The Joe Rogan Experience - Joe Rogan Experience #1358

00:00:00.000 Skipped traffic in LA. There's no way he's not doing that again.

00:00:03.000 We're live.

00:00:04.000 Yeah.

00:00:04.000 Dude, 10 minutes.

00:00:05.000 LAX to Burbank.

00:00:06.000 What are you doing?

00:00:07.000 Helicopters?

00:00:07.000 I rented a helicopter last night.

00:00:09.000 10 minutes.

00:00:10.000 How much does it cost?

00:00:11.000 A thousand dollars.

00:00:12.000 It costs you more than that.

00:00:13.000 It's a thousand dollars.

00:00:14.000 To go where?

00:00:14.000 Where are you going?

00:00:15.000 A thousand dollars.

00:00:16.000 LAX. So to skip coming up.

00:00:18.000 Check out Blade.

00:00:19.000 Wait, why do you want to go?

00:00:21.000 I'm only home for less than 24 hours this trip, and I was panicking, and then I was like, what does it cost to get a helicopter?

00:00:28.000 My assistant Andrew, my cousin Andrew, was like, he's like, let's check.

00:00:32.000 And he's like, it's actually, it's not that expensive.

00:00:34.000 He's like, it's $1,000.

00:00:35.000 And I was like, I go, fuck it, let's shoot some videos, we'll get in the helicopter.

00:00:38.000 And so we just shot a video to promote dates.

00:00:40.000 What does it cost to just fly straight to Burbank?

00:00:43.000 You can't fly from LAX to Burbank.

00:00:45.000 No, I mean from wherever you work.

00:00:46.000 Yeah, but you've got to connect.

00:00:47.000 Explain to me what you're doing it for again.

00:00:49.000 Just to promote dates.

00:00:51.000 No, but it's also to skip.

00:00:53.000 You skipped the 405. Where were you going, though?

00:00:57.000 We landed at LAX last night at 5 o'clock.

00:01:00.000 And I was like, we're going to be in our traffic for two hours.

00:01:03.000 And I was like, I'm going to get home and I won't see the girls.

00:01:05.000 They'll already be asleep.

00:01:06.000 And so I was like, fuck it, let's get a helicopter.

00:01:08.000 And then they grab you from the door of the plane, they drive you across the tarmac over to the helicopter, and you're home in ten fucking minutes.

00:01:16.000 That's pretty nice.

00:01:17.000 And it was at sunset, it was beautiful.

00:01:19.000 It's a big thing now, in New York too, there's actually like three or four.

00:01:22.000 No, you can even fly, you can go to JFK. From Newark to JFK. No, like I'm saying, you can go from Midtown, you can go from Downtown to these Blade stations and fly to JFK. I mean, seems cool.

00:01:33.000 Yeah.

00:01:34.000 If you can wrap your head around it as marketing as opposed to a lifestyle.

00:01:39.000 In New York, it's way, way less expensive because those are pools.

00:01:43.000 So it's on a rotation.

00:01:45.000 Oh, they're just going.

00:01:46.000 So you're just buying a seat.

00:01:47.000 You know what I mean?

00:01:47.000 Wow.

00:01:48.000 You're not doing it for yourself.

00:01:49.000 Have you done it?

00:01:49.000 No, but I did it to go to a gig in New York.

00:01:52.000 So I was in New York and it was to go to Jersey.

00:01:54.000 So I skipped all the rush hour traffic and just flew to Jersey.

00:01:58.000 That's where it's really fucking worth it.

00:01:59.000 That was pretty fun.

00:02:00.000 But they said if you're going out of JFK, you can do it that way too.

00:02:03.000 Our earth is dying.

00:02:04.000 Yeah.

00:02:06.000 I remember having private helicopters.

00:02:08.000 No, I was reading an article about that today.

00:02:11.000 Do you know, like people keep saying, you know, we need to stop eating meat to save the environment?

00:02:15.000 Yeah.

00:02:15.000 Do you know that greenhouse gases, only 9% of all greenhouse gases, 9% are because of agriculture?

00:02:23.000 Less than half of that is because of meat?

00:02:26.000 What is it from?

00:02:27.000 Less than half of that is because of beef.

00:02:30.000 So you're literally dealing with like 3%.

00:02:33.000 What's all the greenhouse gas emissions from then?

00:02:35.000 Pollution.

00:02:36.000 Cars, trucks, vehicles.

00:02:37.000 Helicopters.

00:02:39.000 Big helicopter rides.

00:02:41.000 You go to Vietnam and they're burning their trash in their front yard.

00:02:43.000 Oh my god, it's crazy.

00:02:45.000 Everything we can do in this country, it is a piss on a fire compared to what is happening in the rest of the world.

00:02:51.000 Well, just the thing is that you can't save the world by not eating meat, just to let everybody know.

00:02:56.000 Right.

00:02:57.000 The meat thing is that.

00:02:58.000 Coming from the guy who just shot a one-ton elk.

00:03:00.000 Well, that animal's a wild animal.

00:03:02.000 Yeah.

00:03:02.000 That has nothing to do with animal agriculture.

00:03:04.000 Yeah.

00:03:05.000 It's probably about 800 pounds.

00:03:06.000 It's coming at us.

00:03:07.000 No, he wasn't.

00:03:08.000 800 pounds.

00:03:08.000 That was so cool.

00:03:09.000 You had to carry that out?

00:03:11.000 Yeah.

00:03:11.000 Well, we got lucky that we could get a Ranger to it, so we had to quarter it up, and then we put it in the back of one of those four-wheel drive things.

00:03:17.000 Dragged it?

00:03:17.000 We got it out of there.

00:03:18.000 This is recently?

00:03:19.000 This is a couple days ago.

00:03:20.000 Oh, where was this one?

00:03:21.000 Utah, the mountains.

00:03:22.000 In his front yard, right?

00:03:23.000 In his front yard.

00:03:24.000 I do it a couple times a year.

00:03:26.000 It's where I get all my meat.

00:03:27.000 You guys want some meat?

00:03:28.000 I definitely want some elk.

00:03:29.000 I really do.

00:03:30.000 I'll give you some elk sausage before you leave here.

00:03:32.000 I've got a bunch here.

00:03:32.000 Just like 100 pounds.

00:03:33.000 Nothing crazy, you know?

00:03:35.000 Dude, I can give you 100 pounds.

00:03:36.000 I want 100 pounds.

00:03:38.000 You get 400 pounds of meat off your hotel.

00:03:39.000 Do you ever have too much meat where you bring it home and you're like, fuck, there's no room in the fridge?

00:03:42.000 No, but I have three commercial freezers here and I have two at home.

00:03:47.000 Yeah.

00:03:49.000 You really do eat it, though, because you're always...

00:03:51.000 I eat the fuck out of it.

00:03:52.000 I eat it constantly.

00:03:53.000 Yeah, it's good.

00:03:54.000 It makes you healthy.

00:03:56.000 It looks so good.

00:03:57.000 I put an Instagram picture of my plate.

00:03:59.000 I made it like Joe makes his plates.

00:04:01.000 You know, like a nice steak, kimchi, some jalapenos, avocado.

00:04:06.000 I posted it, and fucking everyone's like, Rogan, Rogan, Rogan.

00:04:10.000 It's like you're known for what your plate looks like.

00:04:12.000 Do you eat healthy?

00:04:14.000 I am now.

00:04:14.000 Sometimes?

00:04:15.000 You are now?

00:04:16.000 I lost...

00:04:16.000 I'm down...

00:04:17.000 21 pounds.

00:04:18.000 Really?

00:04:19.000 Fuck!

00:04:19.000 What'd you do, just take a big shit?

00:04:21.000 I went to the cardiologist, and he was like, this is done.

00:04:25.000 Really?

00:04:25.000 Yeah, he's like, hey man, you're getting a fatty liver.

00:04:27.000 I heard you talking with the black stripes.

00:04:29.000 Yes.

00:04:30.000 About that.

00:04:30.000 White stripes.

00:04:31.000 No, not the white stripes.

00:04:32.000 Black keys.

00:04:33.000 Black keys.

00:04:34.000 Always with the black and the white.

00:04:35.000 You kidding?

00:04:37.000 He's the racist comic.

00:04:39.000 I should not keep that going.

00:04:41.000 It's done!

00:04:42.000 It's done!

00:04:42.000 It's over!

00:04:43.000 It's the worst.

00:04:44.000 You're the furor of funny.

00:04:45.000 The furor of funny.

00:04:48.000 Can't wait to give Ari his nickname.

00:04:50.000 Do you have a fatty liver?

00:04:52.000 Legitimately?

00:04:52.000 No, no.

00:04:53.000 He said it's at the beginning.

00:04:55.000 Because he'd been testing my livers every nine months.

00:04:57.000 You've been having a heart attack for the last two months.

00:04:58.000 Wait, wait.

00:04:59.000 That's no joke.

00:04:59.000 You lost how much?

00:05:00.000 21 pounds.

00:05:01.000 That's crazy.

00:05:02.000 In the last...

00:05:03.000 How long?

00:05:03.000 In one month.

00:05:04.000 Are you down below the...

00:05:05.000 What?

00:05:05.000 I didn't drink.

00:05:05.000 It was a big thing.

00:05:07.000 I didn't drink.

00:05:07.000 And I go to Hot Spin every day.

00:05:10.000 And I was home.

00:05:11.000 Hot Spin?

00:05:12.000 Hot Spin.

00:05:12.000 So it's like hot yoga, but you're spinning?

00:05:14.000 Yeah.

00:05:14.000 They have the heat on.

00:05:15.000 It's like 100-something degrees.

00:05:16.000 It's awesome.

00:05:17.000 Wow.

00:05:17.000 Dude.

00:05:18.000 Yeah.

00:05:18.000 I took a...

00:05:19.000 What's it called?

00:05:20.000 Hot Spin?

00:05:21.000 Just called Hot Spin?

00:05:22.000 The Sweat Shop in Toluca Lake.

00:05:24.000 The Sweat Shop with two peas in an E? Yeah.

00:05:26.000 It's called to Appropriating Slave Labor.

00:05:29.000 Oh.

00:05:29.000 It is.

00:05:30.000 A sweatshop.

00:05:30.000 For some rich fucking suburban people to exercise.

00:05:34.000 Because sweatshop's a real thing.

00:05:35.000 It's part of some of its history.

00:05:36.000 And you would never understand.

00:05:37.000 So why don't you be quiet about the black people talk here.

00:05:40.000 Tell them, Ari.

00:05:42.000 So you've been going to that.

00:05:43.000 And wait, what did the doctor say?

00:05:44.000 Will you say what he said?

00:05:45.000 Yeah.

00:05:46.000 So he said you got a fatty lip.

00:05:47.000 No, he goes, he did a sonogram of my organs every time.

00:05:51.000 He does like a sonogram of them.

00:05:53.000 Yeah.

00:05:54.000 He goes, your liver's looking fatty.

00:05:56.000 I said, is that from drinking?

00:05:58.000 He goes, no, it's because you're 258 pounds.

00:06:00.000 And he's like, it's the most common thing I see when I go and work as a doctor for clinics.

00:06:06.000 It's like, just donate his time.

00:06:07.000 He goes, everyone's got a fatty liver.

00:06:10.000 And that is the cause of the beginning of your decline for your health.

00:06:14.000 And I went, it freaked me out.

00:06:16.000 And I was like, alright, no booze, no sweets, no sugars, no pastas, no breads.

00:06:21.000 And I was like, I'm going to fucking lose weight.

00:06:24.000 So you didn't drink at all for a month?

00:06:25.000 No, I had like a couple drinks.

00:06:28.000 A few bottles.

00:06:30.000 For me.

00:06:33.000 Ari and I decided we're going to set this up like when the Navy SEALs get to ring the bell to quit.

00:06:39.000 We're going to set this place up with ice and vodka.

00:06:42.000 We're going to just leave it all laying out on the table.

00:06:45.000 I could easily tap out first date.

00:06:49.000 Well, we were thinking that we kind of cheated by smoking cigars.

00:06:52.000 Well, it's already done.

00:06:53.000 We got high on these cigars.

00:06:55.000 I think if anyone's cheating, it's Ari's alcoholic kombucha.

00:06:58.000 Well, we were hoping that you guys were going to tell us that we already cheated.

00:07:02.000 And that's over.

00:07:03.000 Oh my god, it'd be lovely.

00:07:05.000 Hey, guess what?

00:07:05.000 You're right, you're losers.

00:07:07.000 It's over.

00:07:08.000 Alright, let's enjoy our months.

00:07:09.000 I got a 12 o'clock flight tonight.

00:07:11.000 So, no sugar, no pasta, no booze, or very little booze?

00:07:15.000 Very little booze.

00:07:16.000 That's great.

00:07:16.000 What's very little?

00:07:18.000 Friday, Saturday.

00:07:20.000 Like, I could drink on Friday or Saturday.

00:07:22.000 But how much did you drink on Friday?

00:07:23.000 Not much.

00:07:24.000 All of it?

00:07:24.000 Because I get super...

00:07:26.000 I get, like, the first two Friday, Saturdays I didn't drink.

00:07:30.000 Did you...

00:07:31.000 Post, you were getting an IV because...

00:07:33.000 Oh, by the way, wait till I tell you what happened.

00:07:36.000 That backfired on me a big fucking time.

00:07:38.000 Why?

00:07:39.000 Why'd you need it, though?

00:07:40.000 Let's start with Ari slipping me molly.

00:07:43.000 What?

00:07:43.000 Let's start there.

00:07:45.000 You slipped him on?

00:07:46.000 Yeah.

00:07:47.000 Dude, what are you doing?

00:07:49.000 What are you doing?

00:07:50.000 How much?

00:07:51.000 That's enough.

00:07:52.000 Interesting.

00:07:53.000 How did you do it?

00:07:54.000 Where was this?

00:07:55.000 It was at his house.

00:07:55.000 It was at my house in front of my children.

00:07:57.000 Oh.

00:07:58.000 We had a shot before we started.

00:08:00.000 I had to empty out a capsule and fucking put it into a shot.

00:08:02.000 Are you out of your mind?

00:08:04.000 Are you out of your mind?

00:08:05.000 Yeah.

00:08:06.000 Yeah.

00:08:07.000 Yeah.

00:08:07.000 It was great.

00:08:08.000 No, it wasn't.

00:08:09.000 It was great.

00:08:09.000 It was not.

00:08:10.000 You're making me go on this fucking stupid shit.

00:08:12.000 Joe, what kind of sociopath are we friends with?

00:08:15.000 He did it to punish me.

00:08:16.000 Because I have to be sober.

00:08:18.000 You don't give up, Molly.

00:08:19.000 You're only giving up alcohol.

00:08:21.000 I don't do molly because I just got back from the doctor and he said, hey, it's time to get healthy.

00:08:24.000 I agree.

00:08:26.000 I agree.

00:08:26.000 You don't think it's fucking crazy that you would do that?

00:08:29.000 A bit.

00:08:30.000 You're not doing it to your fucking college roommate.

00:08:33.000 Did you even get the molly tested?

00:08:35.000 Where are you buying this molly?

00:08:36.000 I've done it for my favorite molly dealer.

00:08:40.000 And you just spiked his drink?

00:08:42.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:08:42.000 High blood pressure, high cholesterol.

00:08:45.000 Guys, you're all talking about one ifs.

00:08:45.000 I would want to kill you.

00:08:46.000 I would fucking want to kill you.

00:08:47.000 He wanted to for about ten minutes until the molly kicked in and then he was fine.

00:08:52.000 How fun was it?

00:08:54.000 It's Molly.

00:08:55.000 It's fucking...

00:08:56.000 I had to fly that night.

00:08:59.000 I was on a fucking plane going like, when's this gonna fucking stop?

00:09:01.000 Because I didn't know that orange juice kicks it back up.

00:09:04.000 So I'm drinking...

00:09:05.000 Orange juice kicks it back up?

00:09:06.000 I don't know.

00:09:07.000 You drink a lot of orange juice generally?

00:09:09.000 On the fucking plane, I'm drinking, trying to get hydrated, because I'm on fucking Molly.

00:09:12.000 And so I'm drinking Tito's and orange juice.

00:09:16.000 Wait a minute, you're drinking Tito's while you're on Molly?

00:09:19.000 Hey, Joe.

00:09:20.000 Joe, party's at.

00:09:21.000 Party's in.

00:09:22.000 Okay, I didn't pick the Molly.

00:09:23.000 But you already knew you were on it.

00:09:24.000 Yeah, and I was having severe panic attacks.

00:09:27.000 Because I'm like, I don't do Molly.

00:09:29.000 And I'm thinking, that kid died from Molly in Mexico.

00:09:32.000 That comedy writer.

00:09:33.000 Oh yeah, I don't think it was that.

00:09:34.000 He died from Molly, and I'm sitting there going, I'm 46, I got high blood pressure, high cholesterol, I'm on pain, I'm on meds.

00:09:40.000 It was great.

00:09:41.000 He noticed how great his wife looked, and he was like, she's awesome.

00:09:44.000 I've got a great wife.

00:09:45.000 Yeah, I was definitely on Molly.

00:09:46.000 He's looking out through the window.

00:09:48.000 Do you do this a lot?

00:09:50.000 Do you spike drinks?

00:09:50.000 I've never done it before.

00:09:52.000 Really?

00:09:52.000 Yeah, the first time.

00:09:53.000 And what made you fucking want to...

00:09:55.000 Well, because I don't really want to do the sobriety things.

00:09:57.000 You mean for the month?

00:09:58.000 So you just forced him to do a drug?

00:10:00.000 Yeah, so he's doing it for me.

00:10:01.000 Yeah, a fun hard party drug.

00:10:04.000 Would you do that to Tom?

00:10:05.000 Or would you only do that to Bert?

00:10:06.000 He said he'd do it to you.

00:10:07.000 If this podcast was yesterday, then yeah, you would have all been dosed.

00:10:11.000 Seriously?

00:10:11.000 Yeah.

00:10:12.000 I said to him, you would not do this to Joe, and he goes, 100% I would.

00:10:15.000 Yeah, if this podcast was yesterday, I wouldn't have broken up sobriety.

00:10:18.000 Why would you do that when you just offer it to us?

00:10:21.000 Yeah, why the spike?

00:10:22.000 He wouldn't take it.

00:10:24.000 No way he'd take it.

00:10:25.000 You, I could offer it to.

00:10:26.000 You're a fucking grown-up.

00:10:28.000 This child, you're not a grown-up.

00:10:30.000 But...

00:10:31.000 How mad would you be if you got spiked?

00:10:33.000 I'd be very mad.

00:10:34.000 If you were at your house, it was your last...

00:10:36.000 I'd have something to do.

00:10:37.000 The problem is if you have something to do that's out the window.

00:10:40.000 You were good.

00:10:40.000 Thank you.

00:10:41.000 We were planning on getting drunk at the podcast.

00:10:43.000 I was planning on having a couple drinks with you and then getting you out of my house, having dinner with my children, relaxing, getting on a plane, and going on tour.

00:10:51.000 Instead, that's scrap.

00:10:53.000 You had so much fun.

00:10:56.000 I don't believe your fake anger.

00:10:57.000 That's a real weird one, Ari.

00:10:58.000 There's no fake anger in this.

00:11:00.000 That's a weird one.

00:11:01.000 Here's what I did.

00:11:02.000 I like to be on your side with this, Ari.

00:11:04.000 Thank you.

00:11:05.000 I appreciate it.

00:11:06.000 End of story.

00:11:07.000 Thank you.

00:11:08.000 He said he's not on your side.

00:11:09.000 That's not what I heard.

00:11:10.000 He said how much he likes being on my side.

00:11:14.000 Look, I would like to be on your side too, but I would be enraged if you did that to me.

00:11:17.000 He said, I'm going to call Tom, he's going to be really mad at you.

00:11:20.000 I'm like, Tom's going to die laughing instantly.

00:11:22.000 And he goes, no, he's going to be mad at you.

00:11:24.000 How many times have you done Molly?

00:11:25.000 Me?

00:11:26.000 Yeah.

00:11:27.000 I don't think I've ever, no, none.

00:11:28.000 Zero.

00:11:29.000 Yeah.

00:11:29.000 You?

00:11:30.000 A couple.

00:11:30.000 When I was a kid.

00:11:31.000 Yeah.

00:11:32.000 Did ecstasy.

00:11:33.000 Yeah, I guess, okay, so.

00:11:35.000 I've never done Molly.

00:11:36.000 I've never done Molly.

00:11:36.000 Molly's just pure ecstasy.

00:11:38.000 Yeah, I've never done Molly.

00:11:39.000 It's way better.

00:11:40.000 It's better for you.

00:11:41.000 Have you?

00:11:41.000 Yeah, once.

00:11:43.000 Like you put the powder in your lip?

00:11:45.000 Just took pills.

00:11:46.000 Yeah.

00:11:47.000 The problem was the next day.

00:11:50.000 Thank you.

00:11:51.000 I was so dumb.

00:11:52.000 The next day I remember being in a coffee shop trying to read a magazine.

00:11:55.000 I couldn't read.

00:11:57.000 I couldn't take in a paragraph.

00:12:00.000 I would try to read a paragraph and then it would start over again.

00:12:02.000 And I would try to read it again.

00:12:03.000 You're out of your mind.

00:12:04.000 What do you mean?

00:12:05.000 And I bombed that night.

00:12:07.000 I went on stage that night.

00:12:08.000 I had to go on tour.

00:12:09.000 I had to go on tour to, what, 2,800 people that night on the next night on Molly.

00:12:14.000 And I was like, I didn't do two shows.

00:12:15.000 You were on Molly.

00:12:15.000 You were on Molly for 28 hours later.

00:12:17.000 I was, like, coming off of drugs.

00:12:19.000 And I was like, I was like, mother, like, I was shaky.

00:12:21.000 I couldn't think straight.

00:12:23.000 I was like, fucking.

00:12:24.000 You can't think straight.

00:12:25.000 Yeah.

00:12:25.000 Once you do get off that stuff, the thing is, like, you're dumb.

00:12:28.000 Like, you're, you're, you're, you're, all your brain juice is all fucking squeezed out.

00:12:33.000 But you don't think, I mean, like, you definitely would see that spiking a girl's drink is not okay.

00:12:37.000 Right.

00:12:38.000 If it's for sex, yeah, then it's not okay.

00:12:42.000 But it's just for goofs?

00:12:43.000 For goofs, yeah.

00:12:44.000 If you're friends.

00:12:45.000 What?

00:12:46.000 In the right circumstances?

00:12:47.000 Absolutely.

00:12:48.000 Listen, Bill Cosby.

00:12:50.000 Listen, Bill Cosby.

00:12:51.000 You're a little bit...

00:12:52.000 Dr. Hugs will over here.

00:12:53.000 You're a little fucking...

00:12:54.000 You're only pulling sex into it.

00:12:55.000 If it's just for fun, good times.

00:12:57.000 What is the right circumstances where you'd be able to drug someone?

00:13:00.000 If a bunch of people are out, and then everyone's going to do acid, and then somebody's always kind of like expressed interest in acid, and then you don't know if they're going to do it or not, so you're just like, I know you.

00:13:12.000 You would like this.

00:13:13.000 You took some.

00:13:13.000 I think you know it's not okay to do that.

00:13:15.000 I think you know.

00:13:16.000 I'll tell you right now, I know you regretted it.

00:13:19.000 After you did it, the next day, I think you felt bad about it.

00:13:23.000 I felt...

00:13:24.000 No, I felt...

00:13:24.000 Yes, you did.

00:13:25.000 I thought it was great.

00:13:25.000 Because I noticed how you text, and Tom did too.

00:13:28.000 You were like, hey man, I had a great time the other day.

00:13:31.000 Fucking...

00:13:32.000 I told you what to take, 5-HTP. Let's go get some.

00:13:35.000 That's great.

00:13:36.000 Did it help?

00:13:37.000 No, nothing helped.

00:13:38.000 So wait, did all this lead to the IV? Is this what the IV is?

00:13:41.000 I led to the IV because I was shaking and I was like, man, I don't feel right.

00:13:45.000 And they're like, you were on Molly last night.

00:13:46.000 You didn't sleep on the plane.

00:13:47.000 I flew all through the night.

00:13:49.000 Didn't sleep.

00:13:49.000 I was just fucking like...

00:13:50.000 All through the night.

00:13:51.000 Did it fuck up your shows?

00:13:53.000 I don't know.

00:13:54.000 I don't know.

00:13:54.000 No.

00:13:55.000 I don't think so.

00:13:56.000 You pulled it together.

00:13:58.000 I think people think I'm hammered on stage anyway.

00:14:00.000 But what happened was I couldn't...

00:14:02.000 The whole weekend I kept trying to just right the boat by going like...

00:14:07.000 And you can't do that with alcohol.

00:14:08.000 You just got to do that by getting off.

00:14:10.000 But it's my last weekend of Sober October and that's why right now I'm just like, ugh, fuck.

00:14:15.000 Damn, Ari.

00:14:16.000 I'm sorry.

00:14:18.000 I don't believe him.

00:14:18.000 I'm not sorry.

00:14:19.000 I'm so glad I did it.

00:14:21.000 Are you serious?

00:14:21.000 What if I had died?

00:14:23.000 Then I'd be more sorry.

00:14:24.000 Whose podcast was it?

00:14:25.000 Yours?

00:14:26.000 Mine.

00:14:26.000 It was great.

00:14:28.000 I'm on Molly, yeah.

00:14:30.000 I'll tell you, I will never, I love this man.

00:14:34.000 Joey Diaz, I called you, then I called you, then I called, I'm panicking.

00:14:38.000 I'm in a panic.

00:14:38.000 You called me?

00:14:39.000 Yeah.

00:14:40.000 I didn't get a call.

00:14:41.000 I was on stage, right?

00:14:43.000 And then I called you back after.

00:14:44.000 Tom called me back, and then Joey Diaz, I said, Ari just slipped me molly, and all he said is, I'll be there in ten, dog.

00:14:50.000 I'll be there in ten minutes.

00:14:51.000 He came to your house?

00:14:51.000 Came to the house, sat with me, he's like, you're gonna be fine.

00:14:53.000 Told the stories.

00:14:54.000 You're gonna be fine.

00:14:55.000 He just told stories.

00:14:56.000 The sun was going over his shoulder, and it was just setting.

00:14:59.000 It was so beautiful.

00:15:01.000 He was like a fucking, it was like he was like a god.

00:15:03.000 You definitely shouldn't do that, Ari.

00:15:05.000 Okay, but talk about the good parts, though.

00:15:07.000 So it was beautiful?

00:15:09.000 You're like a guy that raped her going, yeah, but you like dick, right?

00:15:13.000 So the dick was in you, you like dicks in you.

00:15:15.000 So talk about how great it was with the sun setting behind Joey Diaz as he's telling these stories of starting comedy.

00:15:22.000 I mean, you know what he's doing, right?

00:15:23.000 He's like, see, it was a good night.

00:15:25.000 It was so great.

00:15:26.000 It was so fun.

00:15:27.000 I can't co-sign this because I don't want kids hearing this going, oh, Ari did it.

00:15:32.000 Savage Ari Shaffir.

00:15:34.000 No, no.

00:15:34.000 I'm going to spike my friend's drink.

00:15:36.000 Kids don't do it.

00:15:37.000 Good point.

00:15:38.000 I can't co-sign it.

00:15:39.000 I can't even release the fucking podcast because I don't want anyone going like...

00:15:43.000 Because I am in a good mood.

00:15:45.000 I'm on Molly.

00:15:46.000 I'm high as shit.

00:15:47.000 You don't want anyone getting active representation of what Molly does to you.

00:15:50.000 I don't want kids...

00:15:52.000 It's different if I take it myself.

00:15:54.000 You don't want kids to take me over a train either.

00:15:55.000 The whole podcast is about you drugging me.

00:15:57.000 It's not about me taking Molly.

00:15:58.000 I think you've expressed that you were against it on the podcast.

00:16:02.000 The views of this podcast do not represent...

00:16:05.000 Do you know how hard it is to be your friend?

00:16:08.000 Do you have any fucking idea?

00:16:10.000 It was so great to see you.

00:16:11.000 All smiles.

00:16:12.000 You were in such a good mood.

00:16:13.000 You never dosed anybody before, but you chose that one moment to dose Bert.

00:16:17.000 Yeah, I realized how great it would be.

00:16:19.000 I had to take that from LA. If you went to Tom's house to do a podcast and you had the Molly on you, you think you would have dosed him?

00:16:24.000 Okay, here's why it's different.

00:16:26.000 Tom alone hasn't really, I feel like he's not the reason I have to do this month of sobriety, where I do blame you a lot more.

00:16:35.000 Then let's not do it.

00:16:36.000 I'm down with that.

00:16:37.000 I don't want to be scared to be around you.

00:16:40.000 I won't toast you again.

00:16:41.000 That's a one-time only thing.

00:16:42.000 Just get the ice.

00:16:43.000 That's a one-time only thing.

00:16:44.000 You've got to not do that again, dude.

00:16:45.000 No, that's a one-time only thing.

00:16:46.000 I'm concerned about leasing the podcast because I'm wondering if someone's going to go, that's illegal.

00:16:51.000 Let's fucking call the police.

00:16:53.000 Well, this podcast wouldn't exist.

00:16:56.000 Without some illegalities.

00:16:57.000 This podcast, the entire time we were doing it, we were smoking weed from the beginning of the podcast, ten years ago.

00:17:02.000 Yeah.

00:17:03.000 Weed's only been legal since two years ago.

00:17:05.000 Tom, you laughed like crazy when you heard about it.

00:17:07.000 Well, I'm on the phone in a green room, and he's like, I already spiked my drink.

00:17:12.000 I didn't know really what was going on.

00:17:16.000 I didn't know he was even serious.

00:17:17.000 I'm on the phone.

00:17:18.000 He's got a hydro flask with his name on it.

00:17:21.000 What?

00:17:21.000 Like a little kid.

00:17:22.000 A little kid with a notebook.

00:17:24.000 Turn it to somebody to see.

00:17:27.000 So like a little kid with a notebook.

00:17:29.000 It says, Bert Kreischer, 7th grade.

00:17:31.000 Yeah.

00:17:31.000 Bert Kreischer.

00:17:33.000 He said, I couldn't be around my kids.

00:17:36.000 I had to say goodbye to my kids that night.

00:17:38.000 High as fuck.

00:17:39.000 I go into my daughter's room and she's got these lasers that make stars on her ceiling.

00:17:43.000 And you're dancing.

00:17:44.000 And I'm blowing up.

00:17:44.000 I'm just like...

00:17:45.000 Okay.

00:17:46.000 It's like, I'll turn it up.

00:17:47.000 I go...

00:17:48.000 Turn this up, daughter!

00:17:49.000 She gave me a hug, and I was like fucking beaming.

00:17:52.000 I was like...

00:17:52.000 I smelled her hair, and I was like, God, I fucking love you.

00:17:55.000 That sounds awesome.

00:17:55.000 And I'm like...

00:17:56.000 And in my head, I'm like...

00:17:57.000 Joey said something to me that goes, You would have already had your stroke.

00:18:00.000 It would have already happened.

00:18:02.000 Fuck, man.

00:18:03.000 Like Joey's a doctor?

00:18:04.000 No, but in those moments, it helps.

00:18:08.000 It's just panic attacks.

00:18:09.000 Right, right, right.

00:18:10.000 So I give Island Georgia hugs and kisses goodbye.

00:18:13.000 Give Leanne the longest kiss goodbye.

00:18:16.000 By the way, my flight's not leaving until midnight.

00:18:17.000 It's like 7 o'clock.

00:18:19.000 I can't be around them.

00:18:20.000 I'm like talking fucking quick.

00:18:23.000 I have big ideas.

00:18:24.000 So then I go to the store.

00:18:26.000 Wait, how good was the shower?

00:18:27.000 The shower was pretty amazing.

00:18:29.000 I can't deny Molly's not fucking amazing.

00:18:33.000 It's the surprise element.

00:18:35.000 The comedown's not worth it, in my opinion.

00:18:37.000 The comedown's not worth it at all.

00:18:38.000 But then we went to the store.

00:18:40.000 You just hung out?

00:18:41.000 I needed to be somewhere, and I couldn't just wait at the airport.

00:18:45.000 It was like 9.30.

00:18:47.000 Yeah, the store.

00:18:48.000 So I sat at the store for like an hour, drinking.

00:18:51.000 Comedy store?

00:18:52.000 Yeah, the comedy store.

00:18:52.000 So you went on Molly to the comedy store?

00:18:54.000 Yeah, I just went there to hang out in the back room.

00:18:56.000 He came in all angry, like, and then David Spade was there, and he loves celebrities.

00:19:01.000 So I was like, what happened?

00:19:01.000 He's like, alright, it's a fun story, let me tell you.

00:19:04.000 It was killing in the green room.

00:19:05.000 It was killing.

00:19:07.000 By the way, I took it on stage and it destroyed on stage.

00:19:11.000 So you were high on Molly on stage?

00:19:13.000 No, no, no, no.

00:19:14.000 I told her about getting...

00:19:16.000 Oh, so you told the next day when you were doing your shows.

00:19:19.000 So it's a bit now.

00:19:20.000 You guys are going to see...

00:19:21.000 It sucks.

00:19:22.000 I'm a comedian.

00:19:23.000 What am I going to do with it?

00:19:24.000 Just be a victim?

00:19:25.000 Lay in my tour bus?

00:19:26.000 Talk to my therapist?

00:19:27.000 That's good.

00:19:27.000 You should do that if you get raped.

00:19:28.000 What if that's the new machine?

00:19:32.000 It won't be.

00:19:33.000 Hey, man.

00:19:34.000 Why so negative?

00:19:37.000 It's amazing.

00:19:39.000 Maybe that's your new thing.

00:19:40.000 Instead of taking your shirt off, people just spike your drink.

00:19:43.000 Oh my god.

00:19:44.000 Why would you say that?

00:19:45.000 Oh my god.

00:19:46.000 No way.

00:19:46.000 Do not do that.

00:19:47.000 Why would you say that?

00:19:49.000 I'm out.

00:19:50.000 I'm out.

00:19:51.000 Do not do that.

00:19:51.000 He's the one who spiked your drink and he's like, don't say that.

00:19:54.000 Don't do that.

00:19:55.000 It's hilarious.

00:19:56.000 No, you can't accept drinks from anyone.

00:19:59.000 It's a one-time only thing.

00:20:00.000 Not with our fuckhead fans.

00:20:02.000 It happens and I'm done.

00:20:04.000 It's over.

00:20:04.000 Everybody that's done.

00:20:06.000 I find our fans to be lovely.

00:20:07.000 That is a one-time thing.

00:20:09.000 Listen, I'm sorry I had a great time with you, but I'm sorry you had to come to me doing it behind your back.

00:20:14.000 Cut that fucking thing off your wrist.

00:20:16.000 But I'm glad we did it.

00:20:18.000 It was so much fun.

00:20:19.000 At some point, he was starting to get angry, and then he goes, Oh, your eyes are great.

00:20:24.000 Let me see those eyes.

00:20:25.000 Beautiful eyes.

00:20:27.000 Wouldn't the world be a better place if everybody was on just a smidge?

00:20:31.000 Yeah.

00:20:31.000 Just a smidge of Molly all the time.

00:20:33.000 Probably.

00:20:34.000 A lot more empathetic world.

00:20:35.000 I didn't even give him a full dose.

00:20:37.000 Oh, cool.

00:20:37.000 Thanks, man.

00:20:38.000 You're welcome.

00:20:39.000 Like a half a dose?

00:20:40.000 The best is he goes...

00:20:43.000 We were in the store and I'm talking to Tony Hinchcliffe.

00:20:46.000 And I go, he would never have done it to anyone else.

00:20:48.000 He only would have done it to me.

00:20:49.000 And he goes, that's not true.

00:20:51.000 That's not true.

00:20:51.000 I said, would you do this to Rogan?

00:20:52.000 He goes, 100%.

00:20:53.000 It was all of us together.

00:20:55.000 It was all of us together, yes.

00:20:57.000 No, you and Joe at his house, you wouldn't spike his drink and then go, hey man.

00:21:01.000 If he forced me into a thing where I had to give up things I love for a month...

00:21:05.000 Then yeah, he would have got it.

00:21:06.000 So Ari has been mad at you, and I'm probably the only one here besides him that listens to his podcast.

00:21:13.000 You don't listen to his podcast, I do.

00:21:15.000 Ari gets fucking furious at you, Bert, for this.

00:21:19.000 Oh, then fucking let's stop.

00:21:21.000 You got me.

00:21:22.000 You got me, bro.

00:21:23.000 So bombed October.

00:21:24.000 What are we doing with our lives?

00:21:25.000 You really get mad at him for that?

00:21:27.000 So mad.

00:21:28.000 So mad.

00:21:28.000 He got so mad.

00:21:29.000 It was crazy.

00:21:29.000 It didn't even do anything.

00:21:30.000 He drank just as much after October as before.

00:21:32.000 It never curbed anything.

00:21:33.000 What are we still doing this for?

00:21:35.000 He's got a point.

00:21:37.000 That the whole reason why we did it in the first place was to try to sober you up.

00:21:40.000 We didn't think he'd be able to do it.

00:21:42.000 He had no problem at all.

00:21:43.000 So are we announcing that on the 1st of October we're done with this shit?

00:21:48.000 Listen, no one has a problem here except Burt.

00:21:51.000 I like a glass of wine...

00:21:54.000 With dinner, maybe two.

00:21:56.000 Isn't it great?

00:21:56.000 I like a shot of whiskey before I go on stage.

00:21:59.000 That's nice too.

00:22:00.000 Maybe occasionally I like a beer while I'm on stage.

00:22:03.000 Watching the Yankees?

00:22:03.000 I'm not a drinker in the sense of I don't get drunk a lot.

00:22:07.000 If I get drunk once a month, it's a crazy month.

00:22:11.000 Like drunk.

00:22:12.000 And it's usually somewhere where I'm like with you guys or something.

00:22:15.000 Maybe a podcast.

00:22:16.000 We just start doing drinks.

00:22:19.000 I've always wondered that.

00:22:20.000 Do you just get like a buzz?

00:22:21.000 Like a little buzz and then you're fine?

00:22:23.000 Then I stop.

00:22:24.000 Dude, I work out too much.

00:22:25.000 I'm too healthy.

00:22:27.000 I'm getting up in the morning.

00:22:28.000 Most mornings I'm either doing yoga or I'm running or I'm lifting weights and doing cardio.

00:22:33.000 I can't take the beating.

00:22:35.000 And at 52, it's not fun.

00:22:38.000 The beating on your body.

00:22:39.000 Of alcohol?

00:22:40.000 Yeah, the beating of, you know, as you get older, it's harder to recover from things, harder to recover from workouts, harder to get back into shape.

00:22:48.000 But if you stay in shape, so that's the whole thing is like staying in shape.

00:22:52.000 If you stay in shape and take care of your body, you can get a lot more life out of your body than most people think.

00:22:59.000 Right.

00:22:59.000 It's inevitable.

00:23:01.000 That your body's going to fall apart.

00:23:02.000 Whether my body falls apart at 60 or 70, whatever the fuck the year is going to be, it's going to happen.

00:23:07.000 But right now, it works great.

00:23:09.000 So my thought is, right now, I'm not going to fuck it up.

00:23:12.000 I do a little bit of booze.

00:23:14.000 I like a little bit.

00:23:15.000 But I can recover from a little bit, no problem.

00:23:17.000 Sure.

00:23:17.000 And there's a lot of studies that show that a little bit of wine, in particular, a glass of wine or two, there's some benefits to it.

00:23:24.000 There's actually some health benefits.

00:23:25.000 But also, us pushing this month has become more about the camaraderie and the challenge aspect, and not really about needing sobriety.

00:23:35.000 Well, he needs it, though.

00:23:37.000 Stop.

00:23:38.000 He had no problem at all quitting.

00:23:40.000 I have no problem quitting.

00:23:41.000 This was easier than ours.

00:23:43.000 You're correct.

00:23:45.000 He actually had less of a problem than he does because he's spiking people's drink to get back at them because they won't let him drink.

00:23:50.000 Well, he's just angry at you because he likes to drink in October and he actually doesn't have a problem.

00:23:54.000 And I like to do drugs.

00:23:55.000 You don't even do drugs.

00:23:57.000 For you.

00:23:58.000 I do drugs, I do molly.

00:24:01.000 The criticism is right here in this box.

00:24:03.000 I got mushrooms.

00:24:04.000 I got acid.

00:24:05.000 We can get partying.

00:24:06.000 We can get partying, you guys.

00:24:07.000 We can get crazy.

00:24:09.000 How about we do Sober October except for acid?

00:24:12.000 So you can nibble on acid the whole month.

00:24:14.000 Except for mushrooms, we can microdose the whole month.

00:24:17.000 For me, I would just be like, hey, can we just do edibles all month, but just stay away from everything else?

00:24:21.000 Yeah, I love edibles.

00:24:23.000 One drug only.

00:24:24.000 You know what I like?

00:24:26.000 I like a couple of pumps of the old THC spray.

00:24:29.000 That's good.

00:24:29.000 Just two pumps.

00:24:31.000 Everything's, the sky's brighter.

00:24:33.000 I love a post-show, like, low milk dosage.

00:24:36.000 I love that.

00:24:37.000 And then walk around afterwards on, like, a mild buzz.

00:24:40.000 Yeah, I like it.

00:24:41.000 You don't like to get high before you go on stage, huh?

00:24:43.000 I hate it.

00:24:45.000 How many times did I make you?

00:24:47.000 Too many.

00:24:48.000 And then he would be like, I'd be like, that was the worst experience of my life.

00:24:52.000 He was like, you did great!

00:24:53.000 You did do great, though.

00:24:54.000 That was the thing.

00:24:55.000 You were scared as fuck, but you killed.

00:24:57.000 The only thing that I've learned actually from other comics doing it all the time and saying, like I brought Jeff Tay with me and he gets high as fuck, is that he, after a while, that panic thing just dissipates and then he's in the pocket,

00:25:12.000 right?

00:25:12.000 Like in the zone high up there.

00:25:14.000 I can see that being fun, too.

00:25:17.000 But I don't know.

00:25:18.000 I prefer after show.

00:25:20.000 Yeah.

00:25:20.000 You know what's dangerous for me?

00:25:22.000 The first weekend after Sober October.

00:25:25.000 Because my body is clean.

00:25:27.000 Yeah, super clean.

00:25:28.000 And the fucking weed hits you so hard.

00:25:31.000 You're on stage going, okay, what am I even talking about?

00:25:34.000 Yeah.

00:25:35.000 It's going to wreck you again, November 1st.

00:25:38.000 I'm going to be in Europe for that.

00:25:40.000 Are you really?

00:25:41.000 Yeah.

00:25:41.000 Where are you going to be, in Denmark?

00:25:42.000 I'll be in London that day, and the next day I go to Dublin.

00:25:45.000 Oh, Dublin, they're going to get you fucked up.

00:25:47.000 Oh, you're going to get bombed.

00:25:48.000 Hey, come on!

00:25:49.000 Come on, Mr. Segura.

00:25:51.000 It's a fun way to get off.

00:25:53.000 We're doing it, though, right?

00:25:55.000 There's vodka on that table right there.

00:25:57.000 There's whiskey.

00:25:58.000 I'm not going to be one to ring the bell.

00:26:00.000 No, he's not going to do it.

00:26:02.000 Not everybody can be a SEAL. Yeah.

00:26:05.000 Ring the bell, Ari.

00:26:06.000 Just tap out.

00:26:08.000 Ari wants to ring the bell.

00:26:10.000 That's the thing.

00:26:11.000 So wait, why do you want to continue this?

00:26:13.000 What do you care?

00:26:14.000 Why do you care?

00:26:14.000 He likes to struggle.

00:26:16.000 The same reason why he went back to his phone.

00:26:17.000 He wants to see if he can handle the cell phone.

00:26:19.000 You know you can handle the month, right?

00:26:21.000 You can handle the cell phone, too.

00:26:22.000 Of sobriety.

00:26:23.000 I can handle it, but I won't enjoy it as much.

00:26:25.000 Going to Yankees games, and part of me kept thinking, like, oh, I won't drink, but maybe I'll just do an edible or something.

00:26:30.000 It's not the worst.

00:26:31.000 And then I'm like, oh, I can't even do that.

00:26:33.000 Hold your breath until you almost black out, and then catch your breath again, and then keep doing that through the whole game.

00:26:37.000 It'll make it interesting.

00:26:38.000 That'll make it real interesting.

00:26:39.000 Or just green light people, Molly and you.

00:26:42.000 And then it's like you didn't do it.

00:26:44.000 You don't want that shit, man.

00:26:45.000 That's right.

00:26:46.000 Green light people giving you acid.

00:26:47.000 It was so great.

00:26:48.000 You've absolutely...

00:26:50.000 Not that I'm a big drinker.

00:26:51.000 You have ruined me accepting a drink from anyone forever.

00:26:55.000 Oh, forever.

00:26:55.000 And people were coming up with drinks to me.

00:26:57.000 That's not great.

00:26:57.000 I would get scared leaving my drink around.

00:27:00.000 Yeah.

00:27:00.000 Like a girl.

00:27:01.000 Like a lot of girls.

00:27:02.000 Dude.

00:27:03.000 Yeah.

00:27:03.000 Yeah, a lot of girls, man, when they go to bars, they get scared taking a drink from a man, and they should.

00:27:08.000 Yeah, they should.

00:27:08.000 How many people do you know that have been drugged?

00:27:10.000 I know a couple.

00:27:11.000 Besides birth.

00:27:11.000 I know a couple.

00:27:12.000 I know a bunch of girls.

00:27:14.000 I know at least three or four girls that have said, something happened, I gotta get out of here, and they tell their friends, and then creepy guys like predators are moving close, like, hey, she's fine, she's fine.

00:27:25.000 There's the guy right there.

00:27:26.000 He was like, I knew the whiskey tasted weird.

00:27:30.000 Yeah, what did you do, a shot?

00:27:31.000 Was it in a shot?

00:27:32.000 It was in a shot, yeah.

00:27:33.000 And you tasted it, and you're like, that's fine.

00:27:34.000 I did taste it.

00:27:35.000 You know what's so funny?

00:27:36.000 I walked in, and Ari was, he looked like Dr. Jekyll.

00:27:39.000 Like he was doing something.

00:27:40.000 I go, what are you doing?

00:27:41.000 And he was like, I'm making a shot.

00:27:42.000 And I went, okay.

00:27:43.000 Just my back teeth.

00:27:45.000 He was like, two shots of scotch.

00:27:46.000 I have me getting mollied on my phone.

00:27:49.000 He put it on Instagram.

00:27:52.000 Him mollying me.

00:27:53.000 Jesus Christ.

00:27:54.000 I keep forgetting about it.

00:27:56.000 I know, you're a fucking psycho.

00:27:58.000 And then I try to put myself in the mind frame of how upset I would be.

00:28:03.000 Well, what would you have done if Bert had a stroke?

00:28:06.000 Okay, good question.

00:28:07.000 You've got to bury the footage.

00:28:09.000 You can't have that footage out.

00:28:10.000 First thing.

00:28:11.000 So yeah, you've got to get in his phone, you've got to get whatever's been recorded.

00:28:14.000 But how do you know what his password is?

00:28:15.000 You've got to figure it out.

00:28:16.000 You've got to stick it up to his face.

00:28:17.000 Get that face ID. Yeah.

00:28:19.000 I'll pull the eyes open.

00:28:20.000 Except half of it's going to be limp.

00:28:21.000 Wipe the foam coming out of his mouth.

00:28:23.000 His face is twitching and you're going to wipe the foam away.

00:28:25.000 Or he's trying to keep his face off.

00:28:28.000 Wake it up, man.

00:28:29.000 Yeah, wake it up.

00:28:30.000 I need your...

00:28:30.000 Oh, thank you.

00:28:32.000 Okay, delete, delete.

00:28:34.000 Yeah, get everything out of there.

00:28:35.000 Now, you'd feel terrible, man.

00:28:36.000 I'd feel terrible, yeah, yeah, for sure.

00:28:38.000 For sure.

00:28:39.000 I don't know why we're talking about that, though, because that never happened.

00:28:42.000 So let's stick in the now, which was you had a new appreciation of your family, your friends, your backyard.

00:28:48.000 But you do realize that last year was kind of like the idea of being sober, part of it was for you.

00:28:54.000 Last year or a year?

00:28:55.000 Two years ago.

00:28:56.000 Two years ago.

00:28:56.000 Well, two years ago was the weight loss thing.

00:28:58.000 No, that's when we started it.

00:29:00.000 Oh, that's right.

00:29:00.000 Two years ago was yoga.

00:29:01.000 Two years ago was a legit...

00:29:03.000 Two years ago was yoga.

00:29:04.000 Last year was fitness challenge.

00:29:05.000 The origin of this was like, Bert, can you not drink food?

00:29:07.000 Yeah.

00:29:07.000 Right?

00:29:08.000 But that was for you, though, right?

00:29:10.000 A hundred percent.

00:29:10.000 And by the way, I didn't think I'd be able to do it.

00:29:13.000 And I will say that at the time...

00:29:16.000 I was drinking so fucking much, and I was unaware of how much I was drinking.

00:29:21.000 And when you guys said that in here, it kind of woke me up, and I was like, fuck, I really am drinking Tito's by myself at night.

00:29:28.000 I just like to go to bed.

00:29:30.000 And it was a great way to cut my drinking, because you guys made it camaraderie-esque, and so I didn't feel like all eyes were on me, and I did it.

00:29:37.000 And it did change the way I drink.

00:29:39.000 It 100% changes the way I drink.

00:29:41.000 That hoop strap, when it shows you how much you sleep, it's really sobering because you can't lie.

00:29:47.000 You look at it, you go, oh, four hours and 30 minutes.

00:29:50.000 You know what I like is it sent me a notification that you should try to get this.

00:29:56.000 It was late and I'm watching TV and it's like, go to bed.

00:30:00.000 Where's mine?

00:30:01.000 I've got to put it on.

00:30:01.000 It's out there.

00:30:02.000 Go grab it.

00:30:02.000 It's by the pool table.

00:30:04.000 Yeah, set it up.

00:30:07.000 But yeah, and then last year was more about the competition.

00:30:12.000 Yes.

00:30:13.000 Sobriety was like a side thought.

00:30:15.000 Last year got crazy.

00:30:16.000 It's too intense to keep doing it.

00:30:18.000 We decided to not do that this year.

00:30:19.000 I can't.

00:30:20.000 Yeah, well...

00:30:21.000 It's just the competition was absorbing too much time.

00:30:26.000 Fuck!

00:30:26.000 It was hard.

00:30:27.000 It was a lot.

00:30:28.000 It was really hard.

00:30:29.000 It was so hard.

00:30:30.000 You need drive to make you work out, huh?

00:30:32.000 Well, that's one way of doing it, but I don't think that was...

00:30:35.000 Hey, hey, be careful.

00:30:36.000 Don't just stab yourself in the leg.

00:30:38.000 No, no, no.

00:30:38.000 Do it up here by the shirt.

00:30:39.000 Do it by your neck.

00:30:40.000 Hold on to your chin.

00:30:42.000 Hold on to your chin.

00:30:43.000 Take your wrists and make your wrists...

00:30:46.000 You can see Bert trying to be angry on the molly, but also going like, fuck, this is going to be a great podcast.

00:30:52.000 God damn it.

00:30:53.000 You can tell.

00:30:54.000 Yeah, I don't know what I'm going to do with the podcast.

00:30:55.000 Put it by your eye.

00:30:56.000 Have you gone back and listened to it?

00:30:59.000 It kind of made me upset.

00:31:01.000 Really?

00:31:01.000 Yeah, because I can see me panicking.

00:31:05.000 Like, I can see me going like...

00:31:07.000 All I said was...

00:31:08.000 Fuck, Ari, why would you do that?

00:31:10.000 Like, I'm on blood pressure medicine.

00:31:12.000 Like, we know a guy who had a stroke because he took Viagra.

00:31:15.000 Right.

00:31:16.000 And it counteracted with this thing, and now he can't use his left arm.

00:31:19.000 Right.

00:31:19.000 And so I'm just sitting there going...

00:31:21.000 One of my biggest fears when that doctor told me I needed to lose weight was, what if I just have a stroke and then I just can't work out and be active?

00:31:28.000 Like, what if that's taken away from me?

00:31:30.000 I can't throw the ball with the girls.

00:31:32.000 I can't go bike riding because the left side of my body doesn't work.

00:31:35.000 And I am, despite what anyone thinks, I am active and I like working out.

00:31:39.000 I like being outside.

00:31:40.000 I like running.

00:31:41.000 And that's what scared the shit out of me and that's why I started losing weight.

00:31:45.000 I gotta be honest with you, thank God I lost that weight.

00:31:49.000 And when he did that, because if he had done that when I was 258, that could have been...

00:31:52.000 You'd be done.

00:31:54.000 And I had gone to hot spin for a whole month and been really healthy for a whole month.

00:31:59.000 I was like, I literally, in the podcast, I go, okay, my EKG was fine.

00:32:06.000 I took baby aspirin today.

00:32:09.000 That's going to help.

00:32:09.000 I was like, okay.

00:32:10.000 And I was going through the checklist to try to calm myself down.

00:32:13.000 Really?

00:32:14.000 But, thank God I lost that weight because I don't know what would have happened if I hadn't lost that weight and he mollied me.

00:32:19.000 Yeah.

00:32:20.000 You want me to show you how to do that, Ari?

00:32:22.000 It's going to take you a second to figure out.

00:32:24.000 Yeah, it's a clip.

00:32:26.000 The other side of it.

00:32:28.000 Give it to Tom.

00:32:28.000 Yeah, Tom will get it.

00:32:29.000 Okay.

00:32:31.000 So, yeah.

00:32:31.000 Yeah, that's not cool, Ari.

00:32:32.000 Don't do that again.

00:32:33.000 Yeah, okay.

00:32:34.000 Alright, now we know.

00:32:36.000 But he was angry that you lost all this weight for the weight loss challenge, and then you got really healthy during Sober October, but then you got bigger than ever, and that shit.

00:32:51.000 What's the matter?

00:32:51.000 I said pop it open.

00:32:52.000 I couldn't pop it open.

00:32:53.000 I had a hard time popping it open, too.

00:32:55.000 I broke it when I popped it.

00:32:56.000 We'll do this after the podcast, Ari.

00:32:58.000 Yeah.

00:33:00.000 There you go.

00:33:01.000 There you go.

00:33:01.000 Oh, wow.

00:33:02.000 Jesus Christ.

00:33:04.000 Faggots.

00:33:05.000 Here.

00:33:06.000 Sorry.

00:33:07.000 Sorry if anybody identifies with that word.

00:33:14.000 There you go.

00:33:17.000 Close it like that.

00:33:19.000 So put your wrist through it.

00:33:20.000 Put it on your left wrist or right wrist over the top like a watch.

00:33:24.000 And then clamp it down.

00:33:26.000 There you go.

00:33:27.000 Now push that thing over the top.

00:33:29.000 Lock it in place.

00:33:30.000 Snap it.

00:33:31.000 Snap it down.

00:33:33.000 You had it the right way.

00:33:35.000 There it is.

00:33:38.000 This is a riveting podcast.

00:33:40.000 This is so bad.

00:33:40.000 Why aren't you guys still talking?

00:33:41.000 We're fine.

00:33:42.000 We're fine.

00:33:43.000 That's going to show you a lot.

00:33:45.000 I started wearing mine quite a long time ago.

00:33:49.000 I started wearing mine a couple of months ago.

00:33:51.000 So you guys all went out of Sober October.

00:33:54.000 Is that what I'm hearing?

00:33:54.000 For sure, it would be lovely.

00:33:56.000 You want out?

00:33:56.000 That's what you sound like.

00:33:58.000 That you're...

00:33:58.000 Look, I'm trying to get you guys to quit.

00:34:00.000 Sounds like you're about to ring the bell.

00:34:01.000 I could be sober for years.

00:34:04.000 I was thinking about going sober forever after October, actually.

00:34:07.000 Oh, really?

00:34:07.000 So you're thinking about that?

00:34:08.000 Well, up until the special, definitely.

00:34:10.000 Really?

00:34:11.000 Yeah.

00:34:11.000 When do you take your special?

00:34:12.000 November.

00:34:12.000 November 23rd.

00:34:13.000 Keep your shirt on forever, too.

00:34:14.000 How about that?

00:34:14.000 Nope.

00:34:15.000 Yeah, what about keep your shirt on, Charlie?

00:34:17.000 What if you get jacked?

00:34:18.000 What if you get in really good shape in your ribs?

00:34:20.000 Ooh, throw me in the briar patch.

00:34:21.000 What if you did?

00:34:23.000 So?

00:34:24.000 But if you're going to take your shirt off?

00:34:25.000 Yeah.

00:34:26.000 But it won't look good.

00:34:27.000 I don't give a shit.

00:34:28.000 But if you take your shirt off on stage and you have a six-pack, people are going to get angry with you.

00:34:32.000 They're not going to think it's funny.

00:34:33.000 Okay.

00:34:34.000 The reason why it's funny is because you're overweight and you're a party guy.

00:34:38.000 You take your shirt off and everybody's laughing.

00:34:40.000 No, I don't think...

00:34:41.000 I think I take my shirt off and I don't think people look at my body throughout the rest of my set.

00:34:45.000 I'm not making jokes like, look at these titties.

00:34:48.000 You know, I'm just up there doing stand-up.

00:34:50.000 Right, but they're looking at you.

00:34:52.000 Yeah, they're looking at me.

00:34:53.000 Yeah, I'm on stage.

00:34:54.000 That's part of the thing, is you take your shirt off.

00:34:56.000 Yeah, I like taking my shirt off.

00:34:58.000 I understand.

00:34:58.000 But if you got skinny, would you still take your shirt off?

00:35:02.000 That's what I'm saying.

00:35:02.000 Yeah, I like taking my shirt off.

00:35:04.000 Even if you had a six-pack.

00:35:05.000 No, if you had a six-pack, you couldn't do it.

00:35:07.000 Dude, I'll do whatever the fuck I want.

00:35:08.000 I don't know what he's talking about.

00:35:10.000 He's angry at you, and he's taking out on us.

00:35:12.000 Give me that thing again.

00:35:13.000 You don't know what the fuck you're doing.

00:35:14.000 I don't.

00:35:16.000 He's angry.

00:35:16.000 There's no way.

00:35:17.000 If you had a six-pack, you can't take your shirt off.

00:35:19.000 Well, you can.

00:35:20.000 If you have a great body.

00:35:21.000 Yeah, you can.

00:35:21.000 But first of all, is that really a thing we're worried about?

00:35:24.000 I can't believe we're really talking about this.

00:35:26.000 Like, Bert's getting to six-pack level?

00:35:28.000 Yeah, guys, it's not going to happen.

00:35:29.000 Why can't he do it?

00:35:31.000 Are you going to get a six-pack?

00:35:33.000 No.

00:35:34.000 Why not?

00:35:36.000 Because I've never had a six-pack in my entire life, even when I was in high school, so that's not a concern of mine of getting a six-pack.

00:35:42.000 Now's your big chance.

00:35:44.000 You're not going to do that.

00:35:45.000 But I think if you stick to this sobriety and working out, you're going to be sitting up on your own in no time, you know?

00:35:56.000 So, all right, should we, wait, so what are we going to do?

00:35:59.000 You had a six-pack last year.

00:36:01.000 For a little bit.

00:36:01.000 You did.

00:36:02.000 When I was mid-thrust, I would get one.

00:36:04.000 Mid-thrust.

00:36:06.000 Okay, it's on right now.

00:36:07.000 That's how it's going.

00:36:08.000 So put your wrist through that.

00:36:11.000 There you go.

00:36:13.000 I'll push that outside over the top and clamp it down.

00:36:17.000 So it doubles up over here?

00:36:18.000 Yep.

00:36:19.000 Like that.

00:36:20.000 Bam!

00:36:21.000 Now you gotta download the app, bruh.

00:36:24.000 Oh yeah, you got a fucking phone.

00:36:26.000 You can actually do it.

00:36:26.000 Yeah, I got a phone.

00:36:27.000 I got a real phone.

00:36:28.000 Dude, it's wonderful having access to Uber.

00:36:30.000 Yeah.

00:36:31.000 It's crazy.

00:36:33.000 Yeah, you can text people without getting a fucking hernia.

00:36:36.000 Yeah.

00:36:37.000 Yeah, I mean, Bert's still upset at you.

00:36:39.000 I'm not upset.

00:36:40.000 It's red in the face.

00:36:41.000 No, he's lost a memory of how great a time it was.

00:36:45.000 He's thinking about having a six-pack and whether or not he can take his shirt off.

00:36:48.000 If you got super jacked and ripped and look good on stage...

00:36:53.000 I would recommend you wearing a clown suit.

00:36:57.000 Yeah, if you're super ripped, no one wants to...

00:36:59.000 Yeah, you can't do that.

00:37:01.000 Well, you know who does that?

00:37:02.000 Jamar does that.

00:37:03.000 Who?

00:37:03.000 Jamar Neighbors.

00:37:04.000 Oh, really?

00:37:05.000 He's jacked.

00:37:06.000 He's super jacked.

00:37:07.000 Earl did roast paddles shirtless.

00:37:10.000 Yeah, that was really funny.

00:37:11.000 And he had a suit and a gold chain on.

00:37:14.000 He was ripped.

00:37:14.000 Jamar also eats on stage.

00:37:16.000 Does he?

00:37:17.000 He'll just go up with chicken or something and just be eating as he's talking.

00:37:21.000 Chappelle got jacked and was wearing tank tops.

00:37:23.000 I don't think it stopped anything.

00:37:27.000 It's even better.

00:37:27.000 Tank tops are a different animal than shirtless, though.

00:37:30.000 No, but he got yoked.

00:37:32.000 The whole thing back in the day was, if you have muscles, you can't be a comedian.

00:37:36.000 That was what Joe Biscobo got muscles, and everyone's like, oh, he's no longer funny.

00:37:40.000 And now you look, and almost all the comedians work out.

00:37:45.000 Yeah, when I was starting out, I used to wear big, baggy shirts.

00:37:48.000 You still do?

00:37:49.000 Yeah, but really baggy.

00:37:51.000 Ridiculously baggy.

00:37:52.000 Now I just wear things that are loose.

00:37:54.000 Yeah.

00:37:55.000 But you're trying to make it not a distraction, right?

00:37:57.000 Yeah.

00:37:58.000 I've worn tight things on stage before.

00:38:00.000 It's very distracting to me, even.

00:38:01.000 Yeah, that's the thing is if it's in your own head.

00:38:03.000 Yeah, it's my own head.

00:38:04.000 Yeah, if it wasn't in my own head, it wouldn't matter.

00:38:06.000 I'm sure people don't care.

00:38:07.000 It's like, that's half of the thing is whether or not you're comfortable on stage.

00:38:10.000 Totally.

00:38:11.000 If you're uncomfortable, it doesn't matter what you look like.

00:38:13.000 Yeah.

00:38:13.000 They could smell it.

00:38:13.000 But I think, like, ultimately, he's the most comfortable being, like, he's himself shirtless up there.

00:38:17.000 Shirtless?

00:38:18.000 Yeah, you don't even think about it, do you?

00:38:19.000 No.

00:38:19.000 After it's off?

00:38:20.000 No, he's not.

00:38:20.000 Yeah, I filmed him at the Comedy Store the last time we did a show together.

00:38:24.000 I couldn't get my phone out quick enough.

00:38:25.000 He had a shirt on before he even hit the mic.

00:38:27.000 Yeah, that's how he...

00:38:28.000 I like taking it off.

00:38:29.000 But you don't take it off in the OR. OR is different.

00:38:34.000 Short sets, you don't really do it.

00:38:35.000 Short sets, it's like...

00:38:36.000 15 minutes in the main room, you took it off.

00:38:38.000 Yeah, main room's different.

00:38:39.000 I feel like the main room, they've come and paid a ticket to see a show.

00:38:43.000 The OR is like, people coming in and out, no one knows who the fuck you are.

00:38:46.000 But the main room, it's like, there's some guys coming from Canada to see...

00:38:48.000 There's like a presentation vibe in the main room, too.

00:38:51.000 Presentation vibe.

00:38:52.000 You know what I mean?

00:38:52.000 It is almost like a theatrical feel to be on a show.

00:38:57.000 It's also like swimming with weights.

00:38:59.000 When I have my shirt on, I'm very uncomfortable.

00:39:02.000 And so I can find out what material is working better, easier.

00:39:07.000 Oh, okay.

00:39:07.000 That makes sense.

00:39:08.000 Do you remember the first time you did it?

00:39:09.000 Yep.

00:39:09.000 When was the first time?

00:39:11.000 It was in Columbus.

00:39:12.000 I ripped it off.

00:39:13.000 I used to rip it off.

00:39:14.000 I'd just get on stage, rip it off, and everyone would cheer, and then I'd just put it back on.

00:39:17.000 And one time in Columbus, I ripped it off, and I forgot about it.

00:39:21.000 We started talking about something, and then I was like, oh shit, I gotta put my shirt on.

00:39:23.000 And this woman goes, keep it off!

00:39:25.000 And I was like...

00:39:26.000 Dirty Ohio lady.

00:39:27.000 I did my whole hour.

00:39:28.000 It was probably like nine years ago.

00:39:29.000 I did my whole hour shirtless.

00:39:31.000 How long ago?

00:39:32.000 It was probably nine years ago.

00:39:33.000 That long ago?

00:39:34.000 Yeah.

00:39:34.000 It was before you were doing it all the time, though.

00:39:37.000 And then I started doing it on the road, and it was just, I don't know, it just made me really comfortable.

00:39:43.000 I sweat.

00:39:44.000 When I have a shirt, I'll sweat.

00:39:45.000 You can see sweat pits in it.

00:39:46.000 It's annoying.

00:39:47.000 And it doesn't happen when I take my shirt off, I don't sweat at all.

00:39:49.000 I see that with you a lot.

00:39:50.000 A lot of times when you're just standing still, you'll sweat a lot.

00:39:53.000 Sweats?

00:39:53.000 Yeah.

00:39:54.000 From the exertion?

00:39:55.000 Yeah.

00:39:56.000 Like, just talking and stuff.

00:39:58.000 R, you took your shirt off on stage.

00:39:59.000 You liked it.

00:40:00.000 I do like it.

00:40:01.000 I like having it off when I'm walking around.

00:40:03.000 You like being shirtless.

00:40:04.000 In the sun, for sure.

00:40:06.000 It feels great.

00:40:06.000 And it hits your skin all the time.

00:40:09.000 Maybe we'll do a benefit where we'll raise something when everyone will do shirtless stand-up.

00:40:13.000 And I'll wear a suit and I'll roast.

00:40:20.000 Wait, so what are we settling on for this month?

00:40:22.000 What are we doing?

00:40:23.000 Heroin.

00:40:23.000 Heroin?

00:40:24.000 Is that what we're doing?

00:40:25.000 Heroin.

00:40:26.000 Everybody, first time.

00:40:28.000 I'm in.

00:40:29.000 What are we doing?

00:40:32.000 Well, what we decided over the phone is, one addition is we have to read 500 pages.

00:40:39.000 And by read 500 pages, I think we mean read.

00:40:42.000 We don't mean audiobook.

00:40:43.000 Read.

00:40:44.000 But I thought we were just doing these classes.

00:40:46.000 No.

00:40:47.000 We're doing the reading, too.

00:40:48.000 That's great.

00:40:49.000 We should.

00:40:49.000 The reading, too.

00:40:51.000 Yeah.

00:40:51.000 We need to read more.

00:40:52.000 So, ten classes of something.

00:40:54.000 It can be hot yoga.

00:40:56.000 It can be jujitsu.

00:40:58.000 It can be spin, hot spin.

00:41:00.000 Some classes.

00:41:01.000 Some hip-hop dance.

00:41:03.000 Hip-hop dance.

00:41:04.000 By the way, how great would have hip-hop dance been now that you saw the video?

00:41:09.000 We should have done that.

00:41:11.000 That was a great video.

00:41:13.000 I knew what you were going to do.

00:41:14.000 You were going to take your clothes off.

00:41:15.000 That hip-hop dance video was great, though.

00:41:17.000 I also danced.

00:41:19.000 The dancing was okay.

00:41:20.000 It made me cry.

00:41:21.000 It was so good.

00:41:22.000 I'm so shocked that people thought the dancing was good.

00:41:25.000 I was so angry.

00:41:26.000 I got so upset.

00:41:28.000 Why were you upset?

00:41:28.000 That people complimented him.

00:41:30.000 It was great.

00:41:32.000 America's Got Talent reached out to me.

00:41:34.000 Jesus Christ.

00:41:35.000 Don't take anybody, bro.

00:41:37.000 Dago, do you consider yourself more of a comedian or a dancer?

00:41:41.000 I was like, do you not have a Google search engine on here?

00:41:44.000 They didn't want to bother with that.

00:41:45.000 They're monsters.

00:41:46.000 Would they reach out on Facebook?

00:41:48.000 They emailed me on my website.

00:41:50.000 They probably have a million hyenas out there rummaging the nation, trying to find people with any kind of talent so they can keep that monster alive.

00:41:57.000 Wait, the other thing is, didn't we agree that within these classes, they don't necessarily have to be...

00:42:04.000 A physical strain.

00:42:06.000 It's like a class of anything that's...

00:42:07.000 Some class.

00:42:08.000 That's new.

00:42:09.000 Better yourself.

00:42:10.000 Tom and I were talking about taking tactical gun lessons.

00:42:13.000 That'd be great.

00:42:14.000 But I'm saying, that's not a workout, but it's still like a class.

00:42:17.000 Fun class.

00:42:18.000 You'll be better off with it than without it.

00:42:19.000 Sword fighting.

00:42:20.000 This year, it's more about bettering ourselves.

00:42:23.000 One of the things that I think we agreed to, and your wife actually reached out to me about, apparently her and Leanne are going to get together and do a podcast with wives.

00:42:30.000 They're doing a podcast called So Over October.

00:42:32.000 So Over October.

00:42:33.000 For the month.

00:42:34.000 Yeah, because last year was insane.

00:42:36.000 Look, I gave your wife good ammunition for the first episode.

00:42:39.000 And the wives fucking hated her.

00:42:42.000 Yours too, right?

00:42:43.000 Well, she didn't like seeing that part of me either.

00:42:45.000 She didn't like it.

00:42:47.000 Mine too.

00:42:48.000 She was like, your body looks better, but fucking so boring.

00:42:51.000 You can do shit.

00:42:52.000 Leanne was livid when she found out that I got...

00:42:56.000 Roofied because of Sober October.

00:42:59.000 Yeah.

00:42:59.000 She was.

00:43:00.000 She was so.

00:43:01.000 She'll never speak to Ari again.

00:43:03.000 Justifiably.

00:43:03.000 What?

00:43:04.000 Me?

00:43:04.000 Yeah.

00:43:05.000 Me?

00:43:05.000 Yeah.

00:43:06.000 Ari.

00:43:06.000 You're the one.

00:43:07.000 She'll never speak to Ari again?

00:43:09.000 No.

00:43:09.000 Ari's never allowed in our house.

00:43:11.000 It's so bad.

00:43:12.000 And that's what was sucked is I had to take care of both of them.

00:43:15.000 Yeah.

00:43:16.000 Like I had to take care of Ari and take care of Leanne.

00:43:18.000 I think she's great.

00:43:19.000 Whoa.

00:43:20.000 She doesn't like you, bro.

00:43:21.000 I think she's great.

00:43:22.000 She's been a great mom to his kids.

00:43:25.000 That's cool.

00:43:25.000 I like how you look at things.

00:43:26.000 Fucking wonderful.

00:43:27.000 You see the bright side of things, even when people hate you.

00:43:30.000 She's awesome.

00:43:30.000 Always had your back.

00:43:31.000 I think she's great.

00:43:32.000 I think she's great.

00:43:33.000 And her temporary anger at me is not going to make me stop liking her so much.

00:43:37.000 Oh, wait, wait.

00:43:38.000 Before I forget.

00:43:39.000 So, within the ten classes, you can't do more than how many of one class?

00:43:44.000 Three, right?

00:43:45.000 Three, yeah.

00:43:45.000 So you can do one class three times.

00:43:47.000 So you could technically do three classes three times.

00:43:49.000 But why does that matter?

00:43:51.000 So you can mix it up a little bit.

00:43:52.000 So you don't just do one thing over and over again.

00:43:54.000 So you don't just do spin class every day and be done with it.

00:43:56.000 As long as you can do something.

00:43:58.000 I mean, but like if you're doing jujitsu, like say if you decide to do jujitsu and you learn it, there's nothing wrong with doing six of them.

00:44:04.000 Like that's how you get better.

00:44:06.000 Or because if you do decide to do it and you get into it, you're going to have to do more than one a week.

00:44:11.000 Too easy to do the same shit and not challenge yourself.

00:44:14.000 Says you.

00:44:15.000 Yeah.

00:44:15.000 Interesting how you're just making the rules up.

00:44:17.000 Well, it seems too easy to not challenge yourself.

00:44:19.000 What do you think about that?

00:44:19.000 Does that make sense to you?

00:44:20.000 Feels like it's against our will, kind of like he's slipping a drug to us, doesn't it?

00:44:26.000 A little bit.

00:44:26.000 A little bit like he's...

00:44:29.000 I think there should be one other element to it.

00:44:33.000 Because there's always been this physical element to the whole month, you should do something on your own that you don't talk about until it's over that you're doing to challenge yourself.

00:44:45.000 Like the Crucible on It Too.

00:44:49.000 Like, for instance...

00:44:50.000 Wait, I'm not following.

00:44:51.000 Like, for instance, you like to run the hills, right?

00:44:56.000 Yes.

00:44:56.000 So let's just say you go, I run it once a week.

00:44:59.000 I run it every Sunday or something.

00:45:01.000 Right.

00:45:01.000 So for the month, you challenge yourself on your own to do it twice a week.

00:45:06.000 And on November 1st, you're like, I took these classes, I read these books, and I ran my hills twice a week.

00:45:11.000 Or like, you know, you go, I want to do...

00:45:14.000 100 push-ups a day.

00:45:15.000 However you want to do it.

00:45:16.000 That way there's some other physical element of wellness throughout the month.

00:45:22.000 Something you challenge yourself to.

00:45:24.000 Yeah.

00:45:24.000 That I'm like, I think I can do this.

00:45:26.000 We're all coming back with a report card.

00:45:27.000 Basically, yeah.

00:45:28.000 Kind of like Lent, where you give up something that you decide.

00:45:31.000 That's right.

00:45:32.000 So you essentially have four things to do if you can only do three.

00:45:36.000 No more than three of each one.

00:45:38.000 So there has to be four individual things you're doing.

00:45:40.000 That's right.

00:45:41.000 Yeah.

00:45:43.000 Yeah.

00:45:44.000 Four things?

00:45:45.000 Four things total, right?

00:45:46.000 Because you could do yoga, you could do spin, you could do jujitsu, you could do kickboxing, you could do whatever.

00:45:53.000 Crossfit.

00:45:53.000 Yeah, Crossfit.

00:45:54.000 So you've got to do four separate things.

00:45:56.000 Tactical.

00:45:57.000 Tactical training.

00:45:57.000 I want to do that tactical gun training.

00:45:59.000 I have a gun and I haven't even put bullets in it.

00:46:01.000 What?

00:46:01.000 Really?

00:46:02.000 That's step one.

00:46:02.000 Don't say that now.

00:46:04.000 Say I'm a fucking awesome shot.

00:46:06.000 Do not attack me.

00:46:08.000 My address is...

00:46:13.000 Yeah.

00:46:14.000 Yeah, I like this.

00:46:15.000 I like the idea of mixing it up.

00:46:17.000 And I also like the idea that we're not going to go crazy.

00:46:19.000 This is like something...

00:46:20.000 See, the thing about last year is like...

00:46:22.000 I killed all of us.

00:46:24.000 Yeah, I mean, I had 1,100 points one day.

00:46:26.000 When you're doing 80% of your max heart rate for a minute, you get one point.

00:46:30.000 I had 1,100 points.

00:46:32.000 That was a nuts day.

00:46:33.000 You finish at 11,000.

00:46:35.000 It's that John Wick fucking bathhouse scene.

00:46:37.000 I watched that scene 50 times in a row and I just wanted to kill everybody.

00:46:41.000 I wouldn't stop.

00:46:43.000 No, no.

00:46:44.000 It's not good.

00:46:45.000 But I also felt like I was mentally and physically breaking down throughout the month.

00:46:49.000 Yeah, but I also was getting really into it.

00:46:51.000 Yeah, that's the thing.

00:46:53.000 It actually, you would feel the soreness, you would feel drained, but you would feel the cloud in your mind clear, right?

00:47:00.000 You and I talked about the chatter.

00:47:03.000 Yeah, gone.

00:47:04.000 Internal chatter, gone.

00:47:05.000 Stress is like...

00:47:06.000 Really?

00:47:07.000 Yeah.

00:47:07.000 I didn't have...

00:47:08.000 Nothing really bothered me.

00:47:09.000 Because you were working out.

00:47:10.000 Nothing bothered me.

00:47:11.000 Dude, working out like three hours some day back-to-back?

00:47:14.000 I remember saying to my wife, if you could get this in a pill, what this is, this feeling of not giving a fuck, like really not giving a fuck, because generally I don't give a fuck about things, but man.

00:47:24.000 When I'm doing cardio for five hours a day, you don't give a fuck.

00:47:28.000 You really don't give a fuck.

00:47:30.000 You don't.

00:47:30.000 You don't get bothered by things.

00:47:31.000 By anything.

00:47:32.000 And the stresses of life just really start to be...

00:47:35.000 I didn't lose any weight, though.

00:47:37.000 Yeah.

00:47:37.000 You don't have any weight to lose.

00:47:39.000 I thought I was going to get...

00:47:41.000 I am obese.

00:47:41.000 I thought I was going to get at least some weight loss because of it.

00:47:47.000 I didn't lose a fucking pound.

00:47:48.000 I lost a lot.

00:47:48.000 But what's your body fat?

00:47:50.000 It's got to be like, what, 7%?

00:47:51.000 It's probably around 10. Somewhere around 10-ish.

00:47:54.000 That's just cutting water.

00:47:57.000 I was drinking all the water, but I was eating everything, too.

00:48:01.000 But I think I might have even gained a pound or two.

00:48:04.000 I thought I was not going to.

00:48:06.000 Like...

00:48:07.000 I was watching what I ate as the month started, and then when I saw how competitive it was going, and how crazy it started to be six and seven days of working out, it was anything in sight.

00:48:20.000 And I was never full.

00:48:22.000 Never.

00:48:22.000 I was eating boxes of cookies.

00:48:24.000 Really?

00:48:25.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:48:25.000 In between workouts.

00:48:26.000 Oh yeah, just kept eating.

00:48:28.000 I ate a giant box of vanilla wafers.

00:48:30.000 Ate the whole box.

00:48:31.000 Just shoved them down my fat hole.

00:48:33.000 Drank soda, like regular soda, which I never drink.

00:48:37.000 I always drink Diet Coke.

00:48:38.000 My November was bad because I was eating like that but still working out and then I just kept eating like that.

00:48:43.000 And he stopped working out.

00:48:44.000 That's what happened to me.

00:48:45.000 Yeah, you got shredded for a while, dude.

00:48:47.000 Did you miss that body?

00:48:48.000 Yeah, I loved that body for a little bit.

00:48:50.000 Not worth the time.

00:48:51.000 You had the nice little V? You had the dick root show on?

00:48:54.000 They told me they're like, every time somebody blows out, because remember, they had the point thing at my gym.

00:48:58.000 They're like, every time everyone, like, the next month, there's such a dip.

00:49:02.000 And they're like, and then you broke that record.

00:49:05.000 For the highest total and then the biggest dip ever.

00:49:09.000 I was like, nah, fuck this.

00:49:11.000 I was so over it in November, dude.

00:49:14.000 How long did you guys keep using the MyZone thing?

00:49:16.000 I put it on once just to see what it was.

00:49:20.000 And it fucking brought back anxiety.

00:49:23.000 It makes you anxious.

00:49:25.000 I used it for a while, and then I would not use it, and then I would take it again.

00:49:28.000 And then recently, I lost it, and they were like, oh, you know, find it.

00:49:32.000 I go, I don't want to find it.

00:49:33.000 Yeah.

00:49:33.000 Like, I don't want to.

00:49:34.000 And then I did find it, and I was like, I'm not putting it on.

00:49:37.000 I found mine when I moved, and it was like, don't touch it.

00:49:39.000 You touch it.

00:49:40.000 Throw it away.

00:49:41.000 It's like the thing they found, the exorcist, when they brought it back home.

00:49:44.000 This is more of a report, though.

00:49:45.000 Yes.

00:49:45.000 You know, it's different.

00:49:46.000 This has given you heart rate variability.

00:49:48.000 Analysis.

00:49:48.000 It's also telling you how much you've recovered, which I think is very important.

00:49:51.000 Yeah.

00:49:52.000 It's telling you, like, if you do a hard workout and the next day you feel like shit, it's letting you know, hey, your body's not recovered.

00:49:57.000 Like, it's actually giving you accurate data.

00:49:59.000 Because you wear it all the time.

00:50:01.000 Wait, do you know how to read the thing?

00:50:04.000 I don't understand the thing.

00:50:05.000 You go to the website.

00:50:06.000 Go to the website to explain everything.

00:50:07.000 But it's pretty simple.

00:50:08.000 It's pretty straightforward.

00:50:09.000 Last night I slept five hours and 42 minutes.

00:50:11.000 The sleep part is big.

00:50:13.000 Only sleeping five out of an eight hour sleep?

00:50:15.000 No.

00:50:15.000 Yeah, it really wakes you up, man.

00:50:17.000 I don't know what I did last night.

00:50:18.000 I slept so great last night.

00:50:19.000 I think I got like six hours last night.

00:50:21.000 But the thing about it is, like, it's undeniable.

00:50:24.000 This is not like guesswork.

00:50:26.000 So you're 6.8 hours sleep last night.

00:50:29.000 Does it tell you what you get when you have sex?

00:50:31.000 Is it like a spike?

00:50:32.000 Well, the way I fuck, bro, it thinks I'm working out.

00:50:35.000 You know what I'm saying?

00:50:37.000 Hey, what was your activity, Joe?

00:50:39.000 Did you work out today?

00:50:40.000 No, today I have not.

00:50:41.000 I'm working out after this.

00:50:42.000 Do you have a past activity day or a day strain?

00:50:46.000 Under the strain, coach.

00:50:48.000 Ooh, I'm 74% recovered.

00:50:51.000 Oh, well that's good.

00:50:52.000 There you go.

00:50:53.000 Yeah, I got six hours and 39 minutes of sleep, which is pretty decent.

00:50:58.000 That's pretty good.

00:50:59.000 I never sleep like I struggle with sleep, you know?

00:51:02.000 Yeah.

00:51:02.000 And last night, I got eight and a half hours.

00:51:04.000 Oh, dude, that's great.

00:51:05.000 Which is unbelievable.

00:51:06.000 Yeah, if you can do...

00:51:07.000 I had a guy, Dr. Matthew Walker, who really changed my opinion of sleep.

00:51:10.000 That was the sleep guy?

00:51:12.000 That was fascinating.

00:51:12.000 Oh, I love that guy.

00:51:13.000 Ooh.

00:51:14.000 What I love is it was fascinating from the jump.

00:51:16.000 He started right away with facts.

00:51:18.000 He's excellent.

00:51:19.000 And he's a really great speaker, too.

00:51:21.000 He's a professor here, isn't he?

00:51:22.000 In LA, too, right?

00:51:24.000 I don't think he's LA. Where's Dr. Matthew Walker, a professor at?

00:51:29.000 Originally from Australia, his wonderful hair.

00:51:31.000 In the first five minutes, the importance, the way he breaks down how important it is, it just hooks you.

00:51:44.000 It's basically the most important thing ever.

00:51:47.000 The most important thing.

00:51:48.000 And as far as people who regularly get four hours or less, how many of them get Alzheimer's?

00:51:55.000 It's over the fucking roof.

00:51:58.000 Really?

00:51:59.000 Yeah, oh my god, through the roof, whatever.

00:52:01.000 The charts, it's off the charts.

00:52:02.000 The numbers of people that get Alzheimer's that also have very low sleep.

00:52:07.000 There's a definite correlation.

00:52:09.000 It's bad.

00:52:10.000 Bert, come on, bro.

00:52:12.000 We're going to get you healthy this month.

00:52:13.000 I'm going to sleep more.

00:52:14.000 Yeah.

00:52:15.000 Sleep more.

00:52:15.000 Well, that is one thing that that strap will let you know, because it'll hold you accountable.

00:52:19.000 When you look at the app and it says, hey, you slept for four hours last night, fuckface, you're going to go, oh, Jesus.

00:52:26.000 Yours really knows you.

00:52:29.000 Do you know how my brain talks to me, I guess?

00:52:32.000 Do you take sleep aids?

00:52:33.000 Because that's also bad.

00:52:35.000 I mess with all kinds of stuff.

00:52:37.000 Do you?

00:52:38.000 Not all the time.

00:52:39.000 Just on a rotation.

00:52:40.000 Last night it was nothing.

00:52:43.000 I've done CBD oil.

00:52:44.000 I've done...

00:52:45.000 CBD and melatonin.

00:52:47.000 I like the melatonin.

00:52:48.000 That's all natural, right?

00:52:49.000 Yeah, melatonin is very natural.

00:52:51.000 I've done that.

00:52:52.000 That helps.

00:52:53.000 Ambien?

00:52:54.000 I've done that.

00:52:55.000 I don't like Ambien.

00:52:56.000 I don't like it.

00:52:57.000 I've done Xanax.

00:52:58.000 That's what did Roseanne Barr in.

00:52:59.000 Really?

00:53:00.000 Ambien.

00:53:01.000 Ambien and weed.

00:53:02.000 Yeah.

00:53:02.000 Booze, weed, and ambient mixed together.

00:53:05.000 You don't know what the fuck you're saying.

00:53:07.000 You're sitting there, yeah.

00:53:07.000 Yeah.

00:53:08.000 That's a really wild...

00:53:11.000 I think it's a disassociative.

00:53:12.000 Is it...

00:53:13.000 Whatever it is.

00:53:14.000 You start spewing bird talks.

00:53:15.000 Xanax is...

00:53:16.000 Bird talk.

00:53:20.000 Guys, you have no idea how I have to deal with this.

00:53:23.000 My bus driver's black and some guy comes up and he goes, dude, I love your racism.

00:53:27.000 And my bus driver's like, what the fuck?

00:53:29.000 Oh my god.

00:53:30.000 It's your fans.

00:53:31.000 You gotta get better fans.

00:53:33.000 They're not my fans.

00:53:34.000 I've lost my fans.

00:53:35.000 I've lost a lot of fans.

00:53:37.000 What?

00:53:37.000 Are you serious?

00:53:38.000 From what?

00:53:39.000 Because I post anything with a black person in it on Instagram.

00:53:44.000 Oh, yeah.

00:53:44.000 And they start typing the N-word.

00:53:46.000 Oh, my God.

00:53:47.000 Yeah, fucking Tom's fans.

00:53:49.000 And then new people find me through Netflix, and then they're like, I don't want to even be a part of this.

00:53:54.000 Wow.

00:53:54.000 So it sucks.

00:53:55.000 And you think this is because of your mom's house?

00:53:58.000 It's because of...

00:53:59.000 I don't know.

00:53:59.000 It's because of a bunch of different things.

00:54:01.000 But regardless, the joke that I'm the most racist comedian in the world, it's a joke.

00:54:04.000 I get it.

00:54:05.000 Top ten.

00:54:05.000 By the way, there's nothing you can do about it.

00:54:07.000 You can't stop it.

00:54:08.000 Yeah.

00:54:08.000 Once the internet decides something, it happens.

00:54:10.000 But it just stinks.

00:54:11.000 I block them.

00:54:12.000 I block a lot of people.

00:54:13.000 Who say that stuff?

00:54:14.000 Yeah, because I'm like...

00:54:15.000 There was...

00:54:16.000 They make some memes that are really fucking disgusting.

00:54:19.000 It's like those 4chan type people.

00:54:21.000 Right.

00:54:21.000 And you just are like...

00:54:22.000 And people don't know.

00:54:24.000 I have fans that don't know about you guys.

00:54:27.000 Right.

00:54:27.000 That just find me from Netflix and don't know about our friendship.

00:54:30.000 I have a hard time believing that.

00:54:32.000 No, for sure.

00:54:33.000 I went on Burt and I were in Madison at the same time.

00:54:37.000 And I was like, it'd be funny.

00:54:38.000 His show started before mine.

00:54:40.000 And I was like, I'll just go with a broom and sweep up and see who goes nuts.

00:54:43.000 And like 12 people were like, oh, hey.

00:54:46.000 Hey.

00:54:47.000 No one else is like, I guess they're sweeping.

00:54:49.000 I don't know.

00:54:49.000 When I was telling the Molly story on stage, I said to my buddy Ari Shafir, it's like 12 people going, oh, I love Ari!

00:54:59.000 Netflix is such a broad place.

00:55:01.000 You put out a special on Netflix, and you can't...

00:55:04.000 I can say Joe Rogan.

00:55:05.000 I have a joke you heard the other night.

00:55:07.000 It's about you.

00:55:08.000 And I say Joe Rogan, and everyone will lose their mind because you are fucking global.

00:55:13.000 But you get specifics like...

00:55:15.000 I mean, I think my fans know Tom.

00:55:17.000 I think we share a lot of fans.

00:55:19.000 But I think that's because of our podcast, too.

00:55:22.000 But yeah, it's like the people won't know Ari, which is bizarre to me.

00:55:24.000 Because I assumed everyone found me through this.

00:55:27.000 Oh, you're slipping.

00:55:28.000 You need a smartphone.

00:55:29.000 You need more active on social media.

00:55:32.000 You've got to live your life.

00:55:33.000 Are you still super anti-social media?

00:55:37.000 I'm trying it now this month.

00:55:38.000 I'm trying it for the month.

00:55:40.000 You're going to post?

00:55:41.000 You're going to actually post?

00:55:41.000 Yeah, just a lot of the thinking of like, oh, just you're in a moment with people and you're thinking like, what can I do?

00:55:47.000 How can I post stuff?

00:55:48.000 You know one of the good things about Twitter?

00:55:50.000 What?

00:55:51.000 You can post pictures of your hog.

00:55:53.000 Right.

00:55:53.000 Yeah, you can.

00:55:54.000 Twitter's got porn on it.

00:55:56.000 They don't care.

00:55:56.000 Yeah.

00:55:57.000 Which is kind of crazy.

00:55:58.000 It is kind of crazy.

00:55:59.000 Especially because they end up being like, this person wrote something not nice.

00:56:03.000 Right.

00:56:04.000 And you can show your hog and your asshole.

00:56:08.000 There's videos, I'll be scrolling through my feed and I see a video of someone taking it in the ass.

00:56:12.000 Wow.

00:56:12.000 I'm like, alrighty.

00:56:14.000 But if you dead name someone, it's over!

00:56:16.000 They ban you for life.

00:56:18.000 If you call Caitlyn Jenner Bruce, you're done.

00:56:20.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:56:21.000 Forever.

00:56:21.000 Did you see the rose?

00:56:21.000 How many times she congratulated herself for being brave?

00:56:24.000 Fuck off.

00:56:26.000 She congratulated herself?

00:56:27.000 Twice in jokes.

00:56:28.000 Like in jokes.

00:56:28.000 I think it goes to show you, trans people out there, that if I can do this, you can do anything.

00:56:34.000 Do what?

00:56:35.000 Like come out of the closet in Wyoming and not get...

00:56:37.000 No, you can't.

00:56:38.000 Get loved.

00:56:38.000 Yeah.

00:56:39.000 What are you talking about?

00:56:40.000 And get a massive amount of praise.

00:56:41.000 Everybody forgets what a dummy she was.

00:56:43.000 Yeah.

00:56:44.000 She's a dumb dude.

00:56:45.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:56:46.000 Dumb dude becomes a celebrated woman.

00:56:48.000 It's amazing.

00:56:49.000 It's a great hook.

00:56:50.000 Yeah, I mean, it's...

00:56:51.000 It's a good hook.

00:56:52.000 Like, when they interview her, that's when you realize, like, oh, wait a minute.

00:56:56.000 Like, you're not very...

00:56:58.000 You're a moron.

00:56:58.000 Yeah.

00:56:59.000 This is not...

00:57:00.000 Oh, yeah.

00:57:01.000 Yeah, you're just famous.

00:57:02.000 Yeah.

00:57:02.000 You know, that's it.

00:57:03.000 But the things that they say...

00:57:05.000 That's why it's such a thing.

00:57:05.000 There's no depth to any of it.

00:57:07.000 And then everybody conveniently forgot that she just plowed into some lady and forced her into traffic and killed her.

00:57:12.000 Yeah.

00:57:13.000 Wasn't paying attention behind the wheel.

00:57:15.000 What happened with that?

00:57:15.000 This girl swept away.

00:57:16.000 I don't know how that got swept away.

00:57:18.000 I don't know how it got swept away with the whole being brave because she's trans.

00:57:23.000 It's amazing.

00:57:24.000 You can tweet something a little racist like Roseanne Barr and they ruin your career, but you can kill someone.

00:57:29.000 Everyone's like, whatever.

00:57:30.000 Yeah.

00:57:31.000 She's having a bad day, man.

00:57:33.000 She was also a Trump supporter.

00:57:34.000 That's where it's compounded.

00:57:37.000 And the racist...

00:57:38.000 By the way, what she tweeted was not racist.

00:57:40.000 That lady looks like the lady from the Planet of the Apes.

00:57:43.000 And she did not know that that lady was African-American.

00:57:47.000 But she's a very small percentage African.

00:57:49.000 She looks very white.

00:57:51.000 She looks Jewish.

00:57:51.000 She looks like an old Jewish lady.

00:57:51.000 Which is exactly what Roseanne said.

00:57:54.000 Well, have you ever seen the images of her side by side?

00:57:58.000 Dude, it's like saying you don't look like a gay bear.

00:58:01.000 You know you look like a gay bear.

00:58:02.000 There's so many guys who are gay who are bears with like nipple straps and fucking, they look just like you.

00:58:08.000 You put them right next to you.

00:58:09.000 That's not a bad thing.

00:58:11.000 Yeah.

00:58:12.000 You look like a hot sexy gay bear.

00:58:14.000 Power bear.

00:58:16.000 A muscle bear.

00:58:17.000 I'm a muscle bear.

00:58:18.000 You're a top bear.

00:58:19.000 Whoa.

00:58:19.000 I guess if you're a bear, you have to be a real brave bear to take it in the butt, right?

00:58:24.000 Yeah.

00:58:25.000 Because that's not your thing.

00:58:26.000 Do you get hit on?

00:58:27.000 Do you get feet up in the air?

00:58:30.000 If you're a bear with your feet up in the air and your asshole spread out and just pulling it apart, that's a brave bear.

00:58:35.000 That's One of my favorite type of message to get is to make you feel like what a woman must feel like all the time is a message where a guy's like, saw your special, hilarious, love what you're doing, love yourself, can't wait to see you on tour, and you're pretty cute.

00:58:48.000 And you're like, okay, all right.

00:58:49.000 That's nothing.

00:58:50.000 I just get a small taste of it.

00:58:52.000 Yeah, that's like, you know.

00:58:53.000 Has Whitney ever shown you her fucking DMs?

00:58:55.000 Oh, no.

00:58:56.000 Oh, Jesus.

00:58:57.000 It's all dicks.

00:58:58.000 All dicks?

00:58:59.000 Dicks and guys who want to jerk off on her feet.

00:59:00.000 They want her to jerk them off with her feet.

00:59:04.000 There's something about real creeps all around her feet.

00:59:07.000 I did love feet.

00:59:09.000 I'm into feet pretty hardcore.

00:59:12.000 Me too, man.

00:59:13.000 There you go.

00:59:15.000 A couple of creeps.

00:59:17.000 I've been sending wedding messages for years.

00:59:20.000 Did you see that lady?

00:59:22.000 She's a fitness influencer and she just got arrested.

00:59:25.000 She's going to do five years in jail.

00:59:26.000 She had 269 different or 369 different Instagram accounts that she was using to harass people and threaten them and say she's going to cut them up.

00:59:38.000 What?

00:59:39.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:59:39.000 This one crazy bitch.

00:59:41.000 Who is she?

00:59:41.000 Some crazy bitch from...

00:59:43.000 Like a popular...

00:59:44.000 Yes, of course she's from Florida.

00:59:47.000 It's our town.

00:59:48.000 So she also staged a fake kidnapping of her 12-year-old daughter.

00:59:55.000 Jesus.

00:59:55.000 Yeah, she's a real piece of shit.

00:59:57.000 Does she have a big following?

00:59:58.000 How many tickets do you think that would sell?

01:00:00.000 I don't know.

01:00:02.000 I got a 12-year-old.

01:00:03.000 I don't know what kind of a following she has, but 369 fake accounts just to fuck with people.

01:00:11.000 And that's the fucking vibe online.

01:00:13.000 That's my favorite, by the way.

01:00:15.000 It's not harassment, but there's been some celebrities that have been caught creating accounts to defend themselves in conversations.

01:00:24.000 I knew a celebrity.

01:00:25.000 It's happened in sports, too, you know?

01:00:26.000 I knew a celebrity that did that.

01:00:28.000 I think, like, Durant did that and was like, he called out.

01:00:30.000 He got caught.

01:00:31.000 He's like, from his own account.

01:00:32.000 Hey, guys, is Durant doing really good lately?

01:00:34.000 He's tweeting it.

01:00:35.000 What do you know, Bert?

01:00:36.000 What do you know, Bert?

01:00:37.000 I had a friend who was a celebrity and was very vocal on Twitter, going at people, but they had a couple burner accounts where they'd light people up and Fucking get into it with other people in there.

01:00:49.000 When I heard of that, I went, that is such sociopathic behavior.

01:00:53.000 Sick.

01:00:53.000 I would never have thought of doing that.

01:00:55.000 Right.

01:00:55.000 I was just like, what?

01:00:57.000 It was so beyond me that that would happen.

01:00:59.000 Well, it is a sickness, right?

01:01:01.000 Because you're trying to pretend there's other people that are supporting you.

01:01:06.000 That's a sickness.

01:01:07.000 It's so fucking lame.

01:01:09.000 So sick.

01:01:11.000 Just give us a name that their name rhymes with.

01:01:14.000 No.

01:01:17.000 Can you describe them?

01:01:19.000 Is it Ray Moore?

01:01:21.000 No.

01:01:23.000 You have no names for me?

01:01:25.000 I have no names.

01:01:26.000 After the podcast.

01:01:27.000 After the podcast, I'll definitely tell you.

01:01:29.000 If this was nine years ago, we would have said it on the air.

01:01:31.000 Is it Barry?

01:01:31.000 Is it Barry Dienfeld?

01:01:34.000 Barry Dienfeld.

01:01:35.000 If we had that bucket of ice, you could ring that bell and we could just get this over with.

01:01:39.000 Chuck Schumer?

01:01:41.000 Yeah.

01:01:43.000 That's not how it works.

01:01:44.000 You're going to slide it.

01:01:44.000 That, by the way, that is the greatest technological advance I've ever seen.

01:01:51.000 Because one of the things I hate is taking my watch off.

01:01:53.000 And the fact that the battery goes on the watch and charges it in 90 minutes for 5 days is a fucking game changer.

01:02:00.000 It's great.

01:02:01.000 It's great.

01:02:02.000 The thing to me that means the best, or means the most, is the sleep.

01:02:07.000 That it monitors your sleep.

01:02:09.000 It shows you deep sleep.

01:02:10.000 Let's see who can...

01:02:12.000 That's how we win the belt.

01:02:15.000 Who sleeps the most this month?

01:02:16.000 Who sleeps the most?

01:02:16.000 I'm in with that.

01:02:17.000 That sounds like a good fun challenge.

01:02:19.000 Who sleeps the most here?

01:02:21.000 Who sleeps the most here out of all of us?

01:02:24.000 Probably me.

01:02:24.000 Probably Ari.

01:02:25.000 He's got nothing.

01:02:26.000 Not me.

01:02:27.000 What's a good night for you, Ari?

01:02:30.000 If I can get eight, I'm good.

01:02:32.000 But I'll sleep until, sometimes I'll sleep by ten, I'll be like, meh, and I'll just go back to sleep.

01:02:36.000 Nice.

01:02:37.000 Well, he doesn't have kids.

01:02:38.000 He doesn't have...

01:02:38.000 Yeah, that's nice.

01:02:40.000 And he's got money.

01:02:42.000 Yeah, I don't have to go anywhere to earn anything.

01:02:44.000 It comes way later.

01:02:46.000 It's a nice life.

01:02:46.000 What's that like?

01:02:47.000 Having no responsibilities in life.

01:02:49.000 You're one of my favorite people that has taken success and really done it in a great way.

01:02:55.000 You really bought freedom.

01:02:57.000 Whereas a lot of people buy a lot of shit.

01:02:59.000 You don't even own a fucking car.

01:03:00.000 Yeah, no reason in New York.

01:03:02.000 So what?

01:03:03.000 I'd have five cars to live in New York.

01:03:05.000 That's such a pain to have.

01:03:06.000 You wouldn't have a car there?

01:03:08.000 Nah.

01:03:09.000 If you've got to drive somewhere, you get a zip car.

01:03:10.000 Neither of you have ever lived in New York.

01:03:12.000 You two homo should get a tent.

01:03:15.000 A tent?

01:03:15.000 I lived in New Rochelle.

01:03:17.000 And I lived in New Rochelle because I couldn't afford...

01:03:19.000 But that's not Manhattan.

01:03:20.000 No, but I couldn't afford to live in Manhattan because I couldn't afford a parking spot.

01:03:23.000 Because I did road gigs.

01:03:24.000 Oh, you had to have a...

01:03:25.000 Oh, yeah.

01:03:25.000 I was a road warrior, man.

01:03:27.000 All my gigs were on the road.

01:03:29.000 I didn't have any gigs.

01:03:29.000 Driving from there?

01:03:30.000 Yeah.

01:03:31.000 One time I picked up a tail at the Laugh Factory, and I was like, I'm going to the store if you want to ride.

01:03:34.000 I was parked right across the street.

01:03:35.000 He goes, yeah, all right.

01:03:37.000 And I was like, hold on, let me move some stuff.

01:03:38.000 And there was so much fucking shit in my car.

01:03:40.000 And he was like, road car, huh?

01:03:41.000 And I'm like, no.

01:03:43.000 I'm just super messy.

01:03:44.000 I'm just the grossest guy you know.

01:03:46.000 You know when I started living that way?

01:03:48.000 When I was thinking of moving to New York, and Tom was like, fuck, I wish I could move to New York.

01:03:51.000 Yeah.

01:03:52.000 And I was like, why don't you?

01:03:53.000 He's like, I got a wife.

01:03:54.000 I don't know.

01:03:54.000 I can't just move.

01:03:55.000 Yeah, you can just move.

01:03:56.000 Yeah, and then from then on, I was like, I should do shit to make my married friends jealous.

01:04:02.000 I should live in a way that I'm like, fuck!

01:04:04.000 Otherwise you're not even doing anything.

01:04:06.000 No, you do do a lot of cool shit.

01:04:08.000 I'll give you that.

01:04:09.000 You do a lot of cool shit.

01:04:10.000 Yeah, you're like Chelsea Handler.

01:04:14.000 I agree.

01:04:15.000 You're an activist.

01:04:16.000 I'm an activist first.

01:04:18.000 And you also believe women are smarter.

01:04:20.000 They're smarter and better.

01:04:22.000 I bet you two would get along so fucking good.

01:04:24.000 You should marry her.

01:04:26.000 We would drink well together.

01:04:27.000 I bet.

01:04:29.000 Hard.

01:04:29.000 Yeah.

01:04:30.000 I've always gotten along with her.

01:04:31.000 I don't deal with her very much.

01:04:33.000 What?

01:04:33.000 I think she's hot.

01:04:35.000 Was that before or after Molly?

01:04:38.000 Both.

01:04:38.000 Listen, I'm sorry I dose you.

01:04:39.000 I won't ever dose you again.

01:04:41.000 It's once and done for me.

01:04:42.000 For anybody?

01:04:43.000 Are we going to dose other people?

01:04:44.000 No.

01:04:45.000 He's definitely dosing you.

01:04:45.000 I never thought about it before that.

01:04:46.000 Me?

01:04:47.000 He said he's like, I'm most definitely going to dose you.

01:04:49.000 I would have if we were doing this podcast yesterday, before October started, then for sure.

01:04:53.000 Yeah.

01:04:55.000 Interesting.

01:04:55.000 Probably just acid, though.

01:04:57.000 Do you think there would be a different backlash, though?

01:05:00.000 You could just ask me and I would do it with you.

01:05:01.000 Yeah, that's the thing, too.

01:05:02.000 You could have asked me and then I would have said, hey, Ari, now's a bad time, but I would like to do that with you.

01:05:06.000 We'll do it later.

01:05:07.000 Let me talk to my cardiologist first.

01:05:09.000 Yeah, we'll do it later.

01:05:09.000 We'll go camping.

01:05:10.000 We should do acid on November or whatever it is when we come back in.

01:05:13.000 Yeah.

01:05:13.000 We're not going to be able to do a return podcast.

01:05:16.000 Didn't we do mushrooms?

01:05:16.000 Yeah, we did mushrooms together in one of the last podcasts.

01:05:19.000 We did a little bit.

01:05:19.000 Yeah, we did do mushrooms.

01:05:21.000 When Tom's in Europe, it's like the 15th.

01:05:24.000 When do you get back from Europe?

01:05:24.000 I get back.

01:05:25.000 I'm there.

01:05:25.000 Oh, I leave the 14th.

01:05:27.000 Fuck.

01:05:27.000 I'm not back in LA till the 18th.

01:05:28.000 Damn.

01:05:29.000 When do you come back?

01:05:30.000 The 10th, 11th, 12th, 13th, right before I go to Chicago.

01:05:33.000 10th, 11th, 12th of November?

01:05:36.000 Yeah.

01:05:37.000 Huh.

01:05:38.000 What are we going to do?

01:05:39.000 We have to have a wrap-up show.

01:05:42.000 I mean, I would do it.

01:05:44.000 So 10 classes, 500 pages of reading.

01:05:46.000 Pages.

01:05:47.000 You have to read.

01:05:47.000 Of whatever book.

01:05:48.000 Oh, any book, right?

01:05:49.000 Any book you want to read?

01:05:50.000 Any book.

01:05:51.000 Fiction, non-fiction.

01:05:52.000 Yeah, and tell us what you're reading, and then if we're looking for a book, we can read that one, too.

01:05:58.000 What are you guys going to start in on?

01:06:00.000 There's a book about the beginning of 4chan and 2chan.

01:06:04.000 There's a 2chan?

01:06:05.000 There's a lot of racism in that book, I bet.

01:06:08.000 Yeah.

01:06:08.000 A lot.

01:06:09.000 A lot.

01:06:10.000 I bet there's...

01:06:11.000 All those things.

01:06:11.000 Yeah.

01:06:13.000 By the way, I still never found a contact at Children's Hospital to give that money to.

01:06:18.000 I've had like 10 grand sitting in an account for somebody.

01:06:19.000 Do you realize how unfun this podcast can be for me?

01:06:22.000 Do you realize that this is like, it's the fucking...

01:06:25.000 So touchy, we're a comic, come on.

01:06:27.000 Take your shirt off, maybe you'll feel better.

01:06:29.000 Here, take a shot.

01:06:31.000 There's a whole library of books out there, too, if you guys want to...

01:06:33.000 So many people bring books.

01:06:35.000 Oh, really?

01:06:35.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:06:36.000 I don't know.

01:06:36.000 I'll peruse.

01:06:37.000 There's probably 150 books out there.

01:06:39.000 I think I want to try some...

01:06:40.000 Probably more, right?

01:06:40.000 From what?

01:06:41.000 Classic literature.

01:06:42.000 I feel kind of like...

01:06:43.000 Well, like Steinbeck kind of stuff?

01:06:44.000 Yeah, just stuff that I'm like, you know, I haven't read any of that.

01:06:47.000 I'm going to jump into something.

01:06:49.000 I don't know.

01:06:51.000 Yeah.

01:06:51.000 Yeah, that's a good point.

01:06:53.000 Well, I definitely want to read The Madness of the Crowds, the new Douglas Murray book.

01:06:58.000 It's supposed to be excellent.

01:06:59.000 It's all about outrage.

01:07:02.000 That's cool?

01:07:03.000 Yeah.

01:07:04.000 Douglas Murray's been on my podcast before.

01:07:06.000 He was one of the first guys that I ever had on that was immediately demonetized.

01:07:11.000 Oh, really?

01:07:12.000 Yeah, and he did a podcast with...

01:07:15.000 With Sam Harris and someone put it on their playlist on their channel and they got cited for community standards.

01:07:25.000 Because you made a playlist with that one in there?

01:07:26.000 Yeah, and so I asked this lady at YouTube, and she goes, it's hate speech.

01:07:29.000 I go, it's hate speech.

01:07:31.000 I go, the fact that you just said that, you're talking about two public intellectuals.

01:07:35.000 One of them's a neuroscientist, the other one's a gay man from Europe who is a public intellectual, and you just said it's hate speech.

01:07:42.000 It's because he's written about the negative aspects of immigration into Europe.

01:07:50.000 And he wrote a book called The Strange Death of Europe.

01:07:53.000 Is that what it's called?

01:07:55.000 Islam and the slow death or strange death of Europe.

01:07:58.000 So they demonetized him.

01:08:00.000 But not just that.

01:08:01.000 They cited this person for community standards.

01:08:04.000 And then the woman at YouTube that I was speaking to at a fucking party.

01:08:08.000 I was just at a party with a friend of mine who used to be a big executive at Google just happened to be there.

01:08:13.000 She brought me to this party and this lady just happened to be there that worked at YouTube.

01:08:16.000 And I asked her about it and she just...

01:08:19.000 Flippantly said, it's hate speech.

01:08:21.000 I'm going to go, you don't know.

01:08:22.000 Well, you didn't listen to that podcast.

01:08:23.000 The fact that you just say, I know that if it was...

01:08:26.000 It's the end all of any conversation.

01:08:28.000 You just say that and it's done talking.

01:08:29.000 And that's what she said.

01:08:30.000 And she was trying to do that when she was talking to me and I wasn't letting her go.

01:08:33.000 And my wife was squeezing my leg.

01:08:35.000 It was a super uncomfortable conversation.

01:08:37.000 But it makes you realize how arrogant some of these people are that are in these positions of power that are in control of social media.

01:08:43.000 And now they're getting a lot of blowback, so they've softened up their tone.

01:08:46.000 But they're still, like, Steven Crowder just had some piece that he did about how much there's shadow banning with his YouTube account.

01:08:54.000 Like, he's one of those guys, prove me wrong.

01:08:57.000 Like, Hitler, you know, Hitler was really smart, prove me wrong.

01:09:02.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:09:03.000 You know, he takes, like, there's only two genders, prove me wrong.

01:09:07.000 And he'll sit down with people at this table and have these conversations and film them.

01:09:11.000 And, you know, most of the people are not prepared or informed.

01:09:14.000 Emotional.

01:09:14.000 And emotional.

01:09:15.000 And he stays calm and that gets him even more freaked out.

01:09:18.000 But it's kind of interesting.

01:09:19.000 It's entertaining content.

01:09:19.000 So anyway, someone was looking for one of those.

01:09:22.000 So they Googled Stephen Crowder, proved me wrong.

01:09:25.000 They couldn't find anything in the first 70 fucking videos that were recommended by YouTube.

01:09:33.000 That's literally his video.

01:09:35.000 Steven Crowder proved me wrong.

01:09:36.000 I got a message that I'm shadow banned on Instagram.

01:09:39.000 They're like, type in your name and you won't come up.

01:09:41.000 I think more than ever that Instagram just has a really shitty search engine.

01:09:45.000 Oh, okay.

01:09:46.000 No, I talked to an Instagram star about this.

01:09:58.000 Wait a minute.

01:10:03.000 How does this fucking person who's an Instagram influencer know this?

01:10:08.000 That's all they do for their life.

01:10:10.000 But they don't know that.

01:10:11.000 But they're not inside the inner workings of the company and talk to the people that write the algorithms.

01:10:16.000 I bet they don't.

01:10:16.000 I didn't vet it.

01:10:18.000 I just was having a conversation.

01:10:19.000 The more that I look into this, the more I think they have a really shitty search engine.

01:10:24.000 But it's also possible that someone is preventing certain people from getting found.

01:10:29.000 Like Andrew Schultz was the first person to point it out.

01:10:32.000 And if you just type in Andrew Schultz and try to find his name, all you can find is all these other accounts.

01:10:38.000 Why is he demonetized?

01:10:39.000 Because he says a lot of crazy shit.

01:10:41.000 Oh, okay.

01:10:42.000 Because he's a comic.

01:10:43.000 Yeah.

01:10:43.000 If you're a comic and you say crazy shit and someone decides it's offensive and they say, hey, we're going to put Tom Segura on this shadow ban list.

01:10:50.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:10:50.000 Well, that's crazy.

01:10:52.000 Well, dude, it's real.

01:10:53.000 It's just their opinion.

01:10:54.000 I mean, shadow banning is real.

01:10:55.000 There's all Project Veritas is this guy, James O'Keefe, that's done this undercover investigation and had people talk to Twitter people and Instagram people.

01:11:04.000 And the people that work there, when they're at a bar, when they're out, they were explaining to some girl how you shadow ban someone, how you stop conservative voices.

01:11:13.000 So I had my Patreon, it was like shadowban right away, and I was like, that's pretty quick.

01:11:17.000 And I emailed them in a calm manner, and I was like, hey, what's going on?

01:11:20.000 I don't show up in search engines.

01:11:22.000 And she goes, let me look.

01:11:23.000 And she goes, all right, well, I see it.

01:11:24.000 You've been flagged as having pornography.

01:11:26.000 I'm looking.

01:11:27.000 You know, you just started one.

01:11:28.000 There's almost nothing on there.

01:11:29.000 It's for sure wrong.

01:11:30.000 So I'll take that flag off, and now you show up.

01:11:33.000 So I'm wondering if some of it's just like a bureaucratic, like, that just labels you.

01:11:37.000 Or an asshole fan.

01:11:39.000 Right, because a lot of them just say, uh, flag.

01:11:41.000 Can target you, right?

01:11:42.000 They can target you.

01:11:43.000 And there's no way to say, hey, this was wrong, can you take that off me?

01:11:46.000 Hey, Ari, you know, spikes people's drinks, he's that kind of guy.

01:11:49.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:11:50.000 Yeah, it's...

01:11:53.000 What's weird about it is it's so ideologically one-sided.

01:11:58.000 Everyone on the left is kind of free to post whatever the fuck they want, and people on the right...

01:12:03.000 It's interesting, for sure, because even if you're not conservative, you should want some type of balance to exist.

01:12:11.000 That's the whole idea.

01:12:12.000 The justification of it is...

01:12:14.000 The justification is all that Trump's a terrible president and that the election was terribly, you know, infuriating.

01:12:20.000 And there was a Google executive that was talking about it recently.

01:12:23.000 There was this really weird interview where they were talking about how deeply upset everyone was at the results of the election.

01:12:29.000 I'm sure.

01:12:30.000 And that they've decided to take steps to try to prevent their platform from being used for a similar result in the future.

01:12:38.000 This is a crazy time right now.

01:12:39.000 Fucking crazy.

01:12:40.000 Right now, this week is nuts, man.

01:12:42.000 Yeah.

01:12:42.000 This past few days?

01:12:43.000 Yeah, what do you think about all this impeachment shit and the Ukraine shit?

01:12:46.000 I mean, the funny thing is it's almost like a perfect highlight of everybody being who they are, you know?

01:12:54.000 Like him going like, it's a perfect phone call.

01:12:57.000 It's like such a Trump line.

01:12:58.000 And then he's definitely, you know, talking to another president about, like he's denying what he did.

01:13:06.000 But then, you know, there's people who obviously stand saying it's not, you know, the conversation was about investigations.

01:13:13.000 But, you know, he's always been somebody, you gotta, I think, separate him from politics.

01:13:18.000 This is a guy who's new to politics, essentially, right?

01:13:21.000 He's always been a guy who bent, like, he's a rule breaker.

01:13:26.000 He doesn't, you know, he's always been someone who's like, that shit doesn't apply to me.

01:13:31.000 Make it happen.

01:13:31.000 And I think that, you know, I don't know how far it's going to go, but I think the door is open now to, like, they're really going to investigate that call.

01:13:42.000 Then there was a report that maybe the Australian PM call had a similar thing where he asked him to get involved, and we haven't seen the readout of that.

01:13:52.000 So, I don't know.

01:13:53.000 I mean...

01:13:53.000 I don't know.

01:13:54.000 It seems like they went from one, we want to impeach for something, like, right away to another one, and it just makes me think, like...

01:13:59.000 I don't even know about these.

01:14:00.000 Yeah, it's hard to get like, I think in the normal sense, like if we had gone through a more stable last couple of years as far as news and stuff, this would be groundbreaking holy shit.

01:14:13.000 But in the scope of what the last few years have been like, it still feels like some other crazy inquiry.

01:14:19.000 I'm sure you're not telling me the whole story.

01:14:21.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:14:21.000 I don't know.

01:14:22.000 Yeah.

01:14:23.000 Who knows?

01:14:24.000 They're saying they're opening the investigation into it, but we don't know what really that's going to mean.

01:14:30.000 If they do impeach him, man, things could get really ugly.

01:14:33.000 Things could get crazy here.

01:14:34.000 With the supporters.

01:14:35.000 Fuck yeah.

01:14:36.000 If you just took their guy out, if you just took their guy and just said, we voted him in fair and square, and you guys just removed him, no way.

01:14:43.000 Did you see what he put on his Instagram today?

01:14:45.000 What?

01:14:46.000 He tried to impeach this.

01:14:47.000 And he put a picture of his dick?

01:14:49.000 No.

01:14:50.000 He showed a picture of the entire country that's mostly red states and a couple of blue, which was the result of the election.

01:14:57.000 That was Trump's post?

01:14:58.000 Yep.

01:14:59.000 Yeah.

01:14:59.000 What do you think of the call?

01:15:03.000 I didn't really listen to it.

01:15:04.000 Did you listen to it or did you look at the transcript?

01:15:06.000 No, I read the transcript.

01:15:07.000 I didn't even read the transcript.

01:15:09.000 I'm going to wait until it gets real.

01:15:10.000 I like to look at these things like, okay, I'll look into this soon.

01:15:14.000 Okay.

01:15:14.000 Because a lot of it feels sensationalized, right?

01:15:17.000 Well, I remember Justin Martindale telling me that Stormy Daniels was going to take him down.

01:15:21.000 This is it.

01:15:22.000 She's Harmonic Lewinsky.

01:15:23.000 They want it so bad.

01:15:24.000 Yeah.

01:15:24.000 They want that.

01:15:25.000 Nothing.

01:15:26.000 Like a duck to water.

01:15:27.000 Just water off his back.

01:15:29.000 Shook it off.

01:15:29.000 Yeah.

01:15:30.000 Kept moving.

01:15:30.000 But he also, I think he loves this shit, you know?

01:15:33.000 I think he actually loves...

01:15:34.000 He will complain about witch hunt shit, but I think he actually...

01:15:37.000 He likes being talked about.

01:15:38.000 It's a game.

01:15:38.000 It's a game for him, you know?

01:15:39.000 I think he enjoys it.

01:15:40.000 Yeah, but the game is try to put a real stink on him where when 2020 comes around, he can't win.

01:15:47.000 Right.

01:15:47.000 That's the game.

01:15:48.000 But stinks don't stick to him.

01:15:50.000 He'll win the next election.

01:15:52.000 He'll win the next election.

01:15:54.000 You think so?

01:15:55.000 I don't think the Democrats have come up with someone that's...

01:15:59.000 They need someone like, no joke, but like The Rock.

01:16:02.000 Someone to be excited about.

01:16:04.000 It's just...

01:16:05.000 The Rock could win, 100%.

01:16:07.000 Even if he would be a terrible president, and I think he probably would be...

01:16:11.000 He seems like a really smart guy.

01:16:13.000 Might actually be good if he dedicated himself to it.

01:16:16.000 Based on what?

01:16:17.000 Talking to him.

01:16:18.000 Oh, you know The Rock?

01:16:19.000 Yeah.

01:16:19.000 Oh, shut up!

01:16:20.000 I was like, based on his movies?

01:16:21.000 Well, not just that.

01:16:22.000 I mean, I've talked to him briefly, but reading his stuff that he posts and listened to his little Instagram videos, he's a considerate, interesting, introspective guy.

01:16:31.000 Just works hard, busts his ass, but he's very nice.

01:16:34.000 He's a good guy.

01:16:36.000 I mean, I don't know if that's enough to be president, but I don't think anybody should be president.

01:16:40.000 I really don't.

01:16:41.000 But once we're down to a popularity contest, at least I think he would be a fair and equitable person.

01:16:46.000 It might just go straight to popularity contest so no more politicians can win.

01:16:49.000 Well, they wouldn't win if we all...

01:16:53.000 Well, Kanye, if someone really decided, someone really famous, not just Trump, but someone else decided, like especially a famous comic, decided to run for president, he would be fucked.

01:17:05.000 Because he's so easy to make fun of, and all those fucking dolts don't know how to do it.

01:17:09.000 And so he shits on them, and all the people that never had...

01:17:14.000 The thing about him is, he's the first asshole president, openly an asshole.

01:17:19.000 And there's so many guys out there that are assholes that want to support another asshole.

01:17:22.000 They're like, finally, one of us!

01:17:26.000 I remember there's a scene where Ted Cruz was giving some speech and there was a guy with sunglasses on who was telling him, quit, you're never going to win, you're never going to win, Trump's going to be president.

01:17:35.000 And he's in his face and Ted Cruz is trying to talk to him in his bullshit politician way.

01:17:39.000 But this guy's like, fuck you!

01:17:41.000 Because he's an asshole.

01:17:44.000 Yeah, exactly.

01:17:44.000 And he wants to be able to do that to Ted Cruz.

01:17:46.000 And Ted Cruz didn't know what the fuck to do.

01:17:48.000 And I was like, oh, he didn't know how to handle this.

01:17:51.000 He's never been heckled.

01:17:52.000 Right, right.

01:17:52.000 Whereas Trump is like, fuck you, right back to your face.

01:17:56.000 I think if Oprah ran, I think she'd win.

01:17:59.000 I think if someone...

01:18:01.000 That's what we've entered into.

01:18:02.000 We're like, now we don't want anyone with any expertise.

01:18:04.000 Yeah.

01:18:04.000 We just want popular...

01:18:05.000 Well, I mean, if someone like Obama ran, he would fucking win.

01:18:08.000 But you have to...

01:18:09.000 He's a unicorn.

01:18:11.000 Like, someone who's that articulate and charismatic.

01:18:13.000 You get, like, a Bill Clinton.

01:18:15.000 You get, like, a, you know, Obama.

01:18:17.000 Those are rare people that are that good at talking and also have a good record and also, you know, know how to fucking rile a crowd up.

01:18:26.000 There's not a lot of those.

01:18:27.000 Joe Biden certainly isn't one of them.

01:18:29.000 That guy's walking dead.

01:18:31.000 And he also notably has slipped...

01:18:34.000 Every time he talks, you can see that it's taking him a while to put together.

01:18:38.000 You know what I mean?

01:18:38.000 Like when an older guy takes a minute to put something together, you can see it.

01:18:41.000 Dude, he's old as fuck, and he's not healthy, and he looks tired.

01:18:44.000 Yeah, he doesn't look good.

01:18:44.000 He's always tired.

01:18:46.000 You can't be tired and run for president.

01:18:48.000 And then you got that Pete Buttigiegieg guy.

01:18:51.000 That guy can't even run his own fucking city.

01:18:53.000 They're all pissed at him.

01:18:55.000 It's the people in his own city.

01:18:56.000 There was a cop murdered somebody, and everybody was going crazy.

01:19:00.000 I'm like, what are you doing?

01:19:01.000 You're not even here.

01:19:02.000 You're out there running for president.

01:19:03.000 Yeah.

01:19:04.000 Look, all your fucking time should be running your goddamn city, and instead, you're on TV every day doing these debates.

01:19:11.000 You're not paying attention to the fucking city.

01:19:13.000 There's no way you can.

01:19:14.000 It's one of the rare jobs.

01:19:16.000 It's fucking all-encompassing.

01:19:19.000 Yeah, if you run, you should have someone else run your position.

01:19:21.000 But it's one of the rare jobs where it requires so much energy to pursue, and yet people pursue it while they have other jobs that they're being paid for with Taxpayer dollars.

01:19:32.000 Yeah, you should give up being a senator.

01:19:33.000 You should get an interim leader while you're running for president.

01:19:36.000 100%.

01:19:36.000 And maybe you should have to fucking earn it back.

01:19:38.000 Like, who knows?

01:19:39.000 Maybe the new senator is better and maybe he doesn't want to be president.

01:19:42.000 Maybe they're not with this.

01:19:42.000 That polling changes all the time, but isn't like the top three still?

01:19:46.000 It's a mix of Biden, Warren, Sanders, right?

01:19:49.000 It's always like those three.

01:19:50.000 Yep, those are the three that everybody wants to win.

01:19:52.000 I'm always fascinated by that person who, like at this point, six months in or something, and they're at.01, they're like, we're doing another fundraising campaign tonight.

01:20:01.000 You're not winning, dude.

01:20:03.000 I wish I had a little bit of that in my personality.

01:20:05.000 Where I was like, I can still do it.

01:20:07.000 Wait a minute, you do have that.

01:20:09.000 That's why you thought you were going to win Sober October last year.

01:20:11.000 Yeah, that's true, though.

01:20:12.000 You were saying you were going to win.

01:20:14.000 But I feel like there's a trigger for you.

01:20:17.000 That's the thing.

01:20:18.000 If somebody goes, you're definitely not going to win, then you go, I'm going to fuck you.

01:20:22.000 But I said that all month.

01:20:23.000 I had fun with that.

01:20:26.000 I thought it was fun.

01:20:28.000 I didn't think that when you started throwing up numbers, I was like, there's no way.

01:20:32.000 I'm catching Joe, but I'm still making videos going, Joe, I'll double whatever you do.

01:20:36.000 And I just thought it was fun.

01:20:38.000 It was fun.

01:20:39.000 It for sure was fun.

01:20:40.000 I didn't think it was fun.

01:20:41.000 I know you didn't.

01:20:43.000 It was horrible, but it was still fun.

01:20:44.000 It was definitely fun.

01:20:46.000 It was fun when you see your place change in the ratings.

01:20:49.000 I didn't think you would do anything.

01:20:51.000 How do we decide?

01:20:52.000 Are we going to get a champ this year?

01:20:54.000 I thought Ari was going to be a real problem because I know Ari.

01:20:58.000 Really?

01:20:58.000 Ari's psychotically competitive.

01:21:00.000 But only when I challenged it.

01:21:02.000 I got to have entered in.

01:21:04.000 I guess I did.

01:21:05.000 That's a good question, though.

01:21:06.000 Is there a way to win or lose this year?

01:21:08.000 It kind of feels like there's not really.

01:21:10.000 It doesn't seem like there is.

01:21:11.000 No.

01:21:11.000 The problem with a way to win or lose is it's going to become a competition again and everyone's going to go fucking crazy.

01:21:17.000 Yeah.

01:21:17.000 And we're going to spend too much time doing it.

01:21:19.000 That's the real problem.

01:21:20.000 The real problem is time constraints.

01:21:22.000 Like, the funnest year for me...

01:21:24.000 Well, last year was fun, but it was too crazy.

01:21:26.000 But the year before that was the yoga thing was easy.

01:21:29.000 In terms of it was hard to do.

01:21:31.000 You put time in.

01:21:32.000 That was a good time.

01:21:33.000 It was fun.

01:21:34.000 I thought yoga was the best one we've done because...

01:21:36.000 We all did it together.

01:21:37.000 Tom and I went to almost every class together.

01:21:39.000 That's nice.

01:21:40.000 We all went together.

01:21:41.000 It was fun.

01:21:41.000 Yeah, when we all showed up in Encino and pulled into that place, we were all laughing.

01:21:45.000 We had a good time.

01:21:46.000 Tom had a Lamborghini.

01:21:47.000 I got a Lambo that year.

01:21:48.000 It was a good year, man.

01:21:49.000 That's right, you guys.

01:21:51.000 The jealousy on Bert's face.

01:21:52.000 There's no jealousy.

01:21:54.000 It was me going, what the fuck happened to my friend?

01:21:57.000 Why can't I get a Lambo?

01:21:59.000 I pulled away and I heard you go like, who are you?

01:22:05.000 I was like, what happened to you?

01:22:10.000 Yeah, that was fun.

01:22:11.000 That was a lot of fun.

01:22:12.000 That was a good time.

01:22:13.000 That was a good time.

01:22:14.000 So these classes will be something.

01:22:15.000 Yeah.

01:22:16.000 Yeah, that'll be fun.

01:22:16.000 If we're still doing this.

01:22:17.000 Yeah.

01:22:18.000 Well, you think you're not.

01:22:19.000 Would you rather not?

01:22:21.000 What do you want to do?

01:22:21.000 I'd bring that bell, dude.

01:22:23.000 Let's just get fucking drunk as fuck this October.

01:22:25.000 I can call Jeff in with a bucket of ice.

01:22:27.000 I mean, we're in a...

01:22:28.000 You know what we could do?

01:22:29.000 We could get super fucked up and then still have to do these challenges.

01:22:33.000 Yeah, we could do that.

01:22:34.000 No one's beaten me there.

01:22:35.000 Go to the tactical.

01:22:36.000 We could do that.

01:22:40.000 You gotta do classes drunk.

01:22:43.000 Well, I wouldn't do that, but I've done jujitsu high many, many, many times.

01:22:47.000 Oh, yeah.

01:22:47.000 It's great high.

01:22:48.000 Everything's so slow.

01:22:49.000 Is it good?

01:22:50.000 It slows it down for you?

01:22:51.000 You can tell what's happening.

01:22:52.000 You have a feel for things.

01:22:54.000 Sort of like pool.

01:22:55.000 You're better at pool when you're high, too.

01:22:57.000 Things that we have a feel for things.

01:22:59.000 Do you get high to do arena shows now?

01:23:00.000 Sure.

01:23:01.000 You do?

01:23:02.000 Just a toke?

01:23:03.000 Nope.

01:23:04.000 Oh, you get ripped?

01:23:04.000 Blast off!

01:23:05.000 Really?

01:23:05.000 Yep.

01:23:06.000 And you go up there and fucking ripped?

01:23:07.000 Yeah, ripped.

01:23:08.000 No shit.

01:23:09.000 I get excited.

01:23:10.000 It's a big year you say that.

01:23:11.000 Yeah, with Chappelle, for sure.

01:23:13.000 That was the biggest show I've ever done.

01:23:14.000 He gets high as fuck.

01:23:15.000 We got blasted.

01:23:16.000 How many people in those rooms?

01:23:18.000 25,000.

01:23:19.000 Wow, and you got high as fuck.

01:23:20.000 High as fuck.

01:23:21.000 We broke the attendance record for the Tacoma Dome.

01:23:24.000 We're both lit.

01:23:26.000 The next day, what's crazy about him is he really goes rockstar style.

01:23:31.000 We fly in a private jet, we land, and you get in a tour bus.

01:23:35.000 Not a limo.

01:23:36.000 Tour bus.

01:23:37.000 And he's on the phone with John Mayer.

01:23:38.000 They're talking about the benefits of the tour bus versus a limo.

01:23:41.000 A car service picking your luck.

01:23:42.000 Versus a car service.

01:23:43.000 So the tour bus takes you to the hotel.

01:23:45.000 Ten minute drive.

01:23:46.000 Tour bus.

01:23:47.000 And then once we get there, then we go into Dave's room and he's got all the fucking IVs set up.

01:23:52.000 They got a doctor there, or nurses there, that are administering IVs to us.

01:23:57.000 They're giving you glutathione, which helps you process the alcohol.

01:24:03.000 See what I found and made you discover?

01:24:04.000 I did.

01:24:05.000 I had an IV. B12 shot in the butt.

01:24:07.000 I had an IV, people come right up to my tour bus, right before my show in KC. So I was like fucking shaking.

01:24:13.000 And they gave it to me and I felt amazing.

01:24:15.000 And then I was like, and then I started getting jumpy.

01:24:19.000 Too good.

01:24:19.000 A little too excited.

01:24:20.000 A little too good and I was like, oh fuck.

01:24:21.000 The yellow?

01:24:22.000 Yeah, really reinvigorates you, man.

01:24:24.000 Vitamin drip.

01:24:25.000 Vitamin drip IV. Not Molly.

01:24:28.000 I got sick and tried to do it.

01:24:29.000 The thing is, if you're already sick, it's too late.

01:24:32.000 Really?

01:24:32.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:24:32.000 If you're sick, if you're like starting to feel like, oh man, I might be sick tomorrow.

01:24:38.000 I think you have a chance.

01:24:38.000 Then you get the drip.

01:24:39.000 But the B12 shot, even when I was sick, gave me a nice boost for the night.

01:24:44.000 Gives you a little boost, yeah.

01:24:44.000 I got it like three hours before the show.

01:24:46.000 You know, it's hard to get that without the shot.

01:24:48.000 You know, if you take the, there's a liposomal B12 that you can take, that you put under your tongue and shit.

01:24:54.000 It's okay.

01:24:55.000 It's pretty good.

01:24:56.000 It's not as good.

01:24:57.000 Not the shot.

01:24:58.000 Yeah.

01:24:58.000 The shot's the way to go.

01:24:59.000 Yeah, the shot's the way to go.

01:25:00.000 The real way to go is to make sure you always have heavy nutrient levels in your body, always.

01:25:05.000 Always take multivitamins.

01:25:06.000 Always, you know, make sure you get a balanced diet.

01:25:09.000 Then you can party a little more and you got a little more leeway.

01:25:12.000 You can bounce back easier.

01:25:13.000 It's the people that eat like shit and then they don't, you know.

01:25:17.000 Do you have diarrhea?

01:25:19.000 We did a podcast for this.

01:25:21.000 We drank a lot of water.

01:25:22.000 And booze.

01:25:23.000 What?

01:25:25.000 I can't believe he dosed you.

01:25:27.000 Are you still pissed about it?

01:25:28.000 I'm not pissed.

01:25:30.000 It triggers things in my head.

01:25:33.000 And it bums me out that it's a close friend.

01:25:37.000 Because it's like a lack of trust.

01:25:39.000 What's weird is how laughy he is about it.

01:25:42.000 I think part of that, though, is because he knows, dude.

01:25:45.000 I think he knows he fucked up.

01:25:47.000 I think when I told him, I said, hey man, what if this counteracts with my medicine?

01:25:50.000 He was like, I didn't think about that.

01:25:52.000 And I was like...

01:25:54.000 Oh.

01:25:54.000 Yeah.

01:25:55.000 Yeah.

01:25:55.000 I think he knows.

01:25:56.000 I think he knows.

01:25:57.000 What kind of shit do you want?

01:25:59.000 Lusartan and amelinapine.

01:26:01.000 And this is all from...

01:26:02.000 I almost got taken off it.

01:26:04.000 Yeah?

01:26:04.000 In this last...

01:26:05.000 I went back to the doctor and he's like, your blood pressure is perfect.

01:26:08.000 Yeah?

01:26:09.000 And he was like, you know, the goal is to get you to a healthy weight and get you off your blood pressure.

01:26:13.000 Is there a target weight or no?

01:26:15.000 I'd like to be 205. What did you do when you got down to the challenge?

01:26:21.000 215. 215 was the lightest I got after the weight challenge.

01:26:24.000 But that was dehydrated, right?

01:26:26.000 That was dehydrated.

01:26:26.000 No, no, no.

01:26:27.000 215 was...

01:26:28.000 When we did the weight loss challenge, I kept losing weight and I got down to 215. Oh, after?

01:26:32.000 Yeah.

01:26:32.000 And so, if I could get down to 215 at the end of this one, I would love to do 205. I think I'm still not going to be in shape.

01:26:41.000 At 205, I'm still almost obese.

01:26:43.000 But no, that's middle middleweight.

01:26:45.000 What was your obese?

01:26:46.000 224 before?

01:26:48.000 How tall are you?

01:26:49.000 6'1".

01:26:50.000 6'1".

01:26:50.000 205 is pretty lean, dude.

01:26:53.000 Wow.

01:26:53.000 Yeah, I would like that.

01:26:54.000 Yeah.

01:26:54.000 You can get there.

01:26:55.000 Yeah.

01:26:55.000 I think this month I'll be interested to see how much weight I lose because I'm already on a weight loss.

01:27:02.000 280?

01:27:02.000 Nope.

01:27:02.000 305?

01:27:03.000 Nope.

01:27:04.000 You're 412?

01:27:05.000 Nope.

01:27:05.000 How much do you wear?

01:27:05.000 Can you wear yourself on regular scales?

01:27:08.000 237?

01:27:09.000 Yeah.

01:27:09.000 Come on, man.

01:27:10.000 If I bust out a scale right now, it says 237?

01:27:12.000 Really?

01:27:12.000 Yeah.

01:27:13.000 Probably not.

01:27:13.000 No, because it's later in the day.

01:27:15.000 I haven't weighed myself since I got back off the tour.

01:27:17.000 Since grade 6. But yeah, I'd like to get down.

01:27:21.000 How much are you weighing?

01:27:24.000 233. Really?

01:27:26.000 Yeah.

01:27:27.000 How often do you tour?

01:27:29.000 Every fucking week.

01:27:32.000 Didn't you make some wacky deal where you kind of have to be on the road constantly?

01:27:35.000 Nope.

01:27:36.000 I made a deal, but I don't have to do whatever I don't want to do.

01:27:38.000 Dude, his tour bus is amazing.

01:27:41.000 Amazing.

01:27:41.000 It's so nice on there.

01:27:44.000 It's great.

01:27:45.000 Oh my god.

01:27:46.000 And so when you go on tour, you essentially just take that bus from town to town?

01:27:51.000 It's awesome.

01:27:53.000 And that's how you do it from now on.

01:27:54.000 Yeah, it's great.

01:27:55.000 Because I was talking to Sturgill and his band yesterday, they were in here, and he was saying that he would rather be on a bus for three days than go to an airport.

01:28:04.000 I understand that.

01:28:05.000 Me too.

01:28:05.000 He's like, the bus is home.

01:28:07.000 Yeah, I understand that.

01:28:07.000 He goes, the bus is home.

01:28:08.000 It's all comfortable in there.

01:28:09.000 They're all buddies.

01:28:10.000 They're all hanging out.

01:28:11.000 It's a good time.

01:28:12.000 How much fun was it?

01:28:13.000 It was great.

01:28:14.000 We got on the show.

01:28:14.000 We get on the tour bus.

01:28:15.000 It starts raining.

01:28:17.000 Everyone's in there drinking.

01:28:18.000 We're all talking.

01:28:19.000 We're talking shit about comics.

01:28:20.000 You can watch shit on the fucking TV. You can sit around.

01:28:23.000 You can watch Netflix, right?

01:28:25.000 Yeah.

01:28:25.000 I got Tim Dillon on the road with me this week.

01:28:27.000 That's smart to get a sober guy for this month.

01:28:29.000 Yeah, you get a fun guy like Tim.

01:28:31.000 My bus driver's fucking hilarious.

01:28:32.000 My tour manager's my cousin.

01:28:34.000 Tim's a good sober guy because he seems like a drunk.

01:28:37.000 Right?

01:28:38.000 He seems like a raging drunk.

01:28:40.000 It's interesting that he does seem like a drunk, but he's not.

01:28:43.000 Like that Meghan McCain thing?

01:28:44.000 You would think that has to be done by a guy who's on a lot of drugs.

01:28:47.000 Yeah, he's really funny.

01:28:48.000 I won't fuck you, I only fuck daddy!

01:28:54.000 That Meghan McCain bit is fucking crazy.

01:28:59.000 I've seen his Twitter.

01:29:02.000 It's just super opinionated, which is fun.

01:29:04.000 It's fun to see somebody.

01:29:05.000 To me, he had the very best take of a lot of people that were attacking Louis.

01:29:11.000 They're really mediocre comedians who didn't like the fact that Louis was brilliant, and they're coming up with all these reasons why they hate him, on top of what he did.

01:29:20.000 Especially a certain camp of comedians really embraced that.

01:29:25.000 Louis always had his feet planted both amazingly and all mainstream and perfectly.

01:29:30.000 Everybody in both was like, that's the guy.

01:29:33.000 But when the alt camp really came after him, Ooh, hard, because those are the little virtue signaling twats.

01:29:38.000 And those were the ones who were like, oh, the king is done.

01:29:42.000 Oh, he's so brilliant.

01:29:44.000 You thought he was brilliant, though.

01:29:45.000 Yeah, those are the ones who also said, you can't do rape jokes unless you're Louis.

01:29:48.000 He does it good.

01:29:50.000 They were always saying that he's their exception for that.

01:29:53.000 LOL. LOL. What he's doing is really interesting.

01:29:57.000 I want to see what he's going to do now.

01:29:59.000 Because he's just traveling around and he's just doing clubs.

01:30:02.000 I'm fascinated by what the draw is if he were to announce the big venue.

01:30:08.000 Because having traveled a lot this year, it makes me think that he would be at...

01:30:14.000 At least 75% of what his draw was.

01:30:18.000 At least.

01:30:20.000 I think it would be higher.

01:30:22.000 There's an excitement to it now.

01:30:23.000 I don't think he lost anybody.

01:30:25.000 There's an excitement to it now where it's like, before it was like, he'll be back next year.

01:30:28.000 And now we don't know where he was.

01:30:30.000 He gained more.

01:30:31.000 Whenever he lost, he gained.

01:30:32.000 But it's at the clubs right now.

01:30:34.000 So it's like, I want to see the...

01:30:37.000 But maybe he's just decided to just do this and make a good living traveling around doing clubs and never do a special again.

01:30:43.000 Maybe he just enjoys doing stand-up.

01:30:45.000 I don't know.

01:30:46.000 I don't know either.

01:30:48.000 I feel like I noticed different types of comics.

01:30:51.000 There's comics that like to live in L.A. and do spots in L.A. and not get out.

01:30:55.000 And I don't think Louis is that guy.

01:30:56.000 I think Louis likes being on the road.

01:30:58.000 I think he likes the road.

01:30:59.000 You know, the road's so different than LA and New York.

01:31:02.000 Yeah, it is.

01:31:04.000 It's also, you know, it's all his fans that are coming to see him.

01:31:07.000 Yeah.

01:31:07.000 I mean...

01:31:08.000 It's also fun in New York.

01:31:09.000 He does a lot of spots in New York.

01:31:10.000 Or he did, anyway.

01:31:11.000 Does he do them now?

01:31:13.000 Not really anymore.

01:31:14.000 Because they were videotaping everything he said.

01:31:16.000 That's such a problem now, is people videotaping.

01:31:18.000 A lot of people do is videotaping.

01:31:20.000 Everything I'm doing, they're just videotaping the entire thing.

01:31:22.000 Well, have you thought about using those yonder bags?

01:31:25.000 I have not because, I don't know, I think it's just a pain in the ass.

01:31:29.000 What are you going to do, fight?

01:31:31.000 We did it at the Chappelle Show.

01:31:33.000 25,000 fucking people.

01:31:34.000 Did you really?

01:31:35.000 25,000?

01:31:36.000 Yeah, a ton of people.

01:31:37.000 We did it also on the next night.

01:31:39.000 How long does it take to get them out?

01:31:41.000 It takes a while.

01:31:43.000 It takes a while.

01:31:44.000 But the thing is, Yonder, they know how to do it.

01:31:47.000 The Tacoma show was the biggest show they'd ever handled before.

01:31:50.000 You know what's nice after a show like that?

01:31:52.000 As soon as it ends, nobody's going on their phone, they're all talking to each other about what they just saw.

01:31:57.000 They're not disappearing.

01:31:58.000 I did it leading up to my Netflix special, too.

01:32:00.000 I did it for a few months.

01:32:01.000 I did it for three shows.

01:32:03.000 How was it?

01:32:04.000 What did you think of the response?

01:32:05.000 What did it cost you?

01:32:06.000 We'll talk about it afterwards.

01:32:07.000 It's not cheap.

01:32:08.000 It's not cheap.

01:32:09.000 It costs a little bit of money.

01:32:11.000 Because right now I'm getting ready for my Netflix special, and what I realized is you've still got to take chances.

01:32:17.000 Even though you're in a theater, you're still going to have to roll the dice and take chances and write new material because you haven't really gotten it yet.

01:32:23.000 And I hate that people are recording me taking chances and trying to figure things out.

01:32:28.000 And I go, don't put that on YouTube.

01:32:30.000 It's not done yet.

01:32:31.000 I want to tell you when it's done.

01:32:33.000 Yeah.

01:32:34.000 Also, just fucking pay attention.

01:32:36.000 Even if you're just using it for yourself, just pay attention.

01:32:38.000 Watch it in the room.

01:32:39.000 You know what's the best, but by best I mean the worst, was Miami.

01:32:43.000 Because when I used the Yonder Bags in Miami, where I was at the Jackie Gleason Theater, these motherfuckers, they would get up constantly to go outside to make phone calls and then come back.

01:32:53.000 So the crowd, instead of everybody sitting down focused, was just people constantly getting up and leaving and then coming back.

01:33:00.000 Because they had to use it.

01:33:01.000 So to go outside, To go outside to use it and then to come back.

01:33:04.000 It was the one city.

01:33:05.000 Super distracting.

01:33:06.000 I've always said if you want to starve to death, open up a bookstore in Miami.

01:33:09.000 It's the dumbest fucking party place on earth.

01:33:12.000 That's the spot.

01:33:13.000 It was so clear watching the audience just get up and leave.

01:33:17.000 You haven't been to Fort Myers?

01:33:19.000 Oh yeah, that's bad too.

01:33:21.000 I'll be there next week.

01:33:23.000 Miami's particularly party-y though.

01:33:25.000 It's a different vibe.

01:33:26.000 It's a different vibe.

01:33:27.000 It's Coke.

01:33:28.000 It's a Coke vibe.

01:33:29.000 Yes, it's a Coke vibe.

01:33:30.000 And it's also an all-night, you know, all night, all the time.

01:33:32.000 You can get good food in Miami at 3 in the morning.

01:33:34.000 Absolutely.

01:33:35.000 No questions asked.

01:33:36.000 No one thinks it's weird that you're looking for it, either.

01:33:38.000 You're like, can I get dinner now at 3 a.m.?

01:33:40.000 They're like, yeah, there's like 12 restaurants right here.

01:33:41.000 When the bar's closed, you're like, I just got this drink.

01:33:43.000 They just put it in a paper cup, like, go.

01:33:45.000 Yeah.

01:33:45.000 Like, all right.

01:33:46.000 Okay.

01:33:46.000 Yeah.

01:33:47.000 It's the sun comes up kind of place, for sure.

01:33:50.000 It's an interesting place.

01:33:51.000 It's not my favorite.

01:33:53.000 No.

01:33:53.000 But I like going there because it makes me really feel like I'm in another country.

01:33:57.000 Like I'm doing stand-up in Costa Rica or something.

01:33:59.000 You are, basically.

01:34:00.000 You are.

01:34:01.000 They're wild people.

01:34:02.000 There's so much dancing and the streets are filled with people.

01:34:05.000 That's just Latin America.

01:34:05.000 Miami's Latin America, man.

01:34:06.000 Yeah.

01:34:07.000 Lively.

01:34:08.000 Everyone's lively.

01:34:09.000 A lot of Lambos.

01:34:10.000 A lot of Tom Segura cars driving around.

01:34:13.000 Jewelry.

01:34:14.000 A lot of fucking crazy clothes.

01:34:15.000 You ever see yourself in a flossy car?

01:34:18.000 Nah.

01:34:18.000 I don't care about cars, really.

01:34:19.000 Really?

01:34:20.000 Really?

01:34:20.000 But you have that beautiful BMW. I don't really drive.

01:34:22.000 You show me that thing.

01:34:23.000 You were very proud of it.

01:34:24.000 How did you say you don't care about cars?

01:34:25.000 No, I like it.

01:34:26.000 I like it, but I don't really give a...

01:34:27.000 I'm not a car guy.

01:34:29.000 What's your stuff indulgence?

01:34:30.000 What's your stuff?

01:34:31.000 Yeah, what do you...

01:34:32.000 It's not cars.

01:34:33.000 Like, what would you...

01:34:34.000 I don't think...

01:34:36.000 I think...

01:34:38.000 I'm not that indulgent.

01:34:39.000 Like financially, I don't really care about jewelry too much.

01:34:42.000 I have a necklace my grandmother gave me.

01:34:44.000 I don't really care about stuff like that.

01:34:47.000 You like watches?

01:34:48.000 Yeah, but I don't really care.

01:34:49.000 I stopped wearing my Rolex because I just thought it was too flashy and I thought I'd get robbed.

01:34:54.000 So I was like, eh, fucking...

01:34:56.000 Really?

01:34:56.000 What is that watch going on?

01:34:58.000 This is just for my running.

01:35:00.000 Oh, is it one of the Garmin's?

01:35:01.000 Yeah.

01:35:01.000 You're on stage in front of fucking 2,800 people, and then you go, hey, let's go out to a bar after this, and then you got $50,000 on your wrist.

01:35:08.000 Yeah, it's a little weird.

01:35:10.000 $50,000?

01:35:10.000 What kind of Rolex are you wearing?

01:35:12.000 It's a presidential rose gold.

01:35:14.000 Damn!

01:35:15.000 It was a present.

01:35:18.000 No, it was a present.

01:35:19.000 I didn't buy it.

01:35:19.000 You should go straight Tracy Morgan, just giant fucking gold ropes, big fat gold ropes, maybe a giant dollar bill sign.

01:35:27.000 I get anxiety when I hear about you guys spending money.

01:35:34.000 When you got this place, I got anxiety for you.

01:35:37.000 I know you got a lot of money, but I go, aren't you afraid you're going to run out?

01:35:41.000 That's how I am with money.

01:35:42.000 I don't have a hard time spending it.

01:35:43.000 Well, some people are famine thinkers.

01:35:45.000 Yeah.

01:35:46.000 But I think, yeah, I think I do.

01:35:48.000 And it's like when you got the Lambo, I got scared for you because I was like, why would you do that?

01:35:52.000 I was trying to get them to buy it for real.

01:35:55.000 Yeah, but you like spending money.

01:35:56.000 Yeah, you do like spending money.

01:35:58.000 You like spending money.

01:35:58.000 Enjoy it.

01:35:59.000 Yeah, I grew up poor.

01:36:00.000 I like having money.

01:36:02.000 I don't think you should have money if you're not going to spend it.

01:36:04.000 I just don't agree with that.

01:36:06.000 But there's not a part of your comic brain that goes...

01:36:08.000 This can all be taken away.

01:36:09.000 Yeah, fuck that.

01:36:11.000 I got a different brain than you.

01:36:13.000 Yeah.

01:36:13.000 My brain doesn't work that way.

01:36:14.000 I work every fucking weekend.

01:36:16.000 Because I go, I want to get the material sharp.

01:36:19.000 I want to get ready for the special.

01:36:20.000 I want to make as much money while the sun shines.

01:36:22.000 Make hay while the sun shines.

01:36:24.000 Dude, you're going to be fine.

01:36:26.000 Talk to me more often and stay off the molly, this guy.

01:36:29.000 How are you doing molly all the time?

01:36:31.000 He's doing molly just so he doesn't feel bad.

01:36:35.000 Spending all his money on cars and shit.

01:36:41.000 It's so crazy what a character I've become now that I'm not even a real human anymore.

01:36:48.000 That was Kinnison's problem.

01:36:50.000 He became a character.

01:36:51.000 Yeah, I don't know.

01:36:52.000 Kinnison even talked about it.

01:36:54.000 Hunter S. Thompson, the same issue.

01:36:56.000 You know, as he got famous for being this wild man, you know, and people that knew Hunter would say that when the cameras were off, he was a different guy, but when he knew that the cameras were there, he would all of a sudden take on this character.

01:37:09.000 Do you know that band Beardy Man?

01:37:14.000 Fitzsimmons and I were reading off Hunter S. Thompson's Daily routine.

01:37:19.000 Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:37:19.000 It's like Chivas, Dunhills.

01:37:21.000 That's great.

01:37:22.000 We're reading it off, and Beardy Man turned it into a video.

01:37:25.000 Oh, I saw that.

01:37:26.000 Turned it into a song, and then turned it into this crazy video.

01:37:28.000 Oh, yes.

01:37:30.000 Yeah.

01:37:30.000 Okay.

01:37:30.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:37:31.000 I saw a clip of this.

01:37:32.000 Apparently, it didn't really live like that every day.

01:37:35.000 It was just like when someone was there watching in there.

01:37:37.000 When a reporter was there watching in there.

01:37:38.000 Gotcha.

01:37:39.000 He was just like, I'm just going to do coke and drink all day.

01:37:42.000 I'm going to wake up at four in the afternoon, and I'm going to eat fucking Cheetos and Doritos and enchiladas.

01:37:49.000 And be like, this is my routine.

01:37:50.000 And drink margaritas.

01:37:51.000 And, you know, 6 a.m.

01:37:53.000 in the hot tub with champagne.

01:37:54.000 And that's what he would do.

01:37:55.000 And he would ride at midnight after...

01:37:58.000 So he had this reporter there, and he's doing all these hard, hard drugs up until midnight, and at midnight, he started writing.

01:38:04.000 So he writes until 6 a.m., and then 6 a.m.

01:38:07.000 That's so cool.

01:38:08.000 Yeah, see, I knew Ari would like it.

01:38:11.000 That's cool.

01:38:11.000 But when you're that guy, like, Kinnison said they would just lay out lines of coke for him, like...

01:38:16.000 Oh, it's him!

01:38:17.000 It's him!

01:38:18.000 Here, fucking do this!

01:38:19.000 That is kind of what you go through.

01:38:21.000 Dude, you have no fucking idea.

01:38:22.000 Everyone wants to drink with you.

01:38:25.000 I'll bring a drink on stage and I'll have my drink.

01:38:28.000 If I'm doing one show, I'll have it when I tell the machine story.

01:38:31.000 But if I just have a soda and I just take a big sip, they go fucking nuts.

01:38:35.000 And it's hard because...

01:38:39.000 I do like drinking.

01:38:40.000 So when people are like, hey, can I buy you a drink?

01:38:41.000 Yeah, they're like, alright!

01:38:43.000 And you're like, well, fuck.

01:38:44.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:38:44.000 Right, I get it.

01:38:45.000 And no one had, like, when I told everyone I already slipped my Molly on stage, they just cheer.

01:38:50.000 You're the machine!

01:38:51.000 And you're like, oh, I'm also a fucking dad.

01:38:53.000 A great dad.

01:38:55.000 But I don't even know...

01:38:57.000 I remember hearing about Amy and Sarah when they got in trouble for the jokes they made, going, that's a character I do.

01:39:04.000 And I can't wrap my head around a difference between who I am on stage and who I am off stage.

01:39:09.000 Like, I'm the same person.

01:39:11.000 So, like, I can't understand being a character, even though, you know what I mean?

01:39:16.000 Yeah, I know what you're saying.

01:39:17.000 I can't understand that either.

01:39:18.000 I'm basically an exaggerated version of me on stage.

01:39:21.000 That is, yeah, right?

01:39:23.000 Exactly.

01:39:23.000 You're on a good day.

01:39:24.000 Yeah, the funniest ways I'm looking at life.

01:39:28.000 But there are ways I've actually looked at life.

01:39:30.000 I've never said anything on stage where I'm like, this is not my perspective, but I'm going to take on this perspective in order to get these people to laugh at me.

01:39:39.000 I hate that shit.

01:39:40.000 I hate when comics do that.

01:39:41.000 I'm like, you don't believe that?

01:39:42.000 Just change the joke up.

01:39:43.000 Or take the high road and try to write the fucking joke the way you want it to sound.

01:39:47.000 Unless it's something that's fucked up to say.

01:39:50.000 That you gotta know that I don't really think that.

01:39:52.000 I will say that.

01:39:53.000 And I'll say, guess what?

01:39:54.000 I don't even fucking think that.

01:39:56.000 I just think it's funny.

01:39:57.000 Ha ha.

01:39:57.000 What about you on the podcast?

01:40:00.000 How much of you on the podcast is who you are off the podcast?

01:40:03.000 Oh my god, it's like 100% of me on the podcast.

01:40:05.000 I've been doing it for so long.

01:40:07.000 I don't think I would know how to fake being someone else.

01:40:10.000 But that also wouldn't work.

01:40:13.000 One of the reasons why this podcast works is because it seems like a hang.

01:40:17.000 Like, you guys know me.

01:40:18.000 This is me.

01:40:19.000 Yeah.

01:40:20.000 You know?

01:40:21.000 Yeah.

01:40:21.000 This is it.

01:40:22.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:40:24.000 If that wasn't the case, but it also makes it so much easier.

01:40:28.000 Can you imagine if you had a character that you were doing on a podcast and you have to keep that character up all the time?

01:40:33.000 For me, that's one of the reasons why it's so easy to do the UFC and so easy even to do stand-up.

01:40:38.000 It's like I'm live all the time.

01:40:41.000 The idea of someone watching you is easy.

01:40:43.000 It's normal.

01:40:44.000 Like when I do those UFC broadcasts and, you know, If I'm doing a pay-per-view, millions of people are watching this.

01:40:50.000 It's a fucking hugely important thing.

01:40:52.000 We don't even rehearse.

01:40:53.000 I don't even know what they're going to ask me.

01:40:54.000 Yeah, that's really crazy.

01:40:55.000 I have no idea.

01:40:56.000 I have no idea.

01:40:57.000 And that's how I've always done it.

01:40:58.000 But I know what's happening.

01:40:59.000 I know who the fighters are.

01:41:01.000 I know what's going down.

01:41:02.000 But that's just because I'm a fan.

01:41:04.000 So when John Anik turns to me, and he's like, you know, in this light heavyweight title fight, you know, blah, blah, blah, John Jones, and I'll just start going off.

01:41:12.000 I just started talking about it.

01:41:13.000 But it's because of this, because I do this so often.

01:41:16.000 I feel like other sports broadcasters do so much more prep.

01:41:20.000 So much more work than you.

01:41:21.000 For sure.

01:41:23.000 They all study their binders for like five days.

01:41:26.000 Well, I do study fights, but I study fights because I just happened to be a fan.

01:41:34.000 So it's easy.

01:41:35.000 If I was doing basketball, I'd have to really pay attention to the teams, really pay attention to who's playing who and what the implications are.

01:41:41.000 For fighting, I know it.

01:41:43.000 I pay attention to it constantly.

01:41:45.000 So when something's happening, I'm like, I'm excited about this.

01:41:48.000 I only know comedy like that.

01:41:49.000 There's only one thing I know, and it's comedy.

01:41:51.000 That's the only thing I have any expertise at all, because I don't know anything about anything.

01:41:57.000 Well, I think that's one of the good things about being not so good at something.

01:42:00.000 It's like something that you get excited about.

01:42:02.000 I think it helps to other things.

01:42:04.000 I think archery and bow hunting, I think it helps my comedy.

01:42:09.000 And I think it helps podcasting.

01:42:10.000 Because it's something that I'm learning how to do.

01:42:12.000 That's something you're excited about.

01:42:14.000 Yeah, because it requires a lot of work.

01:42:16.000 It requires a lot of thinking and it's a very absolute thing where you can't fuck it up.

01:42:23.000 It has to be done correctly.

01:42:24.000 It's like there's a lot of work that has to go into it.

01:42:27.000 You can't fake the work.

01:42:28.000 I don't know if I could get into anything without comedy being the purpose that I'm there.

01:42:33.000 Like if I got into archery, I'd be like, this is to write a bit about.

01:42:37.000 Do you have hobbies outside of comedy?

01:42:40.000 No.

01:42:41.000 Working out.

01:42:42.000 I never understood when people say they have hobbies.

01:42:45.000 I can never wrap my head around that.

01:42:46.000 I go, yeah, making videos.

01:42:47.000 Yeah, working out.

01:42:47.000 You're like running.

01:42:49.000 No, but I don't even really...

01:42:50.000 I only run to try to be healthy.

01:42:51.000 I don't enjoy it.

01:42:52.000 I don't have any hobbies.

01:42:54.000 What about you, Tom?

01:42:56.000 Yeah, I don't know.

01:42:57.000 I mean, I've actually always...

01:42:59.000 Have that thing where I'm like, man, I wish I had more hobbies.

01:43:02.000 And then the way that I kind of talk myself down from the criticism is like, well, I just have a very busy life.

01:43:09.000 I have kids.

01:43:10.000 I have a wife.

01:43:11.000 I have the podcasting.

01:43:13.000 I have touring.

01:43:13.000 Kids are kind of a hobby, too, though.

01:43:15.000 Yeah.

01:43:15.000 Sure.

01:43:16.000 No, but there's just a lot going on.

01:43:18.000 I like certain things.

01:43:20.000 I've gone to a couple tracks to drive, and I really love it, but it's fucking...

01:43:25.000 That's a lot of time.

01:43:26.000 They're not here.

01:43:27.000 They're not in proper L.A. You've got to go to them.

01:43:30.000 You can't do it once a week.

01:43:31.000 Isn't there a Porsche driving experience?

01:43:33.000 Yeah, it's fantastic.

01:43:34.000 It's great.

01:43:35.000 I went to M school.

01:43:37.000 We could do that.

01:43:37.000 That could be one of our things we do for a class.

01:43:39.000 Oh, yeah, for sure.

01:43:40.000 For sure.

01:43:41.000 That'd be crazy.

01:43:42.000 Let's go, boys.

01:43:42.000 It's really fun.

01:43:43.000 Let's do it.

01:43:43.000 Are you allowed to use your own car or do you have to use their cars?

01:43:46.000 No.

01:43:47.000 So basically at the Porsche driving experience, they have one in Atlanta, they have the one here.

01:43:53.000 You sign up for a certain thing for that day.

01:43:57.000 So it's like turbos, GT3, you want to master the manual.

01:44:01.000 You pick a class and then that's your car for the experience, right?

01:44:05.000 Yeah.

01:44:06.000 Then they have different tracks.

01:44:07.000 They have a bowl.

01:44:08.000 They have a slip disc kind of thing where the ground moves.

01:44:12.000 Oh, yeah.

01:44:12.000 I've heard of that.

01:44:14.000 If you want to feel like you can't drive, you get in the car.

01:44:19.000 They're pro drivers.

01:44:20.000 And you're like, yeah, I know how to drive.

01:44:21.000 And they're like, check out this shit.

01:44:22.000 You're like, yeah, I don't know how to drive.

01:44:24.000 I've only been doing it for like 25 years.

01:44:26.000 And you're like, I don't know how to drive.

01:44:27.000 Because they're fucking amazing drivers.

01:44:29.000 And then M School is like BMW's thing.

01:44:32.000 It's out towards Coachella.

01:44:35.000 That's fucking so fun.

01:44:37.000 And you get M2s, M3s, and M5s on different courses.

01:44:41.000 What we should do is to keep the competition alive.

01:44:47.000 But not make us go crazy about it.

01:44:49.000 Go for time?

01:44:49.000 Is do like two, three activities, like a driving, a shooting, or three different activities that none of us have previous experience in, and just straight competition.

01:45:01.000 See who's the best.

01:45:02.000 But the driving part, you're going to be hampered by your weight.

01:45:05.000 Yeah.

01:45:06.000 That's a lot of weight.

01:45:08.000 You get an extra four or five hundred pounds in that front seat.

01:45:10.000 Yeah.

01:45:11.000 That's a big difference.

01:45:12.000 Where are you talking to me or Tom?

01:45:13.000 Kurth.

01:45:16.000 We could certainly do something like that.

01:45:19.000 We could also do something like that where...

01:45:22.000 I mean, we're doing this sober October, right?

01:45:24.000 This is our October.

01:45:25.000 Yeah, unless you have alcohol you want to bring in.

01:45:27.000 We could break this up, and we could do it at another time, too.

01:45:32.000 We don't have to do this just once a month.

01:45:34.000 Or once a year, rather.

01:45:35.000 We could do something else.

01:45:37.000 But it's one of the most fun things we do.

01:45:41.000 We could do, on top of being sober, we can do another thing on another month where it's just a racing month.

01:45:49.000 That sounds fun.

01:45:50.000 And you don't have to be sober at all.

01:45:51.000 I like that.

01:45:52.000 Fishing month.

01:45:52.000 I like that.

01:45:52.000 You could do a fishing month.

01:45:54.000 Yeah.

01:45:55.000 The race thing you'll love, dude.

01:45:56.000 Fucking racing is awesome.

01:45:57.000 You've got to find a track somewhere.

01:45:58.000 The fascinating thing is like when they tell you.

01:46:01.000 I don't have that race trigger in my heart.

01:46:03.000 Oh, you say that.

01:46:04.000 Once you're in a race, feel it.

01:46:11.000 The thing that gives, like maybe you two, where you get confident behind the wheel, I start getting nervous, going, it's going to flip, it's going to flip.

01:46:18.000 If you believe the instructor, because they're so good, and they tell you, Like, no, no, no.

01:46:26.000 Like, hit the throttle up to this point where you go, that's way too late to be hitting the brake.

01:46:32.000 And they're like, let me show you how to...

01:46:33.000 And you actually see it.

01:46:34.000 Then you start to get the confidence to follow the instruction.

01:46:37.000 Well, Burks, you're going to panic when you realize how long 500 words is or 500 pages is.

01:46:42.000 Dude, when you said 500 pages, I panicked already.

01:46:45.000 500 pages is a lot of pages.

01:46:47.000 That's like two mid-sized books.

01:46:48.000 You can't read a bullshit book.

01:46:50.000 How many is that?

01:46:50.000 That's probably 310. Oh, I couldn't read this fucking portion of just words that don't mean anything to me.

01:46:57.000 How much is that?

01:46:57.000 I'm saying that's 310. The Quantum Worlds of the Emergence of Space.

01:47:01.000 Do you realize?

01:47:03.000 I would be like, I bet I couldn't understand the first sentence.

01:47:06.000 How many pages?

01:47:08.000 I listened to that book on audio and I had to go back over it multiple times.

01:47:13.000 Yeah, that's heady.

01:47:13.000 Fuck.

01:47:14.000 You need less hobbies, maybe.

01:47:17.000 Yeah.

01:47:17.000 You do too much shit, man.

01:47:19.000 I get tired of thinking.

01:47:21.000 315. How close was I? Pretty good.

01:47:24.000 Thank you.

01:47:24.000 I'm a different kind of crazy, though.

01:47:26.000 My kind of crazy needs other things.

01:47:28.000 Thinking about two quidbits, one belonging to Alice and the other belonging to Bob.

01:47:32.000 I don't even know what a quidbit is.

01:47:33.000 I'm lost.

01:47:34.000 I'm trying to explain it to you.

01:47:36.000 I mean, I look at your schedule and it gives me panic.

01:47:40.000 I have to piss.

01:47:41.000 Speaking of panic, you guys talk amongst yourselves.

01:47:43.000 Maybe take your drink with you.

01:47:45.000 Yeah, well, Bill Cosby over here.

01:47:47.000 I need to take advantage of you afterwards.

01:47:51.000 I think...

01:47:52.000 Yeah, we should have another month as a straight reading challenge.

01:47:55.000 Straight reading challenge?

01:47:56.000 Just for a month.

01:47:58.000 Alright.

01:47:59.000 What are the odds Joe goes back and listens to this?

01:48:02.000 Let's all just trash him for like fucking...

01:48:04.000 He'll never listen to it.

01:48:05.000 Oh, he's just playing in the...

01:48:10.000 Oh, you shouldn't have told me!

01:48:13.000 I told my bus driver that Tim Dillon's gay.

01:48:20.000 And because I was like, because you're going to meet him and you're not going to know.

01:48:22.000 And my bus driver's a little crass.

01:48:24.000 So I was like, I don't want, you know, I was just giving you a heads up.

01:48:27.000 And both Dave Williamson and Andrew, my cousin, the bus driver leaves and he goes, that's fucking a good prank.

01:48:32.000 I go, what?

01:48:33.000 And they're like telling someone that he's gay when he's not gay.

01:48:36.000 I go, no, he really is gay.

01:48:37.000 And they're like, oh, for real?

01:48:40.000 We found out we could shit on my bus.

01:48:43.000 You just found that out?

01:48:44.000 Is it a new bus?

01:48:45.000 It's a grinder.

01:48:46.000 You can shit on the bus?

01:48:47.000 It grinds up the shit and puts it out?

01:48:50.000 It's amazing.

01:48:51.000 It's a game changer for the week.

01:48:53.000 When you can't shit on the bus, you have to stop somewhere.

01:48:56.000 Also, what ends up happening is, you have two shows, you eat dinner at midnight, and you're like, alright, just go to bed, and then you have a fucking 4am.

01:49:04.000 I'm in the middle of the night.

01:49:05.000 Dude, first thing in the morning, you have hot wings at night.

01:49:08.000 You end up holding it for 40 minutes, you know, while you find a bathroom.

01:49:10.000 Leanne, we're driving through the Canadian Rockies, and Leanne pops up.

01:49:14.000 This is like her first day on the bus, and she's like, um, hey, where are the wipes at?

01:49:17.000 I'm like, what do you mean?

01:49:18.000 She goes, I'm gonna go take a dump.

01:49:19.000 And I was like, no, you're not allowed to shit on the bus.

01:49:20.000 She goes, oh, I'm shitting right now.

01:49:22.000 Like, I'm about to shit.

01:49:23.000 It's coming out like...

01:49:24.000 I'm going right now.

01:49:25.000 And I said, no, no, you can't.

01:49:25.000 You've got to go ask the driver to pull over.

01:49:27.000 We go out, and it's just mountains everywhere.

01:49:29.000 And he's like, I don't know what to tell you.

01:49:31.000 And I'm like, you're going to be shitting on the side of the road into the snow.

01:49:35.000 We found a fucking rest stop.

01:49:37.000 I go, that's a rest stop right there.

01:49:39.000 Pulled over.

01:49:40.000 So fucking beautiful.

01:49:41.000 So beautiful.

01:49:43.000 That's the other thing about the tour bus, is you see the country.

01:49:46.000 You do.

01:49:46.000 When you can shit, though, it changes your entire week.

01:49:49.000 Can you imagine how much fun it would have been if when you guys were touring with Joe, you guys had a tour bus?

01:49:54.000 That would be freaking fun.

01:49:55.000 You guys would have had the best times of your fucking lives.

01:49:58.000 Yeah.

01:49:58.000 I'll show you a video of my bus after this.

01:50:01.000 Do you think your bus is better than Bert's?

01:50:03.000 Without question.

01:50:04.000 No.

01:50:04.000 Hers was amazing.

01:50:05.000 No, no.

01:50:06.000 I'm the tour bus champ.

01:50:07.000 It's fine.

01:50:08.000 He can have it.

01:50:09.000 I gotta see yours.

01:50:10.000 This bus is ten times better.

01:50:11.000 Ten times better than that great bus?

01:50:12.000 It's the most state-of-the-art bus you can get.

01:50:15.000 So if it's not that, then it's...

01:50:16.000 Don't you have J-Lo's bus?

01:50:17.000 I did, yeah.

01:50:18.000 You did have J-Lo's bus?

01:50:19.000 Yeah.

01:50:21.000 Did you wrap it?

01:50:22.000 Fuck no.

01:50:22.000 No, it's the dumbest thing in the world to wrap your bus!

01:50:25.000 You'd think I would wrap my bus.

01:50:26.000 I was like, I almost wrapped my bus with Tom.

01:50:29.000 I saw his bus on the outside of my hotel in Madison, and I went in there, I'm like, oh, well, I mean, obviously it's his.

01:50:35.000 I'm with Adrian.

01:50:36.000 And I'm just like, I knocked on the window, nothing, and then I just like opened the door and just walked in.

01:50:42.000 Yeah.

01:50:42.000 And then, like, Dave, it's like, oh, I'm like, hi, my name's Ari, I'm a comedian, I know Bert.

01:50:48.000 And he's like, he's back there.

01:50:50.000 I just walked straight onto his bus.

01:50:52.000 Jesus.

01:50:53.000 It's so funny to see people, because Ari is a, the heightened version of Ari is in the In the atmosphere.

01:51:01.000 People hear stories about Ari, like him drugging people or whatever.

01:51:05.000 Rapist.

01:51:08.000 Therapist.

01:51:08.000 And so Dave met Ari for the first time.

01:51:11.000 And Ari's a very quiet person in real life.

01:51:14.000 People don't know that.

01:51:15.000 And he was like, what the fuck?

01:51:16.000 He's not that fucking savage that I hear about.

01:51:20.000 Just in moments.

01:51:21.000 By the way, for the bus thing though, I also at one point had the biggest piece of shit bus.

01:51:26.000 Really?

01:51:27.000 Yeah.

01:51:29.000 Oh.

01:51:31.000 What?

01:51:32.000 Fuck this.

01:51:35.000 Fuck this.

01:51:37.000 Do you like how I just automatically went from my glass?

01:51:39.000 So bombed October.

01:51:41.000 We're not...

01:51:42.000 With...

01:51:43.000 What are we doing?

01:51:45.000 Gas money garage.

01:51:47.000 Shot glasses.

01:51:48.000 Lighting a fire to sober October.

01:51:50.000 Oh my gosh.

01:51:56.000 You ringing the bell?

01:51:57.000 It's all right there.

01:51:58.000 It's the temptation.

01:51:59.000 Oh, you want the temptation?

01:52:00.000 We can start clanging.

01:52:02.000 We got ice.

01:52:03.000 We got shot glasses.

01:52:05.000 Bird?

01:52:06.000 What do you want to do?

01:52:07.000 Are you?

01:52:08.000 What are you going to do?

01:52:08.000 I mean, I'll just put some ice in the glass.

01:52:10.000 Put some ice in that glass.

01:52:11.000 Oh, my God.

01:52:13.000 Ring that bell.

01:52:15.000 You can ring that bell right now.

01:52:17.000 I'll just have it in front of me.

01:52:18.000 Pour it in.

01:52:19.000 Pour it in.

01:52:20.000 Smell it.

01:52:24.000 Dan Aykroyd gave us a massive speech on how good that vodka is.

01:52:27.000 That's his, huh?

01:52:28.000 Yeah, smell it, smell it.

01:52:30.000 Alright, if you take a little sip, I'm not going to be mad at you.

01:52:35.000 Damn, it smells better than Tito's.

01:52:37.000 Does it?

01:52:38.000 It's very good vodka.

01:52:40.000 He explained this process.

01:52:42.000 They use diamonds.

01:52:43.000 They actually have some sort of fucking diamonds that they use to filter it.

01:52:47.000 Let Bert smell it.

01:52:49.000 Smell it.

01:52:50.000 Just have some in front of you.

01:52:53.000 Guys, we can still do this challenge stuff.

01:52:55.000 Yeah, we can be sober for most of October.

01:52:58.000 Sober for January.

01:52:59.000 Just ease it up.

01:53:00.000 Ease it up a little bit.

01:53:03.000 It smells good, right?

01:53:04.000 It does.

01:53:05.000 It's very good.

01:53:05.000 Dan Aykroyd gave me a hell of a sales pitch.

01:53:08.000 Really?

01:53:09.000 Yeah, he did.

01:53:10.000 Holy fucking shit.

01:53:11.000 Right?

01:53:13.000 He's someone I can't imagine doing coke with that guy.

01:53:16.000 He talks.

01:53:17.000 He talks.

01:53:18.000 Very good talker.

01:53:18.000 Yeah.

01:53:19.000 You've had some good podcasts lately.

01:53:20.000 Thank you.

01:53:21.000 He believes a lot of nonsense.

01:53:22.000 He does?

01:53:23.000 Oh my god, everything.

01:53:24.000 Channelers, psychics, fucking, you name it.

01:53:27.000 Alright, pull the trigger.

01:53:28.000 Whatever.

01:53:29.000 He doesn't...

01:53:30.000 There's not a goddamn thing.

01:53:31.000 Let's all pour a glass.

01:53:32.000 Let's all pour a glass.

01:53:34.000 And we'll all put it to our lips, and we'll see if anyone opens their mouth.

01:53:37.000 And what happens when they do?

01:53:39.000 The month is over?

01:53:40.000 Is the month is over?

01:53:42.000 No.

01:53:42.000 Can't you just keep going?

01:53:44.000 Yeah, you want to?

01:53:45.000 Can I have a little sip?

01:53:46.000 Can I have a sip?

01:53:47.000 That's what we're doing on the first.

01:53:50.000 This is more than 30 days left right now.

01:53:53.000 Yeah, there's 30 and one.

01:53:55.000 If we're only by the Mayan calendar, I don't think it's October yet.

01:53:58.000 It's already over.

01:53:59.000 We're all dead.

01:54:00.000 December 21st, 2012. Does that kombucha have alcohol in it?

01:54:03.000 Yeah, I'm already breaking them up.

01:54:04.000 Look, man.

01:54:05.000 Since the challenge isn't as intense, does the sobriety really matter?

01:54:11.000 Why do we even do the sobriety anymore?

01:54:13.000 We're calling it sober October.

01:54:16.000 So...

01:54:19.000 So bombed October.

01:54:20.000 Listen, the problem is Ari and I already got high earlier.

01:54:23.000 We were smoking cigars, and we both got a buzz.

01:54:25.000 No doubt about it.

01:54:27.000 So it's over.

01:54:28.000 The sober part.

01:54:29.000 I think Ari and I cheated.

01:54:30.000 I think it should be over.

01:54:31.000 That's a...

01:54:33.000 I feel like we did it wrong.

01:54:35.000 I'm going to Europe.

01:54:37.000 How about...

01:54:37.000 You're going to Europe?

01:54:38.000 Why would you do that sober?

01:54:39.000 How about with every drink you take, you have to do an additional class?

01:54:43.000 Ooh!

01:54:44.000 I love this.

01:54:46.000 Oh my god.

01:54:48.000 My dick just got hard.

01:54:50.000 I'm going to get a fucking black belt in jiu-jitsu.

01:54:53.000 Every drink is a class.

01:54:55.000 30 days black belts.

01:54:58.000 So we've got to have someone come in November 1st.

01:55:00.000 He's like, I did 126 classes.

01:55:02.000 Every drink is a class.

01:55:04.000 I'm going to be fucking ripped.

01:55:05.000 I can't straighten my arms.

01:55:08.000 I want to tell you about quidbits.

01:55:10.000 Are we really doing this?

01:55:10.000 Every drink is a class.

01:55:12.000 You can start from zero with that.

01:55:13.000 Every drink is a class.

01:55:15.000 Every drink is an extra class.

01:55:16.000 Every drink is a class.

01:55:17.000 So I'm definitely going to have more than ten drinks.

01:55:18.000 Ten classes.

01:55:20.000 One night's going to fuck me.

01:55:22.000 You have 10 classes that you owe, period.

01:55:25.000 Then, if you drink, every drink is an additional class.

01:55:28.000 Wait, is it just a drink?

01:55:30.000 So if you have three drinks in a night, you owe three more classes.

01:55:33.000 So you have to do 13 classes?

01:55:34.000 Yes.

01:55:34.000 That's impossible.

01:55:35.000 You'll never be able to get that many.

01:55:37.000 And a drink has to be a legit drink.

01:55:40.000 It can't be like, oh, I just have a fucking beer stein full of $2.

01:55:44.000 It's my drink!

01:55:45.000 That's not what I sound like!

01:55:48.000 What about, like, does weed apply to the same thing?

01:55:51.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:55:52.000 Every time you take a hit, an extra class.

01:55:54.000 I mean, do you realize, just for one night of drinking, I would have to do two classes a day for the whole month.

01:56:01.000 There'd be no time.

01:56:02.000 You would never be able to.

01:56:02.000 You'd have to start from zero classes.

01:56:04.000 Two classes a day for the whole month.

01:56:05.000 What is one night of drinking?

01:56:06.000 Yeah, what is one night?

01:56:07.000 For real, right now?

01:56:08.000 I mean, if we're doing doubles...

01:56:09.000 All right, like, what's...

01:56:10.000 A double is one.

01:56:12.000 For...

01:56:12.000 Like, if I'm on the road, I'll have...

01:56:14.000 I'll bring a double on stage with me.

01:56:15.000 I'll have a double after the show.

01:56:16.000 I'll have a double at the bar.

01:56:17.000 I'll have a double in Boston when we're done.

01:56:19.000 So it's...

01:56:19.000 Eight.

01:56:20.000 Eight drinks.

01:56:21.000 Eight drinks.

01:56:21.000 So that would be fun.

01:56:22.000 Will that set you straight?

01:56:23.000 Will you be like, I'm straight right now?

01:56:24.000 Or like...

01:56:24.000 You thought the shakes would stop.

01:56:26.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:56:27.000 It would stop.

01:56:28.000 There's been times.

01:56:29.000 Yeah, of course.

01:56:30.000 There were times I couldn't use chopsticks.

01:56:32.000 Ha, ha, ha.

01:56:34.000 In Japan at the airport going, hey, can I get a sake bomb real quick?

01:56:38.000 Oh my gosh.

01:56:39.000 I'm starving over here.

01:56:40.000 Oh my gosh.

01:56:40.000 Wow.

01:56:41.000 Yeah, what gets me is those long flights.

01:56:43.000 Because I drink on long flights.

01:56:45.000 That's what fucks me up.

01:56:46.000 Are you doing it?

01:56:46.000 No, not yet.

01:56:47.000 Do it.

01:56:48.000 Just smell it.

01:56:48.000 Do it.

01:56:49.000 Add a glass.

01:56:49.000 I like that.

01:56:50.000 For every drink we do, we have to add a glass.

01:56:52.000 I would do it with starting from zero.

01:56:54.000 But that's not sober October.

01:56:56.000 That's not.

01:56:56.000 The thing is, is people listening to this, they're severely disappointed, first of all, in me, for bringing in shot glasses and ice.

01:57:04.000 Definitely.

01:57:04.000 They're angry right now.

01:57:06.000 A lot of them I really look forward to doing this.

01:57:07.000 They're already angry at Ari.

01:57:10.000 Bert's the victim.

01:57:11.000 No.

01:57:12.000 You're a fucking rapist.

01:57:13.000 Yes.

01:57:14.000 You're very bad.

01:57:15.000 You might out-beat Bill Cosby as the number one comedian rapist.

01:57:21.000 You didn't like the Welch?

01:57:22.000 Holy shit.

01:57:23.000 Wait till you see the nicknames coming your way.

01:57:25.000 There was a woman who was a...

01:57:27.000 She was talking about Bill Cosby.

01:57:29.000 She said he might be the biggest serial rapist in history.

01:57:33.000 Oh, easily.

01:57:34.000 Can you imagine that?

01:57:35.000 Imagine, like, that guy.

01:57:37.000 Where are you going?

01:57:38.000 He's going to pee.

01:57:39.000 He's taking your thing with you.

01:57:41.000 Think about it when you're out there.

01:57:42.000 Think about what you want to do with your sobriety.

01:57:45.000 The problem with sobriety is...

01:57:47.000 I'm going to die if he comes in with a fucking 12-pack of beer going, come on, guys.

01:57:51.000 There's a lot of booze in that fridge out there.

01:57:54.000 You could do a class per drink, 50 pages per drink, one or the other.

01:57:58.000 Ooh, I like that.

01:58:00.000 Start at zero.

01:58:01.000 That means you could have two nights of drinking and drugs, and that's already like seven right there.

01:58:05.000 Yeah, 50 pages for a drink is a hefty price.

01:58:09.000 What's Xanax?

01:58:10.000 I want to take one of those today.

01:58:11.000 One class.

01:58:12.000 What does Xanax do for you?

01:58:14.000 Ever since the Mali, my panic has been fucking tweaked.

01:58:16.000 I think my serotonin's not back, so I've been having panic attacks.

01:58:20.000 You need to take 5-HTP. Did you try it?

01:58:21.000 No, you got some here.

01:58:23.000 Do we have any new mood?

01:58:25.000 5-HTP. Can I tell you though, I get nervous taking anything.

01:58:29.000 Jamie's going to go to something.

01:58:30.000 I get nervous sometimes taking stuff.

01:58:32.000 Well, 5-HTP is just a nutrient.

01:58:33.000 It's all natural stuff, right?

01:58:34.000 That stuff really works.

01:58:36.000 Yes, it works.

01:58:37.000 When I get obsessive-compulsive, it turns it off.

01:58:41.000 Yeah?

01:58:42.000 Yeah, it really turns it off.

01:58:43.000 Like, sometimes I'll get repetitive in my head, and I'll just start saying the same thing over and over and over again, and it fucking makes me crazy.

01:58:51.000 Let me ask you this.

01:58:52.000 When we were doing that Sober October thing, there you go.

01:58:55.000 5-HTP? Take four of those.

01:58:57.000 Four?

01:58:57.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:58:58.000 Ari, do you want to put them in my drink for me?

01:59:00.000 Oh!

01:59:05.000 That's my only regret, is not bringing 5-HTP with me.

01:59:07.000 That'll ramp up your serotonin, though, for sure.

01:59:09.000 For real?

01:59:10.000 Yeah, take that with you.

01:59:11.000 Can I have it?

01:59:11.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:59:12.000 If you need more, let me know.

01:59:14.000 Yeah, I don't know what it's called, but sometimes when I get obsessive composed, I say the same thing over and over in my head.

01:59:22.000 It's great when you're working on a joke, because you just start chewing a joke over and over and over again, but it fucking backfires sometimes.

01:59:29.000 Now, let me ask you this.

01:59:31.000 Last year when we were doing that crazy fitness shit, did that kill your chatter like Tommy and I were talking about?

01:59:36.000 Hot spin's killing it.

01:59:37.000 Really?

01:59:37.000 Why?

01:59:38.000 Because it's so aggressive.

01:59:39.000 I'm burning like 780 calories in a class.

01:59:43.000 It's an hour.

01:59:44.000 It's hot as shit, and your brain just doesn't work.

01:59:48.000 And then when I get out, my serotonin levels are so high.

01:59:51.000 I feel great, and I'm calm, and I can get through the day.

01:59:56.000 I really honestly tried calling you one time.

01:59:59.000 Because you'd always said that if you don't work out, then you'd go crazy.

02:00:03.000 And I started noticing that that working out was making me sane.

02:00:07.000 And I was like, I wanted to talk to you about that.

02:00:10.000 Not working out was making you sane?

02:00:11.000 Yeah.

02:00:12.000 No, no.

02:00:13.000 Not working out is making me insane.

02:00:14.000 Oh, right, right.

02:00:15.000 The workouts were making me insane.

02:00:18.000 That's why I started going to Hot Spin.

02:00:20.000 I need to be in a class.

02:00:22.000 I can't just go for a jog because it doesn't help right now.

02:00:26.000 Well, you've got to push it, too.

02:00:28.000 When you're going for a jog, you kind of can go at your own pace.

02:00:31.000 If you're in front of that instructor, the instructor's going, come on, let's go, girls.

02:00:36.000 What I do is I sign up for 5Ks on the road.

02:00:40.000 Oh, really?

02:00:40.000 Yeah, I forced my bus driver to run a 5K the other day.

02:00:43.000 It was the first time he ran.

02:00:45.000 It's awesome, man.

02:00:46.000 5Ks, half marathons.

02:00:48.000 Marathons suck.

02:00:49.000 But those kind of things are so communal that you do them and you feel like a part of a community.

02:00:54.000 We ran through Des Moines.

02:00:55.000 It's gorgeous.

02:00:56.000 It is a trail run.

02:00:57.000 Damn, that's cool.

02:00:58.000 Fucking awesome.

02:00:58.000 That's great.

02:00:59.000 Trail runs are great.

02:00:59.000 All the whole, we take the tour bus in, park it.

02:01:02.000 Everyone gets runs in.

02:01:03.000 What's going on?

02:01:03.000 Are you taking drugs?

02:01:04.000 Yeah.

02:01:04.000 Yeah, we quit.

02:01:05.000 Oh, we didn't tell you.

02:01:06.000 Oh, yeah, we all had a drink.

02:01:08.000 So take a big sip.

02:01:09.000 Quit.

02:01:10.000 Four, Joe?

02:01:11.000 Four is like for you?

02:01:12.000 Yeah, four is good.

02:01:12.000 Yeah, that's what I take.

02:01:13.000 What is it?

02:01:14.000 It's fine.

02:01:15.000 It's not going to do anything to you.

02:01:16.000 It's just nutrients.

02:01:17.000 It's not bad.

02:01:18.000 It's not going to fuck you up.

02:01:19.000 What is it?

02:01:19.000 It's 5-HTP. L-tryptophan, which also converts to 5-HTP. Let's see.

02:01:26.000 Here, put one in Lori's drink for me.

02:01:28.000 There's some vitamins and adaptogens and stuff in there, too.

02:01:32.000 It's all good for you.

02:01:33.000 It's all healthy.

02:01:33.000 Good mood.

02:01:34.000 Yeah, that's a legit supplement.

02:01:38.000 That 5-HTP stuff is very legit.

02:01:41.000 It's really good for people that are dealing with serotonin issues.

02:01:46.000 Man, I was hurting with panic this week in the tour bus.

02:01:50.000 I couldn't shut it off.

02:01:52.000 The original name for New Mood was Roll On, Roll Off.

02:01:57.000 And the idea was Aubrey was a big partier.

02:02:01.000 And Aubrey developed some shit to come down from Mali.

02:02:06.000 So that's literally what New Mood was originally invented for.

02:02:10.000 And then we decided, you know, well, there's a lot of benefit to increasing your serotonin naturally.

02:02:15.000 Yeah.

02:02:16.000 It just really does help your mood.

02:02:17.000 I'm going to fly tonight.

02:02:19.000 Neil Brennan was a big 5-HTP proponent.

02:02:22.000 He actually couldn't take it with his meds because it was too much.

02:02:27.000 Really?

02:02:28.000 Where do you fly tonight?

02:02:29.000 I go to Dallas.

02:02:30.000 I'm in Tulsa, Oklahoma City.

02:02:33.000 Hey!

02:02:33.000 San Antonio and then Houston, but I think they're all sold out.

02:02:36.000 Say what's up to G for me.

02:02:37.000 What is G? Garth.

02:02:42.000 Where's Garth at?

02:02:44.000 I think he has a nice big old, a couple places, but a big old ranch in Tulsa, yeah.

02:02:48.000 Does he?

02:02:49.000 Yeah.

02:02:49.000 Or outside of Tulsa.

02:02:50.000 Did you ever have a part of your career where you were, where, not where, where we are kind of in like, or did you just go from like clubs to like fucking massive theaters?

02:03:00.000 Well, Tommy and I were working together first.

02:03:02.000 We were doing clubs.

02:03:03.000 Yeah.

02:03:03.000 We were doing clubs all the time.

02:03:04.000 And that was like nine years ago.

02:03:05.000 Yeah.

02:03:06.000 And then you just, you never did like, you just went to like fucking massive venues, right?

02:03:13.000 I did a lot of theaters, man.

02:03:15.000 It's all just grinding.

02:03:17.000 You went through the tears, I think.

02:03:20.000 Yeah, I went through all of it.

02:03:22.000 Yeah, I started at clubs.

02:03:23.000 I still do clubs to this day.

02:03:25.000 I still book weekends in clubs.

02:03:27.000 I'm thinking about moving to New York in December.

02:03:29.000 Why?

02:03:30.000 To work, I've got to come up with a new hour.

02:03:32.000 Why do you want to move to New York and pull your kids out of school?

02:03:34.000 No, no, just me.

02:03:35.000 Move to New York for like two weeks and just fucking do...

02:03:38.000 Two weeks, though.

02:03:39.000 Yeah, for two weeks.

02:03:40.000 Just go for two weeks and do spots like crazy.

02:03:42.000 Yeah?

02:03:42.000 And write.

02:03:43.000 You can do spots in L.A. and still see your family, bro.

02:03:46.000 Jesus, Bert.

02:03:47.000 I like shaking it up, Joe.

02:03:50.000 Shake it up.

02:03:51.000 Shake it up.

02:03:53.000 I've had that fantasy before.

02:03:55.000 Yeah.

02:03:55.000 I've had the exact same fantasy of doing that.

02:03:57.000 The fantasy came before Ari drugged me because I was like, oh, it'd be so great to be with Ari for two weeks and just go do spots with him, Big J. Get drugged.

02:04:04.000 It would be cool.

02:04:05.000 It would be cool.

02:04:06.000 But you're not friends anymore, so you can't do that.

02:04:09.000 And you can't have him over the house.

02:04:10.000 Do you know how much I love Ari?

02:04:12.000 That I have been damage control trying to take care of him in this?

02:04:16.000 I do appreciate that.

02:04:17.000 How do you take care of him?

02:04:18.000 By talking about it on a podcast?

02:04:19.000 Yeah.

02:04:19.000 No.

02:04:20.000 There was a part where I was like, I'm not going to talk about it at all.

02:04:24.000 When I asked you why you're upset, you're like, wait, we'll talk about it on the podcast.

02:04:28.000 It's the first thing you said.

02:04:30.000 It's got to talk about it on the podcast.

02:04:31.000 During the weekend, I was like, I was worried about Ari.

02:04:35.000 And I was like, maybe I shouldn't bring this up because I don't think it's a good thing.

02:04:37.000 And I think Ari maybe regrets it.

02:04:40.000 He definitely doesn't.

02:04:41.000 Look at his face.

02:04:42.000 He does not regret it.

02:04:43.000 No.

02:04:43.000 That's the real problem here, I think, is that I don't regret it.

02:04:45.000 I think that is a problem.

02:04:47.000 Yeah.

02:04:47.000 I won't do it again, but I don't regret having done it that time.

02:04:49.000 Why do you not regret for real?

02:04:50.000 Why don't you regret doing it?

02:04:51.000 It was awesome.

02:04:53.000 Nothing bad happened, and it was awesome.

02:04:55.000 And he's alive.

02:04:55.000 And his wife is mad at me again, but that's definitely not going to be the last time, or it's not the first time.

02:05:01.000 That is unfortunate, but worth it, I think.

02:05:04.000 Great time.

02:05:05.000 I would love to see the video of Burt, like, kind of him realizing it.

02:05:09.000 I have it.

02:05:10.000 Really?

02:05:10.000 When you realize it's like kicking in?

02:05:12.000 Yeah.

02:05:13.000 I remember.

02:05:13.000 I can't tell you.

02:05:14.000 I can't tell you.

02:05:18.000 I saw it today because I'm debating whether to release that podcast but I saw it and when I see it in my eyes I go back to that fucking moment where I'm like When you realize that.

02:05:28.000 You're out of control.

02:05:28.000 It's like getting strapped.

02:05:29.000 I remember getting strapped into one of the fucking hot rods.

02:05:33.000 The fucking jet-fueled ones.

02:05:37.000 And they strapped me in super tight.

02:05:39.000 And then they strapped my hands so I couldn't touch anything.

02:05:43.000 And I remember I couldn't get out.

02:05:44.000 And I had a panic attack.

02:05:45.000 And I said, I'm going to be here for a while.

02:05:48.000 And I was like, I need to get out right now.

02:05:51.000 I need to get out right now.

02:05:52.000 And I had to get out.

02:05:52.000 It was when I was doing a travel channel.

02:05:54.000 The second he gave that to me, I said, I can't get out of this.

02:05:58.000 That fucking panic.

02:05:59.000 I go, I can't fix this.

02:06:01.000 And then it overwhelmed me.

02:06:02.000 That's how I feel when I take mushrooms.

02:06:03.000 It overwhelmed me and I thought, what if I don't like this?

02:06:06.000 What if I don't enjoy this?

02:06:07.000 How do I stop this?

02:06:08.000 I can't stop it.

02:06:11.000 That's a fucking, that's a panic attack right there.

02:06:14.000 But, luckily, it was a very, it's, Molly's a really interesting drug.

02:06:18.000 It'll fight for you.

02:06:19.000 It'll be an advocate.

02:06:20.000 Molly was like, don't worry, your cousin's here, rub his back.

02:06:22.000 Can you do Molly, because you did that to him, do you think we could allow him to do Molly in October?

02:06:28.000 I would say okay.

02:06:29.000 Do you want to do it?

02:06:30.000 No, I'm not doing any Molly ever again.

02:06:32.000 Oh, okay.

02:06:33.000 Ever?

02:06:33.000 No, never.

02:06:34.000 What about November 1st?

02:06:36.000 Dude, you should have seen...

02:06:37.000 Here's what sucked about it.

02:06:38.000 As soon as he gave it to me and I felt it kick in, I went, I don't want to do this podcast.

02:06:42.000 I want to go for a walk.

02:06:43.000 I want to go dance.

02:06:45.000 I want to listen to music.

02:06:46.000 I want my children and wife not to be here.

02:06:48.000 I want to not have to explain the situation to my wife.

02:06:51.000 I want to not have to be on a plane.

02:06:53.000 So, I don't know.

02:06:54.000 Maybe I would do Molly in the future if it was an awesome concert or something in Vegas or something cool.

02:07:00.000 Sounds awesome.

02:07:01.000 Right, like Britney Spears or something?

02:07:02.000 Cool.

02:07:03.000 That'd be dope.

02:07:03.000 Dude, I would do Molly and go to Britney Spears for the whole hell of a fucking show.

02:07:06.000 You remember all the lyrics to all the songs from before?

02:07:09.000 You better work, bitch.

02:07:10.000 Yeah.

02:07:11.000 I'd go see Taylor Swift.

02:07:12.000 The best was, so I started dancing a little bit, because I knew what I was taking, so it was like embracing, kicking it in.

02:07:16.000 And he just goes out of the blue, are you on Molly right now?

02:07:18.000 And I just go, are you?

02:07:20.000 And then we just get, he was like, I don't know what that was.

02:07:22.000 Oh my god.

02:07:23.000 Yeah.

02:07:26.000 How often do you do it?

02:07:27.000 I do it when it's the right time.

02:07:29.000 I went to see Mighty Mighty Ballstones in New York at Webster Hall.

02:07:31.000 I did it that night.

02:07:32.000 You know you're an adult, right?

02:07:33.000 Yeah.

02:07:34.000 What are you doing Molly for?

02:07:36.000 What do you mean?

02:07:36.000 You know why.

02:07:37.000 Because it feels good.

02:07:38.000 It feels great.

02:07:39.000 First of all, his balls don't work, so he can't make babies.

02:07:43.000 He had them snipped.

02:07:46.000 I did have my balls snipped off.

02:07:48.000 He doesn't have real responsibilities.

02:07:49.000 None.

02:07:50.000 I think if you have more...

02:07:51.000 In the right moment, you don't do it all the time.

02:07:53.000 Just in the right music show.

02:07:54.000 How often is that?

02:07:58.000 Probably three times a year, four times a year.

02:08:00.000 Oh, okay.

02:08:01.000 That's not bad.

02:08:02.000 Yeah.

02:08:04.000 Festivals, occasional birthdays.

02:08:07.000 Maybe twice a year.

02:08:08.000 Twice a year you do coke?

02:08:09.000 I'm not that into coke.

02:08:11.000 Coke's awesome.

02:08:12.000 Really?

02:08:14.000 It's just when it's around, that's all anybody's doing.

02:08:16.000 There was real emotion behind that.

02:08:19.000 Yeah?

02:08:20.000 When was the last time you did it?

02:08:21.000 It's been a long time.

02:08:22.000 I did it on accident one night.

02:08:24.000 Accident?

02:08:24.000 Yeah, my buddies had that bullet where you'd load it and then flip it and they'd have a little bump for you and you could hit it.

02:08:31.000 And they couldn't figure out how to work it.

02:08:32.000 And I'm watching them.

02:08:33.000 I was getting ready to go to a spot.

02:08:35.000 It was when I was in New York.

02:08:36.000 I was watching.

02:08:37.000 I go, guys, you're doing it wrong.

02:08:38.000 Give me the fucking thing.

02:08:39.000 I go, you take it, right?

02:08:40.000 Then you load it.

02:08:41.000 Then we hit it.

02:08:41.000 You got to hit it.

02:08:42.000 And I went, oh my god, I just did coke!

02:08:45.000 And they were like, oh, what are you going to do?

02:08:46.000 I was like, the other fucking nostril.

02:08:47.000 I don't want my face to be numb.

02:08:49.000 Are you kidding me?

02:08:50.000 I used to do coke a lot in New York.

02:08:51.000 And then you went on stage?

02:08:53.000 And destroyed.

02:08:55.000 Joey says that Coke fucks his comedy up.

02:08:57.000 I thought he said it made him good.

02:08:59.000 He might go a little deeper than a bump.

02:09:01.000 Joey said that Coke takes away your heart.

02:09:05.000 Takes away the heart.

02:09:07.000 Imagine him, though, if you go, like, let's really do some Coke tonight.

02:09:11.000 It's not a line.

02:09:13.000 It's probably just the whole bag, man.

02:09:15.000 Yeah, the machine gun comes out.

02:09:16.000 He goes crazy, man.

02:09:18.000 I would love to get on...

02:09:21.000 What's this thing all the people take?

02:09:24.000 Adderall?

02:09:25.000 Oxycontin?

02:09:26.000 Adderall.

02:09:27.000 The Speed.

02:09:28.000 Yeah, the Speed.

02:09:28.000 That stuff, man.

02:09:29.000 That's fucking awesome.

02:09:31.000 Very, very addictive.

02:09:32.000 It is out of this fucking world.

02:09:35.000 How often do you do that?

02:09:36.000 I've done it a few times, but not recently.

02:09:38.000 I went down a YouTube rabbit hole the other day watching stories where people were talking about what Adderall did to them, what it was like when they were addicted to Adderall.

02:09:46.000 They thought the whole world was against them.

02:09:48.000 They thought they were on top of everything.

02:09:51.000 That they were super competent.

02:09:52.000 They were capable of anything.

02:09:54.000 They had unstoppable confidence.

02:09:56.000 They wouldn't shut the fuck up.

02:09:58.000 But everyone was against them.

02:10:00.000 This was being prescribed to a lot of people, right?

02:10:02.000 Yes, constantly.

02:10:03.000 Kids.

02:10:03.000 A lot of people are on it.

02:10:05.000 You get shit done.

02:10:06.000 You get shit done.

02:10:08.000 Yeah.

02:10:09.000 How did I hit the fucking mic cord?

02:10:12.000 Yeah.

02:10:13.000 It's a spooky drug, though.

02:10:15.000 First of all, journalists.

02:10:18.000 I have a buddy of mine who's a writer who says almost all journalists are on it.

02:10:21.000 Oh, it's so easy to write on?

02:10:22.000 Yeah, they're just on it constantly.

02:10:24.000 I took it when I was writing my book.

02:10:25.000 But it changes who you are as a person.

02:10:28.000 It fucks with your head.

02:10:29.000 College admissions have started, a lot of them, adding in the application.

02:10:36.000 Are you on Adderall?

02:10:37.000 Wow.

02:10:38.000 Yeah.

02:10:38.000 Really?

02:10:39.000 You gotta lie.

02:10:41.000 No, because sometimes there's a...

02:10:43.000 I talked to a doctor who said that I have to sign off on some of these things.

02:10:47.000 Where they'll ask me to fill out this form.

02:10:50.000 Do I prescribe this to this person?

02:10:52.000 Yeah.

02:10:53.000 This is fucking super common, man.

02:10:55.000 It's super common on Wall Street.

02:10:57.000 It's super common with people that are trying to get things done.

02:11:00.000 Yeah.

02:11:01.000 We should do it.

02:11:01.000 We should do it for the month.

02:11:02.000 Ooh, let's all just do it all for the month.

02:11:04.000 I could fucking really get into that.

02:11:05.000 It'd be a really hard time to get off that stuff, though.

02:11:07.000 Yeah, so that'll be the next thing.

02:11:09.000 That'll be the challenge.

02:11:10.000 Who gets off at first?

02:11:12.000 So are we really going to add that for every drink you just had a class?

02:11:15.000 I think it's a good idea.

02:11:16.000 A drink or a drug or a shot, whatever.

02:11:18.000 One of the things.

02:11:19.000 You have so many IOUs.

02:11:21.000 I would have to do 80 classes.

02:11:23.000 How about for a night of drinking?

02:11:24.000 It's out of class.

02:11:25.000 No, no, no.

02:11:26.000 Start at 10. You go nuts in a night.

02:11:28.000 No, no.

02:11:28.000 That's too easy.

02:11:29.000 That's too easy.

02:11:30.000 It's Sober October.

02:11:32.000 We're supposed to be sober.

02:11:33.000 Just be sober.

02:11:34.000 You guys love yourself.

02:11:35.000 But Ari and I already smoked a cigar.

02:11:36.000 We did already smoke a cigar.

02:11:37.000 It's kind of over.

02:11:38.000 That's permitted.

02:11:39.000 Guys, a cigar's fine.

02:11:40.000 That's how I'm planning on getting through the month.

02:11:41.000 We were pretty high.

02:11:42.000 We got silly.

02:11:42.000 I know, but cigars are fine.

02:11:44.000 We gotta allow cigars.

02:11:45.000 I'm starting smoking for this month.

02:11:47.000 Cigarettes?

02:11:47.000 You would be a fucking mess!

02:11:48.000 You ever smoke a cigarette before you go on stage?

02:11:50.000 I would love...

02:11:51.000 I took one of Hinchcliffe's cigarettes once before I went on stage, and I stole one of Chappelle's too.

02:11:55.000 He gave me a cigarette before I went on stage.

02:11:56.000 It gives you a buzz, man.

02:11:57.000 You hate cigarettes, though.

02:11:59.000 Well, I hate anything that's bad for you.

02:12:01.000 But the cigarette does give you an interesting buzz.

02:12:04.000 It is a buzz.

02:12:04.000 Me and Big Jay did one of my podcasts.

02:12:06.000 We talked about smoking.

02:12:07.000 And it was just like...

02:12:08.000 So awesome.

02:12:10.000 Headbrush.

02:12:10.000 I would love a cigarette right now.

02:12:12.000 Do it.

02:12:12.000 You gotta get into cigarettes, dude.

02:12:15.000 You know who started smoking cigarettes?

02:12:17.000 Like, regularly smoking cigarettes late in life is DePaulo.

02:12:20.000 Yeah, he did.

02:12:20.000 He started?

02:12:21.000 Like when he was 50. That's really where he started.

02:12:23.000 It's great.

02:12:23.000 It's fucking hilarious.

02:12:25.000 Do you know Maren was addicted to the lozenges?

02:12:28.000 Yeah.

02:12:29.000 And he was getting to the point where he couldn't see and getting physically ill.

02:12:32.000 He was eating so many.

02:12:34.000 He'd wake up and they'd go to sleep with him in his mouth.

02:12:37.000 God damn.

02:12:37.000 Is he off now?

02:12:40.000 Is he off now?

02:12:41.000 Yeah, he's off.

02:12:41.000 You know what I mean?

02:12:42.000 I think he's got like 14 days off in lozenges.

02:12:45.000 What?

02:12:46.000 What a fucking dumb thing to be addicted to.

02:12:48.000 Fucking dork.

02:12:49.000 He must have been really into his nicotine, man.

02:12:51.000 He's a dork.

02:12:51.000 I think he was really into nicotine.

02:12:52.000 Get off these chewing gums, fucking idiot.

02:12:56.000 Get a fucking hobby.

02:12:58.000 Come on.

02:12:59.000 He's 60 years old.

02:13:00.000 He can't get off gum.

02:13:02.000 It must be good, man.

02:13:05.000 I didn't say it was nicotine gum, right?

02:13:07.000 I said it was nicotine lozenges, right?

02:13:10.000 Yeah.

02:13:11.000 I tried the gum because I wanted to see if it gives you the same head brush.

02:13:16.000 Does it?

02:13:17.000 No.

02:13:18.000 I tried Snus in Stockholm, the packets you put on your side.

02:13:22.000 Oh, it gives you the buzz!

02:13:24.000 That buzz is better than anything.

02:13:26.000 Oh my god.

02:13:26.000 It makes you feel like there's a gun.

02:13:27.000 I remember the dip buzz was fucking intense.

02:13:30.000 Oh, I could really get into dipping.

02:13:32.000 Dipping can give you a buzz.

02:13:33.000 And that burn starts to feel good.

02:13:35.000 Can we dip this month?

02:13:35.000 Yeah!

02:13:36.000 Yeah, should we start dipping?

02:13:37.000 Yeah.

02:13:39.000 Do you like how much?

02:13:41.000 Do you like how white knuckling we're getting into this one?

02:13:45.000 We've all been here before?

02:13:46.000 You can chew.

02:13:47.000 You can smoke cigars.

02:13:49.000 You can dip.

02:13:49.000 You can smoke cigarettes.

02:13:51.000 I'm going to be getting into cigarettes.

02:13:52.000 I feel like we're not sober.

02:13:54.000 How about just socially drinking?

02:13:55.000 You just can't do it alone.

02:13:58.000 Well, what does that mean?

02:13:59.000 I mean, Bert's on stage in front of 2,000 people.

02:14:02.000 That's social.

02:14:03.000 That's a good point.

02:14:03.000 I didn't consider that, but you're right.

02:14:05.000 I think if you do anything with a needle, it should be permitted, just because it's kind of high risk, and you deserve a little bit for taking the risk.

02:14:14.000 If we do anal chugs, where you drink the booze out of your pocket, and you just absorb tampons.

02:14:19.000 Oh, oh, oh, oh.

02:14:33.000 Dude.

02:14:35.000 Dude.

02:14:39.000 Whoa.

02:14:42.000 Tampons.

02:14:42.000 Rubbing alcohol.

02:14:44.000 In your asshole.

02:14:45.000 Apparently you just get blitzkrieg.

02:14:47.000 That sounds great.

02:14:48.000 You can just stop and swap it in the plate glass windows.

02:14:52.000 Oh my god.

02:14:52.000 Holy shit.

02:14:53.000 You're just sitting there in class getting fucked up.

02:14:54.000 Can you imagine with your fucking swollen asshole what that would do?

02:14:58.000 With a tampon.

02:14:59.000 I'll go and take it.

02:14:59.000 A tampon up your asshole with rubbing alcohol.

02:15:03.000 Let's see if we can just get a tampon up your asshole first.

02:15:05.000 I bet you could do it.

02:15:07.000 I have faith in you.

02:15:07.000 Get me a tampon.

02:15:08.000 I'll try it.

02:15:10.000 You went through two different years of going a whole month with no booze.

02:15:13.000 I know how he works.

02:15:15.000 Bert, I bet you can't do it.

02:15:17.000 No way.

02:15:17.000 There's no way you could get a tampon in your asshole.

02:15:20.000 Guys, there's six tampons in my asshole.

02:15:22.000 Six tampons in my asshole?

02:15:24.000 Look, if you look, it looks like a squid.

02:15:27.000 I have a tampon for each one of my family members.

02:15:30.000 Initial results say that this is an urban legend, but there are apparently medical cases that are happening.

02:15:34.000 No, no, no.

02:15:35.000 This is my friend's wife, who is a fucking school teacher.

02:15:38.000 They have interventions on these kids.

02:15:40.000 There's articles going back for 10 years saying kids have been doing this.

02:15:43.000 Yeah, I remember a long time ago.

02:15:45.000 Dude, talk about having to break that from your kid going, hey, pull your pants down.

02:15:48.000 Did you ever anal chug?

02:15:50.000 Did you ever do that?

02:15:50.000 You did?

02:15:51.000 I thought it was just vodka.

02:15:53.000 We did anal chugs in college and it was like for a fraternity where you do a handstand, pour a beer in a dude's asshole, and then catch it in a cup and then you drink it.

02:16:00.000 You drink it out of a dude's asshole.

02:16:03.000 Fucking doofus.

02:16:04.000 ATO for life.

02:16:05.000 Oh my god, you fucking dickwads.

02:16:07.000 That's really gay.

02:16:09.000 That's really gay.

02:16:10.000 So stupid.

02:16:11.000 Oh my gosh.

02:16:11.000 You drank beer out of another man's house.

02:16:13.000 I'm talking about ingesting.

02:16:14.000 What kind of cleaning did you do of this person's asshole first?

02:16:17.000 None.

02:16:17.000 On the floor afterwards.

02:16:18.000 All you had to hear was one person go, anal chug.

02:16:21.000 And you're like, looks like we're drinking out of each other assholes, boy.

02:16:24.000 Oh my god.

02:16:26.000 Oh my god.

02:16:28.000 Wait, you never though ingested through your asshole?

02:16:30.000 No, I've never ingested.

02:16:31.000 No, I chugged it out of someone else's asshole.

02:16:33.000 No, that's fucking, that's disgusting.

02:16:34.000 That's disgusting.

02:16:35.000 I'm talking about ingesting it, you can get way drunker.

02:16:37.000 Did you see things floating around your beer?

02:16:38.000 Dingleberries?

02:16:38.000 You didn't examine it, you just murdered it.

02:16:42.000 Oh, Jesus!

02:16:43.000 How about if we can drink beer if we only do anal chugs?

02:16:47.000 Oh, God!

02:16:48.000 Only if you're Josh Martin's asshole.

02:16:50.000 That's it.

02:16:50.000 Only Josh.

02:16:51.000 Anal chug.

02:16:53.000 Or you'd do an anal chug.

02:16:54.000 If you have one ready to go, if it was the first to break Sober October, for sure, I would do an anal chug.

02:17:00.000 If you have a sip of that, I will do an anal chug.

02:17:03.000 Okay, let's talk about this.

02:17:05.000 What are the benefits of being sober this month?

02:17:07.000 What are the benefits?

02:17:08.000 Lack of a relationship with your wife?

02:17:11.000 I'm gone the whole month.

02:17:13.000 What?

02:17:13.000 I'm gone the whole month.

02:17:14.000 I had already picked up hobbies I was going to do in Florida.

02:17:17.000 Spearfishing, surfing.

02:17:19.000 Like, I was gonna do classes.

02:17:20.000 Spearfishing's supposed to be awesome.

02:17:21.000 I wanted to get into spearfishing so bad.

02:17:23.000 Do a spearfishing class?

02:17:24.000 Yeah, my friend Steve Rinella just started doing it.

02:17:26.000 And he's like, why have I been wasting my time?

02:17:27.000 It looks cool as fuck.

02:17:29.000 It's supposed to be amazing.

02:17:29.000 What's her name?

02:17:30.000 Valentin Thomas.

02:17:31.000 Valentin Thomas is a badass.

02:17:33.000 And she's like, she's not just, but like, she actually was like surviving off of it.

02:17:38.000 Bro, she was a lawyer.

02:17:39.000 Yeah, that's amazing.

02:17:39.000 And she decided I don't want to do this anymore.

02:17:41.000 That's really cool.

02:17:41.000 She just travels the world and spearfishes.

02:17:43.000 I love that shit.

02:17:44.000 When somebody's like, I'm not doing this anymore.

02:17:47.000 I'm successful and I don't care.

02:17:48.000 I don't care.

02:17:49.000 I just said Kimmy Warner on my podcast.

02:17:51.000 You know what else she likes?

02:17:52.000 Drinking.

02:17:53.000 Really?

02:17:53.000 All right, let's get back to this then, Joe.

02:17:55.000 Let's get back to drinking.

02:17:55.000 Joe, pull the plug.

02:17:56.000 Who'd you have?

02:17:57.000 Kimmy who?

02:17:57.000 Kimmy Warner.

02:17:58.000 Who's that?

02:17:59.000 She's a spearfisherman.

02:18:00.000 She was on a Netflix documentary about the ocean, and I got obsessed with her spearfishing videos.

02:18:05.000 She goes down to 100 feet and chills.

02:18:08.000 Are you going to do it?

02:18:08.000 With no air.

02:18:09.000 No air.

02:18:10.000 Just no air goes down.

02:18:11.000 And she was telling me that she just decided to get into it.

02:18:15.000 She was a chef and she wasn't having fun.

02:18:17.000 So she got into it.

02:18:18.000 Just one day bought a spear thing.

02:18:21.000 Just swam out.

02:18:22.000 And just was like, what the fuck am I doing?

02:18:25.000 But she was so out of her comfort zone.

02:18:27.000 And then she killed a fish.

02:18:29.000 And she came and she felt so proud.

02:18:30.000 She was like, I'm obsessed.

02:18:31.000 That's it.

02:18:32.000 I dropped everything.

02:18:33.000 And then she went to the spear fishing championships in Nantucket.

02:18:37.000 Right?

02:18:38.000 Right.

02:18:38.000 So she goes to Nantucka.

02:18:39.000 She's never been away from Hawaii.

02:18:41.000 And she gets out there and the water is black.

02:18:44.000 And she starts swimming down and she can't see anything.

02:18:46.000 And they're like, trust me, if you get down to the bottom 10 feet, it clears up because all the muscle's on the ground.

02:18:50.000 And she couldn't get down to the bottom.

02:18:52.000 She kept getting panic attacks.

02:18:53.000 Popping up going like, I can't do it, I can't do it.

02:18:56.000 So the first day she didn't get anything and she's like, fuck it.

02:18:58.000 I'm not going to be beaten by the ocean.

02:19:01.000 Dives down, gets down, and it's clear as shit.

02:19:03.000 She's like, shut the fuck up.

02:19:05.000 Dude, I don't know if I could do that.

02:19:08.000 Spear fishing would have to be in a beautiful place.

02:19:10.000 Yeah, it's like a Hawaii thing, right?

02:19:12.000 Yeah, Hawaii.

02:19:13.000 Seems like the Keys.

02:19:14.000 We're going to do it in Fort Myers.

02:19:15.000 They do it a lot in Northern California, but they have issues with sharks.

02:19:19.000 Dude, I'm...

02:19:21.000 One guy on Ranella's podcast was talking about as he got to the top of the boat, there was a giant boil behind him, and his friends saw this huge fucking great white shark that had come up to try to bite him and then realized last minute that he wasn't a SEAL. Oh my god.

02:19:36.000 A giant boil?

02:19:38.000 Yeah, like water boil.

02:19:39.000 Is that Kimmy?

02:19:41.000 She's got a shot with her and a great white shark.

02:19:44.000 Kimmy Warner, a great white shark.

02:19:46.000 And you're just like, yeah, check this out.

02:19:49.000 I'm scared.

02:19:51.000 She's beautiful.

02:19:52.000 She's pregnant now.

02:19:54.000 What happened?

02:19:54.000 What did you do, Bert?

02:19:55.000 No, she's married.

02:19:57.000 Did you give her Molly?

02:19:57.000 Swimmers.

02:19:58.000 He jerked off in the water with her.

02:19:59.000 That's how it works.

02:20:00.000 Jesus, is that her?

02:20:01.000 That's her.

02:20:02.000 Holding onto a great white shark.

02:20:04.000 Holding onto the fin.

02:20:06.000 No thanks.

02:20:07.000 I'd shoot that thing right in the brain.

02:20:09.000 Right from behind.

02:20:10.000 Great white sharks, I've been in the water with them a bunch.

02:20:13.000 And they move so fucking intensely.

02:20:16.000 Their intent is almost like when you watch a cage fighter move quick and you can't...

02:20:22.000 I don't know how to stop that.

02:20:23.000 That's how great white sharks are.

02:20:24.000 Just fucking...

02:20:26.000 They take a right so quick, it's mind-boggling.

02:20:29.000 And you're like, oh, I definitely couldn't defend myself against that thing.

02:20:32.000 Remember when people used to kill sharks and everybody was excited?

02:20:34.000 Yeah.

02:20:35.000 Now you're a monster.

02:20:37.000 It's all that shark fin soup.

02:20:39.000 It is so good.

02:20:40.000 I like night diving in Australia.

02:20:42.000 Shark fin soup is so good.

02:20:43.000 Really?

02:20:44.000 No, I've never had it.

02:20:46.000 I had it once.

02:20:47.000 For real?

02:20:47.000 Yeah, a long time ago.

02:20:48.000 I had it at a Chinese restaurant.

02:20:50.000 I remember ordering that.

02:20:52.000 It was before all the hubbub.

02:20:53.000 It was before this big, all the bullshit about sharks.

02:20:57.000 Shane Gillis.

02:20:58.000 Well, it was before everybody was killing them and it was like a big thing in the news.

02:21:02.000 I just thought it was like some shit you bought and was made out of shark's fins.

02:21:06.000 I didn't know they cut the fins off and then throw the fish back.

02:21:10.000 Oh, fuck, man.

02:21:10.000 Damn.

02:21:11.000 It's such a dick move.

02:21:13.000 It's a dick move.

02:21:14.000 Just use it.

02:21:15.000 Use the rest.

02:21:15.000 Well, that's the thing.

02:21:16.000 The money is in the fins, and they don't give a fuck about that animal's life.

02:21:20.000 And they really value that shark fin soup.

02:21:22.000 It's super expensive.

02:21:23.000 That's dark, but you know what the darkest shit is?

02:21:25.000 Rhino horn.

02:21:26.000 That's the darkest shit, because that doesn't even do anything.

02:21:28.000 At least shark fin soup, you're actually eating something.

02:21:32.000 But this part of the thing of it is the fact that it's an exclusive delicacy.

02:21:36.000 Right.

02:21:36.000 But the rhino horn in some Asian cultures, it doesn't do anything to you.

02:21:42.000 It's supposed to give you a hard on, but we all know that there's other stuff that works better than that.

02:21:45.000 But the rhino horn, what it does do is it symbolizes your wealth and opulence that you can afford to drink rhino horn tea.

02:21:53.000 Oh, that's fucked up.

02:21:54.000 It's great, but it's super fucking popular still.

02:21:56.000 Really?

02:21:57.000 Still, rhinos are murdered every day for their fucking horns.

02:22:02.000 Yeah, it's crazy.

02:22:03.000 And elephants too, right?

02:22:04.000 Elephants is a big thing.

02:22:05.000 Well, the elephant's for ivory though, which is more like for pretty things.

02:22:09.000 But with rhino horns, they chop their fucking horns off in these reserves.

02:22:14.000 They'll trank them and chop their horns off so that they're not worth anything.

02:22:18.000 Oh my God.

02:22:19.000 How crazy is that?

02:22:20.000 Yes.

02:22:21.000 Who does it?

02:22:21.000 The conservationists?

02:22:22.000 The fucking conservationists will chop their goddamn horns off so that people don't kill them.

02:22:26.000 And don't they also dye their horns, right?

02:22:29.000 So it looks like they're already gone?

02:22:31.000 No, they dye their horns, I think.

02:22:33.000 I thought maybe they were doing that with tusks.

02:22:34.000 I don't know.

02:22:35.000 Maybe.

02:22:35.000 Maybe they do that with tusks.

02:22:36.000 What does the dye do?

02:22:37.000 It makes it not as valuable.

02:22:39.000 I don't know.

02:22:41.000 I'm sure I'm mixing up stories.

02:22:43.000 Yeah, so what is it?

02:22:44.000 Yeah, it makes sense.

02:22:45.000 They dye them pink.

02:22:46.000 Oh, okay.

02:22:47.000 Yeah, so they're like, oh, I don't want to be gay.

02:22:49.000 Yeah, I'm trying to get a hard dick.

02:22:51.000 That's all I'm doing over here.

02:22:52.000 Gay tusk.

02:22:53.000 Gay tusk in my butt.

02:22:55.000 What drugs can't we do?

02:22:56.000 All of them.

02:22:58.000 Except for the alcohol that's in his kombucha.

02:23:00.000 You can smoke cigars because you guys smoke cigars.

02:23:01.000 So we can drink alcoholic kombucha.

02:23:03.000 For sure.

02:23:04.000 Or not.

02:23:04.000 Tell us we're done.

02:23:06.000 Or we can put vodka in kombucha.

02:23:08.000 Ari and I were saying, while we're doing it, I hope they tell us it's over.

02:23:13.000 It's just down between you two.

02:23:15.000 So then it's me and Tom going for the belt.

02:23:17.000 Yes.

02:23:19.000 I guess Ari and I are out.

02:23:21.000 That's true.

02:23:22.000 I'm going to still try to do their classes, but if I'm out, I'm still going to wear my whoop belt.

02:23:27.000 I'm still going to run.

02:23:28.000 Yeah, go ahead, guys.

02:23:29.000 Have some booze.

02:23:31.000 You already poured a glass.

02:23:33.000 You're both out.

02:23:33.000 It's me and Tom.

02:23:34.000 Are you?

02:23:35.000 Yeah, I guess we fucked up.

02:23:38.000 Sorry, guys.

02:23:39.000 It's okay.

02:23:40.000 Super disappointing.

02:23:44.000 What is a shot glass?

02:23:45.000 A little closer.

02:23:48.000 Do you remember selling shot glass?

02:23:49.000 Do you guys ever sell shot glass on the road?

02:23:51.000 No.

02:23:52.000 What a dumb thing to buy, right?

02:23:55.000 You definitely should.

02:23:57.000 Yeah.

02:23:57.000 These are gas monkey garage.

02:23:59.000 I'm trying to figure out what this is.

02:24:00.000 These are gas monkey garage.

02:24:01.000 Sell the fuck out of them, too.

02:24:03.000 I bet.

02:24:04.000 You would, but it's such a dumb...

02:24:05.000 You don't need shot glass for your house.

02:24:07.000 You just use a glass.

02:24:08.000 No, I know, but people, you know...

02:24:10.000 No, yeah, you do.

02:24:11.000 If you're doing sake bombs...

02:24:12.000 They want a portion-controlled shot.

02:24:15.000 Like Ari and I are about to do right now.

02:24:17.000 Do it.

02:24:17.000 Do it, do it.

02:24:18.000 Let's see it.

02:24:18.000 Be your own man.

02:24:19.000 Describe how good...

02:24:20.000 We did have the cigars, but you guys can't have cigars.

02:24:22.000 By the way, this would make me so fucking happy.

02:24:25.000 Would it?

02:24:25.000 Yeah.

02:24:25.000 We just tapped out?

02:24:26.000 Yeah.

02:24:27.000 We'll still do the challenge.

02:24:29.000 I mean, I'll still try to do the challenges with you.

02:24:30.000 Why would it make you happy, Bert?

02:24:32.000 Couldn't have known we failed and you did not?

02:24:34.000 Is that what it is?

02:24:34.000 Where's that build at?

02:24:35.000 It's over there.

02:24:37.000 Go look at it.

02:24:37.000 You'll never own it.

02:24:38.000 Go look at it.

02:24:40.000 Shut up, Bert.

02:24:42.000 He's gonna put it on.

02:24:45.000 It's heavy.

02:24:46.000 Jesus.

02:24:47.000 Yeah, look at that, Bert.

02:24:48.000 I almost caught my fucking neck.

02:24:50.000 I could see Bert doing, like, extra classes.

02:24:55.000 Will that even fit you?

02:24:58.000 No.

02:24:59.000 You want a hand?

02:25:01.000 Oh, it'll fit.

02:25:02.000 Come sit down.

02:25:03.000 Come sit down with that beautiful belt on.

02:25:05.000 Look at you.

02:25:07.000 Look at you Bert.

02:25:09.000 You guys take a shot and watch Tom and I go fucking toe-to-toe.

02:25:13.000 If we did back out right now and Ari and I just decided to just stop this foolish, childish game and just better ourselves for the month, I mean, Ari and I are not alcoholics.

02:25:25.000 Right.

02:25:26.000 Yeah, neither are Tom and I. Keep going.

02:25:27.000 Keep what you're saying.

02:25:28.000 I mean, but Ari and I don't even have a problem drinking.

02:25:30.000 I think you'd admit, at the very least, you have a bit of a problem.

02:25:33.000 I don't have a problem.

02:25:34.000 Don't you have a fatty liver?

02:25:35.000 No.

02:25:35.000 My liver's perfect now.

02:25:38.000 Instantly.

02:25:39.000 I can tell.

02:25:40.000 Two weeks of fucking hot spin classes.

02:25:42.000 His liver's perfect.

02:25:43.000 So what were you trying to say though, Joe?

02:25:44.000 Oh, I was trying to say.

02:25:47.000 You and I can just better ourselves this month.

02:25:49.000 We can just better ourselves.

02:25:49.000 And we could go to dinner with our ladies and just have a nice glass of wine like a gentleman.

02:25:54.000 Yeah.

02:25:55.000 A couple nights where you go for it.

02:25:56.000 Have a beer with a hot dog.

02:25:58.000 It's a nice thing to have.

02:25:59.000 Mostly chill it up.

02:26:00.000 When you're at a Yankee game, drink some beers with the guys.

02:26:03.000 Or wouldn't it feel so much better if you went the whole month without it?

02:26:06.000 And then at the end, then you could really appreciate it.

02:26:10.000 How do you even win it this month?

02:26:12.000 How do you win it?

02:26:12.000 Just beating you.

02:26:13.000 How would you beat me?

02:26:14.000 By winning?

02:26:15.000 Well, how about me and Ari?

02:26:15.000 Winning what?

02:26:16.000 How about me and Ari will back out, and you two just go to town against each other?

02:26:20.000 But wait, how are we going to town, though?

02:26:22.000 Most sobriety, most classes.

02:26:24.000 If Ari and I did, just decided to do shots.

02:26:25.000 Most sobriety, most classes.

02:26:28.000 Most sobriety.

02:26:29.000 So who could be so...

02:26:32.000 You're tied for sobriety.

02:26:34.000 You're definitely tied for sobriety.

02:26:35.000 No.

02:26:37.000 Tom can be sober easy.

02:26:39.000 Easy.

02:26:39.000 Yeah, Tom's fucking dead inside.

02:26:41.000 Dead inside.

02:26:42.000 No, it's not dead.

02:26:42.000 He's got no feelings.

02:26:43.000 What's your resting heart rate from when you're asleep?

02:26:45.000 Did you see?

02:26:46.000 No, I haven't seen.

02:26:47.000 What's yours?

02:26:47.000 Oh, Tom's is like 32. He's 35. What does that mean?

02:26:51.000 Low?

02:26:51.000 That means you're fit.

02:26:52.000 It means his heart has a really hard time getting up.

02:26:54.000 It means that if I lose 40 pounds, I might be the most dynamic endurance athlete alive.

02:27:00.000 Ever.

02:27:02.000 Run a marathon with me.

02:27:03.000 You'd be a fucking animal.

02:27:04.000 No, but that's really low, man.

02:27:06.000 Did you see yours?

02:27:07.000 Where does it show?

02:27:08.000 No.

02:27:08.000 Where does it show it?

02:27:09.000 My resting heart rate, I think, I can just tell it on my watch, too.

02:27:12.000 No, no, no, but when you sleep, it's like your true...

02:27:14.000 It was 130. 130 is mine.

02:27:17.000 130. I've got a really high heart rate today.

02:27:22.000 Let's see.

02:27:23.000 By the way...

02:27:24.000 Where does it show it?

02:27:25.000 Why is this thing...

02:27:27.000 It's our IQ. I think my app froze.

02:27:30.000 Um...

02:27:32.000 If we did back out, what would you guys do?

02:27:34.000 How would you guys work things out?

02:27:36.000 I'd just beat Tom.

02:27:38.000 You would just beat Tom doing what, though?

02:27:40.000 You're not explaining how you're going to win.

02:27:43.000 More classes than him?

02:27:44.000 More classes, more books.

02:27:47.000 Maybe not more books.

02:27:49.000 More classes, more books.

02:27:54.000 I'll take more dynamic classes.

02:27:56.000 What's that mean?

02:27:57.000 The higher level of class.

02:27:59.000 I'll take more.

02:28:00.000 I'll do not just hot spin.

02:28:01.000 I'm going to do karate.

02:28:02.000 Spanish.

02:28:04.000 I'm going to do the weirdest classes.

02:28:07.000 Transcendental meditation.

02:28:08.000 Okay.

02:28:09.000 I think if you do more classes than Tom, you would win.

02:28:13.000 The belt.

02:28:14.000 Yes.

02:28:15.000 Okay.

02:28:16.000 Now, you guys are not getting out of this.

02:28:17.000 You're not out.

02:28:18.000 No, go ahead and drink it.

02:28:21.000 Drinking it.

02:28:23.000 I don't really want to drink right now.

02:28:25.000 I wouldn't have a drink if I wasn't tempted.

02:28:27.000 For this?

02:28:28.000 Yeah.

02:28:29.000 But every minute that we don't drink, it makes it more of a waste to not have just drank it already.

02:28:35.000 Where the fuck do you find your resting heartbreak?

02:28:38.000 I just saw it when I woke up, and now I don't see it, so I don't know where it is.

02:28:41.000 Is it under strain, Coach?

02:28:43.000 Ari Shapiro Ju coming to Chicago in November and San Jose as well, Nashville, Texas.

02:28:48.000 This is so detailed.

02:28:50.000 It's so interesting how much shit this thing tells you.

02:28:55.000 Oh, look at this.

02:28:56.000 Sober October Internal.

02:28:57.000 What is that?

02:28:58.000 A group?

02:28:58.000 That's something in our app?

02:28:59.000 Wow, we have a group app.

02:29:01.000 Did you see this?

02:29:02.000 I don't know.

02:29:03.000 They've set it up for us.

02:29:04.000 If you go to Sober October...

02:29:05.000 So how do we know mine is connected?

02:29:08.000 No, yours isn't connected yet.

02:29:10.000 It just shows Bert and Tom.

02:29:12.000 Oh, I see.

02:29:13.000 Wait, where do I see this?

02:29:14.000 I want to see this, Joe.

02:29:15.000 I see it now.

02:29:16.000 I see your resting heart rate.

02:29:17.000 What is it?

02:29:18.000 Where is it?

02:29:18.000 It's in that thing.

02:29:20.000 You slide over.

02:29:21.000 Which thing?

02:29:22.000 You go...

02:29:24.000 Which one?

02:29:25.000 I don't know how to explain it, man.

02:29:27.000 It says RHR, resting heart rate.

02:29:29.000 But where do you see it?

02:29:30.000 I mean, within that internal thing.

02:29:32.000 Right.

02:29:33.000 So I'm there, and then...

02:29:36.000 But is it under strain coach?

02:29:37.000 No, swipe, swipe.

02:29:38.000 Like, swipe over a page.

02:29:40.000 Okay.

02:29:41.000 See?

02:29:41.000 And then it says recovery HRV. Well, my resting heart rate's 27. What?

02:29:46.000 Yeah.

02:29:48.000 HRV? Sleep performance, 71%.

02:29:52.000 No, that's not right.

02:29:53.000 My heart rate's on 27. No, it's not.

02:29:55.000 It's not 27, Joe.

02:29:56.000 Mine says that your resting heart rate is 65. Oh, mine says 61. Mine's 66. Yours says 78 on mine.

02:30:04.000 Oh, you can see it on other people's?

02:30:06.000 Yeah.

02:30:07.000 Oh, interesting.

02:30:08.000 How are you getting into the group thing?

02:30:10.000 Mine says 61 to 74. That's the range, but I guess it's giving me your...

02:30:14.000 How come it's not showing me?

02:30:16.000 Ooh, Sobrock Toner.

02:30:17.000 Oktomer?

02:30:18.000 Oktomer?

02:30:19.000 What?

02:30:20.000 Burt Kreischer.

02:30:21.000 So I'm winning right now.

02:30:25.000 You're winning by being more fucked up than us.

02:30:27.000 12.8.

02:30:29.000 I've burned 2,100 calories.

02:30:31.000 Yeah.

02:30:31.000 Yeah, but that's just moving your feet.

02:30:34.000 No, that's a hot spin this morning.

02:30:36.000 Dun, dun, dun.

02:30:37.000 Dun, dun, dun.

02:30:38.000 Dun, dun, dun.

02:30:39.000 Yeah, today I took the day off.

02:30:41.000 Yeah, I didn't do shit that.

02:30:42.000 I haven't done anything.

02:30:43.000 Yeah.

02:30:44.000 So I'm ahead.

02:30:45.000 So you're winning.

02:30:46.000 You're winning.

02:30:48.000 How's that belt feel?

02:30:49.000 One last thing though.

02:30:51.000 Is there seriously, like if we're all doing what we agreed to do, how can someone win?

02:30:56.000 I think if we do extra classes.

02:30:58.000 Extra classes?

02:30:59.000 Well, I mean...

02:31:00.000 That's going to trigger that fucking...

02:31:01.000 Here's the thing.

02:31:02.000 If you want to pull out the fucking, open the psycho door...

02:31:06.000 I don't want to open your psycho door.

02:31:08.000 I actually think last year you actually stopped liking me.

02:31:13.000 What?

02:31:13.000 Halfway through, I think I was bothering you.

02:31:16.000 I don't think he ever liked you.

02:31:20.000 So I don't want to open up this psycho thing.

02:31:22.000 What makes you think that?

02:31:23.000 You would look at me weird when you'd see me?

02:31:25.000 You'd look at me out of the side of your eye?

02:31:27.000 That's competition, sir.

02:31:28.000 Yeah, I didn't like that.

02:31:31.000 I don't think we should do whoever does the extra classes.

02:31:33.000 It's just going to piss everybody off again.

02:31:35.000 It's going to piss the wives off for sure.

02:31:36.000 Big time.

02:31:37.000 It's going to be a real problem.

02:31:38.000 And look, we already all have crazy travel schedules and stuff.

02:31:41.000 We don't have to do that.

02:31:42.000 Okay.

02:31:42.000 Let's go extra classes.

02:31:43.000 So how can you win?

02:31:44.000 More pages.

02:31:45.000 Damn it.

02:31:46.000 That's what I meant.

02:31:46.000 I'm just throwing it out there.

02:31:48.000 How can you win?

02:31:48.000 But the problem is, if there's a way to win, I'm going to try to win.

02:31:52.000 You can't even just put it to the side.

02:31:57.000 Nope, I don't think so.

02:31:59.000 What if we made a caveat?

02:32:00.000 What's a caveat?

02:32:02.000 Sober October winner doesn't have to defend his belt.

02:32:05.000 And that way you'll try really hard?

02:32:07.000 And that way we can get Joe out of this.

02:32:09.000 Doesn't have to defend the belt.

02:32:11.000 It's like the...

02:32:13.000 But then you lose the belt.

02:32:14.000 But you win a new belt every year.

02:32:16.000 Yeah, well, make the bad motherfucker belts.

02:32:18.000 I'd want a stack of belts.

02:32:19.000 Yeah, you'd want to get a belt again.

02:32:21.000 Otherwise, you're just out of the competition for a belt.

02:32:23.000 I'd want all the belts.

02:32:23.000 I don't want anybody to win.

02:32:26.000 I wish we could have that caveat of a drink in class, because I would love a drink before I get on my plane tonight.

02:32:31.000 You could have a drink.

02:32:32.000 You could have a drink.

02:32:34.000 Guys, we shouldn't be doing the drinking part.

02:32:36.000 We should save that for January.

02:32:38.000 Why January?

02:32:39.000 Because nothing's happening in January.

02:32:41.000 I think we should just...

02:32:41.000 The thing is, this is a problem.

02:32:43.000 Here's the problem.

02:32:44.000 We have got a bunch of other assholes that we don't even know invested in our little thing.

02:32:48.000 Yeah.

02:32:49.000 So let them come with us to drunk town.

02:32:51.000 Who wouldn't even be upset with us if we just started drinking a little bit but still trained?

02:32:56.000 We could measure what days we're drinking and doing ketamine and stuff.

02:32:58.000 Yeah, we could have a real problem.

02:32:59.000 Ketamine!

02:33:00.000 If we could stay sober and just eat edibles for the month, that works.

02:33:04.000 How about you pick your drug?

02:33:06.000 Well, sober used to mean alcohol.

02:33:09.000 It said used to mean just alcohol.

02:33:11.000 Used to mean alcohol.

02:33:11.000 Let's just stay alcohol free and then see whatever happens.

02:33:14.000 That's my thing!

02:33:14.000 Just alcohol free.

02:33:15.000 Yeah, but you're the one who got us into it.

02:33:17.000 That's my thing!

02:33:18.000 Just alcohol free.

02:33:19.000 We gotta wrap this podcast up soon.

02:33:21.000 It's almost 5 o'clock.

02:33:23.000 I mean, I don't know.

02:33:23.000 Oh, shit.

02:33:24.000 I gotta meet.

02:33:24.000 Ari and I have a show tonight.

02:33:26.000 Where are you going?

02:33:27.000 Comedy store.

02:33:28.000 Nice.

02:33:28.000 Comedy store.

02:33:29.000 Restaurant and nightclub.

02:33:30.000 Sold out.

02:33:31.000 Chicken wings.

02:33:31.000 Are fresh-ish.

02:33:33.000 They're not even wings.

02:33:34.000 They're like tenders.

02:33:34.000 Yeah.

02:33:35.000 Which is very, very questionable.

02:33:37.000 They're not that tender.

02:33:38.000 Whenever you get a tender, like, where is it from?

02:33:39.000 Like, what part of the bird is the tender part?

02:33:41.000 So then let's...

02:33:44.000 Let's get this solidified so we are all aware.

02:33:47.000 10 classes, 500 pages.

02:33:49.000 We all are in agreement with this.

02:33:51.000 And edibles under 20 milligrams.

02:33:53.000 Right?

02:33:54.000 And edibles under 20 milligrams.

02:33:55.000 And Xanax and Ambien.

02:33:57.000 Just no alcohol.

02:33:58.000 No alcohol.

02:34:00.000 Sober.

02:34:00.000 No alcohol.

02:34:01.000 If you want to do edibles under 20 milligrams, I'm in.

02:34:04.000 Sober.

02:34:04.000 No alcohol.

02:34:05.000 Does it help you sleep?

02:34:06.000 Yes.

02:34:06.000 Is that what you need it for?

02:34:07.000 That's what I like.

02:34:08.000 Well, I don't want you to not get sleep, bro.

02:34:09.000 I love you.

02:34:10.000 Thanks, guys.

02:34:10.000 I want you to be healthy.

02:34:11.000 I'd like this fucking thing to monitor good sleep.

02:34:15.000 I don't mind edibles.

02:34:18.000 I won't use them, but I don't mind giving you guys edibles if you need that to get through sobriety.

02:34:24.000 Oh, boy.

02:34:25.000 No, I mean, I'm serious.

02:34:26.000 I don't really give a fuck.

02:34:27.000 I won't eat edibles.

02:34:28.000 I'm afraid.

02:34:29.000 Well, I'm not...

02:34:30.000 Did you tell your doctor, though, that you're going to dial back drinking to get through the month?

02:34:34.000 Because if you do it cold turkey, you can get really sick.

02:34:37.000 You can get sick.

02:34:37.000 No, but you already proved it.

02:34:38.000 You can go to the hospital for that.

02:34:40.000 He's done this before.

02:34:40.000 I've done this before.

02:34:42.000 I've not drank a lot, guys.

02:34:43.000 He's done it before.

02:34:44.000 He did it the last two years.

02:34:45.000 Yeah, but you always had medical supervision.

02:34:47.000 Yeah, but he's getting older, too.

02:34:47.000 What?

02:34:48.000 I never had medical supervision.

02:34:49.000 To dial back drinking?

02:34:51.000 Yeah, just stop.

02:34:52.000 You're not supposed to do that.

02:34:53.000 Hey, you know, this is our fourth year of this shit.

02:34:56.000 What?

02:34:56.000 Fourth?

02:34:57.000 I thought third.

02:34:58.000 No.

02:34:58.000 No, you lost the weight in 2016. First year was a weight loss challenge.

02:35:01.000 Oh, okay.

02:35:01.000 And then we had two years of Sober October.

02:35:04.000 This is our fourth year of doing something crazy.

02:35:06.000 Give me a weight limit.

02:35:07.000 Give me a weight limit.

02:35:07.000 If I get to it, I get to the belt.

02:35:09.000 205. 205. I get to 205 by the end of October.

02:35:11.000 But you've got to be legit 205. I'll do a hydration test on you.

02:35:13.000 Yeah, not a water cut.

02:35:13.000 I'll bring in one FC. We're bringing the 1FC Championship people to do a fucking hydration shift.

02:35:18.000 I think even if he cuts, I mean, how to get to 205 would be a miracle.

02:35:22.000 That would be amazing.

02:35:23.000 I'll tell you that right now.

02:35:24.000 Even if you cut seven pounds at the end.

02:35:26.000 I would even compliment you.

02:35:27.000 I'll tell you this.

02:35:28.000 There is no competition.

02:35:30.000 However, if you get to 205, you could hold on to that belt for a year.

02:35:34.000 Hold on to it because I'm the champ.

02:35:36.000 You're the champ.

02:35:36.000 And if you don't get there, I get to 205. A legit 205. Yeah.

02:35:40.000 I'd say any 205. And if you don't get there, you have to go to therapy for a year to talk about your weight loss.

02:35:46.000 Hey, fuckface, guess what?

02:35:47.000 I'm back in therapy.

02:35:49.000 I'm back in therapy because of you, you cunt.

02:35:51.000 You're already in.

02:35:53.000 I've been out of therapy and then this fucking happens and I had to talk to my therapist.

02:35:56.000 Jesus.

02:35:57.000 Fucking jackass.

02:35:58.000 What'd they tell you?

02:35:58.000 You've been avoiding stuff?

02:35:59.000 I feel healthier when I'm around you guys.

02:36:02.000 I feel like I've got my shit together.

02:36:05.000 That 5-HTP fixed my brain.

02:36:07.000 Did it?

02:36:07.000 I'm feeling so much better.

02:36:09.000 Beautiful, beautiful.

02:36:10.000 I was having so much goddamn panic.

02:36:11.000 You're gonna be unrecognizable.

02:36:12.000 Take that whole bottle, man.

02:36:12.000 I'll send you more of it.

02:36:13.000 It's really good.

02:36:14.000 This says take before you go to sleep.

02:36:15.000 Give it a new bottle.

02:36:16.000 Give it a new bottle.

02:36:17.000 Give it a new bottle.

02:36:18.000 Give it a new bottle.

02:36:19.000 Give it a new bottle.

02:36:20.000 Give it a new bottle.

02:36:23.000 Give it a new bottle.

02:36:25.000 Give it a new bottle.

02:36:26.000 Give it a new bottle.

02:36:27.000 Give it a new bottle.

02:36:28.000 Give it a new bottle So, 10 classes.

02:36:34.000 500 pages of a book.

02:36:36.000 They all have to be different, or it's just 10 classes?

02:36:38.000 If you fuck up and accidentally take a drink, you need an extra class every drink.

02:36:43.000 No more than three of one class, though.

02:36:44.000 No more than three of one class.

02:36:46.000 That doesn't mean anything to me.

02:36:47.000 If you want to take jiu-jitsu every day, I think you still win.

02:36:49.000 Just 10 classes.

02:36:50.000 Or you still done it.

02:36:51.000 10 classes.

02:36:52.000 No, mix it up.

02:36:53.000 Mix it up.

02:36:54.000 It forces you to do new fun things.

02:36:55.000 But I think you should mix it up, but I don't think you should have to.

02:36:58.000 That'll be the fun part.

02:36:59.000 I'll enjoy that because whenever I go into a new class, I'll do an Insta story.

02:37:02.000 Hey guys, I'm doing goat yoga.

02:37:04.000 If you want to do that, you can do that.

02:37:06.000 But I think what's important is that you do something to better yourself.

02:37:09.000 I mean, if you want to take 10 tactical classes, take that.

02:37:12.000 If you want to do 10 yoga classes, take that.

02:37:14.000 If you want to do 10 jiu-jitsu classes, take that.

02:37:16.000 500 pages of a book can't be a children's book.

02:37:19.000 I think, agreed?

02:37:19.000 500 pages of one book?

02:37:21.000 Any book.

02:37:22.000 Two books.

02:37:23.000 It has to be two books.

02:37:23.000 I'm not going to read a five-page book.

02:37:25.000 You can read a hundred pages of five different books if you want to just fucking...

02:37:28.000 I like doing that.

02:37:29.000 One of the things I like doing is I like reading a couple chapters of a book and then I get bored and I pick up another book.

02:37:34.000 You could also read this big print, you know?

02:37:37.000 Huge print.

02:37:38.000 Crayons.

02:37:39.000 Ten-page books, just a bunch of them.

02:37:40.000 Yeah, you could read Watchmen.

02:37:42.000 Okay, so we all...

02:37:43.000 No comic books.

02:37:44.000 Read a real book.

02:37:46.000 No children's books.

02:37:48.000 Ten.

02:37:50.000 Anything else?

02:37:51.000 We're going to have to get to reading.

02:37:53.000 What about Tom and his addiction to edibles?

02:37:57.000 No, I'll cut.

02:37:58.000 I'll cut it.

02:37:59.000 No, no.

02:37:59.000 We should also be able to do edibles and some sort of like...

02:38:03.000 Meth.

02:38:04.000 Amphetamine.

02:38:06.000 Be it methamphetamine or MDMA. What if you have a prescription for Adderall and you don't want to...

02:38:11.000 What about prescription drugs, period?

02:38:13.000 Yeah, what about prescription Xanax?

02:38:15.000 I could take one right now.

02:38:16.000 Well, are you on Xanax?

02:38:18.000 Did they give you it?

02:38:18.000 I have a prescription for panic attacks.

02:38:20.000 You probably should take it if you're panicking.

02:38:21.000 Are you panicking?

02:38:22.000 What are you thinking about?

02:38:23.000 Your heart?

02:38:23.000 How's it beating?

02:38:24.000 Is it weird?

02:38:26.000 Can I tell you?

02:38:26.000 I'm super aware right now.

02:38:28.000 Do you feel like your liver's chubby?

02:38:30.000 No.

02:38:31.000 My liver's perfect.

02:38:33.000 205. The goal weight.

02:38:34.000 If you get to 205, you get the belt, man.

02:38:37.000 205, you get the belt.

02:38:38.000 Yeah, because I'm not even contesting it.

02:38:40.000 This is good for me.

02:38:41.000 That's two pounds a day.

02:38:42.000 It's not a challenge.

02:38:44.000 I don't have to say, I'll get to 160. Jesus, that scared the fuck out of me just thinking about that.

02:38:50.000 Thinking 160?

02:38:51.000 Just saying it.

02:38:53.000 But we're not all going to be here in November.

02:38:56.000 You're gone.

02:38:57.000 You're gone.

02:38:57.000 Yeah, but I'm here.

02:38:58.000 I don't go for long stretches like this.

02:39:00.000 When's my way in?

02:39:01.000 If I do get to 205, when?

02:39:02.000 When are you here?

02:39:03.000 When are you here?

02:39:04.000 November 1st?

02:39:06.000 I'm here.

02:39:06.000 I'm here with November 1st.

02:39:08.000 No.

02:39:08.000 November 1st, I'm here.

02:39:09.000 November 2nd is the UFC. No, okay.

02:39:11.000 I think you're flying the 1st.

02:39:13.000 No, I don't.

02:39:14.000 You're flying the 31st.

02:39:16.000 What do you mean?

02:39:16.000 What are you looking at?

02:39:18.000 The first is November or Saturday.

02:39:20.000 The first is Friday.

02:39:23.000 Where are you going to be November 1st?

02:39:25.000 Who's fighting?

02:39:27.000 Maybe I'll come weigh in at the UFC. You want to go to the fights?

02:39:32.000 Yeah, I do.

02:39:32.000 You can weigh in at the UFC. Oh, come to the fights.

02:39:35.000 Weigh in at 205 at the UFC. That's Nate Diaz, Jorge Masvidal.

02:39:38.000 Shut the fuck up!

02:39:39.000 New York City.

02:39:40.000 Oh my god!

02:39:41.000 I've been a fan of Jorge Masvidal for so long.

02:39:43.000 I will bring that belt and if you can make 205, I will hand it to you on stage at the UFC weigh-ins.

02:39:50.000 Wow.

02:39:53.000 You're fucking my head up, Joe!

02:39:54.000 I will set it up with the UFC so that you can weigh in.

02:39:59.000 Oh, come on, dude.

02:40:00.000 You should do that.

02:40:01.000 I will 100% do that for you, Bert.

02:40:03.000 Except for the fact that you can never weigh 205. So we can stream it live.

02:40:07.000 We can stream it live.

02:40:09.000 You won't do it, but this is an awesome challenge.

02:40:11.000 Listen, we'll stream it live.

02:40:12.000 How much do you weigh?

02:40:13.000 230, 260, 260, 260. That ain't shit.

02:40:16.000 A pound a day?

02:40:18.000 That ain't shit.

02:40:19.000 100%.

02:40:19.000 That ain't shit.

02:40:20.000 You could do that.

02:40:21.000 Fighters do way more than that.

02:40:23.000 You could cut that.

02:40:23.000 I know fighters who cut 30 pounds in two days.

02:40:27.000 No, it's not healthy.

02:40:28.000 But you can lose the 30 pounds in a month healthy.

02:40:31.000 You can lose a pound a day.

02:40:32.000 Yeah, man.

02:40:33.000 You have weight to lose.

02:40:35.000 No sugar.

02:40:36.000 No bread.

02:40:37.000 All vegetables.

02:40:39.000 And cut way back on your portions.

02:40:41.000 Vegetables and salmon.

02:40:43.000 Way back on the portions.

02:40:45.000 Way back.

02:40:46.000 But if you make 205, I will bring that fucking belt to New York City and I'll put it on you on the fucking stage where the UFC fighters weigh in and we'll stream it live.

02:40:57.000 And if you don't, it'll be very embarrassing.

02:40:59.000 If I don't, I'm not going to fly to New York.

02:41:02.000 Dude, if you do, it'll be amazing.

02:41:03.000 If I do, it'll be amazing.

02:41:04.000 But 205 is such a...

02:41:06.000 Shut the fuck up, pussy.

02:41:07.000 That means you have to be 211 the day before.

02:41:09.000 Listen, man.

02:41:10.000 And just not eat up at night and go into the West.

02:41:12.000 Listen, man, you can do it.

02:41:13.000 You can do it.

02:41:14.000 Cut water weight.

02:41:14.000 You just can't fuck around like you did with Tom.

02:41:16.000 With Tom, you played ketchup.

02:41:18.000 You tried to do it all real towards the end.

02:41:21.000 And he drank the whole time.

02:41:22.000 Do you have any genes that could help you with this?

02:41:24.000 Yeah, he drank the whole time.

02:41:25.000 Tom was grinding.

02:41:26.000 He was grinding the entire time.

02:41:27.000 He was drinking nothing but water the whole month.

02:41:29.000 And he barely beat you.

02:41:31.000 A few pounds.

02:41:33.000 Two pounds, maybe?

02:41:34.000 Yeah, you could have got ahead of him early and set a pace that he couldn't keep up with.

02:41:39.000 He did his best, and he only beat you by a few pounds.

02:41:43.000 No way.

02:41:44.000 Wait, wait.

02:41:44.000 But there's no way you can do that, right?

02:41:46.000 Yeah, you can do it!

02:41:46.000 Stop!

02:41:47.000 Stop, guys!

02:41:49.000 We're coaching them here.

02:41:49.000 I used to host Fear Factor.

02:41:51.000 Listen, you can do it.

02:41:53.000 205. You can 100% do it.

02:41:55.000 You weigh in 205, you get the belt.

02:41:57.000 And this is great for me because there's no chance.

02:42:00.000 There you go.

02:42:00.000 Look at that.

02:42:01.000 The two of you.

02:42:03.000 So happy!

02:42:04.000 Everybody's happy!

02:42:06.000 The thing is, if you weigh, if you do do it, and you weigh 205, for me, I don't need that belt.

02:42:13.000 It's all you, man.

02:42:14.000 You can have it.

02:42:14.000 On the UFC stage, Madison Square Garden?

02:42:16.000 Yes.

02:42:17.000 Well, let that marinate on your flight.

02:42:18.000 You gotta go, man.

02:42:19.000 Yeah, all right.

02:42:20.000 Okay.

02:42:20.000 Yeah, because you're only going to think about it if you say marinate.

02:42:22.000 Yeah, marinate.

02:42:23.000 Oh, that's booze.

02:42:24.000 We use booze to marinate sometimes.

02:42:26.000 Sometimes.

02:42:27.000 All right, that's it, everybody.

02:42:28.000 Thanks, Joe.

02:42:29.000 Thank you.

02:42:30.000 Thank you, Joe.

02:42:30.000 Thank you.

02:42:31.000 Bye.

02:42:31.000 Bye, everybody.

02:42:32.000 Happy Silver October, everybody.

02:42:35.000 Peace.

The Joe Rogan Experience - October 01, 2019

Joe Rogan Experience #1358 - Sober October 3

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