The Joe Rogan Experience - Joe Rogan Experience #1310

00:00:00.000 That's probably the way to do it.

00:00:02.000 We're cutting in right now.

00:00:03.000 Pow!

00:00:05.000 So what do they have?

00:00:07.000 Tell me about the tour bus.

00:00:09.000 Are you the tour bus champ?

00:00:10.000 No, no, no, he's not.

00:00:12.000 Let's hold up on labels till we hear the story.

00:00:14.000 I've only won one victory in this whole thing.

00:00:17.000 Who's the tour buster?

00:00:18.000 You came so close to the weight loss.

00:00:20.000 You did come close.

00:00:21.000 Then we had one year where it was like socialist.

00:00:23.000 It was like Marxist.

00:00:25.000 No one could lose.

00:00:27.000 Even if you lost, it didn't matter.

00:00:29.000 That was camaraderie.

00:00:29.000 I like that.

00:00:30.000 Yeah, that was a good year.

00:00:32.000 This year's gotta be a good one.

00:00:34.000 Listen, last year I almost killed myself.

00:00:36.000 Yeah, we gotta do it differently than that.

00:00:37.000 You were peeing fucking purple.

00:00:39.000 It wasn't purple, but it wasn't the right color.

00:00:41.000 What color was it?

00:00:42.000 I was worried I had brown.

00:00:44.000 I was worried, but it wasn't.

00:00:46.000 It was just dehydration.

00:00:47.000 Severe dehydration.

00:00:48.000 There was days where I would drink literally like fucking gallons of water.

00:00:53.000 Yeah.

00:00:54.000 You don't want ice?

00:00:55.000 I'm going to try it without first.

00:00:56.000 You're crazy.

00:00:58.000 I was drinking so much.

00:00:59.000 I was drinking water and I was adding salt to it.

00:01:01.000 I was adding Himalayan salt to the water.

00:01:03.000 Just because I know I was dehydrating myself so much.

00:01:03.000 Wow.

00:01:05.000 I would have puddles on the ground.

00:01:07.000 That still wasn't sufficient.

00:01:08.000 Dude, I set off an alarm.

00:01:11.000 I remember that.

00:01:12.000 I set off a fire alarm in the gym for my sweat.

00:01:19.000 I've never heard of that.

00:01:20.000 I still have PTSD from last year's Sober October.

00:01:24.000 I get texts from you guys and panic sits in my heart.

00:01:27.000 My wife gets it.

00:01:28.000 She thinks I'm crazy.

00:01:30.000 It upsets wives.

00:01:32.000 You're the only one who ruined the home life.

00:01:36.000 Yeah, if I had come to New York, it would have been, I mean, LA would have been terrible to be here for an extra month.

00:01:40.000 But, like, I saw that fucking stupid device when I was moving.

00:01:43.000 I opened up a drawer and I was like, get it out, get it out of here.

00:01:47.000 It's like Chucky.

00:01:48.000 It's like Chucky, the little doll.

00:01:49.000 Yeah.

00:01:50.000 I'm coming for you!

00:01:52.000 I think Leanne and Push are going to podcast this entire Sober October.

00:01:56.000 Don't let her.

00:01:57.000 After she threw you under the bus?

00:01:59.000 In the fucking radio station?

00:02:00.000 Tell that story.

00:02:01.000 The audience didn't hear that story.

00:02:03.000 You guys should do wife swaps.

00:02:05.000 Tell that story.

00:02:06.000 They were asking about drugs and how hard I party, and I was just talking shit, and I was like, you know, I go, I spoke a little bit of weed.

00:02:14.000 Every now and then, if cocaine's on a switchblade, I'll hit it, but for the most part, I don't.

00:02:18.000 I only do mushrooms once a year.

00:02:21.000 And Leanne just heard me and she's making breakfast for the girl.

00:02:24.000 She goes, he doesn't do mushrooms and he doesn't do cocaine.

00:02:26.000 He's got high blood pressure.

00:02:27.000 I'm like, bitch, I'm trying to move tickets in Dayton.

00:02:31.000 Were you under the bus?

00:02:32.000 Body Stop's World Tour.

00:02:33.000 Fall date's available now.

00:02:35.000 Is it available right now?

00:02:36.000 Dude, yeah.

00:02:37.000 Right now, right now, right now.

00:02:38.000 Right now, right now.

00:02:38.000 BurtBurtBurt.com.

00:02:39.000 You sound like you're coming off a coke bender.

00:02:43.000 We're all touring hard.

00:02:44.000 Dude.

00:02:45.000 But think about it, Tom.

00:02:46.000 When you first started going on the road with me, you're way further ahead now than I was back then.

00:02:53.000 Oh, right.

00:02:54.000 When he was opening for me.

00:02:55.000 We were doing clubs.

00:02:56.000 Yeah, we were doing clubs.

00:02:57.000 We were doing all clubs.

00:02:59.000 We started to do theaters when you started to headline your own places.

00:03:03.000 That's true.

00:03:04.000 Yeah.

00:03:04.000 That was pretty crazy.

00:03:05.000 Dude, it was quick, man.

00:03:06.000 I was thinking about that level you were at that we all thought was like, Damn!

00:03:10.000 Well, yeah.

00:03:10.000 I mean, you know why?

00:03:11.000 It's because you know someone.

00:03:13.000 You're like, it's accessible.

00:03:14.000 Yeah.

00:03:14.000 Right, right, right.

00:03:15.000 It seems normal.

00:03:16.000 Right.

00:03:17.000 It makes sense.

00:03:17.000 Like, oh, I could sell out this whole weekend, too.

00:03:20.000 Yeah.

00:03:20.000 And then when you do, you're like, oh, shit.

00:03:22.000 Like, what?

00:03:23.000 I'm a fucking comedian.

00:03:23.000 I'm a real comedian.

00:03:24.000 I sell out a club.

00:03:26.000 And it's just because we got in shape.

00:03:27.000 I didn't even think about it.

00:03:28.000 It's just because of Sober October.

00:03:30.000 It's just because of Sober October.

00:03:31.000 I didn't think about theaters back then, like when we were all in the club.

00:03:36.000 No, we were just doing clubs.

00:03:38.000 I had done a couple of theaters here and there, but for the most part, it was just about just working.

00:03:44.000 Yeah.

00:03:45.000 That's what Dice said.

00:03:46.000 He was like, what do you want to do with your career?

00:03:47.000 I was like, I'd like to have clubs.

00:03:48.000 He goes, why not theater?

00:03:48.000 I was like, I couldn't do theater.

00:03:50.000 He goes, why?

00:03:50.000 Because you said you can do whatever you want.

00:03:53.000 And I was like, alright.

00:03:55.000 Dice got me to go on the road.

00:03:56.000 He really planted a fucking seed in my head one day in the back parking lot at the comedy store.

00:04:00.000 I said, why don't you do the road?

00:04:02.000 I said, I don't know.

00:04:02.000 He goes, hey, don't fucking just hang around here.

00:04:05.000 And he's like, you can make a good living.

00:04:06.000 He goes, you don't need these fucking TV guys.

00:04:09.000 And I was like, wow.

00:04:10.000 He's right.

00:04:11.000 I was thinking about it.

00:04:12.000 I was like, he's right.

00:04:13.000 Dude, that's changed my life.

00:04:14.000 I've said this a million times, but you and Bill Burr in the back of the store telling me, your show's not that good, you should just stick with stand-up.

00:04:21.000 Well, I just...

00:04:22.000 I knew that you were way better than that.

00:04:24.000 I'm like, you're not even doing your stand-up justice.

00:04:27.000 I'd see you do stand-up, but it's like you hadn't done it in five months.

00:04:30.000 You'd been in fucking Thailand or some shit, swinging off of a tree by your dick.

00:04:34.000 On a roller coaster with some special people.

00:04:37.000 Also, I was worried you were going to get killed.

00:04:39.000 You were doing so many different things in so many different places.

00:04:42.000 I called him up once.

00:04:43.000 He was drunk on a motorcycle in Vietnam.

00:04:45.000 I was like, what are you doing?

00:04:48.000 He's like, I'm in Vietnam, I'm drunk!

00:04:50.000 Ride a unicycle!

00:04:51.000 He learned these completely unnecessary life skills.

00:04:54.000 Yeah, that you can't apply to anything in your life.

00:04:57.000 Do you know how to ride a unicycle?

00:04:58.000 I'm like, what?

00:04:59.000 He's like, I learned in Rome.

00:05:00.000 I could do whatever I want to know.

00:05:03.000 Is that harder than when them hoverboards?

00:05:05.000 What's harder?

00:05:06.000 Oh, dude, those hoverboards in the ocean?

00:05:11.000 No, I don't mean that.

00:05:12.000 I mean the things that the kids roll around on.

00:05:14.000 Just the wheel in the middle?

00:05:15.000 No, the wheel in the middle.

00:05:17.000 Rich Rebuilds, you know that YouTube channel, do you know who he is?

00:05:21.000 Rich Benoit, he's a YouTube host, and he also, he fixed...

00:05:26.000 He's like the first guy to ever build a Tesla.

00:05:29.000 He bought a junk Tesla that somebody had let get flooded with water, and he's just a really smart guy, and he's a tech guy, so he's like, okay, what the fuck is in that thing?

00:05:37.000 Like, how do I fix this?

00:05:39.000 So all the wires were fucked up, the battery was toast.

00:05:42.000 So he bought a crashed one and he took the battery and the engine out of the crashed one and put it in the one that he owned and then rewired and went through this crazy process to get a Tesla to work that he eventually did.

00:05:55.000 And now he has his own garage.

00:05:57.000 It's what's called the electric garage in Massachusetts where he rebuilds these Teslas.

00:06:03.000 What was my point?

00:06:04.000 Oh, he had one of those with a big-ass fat tire where you're riding on it like a skateboard.

00:06:09.000 That's hard.

00:06:10.000 That looks hard.

00:06:11.000 I almost killed someone on a Segway one time.

00:06:11.000 That's hard to do.

00:06:15.000 I was in Rome, and we were on Segways, and I was just screwing around, and then I just hopped off, and I didn't realize that when you hop off, if you're leaning forward, it keeps going.

00:06:25.000 And this thing started whipping around me, just...

00:06:28.000 And we're in like a big piazza, and I just let go of it.

00:06:32.000 Didn't hit anyone, but everyone around us was standing dead still, like...

00:06:36.000 Oh my god, it would have been bodied right there.

00:06:38.000 You're supposed to dive on it like a good hero.

00:06:41.000 Yeah.

00:06:42.000 Do you know where to fund those?

00:06:43.000 There's no way you're doing that.

00:06:44.000 You wouldn't dive on it?

00:06:45.000 No way!

00:06:46.000 You'd have to take it for the team.

00:06:48.000 He'd let 15 people die?

00:06:51.000 Just walk out casually?

00:06:53.000 I don't know what happened.

00:06:55.000 Those hoverboards that are jet skis where you go like 40 feet up in the air.

00:06:59.000 Oh, those are crazy.

00:07:00.000 Those are fun as fuck.

00:07:01.000 That looks fucking cool.

00:07:02.000 Those do look cool.

00:07:03.000 I like the guys who get it turned over and then it starts to go down and they just, with extra speed, just shoot into the bucket board.

00:07:10.000 What are those called?

00:07:11.000 What are they?

00:07:12.000 The Widowmaker.

00:07:13.000 Dude.

00:07:13.000 Yeah.

00:07:14.000 Those things are fun as fuck.

00:07:17.000 Legit, yeah.

00:07:18.000 I could do a backflip on one.

00:07:20.000 All you gotta do is fall backwards and then kick your feet around.

00:07:23.000 I picked up on that one quick.

00:07:25.000 Yeah, there's a lot of useless skills I have from Travel Channel.

00:07:28.000 Dude, you traveled so much.

00:07:30.000 Oh my god.

00:07:31.000 It always bothered me.

00:07:32.000 You know why it bothered me?

00:07:33.000 Because I would've probably done it too if I was you.

00:07:35.000 And I was like, goddammit, how do you get out of that?

00:07:37.000 Because I know that feeling.

00:07:39.000 Like, you have the best job ever.

00:07:40.000 You're on a TV show.

00:07:41.000 You're like, oh my god, I have the best job ever.

00:07:42.000 I'm on a fucking TV show.

00:07:44.000 But yet, you're still like, fuck, I gotta get out of this.

00:07:47.000 Yeah.

00:07:48.000 It's weird, because you do get to go to really cool places and get paid for it.

00:07:51.000 Yeah, that was cool.

00:07:52.000 But you also, I mean, you weren't thrilled.

00:07:54.000 Because you miss stand-up more.

00:07:55.000 I miss stand-up.

00:07:57.000 Well, what was happening is Tom's career was exploding at the time.

00:08:01.000 The day I fell off a waterfall.

00:08:04.000 Do you remember that?

00:08:05.000 I was in Aspen, and Push called me.

00:08:05.000 Yeah.

00:08:07.000 She's like, I'm talking to Tom, and he's talking about these one-nighters, but I want to do the funny bones.

00:08:10.000 I was so far removed from stand-up, I didn't even know you could do one-nighters.

00:08:14.000 I didn't know that theaters were an option.

00:08:16.000 I think I was at a store a week later, and you were like, you know, Tom's doing, like, legit theaters.

00:08:21.000 And I remember just going, I missed...

00:08:23.000 What if I just missed it entirely?

00:08:24.000 You could have, and some people do.

00:08:26.000 We all know guys that were really funny back in the day, and then they somehow or another quit.

00:08:31.000 It fell apart.

00:08:33.000 Dude, what if you had been like, I'm going to lean into Travel Channel?

00:08:35.000 Dude, I was.

00:08:36.000 I was.

00:08:37.000 What if you became a Christian, like super Christian, got a cross tattoo on your arm just to let them know you're really down with them?

00:08:44.000 I'm sure your reps told you all those things.

00:08:46.000 Go to church with a fucking golf shirt on.

00:08:49.000 Oh, man.

00:08:49.000 Dude, when I got fired from Travel Channel, my world melted down.

00:08:53.000 That was right when we were getting fat shamed.

00:08:55.000 I was getting fat shamed.

00:08:56.000 Leanne scheduled a...

00:08:58.000 I like how you say we were getting fat shamed as if you guys weren't in on the fat shaming.

00:09:01.000 But you're saying that...

00:09:01.000 Hold on a second.

00:09:02.000 That didn't happen to you.

00:09:03.000 You're saying you were getting fat shamed, but...

00:09:06.000 You gotta let people know.

00:09:07.000 Like, you don't really believe in fat shaming.

00:09:09.000 You weren't really getting fat shamed.

00:09:11.000 He felt it.

00:09:12.000 At the time, it was very one-sided.

00:09:14.000 Do you really think that's a real thing?

00:09:14.000 At the time I got fired from Travel Channel, I definitely was one-sided, and I felt it hard as fuck.

00:09:20.000 Your friend was fucking with you because he was worried you were gonna die.

00:09:23.000 He wanted Conan to do it, though.

00:09:24.000 He did it on a major platform.

00:09:26.000 It wasn't like morning radio.

00:09:29.000 He was on another level.

00:09:31.000 He put it on his fucking special on Netflix.

00:09:33.000 Yeah.

00:09:34.000 Dude, imagine taking a Conan appearance, which was massive at the time, and you go, nah, I'm going to use this for fun.

00:09:39.000 I'm not going to try to promote myself.

00:09:41.000 DJ Dadmouth is my favorite character that everybody's ever brought to a morning TV show.

00:09:46.000 When you used to do that?

00:09:47.000 That was so fun.

00:09:48.000 I loved that you were doing that because I hated those shows.

00:09:50.000 I was like, why would he do those shows?

00:09:52.000 But then when you do morning TV dressed up like a fake rapper, for people who don't know, Segura created a character called DJ Dadmouth and he would just show up places and the people did not know what the fuck to do with him because the lowest rung in all of show business is morning television host.

00:09:52.000 Morning TV is terrible.

00:10:11.000 I'm so sorry if you listen to this and you're a local morning television host.

00:10:15.000 Look, I used to deliver newspapers.

00:10:17.000 Way better than morning host.

00:10:19.000 It's one of the lowest rungs in all of showbuses.

00:10:22.000 It's a weird rung where you're trapped.

00:10:24.000 It's the worst.

00:10:25.000 It's like you're broadcasting out of a Christian convenience store or something.

00:10:29.000 It's very strange.

00:10:30.000 The worst part, too, is that the four of us, plus 90% of the acts working those clubs, do not have a fan base watching that show.

00:10:39.000 No way!

00:10:40.000 No way!

00:10:40.000 So you put it together, you're like, this is definitely a waste of time.

00:10:44.000 We're wasting our time right now.

00:10:45.000 And then if that's the only one that morning...

00:10:48.000 We're like, you woke me up at fucking six to do this?

00:10:50.000 To do Good Morning Hartford.

00:10:52.000 It only works when you get in trouble.

00:10:56.000 I remember one time I got shirtless and went up in the weather and started saying, there's thunderstorms.

00:11:03.000 Tom did DJ. Have you ever seen Mark Normans?

00:11:05.000 Mark Normans is great.

00:11:06.000 When he just goes up and she goes, how you doing?

00:11:08.000 He goes, kind of gay.

00:11:09.000 Let's get this started.

00:11:10.000 Horny.

00:11:10.000 Hungover.

00:11:11.000 Look at you.

00:11:12.000 I mean, he just destroys, but totally ruined the relationship for the club.

00:11:17.000 Really?

00:11:17.000 Did he really?

00:11:18.000 100%.

00:11:19.000 No, I went in there afterwards.

00:11:20.000 How about Tracy Morgan?

00:11:21.000 Tracy Morgan's was my first one.

00:11:22.000 Yeah, that's the fucking legendary one.

00:11:25.000 We're going to get pregnant up a hill.

00:11:26.000 That's the one where he talks to...

00:11:27.000 Someone's going to get pregnant.

00:11:28.000 Horace Grant!

00:11:29.000 Holla!

00:11:30.000 He starts laughing.

00:11:31.000 That's my mating call.

00:11:33.000 But they're dying.

00:11:34.000 They are dying.

00:11:36.000 When he does that big one in Chicago, he was in Chicago for sure, because I know he kept hollering at bulls to get him in the middle of it.

00:11:44.000 He just crashed his $2 million Bugatti today.

00:11:49.000 Today?

00:11:49.000 Yep.

00:11:50.000 A Honda sideswiped him.

00:11:52.000 Whoa.

00:11:53.000 In Hell's Kitchen.

00:11:54.000 Some dirty, Honda-driving savage ran into a $2 million Italian sports car.

00:12:02.000 I did a show with him like a year and a half ago, one of the oddball shows, and he came in an all-white Rolls-Royce with a Like with a driver, you know, like a chauffeur.

00:12:14.000 And he came in all white and had like a fucking enormous gold chain with a medallion TM. And I was like, that chain looks crazy.

00:12:24.000 He's like 600,000.

00:12:25.000 Some crazy shit.

00:12:27.000 This is today?

00:12:28.000 Look at this guy.

00:12:30.000 Sideswipe Tracy Morgan's convertible $2 million Bugatti.

00:12:34.000 What?

00:12:35.000 He's letting people know.

00:12:36.000 What's he been wearing?

00:12:40.000 The Honda's defense.

00:12:41.000 It's a very low car.

00:12:42.000 He has a high car.

00:12:43.000 He probably looked over, saw nothing.

00:12:45.000 Fuck you.

00:12:46.000 Didn't know it was a car that was like two feet off the ground.

00:12:48.000 It's such a small car.

00:12:50.000 Those cars are so hard to see if you're right next to them.

00:12:52.000 What does that dude's insurance say when he calls?

00:12:54.000 You what?!

00:12:55.000 I don't know if we can cover this.

00:12:57.000 You don't fuck!

00:12:59.000 That'll probably be like the final straw.

00:13:01.000 Yeah.

00:13:02.000 Probably kick him off the contract.

00:13:03.000 Yeah, for sure.

00:13:04.000 Was that Tracy Morgan interview?

00:13:05.000 That had to be an inspiration to doing the DJ Dadmouth, right?

00:13:08.000 To me, that was the first one I remember.

00:13:10.000 I guess someone could fuck with them.

00:13:10.000 Like, whoa.

00:13:12.000 You could fuck with them in that way, yeah.

00:13:13.000 I mean, yeah.

00:13:15.000 It was funny because some people would be really into having fun with you, like the Tracy Morgan people.

00:13:24.000 Yeah.

00:13:40.000 She just wasn't into it.

00:13:41.000 And then she called.

00:13:42.000 Like, we called the PR person that drove us to the club.

00:13:46.000 Or to the event.

00:13:46.000 You didn't realize she's in the car.

00:13:47.000 Yeah, she goes, what the fuck was that?

00:13:49.000 She was like, that guy's so weird.

00:13:51.000 Don't bring stuff like that in here.

00:13:54.000 I was like, that's the whole point.

00:13:55.000 We don't want to come in here.

00:13:56.000 They...

00:13:56.000 They think that what they're doing is serious.

00:13:58.000 We're providing a wonderful morning show for downtown Pittsburgh.

00:14:03.000 You're showing them how to make fucking pastrami sandwiches.

00:14:06.000 Exactly.

00:14:07.000 So dumb.

00:14:08.000 What a great sandwich.

00:14:10.000 Hey, thanks a lot.

00:14:11.000 We've got the Christian youth group who's going to sing for us next.

00:14:14.000 I tried shitting on the last time I went to Cleveland.

00:14:15.000 It was the normal one.

00:14:16.000 That's why I know the relationship's still fine.

00:14:18.000 But there was a doctor before me.

00:14:19.000 I was like, why does he wear his fucking...

00:14:21.000 Doctor outfit to do this.

00:14:23.000 On the way, he put a sweater on and left.

00:14:26.000 Why can't that be him?

00:14:27.000 And the guy's like, I don't know!

00:14:28.000 It feels like you're stepping into Truman Show stuff.

00:14:30.000 It's so contrived.

00:14:32.000 There's nothing real about it.

00:14:32.000 Especially when there's a 22-year-old PA or associate producer.

00:14:37.000 One time I went in and I said, yeah, I'm already drunk from doing radio.

00:14:40.000 I go, just put the mic on my necklace.

00:14:42.000 I go, I'm going to take my shirt off.

00:14:42.000 And she goes, why?

00:14:43.000 She goes, you will not be doing that.

00:14:45.000 And I said, you don't tell me what to do.

00:14:47.000 She was like, excuse me, I'll be right back.

00:14:49.000 And it came back and she goes, what is in your cup?

00:14:52.000 And I said, whiskey.

00:14:53.000 And she was like, he's drinking!

00:14:56.000 She told on you?

00:14:56.000 He's drinking!

00:14:57.000 Oh my god.

00:14:58.000 And I was just like, we should probably leave.

00:15:00.000 So you just left?

00:15:01.000 I just left.

00:15:02.000 I was like, I don't want to get anyone fired.

00:15:03.000 She's telling you you can't take your shirt off.

00:15:05.000 Or have a drink.

00:15:07.000 Or have a drink.

00:15:07.000 Yeah.

00:15:08.000 I love how it's like she's telling me she found something out.

00:15:10.000 You're like, I was poor you in front of everybody.

00:15:12.000 I don't want to drink out of the bottle.

00:15:14.000 She thinks she's at an insurance company.

00:15:16.000 Yeah.

00:15:17.000 It's hilarious when people don't know what job they're in and try to take it more seriously.

00:15:20.000 If one of those morning shows fucked off, like the way we're talking about it, it'd be like the best morning show.

00:15:24.000 It'd be great.

00:15:24.000 It'd be so much better.

00:15:25.000 Tom Green had a great, great one I'm remembering now, back when he was like public access and he was trying to promote his public access that became the Tom Green show and he just took over.

00:15:33.000 He did some crazy shit, man.

00:15:35.000 Pies in the face.

00:15:35.000 Yeah, exactly.

00:15:36.000 You know what's amazing is like him and then that other dude, Jamie Kennedy, they did their best shit where they were like pranking people.

00:15:43.000 Jackass?

00:15:43.000 And then they just stopped.

00:15:45.000 Yeah.

00:15:45.000 Man, but Tom's blew up so crazy, man.

00:15:48.000 So crazy.

00:15:49.000 When Tom Green was on, it was stuff I couldn't even believe.

00:15:52.000 Tom Green did Oprah.

00:15:55.000 Wow.

00:15:56.000 Did he really?

00:15:57.000 Oprah was like, it was such a phenomenon what was going on.

00:15:57.000 Yes.

00:16:00.000 The show was so big.

00:16:02.000 He milked a cow with his mouth.

00:16:04.000 Yeah.

00:16:04.000 He put Slutmobile on his dad's car.

00:16:07.000 Oh my God, on his parents'.

00:16:09.000 And then hid in the bushes.

00:16:10.000 He didn't just like, let me fuck with this amount of people.

00:16:10.000 Yeah.

00:16:12.000 Like, my mommy and daddy.

00:16:13.000 Did people forget?

00:16:14.000 Did people forget Tom Green?

00:16:16.000 What happened?

00:16:17.000 People forgot.

00:16:17.000 No, he got ball cancer, had to take a break, came back and tried to do like a more serious show with Humperdinck.

00:16:23.000 What's his guy's name?

00:16:23.000 But what I'm saying is people forgot how big it used to be.

00:16:26.000 Oh, they may have forgotten how big it was.

00:16:28.000 Tom Green was one of the man.

00:16:30.000 What he did was he did what we're all doing way before any of us, but it was when bandwidth was too expensive.

00:16:36.000 He had his own podcast.

00:16:36.000 He did.

00:16:37.000 I did it.

00:16:38.000 You did?

00:16:39.000 I did it at his house.

00:16:39.000 It was part of the inspiration for me doing one.

00:16:42.000 I even talked to his company.

00:16:45.000 They were based in Denver.

00:16:46.000 I was in Denver doing the Comedy Works and I talked to the company that was doing it for him.

00:16:50.000 And I was seriously considering doing something like that.

00:16:52.000 But the problem was...

00:16:55.000 Bandwidth is crazy expensive.

00:16:56.000 He had cables running from the desk all the way through his living room into a server room.

00:17:01.000 He had a server room.

00:17:02.000 And it was crazy.

00:17:04.000 How much money is involved in this?

00:17:05.000 He's like, a fuckload of money.

00:17:06.000 And he goes like, I have to have all these people running it too.

00:17:09.000 That was Tom Green's.

00:17:10.000 That's me and Tom Green.

00:17:11.000 So what essentially it was, was he decided to try to do a talk show host.

00:17:17.000 I remember that Joe Rogan, the fucking long sleeve under the short sleeve.

00:17:20.000 That was my look, bro.

00:17:21.000 That Joe Rogan.

00:17:22.000 I had my look for a while.

00:17:23.000 With the torn jeans.

00:17:24.000 You were like, I'm not coming to Hollywood.

00:17:27.000 I'm giving up.

00:17:29.000 That was all based on one switch he had in his house.

00:17:33.000 I know.

00:17:33.000 He'd just go on and flip a switch, and the show went on and went live.

00:17:36.000 So me and Red Band looked at it, and we're like, well, how much is involved in this?

00:17:40.000 What would we have to do to do something like this?

00:17:42.000 And then, you know, eventually it just led to...

00:17:46.000 But that and Cumia.

00:17:47.000 Anthony Cumia, that was a big one.

00:17:49.000 Yeah.

00:17:50.000 He had that live from the compound in his basement.

00:17:52.000 And then the way that Opie and Anthony ran their show was an inspiration too.

00:17:56.000 Because it was just a hangout.

00:17:57.000 And it was my favorite show to listen to.

00:17:59.000 It was just a bunch of guys hanging out, talking.

00:18:02.000 I was like, that's what I want to do.

00:18:04.000 Four hours of them eating oatmeal.

00:18:05.000 I remember they'd just eat oatmeal.

00:18:07.000 And you'd be like, oh yeah.

00:18:08.000 I was a big fan back then.

00:18:10.000 On the show, they would eat oatmeal?

00:18:11.000 Oh.

00:18:12.000 You'd tune in early.

00:18:13.000 On O&A? On O&A and they'd just be eating breakfast.

00:18:16.000 And just go in.

00:18:17.000 Jim would take a shit and be gone for 30 minutes.

00:18:19.000 Because they didn't have any.

00:18:20.000 When they first started.

00:18:21.000 Fat Jim Norton.

00:18:21.000 Fat Jim.

00:18:22.000 Fat Jim Norton.

00:18:23.000 Back in the day.

00:18:24.000 They didn't have any advertisers.

00:18:26.000 So they had to fill four hours of content.

00:18:28.000 So they literally.

00:18:29.000 I mean.

00:18:30.000 Everything went.

00:18:31.000 Yeah, when they first started on SiriusXM, they had to fill four hours of content.

00:18:35.000 Oh yeah, no commercials back then.

00:18:36.000 There's no commercials.

00:18:37.000 Isn't that crazy that Sirius said, hey, we don't have commercials.

00:18:37.000 That was the pitch.

00:18:41.000 You pay for it.

00:18:42.000 You pay for it.

00:18:43.000 And then they just started selling commercials.

00:18:44.000 Like, wait a minute.

00:18:46.000 Aren't I fucking paying for this?

00:18:48.000 Yeah.

00:18:48.000 And you got commercials too?

00:18:49.000 Yeah.

00:18:50.000 That's because Howard got to get to the paper, kid.

00:18:52.000 It's weird.

00:18:53.000 People at the helm have no fucking integrity.

00:18:55.000 He gets caked up.

00:18:56.000 He gets caked up still.

00:18:57.000 No matter how.

00:18:58.000 I mean, he's locked up in a contract for Liz Ive, son.

00:19:02.000 I thought it was about to come up.

00:19:04.000 Whenever he wants more money, I'm sure.

00:19:04.000 Whatever.

00:19:06.000 That's what Howard would do.

00:19:07.000 But he makes an ass load of money.

00:19:12.000 There's no one even close.

00:19:13.000 No, dude.

00:19:15.000 Second place is distant.

00:19:17.000 He's a huge shareholder.

00:19:19.000 Do you remember that lawsuit, too?

00:19:20.000 They're like, if we can get over, let's say the number was 100 million subscribers, I get this gigantic bonus.

00:19:25.000 And then they bought...

00:19:26.000 Serious.

00:19:27.000 Serious.

00:19:28.000 And they're like, that took us from 60, plus another 40 is 100. So I get it.

00:19:31.000 He goes, no, we acquired that.

00:19:33.000 And he goes, nah.

00:19:34.000 Pay me, motherfuckers.

00:19:35.000 And I don't know what happened with it, but fucking Jew move right there.

00:19:40.000 Respect.

00:19:41.000 You guys are done with your beef?

00:19:43.000 I don't want to be with him.

00:19:44.000 I just think he should retire.

00:19:45.000 But anyway, the point is this.

00:19:47.000 The point is he did a good thing for this.

00:19:49.000 But basically what he was saying was that the only reason that deal took place at all was because he was...

00:19:56.000 Was it Sirius or XM? He was Sirius and they bought XM. Right, right, right.

00:20:01.000 So...

00:20:02.000 The only reason why Sirius was kicking ass at all was because of Howard fucking Stern, period.

00:20:06.000 There was nothing on Sirius other than him.

00:20:08.000 Yeah, they wouldn't have acquired XM. And also, the model was so suspect at the time.

00:20:16.000 You're going to leave terrestrial radio and go to a place where people have to pay for what they just turn on?

00:20:20.000 He deserves it.

00:20:21.000 Here's why.

00:20:22.000 No one else could have carried that thing.

00:20:24.000 No one else.

00:20:25.000 He was radio.

00:20:26.000 And especially at that time, during that transition to satellite, no one else would have got people to commit to having a fucking satellite dish in your car.

00:20:35.000 Remember you had those stupid fucking antennas that you used to have to put in your car to get To get serious?

00:20:40.000 The wire went all the way through your car.

00:20:42.000 It was gross!

00:20:42.000 This fucking stupid thing that would stick up like a pigtail out of the roof of your car.

00:20:46.000 Do you remember those?

00:20:47.000 Yeah, and how it would cut out for like every turn, any corner.

00:20:51.000 Anytime there was a building in New York City, anytime something blocked it, any tunnel was dead.

00:20:56.000 The city that it existed in.

00:20:58.000 Yeah.

00:20:59.000 Whatever money that company makes, the only reason it's still in business is because of Howard Stern.

00:21:04.000 For sure.

00:21:04.000 Only reason.

00:21:05.000 Yeah.

00:21:06.000 For sure.

00:21:07.000 That's it.

00:21:07.000 Yeah.

00:21:08.000 I had XM. And it was...

00:21:10.000 Until Bennington and Opie and Anthony showed up, it was painful.

00:21:14.000 I would listen to Yacht Rock.

00:21:15.000 Yeah.

00:21:16.000 Oh, yeah.

00:21:16.000 It was cool, though.

00:21:17.000 You're like, 90s rock.

00:21:18.000 Three different channels of that.

00:21:19.000 A hundred different channels.

00:21:20.000 Awesome.

00:21:20.000 Yeah, it was worth a dollar a year.

00:21:22.000 Bennington's the best, dude.

00:21:23.000 Bennington's great.

00:21:24.000 He's the best.

00:21:25.000 Dude, he's been doing on stage lately.

00:21:27.000 He did my storytelling show too recently and did the same thing.

00:21:29.000 Just talking about the good old days of fucking drug addiction in New York.

00:21:32.000 Oh, he used to get down, dude.

00:21:33.000 He describes the city that you're like, oh my god, I want to be there.

00:21:36.000 He used to get down.

00:21:38.000 When did you go?

00:21:39.000 What year?

00:21:39.000 What?

00:21:40.000 First time in the city.

00:21:41.000 I went there six years.

00:21:43.000 Oh, first time I've ever been there?

00:21:44.000 Yeah.

00:21:45.000 Did you see Times Square when it was Times Square?

00:21:45.000 Oh.

00:21:47.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:21:48.000 But I was like, what's that woman wearing a bra?

00:21:51.000 Just a bra.

00:21:52.000 My mom was like, eh, whatever.

00:21:54.000 What they did at Times Square, they turned Times Square into like a Disney mall.

00:21:58.000 It's disgusting.

00:21:58.000 It is.

00:21:59.000 It's New York's version of like Disneyland.

00:22:02.000 It's disgusting.

00:22:02.000 It's weird.

00:22:03.000 And it's a nightmare whenever you're visiting and also, you know, like when you're visiting, you're in a car and we need to go to this and all of a sudden you look up and you're like, are we in fucking Times Square?

00:22:13.000 Like you're just driving through it.

00:22:14.000 I'm like, we gotta get out of here, man.

00:22:15.000 Right.

00:22:15.000 Like the chaos.

00:22:17.000 It's too commercialized.

00:22:19.000 It's so commercial for no reason.

00:22:21.000 It feels like everything that makes New York amazing is gone.

00:22:24.000 You used to do a funny joke about it, that you go for a meeting, and then you're walking, and people are just looking up, and he's like, why?

00:22:30.000 He's like, oh, fuck, I'm at Times Square!

00:22:31.000 Fuck!

00:22:32.000 Jim Gaffigan.

00:22:32.000 Who says that?

00:22:33.000 That's funny.

00:22:35.000 Well, it's very Vegas-esque.

00:22:38.000 It's like walking down the Strip.

00:22:40.000 Yes, it is.

00:22:41.000 Or the lights and the...

00:22:43.000 It's fake.

00:22:44.000 There's no M&M's.

00:22:45.000 That's not where it was invented.

00:22:46.000 So why is that a giant M&M's store?

00:22:48.000 And when you used to know what it was like, like peep shows and XXX everywhere, it was seedy and weird.

00:22:54.000 Yeah.

00:22:55.000 Dangerous.

00:22:56.000 Yeah, it was dangerous.

00:22:57.000 Like, legitimately dangerous.

00:22:58.000 I mean, the worst time, what, 70s, 80s, right?

00:23:01.000 That was like the worst crime time?

00:23:02.000 Late 70s into the mid to late 80s?

00:23:06.000 I was hanging out in New York in the 80s.

00:23:08.000 That was my pool hustling days.

00:23:11.000 And I was doing a lot of gigs.

00:23:14.000 I guess it wasn't the 80s.

00:23:15.000 It was the 90s.

00:23:16.000 The early 90s.

00:23:17.000 Because by 91 was, I think, the first time I ever performed in New York.

00:23:21.000 91 or maybe 92. Damn, really?

00:23:22.000 Yeah.

00:23:23.000 Well, this is like you're just starting out, though, kind of.

00:23:25.000 You were going to Amsterdam Billiard then?

00:23:26.000 Yes.

00:23:27.000 No, it was Chelsea.

00:23:28.000 Chelsea Billiards.

00:23:30.000 We would go to Amsterdam, but Amsterdam was on the west side back then.

00:23:33.000 It was on Amsterdam.

00:23:35.000 Oh, it moved.

00:23:35.000 That's why it was called Amsterdam Billiards.

00:23:36.000 That makes sense.

00:23:37.000 It was on the west side.

00:23:38.000 It was an awesome place.

00:23:39.000 That's where I became friends with Dom Herrera.

00:23:41.000 Played pool with him in 94 at Amsterdam Billiards.

00:23:44.000 I didn't know he played.

00:23:45.000 When I meet a pool player, a comic who actually plays, Dom could play.

00:23:49.000 He called me today.

00:23:50.000 I'm working on a podcast.

00:23:50.000 I can't wait.

00:23:51.000 I love that guy.

00:23:52.000 I love him so much.

00:23:53.000 But New York was a different place, man.

00:23:56.000 I was around a lot of these weirdo, homeless, grifter-type characters.

00:24:00.000 A lot of dudes would get arrested for doing three-card money.

00:24:03.000 The pool hall was like...

00:24:05.000 The best education of street culture, people who live on the street, I mean.

00:24:10.000 People who are basically homeless.

00:24:12.000 Sometimes they'll stay here or there.

00:24:14.000 My friend Johnny was always staying in people's house.

00:24:16.000 He stayed at my house for some time.

00:24:18.000 He would stay in these weird little hostels and flop houses in New York and places that didn't have a roof.

00:24:23.000 You'd have walls, but there would be no roofs.

00:24:25.000 Everybody could hear everybody.

00:24:26.000 I remember as a kid in that era, the perception that you had of New York is like, This is nothing but crime.

00:24:34.000 They were just like, this is dangerous.

00:24:35.000 You're not allowed to go.

00:24:36.000 Well, Giuliani, you know, he clamped down on all that shit.

00:24:39.000 I remember when I moved and I found a place and I came back to get my stuff and I told Neil Brennan, I was like, I don't think they have bars in my back window.

00:24:46.000 Do I need that?

00:24:46.000 He goes, oh, dude, read the crime stats.

00:24:48.000 It's a different city, though.

00:24:49.000 It's just not that city anymore.

00:24:51.000 Yeah, it's the safest big city in the world.

00:24:53.000 It was already safe there.

00:24:54.000 97, I mean, I don't remember any crime, although I did get taken in three-card money a number of times.

00:25:00.000 But they didn't force you.

00:25:02.000 Anytime I saw three-card money, you know my brain, I'm like, I fucking got this.

00:25:06.000 I fucking put money down.

00:25:07.000 Hilarious.

00:25:07.000 Dude, that, and they used to have this game where they had a nail and a piece of board, and you had a hammer, and you had three shots to get the nail in.

00:25:15.000 They have that in Thailand.

00:25:16.000 Dude, I do that every fucking time.

00:25:19.000 It's so hard.

00:25:19.000 There were so many hustlers.

00:25:21.000 There were so many hustlers, right?

00:25:23.000 Back in those days in New York.

00:25:25.000 So many people trying to get off some kind of scam.

00:25:28.000 Yeah, I've been scammed by a driver in New York.

00:25:31.000 How?

00:25:31.000 What?

00:25:32.000 Like, this was not even that long ago.

00:25:34.000 I mean, it was probably like seven, eight years.

00:25:36.000 No, like, you get in the cab, and you're like, you know, if you don't live there, but you kind of know, like, the layout, you're just like, basically, I want to go up, you know, 20 blocks this way, right?

00:25:46.000 And the guy...

00:25:47.000 Just goes across town and starts going up the opposite highway from where we were.

00:25:53.000 I'm like, what are we doing exactly?

00:25:56.000 You could track yourself on your phone.

00:25:57.000 Yeah, I'm just looking at it like, what are we doing?

00:26:00.000 I go, couldn't you have just gone up that avenue that we were on?

00:26:03.000 He was like, I don't know what's going on, man.

00:26:06.000 I go, this is fucking outrageous.

00:26:08.000 And then when we pull up, I see the meter going.

00:26:10.000 I'm like, this is crazy.

00:26:11.000 That was supposed to be a 10-minute drive, and it's taking 40 minutes.

00:26:15.000 He goes, just pay me whatever you want to pay me.

00:26:17.000 What?

00:26:17.000 Yeah, and I go, okay.

00:26:19.000 It's because he didn't want to get caught.

00:26:20.000 Yeah, and I go, okay.

00:26:21.000 So I go, like, the thing said, like, $68, and I was like, here's 20 bucks.

00:26:26.000 He's like, that's it?

00:26:26.000 I go, you said we want to pay.

00:26:28.000 That's what I want to pay.

00:26:29.000 So, I'll see you, man.

00:26:31.000 Yeah, but he was totally...

00:26:33.000 And he was cool with it?

00:26:33.000 Yeah, because he totally did fuck me.

00:26:36.000 He scammed you.

00:26:36.000 Yeah.

00:26:37.000 I did that in Israel once, in Jerusalem.

00:26:39.000 When I got there, I took a...

00:26:41.000 I was like, take me to B'nai Brock.

00:26:43.000 And I didn't realize I was three blocks over.

00:26:46.000 He just told me, like, oh, it's right there, dude.

00:26:48.000 But instead he took me around the city and then let me off.

00:26:51.000 And then when I wanted to go home afterwards, I was like, what?

00:26:54.000 It's right here!

00:26:56.000 That's how you find out.

00:26:57.000 Yeah, that's how you find out.

00:26:57.000 I found out on my way on that cab ride because I started texting people at the next place.

00:27:02.000 I was like, I was just leaving here, and I'm going to see you.

00:27:05.000 Should I be on the fucking highway?

00:27:07.000 Do I need my passport?

00:27:08.000 Yeah, and they're like, no.

00:27:10.000 See, you didn't speak Spanish in that moment?

00:27:12.000 He was not from...

00:27:14.000 See, I would have taken...

00:27:14.000 I would have taken...

00:27:15.000 I would have gone right to Spanish.

00:27:16.000 Gone to a language that makes me feel powerful.

00:27:19.000 Nigerian.

00:27:19.000 I got pickpocketed in Florence, and I went into Russian.

00:27:24.000 Every word I knew in Russian, I yelled at the guy.

00:27:24.000 Everything...

00:27:26.000 And he ran.

00:27:27.000 Because he was like, I don't know what I'm doing.

00:27:28.000 He was like, Russians are fucking animals.

00:27:30.000 You should have yelled out, America, you fucking traitor.

00:27:32.000 You should have yelled out, America, and take your fucking shirt off, and said, I'm the machine, and started running after him.

00:27:38.000 Trump, motherfucker, what?

00:27:39.000 And then my wife yells up behind me.

00:27:41.000 He's more scared of you than you are now.

00:27:43.000 He doesn't do cocaine!

00:27:44.000 He doesn't do cocaine!

00:27:45.000 He's afraid of cocaine!

00:27:46.000 He's a type of pressure!

00:27:47.000 Ah, that's hilarious.

00:27:49.000 You should write that down.

00:27:50.000 You should write that down.

00:27:52.000 You should write that whole thing down about you talking about on the radio.

00:27:55.000 That is hilarious.

00:27:56.000 You should totally be doing that on stage.

00:27:57.000 Then, because the audience is going to be like, so wait, what do you do?

00:28:00.000 Then you pull out coke and you do a bump.

00:28:01.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:28:03.000 And then you start making no sense and then blood comes out of your nose.

00:28:07.000 You can do meth if you want if you don't want to do the coke that night.

00:28:07.000 Dude, it's an awesome show.

00:28:10.000 You take your high blood pressure medication on stage in front of the crowd.

00:28:14.000 Yeah.

00:28:16.000 You know what I'd love to start growing is cocoa plants.

00:28:18.000 The kind where you just chew the leaves.

00:28:20.000 I don't think you can grow them here.

00:28:21.000 I don't think the climate's suitable.

00:28:23.000 You can get there.

00:28:24.000 Yeah.

00:28:25.000 I bet you can get some.

00:28:26.000 You could organize a closet with some heat lamps and shit.

00:28:30.000 Do you think so?

00:28:31.000 Yeah, for sure.

00:28:33.000 Just to chew a little bit.

00:28:35.000 Let's find out.

00:28:36.000 How many people are growing their own coca leaves in the United States?

00:28:40.000 I don't think anyone would want to.

00:28:41.000 Why not?

00:28:42.000 I would love to.

00:28:43.000 I think you need so much of it.

00:28:45.000 To make cocaine.

00:28:47.000 You just make those Peruvian leaves.

00:28:48.000 You just want to be like one of those bears.

00:28:50.000 I feel like people would be doing that.

00:28:51.000 I would love to talk to Aubrey Marcus.

00:28:53.000 The crazy thing is when you chew those leaves, it's actually not bad for you at all.

00:28:58.000 And the tea, the coca tea is great.

00:28:58.000 It's great.

00:29:00.000 Yeah.

00:29:00.000 I've had that.

00:29:01.000 That'll settle your nausea, you know, especially when you get to like...

00:29:04.000 I'm serious.

00:29:05.000 Everyone starts drinking it.

00:29:07.000 Sign me up.

00:29:08.000 It's great.

00:29:09.000 Isn't it crazy that everybody just thinks of this one thing as the processed, chemicalized fucking version that Scarface and...

00:29:18.000 I mean, how many people have died because of cocaine?

00:29:20.000 Oh, my God.

00:29:21.000 Good Lord.

00:29:22.000 How many murders?

00:29:23.000 Is there another drug on the planet that has inspired more murders than cocaine?

00:29:28.000 Yeah, right?

00:29:28.000 I would love to know murders versus number of dicks sucked for it.

00:29:32.000 Oh, that'd be good.

00:29:33.000 So many dicks sucked.

00:29:34.000 Way more dicks sucked.

00:29:35.000 Man, if everybody got murdered every time they did coke, they don't.

00:29:38.000 But a lot of people get their dicks sucked when they don't coke.

00:29:41.000 It might not be everybody, but it's like 30%.

00:29:44.000 Because girls can't afford Coke, too, if they're young and they're partying and they're out and some fucking guy comes along with a fat Tracy Morgan-like gold chain.

00:29:54.000 That's how good Coke is, though.

00:29:56.000 That's how good it is, right?

00:29:58.000 That people are like, for sure, I'll just blow this stranger to have that.

00:30:02.000 I knew guys who would get Coke that didn't do Coke.

00:30:06.000 They would get Coke just so they have Coke.

00:30:08.000 So have it around for those whore women.

00:30:09.000 If girls want a coke.

00:30:10.000 Wow.

00:30:11.000 Because some girls, when they want coke, they're like, I am calling somebody and I'm going to get some fucking coke and I'm going to leave here.

00:30:16.000 Hold on.

00:30:16.000 Wow.

00:30:17.000 Hold on.

00:30:17.000 We got some coke.

00:30:18.000 Next thing you know, there's a goddamn orgy going on.

00:30:20.000 Yee-haw!

00:30:22.000 Some of it's just girls are like, oh, I know my blowjob is worse stuff, so what can I get out of it?

00:30:25.000 What am I looking for?

00:30:27.000 My brother-in-law told me that he went to Woodstock 2, you know, like, what, 20 years ago, whatever it was?

00:30:31.000 And he said, this guy got out of, one of his friends got out of a long line.

00:30:34.000 This is an Orthodox Jew.

00:30:35.000 Got out of a long line with a bunch of food.

00:30:37.000 Like, it took forever to get through concessions.

00:30:39.000 And she goes, look, I'm not waiting on the line.

00:30:40.000 I'll blow you for that food.

00:30:41.000 And he goes, yeah, sure, let's do it.

00:30:43.000 Wow.

00:30:44.000 Absolutely.

00:30:44.000 She sucked his dick for food.

00:30:45.000 Yeah.

00:30:46.000 For food.

00:30:47.000 That's like your chimps.

00:30:47.000 She's hungry.

00:30:48.000 She's hungry.

00:30:48.000 She's got a little extra protein.

00:30:50.000 How?

00:30:51.000 We had Be Real from Cypress Hill.

00:30:55.000 He was showing us the footage of him on stage crowd surfing.

00:30:59.000 He was on stage in Woodstock.

00:31:02.000 Half a million people in the fucking crowd.

00:31:04.000 And then goes out into the crowd, crowd surfs, and they stole his sneakers.

00:31:08.000 They took his sneakers and both people, both left and the right sneaker, they came to one of his shows and he signed it in the future.

00:31:16.000 Dude, I got your shoe from Woodstock.

00:31:18.000 He signed it.

00:31:18.000 He's like, fuck yeah, and he signed it.

00:31:19.000 That's crazy.

00:31:20.000 It's the video of him on stage in front of half a million people.

00:31:24.000 It is insane.

00:31:25.000 I love how they, the Flanders Hill, have not wavered at all from their day one.

00:31:30.000 Not at all.

00:31:32.000 All day.

00:31:33.000 If you open their Instagram right now, it's just like, check it out.

00:31:37.000 You're fucking 30 years deep into this shit.

00:31:39.000 They don't fuck around at all.

00:31:41.000 Cypress Hill's Instagram, half of it is weed videos with Cypress Hill music in the background.

00:31:46.000 It's crazy.

00:31:47.000 It's just videos of people doing wax and dabs and bong hits with Cypress Hill in the background.

00:31:52.000 That first album was so good.

00:31:53.000 So good.

00:31:54.000 Do you think they get high the way we get high?

00:31:56.000 Dude, I know they do.

00:31:57.000 I went with them.

00:31:58.000 They get way higher than us.

00:31:59.000 No, no, but I'm saying, are they out of it?

00:32:02.000 Look, he's fine.

00:32:02.000 No, man.

00:32:03.000 I did his show.

00:32:05.000 He's got that show called The Smoke Box.

00:32:08.000 In the car.

00:32:09.000 By the way, can I just say...

00:32:11.000 I thought you were an old Chinese guy.

00:32:12.000 I was barbecued.

00:32:13.000 I wasn't even there.

00:32:14.000 I was in another dimension.

00:32:14.000 Are you serious?

00:32:15.000 Yeah.

00:32:17.000 See, I would just have a panic attack.

00:32:18.000 I saw a picture of you and it looked like you were.

00:32:20.000 I was like, oh.

00:32:21.000 We smoked so much before we ever got in the car.

00:32:24.000 I was like, I can't believe we're going to keep going.

00:32:26.000 And he's like totally normal.

00:32:27.000 Oh, as normal as can be, son.

00:32:29.000 He's a professional stoner.

00:32:31.000 Him, send dog, mugs, they're just fine.

00:32:33.000 Yep.

00:32:34.000 That's not me.

00:32:35.000 That's me with booze, though.

00:32:37.000 I could definitely probably...

00:32:39.000 I always try to think of the celebrity I could go beer to beer for and then really hurt them.

00:32:44.000 Most of them.

00:32:45.000 Post Malone.

00:32:47.000 You think you could take them down?

00:32:48.000 Oh, you could take them down.

00:32:49.000 He's a child.

00:32:52.000 He's a young guy with scribbles on his face.

00:32:54.000 Dude, he's an awesome...

00:32:55.000 He's a great fucking musician.

00:32:58.000 His musician's awesome.

00:32:59.000 His tattoos are questionable.

00:33:01.000 They're odd.

00:33:02.000 Who do you think could really fucking take it down?

00:33:06.000 Yeah.

00:33:06.000 You know what I mean?

00:33:07.000 Who can drink you heavily?

00:33:09.000 I've thought about this a lot.

00:33:11.000 If I go for their cocktail, and I've got to match them cocktail to cocktail, I can keep pace with Stan Hope.

00:33:18.000 What?

00:33:18.000 That's a big one.

00:33:19.000 I can keep pace with Stan Hope.

00:33:20.000 Jesus.

00:33:20.000 Stan Hope doesn't drink as much as everyone thinks.

00:33:23.000 He just drinks...

00:33:24.000 Every day.

00:33:24.000 Constantly.

00:33:26.000 Consistent.

00:33:26.000 A lot of it's light beer, too, right?

00:33:29.000 Yeah.

00:33:29.000 He drinks a lot of light beer.

00:33:31.000 St. Helms, oddly enough, a lot healthier than I think people assume.

00:33:35.000 Ron White would be a tough one.

00:33:36.000 Oh, yeah.

00:33:37.000 Ron White told me he gets fucked up every night of the week.

00:33:41.000 That's possible.

00:33:41.000 It's like every night of the week.

00:33:43.000 Every night I go to Access.

00:33:45.000 Every night.

00:33:46.000 Every night.

00:33:46.000 That's all I know how to do.

00:33:48.000 Damn.

00:33:49.000 But he looks like a million dollars.

00:33:50.000 He looks better now than he did 10 years ago.

00:33:52.000 He's a happy man, I'll tell you that.

00:33:54.000 He looks great.

00:33:56.000 He's 38 years old.

00:34:04.000 So, boys, we're brought here for a reason.

00:34:06.000 Not just to talk shit.

00:34:07.000 Jesus.

00:34:08.000 We're trying to figure out how to do Sober October this year.

00:34:13.000 What are we going to do for Sober October?

00:34:15.000 I already have the answer, and I think it's early for me to say it now, so I'll wait until the end.

00:34:20.000 Oh, you son of a bastard.

00:34:21.000 Do you have your thoughts?

00:34:22.000 I know exactly what we're doing.

00:34:24.000 The sober part is happening, though, right?

00:34:26.000 The sober part is sober.

00:34:27.000 Yeah, we're going sober.

00:34:28.000 Tom's got an aggressive schedule.

00:34:30.000 I think we should go to no coffee.

00:34:31.000 Okay.

00:34:32.000 Ooh, really?

00:34:33.000 Ooh, step it up.

00:34:35.000 That's not sobriety, but I'm fine with that.

00:34:37.000 I drink a least amount of coffee.

00:34:38.000 Because I think we should make it harder.

00:34:40.000 No booze, no alcohol.

00:34:42.000 It's easy.

00:34:44.000 No coffee is its own thing.

00:34:45.000 Ooh, no water.

00:34:46.000 It's not sober.

00:34:47.000 You're not sober.

00:34:48.000 You're on a mild stimulant.

00:34:49.000 I think it's cheating.

00:34:50.000 I think we should go no coffee.

00:34:51.000 I like no coffee.

00:34:52.000 No coffee.

00:34:53.000 Only water.

00:34:54.000 Wait, wait, wait.

00:34:54.000 How about you can only drink water the whole month?

00:34:56.000 Jesus.

00:34:56.000 No other drinks?

00:34:57.000 Oh.

00:34:58.000 I'm fucking in.

00:34:59.000 No other drinks.

00:35:00.000 Sparks and water.

00:35:00.000 Would you fuck?

00:35:01.000 You can't have carbonated water?

00:35:03.000 Come on, bro.

00:35:04.000 Come on, man.

00:35:05.000 You can have carbonated water.

00:35:06.000 It's just water.

00:35:07.000 I'm ramping up.

00:35:08.000 I like where you're going with this joke.

00:35:08.000 No, that works.

00:35:10.000 Yeah, it's fine.

00:35:10.000 I'm ramping up.

00:35:11.000 I'm ready to go to war.

00:35:12.000 Wait.

00:35:13.000 Only water and carbonated water.

00:35:15.000 Yep.

00:35:15.000 I'll do that.

00:35:16.000 I'll do that.

00:35:17.000 I'll do that.

00:35:18.000 Oh, so no coffee.

00:35:19.000 So you wouldn't have milk in your coffee.

00:35:21.000 Wow.

00:35:21.000 Yeah.

00:35:22.000 No lying, bro.

00:35:23.000 We should go carnivore diet all month.

00:35:26.000 Nothing but ribeye steaks.

00:35:27.000 All right.

00:35:28.000 Relax.

00:35:29.000 Because.

00:35:29.000 Why not?

00:35:31.000 I'm willing to negotiate with what I think our challenge should be for what you think our restrictions should be.

00:35:38.000 Well, what do you think the challenge should be?

00:35:39.000 I have an idea of what challenge should be.

00:35:42.000 Wait, you have an idea?

00:35:43.000 What's yours?

00:35:44.000 This is about health, right?

00:35:45.000 Yes.

00:35:46.000 Health?

00:35:47.000 What do you want it to be?

00:35:49.000 I think it should be, if mental health is a legit part of health...

00:35:53.000 You should give up your fucking dopamine fucking addictions.

00:35:57.000 You mean cell phones?

00:35:58.000 Yeah, get rid of your cell phones and your social media for a month.

00:36:01.000 I get why you wouldn't do it because of your career.

00:36:04.000 You can email your fucking ladies to fucking post shit for you.

00:36:07.000 Ladies!

00:36:08.000 I enjoy social media.

00:36:09.000 Yeah, I know!

00:36:10.000 Oh, I don't enjoy booze!

00:36:14.000 It's not about not enjoying it.

00:36:16.000 I think you have a good point with this.

00:36:17.000 I really do.

00:36:17.000 I do.

00:36:18.000 I think about you sometimes when I feel like I've been on a flight or in a hotel room and I'm like, I think I've been looking at my phone for like three hours.

00:36:25.000 And haven't gone out.

00:36:27.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:36:28.000 I just think it takes the connective tissue away from this challenge to the people that enjoy watching this challenge.

00:36:36.000 I think a lot of people enjoy our show.

00:36:37.000 For sure, that will be a problem.

00:36:39.000 I mean, they won't be able to join in with us.

00:36:40.000 I'm ready to break my phone with a rock.

00:36:41.000 Let's do it.

00:36:42.000 And then November 1st, everyone's like, oh yeah, you guys did Sober October.

00:36:45.000 I forgot about that.

00:36:46.000 I could get each of you, and I'll tell.

00:36:48.000 And I understand, I'm not like Joe, who says do what I do, and then I'll just fucking have an easy time of it.

00:36:53.000 I will go with no cell phones.

00:36:55.000 I will do beyond what I already do.

00:36:58.000 I didn't do what you guys did, though.

00:37:01.000 Even though I did some yoga.

00:37:02.000 You were already doing yoga every day.

00:37:04.000 You slowed it down to join us.

00:37:05.000 But that was no challenge.

00:37:06.000 I know it was no challenge!

00:37:08.000 It was a challenge for us!

00:37:09.000 It was only a challenge for you!

00:37:11.000 It wasn't a challenge in that there was no contest.

00:37:11.000 You know what I'm saying?

00:37:14.000 If it was I had to do yoga the most.

00:37:18.000 Oh, right, right, right.

00:37:19.000 Maybe that's it.

00:37:21.000 Maybe that's it.

00:37:22.000 Maybe it's the most 90-minute yoga class.

00:37:24.000 No, for fuck's sake.

00:37:26.000 No, no, no.

00:37:28.000 I like that.

00:37:29.000 How many kills the most elks?

00:37:31.000 It's time to go to war.

00:37:32.000 Whoever kills the most elks and can reverse steer them.

00:37:35.000 It's time to go to war.

00:37:35.000 So you hear his mental health.

00:37:37.000 It's a good point.

00:37:38.000 We definitely look at these fucking things together.

00:37:41.000 You can also get a legit real camera if you wanted.

00:37:44.000 Film stuff.

00:37:45.000 Give it to your fucking assistant.

00:37:46.000 And have it posted.

00:37:47.000 So you could have it posted.

00:37:48.000 Figure this out and post whatever you need to.

00:37:50.000 How about this?

00:37:51.000 How about this?

00:37:53.000 We run the most miles in a month.

00:37:58.000 Is track it?

00:37:59.000 Yep, we track it.

00:38:00.000 We run.

00:38:01.000 Let me just go for a baseline right now.

00:38:03.000 How many miles a month do you run right now?

00:38:05.000 It's up there, man.

00:38:06.000 Okay, what about you, Bert?

00:38:07.000 It's up there!

00:38:09.000 It has to be real running.

00:38:11.000 I want it on GPS. I don't want that bullshit on a fucking treadmill.

00:38:15.000 The Rock's got new shoes with a Bluetooth capability in them.

00:38:19.000 We'll wear The Rock's underwear shoes.

00:38:22.000 We're going to run for miles.

00:38:25.000 That's not shit you're already doing.

00:38:27.000 I'm only running hills, man.

00:38:29.000 How many miles do you run when you go for a run now?

00:38:32.000 It's no more than an hour, hour and 15 minutes.

00:38:36.000 It's like half a marathon right there.

00:38:38.000 No.

00:38:39.000 Up hills?

00:38:39.000 Up hills he's probably running six miles.

00:38:42.000 I'm running some steep shit.

00:38:44.000 It's more sprinting.

00:38:49.000 There's a lot of plyometrics.

00:38:50.000 It's more like that.

00:38:51.000 You're not just flat running.

00:38:54.000 At a steady pace.

00:38:55.000 So do you sprint, run, walk?

00:38:56.000 Yeah, I'm chasing my dog, too.

00:38:57.000 I'm trying to make it hard.

00:38:59.000 I pretend things are chasing me.

00:39:00.000 I play little games in my head.

00:39:02.000 That's nice.

00:39:03.000 I pretend I have to get to the top where everyone I know dies.

00:39:05.000 Yeah, you're good at this.

00:39:07.000 Just give me a hint of that brain.

00:39:09.000 Whatever you got in your brain, give it to me a little bit when I work out.

00:39:11.000 You don't want it.

00:39:13.000 Yeah, because it ramps up.

00:39:14.000 It ramps up.

00:39:15.000 I was ready to go to work.

00:39:17.000 You know how crazy we were going, guys?

00:39:19.000 We were working out like six, seven hours a day.

00:39:21.000 Yeah, it was terrible, man.

00:39:22.000 But the whole time, I was like, I do zero working out.

00:39:25.000 You got jacked.

00:39:26.000 You did great.

00:39:27.000 You looked great, Ari.

00:39:29.000 Ari, when you were here, when we were like three weeks into the month, and you were here, we did a podcast together, and you used my fucking rower, you did an hour on the rower.

00:39:37.000 And you were ripped.

00:39:38.000 You have a six-pack.

00:39:39.000 I was like, look at this motherfucker.

00:39:40.000 That was pretty impressive.

00:39:41.000 An hour on the rower is real work.

00:39:44.000 That's real work.

00:39:45.000 You were not going to not get second.

00:39:47.000 I was not going to go last.

00:39:49.000 That's why I did not want to go last.

00:39:50.000 Here's what I'm hearing.

00:39:52.000 Ari wants to do a challenge that he already excels at.

00:39:54.000 I get it.

00:39:55.000 No, no, no, no, no.

00:39:56.000 You're already off your fucking phone.

00:39:57.000 And your complaint about Joe is that he keeps logging in things that he is good at.

00:40:04.000 So, I will take care of this.

00:40:06.000 Sister and gentlemen, are you ready?

00:40:08.000 We're here.

00:40:09.000 Let's hear it.

00:40:09.000 This year's Sober October Physical Challenge.

00:40:12.000 Why are you presenting it like a fucking presidential candidate?

00:40:14.000 It's like an apple.

00:40:15.000 When I win.

00:40:16.000 It's going to be good.

00:40:18.000 Hip-hop dance.

00:40:19.000 Get the fuck out of here.

00:40:20.000 Hip-hop dance.

00:40:21.000 Joe, hear me out.

00:40:22.000 Joe, hear me out.

00:40:22.000 I was like a broken arm.

00:40:23.000 You can't even spin.

00:40:24.000 Let me soft sell you.

00:40:25.000 Let me soft sell you, okay?

00:40:26.000 We each get a choreographer and we work dance classes as much as we can.

00:40:30.000 Dance classes are pretty aggressive.

00:40:32.000 And would we leave it to the audience to vote?

00:40:33.000 Hear me out.

00:40:34.000 When?

00:40:35.000 Starting when?

00:40:35.000 I like that idea, Joe.

00:40:36.000 We can do that.

00:40:37.000 Now hear me out.

00:40:37.000 Starting when?

00:40:38.000 First of October.

00:40:39.000 That's what you do on a pitch.

00:40:40.000 You make them think it was their idea.

00:40:41.000 Yeah, that's a great idea.

00:40:42.000 I want you to look over at that belt.

00:40:45.000 You're never getting that belt.

00:40:46.000 Hold on.

00:40:47.000 Hold on one second.

00:40:48.000 Guys, hear me out.

00:40:49.000 Everyone listen to me.

00:40:50.000 Yeah, you should wear that for this.

00:40:52.000 This could be good.

00:40:54.000 Oh, shit.

00:40:56.000 He's putting the fucking belt on.

00:41:00.000 Oh, okay.

00:41:01.000 Alright.

00:41:02.000 I haven't even touched this thing since October.

00:41:06.000 Same as me with any sort of running.

00:41:07.000 It's a dope belt, man.

00:41:08.000 We each gotta go to dance classes to get our skills set up.

00:41:10.000 We each work with a choreographer to create our own dance to the exact same song.

00:41:15.000 Let me know when you're done.

00:41:16.000 At the end?

00:41:17.000 At the end?

00:41:18.000 At the end, by the way, I'm selling this to the room.

00:41:20.000 Are you threading that through your jeans?

00:41:21.000 No, it has to get popped.

00:41:23.000 It's like snaps in the back.

00:41:25.000 It's a legit belt.

00:41:26.000 It's like snaps.

00:41:28.000 I have a hard time putting belts on, too.

00:41:32.000 At the end of the month, come November 1st, we each submit our one-minute hip-hop dance choreography video, and the fans vote on who the winner of Sober October is.

00:41:43.000 Gentlemen, I would like to hear your butles, starting with Tom Segura.

00:41:46.000 I gotta tell you, you sort of mentioned this.

00:41:49.000 Your rebuttals.

00:41:50.000 Okay.

00:41:50.000 Punk holes in it.

00:41:51.000 Yeah, you sort of mentioned that.

00:41:52.000 I'll tell you what I like about it.

00:41:54.000 Because it's easy to say what I don't like about anything that comes out of your mouth.

00:41:58.000 So, what I don't like about it, or what I do like about it, is that no one's great at it.

00:42:04.000 I do like that it is a workout because those dancers are in unbelievable fucking shape.

00:42:10.000 Who do you think is the number one dancer right now?

00:42:11.000 Me, obviously.

00:42:12.000 I'm going to guess third first, Joe second.

00:42:14.000 It's not even close.

00:42:15.000 What are you talking about?

00:42:17.000 It's definitely me.

00:42:18.000 What?

00:42:18.000 I'm a way better dancer than you guys.

00:42:20.000 Are you out of your fucking mind?

00:42:21.000 Just because you speak Spanish doesn't mean you're a better dancer.

00:42:23.000 Do you know how to dance?

00:42:26.000 No, but I know I'm a better dancer than you guys.

00:42:29.000 What a fucking bitch.

00:42:32.000 You know that's true.

00:42:33.000 I'll give you that.

00:42:35.000 Listen, I could do a lot of crazy shit with my body you guys can't do.

00:42:37.000 That's true.

00:42:38.000 But I'm saying rhythm?

00:42:40.000 Come on.

00:42:41.000 Rhythm?

00:42:42.000 You have rhythm?

00:42:43.000 Yes.

00:42:43.000 Alright.

00:42:44.000 Wait, hold on.

00:42:45.000 You have rhythm.

00:42:46.000 I know I do.

00:42:48.000 I'm fucking phenomenal at dancing.

00:42:51.000 Keep poking holes in my idea.

00:42:54.000 Joe, you get to close it down.

00:42:55.000 What I'm saying is that nobody excels.

00:42:57.000 I mean, obviously I'm better than you, but nobody excels.

00:42:59.000 So, I like the idea of working at something that no one's great at, and...

00:43:05.000 Oh, that's me dancing.

00:43:06.000 Oh, that's right.

00:43:06.000 I danced in a movie.

00:43:07.000 I was in the movie Zookeeper.

00:43:08.000 Yeah, I took dance classes.

00:43:10.000 Oh, alright.

00:43:11.000 I danced my ass off, bitch.

00:43:13.000 I love how the movies make it seem normal that that guy could get that girl.

00:43:17.000 I know.

00:43:17.000 Wait, hold on, hold on.

00:43:20.000 Let's see, Joe!

00:43:21.000 Okay.

00:43:21.000 Bro, I learned how to dance.

00:43:22.000 Like, legitimately.

00:43:24.000 I mean, I'm not good or anything.

00:43:25.000 Joe, this is hip-hop dance we're talking about.

00:43:27.000 Look at his face.

00:43:28.000 It's intense.

00:43:29.000 Bro, I don't know how to dance.

00:43:30.000 Come on, son.

00:43:35.000 Oh, yeah, you do pretty good there.

00:43:36.000 You actually are pretty good.

00:43:37.000 Dude, I took fucking dance lessons.

00:43:39.000 I had to do it for weeks.

00:43:40.000 Who are you dancing with?

00:43:40.000 Nikki Glaser?

00:43:41.000 Leslie Bibb.

00:43:43.000 She's from Talladega Nights.

00:43:45.000 Yeah, yeah, she's great.

00:43:46.000 She's great.

00:43:46.000 Very, very funny person, too.

00:43:48.000 I think this sounds like a done deal.

00:43:50.000 Wait, wait.

00:43:52.000 Here's the last thing.

00:43:53.000 The last thing that is great.

00:43:54.000 Okay.

00:43:54.000 So, everybody gets to work at it.

00:43:56.000 Nobody excels too much at it.

00:43:58.000 I think it's funny that we're comics and we get to look silly doing something, like not look great at it.

00:44:05.000 And I'm on board with, I think it's fun that people that watch that or get really into it would have a say in it.

00:44:12.000 Okay, I'm the only one of the three of us who's not obese, so it would look the least silly for me to doing it.

00:44:19.000 I'm medically obese.

00:44:20.000 I think that's science.

00:44:23.000 It's all about the BMI, son.

00:44:25.000 Yeah, it's all about the BMI. My BMI is off the charts.

00:44:27.000 Wait, you're saying that you are into it or not?

00:44:29.000 I'm saying I would look the least silly just in terms of that.

00:44:31.000 But you guys, I get why you look silly just moving at all.

00:44:34.000 You look the least silly?

00:44:36.000 No, I'm not a fucking fat man doing it.

00:44:38.000 But you break yourself always.

00:44:39.000 You're always breaking.

00:44:40.000 Yeah, break yourself before you...

00:44:42.000 You break ankles and elbows and shit.

00:44:44.000 You're always breaking things.

00:44:45.000 I am breaking stuff.

00:44:46.000 That's key.

00:44:46.000 You're super fucking vulnerable.

00:44:48.000 I am.

00:44:49.000 That's a good point.

00:44:49.000 What about injury?

00:44:50.000 What's injury going to do at this point?

00:44:51.000 You're not durable.

00:44:51.000 No, no, no.

00:44:52.000 Dance classes are intense.

00:44:54.000 Do you really think you're the current best dancer?

00:44:56.000 Easily.

00:44:56.000 I think Bart is.

00:44:57.000 Easily.

00:44:57.000 He's the one who's out of bars the most.

00:44:59.000 Yeah, I dance the most out of all of us.

00:45:00.000 I agree.

00:45:01.000 And so the dance classes are tough.

00:45:03.000 We each get ourselves choreographers, and we create our own dance to the exact song.

00:45:07.000 Don't get too hyped up.

00:45:08.000 Wait, wait.

00:45:08.000 Wait for me to talk about this.

00:45:10.000 Okay, but the amount of molly I would have to do to enjoy that dancing.

00:45:13.000 But you can't be sober.

00:45:14.000 But I can't be sober.

00:45:15.000 But you can November 1st.

00:45:16.000 Is that when we post it?

00:45:17.000 Yeah, but the whole idea is the dance part.

00:45:19.000 Dancing sober, bro.

00:45:21.000 That's true.

00:45:21.000 Sober.

00:45:22.000 Dancing sober.

00:45:23.000 Here's problems with it.

00:45:25.000 Problem number one, it's subjective.

00:45:26.000 You can't have something subjective.

00:45:28.000 You can't have something, oh, I think Tom danced better, oh, I think Ari danced better.

00:45:31.000 You can't have a bunch of morons vote for it.

00:45:33.000 Okay, okay, let me break this down.

00:45:35.000 Finish up, I'm going to write straight down.

00:45:37.000 What if, what if?

00:45:38.000 Finish up, I'll erase this.

00:45:39.000 What if the dance pros got together?

00:45:42.000 That's what I was saying.

00:45:43.000 Professionals.

00:45:44.000 What, they judge?

00:45:45.000 Well, yeah, they're experts.

00:45:46.000 They like you better.

00:45:47.000 They like Bert better.

00:45:48.000 They like me better.

00:45:49.000 You don't want that.

00:45:50.000 No, Olympic judges.

00:45:51.000 Those guys are corrupt.

00:45:51.000 What?

00:45:52.000 Olympic judges are the most corrupt people in all of sports.

00:45:56.000 They literally get investigated.

00:45:58.000 They literally go to jail.

00:46:00.000 But so we have to agree no bribing the fucking bribable Olympic judges.

00:46:04.000 No, no, nothing subjective.

00:46:06.000 We gotta grind.

00:46:07.000 Mm-mm.

00:46:08.000 Dance is cool.

00:46:09.000 We've got to make it uncomfortable.

00:46:12.000 We've got to make it super uncomfortable.

00:46:14.000 That's pretty uncomfortable.

00:46:15.000 Dance classes.

00:46:16.000 It's alright.

00:46:16.000 It's just boring.

00:46:20.000 There's something about the fitness challenges that are more exciting to me.

00:46:24.000 Yeah, because you're doing fitness all the time.

00:46:27.000 I wonder what that is.

00:46:29.000 I'll do something you guys don't do.

00:46:31.000 A fitness challenge you guys don't do.

00:46:33.000 Yeah.

00:46:33.000 Or that I don't do, rather.

00:46:34.000 Right.

00:46:34.000 Okay, that's what you're trying to say.

00:46:36.000 That I don't ever do.

00:46:37.000 I'll ride bikes.

00:46:38.000 I don't give a fuck.

00:46:40.000 Hmm.

00:46:42.000 Ride bikes?

00:46:42.000 Ride bikes everywhere.

00:46:44.000 Ride bikes to the store.

00:46:45.000 Accessible?

00:46:46.000 Ride bikes to the improv.

00:46:47.000 Yeah, but Tom's in Europe.

00:46:48.000 Ride a bike, bitch.

00:46:49.000 I'm in Europe in October.

00:46:52.000 A lot of those countries over there.

00:46:53.000 Have you scheduled an Australian tour to cancel yet?

00:46:56.000 It's coming up.

00:46:57.000 I'm announcing it soon.

00:46:59.000 When do you cancel it?

00:47:00.000 I'll cancel close.

00:47:02.000 Why are you going to cancel it?

00:47:03.000 I've canceled before.

00:47:05.000 Before?

00:47:05.000 Just once, though.

00:47:06.000 Just once?

00:47:06.000 I think it was twice.

00:47:07.000 A couple times?

00:47:08.000 It was twice.

00:47:09.000 Did you get sick?

00:47:10.000 Yeah.

00:47:10.000 The only time it's been in Australia was opening for you with a UFC ticket.

00:47:14.000 Really?

00:47:15.000 No, I went also another time.

00:47:16.000 I did the Melbourne Festival.

00:47:18.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:47:18.000 Hey, I'm in Auckland June 15th.

00:47:20.000 This is Sydney June 20th.

00:47:22.000 You're giving out dates.

00:47:24.000 That's right when I'll be in Columbus.

00:47:27.000 I know there's a bunch of people that are like, we want to be able to vote.

00:47:32.000 We want to what?

00:47:32.000 Be able to vote.

00:47:34.000 No one's stealing this.

00:47:36.000 You're going to have to earn this motherfucker.

00:47:38.000 So you're saying this?

00:47:38.000 You're thinking hip-hop.

00:47:40.000 This is mine.

00:47:41.000 So the flaw.

00:47:42.000 I like it.

00:47:43.000 I like it.

00:47:44.000 I'm going to keep it.

00:47:45.000 I'm going to keep this.

00:47:46.000 This is mine.

00:47:47.000 The flaw, he's saying, is that there's not like a clear, right, that it's subjective.

00:47:52.000 Yeah, you can't leave it in the hands of the judges.

00:47:54.000 Get the fuck out of here.

00:47:55.000 That's rule number one for fighting.

00:47:56.000 Never leave it in the hands of the judges.

00:47:58.000 Okay.

00:47:59.000 It's not rule number one.

00:47:59.000 It's probably like rule number one.

00:48:00.000 Yeah, it's down there.

00:48:01.000 First is like, you know, watch out for leg sweeps.

00:48:04.000 Keep your hands up.

00:48:05.000 Keep your hands up at number one.

00:48:07.000 Don't smile at celebrities in the audience.

00:48:09.000 Yeah, do your cardio.

00:48:10.000 Don't eat like shit.

00:48:12.000 I would love to see those guys day one of jiu-jitsu.

00:48:13.000 He's like, can we leave this in the judges?

00:48:14.000 He's like, Dude, just fucking worry about locking up half guard.

00:48:18.000 Rule number one is don't leave it to the judges.

00:48:20.000 I need to know.

00:48:22.000 Ugh.

00:48:24.000 Ugh.

00:48:24.000 Oh my god, that's funny.

00:48:26.000 Fuck.

00:48:27.000 I was really behind your dance idea.

00:48:29.000 Hip-hop dancing would be tough.

00:48:30.000 I do have a gym.

00:48:32.000 There's a place right nearby me.

00:48:33.000 Joe, I think you're overestimating your dance skills.

00:48:36.000 Hip-hop dance.

00:48:37.000 It's not dance skills.

00:48:38.000 I'll learn them.

00:48:39.000 Would it be the amount of time in the gym?

00:48:41.000 No, I know how to move my body better.

00:48:43.000 I'll learn them.

00:48:44.000 You know how to move your body better?

00:48:45.000 For sure.

00:48:46.000 You don't think I know how to move my body better than you can move yours?

00:48:49.000 Do you think we get Shakira to judge?

00:48:50.000 Do you know how crazy that is for you to even say that?

00:48:53.000 Yeah.

00:48:54.000 Do you know how crazy it is for you to say that my physical dexterity and your physical dexterity are the same?

00:49:02.000 They're the same.

00:49:03.000 I don't know what you're talking about, Joe.

00:49:05.000 I dance all the time.

00:49:08.000 Joe, can you weave a wobble?

00:49:09.000 If I got through that challenge and you came in last like you did with this last one...

00:49:15.000 Yes!

00:49:15.000 Why has that not been talked about enough?

00:49:16.000 We would have to put a sock in a fucking, with a lock in it, like a bike lock, and beat your ass.

00:49:22.000 I'm cool with punishment for this.

00:49:23.000 I'm cool with punishment for this.

00:49:24.000 That's a good idea.

00:49:25.000 A bar of soap, right?

00:49:26.000 Like a full metal jacket.

00:49:28.000 Real punishment.

00:49:28.000 Code red.

00:49:29.000 Code red.

00:49:30.000 Beat you out with a bar of soap and a sock.

00:49:32.000 In hip-hop dance.

00:49:33.000 I think this is...

00:49:34.000 Even Matthew Modine got in on that, remember?

00:49:36.000 Yeah, he did.

00:49:36.000 That's right.

00:49:37.000 He hit him, too.

00:49:37.000 He felt bad about it.

00:49:38.000 I don't know if this is a real thing.

00:49:42.000 You don't know what's the real thing.

00:49:44.000 I think you need to keep pushing how you think you guys are the same.

00:49:46.000 Hip-hop dancing.

00:49:47.000 Skateboarding challenge?

00:49:48.000 That'll work.

00:49:49.000 That's all judges.

00:49:50.000 I could see us going through all these fucking things, and Bird at the end was like, well, you guys beat me, I can't believe it.

00:49:55.000 Like, you motherfucker, you're talking shit the whole month, talking shit the whole month, and you came in last.

00:50:02.000 That's my game plan.

00:50:03.000 That's a good point.

00:50:04.000 I'm sandbagging you guys for the next challenge.

00:50:06.000 There's no sandbags, son.

00:50:07.000 You fell apart.

00:50:09.000 You fell apart.

00:50:10.000 Dude, I fell apart.

00:50:11.000 When Ari started posting these giant, he was on the bike for four hours.

00:50:16.000 Like, what?

00:50:18.000 That would fuck my head up.

00:50:20.000 Tom got sick.

00:50:20.000 So bad.

00:50:21.000 We started off slow.

00:50:23.000 We started off with like 200 points.

00:50:24.000 It was a good day.

00:50:25.000 It was like that scene in Big when Lovitz is telling, what's his name?

00:50:30.000 He's like, hey, slow down, slow down, slow down.

00:50:31.000 You're going to make us all look bad.

00:50:34.000 We didn't know how crazy anybody was going to take it.

00:50:39.000 We don't know how much we hated each other to really drive us to not be...

00:50:44.000 Well, I don't know how you looked at it, but I love you guys.

00:50:47.000 I love you guys, too.

00:50:48.000 I just thought it was a fun competition.

00:50:50.000 What the fuck, Ari?

00:50:52.000 Stand by it.

00:50:55.000 What was the most amount of points you ever put in in a day?

00:50:58.000 My biggest point day was...

00:51:00.000 You ran 13 miles one day.

00:51:02.000 One day, yeah.

00:51:02.000 Oh, broken up.

00:51:04.000 No.

00:51:04.000 No, just, I mean, like...

00:51:05.000 Just kept going.

00:51:06.000 I did it in the hills and, you know, just kept...

00:51:08.000 I ran, like, to another city.

00:51:10.000 Came back.

00:51:11.000 Yeah.

00:51:12.000 Yeah, he ran 13 fucking miles.

00:51:13.000 That was after he was sick for a week.

00:51:14.000 Yeah, that's what I did.

00:51:15.000 We almost dropped off.

00:51:15.000 Yeah, I was like, oh, he's done.

00:51:16.000 Cool.

00:51:17.000 That's when we took the foot off the gas pedal.

00:51:20.000 Fucking Tommy sandbagged us.

00:51:21.000 But why did you take the foot off the gas pedal?

00:51:23.000 We should have waited until he was done.

00:51:24.000 Are you talking to me?

00:51:25.000 For sure.

00:51:25.000 Because Tom was like, I'm sick.

00:51:27.000 I'm out.

00:51:27.000 So what?

00:51:27.000 And so I was like, Tom's in last.

00:51:28.000 I don't have to worry.

00:51:29.000 I'm not in last.

00:51:30.000 Oh, is that what you were worried about?

00:51:31.000 Yeah, so I was like, I was competing with Tom.

00:51:33.000 Tom and I were neck and neck.

00:51:34.000 Ari was a fucking cunt.

00:51:35.000 And we'd just post numbers in the middle of the night.

00:51:37.000 You'd go to sleep comfortable.

00:51:39.000 But he did that like two thirds in.

00:51:40.000 Oh, dude.

00:51:40.000 He didn't start like that.

00:51:41.000 I post in the middle of the night because my gym, Blink Fitness, would allow me to work out 24 hours a day.

00:51:47.000 So I'd get off work.

00:51:48.000 Yeah, it was fucking ridiculous.

00:51:49.000 I'd get off the comedy clubs and I'd fucking go work out at 3am.

00:51:52.000 3am.

00:51:52.000 That would fuck my head up, man.

00:51:54.000 I'd wake up.

00:51:54.000 I know, because you wake up and you're like, Blame Esty!

00:51:56.000 Blame Esty for giving me late spots!

00:51:59.000 It's not my fault.

00:52:00.000 It's all Esty.

00:52:02.000 It's tricky, right?

00:52:03.000 There was a lot of gameplay, but here's what I... I realized you guys woke up like, oh, what?

00:52:10.000 I'm not in first.

00:52:12.000 Look at this.

00:52:12.000 I like this.

00:52:14.000 Here's what I... Okay, keep this.

00:52:16.000 I think you guys should do a dance-off anyway.

00:52:19.000 Well, he does have that incredible physical dexterity.

00:52:22.000 You would need a way for judges to decide, but...

00:52:26.000 That's not about working out though, right?

00:52:28.000 Hip-hop dancing?

00:52:29.000 No, hip-hop dancing, if you're going to get good, you're going to be dancing every single day.

00:52:34.000 Ugh.

00:52:36.000 Okay, I will tell you, I don't like doing it, but that response...

00:52:38.000 That reaction was a good response.

00:52:41.000 Because that's how we felt about everything, Joe.

00:52:45.000 Somebody showed me a tweet I made recently, like a year ago.

00:52:48.000 I'm like, how did we get from Burt can't run a marathon to all going to go straight edge for a month?

00:52:53.000 Right.

00:52:54.000 What the fuck happened?

00:52:55.000 That's exactly what we got from that.

00:52:57.000 That is true.

00:52:57.000 It wasn't that Bert couldn't run a marathon.

00:52:58.000 He couldn't do it faster than your dad did.

00:53:01.000 An 80-year-old plus Holocaust survivor.

00:53:04.000 But he was also like, I could run a marathon tomorrow.

00:53:08.000 I technically kind of did.

00:53:12.000 Yeah, you did.

00:53:13.000 I technically did.

00:53:13.000 I did blow the doors off you guys.

00:53:15.000 You were really, really amazed.

00:53:16.000 But I think the real test was that Tom was going to try to roller skate a marathon faster than I could run it.

00:53:21.000 Oh, that was right.

00:53:22.000 But he didn't take into account going uphill.

00:53:24.000 Or the fact that he has never roller skated.

00:53:26.000 Yeah, but that's easy to learn.

00:53:27.000 Yeah, it's pretty flat.

00:53:28.000 Four wheels.

00:53:29.000 It's not like it's fucking calculus.

00:53:30.000 But what do you think would have happened on the roller skating part of it?

00:53:33.000 After running that marathon?

00:53:35.000 Yeah.

00:53:36.000 He would have crushed you.

00:53:37.000 I think you probably would have beat me.

00:53:38.000 It was a flat?

00:53:39.000 You don't have a chance.

00:53:40.000 LA is pretty flat, right?

00:53:41.000 No, hold on.

00:53:42.000 LA Marathon was uphill downtown, but once you got past the store, you would have been hauling fucking ass down La Cienega.

00:53:49.000 Yeah, he would have never caught him.

00:53:50.000 From cellar to the...

00:53:51.000 No, but he would have gotten hurt.

00:53:52.000 He would have gotten hurt.

00:53:53.000 Yeah, a couple of roller skating people reached out to me.

00:53:55.000 Oh, that's true.

00:53:55.000 And they were like...

00:53:57.000 No, they said, like, your feet are gonna...

00:53:58.000 You're gonna be in rough fucking shape.

00:54:01.000 Like, it's not easy, man.

00:54:02.000 It would blow out his calves.

00:54:02.000 Hold on.

00:54:03.000 The roller skating people?

00:54:05.000 Yeah, they reached out.

00:54:06.000 The roller skating people?

00:54:07.000 Dude, I started to get it from...

00:54:07.000 Hey, bro, don't take this lightly.

00:54:09.000 We're warriors.

00:54:10.000 We're warriors.

00:54:10.000 I get it from people that have been doing it for years and also like, what is that, the roller derby people?

00:54:14.000 They were like, yeah, you gotta be careful.

00:54:16.000 Well, just think about skiing for five hours.

00:54:19.000 Oh, what greatness that would be.

00:54:21.000 Yeah, but if you had to ski for five hours straight without going up lift hills, going up the lifts, Up the hills, if you just skied only on your feet for five hours, I bet you'd be hurting.

00:54:32.000 Yeah.

00:54:33.000 Oh, yeah.

00:54:33.000 Yeah, you'd be hurt anyway.

00:54:34.000 Your muscles are all sore.

00:54:35.000 Yeah, my feet are always hurting after a day of skiing.

00:54:38.000 Like, Jesus, because you're always like, ah, ah!

00:54:40.000 Yeah.

00:54:41.000 No, I would have been fucked up, for sure.

00:54:44.000 You would have got fucked up.

00:54:45.000 Did you see me crash, Bert?

00:54:47.000 Yeah, I did.

00:54:48.000 I did.

00:54:49.000 And then I pulled up and you were like, I don't think it's broken.

00:54:52.000 Cut to surgery.

00:54:53.000 How broken is it?

00:54:53.000 I put a pin in it.

00:54:55.000 Wait, this is the same cast I saw you with?

00:54:57.000 Yeah, the big one.

00:54:58.000 Yeah, it's down to this now.

00:55:00.000 So you got a pin in there, like a metal pin?

00:55:02.000 A piece broke off.

00:55:03.000 I have some sort of pin.

00:55:04.000 You know what's good about that?

00:55:05.000 Give one more reason to fuck with the people at TSA. You're going to be fucking unbearable.

00:55:10.000 My vasectomy did that.

00:55:11.000 They're like, how come something's going off?

00:55:12.000 Do you have anything in your pocket?

00:55:12.000 I'm like, vasectomy.

00:55:15.000 They're like, what about belt?

00:55:16.000 I'm like, vasectomy.

00:55:17.000 And they're like, what do you think it's...

00:55:19.000 I'm like, I had my dick cut and your fucking stupid thing that the head of this company decided we need to buy points out that I got a vasectomy.

00:55:28.000 Really?

00:55:28.000 How does it know you had a vasectomy?

00:55:30.000 Because it's a little inconsistent.

00:55:31.000 It's like a hard thing in there.

00:55:33.000 Peanut, you want to feel it?

00:55:34.000 No, I'm kidding.

00:55:35.000 It's your choice.

00:55:36.000 Interesting.

00:55:37.000 So it's calcified.

00:55:38.000 You've got a little rock near your dickhole.

00:55:40.000 Yeah, so now I'm a fucking terrorist threat.

00:55:43.000 Damn.

00:55:43.000 Wait, so I want to ask you one thing about your challenge.

00:55:46.000 No, we're not doing REs.

00:55:47.000 No, no, no.

00:55:48.000 I just wanted to ask you something.

00:55:49.000 You suggest to stay on social media.

00:55:51.000 That's preposterous.

00:55:53.000 There's not enough of it.

00:55:54.000 There has to be a second part to that, right?

00:55:55.000 For the month?

00:55:56.000 What do you mean?

00:55:57.000 A physical challenge.

00:55:58.000 Yeah, there's nothing physical.

00:55:59.000 Yeah, good point.

00:56:00.000 You know what I mean?

00:56:01.000 We would need a second part.

00:56:04.000 Because that is just a mental problem.

00:56:07.000 It would, guys, I'm telling you, you're not going to do it.

00:56:09.000 I know how addicted you are.

00:56:10.000 You're never going to agree to this.

00:56:11.000 Dancing in videos.

00:56:13.000 It would make your lives, you'd be happier and you wouldn't know why.

00:56:17.000 Hmm.

00:56:17.000 No, I've been off Twitter pretty much, and I'm exponentially happy.

00:56:21.000 Twitter just makes me sad and angry.

00:56:23.000 Reading people fighting is not fun.

00:56:26.000 Can I show you something?

00:56:27.000 Sure.

00:56:28.000 Unlock your phone for me.

00:56:29.000 I won't do anything.

00:56:30.000 But just unlock it and hand it to me.

00:56:32.000 I swear I won't do anything bad to you.

00:56:33.000 I have a code about her.

00:56:35.000 Okay.

00:56:37.000 Riders on the storm.

00:56:39.000 Oh, fuck.

00:56:40.000 I'm terrified with what I just gave you.

00:56:42.000 You know what I'm going to do?

00:56:43.000 No.

00:56:44.000 I'm going to look up the time usage?

00:56:45.000 Yeah, screen time.

00:56:46.000 Oh, it's going to be up there.

00:56:47.000 Okay, so just today.

00:56:48.000 I'm selling tour dates, bro.

00:56:50.000 Yeah, okay.

00:56:50.000 So today of your life, you have a family, you have two kids.

00:56:53.000 I started morning radio at 5 in the morning until 11. I'm going to piss.

00:56:56.000 Hold that thought.

00:56:56.000 So while you're on morning radio, you're not using it?

00:56:58.000 No, I was using it entirely to look up who I was talking to, where I was at.

00:57:02.000 But while you're on there, you're not doing it?

00:57:04.000 Yeah.

00:57:04.000 Okay, what time is it right now?

00:57:05.000 It's 426. Yeah.

00:57:07.000 Three hours and nine minutes...

00:57:09.000 Oh, I'm sorry.

00:57:10.000 Three hours and I minutes above average today.

00:57:12.000 Yeah, today was press.

00:57:14.000 Press day.

00:57:14.000 I was doing press for the Body Shots World Tour.

00:57:16.000 Okay, sure.

00:57:16.000 Last seven days.

00:57:17.000 Which starts in September, ends November 23rd.

00:57:20.000 Can I tell you?

00:57:20.000 Did I mention that I'll be in Auckland?

00:57:22.000 You're actually surprising me.

00:57:23.000 30 minutes a day.

00:57:24.000 Yeah.

00:57:25.000 Dude, I fuck with Instagram a lot.

00:57:27.000 Is that on here?

00:57:28.000 Yeah, Instagram.

00:57:29.000 An hour and 18 minutes.

00:57:30.000 Yeah.

00:57:31.000 I fuck with Instagram a lot.

00:57:32.000 That's it.

00:57:33.000 What do you do?

00:57:34.000 I do.

00:57:35.000 That's it.

00:57:35.000 I don't touch Twitter.

00:57:37.000 I kind of stay away from everything.

00:57:38.000 Can I see yours?

00:57:39.000 No.

00:57:40.000 How bad is it?

00:57:42.000 Today's not that bad.

00:57:43.000 Look up screen time for the week.

00:57:46.000 Are there totally days I'm totally off my phone?

00:57:49.000 You don't touch it at all?

00:57:50.000 I'll record stuff and post it, but I don't read comments and stuff.

00:57:52.000 That can fuck your head up.

00:57:54.000 Twitter can be aggressive sometimes.

00:57:56.000 Wasn't it fun how great it used to be?

00:57:58.000 Oh, dude, I remember that.

00:57:59.000 News and fun jokes.

00:58:01.000 Yeah.

00:58:02.000 I can't.

00:58:02.000 Dude, my whole thing's about I only use stuff to promote tour dates.

00:58:05.000 That's it, really.

00:58:06.000 Tour dates like?

00:58:07.000 Like Oxford on the 15th of June.

00:58:09.000 I did an hour of social networking, it says.

00:58:12.000 Yeah?

00:58:12.000 What about in seven days?

00:58:14.000 Seven days?

00:58:14.000 Seven days.

00:58:15.000 Okay, hold on.

00:58:17.000 Hey, let's get more cocktails.

00:58:18.000 I'm down.

00:58:19.000 Those boomers are kicking it up.

00:58:21.000 Hey, wait.

00:58:21.000 How are we going to fucking switch him over to fucking hip-hop dance?

00:58:24.000 Slowly.

00:58:25.000 Slowly.

00:58:26.000 It starts with me thinking I have better dexterity than that.

00:58:29.000 It's a lot.

00:58:30.000 How much are you at right now?

00:58:31.000 How much are you at?

00:58:31.000 You have two kids?

00:58:33.000 Wait, wait, wait.

00:58:34.000 You have two kids?

00:58:35.000 But let me preemptively say.

00:58:36.000 Oh, sure.

00:58:37.000 I was on a bus for the last seven days.

00:58:40.000 Sure, so that's a good...

00:58:41.000 But I'm saying not home.

00:58:42.000 Not home.

00:58:43.000 We're checking our amount of usage online on our phones.

00:58:46.000 So that's legit.

00:58:47.000 And right now, mine's at 30 minutes a day.

00:58:48.000 Every day on a bus.

00:58:50.000 By the way, this time could be spent reading a book or doing something.

00:58:54.000 30 minutes a day?

00:58:55.000 I guess it's not.

00:58:55.000 No.

00:58:56.000 30 minutes a day, I think, is pretty low.

00:58:59.000 What's Tom's?

00:59:00.000 What's Tom's?

00:59:01.000 Six hours and 34 minutes a day.

00:59:03.000 On a bus!

00:59:05.000 I'm on a bus.

00:59:07.000 I get your board, but there's a far better way to spend your time than six hours of those days.

00:59:13.000 You have to kind of look at it like this, too.

00:59:16.000 I'm sitting on this bus with a fucking thousand movies you can choose from, and I do this all the time, where I roll through, like, I'm going to watch a movie, which is like a normal thing to kill an hour and a half, two hours.

00:59:27.000 And I'm like, none of these interest me.

00:59:29.000 I'm going to spend that time doing this, right?

00:59:31.000 Looking at emails, looking at social media, looking at YouTube videos.

00:59:35.000 If I'm saying that you can knock off easily two hours...

00:59:39.000 And there'd be two hours spent just mindlessly staring at something else that you wouldn't have a record of.

00:59:45.000 Writing or thinking.

00:59:47.000 Yes, that's true.

00:59:48.000 But you're saying that none of that occurred.

00:59:50.000 Or learning hip-hop dance.

00:59:51.000 No, I will say this.

00:59:52.000 When you're bored and you're looking out a window on a tour bus, eventually, not in the first 10 minutes, but maybe between 10 minutes, 30, a minute, 40, your mind's like, fuck, we're so bored.

01:00:03.000 And then you start writing bit ideas.

01:00:04.000 Yeah, that's true.

01:00:06.000 And you're just not even thinking about those times because you're on there.

01:00:09.000 That's true.

01:00:10.000 It's 100% true.

01:00:13.000 Wait, so what's yours?

01:00:15.000 Eight minutes?

01:00:16.000 I would have to get my iPad out.

01:00:17.000 Do you know what yours is?

01:00:19.000 Yeah, take it out.

01:00:20.000 Let's see.

01:00:21.000 Ari's is surprisingly high because he uses his...

01:00:24.000 When he's not...

01:00:24.000 What's your seven day, though?

01:00:26.000 I have no idea.

01:00:26.000 Seven day was 30 minutes.

01:00:28.000 Yeah.

01:00:28.000 Today was three hours and a half, but his seven day was 30 minutes a day.

01:00:32.000 I'm sorry, I averaged 30 minutes a day.

01:00:33.000 What's the under?

01:00:35.000 What's the under?

01:00:36.000 You have a second phone?

01:00:37.000 Use the search part and just put screen time.

01:00:39.000 That doesn't even make sense mathematically.

01:00:41.000 Yeah, there's no way.

01:00:42.000 Good job, Tommy.

01:00:43.000 You're absolutely right.

01:00:44.000 That three hours and 35 minutes today would be...

01:00:47.000 You would have to only have used that all day.

01:00:50.000 It's a brand new phone.

01:00:51.000 That's why.

01:00:53.000 Even when you said 30 minutes, I was like, how the fuck is that possible?

01:00:56.000 I'll show you where it is.

01:00:59.000 Two hours and six minutes.

01:01:01.000 That's too much.

01:01:02.000 That's too much of your life.

01:01:03.000 Well, I was in the doctor's office today.

01:01:04.000 Probably why.

01:01:05.000 I want to find a nurse.

01:01:06.000 What is it?

01:01:09.000 What the fuck?

01:01:11.000 Hold on a minute.

01:01:14.000 What'd you do?

01:01:16.000 I love the one guy that doesn't have an iPhone is walking you through your iPhone.

01:01:21.000 That's true.

01:01:23.000 Five hours and 30 minutes.

01:01:25.000 451 minutes a day.

01:01:27.000 Wow.

01:01:27.000 That's a lot.

01:01:29.000 Four hours and 51 minutes of your day.

01:01:31.000 It's a lot.

01:01:31.000 It's like five hours.

01:01:31.000 Of your 16 hour waking day.

01:01:33.000 In Joe's defense, he's got to interview new people all the time and I'm sure there's times he's like, tell me about that guy, dot, dot, dot.

01:01:40.000 There's definitely a lot of that.

01:01:41.000 I keep hearing in my defense, in my defense, but I'm never in my offense where I'm like, that's too much.

01:01:45.000 It is too much.

01:01:47.000 It is too much.

01:01:47.000 You do do some work on your phone, but more than that, you fuck off.

01:01:52.000 I have every note transcribed in my phone, all my notes from my writing, my laptop, it's all on my phone.

01:01:59.000 All my sets are on my phone.

01:02:01.000 It shows your productivity on there.

01:02:02.000 It shows what you're using the time on.

01:02:03.000 It won't be...

01:02:04.000 It's not like it's going to be four hours and 35 minutes of productivity and 20 minutes of fucking off.

01:02:08.000 No, no.

01:02:09.000 A lot of it is also watching stuff.

01:02:11.000 You want to have real fun?

01:02:12.000 Yeah, YouTube.

01:02:13.000 Put your tabs on Safari and let's play a game.

01:02:16.000 Where I can go, hey, tell me about dot dot dot what you Googled earlier.

01:02:19.000 It's a fun fucking game.

01:02:21.000 I got my computer here.

01:02:22.000 Tom, give me your phone.

01:02:23.000 Tom, give me your phone.

01:02:25.000 No.

01:02:25.000 Tom, give me your phone.

01:02:26.000 No.

01:02:27.000 This can go back for a while.

01:02:31.000 I have my computer here, you can use those.

01:02:33.000 That's a lot of time when you look at it, when you see that four hours.

01:02:36.000 A lot of waking time spent looking at a screen instead of your surroundings.

01:02:40.000 Wow.

01:02:41.000 What is the last things I googled?

01:02:42.000 You're driving part of that, you're not using it.

01:02:46.000 It's me and it's you and then it's just some porn.

01:02:51.000 How much do you beat off?

01:02:52.000 Is that anal?

01:02:52.000 You like anal scenes?

01:02:53.000 Are you beating off every day?

01:02:54.000 No, I just started again.

01:02:56.000 Interesting.

01:02:56.000 Took some time off?

01:02:57.000 Yeah, I took some time off.

01:02:58.000 I was having a hard time with it, and now I'm back.

01:03:00.000 This is his phone.

01:03:01.000 This is Ari's phone.

01:03:02.000 Yeah, Ari brings an old school...

01:03:04.000 I gotta call you back.

01:03:06.000 He's got a laptop that has a CD drive.

01:03:10.000 No, it doesn't.

01:03:11.000 But that's the right year to buy, honestly, because that's a good keyboard.

01:03:15.000 Yeah, all the ones they got now are fucking horrible.

01:03:18.000 The problem is with that, you can't do the same things on Instagram.

01:03:21.000 You can't post stuff from your fucking computer.

01:03:24.000 No, I have to send it to my lady.

01:03:25.000 You can't post it from an iPad?

01:03:29.000 Yes, you probably could.

01:03:30.000 No, I can't, but I blocked myself out of my account.

01:03:32.000 I don't have a password in my account.

01:03:33.000 That's hilarious.

01:03:34.000 Yeah, I know.

01:03:35.000 Smart.

01:03:36.000 Smart.

01:03:37.000 It really is.

01:03:37.000 Yeah, but it does not make for a great Sober October challenge, in my opinion.

01:03:40.000 Just to watch people do nothing is not entertaining.

01:03:43.000 No, but he's saying that it would still get posted.

01:03:45.000 Everything would still get posted.

01:03:46.000 No, no.

01:03:46.000 I'll buy you each a good, a camera, a legit, like...

01:03:51.000 The strength of this challenge is that people enjoy following along with it.

01:03:55.000 Okay, in terms of what we're doing, it's not our normal thing.

01:03:58.000 Rogan clearly is the working out, so he doesn't have to change his life that much.

01:04:02.000 All you do is promote!

01:04:04.000 It wouldn't be the worst for you to not have what you're already doing is promoting non-stop!

01:04:10.000 All he has is hip-hop dancing.

01:04:12.000 Did you knock something over again?

01:04:13.000 Yeah, he was going crazy.

01:04:14.000 On purpose, though.

01:04:15.000 So then what's Tom bad at?

01:04:16.000 What?

01:04:17.000 Being a father!

01:04:18.000 Obviously!

01:04:22.000 So we've got to...

01:04:23.000 What if we switch kids?

01:04:25.000 What do you do?

01:04:26.000 How do you handle this?

01:04:28.000 What?

01:04:28.000 Yeah, what do you do?

01:04:29.000 How do you handle this?

01:04:31.000 How do we do this?

01:04:32.000 No, I didn't say what.

01:04:32.000 I didn't hear you.

01:04:33.000 But I mean, what are those pronouns you mean?

01:04:35.000 I mean, I'm saying like...

01:04:38.000 I like the idea of some sort of social media challenge, like staying off social media.

01:04:43.000 It's got to be that with something.

01:04:44.000 That's the thing.

01:04:45.000 We're missing the second part.

01:04:47.000 No, 100%.

01:04:47.000 You're dead on.

01:04:48.000 Dead on with that.

01:04:50.000 But Bert can go fuck himself with this hip-hop dance and shit.

01:04:53.000 Joe.

01:04:54.000 I do have a hip-hop dance place right near my apartment that I could go to all the time.

01:04:59.000 I told you I'm in, man.

01:05:00.000 You're in.

01:05:00.000 Ari, do you think hip-hop dance would be a good one?

01:05:03.000 I think, let's put a pin in that.

01:05:05.000 I think for real.

01:05:06.000 Okay, put a pin in it.

01:05:07.000 That would be okay.

01:05:08.000 That would be at some level of acceptable.

01:05:10.000 We'd have to get judges who don't know us at all.

01:05:13.000 It's a challenge.

01:05:13.000 It's physical.

01:05:13.000 Nothing subjective.

01:05:13.000 No judges.

01:05:14.000 Judges can go fuck themselves.

01:05:16.000 You want real hard numbers.

01:05:18.000 Okay, let's put in parameters.

01:05:23.000 You can't have a bad decision that causes a riot amongst our fans.

01:05:27.000 I feel like even if we don't do this, there was something so real about how good you said you're a better mover than him that I would love to see.

01:05:41.000 I feel like part of the month you have to do something with that.

01:05:44.000 You know what I mean?

01:05:45.000 I think the audience would love it.

01:05:48.000 Seems like it makes sense.

01:05:51.000 It's got to be, here's the deal.

01:05:52.000 Let's just put parameters on where Sober Tuber is going to be taking place.

01:05:55.000 Tom is touring through Europe in a car.

01:05:57.000 For part of it, yeah.

01:05:58.000 For part of it.

01:05:59.000 How many days?

01:06:00.000 Ten days.

01:06:01.000 That'll cripple you.

01:06:02.000 You're going to get sick.

01:06:03.000 To do what?

01:06:04.000 Forget about any fitness, I'm already laying it down.

01:06:06.000 Yeah.

01:06:06.000 Forget about any fitness challenge, son.

01:06:09.000 10 days in Europe.

01:06:10.000 All that traveling?

01:06:11.000 With those weird European diseases?

01:06:13.000 You know, that's how they wiped out most of South Americans.

01:06:16.000 That your people?

01:06:17.000 Yeah.

01:06:18.000 The diseases you find there is what's going to have wiped out your people.

01:06:21.000 Graham Hancock says that at one point in time the Amazon jungle had 20 million people and thriving civilizations, beautiful cities, and that the Europeans, their dirty diseases...

01:06:31.000 Yeah.

01:06:31.000 Came over and wiped everybody out.

01:06:34.000 That's actually your parents' love story.

01:06:36.000 20 million people.

01:06:37.000 Yeah, your dad was one of those settlers who found you to run away from a virus.

01:06:41.000 True.

01:06:41.000 Getting rid of his dirty bugs.

01:06:42.000 Your mom was down washing her laundry next to a Cayman alligator.

01:06:45.000 He came up and sneezed in her pussy.

01:06:50.000 Hey, tell me this.

01:06:51.000 The Creek and the Cave, the Legion of Skanks are not doing their show at the Creek and the Cave anymore.

01:06:57.000 First of all, you guys coming to me on this is worse than Ainsling being coming to you about a comedy store.

01:07:02.000 No, but you were just on with Milo.

01:07:04.000 I think it's directly related.

01:07:05.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:07:06.000 I think it's directly related.

01:07:06.000 That one wasn't at the Creek and the Cave.

01:07:08.000 Right, but that's why.

01:07:09.000 Wait, what happened?

01:07:10.000 No, they were trying to do it at the creek in the cave and the lady freaked out, right?

01:07:13.000 She buckled under pressure.

01:07:15.000 That's not why they're moving.

01:07:16.000 They're already going to move it.

01:07:17.000 The new stand was opening up.

01:07:19.000 They'll use this as an excuse maybe or people will say that's the reason.

01:07:22.000 They were already going to move it.

01:07:23.000 Wait, start from the beginning for someone who doesn't know what you're talking about.

01:07:26.000 Yeah, there's a lot of people who don't know what you're talking about.

01:07:27.000 They booked Legion of Skanks.

01:07:28.000 You know who they are.

01:07:29.000 Yeah, of course.

01:07:29.000 They're legit people who fucking hold their own.

01:07:31.000 Jay and Luis, right?

01:07:33.000 Luis, yeah.

01:07:34.000 Luis Gomez.

01:07:36.000 And Dave Smith.

01:07:37.000 And they're hardcore guys, except when they come on this podcast and kind of puss out.

01:07:40.000 But like, they're hardcore guys for the most part.

01:07:43.000 And so they booked.

01:07:44.000 Yeah, they bitched out on this podcast.

01:07:46.000 What do you mean?

01:07:46.000 I don't understand that.

01:07:48.000 I thought we just had a conversation.

01:07:50.000 There you go.

01:07:50.000 Now you understand.

01:07:51.000 That's fucking...

01:07:52.000 Imagine Jackass in the heyday of Jackass and them all sitting here politely and not trying to fucking shave their heads in front of...

01:07:57.000 It's like, come on, dude.

01:07:58.000 Obviously.

01:07:59.000 They need a second chance on this podcast.

01:08:01.000 I don't think so.

01:08:02.000 Not now.

01:08:02.000 I wouldn't.

01:08:03.000 Give them all these expectations.

01:08:05.000 I wouldn't.

01:08:05.000 They're going to come up and do something crazy.

01:08:07.000 They just came here and had a good time with you?

01:08:09.000 Yeah, it was fun.

01:08:09.000 Nice conversation.

01:08:11.000 What's the problem with that?

01:08:12.000 No, it's great.

01:08:13.000 Drink some tea and cross their legs.

01:08:15.000 They did a podcast with Milo Yiannopoulos, and Milo said they cucked out, so now Ari's running with the narrative.

01:08:21.000 Listen, so they booked Milo, and they're like, oh, we have this guy who's been fucking, whatever.

01:08:27.000 And then everyone started doing the thing where they attack the venue.

01:08:31.000 If you have that area, you're the problem.

01:08:33.000 It's not enough that they can misanalyze the person Or say, I want nothing to do with that guy.

01:08:40.000 Then if you put him up, then you're the issue.

01:08:43.000 A woman who gave birth to tons of fucking great LGBA and fucking black performers, she's an issue because she's not stopping a performance from happening.

01:08:53.000 And then soon it'll be like, if you perform at that venue, then you're an asshole.

01:08:57.000 Right, right, right.

01:08:58.000 No, it's nonsense.

01:08:59.000 Wait, what's the A stand for?

01:09:02.000 A lesbian, gay, bisexual alliance.

01:09:04.000 Oh.

01:09:05.000 They have a lot more since I left college, but that's what I was told.

01:09:09.000 The problem is when you look at LGBT, which is like the accepted use of those letters, when you add the A in the end, we were like...

01:09:18.000 Oh, A is now asexual?

01:09:19.000 And Finn Taylor does a great joke where it's like they're included, but the reality is the asexuals hate the other ones.

01:09:25.000 Like, you're disgusting.

01:09:26.000 I don't care what kind of sex you're having.

01:09:27.000 A lot of lesbians are not really excited about transgender men, or transgender women, rather.

01:09:32.000 True.

01:09:33.000 There's that.

01:09:33.000 There's TERFs, you know, trans-exclusionary radical feminists.

01:09:36.000 No, I don't know.

01:09:37.000 I'm busy fucking living my life and trying to fucking dominate.

01:09:40.000 I don't know.

01:09:41.000 You're trying to dominate?

01:09:42.000 I'm trying to dominate, dude.

01:09:43.000 Damn, I didn't know you were trying to dominate.

01:09:45.000 Wait, can you fill me in more on this, though?

01:09:46.000 Tell me about dominating.

01:09:48.000 Wait, let's not leave dominating.

01:09:50.000 I want to write that down.

01:09:51.000 But, There was a big uproar.

01:09:53.000 A lot of comedians started trying to show how they were woke enough, and they were like, I don't think you should do it.

01:09:58.000 Very publicly, quit putting Rebecca in this position.

01:10:01.000 Because Milo Yiannopoulos was going to be in that place.

01:10:04.000 Here's how you can tell someone is a fucking white knight virtue signaler.

01:10:07.000 When they don't go to you saying, hey, Tom, I'm calling you on the phone.

01:10:11.000 Don't do this.

01:10:12.000 But I get it.

01:10:12.000 I might not have your number.

01:10:13.000 So if I'm tweeting at you, I'll just write, at Tom Segura, don't do this.

01:10:19.000 If I really want a virtue signal, I'll go dot at Tom Segura or hey at Tom Segura.

01:10:23.000 So it's not just me and your followers.

01:10:25.000 It's everybody.

01:10:26.000 Anytime anybody sees, if you're listening, you see somebody not start with the at.

01:10:30.000 That is them virtue signaling on purpose.

01:10:34.000 Unless they're saying something positive, they just want everybody to see it.

01:10:37.000 Oh, yeah, yeah, absolutely.

01:10:38.000 You're right.

01:10:38.000 Good point.

01:10:39.000 Like, hey, everybody, come see Tom.

01:10:41.000 You don't want to say, Steve Simone's new album.

01:10:43.000 Hey, R.A. Shafir, I loved your new Netflix special.

01:10:45.000 I love the Jew Hour.

01:10:49.000 It's great.

01:10:50.000 It's a great hour.

01:10:50.000 I saw some of it.

01:10:52.000 It's a great hour.

01:10:53.000 You've been working on it hard.

01:10:54.000 Your Jew buddy Milo, he's gonna appear on the show.

01:10:59.000 All these comics, all these people start saying, I will never go to the creek again.

01:11:02.000 They put unbelievable pressure on her.

01:11:04.000 They call him a Nazi.

01:11:05.000 A club owner.

01:11:06.000 He's Jewish and he's also married to a gay man who's black.

01:11:10.000 Who's black.

01:11:11.000 Crushes his ass.

01:11:12.000 Opens it up.

01:11:13.000 Allegedly.

01:11:14.000 So wait a minute.

01:11:15.000 What ends up happening?

01:11:16.000 So they go, we're not going to have him on?

01:11:17.000 Okay, so they said, we're doing this.

01:11:19.000 We're not talking.

01:11:20.000 They started going to war with these fucking Virtue Signaler comics.

01:11:23.000 Okay.

01:11:24.000 And then at some point, Rebecca, I talked to her a bunch.

01:11:27.000 This is not my thing.

01:11:28.000 I don't even want to do it.

01:11:29.000 And I'm like, Rebecca, what you do is you stand by your comics.

01:11:32.000 And so you let them do whatever they want.

01:11:33.000 Obviously, I've been on the wrong side.

01:11:36.000 I've had venues cancel me.

01:11:37.000 Yeah.

01:11:38.000 Because of shit like this.

01:11:39.000 So I'm like, you don't want to be involved.

01:11:42.000 Then Milo's people said, oh guys, you put out the time and date of where I'm going to be.

01:11:47.000 Security issue.

01:11:47.000 I can't go anymore.

01:11:48.000 So they moved it.

01:11:49.000 So they moved it and still did it?

01:11:50.000 And still did it somewhere else.

01:11:51.000 Yeah, we did it.

01:11:52.000 And then, okay.

01:11:53.000 Well, shout out to her for not caving then.

01:11:55.000 Yeah.

01:11:56.000 And consider her name as the Creek in the Cave.

01:12:00.000 That's funny.

01:12:02.000 So did it go out?

01:12:04.000 Yeah, it's out now.

01:12:05.000 Oh, okay.

01:12:05.000 Yeah, and it's all...

01:12:07.000 I didn't watch the whole thing, but the part with you and Milo pouring booze, it was pretty funny.

01:12:11.000 The next time somebody calls Milo a Nazi and me a Nazi sympathizer, they say, it's my face.

01:12:15.000 Maybe I'm just weird because I just saw my dad speak at the memorial, but I'm like, if you're going to tell me the people who took his father and say you need to say goodbye to your son...

01:12:26.000 And son, you've got to take care of the family now and watch the rest of your family fucking disappear and death is the same as that political analyst.

01:12:33.000 I'm going to slap you.

01:12:35.000 You should slap him.

01:12:36.000 You should.

01:12:37.000 It's so derogatory and offensive in a way that I'm not okay with it.

01:12:41.000 So you can say that away from me, but if you say it to me, I'm going to...

01:12:44.000 There's a lot of Brooklyn comics that were saying that.

01:12:47.000 There's not enough of those guys that are getting smacked.

01:12:49.000 That's why they're saying shit like that.

01:12:50.000 That's what Diaz always said.

01:12:51.000 That's what Big Jay said.

01:12:53.000 They're delirious...

01:12:54.000 Delirious.

01:12:55.000 You're completely ridiculous.

01:12:57.000 Of course, it's insane.

01:12:58.000 The guy is a provocateur.

01:13:01.000 He fucks with people.

01:13:02.000 He pushes buttons, and he does so in the age of the internet.

01:13:06.000 He's a great troll.

01:13:09.000 The thing that they got him on, which is where it all got really weird, was essentially him saying that it should be okay what happened to him when he was molested.

01:13:20.000 That he was sexually molested by priests.

01:13:24.000 And this priest, he would joke around and say that he was the one who pursued the priest.

01:13:30.000 Trust me, I was the predator.

01:13:32.000 That's how he said it.

01:13:33.000 He's hilarious.

01:13:35.000 And that's what got him...

01:13:37.000 It was talking about that on my show, and then talking about it on this other show.

01:13:42.000 Wasn't it the Amazing Atheist show?

01:13:44.000 It was, right?

01:13:45.000 The point is, anybody who says, like, you shouldn't be allowed to put...

01:13:48.000 That person can't be heard anymore.

01:13:50.000 That's what they're saying, but that's what it was.

01:13:52.000 But it was really just his harsh critiques of liberals and feminists that were so biting.

01:13:58.000 And then, you know, he actually did a podcast with Jordan Peterson recently where he talked about...

01:14:04.000 The molestation.

01:14:05.000 I didn't see it.

01:14:06.000 But from Jordan's explanation, it's like he's understanding now as he's getting older that, yeah, he was a victim of this thing.

01:14:13.000 And he was making it less...

01:14:15.000 Impactful, yeah.

01:14:17.000 Yeah, that he was...

01:14:19.000 Giving this guy like a pass that he did it to him almost.

01:14:24.000 Yeah.

01:14:25.000 Anyway, the Creek of the Cave is a great place for young comics in New York.

01:14:28.000 I hear nothing but great things.

01:14:30.000 It's amazing.

01:14:30.000 I support that place.

01:14:32.000 It's like they bring together young comics and give them places to perform.

01:14:35.000 It is what the comedy store was if you take away the 12 plus year comics.

01:14:43.000 How many seats is it?

01:14:48.000 I walked in on a skank fest and I walked past Ari throwing piss on somebody and I walked downstairs to a room full of people with their shirts off Chanting...

01:15:07.000 Do you remember that, Ari?

01:15:08.000 Did you shit in a Tupperware there?

01:15:11.000 Yeah, that's where you opened up the Tupperware.

01:15:14.000 He took his shit in a Tupperware and then opened it up in the room.

01:15:18.000 It was a tackle box.

01:15:20.000 It was a fishing tackle box that I wrapped.

01:15:23.000 Michael Che was outside and he was like, oh!

01:15:26.000 And he ran.

01:15:26.000 He smelled it from fucking down the street.

01:15:29.000 I'm starting to gag just...

01:15:31.000 And these guys were offended by Milo?

01:15:33.000 Exactly.

01:15:34.000 It's like, what are you guys talking about?

01:15:35.000 But it wasn't them.

01:15:37.000 I'll just shit into it and see whatever happened.

01:15:38.000 It was a pile, a bit...

01:15:40.000 Oh my god, dude.

01:15:41.000 It's a good question.

01:15:41.000 I'm not sure exactly.

01:15:42.000 Sometimes when you shit and it smells awful and you realize you've shit so much that it's broken water and it's rising like...

01:15:48.000 Yeah.

01:15:48.000 It's broken water?

01:15:49.000 Out of the fucking toilet bowl.

01:15:53.000 You know?

01:15:53.000 It's like the Kona coast.

01:15:55.000 Yeah.

01:15:56.000 You get that smell.

01:15:58.000 Why does it smell so bad?

01:15:59.000 Then you realize you shit so bad.

01:16:02.000 My dog shit doesn't smell nearly as bad.

01:16:05.000 Not even nearly as bad as people shit.

01:16:07.000 It smells like hate crimes.

01:16:10.000 Dog shit, once it gets in between your toes, smells worse.

01:16:14.000 I don't believe that.

01:16:15.000 Dogs aren't drinking.

01:16:16.000 That's what it is.

01:16:17.000 They're not drinking whiskey.

01:16:18.000 They're not eating Subway.

01:16:20.000 I thought you were going to do a thing on dog hydration.

01:16:25.000 Dogs don't have enough water, man.

01:16:27.000 It makes their shit good.

01:16:28.000 Guys, On It Dog has a new product.

01:16:30.000 The real problem with dogs is the amount of water in their shit.

01:16:33.000 If you can dehydrate your dog, it'll be nearly as bad.

01:16:39.000 No, nothing's as bad as human shit, man.

01:16:41.000 Human shit is so nasty, man.

01:16:43.000 You know, you're walking in a city, and sometimes you see shit, and then if you smell it, if you smell it, it's like a fucking 90% chance that's human shit.

01:16:54.000 Oh, 100%.

01:16:54.000 Oh, dude, that's what they told me in Hong Kong.

01:16:56.000 They're like, listen, if you see, hold on, not every mainlander from mainland China shits in malls, but if you see shit in a mall, that's a mainlander.

01:17:04.000 Yeah.

01:17:05.000 Really?

01:17:05.000 Like, yeah, they're disgusting.

01:17:07.000 They just shit in the mall?

01:17:08.000 Yeah, they just shit.

01:17:10.000 Mainly Chinese people.

01:17:11.000 Just shit in the mall?

01:17:12.000 I'm not talking about the bathrooms.

01:17:14.000 Oh, the ground.

01:17:15.000 The ground.

01:17:15.000 So, okay, so you're walking through the mall and you see human shit on the ground.

01:17:18.000 Uh-huh.

01:17:19.000 Yeah, dude, they don't know how to be.

01:17:20.000 Chinese tourists are an underrated worst tourist in the world.

01:17:23.000 What?

01:17:24.000 Chinese tourists are the worst tourists.

01:17:26.000 When they're saying to Trump, we're going to hold our tourism back, all the fucking travelers are like, please keep them there.

01:17:34.000 So they just, some folks who live in rural China, is that what you're saying?

01:17:38.000 Dude, the children, you've been there.

01:17:40.000 They have these shorts, these wide shorts, with a cut down the middle.

01:17:44.000 So when you stand up, the cut comes together.

01:17:46.000 But when you squat, so you don't have to fucking lift your shorts out, it comes out and then just shit away, bro.

01:17:54.000 They just shit where they're walking?

01:17:55.000 Ten-year-olds wear these shorts.

01:17:57.000 Just take shits.

01:17:57.000 How do I get those pants for Sundays?

01:18:01.000 What is this?

01:18:02.000 Why kids keep crapping in public in China?

01:18:04.000 It's part of their culture, dude!

01:18:06.000 That doesn't mean shit.

01:18:08.000 You can find anything online these days.

01:18:10.000 That's true.

01:18:11.000 What is this, Breitling?

01:18:12.000 Look at Bert with the fucking common sense.

01:18:14.000 Dude, I've gotten trapped in these so much.

01:18:15.000 It is Kotaku.com.

01:18:16.000 The Louvre!

01:18:17.000 They're the worst tournament!

01:18:20.000 I had to put up signs asking Chinese tourists to not poop on the grounds.

01:18:23.000 Oh my god.

01:18:24.000 Scroll down that for a second.

01:18:25.000 Top five worst tourists.

01:18:26.000 Chinese.

01:18:27.000 Far and away number one.

01:18:28.000 Like fucking Richard Pryor.

01:18:29.000 How did Chinese replace Americans as the worst tourists in the world?

01:18:32.000 We never were!

01:18:33.000 It says they're obnoxious.

01:18:34.000 Oh my god.

01:18:35.000 This is a terrible article.

01:18:36.000 Yeah.

01:18:37.000 Although, have you ever been?

01:18:38.000 And they shit in public, apparently.

01:18:40.000 Oh my god, this is on Vice.

01:18:41.000 Yep.

01:18:42.000 UK Vice.

01:18:43.000 UK Vice.

01:18:43.000 How dare you, people?

01:18:44.000 What's the fucking difference?

01:18:45.000 So we're reading this, folks.

01:18:47.000 If you hear those words, I have not said that.

01:18:50.000 I'm reading something off of the title.

01:18:54.000 For the record.

01:18:55.000 I'm not saying Chinese people are bad.

01:18:55.000 If you're listening, it's all Asians, technically.

01:18:58.000 If you're listening, Ari did say everything to me.

01:18:59.000 I did say all that.

01:19:00.000 I'll stand by it.

01:19:01.000 Chinese tourists are by far the worst tourists.

01:19:03.000 Next is, I don't know how to say this, Israel and Russians tied.

01:19:07.000 Why Israelis?

01:19:08.000 I'm sorry, I'm bad, I'm bad.

01:19:10.000 I'm missing Australians.

01:19:12.000 The Bogans are garbage people.

01:19:14.000 Are you serious?

01:19:15.000 And they have fucking inflicted them into the world like, go learn on their turf.

01:19:18.000 Wow.

01:19:19.000 Bogans are awful.

01:19:20.000 Why Israelis?

01:19:21.000 Look at them.

01:19:22.000 I don't know.

01:19:22.000 Can they get out of the army and they think they can fucking go nuts?

01:19:25.000 Yeah.

01:19:25.000 I don't know, but people don't like Israeli tourists.

01:19:28.000 Really?

01:19:28.000 Yeah, they got a reputation about them.

01:19:30.000 I didn't know that.

01:19:31.000 Americans are way down the line.

01:19:33.000 No, Americans are not celebrated in a lot of parts where you travel to, man.

01:19:38.000 We are very celebrated.

01:19:39.000 A lot of people.

01:19:40.000 We're the only ones who tip consistently.

01:19:41.000 Hardcore.

01:19:42.000 People like our money.

01:19:43.000 Yep.

01:19:43.000 And the ones who travel are not the fucking fat rednecks to Texas.

01:19:46.000 Yeah, that's true.

01:19:47.000 We're the ones who've gone and gone to the world.

01:19:49.000 But sometimes they are.

01:19:51.000 That's the...

01:19:52.000 Sure, sometimes.

01:19:53.000 There's loud Americans.

01:19:53.000 I'm just saying there's plenty of obnoxious Americans traveling.

01:19:56.000 Yeah.

01:19:56.000 Definitely.

01:19:57.000 But we're not in this top five.

01:19:59.000 Really?

01:19:59.000 Interesting.

01:20:00.000 I would have assumed we would.

01:20:01.000 Well, we aren't normally shitting at the mall.

01:20:03.000 I can't believe it.

01:20:04.000 That's a big step down.

01:20:05.000 It's a big step down.

01:20:06.000 In doors is insanity, dude.

01:20:08.000 Like, for you to think that other people are going to be like, oh, yeah, you just got to take a shit.

01:20:12.000 So what is the culture like?

01:20:14.000 Dude, I've been where it's like, I got to piss in public at other things.

01:20:16.000 Like, block me.

01:20:17.000 Block me.

01:20:18.000 You know?

01:20:18.000 So I get four or five guys around.

01:20:19.000 No, you don't have to block me.

01:20:21.000 I'm just going to shit real quick.

01:20:22.000 It's like we're in the woods and I gotta piss.

01:20:24.000 There's no, like, embarrassment level.

01:20:25.000 That's how they feel.

01:20:26.000 That's how they feel, dude.

01:20:27.000 They don't even worry about who cleans it up.

01:20:29.000 Because they're not even thinking about it.

01:20:30.000 Dude, let it stay there.

01:20:32.000 Do they wipe?

01:20:32.000 There's no wiping.

01:20:33.000 Imagine if everybody did that.

01:20:35.000 If everywhere you looked, it was just shit.

01:20:37.000 Oh, Jesus.

01:20:38.000 Everywhere you're walking.

01:20:41.000 So if you were to confront somebody right after you're like, what the fuck did you just do?

01:20:44.000 They'd be like, what are you talking about?

01:20:45.000 Do you think that they live in a place...

01:20:46.000 The way they would confront you is like, what, you just got in your car?

01:20:49.000 You're like, what?

01:20:50.000 I don't get it.

01:20:51.000 Do you think that it's where their living is so overrun with people?

01:20:56.000 That they just shit anywhere and they don't think that anybody has an impact on the environment?

01:21:00.000 Well, now you're asking me to speak to an expert, and I will.

01:21:03.000 Yes, please.

01:21:03.000 Even though I'm not one, but this is all my interpretation.

01:21:06.000 And yeah, I think they have no expectation of privacy because they're so fucking on top of each other.

01:21:10.000 Their homes, extremely clean.

01:21:12.000 Take off your shoes before you come inside.

01:21:14.000 Really?

01:21:14.000 The homes are fucking...

01:21:15.000 Are we talking about, is this thing like...

01:21:18.000 But I'm saying, on the mainland, you know, China's over a billion people.

01:21:22.000 So you have a lot of, like, really poor, uneducated rural parts.

01:21:27.000 And, like, saying that somebody in that area does this, I'd be like, yeah.

01:21:30.000 Are you saying that, like, even somebody that lives in Beijing or Shanghai who has a job?

01:21:35.000 No, they don't.

01:21:37.000 No.

01:21:37.000 They don't.

01:21:38.000 So that's what I'm saying.

01:21:38.000 Not all mainlanders will shit in malls.

01:21:40.000 But if you see shit in a mall, it is a mainlander.

01:21:43.000 And let's be clear.

01:21:44.000 When they say kids, what age group?

01:21:46.000 Is it high school kids who are trying to fuck?

01:21:48.000 Or is it like...

01:21:49.000 There's just shit everywhere?

01:21:51.000 We're trying to fuck!

01:21:52.000 We're taking shits!

01:21:53.000 How long were you in China for?

01:21:55.000 I wasn't in China.

01:21:56.000 I was in Hong Kong, Singapore, and Macau.

01:21:58.000 Now, what's funny is when you're in Macau, which is obviously a big casino kind of tourist destination, all the people there, they eyeball immediately who's like a mainland Chinese person, you know?

01:22:11.000 Really?

01:22:12.000 Well, that's a different type of thing where if somebody's like, you see dudes in Macau in like Versace shades and like Fendi and Gucci and like, I mean, crazy outfits and you're like, God!

01:22:26.000 Damn!

01:22:27.000 What's up with that dude?

01:22:28.000 And they'll be like, that's just a mainland dude who knew money.

01:22:31.000 He just got rich.

01:22:32.000 Wow.

01:22:32.000 It's all over Macau.

01:22:34.000 We just know.

01:22:35.000 And then you see the understated person.

01:22:38.000 They're like, that's a Hong Kong guy.

01:22:39.000 That's old money.

01:22:40.000 Yeah, right.

01:22:41.000 Oh, it's like England almost.

01:22:42.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:22:43.000 Yeah.

01:22:44.000 You know how like England they got those guys that are like the Oasis who are like tracksuits and all that like this?

01:22:52.000 And then you got the old posh money who's like, all right.

01:22:55.000 Alright, that's all.

01:22:56.000 We can do accents.

01:22:58.000 Accent challenge.

01:22:58.000 Name an accent.

01:23:00.000 Name an accent.

01:23:02.000 Dumb fucking fat Florida person.

01:23:04.000 Hey, what's up guys?

01:23:05.000 It's Perk Reiser.

01:23:06.000 I got tornadoes in Auckland.

01:23:07.000 Son of a bitch.

01:23:10.000 Oh my god.

01:23:12.000 Wait, Ari, I'll say a country.

01:23:14.000 You do the accent without saying the words, okay?

01:23:16.000 Okay, okay, okay.

01:23:17.000 Here we go.

01:23:17.000 Russia.

01:23:18.000 Don't say the words.

01:23:18.000 Just make the noises they make.

01:23:22.000 Okay, I'm not great at accents.

01:23:24.000 I'm not great at accents.

01:23:25.000 I'm not great at accents.

01:23:28.000 Don't do any words.

01:23:30.000 Don't do any words.

01:23:34.000 You're in Japan.

01:23:38.000 Have you ever heard the samurai speaking Sasquatch footage?

01:23:43.000 No.

01:23:44.000 No.

01:23:45.000 One of the dumbest things that Duncan and I did when we were doing that show.

01:23:47.000 You guys did this?

01:23:48.000 No, no, no.

01:23:49.000 We went and studied Bigfoot.

01:23:51.000 One of the dumbest things.

01:23:52.000 Ari did the show with me.

01:23:54.000 And one of the things that we did when we studied Bigfoot was talk to a Bigfoot expert that was playing us some audio.

01:23:58.000 And some of the audio, it sounds like a samurai.

01:24:02.000 It sounds like...

01:24:04.000 And the guy was claiming that this was like a secret recording of Bigfoot.

01:24:07.000 Really?

01:24:08.000 Speaking samurai.

01:24:09.000 It was the dumbest fucking thing I'd ever heard in my life.

01:24:11.000 Did anything, by the way, in your conspiracy theories and what you challenge, was there anything that you ended up going, oh, that's not dumb?

01:24:22.000 Yes.

01:24:23.000 Really?

01:24:24.000 Yeah, Morgellons disease.

01:24:26.000 Morgellons disease is a disease where people...

01:24:28.000 Is it Morgellons?

01:24:29.000 Is that what it's called?

01:24:30.000 But you're saying something you didn't even think about before.

01:24:31.000 Yeah, I thought it was bullshit before because I had read that it was bullshit.

01:24:34.000 And what I read was that the people would think that they had things growing out of their skin so they'd be scratching themselves and they would add fibers to their skin and take pictures of it and say, look, I've got things growing out of my skin.

01:24:47.000 And that it was a hoax.

01:24:49.000 But then talking to a doctor who had Morgellons who explained to me that there's some sort of neurotoxic effect of Lyme disease.

01:24:58.000 And that everyone who has Morgellons also has Lyme disease.

01:25:01.000 And he was a legitimate doctor and a very smart guy.

01:25:05.000 And he was essentially saying that mainstream science in its rush to...

01:25:11.000 Prove he's gonna piss in that.

01:25:13.000 Try not to interrupt.

01:25:15.000 What are you doing?

01:25:16.000 Just right there.

01:25:17.000 Ari, come on, man.

01:25:21.000 But you're gonna get us kicked off of YouTube with your dick out.

01:25:25.000 Balls are away.

01:25:26.000 Just cut straight to his dick.

01:25:27.000 Anyway, what was I saying?

01:25:28.000 Magellan's disease?

01:25:30.000 That that is a real disease.

01:25:31.000 That this Morgellons disease is...

01:25:33.000 What it is is Lyme disease.

01:25:35.000 There's a bunch of pathogens that come with Lyme disease.

01:25:39.000 It's not just the Lyme disease.

01:25:41.000 It's not like a pure one or a zero.

01:25:44.000 You have it or you don't.

01:25:45.000 It's a dirty tick that has a bunch of fucking horrible...

01:25:51.000 Would you know if you had Lyme disease?

01:25:53.000 Yes.

01:25:53.000 You get a bullseye looking red mark around the area and the area hurts.

01:26:01.000 And then you start experiencing terrible symptoms like flu-like symptoms.

01:26:06.000 You gotta catch it quick.

01:26:07.000 Stop being able to read.

01:26:08.000 You're supposed to catch it quick.

01:26:09.000 On your show?

01:26:11.000 He wanted to brush his teeth and he couldn't go back and forth.

01:26:14.000 He was like, what the fuck?

01:26:14.000 My friend's kid got Bell's palsy where his face went numb.

01:26:17.000 Don't get me started.

01:26:18.000 I had a teacher that had Bell's palsy in high school and they kept him out and then he came back.

01:26:25.000 And he was okay?

01:26:26.000 No, but he came back while he still had the face paralysis.

01:26:30.000 We're all like, looking at this dude.

01:26:32.000 We had a student a year older than me at Bell's Palsy and we mocked them relentlessly like we should have.

01:26:37.000 Pro, pro, pro.

01:26:38.000 John Heffern got it on stage.

01:26:44.000 No way.

01:26:44.000 He was on stage and his face started going on him and he had to hold his cheek over to finish his jokes.

01:26:49.000 Then he called his brother-in-law and he goes, I think I'm having a stroke.

01:26:52.000 I'm about to get on a plane.

01:26:53.000 I think I'm having a stroke.

01:26:54.000 The next morning, his face was numb and drooped, and his brother-in-law goes, go to the fucking doctor right now.

01:26:58.000 Yeah, what do you mean?

01:26:59.000 You're having a 20-hour stroke.

01:27:00.000 And it was Bell's Palsy.

01:27:01.000 And so what do they do about that?

01:27:03.000 How do they fix that?

01:27:04.000 Nothing.

01:27:04.000 Fucking nothing.

01:27:06.000 You just can't do anything, right?

01:27:07.000 You just wait.

01:27:07.000 Eddie Ift had it.

01:27:08.000 Dude, I wake up.

01:27:10.000 Eddie Ift had it?

01:27:11.000 Eddie Ift had it, too.

01:27:12.000 I think it's a virus.

01:27:14.000 You'd be good at it.

01:27:15.000 Dude, I think about Bell's Palsy every fucking morning.

01:27:20.000 Why?

01:27:23.000 Such a crazy morning thought!

01:27:26.000 Why would you think of that?

01:27:28.000 It's my ritual.

01:27:29.000 Every morning I wake up.

01:27:30.000 On the left I thought he was doing a Stallone impression.

01:27:32.000 He said Stallone has Bell's palsy too.

01:27:35.000 Does he?

01:27:35.000 He got it when he was young and sometimes it doesn't go away.

01:27:37.000 Whoa.

01:27:38.000 And so he wrote, so we're at about three moths.

01:27:41.000 Does it affect the spelling?

01:27:44.000 I don't know what the actual effects are.

01:27:46.000 Well, if you don't know how to spell, it doesn't help.

01:27:49.000 He looks better now.

01:27:52.000 I hung out with him this weekend.

01:27:55.000 So is he back on stage?

01:27:56.000 He's back on stage.

01:27:57.000 How recently did this happen?

01:27:58.000 He spent like three weeks in his sister's basement just being like, it's never going to come back.

01:28:03.000 My career's over.

01:28:04.000 I can't go on stage.

01:28:04.000 He tried to do a show, and he said everyone was just staring at him like this.

01:28:09.000 Oh, man.

01:28:10.000 So, what do they do to fix it?

01:28:13.000 Nothing.

01:28:13.000 You just wait?

01:28:14.000 You just wait until it starts coming back.

01:28:16.000 Yeah, I think you said reboot.

01:28:17.000 It was like, right?

01:28:18.000 Your face reboots.

01:28:19.000 So you've got to get KO'd.

01:28:21.000 Wait, so why do you think about this every morning?

01:28:23.000 Dude, especially when I'm getting ready for a special, I think like...

01:28:26.000 What if I got Bell's Palsy?

01:28:28.000 The morning of, that would be terrible.

01:28:30.000 The morning of my special, the secret time, I woke up and I smiled and I went, I beat Bell's Palsy.

01:28:36.000 That's the first thought I had.

01:28:38.000 That is the dumbest fucking thing.

01:28:41.000 Jesus Christ, how am I involved in this conversation?

01:28:44.000 I can't believe I'm involved in this conversation.

01:28:47.000 Bell palsy, you know what else I forget I think of?

01:28:49.000 Alopecia.

01:28:51.000 There's hair falling out?

01:28:52.000 Everyone gets out.

01:28:53.000 I had it when I was little.

01:28:55.000 Every comic at the store had it.

01:28:56.000 Burn had it.

01:28:57.000 Ahmed had it.

01:28:58.000 Everyone got it at one point, and I just was like, don't give me all the hair.

01:29:02.000 All the hair fell out?

01:29:02.000 Just in a circle.

01:29:03.000 Norman had it.

01:29:04.000 Weird patches.

01:29:05.000 Comics get it.

01:29:05.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:29:06.000 Comics get it?

01:29:07.000 I had it in a circle in my head.

01:29:09.000 When I was a kid.

01:29:10.000 Yeah.

01:29:10.000 I think about alopecia, too.

01:29:12.000 Mike Tyson had it, remember?

01:29:14.000 That's why I fought so hard?

01:29:15.000 Yeah, Mike Tyson had a weird circle in his head for a while.

01:29:19.000 I didn't know it.

01:29:20.000 Yeah.

01:29:21.000 Wait, you said you were going to dominate earlier.

01:29:23.000 What are you dominating?

01:29:24.000 You like to dominate?

01:29:24.000 You've got to give me the context again.

01:29:26.000 I know.

01:29:27.000 You said you like dominating.

01:29:29.000 Yeah, dominating life.

01:29:31.000 Yeah, dominating life.

01:29:32.000 Yeah.

01:29:32.000 I crushed hard.

01:29:33.000 Oh, you have time to dominate because you're not on your phone.

01:29:36.000 That's what it was.

01:29:37.000 Oh, yeah, yeah.

01:29:38.000 That's how you dominate.

01:29:39.000 I can masturbate multiple times a day instead of just once like you guys.

01:29:43.000 You moved in with a lady though, right?

01:29:44.000 I did.

01:29:47.000 Honestly, guys, it might not be this year about the fucking social media addiction and stuff.

01:29:53.000 Your wedding is next year?

01:29:54.000 Are you going to take that rock out of your dick home?

01:29:56.000 Take that rock out of your dick home.

01:30:00.000 I'm going to shoot some hot ones into you.

01:30:06.000 I love you so much.

01:30:07.000 I got my dick fixed.

01:30:09.000 That's real love if you do that.

01:30:10.000 I got my pipes reconnected.

01:30:12.000 Fuck yeah.

01:30:12.000 They pulled a straw out of one of those sea turtles' noses and they used it to fix my dick.

01:30:18.000 You know that straw video with the sea turtle's nose?

01:30:20.000 No.

01:30:20.000 It's the most horrific video.

01:30:24.000 It's the reason why they don't have plastic straws.

01:30:26.000 If you're like, why the fuck do we have plastic cups to lids?

01:30:30.000 Why do we have plastic caps to water bottles?

01:30:33.000 Why don't we have plastic straws?

01:30:35.000 The reason why is because there's a fucking video of a turtle.

01:30:38.000 And they have a clamp.

01:30:39.000 I don't know if this is the main reason, but it is for a lot of people.

01:30:42.000 They clamped.

01:30:50.000 I've got to tell you, it is so much harder to watch things happen to animals than to people.

01:31:01.000 How do we not know this wasn't a night of cocaine gone wrong?

01:31:04.000 Look at that poor turtle.

01:31:06.000 So he inhaled...

01:31:07.000 Oh, he's giant, too.

01:31:09.000 He's a fucking good one.

01:31:10.000 Oh, fuck.

01:31:10.000 So they realized that the straw was stuck, and apparently this is not...

01:31:14.000 Oh, it's bleeding?

01:31:15.000 This is not an unusual thing.

01:31:18.000 So they have to pull...

01:31:19.000 Wait, what did they pull it out?

01:31:19.000 Who's the fucking tweezer guy?

01:31:20.000 Get a real tweezer guy in there!

01:31:22.000 He's scared.

01:31:23.000 And he's got little hands, too.

01:31:24.000 He's got little fucking Thai hands.

01:31:26.000 Little bitch ass hands.

01:31:27.000 Grab it and pull the fucking thing.

01:31:29.000 He's out there saving turtles.

01:31:30.000 Pull the fucking thing out.

01:31:32.000 Poor turtle's going, no.

01:31:35.000 Oh, it's in his brain, dude.

01:31:36.000 It looks like Jim Norton's going, no, don't do it.

01:31:39.000 He's using a pocket knife.

01:31:41.000 Well, that's all he's got.

01:31:42.000 Damn, dude.

01:31:44.000 You know what I would do?

01:31:45.000 Does he get it out?

01:31:45.000 I would bite it with my face and I would pull it out with my neck.

01:31:48.000 Because you're a warrior.

01:31:49.000 Someone hold his fucking head.

01:31:50.000 And you care about the animals.

01:31:51.000 I care about the animals.

01:31:52.000 I'm a warrior for sea creatures.

01:31:54.000 Oh, there we go.

01:31:55.000 This has got to get it.

01:31:56.000 This has got to get it the fuck out.

01:31:57.000 He's got a leather man.

01:31:59.000 God, this guy's horrible.

01:32:01.000 Horrible.

01:32:02.000 I never want to play Operation with this guy.

01:32:04.000 It takes time, but it's worth it at the end.

01:32:05.000 Oh, he's trying to bite the shit.

01:32:07.000 He's like, what are you guys doing to me?

01:32:08.000 It was fine.

01:32:09.000 It was better before.

01:32:10.000 Leave me alone.

01:32:10.000 He's bleeding out of his fucking nose.

01:32:13.000 How did they get the sea turtle on the boat to notice it in the first place?

01:32:16.000 Guys, stop being a bitch.

01:32:17.000 Grab that guy.

01:32:17.000 Stop being a bitch.

01:32:18.000 He's not biting at you.

01:32:19.000 Here he goes.

01:32:21.000 Nope.

01:32:21.000 Lost it again.

01:32:22.000 He's trying to do a fucking pull.

01:32:24.000 He just got a gentle pull.

01:32:25.000 He eventually gets it.

01:32:26.000 I swear to God.

01:32:27.000 Please show me.

01:32:28.000 Please show him getting it.

01:32:29.000 There's still so much more.

01:32:30.000 Hold it hard.

01:32:31.000 Okay, the video's almost done.

01:32:32.000 Hold it hard.

01:32:34.000 Oh my God.

01:32:35.000 That's it.

01:32:35.000 They're going to take that out and they're going to stick it in Ari's dick hole to fix his...

01:32:41.000 I'm not eating that turtle, by the way.

01:32:42.000 That's what they should do.

01:32:43.000 They should recycle it and use that to open up your dick pipe.

01:32:46.000 This is what they do.

01:32:47.000 They take that rock out, that calcified dick rock, make a nice ring for the little lady.

01:32:54.000 That is really romantic.

01:32:55.000 Dude, that would be romantic.

01:32:56.000 You connect your dick pipe with the actual tube that they pulled out of that turtle's nose.

01:33:00.000 Throw some diamonds in there, too, but you're good.

01:33:02.000 Fix your dick pipe, son.

01:33:03.000 Bling it.

01:33:04.000 Bling it out.

01:33:05.000 Yeah, why not?

01:33:06.000 What if we each raise a dire wolf?

01:33:08.000 Like something like...

01:33:09.000 Someone's drunk.

01:33:12.000 Ugh!

01:33:14.000 Ugh!

01:33:15.000 Oh my god, that's funny.

01:33:16.000 Can I leave my car here?

01:33:18.000 Yeah, for sure.

01:33:18.000 You can leave me inside if you want.

01:33:20.000 You have a car here?

01:33:21.000 Dude, we gotta fucking get your car straight.

01:33:23.000 What?

01:33:24.000 Remember we're gonna put all those jokes on the side of your car?

01:33:26.000 Yeah.

01:33:27.000 Like, do you like to laugh?

01:33:28.000 Oh, that's right.

01:33:29.000 Yeah, we gotta do that.

01:33:30.000 Yeah, we're gonna do that.

01:33:30.000 Dude, I just don't have a car, so it's tough, but a rental car.

01:33:33.000 I would be in on getting you a car, if it could say all that.

01:33:36.000 Remember?

01:33:36.000 Yeah.

01:33:36.000 We're gonna rent you a Corvette and put a wrap on it.

01:33:38.000 Whatever happens to it, happens to it.

01:33:40.000 Yeah, we'll put a sober October wrap on that bitch.

01:33:42.000 Yeah.

01:33:43.000 I said we all wrap our cars in Sober October.

01:33:46.000 Dude, you already have extra wrap.

01:33:48.000 You have a wrap?

01:33:50.000 He wrapped his bus.

01:33:52.000 I wrapped my bus.

01:33:52.000 I just bought like 10 wraps of my face.

01:33:55.000 It's so much fun.

01:33:56.000 I put my face on everything.

01:33:58.000 Oh, the bus champ.

01:33:58.000 I didn't even tell you.

01:33:59.000 Are you the bus champ or is Ari the bus champ?

01:34:01.000 I'm the tour bus champ.

01:34:02.000 No, you're not.

01:34:02.000 What are you doing, Ari?

01:34:03.000 What is that?

01:34:03.000 Is that Lyme's disease?

01:34:04.000 What is that?

01:34:05.000 That's gross, too.

01:34:06.000 What the fuck is wrong with you?

01:34:08.000 You're so gross.

01:34:08.000 What is that?

01:34:10.000 Poison Ivy.

01:34:11.000 You got poison ivy?

01:34:12.000 Hey!

01:34:12.000 Oh, you know what I bet would help you?

01:34:14.000 I bet some CBD oil.

01:34:16.000 Rub some CBD oil in that.

01:34:17.000 What am I, a doctor?

01:34:18.000 How'd you get poison ivy on your camping trip with Bobby?

01:34:20.000 Yeah.

01:34:22.000 Oh, dude, put that down.

01:34:23.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:34:24.000 Give it to us.

01:34:25.000 It's not catchy.

01:34:25.000 Shut up.

01:34:26.000 That's what everybody with Ebola says.

01:34:28.000 It's not catchy?

01:34:29.000 You can't catch you?

01:34:29.000 Everybody with Ebola is like, no catchy.

01:34:32.000 No catchy.

01:34:32.000 I'm like, are you sure?

01:34:33.000 Why are you coughing, man?

01:34:34.000 Yeah.

01:34:37.000 Why'd the guy next to you start coughing suddenly?

01:34:39.000 Isn't that a fucked up thing about diseases too?

01:34:40.000 They try to spread themselves.

01:34:42.000 They try to get out like aliens.

01:34:45.000 I did a meet and greet in Spokane and I'm doing it and the next guy rips his shirt off, puts his arm around me and he is burning on fire.

01:34:54.000 And I go, whoa bro, you are hot.

01:34:56.000 And he's like, yeah, I got a pretty bad fever.

01:34:58.000 I go, really?

01:35:00.000 And he's like, yeah man, sorry, I think you're going to get it too.

01:35:02.000 That is the perfect Burt fan.

01:35:07.000 I'm sick.

01:35:08.000 I want to hug you.

01:35:10.000 I'm a giant fan, but I'm taking my shirt off.

01:35:12.000 You're taking yours off too.

01:35:13.000 And then he'd probably be like, hey, do you mind if we kiss?

01:35:15.000 And Bird would be like, alright.

01:35:17.000 If you want to.

01:35:18.000 Remember the other night we were talking, I was drunk and I was talking about how my inner dialogue is, you think I'm weak?

01:35:23.000 Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:35:25.000 So one of the ones is when guys go, hey man, it's always like big Italian guys, picture you kissing me on the cheek.

01:35:30.000 Kiss me on the fucking cheek.

01:35:31.000 And I always go, nah man.

01:35:33.000 Because I might hear my brain go, you think I'm fucking weak?

01:35:36.000 I got a part to kiss me on the cheek.

01:35:37.000 Kiss me on the cheek.

01:35:40.000 I'm going to lick your fucking nipples.

01:35:42.000 I left them niggling nipples.

01:35:44.000 Yeah.

01:35:44.000 You run into a lot of weird people out there in that world.

01:35:47.000 Dude, you with Bell's palsy for an hour?

01:35:48.000 Fuck.

01:35:49.000 It would be great.

01:35:50.000 It would be great.

01:35:51.000 What if we just shot Botox in your face for a month?

01:35:54.000 Because that does work.

01:35:55.000 That's a good challenge.

01:35:55.000 I'm up for that challenge.

01:35:56.000 I knew a lady who shot too much and it affected her eyelid.

01:36:03.000 Whoa.

01:36:04.000 You got to be careful.

01:36:05.000 You get to the wrong doctor and they're like, yeah, one more shot.

01:36:08.000 A little more.

01:36:08.000 And you're like, yeah.

01:36:09.000 During the Me Too movement, I always smile at women just to make sure I'm not having Bell's palsy.

01:36:14.000 Imagine if your nose is running and you didn't even know it's a consequence and it's all numb.

01:36:18.000 Oh my god, dude.

01:36:19.000 Doing shit to your face is just...

01:36:21.000 No.

01:36:22.000 I wouldn't mind a tiny face tattoo.

01:36:25.000 This is what we're going to do.

01:36:26.000 We're going to all get Botox so we can't move our face.

01:36:28.000 So you have to do your act like Joan Rivers with a frozen expression.

01:36:35.000 We're going to really start doing shit with our voices.

01:36:38.000 That's the only instrument you'll have.

01:36:41.000 You can't raise your eyebrows at all.

01:36:43.000 Joan Rivers had bits about it.

01:36:45.000 Really?

01:36:46.000 She had so much plastic surgery.

01:36:47.000 Everyone knew about her plastic surgery.

01:36:49.000 You couldn't hide it.

01:36:51.000 It was like a mask.

01:36:53.000 You look like a surprised catfish.

01:36:55.000 What's his name?

01:36:55.000 Who said that?

01:36:56.000 Who's the lawyer?

01:36:57.000 The Mexican lawyer.

01:36:59.000 The Mexican lawyer.

01:37:00.000 The Mexican lawyer.

01:37:00.000 The best is when he told Flavor Flav, you look like a skeleton with duct tape wrapped around it.

01:37:09.000 I don't get that one.

01:37:12.000 Wait, we don't have our challenge yet.

01:37:15.000 What's our challenge?

01:37:16.000 It should be hip-hop.

01:37:16.000 We have another hour.

01:37:19.000 There would be some fun of when you start getting a move down.

01:37:22.000 You're like, oh, what?

01:37:25.000 So wait, it should be something that we can do on the road, because we're all going to be on the road.

01:37:30.000 Barefoot running.

01:37:32.000 I'm telling you this, it might not be this year, and it might not be next year, but eventually you guys will come into my idea of mental health.

01:37:39.000 Can I tell you what Joe was saying?

01:37:42.000 I don't think this is a bad idea.

01:37:43.000 I'm saying Joe's saying this, obviously there's a conversation we had, I don't know if you want to share this, but he was saying, we were backstage and he was like, it's not bad to do another one of these halfway in.

01:37:52.000 So if you want to do another, do like, I'm cool with anything we decide.

01:38:05.000 I just think it should be hip-hop dancing and we should do it twice a year.

01:38:11.000 Wait, wait, wait.

01:38:13.000 One other thing.

01:38:14.000 You were saying earlier how your body moves.

01:38:19.000 So, I want to know, like, are you flexible?

01:38:23.000 Are you super flexible?

01:38:24.000 Very.

01:38:25.000 Yeah, show me.

01:38:25.000 Really?

01:38:25.000 How flexible are you?

01:38:26.000 Can you do this where you touch your hands behind your back?

01:38:29.000 Yeah, of course.

01:38:30.000 No, no, behind yourself.

01:38:31.000 Let's not do this again!

01:38:32.000 This way, this way.

01:38:33.000 No, this way, stupid.

01:38:34.000 Behind you.

01:38:35.000 Yeah, I got it.

01:38:36.000 Let's see it.

01:38:36.000 Can you do the splits?

01:38:38.000 Yeah, I can do the splits.

01:38:39.000 Show us on the table right now.

01:38:41.000 Can you do a split?

01:38:41.000 Yes, I can.

01:38:42.000 He can.

01:38:42.000 You can do a split.

01:38:43.000 He only buys jeans that have lycra in them.

01:38:47.000 Show me how to do a split first and then I'll show you if I can do a split.

01:38:49.000 Listen, I don't want to get a muscle pull so I'll go down as far as I can go without warming up.

01:38:54.000 Same here.

01:38:55.000 Yeah, you do the same.

01:38:57.000 Why don't you guys just save time and touch dicks now?

01:39:02.000 Alright.

01:39:04.000 Okay, here we go.

01:39:05.000 Oh, fuck me.

01:39:08.000 He is down.

01:39:10.000 His dick is about that far off the ground, and I think if he didn't have jeans on, the gravity would take his dick all the way to the ground.

01:39:17.000 Okay, that's legit.

01:39:18.000 Bert?

01:39:19.000 Yeah.

01:39:20.000 And you want me to go that far?

01:39:21.000 I want you to go farther if you can.

01:39:24.000 So now, wait a minute.

01:39:25.000 Yeah, yeah, for sure.

01:39:26.000 So now, if I was at the end of yoga class, I could definitely hit a full split.

01:39:32.000 And you want me to go all the way down like you did?

01:39:33.000 Yes.

01:39:34.000 Okay, ready Bert?

01:39:35.000 Yes.

01:39:36.000 Those pants are not even designed for that.

01:39:38.000 Guys, let's keep going.

01:39:39.000 Keep going.

01:39:42.000 Don't hurt yourself.

01:39:42.000 I'm hurting myself.

01:39:44.000 Don't hurt yourself.

01:39:45.000 Dude, I gotta tell you, that was really close.

01:39:47.000 It's a lot further.

01:39:50.000 This is the exact conversation we had all month last October.

01:39:53.000 You got a knee down.

01:39:54.000 What in the fuck are you saying, man?

01:39:56.000 Dude, but look, here's the deal.

01:39:58.000 What's the deal?

01:39:58.000 I'm not going into Sober October half-ass.

01:40:01.000 I'm definitely charging every one of you motherfuckers, just like I did last year.

01:40:04.000 You can't follow up one of the shittiest all-time specials of all time with something even shittier.

01:40:09.000 Yeah.

01:40:09.000 You gotta, like, do something better.

01:40:11.000 What are you saying?

01:40:12.000 No, whatever we decide to do, I'm still going full tilt.

01:40:15.000 But you said you did that last year?

01:40:17.000 No, no, no, no.

01:40:18.000 Last year you went full tilt?

01:40:18.000 No, last year I saw shit.

01:40:19.000 No, last year he was awful, and he's gonna come back strong.

01:40:22.000 No.

01:40:22.000 But he was saying he's going to come after us like he did last year.

01:40:25.000 I think, pretty sure.

01:40:26.000 Can we rewind that?

01:40:27.000 No, I was saying.

01:40:28.000 Did he say something like that?

01:40:29.000 Listen, I'm drunk.

01:40:29.000 Listen, hear me out.

01:40:30.000 Okay.

01:40:30.000 I was saying, I'm not going to not talk shit this year.

01:40:34.000 Interesting.

01:40:35.000 Okay?

01:40:35.000 Yeah, of course.

01:40:36.000 You know it can't work anymore, right?

01:40:38.000 But that's why when I do it, it'll be so effective.

01:40:40.000 Mickey Mantle's dead.

01:40:41.000 Mickey Mantle's not dead.

01:40:43.000 Mickey Mantle's dead.

01:40:45.000 Literally, literal Mickey Mantle is dead.

01:40:47.000 Yeah.

01:40:48.000 Acknowledge that I have the Mickey Mantle gene.

01:40:49.000 You too first.

01:40:50.000 I've already acknowledged it many times.

01:40:52.000 Thank you.

01:40:52.000 Acknowledge it.

01:40:53.000 It does have the Mickey Mantle gene.

01:40:55.000 What does that mean?

01:40:57.000 Dude, my dad spoke at the memorial.

01:40:59.000 At the Holocaust Memorial.

01:41:01.000 And I so badly.

01:41:02.000 He mentioned the Mickey Mantle gene?

01:41:02.000 No, I wanted to.

01:41:04.000 He goes to talk about the people who died of disease and stuff like that.

01:41:07.000 A lot of people and I wanted to yell out, they didn't have the Mickey Mantle gene.

01:41:12.000 Oh my god.

01:41:13.000 I did a date, I don't know, recently, and it was with the promoters that you work with now, and so you work with like one promoter.

01:41:21.000 Easy, bro.

01:41:22.000 What?

01:41:23.000 You work with the promoter!

01:41:25.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah, we all do.

01:41:26.000 Okay, keep going.

01:41:29.000 He's got more than one promoter is what he's trying to say.

01:41:32.000 Yeah, the Mickey Mantle too.

01:41:33.000 It's like a single guy when you're like, yeah, we were hanging out with your girlfriend.

01:41:38.000 He's got this one guy with the girlfriend chart.

01:41:45.000 He's got this one guy.

01:41:48.000 He's going to get a call.

01:41:51.000 I guess I'm your promoter, Bert.

01:41:53.000 Oh, yeah.

01:41:54.000 Bert, I guess I'm the one promoter you work with.

01:41:57.000 Hey, Bert, I just want to tell you, I heard Tom talking about the promoters and it made me proud that I'm your promoter.

01:42:04.000 Oh, they know.

01:42:05.000 They fucking know.

01:42:06.000 Because I know that there's someone else.

01:42:09.000 If there was someone else, you would, uh...

01:42:11.000 I mean, you wouldn't be that hurtful that you would be referring to someone else as your promoter.

01:42:15.000 So I know you're talking about me.

01:42:16.000 I don't want to be presumptuous, Bert.

01:42:18.000 I am fucking sweating right now.

01:42:20.000 Bert, I don't want to be presumptuous.

01:42:22.000 They brought up the gene, and they were like, I've done a bunch of dates with him, and I tried to hang out, but...

01:42:30.000 A couple days, they're like, I can't do it, man.

01:42:32.000 The booze.

01:42:33.000 Yeah, they're like, I can't hang out with him.

01:42:34.000 Very few people can keep up with my pace on the road.

01:42:37.000 Mark Maron, or Mark Norman, I'm broken.

01:42:39.000 I don't know if I can keep up, but don't try to.

01:42:41.000 Do every third drink.

01:42:43.000 You broke him?

01:42:44.000 Is it nightly?

01:42:45.000 Why did he try?

01:42:46.000 I don't know, it's just, I don't even notice I'm doing it.

01:42:48.000 The party follows you.

01:42:48.000 No, no, no.

01:42:49.000 I'm saying, why did he try?

01:42:51.000 Why would he try to keep up with you?

01:42:52.000 Rookie move.

01:42:53.000 I told him not to.

01:42:54.000 I said, you go on your pace, just be with him.

01:42:56.000 100%.

01:42:56.000 Is that guy's name?

01:42:57.000 The promoter?

01:43:10.000 I was thinking it might be a fun idea, the amount of time on a board.

01:43:24.000 None of us are going to surf?

01:43:25.000 I know, but here's the thing.

01:43:27.000 I don't live anywhere near a fucking...

01:43:29.000 You're going to be in Europe.

01:43:30.000 You've got to move, bitch.

01:43:31.000 It's just too hard.

01:43:31.000 You live near New York and you live near LA? They have Long Beach, but you're going to be on the road.

01:43:36.000 Oh, fuck, whatever.

01:43:37.000 Where do people surf in New York?

01:43:38.000 Are we really dancing?

01:43:39.000 Long Beach dancing is what we're doing.

01:43:41.000 Really?

01:43:41.000 What's that?

01:43:41.000 We're going to dance.

01:43:42.000 I don't know.

01:43:43.000 Somewhere there.

01:43:45.000 Joe, think about...

01:43:47.000 You walk on stage.

01:43:48.000 Boom.

01:43:48.000 The lights come behind you.

01:43:50.000 Right?

01:43:51.000 Another light comes down.

01:43:52.000 The music starts, and you start.

01:43:54.000 Boom, boom, boom.

01:43:55.000 And then people are like, oh, shit!

01:43:56.000 And then the beat breaks, and you go into something else, and you learn how to flip in this month.

01:44:01.000 Now you've already bought some capiterra.

01:44:04.000 You only have 45 minutes left to give.

01:44:05.000 Interesting.

01:44:07.000 45?

01:44:07.000 Capiterra, Joe.

01:44:09.000 Interesting.

01:44:10.000 You're in?

01:44:11.000 You bang out a split?

01:44:14.000 You guys are high.

01:44:15.000 Mm-hmm.

01:44:16.000 There's no way they're going to be able to do splits in...

01:44:18.000 Dude, I'm going to be dead.

01:44:20.000 I really didn't think you could do a split.

01:44:22.000 That's fucking impressive.

01:44:23.000 Why would I lie?

01:44:23.000 No, I didn't.

01:44:24.000 Because that's what I do.

01:44:27.000 Oh, yeah, I can do a split.

01:44:28.000 Fuck yeah.

01:44:28.000 You really didn't think you could do a split, though?

01:44:30.000 No, I didn't know.

01:44:31.000 I mean, to split, a grown-up doing a split is tough.

01:44:33.000 Yeah.

01:44:34.000 You got pretty...

01:44:35.000 Not that close, but it was good.

01:44:37.000 Yeah, there's pictures of me doing a split.

01:44:40.000 Yeah, multiple ones that he was posing for.

01:44:41.000 Can you sit crisscross applesauce and your legs don't hurt?

01:44:44.000 Yes.

01:44:46.000 Look at his toes straining there, by the way.

01:44:47.000 Look at his fucking spasming toes.

01:44:49.000 The one big toe is way, way off.

01:44:50.000 What year is that?

01:44:52.000 Yeah, that's not what I'm doing.

01:44:54.000 I'm pulling my feet up so that I can push down with my hips.

01:44:58.000 How come the one toe says no to you and the other toes say yes?

01:45:01.000 Zoom in on Quadrant Force.

01:45:05.000 Look at that.

01:45:06.000 Look how far away they are.

01:45:07.000 I'm doing this!

01:45:08.000 I'm doing this.

01:45:09.000 If I spread my feet out like that, and I'm lifting my toes up instead of pointing them down, I'm doing that so I can lean in with my crotch so you stretch the abductor-adductor muscle.

01:45:22.000 Guys, guys.

01:45:24.000 Gymnastics.

01:45:26.000 Good luck.

01:45:28.000 This guy breaks his hip every time he fucking gets out of the shower.

01:45:31.000 Still willing to try.

01:45:33.000 How's the Israeli gymnastics team?

01:45:34.000 He can't do gymnastics.

01:45:35.000 I have no idea.

01:45:36.000 He won't be able to do anything with that hand for like a year.

01:45:38.000 They say I can squeeze a ball at about 19 months.

01:45:40.000 Yeah.

01:45:41.000 Are you serious?

01:45:42.000 I don't know.

01:45:42.000 Wait, where's your break?

01:45:43.000 Where's the break?

01:45:44.000 Okay, so on this side, it's a bone here, chipped off, and just free-falling.

01:45:49.000 It's Tom Petty there.

01:45:50.000 And the other one on here, they have a push-in break that they only see in young children.

01:45:57.000 I told him I eat a lot of gummy-related products, and he goes, that might be...

01:46:00.000 That could, for sure, that could be part of it.

01:46:02.000 So two different breaks.

01:46:03.000 And this is from a fall?

01:46:05.000 It was a pretty nasty fall.

01:46:06.000 How come they only see it usually in one children, in young children?

01:46:09.000 They have unformed, their bones aren't just developing.

01:46:12.000 It's like a compression break.

01:46:13.000 You eat so much sugar, your bones don't form right.

01:46:15.000 It's possible.

01:46:16.000 My daughter had that break at 13 months.

01:46:18.000 Really?

01:46:18.000 Yeah, it's like a fold, yeah.

01:46:20.000 Hmm.

01:46:21.000 Ari was hauling ass.

01:46:22.000 Gymnastics is out.

01:46:24.000 This is good.

01:46:25.000 Ski challenge.

01:46:26.000 You were there when he broke his arm?

01:46:27.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:46:28.000 Ski challenge.

01:46:29.000 Fucking shredding shit in front of him.

01:46:31.000 What would be the challenge if we had a ski challenge?

01:46:33.000 We couldn't do it in October.

01:46:34.000 I guess it was how much you guys could eat my dust.

01:46:36.000 Wow.

01:46:37.000 Do you go Black Diamonds?

01:46:39.000 Do you go down Black Diamonds?

01:46:40.000 Yes, he does.

01:46:41.000 Are you like a legit skier?

01:46:43.000 No.

01:46:43.000 I'll answer this for you, Ari.

01:46:45.000 I love skiing.

01:46:46.000 Ari is fearless, and he can go down anything, but it looks disgusting.

01:46:53.000 It's like watching your parents fuck.

01:46:56.000 It is.

01:46:57.000 He snowplows the entire time, just like pizza pie, like this.

01:47:01.000 Really?

01:47:01.000 But he hauls fucking ass.

01:47:03.000 You haul ass snowplows?

01:47:04.000 Like 60 miles an hour.

01:47:06.000 60 miles an hour, Joe.

01:47:07.000 I see a bump, I'm like, I'm hitting air.

01:47:09.000 And I fucking jump, get air.

01:47:10.000 That's why you're always breaking things.

01:47:12.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:47:13.000 Can you call up your notes again?

01:47:16.000 Yeah, what do you need?

01:47:16.000 That's the last note.

01:47:18.000 It said, dominate.

01:47:19.000 Yeah, thanks.

01:47:20.000 So what have you broken an ankle and a wrist in the last two years?

01:47:24.000 Wrist, toe, chasing a dog.

01:47:26.000 That doesn't count as something.

01:47:28.000 Poison Ivy.

01:47:29.000 How are you chasing it like this?

01:47:31.000 You know who's a sick skier?

01:47:33.000 Like a badass skier.

01:47:34.000 Costa.

01:47:35.000 No.

01:47:36.000 That promoter that Burt works with.

01:47:44.000 Tommy buns!

01:47:46.000 Oh my god, I'm gonna pass out.

01:47:50.000 We have to figure one out, man.

01:47:53.000 I really think that the direction I'm going in with hip hop dance is the right direction.

01:47:57.000 Shut your mouth.

01:47:57.000 Because, Joe, it puts you out of our playing field.

01:47:59.000 What is your playing field?

01:48:00.000 Hip hop dance?

01:48:01.000 Explain to me this, though.

01:48:02.000 It's no one's playing field.

01:48:03.000 I don't agree with that.

01:48:04.000 I don't like that it's something someone's already done.

01:48:06.000 That's why even if I did this, I would have to go further.

01:48:08.000 Here's the only thing I don't like about the Hip Hop Dance Challenge.

01:48:11.000 No, I like that one.

01:48:13.000 Replay that again?

01:48:15.000 The running one.

01:48:16.000 I feel like we already know how it's going to go.

01:48:18.000 We know how it's going to go.

01:48:19.000 Dominate.

01:48:20.000 You're going to talk shit to Joe.

01:48:21.000 I'm an idiot.

01:48:24.000 Dominate.

01:48:24.000 Because we would just track miles.

01:48:26.000 Is that what we would do?

01:48:27.000 We get the rock shoes.

01:48:28.000 We already know how it's going to go.

01:48:30.000 Wait, wait, wait.

01:48:31.000 How do you guys think it's going to go?

01:48:32.000 No, there's no thinking.

01:48:34.000 We already know how it's going to go.

01:48:36.000 Thank you?

01:48:37.000 Nope.

01:48:40.000 Psycho over here would fucking do, he'd log like 2,100 miles.

01:48:46.000 Everyone's going to die.

01:48:47.000 Yeah, and then he weighs a fucking buck 35, so halfway through the month he'd be like, you know, I can actually do 10 at a fucking chop now.

01:48:56.000 He'd fucking pick up all these miles.

01:48:58.000 And then you'd break down.

01:49:00.000 And then Ari would get mad at me for doing steroids.

01:49:07.000 He brought me up at the Comedy Store.

01:49:08.000 I was the Lance Armstrong of comedy.

01:49:10.000 We would be...

01:49:12.000 He said he won a So Rocked Over contest because he was on steroids.

01:49:16.000 That was your introduction.

01:49:17.000 Is that what you said?

01:49:19.000 I said, this next comic is so funny, he recently won a fitness challenge by cheating on steroids with his friends.

01:49:27.000 He beat me to fitness contest!

01:49:29.000 I remember being with Ari when he realized you were using steroids in the car and he goes...

01:49:34.000 Not steroids, testosterone replacement therapy.

01:49:37.000 Yeah, okay.

01:49:38.000 If I start using steroids on top of that...

01:49:41.000 If I actually used steroids, it would be even more ridiculous.

01:49:44.000 Hey, by the way, what are you, a fucking chick?

01:49:45.000 Keep drinking over here.

01:49:47.000 Yeah, let's do this.

01:49:48.000 Come on, I need some confidence.

01:49:50.000 I say we do an archery challenge.

01:49:52.000 Now, hear me out.

01:49:54.000 Oh my god.

01:49:57.000 How about least amount of time spent with your kids?

01:49:59.000 Ah, Ari wins.

01:50:01.000 I probably beat him.

01:50:03.000 Jesus.

01:50:04.000 That's probably true.

01:50:04.000 Ari, I'm hanging out with your kids.

01:50:08.000 Okay, honestly, for real, for real.

01:50:10.000 No joke.

01:50:11.000 I don't mind the phone thing.

01:50:12.000 It's definitely not catching on.

01:50:13.000 And I don't mind the fitness hip-hop challenge.

01:50:16.000 Ooh.

01:50:16.000 It would be a good weight loss thing, just the same as yoga was, like a ridiculous...

01:50:20.000 It's a fitness thing.

01:50:21.000 You're thinking about doing it to get...

01:50:23.000 You actually want to lose weight, huh?

01:50:24.000 Lose weight?

01:50:25.000 No, I'm talking about that recently.

01:50:27.000 I'll tell you what.

01:50:27.000 After the yoga, my skin...

01:50:30.000 And it's probably a lot because of the booze, too, and whatever else I do.

01:50:33.000 But, like, my skin looked good.

01:50:34.000 I looked good.

01:50:35.000 I looked good.

01:50:36.000 I didn't hate the yoga, to be honest with you.

01:50:38.000 Yoga was very good for you.

01:50:38.000 I'll tell you another component you mentioned earlier.

01:50:41.000 I did this for, like, a...

01:50:43.000 Maybe 12-day stretch at the end of the weight loss challenge was nothing but water.

01:50:47.000 And that makes you feel fucking amazing after a minute.

01:50:50.000 What do you mean?

01:50:51.000 Because we were doing the weight loss battle, and I just didn't drink anything but water for almost two weeks.

01:50:58.000 And everything changes.

01:51:00.000 The way you look, the way you feel.

01:51:01.000 I only drank water.

01:51:02.000 We drink terrible things.

01:51:04.000 We?

01:51:05.000 Drinking them right now.

01:51:06.000 See, I was making a joke about my right arm just puts shit in my body that I don't want it to do.

01:51:13.000 He's got a mind of his own.

01:51:14.000 He's just like, I go, what the fuck are you doing, asshole?

01:51:16.000 Drinking.

01:51:17.000 Yeah, Diet Coke, Coke, orange juice, anything but water, right?

01:51:22.000 Most people.

01:51:23.000 Yeah, I mean, you're usually...

01:51:25.000 For me, I mean, I can get by on a lot of combination of coffee and water.

01:51:30.000 Yeah, I could just do coffee and water and be fine.

01:51:33.000 Yeah, I mean, I still will have some other things, but I don't do it a lot.

01:51:35.000 Just coffee and water.

01:51:36.000 But when you just do water, though, when you just drink water, you definitely...

01:51:40.000 After you get over the...

01:51:41.000 What's it called?

01:51:43.000 Withdrawal?

01:51:44.000 Whatever the other thing is?

01:51:45.000 You definitely feel good, man.

01:51:46.000 I went a day without caffeine.

01:51:47.000 By the end of the day, I had a headache.

01:51:49.000 I get upset.

01:51:50.000 I get angry.

01:51:51.000 I have a headache.

01:51:52.000 I get a real headache.

01:51:55.000 That's exactly what it is.

01:51:56.000 I'm telling you, not this year, next year, whatever.

01:51:58.000 When you do get off your phones, you're going to have those same withdrawal symptoms.

01:52:03.000 No, you're right.

01:52:03.000 You're right.

01:52:04.000 For sure.

01:52:05.000 I got back on my phone.

01:52:06.000 I was on the tour bus off my phone.

01:52:07.000 We were texting about some bullshit, and then I was like, ah, I'm hopping on Twitter.

01:52:10.000 And I got on Twitter, and it became my life right again.

01:52:15.000 Like dipping.

01:52:16.000 I cannot dip tobacco.

01:52:17.000 Why?

01:52:18.000 Because if I do, I'm right back in.

01:52:20.000 You dipped for a long time?

01:52:21.000 Oh, yeah.

01:52:22.000 Oh, yeah.

01:52:22.000 I miss it so much.

01:52:24.000 Really?

01:52:25.000 Florida will do it to you.

01:52:26.000 Why did you miss that?

01:52:27.000 That's why I started dipping.

01:52:28.000 And you won't go back to it, but you drink.

01:52:30.000 Except for that.

01:52:30.000 People were doing it.

01:52:31.000 Oh, it's so bad for you.

01:52:32.000 Dipping's worse for you than booze.

01:52:33.000 I don't know if it's worse.

01:52:34.000 Definitely not good for you.

01:52:35.000 It's definitely not good for you.

01:52:36.000 There's no geniuses out there dipping.

01:52:37.000 I love that fucking burn right here.

01:52:39.000 The burn is...

01:52:39.000 Oh!

01:52:40.000 Let's start dipping for that month.

01:52:42.000 You ain't thinking that good.

01:52:43.000 It's a nice little signal.

01:52:44.000 It's a flag.

01:52:45.000 If you've got a big fucking fat lip of dip, you're letting people know.

01:52:49.000 You're making irrational choices.

01:52:50.000 You're letting people know you're strong.

01:52:51.000 You're ready for anything.

01:52:52.000 Zach Galifianakis used to go on stage at the Improv with a dip in his mouth.

01:52:56.000 Did he really?

01:52:57.000 Yeah, he's a Carolina guy.

01:52:58.000 No way, did he really?

01:52:59.000 I swear to God, he'd go on with a big dip in his mouth and just spit.

01:53:02.000 Did he tell the people that he dipped in his mouth?

01:53:04.000 No, of course he wouldn't.

01:53:05.000 Zach as a comic was so much fucking fun.

01:53:07.000 He was a great comic.

01:53:09.000 I miss him as a comic.

01:53:10.000 He is hilarious.

01:53:11.000 Did you see him at Brody's?

01:53:12.000 Oh my God.

01:53:14.000 Oh, he...

01:53:15.000 Brody at a party?

01:53:17.000 Brody's gone.

01:53:18.000 Jesus, man.

01:53:19.000 Brody passed.

01:53:20.000 Yeah.

01:53:22.000 Zach opened it.

01:53:23.000 Dude, Zach was amazing.

01:53:24.000 And he was fucking hilarious.

01:53:26.000 Yeah, his live stand-up is...

01:53:28.000 Go ahead.

01:53:29.000 No, his stand-up was...

01:53:32.000 It was amazing.

01:53:34.000 I used to love watching him.

01:53:35.000 He's super tight with Brody.

01:53:36.000 He's so out there, Jack.

01:53:38.000 My wife doesn't think anything's funny.

01:53:41.000 Zach Galifianakis had a joke that to this day I think is just a great joke.

01:53:44.000 You know it's time to do laundry when you get out of the shower and dry off with a shoe.

01:53:50.000 Dude, fucking just great.

01:53:52.000 That's hilarious.

01:53:53.000 Yeah, one that I'll never forget where he was doing crab work.

01:53:55.000 He's like, what's your name, Joe?

01:53:56.000 And it's like, what's your name?

01:53:58.000 Bert.

01:54:01.000 It was just like, what?

01:54:02.000 Out of nowhere at the improv.

01:54:05.000 Bullshit!

01:54:06.000 He was funny at Brody's ceremony.

01:54:08.000 Not as funny as Jeff Ross.

01:54:09.000 Jeff Ross.

01:54:10.000 Jeff Ross.

01:54:10.000 Oh, my God.

01:54:11.000 Jeff.

01:54:12.000 Well, Jeff's...

01:54:13.000 But...

01:54:13.000 Well, Zach's was like touching and sweet and funny, and it was like everything you'd want at a memorial.

01:54:19.000 Ross just came up there and just...

01:54:21.000 Because everybody was so kind of, you know, sad and tense and emotional.

01:54:25.000 He opened...

01:54:26.000 His opening joke was so savage and hilarious.

01:54:29.000 Brody's, Brody's, all Brody's high school friends had gone up, like seven of them.

01:54:34.000 And then friends from baseball, like telling all these, like so there was, you know, you see Zach, and then like three of these friends, and then another comic, and then like three of these friends.

01:54:43.000 And then Jeff just went up and he goes, you know, after hearing so many of Brody's high school friends come up and speak about him, I know I killed himself.

01:54:52.000 In the fucking room.

01:54:55.000 The place just...

01:54:56.000 His mom was in the room.

01:54:58.000 He had to wait like 30 seconds to talk because everybody just fucking fell out of their seats.

01:55:03.000 It was.

01:55:04.000 Jesus Christ.

01:55:06.000 That's what really comedy is best at.

01:55:09.000 Definitely.

01:55:10.000 And he, Jeff, is so good at that.

01:55:15.000 Yeah, that's his world.

01:55:18.000 Ball busting.

01:55:19.000 Oh my god, the best.

01:55:20.000 He's the best at it.

01:55:24.000 So no hip-hop dancing, boys.

01:55:26.000 I don't know, dude.

01:55:27.000 Honestly, what you're going to see, Joe, is you're going to see an onslaught of people online going, Joe, hip-hop dancing is not a bad idea.

01:55:33.000 This is where you and I differ.

01:55:34.000 I'm not going to see shit.

01:55:37.000 That's why I'm so happy.

01:55:38.000 Go ahead.

01:55:39.000 Let me see you pop and lock your way out to the door.

01:55:42.000 Why don't you dance your way out to the door?

01:55:44.000 Dude, like vanilla ice.

01:55:47.000 Hey, take my kombucha bottle out with you.

01:55:53.000 So, it should be something that none of us are happy with.

01:55:57.000 I'm not happy with this show.

01:56:00.000 I think the fun thing about Subur October, when we first did it, was that we were all miserable together.

01:56:07.000 Joe wasn't so miserable, but me, you, and Tom would all just commiserate.

01:56:11.000 That was fun.

01:56:12.000 Well, I didn't like being sober.

01:56:13.000 It was weird.

01:56:13.000 And I didn't like the weird dreams that I was having when I was going through THC withdrawals when my REM sleep was kicking in.

01:56:22.000 That's when I realized that THC definitely suppresses REM sleep.

01:56:26.000 Definitely.

01:56:26.000 You think it does?

01:56:27.000 100%.

01:56:28.000 It's proven.

01:56:29.000 It's proven it does.

01:56:30.000 It does something weird to your sleep.

01:56:32.000 And Dr. Matthew Walker is a sleep doctor.

01:56:37.000 That's the best way to describe him, right?

01:56:39.000 Oh, I'd listen to that podcast.

01:56:40.000 Crazy podcast, but he talked about it, the mechanism, what THC does.

01:56:46.000 It helps people go to sleep, but there's certain parts of the sleep that you're not getting.

01:56:50.000 Now, there's an argument that not getting that sleep is okay.

01:56:57.000 That you're getting plenty of sleep because the reason why THC puts you in that dream, you're recovering.

01:57:03.000 There's an argument that somebody made online that I don't know if it's correct.

01:57:07.000 Someone wrote an article about it.

01:57:09.000 That is okay to not get that.

01:57:11.000 That's a good point.

01:57:12.000 Whatever kind of sleep that came from the THC. Let's see who can sleep the most in October.

01:57:16.000 Love that idea.

01:57:17.000 Love that idea.

01:57:18.000 Most hours sleeping.

01:57:20.000 Do you take Ambien?

01:57:21.000 No.

01:57:21.000 No?

01:57:22.000 No.

01:57:22.000 Do you take anything to go to sleep?

01:57:24.000 No.

01:57:24.000 I'll take Xanax every now and then.

01:57:27.000 My cardiologist told me never to take them.

01:57:29.000 So I'll get a prescription for 30 for a year and I won't use them.

01:57:32.000 He told you never to take them, so I'd take 30 in a year.

01:57:35.000 No, no, no.

01:57:36.000 He gave me a prescription for 30. Oh, but you didn't use it at all?

01:57:39.000 He goes, don't take them.

01:57:39.000 They melt your brain.

01:57:40.000 Oh, my God.

01:57:42.000 And you know what's so funny is they do melt your brain.

01:57:44.000 How so?

01:57:45.000 If you take one, the next two days...

01:57:47.000 I remember morning radio, like old school morning radio, when you go in, you have to be on to go to the next subject and slide your joke in.

01:57:55.000 And you remember leaving going, God damn it, I'm sharp.

01:57:57.000 Take a Xanax, and that doesn't happen for two days.

01:57:59.000 You can't jump in a conversation like that.

01:58:02.000 Oh, wow.

01:58:03.000 I noticed it because I was taking them and I just stopped and I was like, oh, I'm a lot sharper, just fucking nothing.

01:58:09.000 So like if you would go on stage and have to ad-lib something, you just wouldn't have it in you?

01:58:13.000 First time I ever took one, I got on a plane thinking, because I used to have a drink on the plane and start writing jokes.

01:58:17.000 I took a Xanax and, oh, these are going to flow out of me.

01:58:20.000 And I just sat there staring at the paper, going like, my brain's turned off.

01:58:24.000 All the fucking scary thoughts are gone.

01:58:26.000 Fuck.

01:58:27.000 Taking what?

01:58:28.000 Xanax?

01:58:28.000 Xanax, yeah.

01:58:29.000 It's a great one.

01:58:30.000 I can't believe I have to pee again.

01:58:31.000 For real?

01:58:32.000 Yeah, I do too many podcasts in a row.

01:58:34.000 I do two in a row.

01:58:35.000 I drank like 18 bottles of water.

01:58:37.000 I'm in love with Lambs Armstrong's fucking coffee.

01:58:40.000 It's Laird Hamilton's coffee.

01:58:42.000 Laird Hamilton's coffee.

01:58:43.000 Is this his?

01:58:44.000 That's Laird Hamilton's coffee machine.

01:58:46.000 That's the fucking greatest coffee I've ever had.

01:58:48.000 What's so unique about it?

01:58:51.000 It actually has an R in there.

01:58:53.000 Turmeric.

01:58:54.000 Turmeric and what else is in there?

01:58:55.000 I didn't know it had an R in there until like a week ago.

01:58:56.000 Turmeric, yeah.

01:58:57.000 It always sounds like turmeric.

01:58:58.000 That's what I thought it was.

01:58:59.000 Turmeric.

01:59:00.000 I thought it was turmeric.

01:59:01.000 Can I combine the mornings to just get coffee and take off?

01:59:03.000 Is that cool?

01:59:04.000 Yeah.

01:59:05.000 Anytime.

01:59:05.000 Fuck yeah, of course.

01:59:07.000 Let's put parameters around that.

01:59:08.000 There's so many times I want to come over here and just do bench press.

01:59:10.000 Dude, you can come over anytime you want.

01:59:11.000 For real?

01:59:12.000 Yes.

01:59:13.000 Joe says that, and then every once in a while...

01:59:15.000 Someone will take advantage.

01:59:16.000 He'll be like, whatever!

01:59:17.000 Come to the UFC whenever you want!

01:59:18.000 And then someone will be like, can I get every single one this year?

01:59:20.000 I'll be like, fuck.

01:59:22.000 But that's abuse, man.

01:59:23.000 There have been people that do abuse things.

01:59:26.000 I've had people that say, hey man, I want to come to the UFC. I go, yeah, sure.

01:59:29.000 Can I get eight tickets?

01:59:30.000 Like, what?

01:59:31.000 Eight?

01:59:32.000 Just ask for eight fucking tickets to a sold-out fight?

01:59:35.000 I wish there was a gym membership here.

01:59:38.000 To Rogan Enterprises?

01:59:40.000 Let me know.

01:59:41.000 We're here all the time.

01:59:42.000 I just need this stretch.

01:59:43.000 I'm not that guy.

01:59:43.000 You can do it.

01:59:45.000 During a podcast, the security guys, they work out.

01:59:48.000 Just go work out.

01:59:49.000 You see them on there.

01:59:50.000 It's like watching Alien here where you're like, where are they in the ship?

01:59:53.000 You can see them everywhere.

01:59:55.000 It's so cool here, man.

01:59:56.000 This is rad, dude.

01:59:58.000 I want to create this for myself.

02:00:00.000 You can.

02:00:00.000 I'll help you.

02:00:02.000 I'm talking to my promoter about it.

02:00:04.000 That guy?

02:00:05.000 What's his name again?

02:00:06.000 Roger.

02:00:07.000 Roger.

02:00:08.000 He's a great guy.

02:00:09.000 That's not his name.

02:00:14.000 Oh.

02:00:19.000 You know what this place is missing?

02:00:20.000 A gun range.

02:00:21.000 Oh, fuck yeah.

02:00:23.000 I'm gonna go to one.

02:00:24.000 Like one of them gun ranges where the fucking paper comes at you.

02:00:28.000 There's a place here that does...

02:00:32.000 What's it called?

02:00:32.000 Laser tag?

02:00:33.000 No, no, no.

02:00:34.000 A place that does...

02:00:36.000 What's it called?

02:00:37.000 Tactical training?

02:00:38.000 Tactical training.

02:00:39.000 Yeah.

02:00:39.000 I'm going with Reggie Watts.

02:00:41.000 You're going with Reggie?

02:00:42.000 Reggie Watts and I are going.

02:00:43.000 Yeah, in Simi Valley.

02:00:44.000 You guys want to come?

02:00:45.000 Yeah, I think that might be the place.

02:00:47.000 I just talked to somebody.

02:00:48.000 We're doing no training.

02:00:49.000 That might be it even.

02:00:50.000 Yeah, I bet that's it.

02:00:51.000 Yeah, Reggie and I are going to do it, and then we're going to do a podcast afterwards.

02:00:55.000 Why does he want to do it?

02:00:56.000 Yeah, Reggie's from Montana, you know.

02:00:58.000 Reggie knows guns.

02:00:59.000 Can I tell you something?

02:01:00.000 Have you ever seen him perform live?

02:01:01.000 That's crazy.

02:01:01.000 His music?

02:01:02.000 Just perform.

02:01:03.000 Yeah, just like on a show.

02:01:05.000 I've never seen him.

02:01:05.000 You ever seen him do a show?

02:01:06.000 It's crazy.

02:01:07.000 You will feel like what you do...

02:01:10.000 Is nothing.

02:01:11.000 Is not a talent.

02:01:12.000 Like, is not a skill.

02:01:13.000 I'm not kidding.

02:01:14.000 I saw this dude do a...

02:01:17.000 This is years ago.

02:01:18.000 This is, like, at least seven years ago.

02:01:21.000 Maybe eight years ago.

02:01:23.000 He did a 10 to...

02:01:26.000 At most, 15-minute set.

02:01:29.000 And it was so unbelievable that he got a prolonged standing ovation on a fucking 10-minute set.

02:01:38.000 Do you know how crazy your 10-minute set has to be?

02:01:40.000 What was he doing?

02:01:42.000 Dude, he was just improvising songs on the spot, and then he would do that thing where he would make a certain sound, and then with the machine you'd tap it, and it loops, and then start building it, and he would do that.

02:01:55.000 And then he would just have a funny aside about something, and then take it back.

02:01:58.000 But the songs he was building in the moment were so...

02:02:02.000 It wasn't like he was going like...

02:02:05.000 You like that?

02:02:06.000 I mean, it was like a full orchestra.

02:02:08.000 Yes.

02:02:09.000 You see it and you go, there's something about musicians that when you can see a certain musician, you don't view a comedian where you go like, oh my fucking God, I cannot believe the level of talent of that person.

02:02:22.000 You might think they're really funny or laugh a lot, but you're not going to be like, I've never seen something like that.

02:02:27.000 Right, right, right.

02:02:28.000 And with music, I think that...

02:02:30.000 That can happen.

02:02:30.000 He's that talented.

02:02:31.000 I saw him stand everybody up at Bonnaroo, a place where everybody was bombing.

02:02:34.000 Just a tent.

02:02:35.000 It's not for comedy anyway.

02:02:37.000 He's got everybody on their feet.

02:02:38.000 He just has a power.

02:02:40.000 Yeah, yeah.

02:02:40.000 He's like that, yeah.

02:02:41.000 Super nice guy, too.

02:02:44.000 That dude's super talented.

02:02:45.000 But then he puts you in the crowd.

02:02:47.000 If he's not talking to you, you're also like, now you're standing up and doing whatever.

02:02:52.000 I talked to somebody that went on a tour with him around that time and it was like four of them a night doing like ten cities together and I was like, what order did you guys pick?

02:03:02.000 He was like, what do you fucking think?

02:03:04.000 That dude went last every night.

02:03:07.000 You never want to follow someone who's really good at music.

02:03:10.000 You just talk?

02:03:12.000 Yeah, you suck.

02:03:14.000 They used to have a problem with that with middle acts.

02:03:18.000 That was one of the things that happened with...

02:03:22.000 With Mitch Hedberg.

02:03:24.000 Mitch Hedberg was on the road, and the middle act was a guy who was doing raps.

02:03:29.000 He had raps and songs and things he would sing, and he was crushing.

02:03:33.000 And then Hedberg would go on afterwards, and Hedberg's super deadpan.

02:03:37.000 Deadpan, slow.

02:03:38.000 That is the worst...

02:03:41.000 Who booked that?

02:03:42.000 Or you ever have a middle act in a club who just stayed a middle act but for like 15 years but became super proficient doing 20 minutes and you're like, this is fucking thunder.

02:03:56.000 Oh yeah!

02:03:57.000 And it would be like a guy who's like, you know, he became an older guy.

02:04:00.000 Ladies, you know what I'm talking about.

02:04:01.000 Oh, man.

02:04:02.000 But it's like to a T. Roy Johnson.

02:04:04.000 Roy Johnson in Tampa.

02:04:05.000 I wasn't going to say his name.

02:04:06.000 Roy Johnson in Tampa.

02:04:07.000 You said his name?

02:04:08.000 I don't think he's not in stand-up anymore.

02:04:09.000 Wait a minute.

02:04:10.000 I thought Roy was the name of your...

02:04:11.000 What's your promoter's name?

02:04:11.000 Shut the fuck up.

02:04:13.000 It's Roger!

02:04:13.000 Roy Johnson was a monster on stage in Tampa, and you could not fucking follow that guy.

02:04:19.000 Really?

02:04:19.000 He was a monster.

02:04:21.000 He quit doing comedy.

02:04:22.000 He's selling cars in Tulsa now.

02:04:24.000 What?

02:04:24.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

02:04:25.000 Dude.

02:04:25.000 Why?

02:04:26.000 He was...

02:04:27.000 You could not follow that motherfucker.

02:04:29.000 Sam Tripoli and him had beef because they did a show together.

02:04:35.000 And there was a secret shopper in the audience.

02:04:37.000 He used to hire secret shoppers to rate the comedians.

02:04:40.000 In Tampa.

02:04:40.000 Yeah, I remember this.

02:04:42.000 And Roy destroyed.

02:04:45.000 I mean...

02:04:45.000 Yeah, no, he did.

02:04:46.000 I remember.

02:04:47.000 I had him, too.

02:04:47.000 I had him for a weekend.

02:04:47.000 It was a hard guy to follow.

02:04:48.000 You worked with him.

02:04:49.000 And those guys, too.

02:04:50.000 They think, like, I'm better than the headliner.

02:04:51.000 And you're like, I can't disagree with you 100%.

02:04:53.000 Yeah.

02:04:54.000 Yeah.

02:04:54.000 Well, here's another thing though, but when you're keyed into that, like when you get in and on Thursday you see that, it definitely raises your game for the whole weekend.

02:05:00.000 Yeah, for sure.

02:05:01.000 Oh, yeah.

02:05:02.000 For sure.

02:05:02.000 Because you'll see it.

02:05:03.000 And that guy will have that.

02:05:04.000 He'll be the guy that stayed in that city.

02:05:06.000 How the fuck did he quit and start selling cars if he's that funny?

02:05:10.000 Because he was a feature.

02:05:10.000 What is he going to do for a hundred bucks a set?

02:05:12.000 But he probably, if I remember right, probably didn't start at like 20 or 22. I think he was a little older.

02:05:19.000 When he started, which kind of moves it.

02:05:21.000 And he also, it's like...

02:05:22.000 Wanted to stay in town.

02:05:23.000 Well, I think...

02:05:24.000 I think.

02:05:25.000 A relationship will always make it happen.

02:05:27.000 I'm friends with Roy, but no, I think that it was the thing that you get addicted to murdering.

02:05:32.000 And you don't grow past murdering.

02:05:35.000 And you don't go like, I'm going to go up and take chances because I want to blow the headliner offstage.

02:05:39.000 Now, I'm not shitting on Roy, but he just destroyed.

02:05:42.000 But I don't think he ever took the chance where he was like, I'm going to go up and bomb tonight and see if I can figure something out.

02:05:47.000 I think that's ultimately what happens to the features.

02:05:49.000 There's a lot of them, man.

02:05:50.000 I worked with all of them.

02:05:51.000 There's some pro features for sure.

02:05:53.000 I had one I remember who, he's the story of the guy who was headlining in those clubs for like a decade or more.

02:06:03.000 Didn't like break out, break out, but obviously he was like a proficient comedian.

02:06:07.000 Right.

02:06:08.000 Then, like, you know, it always has, like, somebody has, like, personal stuff happen, and then it's, like, family stuff, and, you know, for whatever reason, then they're, like, still in it, but now they've been doing it, like, 25 years, and then just needed the work, so it would take middle weeks.

02:06:22.000 I mean, you know, those dudes would fucking...

02:06:24.000 Hurt you.

02:06:25.000 Oh, yeah, dude.

02:06:26.000 For sure.

02:06:27.000 Guys who really knew how to crush, especially they knew local references.

02:06:30.000 And then they're just like, and they've been doing it for, imagine 25 years and they're like, just do 20 and do it for like 10 weeks in a row.

02:06:37.000 Those dudes are assassins.

02:06:37.000 They get sharp.

02:06:38.000 They don't even care if you're like tired of your material.

02:06:41.000 It's like, I'm just here to kill.

02:06:42.000 That's all the headliners in Boston.

02:06:44.000 Yeah, the Boston guys.

02:06:44.000 That's all they did.

02:06:45.000 For sure.

02:06:46.000 Because those guys would do 15 or 20 a night.

02:06:47.000 They'd do 15, 20 a night and then they would do it like three, four of them in a row and then bring up Billy Crystal.

02:06:54.000 I'm not joking.

02:06:55.000 Billy Crystal ate shit at Nick's Comedy Stop that way.

02:06:58.000 A lot of guys did.

02:06:59.000 They set them up.

02:07:00.000 It's rude.

02:07:02.000 They set up these big name headliners.

02:07:05.000 A lot of it was jealousy.

02:07:06.000 This fucking guy thinks he can come here.

02:07:08.000 Yeah, yeah.

02:07:09.000 And they would set them up.

02:07:10.000 Bang, bang, bang.

02:07:11.000 They would put their biggest hitters.

02:07:13.000 Steve Sweeney, Kevin Knox, Don Gavin.

02:07:15.000 Bang, bang, bang.

02:07:16.000 Lenny Clark.

02:07:17.000 Boom, boom, boom.

02:07:18.000 And then these poor bastards would come in from out of town.

02:07:21.000 And these guys would talk in all this Boston talk.

02:07:23.000 And then you've got a bullshit-ass act anyway.

02:07:26.000 You know, you're just kind of drifting.

02:07:28.000 You're just in between movies.

02:07:30.000 You thought you'd do a little comedy.

02:07:31.000 Make yourself feel good.

02:07:33.000 Go up and see your adoring fans.

02:07:35.000 Hey, yeah, I'm just gonna fuck around in Boston.

02:07:38.000 I'll just go down there, and I don't really have an act right now.

02:07:41.000 I'm just piecing it together, but I'll be fine.

02:07:43.000 And then you watch Gavin smash, and Sweeney smash, and the fucking room is falling apart.

02:07:49.000 And you see these poor guys, like, the look in their eye, knowing they were going to certain death.

02:07:54.000 Nothing worse than following a crossover black act.

02:07:59.000 Crossover?

02:07:59.000 Like a black guy who can play to white audiences, where you just go up and you're young, you're like 32. Feels racist.

02:08:07.000 Taking marketing classes?

02:08:09.000 Feels racist.

02:08:10.000 I don't know if it is, but I'm still listening.

02:08:12.000 I'll just say his name.

02:08:13.000 B.T. would fucking destroy.

02:08:17.000 I can't hold my piss anymore.

02:08:18.000 Go piss, go piss.

02:08:19.000 I can't boot your battle right there.

02:08:22.000 Do you think the hardest act to follow would be like BT? Oh, BT was an impossible follow-up.

02:08:29.000 Okay, hardest act to follow, me and my Stacey always do this, but also the place.

02:08:32.000 So just to give you an example of what I'm talking about, following Mike Marino at a fucking cop convention.

02:08:38.000 I got it.

02:08:39.000 You know what I mean?

02:08:40.000 I got it.

02:08:40.000 Okay, go ahead.

02:08:41.000 I'm going to tell you the hardest weekend I've ever had in my entire fucking life.

02:08:43.000 Yes.

02:08:44.000 I go to Miami.

02:08:45.000 I almost don't believe you.

02:08:47.000 Nope.

02:08:47.000 Already?

02:08:48.000 No, I don't because I always saw him fucking...

02:08:50.000 He's one of those guys that could just at least kill.

02:08:54.000 At least do well afterwards.

02:08:55.000 I get booked in Miami.

02:08:56.000 It's my first headlining week for the improvs.

02:08:59.000 And I don't sell any tickets.

02:09:00.000 And they give me a call and they say, we need to bring in another comic who's already in town to help you sell tickets.

02:09:05.000 What are you doing right now?

02:09:06.000 What are you doing?

02:09:07.000 I'm just taking my shoes off.

02:09:08.000 And your socks off?

02:09:09.000 I don't know, dude.

02:09:10.000 These fucking mushrooms are far stronger than I thought they were.

02:09:12.000 I don't know.

02:09:13.000 Oh, that's right.

02:09:13.000 I forgot too.

02:09:15.000 I was like, what?

02:09:16.000 I'm sorry, I forgot that.

02:09:18.000 I was like, this is insane, man.

02:09:20.000 What am I doing?

02:09:20.000 And I'm like, oh yeah.

02:09:21.000 He's taking his shoes and socks off?

02:09:22.000 Oh.

02:09:23.000 What are you doing right now?

02:09:25.000 I mean, you're pissing at the table, you're taking the fucking socks off.

02:09:27.000 Alright, sorry.

02:09:28.000 So you're in Miami.

02:09:30.000 I do want to hear this.

02:09:31.000 I just was super distracted.

02:09:32.000 I'm almost passed out again.

02:09:32.000 Keep going.

02:09:33.000 So you're in Miami.

02:09:34.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

02:09:35.000 And what happens?

02:09:36.000 There's another comic in town, and he's going to co-headline with you.

02:09:40.000 But the problem is, he's already brought his own feature.

02:09:43.000 He thought he was going to headline.

02:09:45.000 Who was it?

02:09:46.000 I'll give you the line up now.

02:09:49.000 So we've cut the host, so we got your feature, his feature, him, then you.

02:09:54.000 In Miami, in the heyday of Miami.

02:09:57.000 The first day.

02:09:58.000 I don't know him.

02:09:59.000 I've never met this guy.

02:10:00.000 This is like 85. Yep.

02:10:01.000 They go to the breakdown.

02:10:02.000 The host is going to do 15. The feature is going to do 15. He's going to do 40. You're going to do 40. Right?

02:10:10.000 That's a long show of your life.

02:10:11.000 This was the intro nonsense.

02:10:13.000 And imagine how hard this guy was to follow, especially in Miami, where everyone's Spanish-speaking.

02:10:17.000 Ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together for Ricky Cruz, DJ Coochie, Steve Travino, and Burt Kreicher.

02:10:26.000 Dude, I bombed harder than I've ever bombed in my life.

02:10:29.000 I mean, sweat dripping off my chin, onto my shirt.

02:10:33.000 I don't say that to too many people.

02:10:35.000 I bailed on that whole set and I brought a black guy on stage and I brought a Cuban guy on stage.

02:10:44.000 And you let him fuck?

02:10:45.000 Is this where the guy pulled his dick out?

02:10:47.000 No, that's a different night.

02:10:48.000 But I go, I said to him, I go, I'm going to just, I go, your people don't understand me, so I'll say the joke and you translate it to your people.

02:10:55.000 And so then they're sitting on stage with me.

02:10:57.000 So I go, I was talking to this girl and the black guy goes, man, I'll spin game at this bitch.

02:11:01.000 And the place went nuts.

02:11:03.000 And I said it to the Spanish guy.

02:11:04.000 He just said it in Spanish.

02:11:07.000 Whatever.

02:11:08.000 And it fucking destroyed my whole act that way.

02:11:10.000 Whenever I had a joke, I'd have them translate it.

02:11:12.000 They sat on stage with you the whole time?

02:11:14.000 That's a good move.

02:11:14.000 Sat on my stage for 35 minutes and drank tequila with me.

02:11:16.000 That's a good move.

02:11:17.000 See, that's what I'm saying.

02:11:18.000 He figured it out.

02:11:19.000 He figured it out.

02:11:20.000 You're good at figuring it out, man.

02:11:22.000 Steve Trevino destroyed.

02:11:24.000 Of course he did.

02:11:26.000 Of course he was.

02:11:27.000 Destroyed.

02:11:27.000 Remember that set you had where you bombed and you played it for everybody?

02:11:30.000 Tom's.

02:11:31.000 I kind of have a half memory of that.

02:11:32.000 I mean, I played on the podcast.

02:11:34.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

02:11:35.000 I mean, I played like clips of it.

02:11:37.000 You don't understand.

02:11:39.000 Tom used to bomb better than anybody.

02:11:41.000 I don't think it was good.

02:11:42.000 Tom's the best bomb you've ever sat in the back of a room with.

02:11:45.000 That was not good.

02:11:47.000 How about Sacramento?

02:11:48.000 That's the fucking worst.

02:11:50.000 The punchline?

02:11:52.000 What is it?

02:11:53.000 No, it was called the Laugh Unlimited.

02:11:56.000 Yeah, we did that once.

02:11:58.000 I like that place.

02:11:59.000 Yeah, it was a good spot.

02:12:00.000 When I was there, I was like, this is a good spot.

02:12:01.000 Do you know what the worst thing about a bomb?

02:12:05.000 A bomb on a Friday night.

02:12:07.000 And you bomb on the early show, and you can't believe how hard you just bombed.

02:12:11.000 It's life-altering.

02:12:13.000 You bomb harder on the late show.

02:12:15.000 And they're both sold out.

02:12:17.000 So it's not like eight people.

02:12:18.000 It's like packed to the gills, man.

02:12:20.000 What was the catalyst?

02:12:21.000 The catalyst?

02:12:22.000 I mean, he got me at it.

02:12:23.000 Because I remember that I was like...

02:12:24.000 I remember rethinking my life tonight.

02:12:26.000 Like after, you know?

02:12:27.000 Jesus.

02:12:28.000 It was that bad.

02:12:29.000 But then...

02:12:29.000 What started it?

02:12:31.000 What started the bomb?

02:12:31.000 What started the bomb was the opening joke.

02:12:33.000 Because I was just like...

02:12:35.000 By the way, before you tell your opening joke, Tom is great with feeling uncomfortable in a moment and taking it to the next level.

02:12:43.000 We're in Hawaii with Russell Peters.

02:12:44.000 The one thing they say is do not mention negative shit about the Hawaiians.

02:12:48.000 Tom's opening joke.

02:12:49.000 Do you remember it?

02:12:51.000 Man, they said island life's slow.

02:12:52.000 I didn't know they were talking about your metabolisms.

02:12:55.000 Holy shit, you guys are fat.

02:12:57.000 You did the same shit in Australia.

02:12:59.000 Don't mention aborigines.

02:13:00.000 First word.

02:13:02.000 Don't mention Japanese people.

02:13:03.000 Man, I got lost on bass today.

02:13:05.000 Luckily, I ran into a Japanese guy.

02:13:06.000 He pointed me out.

02:13:07.000 They know everything about this bass.

02:13:08.000 He's over there drinking his own piss.

02:13:10.000 Oh my god, you got me for a fucking fraction of a second.

02:13:14.000 I was like, no, he didn't.

02:13:15.000 He took his fucking socks off.

02:13:17.000 You looked at it!

02:13:19.000 I was like, he's really lost his fucking mind.

02:13:21.000 How hammered is he?

02:13:22.000 He's drinking his own piss.

02:13:23.000 So wait, how did your bomb go in Sacramento?

02:13:25.000 Dude, the Sacramento bomb was the month after Hurricane Katrina.

02:13:31.000 So I opened with a joke.

02:13:34.000 I don't remember the wording of it, but it was like how there were reports of people raping.

02:13:41.000 People in the aftermath.

02:13:43.000 And I was like, yeah.

02:13:44.000 I was like, I opened, I was just like, you know, nothing like seeing dead bodies float by that makes me want to fuck somebody, you know?

02:13:50.000 And then I just kind of like, would riff about like, you know, dead people and then being like, now I want to fuck.

02:13:57.000 And it would eat so much shit.

02:13:59.000 And then I would go, you know, you have that thing, you're like, well, I'll just go to my act now.

02:14:02.000 Like, I'll just go to life.

02:14:03.000 It was already too late, and I would bomb for the full...

02:14:07.000 Actually, you know the funny thing is...

02:14:09.000 You made it to both shows?

02:14:10.000 Yes.

02:14:10.000 The second show, you were like, I know there's something to this.

02:14:13.000 This is funny.

02:14:14.000 I was like, this is funny.

02:14:17.000 Nothing like seeing a dead person on a TV floating by that wants to be going to fuck.

02:14:21.000 It's just the timing.

02:14:22.000 The timing's off.

02:14:23.000 I'll get it.

02:14:23.000 Dude, she...

02:14:24.000 That fucking...

02:14:25.000 That club lady came up to me.

02:14:26.000 Leslie.

02:14:27.000 You know, like, your new feature at a club?

02:14:29.000 I remember she came up to me, she goes...

02:14:32.000 The bomb feels so bad, and you're sweating so hard, and you're like, man, this is emotionally just taxing, right?

02:14:38.000 You're just like, god damn.

02:14:39.000 And I walk off stage, and I run into her.

02:14:41.000 She goes, I thought you were supposed to be funny.

02:14:43.000 I was like, oh, fuck.

02:14:45.000 She sat next to me during a set.

02:14:46.000 She goes, you can't read?

02:14:47.000 And I go, what?

02:14:48.000 She's like, you're supposed to do 25. You did 23. And I was like, ah, fucking, alright.

02:14:54.000 And then, like, that's the first show.

02:14:56.000 Then the second show literally is worse in an inconceivable way.

02:15:00.000 It is worse.

02:15:01.000 Did you try to save that joke again?

02:15:02.000 Yeah, I tried to open with it again.

02:15:04.000 No, this joke works.

02:15:05.000 I was like, this works.

02:15:07.000 And then...

02:15:09.000 I ate it so hard.

02:15:11.000 Here's how hard I eat it.

02:15:12.000 I eat it so hard that I'm middling, and the MC's like, damn, dude, you fucking suck.

02:15:18.000 He's like, I've never seen...

02:15:19.000 He's scoring off you?

02:15:20.000 He was just like, it was that big dude.

02:15:23.000 Tom McLean.

02:15:23.000 Yeah, he was just like, god damn, I've never seen anything like that.

02:15:26.000 In a fun way.

02:15:27.000 In a fun way.

02:15:27.000 Big, jovial guy.

02:15:28.000 Yeah, he was jovial.

02:15:29.000 Goddamn, you fail like big lots.

02:15:31.000 Yeah.

02:15:32.000 Oh my god.

02:15:33.000 And then the next day, I was like, I don't know how I'm going to do this, man.

02:15:35.000 And Bert goes, can I give you one piece of advice?

02:15:38.000 And I go, yeah.

02:15:39.000 He goes, just open different.

02:15:41.000 Just do whatever you want, but just open on a different joke.

02:15:44.000 I was like, all right, man.

02:15:45.000 And at the time, I swear to you, that fucking first show, Saturday, Probably the best set that I've ever had.

02:15:52.000 Like, unbelievable set.

02:15:54.000 Did the lady go, oh, okay.

02:15:55.000 No, no.

02:15:56.000 She goes, I felt redeemed.

02:15:59.000 Right.

02:16:00.000 Like, I fucking destroyed it.

02:16:02.000 Right.

02:16:03.000 I mean, like, the MC is like, Jesus, I've never seen a turnaround like that.

02:16:07.000 I'm like, this feels like I... I walk around and I see her.

02:16:11.000 And she goes, what?

02:16:12.000 I didn't hear anything.

02:16:14.000 She pretended like she didn't know.

02:16:17.000 She watched.

02:16:18.000 I grabbed her.

02:16:19.000 She kept coming up to me going, you said he was funny.

02:16:21.000 You brought him with you.

02:16:22.000 And I was like, trust me.

02:16:23.000 The best part about his bomb was Tom used to have longer hair.

02:16:27.000 The amount of weight I lost during the sweating?

02:16:29.000 He used to have longer hair and he'd comb it back so it would be up, right?

02:16:33.000 And as he bombed, it starts to fall.

02:16:35.000 Yeah.

02:16:35.000 And then it starts to get wet.

02:16:37.000 And then it starts to run down his head.

02:16:39.000 It was soaking wet.

02:16:40.000 It was great.

02:16:41.000 It was like I jumped in a pool.

02:16:43.000 Like, I was fucking soaking wet.

02:16:45.000 That feeling when you're eating shit, it's not like anything else on earth.

02:16:48.000 I remember that he was up on stage, and somebody yelled at him, like some lady, and he's like, well, you're a fucking dog.

02:16:55.000 You said that?

02:16:56.000 And the room was like...

02:16:58.000 The room turned on him?

02:17:00.000 Yeah, they'll turn on you.

02:17:01.000 And then he won them back.

02:17:02.000 I remember him winning them back.

02:17:04.000 I was like, God damn.

02:17:05.000 I used to have some quick go-tos on that.

02:17:09.000 Hey, honey, your mouth...

02:17:11.000 God made your mouth for one thing and it's not talking.

02:17:13.000 Oh my God, what does that mean?

02:17:15.000 I can't even believe that's a joke.

02:17:21.000 It's irreproachable.

02:17:22.000 I would love to hear a feminist in the audience who say that now.

02:17:25.000 Jamie, why is this flashing?

02:17:25.000 This thing's flashing.

02:17:26.000 This one's flashing red.

02:17:28.000 This one is, too.

02:17:29.000 They're recording.

02:17:29.000 Oh, they're recording.

02:17:30.000 Oh, that's on.

02:17:32.000 You guys both had mushrooms.

02:17:33.000 No, they don't usually flash.

02:17:36.000 He took his socks off.

02:17:37.000 Those mushrooms didn't really do much.

02:17:38.000 Look at his shoes off.

02:17:40.000 His shoes off?

02:17:40.000 I said the mushrooms.

02:17:42.000 I took his shoes off.

02:17:42.000 I felt something.

02:17:43.000 They got me a little bit for sure.

02:17:44.000 Did we eat them during the show?

02:17:45.000 Right before the show.

02:17:47.000 Right before the show.

02:17:48.000 No, it wasn't enough that would have sent you to the moon.

02:17:50.000 It's nice.

02:17:51.000 It gives you a little nice thing.

02:17:52.000 But, like, my palms are sweaty and I'm fucking out of it.

02:17:55.000 Yeah, I'm definitely sweaty.

02:17:56.000 Is that what you get?

02:17:57.000 Your palms get sweaty?

02:17:59.000 Guys, arm spaghetti.

02:18:00.000 Listen to me.

02:18:01.000 Arm spaghetti.

02:18:02.000 Oh!

02:18:02.000 Rap battle!

02:18:03.000 Rap battle!

02:18:04.000 Rap battle!

02:18:05.000 Rap battle.

02:18:05.000 Rap battle for health.

02:18:06.000 No, listen.

02:18:07.000 Guys, I'm serious.

02:18:08.000 It's either techno, hip-hop challenge, or folks.

02:18:13.000 Hip-hop challenge.

02:18:14.000 It's not physically difficult, though.

02:18:16.000 It's mentally difficult.

02:18:16.000 No, but it's not fun to watch someone do nothing.

02:18:19.000 That's the point, Ari.

02:18:20.000 You want to watch people do stuff.

02:18:22.000 Have your affairs.

02:18:24.000 Since when is it about anybody else other than us?

02:18:26.000 No, but...

02:18:27.000 People tune in.

02:18:29.000 If they like it, they like it.

02:18:31.000 But you don't do it for other people.

02:18:34.000 Yes!

02:18:34.000 Hold on, Joe.

02:18:35.000 Listen to an artist, Tom.

02:18:37.000 Shut up.

02:18:37.000 The first...

02:18:38.000 The first challenge.

02:18:42.000 Don't use Instagram challenges watching a holding your breath challenge.

02:18:46.000 You're like, is he really holding his breath?

02:18:47.000 I don't fucking know.

02:18:49.000 Well, Bert, everyone doesn't have to be in on every goddamn thing you do every day.

02:18:52.000 I'm taking a shit.

02:18:53.000 Hey, guys, I'm going to bring you in here.

02:18:54.000 I'm the shit champion.

02:18:56.000 Hey, guys, look up!

02:18:57.000 The shit champion!

02:18:58.000 I just took a shit on Instagram first.

02:19:02.000 I'm probably the best.

02:19:03.000 Probably the best shit of all time.

02:19:05.000 What do the girls say when you're posting?

02:19:08.000 When I post, they're like, Dad, it's Mom.

02:19:10.000 In the background.

02:19:12.000 I'm like, shut the fuck up.

02:19:13.000 That's so funny that your kids do that to you.

02:19:16.000 Dad, don't use the N-word.

02:19:17.000 Stop it!

02:19:18.000 Stop it!

02:19:19.000 Everyone shut the fuck up, Dad's got a girlfriend.

02:19:21.000 And you're just trying to stream and provide for the family.

02:19:24.000 Yeah, fuck them.

02:19:25.000 They don't realize I've leveraged their futures for our income right now.

02:19:28.000 Yeah, that's what it is.

02:19:30.000 Yeah, you paid a hefty price.

02:19:33.000 Oh, dude.

02:19:34.000 Yeah, my kids do not like that I've talked that much about them.

02:19:37.000 Well, you should probably not have done that.

02:19:39.000 I remember who you are.

02:19:40.000 He's like 20 fucking 20, Joe.

02:19:42.000 Early on, he was like, really?

02:19:44.000 You mentioned your kids?

02:19:44.000 You're like, yeah, why not?

02:19:46.000 I was like, 10 years ago.

02:19:48.000 He's like, my kids are fucking stupid.

02:19:51.000 That's what he said.

02:19:52.000 That's what he said.

02:19:53.000 He said, they're not even going to know.

02:19:55.000 He said, they're not even going to know.

02:19:56.000 I go, what if people come up to him in the mall and they say, hey, your dad was talking about you.

02:20:00.000 It's in the special.

02:20:01.000 He's like, these two idiots.

02:20:03.000 Oh, my God.

02:20:04.000 I would call George on the phone on stage the other day, and everyone's yelling, and they're like, no, I'm George, you're the smart one.

02:20:11.000 Oh, Jesus Christ.

02:20:12.000 Don't, don't, look.

02:20:13.000 I was being honest.

02:20:16.000 I didn't know another way to do stand-up.

02:20:18.000 I get it.

02:20:20.000 You do it one way.

02:20:21.000 It's fine for most of the world.

02:20:23.000 That's the thing.

02:20:24.000 Like, most things are fine for most of the world.

02:20:26.000 It's just a small percentage of people that are just wired all fucked up.

02:20:30.000 Guys, we gotta go.

02:20:32.000 I gotta go soon.

02:20:33.000 10 to 6. Yeah, we gotta go.

02:20:35.000 I think you're gonna see the online community.

02:20:37.000 No, I'm not gonna see anything.

02:20:39.000 Well, I'll forward them to you.

02:20:40.000 I'm not gonna look.

02:20:42.000 I'll block your number.

02:20:42.000 Can you just pull up one hip-hop dancer so we can look at it?

02:20:47.000 No music.

02:20:48.000 Just show her video of someone dancing.

02:20:50.000 Go to Stance Elements.

02:20:50.000 If we're gonna do it, we should breakdance.

02:20:52.000 Go to Stance Elements and watch some of these guys do it.

02:20:55.000 No, no, no.

02:20:56.000 Here's a video.

02:20:57.000 Look up Chet Faker.

02:20:59.000 Oh, fuck.

02:21:00.000 This is great.

02:21:01.000 Yeah, some dance.

02:21:01.000 Look, I'm a real dancer.

02:21:02.000 Dee Glazer.

02:21:03.000 I'm telling you, this is how we'll shoot it.

02:21:05.000 I'm a fan of this girl.

02:21:06.000 Dee Glazer is her name.

02:21:07.000 She's a choreographer.

02:21:08.000 She's got blonde hair.

02:21:09.000 Give her Nelly.

02:21:10.000 Nelly from the loop, and I'm proud.

02:21:12.000 We can't play that.

02:21:13.000 We're going to play the music.

02:21:14.000 Just watch her dance.

02:21:15.000 Okay, let's watch it.

02:21:17.000 And this is what we'll be doing, Joe.

02:21:19.000 And I really think you're going to like...

02:21:20.000 What are you selling this?

02:21:21.000 Look at this.

02:21:22.000 This is Joe.

02:21:23.000 I'm already out.

02:21:23.000 No, Joe.

02:21:24.000 Yeah, right here.

02:21:25.000 What the fuck are you talking about?

02:21:26.000 Who is D. Glazer?

02:21:27.000 She's a Cardinals fan.

02:21:28.000 That's her?

02:21:29.000 Yeah, Country Grammar.

02:21:30.000 First of all, this is us, Joe.

02:21:31.000 Anything that doesn't require you to lose weight, I'm not in.

02:21:34.000 Dude, look at her body.

02:21:35.000 It's in fucking great shape.

02:21:36.000 Dude, this is us doing these moves.

02:21:37.000 Her name is D. Glazer?

02:21:38.000 Her name's D. Glazer.

02:21:39.000 Okay.

02:21:40.000 She's great.

02:21:41.000 She's great.

02:21:42.000 And this will be us.

02:21:43.000 Imagine how much funnier it'll be when you do it, though, because you're fat.

02:21:45.000 Yeah.

02:21:46.000 I'll be...

02:21:49.000 Do you think you can learn to do this?

02:21:51.000 100%.

02:21:51.000 You do?

02:21:52.000 100%.

02:21:52.000 He thinks he can do a fucking split.

02:21:54.000 You remember?

02:21:55.000 That thing?

02:21:55.000 Wait, wait, wait.

02:21:56.000 Can you do this?

02:21:57.000 That's me.

02:21:57.000 Yeah, you can train.

02:21:58.000 Hold on.

02:21:59.000 You think you can do this?

02:22:00.000 I could get my body to move that way if someone taught me and I spent the required amount of time.

02:22:05.000 A month.

02:22:05.000 Maybe not in a month.

02:22:06.000 One month.

02:22:07.000 No, not as good as her.

02:22:08.000 Do you think in one month you could be better than all of us?

02:22:10.000 Oh, I would definitely be better than you.

02:22:12.000 And that's all that counts, right?

02:22:13.000 Oh, Joe, Joe, Joe.

02:22:16.000 Come on, this is me and Tom and you and Ari.

02:22:18.000 We do one all together.

02:22:20.000 He likes the belt, bro.

02:22:22.000 What's it called in the back?

02:22:24.000 Ari, do you think you could learn to do this?

02:22:27.000 Look over here, Bert.

02:22:28.000 It's mine.

02:22:29.000 I'm not getting rid of this.

02:22:31.000 Tell me a challenge that you think is fair for all of us.

02:22:34.000 Everybody should weigh in right now.

02:22:36.000 What do you think it should be?

02:22:37.000 Do you know how embarrassing this is?

02:22:38.000 Because that place like that is right near my apartment.

02:22:41.000 I walk by on the way home from not working out and I look through the window at them doing crazy dances like that.

02:22:47.000 I understand.

02:22:48.000 No matter what this challenge would be, I'm crazy.

02:22:53.000 And I'm going to keep this.

02:22:54.000 I'm going to keep this.

02:22:56.000 This is mine.

02:22:57.000 I like this.

02:22:58.000 I like having it.

02:23:00.000 Look at that.

02:23:01.000 Look over at that.

02:23:02.000 You're never going to get this, Bert.

02:23:03.000 I'm getting it if we do hip-hop dance.

02:23:05.000 No, you think so.

02:23:06.000 Are you in?

02:23:07.000 Okay, can I say this?

02:23:08.000 You didn't get it with the weight loss challenge.

02:23:09.000 I'm in.

02:23:10.000 By the way, Tommy, you should get a weight loss challenge belt.

02:23:12.000 I think we should probably make one.

02:23:13.000 That'd be a great idea.

02:23:14.000 It's a horrible fucking idea.

02:23:15.000 It's a great idea.

02:23:16.000 Um...

02:23:18.000 Get on it.

02:23:18.000 Jamie, let's order it up.

02:23:20.000 We need a weight loss challenge belt for Tommy.

02:23:22.000 No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

02:23:23.000 By the way, brand it tour bus champ too.

02:23:26.000 I want a marathon belt.

02:23:27.000 Okay.

02:23:28.000 You're the only one who tried that.

02:23:32.000 Don't they give you like a button or something when you win a marathon?

02:23:34.000 Or you run it?

02:23:35.000 Can I get a Jew?

02:23:36.000 Yeah, they do.

02:23:37.000 You know why?

02:23:38.000 Because your promoter had one.

02:23:39.000 I saw them when I was in...

02:23:40.000 Oh, shut the fuck up!

02:23:41.000 They give you one of them erasers that go on top of a pencil that nobody ever uses.

02:23:46.000 The triangles?

02:23:47.000 Yeah, the ones...

02:23:48.000 Like as if pencils are so crazy and you use up that eraser.

02:23:54.000 Boy, you need an external eraser.

02:23:55.000 Oh, shut up.

02:23:55.000 Get Cam Haynes on the phone.

02:23:57.000 Call Cam Haynes right now.

02:23:58.000 He'll tell you how it's superior.

02:23:59.000 Now listen, what about...

02:24:01.000 What about this?

02:24:02.000 Hold on.

02:24:02.000 God damn it, I had the fucking greatest idea.

02:24:03.000 What did he say?

02:24:04.000 He had the greatest idea.

02:24:05.000 Hold on.

02:24:05.000 You break in when you remember it.

02:24:06.000 If we do it, the hip-hop challenge, we need...

02:24:09.000 No one's going to be there to cheer anybody and queer the judges.

02:24:13.000 It has to be just us.

02:24:14.000 You can film it if you want.

02:24:16.000 Yeah, you can't queer.

02:24:17.000 Can't queer the judges.

02:24:18.000 Are you allowed to say that anymore?

02:24:19.000 Yeah, I think that's the proper language.

02:24:21.000 I don't know.

02:24:22.000 Well, it's in the...

02:24:23.000 That's my friend Miriam Nakamoto's snacks.

02:24:27.000 Snackamoto snacks.

02:24:28.000 So just us, and then get actual judges who don't know us to decide.

02:24:32.000 Yeah.

02:24:33.000 You have to really make a real place.

02:24:35.000 I think three people are into it, Joe.

02:24:36.000 I think you just got to say, give us an alternative.

02:24:39.000 Give us an alternative.

02:24:40.000 Let's come up with something where we don't need judges.

02:24:42.000 I don't want to bring judges in.

02:24:44.000 Because then we have other people.

02:24:46.000 Then it's going to get gross.

02:24:47.000 What do you mean?

02:24:48.000 It's a bad idea to bring in judges.

02:24:50.000 Any judges.

02:24:51.000 Because it just hands the power over to this group of people.

02:24:54.000 Yeah, other people in our organization, too.

02:24:55.000 I don't want to even talk to other people.

02:24:57.000 Okay, that makes sense.

02:24:59.000 I'm trying to cut people out of my life.

02:25:00.000 I'm not trying to add two hip-hop dance judges.

02:25:03.000 I don't have the time.

02:25:06.000 I like Ari's idea.

02:25:07.000 I like Ari's idea, no social media for a year, except I have an empire to run.

02:25:12.000 I know.

02:25:13.000 You can run it.

02:25:13.000 Just go, Jamie, post it.

02:25:15.000 We have a new video.

02:25:15.000 Post it.

02:25:16.000 I don't trust it.

02:25:17.000 No, you'd have to give your password to an assistant.

02:25:20.000 Look at him over there.

02:25:20.000 He's sneaky.

02:25:21.000 He's sneaky.

02:25:23.000 He'd check my DMs.

02:25:24.000 Why don't we each fuck Jamie and see he judges who's the best?

02:25:27.000 I'll see you at the elevators.

02:25:28.000 See all them dick pics coming my way.

02:25:30.000 Yeah, the judges is a real thing.

02:25:32.000 You're right.

02:25:32.000 Judges is a real thing, but I think we're in the right direction with hip-hop dance.

02:25:36.000 Why?

02:25:37.000 Because it's your invention?

02:25:38.000 No, no, no.

02:25:38.000 I just think it's something silly.

02:25:40.000 None of us are good at it.

02:25:41.000 If you lose again, there should be a real penalty for you.

02:25:45.000 Yeah, what's the real penalty?

02:25:46.000 It'd be a real repercussion for you.

02:25:48.000 Yeah, you'd put us into this in the first place.

02:25:50.000 I don't like Joe and Tom.

02:25:51.000 But you're the worst.

02:25:53.000 This is a good one.

02:25:54.000 If you come in last, you give us, spread it out collectively, a million dollars.

02:26:01.000 That seems fair.

02:26:04.000 Yeah.

02:26:07.000 You're doing better now.

02:26:08.000 You're a tour bus champ.

02:26:09.000 Yeah.

02:26:09.000 You are a tour bus champ.

02:26:11.000 You have to think about that.

02:26:11.000 Dude, just sign up for it.

02:26:12.000 You're not going to lose if those are the stakes.

02:26:14.000 What is the competition?

02:26:16.000 Wait, hold on.

02:26:16.000 Hold on one second.

02:26:17.000 Just let's talk.

02:26:19.000 Being a tour bus champ comes at a price.

02:26:22.000 Dude, my bus was so fucking sick.

02:26:24.000 You can't just be Tour Bus Champ.

02:26:26.000 I was Tour Bus Champ.

02:26:29.000 Listen to him.

02:26:30.000 But Bert, do you understand that this is strange?

02:26:32.000 That you keep failing at these things, and yet you keep bragging every time we get together and contemplate a challenge.

02:26:38.000 I've had so much success when it comes to you guys that I think sometimes you guys forget about it.

02:26:42.000 What?

02:26:42.000 I was tour bus champ.

02:26:43.000 You're not.

02:26:44.000 That doesn't mean anything.

02:26:45.000 Admit I was tour bus champ.

02:26:46.000 That doesn't mean anything.

02:26:47.000 Admit it.

02:26:48.000 Just admit it.

02:26:48.000 You know you've admitted me privately.

02:26:49.000 Is Willie Nelson alive?

02:26:51.000 Then you're not the tour bus champ.

02:26:53.000 The bus that I was on this week is better than any bus.

02:26:56.000 That's not when the tour bus championship was going on.

02:26:57.000 What do you mean?

02:27:00.000 Who's tour bus champ?

02:27:01.000 Let's say why.

02:27:02.000 It's me, of course.

02:27:03.000 How come?

02:27:04.000 Because I have the better bus.

02:27:05.000 Did you ever take a picture of your bus and put it online?

02:27:07.000 Yeah.

02:27:07.000 Oh, really?

02:27:08.000 Yeah, and you had it fucking photoshopped a hundred times.

02:27:11.000 No.

02:27:12.000 That was my bus.

02:27:12.000 The outside of your bus doesn't count, Tom.

02:27:15.000 The inside of your bus that looked like a prison yard.

02:27:17.000 It just looked like a prison yard.

02:27:19.000 Did it not have a broken transmission?

02:27:21.000 No internet?

02:27:22.000 TVs that didn't work?

02:27:23.000 You had no internet on your tour bus?

02:27:24.000 He had no fucking internet on his tour bus!

02:27:26.000 I want you to pause for a second and imagine a world where the thing that you're bragging about when you've been called out for failing two challenges in a row, hard as fuck, that the first thing you're talking about is the shape of the bus that you drive around in.

02:27:44.000 I didn't start Tour Bus Champ.

02:27:45.000 He started Tour Bus Champ.

02:27:46.000 How much is prepared?

02:27:48.000 Was the transmission bad?

02:27:49.000 Well, then I win.

02:27:52.000 Yeah, good point.

02:27:53.000 Did you get a flat tire?

02:27:55.000 Well then I'm the champion!

02:27:58.000 I'm Leonardo DiCaprio at the front of the fucking Titanic!

02:28:02.000 We had a challenge, you came in last.

02:28:05.000 You're deflecting.

02:28:06.000 What are the repercussions for you fucking pussing out?

02:28:10.000 Well, I'm not pussing out.

02:28:11.000 Stop with the fucking...

02:28:12.000 One of the reasons why I have this right here is because I read about you saying that you were going to put it on your mantelpiece.

02:28:19.000 And I'm like, that's never going to happen.

02:28:20.000 Yeah, your Mickey mantelpiece.

02:28:22.000 Joe, can you entertain a circumstance in which you think Burt could beat you?

02:28:30.000 Make a game.

02:28:31.000 Like the old hustler.

02:28:32.000 Make an even game.

02:28:33.000 Where it could be anybody's at this point.

02:28:35.000 Like a pool game?

02:28:36.000 Is that what you're saying?

02:28:36.000 No, no, no.

02:28:37.000 We're not playing pool.

02:28:38.000 I'm never going to beat you a pool.

02:28:40.000 I'd have to have some form of lymphoma or something.

02:28:45.000 There's something really wrong with me.

02:28:47.000 A physical thing?

02:28:49.000 But he moves so well.

02:28:50.000 You move like the wind.

02:28:53.000 It is something.

02:28:54.000 I've seen you move.

02:28:55.000 It's like that Christopher Cross song.

02:28:58.000 Terry Shivo couldn't move better than you.

02:29:00.000 You really can move, man.

02:29:03.000 Bert, there was days where I was like, man, I'm tired.

02:29:06.000 Then I thought about you.

02:29:08.000 This is my middle!

02:29:10.000 Ari's standing now.

02:29:11.000 You took your socks off.

02:29:13.000 You fucking pissed.

02:29:14.000 We're on mushrooms.

02:29:14.000 We took mushrooms.

02:29:15.000 Didn't you forget?

02:29:16.000 That's right, I forgot.

02:29:17.000 He and I are both on...

02:29:19.000 I gotta go, man.

02:29:20.000 That feels good.

02:29:21.000 That's a good amount of mushrooms.

02:29:21.000 What are we doing?

02:29:22.000 We don't have an agreement yet.

02:29:23.000 We should.

02:29:24.000 And also, you do need some repercussions for fucking blowing it back.

02:29:26.000 Hold on.

02:29:28.000 Let's not forget I'm the only one that ran a marathon.

02:29:30.000 That wasn't part of that month.

02:29:31.000 We didn't ask you to.

02:29:33.000 But it doesn't seem like you are willing to face reality.

02:29:36.000 Tell me what reality is, I'll face it.

02:29:38.000 Well, reality is Ari Shafir didn't work out at all.

02:29:41.000 And even though you did run a marathon, Ari Shafir didn't work out at all!

02:29:47.000 Yeah, I beat you.

02:29:47.000 For a decade!

02:29:49.000 I agree with you.

02:29:51.000 For a decade!

02:29:51.000 He smoked you like a fucking fine cigar.

02:29:55.000 Why are you suggesting anything in life?

02:29:57.000 And not just like...

02:29:57.000 How are you talking shit to Ari when Ari didn't work out for 10 years?

02:30:03.000 I'm the only one that came in with a challenge other than get off our fucking phone.

02:30:06.000 He's got ripped.

02:30:08.000 What the fuck are you?

02:30:09.000 What did you sit down for?

02:30:11.000 He had a six pack.

02:30:11.000 Did you ever see the video of him on my fucking rowing machine?

02:30:13.000 No, I saw it.

02:30:14.000 You guys teamed up against me.

02:30:15.000 I get it.

02:30:15.000 Here's the deal.

02:30:16.000 We teamed up against you.

02:30:17.000 He's my competitor.

02:30:19.000 He's my second place guy.

02:30:20.000 I let him use my gym.

02:30:21.000 How?

02:30:23.000 How do we team up?

02:30:24.000 I literally...

02:30:25.000 He's my competitor.

02:30:27.000 He was gone.

02:30:28.000 He was my closest competitor.

02:30:29.000 I took the day off.

02:30:31.000 That's true.

02:30:31.000 I did.

02:30:32.000 I took the day off.

02:30:34.000 Listen, I've said ad nauseum.

02:30:36.000 I can't believe we're covering this.

02:30:37.000 I've said ad nauseum.

02:30:40.000 Tugging on Joe's tiger's tail is a big mistake.

02:30:42.000 Ari was massively surprising and Tom was a fair, fair competitor.

02:30:45.000 Now, I will say, I am just giving up ideas of what to do next October.

02:30:50.000 We do need ideas.

02:30:51.000 And I believe that Ari's idea was, I think, us not doing something is not fun to follow if you are a fan of the podcast.

02:31:00.000 Us not doing it, like, hey guys, let's sleep, wouldn't be really fun.

02:31:04.000 It would be how many hours of hip-hop dancing we put in.

02:31:07.000 There we go, now we're talking about something.

02:31:10.000 Why hip-hop dancing, not klezmer?

02:31:12.000 What?

02:31:13.000 Name it.

02:31:14.000 You guys want to do Riverdance?

02:31:16.000 Riverdance.

02:31:16.000 Fuck no.

02:31:17.000 Let's do some dance that sucked when it was invented.

02:31:19.000 I don't want to do dancing.

02:31:20.000 It's just hitting me right now.

02:31:21.000 I'm fast-forwarding to fucking Tennessee.

02:31:24.000 Say another idea.

02:31:26.000 Say another idea.

02:31:28.000 Say another idea.

02:31:29.000 I'm in.

02:31:30.000 But I liked what we did with Hot Yoga.

02:31:33.000 The easiest thing to do is something that you don't need a lot to take with you.

02:31:38.000 You know what I mean?

02:31:39.000 Running's not bad.

02:31:41.000 I like running a lot.

02:31:42.000 I do like running, but I don't want to be the one sitting here promoting running.

02:31:45.000 I'm trying to think out of the box.

02:31:46.000 Running is a great idea.

02:31:47.000 It really is a great idea.

02:31:48.000 The only thing that's great about running is that if we did do it for the whole total miles of the month, it would get savage.

02:31:57.000 It would be problematic.

02:31:57.000 Could you do?

02:31:58.000 We'll get hurt.

02:31:59.000 People will get hurt.

02:32:00.000 What?

02:32:01.000 Bert and I will seriously lose like 40 pounds.

02:32:03.000 My knees are going to be gone afterwards.

02:32:05.000 I'm only running on cement.

02:32:07.000 What's his name?

02:32:07.000 What's the guys that you just had?

02:32:08.000 Eddie Izzard.

02:32:09.000 Eddie Izzard.

02:32:09.000 Could you do a marathon a day, Joe?

02:32:11.000 Well, I think it's physically possible to do a marathon a day.

02:32:14.000 I know you could...

02:32:16.000 Well, it would be way easier for me than for you.

02:32:18.000 Yeah, much easier.

02:32:19.000 Once again, I'm too drunk to even talk shit anymore.

02:32:23.000 By the way, when he said that, you looked at me like you're like, I'm going to do that.

02:32:27.000 Listen...

02:32:28.000 Are you going to do a marathon a day?

02:32:29.000 It's not...

02:32:33.000 It's not healthy for you to keep living in this world that you've created.

02:32:36.000 It doesn't even make sense.

02:32:38.000 What are you talking about?

02:32:38.000 My drinking?

02:32:39.000 No, no, that's normal.

02:32:40.000 The drinking along with this proclamation of awesomeness.

02:32:48.000 You know what I'm saying?

02:32:49.000 It's not the drinking.

02:32:51.000 The drinking's fun.

02:32:52.000 It's fun.

02:32:53.000 You're a fun guy.

02:32:54.000 Let's do running.

02:32:56.000 But the thing is, you need to be punished if you lose.

02:32:59.000 Yeah!

02:33:01.000 It just doesn't make sense.

02:33:04.000 We got way more.

02:33:05.000 There's a whole table full of whiskey over there.

02:33:08.000 And then we got gas monkeys tequila here too.

02:33:10.000 Let's do running then.

02:33:11.000 If everyone agrees on running, I'm in on running.

02:33:14.000 It's going to get ugly, guys.

02:33:15.000 Running is going to get ugly.

02:33:17.000 I'm going to do a marathon a day for sure.

02:33:18.000 What are we going to wear to track our, so that everybody has the same thing, to track their miles?

02:33:21.000 The Rock's got the shoe.

02:33:22.000 Well, you could wear the rock shoe or you could just get an Apple watch.

02:33:25.000 No, no, no.

02:33:26.000 That way we could use our watch only for phone calls and then talk and do it if you ever send text messages and that'll do Ari's challenge at the same time.

02:33:35.000 Are we doing this?

02:33:36.000 So it'll eliminate our need for social media for the month.

02:33:39.000 So wait, hold on.

02:33:40.000 We're running on an iPhone.

02:33:41.000 We'll do as many miles as we can for the month.

02:33:45.000 The whole thing would be how many miles can you run in a month?

02:33:49.000 I'm going to tell you, I'm going to open up the first day with 30. 30?

02:33:52.000 30 miles.

02:33:53.000 Day one?

02:33:53.000 I'm going to open that up.

02:33:55.000 Yeah.

02:33:55.000 Hold on, now.

02:33:56.000 Are we talking...

02:33:57.000 30 miles in a day.

02:33:58.000 In a day.

02:33:59.000 I'm going to do 30 miles a day.

02:34:01.000 Here's the thing.

02:34:02.000 Earlier this was mentioned, though.

02:34:04.000 That part I believe.

02:34:05.000 I do believe that.

02:34:06.000 I believe that.

02:34:06.000 Here's what I want to know.

02:34:07.000 This makes a huge difference.

02:34:10.000 Yeah.

02:34:10.000 Because if we're tracking those miles...

02:34:12.000 We all have to track the miles with the same app.

02:34:15.000 Wait, wait.

02:34:15.000 Say it again, Joe.

02:34:16.000 What?

02:34:17.000 30 miles.

02:34:18.000 We have to track them out with the same app.

02:34:20.000 No growth hormone for any of us.

02:34:22.000 You have to agree no growth hormone, no testosterone.

02:34:24.000 You have to agree.

02:34:25.000 I agree.

02:34:26.000 No growth hormone, no testosterone.

02:34:27.000 Wait, wait, wait.

02:34:28.000 You should all get on growth hormone.

02:34:29.000 Let's all get on growth.

02:34:31.000 Actually, you should all get on testosterone.

02:34:32.000 But you should get off high blood pressure medication before you get on anything.

02:34:35.000 You should kill yourself first.

02:34:37.000 And then figure out the rest.

02:34:39.000 You really shouldn't be as large as you are.

02:34:43.000 Hold on.

02:34:44.000 You got all the way down to like 212 or something like that.

02:34:46.000 What did you weigh?

02:34:47.000 I have impulse problems.

02:34:48.000 What did you guys weigh at the beginning of that first year challenge?

02:34:50.000 What did you get up to on this tour?

02:34:52.000 Tom, you're such a cunt.

02:34:54.000 No, I'm asking!

02:34:55.000 I tell you a secret.

02:34:56.000 It's not a secret.

02:34:57.000 What are you talking about?

02:34:58.000 It's not a secret.

02:34:59.000 Don't act like I'm Devolt tossing a picture and showed it.

02:35:01.000 It was such a fucking disgusting picture of Bert.

02:35:03.000 And Bert goes, it was a shellfish reaction in Denmark.

02:35:07.000 Shellfish reaction in Denmark.

02:35:08.000 That's hilarious.

02:35:09.000 Hold on.

02:35:10.000 Okay, wait, wait.

02:35:11.000 Here's the way.

02:35:11.000 Now, this is important for the challenge.

02:35:13.000 I think we all have to track the miles the same way.

02:35:16.000 Is there going to be a stipulation that these miles can only be tracked outdoors on pavement?

02:35:23.000 Yes, because if you're on a treadmill, if it's GPS, the treadmill's not going to show anything on GPS. It has to be movement.

02:35:30.000 It has to be actually physical movement.

02:35:32.000 Is there a speed we're talking about?

02:35:33.000 Nope.

02:35:33.000 No, we can't do it.

02:35:34.000 Just distance.

02:35:35.000 I was going to ask run versus walk.

02:35:36.000 There's a nap I saw recently that tracks walking.

02:35:39.000 You know, it takes a lot longer to walk a mile than to run a mile.

02:35:42.000 Yeah, but you can walk all day.

02:35:43.000 That's fun.

02:35:45.000 Because, you know, if you're tired and you're running and you want to walk for a mile, that's fine.

02:35:49.000 You remember the Silver Lake Walker?

02:35:51.000 All distance.

02:35:52.000 You remember that guy?

02:35:54.000 Silver Lake Walker.

02:35:55.000 This dude looked like a fucking lizard.

02:35:56.000 You just walk around Sober Lake?

02:35:58.000 Dude, he would walk.

02:35:59.000 I'm not kidding you.

02:36:01.000 From like 6am and you would see him at 8pm.

02:36:05.000 Was he schizophrenic?

02:36:06.000 He was a doctor.

02:36:08.000 Yes, there was like a little scandal where he died in this hot tub.

02:36:12.000 You would see this guy.

02:36:13.000 He died in a hot tub?

02:36:14.000 Yes, somewhere.

02:36:15.000 There he is.

02:36:15.000 That was the guy?

02:36:16.000 That's him.

02:36:16.000 Oh, wow.

02:36:17.000 So he would just walk around trying to sling dick?

02:36:19.000 I don't know what...

02:36:19.000 He looks like a guy who slings dick.

02:36:20.000 And he would hold the newspaper.

02:36:21.000 I used to see this dude everywhere.

02:36:22.000 Oh, and he walked around like that?

02:36:24.000 Yes, all day.

02:36:24.000 He killed himself, it said.

02:36:26.000 And he would read.

02:36:26.000 Oh, I like it.

02:36:27.000 Did it say that?

02:36:28.000 It said...

02:36:29.000 Click on that lower picture again.

02:36:31.000 It said he killed himself.

02:36:32.000 Look at that.

02:36:32.000 Killed himself.

02:36:33.000 Yeah.

02:36:34.000 Oh, my God.

02:36:35.000 That's...

02:36:37.000 Killed himself, LA coroner concludes.

02:36:39.000 But that wasn't initially the report about that.

02:36:46.000 That it was a mystery how this guy had died.

02:36:49.000 Mystery solved.

02:36:50.000 It's in the newspaper.

02:36:51.000 Yeah, I guess.

02:36:52.000 That's the funny thing about rumors.

02:36:55.000 Yeah.

02:36:55.000 Can I tell you this?

02:37:00.000 I was late on the stand.

02:37:04.000 Yeah, they're pretty.

02:37:05.000 He has his toenails painted.

02:37:07.000 They're all pretty.

02:37:08.000 It's really beautiful.

02:37:10.000 I'll take a picture of it.

02:37:11.000 Kathleen Madigan?

02:37:13.000 No.

02:37:14.000 McGee.

02:37:16.000 Yeah, in Calgary.

02:37:17.000 Can I just tell you this?

02:37:18.000 I was late for the stand.

02:37:19.000 This was about a year ago when the stand was still open.

02:37:21.000 And I was like, fuck, and I started running.

02:37:23.000 I was at second...

02:37:24.000 I was at 16th Street and 2nd Avenue.

02:37:27.000 I started running and eventually I was out of steam.

02:37:29.000 I had to stop.

02:37:30.000 And when I stopped, I was at 16th Street, not yet to 3rd Avenue.

02:37:35.000 So I tire out under a block.

02:37:40.000 I'm not enjoying the idea of going into this and just starting to run a fucking show.

02:37:44.000 You know how last year you got into a fucking zone?

02:37:48.000 You got into a zone.

02:37:49.000 You have a runner's body, dude.

02:37:51.000 He thought he was going to win at one point.

02:37:52.000 You have a runner's body.

02:37:53.000 There was a moment somewhere around week one.

02:37:56.000 When you said I got to go hunting, I'm offline for a second.

02:37:58.000 I was like, oh, I'm close.

02:38:00.000 Yeah, I had to go hunting for, but I shot an elk on the second day.

02:38:04.000 That's right, so you came back.

02:38:05.000 Would we have been a little more, like, you think it would have been a little easier on us if you had hunted for five days?

02:38:12.000 Yeah, but I was wearing my thing.

02:38:14.000 So I was hiking.

02:38:15.000 I got 600 points one day.

02:38:16.000 Oh, you did?

02:38:17.000 He was working out hiking.

02:38:18.000 Yeah.

02:38:18.000 No, no, I know.

02:38:19.000 When you're hiking, man, your heart rate gets jacked the fuck up.

02:38:22.000 When you came back from hunting, you did more than that, is what I'm saying.

02:38:25.000 I went crazy when you came back.

02:38:26.000 Guys, can you just put yourself a thousand in a day on one day?

02:38:30.000 It's going to happen.

02:38:30.000 One day, I did 900, and then I came in here and worked out for another hour after I was done.

02:38:36.000 So I did...

02:38:37.000 I was hurting that last day.

02:38:39.000 Can you guys try to remember?

02:38:40.000 Okay, October 18th.

02:38:42.000 You're going to wake up, and you go, fuck, I have to just run a bunch now.

02:38:47.000 Oh, and Christina's like, let's hang out and make omelets.

02:38:50.000 I know, I know, dude.

02:38:51.000 Yeah, it's not going to be easy.

02:38:53.000 No, it's a bad month.

02:38:53.000 It's a bad month.

02:38:54.000 And you're all going to die.

02:38:55.000 I'm cool with it.

02:38:56.000 There's that, too.

02:38:57.000 Bert, what place do you think you'll come in?

02:38:59.000 Probably for a second.

02:39:00.000 For a second.

02:39:01.000 First or second?

02:39:02.000 Yeah, one or the other.

02:39:02.000 I mean, probably first, but maybe second if something spectacular happens with Joe.

02:39:06.000 That seems outrageous.

02:39:07.000 I'm going to be getting on growth, right?

02:39:08.000 So we all do growth.

02:39:09.000 How about this?

02:39:10.000 Right now, I would love to do growth.

02:39:12.000 I should definitely do that, but before you do that, you should definitely lose some weight.

02:39:16.000 You shouldn't just get on stuff.

02:39:18.000 You should stop drinking so much.

02:39:20.000 You know what that's going to be easy to do?

02:39:23.000 Australia.

02:39:24.000 You're not going to drink at all.

02:39:28.000 When you're over there, you definitely won't drink.

02:39:30.000 I mean, they don't even like drinking in Australia.

02:39:32.000 They'll set a good example.

02:39:33.000 Dog cunt!

02:39:35.000 They don't accept you're not drinking.

02:39:38.000 Those people go hard over there.

02:39:39.000 Maybe you're not doing this fucking cut-up coke we're doing tonight, but you're for sure drinking.

02:39:43.000 Yeah, you're going to have to do shoeys over there.

02:39:45.000 You're going to have to drink beer out of shoes.

02:39:46.000 Do you ever see me do the shoey on TV? I don't even want to know you did that.

02:39:49.000 Just pull up burnt shoey.

02:39:50.000 It's a beautiful picture.

02:39:52.000 Oh, you've seen it.

02:39:54.000 I like running.

02:39:56.000 I'm cool with it.

02:39:58.000 And I'm cool with no social media.

02:40:00.000 You're letting him talk into his own thing again.

02:40:03.000 By the way, I'm the only one that came up with an idea that was fun.

02:40:06.000 I jumped on board with it, man.

02:40:07.000 I think it's a good idea.

02:40:09.000 I told you I like it.

02:40:10.000 Terrible idea.

02:40:10.000 I like it.

02:40:11.000 I like the hip-hop idea.

02:40:12.000 I do like it in terms of none of us have any experience with that.

02:40:15.000 That's the fun part with it.

02:40:17.000 That's great.

02:40:17.000 The judging part is a true problem.

02:40:19.000 It's a real problem.

02:40:21.000 It's an untenable issue.

02:40:23.000 You're going to bring in these people and you're going to go, The reason why I thought Burt won...

02:40:27.000 Get the fuck out of here.

02:40:28.000 You're right about that.

02:40:29.000 Get the fuck out of here.

02:40:32.000 Bert came from a different starting point, so I gave him extra points for that.

02:40:35.000 Fuck you, Bert.

02:40:38.000 Fuck you.

02:40:39.000 You can't win like that.

02:40:41.000 If you're going to win, it's going to be, you have to win.

02:40:43.000 And that's what you're scared of.

02:40:44.000 You're scared of actually having to win something.

02:40:45.000 If we do the straight up running thing, Bert wins for sure.

02:40:49.000 Sure.

02:40:50.000 Definitely.

02:40:51.000 Definitely.

02:40:52.000 100%.

02:40:52.000 I love that you have a direct line into my brain where you can see what gets my heart rate.

02:40:58.000 I can see anxiety forming.

02:41:00.000 I can see it forming in the air above you.

02:41:02.000 Here's the order if we do the running thing.

02:41:04.000 Go ahead.

02:41:04.000 You get first.

02:41:05.000 Okay.

02:41:06.000 Your promoter gets second.

02:41:07.000 What's his name again?

02:41:08.000 Joe gets third.

02:41:09.000 What's the promoter's name again?

02:41:11.000 Fuck.

02:41:12.000 What's his name?

02:41:12.000 The one guy.

02:41:13.000 The only you.

02:41:14.000 The only...

02:41:15.000 I came in here today thinking I was going to tell you guys I'm out.

02:41:18.000 Really?

02:41:20.000 It's too much fun.

02:41:20.000 You're doing it.

02:41:21.000 You're doing it.

02:41:22.000 Shut up.

02:41:23.000 You're totally doing it.

02:41:23.000 Alright, we did mushrooms.

02:41:24.000 You can't go.

02:41:25.000 You are doing it.

02:41:26.000 You guys doing mushrooms for the show might have been the fucking best way to start this show.

02:41:30.000 Feels good.

02:41:32.000 I'm going to have to do that November 1st.

02:41:34.000 My whole body's tingly.

02:41:35.000 It's like a nice mushroom high.

02:41:37.000 It makes you realize what you really like about mushrooms.

02:41:40.000 I got November 3rd off.

02:41:41.000 Are we going to do a gig together, the four of us?

02:41:44.000 Yes.

02:41:44.000 I can't with you.

02:41:45.000 What the fuck, bro?

02:41:46.000 I won't be here.

02:41:46.000 Where are you going to be?

02:41:47.000 What the fuck, bro?

02:41:48.000 I fly back in November, November 4th, and I'm in New York all week.

02:41:52.000 You know what we should do?

02:41:52.000 You're what?

02:41:53.000 Let's go to New York all week.

02:41:55.000 That's two people down.

02:41:57.000 Okay.

02:41:58.000 Ari, are you still doing winters out here?

02:42:00.000 Are you still doing the winter?

02:42:01.000 I could do a New York show.

02:42:02.000 I could do a New York show.

02:42:03.000 Let's do a New York show.

02:42:04.000 New York show.

02:42:05.000 I know a venue.

02:42:07.000 What?

02:42:08.000 You know a venue in New York?

02:42:10.000 You can find us a venue in New York.

02:42:11.000 Can you suggest a place?

02:42:14.000 Jesus Christ.

02:42:15.000 So Ari, you're not coming out this way at all?

02:42:18.000 No, I... Yeah, I come as...

02:42:20.000 You know what would be fun?

02:42:21.000 If we decide, like the four of us decided to do a destination.

02:42:24.000 Yeah.

02:42:25.000 Like...

02:42:27.000 Some crazy desert.

02:42:28.000 I was just thinking Vegas, but that's not really a destination.

02:42:31.000 No, like Saskatoon.

02:42:32.000 You know what we should do?

02:42:33.000 We should do some shit that you don't normally hit on a tour, like somewhere in Wyoming.

02:42:38.000 You know what I mean?

02:42:38.000 Or Idaho.

02:42:39.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

02:42:40.000 I do Boise.

02:42:41.000 I do Boise.

02:42:41.000 I love Boise.

02:42:42.000 I love Boise.

02:42:43.000 Boise is amazing.

02:42:45.000 Maybe we could do something in like...

02:42:48.000 I saw a guy in Boise break his ankle.

02:42:50.000 Yeah!

02:42:50.000 Mexico, or New Mexico.

02:42:52.000 No, not Mexico, Mexico, bro.

02:42:53.000 New Mexico.

02:42:54.000 I had Ed Calderon on the podcast the other day.

02:42:57.000 That's where I got this.

02:42:58.000 Oh, yeah, he's super Mexican.

02:42:59.000 He was one of the Border Patrol guys.

02:43:01.000 He was describing the whole cartel wars and how it all went down.

02:43:06.000 And it all was happening right when he signed up to be a cop, and he basically became a paramilitary operator.

02:43:12.000 Like, Jesus, just trying to fucking deal with shit that was going down the border.

02:43:16.000 Don't try to take that.

02:43:17.000 I'm trying to space it out so it doesn't crumple up.

02:43:19.000 Trying to get your greedy hands on this.

02:43:21.000 What about Montana?

02:43:22.000 I know what it is.

02:43:22.000 Montana's cool.

02:43:23.000 Are we talking about a destination just for us to hang out for the weekend?

02:43:26.000 To do a show.

02:43:26.000 We'll do a show and hang out.

02:43:28.000 Wait, are we saying November?

02:43:29.000 A November date.

02:43:30.000 November 3rd.

02:43:31.000 We can do a November in Montana.

02:43:32.000 It's cold as fuck.

02:43:34.000 There's no reason to go there in November.

02:43:35.000 It's alright.

02:43:36.000 Unless you like skiing.

02:43:38.000 Well, that's what people go there for.

02:43:39.000 Yeah.

02:43:39.000 November's the season already?

02:43:40.000 Sure.

02:43:41.000 Oh, yeah.

02:43:41.000 For sure.

02:43:41.000 We just meet Tommy in New York.

02:43:43.000 Dude, it's snowing.

02:43:44.000 Hey, it's snowing in Big Sky Saturday.

02:43:47.000 You're going to be there anyway.

02:43:48.000 It's Saturday.

02:43:49.000 It's snowing in Big Sky.

02:43:50.000 He's going to be there that weekend anyway.

02:43:51.000 In November?

02:43:52.000 New York?

02:43:52.000 Yeah.

02:43:53.000 I'm going to be in New York.

02:43:53.000 And I got November 3rd off as my only weekend off from stand-up all fall.

02:43:57.000 Great.

02:43:58.000 Right after that weekend, you come back.

02:43:59.000 We'll hang out in New York.

02:44:00.000 And by the way, we could just do a comedy clip, too.

02:44:02.000 Who gives a fuck?

02:44:03.000 Yeah, that might be really fun, man.

02:44:05.000 We could charge so much.

02:44:07.000 We could charge a normal amount of bird charges, usually.

02:44:09.000 I'm all in a fucking ring in the cash.

02:44:14.000 Listen, I know a venue of my promoter.

02:44:18.000 I've never charged anything to shake my hand.

02:44:20.000 You don't do that anymore?

02:44:21.000 I've never charged for a meet and greet in my entire life.

02:44:23.000 That's fair.

02:44:24.000 I've never once.

02:44:25.000 I do a raffle.

02:44:26.000 I know.

02:44:27.000 I'm mocking people that do that.

02:44:29.000 It's gross.

02:44:29.000 I think it's gross, too.

02:44:31.000 But you know what?

02:44:31.000 Teach his own, I guess.

02:44:32.000 I have friends that do it.

02:44:33.000 I get it.

02:44:35.000 Are we agreeing on running?

02:44:38.000 Is that really going to be it?

02:44:39.000 Jesus Christ.

02:44:39.000 This is what we did last time.

02:44:40.000 We got down to the wire last time.

02:44:42.000 What we have time now is we don't have to agree to something dumb just because it's like, oh, fucking time is running out of the podcast.

02:44:47.000 That's how I like it.

02:44:48.000 Running, hip-hop dancing, and obviously my idea of you guys are for sure fighting.

02:44:52.000 I like it when it gets weird like that.

02:44:55.000 Let's ruminate.

02:44:56.000 I'm going to leave this right here for every show I do from now on.

02:44:58.000 I like it.

02:44:59.000 Look, it's so pretty.

02:45:00.000 Bert?

02:45:01.000 Huh?

02:45:01.000 What did you do running?

02:45:02.000 He got hypnotized by the belt!

02:45:03.000 He did.

02:45:04.000 You see that?

02:45:04.000 It's like Gollum in the frame.

02:45:05.000 It's a beautiful belt.

02:45:05.000 He wants it.

02:45:06.000 Who made that show so fucking bad?

02:45:08.000 Who made that?

02:45:09.000 Who made that, Joe?

02:45:10.000 What is the company that made it?

02:45:11.000 Pro-Am Belts.

02:45:12.000 Pro-Am Belts.

02:45:13.000 They did a great job.

02:45:14.000 Can you add an add-on that shows a bunch of pills on the side?

02:45:18.000 Because you just have no weed, no booze.

02:45:20.000 That's all there is in the world.

02:45:21.000 I think they just try to keep it clean.

02:45:21.000 Keep it clean.

02:45:22.000 It looks nice.

02:45:23.000 It looks nice.

02:45:23.000 It's a clean belt.

02:45:24.000 You're going to have it, bro.

02:45:25.000 You're going to have it November 1st.

02:45:27.000 For sure.

02:45:28.000 Listen, I'm well aware of the training that needs to go into this if we do running.

02:45:32.000 I personally think something sillier would benefit us, but I'm cool with whatever you guys pick.

02:45:37.000 Yeah, because you're happy coming in last with no consequences.

02:45:40.000 Learn how to board.

02:45:41.000 Are you saying you'll win either way no matter what it is?

02:45:44.000 He just comes in last and it doesn't matter.

02:45:46.000 That's the thing.

02:45:47.000 He talks all this shit.

02:45:48.000 He riles you up.

02:45:49.000 And I'm saying this as a guy who won.

02:45:51.000 It's not right.

02:45:54.000 Wait, how about the million dollar payout?

02:45:57.000 Are you going to do the million dollar payout?

02:45:59.000 It's not right.

02:46:02.000 What you do is not right.

02:46:04.000 It's not right.

02:46:05.000 It's like fake bragging.

02:46:06.000 Bullshit.

02:46:07.000 I believe in my own fucking abilities.

02:46:08.000 That's the truth.

02:46:09.000 That's horrific.

02:46:10.000 That's the most horrific thing you've said.

02:46:13.000 In my own abilities, I believe in myself.

02:46:16.000 If Las Vegas will open the action on this this year, which we might be able to get them to do, I know I'm betting on you.

02:46:24.000 Be honest.

02:46:25.000 You bet on him to win a running challenge?

02:46:26.000 He does run every day.

02:46:27.000 He runs.

02:46:28.000 I ran today.

02:46:29.000 Seven miles.

02:46:30.000 You ran seven miles?

02:46:31.000 Four, three, seven.

02:46:33.000 Jesus Christ.

02:46:36.000 On that fucking bullshit fucking running machine you gave me.

02:46:39.000 That thing's awesome, right?

02:46:41.000 God, it's so hard.

02:46:42.000 The air runner?

02:46:42.000 The air runner's a salt runner.

02:46:44.000 I used to hate it, now I like it.

02:46:45.000 The good thing is that's going to get you in shape for the real running that you have to do when you come in last.

02:46:49.000 Oh, man.

02:46:50.000 Because that is harder than actually running.

02:46:51.000 Wait, wait, wait, wait.

02:46:52.000 Those things are harder than running.

02:46:53.000 It's like 15% or 13% of it.

02:46:54.000 How do you think he'll do?

02:46:56.000 He'll come in second again.

02:46:57.000 You think so?

02:46:57.000 No way.

02:46:58.000 Yeah, he'll come in second.

02:46:59.000 He'll get crazy.

02:47:00.000 You're doing the thing.

02:47:01.000 You're kind of doing the opposite thing as him.

02:47:03.000 I know Ari better than you guys know Ari.

02:47:04.000 Because Ari and I have done jiu-jitsu together.

02:47:06.000 So I know how competitive he gets.

02:47:08.000 When you're fighting for your life, which is what you're doing when you're doing jiu-jitsu, you know what a guy's got inside of him.

02:47:14.000 Ari, she fears a little savage.

02:47:16.000 But fighting for your life and running is a little different.

02:47:18.000 No, no, no.

02:47:19.000 It's his mind.

02:47:20.000 That's why I knew he was going to come in second.

02:47:22.000 I knew he was going to come in second when we did this Sober October thing.

02:47:25.000 I was just...

02:47:27.000 Yeah.

02:47:28.000 He gets crazy with stuff.

02:47:31.000 Let's go.

02:47:31.000 I'm going to change my brain.

02:47:32.000 I'll switch it over.

02:47:32.000 Let's go.

02:47:33.000 Unlike you, Bert.

02:47:33.000 He doesn't give up.

02:47:35.000 I don't give up.

02:47:36.000 Oh, shit.

02:47:37.000 Oh, fuck.

02:47:37.000 Now you've got to feel it.

02:47:39.000 Oh, my gosh.

02:47:39.000 Art doesn't fold.

02:47:40.000 This is already set up.

02:47:41.000 I feel like the only thing that's not settled is what is...

02:47:44.000 But you know that's true, right?

02:47:44.000 That's not good for you.

02:47:45.000 What's that?

02:47:46.000 It's not good to talk shit and then just fold.

02:47:47.000 Talk shit and never back it up.

02:47:48.000 Listen.

02:47:49.000 Talk shit and then just slump.

02:47:52.000 Wait, what is the...

02:47:53.000 What is the...

02:47:54.000 What is the Bert?

02:47:58.000 I am Conor McGregor.

02:47:59.000 No, you're not.

02:48:01.000 Sometimes you talk shit and you lose.

02:48:02.000 Because you also have a one in three years.

02:48:04.000 Sometimes you talk shit and you lose.

02:48:08.000 What's the burnt punishment?

02:48:09.000 The idea that you just said, I'm Conor McGregor.

02:48:11.000 When Conor McGregor knocked out Jose Aldo with one punch.

02:48:13.000 If Conor McGregor was going to pick one person on this podcast to get behind, who do you think it would be?

02:48:18.000 Be real.

02:48:19.000 It would be you.

02:48:20.000 In a heartbeat.

02:48:21.000 Seems weird.

02:48:22.000 Conor McGregor would be like, that's my guy.

02:48:23.000 I'll bet money on him.

02:48:24.000 I'll tell you what he would do then.

02:48:25.000 Can I tell you what he would do?

02:48:27.000 I guarantee you.

02:48:28.000 Conor, let's team up.

02:48:29.000 This is what Conor would do.

02:48:31.000 Thank God I'm on mushrooms.

02:48:31.000 If there was an audience, he would get them all going about how it's you, and then when it's like, press the button to vote, right then he would go, Joe.

02:48:42.000 That's how I would do that.

02:48:44.000 If his money was lit, he's betting on Rogan.

02:48:46.000 If he's talking about your showmanship, he likes you.

02:48:48.000 Do you think he would lose money just because he likes that you get drunk?

02:48:53.000 That's a good point.

02:48:54.000 That's a good question.

02:48:54.000 He loses money because he loves that you brag and then fall down and then you love to get drunk.

02:49:00.000 This is the sound of a man who doesn't think with his liver.

02:49:03.000 Yeah.

02:49:04.000 I think with my heart.

02:49:05.000 Burt, what is the punishment?

02:49:07.000 Listen, we all...

02:49:08.000 What's your singular punishment?

02:49:10.000 It's got to be group punishment.

02:49:11.000 But I'm saying, let's say, let's start with you.

02:49:13.000 You come in last.

02:49:14.000 What is the punishment for coming in last?

02:49:17.000 For coming in last.

02:49:18.000 Name it.

02:49:18.000 A million dollars.

02:49:20.000 He's so happy right now.

02:49:21.000 He's so happy thinking about coming in last.

02:49:25.000 I can't even wrap my head around coming in last.

02:49:26.000 I can't even believe it.

02:49:28.000 No, he's happy.

02:49:29.000 He's looking forward to it.

02:49:30.000 He's looking forward to being comfortable.

02:49:32.000 He's looking forward to coming in last in front of a fireplace.

02:49:34.000 Curled up.

02:49:35.000 No.

02:49:37.000 Name it.

02:49:37.000 It's not a million dollars.

02:49:38.000 Name it.

02:49:40.000 Look at him.

02:49:40.000 Dude, this, whatever's wrong with me, whatever got me into comedy, all the things that are wrong with me, this is the base of it right here.

02:49:48.000 I sent my therapist on there.

02:49:49.000 What does that mean?

02:49:50.000 Because I believe, I genuinely I genuinely believe in myself in this moment.

02:49:59.000 Well, that's great.

02:50:00.000 I genuinely believe in myself.

02:50:01.000 I believe that you do that.

02:50:02.000 I believe that you believe in yourself.

02:50:05.000 100%.

02:50:05.000 And I think you also know on some level you're coming forth in anything.

02:50:09.000 I don't know if I'm coming forth, but I'll tell you, I'll be very honest.

02:50:13.000 As much as I believe in myself, I know there's something wrong with Joe.

02:50:17.000 I know that Ari has this fucking Lou Gehrig's disease.

02:50:23.000 That's already a disease.

02:50:24.000 That's already a disease.

02:50:25.000 Or whatever it is.

02:50:26.000 Mickey Mantle.

02:50:27.000 And I know that Tom is going to call me on the last day and go, Hey, you're done running, right?

02:50:31.000 You're not going to throw me under the bus on this one.

02:50:34.000 Is that what you did on the last day?

02:50:36.000 I called him on a treadmill.

02:50:38.000 I called him on a treadmill from the gym.

02:50:41.000 And I was like, I was moving.

02:50:43.000 I was like, are you doing it?

02:50:44.000 He was like, man, I swear to you.

02:50:45.000 I said to him, say what I said.

02:50:48.000 He goes, I'm with my family right now.

02:50:50.000 I'm with my kids.

02:50:51.000 And I heard like...

02:50:52.000 Kid's laughing and he's like, we're hosting a thing.

02:50:55.000 I stayed on that trip.

02:50:56.000 I was like, I still, on some part of my mind, doesn't believe you.

02:50:59.000 I didn't believe you.

02:51:00.000 You gotta get safe.

02:51:00.000 So I stayed on.

02:51:01.000 I stayed on.

02:51:02.000 And he goes, I swear to you, I'm done.

02:51:03.000 And I stayed in that gym probably 40 minutes.

02:51:06.000 He still put up good numbers that day, but I did go like, I couldn't do it.

02:51:10.000 It was a weird thing.

02:51:11.000 I got on a plane that day.

02:51:12.000 I didn't tell you guys I got on a plane.

02:51:13.000 I flew across the country that day.

02:51:14.000 Yeah, no, you did tell me that.

02:51:15.000 Did I tell you that?

02:51:15.000 Yes.

02:51:16.000 So I was like, oh shit.

02:51:17.000 This is what I loved about it.

02:51:18.000 What I loved about it is that we were seeing everybody's numbers.

02:51:20.000 Yeah, he's high on me.

02:51:21.000 Mushrooms.

02:51:22.000 No, but I'm just thinking about this.

02:51:23.000 It's like, can't we start slow and have like a, alright, you did five miles, call it for the day.

02:51:27.000 You maxed out.

02:51:29.000 No.

02:51:29.000 That's not how it's going to work.

02:51:30.000 We're going to the dark place.

02:51:32.000 Here's what I'm well aware of.

02:51:35.000 I'm going to give you the cards in my hand right now.

02:51:38.000 I've run 26 miles in a day.

02:51:42.000 And I know that Joe's first day of running 26 miles is going to put him back for a couple days.

02:51:48.000 It's really hard to go right into that.

02:51:50.000 He's going to train ahead of time.

02:51:52.000 I know, I know, I know.

02:51:53.000 Start on October 1st, you moron.

02:51:54.000 No, I know, I know, I know, I know.

02:51:56.000 But I know for a fact.

02:51:57.000 Let's start right now.

02:51:58.000 I'm going to leave this place and start.

02:52:01.000 If we make it, if that's the agreement, I'm going to get down to 180 pounds.

02:52:06.000 I'm going to lose 20 pounds.

02:52:07.000 What are you right now?

02:52:08.000 200. You can do that?

02:52:10.000 Yes.

02:52:10.000 No, but I mean like, in your head...

02:52:13.000 If you lost 20 pounds...

02:52:15.000 It's already done.

02:52:16.000 Yeah, I'm going to lose 20 pounds, and I'm going to run...

02:52:19.000 I'm going to start off with 10. I'll do 10 every other day.

02:52:23.000 And then by the time October ramps around, I'll be doing a marathon a day.

02:52:28.000 It's going to suck.

02:52:29.000 It's going to suck.

02:52:31.000 You think you'll do that every day?

02:52:32.000 Yeah, I'm going to have to.

02:52:33.000 I'm going to have to show Burt what the fuck is up.

02:52:35.000 Then I'm not going to talk to him anymore.

02:52:37.000 I don't like how...

02:52:38.000 No, no, no.

02:52:40.000 If he cuts it last, I'm going to block his number.

02:52:42.000 I'm just like, I can't do this anymore.

02:52:45.000 That's why we should do hip-hop dance!

02:52:47.000 Hip-hop dance.

02:52:48.000 Hip-hop dance is so much more fun!

02:52:50.000 Alright, this shouldn't be fun.

02:52:51.000 I gotta pee.

02:52:52.000 This shouldn't be fun?

02:52:53.000 It shouldn't be fun.

02:52:54.000 It should be terrifying.

02:52:55.000 Last year was terrifying.

02:52:56.000 What I'm saying is, if I come in last this year and there's all these fucking repercussions, and then he came in last and had nothing wrong with him, it's super unfair.

02:53:03.000 It's unfair.

02:53:03.000 You're right, Ari.

02:53:04.000 No repercussions.

02:53:05.000 Someone should punish you.

02:53:06.000 You should be punished, Bert.

02:53:07.000 Wait, why do I get punished?

02:53:09.000 Because you're coming in last.

02:53:11.000 So, give me a punishment.

02:53:12.000 I'm cool with the punishment.

02:53:13.000 No, we can't.

02:53:13.000 You can't have a punishment.

02:53:15.000 Eat your own shit.

02:53:16.000 How much?

02:53:16.000 A spoonful?

02:53:17.000 Jesus Christ.

02:53:17.000 Can you eat your own shit?

02:53:18.000 What happens?

02:53:19.000 I don't know.

02:53:20.000 Dude, why don't you just give us each 300 grand and it's settled.

02:53:23.000 Yeah.

02:53:27.000 Oh, fuck.

02:53:28.000 Can I just say that I'm going to be in Columbus next weekend, so you may as well come out and see me at the Funny Bone.

02:53:33.000 I love that place.

02:53:34.000 The new one's even bigger, right?

02:53:35.000 Yeah, but don't do shrooms when you come to see my show.

02:53:37.000 Just fucking do it afterwards.

02:53:38.000 It's such a great club, Columbus.

02:53:40.000 Yeah, it's a great club.

02:53:41.000 It's a great town for stand-up, too.

02:53:43.000 It's not as good as the Met July 27th in Philly.

02:53:46.000 Oh my god.

02:53:47.000 I'm announcing a shitload of dates tomorrow.

02:53:49.000 Are you really?

02:53:49.000 Yeah.

02:53:49.000 Announce them now.

02:53:50.000 I can't.

02:53:51.000 I don't know where I'm going.

02:53:52.000 Cardiff Wales, June 25th for Ari Shafir.

02:53:55.000 AriShafir.com All of them will be announced tomorrow.

02:53:59.000 I'll put it, but I'm...

02:54:01.000 I got some dates coming up.

02:54:02.000 You guys do your pre-sales, huh?

02:54:03.000 Oh, there's still 100 tickets left for Chicago this weekend, too.

02:54:06.000 Where are you at in Chicago?

02:54:07.000 Some arena.

02:54:08.000 Jesus, man.

02:54:09.000 Dude, Rogan and I were in Chicago eating salads, and they were like, this is fucking super sweet, this salad.

02:54:15.000 And then we asked some lady, we're like, because we couldn't believe it.

02:54:18.000 And we're like, did you put sugar on this salad?

02:54:20.000 And she was like, is it too sweet for you?

02:54:22.000 I'm like...

02:54:23.000 Why would you put any sugar on a salad?

02:54:24.000 And we looked around, the thinnest person looked like Bert.

02:54:27.000 It was like, everybody there was massive.

02:54:29.000 They love that fat, deep dish pizza.

02:54:31.000 Those are hearty Midwest folk.

02:54:33.000 Yeah.

02:54:34.000 I love Chicago.

02:54:36.000 I love Chicago.

02:54:37.000 Yeah, but they put sugar on their salad.

02:54:38.000 Sugar on their salad.

02:54:39.000 For one moment, take a break.

02:54:40.000 Nope.

02:54:41.000 Get into it for dessert.

02:54:42.000 You want an extra pop with your pop?

02:54:44.000 Yeah.

02:54:46.000 You want more sugar on your salad, sugar?

02:54:48.000 What are you playing there?

02:54:49.000 Massive place, huh?

02:54:50.000 Yeah, some big ass place.

02:54:52.000 Is it different?

02:54:54.000 How different is it than the store?

02:54:56.000 It's different.

02:54:56.000 Yeah, explain to people the difference between a small 100-seat room to a 5, 6, 13,000-seat room.

02:55:02.000 But here's the problem.

02:55:03.000 It's the same material you're going to put on a special.

02:55:05.000 Yeah, delivery stuff.

02:55:05.000 So when you deliver it to 6,000 people, realize you're delivering it to one person on the couch.

02:55:11.000 It's a different kind of show.

02:55:13.000 Do you find yourself talking louder or stuff like that?

02:55:15.000 It's different.

02:55:16.000 I mean, if you're there, it's fun.

02:55:18.000 But I don't think it would translate correctly if you're at home.

02:55:22.000 And that's one of the reasons why I think...

02:55:24.000 Like, I did my last one at the Wilbur, which is pretty tight.

02:55:27.000 It's like three comedy clubs stacked on top of each other.

02:55:30.000 It's 1,100 seats, but it's pretty intimate.

02:55:32.000 Like, the people are on top of you.

02:55:34.000 I think that's how you're supposed to do comedy at a special.

02:55:37.000 Because specials...

02:55:38.000 It's hard to be in that room.

02:55:40.000 And I've been saying this, I don't see if you agree with me.

02:55:43.000 I think that a special is only at its best, like, maybe 80% of what it's like to actually be in the room.

02:55:51.000 Because you miss the feeling of being in the crowd.

02:55:54.000 I try to get my shoots, and I haven't ever gotten as close as possible to a lot of experience.

02:55:59.000 But you can see a show at a Mexican restaurant on a Tuesday with a bunch of amateurs, and you'll laugh harder than watching any of our specials alone in your apartment.

02:56:08.000 Yeah, comedy, being there live is really what makes it.

02:56:13.000 I think a lot of comics mess up and they do their special for The Room.

02:56:17.000 And they go like, what's up here?

02:56:19.000 The place I'm at?

02:56:20.000 You say that though, but Cat Williams, the best part of his special was the 10 minutes he did on Tallahassee or Jacksonville.

02:56:27.000 I would hard disagree.

02:56:28.000 Ah!

02:56:29.000 That was the best part of the show.

02:56:30.000 By the way, I'm a big fucking Cat Williams fan.

02:56:32.000 That is not my best Cat Williams stuff.

02:56:35.000 We talked about that, about doing it not for the room.

02:56:37.000 Jacksonville!

02:56:38.000 You don't shoot a special for fucking Jacksonville.

02:56:43.000 You guys especially are doing these massive, massive rooms, but then when people are going to see your special, almost all of them are watching in a really tiny room.

02:56:53.000 I'm not doing my special in a big room.

02:56:55.000 It's like less than a thousand.

02:56:56.000 I'm thinking of doing mine at the Ice House.

02:56:58.000 I've been thinking about doing that a lot.

02:56:59.000 For real?

02:57:00.000 I've been thinking about it for a while.

02:57:00.000 But I'm pretty far out of doing a special.

02:57:02.000 I'm at least a year away from even thinking about it.

02:57:05.000 I think the most important thing about doing a special is doing it at a place that has not seen you do stand-up.

02:57:10.000 That's the number one most important thing.

02:57:11.000 I don't know.

02:57:11.000 I would do a special at the store.

02:57:14.000 I would find that to be a mistake because you're there all the time.

02:57:16.000 You've been working this material in front of those people.

02:57:17.000 Only if it fucks your head up.

02:57:19.000 What about the people?

02:57:20.000 Well, I get it on the level of like some of the jokes are surprise ending and they kind of like know what's going there.

02:57:25.000 Right, right, right.

02:57:26.000 That's true.

02:57:26.000 You don't want to do a special for people that have seen this material ever.

02:57:29.000 You want those people to never have seen this material the same way the people that are home never seen it.

02:57:33.000 There's 20 million people in LA, Bert.

02:57:36.000 Yeah, but a lot of them will show up.

02:57:38.000 A lot of your mega fans are going to show up and go, dude, I just saw him like six months ago.

02:57:42.000 I want to come and see it.

02:57:43.000 Well, what's interesting about the store right now is that you get comedy tourism there, where you're getting a lot of people that come to visit the store from all over the world.

02:57:50.000 Yeah, true.

02:57:51.000 Let's see.

02:57:52.000 I met some dudes there just the other day from England and Ireland.

02:57:54.000 They flew in for the week to watch stand-up.

02:57:57.000 That's wild.

02:57:57.000 The store is massive right now.

02:57:58.000 It's crazy.

02:57:58.000 The store is everywhere, man.

02:57:59.000 It really is.

02:58:00.000 But the few things I have in my head is I like a rock venue and I like a place I haven't done this material in front of.

02:58:08.000 Have you announced it yet?

02:58:09.000 Were you doing it or no?

02:58:09.000 Yeah, Cleveland.

02:58:12.000 23rd of November, everybody.

02:58:13.000 You filming another special?

02:58:15.000 Yeah.

02:58:15.000 Oh, shit.

02:58:17.000 In Cleveland, are you going to keep your shirt on?

02:58:19.000 No, for sure.

02:58:19.000 No, I'm going to do shirt on.

02:58:20.000 I'll be super skinny after this marathon challenge.

02:58:22.000 What?

02:58:22.000 So you're doing it...

02:58:23.000 No, I'm fucking shirts off.

02:58:25.000 Come on, bro.

02:58:26.000 I'm going to have a fucking knee brace on.

02:58:28.000 Fucking orthopedic shoes.

02:58:29.000 The marathon challenge?

02:58:31.000 Sunbird as fuck.

02:58:33.000 When Ari's around...

02:58:34.000 I look like fucking Forrest Gump.

02:58:36.000 Hi, everybody.

02:58:37.000 I've been running.

02:58:38.000 I've been running.

02:58:39.000 When Ari's around and you open up a kombucha, you instinctively smell it first.

02:58:43.000 Move that thing, man.

02:58:44.000 I smelled it.

02:58:46.000 I got thirsty.

02:58:47.000 Dude, I could do an entire podcast on specials, because I feel like I'm obsessed with the good ones, like what makes a great special.

02:58:58.000 Jesselnik's first joke, the best joke I've heard.

02:59:00.000 I like those first jokes that come out really strong.

02:59:03.000 You've got to have a first joke, man.

02:59:04.000 It's a big problem.

02:59:05.000 Anyone who says hi, any of that bullshit, fucking walk to the stage like Jesselnik or like Norm Macdonald and tell a fucking joke.

02:59:12.000 Yeah, you see it now.

02:59:13.000 I don't know, man.

02:59:14.000 I'd like Cat Williams going, Jacksonville!

02:59:16.000 I like that.

02:59:17.000 He was hilarious in it.

02:59:19.000 He's really great.

02:59:23.000 I'm being real, man.

02:59:24.000 I'm a comic.

02:59:25.000 I'm not a fucking...

02:59:26.000 I'm being real.

02:59:26.000 I do this for a living.

02:59:28.000 Are you being real?

02:59:31.000 I'm being real.

02:59:33.000 But I didn't like it, man.

02:59:34.000 I'm not from Jacksonville.

02:59:35.000 And I've been to Jacksonville.

02:59:37.000 And I know Cat Williams.

02:59:39.000 Cat Williams is fucking brilliant.

02:59:41.000 Man, you know what Michael Jackson had?

02:59:43.000 He had this, this, this.

02:59:44.000 You know what I got?

02:59:44.000 I got this.

02:59:45.000 I'm trying to fuck bitches.

02:59:46.000 And it doesn't matter where he is.

02:59:48.000 Dude, I want to hear your new thoughts.

02:59:53.000 No, dude.

02:59:54.000 We're going to end this podcast with no conclusion.

02:59:56.000 Because otherwise we'll be just going to fight with Jack Stevens.

02:59:59.000 No, you didn't.

03:00:00.000 You're drunk.

03:00:01.000 Cat Stevens is a Muslim.

03:00:02.000 Don't get in a fight with him.

03:00:03.000 It's a lot of people that got his back.

03:00:05.000 Open your special strong.

03:00:07.000 I'm being followed by a moon shadow.

03:00:10.000 Moon shadows, moon shadows.

03:00:13.000 Alright, this is a wrap.

03:00:15.000 Ladies and gentlemen, Sober October.

03:00:17.000 We accomplished nothing.

03:00:18.000 Can I promote one thing real quick?

03:00:20.000 If you guys ever wanted an excuse to do mushrooms, there's a mushroom festival happening in just two weeks.

03:00:25.000 June 15th, 16th, and 17th.

03:00:27.000 All you gotta do is take mushrooms wherever you are.

03:00:29.000 It's called Shroom Fest and fucking join in by taking mushrooms.

03:00:31.000 Listen, uh...

03:00:33.000 This was fun.

03:00:34.000 It was a good time, man.

03:00:35.000 Yeah, it was a good time.

03:00:36.000 I love you guys.

03:00:36.000 As much shit as I talk, I love you guys.

03:00:38.000 Yeah, talk to me again in fucking late October.

03:00:41.000 Yeah, we'll get it ugly again.

03:00:43.000 Guys, TomSeguro.com.

03:00:46.000 Fucking asshole.

The Joe Rogan Experience - June 04, 2019

Joe Rogan Experience #1310 - Sober October 2019 Preview

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