The Joe Rogan Experience - November 14, 2017


Joe Rogan Experience #1039 - Iliza Shlesinger


Episode Stats

Length

1 hour and 57 minutes

Words per Minute

210.12332

Word Count

24,700

Sentence Count

2,683

Misogynist Sentences

122

Hate Speech Sentences

82


Summary

In this episode of Thick & Thin, I sit down with writer, activist, and feminist author, Caitlin Durante, to discuss her new book, "Girl, Logic: The Genius and the Absurdity." We talk about feminism, gender roles, and why it's so hard to be a woman in a male-dominated world. Plus, we talk about CRISPR-edited babies, and whether or not we should be worried about the future of human cloning. (CRISPR is the gene editing tool of choice for gene editing, and it's been around for a long time, but it's still pretty revolutionary in many areas of science and medicine. We also talk about what it means to be female in the 21st century, and what it's like to grow up in a world where women are expected to be more than just a little bit different than their male counterparts, and how to deal with that. Caitlyn Durante's book is out now, and is available for purchase on Amazon, Audible, and Barnes & Noble. If you're interested in buying a copy of her book, you can do so here: bit.ly/Girl-Logic-The-Away-Book. Caitlin's Book: Girl, Logic, the Ir absurdity: How To Be a Woman in a Male-Driven World Where They Can't Get It All Together, by Caitlyn's Book is available here. Book Recommendation: "Girl- Logic: How to Be a Feminist in 21st Century America." Book recommendation: "I Got the Rights to It" by Taylor Swift's "She's a Badass, Not a Good One" Books: The Good Girl, Not A Bad One by Taylor & Other People's Guide to Feminism, by Taylor, Inc. (Harper Collins, $19.99, $24.95, Booked, $16.99 We'll See You Next Week, $25,000, $99.00, I Got a Chair, $20,00, $29.00 I'm a Girl, I Got The Rights to it? The Good Thing to It? I'll Be Good at it, Too Bad at It, I'll See It's Good At It, $5,000? , I Can't Say That? by Taylor and I'll Have It, Too Good at It's That's a Good Thing?


Transcript

00:00:00.000 Alright, we're gonna go live.
00:00:01.000 In five, four, three, two, one.
00:00:05.000 So, tell me about your book.
00:00:08.000 Well, it's about feminism.
00:00:09.000 I just want women to feel good.
00:00:12.000 I got it here.
00:00:15.000 Girl logic.
00:00:16.000 What is the difference between, oh, the genius and the absurdity.
00:00:19.000 What's the difference between girl logic and boy logic?
00:00:21.000 Or do you know?
00:00:21.000 Because I don't know.
00:00:22.000 I can't tell you exactly the way men think.
00:00:24.000 Because I think if I did that, I'd be like, slow your roll.
00:00:27.000 This book is about me sort of noticing that women are always called crazy, psycho, psychopath, psycho bitch, you know, like, oh, she's insane.
00:00:36.000 We always write off women as crazy.
00:00:38.000 And women are expected to be so many things to so many people at once.
00:00:42.000 And it's these expectations that sort of...
00:00:46.000 We have to take into account all of this, and we try to be so many things at once, and we have to take in so much stimuli to process all this.
00:00:54.000 So our logic is sort of this circumlocutious way of thinking that seems insane.
00:00:59.000 Whoa, slow that word down.
00:01:00.000 What was that?
00:01:01.000 Circumlocutious?
00:01:01.000 Just sort of like going around in circles, right?
00:01:04.000 How does that work?
00:01:04.000 Say it again?
00:01:05.000 Circumlocutious?
00:01:06.000 Ooh, big word.
00:01:07.000 Whatever.
00:01:08.000 I like that.
00:01:08.000 I've never heard that before.
00:01:10.000 So it's like...
00:01:11.000 I'd never heard of the mad cow thing you were telling me earlier.
00:01:14.000 And I was like, oh my god, are we on...
00:01:15.000 As you were talking about it, I was like, please don't make me look stupid.
00:01:17.000 I don't know about elk having crazy brains.
00:01:20.000 But I just...
00:01:21.000 The boilerplate example is, you know, you say to a girl, what do you want to eat?
00:01:26.000 And that's always an argument.
00:01:27.000 It's like this common trope, like, my wife could never figure it out.
00:01:31.000 But it has less to do with women wanting to be difficult and more the pressure on just that one decision.
00:01:36.000 If I say pizza, am I doing a diet?
00:01:39.000 Do I have to be in a bathing suit later?
00:01:40.000 Did I go to the gym already?
00:01:41.000 Am I expected to be thin in this society?
00:01:43.000 And we take all of this into account for every micro decision.
00:01:47.000 And it's all about processing how we don't let everyone, including ourselves, down and all the thought that goes into it.
00:01:53.000 Now, this is you specifically.
00:01:55.000 Like, obviously, you're not speaking for all women.
00:01:59.000 I am.
00:02:00.000 Are you?
00:02:00.000 I actually am.
00:02:01.000 You got the title.
00:02:02.000 I got the rights to it.
00:02:04.000 I polled ten women.
00:02:05.000 They were like, it's cool.
00:02:06.000 It's sort of just honoring the fact that we get painted with these broad brushstrokes and there's so many...
00:02:11.000 And there's just so much that goes into the littlest things because we have to take into account how other people feel.
00:02:17.000 So it's easy to say, oh, just be yourself.
00:02:19.000 But when you're a woman, other people's perceptions of you can have detrimental effects on your future, on your safety, on your health.
00:02:27.000 She seems slutty, so she deserved it.
00:02:29.000 She seems like a bitch.
00:02:30.000 I don't want to give her a chance, you know?
00:02:32.000 So our perception versus the way that we are, we're constantly wrestling with these two sort of realities.
00:02:38.000 Mm.
00:02:39.000 Yeah.
00:02:40.000 Yeah.
00:02:41.000 I've often wondered, like, if you could, like, I believe that one day they're going to be able to, you know, today we have transgender people, right?
00:02:50.000 We have people who decide to have operations, decide to take hormones.
00:02:54.000 But I think one day they're going to be able to literally turn a person into a woman.
00:03:01.000 With, like, a shot?
00:03:02.000 Yeah, well, not with some sort of treatment.
00:03:04.000 I just feel like it sounds crazy to say today, people say, no, you can't change your chromosomes.
00:03:10.000 Well, today, you can't change your chromosomes, but 200 years ago, the idea of sending a video to someone in Australia would be ridiculous, right?
00:03:16.000 Right.
00:03:17.000 So, like, what we've been able to do just over a short period of time, relatively, is pretty staggering.
00:03:21.000 And if you look at, like, what they're doing with CRISPR, do you know what CRISPR is?
00:03:26.000 It's gene editing tools that they keep evolving.
00:03:30.000 They've gotten them to the point where they're starting to work on human embryos, non-viable human embryos, and they're changing the expressions of certain genes, stopping genes for certain diseases.
00:03:42.000 You alright?
00:03:43.000 Yeah.
00:03:43.000 I don't like this chair.
00:03:44.000 I knew it was an expensive fancy chair, but it's weird.
00:03:47.000 It can drop if you want to.
00:03:48.000 I like to have my legs close to my heart.
00:03:50.000 Oh, okay.
00:03:51.000 Interesting.
00:03:52.000 But the idea is that they're going to be able to make designer people.
00:03:57.000 Sure.
00:03:58.000 Right.
00:03:58.000 So this is less...
00:04:00.000 You're a woman, obviously, by genetics and your genitalia, but this book is all about the experiences, and this is more societal-based.
00:04:09.000 This is less about what you're born as.
00:04:11.000 That's what I was going to say.
00:04:12.000 I was saying, if you could...
00:04:14.000 I wondered if that was a possibility, if they could reverse it.
00:04:17.000 Would I want to be a woman for a week?
00:04:20.000 Yeah, for a week.
00:04:21.000 Just to see.
00:04:22.000 Just to see.
00:04:22.000 Just to play with yourself.
00:04:24.000 Just to stick stuff up there.
00:04:25.000 But I think that we don't know about it.
00:04:30.000 The closest you come to understanding a man or a woman, if you're a man or if you're the opposite sex, I think is living with one.
00:04:38.000 Sure.
00:04:39.000 Or having one.
00:04:40.000 Yeah, having one.
00:04:40.000 Yeah.
00:04:41.000 That's a big one for me was having daughters and just seeing how they just interact from the time they're one until they're older.
00:04:49.000 It's Some of it's biology.
00:04:51.000 Yeah.
00:04:51.000 You know, this whole, you know, and you and I have talked about or someone else, but still the sort of women excluding other women.
00:04:58.000 So this goes back to when we were hunters and gatherers.
00:05:01.000 If you didn't want someone to live, you'd turn your back on them and you wouldn't share information and then you and your offspring will die.
00:05:07.000 Right.
00:05:08.000 So some you see this in little girls like they're mean.
00:05:11.000 They're mean to each other.
00:05:12.000 Yeah.
00:05:12.000 And as you get older, you know, you're taking in all of this stimuli from society, all the messages.
00:05:18.000 And we have to process these things.
00:05:20.000 And then eventually you get old enough, you're like, fuck it, I'm going to do it my own way.
00:05:23.000 But there's still expectations placed.
00:05:25.000 And a lot of them are conflicting, like polar opposites.
00:05:29.000 Like you have to be sexy, but also demure, outgoing, but don't be too pushy.
00:05:34.000 And too pushy or outgoing, they're relative, depending on who's in your path.
00:05:40.000 So, and women have to take these things into account because we got to do everything second.
00:05:45.000 We didn't create professional sports or corporations.
00:05:49.000 We're late to the game for everything.
00:05:51.000 So it's a man's world and you do have to take into account those rules and it sucks.
00:05:57.000 But these are all the things that we have to factor in when we're making decisions.
00:06:01.000 And there's always going to be a certain amount of resentment if someone tries to do it a woman's way rather than a man's way.
00:06:06.000 You need a tissue.
00:06:06.000 It's never going to stop running.
00:06:08.000 You have allergies?
00:06:10.000 I don't know.
00:06:10.000 My nose just always runs a little bit.
00:06:12.000 Hmm, too coke much?
00:06:13.000 I hate when people do so much about me.
00:06:15.000 Your nose is so little, I don't know how you'd get coke up there.
00:06:18.000 You'd have coke rocks that would get stuck in your nose holes.
00:06:20.000 They're still stuck up there.
00:06:24.000 Like, I've wondered, like, I don't work, right?
00:06:29.000 I don't have a job, a real job.
00:06:30.000 And I haven't had one in a long, long time.
00:06:32.000 So the idea of, like, having a boss is alien to me.
00:06:35.000 And having a female boss is even more alien to me.
00:06:38.000 Sure.
00:06:38.000 So I was talking to someone who has a woman boss.
00:06:42.000 And we were saying that there's an interesting thing that happens where a woman can do the exact same thing and she's a bitch, whereas if a guy does it, he's stern or he's a hard ass.
00:06:54.000 Or it's all this, as women age, they're gross and men are austere or they're regal or they're sexy.
00:07:01.000 And those are kind of basic examples.
00:07:04.000 And I think we're moving away from that.
00:07:06.000 It's more nuanced things.
00:07:07.000 I, like you, really can't Identify with workplace issues.
00:07:12.000 I talked to some friends of mine and they're like, I hate that I have to dumb things down.
00:07:17.000 And in my domain, I work very hard to be the one in charge.
00:07:21.000 And men don't speak to me that way because they're opening for me.
00:07:25.000 Right, right, right.
00:07:26.000 I don't have that hierarchy.
00:07:27.000 Or they're the manager of the club.
00:07:30.000 And you've got to pay me anyway.
00:07:32.000 But it doesn't mean that I don't have a sort of sympathy for that and that I don't Understand what it feels like to be discounted.
00:07:39.000 What was the last time you had a job job?
00:07:41.000 Oh my god, a job job.
00:07:42.000 A job job was probably 2004. Four, five, six?
00:07:48.000 So that's relatively recently.
00:07:49.000 Yeah.
00:07:49.000 I mean, 12 years, 15 years ago.
00:07:52.000 Yeah, and I wasn't mentally present that much for it, and it was kind of relaxed, you know?
00:07:56.000 But, and also, it wasn't like, I wasn't trying to get ahead at that job.
00:08:00.000 So, 2006, so that being 11 years ago, that's like, you're like a base, maybe seven years ago?
00:08:07.000 Maybe 2007. Okay, so 10 years ago, 11 years, whatever it is.
00:08:10.000 Yeah, yeah.
00:08:10.000 You're like a different human, right?
00:08:12.000 So do you remember it very well?
00:08:14.000 What was the job?
00:08:16.000 The last job I had, I was an assistant in the marketing department of a large company that dealt with Blackjack.
00:08:23.000 It was like a new kind of Blackjack.
00:08:26.000 Oh, interesting.
00:08:27.000 But this nice Jewish guy hired me, and I was just there to answer the phone if anyone ever called, make some press kits.
00:08:34.000 It was monkey work.
00:08:35.000 And you were obviously doing stand-up.
00:08:36.000 I was doing stand-up at night and I would like spend the days sort of like soliciting people if I could get a spot on their show making flyers like I just use it as my own office and I didn't have to also the environment like I could wear pajamas to work like no one ever came to our office Right,
00:08:52.000 so it's barely a regular job.
00:08:53.000 Yeah, there's definitely, I was like, I'm in the workforce now.
00:08:55.000 I think that regular jobs, there's obviously a huge problem with the dynamic that men and women have in regular jobs, but there's a problem with men and men in regular jobs.
00:09:05.000 I don't think that it's normal for people to be working on top of each other, doing something they don't want to do for long stretches of time.
00:09:12.000 I think It's very difficult to be yourself.
00:09:15.000 You have all these restrictions on your language and the way you're allowed to communicate with each other.
00:09:20.000 And then you're obviously doing something all day that you would rather not be doing.
00:09:24.000 So I have two thoughts on that.
00:09:26.000 One, it's interesting because we have this corporate structure, which is really designed to minimize suing and to minimize issues.
00:09:34.000 But since humans aren't meant to be put in these boxes, I think it perhaps creates more problems.
00:09:39.000 We're too confined.
00:09:40.000 But it's interesting, I open a lot of my snaps on Snapchat, and you'll always get ones that are like, oh, 449, can't wait for this day to be over.
00:09:48.000 Hate work, don't want to go into work.
00:09:50.000 It's all about hating your job, which I don't understand because I love my job and I work very hard to have a job that I enjoy.
00:09:56.000 But I don't know if everybody, I talk in my book about, you know, your passion and finding it and whenever you can find it.
00:10:02.000 Not everybody's meant for greatness.
00:10:04.000 Not everybody's meant to be happy.
00:10:06.000 And some people are dumb.
00:10:08.000 And this sounds terrible, like I'm designing some master plan, but some people need to just go and do the shitty job.
00:10:14.000 You're not contributing your shitty job.
00:10:16.000 Not everybody is meant...
00:10:18.000 This is like some Hitler eugenics shit you're pushing here.
00:10:21.000 Make my fucking phone.
00:10:22.000 Be quiet.
00:10:23.000 Oh, no!
00:10:24.000 Because if you think about the majority of people you talk to, like, some people are not bright.
00:10:28.000 And no, you don't have the mental wherewithal to carve out your own happiness.
00:10:32.000 So do you feel like that's a genetic thing?
00:10:34.000 I don't know.
00:10:34.000 Or is that an environmental thing?
00:10:35.000 I don't know either.
00:10:35.000 I think it's a religious thing.
00:10:36.000 No, I don't know.
00:10:37.000 I don't know.
00:10:38.000 It just takes all kinds, right?
00:10:39.000 It does take all kinds.
00:10:40.000 But I always wonder, like, is it what they've experienced in their life?
00:10:45.000 Is it the family environment they grew up in?
00:10:48.000 Is it just their straight raw genetics?
00:10:51.000 Yeah.
00:10:51.000 Some people are just dumb.
00:10:52.000 I know, but what is that?
00:10:53.000 I don't know if it's nature versus nurture.
00:10:54.000 Can you fix that?
00:10:55.000 Well, I will tell you this.
00:10:56.000 I do think it's more nurture than anything.
00:11:00.000 Because I go and I read to kids at this elementary school, and they're all Latino.
00:11:07.000 They all speak Spanish.
00:11:08.000 There's not a blonde kid in the group.
00:11:09.000 And I think it's very easy to write off minorities.
00:11:12.000 Their parents don't speak English, whatever.
00:11:15.000 And the kids are so fucking smart.
00:11:17.000 And they're like four years old, and they're reading, and they're guessing things, and they speak two languages.
00:11:22.000 And you get chills because you're like, I don't know if you're going to have the opportunities I had.
00:11:27.000 And that kills me because I can see that you're smart.
00:11:30.000 Yeah.
00:11:30.000 And you want to take one, which is illegal, and put them in a good school.
00:11:35.000 But, I mean, that's just the way of the world, I suppose.
00:11:38.000 I think it's diet, too.
00:11:39.000 I think diet plays a huge part in the way a child's mind and body develops.
00:11:46.000 Yeah.
00:11:46.000 I read this article.
00:11:47.000 I want to say it was in The Atlantic, but it was about sort of the language surrounding and propaganda surrounding clean eating and how that term shames people who are poor because you're suggesting that their food is dirty, which it is to an extent.
00:12:03.000 But how clean eating is just for rich people.
00:12:05.000 That's a silly way of describing it.
00:12:07.000 No, it's not.
00:12:08.000 That's not what it means.
00:12:08.000 It means a lack of preservatives.
00:12:10.000 Right.
00:12:11.000 And bullshit.
00:12:11.000 Right.
00:12:11.000 And that's all in...
00:12:12.000 And Twinkies are affordable and they're filled with garbage.
00:12:16.000 Yeah, but lettuce is affordable, too.
00:12:18.000 I mean, it's not expensive to eat clean in terms of...
00:12:22.000 I mean, it's expensive if you want to go to Whole Foods, but...
00:12:24.000 Well, you have to define...
00:12:25.000 I mean, clean to everyone is different.
00:12:27.000 Right.
00:12:27.000 It's a weird term.
00:12:29.000 It is.
00:12:29.000 And this is just one interesting...
00:12:30.000 It was just one take on it.
00:12:31.000 I don't know if I totally agree with it.
00:12:33.000 But, like, I did the...
00:12:34.000 I started doing the ketogenic diet.
00:12:36.000 And my father isn't doing it, but he takes these exoketogens, I guess.
00:12:40.000 And he's like, my mind is sharp.
00:12:41.000 I'm focused.
00:12:43.000 And I think there was a bit of a power of suggestion, but I definitely don't have an energy dip.
00:12:48.000 And I feel like my body's burning clean fuel.
00:12:50.000 It's very legit.
00:12:52.000 I mean, there's a lot of science behind it.
00:12:54.000 There's a podcast that I did pretty recently with a guy named Dom D'Agostino, who's a scientist and does a lot of clinical research on the ketogenic diet.
00:13:02.000 And he can give you real raw, hard data.
00:13:05.000 But there's a big issue with your body burning off carbohydrates, especially in particular refined carbohydrates, and then spikes of insulin, and then the dips.
00:13:15.000 You just feel terrible, and you need a nap in the middle of the day.
00:13:18.000 I had been operating that way for so long.
00:13:20.000 I'm not saying I'm in light now and this will be it forever.
00:13:23.000 But I was like, yeah, you just take a nap.
00:13:24.000 President takes a nap.
00:13:25.000 People, most of Europe takes a nap.
00:13:27.000 You take a nap.
00:13:28.000 And I started doing this and I was just on this press tour and I went into it.
00:13:32.000 And this is sometimes just knowing that a change is possible is almost more important than the outcome.
00:13:37.000 I went on to this thing in New York, and every time you do press, it's like, you're up at 6am, you're done at 7pm, and it's a gauntlet.
00:13:43.000 And I always feel disgusting and tired and bloated.
00:13:46.000 And this time, I was like, I'm just gonna, I'm gonna do the ketogenic diet throughout.
00:13:50.000 And I never needed a nap.
00:13:52.000 I didn't feel like I outgrew my clothes.
00:13:54.000 Like, I felt like a human.
00:13:56.000 And I felt pretty, which is such a weird thing.
00:13:59.000 But like, there's nothing worse than being bloated as a girl.
00:14:01.000 And it's got to be the diet, because you're burning clean fuel.
00:14:04.000 And there's no dips.
00:14:05.000 And if you think about every time you reach for a snack, which is so easy, or a piece of candy in a green room, you're doing that to your body, the spikes.
00:14:11.000 And that's exhausting.
00:14:13.000 And that's why you're napping at 4 o'clock every day.
00:14:16.000 Yeah, it's not good for you.
00:14:17.000 And we're not designed to consume food like that.
00:14:20.000 We're just not.
00:14:21.000 All these refined carbohydrates, it's a massive part of the modern diet.
00:14:25.000 It's really recent.
00:14:27.000 Last few hundred years, humans have had it.
00:14:29.000 In the last hundred years, it's changed pretty radically.
00:14:31.000 I went to this thing called The Summit, which is kind of like a giant TED talk.
00:14:35.000 Yeah, I know what it is.
00:14:36.000 I did some stand-up there.
00:14:37.000 You did stand-up at it?
00:14:39.000 Yeah, I just went.
00:14:40.000 How many people did stand-up there?
00:14:41.000 It was just me.
00:14:42.000 Ben Glebe invited me.
00:14:43.000 Oh, okay.
00:14:44.000 And so I went.
00:14:45.000 What is Ben doing there?
00:14:46.000 He did some stand-up before.
00:14:48.000 And so I did it.
00:14:50.000 And then after, you know, it fosters this environment of sort of open-mindedness and just talking.
00:14:53.000 You can just talk to people.
00:14:55.000 And it was the first week of the diet.
00:14:57.000 So I had the keto flu.
00:14:58.000 And I had to leave the comedy store one night.
00:15:01.000 I had a second show.
00:15:02.000 And I was talking to Steve Simone about cheese.
00:15:04.000 And I almost threw up.
00:15:06.000 And I was like, I have to go home.
00:15:07.000 Because my own diet was making me so nauseous.
00:15:10.000 Because that's part of it.
00:15:11.000 You get sick at the beginning.
00:15:12.000 Yeah.
00:15:12.000 I never got that.
00:15:13.000 I just got tired.
00:15:15.000 I got it to the point where it was fucking with my workouts.
00:15:17.000 My workouts felt flat.
00:15:19.000 But exogenous ketones are the way to kill that.
00:15:22.000 So I was taking those two, but it's also, you're kind of like, you're reading stuff and you're kind of sussing out what works for you and trying to find the right balance.
00:15:30.000 Anyways, but I was not feeling well, but I was talking to everyone about this diet.
00:15:33.000 I was like, this could not be more LA. I'm like, hi, I'm on a diet.
00:15:36.000 Check it out.
00:15:37.000 Yeah, on the keto diet too.
00:15:39.000 On the keto diet.
00:15:39.000 That's big LA. And it's also like an intense thing.
00:15:42.000 Like you're changing everything.
00:15:44.000 So when you say you have a diet, people want to tell you what's wrong with it.
00:15:48.000 And I was like, my favorite part of a diet is people telling me how wrong I am for spending all this money and doing this.
00:15:53.000 And this one guy came up and he's like, I'm a vegan.
00:15:55.000 And I was like, okay.
00:15:57.000 And he starts explaining why he's basically a better person.
00:15:59.000 And I was like, but your shoes are leather.
00:16:01.000 So, fuck you.
00:16:03.000 And I was like, okay.
00:16:04.000 He's like, you're impacting the world in a negative way.
00:16:07.000 I'm like, okay, but do you recycle?
00:16:09.000 I was like, no.
00:16:09.000 Like, we all do what we can.
00:16:11.000 And you're not a better person just because you happen to eat only herbs.
00:16:16.000 Maybe you don't drive a Prius.
00:16:18.000 Who knows where you're making your shitty carbon footprint?
00:16:20.000 The real problem is the desire to project that on people.
00:16:23.000 Absolutely.
00:16:24.000 I was like this.
00:16:24.000 I'm not telling anyone to do it.
00:16:26.000 I was just saying what I'm doing.
00:16:27.000 I mean, you're not saying you're a better person.
00:16:29.000 No.
00:16:30.000 But him saying he's a better person for that.
00:16:32.000 Or he didn't say it, but he was acting like it.
00:16:33.000 But you know what I'm saying.
00:16:33.000 It's one of the reasons why people do that.
00:16:35.000 It's this moral high ground that they take.
00:16:37.000 That being said.
00:16:37.000 That being said.
00:16:38.000 When I see people eating garbage, I do feel superior.
00:16:41.000 I'm like, I'm not hungry.
00:16:42.000 Well, you realize they're doing something bad with their body.
00:16:44.000 It's the way I feel when I see someone smoking cigarettes.
00:16:46.000 Right.
00:16:47.000 I'm like, ah, man.
00:16:48.000 But I'm not going to say something to you.
00:16:50.000 You should walk up to them and start coughing.
00:16:52.000 Okay, can I tell you?
00:16:53.000 Yes.
00:16:53.000 I was at Starbucks the other day, and I just was running in to grab an espresso shot, because I have one every time I work out.
00:16:59.000 And I go in, and there's a girl there.
00:17:01.000 And, like, we're comics, so a big part of our job is sort of scanning people, identifying what they are, making assumptions, because we're usually right.
00:17:08.000 So this girl in front of me, and she's standing there holding a snack.
00:17:11.000 Because we're usually right.
00:17:12.000 We're usually right!
00:17:14.000 That's why we're successful.
00:17:15.000 And she's holding her snacks.
00:17:16.000 And I can see that she's kind of weighing her options.
00:17:19.000 Right.
00:17:19.000 One's an apple.
00:17:20.000 Yeah.
00:17:21.000 And I see her grab a banana.
00:17:22.000 Right.
00:17:22.000 So to me, for the most part, when women do that, it is about a dietary thing.
00:17:26.000 You're trying to lose weight.
00:17:27.000 She looked like she was maybe going to the gym.
00:17:29.000 I don't know.
00:17:30.000 So just trying to be a good girl to another girl.
00:17:33.000 Because I thought she was making a sugar-based decision.
00:17:36.000 I go, you know, bananas are full of sugar.
00:17:38.000 No!
00:17:39.000 Because I didn't know that.
00:17:40.000 I didn't.
00:17:40.000 Because someone told that to me.
00:17:41.000 Because you always think a banana is healthy.
00:17:43.000 You put it in a smoothie.
00:17:43.000 You put it in a shake.
00:17:44.000 I didn't know it had so much sugar.
00:17:45.000 So I just said it just as a, like, hey, girlfriend.
00:17:48.000 I didn't know this either.
00:17:49.000 And so she, and, and, oh, God, what did she say?
00:17:52.000 She looked at me and she said something and she was, and then the, the, the, the barista, like, got a tune.
00:17:58.000 She goes, fruit has a lot of sugar.
00:18:00.000 I go, well, blueberries have a low glycemic index and just bananas have more.
00:18:03.000 I just didn't know.
00:18:04.000 That was it.
00:18:05.000 I was just trying to be cool.
00:18:06.000 I leave.
00:18:07.000 I'm walking through the courtyard and I hear this, excuse me, and it's the girl from inside and she goes, did you know dyeing your hair causes cancer?
00:18:14.000 Oh, I'm sorry, that was it.
00:18:15.000 In the place, I go, the banana sugar, she goes, but it has potassium.
00:18:18.000 And I go, but we don't really know what potassium does, do we?
00:18:21.000 I mean, we know it's in bananas.
00:18:22.000 Like, I was just trying to be funny.
00:18:23.000 Right.
00:18:24.000 And I leave, and she comes across, and she goes, do you know that dye in your hair causes cancer?
00:18:27.000 I thought she was fucking with me.
00:18:29.000 And I go, yeah, but there's a lot of potassium in hair dye.
00:18:31.000 And she goes, you really shouldn't tell people what they should and shouldn't eat.
00:18:35.000 You don't know what I'm going through.
00:18:36.000 And I was like, I do now.
00:18:38.000 Crazy.
00:18:39.000 Oh, crazy.
00:18:40.000 Yeah, she was.
00:18:40.000 That is crazy.
00:18:41.000 That is crazy.
00:18:42.000 That is crazy.
00:18:42.000 So some girls are crazy?
00:18:43.000 Oh, for sure.
00:18:44.000 Okay.
00:18:45.000 Oh, yeah.
00:18:46.000 Some people are fucking...
00:18:47.000 If you're gonna, like...
00:18:49.000 You're going to tackle me in a courtyard and tell me to go fuck myself because I just said bananas have...
00:18:55.000 She got so offended.
00:18:56.000 Well, you are slim and maybe she was not.
00:18:59.000 She was fine.
00:19:00.000 She was fine looking.
00:19:00.000 She was fine.
00:19:01.000 Maybe she has a body image thing.
00:19:04.000 Who doesn't?
00:19:04.000 My point is, if you can't suss out that I was just making talk.
00:19:07.000 Jamie's super comfortable with his body.
00:19:08.000 Yeah, I'm pretty comfortable with mine.
00:19:10.000 Alright.
00:19:11.000 But the point is, and I asked everyone, I was like, was I wrong in saying the sugar thing?
00:19:15.000 Well, sometimes you just catch someone, like, I've always described it this way, like, most people all day long, if you're lucky, people are at like a two or a three out of ten on the outrage scale.
00:19:25.000 But you might run into someone who's at a nine.
00:19:27.000 For sure.
00:19:28.000 They might have just got dumped, their car might be getting repossessed, they might have just got fired, they might have just got yelled at by their mom, there might be like a whole series of things, and then you were behind her with the fucking banana Banana sugar!
00:19:40.000 This bitch!
00:19:41.000 If you're listening, which I doubt it, because you don't seem like the kind of person that wants to be enlightened, but if you're listening, this is not a good apology.
00:19:48.000 Maybe she knows about cancer and hair dye, and that's what she wanted to tell you.
00:19:51.000 Well, I'm not going to not be blonde.
00:19:53.000 I'm not gonna walk around with, like, roots just because it causes cancer, maybe.
00:19:58.000 I'm sorry if I offended you.
00:20:00.000 I'm sorry, banana lady.
00:20:02.000 Banana ladies, you need a hug.
00:20:04.000 Does hair dye actually cause cancer?
00:20:07.000 I've never read that.
00:20:07.000 What doesn't?
00:20:09.000 Like, what doesn't?
00:20:10.000 Well, living in a city causes cancer, for sure.
00:20:12.000 Oh my god.
00:20:13.000 It's gotta.
00:20:14.000 Big time.
00:20:15.000 It's gotta be bad for you.
00:20:15.000 They say that living near a highway, like, if you live within a certain distance of a highway, can shave ten years off your life.
00:20:24.000 I believe that, not just from smog, but anxiety.
00:20:27.000 I believe Twitter is slowly killing us.
00:20:29.000 I really do.
00:20:30.000 And I have a foil helmet to prove it.
00:20:34.000 The amount of anxiety it causes, I think the bad far outweighs the good.
00:20:38.000 Do you read comments and talk back to people and have conversations?
00:20:42.000 You and I had a conversation.
00:20:45.000 At the improv, where you were frantic.
00:20:47.000 That sounds like me.
00:20:48.000 Like a year ago, you were getting into it with someone.
00:20:52.000 God damn it, I wish I could remember what it was about, but you were fucking pissed.
00:20:55.000 And you were frantic, and you'd been going at it with all these people, and they were pissed at you.
00:21:00.000 Do you remember?
00:21:01.000 I wonder if it was the Make America Great Again thing that I went through, which was horrible.
00:21:05.000 It was something about racism.
00:21:07.000 Sounds like my run-in with hashtag MAGA. Maybe that's what it was.
00:21:11.000 But we were in the front of the improv and you were so fucking frantic and angry and frustrated.
00:21:16.000 And I said, let's just don't read that stuff.
00:21:20.000 Just don't, don't, don't engage.
00:21:22.000 Like you wouldn't engage with those people in real life.
00:21:23.000 No.
00:21:24.000 And you're like, you're right.
00:21:25.000 But I have to fucking tell them because they say this.
00:21:28.000 I can genuinely tell you this.
00:21:29.000 I gave it up.
00:21:31.000 I had like my own thing.
00:21:33.000 I did this interview and some girls got like butthurt over something.
00:21:37.000 And it was then that I was like, you know what?
00:21:39.000 I'm done.
00:21:40.000 I'm done reading all of this.
00:21:42.000 So I'll skim it once in a while for like a retweet about something or if someone's posting something.
00:21:47.000 But if you look at my tweets, they're all just sort of self-generating.
00:21:51.000 There's no responses anymore.
00:21:53.000 I've just decided, like, you're following me for a reason.
00:21:56.000 So what I say is what I'm saying and I don't need to backtrack.
00:21:59.000 And that's just the stance that I've taken because it really is like screaming into a pillow.
00:22:05.000 Like, that's all it is.
00:22:07.000 Like, with all...
00:22:08.000 And by the way...
00:22:08.000 But don't you find interesting things...
00:22:10.000 Do you find interesting things and then tweet them out to people?
00:22:12.000 Like, hey, look at this cool article I just read?
00:22:14.000 I will retweet people's things if I think someone's brilliant.
00:22:16.000 There's this girl, Jess Dweck, who I can't stop talking about, who has...
00:22:19.000 She's, like, single-handedly upending the Trump administration.
00:22:23.000 Like, her tweets are so brilliant.
00:22:24.000 What is her name?
00:22:24.000 Jess Dweck.
00:22:25.000 How do you spell that?
00:22:26.000 I think it's D-W-E-C-K. I think I found...
00:22:29.000 She's just so good, and I just believe in, if something's good, perpetuating it and putting it out there.
00:22:35.000 So I retweet hers.
00:22:37.000 If somebody says something funny, I retweet it.
00:22:39.000 But I don't answer people.
00:22:42.000 D-E-W-E-C-K. Just get ready for a boost.
00:22:49.000 Yeah, they're just hot fire.
00:22:51.000 But she does a good job, so I like to retweet it.
00:22:53.000 Oh, V-Dweck.
00:22:54.000 V-Dweck is her name.
00:22:57.000 She was on a show I did last night.
00:22:58.000 I did a women-only invite show.
00:23:00.000 Ooh, women-only?
00:23:01.000 Yeah.
00:23:02.000 Could I go if I wore drag?
00:23:03.000 No.
00:23:04.000 I'm not allowed to?
00:23:05.000 Nope.
00:23:06.000 What if I identify as a woman?
00:23:08.000 People ask that.
00:23:10.000 I was just like, you can come, but no one did that.
00:23:15.000 Oh, you can come if you identify as a woman.
00:23:17.000 If you're a trans woman, I'm not going to be the one to tell you no.
00:23:19.000 What if you just figured it out like five minutes before the show?
00:23:22.000 Yeah, then here's why you can't.
00:23:23.000 Because it's about a lifetime as a woman.
00:23:27.000 So if you were always a man, you probably just aren't going through the same things that a woman who was born a woman is.
00:23:33.000 But you can come.
00:23:34.000 I'm not going to be the one to say no.
00:23:36.000 What's your stance on transracialism?
00:23:39.000 It's okay.
00:23:40.000 Oh, sorry.
00:23:41.000 No, no, I didn't get that.
00:23:42.000 Yeah, like the Rachel Dolezal person?
00:23:44.000 Yes.
00:23:45.000 I don't think it works.
00:23:47.000 You can't be another race.
00:23:49.000 Well, how can you be a woman then?
00:23:50.000 How can a man be a woman?
00:23:52.000 If a man feels like he's a woman, why is that different than a man feeling like he's...
00:24:00.000 Like there was one I tweeted yesterday, a guy who believes he's Filipino.
00:24:04.000 I think he's transgender as well.
00:24:07.000 He's got both things going on.
00:24:09.000 You know, I think there's people that just don't like who they are and they feel like a radical shift.
00:24:13.000 There he is.
00:24:13.000 Let me say this.
00:24:14.000 Transracial man, born white, says he feels Filipino.
00:24:16.000 And by the way, that makes it into USA Today.
00:24:18.000 Is he a nurse?
00:24:19.000 He's dressed in scrubs.
00:24:20.000 Maybe that's why he feels Filipino.
00:24:21.000 I don't think that's scrubs.
00:24:22.000 It's like tie-dye.
00:24:23.000 It looks like scrubs.
00:24:24.000 This is where he has purple highlights in his hair.
00:24:27.000 Can I just say that it seems to be the issue is when white wants to be another color.
00:24:33.000 Everybody has been forced to sort of take on white characteristics.
00:24:37.000 Black girls flatten their hair.
00:24:39.000 Right.
00:24:39.000 Nose jobs.
00:24:40.000 Do you know about Sammy Sosa?
00:24:42.000 Yeah, and getting lighter.
00:24:43.000 Do you know what he looks like now?
00:24:44.000 Yes, I do.
00:24:45.000 Dude, he looks like you.
00:24:46.000 He looks just like me.
00:24:47.000 Tiny nose.
00:24:48.000 He doesn't have a tiny nose, but he has, like, literally your color skin.
00:24:51.000 So my best friend, her wife is Dominican, and she posted a picture of it, and she was like, this is not a joke.
00:24:59.000 It's so sad that he feels that he has to do this.
00:25:02.000 Yeah.
00:25:02.000 Holy shit.
00:25:03.000 Just look at that.
00:25:05.000 He's a fat white guy now.
00:25:07.000 He looks like the Gerber baby.
00:25:08.000 I mean, I guess he got off the steroids and that's when his body sort of started getting fucked up and doesn't work out anymore.
00:25:15.000 So he's big now.
00:25:17.000 Nobody white is outraged when you try to be white.
00:25:19.000 I think people of color get angry when it goes the other way.
00:25:23.000 Right.
00:25:23.000 Because they're like, you don't get to just take on our look as a costume.
00:25:26.000 Right.
00:25:26.000 And I think that's the social issue.
00:25:28.000 Yeah.
00:25:29.000 No, for sure.
00:25:30.000 But that's, I guess that's my only answer.
00:25:32.000 Right, but what if that's where you really feel like you would be happy?
00:25:36.000 I think do it privately.
00:25:38.000 Do it privately?
00:25:39.000 Wear a Dominican Day Parade costume under your overcoat.
00:25:43.000 Well, you can get away with some of it, right?
00:25:44.000 Like affectations.
00:25:46.000 Like you can get away with like, if you're a rapper, you can sort of talk.
00:25:49.000 Sure.
00:25:50.000 MC Search.
00:25:51.000 I think it's like teetering on that line, who's MC Search?
00:25:54.000 You don't remember?
00:25:55.000 Uh-uh.
00:25:55.000 Third base?
00:25:56.000 He used to have a TV show, and it was horrible!
00:26:01.000 It was a talk show, but he was going to keep it real.
00:26:05.000 Was he white?
00:26:05.000 Yeah, it was so bad that Opie and Anthony used to play clips from MC Search's show.
00:26:10.000 Is that him?
00:26:11.000 Yes, that's him.
00:26:12.000 Is he Jewish?
00:26:13.000 Because we do this.
00:26:14.000 We love hip-hop.
00:26:15.000 Yes.
00:26:16.000 Yeah, that's him from back in the day.
00:26:18.000 I was a big fan of Third Bass.
00:26:19.000 I love them as a band.
00:26:21.000 But his show...
00:26:22.000 Well, you know what?
00:26:23.000 His show...
00:26:23.000 Here's the difference between his show and what his show could be.
00:26:27.000 Look at that sweater.
00:26:28.000 Yeah.
00:26:29.000 That's awful.
00:26:30.000 But he...
00:26:31.000 He's being choked out by his own shirt.
00:26:33.000 It looked like he was also wearing makeup and he was also being, I'm sure, produced.
00:26:37.000 Yeah.
00:26:37.000 You gotta be yourself.
00:26:38.000 And you can't be yourself if you're on a fucking network.
00:26:40.000 You just can't.
00:26:41.000 They're not gonna let you.
00:26:42.000 They're gonna force you into some box.
00:26:43.000 Yeah.
00:26:44.000 They're gonna figure out a way to sell you.
00:26:45.000 Like, this is what you're gonna be.
00:26:47.000 You're gonna be the this guy.
00:26:48.000 I did a pilot for...
00:26:49.000 Look at him.
00:26:49.000 Hey, search.
00:26:50.000 I think it was Oxygen, and they were like, we need you to say things like, keep it 100. Ooh, can you say that for me?
00:26:56.000 Keep it 100!
00:26:57.000 I like it.
00:26:57.000 Y'all.
00:26:58.000 Keep it 100. I was like, this is just...
00:26:59.000 Nobody says that, you stupid fuck.
00:27:01.000 It was a while ago.
00:27:02.000 But this is how dumb they are.
00:27:03.000 Yeah.
00:27:03.000 People write that.
00:27:04.000 They don't fucking say it.
00:27:05.000 No one says, keep it 100, you dumb cunt.
00:27:08.000 Who are you?
00:27:09.000 Who are you?
00:27:11.000 And that's why I don't have a pilot with them.
00:27:13.000 But it's always that.
00:27:13.000 I always watch TV, and the advertising is always one step removed from what's cool now.
00:27:19.000 Right.
00:27:20.000 Because by the time they push it through corporate...
00:27:21.000 It's too late.
00:27:22.000 It's like, yeah, what's up?
00:27:23.000 Like, guess what?
00:27:24.000 No one's saying it anymore.
00:27:25.000 Right.
00:27:25.000 Remember what's up?
00:27:26.000 Remember that one guy that had that great video where it was like him calling his friends, what's up?
00:27:31.000 His friends were like, what's up?
00:27:32.000 It was hilarious.
00:27:33.000 That was like the 90s, right?
00:27:35.000 Here's another one that bothers me when people say, I almost threw up in my mouth.
00:27:38.000 You didn't invent it.
00:27:40.000 Stop using it in commercials.
00:27:42.000 Yeah, that's not good.
00:27:43.000 It's bad.
00:27:44.000 Yeah, there's a bunch of those that they use and they go, ooh, this will connect with the kids and we'll be able to sell more things.
00:27:51.000 Well, the worst is when execs go, we want to make a viral video.
00:27:56.000 I'm like, you can't.
00:27:57.000 It becomes viral.
00:27:58.000 It goes viral.
00:27:59.000 We'll make a viral video and then what was the other one?
00:28:02.000 When people, oh, it's bingeable.
00:28:04.000 When I was on Freeform, we want bingeable.
00:28:06.000 We want everyone to binge.
00:28:07.000 I'm like, you don't decide that you're going to binge it just because you put all your content out there.
00:28:11.000 You binge things because you decide.
00:28:14.000 It's It's bingeable.
00:28:15.000 It's hot.
00:28:15.000 It's now.
00:28:16.000 It's fresh.
00:28:16.000 Oh, God.
00:28:17.000 Oof.
00:28:18.000 How can you be in that industry and keep it real?
00:28:21.000 That's what I want to know.
00:28:22.000 Can you keep it real?
00:28:23.000 Can you keep it 100?
00:28:24.000 Look at that lady.
00:28:24.000 What is she doing?
00:28:25.000 Is she doing the dab?
00:28:27.000 She's dabbing on them.
00:28:27.000 Are you sure she's dabbing or is she just doing Tai Chi in the park?
00:28:30.000 No, it definitely says it on her shirt.
00:28:32.000 Definitely says it on a shirt that she doesn't know she's wearing.
00:28:34.000 I didn't realize that.
00:28:35.000 She can't read.
00:28:36.000 That lady's blind.
00:28:37.000 No.
00:28:38.000 She's 150,000 years old.
00:28:39.000 Look at that.
00:28:39.000 Hashtag keep pounding.
00:28:41.000 We think it's so funny when old people talk as if they were ever young and fucking.
00:28:46.000 Like as if they've never had sex.
00:28:48.000 I know, right?
00:28:48.000 Like that lady probably at one point in time was a dick connoisseur.
00:28:51.000 And now she's out there in the park not knowing what the fuck she's wearing.
00:28:55.000 She could still be a dick connoisseur in the park.
00:28:56.000 That's probably the best place.
00:28:57.000 Probably.
00:28:58.000 To be sampling dick.
00:28:59.000 It's probably hard to get a good one though.
00:29:00.000 At that age.
00:29:02.000 She's probably real tough.
00:29:04.000 Because it's all about enthusiasm.
00:29:06.000 I feel like dudes are pretty...
00:29:08.000 Down?
00:29:09.000 With old ladies?
00:29:10.000 Like old dudes.
00:29:11.000 Oh, yeah.
00:29:12.000 Well, that's an issue.
00:29:13.000 A friend of mine, one of his buddies worked at a old folks home and said that one of the big issues was these old guys would get Viagra.
00:29:24.000 Yeah.
00:29:24.000 And these old ladies, they didn't give a fuck.
00:29:26.000 And a lot of them are on antidepressants.
00:29:29.000 So they're like, la la la, who gives a shit?
00:29:31.000 Like they're on Xanax.
00:29:33.000 And they're getting STDs.
00:29:34.000 Well, I don't know if it was that.
00:29:36.000 That's something that I heard about.
00:29:37.000 Like, it's rampant because that's happening.
00:29:39.000 That's probably really bad when you're old, right?
00:29:42.000 Oh my god.
00:29:43.000 Like, your body doesn't heal so good.
00:29:45.000 No, I mean if you...
00:29:46.000 You catch syphilis when you're fucking 98?
00:29:48.000 Well, herpes is like an attack on your immune system.
00:29:51.000 There it goes.
00:29:52.000 The new erotic frontier.
00:29:53.000 Sex in nursing homes.
00:29:55.000 Until recently, nursing homes frowned on sex.
00:29:58.000 Now, increasingly, they smile.
00:30:00.000 Oh, well that makes sense.
00:30:02.000 Why shouldn't they have fun?
00:30:04.000 Look at this.
00:30:04.000 When Aubrey Davidson, age 85, met a special guy at the Hebrew home in Riverdale in the Bronx, New York, they did more than sit next to each other in the dining room.
00:30:14.000 He invited her to his room.
00:30:16.000 They hung a do not disturb sign on the door.
00:30:19.000 And at breakfast the next morning, they both sported broad smiles.
00:30:23.000 That's terrible writing.
00:30:24.000 It's not good writing.
00:30:25.000 Like that was written like a fourth grade.
00:30:26.000 But also calling it, what does the top say?
00:30:29.000 You see the new erotic frontier, you're like, ooh, and it's like sex in nursing homes.
00:30:33.000 You're like, oh, there goes the boner.
00:30:35.000 It sounded so hot.
00:30:37.000 Yeah.
00:30:37.000 It's not exciting for me, but there's a whole category on you porn for that.
00:30:44.000 Some people do like watching old people fuck.
00:30:47.000 You know what I watched the other day?
00:30:48.000 I'm not proud of it, but I will admit it to you.
00:30:50.000 I watched an old...
00:30:51.000 Say my special.
00:30:52.000 Porn.
00:30:56.000 I watched an old porn star still at it.
00:30:59.000 Stop highlighting.
00:31:00.000 I don't care about this article.
00:31:01.000 Sex always provides exercise.
00:31:02.000 Or this topic.
00:31:03.000 And at the time of life, when many elderly feel cold, sleeping as a pair provides warmth.
00:31:08.000 Aw, that's cute.
00:31:09.000 Oh, look at this, though.
00:31:10.000 They're like otters.
00:31:10.000 Go back to that.
00:31:12.000 Relationships make people happier and the happiness reduces stress and irritability and improves mood, appetite, sleep, sociability, and immune function.
00:31:20.000 So do plants.
00:31:21.000 Read that first sentence.
00:31:22.000 Oh, how dare you.
00:31:23.000 Read the first sentence as the Hebrew home.
00:31:25.000 That first one at the bottom.
00:31:27.000 The Hebrew home does more than tolerate resident Nookie.
00:31:30.000 Who wrote this?
00:31:32.000 Probably someone who works at the Hebrew home.
00:31:34.000 It's propaganda.
00:31:36.000 The faculty holds regular happy hours, dances, and even organized a dating service for residents.
00:31:43.000 G-date.
00:31:44.000 G for grandparents.
00:31:46.000 Great.
00:31:46.000 I like it.
00:31:47.000 That's great.
00:31:47.000 Whatever.
00:31:48.000 No one's getting hurt.
00:31:49.000 Yeah.
00:31:50.000 Who cares?
00:31:50.000 And they're enjoying themselves.
00:31:51.000 Because people fought for our country.
00:31:52.000 Some of them probably did.
00:31:54.000 Let them fuck.
00:31:54.000 This is like an age, like, there might have been a few draft dodgers from Vietnam in that mix.
00:31:58.000 What about Korea?
00:31:59.000 But, by the way...
00:32:00.000 The Forgotten War.
00:32:00.000 Yeah, by the way, neither one of those wars were they really fighting for our country.
00:32:03.000 But, no.
00:32:04.000 But they still went.
00:32:05.000 They still went.
00:32:06.000 But Vietnam was a draft.
00:32:08.000 Vietnam was a horrible thing, but they still went.
00:32:10.000 They still went.
00:32:11.000 Well...
00:32:13.000 It's not their fault.
00:32:14.000 It was a bullshit war.
00:32:15.000 It was a bullshit war.
00:32:15.000 For sure, but it's not their fault.
00:32:17.000 It was the most bullshit war.
00:32:19.000 The most bullshit war?
00:32:20.000 Well, it was the most bullshit war because it was literally founded on bullshit.
00:32:23.000 Do you know about the Gulf of Tonkin?
00:32:24.000 I know all about the Vietnam War.
00:32:26.000 The Gulf of Tonkin was a false flag that got us into Vietnam.
00:32:29.000 It never happened, this Gulf of Tonkin incident.
00:32:32.000 I'll take it a step further.
00:32:33.000 I think the threat of communism is something that we like to do to scare Americans.
00:32:37.000 And the poor Laotians just got caught in the middle of all of this.
00:32:42.000 I went to Vietnam and they still have...
00:32:45.000 I'm sorry, I went to Cambodia and they still have active minds.
00:32:48.000 We dropped, I think, more bombs.
00:32:51.000 I think it was several million or something.
00:32:53.000 And it's still an active thing.
00:32:54.000 People are still losing body parts to this.
00:32:57.000 And we're just like, whoops-a-daisy, sorry.
00:33:00.000 And they're not an angry people.
00:33:01.000 I don't know if the threat of communism was perceived as real, because I think if you look at the rest of the world, we were obviously in conflict with the Soviet Union, they were worried about China, Marxism and Mao and all the various issues that people had overcome.
00:33:17.000 I think they were worried that communism was going to spread.
00:33:20.000 I think it's just one of those things where once a witch hunt starts, like the McCarthyism era, That's really fucking scary.
00:33:28.000 That shit where they were going after people and ruining their lives if they went to a meeting.
00:33:33.000 Sure.
00:33:34.000 Like, if you went to a communist meeting.
00:33:36.000 I mean, we definitely blacklisting people.
00:33:38.000 Yeah.
00:33:39.000 You know, and it's a fine line because it's like, well, you're an American, so you have these rights.
00:33:43.000 And then, like, who's deciding that line?
00:33:45.000 I wonder if we're kind of getting into that now.
00:33:48.000 With what we're able to say online, with the whole sexual predator thing, which, if you want to talk about draining a swamp, it's great what's happening now, but then you're going to get guys who are like, I never did anything, and it's like, well, sorry, now no one wants to work with you.
00:34:02.000 Well, there's people that are absolutely guilty that are getting caught, and then there's people, for sure, that are going to get accused by people who really just want attention.
00:34:11.000 You're going to have that, too, but I think you're going to have way less of that.
00:34:14.000 I think you're going to have less of that, because I think the stakes are so high that For you to do that, for you to be the type of person that accuses someone just for your own personal gain, I feel like it's not going to happen as much just because it's such a serious thing right now.
00:34:26.000 It is such a serious thing, but there's so much weirdness to it.
00:34:29.000 Like, George Sakai, a guy who says he grabbed his dick in 1981. Hey, dude.
00:34:35.000 You let it go.
00:34:35.000 Walk that off.
00:34:36.000 Walk it off.
00:34:37.000 I'm sorry.
00:34:38.000 It's not as damaging as it is when a man does it to a young woman.
00:34:41.000 100% thank you for saying that.
00:34:43.000 It isn't.
00:34:44.000 That's so true.
00:34:44.000 I've been saying this on stage, and I have a bit I don't want to reveal it here, but there's a big difference between being threatened for your life.
00:34:54.000 If you're dealing with a situation like...
00:34:58.000 Alright, this is not to throw Louis C.K. into the bus, but someone was saying, what's the big deal if someone's masturbating in front of you?
00:35:05.000 This is what I said.
00:35:06.000 They've never had it happen.
00:35:07.000 You're a man, and if a woman was masturbating in front of me, I would not be worried.
00:35:13.000 You're not threatened for your safety.
00:35:14.000 Exactly.
00:35:15.000 I'd be like, okay, you want to do that?
00:35:18.000 Alright.
00:35:18.000 But if a man is doing it, and they're blocking the door, and it's a man that...
00:35:23.000 Look, I was in the green room, not the green room, the...
00:35:26.000 The bar area, the comedy store.
00:35:28.000 You know that little narrow pathway?
00:35:31.000 And this guy walked by.
00:35:32.000 It was about three months ago.
00:35:33.000 And he was 6'7", 300 plus pounds.
00:35:38.000 And when he walked by me, I just looked at him.
00:35:41.000 He looked at me.
00:35:42.000 I got physically nervous.
00:35:43.000 Yeah.
00:35:44.000 Physically nervous.
00:35:45.000 Sure.
00:35:45.000 Like I was thinking, okay, if this guy decided he was going to kill me, he was going to smash me, there's almost nothing I could do about it.
00:35:52.000 He's so much bigger than me.
00:35:53.000 That is how almost every woman feels around a large man.
00:35:58.000 This is the thesis for my last special for Confirmed Kills.
00:36:02.000 You have a thesis?
00:36:02.000 I talk about it.
00:36:03.000 It's at length how it all goes back to the fact, all of the suppression, all of your nervousness as a woman, all of it goes back to the fact that men are physically stronger than women.
00:36:13.000 Yes.
00:36:16.000 Yeah.
00:36:41.000 He can kill you.
00:36:42.000 Even a guy that's not that much bigger than me is still exponentially stronger than me.
00:36:47.000 And that's just the way we're designed.
00:36:49.000 It's not every woman.
00:36:49.000 It's not every man.
00:36:50.000 But women live with that fear.
00:36:52.000 So it's so insane.
00:36:54.000 They're like, he jerked off in front of them.
00:36:56.000 And at the time, this is a very valid thing.
00:36:59.000 At the time, I didn't know it was happening.
00:37:01.000 Because your brain isn't designed to handle a famous comedian's masturbating in front of me.
00:37:05.000 I'll file this away.
00:37:06.000 Well, not only that, how about it comes out of the blue?
00:37:09.000 How about you and I hanging out?
00:37:11.000 You're trying to process it.
00:37:12.000 You and I are friends.
00:37:12.000 We've been friends for a long time.
00:37:14.000 If we were in some hotel room somewhere and I said, can I jerk off in front of you?
00:37:18.000 You'd be like, what?
00:37:19.000 Yeah.
00:37:21.000 This is not like a rational request.
00:37:24.000 Like, hey, do you want to get some food?
00:37:26.000 Hey, let's go to the bar.
00:37:28.000 There's no neurological path to this where it's like, yeah, we'll go to the food bar and get food.
00:37:32.000 You just opened a door and dropped off a cliff.
00:37:35.000 And you're just, you're grabbing onto anything, so they giggle, they laugh, because that's a natural reaction.
00:37:41.000 You're like, okay, you can't believe it's happening.
00:37:44.000 A lot of girls, like Allie Reisman just came out, the gymnast.
00:37:47.000 The Olympic doctor was molesting her.
00:37:50.000 And another girl as well.
00:37:51.000 Yes, and the guy's already in prison for child porn.
00:37:54.000 Which is so insane.
00:37:55.000 I think at the time, especially when you're younger, I have good friends who are like, I was basically raped or assaulted.
00:38:03.000 And at the time, you're laughing and going along with it because you don't know.
00:38:07.000 Like your brain is like almost shutting down.
00:38:09.000 You're like, I don't know that it's not okay.
00:38:12.000 Well, especially if you're really young, right?
00:38:14.000 Sure.
00:38:14.000 I mean, if you're a young kid and you're not exactly sure, you don't have a context for this action.
00:38:20.000 Right.
00:38:20.000 And all of a sudden it's happening.
00:38:22.000 You don't know.
00:38:23.000 You just don't understand.
00:38:25.000 I almost got scooped up by a child molester once when I was really young.
00:38:30.000 I guess I was like eight or nine.
00:38:31.000 I was in the library and I was looking at these books.
00:38:35.000 And this guy came up to me.
00:38:37.000 I was always into monster books, like monster movies.
00:38:40.000 And this guy came up to me.
00:38:41.000 He's like, you like monster books?
00:38:43.000 And I go, yeah.
00:38:43.000 And he goes, I've got some monster books in my car.
00:38:45.000 You want to see them?
00:38:46.000 I said, okay.
00:38:47.000 Got a monster in my pants.
00:38:48.000 I didn't know any better.
00:38:49.000 I was fucking eight years old or whatever I was.
00:38:51.000 So I start walking out to his car and the librarian sees him and me and starts screaming.
00:38:57.000 She said, Joseph, you keep away from that man.
00:38:59.000 He just got out of jail.
00:39:00.000 And I was crying and I ran to her and the guy ran away.
00:39:03.000 But I think to myself, like, I had no idea.
00:39:06.000 I didn't know what a child molester was.
00:39:08.000 Sure.
00:39:08.000 I didn't understand.
00:39:09.000 You don't know.
00:39:10.000 And even if he tried to touch you, you're like, this feels weird.
00:39:13.000 I know I don't like this.
00:39:15.000 It's just such a gray area.
00:39:17.000 Especially for a doctor, right?
00:39:19.000 For a doctor to abuse.
00:39:20.000 And you think, oh, maybe he's touching me.
00:39:22.000 He needs to be doing that.
00:39:23.000 I don't know what went on.
00:39:24.000 But your sexuality, especially as you're younger, is so vulnerable.
00:39:29.000 Right.
00:39:29.000 Like, if you want to fuck up a girl's life, all you gotta do is go over and, like, grab her boobs as an adult and, like, that's it.
00:39:36.000 Just go up and grab some young kid's dick or, like, touch a woman's vagina and you're fucked.
00:39:40.000 Like, it's such a precious, vulnerable thing.
00:39:43.000 The fact that any of us get out unscathed is a miracle.
00:39:46.000 I had another one when I was 14. No, 13. I wasn't in high school yet.
00:39:51.000 So it was like the year before high school.
00:39:52.000 I used to go fishing at this lake and there was this old dude that used to come by the lake.
00:39:56.000 He was jogging all the time.
00:39:57.000 Me and my buddies would fish there.
00:39:59.000 And he was a former professor.
00:40:02.000 And he'd come by and talk to us.
00:40:03.000 He was always like really smart and articulate and interesting to talk to.
00:40:07.000 And he would sit with us while we were fishing and talk to us.
00:40:10.000 It was always super friendly.
00:40:11.000 And then he'd run off.
00:40:13.000 And then one day I went over his house.
00:40:17.000 And I didn't think anything of it because I'd been around this guy all the time.
00:40:20.000 And he watched me pee in the bathroom.
00:40:25.000 Didn't think anything of that either.
00:40:28.000 Like, grown man watching me pee.
00:40:30.000 He's like, normal.
00:40:31.000 And then, like, maybe a week later, he showed up at the pond where we would fish, and he was drunk.
00:40:39.000 And he told me he loved me.
00:40:42.000 And I remember thinking, like, I don't know, yeah, okay, I like you too.
00:40:47.000 It's weird because I'm fishing at the time.
00:40:48.000 I was like, what the fuck is this guy going on about?
00:40:50.000 And we were in a weird area of the pond.
00:40:52.000 There was like no one around.
00:40:54.000 And it was like a lot of trees and bushes and shit.
00:40:57.000 It was sketchy.
00:40:58.000 And I remember he said this to me.
00:41:00.000 He said something along the lines of, you can't have love without sex.
00:41:07.000 Just out of the blue?
00:41:08.000 Yeah.
00:41:08.000 That's his opening?
00:41:09.000 Yeah, he said he loved me.
00:41:10.000 And he said, you know, there can't be any love without sex.
00:41:13.000 And I said, what?
00:41:15.000 And I had a knife.
00:41:16.000 And I remember I had a knife and I put my hand in my pocket.
00:41:19.000 I had like a little folding knife and I held on to it in my pocket.
00:41:22.000 And I told him he had to get away from me and I'm leaving.
00:41:25.000 And he told me I was overreacting and I reeled in my line and got out of there.
00:41:29.000 But I was like, this guy wants to do something to me.
00:41:32.000 I'm 13. I can't do anything.
00:41:34.000 I'm like, maybe I might be able to stab him.
00:41:36.000 Probably not, you know?
00:41:38.000 It's definitely...
00:41:39.000 I think about that because...
00:41:42.000 Especially as a girl, and I hate to keep saying that, but it really does.
00:41:45.000 Like, it does affect us the most.
00:41:47.000 And, you know, you get in these Ubers.
00:41:48.000 Like, you're like, I'll just get in with this dude.
00:41:50.000 Right.
00:41:50.000 I'll just get in this cab and hope that he's not going to snap today, you know?
00:41:55.000 But it's not even a cab.
00:41:55.000 It's a guy's actual car, right?
00:41:57.000 So it's even more intimate.
00:41:58.000 Or just walking.
00:41:59.000 Or it's basically you're at, you know, you have to keep...
00:42:03.000 We're good to go.
00:42:24.000 You know, I don't know.
00:42:24.000 I think about those things.
00:42:27.000 So that's why it's tough when you're walking and you're a girl and some guy's like, smile!
00:42:30.000 You're like, I'm just trying to fucking survive.
00:42:32.000 Forget the smile thing.
00:42:33.000 That's such a bully move.
00:42:35.000 Because those guys who do that, they're only doing that because they're bigger and stronger than you.
00:42:39.000 Oh, and by the way...
00:42:41.000 Smiling causes wrinkles.
00:42:43.000 Does it?
00:42:43.000 And then when you have wrinkles, men don't like you.
00:42:44.000 What if you have Botox, you can't even smile?
00:42:45.000 I don't know about that.
00:42:46.000 But if you, like, the reason why a guy will do that is because he can.
00:42:50.000 Like, a guy's not gonna do that to a bigger man.
00:42:52.000 You know what I'm saying?
00:42:53.000 Like, a bigger man walks by, hey, smile!
00:42:54.000 Hey, fuck you!
00:42:56.000 You know what I'm saying?
00:42:56.000 Creep.
00:42:57.000 You're ordering someone to do something.
00:42:59.000 But moreover, I'm putting on a face just saying I don't want to be bothered because I'm scared.
00:43:05.000 And I'm trying to get from point A to point B. And you're preying on that vulnerability, thinking that I want that.
00:43:10.000 If I want to see your dick, I'll tell you.
00:43:12.000 If I want to talk to you, I'll look at you.
00:43:13.000 They're not thinking that you want that.
00:43:15.000 What they're doing is they're realizing that you don't want to have anything to do with them.
00:43:18.000 And by saying that, they have this power to affect you.
00:43:22.000 Well, what's scary...
00:43:23.000 Hey, why don't you smile?
00:43:24.000 You wouldn't look like such a bitch.
00:43:26.000 Right.
00:43:26.000 And what's scary is then, if you don't, I don't know what wrath that's going to incur.
00:43:31.000 When I say, fuck off, I better hope I'm on the other side of the street.
00:43:35.000 Right.
00:43:36.000 And what's funny, and I talk about this in the special, so I'm not trying to do a bit.
00:43:40.000 This is such a comic conversation.
00:43:42.000 We have this thing where a guy says something, and you're like, fuck off!
00:43:45.000 And you get tough, immediately followed by, what if he kills me?
00:43:48.000 It's always our thought, like, oh my god, please don't follow me.
00:43:51.000 Of course.
00:43:52.000 We came out of this show last night, this girls' night in show, and everybody was feeling great.
00:43:56.000 We walked outside, and this dude walks up and was like, anybody got a lighter?
00:43:59.000 You're walking into a group of five girls having a lively conversation.
00:44:03.000 You put yourself in the middle, and I walked away.
00:44:05.000 I go, ew, I'm not doing that.
00:44:07.000 And he started chirping at me.
00:44:09.000 What's your problem?
00:44:10.000 Who has a lighter?
00:44:10.000 And my fucking dumb friends are like, I think I do, sir.
00:44:13.000 And I'm like, this is not the time to demonstrate how compassionate you are.
00:44:17.000 Don't give him a lighter.
00:44:18.000 There's no reason to go anywhere else.
00:44:21.000 You're obviously a crazy person.
00:44:22.000 But that's another instance where a guy will do that because he's bigger.
00:44:27.000 Because he can get away with it.
00:44:29.000 A guy's not going to do that to a group of guys.
00:44:31.000 That's the reason why he's doing it.
00:44:33.000 He's doing it because he's a big dog walking into a room.
00:44:38.000 And sometimes, you know, for shows, like I have security thereafter.
00:44:41.000 And it's not, you know, I'm not Beyonce.
00:44:44.000 It's not like people are throwing themselves at me.
00:44:45.000 But I've found just having a large man, even if it's a friend of mine, standing next to me, deters even the beginnings, even the inklings of, let me step to her and see what's going to happen.
00:44:57.000 Just having one there.
00:44:58.000 Well, that's got to be a thing with girls that's different.
00:45:02.000 People get obsessed with people.
00:45:04.000 Guys get obsessed with girls.
00:45:05.000 Girls get obsessed with guys.
00:45:07.000 There's a lot of people out there that are unstable and they lock on to someone and they get obsessed with them.
00:45:10.000 Sure.
00:45:11.000 But if a man gets obsessed with you sexually, that becomes a giant issue.
00:45:16.000 And there is no separation, by the way.
00:45:18.000 You can't just be obsessed with me because you're like, oh, she's brilliant and I'm totally normal.
00:45:23.000 No, they want to have a relationship with you.
00:45:25.000 I had that happen.
00:45:26.000 I had a stalker.
00:45:30.000 It was a couple years ago, and I did a show in Michigan.
00:45:36.000 Was it Michigan?
00:45:36.000 Nope.
00:45:37.000 It was University of Delaware, and I was going to Michigan the next day.
00:45:40.000 And I did a college, obviously, and the woman working there, she comes up to me.
00:45:44.000 She goes, hey, there's a guy here.
00:45:45.000 He says he's your cousin.
00:45:46.000 And I was like, I don't have a cousin in Delaware.
00:45:48.000 So she leaves.
00:45:49.000 She comes back.
00:45:49.000 She goes, he says he's a comic?
00:45:51.000 From L.A. And I'm like, I don't know any comics from Delaware also.
00:45:54.000 And then she leaves.
00:45:55.000 She comes back.
00:45:55.000 She goes, he says, I go, stop.
00:45:57.000 Stop coming back to me.
00:45:59.000 This is obviously like several attempts.
00:46:01.000 And now security has to walk me out to the car.
00:46:04.000 So we do that.
00:46:05.000 And so I had it kind of in my mind like somebody did something.
00:46:07.000 So I go to Michigan.
00:46:09.000 And I'm in Michigan.
00:46:10.000 I'm there for a festival the next day.
00:46:12.000 And I mentioned, I just kind of mentioned, I was like, this happened yesterday.
00:46:16.000 And the security guard comes over and he was like, yeah, there was a guy waiting in the hallway after we cleared it.
00:46:21.000 And when I talked to him, he kind of ran away.
00:46:23.000 And I kind of got his name.
00:46:25.000 I think he like saw his ID for a second.
00:46:26.000 The guy was like trying to get in, but he was creepy enough that security like caught it.
00:46:31.000 So they showed me the surveillance tape.
00:46:32.000 So you see nothing but a grainy face and like a black leather jacket and what they thought his name was.
00:46:38.000 So a couple weeks later, I was going to play South by Southwest.
00:46:41.000 So I told my manager about it.
00:46:44.000 So she tells security there.
00:46:46.000 My buddy, I'm not going to say his name because he's very shy, is ex-army ranger and works for the contracts with the government.
00:46:54.000 And so I told him.
00:46:55.000 So he called the FBI. And they gave him with just the grainy photo and what we thought his name was.
00:47:01.000 And they found who he was, just some nut who, of course, has guns and has a record and lives off his family money somewhere in rural whatever.
00:47:11.000 And I was at South by Southwest and I had given and I felt bad.
00:47:15.000 And this goes to women feeling bad for taking up space.
00:47:17.000 There were way more famous people there than me.
00:47:20.000 But here I am.
00:47:21.000 I can't pick up my badge.
00:47:22.000 I had to go talk to the police.
00:47:23.000 Like, I had to have an escort everywhere.
00:47:25.000 I'm doing, like, a bar show.
00:47:26.000 You know, I'm just there to hang out with my friends, and I had to have somebody to all three shows.
00:47:30.000 And I felt embarrassed because I have this police escort, and, like, huge movie stars are there, and they don't even have that.
00:47:36.000 And I didn't want anyone to look at me like, who does she think she is?
00:47:39.000 But I was scared, and he had...
00:47:42.000 And so it was the last show, and I thought I was in the clear, and I go and I do my set, and one of the cops comes over.
00:47:47.000 They were like, he showed up, and we caught him.
00:47:50.000 But had they not been there, and they talked to him, and I guess they put the fear of God in him, because they were like, she doesn't want to talk to you.
00:47:56.000 And he goes, oh, I don't want to hurt her.
00:47:58.000 And I'm thinking, yeah, but your version of hurt and mine are very different.
00:48:02.000 Like, I need my skin.
00:48:03.000 You probably don't think it hurts to take it off of me.
00:48:05.000 Well, but how about you don't want to talk to him, period.
00:48:08.000 Like, I don't want to hurt her, but I need to talk to her.
00:48:11.000 Like, you never need to talk to somebody.
00:48:12.000 No, you don't need that.
00:48:13.000 And it's Texas cops, so, like, they get super hard for doing this.
00:48:17.000 Oh, they'll bury you in the fucking desert.
00:48:18.000 And they scared him off, and I've never had to deal with him.
00:48:20.000 But for months, at the improv, at the store, we had this guy's picture up.
00:48:24.000 Jesus Christ.
00:48:25.000 And I did nothing.
00:48:26.000 You know, it's just you decide.
00:48:28.000 Like, he goes, she communicates with me through meditation.
00:48:30.000 And Kabbalah.
00:48:32.000 I was like, alright, let him in.
00:48:34.000 That's like Jewish meditation.
00:48:35.000 Do you do that?
00:48:36.000 No.
00:48:36.000 I think Madonna was doing that for a while.
00:48:38.000 Jewish mysticism.
00:48:40.000 Wasn't Madonna, like, big on the Kabbalah?
00:48:42.000 Which, all these people that are, like, Kabbalists that have studied it forever, and she's trying to, like, hack it.
00:48:48.000 Yeah.
00:48:48.000 Well, she is Madonna.
00:48:49.000 She gets a velvet rope to the front of the line.
00:48:53.000 That was Janet Jackson's tour, the velvet rope tour.
00:48:55.000 I was?
00:48:55.000 I thought you were making, like, a 90s pop reference.
00:48:56.000 No, I was saying, like, she gets VIP to the Kabbalah Center.
00:49:00.000 The red string in the water?
00:49:01.000 What is Kabbalah?
00:49:02.000 Like, what, do you know anything about the...
00:49:04.000 It's the study of Jewish mysticism.
00:49:06.000 So Judaism is actually a very ancient, sort of mystical, spiritual religion.
00:49:11.000 And this kind of goes sort of back to its roots.
00:49:14.000 And it's something that you can't, because I've always been interested in it, you can't just pick up a book.
00:49:20.000 It's a lot of studying, a lot of deep-seated, dissecting Hebrew numbers.
00:49:26.000 It's not something you just decide you're going to do.
00:49:29.000 But I don't know much about it other than that.
00:49:30.000 Is it from ancient Hebrew?
00:49:32.000 Ancient, like it's, yeah, it's, yeah.
00:49:35.000 Ancient Hebrew is such a weird language.
00:49:37.000 I would love to go, it's like, I love looking at old languages because you're looking at like some weird art form in a way.
00:49:45.000 It was the first forms of communication.
00:49:47.000 Like if you look at it, you know, ancient Hebrew or ancient Arabic or Aramaic or something like that, like just the way those things are structured, the way the sentences are written out, I have this, um, It's several hundred years old, but it's a Thai Bible.
00:50:04.000 And it's on my wall.
00:50:05.000 It's written on these palm...
00:50:09.000 They took palm wood and flattened it out and painted it.
00:50:14.000 So it's this really artistic, weird thing that's framed.
00:50:18.000 But I just go by it and I look at it and I'm like, this is like...
00:50:21.000 I have no idea what the fuck it says.
00:50:22.000 But it's just cool to look at.
00:50:24.000 Sure.
00:50:25.000 Weird way of writing and communicating these people had.
00:50:28.000 It was also fascinating because they had the urge that we do to record everything.
00:50:34.000 People are going to look at ours in a million years and be like, why are there all these eggplant emojis?
00:50:38.000 Why is everything an eggplant and spurting water?
00:50:40.000 Why is everyone yellow?
00:50:42.000 But they had the same...
00:50:44.000 I always wonder...
00:50:45.000 Did they have, I mean, obviously they didn't have the same advancements, but like ancient Greece, like, did they have, like, what were young people doing?
00:50:52.000 Like, was it, what was your fun besides vomiting in a vomitorium and wrestling?
00:50:56.000 Right.
00:50:57.000 Yeah.
00:50:57.000 Well, I would just love to be a fly on the wall back then.
00:51:00.000 I mean, when you're talking about people that had very little understanding of how the universe worked or their rudimentary understanding of science, just to hear the wisest of the wise amongst them, try to figure out What makes everything tick?
00:51:13.000 Talking about how acne is the devil.
00:51:14.000 Yeah.
00:51:15.000 Yeah.
00:51:15.000 We want to talk about how women were treated then.
00:51:18.000 That's what's really weird.
00:51:19.000 It's like women have always been treated like shit.
00:51:21.000 Always.
00:51:22.000 It's always been some weird sort of relationship between men and women because we can get away with it.
00:51:27.000 That's really the bottom line about it all.
00:51:29.000 It's like what's happening today, I think, is that because of The ability to express now.
00:51:37.000 It's almost like something could happen to you in a bad way and no one could know about it, right?
00:51:44.000 Right.
00:51:44.000 But now everyone can know about it.
00:51:46.000 If you express it.
00:51:47.000 Yeah, if you express it.
00:51:48.000 Everyone can know about it.
00:51:49.000 Everyone can know.
00:51:51.000 Sure.
00:51:51.000 And now everybody's realizing that.
00:51:54.000 And there's like a shift.
00:51:55.000 It's like when Black Lives Matter really came to the forefront, you know, and all these white people are like, oh my god, I didn't realize America was racist.
00:52:02.000 And black people are like, really?
00:52:04.000 Because we did.
00:52:04.000 So all these women now are like, yeah, this shit goes on all the time.
00:52:08.000 And I even think about in comedy, you know, and I went on this like Twitter rant the other day about it.
00:52:14.000 This idea, it's an it's art.
00:52:16.000 Comedy is art and people feel ownership over it.
00:52:19.000 So you get these like boys clubs, you know, I'm very lucky in that I have clubs, you know, like you get like it's a group of dudes that run the show and they don't like girls, whatever it is, or the way a lot of guys make women feel.
00:52:30.000 And it's so insane.
00:52:31.000 I'm like, so because you moved to L.A. a year before me.
00:52:34.000 And you and your friends wrote the same jerk-off jokes.
00:52:36.000 You somehow think you own this art form that I've always felt a connection to my whole life.
00:52:41.000 Just because...
00:52:42.000 You get that?
00:52:43.000 No.
00:52:44.000 Not only that.
00:52:45.000 I don't mean you get it.
00:52:47.000 Do you understand it?
00:52:48.000 Does it happen to me?
00:52:49.000 Does it happen to you?
00:52:49.000 No.
00:52:50.000 And the truth is, I was able to avoid it because of what I did in my career early on.
00:52:55.000 Because winning a show like that makes you...
00:52:58.000 You get to headline.
00:52:59.000 So I was never...
00:53:00.000 So you were respected.
00:53:01.000 Yeah.
00:53:01.000 It's not even that as much as I just was never in the trenches as much because I got to headline, which is always the goal.
00:53:08.000 Like, I just had a different path.
00:53:09.000 How many years were you doing stand-up before you won last comic standing?
00:53:14.000 Whoa, that's crazy.
00:53:15.000 Right.
00:53:16.000 So, for me, I'm even more firmly, I guess, planted in my...
00:53:23.000 Yeah.
00:53:46.000 You know, it's like...
00:53:47.000 You've seen that?
00:53:47.000 I've seen that.
00:53:48.000 I'm not going to say names, but there are people who go out of their way to be horrific, and I never see the guys around us, and these are all, you know, contemporaries, say anything.
00:53:57.000 Because it's like, nah, he's a good guy.
00:53:58.000 He's our friend.
00:53:59.000 And women will DM me.
00:54:01.000 Female comics will send me messages.
00:54:03.000 This is happening to me.
00:54:04.000 He said this to me.
00:54:05.000 What do I do?
00:54:06.000 And I'm like, all you can do is be kind, work on your jokes.
00:54:09.000 Fuck that guy.
00:54:10.000 He doesn't mean anything.
00:54:12.000 But it is a thing.
00:54:13.000 But it does mean something psychologically if you have to go to the club and then you see that guy.
00:54:16.000 And if you see him right before you have a set.
00:54:18.000 Oh my God!
00:54:19.000 Yeah.
00:54:20.000 Oh my God!
00:54:20.000 I've had, you know, disagreements.
00:54:22.000 I was nervous.
00:54:24.000 This isn't you.
00:54:24.000 When you and I had the thing about your phone number, I was like, I don't want to run into Joe.
00:54:29.000 I'm so afraid of Joe.
00:54:30.000 And that's someone who's a friend of mine, you know?
00:54:33.000 It's already such a weird thing to go to work.
00:54:35.000 But the girls who are like, oh yeah, I... He told me I wasn't funny.
00:54:38.000 He told me I was a slut.
00:54:40.000 He told me this.
00:54:40.000 He told me I was too XYZ, too this.
00:54:42.000 And just as if the guy owns the art form when what breaks my heart is like real comics like you or like Sebastian or like people that I or Marc Maron, like guys that I look up to that I think are so brilliant.
00:54:54.000 They don't have time to sit there and get in the head of some girl who's just trying to make 15 bucks.
00:54:59.000 You know, it's not your M.O. It's only losers.
00:55:03.000 Well, I always feel that we're all in the same boat together and that if you have a vagina and I have a penis, it doesn't...
00:55:11.000 We're all comics.
00:55:12.000 I think the really...
00:55:14.000 God, it sounds like...
00:55:15.000 Even to be sincere sounds like such horse shit in this weird day and age because you feel like you're trying to cover up and try...
00:55:22.000 I'm not those guys.
00:55:22.000 Hey, I'm not that Harvey Weinstein guy.
00:55:25.000 I'm different.
00:55:26.000 I'm a sweetie.
00:55:26.000 You can come with me.
00:55:27.000 Yeah, I'm a sweetie.
00:55:28.000 We could sleep on the couch together.
00:55:29.000 It wouldn't even bother me.
00:55:31.000 You know what I mean?
00:55:33.000 But I think it's very important that all of us that work together...
00:55:40.000 Look, I can learn shit from comedy from you.
00:55:42.000 I can learn shit from anybody.
00:55:46.000 I've seen people do stand-up.
00:55:49.000 They've seen me do stand-up.
00:55:50.000 They do it different than me.
00:55:52.000 We talk.
00:55:53.000 You've got a different method than I do.
00:55:55.000 There might be something you see.
00:55:56.000 It's always...
00:55:58.000 We're all peers.
00:55:59.000 It's art, and we're peers.
00:56:00.000 But I feel like that with friends, and I feel like that with peers, and I feel like that with anyone.
00:56:05.000 You gotta be open.
00:56:09.000 And if you're not open, you're gonna miss stuff.
00:56:11.000 You're also very secure.
00:56:13.000 And I really do believe that insecurity, whether you're a woman hating another woman, whether you're a dude trying to step to another guy, it all comes from insecurity.
00:56:21.000 So when you're, oh, I run this show with my buddies, or I've been doing it three years, I'm owed the world.
00:56:27.000 You're told that you're owed more, right?
00:56:29.000 Oh, Concord show, but I should have more.
00:56:31.000 It comes from this insecurity of, if she gets something that I deserve, and it comes from this place of you think you deserve something.
00:56:37.000 And that was a big thing for me after I did the show.
00:56:40.000 The men that I had to tour with were horrific.
00:56:44.000 Like mental scars, indelible marks on my brain horrific.
00:56:48.000 Because there was this entitlement like how dare she take that, you know?
00:56:52.000 How dare you win the show?
00:56:53.000 How dare you not roll over and die?
00:56:56.000 So I see that, and I don't have to deal with it as much, but my heart breaks because I wish that these girls five years later could realize from a bird's eye view when it's happening, I'm like, but that guy's got nothing.
00:57:08.000 If you really are going to be that mean to a fellow comic, you obviously hate yourself so much.
00:57:14.000 Yeah, but you don't see that.
00:57:15.000 I wouldn't see that.
00:57:15.000 If somebody hated me, even if they were a loser, when someone hates you, it sucks.
00:57:19.000 No, no, hate yourself.
00:57:20.000 But if someone hates on you because they hate themselves, it still sucks.
00:57:24.000 I had a guy, when I started, I was doing these like comedy contests in like Orange County, which were a total racket.
00:57:30.000 But I don't even know the guy, I think he was another comic, and he was like a middle-aged dad.
00:57:34.000 And he would, on a weekly basis, write me hate email.
00:57:39.000 Calling me names that I had never been called in my life.
00:57:41.000 I was like 23 or something.
00:57:43.000 You're a fucking bitch.
00:57:44.000 Like just railing on me.
00:57:46.000 And I didn't like someone jerking off in front of me.
00:57:48.000 You don't know how to handle that.
00:57:50.000 I've never even had a woman be that mean to me.
00:57:52.000 And so I took it.
00:57:54.000 I wrote back a couple times like, what's your problem?
00:57:56.000 And he was just a crazy person firing off at someone.
00:58:01.000 And a year later he wrote me an email to be like, I'm in rehab now.
00:58:04.000 I'm so sorry.
00:58:05.000 I've got a wife.
00:58:06.000 I've got kids.
00:58:07.000 So you enter into this art form and into this city with the best of intentions, trying to keep your soul as clean as possible, and you have no control over the crazy that's going to be in your path.
00:58:17.000 You only have control over how you heal from it, I guess.
00:58:20.000 Yeah.
00:58:21.000 And I think every comic is crazy in a certain way.
00:58:24.000 Sure.
00:58:24.000 There's just no way around.
00:58:25.000 If you're funny...
00:58:27.000 I've never met a single funny one that wasn't fucking crazy.
00:58:30.000 They're all crazy.
00:58:31.000 It's just everyone's crazy is a different crazy.
00:58:33.000 Well, here's the other side of it.
00:58:35.000 So you get women and my whole thing is like you should be fired from your job for not being funny, not because you didn't like fuck someone.
00:58:42.000 Right.
00:58:43.000 But I think some people take it a step further.
00:58:45.000 They're like more for women.
00:58:46.000 I'm like, no, no, no.
00:58:47.000 Do the jokes.
00:58:48.000 Be funny.
00:58:50.000 You shouldn't get the gig just because you're a girl.
00:58:52.000 You should get a chance.
00:58:53.000 And you should have a chance to prove yourself and not have everyone stand in the way.
00:58:56.000 But this, like, more women in comedy.
00:58:58.000 Write the jokes.
00:58:59.000 Be fucking funny.
00:59:00.000 I will fight for you to get that chance.
00:59:03.000 But I'm not going to hire you just because you're a woman.
00:59:05.000 Yeah, the more women in comedy thing is like, I just want humans to be good at it.
00:59:10.000 I want good, funny people.
00:59:11.000 Yeah, and I think there are more women in comedy now than ever before.
00:59:14.000 But I think there's more people in comedy now than ever before.
00:59:16.000 So saturated.
00:59:18.000 It's so saturated.
00:59:18.000 But I think it's a good thing.
00:59:20.000 There's a lot of competition and there's a lot of support.
00:59:23.000 Like, one of the things that bothers me the most about any sort of weird shit that goes on with comedians, whether it's boy-girl shit or anything else, is that there's a camaraderie that we share that is very unusual in a fairly competitive art form.
00:59:39.000 Competitive in that...
00:59:41.000 I don't think it's as competitive anymore and what I mean by this is that I don't think that the idea of like getting a sitcom or being the host of The Tonight Show or you know these these limited number of gigs that are available I don't think that's where it's at anymore I think there's more people like you that are doing Netflix specials and me and we both do podcasts like that kind of thing I think is way more open to people and It's way easier for us all to be supportive of each other and supportive of each other in the art form of stand-up.
01:00:11.000 Like, what's important in our world is don't steal, don't be an asshole to your fellow comedian, support each other, and I'm gonna be there for you if you're there for me.
01:00:20.000 I think there's two things to that.
01:00:22.000 I agree.
01:00:23.000 I think it's also easier to be supportive when someone's undeniable.
01:00:26.000 I think when you're first starting out and when you're kind of in the clubs and you're all kind of fighting to figure out what you have, when someone's genuinely funny, man or woman, I'm the first one to be like, yes, love that.
01:00:36.000 I visibly fell over Sebastian when I bring him on stage.
01:00:40.000 And I'm sure he doesn't love it, but I'm like, he's the best.
01:00:42.000 I'm so excited.
01:00:43.000 And you are...
01:00:45.000 I mean, this sounds like I'm stroking your ego, but it's true.
01:00:48.000 You single-handedly, I think, change the sort of landscape in the way that we consume comedy.
01:00:56.000 You have this massive podcast.
01:00:58.000 You guys don't know.
01:00:59.000 We're in a studio that is at least two million square feet, and there are stuffed animals everywhere.
01:01:04.000 Once were, not teddy bears.
01:01:05.000 And there's elk horns, and there's an interactive dinosaur exhibit.
01:01:08.000 It's huge.
01:01:09.000 He's like a monster drink fountain.
01:01:11.000 It's crazy.
01:01:12.000 But...
01:01:14.000 You know, having this podcast and then people see what's possible.
01:01:17.000 So what's funny is you did this and you built this sort of podcast empire.
01:01:21.000 And there's other big ones, too.
01:01:22.000 But this is definitely one of the most consumed on the planet.
01:01:26.000 So then it sort of opens up this new avenue.
01:01:28.000 So then you get all these other comics on new podcast, too.
01:01:30.000 And not everybody's equipped to do it.
01:01:32.000 And there is, I think, a glory in being one of the originals because you kind of pave the way.
01:01:37.000 Also, I fucked up a lot in the beginning and got better at it.
01:01:41.000 Sure.
01:01:42.000 I was having a conversation with a good buddy of mine this morning about it, and he was asking me about conversations.
01:01:47.000 We were just talking about conversations.
01:01:50.000 There's like an art form to letting people talk in a way that's easy to consume for the people that are listening.
01:01:55.000 Well, you're a very good listener.
01:01:56.000 And I think a lot of...
01:01:58.000 When I started my podcast, I did it so I could work on my listening skills.
01:02:01.000 I was the first guest.
01:02:01.000 I know you were.
01:02:02.000 And that was so nice.
01:02:03.000 Talk about support.
01:02:04.000 And you did not have to do that.
01:02:06.000 And I think...
01:02:07.000 And I don't do a lot of podcasts.
01:02:09.000 I beg to do yours.
01:02:11.000 It was not like you asked me.
01:02:11.000 And I was like, I'm busy, Joe.
01:02:12.000 But I don't do a lot of them because not every comic is a good listener or equipped to do this.
01:02:17.000 Well, we were talking before the show started about some bad interviews you've done.
01:02:20.000 You know?
01:02:20.000 And there's always going to be...
01:02:22.000 It's like...
01:02:23.000 You gotta wanna talk to people.
01:02:25.000 I like talking to people.
01:02:27.000 Like this is one of the reasons why podcasts is a good fit for me is because I'm curious.
01:02:33.000 You're very curious, ape.
01:02:35.000 Yeah.
01:02:36.000 Very curious.
01:02:36.000 I like talking to people.
01:02:38.000 When I was saying, would I be a woman for a day, I want to know how the fuck your brain works.
01:02:44.000 I know you don't know how mine works.
01:02:47.000 And I know I don't know how yours works.
01:02:49.000 I'm fascinated.
01:02:50.000 And I think that we're trying to figure, men and women try to figure out our interactions with each other through trial and error.
01:02:56.000 Sure.
01:02:56.000 And when sexual harassment and sexual assault and stuff like this, what's coming out in the news with Harvey Weinstein and others, and even the Kevin Spacey stuff, what we're starting to see, the Kevin Spacey stuff is not very applicable to what I'm talking about because it's men doing it to men, but the Harvey Weinstein thing is,
01:03:14.000 it's like here's someone who's not even trying to think about how women think.
01:03:17.000 Not only that, he was trying to think, how can I do this the most?
01:03:21.000 He had like a network of people helping him exact that plan.
01:03:24.000 This wasn't like, I'm drunk, touch my dick.
01:03:26.000 This was my assistant's going to escort you in.
01:03:28.000 I'm going to send spies to try to cover this up later.
01:03:30.000 Like, it's maniacal.
01:03:32.000 Did you ever see that article from 1945 with, what was that woman's name?
01:03:37.000 I'll send it to you again, Jamie.
01:03:38.000 Oh, yeah, the lady.
01:03:39.000 Maureen O'Hearn.
01:03:40.000 Yes, the Irish lady, the actress that was like, if this is Hollywood.
01:03:43.000 Crazy.
01:03:44.000 Jamie, I'm gonna send it to you again.
01:03:46.000 Put this up on the big screen.
01:03:48.000 I got a better version of it where it's not cut off.
01:03:50.000 Hollywood is probably like, yeah, goodbye.
01:03:52.000 Yeah, this is 1945. She was complaining that people were trying to fuck her all the time and she couldn't get any work because they said she was cold.
01:04:00.000 She was like, in order to get work, I have to, like, leave my husband, get rid of my kids, and be just fuckable.
01:04:06.000 Here it is.
01:04:06.000 Irish film star Maureen O'Hara, sorry, today charged Hollywood producers and directors of calling her a cold potato without sex appeal.
01:04:14.000 That's an Irish slur.
01:04:14.000 Because she refused.
01:04:15.000 Cold potato.
01:04:16.000 Cold potato.
01:04:17.000 Refuses to let them make love to her, says the mere New York correspondent.
01:04:21.000 Can I read it?
01:04:21.000 Can I read it in her Irish accent?
01:04:23.000 Sure.
01:04:23.000 I'm so upset with it that I'm ready to quit Hollywood, Maureen says.
01:04:28.000 It's gotten so bad I hate to come to work in the morning.
01:04:30.000 I'm a helpless victim of a Hollywood whispering campaign because I don't let the producer and director kiss me every morning or tell them or let them paw me and have them spread words around town that I'm not a woman, that I'm a cold piece of marble statuary.
01:04:44.000 Statuary?
01:04:45.000 That's a good word.
01:04:57.000 Isn't that crazy?
01:04:58.000 How good my accent is, yeah.
01:04:59.000 It's very good.
01:05:01.000 But it's so real!
01:05:02.000 But this is what I've always said about Hollywood, and this is one of the real problems with the people that are involved in the business, not just in terms of the way it's set up, but the problems for the person that's doing it, that's trying to be an actor or an actress.
01:05:17.000 Here's the problem.
01:05:18.000 You have to get picked.
01:05:20.000 So because you have to get picked, you have to go into places like, please like me.
01:05:24.000 And you're already fucking insecure, which is why you're an actress in the first place.
01:05:28.000 The reason why you're an actor in the first place is because you want an exorbitant amount of attention.
01:05:31.000 You probably didn't get it when you were younger.
01:05:33.000 There's something missing.
01:05:35.000 What about people like Daniel Day-Lewis?
01:05:36.000 Oh, he's a different cat.
01:05:37.000 Yeah, or like Christian Bale.
01:05:39.000 There's a few of those freaks out there.
01:05:41.000 There's a few of those freaks.
01:05:42.000 Especially Daniel Day-Lewis.
01:05:43.000 He's been working the last two years as a cobbler.
01:05:46.000 Yeah, making fucking shoes.
01:05:47.000 He's my favorite.
01:05:48.000 I love that guy.
01:05:49.000 He's such a weirdo.
01:05:50.000 And then when you watch him in some movies, there will be blood, and you're like, oh, okay.
01:05:56.000 You're not even really acting.
01:05:58.000 You just become new people.
01:05:59.000 Yeah.
01:06:00.000 There is that.
01:06:01.000 He becomes the guy on the set all the time.
01:06:03.000 He's the guy all day.
01:06:05.000 I don't want to spend that much time outside of my body.
01:06:07.000 I don't either.
01:06:08.000 But the problem that I faced when I first came here was, first of all, I never wanted to act.
01:06:15.000 I had zero intention to act.
01:06:17.000 I wanted to be a comic.
01:06:18.000 But then I started getting these development deals.
01:06:20.000 Mm-hmm.
01:06:21.000 I went on two auditions in my very first, my early days of being an actor.
01:06:28.000 I got both shows.
01:06:30.000 I got this show called Hardball, and then I got News Radio.
01:06:33.000 Those are the first two auditions that I ever went on.
01:06:36.000 I just got lucky.
01:06:39.000 I mean, I got as fucking lucky as a person can get.
01:06:42.000 Yeah.
01:06:42.000 Part of it was because I didn't want to do acting, so I wasn't nervous about it.
01:06:46.000 That is a thing.
01:06:47.000 And also, I was coming from fighting, so I was used to really being nervous.
01:06:52.000 Sure, the stakes were so low for you.
01:06:54.000 Yeah, so I could go in there like, hey, what's up?
01:06:56.000 How you guys doing?
01:06:57.000 I was fine.
01:06:58.000 Like, is this a kick in the nose?
01:06:59.000 Nope, then it's fine.
01:07:00.000 Yeah, I'm not going to get a concussion and bleed out of my ears.
01:07:04.000 But this environment where you're always wanting to get picked...
01:07:08.000 That's why everybody out here is fucking left-wing.
01:07:11.000 It's not even they're really left-wing.
01:07:13.000 They have to be.
01:07:14.000 You have to wear a pink pussy hat.
01:07:16.000 You have to say, you know, all the things you need to say.
01:07:21.000 You're literally formulating an act.
01:07:24.000 And you bring that act into auditions.
01:07:26.000 You bring that act onto the red carpet.
01:07:29.000 That's why you're seeing these people like Harvey Weinstein who would donate to the Clinton campaign and do all this...
01:07:36.000 What seemed to be like very left-wing stuff, you know, and he was the darling of left-wing.
01:07:41.000 He's Miramax, which is like really kind of a progressive studio, people have thought.
01:07:46.000 Meanwhile, it's just a house of sexual assault.
01:07:49.000 I mean, I think you can be a total pervert and have good politics, bad politics, I don't think.
01:07:54.000 But that's not a pervert, right?
01:07:55.000 There's a big difference between what he is and a pervert.
01:07:57.000 Fine, a total psychopath, predator.
01:08:00.000 And it's interesting, too, because, look, Donald Trump's a fucking...
01:08:04.000 He's the worst.
01:08:06.000 That being said, we're going out and we're attacking people.
01:08:10.000 There are people like, I don't speak to my parents.
01:08:11.000 They voted for Trump.
01:08:12.000 And I'm like, cool.
01:08:13.000 Well, when they're dead, you can rethink those four years, you know?
01:08:17.000 And we out actors.
01:08:19.000 Like, he's a Republican.
01:08:21.000 Like, what are you doing?
01:08:23.000 Well, some of them revel in it, right?
01:08:24.000 Like James Woods.
01:08:25.000 That guy's hilarious.
01:08:26.000 He's on Twitter all day long fighting with liberals.
01:08:28.000 Yeah, but he also was not of the best moral ground.
01:08:31.000 Here's something interesting.
01:08:33.000 On my book, there is a Weinstein logo.
01:08:37.000 My book is the last one to be published.
01:08:40.000 Get the fuck out of here.
01:08:41.000 It's on the back.
01:08:42.000 Sorry, it's on the spine.
01:08:44.000 Oh my goodness.
01:08:45.000 And what I've been likening it to, and I feel like the people...
01:08:47.000 Now it's a shit.
01:08:48.000 They got absorbed.
01:08:49.000 Weinstein Books was only two women.
01:08:51.000 It wasn't a huge company.
01:08:52.000 I'd never met him or anything.
01:08:54.000 I liken it to when your grandpa comes back from World War II and he brings back a plate with a Nazi insignia on it.
01:09:01.000 Because they made their own shit.
01:09:03.000 Nazis had a whole HomeGoods line.
01:09:06.000 And he brings that one thing back.
01:09:07.000 That's what that book is like.
01:09:08.000 One of the last ones with the W. Now they don't have them anymore.
01:09:12.000 Well, look, before this had happened, anybody would have done a Miramax movie.
01:09:17.000 Sure.
01:09:17.000 I mean, he was the guy.
01:09:19.000 I mean, the fucking movies that they put together, they put together some of the greatest movies of all time.
01:09:23.000 I think it's crazy.
01:09:25.000 I think we're getting to a place now where we're realizing, oh yeah, for every...
01:09:29.000 Everything, there's an upside down.
01:09:31.000 There's an upside down world.
01:09:32.000 Ooh, a stranger thing.
01:09:34.000 Yeah.
01:09:34.000 There's an underbelly to everything.
01:09:36.000 Every business you can think of, there is a seedy, horrible side of it with horrible people.
01:09:41.000 And most of us choose to live in the light and think things are good.
01:09:45.000 Every industry has that.
01:09:46.000 And we're just at a place now where we're kind of shaking it out and people are coming forward.
01:09:50.000 But this has always existed and it's rampant.
01:09:54.000 In every business.
01:09:55.000 Don't you think there's also, there's like, there's systems, right?
01:10:02.000 And systems of power where someone gets to a position where they have this massive amount of power, almost like royalty.
01:10:12.000 Yeah.
01:10:14.000 What a guy like Harvey Weinstein was essentially like a royal in some ways, right?
01:10:19.000 Like he had massive power, right?
01:10:22.000 Massive money.
01:10:24.000 All these people terrified of him.
01:10:25.000 This big booming figure.
01:10:27.000 Almost like a king that would cut your head off, right?
01:10:30.000 And...
01:10:38.000 Sure.
01:10:40.000 Sure.
01:10:43.000 Sure.
01:11:14.000 That's what they're thinking Right.
01:11:17.000 Right.
01:11:38.000 You know, so there's a paradigm shift where people are now speaking.
01:11:42.000 And in terms of, like, if you're talking about exalting one position and someone getting chosen, that's shifting, too.
01:11:47.000 People are like, fuck it.
01:11:48.000 I got a cell phone.
01:11:49.000 I don't need your movie.
01:11:50.000 I have eight billion followers on Instagram, you know?
01:11:53.000 Right.
01:11:53.000 I'll just show my butt.
01:11:54.000 I'll just show my butt.
01:11:55.000 I'll just make a video about me eating pizza.
01:11:57.000 I'm relatable now.
01:11:59.000 And so everything is shifting.
01:12:01.000 Everything's shaking out.
01:12:02.000 I don't think this is ever going to go away because if you're the kind of guy that does that, that's just something you're going to do.
01:12:08.000 Oh, I think you're wrong.
01:12:09.000 I think it's going away.
01:12:10.000 I don't see how.
01:12:12.000 I just don't think you can get away with it anymore.
01:12:14.000 Well, it's for sure going to get watered down.
01:12:18.000 There's always going to be some amount of influence powerful people have that are in a position where they're choosing people.
01:12:24.000 But you're implying that if you are that kind of crazy where you're assaulting women, that you're choosing good over evil.
01:12:32.000 You just do.
01:12:32.000 If you're a predator, you prey on things.
01:12:35.000 Right, but he couldn't do that when he was 20 and he didn't have any money.
01:12:38.000 Nobody might have done it a different way.
01:12:40.000 You think so?
01:12:40.000 So I think this is just who he is.
01:12:42.000 I think sometimes it's who you are.
01:12:43.000 So this whole, I went to rehab.
01:12:45.000 I'm apologizing.
01:12:46.000 I'm going to listen.
01:12:47.000 I'm so sorry.
01:12:48.000 It's like, it's who you are.
01:12:49.000 And you can maybe stop, but I do believe that that's...
01:12:52.000 We like to think, oh, I'll just go reflect for a little bit.
01:12:56.000 I love that they have a rehab that they all go to.
01:12:58.000 Give me a fucking break.
01:12:59.000 For a week.
01:12:59.000 Arizona.
01:13:00.000 Give me a break.
01:13:00.000 We can fix you.
01:13:01.000 Is it Canyon Ranch?
01:13:02.000 I don't know what it's called.
01:13:03.000 It's not.
01:13:04.000 I think my parents went there.
01:13:05.000 Kevin Spacey's there right now.
01:13:06.000 They go for a week.
01:13:07.000 But I will say, you know...
01:13:08.000 Absolute power corrupts absolutely.
01:13:10.000 Yeah.
01:13:11.000 So Dave Becky gave the whole – wrote a follow-up letter to Louis C.K.'s, which I thought was – it sounded very genuine.
01:13:17.000 And there is something to – You know, we have these levels that you exist on, you know, and you can't be aware.
01:13:26.000 I feel like I'm going to put my foot in my mouth, but you can't be aware of everything that's going on all the time.
01:13:30.000 Some people think he was aware of it.
01:13:32.000 But when you're dealing with these high-level deals and you're at a certain dollar amount and you're flying high above everyone else, you genuinely might not know what's going on, but you almost have a responsibility when you are that powerful and someone tells you something about your client to, like, maybe take it seriously.
01:13:47.000 If I go on a Twitter rant, my manager calls, she's like, you're acting like a maniac.
01:13:50.000 Right, okay, but let's follow that up then.
01:13:52.000 What does one do?
01:13:53.000 I don't know.
01:13:54.000 So if someone is a Dave Becky, and you think that this woman might be telling the truth, and I don't know what Louie said to Dave Becky, but we know that Louie told Marc Maron a lie.
01:14:05.000 Because Marc Maron talked about it on his podcast.
01:14:08.000 And he said that he asked him, hey man, are you jerking off for girls?
01:14:11.000 He said, no, I'm not.
01:14:12.000 It's just a rumor.
01:14:12.000 It's bullshit.
01:14:13.000 He goes, why don't you just talk about this rumor?
01:14:16.000 And he goes, you can't do that, because then it'll...
01:14:18.000 Give it credence.
01:14:20.000 Which I guess I kind of understand if it wasn't true.
01:14:25.000 I don't think I have an answer.
01:14:27.000 Yeah, I don't have one either.
01:14:28.000 I definitely don't.
01:14:29.000 I don't want to seem like I'm going one side or the other.
01:14:32.000 It's disgusting and it's horrible.
01:14:33.000 But there's also when you hear inklings of rumors, you hear like little things.
01:14:37.000 Everybody always says like when their kid ends up killing a bunch of people, they're like, I didn't know.
01:14:41.000 And as the public, we're like, how could you not know?
01:14:43.000 He exhibited X, Y, and Z. You know, he did all this.
01:14:46.000 He had a gun in his room.
01:14:47.000 He decapitated rabbits.
01:14:49.000 How could you not know?
01:14:50.000 Maybe sometimes when you're too close to something and you don't want it to be true.
01:14:54.000 Well, what about that Vegas shooter?
01:14:55.000 Oh my God.
01:14:56.000 Like that guy had nothing.
01:14:58.000 He had no criminal background.
01:15:00.000 No one had any idea.
01:15:01.000 He gave his girlfriend $100,000.
01:15:04.000 She thought he was breaking up with her and she thought he was giving her money.
01:15:07.000 Right.
01:15:08.000 He was just giving her money to get by while he was gonna murder 50 fucking people or 58 people and kill himself.
01:15:14.000 Can't apply rationale to an irrational thing.
01:15:17.000 I don't know.
01:15:18.000 Well, any sort of situation like that.
01:15:20.000 School shooters.
01:15:21.000 Did you see the most armed man in America piece that went out?
01:15:25.000 No.
01:15:26.000 Can you pull this up?
01:15:27.000 There's a guy who's the most armed man.
01:15:29.000 This guy lives in Colorado.
01:15:30.000 His last name is Bernstein.
01:15:31.000 So as a Jew, I was like, why are we profiling the one Jew that's a gun nut?
01:15:35.000 Great.
01:15:36.000 He lives...
01:15:37.000 He's the most armed guy in America.
01:15:38.000 Most are man.
01:15:39.000 He has like three million dollars worth of artillery.
01:15:41.000 You gotta watch this.
01:15:42.000 He has several shooting ranges.
01:15:44.000 Holy shit, Bernie.
01:15:45.000 But wait.
01:15:45.000 Is that his name, Bernie?
01:15:46.000 It's Bernie, like, Epstein or something.
01:15:49.000 It's terrible.
01:15:50.000 He's got tanks.
01:15:51.000 He's got tanks.
01:15:52.000 He's got flamethrowers.
01:15:52.000 He's got flamethrowers.
01:15:54.000 I want to party with this dude.
01:15:55.000 Yeah, until you go in his house.
01:15:58.000 Nope.
01:16:00.000 3% of Americans own, according to a recent study, over 50% of guns.
01:16:05.000 You probably fall into that group.
01:16:06.000 Why do you think so few people have such a large concentration of weapons?
01:16:10.000 You get addicted to them.
01:16:12.000 You know, it gets in your blood.
01:16:13.000 We're driving up my property now, and there's all kinds of warning signs, as you can see.
01:16:18.000 If anybody comes on your property and threatens you with bodily harm, it's legal to shoot them.
01:16:24.000 Colorado law.
01:16:24.000 They should have that.
01:16:25.000 Sounds like my dad.
01:16:26.000 This is one of the first signs they see when they drive up...
01:16:28.000 This guy was a registered Democrat, it says.
01:16:30.000 He's got old cars laid out with dolls.
01:16:34.000 Mannequins and fake blood.
01:16:36.000 And bullet holes all over the cars.
01:16:37.000 Remember, you want to party with him.
01:16:39.000 Yeah.
01:16:39.000 You'll see.
01:16:40.000 I do want to party with him.
01:16:41.000 If you're going to listen...
01:16:43.000 Just not a lot.
01:16:44.000 Just like one night.
01:16:45.000 Should I tell you what happens at the end or do you want to watch it?
01:16:47.000 Okay.
01:16:47.000 What happens?
01:16:48.000 He dies?
01:16:48.000 No.
01:16:49.000 What happens?
01:16:49.000 He talks about...
01:16:50.000 They're like, so your wife died...
01:16:53.000 Oh, Jesus.
01:16:53.000 He killed his wife?
01:16:54.000 No.
01:16:54.000 Look at this!
01:16:55.000 He's got mannequins.
01:16:56.000 He's got dolls!
01:16:57.000 He has mannequins dressed up in women's clothing.
01:17:00.000 He changes their underwear when it gets cold outside.
01:17:05.000 Oh, Mel.
01:17:05.000 And this guy is the most heavily armed man in America, legally.
01:17:09.000 He did.
01:17:09.000 You know, we talk about machine guns and hot rods and, you know, stuff I like.
01:17:13.000 I don't really care what she likes because she never says nothing anyway.
01:17:16.000 I'm real nice to him.
01:17:17.000 When it gets cold, you know, in the winter, I even put underwear on.
01:17:19.000 He's got a New York accent.
01:17:20.000 Yeah, he's a Jewish guy from, like, the Bronx or something.
01:17:23.000 And he lives on a ranch in Colorado that's filled with bullets and guns and mannequins.
01:17:29.000 And he's got his own firewood.
01:17:31.000 His wife died in an explosion, but the way he describes it, he's like, we were shooting a show, I think it was for A&E, and the last day, they were walking through smoke, and one of the smoke canisters turned into a rocket.
01:17:43.000 It just went through her.
01:17:45.000 He describes it as if I was describing what I had for lunch.
01:17:48.000 He's like, it went through her, and they canceled the show, threw it all away.
01:17:50.000 Not a tear, nothing about the wife, just more like, yeah, and the show's over.
01:17:56.000 It's a crazy clip.
01:17:59.000 Whoa, that guy's probably waiting for someone to trespass.
01:18:01.000 Like, please, please, please.
01:18:04.000 He's, like, putting out, like, chocolate and money, like, on a string.
01:18:08.000 And he's old, too.
01:18:09.000 So he's got, like, not much left, you know?
01:18:12.000 How much time does he have left?
01:18:13.000 What about his girlfriends?
01:18:14.000 He's got a girlfriend, the mannequins, you mean?
01:18:15.000 The mannequins.
01:18:16.000 Yeah.
01:18:17.000 Would you want to meet him and interview him?
01:18:19.000 No.
01:18:19.000 How about a show on Netflix called Eliza Interviews Psychopaths?
01:18:24.000 It's just all comics.
01:18:25.000 Just you.
01:18:26.000 All comics.
01:18:27.000 Just me at the store.
01:18:29.000 Just grabbing whoever walks by.
01:18:30.000 Just you with this guy.
01:18:32.000 You with like preppers.
01:18:34.000 It would just be cut back to me just staring at him with my mouth open.
01:18:37.000 What is all the soldiers in plastic?
01:18:39.000 Another video on another channel I found.
01:18:41.000 He just loves mannequins.
01:18:42.000 Oh, this guy's so creepy.
01:18:44.000 Maybe he doesn't like people, and this is how he sort of...
01:18:47.000 There's a lot of house tours.
01:18:48.000 Holy shit!
01:18:49.000 Look at the size of his fucking house!
01:18:51.000 He's got rocket launchers.
01:18:53.000 This guy's...
01:18:54.000 Where's he getting the money for all this stuff?
01:18:55.000 I think he sells guns, too.
01:18:57.000 Oh.
01:18:57.000 To who?
01:18:58.000 I don't know.
01:18:59.000 I'm gonna buy one of his guns.
01:19:00.000 We can't contribute to this.
01:19:02.000 Uh, it's too late.
01:19:04.000 Yeah, he was like, in the last couple weeks, we've sold more guns than we have the whole year.
01:19:08.000 Well, here's the thing.
01:19:09.000 If this guy dies, where's all this fucking weaponry going?
01:19:13.000 ISIS is gonna swoop in.
01:19:15.000 In Colorado.
01:19:16.000 Yeah, Colorado is the wrong place to pull out a gun.
01:19:19.000 Fucking everybody's armed.
01:19:20.000 Yeah.
01:19:21.000 Everybody's armed and now everyone's high.
01:19:24.000 So you got two things.
01:19:25.000 He's got samurai swords.
01:19:27.000 Jesus Christ!
01:19:28.000 What are those blow darts and shit?
01:19:31.000 This fucking guy.
01:19:33.000 Interesting character.
01:19:34.000 Yeah, there's a lot of people out there like that in Texas.
01:19:36.000 Texas is crazy.
01:19:38.000 I grew up shooting, not all the time, but we would go.
01:19:40.000 My best friend's parents would do these, um...
01:19:43.000 Sort of not reenactment shootings, but they would dress up in period costumes, like late 19th century, and we would go out to the country, and they would have these little fake towns set up, and it was timed event shootings.
01:19:57.000 And they all had names like Boy Named Sue, and they had their cowboy names.
01:20:00.000 And you'd shoot, and you'd win an antique coin or something, but they would go, and Mr. Hewitt had all the rifles and the guns.
01:20:07.000 What would you shoot at?
01:20:09.000 It was like targets.
01:20:11.000 I remember one was like just the sort of outline of like a fake saloon town kind of thing.
01:20:17.000 And it's like timed.
01:20:18.000 You try to get your targets and we would just drink Dr. Pepper and watch.
01:20:23.000 And shotguns a couple times.
01:20:24.000 It doesn't do much for me.
01:20:26.000 It's not my thing.
01:20:27.000 Yeah.
01:20:28.000 But he had a lot of them.
01:20:29.000 I don't even like hunting with them.
01:20:32.000 I feel like you are so masculine that you see an elk, you're like, tie me, and you just run alongside it, tackle it by the neck, and you just punch it into submission.
01:20:40.000 No, you can't even get close to them.
01:20:42.000 No.
01:20:42.000 You have to shoot them.
01:20:43.000 They can't even know you're there.
01:20:44.000 Oh, really, Joe?
01:20:45.000 You can't tackle an elk?
01:20:46.000 Okay, cool.
01:20:47.000 No, you can't.
01:20:48.000 You might be able to tackle like a calf.
01:20:50.000 A little cow.
01:20:51.000 He's brand new.
01:20:52.000 A little baby cow elk.
01:20:54.000 Yeah.
01:20:55.000 Do you want to hear something crazy?
01:20:56.000 Yes.
01:20:57.000 A baby...
01:20:57.000 Something else crazy you mean.
01:20:59.000 A pony is not a baby horse.
01:21:00.000 It's not?
01:21:01.000 Isn't that crazy?
01:21:03.000 What's a baby horse?
01:21:04.000 A colt.
01:21:04.000 A foal.
01:21:05.000 A foal?
01:21:06.000 What's a colt then?
01:21:07.000 A horse.
01:21:08.000 Oh, a colt is like a full-grown horse.
01:21:10.000 So a pony is like a type of horse?
01:21:12.000 It's its own kind of horse.
01:21:13.000 Isn't that crazy?
01:21:14.000 See, I always thought a pony...
01:21:15.000 That's right.
01:21:16.000 I should know that.
01:21:17.000 I love telling people that fact.
01:21:19.000 Yeah.
01:21:19.000 I should know that.
01:21:21.000 Pony is not a baby horse.
01:21:22.000 It registers.
01:21:23.000 Yeah.
01:21:24.000 You knew it.
01:21:25.000 Yeah.
01:21:30.000 What's the difference between a mule and a donkey?
01:21:31.000 They're the same thing.
01:21:32.000 No, one of them is a hybrid.
01:21:34.000 One of them is a hybrid between a horse and a mule.
01:21:36.000 A donkey is a horse and a...
01:21:38.000 Nope.
01:21:38.000 A mule...
01:21:39.000 I think a mule and a donkey are the same thing.
01:21:41.000 Well, one of them is a hybrid and it's non-viable.
01:21:45.000 I know that.
01:21:45.000 What do you mean non-viable?
01:21:47.000 Meaning hybrids, a lot of hybrids can't breed.
01:21:49.000 A mule is produced when you breed a male donkey with a female horse.
01:21:52.000 Okay, that's it.
01:21:53.000 No, it's a mare.
01:21:53.000 It's also an ugly type of shoe.
01:21:56.000 A henny, meanwhile, is a mule's an ugly kind of shoe?
01:21:59.000 Yeah, for women.
01:22:00.000 It's like a slip-on.
01:22:01.000 Put that up.
01:22:01.000 Looks like a hoof.
01:22:02.000 What the fuck's a mule shoe?
01:22:03.000 Google mule shoe.
01:22:04.000 By the way, so many of your fans who live in rural areas are like, I can't believe these people don't know.
01:22:09.000 These fucking idiots!
01:22:11.000 Look at that!
01:22:12.000 It's just ugly.
01:22:13.000 Not that one, but...
01:22:14.000 But if you're really hot, you can pull that off.
01:22:16.000 Guys don't give a fuck.
01:22:17.000 But that's a hoof.
01:22:18.000 That does seem like a satanic sort of a thing.
01:22:21.000 Yeah.
01:22:21.000 Like you're part goat.
01:22:23.000 Yeah.
01:22:23.000 It's not even cloven.
01:22:24.000 The reason why I know this is because we got mule cum for Fear Factor.
01:22:30.000 It's cheaper to make people drink mule cum because mule cum doesn't really become anything.
01:22:36.000 It's just, it's not good.
01:22:37.000 How did you say that on the show?
01:22:40.000 Mule emissions?
01:22:41.000 I think we said sperm.
01:22:42.000 Oh my god.
01:22:43.000 I think we said sperm.
01:22:44.000 Yeah.
01:22:45.000 Yeah, it wasn't my idea.
01:22:46.000 That's what got the show canceled though.
01:22:50.000 I'm one of the few people in show business that has a show canceled because we made people drink cum.
01:22:54.000 I think the only one.
01:22:56.000 Maybe ever.
01:22:56.000 I feel like there's a lot more than you think.
01:23:01.000 Yeah, there's probably some behind the scenes stuff.
01:23:03.000 Yeah, off camera.
01:23:04.000 There's no way they drank as much.
01:23:05.000 Guarantee that.
01:23:06.000 Alright.
01:23:06.000 One minute.
01:23:07.000 Jerk off this mule.
01:23:08.000 They caught juice on the video on YouTube.
01:23:09.000 Oh, donkey juice?
01:23:10.000 Mule juice.
01:23:10.000 Yeah.
01:23:11.000 Mmm.
01:23:11.000 Juice.
01:23:12.000 Interesting.
01:23:13.000 Well.
01:23:13.000 Yeah.
01:23:15.000 That's it.
01:23:15.000 That's what girls have to go through.
01:23:17.000 Yeah.
01:23:17.000 Well, that was what's interesting.
01:23:18.000 They could choose between cum and urine.
01:23:23.000 You had to drink like a vat of urine and a vat of cum.
01:23:26.000 Yeah.
01:23:27.000 And a lot of the girls chose the cum over the urine.
01:23:31.000 Because at least it's a similar beast.
01:23:33.000 You've been there before.
01:23:35.000 Oh, my God.
01:23:36.000 Yeah.
01:23:37.000 I don't want to watch any of that.
01:23:39.000 This was back in the day.
01:23:41.000 Yeah.
01:23:41.000 Amazing.
01:23:43.000 I love her running eyeliner.
01:23:44.000 That's how the show got canceled right there, ladies and gentlemen.
01:23:47.000 Couldn't that kill you?
01:23:48.000 Nah, I think we're fine.
01:23:48.000 Drinking urine?
01:23:50.000 No, urine is nothing.
01:23:51.000 Really?
01:23:51.000 Urine is just like water.
01:23:52.000 You can only drink your own urine, I think, eight times.
01:23:54.000 I love that she's got a hanging...
01:23:56.000 It's like doing acid.
01:23:57.000 Doing it more than eight times, you become insane.
01:23:59.000 Is that true?
01:23:59.000 No, I don't know.
01:24:00.000 Oh.
01:24:00.000 No, it's a fact about drinking.
01:24:02.000 You can only drink, if you're like stranded, you can only drink your urine a certain amount of times before it becomes toxic.
01:24:07.000 Did you read about those two women that got stuck at sea for like five months with their dog?
01:24:15.000 No.
01:24:15.000 Did they eat the dog?
01:24:16.000 No, they didn't eat the dog.
01:24:18.000 They had like a year's supply of food on the boat.
01:24:21.000 But apparently it's falling apart.
01:24:24.000 The story's falling apart.
01:24:25.000 And now people don't even believe they were really stranded as long as they were.
01:24:30.000 Like apparently people were suspicious right away because they were too well kept.
01:24:34.000 Yeah.
01:24:34.000 So, and then now there's story, what I've been reading, and I shouldn't really comment on it until I see if you can find out how much it's fallen apart.
01:24:43.000 Because I was reading something about how it continues to fall apart.
01:24:47.000 The story continues.
01:24:48.000 Like, they might have just pretended to be at sea for five months.
01:24:50.000 Because you would eat that dog.
01:24:53.000 Also, like...
01:24:54.000 You might not if you have a year's supply of food.
01:24:56.000 True.
01:24:57.000 Okay, right.
01:24:57.000 You could have those, like, Alex Jones supplies, those fucking buckets that Jim Baker pushes.
01:25:02.000 Have you ever seen that?
01:25:03.000 Yeah, like the End Times thing.
01:25:05.000 American Woman Rescued.
01:25:08.000 Stick with their story.
01:25:09.000 You would say the same thing I did.
01:25:11.000 Okay, well, there's an easy way to fact check this.
01:25:14.000 Like, what port did you leave?
01:25:15.000 Like, who was the last person you saw?
01:25:17.000 Right.
01:25:17.000 I guess they're having some issues.
01:25:19.000 Right.
01:25:20.000 There's some people that think it's bullshit.
01:25:22.000 They claim daily distress calls were unanswered, and at one point tiger sharks bumped against the boat.
01:25:27.000 Uh, might be real.
01:25:29.000 Well, you can fact check those distress calls, see if tiger sharks live in that area.
01:25:33.000 They do.
01:25:33.000 Okay.
01:25:34.000 Yeah, that's around Hawaii.
01:25:35.000 That's where they were.
01:25:36.000 Airtight alibi!
01:25:36.000 That's one of the real problems with Hawaii, is tiger sharks.
01:25:40.000 Tiger sharks are one of the most aggressive of sharks, and they get people all the time.
01:25:45.000 I think second only to bull sharks.
01:25:47.000 What does it say?
01:25:48.000 Indicating...
01:25:49.000 Since they had like an emergency beacon that if they would have activated it, it would have alerted this Coast Guard and it would have been found really fast.
01:25:56.000 But they didn't.
01:25:56.000 But they for some reason didn't.
01:25:58.000 Maybe they didn't know about it.
01:25:59.000 NASA said there was no storms recorded on satellite images.
01:26:02.000 That would have, I guess, supposedly also is what they said caused their disappearance.
01:26:09.000 Eliza likes to stick up for girls, though.
01:26:10.000 Notice that?
01:26:11.000 I have not read the story.
01:26:12.000 I'm just looking at these.
01:26:13.000 You know what I was honestly thinking?
01:26:15.000 What?
01:26:15.000 No, I was just like, of course the two lesbians have, like, a giant dog.
01:26:18.000 Are they lesbos?
01:26:20.000 I'm assuming.
01:26:21.000 One of them's, like, 46, one of them's 25, so I think they're probably lesbians.
01:26:25.000 Who knows, but, like, that's such a lesbian.
01:26:27.000 Like, he's a pit mix, but we love him.
01:26:29.000 Yeah, because the big disparity in age, that's the difference between a guy with a yacht and his hot girlfriend.
01:26:35.000 Who knows?
01:26:36.000 Maybe she's her instructor.
01:26:38.000 You know what I love most about lesbian couples?
01:26:40.000 What?
01:26:40.000 There's almost always a male and a female.
01:26:44.000 Yeah, sometimes.
01:26:45.000 Yeah, sometimes.
01:26:46.000 But a lot of the time.
01:26:47.000 My best friend and her wife, obviously they're married.
01:26:50.000 Your best friend's a lesbian.
01:26:52.000 My best friend's a lesbian.
01:26:52.000 You are so diversified.
01:26:54.000 So progressive.
01:26:56.000 But she, we've noticed that we were three, and so she is...
01:27:00.000 Did you know she was a lesbian when she was three?
01:27:02.000 No.
01:27:03.000 She dated, like, the quarterback in high school.
01:27:05.000 That's probably what ruined her.
01:27:06.000 I think she kind of just figured it out.
01:27:08.000 I mean, he was a psychopath.
01:27:09.000 But, um, so they're married, and they want to have a baby.
01:27:12.000 And Michelle, sorry, Michelle.
01:27:14.000 Oh, shit, you gave her name up.
01:27:16.000 We're both Jewish.
01:27:17.000 We're white.
01:27:18.000 She's half my body weight.
01:27:19.000 She's the tiniest and kind of sickly.
01:27:21.000 She has, like, plantar fasciitis.
01:27:22.000 She's got her own issues, right?
01:27:24.000 So she wants to carry the baby, and her wife is American but Dominican and, like, strong.
01:27:30.000 She's like, but I want to carry the baby.
01:27:31.000 I'm like, no, no, no.
01:27:32.000 Our people have, like, Tay-Sachs and...
01:27:39.000 What's a Pesach?
01:27:40.000 It's like a Jewish thing.
01:27:42.000 It's like a genetic permutation that only Jewish babies get.
01:27:45.000 But the point is, Jews have to deal with that.
01:27:47.000 I'm like, her people are giving birth left and right and going back to work the same day.
01:27:52.000 Don't carry the baby.
01:27:53.000 I'm trying to encourage her.
01:27:55.000 I'm like, let the other one do it.
01:27:56.000 She's like, no, I just want to go through it because she's the dad.
01:28:01.000 She's the boy.
01:28:02.000 But Michelle wants to do it, and I'm like, you're going to get snapped in half.
01:28:05.000 You're going to shit yourself, and you're going to just be a puddle of Jewish skin and bones.
01:28:10.000 Let the other one do it.
01:28:11.000 Are you going to have babies?
01:28:13.000 I was thinking about that.
01:28:13.000 I'm getting married in May, and then I was talking to...
01:28:16.000 Your boyfriend's a very nice guy.
01:28:18.000 Thank you.
01:28:18.000 Fiance.
01:28:19.000 He loves you.
01:28:19.000 He loves coming to the store.
01:28:21.000 He's a good dude.
01:28:21.000 He's a good guy.
01:28:22.000 And I was just like, I guess.
01:28:23.000 I was like, we'll get married.
01:28:24.000 We'll go on our honeymoon.
01:28:24.000 I was like, I guess we have a baby.
01:28:25.000 I was happy when you got him.
01:28:27.000 Yeah.
01:28:27.000 So I was like, finally.
01:28:28.000 A good one.
01:28:29.000 One's going to stick.
01:28:29.000 This one's going to stick.
01:28:30.000 I get rid of him.
01:28:31.000 The Yale story and that one.
01:28:34.000 That was like three years ago.
01:28:36.000 That was quite a while ago.
01:28:36.000 That was a great story, though.
01:28:37.000 Thank you.
01:28:38.000 But when you brought him around, I was like, well, I don't want to be too friendly with him.
01:28:40.000 You don't want to warm up?
01:28:42.000 It's like war.
01:28:43.000 The new guy might get shot.
01:28:45.000 But then after a couple months, I was like, hey, you're still here.
01:28:48.000 What's up, man?
01:28:49.000 And then we became more and more friendly.
01:28:51.000 You're like, I don't want to be cool to this guy.
01:28:53.000 She might get rid of him.
01:28:54.000 Now every time I see him, I hug him.
01:28:55.000 Yeah.
01:28:56.000 He loves you.
01:28:56.000 He loves watching all the comedy.
01:28:58.000 He's a fan of comedy anyway.
01:29:00.000 Not in a weird way.
01:29:00.000 But he listens to your podcast.
01:29:03.000 I think it's cool for him.
01:29:05.000 And he's super supportive.
01:29:06.000 But I was like, I guess we just have a baby.
01:29:09.000 Well, I guess you do that.
01:29:10.000 You're viable.
01:29:11.000 I don't know.
01:29:11.000 How many more years you got?
01:29:12.000 I don't know.
01:29:14.000 How many eggs you got left?
01:29:14.000 I'll have to check my stat card.
01:29:15.000 Did you get an x-ray?
01:29:16.000 I don't have...
01:29:17.000 I only have one...
01:29:17.000 Don't x-ray your eggs.
01:29:18.000 You cook them.
01:29:18.000 I have one big egg.
01:29:19.000 One giant one like an ostrich egg.
01:29:21.000 I keep it in the back.
01:29:23.000 Have yourself a little gladiator baby, like some strongman baby.
01:29:26.000 I've always wanted that.
01:29:27.000 Do you think you'll have a boy or a girl?
01:29:29.000 Do you have a feeling?
01:29:29.000 Can I say this?
01:29:30.000 Yes.
01:29:31.000 So I had a nose job when I was 18. And...
01:29:34.000 Which is why it's so tiny.
01:29:35.000 That's why your nose is so tiny?
01:29:36.000 Mm-hmm.
01:29:36.000 What'd your nose used to look like?
01:29:38.000 I had a little bit of a bump.
01:29:40.000 There are worse things.
01:29:41.000 They didn't shrink your nostril holes.
01:29:42.000 No, I always had small nostril holes.
01:29:44.000 Yeah, they can't shrink that down.
01:29:45.000 So you just got rid of the bump.
01:29:46.000 Rid of the bump.
01:29:48.000 I talk about it in the book.
01:29:49.000 It's not like a huge revelation.
01:29:50.000 I'm Jewish.
01:29:51.000 We do this.
01:29:52.000 But he's half Italian, half Jewish, and he's got a big nose.
01:29:55.000 And I remember looking at it the other day and I was like, our kid had better be fucking brilliant or amazing at sports.
01:30:01.000 Because if a girl has a combination of our noses, It's over for her.
01:30:07.000 Interesting.
01:30:08.000 Fingers crossed that she gets someone else's nose.
01:30:11.000 Maybe by the time you guys decide to have babies, CRISPR will be totally dialed in.
01:30:15.000 Get a nice little Christy Brinkley nose out of that.
01:30:18.000 It'll be an app at that point.
01:30:20.000 Or if it's a dude, a big nose just gives you character.
01:30:23.000 Big nose for a dude is fine.
01:30:25.000 Yeah.
01:30:25.000 And I'm praying because he's very tall.
01:30:27.000 If it's a girl, maybe she's just like a brilliant athlete and then it's like, who cares?
01:30:30.000 Right.
01:30:30.000 But it's probably not going to happen.
01:30:33.000 Probably just be kind of funny and smart.
01:30:34.000 Who the fuck knows?
01:30:35.000 Who knows?
01:30:36.000 That's the interesting thing about having children that I found is that they come out of the box with their own little mind.
01:30:41.000 Their own little personality.
01:30:42.000 You just kind of nurture that personality along the way.
01:30:45.000 But, you know, my two youngest daughters could not be different.
01:30:48.000 They're so similar to each other.
01:30:50.000 Well, they're so dissimilar, rather, to each other.
01:30:53.000 Yeah.
01:30:54.000 That happens.
01:30:54.000 My brother and I are...
01:30:55.000 He's from the planet Zeputar, and we just...
01:31:01.000 I don't know.
01:31:01.000 Same with my sister and I. Yeah.
01:31:03.000 It's a weird combination of, like we're talking about nurture and nature.
01:31:10.000 See, the thing is about a woman having a baby is that you, especially as a comic, it would be much more difficult for you to do the road.
01:31:23.000 I don't know anything about it.
01:31:25.000 I know that I work out a lot, so obviously the more mobile and healthy you are, it's easier.
01:31:30.000 There's a couple months where you can't, but there's also a couple months of the year where I don't do the road anyway.
01:31:34.000 I think I could tailor the schedule around it.
01:31:37.000 You certainly could because you're successful.
01:31:39.000 Yeah.
01:31:40.000 Because you make enough money to hire help and hire people to help you when you travel.
01:31:44.000 Oh my god, absolutely.
01:31:45.000 Yeah.
01:31:46.000 I don't know, but your whole life...
01:31:47.000 I think about that a lot.
01:31:49.000 You know, it's at night, it's 10 o'clock, I'm like, let's go grab dinner.
01:31:52.000 You know, you can't...
01:31:53.000 Can't do that.
01:31:54.000 ...do that.
01:31:55.000 So, I don't know.
01:31:57.000 I guess that's like the next step, but...
01:31:59.000 You just adjust your life.
01:32:00.000 Yeah, it's fine.
01:32:01.000 It becomes so much...
01:32:02.000 It becomes very strange.
01:32:05.000 Like, hanging out with your own kids, it's...
01:32:08.000 It's very odd, because the love that you feel for them is so intense and so weird.
01:32:14.000 It's like this warm, cuddly love, but it's also like while you're doing it, you're cuddling with your kid, talking with them, and while you're talking with them, for me at least, I'm like, I can't even believe you're real.
01:32:28.000 I can't even believe...
01:32:30.000 This is a daughter.
01:32:31.000 Like, I have a daughter.
01:32:32.000 And you're in charge of her forever.
01:32:33.000 Yeah, and we're talking.
01:32:34.000 Yeah.
01:32:35.000 And she's like, well, what do you think about that?
01:32:36.000 I'm like, I don't know.
01:32:37.000 What do you think about that?
01:32:38.000 And we're having a little conversation about that.
01:32:39.000 I think it'd be weird that they're thinking at all.
01:32:40.000 You're like, you were just a puddle of mush.
01:32:42.000 Yeah.
01:32:42.000 So I don't know, but I'm open to, I think a big problem in our society is that we expect women, like, you've got to have this career, have this body, have this family.
01:32:51.000 But why do we do that?
01:32:52.000 We do that because it's always been that way.
01:32:54.000 But who is we?
01:32:54.000 This group.
01:32:56.000 How many people do that?
01:32:58.000 How many people do expect you to have all these things?
01:33:00.000 I think it's a projection.
01:33:02.000 Obviously, when you get down to it, nobody cares what you actually do.
01:33:05.000 But it's what's put out there as what looks like happiness.
01:33:08.000 And I even talk about this because I never...
01:33:10.000 I'm not trying to pretend like what I'm saying is something I'm thinking about right now.
01:33:13.000 I've thought about it.
01:33:14.000 I wrote about it.
01:33:15.000 You do have to do this digging to be like, what does my happiness actually look like?
01:33:20.000 And it might not be the cookie cutter image that is kind of put on all of us.
01:33:24.000 Like, I have a very weird job.
01:33:26.000 But if I couldn't do this job, I would be the saddest person.
01:33:30.000 Like, stand-up comedy gives me the most joy.
01:33:33.000 And that is a huge...
01:33:35.000 I'm, you know, in a relationship with that.
01:33:37.000 And I have to factor everything sort of around it.
01:33:39.000 Yeah.
01:33:41.000 Until I have a kid, and then who knows?
01:33:43.000 Or don't have one.
01:33:44.000 It does change.
01:33:45.000 I mean, I hate to say it.
01:33:46.000 Louis C.K. gave me great advice once when he came to having a kid, which is very odd.
01:33:51.000 But he said, let it change you.
01:33:53.000 And I don't know Louis very well.
01:33:55.000 I should say this, too.
01:33:57.000 Somebody's giving me a hard time about not commenting on it.
01:34:00.000 My thought was like, first of all, I want to gather my thoughts.
01:34:03.000 Absolutely.
01:34:04.000 And second of all, I don't know him that well.
01:34:07.000 I don't even have his phone number.
01:34:08.000 I've never had a phone call conversation with him.
01:34:11.000 We've exchanged emails maybe three times ever, and he and I have run into each other at clubs and said hi.
01:34:18.000 We've never gone out and hung out together.
01:34:20.000 I'm not good friends with him.
01:34:22.000 So when all this was going down...
01:34:24.000 It's not like I had information.
01:34:26.000 Like, if Joey Diaz did something fucked up and people wanted me to comment, first of all, I would never say anything bad, no matter what Joey Diaz did.
01:34:34.000 Sorry.
01:34:35.000 That's just the way it is.
01:34:37.000 There's just no way around it.
01:34:39.000 If you knew he raped someone.
01:34:40.000 This is horrible.
01:34:40.000 People are going to grab this soundbite.
01:34:42.000 I'm so sorry that he did that.
01:34:44.000 But, you know, I mean, I would never...
01:34:49.000 I would never throw him under the bus.
01:34:51.000 You know what I'm saying?
01:34:51.000 I think there's bus throwing and then there's bus throwing.
01:34:54.000 There's a comment after sort of condemning it.
01:34:57.000 And then there's...
01:34:58.000 Of course.
01:34:59.000 Like there was a guy who was in that movie, Baby Driver.
01:35:03.000 Kevin Spacey?
01:35:04.000 No, it was like the eighth lead or something.
01:35:07.000 And he went on some show and just went off about Kevin.
01:35:10.000 And so everyone's...
01:35:11.000 It looked like a way to get attention.
01:35:14.000 Like, yeah, when I was on set, he didn't seem that cool.
01:35:17.000 And it was so much in retrospect.
01:35:18.000 Oh, but isn't that the guy that's from The Walking Dead, the Punisher guy?
01:35:21.000 I don't know.
01:35:22.000 Isn't that him?
01:35:23.000 I just saw that.
01:35:24.000 Yeah.
01:35:24.000 I think it's that guy who's pretty successful.
01:35:27.000 He's the new Punisher in that Netflix show.
01:35:29.000 It just seemed very, like, bandwagon jumping when the Louis C.K. thing happened.
01:35:33.000 I can speak from a perspective of a woman who's seen this kind of stuff.
01:35:36.000 I don't know.
01:35:36.000 I've brought him up twice at the store.
01:35:38.000 That's my knowledge of him.
01:35:39.000 But you get these emails from, like, the New York Times or, like, hey, if you have anything you want to say or if you know any other things.
01:35:45.000 I'm like, I don't.
01:35:46.000 What do you know?
01:35:46.000 And I don't want to attach myself.
01:35:48.000 I don't want to be like...
01:35:49.000 I didn't want to be part of that story just for the sake of it.
01:35:52.000 Right, right.
01:35:53.000 Because then you look like a fame whore.
01:35:54.000 Well, that's also the problem.
01:35:55.000 Like, you get caught up in something where you become inexorably connected to this awful event and you didn't do anything.
01:36:04.000 Sure.
01:36:05.000 Yeah.
01:36:05.000 So Joey didn't do anything.
01:36:07.000 It was just...
01:36:07.000 It's like...
01:36:08.000 Not Joey.
01:36:09.000 Joey...
01:36:10.000 Oddly enough, as crazy as Joey is, he's a very gentle person.
01:36:15.000 He's a giant...
01:36:16.000 He's Puerto Rican.
01:36:18.000 He's Cuban, sorry.
01:36:19.000 Giant Cuban teddy bear.
01:36:20.000 He is, right?
01:36:21.000 Because he seems so tough and he loves saying cocksucker, but he is just so kind and he's got these eyes like a whale, like they're just ancient and big, like camel eyelashes.
01:36:32.000 He's got these lovely eyes and he smiles at you like a toddler.
01:36:37.000 I love him.
01:36:38.000 He's the best.
01:36:39.000 I exchange emails with him maybe once every three or four years.
01:36:43.000 We've texted each other maybe ten times ever.
01:36:48.000 Only phone calls.
01:36:50.000 Calls me every couple days.
01:36:51.000 What's up, cocksucker?
01:36:52.000 What are you doing, brother?
01:36:53.000 What's going on?
01:36:54.000 He calls.
01:36:55.000 He wants to talk to you.
01:36:56.000 Yeah, Joey wants to talk to you.
01:36:57.000 If I ever text him, it's because I have to send an address to him.
01:37:00.000 He's got to put it in his navigation system.
01:37:02.000 That's it.
01:37:04.000 He calls you.
01:37:05.000 He's lovely.
01:37:06.000 Yeah, he's a beautiful person.
01:37:09.000 He and I were talking about this whole Louis C.K. thing.
01:37:12.000 He goes, you know what's fucking crazy?
01:37:14.000 He's like, I held somebody at gunpoint.
01:37:16.000 He goes, I went to jail.
01:37:18.000 He goes, for armed fucking kidnapping.
01:37:22.000 And everybody's like, ah, you were crazy.
01:37:25.000 But he goes like, this is the kind of thing that sticks.
01:37:30.000 Because he did it to one of us.
01:37:32.000 Right?
01:37:32.000 Like if you, in our world, Like, we are all the same.
01:37:38.000 We are all the same thing.
01:37:39.000 I mean, there's going to be some weird pettiness and bullshit, and there's going to be some prejudices, and there's going to be some individuals that are not supportive.
01:37:46.000 But overall, amongst the good eggs, amongst the ones that you and I associate with, we all consider each other the same thing.
01:37:56.000 We understand each other's hearts and we know how hard it is and what it's like and we all know that it's us, even though the audience is our friends, it's us versus them.
01:38:04.000 It's the club versus, you know, you're trying to do a job and we know exactly what this very weird job entails and we know the way the other person thinks.
01:38:12.000 Like we have fucked up thoughts and it's okay to admit these thoughts to each other and it's a very special bond.
01:38:18.000 And you can't just be like, I'm a comic, I get it.
01:38:20.000 Like, you have to kind of earn it.
01:38:21.000 And there's a respect there.
01:38:23.000 And so, it's what he did is deplorable.
01:38:26.000 And it was with other comics.
01:38:28.000 And I feel bad because...
01:38:31.000 I feel bad because everybody gets so angry at women, they're like, why now?
01:38:34.000 And I'm like, because there's safety in numbers, and no one would listen before.
01:38:37.000 But people knew.
01:38:39.000 They knew.
01:38:40.000 Some people knew.
01:38:41.000 They knew to a degree.
01:38:42.000 Right, to a degree.
01:38:43.000 I knew the girls' names, but I didn't know if it was true.
01:38:45.000 It was a rumor.
01:38:46.000 Right.
01:38:46.000 You don't know, and you don't want to be the one that's running out there, like...
01:38:51.000 With a lit torch and you're wrong.
01:38:52.000 No, this is gonna sound fucked up, but I'm gonna take a chance with it anyway.
01:38:56.000 Have you put yourself, like, I put myself in Harvey Weinstein's brain.
01:39:03.000 Not really.
01:39:04.000 But I sat down and I tried to think, like, what would this guy, like, how would his brain work?
01:39:12.000 Is he just, like...
01:39:13.000 Like, lost in the throes of the addiction of power and sex and this chase of getting all these superstars to suck his dick, which is apparently what a lot of them did.
01:39:23.000 I mean, I've talked to women that know people in the business, and it was like negotiating tactic.
01:39:29.000 Like, he would give them roles if they did, and he always followed up.
01:39:33.000 He always honored his work.
01:39:34.000 I always wondered about that.
01:39:35.000 Yeah, he always did.
01:39:35.000 I was wondering, like, how do you ensure someone gives you the part?
01:39:38.000 I don't know.
01:39:38.000 I mean, he had a reputation for doing it.
01:39:40.000 You know the contract thing that he had?
01:39:43.000 You know the thing?
01:39:45.000 His contract with Miramax, with the Weinstein group or whatever it is.
01:39:48.000 Oh, it was like a sexual harassment, like a clause.
01:39:50.000 Yeah, like covering up too.
01:39:52.000 But they had it like in tears.
01:39:54.000 Yeah.
01:39:54.000 Like one would be worth $250.
01:39:57.000 Because they knew.
01:39:57.000 Fucking crazy.
01:39:59.000 Because they knew.
01:39:59.000 I mean, that is, if that's not complicit, then what is?
01:40:03.000 But have you tried to put yourself into Louis C.K.'s brain?
01:40:10.000 Yes and no, because I definitely have had this thought.
01:40:13.000 I think when you get to a certain level, and I see...
01:40:17.000 He wasn't at that level then.
01:40:19.000 This is the thing.
01:40:20.000 True, and it was a long time ago.
01:40:22.000 Fine, forget the level.
01:40:24.000 I've found with a lot of male comics, there's a certain, like a lot of perverts, whatever.
01:40:29.000 There's a certain set of blinders.
01:40:32.000 Like, I can do whatever I want.
01:40:33.000 There's almost like a lack of accountability.
01:40:35.000 You show up drunk or high or fucked up, and they're like, oh, he's so creative.
01:40:40.000 It's a certain allowance we give to men and then people when they get famous.
01:40:44.000 Like, you can do whatever you want.
01:40:45.000 I pride myself.
01:40:47.000 I'm always on time.
01:40:47.000 I don't show up anywhere drunk.
01:40:48.000 I just take it a little bit more seriously because I know I have to work a little bit harder.
01:40:52.000 Whether being a girl helps or not, at times, it just depends on the day.
01:40:57.000 I do think that there's a lack of awareness about other people, and I do think at a certain level, there is a mindset of like, because I've seen this in lower tiered comics.
01:41:07.000 She doesn't matter.
01:41:09.000 What I say to you when I call you a bitch or a piece of shit or I harass you, you don't matter.
01:41:14.000 Because you're not going to make it.
01:41:16.000 You're not going to make it.
01:41:17.000 You're not talented enough.
01:41:18.000 You don't matter.
01:41:19.000 And I do...
01:41:20.000 I've seen this and I'm not going to go into names.
01:41:22.000 I've heard things that...
01:41:23.000 Other women will confide in me that men say to them, I remember starting at the store, things that were said to me by men who probably don't remember they said it.
01:41:33.000 Because there's like a cavalier just, I'll just say it, fucking whatever.
01:41:36.000 I hurt, I want her to hurt.
01:41:38.000 Fuck you, you're a bitch, your body's disgusting, you don't matter.
01:41:41.000 Your body's disgusting.
01:41:43.000 That's the weird one, right?
01:41:44.000 Like, I hurt, so I want her to hurt.
01:41:47.000 There's a comic at the store, all the guys are friends with.
01:41:50.000 All of them?
01:41:51.000 Me?
01:41:51.000 I don't know.
01:41:53.000 Maybe.
01:41:54.000 He's not there a ton anymore.
01:41:56.000 He was definitely like a fixture there in the early years when I was there.
01:42:00.000 We were at another comic's house for a party.
01:42:03.000 I was standing there and he walked up to me.
01:42:05.000 I didn't said a word.
01:42:06.000 He said something rude to a girlfriend of mine because he was hitting on her and that didn't go well.
01:42:09.000 And he just looked at me and he went, you better keep working out because your body's not going to look like that forever.
01:42:14.000 And I was like, hi.
01:42:16.000 And the only other thing he ever said to me was, like, ten years later, he yelled at me because I brought my dog to the store.
01:42:22.000 Whose body does look like that forever?
01:42:24.000 That's such a fucking stupid thing to say.
01:42:26.000 Stupid, and it's meant for me to be like, why did you say that?
01:42:30.000 We should go fuck.
01:42:31.000 That will help.
01:42:32.000 Does that work?
01:42:34.000 It must work on the most depraved girls.
01:42:37.000 He just picked the wrong one.
01:42:39.000 Of course.
01:42:40.000 But does that work on the girls with the lowest self-esteem?
01:42:45.000 Does that ever work?
01:42:46.000 It must.
01:42:47.000 It must, or they might think it works.
01:42:49.000 Or you engage, and then it turns out, oh, he's a nice guy.
01:42:51.000 I don't know.
01:42:52.000 Maybe it's like one of those, hey, you should smile.
01:42:54.000 Like, it never works, but so many assholes do it.
01:42:56.000 I think it's more of like, I don't know how to talk.
01:42:58.000 So you start with that, and then the girl's like, I was smiling.
01:43:01.000 And he's like, oh, okay.
01:43:02.000 And it's just like an opening for someone who's not as articulate.
01:43:05.000 An awkward opening from...
01:43:07.000 I was...
01:43:07.000 I'm not going to say the state, so we'll just say it was California, but it wasn't.
01:43:11.000 I was headlining a club.
01:43:14.000 This was years and years and years ago because the club is not that great.
01:43:18.000 And there was a guy who was opening for me.
01:43:21.000 And it's weird.
01:43:22.000 My power dynamic is different because I'm the headliner.
01:43:24.000 I've never told a guy he has to sleep with me to get a gig or something like that.
01:43:28.000 And I went...
01:43:29.000 It'd be hilarious if you did.
01:43:30.000 Oh my...
01:43:31.000 Just like licking my puss left and right.
01:43:33.000 Eat my box.
01:43:34.000 Okay, I did it once.
01:43:35.000 Okay, so...
01:43:37.000 He was the opener and he was like, oh, can I show you around?
01:43:41.000 Which, as the opener, behooves you to be nice to the headliner.
01:43:44.000 If I like you, I have plenty of friends that I just take with me because they were cool.
01:43:49.000 So we hung out.
01:43:50.000 We got coffee.
01:43:51.000 He showed me around his shitty city.
01:43:53.000 And then on that Saturday night, I had a friend in town.
01:43:56.000 It was a guy.
01:43:57.000 And I left with him.
01:43:58.000 We all went to a bar.
01:43:59.000 And I left with the guy that I was friends with.
01:44:01.000 And this comic lost his shit.
01:44:04.000 Started sending me texts like, how could you?
01:44:06.000 I spent all this time with you.
01:44:08.000 Do you know who I am?
01:44:09.000 Like, just losing it.
01:44:11.000 And I'm like, and I left.
01:44:12.000 I was out of the city.
01:44:13.000 I was going somewhere else.
01:44:14.000 And he's harassing me.
01:44:15.000 And I contacted a friend of ours.
01:44:17.000 It was a mutual friend.
01:44:18.000 And I was like, you better check your boy.
01:44:20.000 Like, what is his problem?
01:44:21.000 He's like, no, he's a good guy.
01:44:22.000 He's my friend.
01:44:22.000 Like, did nothing to defend me.
01:44:24.000 And this guy's just like spewing this vitriolic garbage at me.
01:44:28.000 Drunk.
01:44:29.000 I think sober, but you could be right.
01:44:31.000 I don't know.
01:44:32.000 And the other day, I was at the improv, and this piece of shit was the host.
01:44:38.000 And I was, like, closing the show out.
01:44:40.000 And I hadn't seen him in years.
01:44:41.000 And I wasn't about to give him the satisfaction or anything.
01:44:44.000 And I go on, and he bombed.
01:44:46.000 He died a thousand deaths.
01:44:48.000 And I was just sitting there watching and I know that he knew that I was there and he knew what he had done.
01:44:52.000 So he felt like shit?
01:44:53.000 Felt like shit.
01:44:54.000 And then he was on stage.
01:44:56.000 I can't tell the rest of it.
01:44:57.000 It doesn't matter.
01:44:58.000 But he left his phone on stage and I made him come back up and get it.
01:45:01.000 I was like, hey.
01:45:02.000 He was calling himself.
01:45:03.000 He had a cool nickname for himself.
01:45:05.000 I called him back and he had to come get his phone.
01:45:07.000 And then I fucking wrecked it.
01:45:09.000 But it was more like, you thought I was nobody.
01:45:11.000 You thought you could treat me like that.
01:45:13.000 But why did he think that if he was the opening act?
01:45:15.000 Because he probably thought I didn't deserve it or he's a crazy person or because I was in his city.
01:45:21.000 But I'd never seen behavior like that exhibited by someone who was opening for me.
01:45:26.000 But it was just like...
01:45:27.000 So that's just male-female shit.
01:45:29.000 That's like he was courting you.
01:45:32.000 He thought that you were...
01:45:33.000 He got mad that I left with someone else.
01:45:34.000 He thought that you and him were hanging out and that you liked him.
01:45:38.000 It was eventually going to lead to him banging the chick in one last comic standing.
01:45:42.000 This might have even been before.
01:45:43.000 I haven't been after it yet.
01:45:44.000 No, I haven't been after it.
01:45:46.000 It had to be if you were headlining, right?
01:45:48.000 It was after, for sure.
01:45:49.000 But I'm sure that girls, like, I've heard, you know, male friends of mine are like, yeah, I fuck all my openers.
01:45:54.000 You know, like, guys do that.
01:45:55.000 I've never had the luxury.
01:45:57.000 Seems like a bad practice.
01:45:58.000 Seems like a super gross practice, but I think a lot of guys do it.
01:46:01.000 It just doesn't seem smart.
01:46:04.000 I always tell guys to not, well, I should never say don't fuck other comedians because like Tom Segura and Christina Pazitzky, they're great.
01:46:11.000 That worked out.
01:46:12.000 That worked out.
01:46:13.000 Like Moshe Kasher, Natasha Leggero, that worked out.
01:46:16.000 I think it either works out splendidly or is a nightmare.
01:46:20.000 Right.
01:46:20.000 I don't know.
01:46:22.000 Yeah.
01:46:23.000 Well, one thing would be that the person would understand what you do.
01:46:27.000 Because very few people do.
01:46:28.000 I think...
01:46:29.000 And I would think as a girl, it's got to be hard when you're the funny one.
01:46:33.000 Like, if you're the funny one, and you're dating a guy, and maybe they...
01:46:36.000 Well, you're...
01:46:37.000 See, that's the thing.
01:46:38.000 Your fiancé is so chill.
01:46:40.000 Yeah.
01:46:41.000 Like...
01:46:42.000 He's so funny too, but he doesn't need any attention.
01:46:46.000 That's the dynamic there.
01:46:48.000 And I don't really seek it out outside of stand-up.
01:46:52.000 I'm not loud.
01:46:54.000 You get it out of your system.
01:46:56.000 And I don't want to be greedy about it.
01:46:59.000 And sometimes you don't know.
01:47:00.000 You know, you don't know.
01:47:00.000 You start dating someone, then you realize, oh, they can't handle this.
01:47:03.000 Oh, they're jealous.
01:47:03.000 But it takes a minute.
01:47:04.000 And with comics, it's interesting.
01:47:06.000 You rarely see a super successful female comic with, like, a guy that's, like, middling at the chuckle bucket.
01:47:12.000 Never.
01:47:14.000 Never.
01:47:14.000 Can you think of one?
01:47:16.000 I don't know any of them.
01:47:17.000 I don't know any, like, headliners that fuck their opening acts.
01:47:22.000 Mm-mm.
01:47:22.000 That are girls.
01:47:23.000 No, and I mean...
01:47:24.000 Maybe they do.
01:47:25.000 Maybe I just don't know.
01:47:26.000 It's cool if they do.
01:47:27.000 Is it cool?
01:47:27.000 You like it?
01:47:27.000 I mean, that's cool.
01:47:29.000 I think that's cool.
01:47:31.000 Yeah, let them know.
01:47:32.000 Yeah, flip the script.
01:47:33.000 Yeah.
01:47:34.000 Yeah.
01:47:36.000 What was it like, just to get back to the business of comedy, what was it like headlining after three years?
01:47:41.000 Because I did a little bit of that, but I had a...
01:47:46.000 I had a manager who was like a really good...
01:47:48.000 I got my manager when I was about three years in, and I headlined a bunch of places where I really did not deserve.
01:47:54.000 Yeah.
01:47:55.000 Like, he got me a bunch of gigs, but I didn't have any pressure on me the way you did, winning Last Comic Standing.
01:48:00.000 I was just sort of just starting out.
01:48:03.000 So you go on this tour right after?
01:48:06.000 A Last Comic Standing tour?
01:48:07.000 Yeah, and you're, I think...
01:48:08.000 God, I couldn't have been doing that much time because there was like four of us.
01:48:11.000 Okay.
01:48:11.000 So I just close it out.
01:48:13.000 How much time do you think you're doing?
01:48:14.000 20?
01:48:15.000 I want to say 15-20.
01:48:16.000 Right.
01:48:17.000 You know, and so you finish that and it's interesting because you win something like that and it's like, okay, figure it out now.
01:48:23.000 Right.
01:48:23.000 Sink or swim.
01:48:24.000 And some people sink, some people swim after winning that show.
01:48:27.000 Most sank.
01:48:27.000 Most sank.
01:48:28.000 And I... That being said, some of these guys already had careers.
01:48:32.000 Like John Heffron was Alonzo Bowden.
01:48:34.000 Like, they're good.
01:48:34.000 And they were fine.
01:48:36.000 And they do fine.
01:48:38.000 But they're so solid, those guys.
01:48:40.000 Both those guys.
01:48:41.000 I just kind of scrape together what you have.
01:48:43.000 Even on the tour, I don't know if I was always the best one of the night, but people are still there to see you or their favorite ones.
01:48:49.000 So you're just coming from this sort of scared, but also you have confidence, but also humble place of like, I hope that I can stretch this.
01:48:56.000 It's enough.
01:48:57.000 And so you have about 45 minutes left.
01:48:59.000 At least I did when you were done, when you're ready to headline.
01:49:03.000 And I think that's a lot of the energy that I put toward it was like, I'm just going to talk really, really fast.
01:49:09.000 That way if you don't laugh, it doesn't matter.
01:49:10.000 You don't know you didn't laugh because I got another joke right here.
01:49:12.000 And that has sort of become a style for now.
01:49:15.000 Now it's not about a fear.
01:49:16.000 It's more of I'm so excited to talk.
01:49:20.000 Me and some other comics did this Ray Romano charity event a couple weeks ago.
01:49:24.000 And Mark Maron was on it with me.
01:49:26.000 And we went downstairs to watch Ray to kind of hear what the crowd sounded like.
01:49:30.000 And so he was doing well.
01:49:31.000 And Mark turns to me.
01:49:32.000 This is the funniest thing ever.
01:49:34.000 And he goes, they're fine.
01:49:35.000 I go, yeah, they're good.
01:49:36.000 He goes, you'll be fine.
01:49:37.000 I go, yeah.
01:49:38.000 He goes, just do what you always do.
01:49:39.000 Steamroll over the crowd.
01:49:40.000 Don't wait for applause.
01:49:41.000 Do your voices and get off stage.
01:49:43.000 And I almost cried from laughing.
01:49:45.000 Because it was like no one ever breaks my balls like that.
01:49:48.000 And it's true.
01:49:49.000 I do that.
01:49:50.000 And that's from that competitive situation.
01:49:53.000 Like that sort of energy.
01:49:55.000 Yeah.
01:49:55.000 Well, you have that hard, hard ass exterior.
01:49:58.000 So I don't think a lot of people take a chance on breaking your balls, you know?
01:50:04.000 Which is a shame because I think it's like the best way to show that you love someone.
01:50:09.000 And it's the best way to know that somebody loves you is if they do that, you can tell the intention.
01:50:14.000 That shield also keeps you from getting harassed by creeps, too.
01:50:18.000 They don't think they can get away with it.
01:50:20.000 Maybe, and that's fine.
01:50:21.000 I think so, for sure, right?
01:50:23.000 I mean, I'm sure you've been harassed, but I think if you were more vulnerable, you've probably been harassed more.
01:50:29.000 Maybe.
01:50:29.000 I don't know.
01:50:30.000 I mean, try not to give people a chance.
01:50:32.000 You know, you're at a meet-and-greet after.
01:50:33.000 You're seeing your fans.
01:50:35.000 Oh, especially after.
01:50:36.000 I was talking about with other comics, but yeah, after for sure.
01:50:39.000 Oh, with other comics.
01:50:39.000 I think with other comics...
01:50:42.000 I, you know, you win the show three years in, and then you're at like a certain level, kind of a level all by myself.
01:50:47.000 I didn't have a lot of other women I related to because no one else was out there that I didn't know any other women.
01:50:53.000 You're kind of lonely out there.
01:50:56.000 And so I would look up to people like you, and I consider myself a colleague of yours now, but at the time, I was just like, what?
01:51:02.000 How do I? You're so much higher than me, you know?
01:51:06.000 And I didn't know you.
01:51:07.000 I didn't know any of these guys.
01:51:08.000 So it's just...
01:51:10.000 I don't know.
01:51:10.000 I don't think any of the comics would step to me because they were...
01:51:12.000 You're not around comics a lot.
01:51:14.000 I don't even remember when we met.
01:51:16.000 I think I knew...
01:51:17.000 We knew each other.
01:51:18.000 Like, it took time.
01:51:19.000 I was always at the store, but...
01:51:21.000 I mean, I think it was just...
01:51:23.000 I think you were around, though, in the days that I wasn't at the store.
01:51:26.000 Yeah.
01:51:27.000 What year did you win last Comic Standing?
01:51:29.000 2008. Yeah, see, I wasn't there then.
01:51:31.000 Yeah, you weren't there.
01:51:32.000 Yeah.
01:51:33.000 But obviously everyone knew who you were.
01:51:35.000 It's weird.
01:51:35.000 I was talking to, like, Steve Simone about this.
01:51:37.000 Like, there are people you know your whole career, but you may not start talking to them until recently, and then it's as if you were always friends.
01:51:44.000 Yeah.
01:51:45.000 So now I consider myself like an upperclassman there.
01:51:48.000 I'm also—I really try to just be kind to the other comics, door guys, younger comics.
01:51:54.000 I always give—and you're like this, too.
01:51:55.000 Give someone the time of day.
01:51:56.000 If you're going to be respectful and nice, I have no problem giving it back.
01:52:00.000 Yeah, well, a lot of those door guys, like, guys who started out as door guys, Duncan and Ari are two of my best friends.
01:52:06.000 They're both door guys.
01:52:08.000 A lot of people started as door guys.
01:52:09.000 Jessica Wellington is the only girl, and I have her come feature for me.
01:52:13.000 She did my show last night.
01:52:14.000 That's the kind of girl that needs a chance, because she is, like, in a boys' club within a boys' club.
01:52:19.000 How's that work?
01:52:20.000 What do you mean?
01:52:21.000 She's a door guy.
01:52:22.000 She's a girl.
01:52:23.000 So it's all dudes.
01:52:24.000 Oh, I get it.
01:52:24.000 And she's at the store.
01:52:27.000 And I was like, someone needs to be nice to this girl.
01:52:29.000 That's a fucking shitty job.
01:52:30.000 That's tough.
01:52:31.000 Yeah, but you're around comedy all the time.
01:52:34.000 I mean, you're at the World Series of Comedy.
01:52:37.000 On a daily basis.
01:52:39.000 I mean, imagine you're a cover booth person and you get a chance to sit there and watch some of the best shows.
01:52:45.000 Holy shit, Dave Chappelle just showed up.
01:52:46.000 Holy fuck.
01:52:47.000 And you're sitting there from that cover booth watching Dave Chappelle and he brings Mos Def on stage with him or something like that.
01:52:53.000 I mean, that shit happens there all the time.
01:52:54.000 Oh my God, he's bringing up Chris Rock.
01:52:56.000 Your fucking head's ready to explode.
01:52:59.000 And I mean, there's a reality of working there that doesn't exist anywhere else.
01:53:03.000 You go over to the Laugh Factory.
01:53:06.000 You know, you ain't getting that fucking reality.
01:53:08.000 Cool.
01:53:09.000 It's UCLA stand-up comic showcase night?
01:53:11.000 Cool.
01:53:12.000 That place can burn.
01:53:15.000 I get very protective.
01:53:17.000 I told you.
01:53:18.000 Wait, you know why I say that, right?
01:53:19.000 You know about this, right?
01:53:20.000 Well, there's a bunch of shit.
01:53:21.000 I could tell you things, too.
01:53:23.000 I'm banned from there.
01:53:24.000 Yeah.
01:53:24.000 I am banned from the Laugh Factory, a club that I've been a regular at forever.
01:53:29.000 I've told you the story.
01:53:30.000 I won't repeat it if I told it to you.
01:53:31.000 Well, you told it to me, but you don't need to throw the Laugh Factory into the dust.
01:53:34.000 I started going there under the idea that I should support the club because I don't want it to go under.
01:53:40.000 Because I don't want it to go under.
01:53:42.000 That's so sad.
01:53:43.000 Well, I found out they record all your sets.
01:53:45.000 Yeah.
01:53:47.000 I will say that I get, you know, the store is, I always say that the comedy store, the OR in particular, is like an abusive boyfriend.
01:53:55.000 Like, you're like, this hurts.
01:53:57.000 Oh, my God.
01:53:57.000 And then when you don't go for a while, you're like, I need you.
01:54:00.000 It's like Stockholm Syndrome.
01:54:01.000 Weight training.
01:54:02.000 It's like doing a set with a giant weight vest on.
01:54:05.000 It's like swinging with two bats.
01:54:06.000 Yeah.
01:54:07.000 But sometimes it's great.
01:54:08.000 If you can compete or hang, rather, in that environment, you can go anywhere else, you'd be killing.
01:54:16.000 It's so true.
01:54:17.000 And, you know, you get comics that kind of get the vibe of the store from a couple years ago when it wasn't the friendliest place.
01:54:22.000 And it has that reputation.
01:54:23.000 But I take great solace in knowing that, like, my home is an intimidating environment.
01:54:28.000 And I love...
01:54:30.000 Whatever space I've carved out there, and I don't take it for granted, and I try to respect the shows and respect the audience, and, you know, I'm so proud to be a store comic.
01:54:39.000 It's not the kindest of lovers all the time.
01:54:41.000 It's not always the most supportive, but I'm very proud of that upbringing, because that store made me the comic that I am, that OR, you know?
01:54:50.000 The main room where it's all Swedish tourists, and you're like, you guys don't want me to talk?
01:54:54.000 And it just makes you—so you can go anywhere and comic shit on it, and I'm like, you just sound jealous.
01:55:00.000 Because you can't hang.
01:55:01.000 Who shits on the store?
01:55:02.000 All the time.
01:55:02.000 All the time.
01:55:03.000 I don't like the store.
01:55:04.000 I didn't say that.
01:55:06.000 Or regular comics.
01:55:07.000 You did.
01:55:08.000 They have to be weak.
01:55:09.000 It's because they don't like bombing.
01:55:11.000 But anybody.
01:55:11.000 You make fun of something that you're afraid of.
01:55:13.000 Yeah.
01:55:14.000 Well, then there's things to make fun of just because they suck.
01:55:16.000 Bombing there feels so good, though.
01:55:18.000 It's like pushing into a bruise.
01:55:20.000 You're like, yes, I need this.
01:55:22.000 Oh, wow.
01:55:22.000 Interesting.
01:55:23.000 Well, you've got a good attitude about it.
01:55:25.000 I still do the improv.
01:55:26.000 I'm doing the improv tonight.
01:55:27.000 Yeah.
01:55:28.000 Improv's cool.
01:55:29.000 The store's got...
01:55:29.000 There's something about it, though.
01:55:31.000 There's a grittiness to it, and I'm very proud of it.
01:55:33.000 And the improv's never been anything but lovely to me.
01:55:35.000 It was the first club I got passed at.
01:55:37.000 It's still a great club.
01:55:38.000 I wish they'd take that fucking stupid piano off the stage.
01:55:41.000 Oh my god!
01:55:41.000 And they seat people behind it!
01:55:44.000 Behind the fucking piano.
01:55:45.000 I apologize to those people every time.
01:55:47.000 I'm like, someone send them a drink, because you can only see my feet.
01:55:49.000 And what if you have to do something physical and you're doing it behind the piano?
01:55:53.000 Wait, so for the one time Owen Benjamin drops in, we have a whole piano?
01:55:55.000 Exactly.
01:55:56.000 That's what I told Owen.
01:55:57.000 I said, you need to bring your own fucking piano.
01:55:58.000 You and Craig Robinson.
01:55:59.000 Bring a keyboard, asshole.
01:56:01.000 Yeah, what the fuck?
01:56:02.000 It's just like one of those old school things that nobody ever got rid of.
01:56:05.000 I think...
01:56:06.000 I mean, there's a lot of things that...
01:56:08.000 Maybe we can talk them into it.
01:56:09.000 You think that would change the world?
01:56:11.000 What are you going to send the email to?
01:56:12.000 Make the club way better.
01:56:13.000 I know people.
01:56:14.000 I got some email addresses I could send you.
01:56:15.000 We'll have to talk about this offline.
01:56:18.000 We've got to talk about a bunch of things offline.
01:56:19.000 I need to remember all the different people that said fucked up things to you that you don't want to say.
01:56:23.000 I have a name on the tip of my tongue.
01:56:25.000 I'm going to say it the second we turn it off.
01:56:26.000 I can't wait.
01:56:27.000 Let's wrap it up now.
01:56:29.000 So your book.
01:56:30.000 We can wrap it up now.
01:56:32.000 Eliza Slester, Girl Logic, available right now.
01:56:35.000 Probably the last Harvey Weinstein-approved book ever.
01:56:38.000 Yeah.
01:56:39.000 Right?
01:56:39.000 I wrote you something on the book.
01:56:40.000 Did you?
01:56:40.000 Yeah.
01:56:41.000 I won't read it then.
01:56:42.000 It's very small.
01:56:42.000 I don't want to be...
01:56:43.000 I don't want to tear up.
01:56:44.000 Please buy my book.
01:56:45.000 Tear up.
01:56:46.000 Go buy her book, you fucks.
01:56:47.000 And go see her on tour.
01:56:49.000 She's very funny.
01:56:50.000 And where are you at?
01:56:51.000 Where can people get your tour dates and all that jazz?
01:56:54.000 I'm on tour nonstop, so go to Eliza.com, and we just announced my fourth Netflix special is going to be on the USS Hornet off the coast of San Francisco in the Bay, February 23rd.
01:57:03.000 You're going to do a stand-up special on a boat?
01:57:04.000 On an aircraft carrier.
01:57:05.000 Holy shit.
01:57:06.000 We announced it today.
01:57:07.000 That's badass.
01:57:08.000 Have you ever done that before?
01:57:09.000 Have you ever performed on a boat?
01:57:10.000 I have.
01:57:11.000 Aircraft carrier?
01:57:12.000 I did on the SS Stennis in the Persian Gulf on a USO tour.
01:57:16.000 Holy shit.
01:57:16.000 I stole the idea.
01:57:17.000 That's a great idea to do a special there.
01:57:20.000 Whoa.
01:57:20.000 Are you going to wear a red, white, and blue bikini?
01:57:22.000 I think I might just wear a white bodysuit or a camo bodysuit.
01:57:25.000 Camo.
01:57:25.000 Now I'm talking.
01:57:26.000 Right?
01:57:26.000 I like that.
01:57:27.000 I like that.
01:57:28.000 I like that.
01:57:28.000 All right.
01:57:29.000 Thank you, Liza.
01:57:29.000 Thanks, Joe.
01:57:30.000 We'll see you tomorrow, you fucks.
01:57:33.000 Bye!