The Joe Rogan Experience - January 24, 2019


Joe Rogan Experience #1231 - Matt Braunger


Episode Stats

Length

2 hours and 18 minutes

Words per Minute

200.1154

Word Count

27,746

Sentence Count

3,203

Misogynist Sentences

81

Hate Speech Sentences

57


Summary

On this week's episode, the boys are joined by coffee expert Peter Giuliano to talk about the history of coffee and how to make cold brew. Plus, a special guest joins the boys to discuss the early days of the coffee industry and how it changed the way we think about it. Guests: Coffee expert Peter Giuliano of Tristero Roasters in Venice, Italy; cold brew expert and coffee aficionado, Matt Kuchta. Thanks to caller Matt for the coffee question, and thanks to all the coffee lovers out there who sent in their thoughts on the topic. Thanks also to our sponsor, Cold Brew Coffee, for making the cold brew and making it on the pod! Thanks, Matt, for being the first person to bring cold brew to the studio and making the first guest to make it to the podcast! We hope you enjoy this episode, and we look forward to hearing from you in the future. Cheers, Cheers! -The boys. Matt and Matt Music: Fair Weather Fans by Zapsplat Art: Jeff Perla Produced and Edited by Matt Knott Cover art by Ian McKirdy Thank you to our Sponsors: and . We'd like to learn more about you. Rate, review, subscribe, and spread the word about this podcast on social media if you enjoyed this podcast. Send us your thoughts/taste of your favorite coffee and/or your thoughts on this podcast, if you're looking for a cup of coffee, and/trying to help us make it even better. Thank you for listening to this podcast/tastrope, more of your coffee, more like that, and more of this, please leave us a review/tasting it out on the podcast, please consider us out there :) in the next episode, please review us in a review or a review on your thoughts about what you think of it/tweet us on your podcast/we're listening to it/listen to our podcast/reviews/puzzing us out/listening out of this/insta/tayday, etc., etc. etc. -Merry Christmas! Thanks for listening, bye! Matt, Matt and Joe, Jake, Rachael, Sarah, and Ben, Jack, etc. <3 -Josie, Ben, JUICY


Transcript

00:00:00.000 Five, four, three, two, one.
00:00:03.000 Boom.
00:00:04.000 Matt, you're the first guy to ever bring homemade cold brew to the studio.
00:00:09.000 I think we should enjoy some of this.
00:00:11.000 Okay, let's have some.
00:00:12.000 Yeah, it's pretty much kerosene, so you want to sip it.
00:00:17.000 Be careful.
00:00:17.000 Yeah, I usually dilute it with a little bit of water.
00:00:20.000 Wow.
00:00:21.000 Yeah, I found out about this guy, this company called Tristero, or it's a guy, and he just roasts all these beans from all over the world and drops them off at this one bicycle cafe.
00:00:31.000 Do you live in Venice or something?
00:00:33.000 No, I live in Los Feliz, close second.
00:00:36.000 Cheers, buddy.
00:00:36.000 Thanks for having me.
00:00:37.000 My pleasure.
00:00:39.000 I had a coffee expert on the podcast before.
00:00:43.000 I don't know anything about coffee, just out on a whim.
00:00:46.000 I had this guy, Peter Giuliano.
00:00:48.000 That's his name?
00:00:48.000 Giuliano or Giuliani?
00:00:52.000 I'm avoiding the word Giuliani, like specifically.
00:00:56.000 I'm sure he is too.
00:00:57.000 Giuliano.
00:00:58.000 Giuliano, yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:01:00.000 But he's like a legit coffee expert.
00:01:02.000 He explained to us that all coffee comes from Ethiopia.
00:01:05.000 Oh, really?
00:01:05.000 Yeah.
00:01:06.000 All of it came out of there.
00:01:08.000 That's like the root of it.
00:01:09.000 That's where it originated it.
00:01:10.000 Oh, okay.
00:01:10.000 And then they started growing it in Latin American countries and all over the other place.
00:01:14.000 Yeah.
00:01:14.000 Colombian, you know, we're always, as a kid, Colombian coffee was like the thing.
00:01:18.000 Like Juan Valdez.
00:01:18.000 Juan Valdez.
00:01:19.000 Yeah.
00:01:19.000 Yeah, he's still...
00:01:20.000 I went to Columbia over the summer, and you still see pictures and drawings of him everywhere.
00:01:25.000 Really?
00:01:25.000 Yeah, because he brought kind of fame to Columbia and differentiated it from the other South American countries.
00:01:32.000 Well, this guy was really...
00:01:34.000 This is actually very good cold brew.
00:01:36.000 Oh, cool.
00:01:36.000 It's very tasty.
00:01:37.000 Nice.
00:01:38.000 Interesting.
00:01:38.000 It's a different flavor.
00:01:39.000 Yeah, I mean, cold brew coffee, you take...
00:01:51.000 I usually don't get that.
00:01:53.000 I'm okay with coffee, but I do like the flavor of this.
00:01:56.000 This is really good.
00:01:56.000 So this is Ethiopian?
00:01:58.000 Yeah.
00:02:00.000 I'm no expert.
00:02:00.000 I just go, what's the best one to make cold brew?
00:02:02.000 And they point at a bag and I buy it.
00:02:04.000 And that's all.
00:02:05.000 Smart.
00:02:06.000 Just defer to experts.
00:02:08.000 That's kind of the key to life, I think.
00:02:10.000 But he was Giuliani Giuliano.
00:02:12.000 Giuliano.
00:02:13.000 Juliano, sorry, Peter.
00:02:14.000 He was explaining to us that the reason why they all have these different complex flavors and how they would take care of the beans, because Ethiopia is a very dry climate, whereas South America is very hot.
00:02:27.000 So they developed all these problems with coffee rust.
00:02:30.000 Have you ever heard of coffee rust?
00:02:31.000 Yeah.
00:02:31.000 Yeah, they developed weird molds and stuff.
00:02:34.000 That's wild.
00:02:34.000 So they had to figure out different ways of processing and wet processing as opposed to just leaving them out and drying them.
00:02:40.000 Oh, wow.
00:02:41.000 Did he talk about the illegality of coffee in its kind of earlier stages when it would go out into different regions and cultures and religious areas?
00:02:48.000 Well, Bourdain actually was the first person to tell me that, that they were outlawing coffee shops and coffee houses back in the day.
00:02:56.000 There's a clip somewhere online of Bourdain explaining to us how coffee shops were being outlawed.
00:03:03.000 Because at the time, everyone basically was drunk all day.
00:03:07.000 Because all they did was drink booze.
00:03:10.000 Because a lot of times if you had water sitting around, that water would probably have some funky shit in it.
00:03:17.000 It was still water, and you'd get sick drinking it.
00:03:19.000 But if water had the alcohol in it, you wouldn't get sick.
00:03:23.000 It's a preservative.
00:03:25.000 Monks would only drink beer.
00:03:27.000 Isn't that crazy?
00:03:28.000 I can't imagine if you've ever had Belgian ales.
00:03:31.000 I have three.
00:03:33.000 I'm just like, okay.
00:03:34.000 Jesus.
00:03:35.000 And you'd think those guys just pacing themselves all day to stay somewhat hydrated.
00:03:39.000 Yeah, I think they just got used to it, but it must have been terrible for their bodies.
00:03:44.000 Yeah, that's what I was thinking.
00:03:44.000 I was just thinking about life expectancy and how now I feel like we're going to see people living well into their hundreds and stuff, and our generation and younger.
00:03:53.000 But back then, you're just like, you're 30?
00:03:55.000 All right, you should make a whale, man.
00:03:57.000 Yeah.
00:03:58.000 Well, it's just, if anything went wrong, you were done.
00:04:01.000 Whereas, I have a lot of friends that had their appendix taken out, or they broke a leg hiking, and they managed to get okay.
00:04:08.000 You know what I mean?
00:04:08.000 But back then, the wolves ate you.
00:04:11.000 They just leave you, so the wolves don't come after the rest of us.
00:04:14.000 You just take one for the team.
00:04:15.000 If your appendix went, you were just possessed by demons.
00:04:18.000 No one knows what the fuck happened.
00:04:20.000 Yeah, you just struck dumb and just fall down.
00:04:22.000 Just rotted out from the inside and no one knew why.
00:04:25.000 And the amount of...
00:04:26.000 I read this statistic that something like 80% of medieval land battles were fought drunk or something.
00:04:34.000 Yeah.
00:04:34.000 Some insane ratio.
00:04:36.000 Of course.
00:04:37.000 It would have to be.
00:04:38.000 Yeah.
00:04:39.000 I would have to shotgun a bottle of Jack to pick up a battle axe and just run into a crowd of guys and just start swinging away.
00:04:45.000 Well, the Vikings were famous for waging war while they were on mushrooms.
00:04:51.000 They would eat psilocybin mushrooms and just fucking go banana.
00:04:54.000 Maybe Amanita muscaria, too, I think was the other mushroom that they ate.
00:04:58.000 And they would just go fucking crazy with axes.
00:05:01.000 Who knows what they were seeing?
00:05:02.000 Well, it's the legend of the berserker, where we have the term berserk.
00:05:06.000 You're obviously familiar.
00:05:07.000 You're a warrior philosopher, so you know what that is.
00:05:10.000 But yeah, that's probably what you just go into a trance, and you're just killing everything in sight, and you're basically like an insect on cocaine that's just chopping everything down around you.
00:05:19.000 Yeah, you remember when we were talking about that new Viking show that's on Netflix?
00:05:23.000 We missed it.
00:05:24.000 It wasn't the comedy one.
00:05:26.000 There's another one.
00:05:27.000 There's another one that's a serious Viking show on Netflix that's supposed to be like the show Vikings, but way better, which I kind of like, the show Vikings.
00:05:36.000 Yeah, it was good.
00:05:36.000 It was good.
00:05:38.000 It's funny, though, how you don't image...
00:05:41.000 The Last Kingdom.
00:05:42.000 That's it.
00:05:42.000 The Last Kingdom.
00:05:42.000 I heard that's amazing.
00:05:44.000 That's it.
00:05:44.000 Where I'm so, you know, we focus on one thing, where it's like, you watch Vikings, you're like, where are the hats?
00:05:51.000 Where are the helmets with the horns?
00:05:52.000 Yeah, what the fuck?
00:05:53.000 Where are the helmets with the horns?
00:05:53.000 It's with all these braids everyone has.
00:05:55.000 These are normal people.
00:05:57.000 Head tattoos.
00:05:57.000 They should all be monsters.
00:05:59.000 But it's like, Vikings were all sizes.
00:06:01.000 Right.
00:06:02.000 Well, they were all big.
00:06:03.000 The problem is, there's not that many giant actors, unless you want to recruit football players.
00:06:09.000 It's so true.
00:06:10.000 You know?
00:06:10.000 Yeah.
00:06:11.000 Yeah.
00:06:11.000 But if you go to Holland or something like that, one of the things you walk around, you go, God damn, everyone's big.
00:06:15.000 That's a good point.
00:06:16.000 Yeah.
00:06:17.000 In Norway and Norwegian countries, they're very tall.
00:06:21.000 The median height is like six feet, which is insane.
00:06:24.000 Well, Iceland has a disproportionate number of strong men competition winners.
00:06:29.000 Those guys who win the strongest man in the world.
00:06:32.000 You know those dudes who throw barrels over the top?
00:06:34.000 Of course.
00:06:34.000 Oh, I love it.
00:06:35.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:06:35.000 Those guys, a lot of those guys come from Iceland.
00:06:38.000 Well, the guy who plays the mountain.
00:06:39.000 Yes.
00:06:40.000 Who took the strongest man in the world title.
00:06:43.000 Yeah, he's from Iceland.
00:06:44.000 He for sure is.
00:06:45.000 He's fucking huge.
00:06:48.000 Like, if you saw that guy coming over a hill on a horse, slinging a sword, you'd be like, oh, fuck, this is the day.
00:06:54.000 Yeah.
00:06:54.000 This is the day we stop existing.
00:06:56.000 Yeah.
00:06:57.000 We're done.
00:06:57.000 This is the day my clan gets wiped out.
00:06:59.000 Or that thing where to save lives, they'd be like, our champion fights your champion, and then that person wins, and then that guy comes out, and you're like, ah.
00:07:08.000 Yeah, fuck.
00:07:09.000 I was so good back in the knife gym that we train in, but this guy...
00:07:14.000 Well, that was the saddest part about Game of Thrones, the cocky bisexual guy.
00:07:19.000 He was winning!
00:07:20.000 The Red Viper.
00:07:21.000 He was ahead!
00:07:22.000 Dude, I was broken up with my now wife and was just back from a weekend on the road and was...
00:07:30.000 I think?
00:07:49.000 He's screaming about how he raped his sister, and he's crushing his head, and I'm just like, oh, man!
00:07:54.000 The way he did it, too.
00:07:55.000 He just grabbed his head, and it killed him like you would kill a chipmunk or something.
00:07:59.000 It's like the worst death I've probably seen on screen, and I've seen a lot of bad, horrible screaming deaths.
00:08:06.000 It was worse than the guy in Saving Private Ryan, where he's like, wait, wait, wait, no, no, and the guy's just stacking the knife in.
00:08:12.000 There it is right here.
00:08:13.000 Oh, God!
00:08:16.000 Brutal.
00:08:17.000 Yeah, it's also...
00:08:19.000 Looks possible.
00:08:20.000 Yeah, well, I think it's It's something you write in a fantasy novel.
00:08:26.000 Like, I don't know how someone could have hands that strong.
00:08:28.000 Oh, he has hands that strong.
00:08:30.000 Yeah, you're right.
00:08:30.000 What am I saying?
00:08:30.000 He's the strongest man in the world.
00:08:31.000 If anyone has hands that strong, it's him.
00:08:33.000 Yeah, I mean, he's going through the eyeballs.
00:08:35.000 He could pop a head.
00:08:36.000 For sure, eyeballs first.
00:08:38.000 It's a grip.
00:08:38.000 Grab your head.
00:08:38.000 Yeah.
00:08:39.000 Like, don't you think you could do that to a baby?
00:08:41.000 Oh, what a thought.
00:08:42.000 I mean, you couldn't, but you could physically.
00:08:45.000 Right, yes.
00:08:45.000 Yeah, you could morally and ethically.
00:08:46.000 If a demon took over my body.
00:08:48.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:08:48.000 Sure.
00:08:48.000 Or meth.
00:08:49.000 You're right.
00:08:50.000 Yeah.
00:08:51.000 Wait, what did I say?
00:08:54.000 I was talking to a friend of mine, and she was telling me that her dad had been hospitalized.
00:09:00.000 And while her dad was hospitalized, he was in a care home for older people.
00:09:09.000 And a guy who was schizophrenic freaked out and tried to eat him.
00:09:14.000 Oh, God.
00:09:15.000 While he was there.
00:09:16.000 Yeah, and then he said, fuck this, get me out of here, and he wound up dying at home.
00:09:20.000 He wound up dying at home rather than die in the hospital because a guy tried to eat him.
00:09:24.000 Imagine, like, your last couple days of life are escaping a schizophrenic guy who got out of his room and tried to eat you.
00:09:31.000 This is why I worked so hard all my life and raised a family and now I'm here.
00:09:34.000 I mean, that's already your worst fear is to die away from your loved ones just around strangers, to be back at the first day of high school, basically, but you're old and everyone's old, but then someone's trying to kill you.
00:09:43.000 Yeah, and they eat you.
00:09:45.000 We don't get rid of people like that quick enough.
00:09:48.000 Like, you know, you get rid of bad dogs.
00:09:50.000 Dogs bite people.
00:09:51.000 You put them down.
00:09:52.000 Put them down.
00:09:53.000 Yeah.
00:09:54.000 I got to tell my mother that because she works with this group called The Village, which creates a network in any given neighborhood where if you're young or you're old, you register it and cause anything.
00:10:04.000 And basically, this person can live out their final years in their home because they have a network of neighbors who check on them.
00:10:11.000 Like every couple hours.
00:10:13.000 Or call me.
00:10:13.000 Here's my cell.
00:10:14.000 That's nice.
00:10:15.000 I'm having a chest pain.
00:10:16.000 Okay, cool.
00:10:17.000 Let's just get you to the hospital.
00:10:18.000 Because it's like, I think people deserve to, you know, as long as they're not eating people and killing them, they can die in their homes, you know?
00:10:25.000 Yeah, that's a concern that you really don't ever want to address until it's too late.
00:10:30.000 Yeah.
00:10:31.000 The concern of when and how do I go.
00:10:34.000 Yeah.
00:10:34.000 Yeah.
00:10:35.000 I mean, you have to accept that you're going to go, and some people just have a really hard time with that.
00:10:39.000 Sure.
00:10:40.000 Even deep into their old age, when they're just decrepit and they can't make it anymore, they just can't handle the fact that it's all going to end.
00:10:47.000 No.
00:10:47.000 No.
00:10:48.000 I mean, that's why you have to live your life to the fullest and not bite your tongue and just be yourself.
00:10:54.000 Or I guess.
00:10:55.000 Or just chill the fuck out and wait for the end.
00:10:59.000 Yeah.
00:11:00.000 What do you do?
00:11:00.000 One of the two.
00:11:01.000 I don't know.
00:11:02.000 I mean, what is the life to the fullest, right?
00:11:04.000 Yeah.
00:11:04.000 If it's all temporary.
00:11:06.000 Sure.
00:11:07.000 Absolutely.
00:11:07.000 I mean, there is that point where it's just like, well, is there any point to life?
00:11:11.000 I don't know.
00:11:12.000 I've gone back and forth with Trussell on this, where I'm just like...
00:11:15.000 Duncan?
00:11:16.000 Yeah.
00:11:16.000 Yeah.
00:11:16.000 Duncan will fucking send you down a rabbit's hole with that.
00:11:19.000 Man, I don't know, man.
00:11:20.000 The Bhagavad Gita, they say that...
00:11:23.000 And he'll make some sense out of it, too.
00:11:25.000 He will!
00:11:25.000 He is the cosmic trickster, without a doubt.
00:11:28.000 I remember Bourdain, speaking of Bourdain, he was saying, they were like, how would you like to go?
00:11:32.000 And he was just like, I just want just one bullet in the back of my skull, and I don't see it coming.
00:11:35.000 Yeah, but meanwhile, he did it himself.
00:11:37.000 He did it with a rope.
00:11:39.000 Yeah, it's just...
00:11:40.000 I was friends with him.
00:11:41.000 That fucked me up.
00:11:42.000 It fucked me up.
00:11:43.000 I wasn't.
00:11:43.000 And I was a fan of his since the first article came out in The New Yorker that he wrote.
00:11:48.000 It fucks you up because you just go, I wish he called me.
00:11:51.000 Yeah.
00:11:51.000 I wish I... I mean, I would have flown to France.
00:11:54.000 Mm-hmm.
00:11:54.000 No, I wouldn't have.
00:11:55.000 I would have said, suck it up, pussy.
00:11:57.000 Don't kill yourself in France.
00:11:59.000 Come back to America.
00:12:00.000 You wish he would have checked in.
00:12:02.000 It's all about perspective.
00:12:04.000 There are times where we've all come close to not necessarily putting a gun in our mouths or a rope around our necks, but where you just feel like there's no point.
00:12:10.000 Yeah.
00:12:11.000 You know, but someone can just come in.
00:12:12.000 I say, like, coming up in the crew that I came up with in Chicago, you know, Kinane and Hannibal and people like, we never let each other get away with shit.
00:12:24.000 Or it's just like, yeah, you're saying that.
00:12:25.000 Right.
00:12:26.000 Fuck you.
00:12:26.000 Like, you need those people in your life.
00:12:28.000 I'll never forget, I went through a horrible breakup, and I went, I was in my apartment for like a week, only leaving to wait tables and bartend, and then I finally came to a show, and Kinane's like, hey, look who pushed us out of all the clumps of used Kleenex to be with us.
00:12:40.000 Welcome back, you fucking pussy.
00:12:42.000 And I remember laughing so hard, and it all went away.
00:12:45.000 It all went away.
00:12:46.000 That's great.
00:12:47.000 Because you take yourself so seriously, and you're just never going to get better.
00:12:50.000 Yeah.
00:12:50.000 I mean, I just think about despair as this demon that latches onto your back and it's your job to fuck it up and get it off you.
00:12:58.000 What's your thing?
00:13:01.000 Fight the bitch in you?
00:13:03.000 Conquer your inner bitch.
00:13:03.000 Conquer your inner bitch.
00:13:04.000 Yeah.
00:13:05.000 Your inner bitch is...
00:13:06.000 I usually, when I'm referring to your inner bitch, I mean the inner bitch that doesn't want you to work out.
00:13:10.000 Yes!
00:13:11.000 Well, that's the one I relate to the most, where I feel that every time I'm in a class, every time I'm in something like that.
00:13:18.000 It's just like something, and you're just like, I just want to sandbag it.
00:13:21.000 Let me just sandbag it.
00:13:22.000 Just this time.
00:13:23.000 Well, I mean, everybody has that.
00:13:25.000 I still have it.
00:13:26.000 But I've got that motherfucker on lockdown now.
00:13:29.000 Good.
00:13:29.000 Now I own him.
00:13:31.000 Good.
00:13:31.000 He's in there, though.
00:13:32.000 He's weak.
00:13:33.000 He never goes away.
00:13:34.000 He's always trying to tell you you can take the day off.
00:13:37.000 Maybe your ankle's sore.
00:13:38.000 Maybe you're feeling a little sick.
00:13:40.000 You're a little run down.
00:13:41.000 You should, you know, just take a you day.
00:13:43.000 The dog looks tired.
00:13:44.000 He doesn't even want to run.
00:13:45.000 You know, it's not about you.
00:13:46.000 You should take care of that dog.
00:13:47.000 That dog does not want to run.
00:13:48.000 My dad says something brilliant on the floor.
00:13:51.000 My dad lately, he's always been a guy of no words.
00:13:53.000 You mentioned hospice living and stuff.
00:13:56.000 My dad used to do hospice.
00:13:58.000 And he was like, do I have to talk?
00:14:00.000 And the guy's like, no, they just mostly want someone to listen.
00:14:03.000 He's like, I can do that.
00:14:04.000 And so he would sit by dying people and just nod his head and stuff.
00:14:07.000 But he'd never talk about it where I'd be like, Dad, what are you doing today?
00:14:11.000 He's like, I'm going to go hang out with Bill.
00:14:12.000 Like, Dad, who the fuck is Bill?
00:14:14.000 That's this guy, he's dying.
00:14:15.000 Like, Dad, you gotta tell me more than this.
00:14:17.000 So now we're kind of, he's opening up more, but long story long, he was like, you know when you're waking up in the middle of the night and there's that voice in your head that's telling you you're useless and you haven't done enough with your life and things like that?
00:14:30.000 He's like, I don't know if there is a devil.
00:14:32.000 But if there is, that's him.
00:14:33.000 And I was like, fuck!
00:14:34.000 And it just blew my mind.
00:14:35.000 It's like, Dad, you're right.
00:14:37.000 That voice that tells you to give up, that voice that tells you not to hate yourself and don't think you're worthy.
00:14:45.000 Well, it's such a weird pattern, right?
00:14:47.000 Because it doesn't have any real evolutionary benefit.
00:14:50.000 Yeah!
00:14:51.000 What is the benefit of self-loathing and just sitting around feeling pity?
00:14:57.000 Yeah.
00:14:57.000 Yeah, there are plenty of people and situations that are going to kick the shit out of you in life anyway.
00:15:02.000 Why do it to yourself?
00:15:03.000 Yeah, but there's something good about feeling very disappointed in yourself because then it makes you work harder and recognize or at least try to realize your potential better and you get more done and you feel better about yourself.
00:15:18.000 Yeah.
00:15:18.000 Absolutely.
00:15:19.000 Yeah, there's definitely something there, especially if you're in competitive sports or something like that, where there's nothing you hate more than losing.
00:15:26.000 Right.
00:15:27.000 Because otherwise you won't work as hard.
00:15:29.000 Yeah, but Jamie was talking about Kobe Bryant, about what a psycho he was when he was training.
00:15:33.000 And they always say that about Michael Jordan, and of course Mike Tyson was like that.
00:15:36.000 Yeah.
00:15:37.000 Kobe said he learned it from Michael.
00:15:38.000 That's like what he passed on to.
00:15:40.000 Interesting.
00:15:41.000 And then Kobe passed it on to LeBron.
00:15:42.000 Yeah.
00:15:43.000 I heard LeBron spends $1.5 million a year on recovery.
00:15:48.000 Just recovery.
00:15:50.000 Just recovery.
00:15:51.000 Just like cryotherapy, massage.
00:15:54.000 A million and a half every year.
00:15:56.000 Yeah.
00:15:57.000 What a fucking stud he is.
00:16:00.000 Jesus Christ.
00:16:01.000 That guy's so badass.
00:16:02.000 He's like maximizing everything.
00:16:05.000 He's like a perfect example of someone who's maximizing.
00:16:08.000 Freak genetics, powerful will, intelligence, but then on top of that, maximizing everything.
00:16:14.000 Yeah.
00:16:15.000 Built a school.
00:16:16.000 Has a good sense of humor about himself.
00:16:18.000 Yeah.
00:16:18.000 Decent actor.
00:16:19.000 Yeah.
00:16:19.000 You know?
00:16:20.000 Yeah.
00:16:20.000 He was so funny in...
00:16:22.000 Was it...
00:16:24.000 No, it wasn't Wrecked.
00:16:25.000 The Amy Schumer movie.
00:16:26.000 Trainwreck.
00:16:27.000 Trainwreck.
00:16:27.000 It was.
00:16:28.000 I was half right.
00:16:29.000 Yeah.
00:16:30.000 Did you ever see that HBO show where they're sitting around with him?
00:16:34.000 Barbershop.
00:16:34.000 Yes.
00:16:35.000 He's fucking great in that, and you get that insight.
00:16:38.000 It's like, oh, that's why you're so good.
00:16:40.000 You're fucking crazy.
00:16:41.000 He was talking about his son playing, and he's talking about his mom, and his drive, and he doesn't let anything go.
00:16:50.000 It's fascinating to me.
00:16:51.000 Yeah.
00:16:51.000 People like that that are extreme winners, they're such a rare person.
00:16:56.000 Yeah.
00:16:57.000 And it's rare that you could probably stand to be around them.
00:17:00.000 Yeah, that's the thing.
00:17:01.000 Especially like your tech billionaires or stuff like that.
00:17:05.000 It's like after a while you'd be like, you know, I'm going to go to the comedy store and we're going to break each other's balls for a while because this is weird, man.
00:17:14.000 Right, like Steve Jobs, known by everyone as an extreme cunt.
00:17:19.000 He was just a cunt.
00:17:21.000 There's no way around it.
00:17:22.000 Yeah, brutal.
00:17:23.000 Do you remember that video?
00:17:24.000 There's a video.
00:17:25.000 He's demonstrating an Apple product, and he can't get this camera to work, and he's pressing on these buttons.
00:17:30.000 It doesn't work.
00:17:31.000 And he throws it at the engineer with his, like, pursed lips.
00:17:36.000 And he's like, here, you fix it.
00:17:38.000 See if you can get it to work.
00:17:39.000 He just wants you...
00:17:40.000 Fucking loser!
00:17:42.000 I'm in front of a million people!
00:17:43.000 Yeah, and he can't.
00:17:44.000 He can't lose his mind because it's like that Japanese ethic of the person who loses their temper first loses.
00:17:50.000 Right.
00:17:50.000 No matter who's right or wrong.
00:17:51.000 Well, I'm sure he loses his temper privately.
00:17:53.000 Oh, without a doubt.
00:17:54.000 That guy's...
00:17:55.000 Yeah, there he is.
00:17:55.000 Watch this.
00:17:56.000 It's like he can't get it to work.
00:17:59.000 My camera's not turning on.
00:18:02.000 What's that?
00:18:04.000 I did slide it and let go.
00:18:08.000 Angry.
00:18:09.000 Not turning on.
00:18:10.000 Watch this.
00:18:10.000 Look at that.
00:18:13.000 Okay.
00:18:15.000 But he's like this.
00:18:16.000 Yeah.
00:18:16.000 Fucking.
00:18:17.000 You fucking turn it on.
00:18:18.000 He's this close to the Roman Emperor.
00:18:20.000 It's just like, seize him!
00:18:22.000 Kill him!
00:18:23.000 Kill him!
00:18:23.000 Throw him in the boiling pit!
00:18:25.000 You gotta think Jeff Bezos is like that too, right?
00:18:27.000 Yeah.
00:18:28.000 Has to be.
00:18:29.000 Has to be.
00:18:30.000 And...
00:18:31.000 Just to be the richest man in all of the world.
00:18:34.000 It's not real.
00:18:34.000 He's not really the richest man in all the world.
00:18:36.000 He's the richest man who has a publicly declared income.
00:18:39.000 Ah.
00:18:40.000 There's a big difference between him and oligarchs.
00:18:42.000 Really good point.
00:18:42.000 Yeah.
00:18:42.000 Yeah, the oligarchs, probably drug cartel.
00:18:45.000 100%.
00:18:45.000 Well, not drug cartels.
00:18:46.000 I don't think they have that kind of money, but I think for sure Saudi Arabians, princes, and Middle Eastern.
00:18:53.000 Declared income.
00:18:53.000 You're right.
00:18:54.000 They have trillions.
00:18:55.000 Yeah.
00:18:56.000 Yeah.
00:18:56.000 Jesus Christ.
00:18:58.000 Yeah.
00:18:59.000 Yeah, that's different.
00:19:00.000 People don't talk about that, and those guys don't talk about that either.
00:19:03.000 They let Bill Gates take the rap.
00:19:06.000 Meanwhile, they own whole countries.
00:19:08.000 It's almost like how people that I went to college with, their family, they came from money.
00:19:16.000 They never showed it.
00:19:17.000 Oh, of course.
00:19:17.000 They always wore bummy clothes.
00:19:20.000 But someone who was acting like they had money to have a Dunhill lighter or something, a Rolex or something fancy.
00:19:26.000 But that's those countries.
00:19:29.000 The kid with the scuffed up gym shoes that you're like, man, I know Michael Milken's your dad, dude.
00:19:35.000 I know he's your dad.
00:19:36.000 I was going to play with this kid.
00:19:38.000 Oh, really?
00:19:39.000 Yeah, I think he was kind of like...
00:19:41.000 It's got to be unnerving for him.
00:19:43.000 Yeah, he was a good guy.
00:19:44.000 I don't know how much contact he had with his dad, but it was just like...
00:19:47.000 Your dad's the junk bond king.
00:19:48.000 Right.
00:19:49.000 Now is your dad the junk bond?
00:19:50.000 Your dad, the whole reason why you're getting by so smoothly and the walls are so greased for you in this life is your dad was a human scumbag.
00:19:59.000 Yeah.
00:19:59.000 Full on, with wealth, there's always a displacement.
00:20:02.000 Someone's rich because other people are poor on some level, but that was the most direct correlation.
00:20:07.000 But is that always the case?
00:20:08.000 Like, how about this?
00:20:09.000 Like, Beyonce.
00:20:10.000 Is Beyonce really...
00:20:11.000 Is Beyonce rich because someone's poor, or is Beyonce rich because she's talented and she worked hard?
00:20:15.000 No, listen, don't get me wrong.
00:20:16.000 I don't think it's across the board like that, but I just think in terms of- In a lot of ways.
00:20:20.000 In a lot of ways, yeah.
00:20:21.000 No way, not every time.
00:20:23.000 Right, but people love to say that.
00:20:24.000 Yeah, of course.
00:20:25.000 You know, like, are you sure?
00:20:26.000 Okay, did Jennifer Lawrence fuck a bunch of people over, or is she just really good at acting?
00:20:30.000 Yeah, she's amazing!
00:20:31.000 Yeah, are you sure that disparity of wealth is because someone's out there being evil, or is she just really good?
00:20:37.000 Right.
00:20:37.000 And the thing that gets me is that they always dump on those people, the public figures, the people like sports, especially biggest example are like sports figures where like, I mean, should he get that much for a fight?
00:20:48.000 It's like, do people want to watch you fight?
00:20:52.000 Should you get that much?
00:20:53.000 Who should get that money?
00:20:54.000 Canelo Alvarez?
00:20:55.000 I'll fight him.
00:20:55.000 I'll get knocked out for a million dollars.
00:20:58.000 That's my favorite.
00:20:59.000 People would say that, oh, I'd fucking get punched by Mike Tyson for a million dollars.
00:21:03.000 First of all, you'd have to get enough people that want to pay to see you get knocked out to make it worth a million dollars.
00:21:09.000 To see you lose your life, quite frankly.
00:21:11.000 Richard Lewis had that joke about his uncle, I remember when I was a kid, and I was watching on TV and laughing until I cried, where he said, oh yeah, I think it was Tyson actually.
00:21:18.000 He was like, yeah, I'd fight him for a million.
00:21:20.000 He was like, yeah, anyone would pay $300 a seat at Madison Square Garden to see an old Jewish guy get punched once in the face and cry.
00:21:27.000 I laughed because it was so specific.
00:21:28.000 You wouldn't even be crying.
00:21:30.000 You'd be drooling.
00:21:32.000 You wouldn't be able to see straight anymore.
00:21:35.000 Your fucking skull would be broken.
00:21:37.000 They'd have to bolt it back together again.
00:21:39.000 You'd have to have everyone I love hostage in a warehouse to let him punch me once.
00:21:44.000 Dude, when he was here the other day, I've met him before.
00:21:48.000 I met him once before, took a picture with him.
00:21:49.000 But every time you meet him, you're like, yeah, okay, this is really Mike Tyson.
00:21:54.000 He's really here.
00:21:55.000 And I'm shaking hands on him.
00:21:56.000 He gives me a hug.
00:21:56.000 He's like hugging a tree.
00:21:58.000 He's like hugging an oak tree.
00:22:00.000 It's just like thunk.
00:22:01.000 He's just this beast of a man.
00:22:04.000 Well, I remember watching those first fights.
00:22:05.000 It was like watching you put a dog in a ring with a wolf.
00:22:09.000 Yeah.
00:22:09.000 Every time.
00:22:09.000 It was just like, he would just run right through everybody to the point where you're like, oh, he's not from here.
00:22:15.000 You know, kind of like those comic books where aliens, like, they're on a planet that has way more gravity or something, so they just punch their fist right through your chest.
00:22:23.000 Superman!
00:22:24.000 Yeah.
00:22:24.000 Yeah, that was a Superman premise, right?
00:22:26.000 That was Superman, uh-huh.
00:22:27.000 But if that happened, what's fucked up about that?
00:22:29.000 Like, scientists must get crazy about that, because if that happened, you would be, like, really sick.
00:22:34.000 Like, when people go to space, and they're in space for six months, like, their body breaks down.
00:22:40.000 Oh, yeah, you lose, like, years from your life.
00:22:42.000 Yeah, you get really fucked up.
00:22:44.000 It's not good.
00:22:44.000 I had Commander Chris Hadfield on the podcast back in the day.
00:22:47.000 And he said that when he came back, he literally couldn't stand.
00:22:50.000 His equilibrium was so fucked up because he had been in space for six months.
00:22:54.000 Then when he came back, it was horrible.
00:22:56.000 He was throwing up.
00:22:58.000 He couldn't see straight.
00:23:00.000 When he would stand, the world was all wobbly and shit.
00:23:04.000 His equilibrium was completely gone.
00:23:06.000 I mean, I think, you know, superhero movies are kind of fundamentally ridiculous and silly.
00:23:11.000 I love comics.
00:23:12.000 I grew up on them and stuff.
00:23:13.000 But they never take physics into account.
00:23:16.000 It's always like you get hit with a gamma ray.
00:23:18.000 You get powers.
00:23:19.000 It's like, why would it choose to give you powers?
00:23:21.000 It would just melt you.
00:23:23.000 Like, that's not how forces in the universe work.
00:23:25.000 They don't, you know, generally speaking, mystically, you know.
00:23:29.000 No one ever gets enhanced in real life by, like, nuclear radiation.
00:23:31.000 Yeah.
00:23:32.000 No, I don't think that's ever happened.
00:23:35.000 The best theory would probably be Godzilla, like some monster was born of it that came out of the ocean.
00:23:41.000 Well, there was a time where Vice went to Chernobyl, and this was back when Vice was really Vice, when Shane Smith was going on all these journeys and shit.
00:23:50.000 Oh, yeah.
00:23:50.000 That was nuts.
00:23:51.000 Yeah, before Vice is sort of...
00:23:52.000 I mean, Vice still does some great stuff, but Vice is just this huge multimedia corporation now.
00:23:59.000 Yeah.
00:23:59.000 And back then, Shane went to Chernobyl, and they were hunting these radioactive wolves.
00:24:07.000 Oh, my God.
00:24:07.000 These radioactive wolves in Chernobyl.
00:24:10.000 And like, you know, they're mutating.
00:24:12.000 There's fish in the water that are enormous, and they're fucking weird.
00:24:15.000 Yeah, and you can never eat them.
00:24:17.000 They're like the fish near the plant in Simpsons, like with three eyes.
00:24:20.000 Right, right, exactly.
00:24:21.000 Yeah.
00:24:21.000 But it's real.
00:24:23.000 Like, they really do have these animals that live in this highly radiated area, and they've managed to survive.
00:24:28.000 I just...
00:24:29.000 I mean...
00:24:32.000 The levels that we have taken to get energy and affected our environment.
00:24:38.000 You ever drive to San Diego?
00:24:39.000 Mm-hmm.
00:24:40.000 You know that ride when you drive down and you look to the right-hand side?
00:24:43.000 Oh, look, a nuclear power plant.
00:24:44.000 Right.
00:24:44.000 I could throw a rock and hit it from the highway.
00:24:47.000 Like, what in the fuck is that doing there?
00:24:49.000 Yeah.
00:24:49.000 So close to the water.
00:24:52.000 Well, I think it needs to be close to the water for cooling.
00:24:54.000 Oh, yeah.
00:24:55.000 That's how they cool the reactor core.
00:24:56.000 Okay.
00:24:57.000 I think.
00:24:58.000 Notice I said that like I know what I'm talking about.
00:24:59.000 That makes sense.
00:25:00.000 Yeah, there's a nuclear physicist right now going, nope.
00:25:03.000 Well, that was the Fukushima thing.
00:25:04.000 You know, that's what's happening over there.
00:25:06.000 Yeah.
00:25:07.000 They still don't have that thing under wraps.
00:25:09.000 Well, and that volunteer army of Japanese people older than 70 that were like, I don't have long.
00:25:14.000 I'll go work there.
00:25:15.000 I'll go clean it up.
00:25:16.000 They're all going back in time.
00:25:18.000 They're all 30 now.
00:25:18.000 You go there, it's like a Stephen King movie.
00:25:20.000 That'd be amazing.
00:25:21.000 I knew Twilight Zone.
00:25:22.000 Everyone's 30 years old, but they don't want to tell anybody.
00:25:23.000 It got decommissioned.
00:25:24.000 I didn't know that.
00:25:24.000 That one on the way to San Diego?
00:25:26.000 Yeah, probably broke.
00:25:27.000 Probably everybody around is dead.
00:25:29.000 Yeah, because everyone was throwing rocks.
00:25:30.000 Sons of bitches.
00:25:32.000 Yeah, but maybe they woke up in like 1980 and they go, hey guys, maybe this isn't a good place for a fucking nuclear power plant.
00:25:38.000 The steam generators failed in 2013. Oh, Jesus Christ.
00:25:42.000 The steam generators.
00:25:43.000 There it goes.
00:25:44.000 There it is.
00:25:45.000 Get the fuck out of here with that.
00:25:47.000 It's over.
00:25:47.000 Meanwhile, that's still there.
00:25:48.000 The core is still there.
00:25:49.000 They can't move it.
00:25:51.000 It's currently in preparation to be decommissioned.
00:25:53.000 Jesus.
00:25:54.000 However long that takes.
00:25:56.000 Whatever even that means, man.
00:25:58.000 Yeah, go fishing around that fucking thing.
00:25:59.000 Good luck.
00:26:01.000 You'll catch some big fish, though.
00:26:03.000 They'll be weird.
00:26:03.000 They'll have human hands.
00:26:04.000 They'll talk to you.
00:26:06.000 Don't eat me.
00:26:07.000 What?
00:26:08.000 But they talk with thoughts.
00:26:10.000 Yeah, right.
00:26:10.000 They just stare at you and enter your mind.
00:26:13.000 Fukushima, they were doing something where they dug this giant swimming pool and all around this giant swimming pool that they dug, they put like ice cores.
00:26:23.000 They put like some sort of cooling element so they could freeze all the nuclear waste to an insanely cold temperature.
00:26:31.000 Wow.
00:26:32.000 But it didn't work.
00:26:33.000 This is like a strategy that they were developing, but apparently it fell apart.
00:26:37.000 They don't know what the fuck to do.
00:26:39.000 It's just, you just don't, you can't do anything.
00:26:42.000 They gotta do something.
00:26:43.000 They gotta keep trying.
00:26:44.000 Shoot it into space?
00:26:46.000 I don't know.
00:26:47.000 Then the aliens are gonna get mad at us.
00:26:49.000 Yeah.
00:26:49.000 Well, they're already—do you know, like, I had a friend who I used to live with who was kind of new-agey but also conspiracy theory-ish, and he was convinced that our planet was the off-limits zone for the entire universe, where every other planet was much more advanced,
00:27:04.000 and they were just like, don't go down there.
00:27:06.000 All they do is fight and blow things up, and they don't share with each other and stuff.
00:27:11.000 They just don't.
00:27:12.000 That's why no aliens come.
00:27:13.000 All that, when people do stuff like that, I always feel like they're anthropomorphizing.
00:27:17.000 Like the idea that their life would be anything like our life.
00:27:21.000 Oh, yeah.
00:27:21.000 There's a bunch of characteristics.
00:27:23.000 I couldn't agree with you more.
00:27:24.000 Yeah.
00:27:24.000 There's a bunch of things that have to be in place for us to get to the point where we're going to war with each other, people that are over there.
00:27:32.000 Right.
00:27:33.000 There's no war in the ocean.
00:27:34.000 Ever notice that?
00:27:35.000 No, exactly.
00:27:35.000 Yeah, there's no ocean wars.
00:27:37.000 Yeah, they don't have, and they're, you know...
00:27:39.000 They just eat each other.
00:27:40.000 Yeah.
00:27:40.000 Which is normal.
00:27:41.000 There's parts of the ocean we can't reach.
00:27:43.000 And who knows if there's a whole other civilization down there.
00:27:47.000 That's why we really bond with mammals only.
00:27:51.000 Because fish don't do a goddamn thing for their kids.
00:27:54.000 Yeah.
00:27:56.000 Those dirty fucks.
00:27:57.000 Because they don't really have them.
00:27:58.000 Like, it's a trick.
00:27:59.000 It's like nature's tricked them to not being attached to the kids.
00:28:02.000 They blast some eggs down on the bottom of the floor, and then the males come along and jizz on the eggs.
00:28:07.000 They're like, I'm done here.
00:28:08.000 And they get out of there, and they jet.
00:28:10.000 That's it.
00:28:10.000 And they leave, like, millions of kids.
00:28:12.000 Yeah, the only ones that take care of them, there's a few female fish that keep the babies in their mouth.
00:28:17.000 You ever seen those?
00:28:18.000 Yeah.
00:28:19.000 And then they let them go.
00:28:20.000 Like when the babies are in trouble, they hold them in their mouth and they're like, everybody gone?
00:28:22.000 Good.
00:28:23.000 And they open up and the babies get to swim around again.
00:28:25.000 Uh-huh.
00:28:25.000 Yeah.
00:28:25.000 That's it.
00:28:26.000 Once you can't fit in mom's mouth, you're fucked.
00:28:30.000 There's a bumper sticker for you.
00:28:31.000 But things that live in the ocean that we do love, like dolphins, take care of their young.
00:28:36.000 Yep.
00:28:37.000 Killer whales, take care of their young.
00:28:39.000 Mm-hmm.
00:28:40.000 Weird, right?
00:28:41.000 It's really weird.
00:28:41.000 If you don't take care of your young, you can fuck yourself.
00:28:43.000 It's kind of a mammalian trait.
00:28:45.000 Yeah.
00:28:45.000 Yeah.
00:28:46.000 Yeah.
00:28:46.000 Yeah.
00:28:47.000 But like you were saying, you can't...
00:28:48.000 We always try to create, like on other planets, is how...
00:28:53.000 Is this it?
00:28:54.000 Is this the one?
00:28:55.000 Yeah.
00:28:55.000 I love how you found that right away.
00:28:57.000 That is amazing.
00:28:58.000 That one is on the outside.
00:28:59.000 That one's like, Mom!
00:29:00.000 Jesus!
00:29:00.000 Yeah, last door.
00:29:01.000 Yeah.
00:29:02.000 That's crazy.
00:29:03.000 What kind of fish is that?
00:29:05.000 Doesn't say?
00:29:05.000 Wow, that's amazing.
00:29:07.000 It's like it's smoking fish.
00:29:08.000 Right.
00:29:09.000 Yeah, like it's a hookah.
00:29:10.000 Yeah.
00:29:11.000 Like it's Snoop Dogg blowing out weed smoke.
00:29:12.000 It's a big-ass fish, too.
00:29:13.000 It looks like a grouper or something.
00:29:14.000 It looks like something in the bass family.
00:29:16.000 Yeah.
00:29:16.000 It's gorgeous fish.
00:29:17.000 You mentioned the thing with feet, and I was watching Blue Planet 2 the other day, and it's not a fish.
00:29:22.000 Apparently, it's called like a toad of some kind, but it hangs out on the bottom, and it has feet.
00:29:27.000 It looks like a fish that grew feet.
00:29:29.000 It walks around?
00:29:30.000 Yeah.
00:29:31.000 That's not a fish?
00:29:32.000 I don't believe so.
00:29:33.000 It's actually some sort of toad, I think, technically.
00:29:36.000 Whoa.
00:29:36.000 But, yeah.
00:29:37.000 And they look like human feet, almost.
00:29:39.000 It has toes and everything.
00:29:40.000 That's amazing.
00:29:41.000 Well, one of the weirdest things that I ever saw about the ocean was there was a theory that was going around a few years ago that...
00:29:47.000 I don't know if this is legit or not.
00:29:49.000 Google this.
00:29:50.000 They think that it's entirely possible that octopus, octopi, may have come from eggs that were frozen and landed here from an asteroid.
00:30:00.000 There was speculation that there was something about the way...
00:30:02.000 Really?
00:30:03.000 Yeah, the way that they...
00:30:04.000 You know, the DNA and RNA of octopus are so different than every other animal in the fossil record.
00:30:13.000 That there was a consideration that they might have actually been an alien species.
00:30:18.000 Because you know what panspermia means?
00:30:21.000 Panspermia is a theory that is pretty widely accepted in the scientific community that some life is transferred through asteroidal collisions.
00:30:31.000 So, like, say if a chunk of rock slams into our planet and knocks a chunk of rock loose, and that chunk has DNA on it, and amino acids, and all the building blocks for life, bacteria, whatever it is.
00:30:46.000 Some things, you know, little things can survive in space, like tardigrades, little life forms can survive in space, that they slam into a planet eventually, and then when they do, that life is transferred onto that planet.
00:30:58.000 Science news, octopuses came to Earth from space as frozen eggs millions of years ago.
00:31:05.000 Okay, but this is like the express.
00:31:07.000 I read it a little bit.
00:31:09.000 But that's the most feasible version of aliens coming here.
00:31:13.000 Yes.
00:31:14.000 We tend to think of it as it lands and like a spaceman who looks like George Clooney steps out, but he has like an antennae or something.
00:31:20.000 It's like, hi, I'm here to share with our planet Altoona or whatever.
00:31:24.000 And he speaks English and all this shit.
00:31:26.000 Like it's on a biological level that we almost can't comprehend.
00:31:31.000 Go back to that, James, please.
00:31:33.000 Look at what it says.
00:31:34.000 The extraordinary claims made in a report entitled The Case of Cambrian Explosion, Terrestrial or Cosmic, which co-authored by a group of 33 scientists and published in the Progress in Biophysics and Molecular Biology journal.
00:31:47.000 And the paper suggests that the explanation for the sudden flourishing of life during the Cambrian era, often referred to as the Cambrian explosion, lies in the stars as a result of Earth being bombarded by clouds of organic molecules.
00:32:00.000 Wow.
00:32:00.000 I think that's also the theory of how water got on Earth.
00:32:04.000 They came from?
00:32:05.000 I think it came from comets.
00:32:06.000 Because when you see comets, comets are all water.
00:32:09.000 And I think millions of years of us getting hammered by comets.
00:32:12.000 Huh.
00:32:13.000 You know when you see the trails of comets?
00:32:15.000 That's literally ice and debris coming off of that comet.
00:32:20.000 I didn't know that.
00:32:20.000 Yeah.
00:32:21.000 Literally the more you know.
00:32:23.000 The more you know.
00:32:24.000 Comet!
00:32:25.000 But they think that about mushrooms as well.
00:32:28.000 They think that spores can survive in a vacuum.
00:32:32.000 So if something, like say if some spores were attached to a rover and we shot it off to the moon or something like that, and it got there somehow or another, if there was the right conditions for that thing to grow, that they could actually survive the trip.
00:32:47.000 And then grow on the moon or on Mars or anywhere where there would be water and sunlight and atmosphere.
00:32:54.000 Like invasion of the body snatchers.
00:32:55.000 Yeah.
00:32:56.000 Well, spores are even weirder, right?
00:32:57.000 Because spores create mushrooms and mushrooms actually breathe oxygen and breathe out carbon dioxide.
00:33:03.000 They say they're closer to an animal than they are to vegetables.
00:33:06.000 Yeah.
00:33:08.000 I've thought about that when I've eaten magic mushrooms.
00:33:11.000 Yeah.
00:33:12.000 A lot.
00:33:12.000 Where it's like, I basically just ate an animal.
00:33:14.000 Well, you also feel like it's alive inside of you, communicating with you.
00:33:21.000 Right?
00:33:22.000 Don't you feel like that?
00:33:23.000 It's not as simple as I'm getting high.
00:33:25.000 When I smoke weed, I feel like I'm getting high.
00:33:27.000 When I eat mushrooms, I feel like I'm entering into the thought process of an alien creature.
00:33:31.000 Oh, yeah.
00:33:32.000 You put on a space suit on the inside, in a way.
00:33:36.000 And you're evolving a certain way, if only for seven or eight hours or something.
00:33:42.000 Yeah.
00:33:42.000 Do you have a microdose?
00:33:43.000 No.
00:33:44.000 I have friends that do.
00:33:46.000 Ron White's big into that.
00:33:47.000 Oh, is he?
00:33:48.000 Every day.
00:33:49.000 I found myself a good kind of medicine.
00:33:52.000 Oh my God.
00:33:53.000 Ron White kills me, man.
00:33:56.000 You just picked the most random name you could have, but I'm just like, that makes perfect sense.
00:34:00.000 He's beautiful.
00:34:01.000 Yeah, yeah.
00:34:02.000 He's a real comedian in that he's always a mess.
00:34:07.000 He's beautiful.
00:34:08.000 He's always hilarious.
00:34:09.000 His relationships are always full chaos.
00:34:12.000 Full chaos.
00:34:13.000 He's always drunk.
00:34:14.000 He's always a peach.
00:34:15.000 He's always the nicest guy.
00:34:16.000 The nicest guy.
00:34:17.000 He's never had any attitude with any comedian ever.
00:34:21.000 He's like America's wisecrack and drunk uncle.
00:34:24.000 Yeah.
00:34:25.000 But not racist.
00:34:26.000 No.
00:34:26.000 No.
00:34:27.000 He's beautiful.
00:34:28.000 Yeah.
00:34:28.000 I love that guy.
00:34:29.000 Me too.
00:34:29.000 Me too.
00:34:30.000 It was almost like there are certain mystical gateways and signs you see that are like, oh, hey, things are going to be okay.
00:34:38.000 I saw the magic monkey in the tree.
00:34:40.000 I landed in Las Vegas with my wife, and she loves Vegas, and we went to the cab line, and just standing there is Ron White smoking a cigar, as if the city put him there.
00:34:49.000 Like he's waiting for a limo, but he was just there.
00:34:51.000 To greet people.
00:34:52.000 Yeah.
00:34:53.000 Which they should, you know.
00:34:54.000 They should just make a Ron White hologram as you drive into the city.
00:34:57.000 He's there all the time.
00:34:58.000 Uh-huh.
00:34:59.000 He's there all the time during the rodeo.
00:35:02.000 If you're in town for the rodeo, Ron White's at the Mirage.
00:35:05.000 That's usually my wife's birthday's in early December, and that's always when the rodeo is.
00:35:09.000 Yeah, well, that club's awesome.
00:35:11.000 Do you work the Mirage?
00:35:12.000 Do you ever go there?
00:35:13.000 I opened for Tosh there.
00:35:16.000 Yeah, the Terry Fedor Theater.
00:35:18.000 Yes.
00:35:18.000 That's a badass place.
00:35:20.000 It really is.
00:35:20.000 It's like a perfect size theater for comedy.
00:35:24.000 Yeah, it's like a thousand seats, not too big, but it's all right in front of you.
00:35:28.000 Yep.
00:35:29.000 I used to work the place where they do the Ka Theater, where they do the Cirque du Soleil.
00:35:35.000 Oh, yeah.
00:35:36.000 But it's too cavernous.
00:35:38.000 Yeah.
00:35:38.000 It actually cost me money to work at the Mirage, and I'd rather do that, because then it's fun.
00:35:43.000 Yeah.
00:35:43.000 The other one was just too big.
00:35:45.000 That's what people don't think about in terms of...
00:35:47.000 I think we only think about that, comedians and promoters.
00:35:49.000 Like the architecture of a good comedy room.
00:35:53.000 Generally speaking, comedy clubs, lower ceiling.
00:35:55.000 Yeah, like the OR. The OR at the comedy store.
00:35:58.000 Yeah, it's perfect.
00:35:59.000 Do you ever do comedy works in Denver?
00:36:01.000 No.
00:36:01.000 Yeah.
00:36:02.000 Flawless.
00:36:03.000 Flawless.
00:36:03.000 They nailed it.
00:36:04.000 Yeah.
00:36:04.000 La Jolla Comedy Store.
00:36:06.000 Yes.
00:36:06.000 Flawless.
00:36:07.000 Acme in Minneapolis.
00:36:08.000 Yes.
00:36:08.000 Well, Acme's got a few pillars that are a little annoying.
00:36:11.000 That's true.
00:36:12.000 That's true.
00:36:12.000 It's a huge building.
00:36:13.000 But the ceiling height is just right.
00:36:15.000 They got wide-ass pillars.
00:36:16.000 You're like, what if I'm sitting right here?
00:36:17.000 I gotta do this to watch the show?
00:36:19.000 I gotta lean left?
00:36:20.000 You worry about who's behind it.
00:36:21.000 It's like doing comedy in the round.
00:36:23.000 I'm always like, I feel like I have to keep spinning, you know, to give everyone a show.
00:36:26.000 I've only done that a couple times, and it always feels weird.
00:36:29.000 I hate it.
00:36:30.000 Yeah.
00:36:30.000 I need people in front of me.
00:36:32.000 Yeah, it's awkward.
00:36:34.000 There's a good theater in Phoenix, though.
00:36:36.000 The Hollywood Theater, they do that in the round.
00:36:38.000 Okay.
00:36:38.000 Louis did one of his specials there, one of his HBO specials.
00:36:42.000 Oh, right.
00:36:42.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:36:42.000 I remember that one.
00:36:44.000 Yeah.
00:36:44.000 That's crazy, because that's huge theater in the round.
00:36:48.000 It's not that big.
00:36:49.000 Really?
00:36:49.000 I think it's 2,900.
00:36:53.000 Okay.
00:36:53.000 I don't even think it's that big.
00:36:56.000 It might not even be 2,900.
00:36:58.000 Maybe 2,700?
00:36:59.000 Find out, young Jamie.
00:37:01.000 Maybe I'm wrong.
00:37:03.000 But I know Sebastian, I think he did Theater in the Round in Madison Square Garden.
00:37:07.000 God bless that dude.
00:37:08.000 That's 18,000.
00:37:09.000 Jesus.
00:37:09.000 Four shows.
00:37:10.000 Boom.
00:37:11.000 Ugh, so good.
00:37:12.000 Boom, boom, boom.
00:37:13.000 He's one of those guys that, like, back when no one knew who he was, you know, three years ago or so, like, I would make a point to stick around and watch him at the store, because he's so fun to watch.
00:37:24.000 He's a great guy, too.
00:37:25.000 Yeah.
00:37:25.000 He's another guy, like, no one begrudges.
00:37:27.000 If you begrudge Sebastian, his success, you're probably a shithead.
00:37:31.000 Well, and you probably don't like fun.
00:37:32.000 Yeah.
00:37:33.000 I mean, I have such a blast watching him because he's like a silly ballet dancer.
00:37:38.000 Yeah.
00:37:39.000 Making up all these stories through his facial expressions and his physical comedy is just par excellence.
00:37:49.000 I love it.
00:37:49.000 Yeah, and he's always annoyed.
00:37:52.000 Everything is annoying to him.
00:37:54.000 That's his whole thing.
00:37:55.000 Yeah, that's it.
00:37:56.000 Everything around him just pisses him off.
00:37:58.000 Yeah, if he ever achieved peace, like peace of mind, it would be terrible for his act.
00:38:03.000 It would be awful for his act.
00:38:04.000 Like, what would you do?
00:38:05.000 Yeah.
00:38:05.000 You know, I used to legit think about that when I was starting out, when I was starting to do comedy.
00:38:09.000 Like, I wanted to meditate and to try to do these different things, but I thought, that's got to be bad for your act.
00:38:15.000 I should probably not do these things.
00:38:16.000 That's crazy.
00:38:17.000 Yeah.
00:38:17.000 I know, like, I remember guys saying like, oh, don't be healthy.
00:38:20.000 Right.
00:38:21.000 It's bad for your act.
00:38:21.000 Yeah.
00:38:22.000 You want to feel like shit.
00:38:23.000 Yeah.
00:38:23.000 The only time you feel good is when you're drunk.
00:38:25.000 Right.
00:38:25.000 That's it.
00:38:26.000 You want to be depressed.
00:38:27.000 You want to be angry and lonely.
00:38:29.000 Smoke cigarettes.
00:38:31.000 Desperately need their attention on stage.
00:38:32.000 Yeah.
00:38:33.000 It's the only place you live.
00:38:34.000 We're all fucked anyway.
00:38:35.000 Who cares?
00:38:36.000 Some of my favorite acts were really depressed.
00:38:38.000 Richard Jenner is one of my all-time favorite acts.
00:38:40.000 He was super depressed.
00:38:42.000 He wound up killing himself.
00:38:44.000 God damn it.
00:38:45.000 It was maddening when I heard the news because he was one of those go-tos that I could just...
00:38:50.000 I get fed up with comedians that aren't fans anymore.
00:38:54.000 Right, me too.
00:38:55.000 I'm a guy in Chicago who...
00:38:57.000 You ever have those people you start out around and you just look at them and you never say it, but you're like, I never want to be you, man.
00:39:03.000 Never.
00:39:03.000 And he would be the back and just go, ha!
00:39:06.000 Funny.
00:39:07.000 Like, is it?
00:39:08.000 Because you didn't laugh.
00:39:09.000 You made a noise like laughter, but you see everything as a competition.
00:39:13.000 So it's like, I love watching good comics, whoever they are.
00:39:17.000 And like, Richard Jenny was one of those guys that's just like, this guy's an ace.
00:39:21.000 You're like Brian Regan.
00:39:22.000 It's like, I'm never not going to laugh.
00:39:23.000 Yeah.
00:39:24.000 He's such a sweetheart, too.
00:39:26.000 Yeah.
00:39:26.000 We've talked about this on the podcast, and I think what that came from was there was a famine mentality that existed in the 80s and the 90s, because the only way you could become successful is if you got on The Tonight Show, and there was only one slot a night, and there's only five nights a week, and then they don't always have comics on either.
00:39:44.000 And then the only other way you could get successful is if you got a sitcom.
00:39:48.000 Right.
00:39:48.000 Or you got an HBO special, which only famous people got.
00:39:52.000 Right, yeah.
00:39:52.000 That was the highest echelon.
00:39:55.000 You had to be Seinfeld or Kinison or someone big to get an HBO special.
00:39:58.000 So for a regular schmo like you or I, back then it was like, what do you do?
00:40:03.000 How do you make it?
00:40:04.000 So everybody was dog-eat-dog.
00:40:06.000 Yeah.
00:40:06.000 It was all...
00:40:07.000 And I think somewhere along the early to mid-2000s, that shifted.
00:40:13.000 Yeah.
00:40:13.000 And it shifted because of the internet.
00:40:15.000 Yeah.
00:40:15.000 That's true, isn't it?
00:40:17.000 It is.
00:40:17.000 It is the internet.
00:40:18.000 I kind of thought of it as an organic thing from, you know, because the comedy boom happened because disco died and you could basically fill a huge room with just a spotlight and a mic and one dude, you know?
00:40:30.000 And these guys still had that space and they were just raking in hand over fist because people just, they didn't want to disco dance anymore and it just died a horrible death.
00:40:37.000 It was too much...
00:40:39.000 Cocaine.
00:40:40.000 Cocaine and everyone did disco.
00:40:42.000 Kenny Rogers did a disco song.
00:40:45.000 Kiss did a disco song.
00:40:46.000 Yeah, I know.
00:40:47.000 So I thought it was because that kind of faded out, we kind of just came to our senses as audience members and comedians.
00:40:56.000 But you're right, it is the internet.
00:40:57.000 That's what changed it.
00:40:58.000 Well, the internet came along and comics started promoting themselves.
00:41:02.000 Someone who really deserves a lot of credit is Dane Cook.
00:41:05.000 For sure.
00:41:05.000 Dane Cook was the first guy to really become famous through the internet.
00:41:09.000 And then everyone, including me, started paying attention going, oh, this is another way.
00:41:15.000 Even though there is the regular way of television shows and movies and all that stuff, there's this way too.
00:41:21.000 And this way just made at the time, he was the biggest selling comedian of all time.
00:41:26.000 Yeah, he spent like 20 grand on a website, which to me at the time, I was like, who has that kind of money?
00:41:30.000 And why?
00:41:31.000 Buy a car!
00:41:32.000 But he was the smart one.
00:41:34.000 He also spent all day responding to people online.
00:41:37.000 Everybody.
00:41:38.000 And then built up this reputation for doing that.
00:41:42.000 Yeah.
00:41:42.000 And then promoted the shit out of himself through MySpace and all these different ways that he promoted the shows.
00:41:49.000 And it became gigantic.
00:41:51.000 And then everyone else around 2003 or 2004, that's when we all started to jump in.
00:41:56.000 And comics had MySpace accounts and comics had Facebook pages.
00:42:00.000 And I had a website in the 90s.
00:42:03.000 I had a website way back in the 90s.
00:42:04.000 But I basically just wrote blogs on it.
00:42:06.000 Yeah.
00:42:06.000 And had a message board and fucked around on the message board.
00:42:08.000 But what he did was use it as a business vehicle, like a way to actively promote himself.
00:42:14.000 So then somewhere in the mid-2000s, comics started doing internet things, like little internet shows, like Crackle was a thing, and they were doing little online things, and then people were working with each other more.
00:42:27.000 Yeah.
00:42:27.000 So instead of comics being like competition, there was camaraderie.
00:42:31.000 Sure.
00:42:31.000 We were doing each other's stuff.
00:42:32.000 And then podcasting took it over the top.
00:42:35.000 Yes.
00:42:35.000 Once that happened, then everybody realized, oh, you can really help each other.
00:42:39.000 Yeah.
00:42:39.000 And you don't have to use – I feel like in between there, one thing you left out was the amount of – the rise of what you call the internet comedian, which – where they just kind of would make blogs and they had people that would edit them so they would be funny.
00:42:52.000 You know what I mean?
00:42:53.000 You and I have come up over 20-odd years doing stand-up where you learn timing, you learn how to read an audience, the ebb and the flow, your brainwaves, and how to pick when to say something and how, because timing is everything.
00:43:06.000 With an internet video, you can have an editor just go, nope, here, here, here, here, he should have said that faster.
00:43:12.000 And it's this thing that kind of vaunted these kids into YouTube millionaires, if they were lucky, But sometimes they'd go on the road and people were like, what's going on?
00:43:24.000 Every single time they'd eat plates of shit.
00:43:28.000 That's like learning karate in your basement, practicing in the mirror, and then going to fight in a tournament.
00:43:34.000 It's like those guys, I saw that thing you put up online of those tutorials, horrible tutorials.
00:43:39.000 Oh, fake martial arts?
00:43:40.000 Come at me.
00:43:40.000 Slap, slap, slap.
00:43:41.000 It's like that guy entering the square circle with someone who knows what he's doing.
00:43:47.000 Are they still doing that style of video where they edit constantly and make those YouTube videos where it's constant edit, edit, edit, edit, where they cut out all the pauses?
00:43:56.000 Is that still a thing?
00:43:57.000 I mean, there's all sorts of styles on YouTube.
00:44:00.000 I could find you a hundred videos of that.
00:44:03.000 Remember when that was like the primary way these people were doing these blogs?
00:44:07.000 Everybody had...
00:44:08.000 It was like...
00:44:08.000 Everything was edited.
00:44:11.000 Yeah.
00:44:11.000 And it would cut to, it's almost like watching Family Guy, where, you know, Peter would be like, that's the time I was into disco, and it cuts to him, and he's like jacking off on a disco floor, then cuts back.
00:44:20.000 You know, it was like that, because you could just do that.
00:44:23.000 We have to say it on stage.
00:44:24.000 We have to have a segue, and blah, blah, blah.
00:44:26.000 We can't just hit a click, and you cut to me beating off, and then back to me in the audience.
00:44:31.000 Yeah.
00:44:31.000 I've watched a couple people recently try to transfer that, doing stuff in front of a microphone, in front of a video camera, to going on stage for the first time.
00:44:41.000 I've watched that.
00:44:42.000 It's terrifying.
00:44:44.000 It's terrifying, and it kind of breaks the covenant of an audience, because anytime I have an opener who's like, they're like, I'm actually fucking nervous and blah, blah, blah, you know, do you Do you still get nervous?
00:44:56.000 I'm like, yeah, of course.
00:44:57.000 Of course.
00:44:57.000 I'd be a sociopath if I didn't get nervous almost every time.
00:45:01.000 But you fight through it and it's fine.
00:45:04.000 But I always tell them, look, man, the audience is rooting for you.
00:45:07.000 They want you to do good.
00:45:10.000 That's the thing that people forget.
00:45:11.000 They think every time you're on the road it's an away game.
00:45:14.000 Unless you're a hot girl.
00:45:17.000 Yeah.
00:45:18.000 That's the hardest road for stand-up is a hot girl.
00:45:21.000 Yeah, it's tough.
00:45:21.000 Hot girl with, like, showing some cleavage with a skirt.
00:45:24.000 Good fucking luck.
00:45:26.000 Yeah, because guys just don't take them seriously.
00:45:28.000 That sucks.
00:45:28.000 Yeah, guys are going to be like, what, you're funny too?
00:45:30.000 I'm funnier than you, and I can fuck you.
00:45:32.000 Hold on, yeah.
00:45:33.000 If I could fuck you, maybe I'd like you better.
00:45:35.000 That's it.
00:45:35.000 Yeah, it's a perfect male privilege.
00:45:37.000 Like, that's not what I want from you.
00:45:39.000 I want sex.
00:45:40.000 Well, that's a weird look, too.
00:45:43.000 Like a girl with long legs and a miniskirt and high heels on stage telling jokes.
00:45:48.000 It is strange.
00:45:49.000 That doesn't work.
00:45:50.000 Well, your overly attractive comedian, male or female, has always been a little weird to me.
00:45:54.000 Yes.
00:45:54.000 There are people that are undeniable, and I'm like, all right.
00:45:58.000 Cool.
00:45:58.000 But it's like, part of me kind of...
00:46:00.000 A little too handsome there, fella.
00:46:02.000 A little too...
00:46:02.000 There was a guy who...
00:46:03.000 When Kyle and I moved to LA and we were roommates, there was a guy that had a show and he was a comedian and a physical trainer.
00:46:09.000 And he sent...
00:46:10.000 He emailed both of us.
00:46:12.000 We were like, hey, can we get booked on your show?
00:46:14.000 And he emailed both of us...
00:46:16.000 He must have taken every email in his book and just sent it out.
00:46:21.000 A blast.
00:46:22.000 If you need to get fit.
00:46:24.000 And the picture was a picture of him shirtless under a waterfall.
00:46:29.000 Like someone's coming at him.
00:46:31.000 And I was like, fuck this guy.
00:46:32.000 And as I say, fuck this guy, Kyle in all caps goes, take me off your list and just sends it.
00:46:37.000 That's all he said.
00:46:38.000 Because I was like...
00:46:40.000 Is that a waterfall?
00:46:42.000 This look in a waterfall.
00:46:43.000 I'm so in touch with nature.
00:46:45.000 Sometimes I go backpacking by myself.
00:46:48.000 My favorite, or probably one of my top five onion headlines was the trucker guy that's like, why do those homosexuals keep sucking my cock?
00:46:57.000 Yeah.
00:46:58.000 And if you read the article, one of them, the second paragraph was, I'm just hanging out with a bro under a waterfall.
00:47:04.000 We're enjoying the day.
00:47:05.000 All of a sudden, he's sucking my cock.
00:47:07.000 Like, what the hell, man?
00:47:08.000 Hey, bro!
00:47:09.000 Under a waterfall.
00:47:10.000 Not cool.
00:47:11.000 I'll think of that every time.
00:47:12.000 Yeah, men under waterfalls with their head back, like, especially if they have long hair, they're, like, flowing through their locks.
00:47:19.000 Yeah.
00:47:20.000 And they tighten up their abs.
00:47:21.000 You can see their abs real good.
00:47:22.000 Yeah, it's like, did you take it?
00:47:24.000 Did you take it?
00:47:25.000 I'm flexing my core as hard as I can.
00:47:27.000 Let me know when you're done.
00:47:29.000 Super spiritual.
00:47:29.000 Oh, gut comes out.
00:47:31.000 Basically plant-based.
00:47:33.000 Super spiritual.
00:47:34.000 Out here.
00:47:35.000 There was a thing.
00:47:36.000 There he is.
00:47:37.000 That guy's taking it in the mouth, though.
00:47:38.000 That's like a kid in Thailand.
00:47:41.000 That's like an elephant coming on that dude.
00:47:43.000 You want like the muscular white dude?
00:47:45.000 See, that's more like it.
00:47:47.000 Handsome man feeling good.
00:47:48.000 Look at a girl.
00:47:49.000 But it doesn't bother me at all when a girl's doing it.
00:47:51.000 Get that girl back.
00:47:52.000 Look at her.
00:47:53.000 Weird.
00:47:54.000 Here you go, girl.
00:47:55.000 So strange.
00:47:55.000 Live your best life.
00:47:58.000 Under that waterfall.
00:47:59.000 It doesn't bother me at all.
00:48:01.000 I see a girl under a waterfall with her hair back like that, not even a tinge of disgust.
00:48:07.000 See, I don't even mind the guy under the water.
00:48:09.000 Like, that guy's just having fun.
00:48:10.000 That guy's not going, wait, what are you doing?
00:48:12.000 Look at me.
00:48:13.000 Come back.
00:48:13.000 Check out my abs.
00:48:14.000 Like the one below it with his arms down, right below there, Jamie, on the bottom row.
00:48:19.000 Yeah.
00:48:21.000 That guy looks like he's having a good time.
00:48:22.000 Yeah, that's a fun dude.
00:48:24.000 Fucking party, bro.
00:48:25.000 He's super high.
00:48:26.000 Why the world needs happy men.
00:48:28.000 That's the...
00:48:29.000 What kind of fucking article is that?
00:48:31.000 I mean...
00:48:31.000 Who wrote that?
00:48:32.000 Some depressed dude right about to shoot himself.
00:48:34.000 He's got a gun sitting on the desk right next to the laptop.
00:48:37.000 He's like, why the world needs happy men.
00:48:42.000 I'm trying to think who would write.
00:48:43.000 It's like, yeah, well, of course.
00:48:44.000 Look at that guy.
00:48:45.000 That dude's rad.
00:48:46.000 Yeah, fat.
00:48:48.000 Burt wishes he was that skinny.
00:48:49.000 That is a dangerous amount of belly.
00:48:54.000 Bert fucking loses all this weight every year.
00:48:57.000 We do this weight loss thing.
00:48:58.000 I follow along.
00:49:00.000 You're crazy.
00:49:01.000 Last year with the hot yoga.
00:49:02.000 And he fucking gains it all back every year.
00:49:04.000 Yeah.
00:49:04.000 Every year he gains it back.
00:49:05.000 I saw him at SoulCycle with his wife.
00:49:06.000 Fat as fuck.
00:49:07.000 Yeah.
00:49:07.000 And he just...
00:49:08.000 I mean, that's...
00:49:09.000 It's unbelievable.
00:49:10.000 He keeps telling me.
00:49:11.000 He goes...
00:49:11.000 He sent out a mass text to us the other day.
00:49:14.000 There's a group on my phone called the Sober October group.
00:49:17.000 Nice.
00:49:18.000 It is one of the best text message threads ever.
00:49:20.000 It's ruthless.
00:49:21.000 Yeah.
00:49:21.000 It's Segura, Ari, me, and Bert.
00:49:24.000 And look at him.
00:49:26.000 Something's burning with Bert Kreischer.
00:49:27.000 That burn is not calories.
00:49:29.000 That's what's not burning.
00:49:30.000 No.
00:49:31.000 But he sent out this message the other day like, I miss the heart rate monitors.
00:49:39.000 Oh, I'm drunk.
00:49:40.000 Yeah.
00:49:41.000 Watching Save It Private Ryan.
00:49:42.000 So sensitive.
00:49:43.000 What the fuck am I doing, man?
00:49:45.000 You guys talking without me?
00:49:47.000 What are you doing?
00:49:47.000 Yeah, he's like this.
00:49:48.000 What's going on over there?
00:49:49.000 Hey, guys.
00:49:50.000 God, I miss you guys.
00:49:51.000 I love Bert, man.
00:49:52.000 He goes out.
00:49:53.000 He'll do a comedy club and then go out and tell everyone where he's going to drink.
00:49:57.000 And then he meets them at the bar, takes his shirt off in Ottawa.
00:50:01.000 It's like 150 degrees below zero.
00:50:03.000 Yeah.
00:50:04.000 He drinks with them all and then leaves.
00:50:06.000 He's like, I love you, I love you, I love you.
00:50:08.000 And then he gets in his tour bus.
00:50:09.000 I mean, I don't go to the second location.
00:50:13.000 You know, I'll hang out at the club a little bit and take pictures of stuff with people and have a beer, but people are like, hey, you should go to our bar!
00:50:20.000 Nope.
00:50:21.000 I'm not going.
00:50:22.000 I've done it in the past.
00:50:23.000 I used to do it in the past, but after a while it becomes untenable.
00:50:25.000 Yeah.
00:50:26.000 Well, you can't.
00:50:27.000 Because you're playing like 5,000, 10,000 seaters now.
00:50:31.000 Yeah, that's a lot of pictures.
00:50:32.000 You can't.
00:50:34.000 I watch Joe Coy hanging out where I'm like, they're going to kill him!
00:50:39.000 Like, they're gonna tear his clothes off like Elvis used to almost get shredded by female nails.
00:50:44.000 Yeah.
00:50:44.000 You know, like, there's so many people trying to get a selfie with him, and he just played a stadium, and he's just outside.
00:50:50.000 Wow.
00:50:51.000 Just like, dude, just, Joe, just careful.
00:50:53.000 Security?
00:50:54.000 Yeah, he's got some people with him, for sure, but...
00:50:57.000 Tasers and whips and shit?
00:50:59.000 Jesus.
00:51:00.000 Different.
00:51:02.000 There's like a lady taser.
00:51:03.000 It's not as strong.
00:51:04.000 There's like a dude taser for the various kinds of fans.
00:51:07.000 Yeah, you got to be careful.
00:51:10.000 But God bless him.
00:51:12.000 I mean, that's kind of how he got that big.
00:51:13.000 The thing about Burt's fans, though, is that Burt's fans are all drunk, too.
00:51:17.000 Right.
00:51:17.000 So they're probably not even going to know what to do or they don't remember.
00:51:20.000 And if they were going to kidnap him, they give it up when they meet him.
00:51:23.000 Yeah, the next day they check their phone like, oh, that selfie's all blurry and shit.
00:51:27.000 Like, yeah, well, your hand was shaking from the DTs while you tried to take it.
00:51:30.000 Bert, you think you can come back to town just real quick?
00:51:32.000 Give me a selfie.
00:51:33.000 Give me a selfie?
00:51:34.000 Come on, Bert.
00:51:35.000 Trying to dress up my Facebook, Bert.
00:51:37.000 My wife's not talking to me, Bert, and your joke's the only thing keeping me going.
00:51:41.000 The heart's not too strong these days.
00:51:43.000 The doc doesn't say I have long, so you can come around.
00:51:47.000 Plus, I'm writing this article for Vox about why the world needs happy men.
00:51:53.000 I got three bullets in the chamber.
00:51:54.000 I'm just sparing it.
00:51:56.000 Once every six hours.
00:51:57.000 No, no.
00:51:57.000 Russian roulette's one bullet.
00:51:59.000 Not mine.
00:51:59.000 Three bullets.
00:52:00.000 Nah, not Vern's roulette.
00:52:02.000 Mine's with three bullets.
00:52:03.000 I was thinking that the other day about marriage, that marriage is essentially Russian roulette with three bullets.
00:52:09.000 Because one's going to die first?
00:52:11.000 50% of marriage is in a divorce.
00:52:13.000 Oh, okay.
00:52:13.000 And then there's the Chris Rock line.
00:52:15.000 He goes, that's just the people that had the courage to get out.
00:52:18.000 Yeah.
00:52:18.000 He's like, how many cowards just stay and suffer?
00:52:21.000 Yeah.
00:52:22.000 Yeah.
00:52:22.000 So true.
00:52:23.000 True Catholics.
00:52:24.000 So true.
00:52:25.000 Yeah.
00:52:25.000 And this is coming from a guy who's happily married.
00:52:27.000 But that's...
00:52:28.000 When I see people about to get married, I go, oof, good luck.
00:52:31.000 Yeah.
00:52:31.000 Well, you're married.
00:52:32.000 Yeah.
00:52:32.000 As I said, this is coming from a guy who's happily married.
00:52:34.000 Yeah.
00:52:35.000 Yeah.
00:52:35.000 It works.
00:52:36.000 I thought you were talking about Chris Rock.
00:52:37.000 And I'm like, no, he's divorced.
00:52:38.000 No, he's not.
00:52:38.000 No, he's divorced.
00:52:39.000 No.
00:52:39.000 I mean, but me, I see people get married, and I'm like, eesh.
00:52:42.000 Oh, yeah.
00:52:43.000 I always assume...
00:52:44.000 I always tell people, like, yeah, I'm married.
00:52:46.000 I'm happy.
00:52:47.000 I love it.
00:52:47.000 Don't do it.
00:52:48.000 Yeah.
00:52:49.000 Don't do it.
00:52:49.000 It's too risky.
00:52:49.000 Dude, that's why I've got to have you on advice from a dipshit.
00:52:51.000 Because Amanda will call through and she'll get marriage advice.
00:52:55.000 We have a lot every single month that people call in and say, hey man, should I, shouldn't I? You can't give people advice.
00:53:02.000 Because first of all, there is no fucking way I know how you actually are together when you're alone.
00:53:06.000 I don't know that.
00:53:07.000 But it's advice from a dipshit.
00:53:08.000 So basically I go by myself and go, just make sure you're doing this, this, this, and this.
00:53:13.000 And then you're on your fucking own.
00:53:15.000 Do not quote me.
00:53:16.000 You should have Dr. Laura on your show.
00:53:18.000 Have her be mean to people.
00:53:19.000 My god, that'd be amazing.
00:53:22.000 I don't care.
00:53:23.000 She's so mean.
00:53:23.000 Yeah.
00:53:24.000 She's brutal.
00:53:24.000 She gives the meanest advice.
00:53:26.000 Yeah.
00:53:26.000 Well, I mean, I need to have more of those tough love people on the show.
00:53:30.000 I always have these comics that, you know, who, Santino was the meanest once.
00:53:34.000 Of course.
00:53:35.000 Because a guy, fucking, that big, big leprechaun.
00:53:39.000 I had, someone called in and was like, you know, we usually curb these, but like, we get a lot of like, how do I make it?
00:53:47.000 Or when's the right time to move to LA or New York?
00:53:49.000 Never.
00:53:50.000 Never.
00:53:50.000 Or whatever.
00:53:51.000 Too late.
00:53:51.000 We missed the 80s.
00:53:52.000 It's like, I don't know, man.
00:53:54.000 It's kind of up to you.
00:53:55.000 And this guy was like, I've been doing it like 12 years or something.
00:53:59.000 And Andrew was just like, the message even finished.
00:54:01.000 He goes, I would give up, man.
00:54:02.000 I would honestly give up.
00:54:03.000 Because this business will eat you alive.
00:54:05.000 And that is something I don't have the heart.
00:54:07.000 I'm a sensitive guy.
00:54:08.000 I don't have the heart to say that to anyone.
00:54:10.000 To just say, back it up and move on.
00:54:13.000 It ain't for you.
00:54:14.000 But Andrew was saying that.
00:54:16.000 And it was kind of like, I appreciate his honesty.
00:54:18.000 Well...
00:54:20.000 I just think that it requires an obsession.
00:54:25.000 Yes.
00:54:26.000 If you're not fully obsessed, you're probably not going to put the thought process and the effort into it, and you're not going to survive the bombings.
00:54:34.000 No.
00:54:35.000 The bombings, they test your soul.
00:54:38.000 It's just nothing worse than feeling that amount of hate.
00:54:42.000 I remember being in New York in dead silence and hearing a guy in the back be like, are you fucking kidding me?
00:54:48.000 Can we fucking go home now?
00:54:50.000 I mean, Jesus Christ, like audibly, audibly in the silence.
00:54:54.000 Oh my God, that's the worst.
00:54:56.000 And I hear that guy in my dreams.
00:54:58.000 I was bombing on stage once, and this guy goes, you're fucking terrible.
00:55:03.000 And I was like, he's right.
00:55:05.000 That's not what I could say.
00:55:06.000 I didn't even respond.
00:55:08.000 Nothing I can say, dude.
00:55:09.000 I'm with you.
00:55:10.000 I can't even pull myself out of this.
00:55:11.000 Yeah.
00:55:12.000 I got nothing.
00:55:13.000 Yeah.
00:55:13.000 I remember Patton Oswalt being on stage at the first festival I read.
00:55:17.000 It was a Chicago comedy festival.
00:55:18.000 And I found the booklet from it recently, like cleaning out my house.
00:55:22.000 What year?
00:55:24.000 2001. And it was Doug Stanhope.
00:55:30.000 Swartzen, Tosh, Kyle, who else?
00:55:33.000 Fucking Bill Dwyer.
00:55:36.000 Bunch of random, like, awesome people.
00:55:38.000 But Patton's on stage and Maren, back when Maren still drank.
00:55:43.000 I think that was the last time he drank, actually, that weekend.
00:55:45.000 No, Maren wasn't drinking back then.
00:55:47.000 Maren wasn't drinking way back in the 80s.
00:55:51.000 No.
00:55:52.000 Did he start drinking again?
00:55:53.000 Yes.
00:55:54.000 Oh.
00:55:55.000 That was like during the relapse period, I think.
00:55:57.000 Oh.
00:55:57.000 I remember because he talks about leaving the hotel and a friend who was at the hotel was like, yeah, man, when you left, your luggage was sweating, like said at the mirror.
00:56:05.000 So he was so hungover.
00:56:06.000 But Patton was like, you know, him and Maren were just dropping in in places and this chick was so mad she got bumped.
00:56:12.000 She's like, you fucking...
00:56:12.000 I fucking suck!
00:56:14.000 And Patton's like, I agree with you!
00:56:16.000 I agree with you!
00:56:17.000 She was mad at him because she got bumped?
00:56:20.000 Uh-huh.
00:56:20.000 And so she was saying he sucked?
00:56:22.000 Yeah, she's just screaming at him from the audience.
00:56:24.000 She just said, you get up, honey.
00:56:25.000 Yeah, well, I mean, I was kind of like, this is a free-form room.
00:56:28.000 Yeah.
00:56:29.000 I got bumped, but I get to watch Patton.
00:56:31.000 So she's a comic heckling?
00:56:33.000 Yeah.
00:56:34.000 Oh, I know.
00:56:35.000 She never made it, did she?
00:56:36.000 Nope.
00:56:36.000 Nope.
00:56:37.000 Yeah.
00:56:37.000 I mean, but it was that thing that was like, if you say I could be killing, it had been one guy would be like, this guy fucking blows.
00:56:44.000 And I'm like, I believe that guy.
00:56:46.000 Damn it, I don't want to.
00:56:47.000 It's the worst is when you're killing, you see one person in the front row like this.
00:56:50.000 Yeah.
00:56:52.000 Like an old lady.
00:56:53.000 Scowling.
00:56:53.000 Like, what are you?
00:56:55.000 Yeah.
00:56:55.000 I had an old lady like that at the store the other day.
00:56:58.000 Older lady.
00:56:59.000 Like, she was like, halfway into my act, she still had this look on her face like, I don't know.
00:57:05.000 I hit her with this one bit, and she throws her head back, and then she's howling.
00:57:09.000 I'm like, I got her.
00:57:11.000 Wow, I got her.
00:57:12.000 She didn't want to give in.
00:57:14.000 That's a fun soda to crack.
00:57:16.000 Yeah, when she was all of a sudden like, ah!
00:57:18.000 Best feeling.
00:57:19.000 She gave in.
00:57:19.000 Maybe it was the booze.
00:57:20.000 Maybe the booze kicked in.
00:57:22.000 Comedy without booze, boy, that would be a struggle.
00:57:25.000 That would suck.
00:57:25.000 I mean, our whole job is entertaining drinkers.
00:57:28.000 I wonder what it would be like if we had liquor-free comedy nights.
00:57:31.000 Have you played?
00:57:32.000 You have to have played those weed rooms.
00:57:33.000 Yes.
00:57:34.000 Those are too crazy.
00:57:35.000 They're insane.
00:57:36.000 We did the Toronto one, the underground room.
00:57:38.000 Yep.
00:57:39.000 There was no air for the candles on the table.
00:57:42.000 The candles were running on a promissory note.
00:57:44.000 There was no oxygen in the room.
00:57:46.000 It was all just weed smoke.
00:57:48.000 I was on stage midway through jokes and having second thoughts.
00:57:52.000 Like, every linear thought was a tree branch that was growing, where I'm like, which one do I follow?
00:57:57.000 Well, not only that, what did I already talk about?
00:57:59.000 Yes!
00:57:59.000 What have I covered?
00:58:02.000 Alright, I have no fucking idea.
00:58:04.000 Do you guys know?
00:58:05.000 Well, when I was doing it, I was doing it with Tripoli, and Tripoli was sober at the time.
00:58:09.000 Okay.
00:58:09.000 But we walk into this room and the secondhand smoke is a fucking real thing.
00:58:13.000 That's what I mean!
00:58:14.000 I hadn't hit a joint!
00:58:15.000 Oh, you hadn't?
00:58:15.000 I was gonna wait until after my set.
00:58:17.000 I don't like doing comedy high, and I felt high on stage.
00:58:20.000 And it's that thing where it's like, well, you just gotta run with it.
00:58:23.000 You can't fight the tide.
00:58:24.000 Don't swim upstream.
00:58:26.000 You're not getting any better.
00:58:27.000 No.
00:58:27.000 You just gotta just keep going.
00:58:29.000 I did.
00:58:30.000 There's a show that a guy, Andy Haynes, had called Midnight Run, where you'd smoke right before you got on stage, and you just hit this big joint.
00:58:37.000 And I was doing great.
00:58:40.000 And then I had this huge setup, and then my brain just, the bottom fell out.
00:58:45.000 Everything fell out.
00:58:46.000 All ideas, all thoughts, my name.
00:58:48.000 And I just went, it was like, and then the girl turns to me.
00:58:51.000 I gotta go.
00:58:52.000 And I walked in the middle of a setup, and then...
00:58:54.000 It was a crushed ending because people were laughing so hard.
00:58:56.000 Because you're so fucked up.
00:58:57.000 Because I just pulled the ripcord.
00:59:00.000 I literally was like, I had a parachute that came out of my backpack that pulled me out of the room.
00:59:05.000 Sometimes marijuana is your friend.
00:59:06.000 Yep.
00:59:07.000 And sometimes it'll fuck up your whole set.
00:59:09.000 But sometimes it'll go, why?
00:59:10.000 Why is that?
00:59:11.000 And then people go, yeah, why is that?
00:59:13.000 And then you're off on this tangent you probably would have never been on.
00:59:16.000 And that tangent might be the best part of that set.
00:59:19.000 Yeah.
00:59:19.000 I mean, I think about people that were like from very regimented backgrounds and went into the military, you know, in the 60s and then hit their first joint and went, this is dumb.
00:59:29.000 Yeah.
00:59:29.000 I hate this.
00:59:30.000 Because that's the thing about, I found about marijuana is it introduced truths about myself that I found hard to face.
00:59:37.000 Yeah.
00:59:37.000 Yeah.
00:59:38.000 And they were minute truths.
00:59:39.000 They weren't anything big that I was afraid of or something, you know, that, like, I really want to kill someone or something stupid.
00:59:46.000 But it was just little things that would, like, bubble up.
00:59:49.000 And I think that's the craziest thing about that plant to me.
00:59:53.000 Well, the idea that it makes you paranoid, right?
00:59:56.000 That's it.
00:59:57.000 It's the paranoia.
00:59:58.000 Right.
00:59:58.000 Oh, I don't like pot.
00:59:59.000 It makes me paranoid.
01:00:00.000 I really think it makes you hyper aware of all sorts of things you've been suppressing.
01:00:04.000 That's it.
01:00:05.000 Because when I'm feeling good, when I'm happy, like I've been a good person.
01:00:09.000 I've been nice to people.
01:00:10.000 I've done the things I'm supposed to do.
01:00:12.000 I can get high and I enjoy the shit out of it.
01:00:14.000 But when I got loose ends, when I got things that are fucking with me...
01:00:17.000 You know, maybe like something that went wrong in my life or whatever, and then I smoke pot, then it just gets weird.
01:00:24.000 Yeah, and I tend to, I don't smoke anymore and think about myself and get worried about me.
01:00:30.000 I think about the world, and I think about way too big of issues, and I think about maybe we're all fucked and, you know, everything.
01:00:36.000 Do you have children?
01:00:37.000 No.
01:00:38.000 Once you have children, then you start thinking about the future.
01:00:41.000 Yeah.
01:00:41.000 Like, what is it going to be like for my children's children or their children?
01:00:45.000 Like, what kind of toxic world are we going to be living in?
01:00:48.000 Yeah, yeah.
01:00:49.000 This progress that we're exhibiting right now that keeps going in the same direction.
01:00:54.000 I think we're living in a level of anxiety as a human race that probably four or five years ago I would have been like, we can't handle that.
01:01:01.000 But we're somehow handling it, you know?
01:01:04.000 Well, we're adaptable.
01:01:05.000 Yeah, I've definitely learned that.
01:01:08.000 But it's the amount of times I... I'm so happy for comedy.
01:01:13.000 I'm so thankful that I'm a comedian and I'm around comedians that can kind of just let the air out of me anytime.
01:01:18.000 What did you do before you did comedy?
01:01:19.000 I was an actor when I was a kid.
01:01:24.000 Then I went to school for acting and then I went to Chicago and I got into improv and stand-up and that was it.
01:01:29.000 Where I was like, I'll still do acting but this is where my heart is.
01:01:33.000 What's so much more fun.
01:01:34.000 It's so much more fun, and it's so honest, and it's so in the moment.
01:01:39.000 I've said this a lot here and there, but when you're on stage and you're going through a bit you've done 50 times, and you just drop it and go, you know what?
01:01:48.000 Fucking, I had the worst diarrhea together today or whatever.
01:01:50.000 Something that you just share, and the crowd goes, oh, because a defense attorney wrote this book, and one line in it was, the truth just sounds different in court.
01:02:00.000 It just sounds different.
01:02:01.000 And it's the same thing for a comedian.
01:02:03.000 When a person just goes, I don't think my wife loves me.
01:02:07.000 And you'll get a laugh, but it's like, fuck, he really believes that.
01:02:10.000 And now the crowd's like, ooh, yeah, good.
01:02:12.000 Now this is the meat.
01:02:13.000 You took the Cheetos off the table.
01:02:16.000 Now you put the roast down.
01:02:17.000 Now good.
01:02:17.000 Now we have something to chew on.
01:02:19.000 And the immediacy of that can't really be matched.
01:02:23.000 Improv, maybe.
01:02:24.000 Live theater, sure.
01:02:25.000 But stand-up comedy is the moment, like Buddhism, like saying the moment.
01:02:31.000 In comedy, if you stay out of the moment, you're no longer in the pole position.
01:02:34.000 Your car is going to drive off the road because the ultimate bullshit detector is a crowd.
01:02:40.000 They know far more than they know they know.
01:02:43.000 I've been reading these articles written by these angry women about Louis C.K.'s comeback, and some of them have been going to his shows and writing about the show.
01:02:52.000 And one of them that I read today was from this woman in Pittsburgh.
01:02:56.000 What I thought was fascinating, she said that he has...
01:02:59.000 He doesn't allow people to bring cell phones.
01:03:03.000 They have those yonder pouches.
01:03:06.000 Her rationalization of this was, and she included me and Dave Chappelle in this, that we use those because we know that words offend, but we don't want the consequences.
01:03:20.000 Which is not what it is at all.
01:03:22.000 No.
01:03:22.000 You don't want people sharing your material online because you're developing it and you're touring with it.
01:03:28.000 And jokes are a surprise.
01:03:30.000 A musician doesn't want you recording them just noodling around before they finish this song.
01:03:35.000 Right, but a musician's song, the difference is you can hear it over and over and over again, and it doesn't lose any of the thing.
01:03:42.000 You actually enjoy it more.
01:03:43.000 More to the point.
01:03:44.000 But if you have a bit about diapers, and there's a very specific punchline about a diaper, and then they already know it.
01:03:50.000 They know that punchline, and you're working out how to get to that punchline and how to set up the bit, but someone leaked the audio already.
01:03:58.000 Louis is touring right now with that leaked set.
01:04:22.000 Yeah.
01:04:24.000 Because if he wrote an hour over the last 10 months where he's been hiatus, what does he do?
01:04:33.000 He's touring.
01:04:34.000 So is he going to tour with a whole new hour?
01:04:36.000 Get the fuck out of here.
01:04:37.000 Yeah.
01:04:38.000 I feel like he's quite obviously a special case because of his behavior.
01:04:44.000 But it's almost like, I will say, that aside, I have my problems with Louis and what he's done and everything.
01:04:53.000 But overall, I'm on the side of free speech.
01:04:56.000 And in terms of being comedians, we can't allow you to come in and film our shit or to record it, no matter who it is, because it's...
01:05:06.000 The larger thing is like everyone – one thing with comedy is everyone thinks they're an expert.
01:05:11.000 There's no other art form where someone's like, I know what the best shit is or I got a friend funnier than you.
01:05:16.000 Right, but in all fairness, if I go to see a movie – I'm not a movie maker, but if I go to see a movie and I think it sucks, I should be able to say, oh, that movie blew.
01:05:23.000 True, but you're not allowed to go on set and film it yourself while they're filming it.
01:05:27.000 Right.
01:05:28.000 Well, you're also not allowed to bootleg it and then put it online.
01:05:31.000 You'll go to jail.
01:05:32.000 Yeah.
01:05:33.000 Yeah.
01:05:33.000 Yeah.
01:05:34.000 It really will.
01:05:35.000 Yeah, and people that record our stuff, like Stanhope was tweeting about that, about how is this legal.
01:05:41.000 Right after the Louis thing.
01:05:42.000 Yeah, and Chappelle has that thing, like the Comedy Works has, where you come in with your cell phone, they put it in a locked pouch.
01:05:49.000 You get the combo, you get it when you leave.
01:05:51.000 I was doing that before I did my Netflix special, but I was only doing it because I was tightening up my set, and I didn't want any of it getting leaked right before the Netflix special.
01:06:02.000 But once I filmed it, then I stopped doing it.
01:06:05.000 Sure.
01:06:05.000 Because I was like, it's too hard.
01:06:07.000 It's too complicated, and it's just like, the internet is going to be the internet.
01:06:11.000 It's just...
01:06:13.000 It did make the show better, though.
01:06:14.000 You know where it did make it better?
01:06:16.000 Miami.
01:06:16.000 Oh, really?
01:06:17.000 Because in Miami, people are such chimps that they just kept getting up and walking out to check their phone.
01:06:24.000 So they'd get up, they'd go out to get their phone, they'd come back, and so they were all just popping up and down.
01:06:30.000 Everybody's just trying to fucking do coke in Miami.
01:06:32.000 Miami's insane, dude.
01:06:34.000 Miami will always be more insane than any given American city.
01:06:37.000 It's just on another level.
01:06:39.000 It's forever young.
01:06:41.000 It's forever 21. It really is, like the name of that women's store.
01:06:45.000 It's a cocaine city.
01:06:46.000 It is a cocaine city.
01:06:48.000 I mean, it's created by cocaine.
01:06:49.000 There's more banks per capita in Miami than anywhere else because of cocaine laundering.
01:06:53.000 Yeah, and you go there, and they're like, oh, you're going to go out tonight?
01:06:58.000 And you're like, I'm out.
01:06:59.000 And they're like, no, man, it's 1 a.m.
01:07:00.000 We're not going out until 5. Yeah.
01:07:02.000 What are you, 60 years old?
01:07:04.000 And you're like, what the fuck?
01:07:06.000 I don't do that.
01:07:07.000 You guys are crazy.
01:07:08.000 I have a wife.
01:07:09.000 They're all high.
01:07:09.000 Yeah, exactly.
01:07:11.000 They're all fucked up on coke and pills.
01:07:12.000 Yeah.
01:07:12.000 Running around rampant.
01:07:14.000 You mentioned Chappelle, and we were talking about Bourdain before, and I will not say what the joke is, but that guy is such an alchemist.
01:07:21.000 Like, he can just make gold out of lead in terms of material.
01:07:25.000 He had a Bourdain joke that made me double over laughing about the suicide that wasn't talking about Bourdain per se, but about his own family member.
01:07:38.000 I don't want to blow the joke, but it was that thing where, apologies to people who are listening to this.
01:07:43.000 I know you want me to say what it is, but he's probably going to do it in a special, so I don't want to do that.
01:07:47.000 But it's testament to how with comedy there's always a mission impossible.
01:07:53.000 There's always a topic like, you cannot make fun of this.
01:07:57.000 And someone found a way, and it wasn't disrespectful.
01:08:00.000 I was just like, God damn it.
01:08:03.000 He'll just say these setups that you're like, whoosh.
01:08:06.000 Where are you going with this one?
01:08:07.000 Jesus Christ!
01:08:08.000 Yeah, the idea that you can't make fun of something is crazy.
01:08:10.000 It's nuts.
01:08:11.000 You might do it wrong, but someone can do it right.
01:08:15.000 Yeah.
01:08:15.000 I mean, it might not be your style, but someone can do it.
01:08:20.000 Uh-huh.
01:08:21.000 There's so many weird styles.
01:08:23.000 One of the beautiful things about comedy is the fact that styles are so personal.
01:08:27.000 Yes.
01:08:27.000 You know, like, Dave Attell might be able to do a bit that, you know, Sebastian could not do.
01:08:31.000 It's just not in his wheelhouse.
01:08:33.000 Dave Attell is probably the funniest man on earth.
01:08:36.000 He's one of them, for sure.
01:08:37.000 Like, that dude just kills me.
01:08:38.000 Yeah.
01:08:39.000 Like, every time.
01:08:40.000 Yeah.
01:08:40.000 He's another magician.
01:08:41.000 He just pulls shit out of the air.
01:08:42.000 And he's so prolific.
01:08:44.000 Yeah.
01:08:44.000 He's just always writing.
01:08:45.000 Always.
01:08:46.000 Always tuning things.
01:08:47.000 It'll call you up and go, hey, have you ever heard something like this before?
01:08:50.000 Yeah.
01:08:50.000 Because it'll come too easy.
01:08:52.000 Yeah, you will.
01:08:52.000 He just wants to make sure.
01:08:53.000 Yeah.
01:08:54.000 Yeah.
01:08:54.000 Yeah, comedy is so beautiful in that it really is an art form that you can't learn anywhere.
01:09:02.000 Like, you have to learn it yourself.
01:09:03.000 Yeah.
01:09:03.000 It's not like you can learn how to play the clarinet.
01:09:05.000 You go and take classes and practice music.
01:09:09.000 You don't have to have ever created anything, and you can play beautiful clarinet music.
01:09:13.000 Yeah.
01:09:14.000 I mean, you don't have to ever have invented a single song, and you could just go out there and make a living playing the clarinet.
01:09:20.000 Well, and you don't learn to play a clarinet in front of an audience.
01:09:22.000 Right.
01:09:23.000 You don't bring it to the clarinet open mic and, doodoo, doodoo, boo, fuck you!
01:09:27.000 You have to learn in front of people.
01:09:28.000 Uh-huh.
01:09:29.000 Yeah, you're not going to get up there and play Flight of the Bumblebee right away.
01:09:32.000 Is there anything else where you have to learn in front of people like that?
01:09:36.000 I mean, even basketball, you practice in the gym.
01:09:39.000 Yeah, there might be a couple friends hanging out.
01:09:41.000 Yeah.
01:09:41.000 Yeah, it is the only art form I can think of that you can only get better in front of a crowd.
01:09:47.000 It's fucking crazy.
01:09:48.000 It's really crazy.
01:09:49.000 And there's no classes.
01:09:50.000 All classes that you take are useless.
01:09:52.000 Really?
01:09:53.000 They're all taught by fools.
01:09:54.000 Yeah.
01:09:55.000 Sorry, folks, teaching comedy classes.
01:09:57.000 Yeah, I've had friends who have been.
01:10:00.000 John Roy writes stuff online that I think is really illuminating, that teaches you what the business is really like and what the best comedy is from a comedian's perspective.
01:10:10.000 But he's not...
01:10:11.000 He just puts them up there for free.
01:10:12.000 He's not sitting in a room.
01:10:13.000 Someone can give you a coach.
01:10:15.000 Like a good comic can coach you.
01:10:17.000 Yeah.
01:10:17.000 They can say, hey man, you know that bit?
01:10:18.000 If you just came at it this way, maybe that would be an easier way.
01:10:21.000 Like Neil Brennan is a genius that way.
01:10:23.000 And I did that for a show where a guy who was...
01:10:28.000 He was more of like...
01:10:30.000 He's entertaining, but his delivery and stuff was kind of like a TED Talk.
01:10:33.000 And he was going to do a show.
01:10:35.000 He did a pilot where it was just him kind of talking about the news and stuff.
01:10:38.000 And basically, they brought me in to kind of just loosen him up to make it like the best comedians.
01:10:45.000 It's like the funniest person at a party.
01:10:49.000 You're as natural in front of your friends after a couple beers as you are on stage.
01:10:54.000 Right.
01:10:54.000 So I just had to fuck.
01:10:55.000 And it was just like untightening muscles on this guy.
01:10:59.000 And I'm just like, nope, nope.
01:11:01.000 You're leaning into the funny.
01:11:02.000 You're getting loud and you think that's fun.
01:11:04.000 No, no.
01:11:05.000 It was fun.
01:11:06.000 That was fun just coaching someone.
01:11:08.000 It's hard for people to see how other people are seeing them.
01:11:10.000 Yeah.
01:11:11.000 Sometimes that's one of the reasons why people like to avoid recordings or films.
01:11:15.000 They don't want to watch themselves.
01:11:16.000 Because you watch yourself and you're like, yuck!
01:11:19.000 It's the worst!
01:11:20.000 You watch an edit of your special?
01:11:22.000 Because you already know the jokes, so they're not funny to you.
01:11:26.000 They don't hit you.
01:11:26.000 I have a special coming out February 5th called Finally Live in Portland.
01:11:32.000 What's it coming out on?
01:11:33.000 It's going to be like Gaffigans everywhere.
01:11:36.000 So Amazon Prime, all that jazz?
01:11:38.000 Google Play, iTunes, all that jazz.
01:11:41.000 That seems to be the trend.
01:11:43.000 A lot of people are doing that.
01:11:45.000 I was just tired of waiting where I had Netflix and Comedy Central.
01:11:48.000 I have good relationships with them, but they're like, our roster's full for this year.
01:11:52.000 We'll try for next year.
01:11:53.000 And I'm like, man, it's the first part of the year now.
01:11:56.000 I can't.
01:11:57.000 I'm just going to dump, do it.
01:11:59.000 Hinchcliffe is going to do the same thing.
01:12:00.000 Smart.
01:12:01.000 Yeah.
01:12:01.000 Yeah.
01:12:01.000 Yeah, and Callan too.
01:12:03.000 Callan just did the same thing.
01:12:04.000 It's like you get to a point where you're like, look, I gotta go.
01:12:06.000 I get it that you guys have five Hannah Gadsby specials on the back burner, ready to rock and roll, about to wake people up.
01:12:14.000 But I gotta make my thing.
01:12:16.000 But to the point, besides my obvious sneaking in a plug there, I like watching the cut of it with an editor.
01:12:23.000 Death.
01:12:24.000 Death.
01:12:25.000 Death.
01:12:25.000 People are like, what's your favorite joke on it?
01:12:27.000 None of them.
01:12:28.000 I hate them all.
01:12:28.000 I hate all those jokes.
01:12:29.000 But that's because you're good.
01:12:31.000 People who suck, they love everything they do.
01:12:37.000 I'm going to shit on Bobby Lee real quick, even though we love Bobby.
01:12:40.000 Please do.
01:12:41.000 I love him, but...
01:12:42.000 And it's not even shitting on him.
01:12:43.000 I admired it.
01:12:44.000 Just shit on him, bro.
01:12:44.000 He's not here.
01:12:45.000 When we were on Mad TV together, Eric Price and I were both on there.
01:12:49.000 We got hired the last season, and then they canceled it.
01:12:51.000 Make of that what you will.
01:12:53.000 But when we worked with Bobby, when he didn't have his dick and balls out eating a salad, he would watch playback and would just watch himself and be like, ha, ha, ha, ha.
01:13:04.000 To the point where Keegan-Michael Key, me, and Eric would just point at him and go like, me!
01:13:09.000 Me!
01:13:10.000 It's me!
01:13:11.000 He would literally laugh at his own shit, and I admired that about him.
01:13:15.000 I'm just like, I could never.
01:13:16.000 It's a mental delusion.
01:13:17.000 He's got something wrong with his brain.
01:13:18.000 He needs to put out a special.
01:13:21.000 I've been telling him forever.
01:13:22.000 I'm like, dude, you are one of the best stand-up comedians alive, and you don't have a special.
01:13:26.000 And he still goes to clubs and is like, can I just do 20 minutes?
01:13:29.000 And the owner's like, fuck no!
01:13:31.000 What we're paying you?
01:13:32.000 You do an hour?
01:13:33.000 To headline?
01:13:33.000 Yeah.
01:13:34.000 He asked if he could do 20 minutes to headline?
01:13:35.000 He'll do over an hour, but he's just so down on himself.
01:13:39.000 He's like, I don't think I got it.
01:13:40.000 Can I just do like 20?
01:13:41.000 Can you let this guy do 45?
01:13:43.000 He really says that?
01:13:44.000 Yes.
01:13:44.000 When he goes to a club and people are there to see him?
01:13:46.000 Last I checked, yeah.
01:13:47.000 Because he's just so down on himself.
01:13:49.000 So crazy.
01:13:49.000 And then he'll get up and just crush.
01:13:50.000 He's so funny.
01:13:51.000 I talked to him about it.
01:13:52.000 I was like, why don't you do this?
01:13:54.000 I'm going to.
01:13:54.000 I'm going to.
01:13:55.000 I'm like, you're not going to.
01:13:56.000 No.
01:13:56.000 You've been telling me you're going to for years.
01:13:58.000 No.
01:13:58.000 I've known Bobby Lee for 20 plus years.
01:14:01.000 Yeah.
01:14:01.000 He's never put out a comedy special.
01:14:03.000 That's insane.
01:14:04.000 Yeah.
01:14:04.000 Bobby Lee almost got me killed at a strip club in San Diego.
01:14:08.000 First time I met him.
01:14:09.000 I already believe it.
01:14:10.000 B, continue.
01:14:11.000 We were in our 20s.
01:14:12.000 And...
01:14:15.000 And I met Bobby Lee down there at the La Jolla Comedy Store, and then we went out after the show.
01:14:20.000 This was probably like late 90s somewhere.
01:14:23.000 And we went out afterwards, went out to the strip club, and there was this Mexican gentleman with a tattoo on his face in the 90s, which is rare.
01:14:32.000 And he had long, straight black hair.
01:14:35.000 Wow.
01:14:35.000 And he had a look in his eyes like he's killed people.
01:14:38.000 Yeah.
01:14:38.000 I'm good at sniffing out danger.
01:14:43.000 I'm like, that's real danger.
01:14:44.000 And Bobby was hitting on his girl.
01:14:45.000 He was trying to get a lap dance from his girlfriend.
01:14:47.000 God damn it.
01:14:48.000 I mean, in Bobby's defense, it's at a strip club.
01:14:50.000 But this girl was apparently his girlfriend at a strip club.
01:14:54.000 And the guy stood up.
01:14:56.000 And he stood up and he said something to Bobby.
01:14:58.000 And Bobby comes over.
01:14:59.000 And he's like, fuck that guy.
01:15:00.000 And I looked at the guy.
01:15:01.000 I looked at Bobby.
01:15:01.000 I go, I'm getting out of here right now.
01:15:03.000 And he's like, I go, either come with me or you're going to walk home.
01:15:06.000 I'm like, fuck you.
01:15:07.000 I go, I'm not getting killed for you.
01:15:08.000 We all ran out into the car.
01:15:10.000 And I had a Toyota Supra at the time.
01:15:13.000 And I got in my car and Bobby's like, that guy ain't gonna do shit.
01:15:16.000 I'm like, get in the fucking car!
01:15:18.000 I'm like, dude, you don't understand danger.
01:15:21.000 You're gonna get everyone killed.
01:15:22.000 It's guys like you.
01:15:23.000 Yeah.
01:15:23.000 Bobby Lee's one of those guys that has no spidey sense.
01:15:26.000 None.
01:15:26.000 None.
01:15:27.000 Zero.
01:15:27.000 You know, I have very strong where it's tingling where I'm like, oh, I'm about to get jumped.
01:15:31.000 Yeah.
01:15:32.000 I need to just abandon my pride and run down the street.
01:15:34.000 This one was a real one.
01:15:36.000 I was like, oh, this guy's like a gangbanger.
01:15:38.000 He had tattooed tears.
01:15:40.000 He was legitimately scary looking.
01:15:43.000 Even if he was bluffing.
01:15:45.000 What is this?
01:15:45.000 This is a video like what would happen.
01:15:47.000 This big guy right here, he gets pissed off and he basically knocks everyone out here in the bar.
01:15:52.000 Nobody can do anything about it.
01:15:53.000 Oh, God.
01:15:54.000 He just starts fighting.
01:15:55.000 One guy, one guy's like, hey, you need to stop.
01:15:57.000 Knocks this guy out.
01:15:57.000 Knocks that guy out.
01:15:59.000 Starts beating up a guy over here in the booth.
01:16:00.000 Well, he's just beating people up for no reason.
01:16:01.000 Yeah, someone must have pissed him off.
01:16:03.000 He was dancing at the beginning of the video.
01:16:04.000 Oh, no, dude.
01:16:05.000 He's not doing anything.
01:16:06.000 He's tagging out.
01:16:06.000 This guy can't even fight.
01:16:07.000 That's the thing.
01:16:08.000 Well, he's telegraphing every punch.
01:16:10.000 I'm not even a fighter, but...
01:16:11.000 Everybody's letting him punch him.
01:16:12.000 Well, they're all drunk as shit, too.
01:16:14.000 Oh, they're bumping into him.
01:16:15.000 Oh, man.
01:16:15.000 Oh, he's a dick.
01:16:16.000 A fucking drunk guy nudged you?
01:16:17.000 Four in the morning or something like that.
01:16:18.000 Oh, he's a dick.
01:16:19.000 Yeah, that sucks.
01:16:20.000 Yeah, but that's what could happen in that situation.
01:16:21.000 Yeah.
01:16:22.000 They'd have fucked everyone up.
01:16:23.000 You have to send this to me because that looks like my friend Vince Averill, who's a comedian from the Midwest.
01:16:29.000 He's got that same kind of balding, same size.
01:16:32.000 He's like punching little kids.
01:16:34.000 Yeah.
01:16:34.000 Like a giant punching little kids.
01:16:36.000 One of my favorite videos of a bar is a girl and a guy.
01:16:39.000 The guy got in this girl's face and she grabs his collar and headbutts him unconscious.
01:16:45.000 She grabs and goes, wham!
01:16:46.000 And the dude just drops.
01:16:48.000 It's fucking hilarious.
01:16:49.000 Like, that bitch must have grown up in a hard family.
01:16:52.000 Because this guy is way bigger than her, and it was a dangerous thing to try.
01:16:56.000 And she just grabs his collar and fucking slams her forehead right into his nose.
01:17:01.000 I think you can get away with that if you're a lady.
01:17:04.000 You know what I mean?
01:17:04.000 No, you can't.
01:17:05.000 Well, not that it's excusable.
01:17:07.000 Don't do it.
01:17:08.000 You're giving bad advice.
01:17:09.000 I'm not saying do it.
01:17:10.000 Is this it?
01:17:11.000 I think this is it.
01:17:13.000 Yeah, watch this.
01:17:15.000 The guy, like, they get closer to us.
01:17:17.000 Look at this.
01:17:18.000 Bam!
01:17:18.000 Boom!
01:17:19.000 KO'd.
01:17:20.000 Wow!
01:17:21.000 Go to sleep, bitch.
01:17:22.000 Holy sh...
01:17:22.000 And look at her just strolling away.
01:17:24.000 Yeah, that girl's done that before.
01:17:25.000 And that guy's like, Sheila, you killed again!
01:17:28.000 Yeah, whatever.
01:17:29.000 We have to get you help.
01:17:30.000 Whatever.
01:17:31.000 Who's gonna arrest me?
01:17:32.000 You don't tell...
01:17:33.000 He's moving.
01:17:34.000 He's like, we didn't give you bionic limbs to let you do this.
01:17:38.000 Yeah, she's got a plate in her head from a car accident when she was six.
01:17:43.000 No, I'm saying if a girl puts her hands on your chest, that guy had to be like, what are you going to really...
01:17:47.000 He didn't see it coming.
01:17:49.000 You can't let people touch you.
01:17:50.000 Never let people touch you.
01:17:51.000 No!
01:17:52.000 Even if it's a girl.
01:17:53.000 A girl grabbing you like that, be very careful.
01:17:55.000 That's a red flag.
01:17:56.000 Yeah, if someone does that, you feel tension.
01:17:59.000 You feel like they're about to do something.
01:18:01.000 If you're a dumb dude and you think you're invulnerable...
01:18:04.000 Yeah, and then wake up with a shattered nose.
01:18:06.000 Get headbutted into oblivion.
01:18:08.000 That was insane.
01:18:09.000 The real scary thing is falling out.
01:18:11.000 The thing about getting hit is that you fall and your head bounces off the ground.
01:18:16.000 That's the most dangerous thing.
01:18:17.000 I mean, I'm so tall, I would have permanent brain damage.
01:18:22.000 Right, all the falling?
01:18:23.000 Yeah, because you're just a sack.
01:18:25.000 Just a sack of jelly.
01:18:27.000 Maybe that's why Bobby's so cocky, because he's not falling very far.
01:18:29.000 That's it.
01:18:30.000 He's just woken up on the ground.
01:18:32.000 He kind of rolls.
01:18:32.000 He tucks and rolls.
01:18:33.000 He's like, I was talking to that guy, and I must have bumped my head on something, because I woke up in the alleyway.
01:18:39.000 But I'm fine.
01:18:40.000 I'm fine.
01:18:41.000 Yeah.
01:18:41.000 Yeah.
01:18:42.000 Have you ever done his podcast?
01:18:44.000 No.
01:18:45.000 I've got to reach out.
01:18:46.000 He's a good dude.
01:18:47.000 I love hanging out with Bobby.
01:18:48.000 I hope he really does do a comedy special this year.
01:18:50.000 I really do, because he's so funny.
01:18:52.000 He murders!
01:18:53.000 I mean, to me, he's a no-brainer for Netflix.
01:18:54.000 Yeah.
01:18:54.000 No-brainer.
01:18:55.000 Right.
01:18:56.000 Diversity.
01:18:57.000 Hashtag diversity.
01:18:57.000 Yeah.
01:18:58.000 And he's a nut.
01:18:59.000 He has great stories.
01:19:00.000 Yeah.
01:19:01.000 Yeah.
01:19:02.000 He told me a story once about...
01:19:04.000 He was at MADtv, they had a table read, and he hadn't slept in a couple of days.
01:19:10.000 He'd just gotten back from Mexico.
01:19:12.000 He had a giant Bowie knife, like, tucked into his shirt, and he was fucked up on pills, and he was just sweating.
01:19:19.000 He's been up for days and he's at the table read.
01:19:22.000 And that was before he decided to clean his act up.
01:19:25.000 Yeah.
01:19:25.000 I was lucky enough to come across well after those days.
01:19:30.000 And they wrote a script to fuck with him.
01:19:33.000 They gave him the wrong script with extra lines, with a monologue that took up the whole page.
01:19:38.000 So that he would have to remember it?
01:19:39.000 No, no, he just had to read it.
01:19:41.000 And everyone's like, they tell everybody, don't worry about that part where he thinks he's a bird.
01:19:45.000 And so Bobby's like, I'm a bird, I'm supposed to...
01:19:47.000 And the writer was coaching him, just like, do the wackiest bird voice.
01:19:51.000 And he's like, car, car, I'm supposed to fly, car, and I'm a bird!
01:19:54.000 And he looks up, and we're crying, laughing, and he sees someone's script, he goes, fuck you guy!
01:19:59.000 And he threw the script across the room, and I remember just taking pictures of him.
01:20:01.000 Yeah, just to...
01:20:03.000 That they just did, like, on his birthday or something.
01:20:05.000 It was, like, the best prank.
01:20:06.000 Wasn't MADtv, like, the longest-running sketch show ever outside of Saturday Night Live?
01:20:10.000 It was, yeah.
01:20:11.000 That's crazy.
01:20:11.000 Nobody watched it.
01:20:13.000 Ten people watched that show.
01:20:14.000 It cost too much, I think.
01:20:16.000 Is that what it was?
01:20:16.000 Yeah, because they do a lot of, like, song parodies and things like that, and it just—I mean— I wish it would have kept going.
01:20:26.000 Of course, you were working on it.
01:20:27.000 But it was one of those things where it was like you'd hear it was still on.
01:20:30.000 You're like, whoa, that show's still on?
01:20:32.000 Oh, yeah.
01:20:33.000 Because I was on it with Brian Callen in 1994. Yeah.
01:20:36.000 Brian Callen and Artie Lang, like, 94, 95, 95?
01:20:40.000 That's crazy.
01:20:41.000 That was a long fucking time ago.
01:20:43.000 Yeah, it is.
01:20:43.000 And then all those years later, I'm like, what?
01:20:46.000 It's still on?
01:20:47.000 Dude, when I got the call to audition, I was like, this is still on television?
01:20:51.000 This was 2008. That is fucking crazy.
01:20:54.000 Yeah.
01:20:55.000 2009, it ended.
01:20:58.000 1995 to 2009, that's insane.
01:21:01.000 We shot the last, they canceled it, I want to say January of 2009, and it was, they canceled it on my, they told everyone on my day off.
01:21:11.000 Oh, so it was original network.
01:21:12.000 It was on Fox.
01:21:14.000 And why does it say the CW? They tried to bring it back.
01:21:17.000 They tried to bring it back?
01:21:18.000 Yeah.
01:21:18.000 What?
01:21:19.000 Adam Ray was on it.
01:21:21.000 What?
01:21:21.000 And a couple people I don't know.
01:21:22.000 What is the CW? Is that real?
01:21:25.000 Oh, look.
01:21:25.000 There I am.
01:21:26.000 Is that like a drug dealer's money laundering operation, the CW network?
01:21:30.000 What is that?
01:21:31.000 Is it like those...
01:21:32.000 I live south of Glendale, and there's a banquet hall every two blocks.
01:21:36.000 I'm like, there's some laundering.
01:21:38.000 Yeah.
01:21:38.000 Come on.
01:21:38.000 That's got to be some easy laundering right there.
01:21:41.000 Banquet hall.
01:21:41.000 They're just trying to figure out a way to get rid of money.
01:21:44.000 You've got to move it around, justify their income.
01:21:47.000 Who's to say there isn't a wedding, two weddings a day?
01:21:50.000 A couple of weddings here, there.
01:21:51.000 Sure.
01:21:54.000 You've got to think that if you're a person in this day and age, That you're selling drugs and you're trying to launder money.
01:21:59.000 You have to be super sophisticated about it.
01:22:01.000 That's the hardest part.
01:22:03.000 If you're making millions of dollars selling drugs, how do you...
01:22:06.000 You have to own laundromats or something.
01:22:09.000 You can't be like Pablo Escobar moving the money from the bottom to the top because it'll rot like fruit.
01:22:14.000 There's so many rats in there.
01:22:15.000 I was at a...
01:22:17.000 This is the best way to describe this.
01:22:19.000 I don't give anybody up.
01:22:20.000 I was at a...
01:22:25.000 We're good to go.
01:22:29.000 We're good to go.
01:22:39.000 But they sell them at this place.
01:22:41.000 And they were bringing out the money counter, a money counting machine.
01:22:46.000 Yeah, like Scarface.
01:22:48.000 Like Scarface.
01:22:49.000 This is how they were going to buy a car.
01:22:50.000 That's fantastic.
01:22:51.000 I guess if you're in the rap game, that's how they like to buy cars.
01:22:55.000 Sure.
01:22:55.000 They like to just throw a duffel bag full of cash and buy a car.
01:23:00.000 And then you're done.
01:23:01.000 Just like, no, I have to wait for the wire to come through.
01:23:04.000 No, here you go.
01:23:06.000 I used to work with a business manager who used to work with high-end sports, high-end athletes, and she's like, can we set this up or some transfer?
01:23:15.000 She's like, listen, you'll never make my job as hard as trying to get a Lamborghini dealer to open at midnight in Las Vegas.
01:23:23.000 Where a client wants to buy one.
01:23:25.000 Oh, right.
01:23:26.000 Like somebody wins.
01:23:27.000 Yeah.
01:23:27.000 And they go, hey, I want to buy a Lambo right now.
01:23:32.000 It's coked out of their fucking mind.
01:23:33.000 I'm going to get married.
01:23:34.000 I'm going to buy a Lambo.
01:23:35.000 Bright purple.
01:23:36.000 Who is that?
01:23:37.000 Picture.
01:23:37.000 This is Future.
01:23:38.000 He's a rapper.
01:23:38.000 This is him holding a million dollars in cash.
01:23:40.000 Future is very, very popular.
01:23:42.000 There's Future.
01:23:43.000 And it looks like he's got some stray hundreds in that ring finger.
01:23:46.000 They're slipping through his fingers.
01:23:48.000 Do you think he has a fuckhole cut in the money?
01:23:51.000 Right, he's fucking that money.
01:23:53.000 Well, his pants are down very low, as you notice.
01:23:56.000 Good point.
01:23:58.000 Yeah, he might have a fleshlight impaled into that stack of cash.
01:24:01.000 So he's got a million dollars in cash.
01:24:04.000 Mike Tyson, back in the height of his heavyweight reign, he used to carry something like $20,000 on him at all times.
01:24:12.000 It was something insane.
01:24:13.000 That's normal, isn't it?
01:24:14.000 For a rapper?
01:24:15.000 20 grand is life money.
01:24:17.000 But I'm talking the 80s.
01:24:19.000 I remember reading that in an article as a kid and being like, Christ!
01:24:22.000 And I went through two thoughts.
01:24:24.000 Isn't he afraid of getting robbed?
01:24:25.000 Of course not.
01:24:25.000 Of course not.
01:24:26.000 Who's going to rob Mike Tyson?
01:24:29.000 He's going to find you.
01:24:30.000 Unless you kill him.
01:24:32.000 He's going to sit on you and punch your head until it's jelly.
01:24:35.000 It says broke?
01:24:37.000 That was after 50 Cent filed for bankruptcy, right?
01:24:39.000 Because women were coming after him for child support.
01:24:42.000 So he said he was bankrupt.
01:24:44.000 But he also made hundreds of millions of dollars off of vitamin water.
01:24:48.000 Yeah, he made a killing with that vitamin water deal.
01:24:50.000 Yeah, he's got some weird bankruptcy thing.
01:24:53.000 It was child support?
01:24:54.000 Is that what got him in the end?
01:24:58.000 Vodka?
01:24:58.000 No, I don't think it got him.
01:25:00.000 I think he was avoiding it.
01:25:01.000 He never should have rapped, have a baby by me, baby.
01:25:04.000 Be a millionaire.
01:25:05.000 I'll write the check before the baby comes.
01:25:06.000 Who the fuck cares?
01:25:07.000 Is that what he said?
01:25:08.000 He said that.
01:25:08.000 I mean, you're setting yourself up there.
01:25:10.000 I guess he cares.
01:25:11.000 Yeah.
01:25:12.000 Well, the thing is, after a while, when you don't have a hit record out in like a decade...
01:25:17.000 Right.
01:25:18.000 You're like, hey, this shit could dry up.
01:25:20.000 Yeah.
01:25:21.000 Like, maybe I need to go bankrupt and stop paying these ladies.
01:25:24.000 He's...
01:25:27.000 It's a cash-only business.
01:25:28.000 He probably has it all hidden.
01:25:29.000 I don't know what he did.
01:25:31.000 The vitamin water thing isn't cash-only.
01:25:34.000 How do you make hundreds of millions of dollars and then say you're bankrupt?
01:25:37.000 I don't think he really is.
01:25:39.000 I think your theory is probably sound of him just being like, yeah!
01:25:44.000 I think it was literally because of that.
01:25:46.000 Someone was trying to hit him up either for alimony or child support.
01:25:50.000 He was like, I got an idea.
01:25:51.000 I'm just going to hire some financial wizards to work their sorcery.
01:25:57.000 Yeah.
01:25:57.000 Dig a hole, bear it in the ground.
01:25:59.000 It is weird that people give people money.
01:26:02.000 Like, you break up and you go, okay, well now you gotta give them money.
01:26:06.000 Like, I get it if you have a child to support, totally makes sense.
01:26:10.000 Right.
01:26:10.000 But like, if you dated someone for a couple years, and then you married them, and then while you're married, you made a million dollars, they didn't make anything, and you're like, hey, I want half that money.
01:26:19.000 Like, what?
01:26:19.000 It's very strange.
01:26:20.000 We're not together anymore.
01:26:21.000 Uh-huh.
01:26:21.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah, but I want money.
01:26:23.000 Yeah.
01:26:23.000 I want money from you.
01:26:24.000 It's like, sorry, are you going to do half my set on the road from now on?
01:26:28.000 No, no, no.
01:26:28.000 But I want you to support my lifestyle.
01:26:31.000 I'm used to a certain lifestyle.
01:26:32.000 That's another thing that gets me.
01:26:33.000 People are used to a certain lifestyle.
01:26:35.000 The guy who, Joan Collins, I don't know, 16th husband or something.
01:26:40.000 I remember that was his thing in court.
01:26:42.000 Like, Your Honor, my client has grown accustomed to a certain lifestyle.
01:26:46.000 And that was all over the news.
01:26:47.000 And I was just like, oh, come on, dude.
01:26:50.000 Custom.
01:26:50.000 Like, you can't change.
01:26:51.000 You cannot change.
01:26:52.000 Right.
01:26:53.000 There's no way you could live a middle-class life anymore.
01:26:56.000 Those days are done.
01:26:58.000 Okay?
01:26:58.000 It's upward.
01:26:59.000 It's only upward.
01:27:00.000 Well, you probably can't fly anything less than first class now, can you, probably?
01:27:05.000 Yeah, I fly Southwest sometimes.
01:27:07.000 Oh, you do?
01:27:07.000 Yeah.
01:27:07.000 Good for you.
01:27:08.000 Yeah.
01:27:08.000 It's just a fucking plane, man.
01:27:10.000 That's good.
01:27:11.000 But I know people that if they have to sit in front, like I remember when during the recession or something, there was some video of Puff Daddy getting on a plane and he was like, your boy isn't flying private.
01:27:24.000 We've got to fix these problems, man.
01:27:25.000 I've got to fly in first class.
01:27:26.000 And he's like, why would I give a shit?
01:27:28.000 Your boy isn't flying private.
01:27:30.000 Oh my god.
01:27:31.000 Yeah, it was amazing.
01:27:32.000 Thank you for tweeting about this.
01:27:34.000 I was worried about the government shutdown.
01:27:36.000 Well, and yelling at, and this was like 10 years ago, but like yelling at whoever's filming him on TMZ, and I think about the person that's in like Group D for that plane, where they call you and it's just like you and like a stray dog that gets let on the plane.
01:27:49.000 Was he saying he wasn't flying private because the money wasn't flowing in?
01:27:52.000 Because the economy was low.
01:27:53.000 Yeah, that was his point.
01:27:54.000 Yeah, and there's someone that's like, I used my last check to get on this plane to see about a job offer in Tulsa.
01:28:02.000 Oh, Jesus.
01:28:02.000 He's one of those guys.
01:28:04.000 He had some fucking billboard on Sunset that was like, can't stop, won't stop.
01:28:09.000 I was like, I already thought you stopped.
01:28:11.000 I didn't know you didn't stop.
01:28:13.000 That's his line.
01:28:14.000 I thought I told you that we don't stop.
01:28:16.000 Can't stop.
01:28:16.000 Won't stop.
01:28:17.000 I thought I told you that we don't stop.
01:28:18.000 We know.
01:28:19.000 You told us.
01:28:20.000 But I thought you stopped.
01:28:21.000 I haven't seen you in a while.
01:28:22.000 You didn't stop?
01:28:23.000 What's he been doing?
01:28:24.000 While he wasn't around, he didn't stop.
01:28:26.000 What does he do?
01:28:26.000 It was 2008 because the gas prices were too high so he stopped flying private.
01:28:30.000 That's what it was.
01:28:31.000 Thank you.
01:28:31.000 Gas prices.
01:28:32.000 It wasn't an economy.
01:28:33.000 Okay.
01:28:34.000 Got to fix his problems for Puff Daddy or P. Diddy or whatever it is.
01:28:38.000 If I was playing stadiums or something like that in 2008 and I got on a plane and yelled at it like a TMZ thing and someone just creased my brow with a brick, like just hit me in the face.
01:28:48.000 Right.
01:28:49.000 Earned.
01:28:49.000 Completely earned.
01:28:50.000 I don't think violence is the answer.
01:28:54.000 That's true.
01:28:54.000 I'm speaking dramatically, but, you know, it's almost like that guy, you ever been in line waiting to play and someone just starts playing music?
01:29:02.000 And you're like, come on, man.
01:29:04.000 Yeah.
01:29:04.000 Like those rolling speakers?
01:29:05.000 Dude, at the gym.
01:29:07.000 This is a thing that guys do at the gym.
01:29:09.000 They bring their own small speaker and overpower the music that's playing over the...
01:29:14.000 No.
01:29:15.000 Like, what the fuck is that?
01:29:16.000 That happened to Tony and I in Toronto.
01:29:17.000 We were like, what the fuck is this?
01:29:19.000 This guy's just playing this shitty music, like, really loud, like techno.
01:29:23.000 Ugh.
01:29:25.000 Brutal.
01:29:26.000 Yeah.
01:29:26.000 He brings his own music, and you gotta listen to him, because you're right next to the lat pull-down machine.
01:29:30.000 Fuck you, man.
01:29:32.000 Well, earbuds.
01:29:33.000 Yeah.
01:29:33.000 Just buy some earbuds.
01:29:35.000 Weird, man.
01:29:36.000 They're weird with their lack of appreciation for other people.
01:29:40.000 Yeah.
01:29:40.000 Well, the people that watch their iPads are like a phone and they watch something with the volume on.
01:29:46.000 And I've twice...
01:29:47.000 I'm not a very confrontational person, but I'm just like, hey, can you put some earbuds in?
01:29:51.000 And they're like, I don't have any.
01:29:52.000 I'm like, can you turn the sound off?
01:29:53.000 And they're like...
01:29:54.000 They give me a look like I said something like, you know, take your pants off.
01:29:59.000 Makes you feel more calm if you would take your pants off.
01:30:01.000 You know, like I said something that insane.
01:30:03.000 But they just look at me like, I gotta...
01:30:05.000 You're making people listen to your stupid shit.
01:30:09.000 It's just...
01:30:09.000 It's distracting.
01:30:11.000 It's grating.
01:30:12.000 What's weird is you'll go to a restaurant and you'll see two kids sitting opposite of each other with iPads.
01:30:18.000 They basically bring a portable television and they're both watching a different thing.
01:30:22.000 And it's like this sound, this conflicting sound of two child's programs.
01:30:29.000 Going back and forth with the kids on the opposite side of the table.
01:30:32.000 Loud.
01:30:32.000 I was at a restaurant the other day, and there was two children and two parents, and no one was talking to each other.
01:30:38.000 The dad was looking at his phone, the wife was looking at her phone, and two kids were looking at iPads, and no one was communicating.
01:30:44.000 They just sit in there.
01:30:45.000 Everyone looked depressed.
01:30:46.000 They were all fat.
01:30:47.000 They don't have game rooms anymore, though.
01:30:50.000 When I was growing up, we would go to a restaurant, get a dollar game room for an hour until the food came.
01:30:55.000 Yeah, a dollar for an hour?
01:30:57.000 What kind of time work were you living in?
01:31:00.000 You could play four games in an hour?
01:31:02.000 I didn't lose, Joe.
01:31:04.000 He was amazing.
01:31:05.000 He would kill it at Astroids.
01:31:07.000 You get free games, too.
01:31:08.000 Are you a pinball wizard?
01:31:10.000 No, the pinball is a little too old for me.
01:31:13.000 Pole position.
01:31:13.000 Hey, you know, ever since you were a young boy, you played a several ball.
01:31:16.000 Yeah.
01:31:17.000 It's coming back for sure.
01:31:18.000 There's like leagues and all sorts.
01:31:20.000 It's like made of retro.
01:31:21.000 Pinball is hard.
01:31:22.000 I know a dude who goes, yeah, he plays in pinball leagues.
01:31:26.000 That's so impressive to me.
01:31:27.000 Yeah, he's got pinball machines at his restaurant.
01:31:30.000 That's amazing.
01:31:30.000 Plays the shit out of pinball.
01:31:31.000 To be good at something like that, it's just...
01:31:33.000 Fruitless.
01:31:35.000 There's no future in it.
01:31:36.000 It is fruitless, but it's impressive.
01:31:38.000 It's like someone who's really good at lawn darts.
01:31:42.000 Nobody gives a fuck, bro.
01:31:44.000 There was a guy...
01:31:45.000 The king of lawn darts.
01:31:47.000 I'm the king of lawn darts, bro.
01:31:49.000 Yeah, like, hey, this is the world's strongest man.
01:31:51.000 That's great and all, but I'm the king of lawn darts.
01:31:54.000 I fucking rule.
01:31:55.000 I've given my life to lawn darts, bro.
01:31:57.000 Do you remember they used to be these big-ass weaponized lawn darts?
01:32:00.000 Oh, you could kill someone with them.
01:32:02.000 Lawn darts used to be like a small football with a dagger on the end.
01:32:05.000 And it would just come straight down.
01:32:07.000 Those hatchet throwing or axe throwing places have made a little bit of a resurgence, but I've seen them become unpopular now.
01:32:14.000 They're in all the media.
01:32:14.000 You know why?
01:32:16.000 Because girls in their underwear on Instagram are throwing hatchets.
01:32:19.000 Yeah.
01:32:20.000 Like Aubrey and his girlfriend, Whitney, are throwing hatchets at Targets in their underwear.
01:32:25.000 And men need a new way to be violent during drinking.
01:32:28.000 You know, like that's just throwing an axe or...
01:32:31.000 It's also very retro.
01:32:33.000 Yes.
01:32:33.000 Yeah, it's very Viking.
01:32:35.000 Do axes always land the right way?
01:32:39.000 That's what always freaks me out.
01:32:41.000 I feel like my handle would bounce off the wall and it would just fly somewhere weird.
01:32:45.000 In a movie, the guy grabs the knife by the blade like this, and it always lands with the blade in the body.
01:32:52.000 Imagine if someone threw a knife at you and the handle hit like this.
01:32:55.000 You're like, oh, bitch, you just gave me a free knife.
01:32:57.000 Thanks for throwing me this knife.
01:32:59.000 Now I'm going to hold onto the death grip and slide it into your rib cage.
01:33:02.000 I heard you mention this yesterday about someone, duels, that we're in a lot of duels.
01:33:06.000 I heard a stat I never knew about, that Andrew Jackson was in something like 100 duels.
01:33:12.000 What?
01:33:12.000 He only killed one person.
01:33:13.000 I thought he killed a lot of them.
01:33:15.000 You usually get shot in the arm, or like a musket ball would go...
01:33:20.000 So the one where he killed the guy, he actually, it was a, I forget the actual guy's name, but he was known as being a really good duel.
01:33:26.000 He killed lots of people, like 26 people or something like that.
01:33:29.000 So he challenged this guy, and he thought the only way to win would be to let him take the first shot.
01:33:35.000 So he let him take the first shot, got hit in the chest, was bleeding.
01:33:40.000 He covered the hole and then shot the guy and he died.
01:33:44.000 Whoa.
01:33:44.000 He shot him in the head.
01:33:45.000 He said he fell immediately and then died like a couple hours later.
01:33:48.000 I don't know if he was the president at the time, but the doctor said, like, I don't know how you stood and took that shot.
01:33:55.000 And he said, if he shot me in the brain, I was going to stand and take that shot to kill this guy.
01:34:00.000 I don't know if he said, like, motherfucker or whatever, but like...
01:34:02.000 Andrew Jackson was crazy.
01:34:03.000 He hated this guy.
01:34:03.000 He was a crazy dude.
01:34:04.000 Well, like where the statue of him is in Jackson Square in New Orleans, there's that church that's behind it.
01:34:10.000 And this is why New Orleans is supposedly the most haunted city is because they'd had the most duels.
01:34:16.000 Because once Andrew Jackson contacted Jean Lafitte and was like, I need an army.
01:34:21.000 And Jean Lafitte was basically a gangster, which is basically someone that can get you anything.
01:34:24.000 Like that's what a connected guy does.
01:34:26.000 And so he got him freed slaves, Native Americans, Creoles, Cajuns, and just, you know, angry men.
01:34:32.000 And they repelled the British, but then they stayed.
01:34:34.000 And they just lived in the bars, and they were duel happy because their egos were so big.
01:34:38.000 And I've looked for these, and I can't find them.
01:34:40.000 What they had was dueling cards, where if you had one, it would say, Joe Rogan, have your face.
01:34:45.000 You know, probably that image.
01:34:47.000 And it would say, you know, dueling card.
01:34:48.000 And someone bumped into you, and you were like, you just give them your card and be like, see you in the morning, motherfucker.
01:34:53.000 And that means we're shooting it out.
01:34:55.000 Whoa.
01:34:56.000 You would duel over nothing.
01:34:57.000 And the guy, I went on this ghost tour, and the guy told me this story.
01:35:02.000 And he said, imagine the amount of guys who were hungover woke up like, oh, fuck, what did I do?
01:35:07.000 I got a duel now.
01:35:09.000 And you'd go behind that cemetery.
01:35:11.000 That's where they'd have their duel.
01:35:12.000 And imagine laying there with a bullet or a piece of round lead in your liver and going like, I'm dead over this shit.
01:35:18.000 Like, I stepped on my foot.
01:35:20.000 Okay.
01:35:20.000 They'd keep cards.
01:35:21.000 Like dueling cards.
01:35:23.000 This is just like a picture of one.
01:35:24.000 They also said that a lot of times the duel wouldn't actually happen.
01:35:28.000 Like they might not actually shoot.
01:35:29.000 It was more of a test of will.
01:35:31.000 Of like, will you go through with it?
01:35:34.000 Yeah, it was all honor.
01:35:35.000 And they'd have to bring a second guy to verify that the duel actually went down and someone was a pussy or whatever.
01:35:40.000 That guy's got a book.
01:35:40.000 I'm serious.
01:35:41.000 He's like the judge of the event.
01:35:42.000 He's got a book.
01:35:44.000 He's laying odds.
01:35:47.000 He's like, ah.
01:35:48.000 I think there's certain states where duels are legal.
01:35:50.000 I think they're still legal in Arizona, or they used to be, because there was a cop who shot someone in a duel years back.
01:35:57.000 Really?
01:35:58.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.
01:35:58.000 It was a weird thing.
01:36:00.000 A cop was off-duty, and he shot someone in a duel.
01:36:05.000 Oh, man, I want to say this is more than 10 years ago, so maybe they changed the law.
01:36:08.000 But I remember reading that going, what?
01:36:11.000 You duel?
01:36:12.000 That's insane.
01:36:13.000 Texas?
01:36:14.000 Well, yeah, of course.
01:36:15.000 Fists only.
01:36:16.000 What's that?
01:36:16.000 Fists only.
01:36:17.000 Oh, that ain't a fucking duel.
01:36:19.000 What is that?
01:36:20.000 Mutual combat law.
01:36:21.000 How do you take 10 patients in mutual combat law?
01:36:23.000 Washington State has mutual combat law.
01:36:26.000 Because I know I watched a video of this dude who was a MMA fighter.
01:36:31.000 He used to dress up like a superhero and fuck people up.
01:36:34.000 He would like stop people from committing crimes and then fight them.
01:36:39.000 And then one video, Carlos Fodor, I think his name was, he was fighting someone in Seattle in front of cops.
01:36:48.000 Like, some guy agreed to fight him, and then you see right away what a terrible idea it is.
01:36:52.000 And he leg kicks the guy, and the guy's got this look on his face like, oh my god, you actually know how to fight.
01:36:56.000 Yeah.
01:36:57.000 And he beats the shit out of this guy.
01:36:58.000 Phoenix Jones.
01:36:59.000 Yeah, that's what he'd call himself.
01:37:00.000 Phoenix Jones.
01:37:00.000 But look how he dressed.
01:37:01.000 But watch this.
01:37:02.000 There's a video of it.
01:37:03.000 You can see it on that one, too.
01:37:04.000 This is exactly it.
01:37:05.000 Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
01:37:06.000 So...
01:37:06.000 The guy's like, fuck you, oh, fucking kick your ass.
01:37:09.000 And this is in front of the cops.
01:37:10.000 He's like, fuck you.
01:37:11.000 And he's like, you know, you think you're going to fuck?
01:37:14.000 And he's wearing this superhero costume on.
01:37:16.000 And he's like, give me some violence.
01:37:19.000 He's telling him to back up.
01:37:20.000 The guy's walking towards him.
01:37:22.000 We're on University Way between 45th and 47th.
01:37:26.000 Suspect wearing an orange shirt.
01:37:28.000 So you see him wearing that outfit, and you think, oh, I could kick this guy's ass for sure.
01:37:34.000 Yeah, this guy's a clown.
01:37:35.000 This fucking cosplay dork.
01:37:37.000 But watch that.
01:37:38.000 Skip ahead.
01:37:40.000 He's like, okay.
01:37:43.000 So the guy wouldn't stop badgering him, and then finally, in front of the cops, they agreed to let these dudes duke it out.
01:37:50.000 Holy shit.
01:37:52.000 That's it right there.
01:37:52.000 Let it go there.
01:37:53.000 Watch this.
01:37:55.000 Oh, that's when you know you made a mistake.
01:37:57.000 That first leg kick, you see the guy moving around.
01:38:01.000 And again, you got a useless, and he's trying to kick too.
01:38:08.000 He jabbed him to the body.
01:38:10.000 Oh, you fucked up.
01:38:11.000 Wow.
01:38:13.000 God, this guy's life.
01:38:14.000 That leg's done.
01:38:16.000 That leg's done.
01:38:17.000 That third leg kick's a real problem.
01:38:24.000 Oh, the fourth leg kick.
01:38:28.000 That guy is basically hopping around on one leg.
01:38:30.000 Now it's a beating.
01:38:32.000 That's it.
01:38:33.000 That's a wrap.
01:38:37.000 Mutual combat, you're right.
01:38:38.000 Yeah, it's a mutual combat law.
01:38:40.000 Holy shit.
01:38:41.000 And cops are standing by watching this guy get brained.
01:38:45.000 Yeah.
01:38:45.000 That's what's crazy is like it's very irresponsible for the cops because that's not a good fighting surface.
01:38:50.000 Yeah.
01:38:51.000 They should have a padded area that they set aside.
01:38:54.000 There's a great line from a Bukowski novel where these guys are all gathering after like a night out or something and this guy's hungover and he's just like, He's like, I heard you got in a fight.
01:39:04.000 And he's just like, oh man, that guy had to be a pro.
01:39:07.000 Beat me so bad I shit myself.
01:39:09.000 That line always gets me.
01:39:10.000 Because it's that thing where it's like, when you fight someone who's whatever, okay, it's a fight.
01:39:14.000 But when you fight a pro, it's just done.
01:39:16.000 Well, it's like playing basketball if you don't know how to play basketball.
01:39:19.000 Yes.
01:39:20.000 What a terrible thing.
01:39:22.000 Y'all play some one-on-one, and you don't even know how to dribble.
01:39:25.000 Yeah, yeah.
01:39:25.000 And this guy's dunking on you.
01:39:26.000 I'm like, shit!
01:39:27.000 That's what it's like.
01:39:28.000 Why did I agree to this?
01:39:29.000 Is there a state where it's legal to duel?
01:39:33.000 No.
01:39:33.000 But there's no firearm duel?
01:39:35.000 How long ago was it still legal?
01:39:38.000 The late 1800s, I believe.
01:39:40.000 So maybe this guy did it.
01:39:41.000 He was a cop.
01:39:43.000 He had a duel with a guy who was fucking his wife.
01:39:46.000 Whoa.
01:39:47.000 Yeah.
01:39:47.000 That's what's up.
01:39:50.000 He just killed the guy?
01:39:52.000 I don't know.
01:39:52.000 I don't remember the story entirely.
01:39:54.000 He definitely killed somebody.
01:39:56.000 Jesus.
01:39:57.000 He was a cop.
01:39:58.000 I remember the whole story being that it was very controversial, but it was legal.
01:40:02.000 Maybe I'm remembering it all fucked up.
01:40:07.000 Might have been more than 10 years ago.
01:40:11.000 Five places where it's okay to shoot someone?
01:40:13.000 Not the United States.
01:40:14.000 Oh.
01:40:14.000 Okay.
01:40:15.000 Yeah, it's like international waters.
01:40:16.000 International waters.
01:40:17.000 You could have a duel on a cruise ship.
01:40:20.000 Sure.
01:40:20.000 How does that work?
01:40:21.000 Like if you're on one of them carnival cruises and some guy insults your name and throws jello at you?
01:40:25.000 The laws of the ship are whichever country it's registered to.
01:40:27.000 I didn't even think of that.
01:40:27.000 I know about the international waters, but a cruise ship would be out and that's nuts.
01:40:32.000 You know what I worry about cruise ships?
01:40:34.000 That I would be on the deck when some guy throws his wife off the side of the boat.
01:40:37.000 Right.
01:40:38.000 And you've got to do something.
01:40:40.000 Yeah.
01:40:40.000 Because that does happen.
01:40:42.000 Oh, yeah.
01:40:42.000 Husband and wife went on a cruise.
01:40:43.000 The wife went missing.
01:40:45.000 I don't know what happened.
01:40:45.000 I went to bed early.
01:40:47.000 Patricia kept partying.
01:40:48.000 Yeah, we had an argument, but we were deeply in love.
01:40:50.000 And we had a couple of drinks.
01:40:53.000 I know people saw us screaming, and I might have slapped her a couple times, but boy, I love her, and her disappearing.
01:40:59.000 And what's fucked up, I learned from a buddy of mine who was on, he was with the Second City Touring Company, or Turco, and they were on a cruise ship, and he was telling me that they found out that, like, all the food you don't eat, they grind it all up and just shoot it out in the water.
01:41:14.000 So that attracts game fish, and the game fish attracts sharks.
01:41:17.000 So anytime there's a cruise ship, there's just sharks all the time.
01:41:20.000 All the time.
01:41:21.000 Really?
01:41:22.000 Yeah.
01:41:22.000 So if you went overboard, there's not a lot of hope.
01:41:27.000 Oh, good Christ.
01:41:28.000 Yeah.
01:41:28.000 Did you see that video of that woman in Hawaii swimming around with the largest known great white shark?
01:41:34.000 No.
01:41:35.000 It's amazing.
01:41:36.000 It's a more than 20 foot long great white shark.
01:41:40.000 And this is not like guesswork.
01:41:42.000 She's just swimming around?
01:41:43.000 Swimming with it.
01:41:44.000 Yeah, in the water swimming with it.
01:41:46.000 Yeah, she's got an Instagram page just filled with photos of her and this shark.
01:41:52.000 Fuck me.
01:41:52.000 Off Oahu.
01:41:53.000 It's so big.
01:41:54.000 It's so big it doesn't even look real.
01:41:57.000 And she's just swimming alongside this thing.
01:41:59.000 It's a female shark.
01:42:01.000 It's like 20 feet long at least.
01:42:03.000 So she just saw it and just swum up?
01:42:05.000 I think she's like an expert.
01:42:07.000 Oh, okay.
01:42:08.000 See if you can find that.
01:42:10.000 I got stuck in another article about the duel.
01:42:12.000 Sorry to go back.
01:42:13.000 Sorry.
01:42:14.000 U.S. Oregon has a law that they were trying to get rid of two years ago.
01:42:19.000 I don't know.
01:42:20.000 I'm trying to find out where they currently are.
01:42:21.000 Why's that guy got his gun where his dick is?
01:42:23.000 That's a stupid place to put your gun.
01:42:24.000 That's a bad holster, sir.
01:42:26.000 But it's still that Republicans have proposed to scrap a 172-year-old ban on duels for public officials.
01:42:32.000 I know.
01:42:33.000 In an attempt to highlight how many arcane laws are still upheld by the state constitution.
01:42:37.000 That's where I'm from.
01:42:38.000 I never knew I could have been dueling all this on my whole childhood.
01:42:41.000 Well, no, they're trying to scrap the ban.
01:42:45.000 So they're trying to reinstate bans to let people know how stupid these old laws are that are still in the books.
01:42:50.000 They decided it would not be very civil if two members of this legislature disagreed and then shot each other on the front steps of the provisional capital.
01:42:59.000 It's a bad look.
01:43:00.000 It's a bad look.
01:43:02.000 Yeah.
01:43:02.000 It'd kind of be cool, though, to see, like, Ted Cruz and Paul Ryan.
01:43:06.000 Yeah.
01:43:07.000 Like, standing on...
01:43:07.000 Back-to-back.
01:43:08.000 Yeah.
01:43:09.000 They have to use the muskets with, like, one cock, and that's it.
01:43:13.000 Yes.
01:43:13.000 One shot, and that's it.
01:43:15.000 I like, in the upper right-hand corner, MAGA hat boy refuses to apologize in an infuriating interview.
01:43:22.000 That kid looked drugged and coached.
01:43:24.000 Like, he was just...
01:43:24.000 Probably both.
01:43:25.000 Yeah.
01:43:26.000 They probably put him on some Prozac.
01:43:27.000 Get out there, little fella.
01:43:29.000 Apparently, that Native American guy, though, they did an interview with him, and it was a disaster because he said a bunch of things that just absolutely weren't true, and they're questioning whether or not he actually was in Vietnam.
01:43:39.000 He definitely didn't serve in Vietnam, but he wasn't in combat.
01:43:43.000 Right.
01:43:44.000 But, you know, he had some...
01:43:46.000 Some conflicting stories.
01:43:48.000 Okay.
01:43:49.000 None of these people were prepared for this kind of attention.
01:43:52.000 You know, it's like I was offended as hell by those kids, and I'm a fucking big old bleeding heart lefty for sure, and I hate those fucking hats, but like...
01:44:02.000 At the same time, every teenage boy is a fucking idiot.
01:44:07.000 Everyone.
01:44:07.000 But those boys were standing there doing their school chants while these...
01:44:12.000 There's a long video, and the video's two hours long.
01:44:15.000 I haven't watched it, but I've watched segments of it.
01:44:18.000 And in the segments of it, you see those Native American guys walk up to those boys and chant with their drums.
01:44:23.000 So they're all there for different reasons.
01:44:25.000 Yeah.
01:44:25.000 So the boys were there for the March for Life, which is a pro-life march.
01:44:30.000 Right.
01:44:30.000 And they're from a Catholic school.
01:44:32.000 Yeah.
01:44:32.000 And they're wearing their stupid red hats.
01:44:33.000 And then the Native American guy was there for a different reason.
01:44:37.000 Yeah.
01:44:37.000 Well, there were a couple.
01:44:38.000 It was a Native American celebration that's there yearly.
01:44:42.000 And you'd think they'd coordinate these things because there's all these different sort of marches going on.
01:44:49.000 And that's our right as citizens.
01:44:51.000 But it's just that they're all the Lincoln Memorial together.
01:44:54.000 Right.
01:44:54.000 Well, not only that, these boys did not have a good chaperone.
01:44:59.000 These boys were wild.
01:45:00.000 They said something like, it's not rape if you enjoy it.
01:45:04.000 If you enjoy it.
01:45:04.000 Yeah, one kid yelled that.
01:45:05.000 And again, by the way, there's 40 kids.
01:45:08.000 If you have one asshole kid, it doesn't mean everybody should be beat up because one of your stupid fucking classmates says something really dumb because he thinks he's funny and he's 15. I sat in an assembly once where a friend of mine was in Chicago, and a friend of mine was doing a play,
01:45:23.000 and they were doing a scene from the play on stage, and a woman would come on stage, and these boys, I'm behind them, and they're saying the worst shit I can imagine.
01:45:32.000 And it's just like, Jesus Christ!
01:45:35.000 And it's the race to the bottom with boys, where it's like, who can say the worst thing?
01:45:40.000 I can.
01:45:40.000 I can.
01:45:41.000 I can yell the N-word.
01:45:43.000 Shows your tits!
01:45:44.000 Yeah.
01:45:45.000 They're just trying to make each other laugh.
01:45:47.000 Because what's the worst thing?
01:45:49.000 Rape.
01:45:49.000 And so this kid's going to yell something about rape.
01:45:53.000 They're children.
01:45:55.000 Yeah.
01:45:55.000 I do feel they need better supervision.
01:45:58.000 But here's the thing.
01:45:59.000 They do, for sure.
01:46:00.000 But they shouldn't be judged publicly on a global scale like this.
01:46:03.000 It's not fair.
01:46:04.000 Yeah.
01:46:05.000 I mean, I disagree with pretty much everything them and their parents stand for and stuff, but...
01:46:11.000 It's their right to demonstrate, you know what I mean?
01:46:15.000 They're too young to know what the fuck they're even demonstrating about to really have a good argument about it.
01:46:22.000 To bring kids to a pro-life demonstration and have them chant and yell their school songs and put on MAGA hats.
01:46:30.000 The whole thing is so fucked up.
01:46:31.000 It's really—well, we're—I mean, back to what I said about anxiety.
01:46:34.000 It's just we're at each other's fucking throats.
01:46:37.000 I mean, I have a bit in my act about how, like, I feel like the internet was built for us to tear each other apart because we're just throwing darts and running away.
01:46:46.000 And if you put us in a room together and talk it out, I think we would, mano a mano.
01:46:53.000 We all want the same thing deep down inside.
01:46:57.000 We all want to take care of our kids.
01:46:58.000 We all want to have fun.
01:46:59.000 We all want a bountiful life.
01:47:01.000 But I also say, I'm also like, I love people, but I fucking hate people.
01:47:07.000 It's like if you go through a whole day without speaking to another human being, you ever had one of those days?
01:47:12.000 Fuck, that was awesome isolation.
01:47:14.000 That was delicious.
01:47:15.000 It's only if you have too much though, right?
01:47:17.000 If you get around people too much, then those days where you just, you can just recharge.
01:47:22.000 Yeah.
01:47:22.000 And then you appreciate people when you see them.
01:47:23.000 Yeah.
01:47:24.000 And like, do you get that where you go to, you're on the way to the comedy store and you're like, I don't want to fucking go.
01:47:29.000 Like, I don't want to go up right now.
01:47:30.000 I'm like, something's messed with me.
01:47:31.000 But it's like that with therapy.
01:47:34.000 Comedy sometimes, and the gym sometimes.
01:47:36.000 Where it's like, I don't want to fucking go, but every time I'm glad I did.
01:47:39.000 You know what I mean?
01:47:40.000 Yeah, I know what you're saying.
01:47:41.000 I could have a set where I'd eat shit, and I'll drive home laughing.
01:47:44.000 And I'm just like, well, that didn't work.
01:47:46.000 The thing that bothers me most about this is that they want to dox these kids and put their address out there.
01:47:51.000 I'm not in favor of that, ever.
01:47:52.000 It's just so foolish.
01:47:54.000 Ever.
01:47:54.000 They're treating them like they're rational adults that are, you know, fucking 50 years old that really know what they're doing.
01:48:01.000 No, and it's not going to solve anything.
01:48:03.000 You're not going to convert these kids' hearts and minds by ruining their lives.
01:48:06.000 No.
01:48:06.000 You know?
01:48:07.000 I do understand the double standard we have had with, like, black youth, though, where it's kind of like, you know, this kid gets strangled to death for selling cigarettes.
01:48:15.000 Be like, yeah, he's a criminal.
01:48:16.000 It's like, goddammit.
01:48:17.000 You know, whereas these kids, honestly, because they're white, are getting chance after chance after chance.
01:48:22.000 But...
01:48:22.000 I don't think their lives should be ruined.
01:48:24.000 It's like, I feel like we've talked enough about it.
01:48:26.000 These kids did what they did.
01:48:28.000 Let's move on.
01:48:29.000 Yeah, well then, you know, who knows if they're getting chance after chance.
01:48:32.000 But during this situation, like, this is the consequences of social media.
01:48:37.000 The fact that you could take a video of someone doing something incredibly stupid when they're 16 years old.
01:48:41.000 Oh, yeah.
01:48:41.000 And what they did was not even that stupid.
01:48:43.000 All they did was stand there and smirk.
01:48:44.000 And people wanted him dead.
01:48:46.000 He was being a shithead.
01:48:48.000 Okay, but was he?
01:48:49.000 If he's just standing there and someone comes up to him beating a drum?
01:48:52.000 How are you supposed to react?
01:48:53.000 How do you think you would react?
01:48:54.000 I feel like the kid walked up to the Native Americans, though.
01:48:56.000 No, incorrect.
01:48:57.000 Incorrect.
01:48:58.000 The kid was standing there.
01:48:59.000 The Native American walked up to him beating the drum.
01:49:02.000 Okay.
01:49:02.000 Got right up to his face.
01:49:03.000 That's another video.
01:49:03.000 That's not what happened.
01:49:04.000 What do you mean?
01:49:05.000 That kid wasn't in the video while the Native American gentleman was standing there pounding his drum.
01:49:10.000 There are kids around him, but that kid, the main kid, wasn't there.
01:49:14.000 He walked.
01:49:14.000 He ended up walking up to him.
01:49:16.000 Okay, but the video that I saw, the kid was standing there, and that guy walked up to him.
01:49:21.000 Here's the thing.
01:49:22.000 This is two hours.
01:49:25.000 There's video of these people that's two hours long.
01:49:28.000 And the video that I saw, those kids were standing there chanting and that guy walked to those kids and was beating his drum.
01:49:35.000 If that one specific kid walked down, but still that guy instigated it by walking to them beating the drum.
01:49:43.000 Not only that, that guy got in that kid's face and beat that drum inches away from his face.
01:49:49.000 I'm only talking about that kid.
01:49:51.000 I thought that kid walked up to the Native American guy.
01:49:54.000 I'm not sure.
01:49:54.000 The Native American guy walked up to the whole group of kids.
01:49:57.000 To be fair, I haven't seen all of that video.
01:49:59.000 The Native American guy said that they were saying, build that wall, build that wall, but there's no evidence of that.
01:50:05.000 The problem is the guy's a human.
01:50:08.000 The Native American guy's a human, right?
01:50:10.000 Yeah.
01:50:10.000 And he's probably...
01:50:12.000 Not prepared at all for this kind of scrutiny.
01:50:14.000 No way.
01:50:14.000 No one is.
01:50:15.000 There was an interview that he did with CNN that is just full of holes.
01:50:19.000 Okay.
01:50:19.000 And it doesn't match up to the video.
01:50:21.000 It doesn't match up to what happened.
01:50:25.000 You can pull that article.
01:50:28.000 But you try to find that article, the CNN article.
01:50:32.000 There was an article about the article that I read.
01:50:35.000 Either way.
01:50:36.000 Yeah, I'm just inundated at this point with all of it.
01:50:39.000 I will say, like, you know, I've said for years, probably 15, 20 years now, I'm so glad YouTube did not exist when I was in high school.
01:50:48.000 Oh my god.
01:50:49.000 Or anything.
01:50:50.000 Facebook, Twitter, the things you would say on Twitter, Snapchat, or any of those things.
01:50:56.000 Yeah, and I mean, I did not grow up like my parents' generation being mildly racist if you're white.
01:51:06.000 I grew up pretty woke, as the kids say, in Portland, Oregon.
01:51:10.000 Well, you were in Chicago.
01:51:11.000 Chicago's pretty left-wing.
01:51:12.000 Well, Chicago, I wasn't there until...
01:51:14.000 I was born in Chicago, but I grew up in Portland.
01:51:16.000 Oh, that's even more woke.
01:51:18.000 Yeah.
01:51:18.000 Yeah, but it was also—it's funny.
01:51:21.000 We had right-wing Nazi groups moving in when I was in high school, gangs from L.A. and then from Central Oregon and further toward Idaho.
01:51:31.000 You had this guy named Metzger who had like a little camp you could go party in.
01:51:37.000 If you've seen American History X, it was just like that.
01:51:39.000 You'd drink free beer and they'd play punk rock music.
01:51:41.000 And the thing that— Everyone misses when they look at those groups, be it a gang or a white supremacist skinhead group or whatever.
01:51:49.000 It's a community for people, and that's where they look at it first.
01:51:54.000 And then they form communities, sadly, overfocusing hate.
01:51:57.000 But I just feel like...
01:51:59.000 The kids back here.
01:52:00.000 Yeah.
01:52:00.000 Which kid?
01:52:03.000 So they're all...
01:52:05.000 They walked up to them banging the drums...
01:52:09.000 And he's standing there.
01:52:11.000 Okay.
01:52:11.000 There's a kid.
01:52:13.000 Right, but he's just standing there.
01:52:15.000 The guy walked right up to him.
01:52:16.000 You're showing me in the video, the guy walking up to the kid.
01:52:19.000 This is exactly what I said, Jamie.
01:52:21.000 He walked right up to the kid.
01:52:22.000 My point here was this is the video I saw.
01:52:24.000 I mean, aren't these kids all mocking the traditional Native American music and rhythms, though?
01:52:29.000 That Native American guy just walked up to that kid and got in his face.
01:52:34.000 It's as clear as day.
01:52:35.000 I was just bringing up this angle here.
01:52:37.000 He's standing here.
01:52:38.000 There's a group of kids around him.
01:52:40.000 The kid's way over here.
01:52:41.000 You're micromanaging this thing.
01:52:42.000 It doesn't make any sense.
01:52:42.000 This is the worst Zapruder film.
01:52:44.000 They walked up to the kids.
01:52:45.000 He walked up to the kids.
01:52:47.000 And he walked up to that kid specifically.
01:52:49.000 Got in his face.
01:52:50.000 There was a certain amount of separation between them.
01:52:52.000 He walked to the kid and got in his face while he was beating the drum.
01:52:56.000 Play it again.
01:52:57.000 I'm playing it right now.
01:52:58.000 He's walking.
01:53:00.000 He's walking, and the kid's standing there, and when the kid's standing there, he walks up to the kid.
01:53:07.000 And they're doing the tomahawk chop.
01:53:09.000 They think it's funny.
01:53:10.000 Do they understand that people are filming?
01:53:13.000 They don't.
01:53:14.000 So, here he goes.
01:53:18.000 The whole thing is so strange.
01:53:19.000 So strange.
01:53:20.000 Because what are you supposed to do when someone walks up to you beating a drum?
01:53:24.000 So there's the kid, the kid's standing there, and the Native American guy now walks up to him completely violating his space.
01:53:31.000 Now imagine if this is a man doing this to a woman.
01:53:35.000 You'd say, okay, he's violating her space 100%.
01:53:38.000 This is fucked up and aggressive.
01:53:40.000 And that's what this guy's doing.
01:53:41.000 He's singing in this kid's face.
01:53:43.000 It's a little kid.
01:53:45.000 And what is the kid supposed to do?
01:53:46.000 I don't know.
01:53:47.000 Should he walk away?
01:53:48.000 Should he say, I'm sorry that someone in the past stole your ancestor's land?
01:53:54.000 What is he supposed to do?
01:53:55.000 Yeah, I mean, it's...
01:53:56.000 No, I'm not saying, yes, do that.
01:53:58.000 I'm saying, what is the...
01:53:59.000 Like, the question is, what does a kid do?
01:54:00.000 But, I mean, it's just...
01:54:02.000 He's...
01:54:03.000 I get why this guy's approaching because it's a river of people mocking him and his culture.
01:54:09.000 I get it, but why this one kid?
01:54:10.000 And why get right in this guy's face where you're beating a drum inches from this kid's face?
01:54:15.000 Yeah, that is the question.
01:54:16.000 And look, it's the fucking hat, man.
01:54:19.000 That goddamn polarizing stupid hat.
01:54:21.000 I hate that hat so much.
01:54:22.000 Look, he's even closer to him.
01:54:23.000 He's put the drum off to the side so he can get closer to this kid's face.
01:54:28.000 I mean, is he expecting the kid to walk away?
01:54:30.000 I don't know.
01:54:30.000 But the kid doesn't do anything, but he's blinking because the beating of the drum is so close to his eyes.
01:54:38.000 It's weird.
01:54:39.000 Yeah.
01:54:41.000 The whole thing is very weird.
01:54:43.000 So weird.
01:54:44.000 Staring that kid down.
01:54:45.000 I mean, why wouldn't he walk away?
01:54:48.000 Just to defy him.
01:54:49.000 Why would he?
01:54:49.000 I don't know.
01:54:50.000 Everyone else walked away.
01:54:51.000 But does he have to?
01:54:52.000 Doesn't have to.
01:54:52.000 I mean, he's standing there and the guy decides to get in his face.
01:54:55.000 Do you think you would walk away?
01:54:56.000 Probably.
01:54:57.000 Maybe.
01:54:57.000 If someone walked away.
01:54:58.000 Because the camera was there.
01:54:58.000 If that guy walked up on me, I would definitely move, I think.
01:55:02.000 I would probably move too because I would be scared.
01:55:04.000 If that guy got in my face like that, I'd think that guy's going to hit me.
01:55:07.000 I would think something's going to go wrong.
01:55:09.000 I'm like, this is just too weird.
01:55:11.000 Yeah, but it's not the kids.
01:55:13.000 He's 16, man.
01:55:14.000 It's a grown-up's fault for getting in a 16-year-old kid's face beating a drum.
01:55:18.000 Yeah.
01:55:21.000 That fucking hat, man.
01:55:23.000 Yeah, but it's also the Native American man rightly felt like he was being mocked.
01:55:27.000 Yeah.
01:55:28.000 And that his traditions and his heritage is being mocked by these little kids.
01:55:33.000 Yeah, I mean, I don't think he had the right to walk up on the kid like that, but it's like, where's your breaking point?
01:55:38.000 Well, wait a minute.
01:55:38.000 I don't think he doesn't have the right...
01:55:41.000 But this is where confrontation comes from.
01:55:43.000 Do you have the right to make confrontation?
01:55:45.000 Yeah, maybe, perhaps.
01:55:46.000 Maybe, perhaps.
01:55:46.000 But that's not really the best way to communicate.
01:55:49.000 You're singing a song, a Native American song, and he doesn't know what the fuck you're singing.
01:55:53.000 Right.
01:55:53.000 And you're doing it inches from his face.
01:55:55.000 Yeah.
01:55:56.000 And everyone's...
01:55:56.000 It's really a sign of the times that people took clips of that and they made it out like this little kid's a cunt and even Reza Aslan had on his...
01:56:03.000 Have you ever seen a more punchable face?
01:56:06.000 Like, man...
01:56:07.000 You're calling for violence on a kid?
01:56:09.000 Is that what you're doing?
01:56:10.000 It's the same, you know, level of...
01:56:14.000 And again, you know, those kids, like, even when you were pulling that clip up, I could feel my stomach make a fist from like, oh, this just...
01:56:20.000 I don't want to see this, but...
01:56:25.000 It's like that kid at the Cub game who had the game in his earphones and he caught the ball, which the outfielder was definitely not going to catch anyway, and they blamed him for the Cubs' loss of the series and they had to squirt that kid out.
01:56:40.000 I thought the kid reached forward, though.
01:56:42.000 He did, but if you look at the tape, I don't think that outfielder had it.
01:56:46.000 The outfielder was pointing like, you fucked up, kid.
01:56:48.000 Like, you ruined it.
01:56:49.000 And it was kind of this, well, I understand, when you're playing Major League ball, one mistake could mean the end of your career and your family's out.
01:56:54.000 I don't know, man.
01:56:55.000 I think that's different.
01:56:56.000 When I saw that, I thought that kid fucked up the game.
01:57:00.000 It could be argued, yes.
01:57:01.000 Do you know what I'm talking about?
01:57:02.000 Absolutely.
01:57:02.000 Yeah, but that's like, you're saying it's blaming one tiny play on the entire game and you can't do that.
01:57:07.000 And the fact that, back to your point of punch the kid in the face, that kid had to be escorted out of Wrigley Field because people were going to kill him.
01:57:15.000 There were drunk people that were going to throw that kid into traffic.
01:57:18.000 Can we see that video of the guy catching that ball?
01:57:20.000 Yeah, please pull that up.
01:57:21.000 I think that kid actually did fuck up that game.
01:57:24.000 I think the difference is that kid reached into the playing field.
01:57:27.000 What he did was definitely wrong and illegal and everything.
01:57:32.000 Yeah, let's check it out.
01:57:33.000 Tail of the tape.
01:57:36.000 Crack!
01:57:37.000 There's the ball!
01:57:38.000 It's going!
01:57:39.000 It's going!
01:57:39.000 It's going!
01:57:42.000 Wait a minute.
01:57:44.000 Let me see, one more time.
01:57:45.000 Back that up.
01:57:45.000 Back that up.
01:57:46.000 No, no, no, but just back it up.
01:57:47.000 Okay, so it's slow.
01:57:49.000 Okay.
01:57:54.000 I mean, I think I take it back.
01:57:58.000 I had, I had, I think...
01:58:01.000 Hey, one more time, man.
01:58:02.000 I think I remembered it wrong.
01:58:05.000 Oh, yeah, they stole it from him.
01:58:06.000 They stole it from him.
01:58:07.000 Fuck, I take it all back.
01:58:08.000 He had the ball.
01:58:09.000 I take it all back.
01:58:10.000 That kid fucked it up.
01:58:11.000 Yeah.
01:58:12.000 They literally did.
01:58:13.000 He took it.
01:58:14.000 He literally took it from him in the playing field.
01:58:17.000 Ah, you little cunt.
01:58:20.000 He's got spray on him.
01:58:22.000 People probably threw beers on him.
01:58:24.000 Probably.
01:58:25.000 It was the thing of threatening a kid's life.
01:58:28.000 That's crazy.
01:58:28.000 But also, if you're a kid and the ball's right there, you're going to reach for it.
01:58:34.000 You're not going to be thinking this guy's going to catch or not going to catch it.
01:58:37.000 You have the chance to catch the ball.
01:58:39.000 It's right there.
01:58:40.000 You're going to catch it.
01:58:42.000 Did you see that clip from Letterman from like, I don't know, 30 years ago or something?
01:58:48.000 It was like the lineup was this famous person, this famous person, and just a rando, like a name.
01:58:53.000 You're like, who?
01:58:54.000 And he brought this guy out, and it was like a middle-aged guy in a ball cap.
01:58:59.000 Letterman's like, you know, I just...
01:59:00.000 I think you're the greatest living American.
01:59:02.000 And the guy's like, ah, well.
01:59:03.000 And he's like, roll the tape.
01:59:05.000 And they show, just like that, home run.
01:59:08.000 And it's going, it's going, it's going.
01:59:09.000 And this guy just has a beer and he's not looking.
01:59:12.000 And you hear the announcer go, oh my god.
01:59:14.000 And the ball hits the beer.
01:59:15.000 And the guy's like, he gets hit.
01:59:16.000 And he's like, oh shit.
01:59:18.000 And everyone's kind of laughing at him.
01:59:19.000 He's like, home run.
01:59:20.000 There goes my beer.
01:59:21.000 And then innings later, same line, same run, same guy.
01:59:28.000 And the announcer goes, you have got to be kidding.
01:59:31.000 And the ball just hits the same guy, like, again.
01:59:34.000 Like, twice, same game.
01:59:36.000 Letterman had him on.
01:59:38.000 And it was like, you know, minor league or something like that.
01:59:41.000 Like, you'd never...
01:59:41.000 It wouldn't be on, like, the nightly news.
01:59:43.000 But it was just like, what are the fucking odds?
01:59:46.000 How many people have ever been hit in the head by a line drive?
01:59:49.000 I would imagine that would fuck you up.
01:59:51.000 That would hurt.
01:59:52.000 Like, you'd be so...
01:59:53.000 You'd probably never be the same again.
01:59:54.000 No.
01:59:56.000 Because when I was a kid, Tony Conigliaro in Boston during the Red Sox, it was actually like I was very young at the time.
02:00:04.000 It might actually have happened before I lived there, but it was like the story that everybody was told.
02:00:08.000 He got hit in the head with a pitch, and he was never the same again.
02:00:12.000 And it was one of the reasons why they started wearing batting helmets.
02:00:16.000 There was a kid who got hit in the chest and his heart stopped.
02:00:18.000 Oh.
02:00:19.000 Yeah, because that doesn't happen that often, but it just makes your heart just go whoop.
02:00:24.000 It just knocks it out.
02:00:26.000 Oh, Jesus.
02:00:27.000 It's horrifying.
02:00:28.000 It's a rock.
02:00:28.000 It's a rock covered with leather.
02:00:30.000 You know?
02:00:31.000 I mean, you feel a hardball.
02:00:33.000 That fucking thing is dense.
02:00:35.000 Uh-huh.
02:00:35.000 Yeah.
02:00:35.000 Yeah.
02:00:36.000 I mean, soccer was originally kicking a head around.
02:00:38.000 But that's...
02:00:39.000 What?
02:00:40.000 In Aztec culture.
02:00:42.000 Really?
02:00:43.000 Yep.
02:00:43.000 Like, it was after, like, a battle.
02:00:44.000 They'd just take a head and kick it around.
02:00:46.000 And that was, like, where the game...
02:00:47.000 Is that where soccer came from?
02:00:49.000 From what I've read, yeah.
02:00:50.000 I knew they had some weird Mayan game where they played football and...
02:00:55.000 Mayan.
02:00:55.000 That's what I'm thinking.
02:00:56.000 Oh, okay.
02:00:56.000 And I think that they decided...
02:00:58.000 They used to think that they played and then the winner sacrificed the losing team.
02:01:04.000 And now there was also some speculation that it could have been the opposite.
02:01:09.000 That the winning team was sacrificed.
02:01:12.000 Yeah.
02:01:13.000 I was like, that might have been the fucking slowest game ever.
02:01:16.000 Like, I can't, whoops, ball got by me.
02:01:20.000 You scored again.
02:01:21.000 But the idea was that you would play with such courage, knowing that you were going to win and then you were going to get killed.
02:01:29.000 But you still wanted to win.
02:01:31.000 Yeah, the level of honor that it was had to be so high that you're like, my family will never want for anything ever again, so I'm just going to...
02:01:40.000 Or the level of drugs that you were taking to play that game that way.
02:01:45.000 It's like, you know, an assassin comes from Hashishin, you know, where this guy would just...
02:01:50.000 Really?
02:01:50.000 Yeah.
02:01:50.000 This guy in what we call the Middle East, basically, he was like, how do you kill a king?
02:01:56.000 You've got to get an assassin who doesn't care if he dies.
02:01:58.000 So you get him high on hash?
02:02:00.000 He built a garden of delights where he had naked women just hanging around like prostitutes and like flowing waterfalls.
02:02:08.000 And he would just get a peasant and smoke him up so much.
02:02:11.000 And he was like, do you want to see heaven?
02:02:12.000 And he'd be like, yeah.
02:02:13.000 And he'd take him in the room and be like, check it out.
02:02:15.000 And he's like, I have the door to heaven.
02:02:17.000 And if you kill the sultan in the town square tomorrow, you're here.
02:02:22.000 And so a guy would just run up and stab this guy to death and the guard would murder him.
02:02:26.000 But that was how you get a guy.
02:02:28.000 You trick a person.
02:02:29.000 Whoa.
02:02:30.000 So it's kind of like, it's probably the same thing where that level of drugs where you're like, if I win, they cut my head off, but I go to Valhalla or whatever their version of heaven is.
02:02:40.000 Human sacrifice is always such a strange thing.
02:02:43.000 Yeah.
02:02:43.000 The idea of going to sacrifice like a living life to the gods.
02:02:48.000 This was such a common thing.
02:02:51.000 Yeah.
02:02:51.000 Yeah.
02:02:52.000 Kill people for somebody else.
02:02:54.000 It's common.
02:02:55.000 It's like going to the game.
02:02:56.000 Are you going to go watch that guy get his heart torn out?
02:02:59.000 Yeah, I'm going to take my kid, get some popcorn, couple Bud Lights.
02:03:03.000 I was reading that book, not Primate, what is it called?
02:03:11.000 Sapiens.
02:03:12.000 Sapiens.
02:03:12.000 Sapiens.
02:03:13.000 Yeah, Sapiens.
02:03:14.000 And there's a story about Certain cultures that were would kill like the older people.
02:03:22.000 Uh-huh.
02:03:23.000 They would kill like and this guy who had killed a few of his aunts and all the old women were terrified of him because he would sneak up behind them when they got too old because they were, you know, they were gatherers.
02:03:34.000 Sorry for laughing.
02:03:35.000 They were nomadic people and he would hit them with an axe.
02:03:37.000 And they're talking to these people and I'm like, Jesus Christ, imagine you're gonna kill your aunt with an axe?
02:03:43.000 Well, then imagine getting to a certain, like your birthday party, you blow out the candles and you just spin around.
02:03:47.000 Fuck off.
02:03:48.000 Get away from me.
02:03:49.000 Yeah.
02:03:49.000 Just expecting this guy.
02:03:51.000 Yeah.
02:03:51.000 One of the craziest stories that I ever heard was during the temple, I think you say it, Teotocon, one of the large Aztec temples.
02:04:00.000 When they completed the temple, they sacrificed...
02:04:03.000 Something like 80,000 people over the course of two days.
02:04:08.000 Duh!
02:04:08.000 Yeah.
02:04:09.000 Pull that up.
02:04:10.000 Temple of Tua Khan.
02:04:12.000 I think it's outside of Mexico City.
02:04:15.000 And when the Aztecs constructed this, when it was finally completed, they essentially sacrificed all the slaves that were used to build it.
02:04:24.000 Oh, my God.
02:04:25.000 Yeah.
02:04:26.000 So they just covered this...
02:04:29.000 Fucking gigantic temple with blood of 80,000 people that they butchered on the spot.
02:04:35.000 Yeah.
02:04:35.000 Oh, God.
02:04:36.000 Over days.
02:04:37.000 Took days to kill everybody.
02:04:39.000 Yeah, that's a lot of butchering.
02:04:40.000 That's a lot of murder.
02:04:43.000 That's exhausting levels of murder.
02:04:46.000 It's so much so that I had told a friend this story, and he was like, that's not true.
02:04:49.000 I'm like, I'm telling you, it's true.
02:04:50.000 Why would I lie?
02:04:51.000 He's one of those guys that's doing the math.
02:04:53.000 We had to get to a place where there's service and Google it.
02:04:56.000 Yeah, it's just daunting.
02:04:58.000 Yeah, 80,000 people.
02:05:00.000 And these are the very people that built the thing.
02:05:03.000 Well, I mean, that was the way.
02:05:05.000 That's what they do.
02:05:06.000 Oh, we're done.
02:05:07.000 All right, kill them.
02:05:08.000 Well, that was one of the weirder things about going to Chichen Itza, was there's this one platform that was just designed for sacrifice.
02:05:16.000 Wow.
02:05:17.000 They would kill people on this platform, and it was set up like a bench.
02:05:21.000 There was legs and a head, like someone was holding this bench in place.
02:05:24.000 Yeah.
02:05:25.000 They would just chop a head off and roll down the fucking stairs.
02:05:29.000 Probably like a little head slide kind of thing.
02:05:32.000 What do you think the fascination with that is?
02:05:35.000 This idea of killing someone to appease the gods.
02:05:40.000 Was it because everyone was afraid to die so that when you could force someone to do it in front of everyone, force someone to die in front of everyone and sacrifice them, as long as there was enough distance between you and them, there would be this charge of excitement and Very Machiavellian,
02:05:55.000 for sure.
02:05:56.000 It's, you know, power perceived is power achieved.
02:06:00.000 If you see anyone can die, you fall in line real fast.
02:06:03.000 And I think it's also the unpredictability of life itself.
02:06:08.000 So it's like, hey, look, we're going to kill 80 people, but we're going to have no storms for the next couple months.
02:06:14.000 People are like, it's no one I know?
02:06:16.000 Yeah, fuck them.
02:06:17.000 Especially if you have some, like, elder who, like, some shaman who tells you that this is the only way we're going to stop the storms.
02:06:23.000 Yeah.
02:06:24.000 Yeah.
02:06:24.000 Yeah.
02:06:25.000 People believe fucking anything.
02:06:26.000 Did you get to Tempo Tiwakon?
02:06:27.000 I finally found it.
02:06:28.000 It says somewhere between, there's a recorded article in 2011, the story today, 84,000 people, but it says this is a disputed number.
02:06:36.000 Could be down to 4,000 maybe.
02:06:38.000 The numbers disputed, however, some say as few as 4,000 were sacrificed in what was actually a re-consecration of the Templo Mayor in 1487. Nevertheless, scores were killed.
02:06:51.000 So, one thought is, 1487 the Aztecs recorded that 84,000 people were slaughtered in four days.
02:06:59.000 Self-sacrifice was common and individuals would pierce their ears, tongues, and genitals to nourish the floors of the temples with their blood.
02:07:06.000 Unsurprisingly, there is evidence that Mexico was already suffering from a demographic crisis before the Spanish arrived.
02:07:14.000 Yeah, the Spanish probably came in at the perfect time.
02:07:16.000 Yeah.
02:07:17.000 This is how you say it.
02:07:18.000 The Great Pyramid of Tenochtitlan.
02:07:24.000 Tenochtitlan.
02:07:25.000 Is that how you say it?
02:07:27.000 That seems...
02:07:28.000 Tenochtitlan.
02:07:29.000 That seems like...
02:07:30.000 I've seen that written differently.
02:07:32.000 Tenochtitlan?
02:07:34.000 Tenochtitlan.
02:07:37.000 Tenochtitlan.
02:07:38.000 Does it tell you how to say it?
02:07:42.000 I don't know what that means.
02:07:43.000 How do you say that?
02:07:47.000 Tenochtitlan.
02:07:48.000 I think that's the Mexican pronunciation.
02:07:50.000 I'm not sure though.
02:07:52.000 Tenochtitlan.
02:07:53.000 Yeah, I think that's right.
02:07:54.000 Come up with better names, bro.
02:07:58.000 Yeah.
02:07:59.000 Anyway, a lot of people.
02:08:00.000 Jesus.
02:08:01.000 It also said those games that they were playing where the people were decapitated, they might have been rigged.
02:08:06.000 They weren't sure if they were rigged, but they might have just been fake games to kill people.
02:08:10.000 Whoops, I lost.
02:08:11.000 I mean, there's got to be a team that people like better.
02:08:13.000 They're more fun, those guys.
02:08:15.000 Yeah, they live.
02:08:16.000 Yeah.
02:08:17.000 These are guys you want around.
02:08:18.000 Gotta sell tickets.
02:08:19.000 I mean...
02:08:20.000 We kill those guys.
02:08:22.000 We got no one in the stadium next week.
02:08:24.000 Screw up the whole game.
02:08:25.000 It is weird that all cultures agree that one of the best ways to appease the mass is to have these large sporting events where people gather around to watch this mock warfare take place.
02:08:37.000 Yeah.
02:08:37.000 Yeah.
02:08:38.000 Like how the...
02:08:40.000 When Shaka Zulu came in, they were just fighting like mock wars.
02:08:44.000 And they were just like with fake, you know, swords and spears.
02:08:49.000 And he just ran out and started stabbing people.
02:08:51.000 And they're like, what are you doing?
02:08:52.000 And he's like, I'm trying to win.
02:08:54.000 Yeah.
02:08:55.000 It doesn't work that way, bro.
02:08:56.000 We're trying to fake it.
02:08:57.000 Yeah, like if we escalated past like football and football, like something way more violent came along.
02:09:06.000 Yeah.
02:09:07.000 But not quite war.
02:09:09.000 Like duels.
02:09:11.000 Jesus.
02:09:12.000 It's like, I'm glad we're not there.
02:09:16.000 As much as I have my problems with concussions and football and stuff, it's just, yeah, I guess that's a good, like, what would be the next thing?
02:09:25.000 You can kind of get away with playing football if you get out early enough.
02:09:29.000 Yeah.
02:09:30.000 But they're saying that even kids in high school have CTE. Yeah.
02:09:35.000 Yeah.
02:09:36.000 It's brutal.
02:09:38.000 Do you see what they do in Russia where they have those five-on-five MMA fights?
02:09:42.000 They have gang fights?
02:09:43.000 They meet on football fields?
02:09:44.000 Yes.
02:09:46.000 Russians are always taking it to the next place.
02:09:47.000 I saw that one you put up in somewhere in Eastern Europe and it's just one big bald bull looking guy fighting like five guys.
02:09:55.000 Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.
02:09:56.000 I think that's Russian too.
02:09:58.000 Good lord.
02:09:59.000 Yeah, these couple guys decided to try to take on a giant.
02:10:01.000 Yeah, that guy was a giant.
02:10:03.000 That guy was like a dude that breaks rocks and like fee-fi-fo-fum.
02:10:06.000 I smell the blood of an Englishman.
02:10:08.000 Fee-fi-fo-fum.
02:10:10.000 Yeah.
02:10:11.000 Do kids even learn that story anymore?
02:10:13.000 The fee-fi-fo-fum?
02:10:15.000 Probably, yeah.
02:10:16.000 Why don't they write some new ones?
02:10:17.000 Why are we telling these old ass stories?
02:10:19.000 Yeah.
02:10:19.000 Did you see that movie about the troll hunter?
02:10:23.000 Where that guy goes out into Scandinavia and he hunts trolls and there's actual giant monster trolls?
02:10:30.000 Oh yeah, I remember that movie.
02:10:31.000 That was a fun, stupid movie.
02:10:33.000 It was fun.
02:10:33.000 And one thing I loved about it was it was like, are any of you a Christian?
02:10:37.000 Tell me right now.
02:10:38.000 Right now.
02:10:39.000 And they're like, no.
02:10:40.000 And there's one guy who like secretly was and the troll could smell his blood.
02:10:43.000 I smell the blood of an Englishman.
02:10:45.000 I was like, oh, that's such an awesome angle.
02:10:47.000 Oh, wow.
02:10:48.000 You know, it's just like that's because he's like he's like a scientist.
02:10:52.000 He's like, I know what these guys are after.
02:10:54.000 They want to chew up Christian people.
02:10:56.000 See if you can find the clip for the trailer for Troll Hunter, because it's so stupid.
02:11:01.000 It's so dumb.
02:11:01.000 It's a good movie to get high and watch.
02:11:03.000 Yeah.
02:11:04.000 Well, I love stuff that's like there's a giant thing in the distance, like, coming.
02:11:07.000 That's a big thing if I'm high, where I'm just like, what if King Kong just came from behind that building right now?
02:11:13.000 Yeah, give me some volume.
02:11:16.000 Sometimes you get to see a unique film.
02:11:21.000 Imagine if there really were trolls.
02:11:23.000 Just...
02:11:25.000 It's just eating goats.
02:11:30.000 Yeah, this is like a foreign film.
02:11:33.000 Yeah, it's somewhere in, I think, Norway.
02:11:41.000 Norway.
02:11:46.000 Well, that's a lot of people think.
02:11:47.000 It says, do you think Michael Moore gave up after the first try?
02:11:50.000 Yeah.
02:11:50.000 Documentary like, yeah.
02:11:51.000 Yeah, exactly.
02:11:53.000 They're doing like a Blair Witch Project thing, but with trolls.
02:11:55.000 Yeah.
02:11:56.000 Yeah, but give me a little distance in this.
02:11:59.000 I'm tired of seeing this build up.
02:12:00.000 I want to see the fucking troll.
02:12:02.000 Yeah.
02:12:03.000 They show it in the trailer?
02:12:04.000 Yeah, for sure.
02:12:06.000 They don't?
02:12:07.000 There he is.
02:12:08.000 She's wrecked.
02:12:08.000 I'm Christian!
02:12:09.000 I love that.
02:12:11.000 Ah!
02:12:13.000 Look at it.
02:12:14.000 It's so dumb looking.
02:12:15.000 He just mushed that guy.
02:12:20.000 Oh, so many trolls.
02:12:24.000 Oh, that's rad.
02:12:25.000 I love that.
02:12:26.000 I love monsters.
02:12:28.000 I love monsters.
02:12:28.000 If there was something that big, we would have never gotten to where we are.
02:12:31.000 We'd all be holed up in caves right now.
02:12:33.000 Yeah.
02:12:33.000 Well, they'd probably be like the tech millionaires are like the guys who like...
02:12:40.000 Control one of those.
02:12:41.000 Like, he's just sitting on his head.
02:12:42.000 And he's like, kill those people.
02:12:44.000 You know, crush that house.
02:12:45.000 Is that what you think?
02:12:46.000 It would be tech millionaires that would do that?
02:12:48.000 No, but like, the people that are the richer, richest person.
02:12:51.000 No, it would not be a tech person.
02:12:52.000 You.
02:12:53.000 I think you would have a troll.
02:12:54.000 You'd be sitting on a troll.
02:12:55.000 Wow.
02:12:56.000 Yeah.
02:12:56.000 Weird opinion to me.
02:12:59.000 Zuckerberg.
02:12:59.000 He would have a troll.
02:13:02.000 He would pay someone to, like, train a troll or something like that.
02:13:05.000 He'd find, like, a troll trainer.
02:13:07.000 Let me ask you that.
02:13:08.000 Are you worried at all about AI? Yes.
02:13:10.000 Are you?
02:13:11.000 Oh, yeah.
02:13:11.000 In what way?
02:13:12.000 I just wonder when it's going to get out of our control because the technology is escalating beyond our comprehension.
02:13:20.000 But yet you drive a Tesla.
02:13:21.000 Yeah, I do.
02:13:22.000 So you're contributing to it a little bit.
02:13:24.000 A little bit, yeah.
02:13:25.000 I mean, it's...
02:13:26.000 Look.
02:13:27.000 We all are.
02:13:28.000 It's, you know, I am a dipshit in a lot of ways.
02:13:32.000 I'm an idiot in a lot of ways.
02:13:34.000 And I know you can hack a Tesla.
02:13:36.000 I know you can...
02:13:38.000 Yeah, but they're awesome.
02:13:39.000 Yeah.
02:13:39.000 I mean, if you guys drive a car.
02:13:41.000 I love it.
02:13:41.000 They're apparently not doing so well.
02:13:43.000 There was some article that I read today where they were talking about the letter that Elon Musk sent to all the people that worked for him saying that you're going to have to work harder, but our goal is to try to save the world.
02:13:55.000 Yeah.
02:13:56.000 Nobody wants to hear that shit when they work for a company.
02:13:58.000 I mean, and really?
02:14:00.000 That's not what you were going for before.
02:14:02.000 Well, I think his goal is ultimately to reduce our attachment to fossil fuels, which can help save our environment.
02:14:12.000 I'm definitely with that.
02:14:15.000 Cut way down on factory farming with meat.
02:14:20.000 Yeah, I'm all in favor with all that stuff and making way more things electric.
02:14:26.000 It's like, why don't we have solar panels on literally everything?
02:14:28.000 Well, especially in California.
02:14:29.000 Yeah, I mean us.
02:14:30.000 We have sun everywhere.
02:14:32.000 Everywhere.
02:14:32.000 And we have an amazing source of light.
02:14:34.000 But apparently, you know, there's a lot of money involved.
02:14:38.000 I know this sounds crazy.
02:14:39.000 There's a lot of money involved in staying with the grid as it is.
02:14:43.000 Sure.
02:14:44.000 They've got to keep those nuclear power plants running.
02:14:46.000 Yeah.
02:14:47.000 We love them so much, driving to San Diego, sightseeing.
02:14:50.000 Well, the old ones, they didn't even have a way to shut down.
02:14:53.000 Like, old power plants, when they would make them, they can't stop them.
02:14:56.000 They probably figured, we'll figure it out eventually.
02:14:58.000 Yeah.
02:15:00.000 Let's put it off.
02:15:01.000 Yeah.
02:15:01.000 One day.
02:15:02.000 One day we'll figure it out.
02:15:03.000 Someone smarter than us will come along.
02:15:05.000 They'll fix it.
02:15:07.000 Yeah, when you really hear about natural disasters and solar flares and asteroid impacts, you just realize how fucking fragile this weird system that we have of a power grid and satellites to distribute information and the internet is actually a bunch of wires on the ocean floor that connect us to Europe.
02:15:28.000 Like, what?
02:15:29.000 There's wires that are 4,000 miles long?
02:15:31.000 Really?
02:15:32.000 Yeah.
02:15:34.000 Yeah.
02:15:35.000 It's kind of like the human body.
02:15:36.000 Like, it's remarkably resilient, but it's so fragile.
02:15:39.000 Yeah.
02:15:39.000 Super fragile.
02:15:40.000 Yeah.
02:15:41.000 One infection, and that's a wrap.
02:15:42.000 Yeah.
02:15:43.000 Uh-huh.
02:15:44.000 Yeah.
02:15:44.000 Yet if someone's drunk enough, they can fall off a building, hit everything going down in land like something made a nerf, and get up.
02:15:51.000 Sometimes, right?
02:15:52.000 Like, I've watched a video of a guy who was in a high-speed chase with the cops, and he had a Corvette, and he flipped a Corvette, and literally went flying out of it like he was a doll.
02:16:01.000 I saw that.
02:16:01.000 Head over heels, head over heels.
02:16:03.000 Guy was fine.
02:16:04.000 Yeah.
02:16:04.000 Landed on his back on the desert floor.
02:16:07.000 What?
02:16:08.000 You got some volume playing in the background, Jamie.
02:16:11.000 I hear that.
02:16:11.000 Oh, there it is.
02:16:13.000 I'm glad you could hear that, too.
02:16:15.000 Those things, they just pop up every now and then.
02:16:17.000 There's been a radio interference I've been hearing sometimes, and I can't tell if you guys are hearing it, too.
02:16:20.000 Oh, really?
02:16:21.000 I've heard it a couple times, but no one else has mentioned it.
02:16:23.000 You ever heard songs in your fillings?
02:16:27.000 Some people have recorded that they hear radio sounds in their fillings.
02:16:32.000 Yeah, they pick up wavelengths.
02:16:36.000 Yeah, like your filling will somehow or another catch some radio sound and play it in your phone.
02:16:42.000 How maddening would that be?
02:16:43.000 That would be so awful!
02:16:44.000 You hear a Mexican radio station playing out of your mouth.
02:16:48.000 Yeah.
02:16:49.000 No!
02:16:50.000 You've got a fucking plier to your mouth in the middle of the night so you can sleep.
02:16:54.000 Ugh, that'd be fucking brutal.
02:16:57.000 Well, listen, dude, your special, when it comes out, will be available in February, right?
02:17:03.000 Yeah, February 5th.
02:17:04.000 And it'll be available everywhere.
02:17:06.000 Yes, sir.
02:17:07.000 You'll be able to get it on...
02:17:08.000 Tell me all the places.
02:17:10.000 Amazon...
02:17:11.000 Amazon, iTunes, Google Play.
02:17:13.000 I think it's going to be on Steam, weirdly enough, the video game platform.
02:17:17.000 It's going to be all over the place.
02:17:19.000 You can stream it.
02:17:20.000 You can buy it.
02:17:21.000 It's going to come out in vinyl eventually.
02:17:23.000 Vinyl?
02:17:23.000 Yeah.
02:17:24.000 You put it on vinyl?
02:17:25.000 I always put probably about a thousand out in vinyl if people want to.
02:17:28.000 Really?
02:17:29.000 Yeah.
02:17:29.000 I mean, it's called Finally Live in Portland, and the whole title is like fake tattoos, like the dummies.
02:17:36.000 Yeah.
02:17:36.000 Where'd you film it?
02:17:37.000 At the Paris, a former porn theater in downtown Portland.
02:17:40.000 Oh, they had a porn theater?
02:17:41.000 When I was a kid, there were always like, you know, sluts and butts and stuff like that on the marquee.
02:17:47.000 And then it was, yeah, see?
02:17:49.000 So that'll be the cover of the vinyl.
02:17:50.000 That Helium in Portland is amazing.
02:17:53.000 I love that club.
02:17:53.000 That fucking place is great.
02:17:55.000 I told them where to put it.
02:17:56.000 They were like, where would you put a comedy club?
02:17:58.000 I was like, Southeast Portland, close to the water, so people who live on the west side can come across the bridge really easy.
02:18:03.000 You'll have a lot more space that way.
02:18:04.000 And yeah, they've kept it running strong, and it's awesome.
02:18:08.000 It's a great place to perform, man.
02:18:10.000 Yeah, yeah.
02:18:10.000 That's another one that's designed with the low ceiling.
02:18:12.000 It's great.
02:18:13.000 No, it's well set up.
02:18:14.000 And you've got to come on advice from a dipshit.
02:18:16.000 Okay.
02:18:16.000 Because you would kill it.
02:18:18.000 Okay.
02:18:18.000 I'm good at giving shitty advice.
02:18:20.000 Yes!
02:18:21.000 All right.
02:18:21.000 Yeah, man.
02:18:21.000 Perfect.
02:18:22.000 Yeah.
02:18:22.000 Well, thank you, brother.
02:18:23.000 Dude, this is a joy.
02:18:24.000 Thanks for having me.
02:18:24.000 Tell people how to get a hold of you.
02:18:25.000 It's just Bronger on Instagram.
02:18:28.000 Yeah, and Twitter.
02:18:29.000 Just B-R-A-U-N-G-E-R and then mattbronger.com for all my shows.
02:18:33.000 That's it?
02:18:34.000 Bye, everybody.
02:18:35.000 Thanks, Joe.
02:18:36.000 Thank you.
02:18:38.000 That was great.