines.
02:12:05.000
Game of Thrones, this season, was a fucking seven-hour movie.
02:12:23.000
I watched the pilot episode of Game of Thrones the other day.
02:12:44.000
I watched the finale and I was so wrapped up in what was going on that I went on HBO Go and I clicked the pilot episode.
02:12:51.000
Dude, watch the pilot episode and you will say to yourself, oh shit, I get it.
02:12:56.000
Like all these things that were little plots that, how they got their direwolves.
02:13:02.000
They found a big elk that had been murdered and they couldn't figure out how it was murdered.
02:13:09.000
And they saw that the elk's horn had gone through a direwolf, and direwolves shouldn't be south of the wall, in Winterfeld.
02:13:20.000
And he said, she just had cubs, you should all have your cubs.
02:13:43.000
And then as they leave, they see a fucking runt one.
02:14:00.000
You realize I'm going to be a fucking mess at your house.
02:14:07.000
I was right there with you listening to this story.
02:14:11.000
I hated the last few minutes you've been alive and talking so much.
02:14:27.000
I wish you would never feature for me at Last Unlimited.
02:14:31.000
And bomb so hard that I had to give them money.
02:14:34.000
If there is a tape of this bombing, it might be, it's so bad.
02:14:39.000
What was the one time that you bombed so hard that you broke it down on your podcast?
02:14:50.000
So it's just listening to someone monologue in a room of people where everyone's like...
02:14:56.000
Tommy, back at the time, used to have his hair a little longer and he'd feather it back, right?
02:15:12.000
The manager, Leslie, is like, we had a feature booked.
02:15:20.000
He goes out, and his first joke flies out to nobody.
02:15:24.000
And everyone, and this girl, Leslie, walks right up to me, and she goes...
02:15:30.000
And I see sweat forming on his brow, bubbling up.
02:15:34.000
And then I see his hair collapse to the side and start getting wet.
02:15:44.000
I remember it was 2005. I opened on a rape joke.
02:15:58.000
And they said that people were getting raped in the aftermath.
02:16:10.000
I made some type of joke like, hey, they say there's...
02:16:14.000
It was something like, they say people are getting raped!
02:16:18.000
In New Orleans, in the aftermath, nothing would turn me on seeing a dead body float by.
02:16:24.000
Some things like that, where I'm making fun of it.
02:16:35.000
And that's when the hair falls to the side and catches the sweat.
02:16:38.000
I opened with it, and I bombed for 25 straight minutes.
02:16:42.000
Actually, 22. Because when I got off, she goes, why didn't you do 25?
02:16:52.000
And then I opened the second show on the same joke.
02:17:17.000
You know you're eating shit when you're the feature act and you walk in the green room and the MC's like, oh, man, you fucking suck.
02:17:23.000
Like, I've never seen anyone eat shit like this in my life.
02:17:36.000
Usually if you brought a comic up and he bombed that hard, you'd be like, I'll never talk to this guy again.
02:17:43.000
Tom talking to me in the green room about his bombing or at the bar after.
02:17:47.000
I remember we drove home on that ride and I was like, oh, this is my new best friend.
02:17:53.000
I also remember that when we got back to LA, you go, you didn't talk much.
02:18:03.000
Well, I talk about two different memories of an event.
02:18:08.000
Actually, I think I told you this before, but he saved my ass because I bombed so hard.
02:18:13.000
And think about a straight up 25 minute bomb, and then on the late show doing it exactly the same again.
02:18:23.000
I think I was convinced that I could make that stupid...
02:18:29.000
Like, I was like, I want to get it right, so I'm going to do it.
02:18:33.000
And by the way, the public is thinking, the similar thing is, Hurricane Harvey, right now.
02:18:36.000
People are all coming together, and you're making a fucking rape a dead body joke.
02:18:47.000
He just thought if he said it again, they'd get it.
02:18:51.000
He didn't sit down with it and go, let me try to pick this apart.
02:18:58.000
It was also 2005. How many years have you been doing comedy?
02:19:05.000
Well, and then in the hotel room, I was like, man, this fucking...
02:19:10.000
I really was fucked up over those two bombings.
02:19:21.000
And then Saturday, the first show's about to start, and I can see these guys are eyeballing me.
02:19:32.000
Well, no, but then you came up to me, you go, can I give you one piece of advice?
02:19:42.000
Just do everything else you want to do the same.
02:19:53.000
Like, that manager the night before was like, this is like, you really ate dog shit up there twice.
02:20:11.000
It was like exactly what you'd want after a bombing like that.
02:20:13.000
And they had a curtain like this separating the showroom from the bar.
02:20:20.000
So after my set, he's on stage, I just open the curtain, and I go, well, nice recovery, right?
02:20:34.000
She did the same shit to me the first time I featured there.
02:20:36.000
She criticized me, and then I... I did a good feature set.
02:20:57.000
I bobbed once in South Carolina and went on a golfing trip with my college friends.
02:21:02.000
We went out there and I did a guest spot at the Coconut something in Charleston.
02:21:08.000
And then we were driving like a day later and some girls were like, you know, because it's a vacation town, they were like, ooh, like screaming at us.
02:21:14.000
And somebody's like, oh, there's that guy who bombed last night.
02:21:18.000
Because I didn't mention it when I got off stage.
02:21:26.000
I had just done stand-up one time, and I signed up for the Comedy Corner in Atlanta because my girlfriend lived there.
02:21:37.000
But I'm unaware of the way open mic night works, so I buy tickets for me and her, and they sit us up front.
02:21:45.000
Two white people, the only two white people in the whole room.
02:21:48.000
First guy comes on stage and starts making fun of me and says, what's your name?
02:22:01.000
Every black comic that comes on makes fun of me for fucking ever.
02:22:07.000
Then he gets to the end of the show, and he's like, we got one more comic to come up.
02:22:09.000
Last comic of the evening, ladies and gentlemen.
02:22:21.000
This is the guy they've been fucking with the whole night.
02:22:23.000
And I get up on stage and I go, you guys ever jack off in a cheeseburger?
02:22:28.000
And the guy they liked and were rooting for started sucking and they fucking lit me up on stage like I've never to this day been lit up and I had no comebacks.
02:22:40.000
Dude, they fucking went from love to hate in an instant with one joke.
02:22:46.000
How uncomfortable was it with your girlfriend after the show?
02:22:50.000
Dude, that's it, down in Buckhead, we beelined out of that motherfucker, but the guy sitting next to her, we're like, aw, he suck!
02:23:00.000
And what's she telling you, like, hey, you do suck?
02:23:03.000
Man, she was a good girlfriend, except for all the other stuff.
02:23:07.000
But she was the only one that got me into comedy.
02:23:11.000
She was a little delusional about how good you had to be to do it.
02:23:31.000
Dude, when they said, oh shit, it's Bertie Bert, the place went nuts.
02:23:36.000
I was the guy that they've been fucking with all night.
02:23:39.000
Like if it was you today, you would just murder that crowd.
02:23:42.000
Like getting in a time machine, letting these motherfuckers know what's up?
02:24:13.000
You got some extra room in front of your toe because your feet so fat.
02:24:22.000
What do you think you can do and then afterwards we gotta go do decathlon if you can do this ridiculous thing that you probably can't do.
02:24:30.000
By the way, I'm going to regret this part of my life.
02:24:35.000
Because I think I would like to challenge myself to the yoga and the not drinking, but I do want to incorporate it into us.
02:24:50.000
And I know that you guys will be like, are you drinking tonight?
02:24:54.000
And we can accord people on the outside, but I don't know.
02:25:01.000
I don't have a problem trying to run a marathon.
02:25:05.000
Tom said he didn't like the idea to me personally because he was like, there's just no payoff.
02:25:16.000
The weight loss challenge, or the non-drinking challenge you can keep up with.
02:25:20.000
Yeah, I don't think you can do that, but normal people could.
02:25:35.000
Can I say you can't drink or be drunk during all of October?
02:25:44.000
If you're going to be fucking drunk the whole first night because you shouldn't be drinking for six hours.
02:25:47.000
Can we ask you this, though, seriously, for our own peace of mind?
02:25:50.000
Like, all jokes aside, we don't have to worry about withdrawal symptoms with you?
02:26:00.000
I say we don't do this unless you get the charcoal pills and have them at your house.
02:26:06.000
I mean, if you're really going through the shakes...
02:26:15.000
Guys, you can run a marathon easy, and he's in great shape.
02:26:24.000
Not like fucking, I don't know, Craig Shoemaker.
02:26:32.000
Wait, we never even got to how much you drink normally.
02:26:42.000
Tom, this is better than the Game of Thrones one.
02:26:44.000
Okay, but how much do you normally drink, though, for real?
02:26:50.000
Yesterday, we had a half a handle of Tito's, and we were going over to our friend's house.
02:26:57.000
And I said, we should get a full bottle of Tito's, thinking that there would be more people there that would want Tito's.
02:27:05.000
If you go through a half-handled Tito's, you have a legit problem.
02:27:10.000
And I still had an inch of Tito's when I came home last night.
02:27:52.000
Dude, one shot of vodka is one and a half ounces.
02:27:56.000
By the way, you're watching me drink right now and I'm buzzed.
02:28:04.000
That's an insane amount of booze you're talking about.
02:28:12.000
If you're talking about that jug of Tito's, if he can drink a half of one of those, that's insane.
02:28:24.000
I think it's going unnoted that it's also scotch.
02:28:45.000
That thing in the middle, 60 shots or 35 shots is 1.5 ounces.
02:28:51.000
I'm saying if I drank that much I'd for sure barf.
02:29:15.000
I just want people listening to remember I like you guys.
02:29:21.000
So we'll just show an average flight is at 7 a.m.
02:29:26.000
I bring four bottles of Tito, little baby bottles, in my bag.
02:29:39.000
In your bag that you check or the bag that you carry on?
02:29:50.000
I thought you couldn't bring liquid on a plane.
02:30:07.000
I think the thing is that like if you walk through with this and a little bit...
02:30:12.000
It's that he has a small bottle with a small amount of that volume.
02:30:20.000
So they must at that point look at him and go, yeah, okay, sure, yeah, you need this beer medicine.
02:30:24.000
But he's bringing in eight of those little bottles.
02:30:27.000
But you put those in your bag, but you've also made a drink before you left the house, right?
02:30:32.000
We're talking my worst travel day, and this is on the reg on a Sunday when I fly home.
02:30:40.000
Let's start with a bad day and then we'll work our way back.
02:30:50.000
Because there's nothing healthy to eat at an airport.
02:30:52.000
But I'm still concerned with my food intake, so I won't have an egg sandwich.
02:31:01.000
Okay, I guess it's better than eating it, I guess.
02:31:13.000
I scout the food court for who has styrofoam cups.
02:31:16.000
Because if you have paper cups, the vodka will cut the seam in your drink and it'll collapse on your lap sometimes.
02:31:27.000
Go over, say, hey, can I get an orange juice and a big 32-ounce cup of ice?
02:31:31.000
And then I go into the bathroom, I pretend to take a shit, I crack four...
02:31:37.000
Crack the four bottles, pour them in the cup, pour the orange juice in.
02:31:41.000
Do you take your pants off while you're doing this?
02:31:51.000
Why avoid a dump if you're in position to take a dump?
02:31:56.000
I get so excited when I sit down and it's a warm toilet.
02:32:00.000
How long does it take you to get through that drink?
02:32:05.000
Pour four in, and then go to the airplane and just wait.
02:32:12.000
Now, for me, personally, my anxiety is cut in half because I know I have a cocktail if I need one.
02:32:17.000
And then I get on the plane, I sip it, and I pass out.
02:32:22.000
And you generally don't drink those other four?
02:32:38.000
So that's going to be a really tough part of this.
02:32:45.000
Not a big flight, but I talked to your wife about it.
02:32:48.000
What I'd noticed is if I did a row of unassisted sleeps, and then the night before the flight took a Xanax, at like 5, then when I woke up, the Xanax was effectively still in my system, and there was no panic.
02:33:02.000
And I flew, I think, to Minnesota sober, and back sober, and I was like, whoa.
02:33:09.000
And then I did Phoenix, and then I did the Hot Wings thing, Hot Wings Challenge, and the next night I was like, my stomach's fucked, I was in panic, and I drank.
02:33:21.000
Part of me thinks it's from doing ecstasy in college.
02:33:32.000
Of the fact that I can't get out and that it might explode at any second and I can't stop that and then I just, like right now, right now you're going to blow up.
02:33:42.000
If I'm sober, man, on a flight, I cry sometimes.
02:33:45.000
Like, legit cry, so I have to bring sunglasses on.
02:33:49.000
Dude, I am so ritualistic on airplanes, you have no fucking idea.
02:33:53.000
I have to drink, I have to have a cocktail when I get on the plane, because if I don't have it, then I start panicking.
02:33:59.000
I can't take a Xanax because sometimes you get delayed and then you're just fucking...
02:34:02.000
How much will you drink on that flight to Singapore, you think?
02:34:12.000
Have you ever thought about trying to manage the way your mind thinks about things?
02:34:18.000
Instead of thinking about medicating it, just try to put yourself in a position where you try to manage your paranoia or your thoughts.
02:34:26.000
As they're coming in, just sort of reject them and use some meditation techniques to relax.
02:34:35.000
I haven't done TM, and everyone suggested TM. Transcendental Meditation.
02:34:45.000
There was a lot of criticism of that, but I know a lot of super successful people use that.
02:34:52.000
People get, like, they get weird about other people trying to be enlightened.
02:34:57.000
Like, people start shitting on people, like, mindfulness is bullshit.
02:35:03.000
Because it seems like if you're writing mindfulness is bullshit, like, for you, it's probably bullshit.
02:35:08.000
Because you're writing a fucking article on people trying to look at things objectively with clarity.
02:35:14.000
And be in the moment instead of be scattered and cast about by the momentum of their past and all the things happening around them where it takes them out of control.
02:35:27.000
It literally can't be bullshit because you're trying to just be an easier person to deal with, get through life smoother.
02:35:39.000
There's great benefits to religious beliefs as long as they're positive religious beliefs.
02:35:43.000
If you could have a perfect religion, like a religion that didn't have all the contradictions and hypocrisy and crazy shit about killing people to wear two different types of cloth or any of the weird shit that is in any ancient text that gets translated into modern times.
02:35:57.000
If you could create something that gave you a rock-solid, sensible ethic that was based on science and the reality is what we know and how vulnerable we really are and how big the universe really is.
02:36:07.000
If somebody could rewrite something where they weren't trying to control people with it, they weren't asking for donations, they were just trying to set out a way to look at the world in a clear framework that's open to all possibilities but allows you to move through this Time and space in the most harmonious manner with our fellow brothers and sisters.
02:36:28.000
Because we're too smart for the old stupid shit about people walking on water and coming back from the dead.
02:36:32.000
People are like, look, maybe it's an allegory, maybe it's a parable, maybe it's based on some ancient story that means something different, but we lost it all in the translation.
02:36:44.000
And people get, like, super concerned with it not meaning anything ultimately at the end.
02:36:50.000
But what it means for sure something is right now.
02:36:53.000
If you have good friends, if you enjoy your life, then it means something for sure for right now.
02:37:01.000
You could be a nihilist, you could be, you know, you have this fatalistic view of the future, but if you look at the moment right now, it always means something.
02:37:10.000
It always means something to be enjoying yourself.
02:37:13.000
You definitely said some things that align with Buddhism, though.
02:37:21.000
People have had all these ideas for thousands of years where they realized moments in their life where they got it right.
02:37:27.000
There's moments in your life where you have a near-death experience, you almost get run over by a buffalo or something like that, and you just stand there looking at each other, and it all makes sense.
02:37:35.000
What matters is love and friendship and the moment, the life that you're experiencing right now.
02:37:42.000
Remember that time you didn't drink for five days?
02:37:45.000
That was a long time ago, but it's probably the way I remember riding a bike for the first time.
02:37:57.000
The last time I didn't drink for a long stretch, I had this moment of clarity where I went, I haven't made a lot of decisions as an adult sober.
02:38:07.000
Like, I didn't pick to get into stand-up sober.
02:38:17.000
Do you think there's no one out there that was fucking doing it up at the University of Detroit?
02:38:28.000
Listen, Marty Burton, Rowland Stone never contacted me.
02:38:32.000
You might be in Detroit laying it down, gin and juicing these motherfuckers into a coma.
02:38:47.000
There's a guy named Colin who lit a bowl one time and was so high he passed out and the bowl landed on his cheek and it burned a half moon in his cheek.
02:39:00.000
What's the most embarrassing thing you've ever done the way you fell asleep?
02:39:08.000
Have you ever gone down on a girl and fell asleep on her pussy?
02:39:24.000
He was flipping through her pussy like it was gone with the wind.
02:39:31.000
So I was getting up every morning at like 5 o'clock in the morning and I was working every night.
02:39:37.000
I'd do a bunch of different shit during the day.
02:39:46.000
I was driving around this private investigator.
02:39:49.000
Yeah, it was a lot of insurance cases and shit like that.
02:39:55.000
And one time I was going down and I just fucking conked out.
02:40:04.000
And I'm like, do you think I wanted to do that?
02:40:21.000
I was working for a private investigator all day, then I was getting to the gym, then I was sparring, then after I was sparring, then I was going out and doing stand-up, and after I was doing stand-up, then I'd go over to the house and eat pussy.
02:40:34.000
And she was like halfway to coming, she could feel the horizon coming, and I was like, wait, what?
02:40:42.000
I went down on a girl with gum in my mouth once.
02:40:55.000
I fell asleep, like, you know, like, college, like, after making out, but, like, you're still, like, cuddling?
02:41:52.000
Can you have Sober in October with an outline of that picture of Bert with the obese lying there?
02:42:26.000
No, listen, you can have a t-shirt that says Sober for October.
02:42:29.000
I'm sure they don't have a copyright on that phrase.
02:42:34.000
If they have a website, and that's what they do, they actually might get a copyright.
02:42:44.000
Do you know that somebody made, like, not at our prompting, made burntchrysler.com?
02:43:12.000
And you see their moms, and their moms are fucking obese.
02:43:20.000
And you were like, at the time, you were like, I'm in the same category as you, medically.
02:43:25.000
Did you ever consider the possibility that those people are like tests given to you by the universe to see if you can navigate the waters of stupidity without...
02:43:36.000
Just skirt around them with like a keto, like an old Steven Seagal demonstration video.
02:43:43.000
I don't like competition, so I just go, yeah, I'm a fat fuck.
02:43:49.000
I think if we weighed you, and we will at Tom's, you'll be less than you were during the weigh-in challenge.
02:44:07.000
Step charcoal pills if you need them, which you will.
02:44:14.000
We need to know a real number, like how many drinks you drink a day.
02:44:38.000
I know that if I smoke weed, my alcohol intake disappears entirely and I start slowing down.
02:44:47.000
And a few sips of your scotch, but I didn't like it.
02:44:55.000
And so I know that if I go to Tommy's, I'm going to loosen up.
02:45:01.000
And then I wouldn't be shocked if I killed this whole bottle today, in one day.
02:45:12.000
Shocked is not a thing that came up in that conversation.
02:45:25.000
If you were at a bar and you were at a single drink, you know how many out.
02:45:35.000
If you're hanging out at a bar, let's say you're at a bar.
02:45:49.000
Would definitely be like a very comfortable number.
02:46:08.000
If I drink at, say, where did I just have weed?
02:46:13.000
Wherever I just have weed, in Arizona, or Denver, I would have two, smoke weed, and then I have two more and I go to bed.
02:46:30.000
By the way, Stanhope, I mean, I'm trying to be as honest with you guys.
02:46:46.000
And Stan Hope and I were super honest about her alcohol intake.
02:46:58.000
One of the most beautiful things that Stanhope and I said is people go, oh, yeah, I quit drinking.
02:47:09.000
I want to quit drinking so I can use chopsticks in the morning.
02:47:12.000
Like, eating sushi, sashimi in the morning at 11 a.m.
02:47:21.000
Yeah, it's a little bit of a struggle, but I'd definitely say it would be doable.
02:47:33.000
But what the question now is, what the bet's going to be, and how we can have fun moving forward.
02:47:36.000
Let's ask him if he thinks that's a true statement.
02:47:44.000
We've talked about this a bunch, but I'm pushing myself way too hard than I have the capability to do.
02:47:50.000
What I think we should do, in all earnestness, it's like we haven't even...
02:47:59.000
Why don't we give ourselves a week, and we can do this again, and sit down and see what you think.
02:48:08.000
About whether or not you could wean yourself off slowly or whether you even want to do it.
02:48:18.000
Because I think you could either decide to not and just live your life the way you're living, which is obviously very successful.
02:48:27.000
I mean, it's a big part of the fun that you're having, you're enjoying with your stand-up comedy career.
02:48:33.000
But legitimately, as friends, when you see someone who's taking in that much alcohol, you start getting nervous.
02:48:39.000
And you start getting like, okay, how long can you do that?
02:48:53.000
Oh, man, this is why I don't want to fucking be honest.
02:48:58.000
No, I'm not taking the fun out of it, but I'm saying that if you do that all the time...
02:49:02.000
This is turning into the sad shit you're talking about.
02:49:06.000
No, but one thing that you have to admit is a fair thing is you do see that...
02:49:16.000
You realize that that pace could not continue forever.
02:49:21.000
That's also no one in this room could keep up with you.
02:49:30.000
I can't even come close to keeping up with you.
02:49:35.000
But this is the opposite of what I wanted out of this.
02:49:38.000
I think this turns into like, people go, oh shit, he's really got a problem.
02:49:48.000
What I'm saying is you could live your life the way you're living it right now.
02:49:53.000
Or, I don't know if you think you have a problem or if you feel like you have a problem.
02:49:57.000
And I don't want to make any judgment whatsoever.
02:50:03.000
Because you could Hunter S. Thompson this thing right into the grave and a lot of people have done it and they probably had a better life than people that have lived sober and regretful and deep and melancholy states of mind until, you know, their fucking body shuts down.
02:50:21.000
I don't know if a short life filled with partying is better than a long life of meditating and wearing an orange robe.
02:50:27.000
I mean, there's a real good argument that it's not.
02:50:28.000
There's a real good argument that the party life is a better life.
02:50:31.000
But what I think about any type of situation like this is I don't want to...
02:50:39.000
I want you to do whatever the fuck you want to do.
02:50:41.000
That's why I said to Ari in the car, I was like, I can't do 90 days.
02:50:49.000
Do you think though, but I'm sorry to interrupt you, but this is really important.
02:50:52.000
Do you think that it's possible that once you got into it, and once you were in 20 days deep and you realized you can feel better every day...
02:50:59.000
Yeah, I bet you keep going at that point, right?
02:51:02.000
I think the hardest part, Bert, is going to get out of the first 10 to 15. I'm not a fucking doctor.
02:51:07.000
I don't know what it's like when people have withdrawal from alcohol.
02:51:13.000
The hardest part will be Sunday morning in the D.C. airport.
02:51:21.000
I've definitely not drank for fucking five days.
02:51:28.000
We're a little worried about you and your body freaking out.
02:51:31.000
You have to admit that the concern for that, I don't think you're going to die, but having the thought like, hey, my friend who drinks like 80 drinks a day is going to stop drinking.
02:51:41.000
As a friend, you go like, is that a safe thing to do?
02:51:47.000
Because there's no way he could do fucking 30 days.
02:51:50.000
I think that if he can get past a certain number of hours, the longer you can get past this, there's like...
02:52:03.000
It's like when you're closer to the planet Earth, there's a lot more gravity, and you've got to get further and further and further, and once you do, you can be free.
02:52:11.000
You have to get away from the gravity of alcoholism.
02:52:23.000
You've got to get away from Moomajumba Babu and figure out a way to not need alcohol every day.
02:52:29.000
I don't know what the fuck you want to call it.
02:52:44.000
Okay, if you can do October, we're going to do...
02:53:00.000
But is that how you make it, you know, or is it...
02:53:13.000
Because that's what I really wanted to make sure we avoided.
02:53:18.000
I wanted to get the strongest amount of mocking of you possible without hurting your feelings.
02:53:34.000
If you need a shoulder to cry, I can put my t-shirt on.
02:53:37.000
We both know that when we did this fat shaming shit, it got out of control like this.
02:53:42.000
Meaning, like, there was a point where we were like, hey, you know I like you, right?
02:53:47.000
And that's what Joe just said, and I... Need that.
02:53:52.000
Real moments with every single one of you, and I know you're my friends.
02:53:57.000
All this shit that bad friends do, I know that.
02:54:00.000
But like, there is a part of me that goes like...
02:54:03.000
Especially if you do something stupid, we keep our mouths shut.
02:54:05.000
I have talked about you behind your back, but I don't know.
02:54:17.000
If it gets to the point where we can't mock each other, I just don't want to be here.
02:54:23.000
Sometimes you're the guy being mocked, and you're like, hey, everyone likes me, right, guys?
02:54:42.000
If you stop drinking, you could lose 15, 20 more pounds.
02:54:45.000
If you really do this, man, you will really trim down.
02:54:58.000
I said you will have your shirt off on stage and you'll have the shivers from being so fucking cold and thin.
02:55:05.000
They're not going to be happy when you take your shirt off and you've got a six pack.
02:55:10.000
And you do this, oh, I've got to stretch my back.
02:55:17.000
So my dad lives in Florida, which is down there!
02:55:22.000
So wait, this sounds like, though, it's just a Burt challenge.
02:55:28.000
That's one of the reasons why I was saying, like, it's already 3.30.
02:55:33.000
We have to figure this out today or it won't happen.
02:55:37.000
Is the challenge you can do this and then you have to fucking fake this In Shape challenge against us?
02:55:43.000
How about if I do this, I get to pick the next challenge.
02:55:56.000
You said it like Garth Brooks because of his social media stuff.
02:56:14.000
For me to get people to help me, back me in during this challenge.
02:56:34.000
If you want to get some balls, why don't you try to get Ron White?
02:56:39.000
Dude, I thought about that in the shower today.
02:56:56.000
And then whoever can join in can join in if they want to.
02:57:15.000
Your favorite principal in high school dies, and he says in his will, I want you to drink one more drink for me.
02:57:39.000
And we're taking natural disasters out of the equation.
02:57:43.000
Earthquakes, loss of family, animals, animal attacks.
02:57:54.000
You could twist your ankle 20 steps in and then you couldn't do it.
02:58:08.000
Now, when you're running hills, like Ari, that trail that you and I went down when we did that podcast together, that's not a 98%.
02:58:15.000
I think about that sometimes, like if I broke my ankle or something down there, how do I get out of that hill?
02:58:25.000
But I think I can crawl out of there pretty easy if I broke an ankle.
02:58:29.000
I think you're going to change your percentage again.
02:58:31.000
I think crawl out of there would be pretty hard.
02:58:36.000
What's your legit percentage you could do sober for October?
02:58:53.000
By the way, I think you're wrong, but I think it's way more realistic than any of the other two numbers you've given.
02:59:01.000
Kundalini Yoga you supposedly could do a psychedelic experience with.
02:59:16.000
And you know Danny, one of Eddie Bravo's black belts.
02:59:28.000
And he says that kundalini gives you a complete total psychedelic state.
02:59:47.000
You went to fucking Asia for a month with no cell phone.
02:59:49.000
You can't hang around here for sober for October and do kundalini yoga with us.
03:00:00.000
What I have heard from people that do it, if you do it long enough and correctly, you can have intense, full-blown, hallucinogenic, psychedelic experiences that rival mushrooms and DMT and all that shit.
03:00:13.000
Wait, long enough you mean enough times in a row or long enough in one time?
03:00:57.000
Intense cardio produces those same sort of weird euphoric feelings.
03:01:02.000
And you burn off the weed and start in your fat.
03:01:06.000
What intense cardio does is gives you that after weed feeling.
03:01:09.000
You know the after weed feeling when you're super high and the tail end of it, you just feel great?
03:01:14.000
You want to just put weed in the bucket and we'll do weed?
03:01:21.000
We should realize that Ari doesn't love us as much as he loves going to Vietnam and hanging out with people he doesn't even know.
03:01:30.000
15 days of yoga, 31 days sober, all of October.
03:01:43.000
I'm going to live off a backpack and sleep with weirdos.
03:02:10.000
Okay, on one hand, I don't want to do the not weed.
03:02:12.000
On the other hand, I think if he does sober but also smokes weed, it's just going to be a stopgap to get him right back to drinking heavily again.
03:02:25.000
It's just going to propel you into drinking more as soon as you can.
03:02:26.000
Like, when I'm in a heavy pothead, I'm like, oh, there's no weed around, but I can just get drunk tonight.
03:02:32.000
I'll tell you that, in all honesty, once again, I have a problem with teetotaling.
03:02:38.000
So if I don't drink, I actually won't do anything.
03:02:55.000
If I smoke weed, I'll probably end up wanting a beer.
03:02:58.000
What do you mean, like, you have a problem with teetotaling?
03:03:04.000
I get, like, seven days where I don't drink, and I go, fuck, dude.
03:03:13.000
Not no problem because the problem becomes the first day of drinking again, I get obsessive about it and I can't have a drink because I go, man, you're doing so good.
03:03:33.000
But you'll say you'll smoke weed and then drink again.
03:03:35.000
I'll say smoke weed just because if I see you guys at the store and you guys have a joint, I'd want to smoke weed with you guys.
03:03:40.000
We should get together and do what the young kids would say, hella bong rips, and then go take some fucking yoga classes.
03:04:13.000
Dude, I'll, whatever, ankle braces, whatever you need.
03:04:17.000
I'll be on the scram cam, that'll hold me accountable.
03:04:19.000
We move into a weird area if we don't trust each other.
03:04:23.000
By the way, I agree with you, but I don't trust Burt.
03:04:30.000
It'd be too crazy to say, just trust me on this.
03:04:33.000
After, you know, him saying he's in great shape and he can run a marathon easy, I have no doubts that he'd be 100% unbiased and completely clean.
03:04:42.000
First of all, it would help relieve ideas when they fucking keep their body cams on.
03:04:59.000
I think it'd be a wonderful opportunity for Bert to come clean.
03:05:07.000
Not that you're not coming clean, but that you're just...
03:05:14.000
I don't think there's a possibility that you would lie.
03:05:17.000
People would not trust you unless you had scram cam.
03:05:22.000
This isn't like what Bert's talking about before, sort of like fun and exaggerations.
03:05:28.000
But when you're talking to like one or zero, did you yes or no drink?
03:05:33.000
If I drank, I'd just start drinking again and let you guys know I don't mind losing a bet.
03:05:43.000
The fans probably would appreciate it if you would acquiesce.
03:05:49.000
If I do in Chicago or somewhere, if I go on the road and you want to scram cam me for a weekend, it could be a scram cam.
03:06:20.000
The fucking government gets involved with everything, man.
03:06:34.000
You pussies are shying away from the yoga part.
03:06:39.000
Hot yoga classes, you can tag on that, or I don't know how I do that.
03:07:01.000
And then the fucking district attorney just came in.
03:07:08.000
Oh, and we've got to set up notifications for the three of us, so we'll all get a message.
03:07:20.000
Like I said, this is some shit that men and women do when they have role-playing games.
03:07:24.000
Like, one plays the detective, and the wife plays the lonely housewife.
03:07:29.000
I can't help drinking martinis, you fucking dick.
03:07:31.000
He should wear it before we start and just fucking get hammered.
03:07:42.000
Hey, guys, Powerful Jamie coming up with Sober October.
03:07:54.000
No, you're confusing the fuck on everybody, bro.
03:07:59.000
Still, go through tomsagurt.com for the shirts, though.
03:08:10.000
Unless you're looking to buy tickets for all Burt's upcoming dates, you can get those at BurtBurtBurt.com.
03:08:31.000
It starts when he's already in D.C. No, no, I'm saying, but October 31st is the last day.
03:08:45.000
Oh, you don't want to see what I registered at night going into?
03:09:14.000
Ari, what I'm saying is, I need to stop a full day before October starts.
03:09:30.000
Wait a minute, isn't it the day and aren't we drinking?
03:09:44.000
This is the craziest thing you've ever said while two red plastic cups are in front of you.
03:10:02.000
And that's a really important thing if you want to get by this drowning world of prosperity.
03:10:11.000
So I will enter October sober is what you're saying.
03:10:24.000
I did hour 15. By the way, I'll be texting both you, and I don't mind for that first week hitting you guys up and finding one that we can all do together like a team.
03:10:37.000
So you're saying, if it does get too hot, it enters a danger zone, I can just sit on the side, drink a lot of water.
03:10:42.000
Not on the side, you sit on your mat and drink a little water.
03:10:45.000
And drink a lot of water, but you don't have to leave.
03:10:49.000
Hang in there, and use a little bit of dehydration.
03:10:52.000
Are we adding that, like, if you leave, Yeah, you're a loser.
03:10:55.000
If you leave for three minutes, you're a loser.
03:10:58.000
You can't even give me three times to leave for four minutes each?
03:11:08.000
I started doing yoga very seriously two and a half years ago.
03:11:16.000
That's the only other thing we haven't talked about.
03:11:17.000
Wait, you gotta also say, how much water do I have to bring in there to do that safely?
03:11:31.000
That first day I'm just trying to sit in there.
03:11:33.000
It's really fat and wide, like an elephant dick.
03:11:35.000
And I fill it up with ice to the top of small ice cubes.
03:11:43.000
The water gets to there, and then when I'm in class, for that 90 minutes, I'm drinking the ice is cold water.
03:11:49.000
Every five or six poses or something like that, you take a break and have some water.
03:11:55.000
Usually I just have a little bit of ice, so I've drank a whole 64-ounce thing in a 90-minute class.
03:12:11.000
When you can get through it, if you can get through 15 of those in 30 days, I think you can fucking get through a lot of shit.
03:12:19.000
I think you're totally right, and the amount of discipline you'll need on two fronts is great, but here's the other thing.
03:12:42.000
You know goddamn what I did not welch on a bet!
03:12:48.000
All I asked you for was BMI is a measurement of height and weight.
03:13:05.000
So ahead of time, we said he had to fucking measure his height!
03:13:11.000
And he was barely above FEMR! I'm not trying to say I'm lost in a bit!
03:13:16.000
I'm just trying to make an accurate measurement!
03:13:18.000
If you do an accurate measurement, I will fucking pay!
03:13:28.000
The Anti-Defamation League is after you right now for enforcing negative stereotypes.
03:13:35.000
You told me I was a Welsh fan when I just asked for a measurement of height!
03:13:39.000
And when I got the measurement, he was clearly like, no apology!
03:13:43.000
No, oh, it turns out, oh, it was right to ask for this!
03:13:45.000
How many tweets did you get calling you a Welsh fan?
03:14:03.000
Oh, you're voice breaking like Kevin McCallister.
03:14:07.000
All I know is I sent these boys to a basketball game.
03:14:14.000
I was on a fucking plane and guitar when you guys were fucking eating pizza.
03:14:19.000
You went to Asia for four months to get out of a bed.
03:14:30.000
I still had a guy in fucking some city somewhere.
03:14:36.000
Yeah, I was recognized five times in almost four months.
03:14:49.000
And also on the road, after shows, they'd be like, all right, we're going to pay for that shit.
03:14:52.000
Dude, I'd be on the road and I'd say something.
03:14:55.000
Why did you not tell people I emailed you and saying I was going to fucking pay off?
03:15:12.000
Dude, honestly, I'm telling you for real now, the first 15 to 20 days I was out there, I was fucking angry at you guys for telling me I was a Welcher.
03:15:26.000
I tried to say to have it too, but the fans wouldn't have it.
03:15:31.000
I remember being somewhere, and then I was like, someone's like, Bert, you look skinny.
03:15:43.000
I go, so for those of you who don't know, we had a bet going.
03:16:05.000
Yeah, that story bombed as bad as the last one.
03:16:11.000
Did everyone, when you were trying to explain the Game of Thrones, does that bother you at all?
03:16:15.000
By the way, I thought it was a very good story.
03:16:22.000
Tom, if you told a story like that, took center stage and told that story.
03:16:41.000
I'd be like, I drink too much, I'm super fat, my story's like...
03:17:03.000
It started with you saying you could be in a marathon.
03:17:25.000
Just go to that fucking neighborhood with all the Hasidic.
03:17:31.000
Find one of those women that looks like their nose is a toe and talk to her.
03:17:38.000
Find one with thick yarn hanging off their belt.
03:17:52.000
Why the fuck do you want to go to New York when it's October?
03:17:55.000
It's the best time of the year to be there, that's why.
03:17:59.000
Oh, the hot dogs are out there fucking right now.
03:18:17.000
I'll pay for a rental car for the entire month of October.
03:18:23.000
I will give you a food allowance, a daily food allowance.
03:18:32.000
And I will pay you a significant amount of money for every podcast you do with me in that time period.
03:18:44.000
This would be like you not seeing your family for a month.
03:18:47.000
All of us, we're going to do yoga together 15 times over 30 days.
03:18:57.000
A chick you haven't fucked yet is your whole life, Ari.
03:19:25.000
You didn't say it like it was a different person.
03:19:32.000
It's like if someone asked you for your phone over, it's 3-2-2-4-5-6-7.
03:19:38.000
Fucking, uh, there's quarters on the ground here.
03:19:48.000
I'm tired of you being on the other side of the planet.
03:19:59.000
We'll get closer, and we'll get healthier, and we'll run a marathon or something.
03:20:02.000
You gotta stop pretending that the Comedy Store is the greatest place on the face of the earth.
03:20:06.000
I'm not pretending that I'm saying I want to be 3,000 miles away from that.
03:20:10.000
Stop pretending it's not the greatest place in the world.
03:20:13.000
All of October, we'll work out some sort of financial arrangement.
03:20:19.000
I have no interest in riding around the Corvette.
03:20:28.000
If you get me a Honda Civic with GPS, that would help.
03:20:31.000
You're going to drive a Corvette like a goddamn American.
03:20:57.000
If you give me a 67 Mustang to drive around in for a fucking month.
03:21:08.000
What about a BMW... What if I gotta go to London for a week?
03:21:19.000
But I'm saying, what if I gotta go to London for a week for press?
03:21:32.000
I got to do a Netflix run of press for fucking London.
03:21:58.000
And then go straight from here to the fucking Joker's cruise?
03:22:03.000
The summer I gotta meet in New Orleans a couple days early.
03:22:06.000
We're not gonna work this out in the next five minutes.
03:22:14.000
The kids are used to not having you around, Hurt.
03:22:38.000
We're not going to hastily finish it off and then correct it.
03:22:40.000
I think we should talk about this and I'll announce it on a future podcast.
03:22:52.000
I'll lean towards doing it if we can figure it out.
03:23:16.000
So if we do that, if we do that, if someone doesn't do it, then what happens?
03:23:24.000
So then I have to fly home to meet my family for three days, then come back, and then go to London and whatever, but from here, face it here.
03:23:33.000
How about the loser has to throw a party for the other people in their honor and you have to do like ice sculptures and make it crazy and throw a crazy ass party.
03:23:51.000
All dicks and they're all pointed at Bert's mouth and they're shooting shit at Bert's mouth.
03:23:54.000
The ice sculptures are like Half-limp dicks that are dripping down on your face.
03:24:06.000
And then you, there's a picture of you with your eyes closed.
03:24:11.000
Yeah, if you're loving it, because if that can come out, if the artist is good enough to show how much you love it.
03:24:16.000
What's the measurable variable for if everybody gets to?
03:24:26.000
So if we all do it, then you do the decathlon, then the loser of that?
03:24:34.000
What he said before was, instead of marathon, what Tom said before was, He couldn't do 90 days.
03:24:41.000
But if he did do 90 days, then you could get the honor of challenging us to a marathon, which we would never...
03:24:48.000
The winner announces the events for the decathlon for who's the best in shape.
03:24:55.000
And the loser of the decathlon pays the winner of the decathlon the party.
03:25:13.000
Can the loser also have to shower the winner in good words and praise for a period of at least four minutes?
03:25:25.000
Maybe the winners should shower the losers with praise to rebuild their self-esteem after this horrific defeat.
03:25:34.000
It would show, yeah, that's ultimately what we're about.
03:25:37.000
We need four or five people to lift Bird up at that point.
03:25:39.000
Because for sure, Bert's going to die off around 13 yoga classes in 6 or 7 days and no booze.
03:25:45.000
So once you fail, can we all just stop at that point?
03:25:51.000
Who do you think at this table would have the hardest time quitting booze?
03:26:02.000
Ari didn't drink for the first like 15 years that I knew him.
03:26:05.000
I drink in New York because it's a New York fucking thing to do.
03:26:28.000
Who's going to have the hardest time with the hot yoga?
03:26:35.000
I'll probably have the hardest time because I get claustrophobia.
03:26:42.000
The most I've ever done it ever is I think I did three times a week once.
03:26:52.000
If I pass out in one, people have to drag me out.
03:27:00.000
We piss in your mouth and then you don't have a party.
03:27:04.000
If they drag you against your will, they take you out of there?
03:27:14.000
Listen, all you have to do is when you get to...
03:27:19.000
When you get to an unmanageable state of heat and exhaustion, just lay down.
03:27:26.000
And then when you feel like you've recovered a little bit, then you get back up.
03:27:31.000
Hot yoga is going to be a little bit difficult.
03:27:34.000
Yeah, 90 minutes is better because it shows between 60 and 90. That's what separates the girls from the women.
03:27:40.000
I'm saying, okay, I'll be the women and the girl here.
03:27:44.000
I think Tom's going to have the hardest time with that yoga.
03:27:51.000
You don't even want three times with a five-minute break?
03:28:00.000
Let it be a little challenging to you guys as well.
03:28:22.000
I'm not convinced that I could do it, and I'm the one who does it all the time.
03:28:30.000
I can't believe you can break without leaving the room.
03:28:34.000
I can't believe you're arguing as much as this.
03:28:42.000
And then the person who wins that challenge picks and gets to name the decathlon events.
03:28:56.000
We could have like a high school track meet, basically.
03:29:01.000
The benefit of choosing is that you, let's say, you know, you're like, well, I'm the best sprinter or whatever, so we have to do this sprint.
03:29:38.000
If you had the opportunity to create a gauntlet.
03:29:58.000
Can I break in here and say that's a long distance from a marathon?
03:30:01.000
No, no, no, no, but that's where I think I'd excel.
03:30:04.000
That's where I think I'd excel, you asshole fucker.
03:30:28.000
So you think that you could win one of these things?
03:31:05.000
By the way, this is why the decathlon is going to be interesting because we all get to pick our events.
03:31:09.000
What we do is everyone who doesn't come in first place.
03:31:13.000
I have the opportunity to come in first place because I didn't drink for a whole month and I did the yoga.
03:31:17.000
Do you feel like you could beat him in a sprint?
03:31:30.000
Listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen.
03:31:34.000
We all know he's going to be wrong, so hear him out.
03:31:43.000
If we call it a decathlon, do we have to do ten?
03:31:47.000
Well, if you're going to do a decathlon, it has to be four track and six field events, a total of ten events.
03:31:53.000
Competitions include 100-meter sprint, 110-meter hurdles, 400-meter event, 1,500-meter event, long jump, high jump, shot, discus throw, travel and throw, pole vault!
03:32:28.000
Joe, all I want out of this is for me not to drink in October.
03:32:33.000
We all have a good time all throughout October.
03:32:46.000
Special bonus points if you beat Rogan in any event.
03:33:02.000
I wouldn't be confident to say that I would beat you if you weren't so confident to say you'd beat everybody.
03:33:09.000
I'm the Japanese guy walking out in pride in a dress.
03:33:31.000
When I get up, I take a leak in the morning, and then I weigh myself.
03:33:41.000
I do have, like, when it comes to muscle twitch, I got that long strand.
03:33:45.000
I would like you to do that run I do with me one day.
03:34:01.000
And I was like, I know you guys smoked a joint before the uphill.
03:34:07.000
And I was like, I would never be able to do that because I would definitely be huffing and puffing up and uphill.
03:34:11.000
No, honestly, man, it actually dilates your lungs.
03:34:18.000
You can go longer because you lose track of what you're doing.
03:34:24.000
There's a lot of marathon runners that don't blaze, but they'll smoke a little bit before they run.
03:34:29.000
My thought on all of this is it would be nice if we all did something just like your weight loss challenge did, but I think the weight loss challenge, we might have missed the mark, quite honestly, with the idea that you guys could dehydrate yourself.
03:34:40.000
We didn't miss the mark because I said that's why they had to weigh in three straight days.
03:34:46.000
But listen, Ari, you're wrong, because that's super bad for your body.
03:34:54.000
It's not nearly as bad as dehydrating yourself like that.
03:34:58.000
Your body is normally processing alcohol if you drink on a normal basis.
03:35:03.000
But when you dehydrate yourself like 15 pounds of water...
03:35:09.000
Yeah, you drink 64 ounces while you're in class.
03:35:12.000
I'm drinking a fucking half a gallon in the middle of the class.
03:35:33.000
Why would you not be able to do it if I can do it?
03:35:42.000
If I run in, out, and come back in in under 50 seconds.
03:35:54.000
If you give me a bottle in a corner where nobody can see it, I can do that.
03:36:01.000
Like if they had that, the fucking room where you have the shit in.
03:36:08.000
You can't do an hour and a half without peeing?
03:36:10.000
Sometimes I can, and sometimes I really have to pee.
03:36:13.000
All you have to do is pee before you go into class, and you'll be so dehydrated while the class is going on.
03:36:23.000
I can take somebody with me to show, look, he's actually peeing.
03:36:31.000
What if your life depended on you holding your piss for an hour and a half?
03:36:33.000
Dude, tell them how to go three times in an hour and a half.
03:36:52.000
I'm just saying, I'll try not to pee, but like, come on guys, if I really have to pee, what are you going to do?
03:36:58.000
I'll tell you what, there's not a chance in the world that there's a way that I could have to pee so bad that I couldn't hold it in for an hour and a half.
03:37:05.000
I'll tell you what, if I pee before a podcast- I piss my pants at Batman.
03:37:08.000
The first Batman, I pissed my pants in the theater.
03:37:20.000
The odds of me not having to pee, now that I think about it, are crazy.
03:37:30.000
You gotta find me a safe class where I can piss in the class.
03:37:34.000
If you find me a safe class while I'm here, if you give me safety, a safe space where I can piss in public and not have to fucking deal with torments...
03:37:47.000
Can we please all get together to pick the car for him and set up a Corvette?
03:37:52.000
Can we set up being there while it's delivered?
03:38:04.000
Okay, well, if you could pick a car that you could drive, like if all of a sudden money became free, what kind of car would you drive around in?
03:38:23.000
Oh, you piss in that thing, and it fills up that bag that's on your leg.
03:38:32.000
And now pick up his car that we're going to be buying.
03:38:55.000
Yeah, they're really good off-road cars and Toyotas are like bulletproof Yeah, they're badass.
03:39:01.000
And I can take a day off if it's like a really nice night where I can go out there.
03:39:17.000
The point was that I wouldn't have to fucking...
03:39:29.000
It says, birth super October, hot weather, get it wrapped and I'll legit.
03:39:36.000
Maybe we should get it wrapped with that, what was that one, that one eat mushrooms t-shirt that you came out with?
03:39:52.000
What about like Holocaust Research is on the rack?
03:39:58.000
What about I rent you a car and I put that all over the car?
03:40:30.000
Burt Reynolds poses sideways naked on each side of the car.
03:40:58.000
The hood, like a fucking Firebird, a Thunderbird?
03:41:12.000
How about instead of a Corvette, we get you one of these new Camaro ZL1s?
03:41:18.000
That's a badass-assassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassass 650 horsepower.
03:41:43.000
I'm gonna get a six-speed one of these fucking things.
03:41:48.000
They're letting me borrow it so I can talk about it.
03:41:51.000
It's like a press car, so we're gonna review it.
03:41:58.000
And get that fucking thing, that picture on the front?
03:42:18.000
If you drive it and you realize it's a goddamn 2017 spaceship.
03:42:23.000
That thing goes zero to 16 in like three seconds.
03:42:29.000
On the back, on the tail of the car, it has to say, I'm a comedian.
03:42:43.000
Look at that image and look at that hood scoop.
03:42:48.000
How are you going to paint the painting on that?
03:42:49.000
That's going to be where the fucking sticker gets...
03:42:58.000
And it says, I'm a funny guy on the side of the car.
03:43:02.000
Do you know how American men, hot-blooded American males, are furious that you're even balking momentarily?
03:43:28.000
I don't think we got as far as I thought we were going to.
03:43:32.000
I mean, we're four and a half hours into this motherfucker.
03:43:34.000
We barely have a handle on how the fuck this is gonna go down.
03:43:42.000
That's the ZL1. See, pull up 2017 Camaro ZL1 Nurburgring time.
03:43:50.000
I think they just got some insane Nurburgring time.
03:43:52.000
I think it was faster than the Corvette Z06. That's a crazy car, man.
03:44:01.000
Now, this Z01 is the most exciting new American car in years right now.
03:44:07.000
And it's an affordable car, comparatively, compared to the kind of performance that the other cars like it, 7 minutes and 23 seconds in the Nürburgring.
03:44:16.000
That's faster than a 911 GT2 RS that's just under a McLaren F1, which is like, how much is that?
03:44:26.000
And just under the C6 Corvette Z06 and the Dodge Viper ACR. So it's like 1.7 under the Dodge Viper.
03:44:43.000
I mean, the difference between like one second here or there, it's just a lot of that times it's like understanding the course, course conditions, driver error.
03:44:52.000
I mean, you're talking about like really close margins.
03:44:58.000
It's impressive and I... I never got into cars, but I think that's...
03:45:05.000
But I'll probably drive it on the open road, and if I die, it's on your heads.
03:45:12.000
If I'm drinking a bunch of water beforehand and during, it's like you're just telling me I'm gonna lose.
03:45:21.000
I can compromise off I'm a funny guy or I'm a comedian.
03:45:50.000
It's three events, three events, the winner gets four.
03:46:27.000
You're like the hardest core Trump fan who's like, we're still doing a great job.
03:46:52.000
And I was like, oh, it was a good leveler of what fame was.
03:46:57.000
So I was like, you get recognized a couple times a day or a day.
03:47:01.000
If you get recognized at all in a week, you're like, oh, that's crazy.
03:47:05.000
I think the fitness thing, I think if I don't drink, I feel like I feel much better.
03:47:09.000
I feel like we went back in time and you're doing another Game of Thrones thing.
03:47:25.000
Well, once the three-eyed raven took over the boy's body, his eyes roll back deep into his head, and Hodor protects him from all the nefarious beings.
03:47:44.000
If everyone does the 30 day challenge, then we do a decathlon.
03:47:51.000
Why do you want to do a physical contest like that?
03:47:55.000
How about the fucking parties after the 30 days?
03:48:02.000
We shouldn't make this too complicated because we always keep doing them after Ari realizes that LA is way better than New York and decides to stay.
03:48:19.000
You go, and no, I'm not kidding on the back of your car.
03:48:39.000
Wait, wait, wait, but as soon as we- Anyone who taps out has to pay for it.
03:48:42.000
We're leaving a couple days before- Look at that fucking car!
03:48:51.000
Aesthetically, the side should also be- Shut your fucking mouth.
03:49:09.000
I mean, honestly, I think it should be bright blue or pink or white.
03:49:13.000
How about we give you a full pink wrap and then that's the cover?
03:49:23.000
How about we get you a hot pink Camaro for a month?
03:49:32.000
We should bring up the Amazing Racist stuff on the car.
03:49:36.000
You should point to a website where people can go and enjoy your previous work.
03:50:00.000
Or we can go red after that, but I just think it doesn't go as well.
03:50:12.000
How about you start wearing like an artificial fur coat and just go deep?
03:50:16.000
How about those yellow glasses that Hunter S. Thompson used to wear all the time?
03:50:26.000
How about you wear like a little fur on your neck?
03:50:28.000
You have to wear wardrobes at every yoga class.
03:50:39.000
Press your cock right up against your side of your legs so everybody can see, like, Jesus.
03:50:51.000
That stuff's some sort of a performance-enhancing drug.
03:50:56.000
It's like it works to enhance your performance at certain athletic events.
03:51:04.000
I feel like I said that, but somebody told me it was wrong and I forgot.
03:51:18.000
It had Clomathene and a bunch of other shit in it.
03:51:23.000
I think, actually, Jeff Nowitzki, the USADA guy, might have explained it to me.
03:51:29.000
What are the stakes for doing it or not doing it?
03:51:31.000
Viagra is not currently listed as a banned drug.
03:51:38.000
So if everyone does it, if we do it, if we don't do it, what are the stakes here?
03:51:42.000
Everyone who doesn't complete the whole challenge has to throw...
03:51:58.000
Yeah, obviously the person's doing it will pay for it, but make it nice.
03:52:04.000
You're going to have linens and a fucking DJ? Or are you going to have a good party?
03:52:07.000
Are you going to have a party that would be super annoying to go to?
03:52:15.000
I want Bill Burr there, I want Stan Hope there.
03:52:30.000
He has told me, and I quote, I do not like Burr Kreischer.
03:52:56.000
We should throw a really cool party that we'd want to be at.
03:52:59.000
If there's somebody that does clearly win, there's obviously some spin that it's...
03:53:19.000
Just the thought process that would allow you to jump ahead and say, me, I'm going to win.
03:53:28.000
Like, if winning, if we both do it, how are you going to beat me?
03:53:47.000
Why would you say that you're going to win, and how could you win?
03:53:49.000
Why would you be so quick to jump to the idea that you would win?
03:53:53.000
Carefully considering what the other options would be.
03:53:59.000
I'm a little competitive, and once this challenge starts, dude, I'm fucking committed.
03:54:20.000
I mean, I hear what he's saying, and I want to just believe him.
03:54:29.000
Hey, man, I feel like he could do a marathon easy.
03:54:37.000
Yeah, and I feel like he's quit drinking for many, many days, numerous times.
03:54:46.000
And I feel like other alcoholics are gonna be, fuck you Segura and Rogan and Shafir, you fucking assholes are ganging up on your friend when he needs you most.
03:54:55.000
What he needs you to do is validate all of his exaggerations and bullshit stories.
03:55:14.000
I think the party, though, is different, and it has to do with...
03:55:19.000
Invite all our friends, take a night off comedy.
03:55:52.000
Or provide me a safe scenario where I can pee in the room.
03:55:57.000
So, hot yoga, no booze, Sober October is our website.
03:56:09.000
I was trying to check out, and someone got it on our website.
03:56:21.000
It might be some person who's like an industrious.
03:56:31.000
Obviously, if you listen to the podcast, you know that don't be a cunt.
03:56:36.000
Maybe they didn't realize it and they'd be like, oh, yeah, my bad, my bad.
03:57:22.000
DrunkFatBird.tv if we get optioned for a series.
03:57:29.000
And to show that he could be a Kid Rock tattoo.
03:57:33.000
ISIS, if you just want to combat terrorism from within with a little simple yoga contest.
03:57:51.000
I'll be in Los Angeles September 13th doing a storytelling show in the main room of the Comedy Store.
03:58:02.000
New, whatever, pre-sale on Wednesday for Boston, Providence.
03:58:13.000
And I got a storytelling show in Denver at the Comedy Works, also in January.
03:58:21.000
Wilbur's on my shortlist for filming my new Netflix special.
03:58:38.000
There's a short list for where to do my Netflix special.
03:58:41.000
My short list is Austin at Cap City Comedy Club, Boston, The Wilbur, and I'm thinking a couple other places, a couple other small places.
03:58:52.000
I'm leaning more towards Comedy Club, but The Wilbur is like three comedy clubs stacked on top of each other.
03:58:57.000
The Wilbur is like very deep, or very shallow, rather.
03:59:13.000
I might go with you just to see what it's like to watch a set there.
03:59:19.000
Somewhere around January is when I wanted to make the decision of where I want to be.
03:59:22.000
I will say, if you do it at a club, keep me in mind.
03:59:34.000
It's got a lot of, like, Tom and I had a great conversation when you did the Troc.
03:59:39.000
People said Tom couldn't sell a ticket, and then he sold, what, six?
03:59:43.000
No, I did, I think, four or five, something like that.
03:59:57.000
Trust me, I know your story's better than you do.
04:00:06.000
That's another spot where you could do a special.
04:00:14.000
The cameras, the amount of seats you have to lose in such a tight space.
04:00:18.000
Like with today, with what they can do today with cameras?
04:00:21.000
You know, if you could really put a lot of small cameras up on the wall, mount them on the wall, get all your footage, and then decide what you pick.
04:00:29.000
And the only reason why you would move from the center shot is if someone gets in front of it.
04:00:36.000
If budget is not a problem, you could spend, let's say, four or five hundred thousand dollars.
04:00:44.000
This is my feeling on stand-up on television now, as it stands.
04:00:48.000
I feel like when you're watching someone in the audience, you're sitting there and you're watching them, you're seeing them like from the waist up, right?
04:00:55.000
Or close to it, at the store, something like that, which is like perfect environment.
04:00:58.000
At the Ice House, same deal, perfect environment.
04:01:04.000
The only time I think you should ever show side to side is if you have to edit something or if someone's doing something that's odd.
04:01:15.000
No, but here's what you do when you watch stand-up.
04:01:16.000
Your eye automatically on its own shifts back and forth.
04:01:22.000
You're not looking straight on at the stage the whole time.
04:01:25.000
As long as what they're saying is funny and it's good and they're locked into it, I think it's the best way to do it.
04:01:29.000
I don't think that's the best way to do it because you're conscious of the fact they're changing angles.
04:01:36.000
I think we're thought that it does because they do that with everything else, like music videos, rock and roll concerts, anything that people do, they go at it from different angles because it sort of stimulates your mind.
04:01:45.000
But I don't think, if you went to see a stand-up comic, you go to see Joey Diaz in the OR, you're watching him head-on and it's perfect.
04:01:55.000
You can do that when you're watching him from the waist up.
04:01:57.000
You can do that if you're watching him from where the head of the crowd is to him.
04:02:09.000
And I can tell you, from me going, like, I've been on TV for a while and I know what I'm doing, I still got a plethora of cameras, including a jib.
04:02:21.000
You should get something that flies around like a drone.
04:02:51.000
Two nights before, the Fox Theater in Oakland, and then I go to the Toronto, the Sony Center at the end of the month.
04:03:03.000
There's only tickets available for Tom's Late Show in Denver, and there are just a few, and I know that because I was just in Denver.
04:03:09.000
And I was saying it every show, because I got nothing but...
04:03:17.000
Denver might be the best place to do comedy in the world.
04:03:26.000
They're survivals of the people that travel from the Old West.
04:03:29.000
And there's a bunch of people that move there because weed's legal.
04:03:37.000
I think I'm there in November or something like that.
04:03:48.000
Still have a solid half of a room to move in Singapore.
04:03:55.000
How many people live in Singapore that are English-speaking?
04:04:05.000
Perth on the 11th, Sydney on the 13th, Melbourne on the 14th, Sydney again on the 16th, and Brisbane on the 19th.
04:04:12.000
I like how you said Brisbane and I like it from there.