Joe Rogan Experience #1143 - Candice Thompson
Episode Stats
Length
1 hour and 47 minutes
Words per Minute
199.40083
Summary
Candice and Jamie talk about scary movies, peep-toms, and how to survive the summer in the dead of winter in Montana. Candice talks about her fear of clowns, Jamie talks about peeping-towers, and they talk about when they were scared for the first time and how they've dealt with it ever since. They also talk about what it's like to live in a cold, dark place in the middle of the summer, and why they don't want to move in with their parents. It's the last episode of the season, so stay tuned for more episodes in the coming weeks! Thank you so much for listening to this episode of Scary Talk, Candice, Jamie, and the rest of the crew. We hope you enjoy this episode, and we'll see you next week for our next episode! Stay safe out there in the cold and stay scared! Cheers! - The Creepy Pasta Girls. Logo by Courtney DeKorte. Theme by Mavus White. Music by PSOVOD and tyops. We are working on transcribing this episode and putting it on SoundCloud. If you like what you hear, please leave us a review on Apple Podcasts and/or subscribe to our podcast, and tell us what you think of what you're listening to! We'll be looking out for you in the next episode. Thank you for listening and rating/subscribing in the comments section! Love ya, bye! <3 <3, bye, bye. <3 - Cheers, Cheers. - Candice and Joe and the CreepyPasta - Joe and Jamie Love, Candie, - Kristy, Candee, Sarah and the gang & the gang, Kristy & the crew at The Scary Pasta - Thank you, Joe & the Crew at Scared of the Scary Things . - Sarah, and the Crew, Sarah, Caitlyn and the Scared Thing ( ) xoxo, Sarah & the Choady Crew XOXOXO, Mike & the team at The Chatterbox Crew. Sarah & Sarah & The Crew at The Hereditary, , and the Chitterbox Crew - Caitlyn ( ) - Sarah ( ) . ( ) & the rest. ,
Transcript
00:00:13.000
That's supposed to be a terrifying movie, right?
00:00:16.000
They meaning the media and like Huffington Post, I think.
00:00:20.000
So that's why I went because I'm not scared by anything like in the movies.
00:00:24.000
So I'm constantly in pursuit of an actual scary movie.
00:00:43.000
I'm trying to think of the last time I was really scared.
00:00:55.000
And I also like thinking that something might get me.
00:00:59.000
I like the suspense in that, but it never does.
00:01:03.000
You're thinking that something might get you scared.
00:01:08.000
Jamie, when was the last time you were scared in a movie?
00:01:19.000
I don't go see scary movies at the theater, so...
00:01:31.000
You're holding on to it like you're waiting for something to come in?
00:01:44.000
They were outside the house trying to kill people.
00:01:54.000
You ever mind fuck yourself and you think that there's like someone outside?
00:01:58.000
Like you think you hear something, you open your door and you listen.
00:02:10.000
My window was cracked and he started whispering to me through my window.
00:02:15.000
I have a joke about it now because it was the only way I could deal with it without, you know, getting too paranoid about it.
00:02:24.000
But every time I tell people, they're like, that's terrifying.
00:02:27.000
But at the same time, it's like, it's kind of flattering.
00:02:30.000
Kind of flattering that he went out of his way to whisper at you through a crack in the window.
00:02:33.000
Yeah, all the windows he could have gone to, he came to mine.
00:02:57.000
And I sleep with my window open because my place does not have A.C. What?
00:03:09.000
How can you live in L.A.? My place is old, and I think what happened was that it was built before AC was even invented.
00:03:16.000
So the windows are even old school, so I can't even put a portable...
00:03:19.000
They crank open, and the windows crank open like that.
00:03:24.000
I'd have to probably get the manager to replace the window installments before I could even put an air conditioning in.
00:03:31.000
I just leave during the day, and then at night...
00:04:00.000
I want that pink Himalayan salt light right there.
00:04:10.000
You have a stuffed werewolf outside in a float tank.
00:04:15.000
It would have to be like a real thing and then you kill it.
00:04:24.000
If anybody were to have an actual werewolf, it would be you.
00:04:44.000
It wasn't like it is like now, because this is kind of new.
00:04:47.000
I don't think L.A. has ever been this hot in the beginning of July.
00:04:52.000
So anyway, I was in my bed watching Mulholland Drive, and I had been in and out of falling asleep.
00:05:02.000
But I thought, at first, I thought it was the movie.
00:05:05.000
Because I was like, David Lynch is a weird dude.
00:05:08.000
Maybe this is like a director's choice to creep people out, to put murmuring in the background.
00:05:16.000
And then probably 20 minutes later, I was like, something's telling me.
00:05:21.000
So I hit mute, and all of a sudden I heard, come on, baby, rub that sweet pussy.
00:05:34.000
Well, you know, anyone that's on the first floor, your upstairs neighbors are problematic because it sounds like they wear horseshoes and they're bowling all the time.
00:05:43.000
So yeah, the whole thing, living on the first floor is not a good idea.
00:05:52.000
I wasn't scared he was going to come in because the windows open, but then there's bars in front of it.
00:05:58.000
But as soon as that happened, what was funny was that Ian Edwards, you know Ian Edwards.
00:06:12.000
He was staying with me at the time because he had just sold his place in Reseda, which isn't far from here.
00:06:18.000
And then he was in our extra room at the apartment.
00:06:21.000
So I was like, Ian, I think there's somebody outside.
00:07:01.000
Yeah, he wants me to cook elk for him and he'll eat it.
00:07:05.000
You know, because he's a vegan, he doesn't want to eat anything that was killed from a factory farm.
00:07:14.000
When Ian and I fly, every time we fly together, I take a picture of him five minutes into the flight, because he's always like this, out cold, five minutes in.
00:07:27.000
He's always so tired, and I go, dude, you've got to get blood work done.
00:07:32.000
You can do that vegan diet right, but you've got to be very disciplined.
00:07:38.000
Yeah, you have to take all sorts of different supplements.
00:07:44.000
And that's not the best source of B12. It's not as bioavailable as animal sources.
00:07:59.000
He was just on my podcast the other day, and he talked, it's called The Struggle.
00:08:17.000
You had a nice fellow with you at the Comedy Store the other night.
00:08:33.000
He just lives a lifestyle that I just can't, that we're not compatible.
00:08:39.000
I think we can get to the point where we'll be friends.
00:08:42.000
So I think we can maintain that if I can't, you know.
00:08:50.000
That's why I have people on, and we just talk about stuff that everyone's struggling with something, and multiple things, usually.
00:08:56.000
This is just a rash generalization, but I'm good at those.
00:09:04.000
The prime of their life, not like 20, but as an actual grown woman with a career, and if they're smart and independent, they have a really hard time finding the right man.
00:09:18.000
It's like if you're a dingbat, and you'll morph into whatever lifestyle your new boyfriend chooses, then you can be okay.
00:09:30.000
First of all, it's hard for a girl who's strong and smart to find a guy who's not intimidated by that.
00:09:42.000
And I know so many women who are in my situation.
00:09:48.000
Educated, know what they want, independent, have money, and just like, don't need a man, but just want one.
00:09:59.000
It's hard finding quality human beings to spend time with.
00:10:02.000
Especially in LA. Friends, girlfriends, boyfriends, whoever it is.
00:10:08.000
I mean, yeah, especially in LA. Especially in our line of work.
00:10:14.000
You know, we get attention professionally, right?
00:10:22.000
But listen, you have one of the healthiest attitudes.
00:10:28.000
Whenever we're at the store, you have the grind spots.
00:10:38.000
That show's been on for three and a half hours by the time you get on.
00:10:53.000
I feel like some people do, but those are the haters.
00:10:58.000
But all my friends are always happy to see you.
00:11:11.000
I say if my parents had been just a little bit more abusive, you know, I could have had five sitcoms by now.
00:11:15.000
If my dad had just pulled a Joe Jackson at least just once or twice.
00:11:25.000
People have been sending me these things that Dr. Conrad Murray says that Michael Jackson was chemically castrated.
00:11:31.000
I said that a long time ago that I thought he was a castrato.
00:11:39.000
A castrato is something that they used to do to young boys to get them to sing opera better.
00:11:51.000
Because when you hear him talk, he talks like a man.
00:11:55.000
Michael Jackson also talked like this, too, by the way.
00:12:01.000
Speaking of this Conrad Murray, his voice was like this.
00:12:04.000
Conrad Murray has a recording on his phone that he just played.
00:12:50.000
Sounds like my eight-year-old when she has a cold.
00:13:06.000
If you read the stories, the chemical castrato, play her a sound of a real castrato, because there's only one recording from the early 1900s.
00:13:17.000
It was like some of the last of the castratos, because they don't do that anymore.
00:13:33.000
We get kicked off YouTube all the time for shit.
00:13:36.000
If we play things that are other people's copyrights.
00:13:46.000
I mean, you know, he was castrated, so he had no hormones.
00:14:04.000
Like, the women sound beautiful and they sound like women, but there's a sound that a castrato has, and that's a Michael Jackson sound.
00:14:15.000
If you see Tito and all the other Jacksons, they don't sound nothing.
00:14:24.000
So you think they did this to him when he was a kid?
00:14:29.000
If you look at his body, if you look at it, he didn't have any muscle tone.
00:14:48.000
And I always thought he, I never pictured him like for, took him for a sexual person at all.
00:14:53.000
Like when people were like, they said he was touching little boys.
00:14:58.000
I didn't get any type of sexual, any chemistry or any type of tension at all from him.
00:15:14.000
Yeah, I think it's entirely possible that that's true.
00:15:25.000
I guarantee you Joe Jackson knew about that too.
00:15:33.000
I heard that that had happened, but I always thought it was like, for some reason I thought it was when he was an adult.
00:15:37.000
I thought it was like a personal choice that he made.
00:15:41.000
No, I think the idea was his dad was trying to preserve his voice.
00:15:52.000
Is it something that you take that doesn't shrivel up your balls, but something that just makes you...
00:15:58.000
You don't have the ability to produce testosterone anymore.
00:16:24.000
He said Joe was physically abusive to him and his siblings were growing up but never mentioned undergoing any sort of hormonal treatments.
00:16:36.000
The reason why I believe it is because of the way he sounded.
00:16:45.000
But why would he only do that to one of his sons?
00:16:50.000
Because he was the only one that was young enough to do it to.
00:16:52.000
If you look at the Jackson 5, when they were taken off, like, oh, baby, give me one more chance.
00:17:17.000
Well, he's a cautionary tale, you know, and I think there's a level of fame that you get to where you just fucked up.
00:17:29.000
But isn't it also like that a certain type of person only wants that level of fame?
00:17:36.000
Like, have you ever thought about, like, people who get to, like, for example, like Donald Trump level?
00:17:41.000
Because it doesn't just apply to, like, the entertainment industry.
00:17:44.000
But, like, CEOs who, these multi-billion dollar, own these multi-billion dollar corporations.
00:17:50.000
Like, it takes a certain type of person to even want that type of clout, you know?
00:17:56.000
I think that there's something in that as well.
00:17:58.000
I think there's a pursuit involved in all these things, where you start off just chasing money, and then you get involved in a game, and it's all about numbers.
00:18:09.000
And I think as those scores continue to pile on, you continue to get more excited about your progress, and you want to keep going further.
00:18:16.000
If someone makes a million dollars a year, they don't go, that's good.
00:18:28.000
I have always wondered, like, when is it enough for people?
00:18:35.000
Like, if I had $25 million and somebody was like, you have to do this to get another $25 million, depending upon what it is, if it was something that I didn't believe in or something that wasn't aligned with my morals, I wouldn't...
00:18:56.000
You're saying, like, if something was not aligned with your morals.
00:18:58.000
But if you had $25 million and you had an opportunity to make $30 million.
00:19:03.000
Just work a couple extra hours a week, Candice.
00:19:09.000
Five extra hours a week, an extra hour a day, and we could ramp you up to $30 million a year.
00:19:15.000
And then they go, listen, Candice, we can get you really close to $75 million a year, but you're going to have to work 12 hours a day.
00:19:23.000
But people will come up to you and go, Candice.
00:19:27.000
I know you think it's hard, but listen, we've got some Adderall and we've got some massage therapists that will be on staff.
00:19:32.000
And if we do this for a few years, you retire comfortably.
00:19:35.000
For the rest of your life, you live in Ibiza, you fucking chill out in a hammock.
00:19:46.000
The only reason I'm working is so I can stop working.
00:20:11.000
If it's where hurricanes hit all the time, I bet you get it cheap.
00:20:13.000
I get it for 75. Somebody, Richard Branson bought one last year and right after he bought it, it got destroyed.
00:20:19.000
Literally to the point where there are no living humans for the first time in 300 years on this island.
00:20:31.000
He just bought it, and right after he bought it, it literally, the epicenter of the hurricane washed over it and just flattened the entire island.
00:20:38.000
I don't mean, if you're listening to this, Richard Branson, I don't mean to laugh at you.
00:20:46.000
It's Necker Island, the one that he's owned for a while.
00:21:02.000
People are saying don't use that word anymore because it sounds too much like that other word.
00:21:18.000
You know, it's weird when words are okay sometimes, like pussycat.
00:21:22.000
Yeah, but you have to have another pussy fart changes the game.
00:21:40.000
That's like, hey, I don't like what you did there.
00:21:52.000
No, I remember seeing that, I think when we lived in New York, it was a movie, right?
00:21:58.000
007. Yeah, seeing it like, I was a kid and I remember seeing it like, and I was like, ooh, that's a bad word.
00:22:16.000
Anyone deserves that name like I don't I don't know anyone I don't think I think that's like one of those older school ones like I feel like no one goes by if your name is Richard you go by Richard or Rich now I don't think anybody's like yeah call me dick the way you know the weirdest one is Jack like if you're John Your nickname's Jack.
00:23:15.000
Can we talk about, since we're on the nickname thing, so, you know, we're not allowed to say Tranny anymore, right?
00:23:23.000
I personally don't find anything wrong with the word.
00:23:26.000
And now someone could very well say, well, you're not transgender, Candace.
00:23:31.000
But I don't know anyone that really used it in a derogatory way.
00:23:37.000
It was just a word that we said to refer to this type of person.
00:23:44.000
To me, it's just the nickname for transgender to say tranny.
00:23:50.000
Well, there's a lot of policing of language as of late, and it's ramped up because the internet, because people can complain more.
00:24:04.000
Remember when Birdman went to visit Charlamagne?
00:24:14.000
Apparently Charlamagne had been talking some shit about Birdman.
00:24:58.000
Were you following the Drake and Pusha T rap beef?
00:25:06.000
Did you hear about what's happening with Drake?
00:25:28.000
Because all they're doing is bragging and talking about all the money they have.
00:25:39.000
So if there was a beat between Jennifer Lawrence and Scarlett Johansson, would you like that?
00:25:46.000
That would also be entertaining, I'm not gonna lie.
00:25:56.000
And it's nice to bring humble people sometimes.
00:25:59.000
Do you think if you're happier in your own life, you wouldn't like hurt feelings as much?
00:26:04.000
You just talked about me being a very happy person.
00:26:10.000
You were saying earlier that you can't find a good man.
00:26:18.000
But the rest of me, spiritually and emotionally.
00:26:32.000
I believe you've been single most of your life.
00:26:44.000
I wake up every morning and I'm like, I'm just happy to be living this life.
00:26:49.000
I mean, if you can make a living as a stand-up comedian, it's about as good as it gets.
00:26:55.000
But even people who don't do stand-up want to kind of be stand-ups.
00:27:10.000
That you come in and do morning radio and they're like, hmm.
00:27:13.000
It's like the closest thing to it, I think, right?
00:27:15.000
Because I'm trying to think of another profession, which is like stand-up comedy where you can tell jokes and people listen to you in the masses.
00:27:24.000
But I think, yeah, probably a radio DJ is the closest thing to that.
00:27:27.000
Some radio DJs that are dicks, some of them that get kind of...
00:27:34.000
They also want to keep you on your heels because they know that you could do their job, but they can't do your job.
00:27:39.000
Like, you could just be a radio DJ. Absolutely.
00:27:46.000
You could easily take over some fucking radio show.
00:27:50.000
Tell that dude to go on your spot, 1145 in the fucking OR after Joey Diaz.
00:28:01.000
I find with dudes just in general, because it is mostly dudes, I don't find women competing with me to be funny most of the time that aren't comics, but even dudes who aren't comedians, if I go on a date with them or we're dating, it's like they always try to one-up me.
00:28:17.000
They try to one-up you even though they know you're a comic?
00:28:20.000
Yeah, because dudes, they always want to just be the funny ones, even if they're not comics.
00:28:34.000
It's always good to have a dude that can make me laugh, but I don't expect that.
00:28:37.000
But could you deal with a dude that's not funny at all?
00:28:45.000
I don't want a dude who has no sense of humor at all, but I would like a dude who can riff with me, but also not intimidated by me and doesn't feel like he has to be funnier than me.
00:28:59.000
Well, then I guess I'll just be single forever.
00:29:03.000
They're talking about making robot girlfriends.
00:29:22.000
He fucks me and then he stays outside and looks out for Peep and Tom's.
00:29:45.000
Yeah, I've watched that movie at least three times.
00:29:47.000
But that scene, like when that guy had those girls, they were his girlfriends.
00:29:52.000
You know, like the Japanese lady was dancing with them.
00:30:03.000
Why do you lump me in with all those other dudes?
00:30:14.000
Because, you know, I'll be watching the podcast.
00:30:17.000
And so you had another black Candace on not too long ago.
00:30:34.000
Well, most movies I don't watch in the theaters.
00:31:04.000
I wanted to see that the other night, but I got talked into going to see...
00:31:20.000
Then it tells the origin of how the Purge system started in America.
00:31:42.000
I don't know the names of the people that I felt the acting bothered me, but I didn't enjoy that.
00:31:47.000
The story, I just felt like it's one of those ones where it's like the premise is really good, but it's just not executed well.
00:31:52.000
Like the idea of it like, oh shit, I want to see that, and then you go see it.
00:32:04.000
She's a black chick who's like caping for Trump.
00:32:14.000
So I can't, I mean, by nature, I don't understand that.
00:32:26.000
Like, you're a womanizer who has been also accused of rape on numerous occasions, also been, you know, has a history of racism from his family.
00:32:34.000
Like, his father used to, in his apartments, used to deny renting apartments to brown and black people.
00:32:42.000
So, like, and, you know, calling Mexicans rapists, like, I can't.
00:32:52.000
I don't even think necessarily she believes what she says.
00:32:55.000
I think that she was like, oh, this is a way for me to get famous because there are how many black...
00:33:04.000
I had Omarosa was on Fear Factor back in the day.
00:33:15.000
And so I was saying, I don't understand what you're saying.
00:33:27.000
I think she just was like Omarosa's out of the picture.
00:33:33.000
Have we ever seen Tommy Lahren and her in the same room?
00:33:36.000
Because I think she could be Tommy Lahren in blackface.
00:33:47.000
There's a couple of those girls that are interchangeable.
00:33:55.000
I honestly don't even know what Lauren looks like.
00:34:05.000
Of course there is, because that's not the norm.
00:34:07.000
Anything that's outside the norm is going to stick out and you're going to be like, oh, this is trendy now.
00:34:11.000
Like, this is what our party now is represented by.
00:34:15.000
And they're expecting that they're going to attract that younger demographic, the millennials.
00:34:23.000
Well, it's definitely getting there some attention.
00:34:27.000
It's hard to tell what someone really believes and what they want you to believe.
00:34:39.000
See, what that is to me, when she said that, that's indicative of someone who's trying to follow a line.
00:34:45.000
There's a line that you're supposed to follow if you are a hardcore Republican supporter.
00:34:50.000
And it's like, industry is good, big business is good, regulation is bad.
00:34:56.000
And then the big one is global warming is a hoax.
00:35:00.000
Or at least global warming is something that's greatly exaggerated by these environmentalists in order to fund Al Gore's blah blah blah blah.
00:35:11.000
Where everybody on the left believes one thing and everybody...
00:35:14.000
There's like certain things where you have to believe if you're on the right.
00:35:17.000
And certain things you have to believe if you're on the left.
00:35:23.000
Like if you're right wing, you have to be pro-life.
00:35:27.000
There's very few right-wing people that are pro-abortion.
00:35:31.000
Isn't that what happened with Tommy Lahren, though?
00:35:37.000
But because she came out as saying she was pro-choice.
00:35:45.000
Like, you're not allowed to have varying opinions.
00:35:58.000
Oh yeah, there's a new episode that comes out today.
00:36:01.000
I watched one episode and I was like, this is just too fucked up.
00:36:06.000
You see the parallels, like the kids getting separated from their moms, and it's just like, this is literally happening right now.
00:36:13.000
That, to me, is one of the darker moments of this era.
00:36:18.000
The knowledge that thousands of kids get separated from their parents as they cross the board.
00:36:31.000
It was just a rant on the podcast about it with my friend Duncan.
00:36:35.000
We've met only a couple times, but I don't know him very well, but everyone loves him.
00:36:39.000
So we did this rant, or I did this rant about it, and it got made into a video, and then All these people are like, you know, you don't understand the real issue on the border.
00:36:47.000
If the real issue on the border is separating parents from their kids, that's not the real issue, you fucking idiot.
00:36:54.000
You think that lady and her baby are criminals?
00:36:57.000
And it's just, you imagine, I mean, people can't imagine what it'd be like to live in Mexico, right next to the United States.
00:37:11.000
Over here, your cousin got killed by the cartel for looking at somebody wrong at a taco stand, and nobody ever goes to jail for it.
00:37:18.000
Do you know how many fucking politicians they killed in Mexico this year?
00:37:29.000
That's the go-to place if you're going to murder somebody, right?
00:37:32.000
Like, it's right there, and they never investigate anything.
00:37:46.000
132 politicians have been killed since campaigning began.
00:37:59.000
If we just made drugs legal, there would be none of this going on.
00:38:04.000
Yeah, this is worse than when Pablo Escobar was out.
00:38:07.000
Well, Pablo Escobar, it's a very similar situation.
00:38:14.000
I mean, when you make drugs illegal, only criminals are selling drugs, and there's massive amounts of money because people love their cocaine.
00:38:28.000
Like, I prefer, like, I've done shrooms and weed, and that's it.
00:38:50.000
I'll smoke when I'm with friends, but I don't drink by myself, and I don't.
00:38:54.000
When I go home, I've had a bottle of liquor, a vodka that's been in my freezer over a year now.
00:39:14.000
And this was before anybody could just walk into a dispensary.
00:39:17.000
Because now you just have to show your ID and you can get anything from the dispensary.
00:39:25.000
And it was this lemon bar that said award winning on it.
00:39:29.000
And me being the weed novice, I was like, oh, this is going to be award winning because of the taste, right?
00:39:46.000
I was laying down and I was in my bed and I sat up and I said, am I talking to myself?
00:39:56.000
I went on my phone to get on Twitter to make sure the world was still happening because I felt like I was in some weird Twilight Zone episode.
00:40:05.000
So I got on there and then I forced myself to go to sleep because I was like, I can't be awake like this.
00:40:20.000
Yeah, I gave my friend an edible and he called me up a day later and said, I'm still high.
00:40:26.000
If you don't know what you're doing with it, because I had a conversation with someone else the other day and they were like, I ate four Rice Krispie Treats.
00:40:32.000
And I was like, why would you eat four of them?
00:40:37.000
He called the cops and then went to a hospital because he thought he was dying.
00:40:42.000
Do you ever see the one where it was a 911 call?
00:40:47.000
They pulled them over and then the cops used the weed to make pot brownies and then they ate the pot brownies and they called 911 on themselves.
00:41:00.000
But what's hilarious is it's a fucking 911 call from a cop.
00:41:05.000
And the cop is calling to get an ambulance because he's saying the time is moving slowly.
00:41:10.000
And they stole the weed from these fucking kids that they pulled over.
00:41:19.000
It's one of my all-time favorite 911 calls because it's just so stupid.
00:41:32.000
The cop had to, he resigned before he got in trouble for A, taking the weed, and B, using it.
00:41:42.000
I mean, you're kind of, at that point, you kind of have to.
00:41:44.000
Yeah, he called 911, and we're talking about it on a podcast years later.
00:41:49.000
You never, that fucking, I guarantee you the video has probably been played a million times, easily.
00:42:26.000
See, pot is something that even when you're having an overdose, people laugh at you.
00:42:34.000
Those are the stiffest fucking people on the planet.
00:42:52.000
It's interesting, because we're all kind of in the...
00:43:05.000
It's like people who don't have enough personality?
00:43:09.000
If you have any personality, they'll kick you off the air.
00:43:11.000
The only thing you can have is you could be one of those weather girls with a big ass.
00:43:21.000
That was the first thing when I moved out to LA. That was one of the first things I noticed with the LA weather people or the weather women.
00:43:42.000
Yeah, there's one, I think it's South America, there's one famous lady.
00:43:47.000
She's like one of the hottest women on the planet.
00:44:04.000
And one time we were in like a CVS and I jokingly picked it up and I was like, Bobby, buy me this.
00:44:15.000
They're corsets that, you know, I've read articles that you say you're not supposed to wear these things because it binds.
00:44:25.000
Yeah, so that's why I'm like, I'm not gonna be happy and promote that for women, hurting ourselves to look good.
00:44:32.000
I'd rather have a thick waist than have a kidney in my neck.
00:44:46.000
I'm like an athletic build, so I don't have a tiny waist.
00:44:58.000
This is a conversation I never get into with guys.
00:45:11.000
Don't I? Do I? I'm allowed to say I have a thick waist.
00:45:21.000
But even so, like women, we can say that and we know that men, some men or a lot of men like it, but being called thick never makes us feel good about ourselves.
00:45:30.000
Even if we know that men like it, it still makes it...
00:45:39.000
Guaranteed there's girls out there that like being thick.
00:45:47.000
Because I know I've had conversations with other women that have been like, oh look, I used to be, when I was in high school, I was probably 20, 25 pounds heavier than what I am right now.
00:45:59.000
I didn't know how to eat properly because, so...
00:46:24.000
I would come home and eat, like, a bag of, like, low-fat pretzels.
00:46:28.000
Like, a bag of those Snyders of Hanover pretzels.
00:46:42.000
There's so many of those low-fat items that are just way worse for you.
00:46:57.000
There's another thing that's kind of trending right now, but it's not just gluten.
00:47:12.000
Yeah, but it's all like nobody knows what the repercussions of any of these things are.
00:47:15.000
Like paleo might be good for temporary, but in the long term, we don't know the damage it's going to be doing.
00:47:27.000
It's just no preservatives, no artificial flavors.
00:47:37.000
You don't have to worry about that being a trend.
00:47:51.000
This is the most recent one where they only eat meat.
00:47:59.000
I have a friend with pretty severe autoimmune disease and it's gone because of eating only carnivore diet.
00:48:05.000
His daughter had her hip replaced and her ankle replaced.
00:48:08.000
She has terrible arthritis with carnivore diet gone.
00:48:11.000
Some people have a really adverse reaction to carbohydrates.
00:48:25.000
See, people say things like that, like you just said that.
00:48:30.000
Dietary cholesterol doesn't have any impact on blood lipids.
00:48:33.000
It doesn't have any impact on your blood cholesterol.
00:48:35.000
This is where cholesterol is bad, when you have cholesterol and high carbohydrates.
00:48:40.000
Because when your body is burning a lot of carbohydrates, your body is in fat storing mode.
00:48:47.000
So if you eat a bunch of fat and carbohydrates, you're just going to get fat as fuck.
00:48:51.000
But if you do just the animal fat, then your body loses weight, believe it or not.
00:48:57.000
Yeah, no, I know about that part, but I didn't know the cholesterol part.
00:49:04.000
If you are on a high-fat, low-carb diet, you cannot eat large amounts of carbohydrates.
00:49:09.000
Because if you do, it's just going to go right to fat.
00:49:15.000
Well, it's going to burn the carbohydrates, and it's going to take all the fat you take in and just store it.
00:49:35.000
It's literally just being like, fat, love your body.
00:49:40.000
But it's also promoting unhealthy behaviors, I think, also.
00:49:46.000
Well, we want to give people a free pass by saying, be body positive.
00:50:16.000
Well, it's not right, but you should make fun of somebody for the way they look.
00:50:22.000
But we shouldn't be promoting an unhealthy lifestyle.
00:50:25.000
And also, like Tom Segura said, that people making fun of his weight is the reason why he lost weight.
00:50:30.000
He's like, fat shaming was very effective on me.
00:50:33.000
He lost the weight because people were fat shaming him.
00:50:45.000
I know people that are, like, proud of their alcoholism.
00:51:03.000
Like, they're just like, they're giving themselves an out?
00:51:08.000
Yeah, I think to them, it's because of, we're accepting everything now, that it's just like, it's just fun behavior.
00:51:14.000
Like, I'm fun when I'm drunk, and it's just, and that's fine.
00:51:18.000
You can be fun, but also, you know, there's Ubers.
00:51:26.000
There's no excuse for that, especially in Hollywood.
00:51:29.000
I mean, that fucking comedy store parking lot, you can't get out of it because it's always jammed up with Lyfts and Ubers.
00:51:36.000
But it's great that people are choosing to have somebody drive them around.
00:51:40.000
Still, the whole thing about Ubers is like, how much background check are they doing on those freaks?
00:51:46.000
I'm positive I've gotten in a Lyft driver, or Uber driver, because I used to do Uber, but they suck, so I started doing Lyft.
00:51:54.000
But yeah, I'm sure I got in an Uber at one point where somebody was drunker than I was.
00:52:06.000
I feel like being, because you don't drink at all, do you?
00:52:11.000
I just feel like I have such a non-addictive personality, and I feel that most people are addicted to things.
00:52:20.000
And that's why it's also tough for me, like, dating also.
00:52:25.000
It's because I see I know that a lot of people that I have, you know, been on dates with or whatever, it's like, oh, this lifestyle is not conducive to what I'm trying to do.
00:52:36.000
Because you find you go on dates with guys who are getting fucked up a lot?
00:52:49.000
So yeah, I actually, the last app that I got on was like, it's called Meet Mindful.
00:52:55.000
Because I wanted to, like, find people who were...
00:53:00.000
Somebody who is just more present and maybe likes themselves a little bit more so they don't have to get drunk all the time to be with themselves.
00:53:09.000
Well, they were like, you gotta pay $30 a month.
00:53:12.000
And I was like, maybe I'm not looking for love right now.
00:53:21.000
And that's why I'm hesitant to pay again, because I got nothing.
00:53:28.000
I thought eHarmony instantly finds the love of your dreams, and then you sit down with them on a couch, and they do a video with you.
00:53:48.000
You promise me dick by month three or I get a refund.
00:53:52.000
You know, I called and I said I would like a refund.
00:53:57.000
And I said, these dudes are like fours, like all of them.
00:54:02.000
They were just, all of them were like the worst looking people I had ever seen.
00:54:06.000
And she was like, you have so many messages that you haven't responded to.
00:54:11.000
Like, I'm not going to respond to any of these dudes.
00:54:16.000
And not just like physically, but just like the photo, like terrifying looking.
00:54:20.000
Like serial killers, like don't know, like pictures of just a forehead.
00:54:33.000
I know several people that are in the dating app world.
00:54:37.000
They're swiping right all the time, swiping left.
00:54:50.000
I tried to swipe black, but there wasn't an option.
00:54:54.000
No, I've dated a couple of white dudes in my life.
00:55:07.000
So out of your study group, white people are gay and pathological liars.
00:55:54.000
No one who gets up in the morning and runs early.
00:55:58.000
I'll be meditating while he's running, so that's fine.
00:56:02.000
Yeah, but I just don't want someone who, like, might be on steroids.
00:56:13.000
Like, when you fill out one of them eHarmony things, what do you have to write?
00:56:15.000
You write what your occupation is, what you're looking for.
00:56:22.000
Do you write, I'm looking for a meaningful relationship with a person of my dreams?
00:56:25.000
Women already have to swat the dicks away without writing, I'm looking for dick.
00:56:37.000
And if I wanted that, I'd be on Tinder, you know?
00:56:45.000
So if you just want some dick, Tinder's the way to go.
00:56:57.000
I was reading this thing that said that there's a spread.
00:57:01.000
It said, is Tinder and Grindr, are they responsible in any way for the spread of STDs from their apps?
00:57:11.000
They don't owe a goddamn thing to those horny freaks sticking their dicks.
00:57:19.000
But they're saying, should they take responsibility?
00:57:22.000
But I guarantee that more people are hooking up because of these things.
00:57:35.000
But it's a weird time where, like, people are getting in trouble for things that other people are doing.
00:57:40.000
No one's taking personal responsibility for their own mistakes.
00:57:45.000
I've heard stories about, like, gay dudes, man, they are so trifling.
00:57:50.000
My friend, a gay dude, was telling me about what the behavior in gay gyms, how, like, they have in the shower...
00:58:00.000
There's a signal so that if you want somebody to come up in there and just ram you...
00:58:07.000
Yeah, you leave the curtain partially open and that's kind of like a signal to be like, okay, if you want to come up in here and get some, you can.
00:58:14.000
And I was talking to a friend, I was like, what if you didn't know that rule and you accidentally leave the curtain open just because you didn't close it properly?
00:58:24.000
Well, every time I've been in gyms around gay people, I used to belong to Gold's Gym on Cole.
00:58:34.000
And that's where we used to film news radio right down the street from there.
00:58:43.000
And when I would go there, not that there's anything wrong with that, but when I would go there, you'd get that feeling that a girl gets all the time.
00:58:59.000
Girls hitting on you is like, if you want, you can come over here.
00:59:02.000
Guys hitting on you is like, if you want, I'll come over there.
00:59:08.000
Did I? Michael Jackson when he's not using this falsetto voice?
00:59:12.000
But it's an uncomfortable feeling knowing that guys want to fuck you.
00:59:15.000
Like I couldn't imagine being a girl just trying to navigate my way through dudes.
00:59:31.000
So your neighbor, when they found that guy, was he hot?
00:59:51.000
If you'd like me to take you out for drinks and just...
01:00:06.000
The terrifying part is that I don't know who it was.
01:00:10.000
And even the way my neighbors described him was that it actually, the way they described him did describe someone that I know and consider a friend.
01:00:20.000
But then when I showed my neighbor the picture of the person I was talking about, they were like, no, I don't think that's him.
01:00:24.000
But still now in the back of my head, I'm like, what if it was?
01:00:27.000
So now my friendship with this person has been a little strained because of it.
01:00:38.000
Women have to worry about shit that guys don't have to worry about.
01:00:42.000
Yeah, there are no girls outside your window whispering, Well, they are, but it's because you dated them before and you wronged them and you cheated on them or did something and now she's stalking you.
01:00:54.000
Or you found out they're crazy and they know where you live now.
01:00:59.000
I'm very interested in all of relationship behavior and crimes of passion.
01:01:34.000
Not so much anymore, but it's been on for a long time.
01:01:37.000
And the woman is just like, can't put up with the shit anymore.
01:01:42.000
Like her dude's cheating on her or like taking her money or abusing her or whatever.
01:02:01.000
Next thing you know, there's a dick flying across the...
01:02:09.000
I don't want to be a victim of a crime of passion.
01:02:19.000
What's the craziest thing a girlfriend has ever done to you?
01:02:30.000
I've been pretty good at navigating those waters.
01:02:39.000
When they're really hot and they're also crazy, like, damn, this might be worth a risk.
01:02:45.000
It was a YouTube clip and the guy drew a chart And it was like a chart of crazy to hotness.
01:02:54.000
And it's like all the hot chicks are always crazy.
01:02:57.000
And it basically tells you in what range you have to find the normal woman.
01:03:26.000
And if you get the really erotic women, they're almost always psychotic or neurotic or crazy.
01:03:38.000
They're just the ones that really want to rock your world.
01:03:50.000
Again, my parents loved me, which means I don't do anal.
01:04:01.000
If your parents love you too much, you might not be as ambitious.
01:04:09.000
Like, I'm definitely, you know, I've been doing this for, like, 10 years now.
01:04:16.000
So it's like, yeah, no, I definitely have goals and I'm achieving them.
01:04:19.000
But it's also, I'm also not like, what we were talking about earlier, like the CEOs of these corporations.
01:04:26.000
Like, I just want to do what I love and make good money doing it.
01:04:34.000
Not store, but like in LA. I started the first place I got up, you know, doing open mics and stuff, but I didn't want to go to the store at first because I was like, I don't want to go there if I'm not funny yet.
01:04:44.000
Then who knows is going to see me and they're going to be like, oh, she's not funny.
01:04:47.000
Like December of 2014, so almost 2015. Oh, so that was right when I came back.
01:04:54.000
Yes, it was right when you came back because that was right.
01:04:56.000
I was the first, me and Earl Skakel were the first people that Adam passed when he got promoted to that position.
01:05:03.000
Yeah, because I don't know if Tommy was ever going to pass me.
01:05:12.000
So when I came back, I got to see the whole new crop.
01:05:16.000
There was a whole new crop of people in the seven years that I was gone.
01:05:26.000
If Tommy didn't get fired and Adam didn't take over, I would have still been gone.
01:05:36.000
It was healthy to get away from the store for a little bit.
01:05:49.000
But haven't you noticed that the energy has changed since Adam was taken over?
01:05:55.000
It's a different place just because of the vibe of the Comedy Store is now also fortified by the internet.
01:06:01.000
It's like people who love the place because it's this iconic historical landmark.
01:06:12.000
When I was a kid, when I was first starting out, I had heard about the Comedy Store.
01:06:16.000
You know, because Sam Kinison started out there and Richard Pryor was always there.
01:06:23.000
When I came out here, I was already on a sitcom and I didn't get past the store.
01:06:28.000
I was a non-paid regular so I was able to go on at the end of the shows.
01:06:32.000
When I first got here, when I got passed as a paid regular, it was like the happiest moment of my life.
01:06:42.000
Like, that to me was bigger than being on a television show.
01:06:45.000
But back then, the Comedy Store was a ghost town.
01:06:51.000
You'd go on a Friday night, there'd be 30 people in the audience.
01:06:55.000
And there was a lot of boat acts still floating around.
01:07:02.000
Kinnison age was like 84 to 87, 88. And in that time, that guy was just running rampant and destroying.
01:07:18.000
And then when he died, that place was a ghost town.
01:07:23.000
I came along in 94, and there was no one there.
01:07:26.000
So it went from being this jam-packed, like, I would always hear, like, all these celebrities come to see Kinnison do spots late at 9, and be like, whoa, that must have been nuts.
01:07:34.000
Yeah, John Belushi would be there, and Jack Nicholson, and all these different people.
01:07:38.000
And then you go there, I don't know if it was John Belushi, he was probably dead by then.
01:07:52.000
But I know Jack Nicholson and a bunch of other celebrities who go to see Kinison.
01:07:55.000
And I remember thinking, man, nobody famous comes here now.
01:08:12.000
It was like, what a time for me to be a regular at the store.
01:08:19.000
Because I know so many people that were door guys back when I've heard stories.
01:08:23.000
Bobby would tell me stories from when he used to work there and Freddie Lockhart when they were door guys.
01:08:42.000
I met Bobby who's a door guy at the La Jolla store.
01:08:46.000
When I met Bobby, it was like 1994 or some shit like that.
01:08:50.000
We went to a strip club and he almost got killed.
01:08:57.000
He's hitting on some girl and apparently she was dating some Mexican gangbanger and this guy who had long black hair and tattoos on his face in the 90s.
01:09:13.000
And then he was looking over at me and they're talking to his friends.
01:09:23.000
And Bobby's like, those guys aren't going to do shit.
01:09:41.000
And Bobby's like, those guys ain't gonna do shit.
01:09:46.000
Well, he was, you know, 21 years old or whatever the fuck he was.
01:09:51.000
I mean, he's still childlike in many ways, but yes.
01:09:59.000
I was like, you're the most patient woman in the world to deal with him.
01:10:18.000
Them and also I know a couple that was getting married this weekend who met on Tinder.
01:10:26.000
I know for sure it is me because I refuse to settle.
01:10:31.000
How do you think, using your vision board and all of your manifesting, how can you just...
01:10:37.000
How can you get someone in your life that you need in your life?
01:10:45.000
Every time I think of your name, I think of Tyrone Figgums.
01:10:51.000
I don't know if you know this about me, Joe Rogan.
01:10:55.000
I mean, I knew you from Fear Factor, but I also...
01:10:59.000
Before I even knew I'd be doing stand-up when I'm watching this Chappelle show.
01:11:02.000
And I just remember, it makes me laugh so much.
01:11:16.000
And I can't because every time I try to do an original crackhead impression just from my own inspiration and from watching other real crackheads, I can't do it because the default crackhead is now Tyrone Biggums.
01:11:30.000
And I'm like, I can't do it because I can't do Tyrone Biggums on stage.
01:11:34.000
There's certain people that create characters that forever...
01:11:37.000
Yeah, that's the crackhead for the rest of time.
01:11:48.000
Isn't it amazing that that show was only two seasons?
01:11:58.000
And even more amazing that he just said, fuck it, and left.
01:12:09.000
I was on Comedy Central at the time, and I saw the management and how it was working there.
01:12:16.000
Whenever you tell people that aren't funny, that are executives, tell them to manage funny, they don't know what the fuck they're doing.
01:12:31.000
Let him and Neil Brennan figure out Figure out what they're doing and just get out of the way.
01:12:37.000
Yeah, and you saw the success of what had happened with what they did with that control.
01:12:41.000
Yeah, you know, they tried to do a bunch of shit with him.
01:12:43.000
First of all, they tried to get him to change his language, stop using the N-word.
01:12:48.000
They wanted him to stop using it because they would get more ads.
01:12:50.000
It was all about people not comfortable with advertising with certain kind of sketches, so they wanted to maximize their profits.
01:12:58.000
Well, so tone down the show a little, maximize their profits, and Dave was like, I see where this is going.
01:13:06.000
Imagine the executives when they found that he was really quitting.
01:13:14.000
Yeah, he doesn't like the way you guys are shaping the show, so he's going to quit, and he's in Africa now.
01:13:31.000
You know, people don't remember, but for a while, Dave was doing shows and he wasn't getting paid.
01:13:42.000
He put up his own PA system and started doing stand-up in the park.
01:13:50.000
He would just show up places and start doing stand-up.
01:13:55.000
You know, when I met Dave, I met Dave, he's like, I was 21, he was like 18, something like that.
01:14:02.000
I was like 24 and he was 18. And he would do shows outside.
01:14:12.000
And then after we did the gig in Montreal, we came downstairs outside of Club Soda.
01:14:15.000
And he just started doing stand-up on the street.
01:14:19.000
He goes, ladies and gentlemen, ladies and gentlemen, gather round.
01:14:25.000
And then he would start doing stand-up on the street.
01:14:30.000
Charlie Burnett, he was like an old-school New York character who did a lot of street comedy.
01:14:45.000
He got these giant crowds and would walk around a park and get everybody to gather around.
01:14:52.000
And he was such a showman that people would just sit and wait and he would do stand-up.
01:15:26.000
But I'm not gonna fuck with the Puerto Ricans, man, because y'all born with knives!
01:15:31.000
Y'all cut me up and I won't even know what you're saying!
01:15:46.000
That's when people were dying of AIDS. Yeah, back when AIDS would kill you.
01:15:52.000
Yeah, don't whine if you got AIDS. My uncle's got leukemia.
01:16:00.000
But Charlie Burnett influenced Dave, and Dave would do that kind of stand-up.
01:16:06.000
Dave would just do stand-up in front of a club.
01:16:09.000
And people would just gather around and watch him.
01:16:12.000
And I remember thinking, like, wow, that's not really me.
01:16:16.000
But man, that kind of detachment, to be able to just be free in front of a crowd like that.
01:16:25.000
And, you know, we've performed in all different types of really terrible places.
01:16:29.000
You know, when you're coming up and you're just doing open mics in bars and, like, coffee shops or whatever.
01:16:33.000
And I still, to this day, roll my eyes when it's an outdoor venue.
01:16:40.000
Because, you know, there's nothing to trap the sound.
01:16:47.000
That happens with arenas, too, when you do stand-up in an arena.
01:16:58.000
What's on your vision board that's weird, besides dick?
01:17:11.000
It's actually not on my vision board, but I do visualize it.
01:17:16.000
Do you visualize you strolling with a tiny bag with a dog in it?
01:17:20.000
And you got like a cigarette holder and giant glasses?
01:17:30.000
Stroll on with high-heeled stilettos and a tight skirt.
01:17:43.000
No, my private jet is going to be much more basic than that.
01:17:47.000
I just want a plane where I can fart freely and not have to worry about other people.
01:17:52.000
One time I held a fart from Cincinnati to Los Angeles.
01:18:08.000
But what if it was your plane and you had a stewardess?
01:18:15.000
They change it to flight attendant because they have male flight attendants.
01:18:32.000
They're more feminine than me, but yes, they're still men.
01:18:35.000
I went to the dentist today and I had to fill out one of them.
01:18:40.000
I had to fill out this form, and on the form it said sex.
01:19:08.000
People think that there's supposed to be something else.
01:19:11.000
They're like a person, but really they're an animal that's trapped in a person's body.
01:19:19.000
When people ask me, how does it feel to be a cat?
01:19:25.000
Whoever your dad is, hey, dude, who's her dad, fuck you.
01:20:03.000
Who is this dude that she just had a baby not that long ago?
01:20:19.000
That dude could have got it from somewhere else.
01:20:27.000
I know dudes who are unattractive, poor, sleeping on someone else's couch and they're still getting vagina.
01:20:44.000
That's going to be the name of my first special.
01:20:47.000
Actually, no, the name of my first special is not going to be I'm a very busy man.
01:20:50.000
This book will not be that good because my parents loved me.
01:20:54.000
The special ain't gonna be funny because my parents loved me.
01:20:57.000
I just finished everything because my parents loved me.
01:21:05.000
You're not crazy, ambitious to the point where you're willing to step, walk on people's backs.
01:21:17.000
You know, that narcissistic personality disorder, sociopathy comes from some type of neglect or abuse in childhood.
01:21:28.000
You know, people attention starved and they just want fame.
01:21:33.000
You got the people who really just love the craft of it.
01:21:36.000
They really are great actors or great comics, writers.
01:21:40.000
And then you have the kind that just want to be famous, who don't give a crap about, you know...
01:21:44.000
What it takes to actually, you know, hone that skill and become the best at that.
01:21:49.000
And some of them pretend to be the other thing.
01:21:58.000
Like, they pretend to be interested in the craft of comedy.
01:22:17.000
You and I don't have anything to do with anybody getting stage time.
01:22:24.000
I believe my pain when I was a kid was just feeling like I didn't fit in.
01:22:30.000
Like out there when you were telling me, you're not black.
01:22:35.000
And so I grew up feeling like I didn't fit in anywhere.
01:22:38.000
Well, you are a certain percentage African-American.
01:22:49.000
There's black, Native American, and there's white.
01:22:51.000
But yeah, if you saw my family, you'd be like, there's no white people in this family.
01:22:55.000
If you saw my family, you'd be like, somebody somewhere along the line fucked a chimp.
01:23:02.000
You know, I think this is what I think about my family.
01:23:07.000
I feel like, you know how people evolve from apes?
01:23:12.000
I think somewhere along the line, somebody went back when they shouldn't have.
01:23:18.000
They were like, well, you know, it wasn't so bad when we were fucking these apes over here.
01:23:30.000
She would let me stick stuff wherever I wanted to stick stuff.
01:23:36.000
She was warm to cuddle with in the winter months.
01:23:41.000
Every single human, if you trace them all the way back.
01:23:53.000
I'm supposed to be mostly Italian and I have like a quarter Irish in me.
01:24:04.000
In my DNA. If maybe a German got in the mix, or an African, or a Moroccan, or who knows?
01:24:18.000
If I find out I'm whiter than I am, I'll just walk into traffic.
01:24:31.000
It's crazy because like you have like me and my sister, we were from the same parents, but she had a completely different childhood than me because no one ever questioned.
01:24:39.000
She never got her hair pulled by like darker skin black girls, whereas I did.
01:24:58.000
So your comedy is sort of like you had a personality that was kind of compensating for not fitting in.
01:25:04.000
Yeah, I started being funny because I felt like that could distract people from...
01:25:11.000
So the one thing that everyone can agree on is that we like jokes and we like laughing.
01:25:15.000
So I became like a class clown and just would...
01:25:17.000
I was like, oh, people like me now and I don't have to worry about them wondering what I am and trying to put me in a box.
01:25:31.000
That's exactly how I describe it because a lot of comics are like, oh, I was molested by my father or somebody.
01:25:39.000
But yeah, people always come to me and they're like...
01:25:44.000
You don't have any vices and you weren't touched by an uncle.
01:26:08.000
At one point, I was working at Sylvan Learning Center.
01:26:13.000
I was a center director for Sylvan Learning Center at one point.
01:26:22.000
I was in Glendale, and I was also in Santa Clarita.
01:26:26.000
Yeah, but I was an assistant director at the Glendale, and I was a full-on center director at Santa Clarita.
01:26:33.000
But then after that, I also worked at a nail salon.
01:26:36.000
I worked at a Vietnamese nail salon for a minute at the front desk.
01:26:40.000
Yeah, I worked in Toluca Lake at a place called Oasis Nail Spa.
01:26:43.000
Shout out to all my Vietnamese nail technicians who still work there.
01:26:52.000
I actually met a lot of people working there because it's by the studio.
01:27:00.000
Well, when he was still married, him and his wife and his daughter would come in.
01:27:08.000
But you know who did come in and get his nails done?
01:27:15.000
Everyone that comes in there is married, gets divorced.
01:27:18.000
I don't think it has to do with a salon or a restaurant.
01:27:36.000
My stepfather and my mother are still together.
01:27:39.000
They've been together since I was a little kid.
01:27:57.000
I saw a terrible relationship with my mother and my father.
01:28:06.000
And then when we moved in with my mother's parents, we lived there for a while and then we got an apartment.
01:28:13.000
After my mom had you know escaped from my dad and then when my mom met my stepdad It was a totally different relationship.
01:28:22.000
He's a hippie and he was like this really nice guy.
01:28:26.000
No, just he was just he was you know, he's an architect and he was just a different kind of guy.
01:28:35.000
Do you ever wonder about like how you would like what your personality would be like now if your mom had stayed with your dad like longer?
01:28:48.000
I don't have a tendency towards violence because I'm not a violent person in terms of my actual actions, but I understand it.
01:29:03.000
And that's why I got into fighting, and that's why...
01:29:08.000
I think for every boy, especially every boy that grew up.
01:29:12.000
I mean, obviously, situations could have been way worse than mine.
01:29:19.000
It wasn't terrible in terms of, like, I didn't get abused.
01:29:24.000
Saw it and I saw a lot of I saw plenty of violence So it's like I knew it was a thing and if I grew up around it would eventually start to affect me and I would have been a part of it right for sure and the problem is you mirror that you know like Guys who grow up with dads who beat their mom are way more likely to beat their wives or their girlfriends or you know Absolutely or maybe the opposite Maybe just hate it so much because you've seen it that you would never allow it right But I think
01:29:54.000
for young men, like having some sort of event, something, martial arts especially, because you could actually get out the violence where you purge it from your system.
01:30:10.000
Because I have no idea what it's like to be a man.
01:30:17.000
A decent amount of testosterone for a woman, because I was a tomboy when I was a little girl.
01:30:22.000
And I was never into dresses and stuff like that when I was younger.
01:30:26.000
I never envisioned getting married and having this huge wedding.
01:30:32.000
Whenever it was Halloween, I would dress up as a boy.
01:30:36.000
My sister would be a princess and I'd be like the Hulk.
01:30:42.000
I've always gravitated towards a more masculine...
01:30:45.000
Even doing stand-up is a very masculine thing to do.
01:30:56.000
Fighting the urge to be violent, because I don't know.
01:31:04.000
This is kind of a weird way of looking at it, but this is the way I look at it.
01:31:12.000
Functional endocrine system who has testosterone, has been involved in sports, who is fairly athletic.
01:31:26.000
If that door gets opened, crazy shit can happen.
01:31:31.000
But the more fucked up things that happen in your life, the more your house gets rocked, the more your foundation gets fucked up, the more your joists start to creak and move left and right, and things are off-center and off-plum, then that door opens way easier.
01:31:55.000
And so for someone who's been around a lot of violence, like people who grew up in terrible neighborhoods, been involved in gang violence, that kind of shit, that door is always ready to pop open.
01:32:06.000
Whereas someone who grew up, like my friend Todd, one of the nicest guys, super sweet guy, I couldn't imagine him beating anybody up.
01:32:23.000
Whereas I have other friends, but if you fucking, if you brush up against that door too much, yeah.
01:32:29.000
Joey Diaz, if you knock on that door when he's asleep, he'll fucking punch you in the head.
01:32:40.000
And he doesn't do much, but if it happens, if the wrong thing happens, that door comes swinging open.
01:32:49.000
We don't teach kids how to deal with their emotions properly.
01:33:01.000
I'm in the middle of watching that wild, wild country show.
01:33:16.000
What the fuck's the point in having a cult if you don't get some pussy?
01:33:24.000
When was the last time a girl ran a cult, by the way?
01:33:36.000
But she was running stuff while she was there because that dude never left his room.
01:33:39.000
Yeah, but Sheila was only in power because of Homeboy.
01:33:54.000
You got to have the look of the holy man, right?
01:33:59.000
Have to drive around in Bentleys and Rolls Royces.
01:34:04.000
How many of these cars, these luxurious cars do you need?
01:34:20.000
And my question is, when they're going into a cult, do they know it's a cult?
01:34:25.000
Or do they think it's literally like a legit religious organization that they're just joining?
01:34:33.000
Because Christianity is often, by scholars, referred to as a cult.
01:34:37.000
You know, like, there's certain documentaries on Christianity that refer to it as the cult of Christianity.
01:34:42.000
Like, what a cult is is a group of people that follow an ideology.
01:34:45.000
They follow a certain way and pattern of being.
01:34:48.000
So, these people are doing that exact same thing.
01:34:52.000
Until someone from, like, the fucking FBI starts calling it a cult, like, you don't...
01:35:04.000
Because, you know, as if your leader is fucking.
01:35:09.000
That, to me, is a red flag, because if you look at religious organizations in general, the one thing that's frowned upon in all of them is too much sex, or any sex, really, any type of promiscuity.
01:35:21.000
And that's, I think, across the board with religions, just in general.
01:35:26.000
They're like, you should have sex to procreate, and that's it, with the person that you're married to.
01:35:30.000
But with that, where they're like, this group sex, I think we might be in a cult.
01:35:37.000
Yeah, as soon as the dude starts fucking everybody's wives.
01:35:51.000
That is the thing though, but that's the thing with men.
01:35:54.000
Like men, when they get into power, anytime a man runs a giant organization, has all these followers, and he gets to stand onto a stage out in this grassy field filled with people who are bowing to him, that guy's going to get his dick sucked.
01:36:21.000
You can drive Rolls Royce number 17. Come on for a ride.
01:36:56.000
He dresses real nice, he talks about Jesus, and he gets people excited, and they give him their money.
01:37:03.000
That's what he wants, and he's got fucking millions of it.
01:37:12.000
He's probably getting some serious God-loving pussy.
01:37:18.000
Yeah, he's got a direct line to go, Jesus said.
01:37:34.000
As long as it's obvious, like, is a con bad if it's real obvious?
01:37:46.000
But like you were talking about with the cults, when you're in it, it's like, I don't think they can see it.
01:37:54.000
Selling food for people that are scared the world's gonna end.
01:38:14.000
There have been studies that have proven that whatever that artificial sweetener is that they put in there, it causes you.
01:38:31.000
If you're so fucking stupid, you buy into that guy's shit, you deserve to lose all of it.
01:38:37.000
I remember growing up and watching sketches on Mad TV or whatever, where they would be making fun of...
01:38:48.000
He'd be on TV. The Lord is moving me to speech.
01:39:01.000
He said, every time you write a check to me, Satan gets a black eye.
01:39:07.000
Every time you write a check to me, Satan gets a black eye.
01:39:21.000
If you're so stupid, you're like, holy Satan, I smite thee.
01:40:00.000
Even Robert Tilden went down with all his money.
01:40:39.000
As soon as he touches down, they shoot the hookers.
01:41:03.000
They made like a million dollars off that song.
01:41:05.000
Yeah, he made some money and Dana White brought him to a UFC. Because he was gay, right?
01:41:12.000
And then went to church and said he wasn't gay anymore.
01:41:17.000
It was very sad because he was saying that he was ashamed of being gay and that the church was going to pray the gay away.
01:41:32.000
And this idea that you could change someone from being gay is so fucking stupid.
01:41:41.000
You just need better people around you to tell you you're okay.
01:42:01.000
There's a lot of people in the closet out here.
01:42:04.000
There's people in show business that I know that are in the closet.
01:42:12.000
And then when you meet guys like Todd Glass, who did get out of the closet, who's so much happier now.
01:42:17.000
He's like, it's just a giant burden relieved off my back.
01:42:32.000
It's bad for straight people because it's even bad for people who are homophobes because they don't realize how many people are really gay.
01:42:38.000
And if they did, they would probably be like, oh, maybe this is normal.
01:42:44.000
It's no different than having blue eyes or black hair or whatever the fuck it is.
01:42:58.000
Well, Johnny Cash, my Mastiff, he'll take a leak.
01:43:02.000
Marshall will come over and lick his dick right after he takes a leak.
01:43:05.000
I'm like, Marshall, get the fuck away from his dick, man.
01:43:26.000
I've had dogs since I had enough money to have dogs.
01:43:29.000
The moment when I moved to LA and I had a sitcom, I'm like, okay, I can pay my rent, I'm getting a dog.
01:43:35.000
I just want to make sure that I'd be able to have, like, I don't want to have to burden somebody when I go out of town.
01:43:41.000
They have places where you can go that are really good.
01:43:43.000
They'll even train your dog while they have them.
01:43:52.000
First of all, when I came here, you said, I look like I have a kid.
01:44:02.000
I think someone said it was probably some girl hated on you.
01:44:15.000
I don't even know where I got it from, but somebody brought it up.
01:44:23.000
I think you'd be very good at taking care of a dog.
01:44:28.000
But my place that I have, I have a nice size place, but I still would like to have property if I have a big dog.
01:44:34.000
So I would probably want a smaller one just for the sake of, you know, it's limited.
01:44:55.000
Well, wait, what do you mean she has, like, that...
01:45:07.000
And I go to her, talk to her about dog questions.
01:45:13.000
She goes, first of all, she talks to you like this.
01:45:32.000
Yeah, no, but I know so many people think I'm weird because I wouldn't want my dog in my bed.
01:45:56.000
But I'm also one of those ones that like those little tiny ones that probably annoy you.
01:46:09.000
The only dogs I feel bad for are those bulldogs with those fat faces.
01:46:20.000
Yeah, they look like I got punched in the face.
01:46:27.000
Well, they've made them that way on purpose because they want their face to be flattened out.
01:46:41.000
So if you get a man, then you get rid of the dog?
01:46:42.000
Getting the dog is more realistic for me than getting a man.
01:46:44.000
Well, if you get a dog, and then you have a man, you go, well, this is one too many things.
01:47:12.000
Now you're going to come and do my podcast, huh?
01:47:46.000
So yeah, CandaceThompsonComedy.com and Jokes by Candace on Twitter and Instagram.