The Joe Rogan Experience - Joe Rogan Experience #1134

00:00:02.000 Four, three, two, one.

00:00:05.000 Kyle Donegan, ladies and gentlemen!

00:00:07.000 That's right, baby.

00:00:09.000 Headphones or no headphones?

00:00:10.000 Oh, sure, headphones.

00:00:11.000 Grab them, right there.

00:00:12.000 Be a goddamn professional, sir.

00:00:14.000 Yeah, baby.

00:00:16.000 Where'd you get that?

00:00:17.000 Yeah, baby.

00:00:18.000 Well, I just noticed she answers herself.

00:00:21.000 I like how you say she.

00:00:22.000 I like that.

00:00:23.000 I'm very politically correct.

00:00:25.000 But she'll be like, yeah, so I went and I bought some Jimmy Choo's, yeah, yeah.

00:00:29.000 And I called my sister, yeah.

00:00:31.000 So she's like, I think she spends a lot of time alone, maybe, and she's answering herself.

00:00:36.000 What is going on with her voice?

00:00:37.000 Because she didn't have that voice when she was Bruce.

00:00:40.000 It's a different voice.

00:00:41.000 Is it?

00:00:41.000 I thought it was pretty similar.

00:00:43.000 It's like, what's different?

00:00:44.000 It's a little higher or something?

00:00:45.000 It's like numb.

00:00:47.000 Like her face is numb.

00:00:48.000 Oh, her face.

00:00:49.000 Yeah, baby!

00:00:52.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:00:53.000 Well, Bruce was...

00:00:55.000 I thought she was, did you see her show, I Am Kate?

00:00:59.000 No.

00:00:59.000 She had like a reality show, which bombed.

00:01:02.000 I mean, how much of a boring person do you have to be when, I mean, how interesting is like an ex-Olympic athlete turns into a woman and you're so boring, still no one wants to see that show.

00:01:16.000 Yeah, she needed a better producer.

00:01:18.000 Seems like you could put her in interesting situations.

00:01:20.000 That show could go on forever.

00:01:22.000 She was boring.

00:01:22.000 Like, I watched it.

00:01:23.000 I tried to watch it.

00:01:24.000 It was boring.

00:01:26.000 God, I feel like there's...

00:01:27.000 I just feel like they missed the formula.

00:01:29.000 Like, that is a fascinating situation.

00:01:31.000 Someone who waits until they're 60 years old and then becomes a man.

00:01:35.000 Yeah, how could that show not do well?

00:01:38.000 How could it?

00:01:38.000 I think what happened was she wasn't open about her transition.

00:01:43.000 It wasn't about that.

00:01:44.000 Oh.

00:01:45.000 She didn't really talk about what was interesting.

00:01:48.000 You know, she doesn't believe in gay marriage.

00:01:51.000 That's when I was on her side.

00:01:55.000 And I was like, yeah, she's a supporter.

00:01:57.000 Yeah, why not?

00:01:59.000 I mean, what?

00:02:00.000 How?

00:02:01.000 She said, well, I'm kind of a traditionalist.

00:02:03.000 Yeah, I'm a traditional girl, yeah.

00:02:06.000 And Ellen is a very, maybe one of the wittiest people, you know, very witty, and she went like this, well, how?

00:02:14.000 She was completely lost for words.

00:02:16.000 Yeah.

00:02:17.000 Because it makes no sense.

00:02:19.000 Well, Ellen held her feet to the fire, and their big feet.

00:02:22.000 She burned those feet.

00:02:24.000 I held my 17 Jimmy Choo to the fire, baby.

00:02:28.000 She's got to order those custom, right?

00:02:30.000 Oh, yeah.

00:02:31.000 There's no way around it.

00:02:31.000 Sure.

00:02:34.000 For her to be against any group that she knows what it feels like to be shunned or unbelievable.

00:02:43.000 It's just crazy.

00:02:44.000 She's just decided that she's a woman.

00:02:47.000 Yeah.

00:02:47.000 A Republican woman.

00:02:48.000 And she's like, ew, lesbians grow.

00:02:51.000 But she's a lesbian now.

00:02:53.000 Yeah, but now I date men, baby.

00:02:55.000 Does she?

00:02:56.000 Or she's dating a trans...

00:02:59.000 Jesus.

00:03:00.000 I'm so confused.

00:03:01.000 I'm exhausted.

00:03:02.000 What is happening?

00:03:03.000 Imagine if you were a man, okay, and then you became a woman and you dated a woman who became a man.

00:03:09.000 What in the fuck is happening?

00:03:10.000 You're like one of those yin-yangs spinning through space.

00:03:14.000 Yeah, and then you're like, gay marriage is gross.

00:03:17.000 Like, I'm gonna judge that.

00:03:21.000 They need to cut her brain open and figure out what's going on.

00:03:25.000 There's a lot of confusion and a lot of wanting to fit in and a lot of, you know...

00:03:31.000 It just doesn't make any sense.

00:03:33.000 And I really like people going through that, and I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings.

00:03:38.000 I really just think she's kind of an asshole.

00:03:41.000 Oh, this is her girlfriend.

00:03:43.000 So the girlfriend used to be a boy, too?

00:03:46.000 Yes.

00:03:47.000 Fascinating.

00:03:47.000 That is, wow.

00:03:49.000 Wait a minute.

00:03:49.000 Girlfriend used to be a boy.

00:03:51.000 That's what she used to look like?

00:03:52.000 Oh, Christ.

00:03:53.000 The world is so strange.

00:03:55.000 And then she's like, I just, she's not a great person.

00:04:02.000 I mean, she killed that lady with her car and then said nothing.

00:04:05.000 That was the weird thing.

00:04:06.000 Did you see the footage?

00:04:07.000 No.

00:04:08.000 It looks completely like her fault.

00:04:11.000 She bumped into this lady who was stopped and the lady went across traffic and died.

00:04:16.000 Yeah.

00:04:17.000 And no one talked about it.

00:04:18.000 She was like, I was, you know, putting on some of my land comb in the mirror.

00:04:21.000 Didn't share.

00:04:22.000 Is that what she said?

00:04:23.000 No.

00:04:24.000 I think she was looking at her phone.

00:04:26.000 Yeah.

00:04:26.000 I don't want to see this.

00:04:27.000 Uh-oh.

00:04:28.000 I'm going to feel bad.

00:04:29.000 Yeah.

00:04:30.000 Some poor lady died and no one gives a fuck because the story is not that.

00:04:34.000 The story is she's a woman now.

00:04:35.000 She's always been a woman.

00:04:36.000 She's always been a woman.

00:04:37.000 I mean, it was good timing for her because people like ignored that and sort of went...

00:04:43.000 Well, crazy timing.

00:04:44.000 That was Brouche!

00:04:46.000 Yeah.

00:04:47.000 That video that you did of that.

00:04:49.000 Why did you start doing these videos?

00:04:51.000 I'll tell you, I was having like midlife crisis panic, waking up at three in the morning, like moments.

00:04:58.000 I was writing for the show, this was last year, and it was a great job.

00:05:03.000 Everyone was really nice.

00:05:04.000 And something in my subconscious felt like, I don't know, like I had to get out and I quit the job.

00:05:11.000 And I was like, I'm just going to make...

00:05:14.000 Videos on Instagram.

00:05:16.000 What a great business move.

00:05:19.000 Let me lose my health insurance and make videos for free on Instagram.

00:05:23.000 Dude, you have the funniest page on Instagram.

00:05:25.000 Well, thank you.

00:05:26.000 I haven't seen them all, but all the ones I've seen, without a doubt, you have the funniest page.

00:05:30.000 Oh, thank you very, very much.

00:05:32.000 I mean, I went because of you from like 20,000 now, like 240 something.

00:05:37.000 That's awesome.

00:05:38.000 Because of you and Tom Segura and Bill Burr also like pumped it up.

00:05:43.000 It's just how good they are, man.

00:05:44.000 It's viral.

00:05:46.000 Once people watch a few of those.

00:05:48.000 Dude, the one that you did where she was describing the different utensils that she uses to get herself off with.

00:05:54.000 The Weed Whacker and all these.

00:05:56.000 Oh my God.

00:05:57.000 Dude.

00:05:58.000 Oh.

00:05:59.000 Yeah!

00:06:00.000 I'm close!

00:06:02.000 Come on, girls!

00:06:05.000 Ask my girls to help me out.

00:06:06.000 Gotta finish.

00:06:07.000 When did you start doing the face swap thing?

00:06:11.000 Are you using an Instagram filter?

00:06:15.000 Yeah, there's an app.

00:06:15.000 There's a face swap app you can download.

00:06:17.000 And there's one for the Trump.

00:06:19.000 I was doing Trump at first and I don't look anything like him.

00:06:22.000 So this was like a way to do a character and have a kind of baby.

00:06:29.000 That jumps in Stormy Daniels once.

00:06:33.000 Terrific!

00:06:34.000 Stormy!

00:06:36.000 How'd you get my number?

00:06:38.000 Okay.

00:06:40.000 The other one that made me cry was Kim Kardashian and Trump when Kim couldn't figure out how to open up the door and just buzzer it.

00:06:47.000 Wait for the buzzer!

00:06:50.000 There's the weird buzzing noise.

00:06:53.000 Yeah, that's when you push it.

00:06:57.000 Those take so long.

00:07:00.000 I don't think anyone spends as much time making videos for Instagram.

00:07:04.000 It's Kim K. I'm at the side door.

00:07:08.000 Okay, I'll push you in.

00:07:10.000 The door is closed.

00:07:12.000 Yeah, you gotta push it.

00:07:15.000 It's locked.

00:07:17.000 Yeah, wait until I buzz you.

00:07:20.000 Okay, push it.

00:07:26.000 Why didn't you open it?

00:07:27.000 There was a weird buzzing noise.

00:07:30.000 Yeah, that means open the door.

00:07:34.000 It's a lock.

00:07:36.000 You have to wait until I buzz you, Jesus Christ.

00:07:45.000 Go!

00:07:47.000 But I just got here.

00:07:49.000 No, go in the door!

00:07:51.000 But I can't go in the door.

00:07:53.000 It's a solid.

00:07:55.000 Holy shit!

00:07:56.000 No offense, but this would have been a lot funnier if I was in it.

00:07:59.000 Yeah, baby!

00:08:02.000 So that's what I do with my time.

00:08:04.000 I'm a grown man.

00:08:05.000 Yeah, you're an actual full grown man.

00:08:08.000 I'm an old grown man.

00:08:10.000 I'm a man boy.

00:08:12.000 So you really just decided to start doing these full time?

00:08:15.000 It wasn't even like a brave decision or anything.

00:08:18.000 I really couldn't sleep.

00:08:19.000 I was having panic attacks.

00:08:21.000 I think I saw my future and it was like, I'm going to be a writer and writing for people for the rest of my life.

00:08:28.000 You get addicted to the money and the insurance and all that.

00:08:31.000 It happens to so many comics.

00:08:32.000 It happens like, and I heard about it and I didn't see it coming.

00:08:35.000 And it just, I suddenly woke up last summer and I'm like, I have to stop or I'll do this forever.

00:08:41.000 There are a few friends of mine who are really, really funny comics and they can't work.

00:08:47.000 Because they spent so many years doing sitcoms as a writer, or doing sketch shows as a writer, that they don't have a following.

00:08:55.000 They don't have a following in the road, but they're world-class comedians.

00:08:59.000 Yeah.

00:08:59.000 Do you know Owen Smith?

00:09:01.000 Yeah.

00:09:01.000 He's fucking hilarious.

00:09:04.000 Nobody knows who he is.

00:09:05.000 I'm like, dude, you're one of the 20 best comics in the world.

00:09:07.000 Yeah.

00:09:07.000 And it's crazy.

00:09:08.000 It doesn't make any sense.

00:09:09.000 And super nice guy, too.

00:09:09.000 He's a great guy.

00:09:11.000 Ian Edwards, same shit.

00:09:12.000 I mean, more people know Ian now than before, but...

00:09:15.000 God.

00:09:16.000 It's a trap.

00:09:17.000 It's a fucking trap.

00:09:18.000 You've only so much creative energy.

00:09:20.000 Yeah.

00:09:20.000 And if you're giving it to someone else, you're done.

00:09:22.000 It's not just that.

00:09:23.000 You're tired all day, you're stuck in an office, and then you have to go on the road.

00:09:28.000 Like, if you want to be a comic, you have to do sets multiple times a week, and you've got to go on the road.

00:09:33.000 It's just the way it is.

00:09:34.000 There's no way around it.

00:09:35.000 Yeah.

00:09:35.000 There's no other way to do it.

00:09:36.000 If you get in your 50s, and you're not famous, you don't have a decent following, like, you're fucked.

00:09:42.000 You're screwed.

00:09:42.000 You're fucked.

00:09:43.000 Yeah, you're fucked.

00:09:44.000 Unless you're Ron White.

00:09:45.000 Like, Ron White got famous in his late 40s.

00:09:48.000 He was living in Mexico in his 40s.

00:09:51.000 Oh, really?

00:09:52.000 Like, done.

00:09:52.000 And then Jeff Foxworthy contacted him, and they started doing that blue-collar comedy tour.

00:09:58.000 Boom!

00:09:59.000 Now he's got a private jet balling out of control.

00:10:01.000 Big fat house in Beverly Hills.

00:10:03.000 Woo!

00:10:03.000 Sweet!

00:10:04.000 Woo!

00:10:05.000 Woo!

00:10:06.000 Rodney Dangerfield, too.

00:10:08.000 Yeah.

00:10:09.000 Well, he quit.

00:10:10.000 He quit doing stand-up.

00:10:12.000 Was selling aluminum siding.

00:10:14.000 Oh, that's right.

00:10:15.000 And then came back.

00:10:16.000 But the entire time he was away, he was writing.

00:10:19.000 Which is really crazy.

00:10:20.000 So he came back with a fuckload of material.

00:10:22.000 Mm-hmm.

00:10:23.000 And also came back with a sharper style.

00:10:26.000 Like came back more edited, more precise.

00:10:29.000 Yeah.

00:10:29.000 You know, and that's where it changed.

00:10:32.000 I feel like, I can't believe how old I got.

00:10:34.000 Like, you don't notice it.

00:10:36.000 If anyone's listening, they're like in their 20s.

00:10:37.000 How old are you?

00:10:38.000 I'm 40. I just turned 47. I'm 50. Yeah.

00:10:43.000 Yeah, it's real.

00:10:44.000 You're a little further along than me career-wise, so I'm not as worried about you.

00:10:49.000 You don't wake up with night terrors, do you?

00:10:51.000 But you did, huh?

00:10:52.000 Yeah, I really did.

00:10:55.000 There's certain moments, you don't think about being old, but like, you know when you put your date of birth in online to buy something?

00:11:03.000 That scroll?

00:11:05.000 Zing, zing!

00:11:06.000 I'm scrolling forever.

00:11:08.000 Your whole life going by.

00:11:10.000 You were born in 70?

00:11:12.000 71. Yeah, it's a good year for cars.

00:11:14.000 You're the pig.

00:11:15.000 Last good year for cars.

00:11:17.000 Is that true?

00:11:18.000 Yeah.

00:11:18.000 What about a Tesla?

00:11:19.000 You hate Teslas?

00:11:20.000 No, no, no, no.

00:11:20.000 I mean muscle cars.

00:11:21.000 Oh, muscle cars.

00:11:22.000 Like American muscle cars.

00:11:23.000 Yeah.

00:11:24.000 Like the 1960s to 1971. 1971 was essentially the last good year for cars.

00:11:30.000 Yeah.

00:11:30.000 We like muscle.

00:11:31.000 Me and Joe are both ripped.

00:11:35.000 Both ripped to shit.

00:11:36.000 But, you know, those classic American cars.

00:11:38.000 There was a few years where they were unbelievably cool.

00:11:41.000 And then after like 71, they fell apart.

00:11:43.000 So you just caught it at the perfect time.

00:11:47.000 I mean, that's what I'm known for, being born right at the end of muscle cars.

00:11:51.000 The 71 Barracuda.

00:11:53.000 That was probably the last.

00:11:54.000 You're a big car guy, huh?

00:11:55.000 I love cars.

00:11:57.000 I do too, but I drive a Honda Civic because that's what I can afford.

00:12:02.000 Well, I had a Honda Civic once, too.

00:12:04.000 Yeah?

00:12:04.000 Yeah.

00:12:05.000 They're great.

00:12:06.000 They start up every time you need them to.

00:12:07.000 Yeah.

00:12:08.000 I've had it for 15 years.

00:12:09.000 They're the fucking shit, those cars.

00:12:10.000 Every time you put that key in, there's no confusion.

00:12:13.000 There's no problem.

00:12:13.000 There's no worry.

00:12:14.000 Uh-uh.

00:12:14.000 No anticipation.

00:12:15.000 Come on, baby.

00:12:16.000 Come on, baby.

00:12:16.000 I treat it like crap, too.

00:12:17.000 Yeah, it doesn't matter.

00:12:18.000 Those things are bulletproof.

00:12:19.000 Yeah.

00:12:19.000 They last forever.

00:12:20.000 I love Toyotas.

00:12:22.000 I have a Lexus.

00:12:23.000 I love those things.

00:12:23.000 They never fuck up.

00:12:24.000 I'm on the waiting list for the Lexus.

00:12:27.000 Hmm.

00:12:28.000 No, I'm sorry.

00:12:29.000 Tesla.

00:12:29.000 Oh, which one?

00:12:30.000 The three?

00:12:30.000 The new, the cheaper one.

00:12:32.000 The three, yeah.

00:12:33.000 Three.

00:12:34.000 Yeah.

00:12:34.000 But it's still, like, suspiciously expensive.

00:12:37.000 Do you see what's going on with Tesla and the former employee?

00:12:41.000 Some employee was sabotaging code and leaking information, and now the employee is saying...

00:12:50.000 That, you know, trying to say something about Elon Musk, there was waste that he was a whistleblower.

00:12:58.000 He's not saying he's a sabotage, he's a whistleblower.

00:13:00.000 But they were saying he's a disgruntled employee because he owed money.

00:13:03.000 It's become this gigantic thing, and Elon Musk is suing this guy.

00:13:06.000 Stealing code and then selling it?

00:13:09.000 I don't know.

00:13:09.000 I don't know the exact specifics of it.

00:13:12.000 But he did something.

00:13:15.000 He did something bad.

00:13:16.000 I don't know.

00:13:17.000 We hate that guy.

00:13:20.000 We don't like them.

00:13:22.000 Well, that car is like, it's like, it's $35,000.

00:13:24.000 But if you want tires, it's $45,000.

00:13:27.000 Oh, is it one of those deals?

00:13:28.000 You can get it up to $75,000, right?

00:13:30.000 Yeah, if you want.

00:13:32.000 Tesla, you know.

00:13:35.000 I just need, I need money.

00:13:36.000 I'm thinking of starting a fund so I can get a Tesla.

00:13:39.000 You know, people have like charity, like GoFundMe's.

00:13:41.000 You should have a Patreon, where you just commit to doing one of those videos every X amount of days.

00:13:46.000 I'm hearing about that.

00:13:47.000 I gotta get into the business side of things, but...

00:13:50.000 Well, that's the problem, is creative people rarely are business-minded.

00:13:53.000 I'm spending like $400 a month on just phone calls I'm not making to like AT&T and stuff.

00:14:01.000 I need to, like, get my business side in order.

00:14:05.000 What do you mean?

00:14:05.000 You know, like, you keep...

00:14:07.000 You get a subscription to something you don't use anymore, and then you can't figure out how to cancel it.

00:14:11.000 Like, oh, that's happening in my life.

00:14:13.000 Oh.

00:14:13.000 Yeah.

00:14:14.000 That's what they want.

00:14:16.000 Yeah.

00:14:16.000 They're good at that.

00:14:17.000 They want to make it difficult for you to quit.

00:14:19.000 Yeah, like, they'll go, hey, have these vitamins.

00:14:21.000 You have one month free.

00:14:22.000 And then before you get the vitamins, you have to cancel in order to stop the next month from being charged.

00:14:28.000 You see what I'm saying?

00:14:29.000 Oh.

00:14:29.000 Yeah.

00:14:30.000 Yeah.

00:14:30.000 I'm up on my petard right now.

00:14:32.000 Let's move on.

00:14:32.000 Sorry.

00:14:33.000 No, it's okay.

00:14:34.000 I get it.

00:14:35.000 Yeah, so when you do these videos How many how many hours you think are involved in like like the Kanye one the one the most recent which is fucking hilarious.

00:14:46.000 Thank you.

00:14:47.000 I I've gotten quicker at them, but it still takes an inordinate amount of time Probably because there's like I get the idea and like I'll write something quick and then like I'll sleep on it and then like I'll work out more try to edit it down because you want to make it like Pretty tight.

00:15:04.000 Online people don't want a minute of fluff or anything.

00:15:07.000 No, you gotta go quick.

00:15:09.000 Yeah, and the actual process of getting them to talk, I'll take the person who talks the most, like if it's Caitlin, and I'll film that, and I'll have the whole script written out.

00:15:18.000 So as I film it, in my mouth, I'll talk the other words, so the timing is kind of close enough.

00:15:24.000 And then I'll send that video to myself, to my...

00:15:27.000 I'll airdrop it to my laptop and turn it really low.

00:15:29.000 And then I'll do the next character and have that playing so I can have that synced up right.

00:15:35.000 And I pair those and do the next person like that.

00:15:38.000 Whoa.

00:15:39.000 Got a lot of time on my hands.

00:15:40.000 Yeah.

00:15:41.000 But I'm only 47, so...

00:15:44.000 So what was the thought process when you quit?

00:15:46.000 You just couldn't do it?

00:15:47.000 You had to get out?

00:15:49.000 Yeah.

00:15:49.000 I just...

00:15:51.000 Something was like panicking.

00:15:54.000 It just was, I think, seeing my life and going, I want to at least try to be a performer is what I wanted to do.

00:16:01.000 I can't even read very well.

00:16:03.000 Being a writer to me is...

00:16:06.000 It's not as fun.

00:16:07.000 I mean, if I didn't have the experience before, I don't think I'd feel this way.

00:16:13.000 It's just, I got a taste.

00:16:14.000 I had some stuff that I did that I really enjoyed.

00:16:19.000 I think I just saw the The trappings of it.

00:16:24.000 Well, some people are really good writers, and that's what they want to do.

00:16:27.000 That's all they want to do.

00:16:29.000 They don't want to perform.

00:16:30.000 But the problem with being a good performer is sometimes you can help other people out.

00:16:33.000 Like, hey, maybe if you just tighten this up here, and maybe if you just explain this a little better, it would work better.

00:16:39.000 And you start writing.

00:16:41.000 The next thing you're like, hey, would you work on my show?

00:16:43.000 Sure.

00:16:44.000 And you're there in the office, and you've got a cork board, and you're putting index cards up, and you're like, oh my god.

00:16:51.000 And then you get that check every week, and you're like, that's a nice check.

00:16:54.000 And I'm really thankful for those jobs, and they were really great.

00:16:59.000 I have a house and stuff.

00:17:02.000 Yeah, this is like last power drive, I think.

00:17:05.000 Really?

00:17:06.000 Really?

00:17:06.000 Fuck it.

00:17:07.000 If this doesn't work out with Instagram, I mean, just this, though, I'm really excited because now I can do little theaters.

00:17:14.000 The draw directly from Instagram has enabled me to get out of clubs and stuff.

00:17:21.000 So it worked.

00:17:22.000 And I feel the audience.

00:17:24.000 I just did shows in San Francisco.

00:17:26.000 It's such a difference when the audience knows what you do and who you are.

00:17:29.000 Yeah.

00:17:30.000 Instead of having to take them through this.

00:17:33.000 Well, you might be one of the only guys that's done it that way, though, through characters in little short one-minute videos.

00:17:41.000 Yeah, because I started off with that, but then there was no money in sketch, really.

00:17:47.000 And so I got into stand-up because I needed to make money.

00:17:50.000 And so I never felt stand-up was what I did the best.

00:17:54.000 But now I feel like I'm getting a little better at stand-up, and I'm actually enjoying it more now.

00:17:58.000 But the characters and impressions is...

00:18:00.000 When you do shows, do you ever play videos?

00:18:03.000 Do you play videos?

00:18:04.000 I did a show.

00:18:05.000 I have a show at Largo that I do every couple months, and I did show videos.

00:18:09.000 It was the owner's idea.

00:18:12.000 And that was, you know, really fun.

00:18:14.000 It's a great idea.

00:18:16.000 Yeah.

00:18:16.000 Especially if you make...

00:18:19.000 Some videos specific to the show?

00:18:21.000 That's exactly...

00:18:22.000 I didn't do that, but watching it, I was like, that's what I should do.

00:18:25.000 Like, have Trump be like, next up!

00:18:27.000 This guy's terrific.

00:18:28.000 Believe me, or whatever it is.

00:18:30.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:18:30.000 Have him host.

00:18:31.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:18:33.000 And then, you know, have Caitlyn Jenner's take on different things.

00:18:38.000 Yeah, baby.

00:18:39.000 And just, you know, Caitlyn's tips.

00:18:41.000 Caitlyn's tips.

00:18:43.000 I did a thing where I brought her out in between.

00:18:49.000 She's working on her one-person show, was just the idea I had.

00:18:53.000 So I had that greatest love.

00:18:55.000 I had the audience surfed.

00:18:56.000 It was really fun.

00:19:01.000 Yeah, I mean, you could do easily some sort of a multimedia presentation type thing.

00:19:07.000 Yeah.

00:19:08.000 It seems like it would be a really great idea.

00:19:10.000 Yeah, I'm trying to put together something to do some kind of special.

00:19:15.000 Yeah!

00:19:16.000 Oh, fuck yeah!

00:19:17.000 Yeah, just sandwich bits in between.

00:19:21.000 Do some stand-up and go...

00:19:24.000 I wonder...

00:19:26.000 I wonder what Stormy Daniels would do, or, you know, just, you could, anything, I mean, any weird way that you decide to transition.

00:19:35.000 Where'd you get the Stormy Daniels voice?

00:19:37.000 Does it sound anything like her?

00:19:38.000 I have no idea how she talks.

00:19:40.000 I just thought she was like this.

00:19:41.000 Oh, can't wait to get your cock in my mouth again.

00:19:47.000 When she's calling Trump up.

00:19:48.000 She actually sounds nothing like that.

00:19:50.000 I'm sure.

00:19:51.000 But it doesn't matter.

00:19:52.000 But she seems like she talks like this.

00:19:54.000 I'm stormy.

00:19:56.000 Oh my god.

00:19:58.000 There was one that you did that looked like your face.

00:20:03.000 Jared Kushner.

00:20:04.000 Was that it?

00:20:04.000 He's a little bit like me.

00:20:06.000 He's like...

00:20:07.000 But all of them are face-swapped.

00:20:09.000 None of them are you.

00:20:11.000 I do a character, Craig, that's like...

00:20:14.000 Oh, that guy with the glasses?

00:20:15.000 Like, ma'am!

00:20:17.000 Chicken mat.

00:20:21.000 That's my real mom.

00:20:22.000 Really?

00:20:23.000 Yeah.

00:20:24.000 Oh, that's hilarious.

00:20:25.000 She's a good actress.

00:20:25.000 The first take, she didn't know what I was doing, and that was real and honest, but after that, she knew she was acting.

00:20:34.000 She's really good.

00:20:35.000 It seems very good.

00:20:36.000 Oh, yeah.

00:20:36.000 It seems like you're annoying the shit out of your mom.

00:20:38.000 Yeah.

00:20:38.000 It's very funny.

00:20:40.000 Yeah.

00:20:40.000 So, when you decided to do this, there's no...

00:20:43.000 I mean, unless you're a hot chick selling whatever.

00:20:47.000 What do they sell?

00:20:48.000 Sunglasses or some shit?

00:20:49.000 Makeup.

00:20:50.000 Skinny tea?

00:20:51.000 Detox tea?

00:20:52.000 Skinny tea.

00:20:52.000 Yeah, unless you're...

00:20:53.000 I've never made a fucking penny off of Instagram.

00:20:56.000 Neither have I. You haven't either?

00:20:58.000 Well, I've actually just...

00:20:59.000 Ticket sales I have, I guess.

00:21:01.000 Right, right, right, yeah.

00:21:02.000 But yeah, I haven't monetized or...

00:21:04.000 I haven't been thinking about that.

00:21:05.000 I just kind of...

00:21:06.000 I feel good if people like it.

00:21:09.000 It just makes me feel like I have some purpose or something.

00:21:11.000 Yeah.

00:21:12.000 I feel like I've done something.

00:21:14.000 And building...

00:21:16.000 If I could build an audience and come to my shows, I'll be really happy about that.

00:21:20.000 So you were doing mostly clubs before and now you're moving into theaters?

00:21:25.000 Is that what's going on?

00:21:25.000 Yeah.

00:21:25.000 And this is all over the last few months?

00:21:28.000 100% from Instagram.

00:21:29.000 That's incredible.

00:21:30.000 It is.

00:21:30.000 So it worked.

00:21:31.000 You're a success story.

00:21:32.000 Well, I mean...

00:21:34.000 It's working.

00:21:35.000 It's working.

00:21:36.000 Yeah.

00:21:37.000 That's fucking great.

00:21:38.000 It's really exciting, and thank you again.

00:21:40.000 My pleasure, dude.

00:21:40.000 You're my personal Santa Claus.

00:21:42.000 Dude, my fucking whole family's so sick of watching your videos.

00:21:45.000 My wife got angry the other day.

00:21:47.000 She was in the toilet, and I was like, just watch.

00:21:49.000 I opened the door, I go, just watch this.

00:21:50.000 Watch this one.

00:21:52.000 Watch this one, because it was the Kanye West one.

00:21:54.000 I was crying.

00:21:54.000 She's like, what the fuck are you laughing at?

00:21:56.000 And I was like, watch this.

00:21:57.000 Just watch this.

00:21:58.000 Yeah, Kanye West, my worst impression.

00:22:01.000 Dude, it was great.

00:22:02.000 Shut the fuck up.

00:22:03.000 It was amazing.

00:22:05.000 When Caitlin's like, shut the fuck up, Kim.

00:22:08.000 He's a genius.

00:22:09.000 Shut the fuck up, Kim.

00:22:10.000 It's a genius at work.

00:22:11.000 Yeah, Kim.

00:22:13.000 Oh, the other one.

00:22:15.000 The other one about the baby dying in her womb.

00:22:18.000 Oh, yeah.

00:22:19.000 She's preggers.

00:22:20.000 Yeah.

00:22:20.000 I'm pregnant, too.

00:22:22.000 Babies can breathe in their womb.

00:22:23.000 Yeah, I shoved him up my new vag.

00:22:25.000 Dad, do you have a womb?

00:22:27.000 Oh, shit!

00:22:29.000 Let me go crap this out.

00:22:30.000 It's probably dead.

00:22:32.000 But then they go immediately to the lipstick.

00:22:38.000 It's just so perfect.

00:22:40.000 Because, like...

00:22:41.000 Instagram, it's almost like you have optimized Instagram better than anybody.

00:22:47.000 You really have nailed it.

00:22:48.000 You've nailed it for comedy.

00:22:49.000 Because everybody else, like mine included, if you go to my Instagram, you have to fucking dig to find out I'm a comedian.

00:22:55.000 And you gotta go looking around.

00:22:57.000 You can find anything there.

00:22:59.000 All kinds of stuff.

00:23:00.000 I just take a picture.

00:23:02.000 I find a picture.

00:23:02.000 I think it's cool.

00:23:03.000 I put it up there.

00:23:04.000 There's no rhyme or reason.

00:23:05.000 Yours is like a show.

00:23:06.000 Like your Instagram page, KyleDunigan1.com.

00:23:09.000 You gotta go to Kyle Dunnigan 1. There was a Kyle Dunnigan.

00:23:14.000 He's gotten all my Gmail accounts.

00:23:16.000 He grabbed everything.

00:23:17.000 Son of a bitch.

00:23:18.000 And I asked my nephew, I'm like, what should I do?

00:23:19.000 Because over Christmas, I'm like, I'm just going to do Instagram videos and see what happens.

00:23:23.000 And I was like, what should I do different?

00:23:24.000 And he's like, you should take the one out.

00:23:26.000 That's stupid.

00:23:28.000 Yeah, the one's stupid.

00:23:28.000 The kids' ones are...

00:23:30.000 Yeah, it's stupid.

00:23:31.000 Why'd you go with one?

00:23:31.000 You can't change it now, though.

00:23:32.000 How about the real Kyle Dunnigan?

00:23:34.000 That's the thing.

00:23:35.000 Marketing is not my thing.

00:23:37.000 I am Kyle Dunnigan.

00:23:39.000 That's another one.

00:23:40.000 That's another one.

00:23:40.000 People do that.

00:23:41.000 Kyle Dunnigan comedy would have been fine.

00:23:43.000 That's a good one.

00:23:43.000 That's a lot of words.

00:23:44.000 A lot of letters.

00:23:45.000 Yeah.

00:23:46.000 I think Instagram is in my wheelhouse.

00:23:49.000 I like to edit.

00:23:50.000 I like to do quick...

00:23:51.000 You know, stuff.

00:23:52.000 No, it's perfect.

00:23:53.000 But your channel, your page, is like a channel.

00:23:57.000 Unlike most people's Instagram pages.

00:23:59.000 Yeah, I treat it like a show.

00:24:01.000 Yeah, it is like a show.

00:24:02.000 It's almost like you should have a regular Instagram.

00:24:04.000 Nah, you shouldn't even.

00:24:05.000 You just keep doing what you're doing.

00:24:08.000 You don't have as long-form videos now for Instagram TV. You can go up to an hour.

00:24:12.000 Oh yeah, that's right, but I think what he's doing is perfect.

00:24:15.000 Instagram TV. Yeah, it's a new thing.

00:24:17.000 It just came out.

00:24:18.000 Oh boy.

00:24:19.000 Oh boy.

00:24:19.000 I just got a panic attack.

00:24:21.000 Thinking about doing Caitlin for an hour.

00:24:26.000 45 more minutes, everybody!

00:24:30.000 Oh shit!

00:24:33.000 I just spilled coffee all over the studio.

00:24:36.000 It's okay, you're not the first.

00:24:38.000 I do it all the time.

00:24:40.000 No laptops are anywhere near.

00:24:42.000 I killed a bunch of laptops, man.

00:24:45.000 That's another thing about Mac that pisses me off.

00:24:48.000 Guess what?

00:24:49.000 Lenovo, you spill on it, nothing happens.

00:24:52.000 Nothing.

00:24:53.000 They make them waterproof.

00:24:55.000 They make them dust resistant.

00:24:57.000 They make them mil-spec.

00:24:58.000 You can spill on them.

00:25:00.000 You can throw a glass of water on the keyboard.

00:25:02.000 Not a goddamn thing happens.

00:25:04.000 You put one on Apple, they just tell you, nope, you're gonna need a new one.

00:25:07.000 Need a new one.

00:25:08.000 Don't blow on it.

00:25:09.000 We need a lot more napkins.

00:25:11.000 It's okay.

00:25:12.000 If you sneeze on it, it'll blow out.

00:25:16.000 Sons of bitches.

00:25:17.000 Wanna go grab some napkins?

00:25:18.000 Hey, grab a couple of those Kill Cliffs, those lime ones.

00:25:23.000 I'm very uncoordinated.

00:25:25.000 Dude, you're not.

00:25:26.000 I do this all the time.

00:25:28.000 I'm pretty coordinated, and I fucking spill coffee in here all the time.

00:25:31.000 You know, your microphones are in front of you, you start moving your hands.

00:25:35.000 Yeah.

00:25:35.000 I'm Italian, so I put my hands a lot when I talk.

00:25:38.000 I got a lot of fucking this.

00:25:40.000 I'm doing a lot of moving with my hands.

00:25:42.000 What is your background?

00:25:43.000 Mostly Italian, one quarter Irish.

00:25:45.000 I'm the same thing.

00:25:46.000 Shut the What the fuck up, bro?

00:25:47.000 Irish and Italian people are cool.

00:25:49.000 That's crazy, man.

00:25:49.000 Did you do 23andMe?

00:25:50.000 I did that.

00:25:51.000 No, but I'm doing it right now, and I'm doing a bit about it because I'm secretly hoping that someone in my past had sex with a black person.

00:25:57.000 I have 2.7 African.

00:26:00.000 Percent?

00:26:01.000 Really?

00:26:01.000 Nice.

00:26:02.000 But I think it's Northern African.

00:26:04.000 I'll take it.

00:26:06.000 I'll take it, and I'm going to run with it.

00:26:07.000 It'll open up a whole new realm of material.

00:26:11.000 Yeah, right.

00:26:12.000 Just bring your 23andMe.

00:26:14.000 I'm tired of white people.

00:26:16.000 I'm gonna start shitting on white people.

00:26:18.000 It's so hard to be a white guy.

00:26:20.000 That's the hardest thing to be as a white man.

00:26:23.000 You have no one to blame, you know?

00:26:26.000 That's true.

00:26:26.000 It's your fault.

00:26:27.000 But it's also the easiest thing to be.

00:26:29.000 Of course.

00:26:30.000 I'm just kidding.

00:26:30.000 It's both.

00:26:31.000 No, I know.

00:26:31.000 You're kidding.

00:26:31.000 You don't have to say you're kidding.

00:26:32.000 You're a fucking comedian.

00:26:33.000 How dare you?

00:26:35.000 You're still cleaning.

00:26:36.000 You don't have to clean anymore, man.

00:26:37.000 I'm still cleaning.

00:26:37.000 Listen, the thing is, the more coffee that's on this table, the better it looks.

00:26:41.000 It's gonna smell good.

00:26:42.000 Yeah.

00:26:42.000 This thing's weathered.

00:26:44.000 This is a weathered table.

00:26:46.000 Here, give me that.

00:26:46.000 I'll chuck that in the garbage.

00:26:48.000 All right.

00:26:48.000 Thanks.

00:26:50.000 This coffee has character.

00:26:52.000 Or this table, rather.

00:26:53.000 Character.

00:26:53.000 High maintenance.

00:26:54.000 No.

00:26:55.000 You're fine, dude.

00:26:56.000 So...

00:26:58.000 You've got to have some measure of satisfaction that this moment that you had...

00:27:02.000 See, I love stories like that.

00:27:05.000 Because you have this moment where you're like, I gotta do something.

00:27:09.000 I can't do this anymore.

00:27:10.000 And then you did, and it worked.

00:27:13.000 Yeah.

00:27:14.000 I'm sleeping a lot better.

00:27:19.000 I've been in this business for a long time, and there's been so many.

00:27:24.000 I could talk for nine hours about the disappointments, but I still feel lucky that I was able to make a living or whatever, but there's some luck involved.

00:27:36.000 I mean, I was lucky you came across it.

00:27:39.000 I mean, I've had so many...

00:27:41.000 I wish I knew who told me about you.

00:27:43.000 I wish I could remember.

00:27:45.000 It might have been Tom.

00:27:46.000 Tom...

00:27:47.000 Yeah, Tom probably was Tom.

00:27:49.000 He was pretty...

00:27:50.000 It was a comic.

00:27:52.000 Pretty sure it was a comic.

00:27:53.000 It might have been Tom.

00:27:54.000 He was the first one to repost one of mine, I think.

00:27:56.000 Maybe that's what it was.

00:27:58.000 I did this show.

00:27:59.000 Oh, I won't go into it.

00:28:01.000 What?

00:28:02.000 I have so many disaster stories where I thought I was like, get ready for the rocket ship, Kyle.

00:28:07.000 You better go mansion shopping because things are about to take off.

00:28:11.000 And just always something.

00:28:14.000 I did this Jamie Foxx sketch show pilot.

00:28:19.000 To get a part on a network show, it's a lot of auditions.

00:28:25.000 You climb a mountain to get the role.

00:28:29.000 And I was feeling like this is my last shot and everything.

00:28:32.000 And I got there and we couldn't...

00:28:33.000 We weren't allowed to write for ourselves.

00:28:36.000 What?

00:28:36.000 It was a WGA rules or something.

00:28:38.000 And you have a character.

00:28:39.000 No one else can really write for it.

00:28:41.000 And the people that were writing...

00:28:44.000 Two of them just got out of prison and they were not comedy writers.

00:28:48.000 Like Jamie Foxx, he has a huge career.

00:28:50.000 He didn't really...

00:28:50.000 I think he just was like, let me give my friends this, because I got all this other stuff going on.

00:28:54.000 He just didn't give a fuck.

00:28:55.000 He didn't need it.

00:28:56.000 No, he would show up like once a week.

00:28:58.000 No.

00:28:58.000 Yeah.

00:28:59.000 Really?

00:29:00.000 Yeah, he's busy.

00:29:01.000 And he'd come in with glasses...

00:29:04.000 We'd go and we'd read the script and there'd be no ending or seemingly point.

00:29:08.000 And then I remember one time he threw the script in the air and he was like, fuck the script!

00:29:12.000 Do you!

00:29:12.000 You do you!

00:29:13.000 You know, when he walked out and the executives were like, no, you can't do the script.

00:29:17.000 It was like that.

00:29:18.000 It was like you climb this mountain and there's an Arby's at the top.

00:29:21.000 Just like...

00:29:21.000 Oh, no!

00:29:24.000 These writers called me into their office once and they were like, yeah, we had this idea for these guys who never wrote a sketch before.

00:29:32.000 And they were like, this idea that you're Jimmy Bond.

00:29:34.000 You know James Bond?

00:29:35.000 You're Jimmy Bond, all right?

00:29:37.000 And you're in an airplane, right?

00:29:39.000 And like, take it, take it.

00:29:41.000 And the next guy would be like, yeah, and you order like a soda, like a Coca-Cola, or a Sprite, or like a Mountain Dew, or a Diet Coke.

00:29:50.000 And I'm like, uh-huh.

00:29:51.000 And then that was it.

00:29:53.000 And then I just was sitting there in dead silence like...

00:29:57.000 What?

00:29:58.000 And then we had, like, this show, which came out very mediocre.

00:30:01.000 What was this sketch show?

00:30:03.000 When was this sketch show?

00:30:04.000 What was it called?

00:30:05.000 It was called Into Flow.

00:30:06.000 It got changed to, like, something else.

00:30:08.000 And it just became, like, it was Afyon Crockett's show.

00:30:11.000 I was, like, a cast member or whatever.

00:30:14.000 And then at the end, you know, Fox pays all this, millions of dollars, and Afian's going, all Fox cares about is their wallets, but we showed them, not realizing we had to wait for a pickup, and I'm just standing on stage thinking this is my last shot to have anything, because I was already like 40,

00:30:31.000 and I just was like...

00:30:33.000 Then we go to the wrap party, and the whole thing was just...

00:30:37.000 Oh, what happened at the wrap party?

00:30:40.000 Me and Eric Andre is on, too.

00:30:43.000 Oh, okay.

00:30:43.000 And so we just were like, what's happening?

00:30:46.000 And we go late to the wrap party, and we walk into this nice restaurant, and Jamie Foxx is standing up, and there's a whole big table, and he's going down, what's your favorite animal?

00:30:56.000 What's your favorite animal?

00:30:57.000 Everyone's like, goose.

00:30:58.000 I mean a rabbit!

00:30:59.000 Like, everyone's just, like, scared.

00:31:01.000 And then he goes, what's your second favorite animal?

00:31:04.000 What's your second favorite animal?

00:31:05.000 Oh my god.

00:31:06.000 And everyone's just terrified.

00:31:06.000 What the fuck?

00:31:08.000 Yeah.

00:31:09.000 And then he goes, the first animal's who you think you are.

00:31:13.000 The second animal's who you really are.

00:31:16.000 I told Tom Cruise that, and he said it was awesome.

00:31:20.000 Anyway, it's Instagram.

00:31:25.000 Yeah, I'm gonna write a book one day just called Humiliated.

00:31:29.000 About all my stories.

00:31:32.000 A long career of ground balls.

00:31:35.000 I've had so many, like, where I really was going shopping for houses that had to stop.

00:31:40.000 Really?

00:31:40.000 Like, several, like, I had this Pizza Hut campaign, which was like, get ready to, like, open up several bank accounts.

00:31:47.000 And it was like, the big New Yorker pizza!

00:31:50.000 You know, there's an explosion of flavors.

00:31:53.000 As we're shooting, this is a campaign of videos.

00:31:56.000 9-11 happened.

00:31:59.000 As we're shooting.

00:32:00.000 The explosion of flavors.

00:32:01.000 And it was just the wrong vibe to be like, hey, New York, a big explosion of flavors!

00:32:06.000 And this whole thing.

00:32:07.000 And so they canceled the whole thing.

00:32:09.000 They played like, I don't know, for like a month they played a few and then they like dropped it.

00:32:13.000 But it was like...

00:32:15.000 You know, I shot four.

00:32:17.000 I got paid pretty well, but we were going to do six more.

00:32:20.000 It was going to be like one of those flow from Progressive.

00:32:23.000 You were going to be the Jared of Subway.

00:32:26.000 Yeah.

00:32:26.000 For Pizza Hut.

00:32:27.000 Yeah.

00:32:27.000 You were going to be the Verizon Can You Hear Me Now guy.

00:32:30.000 That's what I was waiting for.

00:32:32.000 I don't trust that guy anymore.

00:32:34.000 No, I don't.

00:32:34.000 He switched over.

00:32:35.000 He isn't.

00:32:35.000 Where's he at now?

00:32:37.000 Sprint.

00:32:37.000 That's not cool.

00:32:38.000 Yeah, I don't hear you as well.

00:32:41.000 My mother walked into a pizza hut once while this campaign was happening, and she just pointed at me.

00:32:47.000 She goes, my son's pizza hut.

00:32:56.000 And I had to tell him I'm actually not Pizza Hut.

00:33:00.000 Anyway, so...

00:33:02.000 I feel lucky, but...

00:33:05.000 But you found the thing.

00:33:07.000 Like, look, dude, your fucking videos make me howl.

00:33:11.000 They're really, really funny.

00:33:13.000 Like, that's...

00:33:14.000 You...

00:33:14.000 For whatever it is, the way your mind works...

00:33:17.000 It works best for these face swap videos, which is fucked up, man, because it didn't exist until, like, when?

00:33:25.000 Was it like two years?

00:33:26.000 How long ago?

00:33:27.000 How many years ago?

00:33:27.000 Three years ago?

00:33:28.000 I remember the first person I ever saw use it was Chris D'Elia.

00:33:32.000 D'Elia was, he did some video where he was Rick from The Walking Dead, and he put it on his Instagram page.

00:33:38.000 I was like, wow.

00:33:39.000 I'm like, obviously, I can tell something's going on, but that's amazing how close that is.

00:33:44.000 Yeah, I was excited right away because I knew the impressions that I do, I don't look like most of them.

00:33:50.000 Dude, your trump is fucking phenomenal.

00:33:52.000 And when you do it with that wacky face, the one face that you picked for the face swap is so perfect because it looks like he's out of control.

00:33:59.000 It looks like he's like, oh, Jesus.

00:34:02.000 What's happening here?

00:34:04.000 Fucking amazing, man!

00:34:06.000 When are four years up?

00:34:07.000 It's amazing.

00:34:08.000 Did you see what's going on today?

00:34:10.000 Tom Arnold, who hates Trump, has a new show on Vice where he's just running around trying to find incriminating video and audio on Trump.

00:34:19.000 The whole show is him on a quest to find incriminating and humiliating video and audio on Trump.

00:34:26.000 And he was with Michael Cohen today.

00:34:29.000 What?

00:34:30.000 Yes.

00:34:30.000 How could he...

00:34:31.000 Michael Cohen is apparently going to work with Tom Arnold on this show.

00:34:36.000 Is the FBI okay with that?

00:34:38.000 I have no idea.

00:34:39.000 They were together in this photo.

00:34:41.000 I mean, Tom Arnold could be just bullshitting.

00:34:43.000 Yeah.

00:34:44.000 Well, I'm Tevo-ing that.

00:34:45.000 That's coming out?

00:34:46.000 Tevo-ing.

00:34:47.000 You're still Tevo-ing.

00:34:48.000 Who Tevo's anymore?

00:34:49.000 Why don't you just get out the VCR? Do you know how to work the clock?

00:34:53.000 I know.

00:34:53.000 I had things come out of my mouth where it shows my age.

00:34:55.000 What is this, Jamie?

00:34:56.000 This is a video on his Twitter.

00:34:58.000 This is the Miss Universe tape.

00:35:01.000 There's another tape?

00:35:07.000 The N-word tape?

00:35:21.000 The hunt for the Trump tapes with Tom Arnold...

00:35:27.000 I mean, no one's going to care, no matter what he...

00:35:30.000 It's not going to have an effect, probably.

00:35:32.000 Yeah, listen.

00:35:33.000 Fuck John Gotti.

00:35:34.000 Trump is a Teflon gun.

00:35:36.000 You see that movie they're saying they scammed Rotten Tomatoes with that movie?

00:35:40.000 It's supposed to be the greatest bad movie of all time.

00:35:43.000 Well, it got a zero from critics, and an 80 from the audience, and, like, 90% was from, like, their company or something.

00:35:51.000 Yeah.

00:35:51.000 Look at that.

00:35:52.000 This is his correction on the microphone.

00:35:53.000 When was that taken?

00:35:54.000 Oh, is it a correction?

00:35:55.000 Some sort of correction.

00:35:56.000 He didn't say me and him were teaming up to take down Donald Trump.

00:36:01.000 Michael has enough Trump on his plate.

00:36:03.000 I'm the crazy person who said me and Michael Cohen were teaming up to take down Trump, of course.

00:36:09.000 I meant it.

00:36:10.000 Michael doesn't get paid by vice.

00:36:13.000 Okay.

00:36:14.000 Thank you, Tom, for correcting the record.

00:36:19.000 Thanks, Tom.

00:36:20.000 Thanks for clearing that up, Tom.

00:36:22.000 If I was Tom Arnold, I'd be nervous as fuck.

00:36:26.000 Why?

00:36:27.000 I don't want to get killed.

00:36:28.000 Oh.

00:36:30.000 No.

00:36:31.000 Impossible?

00:36:32.000 Impossible.

00:36:33.000 You think?

00:36:33.000 You can't kill Tom Arnold.

00:36:34.000 What if Putin did it for a favor?

00:36:37.000 Putin might be able to do it.

00:36:38.000 What if he just decides, I don't like what you're doing with Trump.

00:36:42.000 I don't like what you've done.

00:36:45.000 This is not a good Russian accent.

00:36:47.000 Would you consider doing a Putin on your page?

00:36:51.000 Ooh, I will.

00:36:52.000 Yes, that's a good idea.

00:36:54.000 It's a great idea.

00:36:55.000 What is the Russian accent?

00:36:58.000 Is this good?

00:36:59.000 It's not bad.

00:37:00.000 Just listen to him talk a few times and you'd get it.

00:37:03.000 I'm Putin.

00:37:05.000 Is this good?

00:37:06.000 And then have a bunch of, like, really harsh Russian prostitutes with, like, water flying all over the place, like, squirting.

00:37:14.000 Oh, yeah!

00:37:15.000 Piss all over me, you whore!

00:37:18.000 All right, see you next week!

00:37:19.000 Yeah, I mean, that's not a bad idea for a sketch.

00:37:23.000 Is there a pee tape or is that a...

00:37:25.000 Is that a rumor?

00:37:26.000 Do we not know?

00:37:28.000 I don't know.

00:37:29.000 I don't think it's supposed to be real.

00:37:30.000 I think it's supposed to be fake.

00:37:31.000 It sounds fake.

00:37:33.000 It sounds like something someone would just make up.

00:37:35.000 Like not even well planned out.

00:37:38.000 What percentage of people like to be peed on?

00:37:41.000 It's got to be below 1%.

00:37:42.000 That's still a lot.

00:37:44.000 There's 300 million people.

00:37:46.000 That means 3 million people like to get peed on.

00:37:49.000 That's just in this country alone.

00:37:52.000 That's a lot of pee.

00:37:53.000 It's such a clean-up.

00:37:54.000 You know what I mean?

00:37:54.000 I don't even think it's 1%.

00:37:56.000 But even if it's one-tenth of 1%, it's 300,000 people.

00:37:59.000 I love a chocolate sundae, but if you smeared it all over the place and after I had to clean it up, I'd probably be like...

00:38:06.000 Yeah, I'm not into that.

00:38:07.000 What are you into?

00:38:09.000 What's the freakiest thing you're into?

00:38:11.000 I'm surprisingly tame.

00:38:13.000 I'm not into anything freaky.

00:38:15.000 I've never even done, like, whipped cream or anything.

00:38:18.000 What about when a girl asks you to, like, choke her a little?

00:38:21.000 How do you feel about that?

00:38:24.000 Um...

00:38:25.000 That's a scary request.

00:38:26.000 I'm not into that.

00:38:28.000 I'm not...

00:38:28.000 I had a girl that I used to date who wanted me to rape her.

00:38:32.000 She told me to rape her.

00:38:34.000 That's...

00:38:34.000 That's tough.

00:38:36.000 And the problem was she was fucking hot.

00:38:39.000 And I was like, I do not want to get interested in doing this.

00:38:43.000 Like...

00:38:43.000 The worst thing would be...

00:38:45.000 You really liked it.

00:38:46.000 Yeah, because I was in my 20s.

00:38:47.000 What if I just had a connection?

00:38:50.000 I got into only girls that want you to force them to do shit.

00:38:54.000 That's very true.

00:38:56.000 When you were young and you're forming your sexuality, whatever you first got your...

00:39:01.000 When I first danced with a girl and I noticed her hips were wide, I got a boner.

00:39:08.000 It was in eighth grade.

00:39:09.000 Because it was like, she's different.

00:39:12.000 And for...

00:39:14.000 Years!

00:39:14.000 In my early 30s, I could not dance with a girl without getting hard on.

00:39:19.000 I was at a wedding once, and I asked this girl to dance.

00:39:23.000 I never do this, but she was alone and she was hot.

00:39:26.000 And I get on the dance floor, and my mother's there, and I got a boner.

00:39:30.000 And I don't know this girl at all.

00:39:32.000 And I had to tell her, because you know...

00:39:35.000 You know, like, your wedding pants are not keeping things at bay.

00:39:39.000 No, no.

00:39:40.000 And so, full-pitched, and I... She probably already knew, so I was like, I'm sorry, can you help me off the floor?

00:39:47.000 And I had to...

00:39:48.000 How humiliating is this?

00:39:49.000 I had to ask this girl to, like, shimmer me off the floor away from my mother.

00:39:53.000 Did she think it was funny?

00:39:54.000 Yeah.

00:39:54.000 Yeah, she had a good, luckily, good sense of humor about it, but it was humiliating.

00:39:59.000 Well, I shouldn't say she should be flattered, but a girl with a good sense of humor would be flattered.

00:40:05.000 She invited me to her Halloween party after that, which is a good sign, but that went bad.

00:40:09.000 I got all dressed up as the universe.

00:40:13.000 Stars and stuff?

00:40:15.000 Yeah, I had a whole black outfit.

00:40:16.000 I glued planets to my body with Velcro.

00:40:19.000 Yeah.

00:40:21.000 Grown man.

00:40:22.000 And then I go to her house on time, which I didn't realize you don't go to parties on time.

00:40:26.000 I just got into LA. And then I went to hug her.

00:40:30.000 I knocked over the skeleton on the wall.

00:40:32.000 And then her dog ran up and bit Venus off my leg and took off.

00:40:36.000 And now I'm just in the...

00:40:38.000 No one's dressed up.

00:40:39.000 People are coming and they're like, have a bandana.

00:40:41.000 It's like, I'm a pirate!

00:40:42.000 No one's really dressed up except for me.

00:40:45.000 So I was a pariah and then no one talked to me.

00:40:47.000 At the end, this guy, because all our friends were like frat guys, he goes, can I ask you a question?

00:40:53.000 And I was like, yeah.

00:40:54.000 Someone's talking to me.

00:40:54.000 He goes, you a faggot?

00:40:57.000 No.

00:40:58.000 No, really?

00:41:00.000 Yeah, I was like, no.

00:41:02.000 I mean, this all started with me getting a boner with this girl.

00:41:04.000 But anyway, I gotta go.

00:41:07.000 Jesus Christ.

00:41:08.000 What a dick.

00:41:09.000 Yeah, he was kind of a dick.

00:41:10.000 Was he a dick before that?

00:41:12.000 Yeah, they were all kind of like...

00:41:13.000 Jockey?

00:41:14.000 Jockey, and they were drunk.

00:41:16.000 I think I seemed like a target because I had the universe on my body.

00:41:20.000 Seemed like an easy target.

00:41:21.000 Yeah, but that's a severe weakness.

00:41:25.000 Mmm.

00:41:27.000 Unless you were doing something.

00:41:29.000 I mean, why wouldn't they think that was funny?

00:41:31.000 Like, what are you doing, man?

00:41:32.000 What's with the outfit?

00:41:33.000 And then you start talking, you start laughing, and everybody has a good time.

00:41:35.000 Yeah, yeah, we would have had a good time.

00:41:36.000 Yeah.

00:41:37.000 He went right to...

00:41:37.000 Hey, are you a faggot?

00:41:39.000 Yeah.

00:41:39.000 Ugh.

00:41:40.000 Yeah, you know...

00:41:42.000 That's funny, though, the boner thing.

00:41:44.000 Yeah.

00:41:45.000 Because there's a girl that I dated when I was in high school, and she was into, like, rubbing her feet on me.

00:41:51.000 And I had a foot thing for a long time afterwards because of it.

00:41:55.000 Where was she rubbing her feet on you?

00:41:57.000 My dick!

00:41:57.000 My dick, son!

00:42:01.000 I figured that.

00:42:02.000 I meant like, were you at your house?

00:42:04.000 Were you at school?

00:42:04.000 Yeah, well, whatever.

00:42:05.000 She would just rub her feet on my legs and put her feet on my dick.

00:42:08.000 This is your girlfriend?

00:42:09.000 Yeah.

00:42:09.000 Okay.

00:42:09.000 I used to go to this math class, 10.30, ugly teacher, but her smell, boner every time.

00:42:16.000 And I knew, I was like, oh, I gotta go get a boner in this class.

00:42:20.000 That's hilarious!

00:42:22.000 That's hilarious.

00:42:23.000 But that is a real thing about getting connected to a particular thing.

00:42:30.000 Whether it's choking someone or any of that.

00:42:32.000 The girl who wanted me to rape her also would grab my hand and put it on the back of her head.

00:42:38.000 Get me to force her head down.

00:42:40.000 She was crazy.

00:42:42.000 Hmm.

00:42:42.000 She was just really into it.

00:42:44.000 Yeah.

00:42:44.000 But it took a while for her to warm up.

00:42:46.000 It's almost like when we first started fooling around, she was like, hmm, when do I tell this motherfucker what I like?

00:42:51.000 Yeah.

00:42:51.000 Not yet.

00:42:52.000 Not yet.

00:42:53.000 The beginning was normal, and then one day she wanted to wrestle.

00:42:56.000 Okay.

00:42:57.000 Yeah, she's like, I want to wrestle you.

00:42:58.000 The gateway drug.

00:42:59.000 I was like, what?

00:43:00.000 She's like, I want to wrestle you.

00:43:01.000 I bet I'll kick your ass.

00:43:02.000 I was like, what the fuck are you talking about?

00:43:04.000 Like, what are you doing?

00:43:05.000 Yeah.

00:43:06.000 It was so weird.

00:43:08.000 You lost immediately.

00:43:09.000 I didn't beat her up, but I was trying to figure out what we're doing while we're doing it.

00:43:14.000 And she turned it sexual.

00:43:16.000 Oh, yeah.

00:43:16.000 She got into it.

00:43:17.000 Yeah, I think like Louis C.K., I remember his show, like one of the first episodes, he had a show where an older girl asked him to jerk off in front of her.

00:43:27.000 And I was always like, I bet that actually happened.

00:43:29.000 And that got linked up.

00:43:30.000 You can't really decide what links up your sexuality and what...

00:43:34.000 It is a turns you on.

00:43:36.000 It could have.

00:43:37.000 I have no information, but that's my guess.

00:43:40.000 People are into weird shit, man.

00:43:42.000 They're into weird shit.

00:43:44.000 I think the weirdest is the smelling the shoes.

00:43:47.000 Oh!

00:43:50.000 Marla Maples, Trump's ex, put a camera in her bedroom, in her closet, because she didn't have one shoe, and it was some friend would come in, they caught him just like, just coming in and stealing, sniffing her shoes.

00:44:02.000 Jesus Christ!

00:44:04.000 How does that get linked up?

00:44:05.000 Ugh.

00:44:06.000 Anyway.

00:44:07.000 Yeah, there's a lot of that stuff, right?

00:44:09.000 Like stealing underwear, stealing shoes.

00:44:13.000 Yeah, men are- That's weird.

00:44:14.000 The thing is, I mean, men get picked on because we're pervs, and that's true, but if we weren't pervs, this species wouldn't be here.

00:44:20.000 Let me tell you why.

00:44:21.000 Yeah.

00:44:21.000 Because we were down to like 70,000 people.

00:44:23.000 If we didn't have this super perv dream to go through the snow, get some pussy, I think it's less than 70,000 people.

00:44:30.000 They were saying that after one of the super volcanoes, it might have gotten down to just a few thousand.

00:44:36.000 Yeah, well...

00:44:38.000 There's a definite...

00:44:39.000 What is it, Sumatra?

00:44:41.000 Is that where it was?

00:44:41.000 Indonesia?

00:44:42.000 Some massive supervolcano 70,000 years ago killed off almost everybody.

00:44:48.000 Oh, I didn't know about that.

00:44:50.000 Yeah, we got down to an extremely low number.

00:44:53.000 I think they estimate it's somewhere between like 2 and maybe like 10,000 people.

00:45:02.000 Yeah, you need people who like to fuck a lot, that are real pervy to jump that up.

00:45:07.000 Well, you know, Brett Weinstein, who is a...

00:45:09.000 He was a professor...

00:45:11.000 Excuse you.

00:45:12.000 Sorry.

00:45:13.000 I don't know what's going on with me.

00:45:14.000 I smoked weed before the show.

00:45:15.000 I'm not going to lie to you people.

00:45:17.000 He was explaining...

00:45:20.000 With his wife, who's also a biologist, that there's two different things that men are attracted to.

00:45:26.000 They're attracted to a beautiful woman, but they're attracted to a hot woman.

00:45:29.000 Like a hot woman doesn't necessarily have to be beautiful, but what she does is offer an opportunity for like very quick sex.

00:45:37.000 Like you could just have sex with her.

00:45:38.000 You don't have to...

00:45:39.000 Court her like a girl with a short skirt and her tits are popping out and she's wearing a lot of makeup.

00:45:45.000 What that signals is that there's an opportunity for you to spread your genes and you have no responsibility.

00:45:52.000 You wouldn't have to take care of it.

00:45:54.000 You wouldn't have to spend a lot of time with her, court her.

00:45:58.000 She's the type of person that allows you to just fuck her.

00:46:01.000 You can move on and spread your genes elsewhere.

00:46:02.000 That makes sense.

00:46:03.000 Yeah, that there's an evolutionary reason for that being a stimulating thing for men.

00:46:09.000 For men, this idea of these loose women.

00:46:12.000 Loose women are very attractive to us for that reason.

00:46:17.000 It's not just that, oh yeah, if I can get some, not deal with all these bitches in their pocket.

00:46:22.000 No, it's literally an evolutionary trait that we have adapted to.

00:46:26.000 The disease thing knocks it back a little bit.

00:46:29.000 For me, I'll go like, oh, that might be a disease there.

00:46:32.000 I have an antidote for...

00:46:37.000 I don't feel like there's any woman who could, no matter how hot, come and take me away.

00:46:45.000 Or force me to...

00:46:47.000 What am I trying to say?

00:46:48.000 Seduce me.

00:46:50.000 Here it is.

00:46:51.000 You don't think a woman could seduce you?

00:46:52.000 No.

00:46:52.000 If I don't want her to, I have an anecdote.

00:46:54.000 Antidote!

00:46:55.000 Antidote!

00:46:57.000 I have an antidote.

00:46:58.000 Okay.

00:46:59.000 And I've been developing it over years, and people listening can take this.

00:47:04.000 Let's say you fell for somebody, and she didn't like you, and she dumped you, and you're still pining over her.

00:47:09.000 Right.

00:47:09.000 You put her...

00:47:10.000 First you think about the blood moving through her body and her skeleton, and you put her on the toilet.

00:47:17.000 You think about she's making bile.

00:47:19.000 I know it's gross, but you think about her as this animal, and you think about her on the toilet, and whenever she pops up, you put her on the toilet.

00:47:28.000 You're welcome.

00:47:28.000 That doesn't work with me.

00:47:30.000 It will.

00:47:30.000 I won't care.

00:47:31.000 No?

00:47:32.000 No.

00:47:33.000 No, if I think she's hot.

00:47:34.000 What if she's really struggling on the toilet?

00:47:36.000 I struggle on the toilet.

00:47:38.000 I'm not judgmental.

00:47:41.000 I eat a lot, man.

00:47:42.000 I take some horrific shits.

00:47:44.000 But think about, like, The Bachelorette or something.

00:47:46.000 They're fantasized.

00:47:48.000 A lot of times, like, early on, there's this fantasy.

00:47:51.000 And, you know, you're married?

00:47:54.000 Yes.

00:47:54.000 So there's intimacy and you get past all that.

00:47:57.000 But that early on fantasy, feeling in the blanks as a perfect person, you usually leave that out.

00:48:03.000 It never bothered me.

00:48:04.000 I don't give a fuck about periods.

00:48:07.000 What about thinking about their skeleton?

00:48:09.000 Does that kind of go, oh yeah.

00:48:11.000 Their skeleton.

00:48:11.000 Yeah, if you just imagine, there's a skeleton underneath this.

00:48:14.000 Woman that I'm like pining over.

00:48:17.000 She's just like...

00:48:20.000 Alright, maybe this doesn't work.

00:48:21.000 It doesn't work on me.

00:48:23.000 It works for me.

00:48:23.000 I'm telling you, man.

00:48:24.000 If I think someone's hot, I think they're hot.

00:48:27.000 I don't care if they just took a diarrhea shit.

00:48:29.000 How about this?

00:48:29.000 I imagine they have bad breath.

00:48:31.000 I'll be like, I bet she has bad breath.

00:48:32.000 I'd tell her.

00:48:34.000 Oh, you're Aussie.

00:48:35.000 I'd just say, listen.

00:48:37.000 I'd say something really nice.

00:48:39.000 You're super hot, and I'm going to tell you something.

00:48:42.000 Compliment sandwich.

00:48:43.000 You start with a nice thing.

00:48:44.000 And then you go against yourself and go...

00:48:47.000 Sometimes I get bad breath and because I'm a person everybody gets bad breath, but when I get bad breath I want someone to tell me absolutely I do not want to be wandering around grossing everybody out and they're like hey hey good to talk to you Joe as soon as they turn their head Yeah.

00:49:01.000 Tell me.

00:49:01.000 I don't know.

00:49:02.000 I'll take a Listerine strip or I'll chew gum or whatever the fuck.

00:49:05.000 Some people...

00:49:05.000 Go ahead.

00:49:06.000 So I would tell her.

00:49:07.000 But some people have an...

00:49:09.000 Like, here's an example.

00:49:10.000 I was with this girl and I could not take the breath.

00:49:14.000 Couldn't take it.

00:49:15.000 That bad.

00:49:15.000 And then I said, hey, let's brush our teeth.

00:49:20.000 It was either, you gotta go, I can't do this, or I've gotta figure out how to brush our teeth.

00:49:27.000 So I thought I made a fun game.

00:49:29.000 So she brushed her teeth, reluctantly.

00:49:32.000 Oh my god, reluctantly?

00:49:34.000 She's like, I hate brushing my teeth.

00:49:37.000 Clearly.

00:49:39.000 But it didn't fix it at all.

00:49:41.000 Like it was coming from her gut.

00:49:42.000 Some people have like...

00:49:43.000 Well, you know what?

00:49:44.000 That happens with a lot of girls who are bulimic or even anorexic.

00:49:47.000 They gird.

00:49:48.000 They regurgitate.

00:49:49.000 Your body's all fucked up.

00:49:51.000 Your body's like super confused.

00:49:53.000 I used to date a girl who puked.

00:49:55.000 I didn't know it until like deep into the relationship.

00:49:59.000 I did it a couple months and then I found out she was saying like if she eats too much she'll force herself to throw up and I was like, what?

00:50:04.000 It's easy to hide.

00:50:07.000 That is...

00:50:07.000 I mean, I knew it existed, but I didn't know anybody who had it, and that's a disturbing thing.

00:50:14.000 Like, you're hungry, so you eat, and then you're like, what have I done?

00:50:18.000 Yeah.

00:50:20.000 Yeah.

00:50:20.000 Shove things in your mouth and force it to come up again.

00:50:24.000 Like, oh God.

00:50:25.000 Did you guys talk about it or did that sort of end the relationship and you moved away?

00:50:29.000 No, no, no.

00:50:30.000 She brought it up and I said, this was the fucked up thing was, she wasn't in any way overweight.

00:50:38.000 Like, she was beautiful.

00:50:39.000 She had a great body.

00:50:40.000 It was just like a weird, she was an actress.

00:50:44.000 I think the pressure of that gig is just so crazy.

00:50:50.000 First of all, you take someone who most of the time, the reason why we want to become an actor is because they didn't get enough attention.

00:50:59.000 That's a lot of what causes it.

00:51:01.000 Especially if you have this weird sort of non-specific desire for fame.

00:51:07.000 It's not like you're a really good character actress.

00:51:11.000 You're a Faye Dunaway or something like that.

00:51:13.000 You're just really good and you love the craft of creating a character.

00:51:18.000 No, there's a lot of them that just want to be famous.

00:51:20.000 And why?

00:51:21.000 Why is that?

00:51:22.000 It's usually there's something fucked up from childhood.

00:51:24.000 Usually somebody wasn't paying attention to them.

00:51:28.000 Parents split up.

00:51:29.000 Something went wrong, right?

00:51:30.000 Yeah.

00:51:30.000 So you take this person that's super insecure and has this exorbitant need for attention and then you put them through this audition process.

00:51:37.000 The audition process is the craziest thing ever.

00:51:40.000 It devastates people's self-esteem.

00:51:42.000 Because you just get rejected all the time.

00:51:44.000 Rejected all the time.

00:51:45.000 Yeah, you're not selling a t-shirt that no one wants.

00:51:47.000 You're selling yourself.

00:51:48.000 Yeah.

00:51:49.000 Dude, I used to date this girl when I first moved to LA. And when she would go on auditions, if she would get rejected, she would want to fuck like a wild animal.

00:52:00.000 It's like she wanted something to just like...

00:52:03.000 She wanted to just fucking scream too.

00:52:06.000 She wanted to...

00:52:07.000 Yeah.

00:52:08.000 It was like the stress of it all was so crazy.

00:52:11.000 She wanted validation.

00:52:12.000 She wanted to blow off steam.

00:52:14.000 Yeah.

00:52:15.000 It was just the stress of it all.

00:52:16.000 It's so unhealthy.

00:52:18.000 And the people that go into that are some of the most, the least, it's the least advisable career path for them.

00:52:28.000 Yeah.

00:52:29.000 To be healthy.

00:52:30.000 Yeah.

00:52:30.000 It attracts the wrong people.

00:52:33.000 Yeah.

00:52:34.000 It's just a fucked up situation.

00:52:35.000 You have these people judging you.

00:52:37.000 Like, come on in, Kyle.

00:52:38.000 Yeah, I can't...

00:52:39.000 Tell us about yourself.

00:52:40.000 I have a lot of trouble auditioning.

00:52:41.000 Tell me what your favorite animal is.

00:52:43.000 Yeah.

00:52:43.000 What's your second favorite?

00:52:45.000 That's who you are.

00:52:47.000 I told that Tom Cruise.

00:52:48.000 You're a goat.

00:52:49.000 You told Tom Cruise he loved it?

00:52:50.000 Oh, cool.

00:52:50.000 Loved it.

00:52:50.000 That's great.

00:52:51.000 Wow, Tom Cruise.

00:52:53.000 I went on an audition once, and this girl...

00:52:57.000 She asked me where I was from, and I said I was from New Jersey.

00:53:01.000 And she goes, I'm from New York.

00:53:04.000 She goes, well, I'm actually from New Jersey, but I don't tell people that.

00:53:07.000 I go, why?

00:53:09.000 She goes, well, it's cool to say you're from New York.

00:53:10.000 I go, that's ridiculous.

00:53:13.000 I go, that doesn't make any sense at all.

00:53:15.000 I go, why would you lie?

00:53:16.000 I go, and then you just told me.

00:53:18.000 And she goes, are you ready to audition?

00:53:22.000 I'm like, okay.

00:53:23.000 So she's like giving me like this sour look, and I had a sing...

00:53:27.000 Wait, the auditioner told you...

00:53:29.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:53:29.000 And then she had this sour look on her face, and I had to sing a line from a Bruce Springsteen song to her in the audition.

00:53:38.000 It was so humiliating.

00:53:40.000 What were you auditioning for?

00:53:41.000 To be in his band?

00:53:42.000 Some terrible movie.

00:53:43.000 Some terrible movie.

00:53:44.000 It was a scene in the movie where there's a guy and a girl telling the girl how much I love her and I'm singing fucking Born to Run or something like that.

00:53:51.000 I don't even remember.

00:53:52.000 I think everyone would love to hear a little bit right now.

00:54:00.000 I don't remember.

00:54:01.000 I don't even remember what song it was.

00:54:03.000 And you didn't get it?

00:54:03.000 No, no, no.

00:54:04.000 Not only did I not get it, but this is a very important moment for me.

00:54:09.000 I left, and that's when I realized, I was like, this whole process, for me at least, is broken.

00:54:17.000 I'm not good at this.

00:54:19.000 I'm not good at pretending to be someone.

00:54:21.000 Everybody who goes in there, they go into these auditions, and there was these people who were, like, air quotes, working actors.

00:54:30.000 They do a little, you know, I was on Just Shoot Me for a saying, you know, I had a nice episode on this.

00:54:36.000 You know those people, they're like hopping around.

00:54:38.000 Those people, they develop this real slick way of talking.

00:54:42.000 And they don't say, nice to meet you, because they might have already met you.

00:54:46.000 So they say, good to see you.

00:54:48.000 Good to see you, Kyle.

00:54:49.000 Good to see you.

00:54:50.000 I do that, actually.

00:54:50.000 Because I keep remembering, forgetting people.

00:54:53.000 You don't have Dunbar's number.

00:54:55.000 You only have a certain number of people you can keep in your head.

00:54:57.000 But this way of doing it, I was recognizing it.

00:55:02.000 The way they would talk, everyone was like super left-wing, super progressive.

00:55:06.000 No one explored ideas.

00:55:07.000 You just adopted whatever everybody else was going with and ran with it.

00:55:11.000 Oh, yes, I agree.

00:55:12.000 Hillary is so much more qualified.

00:55:14.000 People would just say shit like that.

00:55:16.000 It was just it was really strange.

00:55:18.000 They were like real obvious Democrat lean.

00:55:21.000 They weren't thinking it through.

00:55:23.000 They just adopted this mindset and they were just sneaking their way through this system.

00:55:28.000 They were like exploiting little personality holes in the system and they would get become friends with casting agents and one of the casting agents was a woman.

00:55:37.000 I knew this one casting agent who was friends with a friend of mine, and she was kind of gross.

00:55:43.000 I'm just being nice.

00:55:44.000 I'm being kind by saying kinda.

00:55:46.000 And she fucked all these actor guys.

00:55:49.000 Oh, I want to know who this is.

00:55:51.000 I can't tell you.

00:55:52.000 She's a nice lady.

00:55:53.000 She just licked.

00:55:54.000 She was basically doing the casting couch in reverse.

00:55:58.000 Right.

00:55:59.000 But she was, like, aggressive, sexually aggressive with guys.

00:56:03.000 Yeah, and one of my friends.

00:56:04.000 She was super sexually aggressive with one of my friends.

00:56:07.000 Is it Henrietta Weinstein?

00:56:09.000 I can't tell you!

00:56:12.000 Well, she was casting quite a few different shows.

00:56:18.000 Yeah.

00:56:18.000 And she knew how to get these exploit people, these guys that were saying, good to see you.

00:56:26.000 Those guys, she would fuck those guys.

00:56:28.000 Yeah.

00:56:29.000 Because that was the way they could play it, you know, that's the way they get closer.

00:56:33.000 She's like, is it good to see this?

00:56:33.000 Yeah.

00:56:33.000 I wonder how her seduction went down.

00:56:35.000 I don't know what it was.

00:56:36.000 It's brutal, though.

00:56:38.000 Auditioning is...

00:56:38.000 It's horrible.

00:56:39.000 I'm terrible.

00:56:40.000 I booked one...

00:56:41.000 I've gotten, like, sketch shows, but I've only booked one show where it was, like, a script.

00:56:47.000 Like, it was a sitcom.

00:56:48.000 I booked, like, a guest-starring thing.

00:56:51.000 And I went in, and I'm a terrible reader.

00:56:53.000 And for the read-through, they do a read-through with the network, like, I don't know, a couple days before they shoot.

00:56:57.000 And they gave me like, oh, you have eight new lines, whatever.

00:57:00.000 And I read like a third grader.

00:57:03.000 I was very poor.

00:57:05.000 So I had the big table read-through and I stammered through the whole thing and I got fired.

00:57:10.000 So the only show I booked really off a typical audition reading a script I was fired from.

00:57:16.000 Jesus Christ.

00:57:17.000 I mean, so many wasted hours memorizing, paying acting coaches.

00:57:20.000 None of it worked out for me.

00:57:22.000 Why?

00:57:23.000 Because I get really nervous.

00:57:25.000 I feel very judged.

00:57:27.000 I feel very uncomfortable.

00:57:28.000 I'm a terrible reader.

00:57:30.000 So I end up having to memorize it.

00:57:32.000 And then most of my time is trying to remember.

00:57:37.000 It's just...

00:57:38.000 Basically, I get too nervous is the answer.

00:57:41.000 Did you ever try to see a hypnotist or anything like that?

00:57:44.000 No, but that probably would have been a good idea.

00:57:46.000 Because it was a mental...

00:57:50.000 Like, shut down.

00:57:51.000 Like, you know, some people just react.

00:57:53.000 You can't help how you react.

00:57:55.000 But it's like, if you can imagine, if you're afraid of bees, for example, it's like go in an audition with a bunch of bees flying around you.

00:58:03.000 Your body's reacting in like a fear way.

00:58:06.000 It's really hard to grab your facilities to act or whatever you're doing.

00:58:10.000 It's impossible.

00:58:14.000 Yeah, no, I get it.

00:58:15.000 I mean, especially if you think like this, God, this could be it.

00:58:18.000 This is the big moment.

00:58:19.000 It's like one of the worst ways for you to behave or to perform rather in something that's like really important, especially like an acting situation where you're supposed to pretend to be in love or to pretend to be, you know, happy and whatever the fuck it is.

00:58:35.000 Like all you're thinking is don't fuck this up.

00:58:37.000 Don't fuck this up.

00:58:38.000 And that's like the overlying mantra to all your thoughts.

00:58:41.000 Doing it, do this correct, is not the great mindset where you're going to do a good performance.

00:58:46.000 I had like...

00:58:47.000 Oh, I just fell out of my head.

00:58:52.000 Whatever I was about to say was going to be hilarious.

00:58:54.000 It was the best part of the show.

00:58:56.000 It was going to be great.

00:58:58.000 Yeah, but this is one of the reasons why so many people are so crazy out here.

00:59:02.000 It's they come here crazy, and then the system gets them crazier.

00:59:05.000 And then you also realize...

00:59:08.000 That unless you're doing something like what you're doing, or you're just doing your own thing on Instagram, someone has to pick you to work.

00:59:14.000 You have to get picked.

00:59:16.000 Which is just nuts.

00:59:18.000 As comics, all we have to do is just go to an open mic night, practice, write, come up with some jokes, do well, you come back, do well, you come back, you just keep grinding.

00:59:30.000 Couple years down the road, you're starting to get a gig here and a gig there.

00:59:33.000 Yeah, I'm opening up for this guy.

00:59:35.000 And yeah, I got a gig emceeing at this place.

00:59:37.000 And then a couple years after that, I'm middling.

00:59:40.000 There's an actual thing you can do.

00:59:42.000 If you're good, you can make a living.

00:59:45.000 I can't imagine just being an actor.

00:59:47.000 Forget it.

00:59:48.000 They go crazy, dude.

00:59:49.000 I have friends that are just actors.

00:59:52.000 They go crazy.

00:59:54.000 They all go crazy.

00:59:55.000 By the time they're in their 40s, they're out of their fucking mind.

00:59:57.000 And women.

00:59:59.000 That's hard.

00:59:59.000 They feel like they have this little tiny-ass hourglass and it's just running out of sand every day.

01:00:06.000 Yeah.

01:00:07.000 And like you said, a lot of times you're not starting with the most secure people.

01:00:12.000 No.

01:00:12.000 Almost never.

01:00:14.000 Almost never.

01:00:15.000 I got on stage because I was in so much pain.

01:00:18.000 I literally was pushed.

01:00:20.000 I was in college.

01:00:21.000 I had no friends.

01:00:23.000 I'm really painting a pretty picture of myself today.

01:00:25.000 But I wanted attention.

01:00:28.000 That really was the first impulse.

01:00:31.000 Yeah.

01:00:32.000 Yeah.

01:00:33.000 Yeah.

01:00:34.000 But sometimes that leads to the funniest shit and the funniest people.

01:00:38.000 Like, there's that pressure one way that throws you in another direction.

01:00:43.000 That bad feeling, when you're just trying to escape that bad feeling, the energy and the desire to escape that bad feeling is so intense that it creates a good feeling.

01:00:52.000 And after a while, though, it flips, too.

01:00:54.000 Like, now I, you know, sometimes I don't want to be looked at.

01:01:01.000 You know, I think if I got into a bad spot, I'd want to go on stage again.

01:01:05.000 But sometimes...

01:01:05.000 Do you ever feel like that?

01:01:06.000 Like, you just don't feel like being...

01:01:09.000 Like, looked at.

01:01:11.000 You don't feel like being looked at?

01:01:13.000 Like, that's not what happens with you.

01:01:15.000 Sometimes I don't feel like going on stage.

01:01:17.000 Yeah, no.

01:01:17.000 Definitely.

01:01:19.000 One of the things that I've been doing lately is...

01:01:22.000 For a long time, I hardly took any time off.

01:01:26.000 But after I did my special, I just filmed a special in April.

01:01:29.000 I took...

01:01:31.000 A month off.

01:01:32.000 I didn't do any stand-up for a month.

01:01:34.000 Yeah.

01:01:34.000 At least like three weeks, right?

01:01:37.000 Like three, maybe it might have been four weeks.

01:01:39.000 But I was like, I'm not doing shit.

01:01:41.000 Yeah.

01:01:42.000 I went to Hawaii.

01:01:43.000 I fucking hung out.

01:01:46.000 I did podcasts.

01:01:48.000 I didn't do any stand-up and it felt great.

01:01:51.000 It felt great that I would leave here and I'd be done.

01:01:54.000 I wouldn't have another gig to go to at night.

01:01:57.000 You know, there wasn't this overwhelming thing looming in the background.

01:02:02.000 After a while, you know, I realized, alright, gotta get back on the horse.

01:02:05.000 Yeah, I'm enjoying more now.

01:02:07.000 Go ahead.

01:02:08.000 What's that?

01:02:08.000 What were you saying?

01:02:09.000 I interrupted you.

01:02:10.000 You were gonna join more now?

01:02:11.000 What?

01:02:13.000 He's like, what?

01:02:15.000 I'm enjoying stand-up now.

01:02:17.000 Because I feel like this Instagram gave me a little confidence to bring that into my stand-up.

01:02:23.000 Because before...

01:02:25.000 I just kind of was I think scared trying to do what people said and there was this thing where like you got to make it a sitcom you got to be talk about your family I had managers who were like don't do the guitar don't do this do talk about your family and they were trying to get you to make something that could be turned into a sitcom yeah so they could take it away from you once your ex-girlfriend says you were a shitty boyfriend yeah yeah exactly like today yeah it's a new thing that's what they're doing now That's the new thing.

01:02:54.000 That's the new thing, yeah.

01:02:56.000 Yeah, there was a lot of that.

01:02:57.000 There was a lot of they were trying to get people to basically put together an audition for a sitcom.

01:03:03.000 Your act is essentially like Tim Allen or Roseanne or whoever, Brett Butler.

01:03:08.000 They put you, you know.

01:03:10.000 And some people have the confidence not to listen.

01:03:12.000 I remember Zach Galifianakis was one of the guys who didn't want to be on a sitcom.

01:03:15.000 And I was like, I didn't believe him because I'm like, that's what we all have.

01:03:19.000 That's what we're all doing, right?

01:03:20.000 But he had a sense of himself.

01:03:22.000 I got out into the world without really having confidence in myself to make a decision to do something.

01:03:30.000 I really felt like I needed someone to tell me that.

01:03:33.000 There's this experiment.

01:03:34.000 I'm going to explain myself real quick.

01:03:36.000 Where they did this in the 70s.

01:03:38.000 They'd rattle a rattle in front of a baby.

01:03:40.000 And the mom would do this and the baby would like it.

01:03:42.000 Then they'd have them keep rattling it and the baby would start to push it away.

01:03:45.000 They'd have them keep rattling it and the baby would start crying.

01:03:47.000 All babies go through this exact thing.

01:03:49.000 Then after the crying, they have them keep rattling it, which is like something they would never do now.

01:03:54.000 At the last phase, the baby is numb out and start drooling.

01:03:58.000 Jesus.

01:03:59.000 And that's how I came into the world.

01:04:03.000 But I feel like I'm waking up now a little bit.

01:04:05.000 That's fucking dark that they did that to a baby.

01:04:08.000 Only in the 70s would they do that.

01:04:11.000 How many people did they fuck up in the 70s?

01:04:14.000 I know, the brown-eyed, blue-eyed experiment.

01:04:16.000 Remember that?

01:04:18.000 This, they told a classroom of kids, blue-eyed people are smarter and better.

01:04:24.000 Brown-eyed people are to kids.

01:04:26.000 What?

01:04:26.000 So then the blue-eyed people started, you know, doing better work, behaving better.

01:04:31.000 The brown-eyed kids started misbehaving.

01:04:32.000 Then they switched it.

01:04:33.000 They're like, we were wrong.

01:04:34.000 The brown-eyed kids are the ones who are smarter and better.

01:04:37.000 And the whole thing switched.

01:04:39.000 So they do it as a psychological experiment?

01:04:41.000 Yeah, just to see, like...

01:04:42.000 Just to fuck with kids?

01:04:43.000 Just to really fuck them up.

01:04:44.000 Well, yeah, if you tell kids that they're shit, they feel like they're shit.

01:04:47.000 Yeah, you don't really need to do that experiment.

01:04:49.000 Yeah, don't do that.

01:04:50.000 Yeah.

01:04:51.000 Do the opposite of that.

01:04:52.000 I know.

01:04:54.000 We're talking now about the effects on kids with the Trump thing and the border.

01:04:59.000 It's so dark.

01:05:01.000 What the fuck was Melania wearing?

01:05:05.000 That jacket that says, I don't care, do you?

01:05:09.000 What does it say?

01:05:10.000 I don't care, do you think I do or some shit?

01:05:13.000 I don't care.

01:05:14.000 I don't care, do you?

01:05:15.000 Is that what it is?

01:05:16.000 What in the fuck is going on in that house?

01:05:21.000 I think she's losing her marbles.

01:05:22.000 You think it was her decision?

01:05:23.000 First of all, do you think she had any idea when she married that billionaire dude in 2005?

01:05:28.000 She thought she was just getting hooked up.

01:05:30.000 Yeah.

01:05:30.000 She's like, look, I'm gonna have a kid with this guy.

01:05:32.000 It's gonna be great.

01:05:33.000 I don't have to work anymore.

01:05:34.000 Yeah.

01:05:34.000 All these fucking nude modeling gigs that I was doing and, you know, learn how to speak a little bit of English, whatever.

01:05:40.000 Yeah.

01:05:40.000 You know, go shopping all the time.

01:05:42.000 Fuck yeah, I'm in.

01:05:43.000 Bad and be a good boy.

01:05:44.000 Don't be a bad boy.

01:05:45.000 Yeah.

01:05:46.000 Boom.

01:05:46.000 I'm in.

01:05:47.000 And then 10 years later...

01:05:49.000 She's the fucking vice...

01:05:50.000 I mean, she's the first lady.

01:05:52.000 She's the vice president.

01:05:53.000 Well, she's more popular than the vice president.

01:05:55.000 Who the fuck knows who Pence is?

01:05:57.000 Yeah.

01:05:58.000 I don't know a goddamn thing about that guy.

01:05:59.000 He scares me a little bit.

01:06:01.000 Well, he might be the president one day.

01:06:02.000 There's a lot of Jesus stuff going on.

01:06:05.000 A lot of Jesus.

01:06:06.000 A lot.

01:06:07.000 More than ever.

01:06:08.000 Pence, Sessions, Huckabee, a lot of Jesus.

01:06:11.000 Yeah.

01:06:11.000 Chris Pratt's being praised because he said people should pray, which is a legitimate thing to say.

01:06:16.000 I mean, just whatever prayer is.

01:06:19.000 Mindfulness, meditation, feeling good, just being thankful.

01:06:23.000 You don't have to attach it necessarily to any ideology or religion.

01:06:27.000 It's still a good idea to think that way.

01:06:29.000 But people are going, yes, we got a Christian as an actor.

01:06:33.000 The guy from fucking Guardians of the Galaxy is one of us.

01:06:37.000 Whoa!

01:06:38.000 Yeah, like the idea that no atheists can be president.

01:06:44.000 No atheists.

01:06:45.000 And no single guys.

01:06:47.000 Yeah.

01:06:48.000 You better have a family, bitch.

01:06:49.000 Otherwise, what are you going to do?

01:06:50.000 You're going to fuck everybody and launch bombs just to see what happens?

01:06:56.000 That's exactly what would happen.

01:06:58.000 That is what would happen.

01:06:59.000 I mean, do you think that it's possible to have a single guy or gal as a president?

01:07:06.000 I do not.

01:07:07.000 I do not think it's possible.

01:07:09.000 It's got a stigma.

01:07:10.000 People would get weirded out by you.

01:07:12.000 How old are you?

01:07:13.000 You're 49. You don't even have any kids, you fucking weirdo.

01:07:17.000 You don't have a wife.

01:07:18.000 Even a guy who's married with no kids.

01:07:21.000 I think people would be like, he's not like us.

01:07:25.000 Because you could be married with kids and I could be single and I don't feel weirded by you.

01:07:30.000 I don't feel like this is a fucking weirdo.

01:07:32.000 What's he doing all married with kids?

01:07:34.000 Because that's a normal path.

01:07:35.000 But it's not a normal path to be like a 55 year old guy with no wife, no kids, never been married.

01:07:42.000 Yeah.

01:07:43.000 No desire to...

01:07:46.000 It seems like you're more stable if you have a whole family.

01:07:49.000 Oh, for sure.

01:07:49.000 You have some skin in the game.

01:07:52.000 You care about your kids.

01:07:53.000 That's true, too.

01:07:54.000 You don't want to blow up the world.

01:07:56.000 It's like that Sting song, If the Russians Love Their Children Too.

01:08:01.000 Can we hear a bit of that, Joe?

01:08:03.000 No, let's not.

01:08:04.000 I'll sing it for this audition, but then I'll walk out of here humiliated.

01:08:07.000 I auditioned for Snoopy on Broadway.

01:08:10.000 You did?

01:08:11.000 You want to talk about humiliating.

01:08:12.000 I don't have a good voice, but they wanted a comedian or something, so I somehow got this audition.

01:08:16.000 The song was like, sup, sup, supper time, sup, sup, supper, literally.

01:08:22.000 I went to my friend, you know John Bush, comedian?

01:08:25.000 No, I don't know.

01:08:25.000 Really funny guy.

01:08:26.000 He went in before me and I walked in.

01:08:27.000 I know his name.

01:08:28.000 Felt like a bomb went off.

01:08:30.000 And I walked out in a huff.

01:08:32.000 I'm like, what happened?

01:08:32.000 He was like, meh.

01:08:33.000 And I went in there and they were just dead silent.

01:08:35.000 And I did like a whole dance, like sup, sup, supper time.

01:08:38.000 Two people just staring at me.

01:08:40.000 And I left.

01:08:41.000 And I was like, what happened in there?

01:08:43.000 He goes, I had a guy said that my audition was cute and I was going to leave.

01:08:46.000 But then I walked back in.

01:08:47.000 I tapped on his table and I said, you know what?

01:08:49.000 You're an asshole.

01:08:50.000 And then he left.

01:08:51.000 Oh, Jesus Christ.

01:08:54.000 Like, hi!

01:08:55.000 You're an asshole because you said it was cute?

01:08:58.000 Yeah.

01:08:59.000 Why is everybody so defensive?

01:09:00.000 Well, yeah, this guy's a legend.

01:09:02.000 You're supposed to be Snoopy, bro.

01:09:03.000 Yeah.

01:09:03.000 Snoopy's not mad.

01:09:05.000 Is this Bush character, is he always like that?

01:09:08.000 He's hilarious, yeah.

01:09:09.000 He just doesn't take any...

01:09:11.000 Doesn't give a fuck?

01:09:11.000 He lives in Iowa now.

01:09:12.000 Iowa?

01:09:13.000 Yeah.

01:09:13.000 What's he doing there?

01:09:14.000 He's got a nice little life.

01:09:15.000 He's got a family and a little house.

01:09:17.000 It's like corporate stuff mostly now.

01:09:19.000 Oh, it's corporate gigs?

01:09:20.000 Yeah.

01:09:21.000 That's a weird world.

01:09:22.000 That world of corporate gigs, where the guys, they give up mainstream, but they can do those corporate gigs that pay really well, but nobody knows about them.

01:09:32.000 Nobody knows they're alive.

01:09:34.000 They just do these corporate gigs.

01:09:36.000 And you can make some money doing that.

01:09:37.000 Mm-hmm.

01:09:38.000 But they're like, a lot of times like they're in the afternoon.

01:09:42.000 People are eating food.

01:09:44.000 Ooh.

01:09:44.000 And then you stay in some Best Western somewhere.

01:09:47.000 Kansas City, staring at the wall.

01:09:49.000 What they do to comedians, they go, we'll get a comedian.

01:09:52.000 When the environment...

01:09:54.000 I'm sure you've had gigs like that where you're just at a place like, why did they think that's what's good for a comedian to come here?

01:10:00.000 Terrible.

01:10:02.000 You've done colleges, right?

01:10:03.000 Oh yeah.

01:10:04.000 The kids run it.

01:10:04.000 They're like these seven-year-old kids.

01:10:06.000 I went to one and they had a poster of me, but they didn't put the date or the time on it.

01:10:12.000 So guess how many people showed up?

01:10:15.000 A million.

01:10:16.000 A million people.

01:10:17.000 That's amazing.

01:10:18.000 That's great.

01:10:19.000 How'd you do?

01:10:20.000 I did fantastic.

01:10:23.000 I asked if I, one time I was at Amherst.

01:10:25.000 Oh, no.

01:10:26.000 It was a giant field.

01:10:27.000 There was one guy in a red hooded sweatshirt in the center of the field sitting Indian style.

01:10:32.000 And I said, I don't, I don't, we don't have to do this, right?

01:10:36.000 And she goes, no, just go out there.

01:10:38.000 People hear you will start coming out.

01:10:40.000 Oh, my God.

01:10:41.000 One guy.

01:10:42.000 One guy.

01:10:43.000 Amherst is a tricky place.

01:10:45.000 That's the People's Republic of Amherst.

01:10:48.000 It's like if you took Boulder and you moved it to Western Massachusetts, that's Amherst.

01:10:52.000 Super, super, super progressive and liberal.

01:10:56.000 I did not know that.

01:10:59.000 Well, they don't like comedy, that's for sure.

01:11:02.000 We'll be right back.

01:11:03.000 It's too bad most people don't know that impression.

01:11:06.000 Nobody knows who I was just dead.

01:11:08.000 Not anymore.

01:11:08.000 It's Johnny Carson.

01:11:10.000 Yeah, back in the day.

01:11:11.000 That is.

01:11:12.000 You know what I think of when I think of Johnny Carson?

01:11:14.000 It's a fucked up thing to think of.

01:11:15.000 But he died...

01:11:17.000 Smoking like some ungodly amount of pall malls.

01:11:20.000 He just kept pumping on these pall malls, just smoked them constantly.

01:11:24.000 And his gut had become distended like he was pregnant.

01:11:29.000 And it was just, he was just rotten with cancer.

01:11:32.000 Like his whole body was just fucked up.

01:11:34.000 And apparently like when he died, like as he was, as he was dying, he's like last days, he was like these goddamn cigarettes.

01:11:41.000 Oh, yeah, I didn't hear that.

01:11:43.000 It's all I think of when I think of Johnny Carson.

01:11:45.000 I think of him poisoning himself with these things that he can't keep from his face.

01:11:50.000 He just can't.

01:11:51.000 He's got to keep doing it and his body is rotting and he goes from being like America's favorite all-time talk show host.

01:12:00.000 He was the fucking man, right?

01:12:02.000 I mean, he was the man.

01:12:03.000 Yeah.

01:12:04.000 He goes from that to just quitting.

01:12:07.000 Just stopping.

01:12:08.000 Just stopping doing it.

01:12:09.000 And then it becomes this weird thing.

01:12:11.000 He becomes this weird guy.

01:12:13.000 Recluse.

01:12:14.000 Recluse.

01:12:14.000 What happens there?

01:12:16.000 How does one go from being the Tonight Show host to just being a recluse?

01:12:22.000 Yeah, he never tried to do anything else, right?

01:12:25.000 No.

01:12:26.000 I like what Letterman's doing.

01:12:27.000 He's doing those things on Netflix now.

01:12:29.000 I haven't seen them.

01:12:30.000 I haven't either, but I like that he's doing them.

01:12:32.000 Yeah.

01:12:32.000 I'm worried about him.

01:12:33.000 I'm worried he would be one of those guys, you know, because he kind of vanished.

01:12:37.000 Yeah.

01:12:38.000 Grew his crazy beard.

01:12:39.000 I'm going to do that.

01:12:41.000 Crazy beard?

01:12:41.000 Yeah.

01:12:42.000 Yeah?

01:12:43.000 Okay.

01:12:44.000 Man, that's cool with you guys.

01:12:45.000 Do you think these guys, they just get to the point where they're like, I can't do this anymore.

01:12:49.000 There's just too much people, too much pressure, too much everything.

01:12:52.000 Yeah, it's a lot of pressure.

01:12:54.000 Every day to do a show takes a certain personality.

01:12:57.000 It's a different kind of thing, right?

01:12:59.000 Exhausting, I'm sure.

01:13:00.000 And you're doing stand-up that's never been tried.

01:13:03.000 No, and it can't be great.

01:13:05.000 It's terrible!

01:13:06.000 It takes a long time to get an act together that's really good.

01:13:10.000 So, did you hear what happened today in the news?

01:13:12.000 Today?

01:13:13.000 That was good about Carson, though.

01:13:14.000 He would make kind of fun about how bad he was doing.

01:13:17.000 Yes, yes.

01:13:18.000 Well, Jay Leno was the best at it, I really feel.

01:13:21.000 And that's why they extended his monologue.

01:13:23.000 Right.

01:13:24.000 He wasn't good.

01:13:25.000 He was a workhorse.

01:13:26.000 So, every Sunday, you go to the Hermosa Beach Club.

01:13:29.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:13:29.000 I was on that show, and I filmed something, and he brought me into the office, and he didn't want to air it.

01:13:37.000 And he goes, I don't want to get any letters.

01:13:41.000 Because I did that Craig character, and he just felt it was too retarded or something.

01:13:47.000 Yeah, he played it safe.

01:13:51.000 He played it safe.

01:13:53.000 When people swung on him, he never swung back.

01:13:55.000 Yeah.

01:13:56.000 He does.

01:13:57.000 Just roll with the punches.

01:13:58.000 Yeah.

01:13:59.000 Would you do a talk show?

01:14:00.000 No!

01:14:00.000 I'm doing one right now with Kyle Dunnigan.

01:14:02.000 He's my guest.

01:14:03.000 Kyle Dunnigan, ladies and gentlemen.

01:14:04.000 Kyle Dunnigan won on Instagram.

01:14:07.000 Kyle Dunnigan won.

01:14:08.000 The worst name on Instagram.

01:14:11.000 Why would I do that?

01:14:12.000 It doesn't seem like a good way to talk to people.

01:14:16.000 It doesn't seem like it's fun.

01:14:19.000 It seems like it's too much pressure.

01:14:20.000 It seems like there's too many people.

01:14:22.000 It seems like the conversations become fake because you have five minutes until you cut to commercial and they come over with cards and the executive wants to talk to you and the producers want to get in your ear.

01:14:33.000 And we just feel like it just needs a little levity.

01:14:37.000 So we're gonna bring the jester out.

01:14:40.000 I'm tired of the jester.

01:14:41.000 I don't like the jester.

01:14:42.000 And then the jester comes out with his little...

01:14:43.000 And everybody goes, the jester's here!

01:14:45.000 And the fucking crowd starts clapping.

01:14:47.000 The audience, they get that sign that says, cheer, applause, applause.

01:14:51.000 I've seen too many of them.

01:14:53.000 I think it's a dead medium.

01:14:55.000 I don't like it.

01:14:56.000 I'm not recommending it.

01:14:58.000 I mean, you have it.

01:14:59.000 People should see.

01:15:00.000 You should have studio tours.

01:15:02.000 Joe's got the pool table here.

01:15:04.000 You have to put the VR on.

01:15:05.000 We've got the VR goggles now.

01:15:07.000 We've got HTC Vive.

01:15:08.000 I don't know what that is, VR goggles.

01:15:10.000 Virtual reality?

01:15:11.000 Oh, I could have figured that out if I tried.

01:15:12.000 You put on these goggles and you box people.

01:15:15.000 Oh, yeah.

01:15:16.000 You have this big dude in front of you throwing punches and when it hits you the screen goes white.

01:15:20.000 Oh, really?

01:15:20.000 You get popped.

01:15:21.000 Yeah, it's great.

01:15:22.000 It's fun.

01:15:23.000 There's a bunch of them.

01:15:25.000 There's archery games, there's one with a lightsaber where things come at you, you gotta slice them.

01:15:30.000 They're flying through the air and when you're chopping them up.

01:15:32.000 That's cool.

01:15:33.000 And you're doing it to music.

01:15:35.000 It's fucking amazing.

01:15:36.000 And deprivation tank you got here?

01:15:38.000 I do.

01:15:39.000 I have that too.

01:15:40.000 Joe, you want to tell them how we did on pool today?

01:15:41.000 We did really good.

01:15:42.000 It's a fun game.

01:15:43.000 How many balls did I get in two games that we played?

01:15:46.000 You made one ball.

01:15:48.000 I did get...

01:15:48.000 Yeah, I got one in.

01:15:49.000 You made one.

01:15:50.000 Got it in.

01:15:50.000 That's not bad.

01:15:52.000 It went right where you wanted it to go.

01:15:55.000 You aimed, you shot, you fired, it went in.

01:15:58.000 That was really emasculating, those two games.

01:16:00.000 It shouldn't be.

01:16:01.000 Two things.

01:16:01.000 One, that table, I didn't tell you because I didn't want to freak you out.

01:16:04.000 No, very tiny pockets.

01:16:06.000 The pockets are much smaller than a normal table.

01:16:09.000 A normal table has five and a half inch pockets.

01:16:11.000 That table has four inch pockets.

01:16:13.000 They're actually slightly under four.

01:16:15.000 So they're really small.

01:16:17.000 So it's hard to get a ball in.

01:16:19.000 And I play on it every day.

01:16:21.000 It wasn't hard for you to get the ball, I just want to say that.

01:16:23.000 I told you I play on it every day.

01:16:25.000 I really do.

01:16:27.000 Every day after we're done, that's how I unwind.

01:16:30.000 We do the podcast, it's over, and I go knock some balls around.

01:16:33.000 Is that your best game?

01:16:34.000 Pool?

01:16:34.000 Yeah, I'm not good at any games.

01:16:36.000 That's the only game I'm good at.

01:16:37.000 Really?

01:16:38.000 Yeah, I'm terrible at video games.

01:16:40.000 I can play Quake.

01:16:41.000 Pretty good at Quake.

01:16:42.000 Okay, an archery you're good at.

01:16:43.000 I'm good at archery, but that's not a game, man.

01:16:46.000 Not a game to me, man.

01:16:47.000 Serious, bro.

01:16:48.000 Yeah, archery is very different than all of them because archery is very much like a meditation.

01:16:54.000 It requires so much concentration and so many things have to be in line that as you're thinking of all those different things, it cleans your mind in some weird way.

01:17:03.000 Very meditative.

01:17:04.000 You ever read Zen and the Art of Archery?

01:17:06.000 No.

01:17:07.000 Really good book.

01:17:08.000 Interesting book.

01:17:09.000 It's funny because my friend John Dudley read it and recommended it to me.

01:17:14.000 And he's a world-class archer.

01:17:17.000 He just got back from Europe where they flew him out to coach various international teams.

01:17:23.000 He's a real world-class coach and archer himself.

01:17:28.000 And he said, it's interesting, this book is really good, but I have a feeling that the guy who wrote it wasn't really that good at archery.

01:17:36.000 And I'm like, oh, that's fascinating.

01:17:37.000 It's like the guy, he goes, I feel like he was kind of there, but not quite.

01:17:41.000 And I'm like, that's interesting coming from a guy who's a real master.

01:17:44.000 Like he recognizes some errors in his thinking or the way he describes things or his approach.

01:17:52.000 Really interesting.

01:17:53.000 By the way, you never have to ask me again, did you read that book?

01:17:56.000 I did not read that book.

01:17:56.000 You don't read any books.

01:17:57.000 I haven't read a book in a long time.

01:18:00.000 Thank God someone's honest about that.

01:18:02.000 I mean, you could say, did you hear this book?

01:18:03.000 Sometimes I'll get an audiobook downloaded.

01:18:05.000 Oh, I love audiobooks.

01:18:06.000 I read one book for every seven or eight audiobooks I listen to.

01:18:14.000 I read one, maybe.

01:18:16.000 And I don't even read most.

01:18:18.000 Sometimes I'll start off reading it, and then I'll go, this is too much work.

01:18:22.000 I'm just going to listen to it in my car.

01:18:24.000 I just listen to it.

01:18:26.000 I don't, it's like, there's a lot of dead time.

01:18:29.000 There's a lot of time that's not being used, and that time is when I'm driving.

01:18:33.000 And I'm always driving here, or I'm driving to the gym, or I'm driving to the comedy store, or I'm driving to the airport.

01:18:40.000 I fill that up with books on tape.

01:18:42.000 Do you do self-help books?

01:18:43.000 No.

01:18:44.000 No, mostly, like right now, I'm reading The Tipping Point, which is a Malcolm Gladwell book, and I'm also reading Sapiens, which is, who wrote Sapiens?

01:18:55.000 I heard someone read the Tipping Point book to me.

01:18:58.000 Tipping Point is great.

01:18:59.000 It's really great.

01:19:00.000 Really interesting.

01:19:02.000 It is, but I also felt like...

01:19:05.000 Who is it?

01:19:06.000 Yuval Noah Harari.

01:19:08.000 Oh, okay.

01:19:09.000 That's great, too.

01:19:10.000 And also, The Talent Code.

01:19:11.000 Just another book I'm in the middle of.

01:19:12.000 I feel like The Tipping Point...

01:19:13.000 Great book, this book, Sapiens.

01:19:15.000 Fucking fantastic.

01:19:16.000 Sapiens.

01:19:17.000 A Brief History of Humankind.

01:19:19.000 Very enlightening.

01:19:20.000 Oh.

01:19:20.000 Yeah.

01:19:21.000 That Tipping Point, I feel like could have been three sentences long.

01:19:24.000 Yeah, it was a little...

01:19:27.000 You know, I get it after a while.

01:19:30.000 Like, I get it, I get it.

01:19:31.000 Yeah, a bunch of things collide together and anything can happen.

01:19:34.000 And the next thing you know, hush puppies are really popular.

01:19:36.000 My tipping point was Joe Rogan played my Instagram videos.

01:19:41.000 Isn't that crazy?

01:19:42.000 Yeah.

01:19:43.000 That's the only tipping point.

01:19:44.000 That makes me very happy.

01:19:45.000 I love doing that.

01:19:48.000 If you need me to murder someone, you need some favor.

01:19:52.000 I'm good, dude.

01:19:53.000 I'm good.

01:19:54.000 But I'm going to contact you on behalf of Donald Trump to deal with Tom Arnold.

01:19:58.000 Oh, yeah.

01:19:59.000 You really are worried about his life, aren't you?

01:20:02.000 I think Tormonel's going to kill Tormonel before...

01:20:04.000 I think you might be right.

01:20:06.000 I don't know.

01:20:07.000 He's sober now.

01:20:08.000 Take that back.

01:20:09.000 When people do kill themselves, you've got to go, okay, how many times did this person think about this?

01:20:16.000 Yeah.

01:20:16.000 How many times did they get close and they didn't want...

01:20:19.000 I don't have...

01:20:21.000 That in me, you know, I don't know why, whatever it is, maybe it's because I take care of myself, maybe it's genetic, maybe it's because I live a happy life.

01:20:29.000 Basically luck, I don't either, it doesn't pop into my head.

01:20:33.000 I think luck is a big, I think it's a big factor.

01:20:35.000 I have a friend who killed himself and his brother had killed himself before that and everybody loved him and it was just stunning to everybody.

01:20:43.000 Everybody's like, what the fuck?

01:20:45.000 I didn't know him that well, but I knew him well enough to really like him.

01:20:49.000 He's a really, really good guy.

01:20:51.000 Yeah, I mean, people get down.

01:20:52.000 You have to be in so much pain to do that.

01:20:56.000 I don't know what it is.

01:20:58.000 So, you know, a guy like Tom Arnold, who knows, he might be like, he might have tasted the barrel a couple of times and be like, you know what, I'm just gonna fuck it.

01:21:07.000 That wouldn't shock me.

01:21:09.000 He's got a lot of energy.

01:21:12.000 Does he?

01:21:13.000 Tom?

01:21:14.000 From what I've seen, yeah.

01:21:15.000 What have you seen?

01:21:16.000 I played like this game once with him.

01:21:18.000 It was like a big house game, a bunch of people, and he'd just run around and tag things.

01:21:24.000 I never quite figured it out.

01:21:25.000 But man, he was sweating like a pig and running around.

01:21:28.000 This guy's in a drop dead of a heart attack.

01:21:31.000 Yeah.

01:21:32.000 I like that show idea, though.

01:21:33.000 I'm going to check it out.

01:21:35.000 His show?

01:21:36.000 It's not out yet, right?

01:21:37.000 I don't think so.

01:21:38.000 Mm-hmm.

01:21:40.000 What's going on with Vice?

01:21:41.000 Somebody tell me that Vice is going away.

01:21:43.000 It's not going away.

01:21:44.000 The changes are happening.

01:21:46.000 So they hired a new CEO or VP or something so all the programming will probably be changed for the fall.

01:21:52.000 It's weird that it's a whole channel.

01:21:55.000 It's like it's a whole channel.

01:21:57.000 Vice has a channel.

01:21:58.000 I couldn't find it.

01:21:59.000 It saved my life.

01:22:00.000 Yeah, there's too many goddamn channels.

01:22:02.000 I mean, there's like 600 plus channels.

01:22:05.000 You know what's hilarious?

01:22:06.000 I watch a lot of hunting shows and the outdoors shows.

01:22:10.000 They're all like a lot of like really Christian-y people.

01:22:15.000 Like a lot of these hunting outdoors type.

01:22:18.000 Hunting with Christ.

01:22:19.000 Yeah, just want to thank you, Lord, for this opportunity to take down this ram.

01:22:24.000 There's a lot of that.

01:22:25.000 But what's funny is that on DirecTV, there are only two or three channels removed from hardcore porn.

01:22:31.000 So it's like you go through the lineup, you get into the 500s, and it's hardcore porn, hardcore porn, like daddies and stepdaughters and big cocks and small holes.

01:22:45.000 And then right after that, it's like the great outdoors.

01:22:49.000 With Jesus and friends.

01:22:50.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:22:51.000 A lot of landmines.

01:22:52.000 Blessed.

01:22:53.000 Blessed with Mike the Hunter.

01:22:55.000 I'm blessed.

01:22:56.000 I'm out here blessed.

01:22:57.000 This great world and this great country.

01:22:59.000 Blessed.

01:22:59.000 I'll tell you what.

01:23:00.000 Yeah, they have the Scientology channel now.

01:23:06.000 I think it's up there.

01:23:08.000 Nice.

01:23:09.000 500s.

01:23:09.000 Nice.

01:23:10.000 Nice.

01:23:10.000 I did radio once.

01:23:12.000 I'll never forget this.

01:23:13.000 I did this radio show in Denver.

01:23:15.000 And just morning radio before a gig.

01:23:17.000 Like, you know, you do.

01:23:18.000 You promote the gig.

01:23:19.000 Hey, Joe Rogan's going to be at the Comedy Works in Denver here this weekend.

01:23:21.000 And then in the middle of the thing...

01:23:23.000 They go, it's time for our Pledge of Allegiance, ladies and gentlemen.

01:23:26.000 And so I'm sitting there, like, going, what is happening?

01:23:30.000 So there's two, they put their fucking hand on their heart, and they go, I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America, to the Republic, for which is, and they get into it, like, full earnestness, and we're looking at each other, me and I think Ari or Duncan was with me,

01:23:47.000 and we were like, what in the fuck is happening here?

01:23:50.000 Did you go along?

01:23:50.000 Did you play along?

01:23:52.000 Well, I would if it was like a game or something like that.

01:23:57.000 And, you know, stand for the flag.

01:23:58.000 Okay, I'll do that.

01:24:00.000 I don't want to make anybody feel bad.

01:24:01.000 That's not what it was.

01:24:03.000 It was a radio show.

01:24:04.000 You're in the middle of the radio show and you do a Pledge of Allegiance.

01:24:07.000 I'm like, what the fuck is this?

01:24:08.000 Did you stay still?

01:24:10.000 I don't remember what I did.

01:24:11.000 I remember being high as fuck, though.

01:24:15.000 So it made it extra weird.

01:24:17.000 Because whenever I would do those radio shows, we would just meet downstairs.

01:24:20.000 Because, you know, you've got to be at them at 6 o'clock in the morning.

01:24:23.000 You're exhausted.

01:24:24.000 And, you know, you don't necessarily really want to do it.

01:24:27.000 But we would meet downstairs and get bored.

01:24:31.000 And so then it was an adventure.

01:24:33.000 It was like everything was free.

01:24:35.000 The wind was scaring me.

01:24:36.000 I was like, where's the car that's taking us?

01:24:38.000 We get in the car and then we talk to the people and it was always like, alright, to the driver like, okay, who's the biggest dickhead you've ever had to drive?

01:24:45.000 Because there's always like one story about comedians that hated being there.

01:24:49.000 And It was always, you would hear a bunch of them, but like disgruntled, angry people.

01:24:55.000 One of them was always Richard Jennings.

01:24:57.000 Richard Jennings was always grumpy.

01:24:59.000 Yeah, Richard Jennings, because he never wanted to be that guy.

01:25:02.000 He never wanted to be the road.

01:25:04.000 He wanted to be that guy who put together the act that got him the Jerry Seinfeld sitcom.

01:25:08.000 Right.

01:25:09.000 And meanwhile, he was one of the greatest stand-up comedians of all time.

01:25:15.000 I saw him a bunch of times when I was coming up and a bunch of times In clubs and he was a fucking killer.

01:25:22.000 Like one of the most unheralded and underappreciated stand-ups of all time.

01:25:28.000 He's like one of my all-time favorites.

01:25:29.000 But he was bumming me out.

01:25:31.000 I would hear that he was miserable.

01:25:33.000 He didn't want to talk to anybody.

01:25:34.000 I was all bummed out.

01:25:35.000 I was like, oh.

01:25:36.000 I heard that on his death his girlfriend was making pancakes and he blew his face off.

01:25:43.000 He was still alive.

01:25:44.000 He like did it.

01:25:45.000 It went wrong.

01:25:46.000 Oh, Jesus Christ.

01:25:48.000 Not to bring the room down.

01:25:50.000 So he went under the chin?

01:25:52.000 Yeah, I guess that happens more often.

01:25:55.000 You just take the face.

01:25:57.000 Fuck!

01:25:59.000 Taking the face.

01:26:01.000 Jesus Christ.

01:26:03.000 We'll be right back.

01:26:04.000 Yeah, that's another one.

01:26:05.000 Another guy who killed himself.

01:26:06.000 Crazy.

01:26:08.000 That, you know...

01:26:10.000 It's so common.

01:26:12.000 It's so common.

01:26:13.000 It's hard to be a person.

01:26:15.000 We're the first species that knows we're gonna die, very aware of our impending death.

01:26:20.000 That right there, you need to medicate that species.

01:26:22.000 If you looked at a chart of the evolution of monkeys, you go, okay, this first level of primate, we gotta help them out.

01:26:31.000 They're gonna get very religious, which is good, but some of them, we gotta medicate this group.

01:26:36.000 Yeah, they can't handle it on their own.

01:26:38.000 Well, we used to die young.

01:26:40.000 So it was like you wouldn't think about killing yourself because you only live to be 30. Right.

01:26:43.000 And now we have so much more time on our hands.

01:26:45.000 We don't have to work all day to get a meal and then collapse.

01:26:48.000 We're sitting around and we could think about this.

01:26:52.000 Fuck.

01:26:53.000 You see yourself getting older every day.

01:26:55.000 I know.

01:26:56.000 It's happening.

01:26:57.000 It's happening.

01:26:58.000 I love it.

01:26:59.000 You love aging?

01:27:00.000 I love it.

01:27:00.000 What's your favorite part?

01:27:02.000 The pain or the tiredness?

01:27:03.000 I like the pain.

01:27:04.000 I like tired.

01:27:05.000 That's tough.

01:27:07.000 I got some bursitis.

01:27:08.000 That's pretty sweet.

01:27:09.000 Nice.

01:27:10.000 I do like, though, I do feel more comfortable.

01:27:12.000 I'm feeling less anxious in some ways.

01:27:16.000 More or another?

01:27:17.000 I don't know.

01:27:17.000 I guess I'm pretty even, though.

01:27:20.000 Well, you're more aware of things, but then you're also going to be more aware of your impending demise.

01:27:25.000 We don't live long enough.

01:27:27.000 We need to live 500 years.

01:27:29.000 I've thought about that.

01:27:30.000 The first 100 years to fix your childhood stuff.

01:27:33.000 Can you imagine, though, if you did live 500 years, would you be dating a 100-year-old?

01:27:38.000 You'd be like, these fucking 100 year olds don't know shit.

01:27:42.000 I'm sure, yeah.

01:27:44.000 She's hot, but she doesn't know shit.

01:27:45.000 They haven't been around.

01:27:46.000 Do you imagine if you were 500 years old and you were dating a 30 year old?

01:27:50.000 People would be like, what the fuck is wrong with you?

01:27:52.000 You couldn't do it.

01:27:53.000 But why not?

01:27:54.000 She's a grown ass woman.

01:27:55.000 She's 30 years old.

01:27:57.000 That's a grown ass woman.

01:27:58.000 Right.

01:27:58.000 Like a 30 year old could date a 50 year old, could date a 60 year old.

01:28:02.000 And you're like, you better be rich.

01:28:03.000 A 70 year old, like, something better be going on.

01:28:06.000 Yeah.

01:28:07.000 I don't feel like we mature after 25. Myself.

01:28:14.000 Amen.

01:28:15.000 I don't know.

01:28:16.000 But don't you think, though, that there is a certain requirement of a lack of maturity to be funny?

01:28:23.000 To be, like, some of the shit that you did in those videos...

01:28:26.000 A grown-up would not do.

01:28:28.000 You would not do.

01:28:29.000 You know?

01:28:29.000 Like, oh, you hit that retarded kid!

01:28:32.000 When you have Caitlyn driving with a clean record now because Bruce killed that fucking lady.

01:28:38.000 Yeah, baby!

01:28:40.000 I mean, which is...

01:28:41.000 I wonder if that's the case.

01:28:43.000 I don't know what's happening with that case, but the video doesn't look great.

01:28:47.000 I mean, it's an accident, obviously, but...

01:28:50.000 No, it's horrible.

01:28:51.000 That family must be like...

01:28:52.000 To have that happen to them, they lose their loved one, and then to see her just like completely...

01:28:57.000 Traipsing around.

01:28:58.000 Just hero of the year and all that.

01:29:00.000 I've always been a woman.

01:29:00.000 Yeah.

01:29:02.000 It's my turn now, baby.

01:29:04.000 There's a show called Lost in Transition, which I recommend highly.

01:29:08.000 It's people transitioning.

01:29:09.000 And it's a lot of old, you know, people in their 50s and stuff.

01:29:13.000 Wow.

01:29:14.000 Well, that's what's weird about it.

01:29:15.000 It's like, there's a lot of it is people that have kind of given up on sex.

01:29:19.000 They don't even want to have sex anymore.

01:29:21.000 Yeah.

01:29:21.000 Which is one of the things that Caitlin said.

01:29:23.000 Yeah.

01:29:24.000 Like, sex is kind of like, it doesn't matter.

01:29:25.000 Right, right.

01:29:26.000 But then why?

01:29:28.000 Why snippety-snip?

01:29:29.000 I don't know, but they say that they become like teenagers when they do transition.

01:29:35.000 There's like a period where they're feeling this, like how teenage feels, like coming into their own finally.

01:29:40.000 But they're older men, you know, and have this period.

01:29:43.000 And Caitlin, they kind of got caught it on that show a little bit.

01:29:47.000 It's like you're kind of like a new person, I guess you feel like that, and it's time to like...

01:29:53.000 I feel like this is...

01:29:53.000 You remember when we read about George Washington having wooden teeth?

01:29:57.000 Yeah.

01:29:57.000 You ever read about that?

01:29:58.000 Is that not true?

01:29:59.000 Yeah, I'm sure he did.

01:30:00.000 I mean, that's the best they had.

01:30:01.000 But I think you hear about that...

01:30:03.000 If you heard about a guy today that had wooden teeth, you'd be like, what the fuck?

01:30:05.000 Get that guy to a dentist.

01:30:07.000 What the fuck does he do?

01:30:07.000 They have implants.

01:30:08.000 They give him real teeth.

01:30:09.000 This is crazy.

01:30:10.000 I feel like there is going to be a time, maybe not in our lifetimes, but maybe...

01:30:16.000 Shortly after where You know they use crisper or some gene editing material something like that where they can actually turn you into a woman.

01:30:24.000 Oh Well, I mean, once you go through puberty...

01:30:29.000 No.

01:30:29.000 No, no, no.

01:30:30.000 If they can alter your genes...

01:30:31.000 Look, what they can do now, mostly what they're doing now is they're doing work with embryos, and they're planning on altering people from the jump, like from the time they're born.

01:30:43.000 But as that technology gets better...

01:30:46.000 And more effective.

01:30:47.000 They're going to be able to utilize it on regular people.

01:30:49.000 And they've actually started introducing certain genes into people that didn't have them before in order to fix certain ailments or alterations in genes to try to combat certain life-threatening diseases.

01:31:03.000 All these things are on the table.

01:31:05.000 And I think it's just a matter of time before they come up with a technology that allows someone to completely alter their actual sex.

01:31:12.000 Mmm.

01:31:14.000 I have things that alter by myself.

01:31:16.000 What would you change?

01:31:17.000 First, I'd be hot as fuck.

01:31:19.000 Would you be hot in like a nobody likes you way?

01:31:23.000 Yeah.

01:31:23.000 Like Thor.

01:31:27.000 I was on a plane.

01:31:28.000 He came in.

01:31:28.000 He had this big Thor hair and he whipped it back.

01:31:31.000 Whoa.

01:31:32.000 And all of them were like...

01:31:32.000 I was with my girlfriend at the time and I saw her look at me and look at him.

01:31:37.000 She couldn't take it.

01:31:38.000 There's nothing you can do.

01:31:39.000 That recalibrates what you see as good looking.

01:31:43.000 When you see actual...

01:31:44.000 Because his wife was there and she's this model.

01:31:46.000 Because when you see her face every year, you're like, I'm alright looking.

01:31:48.000 But when you see actual gorgeous people...

01:31:50.000 I was staring at them for like 20 minutes, real creepy-like.

01:31:54.000 And then I went to the bathroom and I must have recalibrated.

01:31:57.000 I looked like a monster.

01:31:59.000 As soon as you looked at yourself?

01:32:00.000 Yeah, I was just like, nothing symmetrical.

01:32:02.000 There's just lettuce on my...

01:32:03.000 My hair looked like lettuce.

01:32:08.000 Anyway, yeah, I would not change any personality.

01:32:13.000 I wouldn't make myself a better person.

01:32:15.000 You wouldn't?

01:32:16.000 I would just make myself gorgeous.

01:32:18.000 Because that's all that matters to me, Joe.

01:32:20.000 That's all I care about.

01:32:21.000 Would you be built like the rock?

01:32:23.000 I'd be ripped as shit.

01:32:24.000 I mean, I'm pretty huge right now.

01:32:26.000 What kind of a giant hog would you have on you?

01:32:29.000 I'd probably have a 10-inch hog.

01:32:32.000 Take four inches off my hog right now.

01:32:34.000 When you put it on the table and you hear it?

01:32:37.000 Yeah, I had a nice...

01:32:38.000 Like, what was that, Tommy?

01:32:40.000 Who was the guy pushing the boat horn with his cock?

01:32:44.000 Tommy Lee?

01:32:45.000 Oh, yeah.

01:32:46.000 I got a genetically engineered Tommy Lee cock.

01:32:50.000 Nice.

01:32:50.000 I actually don't care about that.

01:32:53.000 No?

01:32:54.000 I mean, I think if I had something mutated, but...

01:32:57.000 Right.

01:32:57.000 There seems like a zone.

01:32:59.000 As long as you're in that zone, it doesn't matter.

01:33:01.000 Yeah, you don't want to be micropenis.

01:33:03.000 You don't want to be too big that it's...

01:33:05.000 Yeah.

01:33:05.000 You don't want to hurt people.

01:33:07.000 Yeah.

01:33:08.000 I hate having a 12-inch cock because I have to...

01:33:11.000 I can only get the tip in.

01:33:13.000 I get it.

01:33:13.000 It sucks.

01:33:15.000 Especially if you have the tip and it's like a beer can.

01:33:18.000 Yeah.

01:33:19.000 Big old fat boy.

01:33:20.000 Yeah.

01:33:21.000 We're on one of those 500 channels right now.

01:33:24.000 Yeah, this is how it starts.

01:33:26.000 There's quite a lot of those channels still.

01:33:30.000 It's like, don't these people know about the internet?

01:33:31.000 Like, why are you paying $29.99 for this?

01:33:34.000 Yeah.

01:33:34.000 Whatever you're paying.

01:33:35.000 How is that not dead yet?

01:33:37.000 It's probably kids.

01:33:39.000 Their parents aren't looking, and they just rack it up.

01:33:42.000 Or guys who just want 4K in the big screen.

01:33:47.000 Has enough time gone by where we've noticed the effect of online porn?

01:33:52.000 Well, for sure with pubicare.

01:33:57.000 Pubicare vanished.

01:33:58.000 That's true, yeah.

01:33:59.000 I have a bit in my act about it.

01:34:01.000 It's like the best sign of porn's influence in our culture is the absence of pubicare.

01:34:06.000 Like if you had a time machine and you can get scientists from the future and they're studying the time period between 1990 and 2018, the most confusing thing would be what happened to the pubicare because there's no historical record.

01:34:17.000 Nobody discussed it.

01:34:19.000 Interesting.

01:34:19.000 They just started hacking off their pubes.

01:34:21.000 How do you feel about the bald situation?

01:34:23.000 It's normal.

01:34:26.000 It doesn't bother me anymore.

01:34:27.000 But when I was a kid, I mean, when I was young, nobody did anything.

01:34:31.000 It was chaos down there.

01:34:33.000 It was a disaster.

01:34:34.000 It was like you would touch, like when you were going down on a girl or you were fooling around, you put your hand down her pants and you feel it outside the underwear.

01:34:42.000 There was like an afro in there.

01:34:44.000 You had like a covering over like the forest.

01:34:47.000 The buffer.

01:34:48.000 Yeah, it was like somebody threw like...

01:34:50.000 Jackson 5 haircut.

01:34:52.000 Somebody threw a parachute over treetops and you could just touch it.

01:34:57.000 Yeah.

01:34:57.000 I mean, I was an adult when I realized, like, I thought it was just like a Barbie doll.

01:35:03.000 Like, I didn't really know that there was so much going on until...

01:35:07.000 There was a funny moment when I was in high school.

01:35:09.000 There was this girl that I was dating at the time.

01:35:11.000 It was actually right after high school.

01:35:12.000 And she had this guy that she...

01:35:14.000 We had fooled around a bunch of times.

01:35:18.000 Fooled around, don't fool around for a few months.

01:35:20.000 Fooled around, that kind of thing.

01:35:21.000 And she had some boyfriend that she was dating for a while.

01:35:23.000 And this boyfriend apparently got her to shave her pussy.

01:35:26.000 And while we were fooling around, she's like, I can't, I can't.

01:35:29.000 I go, what's the matter?

01:35:29.000 She goes, I can't show you.

01:35:31.000 I go, you can't show me what?

01:35:32.000 And she was like, he made me shave.

01:35:35.000 I go, he made you shave?

01:35:37.000 She goes, I don't want you to see it so embarrassing.

01:35:40.000 I go, I don't give a shit.

01:35:42.000 I go, so you don't have any hair down there.

01:35:44.000 I was like, but it was weird.

01:35:45.000 That's the first time I'd ever seen a shave box.

01:35:47.000 I was like, whoa, look at all this.

01:35:49.000 It was like my beard, right?

01:35:52.000 It was like this, I shaved like three days ago.

01:35:55.000 So it was like that.

01:35:56.000 Yeah.

01:35:57.000 It was like it was coming back, but it was coming back, and she was Italian, so it was just chaos.

01:36:03.000 It was coming back.

01:36:04.000 It was the whole fucking...

01:36:06.000 Women really do.

01:36:08.000 They have to wax that all the time.

01:36:11.000 They have to do everything.

01:36:12.000 They have to shave their feet.

01:36:13.000 They have to shave their legs.

01:36:15.000 They have to shave everything.

01:36:16.000 Everything that's got hair on it.

01:36:18.000 Me Too hasn't hit that area.

01:36:21.000 Well, that's not what it is.

01:36:22.000 Me Too is about sexual harassment and assault.

01:36:25.000 It's not supposed to be about grooming choices.

01:36:28.000 Maybe Me Too is wrong.

01:36:30.000 Me Too should...

01:36:31.000 I hate to shave my legs.

01:36:33.000 Me Too!

01:36:33.000 Your idea of what Me Too is is so ridiculous.

01:36:37.000 I haven't been reading up on Me Too.

01:36:38.000 That's not what Me Too is?

01:36:39.000 You just don't read.

01:36:41.000 What is Me Too?

01:36:42.000 Anything they're upset at?

01:36:43.000 Feminism.

01:36:45.000 I should have said feminism.

01:36:46.000 Well, they went with the armpits.

01:36:48.000 They tried to keep the armpits.

01:36:49.000 Like girls were like keeping the armpits with it.

01:36:52.000 You have to be super extreme and not shave the legs.

01:36:55.000 Yeah.

01:36:55.000 And to let your ass hair just grow wild, you just have to be a reckless person.

01:36:59.000 Yeah.

01:37:00.000 You have to be just careless.

01:37:02.000 You don't care.

01:37:03.000 You're a renegade.

01:37:04.000 You're an outsider.

01:37:05.000 Yeah.

01:37:06.000 Crazy jungle asshole hair.

01:37:08.000 Definitely better to be a man in terms of grooming issues.

01:37:12.000 Oh, 100%.

01:37:13.000 Yeah.

01:37:14.000 You just have to be clean.

01:37:16.000 If your wife said, I'm not shaving anymore, would you have a talk?

01:37:20.000 Would you say, yeah, it's okay.

01:37:21.000 Whatever you want.

01:37:22.000 I would have to figure out a way to get her to play with wax or something like that.

01:37:27.000 Just rip it all off there.

01:37:29.000 Lasers.

01:37:30.000 Play a game with laser tag.

01:37:33.000 Why do you just keep hitting my pussy?

01:37:37.000 Can you imagine if, like, they had, like, that's how they get rid of it, right?

01:37:41.000 There's laser hair removal.

01:37:42.000 But imagine if there was, like, a gun.

01:37:43.000 You could just drive down the street and shoot people's hair off.

01:37:45.000 Pew, pew, pew!

01:37:47.000 I think that's assault.

01:37:48.000 Hey, you like those eyebrows?

01:37:49.000 Pew, pew, pew!

01:37:51.000 Seems very dangerous.

01:37:52.000 Although, shooting a laser beam, that's how you get LASIK surgery.

01:37:55.000 Which sounds insane to me.

01:37:57.000 Is that how they do it?

01:37:58.000 So some of it is they do with a scalpel, an actual scalpel.

01:38:01.000 Oh, I thought they just burned your eyeball with a laser beam.

01:38:03.000 I think some of them they do.

01:38:05.000 I think there's two different ways to do it.

01:38:07.000 I think sometimes they do it with an actual scalpel, like a blade.

01:38:11.000 And I don't know if they think that that's more precise.

01:38:14.000 The only thing I heard about laser beams before LASIK surgery was don't look at a fucking laser beam.

01:38:18.000 Yeah.

01:38:20.000 That's the whole thing.

01:38:21.000 Well, here it goes.

01:38:22.000 Laser pointer burns hole in young boy's eye.

01:38:25.000 Oh, goddammit.

01:38:27.000 It's a story going around.

01:38:28.000 It's a nine-year-old in Greece.

01:38:29.000 Has an actual hole burned into his eyeball.

01:38:32.000 What the fuck?

01:38:33.000 From staring at one of those crazy lasers.

01:38:35.000 Might be one of the new ones that are coming out that, like...

01:38:38.000 I know, like, you know, remember they went crazy in the 90s?

01:38:41.000 Everyone was buying red pointer lasers.

01:38:42.000 Yeah.

01:38:43.000 There's a new version of them that are really high-powered.

01:38:46.000 Oh my god.

01:38:47.000 I think you can light stuff on fire if you're pointing at it long enough.

01:38:50.000 People have lit bongs on fire with them.

01:38:52.000 What?

01:38:52.000 I don't know if it's these crazy ones that this same kid used, but there is a new high level.

01:38:57.000 People are making YouTube videos with them.

01:38:58.000 What the fuck do you do with his eye now?

01:39:00.000 Does he just have a hole in it forever?

01:39:02.000 It says decrease vision.

01:39:04.000 So he just has a hole in his vision forever.

01:39:06.000 Yeah, I guess.

01:39:07.000 He's alright.

01:39:08.000 Doctors found a large macular hole in the retina of his left eye.

01:39:13.000 The child reported playing with a green laser pointer repeatedly gazing into the laser beam, they write.

01:39:18.000 Because of the large size of the hole, the doctors decided on a conservative approach rather than surgery.

01:39:23.000 Fuck.

01:39:25.000 Why are you fucking your eyeballs up when you're a little kid?

01:39:28.000 Because some asshole parent wants to just play with their phone and let that kid shoot laser beams into their eyeballs.

01:39:33.000 Like, hey, who's watching the kid?

01:39:36.000 How did he get the laser?

01:39:37.000 Did he have a job?

01:39:38.000 Did he go to the store and buy it?

01:39:40.000 What the fuck are you doing with your kid?

01:39:42.000 You got kids?

01:39:43.000 Yeah.

01:39:43.000 That scares me.

01:39:45.000 You got to make sure that, you know, they're safe.

01:39:47.000 Yeah, you do.

01:39:48.000 Well, you're 47. If you want to do it, you got to do it soon.

01:39:51.000 No, I got like 30 years.

01:39:53.000 Oh.

01:39:54.000 To figure this out.

01:39:55.000 Well, Trump had one when he was 60. Okay.

01:39:58.000 Barron, he had one when he was like 60, right?

01:40:00.000 Yeah.

01:40:01.000 So you got time.

01:40:02.000 I go back and forth.

01:40:03.000 I don't hear good reviews.

01:40:06.000 It's never like a clean, do it, it's great.

01:40:08.000 It's always, get ready.

01:40:10.000 It's going to change your life.

01:40:13.000 You got to get ready for...

01:40:14.000 Do you have a steady gal?

01:40:15.000 No sleep.

01:40:16.000 Yeah.

01:40:17.000 How long?

01:40:17.000 A year and a half.

01:40:18.000 Oh, that's good.

01:40:19.000 Yeah.

01:40:20.000 Does she want them?

01:40:21.000 Yeah.

01:40:21.000 How old is she?

01:40:23.000 She'll be 28 in August.

01:40:25.000 Nice.

01:40:26.000 Young.

01:40:27.000 I know, it's young.

01:40:28.000 It's a good move.

01:40:29.000 She pursued me.

01:40:31.000 Just get that out there.

01:40:32.000 Keep talking.

01:40:33.000 How did it go?

01:40:34.000 How did it go down on channel 592?

01:40:38.000 I feel like such...

01:40:39.000 I'm sweating.

01:40:42.000 Well, if she wants to have kids, she's still young and fertile.

01:40:45.000 You could probably shoot a live one in there and make a person.

01:40:48.000 Is that the technical term?

01:40:49.000 Yeah.

01:40:50.000 Shoot a live one.

01:40:50.000 If you go to a doctor, that's how you describe it.

01:40:52.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:40:53.000 Hey, when you go in there, Kyle, shoot a live round in there.

01:40:57.000 All right.

01:40:58.000 Like this.

01:41:01.000 Thanks, Doc.

01:41:03.000 Make sure you keep her legs up in the air.

01:41:06.000 You want to make sure it oozes.

01:41:07.000 Get it oozed down there.

01:41:09.000 If she rides on top, your swimmers might not make it up the canal, if you know what I'm saying.

01:41:13.000 Is that a true thing?

01:41:14.000 You gotta lay him back.

01:41:16.000 I don't know.

01:41:16.000 It makes sense.

01:41:18.000 I'd like to have kids.

01:41:19.000 I would someday.

01:41:20.000 Someday.

01:41:21.000 But you don't have someday.

01:41:23.000 When you're 47, you really don't have someday.

01:41:25.000 Because one of the things about autism is a lot of it is connected to the age of the father.

01:41:31.000 It's not just the age of the mother.

01:41:33.000 It's the age of the father.

01:41:35.000 I feel like I've been in a coma.

01:41:37.000 You know that disease where you fall asleep for 20 years and you wake up?

01:41:39.000 That's how I feel.

01:41:40.000 Why?

01:41:41.000 I don't know.

01:41:42.000 I don't know where those years went.

01:41:43.000 I feel like I woke up recently and I'm like, how am I doing?

01:41:48.000 Now, do you think this is because you weren't doing what you wanted to do?

01:41:52.000 Because you were just doing a bunch of other shit and the years just kept piling up?

01:41:57.000 Maybe.

01:41:57.000 I mean, do you feel...

01:41:59.000 I guess maybe kids, you can track your life a little easier.

01:42:02.000 Maybe it's because I didn't have kids.

01:42:03.000 It sort of seems like one chunk that went by fast.

01:42:07.000 The kids you can mark years with your kids.

01:42:10.000 Well, the reality of being a person is, if we really do live to be 80, 90, 100, if you're fucking really lucky, that, if you have $100, it goes quick.

01:42:22.000 You buy a sandwich, you buy a drink, you get some chips, then you go to the movies, and then you don't have enough for dinner.

01:42:31.000 Yeah.

01:42:31.000 You know, it's like a dollar here, a dollar there.

01:42:34.000 A year is not that long.

01:42:36.000 It's 365 days.

01:42:37.000 It happens so quick.

01:42:38.000 The next thing you know, it's two years, and then it's five years, and then 10 years later, and then 30 years later, and then...

01:42:46.000 Oh, you gotta get your hip replaced, huh?

01:42:48.000 Whoa, what are you gonna do?

01:42:50.000 You're saying, I gotta get my shit in order.

01:42:52.000 That's what you're telling me right here.

01:42:53.000 You're giving me tough love.

01:42:54.000 I think you've already done that.

01:42:55.000 You're getting your shit in order, right?

01:42:57.000 I mean, I think what you did with starting this Instagram page, like deciding that you can't keep this gig anymore, is very brave and smart.

01:43:06.000 You realized it.

01:43:07.000 I appreciate that.

01:43:08.000 I don't feel like it's brave.

01:43:09.000 I feel like it was like that fear and not being able to sleep and I was forced.

01:43:15.000 That's how it feels.

01:43:16.000 Well, it's probably whatever the fuck it is, your body, the fate of the universe, whatever it is, just telling you, like, you're not, you can't do this anymore.

01:43:27.000 You can't, you know, and you just listen to it.

01:43:30.000 Some people don't ever listen, man.

01:43:31.000 They just start medicating themselves.

01:43:33.000 Yeah.

01:43:33.000 And they just drone out.

01:43:35.000 They take SSRIs and they just show up and they just get, everything becomes like a dull medium.

01:43:42.000 And they just keep doing it over and over and over again.

01:43:45.000 Yeah.

01:43:46.000 I am glad.

01:43:47.000 I feel right now really thankful.

01:43:52.000 And just to have being able to do shows, people coming out, it's just, you know, for years it was like up and down all over the place.

01:44:04.000 And now I feel like I do have some kind of following that I can directly contact.

01:44:08.000 Yeah.

01:44:08.000 No, you definitely do.

01:44:10.000 And it's going to keep growing.

01:44:11.000 I mean, you keep putting out the videos like you're putting out, it's going to keep growing.

01:44:14.000 There's no way around it.

01:44:16.000 It's great.

01:44:18.000 Look, we have so many different avenues now that didn't exist before.

01:44:22.000 And one of the things that I think is really cool about today versus when I started, I started in 88. Is that there's not like a competitiveness with comedians.

01:44:34.000 Instead, there's like a hyper-supportiveness.

01:44:37.000 Everybody's quick to tell you about people who are really good.

01:44:40.000 Everybody wants everybody to know.

01:44:42.000 There's no famine anymore.

01:44:44.000 Because I think before, when there was only one Tonight Show or one Letterman and there was a sitcom and everybody was scrambling for...

01:44:51.000 You want to get Thursday night at 8 o'clock on NBC? That's where the friend spot is.

01:44:55.000 Everybody wanted to get in the right spot.

01:44:57.000 And there's not that anymore.

01:44:59.000 That's an interesting point.

01:45:01.000 I hadn't thought of that.

01:45:02.000 Yeah, now it's like everybody has a YouTube channel or a Twitter page or an Instagram thing or a podcast.

01:45:09.000 They're all doing their own thing.

01:45:11.000 And instead of...

01:45:14.000 Being competitive with other comedians, everybody has everybody on their shows.

01:45:18.000 All these guys that are top podcasters, we all do everybody's show.

01:45:24.000 I'm always doing...

01:45:25.000 Either Joey does my show, or I'll do his show, or I'll do Tom's show, or he'll do my show, or I'll do Duncan's show, or he'll do my...

01:45:32.000 It's constant back and forth, and everybody's supportive.

01:45:35.000 It's because it doesn't hurt anybody.

01:45:37.000 It just helps.

01:45:38.000 And the more...

01:45:39.000 If I... If I tell people, you gotta check out Kyle Dunnigan's Instagram page, they're gonna go, and they're gonna say, he's right!

01:45:47.000 Ah, this is hilarious!

01:45:48.000 So it's good for everybody.

01:45:49.000 It's good for me, because they know that I'm not gonna bullshit them, and it's good for anybody else, too.

01:45:56.000 And it's also good for me, because I want you to do really great, because I want more of those funny videos to watch.

01:46:02.000 It's good for everybody.

01:46:04.000 I feel like giving you cash.

01:46:05.000 Ah!

01:46:07.000 Luckily.

01:46:08.000 Just keep taking dives and pool.

01:46:11.000 Was I? Oh, yeah.

01:46:13.000 I took a real dive.

01:46:14.000 I was trying really hard.

01:46:17.000 It's a hard game.

01:46:18.000 It's been a while since I played.

01:46:20.000 That's my...

01:46:21.000 Yeah, it's one of those games.

01:46:22.000 You're not supposed to take time off of that fucking stupid game.

01:46:26.000 That's a game that you have to play every day.

01:46:28.000 Alright, well, we'll play again.

01:46:30.000 Play in a year.

01:46:31.000 Okay.

01:46:32.000 Practice up.

01:46:33.000 Maybe after the show, you'll play better.

01:46:35.000 Because you'll be thinking about what you did wrong.

01:46:37.000 No, I definitely...

01:46:39.000 Yeah, it was rusty there.

01:46:42.000 Do you have, like, an ultimate goal?

01:46:43.000 What you want to do?

01:46:44.000 With pool?

01:46:45.000 With stand-up?

01:46:46.000 What was your career now that you've got momentum?

01:46:51.000 I'd love to just build the audience and just do bigger venues so I don't have to travel so much.

01:47:00.000 I'd like to just have a life and be able to do...

01:47:04.000 Like weekend gigs and then come back.

01:47:07.000 Yeah, and have enough money to be comfortable.

01:47:09.000 Yeah, those Thursday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday weeks that a lot of people do.

01:47:14.000 People don't realize you're alone for 23 hours, then you have too much attention for an hour, then you're alone for 23 hours.

01:47:23.000 If you don't have the right mindset to go out and do stuff and go to the gym, if you're a hermit, you're in real trouble mentally.

01:47:31.000 Yeah, and a lot of people do.

01:47:32.000 I think that's what Richard Jenny did.

01:47:34.000 Yeah.

01:47:35.000 You know, a lot of people do wind up hermiting.

01:47:38.000 Yeah, I always make sure that I exercise and always make sure I do something.

01:47:44.000 Go out, do something.

01:47:45.000 It makes a giant difference.

01:47:47.000 Yeah.

01:47:47.000 You just feel way better.

01:47:48.000 Yeah.

01:47:49.000 I feel like a person.

01:47:50.000 I need a routine.

01:47:51.000 Without having a boss or a job, I need a routine.

01:47:54.000 When you go on the road, do you bring somebody with you?

01:47:56.000 Like an opening act?

01:47:57.000 I can't really afford it at this point.

01:47:59.000 That's another thing.

01:48:00.000 When you get a bigger audience, you can bring friends.

01:48:03.000 Yeah.

01:48:03.000 Right now, I just...

01:48:04.000 I jog there.

01:48:07.000 I ride my bike there by myself.

01:48:09.000 Do you have a basket where you put all your stuff?

01:48:11.000 Mm-hmm.

01:48:12.000 Front basket.

01:48:12.000 A little ding-ding.

01:48:14.000 I started bringing people on the road a long time ago, because I had a couple of gigs that I did, and the local guys were so terrible, and it made it so much more excruciating.

01:48:25.000 Oh, absolutely.

01:48:26.000 Because you've got to sit through...

01:48:27.000 This thing about watching someone who just has no idea what the fuck they're doing is...

01:48:32.000 That's brutal.

01:48:32.000 And after it's over, you're convinced nothing's funny.

01:48:35.000 There's nothing funny.

01:48:36.000 Yeah, you hate stand-up as a genre.

01:48:38.000 You're like, it can't be funny.

01:48:39.000 Nothing can be funny.

01:48:40.000 This isn't funny.

01:48:41.000 Nothing's funny.

01:48:41.000 Yeah.

01:48:43.000 It's not funny.

01:48:43.000 I had a great middle guy, luckily, in the last thing I did.

01:48:47.000 Oh, that's great.

01:48:48.000 Where were you?

01:48:49.000 The American Comedy?

01:48:51.000 Oh, San Diego.

01:48:53.000 Yes.

01:48:53.000 Great gig.

01:48:54.000 Great.

01:48:55.000 It's a fun gig.

01:48:55.000 Nice audience.

01:48:56.000 It's a fun little area, too, right?

01:48:58.000 Oh, yeah.

01:48:59.000 A lot of drunks.

01:49:00.000 Awesome.

01:49:01.000 If you're looking for a gal who's perhaps a little liquored up, it's a good place for you.

01:49:06.000 I love San Diego, period.

01:49:08.000 I could live down there.

01:49:09.000 I think it's voted the number one city to live in.

01:49:11.000 It's a fucking great place, because it's like a city, but it's not too big.

01:49:15.000 It has a little bit of traffic, but it's not crazy.

01:49:17.000 Perfect weather.

01:49:18.000 Beach, if you want it.

01:49:20.000 Yeah, and it has everything.

01:49:21.000 It's got restaurants.

01:49:22.000 People are cool.

01:49:24.000 Also, the military's there.

01:49:25.000 It's never gonna get attacked.

01:49:27.000 Well...

01:49:27.000 Maybe it is.

01:49:28.000 I mean, Pearl Harbor.

01:49:30.000 That's right.

01:49:31.000 Great cocaine.

01:49:32.000 You can get great cocaine there.

01:49:33.000 Are you sure?

01:49:34.000 Where are you getting it?

01:49:35.000 From Phil?

01:49:36.000 That's not what I hear.

01:49:37.000 Oh, Phil.

01:49:38.000 That guy's an asshole.

01:49:40.000 I gotta try psychedelics.

01:49:43.000 Because I've never done them.

01:49:44.000 But you smoke pot.

01:49:46.000 Smoke pot.

01:49:46.000 I eat it at night.

01:49:48.000 Helps me sleep.

01:49:50.000 Do you ever try those sprays?

01:49:52.000 Like Jumbo breath sprays?

01:49:55.000 No.

01:49:55.000 Marijuana sprays?

01:49:56.000 I wish I knew.

01:49:57.000 I would have brought some for you.

01:49:59.000 It's the way to go.

01:50:01.000 Are you going to get free sprays now?

01:50:02.000 No.

01:50:03.000 Because you mentioned it?

01:50:03.000 No, I'd buy them.

01:50:04.000 Do you ever do that?

01:50:05.000 I would do that.

01:50:06.000 No.

01:50:06.000 Like, boy, I love, you know, Reebok sneakers.

01:50:09.000 And then nobody sends you those.

01:50:12.000 It's easier to just buy them.

01:50:13.000 People send you stuff, I bet, a lot.

01:50:15.000 They do.

01:50:15.000 Too much stuff.

01:50:16.000 I know, isn't it?

01:50:17.000 Shit I don't want.

01:50:18.000 It's like the...

01:50:20.000 You know, you probably want them just to send that to, like, a homeless person or something.

01:50:24.000 Well, I just don't want them to send it to me.

01:50:26.000 Yeah.

01:50:26.000 You know?

01:50:28.000 We could work out a thing where you give it to me.

01:50:30.000 Okay.

01:50:31.000 And then don't worry about it.

01:50:32.000 And then you'll just have, like, fucking Kanye wear it in one of your bits.

01:50:35.000 Yeah.

01:50:36.000 400, like, monster drink cases.

01:50:39.000 He's holding it just inconspicuously as he talks.

01:50:42.000 Oh, that's what I could do.

01:50:44.000 Monetize.

01:50:45.000 Product placement.

01:50:48.000 I'm not gonna monetize.

01:50:49.000 I'd like to, like, keep it.

01:50:51.000 I mean, we're joking, but like...

01:50:52.000 Have Caitlyn just drinking monster drinks.

01:50:54.000 These are fantastic!

01:50:56.000 They give me so much energy.

01:50:58.000 Ever since I chopped my nads off, I've been kinda slow.

01:51:01.000 What I wouldn't chop off is this.

01:51:04.000 I wonder if that does happen.

01:51:05.000 That happened to my dog.

01:51:07.000 I got him fixed, and he became very listless.

01:51:09.000 Oh, really?

01:51:10.000 He was like, what's the point?

01:51:11.000 Oh, no.

01:51:12.000 What's the point, man?

01:51:14.000 How old's your dog?

01:51:15.000 Well, he was, at the time, he was five.

01:51:18.000 When I got his...

01:51:19.000 When I got his...

01:51:23.000 Yeah.

01:51:25.000 Got him a little snippy.

01:51:26.000 I got a tiny dog, which isn't a great look for a man, but...

01:51:29.000 What kind of dog?

01:51:30.000 Love it.

01:51:31.000 It's a pug-chihuahua mix.

01:51:32.000 Aww.

01:51:33.000 The way I talk to my dog is...

01:51:35.000 It's offensive to me as a man.

01:51:38.000 Like, I don't tell myself...

01:51:40.000 I don't give my permission...

01:51:43.000 Like, my dog was licking her paws, and this just came out of me.

01:51:45.000 I went...

01:51:46.000 Are you licking your stinkies?

01:51:48.000 Stinkies?

01:51:49.000 That came out of it.

01:51:49.000 I'm a grown man.

01:51:51.000 I didn't say like, oh, let me ask her if she's licking her stinkies.

01:51:55.000 But why stinkies?

01:51:56.000 I don't know.

01:51:56.000 It wasn't even stinkies.

01:51:57.000 It was like tinkies.

01:51:58.000 I was like, are you licking your tinkies?

01:51:59.000 Have you called them tinkies before?

01:52:01.000 No, it just came out of me.

01:52:03.000 But then I was like, maybe this is me.

01:52:06.000 Because I'm alone with my dog.

01:52:07.000 Maybe I talk like this.

01:52:08.000 Maybe this is my truth.

01:52:10.000 I have a dog that's about to die.

01:52:13.000 I have one of my one of my dogs is 13. He's a Mastiff and he's it's really bad.

01:52:19.000 He can't walk anymore It takes like for him to come in to eat.

01:52:24.000 It takes several minutes Several minutes of him walking, you know five six yards It's like we adopt these terminally ill children, because you get attached to them, like you're kids, and you wouldn't adopt a kid who's going to die at 14. Well,

01:52:39.000 I have him, and I have another dog who's also very old, who's a Shibu Inu English Bulldog mix.

01:52:45.000 He's a little bit better, but he's...

01:52:47.000 He's not gonna make it very much longer either.

01:52:49.000 He's got real problems walking as well.

01:52:53.000 But then I have Marshall, who's a year and six months, and he's a golden retriever.

01:52:59.000 He's the total opposite.

01:53:00.000 He just fucking leaps into the pool, and he runs around the pool in circles, and he goes running with me in the hills, and he's a fucking, just a ball of energy and love and happiness.

01:53:11.000 And you just get to see him at this stage, and I'm like, damn, one day Marshall's gonna be 13. I'm gonna see Marshall Like these dogs, it's gonna be just a giant struggle.

01:53:21.000 It's harsh.

01:53:22.000 It's really hard.

01:53:23.000 I mean...

01:53:23.000 It's fucking hard, man.

01:53:25.000 I don't know what it's like to have kids, but I feel like very...

01:53:28.000 I get really attached to my dogs.

01:53:30.000 Yeah.

01:53:31.000 Yeah, it's that times a million.

01:53:34.000 With kids, it's that times a million.

01:53:36.000 One of the things that changed with me is the way I look at people.

01:53:41.000 Because I always considered people just, you know, I meet you, you're 47. I just think, well, Kyle's 47. That's what he is.

01:53:47.000 But I didn't know you when you were two.

01:53:50.000 And now when I meet people, and I meet people like, I meet some old asshole.

01:53:54.000 I'm like, that old dickhead.

01:53:56.000 He used to be a little baby.

01:53:57.000 Oh.

01:53:58.000 He was a baby.

01:53:59.000 Yeah.

01:53:59.000 And he became this old dickhead.

01:54:01.000 Like, how did this happen?

01:54:03.000 Like, what went wrong?

01:54:05.000 And I'm so much more compassionate.

01:54:08.000 I'm so much more...

01:54:10.000 I care about people so much more.

01:54:12.000 And I care about...

01:54:12.000 I think...

01:54:13.000 I give them more of a break.

01:54:15.000 I give people way more of a break.

01:54:17.000 And I notice this is something that...

01:54:19.000 I don't see as much in single guys who don't have children.

01:54:27.000 There's something about it that the world is dog-eat-dog.

01:54:30.000 You're competing for your career.

01:54:32.000 You're competing for love interests.

01:54:35.000 You're competing for this and that.

01:54:37.000 And everybody's like, fuck that guy and fuck him.

01:54:40.000 Nobody looks at people and goes, oh, that could have been my son.

01:54:44.000 That's a little baby that became this weirdo 28-year-old man.

01:54:49.000 That's one thing I hear about having kids that is very attractive to me, that it does shift your perspective and gives this whole new view on life.

01:54:59.000 Massively.

01:54:59.000 Changed who I am.

01:55:00.000 Changed who I am and permanently.

01:55:03.000 You scared me about that autistic thing, though, really bad.

01:55:06.000 Well, it's real, you know?

01:55:09.000 There's a correlation.

01:55:10.000 There's a correlation between older men and higher instances of autism.

01:55:15.000 You got the percentages?

01:55:16.000 You got some statistics for me?

01:55:18.000 Oh, it's right here for you.

01:55:19.000 Great.

01:55:19.000 I mean, look, a lot of people do it and they're fine.

01:55:23.000 And it's going to help for sure that your gal's young.

01:55:26.000 She's not even 30. Yeah.

01:55:29.000 Shoot a live one down there.

01:55:30.000 Yeah, baby.

01:55:31.000 One right down the old tube.

01:55:33.000 Right there.

01:55:35.000 Just get to two years.

01:55:36.000 Get to two years.

01:55:37.000 You guys have been together a year and a half?

01:55:39.000 Oh, yeah.

01:55:39.000 Yeah, make it to two years.

01:55:40.000 Almost.

01:55:41.000 Well, yeah.

01:55:42.000 When you hit two, remove the goalie.

01:55:45.000 Oh.

01:55:45.000 And start shooting pucks.

01:55:47.000 Bam, bam, bam from the free throw line.

01:55:53.000 Woo!

01:55:55.000 Yeah, it seems like an important life experience to have.

01:56:00.000 It is.

01:56:00.000 And it's not for everybody.

01:56:02.000 And one of the things that used to drive me crazy when I was single is people would say, you know, you have to have kids.

01:56:08.000 You don't have kids.

01:56:08.000 You're not living a normal life.

01:56:10.000 That's crazy.

01:56:11.000 That's so stupid.

01:56:13.000 That is such a...

01:56:14.000 Like, the idea that you can't be a complete human being unless you recreate...

01:56:20.000 Recreate.

01:56:21.000 What's the word I'm looking for?

01:56:22.000 Reproduce.

01:56:23.000 How come that word wouldn't come out?

01:56:25.000 It's not that far off though, recreate another me.

01:56:29.000 But why wasn't reproduce like right there?

01:56:32.000 I was having trouble with anecdote, don't worry.

01:56:34.000 Yeah, antidote, anecdote, but those are super close.

01:56:39.000 But you can be a fucking completely fulfilled person and never get married and never have a kid.

01:56:45.000 You just have to have good friends and enjoy what you do.

01:56:48.000 There's nothing wrong with that.

01:56:50.000 So I used to drive me crazy.

01:56:52.000 It's a little what?

01:56:53.000 I just remember being a kid and my uncle wasn't married or had kids and I was always like, huh?

01:56:59.000 What's up with him?

01:57:00.000 Smart.

01:57:01.000 What's up with that guy?

01:57:02.000 He's partying.

01:57:03.000 He's going the Bill Maher route.

01:57:06.000 Do you people...

01:57:07.000 Was that getting me into Bill Maher?

01:57:08.000 Do you have a Bill Maher character?

01:57:10.000 Do you people?

01:57:10.000 Yeah, I do Bill Maher.

01:57:11.000 Oh, you do.

01:57:11.000 That's right, you do.

01:57:12.000 I saw you did...

01:57:13.000 You're one of those people.

01:57:14.000 Who thinks you're one of those people?

01:57:16.000 You're not.

01:57:16.000 Okay.

01:57:18.000 Okay, you don't.

01:57:19.000 You're wrong.

01:57:20.000 You people.

01:57:22.000 There's no God.

01:57:23.000 Okay?

01:57:24.000 And if you think there is...

01:57:26.000 He's very like...

01:57:27.000 I know everything.

01:57:30.000 I kind of do agree with a lot of what he says.

01:57:34.000 Yeah, he's a smart guy.

01:57:35.000 That show's a weird show.

01:57:37.000 Everybody talking over each other.

01:57:38.000 Five people on a panel.

01:57:40.000 Whatever it is.

01:57:41.000 Four.

01:57:42.000 Whatever the fuck.

01:57:43.000 So many people.

01:57:43.000 Did you see the Ben Affleck one?

01:57:46.000 Yes, with Sam Harris.

01:57:48.000 Sam's a friend of mine.

01:57:49.000 I love Sam.

01:57:49.000 I love Sam too.

01:57:50.000 That was hilarious.

01:57:51.000 I think Ben Affleck was roided up.

01:57:54.000 Oh, because of Batman.

01:57:56.000 That's right.

01:57:57.000 I really did.

01:57:57.000 He had that energy.

01:57:58.000 Well, he also was kind of red and thick.

01:58:01.000 Yeah.

01:58:01.000 His neck was thick.

01:58:02.000 Listen, when you're 40, whatever the fuck age he is, and you want to pack on that kind of muscles, there's only one way to tell you.

01:58:12.000 You gotta fucking take that plunger.

01:58:14.000 Get a prick poop shoot.

01:58:16.000 Yeah.

01:58:16.000 That's what I think.

01:58:17.000 I think he was juiced up.

01:58:18.000 And I think he just was hyper-aggressive, virtue signaling, and really didn't even know what the fuck he was talking about.

01:58:24.000 And clearly picked the wrong guy.

01:58:27.000 Oh my god.

01:58:28.000 I would never argue with Sam Harris.

01:58:31.000 I think about it.

01:58:32.000 I think the fact that he can't be president really pisses me off.

01:58:35.000 Why can't he be?

01:58:35.000 I want a guy who's smarter than me.

01:58:37.000 Well, he could be president.

01:58:39.000 For sure.

01:58:39.000 I don't think he wants to be.

01:58:40.000 I don't think he can being an atheist.

01:58:42.000 Maybe not.

01:58:43.000 It's like, I don't get this whole thing of like, I want to vote for this guy.

01:58:48.000 I can relate to him.

01:58:49.000 He's like me.

01:58:50.000 I don't want a guy like me.

01:58:51.000 Right.

01:58:52.000 It's like wanting a babysitter.

01:58:53.000 I want a babysitter.

01:58:54.000 I want someone who's...

01:58:55.000 Superior.

01:58:56.000 Exactly.

01:58:57.000 Smarter.

01:58:58.000 I mean, he's very meditative, Sam, and calm.

01:59:02.000 I firmly believe no one should be president.

01:59:04.000 I think there should be a council of wise people.

01:59:07.000 I love that idea.

01:59:09.000 Yeah.

01:59:09.000 Like the Jedi Council.

01:59:10.000 Like fucking eight people or something.

01:59:12.000 Just really, really smart people that have, you know, have...

01:59:15.000 I know.

01:59:15.000 And I think they should all have had to do mushrooms.

01:59:17.000 All of them.

01:59:18.000 Well, I don't know about that.

01:59:19.000 All have to do psychedelic experiences.

01:59:21.000 All of them...

01:59:22.000 They should be high.

01:59:23.000 Not do mushrooms while they're on the job, but have in the past where they understand there's more to life than this thing.

01:59:29.000 That's part of the platform.

01:59:31.000 The person needs to be like, I did try mushrooms.

01:59:34.000 Didn't just try.

01:59:35.000 And they've got your vote.

01:59:35.000 No, you gotta...

01:59:36.000 Oh, do a lot.

01:59:37.000 Deep.

01:59:37.000 You gotta take the heroic dose.

01:59:39.000 Okay.

01:59:40.000 Yeah.

01:59:41.000 Yeah, I love that idea.

01:59:42.000 A little think tank.

01:59:43.000 Yeah, eight people.

01:59:44.000 Super wise people.

01:59:45.000 I don't really think the mushroom thing is necessary.

01:59:48.000 But considerate, wise, objective people that care and have a deep sense of responsibility to sort of...

02:00:03.000 Guide our country in the best way possible, rather than for their own interests.

02:00:07.000 Exactly.

02:00:08.000 I put Neil deGrasse Tyson on this board, too.

02:00:10.000 He'll be great.

02:00:11.000 Well, he'll be great for some sort of a role as a science educator in the government anyways.

02:00:16.000 What's great about Neil is he's one of the first guys in our lifetime that made science fun, made astrophysics interesting.

02:00:26.000 He's so enthusiastic.

02:00:28.000 He's a great guy.

02:00:29.000 I fucking love that guy.

02:00:31.000 If we have aliens, we've got to send one guy to aliens.

02:00:34.000 Send Neil deGrasse Tyson.

02:00:36.000 Well, he's also...

02:00:37.000 Even though he'll be talking to someone who is...

02:00:44.000 Doesn't really understand what he's saying.

02:00:46.000 He's not an elitist.

02:00:47.000 Exactly.

02:00:48.000 The way he argues, he's caring about the person and kind of guiding him.

02:00:53.000 He's a master at it.

02:00:54.000 He's a really likable guy.

02:00:56.000 But he is like that all the time.

02:00:58.000 He's like that when the camera's off.

02:01:01.000 He's just a great guy.

02:01:02.000 And one quality he has that rarely does someone who's really smart have is he's a big laugher.

02:01:07.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

02:01:09.000 Yeah.

02:01:09.000 It's like a perfect human.

02:01:11.000 No, he's a fun guy.

02:01:11.000 You know, he used to be a wrestler.

02:01:12.000 Talking about mushrooms.

02:01:13.000 Huh?

02:01:13.000 He used to be a wrestler.

02:01:15.000 Really?

02:01:15.000 Yeah, he wrestled in high school.

02:01:17.000 He was jacked.

02:01:17.000 Oh, yeah, he was kind of built like that?

02:01:18.000 Yeah.

02:01:19.000 I think he wrestled in college, too.

02:01:20.000 He was jacked.

02:01:22.000 Like, fucking jacked.

02:01:23.000 Yeah.

02:01:24.000 He's an all-around quality human.

02:01:27.000 Yes.

02:01:28.000 Sam Harris, too, the way he argues just stays calm.

02:01:30.000 Mm-hmm.

02:01:32.000 Well, he doesn't argue about things he doesn't understand either.

02:01:34.000 You know, like, if Sam has a conversation and, say, like, he's having a conversation with someone about whatever the fuck it is, some discipline that's outside of his realm, and then, you know, he'll ask questions.

02:01:49.000 He's not a know-it-all.

02:01:51.000 That's how you learn.

02:01:52.000 People forget.

02:01:53.000 But if he's talking to you about something and he's arguing, it's because he understands what he's talking about.

02:01:57.000 That's a rare quality, man.

02:01:59.000 There's so many people that want to argue about shit that they really don't even understand.

02:02:03.000 I don't think there's anything wrong with discussing things that you really don't understand, to try to understand them, especially if you're doing it in a casual conversation or even a podcast.

02:02:13.000 But there's a lot of fucking people that argue shit and they're just trying to win.

02:02:18.000 They're just trying to score points.

02:02:20.000 They're not really talking.

02:02:22.000 You get a lot of that, right?

02:02:24.000 I do it a lot.

02:02:27.000 But I'm more aware of it watching people who don't do it.

02:02:31.000 You learn...

02:02:33.000 It's a normal thing.

02:02:34.000 You get caught up in your idea and then you want your idea to be right.

02:02:37.000 And then you kind of like chase down all the evidence that would show that your idea is right.

02:02:42.000 You see this all the time when someone gets accused of something and we don't know exactly what happened.

02:02:48.000 You see the groups of people that automatically want to think that person is guilty and automatically have a preconceived idea of what went down and how it went down, regardless of what the other person said.

02:02:59.000 They only want to look at it one way.

02:03:01.000 It just gets real weird with people.

02:03:04.000 It's harder now with all the information.

02:03:06.000 You have to be a little more...

02:03:08.000 You know what?

02:03:11.000 Hashtag fake news?

02:03:12.000 Hashtag, hashtag...

02:03:13.000 I'll come back.

02:03:15.000 I'll get smarter and come back.

02:03:16.000 What kind of smart?

02:03:17.000 You gonna get book smart?

02:03:18.000 I'm gonna get Sam Harris, Neil deGrasse Tyson smart.

02:03:21.000 If I gave you a pill, and the pill would make you super smart, but you wouldn't be funny anymore, would you take it?

02:03:27.000 Would I be happy?

02:03:30.000 That's a good question.

02:03:31.000 No one can decide whether or not you're going to be happy but you.

02:03:33.000 What am I going to do with...

02:03:35.000 That's up to you, Kyle Dunnigan.

02:03:37.000 I don't think I'd take it.

02:03:38.000 I think there's some torture and...

02:03:40.000 Would you stay stupid and funny?

02:03:41.000 I never said, hey!

02:03:42.000 No one's not stupid.

02:03:44.000 Would you stay half retarded and funny like you are now?

02:03:46.000 I did get very little oxygen when I was born.

02:03:48.000 I was purple and they were like, this one might come out a little goofy.

02:03:52.000 We have to wait and see if he starts talking.

02:03:53.000 And then I started talking like, oh, he's alright.

02:03:56.000 Really?

02:03:56.000 But I have a theory that I was born a genius, got a little retarded, and now I'm kind of normal.

02:04:03.000 It's just a theory, but a retarded genius came up with it.

02:04:07.000 Might not be a bad theory.

02:04:08.000 I mean, what a roll of the dice, whether you're born super smart or not.

02:04:14.000 It's a roll of the dice.

02:04:15.000 Oh, everything is.

02:04:16.000 There's some people that just have better brains.

02:04:18.000 Yeah.

02:04:19.000 There's some people that are just really good at math.

02:04:20.000 I used to have a friend, my friend Johnny, you could just yell out math problems to him.

02:04:25.000 Yeah.

02:04:26.000 You know, like five times five, minus six, divided by seven, multiplied by a hundred, divided by three, and he would go 16. What the fuck and like someone would be sitting next to him with a calculator and they would like try to keep up He could do it as fast as someone could type it in with a calculator.

02:04:42.000 Yeah, it was bizarre and useless talent Calculators asshole Bummer you weren't born 200 years ago.

02:04:50.000 Batteries are everywhere We need you My phone is a calculator Not to bring up Sam Harris again, but that whole free will book.

02:05:05.000 That kind of...

02:05:06.000 That's a mindfuck.

02:05:07.000 It really is, because your mind doesn't want to believe it.

02:05:11.000 It's like not believing in heaven.

02:05:14.000 You want to believe it.

02:05:15.000 It's hard to...

02:05:17.000 It's just hard, but there's definitely so much luck involved in who your parents were, how you were raised.

02:05:23.000 Life experiences, for sure.

02:05:24.000 You know, whether or not you've ever been attacked, assaulted, robbed, whether you've been in an accident, or you got gravely injured.

02:05:33.000 There's so many variables that are just fortunate.

02:05:36.000 Just luck.

02:05:37.000 Yeah, there's so many...

02:05:38.000 Or someone danced with you.

02:05:39.000 Yeah, and you got a bonehead.

02:05:41.000 Your mom was at a wedding.

02:05:43.000 Whatever.

02:05:44.000 Yeah, there's...

02:05:45.000 There's so many things that you just fucking luck.

02:05:48.000 Well, look, we're all lucky we're here.

02:05:49.000 We weren't born in the jungle of Guatemala somewhere.

02:05:52.000 Absolutely.

02:05:53.000 Yeah, we're just lucky.

02:05:54.000 I mean, you won a huge, won a trillion lottery to be born.

02:05:58.000 Yeah.

02:05:58.000 And then to be born in the U.S. at this time where we have air conditioning and GPS. Jesus.

02:06:03.000 Why don't we revere science more?

02:06:04.000 If there's a God, he's saying, I'm rewarding you every time you listen to science.

02:06:09.000 And yet, so much of religion is against science.

02:06:13.000 I don't know.

02:06:14.000 Look, I don't know.

02:06:15.000 Because science is saying, hey, nobody comes back from the dead after three days.

02:06:20.000 Hey, people can't really walk on water.

02:06:22.000 Hey, why did he turn water into wine?

02:06:24.000 Why didn't he just make wine?

02:06:26.000 He's fucking magic.

02:06:29.000 I never thought of that.

02:06:32.000 Stop with the magic trick, bro.

02:06:34.000 We're trying to get fucked up.

02:06:35.000 Just make us some wine.

02:06:36.000 Hey, I'm tired of wine.

02:06:37.000 You got any whiskey in that?

02:06:38.000 In those magic robes?

02:06:40.000 Yeah, the miracles were sort of like...

02:06:42.000 Stupid.

02:06:43.000 They're fucking parlor tricks.

02:06:44.000 His miracles are horrible.

02:06:46.000 You know what was the best?

02:06:47.000 There was a thing back in the 80s called the Power Team for Jesus.

02:06:51.000 And what they were was these dudes that would do like feats of strength for Jesus.

02:06:56.000 Like they would fucking break bricks with their head.

02:07:00.000 They would rip phone books in half.

02:07:02.000 They would lift up heavy weights and do it for Jesus.

02:07:04.000 Wow.

02:07:05.000 Like Jesus gave them the power.

02:07:06.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

02:07:07.000 But it was also like, hey, dude, Jesus is...

02:07:10.000 He's magic.

02:07:11.000 He's got magic.

02:07:12.000 Like, he's not going to be impressed by you breaking a board with your extra thick skull, you fucking idiot.

02:07:17.000 Wow, look at one of my children down there.

02:07:20.000 You never heard of them?

02:07:21.000 No, I... Dude, I used to watch them all the time.

02:07:23.000 They were on, like, this religious channel.

02:07:25.000 And I used to watch the Power Team for Jesus going, what in the fuck is this?

02:07:29.000 That's amazing.

02:07:30.000 It was so...

02:07:31.000 Have you found anything on it?

02:07:33.000 I found a lot.

02:07:33.000 I'm trying to find a good one to share.

02:07:36.000 Those guys are the 3rd Street Promenade.

02:07:38.000 There he is!

02:07:39.000 This is the power team for Jesus.

02:07:42.000 Yeah, see?

02:07:43.000 They break bricks.

02:07:44.000 Yes, for Jesus!

02:07:45.000 I broke this brick for the Lord!

02:07:48.000 Yes!

02:07:49.000 And steroids, for sure!

02:07:52.000 There goes the devil!

02:07:53.000 Yes!

02:07:54.000 Ah!

02:07:55.000 Yeah!

02:07:56.000 I'd use my head!

02:07:59.000 Oh, yeah!

02:08:00.000 Oh, look, the axe kicked it.

02:08:03.000 Whoa, whoa.

02:08:05.000 It seems a little too easy to break those.

02:08:06.000 They're really making a mess for Jesus.

02:08:08.000 Ooh, he drops an elbow down.

02:08:10.000 Ooh, I'm going to blow up this balloon for Jesus.

02:08:11.000 Oh, they blow it up until it explodes.

02:08:13.000 That's why they have to wear goggles on.

02:08:15.000 It's like a hot water balloon.

02:08:16.000 Yeah, it's a bladder.

02:08:17.000 That's not...

02:08:18.000 This trick is not great.

02:08:20.000 Oh, wax you right in the face.

02:08:22.000 This is so stupid.

02:08:24.000 The song Boom.

02:08:25.000 Here comes the boom!

02:08:26.000 Oh, he ripped a phone bus.

02:08:27.000 What's that?

02:08:28.000 What is that?

02:08:29.000 I thought it was P.O.D. That's saliva.

02:08:31.000 P.O.D. is a Christian rock band.

02:08:32.000 P.O.D.? P.O.D.? Yeah, payable on death.

02:08:35.000 What's the goal here?

02:08:36.000 Christian rock, yeah.

02:08:37.000 That's like...

02:08:38.000 They have some great fucking songs.

02:08:40.000 They definitely do.

02:08:40.000 Yeah.

02:08:42.000 Here comes the boom.

02:08:43.000 Yeah, it's Rook.

02:08:45.000 He's ripping phone books in half for Jesus.

02:08:47.000 Oh.

02:08:47.000 Look at this.

02:08:48.000 He's bending a bar for Jesus.

02:08:49.000 Jesus is going to love this.

02:08:50.000 And by the way, this is a newer power team.

02:08:53.000 This is not the original power team.

02:08:55.000 It's power team 2.0.

02:08:56.000 Oh, is it?

02:08:57.000 Well, the older guys are dead from steroids.

02:09:01.000 1990. They're all with Jesus now.

02:09:03.000 Is this a 1991?

02:09:04.000 Yeah.

02:09:05.000 Brad Tuttle.

02:09:07.000 Look at the fucking mullet, bro.

02:09:09.000 And shaved armpits, by the way.

02:09:11.000 Notice that.

02:09:13.000 Right?

02:09:13.000 That guy's got shaved armpits.

02:09:14.000 Yeah, Jesus loves that.

02:09:15.000 Look at the pants.

02:09:16.000 Those puffy pants.

02:09:17.000 Those gym pants.

02:09:19.000 Hold on.

02:09:19.000 What's he saying?

02:09:25.000 Where's your armpit here, bro?

02:09:29.000 Jesus took the blinders and rolled them right off my eyes.

02:09:36.000 And inside that bar, for the first time in my life, I saw the world of what it really had to offer me.

02:09:43.000 You know what it was?

02:09:44.000 A big fat zero.

02:09:46.000 I got in my car.

02:09:48.000 I drove home with my wife.

02:09:50.000 We got inside our apartment.

02:09:51.000 My wife went and sat on the couch.

02:09:53.000 I paced back and forth in the living room like a lion who was chained down to everything the world passed by him.

02:10:00.000 And I was chained down.

02:10:03.000 I said I've looked all my life to find one thing!

02:10:05.000 This is for people where pro wrestling is a little too heady.

02:10:10.000 Pro wrestling without the other guy.

02:10:12.000 Yeah, it's for people who think pro wrestling is too complicated.

02:10:15.000 I don't get what they're saying in pro wrestling.

02:10:17.000 There's too many people, too many moving pieces.

02:10:19.000 It hurts my brain.

02:10:20.000 I like this.

02:10:21.000 Yeah, that was a huge crowd.

02:10:23.000 Dude, that's like 25 plus thousand people.

02:10:26.000 That place is giant.

02:10:28.000 I'm in the wrong business.

02:10:29.000 Yeah, look, they lift things up for the Lord.

02:10:32.000 Oh, what happened to the mullet, bro?

02:10:33.000 Got rid of the mullet.

02:10:34.000 What the fuck, dude?

02:10:35.000 Is he going to jump rope?

02:10:36.000 It looks bigger, too.

02:10:38.000 He did more roids and got rid of the mullet.

02:10:40.000 His head grew.

02:10:41.000 His forehead's larger.

02:10:42.000 Multiple guys there, too.

02:10:43.000 Multiple people.

02:10:44.000 Are they going to throw him into a pit or something?

02:10:49.000 This is crazy.

02:10:52.000 I wonder if he has the same speech or if he gives a different one every time.

02:10:57.000 Oh, that's the same guy, bro.

02:10:59.000 Oh, the mullet guy's right behind him.

02:11:00.000 No.

02:11:01.000 Yeah, he's got the chains on.

02:11:02.000 They're the same human.

02:11:04.000 Yeah, they're the same guy.

02:11:05.000 It's a clone.

02:11:06.000 Tag team partner, I think.

02:11:08.000 Maybe they're twins.

02:11:09.000 They're tag team partners?

02:11:13.000 Oh.

02:11:13.000 The first time I ever saw them was on Jerry Springer or something.

02:11:22.000 Oh, maybe.

02:11:24.000 Maybe they had to smash people.

02:11:26.000 On Jerry Springer.

02:11:27.000 Sometimes they had to find out who's the baby mama.

02:11:29.000 Oh, that's Maury.

02:11:30.000 Maury was who's the baby daddy.

02:11:33.000 Yeah.

02:11:34.000 Yeah.

02:11:35.000 Yeah.

02:11:36.000 Yeah.

02:11:37.000 Here's your baby daddy.

02:11:37.000 Yeah.

02:11:38.000 Yeah.

02:11:38.000 Has anybody contacted you from them?

02:11:40.000 The Kardashians?

02:11:41.000 Yeah.

02:11:42.000 No.

02:11:43.000 No.

02:11:43.000 What would you do?

02:11:44.000 I wonder if they've seen it.

02:11:44.000 They slid into your DMs.

02:11:45.000 You saw a DM and it was Kanye.

02:11:47.000 You see the blue check mark.

02:11:48.000 You're like, oh, Jesus Christ.

02:11:50.000 I would snap a photo and post it.

02:11:52.000 I'm tired of Caitlyn too.

02:11:55.000 Oh, you need to be on my side?

02:11:56.000 Record a fat beat.

02:11:58.000 Yeah.

02:11:59.000 I would love that.

02:12:00.000 Would you?

02:12:01.000 Obviously.

02:12:01.000 Yeah.

02:12:02.000 I mean, I feel like, would they be mad?

02:12:05.000 I don't think they'd be mad.

02:12:06.000 Whenever I do a comedy special, one of the things that I do is I have a moment of panic after I'm done.

02:12:11.000 I smoke pot, and I get super paranoid, and I go, oh, I shouldn't have done that bit.

02:12:17.000 And the last one was my Caitlyn Jenner bit.

02:12:21.000 I, by the way, love that bit.

02:12:23.000 This is how you know it's a good bit.

02:12:24.000 I was like, oh, I wish I'd thought of that.

02:12:26.000 You know, you go, oh, yeah, that's the angle.

02:12:28.000 But it was...

02:12:29.000 Well, I had to think for so long how to do that.

02:12:35.000 And the way to do it was just to shit on myself first.

02:12:38.000 And then also have a lot of truth in it about how, like, I've never been happier, but I've never been more of a bitch.

02:12:45.000 I live in a house filled with girls.

02:12:46.000 There's all women in my house.

02:12:47.000 I don't...

02:12:48.000 I have zero say in, like, where things go or what color things are.

02:12:53.000 It's all...

02:12:54.000 It's easier, too, to just let them run.

02:12:56.000 I want them to be happy.

02:12:58.000 And I don't need my masculine energy everywhere.

02:13:00.000 And that's also one of the nice things about this place.

02:13:03.000 This place is clearly like a big old...

02:13:05.000 This is a bro warehouse.

02:13:07.000 It's a bro house, bro.

02:13:08.000 It's a fucking bro warehouse.

02:13:09.000 But, um, so...

02:13:11.000 I felt like, oh, that's the thing, because they're turning me softer, for sure.

02:13:16.000 Like, living with all these women, I've changed the way I communicate and think and behave.

02:13:22.000 I'm turning into a bitch.

02:13:24.000 I'm like, I've never been more of a bitch in my life.

02:13:25.000 So the idea was, like, if my manhood was a mountain of marbles, I'm like, every day they take two.

02:13:31.000 It's like...

02:13:32.000 What's the big deal?

02:13:33.000 You have so many marbles.

02:13:34.000 God, Dad, why do you care?

02:13:36.000 Why do you even care?

02:13:37.000 And then I'm like, I'm seeing where this is going.

02:13:39.000 And then I said, okay, this is what it is.

02:13:43.000 That's where the bit is.

02:13:44.000 The bit is, I'm not going out like Bruce Jenner.

02:13:47.000 And then I'm like, everybody's like, he's always been a woman.

02:13:50.000 Like, maybe, maybe, or maybe if you live with crazy bitches long enough, you fucking become one.

02:13:58.000 And Kanye, you don't like what you're saying.

02:14:00.000 I don't like what I'm saying.

02:14:01.000 He's going crazy.

02:14:02.000 He's clearly going crazy.

02:14:03.000 You live with crazy people.

02:14:05.000 So that bit was one of the ones where after I released it, I'm like, oh, that poor girl.

02:14:10.000 She doesn't need me to be pretending that she got seduced by demons in the middle of the night while she's sleeping.

02:14:18.000 But it was so fun to do.

02:14:21.000 It was also a fucked up bit to do because in order to do it, I literally had to think like a demon.

02:14:26.000 Like I would think like I was trying to seduce her.

02:14:29.000 Like I was whispering in her ear like a demon.

02:14:32.000 Like, Bruce.

02:14:36.000 We would like you better.

02:14:38.000 Wow, there's no effect on that.

02:14:40.000 If you're one of us.

02:14:42.000 You can just do that.

02:14:43.000 Yeah.

02:14:44.000 That's really hard.

02:14:45.000 I can't.

02:14:46.000 I can't be one of you.

02:14:47.000 I was born a man.

02:14:49.000 Not in sense.

02:14:51.000 You see the old footage of the old Kardashian shows, and Bruce will come in like, you girls and your makeup, and walk down pissed off.

02:15:02.000 Apparently he was cross-dressing that whole time.

02:15:05.000 Yeah, since he was younger.

02:15:07.000 You know what?

02:15:07.000 There's a theory by one of the guys who was in the Olympics with him that everybody was roided up back then.

02:15:13.000 Everybody.

02:15:14.000 They just gave everybody steroids.

02:15:16.000 And one of the things that happens to men when they take large doses of steroids is that your testosterone shuts down.

02:15:24.000 Your body just shuts down.

02:15:25.000 Oh.

02:15:26.000 Yeah.

02:15:27.000 And there's a real...

02:15:28.000 There's a depression period.

02:15:30.000 There's a lot of weird things that happen to men.

02:15:34.000 One of the other things that happens is your body starts producing way more estrogen.

02:15:37.000 You get something called bitch tits.

02:15:40.000 Oh.

02:15:40.000 Ever see that?

02:15:41.000 I got those.

02:15:42.000 No, it's different.

02:15:43.000 It's called gynomastica.

02:15:45.000 And gynomastica comes from introducing too much exogenous testosterone into your system.

02:15:50.000 Your body starts producing estrogen to sort of balance it out.

02:15:53.000 And in that process, you grow tits.

02:15:55.000 Literally.

02:15:56.000 Yeah.

02:15:57.000 So what this person from the...

02:15:58.000 I don't remember if they named the person who it was, but they were saying that all of this happened right when Bruce got off steroids, like right after the Olympics.

02:16:07.000 Like he saw this transition taking place where he was just baffled and confused.

02:16:13.000 Well, I heard that when he was a kid, he used to steal his mom's or sister's clothes or something like that.

02:16:17.000 I heard.

02:16:17.000 I don't know.

02:16:17.000 Maybe.

02:16:18.000 That makes more sense.

02:16:20.000 I don't like that you feel tortured and that must be awful.

02:16:25.000 I really feel comfortable making...

02:16:30.000 I don't make fun of her genitalia or something, but she's really a ridiculous person.

02:16:35.000 Besides forgetting the transgender thing, she's really funny.

02:16:39.000 Well, how about the fucking kill the lady and never bring it up?

02:16:41.000 Just that alone.

02:16:43.000 Yeah, that is...

02:16:45.000 I mean, all the conversations afterwards, all the interviews afterwards, it wasn't this existential crisis of having accidentally killed someone and being at this point in your life where you're like, oh my god, I don't have much time to live and I just sent some woman to her grave because I wasn't paying attention at the wheel of my Escalade.

02:17:00.000 That never got brought up.

02:17:02.000 Yeah, I don't know what she felt behind closed doors, but it didn't seem like it slowed her down at all.

02:17:08.000 I think I'd take a month off and be like, I gotta not be out in public, and I feel horrible, and I'm gonna take care of this family somehow.

02:17:16.000 She was on Sephora trying on different eye shades.

02:17:18.000 I don't know why we care.

02:17:19.000 She wasn't even famous.

02:17:20.000 Did you know that?

02:17:21.000 Press doesn't talk about that!

02:17:23.000 Who cares?!

02:17:27.000 You're so good at that impression.

02:17:29.000 You could do her on stage and you don't even need the face swap.

02:17:33.000 People would just start laughing.

02:17:35.000 They know what you're doing.

02:17:36.000 When I did it at Largo, I got fully dressed up and I put glasses on and stuff.

02:17:40.000 Oh no, you didn't.

02:17:42.000 And I was back...

02:17:44.000 Did he introduce you as Caitlyn Jenner?

02:17:46.000 Yeah, yeah.

02:17:46.000 No, I came out as like...

02:17:48.000 It was a big risk.

02:17:49.000 And Zach Galifianakis was backstage.

02:17:51.000 I'm like, I don't know where I was going to go.

02:17:53.000 And he was like, I've dressed up as a woman, and I'll just say this.

02:17:56.000 It's a longer fall when it fails, which is true.

02:18:00.000 If you get all dressed up and you bomb, it's like...

02:18:05.000 Darkness.

02:18:05.000 That scared me.

02:18:07.000 Darkness.

02:18:07.000 Darkness falls.

02:18:08.000 Darkness falls.

02:18:09.000 It's lucky that she's ridiculous enough that you could point things out.

02:18:13.000 Like, this is one of the things that people always say about, you know, when people are clamoring about what a great person Hillary Clinton was.

02:18:19.000 I'm like, do you know that she didn't endorse gay marriage until 2013?

02:18:23.000 She was against gay marriage.

02:18:25.000 I didn't know that.

02:18:26.000 Against gay marriage until 2013. She's a fucking ridiculous person.

02:18:30.000 There's hundreds of videos of her lying.

02:18:33.000 You hear what she said and you hear what the truth is.

02:18:35.000 You hear the Comey investigation, what the FBI found, the deleted emails.

02:18:40.000 Benghazi.

02:18:41.000 She's just not an honest person.

02:18:43.000 Maybe that's part of the job.

02:18:45.000 I don't know.

02:18:46.000 But if you bring that up to people, they have less of an argument.

02:18:50.000 Well, with Caitlyn, you bring up the fact that she's against gay marriage.

02:18:55.000 And people go, wait, what?

02:18:57.000 No.

02:18:57.000 Are you serious?

02:18:58.000 Like, yeah, yeah, yeah.

02:18:59.000 Here, I'm gonna play you something.

02:19:00.000 And then your player's saying, well, I'm a traditional girl.

02:19:03.000 Yeah.

02:19:05.000 It really is so mind-blowing that it went over...

02:19:09.000 You almost can't...

02:19:11.000 I can't really wrap my head around...

02:19:12.000 That's gotta be a joke.

02:19:14.000 I can't believe...

02:19:14.000 But people don't seem to care that much.

02:19:16.000 They seem to be like letting that slide.

02:19:18.000 They don't see how fucking ridiculous that is.

02:19:21.000 Very hypocritical.

02:19:23.000 Just crazy.

02:19:24.000 It's crazy is what it is.

02:19:25.000 It's like mentally unstable.

02:19:29.000 There's bad processing going on.

02:19:32.000 I mean, there's no sense or empathy to put that on.

02:19:37.000 It's crazy.

02:19:37.000 You're right there.

02:19:38.000 It's crazy.

02:19:39.000 First of all, the thing about gay marriage to me has always been, who gives a fuck?

02:19:44.000 Right.

02:19:44.000 Are we pretending that they don't love each other?

02:19:46.000 Like, what are we doing?

02:19:47.000 Are we pretending that it's immoral?

02:19:48.000 Okay, well, if it's a moral thing, then we have a real argument.

02:19:52.000 What is morality if it's not two people that love each other?

02:19:56.000 You have a problem with the fact that they're both boys?

02:19:58.000 They've done scientific studies that have shown that they have a different pattern to the way their brain thinks.

02:20:05.000 They can show the difference in the way, especially with trans kids and trans people.

02:20:11.000 They're showing with fMRIs and all these different ways of measuring, like their brains appear to work more like a woman's brain than they do like a man's brain.

02:20:21.000 There's something going on.

02:20:22.000 It's not as simple as delusions.

02:20:25.000 And then with gay people, there's clearly something going on where they're attracted only to the same sex.

02:20:33.000 It's like a biological issue.

02:20:35.000 And this issue is, it exists.

02:20:39.000 So to pretend that they're supposed to ignore that for your benefit.

02:20:42.000 Right.

02:20:43.000 Todd, you know Todd Glass?

02:20:44.000 Sure.

02:20:45.000 He brought up a great, insightful thing.

02:20:47.000 Because he lived a lot, people didn't know he was gay.

02:20:49.000 So he heard guys talking or people who were like, you know, homophobic or whatever.

02:20:54.000 And his point of view was like, he thinks a lot of this is from people imagine the act and they're grossed out and it really bothers them.

02:21:05.000 And he was saying, do you want to imagine your sister giving a blowjob?

02:21:09.000 No, it's disgusting, but you want her to feel loved and you want her to have that happiness.

02:21:14.000 And that's all he was asking for.

02:21:16.000 I thought that was an insightful thing.

02:21:18.000 I think a lot of times, too, it's just lack of exposure to gay people when you're young in particular.

02:21:25.000 Yeah, that's true.

02:21:27.000 Having them be accepted by your family and other people.

02:21:31.000 When I was a kid, I got really lucky.

02:21:33.000 I lived in San Francisco from the time I was 7 to 11. And we were around a lot of gay people.

02:21:38.000 My next door neighbors were gay and they would get naked with my aunt and they would play the bongos.

02:21:43.000 They would smoke pot and play the bongos.

02:21:44.000 Because it was San Francisco in the 70s.

02:21:46.000 You were lucky.

02:21:49.000 To me, gay people were just like, it was a normal thing.

02:21:51.000 It was just, this guy's gay, this guy's black, this guy's old, this guy, you know, just a person.

02:21:57.000 Just a different kind of person.

02:21:58.000 And then I moved to Florida.

02:22:00.000 When I was 11, we moved to Florida.

02:22:03.000 We moved to Gainesville.

02:22:04.000 You basically moved to a different country.

02:22:06.000 I moved to Planet Stupid and these people that I lived, I had my friend, his name was Candy, Candido, and he was a Cuban kid and his dad was fucking super homophobic.

02:22:18.000 And so I remember I went over his house once after school to play and his dad was like, I can't believe these fucking faggots want to get married.

02:22:25.000 Believe this shit and he's throwing the newspaper down on the table.

02:22:29.000 And I remember I was 11, right?

02:22:31.000 And I was like, what's wrong with this fucking dummy?

02:22:33.000 Why does he care?

02:22:35.000 Like, why is this bothering him at all?

02:22:36.000 It didn't even make sense to me.

02:22:38.000 Yeah, there's a lot of people, real rage underneath it all.

02:22:44.000 I think they're scared of being gay, and I don't want anybody to think they're gay.

02:22:48.000 It's just putting it off.

02:22:51.000 And it may be like the act disgusts them, but all sex is disgusting.

02:22:55.000 I mean, all of it.

02:22:55.000 You're doing it wrong.

02:22:57.000 Oh, I am?

02:22:58.000 Yeah, I'll talk to you after the show.

02:22:59.000 After the show, give me some pointers.

02:23:01.000 Something was off.

02:23:02.000 Maybe that's why you haven't had a kid yet.

02:23:03.000 Yeah, I've been trying for 30 years.

02:23:06.000 I've been trying.

02:23:07.000 Put it in the butt like you're supposed to.

02:23:09.000 What?

02:23:10.000 No.

02:23:10.000 Huh?

02:23:11.000 No.

02:23:13.000 Don't do that.

02:23:15.000 How long have we been talking?

02:23:16.000 I feel like I've been talking for...

02:23:17.000 Two hours and 40 minutes.

02:23:19.000 Somewhere around there.

02:23:21.000 You want to wrap it up?

02:23:21.000 I'm a gabber, huh?

02:23:22.000 No, we always do this.

02:23:23.000 Oh.

02:23:24.000 What is a normal length of a show?

02:23:25.000 Probably around that.

02:23:26.000 Really?

02:23:27.000 Yeah.

02:23:27.000 You do this twice a week?

02:23:29.000 This week, four times.

02:23:31.000 Wow.

02:23:31.000 You're banking a few.

02:23:33.000 No.

02:23:33.000 They go live.

02:23:34.000 We're streaming live.

02:23:36.000 And then afterwards we'll put it up on iTunes and it'll upload to YouTube in a little bit.

02:23:41.000 You got a whole thing going.

02:23:42.000 Yeah.

02:23:43.000 But I have too many guests' requests.

02:23:46.000 It's like there's almost too many.

02:23:48.000 And I love doing it.

02:23:49.000 So I just do a bunch of them.

02:23:51.000 Who's your favorite guest?

02:23:52.000 Kyle Dunnigan.

02:23:53.000 Kyle Dunnigan.

02:23:55.000 Kyle Dunnigan.

02:23:56.000 Wow.

02:23:57.000 This is great.

02:23:59.000 I don't have one.

02:24:01.000 I'm so lucky.

02:24:02.000 I've had so many great guests.

02:24:04.000 I really don't have a favorite.

02:24:05.000 Yeah, you do.

02:24:06.000 Yeah.

02:24:07.000 Yeah, I discovered Sam Harris through.

02:24:09.000 Yeah.

02:24:09.000 Yeah, yeah.

02:24:10.000 So I have pretty good guests.

02:24:11.000 The problem is, your impression has replaced her real voice.

02:24:16.000 In my mind, if I see her on TV, I'm like, yeah, well.

02:24:19.000 Yeah, yeah.

02:24:19.000 Okay.

02:24:21.000 So I got my size 17 chimichurri.

02:24:24.000 Yeah.

02:24:26.000 Yeah, I'm not sure what she sounds like anymore.

02:24:28.000 It might be different.

02:24:29.000 So, do you have mapped out future ones that you're working on right now?

02:24:34.000 I have a couple.

02:24:35.000 I actually have like a song I just recorded.

02:24:37.000 I can play a second.

02:24:38.000 Because I heard that she hits from the ladies tease.

02:24:43.000 No!

02:24:44.000 In golf?

02:24:44.000 I don't even want to research it because I don't want it to not be true.

02:24:47.000 But that's what I heard.

02:24:48.000 So I wrote a song about her hitting from the ladies' tees.

02:24:50.000 Do you have an internet?

02:24:52.000 Because my phone is broken.

02:24:53.000 I need internet.

02:24:55.000 I could do a world premiere right now.

02:24:57.000 Okay.

02:24:58.000 Like, Jamie can look something up.

02:25:00.000 Well, no, it's in my email.

02:25:03.000 Oh, you need our Wi-Fi password?

02:25:04.000 I'll type it in first.

02:25:05.000 Here, give it to Jamie.

02:25:07.000 He'll type it in there.

02:25:09.000 Your phone's just...

02:25:10.000 It died.

02:25:12.000 But it's working.

02:25:13.000 No, it doesn't do phone calls.

02:25:17.000 I got Wi-Fi, but that's it.

02:25:18.000 And it dies sometimes for no reason.

02:25:20.000 I went to the 18-2 store before this.

02:25:22.000 I've got to go to the Apple store.

02:25:23.000 There's a major problem.

02:25:24.000 This isn't interesting, but anyway.

02:25:26.000 There's a power cord next to you, too.

02:25:27.000 I had my phone break.

02:25:29.000 My phone broke in Hawaii because I was, uh, I just dropped it too many times.

02:25:33.000 It started making random phone calls.

02:25:35.000 I could open the contact screen and start calling people.

02:25:37.000 I'd hang up.

02:25:38.000 Call somebody else.

02:25:39.000 I'd hang up.

02:25:40.000 Well, Lucky is no one in my contacts that I don't like.

02:25:44.000 But when it did that, I had to...

02:25:48.000 And then it totally stopped where it wouldn't let me punch in my code to unlock it.

02:25:52.000 It was just fucked.

02:25:53.000 Wouldn't recognize my face.

02:25:55.000 It was like, fuck you.

02:25:56.000 It was dead.

02:25:57.000 So I ordered one and I had to get it shipped and I was in Lanai, which is a really small island.

02:26:03.000 So it takes a few days to get an iPhone there.

02:26:05.000 It took three days.

02:26:06.000 Yeah.

02:26:07.000 But it was a beautiful three days.

02:26:09.000 Best three days of your life.

02:26:10.000 Three days with no phone.

02:26:12.000 Just chilling.

02:26:13.000 Yesterday I could not get...

02:26:14.000 What's so funny?

02:26:15.000 There's an article I just found where he...

02:26:18.000 I'm sorry.

02:26:18.000 She was talking about...

02:26:20.000 Should I hit for the men's team?

02:26:22.000 Let's vote on it.

02:26:24.000 She said...

02:26:24.000 Craig T. Nelson's comment.

02:26:26.000 I played golf with you for 30 years before Caitlyn Nelson said, I know how you hit, so it wasn't prejudice.

02:26:32.000 He said he wouldn't allow her.

02:26:33.000 He wouldn't allow her to hit from the men's tee?

02:26:35.000 I think if you're on a Wheaties box, you can't, as an athlete, you can't.

02:26:40.000 For her part, Jenner said she'd hit from either box depending on how the group voted.

02:26:45.000 And women's T1. Oh, and don't worry, she dominated everyone on the links.

02:26:51.000 Both sexes.

02:26:52.000 Sure she did.

02:26:54.000 She's a fucking Olympic gold medalist.

02:26:55.000 I know.

02:26:56.000 Even though she's 70 years old and a woman now.

02:26:58.000 Well, she went through puberty as a man.

02:27:00.000 She's got the man muscles and the man skeleton.

02:27:03.000 Sort of.

02:27:03.000 It's all withered away.

02:27:05.000 The skeleton's still there, but the muscles are gone.

02:27:08.000 This is the world premiere.

02:27:10.000 I won't play the whole thing.

02:27:11.000 Play it, baby.

02:27:12.000 What, I just put on this?

02:27:13.000 Yeah.

02:27:18.000 I'm going to shoot the video point next week.

02:27:21.000 West Coast.

02:27:22.000 West Coast.

02:27:23.000 Yeah.

02:27:23.000 West Coast.

02:27:24.000 Yeah.

02:27:26.000 Some things have changed and some things have changed.

02:27:30.000 I'm still hanging with my homies and riding on golf games.

02:27:35.000 But lately, they make me angry like I'm doing wrong.

02:27:38.000 They want me to hit from the mainstream.

02:27:40.000 Oh, I'm sorry.

02:27:41.000 You still What is the Lady C closer?

02:28:02.000 I don't play golf.

02:28:02.000 Oh yeah, they're 20, 30 yards closer.

02:28:04.000 Oh.

02:28:05.000 This is...

02:28:06.000 She's driving the cart.

02:28:12.000 Let's end with that.

02:28:13.000 Kyle Dunnegan, you're a funny motherfucker, man.

02:28:15.000 You're the best.

02:28:15.000 I'm glad you listened to that terrible feeling that you had in the middle of the night.

02:28:20.000 I am too.

02:28:21.000 I'm really glad.

02:28:22.000 You got more songs playing?

02:28:23.000 No, I don't know what's going on.

02:28:24.000 My phone's exploding.

02:28:28.000 KyleDunnegan1 on Instagram.

02:28:29.000 Do you have a Twitter?

02:28:30.000 Kyle Dunnigan.

02:28:31.000 Twitter.

02:28:32.000 Oh, you got Kyle Dunnigan on Twitter.

02:28:33.000 I got the right one for Twitter.

02:28:35.000 But I don't really...

02:28:36.000 Who's the Kyle Dunnigan on Instagram?

02:28:38.000 He's like in the Midwest.

02:28:39.000 Buy it from him.

02:28:40.000 Reach out.

02:28:41.000 For real.

02:28:42.000 I can't change...

02:28:43.000 Once you get verified, you can't change it?

02:28:45.000 Yes, you can.

02:28:46.000 Oh, really?

02:28:47.000 Yeah, we'll talk afterwards.

02:28:47.000 Okay.

02:28:48.000 Yeah, I'll let you know.

02:28:49.000 Thank you.

02:28:50.000 There's people you can call.

02:28:51.000 Swine.

02:28:51.000 Right?

02:28:52.000 My man.

02:28:52.000 Sweet.

02:28:53.000 Thank you.

02:28:53.000 And everybody else, go check out his Instagram page.

02:28:56.000 It's the best.

02:28:57.000 Bye.

02:29:02.000 Thank you.

The Joe Rogan Experience - June 22, 2018

Joe Rogan Experience #1134 - Kyle Dunnigan

Episode Stats

Length

Words per Minute

Word Count

Sentence Count

Misogynist Sentences

Summary

Transcript