The Joe Rogan Experience - Joe Rogan Experience #1312

00:00:02.000 Two, one, boom!

00:00:04.000 Miss Pat, we're live.

00:00:05.000 What's up?

00:00:06.000 How are you?

00:00:07.000 Hey!

00:00:07.000 Great to see you again.

00:00:08.000 Glad to be back.

00:00:09.000 Man, this studio is better than my house.

00:00:12.000 Crap, I'm gonna go home and tell my husband we need to move in Joe Rogan's studio.

00:00:16.000 There's not a lot of room for extra people.

00:00:18.000 I know, I know, I know, I know.

00:00:20.000 I was just fantasizing.

00:00:22.000 Are you still in Indianapolis?

00:00:24.000 Unfortunately.

00:00:25.000 You don't like it there?

00:00:26.000 Hell no.

00:00:28.000 I like my fans, but I'm black, and it's snow, and snow and weave don't go together.

00:00:34.000 I just don't like it.

00:00:36.000 It's the same.

00:00:37.000 Everybody eat an Applebee's and Golden Corral.

00:00:40.000 I need culture.

00:00:41.000 Culture?

00:00:42.000 Yeah, culture.

00:00:43.000 What about Chicago?

00:00:44.000 I'm cool.

00:00:45.000 I want to go back to Atlanta.

00:00:46.000 Atlanta.

00:00:46.000 That's where I want to be.

00:00:47.000 I want to be in Atlanta.

00:00:48.000 I love Atlanta.

00:00:49.000 Yes.

00:00:50.000 Man, the food, the people.

00:00:51.000 Yes, yes.

00:00:52.000 I just, I want to walk out my door and smell Mexican, Indian, all type of spices.

00:00:57.000 All I smell in my community is duck shit and tiki torches.

00:01:04.000 And dryer sheets.

00:01:05.000 Because white women do their laundry.

00:01:08.000 Dryer sheets.

00:01:09.000 Yeah, I need some culture.

00:01:10.000 I need to walk outside and see all types of people.

00:01:12.000 Isn't it weird how places just never develop a lot of culture?

00:01:15.000 Some places just, the spots just never get any more interesting.

00:01:20.000 Yeah, it's just, it's so boring.

00:01:21.000 Everybody go to church.

00:01:23.000 Nobody curse.

00:01:24.000 And when I come out my door and if I'm talking to a neighbor and I use professional, oh my God, I said, I'm not going to change my language because you decided to walk your dog today and stop and talk to me.

00:01:34.000 You tried to talk to me and everybody pick up their dog shit in my community.

00:01:38.000 And where I'm from, hey, that was fertilizer.

00:01:42.000 So you see your neighbor with a big old pound of dog crap in his hand.

00:01:46.000 I'm like, dude, no.

00:01:47.000 I don't think it works as fertilizer because my dog pisses and shits on the lawn.

00:01:51.000 It just leaves these big old yellow spots where the grass dies.

00:01:54.000 Yeah, but if you leave them long enough and it rains on them, they just go into the grass.

00:01:57.000 That's true.

00:01:57.000 They don't kill the grass.

00:01:59.000 I think the piss does.

00:02:01.000 The piss seems to kill the grass.

00:02:02.000 Well, I don't know.

00:02:03.000 We didn't have no grass.

00:02:04.000 Everybody walked through the grass.

00:02:06.000 I didn't care about lawns until I became a homeowner.

00:02:10.000 Yeah, homeowners care about lawns.

00:02:12.000 Homeowners care about a lot of crap.

00:02:13.000 You have to.

00:02:14.000 Yeah, I have a rental property in Atlanta.

00:02:16.000 If I can get rid of that, I would never, ever.

00:02:19.000 Black people come up with some of the strangest things while they ain't got their rent.

00:02:23.000 Like, I'm supposed to care.

00:02:25.000 I tell them, Bank of America don't care that your grandchild had a seizure.

00:02:30.000 I need my rent money.

00:02:32.000 Put a spoon in his mouth.

00:02:35.000 Jesus Christ.

00:02:37.000 Tell them about CBD. Yeah.

00:02:41.000 I mean, I've had, oh, I just, I'd be so glad when I can get rid of this property.

00:02:45.000 So you own a place in Atlanta?

00:02:46.000 Yes.

00:02:46.000 Would you live there?

00:02:47.000 At the place that you own?

00:02:48.000 Hell no.

00:02:49.000 No?

00:02:49.000 No, I wouldn't live there.

00:02:50.000 You don't like the spot?

00:02:51.000 I'm a little too bougie for that.

00:02:53.000 I'm a little too bougie.

00:02:54.000 I got health care.

00:02:56.000 Too much success.

00:02:57.000 No, not too much success.

00:02:58.000 I'm a little too bougie to live back.

00:03:00.000 But I rent it out.

00:03:01.000 I rent it out.

00:03:02.000 It's a nice place.

00:03:02.000 But you would live in Atlanta somewhere else.

00:03:04.000 Oh yeah!

00:03:05.000 I want to go to Peachtree City, Kennesaw.

00:03:08.000 I would live in Atlanta.

00:03:10.000 I love Atlanta.

00:03:11.000 Why don't you make your way down there?

00:03:13.000 What's holding you in Indianapolis?

00:03:15.000 Healthcare, Jeff.

00:03:16.000 Healthcare.

00:03:16.000 My husband has a really good job that we pay nothing.

00:03:19.000 His knee just went out, his hands done gone out, and I can't pay for them types of things.

00:03:26.000 He tore his ACL running to the cafeteria at work.

00:03:29.000 Oh, I've done that.

00:03:31.000 I tore both of them.

00:03:32.000 You probably were exercising.

00:03:34.000 He was going to get food.

00:03:39.000 Don't watch this episode of Joe Rogan, baby.

00:03:41.000 I'm sorry.

00:03:43.000 Tune out now, sir.

00:03:44.000 That's a rough one to recover from.

00:03:46.000 It takes a long time.

00:03:47.000 Six months.

00:03:47.000 He was six months.

00:03:48.000 Now he's got a carpal tunnel in his hands, so he's getting ready to have a hand surgery.

00:03:52.000 Does he type?

00:03:52.000 What does he...

00:03:53.000 He builds the Allison transmission for Allison.

00:03:56.000 Oh, okay.

00:03:57.000 For General Motors.

00:03:57.000 So he's constantly moving things with his hands.

00:04:00.000 Yeah, so his hand is all crouched.

00:04:01.000 Carpal tunnel's a bitch.

00:04:02.000 My mom got that.

00:04:03.000 That's a rough one.

00:04:04.000 Well, I never had a job where I did that much repetition.

00:04:07.000 You know, I sold drugs and forged a few checks, but it wasn't an everyday thing I had to do.

00:04:13.000 You have how many checks you'd have to forge before you get carpal tunnel?

00:04:16.000 Yeah, a lot.

00:04:17.000 So, once you burn 32, you don't have any more to burn.

00:04:21.000 You got to wait till somebody steal the next book.

00:04:23.000 Plus, I was really young back in the day.

00:04:26.000 Yeah.

00:04:26.000 Damn.

00:04:27.000 So that's what's keeping you in Indianapolis.

00:04:29.000 Healthcare.

00:04:29.000 My husband got a good job.

00:04:31.000 I need a TV show so I can get some really good healthcare.

00:04:34.000 Well, your podcast is launched now.

00:04:36.000 It is.

00:04:37.000 It's called The Pat Down?

00:04:38.000 The Pat Down.

00:04:39.000 And I have my own song, too.

00:04:41.000 Oh, thank you.

00:04:41.000 Yes.

00:04:42.000 We're talking about Ari.

00:04:43.000 Yes.

00:04:43.000 About Ari getting in trouble for putting other people's songs on his podcast and they demonetize his podcast.

00:04:49.000 Yeah, my nephew, Riverdale Shawty, made me my own little pat-down song.

00:04:54.000 Oh, nice.

00:04:55.000 Oh, somebody made a song for you?

00:04:57.000 That's beautiful.

00:04:57.000 Yeah, I was just trying to do something different.

00:05:00.000 It's only 30 minutes of me talking crap about whatever's going on in my life.

00:05:05.000 Perfect.

00:05:05.000 You hear my kids in the background getting cussed out.

00:05:09.000 You hear the creditor calling me.

00:05:11.000 And my co-host is a little white boy named Chris who don't know nothing about black America.

00:05:17.000 And then I got my friend who just, he's ready to go march if you need him to.

00:05:23.000 So I got this libertarian and this crazy ass Democrat together.

00:05:26.000 And I'm down the middle and say, hey, we can all get along.

00:05:30.000 And they hated each other at first.

00:05:32.000 How'd you get them together?

00:05:33.000 Because they hated each other.

00:05:35.000 So you did it on purpose?

00:05:36.000 Yeah, my black friend thought Chris was racist.

00:05:38.000 I was like, no, I know racist.

00:05:40.000 He's not racist.

00:05:41.000 He's just naive to the fact.

00:05:44.000 He's not what?

00:05:45.000 Naived.

00:05:46.000 Eived?

00:05:46.000 Tell him what I'm trying to say.

00:05:48.000 Naive?

00:05:48.000 Oh, naive.

00:05:49.000 Naive.

00:05:50.000 Yeah, you got to translate.

00:05:51.000 Naived.

00:05:51.000 I was like, is that like Adam and Eve?

00:05:53.000 I was trying to go with this.

00:05:55.000 It was naive, but it sounded like Adam and Eve.

00:05:58.000 So he just didn't understand.

00:06:00.000 So we get them together, and we have these conversations about race, and we did an episode about abortion, and Chris was like, he's really Christian?

00:06:08.000 And I was like, do you believe a woman should have a right to have an abortion?

00:06:11.000 He just pitter-pattered all around us.

00:06:13.000 Chris, just say yes or fucking no.

00:06:15.000 And finally he said, I don't believe a woman should have an abortion.

00:06:18.000 I said, that's fine, but this is my vagina and I can do what I want to do with it.

00:06:22.000 If I want to stick firecrackers in my vagina and turn it into the 4th of July, Joe Rogan, this is my vagina.

00:06:28.000 As long as I don't get no vagina juice on you.

00:06:31.000 That makes sense.

00:06:32.000 Yeah.

00:06:33.000 Atlanta's got a problem now with that, right?

00:06:35.000 Isn't that Georgia just passed a new abortion law?

00:06:38.000 I don't think it's passed yet.

00:06:39.000 She just canceled her shows.

00:06:41.000 Yeah.

00:06:42.000 Yeah, she just canceled her shows in Atlanta because I think it passed.

00:06:45.000 I think that was the idea.

00:06:46.000 That's why she canceled it.

00:06:48.000 I don't think it passed, Joe, because the TV people haven't pulled out yet.

00:06:51.000 Oh, you think they would if it passed?

00:06:54.000 I think they would.

00:06:55.000 I really think they would.

00:06:56.000 I think they're making tax money.

00:06:56.000 Atlanta got them in there because of tax money.

00:06:58.000 Yeah, and I think they'll leave.

00:07:00.000 You think so?

00:07:00.000 A lot of people lose their jobs.

00:07:02.000 I don't think they're going to leave.

00:07:04.000 I don't think nobody should be telling us what to do with our bodies.

00:07:07.000 I don't think so either.

00:07:08.000 Yeah, I mean, you know, I've been shot in the titty.

00:07:11.000 One of my nipples messed up.

00:07:12.000 So that's like you trying to tell me I should get my titty fixed.

00:07:15.000 If I don't want my titty fixed, it's my prerogative.

00:07:18.000 I shouldn't have to have my titty fixed.

00:07:19.000 Right, Joe?

00:07:20.000 How do you feel about late-term abortions?

00:07:22.000 That's where people get scared.

00:07:24.000 That gets squirrely.

00:07:26.000 Yeah, I don't think you should be having no abortion in those six and eight months now.

00:07:30.000 I agree with you.

00:07:30.000 And I don't think it should be recreation either, because I had an abortion.

00:07:34.000 Recreational?

00:07:34.000 No, just doing it for fun.

00:07:36.000 Recreational.

00:07:36.000 I like how you translate for me.

00:07:37.000 Who knows abortion for fun?

00:07:38.000 Oh, I've had a few friends.

00:07:40.000 What are you going to do today?

00:07:41.000 Well, I was thinking about riding a roller coaster, but fuck it, I'll get an abortion.

00:07:45.000 I've had a few friends that had quite a few abortions.

00:07:47.000 I've had one myself.

00:07:48.000 I mean, in my situation, I think everybody's situation is different.

00:07:52.000 My situation, I already had my first baby at 14, my second child at 15, and it was by a married man.

00:07:59.000 Well, I got pregnant by this married man again, and I just looked at myself.

00:08:02.000 I said, here I am, 16, pregnant with my third child.

00:08:06.000 I cannot take care of the two I got.

00:08:09.000 All of this stuff like what they tell you about birth control and safe sex, that wasn't going on in the 80s.

00:08:14.000 People were shedding their does and wouldn't even talk about it.

00:08:16.000 Well, especially when you were a little kid.

00:08:18.000 I'm 14. You were a little kid.

00:08:20.000 I was a kid.

00:08:21.000 So when I got pregnant with my third child, I became an emancipated minor and divorced my mom.

00:08:27.000 And I went and got an abortion because I knew he wasn't helping me with the first two.

00:08:33.000 That's so crazy.

00:08:34.000 You told the story on the first podcast, and still to this day sometimes I'll be doing something, and I'll just think about your story and just go...

00:08:45.000 Selling drugs as a teenager, pregnant with two kids by the time you're 16. That's crazy.

00:08:51.000 In jail.

00:08:52.000 I mean, I dropped out of school in the 8th grade.

00:08:54.000 You know, all of that stuff.

00:08:55.000 And I just said, I don't want my kids to end up like me.

00:08:58.000 So I was like, I can't keep having these babies.

00:09:00.000 And after that, I got on birth control and I just prayed.

00:09:03.000 I said, Lord, I don't want no more kids by this bomb.

00:09:06.000 And I never got pregnant.

00:09:08.000 So I got married.

00:09:09.000 Well, that's good.

00:09:10.000 Yeah.

00:09:11.000 So now I have those two.

00:09:12.000 You know, I used to tell a bit about I got a set of Medicaid kids and a set of Blue Cross Blue Shield kids.

00:09:19.000 So I waited until they got older.

00:09:20.000 I mean, I got older and I became, I started to learn about life.

00:09:25.000 He taught me a lot.

00:09:26.000 And so I had those last two and I tied my tubes.

00:09:29.000 Very good move.

00:09:31.000 Four is enough.

00:09:32.000 Four is more than enough.

00:09:33.000 That's a good number.

00:09:34.000 But you know, Joe, I'm black, so my family smoke crack.

00:09:37.000 So they keep giving me their kids.

00:09:39.000 So I had to tie my tubes to make room for the crack babies that keep coming in and not my house.

00:09:44.000 I'm raising four right now.

00:09:46.000 Really?

00:09:47.000 Yeah, I have my niece.

00:09:49.000 I picked up my niece like five years ago to help her out.

00:09:53.000 She had a baby that was two weeks old.

00:09:55.000 And I have this thing like all kids deserve a solid foundation because I didn't have one.

00:10:00.000 This is my third set of kids I've raised, and I'm just 47. So I picked my niece up, baby two weeks old, and she got three other kids.

00:10:08.000 I said, okay, I got this big house in Indianapolis.

00:10:10.000 Come live with me.

00:10:11.000 I got three, four extra bedrooms.

00:10:14.000 Well, this bitch ran off and left me with them kids.

00:10:16.000 Now I have a five or eight.

00:10:18.000 She left you with her kids?

00:10:19.000 Yeah, and a 10 and 11 year old.

00:10:21.000 And I've had these kids for six years.

00:10:24.000 And I literally have not seen my niece in almost four years.

00:10:28.000 No phone call, no nothing.

00:10:31.000 And, you know, I'm trying to build a career.

00:10:34.000 So I have a daughter who...

00:10:37.000 My kids who were at the house now had to make a major sacrifice.

00:10:40.000 Like, my daughter couldn't go off to college because she didn't want to leave my husband with these four kids.

00:10:45.000 So she went to college in Indianapolis.

00:10:47.000 But she went mostly from, you know, home.

00:10:51.000 My son couldn't go off to college because they at home helped me raise these four kids that I call my crack babies.

00:10:56.000 But they at home raising my crack babies because she don't want to leave my husband with all four of these crack babies by themselves.

00:11:04.000 So, you know.

00:11:05.000 Where is the mother?

00:11:06.000 You want to hear something crazy?

00:11:08.000 The bitch blocked me on Facebook joke.

00:11:10.000 She won't even let me be a friend on Facebook.

00:11:13.000 You're taking care of her children?

00:11:15.000 Yeah.

00:11:15.000 And she blocked you on Facebook?

00:11:16.000 Why did she block you?

00:11:18.000 Because I kept saying, I'm going to kill you, bitch.

00:11:24.000 I was ready to live my best life.

00:11:26.000 I said, oh, I'm making some money.

00:11:28.000 Me and my husband are going to go to Hawaii, get naked, float in the water, and bam, four crack babies.

00:11:32.000 You can't do that.

00:11:33.000 You know how much a ticket to Hawaii is called?

00:11:35.000 I can't take them crack babies with me.

00:11:37.000 Oh my God.

00:11:39.000 That's so crazy.

00:11:41.000 Yeah.

00:11:41.000 So, I mean, it changed everything.

00:11:44.000 And then, you know, when she left, and she didn't even give me custody.

00:11:47.000 I had to go and hire this lawyer and go and get custody because she just ran off.

00:11:51.000 And I asked the welfare system in Indianapolis, I said, can y'all just give me childcare?

00:11:57.000 Because childcare was going to be like $800 a week.

00:12:01.000 Because my kids was in high school when she left.

00:12:03.000 And they was like, no, we can't give you that.

00:12:05.000 But we will give you Medicaid and $300.

00:12:09.000 They didn't give me shit.

00:12:11.000 Jesus Christ.

00:12:12.000 So I just made away myself and I said, you know what?

00:12:15.000 I've had this baby since she was two weeks old.

00:12:17.000 How do you drop a baby that you've had since she was two weeks old?

00:12:21.000 It's basically your baby now.

00:12:22.000 Yeah, I can't give up.

00:12:23.000 Especially since the mom blocked you.

00:12:25.000 That is so fucking crazy.

00:12:28.000 The mother blocked you.

00:12:29.000 Do you know where she is?

00:12:30.000 No.

00:12:31.000 Oh my God.

00:12:32.000 No, but we did make a secret account, right, of a nice, fine man like yourself, Joe Rogan.

00:12:37.000 Nice, fine black man.

00:12:38.000 And we friended her.

00:12:40.000 So she accepted as a friend.

00:12:42.000 So she don't know that that's us.

00:12:44.000 And she don't listen to your podcast, so I can tell.

00:12:46.000 So we follow her like that.

00:12:47.000 So she's on the other side of town getting high.

00:12:51.000 Never hit me up.

00:12:52.000 Never talk about the kids.

00:12:54.000 That's so crazy.

00:12:55.000 You know, I don't get a dime from nobody.

00:12:58.000 Nobody.

00:12:59.000 And I don't ask for nothing.

00:13:00.000 I mean, I'm just, at this point, I'm thankful that I can even take care of these kids.

00:13:04.000 Because my sister was on drugs and I took care of her kids.

00:13:06.000 My niece who's on drugs now, I took care of them for 10 years with my husband.

00:13:11.000 And she's on drugs now?

00:13:12.000 The daughter's on drugs.

00:13:13.000 Well, my sister got them back and got them all on drugs like her.

00:13:16.000 Oh, Jesus Christ.

00:13:17.000 So I made sure that these kids can't go back to that situation.

00:13:21.000 Now I call them my bougie crack babies.

00:13:23.000 They won't even eat McDonald's, only Chick-fil-A. They be like, oh, we don't eat McDonald's, we eat Chick-fil-A. And I was like, I remember when your ass didn't eat at all, baby.

00:13:39.000 They give me great material, but it's not easy.

00:13:43.000 Do they know you call them crack babies?

00:13:45.000 No, they don't see a podcast.

00:13:49.000 My husband says, stop calling these damn kids crack babies.

00:13:51.000 I'm like, these are crack babies.

00:13:54.000 They don't know I call them crack babies.

00:13:57.000 Only America know that I call them crack babies.

00:13:59.000 But y'all can't call them crack babies.

00:14:02.000 Oh my god.

00:14:03.000 Do they call you mom?

00:14:04.000 They do, and it's kind of weird.

00:14:07.000 So they just started calling me mom out of nowhere.

00:14:10.000 Don't call me fucking mom, I'm auntie.

00:14:12.000 But now I just let them go.

00:14:13.000 That's beautiful.

00:14:14.000 Well, they go to school, and they see all the, you know, I live in this white community, and they see all these kids with a mom and daddy.

00:14:20.000 And it's like, well, why don't we have it?

00:14:21.000 And they just started calling me mom.

00:14:23.000 And so we're mom.

00:14:24.000 And my daughter, she just graduated from college.

00:14:27.000 But they got two moms, and then my husband is their daddy.

00:14:31.000 Aww.

00:14:32.000 Yeah.

00:14:32.000 I love that.

00:14:33.000 Well, thank you.

00:14:34.000 Thank you.

00:14:35.000 That's a beautiful thing you're doing.

00:14:36.000 It really is.

00:14:37.000 Even though the lady's a cunt.

00:14:39.000 She abandoned her kids.

00:14:40.000 No, in the black community, she's a bitch.

00:14:42.000 Yeah.

00:14:42.000 That's what she is.

00:14:43.000 Those kids got lucky.

00:14:44.000 They got lucky.

00:14:45.000 They really did.

00:14:46.000 I took them on a Disney cruise last year, Joe.

00:14:48.000 And, oh my God, they had the time of their life.

00:14:51.000 I said, look at my crack, baby.

00:14:55.000 They don't know what I don't say to them from the crack house.

00:14:58.000 Oh my God.

00:14:58.000 Oh my God, what you saved them from.

00:15:00.000 They're on a Disney cruise.

00:15:01.000 Yeah, look at these crack babies on a Disney cruise with matching outfits.

00:15:06.000 But I love them.

00:15:08.000 It's amazing that you're doing that.

00:15:09.000 It really is.

00:15:10.000 I mean, I know it's hard, but it's amazing that you're doing that.

00:15:12.000 Well, you know, like I said earlier, every child deserves a solid foundation to start on.

00:15:19.000 Unfortunately for me, I didn't have that solid foundation.

00:15:21.000 I didn't have nobody to step in my life and, you know, snatch me from my mom.

00:15:25.000 But, you know, whenever I see a child in need, especially a family member, I always try to step in.

00:15:32.000 Because I know, I know when you don't have that solid foundation where you can end up.

00:15:36.000 And some kids end up, you know, fucked up even with a solid foundation.

00:15:40.000 Yeah.

00:15:40.000 But if you can give them a good start, at least give them a good start.

00:15:44.000 And that's all I ever wanted to do.

00:15:46.000 That's beautiful.

00:15:47.000 Yeah, and Simmons Learning Center is killing me.

00:15:51.000 I put these black crack babies in this white community.

00:15:53.000 These kids been reading since they were two.

00:15:55.000 They were whooping my black baby ass, Joe Rogan.

00:15:57.000 So they need tutors?

00:15:58.000 Hell yeah!

00:15:59.000 I'm like, I'll be glad when you crack babies catch up.

00:16:04.000 I'll be glad when y'all catch up.

00:16:05.000 We gotta get this podcast to take off.

00:16:07.000 Yes, yes, yes.

00:16:08.000 You don't need a TV show these days.

00:16:10.000 You don't.

00:16:11.000 You just need that podcast to keep going.

00:16:13.000 I know.

00:16:13.000 I'm enjoying it, too.

00:16:15.000 I didn't realize.

00:16:15.000 But you're perfect for it.

00:16:16.000 Like, that's what we were talking about at the Comedy Store the last time I saw you.

00:16:19.000 Four o'clock in the morning.

00:16:20.000 I was like, you got to.

00:16:21.000 You have to.

00:16:22.000 You're right.

00:16:23.000 You're right.

00:16:23.000 And I really like it, too.

00:16:25.000 I knew you.

00:16:26.000 I was like, it doesn't make any sense that you don't have one.

00:16:29.000 Yep.

00:16:29.000 And I mean, I'm enjoying it.

00:16:31.000 30 minutes.

00:16:31.000 Oh, Ms. Pat, give me more.

00:16:32.000 I'm like, excuse me.

00:16:33.000 I'm sitting here with no wig on, no breath.

00:16:36.000 I ain't took no bath.

00:16:38.000 And Chris might be smelling me after 35 minutes.

00:16:40.000 This is all you gonna get.

00:16:42.000 Plus, you know, he come over at 4, 3 o'clock.

00:16:45.000 And then my baby's coming in the door at 4 o'clock.

00:16:47.000 So I'm like, sit your ass down!

00:16:48.000 I'm screaming and hollering.

00:16:49.000 I gotta go fix food.

00:16:50.000 And I got a life.

00:16:52.000 I'm married.

00:16:52.000 I can't sit down for, you know...

00:16:54.000 30 minutes is fine.

00:16:56.000 It's perfect.

00:16:56.000 And I like it.

00:16:57.000 As long as you're consistent, that's the whole thing.

00:16:59.000 Be consistent.

00:17:00.000 Don't take weeks off.

00:17:02.000 When people take four weeks off, five weeks off, people forget.

00:17:05.000 And then they're not interested in your podcast anymore.

00:17:08.000 But if you're just consistent and you just keep doing it, it becomes a part of their routine.

00:17:13.000 And then they tell people, you've got to listen to Miss Pat's podcast.

00:17:16.000 And next thing you know, by word of mouth, it just spreads.

00:17:19.000 Yeah, and I mean, we have so many episodes in the bank.

00:17:22.000 How many do they have?

00:17:23.000 I think we got probably 20 in the bank.

00:17:26.000 Beautiful.

00:17:26.000 Yeah, they wasn't as good as the ones that I put out regular, but, you know, when I first started, I was kind of shy, and I was like, oh.

00:17:32.000 What?

00:17:33.000 You?

00:17:33.000 I'm Southern.

00:17:34.000 What?

00:17:35.000 Look how many times you have to say, what the fuck did you just say?

00:17:38.000 But you're not shy.

00:17:40.000 I was kind of shy in the beginning.

00:17:42.000 That's the last word I would ever use for you.

00:17:44.000 I fight, but I'm kind of shy, Joe.

00:17:46.000 I mean, you know, because I'm country and people are like, what the fuck did you say?

00:17:51.000 I actually talked about you on my first one.

00:17:53.000 So when I first did your podcast, it was this story out that Joe Rogan is a badass and he choked out a mountain lion.

00:18:01.000 And I was like, I don't want to go talk to no white man and choked out a fucking mountain lion.

00:18:05.000 That's a made-up story.

00:18:06.000 I know, but I didn't know at first, and I was so scared, Joe.

00:18:09.000 You thought I was a mountain lion killer?

00:18:11.000 Like I was out there choking lions?

00:18:14.000 I'm used to black people doing drive-bys, but I ain't used to white people just choking out a mountain line.

00:18:19.000 So I'm trying to figure out how the fuck he get up on a mountain line.

00:18:25.000 How do a white man sneak up on a mountain line from behind and choke the shit out of him?

00:18:29.000 He gotta be strong as fuck.

00:18:30.000 So I kept digging, and I realized the story wasn't real.

00:18:33.000 I was like, I didn't want to talk to no white dude who choked out a mountain line.

00:18:39.000 Then I started, you know, I see you with that big old weight and shit, that big old horse head.

00:18:43.000 I know he killed that fucking mountain lion.

00:18:46.000 It took a while for me to realize.

00:18:48.000 It took about a month before I realized the story wasn't real.

00:18:53.000 My own sister didn't think, my own sister thought it was real.

00:18:56.000 Really?

00:18:56.000 She texted me.

00:18:57.000 She goes, you really choke out a mountain lion?

00:18:58.000 I'm like, what the fuck is wrong with you?

00:19:00.000 You gotta get out of Florida.

00:19:02.000 Well, you're a badass.

00:19:02.000 You're a badass.

00:19:03.000 I mean, only you can sneak up on a mountain lion and choke the shit out of me.

00:19:07.000 I don't think so.

00:19:08.000 I run with a knife.

00:19:09.000 When I run, I carry a knife with me, just in case.

00:19:12.000 Because there's mountain lions in my community.

00:19:14.000 Really?

00:19:14.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:19:15.000 They've seen them.

00:19:16.000 Yeah, and I run with my dog.

00:19:17.000 If a mountain lion tries to jack me or my dog, I want to have something on me.

00:19:21.000 So if he jacks your dog, you're going to stab him?

00:19:24.000 Fuck yeah!

00:19:24.000 You know, I was just telling a story about my...

00:19:26.000 You know, I'm from the South, right?

00:19:28.000 So back in the day, and don't get offended, people, but, you know, dog fighting is big in the South.

00:19:32.000 So we didn't fight, like, no danger shit.

00:19:35.000 We just put some nowlaters on the ground.

00:19:36.000 Whoever dog gets the best, they win the nowlaters.

00:19:38.000 Well, my dog was named Pup Pup.

00:19:40.000 Now or later?

00:19:41.000 You mean like candy?

00:19:42.000 Now and laters.

00:19:43.000 The candy, yeah.

00:19:44.000 So you have the dogs fight over candy?

00:19:47.000 Yeah.

00:19:48.000 Me and my dog used to split the candy.

00:19:53.000 Let's all get some candy if it wins.

00:19:55.000 Black dogs used to eat anything back then.

00:19:58.000 Collar, green pig, feet, whatever.

00:20:00.000 Black people didn't buy dog food.

00:20:02.000 So me and my dog would fight a lot.

00:20:04.000 But if you got the best of my dog, I would jump in and whoop your dog ass.

00:20:07.000 Because you was not going to whoop my old ass German Shepherd ass.

00:20:11.000 Now don't be calling in and be talking about I'm abusive to dogs.

00:20:14.000 Because I don't own no fucking dogs.

00:20:15.000 I got four crack babies.

00:20:16.000 And I don't have an animal.

00:20:17.000 This was back in the day when I was a little girl.

00:20:19.000 But that's what we used to do.

00:20:31.000 Yeah.

00:20:33.000 Yeah.

00:20:35.000 Yeah.

00:20:42.000 Yeah, we lived in Kentucky, and they fought dogs.

00:20:46.000 Well, we only did.

00:20:47.000 It was just kids.

00:20:49.000 Whoever dog gets the best of whoever dog, that's the winner now.

00:20:52.000 So if I thought Pop Pop was about to go down on his back, I would jump in and put your dog in a chokehold, because I like wrestling.

00:20:59.000 With dogs?

00:21:00.000 Yeah, I would freaking fold the shit out of your dog.

00:21:03.000 I was not losing them now, Lady Joe.

00:21:05.000 We didn't eat a lot.

00:21:05.000 I couldn't lose my only meal that day.

00:21:08.000 Your only meal was an hour later?

00:21:10.000 Some days, and me and Pop Pop would sit on the sidewalk.

00:21:12.000 We'd whoop this ad, they would Pop Pop, and we'd split the now later.

00:21:15.000 Wow.

00:21:17.000 There's a lot of people right now listening like, is this lady for real?

00:21:20.000 And I can assure them that you are.

00:21:22.000 I'm for real, y'all.

00:21:23.000 You've had a crazy fucking life, you know?

00:21:26.000 I mean, there's so many people that are insulated from the kind of life that you've had.

00:21:29.000 They don't know anybody like you, you know?

00:21:31.000 Oh, I'm realizing that Chris, my producer, I scared the shit out of him.

00:21:35.000 He's like, why are you yelling at me?

00:21:36.000 I'm like, Chris, I'm not yelling.

00:21:38.000 You know when a black woman is yelling.

00:21:40.000 When she go to twisting her neck and taking off her wig and unbuckling her bra, I'm yelling.

00:21:46.000 I'm just talking.

00:21:47.000 My voice, I have a deep voice and it carries.

00:21:50.000 You know what's crazy?

00:21:52.000 Like I said, he's a little white kid from Indianapolis.

00:21:55.000 So I'm talking on a podcast and I'm teaching him about black pussy incense.

00:21:59.000 You ever heard of that?

00:22:00.000 Black pussy incense?

00:22:01.000 Yeah.

00:22:02.000 You know that you burn.

00:22:02.000 The black people used to burn in their house.

00:22:04.000 I know about incense, but I didn't know about black.

00:22:06.000 Yeah, it used to be called Black Pussy.

00:22:07.000 He swore me down.

00:22:08.000 It wasn't real.

00:22:09.000 So we put out the podcast.

00:22:10.000 Everybody was like, my mama say Black Pussy Incense.

00:22:12.000 It was the best scent out there, Joe.

00:22:14.000 Okay.

00:22:23.000 You look like, what did it smell like?

00:22:25.000 I like incense.

00:22:27.000 Yeah, that was the name of it.

00:22:28.000 I told him about it.

00:22:30.000 He's like, what are you talking about?

00:22:31.000 I'm like, I'm telling you, black pussy incense.

00:22:33.000 Everybody listen to R. Kelly and burnt black pussy incense on a Saturday morning cleaning their house.

00:22:38.000 Everybody listen to R. Kelly and burnt black pussy incense.

00:22:41.000 Holy shit.

00:22:44.000 Jesus Christ.

00:22:45.000 So every week I'm teaching him something that he has never heard of.

00:22:49.000 What do you think about all this R. Kelly shit?

00:22:55.000 I think you did it, Joe.

00:22:57.000 I mean, but people just looked away.

00:23:00.000 You know, I tell a bit on stage, I say something about a big dick man, big dick black man that can't read.

00:23:07.000 They puts it down.

00:23:09.000 They have awesome women.

00:23:11.000 Can't read.

00:23:12.000 They put it down.

00:23:14.000 My first kid's father couldn't read.

00:23:16.000 When they ain't got no side teeth and they can't read, they got the best sex because they practice all the time.

00:23:24.000 Black men who can't read don't have sex like black men who got a 9 to 5 who can't read.

00:23:30.000 The sex is totally different.

00:23:31.000 Because they're not tired.

00:23:33.000 Because they practice.

00:23:34.000 All they do is practice on women.

00:23:36.000 My husband got to go to work, Joe.

00:23:38.000 He ain't got time to be flipping me over, slapping me across the head.

00:23:46.000 He ain't got time for all that ghetto love.

00:23:48.000 Oh my God, I'm crying.

00:23:50.000 He ain't got time for all that ghetto love.

00:23:52.000 But when you got a brother that can't read and don't work, the best sex.

00:23:56.000 Now, he ain't gonna go to work, but he gonna watch The Young and the Restless.

00:23:59.000 And Housewife of Atlanta.

00:24:01.000 But when you know when he get back, that dick is laying on that pillow for you.

00:24:09.000 Jesus Christ.

00:24:11.000 I know what Whitney Houston went through.

00:24:14.000 Everybody was like, Bobby ain't for Whitney.

00:24:15.000 I was like, that's a dick Bobby putting down.

00:24:19.000 And you know he had to work even harder because he had more money than him.

00:24:22.000 Right.

00:24:23.000 Yeah.

00:24:23.000 That's true.

00:24:24.000 Somebody had a meme they put up on Instagram the other day of how every dude whose girlfriend is paying for everything stands and it's like a guy standing with his arm deep around the girl, like deep around holding on to her while they're waiting in line for things.

00:24:38.000 Baby, in public, always baby.

00:24:40.000 Holding her hand.

00:24:41.000 You can't get my husband to hold my hand.

00:24:43.000 You know why?

00:24:43.000 Because you pay the mortgage.

00:24:47.000 I called home yesterday.

00:24:48.000 I said, I love you.

00:24:49.000 He said, thank you.

00:24:50.000 I'm in the bed.

00:24:51.000 I was on the phone with my friend one day.

00:24:54.000 So I said, listen to my husband.

00:24:56.000 My husband's funny as fuck.

00:24:57.000 So I said, hey.

00:24:59.000 I said, baby, you want some pussy?

00:25:01.000 He said, not at all.

00:25:03.000 laughter laughter Not at all!

00:25:10.000 My friend said, did he say not at all?

00:25:12.000 And I said, guess what?

00:25:12.000 He's snowing already.

00:25:14.000 He's snowing already.

00:25:18.000 We have that type of relationship.

00:25:20.000 I said, hey, I'm going to need you to fuck me on the 14 because I think I'm ovulating.

00:25:23.000 I need to get some stuff out my chest.

00:25:25.000 Oh, my God.

00:25:28.000 He said, not at all, Joe.

00:25:29.000 We bought a sleep number bed.

00:25:31.000 And he was like, because his knee was messed up.

00:25:33.000 I bought his sleep number bed.

00:25:34.000 I'm going to put it out every night.

00:25:35.000 I'm like, fuck yeah.

00:25:36.000 So I had just got to deal with Fox for my TV show.

00:25:39.000 So I walk in there.

00:25:40.000 I walk in the damn sleep number like a real Negro when they get some money.

00:25:44.000 Give me the best fucking bed you want because I'm going to fuck every night.

00:25:51.000 They sold me a $13,000 sleep number bad, but I should have known he wasn't going to do shit because he was insisting on getting a metric that split down the middle.

00:25:59.000 You know, the two metrics are separate.

00:26:01.000 That shit split down the middle, and now every time I want to have a set, I got to tell him, hey, you want to come to America and get some pussy?

00:26:07.000 Come to America!

00:26:16.000 Are you going to come to America?

00:26:20.000 Who's got the harder side?

00:26:22.000 He do.

00:26:23.000 He do.

00:26:23.000 He's like, I ain't fucking with you on that mattress.

00:26:25.000 It's too soft on that.

00:26:26.000 Come over here.

00:26:27.000 And then we done gave up.

00:26:28.000 We just fucked in the middle.

00:26:29.000 And by the time we get through, the fucking mattress done fell off the bed because we in the middle of the whole lap.

00:26:35.000 And half of the time, just chips and shit just stuck in the middle of the bed.

00:26:39.000 The remote, my wig, everything sits in the middle of the bed.

00:26:45.000 Oh my God.

00:26:46.000 As soon as I get my TV show, I'm going to buy me a mattress that put us back to fucking gather.

00:26:54.000 Yeah, I didn't like that sleep number bed.

00:26:55.000 I tried that thing.

00:26:56.000 I was too confusing.

00:26:57.000 I didn't like it.

00:26:59.000 He loves it, Joe.

00:27:00.000 Every time I come home, he got his feet in the air like he had a gynecologist visit.

00:27:05.000 Oh, it's one of those deals.

00:27:06.000 Yeah, and it heats up.

00:27:07.000 I'm like, this mattress is only good for heating your balls up.

00:27:10.000 We could have got you a blow dryer.

00:27:13.000 I'm heating your balls up.

00:27:14.000 They sell mattresses now that cool you.

00:27:17.000 Mark Sisson was contacting me.

00:27:18.000 I was telling about that before, yeah.

00:27:19.000 I want to get one.

00:27:20.000 It seems awesome.

00:27:21.000 Yeah, Sisson was just telling me about that.

00:27:23.000 I'm going through menopause.

00:27:24.000 I might need to get that through.

00:27:25.000 I'm going to be heating up, Joe.

00:27:27.000 I'm like, I'm having a hot flash now, and I don't want to drop my titties on your table.

00:27:33.000 You got AC in here.

00:27:34.000 I don't feel it, Joe.

00:27:35.000 We'll turn it up for you.

00:27:36.000 AC can't stop no hot flash.

00:27:38.000 It's like five minutes.

00:27:40.000 I'm heating up now.

00:27:41.000 And it goes away?

00:27:43.000 Yeah, it goes away.

00:27:44.000 What is that caused by?

00:27:45.000 I don't know.

00:27:46.000 You got to ask Mary.

00:27:47.000 I don't know what Mary did in the beginning.

00:27:49.000 Was Mary with Jesus?

00:27:50.000 Yeah.

00:27:50.000 No, Mary with Jesus.

00:27:52.000 Wasn't that Jesus' mama?

00:27:53.000 I don't read the Bible.

00:27:53.000 Who do you mean?

00:27:54.000 Mary.

00:27:55.000 Mary.

00:27:55.000 But who do you mean when you're saying Mary?

00:27:57.000 You got to ask Mary.

00:27:58.000 No, I'm sorry.

00:27:58.000 I'm talking about Eve.

00:27:59.000 The lady who started the period.

00:28:01.000 I'm sorry.

00:28:01.000 I get that.

00:28:02.000 Oh, that bitch.

00:28:03.000 Yeah, she fucked everything up.

00:28:04.000 Yeah.

00:28:05.000 Listen to that talking snake.

00:28:07.000 Yeah, that talking snake.

00:28:08.000 I mean, them cramps ain't no joke.

00:28:10.000 And now I'm having a hot flash all because this bitch bit an apple.

00:28:13.000 God, can you give me an opportunity to bite an apple?

00:28:15.000 I won't bite the apple.

00:28:16.000 Take the hot flashes away.

00:28:19.000 I'll be on a plane, my titty heat up, and white men next to me don't understand why I got my titty in my lap.

00:28:24.000 I'm sorry.

00:28:27.000 Faming yourself off.

00:28:28.000 Yes, yes, yes.

00:28:29.000 So it comes and goes?

00:28:31.000 It'll last five minutes and then back to normal?

00:28:33.000 It'll last a few minutes and then it'll go back to normal.

00:28:35.000 Like I'm cooling down now.

00:28:36.000 So like out of nowhere you just get hot?

00:28:38.000 Yeah, and it hits you in different places.

00:28:40.000 Like mine is good between my titties or on my neck.

00:28:43.000 Some people sit up under their arms, you know.

00:28:47.000 Yeah, a smile hit me right here in my titties.

00:28:50.000 My titties heat up.

00:28:51.000 Like, if you touch them down, it's about 95 degrees.

00:28:54.000 Don't touch them because you're married, but I'm just saying I don't want you to burn your fingers.

00:28:57.000 Here it goes.

00:28:58.000 More than two-thirds of North American women who are headed into menopause have hot flashes.

00:29:02.000 They also affect women who start menopause after chemotherapy or surgery to move their ovaries.

00:29:07.000 It doesn't say anything on why it's North American.

00:29:09.000 That's what I was wondering.

00:29:10.000 It says, what is a hot flash?

00:29:12.000 It's a sudden feeling of heat, sometimes a red flush face and sweating.

00:29:15.000 We don't know exactly what causes them, but they may be related to changes in circulation.

00:29:19.000 I guarantee if they happen to men, they'd know exactly what caused them.

00:29:23.000 Oh, they'll fix that shit.

00:29:24.000 They figure it out.

00:29:25.000 Oh yeah, they'll fix that joke.

00:29:26.000 If they can fix a soft penis, yeah.

00:29:29.000 They'll fix a man dick, but we can't do nothing with our body.

00:29:32.000 Stop fixing soft dicks and everything else will be soft.

00:29:36.000 No.

00:29:39.000 I don't think that would work.

00:29:41.000 They already fixed that.

00:29:42.000 So they can't say stop fixing soft dicks.

00:29:44.000 They'd have to like unlearn.

00:29:47.000 They'd have to unlearn Viagra.

00:29:48.000 Look, just let the man dick do what it do.

00:29:51.000 When it die, let it die.

00:29:52.000 And that's at the point where the lady need to know she need to put some cocoa butter up on it and help it slide across her thigh.

00:30:01.000 I don't think that's going to help either.

00:30:03.000 When it's over, it's over, right?

00:30:05.000 I guess, yeah.

00:30:07.000 People think that they would be happy when it's over.

00:30:11.000 Like, good, finally, it's over.

00:30:12.000 Women are happy when their peers don't come on no more.

00:30:14.000 Why can't men be happy when their penis don't work?

00:30:16.000 Because for men, your dick not working is a sign of you're not a man anymore.

00:30:21.000 Yeah, yeah, for sure.

00:30:24.000 Yeah, you feel like you're not a man anymore.

00:30:25.000 Oh, really?

00:30:26.000 Yeah.

00:30:27.000 So, I don't feel like I'm not a woman no more when my period stops.

00:30:30.000 We be happy.

00:30:31.000 Yeah, but it's different.

00:30:31.000 If your pussy's dried up and became useless, like sealed up, Like nothing?

00:30:39.000 You know, like maybe you meet a man.

00:30:41.000 Maybe you and your husband get divorced.

00:30:43.000 You met a man.

00:30:44.000 He's beautiful.

00:30:44.000 He can't read.

00:30:45.000 So he's got good dick.

00:30:47.000 And he gonna put it in and flakes fall off?

00:30:49.000 And it's just a mess down there.

00:30:51.000 Mmm.

00:30:52.000 Yeah.

00:30:52.000 You know what I'm saying?

00:30:53.000 Yo, I'm black.

00:30:54.000 It grows real thick.

00:30:55.000 So it's always a mess down there.

00:31:01.000 Yeah, I call it neppy grip.

00:31:03.000 Well, I got a Jackson 5 afro.

00:31:10.000 I mean, for some women it matters, but I guess because I started really early, I don't want no dick.

00:31:16.000 I want health care.

00:31:18.000 No dick.

00:31:18.000 You ain't gotta do that to me.

00:31:20.000 Just take me on a trip.

00:31:21.000 But for men, though, it's like a sign of...

00:31:23.000 Weakness?

00:31:24.000 Yeah, it's a weakness thing.

00:31:25.000 Yeah.

00:31:25.000 Yeah, you don't feel like a man anymore.

00:31:27.000 But if you love that person, I think you're willing to deal with the softness.

00:31:33.000 Yeah, especially if you don't want any dick.

00:31:36.000 Yeah.

00:31:37.000 But if you want dick, and his dick is soft, you start getting angry.

00:31:40.000 You put ice cream sticks around it.

00:31:42.000 Oh, like a brace?

00:31:45.000 Like someone with a broken leg?

00:31:49.000 You break your leg in the forest and you have to fucking strap it to some twigs.

00:31:54.000 What else were they doing before Viagra came along?

00:31:56.000 I don't know what they were doing.

00:31:58.000 Sticking them in the freezer?

00:31:59.000 That's why they kill rhinos, you know.

00:32:02.000 Rhino horn?

00:32:03.000 They think rhino horn gets you dick hard.

00:32:05.000 Really?

00:32:05.000 It doesn't do shit.

00:32:06.000 Do you eat it?

00:32:07.000 I guess they make a tea out of it.

00:32:09.000 Oh, really?

00:32:10.000 It doesn't even work.

00:32:11.000 But guys have been taking rhino horn forever to try to get their dick hard.

00:32:14.000 And so much so that now that it's forbidden and it's expensive because it's forbidden, it's like a sign of luxury.

00:32:21.000 Like you're drinking rhino horn tea.

00:32:23.000 It's a big thing in apparently some Asian countries with really wealthy people.

00:32:28.000 They don't even have dicks in Asian.

00:32:29.000 They don't?

00:32:30.000 I mean, I heard they were small.

00:32:35.000 Well, I have a girlfriend that has six Asian babies, right?

00:32:39.000 But she don't have any stretch marks.

00:32:41.000 From the babies?

00:32:43.000 You know, most women get stretch marks.

00:32:44.000 Right, but I don't think that has to do with dick.

00:32:46.000 But I'm saying, Asian men make small babies.

00:32:49.000 So, I'm just assuming...

00:32:52.000 Well, what if it's like...

00:32:53.000 I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about.

00:32:55.000 Who's the basketball player?

00:32:56.000 What's the giant dude?

00:32:57.000 Yao Ming.

00:32:58.000 Yeah, Yao Ming.

00:32:59.000 Yeah.

00:32:59.000 What about that guy?

00:33:01.000 Even if he has a normal size dick.

00:33:03.000 He ain't got no dick.

00:33:03.000 He's too tall.

00:33:04.000 He ain't got no dick.

00:33:05.000 He's too tall.

00:33:06.000 I guarantee you he pisses on the top of his pants.

00:33:12.000 It's a way a man...

00:33:13.000 LeBron James is tall too.

00:33:15.000 He got a lot of dick.

00:33:16.000 I saw that dick on TV that day.

00:33:17.000 I bet.

00:33:18.000 Oh my God.

00:33:19.000 When he went to go scratch, I was like, I'm not into a young dick like that, but that was nice.

00:33:26.000 I'll tell you somebody else who got a nice...

00:33:29.000 Nicki Minaj's ex-boyfriend safari, he broke the internet with it.

00:33:34.000 He broke the internet with his dick?

00:33:35.000 Oh my God, he had a curve in it, Joe.

00:33:37.000 It could probably lift a weight in this fucking weight room right here.

00:33:42.000 It was so big, it couldn't even fit on an iPhone.

00:33:45.000 It was only iPad action.

00:33:46.000 Wow.

00:33:50.000 I was sending it to everybody.

00:33:51.000 Bitch, look!

00:33:52.000 You're blessed today.

00:33:53.000 You're blessed.

00:33:54.000 Oh my God.

00:33:55.000 And he made a little five minute video and that thing was swinging like the American flag on top of a building.

00:33:59.000 It was nice.

00:34:00.000 I want my stomach done once I finish losing weight.

00:34:03.000 Don't do it.

00:34:04.000 Why?

00:34:04.000 I want my titties lifted.

00:34:05.000 You don't know my titties, Joe.

00:34:08.000 Just kidding.

00:34:09.000 Getting put under is what I worry about.

00:34:11.000 Well, shit.

00:34:11.000 I mean, I want my titties lifted.

00:34:13.000 I understand.

00:34:13.000 It's hard when you got big titties and they all in your lap and shit when your bra come off.

00:34:17.000 Do you want your wife to walk out of the shower with her titties look like they been in a drive-by?

00:34:20.000 I feel you.

00:34:21.000 I understand what you're saying.

00:34:22.000 Yeah, so I want my titties lifted.

00:34:23.000 I want my stomach done.

00:34:26.000 I want you to stay alive, Miss Pat.

00:34:27.000 I love you.

00:34:28.000 I want you to stay alive.

00:34:28.000 I love you.

00:34:29.000 I want you to be happy.

00:34:29.000 I love you, too.

00:34:30.000 I'm going to give me a rejuvenation, too.

00:34:32.000 Pfft!

00:34:33.000 Don't do it.

00:34:34.000 Don't do it.

00:34:34.000 Don't get it tightened up.

00:34:36.000 I thought you said you don't even want any more dick.

00:34:38.000 Why are you getting it tightened up?

00:34:39.000 I'm going through panting liners like pampers.

00:34:43.000 Oh my god.

00:34:44.000 But will rejuvenation fix that?

00:34:46.000 I don't know, but I got a leak that a palmer can't fix, Joe.

00:34:50.000 Oh no.

00:34:51.000 What is exactly leaking?

00:34:53.000 What's happening in there?

00:34:55.000 Just coughing.

00:34:56.000 I'm wet.

00:35:00.000 He's my friend, y'all.

00:35:01.000 That's the only reason I can tell him I be pissing on myself.

00:35:04.000 That's alright.

00:35:06.000 I mean, I don't want no Kim Kardashian and my nose.

00:35:10.000 I'm okay with my black nose.

00:35:12.000 You have a beautiful nose.

00:35:13.000 Thank you.

00:35:13.000 I don't want my cheeks pulled back.

00:35:15.000 Don't do anything like that.

00:35:16.000 Joe, I would like to get my stomach done so I can see my vagina.

00:35:19.000 It's been a long time.

00:35:20.000 We've been disconnected for a long time.

00:35:23.000 Have you ever gone on a diet?

00:35:25.000 Yeah.

00:35:26.000 Didn't like it?

00:35:27.000 Is it over?

00:35:31.000 I had weight loss surgery.

00:35:32.000 I lost 100 pounds and it just stopped.

00:35:35.000 So I called the doctor and he was like, it stopped.

00:35:37.000 He was like, you gotta go to the gym.

00:35:39.000 I'm like, no!

00:35:41.000 So you lost 100 pounds just dieting?

00:35:43.000 No, I had weight loss surgery about two years ago.

00:35:46.000 When I first came out, it was real juicy.

00:35:47.000 I was almost 400 pounds.

00:35:49.000 Real juicy?

00:35:50.000 So you had the stomach staple thing?

00:35:52.000 No, I had my stomach cut.

00:35:54.000 It was easy as hell.

00:35:57.000 Really?

00:35:58.000 Yeah, I was almost right at 4. Wow.

00:36:02.000 So you lost 100 pounds, and then they told you to go to the gym, and you're like, fuck you.

00:36:06.000 Well, I'm just so busy.

00:36:08.000 There's no fucking excuse.

00:36:09.000 Why don't you get a trainer?

00:36:11.000 That could be another podcast.

00:36:13.000 You complaining at the gym.

00:36:14.000 That shit would be hilarious.

00:36:15.000 Yeah, I would be complaining.

00:36:16.000 That would be hilarious.

00:36:17.000 You want to hear something crazy?

00:36:18.000 My kids are fat.

00:36:19.000 Because usually if the parents is fat, the kids are fat.

00:36:21.000 My son was 410 pounds, Joe.

00:36:25.000 And he was living in this white neighborhood and he couldn't get no pussy.

00:36:28.000 And he literally went on a diet.

00:36:31.000 Joe, when I tell you this boy is 220 pounds...

00:36:34.000 And every night when we go to bed, he go in the pantry and throw away the junk.

00:36:38.000 And I said, you got one more time to throw away my motherfucking food.

00:36:40.000 He's like, y'all can't eat that.

00:36:42.000 He read everything.

00:36:43.000 He just go to the gym.

00:36:44.000 He was fat as fuck.

00:36:45.000 That's amazing.

00:36:46.000 Titties.

00:36:46.000 His titties gone.

00:36:48.000 His stomach flat.

00:36:49.000 Every day.

00:36:50.000 What does he do?

00:36:51.000 What kind of exercise?

00:36:52.000 I don't know.

00:36:52.000 I can call him his name Junebug.

00:36:54.000 Junebug?

00:36:55.000 Yeah.

00:36:55.000 Not his real name.

00:36:56.000 That's his nickname.

00:36:57.000 Yeah, nickname.

00:36:58.000 So he's just a gym addict.

00:36:59.000 He's into it now.

00:37:00.000 He's a fucking gym addict.

00:37:01.000 That's beautiful.

00:37:02.000 He's like, I'm going to make this whole family lose weight.

00:37:05.000 I said, not today, bitch.

00:37:08.000 Why don't you do a podcast with him?

00:37:12.000 Junebug and Mama at the gym.

00:37:14.000 Do you know how funny a video of you at the gym would be?

00:37:18.000 Just you complaining and talking shit while someone gets you to work out?

00:37:22.000 That would be goddamn hilarious.

00:37:24.000 Junebug, we're going to do a podcast, but he's going to try to kill me, Joe.

00:37:27.000 But if you just listened to him and did it and did a video, I guarantee you that would get a shitload of views.

00:37:34.000 Okay.

00:37:35.000 Well, me and Juma, you're going to help my...

00:37:37.000 Well, actually, I'm getting ready to move to L.A. for the pilot of my show.

00:37:40.000 You're going to move here?

00:37:41.000 I'm going to move here for a little bit.

00:37:42.000 For how long?

00:37:43.000 Well, we're going to shoot the pilot.

00:37:45.000 So if the pilot get picked up at Hulu, so I'll be here doing the shoot, and then I'm going to go back home.

00:37:49.000 I can't take all these nice titties running around here.

00:37:52.000 So, I'm going to bring Junbug out with me.

00:37:54.000 Bring Junbug to start filming videos.

00:37:57.000 You ought to see him.

00:37:58.000 Like, he had big titties like mine.

00:37:59.000 They're gone.

00:38:01.000 Beautiful.

00:38:01.000 I love it.

00:38:02.000 I love stories like that.

00:38:03.000 And he just did it.

00:38:04.000 I know what it was.

00:38:05.000 He couldn't get laid.

00:38:06.000 Well, that'll be a motivator.

00:38:08.000 Yeah, and I asked him, I said, son, be honest, because he told me, he said, mama, because, I mean, I'm doing a little bit now.

00:38:13.000 I probably lost like 15 pounds since I've been dealing with Jumbo.

00:38:16.000 He said, mama, when you lose weight, when you start to lose weight, he just texted me when he said, do you come on your period?

00:38:22.000 I said, what do you mean?

00:38:23.000 I'm your fucking mama.

00:38:24.000 He's like, what do you mean?

00:38:29.000 I want to be in the room while these conversations are happening.

00:38:32.000 I said, why are you asking me that?

00:38:33.000 He said, because when I help you lose weight, your period is going to come back.

00:38:36.000 I said, my fucking period is not going to come back.

00:38:38.000 Was your son a doctor?

00:38:39.000 I don't know.

00:38:40.000 He just read all the time.

00:38:43.000 Joe, I lost like 12 pounds and my period came back.

00:38:45.000 I said, bitch, my period came back.

00:38:47.000 He's like, I know, mama.

00:38:48.000 You stopped up from all the fat.

00:38:50.000 I said, I don't think it worked like that, Joe.

00:38:53.000 Stopped up.

00:38:54.000 Jesus Christ, I just got a visual.

00:38:58.000 Stopped up.

00:39:01.000 Like the London subway.

00:39:03.000 He told me I was stopped up, Joe.

00:39:05.000 But my cycle came back.

00:39:06.000 I was like, what the fuck you do to me?

00:39:08.000 My period came back.

00:39:09.000 He's like, mama, the more I work with, the more you gonna flow.

00:39:11.000 Whoa.

00:39:13.000 Meanwhile, he's right.

00:39:14.000 That's what's crazy.

00:39:15.000 So he just reads a lot about fitness and health?

00:39:18.000 I'm telling you, Joe.

00:39:19.000 How old is he?

00:39:20.000 He's 19. And what is he doing?

00:39:22.000 He works at Enterprise.

00:39:24.000 He should get together with you.

00:39:27.000 Fuck Enterprise.

00:39:28.000 Just you two together, working out, making YouTube videos.

00:39:32.000 That would be huge.

00:39:33.000 Yeah, especially if I can get on like him.

00:39:35.000 He's like, Mama, I'm going to get you in shape.

00:39:37.000 And my daughter is on a plus size, too.

00:39:39.000 He's like, I'm whipping all y'all asses in shape.

00:39:42.000 All because he just popped up and said, I'm sick of being fat.

00:39:46.000 That's awesome.

00:39:47.000 He said he was sick of being fat.

00:39:49.000 My baby, if you go to my Instagram, he's on there.

00:39:51.000 He's 220 now.

00:39:52.000 I'm like, Jumba, stop.

00:39:54.000 He's like, no.

00:39:55.000 Wow.

00:39:56.000 I mean, he got a chest, Joe, stomach flat.

00:39:58.000 He looks good.

00:40:00.000 And I asked him, I said, son, did your dick get bigger?

00:40:02.000 Because I remember being really small.

00:40:05.000 Oh, Jesus.

00:40:11.000 He's like, it's better, mama.

00:40:13.000 It's better.

00:40:15.000 When you're fat, your dick gets smaller?

00:40:17.000 Hell yeah!

00:40:18.000 That bitch go up in your stomach.

00:40:21.000 Your navel become your dick when you're real fat, Joe.

00:40:26.000 Oh my God.

00:40:28.000 You should do that.

00:40:29.000 Look, I talked you into doing a podcast.

00:40:30.000 I'm going to talk you into doing this.

00:40:32.000 You have to.

00:40:33.000 Okay, Junebug.

00:40:34.000 I know you're going to see this.

00:40:35.000 Junebug, please.

00:40:36.000 You and your mom at the gym.

00:40:38.000 It'll be gigantic.

00:40:39.000 I'll help you.

00:40:40.000 I'll promote it.

00:40:41.000 I'll put it up on Twitter and Instagram.

00:40:42.000 Please do this.

00:40:44.000 Joe, he's going to kill me.

00:40:45.000 I got to go in there with a depend on.

00:40:48.000 Imagine if he gets you in crazy shape.

00:40:50.000 Imagine if you get to bikini shape.

00:40:52.000 Seriously.

00:40:53.000 I ain't been like that since the third grade.

00:41:00.000 I need a bikini shape.

00:41:02.000 I'm telling you, Joe.

00:41:03.000 Imagine if he could do that, though?

00:41:04.000 Imagine if he does that.

00:41:06.000 Joe, you don't know how happy I would be if I could just look straight down and see shit.

00:41:10.000 A lot of times, the food that you crave is the food that you eat.

00:41:13.000 So if you eat food that's not healthy for you, that's what you're craving all the time.

00:41:17.000 Your stomach gets used to it.

00:41:18.000 What they call your gut biome.

00:41:20.000 Your stomach bacteria wants sugar and bread and pasta.

00:41:24.000 As soon as you start eating healthy food, your body starts craving healthy food.

00:41:28.000 Your body will start craving salads and lean meat and chicken and fish.

00:41:32.000 That's all you eat, too.

00:41:33.000 Perfect.

00:41:33.000 And you know what else?

00:41:34.000 We don't drink water, but I do now.

00:41:36.000 He makes me drink water.

00:41:38.000 He literally called me, Mama.

00:41:39.000 Because I can do one liter a day.

00:41:41.000 I'm up to one liter.

00:41:42.000 What do you drink besides water?

00:41:44.000 I drink coffee in the morning, and after that, no more coffee.

00:41:47.000 I have to have one cup.

00:41:48.000 Coffee's fine.

00:41:49.000 Yeah, I do put sugar and cream in it.

00:41:51.000 I got full crack, baby.

00:41:52.000 I need something to calm my nerves.

00:41:54.000 I understand.

00:41:54.000 So I told my son, I can't give up my coffee right now.

00:41:57.000 So I drink coffee only in the morning, and then I drink all day.

00:42:01.000 I work on a liter of water, and he literally go through the house and tell us what we can and can't eat.

00:42:07.000 Which is, I be wanting to punch him in the face, but I am losing a few pounds with him.

00:42:11.000 Like, you know, I got these back wing arms like grandmama, and he's like, mama, I'm going to get all of that off of you.

00:42:17.000 Because he had fat arms too and big titties.

00:42:19.000 I mean, he lost all of it.

00:42:21.000 And I'm so proud of him.

00:42:23.000 You could do it too.

00:42:24.000 Yeah, because I was told him, I said, look, you're 19, you're on insurance to 26, they will give you weight loss surgery.

00:42:30.000 And he's like, I don't want that.

00:42:31.000 I said, son, go get the weight loss surgery.

00:42:32.000 Then I get your titties taken off and your stomach tuck.

00:42:35.000 He's like, mama, that don't sound like no manly thing.

00:42:40.000 Because I had it all planned out.

00:42:41.000 I was going to get his tummy tuck and his titties cut off.

00:42:44.000 And then I was going to get him weight loss surgery.

00:42:46.000 And my fat daughter, she fat.

00:42:47.000 And I said, I'm going to get your tummy tuck.

00:42:49.000 I'm going to get your stomach cut.

00:42:50.000 And then I'm going to buy you an ass because she have no ass.

00:42:53.000 And then I told my husband, he don't have no ass.

00:42:55.000 I was going to buy him an ass too.

00:42:56.000 Jesus Christ.

00:42:59.000 You're biting everybody asses.

00:43:01.000 You know what?

00:43:02.000 People are getting cancer from that.

00:43:04.000 Asses?

00:43:05.000 Yeah.

00:43:05.000 Not when they take the fat from you.

00:43:07.000 No, not when they take the fat.

00:43:08.000 We got a lot of fat.

00:43:09.000 They're getting cancer from the implants.

00:43:11.000 What, titties?

00:43:12.000 Ass implants.

00:43:13.000 Oh, I ain't gonna do no ass implants.

00:43:14.000 You didn't see my ass?

00:43:15.000 I got big ass.

00:43:16.000 You do.

00:43:16.000 There's no issue.

00:43:17.000 But some people who get ass implants, they're starting to get cancer.

00:43:21.000 Oh, really?

00:43:22.000 Because those ass implants are only a few years old.

00:43:24.000 You know what I don't understand?

00:43:25.000 I'm from the inner city of Atlanta.

00:43:27.000 When we was coming up, Joe, if you wanted titties and ass, they had this thing going around, and I did a podcast on it.

00:43:32.000 I said, black people didn't know what plastic surgery was.

00:43:35.000 So the deal was, you take that government butter, and you rub it on your titties and your ass, and they said it'll make it grow.

00:43:41.000 What?

00:43:42.000 Yeah.

00:43:42.000 I'm not lying to you.

00:43:43.000 That's what we used to do back in the day.

00:43:45.000 Did it work?

00:43:46.000 Look at me.

00:43:47.000 Yeah, but...

00:43:48.000 Look at me.

00:43:49.000 I don't think it's from the butter.

00:43:52.000 Everybody, I know rub butt on the ass.

00:43:58.000 You don't know that government, butter.

00:43:59.000 That shit won't melt up on the hot water, Joe.

00:44:02.000 It won't?

00:44:03.000 That's that shit they said to the ghetto to kill everybody.

00:44:08.000 Joe, I gotta tell you this story.

00:44:10.000 So one time we was in the tub and my neighbor was like, just put the butter on your titty and your ass.

00:44:15.000 We put the butter all on my mama.

00:44:16.000 She said, no, you bitches ain't got my butter on y'all.

00:44:19.000 You know that shit gotta last me 28 more days.

00:44:21.000 She took that stenchy card and she hit us and that motherfucker stuck in that butter.

00:44:26.000 She said, She gave us one of them wooden food.

00:44:28.000 She said, scrape my shit off you bitches.

00:44:30.000 We're not scraping her butter all off us.

00:44:32.000 She put that shit back in the refrigerator and she beat these shit out of us.

00:44:35.000 Oh my God.

00:44:36.000 She scraped the butter off your tits and put it back in the fridge?

00:44:41.000 We were poor.

00:44:41.000 We couldn't waste all that good butter, Joe.

00:44:43.000 Oh my god, that is hilarious.

00:44:46.000 She beat the shit out of us planting her butter.

00:44:48.000 Imagine if butter really did that.

00:44:50.000 All you had to do to get big tits and a big ass just rub butter on it.

00:44:53.000 Hey, I've had titties since the fourth grade, so that's when I did it.

00:44:57.000 I think you just have good genetics.

00:45:00.000 No, Joe, my mama didn't have no titties.

00:45:02.000 Yeah, but sometimes it doesn't get your mom, but it goes to you.

00:45:05.000 Joe, I'm trying to sell this government butter to keep these women.

00:45:09.000 Don't do that educational shit, Joe.

00:45:11.000 Don't break it all the way down for the ladies.

00:45:13.000 Let them try the butter before they try the poison.

00:45:15.000 Okay.

00:45:16.000 So go out and get you some good old government butter that won't melt and just sit on it like a fucking bird trying to hatch an egg.

00:45:24.000 Just sit on it.

00:45:25.000 Yeah, just rub it all on your booty and stuff.

00:45:27.000 And they just have a seat on it.

00:45:29.000 And hopefully it'll make your booties and titties grow.

00:45:31.000 Imagine if it did work.

00:45:33.000 Imagine if that worked.

00:45:34.000 There's a lot of questions on Yahoo, people asking that.

00:45:37.000 Does butter make your butt bigger?

00:45:39.000 And then I found a product on Amazon called Butt Butter.

00:45:46.000 Y'all be thinking I'm lying.

00:45:47.000 Butt enhancement cream for smoother, fuller, and firmer skin.

00:45:50.000 I don't know if that's what I had when I was coming up.

00:45:53.000 Natural butt enhancement cream for women and men.

00:45:56.000 Plump booty enhancer lotion.

00:45:59.000 Butt firming and tightening cream.

00:46:01.000 Sexy butt.

00:46:02.000 Was it?

00:46:02.000 Hold on.

00:46:03.000 I'm sorry.

00:46:04.000 It was sexy butt lifter cream.

00:46:06.000 Butt enlarger cream.

00:46:07.000 This is horse shit.

00:46:08.000 Most likely.

00:46:09.000 It's got four stars.

00:46:10.000 Somebody grew an ass from it.

00:46:12.000 Nah, it's a bunch of people that are assholes that work for the company.

00:46:16.000 They're reviewing it.

00:46:18.000 364 custom reviews.

00:46:20.000 Hold on.

00:46:20.000 Click that.

00:46:23.000 I need to read these.

00:46:26.000 Good one or a bad one?

00:46:27.000 The good ones.

00:46:28.000 Adding to my flat booty.

00:46:30.000 In my family, I inherited flat butt syndrome.

00:46:36.000 It's embarrassing.

00:46:38.000 It's embarrassing to have your butt hurt because you have no padding when you sit and have your pants fall because there's nothing in the back to hold them up.

00:46:49.000 After a week, I def notice something extra in the back I'll keep using.

00:46:54.000 That's the people that you want to buy your butt cream because they're morons.

00:46:58.000 That's like people that give money to preachers that fly in private jets.

00:47:02.000 Yeah, and that's crazy.

00:47:04.000 That don't work.

00:47:04.000 But I'm telling you, government butt will work, Joe.

00:47:07.000 I'm telling you.

00:47:08.000 Look at this.

00:47:09.000 Who would have known it works faster on your breast than on your butt, but it's work buying more.

00:47:14.000 This is not real.

00:47:15.000 It is real.

00:47:16.000 Look at me.

00:47:16.000 I'm a 48. Look at you with the glasses.

00:47:20.000 Yelling at me.

00:47:24.000 I can't see shit, Joe.

00:47:27.000 It's hilarious though!

00:47:29.000 When you're yelling with those giant glasses on, it's so funny!

00:47:32.000 I'm telling you.

00:47:33.000 Oh my god, but listen, these fucking, the people that are writing these reviews, not only does it work...

00:47:38.000 That's it.

00:47:39.000 Works.

00:47:39.000 Not only does it works, it increased my breast size.

00:47:43.000 They probably should change the name to Breast and Butt Enhancement Butter.

00:47:47.000 I know it for the butt.

00:47:48.000 I know it for the butt.

00:47:49.000 So I figured, let me see, will it do anything for my breast since it's, in quotes, all natural.

00:47:56.000 So I did so.

00:47:58.000 Within a week, my breast was fuller.

00:48:01.000 Last time I seen them this size was right before it was time to breastfeed.

00:48:06.000 My baby is now nine years old.

00:48:11.000 So imagine what we was doing in the ghetto.

00:48:14.000 I'm telling you, that thick ass butter.

00:48:16.000 Maybe it does work.

00:48:19.000 Watch how many people who know what I'm talking about from the South say, Joe, we did that.

00:48:24.000 And it worked.

00:48:25.000 I assume I grew titties and butt.

00:48:27.000 Well, you should have done it on one titty.

00:48:29.000 Didn't it?

00:48:30.000 What?

00:48:30.000 Just to see.

00:48:31.000 No, Joe, I wanted them to be even.

00:48:33.000 I know, but there's only one way to find out if it actually works.

00:48:36.000 One cheek, one tit.

00:48:37.000 You balance it out.

00:48:38.000 Left cheek, right tit.

00:48:40.000 Well, I'm going to find that butt butter and rub it on my crack baby, one of her titties, and see if they grow uneven.

00:48:45.000 Just don't even tell them what you're doing.

00:48:46.000 Just put it on one titty.

00:48:49.000 Okay, I'm gonna have to get her to do it.

00:48:50.000 I don't think I feel appropriate.

00:48:52.000 Yeah, how old is she now?

00:48:53.000 She's nine.

00:48:54.000 Yeah, it's too late.

00:48:54.000 No, no, she's...

00:48:56.000 When they're like four, you can do it?

00:48:57.000 You have a five-year-old I can test it on.

00:48:59.000 But she already got a big-ass booty.

00:49:01.000 Oh, well.

00:49:02.000 Yeah, but I'm gonna get some of that and see if it worked.

00:49:05.000 My husband will kill me.

00:49:06.000 Imagine if that was...

00:49:08.000 I don't know if it's true, but I don't think it is.

00:49:10.000 It doesn't make sense, but then again, I'm not a scientist.

00:49:12.000 I'm telling you, it's like that peanut butter that they used to send to the ghetto to choke nigger rolls out.

00:49:16.000 What?

00:49:23.000 I love you.

00:49:24.000 Well, I love you too.

00:49:26.000 What did they do?

00:49:27.000 That peanut butter that they used to send to the government used to give black people peanut butter to choke them out because they didn't want to choke them out.

00:49:33.000 That thick-ass peanut butter, you had to heat it in the microwave and heat it on the stove like you about to cook a scrambled egg for it to thin out so you can spread it on the sandwich.

00:49:41.000 Really?

00:49:42.000 Yeah!

00:49:43.000 Then they found out later on they were going to kill us.

00:49:45.000 It was thick as fuck.

00:49:47.000 It came in a can.

00:49:49.000 Yeah.

00:49:49.000 The government peanut butter, Google it!

00:49:51.000 There was some dude on Instagram who was in school, some kid in school, and they were, you know, they feed him cheese sandwiches for lunch, and he was lighting the cheese sandwich, he was like, look at this cheese!

00:50:01.000 Look at this shit!

00:50:02.000 And he's lighting, he's got a lighter to it, it would not melt.

00:50:05.000 It was just turning black.

00:50:06.000 It was just getting black from the smoke from the lighter.

00:50:08.000 It was not melting.

00:50:10.000 It wasn't cheese.

00:50:11.000 He's like, what the fuck kind of cheese is this?

00:50:12.000 Yeah.

00:50:13.000 It wasn't real cheese.

00:50:16.000 There's this parts of America That the government ignores, right?

00:50:20.000 Yeah, me.

00:50:21.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:50:23.000 You got through.

00:50:24.000 I got through.

00:50:25.000 You made it through the net.

00:50:26.000 Yeah, but then they only come to you when they need your vote.

00:50:30.000 They only come to the...

00:50:32.000 Like black pastors.

00:50:33.000 They like black pastors.

00:50:34.000 You know, that's why I don't go to church.

00:50:36.000 I tell them all the time, I'm tired of church's chicken.

00:50:38.000 You get more for your money.

00:50:40.000 Church's chicken's better?

00:50:42.000 Yeah.

00:50:43.000 $2 Tuesday, get you two pieces of chicken and a biscuit.

00:50:45.000 What you talking about, y'all?

00:50:48.000 But leave that Popeye's alone on Tuesday and go to churches.

00:50:51.000 Yeah, but did they have the spicy?

00:50:53.000 Yeah, they got spices now, yeah.

00:50:56.000 That's the thing that Popeye separated from everybody else.

00:50:57.000 I'm not giving no pastor my money.

00:51:00.000 Good for you.

00:51:00.000 And riding out there.

00:51:01.000 I mean, hey, the Bible is free.

00:51:03.000 They in every hotel.

00:51:04.000 Just steal the Bible out of the hotel like everybody else used to.

00:51:06.000 I'm not going to give you my money.

00:51:08.000 Now you out here buying jets and shit and I'm struggling.

00:51:11.000 Now you fucking the hoes in church.

00:51:13.000 You ain't sharing the hoes in church no more.

00:51:15.000 They're fucking the hoes in church?

00:51:16.000 Oh yeah, they beat some fucking...

00:51:18.000 I don't know.

00:51:19.000 I don't go to church.

00:51:20.000 The hoes go to church with no underwear on to get the pastor.

00:51:23.000 No.

00:51:23.000 Oh, fuck the first lady.

00:51:24.000 They don't care about the first lady no more.

00:51:26.000 Really?

00:51:27.000 Yeah.

00:51:27.000 The hoes wear no underwear in church to lure the pastor in?

00:51:31.000 Yeah.

00:51:32.000 Really?

00:51:33.000 The pastor's as sexy as fuck.

00:51:34.000 Remember back in the day?

00:51:36.000 Well, you might not remember because you white, but back in the day, the pastor...

00:51:39.000 Back in the day, the pastor was ugly.

00:51:43.000 All the pastors were ugly like T.D. Jakes.

00:51:45.000 They was unfuckable.

00:51:46.000 But now they all sexy.

00:51:48.000 Oh.

00:51:49.000 Now they all sexy.

00:51:50.000 I mean, everybody won't fuck the past.

00:51:51.000 You know, that's what they said when they made Catholic preachers become celibate.

00:51:56.000 One of the reasons why they made them become celibate is because the Catholic preachers were banging all the ladies.

00:52:00.000 Really?

00:52:01.000 Yeah, they were like rock stars.

00:52:02.000 Because they were the ones who had the word of God.

00:52:04.000 And this was before anyone could read the Bible because it was all in Latin.

00:52:08.000 So they didn't know how to read Latin.

00:52:10.000 So they relied on these priests to read it.

00:52:13.000 Look at Joel Osteen.

00:52:14.000 Yes.

00:52:15.000 He's fuckable.

00:52:16.000 Oh, yeah.

00:52:17.000 I would imagine so.

00:52:18.000 He's good looking.

00:52:18.000 Yeah.

00:52:18.000 Do you think he gets some?

00:52:20.000 I give him some.

00:52:23.000 And not in Jesus' name, either.

00:52:25.000 No.

00:52:26.000 No one's name.

00:52:26.000 He's sexy.

00:52:27.000 Do you give him some?

00:52:28.000 Shit.

00:52:29.000 I don't even do white men.

00:52:30.000 Nah.

00:52:30.000 But I would do Joel Osteen.

00:52:32.000 In the pulpit.

00:52:34.000 Do you think he gets some?

00:52:35.000 He got a wife.

00:52:36.000 Yeah, but other than her.

00:52:38.000 Hell yeah!

00:52:39.000 Think he gets him on the side?

00:52:40.000 I'll be inside, bitch!

00:52:46.000 Don't y'all come fucking with me by Joe Austin.

00:52:50.000 I'll be inside, bitch!

00:52:52.000 And I let him call me that, too.

00:52:54.000 Wow.

00:52:54.000 Yeah, you pay the bill.

00:52:56.000 Look at him.

00:52:57.000 He cute.

00:52:58.000 And he ain't aged at all.

00:53:00.000 Look at that forehead of hell.

00:53:03.000 He's sexy.

00:53:04.000 How old is he?

00:53:04.000 He is.

00:53:06.000 50?

00:53:06.000 I bet he does have a six-pack, right?

00:53:08.000 Yeah, he got a six-pack.

00:53:10.000 Was that his wife in the upper right-hand corner?

00:53:13.000 Go back.

00:53:14.000 56?

00:53:15.000 Looks good for 56. For a white man?

00:53:17.000 Is that his wife?

00:53:18.000 She's hot.

00:53:20.000 Yeah, she has some plastic surgery, too.

00:53:21.000 Let's just say it's his wife.

00:53:22.000 Kapow.

00:53:23.000 Yeah, he good-looking.

00:53:25.000 Take that, Joel.

00:53:26.000 Joel is good-looking.

00:53:27.000 He's got a goddamn arena.

00:53:30.000 They are the new drug dealers.

00:53:32.000 They're the new pimps.

00:53:33.000 Remember pimps had holes and they go on the corner and slap their holes and get their money?

00:53:37.000 Well, the church is like that now.

00:53:38.000 That's all it is.

00:53:39.000 He does it in Vegas at the same arena where the UFC plays.

00:53:43.000 I thought he was in Dallas.

00:53:45.000 He goes all over the place.

00:53:46.000 He goes on the road sometimes.

00:53:48.000 Oh yeah, they go on the road now.

00:53:49.000 I think he's in Houston or Dallas.

00:53:51.000 Somewhere in Texas.

00:53:52.000 Houston.

00:53:53.000 So he does that, but he also does giant arenas on the road.

00:53:56.000 He does the T-Mobile Center where the UFC plays.

00:54:00.000 Look at that.

00:54:01.000 The size of that place.

00:54:02.000 Nah, you can keep that.

00:54:04.000 How many of those bitches in the audience have no underwear on?

00:54:06.000 Probably about 60%.

00:54:08.000 No.

00:54:17.000 I'm crazy.

00:54:22.000 Joe, I stopped going to church when they started charging for meals.

00:54:26.000 I don't fuck with no church.

00:54:27.000 Oh my God, I can't breathe.

00:54:29.000 You ain't noticed that?

00:54:31.000 I didn't know that they were banging that many.

00:54:32.000 Go to church and smell the front row.

00:54:38.000 Does it smell like an oyster bar?

00:54:39.000 Yeah.

00:54:41.000 It smells like ovulation.

00:54:43.000 Ovulation.

00:54:44.000 Yes.

00:54:45.000 They try to, hey, that's how you have a baby by a man like Joe Onstein.

00:54:48.000 He can pay the child's vote on time.

00:54:51.000 I would imagine if you're the type of person that wants that much money, right?

00:54:56.000 You want that much money, you want private jets, you want big houses, you're going to want some extra pussy.

00:55:01.000 Hell yeah!

00:55:03.000 Yeah.

00:55:03.000 He gonna get tired of banging the same plastic face white woman.

00:55:06.000 She look good.

00:55:07.000 Yeah!

00:55:08.000 He's gonna get tired of her?

00:55:09.000 But he want somebody like me with the titties that move on the inside.

00:55:12.000 Move on the inside?

00:55:13.000 Yeah, you know, I got the real titties, so my shit go all over the place.

00:55:16.000 Oh, and hers are...

00:55:17.000 Yeah, they just firm.

00:55:18.000 They just one position, up straight.

00:55:20.000 That's weird that people like that.

00:55:22.000 They like them hard and erect.

00:55:23.000 Yeah, I got them titties you gotta pick up and dust off.

00:55:27.000 Slop them around?

00:55:28.000 No, dust, because everything I eat fall in my bra.

00:55:30.000 Oh, God.

00:55:35.000 I like how I've grossed you out today.

00:55:37.000 You don't gross me out, I'm laughing.

00:55:39.000 You gonna be at home like, no, this bitch, you.

00:55:42.000 I'm telling you, sometimes just the other podcasts we've done, I'd stop in the middle of the day and go, what the fuck?

00:55:49.000 Thinking about me?

00:55:50.000 Yes.

00:55:51.000 Some of the shit, well, mostly about the tragedies, mostly about your childhood.

00:55:55.000 It's funny now, Joe.

00:55:56.000 It's just that I took, you know, I say on stage, I said, when you can laugh at what you've been through, then you got control of it.

00:56:05.000 Yes.

00:56:06.000 The only reason why I can laugh about being shy, and I even, my husband hates this bit I do.

00:56:11.000 I do a bit about my first kid's father, you know, giving me crabs, gunnery, and fleas.

00:56:16.000 I'm He gave me fleas?

00:56:21.000 Jesus Christ.

00:56:22.000 He gave me a combo with no toy.

00:56:26.000 Fucking fleas?

00:56:28.000 I mean, people get crabs.

00:56:29.000 I get it.

00:56:30.000 But when someone gives you fleas, like, what the fuck?

00:56:32.000 But back in those days, the health department would come and pick you up and say, hey, your pussy on fire.

00:56:37.000 We need to put it out.

00:56:39.000 They pick you up?

00:56:40.000 Yeah, they used to pick you up in a lot all the time.

00:56:42.000 How would they know?

00:56:42.000 Because he gave somebody else crap going around fleas.

00:56:45.000 So some bitch would report everybody he was messing with.

00:56:48.000 And I was always on that list.

00:56:49.000 Oh, Jesus.

00:56:50.000 So I was like, how can you tell people that?

00:56:51.000 I think it's funny that they used to come get me and me and the health department man had a relationship.

00:56:56.000 Now, we weren't sleeping together.

00:56:57.000 He just said, hey, your pussy was on the list again.

00:57:08.000 And my husband's like, how can you tell people that?

00:57:10.000 I said, I think it's fucking hilarious.

00:57:12.000 I don't have an STD now.

00:57:14.000 But I was young, you know?

00:57:16.000 It was simple shit.

00:57:18.000 Gunnery, you get a shot in your ass.

00:57:19.000 And I remember they came one time, Joe.

00:57:22.000 And they knocked on the door and I said, oh my God, you here?

00:57:25.000 I thought you was going to let me burn up.

00:57:26.000 He's like, you puss on the list.

00:57:27.000 I'm here to put it out.

00:57:28.000 Psss!

00:57:32.000 So...

00:57:33.000 So my...

00:57:34.000 Is that what he would say?

00:57:35.000 Would he actually say your pussy's on the list?

00:57:37.000 Pretty much.

00:57:38.000 He would call it your pussy.

00:57:39.000 He would say your pussy's on the list.

00:57:40.000 No, he said your pussy been reported.

00:57:42.000 Your pussy been reported!

00:57:45.000 So, my kid's father was there.

00:57:47.000 I was like, let's go together and get cured.

00:57:48.000 He's like, uh-uh.

00:57:49.000 I don't want to go.

00:57:49.000 Somebody might see me.

00:57:50.000 So, this is what he told me.

00:57:52.000 He said, look, it was gonorrhea.

00:57:53.000 When you have gonorrhea, you either get a shot or you take pills for seven days.

00:57:56.000 So, he said, look, go on to the health department, but don't get the shot.

00:58:00.000 Get the pills so we can split them.

00:58:01.000 So, I'm so stupid.

00:58:03.000 I come back and split the seven-day pills with them.

00:58:05.000 We still both got half a gonorrhea.

00:58:07.000 Jesus Christ!

00:58:09.000 Oh my god.

00:58:11.000 We didn't take the medication all the way.

00:58:13.000 Oh my god.

00:58:14.000 That's how stupid I was.

00:58:15.000 That is so crazy.

00:58:16.000 My husband's like, why you tell people this shit?

00:58:18.000 And everybody always think he gave me gun a rip and shot me and beat me.

00:58:22.000 Like, can you please tell these people I didn't do this shit to you?

00:58:24.000 How does he deal with you having this act?

00:58:27.000 Like when you go on stage and talk about all this shit, how does he handle it?

00:58:30.000 Does he cover his ears?

00:58:31.000 He only seen me once.

00:58:33.000 What?

00:58:34.000 He won't come see me, Joe.

00:58:35.000 Come on.

00:58:36.000 He came to see me with Cat Williams accent when I was opening up for Cat Williams.

00:58:42.000 But that's the only time.

00:58:44.000 He's got to know that you're funny as fuck.

00:58:48.000 How does he not want to see that?

00:58:49.000 He don't want to see it, Joe.

00:58:51.000 Well, tell him to come to the comedy store tonight because you're going to be there for the 1030 show.

00:58:54.000 Hell yeah, I am, but he's in Indianapolis.

00:58:57.000 He'll watch your fucking podcast and tell my daughter, oh, she was so fucking funny.

00:59:00.000 But he's not going to directly say to me, you was so fucking funny.

00:59:04.000 But he's my biggest cheerleader.

00:59:05.000 I mean, you know, I've been doing this 17 years.

00:59:08.000 You know how many times I had to max that man's credit card out to go and do a guest spot?

00:59:13.000 So, you know, but he would not come see me.

00:59:15.000 He's like, look, I live with you.

00:59:17.000 I hear this shit every day.

00:59:21.000 But he gives me back.

00:59:23.000 Like, he's funny to me.

00:59:24.000 Like I told you, he said, not today.

00:59:25.000 I don't want to pussy today.

00:59:26.000 Not at all.

00:59:26.000 Yeah, not at all.

00:59:28.000 He say some of the funniest shit.

00:59:31.000 But he's, you know...

00:59:33.000 I can't believe he's only seen you do comedy once, though.

00:59:35.000 That's crazy.

00:59:35.000 One time out of 17 years.

00:59:37.000 That's a good one, though, to open for Cat Williams.

00:59:39.000 Are you still in touch with Cat?

00:59:40.000 No, but I love Cat.

00:59:41.000 Can't nobody tell me shit about Cat Williams.

00:59:43.000 I'm a big fan.

00:59:44.000 When my daddy died, and I just got a job with Cat Williams, he walked in and he was like, what are you doing?

00:59:49.000 I said, my daddy died.

00:59:51.000 Like two days before he called me on a tour.

00:59:53.000 And I said, I'm just trying to get this money together to raise him.

00:59:55.000 Cat Williams go to the bank and come at me with a stack of money.

00:59:58.000 He gave me like four grand to bury my daddy.

01:00:01.000 And I was like, you don't have to do this.

01:00:02.000 And I was like, I'll work for you.

01:00:04.000 He's like, look, no, go bury your daddy.

01:00:06.000 Because before he did that, I was about to put my fucking daddy in a potato sack and stick him in the ground.

01:00:11.000 Because we ain't got no money.

01:00:12.000 And I tried to do the fish fry in the white neighborhood.

01:00:15.000 They don't know nothing about no fucking fish fry on no Tuesday.

01:00:18.000 And Cat Williams gave me the money to bury him.

01:00:20.000 That's awesome.

01:00:21.000 Yeah, so can't nobody tell me shit about Cat Williams.

01:00:23.000 He's crazy, but he's funny as fuck.

01:00:25.000 He's one of my favorites all the time.

01:00:27.000 And he tell the fucking truth, too.

01:00:29.000 If you go back to the Pimp Chronicles, he's in his prime.

01:00:33.000 Those are some of the best specials ever.

01:00:35.000 Yes.

01:00:36.000 He's a funny motherfucker, and he's so original.

01:00:39.000 So original.

01:00:39.000 That is him.

01:00:40.000 You know what I mean?

01:00:41.000 His delivery, his style, everything.

01:00:44.000 I love him.

01:00:45.000 Can't nobody tell me shit about no Cat William.

01:00:47.000 Because of Cat William, I was able to finish my basement after that tour.

01:00:51.000 He gave me some, not gave me, but he gave some great advice once about comedy.

01:00:56.000 One of the things he said is, don't eat before you go on stage.

01:00:59.000 And I was like, yeah, why would you?

01:01:00.000 You don't eat before you fight.

01:01:02.000 Why would you eat before you go on stage?

01:01:04.000 Because it causes your body, your body when you eat, has to break down that food so it's using up energy.

01:01:10.000 Like some of the energy that you would have to do stand-up is now breaking down that food in your body.

01:01:16.000 That's why I be about to fall asleep on stage.

01:01:18.000 Yes!

01:01:19.000 Yes!

01:01:20.000 Shit!

01:01:21.000 I gotta stop eating!

01:01:22.000 Just don't eat right before you go on stage.

01:01:23.000 Just eat afterwards.

01:01:25.000 Okay.

01:01:26.000 Yeah, I mean, I listened to him and I was like, that makes so much sense.

01:01:28.000 And also, he has a playlist of music that he plays right before he goes on stage.

01:01:33.000 Like, sets it up.

01:01:34.000 Like, puts him in the mood to go on stage.

01:01:38.000 Yeah, I do that, too.

01:01:39.000 I do that, too.

01:01:40.000 I like a lot of...

01:01:41.000 I want to say Outkast, but that ain't what I'm going for.

01:01:48.000 Who the fuck can rap out of this?

01:01:50.000 Carly B. Oh, that little nasty thing.

01:01:53.000 That's what I would be if I had a body like that.

01:01:56.000 Oh my God, that girl got a tongue that'll drag and float.

01:02:00.000 She's that person in my head that I want to be.

01:02:02.000 I listen to a lot of Carly B. I like her.

01:02:05.000 Maybe you can get that body.

01:02:08.000 Maybe Junebug get you in that gym.

01:02:12.000 Get on that elliptical machine.

01:02:14.000 Come on.

01:02:15.000 Junebug, we're going to need you to help your mom out.

01:02:17.000 Come on, Junebug.

01:02:17.000 And stop your mom from peeing on herself.

01:02:21.000 Just change up the diet.

01:02:23.000 I'm working.

01:02:23.000 I swear the next time you see me, I'm going to look like you.

01:02:27.000 Don't do that.

01:02:29.000 If you didn't go too hard, I'll tell you to go to a different doctor.

01:02:34.000 I'm lying.

01:02:35.000 But if you did that, I'm telling you, if you did a video with your son and your son getting you to the gym and did that regularly on YouTube, Junebug and Miss Pat.

01:02:46.000 Just do that.

01:02:47.000 That shit would be hilarious.

01:02:49.000 It would be so funny.

01:02:50.000 Because, you know, I curse my kids out.

01:02:52.000 Well, especially when they're making you do shit that you don't want to do, like working out, like doing sit-ups and shit and squats and all that.

01:02:58.000 Spread my legs wide that ain't never been used that way since the 80s.

01:03:04.000 Exactly.

01:03:04.000 You about to rip my butthole.

01:03:06.000 Exactly.

01:03:08.000 Junebug, we doing it.

01:03:09.000 Do it.

01:03:10.000 Do it.

01:03:10.000 Definitely do it.

01:03:13.000 I bring one of those Bluetooth speaker things with me.

01:03:19.000 I have one of those JPL extremes.

01:03:21.000 I bring that with me and I put it in the green room and play music.

01:03:25.000 I usually listen to music on my...

01:03:27.000 You talking about before performing?

01:03:28.000 Yeah.

01:03:28.000 No, I listen to music on my headphone.

01:03:30.000 On your phone, yeah.

01:03:32.000 But you get yourself in the mood.

01:03:33.000 Do you have a drink before you go on stage?

01:03:35.000 I don't drink alcohol.

01:03:36.000 At all?

01:03:36.000 No.

01:03:37.000 Nothing?

01:03:38.000 What about weed?

01:03:39.000 I don't do any weed.

01:03:40.000 No drug.

01:03:40.000 You don't smoke any weed?

01:03:41.000 Nothing?

01:03:41.000 I grew up in a crack environment.

01:03:44.000 I understand.

01:03:45.000 I just don't...

01:03:46.000 I mean...

01:03:46.000 You don't need it.

01:03:47.000 Alcohol does nothing for me.

01:03:49.000 It makes me sleepy.

01:03:50.000 And my mama was an alcoholic.

01:03:53.000 And I used to always say, I'm going to be nothing like this bitch.

01:03:56.000 And so...

01:03:59.000 Mission accomplished.

01:04:00.000 Yeah, so I don't do it.

01:04:01.000 My whole family drink, and I just don't do it.

01:04:04.000 I don't smoke weed.

01:04:06.000 I was just telling them earlier, like Junebug tried to smoke weed one time with his white friends, but they were so stupid, Joe.

01:04:13.000 They didn't know how to roll the weed, so they got the copier paper off the machine and rolled the weed in there.

01:04:19.000 Oh, God.

01:04:20.000 Yeah, and Tommy lit it.

01:04:21.000 It just burnt, and all the weed fell in his chest, and I beat the dog shit out of Junebug.

01:04:26.000 Yeah.

01:04:27.000 And I told him, I don't buy enough grocery for you to create an appetite.

01:04:30.000 You're already fucking fat.

01:04:32.000 Oh my God.

01:04:33.000 And I just told my kids when they was young, I said, look, I told my son I kill.

01:04:36.000 I said, look, I get food stamps and I don't get enough food stamps for your weed habit.

01:04:40.000 So we're not going to do drugs.

01:04:42.000 We're not going to join gangs.

01:04:43.000 We're not going to do drugs.

01:04:44.000 It's us, motherfucker.

01:04:46.000 So we're not going to do it.

01:04:47.000 So, but Junebug is the only kid I ever had that really tried to dab into weed.

01:04:51.000 That's a weird way to do it, though.

01:04:53.000 Copy paper.

01:04:55.000 It's terrible for you.

01:04:56.000 They would go to the ghetto and buy the weed out of where I live at.

01:05:00.000 They would go over to the ghetto.

01:05:01.000 So I said, Juma, how much weed do you buy?

01:05:03.000 1.5 grams.

01:05:05.000 What the hell is that?

01:05:06.000 I don't know.

01:05:08.000 And I called the police on them.

01:05:11.000 What are you?

01:05:12.000 I did.

01:05:12.000 I called the police on him to shake him up, right?

01:05:14.000 You called the police on him?

01:05:16.000 Yeah, but I said, hey, we black, so leave your guns in the car.

01:05:18.000 So come over here and shake my son up.

01:05:20.000 The police get over there.

01:05:21.000 The police and Junebug's son go to school together.

01:05:24.000 This motherfucker come over there and start crying.

01:05:25.000 We love you, Junebug.

01:05:27.000 I said, I didn't call you over to fucking cry.

01:05:29.000 Now we all cry.

01:05:30.000 I was crying.

01:05:32.000 So that didn't help.

01:05:33.000 But eventually, I think he's going to start smoking now.

01:05:36.000 He's going to stop or start?

01:05:38.000 I think he stopped.

01:05:39.000 I ran off all his friends.

01:05:41.000 I told him, I said, look, your white son just lost his only black friend.

01:05:45.000 I'm going to fuck your white baby up.

01:05:46.000 Bring him back over here with the weed.

01:05:51.000 Then do more like everybody at my school say you a snitch.

01:05:54.000 I said, fuck him.

01:05:54.000 I whooped them white boys ass.

01:05:55.000 Listen, you're a snitch.

01:05:59.000 Because I called our parents over.

01:06:01.000 I called all the parents.

01:06:02.000 I said, they over here smoking weed.

01:06:04.000 And looking at some little white girl pussy on the phone.

01:06:06.000 I said, Junebug, you black.

01:06:07.000 You know how much time you need for this white pussy floating on these phones?

01:06:10.000 Oh, like a girl from the school?

01:06:12.000 Yeah.

01:06:12.000 Yeah, you can get in trouble for that.

01:06:13.000 Yeah, so I put the Chromecast, the picture.

01:06:17.000 And I called all the parents.

01:06:18.000 I said, who white baby pussy is this?

01:06:20.000 Oh my God.

01:06:21.000 You put it on the TV? Yeah, I put it on the TV. They was pissed off at me.

01:06:25.000 Look, keep these bitches away from Junebug.

01:06:27.000 Junebug in 10th grade.

01:06:28.000 They little dick.

01:06:28.000 It's real, real small right now.

01:06:30.000 He's fat.

01:06:31.000 Trying to kill my baby.

01:06:32.000 Trying to get my baby locked up for some white pussy.

01:06:34.000 You don't fuck with white pussy.

01:06:35.000 You ain't got enough dick and you ain't got enough sense.

01:06:37.000 Oh, my God.

01:06:38.000 So?

01:06:40.000 So you had the parents come over and you had it on the television.

01:06:43.000 I said, who white pussy this is?

01:06:44.000 What the fuck did they say?

01:06:46.000 I can't believe you did this.

01:06:48.000 What the fuck you mean?

01:06:49.000 It was on their phone.

01:06:50.000 Your son looking at it, too.

01:06:52.000 They stormed up out of there.

01:06:54.000 They stormed up out.

01:06:55.000 They wouldn't speak to me at no...

01:06:57.000 Now, fuck y'all.

01:06:58.000 I don't need no friends.

01:06:59.000 Oh my God.

01:07:00.000 I said, don't you ever in your life violate no girl.

01:07:03.000 She gave it to one of the football players.

01:07:04.000 He just passed it around to everybody.

01:07:06.000 Of course.

01:07:06.000 Yeah, and I told him, I said, June Buck, think about it if it was your sister Garriano.

01:07:09.000 He's like, Mama, Garriano ain't getting naked.

01:07:11.000 And if they did, couldn't nobody see nothing.

01:07:13.000 Oh, Jesus.

01:07:14.000 Yeah.

01:07:17.000 But that's just the stuff I went through.

01:07:20.000 He's the only one that ever really tried me.

01:07:22.000 Because my other kids, you know, I tell my crack baby, I say, look, I'm going to take you out in public.

01:07:27.000 But you got an option.

01:07:28.000 Do you want the ghetto mom or do you want the soccer mom?

01:07:31.000 And they don't like the ghetto mom.

01:07:32.000 Because the ghetto mom would knock the shit out of them in public.

01:07:35.000 And I give them an option.

01:07:37.000 And we get in public.

01:07:37.000 And white people always come to me like, oh, my God, your kids are so well disciplined.

01:07:42.000 I said, I told them I was gonna fuck them up.

01:07:46.000 What did they say when you said that?

01:07:47.000 They just looked like, what?

01:07:48.000 I said, you should fuck your kids up too.

01:07:52.000 I tell them, I said, I will fuck you up.

01:07:55.000 Don't play with me.

01:07:56.000 I feed you.

01:07:57.000 When we was coming back from the Disney cruise, they was all playing with those little things that separate, you know, when you're in line.

01:08:02.000 So I told them like three, four times, stop.

01:08:04.000 It was my grandbaby and it was the full crack baby.

01:08:06.000 So they wouldn't stop, Joe.

01:08:08.000 I slapped all of them at the same time.

01:08:11.000 All the white people were like, what the fuck?

01:08:13.000 I said, what you looking at me for?

01:08:14.000 You want some too?

01:08:16.000 I ask them to stop by four times.

01:08:17.000 Don't play with me.

01:08:18.000 You know my nerves bad.

01:08:19.000 I've been shot a couple times.

01:08:20.000 Y'all motherfucking know I'm crazy.

01:08:21.000 And I just tell them that.

01:08:23.000 They good kids.

01:08:24.000 They good kids now.

01:08:25.000 Oh, they know I fuck them up.

01:08:28.000 I have a lot of bits about them because, like, I do this bit about, I used to do this bit about the teacher's school calling me all the time.

01:08:35.000 White schools call you for anything.

01:08:37.000 Anything, Joe.

01:08:38.000 I mean, just dumb shit.

01:08:39.000 Black school, we tell them, look, bitch, that's your child at 230. Don't you wake me up.

01:08:43.000 So one of the bitches I used to tell, they called me by my niece Yolanda because she was sitting at the crayon table with her little white friends and they were talking about their daddies.

01:08:52.000 So Yolanda said, well the next time I see my daddy, I'm going to stab him in the neck.

01:08:56.000 And all the white kids started crying.

01:08:58.000 And they asked me to come up there in an emergency, to come up there to talk to them.

01:09:01.000 I get up there, I'm like, ma'am, she can't stab her daddy in the neck.

01:09:04.000 The nigga in jail, somebody else is going to stab him in the neck.

01:09:06.000 Don't wake me up for this bullshit.

01:09:10.000 So they don't know how to handle anything.

01:09:13.000 And I had to set the school down.

01:09:15.000 I said, look, these kids are from the hood.

01:09:16.000 They only talk and do what they know.

01:09:18.000 You got to give me time to help them grow.

01:09:20.000 But then they wanted to put them on medication.

01:09:22.000 I said, what we wouldn't...

01:09:23.000 Medication?

01:09:23.000 Yeah, because they didn't know how to deal with them.

01:09:24.000 They had so, so much.

01:09:26.000 Like their mama was into whoring.

01:09:28.000 Their daddy was into drugs.

01:09:29.000 Their daddy was beating on their mom.

01:09:30.000 And they didn't know how to handle them.

01:09:32.000 And I said, look, we're going to help them grow together.

01:09:34.000 I said, well, what we're not going to do, we're not going to put these kids on medication.

01:09:38.000 What we're going to do is surround them with love.

01:09:41.000 They so good now.

01:09:42.000 Out of five years, this baby just now passing the I-STEP test.

01:09:46.000 It took a minute to get there, but he's finally there.

01:09:51.000 What's ISTEP? Those standardized tests they give kids.

01:09:55.000 And the kids just wasn't ready.

01:09:57.000 And you know, I threw them in this neighborhood.

01:09:58.000 I threw them in an environment that they wasn't used to.

01:10:01.000 And then, you know, they talk their language.

01:10:02.000 You see how country I am?

01:10:03.000 Well, they talk straight streets.

01:10:05.000 Sometimes I'm like, what the fuck are y'all talking about?

01:10:08.000 We bowdy-bowdy.

01:10:09.000 No, the fuck you ain't.

01:10:09.000 You better sit there before I bust you across your head.

01:10:11.000 We bowdy-bowdy?

01:10:12.000 Yeah, they ready to rumble.

01:10:14.000 They ready to fight.

01:10:15.000 The little boy was like, I'm bowdy-bowdy.

01:10:16.000 I said, put your fucking finger down before I break it.

01:10:19.000 But I had to retrain him because what he saw in the hood wasn't going at my nice little white school.

01:10:24.000 Right.

01:10:25.000 No.

01:10:25.000 Well, they're adapting.

01:10:27.000 Well, they're good now.

01:10:28.000 They're good now.

01:10:28.000 But imagine all the kids that don't, and you can imagine because it was you, but all the kids who don't have someone like you.

01:10:34.000 Well, my niece is 20 years old, 21, and she's six kids, and she's in jail for 20 years for knocking on people's door and robbing them.

01:10:42.000 So her kids is in a situation.

01:10:44.000 So just imagine all the kids.

01:10:46.000 I think about it all the time, especially when it's my family member.

01:10:49.000 But, Joe, I had to realize this.

01:10:51.000 I can't save the world.

01:10:52.000 You can't save everybody.

01:10:54.000 It's impossible.

01:10:54.000 I try to save one at a time, and that's all I can do.

01:10:57.000 That's all you can do.

01:10:58.000 Yeah.

01:10:59.000 That is all you can do.

01:10:59.000 I can't save the world.

01:11:01.000 I mean, I can't live if I keep trying to save the world.

01:11:03.000 No, well, you won't be able to do what you're doing that's helping people, too.

01:11:07.000 One of the things that you're doing that's helping people is you're making people laugh.

01:11:10.000 Yeah.

01:11:11.000 I mean, that helps a lot.

01:11:14.000 Yeah.

01:11:15.000 I mean, people fucking need that.

01:11:17.000 They need it so bad.

01:11:18.000 There's so many people right now with their headphones on in their cubicle laughing their ass off right now.

01:11:22.000 I hope so.

01:11:23.000 Fuck yeah.

01:11:23.000 They need it.

01:11:24.000 People need it.

01:11:25.000 Go listen to the pat-down after Joe Rogan, of course.

01:11:27.000 They listen to that for sure.

01:11:28.000 They're going to subscribe.

01:11:29.000 Guarantee you.

01:11:30.000 I hope so.

01:11:31.000 100%.

01:11:32.000 I mean, you know, I did a show last night at the Virgil here in L.A., and a man came up to me and said, man, my dog died today, and I've been crying all day, but I want to tell you how much you helped me fucking relieve.

01:11:43.000 I said, oh, I'm sorry about your dog.

01:11:45.000 Did you burn him up?

01:11:49.000 You burn him up.

01:11:50.000 He actually started laughing.

01:11:52.000 You know, after they die, you got to burn him up, cremate him.

01:11:54.000 Cremate him.

01:11:55.000 Yeah, I asked him that.

01:11:56.000 He actually started laughing.

01:11:57.000 But, I mean, I get that all the time.

01:11:59.000 And, you know, laughter is what healed me.

01:12:02.000 When I was able to write my book and, you know, started doing comedy, especially, like, it was one story now about my mama's boyfriend who molested me.

01:12:12.000 And I had never told that story over 30-something years.

01:12:16.000 My husband didn't know.

01:12:17.000 The only person to know is me and my sister because it always happened to us at the same time with him.

01:12:22.000 And I never told that story.

01:12:24.000 And I remember when I was writing my book, the lady who co-wrote my book, she was like a...

01:12:29.000 You gotta tell the story.

01:12:30.000 And I said, well, I gotta ask my sister.

01:12:32.000 And I get my sister on the phone, Joe.

01:12:34.000 And I was like, Maypop, that's her name.

01:12:36.000 I said, you ready to tell what Mr. John did to us?

01:12:39.000 And we both just boo-hooed.

01:12:42.000 And we told some of the story.

01:12:44.000 We got off the phone.

01:12:45.000 And it took, for me to tell that story, it took almost a week.

01:12:48.000 Me and the writer cried so much.

01:12:50.000 Because I had all of that built up in me.

01:12:53.000 But I'm so happy I was able to tell that story now.

01:12:56.000 Because that was the only story I had never told public about how my mama boyfriend did me and my sister from the age of probably six or eight to I was 11 years old because I started my kid's father was 21 and I was 12 when I met him so I started having six at 12 so when he started touching me my kid when I got a boyfriend my mama my mama boyfriend left us alone Once you got a boyfriend.

01:13:20.000 Yeah, once I got a boyfriend.

01:13:22.000 Jesus Christ.

01:13:23.000 So, that was the only story I had never told, but when I told it, I felt like I lost 20, probably 100 pounds.

01:13:29.000 I felt like it, but it didn't go anywhere.

01:13:31.000 Right.

01:13:31.000 But I just felt a relief.

01:13:33.000 Yeah.

01:13:33.000 So, I know laughter.

01:13:34.000 I just know laughter does a lot for me, so I know it does the same for other people.

01:13:39.000 God damn, you've had a crazy fucking laugh.

01:13:42.000 Yeah.

01:13:43.000 And I laugh at every inch of it, too.

01:13:46.000 Well, that's the only way you can...

01:13:48.000 I mean, what you've done is...

01:13:49.000 I mean, you've done the ultimate take a negative and turn it into a positive.

01:13:53.000 I try.

01:13:54.000 I try really hard.

01:13:55.000 But you mean you really have?

01:13:57.000 Because your sense of humor is so fucked up.

01:14:00.000 But it's because of your life that it's so funny.

01:14:03.000 I mean, that's why it works.

01:14:05.000 If you had a cushy life and you were saying the shit that you're saying, it wouldn't be funny.

01:14:09.000 No, it wouldn't be.

01:14:09.000 No.

01:14:10.000 And that's one of the things with my husband, like when I was sharing with, like my kid's father shot me and beat me, you know, most of your listeners kind of know who I am.

01:14:18.000 They know my background.

01:14:19.000 And one of the things when I started sharing my life, my husband had that protective mode.

01:14:24.000 He didn't want me to, you know, he knew how negative the world could be when I started to share these stories so I could see what he wanted to step in and protect me.

01:14:33.000 Right.

01:14:34.000 You know, when people would judge me.

01:14:35.000 You know, like, I dropped out of school in eighth grade.

01:14:37.000 When my husband went to the military, he had a mom and daddy had a way better life than me.

01:14:42.000 So he would always be there to, like, be that protector.

01:14:45.000 Like, I was like, oh, they think I'm stupid, or they think I'm this.

01:14:48.000 And I just, I just, he helped me grow a backbone to say, fuck what people think about you.

01:14:54.000 I mean, because there was so much screwed up stuff in my head.

01:14:57.000 Like, one of the things my mama taught me about white people.

01:14:59.000 Like, I didn't deal with white people.

01:15:01.000 I mean, let's be honest.

01:15:02.000 I'm from the hood.

01:15:02.000 There was a police or the fucking case worker.

01:15:05.000 My mama told me, she said, white people are better than you.

01:15:08.000 Never look them in the eye and they're the fucking devil.

01:15:11.000 So my whole life, Joe Rogan, I was scared of white people.

01:15:14.000 And when I wrote the book and I told the lady this, when I would see white people, I would immediately look down.

01:15:21.000 Well, that's what the slaves used to do.

01:15:22.000 And that's what the book lady taught me.

01:15:24.000 And I was like, I can't look them in the eye.

01:15:26.000 And then she was like, why?

01:15:27.000 And I told her the story.

01:15:28.000 And I told my husband the story.

01:15:29.000 And he said, Pat, he said, we're all the same.

01:15:32.000 Your fucking mama is stupid.

01:15:37.000 And I used to tell you, I used to tell a bit.

01:15:41.000 I said, the only difference between me and you, white woman, is my titties is bigger than yours.

01:15:45.000 But I was in my late 20s when I learned that.

01:15:48.000 Because when I moved to Indianapolis, I couldn't talk to you.

01:15:52.000 I fucked my ribs.

01:15:53.000 And I would immediately say, I'm stupid.

01:15:56.000 And I would look away.

01:15:57.000 And when I started coming to Indianapolis, my fan base turned white.

01:16:00.000 And I was like, why the fuck y'all like me?

01:16:02.000 Get away from me.

01:16:03.000 I used to say that to myself.

01:16:07.000 And my husband sat me down and was like, Pat, we all the same.

01:16:10.000 Your fucking mom is stupid.

01:16:11.000 I'm like, we are?

01:16:12.000 And I was in my late 20s, but I had never, ever dealt with white people like I dealt with them when I moved into that community.

01:16:17.000 And I'm glad because it taught me a lot as a young girl out of the inner city of Atlanta that we are all the same.

01:16:24.000 The problem with this country is we don't fucking talk.

01:16:28.000 No communication.

01:16:30.000 Well, there's that, and then there's these communities stay the way they are.

01:16:35.000 Like, whether it's Baltimore, where they had it set up, where black people literally weren't allowed to buy homes outside of certain areas.

01:16:42.000 Or any inner city, like, you know, inner city in Houston, or New York, or anywhere, where the neighborhoods stay the same.

01:16:50.000 Yeah.

01:16:50.000 They stay the same forever.

01:16:51.000 For generation after generation, yeah.

01:16:53.000 Crime, poverty, all the drugs, everything stays the same.

01:16:56.000 And it does.

01:16:57.000 You know, Joe, my kids are fucking, they blessed.

01:17:02.000 They don't realize how blessed they are.

01:17:04.000 And sometimes I get so pissed off at them.

01:17:06.000 Like, they go to this really nice high school where I live in Indiana.

01:17:10.000 They get their little laptops and, you know, they get new books every fucking year.

01:17:15.000 Joe, when I went to school, it was so many niggas' names wrote in that same book where Eddie had done checked it out every year.

01:17:21.000 You had to flip a page and you had seen Ramon, Tyrone, ta-da-da-da.

01:17:25.000 Three pages of kids who had that book before you.

01:17:28.000 And it pisses me off because, you know, I look at it and I was like, well, this is the old curriculum where, you know, my kids are getting a new curriculum every year.

01:17:37.000 And it's still like that in certain parts of America.

01:17:40.000 Yep.

01:17:41.000 And it pisses me off.

01:17:42.000 I was like, y'all, you guys don't realize how blessed you are.

01:17:44.000 You come in and throw this fucking thousand dollar pad on the floor that this school done gave you.

01:17:49.000 Take shit for granted.

01:17:50.000 Like, my daughter would literally hold up the school bus because she wanted to walk slow because she was fat.

01:17:56.000 So the lady called me and was like, Miss Pat, every day I got to wait on Garyana to get on the bus.

01:18:01.000 And I've asked her several times to be at the bus stop when I get there.

01:18:05.000 And I said, ma'am, leave that bitch.

01:18:08.000 Leave her.

01:18:09.000 You leave that motherfucker.

01:18:11.000 She'll get there on time.

01:18:12.000 But you know, they pamper them in my neighborhood.

01:18:15.000 I said, don't you dare pamper my black kid.

01:18:17.000 Leave that bitch, because I'll leave her.

01:18:19.000 You ain't in the car when I get in the car, bitch.

01:18:22.000 Bye!

01:18:24.000 Bye!

01:18:25.000 My kids know, you better get in the car and fuck you.

01:18:28.000 You don't want to school.

01:18:29.000 I mean, my daughter would come in the house one time and say, I need you to take me to Starbucks.

01:18:34.000 I'm like, why?

01:18:34.000 Cool kids come to school at Starbucks.

01:18:36.000 I said, bitch, you better go to school.

01:18:38.000 I said, it's night.

01:18:39.000 I said, you crazy if you think I'm going to get up at 6 o'clock in the morning and take you to Starbucks.

01:18:42.000 You better take your fat ass to Starbucks at night and get you a cup and put you some hot chocolate in the morning.

01:18:47.000 I'm not getting up at no 6 o'clock to make you cool, but they do that.

01:18:52.000 Right.

01:18:52.000 It's a status thing?

01:18:53.000 Yeah, it's a status thing.

01:18:54.000 Come bring me my lunch.

01:18:55.000 I left my lunch.

01:18:56.000 I tell my kids, if you leave some, you didn't fucking want it.

01:18:59.000 Because I'm in the bed with no wig and no bra and yesterday pussy.

01:19:03.000 I'm not getting up.

01:19:06.000 Yesterday's pussy?

01:19:06.000 Yeah!

01:19:07.000 How's that work?

01:19:08.000 Because I went to bed last night and they watched it before they called me.

01:19:11.000 Oh, so it's yesterday's.

01:19:12.000 It's yesterday's pussy.

01:19:13.000 So I'm not getting up.

01:19:14.000 You crazy as hell.

01:19:15.000 I'm not.

01:19:17.000 Nobody gave me nothing.

01:19:19.000 Do they understand that no one gave you anything?

01:19:21.000 Hell yeah!

01:19:22.000 Do they get it?

01:19:23.000 They get it.

01:19:24.000 Yeah, they get it.

01:19:25.000 But they like, nobody want to hear your poor stories.

01:19:28.000 That's not true.

01:19:29.000 No, listen.

01:19:29.000 That's not true.

01:19:31.000 A lot of people want to hear it.

01:19:33.000 Thank you.

01:19:34.000 My cable got cut off one day, right?

01:19:35.000 So I go in the house and my cable cut off and I tell my husband, I was like, did you pay the fucking cable?

01:19:39.000 My husband, oh my God, I forgot to pay the cable.

01:19:41.000 Go turn the cable on before the keys get on.

01:19:43.000 I was like, fuck these keys.

01:19:44.000 You know how many times I had to look at a fuzzy TV and thought it was snowing?

01:19:48.000 I'm not going to bed.

01:19:50.000 Fuck these kids.

01:19:51.000 I don't care about these kids.

01:19:52.000 But he broke his neck to pay the cable bill because he don't want the kids to ever know what it's like to not have light gas.

01:19:58.000 Fuck these kids.

01:19:59.000 They fat.

01:19:59.000 They can miss a couple meals.

01:20:02.000 Joe, I didn't cut that cable back on.

01:20:04.000 But he broke his neck.

01:20:05.000 He did?

01:20:06.000 He came home and cut it on.

01:20:07.000 I don't go out the way for you.

01:20:09.000 I love you, but I tell you, I don't love you like Jesus do.

01:20:13.000 He love you unconditionally.

01:20:14.000 I will stab the shit out of you.

01:20:16.000 I loan my kids money.

01:20:18.000 You gotta pay me back.

01:20:19.000 My daughter called me.

01:20:20.000 She said, can I borrow $3,000?

01:20:21.000 I said, bitch, you got the wrong number.

01:20:23.000 $3,000?

01:20:25.000 Yeah, to buy her a car.

01:20:26.000 I don't got nothing to do with that shit.

01:20:27.000 I got my car, Joe.

01:20:28.000 My car paid off.

01:20:29.000 I drive a little old ass cruise that my crackhead niece left I bought for her.

01:20:34.000 That's what I drive every day.

01:20:35.000 My shit paid off.

01:20:36.000 I'm not buying you no car.

01:20:37.000 Well, bitch, you was on my phone bill for three years and you never paid your phone bill.

01:20:40.000 So how you gonna pay me back $3,000?

01:20:43.000 What did she say to that?

01:20:45.000 I called you back.

01:20:46.000 I said, I bet you will.

01:20:52.000 I said, this is my money.

01:20:53.000 I worked hard for this money.

01:20:55.000 I know you was there when I was selling crack and forging check, but you had joys and nice shit.

01:21:00.000 I know that your life was hard, but if you had to live it over again, I mean, it made you who you are.

01:21:09.000 It made me who I am.

01:21:09.000 I wouldn't change anything.

01:21:11.000 Yeah, that's what I was going to ask you.

01:21:12.000 But it's a fucked up thing to ask someone when they tell you they're molested by your mom's boyfriend and that you had a baby with this guy when you were 14 and he's married and another one and by the time you're 16 you're pregnant with a third.

01:21:26.000 Yeah.

01:21:27.000 No one would ever sell and crack, getting shot in the tit.

01:21:31.000 No one would ever ask you to live that life again.

01:21:33.000 But you wouldn't change it.

01:21:36.000 I don't know, Joe.

01:21:37.000 I mean, it made me who I am.

01:21:39.000 But I always, I look at life like this.

01:21:42.000 I think I would, you know, everybody couldn't have dealt with the stuff that I dealt with like I dealt with it.

01:21:48.000 Like, some people commit suicide, people always depressed, you know.

01:21:54.000 I kind of feel like I was the chosen one.

01:21:56.000 God take you through something to make other people see.

01:22:00.000 Maybe I took burden that everybody else was going through in life.

01:22:04.000 I was the chosen one.

01:22:06.000 Then I bring it out and make it funny.

01:22:09.000 I'm here to let people know it's okay.

01:22:12.000 It's okay.

01:22:13.000 It's not about how you start.

01:22:14.000 It's about how you finish.

01:22:15.000 I don't dwell on shit I don't have control over.

01:22:18.000 I can't change the past.

01:22:20.000 But let's laugh today.

01:22:21.000 And I tell people every night on stage, when you can laugh about it, you got control of it.

01:22:27.000 That's a powerful thing, to be able to look at your life like that and just take ownership.

01:22:32.000 Yeah, you know, like, my first kid's father, he hates me.

01:22:36.000 He fucking hates me.

01:22:37.000 You know why?

01:22:38.000 Because I'm not that little girl rabbit anymore that he had control of, that he beat.

01:22:42.000 And, you know, I was a little girl searching for love.

01:22:45.000 In this whole situation, I learned to love myself, Joe.

01:22:49.000 Are you still in touch with him?

01:22:50.000 Yeah, I talked to him.

01:22:51.000 He be cussing me.

01:22:52.000 He's like he's not in jail.

01:22:54.000 Yeah, that's what I be telling.

01:22:55.000 I'm like, dude, you're a child molester.

01:22:57.000 He's a child molester.

01:22:58.000 I'm not a child molester.

01:22:59.000 I remember when I needed closure.

01:23:01.000 And I was out here in L.A. And I'm starting to tell these stories about my life.

01:23:07.000 And I just wanted him to apologize.

01:23:09.000 You know, he shot me in the back of the head.

01:23:11.000 Fucking beat me.

01:23:12.000 Jesus Christ.

01:23:14.000 So I wanted him to apologize.

01:23:16.000 And I was like, why do you need him to apologize?

01:23:18.000 I said, I just want to hear.

01:23:19.000 I just want to tell you, Rabbit, I'm sorry.

01:23:22.000 So I called him up and I said, Darryl.

01:23:24.000 We started talking.

01:23:25.000 Oh, shit, I said his name.

01:23:28.000 Darryl, you're going to jail.

01:23:31.000 So I called him and I asked him to apologize.

01:23:35.000 And I said, how can you fuck a 12-year-old and you grown and you married?

01:23:39.000 You know what he said?

01:23:40.000 He said, your mind and body wasn't 12. And that shit kicked me in my fucking chest like a horse.

01:23:45.000 And I boo-hooed.

01:23:47.000 And that day, Joe, I decided I was no longer going to ask me to forgive him.

01:23:55.000 I decided to forgive him.

01:23:56.000 I forgave my mama.

01:23:58.000 I forgave my mama's boyfriend and everybody else that stepped on me.

01:24:02.000 And I said, no longer am I ever going to want to...

01:24:08.000 I say from that day on, I'm never going to ask y'all.

01:24:12.000 I'm never going to ask you again.

01:24:14.000 I decided to forgive you.

01:24:16.000 And that day I forgave him, my mom, and her boyfriend, and everybody else that ever violated me.

01:24:21.000 Because there was so many other people that I still don't talk about.

01:24:24.000 But I forgave them.

01:24:25.000 That's a very powerful thing.

01:24:27.000 And I'm happy.

01:24:27.000 That is a very powerful thing.

01:24:29.000 If you can forgive people who've done terrible things to you and you haven't done shit to them.

01:24:32.000 Yeah.

01:24:33.000 The people that want them to apologize, they chase them down, they want to get back, that you're eating yourself up.

01:24:39.000 You're eating yourself up.

01:24:40.000 And I was eating myself up because I just wanted him to say, I'm sorry, Rabbit.

01:24:44.000 And he never said it.

01:24:45.000 Well, once he told you that when you were 12, your mind and your body weren't young, you got to realize you're talking to a fucking idiot.

01:24:51.000 An idiot.

01:24:52.000 And I called my husband and I was crying.

01:24:54.000 He was like, Pat, why you keep...

01:24:56.000 I just want him to ask me to...

01:24:58.000 I just want him to say he's sorry.

01:24:59.000 That's all I want him to say.

01:25:01.000 And he was like, Pat, why?

01:25:02.000 And I remember hanging on the phone, and I got on my knees, and I rarely get on my knees, Joe.

01:25:07.000 And I got vertigo, so I don't get on my knees for shit.

01:25:10.000 If you know what I'm talking about.

01:25:12.000 So I just, I asked for forgiveness.

01:25:14.000 I mean, I forgave him.

01:25:15.000 That day I forgave him and my mama.

01:25:17.000 Because him, my mama, and her boyfriend, John, is three of the people that I hated the most.

01:25:22.000 Because she didn't protect me.

01:25:24.000 And when we once tried to tell her that her boyfriend was doing that to us...

01:25:28.000 You know, he wouldn't listen.

01:25:29.000 She wouldn't listen because this man was providing.

01:25:32.000 It was the only time in my life that we didn't get evicted because he was touching me and my sister.

01:25:37.000 He was always saying, well, if you tell your mama, y'all gonna get put out.

01:25:41.000 Y'all ain't gonna have no food.

01:25:42.000 So we always thought we was happy.

01:25:44.000 We always thought we was happy.

01:25:47.000 So, you know, but I forgave him.

01:25:49.000 And, you know, they was already dead, but he's still alive.

01:25:53.000 He's still alive.

01:25:54.000 My kid's father's still alive.

01:25:55.000 And you want to know something crazy?

01:25:56.000 And I never told anybody this.

01:25:58.000 So people are like, why you don't go to your mama's grave site?

01:26:00.000 You know, a lot of people are like, I don't like fucking with the dead.

01:26:03.000 I figure they want to rest.

01:26:04.000 Leave them to fuck alone.

01:26:05.000 They don't want to hear about this lively shit.

01:26:07.000 I don't go to her grave, y'all, because that motherfucker put himself next to her.

01:26:13.000 Wow.

01:26:14.000 He buried himself next to my mama.

01:26:16.000 So I said, fuck both of you.

01:26:18.000 I'm not going up there.

01:26:20.000 He's laying right next to her.

01:26:23.000 Last time I was there, before he died, I was there cleaning off some ants on top of a grave.

01:26:28.000 And, you know, I'm young.

01:26:29.000 I'm probably...

01:26:30.000 She died when I was 16. I'm probably 16, 17. I go out there with a gas can, pour it on top and light it on fire to get the ant bed off.

01:26:36.000 I'm going to set the whole fucking grave off.

01:26:39.000 That's how you got rid of the ants.

01:26:42.000 You poured gas on it and lit it on fire.

01:26:45.000 Jesus fucking Christ.

01:26:48.000 Oh my God.

01:26:50.000 I haven't been back, Joe.

01:26:52.000 I haven't been back.

01:26:53.000 You don't need to go back.

01:26:54.000 I won't go back.

01:26:55.000 He's next to us.

01:26:56.000 So he wanted that control, so he got it.

01:26:59.000 Fuck him.

01:26:59.000 I'm never going back.

01:27:01.000 Jesus Christ.

01:27:06.000 God damn, Miss Pat.

01:27:07.000 Every time I talk to you, I think I've heard it all.

01:27:11.000 Oh shit, Joe.

01:27:13.000 Give me some oligarch wine.

01:27:15.000 I can tell you a hundred other fucking stories.

01:27:18.000 Some what wine?

01:27:19.000 Olive Garden.

01:27:20.000 Olive Garden wine?

01:27:22.000 Yes.

01:27:22.000 I love that shit.

01:27:23.000 I drink a glass of that and I tell you a million fucking stories.

01:27:27.000 I was telling a story.

01:27:28.000 I just started writing a bit about how my mama used to was a crapshooter.

01:27:31.000 And before she shoot the dice, she would line up her five kids and she would rub them on our vagina, up on our titties.

01:27:37.000 That was good luck for her.

01:27:38.000 What?

01:27:41.000 She would rub the dice on your vagina and your titties?

01:27:44.000 Rub the dice on your pussy for good luck.

01:27:46.000 Oh my god.

01:27:47.000 How old were you?

01:27:48.000 Probably five or six.

01:27:50.000 Oh my god.

01:27:52.000 What the fuck?

01:27:55.000 I don't want to tell the whole story because I just wrote a bit about it.

01:27:58.000 So y'all wait time to finish the fucking bit.

01:27:59.000 It's fucking hilarious.

01:28:01.000 You're not going to do it tonight?

01:28:02.000 No.

01:28:02.000 No, I'm not going to do it at night.

01:28:04.000 It's not all the way down, but my friend was like, Pat, you got to be lying.

01:28:08.000 I said, I called my brother.

01:28:09.000 I said, Bo, that's my oldest brother.

01:28:11.000 He's biracial, right?

01:28:12.000 My mama say we got the same daddy, but this motherfucker got good hell, so we know.

01:28:17.000 We know.

01:28:18.000 That ain't no Jerry curl, either.

01:28:21.000 So I said, Bo, do you remember when mama used to shoot dice?

01:28:24.000 She said, yeah, she's rubbing my motherfucking nuts all the time.

01:28:32.000 My friend's like, you know it's some shit when black people go like, who the fuck raised you?

01:28:41.000 Oh my god, I can't breathe.

01:28:50.000 Did I fuck up your son?

01:28:51.000 Oh my god.

01:28:53.000 I'm crying.

01:28:54.000 I can't breathe.

01:28:55.000 Holy shit.

01:28:57.000 God damn it, Pat.

01:28:59.000 And in all, I still laugh.

01:29:01.000 I love to laugh.

01:29:02.000 I fucking love it.

01:29:04.000 I know you do.

01:29:05.000 You make people laugh.

01:29:07.000 You're one of the funniest people I've ever met.

01:29:08.000 Wow.

01:29:09.000 Thank you, Joe.

01:29:10.000 It's a fact.

01:29:12.000 Fuck.

01:29:14.000 What a life you had.

01:29:16.000 God damn it.

01:29:17.000 It's so hard to listen to as a person who has kids.

01:29:21.000 It's so hard to think about you being a little girl, having to go through that.

01:29:25.000 You know, people say, oh, Pat, you should get counseling, but honestly, comedy has been my counseling.

01:29:31.000 It is a form of counseling, for sure.

01:29:34.000 I was able to share with shit that I was angry about.

01:29:38.000 I'm no longer angry.

01:29:39.000 You're making people laugh.

01:29:40.000 I'm making people laugh.

01:29:41.000 Look, I'm fucking crying over here.

01:29:44.000 I'm literally crying.

01:29:46.000 Yeah, I mean, you know, then you meet so many people who kind of have a story like you.

01:29:52.000 People always, oh, Miss Pat, you're telling my story.

01:29:54.000 Thank you so much.

01:29:56.000 I had a black lady tell me one time, she was like, I had my baby at 13. How can you talk about that?

01:30:01.000 I said, because, bitch, I'm happy.

01:30:03.000 And my child didn't have the life that I had.

01:30:06.000 So I'm happy.

01:30:08.000 You know, the only thing I ask for my kids, I say, I ask you, college ain't for everybody.

01:30:12.000 So I'm not going to force college on you.

01:30:14.000 But what you do owe me is a high school diploma.

01:30:17.000 And you do owe me the prom because I didn't have an opportunity to do none of that shit.

01:30:21.000 So all of them went to the prom, I picked out the outfit, and every one of them graduated from high school.

01:30:27.000 You know, my daughter was the first one in three generations to graduate high school and the first one to ever go to college.

01:30:32.000 Now, she didn't finish, but hey, my youngest daughter just finished criminal justice.

01:30:37.000 She has an associate's degree.

01:30:39.000 And, you know, every time they do it, they're like, I'm going to the prom for you.

01:30:42.000 They graduated high school.

01:30:43.000 They gave me their high school diploma.

01:30:45.000 My daughter was like, well, I just graduated from college.

01:30:48.000 Here go your degree.

01:30:52.000 I was like, bitch, you cum laude!

01:30:54.000 Cum laude, or whatever the fuck it is.

01:30:56.000 You know what I'm talking about.

01:30:57.000 Straight A's.

01:30:59.000 Cum Laude.

01:30:59.000 Yeah, that's what she was.

01:31:00.000 She was cum Laude.

01:31:01.000 So, I mean, she didn't go to her graduation.

01:31:04.000 She didn't want to go to graduation.

01:31:06.000 So she booked it.

01:31:07.000 She had two options.

01:31:09.000 So she booked it on a day I was out of town.

01:31:11.000 But she's my first child that graduated college.

01:31:13.000 And I look back.

01:31:14.000 Here I am with an eighth grade education on a GED. And I was able to keep my kids from going down the road that I went down.

01:31:22.000 And, you know, most kids try to make their parents proud.

01:31:27.000 I try to make my kids proud, to let them know, it's not about how you start, it's about how you finish.

01:31:33.000 You know, I had to admit to my oldest daughter, you know, I used to sell drugs in front of her school, and I had to wake her up one time and I said, I want to apologize for being such a horrible mom in the beginning.

01:31:46.000 But I was fucking 14. You know, she was in houses where they had shootout ads.

01:31:51.000 She saw me sell drugs in front of her school.

01:31:54.000 I said, I made a lot of fucking mistakes, but I'm sorry.

01:31:58.000 Because I did what everybody else was doing in my community, trying to survive.

01:32:04.000 And that was one of the hardest things as a parent because a lot of parents hide their past from their kids.

01:32:10.000 But I literally went to my daughter because she hated me, Joe.

01:32:14.000 She fucking hated me.

01:32:16.000 She's like, why do you have to sell drawers in front of my school?

01:32:18.000 I said, because I was here first, bitch.

01:32:23.000 Jesus Christ.

01:32:28.000 But, you know, I think, you know, we have a relationship now.

01:32:33.000 You know, and then I went off to jail and I missed her going to kindergarten.

01:32:37.000 And then I grew up in a community where if you was gay, something was wrong with you.

01:32:41.000 You know, my daughter, she gay as fuck.

01:32:43.000 She eat everything in Atlanta.

01:32:46.000 She Pac-Man with the pussy.

01:32:48.000 Jesus Christ.

01:32:53.000 So, you know, I had to deal with that, too, because she ran out for a while when she wouldn't, you know, when I, she didn't want to tell me she was gay, because, I mean, I had this thing where if you were gay, there was something wrong with you.

01:33:04.000 I fucking hated gay women.

01:33:05.000 And I used to say this on stage, and I used to say, white men, when you hate niggas, there's a good chance your white daughter gonna come home with a big dick nigga.

01:33:18.000 My daughter came home and she was gay.

01:33:20.000 And it opened my fucking world to the gay community.

01:33:24.000 And now, like, I remember when my daughter came out and I was like, you must be ashamed that your daughter's gay.

01:33:28.000 So, uh-uh, bitch, your daughter's a hoe.

01:33:30.000 So, your daughter's gonna take way more dicks than my daughter do.

01:33:32.000 Okay.

01:33:34.000 And immediately, I love my daughter.

01:33:37.000 I love all of my kids.

01:33:38.000 And I told Ashley, that's her name, I said, it's not about, I had to learn, it's not about your sexuality.

01:33:44.000 Do what make you happy.

01:33:45.000 And I will support you to the end.

01:33:48.000 As long as you happy.

01:33:49.000 Because you saw your daddy stop my face and shoot me and mistreat me.

01:33:53.000 So do what makes you happy.

01:33:55.000 Just don't do drugs, bitch.

01:33:56.000 But do what make you happy.

01:33:58.000 What made you not like gay women before that?

01:34:02.000 Because I was raised in the black community.

01:34:03.000 If you was gay, you know, we're the biggest motherfucker of black people who would throw a gay child out and tell you something wrong with you.

01:34:09.000 We talk to hate.

01:34:10.000 You know, especially that old school black community.

01:34:13.000 That's why, you know, people...

01:34:15.000 Why is that?

01:34:16.000 I don't know, Joe.

01:34:17.000 That's just how we was raised.

01:34:18.000 The black church.

01:34:20.000 Drilling in your head.

01:34:21.000 You know, if you gay, you going to hell and, you know...

01:34:24.000 So what happens with gay people in the black community?

01:34:28.000 A lot of them leave and never come back back in the day.

01:34:31.000 A lot of them wait to, you know, they fucking mental problems.

01:34:35.000 I don't know.

01:34:36.000 Like...

01:34:37.000 I don't remember a gay uncle or anybody.

01:34:40.000 But I know we, as a black community, you have to hide.

01:34:44.000 You had to hide back in those days.

01:34:46.000 So I was taught if you was gay, it was something wrong with you.

01:34:51.000 And when my daughter came out to be gay, it opened my fucking world up.

01:34:56.000 And I was like, do I judge my daughter over sexuality or do I love my child because it's my fucking child?

01:35:02.000 And I remember not seeing her for three years.

01:35:05.000 She just running.

01:35:05.000 She had dropped out of college.

01:35:06.000 She just going from state to state.

01:35:07.000 Damn near homeless.

01:35:08.000 A lot of them be homeless.

01:35:09.000 And I said, look, Ashley.

01:35:12.000 I said, are you gay?

01:35:14.000 I just want to hear it for myself.

01:35:16.000 She was like, yes ma'am.

01:35:17.000 I said, well come on home.

01:35:18.000 You can eat pussy in Atlanta.

01:35:19.000 It's cheaper.

01:35:22.000 And my child came home.

01:35:24.000 And we built a relationship.

01:35:25.000 And I was wrong.

01:35:27.000 Because she heard how I talked about gay people in the house.

01:35:30.000 It's almost like when you hear your...

01:35:31.000 If you're white and you hear your parents, I was like, nigga, nigga, nigga, nigga, nigga.

01:35:35.000 Then you want to know, why is he talking about nigga?

01:35:37.000 You get curious.

01:35:38.000 And you go outside and you're like, it ain't what you think it is.

01:35:41.000 So when she came out, you know, when she came out, it opened my world.

01:35:45.000 And I'm happy.

01:35:47.000 I'm happy for my baby.

01:35:48.000 And I tell everybody, my daughter will eat the shit out of you.

01:35:50.000 She will dick you down with her scrap off.

01:35:56.000 But she's happy, Joe, and that's what it's all about.

01:35:58.000 That's all you can ask for.

01:36:00.000 All I ask is that she get a bitch to treat her right.

01:36:03.000 Now, she's a hoe right now, but, you know, new girl every six months.

01:36:07.000 Well, this new girl she got, she's been sticking with her for a long time.

01:36:10.000 I like the last girlfriend who used to call Bigfoot, but she got rid of Bigfoot.

01:36:14.000 Why'd you call her Bigfoot?

01:36:15.000 If she was a boy, she would have played professional basketball.

01:36:17.000 Big old feet.

01:36:19.000 Big old bitch.

01:36:26.000 But I liked her a lot.

01:36:28.000 Her new girlfriend, she growing on me.

01:36:30.000 But it's all about being happy.

01:36:32.000 It is all about being happy.

01:36:34.000 You've done an amazing thing with your life.

01:36:37.000 Thank you.

01:36:38.000 You took a terrible beginning and turned it into an amazing present.

01:36:43.000 You're one of the funniest people, I swear to God.

01:36:46.000 You're one of the funniest people I've ever met.

01:36:47.000 You're like a big time professional comedian.

01:36:50.000 People love you.

01:36:52.000 I think what you've done is amazing.

01:36:54.000 To come where you started from and to be who you are now, it's amazing.

01:36:59.000 Thank you.

01:37:00.000 I mean, and I tell people all the time, I'm a convicted felon.

01:37:02.000 Ain't shit else I can do.

01:37:04.000 Either you laugh or I'll rob you tonight.

01:37:06.000 But you're great at it.

01:37:08.000 You know, it's not just that you had a hard life.

01:37:12.000 You had a hard life and you worked hard to become a great comic.

01:37:17.000 Well, I had a hard life and I wanted to save my kids in the beginning.

01:37:20.000 I just didn't want my kids to go through what I went through.

01:37:24.000 So that was the biggest fight.

01:37:25.000 I was like, y'all ain't sticking your thumb in my baby asshole.

01:37:28.000 I'm sorry.

01:37:29.000 Y'all ain't going to do that to my children.

01:37:30.000 You're not going to jail.

01:37:32.000 You're not going to drop out.

01:37:33.000 You know, I just wanted my kids to have shit that I never had, which was a life.

01:37:39.000 And then, you know...

01:37:42.000 One thing in my book is about, I was searching for something.

01:37:45.000 I wanted a family.

01:37:46.000 I never had a family.

01:37:47.000 I never felt love like I felt today.

01:37:50.000 You know, I got a family.

01:37:51.000 I go home to a husband that sees me two times a week, but he still fucking loves me, even though he say, not at all.

01:37:57.000 laughter He's being funny.

01:37:59.000 Yeah, he's being funny, but I know I'm loved, y'all.

01:38:02.000 I know I'm loved, and I never had that as a child.

01:38:06.000 I planned vacation, they'd be like, oh, we got to do this.

01:38:08.000 Fuck yeah, we got to do this.

01:38:09.000 You want to know what it is to be without a family?

01:38:11.000 Fuck it, mama, we going with you.

01:38:13.000 We don't want to hear these horrible stories no more.

01:38:17.000 When I booked that Disney cruise, they was all pissed out, but they had a fucking ball.

01:38:21.000 And it was 22 of us, and we was there as a family.

01:38:23.000 And that's all.

01:38:24.000 I don't care to go when I go take them to the lake or take them out.

01:38:27.000 I don't care to participate.

01:38:28.000 I just want to know.

01:38:30.000 I just look at them and say, oh, my God.

01:38:32.000 I got what I fought for my whole fucking life of family to be loved.

01:38:38.000 And I'm loved, Joe.

01:38:39.000 That's beautiful.

01:38:40.000 And that's all I ever wanted.

01:38:41.000 That's beautiful.

01:38:42.000 I don't give a fuck about the fancy car.

01:38:44.000 I care about the nice wigs.

01:38:46.000 But...

01:38:48.000 But listen, you and Junebug, you're going to start this YouTube series.

01:38:53.000 I promise.

01:38:53.000 You're going to work out together.

01:38:54.000 And then The Pat Down is available on iTunes.

01:38:57.000 It's available everywhere.

01:38:58.000 Your book.

01:39:00.000 It's still out there.

01:39:01.000 It's doing really well.

01:39:02.000 It's called Rabbit.

01:39:03.000 Rabbit.

01:39:04.000 Right.

01:39:04.000 Nominated for NAACP Image Award.

01:39:06.000 And we're working tonight.

01:39:08.000 And we're working tonight.

01:39:09.000 At the Comedy Store.

01:39:10.000 Thank you.

01:39:12.000 God damn, that was funny.

01:39:14.000 Oh.

01:39:15.000 Oh.

The Joe Rogan Experience - June 18, 2019

Joe Rogan Experience #1312 - Ms Pat

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