Ron White is a former police officer who served time in prison for possession of marijuana. He also served time for drug smuggling and conspiracy to commit murder. We talk about how he got caught with a bunch of weed on his plane and how he handled the situation. We also talk about what it's like to be high on weed and how to deal with the aftermath of being caught with weed. And we talk about the weirdest thing we've ever done with weed...eat an apple and try to figure out how to make it taste good. Enjoy the episode and remember to be safe with your weed and stay high! Logo by Courtney DeKorte. Theme by Mavus White. Music by PSOVOD and tyops. All rights reserved. Used by permission. The opinions and views expressed here are our own, not those of our companies, unless otherwise stated. We do not own the rights to any music used in this podcast. This podcast is not affiliated with any of our music, any credit given is given to any other artists, record labels or record labels. If you like what you hear on this podcast, please leave us a review on Apple Podcasts or Podchaser or wherever you get your music. Thank you for supporting this podcast and/or reviewing/subscribe in any way you like it. It helps us support the podcast and we appreciate the support the music we produce. - Thank you and we thank you for the support we receive from our sponsorships, reviews, support us, etc etc. etc. Thank you, etc., etc. We really helps us out there in the support us in our efforts to make this podcast is truly amazing. XOXO, etc.. and we really appreciate it, really really well, really appreciate you, really truly appreciates you, truly appreciate you. xoxo, really, really appreciates it, truly, really deeply, really good thanks you guys really really really, truly helps us appreciate it really much, really means it, appreciate you all, really much. -- Thank you so much, very much, much appreciate you guys, really got it, good day, really thanks, appreciate it... -- Thank ya, bye, bye. <3 XO, bye - MURDER, JUICY, MURTHY, GABY, RON White
00:01:42.000So there's a hotline that you can call, and there's pilots that I'd fired.
00:01:46.000And so I'm just sitting on the plane looking out the window, and there's...
00:01:51.000And drug dogs and people in vests and machine guns.
00:01:55.000And I'm like, what's going on out there?
00:01:57.000Well, but, you know, as soon as they determined that that's not what it was, that I just had some personal weed that obviously somebody called in and lied, instead of going and arresting that guy, they took me to jail.
00:04:37.000Yeah, because you guys had that soccer, Sober October, and it looked like you were having a blast, I have to admit, sitting from the sideline.
00:04:44.000Boy, this sober thing looks like a blast.
00:04:59.000How many days do you think you'd take off?
00:05:04.000You know, really, not one and be very happy about it.
00:05:07.000I mean, I've got a little touch of alcoholism that someday I'll either deal with or I won't, but, you know, it's a maintenance thing with me, so...
00:05:16.000Maintenance as far as keeping your mindset correct?
00:05:27.000It's just something that I seem to require.
00:05:30.000I can't wait for that first drink of the day.
00:05:34.000And then I usually drink pretty much to excess every single day.
00:05:43.000So, I mean, I'm not saying this is a good thing, and I'm certainly not bragging, because I see people that are sober, and I get jealous of them.
00:05:50.000I'm like, wow, what would that be like to, you know, wake up feeling good every day?
00:05:58.000I mean, I don't understand why I won't just let it go.
00:06:02.000But it's, you know, I know it's such a big part of, you know, who people perceive me to be, but it's also just a big part of How I perceive me to be.
00:06:11.000Well, people who perceive you to be, they perceive you.
00:06:14.000Like, if anyone has ever asked me, what's Ron White like?
00:08:15.000But there's a woman in it, this is my point, who has an...
00:08:21.000Like, she's this really highfalutin lady who pretends to be this chick from Queens, and she puts on a fat suit and does this act, and it drives Mrs. Maisel fucking crazy.
00:08:42.000Pretending to be something that you're not...
00:08:44.000You know, I think that's, and this might be a little bit of a stretch, Joe, I don't know, but, you know, I think that's why Steve Martin quit, because he was a parody of a comedian, which was brilliant and so funny.
00:09:02.000Let's Get Small was one of my favorite albums ever, and I took it with me everywhere I went and played it for people and then took credit for how good it was, even though I really had very little to do with it except for spending the money.
00:09:13.000I remember when I was a kid, I listened to that, long before I ever did stand-up.
00:11:00.000The first time I saw him was he was having lunch by himself and I was with another comic and he goes, do you think he'd mind if we went over there and said hi?
00:11:08.000An hour later we're like, well we gotta go.
00:11:53.000Kinison taught us that somebody can genuinely not like you and you can still make them like you.
00:11:58.000He also taught me that you can punch down as low as you want as long as it's funny.
00:12:03.000Right, as long as it's funny, as long as you're good enough.
00:12:04.000That fucking bit that he had about starving children, to this day, I had an argument with a guy on the podcast about it where he was telling me that comedy only punches up.
00:12:49.000I don't remember who did them, but the week afterwards, some guy that was the opening act was trying to riff on it, and I got him over to the side, and I said, Hey, dude, this is my stage right here.
00:13:03.000And normally I don't tell the comics what to do.
00:13:06.000But until you have something to say about it that's really, really funny, I don't want you bringing it up.
00:13:12.000Yeah, that's a tough one, because you could kill the whole show.
00:13:16.000Some middle act goes on, and you lost friends in the towers, and that was a week ago.
00:14:09.000But, you know, when someone's ad-libbing, some things are going to suck, but the response sometimes to one that's, like, off, you know, maybe a little bit too harsh or maybe a little too soon, like, people get so fucking mad.
00:14:23.000Well, you sent me a tweet about that Cosby bit that I did.
00:14:28.000It was really funny, but it just stirred the pot so much.
00:18:59.000He was a guy that you were happy to have represent you.
00:19:03.000Whether you believe in him and support his ideas or not, as a representative of our culture, of our civilization, that guy was smooth and measured and articulate.
00:19:31.000Clinton was such a good orator that the teleprompter went off, it broke like five minutes into his fucking speech, and he did all that shit by memory.
00:19:40.000He just did the whole goddamn thing by memory.
00:19:43.000And I played the nine holes of golf with him.
00:21:59.000Yeah, and all those guys are, I mean, not all those guys, I don't want to generalize, but it's really, really common for men that are in power positions to just be horny as fuck all the time.
00:22:11.000The way we want these people to behave is so contrary to the way any king ever behaved ever in history.
00:22:19.000Like, the stories of kings throughout history was always decadence.
00:22:22.000It was always, you know, all these women and wine and food and more food and fat and open sores and cutting off the fucking ex-wives' heads and shit.
00:23:37.000You know, nothing ever really happens, but I had a guy one time, because I said something in a meet-and-greet, who is paid to take a picture of me and then refused to take a picture of me because of what I said.
00:23:48.000And I'm like, I don't give a fuck, dude.
00:25:10.000I'm not going to get back in my mother's car with this shitty foot.
00:25:13.000I can't go into the store with baby shit all over my foot.
00:25:17.000And I thought about just cutting my foot off and just leaving it in the diaper with a note that said, this used to be a perfectly good fucking foot, dude.
00:25:26.000And nobody's ever made me that mad since.
00:25:29.000I was so fucking furious and I just wanted to hate and kill over a shitty pamper.
00:25:37.000That's crazy that that was all it took.
00:26:07.000I sit up there and drink with the guys, and I go back there just to go to sleep.
00:26:10.000I never take booze back there or anything.
00:26:14.000But I'd gone back there and laid down, and I put that Dos Equis bottle on the counter, and then we took off during the night.
00:26:21.000Well, I was real drunk, and Steve was real drunk, and the bottle falls off and breaks, and I don't hear it.
00:26:26.000So in the middle of the night, my bed sits high, because you want to try to get those beds towards the center, because it's on those axles anyway, but the closer it is to the center, the better it feels when you're in it.
00:26:37.000So you kind of slide off of it about an inch.
00:26:39.000And my foot went into the bottom of the beer bottle, had a shard hanging off of it about an inch and a half long.
00:30:03.000I started playing when I was like 13. And so I would just go to a golf course and, you know, schmooze out a deal where I could play golf there every day.
00:30:10.000And you ain't jack shit to do during the day in clubs for 15 years.
00:30:41.000Because if it wasn't for stand-up, I'd be a regional marijuana distributor in the state of Texas in an industry that has some questions coming up.
00:30:50.000So, you know, I did it because I loved it, but it was also fun, fun, fun, you know, and it was easy for me.
00:31:03.000I didn't mind the travel because I liked...
00:31:06.000Drinking free in bars and practicing this art form.
00:31:14.000But I never, ever thought it would go where it went.
00:33:15.000Because that par 3 could be as much as 125 yards.
00:33:20.000Most of them aren't made on the longer 185, but guys like me aren't hitting the par 3 from 235. Yeah, if you think about it, I guess there's nothing like that in any other game or sport.
00:36:55.000And we were at my place in Montecito, and we had thrown everything at this cancer but the kitchen sink, and we were looking for the fucking sink.
00:37:05.000And Steve goes, let's go to the golf course, man.
00:37:09.000He goes, I'll help you read some putts.
00:40:38.000Many thought that his competitive golf career was over and his fourth surgery since March of 2014, which involved removing the L5-S1 intervertebral disc and then inserting fusion material to connect the L5 and S1 vertebrate.
00:42:46.000The thing is about those back surgeries is I wonder why they did the fusion, because I think they do articulating discs now that seem to be very effective.
00:43:23.000Increase the golfer's performance via an anterior approach is that it spares the large muscles of the back that are critical to golf swing, which potentially makes recovery for athletes a bit easier.
00:43:39.000I don't know, but I would imagine whoever was looking at Tiger's back was about the best person in the world to be looking at it, so I'm sure they would have...
00:44:06.000I don't have a lot of any kind of problems except that little alcohol thing that I got going, that little squeaker.
00:44:14.000But I play golf with guys in these pro-ams, and most of them are football, basketball players, and most of them are around my age, and most of them...
00:46:04.000Fucking dummy that's trying to like light a bomb under a tire and fly through the air and smash the roof of a fucking garage with his face.
00:48:24.000Well, probably, because they listen to the podcast, and there's millions of them, but still, it's...
00:48:29.000I don't think it's as common for people to know how good a comedian you are.
00:48:35.000Of course they don't unless they've seen you live because they might think of you as the guy from the Fear Factor or the Man Show or UFC and you're famous for all those things and stand-up comedy.
00:48:52.000That's crazy, but I find myself defending you sometimes, going, listen to his fucking stand-up.
00:49:00.000Go watch, turn on Netflix and watch that last special.
00:52:38.000He starched Jose Aldo, who was one of the greatest featherweights, if not the greatest, next to Max Holloway of all time, starched him with one punch when Aldo was Aldo.
00:56:07.000But yeah, he suffers from mental illness, and he does a really good job of talking about it and making sure that other people know that this is not something that you should be ashamed of, you know?
00:57:46.000So my cousin, who's a few years older than me, I'm visiting my relatives up in this little town north of Amarillo.
00:57:55.000And so we go down to Amarillo, 60 miles down to Amarillo, and he's going to take us to the Sportatorium to watch the Super Inferno, who I hated.
00:58:06.000I mean, this was on local television all over, you know, Texas, but one of the stops was there.
01:02:08.000They need a great little comedy community, you know, where you got up-and-comers that are really working on it, people that really appreciate good material.
01:02:16.000Well, there was a really good comedy scene in Atlanta, and a couple of guys that won Last Comic Standing came out of Atlanta.
01:04:42.000And it was crazy because at the end of the show, there was me and Greg Fitzsimmons and maybe three or four other comics and five or six people in the crowd.
01:04:51.000There was like maybe 20 people left, all told, laughing our fucking asses.
01:06:34.000And you as a peer would have the exact same thing.
01:06:36.000So for me to listen to someone's opinion about stand-up comedy, they have to have a lot of cred to me before I really give a shit what they think.
01:07:10.000No, but did he influence me more than anybody else, and you probably more than anybody else, because you're certainly that way also, right?
01:07:17.000Somebody built that bridge, and now you feel free to talk about anything.
01:08:30.000He's like, I need to stay above ground, kids.
01:08:35.000Well, I gotta tell you, you know, I was so lonesome, you know, I took some comfort there, you know, in my lifetime, as Paul Simon once wrote.
01:09:55.000Yeah, and I get that, and it comes back to that appetite thing that guys have.
01:10:04.000I've gotten a handjob from somebody, and I admit this.
01:10:08.000And it was the best sex I've ever had in my life because it was somebody that was, number one, it was a great massage and this tantric thing going on.
01:10:16.000And, you know, but it was fantastic and pricey.
01:10:25.000And it's free most anywhere, and that's in Vegas, as legal as it can be.
01:10:30.000You know, they have milking tables that have a hole your dick hangs through.
01:12:25.000I just went to Amsterdam before I took my mother to Barcelona because I wanted a little three-day stopover before I spent eight days with mom in Barcelona.
01:13:27.000And marijuana is legal recreationally now, and they have the biggest dispensary in the world, which is like Universal made it or something.
01:14:34.000Because when you're in Amsterdam in one of those coffee shops, smoking a joint, drinking a badass cup of coffee, It's fun and freeing, and it's the way it should be.
01:14:47.000The fact of the matter is, the same thing happens to me in Florida with just a little bit.
01:17:50.000I see him do short sets all the time, but I got to watch him do, you know, 50, I think he did probably around 50 minutes or something like that, and it was great.
01:18:03.000Where there's Purell everywhere you turn.
01:18:05.000The thing is, you know, if you're true, and here's something I believe, that if it's a comic or whatever, if you're true to your nature, then enough people will be attracted to that, right?
01:18:20.000That the only mistake you can make is to not be true to your nature, right?
01:18:25.000And if you look at all the great or really successful comics in the history of comedy, they were true to who they were.
01:20:06.000I think we all should have known, like, with his trying to control other people, he was always trying to control young black comics and stop them from swearing.
01:21:31.000Do you think that those people from back in that era, from back in like the 60s and the 50s, that they used to drug each other and they didn't think it was as big a deal?
01:21:40.000Like that men would do that, which we would consider today to be horrific.
01:21:45.000You know, the idea that you would take someone's daughter and drug her and fuck is horrific.
01:21:50.000We want violent repercussions for that.
01:22:41.000You know, it's just a sickening thing.
01:22:43.000You know, Ron, they're having a hard time with that with people that work for social media sites.
01:22:47.000When they have to take down videos, like on Facebook and things like that, like a lot of them, like they're taking down these horrific videos, like horrible, all day long.
01:22:56.000These people are just finding the things that are like, Horrible accidents, horrible assassinations, ISIS videos, and they're just taking him down.
01:24:08.000To the point where when he was on Opie and Anthony, when they were in their prime, it was like one of their major themes was that Norton is into transgender women.
01:29:05.000As long as they're willing to actually touch him.
01:29:07.000As long as they're willing to stick their fucking beautiful tongue in that guy's mouth, suck on his lips, and grind that pussy against his dick, and grab his ass cheeks, and put your finger on the base of his taint, and rub it while you stick your tongue down his throat,
01:35:10.000You have to be able to quote Shakespeare.
01:35:13.000Yeah, you've got to be willing to give up a lot of money.
01:35:16.000If you're an ugly dude and you've got a hot wife, you've got a certain amount of time before she gets bored with you, which wants to fuck her trainer.
01:41:57.000And not only that, there's a bar that if your name is not written on that building, you can't go in it without somebody whose name is written on that building.
01:42:06.000And it's so cool to have your name written on that building, and go to that bar that's just for you, and they have my number one tequila, and I can smoke cigars, and not everybody can smoke in there,
01:43:17.000I stayed in the cheapest hotel room on Sunset Boulevard, which was $50, which was outrageous back then.
01:43:26.000And the first day I got into an elevator with this huge black transvestite that was all dressed up going to a show, going to one of those big Drag queen shows.
01:50:09.000And then, you know, I'm not sure how it starts.
01:50:12.000And I'm like, okay, it would probably start where the curtain opens and you and I are standing there because it's a two-man show on Broadway.
01:50:21.000And he goes, and then we could do a Q&A. And I'm like, no, we'd have to do something before the Q&A, Doc.
01:50:27.000Because we've done that before and it's hilarious.
01:50:30.000As close as we are, I mean, where we're born and our circumstances in life, And he's completely undimensionally fucking beyond me as far as any kind of success that anybody's ever had.
01:50:49.000But we both came from nothing in the same part of the world.
01:50:53.000And so we have this connection that people have a hard time understanding.
01:50:58.000You know, I can't believe you and Dr. Phil are literally, we tell people we love each other.
01:52:03.000And our views, even though we come from a similar background, how different the views are in some ways and how similar they are in some ways.
01:54:54.000Because if you're really good at golf in that respect, if you know how to not move your head, that's a discipline where you can apply that to the rest of your life.
01:55:04.000If you're loose and you're not thinking and you're fucked up and you're not using good technique, your head's going to be all over the place.
01:56:55.000You know, Jay, our buddy Jay McGraw, Is a TV producer, right?
01:57:00.000So they produce The Doctors and The Dr. Phil Show and The Bull on CBS, but they also have another 10 or 12 shows on any level of cable, and if they can sell it, they'll make it.
01:57:15.000So the guy that made the movie, and I always screw up his name, so I'm going to have you look it up, that did the movie about the The kid, it took 16 years to make, Linklider, am I saying it right, from Texas?
02:00:21.000I got a hot tub going off in my backyard with a couple of girls, and I got these great fucking joints, and we'll go over there and smoke pot and drink tequila and vaping with these girls.
02:00:32.000But what happened was he went, oh, nice to meet you, and then he went on to meet the next person.
02:00:38.000And it was a long pause there where I should have said, I love your work, but I didn't because I already had it planned out that he was supposed to say how much he loved me.
02:00:46.000And so I just left a long pause there, and then when it was all over with, I should have told him I loved him.
02:02:10.000With me is Judge Roy Bean, but doing a comedy.
02:02:14.000We're not even zeroed in on what, but we like me doing that character of preacher, hangman, bartender, right?
02:02:24.000And I would like to play the role, and I wouldn't mind finding a TV show to settle into at my age, you know, for a while, you know, if I could do it.
02:02:32.000But it's got to be the right thing with the right people, or I won't do it.
02:02:54.000So I'm right 27 miles from Bastrop, and so I go out there for the meeting, and it's in this little restaurant on a river, and they talk about that for a little while, and then we talk a little bit about Judge Roy Bean, and then it's time to go to the pig rescue.
02:03:10.000Well, I don't have to go to the pig rescue, but now I really want him to direct this film, because I know if he does, it'll be made of film.
02:10:33.000Like for any other woman I might be able to repost it, but she said like, Forget what she called her something about something she called her like the greatest boss bitch in history Like I can't I can't say that I like it, but I can't repost that right,
02:11:50.000I'd only been doing stand-up for three and a half years, and so...
02:11:55.000And the guy that booked that room watched me do like an eight-minute set in Austin, and I had a killer eight minutes, but he hires me to do 45 minutes.
02:12:08.000And so I go out there, and I'm nervous anyway, right?
02:12:36.000Before, I'm nervous, and I go, that's Duncan Strauss, and he writes the comedy reviews for the Orange County edition of the LA Times, which is about 6 million people.
02:17:46.000I go back up to my Marriott Suites on the Bay and sit there at this big desk, and I'm just drinking this tequila, reading it over and over and over and over.
02:17:58.000And I got a big bag of weed, and I'm smoking pot, and I've convinced myself that they're going to cancel the show because who would come to a show, right, with a review like that?
02:18:14.000And then I'm thinking, well, they probably have to pay me for the shows I did, even though I wasn't able to finish the week, right?
02:20:09.000That kind of scared me away from L.A. for a while, and I realized then that they were right, and I should have been slapped in the face, and I wasn't good enough to be on that stage.
02:20:32.000And so, you know, it all worked out the best way it possibly could have, but that also included a couple slaps in the fucking face going...
02:25:11.000I counted one night, and there were...
02:25:12.000I think it was eight people in the show that make at least $50,000 every time they open their mouth in a theater in one fucking show for $14.
02:25:21.000Come to the fucking store and watch a show, you know?
02:25:30.000A weekend, it's not quite as strong because a lot of the guys are out, the gang girls are out doing sets somewhere, but Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Sunday, there's nothing like it because we all have to do what we're doing,
02:25:45.000and we're lucky to be able to do it where we do it.
02:25:47.000Dude, one night the lineup was Tom Segura, Bill Burr, Bert Kreischer, Ali Wong, me, Joey Diaz, Chris D'Elia, Tom Papa, Ian.
02:26:13.000And it's also what makes it so fucking fun for me and why it's, you know, I live in Beverly Hills and I live two miles away and that's what gets me off the couch to go live my life and blow the horn.
02:30:16.000And Elton John held the record before we broke it, and the reason we broke it is we were in a center stage in the middle, and there's only four of us doing stand-up, so nobody will ever have a smaller stage for that big show there.
02:33:11.000Because it would be nice if we could have some sort of...
02:33:17.000Harmony with nature with pigs, but that's not possible.
02:33:21.000If they're wild, they're fucking up a storm, they're having two, three litters a year with six to eight little piglets, and they're just running rampant, and they become viable.
02:33:31.000I think, correct me if I'm wrong, I think female pigs become viable and can get pregnant after four months of life.
02:34:34.000So if you go to like Tachapi or any of these areas that have wild pigs, you go to certain areas towards the middle near Bakersfield, there's wild pigs out there.
02:37:06.000What's crazy about that is when you see a domestic pig and they look all cute and cuddly and pink and shit, when they get loose and they go wandering through the woods, they turn feral and their face changes.
02:38:31.000When you take a photo like that, you're doing that on purpose.
02:38:34.000What you're supposed to do is you're supposed to put your gun or your rifle or your bow and arrow, you lean it on the animal, you stand next to it, so that people that know how difficult it is, and people say, You're trying to kill a smart,
02:38:49.000mature animal because that's the one that's healthiest for the population.
02:38:53.000That's the one you want to take out of the breeding cycle.
02:38:56.000This is one that's already spread its genes.
02:38:58.000And hunters respect when someone shoots a mature, older animal.
02:39:06.000Those are not that good to eat unless you really know what the fuck you're doing.
02:39:09.000You've got to slow cook that motherfucker.
02:39:13.000That one, you want to probably brine that bitch, get him in a big old vat of salt water with brown sugar and garlic, and just let him soak for a while.
02:39:25.000This article is sort of saying it could be bullshit.
02:42:49.000And then I see one little group of perfectly peeled lemons on the ground, and then there's two more lemon pods on the tree, perfect lemons, no rinds.
02:43:43.000They do the exact opposite with oranges.
02:43:45.000Right, and we also have blood oranges, and so they'll put a little hole in them, eat all the fruit out of it, and leave the husk hanging on the tree with nothing on the inside.