On this week's episode, the boys are joined by the Mayor of Bisbee, Arizona, Douglas Danhope, to talk about his love of flotation tanks and the weird things he's done with them. They also talk about the weirdest thing they've ever done with an above ground pool, and how they're going to kill off all the mosquitoes that live in them. Also, the guys talk about what it's like living in Alaska, and why they don't want to live there anymore. And, of course, they talk about how much they love Joe Rogan and his band, The Mars Volts. They also get into the latest movie adaptation of Game of Thrones, The Mandalorian, which is out now on Amazon Prime Video and Blu-ray on Amazon, as well as other streaming services like Netflix and Vimeo. Don't miss it! Logo by Courtney DeKorte. Theme by Mavus White. Music by PSOVOD and tyops. If you like what you hear, please leave us a five star rating and review on Apple Podcasts! Subscribe, review, and subscribe to our other podcast, and tell a friend about what you think of the episode! if you think it's good, rating, reviewing, and sharing it on your favorite streaming platform, and/or sharing it with a friend! Thanks again for listening to, and share it with your fellow podcasters! Timestamps: 5 stars! 5 stars, 5 stars is much appreciated! 6 stars is a rating and a review is a review on iTunes. 7 stars is also a review, so please spread the word out there about the episode and review it to your friends about it helps spread it around the wide and everywhere else it gets a chance to spread it everywhere else. Thanks for listening! Thank you for listening, and I'll be back next week! I'll see you soon. Timeless, Timeless Crew! XOXO. XO, Cheers, Cheers! - Kevin Mclean - Tom Bell xOXO, John Rocha ( ) and Cheers Thank You, Joe Rogan . Joe Rogans Thanks, Kevin McAfee & Cheers. - John R. ( ) and Brian Rogan ( ) - , John ( )
00:00:32.000I knew when I pulled up, well, the Uber dropped us at the wrong place, but then we walked a few buildings down and I saw a pickup truck loading Epsom salt into a side door.
00:00:43.000I go, yeah, that's flotation tank shit right there.
00:00:51.000I only did a flotation tank once for a shoot at your house for the man show, and you had the one in the house, and we were doing it for a shoot, so you can't really sit back and enjoy it.
00:01:02.000But for that 30 seconds, they shut the door until they go, uh, action!
00:01:07.000You're like, wow, this is fucking weird!
00:01:50.000I'm sure there's some kind of upkeep that's necessary that I wouldn't do, and I'd forget, and I'd go on the road, and I'd come back, and there's bushes growing in there.
00:04:19.000The pool was cool when we got that house.
00:04:22.000It's above ground, but it's on a slope, so there's a deck on one side.
00:04:27.000So it seems like an above-ground pool, because you're above the pool, but it's still an above-ground pool, and it's only four feet deep or something.
00:06:16.000Well, Joey Diaz could sit and tell you all his stories.
00:06:18.000Yeah, he could tell them right and if you have a guy I'm just I could never trust anyone to write so hard so hard I've talked to so many authors or writers or journalists even that they'll hand in a piece and then the editor tweaks it and changes it and An editor got fired from the Daily News for doing that pretty recently because the guy had attributions in his story,
00:06:44.000the different studies and shit, where he got the information that was in it, whatever the version.
00:06:49.000And then he got accused of plagiarism when he has the original document that he sent to the publisher.
00:09:41.000Aren't they a little bit more open-minded and intelligent than the rest of the country?
00:09:44.000Well, the people that hired the judges, the producer, I forget her name, that I hung out with the whole three weeks, and we'd drink and have fun.
00:09:51.000That probably helped, but they appreciated you before that.
00:10:16.000But hey, look, my point is, Last Comic Standing let a lot of people know.
00:10:21.000Alonzo Bowden, you know, Heffron, John Heffron.
00:10:24.000Alfie May was the first year he lost to DatFan, which I said on Twitter is what killed him.
00:10:30.000He couldn't get over the shame even 20 years later, or 15. Is DatFan still around?
00:10:35.000I've looked him up, and I... Every here and again you remember Dat Fan and you search to see and there's occasionally he'd be playing a casino.
00:10:44.000He was a guy that I felt like there's some really unbalanced hatred towards.
00:14:19.000I mean, I just really feel like we should try for meaningful discussion with friendly people and just figure out what the fuck we disagree on.
00:14:29.000But that's where I get trapped, is I'm the guy that when the Jehovah's Witness comes to my door, if I'm in the mood, I'm gonna prove him wrong.
00:14:39.000And the less sense they make, the harder that fucking wood is to knock on, the more...
00:16:10.000But you know how we have laws and we have like certain ways that we behave and we have just like agreements with how we dress and the words we use and the phrases.
00:16:18.000If there was a religion that was all super positive that we just all agree to adopt just the same way we adopt all the other things that we do in our lives.
00:16:27.000All the other normal shit we do with the way we decide to dress or cars we drive, just adopt that in there too.
00:16:36.000We behave as if we are souls in a vessel created by the Great One who knows everything and has a plan for us all and we should be kind to each other and move in the direction of love and harmony.
00:16:48.000Well, then there'd be some cocksucker that says, oh, yeah, that great entity just spoke to me directly in my bedroom, and we're going to have a different sect of this perfect religion.
00:16:59.000There's a fucking funny show on Netflix about that.
00:22:44.000It's called the euphemism treadmill, where you can't say retarded because, but retarded was the clinical term because before that they were called imbeciles and morons.
00:22:54.000Well, they were called mongoloid idiots.
00:22:56.000Yeah, and that's what it was for kids with Down syndrome, which is crazy.
00:23:17.000And you said, oh, and you made that stick.
00:23:20.000That's what I'm going to make fun of you for when you slip on a banana peel.
00:23:24.000Oh, you just exhibited some of the lantoaxial instability usually associated with the trisomy 21 genetic disorder, you fucking stooge.
00:26:31.000But if I went on stage, then I would have this whole anxiety, well, that sucked, and then I'd be apologizing for my set.
00:26:40.000Oh, great set, says Greg Proops or someone, and then you're like, it wasn't good, I forgot this tag and that tag, and I... Rather than just hanging out and enjoying myself, so fuck a set.
00:26:51.000You know, here's the thing though, and I'm gonna say this with all sincerity, there's more understanding and camaraderie at the store right now than any place I've ever been at any time.
00:27:04.000And even when we have bad sets, like people, some of them have a bad set and like, how was it?
00:27:08.000Dude, I did not connect with those people.
00:27:10.000Like, someone will say, you know, we'll be talking about what went wrong.
00:27:13.000Rather do it in Fayetteville, Arkansas, than the comedy store in front of my peers.
00:27:17.000I'd rather eat shit somewhere no one will see it.
00:27:19.000You talk about it, and you learn something from it.
00:27:21.000And it's like, it's a weird environment, but it fosters new shit.
00:28:08.000See, you and I are very different in that regard.
00:28:10.000I would rather just not talk to those people.
00:28:12.000But if you did want to go to war, which I used to do, you can get some material out of that, for sure, because you're forcing yourself to think.
00:28:20.000Like, any time you're forcing yourself to...
00:28:21.000Like, I've found that, like, the best shit that I ever write, I write completely freeform.
00:28:26.000Where I don't know, I'll just start thinking about any subject and just start writing.
00:28:34.000I'm not specifically trying to write jokes, and on the way, I can kind of suck those jokes out of there.
00:30:26.000Here's essentially what it is, if you can't find it.
00:30:29.000You've got to find it, because I don't want to fuck this up.
00:30:32.000I can't tell you how many times I've told Hennigan about, no, this comic, you've got to see, this is a great comic, they do this bit, and I do the bit for him, and he's like, oh, that's funny.
00:30:41.000And then he sees them, he's like, oh, you do it so much better.
00:31:04.000These alt-right fellows attacked and started saying that this guy had tweeted, which is essentially a rape joke, and that we would never sponsor you and we're going to contact your sponsors.
00:32:45.000What he did was he made a video explaining what the joke was, why he said it, and the fact that it was a part of a series of tweets that he said.
00:33:12.000I don't either, but I know that he could probably start a podcast and make a decent living and not have to work for someone who's going to fire him.
00:33:20.000Well, I think he has his own show, Minority Report, right?
00:34:20.000Which is what's happening with the Me Too thing, where you go, I see all the benefits of people coming out, and it's putting the fear into fucking everybody.
00:34:39.000He doesn't like something that makes you think that God wants you to kill people.
00:34:44.000He doesn't want, I mean, whether or not you interpret that the way the Christians do, I mean, there's not a lot of people killing people over some shit from the fucking Old Testament.
00:34:52.000You know, there's no one out there enacting the rage of God for people wearing two different types of cloth, right?
00:34:58.000Because Christians are generally better off Financially.
00:35:03.000Yeah, once you get a lot of fucking toys, and yeah, you dismiss a lot of that, I should kill myself in the name of blank.
00:35:09.000That's a fucking good point, you know, and I've always wondered.
00:35:11.000If you look at, like, the Middle East, you're not looking at, like, lush tropical forests and beautiful beaches like Brazil, you know, where everybody's happy and they want to play fucking volleyball on the beach and do jiu-jitsu.
00:35:25.000Yeah, they still wear the garb, but then once they get behind the gold-plated palace doors, yeah, there's dicks swinging and fucking champagne flowing.
00:38:49.000It's some drink, but there was a surplus of copper at the time, so the guy, in order to get rid of copper, said, oh, you have to drink it out of a copper cup, and it was just a big ruse, and now copper, it's going to be in a copper cup, and I don't know how they did that with Corona and a lime.
00:40:33.000But what scares the shit out of me is that in the short term, I think most people are going to get out of there if they prepare and move accordingly.
00:40:42.000But you've got to realize what this is.
00:40:45.000This is something that when you get a fire this size, it's burned.
00:40:49.000Back that up a little bit so you can get the numbers.
00:40:51.000Just in today, it's burned 45,000 acres, destroyed at least 150 structures, and forced 27,000 people to evacuate.
00:41:04.000When something is this big and it's this strong and the winds are this fucking crazy, you look at how those trees are blowing over sideways and these fucking houses are up in flames.
00:41:29.000You couldn't turn on your taps because they used it all to put out City Hall.
00:41:33.000I wonder if there's like a chart where you could see, where you could go back to 9-11 and then post 9-11, how many women got impregnated by firefighters?
00:41:47.000People have kind of like taken them for granted until they do something to actually save your house.
00:41:50.000I used to do that bit about after 9-11, firefighters and cops were getting so much hero pussy, they were launching it like a rotted octopus out of...
00:42:13.000Well, then the war came, and that was, I think, the bit.
00:42:16.000All the troops are getting the hero pussy that 9-11 first responders used to get, and now they're just hanging around bars going, remember me?
00:42:28.000Do you know, Google has this crazy thing on its phone that I was paying attention to recently, where you say something, like, hello, my name is Doug Stanhope, and then it translates it out loud to someone else, like through your phone.
00:42:40.000They talk to your phone, and they'll say, you know, and they go through the thing, it translates it, and then it changes it in your ear to what English is, the English version of that.
00:43:27.000In seconds, it'll pull up your Wikipedia, who is Doug Stanhope, in seconds.
00:43:33.000If they can do this thing right, we're going to have a thing in our ear, like a little earbud, and you're going to be able to talk to people all over the fucking planet.
00:47:30.000Yeah, I had a white Yukon Denali, and you were pissing out the door while we were high on mushrooms, going 65 miles an hour down the highway.
00:47:37.000Doug's got the door open, and he's like pissing out the door.
00:48:52.000And I took it with one of those Motorola flip phones back in 2000. Because we were filming Fear Factor, downtown LA. And this lady was walking around with her tit out.
00:52:39.000But then you watch like Cops or something where you see a lady like that that's getting caught in a pickup truck sucking some old dude's dick and you go, I guess you could.
00:53:48.000I know I didn't rape anyone, but how many times might I have led a woman astray with promises of everlasting love and harmony just because I was drunk and wanted to fuck her and then didn't call.
00:54:35.000Someone get in trouble for something they didn't do because they dated a gal and she hated them and so she made up some stuff and this has happened before.
00:54:48.000We should clarify because this is a touchy subject.
00:54:51.000I know you're not a sexist by any stretch of the imagination.
00:54:55.000In support of the Alleged witch hunt because it is making people who are serious abusers and there's one I fucking want to out but I I don't know you don't have to but no I'm not going to but you know that it's real and then you know that people in positions of power like that who have people working under them or dependent upon them in that way they will prey on them and do weird shit to them and they've been doing it forever because they can get away with it and that seems to be like That seems to be how this town,
00:56:50.000And a lot of times, along the way, people get into some, you know, some weird spaces in their life, you know?
00:56:58.000Man Show, the secretary that we had, you weren't around for a lot of it, because you were doing Fear Factor 14 hours a day, then Man Show for four hours, then you'd do an hour at the comedy store, and you'd sleep for 30 minutes.
00:58:02.000But I have a weird idea that men and women, when they're working together in small boxes for long periods of time, year on year, that becomes their environment.
00:58:12.000And that becomes the way they think about the outside world.
00:58:30.000Yeah, we think that we can get away with all this shit.
00:58:33.000So I find myself extrapolating that on people that are in a workplace.
00:58:38.000I don't know what it's like to work in an office where the boss says, hey, you can move up to assistant regional director if you watch me jerk off.
00:59:26.000And then when we went up to, this is the story that's in the book, at the Bunny Ranch.
00:59:31.000And Dennis Hoff tells us both, hey, you can have one of my girls on the house.
00:59:37.000Carrot Top has fucked my girls, so-and-so has fucked my girls, and Rogan's like, uh, first of all, not only am I married, but I wouldn't want to be in that litany of names that you dropped that have other celebrities that have fucked your hookers.
00:59:50.000He's like, no, no, I wouldn't drop your name.
01:00:04.000It bummed me out because they were crying and some of them were saying that they wished that that had been the case and that someone would come and rescue them.
01:00:21.000Dude, for me, man, I was like, oh, God.
01:00:25.000I've adopted a lot of dogs in my life.
01:00:28.000And I've taken on a lot of friend projects, especially when I was young, that enough things have happened that lead me to believe that I have a lot of rescue and parenting type feelings about nurturing people that feel like they're in danger by themselves.
01:00:46.000So when I see something like that, I'm like, oh, Christ.
01:00:51.000You don't really realize, because you don't see their lives on a daily basis, but you realize in that moment, you're like, oh, this isn't funny at all.
01:04:00.000I've been begging him not to air it because I don't know what I said.
01:04:03.000Bert's seen Ari's dick about a hundred times.
01:04:06.000Well, so for the book, I sent a bunch of pictures with Hennigan to pick and choose, and then they took all these dick pics of me in public.
01:04:14.000I'm like, you can't have all the picture sections, just my dick.
01:05:08.000But I... I have to make this so spacious time-wise because I don't want to out the person, but I was doing comedy and I was a comedian I knew back in the day when we were young in another millennium.
01:06:50.000Well, I had heard from someone else that had talked to someone and gotten like the story from Louie and their version of it through the grapevine.
01:06:59.000So don't take this as like verbatim was something along the lines of no, it was just he thought it was silly to like pull his dick out and take pictures with them and then I had heard that he was saying that it wasn't he didn't actually Masturbate in front of them.
01:07:43.000But if you're a man and you're alone in a room with a woman, and this is my perception of it, it's always a power thing because it's fucking weird because you can kill them.
01:07:54.000Like, have you ever been around like a UFC athlete, some big giant, like Francis Ngannou?
01:07:59.000This was in a public place where you go, if this was a Tinder date, this happened in a place where you'd go, I want to meet you in public because I don't want to be...
01:08:10.000Yeah, but if you're alone in a room with a man It's like being and you know that a man has like some sexual urges directed towards you and you're a woman it becomes a vulnerable situation and if There's some weird shit where someone if let's just say someone was blocking the door because I had heard that Louie didn't block any doors Then it becomes really crazy.
01:08:35.000Yes Yeah, well, it's also like I think The thing that people have the hardest time with all of this is you never want to think that it's possible that someone would do something horrible to somebody if you liked them.
01:11:12.000But if you get picked up, if you're hitchhiking, and you get picked up by six chicks who decide to blow you and film it and put it on the internet, and you're cracking jokes and pitching your book, you're holding your book while some chick is sucking your dick, you're a king.
01:12:04.000If you raised your daughter with the same openness that you raised your son, she'd know not to fuck a 35-year-old soccer coach when she's 15. Because you were open, you told her, here's the pitfalls of life, this is what it's about.
01:14:02.000You called Zoe before you checked on me.
01:14:04.000Maybe I called you first, but she's the one that counted because she was our go-to person at Comedy Central.
01:14:09.000And I said, listen, before you cancel us, give us one last episode where Joe and I get gay married and it just goes into this montage, but it's the opposite of every marriage cliche where we're fishing together and no one's arguing.
01:16:30.000He's just a guy that's like, you know, Dice Clay was gigantic and he got hit with the first wave of comedy haters.
01:16:39.000Like, people don't remember, when I was 19, it was me and my girlfriend Marta, and we were parked out in front of my house, and we were listening to a Dice Clay cassette in my car, and we were fucking crying.
01:16:56.000I mean, tears were coming down my face.
01:20:29.000I think there's a big thing in Scottish society, which one of the few good things I'll say about Scottish society is it's kind of egalitarian.
01:20:36.000And we enjoy knocking people down who think they're better than other people, including yourself.
01:20:54.000And it goes back to your thing about punching up, not down.
01:20:58.000Yeah, occasionally, but here's the thing about this whole punching up, punching down thing.
01:21:01.000I always bring up Sam Kinison's bit about the Ethiopian kids that were starving to death.
01:21:06.000It's one of the fucking greatest all-time bits, and it's 100% punching down.
01:21:10.000He's got two, in my opinion, I mean, if you have a list of the greatest of all-time bits, two of them in my mind are Sam Kinison, and one of them is the Ethiopian kids.
01:21:18.000He's like, you know, you're sitting at home, you got a dinner, you made it all yourself.
01:21:22.000You know, you're sitting in front of the TV, feeling good about life, and all of a sudden this fucking kid, this starving kid, and there's a guy right next to him.
01:21:31.000Like, could you please just give a couple dollars a month so this guy can say, hey, and you're like, hey, why don't you feed him?
01:23:18.000And I'm glad that I judged you for no other reason than you.
01:23:21.000And some people will trick you, but some people, you meet them online, and they turn out to be the exact same thing when you meet them in person, and they're really cool.
01:23:32.000Some of the funniest people, funny online funny, that when you meet them, biggest social retards, they can't have, can't make eye contact, can't deliver the line.
01:23:48.000If they're on the keyboard, they're the funniest person.
01:25:04.000It's Duckfan is the Twitter account, Duckfan something.
01:25:09.000And she, yeah, she gets her arm lopped off by a train, and she posts all sorts of smutty shit, but she also posts really funny shit.
01:25:18.000And I said, I wish when I come to San Diego that you had a set, because you're hot, you have one arm, everything's already in your favor, you're already naturally funny.
01:25:29.000Yeah, there's some fucking funny people on Twitter.
01:25:31.000There's some funny people that work at the post office.
01:25:45.000There's so many people in so many jobs that are just as funny as us, or maybe way more.
01:25:50.000My friend Dave Dolan, rest in peace, who was one of my bosses back when I was first starting doing stand-up, he was a private investigator.
01:25:58.000Funniest person I've ever met in my life.
01:26:42.000Waiting for this person to like come up would be like five o'clock in the morning parked like doing like surveillance on someone's house Like waiting for them to leave their house five o'clock in the morning because someone's like doing like some sort of an insurance scam Most of it was insurance and he would just I would be crying and I was thinking I'm trying to be a comic This guy's five,
01:27:00.000six years older than me at least, like maybe nine years older than me.
01:27:03.000I think I was 21. He was like 30. An eternity.
01:27:16.000I loved working for the guy, and I worked for him for the entire six months, and he needed to have no license after he got arrested for a DUI. Stayed friends with him until he died.
01:27:26.000In the book, I talk about Becker and Andy, two guys that are way funnier than me, and fuck them, they never could put it together on stage.
01:27:38.000As much as they say they're trying to be like you, I'm trying to be like them.
01:27:42.000You know, those funny people you know.
01:27:45.000Yeah, I want to steal that essence, because I know how to put it on stage.
01:27:49.000I'll never be naturally off the cuff as funny as the funniest people I've met, but I can do it on stage, and you can't, so fuck you.
01:28:01.000The organization has some sort of writer-correspondent.
01:28:04.000You know, you should have a policy that sexual harassment is mandatory and everybody works inside the Doug Stanhope information collection organization.
01:28:15.000Like anybody who's trying to help you with creation of your act, idea gathering, what have you.
01:29:17.000And here's the part of the problem, is what we were talking about earlier, that if you got in a car with seven women and they all fucked you, you're a hero.
01:29:24.000But if a gal gets in the car with seven Jason Momoa's, that guy from the Game of Thrones, that fucking beautiful handsome man, that gigantic handsome man...
01:29:58.000It's the same reason why Catholics feel guilty.
01:30:00.000It's not a matter of what's wrong or what's right.
01:30:03.000It's a matter of what you enjoy and what you don't enjoy because other people are going to judge you for it.
01:30:07.000And then you've got to get to the root of why are these people judging you.
01:30:10.000For a giant percentage of the men that judge women for their sexual activity, it's 100% out of jealousy.
01:30:15.000It's 100% out of the idea that this woman would not want to do that with them, and they cast a judgment on her, and they decide that her needs are different than a man's needs.
01:30:25.000But the bottom line is all these things were established back when it was really difficult to have children.
01:30:29.000And you had to protect your children, and most of them were going to die, and you were literally concerned about the population of your village.
01:30:35.000Well, those instincts, they still exist.
01:30:37.000The problem is that's not a concern anymore, and then there's fucking birth control and whatever, 1960 or whatever that chick came out.
01:31:54.000Yeah, well, essentially, the world is kind of like that.
01:31:58.000Like, if this wildfire in Ventura spreads across the world while this podcast goes on and on, and then we walk out, and you're like, oh, fucking zombie apocalypse without the zombies.
01:32:28.000By the way, I don't know if it's hot in here, but I'm actually sweating from the ears, and I thought it's because Joe Rogan's bellowing so much, I'm bleeding out of my earphones, but it's actually sweat.
01:32:39.000I'm sweating on your earphones, and whoever sits here next, I hope he's OCD, because...
01:33:28.000I have a friend who went to look at a house, and they were looking at the house, and there's a nice house, like, wow, this house is beautiful.
01:33:33.000And they got to this one closet, and the closet was filled with Purell, with hand sanitizer.
01:34:29.000He's a pretty famous mycologist who was on my podcast recently and had some amazing stories.
01:34:33.000But one of the things that he said is, like, if you come in contact with someone, their biome interacts with your biome, and there's some sort of a residual amount of their DNA that you're taking into your own biome.
01:34:44.000Like, if you meet somebody, you become part of them in some very bizarre way.
01:37:43.000When you don't account for growth, and this is my huge thing, if I had a charity that I was behind, if I was on Dancing with the Stars, which I think I might be, how do those negotiations go out?
01:39:40.000About all of the things we're talking about.
01:39:42.000I was talking with Brian Callen the other day, and we were talking about something, and he was like, you know, I've been talking about this in my act.
01:39:48.000And I'm like, of course you have, because this is what's really relevant today.
01:39:51.000And I think that all of us have this weird thing.
01:39:54.000We don't want to step on each other's material.
01:39:56.000But of course you're going to see some of the same things that I'm seeing.
01:39:59.000And I want to see your take on it as much as I want to see my take on it.
01:40:21.000I have been missing just one sealing chunk of this bit that sometimes goes 25 minutes of too long, and I'm just trying to get the point across, and all this current climate,
01:40:37.000as I keep calling it, Like, that's what I was missing.
01:40:41.000Now I have specific examples of this guy versus this guy.
01:40:46.000Now, it made the entire bit come together and now I'm off the road till March.
01:40:53.000Now I actually want to go out and do more dates just because there's a year and a half I think I've been working on this fucking one stupid bit.
01:41:49.000Hate mail from fans, not egregious, actually well thought out, hey, I saw you, I agree with most of what you say, but what you were saying, are you saying, and I'm like, no, that's not what I'm saying, that's what I'm trying to not say, but I'm having such a hard time alliterating this,
01:42:06.000and everything that's happened in the last month or two has, oh, now I can exactly point out what I'm saying, and I actually...
01:42:15.000I reverse engineered it where I go oh I should be starting from where I was ending and then go the other way rather than apologizing and Yeah.
01:42:43.000I was doing these shitty gigs for fucking months, and every night I hated going on stage, and now I want to go on stage, but I don't have a gig.
01:42:53.000What I found pretty recently, like within the last year, I mean, is that that is all like some shit that I internalize.
01:42:59.000And then if I can just like express or respond to that the least amount, like all the weird shit, I know it exists, I have a weird set, it's too long, it's too this, too that, I don't like it, I know it exists, don't freak out, but understand what that is,
01:43:20.000Now let's figure out how to fucking never let that happen again.
01:43:23.000Because there's a big difference in the swing between the audience having a fucking amazing time, or it was really good for 45 minutes, then it sucked for 10. Shit.
01:43:33.000No better learning experience that happens for decades than eating shit.
01:43:41.000Nothing will ever make you come back stronger than actually dying on your ass.
01:43:46.000But I'd rather be mediocre at this point.
01:43:49.000But even mediocre requires like eating shit.
01:46:35.000Current urban trends in his act that he fucking destroyed and I'm up there like kind of new with my anti-authoritarian kind of point of view and fuck vice cops and fuck this and fuck Nash And he closed.
01:51:24.000The point of the story was he was talking about being at Thanksgiving at his grandparents' house, who he revered, and then how he brought his kid and his kids' kids to Globe, Arizona, because he's not a family guy.
01:52:41.000My mother, her mother and her father, both from the old country.
01:52:46.000See, we don't realize it because we're living in this weird fucking semi-gentrified Starbucks era of 2017. But just during my parents' time, people got on boats.
01:52:58.000And they drifted from Europe across America on these shitty engines.
01:59:39.000It's like we were talking about before.
01:59:41.000It's like, what are you using your energy on?
01:59:44.000Are you using your energy on being upset at things and being in this constant sort of momentum of being upset from the past that you never stop?
01:59:53.000Or do you figure out a way to hit the brakes and go, okay.
01:59:59.000Why don't we just like take all that caveman shit and just go smash some punching bag and then come back to reality and be like really relaxed about it but do it purposely.
02:00:09.000Like have some sort of intent behind it to eliminate the demons.
02:00:24.000Like, I was talking about, like, if people figure out a way to make humans live to be, like, 900 years old, would it be fucked up if you had sex with a 50 year old?
02:00:37.000She's only 50. She's basically a baby.
02:00:40.000If you treat them like that until they're 50 and say you're not an adult.
02:00:44.000I know you're 12. You can have a baby right now.
02:00:48.000Nature said you are ready to actually procreate, but we've legislated that you can't be an adult until you're 18. So for the next six years, we're just going to treat you like a baby.
02:01:00.000That's an unnecessary burden for the boy and the girl and the lack of explaining.
02:01:05.000You're telling them every feeling that you have naturally is wrong.
02:01:11.000We're not going to explain that to you.
02:02:18.000I think you could easily, and this is gonna sound fucked up, I think you can easily convince a young kid that, like, sex with males is normal if everyone's doing it.
02:07:00.000I just can't have sugar, so try this for me.
02:07:05.000If you're a thirsty diabetic and you pull up to the Wendy's drive-thru at 1.45 a.m., what percentage of the time do you get a giant vat of sugar?
02:07:13.000If you're like, I just like, extra large, Diet Coke, that's it.
02:11:05.000We had Castle Rock Kenny go up and do rap first, so...
02:11:09.000We have a little stage in our little fun house where we do our podcast, and we can make it a show like that, and it's always the best audiences.
02:13:17.000Like, if you have your kid on stage and Doug wants to talk about anal vibrators and, like, it's the hardest he's ever come, and, you know, the gal was drowning and gagging, but it felt so good.
02:13:29.000He's like, how long does it take before you can resuscitate someone with no brain damage?
02:13:35.000Like, what if she blacks out from all the comments coming out because of...
02:13:40.000You couldn't do that in front of his kid.
02:13:42.000Let me get the point and let's go back to this.
02:13:45.000Because Olivia Grace, when she was down in Bisbee, she said she was there that night when Brian Hennigan was scouring the audience for female comics.
02:16:19.000I wasn't there when the issue happened, but she apparently had some issue, and it was all not a humorous discussion.
02:16:27.000It was like a sincere discussion of how bad it was that Donald Trump was going to win and how bad it was for women, because it was right after the Grab Them By The Pussy video or audio video.
02:17:27.000Her first mental institution stay when she was 5150, against her will, like when she was hardcore crazy before we get together, she wrote like an Anne Frank diary in the moment of what's going on.
02:17:41.000And she put that out as a book, her Anne Frank diary.
02:21:05.000I thought you meant where the riots took place.
02:21:08.000No, no, Craig Ferguson, we did his podcast last night, and I told him, I go, I hated you when I first saw you, because I don't watch late night, but if I was flipping channels and I saw you for a minute with your accent and getting your face into that, like,
02:21:24.000fisheye lens thing he would do in his monologue, I didn't like you until I heard you on Stern, and all of a sudden he was a human being for an hour and 20 minutes.
02:21:34.000He's a guy with good stories, and he hated...
02:21:38.000He's like, no one would accept the fact that he did not want to do anything else.
02:22:34.000One time my mother tried to make it, and it was so grotesque that when she's saying, you gotta eat it, and then when she tried it, she goes, alright, give me all your plates.
02:23:21.000It's impossible to maintain the amount of energy that's coming your way as a normal human being.
02:23:27.000I mean, you don't have any unique DNA that allows you to deal with the idea that 300 million people know who you are, or more.
02:23:35.000If you're Michael Jackson, they want to tear your DNA out and put it in a Petri dish and make a fucking clone out of you.
02:23:42.000And frame it and put it in their man cave.
02:23:45.000And there's a bunch of people that think that maybe you're molesting kids and you got a fucking amusement park in your backyard and you're literally losing your mind.
02:23:51.000And you tell a guy, hey man, I can't sleep.
02:23:53.000I want you to anesthetize me every night in a fucking tube.
02:23:57.000Just put me in some fucking crazy hyperbaric chamber and pump in the gas.
02:24:02.000I mean, this guy was off the fucking reservation.
02:24:05.000There had never been anybody that famous before.
02:24:08.000He was literally the guy with the candle at the end of the universe.
02:24:13.000Going, oh my god, I think there's more room!
02:24:25.000And nowhere between 1990 and 2017 does it look like any of what's happened to him is manageable.
02:24:32.000It's like he's running down a hill, like tumbling down a hill, and he's okay for the first decade, maybe the first two decades, but after a while he's just getting chewed the fuck up, psychologically, physically.
02:24:43.000He keeps getting more plastic surgery.
02:24:46.000And his psyche, I don't think he was ever...
02:25:21.000I was a kid, and I remember this really clearly because I was in high school and I was living at home and I was listening to WCOZ in Boston.
02:26:09.000Well, not only that, this guy was a real DJ. He was like one of the last of the real DJs that could literally decide, hey, I just heard this...
02:26:41.000This is one of the problems with money, right?
02:26:44.000There's problems with trademarks and the ability to put things on YouTube and whether or not you can get credit for this or put that up or that up.
02:26:51.000A radio station, if it just wanted to appear right now and do like that kind of a thing, it'd probably be almost impossible.
02:26:58.000Like, how many radio stations are there in the world where they would let you just play a whole Bruce Springsteen album from the beginning to the end?
02:27:04.000Well, terrestrial radio at this point could probably play child porn, just soundtracks, and no one's listening anymore.
02:27:12.000Do you still do, like, goober in the morning when you have to promote a gig?
02:27:26.000We didn't have to do it, but Johnny Dare and I have enough of a history, so when I went to Kansas City, I got there the night before, I said, alright, if I wake up at 6 a.m., which I did, and we went down just for fun and we took over morning radio.
02:27:42.000And Johnny Dare, in passing, he's like, he knows my house is all weird, so he's showing me pictures of his house, and he's got all sorts of fucked up weird kind of things, and...
02:30:43.000And I thought, fuck, Manson, as weird and unstable as he is, is the only guy I can think of that would understand where I am right now, why I'm here, how fucked I am, what's going on,
02:30:59.000and I called him and he answered his phone, which he never answers his phone, at 5.30 at night, which is morning for him.
02:32:15.000You have dudes who understand people on coke.
02:32:18.000Because they're basically on some sort of synthetic coke, and then they have to wear police body cameras, and they report to the lawyers who are sober, who get drug tested every day.
02:32:28.000And they go, okay, what exactly is going on?
02:32:30.000Everybody has a say, and they bean count together, and they go, how do we handle this?
02:32:35.000Well, we handle this by the fact that we're handling Marilyn fucking Manson!
02:33:18.000And I was so proud to have a flip phone.
02:33:20.000But when we started working the UK... Nobody calls.
02:33:25.000Everyone only texts, because I guess phone calls cost a fucking thousand pounds a minute or something.
02:33:31.000So I had to actually get a smartphone, but I still long for the flip phone days.
02:33:37.000Well, Samsung just came out with a new phone that's a hybrid.
02:33:39.000It's a combination of a smartphone and a flip phone.
02:33:42.000And you open it up, and you can get an actual keyboard.
02:33:46.000And you talk to people, just like a regular flip phone, and when you're done, you hang it up, and the front of the phone is a bezel-less smartphone.
02:33:56.000Yeah, like you can do text messages, you can view the internet, and then when you want to open it up and make phone calls, it acts like a regular old school flip phone.
02:34:03.000And people really like it, in terms of like pressing physical buttons.
02:34:34.000I go, the only time that there's that phone, the only time is like when you're on a plane or something, you're trapped and all you have is your phone.
02:35:02.000When I had to decide which picture goes in the book and which doesn't because there's too many dick pics, I deleted this and put in the me pulling my dick out in front of Louis CK but I can't wait to tweet this.
02:36:44.000Those are developed pictures from a photo mat.
02:36:47.000I think it's going to take a little time, but once we get through this, we're going to find some sort of a reasonable agreement where when you can and cannot pull your dick out.
02:36:56.000Because what we need to do when people are young, boys and girls, install a small, like some sort of a sexual equivalent to a turkey tester, or something like a green light, you know, like, ding!
02:37:09.000It goes off, like, okay, you can pull your dick out now, sir.
02:37:13.000Like, I'm 23 years old, I've been going to college, I've had sex with 17 men.
02:37:16.000But that's more the time you should pull your dick out.
02:37:18.000It's when you're our age, that's inappropriate, unless they're our age too, which, you know what, there's no 50-year-old comics hitting on 50-year-old women.
02:38:25.000No, at some point she's hunched over like I am with this posture, wearing reading glasses thicker than ours, trying to focus on something on a laptop, and that spill belly is hanging over her cunt because eight kids came out of it.
02:38:39.000That's when you both put on mascot masks.
02:38:43.000Like you're the squirrel and she's the raccoon and you guys just fuck by the firelight.
02:38:48.000Just get right in front of that goddamn fireplace and go to town.
02:38:54.000Molly and X is so overrated because it leads to all these problems.
02:39:10.000If hugging people, if committing to hugging people was as intimate as committing to having sex with people, Well, hugging people is really quick, and no one says, oh, he hugged too soon.
02:39:25.000I was hoping it was going to be a long hug, but his hug was done in seconds, like he was a teenager on his first hug.
02:39:34.000The man does not have the right to pull out of the hug before the woman wants to end the hug.
02:41:26.000If you weren't thinking about fucking, and then there's a girl dancing around a brass pole, shaking her ass, like, oh, now I have a boner, now I'm thinking about fucking, where I would have just talked to you.
02:41:37.000Well, if a girl's just sitting outside reading a book not thinking about fucking, and Jason Momoa shows up, and he's in an open shirt, like some sort of...
02:41:44.000Who is this guy that you fantasize about?
02:45:04.000What does it feel like to take five days off of cigarettes?
02:45:07.000When I do it my way perfect fantastic because I No one can come around me if I don't have to do a phoner or write a thing write a book do when you write do you like to smoke?
02:45:20.000That's the hardest thing of everything I do doing stand-up writing is that's where it's integral to the process chain smoking and Tap, tap, tap, smoke, tap, tap, tap, smoke,
02:47:26.000Like, if you decide, like, hey, I'm Doug Stanhope, and I want to bring out my notebook and tell you how fucking terrible my 1993 jokes were.
02:47:31.000Oh, Owen Benjamin goes into other people's notebooks?