The Joe Rogan Experience - Joe Rogan Experience #1348

00:00:00.000 One.

00:00:02.000 Young Bill Burr!

00:00:04.000 Paper Tiger coming out tonight on Netflix!

00:00:07.000 Ooh, exciting!

00:00:08.000 Are you pumped?

00:00:10.000 Yes, I am.

00:00:11.000 I'm very excited.

00:00:12.000 I think more just to see, you know, just to people see how good it looks.

00:00:16.000 It was Mike Binder directed it.

00:00:19.000 And, you know, I just, I don't know, I just had this idea for how special I wanted it to look.

00:00:26.000 And none of it really had to do with other, like, necessarily comedy specials, more like rock concerts that I saw.

00:00:31.000 And not saying it's all, like, super jumpy and stuff, but just sort of like...

00:00:35.000 I don't know.

00:00:36.000 It's weird how the way they shot shit back in the day where they held shots longer so it sucked you in so you kind of felt, not necessarily that you were there, but the presence of being there.

00:00:46.000 And I really have this belief that if you fucking go edit really quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, it's like flipping through the channels and each time like your brain resets.

00:00:53.000 Yeah.

00:00:54.000 And like when you go to a show, you're just sitting there looking at the band or looking at the comedian like that.

00:00:58.000 It's not like I'm here and I'm in the balcony.

00:01:00.000 Now I'm behind you.

00:01:01.000 Now I'm up here and all that.

00:01:02.000 So we try to make sure like the pacing of it.

00:01:05.000 I explained it to him and he was just like, I get it.

00:01:07.000 Well, he's a comic.

00:01:08.000 So that certainly helps.

00:01:10.000 Yeah, so the way he did it, I hope that people see that as opposed to the shit that they normally do.

00:01:19.000 Like, how can I get offended?

00:01:21.000 Well, they're definitely going to get offended.

00:01:23.000 It's a sport now to get offended by comedy.

00:01:26.000 It seems like people get excited to be offended.

00:01:29.000 I know.

00:01:29.000 A lot of the questions I've gotten from people, non-comedians, have been about, you know, Well, in the light of Dave's special, I was just like, weren't you guys all mad at Sebastian like a week ago?

00:01:39.000 Now it's Dave.

00:01:40.000 Were they mad at him for the VH1 thing?

00:01:43.000 No, they weren't.

00:01:44.000 One person got mad and wrote something, and then everybody, oh yeah, oh yeah, I didn't realize I didn't like that.

00:01:50.000 I don't like that.

00:01:51.000 I didn't hear a peep out of that.

00:01:53.000 I don't want to start it back up for him.

00:01:57.000 Stop trying to get them all going again.

00:01:59.000 It was just like...

00:02:01.000 I don't know why he did that anyway.

00:02:02.000 I was like, those things are never fun.

00:02:05.000 You're basically, you know, you're the host of what's a commercial for a bunch of bands.

00:02:12.000 It's just, he's a great comic.

00:02:14.000 He sells out Madison Square Garden.

00:02:17.000 And he did a great job too.

00:02:18.000 He did a great job.

00:02:19.000 Somebody was talking about...

00:02:21.000 Four times in two nights.

00:02:22.000 Yeah.

00:02:22.000 Which is crazy.

00:02:22.000 He turned over Madison Square Garden like a comedy club.

00:02:25.000 Yeah.

00:02:26.000 Like he's doing an improv.

00:02:28.000 Like he's doing the fucking great improv.

00:02:30.000 I got two shows Fridays, two shows Saturday.

00:02:32.000 Come down to see me.

00:02:33.000 Madison Square Garden.

00:02:33.000 It's at, oh yeah, Madison Square Garden.

00:02:36.000 In the round.

00:02:37.000 There was no other way.

00:02:38.000 18,000 people.

00:02:40.000 Yeah.

00:02:41.000 18 times.

00:02:41.000 Well, I was going to say he could have done Giant Stadium.

00:02:43.000 He could have.

00:02:44.000 He really could have.

00:02:45.000 But it's like, why bother?

00:02:48.000 Why bother doing VH1 Music Awards?

00:02:52.000 It's just, it's not a good venue for comedy.

00:02:55.000 It's not a good, like, people see him.

00:02:56.000 You know why?

00:02:57.000 Because Eddie did it, Chris did it.

00:03:01.000 I'm going to talk too much to keep this fucking thing going.

00:03:04.000 And it's like a legendary old school stand-up gig.

00:03:08.000 VH1 Music Awards?

00:03:09.000 No, it was MTV. Was it MTV Music Awards?

00:03:12.000 They're all the same to me.

00:03:14.000 Does VH1 have their own music awards?

00:03:16.000 They don't?

00:03:17.000 Look at me, I'm fucking so old.

00:03:19.000 I don't even know what I'm talking about.

00:03:20.000 Are they making CDs?

00:03:22.000 Selling CDs after the show?

00:03:23.000 I know.

00:03:24.000 I still remember that MTV was cooler than VH1. Does your Jaguar have a CD player?

00:03:32.000 No.

00:03:33.000 Why?

00:03:33.000 My car doesn't have one either.

00:03:35.000 My Tesla doesn't have a fucking...

00:03:36.000 I was trying to do the math.

00:03:37.000 Is he subtly insulting me?

00:03:39.000 No!

00:03:39.000 You got a cassette tape in there?

00:03:40.000 I'm just saying they don't have them anymore.

00:03:44.000 I got a VCR in the trunk.

00:03:45.000 Somewhere along the line they just stopped making them.

00:03:48.000 Well, that's the thing.

00:03:49.000 I was in New York all summer and all those up-and-coming rappers are trying to hand you a CD. It's like, what am I going to do with that?

00:03:57.000 They still have CDs?

00:03:58.000 Well, then they do something.

00:03:59.000 Then they just click on this or scan this and it goes to a Vimeo page.

00:04:06.000 And then I'm like, is this guy in my phone now?

00:04:08.000 Like, what just happened?

00:04:09.000 Does he have my contacts?

00:04:10.000 Yeah, so I just kind of steer clear to them.

00:04:13.000 I get weirded out by those little Q-scan things.

00:04:16.000 Is that what they call them?

00:04:17.000 Q-what was it?

00:04:19.000 QR code.

00:04:20.000 I get weirded out by those things.

00:04:22.000 Because your camera goes on it, and then boom, it opens up a website.

00:04:25.000 I'm like, what is happening here?

00:04:26.000 I'll tell you what's a weird one, is they have home security systems now, where...

00:04:31.000 I was reading an ad for this on my podcast, and I was thinking afterwards, a lot of times home, I guess, I don't know, alarm goes off because your window blows open, and then everybody fucking shows up, and it's like, oh, sorry, the window blew open.

00:04:46.000 This actually has video cameras, so they can confirm that somebody is in your house But then I'm thinking, like, well, what's to stop them from just turn that on and start watching your life like a show?

00:04:58.000 Nothing.

00:04:58.000 Like, hey, hey, hey, they're fighting again.

00:05:00.000 Well, for sure, if there's a stream, it's possible for someone to do that.

00:05:05.000 For sure.

00:05:06.000 If there's a stream that someone can get to.

00:05:07.000 No, no, in the contract, it says we would never do that.

00:05:09.000 Oh.

00:05:10.000 Oh, okay.

00:05:11.000 It's not like some people don't.

00:05:13.000 Look at this.

00:05:13.000 Doorbell camera from Ring has partnered with 400 police forces extending surveillance concerns.

00:05:18.000 Yeah.

00:05:21.000 Yeah.

00:05:22.000 Yeah.

00:05:23.000 I mean, as long as they're just using it to catch the bad guys, which is going to be what they're saying.

00:05:26.000 But there's going to be somebody.

00:05:28.000 Somebody has their dick in their hand right now looking at that doorbell.

00:05:34.000 It's inevitable.

00:05:35.000 And then the way people get obsessed.

00:05:38.000 Then you're jerking off just to the woman walking up to the door to go into her house and it's not enough.

00:05:42.000 Man, I got to see what's behind the door.

00:05:46.000 Yeah.

00:05:48.000 Calls up, hey, would you be interested in furthering your security?

00:05:52.000 No, I think the doorbell's enough.

00:05:55.000 Interesting you say that.

00:05:56.000 We just had a case the other day where unfortunately she thought it was enough and it wasn't.

00:06:00.000 Really?

00:06:00.000 And then sells him that.

00:06:01.000 Now he's watching her eating cornflakes.

00:06:03.000 It's a slow creep into your life.

00:06:05.000 How much time before it's everywhere?

00:06:08.000 Before everyone can see everyone everywhere.

00:06:12.000 Yeah, I don't know.

00:06:13.000 But what's weird is younger people have a much different idea of privacy.

00:06:17.000 Yeah.

00:06:18.000 Because this shit has kind of been out there.

00:06:19.000 I would not want to be young right now.

00:06:21.000 They have a real tough time.

00:06:23.000 Dude, when I was younger, when I got my ass kicked, it was over.

00:06:26.000 It wasn't video documentation for the rest of my life.

00:06:30.000 This is the kid from Rocky Point.

00:06:32.000 He's all grown up now.

00:06:34.000 And you're trying to get laid in a bar like 20 years later.

00:06:37.000 You're like, yes, that happened.

00:06:39.000 I was eight.

00:06:40.000 Sorry.

00:06:41.000 I was just thinking of that.

00:06:42.000 I watched this kid try to throw a triangle up in a street fight.

00:06:44.000 And the guy slammed him on his head and punched him unconscious and kept punching him while he was out.

00:06:49.000 And then the kid just climbed off of him and walked towards his friends.

00:06:52.000 And everybody's like, oh!

00:06:54.000 And this guy's lying on the ground, pawing up his arms like...

00:06:59.000 Probably experiencing severe brain damage.

00:07:01.000 And I'm thinking, what if that was my son?

00:07:03.000 You know, what if that's your son?

00:07:05.000 You watch some guy slam him on his head and then, as he's unconscious, punch him five, six, seven times in the face.

00:07:12.000 Yeah, that's fucked.

00:07:13.000 It's fucked.

00:07:14.000 That's why I stopped fighting.

00:07:16.000 That's why?

00:07:16.000 You didn't want to hurt anybody?

00:07:17.000 No.

00:07:18.000 No, I didn't want to be that guy.

00:07:21.000 I was like baby fat tough until like fucking sixth grade and then I sort of leaned out and then I was like, I better get funny.

00:07:27.000 And then that's when people started to learn how to fight and there was blood and shit.

00:07:31.000 And I remember there was this dude, I think I told this stuff before, the kid got off the bus.

00:07:35.000 He was fucking jacked.

00:07:36.000 The other kid was kind of baby Huey, big guy.

00:07:38.000 But the other kid got off the bus first and he just jumped him.

00:07:42.000 And then just sat on his chest, and it was like, oh!

00:07:46.000 One of those fucking fights.

00:07:48.000 And the kid didn't come to school for a week.

00:07:50.000 By the time he came back to school, most of the swelling had come down, but he almost looked like he was a cousin.

00:07:57.000 It wasn't him.

00:07:59.000 Yeah, and I was just like, yeah, I don't want that to happen to me.

00:08:02.000 That's one of the darkest things that I've ever heard anybody say about a fight.

00:08:05.000 Khabib Nurmagomedov said about Conor McGregor, he goes, I want to change his face.

00:08:11.000 See, there's people out there that are like, yeah, there's that, okay, I should stop now, is missing, and you don't want to be underneath all of that.

00:08:21.000 They just kept getting worse the older I got.

00:08:24.000 That sound of somebody's head hitting the floor.

00:08:27.000 The worst is world star hip-hop videos where the worst one I ever saw was this guy was drunk and he was talking shit and one guy knocked him out and then when he's out cold lying down everybody took shots at him.

00:08:42.000 I mean everybody in the street.

00:08:43.000 People were kicking him in the head and were running up to him, kicking him like a soccer ball, punching him in the face.

00:08:48.000 I mean like 10, 15 people doing it.

00:08:50.000 Just running up to him, boom, kicking him, running up, punching him.

00:08:55.000 It's horrific.

00:08:57.000 How did we get on this?

00:08:58.000 I don't know.

00:08:58.000 I got a great special coming out.

00:09:00.000 Yeah, your comedy special has nothing to do with brain damage or random acts of violence.

00:09:05.000 Why'd you decide to do it in England?

00:09:08.000 Because I'm a Zeppelin fan.

00:09:10.000 Really?

00:09:11.000 It was about doing it at that...

00:09:12.000 I just wanted to perform at that venue.

00:09:15.000 Royal Albert Hall?

00:09:16.000 Yeah.

00:09:16.000 So then I performed there.

00:09:19.000 And...

00:09:22.000 I had a great time, although it was in my head for a long time, like, during the show.

00:09:26.000 I was like, I'm standing where Robert Plant was standing, and John Bonham's drums were fucking right there, and I really had a hard time because...

00:09:32.000 While you were doing stand-up?

00:09:34.000 Yeah.

00:09:34.000 How many shows did you do?

00:09:35.000 I just did the one.

00:09:36.000 It was in June of last year.

00:09:40.000 Wow, you only filmed one show?

00:09:41.000 No, no, no, no, no, no.

00:09:42.000 That's the first time I did it.

00:09:44.000 So then, you know, some of my reps came over, and I was just like, wow, this place is amazing.

00:09:48.000 I mean, it was incredible.

00:09:52.000 And we just started talking.

00:09:54.000 Just going, you think maybe you could shoot a special here?

00:09:56.000 I was like, yeah, I don't know.

00:09:56.000 And I was like, ah, is my shit going to work over here?

00:09:59.000 It will be different.

00:10:00.000 Each special, I try to make it be a little different, a different vibe.

00:10:03.000 You know, southern crowd, northern crowd, west coast, east coast, or whatever.

00:10:07.000 So, we just kept talking about it.

00:10:10.000 And then I talked to Binder about it.

00:10:12.000 And it all just became about me and him smoking a cigar in London.

00:10:16.000 I was like, alright, fuck it, let's do it.

00:10:17.000 And then the whole way up, I was questioning...

00:10:21.000 Going, did I fuck up?

00:10:22.000 Was this fucking stupid?

00:10:23.000 I should have just shot it in the States.

00:10:26.000 And then I'd be like, no, no, no, it was a good idea.

00:10:28.000 It's a good idea.

00:10:29.000 Wait a minute.

00:10:30.000 What if I don't fucking and just, you know...

00:10:34.000 Which probably ended up being a good thing for it.

00:10:36.000 But, you know, I did a run of dates leading up to it before I shot over there.

00:10:41.000 And I kind of knew what was going to work and I knew what wasn't going to work.

00:10:44.000 And then, you know, people who are showing up, they're listening to your podcast.

00:10:46.000 So they get, like, the references and stuff.

00:10:48.000 Because I was talking to somebody going, oh, I was surprised, you know, they got a lot of those references.

00:10:52.000 It's like, well, that's a specific crowd coming to see me.

00:10:54.000 If I did all of those jokes in front of just a random London crowd, I think of people, you know, what the fuck's this guy talking about?

00:11:01.000 Right.

00:11:02.000 Where did you do gigs before you did London?

00:11:04.000 When you did a run of gigs?

00:11:05.000 Did you do them in England?

00:11:07.000 Yeah, I did Liverpool, Manchester, Glasgow.

00:11:14.000 I can't remember.

00:11:15.000 And then I did one other one.

00:11:17.000 It began with a B. I forget.

00:11:21.000 It was just literally bam, bam, bam.

00:11:23.000 And I got sick when I was in Liverpool.

00:11:28.000 I don't know what happened.

00:11:30.000 If I ate something before I got there or whatever, and I had like this stomach virus.

00:11:35.000 I had it the night too when I was shooting it.

00:11:37.000 I was like getting over it.

00:11:39.000 And so that was like, there's always, and I was thinking, is there always something?

00:11:44.000 Or am I just that age that there always is something, but I just don't notice until the night there's cameras here.

00:11:49.000 You know what I mean?

00:11:50.000 When everything's heightened.

00:11:51.000 Yeah.

00:11:52.000 I'm like, ah, I fucking threw my back out.

00:11:54.000 Never fucking fails.

00:11:55.000 Special.

00:11:55.000 Ba-ba-ba-ba.

00:11:56.000 And it's just like, well, I throw my back out a couple times a year.

00:11:58.000 Ha-ha.

00:11:59.000 Except I'm just not shooting that night, so I don't give a shit, and I just joke about it, so why don't I just do that when I go to do it?

00:12:06.000 How many shows did you film?

00:12:08.000 We did two, and it wasn't the same night either, so it was kind of weird.

00:12:13.000 Rather than a bam, bam, so you're warmed up, I kind of had to get going both times.

00:12:17.000 And like most times, it was the set that I liked better.

00:12:20.000 It was probably, I think, the second night.

00:12:22.000 So most of it's from the second night and then there's just a couple just because it went a little too long.

00:12:27.000 I just wanted to get in, kick the shit out of them and get out, leave them wanting more, the old school thing.

00:12:32.000 So there was just a couple.

00:12:33.000 I think we just took just a couple things just to kind of splice one section out of there and splice the things and then get it going.

00:12:42.000 How many seats?

00:12:44.000 I don't remember.

00:12:45.000 Is it a big place?

00:12:46.000 I don't remember, but I do know the night of the special, I did this thing.

00:12:50.000 I was making fun of that whole support the troops thing and everything.

00:12:53.000 And what had happened was it wasn't working.

00:12:56.000 And it was killing the whole tour.

00:12:58.000 I'm like, you got to be fucking kidding me.

00:13:00.000 Finally go to record this shit, blah, blah, blah, blah.

00:13:02.000 And it turned out that some terrorist group had made a bunch of fucking threats or something that day.

00:13:09.000 Yeah.

00:13:10.000 Yeah, and nobody told me.

00:13:12.000 Well, don't tell him.

00:13:13.000 I don't want to get in his fucking head.

00:13:14.000 So now I'm going like, why isn't this working?

00:13:16.000 Am I suddenly not funny?

00:13:19.000 Not like it didn't work, but there was just this thing hanging in the fucking air.

00:13:22.000 Had I known that, I would have addressed it and then it would have been fine.

00:13:26.000 So we just spliced that little, you know, six, seven minutes out of there.

00:13:31.000 That's a great bit, though.

00:13:33.000 I love that bit.

00:13:33.000 It is, but I recorded at Madison Square Garden for just like a double vinyl I'm going to do.

00:13:38.000 Oh, really?

00:13:38.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:13:39.000 I'm into all those old school rock things.

00:13:41.000 I'll lose my ass.

00:13:42.000 I'm going to lose my shirt on it, but it has that bit on it.

00:13:45.000 Didn't you do that before, like at Radio City or somewhere?

00:13:47.000 You did another album in the past.

00:13:49.000 Was it Radio City?

00:13:50.000 I did one at Carnegie Hall.

00:13:53.000 And then the last time I did Madison Square Garden, I didn't explain it to them correctly that I was trying to record to do an album there.

00:14:01.000 And they just took the audio from the board.

00:14:04.000 So I'm just like super loud and it sounds like I'm in front of eight people.

00:14:11.000 Lesson learned.

00:14:12.000 That's hilarious.

00:14:14.000 I like doing that nerd out comedy shit.

00:14:20.000 Like, I love all that stuff.

00:14:21.000 Like, I just saw Tarantino for the second time I saw his Once Upon a Time in America, and I went down to his theater that he bought, that Beverly Cinema, and they had all this cool merch from the movie, like, you know, buttons and posters and t-shirts and shit.

00:14:35.000 I didn't buy anything, because I'm trying not to have, because then I get sentimental and I can't fucking throw it out.

00:14:39.000 It's just like...

00:14:40.000 Hoarding, yeah.

00:14:41.000 Yeah.

00:14:41.000 Does your wife get mad at you for shit like that?

00:14:43.000 What, hoarding?

00:14:44.000 Did she go, why did you bring this home?

00:14:46.000 No, I'm the one who says that.

00:14:48.000 I'm the one who goes like, okay, now what are we throwing out?

00:14:51.000 Not throwing out, because then it ends up in the fucking ocean.

00:14:53.000 Where are you going to bring that where someone can actually use it?

00:14:58.000 Yeah, so now whenever I do comedy festivals or anything, and they have that whole merch bag, I just say, I don't want it.

00:15:06.000 Yeah, good for you.

00:15:07.000 Yeah.

00:15:08.000 But we got a phone charger.

00:15:10.000 Yeah, that's not going to work in a couple years because I'll have a new phone and then I just have that thing.

00:15:14.000 Do people send you a lot of shit?

00:15:16.000 No.

00:15:16.000 Like because of the podcast?

00:15:17.000 You don't get t-shirts or stuff like that?

00:15:21.000 Occasionally, but I kind of put it out there like, I just need you to listen.

00:15:24.000 That's enough.

00:15:25.000 I don't need you to...

00:15:26.000 Because then what sucks is when people really take time to make something, and now it's like, I can't leave this behind.

00:15:33.000 And it's always big and awkward.

00:15:34.000 I'm like, how the fuck am I going to get that in my bag?

00:15:38.000 And then you show up at the airport with some big stupid thing with your face on it, like, who the fuck is with this guy?

00:15:45.000 That's always weird when someone wears their own shirt.

00:15:49.000 When a comic or a musician or something, I had a guy who I really like, Zuby.

00:15:53.000 He was here the other day, a rapper from England.

00:15:55.000 He had his own shirt and his own hat on.

00:15:57.000 If he wasn't such a great guy, I would have given him a hard time.

00:16:01.000 You have quite a few listeners, so he's getting a free advertisement out of it, I would imagine.

00:16:05.000 I don't know.

00:16:06.000 He's getting an advertisement out of the whole podcast, I would imagine.

00:16:09.000 Right.

00:16:10.000 You don't have to...

00:16:11.000 I guess maybe.

00:16:12.000 Everybody's got their own fucking way of doing shit.

00:16:15.000 So...

00:16:16.000 I don't know, but I've been having fun.

00:16:18.000 I gotta tell you, I was so envious of you earlier this year because you put out your killer special and just watching you getting to do my favorite thing, you know, dump the shit I'm sick of and try, like, the new stuff.

00:16:28.000 So that's where I am...

00:16:30.000 In my act, and I follow you on all the stuff, and I think around May or something, June, you said, all right, it's ready to go.

00:16:39.000 And I was doing an acting gig, and I couldn't get the sets that I wanted.

00:16:43.000 I was like, fuck, man, that's what I want.

00:16:45.000 I gotta get...

00:16:46.000 I gotta get going on this shit.

00:16:50.000 Because people watching, I gotta fucking follow you sometimes down the store, which is never fun.

00:16:54.000 Well, we're doing gigs together this Thursday.

00:16:56.000 We're doing the improv and the store.

00:16:58.000 I'm very excited about that.

00:16:59.000 Yeah.

00:17:00.000 I've been doing a lot of these gigs.

00:17:01.000 My lightsaber goes up about this far right now, where my act is.

00:17:04.000 If I go to turn it on, it's like...

00:17:06.000 How old is your act now?

00:17:07.000 Like the act you're working with?

00:17:10.000 I have...

00:17:10.000 Look, I can go down.

00:17:12.000 I can murder with 20 and then the rest of it.

00:17:14.000 It gets a little...

00:17:15.000 We get a little lost at sea.

00:17:18.000 I'm sort of drifting on a piece of plywood, you know?

00:17:22.000 That's a fun time though, isn't it?

00:17:23.000 Yeah.

00:17:24.000 It is.

00:17:25.000 People haven't paid to come see you.

00:17:28.000 So what I will do is I'll stay adrift a little bit and then I'll just do shit for my special...

00:17:35.000 But now, as of, you know, tonight at midnight, I won't be able to do it.

00:17:40.000 So now that's gone.

00:17:41.000 Will you still be able to do the troops bit because it's not in there?

00:17:45.000 I won't do it because I did it already, and it's coming out on something, and I also feel like most of the places I'm going to go to, I already did it in that city.

00:17:55.000 Right.

00:17:55.000 And I have this paranoia that the exact same people show up.

00:17:59.000 Have you ever had fans come and sit in the front row two nights in a row and you see them?

00:18:03.000 I've had people back-to-back shows at 8 and then at 10.30, and then they're sitting there.

00:18:07.000 It's just like...

00:18:08.000 And they're just sitting there.

00:18:11.000 The rabbit's already in the hat!

00:18:12.000 The rabbit's already in the hat!

00:18:16.000 It's a body double!

00:18:17.000 They know everywhere where it's going.

00:18:20.000 That's a Teddy Bergeron bit.

00:18:22.000 He's wearing a wire!

00:18:24.000 He's wearing a wire!

00:18:25.000 Santa Claus isn't real!

00:18:26.000 He's wearing a wire!

00:18:27.000 How good was that guy?

00:18:29.000 People don't know.

00:18:30.000 He was one of the greatest of all time.

00:18:32.000 He really was.

00:18:33.000 I saw him when I was an open miker and I almost quit.

00:18:37.000 He won up on an open mic night.

00:18:39.000 Oh, yeah.

00:18:40.000 And Bill McDonald was the host?

00:18:44.000 Is that his name?

00:18:44.000 Yeah.

00:18:45.000 That's funny.

00:18:45.000 Those early on guys can make you want to quit.

00:18:48.000 Oh, my God.

00:18:50.000 He was so good.

00:18:52.000 He was so polished.

00:18:54.000 I felt like such a slob.

00:18:56.000 No, the thing about him too was it was effortless and he made it look effortless.

00:19:01.000 It was just effortless.

00:19:02.000 He just went...

00:19:03.000 John Panette was a guy I saw.

00:19:05.000 I was just like...

00:19:07.000 It didn't make me want to quit, but I was just like...

00:19:09.000 I was just like, what the fuck was that?

00:19:11.000 He went up on a...

00:19:14.000 A Tuesday at Nick's.

00:19:15.000 Yes.

00:19:16.000 And it was like fucking, you know, there was like maybe 30 people.

00:19:18.000 This place held 400 people.

00:19:20.000 It's just like a lull.

00:19:20.000 It was like when I started was the 80s hangover and just stand-up was dead.

00:19:25.000 And there was like 30 people and there was a bunch of, you know, bitter comics going, this place used to be packed.

00:19:29.000 They'd be lying around the block.

00:19:30.000 You should quit.

00:19:31.000 All these fucking guys saying that.

00:19:33.000 So fucking Panette just dropped by, rest his soul.

00:19:36.000 He just dropped by and he went up and did 12 minutes and got a legit...

00:19:42.000 It wasn't, oh, you're John Panette.

00:19:44.000 Thank you for stopping by.

00:19:45.000 You're famous.

00:19:46.000 It was, he fucking murdered.

00:19:51.000 I think that was the first time he was kind of, it was that era when he was doing that you go now buffet bit.

00:19:55.000 Yes.

00:19:56.000 Where it just keeps, every time you think it got to the height of how funny it could be, it went to another level and then another and another.

00:20:03.000 The only time I ever saw a guy...

00:20:04.000 Maybe a guy like Regan or something, where they just have that, they just repeat that thing.

00:20:10.000 I was doing a tour with Norton Natal and Jim Brewer.

00:20:14.000 And Jim Brewer had a bit.

00:20:16.000 Never cursed.

00:20:17.000 About his dad shitting his pants?

00:20:18.000 His dad shitting his pants.

00:20:20.000 And the thing he kept going back to, other than you go now, was the...

00:20:24.000 Like he was gonna puke.

00:20:27.000 Dude, I remember the first time I saw him do that, I was in Atlantic City, and I was standing, there was a wall behind me, and I was laughing so hard, I started sliding down the wall.

00:20:39.000 I was holding my stomach going, what is that?

00:20:43.000 Brewer's an animal.

00:20:44.000 He's one of the most underrated comedians of all time.

00:20:46.000 The worst I ever ate it coming up ever was following Jim Brewer in like 91. At the Boston?

00:20:53.000 No, no, no.

00:20:54.000 We were at a comedy loft, I think in Nanuet, New York.

00:20:59.000 And I should not have been headlining.

00:21:01.000 I've been doing comedy.

00:21:02.000 I was just talking to Bobby Kelly about those gigs.

00:21:05.000 Those gigs where you shouldn't have been headlining, but you were.

00:21:08.000 No way!

00:21:08.000 I've been doing comedy maybe three years.

00:21:10.000 Four years, maybe.

00:21:11.000 Maybe four.

00:21:12.000 I just wasn't ready.

00:21:13.000 No way.

00:21:13.000 But my manager was good, and he got me a gig as a headliner.

00:21:16.000 He was just decent money.

00:21:17.000 Oh, and Brewer was middling?

00:21:19.000 Mm-hmm.

00:21:19.000 We were fine.

00:21:20.000 I was fine.

00:21:21.000 Until Late Show Saturday night.

00:21:23.000 When I tell you he went up like...

00:21:26.000 Just like a man possessed.

00:21:29.000 And he used to have this bit about coming home drunk, and his mother was a demon.

00:21:34.000 Do you remember the bit?

00:21:35.000 No, but I know his talent, so he's already doing him drunk, and then that demon voice that he's going to do, it's over.

00:21:40.000 And his facial expressions, and he just caught it.

00:21:44.000 He just caught it.

00:21:45.000 Where it was like, I mean, he had murdered all week.

00:21:48.000 He'd murdered all week, but I'd gotten by.

00:21:50.000 I did not have as good a set as him all week.

00:21:54.000 But I got by.

00:21:55.000 It was good.

00:21:55.000 Good enough.

00:21:56.000 Not embarrassing.

00:21:57.000 Saturday night.

00:21:59.000 Late show.

00:22:00.000 Lit me on fire.

00:22:01.000 Championship round.

00:22:02.000 Lit me on fire.

00:22:03.000 I walked off stage early.

00:22:04.000 I was supposed to do 45 minutes.

00:22:05.000 I think I did 35. It was death.

00:22:08.000 35 of death.

00:22:09.000 Nervous.

00:22:11.000 Feeling like an asshole.

00:22:12.000 Sweating.

00:22:12.000 Mouth drying up.

00:22:13.000 Terrible.

00:22:14.000 Terrible.

00:22:14.000 Leg shaking.

00:22:15.000 Took me forever to recover.

00:22:17.000 Took me weeks.

00:22:18.000 Weeks.

00:22:19.000 I had one one time.

00:22:21.000 I just did Vegas.

00:22:22.000 Whenever I go there...

00:22:24.000 I always go by the TROP, right?

00:22:28.000 That's what it is?

00:22:28.000 Yeah, Tropicana.

00:22:29.000 I was contracted to be the headliner, and I got bumped down to the middle act.

00:22:36.000 I got demoted.

00:22:38.000 Who was the middle?

00:22:39.000 I don't remember, but he was great.

00:22:41.000 And it was Frank Del Pizzo was the host.

00:22:44.000 And he was like a seasoned headliner.

00:22:46.000 The other guy was a seasoned headliner.

00:22:48.000 And I just said, I don't know, I was some young guy they were giving a fucking shot to.

00:22:51.000 So I went out there.

00:22:52.000 This is like the late 90s.

00:22:54.000 And I had my shiny black button down, I'm playing Vegas shirt, you know?

00:22:59.000 And I remember my manager at the time gave me shit about this shirt.

00:23:02.000 Going, you're going to wear that?

00:23:02.000 I go, yeah, it's fucking Vegas.

00:23:03.000 You can wear whatever you want.

00:23:05.000 So I walked into the club, and it was just where the trap was then.

00:23:09.000 It was like an older crowd, because they hadn't redone it or whatever, so it was just like their dying-off crowd.

00:23:15.000 So, dude, I went up there, and I did sort of okay.

00:23:20.000 I just did okay, but they both had better sets than me.

00:23:23.000 And then that was the Tuesday or the Wednesday.

00:23:26.000 And then the Wednesday I came up, and by then I started to have another not-good set.

00:23:31.000 And then I got in my head, like, I'm not going to be able to make these people laugh.

00:23:35.000 And I remember just seeing, like, there was just this lady back towards the kitchen.

00:23:39.000 And, like, her old lady, you know, that hair that looks like it's flammable.

00:23:42.000 It was just backlit.

00:23:44.000 And that's all I could see, dude.

00:23:46.000 And I just...

00:23:48.000 Went in and out of, like, bombing.

00:23:51.000 And so then, what was it?

00:23:53.000 Thursday morning comes.

00:23:54.000 I'm flying my girlfriend out at the time so she could see my big headlining set in Vegas.

00:23:59.000 My name's out on the sign, right?

00:24:02.000 And I remember she called...

00:24:05.000 I don't remember her name, but she called me up.

00:24:07.000 She's just like, Bill, it's so-and-so from the Trop.

00:24:10.000 How you doing?

00:24:10.000 I'm like, good, good.

00:24:12.000 She goes, yeah, so how do you think it's going?

00:24:16.000 That's what she said.

00:24:18.000 I was like, you know, I think it's going pretty good.

00:24:20.000 The crowd was a little old last night.

00:24:22.000 And she just goes, yeah, you know, I don't think it's happening.

00:24:26.000 And, you know, I think it'd be better if you just...

00:24:28.000 We're still going to pay the same money.

00:24:30.000 That was the worst part.

00:24:31.000 She was really nice about it.

00:24:34.000 And then I had to go down there that night.

00:24:37.000 My girlfriend was coming in the next night.

00:24:39.000 I had to go down there.

00:24:41.000 And...

00:24:44.000 I just remember coming in and Frank was looking at me and he was sort of looking at me like, how's he going to handle this?

00:24:50.000 And I just was just, I guess I suck or whatever.

00:24:52.000 And then they were both, they were never mean to me.

00:24:55.000 They were never mean to me.

00:24:56.000 They were both really, really cool guys and we had like a great weekend.

00:24:59.000 But then my girlfriend came down and it was just like, I had to explain to her why there was another person going on after me.

00:25:07.000 Did it go better with you as a middle?

00:25:10.000 Yeah, you know what it was?

00:25:11.000 Yeah, it went better, and then by the end of the weekend, I figured it out.

00:25:15.000 But I was never funnier than the headliner or Frank.

00:25:17.000 I just wasn't.

00:25:18.000 I wasn't seasoned.

00:25:20.000 I didn't know how...

00:25:22.000 To do it.

00:25:23.000 And it was my first weekend in Vegas.

00:25:27.000 Is that true?

00:25:28.000 I think it was.

00:25:29.000 It was my first weekend in Vegas.

00:25:30.000 Because then the next few years I would middle at the Improv at Harris.

00:25:35.000 So that was the thing.

00:25:37.000 You know what was funny was I was really depressed about it.

00:25:41.000 And my girlfriend didn't care.

00:25:43.000 She goes, no, we're still here.

00:25:44.000 We can go have a good time or whatever.

00:25:45.000 And then I was almost getting upset with her that she didn't understand.

00:25:48.000 Instead of being like, oh, wow, you're really cool.

00:25:52.000 That the reason you came out here was because you just wanted to hang with me.

00:25:54.000 I was too young and angry and self-involved.

00:25:59.000 It's hard when your girl sees you bummed, too.

00:26:02.000 Unfortunately, she didn't see that.

00:26:04.000 She just saw me...

00:26:07.000 Middle.

00:26:08.000 Middle.

00:26:08.000 That's not bad.

00:26:09.000 It could have been worse.

00:26:10.000 Yeah, she could have been there while the whole thing went down, I guess.

00:26:13.000 I don't know.

00:26:13.000 One of the worst bombings of my life.

00:26:15.000 I was working with JB Smooth, who's fucking phenomenal.

00:26:19.000 And I was supposed to be the headliner, but it was a weird college gig in the middle of nowhere in Jersey.

00:26:28.000 And it was hard to get to.

00:26:30.000 And there was no GPS back then, so you had to follow directions, right?

00:26:33.000 Yeah.

00:26:33.000 Remember those?

00:26:34.000 They'd give you a piece of paper.

00:26:35.000 They'd call you up.

00:26:36.000 Okay, you're going to take a right here and a left there, and then you take the one-on-one.

00:26:41.000 I used to know a bit about the person doing the bad directions.

00:26:44.000 Where they would go, okay, and then you're going to see a farmhouse on the right.

00:26:47.000 It has a red door, and there's cows out front.

00:26:50.000 You'd be like, alright, am I going to take a right there?

00:26:51.000 No, you're going to keep going.

00:26:52.000 And they just kept bringing up shit that you were going to see.

00:26:55.000 It's just like, finally, you're just like, just tell me the fucking thing that I'm going to see when I turn.

00:26:59.000 There's a grassy hill, and there's a scarecrow.

00:27:03.000 No, you're going to keep going.

00:27:04.000 It's just like...

00:27:05.000 Alright, sorry.

00:27:06.000 No worries.

00:27:07.000 So I miraculously got there on time, but JB did not.

00:27:11.000 And so they go, well, we're going to wait for JB because he's not here yet.

00:27:14.000 So I go, okay.

00:27:15.000 They go, well, we have a lounge.

00:27:17.000 You can go sit there and watch TV. So I watch TV and it's a special, a new special on the Malibu fires.

00:27:26.000 So this is probably like, whatever, 93 or something like that.

00:27:29.000 Some gigantic fires.

00:27:31.000 No, it was before 93. It was like 91, 92. and uh there was a fireman the fireman was weeping because he had saved his house but his neighbor lost his house and he had saved up all his money to help build this house this guy you know it was like his life's work to build his house but he was devastated because he was a fireman and his neighbors lost their house this guy's weeping he's weeping about his house and then they had this kid calling out for his dog they couldn't find the dog they lost the dog and they were hoping The dog

00:28:01.000 got away to safety.

00:28:02.000 So this kid's walking around.

00:28:04.000 Rusty?

00:28:05.000 Rusty?

00:28:06.000 Just walking down the street.

00:28:07.000 Rusty?

00:28:08.000 Rusty?

00:28:09.000 Then lady opens up the door.

00:28:11.000 JB's not here, so we're going to have you go on first.

00:28:13.000 I'm like, oh no.

00:28:16.000 So I went on stage thinking of that kid calling for the dog and the fireman crying.

00:28:21.000 And I just ate shit.

00:28:24.000 I mean, I had nothing.

00:28:25.000 There was nothing.

00:28:29.000 Did you have to do an hour?

00:28:30.000 No, I wound up doing...

00:28:32.000 I think I was supposed to do 45 minutes.

00:28:35.000 I wound up doing the 45 minutes.

00:28:36.000 And I mean, I ate shit.

00:28:37.000 I did not get any laughs.

00:28:40.000 I don't remember.

00:28:41.000 I mean, I was depressed.

00:28:42.000 I remember thinking I could never do this again.

00:28:44.000 I did it one other time, too, though.

00:28:45.000 I could never do this again.

00:28:46.000 It was fucking terrible.

00:28:48.000 To make matters worse, JB eventually got there.

00:28:51.000 Halfway into my set.

00:28:53.000 He goes on after me and fucking murders!

00:28:55.000 I mean murdered.

00:28:56.000 Nuked the room.

00:28:57.000 Flattened it.

00:28:58.000 These kids were so tired of me.

00:29:00.000 And I was like, look, I fucked up.

00:29:02.000 I watched this depression.

00:29:03.000 And they were so excited to see me because, you know, they have those college conference things where you go like NAFTA or whatever it is.

00:29:09.000 Is that what it's called?

00:29:10.000 What are those things called?

00:29:11.000 NACA? No, you just made me forget it.

00:29:16.000 Be on with an A. Yeah.

00:29:20.000 Something college campuses?

00:29:22.000 Whatever the fuck it is.

00:29:23.000 I never forgot that in my life.

00:29:24.000 You just said NAFTA. It was...

00:29:27.000 AFTRA? It's over.

00:29:29.000 Now I'll never remember it.

00:29:31.000 Someone's screaming it.

00:29:32.000 There's a comic out there screaming it into their community.

00:29:35.000 NACA! NACA! That's right.

00:29:37.000 So, I did NACA and murdered.

00:29:40.000 I mean murdered.

00:29:40.000 They told me, look, you can do it clean.

00:29:42.000 Strong interest forms.

00:29:43.000 I remember that.

00:29:44.000 Oh, strong interest.

00:29:45.000 Strong interest forms.

00:29:47.000 After those sets.

00:29:48.000 They said, look, I remember having a conversation with my agent.

00:29:51.000 She said, look...

00:29:53.000 I know you're not clean, but if you're clean, you can get a lot of gigs.

00:29:57.000 You can get a lot of gigs.

00:29:58.000 Yeah, that was the big switch.

00:30:00.000 People were eating shit.

00:30:02.000 They were eating shit at the conference because all these comics were nervous.

00:30:05.000 And I said, you know, I'm doing my club set.

00:30:06.000 I don't give a fuck.

00:30:07.000 I'm not a clean comic.

00:30:09.000 I can't do this.

00:30:09.000 I've already done this before.

00:30:10.000 I tried.

00:30:11.000 And I went up and I did all sex material and fucking murder.

00:30:14.000 So these kids were so excited to see me.

00:30:16.000 And I got there and just ate shit.

00:30:20.000 Oh, no.

00:30:21.000 And they were going, wait till this guy comes.

00:30:23.000 Oh, yeah.

00:30:23.000 Oh, wow.

00:30:24.000 He's the man.

00:30:25.000 He's going to be huge someday.

00:30:26.000 Oh, my God.

00:30:27.000 I ate shit.

00:30:28.000 So hard.

00:30:30.000 I'm just picturing you doing all your sex material depressed.

00:30:35.000 Bombing.

00:30:35.000 Just going.

00:30:36.000 Bombing.

00:30:36.000 You ever?

00:30:37.000 Not just bombing, but like...

00:30:38.000 You ever bang a girl doggy style?

00:30:39.000 Nah.

00:30:40.000 I think when you're old, but...

00:30:42.000 This is how you do it.

00:30:44.000 Not this scoliosis thing.

00:30:48.000 Because I remember having to follow that bit.

00:30:50.000 I remember that bit.

00:30:51.000 And that bit would fucking murder.

00:30:54.000 Not that night.

00:30:55.000 I remember that.

00:30:56.000 And then every chick in the room wanted to fuck you.

00:30:58.000 And then I would go on stage with my orange afro.

00:31:00.000 Hey, I have things to say.

00:31:02.000 Anybody?

00:31:03.000 Hi.

00:31:04.000 Yeah.

00:31:05.000 Yeah, I ate shit.

00:31:07.000 And one of the time I ate shit real bad.

00:31:09.000 I was headlining as well.

00:31:11.000 This one is not nearly as bad as the other two eat shits.

00:31:15.000 The Jim Brewer one was devastating.

00:31:16.000 But, in all fairness, it was good for me.

00:31:19.000 Because it changed my act.

00:31:20.000 It made me realize, like, you gotta respect people's fucking attention span.

00:31:23.000 You can't go up there thinking about yourself.

00:31:25.000 You gotta respect these people.

00:31:28.000 Paid money.

00:31:28.000 Work hard.

00:31:29.000 Like, you gotta be ready.

00:31:30.000 And you can't fucking take headliner gigs when you're not ready to headline.

00:31:33.000 I remember I did the same place a year and a half later and fucking murdered.

00:31:38.000 And I was so happy.

00:31:40.000 The guy said, wow, you fucking got better.

00:31:43.000 I'm like, thank you.

00:31:44.000 Thank you.

00:31:45.000 This thing almost went out.

00:31:46.000 The other time where I ate shit, I read a conspiracy theory book about JFK that I fucking love.

00:31:55.000 It's called Best Evidence by David Lifton.

00:31:57.000 This buddy of mine was in a band.

00:31:59.000 Behold a pale horse.

00:32:00.000 That's great reading before you go up.

00:32:03.000 We kind of came here to forget our problems.

00:32:06.000 Well, I read this and I was like, oh my god, they shot JFK. The government, the casket was empty.

00:32:13.000 They changed the autopsy.

00:32:15.000 I had all this shit in my head and I was 25. Written by some guy who wasn't there.

00:32:21.000 Well, it was written by a very credible guy who was actually paid.

00:32:23.000 He was an accountant and they hired him.

00:32:27.000 He was so inside they let him look in the casket.

00:32:29.000 They said, listen, I'm just going to show this to you.

00:32:32.000 There's nobody in here.

00:32:35.000 We did it.

00:32:36.000 Keep your mouth shut.

00:32:37.000 They hired him to go over the Warren Commission report, but they never expected anybody to read the entire report, because they reported like fucking 900 volumes or some shit.

00:32:44.000 Just an incredible amount of pages.

00:32:46.000 But this guy went over it with a fine-tooth comb, and he's like, this whole thing was horseshit.

00:32:50.000 Like, the whole Warren Commission report was horseshit.

00:32:53.000 They concocted all these different things.

00:32:55.000 So I went on stage with this thing in my head, like, oh my god, there's evil people running the government, and they killed Kennedy, and I'm the guy who's gonna save everybody.

00:33:05.000 So I ate shit on Thursday night.

00:33:08.000 And they were a little uneasy with me.

00:33:11.000 Because they knew I was doing well at clubs.

00:33:15.000 I was a comic they were looking forward to seeing.

00:33:18.000 And then the next night, I apologized.

00:33:20.000 I said, listen, I fucked up yesterday.

00:33:22.000 I read this conspiracy theory book.

00:33:23.000 It'll never happen again.

00:33:24.000 And I went up and killed the next night.

00:33:26.000 But I knew I had fucked up.

00:33:28.000 I knew it was a mistake.

00:33:31.000 You read the Declaration of Independence the next night before you went up.

00:33:35.000 I was just listening to ACDC only.

00:33:40.000 You know what's funny?

00:33:41.000 I listen to them on the way over here.

00:33:42.000 They'll never get over because I got the new Tool album and it's fucking unbelievable.

00:33:48.000 But I always end up just...

00:33:50.000 I can't get out of that fucking orbit.

00:33:52.000 I just ended up going back...

00:33:54.000 Well, it's such good shit, man.

00:33:56.000 It's such good.

00:33:57.000 When I need a really pick-me-up, I listen to a whole lot of Rosie.

00:34:01.000 Oh, yeah.

00:34:02.000 That'll get you going.

00:34:03.000 How fucking good is Dean Del Rey's voice?

00:34:06.000 How fucking good is his voice?

00:34:08.000 When he was singing that?

00:34:09.000 Oh, yeah.

00:34:10.000 Fuck.

00:34:10.000 You should have heard it.

00:34:11.000 You should have heard it in the forum.

00:34:12.000 I put it on my Instagram.

00:34:14.000 Dude, his voice is fucking phenomenal.

00:34:17.000 Yeah.

00:34:17.000 Wasn't it a whole lot of Rosie that he was singing?

00:34:19.000 Yeah.

00:34:20.000 He sang a whole bunch of shit.

00:34:21.000 He sang a whole bunch of shit.

00:34:22.000 His fucking voice is incredible.

00:34:25.000 Isn't he going through some weird back shit right now?

00:34:27.000 Does he have some bulging disc issues?

00:34:30.000 Yeah, I think it's left over from...

00:34:32.000 Use the torch, man.

00:34:32.000 Fuck these matches.

00:34:34.000 From the...

00:34:35.000 That's how easily...

00:34:36.000 Bike accident?

00:34:37.000 Just do heroin.

00:34:39.000 Fuck these cigars.

00:34:39.000 Okay, Joe.

00:34:41.000 From his motorcycle accident?

00:34:45.000 Whoa, that's a serious flame you gotta go in there, buddy.

00:34:48.000 Ooh, I like the sound, too.

00:34:52.000 Yeah, something like that.

00:34:53.000 It's kind of his story, so I'm not really sure.

00:34:55.000 I know...

00:34:56.000 I was joking with him.

00:34:57.000 I go, you realize...

00:34:59.000 Yeah, some bulging dick thing left from his motorcycle accident.

00:35:02.000 I said, you realize half of that is the motorcycle.

00:35:05.000 And the other half is you being a frontman of a fucking rock band banging your head for fucking two and a half decades.

00:35:11.000 He laughed.

00:35:12.000 I worked with him this weekend out in Vegas.

00:35:15.000 He fucking killed, but I noticed him trying to sit up and kind of be a little straight, but he's definitely getting through it.

00:35:21.000 And we hung out on X today and we saw Elton John because he's on the Farewell Toe.

00:35:25.000 It was fucking unreal.

00:35:25.000 Was it good?

00:35:26.000 Three hours, no opener, starts with a hit, plays nothing.

00:35:29.000 It was like closing bits for three hours.

00:35:31.000 Oh!

00:35:34.000 And then watching how he moves.

00:35:35.000 He stays pretty much at the piano, but watching how he moves, and then they show the old highlights, where he was in these fucking platform shoes, just slamming the piano, pushing himself up, almost bending over backwards, coming down.

00:35:48.000 He'd do that three, four times in a fucking row.

00:35:50.000 Look at him there.

00:35:52.000 Yeah.

00:35:52.000 Oh, there you go.

00:35:53.000 Yeah.

00:35:54.000 And when he walked, I just respected the shit out of him.

00:35:57.000 When I saw him walking, looking like an NFL running back, going, this fucking guy.

00:36:02.000 No, he realized people paid money.

00:36:05.000 Oh, you mean looking like a current NFL running back?

00:36:08.000 No, no, no.

00:36:08.000 I mean like walking like when you see those guys, not the guy who's getting elected into the Hall of Fame, the guys who've been in the Hall of Fame for 10 years when they come walking up to hug the other guy and all this shit kind of settled in.

00:36:20.000 Yeah, but like...

00:36:22.000 Look at his piano rotates and everything.

00:36:25.000 Smoke, fire.

00:36:26.000 Oh yeah.

00:36:27.000 Look at the background.

00:36:27.000 Just jamming on that thing like...

00:36:29.000 I actually missed that part.

00:36:31.000 I was at the Steak and Shake or something.

00:36:34.000 Speaking of tool and rock related injuries, you know Maynard, when he's on stage, he stomps his foot on the ground.

00:36:40.000 Like stomps.

00:36:41.000 Like, you know, he's always, like, stomped when he sings.

00:36:44.000 Well, he's a jiu-jitsu guy, and he was having a hard time, like, working on certain moves.

00:36:49.000 He's like, my fucking hip.

00:36:50.000 It's like something wrong with my hip.

00:36:52.000 He wound up having to get a hip replacement from stomping on the ground.

00:36:56.000 He stomped his hip out.

00:36:58.000 Do you know how Cogan, back when we were doing the Opie Anthony show, he came in, I was like, I thought this guy was, like, 6'7".

00:37:04.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:37:05.000 But he was, like, 6'4", and his arms...

00:37:08.000 Hung down to his knees, though.

00:37:10.000 And he ended up saying that because of that finishing move he did where he would leap up in the air and just land on his ass night after night after night, week after week, he lost three inches in height.

00:37:21.000 Yeah, all of his discs.

00:37:22.000 Yeah, it got so compacted.

00:37:24.000 Yeah.

00:37:25.000 All your discs deteriorate from wrestling.

00:37:29.000 Like, almost every wrestler I know, including me, I have a bunch of discs that are all fucked up.

00:37:34.000 But they're okay enough where I can get by.

00:37:37.000 And I use machines, like there's a machine called a Reverse Hyper, where it sort of decompresses your spine.

00:37:42.000 I do all this spinal decompression shit.

00:37:44.000 Actually, and I get Regenikine once a year, which is like this, it's like an advanced form of platelet-rich plasma.

00:37:51.000 I actually got it to I've got little band-aids on my back.

00:37:55.000 You're gonna fucking outlive all of us.

00:37:56.000 Listen, I've got the cash to pay for this shit.

00:37:59.000 I fucking take everything.

00:38:00.000 I'm like, what do you got?

00:38:02.000 What do you got that works?

00:38:03.000 Your body's like a restomod.

00:38:07.000 It's like, you look at him and he's 50-51, but underneath it's 2019. He's got a little iPod jacket in his fucking chest.

00:38:17.000 A restomod!

00:38:19.000 People don't even know what we're talking about.

00:38:21.000 We took an old car, like my Corvette.

00:38:23.000 Well, it's not out there.

00:38:24.000 But my Corvette, that's what it is.

00:38:26.000 It's like a 1965 on the outside.

00:38:28.000 But the inside is all 2000s.

00:38:31.000 The suspension is all brand new.

00:38:33.000 Modern chassis.

00:38:34.000 I like the underneath.

00:38:35.000 I don't like the interior also to look like.

00:38:38.000 Me too.

00:38:39.000 Yeah, it all has to look like.

00:38:42.000 Speaking of that, that's another reason why I had to go see that Tarantino movie twice.

00:38:45.000 In fact, that was fucking amazing.

00:38:47.000 I was so busy looking at all the cars.

00:38:50.000 And it has one of my favorite cars of all fucking time.

00:38:52.000 I'm not a speed guy.

00:38:54.000 I like cruising.

00:38:55.000 And there's a 67 Cadillac Eldorado in the color that I want in that.

00:39:00.000 It's one of the meanest looking fucking cars ever.

00:39:04.000 What color is it in the movie?

00:39:05.000 I don't remember.

00:39:05.000 It's like this.

00:39:06.000 I don't know what...

00:39:06.000 It's like a yellow or something?

00:39:07.000 Dean asked me that.

00:39:08.000 He's like, what's the factory color?

00:39:10.000 You know, because he knows it.

00:39:11.000 He knows all of that.

00:39:12.000 But he knows it, right?

00:39:13.000 It's like a...

00:39:15.000 There it is.

00:39:17.000 No, no.

00:39:17.000 That's...

00:39:19.000 That's Leo's car.

00:39:20.000 That's a hard car.

00:39:23.000 Doesn't he have a soft top in that?

00:39:25.000 No.

00:39:26.000 No, you know what I'm thinking of?

00:39:27.000 I'm thinking of strange things.

00:39:28.000 No, it's one of Sharon Tate's friends.

00:39:31.000 Just look up Cadillac Eldorado.

00:39:34.000 Because they're just going to have...

00:39:35.000 Yeah, the car Brad Pitt was driving.

00:39:38.000 This is Leonardo DiCaprio's best work.

00:39:41.000 Oh, he's amazing in it.

00:39:42.000 You've got to see it again.

00:39:43.000 He's amazing in it.

00:39:44.000 I'm actually going to see it for a third time to catch all this shit...

00:39:48.000 And I don't want to ruin it for anybody.

00:39:50.000 I'm not going to say anything.

00:39:51.000 So Leonardo DiCaprio has a different one than Brad Pitt does?

00:39:55.000 Well, Brad Pitt's character is driving Leo's car.

00:39:58.000 Oh, it's the yellow one that he's in that picture when he's leaning out the door.

00:40:01.000 No, no, no.

00:40:01.000 But the El Dorado, which I think is a 67, one of Sharon Tate's friends pulls up to her house in it.

00:40:09.000 Oh, okay.

00:40:10.000 Okay, a different scene.

00:40:12.000 Yeah, those old Cadillacs are fucking phenomenal.

00:40:14.000 Good luck getting one of those into the comedy store parking lot, though.

00:40:18.000 There's no room for anything else.

00:40:20.000 What I would like to do, yeah, just have everything be brand new underneath.

00:40:24.000 And then just, yeah, just drive in the fucking right lane, smoke a cigar.

00:40:27.000 You can get it done.

00:40:28.000 I know people.

00:40:28.000 I know I can, but that's a slippery slope.

00:40:31.000 Oh, I'm already down it.

00:40:32.000 I know you are.

00:40:33.000 Hey, you own a warehouse.

00:40:36.000 It's the slippery slope.

00:40:37.000 So I have my old truck.

00:40:40.000 I like going fast.

00:40:41.000 If I was at a track...

00:40:43.000 Dean went out and drove a bunch of fast cars out in Vegas.

00:40:46.000 He posted them, too.

00:40:48.000 He was showing how fucking cool it was.

00:40:50.000 That time I went out there, I took my lovely wife with me.

00:40:54.000 So we were doing...

00:40:55.000 You know, couple shit.

00:40:56.000 I wasn't going to be like, hey, thanks for coming to Vegas.

00:40:58.000 I'm going to go drive some fast cars.

00:41:00.000 They have a CVS that's all lit up, the Vegas style.

00:41:03.000 You should check that out, honey.

00:41:04.000 You know, like where the fuck would that get me?

00:41:06.000 But that was a good trip for us too, by the way.

00:41:09.000 A good family Vegas trip?

00:41:11.000 Yeah, it's a good thing to do as a married person to just sort of like my mother-in-law watched our kid and we came out there and it's hilarious.

00:41:20.000 That's nice, like dates.

00:41:21.000 Yeah, but we immediately go right back to like me and my wife have like ridiculous chemistry laughing like just totally on the same wavelength and it just fucking resets and I'm learning now like you gotta just with the day-to-day and dealing you know.

00:41:36.000 Do you guys do date nights?

00:41:37.000 Do you do a lot of date nights?

00:41:38.000 Yeah, probably not enough.

00:41:40.000 It's like everything.

00:41:41.000 Do you work out?

00:41:42.000 Yeah, not enough.

00:41:42.000 Well, yeah, not enough.

00:41:44.000 And then your relationship becomes like the same way.

00:41:46.000 And I've finally gotten out of my stupid fucking, you know, die on every hill, fucking argue everything, you know.

00:41:57.000 I'm getting out of that and I'm starting to understand how to do it.

00:42:03.000 The uniting competition with your wife.

00:42:05.000 That's what you've got to understand.

00:42:06.000 Yeah.

00:42:07.000 Yeah.

00:42:07.000 But then there's also that she's also human, so everything she says isn't right.

00:42:13.000 So you just have to pick...

00:42:16.000 Yeah.

00:42:16.000 You gotta pick...

00:42:17.000 Because I'm not gonna be that guy where it's, oh, happy wife, happy life.

00:42:21.000 Oh, those guys are done.

00:42:22.000 I watch whatever TV she wants to watch.

00:42:25.000 I'm envious of them.

00:42:27.000 Are you?

00:42:27.000 Because they have the smoothest fucking life.

00:42:30.000 Never lose their house.

00:42:32.000 They're just like this...

00:42:33.000 They're like a fucking...

00:42:35.000 You know those big doorman buildings where I got a package for you, Mr. Rogan?

00:42:39.000 Like, you become that in the relationship.

00:42:41.000 You should just wear, like, the bell cap or something like that.

00:42:46.000 You know what I mean?

00:42:48.000 Yes!

00:42:48.000 Those life or doormen.

00:42:49.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:42:51.000 They're like in a union.

00:42:52.000 Neutered.

00:42:53.000 Yeah.

00:42:53.000 I'm not saying there's anything wrong with being a doorman before everybody in a fucking uniform gives me shit.

00:42:59.000 Yeah, they're like, you become like that in the thing.

00:43:01.000 But no, we came back and last night, you know, before we went to bed, my wife was like glowing.

00:43:10.000 She was like, I had the best time.

00:43:11.000 And we barely did anything.

00:43:13.000 We just fucking hung out laughing.

00:43:15.000 You know?

00:43:16.000 You appreciate that a lot more once you have kids, because you realize, like, this is a rare moment.

00:43:21.000 This is hard to do.

00:43:22.000 It's hard to get away.

00:43:24.000 Yeah, I mean, yeah, it's hard to connect while someone's going, I want a popsicle!

00:43:29.000 I want a red popsicle!

00:43:31.000 Yeah, well, with my kids, they're older, so they fight with each other.

00:43:34.000 That's mine!

00:43:35.000 No, let me use it!

00:43:36.000 You're not even using it!

00:43:37.000 It's mine!

00:43:38.000 Yeah.

00:43:38.000 No, you can't use it!

00:43:40.000 Yeah.

00:43:40.000 And everything is just, you know, they're separated by two years, too.

00:43:44.000 So the little one is fierce, because she always feels like she's getting the short end of the stick from the older one.

00:43:49.000 Right.

00:43:49.000 So she fucking, she stands her ground, she draws a line in the sand, and, you know, she's ready to throw down.

00:43:55.000 It's awesome.

00:43:55.000 It's crazy.

00:43:56.000 She doesn't know how to apply it yet, but that's going to serve her well.

00:43:58.000 Oh, she's not taking any shit, I'll tell you that.

00:44:01.000 But she's a super sweetheart, too.

00:44:02.000 My daughter's at that age, you know, where I used to do a joke in my act that, like, I always love toddlers because they're, like, these little drunk people.

00:44:09.000 Like, they have no social graces.

00:44:11.000 You're, like, literally in the middle of a conversation, they come...

00:44:14.000 You start talking real loud.

00:44:15.000 You can't understand them.

00:44:17.000 That's kind of where we're at.

00:44:21.000 In the best way ever.

00:44:23.000 That is one of the advantages of being an older dad.

00:44:26.000 Everybody who fucked up being a dad, that look on their face, like, dude, it goes by so fast, man.

00:44:32.000 I'm telling you, cherish every fucking day.

00:44:34.000 They're like...

00:44:35.000 The ghost of Christmas past?

00:44:37.000 Yeah.

00:44:38.000 Scaring the shit out of you in a good way, I guess.

00:44:40.000 The cool thing when they get older is you do stuff with them and you take them places and go on vacations together and hang out with them all day long, 24 hours a day, multiple days in a row.

00:44:49.000 Every summer we go to somewhere in Europe or somewhere.

00:44:52.000 We went to Thailand last year.

00:44:54.000 Thailand and we did two.

00:44:56.000 I'm too intimidated to go there.

00:44:57.000 Thailand?

00:44:58.000 Yeah.

00:44:58.000 Oh, it's amazing.

00:45:00.000 These people are so nice.

00:45:01.000 Yeah.

00:45:01.000 So nice.

00:45:02.000 It's hot as fuck and they got weird bugs.

00:45:04.000 And my little one got lit up by bugs, man.

00:45:07.000 She had an allergic reaction to something that bit her and her whole hand was swollen.

00:45:12.000 It was a real freak out moment.

00:45:13.000 Like, fuck, we're in Thailand and something's medically going wrong here.

00:45:19.000 But it's also weird, too.

00:45:20.000 It's like their culture is very odd.

00:45:21.000 Assuming that had a happy ending?

00:45:23.000 Yeah, yeah, it did.

00:45:23.000 We were at a resort, luckily.

00:45:25.000 Built me up for the apex of emotion.

00:45:28.000 Get some toothpaste the other day.

00:45:31.000 No, we got some medicine, and they applied a topical medicine to it and actually went down.

00:45:36.000 By the next day, it was okay.

00:45:38.000 But it was an issue.

00:45:39.000 Yeah, scary.

00:45:40.000 It's 24 hours.

00:45:41.000 Thailand's hot, you know, it's muggy.

00:45:43.000 Road elephants, we did the whole day.

00:45:45.000 Hung out in the jungle.

00:45:47.000 It was wild, the sounds that the jungle makes.

00:45:49.000 Oh, yeah, yeah, I remember seeing that.

00:45:50.000 Yeah, pictures of elephants.

00:45:52.000 No, on your Instagram.

00:45:53.000 Instagram, yeah.

00:45:54.000 Elephants are cool, man.

00:45:55.000 They're weird.

00:45:56.000 It's a weird little relationship you have with these animals.

00:45:58.000 They're so gentle.

00:45:59.000 As long as they know that you are a kind person and you're taking care of them...

00:46:04.000 Because the people that run this...

00:46:06.000 They run an elephant rescue thing.

00:46:08.000 It's really kind of cool.

00:46:09.000 I don't know about that, Joe.

00:46:10.000 That I'm a kind person?

00:46:11.000 No.

00:46:12.000 That an elephant is just like...

00:46:15.000 You know what?

00:46:15.000 I don't really feel like yanking these logs up and down this fucking hill.

00:46:18.000 I don't even understand why I'm doing this shit.

00:46:20.000 This guy seems pretty cool.

00:46:21.000 No, no, no.

00:46:22.000 Not like that.

00:46:23.000 You don't do anything with him other than feed him and you get to ride him.

00:46:26.000 And people are a little bummed out about riding him.

00:46:29.000 And I'm like, I don't really recommend riding him.

00:46:31.000 My family wanted to ride them, and a lot of these people ride.

00:46:35.000 But the whole thing is a rescue thing.

00:46:37.000 They take these animals that are in circuses and all these different sort of mistreated animals, and they take care of them, and they let them live in a wild environment.

00:46:45.000 They roam free.

00:46:46.000 They just feed them.

00:46:48.000 So the elephants stay by.

00:46:49.000 But they go off on their own, too.

00:46:51.000 And then they come back.

00:46:52.000 But they have these big piles of sugarcane.

00:46:54.000 And so they're eating the sugarcane.

00:46:56.000 They'll just stop while you're walking with them.

00:46:58.000 And they just rip a fucking tree out of its roots and start eating it.

00:47:01.000 You realize how goddamn strong they are?

00:47:03.000 They are fucking preposterously strong.

00:47:05.000 I wish that we viewed them more as like roommates than like ours.

00:47:11.000 So we divvied the planet up a little smarter.

00:47:15.000 Yeah.

00:47:16.000 I shut my phone up.

00:47:18.000 I found this picture on Instagram of this tiger and the fucking thing looks like it's legs back.

00:47:26.000 It looks like it's doing dips and just the fucking muscles.

00:47:30.000 It doesn't even look real.

00:47:32.000 That thing exists on this planet and was just walking around free that you could just bump into.

00:47:39.000 I understand when people first came out here and they eradicated...

00:47:46.000 That's along the lines of it.

00:47:48.000 I mean, look at that.

00:47:49.000 Fuck.

00:47:50.000 How many pull-ups, Joe, do you need to do to fucking look like that?

00:47:55.000 Oh my god.

00:47:56.000 Look at the fucking muscles on that thing.

00:47:58.000 You must have seen that one.

00:47:59.000 Did you ever see that one where they were fucking with that tiger and that dude was on the elephant?

00:48:02.000 On the elephant, yeah.

00:48:04.000 And this thing took off like Jordan in the dunking contest.

00:48:06.000 And every time it reached its apex, it kept going up like fucking Zion there on Duke.

00:48:12.000 Yeah.

00:48:12.000 And it barely grazed the guy's arm when it clawed him.

00:48:16.000 It tore it apart.

00:48:17.000 Yeah, the guy, like, he had nerve damage and his fucking arm didn't work.

00:48:20.000 Oh, yeah, for sure.

00:48:21.000 Yeah, I mean, there's a great video, a recent video, like, two weeks ago, of these guys on a motorcycle in India, and they're riding on a motorcycle, the tiger's chasing them, and the tiger almost gets them.

00:48:31.000 It's full clip chasing them.

00:48:33.000 I actually looked how fast they can run, and I'm surprised, because the guy was on, like, a scooter or something.

00:48:38.000 They can go, like, 40 miles an hour, I think.

00:48:40.000 I think what fucked them up was the surface.

00:48:42.000 That he started running on.

00:48:44.000 Right, right, right.

00:48:44.000 If he was more in his element, they get like a dog in a kitchen, gets a little fucking woke.

00:48:48.000 I think the tiger did that for a little bit.

00:48:50.000 They slide!

00:48:51.000 Yeah, for a little bit.

00:48:52.000 Yeah, on the concrete, right?

00:48:53.000 Yeah.

00:48:54.000 Or maybe just the sound of the engine was just like, that doesn't sound tasty.

00:48:56.000 Well, it's one of the rare places on Earth where tigers hunt people.

00:49:01.000 There's a history of them hunting people.

00:49:03.000 They hunt or they come upon them and go, I'll eat them.

00:49:05.000 No, they hunt them.

00:49:06.000 There's an area called the Sundarbans.

00:49:08.000 And the Sundarbans, tigers over the last 200 years, have killed more than 300,000 people there.

00:49:14.000 They actively hunt people.

00:49:15.000 You know, believe it or not, it's a quick death.

00:49:19.000 Oh, yeah.

00:49:20.000 I already know what I would ever do if I ever came in contact with a tiger.

00:49:23.000 Just do those?

00:49:24.000 That's exactly what I would do.

00:49:25.000 Give them the neck?

00:49:28.000 And make some defensive moves, like offensive moves, just to get him to go right towards it.

00:49:32.000 Ugh.

00:49:33.000 It's just like the UFC guys.

00:49:35.000 You're all like, I would rather get fucking choked out than knocked out.

00:49:39.000 It's the same thing.

00:49:40.000 You just go to sleep.

00:49:41.000 Yeah, you just sleep.

00:49:42.000 I mean, it probably hurts for a second.

00:49:44.000 And then it's over.

00:49:46.000 It hurts for a second, then as you start to go, I think the last thing that's as bad is the smell of the tiger.

00:49:51.000 Oh, the breath.

00:49:52.000 The breath of death.

00:49:52.000 The gamey.

00:49:53.000 Rotten meat breath.

00:49:54.000 Or just the fact, you know, they don't really bathe.

00:49:56.000 Oh, they swim, don't they?

00:49:57.000 Yeah, they swim occasionally.

00:49:59.000 Yeah, they can swim fast.

00:50:00.000 This is how fast they can swim.

00:50:01.000 You smell amazing.

00:50:04.000 Did you see those two poor women who, they were going to take a fucking hike through the rainforest and decided to go themselves?

00:50:15.000 No.

00:50:16.000 Gone.

00:50:16.000 What happened?

00:50:17.000 They found their clothes.

00:50:19.000 Where was this?

00:50:20.000 Which rainforest?

00:50:21.000 I don't know.

00:50:22.000 I was right up your fucking alley.

00:50:25.000 Recent?

00:50:26.000 I was surprised it wasn't on your Instagram.

00:50:28.000 That's some Rogan shit right there.

00:50:31.000 It's a bummer, man.

00:50:32.000 People get confused and they don't understand.

00:50:36.000 You're a moving thing and you don't move quick.

00:50:39.000 And they're all about eating moving things.

00:50:41.000 If you're moving, they're trying to eat you.

00:50:44.000 If you're by yourself, they're going to eat you.

00:50:46.000 Well, it's amazing that wherever we started on this planet, that our brain was able to cover for the fact of how fucking slow we are.

00:50:58.000 We're slower than squirrels.

00:51:00.000 Everything.

00:51:01.000 Everything is lightning fast out there.

00:51:03.000 Except sloths.

00:51:05.000 Sloths.

00:51:05.000 I know, but that's their job.

00:51:08.000 To get eaten.

00:51:09.000 Yeah.

00:51:10.000 Seems like it.

00:51:11.000 Yeah.

00:51:11.000 They're like jalapeno poppers for fucking...

00:51:13.000 You know that bullshit that you just ordered?

00:51:17.000 You want to go, yeah, fuck it, let's get that.

00:51:18.000 Let's have a sloth.

00:51:19.000 Yeah.

00:51:20.000 Yeah.

00:51:21.000 Before you go after the real thing you're trying to eat?

00:51:23.000 One of my favorite videos is watching harpy eagles kill sloths.

00:51:27.000 They swoop in and snatch them.

00:51:29.000 They're like the largest eagles in South America.

00:51:31.000 I did a zipline tour in Costa Rica.

00:51:34.000 I did that?

00:51:35.000 Yeah, and the guy knew how to make the noise of this fucking ridiculous wingspan bird that doesn't really exist in that area anymore, but they're just in their DNA for them to freak out.

00:51:44.000 He goes, it's a three-toed sloth, and he imitated it.

00:51:46.000 And the fucking thing just kind of looked around a little bit.

00:51:51.000 It's like, dude, you just gave that thing a mini fucking heart attack.

00:51:54.000 We did a zip line that was one mile.

00:51:57.000 You get on it, you zip across for one mile.

00:51:59.000 And as I'm sliding on this thing, with my family, by the way, I'm thinking, when was the last time they checked this?

00:52:04.000 Who's checking this?

00:52:04.000 Those are great thoughts to have.

00:52:06.000 The fucking ladder was rusted and then ratchet bolted.

00:52:10.000 So they had like straps where they ratcheted where the ladder had rusted.

00:52:14.000 And then they just grabbed ahold of the strap and like clamped down on it.

00:52:18.000 And Tied it to the fucking tree, and we're climbing up this, and it's like, watch out there, that part's rusted through.

00:52:24.000 Like, what?

00:52:25.000 That's rusted through.

00:52:26.000 And then you get to the top, and they latch you up to this thing, and I'm telling you, you're above the rainforest, and it's just...

00:52:32.000 And you go for like fucking 10 minutes.

00:52:34.000 People don't understand how high those...

00:52:37.000 We were just in the bullshit.

00:52:39.000 We were just in the very tippity-top.

00:52:41.000 We were in Costa Rica, so we weren't like in the shit.

00:52:44.000 And I just remember, like, the thing where we were doing, you know, the little, I guess, platform that you went up to was so fucking high off the ground, and it was a third up the tree.

00:52:56.000 Yeah.

00:52:56.000 Like when we were looking up at the three-toed slot that was over there, it was like another four or five hundred feet, it seemed.

00:53:02.000 It was ridiculous.

00:53:03.000 It was fucking ridiculous.

00:53:06.000 Yeah.

00:53:07.000 Nature, man.

00:53:08.000 Nature, man.

00:53:09.000 There's a fucking great story recently of a guy.

00:53:12.000 He's a musician and he was recording sounds of nature and he fell asleep and a bear ate him.

00:53:18.000 So it's a recording of him getting eaten while he's recording sounds of nature.

00:53:25.000 Bears seem like it's a long death.

00:53:27.000 Oh, yeah.

00:53:28.000 They just eat you.

00:53:29.000 They just hold you down like a salmon and start chewing chunks off of you.

00:53:32.000 Oh, yeah, they do.

00:53:33.000 Yeah, because they're omnivores.

00:53:35.000 Omnivores are the worst thing to get killed by.

00:53:37.000 You're better off getting killed by a predator because predators generally just want to kill you and kill you as quick as they can.

00:53:43.000 But bears, first of all, there are no predators other than other bears and humans with rifles.

00:53:49.000 And if they're in a place where there's no humans with rifles, they're at the top of the food chain.

00:53:53.000 So they just...

00:53:54.000 Put a paw down on you so they hold you in place and just start chewing chunks of you.

00:53:58.000 Just eating chunks of you off.

00:54:00.000 The video of the Grizzly Man?

00:54:02.000 It's my special.

00:54:04.000 Tonight at midnight on Netflix.

00:54:06.000 Do you know what?

00:54:07.000 My brother called me up one time.

00:54:09.000 I called him after he had watched some video and it was one of those Komodo dragons.

00:54:16.000 And it somehow grabbed like a deer-looking thing.

00:54:19.000 Whatever the fuck is in its world that's like that.

00:54:21.000 And it...

00:54:22.000 I'm sorry, people.

00:54:23.000 But it snapped its fucking leg.

00:54:26.000 And he said the thing was laying there.

00:54:28.000 And it couldn't move.

00:54:29.000 And it just started eating the thing's guts.

00:54:32.000 And the deer's sound of...

00:54:34.000 Ah!

00:54:35.000 Don't!

00:54:36.000 Shut that fucking thing off!

00:54:37.000 I don't watch any of that.

00:54:38.000 I don't watch execution videos.

00:54:40.000 I don't watch that on my hard drive.

00:54:43.000 I'm gonna bomb tonight watching that.

00:54:45.000 How do you find it that quick?

00:54:46.000 Jesus Christ, this guy's good.

00:54:47.000 He's got them saved.

00:54:49.000 Yeah, there's a great one of a Komodo dragon eating a monkey.

00:54:53.000 And it's got, like, it might be a baboon.

00:54:58.000 Baboons are no joke.

00:54:59.000 I never knew.

00:54:59.000 When they fucking yawn, you're like, oh shit, that's like a tiger monkey.

00:55:02.000 It's like a dog monkey.

00:55:04.000 That's what it's like.

00:55:05.000 Like a wolf monkey.

00:55:09.000 They eat kids.

00:55:10.000 Somebody's got a new band named that.

00:55:12.000 Wolf monkey.

00:55:13.000 That's a good name for a band.

00:55:14.000 There's a great video of this Komodo dragon.

00:55:16.000 He's got this monkey's feet and tail hanging out of his mouth.

00:55:20.000 He's going...

00:55:21.000 Just slowly choking this thing down, eating this entire monkey hole.

00:55:28.000 And the tail and the little feet are poking out.

00:55:30.000 It's like...

00:55:34.000 See if you can find that.

00:55:35.000 Show with the bill.

00:55:36.000 No.

00:55:37.000 I honestly don't want to watch that.

00:55:38.000 Just put it on that one so I can see.

00:55:39.000 Can you put it on one TV? Can you do that while I talk about my new special coming up?

00:55:44.000 Paper Tiger.

00:55:45.000 Speaking of animals, why Paper Tiger?

00:55:50.000 Because I just think we're in a hilarious time.

00:55:53.000 Because you already took strange time.

00:55:55.000 I have to stop saying...

00:55:56.000 Like, the amount of times I had to stop saying it's a weird time.

00:55:59.000 It's the name of Joe Special.

00:56:01.000 Because it just is.

00:56:02.000 Like, what we're focusing on...

00:56:04.000 Like, oh my god!

00:56:07.000 Can you fucking believe this?

00:56:08.000 While this real...

00:56:10.000 Like, half the shit that's going on, if it's true, is like you could make a Will Smith or a Tom Cruise movie.

00:56:17.000 One of those end-of-the-world movies where they...

00:56:19.000 Except, you know, it's not going to have a happy ending.

00:56:21.000 And it's just like...

00:56:24.000 It just kind of strikes me, I don't know.

00:56:27.000 And it was also...

00:56:28.000 I wanted people to watch it and have fun.

00:56:31.000 Like, I'm not trying to fucking hurt anybody.

00:56:33.000 It's not malicious.

00:56:35.000 But I'm doing my job.

00:56:37.000 I'm talking about what's in the news and I'm fucking around.

00:56:40.000 And it's part that and then the other part is just me...

00:56:43.000 Talking about my flaws, my temper, and trying to work that shit out.

00:56:46.000 That's all this fucking thing is.

00:56:48.000 And for some reason, not just saying stand-up, just a lot of shit that is not...

00:56:54.000 As far as if you had priorities.

00:56:57.000 If your house just burnt down, you're not being like, God, we have to get a new toaster.

00:57:02.000 It's like, no, we need shelter.

00:57:04.000 That's the number one thing.

00:57:05.000 But there's all this shit that's a line of importance, like line 42...

00:57:10.000 Is getting gassed up to, like, number seven or number eight or something like that.

00:57:15.000 And I already know people are going to be like, you know, typical white male!

00:57:19.000 Because you can't, like, all of that shit, you know?

00:57:22.000 There's just something funny about how overtly, I don't know, I guess, reversed, like, it's like you're doing the same fucking thing and you don't even realize you're doing it.

00:57:35.000 As you're saying, like, some groups of people, not all of them, I've been joking how a lot of feminists are smart, but it's not the ones that are on TV. It's like sports fans.

00:57:46.000 A lot of sports fans are really smart, but not the ones that call in sports talk radio.

00:57:53.000 You know what I mean?

00:57:54.000 It's like when we would do the Opie and Anthony show.

00:57:59.000 Like Howard Stern.

00:58:01.000 Back in the day when he would do live remotes.

00:58:03.000 I love Howard Stern.

00:58:05.000 I love Opie and Anthony.

00:58:06.000 But if I was a fan of this show, I don't have time and I'm not going to some fucking mall in the middle of the day blowing off work or whatever.

00:58:15.000 Because I'm trying to get my own shit going.

00:58:16.000 The people that show up, you love them because they're diehards.

00:58:20.000 But they're out of their fucking minds.

00:58:24.000 So, it just has to do with that.

00:58:26.000 I'm kind of...

00:58:30.000 It doesn't necessarily have to do with me, but it does.

00:58:32.000 It's one of those things.

00:58:33.000 And it's also another way of saying that I'm full of shit.

00:58:37.000 Yeah, you're a paper tiger.

00:58:38.000 Yeah, exactly.

00:58:40.000 There'll be an Anthony days.

00:58:41.000 Remember when they used to have stadium seating, like small stadium seating in the studio?

00:58:46.000 And guys would come in.

00:58:47.000 They would let fans come in the studio and sit and watch the show.

00:58:51.000 Those are the good old days.

00:58:52.000 Yep.

00:58:53.000 Every time I go to New York, it's like a void.

00:58:57.000 Somebody said it perfectly, like, you know, Phantom Limb, you know?

00:59:01.000 Yeah.

00:59:01.000 That's what it feels like.

00:59:03.000 Oh, I'm in New York and I'm gonna...

00:59:05.000 Doesn't exist.

00:59:06.000 That was the last show that I used to get up early for.

00:59:09.000 and when they were together before anthony got kicked out and yeah and opie and jimmy and anthony were all together it was amazing that was like seeing a band with all the original members on the first couple of albums tour before david lee goes solo and then you know well they were the first guys to get ported over to xm too right they were the first or i think they were were they before howard or around the same time But they were the first...

00:59:39.000 That was when it was XM and then Sirius.

00:59:43.000 Yeah, I think Howard was on Sirius, they were on XM, and then they merged.

00:59:47.000 But they were the first show, the first radio show, that let you just fuck around.

00:59:54.000 Like, Howard is amazing, right?

00:59:56.000 Greatest radio personality of all time, by far.

00:59:58.000 But Howard controlled the show.

01:00:00.000 He had you on.

01:00:01.000 He had the board in front of him.

01:00:03.000 He controlled the board.

01:00:04.000 He asked you questions.

01:00:05.000 He had an agenda.

01:00:07.000 And, you know, he was trying to make the show as entertaining as possible, and they got ready.

01:00:10.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:00:11.000 O&A. You just fucking...

01:00:12.000 Come on in, guys.

01:00:13.000 Come on in, Patrice.

01:00:14.000 Come on in, Bill.

01:00:15.000 Ari Shaffir.

01:00:15.000 Have a seat.

01:00:16.000 And everybody...

01:00:17.000 You'd be in the room.

01:00:18.000 Ricky Gervais.

01:00:18.000 Ten fucking people in the room.

01:00:20.000 Norton.

01:00:21.000 Norton would be doing fucking creepy characters.

01:00:24.000 I mean, it was the...

01:00:25.000 It was the birth for me.

01:00:27.000 Jav Talk Jimmy was my favorite one.

01:00:29.000 Oh, he was...

01:00:30.000 Jav Talk Jimmy.

01:00:31.000 He didn't do it enough.

01:00:34.000 That's like a deep cut Jim Norton.

01:00:36.000 Jive Talk Jimmy was one of my favorite ones.

01:00:38.000 It was so silly, which is my favorite thing ever.

01:00:42.000 Highly intelligent people being silly is one of my favorite things ever.

01:00:46.000 And Jim and Patrice were sort of the king of that.

01:00:50.000 Oh, yeah.

01:00:51.000 Super, super, super next level smart and just silly.

01:00:55.000 Really silly.

01:00:56.000 When Howard went...

01:00:58.000 From terrestrial radio to Sirius, it was like he died.

01:01:03.000 Because I didn't have, until I got Sirius in my car.

01:01:07.000 So that's like my favorite thing about my car.

01:01:09.000 Because I listen to them every fucking morning.

01:01:11.000 And I gotta get them up.

01:01:12.000 And it's like the old days.

01:01:13.000 Like when I first came to New York.

01:01:15.000 And I get to listen to it.

01:01:17.000 They were the birth of podcasts.

01:01:18.000 Whether they realize it or not.

01:01:20.000 They were the birth of podcasts.

01:01:22.000 Because ONA was like a podcast.

01:01:24.000 Like this podcast.

01:01:26.000 We didn't even talk about what we were going to talk about.

01:01:29.000 There's no fucking discussion whatsoever.

01:01:31.000 Obviously, you and I don't have to do that, but we wouldn't anyway.

01:01:34.000 We'd just come in here and shoot the shit.

01:01:36.000 That's all they ever did.

01:01:37.000 Come on in, shoot the shit.

01:01:39.000 What the fuck's going on?

01:01:41.000 Anthony would have a gun on him.

01:01:42.000 Look.

01:01:44.000 There's a fucking gun everywhere to this day.

01:01:48.000 A guy doesn't go to piss in the middle of the night without a gun.

01:01:50.000 My favorite deep-cut Anthony character was the guy with giantism.

01:01:55.000 Did you ever hear him do that guy?

01:01:57.000 No.

01:01:57.000 I can't do it.

01:01:59.000 You know the giantism when they get that voice?

01:02:01.000 By the time I was eight, I was nine feet tall.

01:02:04.000 I can't do it.

01:02:06.000 He would do this fucking thing.

01:02:08.000 I'd always go in there dragging ass and then something like that would happen and then it just felt like two in the afternoon somehow and you look at your watch and it was like fucking 7.02 in the morning.

01:02:18.000 Do you remember when Anthony did Live from the Compound?

01:02:23.000 He built a studio in his basement.

01:02:25.000 That's when I was like going, this is not going to last.

01:02:27.000 This guy's literally building...

01:02:29.000 It's just like...

01:02:31.000 It's like we're in business selling ice cream and I'm building my own ice cream parlor at home.

01:02:36.000 No, no, Joe.

01:02:37.000 I'm in this business with you.

01:02:38.000 I knew like...

01:02:40.000 They were going to fall apart.

01:02:41.000 You know what's funny is what did that show and is also what made it great.

01:02:45.000 Yeah.

01:02:46.000 Like, you know how they used to play the...

01:02:47.000 Oh, shit.

01:02:47.000 They used to play the...

01:02:48.000 Sorry about that.

01:02:48.000 They used to play the Clint Eastwood thing.

01:02:52.000 I always thought the theme to that show should have been the wheels on the bus go round and round because it was just like...

01:02:59.000 And the thing was, you were on the bus, but you were outside it.

01:03:04.000 I always felt like when I went in there, that Raiders of the Lost Ark, you know, when Harrison Ford's on the hood and you're grabbing onto the hood ornament trying not to go underneath it.

01:03:15.000 And some days you hung on and then other days...

01:03:18.000 Yeah.

01:03:18.000 Except it didn't have the happy ending.

01:03:20.000 You didn't have the whip to hang on to it.

01:03:22.000 You just fucking...

01:03:22.000 Do you remember the day we were there and Pat from Unaki threw up in Pat Duffy's mouth?

01:03:29.000 That was your idea.

01:03:30.000 Yeah.

01:03:31.000 And then that dude, Nathaniel, he was the one that coined it the baby.

01:03:35.000 I got credit for some reason.

01:03:36.000 I think Dan's voice sounded like me.

01:03:38.000 He came up...

01:03:39.000 Oh, he came up.

01:03:39.000 I've been saying it's you.

01:03:41.000 No, your idea...

01:03:43.000 It was your idea.

01:03:44.000 You were like, the only thing that could top this.

01:03:48.000 For those who didn't see it, it's such a brilliant idea.

01:03:52.000 It was the eggnog drinking contest, and you had to do a double shot, like it was bourbon, but it was eggnog, like every 30 seconds.

01:03:59.000 And the returning champion was Pat from Munaki, who had diabetes and lost a toe to it already.

01:04:07.000 It was just sitting there...

01:04:10.000 And then he continued to drink it to do the bit that you came up with.

01:04:15.000 I mean, there has to be like a, you know when like a broadcaster can get into the Sports Hall of Fame just because, you know, he never played the game, but he like, you know, because of what he added to it.

01:04:29.000 I always thought that Pat Munaki should have been like, they should have been like a Chick Hearn Johnny Moe's sort of award that he, with his health, continued to drink...

01:04:42.000 I remember when people posted that video, everyone was saying, fake, this isn't real, and that made me enjoy it real.

01:04:48.000 I was like, no, that was real, and I was there.

01:04:51.000 There was plastic bags all over the ground.

01:04:53.000 Remember, they put plastic everywhere, all over the ground, because they knew that people were going to throw up.

01:04:58.000 They had the garbage can ready, and then Pat Duffy leans his head over the edge of the garbage can, and then Pat from Wunaki just, here comes...

01:05:06.000 You see him?

01:05:07.000 And then it keeps coming.

01:05:09.000 It keeps coming.

01:05:10.000 It's like way crazier than Stand By Me.

01:05:12.000 It was like a hybrid.

01:05:13.000 You just went...

01:05:13.000 It just fucking came out and then somebody kept shutting it off.

01:05:16.000 And every time...

01:05:17.000 I mean, it was like a...

01:05:19.000 There it is!

01:05:20.000 There it is!

01:05:21.000 Dude, I can't watch this.

01:05:22.000 You can't watch this?

01:05:22.000 You know, I still can't tell the story.

01:05:24.000 If I tell it in detail, I start gagging.

01:05:27.000 Oh, see, Fear Factor killed all that in me.

01:05:29.000 I never...

01:05:30.000 Dude, I'll tell the one that makes me gag.

01:05:32.000 I start to gag.

01:05:33.000 Is when there was the dude...

01:05:41.000 It was tremendous.

01:05:43.000 I'll say it real quick just to plop through it.

01:05:45.000 You're tearing up.

01:05:48.000 There was a dude who got knocked out.

01:05:51.000 So then what he did was he started...

01:05:53.000 He puked into a pitcher.

01:05:56.000 He puked into a pitcher and then he was drinking his own puke trying to make the other people puke.

01:06:03.000 So then somebody dared this guy to take a swig from it.

01:06:07.000 And he had like this hipster Viking level beard.

01:06:10.000 And he...

01:06:14.000 I can't do it.

01:06:15.000 This is like fucking 10 years later.

01:06:16.000 He took this Viking-level swig.

01:06:19.000 He just threw it back.

01:06:21.000 So he gave himself kind of like a facial with it, and then he puked into the picture, I think.

01:06:26.000 And I remember it was in his beard.

01:06:28.000 There's a point in that show where I almost puke.

01:06:33.000 Yeah.

01:06:34.000 That's the crazy thing about seeing so many people puke.

01:06:37.000 Oh, Bill's gonna go!

01:06:38.000 And I was like hanging on to the fucking table.

01:06:42.000 Yeah, we didn't realize that at the time.

01:06:44.000 But those are some of the greatest moments of our life.

01:06:46.000 But you've got to forgive yourself that because you were in the moment.

01:06:52.000 Oh, yeah.

01:06:52.000 I was feeling like melancholy when I was in Vegas.

01:06:55.000 And I was sitting in my room smoking a cigar with Bobby Kelly and Rick D'Elia from Boston scene, right?

01:07:03.000 And we were sitting there and I was looking down at the strip before they came over.

01:07:09.000 And I was thinking about the first time I came out there.

01:07:11.000 It was right before they imploded the sands or the dunes or something.

01:07:14.000 They were starting to implode those old ones.

01:07:17.000 And just walking up and down the strip.

01:07:20.000 And the real was the new Hot One casino.

01:07:24.000 And just all the great fucking times and crazy fucking stories and all that.

01:07:29.000 And then just walking around Vegas being old now.

01:07:33.000 And seeing all these young people like, and you want to stop them.

01:07:36.000 And just be like, dude, if there's any way to take this in, do it.

01:07:40.000 Because, you know, at my age, if I was to continue doing that, you're just a creep.

01:07:45.000 And I really respect younger people where it's just like, this is their time.

01:07:50.000 Let them have it.

01:07:51.000 That's their club.

01:07:52.000 Don't be standing in there with your white whiskers and shit fucking.

01:07:57.000 Listen, trying to listen to their DJ music.

01:07:59.000 Just get the fuck out of there.

01:08:01.000 Let them enjoy their generation's drugs and let them have their fucking stories and just, yeah.

01:08:06.000 Yeah.

01:08:07.000 There's no way you could impart that on anyone, though.

01:08:10.000 Tell them to soak it up and enjoy it.

01:08:12.000 I had moments where I remember thinking when I was young, like, wow, this is a wild moment.

01:08:16.000 Well, I remember you that night after the baby bird.

01:08:20.000 You were at Caroline's.

01:08:22.000 You were at Caroline's, and I went down there, and you had that fucking grin on your face.

01:08:26.000 You're like, that was great radio.

01:08:28.000 I was just like...

01:08:30.000 I told the whole fucking story.

01:08:35.000 I came home.

01:08:37.000 Nia had just started living with me, and her friend was there.

01:08:41.000 And I was telling the story of what I saw that day.

01:08:45.000 And I was laying on the ground, crying, laughing, telling.

01:08:48.000 And then this guy did this.

01:08:50.000 Do you remember the guy who was fucking, he would do his shot and when anybody would puke, he would stand over in the corner and not face them.

01:08:57.000 He was facing the corner.

01:08:58.000 So we started calling him Blair Witch.

01:09:02.000 Everybody got there.

01:09:03.000 So I'm crying, laughing, and then gagging as I'm telling the story.

01:09:08.000 And then they weren't laughing, which made it even funnier to me.

01:09:11.000 And then I just remember a friend at one point just was like, she was like, where did they find these people?

01:09:16.000 And then that just sent me over the top.

01:09:18.000 I was like, I don't know!

01:09:19.000 Just crying, laughing.

01:09:21.000 But God bless them!

01:09:23.000 Yeah, where did they find these people?

01:09:25.000 Well, that was the thing of shock radio.

01:09:27.000 Shock radio gets such a derogatory connotation.

01:09:33.000 Shock jocks.

01:09:34.000 Shock radio.

01:09:35.000 Oh, great.

01:09:36.000 Shock radio.

01:09:36.000 When you're a young guy...

01:09:39.000 And you're a part of that.

01:09:40.000 And you're there in the moment.

01:09:41.000 It's one of the greatest moments of your life.

01:09:43.000 Yeah.

01:09:43.000 Because it's so wild.

01:09:44.000 My thing is, you're not shocked if there's thought behind it.

01:09:48.000 Shock is just like, oh, what happened?

01:09:51.000 Fuck those people.

01:09:52.000 That's just basic level shit.

01:09:54.000 Like, I remember when I was coming up.

01:09:57.000 And you were just torn through the Boston scene and then you got on some show.

01:10:03.000 It wasn't NewsRadio.

01:10:04.000 It was something else.

01:10:05.000 Hardball.

01:10:06.000 Yeah.

01:10:07.000 And you were coming to the Kowloon.

01:10:09.000 It was the first time I was going to see you do a set.

01:10:11.000 And all these guys, oh, he's so dirty, so dirty, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

01:10:14.000 And I watched your set.

01:10:15.000 And it's like, this guy isn't dirty.

01:10:17.000 There's like thought behind this.

01:10:20.000 Anybody can do a handjob joke, but your joke was like, you said, you ever have a woman give you a handjob?

01:10:26.000 It's like brushing your teeth with your left hand.

01:10:29.000 I'm like, that's a fucking killer joke!

01:10:31.000 It just happens to be about a handjob, and some people can't separate that.

01:10:35.000 That was back in the day where there was still a bunch of guys that were left over.

01:10:44.000 Yeah, I love that.

01:10:54.000 Yeah.

01:10:59.000 They were getting in fights.

01:11:00.000 They were chaotic.

01:11:02.000 And then Stephen Wright got on The Tonight Show and became a fucking superstar.

01:11:06.000 I mean, a gigantic national superstar.

01:11:09.000 And everybody else was like, hey, what the fuck?

01:11:12.000 What about me?

01:11:12.000 And I came along after that.

01:11:14.000 And there was this remnant of that there.

01:11:18.000 Remember Chris Zito?

01:11:20.000 Yeah.

01:11:20.000 Chris Zito was giving me advice when I was an open-miker.

01:11:23.000 He was like, you can't swear.

01:11:24.000 If you swear, you're never going to get on TV. He was telling me all this shit.

01:11:27.000 In his eyes, he was doing me a service.

01:11:30.000 Right.

01:11:30.000 It came from a good place.

01:11:31.000 It came from a good place.

01:11:32.000 Right.

01:11:33.000 In his eyes.

01:11:33.000 But I was like, fuck, he's going to make me quit.

01:11:35.000 I was like, this is what I want to do.

01:11:37.000 I grew up watching Dice Clay and Sam Kinnis.

01:11:42.000 And he goes, well, you're not Dice Clay.

01:11:44.000 I'm like, okay.

01:11:45.000 It's like, well, neither were they until they were.

01:11:47.000 But it was bad advice from a guy who hadn't made it, right?

01:11:49.000 He hadn't made it.

01:11:50.000 But he was, at least he was a professional.

01:11:52.000 And I was as far from making it as humanly possible.

01:11:55.000 I was an open miker.

01:11:57.000 And I remember I went off stage one night and he goes, Joe fucking Rogan!

01:12:02.000 Ladies and gentlemen, it's Joe fucking Rogan!

01:12:04.000 Did he say fuck enough?

01:12:06.000 Like, in his eyes, he was like, look, I'm just telling you this because I care.

01:12:10.000 Like, you're fucking up your career.

01:12:12.000 I'm like, So I had it in my head.

01:12:14.000 I was like, I'm not going to do this then.

01:12:16.000 In my head, I was like, I don't want to be that guy.

01:12:20.000 Did you ever notice?

01:12:21.000 I'm not that guy.

01:12:22.000 That wasn't me.

01:12:24.000 I liked talking about shit that made my friends laugh when we were all sitting around drinking.

01:12:29.000 That's why I was in it.

01:12:31.000 I was in it to talk about wild shit.

01:12:34.000 Right.

01:12:34.000 It didn't mean that you couldn't be clever and talk about wild shit, but I had never fit in anywhere in my life.

01:12:41.000 So the idea of me fitting in, like on television, that's almost like too weird for me.

01:12:47.000 I didn't want to.

01:12:48.000 But like in defense of that, there was like 9,000 stand-up shows on TV that you could get on and you could become...

01:12:53.000 It wasn't just The Tonight Show because The Tonight Show was the biggest thing.

01:12:58.000 Yeah.

01:12:59.000 But then there was the comedy on the road.

01:13:01.000 There was Evening at the Improv.

01:13:02.000 Half-hour comedy hour.

01:13:03.000 Half-hour comedy.

01:13:03.000 It was all of this shit.

01:13:05.000 And so that's what they were guiding towards.

01:13:09.000 And then I had the tail end of that.

01:13:11.000 And then...

01:13:12.000 You started in 90?

01:13:13.000 92. 92. So when I came, it was the tail end of that.

01:13:17.000 Work clean.

01:13:18.000 And then it was, you know, talk about your family so they can build a show around you so you can do a sitcom.

01:13:24.000 And I remember thinking, like, I don't want to do a sitcom.

01:13:27.000 You can't say that.

01:13:29.000 Everybody had this idea in their head that there was only one way to do it.

01:13:32.000 The beautiful thing about all that shit imploding is that there's none of that now.

01:13:36.000 Now comedy is comedy.

01:13:38.000 And when you see kids coming up now, you go to see the guys at the store that are like doormen and open micers, and I say guys, girls too.

01:13:46.000 Allie Makovsky, I take her on the road with me all the time, and she's 23. She's just getting it together now.

01:13:51.000 She's in that stage now.

01:13:52.000 She's like five years in.

01:13:54.000 They just want to do comedy, man.

01:13:56.000 These kids just want to do comedy.

01:13:57.000 Well, there's people now who...

01:13:59.000 Because comedy is doing so well.

01:14:00.000 Stand-up.

01:14:01.000 There's people who like...

01:14:04.000 Weren't comedians made it as something else and now are thinking about doing stand-up, right?

01:14:10.000 Yeah.

01:14:10.000 Do you guys how lucky we are that we're doing it now?

01:14:12.000 That's what I was thinking.

01:14:13.000 I said that to my wife when I was in Vegas.

01:14:16.000 I was like, you believe I get to do this?

01:14:17.000 Yeah, I love it.

01:14:18.000 And I'm gonna hang and fucking...

01:14:20.000 As long as I've been doing it, I still love it.

01:14:22.000 I love it as much now as ever.

01:14:24.000 Maybe more now than ever.

01:14:25.000 I mean, I don't have to do it.

01:14:27.000 I'll do five, six shows a fucking week in town.

01:14:30.000 And I love it.

01:14:31.000 No, that's why you're great.

01:14:32.000 I always felt the guys that never stopped going to the club.

01:14:39.000 Look, if you continue to tour and you become like a draw, you don't have to go to the clubs in LA. But...

01:14:48.000 I feel you pay a price for that because those kids coming up, you're getting something from them too.

01:14:54.000 As much as they're watching you going, oh wow, you're that guy that I saw and now I'm doing a show with you.

01:15:00.000 And it's just like, kid, you're keeping me young because like...

01:15:05.000 Just being around them, you stay current.

01:15:08.000 Yes.

01:15:08.000 And it's like why Dom Irera kills just as hard in 2019 as he did in 2009, 99, 89 is because that fucking guy never stopped going to the gym.

01:15:20.000 Yes.

01:15:21.000 And stays in there.

01:15:22.000 So I get something out of going to see.

01:15:27.000 I get something out of watching Dom, out of watching you, and then out watching some new kid coming up.

01:15:33.000 And just being in all of that keeps you current.

01:15:38.000 Because if you don't, you start getting a must.

01:15:41.000 That old person dying smell starts to stop waffling on your act.

01:15:48.000 Yeah, if you're only doing it to your crowd, too.

01:15:51.000 I think there's a problem there too.

01:15:52.000 One of the beautiful things about the store is there's 15 guys on the show that night.

01:15:56.000 They're there to see everybody.

01:15:57.000 They look at the lineup.

01:15:58.000 They go, oh shit, Bill Burr.

01:15:59.000 Oh shit, Chris D'Elia.

01:16:00.000 Oh, Nicky Glazer's on.

01:16:01.000 They see all these great comics on there.

01:16:04.000 I love Chris D'Elia.

01:16:04.000 I do too.

01:16:05.000 Chris D'Elia is like, from the get-go, I could see, it reminded me of a Boston guy, where it's like, this guy's a legit headliner.

01:16:15.000 Just trying to kill.

01:16:16.000 Just trying to kill.

01:16:17.000 That's all he's dealing with.

01:16:18.000 No, and then his concept of killing, I thought was Boston level.

01:16:22.000 Oh yeah, for sure.

01:16:23.000 Well, it's these, you know, and particularly because he's always at the store.

01:16:28.000 That right there?

01:16:29.000 That right there is me.

01:16:30.000 The last match?

01:16:30.000 No, but that right there is how I live my life.

01:16:32.000 A match?

01:16:33.000 The hardest fucking way to do something.

01:16:35.000 Why do you do that?

01:16:38.000 I do a lot of things that way, but not when it's ineffective.

01:16:41.000 I mean, that's one of the reasons why I bow hunt.

01:16:44.000 Well, that's where we're deep.

01:16:45.000 Yeah, see, I like that.

01:16:47.000 I feel if I was going to go out and go kill something cute and fuzzy, if I fucking had a total hypocrite because I am a meat eater anyways, if I used a bow and arrow, it would feel like an accomplishment.

01:16:59.000 I watched Ted Nugent kill a bear, which I could never do when there's all these fucking places to just get a chicken sandwich.

01:17:09.000 Do I really need to make a fucking, you know, a bear double cheeseburger?

01:17:14.000 Do you want to try some?

01:17:15.000 I have bear sausage in the freezer back there.

01:17:16.000 Would you try it if I gave it to you?

01:17:18.000 No.

01:17:19.000 Really?

01:17:20.000 No, because I went to the zoo one time and I saw this bear and it was funny because it was sitting half in the water and half out and had its arms, its front legs, fucking like, it looked like it was sitting in a jacuzzi.

01:17:31.000 Like a lounge.

01:17:32.000 And we pulled up on the bus to look at it and it was just, the way it looked, I kind of locked, I met eyes with the thing and I knew what I was thinking.

01:17:40.000 Pull out the video of the bear killing the deer in the backyard while it's eating it alive and the deer's screaming.

01:17:47.000 What?

01:17:49.000 Why?

01:17:50.000 Because you need to know what a bear really is.

01:17:52.000 When you see bears in real life, you go, oh, that's what that thing is.

01:17:55.000 It's a fucking killing machine.

01:17:56.000 You'd think the bear would just punch it in the head to stop hearing it.

01:17:58.000 Look at this.

01:18:01.000 See that?

01:18:01.000 Look at that thing.

01:18:03.000 No, it's getting it by the neck.

01:18:04.000 No, it's taking chunks out of it, bro.

01:18:06.000 The reason why that thing's screaming is because it's biting its back.

01:18:11.000 Okay, that's enough.

01:18:12.000 That sounds like me trying to touch my toes every morning.

01:18:22.000 You know what's hilarious?

01:18:23.000 You know what my daughter does?

01:18:24.000 She likes to stretch with me.

01:18:26.000 She thinks it's funny.

01:18:27.000 And she makes those noises because she thinks she's supposed to.

01:18:30.000 So when she goes, she goes, I want to stretch a da-da.

01:18:34.000 And then she goes...

01:18:37.000 I have like a foam roller and she'll come walk in the room and she'll look at me and she'll smile and it's funny, she sits on it because she doesn't know how to use it and she sits down and she just goes, oh!

01:18:46.000 That's hilarious.

01:18:47.000 And my wife laughs at me like, she's imitating how old you are.

01:18:53.000 My kids are allowed to hit me as hard as they can.

01:18:56.000 I teach them.

01:18:58.000 They've taken martial arts classes, but I teach them.

01:19:00.000 And one of the things I do is I have them leg kick me.

01:19:03.000 I need some advice in that area because I want my daughter to know how to defend herself.

01:19:06.000 Jiu-jitsu.

01:19:08.000 I'll get you a good school near you.

01:19:10.000 But I let my kids leg kick me full blast.

01:19:13.000 Just full blast.

01:19:14.000 And I show them how to do it where the shin slams into the center.

01:19:17.000 No.

01:19:17.000 I let them fucking slam into me.

01:19:19.000 Well, I have men do it.

01:19:20.000 I mean, I've been kicked by a lot of people.

01:19:23.000 I know, but there's an attrition to that.

01:19:24.000 No, you're fine.

01:19:25.000 That's right, you're 2019 on the inside.

01:19:28.000 He's got Resto Mod legs.

01:19:30.000 I let them slam their shit.

01:19:32.000 It fucking hurts, man, but I'm letting them know.

01:19:34.000 Like, if anybody ever fucks you, if somebody fucks you over, some kid wants to get into a fight, some girl is picking on you, slam one of these bitches right into her fucking thigh.

01:19:44.000 It hurts me.

01:19:46.000 Debate over.

01:19:47.000 Yeah.

01:19:47.000 Teach them how to defend themselves.

01:19:50.000 It's also important that they understand what it feels like to be in conflict with someone.

01:19:55.000 I enrolled them in martial arts classes when they were young.

01:19:57.000 My one daughter was four, the other one was six when they first started doing it.

01:20:00.000 And it's cool to watch them grapple and do these things.

01:20:04.000 I'm like, what's good is you know what it's like to struggle with someone.

01:20:07.000 This is not an alien thing for you to struggle with a person.

01:20:10.000 When I watch my youngest daughter Grapple with this boy and trip him and slam him onto the ground and get on his knee.

01:20:15.000 And then the instructor's like, good job, try again.

01:20:17.000 And they're doing it again.

01:20:18.000 Like, you know what it's like.

01:20:19.000 So they have muscle memory.

01:20:20.000 Yeah, well, otherwise it's a...

01:20:22.000 It frees up.

01:20:23.000 Yeah, your mind doesn't know what happens when someone's trying to do something to you.

01:20:27.000 Whereas if you've done it, it's not alien.

01:20:30.000 I mean, it's not like you should do it.

01:20:31.000 You definitely shouldn't do it to someone if they don't want to do it to you.

01:20:33.000 But if someone senses that you're scared of conflict, it's one of the surest signs you're going to get fucked with.

01:20:41.000 And that was me a lot of my life.

01:20:43.000 Don't need to explain that to me.

01:20:44.000 Well, it was me a lot of my life, man.

01:20:46.000 I've had both.

01:20:48.000 I went from being a kid who was terrified of conflict to being a martial arts champion.

01:20:53.000 The reason why I became a martial arts champion is because I was being picked on all the time.

01:20:57.000 Kids were always fucking with me.

01:20:59.000 I was like, I don't like this.

01:21:00.000 So I'm going to become what I'm terrified of.

01:21:03.000 Oh.

01:21:04.000 I should have done that.

01:21:06.000 I was just like, well, school ends at three.

01:21:10.000 I realistically only do this for another two hours and 45 minutes.

01:21:15.000 I went the other way.

01:21:17.000 Remember that?

01:21:18.000 Remember that?

01:21:18.000 And they used to have to teach you, and they would have the two people, you know, Eddie right way, you know, Mikey bad way.

01:21:25.000 We should do that.

01:21:26.000 Do a little, we'll make a kid's book.

01:21:29.000 Have young me with a fucking orange afro going, there's only two hours and 45 minutes, not knowing that.

01:21:35.000 No, in two hours and 45 minutes, all the authority is going to be gone.

01:21:41.000 That's the scary thing now with mixed martial arts going mainstream.

01:21:47.000 And there's no ref...

01:21:50.000 To get in there.

01:21:51.000 Like that video I talked about.

01:21:52.000 Yes.

01:21:53.000 That's what is scary.

01:21:54.000 And then everybody, like I think with young kids, it's like, oh, I want to be the guy going, oh!

01:22:02.000 You know, that's who they want to be.

01:22:03.000 No one wants to be the ref to jump in and say, stop.

01:22:08.000 They want to yell out, world star.

01:22:09.000 World star, they want to do that, and they all want to have it, and then post it, and get it to have some hits.

01:22:16.000 I mean, I'm not shitting on it, because that's what I would be doing if I was young.

01:22:21.000 I got a video pulled off of Facebook and Instagram, and I got a community strike, community guideline strike.

01:22:29.000 Because it was violence against minors.

01:22:31.000 But it was a kid who was picking on another kid.

01:22:34.000 He wouldn't stop fucking with this kid.

01:22:35.000 And then finally the kid just pushed him away and then put up a stance like he's ready to fight.

01:22:42.000 And the kid came after him.

01:22:43.000 He kicked him, grabbed him, slammed him on the ground and got him in an armbar.

01:22:47.000 Oh, I saw that.

01:22:48.000 Yeah, that was great.

01:22:49.000 It was a fucking amazing video, and the kid didn't even get hurt, but it was a lesson.

01:22:52.000 I'm like, this is why it's good to learn martial arts, because this kid was a cunt, and he was fucking with this kid, and the kid knew how to fight.

01:22:58.000 So I put it up there.

01:23:00.000 Like, look, this is the benefits of learning a martial art.

01:23:03.000 Yeah, and then those people who their heart's in the right places don't post that, because that's going to make kids fight other kids.

01:23:08.000 No, that's...

01:23:10.000 You're not going to, like, through words and hashtags, stop having kids...

01:23:15.000 Be kids.

01:23:16.000 Be kids.

01:23:17.000 And it's going to happen, and...

01:23:24.000 The idea that you're going to protect kids from reality by that is just so silly.

01:23:29.000 You're not going to stop people from doing things to people.

01:23:33.000 You've got to understand what is happening when people do those things and how you can learn how to fight so you can mitigate most of it.

01:23:40.000 And then the best part is other kids see you do that and then you become the kid, oh don't fuck with that kid.

01:23:46.000 Kid will dislocate your elbow.

01:23:49.000 Yeah, that's who you want to be.

01:23:50.000 You want to be the nice kid who can fight.

01:23:52.000 Everybody leaves you alone.

01:23:54.000 You know?

01:23:55.000 I went through the entire...

01:23:56.000 That should be written somewhere.

01:23:57.000 You want to be the nice kid that knows how to fight.

01:24:00.000 There's a lot of those kids now.

01:24:01.000 There's so many more.

01:24:02.000 Getting in a fight in school today with someone you don't know is a risky proposition.

01:24:06.000 There's so many kids that know jujitsu.

01:24:08.000 So many kids that take Muay Thai.

01:24:09.000 Everything is on another level.

01:24:10.000 You should see these fucking kids coming up playing drums.

01:24:13.000 Oh yeah?

01:24:14.000 Just the shit that they can do is...

01:24:15.000 It's fucking bananas!

01:24:17.000 Really?

01:24:18.000 Nobody could do that.

01:24:18.000 This kid's doing shit that's beyond...

01:24:22.000 As far as independence, okay, what they're doing is beyond what I saw a lot of guys when I first started buying VHS tapes, drum instructional videos.

01:24:36.000 Now, they don't have the seasoned, they don't necessarily have the feel and all of that and know how to apply it.

01:24:44.000 Necessarily, in a musical sense, because that just comes with experience.

01:24:48.000 But what they have in their fucking arsenal for chops is fucking insane.

01:24:53.000 Because of YouTube, you think?

01:24:54.000 Yeah, because you're jamming with the world now.

01:24:56.000 Right.

01:24:57.000 So it becomes, oh, I'm going to try that.

01:25:00.000 Now, the people who do it, the most basic level, me, is I just see what somebody does, and I try to learn how to do it.

01:25:07.000 And I've only now since doing comedy...

01:25:10.000 Going like, oh, I'm like a joke thief, except I just took that guy's groove that he just came up with.

01:25:14.000 You're supposed to be inspired by it to turn it into something else or work on something else that you're doing.

01:25:20.000 That's like another level that, you know, eventually you get to, I think, as a musician you do.

01:25:25.000 Um...

01:25:26.000 As far as me watching them, not as a musician.

01:25:29.000 But, like, just seeing what these kids can physically fucking do.

01:25:33.000 It's...

01:25:34.000 The guitar players, the bass players, the...

01:25:36.000 I saw...

01:25:37.000 When it went viral, there was this little girl from, like, Japan.

01:25:41.000 Played good times, bad times.

01:25:43.000 Like, it was nothing.

01:25:44.000 And Robert Plant is watching it.

01:25:46.000 Like, going, it's shit.

01:25:47.000 And he's used something...

01:25:48.000 It's like she's falling off a log.

01:25:50.000 Which meant, like, it was nothing.

01:25:52.000 It was nothing to her.

01:25:53.000 I've been trying to play those fucking triplets my whole life and I still don't have it down.

01:25:58.000 I'm just like, fuck!

01:25:59.000 What is it about...

01:26:00.000 Is it just kids learn quicker because they don't have as much shit in their head?

01:26:04.000 Well, back in the day, when you heard something...

01:26:07.000 First of all, you had cassette tapes.

01:26:08.000 You had to keep fucking rewinding it.

01:26:10.000 And you're at the mercy of your own bedroom.

01:26:13.000 Like, there's nobody in there.

01:26:15.000 Okay?

01:26:15.000 And now...

01:26:16.000 And then when you have to add the record, you could maybe slow it down.

01:26:19.000 Okay, but even then you had, you know, you're slowing it down.

01:26:22.000 There's still the bass.

01:26:24.000 You're trying to get everything in it.

01:26:26.000 It's hard to fucking hear.

01:26:28.000 Nowadays, somebody who's a fucking expert or whatever, a so-called expert, because, you know, the guys who actually play go, you know, there's a lot of people teaching, don't know what the fuck they're doing, like with the martial arts shit that you show.

01:26:39.000 They'll break the whole fucking thing.

01:26:42.000 Yeah.

01:26:43.000 Is this her?

01:26:44.000 Yeah.

01:26:46.000 In her little cute fucking little girl socks.

01:26:48.000 Look at those fucking triplets she's doing.

01:26:50.000 It's like it's nothing.

01:26:51.000 Look at her little socks.

01:26:53.000 Look at her face.

01:26:55.000 Oh my god, it's adorable.

01:26:57.000 No, she's killing it.

01:26:58.000 That's the thing too.

01:27:00.000 She's not just doing what John did.

01:27:02.000 She's playing it.

01:27:03.000 Is she playing two Led Zeppelin?

01:27:05.000 Is that why you can't play it?

01:27:06.000 Yeah.

01:27:06.000 Oh, is that why?

01:27:07.000 Okay.

01:27:07.000 Yeah, you can't play the actual.

01:27:08.000 She's smiling like, whee!

01:27:10.000 That's the look I had in her face when somebody gave me an ice cream.

01:27:12.000 How old do you think she is?

01:27:14.000 Seven, eight?

01:27:15.000 Wow, look at that.

01:27:17.000 She's a killer.

01:27:22.000 I think it's awesome that you're into music.

01:27:25.000 It's another thing.

01:27:27.000 And I was thinking that, too, when you were taking me up in the helicopter ride.

01:27:31.000 You do these other things, and you get really into them.

01:27:34.000 I'll tell you what's crazy.

01:27:35.000 Right now, I'm going for my instrument rating.

01:27:36.000 That's to basically fly in...

01:27:38.000 If you were to come into a city, and the whole city's covered with clouds, and you can't fucking see anything, how to use your instruments.

01:27:45.000 Yeah, this is what separates...

01:27:48.000 The men from the boys, right?

01:27:49.000 So it's something that was really intimidating, so I finally decided to do it.

01:27:52.000 So the guy I'm taking the lessons from...

01:27:56.000 I don't know if I should say this.

01:27:59.000 I just don't want to blow up people.

01:28:00.000 I never know how much private they want to be.

01:28:02.000 So I fucking go in there because somebody goes, all right, I know the guy.

01:28:05.000 I know the fucking guy.

01:28:07.000 My instructor goes, I got the best fucking guy in L.A. So I go to his house because I'm going to fly on a simulator, which is going to save me a ton of fucking money.

01:28:16.000 Initially and then eventually.

01:28:17.000 So you know what the fuck you're supposed to be doing when you start spending a bunch of money flying up.

01:28:21.000 What does a simulator look like?

01:28:22.000 It's literally a computer screen.

01:28:24.000 It just has like an airplane yoke and a throttle thing.

01:28:26.000 That's all it is.

01:28:27.000 But it's getting you to look at like you have a six pack of gauges and then you have these other two, these OBS or whatever.

01:28:35.000 It's a bunch of shit.

01:28:36.000 I don't want to fucking try to explain here.

01:28:37.000 But you're looking at that.

01:28:39.000 That becomes your eyes.

01:28:41.000 That becomes looking out the window is looking at your fucking gauges.

01:28:44.000 And it's unbelievably claustrophobic and fucking terrifying if you got into that type of weather and you don't know what the fuck you're doing.

01:28:53.000 That's how you die.

01:28:54.000 Okay?

01:28:55.000 Now...

01:28:57.000 So anyways, I go over to this guy's fucking house.

01:28:59.000 He's, hey, how you doing?

01:29:00.000 You know, I'm so-and-so.

01:29:01.000 What's going on?

01:29:01.000 I walk into his house.

01:29:02.000 He's got a whole music studio in there with like a fucking Grammy.

01:29:06.000 He has this whole other fucking life where he like won a Grammy last year for writing a song in some major fucking superhero movie.

01:29:17.000 And he's like a prodigy, piano player.

01:29:20.000 And then we go in the...

01:29:20.000 And he's also...

01:29:22.000 He got into flying and just took it to the level that he became an instructor.

01:29:26.000 And I just sit across from the guy in awe going, all of that is fucking in that.

01:29:31.000 It's fucking unbelievable.

01:29:32.000 If you put your mind to shit...

01:29:35.000 What you can accomplish is crazy.

01:29:39.000 Meeting somebody who's doing that inspires you, like, alright, I think I can do this.

01:29:45.000 So before I came over, I was outlining chapter four in the fucking thing, but there's all like gauges and shit and little question marks and stuff.

01:29:52.000 It's like, alright, I'm going to figure out how to do this.

01:29:55.000 And it's becoming less intimidating, but I haven't gone up yet.

01:29:59.000 But just as far as getting back to these kids, because the fact that she's eight and can do that, is she hasn't got credit card debt, she's not in some fucking relationship dating some loser kid who's playing videos all day, games all day, and she has to come up with her half the rent.

01:30:15.000 She has this whole fucking wonderment.

01:30:19.000 And kids, they're positive that stuff is possible.

01:30:25.000 Do you wish you could do that?

01:30:26.000 Just have nothing but one thing to concentrate on?

01:30:29.000 Just completely free of all the nonsense of life?

01:30:34.000 I'm not wired that way.

01:30:36.000 It's weird.

01:30:37.000 I think that's why I'm not into speed when driving.

01:30:40.000 I like to do it every once in a while, but I like cruising along because it relaxes me and kind of shuts down the fucking thunder and lightning of like, oh, let's do this.

01:30:50.000 Let's do this for 10 minutes, and I'll do this for fucking six minutes and blah, blah, blah, blah, and all that shit.

01:30:54.000 So...

01:30:54.000 Yeah, I drive in like the right lane.

01:30:56.000 Well, you and I are very similar in that way that we have a bunch of other shit that we do.

01:31:02.000 You get into shit like heavily, heavily into something else.

01:31:06.000 Yeah, if I get into it, I get into it.

01:31:08.000 It does hurt me a little bit because I'm starting to find like I don't know what's going on in the world, which is scary as a comic.

01:31:13.000 So I got to...

01:31:15.000 Dip back in, but...

01:31:16.000 It's healthier, though.

01:31:17.000 But my wife...

01:31:18.000 But you also have to know what's going on.

01:31:19.000 You kind of got to know who's current in music.

01:31:22.000 Yeah.

01:31:23.000 Like, I learned that when I tried...

01:31:25.000 I needed a reference for a pop star, and I did it at a college in, like, four or five years ago or whatever, and the last time I did a fucking college gig.

01:31:33.000 And I used Britney Spears as a reference, and they were all looking...

01:31:36.000 Like, it just died.

01:31:39.000 And I was like, oh, wait a minute.

01:31:40.000 She's, like, mid-30s, divorced mother of two.

01:31:42.000 Yeah.

01:31:44.000 But in my world, she was still 19. Yeah, we were looking at Instagram numbers.

01:31:51.000 Who was it?

01:31:53.000 Selena Gomez?

01:31:54.000 Her and Ariana Grande are up, but Cristiano Ronaldo was the top.

01:31:58.000 Right, but singers.

01:31:59.000 Oh, yeah, yeah.

01:31:59.000 Yeah, like 190,000 million fucking Instagram.

01:32:04.000 I mean, she's got 160 or some crazy shit.

01:32:07.000 It's like 130 and 150 or something like that.

01:32:08.000 Fucking insane.

01:32:09.000 Handling that in her 20s.

01:32:12.000 How do you not be crazy?

01:32:14.000 And good luck when you're older.

01:32:15.000 You know, Justin Bieber had a post the other day on his Instagram talking about all the drugs that he did when he was younger and how much it fucked him up, and now he's got a relationship with the Lord, and he's married, and he's trying to be a normal person, but he's struggling with the fact that he was insanely famous when he was a kid.

01:32:31.000 Yeah.

01:32:32.000 That's not something I would...

01:32:34.000 I like seeing people become successful, but that's not something I would wish on somebody.

01:32:39.000 No.

01:32:40.000 It's not healthy.

01:32:40.000 You almost wish he made it now.

01:32:42.000 Yes.

01:32:43.000 But even then, he's still a kid.

01:32:44.000 He's like 24, 25. But better now than making it at six.

01:32:49.000 When you're a little kid and you become famous and you're the one calling the shots, you realize all these people are...

01:32:56.000 You're responsible for their income.

01:32:58.000 Your brain's still developing and you have everybody saying yes around you.

01:33:02.000 His brain is still developing now.

01:33:04.000 Your frontal lobe isn't even fully formed until you're 25. I was going to say that, but I didn't know that.

01:33:10.000 He's a baby.

01:33:11.000 He's a fucking young boy, but he's trying to figure it out.

01:33:16.000 They were roasting him on Comedy Central four years ago.

01:33:20.000 That's crazy.

01:33:21.000 And he already had like $900 million in the bank.

01:33:24.000 Yeah.

01:33:26.000 He had accomplished enough by like 22 to get roasted.

01:33:30.000 Yeah.

01:33:30.000 I mean, most people get roasted.

01:33:31.000 They're like fucking my age.

01:33:33.000 Alec Baldwin, the one they just did.

01:33:35.000 Yeah.

01:33:36.000 I love that guy.

01:33:38.000 Big fan of his.

01:33:39.000 I don't know him.

01:33:40.000 Do you know him?

01:33:41.000 No, I actually was on a flight one time and he was sitting next to me.

01:33:44.000 Really?

01:33:45.000 And I was like, I'm not going to talk to him, I'm not going to bug him.

01:33:47.000 And then he just leaned over with that matinee idol voice.

01:33:50.000 He's like, do you fly often?

01:33:52.000 I was like, yes I do!

01:33:55.000 And what I found with him was if you just talked about anything other than him or him being him, he would totally talk.

01:34:02.000 But the second I ever veered it towards what he did, he just didn't have any interest in talking.

01:34:07.000 So I was like, all right, I get it.

01:34:08.000 He's tired of it.

01:34:11.000 So the time I did talk, I just would talk about...

01:34:17.000 Anything but that.

01:34:19.000 Well, have you ever sat next to someone and was like, hey, how do you come up with your material?

01:34:23.000 I'm like, oh, it's fucking red eyes.

01:34:26.000 Right here.

01:34:27.000 This is how I come up with it.

01:34:30.000 What was that one guy?

01:34:32.000 Where you going, Bill?

01:34:33.000 What was that one story?

01:34:35.000 Oh, that guy.

01:34:36.000 That poor guy.

01:34:36.000 He was on something.

01:34:37.000 He got all paranoid and he had some sort of military background.

01:34:40.000 He was going to save the whole plane.

01:34:41.000 He had this idea that you were a bad guy.

01:34:43.000 That was a hilarious story, though.

01:34:45.000 Yeah, he had the idea that I was acting fidgety and nervous.

01:34:48.000 Because he was fidgety and nervous.

01:34:50.000 No, I'm also a fucking lunatic.

01:34:52.000 I was probably fucking thinking of 50 things at the same time.

01:34:55.000 I probably was acting that way, but he took it to the whole other level.

01:34:58.000 Yeah, he stopped the plane.

01:35:00.000 Oh, God.

01:35:01.000 We pulled over.

01:35:03.000 Because he goes, if you don't fucking...

01:35:04.000 I'm going to push that button.

01:35:05.000 I was like, fucking push it.

01:35:08.000 Oh, that's right.

01:35:09.000 I forgot that whole story.

01:35:10.000 He was a military guy, right?

01:35:12.000 Oh, Jesus.

01:35:13.000 People that think they have good instincts and their instincts suck are the worst.

01:35:17.000 People think, I've just got a good way of reading people.

01:35:20.000 Actually, you don't.

01:35:22.000 Yeah.

01:35:22.000 Well, there's two ways to go into something.

01:35:24.000 Humbly and say, I don't know shit.

01:35:26.000 And as you learn shit and you think, oh, and I'm starting to know, oh my God, there's all this other stuff I don't know.

01:35:30.000 Yeah.

01:35:31.000 And then there's other people, they learn a little bit, and then they're this authority.

01:35:34.000 Trump.

01:35:35.000 And then you get a couple of drinks at them, and yeah, next thing you know, a plane has to pull over.

01:35:41.000 How did they resolve that?

01:35:42.000 I don't remember.

01:35:44.000 I don't really remember either.

01:35:48.000 It wasn't something I dwelled on.

01:35:50.000 I just remembered the stewardess coming over, talking to us like we're children.

01:35:54.000 Like, are you two going to be okay next to each other?

01:35:56.000 And I'm just like, I'm fine.

01:35:58.000 I don't know what this guy's doing.

01:36:01.000 And he continued to yammer at me until he just passed out.

01:36:09.000 And then I think when we finally landed, he was kind of sober.

01:36:15.000 And I think he was starting to feel a little stupid, I think.

01:36:22.000 We've all been there.

01:36:23.000 Yeah.

01:36:24.000 We've all been there.

01:36:25.000 Yeah.

01:36:26.000 I'm sure he's a nice guy.

01:36:27.000 Maybe not.

01:36:28.000 Maybe he's dead.

01:36:29.000 Maybe not.

01:36:30.000 There you go.

01:36:30.000 There's one way to do it.

01:36:32.000 That's another ending to the movie.

01:36:34.000 I don't think that will test well with the- Maybe he went walking through the woods one day.

01:36:39.000 Alright, I'm going to let you introduce the next topic.

01:36:41.000 I don't know where to go with that guy's fucking...

01:36:43.000 Maybe he got eaten by a bear?

01:36:46.000 That's a way to go, boy.

01:36:48.000 If you had to be eaten by any animal, what would it be?

01:36:51.000 Oh, the bigger, the better.

01:36:53.000 Shark.

01:36:53.000 Over quick.

01:36:54.000 No, not shark.

01:36:55.000 I don't like that because I don't like my head being here and the evils under here.

01:37:02.000 And it's going to take a bite out of me first to see if I'm edible.

01:37:06.000 And then you're just sitting there, you know, missing a chunk of your leg going, please don't let me taste good.

01:37:10.000 Please don't let me taste good.

01:37:12.000 Let him just fucking leave.

01:37:15.000 It's interesting.

01:37:15.000 Sharks used to be, if you caught a shark, people were happy.

01:37:19.000 You got that fucking thing out of the water.

01:37:20.000 Good.

01:37:21.000 Like when fishermen would bring in a shark, people would get excited.

01:37:24.000 Now you're a monster.

01:37:25.000 Well, there's this thing that I follow about sharks on Instagram.

01:37:32.000 And like, it's fucked.

01:37:34.000 This person found a tiger shark.

01:37:38.000 The 18-footer or some shit, right?

01:37:42.000 She somehow gained this thing's confidence and had some fishing line and took it out.

01:37:53.000 This can't be real.

01:37:55.000 And then somehow she ran into the thing again in the ocean and she was petting it like a fucking lapdog.

01:38:03.000 Trying to suggest that this thing knew her and was happy and respected.

01:38:08.000 I mean, the way they cut it together, and of course the music always takes you emotionally where they want you to go, but I was just watching that whole thing going like, it's good that you did that, but I don't think you're at the, I can now, this tiger shark has talked to all the other tiger sharks.

01:38:23.000 No, no, no, Bill's cool.

01:38:24.000 Do you remember Beastmaster?

01:38:26.000 Remember that TV show?

01:38:27.000 No.

01:38:27.000 There was a dude who was like a jack dude.

01:38:29.000 He had like big bracelets on and he would fucking commune with the animals and they would like land on his shoulder and shit.

01:38:36.000 Like eagles would land on his arms and all the animals would listen to him.

01:38:40.000 It was a really stupid show.

01:38:41.000 Because there's nothing humble about that name.

01:38:45.000 Beastmaster.

01:38:46.000 They're allowing you to live and now you're acting.

01:38:50.000 Yeah.

01:38:51.000 You gotta have the Tarzan hair.

01:38:53.000 Who was the guy in Beastmaster?

01:38:55.000 Beastmaster.

01:38:56.000 Was it a TV show?

01:38:58.000 No, I think it was a TV show.

01:39:01.000 That looks like a TV show.

01:39:01.000 I think it was a TV show.

01:39:03.000 It was a TV show?

01:39:04.000 That guy had this special relationship with the animals.

01:39:11.000 They all listened to him.

01:39:14.000 I didn't know he had a sword, too.

01:39:16.000 He had a big dick, too, judging by how long that fucking loincloth is.

01:39:20.000 It's like hanging down below his knees.

01:39:22.000 If you don't have a big dick, the lion is not going to listen to you.

01:39:25.000 Look, that eagle's landing on his arm.

01:39:27.000 Ah!

01:39:28.000 Yeah, this was like the Conan and the Barbarian days.

01:39:31.000 Like, after Conan, the movie, was a giant hit.

01:39:34.000 There was a lot of dudes with their shirts off holding swords.

01:39:37.000 Holding swords.

01:39:38.000 It was a thing.

01:39:39.000 Telling lions where to go.

01:39:41.000 Yeah.

01:39:42.000 I'll tell you one thing that I would never do in acting is I will never, ever...

01:39:46.000 I probably shouldn't say this, but, like, working with monkeys, aside from you know it's going to be a bad movie...

01:39:54.000 It's just no...

01:39:57.000 Fucking way.

01:39:58.000 I worked with a writer who got attacked by a monkey when he was a kid.

01:40:03.000 And it was just one of those organ grinder ones and they fucked him up.

01:40:07.000 One of those fucking...

01:40:08.000 The eating disorder monkey.

01:40:12.000 After he eats all the bananas, it goes and pukes.

01:40:16.000 It's in show business, man.

01:40:17.000 It's got to dance for the organ grinder music.

01:40:19.000 Are there fat monkeys?

01:40:21.000 And he was talking about his clarity and understanding of monkeys just by getting attacked by one.

01:40:28.000 He goes, nah.

01:40:29.000 He goes, I won't do it.

01:40:30.000 He goes, you do like you're good for about 18, 20 minutes.

01:40:33.000 And then the monkey just starts fucking acting crazy.

01:40:36.000 And then eventually it just gets like, you know.

01:40:40.000 I've always said that.

01:40:41.000 You go to the circus, like a bear doesn't want to ride a bicycle.

01:40:45.000 So what did they do to that fucking thing to make it give in?

01:40:50.000 Yeah.

01:40:51.000 And it's a bear.

01:40:53.000 So eventually it's going to become a bear again, you know?

01:40:58.000 And something's got, like, oh, like those circus, all that shit.

01:41:01.000 It's just, it's inevitable, like, what you're doing.

01:41:04.000 Yeah, circus are dark.

01:41:06.000 Because what they do to elephants and monkeys and bears, there's a great video.

01:41:11.000 It's not a good, well, it's horrible.

01:41:13.000 Do you have any happy videos of animals just existing?

01:41:16.000 I don't save those.

01:41:18.000 I know you don't.

01:41:20.000 Just them chilling out.

01:41:21.000 There was a video of a chimp riding a bike and a bear riding a bike.

01:41:25.000 And the chimp tripped up the bear somehow.

01:41:28.000 And they crashed.

01:41:29.000 And the bear grabs ahold of the chimp and just rips it apart in front of everybody.

01:41:34.000 With that fucking...

01:41:36.000 Yeah, here it is.

01:41:38.000 So the bear's riding, and the chimp's riding, and they collide.

01:41:42.000 And when they collide, the bear is fucking furious at the chimp and just starts fucking wrecking him.

01:41:48.000 It has like road rage, right?

01:41:49.000 Boom!

01:41:50.000 Goes down.

01:41:52.000 And he tries to help him get back on the bike.

01:41:55.000 Is this it?

01:41:56.000 Is this the one?

01:41:56.000 Oh, yeah.

01:41:57.000 Oh, he's got the chimp right there?

01:41:58.000 Yeah.

01:41:59.000 Oh, yeah.

01:41:59.000 It's too late.

01:42:00.000 I thought they have a muzzle on the fucking thing.

01:42:02.000 Oh, not this time.

01:42:03.000 They trusted him.

01:42:04.000 So he just fucks up that chimp and they can't get it away from him.

01:42:08.000 That's not even a big bear.

01:42:09.000 That's a small bear.

01:42:10.000 No, dude, that's fucking huge.

01:42:11.000 Would you want to fight that guy in a bar?

01:42:14.000 No.

01:42:14.000 That guy that stocky?

01:42:16.000 That hairy coming at you?

01:42:18.000 That George Animal Steel?

01:42:21.000 It's just such a stupid fucking form of entertainment.

01:42:25.000 You know, let's get animals to do shit that they don't normally do.

01:42:28.000 People are freaking out.

01:42:29.000 Wow!

01:42:30.000 I like it took them that long to stand up to realize that's not part of the show.

01:42:35.000 Something about music.

01:42:36.000 It can just take you emotionally where you want them to go.

01:42:38.000 So they're saying...

01:42:40.000 Is he ripping them apart?

01:42:43.000 Can you imagine that that used to be show business?

01:42:46.000 You used to be in a covered wagon.

01:42:48.000 You'd pull into town.

01:42:50.000 Ladies and gentlemen, gather round!

01:42:52.000 And there was a show.

01:42:54.000 And then, you know, you have a minstrel show and people would sing and do puppets and there'd be a play.

01:43:02.000 When do you think the first guy got up and told jokes and made people laugh?

01:43:08.000 Like, when was our first...

01:43:09.000 Oh, who's that guy?

01:43:10.000 He wrote that great book on the history of stand-up.

01:43:15.000 And it was a guy like Frank Fay or something like that.

01:43:18.000 He was the first guy that went out there like, I don't need to have a fucking hula hoop and spinning plates.

01:43:25.000 And he just went out and was like, I'm just going to tell stories and make them like...

01:43:28.000 He kind of did a monologue type of thing.

01:43:32.000 He was the first guy.

01:43:34.000 If I have it right...

01:43:37.000 I think it was the 20s.

01:43:38.000 And then in the 40s, he was actually on the side of the fascists.

01:43:43.000 He was a fascist.

01:43:44.000 Really?

01:43:45.000 Yeah, there was people in this country that, you know, didn't think what those guys were doing was necessarily wrong.

01:43:51.000 Which really, if you look at the history, forget about this country or humanity.

01:43:55.000 Like, there's always been that.

01:43:57.000 So, what fucked his career, if I'm remembering this correctly, this could be like fucking...

01:44:02.000 I hope I'm saying the right guy.

01:44:05.000 So, he ended up doing this...

01:44:08.000 Here it is.

01:44:09.000 Frank Faye stand-up.

01:44:11.000 He did this show...

01:44:14.000 I guess that's earlier when he's doing the props.

01:44:16.000 He's come out dressed like he's in the Foreign Legion.

01:44:19.000 But he did a show right after World War II, right after he won, and it was a pro-fascist rally in New York City, and he was the big name.

01:44:29.000 He signed on to do it, and the night was called the Friends of Frank Faye.

01:44:34.000 Whoa.

01:44:36.000 The first stand-up comic was a fascist.

01:44:39.000 How strange.

01:44:39.000 No, I can't say.

01:44:40.000 I don't know that.

01:44:41.000 But then there's other people that...

01:44:42.000 I got a buddy of mine that will argue that Mark Twain was.

01:44:45.000 Yeah, Samuel Clements.

01:44:46.000 Yeah.

01:44:47.000 Will argue that he was the first stand-up.

01:44:50.000 So I don't know really necessarily.

01:44:52.000 I think it just sort of...

01:44:54.000 It sort of poked its head up and then ducked back down like somebody improv'd a line.

01:44:58.000 Like, hey, I did that without my hula hoop.

01:45:01.000 You know?

01:45:02.000 See?

01:45:02.000 And it went good.

01:45:03.000 Yeah.

01:45:04.000 And they got sick of lugging shit around or something.

01:45:07.000 I don't know what it was.

01:45:09.000 Did you ever see Lenny with Dustin Hoffman?

01:45:11.000 Yeah, he was great in that.

01:45:13.000 I mean, he really came off like a comic.

01:45:16.000 He really seemed like he was Lenny Bruce.

01:45:18.000 No, he's an incredible, incredible actor.

01:45:20.000 I actually went down a rabbit hole looking up a bunch of shit about him.

01:45:26.000 Oh no, it wasn't that.

01:45:27.000 I don't even know how I went down this rabbit hole.

01:45:30.000 Talk about before 9-11, what you could do and then still walk around a free man 18 months later.

01:45:37.000 It was crazy.

01:45:38.000 These people on the Upper East Side...

01:45:43.000 We're good to go.

01:45:59.000 And Dustin Hoffman had one on that block, close enough to it, and, you know, these fucking idiots blew themselves up, blew the fucking building up, and fucked with his townhouse.

01:46:09.000 And there's a picture of him, if you can find it, is he grabbed some piece of expensive art that he had bought, got it out of his house, and it's a picture of a young Dustin Hoffman walking up the street.

01:46:20.000 Look at that.

01:46:21.000 Yeah.

01:46:23.000 This poor guy, like, had the balls to go after a dream.

01:46:27.000 You know, you think it's hard making this a comic.

01:46:29.000 I don't even know how the fuck he made it as an actor.

01:46:31.000 Now, forget about then.

01:46:32.000 Yeah, look at it.

01:46:33.000 Blew up their whole fucking thing.

01:46:35.000 And he's like, I made it.

01:46:36.000 I'm on the Upper East Side.

01:46:38.000 Everything's great.

01:46:39.000 Look at that fucking building's missing.

01:46:41.000 Yes.

01:46:43.000 Oh my god.

01:46:43.000 So he owns something close enough to that.

01:46:45.000 Yeah.

01:46:46.000 Jesus Christ, it's crazy.

01:46:47.000 It's like all the building to the left's fine, building to the right's fine, and that building's obliterated.

01:46:52.000 Yeah, I'm sure that there was some damage done to those other ones.

01:46:56.000 But it's crazy how the one in the middle is just missing.

01:46:58.000 No, but if you look it up, the jail time that they got, well, I mean, obviously the person who was down there, the people down there died, I think.

01:47:07.000 But then they figured out who was in cahoots with them.

01:47:10.000 But also their parents owned a townhouse on the Upper East Side.

01:47:14.000 Oh.

01:47:14.000 Listen, Jimmy's been a little, you know, distant.

01:47:17.000 Your honor.

01:47:18.000 You know, they go to the same fucking party.

01:47:20.000 Yeah, you can get away with shit before the internet.

01:47:22.000 They passed around some cash.

01:47:24.000 Do you ever see a documentary?

01:47:25.000 Yeah, that chick who shot fucking Andy Warhol.

01:47:27.000 Barely did any fucking time, and then years later, how he died.

01:47:31.000 I always thought he drugged himself for just doing drugs or partying, but I think it was complications from...

01:47:38.000 The bullet wound.

01:47:39.000 Yeah, when you get shot.

01:47:42.000 Organ damage.

01:47:43.000 Well, when you get shot in the gut, too, that's the fucking worst because all that shit that breaks down your food seeps in the infections and the shit that happens.

01:47:51.000 It's horrific.

01:47:52.000 What did she shoot him for?

01:47:55.000 I don't know.

01:47:56.000 I don't know.

01:47:57.000 I'm not saying anybody was a great fucking person here, but that's never a solution.

01:48:02.000 But the jail time that that person got was ridiculously short, and then he's got to live the rest of his life dealing with the fallout of what that person did to him, and then also knowing that that crazy chick is out there.

01:48:16.000 Well, isn't the guy who shot Reagan out now?

01:48:19.000 No.

01:48:20.000 I think they were going to let him out, and he was like, no, guys, no, you don't want to do that anymore.

01:48:25.000 I think he said that.

01:48:26.000 I thought they let him out.

01:48:28.000 My memory isn't the greatest.

01:48:29.000 I'm probably combining all three of these stories and it's actually about...

01:48:32.000 He's out?

01:48:33.000 Quick wiki says he's released.

01:48:35.000 What's his name again?

01:48:36.000 John Hinckley.

01:48:38.000 You should look up everything I say.

01:48:39.000 Actually, Bill, it's completely the other direction.

01:48:42.000 Do you ever watch a documentary on The Weathermen?

01:48:45.000 Do you remember the Weathermen?

01:48:46.000 No.

01:48:47.000 The Weathermen were a radical terrorist group from the 60s.

01:48:51.000 I thought it was like some Ron Burgundy shit.

01:48:53.000 Okay.

01:48:53.000 60s or 70s?

01:48:54.000 That's what that Grinch bombing has something to do with that.

01:48:57.000 There's like a group called like the SDS, the Students of Democratic Society, which was an offshoot of the Weathermen.

01:49:03.000 I'm just looking through the Wikipedia of the story.

01:49:05.000 Where they radicalized rich white kids?

01:49:07.000 Maybe.

01:49:07.000 Well, one of the guys who was one of the weathermen went on to become a professor at a university in Chicago, and that was one of the things that they were talking about when Obama was running for president.

01:49:18.000 He's friends with a terrorist, because he knew this guy from his university days.

01:49:25.000 Right.

01:49:26.000 Wasn't that like the idea in Fight Club that the Project Mayhem?

01:49:30.000 Something like that?

01:49:31.000 You know what I'm talking about?

01:49:31.000 That's the same sort of idea where they just wanted to fuck up all sorts of different things in society and not troll people, but like bomb shit.

01:49:38.000 You know what I'm talking about?

01:49:39.000 Yes.

01:49:40.000 We should have asked Chuck when he was in here.

01:49:44.000 But the Weathermen, anyway, the documentary is crazy.

01:49:47.000 They wanted to take down society and they wanted to take down the government.

01:49:51.000 So they were doing acid and having orgies and showing up to places and blowing things up.

01:49:55.000 And there was no like, so then we can rebuild it?

01:49:58.000 It was just like, let's just fuck it up.

01:50:00.000 I mean, I think there's a lot of anarchists, a lot of people in their youth where they want to just tear the whole fucking thing down.

01:50:06.000 You know, I was having a conversation with my wife about this, really interesting.

01:50:09.000 Just the other day, we were out at dinner, and she was like, when she was young, she had a rough childhood, and she was hoping that society would fall apart, because her life was a mess, and other people's lives were great.

01:50:21.000 And she had this thing in her head, like, she hoped society crumbled.

01:50:25.000 Because then everything would be fucked all over the world.

01:50:27.000 No one would be okay.

01:50:29.000 Because her life wasn't okay.

01:50:31.000 I'm like, that's really interesting.

01:50:32.000 Yeah, really interesting.

01:50:33.000 Because her insight, the way she was talking about it, it was like...

01:50:35.000 Because she was remembering that very specifically when she was young.

01:50:39.000 You know, chaotic.

01:50:41.000 That's why that Tarantino movie is so funny to me.

01:50:44.000 I loved it.

01:50:45.000 I don't think they ever say hippie without saying fucking hippie.

01:50:48.000 Everybody goes, fucking hippie.

01:50:50.000 Yeah.

01:50:52.000 Well, there's always been people like that, right?

01:50:54.000 There's always been people who want to take the whole fucking thing down, you know?

01:50:57.000 I want to know when you can buy that movie and own it.

01:51:00.000 Because back in the day, you just buy the DVD. Because that is like you're going on tour.

01:51:05.000 That's going to be a Goodfellas movie for me where I'm going to watch that thing 5,000 times in my life and always see something new in it.

01:51:13.000 And then it becomes like the second time I saw it.

01:51:16.000 I realized how great the actor playing...

01:51:18.000 I'm trying to talk all this surface.

01:51:22.000 Yeah, don't give any spoiler alerts.

01:51:24.000 Well, this guy, he plays a director that's going to direct Leonardo DiCaprio.

01:51:30.000 And what that guy does with that role and how many inside jokes...

01:51:34.000 You don't have to be in show business.

01:51:35.000 How fucking...

01:51:36.000 Funny that guy is.

01:51:39.000 It's like, you know, the 90th time I watched Goodfellas, I realized how funny that guy was, the guy who had the wigs.

01:51:46.000 Oh yeah, Morty.

01:51:47.000 Yeah, how fucking hilarious and how great that guy played that degenerate gambler.

01:51:54.000 Because the first time you watch it, it's like Joe Pesci and De Niro.

01:51:58.000 You've seen all of those guys.

01:51:59.000 And then you start to like Frankie Carbone and the roast beef guy and all of that shit.

01:52:05.000 But then you just watch it and it's like everybody is great in this.

01:52:10.000 Everybody took one or two lines and everybody just hit a home run.

01:52:15.000 You know what freaked me out in that movie that I couldn't believe?

01:52:18.000 The violence against women.

01:52:20.000 Like the scenes, the fight scenes.

01:52:22.000 I don't want to give anything away.

01:52:24.000 But there was some where you're like, whoa!

01:52:26.000 You could still do this in a movie?

01:52:29.000 Like, holy shit!

01:52:31.000 That's my favorite quote from Tarantino.

01:52:32.000 What?

01:52:33.000 I saw an interview one time and they were saying like, yeah, I was trying to write movies and stuff, you know, and they were going like, you can't do this, you can't do that.

01:52:39.000 He's like, wait a minute.

01:52:39.000 He goes, I can do whatever the fuck I want.

01:52:41.000 It's like that.

01:52:42.000 Well, that's why your movies are great.

01:52:43.000 Yeah.

01:52:44.000 Whether you like him or not, you're just like, that's the comic I want to watch.

01:52:48.000 I can say whatever the fuck I want.

01:52:49.000 Yeah.

01:52:50.000 Good.

01:52:50.000 I want to see you totally unfiltered.

01:52:52.000 Yeah.

01:52:53.000 I mean, there's a time and a place, I think, you know, to be filtered.

01:53:01.000 Sure.

01:53:01.000 You know what I mean?

01:53:02.000 There's no sense just going in and showing your ass and being a, you know, if somebody hires you for a private gig and they go, okay, perform between these two lines.

01:53:09.000 You're not Lenny Bruce if you go in there and you go outside and you're a fucking asshole.

01:53:13.000 Right.

01:53:13.000 Because you agreed to do that.

01:53:14.000 Right.

01:53:15.000 You do a corporate gig for a Christian church.

01:53:17.000 Right, but if you're at like a comedy club, it's like, no, you're a guest.

01:53:21.000 Yeah.

01:53:22.000 You came into a nightclub, so this isn't, you know, if you don't like it, you leave.

01:53:26.000 Well, no, it came to see you, specifically.

01:53:29.000 And all the other people did, too.

01:53:30.000 And the one or two people that'll get upset, well, you're the problem.

01:53:34.000 The other people are there to see this kind of shit because it's so rare to see.

01:53:38.000 It's incredibly selfish.

01:53:38.000 It'd be like if I went to a restaurant and I didn't like the meal and then the chef owed me an apology and had to change his menu.

01:53:45.000 And you didn't want anybody else to eat.

01:53:47.000 Stop eating.

01:53:47.000 I hate this food.

01:53:48.000 And if you go in there and eat off of that menu, then you're part of the fucking problem.

01:53:52.000 And I'm going to try to take you down too.

01:53:54.000 Yeah.

01:53:55.000 Because you didn't have a problem with this fucking chicken and dumplings, whatever the fuck.

01:53:59.000 Whatever the fuck he's making.

01:54:01.000 Strange time.

01:54:02.000 Strange.

01:54:03.000 Best name special, I feel.

01:54:05.000 Yeah.

01:54:06.000 Well, I didn't know what else to call it.

01:54:09.000 That's all I could think of.

01:54:10.000 Yeah.

01:54:11.000 I like it because it's not...

01:54:13.000 You're not punching him in the...

01:54:16.000 It's strange.

01:54:18.000 It's a weird time.

01:54:19.000 Yeah.

01:54:20.000 Paper Tiger.

01:54:21.000 Yep.

01:54:25.000 How long do you think you're going to wait until you do another one?

01:54:27.000 Do you have an idea in your head?

01:54:28.000 Are you going to try to do two years?

01:54:30.000 What are you trying to do?

01:54:31.000 Do you have a set schedule?

01:54:32.000 No, I never think that.

01:54:33.000 No, because that takes the enjoyment out of it.

01:54:35.000 It's more like...

01:54:36.000 I had a bit that I was doing...

01:54:40.000 The first time I told this story in my new hour, two women yelled out simultaneously.

01:54:47.000 And they yelled the same thing, which means they whispered to each other, let's yell this in 3, 2, 1. And I go, oh, go fuck yourself.

01:54:54.000 I got into that with them.

01:54:55.000 And then they went upstairs and I'm like, it's a comedy club.

01:54:58.000 I know they're still there because comedy club security is the worst thing.

01:55:03.000 It's the worst.

01:55:05.000 They don't know how to kick people out.

01:55:08.000 So I went upstairs.

01:55:10.000 I put the hoodie up and all of that shit.

01:55:12.000 They said they were at the bar.

01:55:14.000 I walked by, and then I go outside the club, took the hoodie off, and then they were there, and then we got into it again.

01:55:19.000 And I was just like, you don't even know me.

01:55:21.000 Go fuck yourselves.

01:55:22.000 You know what the fuck I'm saying?

01:55:23.000 Fuck you.

01:55:24.000 What were they mad at?

01:55:27.000 Just my perception on something.

01:55:29.000 I was telling a fucking story, right?

01:55:31.000 So...

01:55:34.000 And it had to do with a lesbian.

01:55:37.000 And then it was the wrong show to do it on, because I think it was kind of a gay show.

01:55:42.000 I mean, I went up there, they had paper cutouts of dicks all over the place, so I'm like, alright.

01:55:47.000 But it's a comedy club, so I'm telling the story I want to tell.

01:55:51.000 So I told the story, you know.

01:55:54.000 So it took me a little while, you know, to kind of...

01:55:56.000 Pretty much, I mean, it was like, you know, I don't want to have that kind of interaction with people.

01:56:01.000 So I've just been, you know, working the bit out, working the bit out.

01:56:04.000 And then, like, you know, I did the joke the other night at the Laugh Factory.

01:56:09.000 And the exact person from that group came up to me, told me she loved the joke, and she was just like, I feel like you were describing my life.

01:56:17.000 And I'm like, that's why...

01:56:18.000 That's the fun of this shit.

01:56:21.000 And...

01:56:24.000 You know, as people say, like, you're working out a joke.

01:56:26.000 I can't do it at home.

01:56:27.000 Yeah.

01:56:28.000 I have to go out there and just start throwing shit against the wall and see how to piece this stuff together.

01:56:32.000 So, to go back to, like, when are you going to do a special again?

01:56:35.000 Like, I enjoy this part too much to, um...

01:56:40.000 Rush it.

01:56:41.000 We had to be thinking about like, you know, then you're like, okay, I'm doing a special.

01:56:45.000 I'm taping it here and then I'm in the bubble.

01:56:47.000 And then every night I go on stage and it's just like, okay, no, no, no, I got to do this.

01:56:51.000 And maybe what if I opened with this?

01:56:52.000 And what if I put it in?

01:56:53.000 And it just becomes, you know, there's this added weight to it that makes it like, you know, the opposite reason, the entire reason why I got into this business was not to have a fucking real job.

01:57:05.000 I wanted to have fun.

01:57:06.000 So this, which goes back to what I was talking about you when I was watching.

01:57:09.000 I was like, ah, fuck, Joe's on the other side.

01:57:11.000 He shot his special, and now he's going down.

01:57:14.000 And as much as it can be frustrating putting it together, he's having fun every night, seeing, all right, where's this idea going to go?

01:57:23.000 Is this going to leave?

01:57:24.000 Because when I'm putting together a new hour, I have some of the hackiest shit ever.

01:57:30.000 And I take all of those rules and throw them out the window.

01:57:32.000 I don't give a fuck if you see me doing these jokes.

01:57:36.000 And...

01:57:38.000 Most of them don't live, but some of them grow into something that's- Better.

01:57:42.000 Yeah, and then it's not hacky, and now it's this thing that then shoots off into this, and then you just start spinning off over here.

01:57:48.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:57:49.000 And then all of a sudden, hey, I got like eight minutes.

01:57:52.000 I got 12 minutes.

01:57:53.000 They're seeds, right?

01:57:54.000 Yeah, it's starting to come together.

01:57:56.000 So when people go down there, and it's literally like, it's not even done.

01:58:03.000 You're just starting to draw- And they're reacting to it, saying it sucks.

01:58:07.000 And it's like, it's not done.

01:58:09.000 I'm just...

01:58:10.000 Yeah, I agree with you.

01:58:10.000 It sucks.

01:58:11.000 Yeah.

01:58:12.000 Yeah.

01:58:12.000 I'm with you.

01:58:13.000 Yeah.

01:58:14.000 This is how it work out.

01:58:15.000 But some people know that.

01:58:16.000 Some people understand that.

01:58:17.000 Some people think they're coming to see a finished product.

01:58:19.000 Most people.

01:58:20.000 Most people now, today, in 2019. Yeah, crowds are great.

01:58:23.000 Yes.

01:58:24.000 It's just one person in 50 shows complains, and it's, you know, because there's so much shit to look at, like controversy gets people to stop at your website, and then you get credit from the advertisers in the side, and then they gas up shit,

01:58:39.000 and they...

01:58:41.000 You know, I saw a guy recently talking, he goes, you know, it's weird, everyone on the internet hates me, but I walk down the street and everybody loves me.

01:58:47.000 So it's just like, so what's really going on there?

01:58:51.000 What's going on is the small percentage that don't like you is being shown to be the majority.

01:58:58.000 Well, it's a very vocal minority who get upset about things, and they're adamant about it, and they're very active.

01:59:06.000 That's what it is.

01:59:07.000 The people that are upset about certain things, people that are really responding to outrage culture.

01:59:14.000 Because then you can do exactly, nine times out of ten, exactly what they're complaining is being done to them.

01:59:20.000 They turn around and then do something.

01:59:23.000 Trying to find their justice.

01:59:25.000 And they just...

01:59:26.000 I don't know.

01:59:26.000 The irony seems to be lost on these people.

01:59:28.000 But, like, I don't talk about...

01:59:30.000 I try not to talk about that shit a lot because I don't want to give it any more added weight than it deserves.

01:59:36.000 And it's just like...

01:59:38.000 Well, it's recent.

01:59:39.000 If people bring it up, I just say, you know, not everybody's going to like me.

01:59:42.000 Yeah.

01:59:43.000 I don't know what to tell you.

01:59:44.000 I don't need everybody...

01:59:45.000 I just need enough people...

01:59:48.000 To fill up enough of wherever I'm playing so I can continue doing this.

01:59:53.000 That's all I need.

01:59:54.000 Not only that, as a comedy fan, what you're doing right now, what you're doing in the special, the stuff that I saw you working out before the special, is what I always wanted to see.

02:00:05.000 As a comedy fan, that's what I like.

02:00:07.000 I like people who take risks, who say crazy shit that you know you're walking out on a line.

02:00:16.000 You're on a wire.

02:00:18.000 You know, I want to see you, like that Troops bit.

02:00:21.000 You're walking a fucking wire, and you can feel it.

02:00:24.000 You can feel buttholes clenching up while you start the bit.

02:00:27.000 I love it.

02:00:28.000 That kind of comedy, to me, is the most fun.

02:00:31.000 Especially now, at this day and age, with all my years in comedy, if something still makes me go, oh shit, where's he going?

02:00:39.000 Yeah.

02:00:39.000 And then you pull it off.

02:00:41.000 But the thing is, if you're going to keep being a comedian, then you know how to do it.

02:00:45.000 Yeah.

02:00:45.000 So then you're just going to be bored if you just wrote shit that you knew the crowd was going to like and blah, blah, blah.

02:00:50.000 But to then challenge yourself to kind of, hey, can I? Yeah.

02:00:55.000 Can I say what I think about this in a funny way that doesn't put people...

02:00:59.000 Because I'm not that guy.

02:01:01.000 I don't want to walk the crowd.

02:01:02.000 I don't want to have people waiting to yell at me.

02:01:05.000 There's certain people that like that and kind of want to be that person.

02:01:08.000 That's not what I'm trying to do.

02:01:09.000 I just want to make you laugh.

02:01:12.000 And I definitely will steer into...

02:01:16.000 I have a lot of silly shit too, but I'll steer into some areas or whatever.

02:01:20.000 But...

02:01:22.000 It's all, like, just done in fun.

02:01:24.000 It's just done in fun.

02:01:25.000 It's just silly.

02:01:26.000 You just listen to some idiot in a bar.

02:01:27.000 That's all you're doing.

02:01:28.000 Exactly.

02:01:29.000 And if you're not there to see that, well, then you picked the wrong place.

02:01:31.000 Yeah, it's not legislation.

02:01:32.000 Now you know.

02:01:33.000 Go home.

02:01:35.000 Yeah.

02:01:35.000 I just saw a great quote.

02:01:36.000 Joan Rivers said that.

02:01:37.000 One of my favorites of all time.

02:01:39.000 What'd she say?

02:01:40.000 Saying a comedian should never apologize for a joke.

02:01:42.000 It just means you didn't get the joke.

02:01:45.000 That bitch was ruthless.

02:01:46.000 She was ruthless.

02:01:48.000 To the day she died, she was ruthless.

02:01:50.000 No, I saw her.

02:01:52.000 I saw her towards the end of her life, and I was just going like, I couldn't pull that off.

02:01:56.000 I couldn't pull that off.

02:01:57.000 But she was also somebody that was like Carlin...

02:02:05.000 Where they didn't just go, okay, I got here and we're satisfied.

02:02:09.000 They just kept going to higher and higher levels.

02:02:13.000 And I'm telling you, if you watch her on the Ed Sullivan show, okay, in the 60s, where her act was at versus the 70s and then the 80s and the 90s, there's very few artists that you watch that their trajectory is this.

02:02:29.000 Continuing to climb.

02:02:30.000 Jack Lemmon, one of my favorite actors of all time.

02:02:32.000 You watch him in The Apartment, as great as he is in that, Jack Lemmon in Glengarry Glen Ross blows away Jack Lemmon in 1960-61 because, you know, not like I knew the guy, but like, if you don't take the ride...

02:02:47.000 Is what I call it, you know, when people say, yeah, yeah, and you just, yeah, I'm fucking, yeah, that's when you just level off and you start to go back down.

02:02:54.000 If you keep going, like, I can learn from younger people, I can learn from older people, peers, you'll continue, but it's constant, like, work.

02:03:05.000 Yes.

02:03:05.000 If you put the work in, like, I'm hoping.

02:03:09.000 Because both of them fascinate me equally, Carlin and Joan Rivers, how they went like this.

02:03:18.000 And Carlin was so fucking out there, I thought there was comedians that didn't get what he was doing towards the end.

02:03:24.000 And now you go back and watch what the fuck he was saying in the 2000s, and all of that shit is happening.

02:03:31.000 He was ahead of the curve.

02:03:33.000 Yeah, people thought he was overreacting.

02:03:36.000 Or now he's just this angry old man.

02:03:38.000 He saw where it was going.

02:03:40.000 You need to go back and listen.

02:03:42.000 He's trying to warn you about some shit and he was just 100% I mean, just fucking on the money.

02:03:51.000 Like, I can watch shit that he said in 1990 and be like, yeah, that actually, I know what that is right now.

02:04:00.000 Like, that's not like, I mean, that's almost like 30 years ago and you don't watch it like he's up there like, hey, take my wife, please.

02:04:08.000 It's not like this, it's like a timeless thing.

02:04:11.000 Well, some people, I think, the struggle of doing the work Of showing up at the clubs, of grinding, that feeling of going on stage with the seeds of new material and eating shit, not knowing where they're going and taking chances, going on a limb, and failing, and then succeeding,

02:04:27.000 and then finding punchlines and new ways to take the bit.

02:04:31.000 And then one night, you ad-lib something, and holy fuck, that's it.

02:04:34.000 This is the whole thing.

02:04:36.000 Yeah, you find a wormhole into another dimension, and you piece it all together.

02:04:40.000 People get weary.

02:04:41.000 They get tired of doing that.

02:04:43.000 They look for a retirement.

02:04:44.000 I think it's the fear of those stories we were talking about earlier is like the humiliation of trying to learn how to actually be a comedian or being in a band.

02:04:56.000 Anything that involves getting up on a stage, you don't want to feel that again.

02:05:01.000 So I think people will like, okay, I'm doing this and this works.

02:05:06.000 And then there's this fear, well, I'm finally drawing tickets.

02:05:09.000 Because everybody, I don't give a fuck who made it, like most of us, had that feeling in a comedy condo of like, am I the guy who's not going to fucking make it?

02:05:18.000 What if I don't?

02:05:19.000 And that fucking cold sweat feeling, I think...

02:05:24.000 People who stop growing, I think part of it is that.

02:05:28.000 You don't want to go back to, what the fuck did I say?

02:05:32.000 I said something the other night on stage and it bombed so fucking bad.

02:05:37.000 It was like a vacuum.

02:05:38.000 I can't believe I didn't get sucked into my own body.

02:05:40.000 It was like a kick to the chest.

02:05:43.000 It was like I had to pull out an old joke to get it so I could get a drink of water.

02:05:47.000 Like, whew.

02:05:50.000 I had not tightened up the midsection.

02:05:51.000 I was just sitting there like, huh?

02:05:53.000 You cut it right in the liver.

02:05:54.000 Yeah, liver shot.

02:05:57.000 It wasn't a liver shot because I would have gone down.

02:05:59.000 Soloplexus.

02:06:00.000 It was, yeah, it was definitely, I had to regroup and get back on the, yeah, I had stepped into like a sinkhole on that one.

02:06:08.000 It's fun that that could still happen though.

02:06:10.000 I like that that can still happen.

02:06:12.000 I like things that scare the shit out of me.

02:06:14.000 I always have.

02:06:14.000 I'm into them.

02:06:15.000 I'm not into safe things.

02:06:17.000 I like it when it goes off the road and into the trees.

02:06:21.000 In certain parts.

02:06:22.000 In comedy, I do.

02:06:23.000 I don't like that in life.

02:06:26.000 Yeah, in my personal relationships, I don't like when it gets scary.

02:06:29.000 I don't like that either.

02:06:30.000 Yeah, that could be a problem.

02:06:32.000 Yeah, I think that we all can learn, like, if we keep doing it.

02:06:37.000 I think, Dom Herrera told me this too.

02:06:39.000 He goes, Joe, one of the things I really love about comedy...

02:06:42.000 He goes, I think I'm better than I've ever been.

02:06:44.000 He goes, I've been doing this comedy for fucking 40 years.

02:06:46.000 I agree with that.

02:06:47.000 I agree with it as well.

02:06:48.000 But it's because of his love of it.

02:06:52.000 Dom loves it.

02:06:53.000 He'll go on stage in the OR and they're bringing him up.

02:06:57.000 Ladies and gentlemen, you've seen this guy on HBO and this and that and that and this.

02:07:01.000 All those fucking credits.

02:07:02.000 And he's walking onto that stage with a big smile on his face.

02:07:05.000 This is the best part of his day.

02:07:06.000 He's going to go up there and fucking murder.

02:07:08.000 Does anybody give a better shitting on you intro than him?

02:07:11.000 No.

02:07:11.000 One of my favorite things at the store is like Dom's bringing up like, oh, I can't wait to hear what he says about me.

02:07:16.000 And it's always like this, he does this complimentary while he's taking your fucking knees out.

02:07:24.000 He's a fantastic on Kill Tony.

02:07:26.000 He's one of the best guests ever on Kill Tony.

02:07:29.000 Oh, okay.

02:07:30.000 Yeah, because those comics go up and they do one minute, and so many of them are brand new.

02:07:35.000 They might have done stand-up once or never before, and it's their first time.

02:07:37.000 I can't believe those kids have the balls to do that.

02:07:39.000 It's amazing.

02:07:40.000 It's a great show.

02:07:41.000 It's a great show because of that.

02:07:43.000 And Tony's such a great host, and him and Red Band fucking with the people.

02:07:46.000 But my favorite, by far, side guest is when Dom is a guest.

02:07:51.000 I'll have to check that out.

02:07:52.000 Because he's so fucking good at it.

02:07:54.000 He's so good at shitting on bad comedy.

02:07:56.000 Yeah.

02:07:58.000 And half compliment you and half shitting at you at the same time.

02:08:01.000 I used to love his show that he used to do at the Laugh Factory, Busting Balls with Dime Herrera.

02:08:06.000 Yeah.

02:08:06.000 I did that.

02:08:07.000 Yeah, and they would sit down with you.

02:08:08.000 I did like an hour on Jamie Masada.

02:08:12.000 Buddy.

02:08:13.000 Buddy Bill Burr.

02:08:13.000 Buddy, I never said that, man.

02:08:15.000 Never said that, Bill Burr.

02:08:16.000 You did say that.

02:08:17.000 You did say that.

02:08:18.000 You did ban me from the club.

02:08:19.000 Listen, Buddy.

02:08:20.000 You did all of this shit.

02:08:21.000 I don't know who put your stuff on YouTube.

02:08:23.000 It was not me, Buddy.

02:08:24.000 It's not me, Buddy.

02:08:25.000 Yeah.

02:08:26.000 Yeah.

02:08:26.000 He never owns up to the fact he banned me from the club one time.

02:08:29.000 That never happened, man.

02:08:30.000 Why'd he ban you?

02:08:33.000 He was doing this thing where he wanted people to work clean or something.

02:08:37.000 And I went up there and admittedly, just some nights you get on stage, you start saying fuck and you can't stop.

02:08:44.000 It was one of those sets.

02:08:46.000 And he goes, buddy, what happened, man?

02:08:49.000 You know, you go up on stage, you fuck, fuck, fuck all over the place, man.

02:08:53.000 And I just laughed.

02:08:54.000 I thought he was fucking around.

02:08:55.000 And then all of a sudden, I wasn't getting spots.

02:08:58.000 And then somebody gave me advice, call him up and apologize.

02:09:03.000 And then he knew he had me.

02:09:04.000 And I apologized, and then he just fucked with me.

02:09:08.000 How long ago was this?

02:09:10.000 Late 90s.

02:09:12.000 Yeah.

02:09:15.000 Fun times.

02:09:16.000 Fun times.

02:09:17.000 No, they were not fun times.

02:09:19.000 And the store was not fun.

02:09:20.000 You would go down to the store, there was like nobody there.

02:09:22.000 And it was just these fucking famous comics would just drop in and they would do like hours.

02:09:29.000 Oh yeah, I remember that.

02:09:30.000 And they didn't do the work.

02:09:31.000 They hadn't written anything.

02:09:33.000 And they were just standing in the mic saying, yeah, so what else is going on?

02:09:35.000 And they were teaching all these young comics that like, someday when I get on a show, I'm going to fucking do that.

02:09:40.000 I'm going to come in there.

02:09:42.000 And I remember...

02:09:44.000 Being like, this is what it is?

02:09:45.000 What the fuck is this?

02:09:46.000 And then, it was all late 90s.

02:09:48.000 Then I went down to the improv.

02:09:50.000 And Seinfeld, right as Seinfeld had wrapped up, and it was the first time I was seeing him live, and it was like, Jerry's popping in.

02:09:57.000 And I was just like, oh, wow, man.

02:09:58.000 Okay, I want to see Jerry.

02:10:00.000 And he had a 20-minute spot, and he did 20 minutes.

02:10:03.000 He came up, he opened with something that worked, he closed with something that worked, and he worked on his new shit in the middle.

02:10:09.000 20 minutes, got the light, wrapped up, thank you, good night.

02:10:11.000 I remember thinking, like, that guy's a fucking pro.

02:10:13.000 A pro.

02:10:14.000 Yeah, there was a time where that was a thing to do, where guys, you know, and I think Chris Rock would do it, where that's how he would come up with material.

02:10:22.000 And he would say to the audience, don't get too excited, this shit ain't gonna be that funny.

02:10:27.000 He would say that.

02:10:28.000 Like, he would go on after somebody that killed.

02:10:30.000 Like, somebody would do like 15 minutes of all their best shit, and then Chris would pop in.

02:10:35.000 Chris would go up afterward, and he'd go, what else?

02:10:39.000 What else?

02:10:40.000 And he would like, I think it was a strategy to put himself in these bad positions, hoping that he would find a way out of it, and then he would take those little chunks that he would find when he would find a way out of it, and then build those into bits.

02:10:52.000 But he wasn't one of those guys that went up and just did two hours to do two hours because he was Chris Rock.

02:10:57.000 No, he did like 20 minutes or something.

02:10:59.000 Yeah, he was always like, whenever I saw him pop in, I would always watch because he had written stuff and he was working on it.

02:11:09.000 I know who you're talking about.

02:11:10.000 Yeah.

02:11:10.000 I know who you're talking about, exactly.

02:11:13.000 There's a couple guys that would do that.

02:11:15.000 Yeah.

02:11:15.000 Oh, it was the worst.

02:11:16.000 It was bad.

02:11:16.000 Because they weren't even trying to entertain the crowd.

02:11:20.000 They were going up there being famous.

02:11:22.000 Yes.

02:11:23.000 And by the time they were done, the fucking show was done.

02:11:26.000 People would just get up in droves.

02:11:27.000 Because it wasn't entertaining.

02:11:28.000 Yeah.

02:11:29.000 Yeah.

02:11:30.000 Well, those days are done.

02:11:32.000 That's the beautiful thing.

02:11:33.000 There's no more of that.

02:11:35.000 A couple people have tried to do that.

02:11:36.000 A couple people have come in fairly recently that are famous and run the light and done 45 minutes to try to do that and they can't come back.

02:11:44.000 They've had a few of those people try to stop in.

02:11:46.000 I never thought that that would...

02:11:48.000 I always thought that fame would win that one.

02:11:51.000 That's good to hear.

02:11:52.000 And they're actually doing the person a favor.

02:11:54.000 Well, you know why they can't do that anymore?

02:11:56.000 The shows are sold out every fucking night at the store, and it's packed with killer comedians.

02:12:04.000 You can't do that anymore.

02:12:05.000 You can't go on between you and Delia and Joey Diaz and just, what else?

02:12:09.000 What else?

02:12:10.000 You can't do that anymore.

02:12:11.000 Those days are done.

02:12:12.000 Yeah, you gotta bring it after Joey.

02:12:14.000 Those days are done.

02:12:15.000 Yeah.

02:12:16.000 Jesus Christ.

02:12:17.000 Joey Diaz will leave a fucking hole in that room.

02:12:19.000 He leaves a hole, and you gotta fill that fucking hole in before you can even start to tell jokes.

02:12:24.000 Yeah.

02:12:24.000 I love Joey.

02:12:25.000 He's a monster.

02:12:26.000 I've never seen anybody kill harder in my life.

02:12:28.000 I've been doing comedy 31 years.

02:12:30.000 I've never seen anybody kill harder than Joey Diaz.

02:12:32.000 Yeah, he has a command.

02:12:34.000 He's a monster.

02:12:35.000 Yeah, when he goes out there, it's like, alright, the captain's here.

02:12:37.000 Yeah, he's a monster.

02:12:38.000 He hits some high...

02:12:40.000 And also, by the way, he's doing comedy from 1990. He's doing comedy like Me Too never happened, the internet never happened, there's no fucking rules.

02:12:47.000 He does not give a fuck.

02:12:50.000 And just really doesn't.

02:12:52.000 It still kills because most people...

02:12:54.000 Yeah.

02:12:54.000 Don't give a fuck.

02:12:55.000 Well, it's funny.

02:12:56.000 Not in a toxic fucking way that they say.

02:12:58.000 It's just like they know they're seeing jokes.

02:13:00.000 They know that he's fucking around.

02:13:02.000 Right.

02:13:02.000 He's funny.

02:13:03.000 Yeah.

02:13:03.000 And it's good.

02:13:04.000 That's the other thing, too.

02:13:05.000 It's ridiculous, outrageous, but it's also really well-worded, well-timed shit.

02:13:13.000 Right.

02:13:13.000 Yeah.

02:13:14.000 This is how much good comedy right now.

02:13:15.000 You know, somebody was telling me there's a thing out there now that if somebody shows up who's hard of hearing, you're supposed to have a device...

02:13:23.000 To help them out.

02:13:24.000 And if they don't, they can sue you.

02:13:26.000 So there's some fucking ambulance chaser, hard of hearing guy going around suing people.

02:13:33.000 Well, I've done shows where they had a sign language horse.

02:13:35.000 And you've done that, right?

02:13:37.000 Where they have to do it at certain theaters.

02:13:39.000 But my thing is, why is it on the club?

02:13:42.000 It's like, you know you're hard of hearing.

02:13:44.000 Yeah.

02:13:47.000 How the fuck, like, I gotta...

02:13:49.000 Yeah, hire somebody.

02:13:50.000 Yeah, if you have a limp, do I have to make sure there's a cane there?

02:13:52.000 I did Cobbs once, and there was a guy in the audience that was deaf, and he actually hired someone to do sign language.

02:13:57.000 So someone was sitting facing him while I was, like, he was facing me, and someone was sitting, like, say, if Jamie is the audience member, and you're, you know, like, this TV's where the stand-up is, this lady was doing this, and then doing this to him, doing this,

02:14:13.000 and doing this to him.

02:14:13.000 And the guy was, like, getting along.

02:14:15.000 And so I was going, what's going on here?

02:14:17.000 And then I had to sort it out.

02:14:19.000 You hired her to do it?

02:14:22.000 He goes, yeah, I bring her to, you know, he explained, I bring her to comedy clubs.

02:14:25.000 I go, do you bring her to movies?

02:14:27.000 Like, he's like, this guy had this lady that he would hire, and she would do sign language for him.

02:14:33.000 Good for him, though.

02:14:34.000 He didn't make a big deal out of it.

02:14:35.000 He hired somebody.

02:14:37.000 That's actually great.

02:14:38.000 So he can go to movies and nobody talking bugs him.

02:14:41.000 People eating their popcorn too loud.

02:14:42.000 He can't hear any of it.

02:14:43.000 He doesn't give a fuck.

02:14:44.000 He only needs to see a movie once.

02:14:46.000 He gets all the fucking dialogue.

02:14:47.000 He doesn't get the music, the manipulation that the music gives you.

02:14:50.000 That shit doesn't work on him.

02:14:52.000 Oh, that's interesting.

02:14:53.000 Yeah.

02:14:53.000 Music drives me nuts in movies.

02:14:55.000 I mean, I like it.

02:14:56.000 It adds to movies.

02:14:57.000 But there's sometimes when I'm aware of it, that's when it bothers me.

02:15:00.000 When I'm aware.

02:15:01.000 When there's like piano playing and the guy and the girl holding hands, I'm like, come on!

02:15:05.000 Right.

02:15:06.000 You didn't need to do this to me.

02:15:07.000 Or if they pick a hacky song that you've seen in like 40 different movies, it's like, all right.

02:15:12.000 Yeah.

02:15:13.000 That was cool when Scorsese used it in 1980. But it's an interesting thing because it came from the time where there was no sound in movies.

02:15:22.000 So they would add a musical soundtrack.

02:15:25.000 Because the movies were silent.

02:15:26.000 And you would see the screen where the words would come out.

02:15:29.000 So we, from then, associated movies with music.

02:15:33.000 It's a weird thing.

02:15:34.000 Like, these people are talking, there's a shootout, there's a fucking fight in a scene, in a movie, in a comedy club or whatever, in the movie, and then there's music playing and all this stuff's going on.

02:15:45.000 Like, why is there music playing?

02:15:47.000 Why are you manipulating?

02:15:48.000 Because they've always had music in movies.

02:15:49.000 So from the time they had...

02:15:51.000 Movies where they were silent, there was music playing in the background, they just kept it in there.

02:15:55.000 Like, it doesn't make sense that music is in movies.

02:15:59.000 You're showing me scenes of things that are supposedly really happening, and I'm supposed to be locked in, like they're really happening, but there's this unexplained fucking music that corresponds with all the action on the screen.

02:16:10.000 But there's an art to everything.

02:16:11.000 Oh, for sure.

02:16:12.000 So, if used properly...

02:16:13.000 Yes.

02:16:14.000 No, for sure there's an art.

02:16:15.000 But it's amazing that we automatically associate those two things together.

02:16:19.000 Right.

02:16:20.000 Because music is a totally different thing than a movie, but yet they're inexorable to us.

02:16:26.000 I wouldn't want to watch Jaws without that fucking thing.

02:16:29.000 Yeah, of course.

02:16:30.000 Yeah.

02:16:31.000 Oh, fuck, it's back.

02:16:33.000 That's all I would think when I'd hear that.

02:16:34.000 Oh, no, it's back.

02:16:36.000 I wonder if when they first invented movies, if they already had invented audio recording.

02:16:42.000 Because it's kind of crazy if they invented video recording before audio.

02:16:46.000 You would think that it'd be easier.

02:16:47.000 No, there used to be some...

02:16:49.000 The person would be playing the piano live.

02:16:51.000 Sure, sure, sure.

02:16:52.000 They did that, too.

02:16:53.000 That's what I thought.

02:16:54.000 I don't know.

02:16:55.000 I think they did that, too.

02:16:55.000 A little before my time.

02:16:56.000 I think they did that, too.

02:16:57.000 But they definitely, if you watch an old, silent movie, there's music playing.

02:17:01.000 You know, I watched a thing on...

02:17:02.000 I like those Turner Classic movies.

02:17:06.000 And...

02:17:08.000 I was watching this thing.

02:17:09.000 They did a whole thing on Buster Keaton.

02:17:11.000 It was fucking unbelievable.

02:17:15.000 I recorded it.

02:17:16.000 I've watched it like three times.

02:17:18.000 Do you know that guy broke his neck doing a fucking stunt?

02:17:21.000 He wasn't even aware that he did it.

02:17:23.000 He was definitely in pain.

02:17:25.000 He was doing some bit that was like a train coming down.

02:17:28.000 You know the water spout thing that you pulled down?

02:17:31.000 Yeah.

02:17:31.000 The joke was that it came down on him, but they didn't understand.

02:17:34.000 They didn't...

02:17:35.000 The physics of it, how hard that water was coming out, and it slammed him down onto the train tracks.

02:17:41.000 There's so much water, you don't see how he hits, but he broke his fucking neck and didn't realize it.

02:17:46.000 Then years later, he went to the doctor with some headaches or something like that.

02:17:49.000 I don't know what the hell it was, but the guy was going, he's just looking at the x-ray.

02:17:54.000 He's like, so when did you break your neck?

02:17:56.000 He goes, I never broke my neck.

02:17:57.000 He goes, yeah, you did.

02:17:59.000 I didn't point this shit out.

02:18:02.000 Yeah.

02:18:03.000 I dislocated my shoulder apparently at one point in time and I didn't know I did it.

02:18:06.000 I got an MRI. The doctor's like, you dislocated your shoulder.

02:18:10.000 Dude, you're a fucking lunatic.

02:18:12.000 I would have been flopping like a fish out of water if I did it.

02:18:16.000 Do you know who else broke his neck in a movie?

02:18:18.000 Stallone.

02:18:18.000 When he was like 65. When he was doing the Expendables.

02:18:22.000 Someone threw him into a wall and he snapped his neck.

02:18:25.000 To this day, he's got bolts and rods in his neck.

02:18:27.000 It's all fused together.

02:18:28.000 Whoa!

02:18:29.000 Yeah, you see an x-ray of his neck?

02:18:30.000 It's fucking nuts.

02:18:31.000 Pull up an x-ray of Sylvester Stallone's neck.

02:18:33.000 Talk about a guy still fucking giving people their money's worth.

02:18:37.000 Yes!

02:18:37.000 65, he won't even do the stunt double?

02:18:39.000 This show is like the Sylvester Stallone fan club show because everybody, like whenever his name comes up, like the other day Eddie Bravo was talking about all the fucking movies.

02:18:48.000 This guy's relevant from Rocky I in the 1970s and now he's doing like Rambo 14 or whatever the fuck it is.

02:18:55.000 He's 85 years old.

02:18:56.000 September 20th, I think.

02:18:57.000 Yeah, he's an...

02:18:58.000 Geriatric old man holding a knife coming to get you.

02:19:01.000 He's still at it.

02:19:03.000 Still at it.

02:19:04.000 Billboards everywhere.

02:19:05.000 Rambo.

02:19:05.000 People are psyched.

02:19:06.000 Probably going to be the number one movie in the country.

02:19:08.000 I love a stuntman.

02:19:09.000 Didn't use a stuntman and broke his fucking neck and then continued filming.

02:19:12.000 That's for all you youngsters out there.

02:19:13.000 Anytime they go, you want this stuntman to do it, always say yes.

02:19:15.000 Look at this.

02:19:16.000 Look at this.

02:19:17.000 Look at his neck.

02:19:20.000 So he's got a cage.

02:19:21.000 Scroll up.

02:19:21.000 Oh my god.

02:19:22.000 Yeah, so his neck is fused.

02:19:25.000 All those vertebrae and screws and bolts, that is his neck for life.

02:19:31.000 Not only that, it compromises the upper and lower discs.

02:19:35.000 So when your neck is fused like that, that's an unnatural sort of condition for those joints.

02:19:41.000 So the upper and lower ones, there's additional stress and it's an unnatural leverage point.

02:19:47.000 Yeah, fuck that.

02:19:48.000 Fucking dude, he did it when he was like 65. He's got screws and bolts in his neck and shit.

02:19:53.000 He got thrown into a wall and cracked.

02:19:57.000 What does it say?

02:19:58.000 Stone Cold Steve Austin was so fucking vicious I ended up getting a hairline fracture in my neck.

02:20:03.000 I'm not joking.

02:20:04.000 I haven't told anyone this.

02:20:06.000 I had to have a very serious operation afterwards.

02:20:08.000 Now I have a metal plate in my neck.

02:20:10.000 Yeah.

02:20:11.000 Yeah, Stone Cold Steve Austin, who's, you know.

02:20:13.000 Who's also, he broke his neck.

02:20:14.000 Oh, he broke everything.

02:20:15.000 All those guys have everything broken.

02:20:16.000 No, the guy was putting him in the pile driver.

02:20:18.000 Oh, really?

02:20:18.000 And he was supposed to, you know.

02:20:20.000 Supposed to leave distance.

02:20:22.000 You're supposed to have, like, the guy's head's poking through.

02:20:24.000 When he jumps up, you kind of ease up with your legs.

02:20:26.000 So at the last second, you tuck your chin, I guess.

02:20:29.000 Right.

02:20:29.000 I watched him explain this shit.

02:20:31.000 And what the guy, the guy was, like, freaking out that he was fighting him or something like that.

02:20:35.000 He fucked up.

02:20:36.000 Oh, look.

02:20:36.000 You can see it right there.

02:20:38.000 Oh, yeah.

02:20:38.000 See that?

02:20:39.000 He didn't do it properly.

02:20:41.000 He dropped him right on his fucking neck.

02:20:46.000 I mean...

02:20:47.000 Ooh!

02:20:47.000 It says almost broke his neck, but it probably fucked up his discs.

02:20:50.000 The craziest one I ever saw...

02:20:51.000 Well, what was crazy was he was supposed to win that match, and then he was just fucking laying there, so they didn't know what to do, so they just took his arm and just put it on the guy's chest, and they were like, one, two, three, over.

02:21:00.000 Oh, my God.

02:21:01.000 Yeah.

02:21:02.000 The craziest one I ever saw was Brock Lesnar.

02:21:04.000 He did a flip through the air and landed on his head.

02:21:08.000 Flip through the air.

02:21:09.000 He's 300 pounds.

02:21:11.000 Flips through the air.

02:21:12.000 I think he called it a shooting star press or something like that.

02:21:14.000 He would flip through the air to land on somebody, but he miscalculated or he slipped or whatever when he did the jump off the top rope.

02:21:21.000 Oh, God.

02:21:21.000 300-pound gigantic man.

02:21:23.000 Lands on his face.

02:21:24.000 Didn't even knock him out.

02:21:25.000 Just continue like, ah!

02:21:26.000 And just fucking pin the guy afterwards.

02:21:28.000 Watch this.

02:21:29.000 Because this is fucking...

02:21:30.000 Oh, God.

02:21:31.000 This shit freaks me out.

02:21:32.000 Absolutely preposterous.

02:21:35.000 Scroll to the end where he flies through the air.

02:21:39.000 Isn't there just a highlight of the actual...

02:21:42.000 We used to joke that that guy was so big.

02:21:44.000 The sword tattoo is like actual size.

02:21:48.000 I don't know what happened to it.

02:21:49.000 Yeah, it's right before that.

02:21:51.000 Right before that.

02:21:52.000 Because that's where he's KO'd.

02:21:54.000 Yeah, right before that.

02:21:56.000 So scroll a little bit before that.

02:21:58.000 A little bit before that.

02:22:01.000 Just right there.

02:22:02.000 Click there.

02:22:03.000 Okay, so it must be right before.

02:22:05.000 So it seems like they're showing highlights here.

02:22:07.000 I thought I could find it easier.

02:22:09.000 Okay.

02:22:09.000 They don't have it on YouTube?

02:22:12.000 I think it's because he's good at the animals getting eaten alive.

02:22:15.000 Yeah, here he is.

02:22:16.000 Here he is.

02:22:17.000 This is him.

02:22:17.000 Oh no.

02:22:18.000 Watch this.

02:22:18.000 Look at the size of that motherfucker.

02:22:20.000 It looks like a cartoon.

02:22:20.000 Look.

02:22:21.000 Boom!

02:22:22.000 He missed.

02:22:23.000 Landed head first.

02:22:24.000 Look at him.

02:22:25.000 Holding his head.

02:22:26.000 Most humans are dead right there.

02:22:28.000 Just dead.

02:22:30.000 So Kurt Angle's trying to pin him.

02:22:32.000 Nope.

02:22:33.000 Shugs him off.

02:22:34.000 The idea that you're even alive when you land in your head like that.

02:22:39.000 He just totally miscalculated.

02:22:41.000 He's so lucky he's not paralyzed.

02:22:42.000 Oh, yeah.

02:22:43.000 Well, he doesn't have a neck.

02:22:44.000 He just has shoulders that go to the top of his head.

02:22:48.000 And he stays with the storyline.

02:22:50.000 Yeah, he popped out of it.

02:22:51.000 Wow, that's a fucking pro.

02:22:53.000 That's why he gets the big bucks.

02:22:54.000 That's why he gets the big bucks.

02:22:56.000 He was thinking about coming back to the UFC up until just a few months ago.

02:23:00.000 He was going to fight Daniel Cormier.

02:23:01.000 They were holding the heavyweight title because they were going to match him and Daniel Cormier.

02:23:06.000 But then he just decided, you know, he was doing some legitimate wrestling with some real national champions in Michigan State.

02:23:13.000 And, you know, I think he got to a point in his life, especially without steroids, because the UFC has very strict anti-doping policies.

02:23:21.000 And the last time he fought, he tested positive.

02:23:24.000 And so he was like, look, I just can't do this.

02:23:27.000 I'm not going to do this.

02:23:29.000 Plus, when he was on...

02:23:32.000 WWE, there's not a chance in the world he was pissing clean.

02:23:35.000 I mean, so for the years after the UFC, when he was on WWE, he was taking whenever the fuck he wanted to, and he was giant, built like a fucking brick shithouse.

02:23:43.000 And then they're like, he's like, I want to fight one more time.

02:23:46.000 And then if he's going to fight one more time, he's got to be clean.

02:23:48.000 So he's got to enter into the USADA testing pool.

02:23:51.000 So he's got to be in that testing pool for a period of several months before they'll allow him to compete.

02:23:56.000 So they're testing him this whole time.

02:23:58.000 Such a dumb fuck.

02:24:00.000 I was picturing him getting into a pool.

02:24:02.000 And I'm like, what do they do?

02:24:04.000 What, you sweat?

02:24:05.000 They figure it out.

02:24:06.000 Get in the pool.

02:24:08.000 We need to clean you.

02:24:09.000 To find out if you're on steroids.

02:24:11.000 But he was that close.

02:24:13.000 I am so glad you continued to talk to that point or I would have been walking around.

02:24:17.000 They got a pool!

02:24:19.000 And they get in the pool and they make you do some laps and then they test the water if there's steroids in it.

02:24:28.000 Why the pool?

02:24:29.000 I just think it's more accurate.

02:24:31.000 You just keep answering and you don't have an answer.

02:24:33.000 You just give one.

02:24:35.000 Oh, boy.

02:24:37.000 All right.

02:24:38.000 He's a fucking giant human being.

02:24:39.000 Yes, he is.

02:24:40.000 That's Viking DNA right there, kids.

02:24:42.000 Yeah.

02:24:43.000 Yes, it is.

02:24:44.000 All right.

02:24:45.000 Let's wrap this bitch up, huh?

02:24:46.000 Yeah.

02:24:46.000 Let's get in the sauna.

02:24:47.000 Relax.

02:24:48.000 Let's do it.

02:24:49.000 Let's do it.

02:24:49.000 Let's take a nice sauna.

02:24:51.000 Ladies and gentlemen.

02:24:52.000 How did you like this cigar, by the way?

02:24:53.000 I liked it very much.

02:24:54.000 Well, I didn't have that one.

02:24:55.000 I had this one right here, which is a different one.

02:24:57.000 What is this one?

02:24:58.000 This is my favorite right here.

02:24:59.000 I wish I could read this, but my old man eyes are not allowing me.

02:25:02.000 La Aurora Sapphire.

02:25:03.000 Great afternoon stick.

02:25:04.000 I got one right here.

02:25:05.000 Great afternoon stick.

02:25:06.000 I'll have it later.

02:25:07.000 Nice and mild, yet flavorful.

02:25:08.000 Tonight, Netflix, midnight.

02:25:10.000 Midnight all across the country, Eastern Time, everywhere.

02:25:13.000 Yes, sir.

02:25:14.000 Yes, sir.

02:25:14.000 Midnight tonight.

02:25:15.000 I don't know how it works in other countries, but I would think the way Netflix does their business, they're good at it.

02:25:20.000 They're on top of it.

02:25:21.000 They're the shit.

02:25:22.000 Yeah.

02:25:23.000 But I'm excited for you, brother.

02:25:24.000 I'm very excited to see it, too.

02:25:26.000 Oh, thank you very much.

02:25:27.000 And once again, thank you to Mike Binder for the way that it looks.

02:25:30.000 Shout out to Mike Binder.

02:25:31.000 Oh, yeah.

02:25:32.000 You gotta see it.

02:25:33.000 And if you come to the Improv and the Comedy Store Thursday night, Bill will be working with me.

02:25:38.000 We're gonna have some fun.

02:25:39.000 And that's it.

02:25:39.000 Bye, you fucks.

02:25:40.000 See ya.

The Joe Rogan Experience - September 09, 2019

Joe Rogan Experience #1348 - Bill Burr

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