The Joe Rogan Experience - Joe Rogan Experience #1195

00:00:05.000 Aren't they making James Bond a woman?

00:00:07.000 I think they are making James Bond a woman.

00:00:09.000 I hope it's a black woman who's queer.

00:00:11.000 That's the only way for justice to be served.

00:00:13.000 And non-binary.

00:00:14.000 Yes, but what does that mean?

00:00:16.000 Her gender can switch throughout the film, depending on where she is.

00:00:20.000 Oh, that's non-binary?

00:00:21.000 Hmm.

00:00:22.000 Gender flux?

00:00:23.000 Gender fluid.

00:00:23.000 I thought that was gender fluid.

00:00:25.000 Gender fluid.

00:00:25.000 Sorry.

00:00:25.000 What's your pronoun today?

00:00:27.000 Uh, zur.

00:00:31.000 I've always wanted to have a Z in there.

00:00:33.000 Z's are cool.

00:00:35.000 Yeah.

00:00:36.000 Zorro.

00:00:37.000 Zorro's.

00:00:38.000 Zorro's.

00:00:39.000 I feel like Your Highness.

00:00:41.000 Oh, that's good.

00:00:42.000 That's a good one, right?

00:00:43.000 Yeah, that's good.

00:00:44.000 Yeah, Your Highness can be a guy or a girl.

00:00:47.000 Whoa.

00:00:48.000 Whoa, it's gender neutral.

00:00:51.000 Your Highness.

00:00:52.000 Now, if you said, I'm a princess, I would go, okay, well, you're gendering yourself.

00:00:56.000 That's true.

00:00:57.000 That's true.

00:00:57.000 And I refuse to do that.

00:00:58.000 I have two little boys and, you know, we force them to be gender neutral.

00:01:03.000 They don't play with rocks and stuff.

00:01:04.000 I was watching a show on that.

00:01:05.000 A legit show on that.

00:01:06.000 From Cambridge, this couple was raising their kid gender neutral.

00:01:11.000 They have two kids and they're both like wearing like whatever.

00:01:15.000 They're wearing like weird clothes.

00:01:17.000 Like, it didn't necessarily look like they were wearing boys' clothes or girls' clothes, and they didn't call them girls or boys.

00:01:22.000 They let them play with anything they wanted.

00:01:24.000 Yeah.

00:01:24.000 And they didn't call them boys.

00:01:26.000 What did they say?

00:01:28.000 It was fucking weird.

00:01:29.000 It was just some poor guy who's stuck with some crazy bitch.

00:01:33.000 Exactly.

00:01:34.000 And she's, you know, and he was probably trying really hard to be, like, progressive and, like, figure out a what, you know, how do we not gender our children and...

00:01:43.000 Yeah, and it's interesting you do that voice because they all do up-speak at the end.

00:01:47.000 Yes, they do.

00:01:49.000 To be enlightened.

00:01:50.000 Well, it's the only way to show you're progressive because if you notice, conservative people just don't talk like that.

00:01:58.000 No.

00:01:58.000 You need to stop the caravan before it gets to the wall.

00:02:03.000 Donald Trump is our savior because he's like the one who really appreciates like American values.

00:02:10.000 You never hear that.

00:02:12.000 It's a super liberal calling.

00:02:15.000 It is.

00:02:16.000 It is.

00:02:16.000 Oh, back to this non-binary.

00:02:18.000 We did a clip on your mom's house.

00:02:21.000 There was a couple somewhere in the Netherlands, and they had a three-year-old Zimzer child and another two Zimzers.

00:02:28.000 And every day they would ask the three-year-old, what gender do you feel like today?

00:02:35.000 And I'm like, yeah, I know.

00:02:37.000 Talk about the pressure.

00:02:38.000 And I'm like, I have an almost three-year-old.

00:02:40.000 I'm pretty sure he doesn't know.

00:02:42.000 He doesn't think in terms of, yeah, he's like, I don't know.

00:02:45.000 I'm whatever.

00:02:46.000 But to put the pressure, like, what are you today?

00:02:48.000 What are you feeling?

00:02:49.000 Yeah.

00:02:50.000 My eight-year-old loves to play with things like race cars, and she used to love to play with trucks, and she used to love to play...

00:02:59.000 She's a girl?

00:03:00.000 Yeah, she's my girlfriend.

00:03:01.000 She...

00:03:02.000 She's...

00:03:05.000 We're good to go.

00:03:28.000 I love it.

00:03:29.000 It's crazy to watch, like a little psycho-aggressive eight-year-old, but she's also really sweet, like the sweetest kid to everybody.

00:03:38.000 Just gets real competitive with that kind of stuff.

00:03:41.000 Yeah, they say that that's the magic age, eight, nine, and girls, and then where they're very confident.

00:03:49.000 It's like the end of the confidence era.

00:03:51.000 And then puberty strikes, and the hormones take over, and the pressure...

00:03:55.000 They start freaking out.

00:03:55.000 Yeah, to be sexy.

00:03:57.000 So Pippi Longstocking, that cool-ass character who was doing that shit, remember Pippi Longstocking?

00:04:02.000 Beating up cops.

00:04:04.000 She had like a treasure trove, so she was like...

00:04:07.000 She was a millionaire on her own.

00:04:09.000 Her dad was a pirate.

00:04:10.000 Really?

00:04:11.000 Hell yeah, dude.

00:04:12.000 Remember those old Pippi Longstockings?

00:04:13.000 I don't remember Pippi Longstockings very much.

00:04:15.000 I remember the name.

00:04:16.000 I don't remember the narrative.

00:04:17.000 Oh, she was great and it was subtitled poorly and her lips didn't match up with what she was saying.

00:04:22.000 It was on Channel 5 in LA every Sunday afternoon.

00:04:26.000 Where is it from originally?

00:04:36.000 Wow.

00:04:39.000 Wow.

00:04:49.000 There she goes.

00:04:50.000 She's got a monkey.

00:04:51.000 Hey.

00:04:51.000 Wow, she had a monkey.

00:04:53.000 I know you love monkeys.

00:04:54.000 I do love monkeys.

00:04:55.000 Is that a monkey and a scarf?

00:04:57.000 Yeah, dude.

00:04:58.000 She was bad.

00:04:58.000 She beat the shit out of people.

00:05:00.000 Wow.

00:05:02.000 But yeah, I think I play with boys stuff too because my dad, I was raised by a single dad somewhat.

00:05:09.000 So he gave me like a BMX dirt bike and I would ride it in the LA river, you know, and then I like dolls too.

00:05:16.000 And that's what makes a female comic.

00:05:17.000 So you might have...

00:05:20.000 Yeah, there's always something fucked up.

00:05:22.000 None of us are normal.

00:05:25.000 That's a fact.

00:05:26.000 Find one that is.

00:05:27.000 I never met one.

00:05:28.000 Who's normal?

00:05:29.000 Segura's my husband.

00:05:31.000 I'm sorry, Mr. Pajitsky.

00:05:34.000 Do you love that Garth Brooks is doing that?

00:05:36.000 Have you seen that?

00:05:37.000 It's hilarious!

00:05:38.000 It's fucking hilarious.

00:05:41.000 What is that?

00:05:42.000 I think it's somebody...

00:05:44.000 People don't know what we're talking about.

00:05:45.000 Okay, so Garth Brooks...

00:05:49.000 Who's infinitely talented.

00:05:51.000 I'm not saying the guy's not talented.

00:05:52.000 He's a mega, mega, mega star.

00:05:54.000 He started doing social media.

00:05:57.000 And it's as fucking strange as can be.

00:06:01.000 It's so strange.

00:06:03.000 Yeah, he doesn't quite know how to do it.

00:06:05.000 I think someone's telling him, like, hey, just be personable, be fun.

00:06:09.000 He just seems so weird, and Tom is, like, constantly on it.

00:06:13.000 Oh, yeah.

00:06:14.000 We make fun of him relentlessly when we're at his house.

00:06:17.000 It is non-stop.

00:06:18.000 Because he'll be like, hey, everybody.

00:06:21.000 It's me, Garth.

00:06:22.000 We're at Studio G. And he has a thing called Studio G. For Garth.

00:06:29.000 Garth.

00:06:31.000 Look, it's Studio G. Inside Studio G. Hey, y'all.

00:06:35.000 I'm selling cassette tapes.

00:06:38.000 Cassette tape.

00:06:40.000 Look at his audience.

00:06:41.000 He's doing some fucking giant ass places.

00:06:44.000 He really is.

00:06:45.000 And so he does these posts where he's like, it's Trisha's birthday.

00:06:50.000 That's his wife.

00:06:52.000 Everybody send her pictures of your favorite cupcakes.

00:06:55.000 Cupcakes.

00:06:56.000 Hashtag fun.

00:06:57.000 Hashtag Mr. Yearwood.

00:06:58.000 Hashtag you're it.

00:06:59.000 Yeah, I saw that.

00:07:00.000 Him doing the hashtag was rough.

00:07:03.000 Yeah.

00:07:04.000 What the fuck, Garth?

00:07:06.000 Yeah.

00:07:07.000 Your mom's house is a fun show.

00:07:09.000 Whenever I want just silly, I tune into you guys.

00:07:13.000 Thank you.

00:07:13.000 Because you rarely deviate from silly.

00:07:16.000 No.

00:07:16.000 You guys are just goofing off on shit all the time.

00:07:19.000 It's always completely preposterous.

00:07:21.000 And this new guy that you guys have been following, the try it out guy, what the fuck?

00:07:26.000 Can we play him?

00:07:27.000 Yes, we can play him.

00:07:28.000 Try it out.

00:07:29.000 Man, I'm so glad you said that.

00:07:31.000 This guy's real?

00:07:32.000 This is a real guy?

00:07:33.000 A thousand percent real.

00:07:35.000 A thousand percent.

00:07:36.000 And by the way, we loved you on Your Mom's House.

00:07:39.000 You fit right in.

00:07:40.000 Thank you.

00:07:40.000 And I hope you come back.

00:07:41.000 I would love to.

00:07:42.000 I'll do it anytime.

00:07:43.000 Please.

00:07:44.000 Well, we're all in the neighborhood.

00:07:45.000 Yeah, I know, right?

00:07:46.000 We're all close by.

00:07:47.000 Yeah, it's only about farts and dicks and guys who don't know how to ask for a lady's affection properly.

00:07:54.000 Well, you also find people online that are just the most preposterous people.

00:07:58.000 So this is the guy.

00:07:59.000 Give me some volume of this guy.

00:08:00.000 I think this is the right clip.

00:08:03.000 I hope it's not edited.

00:08:04.000 He's looking for love.

00:08:06.000 There's also on, if you type in, try it out.

00:08:08.000 I'm looking for hardcore guys to come to my shows.

00:08:11.000 I know, I know, I know.

00:08:15.000 So play this guy.

00:08:17.000 If you're a hot black guy, you want to fuck me at 23.95.

00:08:21.000 If you want to move in, you can move in, but you gotta fuck me.

00:08:24.000 I need to be fucked a lot, man.

00:08:27.000 Free food, free rent, and everything else, man.

00:08:29.000 Here's a deal, man.

00:08:31.000 Men from jail, homeless, or you're a thug, you want to come move in?

00:08:36.000 Your friend can move in with you too, man.

00:08:37.000 Free rent, you get a lease and a key.

00:08:39.000 Fuck me.

00:08:40.000 Piss on me.

00:08:41.000 Beat me.

00:08:41.000 I'm home now.

00:08:42.000 You see me?

00:08:43.000 Wanna come over today and try it out?

00:08:44.000 Try it out, man.

00:08:45.000 If you're in my building, try it out.

00:08:47.000 If you wanna fucking piss on me, try it out.

00:08:48.000 Seriously, try it only.

00:08:49.000 Let's fuck, man.

00:08:50.000 I'm looking for hardcore guys.

00:08:52.000 I mean it, wanna do it, and I wanna deliver it.

00:08:54.000 I'm a hot, fought by trash.

00:08:56.000 Come dump, let's fuck.

00:08:59.000 Hot white trash cum dump.

00:09:01.000 Let's fuck.

00:09:02.000 Oh my god.

00:09:04.000 You gotta see them folks just listening.

00:09:06.000 You gotta see this guy.

00:09:08.000 The fucking sincerity in his eyes when he's saying these things.

00:09:12.000 He needs to get laid.

00:09:14.000 Watching your face watch the try it out guy.

00:09:17.000 Well, it's probably my favorite thing in life.

00:09:19.000 What did I do?

00:09:20.000 It was like a look of like, oh, like it made you sad.

00:09:24.000 Did it?

00:09:24.000 Did it make you, do you feel like it made you sad?

00:09:27.000 Yeah.

00:09:28.000 How'd you feel inside?

00:09:29.000 I didn't feel sad.

00:09:30.000 It's weird that I looked sad.

00:09:32.000 Maybe I'm hiding that I'm sad to myself.

00:09:35.000 Maybe.

00:09:36.000 Yeah, I'm hiding it from myself.

00:09:38.000 But this guy really needs it, and he really puts it out there.

00:09:41.000 Try it out.

00:09:42.000 You want to piss on me?

00:09:43.000 Try it out.

00:09:45.000 I'm a white trash cum dump.

00:09:47.000 Like, whoa, buddy.

00:09:48.000 Yeah, anybody.

00:09:49.000 Men from jail, black guys.

00:09:52.000 There's an animated version of it.

00:09:54.000 Yeah, so it started a flurry of animated tried-out guys, and then people started to submit their own takes.

00:10:01.000 There's Tommy doing tried-out.

00:10:06.000 That's so stupid.

00:10:09.000 That's so stupid.

00:10:11.000 Give me some volume.

00:10:13.000 I don't care.

00:10:14.000 I need to be fucked a lot.

00:10:17.000 Free food, free rent, and everything else, man.

00:10:20.000 Here's a deal, man.

00:10:21.000 Men from jail, homeless.

00:10:23.000 You're a thug.

00:10:24.000 You want to come?

00:10:25.000 Move in?

00:10:26.000 Your friend can move with you too, man.

00:10:28.000 Free rent, you get a lease and a key.

00:10:29.000 Fuck me.

00:10:30.000 Piss on me.

00:10:31.000 Beat me.

00:10:32.000 What did he say there?

00:10:35.000 Rewind it just a little bit, Jamie.

00:10:36.000 He goes, piss on me.

00:10:40.000 What's that?

00:10:42.000 What do you think he's saying?

00:10:43.000 That's a good question.

00:10:44.000 One more time.

00:10:46.000 Fuck me.

00:10:47.000 Piss on me.

00:10:48.000 Beat me.

00:10:49.000 What is he saying?

00:10:53.000 We have to go through that like the Zapruder film.

00:10:56.000 Well, what do you hear?

00:11:01.000 That just didn't seem like a word to me.

00:11:04.000 Ho man out.

00:11:05.000 Ho man out?

00:11:12.000 Right?

00:11:13.000 What does that mean?

00:11:17.000 Ho a man out is one potential...

00:11:22.000 Maybe that's it.

00:11:26.000 Could be anything.

00:11:33.000 Maybe it's another language.

00:11:34.000 If we were working for the government and we're trying to decipher a tape, we have to find out where the kidnapper is being held.

00:11:42.000 We have to strip the audio.

00:11:44.000 I hear a train in the distance.

00:11:46.000 We'd be audio experts in a room somewhere.

00:11:49.000 We've got it!

00:11:50.000 We've got it!

00:11:50.000 Hole man out.

00:11:52.000 Hole man out.

00:11:53.000 Hole man out.

00:11:54.000 Hole man out!

00:11:56.000 He's a prostitute!

00:11:58.000 It could be, or it could be, I'm home here now.

00:12:02.000 Because he gives out his address.

00:12:03.000 He goes, I'm a 2395...

00:12:06.000 And we cut it out.

00:12:11.000 Anyway, huge debate in the Moms House community.

00:12:20.000 There's no final answer on that.

00:12:22.000 You'd have to talk to him.

00:12:23.000 Have you reached out to him?

00:12:25.000 We've tried, yeah.

00:12:26.000 Where is he?

00:12:27.000 There's a few Your Mom's House stars.

00:12:28.000 I believe in, oh my gosh, maybe on the East Coast somewhere.

00:12:34.000 He's on the East Coast?

00:12:35.000 I don't sleep very much.

00:12:36.000 Yeah.

00:12:37.000 We've reached out to him.

00:12:38.000 You got baby brain?

00:12:38.000 Yeah.

00:12:39.000 I'm three months deep in the game, bro.

00:12:41.000 I'm going crazy.

00:12:43.000 Him and King Ass Ripper won't respond.

00:12:45.000 And we've reached out with offers of money.

00:12:47.000 Really?

00:12:47.000 They won't do it.

00:12:48.000 And it's so weird.

00:12:49.000 It's always the ones we want the most, but never quite...

00:12:51.000 The King Ass Ripper would be just farting in your room, though.

00:12:54.000 Farting.

00:12:55.000 Oh, yeah.

00:12:55.000 Would you want that?

00:12:57.000 I'd like to talk to him.

00:12:58.000 I'd like to know.

00:12:59.000 He would just start farting in the room.

00:13:00.000 That's what he does, right?

00:13:01.000 He just farts all the time.

00:13:03.000 Yeah.

00:13:03.000 But I'm curious, what's the drive?

00:13:05.000 He's clearly not driven by sex because that's really repellent to women.

00:13:10.000 Yeah, but maybe for him, it's a turn-on.

00:13:14.000 To fart.

00:13:15.000 Yeah.

00:13:17.000 Even though it's probably disgusting to women, maybe for him it's a turn-on to be disgusting.

00:13:22.000 Ah, the repulsion thing.

00:13:24.000 So she's like, oh my god, you're so nasty.

00:13:27.000 And then she's...

00:13:28.000 Yeah, there's like some boys who were spanked for shitting their pants and stuff when they were young, they developed this weird thing about shit, like being naughty, and they even connect like sexually being naughty with shit and farts and things like that.

00:13:45.000 Right, the fetish.

00:13:46.000 They say that's how the fetish starts, right?

00:13:48.000 Chris Ryan was trying to explain it to me one day, Dr. Chris Ryan from Sex at Dawn, the book, and he was saying that there's an imprinting stage in young men's lives where, like, even a young man that's not gay,

00:14:04.000 like, say, during this imprinting stage when they're very young, if they get their dick sucked by a guy and they orgasm, they could potentially get turned on by a guy sucking their dick, even if they're not gay.

00:14:16.000 Because it's imprinted on them at a very early age, like by them getting molested at an early age, it fucks with their sexual, like what in their mind is considered sexual pleasure.

00:14:29.000 Yeah, I can see that.

00:14:31.000 The wires get crossed early and then maybe you're attracted and repulsed at the same time to a man and then you're like, I don't know if I'm gay or I kind of want to do this, but I don't want to do this.

00:14:41.000 You were molested, but yet you're also turned on.

00:14:44.000 Yeah.

00:14:46.000 Shame.

00:14:46.000 A lot of shame, I'm sure, attached to that, too.

00:14:49.000 Oh, for sure.

00:14:50.000 Yeah.

00:14:51.000 And a lot of anger.

00:14:52.000 You know, what's really strange is when you go back through history, how often men were having sex with young boys.

00:15:01.000 I know.

00:15:02.000 The Greeks loved to do that.

00:15:04.000 Yeah.

00:15:04.000 Romans.

00:15:05.000 Yes.

00:15:06.000 Greeks.

00:15:06.000 Many, many different ancient civilizations thought it was normal for men to have young boys as, you know, as sex partners.

00:15:18.000 Yeah.

00:15:18.000 Crazy.

00:15:19.000 Fucking strange.

00:15:20.000 Yeah, and then the Christians, right?

00:15:22.000 And the Christians come along, and they're like, wait a minute.

00:15:25.000 We'll show you how to do this.

00:15:27.000 We've got to do this only with priests.

00:15:29.000 Then you've got to move them around.

00:15:31.000 Only the elite get to rape children.

00:15:34.000 Yeah, it's interesting.

00:15:35.000 It is crazy.

00:15:36.000 To this day, my most shocked that I ever am when people get upset at me is when I shit on Catholicism.

00:15:43.000 Is when I shit on child molesting.

00:15:44.000 I'm like, are we pretending that this shit isn't happening constantly?

00:15:49.000 Right.

00:15:50.000 I mean, if they were anything else, like say it was the NBA. If the NBA was traveling around just fucking kids.

00:15:56.000 Right.

00:15:56.000 They're playing basketball.

00:15:58.000 Right.

00:15:58.000 Yeah, but they're fucking kids.

00:15:59.000 Like, who would say, yeah, but man, they're playing good basketball.

00:16:03.000 Right.

00:16:03.000 They're fucking dunking.

00:16:04.000 Right, right.

00:16:04.000 They lay up three-pointers from the outside.

00:16:08.000 They are playing some serious basketball.

00:16:10.000 And sometimes they fuck some kids.

00:16:12.000 All I typed in was Catholic priests.

00:16:13.000 And there's three different stories in three different spots.

00:16:17.000 Buffalo Catholic diocese.

00:16:19.000 How do you say that?

00:16:20.000 Diocese.

00:16:21.000 New list of priests accused of sexual abuse.

00:16:24.000 It's fucked up.

00:16:25.000 Yep.

00:16:25.000 Catholic priests react to clergy sex abuse meeting with Bishop Malone.

00:16:29.000 Catholic priests removed from ministry in Oklahoma.

00:16:32.000 This is just one day's worth.

00:16:34.000 And then there was that thing in Philadelphia that was just last month where, was it, a thousand different kids had been molested by these priests?

00:16:43.000 Right.

00:16:43.000 Yeah.

00:16:44.000 A thousand different children in Pennsylvania.

00:16:46.000 Like, what in the fuck, folks?

00:16:49.000 But why are they protected from law?

00:16:51.000 Like, I know, because in the church, you said they move them around, right?

00:16:54.000 Yeah.

00:16:54.000 The archdiocese or whoever goes, yeah, that guy's a pedophile, let's just move him to a different thing.

00:16:58.000 They're protected because people believe in God.

00:17:01.000 They're protected because people believe in Christianity.

00:17:04.000 Yeah, and they don't want to attack priests because they feel like that's an attack on the church, and they feel like there's going to be blowback politically, and they're worried about it because people have this need for church.

00:17:16.000 Mm-hmm.

00:17:16.000 And they're terrified if someone comes along and says, hey, we're going to do, like, as the international community is going to do a full-scale investigation into the Catholic Church, and we're going to lock people up.

00:17:26.000 That's the reason why the Vatican is its own country.

00:17:29.000 Yeah.

00:17:29.000 You know, the Vatican, you have to have a fucking passport.

00:17:31.000 It's an actual country.

00:17:33.000 Right.

00:17:33.000 It's a separate entity.

00:17:34.000 Yeah.

00:17:35.000 It's a little tiny-ass place filled with kid fuckers.

00:17:37.000 Like, if you looked at the per capita kid fuckers of people in the Vatican, you'd be like, oh, my God, it's a nation of kid fuckers.

00:17:46.000 It's so fucked up.

00:17:47.000 It's crazy.

00:17:48.000 And they're untouchable.

00:17:49.000 Well, for now.

00:17:51.000 Eventually people are going to realize how irrelevant a lot of these ancient fucking cults actually are.

00:17:57.000 They are cults.

00:17:58.000 Whether you believe in God or not, those are cults.

00:18:01.000 They're ancient cults.

00:18:02.000 Whether you believe in the scripture or not, the Catholic Church is clearly a cult.

00:18:07.000 And it's a cult that I was a part of.

00:18:09.000 I mean, I went to Catholic school.

00:18:11.000 My family was Catholic.

00:18:12.000 Yeah, me too.

00:18:13.000 I've been around it my whole life.

00:18:14.000 Nobody ever molested me in the church, but I got lucky.

00:18:17.000 I know I got lucky.

00:18:18.000 I know people that got molested.

00:18:19.000 I have friends that told me stories about being chased by priests, and I have friends that told me stories about a guy that they knew that got molested.

00:18:27.000 Like, damn, he got him.

00:18:28.000 He got him.

00:18:29.000 Like, they knew about this priest, and he got one of their friends.

00:18:32.000 Oh my god.

00:18:33.000 And this is just all across the country and the numbers that went to justice, so small.

00:18:39.000 So small in comparison to the actual acts.

00:18:42.000 It's really crazy that people would get upset at you saying this.

00:18:46.000 Like, it's crazy.

00:18:47.000 Right, like, let me defend my pedophile priest.

00:18:50.000 Like, I love this guy.

00:18:51.000 Like, why are we still invested in this?

00:18:54.000 And you know what happened ever since I had kids, too?

00:18:56.000 I kind of see the world a lot differently.

00:18:59.000 You know, before I had children, I was like, sure, you know, No, God could exist.

00:19:02.000 I'm spiritual.

00:19:03.000 And now I'm like, I just got to defend my children from the fucking evil and insanity of this world and its jungle law.

00:19:11.000 And like, I don't know.

00:19:13.000 I'm not spiritual, really.

00:19:15.000 Well, people can go bad, for sure.

00:19:18.000 There's something about people that...

00:19:21.000 When it goes wrong, you know, for whatever reason, people can go bad.

00:19:25.000 They can go bad serial killer style.

00:19:27.000 They can go bad rapist style.

00:19:29.000 I mean, how many guys are out there dropping pills into girls' drinks?

00:19:31.000 Still.

00:19:32.000 Still.

00:19:33.000 Still.

00:19:34.000 A hundred percent is happening all across the country, all across the world, all the time.

00:19:39.000 There's just fucking disgusting human beings.

00:19:42.000 There's bad people out there.

00:19:44.000 And there's people that got fucked over and they want to pay people back.

00:19:47.000 You know, they're upset.

00:19:49.000 They're upset that they got a shit deal.

00:19:51.000 Yeah.

00:19:52.000 And they want other people to suffer.

00:19:53.000 Yeah, it's traumatized people, right?

00:19:55.000 Doing all this shit.

00:19:57.000 Traumatized people.

00:19:58.000 There's definitely some of that.

00:20:00.000 Yeah, but that makes me also, too, like, I always laugh at the anti-bullying stuff.

00:20:07.000 Like, I'm not pro-bullying, clearly, but it's such a misguided effort to try to completely eradicate the world of bullet.

00:20:15.000 We're going to stop it.

00:20:15.000 Like, no, you're not, dude.

00:20:17.000 Because you have to stop stupid if you're going to stop the bullying, because stupid people have kids.

00:20:21.000 They don't raise the kids well.

00:20:22.000 Those kids are angry because they have stupid parents, and they're being abused at home, and then they hit...

00:20:27.000 So what you can do is teach your kid, you know, to not be a victim and to fucking kick a guy in the nuts, but now we don't teach that to children, to defend yourself.

00:20:36.000 And then your kid would be the problem.

00:20:38.000 Right!

00:20:38.000 You'd have to show a reason to express violence.

00:20:42.000 God damn it.

00:20:43.000 Yeah, there's a time for violence.

00:20:46.000 And that time is when you're defending yourself because someone is fucking with you.

00:20:50.000 And if you don't do something, they're going to do something to you.

00:20:53.000 There's times when no one's there to save you.

00:20:55.000 That's real.

00:20:56.000 And if you don't teach your kids that, they're going to be real confused if that moment does arise.

00:21:01.000 They're going to look around for someone to save them and there's no one there.

00:21:04.000 Exactly.

00:21:04.000 And that's very unfortunate.

00:21:06.000 No one wants it.

00:21:07.000 No one wants that to be the case.

00:21:09.000 Fuck no.

00:21:10.000 But it is the case.

00:21:10.000 It's reality.

00:21:12.000 If you just surround a bunch of bad people and you hope that nothing goes wrong, that's not an effective way to prepare yourself for what could happen.

00:21:23.000 Mm-mm.

00:21:24.000 Mm-mm.

00:21:25.000 That's the thing about having kids, right?

00:21:27.000 You start thinking of the world as being this danger-ridden place.

00:21:31.000 It becomes a different world.

00:21:32.000 It's a fucking cesspool.

00:21:34.000 Mm-hmm.

00:21:35.000 Yeah.

00:21:35.000 And especially with the internet, now you can see exactly who's crazy.

00:21:39.000 Before, you were like, I don't know.

00:21:40.000 People are generally okay.

00:21:41.000 And then you see the fucking try-it-out guy, and you're like, oh, my God!

00:21:45.000 Come on, piss on me.

00:21:45.000 Beat on me.

00:21:46.000 Try it out.

00:21:47.000 Bring your friends.

00:21:48.000 They can live here too.

00:21:49.000 You get a thug?

00:21:51.000 He's like, you're asking for thugs to fuck him and piss on him.

00:21:54.000 But you get a lease and a key.

00:21:55.000 Yeah, but he also wants him to beat him.

00:21:57.000 Beat me up.

00:21:58.000 Piss on me.

00:21:59.000 That's the problem.

00:22:00.000 Like, how much of that do I have to do?

00:22:01.000 Do I have to fuck you or can I just go over and kick your ass?

00:22:05.000 He'd take anything at this point.

00:22:06.000 Imagine?

00:22:07.000 He would take it.

00:22:07.000 There's a guy, you can go over his house and just fuck him up.

00:22:10.000 There is!

00:22:11.000 But I don't know.

00:22:11.000 $23.95?

00:22:12.000 Yeah, but once you punch him a couple times, he's going to go, fuck me in the ass.

00:22:15.000 Like, no.

00:22:16.000 No, I'm just going to beat you up.

00:22:17.000 I'm just here for the beating.

00:22:18.000 I'm just here to fuck you up.

00:22:20.000 Have you ever...

00:22:22.000 I mean, not at that level, but...

00:22:24.000 Lately on Your Mom's House, we've been featuring desperate dudes who are making videos like this to try to court a lady or a gentleman, but maybe kind of misguided.

00:22:40.000 Like that.

00:22:41.000 Yeah.

00:22:42.000 Try it out.

00:22:43.000 Come piss.

00:22:43.000 Whatever.

00:22:44.000 Whatever.

00:22:44.000 I'm fucking horny.

00:22:45.000 Like, we know you're horny, bro.

00:22:47.000 You can't just come out and say, I'm really horny.

00:22:50.000 Come and fuck.

00:22:51.000 Yeah.

00:22:51.000 Maybe with other dudes.

00:22:52.000 Yeah.

00:22:53.000 Like, but a woman's not going to respond.

00:22:55.000 Yeah.

00:22:55.000 Women.

00:22:56.000 That's why playgirl didn't really work.

00:22:58.000 No.

00:22:59.000 Fuck.

00:22:59.000 We don't want to look at dicks.

00:23:01.000 That playgirl was for dudes, right?

00:23:03.000 Yeah.

00:23:03.000 It was for gay guys.

00:23:05.000 Of course.

00:23:06.000 What were those dating services like in the 80s?

00:23:08.000 I mean, it was like a joke on MADtv or SNL where you'd pass tapes and you'd make a video dating profile.

00:23:16.000 Did that ever work or was it only creepy guys too?

00:23:20.000 This I don't know.

00:23:21.000 Yeah, people that needed dating services back in the 80s, those people were losers.

00:23:26.000 Yes.

00:23:27.000 I mean, most people just found somebody, okay?

00:23:31.000 In a bar.

00:23:31.000 You just go somewhere like a normal fucking person.

00:23:33.000 You meet people, you fucking weirdo.

00:23:35.000 But nowadays, it's way more common because of like Tinder and normal folks do it.

00:23:41.000 Chris Rock was talking about being on dating apps.

00:23:43.000 Chris Rock's on dating apps.

00:23:44.000 He does it?

00:23:45.000 Well, I think he has a girlfriend now.

00:23:46.000 But for a while, yeah, he was on dating apps.

00:23:49.000 And someone was like, why would you do that?

00:23:51.000 You're Chris Rock.

00:23:52.000 He goes, because I'm Chris Rock.

00:23:54.000 He was joking around about it.

00:23:55.000 He's like, that's a great way to meet him.

00:23:57.000 Now they know who I am.

00:23:58.000 Bam!

00:23:58.000 That's right.

00:23:59.000 And there's like celebrity ones, right?

00:24:01.000 Like you just- Yes.

00:24:02.000 Just exclusive to celebrities.

00:24:04.000 Yeah, there's some celebrity one where you're just dating gold diggers.

00:24:07.000 Yeah, right.

00:24:08.000 Just girls who want to get famous, future reality stars, future housewives of Beverly Hills.

00:24:13.000 Those fucking crazy bitches.

00:24:15.000 So my mother, her second husband, they met on a dating ad in the back of like an Indian newspaper.

00:24:23.000 My mother liked Indian guys.

00:24:26.000 Indian like- Like from Punjab.

00:24:30.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:24:31.000 I almost answered you in Hungarian.

00:24:33.000 Yes.

00:24:34.000 And so she put an ad.

00:24:35.000 She's into Indian guys or something?

00:24:36.000 Loved Indian men.

00:24:37.000 So her thing was she believed that Indian men were more educated overall.

00:24:42.000 She liked them.

00:24:43.000 I liked them.

00:24:43.000 Tall, dark, and handsome.

00:24:45.000 She was a Hungarian lady.

00:24:47.000 And she just thought that they had more money and more smarts.

00:24:53.000 Money.

00:24:53.000 My leg money.

00:24:54.000 And she wanted to be wifed up and taken care of.

00:24:57.000 Wifed up.

00:24:57.000 So she put an ad in the back of the Indian newspaper.

00:25:00.000 She said, buxom European woman looking for...

00:25:04.000 Was it wealthy, you know, Indian guy for marriage?

00:25:08.000 Dude, we got a bag of letters.

00:25:10.000 Like a bag from every Indian dude in LA County.

00:25:13.000 And he sent a picture of himself in an Armani suit.

00:25:16.000 This is like 1989. With his Mercedes and the old school cell phones.

00:25:20.000 Like that big ass one.

00:25:21.000 Nice.

00:25:21.000 And she was like, that's the one.

00:25:23.000 They're married one month later.

00:25:24.000 That's my boy.

00:25:26.000 That's my boy.

00:25:26.000 That's my boo right there.

00:25:27.000 He's got that fucking cell phone.

00:25:29.000 Yeah.

00:25:29.000 Got that brick from the Wall Street movie.

00:25:32.000 Yes, bro.

00:25:33.000 Totally.

00:25:34.000 I remember Michael Douglas walking around with that brick on the beach like, damn, he's bawling so hard.

00:25:39.000 He's talking to people.

00:25:40.000 He didn't give a fuck about his cell phone bill.

00:25:43.000 He's just talking to people on that beach.

00:25:46.000 Yeah.

00:25:46.000 Did you have one of those?

00:25:47.000 Remember in your car, the old school?

00:25:49.000 I had one that was in the car.

00:25:50.000 It was connected to the car.

00:25:52.000 It was like permanently in the car.

00:25:54.000 It was on the floor.

00:25:55.000 It was bolted in and then I could make a phone call from them.

00:25:58.000 They didn't even have a speakerphone.

00:25:59.000 I could talk while I was driving a speakerphone.

00:26:03.000 A 1988 Honda CRX. Okay.

00:26:06.000 That was a little tiny thing.

00:26:07.000 There it is.

00:26:08.000 There's Michael Douglas.

00:26:09.000 I didn't have one of those.

00:26:10.000 That was too baller for me.

00:26:11.000 Yeah, dude.

00:26:12.000 I think mine I could take out and put in a suitcase, too, if I remember correctly.

00:26:17.000 Yeah, that's pretty dope.

00:26:18.000 Maybe not.

00:26:19.000 Maybe another one.

00:26:20.000 Maybe I got another one afterwards.

00:26:21.000 It was a suitcase one.

00:26:23.000 Dude, my dad had a Jag in the 80s, and he had like a tiny TV put in on the radio.

00:26:29.000 They had tiny little square televisions, black and white, and I could watch cartoons on the way to school.

00:26:34.000 And I was like, in the future, we're all going to have TVs in our cars.

00:26:38.000 Dude, my kids zone the fuck out when they get in my car.

00:26:43.000 Because...

00:26:44.000 My Lexus has these things in the backseat where there's like a little iPad on the back screen.

00:26:50.000 They can watch a screen.

00:26:52.000 It's like a 10-inch screen on the back headrest.

00:26:54.000 So they watch movies.

00:26:56.000 For kids, those rear entertainment systems, if you have a long trip, like you've got to drive to San Francisco, that's three movies.

00:27:04.000 Oh, yeah.

00:27:05.000 That's all that is.

00:27:06.000 That's great.

00:27:06.000 That's three movies.

00:27:07.000 What do you guys want to watch now?

00:27:08.000 Are you guys hungry?

00:27:08.000 Who has to pee?

00:27:09.000 We gotta pee?

00:27:10.000 Pull over.

00:27:10.000 There's no fighting.

00:27:12.000 They're just watching movies.

00:27:13.000 Otherwise, it would be, she's touching me with her feet!

00:27:16.000 Stop it!

00:27:17.000 Stop touching me!

00:27:19.000 I can't wait for all that.

00:27:21.000 Yeah, it's great.

00:27:22.000 I can't wait.

00:27:22.000 It's fascinating.

00:27:24.000 And then you see other people's really shitty handiwork in terms of the way they're raising their kids.

00:27:30.000 Like, oh my goodness.

00:27:31.000 Tell me about it, because I have a three-year-old and a three-month-old, so I'm just now in kind of the preschool, and I see other parents, and I'm like...

00:27:39.000 This is what you gotta be careful of.

00:27:40.000 You gotta be careful of the parents that like to go to parties and they leave their kid outside with other kids and they go inside and drink.

00:27:47.000 And they don't watch their kid at all.

00:27:49.000 That sounds like me.

00:27:50.000 It's usually boys.

00:27:51.000 People have boys.

00:27:52.000 And the boys usually wind up hitting kids.

00:27:55.000 And what's going on is that kid is not getting any fucking attention and not getting any parental guidance and they're just loose and wild.

00:28:02.000 And I've had this incident happen more than once but one of them egregiously where this kid hit both of my kids and one of them more than once and the parents are still inside drinking.

00:28:14.000 Hell no.

00:28:15.000 Pulling hair.

00:28:16.000 Hell no.

00:28:17.000 And they're little.

00:28:17.000 They're like six.

00:28:18.000 And they're like, yo man, you gotta watch your kid.

00:28:20.000 He's aggressive.

00:28:21.000 Oh, he's a good kid.

00:28:22.000 He's always a good kid.

00:28:23.000 You don't even know you're in here drunk.

00:28:25.000 Your kid's out there jumping around in a fucking trampoline, beating kids in the head, stepping on their hair.

00:28:30.000 Literally, the kid was like a little aggressive kid.

00:28:33.000 Called another kid a loser and pushed him.

00:28:35.000 Call him a loser.

00:28:36.000 What kid calls someone a loser?

00:28:38.000 Someone who gets called a loser at home.

00:28:40.000 Yes.

00:28:40.000 Well, someone's calling someone a loser in front of that kid.

00:28:43.000 Six-year-old calling people losers.

00:28:46.000 And every now and then I see the parents.

00:28:48.000 I'm like, Jesus Christ.

00:28:49.000 I just got to get the fuck away from them.

00:28:51.000 I had to have a conversation with the dad and he's trying to tell me his kid's a good kid.

00:28:55.000 I'm like, okay, your kid's a good kid.

00:28:56.000 I tell him, your kid pushed the kid and called him a loser.

00:28:59.000 That didn't happen.

00:29:00.000 Oh, it didn't happen.

00:29:02.000 Alright, man, I don't know what to do other than what I want to do, which is freak out.

00:29:06.000 I want to freak out and start yelling at you, you fucking asshole, you drunk piece of shit.

00:29:11.000 You're not even paying attention to your kid.

00:29:13.000 You got a bad kid.

00:29:14.000 You got a kid that you haven't been paying attention to.

00:29:16.000 These are older people, and they had a kid late in life.

00:29:20.000 Here they are, barely paying attention.

00:29:22.000 One kid, not really into it.

00:29:24.000 Just roam.

00:29:25.000 Just let them roam.

00:29:26.000 Yeah, that ain't cool.

00:29:27.000 Especially, yeah, little boys.

00:29:28.000 You got a lot of that.

00:29:29.000 You got to rein that shit in.

00:29:32.000 You know what else you're going to get?

00:29:33.000 You're going to get kids that have cell phones at like six years old.

00:29:36.000 Yeah, I've heard this.

00:29:36.000 And then these little fucking sluts send your boys titty pics.

00:29:41.000 And then my boy's accountable if he sends it to another kid.

00:29:44.000 Yep.

00:29:44.000 It's child pornography.

00:29:45.000 God damn it.

00:29:45.000 Those dirty little sluts.

00:29:47.000 Now how am I going to stop these hoes?

00:29:49.000 I've got to stop the boys.

00:29:50.000 Well, you're definitely going to stop the boys from sending pictures.

00:29:52.000 Tell them about the law.

00:29:54.000 And definitely tell them no pictures of your dick.

00:29:57.000 Don't do it.

00:29:57.000 I don't even know who's doing it as an adult, sending your dick to a fucking...

00:30:02.000 I don't know who's not.

00:30:02.000 I know, but that's the thing.

00:30:03.000 It's only one way to find out.

00:30:04.000 Because how long have you been with your lady now?

00:30:07.000 Long enough to not send her any dick pictures.

00:30:10.000 I've never...

00:30:11.000 If I send her dicks, it's other people's.

00:30:13.000 What do you think of that?

00:30:15.000 Do you get sent dick pics?

00:30:16.000 No.

00:30:17.000 No.

00:30:18.000 Except from Tom.

00:30:19.000 Tom will send me one every now and then.

00:30:22.000 Or Red Band or Segura.

00:30:25.000 Yeah.

00:30:26.000 I think that that is one of the most misguided things ever.

00:30:31.000 Like the random dick pic the guys that don't even know a girl will send.

00:30:35.000 That's the thing, too.

00:30:36.000 It goes back to what women don't want.

00:30:39.000 I'm pretty sure we're not like, sweet cock, get over here.

00:30:42.000 But then also, if a girl just sends you a picture of her pussy, like, whoa, how many people is she sending that picture to?

00:30:48.000 If you could go through her phone, and if there's a record of how many times that picture's been sent...

00:30:55.000 A girl sends pussy pictures, she's sending them to everybody.

00:30:59.000 She's just scattershot, just shooting them out into the cosmos.

00:31:03.000 Just bang, bang, bang.

00:31:05.000 Someone's gonna be into it.

00:31:07.000 Some chick, that's the thing, he does it because it's worked.

00:31:11.000 Somebody's gonna be like, oh yeah, that's the one.

00:31:15.000 How many...

00:31:15.000 There's so many thirsty girl pages of girls sticking their butts out, girls in underwear.

00:31:23.000 There's so many of those pages, like thirst traps.

00:31:26.000 But there's not that many for guys.

00:31:28.000 There's like a few guy bodybuilder type thirst.

00:31:31.000 I've got some.

00:31:32.000 Yeah?

00:31:32.000 I'll show you after.

00:31:34.000 Show me right now.

00:31:34.000 Well, they're people.

00:31:36.000 They're real people.

00:31:37.000 Oh, they're real humans.

00:31:37.000 Yeah.

00:31:38.000 They thirst traps like dudes looking for dick or dudes looking for girls.

00:31:43.000 The ones I've seen, we'll do it off mic.

00:31:48.000 There's a few choice ones.

00:31:49.000 Good for you for being kind and not outing these losers.

00:31:53.000 Yeah.

00:31:56.000 Well, my favorite trap, though, is the girl that puts it out there.

00:32:00.000 And then when the guys are like...

00:32:03.000 Nice tits!

00:32:05.000 Have some respect.

00:32:06.000 Right, and then they get mad, like, don't just look at me for my tits.

00:32:09.000 Like, well, bro, you kind of...

00:32:11.000 It's not the reaction you were kind of looking for.

00:32:14.000 It's like, you put your boobs out there.

00:32:16.000 I mean, I don't do that because I don't want people to write that stuff, you know?

00:32:21.000 It's kind of not on my agenda.

00:32:24.000 Yeah.

00:32:24.000 Well, they want a very specific reaction, which you don't necessarily...

00:32:28.000 You're not entitled to a specific reaction.

00:32:30.000 You're entitled to nothing.

00:32:32.000 You get reactions.

00:32:34.000 You're entitled to nothing.

00:32:35.000 I like this distinction.

00:32:36.000 You put photos of your tits and your ass on the internet, you're not entitled to anything.

00:32:40.000 You're not entitled to respect.

00:32:42.000 You're not entitled to anything.

00:32:43.000 No.

00:32:44.000 And I want to give away your bit, but you discussed Megyn Kelly.

00:32:47.000 You can give it away.

00:32:48.000 It's already out.

00:32:49.000 Right.

00:32:49.000 Okay.

00:32:49.000 I just didn't know.

00:32:50.000 Some people haven't watched it yet, which is an amazing special.

00:32:54.000 Yeah, but she's on a news channel.

00:32:57.000 Yeah.

00:32:58.000 Not dressed like a news person.

00:33:00.000 Wearing a vagina curtain.

00:33:01.000 Yes!

00:33:01.000 Yeah.

00:33:02.000 You know, I have a friend who I didn't know this until after the special came out.

00:33:06.000 She came up to me and said that she used to work with Megyn Kelly at Fox News.

00:33:10.000 She used to, like, be one of her assistants.

00:33:12.000 And she was like, she would tell the wardrobe people to make the dresses shorter.

00:33:16.000 No.

00:33:17.000 She's like, that's too long.

00:33:18.000 Make that dress shorter.

00:33:19.000 Wow.

00:33:20.000 Well, she knew that she, but she was cute.

00:33:21.000 She knew what she was doing.

00:33:25.000 I wish I could.

00:33:26.000 She was so hot back then.

00:33:28.000 I mean, she's still a beautiful woman, but goddamn, during like 10, 15 years ago, she was a fucking smoke show.

00:33:36.000 Mm-hmm.

00:33:38.000 Look, man, she's a gorgeous woman, and I don't hate on women for being pretty.

00:33:43.000 I don't hate on them for fucking using it either.

00:33:45.000 I don't hate on Arnold Schwarzenegger for being a bodybuilder.

00:33:49.000 Depending on how you present yourself, that's kind of what you're going to get.

00:33:53.000 You're not entitled to any specific reaction.

00:33:57.000 You're going to get reactions, and people are entitled.

00:34:00.000 Look, as long as they're not Like, threatening you or, you know, physically doing anything to you.

00:34:08.000 What they're doing is reacting to what you're putting out.

00:34:11.000 They don't have any obligation to react a way that you would like.

00:34:14.000 No.

00:34:15.000 No.

00:34:15.000 Not at all.

00:34:16.000 Oh, look, tits and ass.

00:34:17.000 I like to jizz in those ass, tits and all your mouth.

00:34:21.000 Hey!

00:34:21.000 I'm a person!

00:34:23.000 Yeah, okay.

00:34:23.000 Not right now.

00:34:24.000 Well, right now you're a picture on my phone that I'm jerking off to.

00:34:27.000 Like, what's wrong with you?

00:34:29.000 You don't, you don't...

00:34:32.000 Yeah, I guess I never led with that.

00:34:38.000 Listen, I'm just as thirsty as that bitch.

00:34:44.000 In a sense, we're strippers too.

00:34:47.000 Comedians are fucking strippers.

00:34:49.000 We want the attention, but I don't want it for this.

00:34:51.000 I'd prefer to get it for my mind or whatever it is I'd prefer to get it from.

00:34:57.000 Well, it's a difference, right?

00:34:59.000 The stripper thing comes from, for sure, a variety of different places.

00:35:04.000 There's definitely women that are strippers that are doing it just because they're pretty, and it's a good way to make a lot of money.

00:35:10.000 It's a great way to make a lot of money fast, from what I understand.

00:35:13.000 Nothing wrong with it.

00:35:14.000 But there's also ones that are doing it because they have an exorbitant need for attention.

00:35:21.000 An extraordinary need for sexual attention.

00:35:24.000 And a lot of them have been molested.

00:35:26.000 And that's more the case with porn stars, apparently.

00:35:32.000 There was some crazy study on porn stars where they were going over just, you know, they did like a random survey and went to them and asked them how many of them have been molested.

00:35:44.000 And it was like 9 out of 10. It was like some crazy number.

00:35:47.000 It's like when you're watching people fuck on camera and, you know, A lot of people watch it.

00:35:54.000 I mean, I would imagine the vast majority of males specifically watch porn, watch some kind of porn.

00:36:02.000 And you're essentially watching the product of either a completely sexually liberated woman who likes doing that, which is possible.

00:36:11.000 Sure.

00:36:11.000 Allegedly.

00:36:12.000 Dr. Drew doesn't believe it's possible at all.

00:36:14.000 Can I tell you something?

00:36:15.000 Yeah, I... I've heard this argument, the empowerment.

00:36:18.000 I read a book even from a woman who said, yes, it's from an empowerment angle.

00:36:23.000 She'd gotten into an Ivy League school and wanted to pay for it.

00:36:25.000 It definitely exists in the world.

00:36:28.000 However, in my experience and estimation, I would say it's likely molested.

00:36:35.000 That's what you...

00:36:36.000 I mean, it's possible, right?

00:36:38.000 It's possible.

00:36:38.000 It's not probable.

00:36:39.000 Right.

00:36:40.000 So if you're a woman out there that's a sexually liberated person who enjoys doing porn and you don't have any molestations in your past, you're getting upset right now.

00:36:48.000 I can hear the tweets right now.

00:36:50.000 I hear them.

00:36:50.000 We acknowledge that you exist.

00:36:52.000 I'm not trying to diminish your perspective, but it's an odd thing that that leads to all this sex.

00:36:59.000 And then it's also an odd thing when you look at the sheer volume of people fucking for a living.

00:37:05.000 It's a lot of porn.

00:37:07.000 It's a lot of porn.

00:37:08.000 And I have to say, it can't be that lucrative anymore because of the internet.

00:37:12.000 I used to have a joke about it where I was like, I need to bring it back and figure out how to do it correctly because I kind of abandoned it.

00:37:17.000 But the premise was, who's seen all the porn?

00:37:21.000 Like, why are they making new porn?

00:37:23.000 Is there anybody who's like, I've run out of porn.

00:37:25.000 Like, what are you guys doing?

00:37:25.000 You fucking?

00:37:26.000 You sucking?

00:37:27.000 Everybody's fucking and sucking.

00:37:28.000 Are you just looking to beat off or are you wasting your whole life with super specific scenes?

00:37:35.000 No, I want doggy style and I want to be able to see her feet.

00:37:39.000 The back of her feet.

00:37:40.000 I want her toes in a certain position.

00:37:43.000 Take a break.

00:37:45.000 Take a week off, bro.

00:37:46.000 But apparently there is a need for it because they're making it and people are consuming these niche lanes, right?

00:37:54.000 Well, I think it has to do with the fact that people are always ramping up.

00:37:58.000 And if you give a person a car that has 150 horsepower, they want a car that has 200 horsepower.

00:38:04.000 And then next year, that car better be faster.

00:38:06.000 And the year after that, it better brake better.

00:38:08.000 And the year after that...

00:38:09.000 And they were constantly trying to get that new charge.

00:38:12.000 Like the iPhones, too.

00:38:13.000 Yeah, and so if it's just regular sex, okay, wow, I can't believe I'm watching this regular sex.

00:38:17.000 Well, I'd like to see it in HD. Okay, why don't you come in her face?

00:38:20.000 Okay, stick it in her ass and then come in her face.

00:38:23.000 Whoa, now we're getting crazy.

00:38:24.000 And this is where it all goes, like ass to mouth and gagging.

00:38:28.000 Oh, I hate the gagging.

00:38:29.000 All that crazy shit comes from people watching so much porn that just regular stuff's not doing it anymore.

00:38:35.000 They want a girl to be smacked.

00:38:37.000 They want snot to come out of her mouth and tears to come out of her eyes.

00:38:41.000 Just, oh!

00:38:42.000 They want all that stuff.

00:38:44.000 That's what they want.

00:38:45.000 I don't fucking get it, but it's this psychological trait that people have, this ramping up.

00:38:54.000 The bigger, better deal.

00:38:56.000 Constantly wanting something more extreme.

00:38:58.000 Look at violent movies today.

00:39:00.000 Joey and I were talking about The Exorcist the other day, which is extremely violent.

00:39:04.000 I heard that discussion.

00:39:06.000 Terrifying movie for the time, but today it would be so boring.

00:39:09.000 Yeah, wasn't he talking about the girl, Linda Blair, who played?

00:39:13.000 Yeah.

00:39:13.000 And he was like, that chick's fucked up now, dog.

00:39:15.000 There's no way.

00:39:15.000 He was taking crucifixes in your pussy and you know them all now.

00:39:19.000 Yeah, that was great.

00:39:20.000 God, he always has the best take on shit, right?

00:39:22.000 He's true, though.

00:39:23.000 Yeah, you're right, actually.

00:39:24.000 But it is true.

00:39:25.000 I think Linda Blair was kind of fucked up from that, admittedly.

00:39:29.000 Of course.

00:39:29.000 I mean, she was like 12 years old doing that movie, ramming a cross in her pussy.

00:39:34.000 Of course.

00:39:34.000 Fuck me, Jesus.

00:39:35.000 Fuck me.

00:39:36.000 Jesus, fuck me!

00:39:37.000 Remember that scene?

00:39:38.000 Yes!

00:39:39.000 It traumatized me.

00:39:40.000 And it was blood.

00:39:41.000 You could hear the meat sound.

00:39:43.000 I know.

00:39:44.000 And the puking of the green shit.

00:39:47.000 Yes!

00:39:48.000 And you forget how slow that movie is.

00:39:50.000 Like, watch it now and the pacing of it, you're like, holy, let's get to something, you know?

00:39:54.000 Right.

00:39:54.000 Because now it's...

00:39:55.000 I don't even watch this shit now, scary movies, but...

00:39:58.000 Yeah.

00:39:58.000 It's way more...

00:39:59.000 Did you see the new Halloween?

00:40:01.000 No, I didn't, but I heard it was good.

00:40:02.000 Yeah.

00:40:03.000 Who saw it?

00:40:03.000 Tony.

00:40:04.000 Tony Hinchcliffe loved it.

00:40:05.000 Yeah?

00:40:05.000 He said it was awesome.

00:40:06.000 He said she's a badass, and she's...

00:40:08.000 Jamie Lee Curtis is, like, preparing for when he returns.

00:40:11.000 She lives in a compound...

00:40:12.000 She's got fucking guns and shit, and she's like locked and loaded, ready to fuck up Michael Myers if he comes out of the grave again.

00:40:19.000 I love it.

00:40:19.000 Like that Terminator chick.

00:40:21.000 Remember when she was working out waiting for him?

00:40:23.000 I forget the names of everybody.

00:40:24.000 Yeah, Linda Hamilton.

00:40:25.000 I have a millennial babysitter who works for us, and I was like, hey, did you know that Jamie Lee Curtis was a hermaphrodite?

00:40:33.000 And she goes, it's intersex now.

00:40:36.000 And I was like, oh, yeah.

00:40:38.000 Intersex.

00:40:39.000 But is that true about Jamie Lee Curtis?

00:40:41.000 My gynecologist says it is true, yes.

00:40:44.000 My gynecologist might be a piece of shit.

00:40:47.000 Allegedly, I don't know.

00:40:47.000 Imagine if she actually knew.

00:40:49.000 It's like, yeah, tell everybody.

00:40:51.000 Yeah, go tell everybody.

00:40:52.000 I saw it.

00:40:52.000 It's a guy, and he says, yeah, that she in fact was, and they cut off the peener, and yeah.

00:40:59.000 But she was so hot.

00:41:00.000 When she was young, she was hot.

00:41:01.000 Gorgeous, stunning, statuesque.

00:41:04.000 Yeah.

00:41:04.000 Gorgeous woman.

00:41:06.000 Big ol' meat hangers.

00:41:08.000 Big ol' sloppers.

00:41:09.000 The problem with the real titties is when you have a couple of kids and you breastfeed, then they turn into sloppy hangers, which is what I got.

00:41:18.000 I gotta do something about it later on.

00:41:19.000 What are you gonna do?

00:41:20.000 You gonna fill them up?

00:41:21.000 I'm not gonna fill them up.

00:41:22.000 I'm gonna get them lifted and just put in the same place they were and maybe reduced even.

00:41:27.000 Reduced.

00:41:28.000 Yeah.

00:41:29.000 I don't like big old titties.

00:41:30.000 It's no fun when you really have them.

00:41:32.000 I had an ex who had big old titties.

00:41:35.000 She was born with them and they were so bad.

00:41:37.000 But when I met her, she had already had a breast reduction.

00:41:40.000 She still had pretty big old titties.

00:41:42.000 But she just was, you know, she had like double F's just naturally.

00:41:46.000 Those are big.

00:41:47.000 Yeah.

00:41:48.000 But they were also like, it was so annoying because it's all guys would see.

00:41:51.000 Yeah.

00:41:52.000 These big giant tits coming their way.

00:41:54.000 Yeah.

00:41:56.000 Poor girl.

00:41:57.000 Yeah, she said she had back problems too.

00:41:59.000 Oh yeah, I do a lot of Pilates to strengthen the back to keep my tits up.

00:42:05.000 Keep them tit hanging strong.

00:42:06.000 Jesus, yeah, you gotta keep them up.

00:42:07.000 Gotta keep the frame that holds the tits.

00:42:09.000 That's right.

00:42:10.000 Keep all that frame locked up and in place.

00:42:12.000 There's nothing like that for dudes, right?

00:42:14.000 Where the kid's too big.

00:42:15.000 No dudes are out there getting dick reductions.

00:42:17.000 That's true.

00:42:19.000 You know what dudes do get, though?

00:42:21.000 What's that?

00:42:22.000 Here's the thing, man.

00:42:24.000 I turned on TV once, just a couple months ago, and just stumbled upon this show called Botched.

00:42:32.000 Yes, I like this.

00:42:32.000 This is on the E-Channel.

00:42:34.000 Yes.

00:42:34.000 Is it on the E-Channel?

00:42:35.000 I'm pretty sure.

00:42:36.000 Bravo, maybe?

00:42:37.000 Maybe, yeah, one of these, you know.

00:42:39.000 What is it on?

00:42:40.000 It seems more Bravo because it's super gay.

00:42:42.000 I know.

00:42:43.000 I love it though.

00:42:44.000 There's this one guy who was helping the guy that got surgery.

00:42:52.000 And the guy who was helping the guy who got surgery.

00:42:54.000 One guy was getting surgery because he got his pec replaced.

00:42:57.000 He had a pec problem.

00:42:59.000 That seems crazy to me.

00:43:00.000 Well, he was actually...

00:43:01.000 He had some sort of an accident where he lost his pec.

00:43:04.000 Of course.

00:43:04.000 And so they gave him a pec implant.

00:43:06.000 Now I'm the asshole.

00:43:07.000 Which seemed pretty normal.

00:43:08.000 He looked better.

00:43:09.000 He was pretty happy.

00:43:10.000 But the guy who he was working with...

00:43:14.000 I don't know what relationship they had in this scene, whether this guy was the doctor or what it was.

00:43:20.000 This guy was like a plastic man.

00:43:24.000 Like his forehead was locked down.

00:43:26.000 It wasn't going nowhere.

00:43:27.000 It was Botoxed to the oblivion.

00:43:29.000 He had cheek shots and his facial fillers.

00:43:33.000 His eyebrows had been done.

00:43:35.000 He had fake tan.

00:43:37.000 He had...

00:43:37.000 Yeah, that's him.

00:43:38.000 There you go.

00:43:39.000 That's the guy.

00:43:40.000 Definitely heterosexual.

00:43:41.000 Well, whatever he is, he has all these implants.

00:43:45.000 He has implants in his chest and implants in his biceps, and he was doing all that to look good.

00:43:51.000 But he was joking around about how even though he has all these implants, he's still not strong, so he couldn't do a chin-up.

00:43:57.000 I'm like, this is so crazy.

00:44:00.000 But he was the one that was helping the other guy through plastic surgery.

00:44:06.000 He was helping the other guy.

00:44:07.000 The other guy who had a problem with his pec implant.

00:44:10.000 The other guy came out normal.

00:44:12.000 He just had a pec problem and then filled it in and then it looked like, oh yeah, look at the guy.

00:44:17.000 He's got two pecs now.

00:44:20.000 It's so sad.

00:44:21.000 That show is insane.

00:44:22.000 You see these people that get this sort of, what's that word for it?

00:44:27.000 Body dysmorphia?

00:44:27.000 Yes, body dysmorphia.

00:44:29.000 Bodybuilders get it.

00:44:31.000 Anorexics get it.

00:44:32.000 You know, girls who have double F tits and they want them bigger and bigger and bigger.

00:44:37.000 Well, the face in LA. I've done Botox twice in my life.

00:44:39.000 I'm always reluctant to go back just because, like, who am I fooling?

00:44:43.000 I'm 42 years old.

00:44:44.000 It's okay.

00:44:44.000 I'm not...

00:44:45.000 What is it doing to you?

00:44:46.000 Well, so they put botulism in your face, which is why I'm all so reluctant because you know that shit's not been studied, really.

00:44:54.000 I mean, come on.

00:44:55.000 How do we know what's going to happen?

00:44:56.000 So I got a wrinkle here.

00:44:58.000 So they'll put it here and they freeze the muscle.

00:45:01.000 It paralyzes it.

00:45:02.000 So you can't scowl.

00:45:04.000 Yeah, I got a scowl line.

00:45:06.000 See that scowl line?

00:45:07.000 That's my what the fuck is going on line.

00:45:11.000 I got the same one.

00:45:13.000 God damn it.

00:45:14.000 So it paralyzes it so you can't do the gesture that creates the wrinkle.

00:45:18.000 So it's more of a preemptive measure.

00:45:20.000 So you should start doing it early is what they say.

00:45:23.000 Right.

00:45:23.000 But what about being a comic and making facial expressions?

00:45:26.000 That's the problem.

00:45:27.000 So when you're on stage you end up getting migraines because you can't...

00:45:29.000 Because you can't move your eyebrows.

00:45:31.000 Yeah!

00:45:32.000 You're like, I'm surprised, I swear!

00:45:33.000 Yeah.

00:45:34.000 I swear I'm stunned.

00:45:36.000 Look, I'm going to make my eyes wider.

00:45:41.000 You want to see a show, there's a show on Netflix where people go to Thailand for cheap plastic surgery.

00:45:48.000 Oh, don't do it.

00:45:51.000 Don't do it.

00:45:52.000 Have you been to Thailand?

00:45:53.000 Never, have you?

00:45:54.000 It's awesome, yeah.

00:45:54.000 It just went this summer.

00:45:55.000 Took the whole family.

00:45:56.000 Where did you go?

00:45:57.000 Chiang Mai.

00:45:58.000 Where's that?

00:45:59.000 It is northern Thailand.

00:46:00.000 It's really close to where those kids got trapped in the cave.

00:46:03.000 Oh.

00:46:03.000 Yeah, we got there right after they got rescued, so it was happy times in Thailand.

00:46:06.000 Oh, that's a good thing.

00:46:07.000 It's dope, though.

00:46:08.000 The people are so friendly, and the food was amazing.

00:46:11.000 That's what I hear.

00:46:12.000 We took cooking classes.

00:46:13.000 Oh.

00:46:14.000 Yeah, we hung out with elephants in an elephant sanctuary.

00:46:16.000 That was pretty badass.

00:46:17.000 Oh, I saw that on your Instagram.

00:46:18.000 Yeah, elephants are sweet.

00:46:20.000 They're so kind.

00:46:22.000 You get super nervous around them when you're first around them because they're so goddamn big.

00:46:25.000 But then afterwards you realize they're just gentle giants.

00:46:28.000 They're so sweet.

00:46:29.000 And these animals at this one place that we went to, it's a rehabilitation place.

00:46:34.000 So they would take animals that had been to the circus and they'd been harmed or mistreated and they'd bring them back and they'd even release them into the wild.

00:46:42.000 Wow, that's cool.

00:46:43.000 Yeah, because they wandered around with them in the woods.

00:46:46.000 Like, we took them for this long hike where you ride them all through the woods.

00:46:50.000 So it was like a couple miles we went.

00:46:52.000 And they just stop and eat things.

00:46:53.000 So you don't have to worry about feeding them.

00:46:55.000 They are fucking...

00:46:58.000 Pretty confident, like, that they know what to eat.

00:47:01.000 They just grab leaves and start shoving them in their mouth.

00:47:04.000 And then they shit and piss, and you can't believe the volume.

00:47:08.000 You hear the logs hit the ground.

00:47:10.000 You're like, what is happening?

00:47:11.000 And then you look down, they're shitting, and you're like, oh my god!

00:47:14.000 It's just bushels of shit.

00:47:17.000 Boom, boom, boom!

00:47:18.000 Boom!

00:47:20.000 Clumps.

00:47:21.000 Heavy, just giant clumps of broken down vegetable matter.

00:47:24.000 They're herbivores.

00:47:26.000 That's all they eat.

00:47:27.000 They're so sweet though.

00:47:28.000 They come up to you, you rub their head.

00:47:31.000 You actually kind of bond with them because you feed them sugarcane.

00:47:35.000 When you get to know them, you wash them.

00:47:37.000 The first thing they have you do is you wash them and you feed them.

00:47:41.000 I think we fed them first then washed them.

00:47:44.000 We have these big piles of sugarcane and you hand them these pieces of sugarcane and they just chew it and crunch it and swallow it.

00:47:52.000 They take it from you like real gentle.

00:47:54.000 It's a fucking 2,000 plus pound animal, whatever the hell it is.

00:47:58.000 Probably bigger than that.

00:47:59.000 And they're so kind.

00:48:01.000 Just like real easy.

00:48:02.000 They walk around you.

00:48:04.000 They don't try to knock you over.

00:48:05.000 They're just real relaxed.

00:48:07.000 They help you get up if you want to ride them.

00:48:09.000 They lift their arm up so you can step on their arm and then you climb onto their back.

00:48:14.000 Are you going to get a pet elephant?

00:48:15.000 No.

00:48:16.000 But they're interesting animals.

00:48:18.000 They really are.

00:48:19.000 They're really sweet.

00:48:21.000 And this area that we're at, they actually have elephants that live in Thailand.

00:48:26.000 They actually live in the wild.

00:48:27.000 There's not that many of them, but they've introduced, I think they said seven new ones to the wild from this sanctuary.

00:48:34.000 So it's pretty badass.

00:48:36.000 But it was interesting that you get to see them where they're free roaming.

00:48:40.000 They roam all around that area.

00:48:42.000 They're not in pens.

00:48:43.000 They're not captive.

00:48:45.000 They're basically just freely roaming.

00:48:47.000 And then they feed them and take care of them.

00:48:49.000 And they know the food's going to be there.

00:48:51.000 And then they just eventually get them to the point where they can be free again.

00:48:54.000 Aw, that's so nice.

00:48:56.000 Yeah, it's pretty badass.

00:48:56.000 But the people are so friendly.

00:49:00.000 So nice.

00:49:00.000 I see this on that show.

00:49:01.000 Because they're always smiley and they bow to you.

00:49:04.000 And they're super...

00:49:05.000 They're really friendly.

00:49:06.000 You run into that all throughout the country.

00:49:09.000 People are super friendly like that.

00:49:11.000 Don't elephants gestate for like years?

00:49:14.000 Yeah, a long time.

00:49:15.000 Like two years or something?

00:49:15.000 Something long like that, yeah.

00:49:17.000 God, we sucky to be pregnant for that long.

00:49:20.000 I know, right?

00:49:20.000 Oh my god.

00:49:21.000 How about getting fucked by another elephant?

00:49:23.000 Dude, could you?

00:49:24.000 I've never seen it.

00:49:25.000 Have I seen an elephant dick?

00:49:26.000 I don't think so.

00:49:27.000 Does it come out of a sheath?

00:49:28.000 I'm sure, right?

00:49:29.000 Probably.

00:49:30.000 Yeah.

00:49:30.000 You know, like that head on the alien with Whitley Stryver.

00:49:34.000 Not Whitley Stryver.

00:49:35.000 Sigourney Weaver.

00:49:38.000 You know who Willie Stryber is?

00:49:39.000 Uh-uh.

00:49:39.000 Willie Stryber is the guy who was behind...

00:49:42.000 He's an author.

00:49:44.000 The whole story's really suspect.

00:49:46.000 He wrote that movie...

00:49:48.000 What was the movie he wrote?

00:49:51.000 He wrote one of those alien movies, one alien abduction movies, and he wrote that it was based on his own life, that it actually happened.

00:49:59.000 The problem was, he was already this fiction novelist.

00:50:02.000 Who's writing these wild stories and they decided to say this one's real and it got all sorts of traction but you know it's all like being abducted in the middle of the night and taken out of his bed by aliens and brought to ships and scientific experiments like that kind of stuff cool yeah you believe in it you think there's aliens doing that kind of stuff I don't think they care about your butt.

00:50:28.000 No.

00:50:29.000 The weirdest thing is that they have to go up your butt.

00:50:31.000 Always.

00:50:31.000 It's always a homoerotic sort of fantasy, an anal fantasy with the alien.

00:50:36.000 Why does it always turn sexual?

00:50:39.000 I think because if you're paralyzed, the number one fear is that someone's going to put something up your butt while you're out.

00:50:44.000 All the time.

00:50:46.000 Yeah.

00:50:47.000 I don't do butt stuff for that reason.

00:50:49.000 I'm like, I don't need to know.

00:50:50.000 Come on.

00:50:51.000 The other thing is, I think...

00:50:53.000 Hey, come on.

00:50:55.000 Come on with that.

00:50:56.000 Come on with that.

00:50:56.000 The other thing is I think people worry about being impregnated or having their baby taken from them by the aliens.

00:51:04.000 That's a common theme, too.

00:51:06.000 I'd be afraid of that.

00:51:06.000 Have you been to Roswell, New Mexico?

00:51:08.000 No, I have not.

00:51:09.000 I went there for some TV show I worked on like a decade ago, and they claim that's where the aliens live.

00:51:15.000 Is that Area 51?

00:51:17.000 That's where the crash happened in 1947. There's like a museum you can go to and see it.

00:51:22.000 I don't, you know, whatever.

00:51:23.000 I bought a t-shirt.

00:51:24.000 It was great.

00:51:25.000 Yeah, the whole story is super suspect, the story of what happened.

00:51:29.000 It's like there was some wreckage that they found, and they flew the wreckage in two separate planes to Wright-Patterson Air Force Base, and Truman actually met them there.

00:51:40.000 Like whatever the fuck did crash, it was of enough importance that Truman Flew out and they flew it in two separate planes in case one of the planes went down.

00:51:50.000 This is the folklore.

00:51:52.000 And then the next day they had this press conference and they're like, oh, we made a mistake.

00:51:56.000 It was just a balloon.

00:51:58.000 And then, you know, my joke that I used to do was like, what about the aliens?

00:52:03.000 Those are Mexicans.

00:52:04.000 They got drunk.

00:52:06.000 They mistook the balloon for a pinata.

00:52:09.000 Everyone's fine.

00:52:11.000 That's hilarious.

00:52:12.000 But the whole story behind it, the problem was it got put in the Roswell Daily Record, that the military has recovered, a crashed flying disc, and then everybody went fucking bananas.

00:52:23.000 So no one really knows what actually happened, obviously.

00:52:26.000 No.

00:52:27.000 Did you ever hear why they picked Right Pat?

00:52:29.000 Because it's in the middle of Ohio.

00:52:31.000 Mmm, I don't know.

00:52:33.000 Roswell is pretty far.

00:52:35.000 I think it's just a big Air Force Base.

00:52:36.000 Isn't that Wright-Patterson Air Force Base where Hangar 18 was?

00:52:40.000 Yeah, I guess.

00:52:41.000 Is that where that was?

00:52:42.000 But Hangar 18 was another famous thing in UFO folklore.

00:52:48.000 UFO folklore, there was like this supposed Hangar 18. Find out where that is.

00:52:54.000 Hangar 18 was supposed to be this place where they stored all of the crashed wreckage from various UFOs over the last few decades, because apparently there's been numerous crashed UFOs from alien planets.

00:53:08.000 That's what it said.

00:53:09.000 Is that at right passing?

00:53:10.000 Hangar 18, there's a website about it, yeah.

00:53:13.000 As long as there's a website about it.

00:53:17.000 Is it a Squarespace website?

00:53:18.000 No, it's Weebly.

00:53:20.000 Promo code, Jerry.

00:53:23.000 No, it's, what was the ones, GeoCities, remember those?

00:53:26.000 Oh, yeah.

00:53:26.000 Old school.

00:53:28.000 Yeah, with the animated little GIFs.

00:53:30.000 Old school.

00:53:30.000 Yeah.

00:53:31.000 Now, what about the moon landing?

00:53:32.000 Did you see the movie, Ryan Gosling?

00:53:34.000 No, I did not.

00:53:35.000 I heard it was good, though.

00:53:37.000 I heard it was really good.

00:53:38.000 Did you love it?

00:53:39.000 Loved it.

00:53:39.000 Wasn't there a controversy like they didn't put the American flag down?

00:53:42.000 It was something about that?

00:53:43.000 You mean the MTV flag?

00:53:46.000 That was so cool, right?

00:53:48.000 Yeah.

00:53:48.000 I miss MTV. I do, too.

00:53:51.000 I miss music videos.

00:53:52.000 There was something he brought his daughter's necklace up.

00:53:55.000 His young daughter, I don't want to give it all away, but...

00:53:58.000 Dolores, he put his daughter's necklace there, and I don't know.

00:54:02.000 Was it based on real life?

00:54:04.000 Yes, loosely.

00:54:05.000 That's what they're saying.

00:54:06.000 It's probable that that happened.

00:54:09.000 The flag thing, I don't even remember.

00:54:11.000 Yeah, there was some sort of controversy that they didn't plant the U.S. flag, and people were upset.

00:54:15.000 And they were saying that, you know, in this climate, they just thought it wouldn't be a good idea to express nationalism or something.

00:54:22.000 I remember reading some cockamamie reason why they didn't have the flag.

00:54:27.000 Interesting.

00:54:28.000 They actually had the flag, you fuck.

00:54:30.000 If you believe in the moon landing, you believe it happened, and you want to show me a movie of it, you've got to show the flag.

00:54:35.000 They put it in the ground.

00:54:36.000 It's a big part of the program.

00:54:38.000 Here's our flag.

00:54:39.000 It's in the fucking dirt, on the moon.

00:54:42.000 Yep.

00:54:42.000 That's it.

00:54:43.000 That's right.

00:54:43.000 It's there.

00:54:44.000 And now he also peed brown on the way up on the four-day journey.

00:54:49.000 And I heard you just peed brown.

00:54:50.000 I peed a little brown.

00:54:51.000 It was more like amber colored.

00:54:54.000 More like iced tea colored.

00:54:55.000 So scary.

00:54:56.000 Well, I was a little worried about, there's something called rhabdomyelosis, that when you do CrossFit, or actually a couple fighters have died from it, I actually just found out about that this weekend, that fighters who had been overtrained going into fights and then exerted themselves to extreme during the fight and then died afterwards.

00:55:14.000 A couple of them turned out to have had rhabdomyelosis, which is your muscle tissue breaks down, your liver crashes, or your kidneys crash, rather.

00:55:24.000 I didn't have that.

00:55:25.000 I was just dehydrated.

00:55:26.000 Oh, okay, good.

00:55:28.000 Because that was pretty gnarly.

00:55:29.000 I was sweating at a rate that I couldn't possibly keep up with just trying to rehydrate normally.

00:55:37.000 You guys and the sober fucking October, man.

00:55:40.000 It went crazy, right?

00:55:41.000 No, I know.

00:55:41.000 What was it like being the wife of a person who was involved in this?

00:55:45.000 I hate it so much.

00:55:46.000 I hate that you guys do this shit.

00:55:48.000 You know what we're doing next year?

00:55:50.000 Yeah, and I heard you guys talking about it because I caught that part of the show.

00:55:53.000 Surfing?

00:55:54.000 Yep.

00:55:55.000 Fucking rad.

00:55:55.000 We're gonna stay on a board longer.

00:55:58.000 Like, who stays on the board for the most amount of time in the month?

00:56:02.000 I love this challenge because I love surfing.

00:56:05.000 I learned to do it in my 20s.

00:56:06.000 I'm terrible at it.

00:56:07.000 But that's like, it's so incredibly difficult.

00:56:10.000 Have you surfed?

00:56:11.000 No, not at all.

00:56:12.000 And I'm not going to.

00:56:12.000 I'm not even going to touch it until October.

00:56:15.000 And this is the rule.

00:56:15.000 None of us can practice.

00:56:17.000 We can't practice.

00:56:17.000 Okay.

00:56:18.000 Yeah.

00:56:18.000 We got to wait till October and then do it.

00:56:21.000 I will say the ocean's very cold in October, though.

00:56:24.000 That's the one...

00:56:25.000 Weed out those pussies.

00:56:27.000 Are you going to get a special suit?

00:56:29.000 I'm sure they're...

00:56:29.000 Oh, yeah.

00:56:30.000 I'm going to get a special suit.

00:56:31.000 I'm going to get one with fucking...

00:56:33.000 It's going to have Kevlar in it so the sharks can't eat me.

00:56:35.000 Oh, that's another thing, dude.

00:56:37.000 Yeah, bitch.

00:56:37.000 I'm not getting aided.

00:56:38.000 I'm not getting aided by no big fish.

00:56:45.000 So this is a tentative challenge.

00:56:47.000 But I have to say, this last one, your husband, Tommy Buns, is the one that came up with the fitness challenge.

00:56:53.000 And it was only the last couple days before October.

00:56:56.000 We hadn't really decided on what we were going to do.

00:56:57.000 In fact, we were even thinking about repeating our 15 yoga class thing.

00:57:01.000 We kind of settled into that.

00:57:03.000 I was like, okay, I can do 15 yoga classes.

00:57:04.000 And we kind of decided that that's what we were going to do.

00:57:07.000 And then I know where your husband goes.

00:57:09.000 Hey, I've been doing this fitness thing.

00:57:11.000 I wear this app.

00:57:12.000 Maybe we could just see who gets the most points for a month.

00:57:14.000 I'm like, okay.

00:57:15.000 I didn't think anything of it.

00:57:16.000 You weren't excited about that idea?

00:57:19.000 I thought it would be fun, like whatever, it'd be fine.

00:57:21.000 But I didn't think it would be a psycho battle to the death that it became really quick.

00:57:27.000 I'll tell you what was, as a spouse, the sobriety part's not too difficult for Tommy.

00:57:33.000 Yeah.

00:57:33.000 It's the time away from the family.

00:57:37.000 It's like he would go and be like, bye, I'm going to go hike for six hours.

00:57:40.000 Yeah.

00:57:41.000 And we live near hills, and I'm like, there's fucking rattlesnakes and cougars, and you better be back before sundown, dude.

00:57:47.000 Yeah.

00:57:48.000 And then he got sick, so he was doing it on antibiotics, which was crazy.

00:57:53.000 I didn't want him to be doing that shit.

00:57:54.000 He ran 13 miles on antibiotics.

00:57:57.000 Crazy.

00:57:58.000 That is bananas.

00:57:59.000 I know.

00:57:59.000 That is so hard to do.

00:58:01.000 I know, but we were talking about it at breakfast and he was like, well, Joe's gonna be first.

00:58:06.000 There's no question.

00:58:07.000 So it was more about who's gonna be second and third.

00:58:10.000 Ari was trying to take that first place spot.

00:58:12.000 No way.

00:58:12.000 He was doing all sorts of sneaky tricks.

00:58:14.000 He was trying to bank up his points and try to pretend that he wasn't a threat.

00:58:21.000 He really was.

00:58:22.000 Sneaky.

00:58:22.000 Oh, he's super sneaky.

00:58:24.000 Yeah.

00:58:24.000 He came close.

00:58:25.000 He was the closest to me.

00:58:28.000 And he was the most sneaky.

00:58:31.000 He's definitely the most sneaky.

00:58:32.000 What do you mean?

00:58:33.000 How was he sneaky?

00:58:36.000 He would say things to me like, you should just work out normal and see if you beat us.

00:58:39.000 I mean, if you just try to beat us, it'd be too easy.

00:58:42.000 Like, hmm.

00:58:43.000 Like, yeah, why don't I do that, Ari?

00:58:46.000 Such a jerk.

00:58:47.000 Yeah, I had decided early on that I was going to beat him.

00:58:50.000 But I decided that...

00:58:52.000 At first I was like, this is so stupid.

00:58:54.000 Who gives a shit about this competition?

00:58:55.000 I'm ruining my life for this thing.

00:58:57.000 I could not live with myself if Burt won.

00:59:00.000 That was a big part of the problem.

00:59:01.000 Would that really have happened, though?

00:59:03.000 Could have happened.

00:59:04.000 Out of all you guys?

00:59:05.000 You never know.

00:59:06.000 If we fucked off...

00:59:08.000 Yeah.

00:59:08.000 See, no one fucked off.

00:59:10.000 Everybody went hard, even Bert.

00:59:11.000 Yeah.

00:59:12.000 Well, Bert's wife is probably used to him being gone.

00:59:15.000 All of a sudden, abandoning the family.

00:59:17.000 She's like, whatever, he's just not here more.

00:59:20.000 I did a lot of my working out at home.

00:59:23.000 You know, because I have a gym in my house.

00:59:25.000 Great!

00:59:25.000 Yeah, so they knew where to find me.

00:59:27.000 So your wife and your kids were like, oh.

00:59:28.000 They would come in and make fun of me.

00:59:30.000 Well, I'm like, are you still doing this?

00:59:32.000 Like my eight-year-old especially, she thinks it's hilarious.

00:59:35.000 She's like, you better win!

00:59:36.000 You better win!

00:59:38.000 She'd walk away like, ugh!

00:59:39.000 She thought it was so funny.

00:59:41.000 She's a little Canadian, man.

00:59:43.000 I love it.

00:59:44.000 She's a funny little fucker.

00:59:45.000 I love it.

00:59:46.000 She really is.

00:59:46.000 You gotta raise them sassy girls.

00:59:48.000 Yeah.

00:59:48.000 You can't raise them...

00:59:49.000 The princess shit's horrible.

00:59:51.000 You're a princess.

00:59:52.000 Like, oh no, don't raise girls to think they're princesses because I'm always waiting to be rescued for shit, you know?

00:59:57.000 Not only that, like, that means you're a part of a monarchy and you're oppressing all those peasants.

01:00:03.000 Oh, look at you.

01:00:04.000 Right.

01:00:05.000 Like, this whole...

01:00:06.000 I talked to a friend once who was like...

01:00:09.000 This is back in like the 90s, and he was very pro-black.

01:00:15.000 A black guy who was very pro-black.

01:00:17.000 And he said one of the most ridiculous things any person's ever said.

01:00:20.000 He was talking about black people today.

01:00:22.000 He goes, black people, you gotta understand, back in the day, we were kings!

01:00:26.000 And I go, you couldn't be all kings.

01:00:28.000 I go, listen, do you understand how kings work?

01:00:30.000 There's one person, and that person dominates all these other people with power.

01:00:34.000 And the way they do it is through threat and military, and they kill people who oppress them.

01:00:39.000 Like, you don't want to be a king, man.

01:00:41.000 They're dicks.

01:00:42.000 Yeah, it's one of the most terrible things to be, is a king.

01:00:45.000 Like, you don't even get elected into office.

01:00:47.000 True.

01:00:48.000 You're just a king.

01:00:48.000 You have ultimate power.

01:00:50.000 You abuse the shit out of it.

01:00:51.000 True.

01:00:51.000 You weren't all kings.

01:00:53.000 Like, you can't be all kings.

01:00:54.000 You can't say we were kings.

01:00:56.000 No.

01:00:56.000 Goddamn, that's a stupid thing to say.

01:00:58.000 Well, yeah, because God ordains the king, right?

01:01:00.000 If you watch those, Henry, I love those historical things.

01:01:04.000 Versailles, I watch it on Netflix.

01:01:07.000 Do you ever watch Vikings?

01:01:09.000 I started to.

01:01:10.000 Yeah, is it good?

01:01:11.000 It's fucking good.

01:01:11.000 All right.

01:01:12.000 Yeah, it's surprisingly good.

01:01:14.000 Give it four episodes.

01:01:15.000 Okay.

01:01:15.000 Because right around episode four, it really kicks in.

01:01:18.000 Okay.

01:01:18.000 So one of our friends had told us, so I watched the first episode, and I'm like, this show's kind of clunky.

01:01:22.000 Yeah.

01:01:22.000 And then episode two comes around, I'm like, hmm.

01:01:24.000 By the time episode four rolls around, you're like, oh, shit.

01:01:27.000 Yeah.

01:01:29.000 I like all that stuff.

01:01:31.000 Oh, it's good.

01:01:31.000 Yeah, you could just get executed back then for not the king.

01:01:34.000 I didn't like the way you looked at him.

01:01:36.000 Fuck him up.

01:01:37.000 And that would get people scared.

01:01:39.000 And that's how you keep power.

01:01:40.000 Absolutely.

01:01:41.000 That's what Putin's doing.

01:01:42.000 That's what they do in North Korea, you know?

01:01:45.000 Yeah.

01:01:45.000 Or the king could just be like, you're gonna be my new hoe.

01:01:49.000 Do you know about that Khashoggi guy?

01:01:51.000 No.

01:01:51.000 The journalist that got assassinated?

01:01:53.000 No.

01:01:53.000 Do you know about this?

01:01:54.000 No.

01:01:54.000 I've been in a bubble.

01:01:55.000 A journalist got assassinated by the Saudis.

01:01:58.000 He went to the embassy in Istanbul because his wife went to Turkish embassy because his wife was Turkish and he was trying to get married to her.

01:02:09.000 And the Saudis had sent 15 hit men to meet him there.

01:02:13.000 They strangled him and dismembered him with bone saws and carried him out in suitcases.

01:02:19.000 And they brought in a guy who was a forensics expert.

01:02:22.000 He was one of the 15 people.

01:02:24.000 So they brought in someone who would know how to manipulate the data.

01:02:29.000 And the Turkish, apparently, they said that they have video and audio evidence that he was murdered there, but they can't release it because then it'll show the people how they spy on them.

01:02:40.000 Oh my gosh.

01:02:44.000 That's so crazy.

01:02:46.000 This is today.

01:02:46.000 In 2018, they killed a journalist.

01:02:49.000 They didn't like what he was saying.

01:02:51.000 That's Saudi, though.

01:02:52.000 I did a military gig in Saudi Arabia right before 2007, and I actually had two passports when I went to go do this military tour, and I didn't know why.

01:03:03.000 And we get to Riyadh, and they go, give them this passport, the second one that we gave you, which was completely blank and just had my personal information.

01:03:11.000 I know.

01:03:12.000 And we go in there, and they go, oh, it's Thursday.

01:03:14.000 It's Chop Chop Thursday.

01:03:16.000 It's a public execution day.

01:03:18.000 Do you guys want to go see it?

01:03:19.000 And I was like, I don't know.

01:03:21.000 I don't know.

01:03:21.000 Like, on the one hand, kind of curious.

01:03:23.000 On the one hand, no.

01:03:24.000 We couldn't do it because somebody, some guy had put a bomb up his butt and blown up a prince or something, so we couldn't go.

01:03:32.000 But, yeah, public executions, they want you to see, you know, to keep people in line.

01:03:38.000 It's terrifying.

01:03:39.000 I don't know.

01:03:40.000 Women can drive now, I hear.

01:03:42.000 That's kind of neat.

01:03:44.000 But if they fuck a guy, they'll get stoned to death in front of everybody.

01:03:48.000 Sure.

01:03:49.000 Yeah.

01:03:49.000 Sure.

01:03:50.000 They behead people.

01:03:51.000 They do all kinds of crazy shit to journalists.

01:03:53.000 Yeah.

01:03:54.000 You know, they lock bloggers up for life.

01:03:56.000 People have disrespected the crown.

01:03:58.000 Crazy.

01:03:59.000 It's crazy shit.

01:04:00.000 Yeah.

01:04:00.000 Yeah, women can't even, you can't go to the mall unless a male family member accompanies you.

01:04:05.000 2018. Yeah.

01:04:07.000 Yikes.

01:04:08.000 Fuck.

01:04:08.000 And try getting out of there.

01:04:09.000 You know?

01:04:11.000 We were talking about this, how crazy it is that it's so easy to come here from some countries, like Cuba.

01:04:16.000 All you have to do is get on a raft.

01:04:18.000 You make it to Miami, they're like, you're in, bro.

01:04:20.000 It's all you have to do to survive the ride.

01:04:22.000 They don't send you back to Cuba, ever.

01:04:24.000 That's true, huh?

01:04:25.000 We don't.

01:04:26.000 What about that Elian Gonzalez?

01:04:27.000 Didn't he get sent back eventually?

01:04:30.000 That was his parents wanted him back, right?

01:04:32.000 Remember?

01:04:32.000 They had a gun.

01:04:33.000 They fucking had machine guns.

01:04:35.000 The kid was in the closet.

01:04:36.000 Like, what the fuck?

01:04:37.000 Why'd they send him home?

01:04:39.000 There were some circumstances to that.

01:04:40.000 Yeah, was it dad in the old country and mom in this country and there was a custody?

01:04:45.000 Someone wanted him back.

01:04:47.000 Yeah.

01:04:47.000 Some nonsense.

01:04:48.000 Something like that.

01:04:49.000 But for the most part, they don't deport you.

01:04:52.000 When you make it from Miami, or to Miami rather, from Cuba, you're good, bro.

01:04:57.000 Thank God.

01:04:58.000 Crazy though, right?

01:04:59.000 It is crazy.

01:05:00.000 All you have to do is get on a raft.

01:05:03.000 And survive.

01:05:04.000 90 miles.

01:05:05.000 That's it?

01:05:05.000 That's it.

01:05:06.000 How long would that take?

01:05:07.000 Could take a long-ass time.

01:05:10.000 If you're doing a mile an hour, it'd take you 90 minutes.

01:05:15.000 Right, that's not such a...

01:05:16.000 Or a mile an hour would take you 90 hours, rather.

01:05:18.000 Oh, yeah, 90 minutes.

01:05:20.000 Okay, that's still a rough dream.

01:05:22.000 A mile an hour, yeah, which is like, how fast do you pedal?

01:05:25.000 If you're paddling, how fast do you paddle?

01:05:28.000 As fast as I can.

01:05:29.000 Can you paddle a mile an hour?

01:05:31.000 I have no idea.

01:05:32.000 That's a good question, right?

01:05:33.000 Yeah.

01:05:34.000 Depends on whether or not you're going with the tide, against the tide.

01:05:37.000 Dude, and then the sun goes down, it's cold as shit.

01:05:39.000 I mean...

01:05:39.000 Sharks.

01:05:40.000 You've seen Moana.

01:05:44.000 Sharks.

01:05:44.000 Sure.

01:05:45.000 Fresh water.

01:05:46.000 What are you drinking on your journey?

01:05:47.000 You ain't drinking shit.

01:05:48.000 You're going to try to keep it together.

01:05:49.000 Drink as much as you can before, and then you got to drink your piss.

01:05:52.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:05:53.000 You can once it separates, right?

01:05:54.000 You let it sit.

01:05:55.000 Just drink it.

01:05:57.000 Just drink it right off the tap.

01:05:58.000 You just drink it fresh out?

01:05:59.000 Yeah, what you do is you lie on your back and you bring your ass to yourself.

01:06:03.000 You grab your hands behind your ass, bring it to yourself and piss right in your mouth.

01:06:12.000 Don't want to lose any of it.

01:06:13.000 It's precious moisture.

01:06:15.000 In and out, in and out.

01:06:16.000 You ever watch that TV show as a Navy SEALs who can survive?

01:06:20.000 You know, one guy goes to the beach, one guy has to go to the mountains or some shit.

01:06:25.000 I love that stuff.

01:06:26.000 I did see that.

01:06:26.000 Yeah, I've seen a lot of those shows.

01:06:27.000 I like that.

01:06:28.000 Dual Survivor, that was one of them.

01:06:30.000 Yeah.

01:06:31.000 I'd like to learn how to survive.

01:06:33.000 I wouldn't be good at it.

01:06:34.000 Would you do Naked and Afraid?

01:06:35.000 No, that's the stupidest one.

01:06:37.000 That's the stupidest fucking show.

01:06:39.000 Why would you want to be naked?

01:06:40.000 You don't need to be...

01:06:41.000 No.

01:06:42.000 You don't have ants in your butthole.

01:06:43.000 Well, there's something about that that's like, okay, this is...

01:06:46.000 They've taken it as far as you can take it.

01:06:49.000 Yeah.

01:06:50.000 Like, okay, we're going to have people survive.

01:06:52.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:06:52.000 Like Survivorman.

01:06:53.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:06:54.000 Okay, but have people that do that don't know what they're doing.

01:06:56.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:06:56.000 Good idea.

01:06:57.000 And fucking man, let's make them naked.

01:06:59.000 Yeah.

01:07:00.000 Like, okay.

01:07:01.000 Jesus, you don't care about people at all.

01:07:03.000 At all.

01:07:03.000 Why would you even do that show?

01:07:05.000 Great tanks.

01:07:06.000 Now you get people, and one of them is hot, and the other one's fat and disgusting.

01:07:10.000 Yeah.

01:07:11.000 And then you have them naked together.

01:07:12.000 Well, I like to watch...

01:07:13.000 I used to like Survivor when they put the fat people on the island, and then they get real skinny by the end of the show.

01:07:18.000 That was kind of cool.

01:07:20.000 Right?

01:07:21.000 Weight loss show.

01:07:22.000 That is legit.

01:07:23.000 You get on a fucking island with nothing to eat, you will lose weight.

01:07:25.000 Yeah.

01:07:26.000 Yeah, if you're fat, you actually have an advantage.

01:07:28.000 Yes.

01:07:28.000 You have weight to lose.

01:07:30.000 That's right.

01:07:30.000 If you're really skinny and you can't...

01:07:32.000 I remember one time someone killed something, like a rabbit or something, and everybody freaked out.

01:07:36.000 People were so mad.

01:07:37.000 Meanwhile, they could be serving them chicken out of a bucket, and no one would say a word.

01:07:41.000 Right.

01:07:41.000 That was so stupid.

01:07:43.000 Oh my God, he killed that rabbit with a knife.

01:07:45.000 Well...

01:07:46.000 What are you supposed to eat?

01:07:46.000 Yeah.

01:07:47.000 You don't want him to do that?

01:07:48.000 What do you want, that rabbit to live forever and become an angel?

01:07:52.000 What are you supposed to eat?

01:07:53.000 What the fuck is wrong with you?

01:07:54.000 Rabbits lived two years.

01:07:56.000 My kids had a pet rabbit.

01:07:57.000 You know what's the worst?

01:07:59.000 Gerbils.

01:08:00.000 Hamsters.

01:08:01.000 They lived for two years.

01:08:02.000 We had one that lived for three.

01:08:04.000 It was a miracle.

01:08:05.000 Amazing.

01:08:06.000 The last 12 months were incredible.

01:08:08.000 It was an extra year.

01:08:10.000 They didn't give a fuck about that thing.

01:08:12.000 It's like they say they want a hamster.

01:08:15.000 Like, oh, we want a hamster.

01:08:17.000 We want a hamster.

01:08:17.000 Okay, let's get a hamster.

01:08:19.000 We're going to play with it all the time.

01:08:20.000 We promise.

01:08:21.000 Okay, okay.

01:08:22.000 They get it.

01:08:22.000 They pick it up a couple of times.

01:08:23.000 I'm like, fuck this little rat.

01:08:25.000 Of course.

01:08:25.000 They put it right back in the...

01:08:26.000 They have cats and dogs.

01:08:28.000 Which are real pets.

01:08:30.000 Real pets.

01:08:30.000 Everything else is bullshit pet.

01:08:31.000 Yeah, it's a bullshit pet.

01:08:32.000 You can't really play with it.

01:08:34.000 You can't snuggle with a hamster.

01:08:35.000 You can't teach it to do anything.

01:08:37.000 Yeah.

01:08:37.000 The worst, I think, is birds.

01:08:39.000 Why would you have a fucking bird?

01:08:40.000 Dinosaur.

01:08:40.000 Little cunty-ass dinosaur.

01:08:44.000 They don't give a fuck about you.

01:08:45.000 They shit all over your house if you let them out.

01:08:47.000 One thing we did do is we raised a hummingbird.

01:08:50.000 We brought it back to health and then released it.

01:08:53.000 We found a hummingbird that was a baby hummingbird that had fallen out of the nest.

01:08:58.000 And it was really tiny.

01:09:00.000 And so we took it in and we didn't know how long it was going to live.

01:09:04.000 I'm like, man, this thing might die on us.

01:09:06.000 Like, what do we do?

01:09:07.000 And then we had to Google what they eat, and basically they eat sugar water.

01:09:10.000 Yeah.

01:09:11.000 Yeah, so we basically put sugar and mixed it in with water and put it in his or her little box.

01:09:17.000 Don't you gender that, hummingbird.

01:09:18.000 Yeah, I'm going to call it a zur, and zur box, and they box, and...

01:09:26.000 We fed them.

01:09:28.000 They.

01:09:29.000 They, them, pronouns.

01:09:31.000 Healthy diet, sugar water, could you imagine?

01:09:33.000 And we kept it for a month.

01:09:35.000 And then eventually it got to a point where it was kind of hopping around inside the box.

01:09:39.000 And it seemed to be healthy and would let us hold it and everything.

01:09:42.000 It was really crazy, like totally attached to us.

01:09:44.000 And then we let it go and flew away.

01:09:47.000 It was fucked up in the beginning.

01:09:49.000 It couldn't move its wings right.

01:09:50.000 We didn't know what to do, whether it was wounded to the point where we're going to have to take it and get it fixed somewhere.

01:09:57.000 We didn't know.

01:09:59.000 Damn.

01:09:59.000 But it lived.

01:10:00.000 Sorry, how long did you have it?

01:10:01.000 About a month.

01:10:02.000 Aww.

01:10:03.000 They're so crazy.

01:10:05.000 I have a feeder outside the kitchen window and I love to watch them.

01:10:08.000 I get so excited when they come.

01:10:10.000 Strange bird.

01:10:11.000 Makes my day.

01:10:12.000 They go so fast.

01:10:14.000 How do they go so fast?

01:10:15.000 Those little tiny wings too.

01:10:17.000 Their wings are so small.

01:10:18.000 That's what's odd.

01:10:20.000 Like every bird has like a wingspan but their wingspan is like half the size of a normal bird's wingspan and they just go a million miles an hour.

01:10:30.000 And they go left and right and up and down and they just...

01:10:32.000 So their ability to change direction is so strange and hover.

01:10:36.000 Like they just hover perfectly in the air and then dart off and then come back and hover.

01:10:42.000 Yeah.

01:10:43.000 It's a very unusual design.

01:10:45.000 Yeah, right?

01:10:46.000 They're so tiny, but I guess that's why they have to move so fast because the wings are so tiny.

01:10:49.000 You ever seen one get fucked up by a praying mantis?

01:10:52.000 No.

01:10:53.000 That's the darkest shit.

01:10:54.000 Really?

01:10:54.000 A praying mantis will hide underneath a bird feeder and just sit there.

01:10:59.000 Just sit there like this and wait.

01:11:01.000 And you're like, that praying mantis can't fuck up that bird.

01:11:03.000 It's smaller than the bird.

01:11:05.000 Oh, yes, they can.

01:11:07.000 You've never seen it?

01:11:08.000 No, I'd love to see it.

01:11:10.000 We'll put it up.

01:11:11.000 Yeah, praying mantises regularly kill hummingbirds.

01:11:13.000 I did not know.

01:11:14.000 They climb up to the nest.

01:11:15.000 They climb up to the feeder.

01:11:17.000 Sinister.

01:11:18.000 And they just sit and wait.

01:11:19.000 Because they look like sticks.

01:11:20.000 And they blend in with the color of the tree they're on.

01:11:24.000 Because they camouflage their color.

01:11:26.000 Here, watch this.

01:11:27.000 Look at this motherfucker.

01:11:28.000 Look at him.

01:11:29.000 Just hanging out there.

01:11:30.000 Totally frozen.

01:11:31.000 And these birds don't have any idea what's going on.

01:11:34.000 Mm-mm.

01:11:34.000 It seems like he's kind of...

01:11:36.000 Oh, no!

01:11:38.000 That's a wrap, son.

01:11:40.000 No!

01:11:40.000 Isn't that crazy?

01:11:41.000 No, and the hummingbird is so much faster than him.

01:11:44.000 It doesn't matter.

01:11:45.000 I know.

01:11:45.000 It only has to be fast for a second.

01:11:47.000 It only has to clamp down those jaws.

01:11:49.000 Oh, they're so pretty.

01:11:50.000 Oh, the person's saving it.

01:11:52.000 The person saved it.

01:11:53.000 Well, that person's an asshole.

01:11:55.000 You're right, because that's the order of things.

01:11:57.000 Oh, look at you.

01:11:58.000 But he kind of gave away his punch.

01:12:01.000 He's really, like, telegraphing his moves.

01:12:04.000 I know.

01:12:04.000 He's supposed to get out of there.

01:12:05.000 You see this shit happening?

01:12:07.000 Just get out of there, you stupid-ass bird.

01:12:10.000 We have an owl in our backyard, and one of the coolest things is when the sun goes down, we sit in the backyard, and we watch that fucker come out of the big tree that it lives in, dude.

01:12:19.000 You ever seen an owl come out to hunt?

01:12:21.000 It's huge, yeah.

01:12:22.000 Just...

01:12:23.000 It just swoops through the backyard and you're like, dude, he's out.

01:12:27.000 He's gonna catch some shit tonight.

01:12:29.000 Some rabbits are gonna die.

01:12:31.000 Put your dogs away.

01:12:33.000 They keep the rat population down, too.

01:12:35.000 Yeah, we got lots of those because we have fruit trees, so the fucking rats.

01:12:38.000 Look at this, praying mantis jacking this hummingbird.

01:12:41.000 They regularly eat hummingbirds.

01:12:44.000 But the thing is, if you look at the size of the hummingbird and the size of the praying mantis, you would go, there's no way.

01:12:50.000 Where's it going to eat it?

01:12:51.000 There's not even enough room in its body.

01:12:53.000 That's a good point.

01:12:54.000 And the beak, it's so hard.

01:12:55.000 They don't give a fuck.

01:12:57.000 Praying mantises, we are so lucky they're little.

01:13:00.000 If they were big, like German Shepherds, we would be fucked.

01:13:03.000 They would just eat us.

01:13:05.000 We're lucky dogs are as dopey as they are.

01:13:08.000 You know, when you're especially talking about how dumb they're afraid of your judgment.

01:13:12.000 Yeah, they could eat us.

01:13:13.000 Your dog's big enough.

01:13:14.000 If it were sinister?

01:13:16.000 He's a golden retriever.

01:13:18.000 Oh, they're the best.

01:13:19.000 He's not eating anybody.

01:13:21.000 But if his brain were more...

01:13:22.000 Yeah.

01:13:23.000 If he was a rat that big, if he was that big and he was a ferocious rat and I was in the subway and I saw him, I would be so scared.

01:13:33.000 Dude, we got rats.

01:13:34.000 Do you have rats in your...

01:13:35.000 Oh, we definitely get rats, yeah.

01:13:37.000 I hate them so much.

01:13:38.000 I have a guy that comes, my rat guy, puts down all the fucking traps.

01:13:41.000 We had one get into an AC unit in one of our, the guest bedroom, and it stunk like shit.

01:13:48.000 Yeah, we had one too.

01:13:49.000 It died in the wall.

01:13:50.000 And we started having all these flies that came in through the room, and we were trying to figure out, how's this fly getting in here?

01:13:57.000 And we realized there was something dead in the wall.

01:14:00.000 Because it was stinking.

01:14:01.000 Yes.

01:14:01.000 And we had to just wait for it to rot away.

01:14:04.000 Oh, well, I guess what's the alternative?

01:14:05.000 You punch through the wall.

01:14:07.000 You had to go through the wall.

01:14:08.000 Fuck that.

01:14:08.000 You don't want to do that.

01:14:09.000 Yeah, that's the only alternative.

01:14:11.000 Rat died in the wall, son.

01:14:13.000 So nasty.

01:14:14.000 You ever caught one with a trap?

01:14:15.000 Oh, yeah.

01:14:16.000 Yeah, I love it.

01:14:17.000 I caught a lot of them.

01:14:17.000 Yeah.

01:14:18.000 What kind of trap do you use?

01:14:19.000 The kind that hurt.

01:14:21.000 Snappers?

01:14:21.000 Old school?

01:14:21.000 Snappers.

01:14:22.000 Old school.

01:14:22.000 Yeah, snappers are the best, actually.

01:14:24.000 You know that fucked up story?

01:14:25.000 I was in Encino and I was renting this house for a while and I killed a rat.

01:14:29.000 It was a big boy.

01:14:31.000 Big, big fat boy.

01:14:33.000 And I was like, Jesus, look at that thing.

01:14:35.000 And I was like, ah, I'm going to go to bed in the morning.

01:14:37.000 I'll clean it up.

01:14:39.000 I went to bed.

01:14:39.000 I came back in the morning.

01:14:40.000 He was eaten.

01:14:41.000 The only thing that was left is his tail.

01:14:43.000 They ate the entire rat.

01:14:45.000 The rats are full-on cannibals.

01:14:47.000 I didn't know that.

01:14:48.000 The other rats will eat the dead guy.

01:14:50.000 100%.

01:14:51.000 Ugh!

01:14:51.000 Instantly.

01:14:52.000 Savage, savage.

01:14:53.000 They ate him down to the tail.

01:14:56.000 Motherfuck.

01:14:56.000 There was nothing left.

01:14:57.000 Ugh!

01:14:58.000 Down to the tail.

01:14:59.000 Even rats won't eat a rat's tail.

01:15:01.000 That shit's nasty.

01:15:03.000 We should serve rat's tails on Fear Factor.

01:15:05.000 Even rats won't eat it.

01:15:07.000 They're like, nah.

01:15:08.000 I'm good, bro.

01:15:09.000 I'll stick with garbage and assholes.

01:15:11.000 They're so nasty.

01:15:12.000 They ate everything.

01:15:13.000 The guts.

01:15:14.000 They ate the head.

01:15:15.000 They ate everything.

01:15:17.000 They just chewed through the rat head.

01:15:19.000 There was like almost nothing left.

01:15:21.000 Yeah, they were eating bones.

01:15:23.000 There was almost nothing left.

01:15:25.000 It was so disturbing.

01:15:27.000 Oh!

01:15:27.000 Yeah, there's a rat eating another rat.

01:15:29.000 Look at that.

01:15:30.000 Cannibal rats filmed eating fellow rodents.

01:15:33.000 Yeah, they eat the shit out of each other.

01:15:35.000 They have no problem with that.

01:15:36.000 And once they're in your house, you're screwed.

01:15:39.000 Once you see those droppings, now you're fucked.

01:15:42.000 You gotta find out how they're getting into the house.

01:15:44.000 You gotta cock it up or whatever with that shit.

01:15:47.000 Oh, it's the worst, man.

01:15:49.000 The weasels always get in.

01:15:51.000 It's one of the reasons why it's good to have coyotes around.

01:15:54.000 It's one of the reasons why it's good to have owls, all those things, hawks, all those things keep the rat population down.

01:16:01.000 So if people run around killing hawks and owls and, you know, there was also a problem with people that leave out poison because you leave out poison for the rats and the rats eat the poison and then the owls eat the rats and they get poisoned and they die.

01:16:15.000 Oh dear.

01:16:15.000 Yeah, that's an issue.

01:16:16.000 That's no good.

01:16:17.000 We have coyotes too.

01:16:18.000 They come out in broad daylight.

01:16:20.000 Yeah, you gotta be careful of those little fuckers around your kids.

01:16:22.000 Oh, yes, and around small, our little dogs, too.

01:16:26.000 We have little shitty dogs that we can eat, too.

01:16:27.000 Yep.

01:16:28.000 Kids, too.

01:16:29.000 Oh, yeah.

01:16:30.000 Yeah, they'll bite your fucking kids.

01:16:32.000 Yeah, I mean, if no one's around, you know, if you leave a kid in the yard, three-year-old kid, I'm just gonna, mommy has to take a shit.

01:16:38.000 Be right back.

01:16:39.000 I do that all the time.

01:16:40.000 Come back out to a half-eaten kid.

01:16:42.000 I take my kid with me to take a shit.

01:16:44.000 I put him on my lap when I shit.

01:16:46.000 You have to.

01:16:46.000 Of course!

01:16:46.000 I'm not gonna let my kid be alone.

01:16:48.000 No way.

01:16:49.000 Three-year-olds get into everything.

01:16:50.000 Especially with fucking animals.

01:16:53.000 Animals out there.

01:16:54.000 Oof.

01:16:55.000 That's dark.

01:16:56.000 Mm-hmm.

01:16:57.000 That's the weird thing.

01:16:58.000 Like, those coyotes are really, they're predators that are wandering.

01:17:02.000 You know, we had a big issue with them because we have chickens, and they started killing some of our chickens.

01:17:05.000 But then we realized we're targeted.

01:17:07.000 Like, our yard is targeted by these little tiny wolves.

01:17:10.000 It's very strange.

01:17:12.000 It's little wild creatures that are sneaky and smart.

01:17:16.000 And they can jump over walls, too.

01:17:18.000 Forget it, man.

01:17:19.000 They jump over walls like nothing.

01:17:21.000 I know.

01:17:21.000 Like six foot fence.

01:17:22.000 They bounce to the top of the fence then bounce over it like it's not even there.

01:17:25.000 I don't give a fuck.

01:17:26.000 They're elegant.

01:17:27.000 I know.

01:17:28.000 The way they move, it's really kind of beautiful to watch.

01:17:30.000 They look like just dogs.

01:17:32.000 Like I'll see them in the neighborhood and I'm like, oh shit, that's a coyote, dude.

01:17:35.000 Like at first you're like, is that someone's dog?

01:17:37.000 And then you just see them kind of skulking.

01:17:39.000 They just...

01:17:40.000 Yeah.

01:17:40.000 Oh, I like them.

01:17:41.000 Do you?

01:17:42.000 I like looking at them, but then I know what they're capable of, and you're like, get the fuck out of here.

01:17:45.000 Yeah, they will eat your dog, for sure.

01:17:47.000 Definitely.

01:17:48.000 They eat a lot of dogs.

01:17:49.000 I had a friend, she had her dog eating right in front of her.

01:17:52.000 She had a little Maltese, lived out in Westlake Village, in the broad daylight.

01:17:56.000 She was just standing in the backyard with a little Maltese, and a coyote just came and snatched it up right in front of her and just went away with it.

01:18:04.000 And you're like, there goes my dog.

01:18:06.000 Broad daylight.

01:18:06.000 Wow.

01:18:07.000 We got two little shits.

01:18:08.000 I don't let them run around in the yard.

01:18:10.000 Did she freak out?

01:18:10.000 Yeah, of course.

01:18:11.000 She was devastated.

01:18:12.000 She was traumatized.

01:18:13.000 Love that dog.

01:18:16.000 Maltese is essentially a lab dog.

01:18:18.000 You're not training that thing to do much else other than sleep with you and love you.

01:18:22.000 So it's a member of the family.

01:18:24.000 Yeah.

01:18:25.000 So sad.

01:18:26.000 It's like a fucking coyote snatches it up.

01:18:29.000 Crazy.

01:18:29.000 It's hard out there for a coyote though.

01:18:32.000 You catch that little fat dog slipping.

01:18:34.000 Yeah.

01:18:35.000 Stupid cunty dog getting fed by these people.

01:18:37.000 That's right, but they won't fuck with Marshall, right?

01:18:39.000 Like he's too big.

01:18:40.000 He's too big.

01:18:40.000 Yeah, he's too big.

01:18:41.000 Maybe two of them could try to take him down.

01:18:44.000 They might, yeah.

01:18:45.000 I mean if they felt like he wasn't gonna do anything about it, they felt like he was submissive or they felt like they could just get a hold of him, you know, who knows.

01:18:54.000 They've definitely killed dogs as big as him before.

01:18:56.000 You know?

01:18:58.000 Mountain lions love them.

01:18:59.000 They would love a dog that size.

01:19:00.000 Oh, for sure.

01:19:01.000 It's a lot of food.

01:19:02.000 Yeah.

01:19:03.000 Yeah.

01:19:04.000 We think coyotes sense that submissiveness, that...

01:19:07.000 I don't know.

01:19:08.000 I used to have a much bigger dog, but he died.

01:19:13.000 He was a Mastiff.

01:19:15.000 He was 13 years old.

01:19:16.000 We just put him to sleep a few months ago.

01:19:18.000 Sorry.

01:19:19.000 It was bad at the end.

01:19:20.000 We probably should have done it earlier, because at the end, he literally couldn't walk into the house to eat.

01:19:28.000 He was in the yard, and when I'd try to call him in for dinner, he couldn't walk.

01:19:32.000 Like, it was awful.

01:19:34.000 He would struggle to stand up, and then he would take like a half a step and pause, another half a step and pause, and his legs were shaking.

01:19:41.000 I mean, he was...

01:19:45.000 He is a beautiful dog.

01:19:47.000 Like so sweet.

01:19:49.000 Mastiffs are so kind.

01:19:51.000 They're like so calm.

01:19:52.000 It was so hard watching him struggle.

01:19:55.000 You know, because he was like breathing heavy and his mouth was open and he'd take a step and he'd be in agony and he was just so old.

01:20:05.000 For a Mastiff, 13 is so old.

01:20:08.000 Right, because the bigger dogs, they don't live as long, right?

01:20:10.000 They live like eight, nine years old.

01:20:13.000 For him to be 13, the vet was pretty shocked.

01:20:16.000 They're like, wow, this dog is old for a mastiff.

01:20:20.000 They're big.

01:20:21.000 Bert's got one of those, right?

01:20:23.000 Yeah, he's got one.

01:20:24.000 Priscilla.

01:20:25.000 Yeah.

01:20:26.000 They're fucking big.

01:20:27.000 They guard vampires.

01:20:28.000 Do they?

01:20:28.000 Mm-hmm.

01:20:29.000 They protect you from vampires or they guard for the vampires?

01:20:33.000 In the Anne Rice books, they're always guarding vampires.

01:20:37.000 They guard the vampires while they sleep.

01:20:38.000 Oh, that's right.

01:20:40.000 Those books were fucking good.

01:20:41.000 You know, Anne Rice went wacky and became a Christian at the end of it.

01:20:44.000 I know.

01:20:45.000 I've heard this.

01:20:46.000 I saw her on a flight once and then I Googled her and she's writing Christian stuff.

01:20:50.000 And she also wrote a bunch of S&M books.

01:20:53.000 Yeah, under a pseudonym.

01:20:56.000 It's all about spanking.

01:20:58.000 A lot of spanking.

01:20:59.000 It's very odd.

01:21:00.000 Yes, yes.

01:21:01.000 I had to read all of it.

01:21:02.000 Okay, let me ask you this.

01:21:03.000 What is it about women and vampires?

01:21:06.000 Oh, sure.

01:21:08.000 What's that?

01:21:08.000 I'll tell you.

01:21:09.000 It's the same, well, it's Control and Power, and I think similar to Fifty Shades of Grey, which I tried giving that a read, too, and I was like, nah, that's kind of stupid.

01:21:20.000 You're too smart for that.

01:21:21.000 I don't know.

01:21:22.000 I like dumb shit, believe me.

01:21:24.000 You don't like shit that dumb, though.

01:21:26.000 I tried.

01:21:27.000 I really tried.

01:21:28.000 I try to see what the deal is.

01:21:30.000 I always try to see why people are drawn to stuff.

01:21:33.000 I think it's a power thing.

01:21:34.000 So the vampire comes and takes control of you and you're totally submissive.

01:21:40.000 And somewhere, I think, in the female whatever DNA in our makeup, to have someone totally care for you and give your power to them, I think, is part of that.

01:21:52.000 It's also a metaphor for sexual liberation.

01:21:54.000 So maybe in a time when women couldn't be Sexually free, the vampire is a metaphor for loss of, you know, control and sexual desire and stuff.

01:22:02.000 I don't know.

01:22:03.000 That's my theory.

01:22:04.000 Same with the shades of gray.

01:22:06.000 Mostly it was, right, like housewives kind of were repressed.

01:22:09.000 It's a repressed sexual thing.

01:22:11.000 Yeah.

01:22:11.000 Because it wasn't that risque.

01:22:13.000 He was like a billionaire guy who liked to spit in their mouth and shit and do that kind of stuff.

01:22:18.000 I don't remember that part.

01:22:18.000 Didn't you do something like that?

01:22:19.000 I just know she had 500 orgasms the first time she ever had sex with her.

01:22:25.000 That's how it goes.

01:22:26.000 Yeah.

01:22:26.000 I know that is right.

01:22:27.000 Spit on.

01:22:28.000 Go ahead.

01:22:28.000 Try it out.

01:22:29.000 Spit on me.

01:22:30.000 Piss on me.

01:22:31.000 Be me.

01:22:31.000 Call me.

01:22:32.000 Yeah.

01:22:32.000 Okay.

01:22:33.000 Yeah.

01:22:33.000 What was that word?

01:22:34.000 The fake word that he said?

01:22:35.000 Hold me and yell.

01:22:36.000 Hold me and yell.

01:22:38.000 Her pen name wrote a book in 1985 called Exit to Eden.

01:22:42.000 That was one of the sadomasochist books that was turned into a movie.

01:22:46.000 Do you remember this movie starring Dan Aykroyd?

01:22:49.000 No.

01:22:50.000 Dan Aykroyd did it?

01:22:51.000 Oh, I do with Rosie O'Donnell.

01:22:53.000 That's right.

01:22:54.000 But it was a comedy, right?

01:22:56.000 Yeah, that's not...

01:22:57.000 Was it supposed to be a comedy?

01:22:58.000 I mean, it was based off the story, so I think Gary Marshall might have turned it into a comedy.

01:23:03.000 Oh, that's hilarious.

01:23:05.000 That's hilarious.

01:23:06.000 That is bizarre.

01:23:07.000 Did you know that she played a slow person?

01:23:09.000 Yes.

01:23:12.000 Yes.

01:23:14.000 Sorry.

01:23:15.000 Have you discussed this already?

01:23:16.000 No, I haven't.

01:23:17.000 But Sean Penn has also played a slow person.

01:23:20.000 But no one has quite done it the way Ben Stiller did.

01:23:23.000 Did you see that people were getting mad because some football player went a simple jack?

01:23:28.000 Sean White, the snowboarder.

01:23:30.000 Oh, Sean White.

01:23:31.000 Oh, that's right.

01:23:31.000 Yeah.

01:23:32.000 But not just him.

01:23:33.000 There's a couple other people that went a simple jack for Halloween.

01:23:37.000 And they were getting like, you can't go a simple jack anymore.

01:23:39.000 You can't be a simple person.

01:23:41.000 Huh.

01:23:44.000 Dumb characters are now out the window.

01:23:46.000 You can't be that anymore.

01:23:48.000 What happened?

01:23:49.000 What's going on with us?

01:23:50.000 I don't know.

01:23:50.000 Some weird new rules are popping up out of nowhere.

01:23:53.000 Like, wait, what?

01:23:53.000 But wasn't Simple Jack a parody of the thing?

01:23:57.000 It's a joke on a joke to play Simple Jack.

01:24:00.000 It's not that he's actually portraying a realistic portrayal of.

01:24:02.000 Right, right.

01:24:03.000 Simple Jack was a character.

01:24:05.000 Yeah.

01:24:06.000 Even in the movie, Simple Jack was a character in a movie.

01:24:09.000 It wasn't like an actual person.

01:24:11.000 Right.

01:24:12.000 It's a joke.

01:24:13.000 See, there it is.

01:24:15.000 Once upon a time, there was a retard.

01:24:17.000 Wow.

01:24:18.000 Is that what it said in the movie?

01:24:21.000 Yeah, it's a fake movie, though.

01:24:22.000 Wow.

01:24:24.000 I like the long lines.

01:24:26.000 See, that's not that long ago.

01:24:27.000 And here's the thing.

01:24:28.000 That movie also, that's all from Tropic Thunder.

01:24:30.000 That movie is also the last time anyone's allowed to wear blackface.

01:24:34.000 Ah, yes, yes.

01:24:35.000 That's it.

01:24:35.000 That's right.

01:24:36.000 That's it.

01:24:36.000 It's over now.

01:24:37.000 That's right.

01:24:38.000 Like, if Robert Downey Jr. tried to wear blackface in Tropic Thunder 2, imagine.

01:24:43.000 Imagine.

01:24:44.000 Just imagine the blowback.

01:24:47.000 Oh boy.

01:24:48.000 All the hurt feelings.

01:24:49.000 What happened?

01:24:51.000 Christina, what happened?

01:24:52.000 You're asking me this?

01:24:53.000 I'm confused.

01:24:54.000 This enormous question of what happened?

01:24:57.000 Yeah, I'm hoping you have a fresh take on it.

01:24:59.000 You want to know what I think it is, really?

01:25:01.000 Yes.

01:25:02.000 Okay.

01:25:04.000 I think since Donald Trump became the leader, and I think some people are so triggered by daddy, right?

01:25:12.000 Daddy's a little narcissistic at times.

01:25:14.000 Daddy's not very socially conscious at times.

01:25:18.000 And I think that's affected...

01:25:20.000 Because if you say anything kind of insensitive, then it's in align with that regime, maybe.

01:25:25.000 You know what I mean?

01:25:26.000 Even though you're...

01:25:27.000 Maybe you don't...

01:25:27.000 I don't identify with everything...

01:25:29.000 Trump stands for it.

01:25:30.000 I like inappropriate humor.

01:25:32.000 Yeah.

01:25:32.000 Doesn't mean I align with him.

01:25:34.000 But I think because he doesn't give any sensitivity to these groups that are marginalized, it makes the marginalized people upset.

01:25:41.000 I also think that people have realized that you can get people in trouble by pointing out the fact they're insensitive.

01:25:48.000 And you can come down on them hard.

01:25:50.000 And when you do, they move.

01:25:53.000 Things happen.

01:25:54.000 There's like a reaction.

01:25:56.000 Yeah, this is happening.

01:25:59.000 What's interesting is the impulse to destroy.

01:26:02.000 It started with shaming.

01:26:04.000 Fire them.

01:26:05.000 Take away their income.

01:26:07.000 Make them lose their house.

01:26:08.000 Disappear.

01:26:09.000 Louis C.K. banished.

01:26:11.000 Gone.

01:26:11.000 Go away.

01:26:12.000 Forever.

01:26:13.000 Right.

01:26:13.000 I'm not ready for you to come back yet.

01:26:15.000 Right.

01:26:15.000 Redemption.

01:26:16.000 And when is redemption allowed?

01:26:18.000 How soon?

01:26:20.000 Has he repented enough?

01:26:21.000 Do we feel like he's earned that?

01:26:23.000 There's all kinds of stuff.

01:26:25.000 Yeah.

01:26:25.000 And then who's accused?

01:26:27.000 What are the grounds for accusation?

01:26:29.000 Yes.

01:26:30.000 What's enough?

01:26:31.000 What's enough evidence?

01:26:32.000 Just somebody saying something.

01:26:33.000 It's good enough.

01:26:34.000 Believe all women.

01:26:35.000 Which I believe, obviously.

01:26:37.000 I mean, who the fuck, you know?

01:26:38.000 But then again, yeah, there are people who are lying, who do say things are true.

01:26:42.000 For sure.

01:26:43.000 Yeah.

01:26:43.000 But that believe all women thing, like, what about Casey Anthony?

01:26:47.000 Believe her?

01:26:48.000 Right.

01:26:48.000 You know?

01:26:49.000 What about Tonya Harding?

01:26:50.000 Believe her?

01:26:50.000 No, right?

01:26:51.000 You saw the movie.

01:26:52.000 Didn't you see the movie?

01:26:53.000 It's so funny.

01:26:54.000 There's a lot of them you shouldn't believe.

01:26:58.000 Yeah, they're people.

01:26:59.000 Yeah, exactly.

01:27:00.000 You never met a liar with a vagina?

01:27:01.000 That's outrageous.

01:27:04.000 They have vaginas too.

01:27:05.000 Liars are a whole separate breed.

01:27:07.000 They're non-gender specific.

01:27:10.000 That's right.

01:27:10.000 Oh, that's interesting.

01:27:11.000 They're non-binary.

01:27:12.000 They are non-binary.

01:27:13.000 Liars are just liars.

01:27:17.000 It's not like murderers.

01:27:20.000 Murderers are predominantly male.

01:27:22.000 This is true.

01:27:23.000 This is fucking true.

01:27:24.000 What's up with that?

01:27:26.000 Testosterone.

01:27:27.000 Yeah.

01:27:28.000 A long history of killing people.

01:27:30.000 It's only been within the last couple hundred years you get in trouble for it.

01:27:34.000 Testosterone.

01:27:34.000 That's true.

01:27:35.000 Actually, yes, that's true, right?

01:27:36.000 It used to be not that big a deal to kill people.

01:27:38.000 No.

01:27:39.000 You know, they killed each other.

01:27:40.000 Right.

01:27:41.000 People had duels.

01:27:42.000 I mean, there was a president that had a duel.

01:27:43.000 Which one?

01:27:44.000 I forget which one.

01:27:45.000 Jackson.

01:27:45.000 One of the presidents had a fucking duel while he was in office.

01:27:48.000 That's pretty rad.

01:27:49.000 Yeah.

01:27:50.000 But I think you guys kill because you can, physically.

01:27:54.000 Like right now, you could reach across this table and snap my neck because you're way bigger than me and way stronger than me.

01:28:00.000 I could poison you.

01:28:01.000 But men kill each other, too.

01:28:02.000 They kill each other when each other are the same size.

01:28:05.000 Yeah.

01:28:06.000 They kill people that are bigger than them.

01:28:09.000 It's a history of people killing people.

01:28:12.000 People are in the way.

01:28:14.000 They're a problem.

01:28:15.000 They're starting all sorts of shit.

01:28:18.000 They won't let you sleep.

01:28:19.000 And you're like, God damn it, I'm going to just stab this motherfucker.

01:28:21.000 And that's how men handle things, or have handled things.

01:28:25.000 Or sociopaths, rather.

01:28:26.000 Yes.

01:28:26.000 The sociopathic ones.

01:28:28.000 Yes, but I think particularly when it's more common, it becomes a cultural sort of artifact.

01:28:36.000 Like murder and violence becomes a part of life.

01:28:41.000 Like if you lived in ancient Rome, for instance.

01:28:44.000 And you got to the Coliseum and you watched people get chopped up with swords and eaten by lions.

01:28:48.000 And most people were...

01:28:49.000 A lot of murder taking place out in the streets and very few people got caught for anything.

01:28:55.000 Like, what kind of...

01:28:56.000 I mean, you'd have to be, like, right there to catch someone doing something to actually catch them.

01:29:00.000 That's true, yeah.

01:29:00.000 No fingerprints, no DNA, no understanding of anything.

01:29:04.000 I mean, who the fuck knows who killed anybody?

01:29:06.000 And people were just getting away with it left and right.

01:29:08.000 I mean...

01:29:10.000 What is this?

01:29:12.000 Alexander Hamilton and Aaron Burr.

01:29:14.000 Burr was the sitting Vice President at the time.

01:29:16.000 He fought the Vice President?

01:29:18.000 Aaron Burr was, yeah.

01:29:20.000 Alexander Hamilton was the former Secretary of the Treasury, I believe, at the time.

01:29:24.000 And they were political rivals.

01:29:26.000 Whoa!

01:29:27.000 Political rivals and they had a duel.

01:29:28.000 And who won?

01:29:30.000 Burr.

01:29:31.000 Burr won?

01:29:32.000 Yeah.

01:29:32.000 And how did he win?

01:29:34.000 Mortally wounded.

01:29:35.000 Shot him.

01:29:35.000 Killed him?

01:29:36.000 Yeah.

01:29:37.000 Damn, homie.

01:29:38.000 It was a bunch of artist renderings of whatever it looked like.

01:29:41.000 I don't know how many people were there.

01:29:42.000 Isn't that crazy?

01:29:43.000 They would stand like ten paces.

01:29:44.000 They would walk away from each other and then shoot each other.

01:29:47.000 Yeah, but see, does that seem like a fair thing?

01:29:50.000 It's just really who's quicker on the draw.

01:29:51.000 It's not really who's stronger or more like an elegant fighter.

01:29:55.000 I don't know.

01:29:56.000 You judge fights all the time.

01:29:58.000 Well, they wanted to kill each other.

01:30:00.000 That's the thing.

01:30:01.000 It's like, so let's figure out a way where we can kill each other or try to kill each other, and we make an agreement on how it works.

01:30:08.000 It's really stupid.

01:30:09.000 Yeah, right?

01:30:11.000 Yeah, it's really stupid.

01:30:12.000 Like, you shouldn't tell someone that you want to kill.

01:30:14.000 The idea was, like, to make it so that either guy had a fair chance.

01:30:18.000 It's fair killing.

01:30:21.000 Right.

01:30:21.000 Do you know that some states, like particularly Washington State, Have mutually agreed combat laws?

01:30:28.000 No.

01:30:29.000 Yeah.

01:30:29.000 So like if you and Jamie just decided to fuck each other up, I think it might have to be girl on girl or boy on boy.

01:30:36.000 But if Jamie just said to me like, dude, I'm tired of your bullshit.

01:30:39.000 I want to fuck you up.

01:30:40.000 And I'd be like, I want to fuck you up too.

01:30:42.000 And we just decided and agreed cops will stand by and let them beat the shit out of each other.

01:30:48.000 I kind of respect that.

01:30:50.000 Some Old West type shit about that, right?

01:30:52.000 Well, I will say, knowing what I know about males, it's kind of the way, at least growing up and the time I did, that's how guys sorted shit out, right?

01:31:00.000 Yeah.

01:31:01.000 Some guy was giving you some static, you put him in his place, and then the beef is over, right?

01:31:05.000 Yeah, but you don't want to have to do that.

01:31:07.000 The problem with that kind of shit is, what if that guy can kick your ass and he's giving you some static?

01:31:11.000 Like, what, are you going to let him beat you up now?

01:31:13.000 That's true.

01:31:14.000 You know, like you don't want to have to fight someone or even have to know how to fight or have to be in a position where you might get fucked up by a guy just because he likes to talk a lot.

01:31:27.000 God damn, this guy's talking me into some sort of a beef, and he doesn't mind if he gets his brains punched in.

01:31:32.000 He's already stupid.

01:31:33.000 That's true.

01:31:34.000 That's so fucked up.

01:31:35.000 God, being a man's terrible.

01:31:37.000 What's better, being a man or being a woman?

01:31:39.000 Well, I will say in terms of power, being a dude, listen, white guys rule everything.

01:31:44.000 It's going to be that way for a minute longer until these fucking old Supreme Court guys kick it.

01:31:49.000 You know what I mean?

01:31:49.000 Do you think that's going to change everything?

01:31:52.000 Well, here's...

01:31:53.000 I think whoever...

01:31:56.000 Who controls the money and the power.

01:31:58.000 First you get the money.

01:31:59.000 And then you get the power.

01:32:00.000 Then you get the power!

01:32:01.000 Yes, it's actually true, right?

01:32:04.000 That's real power.

01:32:05.000 You know what I'm saying?

01:32:05.000 Who controls industry and who controls the government.

01:32:08.000 So, until that changes.

01:32:11.000 Do you think those Supreme Court guys and gals get together and go to one of them eyes wide shut parties?

01:32:17.000 Yes.

01:32:17.000 Do you?

01:32:18.000 Yes.

01:32:19.000 What is that?

01:32:20.000 The...

01:32:21.000 Bohemian Grove.

01:32:22.000 Illuminati.

01:32:23.000 Illuminati.

01:32:23.000 The Bilderberg group.

01:32:24.000 Yeah.

01:32:25.000 Yeah.

01:32:25.000 I started to watch a documentary on the Freemasons on Netflix.

01:32:30.000 The most boring fucking thing I ever saw.

01:32:32.000 I had to tap out after five minutes.

01:32:33.000 Yeah.

01:32:34.000 Yeah.

01:32:34.000 Because it's like a legit organization where a bunch of nerds get together and do rituals.

01:32:38.000 Yeah, they're real nerdy.

01:32:38.000 Yeah, it's not even exciting.

01:32:40.000 I met a pre-Mason in Houston who was trying to tell me all about it.

01:32:42.000 I fell asleep.

01:32:43.000 Yeah.

01:32:44.000 What?

01:32:45.000 Are you still talking?

01:32:46.000 I bet we have a handshake and you're like...

01:32:48.000 We have a secret pyramid and inside that pyramid's an eye and that eye reverends the eye of Horace.

01:32:53.000 Yeah, where's the witchcraft?

01:32:54.000 Yeah.

01:32:56.000 Yeah.

01:32:57.000 Let's get weird, man.

01:32:58.000 But you know about the public execution stuff you were talking about earlier?

01:33:03.000 Yeah.

01:33:05.000 There's that book by Foucault, you know that old French philosopher?

01:33:08.000 He talked about the scaffold scenes and whether or not they worked as deterrent for people committing crimes.

01:33:13.000 Mm-hmm.

01:33:14.000 So now we don't have public execution, but we do shit behind closed doors, right?

01:33:18.000 We don't hang somebody, but we quietly give somebody a lethal injection.

01:33:23.000 And it's all very civilized, right, to kill somebody.

01:33:26.000 But I wonder which works better.

01:33:28.000 Is the public deterrent thing of like, hey dude, you steal some shit?

01:33:31.000 Because look at Saudi Arabia.

01:33:33.000 They'll cut your fucking hand off.

01:33:35.000 Right.

01:33:36.000 If you, you know, steal.

01:33:38.000 Yeah.

01:33:39.000 I don't know.

01:33:40.000 I wonder if the public versus the private punishment, if that ever really works on weirdos.

01:33:46.000 Yeah.

01:33:47.000 Would it stop men from murdering?

01:33:50.000 I mean, I think people that do it get caught up in what they would call crimes of passion, right?

01:33:57.000 I don't like that.

01:33:58.000 They get caught up in this moment and they just can't help themselves.

01:34:02.000 And they want to kill someone more than they want to be free.

01:34:06.000 They just want to kill us motherfuckers.

01:34:07.000 They deal with that law shit later.

01:34:10.000 Right now I got a rock and that dude's got a head.

01:34:13.000 I need to connect this rock to that guy's fucking head.

01:34:16.000 What's this?

01:34:17.000 Last public hanging in Kentucky in 1936. Jesus.

01:34:21.000 Look how many people showed up.

01:34:25.000 See, humans like that stuff.

01:34:27.000 We like to see it.

01:34:28.000 They love it.

01:34:29.000 Look at those guys climbing up on trees and shit in the background.

01:34:32.000 Look at that.

01:34:32.000 I got a good look.

01:34:34.000 Can't see them back here.

01:34:35.000 There's one other one, too.

01:34:36.000 This was in France, 1939. It's a guillotine.

01:34:40.000 On the street, basically.

01:34:42.000 And you know at the guillotine, that it wasn't a clean cut the first time, and they'd have to do it a few times.

01:34:49.000 Oh, really?

01:34:49.000 Uh-huh.

01:34:50.000 Not always a good...

01:34:51.000 You always hoped for a sharp blade.

01:34:55.000 Yeah.

01:34:57.000 That's the last public execution in France?

01:35:00.000 Yeah, that's what it says, yeah.

01:35:01.000 What year was that?

01:35:02.000 1939. Whoa!

01:35:04.000 That's like recent.

01:35:05.000 39?

01:35:07.000 Whoa.

01:35:07.000 Was there a video of this?

01:35:08.000 It says he was a German criminal.

01:35:10.000 I don't think there's a video.

01:35:11.000 Cut his head off.

01:35:13.000 Wow, that's crazy.

01:35:15.000 We only have the box standing there.

01:35:17.000 Two peoples ago, Joe, was your thing.

01:35:20.000 Yeah, the United States was founded three peoples ago.

01:35:23.000 That's true.

01:35:24.000 That's crazy.

01:35:26.000 That's what's hard to really understand how much cultural evolution has taken place just during our lifetime.

01:35:33.000 It's hard to imagine.

01:35:35.000 It's hard to imagine.

01:35:35.000 What year were you born?

01:35:37.000 76. Could you imagine if you had a time machine and you can go back to 1976 and just wander around the streets and see what people were like?

01:35:46.000 You're like, oh my god, you guys are children.

01:35:47.000 You don't know shit.

01:35:48.000 You have no internet.

01:35:49.000 You barely read.

01:35:50.000 I know.

01:35:51.000 What do you do?

01:35:53.000 Sorry.

01:35:53.000 What's that?

01:35:54.000 There's a video of that?

01:35:55.000 It's not really a good video, but...

01:35:56.000 Let's see it.

01:35:57.000 Look at all these people.

01:35:59.000 Gather around.

01:36:00.000 Gather around.

01:36:01.000 We're fixing to drop the hammer.

01:36:03.000 Oh, here it is.

01:36:05.000 Oof.

01:36:06.000 Oh, get him in there.

01:36:07.000 Get in there, bitch.

01:36:10.000 The German.

01:36:11.000 Ready?

01:36:11.000 And chunk!

01:36:12.000 Oh!

01:36:14.000 On one take.

01:36:15.000 Good job.

01:36:17.000 Ooh, do that again.

01:36:17.000 Show that again.

01:36:18.000 Yeah, I know, right?

01:36:22.000 Get him in there and...

01:36:24.000 Bam!

01:36:25.000 That is a crazy way to kill someone.

01:36:28.000 Yes.

01:36:29.000 Leave it to the French.

01:36:30.000 Well, it's efficient.

01:36:31.000 I think that's why.

01:36:32.000 It's a guillotine.

01:36:33.000 Yeah.

01:36:33.000 Yeah, this is what we do.

01:36:35.000 It's a machine.

01:36:36.000 We do not do it with our hands.

01:36:38.000 We do it with the machine.

01:36:40.000 Yeah.

01:36:41.000 Well, back to your statement, I often find myself, because I'm 42 years old, and I do find myself being like, the world has changed completely since I was a kid growing up in the 80s and in the 90s.

01:36:53.000 Especially in the last decade.

01:36:55.000 Even just from the time I started doing stand-up and the audiences and how you have to adjust kind of how you're doing comedy to how it's received.

01:37:03.000 Yeah.

01:37:04.000 I mean, just even this thing.

01:37:06.000 Phones.

01:37:07.000 This is bananas.

01:37:08.000 Yeah.

01:37:09.000 I have a computer right here and I can watch movies.

01:37:11.000 I can Google anything I want.

01:37:13.000 Yeah.

01:37:14.000 I can find my way home.

01:37:15.000 Remember when you had to like remember how to get home?

01:37:18.000 How about when it tells you you're 22 minutes from home?

01:37:21.000 Like, bitch, you don't know where I live.

01:37:22.000 Yeah.

01:37:23.000 How do you know it's going there?

01:37:24.000 It tells you where you stop every night.

01:37:25.000 I know!

01:37:26.000 You're like, no, that ain't my home.

01:37:27.000 That's my side piece's house.

01:37:31.000 Yeah.

01:37:32.000 Yeah, like, what if your husband looked at you?

01:37:34.000 Hey, why does it say you're only 15 minutes from home?

01:37:36.000 We live a half an hour from here!

01:37:37.000 I know!

01:37:38.000 Because that's that side dick, that side dick 15 minutes away.

01:37:42.000 Right, I mean, cheating now, you've got to have a burner, right?

01:37:46.000 I mean, because your wife could just fucking...

01:37:48.000 I think if you're cheating today, you're just, you're a reckless, reckless individual.

01:37:55.000 If you're using your phone, yeah, if you're using your phone and cheating, ooh, reckless person.

01:38:01.000 Crazy talk.

01:38:02.000 Ooh, reckless person.

01:38:04.000 Yeah, but if you got a burner phone, people are like, what's up with that Kmart phone?

01:38:09.000 Oh, your wife's going to find that.

01:38:10.000 Where'd you get that fucking CVS flip phone you got?

01:38:13.000 Oh, and by the way, I heard you guys talking about me not being ride or die with Segura.

01:38:19.000 Yeah, well, you're going to turn him in.

01:38:20.000 I'll turn him in in a hot second.

01:38:23.000 Crime of passion?

01:38:24.000 Yeah, no, no, no.

01:38:25.000 Here's my problem.

01:38:26.000 I'd be ride or die when it came to premeditated under the condition of somebody's threatening my family.

01:38:33.000 But let's say he goes to Starbucks and the barista gets his order wrong, which is the scenario we discussed, and then he snaps and kills the barista.

01:38:42.000 That's the shit I'm talking about, where I'm like, oh, this person's crazy.

01:38:45.000 Like, you've turned a corner mentally.

01:38:47.000 Well, how about the guy fuck up the order?

01:38:51.000 Good point, yeah.

01:38:52.000 I mean, what if you said sugar-free and it clearly has sugar in it?

01:38:55.000 Right.

01:38:56.000 Right?

01:38:56.000 Right.

01:38:56.000 Or non-fat.

01:38:57.000 Yeah.

01:38:58.000 And it gives you a whole fat half-calf.

01:38:59.000 Ugh.

01:39:00.000 Ugh.

01:39:00.000 How much anxiety do you get when you go to Starbucks and the barista makes someone else's order before yours that ordered after you?

01:39:07.000 Do you know what I mean?

01:39:07.000 Like they call that person's name?

01:39:08.000 I get so fucking angry.

01:39:10.000 I drink coffee.

01:39:11.000 Yeah.

01:39:12.000 Oh, just drip.

01:39:13.000 Yeah.

01:39:13.000 Give me a grande coffee, please.

01:39:16.000 Which roast?

01:39:17.000 The dark one.

01:39:18.000 Whatever.

01:39:19.000 Just give me fucking coffee.

01:39:20.000 That's what I get.

01:39:21.000 I get a cup of coffee.

01:39:22.000 I put some cream in it and I'm good.

01:39:23.000 You don't do pumpkin spice?

01:39:25.000 I don't fuck with any of this stuff.

01:39:26.000 Wow.

01:39:28.000 Yeah.

01:39:29.000 But my wife does drink vanilla lattes that are sugar-free with heavy cream.

01:39:35.000 Heavy cream instead of milk.

01:39:37.000 That's interesting.

01:39:38.000 They're pretty goddamn good.

01:39:39.000 And they're sugar-free.

01:39:40.000 Oh, that's nice.

01:39:41.000 Those are goddamn good.

01:39:42.000 Those are good.

01:39:43.000 But they're not coffee.

01:39:44.000 It's like a drink.

01:39:45.000 You're drinking a drink.

01:39:46.000 It's like a milkshake.

01:39:47.000 Yeah, a lot of calories.

01:39:48.000 Yeah, a lot of calories.

01:39:50.000 It's good before you work out.

01:39:51.000 I drank one of those this morning before I hit the hills.

01:39:55.000 Is she on the same diet you are?

01:39:56.000 She was on keto for a while.

01:39:59.000 Now she got off of that, but she might get back on it again.

01:40:02.000 We were here last night.

01:40:04.000 I went running today, and I was hobbling because we were drunk bench pressing last night.

01:40:10.000 That's so stupid.

01:40:11.000 While drunk bench pressing, I pulled a muscle in my leg.

01:40:16.000 Of course you did.

01:40:17.000 They're like, how many times do you think you can press 225?

01:40:20.000 I'm like, that's a lot.

01:40:21.000 That's a lot.

01:40:22.000 Give me that you pussies like we're so drunk So drunk and I bench press 225 pounds like 11 times and on the 11th time I felt something go on my leg But I ignored it seemed fine.

01:40:36.000 I was walking around everything is fine But then running today was not fine as soon as I was running as soon as I got on the hills and then I was pushing it I was like, oh I fucked something up in my leg drunk bench pressing and You're so crazy, you're back to exercising already.

01:40:51.000 Oh, I was exercising two days afterwards.

01:40:53.000 Yeah, but not as much.

01:40:55.000 I mean, I ran the hills today.

01:40:56.000 That was kind of hard.

01:40:56.000 But now I'm fucked.

01:40:57.000 I really am limping.

01:40:59.000 I've got to figure out what this is.

01:41:00.000 Yeah.

01:41:00.000 Well, plus on hills, it's uneven terrain and there's rocks and shit, right?

01:41:04.000 It can't be good for your knees.

01:41:06.000 No, that's not a problem.

01:41:08.000 My knees were sore.

01:41:10.000 My knees were a little sore.

01:41:11.000 My feet were sore.

01:41:13.000 My ankles were sore.

01:41:14.000 Because there's a lot of pounding, a lot of running.

01:41:17.000 Yes.

01:41:18.000 And I take my dog.

01:41:20.000 That's how he stays chill.

01:41:22.000 That's right.

01:41:23.000 If he runs with me a couple miles a day, he's so chill.

01:41:26.000 He's just relaxed.

01:41:27.000 If he doesn't, he's like, what are we doing, man?

01:41:29.000 We can't just sit around this fucking house.

01:41:31.000 We gotta do something.

01:41:32.000 That's what Cesar Millan says.

01:41:34.000 You gotta tire him out.

01:41:35.000 Calm, submissive energies.

01:41:37.000 Yeah.

01:41:37.000 Is that what he says?

01:41:38.000 Calm, submissive energy.

01:41:39.000 And if they work out, then they're chill and you can tell them what to do.

01:41:42.000 Yeah.

01:41:43.000 No, that's definitely true.

01:41:44.000 Yeah, for sure.

01:41:45.000 Especially, my dog's pretty young.

01:41:48.000 He'll turn two next month.

01:41:50.000 So he's basically a pup still.

01:41:52.000 Super sweet.

01:41:53.000 Yeah, he's a gorgeous dog.

01:41:55.000 He's a sweetie.

01:41:56.000 He's the sweetest of sweeties.

01:41:58.000 He's a really good dog.

01:42:00.000 You know, I was listening to Ari talk some shit on your wrap-up show, whatever, from Sober October, and it's so funny when he's like, well, these two are obese.

01:42:11.000 He's like, I just eat normal.

01:42:13.000 Which is so true.

01:42:15.000 What is fucking Ari?

01:42:16.000 Is he on the keto?

01:42:17.000 No, he's normal.

01:42:18.000 He was fat at one point in time.

01:42:20.000 No.

01:42:20.000 Yeah, he had a sugar problem.

01:42:22.000 He was eating candy, like all the time, and then he realized he had a candy problem.

01:42:26.000 Ari's very smart.

01:42:27.000 He recognizes he has problems and he even fixes them.

01:42:30.000 And that's something that Fat Burt doesn't do.

01:42:35.000 That's why Ari's better than Burt.

01:42:37.000 Ari did change his life.

01:42:39.000 I mean, we kind of started at the same time in comedy.

01:42:42.000 I didn't really know him, know him until much later.

01:42:45.000 But yeah, I remember him being kind of a fuck-up.

01:42:47.000 And then he turned his shit around.

01:42:50.000 That's pretty amazing.

01:42:51.000 Well, he did a lot of different things.

01:42:55.000 Sorry, Ari.

01:42:56.000 No disrespect.

01:42:57.000 He's successful now.

01:42:58.000 He's also doing it his way.

01:43:02.000 Like, really, truly doing it his way.

01:43:05.000 Like, he doesn't...

01:43:06.000 He's got no one that tells him what to do.

01:43:08.000 And then he's gonna keep it that way.

01:43:10.000 He doesn't have any expensive taste at all.

01:43:13.000 He wears normal clothes.

01:43:14.000 He doesn't even own a fucking watch.

01:43:16.000 You know?

01:43:17.000 He's like, why would I have a watch?

01:43:19.000 I can see the time.

01:43:20.000 It's on my phone.

01:43:23.000 When was the last time you were somewhere where you couldn't find the time?

01:43:25.000 Yeah.

01:43:25.000 On his flip phone.

01:43:26.000 Yeah.

01:43:27.000 Doesn't even have like a nice phone.

01:43:28.000 He doesn't want one.

01:43:29.000 Because he realizes he gets addicted to social media.

01:43:32.000 Yeah.

01:43:32.000 He gets addicted to like Googling things and tweeting and all that shit.

01:43:36.000 Yeah.

01:43:36.000 You just can't do it.

01:43:37.000 You can't handle it.

01:43:39.000 Yeah.

01:43:39.000 You just have...

01:43:41.000 I get it, but you just have to have discipline.

01:43:43.000 I agree, yeah.

01:43:44.000 For me, I don't have a problem not looking at my phone for hours at a time.

01:43:49.000 I think you've got to just decide that that's how you live.

01:43:52.000 You don't just live checking your phone constantly.

01:43:56.000 So you and I grew up in a time where we didn't compulsively check our phones.

01:44:00.000 And now I've had to learn to give a shit about it.

01:44:03.000 Like, what email came in?

01:44:05.000 But imagine our children.

01:44:07.000 I was listening to you talk to Elon Musk about how this is like an extension.

01:44:13.000 Technology will just grow into a human being, right?

01:44:17.000 Well, my daughter's friends, my 10-year-old daughter's friend, all of them have phones except for like two or three of them.

01:44:24.000 Ten.

01:44:24.000 Yeah.

01:44:25.000 Ten.

01:44:25.000 What are they doing at ten?

01:44:27.000 Is it social media?

01:44:27.000 This one girl, my wife always jokes.

01:44:30.000 She goes, when you see her, she'll have a phone in her hand.

01:44:32.000 She always has a phone in her hand.

01:44:34.000 She never puts that fucking phone down.

01:44:36.000 She stares at that phone while she's talking to her friend.

01:44:38.000 She's playing with things.

01:44:39.000 She goes, this is why I don't want our kids to have phones.

01:44:41.000 And then we meet her at Starbucks.

01:44:43.000 She's looking at her phone.

01:44:44.000 Oh, hi.

01:44:44.000 It's like a scene in a movie.

01:44:45.000 She's like, hi, how are you?

01:44:47.000 She's looking at her phone, checking things.

01:44:49.000 Like they're texting each other back and forth constantly at ten.

01:44:52.000 They're manipulating each other.

01:44:54.000 Like, one of them will say something to get the other one's goat, and then she'll go radio silent on her.

01:44:58.000 Like, oh, you little cunt.

01:44:59.000 You learn how to do that at ten?

01:45:02.000 They're fucking with each other at ten.

01:45:03.000 Dude, that's normal, though.

01:45:04.000 That girl evil shit, you learn to cult.

01:45:06.000 You do that stuff early, but with this, it's even more insidious.

01:45:10.000 You can't have a group of three girls, because one's going to be out all the time.

01:45:13.000 It's just what girls do.

01:45:14.000 It's evil shit.

01:45:15.000 Why is that?

01:45:15.000 Why do girls do that?

01:45:17.000 Well...

01:45:18.000 What's the evolutionary biology solution?

01:45:22.000 Like, what is the cause, the root?

01:45:24.000 Right.

01:45:25.000 One is your ally, one is your enemy.

01:45:28.000 I don't know.

01:45:29.000 You gotta fuck her husband because you want that new dick and you want those sperm for the eggs.

01:45:34.000 I want to fuck my friend's husband.

01:45:37.000 No, no.

01:45:37.000 I think it's a threat.

01:45:39.000 The other bitches are a threat.

01:45:40.000 Right.

01:45:40.000 Yeah.

01:45:41.000 Other bitches are a threat.

01:45:42.000 Yeah.

01:45:42.000 But they're a threat because they want to fuck your husband.

01:45:45.000 Yeah.

01:45:46.000 Yeah.

01:45:46.000 So you gotta figure out a way to manipulate them.

01:45:48.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:45:49.000 Keep them nervous.

01:45:49.000 Keep those hoes in check.

01:45:51.000 That's right.

01:45:52.000 Make them fuck up.

01:45:54.000 So you keep one hole close to you.

01:45:56.000 You trust.

01:45:56.000 You keep the other bitches out.

01:45:58.000 That's right.

01:45:59.000 Damn.

01:45:59.000 Now I'm talking.

01:46:01.000 Yeah.

01:46:01.000 Psychology.

01:46:03.000 It's fascinating.

01:46:04.000 But with men, too.

01:46:05.000 You know, there's guys that will fuck your wife, you know?

01:46:08.000 There's guys that will move on them.

01:46:09.000 Say, yeah, you know, look, I don't want to be that guy, but you deserve better than Tommy.

01:46:15.000 You're just a bad guy.

01:46:17.000 Oh, my God.

01:46:18.000 I've had friends in the past do that.

01:46:20.000 To your lady?

01:46:21.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:46:21.000 And then they'd go straight to me and tell me.

01:46:24.000 Hell, yeah.

01:46:25.000 And I'd go to the guy.

01:46:26.000 I'd go, I guess we're not friends, huh?

01:46:27.000 I thought we were friends.

01:46:29.000 You fucking weasel.

01:46:30.000 Damn.

01:46:31.000 Dude, listen, I'm friends with her too.

01:46:33.000 Fuck you.

01:46:39.000 There's certain guys that are like that.

01:46:41.000 There's certain guys that just, like, I had a friend when I was growing up who always wanted to fuck the girlfriends of other guys.

01:46:49.000 And then if those guys broke up with the girl, he would immediately fuck them.

01:46:53.000 I'm like, dude, he's your friend.

01:46:55.000 She's fucking, she's free.

01:46:56.000 She's free now.

01:46:58.000 Free market.

01:46:59.000 Are those hyenas where they prey on the carcass?

01:47:02.000 What animal preys on the carcass?

01:47:05.000 Scavengers.

01:47:05.000 They're just waiting for that breakup.

01:47:08.000 That guy is always around, and he's the guy you're friends with for a while, for like a few years, and he acts cool, and then the minute you break up...

01:47:15.000 Yeah, he moves in.

01:47:17.000 Yeah, dude, he's the shoulder you cry on.

01:47:18.000 It took me a few years to learn that guy, yeah.

01:47:21.000 I'm like, oh shit, you're not my friend, dude.

01:47:23.000 How about the ones that are supposed to be your friend?

01:47:24.000 That's, yeah.

01:47:25.000 And they're playing like they're your friend, but really they're just waiting for a moment to slip it in.

01:47:30.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:47:30.000 It's going to be a time when she's vulnerable.

01:47:32.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:47:33.000 It's going to be a time.

01:47:34.000 I always, it shows if there's a guy and a girl together and I'm like, oh, are you on a date?

01:47:38.000 No, he's just my friend.

01:47:39.000 I'm like...

01:47:40.000 Oh, bitch!

01:47:41.000 He wants to fuck you!

01:47:42.000 He does, but some girls know it, and they just keep that guy around, because he'll drive them to the mall, and he'll fucking take them to dinner.

01:47:48.000 But he just went out with Mike.

01:47:49.000 He's a sweetie.

01:47:51.000 Meanwhile, Mike is just beating off his finger up his ass, thinking about you.

01:47:56.000 Poor Mike.

01:47:57.000 With his finger in his ass, double?

01:47:59.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:48:00.000 Just fucking one in the asshole.

01:48:02.000 Two of them are grabbing the balls like a bowling ball.

01:48:06.000 One's in the asshole.

01:48:08.000 He's angry when he's coming.

01:48:10.000 Shit!

01:48:11.000 Fuck!

01:48:11.000 Shit!

01:48:14.000 Men are so nasty.

01:48:16.000 Y'all are so damn nasty.

01:48:17.000 Angry that it's not working out.

01:48:19.000 Fucking shit!

01:48:20.000 And then she texts him after he comes, just looking at it, like, no, we're not friends!

01:48:25.000 Not friends.

01:48:27.000 That's terrible.

01:48:28.000 I can't wait to shut it down, though, you know.

01:48:30.000 Shut it down.

01:48:31.000 I can't wait to hit menopause.

01:48:33.000 Really?

01:48:34.000 Let me tell you how much work it is, like, especially when you hit your 40s.

01:48:37.000 I gotta do Pilates twice a week.

01:48:38.000 I gotta eat the fucking Primal.

01:48:40.000 I'm on the Primal diet.

01:48:42.000 So I don't eat anything.

01:48:43.000 Primal Blueprint?

01:48:44.000 Yes.

01:48:44.000 Mark Sisson's diet?

01:48:45.000 Yeah.

01:48:46.000 He's a sponsor of this show.

01:48:47.000 Oh, yeah?

01:48:48.000 Yes.

01:48:48.000 Okay.

01:48:49.000 He's been on the podcast for a couple times.

01:48:50.000 Yes.

01:48:51.000 Great guy.

01:48:52.000 I tried to...

01:48:52.000 I was trying to...

01:48:53.000 I have, like, baby brain.

01:48:54.000 I was trying to listen to The Vegan Doctor versus the...

01:48:57.000 That's a good one.

01:48:58.000 Yeah.

01:48:59.000 Chris Kresher.

01:49:00.000 Yeah.

01:49:00.000 I just...

01:49:01.000 I have to listen in pieces because it's pretty intricate, you know?

01:49:03.000 It's very intense.

01:49:04.000 Yeah.

01:49:05.000 Yeah.

01:49:06.000 But, like, anyway.

01:49:08.000 The point being, I can't wait to shut it the fuck down.

01:49:11.000 Really?

01:49:11.000 Yeah, and just wear, like, culottes and Birkenstocks.

01:49:15.000 Are you gonna wear Crocs?

01:49:16.000 Ever?

01:49:16.000 Fuck yeah, I'm gonna wear Crocs.

01:49:18.000 Really?

01:49:18.000 With socks or no socks?

01:49:20.000 Socks, because my feet get real sweaty, you know?

01:49:22.000 Yeah.

01:49:23.000 And I'm gonna get real short hair cut, like, just above the ears.

01:49:26.000 Like Nanette?

01:49:26.000 Yeah.

01:49:33.000 The Nanette, yes.

01:49:35.000 Yeah, or like that Ashley Rose.

01:49:37.000 What's her name?

01:49:37.000 Amber Rose?

01:49:38.000 Oh, she's so pretty, though.

01:49:39.000 No, the other one.

01:49:40.000 Amber Rose is the hot one.

01:49:41.000 Yeah.

01:49:42.000 But then the other one, Ruby Rose.

01:49:44.000 I don't know that one.

01:49:45.000 She's the one who played the hitman in the John Wick movie.

01:49:48.000 Oh, oh, yeah.

01:49:49.000 Yeah.

01:49:50.000 John Wick, too.

01:49:50.000 I like those movies a lot, man.

01:49:52.000 I love John Wick movies.

01:49:53.000 Yeah, Fuck With No Man's Dog.

01:49:54.000 Can't kill a man's dog.

01:49:56.000 Yeah, dude.

01:49:57.000 It's gonna kill everybody you know.

01:49:58.000 Yeah, I respect that.

01:49:59.000 Cute little puppy.

01:50:00.000 Yeah.

01:50:01.000 Beat it to death.

01:50:02.000 Yeah.

01:50:04.000 Yeah, her.

01:50:05.000 Oh, she's gorgeous.

01:50:05.000 Yeah, she and I have the same acting teacher.

01:50:08.000 Do you?

01:50:08.000 I've seen her leave.

01:50:09.000 Do you have an acting teacher?

01:50:10.000 I have a coach that I go to before auditions.

01:50:13.000 Yeah?

01:50:13.000 Oh, that's a good move.

01:50:14.000 Yeah.

01:50:15.000 I'm not great at it.

01:50:16.000 But at this point, like with the...

01:50:18.000 I'm not terrible at it.

01:50:21.000 You!

01:50:21.000 What are you talking about?

01:50:22.000 I'm not good at acting.

01:50:23.000 You're fantastic.

01:50:24.000 Hello.

01:50:24.000 What have you ever seen me act in?

01:50:26.000 News, radio.

01:50:27.000 That shit's easy.

01:50:28.000 That's all I want to do.

01:50:30.000 But that's all I want to do.

01:50:31.000 It's very easy.

01:50:32.000 Give me the tutorial on sitcom acting.

01:50:34.000 Just do it.

01:50:36.000 Just pretend you're that person.

01:50:38.000 The end.

01:50:40.000 Wait a minute.

01:50:41.000 There's no method.

01:50:42.000 You don't have to walk around in character for days.

01:50:45.000 No.

01:50:45.000 Memorize what you're supposed to say.

01:50:47.000 Pretend to be that person.

01:50:49.000 Do it a bunch of times so you know how to do it the right way.

01:50:52.000 And then go in and don't be nervous.

01:50:54.000 That's the thing is not choking.

01:50:56.000 Yeah.

01:50:56.000 That's a big part of it.

01:50:57.000 A big part of auditions is ready, go.

01:51:00.000 Yeah.

01:51:00.000 And you got to be normal.

01:51:02.000 You got to be normal in that, especially if it's like a calm scene or a weird scene or a love scene or something like that.

01:51:07.000 It's all these assholes staring at you with fucking notepads and stacks of other people's bios and headshots and, you know, the whole thing is bizarre.

01:51:16.000 It's the worst.

01:51:17.000 It's so different than actual acting, too, because it's like you're doing it in this weird environment.

01:51:22.000 There's a conference table.

01:51:23.000 The person who's reading with you is probably...

01:51:25.000 Like, I did one, and it was...

01:51:27.000 The person who read with me was so insultingly bad at it that I was really frustrated.

01:51:33.000 I was like some PA, and he was like, I just don't know if this is what was...

01:51:40.000 Supposed to happen with us.

01:51:42.000 I was like, come on, man.

01:51:43.000 If you're gonna fucking...

01:51:44.000 Just say the words so I can respond to this.

01:51:47.000 I can't...

01:51:47.000 What the fuck is wrong?

01:51:48.000 This is what I want to say.

01:51:49.000 If you were talking to me like that, I'd be like, what is wrong with you?

01:51:52.000 Why can't you talk?

01:51:53.000 Are you on drugs?

01:51:55.000 Did you get hit in the head?

01:51:57.000 Did a coconut fall out of a tree and almost kill you?

01:52:01.000 Ah, Joe.

01:52:02.000 See, this is why you're so successful.

01:52:04.000 This is why.

01:52:06.000 Well, because in a world of bullshit...

01:52:08.000 You know what I mean?

01:52:09.000 You gotta keep it 100. I don't think the world is...

01:52:12.000 I don't think it's a world of bullshit.

01:52:14.000 I think there's a lot of bullshit, but I think there's more reality today than I think we've ever experienced ever before.

01:52:20.000 But what there is is a bunch of people that are scared.

01:52:23.000 That's what it is.

01:52:24.000 They're scared of getting called out or they're scared of getting fired.

01:52:28.000 The fired one's a big one.

01:52:30.000 They'll take away your income.

01:52:32.000 Shit!

01:52:32.000 Now I gotta find another job after I talked about blackface.

01:52:35.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:52:36.000 God damn it.

01:52:37.000 Poor Megan Kelly.

01:52:37.000 Poor Megan.

01:52:38.000 Oh my God.

01:52:39.000 It's over.

01:52:39.000 And she was loving it.

01:52:41.000 Was it Fox she worked at before?

01:52:42.000 Yeah.

01:52:43.000 Where she could say all kinds of crazy shit.

01:52:44.000 Oh yeah, they don't care about blackface at Fox.

01:52:46.000 They're like, yeah, why can't you?

01:52:48.000 Yeah, give her a raise for that one.

01:52:49.000 Yeah, you should be able to have a bone in your nose.

01:52:56.000 And then she goes over to, was it NBC? Why would you go there?

01:53:00.000 You know that's not for you, dude.

01:53:02.000 Apparently they did not like her from the jump.

01:53:04.000 The inside word is that she was not a nice person.

01:53:07.000 They did not like her to be around.

01:53:09.000 They were looking for a reason to get rid of her.

01:53:10.000 Don't hate that.

01:53:11.000 That's the inside word.

01:53:12.000 But don't you hate that when you hear that someone's not nice and they're making millions of dollars?

01:53:16.000 That's true, but who's saying she's not nice?

01:53:19.000 How about someone who's annoying to her?

01:53:21.000 Maybe she's not nice because you're annoying.

01:53:22.000 She's out there trying to educate people about blackface.

01:53:25.000 You motherfuckers are trying to shut her game down.

01:53:27.000 Trying to educate people about blackface.

01:53:31.000 Listen, it's just color.

01:53:33.000 What's the big deal?

01:53:34.000 Now didn't she say that Santa Claus isn't black too?

01:53:37.000 Yes.

01:53:37.000 Yeah, that's awesome.

01:53:38.000 That was a part of the extended Megyn Kelly bit that I had to edit down.

01:53:43.000 I had a guy in the office who was working with her.

01:53:46.000 I was like, if you worked with Megyn Kelly, after about a year, you're not doing any work.

01:53:50.000 All day long, all you're thinking of is, someone gets to fuck her.

01:53:54.000 Why can't it be me?

01:53:55.000 Like, if you're in the cubicle right there, and you're running down, you time your trips to the coffee machine when you see her walking, not yet, not yet.

01:54:03.000 Go!

01:54:04.000 I'm like, Megyn, just want to let you know, Santa Claus is definitely white.

01:54:09.000 You'd say things to get her to like you more.

01:54:12.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:54:13.000 God, how horrible.

01:54:14.000 That's a lot of guys.

01:54:15.000 A lot of guys working in offices.

01:54:18.000 But you're not supposed to hit on your co-workers now.

01:54:20.000 Isn't that considered a microaggression or toxic masculinity?

01:54:24.000 Could be.

01:54:24.000 Some of those things.

01:54:25.000 But then what if you love her?

01:54:26.000 What if she loves you?

01:54:27.000 Oh, my God.

01:54:28.000 So scary.

01:54:29.000 What if it works out?

01:54:30.000 What if her husband is a jerk?

01:54:32.000 You'll take care of her kids.

01:54:34.000 Oh my god.

01:54:36.000 No way.

01:54:37.000 I can't even imagine.

01:54:38.000 I mean, I've been with Tommy for so long.

01:54:40.000 Like, being with...

01:54:41.000 Oh my god.

01:54:42.000 This is what I think.

01:54:43.000 I think when people work together, if you work together for eight hours a day, you're spending as much, if not more time with that person that you work with every day than you do with your spouse.

01:54:54.000 Absolutely.

01:54:54.000 And you're only home.

01:54:57.000 Like, look, if you're home in the morning, how much do you get to see your wife or your husband?

01:55:02.000 Fucking an hour, two hours in the morning at most.

01:55:06.000 You get up, you run into the shower, excuse me, brush your teeth, you want to eat breakfast, let's eat breakfast, what do you got going on today?

01:55:11.000 Then we're playing basketball with Mike.

01:55:14.000 And then for eight hours, eight hours of the day, you're with some other people.

01:55:19.000 You don't spend eight hours flat with anybody other than the people that you work with.

01:55:23.000 You get home, it's what, 7.30, 8 o'clock, you watch TV, you have dinner.

01:55:29.000 By the time it's 10, you're asleep.

01:55:32.000 That's three hours.

01:55:33.000 You got like three hours with that person.

01:55:35.000 They were eight hours with this guy who was trying to fuck him.

01:55:37.000 I know, and you're right, you're right, because I worked at a company.

01:55:42.000 I had a...

01:55:42.000 This guy was...

01:55:43.000 He ended up marrying his assistant.

01:55:45.000 Oh, shit.

01:55:46.000 But he did that thing where, like, this is my work wife.

01:55:48.000 That's what they start by doing.

01:55:49.000 They break you down slowly.

01:55:51.000 And they're like, this is my work wife.

01:55:52.000 This is my work husband.

01:55:53.000 Ha, ha, ha, ha.

01:55:53.000 It's a joke.

01:55:54.000 It's a joke.

01:55:54.000 And then before you know it...

01:56:03.000 When does a fart happen?

01:56:04.000 After?

01:56:04.000 That was cum.

01:56:05.000 Oh, sorry, yeah.

01:56:07.000 Because Tommy always like, I held in a fart that whole time we were doing it.

01:56:10.000 Are you proud of me?

01:56:11.000 That's his latest thing.

01:56:13.000 And I'm like, yeah, babe.

01:56:14.000 It's real romantic.

01:56:16.000 But they're married now, actually.

01:56:18.000 But that's how he courted her.

01:56:19.000 And she was way out of his league.

01:56:21.000 She was a hot 20-something gorgeous girl.

01:56:25.000 Married now.

01:56:25.000 They have, you know, how many kids?

01:56:26.000 I don't remember.

01:56:27.000 So what happened?

01:56:28.000 How'd he get her?

01:56:28.000 He broke her.

01:56:29.000 So she was dating some guy that wouldn't call her.

01:56:32.000 It was kind of like dipping out on her and stuff.

01:56:34.000 So he'd be like, I'm here for you.

01:56:36.000 Let's go out after work.

01:56:37.000 Let's go get some drinks, right?

01:56:38.000 I'm your friend.

01:56:39.000 I'm the guy that's going to show up for you every day.

01:56:42.000 Dump that guy.

01:56:43.000 I'm here.

01:56:44.000 So he was saying, even though he's just saying he's a work husband, he's saying I could be your real husband.

01:56:49.000 Yeah.

01:56:50.000 Yes.

01:56:51.000 Yeah.

01:56:51.000 And to her.

01:56:52.000 She gave up.

01:56:53.000 Yeah.

01:56:53.000 That's what she wanted, though.

01:56:55.000 She wanted to be wiped up.

01:56:57.000 A lot of girls want to be wifed up.

01:56:58.000 Yeah, that's great.

01:56:59.000 Yeah, why would you work?

01:57:01.000 It's the best.

01:57:02.000 Yeah.

01:57:02.000 I'm an idiot.

01:57:03.000 I'm like, I'm not going to go on the road.

01:57:04.000 Yeah, we want to make a living.

01:57:06.000 Ugh, career aspirations.

01:57:07.000 Ply your craft.

01:57:08.000 Fuck out of here.

01:57:12.000 Yeah, right?

01:57:13.000 Yeah, but it's really sad when guys wife up.

01:57:17.000 I know a guy that's wifed up.

01:57:18.000 You mean, oh, when the woman takes care of the man?

01:57:20.000 She got all the money.

01:57:22.000 She got all the money.

01:57:23.000 But you don't think that's awesome, like, to stay home?

01:57:25.000 He looks miserable.

01:57:27.000 Because he doesn't have any say.

01:57:29.000 He doesn't have any income.

01:57:30.000 She's got all the money.

01:57:32.000 So who has the money has the power in the relationship.

01:57:35.000 Yeah, and she didn't even earn the money.

01:57:37.000 The money came from the family.

01:57:39.000 Fantastic.

01:57:40.000 And they're involved too.

01:57:41.000 They're always around.

01:57:42.000 Oh no, that's not good.

01:57:43.000 He's a weak, weak, weak soul.

01:57:47.000 That's a dark place for a man to be.

01:57:50.000 No sovereignty.

01:57:51.000 No control of your existence.

01:57:55.000 No real financial decision-making ability because you don't bring in any money.

01:58:00.000 You're scaring me right now.

01:58:02.000 I'm feeling it.

01:58:02.000 There's guys, they settle for that.

01:58:05.000 Well, you know, this is a little egalitarian.

01:58:07.000 This is a good world.

01:58:08.000 Everything's right.

01:58:09.000 There's no reason everybody should work.

01:58:11.000 I mean, why should I work?

01:58:13.000 You know, Wilma makes all the money.

01:58:15.000 No, you think that relationship can't ever work?

01:58:17.000 That dynamic?

01:58:19.000 Does it make sense to you?

01:58:21.000 Why would it work?

01:58:22.000 It's like, yeah, I mean, maybe the alligator and the cat can be friends.

01:58:28.000 Of course that shit ain't gonna work.

01:58:30.000 It's just not gonna work.

01:58:31.000 It will work if it's not a real man.

01:58:35.000 And the woman likes that scenario.

01:58:38.000 And if the guy's just like this spineless little cheese head...

01:58:42.000 I think you're...

01:58:43.000 And it's totally on PC. Yeah.

01:58:45.000 And I think you're right.

01:58:46.000 Because I think he's got to be kind of a beta male.

01:58:49.000 He's the guy who likes his balls busted a little bit, maybe.

01:58:53.000 Yeah.

01:58:53.000 Maybe he likes his nuts squished.

01:58:55.000 Or he's just scared.

01:58:56.000 He's just scared.

01:58:57.000 Yeah.

01:58:58.000 You know?

01:59:00.000 Look, if you're in a relationship with someone and that someone is a woman and she makes far more money than you, and you just decide to let her pay all the bills, that is a squirrely proposition.

01:59:13.000 It may work.

01:59:14.000 It's entirely possible.

01:59:15.000 You might find the perfect woman and the perfect man where their personalities gel together, neither one of them gives a fuck about money, and yet the guy's still a man and the woman's still a woman.

01:59:25.000 It's just that she makes all the money and, you know, he kind of like does the dishes and takes it in the ass.

01:59:30.000 She pegs him.

01:59:32.000 She puts out a strap on.

01:59:34.000 She pisses in his face.

01:59:36.000 That's how he gets money for food.

01:59:38.000 Piss on her, beats her.

01:59:39.000 Try it out.

01:59:40.000 Try it out.

01:59:41.000 Try it out.

01:59:42.000 Equality.

01:59:42.000 She does whatever she wants.

01:59:43.000 She smacks him.

01:59:44.000 He can't leave.

01:59:45.000 It's like...

01:59:46.000 You think that's what's going on?

01:59:47.000 Yeah, I think so.

01:59:48.000 They have no power.

01:59:50.000 Well, let's see.

01:59:51.000 What about Oprah and Stedman?

01:59:53.000 But Stedman makes a living, too.

01:59:55.000 What does Stedman do?

01:59:56.000 Stedman is like one of those pirate beards that you glue on at a party and everybody knows it's not a real beard.

02:00:02.000 Is that even a good beard?

02:00:07.000 You know what never really occurred to me?

02:00:10.000 I don't know.

02:00:12.000 They've been together forever.

02:00:13.000 But could you picture Oprah eating pussy?

02:00:15.000 Yes, a thousand percent.

02:00:17.000 But I think Gail, for her, isn't so much a lover as a mom.

02:00:22.000 I don't even know who Gail is.

02:00:23.000 That's her best friend, Gail.

02:00:24.000 I'm not aware.

02:00:24.000 Where the fuck have you been?

02:00:25.000 I'm out of the loop.

02:00:26.000 Come on now.

02:00:27.000 I'm out of the loop.

02:00:28.000 Come on now, Gail's her BFF. That's the one they think that she's...

02:00:31.000 So they're just friends?

02:00:33.000 No.

02:00:34.000 I don't know.

02:00:35.000 I don't know.

02:00:35.000 I mean, I don't know.

02:00:37.000 It's possible that's not the case.

02:00:38.000 Yeah, who knows?

02:00:39.000 It's possible.

02:00:40.000 But they know, I don't want to assume, oh, she looks good there, Oprah's skinny.

02:00:43.000 That was Skinny Oprah.

02:00:44.000 Mm-hmm.

02:00:45.000 For all them Snickers.

02:00:46.000 Who knows?

02:00:46.000 That's one thing.

02:00:47.000 Stedman's just steady.

02:00:48.000 He doesn't go nowhere.

02:00:50.000 Doesn't he make a good living, though?

02:00:52.000 Doesn't he have a job?

02:00:53.000 That's the thing.

02:00:53.000 I think Stedman does have stuff going.

02:00:55.000 Yeah, I think he's like a...

02:00:57.000 I want to say he's a lawyer or something like that.

02:01:00.000 I googled them, it said American educator, so I don't know.

02:01:03.000 Well, here's the thing.

02:01:05.000 Wouldn't you say that when someone, regardless of male, female, has nothing else in life going?

02:01:12.000 You know what I'm saying?

02:01:12.000 When they have no drive, no focus, no...

02:01:16.000 No goal.

02:01:17.000 Yeah.

02:01:17.000 That in and of itself is a bad thing.

02:01:20.000 It's a bad thing.

02:01:20.000 Regardless of being the man or the one.

02:01:22.000 Of gender, yeah.

02:01:23.000 Yeah.

02:01:23.000 Yeah, people with no hobbies, like you don't enjoy doing anything, even if it's just like reading.

02:01:30.000 Oh, I like to read, yeah.

02:01:32.000 I do too.

02:01:32.000 But you don't like to do anything?

02:01:34.000 You don't like to do anything?

02:01:35.000 Yeah.

02:01:35.000 Like, you don't do anything.

02:01:36.000 What do you do?

02:01:36.000 You watch TV and eat?

02:01:39.000 That's a lot of people.

02:01:39.000 That's a lot of comedians, though.

02:01:41.000 Oh, yeah.

02:01:42.000 But at least they tell jokes.

02:01:43.000 That's true.

02:01:45.000 When they're not telling jokes, they watch TV and eat.

02:01:48.000 Yeah.

02:01:49.000 Yeah.

02:01:49.000 I used to do that a lot.

02:01:50.000 We're a fucking weird group of people, you know?

02:01:52.000 I got for that.

02:01:53.000 I mean, if you really stop and think about how odd our group is, I'll have a little of that.

02:01:58.000 Okay.

02:01:59.000 I don't want you to drink alone.

02:02:00.000 There you go.

02:02:01.000 Plus, I probably should have a little alcohol after all the alcohol I did yesterday.

02:02:05.000 You've written 11 self-help books.

02:02:07.000 Who?

02:02:07.000 Stedman?

02:02:08.000 About How to Marry Rich Hoes.

02:02:10.000 How to cope when your wife is way more successful.

02:02:13.000 How to get some rich pussy.

02:02:15.000 I know.

02:02:16.000 You know, as feminist as I am, because obviously I'm down for the cause.

02:02:21.000 What is the cause?

02:02:22.000 Well, equality.

02:02:24.000 Right.

02:02:27.000 To have choice, to do what the fuck you want to do.

02:02:29.000 You want to stay home and raise your kids?

02:02:30.000 Stay home and raise your kids.

02:02:30.000 You want to go have a job?

02:02:31.000 Go have a fucking job.

02:02:32.000 I agree with that as well.

02:02:33.000 Maybe I'm a feminist and I don't know it.

02:02:35.000 Yeah, I think you are actually.

02:02:37.000 How weird.

02:02:37.000 I think you are.

02:02:38.000 Where'd you get the ice?

02:02:39.000 This whole fucking time?

02:02:41.000 It's been right here.

02:02:41.000 God damn it.

02:02:42.000 Come on, it's a high class operation.

02:02:44.000 What the f- Do I put my fingers in there?

02:02:45.000 Yeah, get in there.

02:02:46.000 Okay.

02:02:46.000 I trust you.

02:02:47.000 I don't know.

02:02:52.000 Oh, gosh.

02:02:53.000 But here's the deal.

02:02:55.000 You know, my mother was a European lady.

02:02:58.000 And as a female comic, I'm an alpha in the streets.

02:03:02.000 But I'm kind of a beta in the sheets.

02:03:04.000 You know what I'm saying?

02:03:05.000 I like to take care of my husband.

02:03:07.000 I think that's why Tommy and I work out.

02:03:09.000 Because I like to, you know, I bake fucking Rice Krispie treats.

02:03:13.000 I have shit.

02:03:14.000 I have food in the house.

02:03:15.000 I'm kind of a traditional wife.

02:03:17.000 Well, you're powerful, but you're also still a woman.

02:03:20.000 And there's nothing wrong with like that if that's how you like to be.

02:03:24.000 The idea that there's something wrong with that because you're supposed to be even with him, so you're supposed to be treating each other not like your traditional male versus female role, even if that's what you like.

02:03:33.000 That becomes a problem because it's like a pressure problem that women will put on other women to behave in a different way because they don't want to reinforce traditional gender roles.

02:03:43.000 Oh, right.

02:03:43.000 Yeah, sure, sure.

02:03:44.000 Even if that role feels right to you.

02:03:46.000 You like it.

02:03:47.000 I like it.

02:03:48.000 I like taking care of my kids.

02:03:49.000 Yeah, but there's some dirty cunts out there.

02:03:51.000 They'll tell you that's bad.

02:03:57.000 The dirty cunts!

02:03:58.000 Those angry bitches.

02:03:59.000 Yes, that's true.

02:04:00.000 No, you're right.

02:04:01.000 I've had some people say stuff to me about it, and I'm like, well, it makes me happy.

02:04:05.000 And if that's all that matters, and it's my choice to do that stuff, I'm not saying I do it every night.

02:04:10.000 A hundred percent.

02:04:11.000 Yeah.

02:04:11.000 Whatever makes you happy, as long as you're not hurting anybody, that's all that matters.

02:04:15.000 And the idea that there's something wrong with you doing that, like, it's just fucking stupid.

02:04:19.000 Yeah.

02:04:19.000 It really is.

02:04:20.000 It's just stupid.

02:04:21.000 It is silly.

02:04:23.000 What are you talking about?

02:04:24.000 There's a lot of that, though.

02:04:26.000 Of what?

02:04:26.000 A lot of that stupidness out there.

02:04:29.000 People telling people the way they should and shouldn't live.

02:04:32.000 You don't have much time, man.

02:04:36.000 No.

02:04:37.000 You and I are halfway done, basically.

02:04:38.000 I'm almost dead.

02:04:39.000 When you think about it, when you turn 40, you're like, this is it, dude.

02:04:43.000 Yeah, how much time you got left?

02:04:45.000 Hopefully another 30 years of good living, I'm saying, before you really start to break down.

02:04:50.000 So shit starts falling apart.

02:04:51.000 The wheels start coming off.

02:04:53.000 Yes.

02:04:54.000 And people are worried about dumb shit, like whether or not this woman works or she should have a career.

02:04:59.000 She should do this.

02:05:00.000 She should do that.

02:05:00.000 She's happy.

02:05:01.000 She likes eating cheese and getting her toes done.

02:05:04.000 Leave her alone.

02:05:05.000 Yeah.

02:05:06.000 Yeah, that's funny.

02:05:07.000 I think that is a middle-aged revelation, though.

02:05:09.000 You go like, oh, there's only so much time left.

02:05:11.000 I don't give a fuck about all this.

02:05:12.000 Like, I'm going to do me, bro.

02:05:14.000 The guy that I know that's stuck, the wife makes all the money, you can see it in his face though.

02:05:19.000 I can just see the quiet anxiety.

02:05:25.000 It's like a lion at the zoo where they're kind of broken.

02:05:28.000 Yeah.

02:05:29.000 And they're like, you know that they're a hunter inside, but you take that instinct away and they get the meat thrown at them and they're just like sadly kind of...

02:05:36.000 Just eat that meat off the tray.

02:05:38.000 It's like a vegan cat, right?

02:05:43.000 Did you bother looking it up?

02:05:45.000 I did.

02:05:46.000 I did.

02:05:47.000 And they're all skinny and shit, like you said.

02:05:48.000 They're all laying down.

02:05:49.000 A lot of them are fat as fuck, because all they eat is carbs.

02:05:52.000 I know, that's the problem.

02:05:53.000 They're all laying down, fucking bloated, kidney failure.

02:05:57.000 I know.

02:05:58.000 Eyes are gray and dull.

02:06:04.000 That can be the problem with the vegan diet, right?

02:06:06.000 You're eating macaroni and cheese and stuff.

02:06:09.000 Oh yeah, if you go wrong.

02:06:10.000 That's why the healthy people call it plant-based.

02:06:14.000 Because they want it to be plant-based, not just pasta all the time.

02:06:18.000 Yes.

02:06:18.000 But you have to eat a lot, from what I understand of that plant-based protein.

02:06:22.000 A lot of it.

02:06:23.000 Yeah, well, in terms of protein, there's some foods that are pretty rich in protein.

02:06:28.000 The real problem is bioavailability.

02:06:29.000 It's not just that there's protein in it.

02:06:31.000 It's like how much of that protein is absorbed in comparison to a similar amount of beef protein.

02:06:36.000 It's not as easily absorbed.

02:06:38.000 You can definitely do it, though.

02:06:40.000 You can definitely live a vegan life and be healthy.

02:06:42.000 You just have to really watch your P's and Q's.

02:06:46.000 You've got to really mind what you eat.

02:06:48.000 You have to take B12 supplements.

02:06:50.000 You have to make sure that you're getting the correct amount of essential fatty acids.

02:06:55.000 But you can do it.

02:06:56.000 It can be done.

02:06:57.000 But it's not as effective.

02:06:58.000 It's not as easy, I should say, as just eating meat and vegetables.

02:07:02.000 You eat meat and vegetables.

02:07:03.000 You've got your bases covered.

02:07:05.000 But if you just decide you're just going to be vegan, boy, you've got to make sure you have quinoa or hemp protein.

02:07:12.000 And there's certain plants that have some amount of protein, but they don't have a complete amino acid profile.

02:07:19.000 It's tricky.

02:07:20.000 But the people who live it, they live that vegan life, boy, they want you to think that's the only way to go.

02:07:26.000 If you don't live that way, you're going to be sick and you're going to be unhealthy.

02:07:30.000 And my favorite thing is when one of those motherfuckers jumps ship.

02:07:34.000 They've been singing the praises of vegan this and vegan that.

02:07:37.000 I had a friend who lasted six months.

02:07:40.000 He lasted six months.

02:07:41.000 And during that time, he was telling me, well, the ethical thing to do, you know, I felt like I was a hypocrite if I didn't eat vegan.

02:07:47.000 And then he ate vegan.

02:07:48.000 He started getting sick as fuck.

02:07:49.000 He got his blood lipids back.

02:07:51.000 His body's falling apart.

02:07:52.000 I was like, bitch, you need some meat.

02:07:54.000 You need some meat.

02:07:57.000 Yeah.

02:07:58.000 Now he eats meat like crazy.

02:07:59.000 It's hilarious.

02:08:01.000 Yeah.

02:08:01.000 Six months later.

02:08:04.000 Yeah, I mean...

02:08:04.000 Ran into him at a steakhouse.

02:08:07.000 Happy as shit, right?

02:08:09.000 Like, I'm on it, dude.

02:08:10.000 Just eat meat.

02:08:11.000 Like, fuck.

02:08:12.000 Listen, that diet is just a lot of work.

02:08:16.000 You can do it.

02:08:17.000 You can do it if you decide.

02:08:19.000 It can be done.

02:08:21.000 But I have a friend who is actually a doctor who was in a motorcycle accident.

02:08:25.000 Got really badly banged up.

02:08:27.000 And he was vegan at the time.

02:08:28.000 And his wife made him eat a hamburger.

02:08:32.000 She's like, just do me a favor.

02:08:33.000 I just want you to eat some meat.

02:08:35.000 Like, he wasn't recovering.

02:08:36.000 He was really struggling to get over these injuries.

02:08:39.000 He ate a cheeseburger and he said, literally, I was so overwhelmed with energy.

02:08:44.000 I wanted to jump out of bed.

02:08:46.000 He goes, I never was vegan again.

02:08:48.000 He goes, after that one juicy cheeseburger, he goes, I ate it.

02:08:52.000 I felt so good.

02:08:53.000 And the protein, my body was crying out for it.

02:08:56.000 And like a McDonald's.

02:08:57.000 Is that what you said?

02:08:58.000 I think it was a good one.

02:08:58.000 I think it was a real cheeseburger.

02:09:00.000 Like a real...

02:09:00.000 Okay, so McDonald's is like prison meat.

02:09:02.000 A restaurant-style cheeseburger.

02:09:04.000 Juicy, fat boy.

02:09:05.000 Oh, it's so good, isn't it?

02:09:07.000 I know, and I'm pregnant.

02:09:09.000 But what I found interesting when those guys were on talking about it is...

02:09:13.000 Because I like to eat salami.

02:09:14.000 I do like the processed shit.

02:09:16.000 And he was like, the processed meats are the no-no.

02:09:18.000 That's what's going to give you butt cancer.

02:09:20.000 Unless you get a ton of vegetables to offset the damage, right, in your colon?

02:09:24.000 Nitrites, yeah.

02:09:25.000 Yeah, so I try to get the nitrite-free whole food shit.

02:09:28.000 Yeah.

02:09:29.000 Is that cool?

02:09:30.000 Yeah, you can.

02:09:30.000 I mean, there's organically created charcuterie.

02:09:37.000 How do you say it?

02:09:38.000 Charcuterie?

02:09:38.000 I just learned this word, charcuterie.

02:09:40.000 Charcuterie.

02:09:41.000 Charcuterie.

02:09:42.000 It's basically salami, mortadella, that kind of stuff.

02:09:45.000 But there's companies that make it organically.

02:09:47.000 It just doesn't last very long.

02:09:49.000 It doesn't have any preservatives in it.

02:09:51.000 That's really what you want.

02:09:52.000 But that's what gives you the butt cancer.

02:09:54.000 I'm sure.

02:09:55.000 The real problem with all these assumptions is that these are correlations mostly based on people filling out questionnaires.

02:10:02.000 That was fascinating, yes.

02:10:05.000 And how much do you recall of what you ate yesterday accurately?

02:10:08.000 That's what's really interesting about that.

02:10:09.000 Not that good.

02:10:10.000 That's part of the problem.

02:10:11.000 And people tend to make themselves look like they eat better than they actually do.

02:10:15.000 They kind of lie.

02:10:16.000 Yeah.

02:10:17.000 Because they feel bad about being a fucking glutton and a slob.

02:10:22.000 Yeah.

02:10:22.000 I'll ask my trainer that because the lady I do Pilates with, she put me on this primal diet and that's why I lost baby weight the first time.

02:10:30.000 And I was like, how many of your clients just stay fucking fat for years and then you ask them what they eat and they just lie to you?

02:10:37.000 She's like, oh, that's a lot of people.

02:10:38.000 They don't really have an awareness.

02:10:41.000 You know what I mean?

02:10:41.000 You think you're doing one thing, but the reality is completely different.

02:10:45.000 It's hard for women when they get real big.

02:10:47.000 Your body wants to keep on that fucking weight.

02:10:51.000 Your body does not want to let that go.

02:10:52.000 It's easier for a man to lose weight, definitely.

02:10:55.000 I really believe that.

02:10:56.000 Well, you're more muscular.

02:10:58.000 Your body has more caloric requirements because there's all this muscle burn-up fat.

02:11:02.000 And then if you do lift weights, which everybody who wants to get lean, I always recommend, you've got to lift some weights.

02:11:08.000 Because if you lift weights, your body is burning more fat because it's adding more muscle.

02:11:12.000 So it's burning more calories.

02:11:14.000 If you eat the same amount of food but you just lift weights, you're going to lose body fat.

02:11:18.000 And the reason is because your body is going to build up muscle tissue, and that muscle tissue is going to have a caloric requirement.

02:11:24.000 So the calories, if you eat the exact same amount of calories, but now you're eating all this food but lifting weights, your body is going to get leaner.

02:11:34.000 As long as you're consistent, you stay consistent and continue lifting weights.

02:11:38.000 You can eat like a fat ass and still...

02:11:40.000 I didn't say that, but I'm saying if you are on a diet, like a sustainable diet, like you eat a normal amount of food, but you lift weights.

02:11:48.000 Lifting weights is a great way to lose weight.

02:11:50.000 It's a great way to lose body fat.

02:11:52.000 You won't necessarily lose weight because you'll put on muscle mass, but your body will burn off more fat, particularly if you're a guy, because it's easier to put on weight, muscle weight, you know?

02:12:02.000 Fucking A, man.

02:12:04.000 This thing that we did this month, one thing that it did teach me is, boy, you can do a lot more than you think you can.

02:12:11.000 I bet.

02:12:12.000 A lot more.

02:12:13.000 I bet.

02:12:14.000 Tom loves it, the challenge aspect of it.

02:12:16.000 He loves to push himself.

02:12:20.000 Is it the sadist where you hurt yourself or the masochist?

02:12:23.000 Yes.

02:12:23.000 Masochist, you hurt yourself.

02:12:24.000 Sadist, you hurt other people.

02:12:25.000 Oh, so the masochist in him.

02:12:27.000 I don't know.

02:12:28.000 He loves to challenge himself and do these things with you guys.

02:12:31.000 I think it gives him a big charge.

02:12:33.000 I was a sadist when I was trying to hurt Bert.

02:12:36.000 I was trying to get Bert to try to keep up with me so he would die.

02:12:41.000 Oh, Bert.

02:12:42.000 Everybody wanted to make sure that Bert came in last.

02:12:44.000 That's what everybody was super concerned with.

02:12:47.000 Super concerned with Bert going, well, I didn't come in last.

02:12:51.000 Mission accomplished.

02:12:52.000 He came in last.

02:12:54.000 When he was starting to pull, where am I going to put the belt?

02:12:57.000 Where am I going to put the belt on my shelf?

02:12:58.000 I was like, you're never getting that belt.

02:13:01.000 Oh, Bert.

02:13:02.000 I'm going to take you on a road through hell.

02:13:05.000 You're not getting that belt, motherfucker.

02:13:08.000 So how did he go wrong?

02:13:09.000 He just wasn't consistent?

02:13:12.000 Well, there's a lot of things for sure.

02:13:15.000 He is overweight, which makes it far more difficult to keep up that amount of cardio because your joints are going to hurt and you're running.

02:13:23.000 Yeah.

02:13:23.000 I mean, he's real heavy.

02:13:26.000 I mean, I think he lost some weight during the program, but he was 246. Mm-hmm.

02:13:32.000 Something like that when he did it.

02:13:34.000 And he got down to 216 for the weight loss challenge.

02:13:37.000 Right.

02:13:38.000 I remember that was really fun.

02:13:39.000 219?

02:13:40.000 219. Tommy did 216. So that's a significant amount of weight.

02:13:44.000 We're talking about a good solid 20 plus pounds, 30 pounds of weight that he put on.

02:13:52.000 That's a lot of weight.

02:13:53.000 That's fat.

02:13:55.000 It's just 30 stakes of fat.

02:13:58.000 I know.

02:13:58.000 When you look at what a pound of fat is, because I've had to lose weight from the second pregnancy, I've gotten more efficient at it because I learned how to do it.

02:14:05.000 But I'd say I have another 20 to go to where I'm comfortable.

02:14:08.000 But goddamn, man, that's a lot.

02:14:11.000 One pound?

02:14:12.000 Yeah.

02:14:12.000 You left up one of your kettlebells.

02:14:13.000 What is it?

02:14:14.000 10 pounds?

02:14:15.000 Those are 35 pounds.

02:14:17.000 The little chimp ones, those are 35 pounds.

02:14:19.000 Yeah, those are cute.

02:14:20.000 Yeah.

02:14:20.000 That's what Bert had to lose.

02:14:22.000 He's carrying that 35-pound kettlebell everywhere he goes.

02:14:26.000 That's a tremendous strain on your knees.

02:14:29.000 Yeah.

02:14:30.000 But it's also, his body's just not used to exercise.

02:14:33.000 And he has to take high blood pressure medication, which I guarantee makes you weak.

02:14:36.000 That stuff fucks with you.

02:14:38.000 I mean, he's taking something that's lowering his blood pressure.

02:14:42.000 What else is it doing?

02:14:44.000 It's not just lowering your blood, but was it using angels to do that?

02:14:47.000 Was it using pixie dust to make sure you're super healthy and you have a stroke?

02:14:52.000 Who knows what the fuck that stuff's doing to you?

02:14:55.000 And that's from cholesterol and his blood causing that?

02:14:58.000 From being fat!

02:14:59.000 And lazy.

02:15:02.000 And drinking.

02:15:04.000 From drinking.

02:15:05.000 Look, I love Bert to death, but he needs to hear all this.

02:15:09.000 You gotta stop drinking every night.

02:15:10.000 You can't drink every night.

02:15:12.000 You can't do that.

02:15:13.000 That's a lot.

02:15:14.000 That's too much.

02:15:15.000 You look at Tom.

02:15:17.000 Tom lost all that weight in the weight loss challenge and kept it off.

02:15:21.000 Yeah.

02:15:22.000 Oh, yeah.

02:15:22.000 Kept it off.

02:15:23.000 Oh, yes.

02:15:24.000 Bert didn't keep it off.

02:15:25.000 Well, what's the difference?

02:15:27.000 Well, Bert ran a marathon.

02:15:28.000 Well, Bert does those Tough Mudder races.

02:15:31.000 Bert runs all the time.

02:15:32.000 How come Bert isn't skinny?

02:15:34.000 Because Bert's drinking a fucking case of vodka every night.

02:15:40.000 Well, calorically, well, how much is a glass?

02:15:42.000 I mean, okay, a glass of wine.

02:15:44.000 What is that?

02:15:45.000 300 calories, let's say, a glass of wine.

02:15:47.000 Is it?

02:15:47.000 Yeah, I'm on there.

02:15:48.000 So you drink...

02:15:49.000 Let's say you drink...

02:15:50.000 30 of those.

02:15:52.000 Or two glasses a night, or a bottle of wine a night?

02:15:54.000 Jesus Christ.

02:15:55.000 Bert drank a whole box of wine.

02:15:57.000 What do you mean, when?

02:15:58.000 In one of those wine boxes?

02:15:59.000 Yes, yes.

02:16:00.000 Drank a whole box of wine himself at night.

02:16:03.000 Oh, no.

02:16:04.000 He was talking to us about it.

02:16:05.000 Remember we talked about it?

02:16:06.000 I go, you drank a box?

02:16:07.000 That's a lot.

02:16:08.000 How many glasses are in that?

02:16:10.000 Yeah.

02:16:11.000 There's got to be like 20 glasses in that.

02:16:12.000 Yeah, so what is that?

02:16:13.000 Like a milkshake and a cheeseburger?

02:16:16.000 Double cheeseburger?

02:16:17.000 Five liters.

02:16:18.000 Five liters.

02:16:19.000 He drank five liters of wine.

02:16:20.000 He could have a small one, I guess, but...

02:16:22.000 Fuck, he did.

02:16:22.000 Why would he have a small one?

02:16:23.000 We could have a big one.

02:16:25.000 Five...

02:16:27.000 Oh, and it's like shit.

02:16:29.000 Shit wine.

02:16:30.000 Oh, dude.

02:16:30.000 Sugary.

02:16:31.000 Yeah.

02:16:32.000 Boxed wine.

02:16:36.000 That's gnarly.

02:16:37.000 It's not even the good shit, dude.

02:16:39.000 Yeah.

02:16:39.000 Well, I'm hoping that through this, everybody kind of keeps up a certain amount of fitness, because it seems like we kind of...

02:16:48.000 Boxed wine, so much class, so few calories.

02:16:51.000 I doubt that.

02:16:52.000 Oh, jeez.

02:16:52.000 Why does this one have a few calories?

02:16:54.000 Is it a spurt?

02:16:55.000 They're talking about that specific type of wine, Franzia.

02:16:58.000 Is that a low-calorie wine?

02:17:00.000 Well, there's that Skinny brand.

02:17:03.000 Skinny wine?

02:17:04.000 Yeah, that one of the housewives.

02:17:05.000 Worst wine?

02:17:07.000 Um...

02:17:09.000 10 grams.

02:17:09.000 White wine, rind has 110 calories, 5 grams of sugar.

02:17:14.000 Shiraz, red, 110 calories, 10 grams of sugar, just for a 5-ounce serving.

02:17:19.000 So that's a small glass of wine, a regular-sized glass of wine, right?

02:17:23.000 That's not that bad, 110 calories.

02:17:25.000 So if you can keep yourself to one glass of wine, that's not bad.

02:17:28.000 No biggie.

02:17:29.000 That's not a biggie.

02:17:29.000 No.

02:17:30.000 Yeah.

02:17:30.000 But if you're doing the whole bottle.

02:17:32.000 Yeah, that's not good.

02:17:32.000 If you're drinking a case of it, if they're backing up one of those oil trucks to your house...

02:17:37.000 You're just sucking on that dick of death.

02:17:40.000 All that wine dick juice is just coming down your fat face.

02:17:45.000 Well, especially as a woman.

02:17:47.000 If I do Pilates, that's like 300 calories.

02:17:50.000 That's all?

02:17:51.000 Yeah.

02:17:51.000 For an hour.

02:17:53.000 Jesus.

02:17:54.000 I know.

02:17:54.000 And then you can drink that shit up and, you know what I mean?

02:17:57.000 One of the workouts that we did, you know, because I decided about, I don't know, I guess like close to two weeks out that I was going to start really pressuring these guys and just doing workouts to like...

02:18:10.000 Five hour workout.

02:18:12.000 Like doing shit that's just insane.

02:18:13.000 I was like, let's see where we're going.

02:18:15.000 Let's see how far we go.

02:18:16.000 One workout I did, I burned 4,700 calories.

02:18:20.000 That's bananas.

02:18:21.000 It was crazy.

02:18:22.000 I was eating boxes of graham crackers or animal crackers.

02:18:26.000 I ate a whole box of animal crackers.

02:18:28.000 I ate apples.

02:18:30.000 I drank a cream soda.

02:18:32.000 Sugar, sugar.

02:18:33.000 I just wanted sugar while I was doing it.

02:18:34.000 I was like, I'm so taxed out.

02:18:36.000 Yeah.

02:18:37.000 But I'm going to keep going.

02:18:38.000 I'm like, I need some sugar.

02:18:39.000 Damn.

02:18:39.000 So I just ate these animal crackers and drank soda.

02:18:42.000 Yeah.

02:18:43.000 Got right back on.

02:18:44.000 Yeah, dude.

02:18:47.000 The puppet master.

02:18:49.000 I just kept thinking about Bert getting tired.

02:18:52.000 How's he going to surf, man?

02:18:54.000 So wait, where are you guys going to do this?

02:18:59.000 I guess we would have to do it in, like, Malibu or, like, Santa Monica or wherever you could surf, you know?

02:19:06.000 And we would have to figure out a way that the app registers how much time you're standing on the board.

02:19:11.000 So, like, it would have to be how much time you're actually surfing.

02:19:17.000 Not just, you know, well, I found a trick.

02:19:19.000 I'll just get on my belly and I'll paddle around.

02:19:21.000 No, no, no.

02:19:22.000 It has to be standing.

02:19:24.000 Standing on the surfboard.

02:19:25.000 We have to figure out a way.

02:19:26.000 Did you say there was some sort of an app or something?

02:19:28.000 Yeah, there has to be.

02:19:29.000 I was trying to figure out what it's tracking.

02:19:31.000 It's tracking the board's movement, I think.

02:19:33.000 So if you're doing side-to-side stuff, it knows that you're probably up and...

02:19:39.000 Does it know if you're lying on your stomach just paddling?

02:19:42.000 Like a slob?

02:19:43.000 I don't think it would tell you that.

02:19:45.000 Can I tell you how hard that shit is, though?

02:19:47.000 It's hard.

02:19:47.000 Tell you what the hardest, at least from when I learned how to surf a decade ago, the hardest part is paddling out on that fucking board.

02:19:54.000 I mean, you're going against the current, right?

02:19:56.000 Against the waves.

02:19:58.000 Bang, bang, bang.

02:19:59.000 Turn that board around.

02:20:00.000 You finally see the wave coming, and then you gotta paddle, paddle, paddle, and then a pop-up.

02:20:04.000 So, right, you're on your belly and you got to pop up from your belly to standing.

02:20:08.000 Right.

02:20:08.000 Like this, dude, like you got to go fast.

02:20:10.000 I don't know, for me that was, and the board's heavy, at least if you're learning on a banana board, like one of those big ones, you're probably not going to start on like the one that fucking what's his name was in there.

02:20:20.000 Shane Dorian.

02:20:21.000 Yeah, dude, you're not, yeah, Kelly Slater, you're not doing those boards.

02:20:24.000 Right, you can't.

02:20:25.000 No, you're gonna learn on a big clunky banana board.

02:20:27.000 Yeah.

02:20:28.000 It's probably easier.

02:20:29.000 Heavy as fuck.

02:20:30.000 And then if that thing hits you on the head...

02:20:32.000 You're dead.

02:20:33.000 Yeah.

02:20:34.000 See, I don't want to kill anybody.

02:20:35.000 That's the thing.

02:20:35.000 I was legit worried this year, like when my...

02:20:39.000 At the end of the thing...

02:20:41.000 When I was doing like several 500-point days.

02:20:48.000 I did like three or four in a row, 500-point days, which is like three and a half hours of exercise.

02:20:53.000 It was a lot of work.

02:20:54.000 So much.

02:20:55.000 It was crazy.

02:20:55.000 But I was like, there comes a point where your body starts failing.

02:20:59.000 I don't want anybody to die, like legit die.

02:21:02.000 This is a real issue.

02:21:04.000 You can have organ failure if you just decide to push too hard.

02:21:08.000 We were getting really psycho about it.

02:21:13.000 You guys are so stupid.

02:21:14.000 If I would see somebody posting big numbers, we'd get real anxiety.

02:21:19.000 Even when you're ahead.

02:21:21.000 We'd see Tom ran 13 miles when he was on the antibiotics and everybody freaked out.

02:21:25.000 And R was like, what the fuck, Tom?

02:21:27.000 Like angry at him.

02:21:29.000 Because he posted like 600 points in one workout.

02:21:32.000 What the fuck?

02:21:33.000 Well, I was concerned with Bert at the 11th hour pulling some crazy shit.

02:21:39.000 October 31st was Halloween, so Tom was like, oh, he's with his kids.

02:21:43.000 He's trick-or-treating.

02:21:44.000 He's not going to go do some crazy...

02:21:46.000 What could he do, though?

02:21:47.000 He was so far behind.

02:21:48.000 How far behind was he the last day?

02:21:51.000 I don't know the numbers.

02:21:53.000 He was pretty far behind Tom.

02:21:55.000 I think 700 points behind Tom.

02:21:57.000 Oh.

02:21:58.000 He was like...

02:22:00.000 More than a thousand behind Ari.

02:22:03.000 Oh.

02:22:03.000 Way more than a thousand.

02:22:05.000 Which you can...

02:22:06.000 I got in a day once.

02:22:07.000 You can get a thousand in a day.

02:22:08.000 But you have to almost kill yourself.

02:22:11.000 You gotta knock on heaven's door.

02:22:14.000 It's so horrible, you guys.

02:22:15.000 It's the worst.

02:22:16.000 And watching my spouse go through it, I'm like, oh, stop.

02:22:20.000 Well, here's the thing.

02:22:21.000 When we started doing it, no one thought we were going to do this.

02:22:23.000 No one thought we were going to try to kill each other like this.

02:22:26.000 We were just joking around about it, and I thought, like, my first couple workouts, like an hour, hour and a half, 200 points.

02:22:35.000 But then Ari figured out...

02:22:38.000 That you could watch a movie and be on the elliptical machine.

02:22:41.000 And he got 479 points one day and wrecked his body.

02:22:45.000 He could barely walk the next day.

02:22:46.000 But the fact that he did that, and I went, oh.

02:22:49.000 And then I realized, like, we talked about this, you get the same amount of points for 80% of your max heart rate as you do for 90. So I kept trying to go as hard as I can, thinking that you would get more points.

02:23:00.000 But you don't get more points for that.

02:23:01.000 There's no payoff for that.

02:23:03.000 Yeah.

02:23:03.000 So you slow and steady kind of wins the race, right?

02:23:06.000 Yeah.

02:23:07.000 That's not how I work out.

02:23:08.000 So I was like, shit, what am I going to do?

02:23:11.000 So time on the board.

02:23:13.000 Okay.

02:23:13.000 Like when you're actually surfing.

02:23:15.000 Time standing on the board over a month.

02:23:18.000 It's fucking hard, dude.

02:23:19.000 Fucking hard.

02:23:20.000 It's so hard.

02:23:21.000 That should be hard.

02:23:22.000 And none of us know how to surf at all.

02:23:25.000 Who's going to teach you?

02:23:26.000 Are you going to do a class?

02:23:28.000 Like a Corky Carroll thing?

02:23:29.000 Yeah, I guess so.

02:23:30.000 Yeah, we'll go.

02:23:30.000 And Bert was like, well, I'll get Kelly Slater to do it.

02:23:33.000 Hey, Kelly's busy.

02:23:35.000 And you don't need a world champion teaching you, you fuck.

02:23:38.000 You need a regular surf instructor.

02:23:40.000 What are you, like some prodigy that needs to be coached by the best?

02:23:44.000 Get the fuck out of here.

02:23:46.000 I know, like, Kelly Slater is just dying to tutor.

02:23:48.000 And like, Kelly's my friend, you piece of shit.

02:23:50.000 Right.

02:23:51.000 First of all.

02:23:52.000 Like, this really talented dude.

02:23:54.000 I'm closer to Shane.

02:23:55.000 I'm pretty close to Shane.

02:23:57.000 I mean, Shane and I have been on a bunch of hunting trips together now.

02:24:00.000 But I wouldn't go to him.

02:24:01.000 He's busy.

02:24:02.000 He's super busy.

02:24:03.000 It's like if you said, I want to learn how to kickbox.

02:24:05.000 I'm like, I don't have the time to teach you how to fight.

02:24:08.000 Like, I'm not doing that, man.

02:24:10.000 Okay.

02:24:10.000 Go find a coach.

02:24:12.000 That's what they do for a living.

02:24:13.000 Yeah, there's a bunch of schools you can go to.

02:24:16.000 Yeah.

02:24:17.000 I actually wanted to, like, rent a house by the beach next summer and just devote it to learning how to surf again.

02:24:22.000 Really?

02:24:22.000 Like, really get good at it.

02:24:23.000 I love the ocean.

02:24:24.000 I love it.

02:24:25.000 Damn, rent a house by the beach?

02:24:26.000 Like, you're super dedicated.

02:24:28.000 I want, just to wake up and go do it, and then...

02:24:30.000 Wow.

02:24:31.000 That'd be rad, right?

02:24:32.000 That's a bucket list thing before I get too fucking old to do.

02:24:35.000 Well, it is something that you can do no matter how old you are.

02:24:39.000 Yeah.

02:24:40.000 I mean, you can just ride waves.

02:24:41.000 One of the things that Shane was talking about that was really interesting, he's like, everybody has the same amount of fun.

02:24:46.000 If you suck at surfing, or if you're really good at it, it's still fun.

02:24:51.000 Yeah.

02:24:52.000 I was like, oh.

02:24:53.000 Yeah.

02:24:54.000 You know what else you told me about?

02:24:55.000 Kooks.

02:24:56.000 Do you know what a kook is?

02:24:57.000 Kookslams?

02:24:58.000 On Instagram?

02:24:59.000 No.

02:24:59.000 Are they just like douchebags that wipe out?

02:25:02.000 Kooks are people who don't know what they're doing.

02:25:03.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

02:25:04.000 Yeah.

02:25:04.000 Yeah, there's an Instagram account called Kookslams.

02:25:07.000 Oh, it's all kooks.

02:25:07.000 And it's all surfing like- With people who suck at it?

02:25:09.000 Yeah, it's great.

02:25:10.000 Guess what?

02:25:11.000 Bert, Tom, and Ari are all going to be on Kookslams with me next year.

02:25:16.000 We're all going to be on that because we're going to fuck up.

02:25:19.000 But the other thing is finding a spot where you're allowed to surf where you can get in there where you don't know what you're doing and you don't get in anybody's way.

02:25:26.000 I don't want to fuck up anybody's experience.

02:25:29.000 Right, because according to all the surf movies and stuff, they got turfs, bro.

02:25:33.000 You can't just roll up on the dudes that are in Malibu.

02:25:36.000 I don't want anybody getting mad at me.

02:25:37.000 You gotta find...

02:25:39.000 Because, you know, like, I see them, I go to watch them, you know, where that Mastro's is in Malibu?

02:25:43.000 Mm-hmm.

02:25:44.000 There's a little thing where all the surfers go, and that's, like, one area.

02:25:49.000 Yeah.

02:25:49.000 And then there's Redondo, you go down there, and there's that area.

02:25:52.000 Yeah, we'd have to learn surf etiquette for sure.

02:25:55.000 Yeah.

02:25:55.000 We'd have to learn that.

02:25:57.000 But if they listen to the JRE, maybe they'll be cool.

02:26:00.000 Maybe.

02:26:01.000 Yeah, but maybe they'll be like, hey, dickhead, you're gonna get more people out here surfing.

02:26:04.000 Yeah.

02:26:04.000 Fuck this up for us.

02:26:06.000 You know, people have said that to me about bow hunting.

02:26:08.000 Really?

02:26:09.000 Yeah.

02:26:09.000 They're like, you're getting more people out into the woods.

02:26:11.000 You know, that's annoying.

02:26:12.000 They were joking around about it.

02:26:14.000 I go, are you serious?

02:26:15.000 He goes, well, it's good because then we'll have more people hunting, but it's bad because I honestly see more people hunting.

02:26:21.000 And it was, I really think it's because of you and because of Cameron Haynes and Steve Rinella and John Dudley and all these hunters that are interesting, cool people, that more people are trying it.

02:26:31.000 I believe that.

02:26:31.000 Yeah.

02:26:32.000 I believe it.

02:26:33.000 I think so too.

02:26:34.000 What are you going to do?

02:26:35.000 It's like when Taco Bell used a chihuahua for his ass.

02:26:39.000 I swear to God.

02:26:40.000 All these fucking douchebags were buying chihuahuas for their kids for Christmas, and then they'd throw them into the pounds or whatever, because they couldn't take care of them.

02:26:48.000 Do you know that happens every time there's a talking dog movie?

02:26:51.000 Yes, I do know that.

02:26:52.000 And then that popular breed, everyone gets it, and they don't like the breed, and then they end up- And the dumb parents are like, okay, okay, just stop talking, okay.

02:27:02.000 Mommy, I'm on a chihuahua.

02:27:04.000 I'm on a chihuahua.

02:27:05.000 The chihuahua talks about chalupas.

02:27:08.000 Meanwhile, a chihuahua, for the most part, from the ones I've known, the temperament, they're very nervous, high-strong, high-energy dogs, very skittish.

02:27:19.000 Not the ideal fucking family pet.

02:27:22.000 Well, if your bones were made out of toothpicks and you're around a bunch of fucking clumsy kids, like kids are always stepping on chihuahuas and breaking their legs.

02:27:30.000 That happens all the time.

02:27:31.000 See a chihuahua with a cast.

02:27:33.000 Little fat kid eating his candy, not looking.

02:27:37.000 Stomps on his poor dog's leg and snaps it like a twig.

02:27:41.000 Fuck!

02:27:42.000 Imagine ogres around you, giant, huge, enormous ogres eating candy.

02:27:48.000 Terrifying.

02:27:49.000 Or Dalmatians.

02:27:51.000 Like every time 101 Dalmatians comes out, every fuckface buys their kid a Dalmatian for Christmas.

02:27:58.000 And then aren't they stupid?

02:28:00.000 Don't their brains grow bigger than the skull or something?

02:28:06.000 Oh yeah, they ooze out of the head, right?

02:28:09.000 You gotta scoop it.

02:28:11.000 It comes out the ear.

02:28:13.000 You gotta scoop the brains.

02:28:15.000 Otherwise, they got too much brains.

02:28:17.000 They had headaches.

02:28:18.000 You gotta kill them.

02:28:20.000 You gotta scoop the brains out.

02:28:21.000 Weren't they like fire people dogs?

02:28:23.000 Yeah.

02:28:24.000 Yeah.

02:28:24.000 Why is it Dalmantian?

02:28:26.000 Why were they connected to fire trucks and shit?

02:28:29.000 No fucking idea.

02:28:30.000 Yeah.

02:28:31.000 You'd think you'd have, like, a smart dog, like a German Shepherd.

02:28:35.000 I don't know that they're dumb.

02:28:36.000 I don't know that Dalmatians are dumb.

02:28:38.000 Are they dumb?

02:28:39.000 I've heard they're dumb as shit.

02:28:40.000 Oh, really?

02:28:40.000 Well, I always, yeah.

02:28:41.000 German Shepherds are super smart.

02:28:43.000 Yes.

02:28:43.000 No, that's a highly trainable dog.

02:28:45.000 They're also, like, they're sizing you up.

02:28:47.000 Like, when a German Shepherd looks at you, he's, like, figuring, like, what's going on here?

02:28:51.000 What are you all about?

02:28:52.000 Are you a pussy?

02:28:53.000 Yes.

02:28:54.000 How about if I show my teeth?

02:28:55.000 What are you going to do?

02:28:56.000 Yeah.

02:28:57.000 What, are you scared of me?

02:28:58.000 Oh, look at you.

02:28:59.000 You smell like fear.

02:29:00.000 Yes.

02:29:01.000 Oh, faggot.

02:29:01.000 Yeah.

02:29:04.000 Like a comedy audience, dude.

02:29:06.000 If a German shepherd could talk, they would say some creepy shit to you.

02:29:11.000 They would.

02:29:12.000 Yeah.

02:29:12.000 They would be like, what would happen if I bit you?

02:29:17.000 What would you do?

02:29:18.000 Yeah.

02:29:19.000 Why do fire departments have Dalmatians?

02:29:21.000 Dalmatians and horses are very compatible.

02:29:23.000 Oh!

02:29:24.000 So the dogs were easily trained to run in front of the engines to help clear a path and guide the horses and the firefighters to fires quickly.

02:29:31.000 They are still chosen by many firefighters as pets in honor of their heroism in the past.

02:29:36.000 Oh, so they're fucking heroic dogs.

02:29:39.000 That's cool.

02:29:39.000 You asshole.

02:29:40.000 Calling them stupid.

02:29:42.000 I know.

02:29:42.000 I'm the worst.

02:29:42.000 I'm the worst human being ever.

02:29:44.000 I'm always the person like, oh, they're crippled.

02:29:46.000 Okay, great.

02:29:47.000 Yeah, they're fucking stupid.

02:29:49.000 Fuck!

02:29:49.000 That brain come out of their ears.

02:29:51.000 Yeah.

02:29:51.000 They're all dumb and shit.

02:29:53.000 Worst person.

02:29:56.000 They're deaf?

02:29:57.000 Why are Dalmatians- They're a genetic predisposition for deafness.

02:30:00.000 It's a serious problem for Dalmatians.

02:30:02.000 Only about 70% of them have normal hearing.

02:30:05.000 Deafness was not recognized by early breeders, so the breed was thought to be unintelligent.

02:30:10.000 Ah.

02:30:11.000 Wow.

02:30:13.000 That's interesting.

02:30:14.000 They're cute as shit, though.

02:30:16.000 Crazy.

02:30:16.000 Those little spots and shit.

02:30:18.000 Yeah.

02:30:19.000 I feel like if you're going to have a dog like a German Shepherd, you've got to be around that fucking dog all the time.

02:30:25.000 I was just going to say that.

02:30:26.000 They need work.

02:30:27.000 You've got to put in the time for those dogs.

02:30:29.000 Yeah.

02:30:29.000 Yeah, they're working dogs.

02:30:31.000 Because if you don't, my dad got one from the pound when I was a kid, and he didn't put in the time, and that dog tore everything apart and was just bored out of its mind.

02:30:39.000 You can't take a smart fucking dog and just throw it in the backyard.

02:30:42.000 Yeah.

02:30:43.000 That's when they jump out, and they, you know, of course, you go crazy.

02:30:46.000 Excape.

02:30:47.000 Excape, yes.

02:30:48.000 Yeah.

02:30:48.000 Excape.

02:30:49.000 Let a motherfucker know.

02:30:51.000 Yeah.

02:30:51.000 Can't hold me in with your bullshit ass fence.

02:30:54.000 That's right.

02:30:55.000 Or the Rottweiler, too.

02:30:57.000 That's a good one.

02:30:57.000 That's a smart dog, too.

02:30:59.000 They're mean dogs, too.

02:31:01.000 They're good at being mean.

02:31:04.000 Or the Rockwilder.

02:31:05.000 Yeah, Rockwilder.

02:31:07.000 A Rockwilder.

02:31:12.000 Xscape, the rock wildest.

02:31:14.000 Yeah, my rock wild, the Xscape.

02:31:16.000 I remember one time when I adopted our first dog, and there was a guy next to me, and he was getting a Rottweiler.

02:31:22.000 And I remember the lady behind the counter saying, Well, sir, you know that these dogs are highly intelligent, and they require hours and hours of training.

02:31:29.000 You're going to do that, right?

02:31:30.000 And he was like, Oh, yeah, yeah, sure, sure.

02:31:32.000 It's like, you know he's not going to fucking...

02:31:34.000 This guy's not going to...

02:31:35.000 He's going to parade it around the neighborhood with a fucking dumb chain around its neck.

02:31:39.000 And that's it.

02:31:40.000 That's it for that dog.

02:31:41.000 Leave it in the yard.

02:31:42.000 Yeah.

02:31:43.000 Dog's going to go nuts.

02:31:45.000 They go nuts.

02:31:46.000 Dogs need fucking exercise.

02:31:48.000 They need stuff to do.

02:31:50.000 Like, my dog becomes a different person, or a different thing, rather, when I take him running.

02:31:55.000 A different person.

02:31:55.000 He gets so excited.

02:31:56.000 When he runs, he's like, he runs, he's got a giant smile on his face, he runs around, he's like, yes!

02:32:05.000 He runs the hills, and he comes back, everything cool?

02:32:07.000 Okay, I'll see you in a minute!

02:32:08.000 He takes off again.

02:32:09.000 But then when the end of the day comes, you know, an hour and a half later, when we're done running, he's like...

02:32:15.000 He's just chilled the fuck out.

02:32:17.000 He can barely jump in the truck.

02:32:19.000 He puts his paws up.

02:32:20.000 He wants me to help him sometimes.

02:32:24.000 If we do a mile, he jumps in easy.

02:32:27.000 If we do two miles, it gets a little sketchy.

02:32:29.000 Two miles in the hills.

02:32:30.000 Too long.

02:32:31.000 Hills make two miles a long way.

02:32:34.000 Yeah.

02:32:35.000 It's a hard time getting back in that truck.

02:32:37.000 He's like, come on, dude.

02:32:37.000 Pick me up.

02:32:38.000 You know you can pick me up.

02:32:40.000 I'll put my paws up here.

02:32:41.000 You know what's next.

02:32:43.000 And do you co-sleep with him?

02:32:45.000 No, no, no.

02:32:46.000 He's crate trained or what do you do?

02:32:48.000 No, he just sleeps outside.

02:32:49.000 He sleeps outside the door of the house.

02:32:51.000 I mean, not outside, outside.

02:32:52.000 Outside the door of the bedroom.

02:32:54.000 Oh, okay.

02:32:54.000 But in the hallway or whatever.

02:32:56.000 He doesn't like beds.

02:32:58.000 He's weird.

02:32:59.000 I got him a bunch of dog beds.

02:33:00.000 He just throws his toys in that and sleeps on the ground.

02:33:03.000 Well, I actually had a dog trainer tell me that the dogs don't need the beds, that that's a human thing to us.

02:33:09.000 He goes, yeah, but look at dogs.

02:33:11.000 They'll lay on the floor.

02:33:12.000 Right.

02:33:12.000 They don't give a fuck about the bed.

02:33:14.000 That's you and your thing.

02:33:15.000 Well, it's definitely true with my dog.

02:33:17.000 Yeah.

02:33:17.000 He just doesn't use them.

02:33:18.000 I had beds in three different spots in the house, and he would never choose them.

02:33:25.000 I'm like, come on, buddy.

02:33:26.000 Lie down.

02:33:26.000 I'm like, what are we doing?

02:33:27.000 I'm like, come on, buddy.

02:33:28.000 Here's your bed.

02:33:29.000 Here's your bed.

02:33:29.000 And he'd step on the bed.

02:33:30.000 He's like, what is this stupid thing?

02:33:31.000 And they would climb off the bed and lie down.

02:33:33.000 Just lie down right on the wood floor.

02:33:35.000 I was like, okay.

02:33:36.000 It's like that documentary about that guy that got out of North Korea in the camp.

02:33:40.000 And then they gave him an apartment, they gave him a bed, and he was like, no thanks.

02:33:44.000 And he would just sleep on the floor.

02:33:45.000 Really?

02:33:46.000 Yeah, there was some documentary, I forget.

02:33:48.000 But he was in a camp in North Korea, and they finally, they got him to Seoul, and they're like, here's your iPhone, here's the subway, here's your apartment with all this cool shit.

02:33:56.000 And he was like, I'm good.

02:33:58.000 And he just would lay on the floor and sleep, because he was so used to being in prison, essentially.

02:34:04.000 Which is interesting how the human mind, right?

02:34:06.000 When you're traumatized in that way of thinking, you don't even see what you have.

02:34:11.000 The human mind is so adaptable, right?

02:34:13.000 Yes.

02:34:16.000 There's so many different ways to be a person, so many different ways to live.

02:34:23.000 I was listening to a thing about trauma and Vietnam war events and how all that shit works.

02:34:31.000 When you've gone through trauma, the rest of your life you're living in the past.

02:34:36.000 That's what that is, right?

02:34:38.000 You get locked in that one thing.

02:34:40.000 Yeah, just locked in the horrific memories.

02:34:42.000 Yeah.

02:34:43.000 Yeah.

02:34:44.000 That's not just the case for people that have gone through war.

02:34:47.000 It's also the case for people that have grown up in really bad neighborhoods.

02:34:51.000 Yeah.

02:34:52.000 PTSD from the hood.

02:34:53.000 For sure.

02:34:54.000 PTSD from violence that they saw at home.

02:34:57.000 Domestic violence.

02:34:58.000 Yep.

02:34:59.000 Yeah.

02:35:00.000 Yeah.

02:35:02.000 And then I was listening to a podcast about microaggressions.

02:35:10.000 Was it a social justice warrior podcast?

02:35:13.000 Well, initially, I didn't know it was.

02:35:15.000 Like, I stumbled into one, apparently.

02:35:17.000 Because I just was interested.

02:35:18.000 I'm like, what the fuck is, what is a micro, like, what is this?

02:35:21.000 You know, I want to learn about it.

02:35:23.000 And she was like, I'm a therapist and I treat people with microaggressions.

02:35:28.000 You know, there's like a million little paper cuts over time.

02:35:31.000 And I was like, okay, well, what's that?

02:35:33.000 And she's like, you know, if you're like an Asian woman and people are like, they fetishize you and they're like, they hit on you, let's say, because you're an Asian woman.

02:35:41.000 That's a microaggression.

02:35:42.000 So a lifetime of those little things.

02:35:45.000 Wait a minute.

02:35:46.000 It's trauma and you need trauma counseling.

02:35:50.000 They hit on you because you're Asian.

02:35:52.000 Right.

02:35:52.000 Like, you know, there's dudes out there that are just strictly into Asian girls or whatever.

02:35:55.000 Let's say, for instance, and you're an Asian woman and a guy comes on to you and it's traumatic because you're like, oh, it's fucking pervert.

02:36:03.000 Just wants me to wash his feet and shit.

02:36:06.000 Right.

02:36:06.000 Let's say a woman, okay?

02:36:08.000 Right.

02:36:08.000 I'm in a meeting, just me, and a guy interrupts me and I want to talk.

02:36:13.000 That's a microaggression.

02:36:15.000 And I've suffered the trauma of that and I need to be in...

02:36:20.000 What if the guy interrupts a guy?

02:36:21.000 Is that still a microaggression?

02:36:23.000 I didn't get that far, man.

02:36:25.000 I don't know.

02:36:26.000 Yeah, it could be like a gay microaggression.

02:36:29.000 Right?

02:36:31.000 Maybe.

02:36:32.000 Maybe.

02:36:33.000 Maybe.

02:36:36.000 But that's a form of trauma.

02:36:38.000 Yeah, there's a bunch of them.

02:36:40.000 You know, compliments, holding doors open for someone could be a microaggression.

02:36:44.000 Uh-huh.

02:36:44.000 Because you're saying that the woman can't open the door by herself.

02:36:48.000 Right.

02:36:48.000 Even just simple politeness.

02:36:50.000 Mm-hmm.

02:36:51.000 Becomes chivalry as a microaggression.

02:36:54.000 Right.

02:36:54.000 And again, that's a form of trauma that needs counseling.

02:36:59.000 Well, there's just a bunch of weak bitches out there that can't handle regular life.

02:37:03.000 So they want everything all nerfed up.

02:37:05.000 They want all the language nerfed up.

02:37:09.000 All behavior nerfed up.

02:37:12.000 And then we're also encouraging people that just can't let things roll off their back, which is very dangerous.

02:37:17.000 Like, the more people don't get offended, the better off we are.

02:37:21.000 You know who fucking handled something absolutely spectacularly?

02:37:24.000 That Navy SEAL, who was a politician, who...

02:37:29.000 The guy from Saturday Night Live, Pete...

02:37:33.000 The one dating Ariana Grande?

02:37:35.000 Who was.

02:37:36.000 Pete Davison?

02:37:37.000 They broke up after they got several tattoos.

02:37:39.000 I heard.

02:37:41.000 Pete was talking about him on Saturday Night Live and he said he looked like a villain in a porno film.

02:37:47.000 And then he joked around.

02:37:48.000 He goes, yeah, I guess you shouldn't joke around about it because he lost his eye in war or whatever.

02:37:54.000 He's laughing the whole time.

02:37:55.000 I was like, wow.

02:37:57.000 Like...

02:37:58.000 There's one thing about joking around about the guy looking like a villain in a porno film, but joking around saying he lost his eye in war, like whatever.

02:38:05.000 I'm like, man, that is surprising that SNL let that go, and they did it because of the guy's right wing, which is really fascinating.

02:38:13.000 Their bias towards the left and against the right is so obvious.

02:38:19.000 It's so crazy.

02:38:20.000 I mean, they didn't think that it would be a problem to make fun of a war veteran who lost his eye in combat because the man in front of him was blown up by an IED. He tore his face apart and ruined one of his eyes.

02:38:35.000 And he handled it so well.

02:38:38.000 He said something about he works hard not to offend and even harder to not be offended.

02:38:46.000 Hmm, that's cool.

02:38:48.000 Yeah, but he also said that he really didn't think it was a good idea to make jokes about someone who, I'm paraphrasing, someone who was disfigured in combat.

02:39:00.000 Right, which that seems to be a pretty fair line.

02:39:03.000 Yeah.

02:39:04.000 I don't think that's unreasonable.

02:39:06.000 No, it's not unreasonable.

02:39:07.000 And I think he handled it as good as you can handle it when you're on television, national television.

02:39:13.000 They're laughing and joking about you having one eye.

02:39:15.000 Yeah.

02:39:16.000 And meanwhile, you lost your eye in the service of the country.

02:39:19.000 Right.

02:39:20.000 Incredibly dangerous thing that only the people who've done it really truly understand and here's this young kid with bleached hair Laughing right only having one eye and he's doing it on a national comedy show and people are laughing along with him because you're a Republican Right,

02:39:37.000 and that's the interesting point is because he is a Republican, it's kind of okay to shit on that person.

02:39:42.000 Yeah, that's why it's okay.

02:39:42.000 It's fucking weird.

02:39:44.000 That's weird.

02:39:45.000 Yeah.

02:39:46.000 Yeah.

02:39:47.000 Well, yeah.

02:39:48.000 But the guy handled it well.

02:39:49.000 And they probably actually probably won him the election.

02:39:52.000 That's probably how that shit goes, right?

02:39:54.000 People are going to find out about it.

02:39:55.000 You know, you make fun of the guy because you think it's funny, and then you're giving him all this press, then he handles it well, and then people are like, oh, the guy's a Navy SEAL? Oh.

02:40:04.000 Well, I like what he says.

02:40:05.000 Listen to him talk.

02:40:06.000 Seems like a good guy.

02:40:07.000 Next thing you know, he wins.

02:40:08.000 I know.

02:40:09.000 So valiant.

02:40:10.000 I kind of wish McCain had a better...

02:40:12.000 Better rap?

02:40:12.000 Yeah.

02:40:13.000 He fucked up with that Sarah Palin shit.

02:40:15.000 She was a ding-dong.

02:40:16.000 That was preposterous.

02:40:18.000 Yeah, really.

02:40:19.000 Hey, man, and I would love to see a woman in the White House.

02:40:22.000 Just not that one.

02:40:22.000 Just not, yeah.

02:40:23.000 Yeah, no.

02:40:24.000 Not that one.

02:40:25.000 She was a real ding-dong.

02:40:26.000 No.

02:40:26.000 I'd take ten Hillary Clintons.

02:40:28.000 Before I take one.

02:40:29.000 And I don't want Hillary Clinton to win.

02:40:31.000 I think she's ridiculously awful, too.

02:40:33.000 I think a lot of people really disliked Hillary.

02:40:36.000 Really disliked her.

02:40:37.000 They should.

02:40:38.000 Yeah.

02:40:39.000 She got a shitload of money from banks.

02:40:41.000 She's completely full of shit.

02:40:42.000 She didn't like gay marriage until 2013. She didn't agree with gay marriage until 2013. Like, what are you, a dinosaur?

02:40:51.000 Like, what the fuck is wrong with you?

02:40:53.000 Why would you even care?

02:40:55.000 Because she's not real.

02:40:56.000 She doesn't she didn't care.

02:40:58.000 She just was doing what she thought would support her position politically.

02:41:03.000 She was leaning right when Obama was leaning more left and she was trying to center herself as a or position herself as a wiser choice for people who were unhappy with the The choice is on the right, but really unhappy with Obama,

02:41:20.000 and she was a better option.

02:41:21.000 She's more sensible.

02:41:22.000 She's a little more hawkish, a little more prone to go to war, a little more pro-military, or at least military action.

02:41:30.000 But meanwhile, just a puppet of banks and just those people make shit piles of money from speeches and there's major problems with the Clinton Foundation.

02:41:41.000 It's not even around anymore.

02:41:43.000 They shut it down.

02:41:44.000 Oh, I didn't know that.

02:41:44.000 I didn't even know that.

02:41:45.000 It's a dark, dark, dark legion.

02:41:48.000 Meanwhile, she's doing all this Me Too talk.

02:41:50.000 Her husband's a goddamn predator.

02:41:52.000 Yeah.

02:41:53.000 He's been a predator forever.

02:41:55.000 That, I think, for women, at least for me, I was like, are you going to stay with this, bro?

02:42:00.000 The Monica Lewinsky thing.

02:42:01.000 She said that Monica Lewinsky was a grown woman and it wasn't an abuse of power.

02:42:05.000 Get the fuck out of here.

02:42:07.000 How old is Monica?

02:42:07.000 She was 20. He was the president.

02:42:09.000 Yeah, 20 is your kid.

02:42:12.000 He was the president.

02:42:13.000 There is no more powerful person on earth.

02:42:17.000 If that's not an abusive power, what is an abusive power?

02:42:19.000 Of course.

02:42:20.000 You're banging someone who works for you and you run the world?

02:42:22.000 I know, dude.

02:42:24.000 I know, and I get it.

02:42:25.000 If I were 20 and he was around, I'd be like, I don't know if I can do this.

02:42:29.000 I'm going to suck this old guy's dick.

02:42:32.000 I don't know.

02:42:33.000 It's still operating.

02:42:34.000 What's still operating?

02:42:35.000 The Clinton Foundation?

02:42:36.000 But didn't they shut down part of it?

02:42:39.000 Look down Clinton Foundation shuts down or cease operations.

02:42:44.000 Look that up.

02:42:45.000 Because there was some article that I read about it.

02:42:48.000 I think for me, the whole Stand By Your Man thing, no matter what, is just so antiquated.

02:42:54.000 Oh, you're just going back to this Tommy Bunn stuff.

02:42:57.000 You ready to turn him in for killing a barista?

02:42:58.000 It came from a satirical site.

02:43:00.000 Oh, it did?

02:43:00.000 Yeah.

02:43:01.000 Really?

02:43:01.000 Wow.

02:43:02.000 So it didn't shut down at all?

02:43:04.000 Nothing.

02:43:05.000 I'm a loser.

02:43:06.000 They got me.

02:43:07.000 According to factcheck.org.

02:43:11.000 Google Story, though.

02:43:12.000 See if there's a Google Clinton Foundation.

02:43:15.000 These baseless claims are made up by a self-described satirical website.

02:43:19.000 So they didn't reduce operations or anything?

02:43:22.000 There's another thing that says from 2017 they shut down the Clinton Global Initiative.

02:43:28.000 But that was the thing.

02:43:29.000 It was right after the election, which is 2016. That's what I read.

02:43:36.000 That after the election, after it was all over...

02:43:40.000 I don't know.

02:43:41.000 Either way.

02:43:42.000 The Clinton Foundation is super sketch.

02:43:45.000 One of the reasons it's super sketch is a lot of people that donate.

02:43:48.000 There's just a lot of weird shit going on with donators and then them doing speeches for these huge organizations like banks getting paid hundreds of thousands of dollars for some boring-ass speech, which is essentially a bribe.

02:44:03.000 Right, right, right.

02:44:04.000 That's all that is.

02:44:04.000 Those people aren't pumped to see her talk.

02:44:06.000 But why do I think any of these people are legit?

02:44:09.000 No.

02:44:10.000 Obama's done a lot of it, too.

02:44:12.000 He's done a lot of those paid speeches where they get hundreds of thousands of dollars to talk.

02:44:16.000 But I guess, I mean, look, I don't want to fucking get into it, but isn't that why people love Trumpy?

02:44:20.000 Because he's outside of the whole system, theoretically.

02:44:25.000 That's probably the part that...

02:44:26.000 Oh, here it goes.

02:44:27.000 What does it say?

02:44:28.000 End of an era.

02:44:29.000 The Clinton Global Initiative shuts down.

02:44:30.000 Oh, there you go.

02:44:31.000 It's part of the foundation.

02:44:32.000 End of an era.

02:44:33.000 Yeah.

02:44:34.000 End of an era.

02:44:36.000 Not an era.

02:44:39.000 E-R-R-O-R. Get it?

02:44:42.000 When they asked him, there was an interview where they asked him about Monica Lewinsky, like, do you owe her an apology?

02:44:48.000 He's like, well, anybody who thinks that I got out of that clean is crazy.

02:44:52.000 That cost me millions of dollars.

02:44:55.000 I left the White House in debt and all this stuff.

02:44:57.000 That's not what anybody asked you, you fucking sociopath.

02:45:01.000 He asked you, do you think she deserves an apology?

02:45:04.000 Because he never spoke to her.

02:45:05.000 Of course.

02:45:06.000 And meanwhile, she was one of the first people to be publicly shamed for something of this nature.

02:45:12.000 This was a huge scandal.

02:45:13.000 And this is back before the 24-hour news cycle, really.

02:45:17.000 Yeah, that shit stuck forever.

02:45:19.000 It was in the news forever.

02:45:21.000 This poor woman's life was over.

02:45:24.000 Done.

02:45:24.000 To this day, done.

02:45:26.000 Monica Lewinsky synonymous with dick sucker.

02:45:28.000 That's it.

02:45:28.000 Isn't that fucked up?

02:45:30.000 Cloud, you said it, not me.

02:45:31.000 Oh, shit, here we go.

02:45:33.000 How dare you?

02:45:34.000 How dare you?

02:45:35.000 I have sympathy for her, though.

02:45:38.000 This poor girl makes one mistake as a 20-year-old, and now her whole life is this scandal.

02:45:44.000 Do you remember there was a town hall thing that did on HBO many years later?

02:45:49.000 Where she was talking to a group of people about the president and about the whole situation.

02:45:56.000 And in the middle, people would ask questions and talk to her.

02:45:59.000 And one guy goes, you know, it just seems to me like you're just milking this for attention.

02:46:03.000 Like, why are you even still talking about this?

02:46:06.000 And she was like, uh...

02:46:09.000 And he was like, why are you still talking about this?

02:46:11.000 This is so horrific.

02:46:12.000 Like, why do you keep bringing this up?

02:46:15.000 What does she want to do?

02:46:17.000 What's she supposed to do?

02:46:19.000 Yeah, what is she supposed to do?

02:46:20.000 But imagine being that person who was 20 years old, so essentially you're a kid, and the whole world knows you suck the president's dick.

02:46:28.000 So everywhere you go, people are like, oh, you suck the president's dick.

02:46:31.000 It's horrible.

02:46:32.000 She said that it sticks like tar.

02:46:35.000 That was her description, that the shame sticks to you like tar.

02:46:38.000 I believe it.

02:46:39.000 And what about Marilyn Monroe?

02:46:41.000 Was she second Kennedy?

02:46:43.000 Everybody's dick.

02:46:44.000 Everybody's dick.

02:46:45.000 Both Kennedys.

02:46:45.000 Right.

02:46:46.000 Robert and Bobby.

02:46:47.000 Bobby and Jack.

02:46:48.000 But there's no evidence, I guess.

02:46:50.000 There was no dress.

02:46:51.000 There was no...

02:46:52.000 Why was that not a big deal?

02:46:54.000 Well, the world was a different place back then.

02:46:56.000 Didn't even have DNA. Oh, right, right.

02:46:58.000 And then she, air quotes, died.

02:47:01.000 Right.

02:47:02.000 They killed that bitch.

02:47:03.000 You think so?

02:47:04.000 100%.

02:47:06.000 Really?

02:47:06.000 Apparently she was all yappity-yap-yap.

02:47:08.000 And she was getting older, and nobody wanted to bang her anymore.

02:47:12.000 Like, we're not going to do the right thing here, right?

02:47:14.000 And they just decided to...

02:47:17.000 Yeah, she wanted to tell everybody.

02:47:19.000 First I fucked Jack, and then I fucked Bobby.

02:47:23.000 Was she?

02:47:24.000 Yeah.

02:47:24.000 Well, at least from what I've heard, read.

02:47:26.000 Maybe bipolar.

02:47:29.000 She came from a lot of trauma.

02:47:30.000 Severely abused as a child.

02:47:32.000 Oh, yeah.

02:47:33.000 We got the, you know, orphanage, I think.

02:47:36.000 Oh, really?

02:47:37.000 Making shit up?

02:47:38.000 No.

02:47:39.000 No, she was a pretty bad childhood.

02:47:43.000 Man.

02:47:44.000 From what I know.

02:47:44.000 Well, makes sense.

02:47:45.000 Actress.

02:47:46.000 Yeah.

02:47:47.000 Comedian.

02:47:48.000 Exorbitant need for attention.

02:47:51.000 Comedians at least write their own stuff.

02:47:56.000 Right?

02:47:56.000 Yeah.

02:47:57.000 Actors like comedians with no punchlines.

02:47:59.000 Right.

02:48:00.000 But here's...

02:48:00.000 Okay.

02:48:00.000 But crazier because they always have to get auditioned for stuff.

02:48:03.000 Oh, what a nightmare.

02:48:04.000 However, here's what I do admire about actors.

02:48:07.000 I feel like they're more in touch with their feelings than we are.

02:48:11.000 Like, that's accessing feelings.

02:48:13.000 Like, I'm talking real actors and shit.

02:48:15.000 Yeah.

02:48:16.000 At least me, I don't like feeling-y things too much.

02:48:21.000 Feeling-y?

02:48:22.000 You know what I'm saying?

02:48:23.000 My asshole gets very itchy when...

02:48:26.000 No, I'm talking about feelings.

02:48:28.000 Yeah, like, ugh, I don't want to do that.

02:48:31.000 Right.

02:48:31.000 So I admire that.

02:48:33.000 When you can access feelings and show people feelings and stuff, I guess.

02:48:38.000 Yeah, that makes sense.

02:48:39.000 Right?

02:48:39.000 Yeah, I guess.

02:48:40.000 But I think they're fake feelings.

02:48:42.000 I think these are the feelings they think they should have, so they just start crying.

02:48:46.000 Oh.

02:48:46.000 I should be sad here.

02:48:47.000 I'm going to cry.

02:48:48.000 I can't believe this.

02:48:49.000 I think they're sociopaths for the most part.

02:48:51.000 I think the vast majority of actors...

02:48:54.000 What do you think about the actors when they're making a movie and they have to stay in character the whole time?

02:49:00.000 Oh, those are the biggest sociopaths.

02:49:02.000 But the best actors, too.

02:49:04.000 You know, like the...

02:49:06.000 Those guys are the best, yeah.

02:49:07.000 I saw the documentary, The Man on the Moon, about Jim Carrey doing, what's the guy's fucking name?

02:49:13.000 You know.

02:49:14.000 Andy Kaufman.

02:49:15.000 Yeah.

02:49:15.000 They say Andy Kaufman.

02:49:17.000 Oh, Andy Kaufman.

02:49:18.000 Kaufman.

02:49:19.000 And apparently, you know, he stayed in character the whole time.

02:49:22.000 And so he would annoy the shit out of people the whole time and throw tantrums and stuff.

02:49:27.000 And I was like, well, that sounds fucking terrible.

02:49:30.000 Yeah.

02:49:31.000 Yeah.

02:49:33.000 How about just act, bro?

02:49:36.000 Other actors have broken that down and made fun of people who do that.

02:49:41.000 And, like, I love Jim Carrey.

02:49:43.000 I think he's so talented and so funny.

02:49:45.000 But I'd be really annoyed.

02:49:47.000 That would be annoying if you had to work with him for six months and you just be into Kaufman every day.

02:49:51.000 Yeah, I'm the annoying asshole.

02:49:53.000 And then do things like hold up production.

02:49:55.000 And, you know what I mean?

02:49:56.000 Those are union people.

02:49:58.000 These are dudes that are up at, like, four in the morning putting sets up and lighting.

02:50:02.000 And that guy's got to wait for you because you're in your trailer pretending to be somebody else.

02:50:09.000 You know what I'm saying?

02:50:09.000 He would hold up production.

02:50:11.000 That, to me, is disrespectful.

02:50:12.000 Is that what he really did?

02:50:13.000 That's what this documentary was about.

02:50:15.000 I was trying to remember.

02:50:16.000 I don't know if he officially said it in it, but I think he wanted that whole part, because they were filming it, to be part of the movie, too.

02:50:24.000 And they decided to not do that and make the movie the movie.

02:50:27.000 Oh, okay.

02:50:27.000 So he wanted it included in there.

02:50:29.000 But I was going to say, Jerry Lawler was really mad at him because...

02:50:33.000 That was not the relationship that, according to him, that was not the relationship they had.

02:50:37.000 They're like, it was all a ruse.

02:50:38.000 It was like a wrestling type deal.

02:50:40.000 Right, they'd worked it all out.

02:50:41.000 Yeah, but that's not how Jim Carrey was acting.

02:50:43.000 He was just being a dickhead to him over and over and over again.

02:50:46.000 Pissing him off.

02:50:46.000 Oh, that's unfortunate.

02:50:48.000 Well, even not specific to this one person.

02:50:51.000 I just, that seems absurd to me to pretend to be.

02:50:54.000 Yeah, but if you do it and it works and that makes an awesome movie, I don't know.

02:50:59.000 I mean, like, one of them Daniel Day-Lewis characters, he does that shit, and he's the best.

02:51:03.000 Yeah.

02:51:05.000 His movies are all pretty good, you know?

02:51:07.000 Yeah.

02:51:08.000 There's a few that I haven't seen, but most of them that I've seen are pretty goddamn killer.

02:51:12.000 He's pretty rad.

02:51:13.000 He's crazy, though.

02:51:14.000 I mean, you gotta leave him alone.

02:51:16.000 Let him do that stupid thing where he pretends to be Lincoln.

02:51:20.000 Holy shit.

02:51:21.000 Did you try to watch that one?

02:51:22.000 Yeah, I tried.

02:51:23.000 We talked about it yesterday.

02:51:24.000 I was like, Jesus, this is terrible.

02:51:26.000 Oh, I couldn't do it.

02:51:27.000 Everything that white people like and they give fucking awards to, like these white bummer movies, I can't do it.

02:51:33.000 I can't watch the movie about the guy with fucking AIDS. I can't watch the movie about Lincoln.

02:51:37.000 What about musicals?

02:51:38.000 Get the fuck out of here!

02:51:41.000 Fuck your mother!

02:51:44.000 Fuck your life with a musical.

02:51:47.000 Can I tell you the one I don't want to see the most?

02:51:49.000 Yes.

02:51:49.000 And I'm in a lot of hate over.

02:51:50.000 Yes.

02:51:51.000 Because I found out it was rap.

02:51:52.000 Did you know that?

02:51:53.000 It's fucking rap.

02:51:54.000 What do you mean it's rap?

02:51:55.000 The music of Hamilton.

02:51:57.000 It's rap music.

02:51:58.000 No.

02:51:58.000 So it's not even tradition.

02:51:59.000 Know that?

02:52:00.000 Listen to Jamie.

02:52:01.000 Wait a minute.

02:52:01.000 It's white people doing rap music?

02:52:03.000 Yes!

02:52:05.000 No!

02:52:06.000 I refuse to see that shit.

02:52:08.000 I was in Manhattan last weekend and we were passing by Broadway and all these old dead white people were stumbling out of this theater pretending they just enjoyed what nonsense they just saw.

02:52:21.000 They have Pretty Woman the musical and all these fucking rubes are saying, oh, so good.

02:52:28.000 The way she sang about sucking his dick when she was a prostitute.

02:52:31.000 He was a rich guy.

02:52:33.000 Hamilton, The Story of Tonight.

02:52:35.000 It's just a song playing.

02:52:36.000 I was going to play five seconds.

02:52:37.000 You want to play me some of it?

02:52:38.000 Give me some song.

02:52:39.000 Is this white people or black people?

02:52:46.000 Probably both.

02:52:47.000 Cultural appropriation.

02:52:48.000 That's what I think.

02:52:49.000 Microaggression.

02:52:52.000 Is this supposed to be good?

02:52:53.000 Yeah.

02:52:58.000 Hmm.

02:52:59.000 Okay, kill it.

02:53:04.000 See, just that hurt me.

02:53:07.000 I think they are a murderous assault in your attention span.

02:53:10.000 That's what I think.

02:53:12.000 That's a very good...

02:53:13.000 I've been to two musicals.

02:53:15.000 No, I've been to more because I went to the Book of Mormon, which is, I guess, technically a musical, but awesome.

02:53:22.000 You like this?

02:53:22.000 The Book of Mormon.

02:53:24.000 It's the South Park guys.

02:53:25.000 It's genius.

02:53:27.000 It's really, really, really funny.

02:53:29.000 But that doesn't count because it's the South Park guys.

02:53:32.000 Yeah, yeah.

02:53:32.000 It's really good.

02:53:33.000 But I also went to see Chicago because a friend of mine was in it.

02:53:38.000 It was death.

02:53:40.000 It was death.

02:53:41.000 It was death.

02:53:42.000 We all got together in the fucking...

02:53:48.000 The intermission, and we all got a drink during the intermission, and I got three drinks during the intermission.

02:53:52.000 I was just throwing them down.

02:53:54.000 And I was like, I can't believe I have to sit through more of this shit.

02:53:57.000 And I'm like, and I can't believe you guys are sitting here pretending that you like it.

02:54:00.000 I go, fuck all of you.

02:54:01.000 And then they started laughing and breaking down, because it was our friend.

02:54:04.000 I go, she's great.

02:54:05.000 She's so talented.

02:54:06.000 I go, this is death.

02:54:07.000 This is death.

02:54:08.000 This is just a slow chip away.

02:54:10.000 He had it coming.

02:54:11.000 He had it coming.

02:54:14.000 Yeah, the fucking worst, dude.

02:54:17.000 I get people like it.

02:54:18.000 Don't get mad at me if you like something that I don't like.

02:54:20.000 Don't get mad.

02:54:20.000 No, you're gonna get it, though.

02:54:22.000 Don't get mad.

02:54:23.000 You're allowed to like whatever you like, and I'm allowed.

02:54:25.000 Look, you're talking to a person who watches Professional Pool.

02:54:29.000 I watch it on YouTube.

02:54:30.000 I watch it live.

02:54:32.000 I'll go to see a match live.

02:54:35.000 I'm a fucking dummy, alright?

02:54:38.000 Don't listen to me.

02:54:39.000 I like dumber shit.

02:54:41.000 But if you have like a world championship pool match that's right next to a musical, yeah.

02:54:46.000 No, dude.

02:54:47.000 Musicals are terrible.

02:54:48.000 No, dude.

02:54:49.000 Let's talk the worst musicals.

02:54:51.000 I don't know the worst.

02:54:51.000 I've only seen three.

02:54:52.000 I saw Cats, Chicago.

02:54:53.000 That's the one I was going to say.

02:54:55.000 Andrew Lloyd Webber School.

02:54:57.000 That's Cats, dude.

02:54:58.000 Oh, what did he do?

02:54:59.000 How did he do that?

02:55:00.000 How did he sneak that unentertaining piece of shit through American people's faces for years?

02:55:05.000 For years and years and years.

02:55:07.000 People were like, I'm a cat.

02:55:11.000 For years.

02:55:13.000 For years.

02:55:14.000 No, I know.

02:55:14.000 I saw it in the 80s as a kid.

02:55:16.000 I saw it when I was 19 years old.

02:55:18.000 A girl that I was dating took me.

02:55:20.000 Yes, she took me to see it like we were gonna pretend.

02:55:23.000 We were both 19. We were gonna pretend we're grown-ups.

02:55:26.000 We went to see a musical.

02:55:27.000 And then when it was halfway over, I couldn't believe that it was only halfway over.

02:55:31.000 I was like, you mean this is halfway done?

02:55:33.000 This is the intermission?

02:55:35.000 She's like, yeah, it's the intermission.

02:55:36.000 I go, do you want to get the fuck out of here?

02:55:37.000 She goes, yeah, I guess we can.

02:55:39.000 I was like, do you like this?

02:55:40.000 She goes, no, I was hoping it was gonna get better.

02:55:42.000 I go, how could it get better though?

02:55:44.000 How can he get better?

02:55:45.000 What are they going to do?

02:55:45.000 Is it all of a sudden going to be a movie?

02:55:47.000 Is it all of a sudden we're going to see aliens and fucking laser beams?

02:55:51.000 Well, that's the thing.

02:55:51.000 You've got to stay tuned because then they go into the spaceship and they go to the grand cat in the sky.

02:55:56.000 The grand wizard of the cats comes down.

02:55:57.000 Do they?

02:55:58.000 Yeah, man.

02:55:59.000 But they don't talk, right?

02:56:00.000 Yeah, no.

02:56:01.000 The grand wizard comes down.

02:56:02.000 He talks?

02:56:03.000 Yeah.

02:56:04.000 I forget what the- You missed the good part.

02:56:06.000 I think he talks.

02:56:07.000 He's like, meow, meow, meow, meow.

02:56:11.000 Meow.

02:56:12.000 Meow.

02:56:13.000 I don't even remember if they sing in words, but I remember them crawling around.

02:56:17.000 I was like, what in the fuck is this?

02:56:20.000 Yeah, the Fosse.

02:56:21.000 Oh, God.

02:56:22.000 How painful.

02:56:23.000 That's the thing I can't access as an entertainer.

02:56:27.000 That dorky, theater-y.

02:56:29.000 Yes.

02:56:30.000 Yes, the theater-y thing.

02:56:32.000 Right, right.

02:56:33.000 It's so embarrassing.

02:56:34.000 Something that Greg Proops would really be into.

02:56:36.000 No disrespect, Greg.

02:56:37.000 Oh, no.

02:56:38.000 He's so smart.

02:56:39.000 He's very smart.

02:56:40.000 God damn it.

02:56:41.000 Okay, there's more Andrew Lloyd Webbers.

02:56:43.000 There's like the roller skating one.

02:56:44.000 I don't know any other ones.

02:56:45.000 I said Jesus Christ Superstar.

02:56:47.000 That one's not terrible.

02:56:50.000 Is that?

02:56:51.000 Jesus Christ Superstar.

02:56:55.000 Where you are.

02:56:56.000 Up your butt.

02:56:57.000 I don't know.

02:56:57.000 They did it on TV last year too and John Legend won an Emmy for it.

02:57:03.000 Wow.

02:57:04.000 He got it.

02:57:08.000 There's a thing that's gross.

02:57:09.000 Awards for art.

02:57:11.000 I agree.

02:57:12.000 Yeah, it's a trick.

02:57:13.000 I agree.

02:57:14.000 It's just a dirty trick to pump up whatever fucking thing it is.

02:57:17.000 I agree.

02:57:18.000 Whatever movie, whatever television show.

02:57:20.000 Yes, and I don't understand why people want to watch these things.

02:57:24.000 I think it would be a nightmare to go to one.

02:57:27.000 I hope my husband wins one if he ever wants to for acting or whatever.

02:57:32.000 I don't think he gives a fuck.

02:57:33.000 Yeah, I don't think he gives a fuck either.

02:57:35.000 But I would hate to have to sit through that horse shit for six, seven hours in a gown and clapping for nonsense.

02:57:44.000 I've gone to the Emmys.

02:57:45.000 I went to the Emmys right after Phil Hartman died because he was up for an Emmy.

02:57:50.000 So we all went.

02:57:51.000 And he didn't win.

02:57:53.000 And when he didn't win, the guy from Frasier won.

02:57:56.000 And when he didn't win, Dave Foley turns to me and goes, the fuck's he have to do to win?

02:58:01.000 Right!

02:58:03.000 This is his last shot.

02:58:05.000 He's dead.

02:58:06.000 Still didn't give it to him.

02:58:07.000 Those cunts.

02:58:08.000 Well, because what group of cunts decides who wins the cunt awards?

02:58:13.000 I don't know.

02:58:13.000 They're looking for a gay guy.

02:58:16.000 Just like in the Outrage Olympics, that's like you got serious fucking score.

02:58:23.000 You got like a built-in score.

02:58:25.000 Oh, yeah.

02:58:26.000 Yeah.

02:58:28.000 If a guy plays a gay guy, you have built-in score like milk.

02:58:32.000 Yeah, I liked that movie, though.

02:58:34.000 Was it good?

02:58:34.000 I liked it.

02:58:35.000 Could it win an Oscar?

02:58:36.000 Did it win an Oscar?

02:58:37.000 I don't fucking know.

02:58:38.000 Should win an Oscar.

02:58:39.000 He's playing a gay guy.

02:58:40.000 You know when it shouldn't?

02:58:40.000 Because that's why, yeah.

02:58:41.000 You know when you never win an Oscar?

02:58:42.000 What?

02:58:43.000 Play a slow guy.

02:58:45.000 Nobody's going to give you an Oscar for that shit.

02:58:46.000 No one's going to give you an Oscar for that shit.

02:58:47.000 Not now.

02:58:47.000 You can't even do it anymore.

02:58:48.000 Not today.

02:58:49.000 They'll get mad that you didn't hire an actual slow guy.

02:58:53.000 Right?

02:58:55.000 Don't you think?

02:58:57.000 A thousand percent.

02:58:59.000 Yeah.

02:59:00.000 Yeah.

02:59:01.000 That was the problem with Jeffrey Tambor when he was on that tranny show.

02:59:04.000 Right.

02:59:05.000 The problem was he wasn't an actual transgender person.

02:59:08.000 Right.

02:59:08.000 And they got mad at him.

02:59:10.000 Mm-hmm.

02:59:10.000 Right.

02:59:11.000 Yeah.

02:59:12.000 Right.

02:59:13.000 I Am Sam Awards?

02:59:14.000 What the fuck is this?

02:59:17.000 That's what they're making fun of in Simple Jack.

02:59:19.000 Oh, I thought it was a type of awards.

02:59:22.000 I am Sam Awards.

02:59:25.000 He got a nominee for the best actor, and I'm like, nah, bro.

02:59:28.000 Did he win?

02:59:29.000 I thought he did.

02:59:30.000 No, it's his nominee.

02:59:32.000 I know, but I thought he did.

02:59:33.000 I don't know.

02:59:34.000 Maybe he could in 2002. 2002, you could play someone.

02:59:39.000 Dude, the fuck you won back then.

02:59:41.000 Yeah, well, you were saying that they got mad at The Rock because he played an amputee in a movie.

02:59:45.000 He's not really an amputee.

02:59:46.000 The skyscraper, yeah.

02:59:48.000 Stop.

02:59:49.000 Stop!

02:59:49.000 It's The Rock!

02:59:50.000 They love being outraged.

02:59:53.000 They do, yes.

02:59:54.000 Love it.

02:59:54.000 Yes, they do.

02:59:55.000 Because they're given a voice now, a platform on social media.

02:59:59.000 And people pay attention to it.

03:00:00.000 That's the biggest problem.

03:00:02.000 Yeah.

03:00:03.000 That's actually the problem, paying attention to it.

03:00:06.000 Corporations and what have you.

03:00:07.000 Don't pay attention.

03:00:09.000 Yes.

03:00:10.000 Which is why podcasts are so great.

03:00:12.000 Yeah.

03:00:13.000 Because you can do whatever the fuck you want and you don't have a boss.

03:00:16.000 You don't have everybody telling you to.

03:00:17.000 You could never have the try it out guy.

03:00:19.000 There he is.

03:00:20.000 No.

03:00:21.000 Try it out guy would never fly.

03:00:22.000 Try it out guy.

03:00:22.000 You could never.

03:00:23.000 If you had a radio show and you tried to play that, they'd pull you aside and go, Tom, Christina, this is not what we do here at WKRP in Cincinnati.

03:00:32.000 Baby, you ever wonder?

03:00:35.000 Yeah.

03:00:35.000 I love that show.

03:00:36.000 That was a good show.

03:00:38.000 Tell me about your time on a sitcom, please.

03:00:41.000 It was good because it was a job.

03:00:45.000 It was money.

03:00:46.000 And I'd never worked before.

03:00:48.000 I'd never acted before.

03:00:50.000 It was fascinating.

03:00:50.000 Seriously?

03:00:51.000 Did you ever take a class or anything?

03:00:52.000 I took a couple classes when I got a development deal.

03:00:56.000 I had to take some acting classes.

03:00:57.000 And I had a mean acting lady that was trying to be my mom if I ever got a mom.

03:01:02.000 And she was telling me that I was going to have her cast as my mom.

03:01:06.000 I was like, yeah, yeah, yeah.

03:01:07.000 The fuck?

03:01:09.000 One thing she said to me once, she's trying to mindfuck me.

03:01:13.000 It was really weird.

03:01:14.000 She was like, I'm worried.

03:01:15.000 I'm worried you're going to go out there and you're going to fail.

03:01:18.000 I go, why are you worried about that?

03:01:20.000 What are you talking about?

03:01:22.000 She's like, because you don't seem invested in this material.

03:01:25.000 I go, this sitcom that never went because it fucking sucks that we're reading?

03:01:31.000 No, it's not that I'm not invested.

03:01:33.000 It's just terrible.

03:01:34.000 If you want me to pretend that it's good, you want me to act it up like it's good?

03:01:38.000 I'm like, what kind of conversation are we having here?

03:01:40.000 And she was like, well, you might get a script like this.

03:01:42.000 I go, well, let's hope I don't.

03:01:44.000 Either way, I'm a fucking comedian, okay?

03:01:46.000 I'm doing this for money.

03:01:47.000 They offer me some money.

03:01:49.000 I'm like, I'm going to tell her.

03:01:50.000 That drives them crazy when they find out that you're a comedian and that you don't even give a shit about acting.

03:01:54.000 I'm like, yeah, they're going to give me some acting gigs.

03:01:56.000 I'll take it.

03:01:59.000 It was real weird, man.

03:02:01.000 Like, really weird.

03:02:02.000 The acting world, the coaching world, it's so weird.

03:02:04.000 But it's weird because the people that are acting coaches, almost all of them are failed actors.

03:02:10.000 Right.

03:02:10.000 They just didn't make it.

03:02:11.000 Otherwise, if they made it, they wouldn't be teaching.

03:02:13.000 They'd be out there doing it.

03:02:14.000 They don't want to teach it, for the most part.

03:02:16.000 Some of them do.

03:02:17.000 But...

03:02:18.000 So I did a few, but it was gross.

03:02:21.000 As soon as I didn't have to do it anymore, I stopped doing it.

03:02:23.000 The classes or the shows?

03:02:25.000 Oh yeah, the classes are terrible.

03:02:27.000 Then I did a terrible sitcom for six episodes called Hardball on Fox.

03:02:31.000 It was a baseball sitcom.

03:02:32.000 That got canceled.

03:02:33.000 And then I got a development deal, and then I got cast on news radio.

03:02:37.000 Next thing you know.

03:02:39.000 It's so crazy.

03:02:40.000 I'd gone on two auditions ever.

03:02:42.000 One was for the Hardball Show, one was for News Radio.

03:02:45.000 Crazy!

03:02:45.000 It was the only two auditions I'd ever been on for sitcoms.

03:02:48.000 Crazy!

03:02:49.000 It was bizarre.

03:02:50.000 Yeah.

03:02:51.000 Was it at least, I mean, you were working with what, Andy Dick was on that show?

03:02:54.000 Yeah.

03:02:55.000 Candy Alexander, Steven Root, Dave Foley, Maura Tierney, Phil Hartman.

03:03:01.000 Yeah.

03:03:02.000 That was awesome.

03:03:02.000 The cast was amazing.

03:03:04.000 Yeah.

03:03:05.000 In terms of sitcoms, it was like best case scenario for a sitcom.

03:03:12.000 Yeah.

03:03:13.000 In terms of the writing, in terms of the situation where you're...

03:03:18.000 I mean, I was on there with Phil fucking Hartman.

03:03:20.000 I was like 26 years old, 27 maybe, and I'm working with Phil Hartman.

03:03:25.000 I'm like, I can't believe I'm next to this guy.

03:03:27.000 Like, I'm seeing you on TV and movies and all of a sudden we're in the same room and we're doing a scene together.

03:03:32.000 And then become his friend.

03:03:33.000 It was so strange.

03:03:36.000 That is surreal.

03:03:37.000 It was so surreal.

03:03:38.000 For someone with zero intent on ever acting, then all of a sudden I'm acting.

03:03:45.000 I'm like, okay, I guess I'm acting.

03:03:48.000 That was part of it, though, was one of the reasons why I was successful at auditions and stuff like that, because I've never planned on being an actor.

03:03:56.000 Yeah, you didn't care so much.

03:03:59.000 It wasn't my world.

03:04:00.000 It wasn't everything to me.

03:04:01.000 It was like, well, this would be cool.

03:04:03.000 I'm going to make some money here.

03:04:04.000 That was the whole thing.

03:04:06.000 I didn't want to worry about bills.

03:04:07.000 What, I can make more money doing that?

03:04:08.000 How much can I make?

03:04:10.000 I would literally ask, like, whenever something would come up, how much does this pay?

03:04:14.000 How much can I get if I do this thing?

03:04:16.000 That's all I was thinking of.

03:04:18.000 How funny.

03:04:18.000 Meanwhile, with stand-up, I'm sure you were doing, what, you know, $300 weeks for how many years just to do it?

03:04:27.000 Yeah, but you get worried about money coming in, right?

03:04:31.000 Because if you don't get booked for a couple weeks, you don't have any money.

03:04:34.000 It's like, shit, I didn't save any money.

03:04:35.000 I had like $1,000 in the bank or something.

03:04:37.000 Oh my gosh.

03:04:38.000 So if anything went wrong, I was fucked.

03:04:41.000 So coming out here and doing sitcoms, But the thing about sitcoms is it's really hard in the beginning.

03:04:48.000 Like the early days of news radio were hard.

03:04:51.000 Long ass hours.

03:04:52.000 It was hard trying to figure out the direction of the show.

03:04:56.000 There was a lot of rewrites.

03:04:58.000 There was a lot of work.

03:04:59.000 There was a lot of long days on the set.

03:05:02.000 But then once it got going, like season three, four, five, boy, it was easy.

03:05:07.000 Real easy.

03:05:08.000 Like you'd come in.

03:05:10.000 We'd rehearse for a couple hours, go home.

03:05:12.000 We were down to sometimes three days a week.

03:05:14.000 Yeah.

03:05:15.000 Yeah, one day a week of table read, one day blocking, one day shooting.

03:05:20.000 Bam!

03:05:21.000 Yeah, we did that a few times.

03:05:23.000 Fantastic.

03:05:23.000 Yeah, three, four days.

03:05:25.000 Four days was common.

03:05:27.000 Very rarely would we do five whole days.

03:05:29.000 That's fucking great.

03:05:30.000 And then Fear Factor, what was the work schedule like for that one?

03:05:33.000 Three days a week, but...

03:05:36.000 Constant.

03:05:37.000 We did, you know, one year, 34 episodes, I think.

03:05:42.000 Maybe 36. That's a ton.

03:05:43.000 Oh, we just shitted out.

03:05:45.000 It's like, while America was eating, we were shitting on that plate.

03:05:51.000 Which they should, though, because that show was so clean, right?

03:05:55.000 You find contestants, you set up the game.

03:05:57.000 It was very easy to do initially, but then the second version of it, when it came back in 2011 or something like that, That version was a real problem.

03:06:09.000 Because that version, they were ramping it up.

03:06:11.000 The stunts were way more difficult, way more dangerous.

03:06:15.000 I was freaking out at a couple of them.

03:06:18.000 I was like, this is getting rough.

03:06:19.000 Like bungee jumps off of fucking helicopters in the middle of a canyon.

03:06:24.000 Launching people on these bungee jumps.

03:06:27.000 There was some crazy shit.

03:06:31.000 I think the eating stuff always got to me.

03:06:34.000 People eating the bugs, I was always like, how much money did you win on that show?

03:06:39.000 I can't remember.

03:06:40.000 You could win, well, there was a couple of shows where people won a million dollars.

03:06:44.000 Damn.

03:06:44.000 But even when you win a million dollars, you don't really win a million dollars.

03:06:47.000 You win a million dollars before the government comes in and steals everything.

03:06:52.000 Right.

03:06:52.000 Yeah.

03:06:53.000 Plus, is there something for winning it on a game show?

03:06:56.000 Like, do you have some more taken out because it's a winning or something?

03:06:59.000 I don't know.

03:07:00.000 It's a lot.

03:07:01.000 Like, if someone won $50,000, which was a normal week, they would really take home $34,000.

03:07:07.000 Damn.

03:07:08.000 The government doesn't eat any animal dicks, they don't jump off any buildings, and they just steal $16,000 from you.

03:07:15.000 I remember the animal dicks now.

03:07:17.000 That was my favorite.

03:07:19.000 We did that in Griffith Park.

03:07:21.000 Eating animal dicks in the park, dude.

03:07:24.000 Served up some animal dicks.

03:07:26.000 It's fucking crazy.

03:07:28.000 What a crazy show.

03:07:29.000 Thinking back, the liability on that fucking thing?

03:07:32.000 What's really crazy is it all happened post-September 11, like right afterwards.

03:07:36.000 That's when it aired.

03:07:37.000 And it was a preposterous show, like from the jump, and I always thought it was going to be canceled.

03:07:43.000 And it was a giant hit.

03:07:45.000 It was a giant hit.

03:07:47.000 Huge show.

03:07:47.000 Immediately, it was a hit.

03:07:50.000 I was like, this is so stupid.

03:07:51.000 This show is so stupid.

03:07:54.000 But it was awesome.

03:07:56.000 I got the gig was because I made fun of it.

03:07:59.000 Everybody else was trying to be spooky.

03:08:02.000 They're like, fear is fear a factor for you.

03:08:05.000 And I came into this meeting.

03:08:07.000 I was high as fuck.

03:08:08.000 I came into this meeting and they were telling me what they wanted to do.

03:08:11.000 One of the casting directors, Jeff from NBC, hooked up the meeting.

03:08:16.000 He thought I would be a good fit for it because I had just been on NBC for news radio.

03:08:21.000 And I came into this meeting and I was like, what are you going to do?

03:08:24.000 I'm like, you're going to stick dogs on people.

03:08:26.000 I'm like, this is like a...

03:08:28.000 I'm like, this is like a bit in an act.

03:08:30.000 This is like a bit of where it goes terribly wrong.

03:08:34.000 You're going to make people eat animal dicks.

03:08:36.000 You're going to sick dogs on people.

03:08:38.000 You're going to throw people off buildings.

03:08:40.000 I'm like, this is like the running man.

03:08:42.000 It's idiocracy.

03:08:43.000 It was before idiocracy was even a movie.

03:08:47.000 I was like, this is...

03:08:49.000 This is the most insane idea for a television show I've ever heard.

03:08:53.000 This is going to be cancelled immediately, and I'm going to have all this material about...

03:08:56.000 Remember when I used to host Fear Factor?

03:08:58.000 Meanwhile, 160 fucking episodes later, we did 148 episodes, and then we did another...

03:09:06.000 I think we did six, or seven, but only six aired, because one of them was the one when they had a drink come.

03:09:15.000 No shit!

03:09:16.000 What are you talking about?

03:09:17.000 A jug of cum.

03:09:19.000 Who made it?

03:09:20.000 A donkey.

03:09:21.000 From Joe Rogan.

03:09:22.000 Yeah, my own cum.

03:09:23.000 Took me a year to fill up everyone's stein.

03:09:26.000 Are you fucking kidding me?

03:09:28.000 Donkey cum.

03:09:29.000 They put a cattle prod up a donkey's asshole.

03:09:33.000 And they would cum like...

03:09:34.000 They'd zap them.

03:09:36.000 Zap them in the old testes and they'd just shoot buckets.

03:09:40.000 Yeah, and they played horseshoes.

03:09:42.000 So they played horseshoes, and you could never win.

03:09:44.000 Even if you made, like, a ringer, and you, like, made the...

03:09:47.000 You would have to drink one ounce.

03:09:49.000 Ugh!

03:09:50.000 But if you fucked up, you were drinking like 10, 11, 12 ounces.

03:09:54.000 These are jugs.

03:09:56.000 Jugs of cum.

03:09:57.000 Yeah.

03:09:59.000 So what happened was...

03:10:00.000 Oh, I remember.

03:10:01.000 I remember this.

03:10:02.000 What happened was the TMZ folks got a hold of the pictures of these people drinking cum early, and then it became this giant fear that people were like, what?

03:10:16.000 There's no way this is real.

03:10:18.000 This is a joke, right?

03:10:19.000 No, it turns out they really did make them drink cum.

03:10:23.000 Look at you!

03:10:24.000 They chugged down.

03:10:26.000 Yeah, I encourage those girls.

03:10:28.000 One of them had a drink piss, the other one had a drink cum.

03:10:32.000 This was a real TV show.

03:10:34.000 It was insane.

03:10:35.000 Look at these guys are drinking cum.

03:10:36.000 Look how much cum they're drinking!

03:10:37.000 A jug, oh cum.

03:10:39.000 It's like a stone, like you said.

03:10:40.000 Yeah, and he just choked it down.

03:10:42.000 His brother is right next to him, his twin brother, helping him choke down cum.

03:10:45.000 How much money?

03:10:46.000 Not enough.

03:10:47.000 34 grand?

03:10:48.000 Whatever they win, it's not enough.

03:10:49.000 Negative, negative.

03:10:49.000 Even if they won a billion dollars.

03:10:51.000 Even if Warren Buffett sucks their dick.

03:10:53.000 And then immediately you get to throw up, and these poor girls are jumping in.

03:10:56.000 Here's what's interesting.

03:10:57.000 Girls chose the cum over the urine.

03:11:00.000 Well, duh.

03:11:01.000 I mean, yeah, we're cum drinkers.

03:11:03.000 You learn to do this shit when you're 15, man.

03:11:06.000 She's been training her whole life for this moment.

03:11:09.000 So hard.

03:11:11.000 So hard to imagine that that was a real show.

03:11:14.000 I know.

03:11:14.000 Looking back now?

03:11:15.000 Yeah.

03:11:16.000 But at the time, everybody watched this.

03:11:18.000 It was normal.

03:11:19.000 Well, this was the one that killed it.

03:11:21.000 Yeah, I don't...

03:11:22.000 That episode killed it.

03:11:23.000 Damn.

03:11:23.000 And now Ludacris took it over.

03:11:25.000 Lud...

03:11:26.000 Damn, homie.

03:11:27.000 But Ludacris is doing like a...

03:11:28.000 Like, whoa, whoa.

03:11:30.000 Is it Fear Factory?

03:11:31.000 If you leave your house without your phone?

03:11:33.000 Like...

03:11:34.000 Right.

03:11:34.000 Like, what do they do?

03:11:35.000 They don't do anything.

03:11:36.000 Yeah, right.

03:11:37.000 There's nothing scary.

03:11:37.000 Is it still on?

03:11:38.000 What?

03:11:40.000 Are they doing season two now?

03:11:42.000 There's definitely no Donkey Kong.

03:11:43.000 I figured something would be uploaded recently.

03:11:45.000 Maybe it was a hit.

03:11:46.000 Maybe I don't know.

03:11:48.000 Ludacris.

03:11:54.000 They came to me, though, before this.

03:11:55.000 I'm like, bitch, there's not enough money.

03:11:57.000 You don't have enough money.

03:11:59.000 You would never host it again.

03:12:01.000 Really?

03:12:01.000 It's over.

03:12:02.000 It's over.

03:12:03.000 I did it.

03:12:04.000 Yeah, you've done that shit.

03:12:05.000 I'm so not interested.

03:12:07.000 But I'm glad I did do it.

03:12:09.000 It was great for the time.

03:12:11.000 I mean, that was a huge thing.

03:12:13.000 But it was good because it was money.

03:12:16.000 That's what it was good for.

03:12:17.000 It was good because I didn't have to worry about money.

03:12:19.000 And then when you don't have to worry about money, you don't worry about your choices comedically.

03:12:24.000 I didn't worry like, oh, if I say something, then they're going to cancel me or fire me from the show and then I can't do it anymore.

03:12:31.000 Yeah.

03:12:32.000 Didn't that wasn't that wasn't my concern at all.

03:12:35.000 My concern was like, okay now I have enough money So I don't have to worry about not having money and I already make money doing stand-up.

03:12:41.000 So now I put some money away.

03:12:43.000 So Now you're free.

03:12:45.000 Now I can do whatever.

03:12:46.000 Yeah, you're free to create whatever the fuck you want.

03:12:48.000 Just just free to do stand-up and free to do it however I want and with no worries about tonight show sets or any of that fucking nonsense and Yeah, so wait, so that when you were doing, excuse me, Fear Factor, was there a thing where you couldn't kind of do your stand-up the way you wanted to?

03:13:05.000 Oh, yeah.

03:13:06.000 Before that, yeah, and there was some concern with, they had talked to me once about drugs.

03:13:12.000 I talked too much about drugs.

03:13:15.000 Like, one of the producers pulled me aside and was like, you know, you're doing these interviews, you're talking about, like, these are illegal drugs.

03:13:21.000 I go, yeah, you should do them.

03:13:23.000 You should do DMT. It's good for you.

03:13:25.000 Right.

03:13:25.000 And a lot of people do.

03:13:26.000 Yeah.

03:13:27.000 There are also sacraments that have existed throughout history.

03:13:30.000 Right.

03:13:30.000 That people have been using religious ceremonies to become one with the creator.

03:13:34.000 Right.

03:13:34.000 Stop.

03:13:34.000 You want to fire me?

03:13:35.000 Go ahead, fire me.

03:13:36.000 Go call Mario Lopez.

03:13:38.000 He's ready.

03:13:39.000 What a career that guy's had on that stuff, huh?

03:13:42.000 There you go.

03:13:42.000 Yeah, he's great at it, though.

03:13:44.000 How about Adam Carolla?

03:13:44.000 He could have taken over Fear Factor.

03:13:46.000 Yeah, actually.

03:13:46.000 We'd have no problems.

03:13:47.000 Yeah, he would have liked that.

03:13:49.000 Yeah.

03:13:49.000 But now look at your, to quote Adam Carolla, your pirate ship, right?

03:13:55.000 Adam Carolla calls it a pirate ship?

03:13:57.000 Doesn't he call that podcasting?

03:13:59.000 Is that what he calls it?

03:14:00.000 His podcast?

03:14:00.000 A pirate ship?

03:14:01.000 He's a pirate ship.

03:14:02.000 You're out in the middle of nowhere doing your thing.

03:14:04.000 You got your signal.

03:14:05.000 Oh, yeah.

03:14:06.000 No one's regulating this shit.

03:14:07.000 Oh, because it's like pirate radio?

03:14:08.000 Yeah.

03:14:09.000 Well, he was one of the first ones to do it.

03:14:10.000 I mean, I remember doing his show thinking, wow, this guy's got a setup.

03:14:15.000 He had this place and he had like a booth and there was guys working behind the booth and, you know, you had a real ad copy and a desk.

03:14:23.000 I was like, this looks so professional.

03:14:25.000 Yeah.

03:14:26.000 Yeah.

03:14:26.000 And he would do like ad reads just like a radio show.

03:14:30.000 Wow.

03:14:30.000 But then that's how Tom and I would look at you and be like, fuck, did you see Joe's setup?

03:14:35.000 This guy's got like cameras and he's got like a producer and we gotta fucking do all that, man.

03:14:41.000 But you guys have that now.

03:14:42.000 Ergonomic chairs and shit.

03:14:43.000 You gotta get some ergonomic chairs.

03:14:45.000 We have these, dude.

03:14:46.000 You got those?

03:14:46.000 Of course.

03:14:47.000 The Capisco's?

03:14:49.000 Yeah.

03:14:49.000 What's the company, Fully, that sent it to us?

03:14:51.000 I think it's called Fully.

03:14:52.000 These are the best ergonomic chairs by far.

03:14:55.000 I've tried every one of them.

03:14:56.000 This Capisco, these things are the shit.

03:14:58.000 They're so good.

03:14:59.000 They never hurt your back.

03:15:01.000 When you sit in them, there's something about the way they designed it where your posture is just...

03:15:06.000 Posture's good.

03:15:07.000 Looks better when you're on camera because you're not hunched over.

03:15:10.000 Yeah, you're not like slumped.

03:15:11.000 Yeah.

03:15:12.000 You can't slump in these things.

03:15:14.000 Yeah.

03:15:15.000 They figured it out.

03:15:16.000 I did, dude.

03:15:17.000 Fucking nailed it, right, Jamie?

03:15:18.000 Nailed it, bro.

03:15:19.000 Nailed it.

03:15:20.000 So, your Netflix special.

03:15:22.000 Yes, sir.

03:15:22.000 We should probably talk about that before we end this.

03:15:24.000 Oh, yeah.

03:15:24.000 Because that's what we're here for.

03:15:25.000 I forgot about that.

03:15:26.000 You got your second Netflix special.

03:15:28.000 Yeah, I did a half hour because I was building my first hour's Mother Inferior.

03:15:33.000 It's on the service now.

03:15:34.000 You can see that on Netflix.

03:15:35.000 And I was building my second hour and I was talking about Me Too all the time.

03:15:39.000 And I found myself just obsessed with talking shit about all these motherfuckers who are getting, you know, whatever, pulled left and right for me too.

03:15:48.000 So I'm like, by the time my next hour comes out, it's all going to be irrelevant.

03:15:52.000 I just want to put it out there now.

03:15:53.000 So they offered me a half hour and I was five months pregnant or something like that.

03:15:56.000 So you only have a couple months to throw something together.

03:15:59.000 Right.

03:16:00.000 And that's it, man.

03:16:00.000 I went to Vegas, pregnant as fuck.

03:16:03.000 It was like 120 degrees, Joey Diaz.

03:16:06.000 Wow.

03:16:07.000 And me in the desert with these crazy fucks.

03:16:10.000 And Fremont.

03:16:12.000 A lot of women are doing specials pregnant.

03:16:14.000 Yeah, it was so stupid.

03:16:15.000 Natasha.

03:16:17.000 Yeah, yeah.

03:16:17.000 Allie Wong.

03:16:18.000 Yeah.

03:16:18.000 Yeah, I know.

03:16:19.000 I throw out a joke to Allie in the beginning.

03:16:21.000 Do you?

03:16:22.000 Yeah.

03:16:22.000 She's kind of the OG of all that shit.

03:16:24.000 OG of pregnant stand-up.

03:16:25.000 She is, too.

03:16:26.000 Well, really, she is the OG of pregnant stand-up.

03:16:28.000 Because if you think about it, before that, nobody ever did a special where they were pregnant.

03:16:32.000 And now a bunch of chicks are doing it.

03:16:34.000 Well, yeah.

03:16:35.000 And I think what happened was we are all of the age where we're more established in our careers.

03:16:39.000 And it's a time where it's last call for all of us older bitches to have babies.

03:16:43.000 You know what I mean?

03:16:44.000 Like, now's the time.

03:16:45.000 Yeah.

03:16:46.000 So, yeah, it's all kind of the timing of it.

03:16:48.000 But it's also like there's something cool about filming it while you're actually pregnant.

03:16:53.000 Yeah.

03:16:54.000 Well, right, because the assumption is you should be laying at home eating bonbons.

03:16:59.000 My second pregnancy, I did Pilates up until about two weeks before I delivered, and I was eating well and really doing it right the second time because I fucked up my first pregnancy.

03:17:09.000 I was eating Carl's Jr. twice a week.

03:17:11.000 Getting those extra onion rings.

03:17:14.000 Eating in the parking lot and shit.

03:17:15.000 I gained like, oh my god, I gained like 60 pounds.

03:17:18.000 60?

03:17:18.000 Yeah, it was bad.

03:17:19.000 I was real fucked up after that one.

03:17:22.000 How long does it take you to lose that weight?

03:17:24.000 A year.

03:17:24.000 It took me a year.

03:17:25.000 Because I didn't know how to lose weight and I didn't know how to exercise until I found this woman I'm with now, my trainer.

03:17:31.000 Oh, that's cool.

03:17:31.000 So she helps me, yeah.

03:17:32.000 Put me on the primal diet.

03:17:34.000 But anyway, yeah, so I talk a lot of shit about the Me Too.

03:17:36.000 I wanted to just get it out there.

03:17:38.000 And it's on Netflix now.

03:17:40.000 I'm number six after Mr. Joey Diaz.

03:17:42.000 Okay!

03:17:45.000 I'm just putting...

03:17:46.000 Yeah, number six.

03:17:47.000 That's cool, though, that you've got two out right now, too.

03:17:50.000 Oh, it's so fun.

03:17:50.000 That's nice.

03:17:51.000 It's so special.

03:17:52.000 It's such a good time for stand-up.

03:17:55.000 It's such a golden age, and I'm so excited to be where I am in my career, to ride this wave, to be at the comedy store now amongst legends, amongst you and Burr and my husband and all these great people.

03:18:08.000 It's fucking great.

03:18:08.000 Well, it's very rare that a comedy couple...

03:18:11.000 Has two people that are really good.

03:18:13.000 Right.

03:18:14.000 You guys are one of the very few.

03:18:16.000 It's usually one that stands out and one that's like, what is she going to do when he divorces her?

03:18:23.000 When we talk about that Tom's second wife, what's she going to be like?

03:18:27.000 Yeah, what is she going to be like?

03:18:28.000 She's going to be a Dalmatian wife.

03:18:29.000 She's going to be a Hooters bitchess.

03:18:31.000 She's going to be fucking 20 years old, not a lot of ideas, not very mouthy, not like me.

03:18:36.000 No, keep it shut.

03:18:38.000 Just carry his water.

03:18:39.000 Yeah, dude, she's fit, looks good.

03:18:41.000 Give him back rubs.

03:18:42.000 Take him to the gym.

03:18:43.000 She's going to be a trainer.

03:18:44.000 Of course she's going to be a trainer, dude.

03:18:46.000 Hard body, just cuter than me.

03:18:48.000 Right, right, right.

03:18:51.000 But no bullshit, you are one of my favorite comedians.

03:18:54.000 Oh, stop it!

03:18:56.000 I don't say that because I look up to you.

03:18:57.000 No, you really are.

03:18:58.000 You're really good.

03:19:00.000 You're so sweet.

03:19:00.000 You're really good.

03:19:01.000 And it's very odd that two really good people are not just married, but actually get along together.

03:19:09.000 And are both really funny and work together on a hilarious podcast.

03:19:12.000 I mean, you guys have a very unusual relationship.

03:19:15.000 I know.

03:19:16.000 The thought was, never date a comedian.

03:19:18.000 Like, that's what every comedian always said.

03:19:20.000 Don't ever date a comedian.

03:19:22.000 I know.

03:19:22.000 It just doesn't ever work out.

03:19:25.000 I know.

03:19:26.000 But with you guys at work, like, Moshe and Natasha, that seems to work, too.

03:19:29.000 Yes.

03:19:30.000 Yeah.

03:19:30.000 I think, but I can't speak for them.

03:19:32.000 I don't know them well or not.

03:19:33.000 It's probably because Moshe's a little bitch and Natasha just runs things.

03:19:35.000 Right?

03:19:36.000 If you had a guess.

03:19:37.000 Yeah!

03:19:39.000 Just kidding.

03:19:40.000 I love both of them.

03:19:40.000 I ain't saying shit!

03:19:42.000 I love both of them.

03:19:43.000 I don't know them.

03:19:43.000 I can't say.

03:19:44.000 I don't know.

03:19:45.000 But they seem sweet.

03:19:46.000 They're great.

03:19:46.000 I'm just kidding.

03:19:47.000 I'll tell you what though.

03:19:48.000 Moshe's a smart motherfucker.

03:19:50.000 They both are brilliant.

03:19:51.000 Yeah.

03:19:51.000 They're brilliant.

03:19:52.000 I think my husband is one of the funniest human beings on the planet.

03:19:57.000 And was always supportive.

03:19:59.000 And we started at the same time.

03:20:01.000 And there was something in being an open-miker.

03:20:03.000 We were in the trenches together from day one.

03:20:06.000 And we never did that shit where I opened for my husband.

03:20:09.000 Because that's also a trap for women, for female comics.

03:20:12.000 Because then you're just your husband's opener.

03:20:13.000 You never establish your own thing.

03:20:15.000 That can happen, yeah.

03:20:16.000 That's happened for people that we know.

03:20:18.000 But the people that we know when it happens for, the opening act's always terrible.

03:20:21.000 The wife that always opens for the...

03:20:23.000 See, that's the difference between...

03:20:24.000 Well, it's you guys...

03:20:26.000 It works.

03:20:27.000 Like I said, Moshe and Natasha, those two are very funny.

03:20:30.000 They're both really smart.

03:20:31.000 That works.

03:20:32.000 Rich Voss and Bonnie McFarlane, those two are really funny.

03:20:36.000 That works.

03:20:37.000 And then who else?

03:20:40.000 I don't know.

03:20:41.000 That's it.

03:20:42.000 I think that's it.

03:20:43.000 That's it.

03:20:43.000 Very rare, yeah.

03:20:44.000 But I think he's very supportive of me, and this is not politically correct either, but I think that there's a hierarchy.

03:20:54.000 He's way more famous than me, and that's fine, and that's good.

03:21:00.000 That doesn't fuck with you at all?

03:21:02.000 No.

03:21:03.000 Do you ever think about killing him in his sleep?

03:21:04.000 No.

03:21:06.000 He's putting a pillow over his mouth.

03:21:07.000 Funny fuck.

03:21:08.000 It's still your jokes.

03:21:09.000 But I think that can be a problem if the other person has an issue with that.

03:21:14.000 Sure.

03:21:15.000 I'm Mr. Yearwood.

03:21:16.000 Right.

03:21:17.000 That horse shit.

03:21:19.000 Right.

03:21:21.000 Yeah.

03:21:22.000 Right.

03:21:22.000 And I don't know.

03:21:24.000 I've seen other couples where one is more famous and the other one doesn't accept it and that fucks with them for...

03:21:30.000 Yeah.

03:21:31.000 I'm happy where I'm at.

03:21:32.000 Put it that way.

03:21:32.000 That's awesome.

03:21:32.000 All I ever wanted was to sell enough tickets to tell jokes to people who knew who I was when I showed up.

03:21:37.000 And I'm there.

03:21:38.000 And that's all I've ever wanted.

03:21:39.000 It's just not to be doing like the dinner crowd.

03:21:41.000 Quite honestly, that is all anything ever.

03:21:45.000 That's all it ever is.

03:21:46.000 Yeah.

03:21:46.000 It just gets bigger in terms of the numbers.

03:21:48.000 But that's all it ever is.

03:21:50.000 That when you get to that, that's the best.

03:21:52.000 Like if you get to that at a comedy club or you get to that where you're doing a giant ass arena, it kind of feels the same.

03:21:58.000 Really?

03:21:59.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

03:22:01.000 Because you're at fucking arena, which is crazy to have watched you go through...

03:22:06.000 I mean, I don't know.

03:22:08.000 It's weird.

03:22:09.000 You don't get diarrhea?

03:22:10.000 No.

03:22:11.000 No, no, no.

03:22:11.000 The last arena that I did was the biggest one.

03:22:16.000 It used to be the Air Canada Center, now it's called the Scotiabank Arena in Canada.

03:22:20.000 The UFC's there next month.

03:22:22.000 That place is giant.

03:22:23.000 And when I did that one, it was bananas.

03:22:25.000 Like, I'm standing out there looking at all these people like, this is fucking insane.

03:22:28.000 But once the show started rolling, it was like a regular show.

03:22:31.000 Right.

03:22:31.000 You don't look at all of that.

03:22:33.000 It was just fun.

03:22:34.000 It was just fun.

03:22:35.000 But it was fun and so is a club.

03:22:37.000 Yes.

03:22:38.000 Like, if you go to the Funny Bone, you know, that's just as fun.

03:22:41.000 You know, you go to the Columbus Funny Bone.

03:22:43.000 Just as fun.

03:22:44.000 Yeah.

03:22:44.000 Punchline in Sacramento.

03:22:46.000 I agree.

03:22:47.000 Yes, I agree.

03:22:48.000 And there's something...

03:22:48.000 I love clubs.

03:22:49.000 I love small rooms.

03:22:50.000 I will say something, too, about my husband, which is amazing, is that it never gets to him.

03:22:54.000 Like, he never sweats himself.

03:22:57.000 Right.

03:22:57.000 Like, he sold out the fucking Wiltern.

03:23:00.000 This is a year ago.

03:23:01.000 And I got to open for him, which I sold him to.

03:23:03.000 And I was like, Tommy, I grew up in L.A. So selling out the Wiltern to me is, like...

03:23:08.000 You just...

03:23:09.000 You're a band.

03:23:10.000 Yeah, dude.

03:23:11.000 Like, I grew up going to shows there.

03:23:13.000 I'm like, Tommy, you sold out the fucking Wiltern.

03:23:15.000 And he literally was like, yeah, it's cool.

03:23:17.000 Anyways, what's for dinner?

03:23:18.000 Like, it doesn't even faze him.

03:23:19.000 Yeah.

03:23:20.000 No, he understands traps.

03:23:22.000 And he doesn't allow his brain to go on any mental traps.

03:23:26.000 Hell no.

03:23:27.000 Whereas, like, Burr Crush would be making a video, I can't believe it!

03:23:29.000 We sold out the Wiltern!

03:23:32.000 This is amazing!

03:23:33.000 This is amazing!

03:23:39.000 What's the trap there, Joe?

03:23:41.000 The ego.

03:23:44.000 The most important thing is being in the state of mind that you could be in to do great comedy.

03:23:49.000 And that is not a congratulatory state of mind.

03:23:52.000 That is the opposite.

03:23:54.000 No.

03:23:54.000 That's so interesting, yeah, because...

03:23:57.000 I sold out Cobbs like a while, right?

03:24:01.000 And I was like, oh my god, I can't believe these people are here to see me now.

03:24:05.000 Like, oh, the pressure, because I'm finally moving the tickets and this and that.

03:24:09.000 And I was like, don't even think like that.

03:24:12.000 Get into your self-loathing, because that's where you're funnier.

03:24:14.000 Right.

03:24:16.000 You know what I mean?

03:24:17.000 Don't think about it.

03:24:18.000 Yeah, get into whatever state of mind that it takes for you to do your art best.

03:24:22.000 That's what you're doing.

03:24:23.000 You want to go out there and rock that crowd.

03:24:25.000 That's it.

03:24:25.000 That's all it is.

03:24:26.000 And whatever you need to do to do that.

03:24:28.000 But you definitely don't need to be self-congratulatory.

03:24:31.000 That's the worst instinct.

03:24:33.000 No, because I've done stand-up for people who didn't give a shit for years and who would sit in the front row with their arms crossed and who the fuck is this bitch telling me what they fuck you, bitch?

03:24:41.000 And like, that's why you do it, right?

03:24:44.000 And also, those moments are fucking critical.

03:24:47.000 You know, like, that's why I feel bad for people that are famous that try stand-up as a famous person.

03:24:51.000 Like, Jesus, that's a hard thing to do.

03:24:54.000 Oh, yeah.

03:24:55.000 Like, I'd watch people do it that, like Charlie Murphy, he, that guy, I mean, I love that guy to death, but one of the things that I respected about him more than anything was that he literally was an open-miker while he was famous.

03:25:07.000 I mean, he was just starting out doing stand-up while he was on The Chappelle Show.

03:25:11.000 He'd been an actor all these years.

03:25:13.000 So for him like he realized like hey, this is a I'll host a show and bring up these comedians and You know I'll tell a story or two because this is how a good way to make some money And then he realized like wow, there's a lot of money on here for me I need to just do some stand-up and started writing stand-up and He and I went on the road when he had been doing stand-up for two years and we co-headlined together It was bananas two years two years and already famous as fuck And famous for being one of the most famous comedians of all

03:25:43.000 time's brother.

03:25:44.000 Which is a huger deficit.

03:25:46.000 Yes!

03:25:47.000 Giant!

03:25:48.000 And he had a joke about it.

03:25:49.000 And he's like, does it bother you that people know you from the Dave Chappelle show?

03:25:56.000 They're always saying that.

03:25:56.000 He goes, no, motherfucker.

03:25:58.000 He goes, for years, does it bother you people yell out, Charlie Murphy!

03:26:02.000 Charlie Murphy!

03:26:03.000 He goes, no, motherfucker, because for years I was just Eddie Murphy's brother.

03:26:06.000 Right!

03:26:07.000 He would joke around about it on stage.

03:26:09.000 That's very self-aware.

03:26:12.000 He was great.

03:26:13.000 He was such a good dude.

03:26:15.000 Yeah.

03:26:16.000 Imagine the courage to start stand-up at that point.

03:26:19.000 Fuck that!

03:26:19.000 It's so much harder.

03:26:21.000 And to go on the road like immediately.

03:26:23.000 I know.

03:26:23.000 He was on the road like immediately.

03:26:25.000 I know.

03:26:26.000 Even like Brendan Schaub, who I love so much, the courage to start stand-up and to grind it out and do it the right way.

03:26:33.000 You're like, dude, that's so good.

03:26:34.000 But at least Brendan came through podcasting, which is a lot of shit talking, like ad-libbing and getting laughs.

03:26:42.000 Getting laughs with comedians.

03:26:43.000 And he had a lot of comedians telling him that he was funny.

03:26:46.000 And then he tried it, just dipped his toe in there, and then just ran with it.

03:26:51.000 Yeah, it's amazing.

03:26:52.000 He's about to do a Showtime special.

03:26:53.000 He's filming a Showtime special in January.

03:26:55.000 Okay, Brandon.

03:26:56.000 Yeah.

03:26:56.000 Okay, Mr. Shaw.

03:26:57.000 Two years in.

03:26:58.000 Bananas.

03:26:59.000 He kills.

03:27:00.000 He fucking kills.

03:27:02.000 People are like, how good is he?

03:27:02.000 I am telling you, that motherfucker works hard.

03:27:05.000 He's funny.

03:27:06.000 He's naturally funny.

03:27:07.000 He's a great guy.

03:27:08.000 And he kills.

03:27:08.000 Yes, he does.

03:27:09.000 He really does.

03:27:10.000 Yes, he does.

03:27:11.000 It's ridiculous.

03:27:12.000 It is ridiculous.

03:27:13.000 I tell a lot of comedians, I go, see, that's what happens when you've got an athlete's mindset.

03:27:18.000 Yes.

03:27:18.000 Like an athlete's determination and discipline, and you apply it to an art form.

03:27:23.000 Like he makes himself work.

03:27:24.000 I go, you fuckers, you just like get high and go to Carnie's and get fucking chili dogs.

03:27:30.000 Right, because I think that's the assumption as a stand-up comedian.

03:27:33.000 People are like, you just lay around and jack your dick all day.

03:27:35.000 You don't do work.

03:27:36.000 You're like, well, those of us that actually want to produce hours that are worth a shit, we treat this as a job, dude.

03:27:42.000 Yeah, I have to.

03:27:43.000 Especially once you start pounding out stuff like Tommy does, where he's doing one, then he does another one two years later, does another one two years later.

03:27:49.000 Burr does that.

03:27:51.000 I do it that way now.

03:27:52.000 I love you guys.

03:27:53.000 That's the only way to do it.

03:27:54.000 And you have to be writing all the fucking time.

03:27:57.000 You have to be performing all the fucking time.

03:27:59.000 There's no other way.

03:28:00.000 I know.

03:28:01.000 I loved watching you work out the Megan...

03:28:03.000 Megan Kelly?

03:28:04.000 That's her name, sorry.

03:28:05.000 Megan.

03:28:06.000 That sounds weird, right?

03:28:07.000 Megan.

03:28:07.000 M-E-G-Y-N. You know, sometimes you see like a word and you're like, is that how a word is?

03:28:11.000 Yes.

03:28:12.000 About?

03:28:13.000 Can I just tell you what...

03:28:14.000 You know El Torito?

03:28:16.000 Mm-hmm.

03:28:16.000 My whole life.

03:28:17.000 I was like, let's go to El Torito.

03:28:18.000 And then one day you're like, oh, fuck.

03:28:20.000 That's like the little bull, dude.

03:28:21.000 That means the little bull.

03:28:23.000 El Torito.

03:28:23.000 Yeah.

03:28:24.000 That's stupid.

03:28:25.000 You know, you're fucking dumb, right?

03:28:26.000 Yeah.

03:28:27.000 But watching you work that stuff out is so exciting.

03:28:30.000 I love your last special because you say so many risky things, which 10 years ago, not that risky in terms of the climate.

03:28:37.000 And now, like, what's he going to do with this shit?

03:28:40.000 You just gotta navigate the waters just more effectively and more carefully and then just set things up better.

03:28:49.000 And your writing has to be better, I think, for me, especially with the subjects that I cover.

03:28:53.000 But I also felt like this was my most controversial special.

03:28:57.000 Absolutely.

03:28:58.000 Well, the title, Strange Times, great.

03:29:00.000 Yeah.

03:29:01.000 I felt like it was the most controversial because I felt like I needed to touch on the things that seemed to be dangerous to touch on.

03:29:09.000 Ari said it best.

03:29:10.000 He's like, stand-up is dangerous again.

03:29:12.000 This is a fun time for stand-up because it's actually dangerous.

03:29:15.000 I agree.

03:29:16.000 That's just why I wanted my Me Too shit to get out there first.

03:29:19.000 I was like, I'm going to do this.

03:29:20.000 I'm not here.

03:29:21.000 I'm not saying the other female comics aren't talking about it.

03:29:24.000 I don't know because I literally go to...

03:29:26.000 I do the early show at the store.

03:29:27.000 I'm home in bed by fucking 9.30, dude, because I got babies.

03:29:30.000 So I don't know what everyone else is doing.

03:29:32.000 I get it.

03:29:33.000 But I want it out there.

03:29:35.000 I have that impulsive need to just fucking walk the line and let's see it.

03:29:40.000 Let's stir some shit up, man.

03:29:41.000 Beautiful.

03:29:42.000 Yeah.

03:29:42.000 Start some shit up.

03:29:43.000 All right.

03:29:44.000 Let's do it.

03:29:44.000 Let's wrap this fucker up.

03:29:46.000 Christina!

03:29:47.000 Thank you for everything.

03:29:48.000 Appreciate you.

03:29:49.000 Thank you for having me.

03:29:49.000 It's always awesome having you on.

03:29:50.000 Tell everybody your Instagram is Christina P. The Christina P. At Christina P. on Twitter.

03:29:57.000 The Degenerates.

03:29:59.000 I'm after Joey Diaz on Netflix.

03:30:01.000 And it's on Netflix.

03:30:02.000 And Mother Inferior.

03:30:03.000 And Mother Inferior on Netflix.

03:30:04.000 And I'm touring.

03:30:04.000 The Ride or Die tour, bros.

03:30:06.000 Ride or Die, bitch.

03:30:06.000 Starts in January.

03:30:08.000 Check it out.

03:30:09.000 That's it.

03:30:11.000 Show's over.

The Joe Rogan Experience - November 06, 2018

Joe Rogan Experience #1195 - Christina P

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