The Joe Rogan Experience - Joe Rogan Experience #1362

00:00:02.000 Lenny Clark!

00:00:03.000 That's right.

00:00:03.000 How are you, brother?

00:00:04.000 Joe, I gotta tell you.

00:00:06.000 Let me stop by saying thank you.

00:00:07.000 My pleasure.

00:00:08.000 I can't believe the amount of people that stopped me since I did your parking.

00:00:13.000 Because you asked me a couple years ago.

00:00:15.000 I didn't even know what a podcast was.

00:00:16.000 So I did that from the moment I left here.

00:00:19.000 I went down to Venice Beach.

00:00:20.000 Guys were watching the podcast in their car.

00:00:24.000 So then, everywhere I go, from captains of industry, a homeless guy, the other day at Harvard Square goes, Lenny Clark, I saw you in the Rogan podcast, you were awesome!

00:00:32.000 Homeless guys have phones now.

00:00:33.000 A homeless guy, I'm going, how did you see it?

00:00:35.000 He goes, I see it, see it on the YouTube!

00:00:39.000 That's how you know the progress of technology.

00:00:41.000 Homeless guys have phones and they watch YouTube.

00:00:43.000 Oh, so I'm doing Matty Siegel.

00:00:44.000 He's trying to rush me out of the studio the other day.

00:00:46.000 And I said, well, you know, I'm not going to mention you.

00:00:49.000 Oh, my God!

00:00:50.000 He goes, you talked about me on Rogue and everyone called in.

00:00:52.000 He was all excited, so we said to say hello.

00:00:54.000 Hello, Matty Siegel.

00:00:55.000 Matty in the morning in Boston.

00:00:57.000 Yeah.

00:00:58.000 Ever since back in the day when I was delivering newspapers, Matty in the Morning was on the radio.

00:01:03.000 I used to listen to him on the radio when I was on my paper route.

00:01:05.000 Him and Charles Laquadera, the mattress, the morning mattress.

00:01:09.000 The morning mattress, yeah.

00:01:10.000 And then Mark Parenteau.

00:01:12.000 Yeah.

00:01:12.000 Did Mark pass away?

00:01:14.000 Yes, he did.

00:01:14.000 And I went to see him a week before.

00:01:16.000 He was at the Mass General.

00:01:17.000 And I went up to him and I had him laughing.

00:01:19.000 And then I said, do you have the aid?

00:01:21.000 He goes, no.

00:01:22.000 So I said, I'll kiss you goodbye.

00:01:23.000 Yeah.

00:01:25.000 You wouldn't kiss me off AIDS. I said, well, I love you, man, but I'm not here for the trip with you.

00:01:29.000 He did the five after five funnies and blew up comedy.

00:01:34.000 I mean, every time I did that show- A lot of comics owe him a lot.

00:01:37.000 Oh, I owed him a lot.

00:01:38.000 He was a great, great guy.

00:01:39.000 And then they also had the comedy riot, the WBCN comedy riot.

00:01:42.000 Exactly.

00:01:42.000 Exactly right.

00:01:43.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:01:45.000 Radio, this though, doing this is like Carson was 20 years ago.

00:01:50.000 That's how big it is.

00:01:51.000 I mean, really, people from all walks of life, especially the kids, man.

00:01:55.000 The millennials, I don't even know what they are, but they love the show, man.

00:01:58.000 What comes after the millennials?

00:01:59.000 What's the new thing?

00:02:00.000 Well, I'm just glad we got over that Generation X. I didn't like that.

00:02:03.000 What are you?

00:02:04.000 I don't know.

00:02:04.000 I'm a baby boomer.

00:02:05.000 You're a baby boomer.

00:02:06.000 I'm a baby boomer.

00:02:07.000 How old are you now?

00:02:07.000 I'm elderly.

00:02:08.000 66. I could ride the bus for a time.

00:02:10.000 You look great.

00:02:11.000 Well, not bad for 66, right?

00:02:12.000 You look fucking great.

00:02:13.000 Oh, thank you, man.

00:02:14.000 Especially all the coke and bones you did.

00:02:15.000 Oh, okay.

00:02:16.000 And you're fucking alive and ticking.

00:02:18.000 I think I'm going to donate the body to science just so they can save the others.

00:02:22.000 They're going to run some tests on you.

00:02:23.000 What?

00:02:25.000 No one thought I'd make it.

00:02:27.000 No one thought I'd make it past 25. Well, your era was such a great era of stand-up, and we've talked about that so many times, but you guys in the fucking 80s, really before I came along, because I came along in 88, and you guys before I came along, you were fucking partying hard.

00:02:43.000 Well, you know, Joe, it was like...

00:02:45.000 You could do whatever you want.

00:02:47.000 We started comedy in Boston, so there were no rules.

00:02:50.000 And if there were any rules, we'd break the rules.

00:02:51.000 And we made up our own rules.

00:02:53.000 And that's why, like, today, you see how it is.

00:02:55.000 Today, I really enjoy working theaters, but the clubs, you know, the other day, this person heckled me.

00:03:03.000 I hate it.

00:03:03.000 People say, you're so good with hecklers.

00:03:04.000 You know why?

00:03:04.000 Because I hate them.

00:03:05.000 I don't want to deal with them.

00:03:06.000 I want to do the show.

00:03:07.000 I want to create.

00:03:08.000 I want to make sense.

00:03:08.000 But they throw you off.

00:03:10.000 You're getting going, and they're breaking my mind.

00:03:11.000 And you say shit that you go, oh, and they start crying.

00:03:15.000 I go, why are you fucking with me?

00:03:18.000 I'm trying to do a show for you.

00:03:20.000 I had a guy approach me.

00:03:22.000 I'm sorry to interrupt you.

00:03:23.000 I had a guy, I did a thing for Dana Farber the other night.

00:03:26.000 Raised more money than they ever had raised.

00:03:28.000 It was great.

00:03:29.000 Everyone's saying, oh, thank you.

00:03:29.000 What is Dana Farber?

00:03:30.000 Dana Farber.

00:03:32.000 It's cancer, cancer research.

00:03:34.000 It's like the Jimmy Fund and stuff like that.

00:03:36.000 So they asked me to do it.

00:03:37.000 I said, sure, I'll do it.

00:03:38.000 So it was nice.

00:03:39.000 It was beautiful.

00:03:39.000 Big event, the Mandarin Oriental, fantastic living.

00:03:42.000 And this guy comes up to me and goes, you know, everyone likes you, but I hate you.

00:03:47.000 I want to rip your face off.

00:03:49.000 And I go, hey, it's nice to meet you too, right?

00:03:51.000 So he grabs my water and I go, you can have it.

00:03:53.000 And I walk away to take a picture.

00:03:54.000 So I come back and he goes, here's your water.

00:03:56.000 I go, oh, you can have it.

00:03:57.000 And I go, you know, I don't know why people like you, but I hate you, and I want to rip your face off.

00:04:04.000 Still?

00:04:04.000 Yeah, he said, we had this conversation, so now people come over.

00:04:07.000 Hey, Lenny, can we talk?

00:04:08.000 Get the fuck away from us, and he's screaming at people.

00:04:10.000 He goes, you attacked my father on stage 20 years ago on a Thursday night at Granite Lakes.

00:04:17.000 I'm going, hey, pal, I don't remember what I did last Thursday.

00:04:20.000 Say hi to your father.

00:04:21.000 He's done!

00:04:21.000 Hey, man, I had nothing to do with it.

00:04:23.000 I've been here all night.

00:04:24.000 Guy was insane.

00:04:25.000 They eventually had him escorted out by security.

00:04:29.000 It was really wild.

00:04:30.000 Jesus Christ.

00:04:31.000 Well, it shows you hecklers make weak babies.

00:04:35.000 Oh, man, yeah.

00:04:36.000 They make dumb kids.

00:04:37.000 Don't fuck with somebody.

00:04:39.000 I mean, I've been doing it 42 years.

00:04:41.000 I've been married two or three times.

00:04:44.000 There's a lot of shit I've covered.

00:04:45.000 You're not going to surprise me.

00:04:48.000 That's a hilarious take on it.

00:04:50.000 You can have that water.

00:04:50.000 Yeah.

00:04:54.000 I've never had security in my life, you know, because I'm a man of the people.

00:04:58.000 I still take the T just for shits and giggles, but I mean, you know, wow, crazy.

00:05:03.000 Yeah, wow.

00:05:04.000 Because I'm thinking, punch him in his throat, and he'll just drop to his knees, and no one will even know what happened.

00:05:08.000 I'll say, We need a medic, you know?

00:05:11.000 And then I was going to whisper, why don't you meet me outside 10 minutes ago?

00:05:13.000 I can't do that, man.

00:05:15.000 I was all dressed nice.

00:05:17.000 If you're going to punch someone in the throat, though, the problem is sometimes you nick the chin.

00:05:20.000 The real way to do it is this.

00:05:22.000 This with your hand.

00:05:23.000 Just slam that fucking thing in the throat.

00:05:26.000 Right in there.

00:05:26.000 That's how you do it.

00:05:27.000 If you punch someone in the throat, first of all, you could say, I pushed him away from me.

00:05:33.000 I fucked that up.

00:05:35.000 Now, someone's going to say, oh, episode 1003. That's what he does.

00:05:40.000 But that's how you, if you want to hit someone in the throat, you don't want to really hurt them.

00:05:46.000 You want to get them the fuck away from you.

00:05:47.000 Just use your open hand like that.

00:05:49.000 Your open hand.

00:05:51.000 Just like that.

00:05:52.000 It's amazing how much force you can generate with your hand like that and just slam it into someone's throat.

00:05:56.000 And you don't have to wind up.

00:05:58.000 No, this is a gentle, this is a tender area.

00:06:03.000 It's very vulnerable.

00:06:03.000 Well, that's what's going through my mind.

00:06:05.000 This guy is screaming at me, right?

00:06:07.000 I couldn't believe it.

00:06:09.000 I said, Jesus, you know.

00:06:10.000 Yeah, it's unfortunate.

00:06:12.000 But there's always going to be fucking people that are unhinged.

00:06:15.000 There's always going to be people that can't hang.

00:06:17.000 But what's really amazing, Lenny, is the amount of shows that we do, how many people keep it together.

00:06:23.000 Yes.

00:06:24.000 Live show.

00:06:25.000 Ladies and gentlemen, Lenny Clark.

00:06:26.000 It's all live.

00:06:27.000 It's happening.

00:06:28.000 You know, I said that the other night.

00:06:29.000 This is not some program thing.

00:06:32.000 I don't know where I'm going.

00:06:34.000 You treat me good, I'll treat you better.

00:06:36.000 You fuck with me, I'll follow you home and burn your house to the ground.

00:06:39.000 I just want to make you laugh.

00:06:41.000 I have no hidden agenda.

00:06:43.000 I'm paying the bills, you know what I mean?

00:06:45.000 To do stand-up now is so much different than before because you can't say words.

00:06:54.000 You can, but it's dangerous.

00:06:57.000 No, not me.

00:06:58.000 I can't.

00:06:59.000 No, you're looking at an old white man.

00:07:01.000 A couple more years down the road, I'll be able to say whatever I want.

00:07:04.000 He's just elderly.

00:07:05.000 I mean, I saw a paper the other day.

00:07:07.000 Some kids beat up this 63-year-old guy, and there's a big federal case against him because he's elderly.

00:07:14.000 I go, I'm 66, you know?

00:07:16.000 And I'm not going down like that guy, you know what I mean?

00:07:19.000 These kids are going to be surprised.

00:07:21.000 They're going to go, look, I'm elderly.

00:07:24.000 Oh, Jesus Christ.

00:07:26.000 Yeah, I just, I hope, Joe, I really do, that this is all...

00:07:32.000 A cycle?

00:07:33.000 Yes.

00:07:34.000 Yeah.

00:07:34.000 Cyclical.

00:07:35.000 Well, either way, it works for me.

00:07:37.000 Because you know where I was going when I went like this.

00:07:39.000 Do you think it'll come back?

00:07:41.000 I think it's coming around already.

00:07:42.000 Yeah, I do.

00:07:44.000 I think people are tired of political correctness, and they also realize that there's good aspects to political correctness, right?

00:07:51.000 It's good to be kind to people.

00:07:52.000 It's good to be nice.

00:07:53.000 It's not good to shit on the downtrodden and punch down on people that are disenfranchised.

00:07:58.000 I'd rather have you as a friend than an enemy.

00:08:01.000 I really would.

00:08:01.000 Because a lot of times, you forget your enemies.

00:08:04.000 You're at a party going, oh shit, I forgot I fucking hate you!

00:08:08.000 Have you ever had that happen to you?

00:08:11.000 I'd rather...

00:08:13.000 And people say, well, you don't worry what people think.

00:08:16.000 What people think is usually what you are.

00:08:18.000 If you're a dick, people are going to think you're a dick.

00:08:21.000 I'd rather be a nice guy.

00:08:22.000 I've gotten way, way better just letting shit go.

00:08:24.000 I don't care.

00:08:25.000 I mean, holding grudges and wanting to get back at someone, that's nonsense.

00:08:28.000 It's for fools.

00:08:29.000 There's people that they fucking...

00:08:33.000 They grind on it all day.

00:08:36.000 They'll hate someone and they just want to talk about that person all fucking day.

00:08:41.000 It's always a waste of time.

00:08:42.000 It's a waste of time.

00:08:43.000 It doesn't do you any good.

00:08:44.000 Just let it go.

00:08:46.000 Let it go.

00:08:47.000 As you get older.

00:08:49.000 I've got quite a few years on you.

00:08:50.000 I'm in that thing now because someone told me holding a grudge is like drinking poison and wanting the other person to die.

00:08:59.000 I don't have time for that.

00:09:01.000 I've got other problems I'm dealing with.

00:09:03.000 I think that quote is for jealousy, but it applies with both things.

00:09:06.000 There you go.

00:09:06.000 It applies to both things.

00:09:08.000 It's foolish.

00:09:09.000 It's like, look, I want people to get, if you and me have a dispute, I'd like you to get over it.

00:09:15.000 I'd like to get over it, too.

00:09:16.000 I'm not into, like, having enemies for life.

00:09:18.000 Those people that want enemies for life, they don't know what a real enemy is.

00:09:21.000 Oh, I know.

00:09:22.000 You don't know what a real enemy is.

00:09:23.000 You're a paper tiger.

00:09:25.000 You're just talking.

00:09:26.000 This is nonsense.

00:09:27.000 Like, real enemies, they want to kill you.

00:09:30.000 And if you don't want to kill me, I don't want to kill you.

00:09:32.000 So let's just stop.

00:09:33.000 Just let it go.

00:09:34.000 It's a push.

00:09:35.000 It's nonsense.

00:09:35.000 Yeah, it's a push.

00:09:36.000 Let it go.

00:09:37.000 It's most disputes.

00:09:39.000 Look, we're all different at different points in the day, at different times in our life.

00:09:44.000 You know, you catch me and I just got in some sort of a fucking dispute with somebody and then I'm in my car, I'm going to behave very differently than if I just got a hug from my kids and then I get in my car.

00:09:55.000 You know what I mean?

00:09:56.000 Everybody's different at different points in their life.

00:09:57.000 You might have just got fired.

00:09:59.000 You might have just come out and somebody keyed your car.

00:10:02.000 Someone's having a bad day.

00:10:03.000 You met them on a bad day.

00:10:05.000 And I usually am more than willing to give people the benefit of the doubt.

00:10:09.000 Shy people are often misunderstood.

00:10:12.000 And I've learned that 30 years ago.

00:10:15.000 If someone's shy, it's not that they're shy.

00:10:19.000 They're afraid to be friendly.

00:10:20.000 And give them the benefit of the doubt.

00:10:22.000 Don't hate someone just because they're afraid to say hello.

00:10:25.000 Yeah.

00:10:27.000 People deal with all kinds of different social issues.

00:10:30.000 A lot of people that hold grudges and that are angry, what they're really doing is they're distracting themselves from their own failures.

00:10:38.000 That's really what they're doing.

00:10:39.000 I said this in one of the last podcasts, but I'll repeat it because it's very important.

00:10:44.000 The way I look at life is I have bandwidth.

00:10:47.000 Let's say I got a hundred points.

00:10:49.000 I don't have any points for anybody I don't care about.

00:10:52.000 I don't have any time for that.

00:10:53.000 I have time for things that I care about and the people that I love.

00:10:57.000 That's what I have time for.

00:10:59.000 And those other things, if I have to deal with them, I deal with them.

00:11:01.000 And then as soon as I can get them out of my head, I'm gone.

00:11:03.000 I have 100 points of bandwidth.

00:11:06.000 And those 100 points, I'd like to use 100 of them on things that I love and things that I care about.

00:11:11.000 And that's it.

00:11:12.000 Positive.

00:11:32.000 It's not going to be as good as 100%.

00:11:33.000 You're not going to do as good with your comedy.

00:11:36.000 You're not going to do as good as whatever the fuck you do.

00:11:38.000 If you're a sculptor, a painter, you're making music, you know, a certain amount, art requires a certain amount, I think, some art, requires a certain amount of angst and uncomfortable feeling and just something that allows you to dig deep into your emotions and create something.

00:11:55.000 And sometimes out of anger and hate, you can get some fucking amazing comedy.

00:11:59.000 Oh!

00:11:59.000 Those are my best stuff ever.

00:12:01.000 Yes, but you gotta treat it like that.

00:12:03.000 Like, don't bring it home with you.

00:12:05.000 Don't carry it around.

00:12:06.000 I mean, like, a bad show, when I first started, I'd be upset for a weekend.

00:12:12.000 Now it's like, you know, by the time I hit the car, I go, oh, I love this song.

00:12:17.000 That still bothers me.

00:12:19.000 That's my number one problem.

00:12:20.000 Really?

00:12:21.000 If I fuck up on stage, even if I fuck up one bit and get a standing ovation, that one bit will fucking haunt me.

00:12:26.000 I will go home by myself, sitting in front of the TV, and just go, fuck, fucking shit.

00:12:31.000 And then I'll just write it out again, and I'll practice it again.

00:12:35.000 How long will you stick with a bit that, to you, is very funny, but it's not working for the crowd?

00:12:42.000 That's a problem.

00:12:44.000 I had a bit that I was doing for a while about the Second Coming Project.

00:12:47.000 The Second Coming Project was a group of people back in the day when genetics – when they first started applying genetic research and what they were going to do is these people wanted to take – Samples of tissue from the Shroud of Turin.

00:13:05.000 Do you remember what the Shroud of Turin is?

00:13:06.000 Yeah, it came off the face of Jesus.

00:13:08.000 They thought it came off the face of Jesus.

00:13:09.000 They found out later through carbon testing that it was really only a couple hundred years old.

00:13:13.000 But when these people, before they...

00:13:15.000 Whose face did it come off?

00:13:17.000 Did they ever figure it out?

00:13:18.000 It's fake.

00:13:19.000 I didn't know the Shroud of Turin was fake.

00:13:21.000 Google that.

00:13:22.000 Google the Shroud of Turin.

00:13:24.000 They did a test on it.

00:13:24.000 I think it turned out to just only be a few hundred years old.

00:13:28.000 Anyway, what they were going to try to do is they were going to try to take DNA from that and then clone Jesus.

00:13:35.000 And so the bit I had was that, you know, with Dolly the Sheep, they tried to clone Dolly the Sheep a bunch of times.

00:13:45.000 Like, it wasn't as simple as the first time they did it, it worked out.

00:13:49.000 I'm like, what if they clone Jesus and he comes back with some birth defects?

00:13:53.000 Like, what do they do?

00:13:54.000 Do they kill him and starve from scratch?

00:13:56.000 Do they do it again?

00:13:57.000 Like, what if Jesus, like, what if they cloned Jesus and he had Down Syndrome?

00:14:01.000 So I had this whole bit about Jesus with Down Syndrome, and then instead of a cross, he had a hockey helmet, and then, like, the power, like, he would turn dog shit into cookies.

00:14:11.000 Like, he had, like, instead of turning water into wine, it was a terrible bit, but I thought it was so funny.

00:14:16.000 At the time?

00:14:18.000 How long did you do this before you gave up on it?

00:14:20.000 I hung in there for a few months.

00:14:22.000 Really?

00:14:22.000 I hung in there for a few months.

00:14:23.000 I was trying to figure out a way.

00:14:25.000 I'm down to like three shots.

00:14:27.000 I throw three shots.

00:14:28.000 It's not working.

00:14:29.000 And yet, when you're with friends, funny friends, people you hang out with, you'll say, oh my God, you should use that.

00:14:35.000 No, it doesn't work.

00:14:36.000 Well, sometimes you just gotta let it go and put it aside and then come back to it later.

00:14:41.000 Just come back to it with fresh eyes.

00:14:43.000 Sometimes.

00:14:44.000 But, you know, Chris Rock, that bit that he had for years, he had this bit, there's black people and then there's the N-word.

00:14:51.000 That bit, he said, he bombed with that bit for like a fucking year.

00:14:55.000 He couldn't get it to work right.

00:14:57.000 People would get mad at him.

00:14:58.000 And then it became one of the greatest bits of all time.

00:15:01.000 Because he stuck with it and he figured it out and he worked at it.

00:15:04.000 But, you know, he's a crazy...

00:15:05.000 He's a craftsman.

00:15:06.000 He's a guy that will go over his material and run it by other comics and they'll work on it.

00:15:14.000 I mean, that's one of the greatest bits of all time.

00:15:17.000 And he stuck through it because he just knew there was something there.

00:15:21.000 I mean, there's those two.

00:15:23.000 It's hard.

00:15:24.000 I knew that the Second Coming Project was never going to be one of those, though.

00:15:28.000 Too fucked up.

00:15:29.000 It was just too fucked up.

00:15:31.000 But I remember I did it one time at the comedy store and some lady goes, NEXT SUBJECT! Oh my god.

00:15:36.000 She yelled out.

00:15:37.000 Oh god.

00:15:41.000 She was screaming at me.

00:15:42.000 I hate you.

00:15:43.000 She was screaming at me.

00:15:44.000 Next subject!

00:15:45.000 I'll never forget that lady.

00:15:47.000 And I started laughing when she said it, which was even worse.

00:15:50.000 I got an old lady story, but we lived at the barracks.

00:15:53.000 There's 14 comedians living in that place in Harvard Square.

00:15:56.000 I don't know if you ever came by, because I was pretty high back then.

00:15:58.000 The barracks was an apartment that Mike and I had, and we opened it.

00:16:02.000 What year was this?

00:16:03.000 Oh, God, it was...

00:16:06.000 In the beginning.

00:16:08.000 So it was probably before my day.

00:16:09.000 I came in in 88. And by Mike, you're saying Mike Clark.

00:16:13.000 Yeah, right.

00:16:14.000 So we had this house and it was like three or four bedrooms and Kenny Rogerson's room, which was like a closet with a sheet of what we refer to as the sperm room.

00:16:25.000 And Kenny lived in The rent was $165 a month.

00:16:30.000 The landlord's name was Wing Wong, and we were working at the Ding Ho for Shun Lee.

00:16:34.000 So $165 between sometimes 10 guys.

00:16:37.000 We didn't have it.

00:16:38.000 We were blowing it.

00:16:39.000 So now every comedian who came in from out of town, they didn't have to go to a hotel.

00:16:43.000 You just go by the barracks.

00:16:44.000 There was a key under the mat.

00:16:45.000 At the end, there was like 11 keys under the mat.

00:16:47.000 But there was this old lady next door in the third floor apartment.

00:16:50.000 We would rage all night.

00:16:51.000 I would break windows.

00:16:52.000 I just love the sound of breaking glass.

00:16:54.000 We had a window guy on call.

00:16:57.000 People say, it's freezing, Lenny.

00:16:58.000 Call the window guy.

00:16:59.000 I just love to throw things through the glass.

00:17:03.000 I remember Sweeney ducked, and I put a bottle through the window, and he's laying on the floor, and I go, Sweeney, what's wrong with you?

00:17:09.000 I'm just having fun.

00:17:10.000 He goes, don't talk down to me.

00:17:11.000 I go, well, you're lying on the floor.

00:17:12.000 Get up.

00:17:13.000 So now, this woman, an older woman, she goes, I said, hey.

00:17:17.000 I hate you, Lenny Clark.

00:17:18.000 I hate you.

00:17:19.000 I said, listen, I'm going to the store.

00:17:20.000 You want me to get you anything?

00:17:22.000 And she yelled at the top, Lenny Clark, I only live to see you dead, right?

00:17:26.000 And all the neighbors, every neighbor, they love you, right?

00:17:30.000 Oh, Joe, it gets worse.

00:17:32.000 So now, you know, I'd send the flowers every now and then, and she'd throw them off the balcony.

00:17:36.000 I don't want your fucking flowers.

00:17:38.000 I want you dead, right?

00:17:39.000 So she ends up getting murdered.

00:17:43.000 Oh, no.

00:17:44.000 Like, cut up and, like, decapitated.

00:17:47.000 Oh, yeah, yeah.

00:17:47.000 So the cops come to the house one day, and I'm laying in my bed, puking in a bucket, and Rogerson comes in, and he waits for me.

00:17:55.000 He says, did you murder the lady next to her last night?

00:17:57.000 I go, no.

00:17:58.000 He goes, okay, you can come in.

00:17:59.000 No.

00:18:02.000 Let the cops come in.

00:18:04.000 And they go, Lenny, we don't think it was you, but we got to ask you questions.

00:18:08.000 Where were you last night?

00:18:09.000 And they go, I don't remember.

00:18:10.000 I go, but I know I got here later.

00:18:14.000 It worked out.

00:18:14.000 I was at the ding, and then we hung out after hours, and I don't know where it was, but then I get home.

00:18:19.000 But, you know, that woman, I don't think they ever solved the case, but it definitely wasn't me, because I was too lazy to walk up three flights of stairs.

00:18:25.000 We used to have police cars parked in her parking space.

00:18:29.000 She didn't have a cop.

00:18:30.000 But we'd have the paddy wagon parked down below.

00:18:32.000 It was crazy.

00:18:33.000 So you'd have the cops come over and party with him?

00:18:35.000 Yeah.

00:18:36.000 Most of them got thrown off the floor.

00:18:38.000 They never solved?

00:18:39.000 They never solved that case as far as I know.

00:18:41.000 There was a guy that I used to train with who got arrested I don't know if you remember this case, but they took this guy and they were breaking his bones with a hammer and then injecting with cocaine to keep him awake because he was blacking out from the pain.

00:18:57.000 And they cut his hands off, they cut his head off, they cut everything off.

00:19:01.000 And this dude that I knew got arrested for it.

00:19:05.000 And when I asked him about it, he knew something.

00:19:09.000 It was one of those things where you ask someone, I go, they arrested you.

00:19:13.000 I go, why would they arrest you?

00:19:15.000 And there was like this, I don't know.

00:19:17.000 I don't know nothing.

00:19:17.000 I was like, oh, you know something.

00:19:20.000 I was like, holy shit.

00:19:21.000 I was like, oh my god, I might know a fucking serious murderer.

00:19:25.000 Oh, yeah.

00:19:25.000 Yeah, he went to jail for something else.

00:19:28.000 I forget when he went to jail.

00:19:29.000 I knew him when I was 16. And he went to jail, and then he came out.

00:19:33.000 And when he came out, like all his tattoos, he had scars all over all of his tattoos.

00:19:37.000 Like apparently he tried to burn his tattoos off in the joint.

00:19:40.000 And he was just a different person.

00:19:44.000 His time in jail, I guess he was in jail for maybe five years from when I knew him.

00:19:50.000 Wow.

00:19:51.000 And he came out five years later and started training again before he got arrested.

00:19:55.000 And just...

00:19:58.000 Super spooky to be around somebody that you think might have done that.

00:20:02.000 No, I know of a few murderers that, yeah, yeah, I mean, I didn't know at the time when I met them, but over the years ago, oh my, well, the guy who got the pass, Johnny Manorano, he was on 16 Minutes, he stopped at Stop and Shop in Somerville, and people go,

00:20:17.000 you know what that is?

00:20:18.000 I go, Johnny Manorano, and he go, hey, Lenny, I went, oh, hey, Johnny, 25 murders, and, you know.

00:20:23.000 How's he out?

00:20:26.000 Uh...

00:20:26.000 Deals.

00:20:26.000 You know, I mean, he did time.

00:20:28.000 He did a lot of time.

00:20:29.000 But he was on 60...

00:20:30.000 No, no, no, $20.

00:20:31.000 Come on, are you kidding me?

00:20:32.000 It seems like he should be in jail forever.

00:20:33.000 How many did Sammy the Bull kill?

00:20:35.000 And he was out dealing...

00:20:36.000 He was out dealing met in Arizona.

00:20:37.000 I think he's still out.

00:20:38.000 Yeah, he is.

00:20:39.000 He's out again.

00:20:39.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:20:40.000 I mean, I got no beef for him.

00:20:41.000 I don't either.

00:20:42.000 So...

00:20:42.000 One of my buddies in high school, his name was Bubba Good.

00:20:46.000 He was the funniest person I ever met in my life, without a doubt.

00:20:49.000 One day he stole 12 Corvettes, 12 red Corvettes, and lined them up outside.

00:20:53.000 And in one of the Corvettes, it was a briefcase full of cash.

00:20:56.000 And he went in and he bought the entire lunchroom lunch.

00:21:00.000 Lunch is on me!

00:21:02.000 At high school, right?

00:21:05.000 He stole Corvettes in high school?

00:21:07.000 He stole Corvettes, oh yeah, and he lined them up outside.

00:21:09.000 Jesus Christ.

00:21:10.000 Oh, he was amazing.

00:21:11.000 So, he goes to Walpole.

00:21:13.000 You remember Walpole State Prison, okay?

00:21:15.000 So, we're doing a show at Walpole.

00:21:17.000 You know, a couple guys asked me, are you coming?

00:21:18.000 Yeah.

00:21:19.000 So they said, Mr. Clark, before you come in, we just want to let you know, if there's any drugs or drug remnants on you, you're not going to be released.

00:21:25.000 And I went, oh, let me change my clothes.

00:21:27.000 So I changed my clothes and went in and I did the show.

00:21:30.000 And it was really...

00:21:31.000 So they would swab you?

00:21:33.000 Yeah, it was...

00:21:34.000 So if they swabbed you and they found coke on your shirt, you stay in.

00:21:39.000 You stay in, yeah.

00:21:40.000 Jesus!

00:21:41.000 And this is like 35 years ago, right?

00:21:44.000 So, and this was when Walpole was still maximum security, you know, I mean...

00:21:48.000 The worst of the worst.

00:21:49.000 So we go in and I'm with DJ and a couple other people.

00:21:53.000 DJ Hazard?

00:21:54.000 DJ Hazard and I think Sweeney.

00:21:55.000 How's he doing?

00:21:56.000 I think there was a cancer thing and then he beat that.

00:22:01.000 But hey, good guy.

00:22:03.000 Oh my God.

00:22:03.000 Remind me about DJ. I want to finish this.

00:22:05.000 So I'm on stage and I'm thinking, hey man, Papa's in here.

00:22:09.000 And he jumps up on stage.

00:22:11.000 And I go, Papa, he goes, how you doing?

00:22:13.000 He goes, I'm in here with an assumed name.

00:22:15.000 I'm in here with a Danny.

00:22:16.000 This is 35 years ago.

00:22:18.000 He's in Walpole under an assumed name.

00:22:20.000 I mean, could that be...

00:22:22.000 Well, anyway, he gets out, and then he murders some guy, and he goes back, and he's in for double life now, two murders.

00:22:30.000 And I said to him, Papa, why'd you kill the guy?

00:22:32.000 He goes, he was talking shit.

00:22:33.000 You know...

00:22:34.000 He's just a little bit of a guy, but funny.

00:22:37.000 I mean, he's the type of guy, if someone wanted to kick his ass, you could make them laugh so hard you couldn't punch him.

00:22:41.000 He was that funny.

00:22:42.000 And now he's been in for...

00:22:44.000 I want to visit him, but they said it's not a good idea, but I'm going to go visit him.

00:22:48.000 I'm a little old now.

00:22:49.000 He's been over 30 years now.

00:22:51.000 It's so funny how, if you're in the nightclub business...

00:22:55.000 Like we are, you're gonna run into people along the way that have done some horrible shit.

00:23:01.000 Oh.

00:23:03.000 I know a guy who sawed a guy's head off.

00:23:07.000 With a saw?

00:23:08.000 I think a sword.

00:23:10.000 You know, one of those samurai swords.

00:23:13.000 And then throw it on a guy's lawn.

00:23:16.000 I mean, yeah, yeah, there was drugs involved.

00:23:18.000 I mean, I remember, I remember, it was crack, but crack, but crack before crack, what was the, Freebase, Freebase wasn't as bad as crack.

00:23:29.000 That was for people with money.

00:23:31.000 That was the Richard Pryor days.

00:23:32.000 Okay.

00:23:32.000 Richard Pryor was in the freebase.

00:23:34.000 The first time, I'm freebasing at like an MBTA station in South Boston, and I think Kennison was, yeah, Kennison was there, and this guy who's away for life now too, remained nameless, but I took a hit,

00:23:50.000 and I'm passing out.

00:23:52.000 I mean, I'm so high, I'm passing out, and all I could hear was, what are we going to do with the party?

00:23:56.000 That was the last thing I heard.

00:23:57.000 Whose body?

00:23:58.000 Me!

00:23:59.000 I passed them!

00:23:59.000 Oh, if you die?

00:24:00.000 Yeah!

00:24:00.000 Oh, Jesus Christ.

00:24:01.000 They thought you were overdosing?

00:24:02.000 I thought it was...

00:24:03.000 I can't...

00:24:04.000 When you're smoking that stuff, and you're thinking...

00:24:07.000 I used to start my own heart!

00:24:10.000 Boom!

00:24:11.000 Punch as hard as I can!

00:24:13.000 Oh, God!

00:24:14.000 You know, because when I went to...

00:24:16.000 When I finally went to the doctors and had the atrial fibrillation and all the heart damage they did...

00:24:21.000 I said, well, what do you think it was?

00:24:22.000 Well, you know, maybe the weight, you know, because I was almost 400 pounds.

00:24:25.000 And they go, I go, what about Coke?

00:24:26.000 And he said, well, you had to do an awful lot of Coke.

00:24:28.000 I said, well, there's a small amount in Peru that's missing.

00:24:31.000 They said, really, that much?

00:24:33.000 And I go, oh, yeah.

00:24:34.000 Oh, yeah.

00:24:34.000 So, yeah, it was insane.

00:24:36.000 Well, then also, if you're getting Coke, you've got to know people who sell Coke.

00:24:40.000 I had people who would bring coke to me.

00:24:43.000 You know, my mother always said, London, be very careful on show business.

00:24:46.000 People are going to try to give you drugs.

00:24:48.000 I go, my, they don't give you, they sell them to you.

00:24:50.000 But people did give me drugs.

00:24:52.000 Like, I have dealers say, try my coke.

00:24:53.000 No, try my coke.

00:24:54.000 My coke's better.

00:24:55.000 Just to hang out, to be in the show.

00:24:57.000 You know how it was.

00:24:57.000 It was like being with rock stars.

00:24:59.000 And a lot of rock stars were with us.

00:25:01.000 Well, people talk about the days, the early days of Boston comedy, and it almost sounds fake, because they used to pay you with Coke.

00:25:08.000 Yeah.

00:25:08.000 Like, I was offered money or Coke.

00:25:11.000 Right, right.

00:25:12.000 That's how they would pay you.

00:25:13.000 Thank God I didn't do Coke.

00:25:15.000 First time that happened to me, I was in Sarasota, Florida.

00:25:19.000 And they go, Lenny, it's been a great week.

00:25:21.000 You know, we owe you $3,000.

00:25:24.000 How about we give you $3,000 or a...

00:25:27.000 An ounce of Coke.

00:25:28.000 And I said, well, why don't we do half and half?

00:25:31.000 And then that started my time travel.

00:25:34.000 And I ended up...

00:25:35.000 I ended up in Sarasota.

00:25:37.000 I left Sarasota.

00:25:38.000 I wanted to meet Jackie and your joke, man.

00:25:40.000 And I ended up in Tampa.

00:25:41.000 Tampa from Sarasota is hundreds and hundreds of miles.

00:25:44.000 It's not close.

00:25:45.000 Did you drive it?

00:25:47.000 Evidently.

00:25:48.000 Because Jackie, how'd you get here?

00:25:50.000 I go, time travel, Jackie.

00:25:52.000 Time travel.

00:25:53.000 Do some blow.

00:25:54.000 Just doing blow and driving over Ellicott.

00:25:56.000 Oh, God, Jesus.

00:25:57.000 You mentioned DJ and what happened to him.

00:25:59.000 Because DJ... He was really good with the ladies.

00:26:03.000 You know, because he played the guitar and they all wanted...

00:26:05.000 He was sinister looking.

00:26:07.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:26:08.000 I remember when Cremins broke a captain's chair over his head one night.

00:26:12.000 I had to stop.

00:26:13.000 I go, you're going to kill...

00:26:14.000 By the way...

00:26:15.000 Somebody broke a...

00:26:16.000 Who broke a captain's chair?

00:26:17.000 Cremins.

00:26:17.000 Cremins took a...

00:26:18.000 Barry Cremins?

00:26:18.000 Took a captain's chair.

00:26:20.000 Broke it over DJ's head?

00:26:21.000 Yeah.

00:26:21.000 Why?

00:26:22.000 I don't know.

00:26:23.000 Some shit, evidently.

00:26:24.000 Was it for fun or were they angry at each other?

00:26:27.000 You know what?

00:26:28.000 No, it wasn't for fun.

00:26:29.000 They were pissed.

00:26:30.000 And they were really close, too.

00:26:31.000 Barry was so intimidating.

00:26:33.000 Well, you know what?

00:26:34.000 One night, a fight broke out.

00:26:36.000 And a guy came at Barry with a knife.

00:26:40.000 And I kicked the knife out of his hand.

00:26:42.000 And Gavin's there with his ring going, that was very well done.

00:26:44.000 You know, this is Gavin.

00:26:46.000 Very well done.

00:26:47.000 That doesn't move, right?

00:26:49.000 The guy comes back through the door with another knife, and I just dive through the door, roll down onto the street, and just kick the shit out of him.

00:26:57.000 And Gavin comes and goes, it was like a big shaver.

00:26:59.000 Not one, but two blades.

00:27:01.000 Two blades!

00:27:02.000 And he never moves from his seat.

00:27:04.000 He never moved from his seat.

00:27:05.000 Gavin kills me like, the other day, he's moving to Florida.

00:27:09.000 Gavin is?

00:27:09.000 Yeah, Gavin's moving to Florida.

00:27:11.000 We had a little time for him.

00:27:12.000 And I said to him, hey, Don, how are you doing?

00:27:14.000 He goes, geez, you look great.

00:27:15.000 I go, yeah, well, you know, I'm trying to get healthy, Don.

00:27:18.000 And how's your blood pressure?

00:27:19.000 He goes, I don't know.

00:27:20.000 I take my blood pressure like three times a day now.

00:27:22.000 He goes, how about you?

00:27:23.000 He goes, you're taking enough for both of us.

00:27:27.000 That guy still goes hard.

00:27:29.000 Still goes hard.

00:27:30.000 Last time I saw him, he had a drink in his hand.

00:27:32.000 It was still going hard.

00:27:33.000 It's like gasoline.

00:27:35.000 Oh, funny.

00:27:36.000 Oh my God.

00:27:37.000 So funny.

00:27:38.000 So quick.

00:27:38.000 Doesn't give a fuck.

00:27:39.000 No, doesn't care.

00:27:40.000 School teacher.

00:27:41.000 Yep.

00:27:42.000 More degrees than a thermometer.

00:27:43.000 This guy, he was a genius guy.

00:27:45.000 Yes.

00:27:46.000 He used to do blow in the barracks till around 6.30 in the morning.

00:27:51.000 We'd be playing cards and he'd always win.

00:27:52.000 He'd beat everybody.

00:27:53.000 And he goes, I gotta go.

00:27:54.000 Where?

00:27:55.000 I gotta go to teach school.

00:27:56.000 And he put on his jacket.

00:28:01.000 And now, you don't believe how many people come into the show and go, is Gavin here?

00:28:06.000 He was my teacher in high school.

00:28:09.000 Now other people, he was my father's teacher.

00:28:12.000 To this day, I think he's the greatest comic that people don't know about.

00:28:15.000 Without a doubt.

00:28:16.000 One of the greatest comics of all time.

00:28:17.000 I remember seeing him at Stitches thinking, I should probably quit.

00:28:22.000 I'm like, I should probably quit.

00:28:23.000 I'll never be as good as this guy.

00:28:24.000 First night I see him perform, I go, man, you were great.

00:28:27.000 How long have you been doing this?

00:28:28.000 He goes, this is my first time.

00:28:29.000 I go, you're full of shit.

00:28:30.000 And he goes, oh, nice meeting you two and walked away.

00:28:32.000 And I was very jealous that a guy would just step up to this and be that good.

00:28:38.000 And then we would hang around together and hope that people would freak out.

00:28:42.000 Remember Joel asking how good he was?

00:28:44.000 Sometimes he'd get high and he'd go, I can't go on!

00:28:47.000 And he'd leave.

00:28:47.000 And me and Gavin would have nod on us.

00:28:49.000 If someone panicked, we'd be at the bar.

00:28:52.000 Ready to go!

00:28:53.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:28:54.000 So Gavin goes, let's get him fucked up and see if he cracks under the pressure.

00:29:00.000 Well, he was so smart.

00:29:01.000 That's why Gavin was so good.

00:29:03.000 He had so many things to talk about, and his way of looking at things was so intelligent.

00:29:10.000 He legitimately didn't give a fuck.

00:29:12.000 So everything was casual.

00:29:14.000 All of his best punchlines were casual.

00:29:16.000 It's a story that I've never, ever told.

00:29:19.000 And I know it's going to be heard by maybe 20 million people.

00:29:22.000 I don't give a shit.

00:29:24.000 We went to a show.

00:29:25.000 One of his buddies was a bartender at the 99. And one of the guys who worked there was sick.

00:29:31.000 So they asked us to do a show from a benefit to raise some money.

00:29:34.000 So we did.

00:29:35.000 And he says, geez, I wish I had money to pay.

00:29:38.000 And Gavin goes, who's that credit card?

00:29:40.000 He goes, well, that's someone left.

00:29:41.000 He goes, we'll take that as payment.

00:29:43.000 He goes, so we go home.

00:29:44.000 We get banged up that night.

00:29:46.000 And he goes, what's the hottest place in America right now?

00:29:49.000 What's the hottest place in the paper?

00:29:50.000 I said, Puerto Rico, 98. He goes, we're going to Puerto Rico tomorrow.

00:29:57.000 He gets us tickets.

00:29:58.000 He gets us plane tickets.

00:29:59.000 And we get a big bag of blow.

00:30:01.000 And we get Logan.

00:30:03.000 And we're going to blow all night.

00:30:05.000 And he goes, here, hold this.

00:30:07.000 And so we land.

00:30:09.000 And Gav goes, where's the blow?

00:30:10.000 And I go, I did it.

00:30:11.000 He goes, you did it all?

00:30:12.000 I go, yeah.

00:30:13.000 I don't want to get busted going through customs.

00:30:15.000 He goes, Puerto Rico's America, you idiot.

00:30:17.000 You did it.

00:30:19.000 We check into a hotel, and I keep saying, I turn it up, what's my name again?

00:30:27.000 So we're down here for the weekend.

00:30:29.000 It's unbelievable.

00:30:30.000 Just don't draw attention to us.

00:30:31.000 And now I'm off.

00:30:33.000 Why don't draw attention?

00:30:34.000 Why?

00:30:35.000 Because we're on a phony credit card!

00:30:40.000 I'm throwing cheers into the pool.

00:30:42.000 He goes, that's right.

00:30:43.000 Don't attract attention.

00:30:44.000 So we go to dinner.

00:30:45.000 We go to the most famous restaurant down there.

00:30:47.000 And we get the Chateaubriand Fatou.

00:30:50.000 I always wanted it.

00:30:51.000 I didn't even know what it was.

00:30:52.000 But they come out and they cook it at the table.

00:30:54.000 And I'm shit-faced going, hey, everybody.

00:30:56.000 You're probably wondering, who's getting that dish?

00:30:58.000 That'd be me, right?

00:31:00.000 Gavin's going, yeah, don't draw any attention.

00:31:02.000 He goes, I'll be your captain tonight.

00:31:05.000 I go, it's 50 bucks.

00:31:06.000 Make yourself a general.

00:31:07.000 Gavin!

00:31:09.000 I said, Gav, I want to get you this $800 bottle of wine.

00:31:12.000 He goes, no, no, no.

00:31:13.000 That's drawing attention.

00:31:15.000 Why don't we get two, three bottles, $300 bottles of wine?

00:31:17.000 I go, oh, you're so smart.

00:31:19.000 So anyway, we get to the room and he puts up with me.

00:31:22.000 So he loses a bunch gambling, right?

00:31:24.000 And I don't have any money.

00:31:26.000 I'm throwing my money away on tips.

00:31:28.000 I'm a big tipper.

00:31:30.000 So he goes, I got bad news.

00:31:31.000 He goes, what?

00:31:32.000 They shut off the credit cards.

00:31:33.000 I go, what?

00:31:34.000 He goes, yeah, there's no way for us to get back.

00:31:37.000 And I go, oh, why don't you take what money you've got left and go down and try to win some and send me back to Boston.

00:31:45.000 Then I'll wire your money because you know I'm good for all the money back that we need.

00:31:48.000 He goes, Why should I send you?

00:31:50.000 And I go, because you're like the second greatest con man that ever lived.

00:31:53.000 He goes, who's the first?

00:31:54.000 I said, Jim Rockford.

00:31:55.000 He goes, Jim Rockford?

00:31:57.000 He's not even a real person.

00:32:00.000 He's not even a real person.

00:32:01.000 So Gav goes, stay here.

00:32:03.000 So I barricaded myself in the room.

00:32:05.000 There was a big computer that made drinks.

00:32:07.000 It was the Caribbean, Hilton, I think.

00:32:09.000 Yeah, it was.

00:32:10.000 And you could push buttons and it would make all different drinks.

00:32:13.000 I drank that empty.

00:32:15.000 Push that against the door.

00:32:16.000 Gavin goes, let me hear this man.

00:32:18.000 I got us two tickets.

00:32:19.000 I go, yay!

00:32:20.000 I finally fell asleep because I was a nervous wreck.

00:32:22.000 So we fly up and Gavin goes...

00:32:23.000 So he got money gambling?

00:32:25.000 He got money gambling.

00:32:27.000 I don't know how he did it.

00:32:28.000 I didn't even ask, but he got us both back to Boston.

00:32:31.000 He says, I'm never going anywhere with you ever again.

00:32:34.000 But the thing was, second greatest con man in the world.

00:32:36.000 He goes, he's not even real, Lenny.

00:32:38.000 The Rock in Glasgow is not even real.

00:32:40.000 Oh, God.

00:32:41.000 But he was brilliant.

00:32:43.000 Gavin was brilliant.

00:32:44.000 What year was this?

00:32:45.000 Oh, Jesus.

00:32:46.000 Had to be 87, 88. Oh, God.

00:32:50.000 The good days.

00:32:50.000 Oh, I mean, think of that.

00:32:52.000 We're going to the hottest place.

00:32:53.000 We almost went to Venezuela.

00:32:55.000 Thank God.

00:32:57.000 What time of year was this?

00:32:58.000 It was the fall.

00:33:00.000 Okay, so it was starting to get sucky in Boston.

00:33:02.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:33:03.000 It wasn't snowing yet or anything like that.

00:33:05.000 You know, I used to think that it was bad, that weather.

00:33:08.000 But now I think it makes better people.

00:33:10.000 I really do.

00:33:11.000 It makes tougher people.

00:33:13.000 Yes.

00:33:14.000 But I got to tell you.

00:33:15.000 More resilient.

00:33:15.000 Yeah, but you're away from me.

00:33:19.000 You don't live there.

00:33:19.000 I mean, three years ago, we had like 10 feet of snow in three days.

00:33:23.000 Yeah.

00:33:23.000 People were jumping out their dirt floor windows just to get out of the house.

00:33:26.000 Yeah.

00:33:27.000 I want to get away from it.

00:33:30.000 No, I get it.

00:33:30.000 I don't want to live there.

00:33:31.000 I don't want to live there.

00:33:32.000 But I think growing up there did me a lot of good.

00:33:35.000 Well, you know what?

00:33:36.000 There's a lot of advantages.

00:33:37.000 It does make you a tougher person, more resilient.

00:33:40.000 And they have the best education, the best doctors.

00:33:44.000 The education in Boston is excellent.

00:33:46.000 And the medical.

00:33:47.000 I mean, anyone with money who gets sick, they don't go to Burbank.

00:33:51.000 They fly into the MGH. There's more colleges per capita in the Boston area than anywhere in the country.

00:33:55.000 Absolutely.

00:33:56.000 Absolutely.

00:33:56.000 The thing about it though is that...

00:33:57.000 And I couldn't get into any of them.

00:33:58.000 When you're in the cold, there's something about...

00:34:01.000 There's like a certain camaraderie that everybody shares when you're stuck.

00:34:05.000 Yeah, this sucks.

00:34:06.000 You help people.

00:34:07.000 You help people that are stuck.

00:34:08.000 You'll push out an elderly couple's cars off the road and then you'll hang on the bumper as they drive away.

00:34:13.000 I've done a lot of that shit.

00:34:14.000 I've never done any of that.

00:34:15.000 Around here.

00:34:16.000 Around here.

00:34:17.000 I'm like, if you've got a flat tire, you can fucking figure it out.

00:34:19.000 It's warm out.

00:34:19.000 You'll be fine.

00:34:20.000 Or you can call somebody back east.

00:34:22.000 They'll come quicker than your neighbor.

00:34:24.000 That's the truth.

00:34:25.000 I lived out here for years.

00:34:26.000 I was out here for 12 years.

00:34:27.000 Yeah, your story out here is one of the most horrific stories about what can happen if you get a crooked agent.

00:34:33.000 Oh!

00:34:34.000 You know, and I've told many guys your story.

00:34:36.000 Oh!

00:34:36.000 You know, we talk about murder.

00:34:38.000 You're very lucky that you didn't wind up murdering your agent.

00:34:41.000 I knew where his kids went to school.

00:34:43.000 I knew, you know, I knew where he was.

00:34:45.000 Well, tell everybody what happened.

00:34:46.000 I think you might have talked about this before, but just so this podcast stands alone.

00:34:50.000 Yeah, I'm...

00:34:50.000 I became really big.

00:34:54.000 You had a television show?

00:34:55.000 Yeah, a television show named after me.

00:34:57.000 This is like, what, 93, 92?

00:35:00.000 90. It happened so long ago, I think they're going to colorize it.

00:35:04.000 Joe, here's another thing.

00:35:05.000 I can't find...

00:35:06.000 I mean, I have...

00:35:09.000 VHS of it someplace, but you can't even go on YouTube and find Lenny's.

00:35:14.000 There was 17 Lenny's, 17 or 18 Lenny's, and the show was the highest rated show since All in the Family on CBS. It was a great show.

00:35:22.000 It was a great show.

00:35:23.000 An amazing cast, and the guy who played my father, Eugene Roach, he just taught me everything.

00:35:28.000 I never acted in my life.

00:35:29.000 And you caught the perfect wave, the Roseanne wave, Tim Allen, Jerry Seinfeld, all those guys were getting...

00:35:34.000 You got it in sitcoms and you got one too.

00:35:37.000 My show started the year Seinfeld started.

00:35:40.000 And Seinfeld didn't have a great first year.

00:35:42.000 We had a great first year.

00:35:44.000 We were doing amazing.

00:35:45.000 And then the first Gulf War broke out.

00:35:47.000 And that killed me.

00:35:48.000 Lenny will not be seen tonight so we can bring in the war in the Gulf.

00:35:51.000 And then when they brought me back, there was the World Series.

00:35:55.000 Lenny was admitted for the World Series.

00:35:56.000 And then they changed me from...

00:35:59.000 I forget what night I was on, but they brought me through...

00:36:01.000 I ended up at Friday nights, which is like...

00:36:03.000 Ooh, that's death for TV. Death for TV. And, you know, I went from having everything, you know what I mean?

00:36:09.000 I had a mansion in the marina, you know?

00:36:12.000 A Playboy model wife who happened to be a Coke dealer.

00:36:15.000 I mean, bloody hell, what more good do you want?

00:36:16.000 What could go wrong?

00:36:17.000 What could go wrong?

00:36:18.000 And then this guy, they said, you need an agent?

00:36:22.000 And I said, I want Seinfeld and Leno's agent.

00:36:24.000 And the guy at the time was both.

00:36:27.000 Both of those guys were with him.

00:36:29.000 And he would be getting, he'd say, you want Seinfeld?

00:36:32.000 Well, we'll hire this guy.

00:36:34.000 You want Leno?

00:36:35.000 We'll hire this guy.

00:36:36.000 Well, I was that guy.

00:36:37.000 And they would have Richard Jenny.

00:36:39.000 He was a monster.

00:36:41.000 He was a monster.

00:36:43.000 And they'd be hiring him to open for me.

00:36:45.000 I'd go, I don't know.

00:36:46.000 I don't need him to open for me.

00:36:47.000 I'm this new guy that's never been on stage before.

00:36:50.000 I mean, why work if you don't have to?

00:36:54.000 He'd make me work my ass off.

00:36:56.000 Well, Jenny was one of the greatest of all time.

00:36:58.000 He's another guy that people forgot about.

00:36:59.000 I sing his praises on this podcast all the time.

00:37:02.000 Incredibly fun.

00:37:03.000 And I got along with him.

00:37:04.000 He was a nice guy.

00:37:06.000 We always hit it off.

00:37:08.000 But he was a monster comic, man.

00:37:10.000 He was unbelievable.

00:37:11.000 I don't think I'm funny in anything.

00:37:12.000 I'm insane and I've made my money being insane.

00:37:15.000 I got no problem with that.

00:37:16.000 Because anyone goes, who's funnier?

00:37:18.000 Who's funnier?

00:37:19.000 You know who's funnier?

00:37:19.000 The new Asian kid coming up.

00:37:21.000 You better watch your back.

00:37:22.000 Or the new Indian kid.

00:37:24.000 Because it's all, everything's new.

00:37:25.000 Watch out for the new guy.

00:37:26.000 I don't care.

00:37:27.000 You'll all be funny.

00:37:28.000 I just want to act now.

00:37:30.000 It doesn't matter.

00:37:31.000 How often are you doing stand-up these days?

00:37:32.000 I do it to pay the bills.

00:37:34.000 I work the giggles.

00:37:36.000 I work giggles at least once a month because you can't walk away or you'll lose your fastball.

00:37:41.000 You'll lose everything.

00:37:43.000 Yeah, you will.

00:37:44.000 I do a lot of charity work and I do that because it made my parents happy and it's the right thing to do.

00:37:52.000 Plus, I do a lot for the Mass General and they've kept me alive over the years.

00:37:57.000 That's the truth, Joe.

00:37:58.000 Do you remember Eastside Comedy Club in Long Island?

00:38:01.000 Yes!

00:38:02.000 Richard Jenney was there one weekend, and they said he did four different hours.

00:38:05.000 Two shows Friday, two shows Saturday.

00:38:07.000 They said he never repeated a joke.

00:38:09.000 Yeah.

00:38:09.000 And I remember we were all sitting around.

00:38:10.000 It was me and Joey Cola and a couple other comics.

00:38:12.000 We were just looking at the ground.

00:38:13.000 I love Joey Cola.

00:38:14.000 Looking at the ground, shaking our head, going, what the fuck?

00:38:16.000 Yeah.

00:38:16.000 Like, how?

00:38:17.000 Yeah.

00:38:18.000 How does he do it?

00:38:18.000 And it was all A stuff.

00:38:21.000 A. You know, it wasn't like, I'd do two different hours in one night, and...

00:38:26.000 I thought it was shit, but I was so high, I didn't care.

00:38:29.000 I'm just, hey, it's all new, baby.

00:38:30.000 Enjoy this, you know?

00:38:32.000 Yeah, but it was all A stuff.

00:38:34.000 He was a craftsman.

00:38:35.000 He was a craftsman.

00:38:36.000 And he worked with Rock, by the way.

00:38:38.000 Him and Rock worked on a lot of Chris Rock's earlier specials.

00:38:41.000 He worked with Richard Jenny.

00:38:42.000 No kidding.

00:38:43.000 Yeah, Richard Jenny would like, they would tighten up bits together.

00:38:46.000 And DiPaolo did a lot with Rock.

00:38:48.000 Yes, he did.

00:38:48.000 Oh, God, he kills me.

00:38:50.000 DiPaolo's a great joke writer.

00:38:51.000 He's a fantastic joke writer.

00:38:53.000 And he...

00:38:55.000 He gets in trouble all the time just for writing great stuff.

00:38:59.000 Oh, you know what?

00:39:01.000 Nick has always not given a fuck.

00:39:04.000 No.

00:39:04.000 He's always had that, fuck the fuck out of here.

00:39:06.000 He's always had that.

00:39:07.000 And he kills me.

00:39:10.000 People go, I'm offended.

00:39:12.000 You know what?

00:39:12.000 I'm offended that you're offended.

00:39:14.000 So I raise you being offended.

00:39:15.000 Fuck you!

00:39:16.000 How's that?

00:39:16.000 You happy with that?

00:39:17.000 I remember when I first saw Nick at Stitches, it made me excited because here was this guy who looked like a football player.

00:39:22.000 A handsome football player.

00:39:24.000 Thick head of full jet black hair.

00:39:26.000 Good looking.

00:39:27.000 Great looking guy, but funny as shit.

00:39:30.000 And I was like, oh, you don't have to be a nerd to be a comedian.

00:39:33.000 No.

00:39:34.000 But I mean, growing up in Boston, that was a really good thing to learn because you guys, like you and Sweeney and Kevin Knox, these big fucking men.

00:39:45.000 Big men.

00:39:46.000 They weren't nerds.

00:39:47.000 People would say, so what an imposing line.

00:39:50.000 Like an O-line.

00:39:51.000 Big fucking giant guys who were savages.

00:39:54.000 Now, Kevin Knox...

00:39:56.000 You know, but people, he used to come in to the Ding Ho open mic night, and I put on like 40 people, I don't care.

00:40:02.000 And one night someone brought in a big bag of blow, and I said to Knox, I said, listen, you're up next.

00:40:08.000 He goes, I can't, he'd be in there every week with a couple of broads.

00:40:11.000 He had his own table, it was like a condo table, his table, and he just loved comedy.

00:40:16.000 And I said, hey man, you're up next.

00:40:18.000 He goes, I've never done it.

00:40:19.000 I said, just cover me for 10 minutes.

00:40:20.000 And he went up.

00:40:21.000 And he never looked back.

00:40:23.000 And he got better and better.

00:40:25.000 And he had the long flowing hair and the tennis.

00:40:27.000 He was a tennis instructor.

00:40:29.000 Yeah, he had a, what's it called?

00:40:31.000 Like a mullet or mullet, yeah.

00:40:33.000 But it was even more than a mullet.

00:40:36.000 It was flowing.

00:40:37.000 It was like there was a fan on him at all times.

00:40:39.000 The hair was flowing.

00:40:41.000 And he was the first guy that I knew that was a comic that was really in his health.

00:40:44.000 He was always jogging and exercising.

00:40:46.000 And taking vitamins and stuff.

00:40:50.000 Speaking of health, how were you doing?

00:40:52.000 I'm great.

00:40:53.000 Did you have a shoulder or a back?

00:40:56.000 Oh, I've had a gang of things.

00:40:57.000 I've always had something.

00:40:58.000 But that's just because I beat the shit out of my body.

00:41:01.000 Yeah, I remember when I was listening to one of your podcasts and you were talking about shoulder surgery and how you...

00:41:07.000 I avoided it with stem cells.

00:41:08.000 Exactly.

00:41:09.000 Now, a buddy of mine, this Navy SEAL, he said to me, I was having back problems and Gronk gave me some of that CBD. I saw some out on your thing.

00:41:19.000 Oh, yeah, yeah.

00:41:21.000 And I needed that because...

00:41:23.000 I just did this movie where I had a fight scene.

00:41:26.000 And he calls me up and he goes, hey, how you doing, Lenny?

00:41:28.000 I go, okay, we're excited about having you.

00:41:29.000 How's your back?

00:41:30.000 I go, back's fine.

00:41:31.000 And I just heard it the night before, driving in the car, like a three-hour drive.

00:41:35.000 I couldn't move.

00:41:36.000 So I said to Gronk, I need some of that stuff.

00:41:38.000 And it helped me.

00:41:39.000 It really worked.

00:41:41.000 I couldn't believe it.

00:41:42.000 Well, it's all about inflammation.

00:41:43.000 And CBD is fantastic at reducing inflammation.

00:41:46.000 I take it every day.

00:41:47.000 Every day.

00:41:48.000 I believe in it wholeheartedly.

00:41:49.000 Now, when you say you take it, you take the pills.

00:41:52.000 Drops.

00:41:53.000 See, I haven't tried that.

00:41:53.000 I just tried the rub-on stuff, you know?

00:41:55.000 The rub-on stuff's great, too, but the drops are more effective.

00:41:57.000 Really?

00:41:58.000 The way to do it, though, is to do both.

00:42:00.000 You do the drops and the rub-on stuff.

00:42:01.000 It's not like you get overdosed on CBD. It's not even psychoactive.

00:42:05.000 It just reduces inflammation.

00:42:06.000 Well, no one's overdosed yet, of course.

00:42:08.000 You won't be the guy.

00:42:10.000 You hear what happened to Lenny?

00:42:11.000 He OD'd on CBD. The first guy.

00:42:13.000 Jesus Christ, Lenny.

00:42:15.000 But the stem cell stuff, which I am all for, you know what I mean?

00:42:18.000 I mean, this NBC was telling me, I heard my bank, he said, Lenny, there's a place in Dallas, I guess they can inject you into your bloodstream and it goes to all the parts of your body.

00:42:31.000 Yes.

00:42:31.000 Yeah, exosomes.

00:42:32.000 It's not just in Dallas.

00:42:33.000 They do it here in Santa Monica.

00:42:35.000 Really?

00:42:35.000 Lifespan medicine.

00:42:36.000 Yeah.

00:42:37.000 Shout out to Dr. Benruhi.

00:42:38.000 Yeah, I've had it done there.

00:42:39.000 Dr. Benruhi?

00:42:40.000 Yeah.

00:42:41.000 See, now, that's what I love about you.

00:42:43.000 You've got that gym out there, which is amazing.

00:42:45.000 And I said to one of the guys who work for us, does Joe, like, you know, do things?

00:42:49.000 No, Joe buys everything.

00:42:50.000 Joe wants to be beholden to no one.

00:42:51.000 I go, wow, I wish I could be like that.

00:42:53.000 I'm beholden to everybody.

00:42:55.000 I don't want...

00:42:56.000 I know you don't.

00:42:56.000 If you have someone sponsor you, then you have to get their shit.

00:43:00.000 Maybe it's not the best shit.

00:43:01.000 I buy that Rogue equipment.

00:43:03.000 I buy it.

00:43:04.000 They don't give me a discount.

00:43:05.000 It's the best shit you can get.

00:43:07.000 All those CrossFitters use it.

00:43:08.000 It's fucking phenomenal.

00:43:10.000 It's all rock solid.

00:43:11.000 You got space age shit out there.

00:43:13.000 The new space age running thing.

00:43:15.000 I tried that.

00:43:16.000 Oh, that thing's crazy.

00:43:17.000 That's insane.

00:43:17.000 The Zero Runner, that's great.

00:43:20.000 But you know what I like even better?

00:43:21.000 That Air Runner, the one that you propel yourself.

00:43:23.000 The Assault.

00:43:24.000 Treadmill.

00:43:24.000 Assault treadmill.

00:43:25.000 Air Assault treadmill.

00:43:26.000 Yeah.

00:43:26.000 That's amazing.

00:43:28.000 You propel yourself on that.

00:43:29.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:43:29.000 It's not a motor.

00:43:31.000 You know, like a regular treadmill is a motor.

00:43:32.000 You press a button and you just keep up with the machine.

00:43:35.000 This doesn't have a machine.

00:43:37.000 This is you actually pulling it.

00:43:39.000 So it's 13% harder than regular running.

00:43:41.000 Wow.

00:43:42.000 Yeah.

00:43:42.000 But less on the joints.

00:43:44.000 Yes.

00:43:45.000 Less on the joints.

00:43:45.000 There's no pounding.

00:43:46.000 It gives in.

00:43:47.000 It's very gentle.

00:43:48.000 See, because when I was fat and morbidly obese, my knee, I would still jog because I wanted to come down.

00:43:56.000 I didn't want to be fat.

00:43:57.000 You know, these people go, oh, I'm happy with myself.

00:43:58.000 They're lying to you.

00:43:59.000 No one wants to be 400 pounds.

00:44:01.000 It's a bunch of bullshit.

00:44:03.000 They might be happier not exercising than they are...

00:44:07.000 You know, exercising because they just don't like doing it.

00:44:10.000 So they say, I'm happy being this weight.

00:44:11.000 But if you could give them a pill and say, hey, look, I'll give you a pill and you're going to look like Jason Momoa.

00:44:17.000 Oh, okay.

00:44:18.000 I'll take it.

00:44:18.000 I took the last 30 pounds that I lost to get down to the 200-pound plateau.

00:44:25.000 I actually lost 200 pounds.

00:44:27.000 Were drops from this, like, New England fat loss.

00:44:29.000 And they were drops, you know, all organic.

00:44:34.000 And recently they took my DNA. We're good to go.

00:44:57.000 For my head.

00:44:58.000 Me too.

00:44:59.000 Yeah, me too.

00:45:00.000 Keep the demons away.

00:45:02.000 Oh, fight those demons.

00:45:03.000 Get them out.

00:45:04.000 Get them out running.

00:45:07.000 Yeah, I beat the shit out of the bag.

00:45:08.000 Absolutely.

00:45:08.000 I'm trying to kill the demons.

00:45:10.000 Yes, yes.

00:45:11.000 But you eat right too.

00:45:12.000 Yes.

00:45:13.000 Yeah, you've got to, you know.

00:45:14.000 Yeah, sugar's the number one thing.

00:45:16.000 Get that shit the fuck out of your life.

00:45:18.000 Get rid of sugar.

00:45:19.000 I mean, you know, have a cookie occasionally.

00:45:21.000 Nothing wrong with that.

00:45:22.000 But the people that have sugar every day, they drink sodas, and they drink sodas and eat candy bars.

00:45:27.000 You're killing yourself.

00:45:28.000 Slowly but surely.

00:45:29.000 I got off the desserts by going to the mad Russian.

00:45:33.000 You ever hear of this guy?

00:45:34.000 Yeah, I have heard of him.

00:45:35.000 In Brookline.

00:45:35.000 He's got like an 86% success rate for no smoking.

00:45:39.000 Right.

00:45:39.000 Every now and then.

00:45:40.000 What's his name?

00:45:41.000 The Mad Russian.

00:45:42.000 What's his actual name?

00:45:43.000 It's in there when you Google him up.

00:45:45.000 He'll tell you.

00:45:46.000 I don't know.

00:45:47.000 He's in Brookline?

00:45:47.000 Yeah, he's in Brookline and he's old.

00:45:49.000 He's like 87, 88 years old, right?

00:45:51.000 So he had this thing for fat loss.

00:45:55.000 Anything with fat loss, I'm always looking at.

00:45:58.000 There he is.

00:46:08.000 He's an eraser of addictions, depression, anxiety, and phobias.

00:46:15.000 He works with smokers, drug addicts, alcoholics, and overeaters.

00:46:19.000 Celebrities who say they have had success with his treatments include Billy Joel, Drew Barrymore, David Arquette, Courtney Cox, Arquette, and Amy Tan.

00:46:27.000 Who the fuck is Amy Tan and why isn't Lenny Clark on that list?

00:46:30.000 There you go.

00:46:31.000 Jesus Christ.

00:46:33.000 I couldn't get in for years.

00:46:34.000 So one day I go to see him.

00:46:36.000 And three hours this guy's talking.

00:46:39.000 I'm not the hypnotist yet and I'm listening to everything.

00:46:42.000 I'm there for chocolate cake, Joe.

00:46:44.000 Chocolate cake was my kryptonite.

00:46:46.000 Oh, God!

00:46:47.000 Any kind of cake but the chocolate.

00:46:49.000 I didn't know whether to fuck it or eat it.

00:46:50.000 Sometimes both.

00:46:51.000 So anyway, now I go and I listen to him.

00:46:54.000 And at the end, he goes, okay, now we go one-on-one.

00:46:57.000 And I didn't know we were going one-on-one.

00:46:58.000 He goes, I want you to tell me what you don't want to eat.

00:47:00.000 No, no, no.

00:47:01.000 Okay, close your eyes and tell me what you don't want.

00:47:03.000 I said, well, I'm here for the chocolate cake.

00:47:04.000 I said, all right, chocolate cake, pizza, and cheese.

00:47:06.000 The next night, I'm in an art den.

00:47:08.000 I have all three.

00:47:09.000 It didn't work.

00:47:11.000 I never drank it.

00:47:13.000 I was drinking 10 cans a tab a day.

00:47:16.000 That was in my rider.

00:47:17.000 I only had one thing in my rider.

00:47:18.000 A case of tab.

00:47:19.000 And it was a joke.

00:47:20.000 Tab.

00:47:21.000 That's what I drank.

00:47:23.000 Some people drink Diet Coke.

00:47:24.000 I drank tab.

00:47:25.000 Those cool pink cans.

00:47:27.000 Yeah.

00:47:27.000 Tab.

00:47:27.000 What a beautiful drink.

00:47:29.000 Nobody even knows what that is anymore.

00:47:30.000 No, the millennials flip out everything about me.

00:47:32.000 I'm like a Stone Age person today.

00:47:35.000 I mean, that's cool.

00:47:36.000 So now, I don't drink that.

00:47:38.000 And I find myself just drinking water, water.

00:47:40.000 So I say, you know what?

00:47:41.000 That guy hit me.

00:47:42.000 He hit me with the right thing.

00:47:43.000 I got to go back.

00:47:44.000 Five years I tried to get back in.

00:47:46.000 I couldn't do it.

00:47:47.000 A Father's Day, about seven years ago, there's an opening.

00:47:50.000 And I go, and in the room are people from Switzerland, Spain, Argentina, Greece, a couple people from New England, and me.

00:47:57.000 And he goes, I've seen you before.

00:47:59.000 You do not have to I go, no, no.

00:48:01.000 I'm not here for that.

00:48:01.000 This is 65 bucks.

00:48:02.000 I want in.

00:48:04.000 So I listen.

00:48:04.000 I listen.

00:48:05.000 He goes, okay, now we have the one I want.

00:48:06.000 Me.

00:48:07.000 I'll go first.

00:48:07.000 So I go in the room.

00:48:08.000 He goes, okay, close your eyes.

00:48:09.000 Tell me what you don't want to do.

00:48:11.000 Not just for a month, but forever.

00:48:12.000 You'll never have again.

00:48:13.000 And I go, okay, the chocolate, the cake.

00:48:15.000 No, fuck, all desserts.

00:48:16.000 Fuck, everything with a dessert.

00:48:18.000 Pastries, everything.

00:48:19.000 He goes, poof.

00:48:20.000 Next day, I go to the bakery in Somerville, and the place is crowded.

00:48:25.000 They go, Lenny, come right up the front, because I'm good for a big sale.

00:48:28.000 What do you want?

00:48:28.000 Nothing!

00:48:29.000 I haven't had a dessert in seven years.

00:48:31.000 Now, whipped cream is my thing.

00:48:33.000 Whipped cream, I eat whipped cream.

00:48:33.000 You still get whipped cream, but you don't get dessert.

00:48:35.000 No dessert.

00:48:36.000 No dessert, no pastry.

00:48:36.000 Just a little bit of whipped cream?

00:48:38.000 A lot of bit of whipped cream.

00:48:39.000 I mean, a bowl.

00:48:40.000 Like a bowl of it?

00:48:40.000 You scoop it out with a spoon?

00:48:42.000 Well, sometimes I don't even use the spoon.

00:48:44.000 I scoffish the thing right up.

00:48:45.000 Whipped cream with pudding is pretty goddamn good.

00:48:48.000 Chocolate pudding with whipped cream?

00:48:49.000 Yeah, that'd be all right.

00:48:50.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:48:51.000 See?

00:48:52.000 Cold whipped cream and warm pudding like you just made it?

00:48:54.000 Like if you just made it?

00:48:56.000 Oh, this is like food porn.

00:48:58.000 Hey, welcome to food porn.

00:49:00.000 Oh my goodness.

00:49:01.000 People don't know about warm pudding because nobody makes pudding.

00:49:03.000 No.

00:49:03.000 That's right.

00:49:04.000 These fucks, they just buy it.

00:49:05.000 My mother used to make the warm pot in my bed.

00:49:07.000 Do you smell that?

00:49:07.000 It'd get up like an animal.

00:49:09.000 Oh my God, the smell.

00:49:10.000 I remember it from my childhood.

00:49:11.000 But today, nobody fucking makes pudding.

00:49:13.000 Who the fuck makes pudding?

00:49:14.000 No, that's right.

00:49:15.000 You buy it.

00:49:16.000 You buy it already made.

00:49:17.000 I have the whipped cream.

00:49:18.000 We go to a fancy restaurant and I said to my wife, you want some dessert or something?

00:49:22.000 Maybe I'll have a little something.

00:49:23.000 What about you?

00:49:24.000 Give me a bowl of whipped cream.

00:49:25.000 A bowl of whipped cream.

00:49:26.000 A bowl of whipped cream.

00:49:27.000 And they bring it.

00:49:27.000 Everyone will be looking at me.

00:49:29.000 What does he have here?

00:49:29.000 I have a bowl of whipped cream.

00:49:31.000 Mind your business.

00:49:32.000 It's a good move.

00:49:32.000 It works.

00:49:33.000 Why don't they just sell that?

00:49:34.000 A bowl of whipped cream.

00:49:36.000 That would probably fly off the shelves.

00:49:37.000 Maybe I should open up a franchise.

00:49:39.000 Whipped cream.

00:49:40.000 It might be.

00:49:41.000 Cool whipped cream.

00:49:42.000 Hey, nobody fucking knew Starbucks was going to take off until it did.

00:49:45.000 Oh, man.

00:49:45.000 Unbelievable.

00:49:46.000 When we were kids, you'd get a cup of coffee, it was like 50 cents or 25 cents.

00:49:50.000 You'd go to a diner, it was easy.

00:49:52.000 Now, coffee's $3 for a small coffee.

00:49:55.000 Five!

00:49:55.000 Yeah, for a venti.

00:49:57.000 I bought two coffees this morning, $11.

00:50:01.000 That's crazy.

00:50:02.000 I know.

00:50:02.000 It's coffee.

00:50:03.000 It's just coffee.

00:50:04.000 But something happened.

00:50:05.000 Starbucks figured it out.

00:50:07.000 Make them junkies.

00:50:08.000 Turn everybody into a coffee junkie.

00:50:09.000 Why doesn't cocoa get you high?

00:50:12.000 Cocoa?

00:50:13.000 Yeah, cocoa.

00:50:14.000 Well, it's not the same stuff.

00:50:15.000 Well, doesn't cocoa come from the cocoa leaf?

00:50:18.000 No, it comes from cacao.

00:50:19.000 Ah, well, see?

00:50:22.000 You could be a scientist, Joe.

00:50:25.000 I'd have a lot of schooling to go through.

00:50:27.000 But cacao, isn't that where cocoa comes from?

00:50:30.000 It doesn't come from coca leaf.

00:50:32.000 Coca is cocaine.

00:50:35.000 But you know what I've never had, Lenny?

00:50:37.000 That I know, Joe.

00:50:38.000 That I know.

00:50:38.000 I've never had the leaves.

00:50:40.000 Have you chewed the leaves?

00:50:41.000 Yes, I did.

00:50:41.000 What is it like?

00:50:43.000 It's great.

00:50:45.000 It's like, let's see what's at the top of the mouth.

00:50:50.000 It just gives you a taste.

00:50:50.000 Come on, everybody!

00:50:51.000 Follow me!

00:50:52.000 It just gives you a little taste.

00:50:53.000 Oh, my God.

00:50:54.000 Well, you know, I went down to Katahina.

00:50:57.000 I went on a TNT travel.

00:51:00.000 Like, $199 I took this day.

00:51:03.000 You took a cocaine tour?

00:51:05.000 Yes, I did.

00:51:06.000 Joe, they didn't have to go.

00:51:08.000 It took me almost a day and a half to find the blow.

00:51:11.000 When I got to the car, I go, hey man, can we get you anything?

00:51:14.000 Yeah, I want a lot of blow.

00:51:15.000 As much as you can get me.

00:51:17.000 We don't have any blow.

00:51:18.000 What do you mean?

00:51:18.000 That's what you're making.

00:51:19.000 That's why I come to see you.

00:51:20.000 We send it all to America.

00:51:21.000 I go, there's got to be a shipment that didn't go.

00:51:23.000 There's got to be one way.

00:51:24.000 Get Senor Lenny to blow.

00:51:28.000 I ended up going to where they made it.

00:51:30.000 I was chewing the leaves.

00:51:32.000 Smoking it.

00:51:33.000 Sniffing it.

00:51:35.000 Rubbing it on my ass.

00:51:36.000 Everything.

00:51:37.000 I didn't care.

00:51:37.000 I was covered and blown.

00:51:39.000 I got like an ounce for like $180.

00:51:41.000 What?

00:51:42.000 Yeah.

00:51:42.000 What's it normally cost?

00:51:44.000 A couple grand.

00:51:45.000 Oh my god.

00:51:45.000 At the time.

00:51:46.000 At the time.

00:51:48.000 Your listeners, I'm sure, will know.

00:51:50.000 Google that, you sons of bitches.

00:51:52.000 Hey, man!

00:51:54.000 It's like you said.

00:51:57.000 Anyone who thinks I'm making this shit up, great.

00:52:00.000 What an imagination I would have.

00:52:04.000 I don't have that good of an imagination.

00:52:05.000 I'm just telling you how whacked I am as a person.

00:52:08.000 These stories are corroborated, ladies and gentlemen.

00:52:11.000 Oh, there's a lot of witnesses.

00:52:12.000 That's why I haven't written a book.

00:52:13.000 A few more people are going to die for us.

00:52:17.000 Who are you hoping dies first before the book comes out?

00:52:20.000 You know who did die?

00:52:21.000 Rip Taylor died.

00:52:22.000 I heard today, right?

00:52:23.000 Okay.

00:52:24.000 Now, when I first started doing comedy...

00:52:25.000 Hollywood Squares.

00:52:26.000 I did it with him.

00:52:27.000 Did you?

00:52:28.000 Oh, yeah, I did that.

00:52:28.000 He was great.

00:52:29.000 One of the nicest, sweetest...

00:52:31.000 I used to write comedy when I first started.

00:52:35.000 And I'd spend time in my room.

00:52:37.000 I saw everything on Lenny Bruce I just delved into.

00:52:41.000 And Lenny used to listen to his tapes for hours on end.

00:52:45.000 I didn't realize he was listening to his performances.

00:52:48.000 I thought he was sitting in a room with the tape running, and when the shit, he'd say something.

00:52:52.000 He'd go, oh, and I'd be wearing a blank tape, right?

00:52:55.000 So I started, I go, I must be doing something wrong.

00:52:58.000 So I write jokes.

00:53:00.000 I swear to God.

00:53:01.000 I write, yeah, yeah, you think that, you think I want people to know that?

00:53:03.000 So I go down, I go, Ma, what do you think of this joke?

00:53:05.000 And I write, she goes, I don't know, man, I guess it's funny.

00:53:07.000 And I go, you guess it's funny?

00:53:09.000 Well, who do you like?

00:53:10.000 She goes, I like Rip Taylor.

00:53:11.000 Rip Taylor!

00:53:11.000 You know he had sex with little boys?

00:53:13.000 She goes, get out of my kitchen!

00:53:15.000 I love Rip Taylor!

00:53:16.000 Why do you think Heinz makes 57 varieties?

00:53:19.000 You're the only funny person wrong!

00:53:20.000 Get the hell out of here!

00:53:21.000 And I hated Rip Taylor because he was my mother's favorite comedian.

00:53:26.000 I wanted to be her favorite.

00:53:27.000 So I'm working the dunes.

00:53:29.000 This is 35 years ago, man.

00:53:32.000 And I'm up by the pool, and I'm drinking it.

00:53:34.000 Out comes Pauly Shore, and who's he with?

00:53:37.000 Rip Taylor.

00:53:37.000 And I go, oh, my God.

00:53:39.000 Well, he introduces them to me, and before I can get two words out of my mouth, he's got me crying.

00:53:44.000 He's one of the funniest people.

00:53:46.000 Quick, funny.

00:53:46.000 Ooh, look at that.

00:53:47.000 Ooh, what a buffet for me.

00:53:50.000 And so I say to him, I say, hey, Rip, I said, would you do me a favor?

00:53:53.000 He goes, well, sure, whatever.

00:53:54.000 I said, Would you say hello to my mother if we called her on the phone?

00:53:57.000 He goes, of course I would.

00:53:59.000 And they bring the phone over with the long cord.

00:54:01.000 This is the old Vegas, right?

00:54:03.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:54:04.000 So I go, Ma, Ma, I got someone who wants to say hello to you.

00:54:07.000 And he goes, what's your name, Gene?

00:54:08.000 Hello, Gene, it's Rip Taylor.

00:54:10.000 Oh!

00:54:10.000 And you hear my mother, ah!

00:54:12.000 And he spends like two minutes on the phone.

00:54:15.000 He's so sweet.

00:54:16.000 And I go, I love the guy ever since then.

00:54:19.000 I didn't tell him what I said.

00:54:21.000 I was lashing out.

00:54:23.000 I was a kid.

00:54:24.000 I didn't know.

00:54:25.000 But one of the sweetest guys, and I got to work with him at Hollywood Squares, and we did a couple of benefits together.

00:54:31.000 But a sweet, sweet and funny as hell.

00:54:33.000 Yeah, I never got to meet him, but he was a funny guy.

00:54:35.000 I used to love him on Hollywood Squares.

00:54:37.000 Oh, God.

00:54:38.000 They would always come to him when they wanted a little comic relief.

00:54:40.000 Absolutely.

00:54:41.000 Well, you know, I'm going to tell you something.

00:54:45.000 They gave you the answers to that show.

00:54:47.000 Did they really?

00:54:48.000 Yes!

00:54:48.000 No!

00:54:49.000 Yeah, they had the answers!

00:54:51.000 No!

00:54:52.000 The answers were right there.

00:54:54.000 Now, you could make up your mind.

00:54:55.000 They gave that to people who weren't funny.

00:54:59.000 But you could, you know, because I was throwing my own stuff out there.

00:55:03.000 And one day, I was really getting cocky in the crowd.

00:55:06.000 And I went, what do you mean?

00:55:08.000 Oh!

00:55:09.000 You can't turn on the crowd.

00:55:10.000 That's ironic.

00:55:11.000 Oh!

00:55:16.000 I did the one where Henry Winkle was producing.

00:55:20.000 I love him.

00:55:21.000 Have you met Henry?

00:55:22.000 I love Henry.

00:55:23.000 I did a movie with Henry.

00:55:24.000 He was the greatest guy.

00:55:26.000 He wrote a book called There's No Idiots on the River about fly fishing.

00:55:29.000 He loves fly fishing.

00:55:31.000 Oh, yeah.

00:55:31.000 You know what the toughest part about fly fishing is?

00:55:33.000 Telling your parents you're gay.

00:55:36.000 I'm kidding.

00:55:39.000 That's my wife's joke.

00:55:41.000 My wife's a big fisherman.

00:55:42.000 Really?

00:55:43.000 Oh, God, yeah.

00:55:43.000 Didn't you live on an island for a while?

00:55:45.000 I live.

00:55:46.000 I'm still there.

00:55:47.000 Yeah, they haven't gone up to me yet.

00:55:48.000 Are you next to Obama?

00:55:49.000 There's nowhere he lives now.

00:55:50.000 Obama lived on my road.

00:55:52.000 Obama lived on my road.

00:55:53.000 What is it like?

00:55:54.000 Can you get near the house?

00:55:55.000 Or is it like fucking guys with guns everywhere?

00:55:57.000 Guys with guns everywhere.

00:55:58.000 Really?

00:55:59.000 When he was the active president, they watered the road twice a day so the dust wouldn't rise.

00:56:06.000 Kids.

00:56:06.000 I swear to God, as God is my judge.

00:56:09.000 So I would pull up, and all the secret security would say, hey man, tell us a joke, funny man.

00:56:13.000 And I'd tell them a joke, and they'd laugh, they'd let me go.

00:56:16.000 Because the next road, this was the preliminary road stop.

00:56:20.000 Right.

00:56:21.000 To see if you even belonged in that property.

00:56:23.000 Oh, boy.

00:56:24.000 60 houses in my place where...

00:56:26.000 I live in a...

00:56:27.000 I got like a five and a half acre estate.

00:56:29.000 I married wealthy again, Joe.

00:56:31.000 I know.

00:56:31.000 You told me.

00:56:31.000 Oh, yeah.

00:56:32.000 Congratulations.

00:56:33.000 Oh, yeah.

00:56:33.000 And she's a fisherman, world-class fisherman with a boat.

00:56:37.000 Really?

00:56:38.000 Captain.

00:56:39.000 Oh, yeah.

00:56:39.000 And she takes me out and pulls me alongside these sharks and I go, no!

00:56:43.000 Get the...

00:56:44.000 We pulled up alongside a basking shark and...

00:56:48.000 The thing had to be 2,000 pounds.

00:56:51.000 Biggest thing I've ever seen.

00:56:52.000 Go ahead and pet it.

00:56:53.000 I go, I'm not going to pet it.

00:56:54.000 It doesn't have teeth.

00:56:55.000 It can't bite you.

00:56:56.000 Yeah, that's all.

00:56:57.000 Lenny Clark, gummed to death by a giant sea queen.

00:57:00.000 Get the fuck...

00:57:01.000 But I've been on her boat.

00:57:02.000 I was on her boat three times this year with great whites.

00:57:06.000 She's got a 32-foot boat.

00:57:08.000 Almost...

00:57:10.000 More than half the boat.

00:57:11.000 That big.

00:57:12.000 Great whites.

00:57:12.000 Yeah, they're everywhere.

00:57:14.000 They're everywhere.

00:57:14.000 There's a lot of them out in Martha's Vineyard right now.

00:57:16.000 Oh my god, yeah.

00:57:18.000 Yeah, they were saying they're around the Cape.

00:57:19.000 There's a lot around the Cape.

00:57:21.000 I got an app, it's called Shocktivity.

00:57:23.000 And they tag all these great whites.

00:57:27.000 Right.

00:57:27.000 And when the great whites come near where you are, beep, beep, it goes off.

00:57:30.000 And I go, oh, and you look out and you can see them.

00:57:33.000 Yeah.

00:57:33.000 Incredible.

00:57:34.000 There's a video of this guy, and this shark comes by the boat, and you can't even believe it's real.

00:57:40.000 You've seen that video?

00:57:41.000 That was on my wife's Facebook page.

00:57:44.000 Was that from the cave?

00:57:45.000 That was from the vineyard.

00:57:46.000 It was?

00:57:47.000 Yeah.

00:57:47.000 Okay, yeah.

00:57:48.000 It's insane.

00:57:48.000 It's like a 20-foot-long shark.

00:57:50.000 Yeah.

00:57:51.000 It's so big, it doesn't even make sense.

00:57:53.000 It looks fake.

00:57:54.000 Yeah, it looks fake.

00:57:55.000 It's not fake.

00:57:56.000 No.

00:57:56.000 It's unbelievable.

00:57:58.000 What the fuck do they eat out there?

00:57:59.000 Whatever they want.

00:58:00.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:58:01.000 Seals.

00:58:02.000 Seals.

00:58:02.000 There's a lot of seals.

00:58:03.000 And if you ever see seals and you're swimming in seals, leave the water.

00:58:08.000 Because the sharks are the landlord.

00:58:09.000 Did you ever see the video off of Fisherman's Wharf in San Francisco where a great white merc's a seal right in front of everybody?

00:58:15.000 Yes.

00:58:16.000 Holy shit that video, huh?

00:58:18.000 Incredible.

00:58:19.000 And the water fills with blood and that brings all the other sharks.

00:58:22.000 Just blood everywhere and the people are like gathering around the water watching it like holy fuck looking off the dock.

00:58:28.000 Do you remember Kurt Gowdy?

00:58:30.000 Yes.

00:58:31.000 His son Trevor Gowdy.

00:58:32.000 He came to me and said...

00:58:34.000 What was that?

00:58:35.000 The Wide World of Sports?

00:58:37.000 The Wide World of Sports?

00:58:37.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:58:38.000 And then he did the first five Super Bowls.

00:58:41.000 He was the man.

00:58:42.000 His voice.

00:58:43.000 So his son said, we want you to do this thing for the Outdoor Life Channel where you're a fish.

00:58:48.000 And I go, I'm not a fisherman.

00:58:49.000 I suck at this.

00:58:50.000 He goes, no, no.

00:58:51.000 He said, we'll use your wife's boat and you can be the celebrity.

00:58:54.000 I said, okay.

00:58:54.000 Because we've done five or six celebrities.

00:58:56.000 All right.

00:58:56.000 I said, okay.

00:58:56.000 What are we going to do?

00:58:57.000 Bluefish?

00:58:57.000 No, that's been done.

00:58:59.000 Albacore?

00:58:59.000 Done.

00:59:00.000 Stripe is done.

00:59:01.000 What are we going to do?

00:59:01.000 Sharks.

00:59:02.000 Sharks.

00:59:02.000 I said, so we go out on this really rough day, man.

00:59:05.000 And we go out about 60 miles.

00:59:07.000 And the water's rough.

00:59:09.000 And halfway out, we stop and catch bluefish.

00:59:11.000 I said, they're the bait.

00:59:13.000 I go, oh my God.

00:59:13.000 So we get out...

00:59:16.000 70 miles, 80 miles offshore.

00:59:18.000 I cast the line.

00:59:19.000 Within 20 seconds, I got a 400-pound Mako on my line.

00:59:24.000 A blue.

00:59:24.000 400-pound blue.

00:59:26.000 And I'm going, oh, man.

00:59:27.000 They go, reel it out.

00:59:28.000 Make it look for longer for TV. I go, fuck you.

00:59:31.000 Edit it.

00:59:31.000 This thing's heavy, right?

00:59:33.000 So...

00:59:33.000 Then she casts, and she catches a 500-pound mako.

00:59:36.000 I said, you couldn't let me be the star for 30 seconds.

00:59:39.000 So now we do the shoot.

00:59:41.000 It's unbelievable.

00:59:43.000 A year later, I'm going through Kansas City, and a guy comes up.

00:59:46.000 He goes, hey, man, I saw you on that fishing show with the sharks.

00:59:49.000 I go, yeah.

00:59:49.000 He goes, you're the worst fisherman I've ever seen in my life.

00:59:54.000 Yes, I am.

00:59:54.000 I suck at that.

00:59:56.000 But you hunting, and I saw you shooting guns the other day.

01:00:01.000 I just shot at the Matlite shootout.

01:00:05.000 He played for the Patriots, and you drive around the golf carts with shotguns.

01:00:09.000 It's amazing.

01:00:10.000 You drive around golf carts with shotguns?

01:00:12.000 Yeah, and you shoot skeet.

01:00:13.000 Oh, okay.

01:00:14.000 And you can't drink until after it's over.

01:00:17.000 The first year, you could drink.

01:00:19.000 What?

01:00:19.000 Why are you doing it?

01:00:20.000 No one got hurt, but, you know, the people with rules, you know.

01:00:23.000 So now...

01:00:27.000 I couldn't get to skeet, so I was shooting off limbs of trees.

01:00:30.000 Boom!

01:00:31.000 Hey, Lenny, you're clear of that guy's view.

01:00:33.000 But now, so every year I'm in the celebrity quick draw, you know?

01:00:38.000 It's a pistol.

01:00:39.000 Because long guns, I'm pretty good.

01:00:41.000 I must say I'm really good at long guns.

01:00:43.000 But pistols, not so much.

01:00:44.000 But I'm fast.

01:00:46.000 So, I mean, like if you needed a guy to lay down suppression fire, I'd be your guy.

01:00:50.000 So we go, draw!

01:00:51.000 And I don't hit anything.

01:00:53.000 But this year, I hit four out of five.

01:00:54.000 And I saw you shooting the other day.

01:00:56.000 You're a pretty good shot.

01:00:57.000 Not really.

01:00:57.000 I'm learning.

01:00:59.000 I want a gun.

01:01:00.000 When you see a guy like this guy named Taron Butler who runs that Taron Tactical place, when you see him shoot, he's like a world champion shooter, you go, oh, okay.

01:01:09.000 I get it.

01:01:10.000 There's levels.

01:01:11.000 There's levels to this.

01:01:12.000 I look slow as fuck to someone like him.

01:01:14.000 I shot with the fastest guy, fastest pistol guy in the world.

01:01:19.000 And he said, Lenny, you're very fast, but you're a horrible aim.

01:01:22.000 You have no aim whatsoever.

01:01:24.000 But you're very quick.

01:01:25.000 Well, I'm learning about that world, the world of competitive shooters because of that Terran tactical place.

01:01:30.000 Me and Tom Segura, we started going down there.

01:01:32.000 Because have you ever seen Tom stand up?

01:01:34.000 No.

01:01:34.000 Fucking hilarious.

01:01:35.000 I heard he's hilarious.

01:01:37.000 He's fucking hilarious.

01:01:38.000 I've seen some of his stuff on YouTube.

01:01:40.000 Yeah, he's great.

01:01:40.000 We worked together for the first time 12 years ago with Charlie Murphy, rest in peace.

01:01:45.000 Me and Charlie and John Heffron were doing this Maxim Bud Light comedy tour.

01:01:49.000 Yes!

01:01:50.000 And we toured around the country and they would have a local guy open up and do a few minutes before Heffron and Heffron were going up.

01:01:58.000 It would be either me or Charlie after him.

01:02:00.000 Right.

01:02:00.000 And Segura went up in Phoenix and the fucking guy was so funny.

01:02:05.000 I couldn't believe how funny it was.

01:02:06.000 I didn't know who he was.

01:02:07.000 I'm like, how long have you been doing it?

01:02:08.000 He's only been doing it like a few years.

01:02:10.000 And we became great friends ever since.

01:02:12.000 And now you're up shooting guys.

01:02:13.000 But then we do this Sober October thing every year with Ari Shafir and Bert Kreischer.

01:02:17.000 And this year we have to take 10 different classes of something, anything.

01:02:22.000 Yoga class, boxing class.

01:02:23.000 So we started taking tactical shooting and learning.

01:02:27.000 You know, just learning how to shoot pistols correctly.

01:02:29.000 Because I knew how to shoot rifles for hunting, but I've never...

01:02:32.000 The only thing I've ever...

01:02:33.000 I've shot pistols before, but with no instruction.

01:02:36.000 I just pulled the trigger and, you know, I wasn't good at it.

01:02:38.000 Kenny Rogerson says that I am the worst hunter in the world because when I moved to the vineyard, I remember the first...

01:02:45.000 There's deer everywhere out there, isn't there?

01:02:46.000 I didn't know that.

01:02:48.000 And I came home one night, lit up, and I got out of my car, and a deer just popped in front of the door.

01:02:54.000 I backed up and stepped on a wild turkey's foot or hoof, whatever they got.

01:02:59.000 So I'm going, holy shit, baby, the zoo must be...

01:03:02.000 They broke out of the zoo.

01:03:05.000 These are animals.

01:03:06.000 They're not going to live around my property, so I got a gun, right?

01:03:09.000 And...

01:03:10.000 The squirrels were eating all my bird feed, and I feed the birds.

01:03:13.000 And so I'd say, I'm going to kill you, bastard.

01:03:15.000 First I was throwing furniture at them, and I got a couple of them.

01:03:18.000 But then I really didn't want to kill them, but I figured I'd like to shoot the tail off.

01:03:24.000 But the bastards move, and I'd get them in the head.

01:03:26.000 And I'd go, no.

01:03:27.000 So the squirrel's suffering.

01:03:28.000 I'd go, no, look what you made me do, you stupid bastard.

01:03:30.000 Did you ever eat them?

01:03:32.000 No, no.

01:03:32.000 They taste good.

01:03:33.000 Squirrels are good.

01:03:34.000 Well, yeah, I give them to the people in the neighborhood.

01:03:37.000 Yeah.

01:03:37.000 But I don't kill them anymore because I felt bad because I didn't want to kill them.

01:03:42.000 You just didn't want them to eat the bird food.

01:03:44.000 Exactly.

01:03:45.000 Yeah, we had a problem with our chickens.

01:03:46.000 The squirrels were getting into the chicken coop and eating the chicken food.

01:03:49.000 Well, the deer.

01:03:50.000 Now, the deer.

01:03:52.000 My wife swerved ahead of the deer.

01:03:53.000 I totaled the caddy.

01:03:54.000 The caddy's gone.

01:03:56.000 So, the other night, I'm coming home.

01:03:58.000 They tell you not to swerve.

01:03:59.000 I don't swerve.

01:04:00.000 I go for them.

01:04:01.000 I chase the bastards.

01:04:02.000 Oh, I chase them right through a field.

01:04:03.000 I didn't get them, but But you could die that way, too.

01:04:04.000 Yeah, oh yeah, because you know...

01:04:06.000 My friend Cam, he lives in Eugene, Oregon, and a guy in his neighborhood, a guy in front of him hit a deer, and it flew up in the air and landed through his windshield and killed him.

01:04:16.000 Oh!

01:04:17.000 Yeah, so driving down the highway, guy in front hits the deer.

01:04:20.000 Boom!

01:04:21.000 Deer comes flying through the air.

01:04:22.000 Bang!

01:04:23.000 Right through the windshield.

01:04:23.000 To the second guy's windshield.

01:04:25.000 Yep, to the second guy's windshield.

01:04:26.000 That's why I never follow anyone.

01:04:27.000 Always lead.

01:04:28.000 Lead, lead, lead, lead.

01:04:29.000 Be the lead pony, man.

01:04:31.000 But behind me, that's not bad.

01:04:34.000 But with the deer...

01:04:38.000 When I got there, I had a partial view of the ocean.

01:04:42.000 It used to be a real ocean view.

01:04:44.000 And at the time, I was the only one there.

01:04:46.000 So I said, hey, it'd be terrible if a typhoon came and took all these trees down.

01:04:50.000 And the trees came down.

01:04:52.000 But I replaced every tree that was missing.

01:04:54.000 We bought out two nurseries.

01:04:57.000 Of course you do.

01:04:58.000 Two nurseries that were going out.

01:04:59.000 Is it illegal to chop trees down?

01:05:02.000 Evidently.

01:05:03.000 I'm glad you didn't do that.

01:05:04.000 Why would I do that?

01:05:05.000 I'm a law-abiding person.

01:05:07.000 I understand that.

01:05:08.000 So I bought two nurseries going out of business.

01:05:11.000 We have 500 trees.

01:05:13.000 None of them over six feet tall.

01:05:14.000 But then we had gardens and vegetables and stuff like that.

01:05:18.000 And the deer were eating them.

01:05:20.000 And I'm at the beach one day and I'm pissed off.

01:05:22.000 I'm saying, these goddamn deer.

01:05:24.000 And this old guy comes to me, excuse me, excuse me, I overheard your conversation.

01:05:29.000 This is what deer don't eat.

01:05:32.000 And he gave me a list of like 50 things.

01:05:34.000 So I went out and bought everything.

01:05:35.000 And a week later I saw him, hey shithead, evidently my dear can't read because they ate all of that.

01:05:40.000 And then I just...

01:05:43.000 I'm not good at killing stuff, although I did kill a couple, you know.

01:05:47.000 By mistake, I really did.

01:05:48.000 I tried to scare them and, you know, they ran into the bullet, I suppose.

01:05:51.000 What were you shooting them with?

01:05:52.000 Well, this was a.22, like the Rifleman.

01:05:55.000 Remember that?

01:05:55.000 Yeah.

01:05:57.000 Rifleman.

01:05:57.000 Yeah.

01:05:58.000 Chuck Connish.

01:05:59.000 Yes, I remember that.

01:06:00.000 Oh, yeah, man.

01:06:00.000 I used to love that.

01:06:01.000 Well, I got one just like that.

01:06:02.000 Black and white.

01:06:03.000 Yeah.

01:06:03.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:06:04.000 Old school TV show.

01:06:06.000 And I got really good with it, you know.

01:06:07.000 Like one of those repeating, like a Henry rifle.

01:06:09.000 Exactly.

01:06:09.000 Exactly!

01:06:10.000 Exactly!

01:06:11.000 They still make those, you know.

01:06:12.000 Henry Rifles is like a big rifle company.

01:06:14.000 Kenny came down one week at Kenny Rogers and stayed up all night.

01:06:18.000 He refused to sleep.

01:06:20.000 Went through about 300 rounds and the gun was still smoking the next morning.

01:06:25.000 I gotta get it fixed now.

01:06:28.000 So I have other guns.

01:06:29.000 But anyway, I'd call up my caretaker and say, hey man, you want a date?

01:06:34.000 Yeah, I'm on my way.

01:06:35.000 So he came over.

01:06:36.000 He said, how many did you kill?

01:06:36.000 I go, oh, just this one.

01:06:37.000 He goes, two more in the yard.

01:06:39.000 And I go, because I was firing into the bushes to scare him.

01:06:43.000 Evidently, I got them.

01:06:44.000 Is there a rule on how many you're allowed to kill?

01:06:47.000 Are you shooting them during season?

01:06:49.000 Or are you just shooting them as a nuisance?

01:06:50.000 I shot one from my kitchen table.

01:06:52.000 I said, get out!

01:06:55.000 The window?

01:06:55.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah, right through the window.

01:06:56.000 Oh, my God.

01:06:57.000 So, I had the screen door open.

01:06:58.000 Yeah.

01:06:59.000 I don't do that anymore, but it's just...

01:07:03.000 Jay Miller.

01:07:04.000 You know Jay Miller, the hockey player, played for the Bruins.

01:07:06.000 They hired him to protect Gretzky years ago.

01:07:09.000 I think he may have lost one fight in his life.

01:07:12.000 He's a tough, tough son of a bitch.

01:07:14.000 Anyway, hockey's 10 best top fights.

01:07:18.000 He's in like three of them.

01:07:19.000 So he says, can I come hunting your property?

01:07:21.000 I go...

01:07:22.000 That'd be great.

01:07:23.000 Come over and kill all my deer.

01:07:24.000 So he gets like six or seven guys and they come over with these unbelievable bandoleros and shit.

01:07:30.000 Jesus Christ.

01:07:32.000 So he's beeping a horn in his trucks and they're all in these big trucks.

01:07:35.000 I go, hey, how you doing, Jay?

01:07:37.000 Man, I'm so glad you're here.

01:07:38.000 Go, kill everyone you can find.

01:07:39.000 He goes, oh no, man, it's not deer season.

01:07:41.000 We're killing rabbits today.

01:07:43.000 And you hear my wife in the boat?

01:07:44.000 Not my rabbits!

01:07:45.000 So I gotta go out and tell these fucking monster hunters.

01:07:49.000 I said, hey man, listen to me.

01:07:50.000 My neighbors, both of my neighbors are gone.

01:07:53.000 Go down there and kill every rabbit you can find.

01:07:56.000 But, I mean, imagine that.

01:07:58.000 I'm telling these testosterone.

01:08:01.000 They look like Mexicans.

01:08:02.000 They're coming down there to kill rabbits?

01:08:04.000 That seems ridiculous.

01:08:05.000 No, no.

01:08:05.000 All the way to Martha's Vineyard to kill rabbits?

01:08:07.000 There's a lot of rabbits there, man.

01:08:09.000 There's rabbits and skunks.

01:08:11.000 Right.

01:08:11.000 And someone brought skunks are not indigenous to the vineyard.

01:08:17.000 This asshole brought skunks over because he was pissed off at some other rules he couldn't do.

01:08:22.000 Oh, no.

01:08:22.000 And they multiplied.

01:08:24.000 Oh, Jesus Christ.

01:08:25.000 I've seen baby skunks, you know.

01:08:26.000 Somebody brought skunks over to piss somebody else off?

01:08:28.000 Yep.

01:08:29.000 Yep.

01:08:29.000 Who is this guy?

01:08:31.000 Name them out.

01:08:32.000 Fuck that guy.

01:08:33.000 Oh, I know.

01:08:34.000 It'll come to me.

01:08:35.000 I'll text you his name.

01:08:36.000 They're cute little animals, but they'll fuck your chickens up, too.

01:08:39.000 Do you know skunks are predators?

01:08:41.000 They'll fuck your dog up.

01:08:42.000 Oh, yeah.

01:08:43.000 You know what I mean?

01:08:44.000 If you've got a cat...

01:08:45.000 They'll spray the shit out of them, too.

01:08:46.000 Oh, God.

01:08:46.000 That's terrible.

01:08:47.000 Then they've got to bathe them in tomato juice and shit.

01:08:49.000 It doesn't work.

01:08:50.000 My dog got zapped.

01:08:52.000 Not the dog out here, not Marshall, but when I was a kid, my dog in Boston got zapped.

01:08:56.000 Tomato just didn't do jack shit.

01:08:58.000 She stunk for fucking weeks.

01:09:00.000 And we kept shampooing her.

01:09:02.000 You know when you asked, is there a limit for the animals you can kill?

01:09:05.000 When I killed my first turkey, I thought that some guy owned all these wild turkeys.

01:09:12.000 Oh, that's funny.

01:09:13.000 And when there was three missing, I go, he's gonna know.

01:09:15.000 There's three missing.

01:09:16.000 He's gonna come up here and give me lots of shit.

01:09:19.000 You know, get rid of them.

01:09:20.000 And they cooked it.

01:09:21.000 It was really gamey.

01:09:22.000 I had a piece of it.

01:09:23.000 Not good, you know.

01:09:24.000 You gotta cook it right, and you gotta prepare it right, but I've had wild turkey, and it was really good.

01:09:27.000 Yeah, I'm sure if you do it right, but these guys, they have no teeth and everything.

01:09:33.000 Is there a hunting season on Martha's Vineyard where you can shoot deer?

01:09:37.000 Yes, there is.

01:09:37.000 Really?

01:09:38.000 Yeah, I think it's twice.

01:09:39.000 And then there's bow and arrow season, too, because I let some guys put up stands in my yard.

01:09:45.000 Really?

01:09:45.000 Yeah, I got five and a half acres.

01:09:46.000 How many deer do you have out there?

01:09:48.000 A lot of deer, Joe.

01:09:48.000 A lot of deer.

01:09:50.000 And, you know, I've noticed you're a lot of 12-point bucks.

01:09:54.000 These are elk.

01:09:55.000 That's an elk.

01:09:56.000 Okay, well, there was a 10-point buck in my property that a guy bagged in.

01:10:02.000 Wow, that's a big deer.

01:10:03.000 Yeah, it's a huge deer.

01:10:04.000 And they have little deers, you know, the Bambi deers.

01:10:07.000 But there's no predators.

01:10:09.000 No.

01:10:09.000 That's the thing about Martha's Vineyard.

01:10:11.000 If they're out on that island.

01:10:12.000 Yeah.

01:10:12.000 How the fuck did they get out there?

01:10:14.000 I don't know, Joe.

01:10:15.000 The guy brought the skunks in.

01:10:17.000 Maybe the Indians.

01:10:19.000 I don't know.

01:10:21.000 They might have swam.

01:10:22.000 They could swim.

01:10:24.000 They can.

01:10:24.000 They can swim.

01:10:25.000 I've seen them swim across rivers.

01:10:27.000 And if you swim on a calm day from Falmouth to the vineyard, it's probably five, six miles.

01:10:34.000 You could do that.

01:10:34.000 It could be done.

01:10:35.000 It could be done.

01:10:36.000 For sure.

01:10:36.000 And who knows?

01:10:37.000 It might have been closer at one point in time in history.

01:10:39.000 They have the Cape Cod Railroad train.

01:10:42.000 They had a bear Take the train.

01:10:46.000 Joe, I swear to God, he got on the garbage train, and he was eating the garbage, drove across the canal, you know, they let the railroad bridge down, and the bear is showered down, and no one even knows.

01:10:57.000 And people call, there's a bear on the train, and they go, yeah, that's very funny.

01:11:01.000 And he ended up down near the bottom of the cave.

01:11:04.000 Well, there's a shitload of them in Pasadena.

01:11:06.000 Really?

01:11:06.000 Yeah, they hop in people's pools.

01:11:08.000 It's a real problem.

01:11:09.000 Oh.

01:11:10.000 There's one of my favorite videos.

01:11:11.000 This guy's walking down the street, looking at his phone.

01:11:14.000 He's just looking at his phone, not even paying attention.

01:11:16.000 And he literally, a bear's like, from you to me.

01:11:19.000 And he's like, ah!

01:11:20.000 And then he turns and runs away.

01:11:21.000 And the bear's like, ah!

01:11:23.000 They're black bear.

01:11:24.000 They're not that dangerous.

01:11:26.000 They can be dangerous.

01:11:27.000 What would you rather have in your pool?

01:11:29.000 A black bear or an alligator?

01:11:31.000 A black bear.

01:11:32.000 Yeah, me too.

01:11:33.000 Because you could talk to the bear.

01:11:35.000 You could scare the bear away.

01:11:36.000 Get out of here, you fuck!

01:11:38.000 The alligator.

01:11:40.000 That's right.

01:11:41.000 Goddamn dinosaurs.

01:11:42.000 Yeah, look at this one.

01:11:43.000 This is these two old people.

01:11:45.000 Is this Pastina as well?

01:11:46.000 So these two old people.

01:11:47.000 Is that a bear in the back that I'm looking at?

01:11:49.000 They're not even paying attention.

01:11:51.000 And watch, the guy locks his door, walks away, and this fucking bear is like, hello.

01:11:56.000 Oh, my God.

01:11:57.000 Well, he seems like a nice bear.

01:11:58.000 Well, it's a residential bear is what it is.

01:12:01.000 They're used to being around people.

01:12:02.000 That's a habituated bear.

01:12:04.000 That's the problem.

01:12:05.000 I'd like to teach him how to drive a lawnmower.

01:12:07.000 Pasadena's a beautiful place.

01:12:08.000 Imagine having your bear drive the lawnmower.

01:12:10.000 Wouldn't that be something?

01:12:11.000 Did you ever work out there in Pasadena at the Ice House?

01:12:14.000 Yes, I have.

01:12:15.000 Yeah, well, 30 years ago.

01:12:17.000 Fucking love it out there.

01:12:18.000 And so, you know, they're butted up against the mountains out there.

01:12:21.000 Yeah.

01:12:21.000 You know, it's pretty close to Big Bear as well, so there's a lot of bears out there in that area.

01:12:25.000 And they hop in people's pools and swim around.

01:12:27.000 People come home, there's fucking mama bear and two cubs swimming around their pool.

01:12:31.000 Don't fuck with the mama bear.

01:12:32.000 No, no, no.

01:12:33.000 No, no, yeah.

01:12:34.000 Four people have been jacked so far just this bow hunting season in Montana by grizzlies.

01:12:39.000 And it's almost always a mama bear with cubs.

01:12:42.000 Now, where do you go in Montana?

01:12:44.000 Well, I haven't hunted in Montana in a few years.

01:12:46.000 Last time I actually hunted in Montana was with Bourdain.

01:12:49.000 We went pheasant hunting outside of Bozeman.

01:12:54.000 My wife's got a place in Bozeman.

01:12:56.000 Bozeman's fantastic.

01:12:56.000 It's unbelievable.

01:12:58.000 It's gorgeous.

01:12:58.000 Did you ever go to that hotel where a guy rode the horse into the elevator?

01:13:01.000 He was in Stripes.

01:13:03.000 I forget his name.

01:13:03.000 I swear the guy rode the horse into the elevator.

01:13:05.000 Because I said, where's the guy riding the horse?

01:13:07.000 He was over there.

01:13:07.000 Stripes.

01:13:08.000 Yeah, the guy who was the drill sergeant.

01:13:12.000 He did a lot of movies anyway.

01:13:14.000 Yeah, I haven't been to that one, but yeah, Bozeman's fucking great.

01:13:17.000 But most, I hunt in Utah, I've hunted in Colorado, I've hunted in Alaska, I've hunted in a lot of places.

01:13:25.000 Montana is amazing.

01:13:28.000 We went there after the Whittier earthquake, because she flipped out.

01:13:31.000 So we left, and the first flight out was Utah, and then from Utah we went to Bozeman.

01:13:36.000 Just to hide while the earth falls apart?

01:13:38.000 Yeah, right, yeah.

01:13:39.000 So now, we go into Yellowstone, and they're snowmobiling, you know?

01:13:46.000 And I had never done that, you know what I mean?

01:13:48.000 It's fine.

01:13:50.000 There were no rules.

01:13:51.000 Well, to go to Yellowstone now, Clinton had it.

01:13:56.000 You have to go on a tour.

01:13:57.000 Back then, you could go just rent and go off on your own.

01:14:01.000 Oh, really?

01:14:02.000 Oh, yeah.

01:14:03.000 Clinton changed that?

01:14:04.000 Yeah, she did.

01:14:05.000 Why did Clinton change that?

01:14:06.000 I don't know.

01:14:07.000 You can't get your dick sucked out there in the forest.

01:14:09.000 You catch me?

01:14:10.000 Fuck you.

01:14:12.000 You got to stay on the trail.

01:14:14.000 I ended up going to...

01:14:16.000 Old Faithful Lodge.

01:14:20.000 And, you know, I was still smoking and drinking, I think, back then.

01:14:23.000 Yeah.

01:14:23.000 And I wanted to see if that Old Faithful, if it went off every hour on the hour.

01:14:30.000 And so I went out at like four in the morning.

01:14:33.000 I think it's a scam.

01:14:35.000 I'm going to be an investigative reporter.

01:14:37.000 So I'm smoking a joint, and I'm out there.

01:14:39.000 It's just me.

01:14:40.000 And out comes this elk from the other side.

01:14:44.000 And he looks at me, and I look at him, and I go, I don't want to fuck with this guy.

01:14:49.000 And the thing went off, and we both looked, and then we both just backed away.

01:14:53.000 It's wild, man.

01:14:55.000 Some guy got attacked recently, a lady, by an elk.

01:14:58.000 Yep.

01:14:59.000 Well, you know what?

01:15:00.000 They were fucking with it.

01:15:01.000 They're trying to take selfies and shit.

01:15:03.000 Yeah, you can't do that.

01:15:03.000 Especially right now, because they're fucking right now.

01:15:05.000 This is a rut.

01:15:06.000 Like, right now, it's towards the end of the rut, because we're into October.

01:15:09.000 But the rut is basically from, like, the first week in September to somewhere around the last week in September.

01:15:15.000 It might go on.

01:15:16.000 Sometimes they'll rut into October.

01:15:18.000 In California, they'll still rut right now.

01:15:20.000 They're still rutting right now.

01:15:22.000 For them, when they're fucking, it's called a rut?

01:15:24.000 Yeah, it's called a rut.

01:15:24.000 Yeah, because when I'm not fucking, that's a rut.

01:15:26.000 That's a rut.

01:15:27.000 That's hilarious.

01:15:28.000 Now, I'm just coming out of a rut.

01:15:31.000 What happened?

01:15:33.000 In West Yellowstone, it's the snowmobile capital of the world.

01:15:37.000 And they have guys that come out from Michigan with souped up Snowmobiles that, you know, like rockets.

01:15:46.000 And there's gangs of nice people, real nice people.

01:15:48.000 And I met some, they were in a bar.

01:15:51.000 And everyone in West Yellowstone drives around on the streets in the snowmobiles.

01:15:55.000 There's more snowmobiles than cars.

01:15:56.000 I didn't even see that many cars.

01:15:57.000 So I'm pretty fucked up.

01:15:58.000 And I start getting cocky after day two on the snowmobile.

01:16:02.000 And I go up off this ridge, and I'm airborne.

01:16:04.000 And I come down in some fucking trees.

01:16:07.000 That's how I... So now the snowmobile is buried, right?

01:16:12.000 And my wife goes, what the fuck have you done?

01:16:14.000 I don't know.

01:16:15.000 Help me.

01:16:16.000 We can't pull that out.

01:16:18.000 And who comes up but the guys I met in the bar that morning, 10 of them, and they pulled it out with me.

01:16:22.000 And they said, you should be able to make it back.

01:16:25.000 And I go, why?

01:16:25.000 Well, the front's all fucked up.

01:16:26.000 And I went, okay.

01:16:27.000 So we bring it back.

01:16:28.000 And she says, what are you going to tell the guy?

01:16:29.000 I go, I'm going to tell him we got charged by Buffalo.

01:16:36.000 So she checks in hers, and I call the guy, excuse you, sir, I've got to talk to you for a second.

01:16:43.000 I say, what happened?

01:16:44.000 I say, well, let's see what happened here.

01:16:45.000 And he goes, what happened?

01:16:46.000 And she goes, I walked over just as the guy was saying, by Buffalo, huh?

01:16:53.000 Guy goes, guy says, kid, I've never heard that story, ever, ever.

01:16:57.000 I've never heard anything charged about Buffalo.

01:16:59.000 I said, I was 150 bucks.

01:17:02.000 I said, great!

01:17:02.000 He says, I should have charged you three.

01:17:04.000 I said, hey, but I would have paid it.

01:17:06.000 Oh, it was all fucked up.

01:17:08.000 The light was broken.

01:17:10.000 But you can't do that anymore.

01:17:11.000 Last time I was in Aspen, we rented snowmobiles, and there's like a course that you go.

01:17:17.000 They take you on this run, and they take you all the way up into the mountains.

01:17:20.000 There's a whole area they can take you.

01:17:22.000 They stop.

01:17:23.000 You get hot chocolate.

01:17:24.000 You overlook this Trout River.

01:17:25.000 It's fucking fantastic.

01:17:27.000 It's really cool.

01:17:28.000 Aspen is amazing.

01:17:30.000 Joe, I went out to Aspen with a buddy of mine who owned D'Angelo's sub shops.

01:17:38.000 Brian McLaughlin, he's a great guy.

01:17:39.000 I said, why do you call your sub shops D'Angelo's?

01:17:41.000 Would you buy a sub from a guy named McLaughlin?

01:17:44.000 I said, well, no, no.

01:17:45.000 We fly out in this jet, we stop in Vegas, and we end up at the Glenn Frey Ed Podolak tournament.

01:17:51.000 It used to be Glenn Frey.

01:17:53.000 From the Eagles?

01:17:54.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:17:55.000 How cool is that, right?

01:17:56.000 So now we're out there and we check into this Hotel Jerome, right?

01:18:01.000 And he says, what do you want to do?

01:18:03.000 I said, well, you know what?

01:18:03.000 I'd really like to get a mountain bike and come down that ski slope.

01:18:08.000 Yeah.

01:18:11.000 I don't know if you can do that.

01:18:11.000 Tell you what.

01:18:12.000 So he rents three SUVs.

01:18:14.000 There's like 12 of us.

01:18:15.000 And we rent mountain bikes, you know.

01:18:18.000 And he takes us up to the top of like the Continental Divide or some shit.

01:18:23.000 And he goes, okay, let's go.

01:18:24.000 And there's no guides.

01:18:25.000 I had flip-flops on, right?

01:18:27.000 No helmets.

01:18:28.000 I went down.

01:18:29.000 14,000 feet.

01:18:30.000 I'm passing fucking cars.

01:18:32.000 And he says, somebody get that fucking moron.

01:18:34.000 So the SUVs, Brian wants you to pull over.

01:18:37.000 And I go, what the?

01:18:38.000 You didn't get fucking killed.

01:18:39.000 This is like a 10,000 foot drop on the side.

01:18:41.000 And I go, all right, man.

01:18:42.000 All right.

01:18:42.000 Because it was just so much fucking fun.

01:18:44.000 I don't give a shit.

01:18:45.000 So he ends up getting bumped by one of the guys in the group.

01:18:50.000 Real asshole.

01:18:50.000 No one liked it anyway.

01:18:51.000 Ends up in the fucking hospital.

01:18:53.000 So he rides by me.

01:18:54.000 He's covered in fucking blood.

01:18:56.000 And I go, what happened?

01:18:57.000 He goes, I'll be okay, man.

01:18:58.000 Just get back to the hotel.

01:19:00.000 So now I got to pedal back to the fucking hotel because I'm at the bottom of the knot.

01:19:03.000 We got to pedal back to the drum.

01:19:04.000 So I said, how's he doing?

01:19:06.000 He said, he doesn't want to see you.

01:19:07.000 I said, what?

01:19:08.000 He said, he doesn't want to see you.

01:19:09.000 I said, why?

01:19:10.000 He says, he's afraid you'll make him laugh.

01:19:12.000 So I went in and I said, Brian, the minute I walked in, he started laughing.

01:19:14.000 He goes, get out, take the fucking jet and just go home.

01:19:18.000 It hurts me so much to laugh.

01:19:20.000 But it was funny you mention the Eagles because the night before, we golf.

01:19:25.000 We golf at this.

01:19:26.000 I mean, everyone's at Kevin Costner, all these big stars.

01:19:28.000 I remember Kevin Costner says, what are we eating?

01:19:30.000 And I says, well, if you have what you eat, I'm a cunt.

01:19:33.000 You know what I mean?

01:19:36.000 He said, can I use that?

01:19:37.000 I said, you can have it, brother.

01:19:39.000 And it's like wild game buffet, you know?

01:19:43.000 At every hall, they have like animals that, endangered species and shit, you know?

01:19:48.000 It's really great.

01:19:49.000 And booze and friendly women.

01:19:52.000 It was really, really crazy.

01:19:54.000 So after the thing, we shower up and we go to this little place, must have held about 250, and the show is the Eagles.

01:20:02.000 The fucking entire band.

01:20:03.000 250 people and the Eagles.

01:20:05.000 And we're walking in and they go, hey Brian, how you doing?

01:20:08.000 And Brian's going, hey, I go, Brian, that's the fucking Eagles.

01:20:10.000 He goes, yeah, I left in my yard one week.

01:20:12.000 They never fucking forgot about it.

01:20:13.000 Everybody's with them, so we met the fucking Eagles.

01:20:16.000 Oh yeah, it was crazy.

01:20:17.000 Wow.

01:20:18.000 Yeah, how wild is that?

01:20:19.000 Holy shit.

01:20:20.000 Well, Aspen's famous for that kind of partying, right?

01:20:22.000 Yeah.

01:20:23.000 I think that's why they used to have that Aspen Comedy Festival up there.

01:20:26.000 It was like an excuse.

01:20:26.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:20:27.000 I did that one, yeah.

01:20:28.000 It was an excuse for people to ski and party.

01:20:30.000 Yeah.

01:20:30.000 I mean, Aspen's cool.

01:20:31.000 I mean, I go to Vail every year for cystic fibrosis.

01:20:34.000 We do a big tournament up there.

01:20:35.000 It's a ski tournament.

01:20:36.000 You race and shit.

01:20:37.000 And I'm horrible.

01:20:38.000 But, you know, people pay big money to see me crash.

01:20:41.000 I do it for the kids.

01:20:43.000 Yeah, that whole Aspen area, you know, it's beautiful in the winter, but my God, when you go there in the summer and you see what it looks like, you go, now I know why all these rich people live up here.

01:20:52.000 Oh, my, yeah.

01:20:53.000 It's stunning.

01:20:54.000 It was the only time I was ever there where there wasn't snow.

01:20:56.000 I think I did the Aspen Company Festival twice and it was all snow.

01:21:00.000 And then the year I golfed with Brian in the Climb Tri tournament, it was just beautiful.

01:21:05.000 Gorgeous in the summer.

01:21:06.000 Gorgeous.

01:21:06.000 And hunting.

01:21:07.000 A lot of hunting up there.

01:21:08.000 A lot of hunting.

01:21:09.000 I could see me and you hunting from the chairlift.

01:21:12.000 Well, there's more elk in Colorado than I think any other state.

01:21:15.000 I think it's got the most elk of any state.

01:21:17.000 And you eat almost everything you kill, right?

01:21:19.000 Oh, I eat everything I kill.

01:21:22.000 Most of what I eat is elk.

01:21:23.000 I'm having elk for dinner tonight.

01:21:24.000 I marinated it today.

01:21:26.000 No kidding.

01:21:26.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:21:27.000 I marinated it and vacuum sealed it.

01:21:29.000 It's in the fridge right now.

01:21:30.000 I get home, I'll cook it.

01:21:31.000 Yeah.

01:21:32.000 Yeah.

01:21:32.000 I cook it a bunch of different ways.

01:21:34.000 I eat sausage.

01:21:35.000 See, so that's good.

01:21:37.000 See, I don't want to be out killing animals just to kill them.

01:21:40.000 No, no.

01:21:41.000 I feel bad.

01:21:42.000 I mean, look, I would if they were nuisance animals.

01:21:45.000 Like if a coyote was killing my chickens, I'd kill that fucking coyote.

01:21:48.000 I'd run them over.

01:21:49.000 Yeah.

01:21:50.000 No, I love elk.

01:21:51.000 It's the healthiest food you can eat, and I eat it almost every day.

01:21:55.000 What's the biggest animal you think you've killed?

01:21:57.000 I killed a moose once.

01:21:58.000 I'm old.

01:21:59.000 Yeah, that was enormous.

01:22:00.000 That was about 1,000 pounds.

01:22:02.000 I saw one up in Maine.

01:22:04.000 They're huge.

01:22:05.000 They're unbelievable.

01:22:06.000 They're so big, it doesn't even make sense.

01:22:07.000 When you see one walk across the road for the first time, the first time I saw it, I was like, what the fuck?

01:22:12.000 Well, the first time I ever saw a moose in the wild, actually, we pulled over.

01:22:17.000 I was hunting with my friend Mike Hawkins in BC, in British Columbia, and we pulled over to the side of the road, and we look out at this field, and it was just cows.

01:22:26.000 It wasn't even bulls, and they were walking across the field.

01:22:28.000 It was like Jurassic Park.

01:22:30.000 I couldn't believe how big they were.

01:22:32.000 I was like, look at those fucking things.

01:22:34.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:22:35.000 Like, Jesus Christ, they're so big.

01:22:37.000 And when they're angry.

01:22:38.000 Oh my God, you're fucked.

01:22:40.000 Very, very dangerous.

01:22:41.000 Well, Mike got chased by one.

01:22:42.000 He was riding on a horse, and a fucking cow moose started chasing him.

01:22:48.000 And he said he barely got away.

01:22:50.000 That fast?

01:22:51.000 Oh my God, so fast.

01:22:53.000 They're so big!

01:22:53.000 Yeah, they're huge.

01:22:54.000 Their legs are so long.

01:22:55.000 And they look gangly and shit, but when they're in motion...

01:22:58.000 Well, they look gangly so that they can walk through swamps, and they spend a lot of time.

01:23:02.000 Like, my buddy John Dudley is actually in British Columbia right now hunting moose.

01:23:08.000 He actually shot one yesterday.

01:23:09.000 If you go to KnockOnTV on Instagram, he shot a moose yesterday, and his buddy shot one a couple of days ago that is one of the biggest moose I've ever seen in my life.

01:23:20.000 But it's all swamps.

01:23:21.000 So these things are in the swamp, so those long legs aid them because they can walk through that swamp water.

01:23:27.000 You know, I mean, they're literally like where their body starts, the bottom of their body starts, it might be five and a half feet off the ground.

01:23:36.000 Wow.

01:23:36.000 That's how big they are.

01:23:37.000 And then the rest of them, and then the head and the fucking antlers, everything is enormous.

01:23:41.000 They're huge.

01:23:42.000 You mentioned you were shooting pheasant with Baudin.

01:23:45.000 Yeah.

01:23:47.000 I never met him.

01:23:47.000 I always wanted to meet him.

01:23:48.000 I love his shows.

01:23:49.000 He was awesome.

01:23:49.000 Now, you obviously ate the pheasant when you got it, right?

01:23:54.000 I didn't get one, but he got one.

01:23:55.000 I clipped one.

01:23:57.000 I missed it.

01:23:57.000 I just knocked a feather loose.

01:23:58.000 I went down to my wife's house in Virginia early on, and I met her dad.

01:24:03.000 Her dad was a big bird hunter.

01:24:06.000 I said, well, you never ate pheasant?

01:24:07.000 You never ate pheasant?

01:24:08.000 And he went to the closet, pulled out a shotgun, right?

01:24:13.000 Went out, I hear, bam, bam!

01:24:14.000 We're eating pheasant tonight.

01:24:16.000 He had killed the pheasant in his backyard.

01:24:18.000 Oh, wow.

01:24:18.000 There was lots of pheasants in Middleburg, Virginia.

01:24:21.000 It's like horse country.

01:24:22.000 And the first time I ever ate pheasant, it was unbelievable.

01:24:25.000 They're very, very good.

01:24:26.000 Now, it's funny you mentioned Bourdain.

01:24:28.000 Is there anybody, you know, because you're in a great position now, Joe.

01:24:31.000 Is there anyone that you'd like to meet that you haven't met yet?

01:24:36.000 Sure.

01:24:37.000 Yeah.

01:24:37.000 A lot of scientists.

01:24:39.000 Like Dawkins.

01:24:41.000 I'm going to meet Richard Dawkins soon.

01:24:42.000 He's going to do the podcast.

01:24:43.000 I'm very excited to meet him.

01:24:45.000 But no, I mean, you know.

01:24:46.000 And that's funny you said it because I agree.

01:24:49.000 Scientists should be our rock stars.

01:24:51.000 They should be our superheroes.

01:24:53.000 Me too.

01:24:54.000 I mean, these people can change the course of life for not just one, but for many.

01:25:00.000 Well, it's also important, too, for a dummy like me to have someone like that explain.

01:25:04.000 Like, I have this guy, Sean Carroll, was just here a couple days ago, and he was trying to explain to me quantum physics and quantum mechanics.

01:25:11.000 It's like, I've read that book, I've listened to that book on tape, I listened to him talk, and I might have got, like, 1% of what he was trying to convey, because it's really complicated shit.

01:25:22.000 Yeah, no dummy brother.

01:25:23.000 But I'm so happy that guys like him are out there that at least try to explain it to people like us.

01:25:30.000 I tell you, you know, you have all that gym equipment, and I thought about this, and you could do me a favor.

01:25:36.000 I bought a Gravitron.

01:25:38.000 You know what that is?

01:25:39.000 Well, I didn't buy it.

01:25:39.000 I was given a Gravitron.

01:25:41.000 What's a Gravitron?

01:25:41.000 What is that?

01:25:41.000 Now, you know how you have the dip and pull-up assist machine?

01:25:45.000 You can put the different weights on it.

01:25:47.000 Oh, yeah, like those, what are those things called?

01:25:49.000 Is that a Gravitron?

01:25:50.000 I know what you're talking about.

01:25:50.000 Yeah, that's the new one.

01:25:52.000 But mine was the original Gravitron.

01:25:54.000 It was the thing with like a computer sensor and a propulsion.

01:25:59.000 Oh, yeah.

01:26:00.000 Yeah, right.

01:26:01.000 I remember those.

01:26:02.000 And every time you saw one, you'd get on it.

01:26:04.000 You were just awake.

01:26:04.000 It's like a little red light.

01:26:05.000 Yes, yes, yeah, yeah.

01:26:06.000 Well, I'd always wanted one.

01:26:09.000 And Steve Schrepper, you know Schrepper?

01:26:10.000 Sure.

01:26:11.000 He said to me, Lenny, I'm leaving Vegas.

01:26:13.000 I'm moving to New York.

01:26:15.000 The Sopranos.

01:26:16.000 The Sopranos and the Blue Bloods.

01:26:17.000 And so he says, you can have it.

01:26:19.000 He says, but you've got to move it.

01:26:20.000 I said, alright.

01:26:21.000 So I call this guy who's a moving company and he goes, Lenny, I'd love to do it for you.

01:26:27.000 I said, I'll do it for cost.

01:26:28.000 So we moved it from Las Vegas to the Vineyard to Grant.

01:26:33.000 What?

01:26:33.000 Two grand, right?

01:26:35.000 So now, I get Kenny and a bunch of other guys, and we drive down to my house, and we try to get it upstairs.

01:26:41.000 I'm going to put it in my living room.

01:26:43.000 My wife is, you're not having that in the house.

01:26:44.000 I go, it's the only thing I ever want.

01:26:47.000 The only toy I ever want.

01:26:48.000 I love this thing.

01:26:49.000 She goes, no, it's not.

01:26:50.000 So we couldn't get it up into the house.

01:26:52.000 It's so huge, right?

01:26:54.000 It's huge.

01:26:54.000 12 feet tall, you know, and five of us, we got in the wall.

01:26:58.000 I mean, it was unbelievable.

01:26:59.000 And she goes, that's it, get in the wall.

01:27:00.000 So, now I got no place to put it because my goal is to build a garage and have my own gym.

01:27:06.000 That's all, you know, and a pool.

01:27:07.000 I need a pool too, but, you know, you got to have goals.

01:27:10.000 So, I put it in this garage we have down at the, you know, at the Plantation, whatever it is.

01:27:17.000 The estate, right?

01:27:19.000 And this asshole neighbor.

01:27:21.000 You have any asshole neighbors?

01:27:22.000 No.

01:27:22.000 No, because you're too far away, right?

01:27:23.000 I'm lucky.

01:27:24.000 I got nice neighbors.

01:27:25.000 Well, most of my neighbors, this guy sucks.

01:27:27.000 I hate this guy.

01:27:28.000 Oh, Joe, I hate this guy.

01:27:30.000 Bad boy.

01:27:31.000 Anyway.

01:27:32.000 I loved his parents.

01:27:33.000 His parents were the nicest people, but I think he wanted them dead.

01:27:35.000 Did he inherit the money?

01:27:36.000 Yeah, he inherited everything.

01:27:38.000 And his mother, father, sweetest.

01:27:40.000 I used to have them all for dinner.

01:27:41.000 I loved his parents.

01:27:42.000 This is a sick fuck.

01:27:43.000 Anyway, he tells my wife, we're going to move everything out of that garage so we can clean it.

01:27:51.000 It's been clean in 30 years.

01:27:53.000 Why is he going to move things out of your garage?

01:27:55.000 Because he beat up a couple of old elderly women and had them move their boats so he could move his new brand new tractor in there.

01:28:03.000 Imagine this shit.

01:28:04.000 What?

01:28:04.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:28:05.000 This is what happened to me.

01:28:07.000 So the favor's coming.

01:28:09.000 So anyway, you don't have to kill anyone.

01:28:12.000 I said, don't move it.

01:28:13.000 I'll be back.

01:28:14.000 I was on the road.

01:28:15.000 I said, I'll be back Monday.

01:28:16.000 But they moved it anyway.

01:28:17.000 And when they moved it, the brain part of it, Came out.

01:28:22.000 And they lost it.

01:28:24.000 They lost it.

01:28:25.000 They lost it.

01:28:26.000 I bet he threw it away.

01:28:28.000 I bet he threw it away.

01:28:29.000 Yeah, me too.

01:28:29.000 So he gets a dick like that.

01:28:31.000 And now everyone in the whole association hates him.

01:28:33.000 People that don't even know him hate him.

01:28:35.000 And I'm building the hate.

01:28:36.000 So the guy...

01:28:38.000 I said, hey man.

01:28:39.000 He goes, Lenny, do we have a problem?

01:28:40.000 I go, yeah, we got a problem.

01:28:41.000 I go, I moved that thing across countries.

01:28:43.000 A friend of mine gave that to me.

01:28:45.000 That was going to be the centerpiece of my home gym.

01:28:47.000 And you fucked it up.

01:28:48.000 He goes, well, you know, I'm sorry these things happen.

01:28:51.000 These things happen.

01:28:52.000 These things happen.

01:28:53.000 So now I have a 12 foot tall, basically, you know, Sculpture.

01:28:57.000 Sculpture, yeah.

01:28:58.000 And I got to protect that so it doesn't ride out.

01:29:00.000 He didn't even offer to pay for it?

01:29:01.000 No, no.

01:29:02.000 And if he did, if he offered to pay, I would have been okay.

01:29:05.000 And even if he didn't, but he didn't even offer.

01:29:07.000 He was like a real dick about it.

01:29:08.000 So there's a guy who invented it.

01:29:11.000 Lanny Potts is his name.

01:29:13.000 And I went on, I had little millennials and everybody trying to find this guy.

01:29:17.000 Because I'll pay the guy.

01:29:19.000 To fix it.

01:29:20.000 Yeah, I think the guy would want me to have it.

01:29:22.000 He's the guy who invented the Stairmaster.

01:29:24.000 And from the Stairmaster, the Gravitron.

01:29:27.000 Pull up a picture of that thing.

01:29:28.000 Oh, yeah.

01:29:29.000 Gravitron.

01:29:30.000 I'm just making sure it was the right thing.

01:29:31.000 Yeah, oh, it is.

01:29:32.000 What do you think I'm making this stuff?

01:29:33.000 No, no, no.

01:29:34.000 He just makes sure the image he's pulling up is the right one.

01:29:36.000 Oh, yeah.

01:29:36.000 But the Gravitron is a propulsion assist.

01:29:41.000 This guy could tell us.

01:29:42.000 Yeah, it gives you a little assist.

01:29:45.000 So instead of pulling up 200 pounds, you're doing a chin-up, it gives you like 100 pounds.

01:29:49.000 Yeah, but then every day you work down and down.

01:29:51.000 Right, right, right.

01:29:52.000 There it is.

01:29:53.000 There it is.

01:29:53.000 Now that's the new model.

01:29:56.000 How the fuck did they lose the brain of that?

01:29:59.000 Yeah, and the brain was at the bottom.

01:30:01.000 The original one, there it is!

01:30:04.000 That's it!

01:30:05.000 Oh, no, over there.

01:30:05.000 Which one?

01:30:06.000 Well, yeah, that one, the big picture.

01:30:08.000 That's it!

01:30:09.000 The big picture with the guy doing the chin-up?

01:30:11.000 No, that right there.

01:30:12.000 That's it?

01:30:13.000 That's it.

01:30:14.000 So this guy, Lanny Potts, and two other guys.

01:30:17.000 And you can see where that...

01:30:19.000 You stand in that, and there's the buttons you push right in the middle.

01:30:22.000 And the red bars.

01:30:24.000 You've got 20 million listeners.

01:30:26.000 Maybe one of you guys is friends with Lanny Potts.

01:30:28.000 I'll pay you.

01:30:29.000 I just want to get this thing up.

01:30:31.000 You want to get it fixed.

01:30:31.000 And then I want to get jacked.

01:30:33.000 I want to be the biggest man, walk the planet, and go up to that guy's house naked and go, look what you've made me do!

01:30:40.000 Yeah.

01:30:41.000 Fuck that guy.

01:30:42.000 Yeah.

01:30:42.000 I can't believe he lost the brain of it.

01:30:44.000 Oh, it broke my heart.

01:30:46.000 I mean, I haven't even told Sripp yet.

01:30:48.000 Hey, how's that thing go?

01:30:49.000 Sripp was so nice.

01:30:50.000 Sripp will go to the guy's house and fuck him up.

01:30:54.000 When Chiripa used to run the Riviera, he scared the fuck out of me a couple times the way he dealt with hecklers.

01:30:59.000 He saw some guy take a cigarette and throw it on the ground and step on it in the showroom and he fucking screamed at that guy and got in his face.

01:31:07.000 But it was like a you're gonna die scream.

01:31:10.000 Tripp is old school Vegas.

01:31:12.000 Legitimately.

01:31:13.000 People don't know.

01:31:13.000 They think he's an actor.

01:31:15.000 He got into acting I think because of Drew Carey.

01:31:19.000 I gave him one of his first acting spots on Sunday Comics.

01:31:24.000 I was in an electric chair and he was the guy Locking me in.

01:31:28.000 And he never forgot that.

01:31:30.000 He said, man, you gave me a break.

01:31:32.000 And he always bring me up.

01:31:33.000 I fucking love that guy.

01:31:34.000 I love Steve.

01:31:35.000 I worked for him in like 97. Back in 97. That was like the first time I ever worked for him.

01:31:42.000 But he was then, that was when Drew Carey had the Drew Carey show.

01:31:45.000 Right.

01:31:46.000 And Drew Carey had got him a part on the Drew Carey show.

01:31:50.000 And he was like, hey, I do it for the fucking, for a goof.

01:31:53.000 Every now and then I'll do a little fucking acting.

01:31:55.000 Yeah.

01:31:55.000 But he wasn't being like a real actor.

01:31:57.000 And then all of a sudden I see him on the fucking Sopranos.

01:31:59.000 I was like, holy shit!

01:32:00.000 You're on the greatest show in the history of the universe!

01:32:03.000 And he was really good!

01:32:05.000 But it substantiated my feelings about acting.

01:32:09.000 It's just pretending.

01:32:11.000 It's not that hard.

01:32:12.000 I mean, there's acting like...

01:32:14.000 Did you see The Joker yet?

01:32:15.000 No.

01:32:15.000 Holy shit.

01:32:16.000 I saw it the other night, Jamie.

01:32:18.000 You were right.

01:32:18.000 Holy shit.

01:32:19.000 Joaquin Phoenix is a fucking master.

01:32:21.000 Oh, yeah.

01:32:22.000 It's a masterpiece.

01:32:23.000 I love the money to Jeremy Cash.

01:32:25.000 Yeah.

01:32:25.000 Why are you wearing black gold?

01:32:27.000 Maybe I am.

01:32:28.000 I mean, it's a fucked up, sick movie.

01:32:30.000 Yeah.

01:32:30.000 But that's what they were trying to do.

01:32:33.000 Right.

01:32:33.000 It's the greatest fucked up, sick movie I think I've ever seen.

01:32:36.000 I mean, you might not be into it if you're not into those kind of movies.

01:32:39.000 Oh, I'm sure I'll be.

01:32:40.000 Listen to me.

01:32:41.000 I enjoy...

01:32:43.000 Anything that's done well.

01:32:44.000 Yes.

01:32:45.000 I mean, even if it's not my cup of tea, I'll go and I'll watch it and I'll try to figure out what the message you were trying to get at point.

01:32:54.000 And maybe I can connect with your vision.

01:32:55.000 I'll give you that.

01:32:56.000 And if it sucks, I'll just come, yeah, it's not for me.

01:32:58.000 It's a masterpiece.

01:32:59.000 It's a masterpiece.

01:33:00.000 I mean, Todd Phillips nailed it and Joaquin Phoenix.

01:33:02.000 And Todd Phillips is a master of comedy.

01:33:04.000 Yes, that's crazy.

01:33:05.000 And he does this.

01:33:06.000 And it's one of the darkest movies.

01:33:08.000 There's not a funny fucking moment in that movie.

01:33:09.000 Yeah.

01:33:10.000 It's not a happy moment in that movie, but it's a masterpiece.

01:33:12.000 But the point is, that kind of acting, what Joaquin Phoenix does in that movie, what Daniel Day-Lewis does in his movies, that's a different kind of acting.

01:33:22.000 That's on another level.

01:33:24.000 But regular acting?

01:33:27.000 Like, look at what Steve did.

01:33:28.000 They gave him a fat suit.

01:33:29.000 Right.

01:33:30.000 They put a fat suit on him, and he played Bobby on The Sopranos, and he fucking nailed it.

01:33:34.000 He knocked it out of the park.

01:33:35.000 You would think that that guy had been acting his whole life.

01:33:37.000 Right.

01:33:38.000 You really would.

01:33:39.000 He wasn't.

01:33:40.000 When you were doing Fear Factor, you would do a lot of those things that you had.

01:33:45.000 The stunts?

01:33:46.000 No.

01:33:46.000 You wouldn't?

01:33:47.000 No, no, no, no.

01:33:48.000 They wouldn't let me do any of them.

01:33:49.000 Oh!

01:33:50.000 But you wanted to, right?

01:33:52.000 Yeah, for sure.

01:33:53.000 Especially the car ones.

01:33:54.000 I did a couple of stuff.

01:33:57.000 When I was doing Meet Wally Sparks with Rodney Dangerfield, he said to me, okay, in this scene, you're sword fighting, coming down these marble stairs, and you're going to get stabbed, and you're going to roll down.

01:34:07.000 I go, Whoa, whoa, whoa.

01:34:09.000 Hold on, Kimosabi.

01:34:10.000 Listen, I'm shooting a network TV show during the day.

01:34:13.000 I'm here at night for you because I love you.

01:34:15.000 I go, I can't get hurt.

01:34:16.000 And I was really fat at the time, like 370. I go, I'll get hurt.

01:34:20.000 And he goes, well, what do you want me to do?

01:34:22.000 I go, we'll get a stuntman.

01:34:22.000 He goes, oh, kid, you're going to make me pay for a stuntman.

01:34:24.000 I go, Rodney, yeah.

01:34:25.000 I go, I said, please, please.

01:34:28.000 So the stuntman comes in.

01:34:30.000 Stuntman comes in, right?

01:34:31.000 And he goes, oh, Mr. Clark, thanks for the job.

01:34:33.000 I look at the guy and I go, This is what I look like, you know, and he looked kind of like my size.

01:34:38.000 So the guy gets an action and I cut and then they put him in my spot.

01:34:43.000 And then he gets stabbed with the sword, goes tumbling down the marble, bust his arm up, bleeding from his ear.

01:34:48.000 And they go, what do you think?

01:34:49.000 I think he can do one better than that.

01:34:52.000 It was, I would have got screwed.

01:34:54.000 Then we do a car scene.

01:34:56.000 They say, alright, in this scene, Lenny, you break Rodney out of the house.

01:35:00.000 You get in the car, and you drive as fast as you can up the road.

01:35:03.000 And you see the lights up there?

01:35:05.000 There's a bunch of cameras with sandbags.

01:35:07.000 We want you to hit the brakes and slide into the sandbags.

01:35:10.000 But don't go any farther than the sandbags.

01:35:12.000 Okay, let's go.

01:35:13.000 And I turn to Rodney.

01:35:14.000 Hey, Rodney, I'm a great driver.

01:35:16.000 I said, but I don't know if I can.

01:35:17.000 I'd like a test run to see where the brakes are going.

01:35:21.000 Oh, kid, come on.

01:35:22.000 Just don't fucking kill anybody.

01:35:23.000 Ha ha ha!

01:35:24.000 I had already cost him money for the stunt.

01:35:28.000 I drive like a bastard.

01:35:30.000 If I could do...

01:35:30.000 I drive, and I hit the brakes, and I slide six inches from the sandbag.

01:35:37.000 Total luck, but I mean, it was like, I'm thinking, and I'm flying it.

01:35:41.000 And he goes, we got it.

01:35:43.000 I go, yeah.

01:35:44.000 Ronnie goes, see, I told you.

01:35:45.000 You'd be great at this.

01:35:46.000 Got lucky.

01:35:47.000 But the reason I said, if I could do...

01:35:49.000 If you could change anything in your life, would you change anything?

01:35:52.000 No.

01:35:53.000 Of course, I knew you'd say that.

01:35:54.000 Now ask me.

01:35:55.000 Would you change anything?

01:35:56.000 Everything!

01:35:57.000 Every single fucking thing!

01:35:59.000 Everything!

01:36:00.000 Do you have any regrets?

01:36:01.000 Yes!

01:36:02.000 My life is full of fucking regrets!

01:36:05.000 Someone said to me, well, if you change everything, you might not be where you are.

01:36:08.000 And I go, yeah, I'll roll the dice.

01:36:10.000 I could be fucking better off!

01:36:12.000 You never know!

01:36:13.000 Well, I learned from all my mistakes.

01:36:15.000 All of them.

01:36:16.000 I've hated every fucking one of them.

01:36:17.000 I felt terrible every fucking mistake I've ever made, but it's made me a better person.

01:36:21.000 I'm still making mistakes, brother.

01:36:22.000 Yes, me too.

01:36:23.000 I'm still fucking making mistakes.

01:36:25.000 I don't want to.

01:36:26.000 It's just part of being a person, man.

01:36:28.000 Everybody makes mistakes.

01:36:29.000 Look, I try to be a good person.

01:36:31.000 I always have tried to be a good person.

01:36:33.000 And sometimes, the harder you try, the more fucking people misconstrued or misunderstood.

01:36:40.000 Oh, for sure, yeah.

01:36:41.000 That's what makes me want to do bad things.

01:36:44.000 To people?

01:36:45.000 Yeah, like your neighbor.

01:36:47.000 The guy who lost the brain.

01:36:48.000 Oh, yeah.

01:36:48.000 Or the Gravitron.

01:36:49.000 I mean, I wouldn't encourage you to say his name on the show.

01:36:52.000 No, I know that.

01:36:53.000 But you know, you see how I feel.

01:36:55.000 And I'm a good...

01:36:56.000 I had told this guy he could cut down trees to improve his view.

01:37:00.000 Stuff like that.

01:37:01.000 I was nice.

01:37:01.000 His parents loved me.

01:37:02.000 His parents said, oh, that Lenny's the nicest guy.

01:37:04.000 You won't believe me.

01:37:05.000 He's a little crazy, but I used to let him come down and eat the fruit off the trees.

01:37:08.000 Everything there was...

01:37:09.000 I hope he's listening right now.

01:37:11.000 I hope he's getting nervous.

01:37:13.000 He's very wealthy and he's very, you know.

01:37:15.000 Yeah, but he's born wealthy.

01:37:16.000 Yeah!

01:37:17.000 That's a terrible place to be for a man.

01:37:19.000 That's a terrible place to be for a man.

01:37:21.000 I mean, if I had a son, I'd fucking kick him out of the house.

01:37:23.000 Make him go fend for himself.

01:37:25.000 I really would.

01:37:26.000 Not me.

01:37:27.000 If I did that to my kid, he'd end up blowing sailors at Fleetwood.

01:37:30.000 Look what you made me do, Danny!

01:37:32.000 Look what you made me do!

01:37:34.000 But a man that grows up without his own money.

01:37:38.000 You mentioned a paper route.

01:37:39.000 Yeah.

01:37:39.000 How many papers did you have for your route?

01:37:41.000 Oh, my God.

01:37:42.000 I had hundreds.

01:37:43.000 Hundreds on my route.

01:37:44.000 I had three routes.

01:37:45.000 Yeah.

01:37:45.000 A couple hundred apiece.

01:37:47.000 I had the Herald for a while.

01:37:48.000 My main staple was the Globe.

01:37:50.000 I did the Herald and I did the New York Times for a little bit.

01:37:52.000 I did the Herald, Globe, New York Times, and the Cambridge Chronicle.

01:37:54.000 No shit.

01:37:55.000 Wow.

01:37:56.000 And every now and then my father would feel bad for me.

01:37:59.000 He goes, you're not going to be able to do it.

01:38:02.000 You're better off more than you can chew.

01:38:03.000 Get in the car.

01:38:04.000 And he'd be whipping him out the window.

01:38:06.000 He showed me.

01:38:07.000 Because he worked for the Herald as a linotype operator.

01:38:09.000 And he was proud of me for working.

01:38:11.000 He goes...

01:38:12.000 Three, four, what are you nuts?

01:38:14.000 Do one paper!

01:38:15.000 But you can make real money if you did that.

01:38:18.000 That saved me while I was doing stand-up because it gave me money.

01:38:22.000 I didn't have to have a regular job.

01:38:24.000 I could get up in the morning and I could deliver newspapers from 5 a.m.

01:38:29.000 to 7.30 a.m.

01:38:31.000 Worst job you ever had?

01:38:32.000 Worst job you ever had?

01:38:34.000 Construction, for sure.

01:38:35.000 Some of those construction gigs were really rough.

01:38:38.000 And it depends on the company you work for.

01:38:41.000 I work with my buddy Jimmy Lawless, and we built a wheelchair ramp for a Knights of Columbus hall.

01:38:46.000 And all fucking summer, I mean, it wasn't even all summer.

01:38:49.000 I mean, I think I quit after like three weeks.

01:38:52.000 That's about our summer in New England.

01:38:53.000 Yeah, carry cement and pressure-treated lumber.

01:38:57.000 That's all I did every day.

01:38:58.000 Cement and pressure-treated lumber out in the sun.

01:39:01.000 And by the time 5 o'clock would roll around or whatever it was when we quit, I didn't have anything left.

01:39:06.000 I would just eat and fall asleep.

01:39:08.000 And then I'd get up in the morning and do it again.

01:39:10.000 But it taught me something.

01:39:11.000 If you want to be a laborer for life, this is what life is.

01:39:17.000 And this is how fucking tired you're going to be.

01:39:19.000 You better figure out what you want to do with your life and get after it.

01:39:22.000 Because at the time, I was probably like 18 or 19. I'll never forget how hard it was.

01:39:27.000 At 21, I went to the National Laborers Training Center in Hopkington, Mass.

01:39:33.000 Where they teach you how to be a laborer.

01:39:36.000 Teach you.

01:39:37.000 Teach you how to be a laborer.

01:39:38.000 And the same thing with cement and the pressure treated lumber that if it got on your skin, it made you all itchy.

01:39:42.000 Oh, you get splinters and they'll get infected.

01:39:44.000 It's all chemicals and shit.

01:39:46.000 And from there I'd leave and I'd go to be a lifeguard.

01:39:48.000 And then after lifeguard, I was a janitor in a couple of buildings.

01:39:51.000 That's all at one time when my dad got sick and I was taking care of the family.

01:39:54.000 But then I was a sewer truck operator, which was a great job, you know.

01:39:59.000 They used to have a claw on the back of a big, big giant pickup truck.

01:40:04.000 And you'd swing it out, and you'd pick up the top of the sewer, and then you'd put the clam in, and you'd open it up, and you'd pick up.

01:40:13.000 And I went to every barroom in Cambridge and said, got a lot of complaints about this thing coming out of your sewer out there.

01:40:19.000 And they go, really?

01:40:20.000 Yeah, I can take it.

01:40:21.000 Really?

01:40:22.000 Why don't you have a beer?

01:40:23.000 All right.

01:40:23.000 We'd be shitfaced.

01:40:24.000 You don't know how many sidewalks I pulled up.

01:40:26.000 Forgetting to close the cliff.

01:40:28.000 Boom.

01:40:29.000 Eddie, send the sidewalk people down.

01:40:32.000 You got a cover for me.

01:40:33.000 And they would build the sidewalks.

01:40:35.000 They need a drink too.

01:40:36.000 We'd be shitfaced.

01:40:38.000 The Port House Cafe on Mass Ave, oh my god, the shine people.

01:40:42.000 What did you do, coloring cones?

01:40:44.000 What did you do with the hole until you fixed it?

01:40:46.000 Well, we'd get one of those movable shitters, and we'd put that on one side, and then we'd get the cones.

01:40:53.000 But the guys would come, and if you had the right crew, they could fix that sidewalk in a couple of hours.

01:41:00.000 Wow.

01:41:00.000 Just smooth it out.

01:41:01.000 Awful.

01:41:02.000 Well, Massachusetts always has fucked up sidewalks.

01:41:05.000 I mean, or fucked up concrete.

01:41:07.000 Everywhere you drive, all the asphalt's fucked up in the winter.

01:41:10.000 Joe, how about the highways?

01:41:12.000 First, we're going to do this mile section in Saugus.

01:41:15.000 That's good.

01:41:16.000 Now we're going out to Springfield.

01:41:17.000 Leave that, right?

01:41:20.000 How about the big dig?

01:41:22.000 How much longer did that take than it was supposed to take?

01:41:24.000 That's one of the biggest corruption schemes in all of the history of construction.

01:41:28.000 I know.

01:41:28.000 The big dig.

01:41:29.000 People went to jail.

01:41:30.000 The big dig was supposed to cost $1.8 billion and be done in seven years.

01:41:36.000 The Big Dig is still not finished, and it costs $28 billion.

01:41:42.000 That's $26 billion override.

01:41:45.000 That's like going to a dry cleaner and say, how much do you clean my pants?

01:41:47.000 $12.

01:41:48.000 You go back to the next one, that'll be $3,000.

01:41:49.000 $3,000!

01:41:50.000 Oh, we ran into some problems.

01:41:52.000 Everyone made money.

01:41:53.000 When I was living in Malden, they were working on it.

01:41:56.000 That was in 1988, and they're still working on it.

01:42:01.000 They put up four-ton tiles with Elmer's glue, and they thought it was going to...

01:42:07.000 That's what happened.

01:42:07.000 Really?

01:42:08.000 Oh, yeah.

01:42:09.000 Look, 51 million.

01:42:10.000 It was originally 51 million.

01:42:12.000 Oh, my God.

01:42:14.000 It's still not done.

01:42:15.000 It's still not done.

01:42:16.000 How is it not done?

01:42:17.000 It says constructed in 1991 to 2007. Joe, believe me.

01:42:22.000 I drive there all the time.

01:42:24.000 There's parts that still aren't open.

01:42:25.000 It took them 15 years to open up the tunnel to the airport.

01:42:30.000 It says on December 31st, it's official, Boston's big dig will be done, the Washington Post, in 2007. Okay.

01:42:38.000 But they're just still fixing it.

01:42:39.000 All right, Joe, here's this one.

01:42:42.000 The centerpiece of the big day is the Zakem Bridge.

01:42:45.000 Was named after a guy named Lenny Zakem.

01:42:47.000 Do you know who he is?

01:42:47.000 No.

01:42:48.000 Okay, nice guy, community organizer, philanthropist, wonderful person, Jew.

01:42:53.000 And the people in Charlestown said, he's a Jew?

01:42:55.000 We'll blow that bridge up!

01:42:56.000 So, I swear to God, right?

01:42:59.000 Lenny Zakem, nice guy.

01:42:59.000 And I'm a friend of the Jews.

01:43:00.000 I married a Jew.

01:43:01.000 I was in the tribe.

01:43:02.000 I know your secrets.

01:43:03.000 Don't fuck with me.

01:43:03.000 I'll expose you.

01:43:06.000 I'm not like Eli Omar.

01:43:07.000 Kill the Jews.

01:43:08.000 I love the Jews.

01:43:09.000 Very good sex.

01:43:10.000 Now what happens, they had eight people from Cambridge who were against the Lenny Zagin Bridge being there because it cast a shadow on the Charles River preventing the fish from being in the river to go out to the ocean and spawn.

01:43:29.000 Really?

01:43:30.000 Yeah.

01:43:30.000 First of all, anything in that river should not be allowed to recreate or spawn.

01:43:34.000 But secondly, a shadow is stopping a fish?

01:43:37.000 What the fuck do you think fish do at night?

01:43:40.000 Who said that it was doing that?

01:43:43.000 Was there a real biologist for saying this?

01:43:46.000 No, it was just some ape ugly woman in Cambridge.

01:43:51.000 We hate everything!

01:43:53.000 We're at Birkenstocks, we're killing the fish.

01:43:55.000 It's a dirty brown river.

01:43:58.000 You can walk across it on a good day.

01:44:00.000 Has it gotten any better?

01:44:01.000 You know, Joe, I've got to tell you, it really has.

01:44:03.000 It has gotten better.

01:44:05.000 But you can still see sewage when people are rowing.

01:44:09.000 Yeah, it's bad.

01:44:10.000 Well, I used to live in Newton.

01:44:12.000 I used to live in Newton Upper Falls across the street from a section of the river, and we used to see carp in it.

01:44:18.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:44:19.000 And then one day I was out there walking around and I saw some bubbling in the water and I watched a condom bubble up to the surface.

01:44:25.000 And I realized it was a sewer pipe that was broken.

01:44:28.000 Yeah.

01:44:28.000 That was leaking raw sewage right into the fucking river.

01:44:31.000 That's where it goes!

01:44:32.000 Yeah.

01:44:33.000 Do you know...

01:44:34.000 In Fenway Park, when you were a kid, the groundskeeper was Joe Mooney.

01:44:38.000 And Joe Mooney was famous because nobody, but nobody, stepped on that grass.

01:44:43.000 No one.

01:44:44.000 Even Yockey, get up!

01:44:45.000 He was like a crazed man.

01:44:47.000 And since then, my friend David Miller, he's one of my dearest friends because I wanted to learn all about grass because I smoked it and smoking is easier than growing it and growing it.

01:44:57.000 But he, when he took over, when the sewers were back up in Boston They would flood Fenway Park.

01:45:04.000 And when the water receded, there'd be actually fish flapping in the infield.

01:45:09.000 And we have pictures of it.

01:45:10.000 You can pull that shit up.

01:45:12.000 Where did they come from?

01:45:13.000 From the source, from the river, from the Charles River.

01:45:16.000 And they'd back up, and whatever's in those source would come out.

01:45:19.000 But through what port?

01:45:21.000 Like, how did they get into the grass area?

01:45:23.000 Oh, the water would rise from where the water would drain out of the ballpark.

01:45:29.000 It would come back in.

01:45:30.000 And fish would...

01:45:31.000 And fish...

01:45:32.000 There's pictures of fish flapping on the field at Fenway Park.

01:45:35.000 I don't know how you...

01:45:36.000 Yeah, you can Google that up there.

01:45:39.000 Tiki-tiki, you millennials.

01:45:41.000 If anybody can find it.

01:45:41.000 I'm sure we can.

01:45:42.000 Well, David Miller...

01:45:43.000 You got anything?

01:45:43.000 David Miller has written like eight books online.

01:45:47.000 And I went there.

01:45:48.000 John Henry invited me to come up and sit with him on my birthday one night at Fenway Park.

01:45:53.000 This is years ago, about 10, 12 years ago.

01:45:55.000 And he said to me, he says, Lenny, you want to go sit in my seats?

01:45:59.000 I said, yeah.

01:46:00.000 So when he bought Fenway, he extended the seats out two more rows.

01:46:05.000 So he has TVs.

01:46:06.000 I mean, it's right next to the ball.

01:46:07.000 So I'm sitting there with him.

01:46:08.000 He goes, if you could meet anybody in the ballpark, in the organization, who would you like to meet?

01:46:12.000 I went, the groundskeeper.

01:46:13.000 He goes, what?

01:46:14.000 You don't want to meet Manny or Big Papi?

01:46:16.000 No, I want to meet the groundskeeper.

01:46:17.000 Why?

01:46:18.000 I said, you just had Jimmy Buffett out here for two nights in a row.

01:46:22.000 There's not a blade out of grass.

01:46:23.000 Look at that beautiful glass, beautiful lawn in the wall.

01:46:25.000 He gets on the phone.

01:46:26.000 David, would you come down?

01:46:27.000 So you got Mr. Clark.

01:46:28.000 I go, oh, you know him.

01:46:29.000 Man, I've been dying to meet you!

01:46:31.000 So, we go to his office.

01:46:32.000 Yeah, I leave John Henry.

01:46:33.000 I go to the groundkeepers.

01:46:35.000 Yeah, right, right.

01:46:36.000 So, then I invite him and his wife and kids down to my place, and they come down to the vineyard.

01:46:40.000 Three weeks later, they send me Lenny Clark Fenway Park grass seed.

01:46:43.000 My lawn looked like Fenway Park.

01:46:46.000 It was the most amazing lawn.

01:46:47.000 It's like shit now, but...

01:46:49.000 What kind of seed is it?

01:46:50.000 Magic seed.

01:46:52.000 It's magic.

01:46:54.000 Jack and the Beanstalk.

01:46:56.000 Beanstalk seed.

01:46:57.000 They were going to carve Lenny in my...

01:47:01.000 I said no.

01:47:03.000 That's hilarious.

01:47:04.000 When I bought it, When I bought this property, it was all overrun.

01:47:09.000 And one day, I was out smoking a joint, and I was picking up paper, you know, because I'm a land baron, you know.

01:47:15.000 And I go, holy shit, what's wrong?

01:47:17.000 There's a stone wall back in my house.

01:47:20.000 It's surrounded by stone walls that you couldn't even see because the thickets and the brush was all overgrown.

01:47:26.000 The next day, she must have had like eight trucks in there, and I have stone walls surrounding my entire house.

01:47:32.000 And you just didn't know?

01:47:33.000 Didn't know.

01:47:34.000 You couldn't even see him.

01:47:35.000 Wow.

01:47:35.000 Yeah.

01:47:36.000 How weird.

01:47:36.000 And then I added to my lawn.

01:47:38.000 You know, I had like maybe half an acre of lawn.

01:47:41.000 I got like three acres of lawn.

01:47:43.000 That's a lot of lawn.

01:47:44.000 Too much work.

01:47:45.000 Too much work.

01:47:46.000 Who mows all that shit?

01:47:48.000 Bazillions.

01:47:51.000 Daddy's not good with the lawnmower.

01:47:52.000 I'm not good.

01:47:53.000 They don't let me use power tools.

01:47:54.000 Even though I'm sober, no power tools for Lenny.

01:47:56.000 Fish make good fertilizer.

01:47:58.000 So if they did die, you got something?

01:47:59.000 It's not a good reference photo, but this is a photo of a fish on a field.

01:48:05.000 There's a story to go with.

01:48:06.000 Joe, you at least...

01:48:30.000 The antiquated city storm drains will back up and water will come out of the manhole covers in Fenway's concourse and then flood the concourse.

01:48:38.000 If it really, really, really rains hard, the first base camera pit will fill up with water and the fish from the Charles River, a mile away, will swim through the city drain pipes and swim into the camera pit and then swim out onto the field.

01:48:53.000 I said, wow, Mr. Mooney, that's wild, thinking he was pulling my leg.

01:48:59.000 Yeah.

01:49:34.000 I saw seven more fish between the camera pit and second base.

01:49:39.000 In my rush to get the tarp off, now sunny skies, and get ready for my first Red Sox opener, I unfortunately threw all the fish away.

01:49:49.000 I have wished since then I could have saved the fish and had them displayed for my office, my home, and for Joe, but at least I made time to take this photo.

01:49:58.000 And since then, I've had it hanging on my office wall.

01:50:02.000 Joe, one of my favorite words is vindication!

01:50:05.000 That's vindication.

01:50:06.000 That answered every question that you asked me, which I couldn't eloquently put.

01:50:12.000 Joe, that's why you laugh when people say, he makes this shit up.

01:50:17.000 How can I make this shit up?

01:50:18.000 That makes sense.

01:50:19.000 It makes sense, though.

01:50:20.000 It's so close to the Charles River.

01:50:21.000 It makes sense.

01:50:22.000 It's like a mile away, right?

01:50:23.000 Oh, unbelievable.

01:50:24.000 Fenway Park is about a mile away from the river.

01:50:26.000 I'd say you're absolutely right.

01:50:28.000 Yeah, because it comes around down by the old Sears Robux, too.

01:50:32.000 There's a part of it that goes through there, too.

01:50:35.000 Amazing, right?

01:50:36.000 That's crazy.

01:50:37.000 That is crazy.

01:50:38.000 Wow.

01:50:41.000 Covered a lot of shit.

01:50:42.000 Should we end there?

01:50:43.000 Yeah.

01:50:43.000 Might as well.

01:50:44.000 Vindication.

01:50:44.000 End your vindication.

01:50:46.000 Vindication's always good.

01:50:47.000 You're the best, man.

01:50:47.000 Joe, I love you, brother.

01:50:48.000 Thank you so much.

01:50:49.000 You keep me?

01:50:50.000 Always a pleasure.

01:50:51.000 Oh, it's my pleasure.

01:50:53.000 Let's do this again.

01:50:54.000 Anytime you're in town, please.

01:50:55.000 Maybe we'll get my machine.

01:50:57.000 Let's do it.

01:50:57.000 Maybe I'll look as good as you.

01:51:00.000 Get that fucking Gravitron back.

01:51:01.000 That shit!

01:51:03.000 Bye, everybody.

01:51:04.000 Thank you.

01:51:05.000 Oh, that was...

01:51:05.000 You didn't mind me asking you about that, did you?

The Joe Rogan Experience - October 07, 2019

Joe Rogan Experience #1362 - Lenny Clarke

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