The Joe Rogan Experience - Joe Rogan Experience #1148

00:00:00.000 Oh, we're live.

00:00:02.000 What are you guys betting on?

00:00:04.000 Look around real quick.

00:00:05.000 What's new?

00:00:08.000 Easy.

00:00:08.000 It's easier than you think.

00:00:11.000 Bruce Lee?

00:00:12.000 Bruce Lee.

00:00:13.000 Yeah, but still, though.

00:00:15.000 He didn't say it.

00:00:15.000 He goes, I wonder if he'll say it right as he gets on.

00:00:17.000 I said, no, I should have bet you money.

00:00:18.000 I was going to say it.

00:00:19.000 You did look this way.

00:00:20.000 You just seen it right away.

00:00:21.000 No, I saw it immediately.

00:00:23.000 Bruce!

00:00:23.000 It's pretty dope.

00:00:24.000 It is dope.

00:00:25.000 Yeah.

00:00:26.000 They just sent those in.

00:00:27.000 This guy's a bad motherfucker.

00:00:28.000 Plastic cell.

00:00:30.000 He made some awesome shit.

00:00:31.000 There's a great hip-hop album I used to listen to in high school, and they used one of his quotes, one of my favorites.

00:00:35.000 He says, honestly expressing oneself is really hard to do.

00:00:39.000 I can use really fancy movements and show you really crazy things, but to honestly express myself, that is really hard to do.

00:00:48.000 It's like a beautiful little sound clip before they start the song, but it's like just him talking to someone.

00:00:53.000 Isn't it humbling when someone dies really young like he does, and they did way more in their life than you ever will?

00:00:59.000 Makes me sad.

00:01:00.000 Like, what am I gonna do?

00:01:02.000 You'd stop and think about it.

00:01:03.000 Like, who the fuck else has had that kind of an impact?

00:01:06.000 And, you know, he died in, what, 1970-something?

00:01:10.000 In the 70s, yeah.

00:01:11.000 Yeah.

00:01:12.000 And he was young.

00:01:13.000 Yeah, I think he was like 30 or 31 or 32 or something like that.

00:01:17.000 Find out how old Bruce Lee was when he died.

00:01:20.000 It's not like I was listening to Hendrix last night on the way to the studio or a lot way to the Comedy Store.

00:01:24.000 Yeah.

00:01:25.000 One of my 33 and I was thinking he died when he was 27. How much Hendrix music is there out there?

00:01:32.000 He died when he was 27. Yeah, but then you think do you think he'd be happy with what's going on to like I always find that like what would they be doing today?

00:01:41.000 Who knows?

00:01:41.000 That trips me up.

00:01:42.000 Yeah.

00:01:43.000 Well, you can't do that.

00:01:44.000 No, I know, but that's like, oh, they had such like a...

00:01:47.000 Because, right, there's guys that lasted a long time and they either like are making garbage or they're slowly still making cool shit here and there whenever they want to.

00:01:55.000 Yeah, there's the variety.

00:01:57.000 And then there's people that just...

00:01:58.000 Nobody wants to hear their new shit, right?

00:02:01.000 It's like the Rolling Stones.

00:02:02.000 Yeah, you're like, nah.

00:02:03.000 Come on, start me up.

00:02:04.000 Come on.

00:02:05.000 Come on.

00:02:06.000 Nobody wants to hear like new Rolling Stones songs.

00:02:08.000 This new one's called Car Tire.

00:02:09.000 Don't play that.

00:02:10.000 Don't play that.

00:02:11.000 Isn't that weird, though?

00:02:11.000 Because they're all-time greats, but if they start playing some song you haven't heard, you're like, ah, the fuck is all this?

00:02:19.000 That's kind of like yesterday when I was running, they have this thing called the Big Three.

00:02:24.000 It's a post-NBA league for players to play in once they retire.

00:02:29.000 It's just three-on-three, but it's really sad to watch guys that have been retired for like 10 years hooping because you're like...

00:02:35.000 This is just bad.

00:02:37.000 You want to just remember them when they were amazing.

00:02:39.000 But now they're just too old to be...

00:02:41.000 It's like circusy, you know what I mean?

00:02:44.000 People are showing up just to see those names, but it's really bad to watch.

00:02:48.000 How old are they?

00:02:49.000 I mean, there is no minimum.

00:02:51.000 I just think you have to be retired from the league to play in it.

00:02:53.000 But the average age has got to be 40, maybe.

00:02:57.000 See...

00:02:58.000 Depends on the sport and the athlete.

00:03:00.000 Well, basketball is...

00:03:01.000 Bernard Hopkins was fighting in his 40s at his best.

00:03:05.000 Different, though.

00:03:05.000 Yeah.

00:03:06.000 Basketball is just...

00:03:07.000 It's such a young man's game.

00:03:09.000 But so is boxing.

00:03:11.000 I know, but there's something about it that's hard to watch and do with gray hair missing free throws.

00:03:16.000 That's a weird...

00:03:17.000 A guy who used to be phenomenal.

00:03:19.000 I understand what you're saying, but I disagree in the fact that it's even sadder watching an old guy get the fuck beat out of him.

00:03:25.000 Yeah.

00:03:26.000 That used to be good.

00:03:27.000 Yeah, that's sad.

00:03:28.000 That's sad.

00:03:29.000 But he still probably fights because he loves it?

00:03:32.000 No.

00:03:33.000 No?

00:03:33.000 Just for the money?

00:03:34.000 Everybody fights for money.

00:03:35.000 Yeah.

00:03:35.000 I mean, they fight because they love the competition, but they get paid.

00:03:38.000 They're doing it for money, too.

00:03:39.000 Well, that's why these guys are doing the big three.

00:03:41.000 There's no way they enjoy it anymore.

00:03:42.000 Oh, how do you know?

00:03:43.000 There's no way.

00:03:44.000 It just looks so sad.

00:03:45.000 It's just so sad.

00:03:47.000 Do you think that, I think with basketball too, it's wear and tear on the knees.

00:03:51.000 It's so devastating.

00:03:51.000 Your back, your knees, everything.

00:03:53.000 Left, right, left, right.

00:03:55.000 When you watch, there's a guy named Glenn Davis, Big Baby Davis.

00:03:58.000 And he always had big problems in the league being so heavy on his knees and his back.

00:04:02.000 And it's even worse there.

00:04:03.000 He fell once during it and rolled around for like five minutes.

00:04:06.000 I was like, this is so sad to watch.

00:04:08.000 And their cameras are just focusing on him.

00:04:10.000 And Rappaport is doing the announcing.

00:04:12.000 Michael Rappaport?

00:04:13.000 Yeah, man.

00:04:13.000 He's like...

00:04:13.000 He's doing the interview.

00:04:15.000 It's so weird, man.

00:04:16.000 It's so weird.

00:04:17.000 He's like a 80-year-old, 20-year-old.

00:04:22.000 Yeah.

00:04:23.000 His career is on this crazy revival train, and it's almost like he is going back to young Rappaport style.

00:04:31.000 He's a funny dude, man.

00:04:32.000 Oh, he's hilarious.

00:04:34.000 Interviewing...

00:04:34.000 I guess it was...

00:04:36.000 I forget what sport it was, but he's interviewing these guys, and he's kind of hunched over...

00:04:42.000 Like, talking to him.

00:04:43.000 He's a big guy.

00:04:44.000 Yeah.

00:04:44.000 And he's, like, got this look on his face.

00:04:47.000 He's interviewing him.

00:04:47.000 Like, this is such a weird combination of, like, an old guy and a young guy.

00:04:51.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:04:51.000 But he's connected with the youth so heavily.

00:04:54.000 Oh, yeah.

00:04:54.000 Well, he's on top of things.

00:04:56.000 He did that documentary for Tribe Called Quest.

00:04:58.000 Like, he still is in, like, that youthful world of, like, music and sports.

00:05:03.000 Did you ever see the rant that he went on after Charlottesville?

00:05:06.000 About those tiki torch carrying white guys?

00:05:09.000 Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, I did.

00:05:10.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:05:11.000 Tinky torch, motherfuckers!

00:05:13.000 Yeah.

00:05:14.000 But he's loose, you know?

00:05:16.000 I mean, he's out there.

00:05:17.000 He's very funny on The Fighter and The Kid, too.

00:05:19.000 He goes on that show.

00:05:20.000 He's hysterical.

00:05:21.000 And he goes and he fights with the whole Howard Stern staff.

00:05:24.000 He loves fighting with those guys because they all do fantasy football and all that stuff.

00:05:27.000 He's vocally a massive sports fan, which I think that keeps him in that youth circle so much that he just loves sports and loves talking sports to everybody.

00:05:37.000 Yeah, he hosts sports shows sometimes.

00:05:40.000 Like, he's hosted different people's...

00:05:41.000 One of those radio TV shows.

00:05:43.000 Those radio shows they constantly...

00:05:45.000 They show on TV occasionally.

00:05:46.000 Yeah.

00:05:46.000 You know, what are those?

00:05:47.000 Who does those?

00:05:48.000 They're like...

00:05:49.000 Dan Patrick?

00:05:50.000 Yeah, Dan Patrick has one.

00:05:52.000 Yeah.

00:05:53.000 Yeah, those...

00:05:54.000 Yeah, sport...

00:05:54.000 It's like guys that left ESPN. I don't know jack shit about sports, man.

00:05:59.000 Yeah, you do.

00:05:59.000 I don't know shit.

00:06:00.000 You know about sports that you know about.

00:06:01.000 But that's all I know about.

00:06:02.000 Like, the problem is people try to talk to me about other sports.

00:06:05.000 Yeah, you fucking believe that game?

00:06:06.000 Like...

00:06:07.000 But that's everybody.

00:06:09.000 Ian Edwards loves soccer.

00:06:11.000 I couldn't tell you a position other than goalie.

00:06:14.000 Yeah.

00:06:15.000 Do you name one?

00:06:16.000 Forward.

00:06:17.000 See, but then I think about hockey, because I'm like, I know hockey, but I have no idea about it.

00:06:21.000 Isn't hockey the same as soccer, just with ice?

00:06:23.000 I don't know.

00:06:24.000 Do you know?

00:06:25.000 Very close, yeah.

00:06:26.000 Is it?

00:06:27.000 Pretty close.

00:06:27.000 There's a midfielder.

00:06:29.000 Yeah.

00:06:31.000 Defense.

00:06:31.000 Defense?

00:06:32.000 Forward and defense, yeah.

00:06:33.000 Aren't they all defense?

00:06:34.000 Sorta.

00:06:35.000 When you're on defense, yeah.

00:06:36.000 Same as hockey, right?

00:06:37.000 I'm sorry, I couldn't.

00:06:38.000 I was in Italy when the World Cup was going on.

00:06:40.000 And it was amazing to watch Europeans watch that shit because they love it.

00:06:44.000 Oh, they go crazy.

00:06:45.000 I've totally checked out.

00:06:46.000 I was talking about this before.

00:06:47.000 What ruined it for me was I was in Boulder when the World Cup was happening.

00:06:50.000 And all these dorky white guys pretending to be way too enthusiastic about the World Cup.

00:06:55.000 Yeah, dude.

00:06:55.000 Because it's the World Cup.

00:06:56.000 Yeah.

00:06:57.000 You know that thing that people do?

00:06:59.000 They're not into it.

00:06:59.000 You know that fake thing that people do?

00:07:01.000 They're like...

00:07:02.000 Yes!

00:07:03.000 Fucking yes!

00:07:04.000 But it's not real.

00:07:06.000 The Olympics does that too.

00:07:07.000 The Olympics has this thing when people get into like...

00:07:09.000 It's cool to cheer for your country or whatever, but it's so funny when people get into the Olympics and they're like, did you watch us in luge?

00:07:15.000 Did you watch us rip it up in luge?

00:07:17.000 No, I don't fucking...

00:07:18.000 Why?

00:07:18.000 What are you talking about?

00:07:20.000 That's not...

00:07:21.000 Were we ripping it up and loose?

00:07:22.000 Was I asleep?

00:07:23.000 We were fucking shit up and loose yesterday?

00:07:25.000 I didn't know.

00:07:26.000 I had no idea.

00:07:27.000 What did we do?

00:07:29.000 The Winter Olympics, everyone freaks out.

00:07:31.000 And they have sports that you would never even think about wanting to watch.

00:07:33.000 Like the cross-country ski and then you shoot on the ground and then you ski some more?

00:07:36.000 Yeah.

00:07:37.000 You would never.

00:07:38.000 I would never.

00:07:38.000 3-on-3 basketball is going to be in the Summer Olympics.

00:07:41.000 Is it really?

00:07:42.000 This big three thing?

00:07:42.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:07:43.000 What is a big three?

00:07:44.000 That's it.

00:07:45.000 That's the big three is the three-on-three tournament we were talking about.

00:07:48.000 Oh.

00:07:48.000 With the ex-NBA players.

00:07:50.000 But wait a minute.

00:07:51.000 They're putting them in the Olympics.

00:07:53.000 Yeah, dude.

00:07:53.000 I looked this up the other day and was so surprised.

00:07:55.000 I was like, what the fuck?

00:07:56.000 I don't know what kind of competition it's going to be, but the Big 3 success has led to it being included in the next Summer Olympics.

00:08:04.000 How many people are in a normal basketball game?

00:08:06.000 Ten.

00:08:07.000 Five on five.

00:08:08.000 This is three on three and it's half court.

00:08:09.000 And they have a four-point shot.

00:08:11.000 Which doesn't exist.

00:08:12.000 They have a weird rule, too, that once it gets down to four minutes, that like...

00:08:17.000 No, I'm sorry.

00:08:18.000 The basketball tournament has a weird rule.

00:08:20.000 I just confused the two things.

00:08:22.000 There's another tournament going on, which is amateur players and teams, and it's a $1 million tournament.

00:08:28.000 It's actually $2 million.

00:08:29.000 $2 million?

00:08:30.000 Yeah, so it's a tournament going on all across the country.

00:08:33.000 We could have entered it if we wanted to.

00:08:35.000 We should.

00:08:35.000 We would have lost, but we could have.

00:08:36.000 Yeah, wouldn't that be fun?

00:08:37.000 Just don't talk negative to me, bro.

00:08:39.000 I'm just saying.

00:08:39.000 We could have.

00:08:41.000 Don't say we wouldn't have lost, bro.

00:08:42.000 You don't know my heart.

00:08:44.000 You don't know.

00:08:44.000 We would have been training.

00:08:45.000 You know what goes on in my head, bro.

00:08:47.000 This is former MB guys and former college players.

00:08:49.000 Whatever, bro.

00:08:50.000 Don't put limitations on us.

00:08:52.000 We would have had an average height of 5'10".

00:08:54.000 We'd be killing.

00:08:56.000 But they have a weird...

00:08:57.000 These 6'9 black dudes and these three white heads just...

00:09:00.000 Hey, guys.

00:09:00.000 We're here to play.

00:09:01.000 Hi.

00:09:04.000 Hi, fellas.

00:09:05.000 Hey, guys.

00:09:05.000 Just tying my shoes.

00:09:07.000 So, um, what are the rules?

00:09:12.000 There's a four-point shot.

00:09:14.000 Joe just hugs the ball and starts fucking head-butting people out of the way.

00:09:17.000 Why can't we do that?

00:09:18.000 Why can't we play like that?

00:09:20.000 Guys, you gotta go.

00:09:21.000 Well, we tried.

00:09:22.000 I don't have any sports skills.

00:09:24.000 I don't know if he foul outs.

00:09:25.000 Maybe he could.

00:09:26.000 Yeah.

00:09:27.000 Foul outs?

00:09:27.000 We would just use you as the bull and foul out.

00:09:29.000 What happens if you foul out?

00:09:31.000 Kick you out.

00:09:32.000 You're done.

00:09:32.000 You can't play anymore.

00:09:33.000 All of a sudden, then the game's over.

00:09:34.000 No, but they have two other players on their bench that they rotate.

00:09:37.000 Oh, Jesus.

00:09:37.000 But we would have you foul as hard as you can to really fuck up their best players.

00:09:42.000 Oh!

00:09:42.000 You know what I mean?

00:09:43.000 That's strategy.

00:09:44.000 And then Jamie and I would have to bang it out.

00:09:45.000 Yeah, that's right.

00:09:46.000 Way too dicky.

00:09:47.000 Do they have that?

00:09:48.000 They have that in hockey.

00:09:49.000 Oh, they do in the NBA. Same thing.

00:09:51.000 They do in the NBA? Oh, yeah.

00:09:52.000 And guys get pissed because it ruins their career, costs millions of dollars.

00:09:54.000 Oh, my God.

00:09:56.000 Hack-A-Shack was the original.

00:09:57.000 They used to foul Shaq because they knew, what were they going to do to stop him?

00:10:01.000 He's a fucking truck.

00:10:02.000 So he would just get the ball.

00:10:04.000 They would tomahawk him as hard as they could.

00:10:06.000 Oh, my God.

00:10:07.000 Yeah, man.

00:10:08.000 He used to complain about it.

00:10:09.000 It was funny because, you know, Couch sports fans were always like, oh, shut the fuck up.

00:10:13.000 You're huge.

00:10:14.000 You have no idea how...

00:10:15.000 He is big, but another huge dude that's just throwing their arm as hard as they can all game.

00:10:21.000 Dude, he gets totally fucked up from that.

00:10:23.000 Wow.

00:10:24.000 I didn't know that.

00:10:25.000 It happened before that.

00:10:27.000 Old NBA people would be like, that's bullshit they did in their 70s.

00:10:29.000 But Shaq was just the biggest guy that's ever played with that much agility.

00:10:33.000 He's so big.

00:10:33.000 Whenever I shake his hand, I'm like, what is that?

00:10:35.000 It's absurd.

00:10:36.000 It's like a desk.

00:10:39.000 It's like a desk.

00:10:40.000 He's like, hey man, what's up?

00:10:42.000 How you doing, bro?

00:10:43.000 Big fan.

00:10:44.000 He did Fear Factor with me.

00:10:46.000 And him and I were, like, he was a huge Fear Factor fan.

00:10:48.000 Yeah.

00:10:49.000 So he did, like, a whole episode where he co-hosted it with me, and he stood next to me, and he, like, he would do the, I'm gonna do the countdown.

00:10:56.000 Three, two, one, shock attack!

00:10:59.000 Shock attack time.

00:11:00.000 And when he would do the countdown, I was standing next to him, like, this is, like, an eight-year-old hanging out with his dad.

00:11:06.000 Oh, all I hear are stories like that, that he's, like, he's a big kid on set.

00:11:09.000 Like, he can't stop fucking around.

00:11:11.000 No, but I feel like an eight-year-old next to a grown-up.

00:11:13.000 Oh, you!

00:11:13.000 He's so big!

00:11:14.000 Yeah, he's mammoth.

00:11:15.000 But he's a big kid.

00:11:16.000 That's all I ever hear.

00:11:17.000 Anybody that works with him, he loves fucking around.

00:11:19.000 He loves not taking it serious.

00:11:21.000 Super fun guy.

00:11:22.000 Very friendly.

00:11:22.000 He's so dynamic.

00:11:23.000 He's like a cop.

00:11:25.000 Yeah.

00:11:25.000 He wants to do undercover work.

00:11:29.000 In Miami or something, right?

00:11:30.000 Yeah, like Fort Lauderdale or some show like that.

00:11:33.000 He would be involved in raids and shit.

00:11:35.000 It's pretty hard to be undercover when you're 6'11".

00:11:38.000 Massive black dude.

00:11:40.000 He's got to be one of the biggest guys that's ever played, right?

00:11:43.000 Not the tallest, but probably one of the most...

00:11:45.000 Massive.

00:11:45.000 Probably the most mass.

00:11:46.000 Yeah.

00:11:47.000 And muscle.

00:11:48.000 I mean, you know, when you get up next to his arm, it's this.

00:11:52.000 It's like two of my thighs.

00:11:53.000 He got into MMA for a while.

00:11:55.000 Did he?

00:11:55.000 Yeah, I don't know if he's still doing it.

00:11:57.000 Yeah, training.

00:11:58.000 But there was videos of him training.

00:11:59.000 And I was like, look, if there was no weight limitations, like he's so...

00:12:04.000 Look at that.

00:12:04.000 That's me and him together.

00:12:07.000 He's so fucking big!

00:12:09.000 Yeah, it does look like a man and his buddy.

00:12:12.000 Yeah, a child.

00:12:14.000 A child and a grown man.

00:12:16.000 Yeah, I have a picture of me at the MTV... What was it at?

00:12:21.000 Movie Awards or something like that with him next to me where I was interviewing him for this thing.

00:12:25.000 Oh, it was the roast.

00:12:26.000 One of the roasts.

00:12:27.000 A Bieber.

00:12:27.000 And I'm doing this with the microphone.

00:12:29.000 Like full extension with it.

00:12:30.000 And he's bending down still.

00:12:32.000 He still has to dug.

00:12:34.000 I'm like, Jack?

00:12:34.000 It's kind of weird that like...

00:12:37.000 The UFC has a weight limit.

00:12:38.000 What's the top out?

00:12:40.000 265. Yeah.

00:12:41.000 Isn't that weird?

00:12:42.000 Yeah, why is that?

00:12:43.000 I don't know.

00:12:44.000 Does it get...

00:12:44.000 There's a super heavy.

00:12:47.000 Super heavy.

00:12:47.000 We've never had a super heavy fight, but super heavy weight is 265 and above.

00:12:51.000 Well, who's the heaviest fighter that's ever fought?

00:12:54.000 265 when they weigh in.

00:12:55.000 Yeah.

00:12:56.000 After that, probably Brock.

00:12:57.000 Brock was cutting weight to make 265. Wasn't he around 300 pounds at one point?

00:13:03.000 Yeah, for sure.

00:13:03.000 Yeah, that's fine.

00:13:04.000 Fucking insane.

00:13:04.000 And it's a different kind of 300 pounds, too.

00:13:07.000 Shaq is 330. He's 7'1".

00:13:12.000 His shoes are 22. His foot is two feet.

00:13:17.000 That's his foot.

00:13:18.000 Yeah, his foot is two feet.

00:13:20.000 Jesus.

00:13:21.000 But a guy like that could never fight in the UFC because he probably can't make 265. No.

00:13:26.000 If he did, he would be shredded.

00:13:28.000 Fucking zero fat.

00:13:31.000 But I wonder about how, because he's so big.

00:13:34.000 Yeah, he'd have to lose 75 pounds, right?

00:13:36.000 They say 330?

00:13:37.000 Is that what he weighed?

00:13:37.000 Yeah, 330. He looked like a rookie.

00:13:41.000 Oh my god.

00:13:42.000 He was so big.

00:13:43.000 He's so big.

00:13:45.000 And he's a kid right there, by the way.

00:13:47.000 He's 19 or 20 years old right there.

00:13:50.000 Goddamn, that's crazy.

00:13:51.000 He's a fucking full-grown man at 20. I mean, what?

00:13:54.000 Did you ever see the movie Blue Chips?

00:13:56.000 Do you ever see that?

00:13:56.000 No.

00:13:57.000 That's a great movie.

00:13:58.000 What is it?

00:13:58.000 It's like about Shaq, Nick Nolte.

00:14:01.000 He's recruiting him out of high school.

00:14:04.000 Oh, that movie's about Shaq?

00:14:05.000 Yeah.

00:14:06.000 It's a phenomenal movie.

00:14:07.000 You would love it.

00:14:08.000 Nick Nolte.

00:14:08.000 How good is that guy?

00:14:10.000 Oh, it's awesome.

00:14:11.000 Oh, he's so good in this fucking movie.

00:14:13.000 You know what he's amazing in?

00:14:14.000 It wasn't even a good movie, but that movie Warrior.

00:14:17.000 You ever see that movie Warrior?

00:14:18.000 Oh, yeah, dude.

00:14:19.000 Yeah.

00:14:19.000 I love Nick Nolte.

00:14:21.000 He's so good in that movie.

00:14:22.000 He's so fucking good.

00:14:23.000 So good.

00:14:23.000 The movie wasn't that good.

00:14:26.000 It was flawed.

00:14:27.000 Yeah, but he's good.

00:14:28.000 You know Brian Callum's in that movie?

00:14:29.000 Mm-mm.

00:14:30.000 He played me.

00:14:31.000 Mm.

00:14:32.000 Literally did my role in the UFC in that movie.

00:14:36.000 Oh, yeah.

00:14:36.000 He's the announcer.

00:14:37.000 And modeled me.

00:14:38.000 He was telling me.

00:14:39.000 He was like, I'm just going to do you.

00:14:40.000 I'm going to pretend I'm you.

00:14:41.000 Except for like the skill and the talent and all that stuff.

00:14:43.000 Oh, don't say that.

00:14:43.000 He's gonna listen.

00:14:44.000 I'm coming after you, Callan.

00:14:46.000 You son of a bitch.

00:14:47.000 You fight me, Brian.

00:14:49.000 Yeah, there he is right there.

00:14:50.000 But Nick Nolte's in that fucking movie.

00:14:52.000 Nick Nolte plays the dad of one of the guys that's fighting.

00:14:56.000 And there he is.

00:14:56.000 Dude, look at that.

00:14:58.000 I ran into him once, man, at Fry's.

00:15:00.000 I was so happy that he knew my name.

00:15:02.000 Because he used to date Vicky Lewis, who was a friend of mine.

00:15:04.000 She was on news radio.

00:15:06.000 Very talented girl.

00:15:07.000 That girl's extremely talented.

00:15:09.000 She's young, huh?

00:15:11.000 Vicky?

00:15:11.000 Not anymore.

00:15:12.000 Compared to him, though?

00:15:13.000 Compared to him.

00:15:13.000 That was a big age gap.

00:15:14.000 Yeah.

00:15:14.000 That was a big age gap.

00:15:16.000 But...

00:15:17.000 So I knew him from the set.

00:15:18.000 He'd come to the set and hang out.

00:15:20.000 And I'm in Fry's, and he's got his reading glasses on.

00:15:23.000 And I said, hey, Nick, what's up?

00:15:25.000 He goes, oh, hey, Joe.

00:15:27.000 I'm trying to get a computer for my kid.

00:15:30.000 You know anything about these fucking things?

00:15:32.000 That's really good.

00:15:33.000 Hey, Joe.

00:15:34.000 It was weird.

00:15:34.000 It's like, I'm talking to Nick Nolte.

00:15:36.000 Should I get a Mac?

00:15:38.000 I was only like 27, and I was still confused.

00:15:40.000 I was still like, I can't believe I'm really talking to Nick Nolte.

00:15:43.000 Shining up right now with Nolte.

00:15:44.000 Is this real?

00:15:45.000 Is this real?

00:15:46.000 We're at Fry's together?

00:15:47.000 We're at Fry's, yeah!

00:15:50.000 Hey man, Nick needs electronics too.

00:15:52.000 That was during my Quake days, when I was addicted to Quake, and I'd make my own computers.

00:15:58.000 You did all that shit?

00:15:59.000 Oh dude, I used to build them.

00:16:00.000 Did you have like 15 screens and all that shit, like everyone does that?

00:16:03.000 Yeah, I had a room in my house where I had a conference table, and it was lined up with computer monitors and computers.

00:16:10.000 I used to build computers, man.

00:16:12.000 But you don't play any games anymore.

00:16:14.000 Well, we're going to.

00:16:15.000 When we set up?

00:16:16.000 We just got these Origin PCs.

00:16:18.000 Mm-hmm.

00:16:18.000 We got a LAN room set up.

00:16:20.000 Local area network room.

00:16:21.000 Oh, shit.

00:16:22.000 Oh, shit, son.

00:16:23.000 You gonna play people all over the world?

00:16:25.000 The addiction's about to get fired up.

00:16:25.000 Yeah.

00:16:26.000 Well, you know what, man?

00:16:27.000 Now that we have the studio...

00:16:29.000 There's so much room here.

00:16:30.000 Yeah.

00:16:31.000 And my kids come here and play, too.

00:16:32.000 You know?

00:16:34.000 There's plenty of stuff to do.

00:16:35.000 Yeah.

00:16:36.000 There's lots of...

00:16:37.000 So I'm just gonna fucking put some games on for them.

00:16:39.000 Put some games on for me.

00:16:41.000 Yeah, that works.

00:16:42.000 I never got into it for some reason.

00:16:44.000 Video games, like, I loved them when I was a kid, and then there was this weird cutoff...

00:16:47.000 It's called growing up.

00:16:49.000 Nah, but so many people still play.

00:16:51.000 Yeah, the non-grown-ups.

00:16:53.000 Those non-growing up guys.

00:16:55.000 But I wish I could play.

00:16:56.000 Look at Jamie.

00:16:57.000 Look at him over there.

00:16:57.000 He's like a big sweet kid.

00:16:59.000 Ultimate Warrior shirt.

00:17:00.000 Yeah, he's wearing an Ultimate Warrior shirt.

00:17:02.000 He's a fully grown man.

00:17:07.000 Chicks love Ultimate Warrior, dude.

00:17:09.000 They love guys who play video games, too.

00:17:11.000 Yeah, sit inside all day.

00:17:12.000 Fuck yeah, dude.

00:17:14.000 You want to go somewhere?

00:17:15.000 Nah.

00:17:15.000 Just button out.

00:17:17.000 I want to get pale.

00:17:19.000 More pale.

00:17:20.000 I want a paler.

00:17:20.000 I want to be paler.

00:17:21.000 Jamie the paler.

00:17:22.000 You know what scares the shit out of me though?

00:17:24.000 It's those multi-roleplayer, what is it?

00:17:26.000 Multi, those giant roleplayer games?

00:17:28.000 World of Warcraft.

00:17:29.000 What do they call them?

00:17:29.000 Yeah, but what's the name of them?

00:17:30.000 Massively multi, massive multi-online roleplaying game.

00:17:34.000 Is that what Fortnite is?

00:17:35.000 No.

00:17:36.000 I sound like a fucking dad.

00:17:37.000 Don't laugh at me.

00:17:38.000 Fortnite is a shooter.

00:17:39.000 It's a third person?

00:17:40.000 You're a third person?

00:17:40.000 Yeah, that's third person.

00:17:41.000 But aren't you with a massive community of people?

00:17:44.000 A hundred people, yeah.

00:17:45.000 Yeah, that's fucking...

00:17:45.000 Oh, there's a hundred people in the game with you?

00:17:47.000 That's a lot, dude.

00:17:48.000 Yeah.

00:17:49.000 Well, that's a deathmatch, a quake deathmatch.

00:17:51.000 A lot of times, not really a hundred, but it can be a hundred.

00:17:54.000 A hundred seems like absurd.

00:17:55.000 How many people are on your squad, on your team?

00:17:57.000 Up to four.

00:17:59.000 Oh, shit.

00:17:59.000 Unless you're playing a 50 on 50 match, which is like a special...

00:18:02.000 Is it random assignments of teams, or you go in picking your teams?

00:18:05.000 You go in with your own team.

00:18:05.000 Or you actually can go in random, too.

00:18:07.000 You can do everything you want.

00:18:09.000 God, I can't wait to hear the comments on this video about, how does you not know about Fortnite, dude?

00:18:13.000 People get so mad.

00:18:14.000 They get so mad we know.

00:18:15.000 What a fucking idiot.

00:18:15.000 You fucking idiot.

00:18:17.000 I see so many references online to it, and I know what it is, but I have no idea what it is.

00:18:23.000 I remember when people would call you a noob, and they'd use two zeros.

00:18:26.000 A noob.

00:18:26.000 For O's, yeah.

00:18:27.000 Noob.

00:18:27.000 Fucking noob.

00:18:30.000 That still goes on.

00:18:31.000 Does it?

00:18:32.000 Noob still goes on.

00:18:33.000 Noob shit?

00:18:33.000 Like today, maybe even right now, there's two million dollar tournaments going on.

00:18:36.000 There's one, I think they're both for charity today, but one for Fortnite, and then another one, another game that's just like it called PUBG, which we've talked about before.

00:18:44.000 Two million bucks?

00:18:45.000 Yeah.

00:18:45.000 How long do they have to play?

00:18:46.000 It might be like a two or three hour tournament.

00:18:48.000 That's fucking unreal.

00:18:50.000 There's so much money in video games now.

00:18:52.000 Parents used to tell their kids to not play video games.

00:18:54.000 Like, don't be a loser.

00:18:56.000 And they still have that shit in their head.

00:18:57.000 But there's more money in it than most games.

00:19:01.000 People make careers out of them.

00:19:02.000 What if they're a tennis player?

00:19:04.000 Oh, Bobby's a pro tennis player.

00:19:06.000 Bobby might blow his fucking ankles out.

00:19:09.000 Timmy over there is making a billion dollars playing Fortnite.

00:19:12.000 All he has to do is move his hands.

00:19:14.000 This all day.

00:19:15.000 I knew a guy that did that.

00:19:17.000 A friend of my old, my first roommate in LA. He was like a professional online gamer.

00:19:22.000 And I thought, I was like, what?

00:19:24.000 That dude Fatality reached out to us.

00:19:26.000 Yeah.

00:19:26.000 Jonathan Wendell.

00:19:27.000 Fatality.

00:19:28.000 I'm gonna try to get him on.

00:19:29.000 I forgot.

00:19:30.000 He's still playing?

00:19:31.000 Yeah.

00:19:31.000 He was the greatest Quake player.

00:19:33.000 Or one of, it's hard to say the greatest.

00:19:37.000 Because there was a few of those guys, but he was one of them.

00:19:39.000 How old is he now?

00:19:40.000 Probably in his late 30s.

00:19:42.000 Something like that, yeah.

00:19:43.000 That sounds right.

00:19:44.000 What is he doing?

00:19:44.000 I want to know what they do when they quit all that shit.

00:19:47.000 Just breathe.

00:19:49.000 Just chilling.

00:19:50.000 Just trying to figure out how to deal with all the radiation they've been absorbing.

00:19:52.000 He's working at Fry's.

00:19:54.000 Stand in front of that computer screen.

00:19:58.000 Hi, Joe.

00:19:59.000 All your cells are mutated.

00:20:01.000 I think some of them are smart enough now that they realize how quick the rise is and how quick the fall might be that they're just sort of banking money and just riding it out to see how long it goes.

00:20:11.000 Yeah, but it's kind of like how in golf you only get paid paid if you win.

00:20:17.000 Not a lot of those guys can bank all that money, right?

00:20:20.000 They still got to have something to do after it's done.

00:20:22.000 The best of the best bank, but the high majority of you guys are just making a living.

00:20:27.000 The way it's different, though, they don't have to pay a coach.

00:20:29.000 They're just at home and in some cases their parents' house still.

00:20:33.000 Most cases, right?

00:20:33.000 And they might just buy their parents' a new house.

00:20:35.000 That might be their goal.

00:20:36.000 They buy their parents' house and kick them the fuck out?

00:20:38.000 Yeah, that's happening.

00:20:38.000 Yeah, buy their parents' house.

00:20:40.000 Yeah, you remember when you were yelling at me?

00:20:41.000 Get the fuck out, Mike.

00:20:42.000 Playing video games, Mike?

00:20:43.000 Get the fuck out and take Karen with you.

00:20:45.000 Pack her shit up, too.

00:20:47.000 Karen!

00:20:49.000 Ryan's kicking us out!

00:20:50.000 Yeah, get the fuck out.

00:20:53.000 You should have been so mean to him.

00:20:55.000 I didn't know.

00:20:56.000 The mom's bitching at him.

00:20:57.000 I didn't fucking know.

00:20:59.000 He could have bought us this house.

00:21:00.000 You're nice, Tom.

00:21:02.000 Well, toughening him up is why he became such a good player.

00:21:05.000 That's why he's a fucking man.

00:21:06.000 Parents do that when they're fucking assholes.

00:21:07.000 Oh, yeah.

00:21:08.000 They take credit for it.

00:21:09.000 I did that.

00:21:09.000 Hey, I toughened you up, and that's why you like this.

00:21:11.000 Yep.

00:21:12.000 Did you see I, Tonya?

00:21:14.000 No, I didn't and I can't.

00:21:15.000 Dude, but that's what that is.

00:21:17.000 Is it?

00:21:17.000 Her mom was...

00:21:18.000 You saw that shit?

00:21:19.000 Of course.

00:21:19.000 Her mom was fucking atrocious to her.

00:21:21.000 Of course.

00:21:22.000 And then every time she got something, she's like, you know why that is.

00:21:25.000 Because I made you that way.

00:21:26.000 So she mind-fucked her whole life into being like...

00:21:29.000 Even at her...

00:21:30.000 Even after the incident.

00:21:35.000 Even after the Kerrigan thing.

00:21:37.000 She was like, I was always the one that made you the killer.

00:21:41.000 That's why we do this.

00:21:42.000 Great.

00:21:43.000 Oh, she fucked her so...

00:21:44.000 I mean, she fucked with her head so deep.

00:21:46.000 Do you remember when she was boxing?

00:21:47.000 Oh, yeah, man.

00:21:48.000 Tonya Harding was boxing?

00:21:49.000 They talk about it in that movie.

00:21:50.000 She boxed Stanhope.

00:21:51.000 She boxed Doug Stanhope.

00:21:52.000 Yeah, she did.

00:21:52.000 Yeah.

00:21:52.000 Yeah, I was his coach.

00:21:54.000 Yeah.

00:21:54.000 She was actually alright.

00:21:55.000 She looked alright.

00:21:57.000 She's an athlete, man.

00:21:58.000 Yeah.

00:21:58.000 Like a legit athlete.

00:21:59.000 And she bulked up, too.

00:22:01.000 I remember.

00:22:01.000 And she was doing it because she was trying to cash checks because she lost all her money, man.

00:22:05.000 She lost all her money.

00:22:06.000 I don't think she made much.

00:22:07.000 What do you think she does now?

00:22:09.000 They talk about it at the end of the film and I don't remember.

00:22:12.000 They tell you where, you know, when they're like in the chyron where they're like, she lives in so-and-so with her new husband and da-da-da.

00:22:17.000 She'll never talk to Jeff Cahooley again.

00:22:19.000 Who's Jeff Cahooley?

00:22:20.000 The guy.

00:22:21.000 Her boyfriend.

00:22:22.000 The one that was like the...

00:22:23.000 The one that had Nancy Kerrigan's legs whacked?

00:22:24.000 Yeah.

00:22:25.000 He is the kingpin.

00:22:27.000 Jesus Christ.

00:22:28.000 That's a dark thing to do, man.

00:22:30.000 To have some fucking Dumbo.

00:22:31.000 And the way they describe it in the movie, it's even funnier.

00:22:33.000 That the guys he hires are fucking brain dead.

00:22:37.000 They're fucking brain dead, dudes.

00:22:39.000 Imagine thinking there's nothing going to go wrong with that plan.

00:22:42.000 Yeah.

00:22:42.000 This plan's going to go off flawlessly.

00:22:44.000 They claim in the movie and in their story, I think, to the courts was always they were supposed to threaten her.

00:22:50.000 And these two Dumbos went up there and they were like, yeah, we'll threaten her.

00:22:54.000 And they were like, no, no, threaten her.

00:22:55.000 And they're like, we'll threaten her.

00:22:57.000 They fucking chose up with a police baton.

00:22:59.000 Do you believe that?

00:23:00.000 No, dude.

00:23:01.000 No chance.

00:23:02.000 No chance.

00:23:03.000 You know what I believe?

00:23:04.000 If I'm going to believe that guy's side, I bet he said, go up there and scare her and do what you need to do.

00:23:09.000 Right?

00:23:10.000 I bet he left it vague and was like, these fucking idiots will figure it out.

00:23:12.000 I bet they were on meth and they were all going, yeah, fucking break her fucking kneecaps.

00:23:17.000 Break her fucking legs.

00:23:17.000 Yeah, they're all just geeking out going, dude, you know what fucking skaters need?

00:23:22.000 Knees.

00:23:22.000 Well, fuck up her knees.

00:23:23.000 And they're just like, yeah.

00:23:24.000 Speaking of meth, did you see the video of that guy who drove into the parking lot of the comedy store and smashed into a car and almost hit one of the guys that was there?

00:23:31.000 What?

00:23:31.000 When was this?

00:23:32.000 Real recently.

00:23:33.000 Oh, shit.

00:23:34.000 Some fucking dude tweaked out of his mind, came driving through the back of the parking lot in the store during the day.

00:23:40.000 Slammed into a car.

00:23:42.000 Slammed into one of the employee's cars that was parked back there.

00:23:44.000 They got security camera footage of it.

00:23:46.000 Guys are jumping out of the way.

00:23:47.000 This guy's just like completely out of his mind.

00:23:49.000 Holy shit.

00:23:50.000 Turns out the guy years ago killed a kid driving.

00:23:55.000 Yeah, slammed his car into some fucking kid and killed him, like a young girl.

00:24:00.000 Fuck.

00:24:01.000 And then, many years later, is still driving fucked up.

00:24:04.000 Holy shit.

00:24:05.000 Yeah.

00:24:05.000 Tried to back out, tried to get out of there.

00:24:07.000 Got stuck.

00:24:08.000 They grabbed him.

00:24:09.000 Yeah.

00:24:10.000 What is this?

00:24:10.000 This is the guy?

00:24:11.000 Yeah, man.

00:24:11.000 This is the guy.

00:24:12.000 Arrested after vehicle collision at the Comedy Store.

00:24:14.000 Yeah, that guy killed a kid driving and he's still doing it.

00:24:18.000 So he was peeling off a sunset and smashed into the Comedy Store?

00:24:21.000 He was out of his mind, man.

00:24:23.000 Out of his mind.

00:24:24.000 Came in sideways.

00:24:26.000 Went around the corner, went through the driveway, went around the corner to the lot, and came in, like, literally turned sideways and slammed into a car.

00:24:34.000 What the fuck?

00:24:36.000 Drugs, dude.

00:24:38.000 The wrong kind of drugs.

00:24:40.000 Who knows what kind of pills that fucking asshole's on?

00:24:43.000 But that same guy had killed a kid.

00:24:46.000 Still driving like that.

00:24:47.000 Pumping.

00:24:48.000 Imagine you kill a kid driving fucked up, you get out of jail, and then you're still doing it.

00:24:53.000 Yeah, what the fuck?

00:24:55.000 He's not even that old.

00:24:56.000 You look at him.

00:24:56.000 Yeah, he looked like a kid.

00:24:57.000 He looked young.

00:24:58.000 Here's the thing, man.

00:24:59.000 Somebody made that kid.

00:25:00.000 Somebody made that kid.

00:25:01.000 Somebody fucked somebody, and the man and the woman got together.

00:25:05.000 They got pregnant.

00:25:06.000 The girl got pregnant.

00:25:07.000 They gave birth, raised that kid, and this is what you got.

00:25:10.000 Yeah.

00:25:11.000 What a bad deal.

00:25:12.000 But you can't tell me that that's not part of their fault, too.

00:25:13.000 There's got to be some shit that they fucking did to that kid.

00:25:15.000 Yeah.

00:25:16.000 Oh, for sure.

00:25:17.000 There's got to be something.

00:25:18.000 I mean, that's a collective effort.

00:25:20.000 You get someone that's that fucking stupid, and that's...

00:25:24.000 You know, you kill a kid and you don't learn?

00:25:26.000 Like, that's not enough of a lesson?

00:25:28.000 You're still driving fucked up?

00:25:29.000 How did Caitlyn Jenner get away with killing that dude?

00:25:32.000 What was the...

00:25:33.000 Turn into a woman?

00:25:34.000 That was the best.

00:25:34.000 Just slice off your dick?

00:25:35.000 That's it!

00:25:36.000 If you're dickless, they can't get you.

00:25:37.000 It's...

00:25:38.000 You know what it...

00:25:40.000 You know what it is, man?

00:25:41.000 In this day and age, it's like she entered into this category of the most marginalized group in America currently, which is transgender people.

00:25:50.000 And by doing that, by becoming a transgender person, that became the entire focus of the nation.

00:25:56.000 She got exonerated for all these things, though.

00:25:58.000 It's so strange.

00:25:59.000 She wasn't paying attention and she slammed into the back.

00:26:02.000 Oh, we could say he because it was still a he at the time.

00:26:04.000 Yeah, it was him.

00:26:04.000 Bruce Jenner.

00:26:05.000 He slammed into the back of this person's car.

00:26:09.000 It was a dude, right?

00:26:10.000 It was a single dude.

00:26:10.000 A woman.

00:26:10.000 Oh, it was a woman.

00:26:11.000 A woman.

00:26:11.000 An old lady.

00:26:12.000 Oh, shit.

00:26:12.000 Slammed into an old lady and pushed her into traffic.

00:26:15.000 Fuck.

00:26:15.000 Then they hit a car with a family of five, remember?

00:26:17.000 I was telling you the other day.

00:26:18.000 Two kids and a grandma in the back.

00:26:20.000 Did they live?

00:26:21.000 They lived, but the grandma sued because she broke her hip and pelvis or something like that.

00:26:25.000 She's a 79-year-old woman.

00:26:27.000 Yeah.

00:26:27.000 It's a fucked up story.

00:26:28.000 And it was almost like it just disappeared.

00:26:30.000 The crazy thing is, Caitlin doesn't even address it like it's some horrific moment in her life.

00:26:35.000 No.

00:26:36.000 Completely irresponsible.

00:26:38.000 But it shows you the type of person.

00:26:40.000 Do you ever see Kyle Dunnigan's thing on it?

00:26:42.000 Hey, girl!

00:26:43.000 It's the funniest.

00:26:44.000 But have you ever seen the one he did on that?

00:26:46.000 No.

00:26:47.000 On Caitlyn Jenner?

00:26:47.000 See if you can find it.

00:26:48.000 Oh, no.

00:26:49.000 Where he's driving and he's like, I just fucking hit somebody.

00:26:51.000 Yeah, Bruce fucked up and he killed that lady.

00:26:55.000 But now Caitlyn's got a clean record.

00:26:57.000 Yeah, baby.

00:26:58.000 Yeah, baby.

00:26:59.000 Dude, Dunnegan, that is such a fucking hysterical character that he does on his Instagram.

00:27:06.000 Every day I watch that shit.

00:27:07.000 Yeah, here it is.

00:27:08.000 Play it.

00:27:10.000 I just got my driver's license back, baby.

00:27:13.000 Bruce fucked me when he killed that lady with his car, but now Caitlyn's got a clean record, baby.

00:27:19.000 I'm a much better driver than Bruce, I'll have you now, so don't be afraid to hit the streets, He's such an odd guy.

00:27:33.000 I love it.

00:27:34.000 He's very, very funny.

00:27:35.000 That's where that comes from, man.

00:27:36.000 There's beauty in that.

00:27:38.000 That oddity.

00:27:39.000 Oh, I love that.

00:27:40.000 But he found his groove.

00:27:41.000 His groove is Instagram with face swap.

00:27:43.000 Yep.

00:27:44.000 It's brilliant.

00:27:45.000 He's got the funniest Instagram page by far.

00:27:48.000 Dude, when he fucks with his mom, it makes me, it kills me.

00:27:51.000 Have you seen him do that?

00:27:51.000 Yes.

00:27:52.000 When he's doing Craig, he's like, guess what?

00:27:53.000 Guess what?

00:27:55.000 You can tell she's so fucking, she's on the phone, like on a business call.

00:27:58.000 And she's like, I'm on the phone!

00:28:00.000 He doesn't give a fuck.

00:28:01.000 He keeps bugging her.

00:28:02.000 It's so funny, man.

00:28:04.000 Chicken butt.

00:28:06.000 That Craig character.

00:28:07.000 You know people are mad at him for that Craig character?

00:28:09.000 Why?

00:28:10.000 Of course.

00:28:10.000 What the fuck's new?

00:28:11.000 Because he's being an ableist.

00:28:12.000 Oh my god.

00:28:14.000 Oh my fucking god.

00:28:15.000 You're being an ableist.

00:28:18.000 I passed by Chick-fil-A. There's a new Chick-fil-A near me this morning.

00:28:21.000 The vegans were protesting.

00:28:23.000 Oh wait, this is him destroying his mother's painting.

00:28:25.000 How about a Hamburglar?

00:28:27.000 Color the Hamburglar in nice, yeah?

00:28:30.000 I'm just gonna put a t-shirt in the dinosaur in case it's cold outside.

00:28:38.000 Hello?

00:28:39.000 What are you doing, hon?

00:28:40.000 I'm just fixing the painting.

00:28:43.000 The painting?

00:28:45.000 The one that doesn't make any sense.

00:28:48.000 My $40,000 painting?

00:28:51.000 You haven't even seen it yet.

00:28:53.000 Maybe you'll like it better.

00:28:54.000 No, I won't like it better.

00:28:56.000 I'm putting a chitchat at the bottom with a smokestack.

00:29:01.000 What?

00:29:02.000 If this is true, you are in so much...

00:29:06.000 I'm just gonna cut out the Cookie Monster.

00:29:15.000 Hopefully, it'll look pretty much the same.

00:29:20.000 Alright, guys.

00:29:22.000 Stay after us.

00:29:23.000 Stay in school.

00:29:26.000 Oh, dude.

00:29:27.000 Stamp, drugs, stay in school!

00:29:29.000 I wish it had in every podcast to hear that.

00:29:31.000 Stamp, drugs, stay in school.

00:29:33.000 Oh, my God.

00:29:35.000 Dude, that kills me.

00:29:37.000 Every fucking time.

00:29:38.000 Oh, he's so funny, man.

00:29:39.000 Every time he posts something with that Craig character, fuck, it rips me up.

00:29:42.000 But it's funny how he found this niche and this new thing of face swap...

00:29:50.000 With, you know, characters.

00:29:52.000 It's perfect.

00:29:52.000 Well, it's perfect because his impressions are so good.

00:29:54.000 Oh, dude.

00:29:55.000 They're so fucking good.

00:29:56.000 His Bill Maher is insane.

00:29:57.000 Oh, my God.

00:29:58.000 It's so good.

00:29:59.000 It's, like, creepy.

00:30:00.000 When you see it, you're like, that's Bill Maher behind the face swap doing the voice.

00:30:04.000 When he does the Kim and Kanye talking to each other with Caitlyn.

00:30:10.000 It's brilliant, man.

00:30:11.000 He found the perfect groove.

00:30:14.000 I love the fact that there's this new thing that people can do.

00:30:18.000 This face swap thing is a completely new way of doing sketches.

00:30:23.000 Making characters.

00:30:23.000 Yeah, it's wild.

00:30:25.000 It's almost funnier because you know that he's behind it.

00:30:30.000 Yeah.

00:30:30.000 You know what I mean?

00:30:31.000 It's like you're in on it, so you know, but yet it's so good.

00:30:34.000 Like when he does like Kim and Kanye.

00:30:37.000 Dad.

00:30:38.000 Dad.

00:30:39.000 I'm lost in my house.

00:30:41.000 Oh, shit.

00:30:42.000 Look around you.

00:30:43.000 What do you see?

00:30:44.000 There's a washing machine.

00:30:46.000 It is a weird white box.

00:30:48.000 What is that white box?

00:30:52.000 She opens it up.

00:30:54.000 It's so perfect, this clueless family that's so wealthy that they're completely detached from laundry machines.

00:31:00.000 What is that?

00:31:00.000 What is that white box?

00:31:01.000 Who we mad at now?

00:31:05.000 I just love that this, like, technology's created, like, there's a bunch of YouTube people that do that.

00:31:10.000 They're doing, like, these weird YouTube videos.

00:31:12.000 Yeah, there's so many people doing it now.

00:31:14.000 Yeah.

00:31:14.000 But it's like, he's found, like, a real, specifically funny niche, because he's real to the characters.

00:31:21.000 Like, a lot of times people are throwing characters together in sketches, and they're just kind of so cheaply done, and they don't have any, like...

00:31:27.000 They don't mean comedic bass.

00:31:28.000 They're just like, weird to be fucking goofy!

00:31:30.000 And it's like...

00:31:31.000 Right.

00:31:31.000 You gotta have some kind of bass, man.

00:31:33.000 There's a few people that do it right.

00:31:35.000 My kid loves this lady, Miranda Sings.

00:31:38.000 Do you know who that is?

00:31:39.000 She's got this show called...

00:31:42.000 Fuck, what is her name?

00:31:43.000 Show picture.

00:31:43.000 Miranda Sings?

00:31:44.000 Yeah, I think that's her name.

00:31:46.000 Isn't that her name?

00:31:46.000 What does she do?

00:31:47.000 I tried to get her on the podcast.

00:31:48.000 Did not respond at all.

00:31:50.000 That's so funny.

00:31:50.000 I tried to do it just for my daughter.

00:31:53.000 She's so into this lady's show.

00:31:55.000 But it's a show that's not for kids.

00:31:57.000 Yeah, that's her.

00:31:59.000 It's a weird show.

00:32:00.000 Like this show, I'm like, I don't know if you should be watching this.

00:32:03.000 She had a Netflix show.

00:32:04.000 Yeah, is it over?

00:32:05.000 Did they cancel it?

00:32:06.000 I don't know if it was a movie or a show, actually.

00:32:07.000 I might be wrong.

00:32:08.000 My fucking kid loved that show, and I was watching it with her.

00:32:11.000 Click on the movie one.

00:32:11.000 Yeah, what is that?

00:32:12.000 Haters Back Off?

00:32:13.000 Yeah, that's what it's called.

00:32:14.000 Haters Back Off.

00:32:15.000 Is that a movie or a show?

00:32:16.000 It's a show.

00:32:18.000 Yeah, play the trailer.

00:32:19.000 Oh, yeah.

00:32:21.000 Last time you got laughed at, then humiliated, then your whole family left you.

00:32:27.000 I'm sure this time, I'm sure you'll be fine.

00:32:32.000 Miranda, right now you're just a boring, famous person.

00:32:35.000 We need to get you to Broadway.

00:32:37.000 He's great.

00:32:38.000 It's where legends are born.

00:32:40.000 Legends?

00:32:41.000 I thought legends weren't real now.

00:32:42.000 Like mermaids, leprechauns, zebras, Canadians.

00:32:46.000 Legends more better than real.

00:32:46.000 So my daughter, who's eight, will do an impression.

00:32:49.000 I thought mermaids were real!

00:32:51.000 So, like, she does that voice.

00:32:53.000 That voice that she does, yeah.

00:32:54.000 But it's a show, like, it's almost like a Tim and Eric type show.

00:32:57.000 It's not really a show for eight-year-olds.

00:33:00.000 It's just a mindfuck show.

00:33:01.000 Yeah, so I'm, like, letting her watch it, and I'm like, I don't even think you should be watching this.

00:33:06.000 But then again, she lives with me.

00:33:08.000 Yeah, no shit.

00:33:09.000 I was just going to say, what did you watch that you knew you shouldn't have been watching when you were a kid, too?

00:33:12.000 I tried to not swear for the first five years of their life, and then I'm like...

00:33:16.000 Impossible.

00:33:17.000 Stop.

00:33:18.000 Impossible.

00:33:18.000 My wife would get mad.

00:33:19.000 I'm like, what, are they going to learn about something early?

00:33:21.000 Who knows the shit?

00:33:22.000 I'm nice.

00:33:23.000 So occasionally I say shit or fuck.

00:33:25.000 What's the big deal?

00:33:26.000 I don't say, like, I'm gonna fuck you to my wife.

00:33:28.000 I'm gonna fuck you, lady.

00:33:30.000 I don't say that.

00:33:31.000 In front of your kids are eating dinner.

00:33:33.000 I'm gonna fuck you, lady.

00:33:34.000 Tonight, I'm fucking you, mom.

00:33:35.000 You guys, your mom, fucking her.

00:33:37.000 Hey, get how I made you.

00:33:38.000 Two spaghettis.

00:33:39.000 You're upset?

00:33:40.000 That's how I fucking made you.

00:33:42.000 Yeah.

00:33:43.000 That's where you came from, my dick.

00:33:44.000 There was a moment when my daughter was three.

00:33:46.000 We were skiing.

00:33:48.000 And we packed up all the stuff.

00:33:49.000 We're getting ready to leave, but we didn't pack up her helmet.

00:33:51.000 And so we got all the stuff packed.

00:33:53.000 We got everything.

00:33:53.000 Got everything.

00:33:55.000 The helmet.

00:33:56.000 I go, we haven't packed the helmet.

00:33:58.000 And my three-year-old daughter looks at the helmet, looks at her bag, and goes, shit.

00:34:05.000 That's great, though.

00:34:06.000 But there's a moment where we're like, oh, no!

00:34:08.000 And we're laughing, but we try not to look at it.

00:34:10.000 We're like, oh...

00:34:12.000 Like, turn it away laughing.

00:34:14.000 Listen, it's all...

00:34:15.000 Like, those videos on the internet are always funny when there's a kid trying to say duck.

00:34:19.000 And they're like, what is it?

00:34:19.000 He's like, da fuck?

00:34:20.000 Da fuck?

00:34:21.000 And you're like, it's funny.

00:34:22.000 I don't give a fuck.

00:34:22.000 It's funny.

00:34:23.000 There's no way.

00:34:23.000 The parent can't not laugh when he's like, fuck, da fuck?

00:34:26.000 And they're like, yeah, that's the duck.

00:34:28.000 Segura told me he, like, tried to kiss his son, his three-year-old.

00:34:31.000 And he's like, he goes, you, like, give daddy a kiss.

00:34:34.000 And he says, like, no, no, no, push.

00:34:36.000 He pushes him away, but as he pushes him away, he says, push.

00:34:39.000 No, no, no, push.

00:34:40.000 Push.

00:34:40.000 Uh-uh, push.

00:34:41.000 No, no, no.

00:34:42.000 Push.

00:34:42.000 Kissing me.

00:34:43.000 Push.

00:34:43.000 Get away from me, homo.

00:34:44.000 Push.

00:34:45.000 Stop trying to kiss me, fag dad.

00:34:49.000 Push.

00:34:51.000 When are you going to make little Santinos?

00:34:54.000 Trying, man.

00:34:54.000 Are you shooting some loads in there?

00:34:55.000 Yeah, pumping.

00:34:57.000 Pump.

00:34:58.000 Why not?

00:35:00.000 What's the difference?

00:35:00.000 Live ones.

00:35:01.000 Live rounds.

00:35:01.000 Yeah, live rounds.

00:35:02.000 Are you guys doing the thing where you're like checking the ovulation?

00:35:04.000 Kinda.

00:35:04.000 The calendar shit is so, that's such a weird thing too.

00:35:07.000 I think it's a mental thing as well that gets in the way.

00:35:09.000 Just banger every night.

00:35:10.000 Pump.

00:35:10.000 Just banger every night.

00:35:12.000 Yeah.

00:35:12.000 Let the fucking chips fall where they may.

00:35:14.000 True.

00:35:14.000 Yeah!

00:35:15.000 You know what you gotta do?

00:35:17.000 Eat mixed nuts.

00:35:18.000 Literally.

00:35:18.000 Nuts make your nuts grow.

00:35:20.000 Nuts.

00:35:20.000 Yeah.

00:35:21.000 Fucking Dr. Rhonda Patrick posted something on her Twitter page the other day about it.

00:35:25.000 She was like, just eat fucking nuts help sperm production.

00:35:27.000 She didn't say it that way.

00:35:28.000 She was like, scientific times.

00:35:29.000 She's like, yo, bro, fucking nuts?

00:35:32.000 Help out your fucking jizz flow.

00:35:33.000 This is what you want.

00:35:34.000 You want jizz?

00:35:34.000 You gotta eat a lot of nuts.

00:35:37.000 But apparently, if you eat a certain amount of grams of...

00:35:40.000 see if you can find the tweet.

00:35:42.000 A certain percentage helps you out.

00:35:44.000 Certain, like, quantity of mixed nuts makes your balls grow.

00:35:48.000 What?

00:35:49.000 Literally makes your sperm increase.

00:35:51.000 What makes your balls shrink?

00:35:52.000 There's got to be a food that does the opposite.

00:35:54.000 Steroids.

00:35:55.000 Yeah, I stopped eating those years ago.

00:35:58.000 It makes your balls shrink because your balls aren't making any testosterone anymore.

00:36:03.000 I asked the doctor and he said that it doesn't reduce the amount of semen you produce.

00:36:08.000 It makes your physical nuts smaller.

00:36:10.000 That's what your doctor said?

00:36:11.000 Yeah, because I asked him about it.

00:36:13.000 You need to go to a different doctor.

00:36:14.000 Yeah, I met him in Trader Joe's parking lot.

00:36:17.000 He was a good doctor.

00:36:18.000 He had like one of those fucking little stands.

00:36:20.000 Yeah.

00:36:21.000 This is why your nuts are small.

00:36:23.000 I showed him my nuts.

00:36:25.000 I let him hold them.

00:36:26.000 He had to inspect them.

00:36:27.000 I put gloves on.

00:36:29.000 Put them in my mouth and I'll tell you what's wrong with your nuts.

00:36:34.000 You ever have a girl that put your nuts in her mouth and hum?

00:36:37.000 And hum?

00:36:40.000 Like a monk.

00:36:41.000 Makes your brain shut off.

00:36:43.000 She put a didgeridoo on my nuts.

00:36:46.000 Like a Buddhist monk.

00:36:52.000 The nut monks.

00:36:53.000 That would make you feel weird because it's such a deep sound.

00:36:56.000 You'd be like, why am I coming to this deep sound?

00:36:59.000 No!

00:37:00.000 And then you get an imprint.

00:37:03.000 Like, deep sound coming noises.

00:37:05.000 Like, you've been talking, baby.

00:37:07.000 Then it's Pavlovian.

00:37:08.000 Can you make some noise for me?

00:37:09.000 No, no, no.

00:37:09.000 Deeper, deeper, deeper, deeper.

00:37:11.000 What?

00:37:12.000 Deeper.

00:37:12.000 I want you to go deep.

00:37:13.000 Make it deeper.

00:37:13.000 What the fuck do you mean?

00:37:15.000 Like a dude.

00:37:15.000 Sound like a dude.

00:37:16.000 Like a dog.

00:37:20.000 Then you shoot the hardest loads.

00:37:24.000 Men that supplemented their diet with 60 grams of mixed nuts daily for 14 weeks increased their sperm count by 16%.

00:37:31.000 Holy shit.

00:37:31.000 Sperm vitality by 4% and sperm motility by 6% according to a randomized controlled trial.

00:37:39.000 This controlled trial was my husband.

00:37:41.000 Yeah, imagine there's a cup and dudes jizzing into it every day for 14 weeks.

00:37:47.000 Jizzing into it!

00:37:48.000 You know how stoked those dudes are?

00:37:50.000 What do you got going on this week, man?

00:37:51.000 I'm just chizzing in a cup.

00:37:53.000 I'm eating mixed nuts and shit.

00:37:54.000 It's tight.

00:37:55.000 Getting 70 bucks.

00:37:56.000 You have to make a deal with this guy in the study.

00:37:59.000 You can't come.

00:38:00.000 At all.

00:38:02.000 Except for the study.

00:38:03.000 In the cup.

00:38:04.000 Otherwise, we're not going to know.

00:38:05.000 Because if you're banging all day, one day, and the next day, you don't do anything, you get a bunch of tired cum.

00:38:12.000 Sad, lazy cum?

00:38:13.000 Cum comes out different.

00:38:15.000 I don't know if anybody knows, but you ever take a few days off of beating off, and then you beat off, and it's like...

00:38:20.000 Put a hole in the ceiling.

00:38:21.000 It's flying all over the place.

00:38:23.000 If I'm jerking off too much...

00:38:24.000 Yeah, and it just kind of dribbles out, and you feel like a loser.

00:38:27.000 Yeah.

00:38:28.000 Hey!

00:38:29.000 I feel very depressed if my cum volume's low.

00:38:31.000 Like if I beat off and it's just like...

00:38:33.000 Makes you sad.

00:38:34.000 Why did I do that?

00:38:35.000 Yeah.

00:38:35.000 Why?

00:38:36.000 Why?

00:38:38.000 Why?

00:38:38.000 I find it always depends on how much I build up.

00:38:40.000 If I'm building up to it, I get a big one.

00:38:43.000 Build up, oh, you edge?

00:38:44.000 Do you edge?

00:38:45.000 Yeah, dude.

00:38:45.000 Like a fucking pervert?

00:38:46.000 Yeah.

00:38:47.000 I didn't know about edging.

00:38:48.000 It's fucking awesome.

00:38:49.000 Norton had to tell me about it.

00:38:50.000 That he edges.

00:38:51.000 He'd edge with prostitutes.

00:38:53.000 He'd get a prostitute and you'd get right to the point of coming and go, all right, thanks, here's your money.

00:38:57.000 Call another one.

00:38:57.000 Next!

00:38:58.000 Yeah, why not?

00:38:59.000 Get another prostitute.

00:38:59.000 When was this?

00:39:00.000 How long ago?

00:39:01.000 Like yesterday.

00:39:02.000 No, when was this?

00:39:03.000 When was the prostitutes?

00:39:04.000 Oh, Norton's like real similar.

00:39:06.000 Still?

00:39:07.000 Yeah, Norton's an animal, bro.

00:39:09.000 Yeah.

00:39:09.000 He doesn't give a fuck.

00:39:12.000 He does give a fuck, but he doesn't give a fuck at the same time.

00:39:15.000 Secretly, when they leave, yeah, he's bummed the fuck out.

00:39:18.000 Yeah, he gets disgusted in himself, but that's what he enjoys.

00:39:20.000 I feel like he should be free.

00:39:22.000 You know, there's some guy, I was reading something, some guy was doing something, an anti-shame thing.

00:39:29.000 It was a doctor, like, fuck shame.

00:39:31.000 It was like his...

00:39:34.000 Shame is a weird thing.

00:39:36.000 There's things that people are ashamed of that we're not ashamed of at all.

00:39:39.000 Like sex.

00:39:41.000 Like normal sex.

00:39:43.000 Say if your wife's walking around the house in a pair of shorts and you grab her ass and she turns around and she smiles at you and the two of you start banging.

00:39:51.000 That's fine.

00:39:52.000 You're married.

00:39:53.000 You love each other.

00:39:55.000 You're attracted to each other.

00:39:56.000 It's all normal.

00:39:57.000 But if you lived in a crazy religious household where she's supposed to be dressed like a fucking tablecloth, That would be a real problem.

00:40:05.000 She would feel awful.

00:40:07.000 She would feel ashamed.

00:40:09.000 So it's like, what causes shame?

00:40:11.000 Cultural acceptance, right?

00:40:13.000 And the building blocks of how you erase, right?

00:40:15.000 Some people get shamed from their parents for stuff that they shouldn't feel ashamed about.

00:40:19.000 Oh, yeah, for sure.

00:40:21.000 Yeah, and for Norton, it's like he pays these nice ladies to touch his penis, and that's why they don't have to work at Denny's.

00:40:27.000 They still do.

00:40:28.000 Yeah, that's their shift.

00:40:29.000 That's their break.

00:40:30.000 They go on a smoke break and go edge him for an hour and a half and come back.

00:40:34.000 Dishwasher hands.

00:40:35.000 Kind of like really strong fingerprints.

00:40:39.000 You know what I mean?

00:40:39.000 This is a fucking indentation on his cock.

00:40:43.000 Really strong.

00:40:44.000 Like the lines and the fingerprints, they're deeper than normal.

00:40:48.000 Yeah, they're grooved.

00:40:49.000 All the chemicals, dishwashing all the time.

00:40:52.000 Washing all day.

00:40:53.000 What does he tell you it costs him?

00:40:55.000 How much money does he spend on hookers?

00:40:58.000 Well, I don't know.

00:40:59.000 He's a wealthy guy, so it's like not a problem.

00:41:02.000 That's part of the problem.

00:41:04.000 Part of the problem is that it's not a problem.

00:41:06.000 He's so successful.

00:41:07.000 You know, Jim sells out comedy shows everywhere.

00:41:10.000 Yeah.

00:41:10.000 He's got a SiriusXM show.

00:41:12.000 He's written books.

00:41:13.000 He's got plenty of money for hookers.

00:41:15.000 So he's like, fuck it here.

00:41:17.000 He's like the most free guy that I know in terms of like talking about his weirdness and his perversion.

00:41:23.000 Is he sober?

00:41:24.000 Yes.

00:41:25.000 He has been since he was like really young.

00:41:27.000 Yeah?

00:41:27.000 Yeah, he had a problem and he got sober I think when he was 19. Holy shit.

00:41:32.000 Yeah, he's been sober the entire time.

00:41:34.000 That's fucking wild.

00:41:35.000 Yeah.

00:41:36.000 But then everyone's got our vice.

00:41:37.000 Yeah, well his vice is- it's a strong one.

00:41:40.000 Yeah?

00:41:41.000 But it's like trannies.

00:41:42.000 He's really into trannies.

00:41:43.000 For real?

00:41:44.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:41:44.000 Good for him.

00:41:45.000 Whatever.

00:41:45.000 Whatever the fuck he likes.

00:41:46.000 And he says it.

00:41:47.000 Like, you're not supposed to say it anymore.

00:41:49.000 Like, I just got in trouble.

00:41:50.000 Oh, dude, I got fucking lit up for that online.

00:41:53.000 I didn't- I was with gay friends at a What I put online, having the most fun at a Mexican tranny bar.

00:42:01.000 People lit me the fuck up.

00:42:04.000 That's not a word we...

00:42:05.000 I was like, okay.

00:42:06.000 I was with gay dudes that they joked about it with me.

00:42:08.000 I thought it was a...

00:42:09.000 Okay.

00:42:10.000 It's a...

00:42:11.000 You can say transvestite.

00:42:13.000 You can't say tranny.

00:42:14.000 Justin Martindale can say whatever he wants.

00:42:17.000 He does.

00:42:17.000 He can.

00:42:18.000 Yeah.

00:42:19.000 Yeah, he does.

00:42:19.000 He says whatever the fuck he wants.

00:42:21.000 Because he's a flamboyant gay guy.

00:42:23.000 Yeah.

00:42:23.000 He can get away with it.

00:42:25.000 He does.

00:42:26.000 He says fucking everything.

00:42:28.000 Yeah, but like a flamboyant gay guy could say that and no one would say shit, but a straight white guy from Chicago?

00:42:32.000 Done.

00:42:33.000 You asshole.

00:42:33.000 You piece of shit.

00:42:34.000 You fucking asshole.

00:42:35.000 Justin Martindale, he yells the N-word all the time.

00:42:37.000 Constantly.

00:42:38.000 I didn't know that.

00:42:39.000 No, he doesn't, but I just wanted to put that out there.

00:42:41.000 You should probably tell him to stop.

00:42:43.000 I don't think you get that kind of freedom just by being gay.

00:42:45.000 But if you were a gay black guy...

00:42:47.000 Yeah, then you can.

00:42:48.000 Then I think you're good.

00:42:49.000 A gay black transgender guy could do whatever he wants.

00:42:52.000 With no legs and one eye.

00:42:54.000 Hmm.

00:42:55.000 He's disabled, gay, black, trans...

00:42:59.000 You know what's interesting?

00:43:00.000 No one, I mean, no one accepts transracial.

00:43:04.000 Can't do it.

00:43:05.000 No one accepts transracial.

00:43:06.000 That is the one thing.

00:43:07.000 Like that woman.

00:43:08.000 Yeah, Rachel Dolezal.

00:43:09.000 That's that one line that we are not willing to cross.

00:43:13.000 No fucking way.

00:43:14.000 Meanwhile, it is one of the most realistic lines.

00:43:17.000 This is why.

00:43:17.000 Totally.

00:43:18.000 All human beings came from Africa.

00:43:20.000 All of them.

00:43:21.000 Well, also, race has a lot to do with culture.

00:43:24.000 Yeah, for sure.

00:43:25.000 But, I mean, literally all human beings came from Africa.

00:43:28.000 Yeah.

00:43:28.000 That is the cradle of civilization.

00:43:30.000 Yeah.

00:43:31.000 So, we're all African.

00:43:33.000 So, why can't she pretend to be African?

00:43:35.000 Why can't you just be it?

00:43:37.000 That's really what it is.

00:43:37.000 It's not even pretending.

00:43:38.000 If you just say, that's what I identify with, I get it.

00:43:41.000 That, to me, is like, that's more on the other side of when people say, like, you can't be a gender other than a male or a female.

00:43:49.000 And people say, yes, you can.

00:43:51.000 And that's accepted.

00:43:52.000 But if you said, I identify as Puerto Rican.

00:43:56.000 They're like, no fucking way.

00:43:57.000 Is there any race that would let you in like that?

00:44:00.000 Is there any race that you're like, yeah, come on, you could be Slovenian.

00:44:03.000 I feel like redheads are like the, I think I've got a little bit of a pass.

00:44:07.000 You should have a pass.

00:44:08.000 We have a pass.

00:44:09.000 You guys are maligned.

00:44:10.000 Yeah, we have a pass.

00:44:11.000 Gingers?

00:44:11.000 Just kick a ginger day on South Park.

00:44:13.000 We're dead.

00:44:14.000 We're going to be gone in like 50 years.

00:44:16.000 Did you ever think it'd die in your hair?

00:44:17.000 No.

00:44:18.000 I knew a dude who had red hair used to dye his eyebrows.

00:44:21.000 What a fucking weirdo, man.

00:44:22.000 That's a weird fucking thing to do.

00:44:23.000 Died his hair, dyed his eyebrows, looked different.

00:44:25.000 Because he was that sad about having red hair?

00:44:28.000 When I was a kid, it bothered me like crazy, and then I got older and I didn't give a fuck.

00:44:32.000 And then when you get older, there's some women that like it, that think that's more attractive because it's red.

00:44:38.000 Do you feel bad for them?

00:44:39.000 Yeah, I think they're dumb.

00:44:41.000 They're fucking idiots.

00:44:42.000 I know something went wrong.

00:44:45.000 It's funny what people like.

00:44:47.000 Some people like thick ankles.

00:44:49.000 Oh, yeah.

00:44:50.000 Like a girl with thick ankles.

00:44:51.000 What's your weirdest specific thing that you...

00:44:53.000 When you first started getting into chicks and you figured out what your style was, what was the one thing you're like, that's weird and most people don't like that about girls?

00:44:59.000 I don't have one of those.

00:45:00.000 You don't have any of that shit?

00:45:01.000 No.

00:45:02.000 Like some guys love cellulite.

00:45:03.000 You know, some girls like chunky bitches.

00:45:07.000 Young Jamie over there.

00:45:10.000 He's like, hey!

00:45:13.000 Don't put that evil on me!

00:45:15.000 He's going to have so many DMs from these fat chicks hitting him up.

00:45:19.000 You get your cellulite pics.

00:45:20.000 Do you know there's a new show on Netflix that they're trying to take off the air?

00:45:23.000 It's about a girl who used to be fat and then she got skinny and she's getting revenge on everybody.

00:45:28.000 What's that called?

00:45:28.000 I want to watch.

00:45:29.000 How would they take that off?

00:45:30.000 That sounds perfect.

00:45:31.000 See if you can find it.

00:45:32.000 It's some really pretty girl.

00:45:33.000 She's going back to all the people that talked shit to her when she was young about being fat.

00:45:37.000 I guess.

00:45:37.000 I didn't really pay attention 100%.

00:45:39.000 Yeah.

00:45:40.000 But people are very angry about it.

00:45:42.000 About the premise.

00:45:43.000 Why?

00:45:44.000 Fat shaming.

00:45:45.000 Oh gosh.

00:45:46.000 Don't you know about fat shaming?

00:45:48.000 Yeah.

00:45:48.000 Sure.

00:45:49.000 Yeah.

00:45:52.000 What is it called?

00:45:54.000 That girl, Debbie Ryan.

00:45:56.000 Fat-phobic.

00:45:57.000 It's a fat...hold on a second.

00:45:59.000 Hold on, let me read that.

00:46:00.000 Fat-phobic Netflix series supports damaging stereotypes for young women.

00:46:06.000 Well listen, I'm gonna tell you guys this really, really clearly.

00:46:10.000 If your children are fat, they're eating too much sugar.

00:46:13.000 Okay?

00:46:14.000 Yep, that's a fact.

00:46:15.000 Fix that.

00:46:17.000 Or try, but don't just call people fat-phobic.

00:46:22.000 There's a lot of nonsense that's involved in people's bodies and education, and the big one is what they eat has no bearing on what they look like.

00:46:32.000 That is horseshit.

00:46:32.000 Yeah, it's bullshit.

00:46:33.000 You didn't have giant fat people in the 20s.

00:46:37.000 You go back and look at fucking people in the 20s, they were all starving to death.

00:46:41.000 They were all skinny, and the bread they ate was different.

00:46:43.000 You know what someone fucking told me?

00:46:45.000 Jordan Peterson told me this.

00:46:46.000 We've got to look this up.

00:46:49.000 Emulsifiers.

00:46:51.000 Emulsifiers.

00:46:51.000 And he was reading something about emulsifiers that are used in fast-rising yeast and in a lot of bread products are responsible for leaky gut.

00:47:01.000 And they have an impact on people's sensitivities to gluten.

00:47:07.000 And he was saying that emulsifiers are basically like fucking shampoo.

00:47:11.000 You know how you have oil in the water?

00:47:14.000 You wash some dishes and all that greasy oil, and you pour some dishwashing soap in there in the water.

00:47:19.000 He goes, that's in food.

00:47:22.000 Like, that's a similar quality.

00:47:24.000 And that's what's causing all these, like, gluten allergies and shit?

00:47:28.000 There's a bunch of different things that are causing it.

00:47:29.000 One of them is the more complex glutens.

00:47:32.000 Because it used to be that you would get, like, if you had wheat, you would have...

00:47:37.000 It's like old wheat was like a small little sort of grain.

00:47:41.000 It was a smaller plant.

00:47:42.000 And then they started changing it.

00:47:45.000 And as they started changing...

00:47:47.000 And selectively breeding it.

00:47:48.000 What they started doing is making it thicker and more dense, and that way you get a much higher yield per acre.

00:47:55.000 But in doing so, they also made it more difficult for your body to absorb it.

00:47:59.000 To process, yeah.

00:47:59.000 To process it, yeah.

00:48:00.000 But he was saying that it's also, they use this fast-rising yeast And that there's emulsifiers in it, and then emulsifiers are apparently terrible for your body.

00:48:10.000 Which makes sense, because you go to fucking Italy, and I know you like to go to Italy, and you eat some of that fucking pasta over there, it doesn't make you feel the same.

00:48:17.000 No, it doesn't.

00:48:18.000 No, you actually don't feel as thick.

00:48:20.000 I feel way thicker, like I feel dumpy when I eat it back home.

00:48:23.000 Yeah, I found pasta that I could buy online that's from Italy.

00:48:27.000 Fresh-made pasta from there?

00:48:28.000 Well, it's not fresh-made, but it tastes better if you feel better when you eat it.

00:48:34.000 No, you do, actually.

00:48:34.000 I know that sounds like a thing an American traveler would say.

00:48:37.000 It's better over there, but it is true.

00:48:39.000 And no one's fat.

00:48:40.000 No.

00:48:41.000 You go over there, they're not fat.

00:48:42.000 It's us.

00:48:42.000 If there's someone fat, it's an American that's over there.

00:48:44.000 Every time I see a fat person, a thousand bucks says they're from the States.

00:48:47.000 But they're eating cannolis, they've got tiramisu, they've got spaghetti.

00:48:50.000 They eat dessert and have coffee every fucking night.

00:48:53.000 Why aren't they fat?

00:48:54.000 They live their lifestyle and their food choices.

00:48:56.000 Maybe they're just not fat-phobic.

00:48:58.000 Maybe they're yelling at your kids at the goddamn Netflix show.

00:49:02.000 Fat-phobic.

00:49:03.000 Fat-phobic.

00:49:03.000 I'm going to purposely have two kids and I'm going to feed one of them very healthy food and the other one I'm just going to have sugary diet and just fatten the fuck out of them.

00:49:10.000 Just to show society what's up.

00:49:13.000 Dress them like a seal and put them behind a boat in South Africa.

00:49:15.000 I'm going to have a rope.

00:49:16.000 Yeah, I'll have a rope.

00:49:17.000 Did you see the premise of the show?

00:49:18.000 Or do you know what the plot, I guess, would be?

00:49:22.000 Of the fat show?

00:49:23.000 Yeah.

00:49:23.000 She used to be fat and then she lost weight, right?

00:49:25.000 She got punched in the face and had to get her jaw wired shut.

00:49:28.000 That's how she lost the weight.

00:49:32.000 Oh my god, that is so fucked up.

00:49:35.000 That's kind of fucked up.

00:49:36.000 Wait a minute.

00:49:37.000 Who punched her in the face?

00:49:38.000 Her dad.

00:49:39.000 For eating cake.

00:49:41.000 Stop eating cake!

00:49:42.000 You fucking cunt.

00:49:43.000 It worked!

00:49:45.000 What?

00:49:45.000 So stupid.

00:49:47.000 That's such a stupid premise.

00:49:49.000 And then, but she's getting revenge on people that talk shit.

00:49:51.000 That's it, right?

00:49:52.000 She's going back for vengeance.

00:49:53.000 On the people who hurt her.

00:49:54.000 So the idea is that girls are going to watch that and they're going to want to get their jaw wired shut.

00:49:58.000 They're going to tell their friends to punch them.

00:49:59.000 To break their fucking...

00:50:00.000 Punch me.

00:50:00.000 Hit me with a bat right in my head.

00:50:02.000 I'm going to jump off my roof.

00:50:03.000 That'd be a Kyle Dunnigan sketch.

00:50:05.000 That would be a great Dunnigan sketch.

00:50:06.000 Hit me with a bat right in the head.

00:50:08.000 Hit me.

00:50:08.000 Hit me in the face.

00:50:09.000 I don't want to lose weight.

00:50:11.000 Ha!

00:50:11.000 Knock out my fucking teeth.

00:50:13.000 God.

00:50:14.000 Summer body.

00:50:15.000 But people do lose weight when they get their jaw wired.

00:50:18.000 Well, yeah, you eat liquid.

00:50:19.000 It's because you can only drink at the side of your mouth.

00:50:22.000 It was like Kanye when he shattered his, when he got in that car accident, he lost all that weight and he talked about it because he couldn't eat anything.

00:50:28.000 And he was so fucked up on painkillers and shit.

00:50:31.000 Ugh.

00:50:32.000 Yeah.

00:50:32.000 No thanks, dude.

00:50:33.000 Fuck that shit.

00:50:34.000 It's weird how vulnerable your jaw is.

00:50:36.000 Feel that.

00:50:37.000 Go side to side with your jaw.

00:50:38.000 Yeah.

00:50:39.000 It breaks so easy.

00:50:40.000 So vulnerable.

00:50:42.000 I can't believe more people don't crack their fucking jaw.

00:50:44.000 When I was fighting, I was always, my jaw was always sore.

00:50:48.000 Like, you'd always get dinged.

00:50:50.000 Like, you'd always get inspiring.

00:50:52.000 So, like, you'd be chewing and eating like this.

00:50:54.000 It was painful.

00:50:56.000 Yeah, your jaw was always sore.

00:50:58.000 You feel it in your teeth?

00:50:59.000 Do your teeth feel it?

00:50:59.000 No, you feel it in your, like, where the joint is.

00:51:02.000 Yeah.

00:51:02.000 You gotta realize your jaw is, in many ways, like your knee.

00:51:05.000 Yeah.

00:51:05.000 Right?

00:51:06.000 Like, you know, your knee gets sore.

00:51:07.000 So your knee gets sore and it like, ah, it hurts when you do that.

00:51:10.000 When you get punched a bunch, your jaw gets sore.

00:51:14.000 Like when you're chewing, it hurts.

00:51:15.000 Yeah.

00:51:16.000 Is that the worst or is like rib, rib, constant rib punching worse?

00:51:19.000 No, the worst is your head.

00:51:21.000 Always?

00:51:21.000 By far.

00:51:22.000 Yeah, by far.

00:51:23.000 Because it's scary.

00:51:24.000 Like your ribs aren't scary.

00:51:25.000 It's like, ah!

00:51:26.000 I've had broken ribs.

00:51:27.000 Like one of my ribs, like on this side, like sticks out more because it's been cracked.

00:51:32.000 It's all fucked up.

00:51:33.000 I probably broke.

00:51:35.000 At least three ribs.

00:51:38.000 Maybe more.

00:51:39.000 I think I broke...

00:51:39.000 I probably broke at least three.

00:51:41.000 I don't know.

00:51:42.000 I've definitely had some tears in the cartilage in between the ribs, too.

00:51:45.000 Mm-hmm.

00:51:46.000 The problem is they don't really do much about it.

00:51:48.000 When you get a broken rib, they don't put you in a cast.

00:51:50.000 Yeah, you can't do shit.

00:51:51.000 They don't really do much about it.

00:51:52.000 You're just in fucking agony for a while until it heals up.

00:51:54.000 I never broke ribs.

00:51:55.000 I don't know if that's painful or not.

00:51:57.000 Ribs suck, but you're still okay.

00:51:58.000 When your head hurts, you're scared.

00:52:01.000 Oh, yeah.

00:52:01.000 I've had three concussions.

00:52:02.000 I fucking...

00:52:02.000 How'd you get concussions?

00:52:04.000 All sports.

00:52:05.000 One football, two basketball.

00:52:07.000 Basketball?

00:52:07.000 Basketball was bad.

00:52:09.000 Basketball was twice the same way.

00:52:11.000 Did you fall?

00:52:11.000 Yeah, man.

00:52:12.000 Got my legs taken out from under me.

00:52:13.000 Both times.

00:52:14.000 Oh, Jesus Christ.

00:52:14.000 Fell on my neck.

00:52:16.000 My mom tells this story.

00:52:17.000 My friend, who's now passed away, sadly, he's gone, but he called my mom and was like, Don't freak out.

00:52:26.000 But, don't freak out, the first words to a parent, don't freak out!

00:52:29.000 Andrew's in the hospital!

00:52:30.000 And of course my mom is in full-on, what happened?

00:52:33.000 My baby!

00:52:35.000 I got my fucking knees, I went to get a rebound, and on my way down, I just remember seeing the ceiling.

00:52:41.000 That's the last thing I remember.

00:52:43.000 My legs were right off from under me, and I hit my head so hard on the ground that I bounced up, and everyone playing was like standing around in shock.

00:52:51.000 And I was blacking in and out.

00:52:53.000 But it was so strange because you don't really know it right away.

00:52:58.000 You're like, what's going on?

00:52:59.000 I'm good.

00:53:00.000 You know, I'm good.

00:53:00.000 You think I'm good.

00:53:01.000 I'm walking.

00:53:01.000 I'm good.

00:53:01.000 And everybody's like, sit down.

00:53:03.000 Are you okay?

00:53:03.000 Like, are you fucking?

00:53:04.000 You know, you could hear it from outside.

00:53:06.000 And then I sat down.

00:53:08.000 They had the EMTs come.

00:53:09.000 And I remember like clear as day when the EMT fucking grabbed my hand and he started to walk and I go, I'm going to fall down and pass out.

00:53:18.000 I said, I don't feel good.

00:53:19.000 I'm not going to go to black.

00:53:20.000 And I remember I threw up.

00:53:21.000 I barfed everywhere all over this.

00:53:23.000 I puked and then I woke up again in the hospital.

00:53:26.000 That was bad.

00:53:27.000 That was the worst one I ever had.

00:53:28.000 I bruised all these vertebrae and the doctor kept saying how it was inches of pressure away from cracking, from breaking my fucking neck.

00:53:37.000 Because all of my weight went one way.

00:53:39.000 That was bad.

00:53:40.000 Football was bad.

00:53:41.000 Football was helmet to helmet shit.

00:53:44.000 That shit sucks.

00:53:45.000 I was kicking the ball because our kicker was hurt.

00:53:47.000 And the kid over-snapped it, went right over my head.

00:53:49.000 I went and grabbed it.

00:53:50.000 As soon as I turned around, I got fucking whopped.

00:53:53.000 And then a guy on the sideline goes, You got your bell rung, boy!

00:53:56.000 I mean, I got fucking...

00:53:57.000 I mean, everyone was like, Whoa!

00:53:59.000 They were loving it.

00:54:00.000 I got fucking smoked!

00:54:02.000 I got smoked!

00:54:03.000 I look like a fucking rag doll, I'm sure.

00:54:06.000 It's a weird thing when people cheer when someone gets gravely injured.

00:54:10.000 Oh yeah, people love it.

00:54:11.000 Because the force of it is like, oh shit!

00:54:14.000 It looks incredible to see.

00:54:16.000 I mean, but think about fights.

00:54:17.000 Same thing.

00:54:18.000 Yeah, I mean, when someone gets head kicked, boom!

00:54:20.000 Fuck!

00:54:21.000 It's fucking insane.

00:54:22.000 You can't believe you're watching it.

00:54:24.000 That's why the human emotion of like, oh, that guy could be fucking dead soon.

00:54:28.000 One of the most disturbing ones I ever saw was Francis Ngannou knocked out Alistair Overeem with this fucking left hook-uppercut combination that sent his head, like literally he was like looking at his asshole.

00:54:41.000 It snapped his head back so far, it was fucking horrific, and he literally flatlined.

00:54:48.000 Yeah, it just flatlined, like legs spread out, toes curled, one punch, and it was so powerful and so horrific that I was like...

00:54:58.000 Yeah, you can't help but go...

00:55:03.000 Yeah, but people are cheering for someone getting horribly injured.

00:55:07.000 Well, I had a moment at UFC 225, that's what it was in Chicago.

00:55:12.000 I had a moment where I'm sitting on the floor and I was looking around and Tony and I were, you know, it was between fights and Tony goes, this is fucking awesome, man.

00:55:21.000 And I go, it is.

00:55:22.000 And as I'm looking around, it like soaked for a second in me that I was like, This is so historic in nature of people gathering to watch people fight.

00:55:33.000 It brought me to this weird place of like, isn't this insane to think that all these humans are just coming to watch these two athletes just grapple at one another?

00:55:42.000 It was interesting because other sporting events didn't hit me like that.

00:55:47.000 Remember when you were a kid and the kids would decide, we're going to fight after school?

00:55:51.000 Everyone wants to watch.

00:55:52.000 Fuck.

00:55:52.000 Everybody gathered around.

00:55:53.000 It was way more exciting than what was going on in those stupid classrooms.

00:55:57.000 There was a little area in my high school that people fought at.

00:56:00.000 This little secret garden.

00:56:01.000 It was like a place that you could get to.

00:56:02.000 You know what I mean?

00:56:03.000 And people loved it, dude.

00:56:04.000 They set up fights.

00:56:05.000 Two dudes fought over this one girl.

00:56:07.000 They were both fucking.

00:56:08.000 And she was there.

00:56:09.000 That was even more fucking brutal.

00:56:12.000 Oh my god.

00:56:12.000 Who won?

00:56:13.000 The kid that they thought was going to win.

00:56:15.000 I mean, he was just a tougher kid.

00:56:17.000 But it was the middle of winter, I'll never forget.

00:56:20.000 And he had really bad acne.

00:56:21.000 And the other kid, every time he landed a punch, you would see the redness get worse in his acne and the blood start coming out of his face.

00:56:28.000 Oh, and zit blood.

00:56:29.000 It's rough.

00:56:31.000 It was the fight.

00:56:31.000 It was called Zit Blood 1. Zit Blood 1. That's the fucking fighting over a girl.

00:56:38.000 Not only do you lose the girl, but you also get your ass kicked.

00:56:41.000 And she was there, which was even more fucking brash.

00:56:43.000 That's how girls are such assholes.

00:56:45.000 She stood there and watched these two dickheads fight over her shit.

00:56:48.000 Did she say, don't, stop, stop it.

00:56:50.000 Cut it out, guys, please.

00:56:52.000 Was she?

00:56:52.000 No, she didn't say shit.

00:56:53.000 She stood there and watched it.

00:56:54.000 Come on, pussies!

00:56:55.000 Who wants them?

00:56:56.000 You want to really fuck this pussy?

00:56:57.000 Come on!

00:56:58.000 Yeah, she did the triangle.

00:56:59.000 Come on!

00:56:59.000 You want this?

00:57:00.000 You want this?

00:57:02.000 Yeah, she watched him do it.

00:57:03.000 And the whole fucking school watched it.

00:57:04.000 And then somebody...

00:57:05.000 It probably wasn't that fight, but one fight I remember somebody taped.

00:57:09.000 And tapes were getting passed around.

00:57:10.000 Oh, Jesus.

00:57:11.000 But this is what's fucked about these school rule things.

00:57:14.000 Like, athletes, we always had this guilty by association shit.

00:57:18.000 If you're there, you get suspended.

00:57:20.000 Even if you had nothing to do with it.

00:57:22.000 What?

00:57:22.000 Athlete code of conduct.

00:57:23.000 Wait a minute.

00:57:24.000 So if I'm at a party and it gets busted up by the cops...

00:57:28.000 And I don't have alcohol or drugs on me or nothing, but I'm at that party, and it gets back to the school and the coach years, I get suspended from whatever.

00:57:35.000 Oh, speaking of which, Burr sent me this.

00:57:37.000 What?

00:57:37.000 There's a code of conduct at Netflix.

00:57:41.000 Yeah.

00:57:41.000 Like an internal thing?

00:57:42.000 No, I'm sorry.

00:57:43.000 At Just For Laughs, rather.

00:57:45.000 Oh, shit.

00:57:45.000 Yeah.

00:57:46.000 Just For Laughs.

00:57:46.000 I'm going to send you this, young Jamie.

00:57:49.000 Netflix has a...

00:57:50.000 Why do I keep saying Netflix?

00:57:52.000 Just For Laughs.

00:57:53.000 Montreal.

00:57:54.000 Yeah.

00:57:55.000 Has a code of conduct.

00:57:56.000 They post it everywhere, I'm sure.

00:57:58.000 Oh, yeah.

00:57:59.000 Yeah, of course.

00:58:00.000 Yeah.

00:58:00.000 Hold on a second.

00:58:01.000 For artists or for people?

00:58:03.000 It's got to be for artists.

00:58:04.000 For the comics.

00:58:05.000 Yeah.

00:58:06.000 Here.

00:58:07.000 That's so funny.

00:58:08.000 I sent it to you, Jamie.

00:58:09.000 Yeah.

00:58:09.000 A code of conduct.

00:58:11.000 How to behave.

00:58:12.000 For comics!

00:58:12.000 For adults.

00:58:13.000 Grown people.

00:58:14.000 Yeah.

00:58:14.000 Listen, you sell what fucked up people make.

00:58:18.000 Yep.

00:58:19.000 Okay?

00:58:19.000 Yep.

00:58:19.000 Okay.

00:58:20.000 But we're gonna tell you there's a code.

00:58:21.000 Oh, shit.

00:58:22.000 Can you make that bigger?

00:58:23.000 In order to accomplish our purpose, the Just for Laughs festival must be exempt of abuse, inappropriate, or vexatious.

00:58:32.000 I've never read that before.

00:58:33.000 Have you ever read that word before?

00:58:34.000 To vex somebody?

00:58:36.000 Vexatious behaviors.

00:58:38.000 Everyone participating in the Just for Laughs festival must treat artists, festival goers, and employees with equality, respect, and dignity, no matter the gender, sexual identity, sexual orientation, disability, physical appearance,

00:58:54.000 race, or religion.

00:58:56.000 I hope they left one out.

00:58:58.000 Yeah, what about cognitive function?

00:59:00.000 Right.

00:59:00.000 It sounds like you can pick on really stupid people still.

00:59:04.000 JFL adopts a zero-tolerance policy on harassment in all its forms, whether it is verbal comments, actions, or gestures that are repeated and hostile, that affect a person's dignity or psychological or physical integrity.

00:59:21.000 Oh, so you can't talk shit anymore.

00:59:23.000 No talking shit.

00:59:25.000 What do we do when we're hanging around?

00:59:26.000 We talk shit.

00:59:27.000 That's the whole thing.

00:59:28.000 You've been harassing me.

00:59:29.000 You've been vexatious with me, sir.

00:59:32.000 Nothing in this policy should be interpreted as a barrier to artistic freedom.

00:59:37.000 Too late.

00:59:38.000 Les Herondes.

00:59:40.000 They had to put a French word in that motherfucker.

00:59:42.000 Intervention teams and security squads.

00:59:45.000 What?

00:59:46.000 Hold on.

00:59:47.000 Intervention teams and security squads of specialized responders with the mission of increasing the safety of women and vulnerable persons during the outdoor events will be on the street festival site every day between 7 and 11. So if you want to molest,

01:00:03.000 here's your hours.

01:00:05.000 After 11, up to 7...

01:00:07.000 They'll be wearing pink armbands and luminous bracelets for better visibility in the dark.

01:00:15.000 They will also have a tent located on Place des Festivals of Rue, Balmore, between Balmore and Balmoulins.

01:00:26.000 God, French is awesome.

01:00:27.000 What were the streets?

01:00:28.000 What were the streets?

01:00:29.000 They're trying to remember in a moment.

01:00:30.000 We can't molest on these streets, boys, so branch out.

01:00:33.000 We're going to go into the forest, to the suburbs.

01:00:34.000 No molesting on rue St. Catherine.

01:00:36.000 In addition, if you are the victim of a witness, a prohibited act.

01:00:40.000 Okay.

01:00:40.000 Well, what's a prohibited act?

01:00:42.000 Anything listed above, Joe.

01:00:44.000 It seems like everything.

01:00:45.000 Yeah, it is.

01:00:45.000 Zero conduct.

01:00:46.000 Email them.

01:00:47.000 I mean, I'm all for no rape, no touching, no harassment.

01:00:50.000 Totally.

01:00:50.000 I'm all for that.

01:00:51.000 But it seems like they are just covering their ass.

01:00:53.000 Let's go back up to that, what you can't do again.

01:00:56.000 I want to know what vexatious is.

01:00:58.000 What's vexatious?

01:01:00.000 Inappropriate.

01:01:00.000 Abusive, inappropriate.

01:01:03.000 Or vexatious.

01:01:04.000 Vexatious behavior.

01:01:05.000 But everything we do is inappropriate.

01:01:07.000 Yeah, the idea of what we do for a living is inappropriate.

01:01:10.000 That whole back alley where everybody goes and smokes, that's an inappropriate zone.

01:01:14.000 Every single time.

01:01:15.000 Every time you go back there, people are just saying ridiculous shit.

01:01:17.000 Cause annoyance, frustration, or worry.

01:01:20.000 Huh.

01:01:21.000 Wow.

01:01:22.000 Wow.

01:01:22.000 Who was the thesaurus holder that pulled that fucking bad boy out?

01:01:27.000 Have you heard that word before?

01:01:28.000 No, I don't think so.

01:01:28.000 Never heard that word before.

01:01:29.000 This is them covering up their shit.

01:01:31.000 This is them being so overtly cautious because whatever insurance they've got on fucking whatever is like, you have to give fair warning that we have security for this, this and this.

01:01:40.000 What's amazing is, think about how long it's been going on where they didn't have that.

01:01:46.000 Yeah.

01:01:47.000 I was in Just for Laughs in 93. What was your first year in Just for JFL? 93. 93 was your first year, yeah.

01:01:53.000 93. Yeah.

01:01:55.000 So how the fuck?

01:01:57.000 93. But they're pulling this out now.

01:01:59.000 That's crazy.

01:02:00.000 Yeah, it's been around for forever.

01:02:01.000 But I also love that it said on it that you have to immediately email...

01:02:06.000 Can you imagine?

01:02:07.000 We'll get back to you.

01:02:08.000 You get molested.

01:02:09.000 You got an email.

01:02:10.000 Your pussy still hurts.

01:02:11.000 Someone grabbing it.

01:02:12.000 You fucking assholes.

01:02:14.000 Got an email now?

01:02:15.000 Hold on.

01:02:15.000 You know what?

01:02:15.000 I'm gonna fucking send this in.

01:02:17.000 Yeah.

01:02:18.000 You got an ice...

01:02:18.000 Zero tolerance at...

01:02:20.000 Ha ha ha.

01:02:21.000 Ha ha.

01:02:24.000 Hey, if you get physically abused, the email you have to email is ha-ha-ha.

01:02:28.000 We probably shouldn't put that email online.

01:02:31.000 Too late.

01:02:32.000 Sorry.

01:02:33.000 Listen, don't get us wrong, folks.

01:02:35.000 That's public.

01:02:36.000 Yeah, it's public.

01:02:37.000 Don't get us wrong.

01:02:37.000 But this is really public.

01:02:39.000 Oh, well, you know.

01:02:40.000 You get what you get what you get?

01:02:42.000 Yeah, but I mean, look, we're not pro-harassment.

01:02:47.000 Fuck, no.

01:02:47.000 Don't get us wrong.

01:02:48.000 But this just seems like a little over the top.

01:02:51.000 But see, this in some semblance of irony, this is harassing.

01:02:55.000 It's just like poking the bear at people to be like, these are all the things you can't do.

01:02:59.000 All it's doing is like stirring people to go, I wasn't going to do any of that shit anyway.

01:03:03.000 Why are you fucking...

01:03:03.000 Why are you employing people to walk around in armbands...

01:03:07.000 To make sure I'm not doing a thing that I was never gonna do.

01:03:11.000 Was it an issue?

01:03:12.000 If it was a huge issue, then I'd like to know.

01:03:15.000 Well, drunken comedians can be gross.

01:03:17.000 But drunken people are pieces of shit.

01:03:19.000 Yeah.

01:03:19.000 But you've created a festival where there's drunken animals walking the streets all night long.

01:03:23.000 Right.

01:03:23.000 So, I mean...

01:03:25.000 You need a shirt that says vexatious.

01:03:27.000 Vexatious?

01:03:28.000 Vexatious.

01:03:29.000 Vex me, baby.

01:03:30.000 Vex it up.

01:03:32.000 Going for vex it up and sex it up.

01:03:34.000 Woo!

01:03:34.000 I've been vexing all over time.

01:03:36.000 I'm all vexatious over here.

01:03:38.000 I'm all inappropriate.

01:03:40.000 Stop being vexatious.

01:03:41.000 Inappropriate's a weird word, too.

01:03:43.000 Because by whose definitions?

01:03:45.000 But all that stuff is all subjective.

01:03:46.000 Whose standards of anything?

01:03:48.000 To vex means to annoy or to, like, poke and...

01:03:50.000 Annoyance is such a commonality in our fucking daily lives.

01:03:54.000 Yeah, I'm annoyed by that comment.

01:03:55.000 Yeah, that's vexing.

01:03:57.000 I'm vexed by the vexatious fucking...

01:03:59.000 The sign.

01:03:59.000 Document you've thrown up.

01:04:00.000 The vexatious.

01:04:01.000 But what?

01:04:01.000 Burr saw that all over?

01:04:03.000 I don't know.

01:04:04.000 He sent it to me today.

01:04:05.000 Yeah, I'm sure.

01:04:06.000 I'm sure they posted them all over and they have people walking around trying to protect people.

01:04:09.000 What is that about?

01:04:11.000 It's weird.

01:04:12.000 It's like you need fucked up people to make rock and roll and comedy and rap music.

01:04:19.000 You need it.

01:04:22.000 In this day and age, nobody, you know, everybody wants no one to be fucked up.

01:04:26.000 I think when people, like, reminisce about a time when an amazing artist who was a weirdo, they do that because they didn't realize what also came along with it.

01:04:34.000 You know, like, they're like, fucking, you know, whatever amazing musician.

01:04:41.000 They're like, they were totally fucked up.

01:04:42.000 They did crazy fucked up shit all the time.

01:04:43.000 It's like, they couldn't do that today.

01:04:46.000 Yeah, you imagine Jim Morrison?

01:04:47.000 Fucked.

01:04:48.000 He'd be fucked.

01:04:49.000 He couldn't do any of the things he did.

01:04:51.000 He wouldn't be fucked.

01:04:51.000 I mean, that guy used to pull his dick out on stage.

01:04:54.000 All the time.

01:04:55.000 He'd piss on people.

01:04:57.000 He'd pull out his dick and piss on someone.

01:04:59.000 And people think that, like, today, that'd be the end of times for him.

01:05:03.000 The end.

01:05:03.000 Father, I want to kill you!

01:05:08.000 Passing on people in the front row.

01:05:11.000 But that's the thing.

01:05:13.000 That's the whole irony of this whole performers getting...

01:05:18.000 And bridled.

01:05:18.000 It's so strange.

01:05:19.000 I had a buddy of mine who loved music, who's really into old bands but did not like Jim Morrison.

01:05:25.000 He's like, please, anything but The Doors.

01:05:26.000 Why did he not like The Doors?

01:05:27.000 Because he was a good-looking guy who got tons of pussy.

01:05:30.000 Okay.

01:05:30.000 And it bothered him.

01:05:31.000 I guarantee you.

01:05:32.000 Yeah.

01:05:32.000 That was part of it.

01:05:33.000 I'm like, wait a minute.

01:05:34.000 You don't think that Jim Morrison and The Doors were good music?

01:05:38.000 You don't think that Break On Through to the Other Side is a good song?

01:05:42.000 Yeah, what's the basis?

01:05:44.000 You look me in the face.

01:05:44.000 You look me in the eyes.

01:05:45.000 You tell me.

01:05:46.000 Break on through to the other side is in a fucking amazing song.

01:05:50.000 Yeah.

01:05:50.000 And it was in 1968 or some shit.

01:05:52.000 Yeah.

01:05:53.000 Fuck you, man.

01:05:54.000 And he's like, that's just not good music, man.

01:05:57.000 Yeah, I'm fucking Jim Morris in the doors.

01:05:59.000 You know what?

01:06:00.000 Because he's just slinging dick half out of it.

01:06:03.000 So hot.

01:06:04.000 So hot, so high, so gone.

01:06:05.000 No shirt on.

01:06:06.000 Still making phenomenal fucking music blacked out.

01:06:09.000 No shirt on, like a scarecrow.

01:06:11.000 Getting his dick sucked.

01:06:13.000 Beads everywhere.

01:06:14.000 Crucified, get his cocksucked.

01:06:16.000 Candles.

01:06:17.000 Riders on the storm.

01:06:22.000 Riders on the storm.

01:06:23.000 He made that intro so long so he could finish when he was getting blown.

01:06:26.000 Into this house we're born.

01:06:30.000 To this world we're torn.

01:06:32.000 Come on, man.

01:06:34.000 Break On Through to the Other Side is a fucking amazing song.

01:06:36.000 So good.

01:06:37.000 Yeah, they had so many amazing songs.

01:06:40.000 That era of music had so much good music.

01:06:42.000 I think it was also part of the problem was when Val Kilmer played him.

01:06:45.000 That was a big fucking issue.

01:06:46.000 I mean, yeah, that was a big bummer for me.

01:06:48.000 Val Kilmer was a beautiful man at the time.

01:06:50.000 Yeah.

01:06:51.000 Out of all the beautiful men who are not beautiful men...

01:06:53.000 He fell so far.

01:06:54.000 Woo!

01:06:55.000 What happened, Val?

01:06:56.000 Val just got into cake and heroin.

01:06:59.000 Look, I pull up a picture of him.

01:07:01.000 It makes me sad every time I see him.

01:07:02.000 I'm like, that guy was fucking Batman.

01:07:04.000 He was a Batman.

01:07:06.000 He was one of the best Batmans.

01:07:07.000 He was a Batman, and now you're like, what the fuck?

01:07:10.000 What did he do?

01:07:11.000 Did he just start drinking?

01:07:12.000 Is it booze?

01:07:13.000 I don't quite remember what...

01:07:14.000 Well, remember there was rumors about he had...

01:07:16.000 He was, like, covering up...

01:07:17.000 He was really sick.

01:07:18.000 He had cancer, right?

01:07:19.000 But then he denies it.

01:07:20.000 Doesn't he deny it?

01:07:22.000 I thought he denied it for years.

01:07:23.000 I thought it was like a thing where people were like...

01:07:25.000 That he said he was sick, but it wasn't cancer.

01:07:29.000 That he was like covering it up.

01:07:29.000 Inside Val Kemmerer's two-year bottle with throat cancer.

01:07:32.000 Alright, there you go.

01:07:32.000 And comeback in the Top Gun sequel.

01:07:35.000 Oh.

01:07:35.000 So he got throat cancer.

01:07:36.000 Oh man, he's thin again.

01:07:38.000 Yeah, he's looking better there.

01:07:39.000 Let me see that.

01:07:40.000 Don't scroll up.

01:07:41.000 What?

01:07:42.000 Stop with the flashes, you assholes.

01:07:44.000 Can't even see what he looks like.

01:07:45.000 That's what he used to look like?

01:07:47.000 The actor revealed the news on Reddit during an Ask Me Anything Q&A. Oh, how weird.

01:07:52.000 Reddit's so funny about that shit.

01:07:53.000 One commenter said, a while ago, Michael Douglas claimed you had terminal cancer.

01:07:57.000 What was the story behind that?

01:07:59.000 And he said...

01:08:01.000 Kilmer responded.

01:08:03.000 Okay, we can read that quicker.

01:08:05.000 He was probably trying to help me, because...

01:08:09.000 Oh, what the fuck?!

01:08:11.000 We what-the-fucked folks because the screen got filled with all of these pop-ups for possibly new videos that you want to watch while you're watching a video.

01:08:22.000 I did have a healing of cancer, but my tongue is still swollen, although healing all the time because I don't sound my normal self yet.

01:08:31.000 People think I may still be under the weather.

01:08:35.000 I like how it refers to cancer as under the weather.

01:08:38.000 That's a pretty bold leap.

01:08:40.000 But when he got really fat, I bet that's one of the reasons why he got cancer.

01:08:43.000 I bet he was, like, really unhealthy.

01:08:45.000 Because I think it wasn't just...

01:08:47.000 See, I don't think it was just that he got cancer.

01:08:50.000 I think he also was, like, really fucked up for a while, health-wise, in terms of...

01:08:55.000 He just looked so different.

01:08:57.000 Booze and shit.

01:08:58.000 Yeah.

01:09:00.000 2015, he was rushed to the hospital.

01:09:02.000 Yeah.

01:09:02.000 But this is before that.

01:09:04.000 But see, before 2015. But he looks so strange there.

01:09:07.000 That doesn't look like the same guy.

01:09:09.000 Well, it looks like he's got a bandana.

01:09:11.000 Cover up scars.

01:09:12.000 And it looks like he's got a left...

01:09:13.000 Look at his left eye.

01:09:14.000 Look at that.

01:09:15.000 And that's 2000 what?

01:09:16.000 What does that say?

01:09:17.000 Scroll up.

01:09:18.000 2015. What is his left eye looking at?

01:09:20.000 Is he looking at someone's shoes?

01:09:21.000 Someone's got a nice tit.

01:09:22.000 Someone's got great shoes on.

01:09:24.000 He's looking at one tit.

01:09:26.000 That left tit.

01:09:27.000 Juicy as fuck.

01:09:28.000 I love the...

01:09:29.000 I love just that left titty.

01:09:30.000 Left titty.

01:09:31.000 Juicy.

01:09:32.000 He's running errands in London without his tracheotomy.

01:09:36.000 How do you say that?

01:09:37.000 Tracheotomy?

01:09:37.000 Yeah.

01:09:38.000 Tracheostomy, too?

01:09:39.000 Oh, so he did.

01:09:40.000 He had a hole.

01:09:41.000 Yeah, that's why he's bandannated out.

01:09:42.000 Wow.

01:09:44.000 But see, that's what I mean.

01:09:44.000 When they say rumors, right, I do remember that he had denied it heavily that he had cancer.

01:09:48.000 It was like a whole...

01:09:48.000 2013, oh, Michael Douglas.

01:09:51.000 Stage four.

01:09:52.000 Stage four oral cancer.

01:09:54.000 Woo!

01:09:55.000 Fuck me.

01:09:56.000 Michael Douglas, dude.

01:09:57.000 Goddamn.

01:09:57.000 Now, wasn't that whole thing about him saying that he went down on his wife too much, wasn't that like a big thing that he was like...

01:10:03.000 He said he...

01:10:04.000 There was a rumor that he said...

01:10:07.000 Find out what the story about that is.

01:10:09.000 We probably should clarify.

01:10:10.000 Because I want to know what that was.

01:10:11.000 She got really mad at that, apparently.

01:10:13.000 I mean, yeah, because she's like, I don't got cancer, pussy.

01:10:15.000 Imagine your wife's pussy is so funky.

01:10:18.000 But people do get a lot of cancer from throat cancer from HPV, apparently.

01:10:22.000 Well, that's real shit.

01:10:23.000 Yeah, that's real.

01:10:24.000 It's from licking.

01:10:25.000 Yeah.

01:10:31.000 You've been eating a lot of pussy?

01:10:34.000 Venereal diseases are so weird.

01:10:36.000 Because diseases that specifically come from sex.

01:10:38.000 Michael Douglas, I was sorry for the effect of oral sex cancer comments on my wife.

01:10:44.000 Okay.

01:10:45.000 What did he say though?

01:10:47.000 Insight.

01:10:48.000 Regretted the embarrassment caused to his wife, Catherine Zeta-Jones, by the revelation two years ago that his cancer may have been caused by performing oral sex.

01:10:56.000 He was probably just joking.

01:10:57.000 No.

01:10:58.000 I don't think he was.

01:10:59.000 That his illness was the result of contracting the human papillomavirus, which experts believe can be brought on by cunnilingus.

01:11:08.000 I love that word.

01:11:10.000 The story made headlines around the world when Douglas was promoting his Emmy-winning role in Liberace biopic Behind the Candelabra after being declared free of cancer.

01:11:21.000 By the way, did you ever see that movie?

01:11:22.000 Yeah, dude.

01:11:23.000 Diaz had a fucking bit on that that unfortunately has been lost because Joey Diaz has never really done a special.

01:11:31.000 He did one special a couple years back.

01:11:35.000 To do a special on Joey Diaz, what you really do, you need to have Joey do like five nights in a row and just turn the cameras on every night and just let them go loose and then film it all and then eventually you'll get that Joey Diaz moment.

01:11:47.000 100%.

01:11:48.000 You'll get the experience.

01:11:49.000 But when you say, okay Joey, be yourself now!

01:11:52.000 Get on camera and guys, clap it in!

01:11:54.000 It's just hard for a guy who's that wild and loose to be wild and loose on demand with a bunch of lighting on and they want to put makeup on them and everything becomes artificial and fake.

01:12:05.000 It ruins the vibe of what stand-up is so much.

01:12:07.000 100%.

01:12:07.000 Yeah, it sucks.

01:12:08.000 So unfortunately, Joey, being the wild man that he is, a lot of his greatest bits have never been captured, but he had a Michael Douglas...

01:12:18.000 Doing Liberace bit that was so good.

01:12:21.000 It was so good.

01:12:22.000 Have you ever watched that documentary?

01:12:24.000 I watched it, yeah.

01:12:25.000 Well, not documentary.

01:12:26.000 The movie.

01:12:26.000 Drama.

01:12:27.000 What is it?

01:12:28.000 Biopic?

01:12:29.000 What would you call it?

01:12:30.000 Biopic.

01:12:31.000 Yeah.

01:12:31.000 It's so good, dude.

01:12:33.000 Yeah, it's phenomenal.

01:12:33.000 You realize how crazy Liberace was.

01:12:36.000 He had a pump for his dick.

01:12:38.000 Couldn't get hard anymore, so he had a little...

01:12:42.000 So his dick was just always ready to rock and he's just banging his butt.

01:12:46.000 And his boyfriend was like, what is going on?

01:12:47.000 Like, don't you ever get soft?

01:12:49.000 He's like, no.

01:12:50.000 No, no.

01:12:51.000 I'm playing the piano and I'm just fucking your butt.

01:12:54.000 He's playing the piano with his dick.

01:12:56.000 Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding.

01:12:58.000 And, you know, he would always do this thing where ladies would be like, Liberace.

01:13:02.000 When are you going to find a woman?

01:13:04.000 I'm trying.

01:13:06.000 Soon?

01:13:07.000 I'm trying.

01:13:08.000 Who did he date that was really famous?

01:13:09.000 He dated someone super, super famous.

01:13:12.000 Liberace and who?

01:13:13.000 He dated a really famous actress.

01:13:14.000 There's a great song.

01:13:16.000 Pull up a video for the song, When Liberace Winks at Me.

01:13:22.000 It is...

01:13:23.000 What?

01:13:25.000 Will we get kicked off YouTube for that one?

01:13:27.000 Can we play it?

01:13:29.000 So we can hear it, but the people at home can't.

01:13:33.000 Unfortunately, folks.

01:13:34.000 You can look it up yourself.

01:13:35.000 Well, we can play.

01:13:36.000 Would the people on YouTube not hear it?

01:13:39.000 That's the problem, yeah, it's YouTube.

01:13:40.000 But iTunes would hear it, right?

01:13:42.000 Or RS feeds if you're Android.

01:13:44.000 Do you know there's more Android phones than there are iPhones?

01:13:47.000 Yeah, good.

01:13:48.000 Fucking iPhone shit's so annoying now.

01:13:50.000 It's annoying.

01:13:50.000 I'm getting sick of it.

01:13:51.000 I'm thinking I'd go on Android.

01:13:52.000 Me too, man.

01:13:52.000 I'm tired of the bullshit.

01:13:53.000 Yeah, let's do it.

01:13:54.000 Let's go together.

01:13:55.000 Let's go.

01:13:56.000 Every listener.

01:13:57.000 Switch, switch, switch.

01:13:58.000 Which drives me crazy.

01:13:59.000 Here it is.

01:14:00.000 Listen to this song.

01:14:01.000 It's Peggy King.

01:14:10.000 I found a brand new idol.

01:14:13.000 He's charming as can be.

01:14:15.000 This is a different world.

01:14:17.000 It's a different world back then, man.

01:14:20.000 Look at Liberace.

01:14:22.000 I like sucking dick.

01:14:23.000 I like dick in my mouth.

01:14:25.000 And I like dick in my butt.

01:14:29.000 I start to shake.

01:14:31.000 I start to shiver.

01:14:32.000 And every fiber in my beam begins to quiver.

01:14:35.000 And she's smoking, right?

01:14:37.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:14:37.000 Or is she writing?

01:14:38.000 I don't know.

01:14:38.000 That's a pencil.

01:14:42.000 When Liberace winks at me, watch this.

01:14:44.000 When Liberace winks at me.

01:14:45.000 You hear that clink when he winks?

01:14:46.000 Clink?

01:14:49.000 I'll just tell people to go to it.

01:14:51.000 Go to YouTube and just Google Peggy King when Liberace winks at me.

01:14:56.000 When Liberace winks at me.

01:14:57.000 It's a crazy video.

01:14:58.000 I imagine he would sing that while he was pumping some dude.

01:15:03.000 He'd be singing it to whatever his boyfriend at the time.

01:15:06.000 When Liberace winks at me.

01:15:08.000 Well, he didn't really...

01:15:08.000 He sang, but he was more known for playing the piano.

01:15:12.000 Yeah, but he was a singer, too.

01:15:13.000 Yeah.

01:15:13.000 Yeah, but he was...

01:15:14.000 But that song, he's not singing at all, I don't think.

01:15:16.000 No.

01:15:16.000 He's winking.

01:15:17.000 When Liberace winks at me.

01:15:18.000 He was a huge star.

01:15:20.000 Massive.

01:15:21.000 He was a piano player.

01:15:21.000 He was fucking massive.

01:15:22.000 Can you imagine if you were, like, a kid today, and you're like, I'm gonna get famous playing the piano.

01:15:27.000 They'd be like, fuck you.

01:15:28.000 Get the fuck out of here.

01:15:29.000 Fuck you and fuck Kenny G. He's the last.

01:15:32.000 He's...

01:15:33.000 Kenny G's the last guy to get famous for an instrument.

01:15:36.000 For one solo, one single instrument.

01:15:38.000 That's it.

01:15:38.000 Fuck off.

01:15:39.000 Fuck off.

01:15:40.000 Because now, if you're playing the violin, you've got to also have a hip-hop beat to it or something.

01:15:44.000 They have to do a layer of something.

01:15:46.000 No one does one thing, and then that's it.

01:15:48.000 But it's like, imagine if you're a kid today, and you're like, I'm going to get famous riding the bike like Lance Armstrong.

01:15:53.000 Buck off.

01:15:54.000 No chance.

01:15:54.000 Fuck off.

01:15:55.000 Get out of here.

01:15:55.000 There's no one now.

01:15:57.000 No one.

01:15:58.000 Liberace used Judy Garland and Mae West as beards.

01:16:02.000 Oh, Jesus Christ.

01:16:03.000 These fucking pop-ups today are so annoying.

01:16:05.000 Dude, Mae West.

01:16:06.000 Mae West.

01:16:07.000 As least convincing beards ever.

01:16:09.000 Yeah, right.

01:16:10.000 Wow.

01:16:10.000 If you looked at him, look at him right there.

01:16:13.000 Make that picture bigger.

01:16:14.000 He looks so gay.

01:16:16.000 So gay.

01:16:17.000 I mean, there's just people that look gay.

01:16:20.000 Okay, you know, here's the problem.

01:16:22.000 Those other guys look gay, too.

01:16:24.000 Maybe people just looked gay back then.

01:16:28.000 He's on her left.

01:16:29.000 Yes, that's him.

01:16:30.000 Right there.

01:16:30.000 Yeah, right there.

01:16:31.000 I mean, look at that smile.

01:16:32.000 That's gay.

01:16:32.000 But so's the guy on her right.

01:16:34.000 That guy looks gay as fuck, too.

01:16:36.000 That's probably one of his buddies.

01:16:37.000 Yeah.

01:16:37.000 One of his roommates.

01:16:39.000 Yeah, and Mae West is like, I'm so confused.

01:16:40.000 Nobody wants to fuck me.

01:16:42.000 This is so weird.

01:16:43.000 How come I haven't been piped in weeks?

01:16:45.000 It's so weird.

01:16:45.000 It's three men.

01:16:47.000 Liberace had no trouble getting all the dates he wanted.

01:16:51.000 And he gloried in escorting well-known entertainers to parties, getting his picture taken with Susan Hayward.

01:16:58.000 Gail Storm.

01:16:59.000 Rosemary Clooney.

01:17:00.000 Yeah, Mae West was a mega baby.

01:17:02.000 And Judy Garland.

01:17:03.000 Mae West was the only one of his so-called lady friends that I actually met.

01:17:08.000 As they say in Texas, Mae was a hoot.

01:17:11.000 Who wrote this?

01:17:12.000 She was a drunk.

01:17:14.000 Is this a gay website?

01:17:16.000 Because what's up with that guy in the lower right-hand corner?

01:17:21.000 Oh.

01:17:21.000 The website's called Queerity.

01:17:24.000 That's the name of the website?

01:17:26.000 Jamie, is this on the favorites?

01:17:29.000 Yeah, he's got that shit bookmarked.

01:17:31.000 So look at that That's Michael Douglas playing him.

01:17:34.000 Look how good that is.

01:17:35.000 Dude, he looked exactly like him.

01:17:37.000 Behind the candelabra.

01:17:39.000 Look at that.

01:17:39.000 Scroll down where they go side by side.

01:17:40.000 Look at that one right there.

01:17:41.000 With the red hue.

01:17:43.000 Yeah.

01:17:43.000 Look at that!

01:17:44.000 Well, didn't they put makeup on him and shit and make him look more like Libra?

01:17:47.000 I know, but it still does.

01:17:48.000 Structurally, he still kind of looks...

01:17:49.000 He has the same kind of face.

01:17:50.000 Close enough.

01:17:51.000 Yeah.

01:17:52.000 But I think they did something with his chin.

01:17:54.000 The upper right hand one.

01:17:56.000 The upper left hand.

01:18:00.000 The one with the guy that actually got the work done.

01:18:06.000 Yeah, look.

01:18:06.000 He made him get facial plastic surgery so he resembled Liberace.

01:18:15.000 So his face looked like Liberace.

01:18:18.000 Right, his boyfriend.

01:18:18.000 He wanted him to look like himself.

01:18:20.000 Yeah, he made his boyfriend look like him.

01:18:22.000 How crazy is that?

01:18:25.000 Yeah.

01:18:25.000 Because Liberace had a wig.

01:18:27.000 So in part of the movie, Liberace takes the wig off.

01:18:30.000 Oh, that's right.

01:18:31.000 Rob Lowe.

01:18:32.000 That's right.

01:18:33.000 Rob Lowe was amazing in that movie.

01:18:35.000 That's a great movie.

01:18:36.000 What year is that movie from?

01:18:37.000 2013. I was just going to say, it's not too long ago.

01:18:39.000 Dude, let me tell you something.

01:18:40.000 Joey Diaz had one of the best bits of all time about that movie.

01:18:43.000 I'd like to get Joey Diaz high and make him watch it again.

01:18:47.000 He should re-birth that video.

01:18:51.000 I want to know this bit so fucking bad.

01:18:53.000 I'm going to have to beg him to do it, but he won't do it.

01:18:55.000 He's such a good...

01:18:56.000 I don't do that shit anymore, cocksucker.

01:18:58.000 The problem is he would have to want to do it.

01:19:01.000 You really couldn't talk him into doing it.

01:19:03.000 And he would also have to be enthusiastic about it again.

01:19:07.000 He'd have to want to tell the joke.

01:19:10.000 Yeah, well, it was a whole bit.

01:19:11.000 So the story was he was watching the docudrama.

01:19:16.000 You Can't Eat Pussy with Asthma?

01:19:18.000 Behind the Candelabra by Joey Dews.

01:19:20.000 Is this it?

01:19:20.000 I don't know.

01:19:21.000 It's a 10-minute rant about it.

01:19:22.000 Play it.

01:19:23.000 It came from his podcast.

01:19:24.000 Jesus, play this.

01:19:25.000 I didn't even know this existed.

01:19:26.000 Look at that.

01:19:26.000 That should be a shirt.

01:19:28.000 You know, what was the last good movie you've seen?

01:19:30.000 Last good movie I've seen in the last 20 years with Man on Fire.

01:19:32.000 That's it.

01:19:33.000 When he comes back, that's why I don't go to Mexico.

01:19:36.000 If you don't know, then...

01:19:38.000 If you don't know what I'm talking about, watch fucking Man on Fire.

01:19:45.000 Play this.

01:19:45.000 Who did this?

01:19:49.000 There's a movie on HBO called Behind the Candelabra.

01:19:52.000 Behind the Candelabra is a Liberace story.

01:19:55.000 Some of you guys are very young.

01:19:56.000 You don't remember Liberace.

01:19:57.000 There's a lot of people that are long in the tooth.

01:19:59.000 You know who the fuck Liberace is.

01:20:02.000 Liberace was a piano player from the 60s and 70s that was very popular.

01:20:06.000 He was flaming gay and he had a fucking wig.

01:20:10.000 But he pulled a Michael Jackson.

01:20:12.000 He told people he was engaged.

01:20:13.000 So nobody really believed that he was gay.

01:20:15.000 I don't give a fuck either way if you're gay or not.

01:20:17.000 It makes no difference to me.

01:20:19.000 He was a good piano player.

01:20:20.000 They did this movie about him.

01:20:21.000 And the funny thing about this movie is that he was played by Gecko.

01:20:24.000 Michael Douglas played Liberace.

01:20:26.000 So it came on one day and I'm like, fuck it, let's watch this thing, right?

01:20:30.000 So, I'm watching this Liberace dude, and he's playing the piano and shit and whatnot.

01:20:35.000 When you watch the movie, you're like, look at this fucking old guy.

01:20:37.000 He's got game.

01:20:38.000 Old guy's got game.

01:20:41.000 Okay?

01:20:41.000 A lot of people don't realize.

01:20:42.000 It's like the Dos Equis fucking guy.

01:20:48.000 You never see him hanging out with Betty White and a bunch of old hags, do you?

01:20:52.000 No, he's hanging out with 19-year-old chicks at the bar.

01:20:55.000 And there's always like two of them, but there's always a third one that comes.

01:20:58.000 And she's like, why are you hanging out with this creepy guy?

01:21:00.000 He's old.

01:21:01.000 And the little girl's like, he's not creepy.

01:21:03.000 He's just lonely.

01:21:04.000 His wife died.

01:21:04.000 He just wants conversation.

01:21:06.000 He doesn't want none from us.

01:21:07.000 He's like your grandpa.

01:21:09.000 And all of a sudden, there's that one girl that goes...

01:21:16.000 Grandpa?

01:21:17.000 Keep fucking around with these old guys.

01:21:18.000 You will suck one of their fucking dicks.

01:21:21.000 Because they're patient.

01:21:23.000 They're very fucking patient.

01:21:25.000 And they're not like young guys go right for your little vagina.

01:21:28.000 An old guy throws you in a web.

01:21:35.000 And they play you like they fucking call on you.

01:21:38.000 You ladies have been taken by an old guy at one point in your fucking life.

01:21:42.000 They rock your world.

01:21:43.000 And they'll fuck your brains out.

01:21:44.000 You catch them with some good blood transfusion or they've been eating that shit.

01:21:49.000 I had a friend who was a stripper that said she went home with a 50-year-old guy one night.

01:21:52.000 She didn't walk for three fucking days.

01:21:55.000 Again, that's not me.

01:21:56.000 I come in a minute and a half.

01:21:57.000 It's not me at all.

01:21:58.000 I'm just talking about that there's guys out there that will rock your fucking world.

01:22:02.000 And Liberace was probably one of them.

01:22:04.000 Now, the guy that fell in love with him was played by Matt Damon.

01:22:10.000 Okay?

01:22:12.000 Now, I love Matt Damon.

01:22:13.000 I'm watching this and I'm like, this is going to be fucked up.

01:22:15.000 Matt Damon plays a confused kid that he's bisexual.

01:22:19.000 And one night he goes to see Liberace play the fucking piano.

01:22:22.000 And he gets impressed by Liberace.

01:22:25.000 He goes, oh my God, look at the way he's moving his hands like that.

01:22:28.000 And afterward, he sneaks into VIP. And he sneaks in with his little blonde hair.

01:22:32.000 He looks beautiful, Matt Damon.

01:22:34.000 He's all yoked up and shit.

01:22:37.000 And Liberace's got his robe on with his sandals, and he looks and he sees Matt Damon, and you can see he loses his fucking mind.

01:22:45.000 He's just looking at him with that gay look to him, like, I'm gonna fucking kill this pork chop when I get my hand on him.

01:22:53.000 And Matt Damon sees this.

01:22:55.000 Andrew Santino's a dick.

01:22:56.000 He's looking at him, so he walks over to him, he goes, oh my god, Liberace, my mom's a big fan.

01:22:59.000 We started playing something, he started texting people, he's taking selfies, he's checking Twitter.

01:23:04.000 I'm pushing the show!

01:23:05.000 Oh, yeah, thank you.

01:23:10.000 Go listen to the bit, folks.

01:23:12.000 It's a great bit.

01:23:13.000 The problem with playing a bit, everybody stops, and then you pull your phone out.

01:23:17.000 Well, I was checking to see about the show.

01:23:19.000 Part of it was on YouTube either, right there.

01:23:20.000 I forgot to put it back up.

01:23:21.000 Oh, that was on YouTube either?

01:23:22.000 Half of it was.

01:23:24.000 Oh, well, that's a problem.

01:23:25.000 Yeah, I'll fix it.

01:23:25.000 People were just like, the fuck are you listening to?

01:23:29.000 You're just standing there staring.

01:23:30.000 We're watching Santino play with his phone.

01:23:33.000 You're one of those no cases on your phone guys.

01:23:35.000 Nah, fuck that.

01:23:36.000 What's the difference?

01:23:36.000 It's a risk-taking move.

01:23:38.000 But what's gonna happen, though?

01:23:39.000 It's gonna break.

01:23:40.000 But then I get a new one.

01:23:41.000 Wow, you're so first world.

01:23:43.000 No, no, but the AppleCare shit, it's 90 bucks and you get a new one.

01:23:47.000 But do you want it to get a new one?

01:23:48.000 Don't you want to just protect your phone so you don't have to go to the fucking Apple store when you drop your phone?

01:23:52.000 Here's my argument.

01:23:53.000 You have an argument for that?

01:23:54.000 Yeah, because everyone says it's why.

01:23:55.000 Look.

01:23:56.000 Okay.

01:23:57.000 This is why I like the phone.

01:23:58.000 The sleekness, the design, the feel is beautiful.

01:24:01.000 Then we put cases on them and fuck them up.

01:24:02.000 They brag about how thin and wonderful they are.

01:24:04.000 Then you shove a fucking case on it.

01:24:06.000 It loses all the beauty and the architecture of why I like the phone.

01:24:09.000 Steve Jobs was in love with the idea of, like, the design of the phone.

01:24:12.000 And that's what Apple's whole stance used to be.

01:24:14.000 Sleekness, design, thin, like, everything about it was how sexy it was.

01:24:19.000 And then we're like, yeah, put a fucking case on it so it never breaks.

01:24:21.000 Still sexy with this case on it.

01:24:22.000 Nah.

01:24:23.000 No.

01:24:24.000 Chunky.

01:24:24.000 This sounds classist, but, like, I have enough money.

01:24:27.000 You, obviously, way more than me, but, like, you can afford to break it, so I just don't care.

01:24:31.000 If I... Most Americans that, like, breaking a phone is a big deal, I get it.

01:24:35.000 I can afford to buy a new phone.

01:24:37.000 I don't care.

01:24:37.000 Wow.

01:24:38.000 I know.

01:24:39.000 You're so first world.

01:24:40.000 Yeah, but that's fucking honest.

01:24:42.000 That's like saying, you know.

01:24:43.000 I get it, dude.

01:24:44.000 Some people treat shit.

01:24:45.000 Some people treat shit like that.

01:24:47.000 Also, everyone will go knock on wood.

01:24:50.000 I've never broken a phone.

01:24:52.000 I've never had a case.

01:24:53.000 What?

01:24:54.000 This is my fifth iPhone.

01:24:55.000 Come on.

01:24:56.000 You've never broken a phone?

01:24:57.000 I swear on my fucking mother's life.

01:24:59.000 I've never shattered a phone in my life.

01:25:01.000 Never once.

01:25:01.000 I've never had a case.

01:25:02.000 You ever shake your pants?

01:25:03.000 Twice!

01:25:04.000 Ever?

01:25:05.000 Once in Japan, once here.

01:25:06.000 Ever.

01:25:07.000 I shit my pants.

01:25:08.000 Ever.

01:25:09.000 Once in Japan, once here.

01:25:10.000 Here, not here, here.

01:25:12.000 Right here in the studio.

01:25:13.000 I'm shitting my pants.

01:25:15.000 I shit my pants in Japan.

01:25:16.000 That's a real fucking story.

01:25:18.000 Yeah, what happened?

01:25:20.000 We went out the night before.

01:25:21.000 I had the most fun I've ever had in my entire life.

01:25:23.000 And my stomach was not having a good time with whatever we ate for breakfast.

01:25:26.000 And I was walking the street.

01:25:27.000 We were going to like a temple.

01:25:29.000 And I just had a little fart came out.

01:25:33.000 And I stopped and I thought, no, no way.

01:25:36.000 No way.

01:25:37.000 Really?

01:25:37.000 I couldn't comprehend that actually it happened.

01:25:41.000 I had to go to like a little 7-Eleven type place and in this little tiny room, take off my pants, take off my shit underwear, leave it in the fucking bathroom and then go wrong.

01:25:51.000 Leaving shit underwear in a bathroom is a Rude move.

01:25:54.000 I know.

01:25:55.000 I know.

01:25:56.000 Because those people have to go in there and smell that shit underwear.

01:25:58.000 I disposed it in the trash can and I covered up as much as I could.

01:26:01.000 You're not coming up to smell.

01:26:03.000 No.

01:26:03.000 So I took a shit in the trash can.

01:26:04.000 I know.

01:26:06.000 Why don't you throw it in the garbage can outside?

01:26:09.000 Carried out.

01:26:10.000 Carried out?

01:26:10.000 With my poop?

01:26:11.000 With my shit underwear?

01:26:12.000 Yeah.

01:26:13.000 No?

01:26:14.000 Just going like this?

01:26:14.000 Nah.

01:26:16.000 No.

01:26:17.000 I had to throw it right in the trash can and disappear.

01:26:20.000 That's kind of like...

01:26:21.000 Yeah, but that's not...

01:26:22.000 Okay.

01:26:23.000 This isn't that uncommon.

01:26:24.000 Like, in a lot of places around the world, you can't throw toilet paper in the toilet.

01:26:29.000 You have to put it in the trash can.

01:26:31.000 What?

01:26:31.000 Yeah, fuck yeah.

01:26:32.000 Yeah, you know.

01:26:33.000 Go to Central and South America.

01:26:35.000 You can't...

01:26:36.000 They say, please, no toilet paper.

01:26:37.000 What?

01:26:38.000 People shit in the toilet.

01:26:40.000 And then they throw their ass swipes in the trash.

01:26:42.000 Jamie, say I'm right.

01:26:43.000 I'm not playing.

01:26:45.000 You've never been to a country like that?

01:26:47.000 Maybe I didn't read their sign.

01:26:49.000 Because the pipes are old, they can't handle all that paper.

01:26:52.000 Fix your pipes, you fucking cave people.

01:26:54.000 You fucking cave fucks!

01:26:57.000 Get PVC, you cheap fuck.

01:26:59.000 Dude, in Thailand, every bathroom that I went to, right next to the toilet has a goddamn garden hose like you would use to wash your car with.

01:27:07.000 Spray out your ass?

01:27:08.000 Yeah, like nothing, like not a gentle bidet.

01:27:11.000 Like we have those toilets, those, what are they?

01:27:13.000 Bondels?

01:27:14.000 Is that what it's called?

01:27:14.000 Those are so dope.

01:27:15.000 Yeah, they're amazing.

01:27:16.000 Yeah.

01:27:17.000 The seat's warm when you sit down.

01:27:18.000 Ah, you press the button.

01:27:20.000 A gentle, warm jet of air hits your butthole, and you're like, oooh!

01:27:25.000 That's so nice, yeah.

01:27:28.000 This wasn't like that at all.

01:27:29.000 This was a goddamn, like you'd clean an elephant with this.

01:27:31.000 Like a green hose, a garden hose?

01:27:33.000 A garden hose, like one of those guns.

01:27:34.000 You know, you have a lot of pressure on it, like...

01:27:37.000 You know what that was?

01:27:38.000 The handle?

01:27:38.000 That's what it was.

01:27:40.000 You can't flush the toilet paper down the loo in these European countries.

01:27:44.000 There you go, my friend.

01:27:45.000 Look at all these different ones.

01:27:46.000 Bulgaria, Ukraine, Turkey, Greece, Macedonia.

01:27:50.000 You can't flush toilet paper.

01:27:52.000 You can.

01:27:53.000 It'll fucking break a pipe, though.

01:27:55.000 What kind of thin-walled pipes do they have over there that toilet paper's breaking in?

01:28:00.000 That doesn't make any sense.

01:28:01.000 It's the mass amount.

01:28:02.000 It clogs up the pipes.

01:28:05.000 Too many people shitting.

01:28:06.000 Too many people shitting at once.

01:28:07.000 That just seems so crazy, like what if you have a lot of fiber in your poo?

01:28:10.000 Like, what if you're eating a lot of broccoli and you have, like, elephant-type poo?

01:28:15.000 Rock shit?

01:28:16.000 Another thing in Thailand, they sell poo paper.

01:28:19.000 They sell paper that they make out of elephant shit.

01:28:21.000 Yeah.

01:28:22.000 Because elephant shit is all fiber.

01:28:24.000 So what they do is they take that elephant shit, they wash out the fecal bacteria, and they use the actual plant fibrous material.

01:28:32.000 They turn that into toilet paper, and it's a novelty.

01:28:35.000 You wipe your ass with elephant shit.

01:28:38.000 So you wipe your shit with shit.

01:28:39.000 You're wiping more shit.

01:28:40.000 Yeah.

01:28:41.000 How does it?

01:28:41.000 It can't smell good.

01:28:42.000 Even if they've defucked it.

01:28:43.000 I didn't bother smelling it, bro.

01:28:45.000 What is this?

01:28:45.000 It says, smell me.

01:28:46.000 It says, smell me.

01:28:46.000 Poop paper.

01:28:47.000 Yeah, that's it.

01:28:48.000 Elephant poo paper.

01:28:49.000 Poop paper.

01:28:50.000 Look at that.

01:28:51.000 The poop poop paper.

01:28:52.000 Yeah, so they take it and they break it down.

01:28:54.000 Building a future in which humans live in harmony with nature.

01:28:57.000 Okay.

01:28:58.000 And they sell this stuff and you wipe your butt with it.

01:29:03.000 Pooh sold here.

01:29:05.000 Funny, I get all of it.

01:29:06.000 Ha ha ha ha ha.

01:29:11.000 It's like when someone has a clever family reunion shirt.

01:29:13.000 It's just like, okay, I get it.

01:29:15.000 You know who I'm sick and fucking tired of?

01:29:17.000 Who?

01:29:18.000 By the way, people that make shitty slide jokes that think they're funny.

01:29:20.000 Who?

01:29:21.000 Flight attendants now that are trying to make funny little jokes.

01:29:25.000 That's like a culture now.

01:29:26.000 Do you know what I'm talking about?

01:29:27.000 Well, Southwest started it.

01:29:28.000 Yeah, but a lot of other airlines are doing it because they think it's cute.

01:29:31.000 Like Southwest does it all the time because they're trash.

01:29:33.000 They don't give a fuck.

01:29:35.000 Fucking trash cans in the sky.

01:29:36.000 But no, seriously, I was on maybe Delta, but they make little cute jokes.

01:29:41.000 Like, if you don't know what we have to drink, maybe you've never flown before because it's been the same thing for 20 years.

01:29:47.000 And then a few people are like, you know, a few idiots on the plane.

01:29:51.000 Don't make jokes.

01:29:52.000 This isn't the time.

01:29:53.000 Just tell me the bullshit and go sit the fuck down and shut up.

01:29:56.000 I don't like the jokes.

01:29:57.000 This is coming from a guy who makes jokes for a living.

01:30:00.000 Yeah, for money.

01:30:00.000 That's not their job.

01:30:01.000 Their job is to make sure I get my fucking Sprite and my peanuts.

01:30:05.000 Get their little rush.

01:30:06.000 Fuck them, Joe.

01:30:06.000 I don't like them.

01:30:07.000 I don't like them.

01:30:08.000 Do you remember the first thing that you ever did in front of a group of people that got a laugh?

01:30:13.000 Like a little inappropriate laugh?

01:30:15.000 Yeah, my buddy's sleepover type of shit.

01:30:16.000 Yeah, a little thrill that you get with that inappropriate laugh.

01:30:19.000 Yeah, but it's not my job.

01:30:20.000 Their job is to be the flight attendant.

01:30:22.000 I don't need the joke from the flight attendant.

01:30:23.000 Oh, you're so rude.

01:30:24.000 Fuck them.

01:30:25.000 You're so mean.

01:30:25.000 They're fucking mean.

01:30:26.000 You know they're mean.

01:30:27.000 They're fucking mean.

01:30:28.000 Most of them are assholes.

01:30:30.000 One lady told me that I had to put my fanny pack in the overhead compartment.

01:30:34.000 Fuck you, lady.

01:30:34.000 I had to take it off and I had to use it as a bag.

01:30:36.000 I had to store it as a bag.

01:30:37.000 I'm like, why?

01:30:39.000 I go, what if I take everything out of the bag and put it in my pockets?

01:30:42.000 You could do.

01:30:43.000 And then she couldn't say shit.

01:30:44.000 She's like, sir, just take the bag off.

01:30:45.000 I'm like, this is a power move.

01:30:47.000 No one's ever told me that before.

01:30:48.000 One lady told me to take the fanny pack off.

01:30:50.000 I think she was just anti-fanny pack.

01:30:52.000 But you know this, and Americans that have experienced it know, when you fly in business or first, they treat you like a fucking king.

01:30:59.000 And when you fly in the butt of the plane, they don't give a fuck about you.

01:31:02.000 It's true.

01:31:03.000 But this was in first class.

01:31:04.000 Yeah, but she was doing that because she's fed up with whatever her day was.

01:31:08.000 But most time, they let you get away with anything.

01:31:10.000 I think she was just chubby and she wasn't getting any dick.

01:31:12.000 See?

01:31:13.000 See?

01:31:14.000 That's how I felt at the time.

01:31:16.000 See, fanny pack, she thought you had snacks in it.

01:31:17.000 Can I just ask you a question?

01:31:19.000 Are you chubby and do you not get any dick?

01:31:21.000 Is that why you're doing this?

01:31:22.000 Can you imagine if you said that?

01:31:24.000 I just need to know, before I put my fanny pack away, just because of a lack of dick.

01:31:27.000 It would be great if she goes, you know what?

01:31:29.000 Yeah.

01:31:29.000 Yes.

01:31:30.000 And then just walked away.

01:31:31.000 You want to give me some dick, you can wear the fanny pack.

01:31:33.000 You fucked me with just the fanny pack on.

01:31:35.000 I reach back.

01:31:35.000 Click.

01:31:36.000 Taking it off.

01:31:38.000 Overhead compartment it is.

01:31:40.000 I'll be right back.

01:31:41.000 When Liberace winks at me.

01:31:45.000 I can't wait till everyone at home has that stuck in their fucking head.

01:31:47.000 It's gonna.

01:31:48.000 I start to shake.

01:31:49.000 I start to shiver.

01:31:54.000 The things that people thought were entertaining in like the 50s, it's so strange when you go back now.

01:32:00.000 Watch that stuff that that was like That was almost like sultry to back then you know that she's like with her pen like this innocent girl Writing note what the fuck was she even writing down and then she's she's going, you know Oh just when the piano man winks at me like that's the naughtiest shit of the day if I had a time machine what I would love to do is Take like all these old folks that are like in in the audience watching that weren't even old folks at the time,

01:32:24.000 right and Young people like in their 30s.

01:32:27.000 They thought that was wonderful and put on like a modern-day mumble rapper We're like 20 people on stage with them, puffing blunts, you know?

01:32:40.000 Drinking fucking lean and shit.

01:32:41.000 Trap music.

01:32:41.000 Trap music, yeah.

01:32:43.000 Give it a hobbit of booze.

01:32:46.000 These people are just like...

01:32:47.000 Like the kid with the hair, the rainbow hair kid.

01:32:52.000 What's his fucking name?

01:32:53.000 Is he a mumble rapper?

01:32:54.000 The guy who got beat up in New York?

01:32:55.000 He got pistol whipped, right?

01:32:58.000 Allegedly.

01:32:59.000 You never know with a guy like that, how much he made it up himself.

01:33:01.000 I was just gonna say, that's a great promo.

01:33:03.000 Yeah, he might have punched himself in the head.

01:33:04.000 Because I saw a photo online, it didn't look like he got...

01:33:07.000 Why can't I think his name?

01:33:08.000 A friend of mine was breaking up with her husband at the time, and they were screaming and yelling at each other, and dude starts clawing at himself.

01:33:15.000 Start clawing at himself, and saying that she was attacking him, ripped his clothes, called the police.

01:33:21.000 A guy did it.

01:33:24.000 So, listen, it's not outside the realm of possibility that the mumble rapper took that fucking...

01:33:31.000 Donked himself in the head.

01:33:32.000 Told his security to call the ambulance right away.

01:33:35.000 In this day and age, people are just doing anything to get attention.

01:33:38.000 To stay relevant.

01:33:39.000 To stay relevant, to get attention.

01:33:41.000 They'll do anything.

01:33:42.000 Well, that's what Instagram has become.

01:33:44.000 That's what the internet has become.

01:33:45.000 It's just become the way to be like, how relevant?

01:33:47.000 It's not necessarily what it's become, but it's certainly a venue for people that don't have any other options.

01:33:53.000 It's big.

01:33:53.000 It works.

01:33:53.000 A lot of people make actual careers just on Instagram.

01:33:56.000 But there's people that, like Kendrick Lamar's not doing that.

01:34:00.000 Yeah, he's fu- Yeah, but- But you know what I'm saying?

01:34:01.000 Yeah, he doesn't need that shit.

01:34:02.000 But he doesn't need that shit.

01:34:03.000 But some people who do need that shit, then they're tattooing their face and mumble rapping and pistol whipping themselves.

01:34:09.000 The face tattoo blows my mind.

01:34:11.000 Do you know that Travis Barker just got a new one?

01:34:13.000 He's got a face tattoo that says blessed.

01:34:15.000 Where?

01:34:15.000 On his cheek.

01:34:17.000 What are you doing, bro?

01:34:19.000 He's covered, man.

01:34:20.000 He's got no more room.

01:34:21.000 I see.

01:34:21.000 And yeah, he's had his whole neck.

01:34:22.000 I know all of his neck is done.

01:34:24.000 Everything's done.

01:34:25.000 His head's done.

01:34:26.000 But he stopped at one point, right?

01:34:27.000 He never did his face.

01:34:29.000 No, no, no.

01:34:29.000 He's doing his face now.

01:34:31.000 Oh, shit.

01:34:32.000 It's on his Instagram.

01:34:34.000 It says blessed right below his cheeks.

01:34:36.000 No.

01:34:36.000 Who's the guy who wrote always tired?

01:34:38.000 Post Malone.

01:34:39.000 Post Malone, yeah.

01:34:40.000 Above his eyebrow, right?

01:34:41.000 Isn't that on his...

01:34:42.000 Below his eyebrow.

01:34:43.000 Below his eyebrow.

01:34:44.000 Somebody had a great meme of Post Malone in high school, his high school yearbook photo, and they wrote pre-Malone.

01:34:48.000 I thought that was hilarious.

01:34:51.000 I thought that was so funny.

01:34:54.000 Yeah, the face tattoo thing, it's a bummer because there's no thought.

01:34:57.000 There it is.

01:34:58.000 Look.

01:34:59.000 Oh, shit, dude.

01:35:00.000 What the fuck are you doing, bro?

01:35:02.000 He's blessed, bro.

01:35:03.000 Blessed what?

01:35:05.000 Well, his whole head.

01:35:06.000 The entire head.

01:35:08.000 Right, but if you grew out his hair, you wouldn't see it, right?

01:35:10.000 That's the thing.

01:35:11.000 Yeah.

01:35:12.000 But that is fucking...

01:35:13.000 Come on.

01:35:15.000 The head, the full head tattoo is a trippy one, man.

01:35:18.000 The top of your head...

01:35:19.000 Could you ever get one on your head?

01:35:22.000 I'm sure...

01:35:22.000 My whole arms are done.

01:35:23.000 I'm sure if I was on the right drugs...

01:35:24.000 No, but I mean, would you ever want to?

01:35:26.000 No.

01:35:26.000 Never.

01:35:27.000 I don't think so.

01:35:28.000 Maybe.

01:35:29.000 Maybe the back of my head, a big eagle.

01:35:32.000 That's him when he was young.

01:35:33.000 Look at that.

01:35:33.000 Is that him?

01:35:34.000 No tattoos, yeah.

01:35:35.000 It's nothing.

01:35:35.000 Come on.

01:35:36.000 Really?

01:35:37.000 Really young.

01:35:38.000 Wow.

01:35:39.000 Oh, wow.

01:35:39.000 Is that a cigar or a blunt?

01:35:41.000 I think it's gotta be a fucking cigar, yeah.

01:35:43.000 It's still got the wrap on it.

01:35:44.000 All he's got is that nose, that bowl thing.

01:35:47.000 Septum.

01:35:47.000 I don't like that one.

01:35:49.000 On chicks, it's kind of sexy.

01:35:51.000 It's gross!

01:35:51.000 Some chicks have it, it's sexy.

01:35:53.000 I like the nostril one.

01:35:53.000 The chicks with the nostril one, I think it's sexy.

01:35:55.000 Out here?

01:35:55.000 You don't like the septum?

01:35:56.000 This is why it's weird, no.

01:35:57.000 I think septum can be cool.

01:35:59.000 Listen, the one thing that's cool about it is a girl with a septum tattoo will definitely suck your dick.

01:36:05.000 She's not scared of controversy.

01:36:09.000 What's that one?

01:36:10.000 What's that video?

01:36:11.000 Oh, see there.

01:36:11.000 Go there to that video with him where you see his shirt's off.

01:36:13.000 It's all the way up his neck and his face and shit.

01:36:15.000 Yeah.

01:36:16.000 Yeah, he's tatted the fuck out.

01:36:18.000 I mean, his whole body.

01:36:19.000 He's completely covered front and back.

01:36:22.000 Jesus.

01:36:22.000 That's a strange thing, man, when people do that.

01:36:25.000 Coming from a guy with two sleeves.

01:36:28.000 Yeah, but what do you think the movement is to get another one at this point?

01:36:32.000 Because you have a lot.

01:36:33.000 Do you want to get more?

01:36:34.000 I'd like to finish my right sleeve.

01:36:37.000 Yeah, but I'm saying branching away from the sleeves.

01:36:39.000 Is it now the next thing you'd be like, you know, I'll fuck with my neck now.

01:36:42.000 I don't know, man.

01:36:43.000 Maybe a leg.

01:36:43.000 Maybe a calf.

01:36:45.000 Get a calf done.

01:36:46.000 Yeah.

01:36:47.000 I have zero.

01:36:48.000 How come?

01:36:49.000 I don't know.

01:36:50.000 I think we've talked about this before.

01:36:51.000 How about you get across your stomach, like gangland style?

01:36:54.000 Ginger's rule.

01:36:55.000 Bro.

01:36:56.000 Ginger's rule.

01:36:57.000 Yeah.

01:36:58.000 Ginge.

01:36:59.000 Yeah.

01:36:59.000 I'll write the ginge on my chest.

01:37:01.000 How about suck my carrot?

01:37:03.000 Yeah.

01:37:06.000 Fuckin' shell.

01:37:08.000 Eat my carrot right above my dick.

01:37:11.000 Get your vitamin K right here.

01:37:13.000 What if I did a bunny rabbit right next to my cock?

01:37:17.000 Nice.

01:37:18.000 Do you know this article came out about redheads?

01:37:19.000 We produce our own vitamin D? You have to.

01:37:22.000 At like twice the rate of a normal human being.

01:37:24.000 That's why you're so white.

01:37:26.000 Thanks.

01:37:27.000 I'm not that white for a redhead.

01:37:28.000 I'm not that bad.

01:37:29.000 He's fuckin' more pale than I am.

01:37:30.000 Whoa, you guys are gettin' angry.

01:37:32.000 He is.

01:37:33.000 That's the thing.

01:37:34.000 I'm very Irish.

01:37:35.000 That's the whole reason why people got white in the first place.

01:37:38.000 But redhead specifically produces more than any other...

01:37:41.000 We produce twice as much vitamin D as anybody else on the planet.

01:37:44.000 Wow.

01:37:44.000 Yeah.

01:37:45.000 I wonder if there's a correlation between redheads being happy.

01:37:47.000 Because vitamin D is one of the things that fucks people up, like in Seattle.

01:37:51.000 It does?

01:37:52.000 Yeah.

01:37:52.000 Yeah, it does.

01:37:52.000 That's why they tell people to get those...

01:37:54.000 Do you think most redheads are happy then?

01:37:55.000 Do you think there's a correlation between...

01:37:57.000 I don't know.

01:37:58.000 A lot of funny...

01:37:58.000 I mean, Burr, you, Louie.

01:38:00.000 Three really funny redheads.

01:38:02.000 Yeah, but I would say this, though.

01:38:03.000 The majority of American redheads are different than European redheads.

01:38:07.000 Because they grew up in dreary shit.

01:38:09.000 Right, right.

01:38:09.000 So their conditions are different.

01:38:10.000 Well, you have sun.

01:38:12.000 You live in California.

01:38:13.000 Every day.

01:38:13.000 So you probably have massive amounts of vitamin D. Probably too much.

01:38:16.000 Like, if someone checked you out, they'd be like, this guy's dying of vitamin D. He's overdosing on vitamin D. He's ODing on D. You hear Santino died of vitamin D, man.

01:38:23.000 It's fucking terrible.

01:38:25.000 That is a weird thing that we have a vitamin that we get from the star.

01:38:28.000 Yeah, that's fucking wild.

01:38:30.000 There's a star that gives us a vitamin.

01:38:31.000 Yeah.

01:38:32.000 I mean, we make it ourselves, but we get it from exposure to a star.

01:38:37.000 You've read about these people that just, like, eat sunlight for breakfast.

01:38:41.000 You know this shit?

01:38:42.000 Yeah.

01:38:43.000 You've never heard of this shit?

01:38:44.000 Come on, Joe.

01:38:45.000 This is real.

01:38:46.000 He knows.

01:38:46.000 That's not mean, though.

01:38:47.000 They eat sunlight for breakfast.

01:38:49.000 They say that they get enough supplemental nutrition from taking in the sun from certain hours of the day.

01:38:55.000 That's real.

01:38:56.000 I swear to God, they live by it.

01:38:57.000 When I was doing that sci-fi show, Joe Rogan questions everything.

01:39:01.000 One of the things we did, we went to this guy who was...

01:39:04.000 He had some cockamamie device that he was claiming did something that it really didn't do.

01:39:09.000 But when we went over to the guy's house, one of the things he shows me, this picture on the wall, some Indian guy from India with like his face is covered in white makeup.

01:39:17.000 And I go, what is this guy's deal?

01:39:19.000 And he goes like, oh, that's Shriek Bali Gaga.

01:39:22.000 You know, he hasn't eaten any food or drinking any water in 10 years.

01:39:27.000 Impossible.

01:39:28.000 Yeah.

01:39:29.000 Literally impossible.

01:39:29.000 That's what I said to him.

01:39:30.000 I go, that's not true.

01:39:32.000 What is this?

01:39:32.000 It's a documentary called Eat the Sun.

01:39:34.000 Eat the Sun.

01:39:35.000 See?

01:39:35.000 We found this bullshit.

01:39:37.000 Eat the Sun.

01:39:37.000 He weighs a puny 135 pounds.

01:39:40.000 What does that say?

01:39:40.000 But he could lift weights?

01:39:42.000 What is it?

01:39:42.000 I'll go back, sorry.

01:39:44.000 But he can hoist 965. No, he can't.

01:39:51.000 No, he can't.

01:39:52.000 No, he can't.

01:39:54.000 Look at him with his socks.

01:39:55.000 Look at those old school gym socks.

01:39:57.000 Old school gym socks are coming back.

01:39:59.000 They're kind of tight.

01:40:00.000 They're hot on girls.

01:40:01.000 They're hot.

01:40:02.000 A girl with old school gym shorts and old school gym socks that go up to the knee.

01:40:06.000 Why is that sexy?

01:40:07.000 Because it's reminiscent of sexy youth.

01:40:11.000 There's something youthful about it.

01:40:13.000 The 1980s teen summer movie.

01:40:15.000 Yeah.

01:40:15.000 There's something about it.

01:40:16.000 It's like the hot chick with long socks and a short skirt.

01:40:18.000 Socks with stripes, right?

01:40:20.000 Yeah, the stripes.

01:40:20.000 Red, white, and blue stripes.

01:40:21.000 Red up at the top.

01:40:22.000 Yeah, that's hot.

01:40:23.000 Chunky shoes, big chunky white shoes underneath.

01:40:26.000 Yeah, what's with the stripes at the top of the sock?

01:40:28.000 Like the socks are good, but you know what'll make it all perfect?

01:40:31.000 Fucking stripes.

01:40:31.000 You need some color.

01:40:32.000 You know that was an accident in threading and they just were like, leave it.

01:40:34.000 Yeah, that's hot.

01:40:36.000 That's hot as fuck.

01:40:36.000 So fucking hot.

01:40:37.000 Look at that girl.

01:40:38.000 Woo!

01:40:39.000 The Diary of Jane.

01:40:41.000 Yeah.

01:40:41.000 Keep your socks on, baby.

01:40:43.000 Really?

01:40:43.000 Yeah.

01:40:44.000 Yeah, your feet are fucking garbage.

01:40:47.000 Yeah, cover those fucking hooves up.

01:40:50.000 Yeah, that's a look.

01:40:51.000 Gym socks and pigtails.

01:40:52.000 Look at those.

01:40:52.000 There's entire threads dedicated to it.

01:40:55.000 Yeah, that's weird.

01:40:57.000 That is a weird thing that people are into.

01:40:59.000 See, well, this is it, too.

01:41:00.000 Compression socks is a big thing, and girls will wear them out of CrossFit and all that shit now.

01:41:05.000 That's a big thing, too.

01:41:06.000 Why do they wear compression socks?

01:41:08.000 What's the benefit of compression socks?

01:41:11.000 It's the same thing as compression sleeves.

01:41:13.000 It's the exact same thing.

01:41:13.000 Keep muscles warm.

01:41:15.000 Is that what it does?

01:41:18.000 Certain athletes claim that it helps keep their muscles warm between plays.

01:41:21.000 See, I wear rash guards for jujitsu.

01:41:26.000 Yeah, but that's functional.

01:41:27.000 But it's compression.

01:41:30.000 It's tight.

01:41:31.000 The main functionality is not to get your skin scratched up.

01:41:36.000 No, theirs is to keep the muscle tight and warm.

01:41:39.000 That's weird.

01:41:40.000 That's fucking weird, man.

01:41:42.000 I feel like it's marketing, but I don't know.

01:41:43.000 I don't really have the science behind it.

01:41:45.000 Fucking weird.

01:41:46.000 I mean, listen, there's something to be said about keeping muscles warm when you're working out.

01:41:50.000 When muscles get cold, they...

01:41:51.000 Yeah, but is that what it does?

01:41:52.000 Let's Google what are the benefits of compression clothes for athletics.

01:41:57.000 There's going to be some compression salesman that fucking hits us up and just writes a nine-hour paragraph.

01:42:03.000 I start to shake.

01:42:05.000 I start to shiver.

01:42:06.000 This is just for compression socks.

01:42:09.000 Properly designed and fitted compression legwear.

01:42:11.000 Prevent venous blood pooling in the legs and improve leg symptoms and decrease the risk of blood clots.

01:42:17.000 Huh.

01:42:17.000 Yeah, but there's so much blood flow when you're working out, I highly doubt there's a lot of pooling in athletes.

01:42:21.000 One of the things that I saw when I was in Thailand was they had stores.

01:42:26.000 They had stores where it was all compression clothing, including face masks and gloves.

01:42:33.000 That's just like a leather daddy suit.

01:42:35.000 No, it was tan, like skin colored.

01:42:37.000 It was fucking strange, man.

01:42:39.000 We're outside the store.

01:42:41.000 I was like, what is this?

01:42:43.000 What is this?

01:42:44.000 Compression shops.

01:42:45.000 Dude, they had it for little kids.

01:42:47.000 No.

01:42:47.000 Little masks for little kids.

01:42:49.000 Now you're getting into a weird territory.

01:42:51.000 Little pants, little masks, little shirts.

01:42:54.000 It was real strange.

01:42:55.000 See, that shit is gross.

01:42:56.000 Then you get into a territory of something pervy.

01:42:57.000 I think it's people that eat too many noodles.

01:42:59.000 You just eat all those carbs, you just...

01:43:02.000 They're trying to shrink them down.

01:43:04.000 See, I know people that travel.

01:43:05.000 My dad used to work with this guy, and he would travel a lot, and he always wore compression.

01:43:08.000 He was a bigger dude, and he wore compression sleeves and socks and stuff on planes because traveling a lot.

01:43:13.000 Some people like it for that.

01:43:15.000 I think some people use compression socks when they travel up there on planes all the time because you do pool and clot on planes.

01:43:20.000 Really?

01:43:20.000 Yeah, it happens to people all the time.

01:43:21.000 You pool and clot?

01:43:22.000 Yeah, blood can pool on planes very easily.

01:43:24.000 Don't you need to just go to the gym, you lazy fuck?

01:43:27.000 Fact.

01:43:28.000 Goddamn.

01:43:28.000 Fact.

01:43:29.000 Fucking compression shorts.

01:43:30.000 That's not going to fix it.

01:43:31.000 What's wrong with your body, bro?

01:43:32.000 It's pooling.

01:43:33.000 Pooling.

01:43:34.000 Because you just sunk in the seat.

01:43:36.000 Your gelatinous membranes.

01:43:38.000 Would you like it if they had an airline that you could work out on?

01:43:42.000 You'd fly and pay a premium and they had a gym in the back of the plane?

01:43:45.000 Like a commercial jet.

01:43:46.000 No, what if some dickhead's doing cleans and he drops the bar and it goes right through the floor?

01:43:51.000 It'd be fucking hilarious.

01:43:52.000 Kids start getting sucked through the hole.

01:43:54.000 Lift at your own risk.

01:43:55.000 And you're in the middle of the perfect bit.

01:43:57.000 You're writing.

01:43:58.000 And you're like, yes, I got it.

01:44:00.000 You clap your hands together and your lap cop goes flying through the hole in the floor.

01:44:06.000 Dickhead wants to do his CrossFit workout of the day.

01:44:10.000 CrossFit gym in the sky.

01:44:12.000 You couldn't lift weights there, but maybe you could have machines.

01:44:16.000 Yeah, there'd be a cool machine you could do.

01:44:17.000 Or those resistance bands machines, those cable machines.

01:44:21.000 Right.

01:44:22.000 Those 360 machines.

01:44:23.000 Mmm.

01:44:24.000 What is this, Jamie?

01:44:25.000 It's on its way.

01:44:26.000 What?

01:44:27.000 Santino's ahead of the curve.

01:44:29.000 I'm ahead of the fucking curve.

01:44:30.000 Those modular planes, I think, that they've sort of shown.

01:44:32.000 Get the fuck out of here.

01:44:33.000 In-flight exercise.

01:44:34.000 Project.

01:44:35.000 Hold on.

01:44:35.000 Let's go up so we can read that.

01:44:37.000 In-flight exercise.

01:44:38.000 Your next flight abroad could include a gym.

01:44:41.000 When is this article published?

01:44:42.000 May?

01:44:43.000 Last year.

01:44:44.000 Transpose, an Airbus project, is displaying a prototype flying gym module at the San Jose airport.

01:44:50.000 The modules can be used for spas, napping pods, or gaming centers.

01:44:54.000 That's tight.

01:44:55.000 Stop scrolling.

01:44:57.000 Transpose isn't the first to suggest using cabin space for activities that promote wellness, although such ideas are intriguing.

01:45:04.000 A lot of these concepts don't really account for the business model of air travel, says Devin Lydell, a principal behind strategist of...

01:45:11.000 At Teague.

01:45:12.000 Yeah, he's what's called the fun-stopper.

01:45:16.000 Devin, you fun-stoppin' fuckhead.

01:45:19.000 What is that?

01:45:20.000 Those are sleep tops.

01:45:21.000 Oh, that's like rubber bands.

01:45:23.000 Like you do like...

01:45:24.000 Oh, that's not a bad thing.

01:45:28.000 Like Pilates almost.

01:45:29.000 That's kind of cool, man.

01:45:30.000 See, that seems reasonable, but I feel like so few people are going to use it that it's going to be one of those things where after a while it's just like, hey, remember when they used to have the smoking part in the back of the plane?

01:45:40.000 That's what it's going to be.

01:45:41.000 Like, remember they used to have a fucking...

01:45:43.000 Oh, so these are the napping pods?

01:45:45.000 Yeah, I guess.

01:45:45.000 Dude.

01:45:45.000 That shit's awesome.

01:45:47.000 When we were flying to Thailand, there was this one dude that went to sleep immediately, and he was an enormous guy.

01:45:53.000 And it was the loudest snoring you've ever heard in your life.

01:45:57.000 Oh, dude, I hate it.

01:45:59.000 I'll wake them up.

01:46:00.000 Wake them right the fuck up.

01:46:02.000 I go, no, hey, hey, you're yelling, you're fucking, you're loud.

01:46:05.000 I'll wake people up.

01:46:05.000 Would you wake them up?

01:46:06.000 I do it.

01:46:06.000 I've done it before on planes.

01:46:07.000 What do you say?

01:46:08.000 I go, excuse me.

01:46:09.000 And they, huh?

01:46:09.000 And I go, you're fucking, you're snoring.

01:46:11.000 Just want to let you know you're snoring.

01:46:13.000 And they give me, they give you like a fuck you look, but it's, fuck them.

01:46:16.000 I don't want to sit there while the plane is quiet and hear you having fucking apnea.

01:46:20.000 I don't need to hear it.

01:46:21.000 Yeah, it was bad.

01:46:22.000 Yeah, it's fucking gross.

01:46:23.000 It was bad.

01:46:23.000 It went on for hours.

01:46:25.000 You can see people covering their head with pillows.

01:46:26.000 How long is that flight?

01:46:28.000 Five.

01:46:28.000 15 hours?

01:46:29.000 12 hours or 13 hours to Taipei.

01:46:32.000 Fuck that shit.

01:46:32.000 It was crazy.

01:46:33.000 I mean, Rome from here is 14, what?

01:46:37.000 Something like that.

01:46:38.000 Yeah, it's a long motherfucking flight to be listening to some guy snoring like that.

01:46:42.000 Think about that.

01:46:44.000 They put a gym on there for a premium.

01:46:46.000 People might pay, man, for long flights.

01:46:48.000 Not in the U.S., but overseas flights.

01:46:51.000 People might be like, man, I could fucking get a workout in before I land.

01:46:54.000 Take that snoring guy and bring him back there.

01:46:56.000 This is why you're snoring, motherfucker.

01:46:58.000 Put him on a machine.

01:46:58.000 Yeah, you fat fuck.

01:46:59.000 Your fucking head's too fat.

01:47:01.000 That's the sign.

01:47:01.000 It says everyone pays.

01:47:04.000 Fat head fuck.

01:47:06.000 Workout for free.

01:47:08.000 I want to know, when did people start getting that fat?

01:47:15.000 Well, I mean, that sugar documentary claims that it's in the revolution of corn syrups introduction into the fucking...

01:47:23.000 I would like to know, though.

01:47:25.000 Like, did people get that fat?

01:47:27.000 Was there a rare person, like, way back in the day that got that fat?

01:47:31.000 Like, what do you think?

01:47:31.000 Like, the 60s and the 70s, things started to change?

01:47:35.000 I don't know.

01:47:36.000 I imagine when our technology boom happened in the 80s, that's probably when it all started.

01:47:40.000 Well, it happened before that for sure, but it was also like sugary cereals and stuff.

01:47:45.000 Right, and doesn't that stuff introduce in the 80s?

01:47:47.000 Because 70s were like, that was the end of like natural cereal.

01:47:50.000 No, they had those sugary cereals in the 70s for sure, because I was a little kid.

01:47:54.000 They did?

01:47:54.000 I was a little kid in the 70s.

01:47:55.000 But were they like they are today?

01:47:57.000 Oh yeah, Cocoa Puffs and shit like that.

01:47:59.000 But I mean the amount of sugar.

01:48:00.000 I wonder what it is comparatively.

01:48:01.000 Because now it's like 40 grams a fucking cup.

01:48:04.000 It's absurd.

01:48:05.000 I think it was the same.

01:48:06.000 You do.

01:48:06.000 But then do you think it's because they were using cane sugar then and different sugar now?

01:48:10.000 No, I think people got fat even back then.

01:48:12.000 But I think it's expanded.

01:48:14.000 It's expanded to everything.

01:48:15.000 Well, convenience too, right?

01:48:16.000 You can get any fast food everywhere all the time.

01:48:19.000 Yeah.

01:48:19.000 24 hours is brilliant.

01:48:21.000 Does McDonald's really put sugar in their fries?

01:48:23.000 Yeah, man.

01:48:23.000 They put them in their fucking buns.

01:48:25.000 They put it in everything.

01:48:26.000 Sugar's in everything and everything they make.

01:48:28.000 Their buns?

01:48:29.000 The buns have sugar in them.

01:48:30.000 They add sugar to the buns.

01:48:31.000 Hell yeah.

01:48:32.000 Wow.

01:48:33.000 Dextrose, it says.

01:48:34.000 Dextrose, right.

01:48:35.000 Sugar.

01:48:36.000 Sugar.

01:48:36.000 Howard Taft, the president, was 340 pounds, and that was a long time ago.

01:48:40.000 340?

01:48:41.000 Yeah.

01:48:41.000 How tall was he?

01:48:43.000 I was trying to look up more information on that.

01:48:44.000 It was all cum.

01:48:46.000 That's what I heard.

01:48:46.000 He just loved cum.

01:48:47.000 He just drank it.

01:48:49.000 Hand me my daily gallon of cum.

01:48:52.000 I'm ready to address the State of the Union, but first I need my jizz.

01:49:01.000 You know Taffling's a big jizz chugger.

01:49:03.000 That was his thing.

01:49:05.000 My fellow Americans.

01:49:06.000 Burp.

01:49:07.000 Kennedy same thing.

01:49:08.000 Kennedy was little cum teacups.

01:49:11.000 Kennedy apparently was on all sorts of drugs including crystal meth.

01:49:15.000 They'd meth him up.

01:49:16.000 He was in a meth?

01:49:18.000 Yeah.

01:49:19.000 Yeah, Kennedy apparently had like some serious physical ailments.

01:49:24.000 And he was in dire straits.

01:49:27.000 Isn't that true?

01:49:27.000 He was a big pill head.

01:49:28.000 He was in massive pain.

01:49:30.000 They said that if he didn't get assassinated, he would have never done two terms.

01:49:35.000 He would have been dead.

01:49:37.000 Just from whatever the fuck was going on?

01:49:38.000 Whatever the fuck was going on with him, yeah.

01:49:41.000 He had some serious back problems.

01:49:43.000 But he was such a young, fit guy.

01:49:46.000 Like, he didn't look in shape.

01:49:49.000 Not really.

01:49:50.000 He looked young.

01:49:51.000 But compared to most presidents, don't you think he looked in shape?

01:49:54.000 Here's a picture of Taft.

01:49:55.000 Look at Taft.

01:49:56.000 Look at that fat fuck.

01:49:57.000 That walrus-looking motherfucker.

01:49:58.000 What year was this?

01:49:59.000 I don't know.

01:50:00.000 It just was on his Wikipedia.

01:50:01.000 Oh, 19...

01:50:02.000 No, that's not right.

01:50:02.000 He's got food in that hat.

01:50:04.000 Maybe 1919, but I can't tell.

01:50:06.000 Well, I bet it's booze, right?

01:50:08.000 He was probably a serious booze.

01:50:10.000 Serious booze.

01:50:11.000 That's so big.

01:50:13.000 That's crazy how big he was.

01:50:15.000 So is he our fattest president?

01:50:16.000 Yeah.

01:50:18.000 Who's our skinniest president?

01:50:19.000 Lincoln?

01:50:20.000 That tall skinny motherfucker?

01:50:22.000 Lincoln's pretty goddamn skinny, right?

01:50:23.000 He was a rail.

01:50:24.000 Wiry.

01:50:26.000 How about that?

01:50:27.000 He doesn't look 340. That's what's funny.

01:50:28.000 Those pictures make him look 250. I was going to show you this one first.

01:50:32.000 Photoshop.

01:50:32.000 They were photoshopping in 1929. This is his White House portrait.

01:50:36.000 Oh yeah, they skinned him up for that.

01:50:38.000 Yeah, they did.

01:50:40.000 They trimmed him up a little bit.

01:50:42.000 Because it's a portrait.

01:50:43.000 Because they made that chair look big.

01:50:46.000 It was a smart move on the artist.

01:50:47.000 Yeah, they shrunk him up a little bit there.

01:50:49.000 Yeah.

01:50:49.000 Make him look a little bit more regal.

01:50:51.000 Like Obama may have been one of our skinniest.

01:50:53.000 He was fucking- Yeah, he was very skinny.

01:50:54.000 He was skinny as shit.

01:50:54.000 He was fit, even though he smoked cigarettes.

01:50:57.000 George Bush, I guess, was- our most recent Bush was not out of shape.

01:51:02.000 He wasn't just a big- he wasn't a big guy.

01:51:04.000 Reagan was thin for an old guy.

01:51:05.000 Same, yeah.

01:51:06.000 Reagan was like in his 70s.

01:51:08.000 Yeah.

01:51:08.000 Right?

01:51:09.000 James Madison was 5'4 and 100 pounds.

01:51:12.000 Damn, not even a real guy!

01:51:18.000 5'4, 100!

01:51:19.000 Not even a real guy!

01:51:21.000 That's fake!

01:51:22.000 That's a fake number.

01:51:23.000 What year was that?

01:51:25.000 James Madison?

01:51:27.000 Boy, that's tiny.

01:51:29.000 5'4", 100 pounds.

01:51:31.000 100 pound grown man.

01:51:32.000 What did he eat?

01:51:33.000 Presidential term, 1809 to 1817. Oh, yeah.

01:51:36.000 People back then didn't have any food.

01:51:37.000 I think the average height was probably 5'5", 5'6".

01:51:40.000 And they were always just dodging Indians.

01:51:42.000 If you were smaller, the arrows would go over your head.

01:51:46.000 You didn't have to duck.

01:51:46.000 You could just stand there.

01:51:51.000 What do you think?

01:51:53.000 Isn't that funny, though?

01:51:53.000 I bet you if you had a sliding scale of the height of the presidents...

01:51:57.000 He's the shortest.

01:51:58.000 But there was a thing about the Civil War where they said that the average soldier in the Civil War weighed 125 pounds.

01:52:05.000 Because they were like 16, 17-year-olds.

01:52:08.000 They were kids, right?

01:52:10.000 Most of the soldiers were like children.

01:52:12.000 Yeah, I'm sure.

01:52:12.000 Well, most of the soldiers today are young.

01:52:15.000 Same thing.

01:52:15.000 We use 18 as a standard, but back in the day there wasn't a fucking number.

01:52:18.000 Wow, I wonder what the number was.

01:52:20.000 Google the average size of a soldier in the Civil War.

01:52:25.000 I'm pretty sure it was 125 pounds.

01:52:28.000 Damn, that's so tiny.

01:52:29.000 I got a picture out there of Sinatra.

01:52:32.000 This is a mugshot.

01:52:33.000 He weighed 125 pounds.

01:52:34.000 Yeah, he was a skinny, tiny dude.

01:52:36.000 Tiny?

01:52:36.000 Tiny dude.

01:52:37.000 5'8", 143. That was the average?

01:52:39.000 Yeah.

01:52:40.000 Really?

01:52:40.000 Look up the average.

01:52:41.000 Oh, I'm sorry.

01:52:42.000 I spoke too quick.

01:52:43.000 This was...

01:52:44.000 I don't know.

01:52:45.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:52:45.000 Civil War?

01:52:46.000 An average Civil War soldier.

01:52:48.000 Was white, native-born, farmer, Protestant, single, between 18 and 29, and he stood about 5'8", 143. That's weird.

01:52:55.000 Why did I think it was smaller than that?

01:52:56.000 That also sounds very on the book.

01:52:58.000 143 seems like a reasonable size for that time when there was no food.

01:53:03.000 Yeah, but you're also talking about, there wasn't, like, how could they have been that organized?

01:53:06.000 I'm sure people were just fighting who were around.

01:53:08.000 I'm sure people just joined the ranks and they weren't like, you gotta go through the process.

01:53:10.000 They were like, here's a gun, go fucking kill somebody.

01:53:12.000 Do you think they didn't, like, measure their size?

01:53:14.000 I think they took anything they could get.

01:53:17.000 I think they were like, fuck this, we need everyone we can get.

01:53:19.000 Especially in the South, man.

01:53:20.000 The South was just all against...

01:53:23.000 Everybody wanted to join in the South.

01:53:25.000 In the North, people were like, I guess we'll fuck you guys up if we have to.

01:53:30.000 Youngest was 12. What?

01:53:33.000 Youngest was 12. Told you, look at that.

01:53:35.000 Little drummer boy.

01:53:36.000 Most common age was 19. Almost 80. Holy shit.

01:53:40.000 Oldest age was 80. Can you imagine you're 80 and you're in Gettysburg?

01:53:45.000 What are you doing, man?

01:53:46.000 Just go sit down.

01:53:48.000 Fucking 80. You have to fight, man.

01:53:50.000 You want to keep that stupid flag flying.

01:53:54.000 Dude, the fact that they still bitch about it.

01:53:55.000 Did you watch fucking Sacha Baron Cohen's thing?

01:53:57.000 I've heard it's amazing.

01:53:59.000 Holy shit.

01:54:00.000 Of him getting this Georgia state representative to be like fucking hucking the n-word out like ten times.

01:54:06.000 Why did he say it?

01:54:07.000 What was the context?

01:54:09.000 Because, you know, Sacha finagles him into doing these fake PSA ads or whatever.

01:54:14.000 Right.

01:54:14.000 Of like anti-terrorism shit.

01:54:16.000 Yeah.

01:54:18.000 I don't want to give away Sasha's bits.

01:54:19.000 Mesker is one of the head writers over there.

01:54:21.000 He was telling me about it last night.

01:54:22.000 He was.

01:54:22.000 He says it gets crazier.

01:54:24.000 Oh, dude.

01:54:24.000 You could tell this is them just tipping you.

01:54:27.000 They're like, eh, here's a little something for you.

01:54:28.000 He says it gets really crazy at the last episode.

01:54:31.000 From this character, the one character that's like a...

01:54:33.000 The Israeli guy?

01:54:34.000 Yeah, dude.

01:54:35.000 How fucking good is that character?

01:54:36.000 It's great.

01:54:37.000 Pull up a video of that character when he was talking the Second Amendment guy into making cute guns for kids.

01:54:47.000 They do ads for kid guns.

01:54:51.000 But the character is so crazy.

01:54:54.000 This is Moshugana, his Israeli commander character.

01:54:58.000 The kid has a safety gun and it's got a big plush doll on top.

01:55:03.000 They put little plush dolls on kids' guns and shit.

01:55:05.000 Pull his mouth, he'd shoot gun.

01:55:07.000 Apparently, those really hardcore Christian Second Amendment guys, they love Israelis.

01:55:13.000 Of course.

01:55:14.000 Yeah, they love Israeli soldiers, man.

01:55:16.000 This is why he decided to have this Israeli character.

01:55:19.000 This dude is hilarious.

01:55:20.000 Sashabanko gets GOP lawmaker to endorse giving three-year-olds guns.

01:55:25.000 The stuffed animal surrounds the gun.

01:55:27.000 You're not going to see anything.

01:55:28.000 Yeah, but see if you can get a video of him doing the character.

01:55:30.000 Yeah, see.

01:55:31.000 Click that.

01:55:32.000 That's just going to be the full trailer.

01:55:33.000 They won't show you.

01:55:34.000 Yeah, but no, play it.

01:55:35.000 Play it.

01:55:36.000 No, that's it.

01:55:37.000 That's it.

01:55:58.000 It's just a fact.

01:55:59.000 In America, there have been a lot of shootings in the school and in the university.

01:56:05.000 What do the liberals say is the reason for this and the solution?

01:56:10.000 Well, they blame it on guns.

01:56:12.000 Yeah, it's crazy because people...

01:56:14.000 They blame it on the guns?

01:56:16.000 Yes.

01:56:17.000 Meshuggah.

01:56:18.000 Yes.

01:56:18.000 Meshuggah.

01:56:19.000 It is.

01:56:19.000 We start a program in Israel for kindergarten.

01:56:25.000 Okay.

01:56:26.000 We train them from the age 16 down to the age 3. Yeah, well, I think it would be a good idea.

01:56:33.000 We've been pushing something along this line for years, but really haven't gotten any traction with it.

01:56:38.000 We were thinking seventh or eighth grade.

01:56:40.000 You're talking much younger than that.

01:56:42.000 My son was in the very first program.

01:56:46.000 May he rest in peace.

01:56:48.000 He died doing what I love.

01:56:51.000 They haven't quite developed what we call conscious, where you feel guilty about doing something wrong.

01:56:58.000 That's developing.

01:56:59.000 You're learning right and wrong.

01:57:00.000 If they haven't developed that yet, they could be very effective soldiers.

01:57:04.000 This year, in our state government, they had a bill put in that would have made it illegal For someone four years old to 12 years old to have access to a gun.

01:57:17.000 We killed the bill.

01:57:20.000 They tried to stop four-year-old children from having access to guns?

01:57:25.000 Yes.

01:57:26.000 Yes.

01:57:26.000 What is the logic that these people come up with?

01:57:29.000 They just think that children can't handle them.

01:57:33.000 We want three-year-olds who are real experts at what they're doing, not three-year-olds who are reckless.

01:57:38.000 And we don't teach two-year-olds because...

01:57:42.000 They call it the terrible tools for a reason.

01:57:45.000 I would like you to help me do instructional video for a few years.

01:57:49.000 Oh, they're going to show you.

01:57:50.000 Yeah, well, you should...

01:57:51.000 Folks should watch that.

01:57:53.000 But what's really crazy is the makeup, man.

01:57:55.000 It's wild.

01:57:56.000 Look at the makeup that he's wearing, man.

01:57:57.000 He does one where he's like an NPR type of cat and he goes to Kingman, Arizona and he tries to build a mosque and they...

01:58:05.000 The shit that comes out of their mouth.

01:58:07.000 The fact that they sign off on it.

01:58:09.000 The one dude goes, there's blacks in this town, and they don't belong here either.

01:58:13.000 And of course, he makes a joke, and then he goes, no, what I'm telling you is, we tolerate them.

01:58:19.000 We tolerate the blacks.

01:58:21.000 And it sits in the room for a second.

01:58:23.000 You're like, good fucking god.

01:58:24.000 These are real people that exist.

01:58:26.000 Yeah, they exist.

01:58:27.000 They tolerate the blacks in town.

01:58:29.000 It's a great name of the show, too.

01:58:30.000 This is America.

01:58:31.000 Yeah, this is it.

01:58:32.000 This is the guy.

01:58:33.000 A new mosque for Kingman.

01:58:34.000 Look at the NPR guy with the wooden beads around his neck.

01:58:37.000 He nailed it.

01:58:38.000 His intro was hilarious because he goes, I'm a self-hating white man.

01:58:41.000 Oh, play that.

01:58:42.000 Play that video.

01:58:44.000 Try to find that video.

01:58:45.000 It's really fucking funny.

01:58:46.000 He's a genius, man.

01:58:48.000 He lays us...

01:58:50.000 What is this?

01:58:51.000 This is it?

01:58:52.000 That's it?

01:58:53.000 That's it?

01:58:54.000 Huge economic growth here.

01:59:00.000 Who wants to see an investment of 385 million dollars?

01:59:11.000 Guess what?

01:59:12.000 You guys are going to get it.

01:59:15.000 I'm here to tell you that kingdom has chosen us the location of a brand new state-of-the-art mosque.

01:59:26.000 I know some of you are thinking, okay, this is just another typical mosque.

01:59:35.000 This guys is going to be the world's largest mosque outside of the Middle East.

01:59:47.000 Just the word alone scares you.

01:59:50.000 To me, when I hear the word mosque, I think of charism.

01:59:52.000 This guy.

01:59:52.000 Is there a need for this in Kingman?

01:59:55.000 Yes, there is.

01:59:56.000 Your town will become a pop for tourism.

02:00:02.000 It's really good.

02:00:04.000 It's so good, man.

02:00:05.000 Talk some more.

02:00:06.000 Look at the character.

02:00:07.000 The character is fucking wonderful.

02:00:09.000 This guy right there.

02:00:10.000 This toothless dude that was just on him too.

02:00:12.000 But the other dude, he's the one that's like, the fucking blacks we tolerate.

02:00:17.000 We have to.

02:00:18.000 We do it because we have to.

02:00:19.000 Look at his shoes, man.

02:00:21.000 He went with the perfect outfit.

02:00:23.000 This is amazing.

02:00:23.000 Every detail of every character he does, the clothing is some of the funniest shit.

02:00:27.000 It's real specific.

02:00:28.000 What's hilarious is he kind of had to do this because everybody knew what he looked like.

02:00:32.000 He couldn't just do Borat.

02:00:34.000 He couldn't just do Olly G. Except for people in these...

02:00:37.000 You know when someone goes, someone will notice you, he's famous.

02:00:38.000 Not in those worlds.

02:00:40.000 If he'd had no makeup on, nobody in King would know who Sacha Baron Cohen is.

02:00:44.000 Do you know what I mean?

02:00:44.000 The crazy thing is these people must have had to sign releases.

02:00:48.000 Yeah, and I did hidden camera shit, so I know how that works.

02:00:50.000 Yeah.

02:00:51.000 I've done that too.

02:00:52.000 How do they get them signed?

02:00:52.000 Well, there's two ways.

02:00:53.000 There's money, which is always the best way.

02:00:55.000 And you make them signed before.

02:00:57.000 That's it.

02:00:58.000 There's two ways to get around.

02:00:59.000 Signed before is the way.

02:00:59.000 Yeah, you make them signed.

02:01:00.000 You know, we're going to be featuring you on this thing.

02:01:02.000 We did this bit.

02:01:03.000 Ian Edwards and I did this bit for Comedy Central for the show that never went.

02:01:07.000 I don't know if I've ever told you this.

02:01:09.000 But this bit was so fun to do.

02:01:12.000 We made a thing called Melanin Mayo.

02:01:14.000 Mayonnaise.

02:01:15.000 Mayonnaise that made you darker.

02:01:18.000 Yeah.

02:01:21.000 Real shit.

02:01:22.000 And we put food coloring in mayo.

02:01:24.000 But we introduced it as new brown mayo.

02:01:27.000 It's a new generation of mayo.

02:01:29.000 And so we got people in this test group.

02:01:31.000 We know like real people in a real test group that go and take tests all the time and they sample shit.

02:01:35.000 We put them in a room.

02:01:36.000 We made them eat the sandwiches.

02:01:37.000 Just fucking mayo.

02:01:38.000 It was mayo.

02:01:39.000 They eat the sandwiches.

02:01:40.000 All these white people eat the sandwiches.

02:01:42.000 And then when they're done, we send in this black dude, Al, and he shows them a video, and it was a pre-tape video, basically, of white people confessionals who have turned, you know, we photoshopped them to have turned more brown, to start to turn black.

02:01:53.000 And we're like, in three to five weeks, you start to see results.

02:01:56.000 You start to see cultural results, mental results, you know, you're getting more black by culture, you're getting smarter black, you're getting cooler black in your neighborhood to your friends.

02:02:04.000 Like, their faces were perfect.

02:02:07.000 If we didn't have any volume, you'd have laughed.

02:02:09.000 Everyone's like...

02:02:11.000 Wait a minute.

02:02:12.000 No one said we'd be turning black.

02:02:15.000 I mean, they lost their fucking minds.

02:02:18.000 People got so scared.

02:02:19.000 It was amazing.

02:02:21.000 That bit was incredible.

02:02:23.000 MTV never...

02:02:23.000 I mean, Comedy Central never aired any of that shit.

02:02:25.000 Where is it?

02:02:26.000 Comedy Central probably has in the fucking vault they threw away.

02:02:29.000 Oh, my God.

02:02:29.000 How could they not do that?

02:02:30.000 That was one of our favorite bits.

02:02:31.000 That made us laugh so fucking hard.

02:02:34.000 Their faces.

02:02:36.000 One woman, though, one woman, to her credit, she goes, you know, people are freaking out.

02:02:40.000 In the room, people are starting yelling at him, and they're like, I'm going to fucking sue you.

02:02:43.000 And he's black, and he's white.

02:02:44.000 I'm going to fucking sue your ass if I'm black.

02:02:47.000 It's funny to watch him go, it's not as bad as you're making it out to be.

02:02:50.000 I mean, I was born black, and I'm liking it a lot.

02:02:53.000 And one woman goes...

02:02:54.000 You know, it's disturbing because it's shocking just to spring this on me, but I don't, I'm not scared.

02:03:00.000 I could take on being black.

02:03:02.000 I'll just, let's, we'll see what happens.

02:03:03.000 I mean, she was like positive about it.

02:03:06.000 To her credit, she was, she goes, we'll just, I'll just live with, we'll just figure this out, I guess.

02:03:10.000 I mean, It was insane that they bought into it, but also that that's how we did it.

02:03:14.000 We fucking made them sign beforehand.

02:03:16.000 And then you paid them out.

02:03:17.000 And when it's over, we broke them off more money so they wouldn't say no.

02:03:21.000 Because they still have the legal right to be like, I'm pulling that around.

02:03:23.000 You pull it or I'm suing you.

02:03:24.000 So once it was over, did they understand that it was for Comedy Central?

02:03:28.000 After everything was said and done.

02:03:30.000 And then did they laugh?

02:03:31.000 A few did not laugh.

02:03:35.000 A few laughed, a few people were not good.

02:03:37.000 But that was one of my favorite bits.

02:03:39.000 Melon and mayo.

02:03:41.000 And man, did it work like a charm.

02:03:43.000 People were like, this mayonnaise is delicious.

02:03:45.000 It was fucking Hellmann's or whatever with a little brown dye in it.

02:03:49.000 It's unconventional, but I really like it.

02:03:53.000 This is so stupid.

02:03:54.000 That's so funny.

02:03:55.000 Yeah, that was a funny bit, man.

02:03:57.000 They killed and they murdered the bit.

02:03:58.000 Seeing people think they're about to turn black and they panic.

02:04:01.000 And the black guy's a presenter.

02:04:03.000 That was the best part.

02:04:03.000 We put Al, you know, Al's up there in a room full of...

02:04:06.000 This guy named Al Shear.

02:04:07.000 He's a great improver.

02:04:09.000 And he's in a room filled with fucking white people telling him they don't want to go black.

02:04:12.000 Oh my god.

02:04:13.000 It was awesome.

02:04:14.000 It was a fun bit.

02:04:15.000 So he was saying that he used to be white?

02:04:17.000 No, no.

02:04:18.000 He's saying...

02:04:19.000 He just was the representative for the company.

02:04:22.000 Right.

02:04:22.000 We loved the idea.

02:04:23.000 We had images and video of people who had turned black.

02:04:27.000 Of white people who had turned black.

02:04:29.000 But you didn't tell them until after they ate the sandwich.

02:04:32.000 That's exactly right.

02:04:33.000 Eat the food first, then we showed them the...

02:04:35.000 We said it was a commercial.

02:04:36.000 Because that was the whole thing.

02:04:37.000 It was like a new commercial campaign for whatever fake mayonnaise company we made up.

02:04:40.000 And then we had said, here's the commercial.

02:04:42.000 We're going to run along with it.

02:04:43.000 What do you guys think?

02:04:44.000 And we played the commercial.

02:04:45.000 They were supposed to rate the commercial.

02:04:46.000 That's what they do in those test groups, you know?

02:04:47.000 Oh my god.

02:04:49.000 Yeah, that was fun as fuck.

02:04:51.000 Now, what did Comedy Central...

02:04:52.000 Why did they not do that?

02:04:54.000 You know what's so funny is they...

02:04:56.000 We overshot this pilot because I think they wanted way more bits for the sketch show.

02:05:00.000 And I just don't...

02:05:02.000 A lot of things they said they couldn't.

02:05:03.000 They didn't want to air.

02:05:04.000 They couldn't air.

02:05:04.000 There's a few things that were just...

02:05:06.000 He did some fucking great bits.

02:05:08.000 I just think Comedy Central Legal Department was just having trouble with it.

02:05:10.000 Because he was balls out.

02:05:12.000 He did this thing called Gangster Gardener where we went to Bel Air where he just started clipping people's lawns and planting trees with a group of Mexican dudes.

02:05:19.000 And they looked like they were thugged the fuck out.

02:05:21.000 And these white dudes would come out like...

02:05:23.000 What are you doing in my yard?

02:05:24.000 It's like, we're planting trees, motherfucker.

02:05:26.000 We're trying to get this motherfucker looking nice.

02:05:27.000 And these white dudes are like, no, I don't want you.

02:05:29.000 He's like, we're landscaping.

02:05:30.000 And then he would hand them bills.

02:05:32.000 He'd be like, yeah, that's 50 bucks.

02:05:33.000 50 bucks for that bush.

02:05:34.000 And these dudes were like, I'm not giving you money.

02:05:36.000 You can't just like renegade do my lawn.

02:05:39.000 He's like, that's how we're making money out here these days.

02:05:41.000 In Bel Air, it was like, ugh, we got in fucking.

02:05:43.000 That was a tough day.

02:05:45.000 Because everyone's like, I'm going to fucking sue you.

02:05:47.000 I'm going to sue everyone.

02:05:48.000 Every motherfucker in that truck!

02:05:49.000 I mean, it was like...

02:05:50.000 I mean, there were fun days, but a lot of days, and that shit was like...

02:05:53.000 Going through...

02:05:55.000 You just feel people's, like, anger bubbling over, and they're gonna murder somebody.

02:05:59.000 But Al was ruthless.

02:06:00.000 He didn't give a fuck.

02:06:02.000 You have to be a certain type of person and do one of those.

02:06:04.000 He would go do any bit.

02:06:05.000 He would go do any bit.

02:06:06.000 He loved...

02:06:06.000 And the racial shit was always his favorite.

02:06:08.000 It was making white people feel uncomfortable.

02:06:09.000 To do a hidden camera show, you gotta be a different kind of person.

02:06:12.000 Yeah, it's a beastly thing.

02:06:13.000 I... You gotta be fucked up.

02:06:16.000 You gotta be fucked up.

02:06:17.000 And he was fucking good.

02:06:19.000 But yeah.

02:06:20.000 Ian and I and another person wrote a bunch of those fucking weird, stupid...

02:06:24.000 It's gotta be really hard to do something like that today.

02:06:28.000 Which is the interesting thing about the Sarah...

02:06:30.000 Sarah...

02:06:31.000 Sarah?

02:06:32.000 Sasha, Baron Cohen thing.

02:06:34.000 Oh yeah, his is.

02:06:36.000 Showtime's taking some chances.

02:06:38.000 Yeah, but you know what?

02:06:39.000 They took a chance because he is such a good horse to bet on.

02:06:42.000 And look at, on that just on that YouTube clip, that's not even a Showtime clip.

02:06:46.000 That was somebody else.

02:06:47.000 That's 150,000 views on just a clip.

02:06:50.000 And it's just really recent.

02:06:51.000 Yeah, they just put it out.

02:06:53.000 I mean, they're circulating all over the internet.

02:06:55.000 It will just get way more traction as time goes on because it's so fun.

02:07:00.000 Yeah, he's a killer.

02:07:01.000 Got all that free PR too by all the politicians saying that they got duped before they even put out the shows.

02:07:07.000 They're all like, we got duped, I got duped by him, I got duped.

02:07:10.000 Dick Cheney, Sarah Palin, they all came out and were like, he fucked me over, da-da-da-da-da.

02:07:14.000 And then they had a billboard that somebody said he was doing Stolen Valor.

02:07:18.000 Did you see that?

02:07:19.000 Yeah, what was that about?

02:07:20.000 Because he said that he was an injured soldier.

02:07:23.000 Right, there was an ad for him as an ex-soldier or something.

02:07:25.000 And so that got a ton of fucking press.

02:07:27.000 A ton of press.

02:07:29.000 Wasn't that the Sarah Palin one?

02:07:30.000 No.

02:07:32.000 Was it?

02:07:32.000 I don't know.

02:07:32.000 You'd have to look it up.

02:07:33.000 I don't remember which one it was.

02:07:35.000 I think it was the Sarah Palin one.

02:07:36.000 He was a disabled veteran.

02:07:38.000 But they were saying, right, stolen valor, stolen valor, all this shit.

02:07:41.000 Yeah, they were trying anything to discredit it.

02:07:43.000 Well, but it's a comedy series.

02:07:45.000 It's a sketch comedy series.

02:07:47.000 You tell me a sketch character can't play whatever they want?

02:07:49.000 I mean, that's what it is.

02:07:51.000 That's like people getting mad.

02:07:52.000 Some people say no.

02:07:54.000 I mean, if you can play a war hero in a film, why couldn't you play the opposite?

02:08:00.000 Like Born on the Fourth of July?

02:08:01.000 Tom Cruise?

02:08:02.000 Okay.

02:08:03.000 What's so funny?

02:08:04.000 I was just thinking, I think the character he has when he does that is the alt-right type guy.

02:08:10.000 Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

02:08:11.000 And his saying is a bunch of stuff like that.

02:08:13.000 Showtime countered the claim here with the...

02:08:19.000 Showtime counter, Sacha Baron Cohen.

02:08:21.000 Stolen Valor claim, yeah.

02:08:22.000 They countered it.

02:08:23.000 Well, because it was made public.

02:08:24.000 It's a long statement about it.

02:08:28.000 Widespread misinformation over the past week about the character of Billy Wayne Ruddock Jr., Ph.D. performed by Sacha Baron Cohen.

02:08:33.000 But what is the counter?

02:08:35.000 I think they explained what happened.

02:08:36.000 They sort of said that they didn't misrepresent themselves.

02:08:39.000 They probably thought he was someone who wasn't.

02:08:42.000 Riddick was asked by the senator if he was disabled and he stated that he is not and uses a mobility scooter to conserve energy.

02:08:48.000 In addition, Baron Cohen never presented himself as a veteran of the U.S. military, former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin, during the booking process or during the filming of her interview.

02:08:55.000 Okay, so there you go.

02:08:55.000 Okay, scroll down a little bit lower.

02:08:57.000 It says, on Monday, a conservative street artist replaced a billboard near CBS Television City Complex in Los Angeles with a doctored image of Cohen in a wheelchair wearing an Army t-shirt.

02:09:09.000 The new billboard was captioned, Sasha Baron Cohen walks away with a hit and a touch of stolen valor.

02:09:17.000 A touch.

02:09:18.000 Yeah, he's trying to say that it's a slight at the troops.

02:09:21.000 Yeah, okay.

02:09:23.000 But how dare you mock those who have fought and served our country?

02:09:25.000 Truly sick.

02:09:26.000 Mock politicians and innocent personalities all you want.

02:09:31.000 The delicate balance.

02:09:33.000 Is this what Palin said?

02:09:34.000 Palin wrote on Facebook, the disrespect of our U.S. military and middle-class Americans via Cohen.

02:09:40.000 She's so stupid and middle-class Americans.

02:09:43.000 Fuck you.

02:09:44.000 You're disrespectful to middle-class Americans.

02:09:45.000 Yeah, see, that's the But just that trick.

02:09:50.000 She's just trying to game the system by saying, end middle class Americans.

02:09:54.000 Just get as many people in there as you can.

02:09:57.000 Via Cohen's foreign commentaries under the guise of interview questions.

02:10:03.000 Foreign commentaries?

02:10:05.000 What does that mean?

02:10:07.000 Under the guise of...

02:10:08.000 She's so dumb.

02:10:09.000 Could you imagine that lady almost became our vice president?

02:10:12.000 Wow.

02:10:13.000 What the fuck were they thinking?

02:10:15.000 It was insane.

02:10:16.000 McCain could have won.

02:10:17.000 Yeah.

02:10:18.000 Yeah.

02:10:18.000 He could have won.

02:10:19.000 Yeah.

02:10:20.000 She was the anchor that fucking sunk that boat.

02:10:22.000 But the idea that they thought that that was a good idea.

02:10:26.000 Well, she was a pawn, man.

02:10:27.000 She was such an easy fucking pawn.

02:10:29.000 I don't think so.

02:10:30.000 I think she was used as this good-looking, cute item, a female, this middle American gun shooting.

02:10:36.000 She was a pawn.

02:10:37.000 I think she was a play, and it went too far.

02:10:39.000 It was almost like they didn't know what they had gotten themselves into.

02:10:41.000 I think they thought that could have been the...

02:10:44.000 It's one of those things where you're like, that could have been brilliant or fucking the dumbest shit on earth.

02:10:48.000 Well, she was the governor of Alaska.

02:10:49.000 They figured, hey, she's a good-looking woman.

02:10:52.000 She's the She's the governor of a state.

02:10:54.000 She's a mom.

02:10:54.000 She shoots guns.

02:10:55.000 Disabled child.

02:10:56.000 She had all the things that was like, wow, what a good PR push.

02:11:00.000 Yeah, was the disabled child while she was running?

02:11:02.000 I'm almost positive, right?

02:11:03.000 She gave birth almost like while she was running?

02:11:06.000 No, no, I think she already had had a disabled child.

02:11:08.000 I think she had had a disabled kid.

02:11:10.000 Her other son was a veteran, right?

02:11:12.000 So she had all these things lined up that were like perfect for America.

02:11:17.000 The whole thing's so crazy.

02:11:19.000 When they started interviewing her, so what newspapers do you read?

02:11:22.000 Oh, all of them.

02:11:23.000 All of them.

02:11:24.000 I can see Russia from my front porch!

02:11:27.000 Remember those?

02:11:28.000 I can see Russia!

02:11:30.000 I look right across.

02:11:31.000 I see Russia from my porch.

02:11:32.000 I mean, those were like sound bites for America to be like, she fucked.

02:11:36.000 But Trump does the same things.

02:11:38.000 He just does it in a— No!

02:11:40.000 No, no.

02:11:40.000 He does.

02:11:41.000 I heard about that again the other day because I was listening to—it's called The Satire Paradox, Revisionist History, Malcolm Gladwell, and they were talking about this Sarah Palin incident.

02:11:50.000 And Tina Fey actually said that.

02:11:53.000 And everyone thinks that Sarah Palin actually said it.

02:11:55.000 It came from the SNL spoof and completely got attributed to her and sort of also ruined that whole thing.

02:12:01.000 That she could see it from her front porch?

02:12:03.000 Yeah, that was from a sketch.

02:12:04.000 That's incredible.

02:12:05.000 No, but she did say something about...

02:12:07.000 She said something about Russia being her neighbor.

02:12:09.000 Yeah.

02:12:10.000 She did say something about Russia being close, like they're going to come through Alaska.

02:12:14.000 She did say something preposterous, like that if Russia came, they would go through her.

02:12:19.000 Right.

02:12:21.000 On Snopes, which isn't the best place to now be looking things up, but they have the article about it and it says that this came from an SNL spoof.

02:12:28.000 Okay.

02:12:28.000 But instead of Googling that, just Google...

02:12:31.000 Palin's comment on being close to Russia.

02:12:33.000 Right, she said something.

02:12:34.000 That's what I googled.

02:12:35.000 I googled Sarah Palin Russia from my house.

02:12:37.000 No, no, no, no, not that statement.

02:12:39.000 Russia from my house.

02:12:40.000 Sarah Palin on Russia being close to Alaska.

02:12:43.000 She did say something.

02:12:45.000 She didn't say something that's that ridiculous.

02:12:47.000 Yeah, yeah, it wasn't his toy.

02:12:48.000 But she said something ridiculous enough that people were like, what?

02:12:51.000 What are you saying?

02:12:52.000 And that's where Tina got the influence to make that sketch.

02:12:55.000 They're gonna fly in jets, dummy.

02:12:57.000 It's gonna take three seconds.

02:12:58.000 They're gonna walk right across.

02:12:59.000 They're gonna be like, here's Wasilla, Alaska.

02:13:03.000 But I think that was just, you know...

02:13:05.000 Supposedly she tweeted, remember, I can keep an eye on them from here.

02:13:09.000 Yeah, right.

02:13:10.000 That's it.

02:13:10.000 That's her being like, look at it.

02:13:11.000 Basically, that's the statement.

02:13:12.000 But also, but I think this comes on the heels of her publicly during...

02:13:16.000 At press at some point had said something about it.

02:13:19.000 This is kind of like how when Trump says something once, he repeats it over and over.

02:13:22.000 Like, if you ever watch those clips, he'll say the same anecdote because it starts to drain the swamp.

02:13:29.000 Wasn't once.

02:13:29.000 It was a thousand times.

02:13:30.000 I talked to Tom Arnold last night.

02:13:32.000 I know.

02:13:33.000 Tom Arnold was backstage.

02:13:34.000 And he's got the Trump tapes.

02:13:35.000 He said, we got a gang of tapes.

02:13:37.000 He said, there's some crazy shit.

02:13:40.000 Yeah, I can't, I don't want to disclose anything, but he said there is a tape of him.

02:13:44.000 Show starts soon, right?

02:13:45.000 Yeah.

02:13:45.000 Yeah, and he said there's a tape of him saying the hard N-word.

02:13:49.000 Well, I mean, I just made you a face like I was surprised at that for some reason.

02:13:57.000 He said, it's crazy.

02:13:59.000 He said, the tapes are crazy.

02:14:01.000 Where's he putting them out again?

02:14:02.000 It's Vice, right?

02:14:03.000 It's Vice, yeah.

02:14:03.000 And he said, people are turning on him left and right.

02:14:07.000 Because he doesn't have loyalty to those people that are around him, so apparently those people are turning on him, left and right, and testifying, and, you know, giving up evidence and information.

02:14:17.000 Like, everybody realizes it's a sinking ship.

02:14:20.000 We were talking last night, we were like, dude, it's only a year in.

02:14:23.000 Yeah, one fucking year.

02:14:24.000 One year.

02:14:24.000 This guy's got three more years of this.

02:14:27.000 I saw the news yesterday about the call that Cohen has the tape and he said that Trump knew about it.

02:14:33.000 Oh, yeah.

02:14:34.000 And that supposedly proves the collusion.

02:14:36.000 Yeah.

02:14:36.000 It came out last night.

02:14:37.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

02:14:39.000 How does that work?

02:14:40.000 What does that mean?

02:14:41.000 So Trump did know about the meeting with Russia.

02:14:44.000 Then the collusion is proven.

02:14:47.000 Then he can be prosecuted.

02:14:49.000 Can he be?

02:14:50.000 As a sitting president?

02:14:52.000 Yeah, right?

02:14:54.000 I think you have to be impeached before you can be so that he technically isn't president.

02:14:58.000 Are we comfortable with President Pence?

02:15:01.000 No fucking way.

02:15:02.000 Does that happen?

02:15:04.000 Can we have another election?

02:15:06.000 Do it again.

02:15:07.000 Can we do it again?

02:15:09.000 We could...

02:15:09.000 I mean, I don't know if it's...

02:15:10.000 It obviously hasn't happened, but I don't know if Congress can call an emergency election.

02:15:13.000 Well, see, this is the thing.

02:15:15.000 Hillary has been ramping up the publicity lately.

02:15:17.000 Big time.

02:15:17.000 Almost like she's ready to get back in there.

02:15:19.000 Yeah.

02:15:19.000 Because she recognizes.

02:15:20.000 Because there's so much going on to try to...

02:15:22.000 People are trying to bury him, dude.

02:15:24.000 Pence would be scary to me, man.

02:15:25.000 That guy has scary ideals.

02:15:26.000 She's scary, too.

02:15:26.000 No, no, no.

02:15:27.000 She's scary.

02:15:27.000 She's not a good candidate for president.

02:15:29.000 I agree.

02:15:29.000 But I'm saying second in line is him, and that does freak me out, too.

02:15:33.000 There's got to be a good Democrat out there.

02:15:36.000 That's not a compromised, completely corrupt person who's been embedded in the system forever and might have killed a bunch of people.

02:15:42.000 I think everyone that you would want to run wouldn't.

02:15:45.000 I think you're right.

02:15:46.000 I think that's how I always feel when I'm like, oh, you know what would be great?

02:15:48.000 It's like, I'm not fucking running.

02:15:50.000 What a nightmare gig.

02:15:52.000 200 grand a year to be...

02:15:54.000 They make more than that now.

02:15:55.000 What is it, 250?

02:15:57.000 Is it 400?

02:15:58.000 Maybe.

02:15:59.000 Maybe half a million, yeah.

02:16:00.000 Maybe half a million.

02:16:01.000 Whatever.

02:16:01.000 Before taxes.

02:16:02.000 Yeah.

02:16:03.000 Which Trump won't pay.

02:16:06.000 Yeah, man.

02:16:06.000 It's a terrible job.

02:16:08.000 It's a terrible job.

02:16:09.000 It's awful.

02:16:10.000 Really, it should be a job that many, many, many people do.

02:16:14.000 One person's involved in the economy, ecology, environment, military.

02:16:22.000 It's like you play God.

02:16:23.000 You're playing God.

02:16:24.000 It's so crazy.

02:16:25.000 You have to puppeteer everything.

02:16:26.000 That doesn't make sense.

02:16:27.000 It wouldn't even work if you had a village.

02:16:29.000 Yeah, that would collapse.

02:16:31.000 Because one farmer you had allegiance to would get mad.

02:16:34.000 Yeah, you had to control all the crops, you had to control all the weapons, you had to control all the laws.

02:16:40.000 What the fuck?

02:16:41.000 Yeah, get out of control at even a micro level.

02:16:43.000 The weird thing is, while he's president, can he start pardoning people?

02:16:49.000 Well, didn't he?

02:16:50.000 Didn't he already do that?

02:16:51.000 Well, what if he decides to pardon a bunch of people while he's president?

02:16:54.000 If he does that, is it still good if they put him in jail?

02:16:59.000 If he pardons while he's in office, then they're scot-free.

02:17:02.000 But are you saying after?

02:17:04.000 Yeah.

02:17:05.000 I don't know.

02:17:05.000 Like if he goes to jail.

02:17:07.000 I don't know.

02:17:09.000 He's pardoned people already or he pardoned Alex Johnson.

02:17:11.000 I know a bunch of them, right?

02:17:13.000 Yeah, he has pardoned a bunch of people.

02:17:14.000 He pardoned Jack Johnson, which is like, yeah, that's not really going to help.

02:17:17.000 Cat Stevens is still not pardoned, man.

02:17:19.000 Peace Train is still not.

02:17:21.000 Dinesh D'Souza, he did too.

02:17:22.000 Yeah, Dinesh D'Souza, right?

02:17:24.000 Did he pardon Cat Stevens?

02:17:26.000 No.

02:17:26.000 What is Cat Stevens in trouble for?

02:17:29.000 Do you remember this?

02:17:30.000 This was years and years ago.

02:17:30.000 Cat Stevens said now he's a part of Muslim faith and he left the United States.

02:17:35.000 Yeah, but he also wanted death for Salman Rushdie.

02:17:39.000 Salman Rushdie, right.

02:17:40.000 And they wouldn't let him back in the United States.

02:17:41.000 They took away his entry, right?

02:17:43.000 I don't even know if he's here now.

02:17:45.000 He does concerts in Mexico.

02:17:46.000 People go down to Mexico to watch a Cat Stevens concert.

02:17:49.000 It's only where you can get them, down in Cabo.

02:17:51.000 Is that true?

02:17:52.000 Look it up if Cat Stevens is allowed back in the United States.

02:17:54.000 I don't think so.

02:17:55.000 Let's look up Cat Stevens tour dates.

02:17:58.000 Because he went, he toured.

02:18:00.000 Should we go see him?

02:18:01.000 Let's go see him.

02:18:02.000 I'm being followed by a moon shadow.

02:18:06.000 Moon shadow, moon Shadow.

02:18:08.000 We'll go see him in Tijuana.

02:18:10.000 He's playing the border tour.

02:18:11.000 Could you imagine if we went to see him?

02:18:13.000 That'd be fucking fun.

02:18:14.000 That'd be a fun piece to do.

02:18:15.000 No events currently booked.

02:18:17.000 Yeah, he's having a tough time.

02:18:20.000 I think he did it because he needed some money.

02:18:22.000 Oh, totally.

02:18:22.000 Because he didn't have his publishing rights or something like that.

02:18:24.000 He lost money.

02:18:25.000 So he went on a tour.

02:18:27.000 Tried to get some checks.

02:18:28.000 Got some cheddar and then went back to the mosque.

02:18:31.000 With all that cheddar.

02:18:32.000 Bought some hummus.

02:18:33.000 Passed it around.

02:18:35.000 Peta?

02:18:36.000 Peta, you guys?

02:18:37.000 And, you know, that's one thing that an artist can do that's a musician that a comic can't do.

02:18:42.000 A musician can go back and do all their old hits and still rake it in.

02:18:47.000 I mean, the Beach Boys, they're not...

02:18:49.000 They could still go on tour.

02:18:52.000 Add a drop of a hat and make a ton of money.

02:18:54.000 Yeah.

02:18:55.000 Well, they also bands now reconvene with new members and they make...

02:18:58.000 They still do that shit.

02:19:00.000 I mean, the Dead tour with John Mayer and fucking their biggest...

02:19:03.000 John Mayer?

02:19:04.000 Yeah.

02:19:05.000 John Mayer?

02:19:05.000 The John Mayer handsome guy that hangs out with Dave Chappelle?

02:19:08.000 Bro, he tours with the Dead.

02:19:09.000 He tours with the Dead.

02:19:11.000 He sings?

02:19:11.000 Does he sing?

02:19:11.000 Yes.

02:19:12.000 Get the fuck out of here.

02:19:13.000 Swear to God on my life, man.

02:19:14.000 Get the fuck.

02:19:15.000 Do you think he does that because he wants hippie pussy?

02:19:17.000 And deadheads love it.

02:19:19.000 They do?

02:19:19.000 Deadheads love it.

02:19:20.000 Why do they love it?

02:19:21.000 I don't know.

02:19:21.000 I got a couple friends that are deadheads, and I never was into the dead, but they were like, it's...

02:19:25.000 There were skeptics at the beginning.

02:19:27.000 They're in fucking love with that guy.

02:19:29.000 Because they're like, he does it right, man.

02:19:31.000 He fucking pays homage the right way.

02:19:33.000 He's a fucking god.

02:19:34.000 It's fucking insane.

02:19:36.000 John fucking, your body's a wonderland is playing dead songs.

02:19:43.000 That's the world we're in.

02:19:44.000 The world can't get any more absurd.

02:19:47.000 No.

02:19:47.000 It can't.

02:19:48.000 What does it say about Kat?

02:19:49.000 He played some concerts in America in the last couple years.

02:19:52.000 He did?

02:19:52.000 Yeah, he was a lot back recently.

02:19:53.000 Oh.

02:19:54.000 Who let him back in?

02:19:55.000 Obama the Muslim?

02:19:56.000 The fucking Muslim Obama!

02:19:58.000 The Kenyan?

02:20:00.000 It's an article in the New Yorker about his comeback from last year.

02:20:03.000 So last year he got let back in?

02:20:05.000 Yeah.

02:20:05.000 Wow.

02:20:06.000 Maybe a couple years ago.

02:20:07.000 So it was before Trump.

02:20:09.000 So it was probably one of Obama's last moves in office.

02:20:11.000 For sure.

02:20:12.000 Let him back in.

02:20:13.000 Come on, fuck him.

02:20:14.000 Fuck the Donald.

02:20:15.000 Let him back in.

02:20:16.000 We gotta go to our Cat Stevens show now.

02:20:18.000 Oh my god.

02:20:19.000 That would be amazing.

02:20:20.000 So within a year, maybe he won't come back now that Trump's president.

02:20:26.000 I mean, for money, he'll fucking go anywhere, I'm sure.

02:20:28.000 I think he was here last year, maybe, is the last tour.

02:20:30.000 That's the last tour.

02:20:31.000 It was last year.

02:20:32.000 Yeah, he's saying now that Trump is around, he probably won't come back.

02:20:35.000 That's so funny.

02:20:36.000 Where was he living?

02:20:37.000 Did it say where he was?

02:20:38.000 This doesn't say as specifically.

02:20:40.000 Yeah, he was on the fucking, he was on the lam.

02:20:42.000 That cat was gone.

02:20:42.000 Yeah, he's in Libya or some shit.

02:20:44.000 Fuck yeah.

02:20:44.000 A hold up in a compound.

02:20:45.000 In a cave and shit.

02:20:47.000 What a weird move, huh?

02:20:48.000 A guy who sings these like really peaceful songs.

02:20:51.000 The peace train.

02:20:52.000 This whole fucking shit was out of picking up people from coast to coast on the peace train.

02:20:57.000 Well, there's people that believe that Islam is the religion of peace.

02:21:01.000 Totally.

02:21:02.000 There's a lot of people believe in that shit.

02:21:04.000 So maybe he thinks he's on the path to peace and I think Islam is probably like every other religion, right?

02:21:12.000 There's factions of Christianity that are wonderful people.

02:21:15.000 Sure.

02:21:16.000 Really calm and sweet and loving and they get a lot out of it.

02:21:19.000 And then there's people that are just fucking loons and they're serpent handlers.

02:21:22.000 Maniacs.

02:21:22.000 Yeah, man.

02:21:22.000 Those fucking people.

02:21:24.000 Those Christians, those are my favorite Christians.

02:21:26.000 The ones with the snakes.

02:21:28.000 Yeah!

02:21:29.000 Hey, Jesus!

02:21:30.000 Protect me from the serpent!

02:21:32.000 Kiss the snake!

02:21:33.000 Kiss the snake!

02:21:34.000 My whole family has been serpent handlers since we was slaughtered.

02:21:37.000 We've been a part of the serpent culture.

02:21:40.000 Serpent.

02:21:40.000 We're serpent people.

02:21:41.000 And they use poisonous snakes, too.

02:21:43.000 Oh, yeah.

02:21:44.000 Wasn't there a documentary on serpent handlers?

02:21:46.000 I feel like there's a documentary that I have on my queue.

02:21:49.000 I have so much shit I'm supposed to watch that I'm just not gonna get around to.

02:21:52.000 Dude, I'm so behind, I gotta walk away.

02:21:55.000 I'm only in Wild Wild Country.

02:21:57.000 I'm only on episode four.

02:22:00.000 It's good, but it's slow.

02:22:01.000 Big chunks of slow.

02:22:03.000 Where you're like...

02:22:04.000 People say that it could have been done in three.

02:22:06.000 Could have easily.

02:22:07.000 There's a lot of drag out that you're like, didn't we go over this already?

02:22:10.000 But that's just them being like...

02:22:13.000 Come on, knees.

02:22:14.000 Come on, Netflix.

02:22:15.000 Netflix wants six.

02:22:16.000 I want six.

02:22:17.000 You want six?

02:22:18.000 I want six.

02:22:19.000 Netflix, they don't need any more fucking money.

02:22:22.000 They own Hollywood.

02:22:23.000 They're putting out 30 comedy specials just from Just for Laughs.

02:22:28.000 That's another thing that Bill sent me.

02:22:30.000 They won't even sniff one of my fucking farts.

02:22:32.000 I can't even fucking get near them for some reason.

02:22:35.000 Netflix wants nothing to do with me.

02:22:36.000 I don't know what the fuck their thing is with me.

02:22:39.000 Maybe I did something wrong years ago.

02:22:41.000 They're putting out so many specials.

02:22:43.000 I'm like, how come I can't get any of that?

02:22:44.000 They don't want to have anything to do with you.

02:22:45.000 I don't know.

02:22:46.000 But they probably haven't seen you.

02:22:47.000 You know, the thing is, man, I don't think they can keep up.

02:22:49.000 Yeah, no, I think there's too much going on.

02:22:51.000 I don't think they can keep up.

02:22:52.000 I don't think they have enough people.

02:22:53.000 I really don't.

02:22:54.000 I mean, I feel like there's so much comedy going on right now.

02:22:57.000 I know.

02:22:58.000 Have you ever seen more stand-up?

02:23:00.000 Never in my life.

02:23:02.000 It's overwhelming.

02:23:03.000 But there's a lot more shit comedy being put out than I've ever seen.

02:23:07.000 Or not shit comedy in terms of my opinion, in terms of like just comedy for the sake now of comedy that I'm like, this isn't a fucking well put together special.

02:23:16.000 People didn't take time for some of these things.

02:23:18.000 They're pumping them out.

02:23:19.000 Yeah, there's definitely that too.

02:23:21.000 And there's people that are taking advantage of an opportunity, right?

02:23:23.000 Somebody offers you a shitload of money.

02:23:24.000 You don't really have a set ready.

02:23:26.000 No, they just fucking want to do it.

02:23:29.000 That's one thing that happens with people when they start doing movies.

02:23:32.000 When you start doing movies, you're on a set 16 hours a day, and you don't really have enough time to write, and you're definitely not performing every night.

02:23:38.000 No way.

02:23:39.000 That is a crazy move, to be doing all these films and then do an hour special, when you barely have the material.

02:23:46.000 They can do 30, and they're pushing 30 on fun shit in between.

02:23:50.000 Maybe even 30, man.

02:23:52.000 Not even 30. Like a real rockin' sockin' robots 30?

02:23:57.000 No.

02:23:58.000 No, it's probably not a back-to-back 30, like bang, bang, bang, bang.

02:24:01.000 No.

02:24:01.000 It's more thin than that.

02:24:02.000 There's a lot of thin shit out there.

02:24:04.000 Louis said this to me once backstage, and I think he's right.

02:24:07.000 He's like, in order to do comedy, to really do it, you can't do anything else.

02:24:11.000 I mean, that's probably the only way to be the best at it.

02:24:13.000 Because you could do it, and you could do it good, but to be at your best, you really can't be doing anything else.

02:24:17.000 I believe that.

02:24:18.000 I believe that wholeheartedly.

02:24:20.000 Yeah.

02:24:20.000 I mean, you think you do a podcast, because a podcast is just talking.

02:24:24.000 No, this is exercise.

02:24:26.000 Yeah, this helps.

02:24:26.000 This is working out for working out at comedy to do a special.

02:24:32.000 Podcasting and comedic relationships and us still moving in whatever realm that is for comedy, if it's all branching for it, but other things...

02:24:39.000 Acting.

02:24:40.000 That takes totally away from it.

02:24:41.000 Yeah.

02:24:42.000 Because when I go do acting shit, I'm totally disconnected.

02:24:44.000 Yeah.

02:24:45.000 Comedy loses its breath for a while.

02:24:47.000 Well, what about when you were doing acting on I'm Dying Up Here?

02:24:50.000 I performed almost every night.

02:24:52.000 Right.

02:24:52.000 I didn't give a fuck.

02:24:53.000 I was burning the candle at both ends.

02:24:55.000 I didn't care.

02:24:55.000 Because you had to.

02:24:56.000 I love it.

02:24:57.000 Because I also know that I don't want to lose steps.

02:24:59.000 I was like, I don't want to fucking lose steps.

02:25:00.000 Yeah.

02:25:01.000 I care about acting.

02:25:03.000 Not as much as I care about stand-up.

02:25:04.000 Yeah, you care about it like, yeah, it's cool.

02:25:06.000 I like it a lot.

02:25:07.000 It's very fun.

02:25:08.000 But it's not your thing.

02:25:08.000 No, I'm in love with stand-up.

02:25:10.000 Acting is like, yeah, I like it.

02:25:12.000 I like it a lot.

02:25:13.000 It's very rewarding.

02:25:14.000 And I'm not disrespecting the art.

02:25:16.000 I'm just saying it doesn't do the same thing for me that stand-up does.

02:25:19.000 Right.

02:25:20.000 But if I don't go out at night and try to make sure I'm booking shows late, you definitely get disconnected.

02:25:28.000 People who do it know who they are.

02:25:30.000 They know when it happens.

02:25:31.000 Sure.

02:25:31.000 They'll pretend like it doesn't.

02:25:32.000 A lot of people that do sitcoms, too.

02:25:34.000 Sitcoms will do it to you, too, because you're on set.

02:25:36.000 It killed it for me, man.

02:25:37.000 When I was on news radio, there was a stretch where I was doing stand-up for a couple years where I wasn't writing any jokes.

02:25:44.000 Just doing the same shit?

02:25:45.000 I was doing the same shit, and I was getting disconnected with the jokes, and I was starting to bomb.

02:25:50.000 And then you hate them?

02:25:50.000 You hate the material?

02:25:52.000 Well, you talked to Jeff a couple days ago, and Garland, you know, he just goes and wings it all the time.

02:25:58.000 Yeah.

02:25:58.000 Because he loves it.

02:25:59.000 He doesn't want to fuck, because he's on set all fucking day.

02:26:01.000 Yeah.

02:26:01.000 So I don't know where he's finding time to write stuff anyway, because Jeff's like, no, I'd just like to have fun, because he doesn't have any time.

02:26:08.000 He's doing 50 things at once.

02:26:10.000 He doesn't have time to sit down and go, all right, let me try to pump out some new material.

02:26:13.000 He's not on a plane on the road.

02:26:14.000 He's on two shows, too.

02:26:15.000 Yeah, he's on two shows.

02:26:17.000 Hit shows.

02:26:18.000 Isn't it funny, too, he's saying that he doesn't want to do 15-minute sets?

02:26:21.000 I just do like an hour on Friday and sometimes an hour on Sunday.

02:26:24.000 I disagree with it, too.

02:26:25.000 I didn't understand it when he said I'm wasting my time to leave the house.

02:26:28.000 The first thing I said, I'm in my kitchen listening to it, and he goes, I'm not going to leave my house for 15 minutes.

02:26:31.000 I go, fucking Joe's sitting right across from you.

02:26:33.000 He leaves his house for fucking 15 minutes.

02:26:34.000 I did it last night.

02:26:35.000 Yeah, no shit.

02:26:36.000 I do it constantly.

02:26:36.000 What the fuck are you talking about?

02:26:37.000 Yeah, I... I think it's just a different breed of certain people are like that, that they're like, nah, I'm going to maximize that time and only do it at this chunk.

02:26:46.000 But certain people, you, me, that is the maximizing of the chunk of being like, if it's just 15, I'm going to make sure that 15 is...

02:26:54.000 He doesn't have bits, though, not the same way.

02:26:57.000 He's just a funny guy.

02:26:58.000 He rants and raves and talks about stuff.

02:27:00.000 He does improv.

02:27:01.000 Improvs, yeah.

02:27:02.000 But he doesn't have a chunk on lava lamps and a chunk on wristwatches.

02:27:07.000 He doesn't have that.

02:27:08.000 I'm going to open up with lava lamps.

02:27:11.000 That's not what he does.

02:27:12.000 Well, no.

02:27:12.000 He did a Fallon set a couple years ago.

02:27:16.000 Maybe it was a year or two years ago.

02:27:18.000 And it was all about lotion at the airport.

02:27:19.000 And that was the first time I'd seen Jeff do a bit.

02:27:22.000 Again, this is obviously no disrespect to Jeff.

02:27:25.000 I like Jeff.

02:27:25.000 Jeff's a great guy to me.

02:27:27.000 But what he does is, yeah, it's that.

02:27:28.000 It's much more like freeform.

02:27:30.000 But on Fallon, he did like a bit.

02:27:31.000 I was like, oh, that's like a bit.

02:27:32.000 And Jeff doesn't really do bits.

02:27:35.000 He doesn't chunk out bits.

02:27:36.000 He's like, if he finds a bit, it'll be great.

02:27:39.000 You know what I mean?

02:27:39.000 But he usually is just fucking around.

02:27:41.000 I watched him in Atlanta.

02:27:42.000 We were both playing Atlanta at the same time.

02:27:44.000 And he was just, he was shitting on like one of the other comics.

02:27:48.000 And it was hysterical.

02:27:49.000 He was just fucking around with the other comic, one of the other comics that went on before.

02:27:52.000 But that took up 15 minutes of him just fucking around.

02:27:55.000 Yeah.

02:27:55.000 And then got into like talking to them.

02:27:58.000 Yeah.

02:27:58.000 Well, he's loose.

02:27:59.000 Oh, so loose.

02:28:00.000 I mean, one of the funny things that he said was that he's so comfortable with just being funny.

02:28:04.000 Oh, and I have to tell Andrew Dice Clay, he was not disrespecting you, Dice.

02:28:09.000 Dice went on this whole rant about Fat Jeff giving him a hard time.

02:28:13.000 Yeah.

02:28:13.000 He thinks...

02:28:14.000 Because...

02:28:15.000 Garland was saying that it was Rick Rubin's idea to do The Day the Laughter Died.

02:28:19.000 And Dice is like, no, it was my fucking idea.

02:28:22.000 My fucking idea.

02:28:23.000 He got very upset.

02:28:24.000 He was very happy.

02:28:25.000 Did he get really mad?

02:28:26.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

02:28:27.000 Dice gets mad.

02:28:28.000 Like that, though?

02:28:29.000 Yeah, he gets mad.

02:28:29.000 Like, that's so strange.

02:28:30.000 Well, I know he got...

02:28:31.000 I know there was all sorts of...

02:28:35.000 Dice, Sebastian, weird, strange fucking beef.

02:28:38.000 Yeah, what happened there?

02:28:39.000 I don't know, dude.

02:28:40.000 It was like Sebastian...

02:28:41.000 Dice had said something online, I guess, on Instagram about Sebastian stealing his act or doing his shit.

02:28:49.000 Emulating him or something.

02:28:51.000 He was going after Sebastian for some fucking reason.

02:28:53.000 Sebastian's very original.

02:28:55.000 Dude...

02:28:56.000 He's him.

02:28:56.000 No one is Sebastian.

02:28:57.000 But that's who he is.

02:28:58.000 Well, I think Sebastian used to open for him, right?

02:29:01.000 Years and years and years ago.

02:29:03.000 If I'm not wrong, people will correct me.

02:29:04.000 I think you're right.

02:29:05.000 And I think maybe Dice felt like he's not giving him his due.

02:29:07.000 Yeah.

02:29:08.000 It's like Dice saying, like, I fucking raised you.

02:29:10.000 And you're not even going to kiss the ring a little bit?

02:29:11.000 Fuck.

02:29:12.000 Sebastian's, first of all, a grown-ass man who's built his own career completely on his own, and brilliantly so.

02:29:17.000 He doesn't know anybody's shit.

02:29:18.000 Wasn't it that he didn't talk about Dice in his book?

02:29:21.000 Perhaps.

02:29:22.000 That's probably the crux of it.

02:29:23.000 I think that's it.

02:29:24.000 It's layers.

02:29:24.000 For old friendships like that that have gone sour, maybe, it's layers.

02:29:28.000 It's that.

02:29:29.000 It's, why didn't you go to my fucking dinner party?

02:29:30.000 You know what I mean?

02:29:31.000 It's bullshit.

02:29:31.000 It's all bullshit piled up.

02:29:33.000 When you get a guy opening for you for years and then he's smashing it, selling out theaters everywhere.

02:29:38.000 Now he's a fucking superstar.

02:29:39.000 Yeah.

02:29:39.000 That's gotta feel weird.

02:29:40.000 Yeah.

02:29:41.000 It's gotta feel weird.

02:29:42.000 I'm envious of what Sebastian's done because Sebastian can kind of go anywhere.

02:29:47.000 Yeah, he does anything.

02:29:48.000 But, I mean, he's really successful, but he's also this weird kind of famous.

02:29:56.000 Well, he could, like, go to the movies.

02:29:57.000 He's famous.

02:29:58.000 He could go to restaurants.

02:29:59.000 Famish.

02:30:00.000 Famish, but he sells out tickets like he's mega famous.

02:30:03.000 Well, we talked about this when I was in Vegas.

02:30:06.000 I walked by.

02:30:07.000 Gaffigan was playing one of the arenas there and had a billboard up that said, you know, Jim Gaffigan, 28, 29, whatever.

02:30:13.000 And I was saying to the comic that I was with, I was like, isn't that funny?

02:30:17.000 That, like, if Gaffigan was just, like, walking through the casino, there's a good chance a lot of people just wouldn't see him see him.

02:30:22.000 Do you know what I mean?

02:30:23.000 They might.

02:30:24.000 But in that fucking arena, Sold out.

02:30:27.000 Five shows sold out.

02:30:29.000 Unmistakably famous in stand-up.

02:30:30.000 But he's the kind of guy that could go to Ralph's and you'd be like...

02:30:33.000 Someone would go...

02:30:35.000 Is that that guy?

02:30:37.000 Maybe he's not.

02:30:37.000 I don't know.

02:30:38.000 Do you know what I mean?

02:30:38.000 But even if you saw him, you'd be like, hey, Hot Pockets!

02:30:41.000 Hot Pockets!

02:30:42.000 Yeah.

02:30:43.000 Can I get a selfie, bro?

02:30:45.000 Can I get a selfie, bro?

02:30:46.000 Hot Pockets!

02:30:47.000 Come on, man!

02:30:49.000 I like going with you to watch how people ask you for selfies.

02:30:52.000 My favorite thing is when I'm with Joe and somebody asks me if they can take a picture of Joe.

02:30:56.000 If we're talking, hey, do you mind?

02:30:59.000 To me.

02:31:00.000 I'm not his fucking hand.

02:31:02.000 You're my handler, bro.

02:31:03.000 Why are you asking me?

02:31:05.000 That's so annoying to me.

02:31:06.000 Don't look at me, dude.

02:31:07.000 If you want to converse with a grown man, do it.

02:31:09.000 I'm not your through line to get to Joe.

02:31:12.000 Gaffigan's doing an interesting thing.

02:31:13.000 He decided on his own to not put his special on Netflix.

02:31:17.000 Yeah, why?

02:31:18.000 It was a conscious decision.

02:31:19.000 Because he felt like there's so many digital platforms on it, he was going to offer them on all the other platforms.

02:31:24.000 So he's got it on Amazon, he's got it on Hulu, he's got it everywhere.

02:31:28.000 Find out the places Gaffigan put out his special on.

02:31:31.000 I've seen the billboard and it mentions that on the bottom, it says available on all platforms.

02:31:35.000 Oh, I have seen that.

02:31:36.000 Amazon, it's every platform.

02:31:38.000 All platforms except Netflix.

02:31:38.000 Yeah, but I get that.

02:31:40.000 He stood out his whole career as being...

02:31:44.000 A clean...

02:31:45.000 You know what I mean?

02:31:45.000 I think this is another way of him being like, I'm also not grouped like that as well.

02:31:50.000 I think that he made...

02:31:52.000 The decision was that there was just so many other platforms available that he didn't want to limit it to Netflix.

02:31:57.000 Yeah.

02:31:57.000 And be one of the many on Netflix already, you know?

02:32:00.000 I mean, it might be actually a smarter, more lucrative move, although the access that people have probably isn't as good.

02:32:07.000 I just think Netflix is a global brand.

02:32:09.000 That's the problem.

02:32:10.000 It's so giant.

02:32:11.000 It's huge.

02:32:12.000 That's the thing.

02:32:13.000 Yeah, but if you have it on YouTube...

02:32:17.000 YouTube is probably bigger than anything, right?

02:32:20.000 More people watch...

02:32:21.000 YouTube has a bigger reach, but there's way more content on YouTube.

02:32:26.000 Right, but here's the other thing.

02:32:27.000 Who's watching YouTube on television at home?

02:32:31.000 There's a lot of kids that are doing it, because now YouTube TV is a big thing.

02:32:34.000 Right, but how many in comparison to watch Netflix?

02:32:37.000 I'm sure Netflix still owns that ass.

02:32:39.000 Netflix still owns that ass.

02:32:41.000 I would think about the mobile, though.

02:32:43.000 How many people watch Netflix on their phone?

02:32:45.000 A lot.

02:32:46.000 I think there's more people that watch it on their computer.

02:32:48.000 Well, according to Netflix, when I just did my special, they said half the people.

02:32:51.000 That's what it is on YouTube, too.

02:32:52.000 Yeah, half the people on Netflix watch it on their phone.

02:32:56.000 Well, look at it like this.

02:32:57.000 I've never pulled up YouTube on my computer.

02:33:00.000 I mean, rarely I'm saying.

02:33:01.000 I pull it on my phone every fucking day.

02:33:03.000 There's something on my phone that I'm looking up on YouTube.

02:33:05.000 Yeah, that's true.

02:33:06.000 Always, always, always.

02:33:07.000 Yeah, it's always on the phone.

02:33:08.000 Yeah.

02:33:08.000 And if I'm at the house, if I'm watching something on my phone and I'll flick it to my, you know, my Apple TV or whatever.

02:33:15.000 Yeah.

02:33:15.000 He'd put it in movie theaters for a day, too.

02:33:18.000 That's cool.

02:33:18.000 Really?

02:33:19.000 That's a fucking cool move.

02:33:20.000 Wow.

02:33:21.000 That's a bold move.

02:33:22.000 Well, how long is it?

02:33:24.000 70 minutes.

02:33:26.000 That seems, like, annoying to go to the movies for 70 minutes.

02:33:29.000 Yeah.

02:33:29.000 How about you have an opening act, you fuck?

02:33:31.000 Yeah.

02:33:33.000 He's got a warm-up guy that just stands up there.

02:33:35.000 I want a 90-minute show!

02:33:37.000 Come on!

02:33:38.000 When we were backstage last night, we were like, you know, because we had a lot of guys on the show last night, the Lane show.

02:33:42.000 We're like, this show's gonna go long.

02:33:44.000 We're like, fucking Scorsese movies are three hours.

02:33:46.000 That's right.

02:33:47.000 Match a Scorsese movie.

02:33:48.000 That fucking main room needs a new AC unit, though.

02:33:51.000 Fuck me.

02:33:52.000 I was sweating.

02:33:53.000 It was drenched.

02:33:53.000 I was soaked.

02:33:55.000 I had tit sweat.

02:33:56.000 When you gave me a hug, when I brought you on, I didn't want to hug you because my fucking shirt was stuck to my body.

02:34:00.000 Dude, mine was.

02:34:01.000 I did like 50 minutes.

02:34:03.000 I was totally drenched by the time I got off stage last night.

02:34:05.000 Yeah, they need to fix it.

02:34:05.000 Well, they are struggling with money over there.

02:34:07.000 It's a fucking money pit.

02:34:08.000 It's a money pit.

02:34:10.000 Isn't it crazy that that place used to be struggling for money and now they sold out two shows in the main room yesterday, show in the OR, show in the fucking belly room.

02:34:19.000 It was just people constantly running through that place last night.

02:34:22.000 Every room was sold out.

02:34:23.000 There's not a club like that on the planet Earth.

02:34:25.000 Nope.

02:34:25.000 Doesn't exist.

02:34:26.000 Well, that's what the dude who runs the social media was saying last night.

02:34:29.000 He was like, you gotta understand, like, Just for Laughs is going on right now.

02:34:32.000 This has a way better lineup.

02:34:34.000 Yeah, and when Just for Laughs used to go on at the store, it was like ghost town, ghost town.

02:34:40.000 It was like no comics were in town anymore, audience people weren't even coming out.

02:34:43.000 Now, Just for Laughs, you wouldn't even know what's happening.

02:34:45.000 Yeah.

02:34:45.000 There's still so many bangers in town, it doesn't even fucking matter.

02:34:48.000 Yeah.

02:34:48.000 It's just a weird time.

02:34:50.000 Weird time for stand-up.

02:34:51.000 Best time.

02:34:51.000 It's poppin'.

02:34:53.000 Yeah.

02:34:53.000 You know, I wonder what is the...

02:34:55.000 I mean, there's so many different...

02:34:56.000 You can't really have one factor.

02:34:58.000 There's not just one factor.

02:35:00.000 But there's the internet, for sure, is the underlying machine.

02:35:03.000 It's like, more people have access to stand-up comedy through YouTube and all these other different ways, and Netflix.

02:35:08.000 And then, on top of that, it's podcasts.

02:35:11.000 Like, comics get together, and those podcasts become a part of people's lives.

02:35:15.000 Their daily lives, their drive.

02:35:17.000 And then on top of that, the podcasts start talking about the store.

02:35:20.000 Like, everyone's talking about the store, the store, the store.

02:35:22.000 And then...

02:35:22.000 Because you go to the Laugh Factory tonight...

02:35:27.000 Yeah.

02:35:27.000 You hear crickets.

02:35:28.000 Someone there?

02:35:29.000 Tumbleweeds.

02:35:31.000 It's just different because the Laugh Factory doesn't have this same kind of talk that comics talk about the store.

02:35:37.000 The store is romanticized by comedians.

02:35:39.000 It's just like that.

02:35:40.000 It's that spot.

02:35:41.000 I mean, shit, when you look at the...

02:35:42.000 Go look at the Instagram for the comedy store.

02:35:43.000 Every time they put a line up, read almost every single comment will have someone go, fuck, man.

02:35:48.000 I wish I didn't live in XYZ. I would kill to be there.

02:35:51.000 Sure.

02:35:51.000 Crazy lineup.

02:35:51.000 And it's Wednesday.

02:35:52.000 It's Wednesday night, you know?

02:35:53.000 Thursday night.

02:35:53.000 And they're like, dude, if I could fucking pay for a flight, I would do it right now.

02:35:57.000 If I could afford it, I would kill.

02:35:58.000 We have this virtual reality thing, the HTC Vive.

02:36:01.000 You put the headphones on.

02:36:02.000 You ever seen that?

02:36:03.000 Yeah.

02:36:03.000 The headset.

02:36:04.000 You put the goggles on.

02:36:05.000 Earplugs.

02:36:06.000 They're gonna do stand-up in that thing.

02:36:08.000 100%.

02:36:09.000 100%.

02:36:09.000 There's no doubt.

02:36:10.000 I've been thinking about that a lot lately.

02:36:11.000 When you put that fucker on and you feel like you're in the room with that, like, that would be an amazing way to broadcast stand-up.

02:36:19.000 Into your living room.

02:36:20.000 Fuck yeah, you could be at the store.

02:36:22.000 So we're on your fucking couch just standing up.

02:36:25.000 It might even be better.

02:36:26.000 It might be kind of cooler.

02:36:28.000 Than actually being there?

02:36:29.000 Not cooler than being there.

02:36:31.000 No, being there is always going to be cooler, but cool in a unique, different way.

02:36:35.000 Well, I think it's just another add, right?

02:36:37.000 Like, to me, you're always going to want live performance, because we always have in the history of humanity, we love watching performance live.

02:36:43.000 Yeah.

02:36:44.000 And that's just another way for people to access who physically can't get there.

02:36:49.000 Yeah.

02:36:49.000 It's always going to be sexier to be there, because you feel like you're a part of it.

02:36:53.000 But to actually be someone in there in the virtual world, that will be just as, I mean...

02:36:57.000 For people that can't physically be here, I think that's as close as you can get.

02:37:00.000 That's the best you can get.

02:37:01.000 Well, when you're there, it's live.

02:37:03.000 It's just a different kind of thing.

02:37:05.000 No stand-up to me on tape has ever been as funny as it is live.

02:37:08.000 No, no, no, no.

02:37:09.000 Ever.

02:37:09.000 It's not even close.

02:37:11.000 The best you can hope on a television show is to just kind of capture a feel of it when you're doing a special for television.

02:37:18.000 What is this?

02:37:19.000 This is as close as they're getting right now.

02:37:21.000 Holy shit.

02:37:21.000 So this is like a virtual audience in like a almost like fake movie theater type situation and you're all watching the screen together.

02:37:28.000 Wow.

02:37:28.000 So you can look around and see people.

02:37:30.000 And you're watching the World Cup?

02:37:31.000 This was for the World Cup to start with.

02:37:34.000 What?

02:37:35.000 That's fucking crazy.

02:37:35.000 So you sit down and you feel like you're in awesome seats at the World Cup.

02:37:40.000 Yeah.

02:37:40.000 Wow.

02:37:41.000 And this is happening at the same time that a couple websites are starting what they're calling watch parties, where you watch videos with your friends together online at the same time.

02:37:49.000 And this is the actual World Cup.

02:37:51.000 This was for the World Cup.

02:37:52.000 Yeah, live.

02:37:53.000 So you actually watch the real game with those goggles on.

02:37:56.000 That's fucking amazing.

02:37:58.000 And you're fucking in the third row.

02:38:00.000 Look how good that looks, too.

02:38:02.000 And then look, you get the Hard Rock ad, so they can put ads up.

02:38:05.000 Well, that's where they're going to start making all their money.

02:38:07.000 Damn, that looks amazing.

02:38:09.000 Because, like, you know, you've seen a lot of sporting events, they use green screen on their ad scrolls.

02:38:12.000 Yeah.

02:38:12.000 So they can change for television.

02:38:14.000 I mean, that'll just be that.

02:38:14.000 It'll be the same thing.

02:38:15.000 Dude, how dope would that be for UFC fights?

02:38:17.000 Fuck.

02:38:19.000 Why doesn't HTC Vive, why doesn't the UFC do that?

02:38:22.000 Call him up, Jay!

02:38:23.000 Call him up!

02:38:23.000 They do do experimental things all the time, right?

02:38:25.000 That they try out, and they don't always use them.

02:38:28.000 Yes, yes.

02:38:29.000 But that seems like the best one.

02:38:31.000 Put those goggles on, and that way you could be in the cage.

02:38:34.000 You put a camera on the fucking guy who's the referee.

02:38:36.000 Put the ref, yeah, ref cam.

02:38:37.000 Put two shoulder cams, some...

02:38:39.000 Some hip cams.

02:38:40.000 Put cams all over them.

02:38:42.000 Cams circling.

02:38:43.000 Make him a camera.

02:38:44.000 Make the fucking ref a camera.

02:38:46.000 I used to do that in Pride.

02:38:47.000 In Pride they used to put a GoPro on the guys.

02:38:49.000 And you'd be able to see it from the ref cam.

02:38:51.000 But those are just shitty.

02:38:52.000 You'd have to get really good cameras.

02:38:54.000 They used to be shitty.

02:38:55.000 They're pretty goddamn good now.

02:38:56.000 No, I mean for VR, they gotta be really good cameras, right?

02:38:59.000 GoPros, they can get it now.

02:39:00.000 I mean, yeah, I think they probably could do it.

02:39:03.000 I bet someone could pull this off.

02:39:04.000 Are GoPros always with that fisheye lens?

02:39:07.000 Yeah, they've got to use some software to not have that if you would.

02:39:10.000 Because they're built like that.

02:39:11.000 They're built with the fisheye on it.

02:39:12.000 Always.

02:39:13.000 Why do they do that?

02:39:14.000 Just for perspective?

02:39:15.000 Field of view?

02:39:16.000 Because it's so small.

02:39:18.000 Because it was originally intended for extreme sports, and so that's always the best view in every extreme sport.

02:39:23.000 The fisheye looked great.

02:39:24.000 I think you're trying to recreate your eyes.

02:39:26.000 You have 180 degree or probably more than that.

02:39:29.000 Yeah, but it's not all distorted.

02:39:31.000 That's the problem.

02:39:31.000 Everything gets all stretched out and weird at the edges.

02:39:34.000 Technology of glass.

02:39:34.000 I don't think anyone's figured out that yet.

02:39:36.000 No, it's too hard.

02:39:37.000 Yeah.

02:39:38.000 But that's why they're not like that.

02:39:39.000 Like what 4K is inching towards of live broadcast in 4K is crazy.

02:39:44.000 They say 4K is more clear than the human eye can see.

02:39:48.000 There's elements to it that are clearer than what human eye can actually see.

02:39:51.000 And they're going higher than 4K now.

02:39:52.000 Yeah, man.

02:39:53.000 What are they doing now?

02:39:54.000 Aren't they doing something?

02:39:55.000 8K cameras.

02:39:56.000 What is that camera that you're getting?

02:39:58.000 That phone?

02:39:59.000 The red phone?

02:40:01.000 The Red, god damn it, I always forget the name of it, but it's a Red, so it's a cell phone.

02:40:05.000 Like with the Red, the camera, the Red technology?

02:40:07.000 So yeah, the company Red made a phone.

02:40:10.000 And explain Red, that it's like a super high-end camera they film movies with.

02:40:14.000 It's just for all high-end things.

02:40:15.000 I think their base started at like $20,000 or something like that.

02:40:18.000 That's just, that's not even the lens, that's just the physical fucking camera itself.

02:40:22.000 You're gonna buy like a $5,000 battery or not really, but so it gets really expensive.

02:40:25.000 But anyway, so this is supposed to be like a modular piece that's supposed to work with some systems they have coming in the future.

02:40:31.000 This like the base of the of the phone might connect to a camera or it might connect to a series of other things that might replace I think they actually said this has two cameras on the back.

02:40:41.000 So anyway, the other cool part of it is the display is holographic, which no one's actually seen yet because it's a new technology.

02:40:49.000 Like playback can be in the holographic.

02:40:50.000 Weren't they supposed to release this phone over a year ago?

02:40:52.000 They showed it a year ago.

02:40:54.000 And when did you buy it?

02:40:55.000 It's been on pre-order.

02:40:56.000 I think I bought it last about a year ago.

02:40:58.000 What did they clip you for?

02:40:59.000 How much were they?

02:41:00.000 It's the same price as an iPhone, like $1,200.

02:41:02.000 I just had to prepay it.

02:41:03.000 Yeah, you'd see to give them the money.

02:41:05.000 So you prepaid $1,200 so they can advance the technology.

02:41:07.000 They needed the money.

02:41:08.000 I imagine so, yeah.

02:41:09.000 We all paid for them to be able to...

02:41:10.000 Kickstarter type deal?

02:41:10.000 I think so, yeah.

02:41:11.000 But you're trusting Red because it's not, you know...

02:41:13.000 It's a...

02:41:14.000 Fly by night.

02:41:15.000 Right.

02:41:15.000 But they're also getting, I'm sure, tons of VC investors to keep pumping money to keep that going.

02:41:22.000 That's the kind of thing that the technology...

02:41:24.000 It's so far fucking ahead.

02:41:25.000 They're trying hard to get the hardware to a place where it works.

02:41:28.000 And when is it supposed to come out?

02:41:30.000 It's supposed to be shipped next month.

02:41:31.000 So in the next four weeks I should have it.

02:41:34.000 Some people, like there might be the testers, I would imagine some magical day, like they're not going to tell you, but like August 8th for instance.

02:41:40.000 Well, August 9th is when the Samsung Galaxy Note 9 comes out.

02:41:46.000 They got all these ads coming out now.

02:41:47.000 Apparently it's going to have the most storage of any phone, the biggest battery.

02:41:50.000 It's going to have 4,000 milliamp battery.

02:41:52.000 It's supposed to have insane cameras.

02:41:54.000 This is like Samsung's last hurrah with the Note.

02:41:58.000 And if the Note doesn't work this time, they're just going to stick with the Galaxy's.

02:42:01.000 Because the Galaxy S9 did not do well.

02:42:04.000 It didn't sell well, but it was an amazing phone.

02:42:06.000 But it was too close to the Galaxy S8. It wasn't much different.

02:42:10.000 It was just like an incremental step better.

02:42:12.000 As opposed to like, the iPhone X is kind of way better than the iPhone 7. You know, the 7 and 8. It's just like the shape is better.

02:42:21.000 The fact that all it has is this little tiny little notch at the top.

02:42:24.000 It's all screen.

02:42:26.000 It's a pretty dope camera.

02:42:27.000 I don't know who was talking about it.

02:42:28.000 I think it was maybe a comic, but they were like, man, if Steve Jobs was alive, that would have never been up there.

02:42:33.000 That notch?

02:42:34.000 No.

02:42:35.000 He was such a meticulous fucking dude.

02:42:37.000 Huawei has an amazing phone called the Mate R or the P20 Pro.

02:42:44.000 Huawei's the company that Trump is keeping from selling cell phones.

02:42:47.000 Yes.

02:42:48.000 And there was an article...

02:42:50.000 Here, I'll send it to you, Jamie.

02:42:51.000 There was an article that...

02:42:52.000 We were talking about this yesterday with Dr. Deborah So, and then there's an article on...

02:42:58.000 I think it's on BGR. Here, I'll send you this article right now.

02:43:03.000 But they were saying there's no reason why they shouldn't have this phone for sale.

02:43:08.000 Like, there's some fucking weirdness going on.

02:43:11.000 But this...

02:43:13.000 this one uh porsche design made their own version of it porsche design um made a mate 10 rs they call it like rally sport like their rent like the cars the cars like my uh gt3 yeah rs and they um they took away the notch like that notch like we're just gonna have a thin bezel on the top yeah then one on the bottom you can't have a notch no porsche designs like nope no no no But that's what I feel about with that guy.

02:43:40.000 I got mad at a guy at Apple and I said, they fucked me over on an appointment or something and I was being a dick.

02:43:44.000 And I go, you know if that guy was alive, this company would still be doing better?

02:43:47.000 And he was like, okay, that's mean.

02:43:49.000 And I was like, I'm just saying.

02:43:50.000 He said that's mean.

02:43:50.000 That's mean, yeah.

02:43:51.000 They took a tank when that guy died.

02:43:53.000 They definitely did.

02:43:54.000 Things have gone so down.

02:43:54.000 Their laptops are dog shit.

02:43:56.000 Dog shit.

02:43:57.000 They're so bad.

02:43:58.000 And they're getting beat now.

02:43:59.000 They're getting class action lawsuits about the keyboards fucking up.

02:44:02.000 Wow.

02:44:02.000 Hot new smartphone Trump tried to ban.

02:44:05.000 Dropped to its lowest price ever on Amazon.

02:44:07.000 But the problem is it's the best camera on any smartphone.

02:44:11.000 It has three cameras on the back.

02:44:13.000 It's fucking amazing.

02:44:14.000 40 megapixel camera.

02:44:16.000 Holy shit.

02:44:17.000 But the problem is it won't work on all bands in the United States because it's European design.

02:44:24.000 It's not built for the same.

02:44:26.000 It's only GSM, so you have to use it on AT&T or T-Mobile, but you can buy one.

02:44:33.000 Buy one for 800 bucks, but it's supposed to be the fucking shit, and the screen's amazing.

02:44:39.000 You've got to be able to jailbreak and manipulate those phones and make them easier to use.

02:44:42.000 No, because they're not designed for the same band.

02:44:44.000 See, it says right there you could buy it right now.

02:44:47.000 795 bucks.

02:44:49.000 But the thing is...

02:44:50.000 It's just, I don't think it works exactly the same.

02:44:53.000 I think if you have an AT&T phone...

02:44:55.000 Well, see, that's a SIM factory unlocked.

02:44:57.000 So you can use any international SIM on those.

02:44:59.000 Yeah.

02:45:00.000 But the problem is the radio, the frequencies that it picks up, it doesn't pick up the same, all the same bands that say like AT&T has or T-Mobile has.

02:45:10.000 Does not work with Sprint, Verizon, U.S. Cellular and other CDMA cameras.

02:45:14.000 Those are CDMA because it's a GSM phone.

02:45:18.000 Right.

02:45:18.000 But the thing they're saying is that even if you get a GSM network like AT&T or...

02:45:23.000 I'm going to have to ask one of the dudes that I know, like Lewis from Unbox Therapy or Flossie Carter, those guys that do those videos, they would know.

02:45:32.000 40 megapixel camera.

02:45:34.000 I think my first digital camera that I ever had was like five.

02:45:37.000 I think mine was one.

02:45:39.000 That's how fucking bad it was.

02:45:42.000 But back then I remember being like, look at these fucking crisp photos.

02:45:45.000 That point I was trying to make yesterday with the Wi-Fi, without making a phone call and dialing the numbers, there are so many other ways you could communicate with the people you need to communicate with and still make a phone call.

02:45:57.000 Yeah.

02:45:57.000 No, I understand the point you're making, but that point's not valid because the places where you can use that Wi-Fi, you also get signal that you could use that phone on.

02:46:06.000 The real issue is in the places where signal's sketchy, like weird rural areas.

02:46:11.000 Some guy from Mississippi tweeted me and said he's been doing it for years.

02:46:14.000 So what, he has no cell service, but just Wi-Fi?

02:46:16.000 No cell service, only a Wi-Fi phone.

02:46:18.000 He gets around and he's like, you could probably do it better in larger cities than I do in Mississippi, but I've been doing it for a long time.

02:46:23.000 Right, but so he's going off of like Starbucks Wi-Fi, or what's he doing?

02:46:27.000 Or your house, or like all the places you go to.

02:46:29.000 Well, I did that in Japan.

02:46:30.000 Right, but when you're in your car, If you have a car driving down a rural road, this is the point.

02:46:34.000 You're not going to get a service.

02:46:35.000 Nope.

02:46:35.000 You're not going to get Wi-Fi, and you're not going to get cell phone service.

02:46:38.000 But with AT&T or T-Mobile, they would have some service in these weird areas.

02:46:44.000 That's the only place where these phones would be a problem, is the weird areas.

02:46:46.000 Yeah, tough spots.

02:46:47.000 Yeah, in LA, it would work fine.

02:46:49.000 Yeah.

02:46:50.000 Yeah.

02:46:50.000 In those weird areas, there's more problems than just not being able to connect your cell phone.

02:46:55.000 Just problems being in the weird areas.

02:46:56.000 Exactly.

02:46:56.000 While you're there.

02:46:57.000 While you're there, bro.

02:46:58.000 Maybe you're hunting.

02:46:59.000 You know why I'm there, man.

02:47:00.000 Put your phone away.

02:47:01.000 I'm there fucking looking for pussy.

02:47:03.000 Wow.

02:47:04.000 Looking for forest pussy.

02:47:05.000 I look for obscure pussy.

02:47:06.000 I don't like pussy where everybody else goes.

02:47:08.000 You city pussy?

02:47:09.000 No, man.

02:47:09.000 I like low-density environments.

02:47:11.000 I like low.

02:47:11.000 I like to catch a gal out camping.

02:47:13.000 Mm-hmm.

02:47:14.000 Cut her up and eat her.

02:47:15.000 No!

02:47:16.000 Yeah, buddy.

02:47:17.000 Bring her my poetry.

02:47:20.000 Can I read you something?

02:47:21.000 Oh, is that the worst?

02:47:23.000 Somebody wanted to read you their poetry.

02:47:25.000 That might be the worst thing.

02:47:27.000 Other than, I want you to listen to my music and have a seat.

02:47:30.000 I'm going to play my music for you.

02:47:31.000 Nah.

02:47:32.000 Hey man, I'm going to jump out the window of this place.

02:47:34.000 Not even play the music, but play a recording.

02:47:37.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

02:47:38.000 You listen to my shit?

02:47:39.000 You listen.

02:47:39.000 Here, I'm going to put this record on.

02:47:41.000 Nope.

02:47:41.000 I made this record.

02:47:42.000 I got to go.

02:47:42.000 Where's your bathroom?

02:47:43.000 I'm leaving now.

02:47:44.000 Fuck out.

02:47:45.000 I did that.

02:47:45.000 That's really funny.

02:47:47.000 My buddy and I, we got kicked out of a party for being fucking rude and obnoxious, and this famous chick took us back to her place with her boyfriend, and we're all hanging out, and he's like, dude, let me put on my shit.

02:47:59.000 I'm not kidding.

02:48:00.000 He's playing his music.

02:48:01.000 My buddy's looking at me like, how are we going to get the fuck out of here?

02:48:04.000 I go, I got to go to the bathroom.

02:48:05.000 Went to the bathroom, left my buddy there, took off.

02:48:07.000 Ah!

02:48:07.000 Fuck them.

02:48:08.000 I did.

02:48:09.000 Fuck it.

02:48:09.000 I did.

02:48:10.000 I was like, I'm not listening to this bullshit.

02:48:11.000 I don't care if they're fucking famous.

02:48:12.000 I'm out.

02:48:13.000 I went home.

02:48:14.000 If you did that to me, I would cry laughing if you left me in that living room.

02:48:17.000 Fuck that.

02:48:18.000 And they were like, where's Andrew?

02:48:19.000 I'd be like...

02:48:20.000 Dude, he texted me like six times.

02:48:23.000 I didn't respond.

02:48:24.000 I was like, nope.

02:48:25.000 I would be howling laughing.

02:48:26.000 I'm howling, bro.

02:48:26.000 That motherfucker left me because you put on that music.

02:48:29.000 Bullshit-ass music.

02:48:30.000 I would have to say it.

02:48:30.000 You put on the music.

02:48:32.000 I think the music's great, but Andrew was like...

02:48:34.000 Throwing me under the bus.

02:48:35.000 He's a big music fan.

02:48:36.000 Yeah, he doesn't like that shit.

02:48:37.000 He can't handle it.

02:48:40.000 Alright, let's bring this bitch home.

02:48:42.000 Andrew Santino will be with me Saturday night in Temecula.

02:48:46.000 All day.

02:48:46.000 Pachango Casino.

02:48:47.000 Two shows.

02:48:48.000 Sold the fuck out.

02:48:49.000 Sold out hard, man.

02:48:50.000 Woo!

02:48:51.000 And next weekend, come see me in Philly.

02:48:53.000 If you're out in Philly, come see me next weekend.

02:48:55.000 I'll be there.

02:48:56.000 We had a good goddamn time at the Chicago Theater, too, bro.

02:48:58.000 Fuck yeah, man.

02:48:58.000 That was awesome.

02:48:59.000 And we're going Kansas City and St. Louis.

02:49:00.000 That's right, bitch!

02:49:01.000 Let's go!

02:49:02.000 Woo!

02:49:02.000 Kansas City, August 10th.

02:49:04.000 St. Louis is something other than August 10th.

02:49:07.000 It's the next day.

02:49:07.000 Figure it out.

02:49:08.000 JoeRogan.com.

02:49:09.000 Love you guys.

02:49:10.000 Bye.

02:49:10.000 Awesome.

The Joe Rogan Experience - July 27, 2018

Joe Rogan Experience #1148 - Andrew Santino

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