The Joe Rogan Experience - November 06, 2019


Joe Rogan Experience #1378 - Greg Fitzsimmons


Episode Stats

Length

2 hours and 37 minutes

Words per Minute

178.89534

Word Count

28,179

Sentence Count

3,286

Misogynist Sentences

176

Hate Speech Sentences

118


Summary

After a month of sobriety, Greg and Joseph talk about their first drinks of the new year and how they feel about it. Greg talks about his first drink in over 30 years and how he feels about it, and Joseph talks about how he's lost his tolerance to alcohol and how it's affected his life in general. They also talk about what it's like to be a drunk comedian and how to deal with the effects of alcohol on your brain. They also discuss how drinking affects their relationships with their friends and family, and how drinking can affect the way they see the universe and the people around them. The guys also discuss what it was like to drink for the first time in 30 years, and what it means to be drunk now that they're back on the pill. They finish up the episode by talking about what they're looking forward to in 2020 and what they would like to see in the future of drinking in the 21st century. Enjoy the episode and don't forget to leave us a review on Apple Podcasts! Subscribe, rate, and review the podcast! and spread the word to your friends about this episode! XOXO, Greg, Joseph, and Brian Thank you so much for being a part of the Sober is Dumber Podcast! Cheers, Greg & Joseph! - The Sober Crew! Check us out, Cheers! Greg, Joe, Joseph and Brian, and Cheers. - Cheers!! - Greg, Gregory, Joseph & Brian, too! Love ya! xoxo, Greg ( ) Love you, Jon & Ben <3, Kristy, xo Thanksgiving, - EJ. <333 - The Cheers - Joe, Jake, EJ, Brian, :) - , Joe, XO, Glynis, ? . - John, J. ( ) , , EJ ( ) & Jon ( ) . , Joe, Gorms, , J. , and Brian ( ) - R. (A. ( ) , etc., etc., etc. . . . + JUICY, etc. (Thank you, JOSEPH, ) , etc, etc. - JACOB, JEAN ( ) Thank you for listening to this episode?


Transcript

00:00:00.000 Three, two, one.
00:00:03.000 Gregory!
00:00:05.000 Joseph!
00:00:06.000 Sober October's over.
00:00:07.000 But we were allowed to smoke cigars during Sober October for whatever reason.
00:00:12.000 But they do get you high.
00:00:13.000 They do give you a nice little buzz.
00:00:16.000 They do.
00:00:16.000 It's weird that that's thought of as being a sobriety thing.
00:00:21.000 Is it really?
00:00:22.000 I mean, if you're smoking, people smoke cigarettes when they're sober.
00:00:26.000 Yeah.
00:00:27.000 All those fucking AA guys, right?
00:00:30.000 Those guys were always...
00:00:31.000 Those guys were always smoking.
00:00:33.000 Those guys will tell you you can't have a non-alcoholic beer, which I do.
00:00:39.000 I haven't had a drink.
00:00:41.000 It'll be fucking 30 years next month that I haven't had a drink.
00:00:45.000 Didn't you have like one or two when Meanie died?
00:00:47.000 When Meanie died, I had some scotch.
00:00:50.000 That's a weird one, right?
00:00:51.000 I had like...
00:00:52.000 I didn't get drunk, but I had like a few shots.
00:00:56.000 Did you feel weird about that?
00:00:58.000 It had been all those years.
00:01:00.000 I think I felt so weird about him being dead that the whole thing felt surreal anyway.
00:01:06.000 And, um...
00:01:08.000 I haven't really...
00:01:09.000 I haven't had the desire...
00:01:11.000 I can't say I can't have the desire.
00:01:13.000 It's more of just like...
00:01:14.000 You feel like there's times where you want to just do what everybody else is doing and just chill out.
00:01:21.000 And you see everybody getting more mellow and relaxed and social.
00:01:24.000 And especially if I'm in a situation where...
00:01:28.000 You know, it's a bunch of people I don't know that well.
00:01:31.000 Maybe it's your kids, friends, parent kind of situation.
00:01:35.000 Nice glass of wine to take the edge off.
00:01:37.000 Dude.
00:01:38.000 Dude.
00:01:39.000 But you did the couple glasses of scotch, and then you didn't go right back to it.
00:01:44.000 Right.
00:01:45.000 Like you became a 21-year-old drunk Greg again.
00:01:48.000 Right.
00:01:50.000 Well, a lot of it has to do with my father.
00:01:53.000 And he was an alcoholic, and I saw...
00:01:58.000 I saw his depression.
00:02:01.000 I have the same depression as he does, and I felt like when I drank, it wasn't always for fun.
00:02:07.000 A lot of times it was like dealing with feelings and bullshit like that.
00:02:11.000 And so I saw him as an unhappy guy who was unfulfilled in a lot of ways, and I saw the alcohol was a big part of why his life wasn't what it could have been.
00:02:21.000 And I just sort of feel like, you know, maybe I could drink, but maybe I can't.
00:02:28.000 Why fuck with it?
00:02:29.000 No, why fuck with it?
00:02:30.000 I'll tell you what, man.
00:02:32.000 I just got done with a whole month of being sober and then I had my first drinks this weekend.
00:02:38.000 I felt like shit.
00:02:39.000 No kidding.
00:02:40.000 I felt like shit.
00:02:41.000 Really?
00:02:41.000 I had a couple of glasses of wine, went to play pool, and I was having a hard time focusing on the ball.
00:02:47.000 I was looking at the ball.
00:02:48.000 I was like, three glasses of wine?
00:02:50.000 Yeah.
00:02:50.000 That's all it takes?
00:02:51.000 Three glasses of wine?
00:02:52.000 I'm having a hard time seeing?
00:02:53.000 Right.
00:02:54.000 It took like, because everything's just a little off, it took like an hour before my liver processed it enough where I could play pool well again.
00:03:03.000 Do you think you just lost your tolerance?
00:03:08.000 Yeah, for sure.
00:03:10.000 Yeah.
00:03:10.000 I mean, I've never been a big drinker anyway.
00:03:13.000 But it was interesting doing sets.
00:03:15.000 That's what's always interesting.
00:03:16.000 It's not like a shot before I go on stage.
00:03:18.000 I always like to do a shot of Jack before I go on stage.
00:03:21.000 Just, whoa!
00:03:22.000 That's a standard for you?
00:03:23.000 Yeah, a little bit of whiskey.
00:03:24.000 Wow.
00:03:24.000 For a big show, just one shot.
00:03:26.000 Bang!
00:03:27.000 Yeah, Brian Regan, one shot of frozen peppermint schnapps before he goes out.
00:03:31.000 Or of peach schnapps.
00:03:32.000 It gives you like this.
00:03:35.000 But it's not necessary.
00:03:37.000 You know, it's definitely not.
00:03:39.000 I mean, I did a lot of shows this month.
00:03:41.000 Stone Cold Soba.
00:03:45.000 Isn't it weird, though, the human condition that we're born with this set of, you know, this brain and these neurological pathways and this relationship to the universe and the people around us, and that we want to, whether it's smoking pot or drinking or taking opiates,
00:04:02.000 we want to change the natural state of our brain.
00:04:06.000 Yeah.
00:04:07.000 Isn't that fucking weird?
00:04:09.000 It's very weird.
00:04:10.000 Because it's all we talk about.
00:04:11.000 All people talk about, dude, what did you do last week?
00:04:13.000 Oh, dude, we got fucked up.
00:04:15.000 I changed my brain.
00:04:16.000 I made myself dumber.
00:04:18.000 All weekend, I made myself dumber.
00:04:19.000 Did a bunch of stupid shit I should have never done.
00:04:22.000 And I did stupid shit.
00:04:23.000 Yeah.
00:04:24.000 Because in our natural state, we don't do goofy shit enough.
00:04:29.000 Right.
00:04:29.000 But then I learned when I quit drinking that I could be just as crazy.
00:04:33.000 People didn't realize I quit.
00:04:35.000 I'd be hanging out with my same friends in the same bar until four in the morning.
00:04:38.000 We'd go to a wedding.
00:04:39.000 I'd be the last guy on the dance floor, first guy on the dance floor.
00:04:42.000 And I just was like, you know, this doesn't have to change me, you know?
00:04:46.000 Yeah.
00:04:46.000 You can just enjoy fun.
00:04:48.000 You just enjoy fun.
00:04:49.000 It takes a little bit more of, I think you have to sort of break through walls a little bit more as opposed to just the booze does that for you.
00:05:00.000 Yeah.
00:05:00.000 But you can still get there.
00:05:02.000 Yeah, that's a good way of looking at it.
00:05:04.000 The one thing that I found that affects my writing.
00:05:08.000 Marijuana is like steroids for writing.
00:05:10.000 Oh my goodness.
00:05:10.000 Really?
00:05:11.000 For you?
00:05:11.000 Oh my goodness.
00:05:12.000 Yeah.
00:05:13.000 Yeah!
00:05:14.000 Dude, this weekend, as soon as I started getting high again, I'm fucking, my notebook's full.
00:05:18.000 No shit.
00:05:19.000 All these crazy ideas.
00:05:20.000 Yeah, man.
00:05:21.000 Half of them are dog shit for sure.
00:05:22.000 Yeah, yeah.
00:05:23.000 Half of them, at least half of them are dog shit.
00:05:25.000 Half would be, you're doing pretty well.
00:05:26.000 Yeah, it's pretty good, right?
00:05:27.000 Yeah.
00:05:27.000 But I got a few that I'm like, ooh, there's something in this.
00:05:30.000 There's something in this one.
00:05:31.000 Definitely something in this one.
00:05:32.000 So, is it like after the show you get high and then you write or you do it during the day?
00:05:37.000 Well, I didn't do any shows this weekend because I was in New York for the UFC. And I had some friends that I was going to see while I was down there.
00:05:44.000 My friend Tommy.
00:05:45.000 So I was playing pool with him.
00:05:47.000 And Hinchcliffe came with me too.
00:05:49.000 He plays pool too.
00:05:50.000 But I just decided to not do comedy this weekend.
00:05:52.000 I'm like, I'm here for the UFC. I only got a chance to see Tommy.
00:05:55.000 He's like one of my good friends from fucking 2018. Five years ago?
00:06:03.000 More?
00:06:04.000 28 years ago, maybe?
00:06:06.000 I might know him for almost 30 years.
00:06:08.000 I've known him for fucking ever.
00:06:09.000 We've become old men together.
00:06:11.000 But we get together and play pool until like 2 o'clock in the morning.
00:06:15.000 I haven't had a chance to do that forever.
00:06:17.000 I only really get a chance to do it once a year when I see him.
00:06:20.000 So I decided not to do any shows.
00:06:22.000 But just...
00:06:24.000 While we were playing, I was just getting all these ideas.
00:06:27.000 Generally, I like writing at night when everyone's asleep.
00:06:30.000 That's my favorite time to write.
00:06:32.000 I like to come home from the store and I sit around with the laptop and I just start writing.
00:06:37.000 Just force myself to just write for an hour or so.
00:06:41.000 Just write.
00:06:42.000 Just free form.
00:06:43.000 Just get it all down.
00:06:44.000 Yeah, have a subject to start.
00:06:45.000 I don't try to write in joke form.
00:06:48.000 I try to write essays and then I try to extract ideas out of those and then turn those into material.
00:06:53.000 Yeah.
00:06:55.000 Yeah, that's the way to do it.
00:06:56.000 It's like...
00:06:57.000 I used to do this thing called the writer's way, which is this great way to...
00:07:02.000 It's not just for writing, but just to get your creativity flowing.
00:07:06.000 And one of the things you do is you get out of bed in the morning and you don't have your coffee.
00:07:10.000 You just take a piss.
00:07:12.000 You don't have to take a piss.
00:07:14.000 You can shit.
00:07:15.000 Like, if you want to shit, you can shit.
00:07:17.000 You're allowed to?
00:07:17.000 You're allowed to shit.
00:07:18.000 Okay.
00:07:19.000 As a matter of fact, I think that probably helps a lot.
00:07:21.000 Oh, yeah.
00:07:21.000 You don't want the...
00:07:22.000 Shit inside of you.
00:07:23.000 What are you trying to write?
00:07:25.000 Also, what better feeling than your anus like re-puckered after delivering like that.
00:07:32.000 It's just a giant dump of lumber.
00:07:37.000 Just a little halo over the log floating in the water.
00:07:41.000 And then you sit down and you write three pages non-stop.
00:07:46.000 You don't let the pen stop.
00:07:47.000 And then you go about your day.
00:07:49.000 And you get out.
00:07:50.000 It's amazing what your subconscious will get out when you just keep the pen flowing.
00:07:54.000 And like you said, a lot of it's garbage, but within it, there's going to be a couple kernels that are good.
00:07:59.000 Yeah, that's how creativity works with me.
00:08:01.000 I mean, I'm not a consistent hitter.
00:08:04.000 I'm not a 500 hitter in terms of creativity.
00:08:08.000 If I get half, half is amazing.
00:08:10.000 Half would be amazing.
00:08:11.000 500 is amazing.
00:08:12.000 Yeah.
00:08:13.000 You know, most of it's garbage.
00:08:15.000 Yeah.
00:08:16.000 Sometimes I go back and it just gets frustrating reading some of the shit I wrote.
00:08:21.000 Yeah.
00:08:21.000 What the fuck are you...
00:08:23.000 But I know what I'm doing.
00:08:24.000 Like, when I'm writing, I'm just trying to see if I can dig something out.
00:08:28.000 Yeah.
00:08:29.000 Like, I'm out there with a metal detector.
00:08:31.000 Yeah.
00:08:34.000 You know.
00:08:35.000 Right.
00:08:35.000 Some guy just found some fucking incredible ancient treasure using a metal detector.
00:08:44.000 Really?
00:08:44.000 Yeah.
00:08:45.000 See if we can find that, Jamie.
00:08:47.000 On a beach?
00:08:48.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:08:49.000 I want to say...
00:08:50.000 Fuck, what era was it from?
00:08:54.000 Ship, right?
00:08:55.000 No, no, that was a different one.
00:08:57.000 Yeah, that was a crazy one too.
00:08:58.000 A guy found a fucking shipwreck that was on the beach that was exposed by a crazy storm.
00:09:04.000 Like a storm came along and it pulled away so much of the sand that a fucking shipwreck was there.
00:09:09.000 Damn.
00:09:10.000 This guy's there walking his dog.
00:09:11.000 He's like, um, what the fuck is this?
00:09:15.000 This is a boat.
00:09:16.000 Yeah.
00:09:16.000 Yeah.
00:09:17.000 That's crazy.
00:09:18.000 Oh, here it is.
00:09:19.000 It's, uh, what is that?
00:09:20.000 Three million pounds?
00:09:22.000 Is that pounds?
00:09:22.000 Yeah.
00:09:24.000 War hoard of 6,000 gold artifacts from 650 A.D. uncovered in Staffordshire Field using a two-pound metal detector for $2.
00:09:38.000 Wow.
00:09:39.000 Is that pounds or euros?
00:09:40.000 What is that one?
00:09:40.000 I think that's British pounds.
00:09:43.000 So from 650 A.D. So 650 years after Jesus is murdered.
00:09:48.000 Shit.
00:09:49.000 Look at that shit.
00:09:49.000 Look how gorgeous that is.
00:09:51.000 Still got the fur on the top.
00:09:52.000 We're looking at a gold helmet.
00:09:54.000 This really intricate carved gold helmet with a fucking, like a mohawk.
00:10:00.000 A fur mohawk.
00:10:01.000 That's amazing.
00:10:02.000 And look at the detail.
00:10:02.000 It wasn't corroded at all in that salt water all those years.
00:10:06.000 Yeah, that's pretty amazing.
00:10:07.000 Where's Staffordshire?
00:10:08.000 It said it was in a field.
00:10:11.000 Hmm.
00:10:11.000 Right?
00:10:12.000 So this wasn't salt water.
00:10:15.000 Oh my god, look how beautiful that shit is.
00:10:17.000 That's amazing!
00:10:19.000 A scabbard boss.
00:10:20.000 I don't even know what a boss is.
00:10:23.000 What is a boss?
00:10:24.000 A scabbard boss?
00:10:25.000 What does that mean?
00:10:26.000 Which is part of an Anglo-Saxon hoard found by Terry Herbert.
00:10:30.000 Terry's ballin' right now.
00:10:32.000 Yeah, Terry.
00:10:32.000 How about Terry?
00:10:33.000 What did Terry do?
00:10:34.000 Did he sell it?
00:10:35.000 I mean, do you keep some?
00:10:36.000 You gotta keep some of it.
00:10:37.000 Are you allowed?
00:10:37.000 What happens there?
00:10:38.000 Sold to museums for $3.285 million with the funds were split between them.
00:10:44.000 He used a metal detector.
00:10:46.000 Oh, in the field of Farmer Fred Johnson.
00:10:49.000 Oh, so they split it.
00:10:50.000 Him and Fred split it up.
00:10:52.000 So they both got a million and a half.
00:10:54.000 Not bad.
00:10:55.000 But it's pounds to dollars.
00:10:57.000 It's not the same.
00:10:58.000 I think it's like a buck twenty.
00:10:59.000 So he's super balling.
00:11:01.000 Yeah.
00:11:02.000 Eighty percent of the items identified were fittings from weapons, mostly swords, and research believe it's remarkable so many were made from gold.
00:11:09.000 Wow.
00:11:10.000 Shit.
00:11:11.000 Nine pounds of gold included were fifty incredible rare gold sword pommels as well as parts of a golden helmet.
00:11:19.000 Fucking A, man.
00:11:21.000 The golden age is period of Anglo-Saxon England.
00:11:25.000 Literally.
00:11:26.000 This was a period when gold was suddenly much more available and was converted into beautiful objects for the warrior elite.
00:11:32.000 I wonder why it was more available.
00:11:35.000 What makes gold more available?
00:11:37.000 Did they figure out how to pull it out of the ground or something?
00:11:40.000 They hadn't started grabbing it from other countries yet.
00:11:44.000 I guess that was their own local gold.
00:11:46.000 Look at this, the quotation, look at this.
00:11:48.000 A collection includes, it's believed, a battle shrine with a processional, I don't know what that word means, processional cross, suggesting Christian emblems were used as good luck charms for battle.
00:12:01.000 On it is a quotation from the Book of Number, which reads, Rise up, Lord, and let thine enemies be scattered, and let them that hate thee flee before thee.
00:12:11.000 Boy.
00:12:12.000 Yeah.
00:12:13.000 Wouldn't you love to hear people talk back then?
00:12:14.000 Yeah, right.
00:12:15.000 It probably was so confusing.
00:12:17.000 Like, Game of Thrones, they talk like us.
00:12:20.000 But they didn't talk like us.
00:12:21.000 Yeah.
00:12:21.000 They had some weird lingo back then.
00:12:23.000 Well, Game of Thrones is obviously fake, but it was supposed to be a long time ago, right?
00:12:26.000 Yeah, and I'm sure they researched.
00:12:28.000 I mean, everything about that show was so authentic.
00:12:30.000 I'm sure they went back and tried to find the way people spoke at that time.
00:12:34.000 Well, not really, though, because it's not really about a time.
00:12:36.000 It's about a fantasy land.
00:12:38.000 Well, I think it was The War of the Roses it was based on, which was, I think, around the first century, wasn't it?
00:12:46.000 Yeah, but they got fucking Dark Knights or White Knights or whatever.
00:12:50.000 Oh yeah, no, they mixed a lot of it together.
00:12:52.000 Night King.
00:12:52.000 But I think there was a point where the British Empire was divided into whatever it was, five or six different kingdoms.
00:13:00.000 Oh, that's what they based it on?
00:13:01.000 Yeah, that were all fighting for the throne.
00:13:04.000 Apparently they're going to do a prequel now.
00:13:06.000 Like those guys, they were not going to do it, they were going to cancel it, but they're going to do it now.
00:13:11.000 I heard it got cancelled.
00:13:12.000 Yeah, I heard it got cancelled.
00:13:13.000 But there was just something a couple of days ago that said they're doing...
00:13:19.000 A preview, hundreds of years before.
00:13:21.000 That's about the Targaryens.
00:13:23.000 That's awesome.
00:13:25.000 Fuck yeah.
00:13:26.000 Get back after it, you fucks.
00:13:28.000 Come on.
00:13:29.000 Give me anything.
00:13:30.000 The thing about that show is, they kill everybody.
00:13:33.000 So they can always have new people.
00:13:34.000 They fucking kill everybody.
00:13:36.000 Remember the Red Wedding?
00:13:37.000 Holy shit.
00:13:38.000 HBO finally issued a statement on the cancelled.
00:13:42.000 It's cancelled.
00:13:43.000 Thumbs down.
00:13:45.000 Bad news.
00:13:46.000 It's over.
00:13:47.000 What?
00:13:47.000 Yeah, sorry.
00:13:48.000 What?
00:13:49.000 What do they say?
00:13:50.000 What's their statement?
00:13:51.000 They're bringing back Arliss, so they need space.
00:13:54.000 Ah!
00:13:54.000 Ah!
00:13:56.000 That's why he won an Emmy, ladies and gentlemen.
00:13:58.000 That's writing.
00:13:59.000 What is the statement?
00:14:01.000 Is this a good excuse?
00:14:03.000 What could their good excuse be?
00:14:05.000 We suck and we hate money?
00:14:06.000 It just says they decide not to move forward with the series.
00:14:08.000 Fuck out of here.
00:14:09.000 Well, part of the problem is that...
00:14:10.000 Who's the guy that wrote all the...
00:14:13.000 That wrote the books that it was based on, and he wrote the first...
00:14:17.000 George Martin?
00:14:18.000 George Martin wrote all of them until they got to the last season, the last two seasons, and then he ran out of steam.
00:14:24.000 And that's why they weren't as good.
00:14:25.000 People say that last season wasn't as good as the rest, because it was the two showrunners that had...
00:14:30.000 I thought the last season was excellent up until the last episode.
00:14:34.000 The last episode was kind of like, how do we end this?
00:14:37.000 Yeah.
00:14:37.000 Let's make the guy in the wheelchair a king.
00:14:39.000 Right.
00:14:39.000 Let's make him gay, too.
00:14:41.000 Yeah.
00:14:43.000 It's just...
00:14:44.000 Come on, man.
00:14:45.000 Yeah.
00:14:47.000 You know?
00:14:48.000 Yeah, they didn't...
00:14:49.000 You know, and you think about the last episode of any show is going to get a lot of...
00:14:53.000 Remember how much shit Seinfeld got for the last episode?
00:14:55.000 Yes.
00:14:56.000 Because they didn't do anything, and Game of Thrones did the same thing.
00:14:59.000 They punted.
00:15:00.000 Yeah.
00:15:00.000 They didn't go for anything.
00:15:01.000 Right.
00:15:02.000 Yeah, the beautiful thing about NewsRadio's last episode is we didn't know it was our last episode.
00:15:06.000 It was the only time we ever thought we were going to get picked up.
00:15:09.000 No shit.
00:15:10.000 And that was how many seasons?
00:15:11.000 Five.
00:15:12.000 The ratings were good.
00:15:13.000 Yeah.
00:15:13.000 The last season, we were like, we did pretty good.
00:15:15.000 Yeah.
00:15:16.000 They're like, fuck it.
00:15:16.000 It's over.
00:15:17.000 Why?
00:15:18.000 Probably because Phil was dead.
00:15:20.000 Yeah.
00:15:21.000 You know, and Lovitz came back.
00:15:22.000 Lovitz replaced Phil, but...
00:15:24.000 How many seasons was that?
00:15:25.000 Just one?
00:15:26.000 Yes.
00:15:27.000 The final season.
00:15:28.000 Yeah.
00:15:29.000 Maybe.
00:15:30.000 I mean, who knows?
00:15:30.000 It was also the problem with the news radio was news radio was not owned by NBC. Okay.
00:15:37.000 Okay.
00:15:37.000 So it was one of those shows where we moved at least eight times during the five years that we were on the air.
00:15:44.000 Your time slot.
00:15:44.000 Yeah, just always moving.
00:15:46.000 And this is before the internet, so you couldn't tell people.
00:15:47.000 It's not like you could tweet, hey, news radio is going to be on Monday at eight o'clock, but you don't give a fuck because you have a DVR. Right.
00:15:53.000 So just DVR it.
00:15:54.000 Right.
00:15:54.000 No, you found it when it was on, if you were lucky.
00:15:58.000 And they didn't advertise that much.
00:16:01.000 I was like, News radio, moving to Friday at 8. It just would move around.
00:16:05.000 We moved all over the fucking place.
00:16:06.000 What was it on, NBC? NBC, yeah.
00:16:08.000 Did you ever have a good lead-in?
00:16:10.000 Sometimes.
00:16:11.000 One time we were on the Thursday night, which was the big night with Seinfeld and friends, and we crushed it.
00:16:17.000 Yeah, we were like number two in the world.
00:16:19.000 Is that how they launched you?
00:16:20.000 No, no, no.
00:16:21.000 I don't remember how they launched.
00:16:23.000 I don't remember.
00:16:23.000 But I remember one time we were on Thursday and everybody was so excited.
00:16:26.000 Hey, it'll be on Thursday.
00:16:27.000 We'll be right after Caroline and the Shitty.
00:16:30.000 Yeah.
00:16:30.000 That's what we used to call it.
00:16:31.000 You remember Caroline and the Shitty?
00:16:32.000 Yeah, yeah, right.
00:16:33.000 It was a few of those shows, like The Single Guy.
00:16:34.000 Like, what is this?
00:16:36.000 And they stayed on forever.
00:16:38.000 Because they were owned by someone.
00:16:41.000 NBC Productions.
00:16:41.000 Either NBC or someone who had a deal with NBC, Warner Brothers or whoever it was.
00:16:46.000 That's the weird thing about...
00:16:53.000 Yeah.
00:16:58.000 Right.
00:17:00.000 Right.
00:17:06.000 Yeah.
00:17:14.000 And want that to be the lead-in for another show.
00:17:16.000 It's like baseball.
00:17:18.000 Managing baseball.
00:17:19.000 Right.
00:17:19.000 But who the fuck?
00:17:20.000 I mean, like, who's watching TV with commercials now?
00:17:24.000 Like, who's sitting there and actually watching TV with commercials?
00:17:27.000 Like, how much time do you have?
00:17:28.000 And do you not know that there are so many shows that you could watch that don't have commercials?
00:17:33.000 Yeah.
00:17:33.000 And you could just watch those and record that one and then come back and watch them when it doesn't have commercials or fast-forward through the commercials.
00:17:40.000 Yeah.
00:17:40.000 Or just get Hulu.
00:17:41.000 Yeah.
00:17:41.000 Pay $10 a month and watch the history of television.
00:17:46.000 Pilots!
00:17:47.000 I go back and watch Pilots on Hulu.
00:17:49.000 That's the fucking greatest.
00:17:50.000 Dude, the Taxi Pilot I just watched recently.
00:17:53.000 Taxi?
00:17:53.000 I forgot about Taxi.
00:17:54.000 The Taxi Pilot was so fucking heartwarming.
00:18:00.000 Really?
00:18:00.000 Oh my god.
00:18:01.000 God, it was about Alex Krieger had a daughter that he hadn't seen, he was estranged from, and he was basically like a deadbeat dad.
00:18:09.000 And it was about him reconnecting with her.
00:18:12.000 And the second half of the episode was all of them in a fucking New York taxi driving down to Florida so he could meet his daughter.
00:18:19.000 Wow.
00:18:19.000 Nowadays, it has to be like, alright, what's the simplest, most basic storyline that lets you – you've got to get to know each character, each relationship, two or three great act breaks.
00:18:31.000 There's so much criteria that go into the structure of it.
00:18:34.000 There's no room for anything interesting to happen.
00:18:37.000 Where's the diversity?
00:18:37.000 Where's the diversity?
00:18:38.000 Do you have diversity?
00:18:38.000 Where's the inclusiveness?
00:18:40.000 Right.
00:18:40.000 Inclusivity and diversity.
00:18:41.000 What's the message?
00:18:42.000 What's the heart?
00:18:43.000 Yeah.
00:18:44.000 Yeah.
00:18:45.000 Yeah, you can't just make a whack.
00:18:46.000 Well, I mean, you kind of can.
00:18:48.000 Curb your enthusiasm is still that...
00:18:49.000 HBO. Yeah, but the networks haven't done much.
00:18:52.000 Well, the networks did cool stuff with, like, The Office.
00:18:55.000 30 Rock was kind of interesting.
00:18:57.000 Well, the dumbest thing in the networks, for sure, are the presidential debates.
00:19:01.000 The fact that they take these people that are running for the most important job in the fucking known universe, and they...
00:19:07.000 We're out of time.
00:19:08.000 Thank you.
00:19:08.000 Thank you, Mr. Senator.
00:19:10.000 Thank you, Mr. Senator.
00:19:11.000 We're out of time.
00:19:12.000 Thank you, Ms. Congresswoman.
00:19:13.000 Thank you.
00:19:14.000 Thank you, Mrs. Congresswoman.
00:19:15.000 You're out of time.
00:19:16.000 Right.
00:19:16.000 Right.
00:19:17.000 You have 80 seconds to just fucking spill out as many words and get your point across and try to go viral.
00:19:23.000 Yeah.
00:19:24.000 And the worst part is then you got like the also-rans that are like on the edge of the...
00:19:29.000 They got the last podium on the left.
00:19:31.000 The guy's like the mayor of Dayton.
00:19:33.000 And he's trying to get headlines by taking a shot at the real candidates.
00:19:36.000 Yes.
00:19:37.000 Which just hurts the Democratic Party.
00:19:39.000 Yep.
00:19:39.000 Sure.
00:19:39.000 It just makes the main guy look bad because he's...
00:19:43.000 So, they got a winnow down the field.
00:19:45.000 I think a couple people just dropped out.
00:19:47.000 Beto O'Rourke just dropped out.
00:19:48.000 Shocking!
00:19:49.000 I thought that guy had King written all over him.
00:19:51.000 At the beginning.
00:19:52.000 At the beginning.
00:19:54.000 Fuck out of here.
00:19:54.000 He never did.
00:19:55.000 But he was this guy that, he got hot from running against, who'd he run against?
00:20:01.000 Ted Cruz in Texas.
00:20:04.000 Texas, of all places.
00:20:06.000 He's running against a guy who's a fucking, you know, arch-conservative.
00:20:10.000 And he comes out as this bleeding-heart liberal and almost wins.
00:20:13.000 And it's like, all of a sudden, Texas is not a red state.
00:20:16.000 It's starting to become like a purple state.
00:20:19.000 Purple's a good word for it.
00:20:21.000 Well, Austin's very weird, right?
00:20:23.000 Austin is this super blue area in a red state.
00:20:29.000 But it's also got a lot of cowboys and guns and barbecue.
00:20:32.000 It's such a great place.
00:20:34.000 Fucking great place.
00:20:35.000 Austin is one of the best places on earth.
00:20:37.000 It really is.
00:20:38.000 And people figured that out, too.
00:20:39.000 You go there and the fucking traffic is absurd.
00:20:42.000 Yeah.
00:20:42.000 You're like, why are you all here?
00:20:44.000 Oh, you found out it's awesome.
00:20:46.000 There's a great place to shoot pool there called the Jackalope.
00:20:50.000 Jack-o-lantern, Jackalope?
00:20:52.000 And it's just like...
00:20:54.000 I think?
00:21:13.000 So they act a little cool, like, you know, Keep Austin Weird, those t-shirts.
00:21:17.000 By the way, if you wear one of those fucking t-shirts, those Keep Austin Weird t-shirts, you're a part of the problem.
00:21:21.000 You're not weird.
00:21:22.000 You know, you're not weird, and if you're selling them, you're a piece of shit.
00:21:26.000 You just, you're fucking it all up.
00:21:27.000 You found this spot, and you're fucking doing those Hollywood lights, you know, when they have a premiere.
00:21:33.000 Come on, everyone, here's the spot.
00:21:36.000 Let's come ruin it!
00:21:37.000 Let's make a documentary about why it's cool.
00:21:39.000 When I first started going there, though, man, I was just stunned.
00:21:42.000 I was like, what a cool fucking place.
00:21:44.000 People are educated and aware, but also Southern.
00:21:47.000 They have a Southern accent, a Texas accent, but they're also educated and very friendly and open-minded.
00:21:55.000 It's a very unique place.
00:21:57.000 And great fucking music.
00:21:58.000 Yeah.
00:21:58.000 Yeah.
00:21:59.000 I'm playing there.
00:22:00.000 I'm going to Cap City soon.
00:22:01.000 Oh, shit!
00:22:02.000 One of my favorite clubs.
00:22:03.000 It's a great club.
00:22:04.000 The only club I did this whole year, like on the road.
00:22:06.000 Oh, no shit.
00:22:07.000 Really?
00:22:07.000 Yeah.
00:22:08.000 Wow.
00:22:08.000 Yeah.
00:22:09.000 I'm going there.
00:22:10.000 Yeah.
00:22:10.000 Because I was about four or five months after my special, and I just put together an hour that I could kind of go on the road with.
00:22:19.000 Yeah.
00:22:19.000 And I'm like, this is good.
00:22:21.000 Let's go to Cap City.
00:22:22.000 Bang out two shows a night.
00:22:23.000 Fuck yeah.
00:22:24.000 It's just a great place, man.
00:22:25.000 It's a fun place.
00:22:27.000 I've had so much fun there.
00:22:29.000 That club, it's got fun soaked into the floorboards.
00:22:34.000 It's a club where so many great comics have performed there.
00:22:41.000 They've got good taste.
00:22:43.000 Yeah, they curate good shows.
00:22:46.000 I mean, they get all kinds of comedy.
00:22:48.000 Like, Maria Bamford will be there one week, and the next week it'll be fucking Doug Stanhope or somebody like that.
00:22:53.000 It's just, you know, they're all over the place.
00:22:55.000 But it's not downtown, though.
00:22:58.000 That's the only thing, is you've got to take a little Uber into town.
00:23:00.000 It's about five, ten minutes out.
00:23:02.000 Yeah.
00:23:02.000 Yeah, but at nighttime, it's fine.
00:23:04.000 The real problem there is rush hour.
00:23:06.000 They have a real rush hour now.
00:23:08.000 They didn't have a real rush hour 10 years ago.
00:23:10.000 10 years ago, you could get around in Austin.
00:23:12.000 It was no issue.
00:23:13.000 I think it's where young kids get out of college now, and when they used to go to San Francisco, now they go to Austin.
00:23:19.000 Yeah, there's a lot of tech startups there.
00:23:21.000 There's a lot of the tech business...
00:23:24.000 Yeah.
00:23:26.000 I mean, Onnit's there, too.
00:23:27.000 There's a lot of shit there.
00:23:28.000 Onnit's there?
00:23:29.000 Yeah.
00:23:29.000 Oh, no shit.
00:23:30.000 Onnit Gym's there as well.
00:23:33.000 The factories there, everything's there.
00:23:35.000 Yeah.
00:23:35.000 Yeah.
00:23:37.000 You go there much?
00:23:38.000 Not that often.
00:23:39.000 Yeah.
00:23:39.000 No.
00:23:40.000 Maybe once a year.
00:23:42.000 No board meetings you have to be at?
00:23:44.000 I'm not a board meeting kind of guy.
00:23:48.000 I can picture you at a board meeting.
00:23:50.000 Stoned.
00:23:51.000 Stoned.
00:23:53.000 Looking at your watch, checking your fucking phone.
00:23:55.000 Checking my Instagram.
00:23:57.000 Let's see if anybody posted a good Epstein didn't kill himself meme.
00:24:05.000 Oh, fucking Epstein.
00:24:07.000 Man, what a story.
00:24:08.000 What a story.
00:24:09.000 And so now, what did they say?
00:24:10.000 That it looks like he was choked to death?
00:24:12.000 Yeah, his brother hired a real fucking autopsy guy to check it out, including that guy Michael Badden from that HBO autopsy show.
00:24:20.000 That guy said he was murdered.
00:24:22.000 Who dinged?
00:24:23.000 I might have dinged.
00:24:25.000 Do you remember that show, HBO Autopsy?
00:24:27.000 No.
00:24:28.000 It was a great show that was on basically pre-internet, where you would watch these wacky fucking stories of people that got busted murdering people by this one really good autopsy coroner.
00:24:43.000 And this coroner, Dr. Michael Badden, one of the ones I'll never forget, he took this one lady, he was in love with this lady, and she died, and he stole her corpse and had it in his house, and put a tube where her vagina was, and he had bought cases and cases of perfume,
00:25:00.000 because she was rotting in his bed, and he would just douse her in perfume and keep fucking her.
00:25:09.000 Dude.
00:25:09.000 And he put a tube in a vagina so that it didn't collapse?
00:25:12.000 Well, he put a tube there so he could fuck the tube.
00:25:15.000 He put a fuckhole in this dead lady's body.
00:25:18.000 Damn.
00:25:19.000 Yeah, oh my god, dude.
00:25:20.000 And apparently, it was like, the smell was insane.
00:25:23.000 Yeah.
00:25:24.000 Like, horrific.
00:25:24.000 And this guy, one of the, I think, one of the ways they were suspicious, like, why is this motherfucker buying cases of perfume?
00:25:31.000 Yeah.
00:25:32.000 But he put a mask over her face, and just the fact that it used to be her was enough.
00:25:40.000 I forget his deal.
00:25:42.000 I want to say he was a doctor, and she was a patient of his, and he was in love with her.
00:25:47.000 Huh.
00:25:48.000 Yeah, just some dude who just had a fucking major fuse blow.
00:25:51.000 Yeah.
00:25:52.000 Yeah.
00:25:53.000 It just goes to show you don't know who it's going to be.
00:25:55.000 It's not just some derelict on the street.
00:25:58.000 It could be your fucking doctor who snaps.
00:26:00.000 Doctors are just humans, man.
00:26:02.000 Yeah.
00:26:02.000 They're just humans.
00:26:03.000 And a lot of them have access to drugs because of the fact that they're doctors.
00:26:07.000 There was a book called Dead Doctors Don't Lie.
00:26:10.000 And it was basically the gist of the book was that a lot of people are dealing with mineral deficiencies.
00:26:15.000 And that mineral deficiencies, it's by a guy named Dr. Joel Wallach.
00:26:20.000 It's a controversial book, and his ideas are fairly controversial, but they're not controversial in the sense that in animal husbandry, in animal agriculture, people are very aware that you need to supplement the diet of a lot of animals with minerals.
00:26:35.000 For instance, some of the places where I hunt, they don't bait animals.
00:26:43.000 These are wild animals that are in these giant ranches.
00:26:47.000 There's a place in Utah that I go to.
00:26:49.000 It's like 270,000 acres.
00:26:52.000 Huge place.
00:26:53.000 But every fucking mile or so, they scatter.
00:26:57.000 They'll put these mineral licks.
00:27:00.000 And it's a mineral lick so that the deer and the elk get minerals in their diet.
00:27:06.000 Because animals like desperately need minerals and sometimes they don't get enough of it from their diet.
00:27:11.000 And particularly from foods where the ground is deficient in minerals.
00:27:18.000 Like when you...
00:27:20.000 Say if you have, like if you're growing corn, monocrops is what they call monocrop agriculture.
00:27:25.000 You're growing corn on like fucking 700 acres, just growing corn.
00:27:29.000 Well when they till that land, like every year that land has less minerals.
00:27:35.000 You're not supposed to grow the same thing in the same place forever.
00:27:40.000 And the places that are doing it right, they do what's called regenerative agriculture.
00:27:45.000 And there's a real good argument for it's one of the reasons why it's good to raise grass-fed cattle in these areas because the manure from the cattle actually is a great fertilizer.
00:27:59.000 It's good.
00:28:00.000 And also scraps from food, fish and different things.
00:28:04.000 You need nitrate.
00:28:06.000 You need nitrogen, and nitrogen is very difficult to get when you want to put it into the ground for fertilizer and all these other different minerals.
00:28:16.000 Phosphorus.
00:28:17.000 Yeah, all kinds of shit.
00:28:17.000 You have to add that stuff to the soil now because the topsoil has been so eroded from continuous over-farming.
00:28:26.000 And that his contention was that most of us, even if you're eating vegetables and you're getting stuff at the grocery store, you're getting things that are minerally deficient.
00:28:36.000 They're not optimally mineralized, if that's a word.
00:28:39.000 I don't think that's a word.
00:28:40.000 But there's not...
00:28:42.000 So I take colloidal minerals.
00:28:44.000 It's just a liquid form of minerals, like minerals that come from...
00:28:50.000 There's a type of water that's like a very rich in mineral water that is called glacial milk.
00:28:56.000 And basically what it is is the runoff from glaciers that it carries an incredible amount of minerals in it to the point where the water actually kind of looks kind of milky.
00:29:06.000 And you can get that in some places, some places on Earth, people, their water actually looks like that because it's got so many minerals in it.
00:29:15.000 Yeah.
00:29:15.000 And these people have like dark hair and, you know, health benefits are attributed to that.
00:29:20.000 Right.
00:29:20.000 I'm not smart enough to know whether or not that's accurate.
00:29:22.000 But there's definitely some benefit, some health benefit to taking minerals.
00:29:27.000 Right.
00:29:27.000 Right, people go to mineral spas.
00:29:29.000 I mean, that was the miracle elixir.
00:29:33.000 Yeah.
00:29:34.000 Do you take any minerals?
00:29:35.000 I don't take anything.
00:29:37.000 Is that glacial milk?
00:29:38.000 Yeah, fresh water meets glacial milk in Iceland.
00:29:40.000 Look at that.
00:29:41.000 Isn't that crazy?
00:29:42.000 Damn.
00:29:43.000 So that stuff on the right is just fucking overwhelmingly packed with minerals.
00:29:47.000 So they just bottle that shit?
00:29:49.000 I think you probably could get too many minerals, too.
00:29:52.000 I mean, there's always the balance.
00:29:54.000 What is a good intake?
00:29:56.000 Like, I don't take shit.
00:29:58.000 I think sometimes I take vitamin D. Vitamin D is good, especially for a white fellow like yourself.
00:30:06.000 If you're not getting enough sun.
00:30:07.000 Right, right.
00:30:08.000 That's why I take it.
00:30:08.000 That's real good.
00:30:11.000 That's it.
00:30:11.000 Do you take D3? That's all I take.
00:30:13.000 D3 is very good.
00:30:15.000 I take B. I take D. I take multivitamins.
00:30:19.000 I take what this is called.
00:30:20.000 It's a company called Pure.
00:30:21.000 Pure Encapsulations.
00:30:23.000 And they have an athlete pure pack.
00:30:27.000 It's very nice because it's real simple.
00:30:29.000 A little packet I take.
00:30:30.000 Not a sponsor.
00:30:31.000 Take this packet, just bring them with me on the road, open it up, and just take those.
00:30:36.000 And then I also take...
00:30:38.000 There's a company called Athletic Greens, and they make a really good supplement that I pour into water, and it's very easy.
00:30:46.000 And it's got a bunch of different shit, vitamins and minerals.
00:30:49.000 That is a sponsor.
00:30:50.000 Yeah.
00:30:50.000 That's good.
00:30:50.000 That's good, too, because it's whole food-based.
00:30:53.000 There's nothing synthesized.
00:30:55.000 It's all based on food.
00:30:56.000 Mm-hmm.
00:30:57.000 But I think you really should take something.
00:31:01.000 It's so hard to make sure that you're getting all the vitamins that you need from your food, especially when you go on the road.
00:31:09.000 On the road, unless you know you're eating in a really good organic restaurant or you're getting high-quality vegetables, high-quality meat, it's hard.
00:31:21.000 We're good to go.
00:31:40.000 Oh yeah, and then if you're...
00:31:41.000 I mean, Comedy Club food in 50 years has not gotten any better.
00:31:47.000 It's deep fried chicken wings and...
00:31:49.000 Except Comedy Magic Club.
00:31:51.000 Comedy Magic's got good food.
00:31:53.000 Dude, they give you a fucking serious restaurant steak there.
00:31:56.000 Like, you could go there and eat a legit excellent dinner and see a show.
00:32:00.000 Oh, what am I saying?
00:32:01.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:32:01.000 I've had plenty of dinners there.
00:32:03.000 Very good.
00:32:03.000 Right, they do have good food.
00:32:04.000 Ice House has good burgers, too.
00:32:06.000 Yeah.
00:32:06.000 Ice House has very good burgers.
00:32:07.000 Uh-huh.
00:32:09.000 But Comedy Magic Club is probably the top.
00:32:11.000 You know what's good, too, is Hilarity's in Cleveland.
00:32:14.000 They've got the Pickwick and Frolic restaurant upstairs.
00:32:16.000 Yes, I was just there.
00:32:17.000 That's a good restaurant.
00:32:17.000 I was just there.
00:32:18.000 Really?
00:32:18.000 Yeah, we went to see Jesse May.
00:32:20.000 Me and Santino.
00:32:22.000 Jesse May was playing at Hilarity's, and we were over at this arena.
00:32:26.000 So we came down and saw Jesse May, and I had a prime rib.
00:32:29.000 It was fucking great.
00:32:30.000 It's good, right?
00:32:31.000 Very good, very good.
00:32:32.000 Nick Costas is the guy that runs that place.
00:32:34.000 Although Santino got food poisoning.
00:32:35.000 No!
00:32:36.000 Yes, he did.
00:32:37.000 Oh, boy.
00:32:53.000 Yeah, I could see that.
00:32:54.000 Yeah, it's handled wrong, not washed correctly.
00:32:57.000 Yeah.
00:32:58.000 You know, a lot of people, when they get E. coli, they get it from salad because of the runoff from animal agriculture.
00:33:05.000 The runoff from the shit, animal shit.
00:33:07.000 Gets into the water, the water gets into the lettuce, or the spinach is a big one.
00:33:12.000 Spinach, a lot of people get E. coli.
00:33:13.000 Well, that's why if you go to a third world country where you don't trust the water, stay away from the salad.
00:33:17.000 Oh, yeah, right?
00:33:18.000 That's the first thing they say is don't eat lettuce in a third world country.
00:33:20.000 Good point.
00:33:21.000 Yeah.
00:33:22.000 Right.
00:33:22.000 Like, meat is meat.
00:33:23.000 Right.
00:33:24.000 As long as it's seared on the outside, you're golden.
00:33:26.000 Oh, yeah.
00:33:26.000 Look at Anthony Bardin.
00:33:27.000 He would just go to fucking Vietnam and go to a street meat shop where there's no running water and he'd just gobble down some fucking whatever meat.
00:33:35.000 He didn't even know what meat it was.
00:33:37.000 Well, they used to drink wine when people would travel to prevent traveler's illness.
00:33:44.000 Because they didn't want to drink water.
00:33:46.000 Because if you found a fucking pond somewhere and you try to suck some water out of it.
00:33:51.000 Yeah.
00:33:52.000 Like back then, it wasn't a lot.
00:33:53.000 I mean, you had to boil it.
00:33:55.000 That's it.
00:33:55.000 Yeah.
00:33:56.000 You know?
00:33:56.000 Nowadays, they have a bunch of different things you could do to water if you find it.
00:34:00.000 Like you could take water out of a fucking elk wallow.
00:34:03.000 You know what an elk wallow is?
00:34:05.000 Yeah.
00:34:06.000 It's like a puddle that elk piss in, and they wallow around in it, and they get their scent on it, especially when they're rutting, when they're having sex with the female elk.
00:34:15.000 They get in there, and they piss all over the water, and they roll around in it, and so you get this muddy puddle.
00:34:21.000 And sometimes hikers, like if you're on some serious fucking trek, you know, you're doing like the Appalachian Trail or something like that, and your water scares, you can't find a creek, you gotta take the water out of an elk wallow.
00:34:33.000 No shit!
00:34:34.000 I have friends that have done that.
00:34:35.000 And you throw it through some filters.
00:34:37.000 Yeah.
00:34:55.000 And then you get the water afterwards.
00:34:57.000 It still tastes like piss.
00:34:58.000 Yeah.
00:34:59.000 Because there's piss in it.
00:35:00.000 You're drinking piss.
00:35:01.000 You're just drinking piss that's not contaminated with something that can kill you.
00:35:04.000 Wow.
00:35:05.000 So then, a lot of times, guys, even after that, they take something called a SteriPen.
00:35:09.000 You ever heard of a SteriPen?
00:35:11.000 Steri is short for sterilization pen.
00:35:13.000 And it uses some kind of light.
00:35:15.000 Pull up a SteriPen.
00:35:17.000 I don't want to say this wrong.
00:35:19.000 But utilizing some sort of light, some sort of...
00:35:25.000 I forgot what kind of light.
00:35:27.000 What is it?
00:35:28.000 UV light.
00:35:28.000 UV light.
00:35:29.000 And you keep it in the water for a certain amount of time.
00:35:33.000 It just nukes everything.
00:35:34.000 Kills everything.
00:35:35.000 But still...
00:35:36.000 That's amazing.
00:35:37.000 Tastes like piss.
00:35:38.000 So you're drinking piss.
00:35:39.000 Yeah.
00:35:39.000 You're definitely drinking piss.
00:35:41.000 So a lot of times guys will take...
00:35:42.000 Like they sell these different...
00:35:43.000 There's a SteriPen.
00:35:45.000 So that little thing with that light, you spin it around inside your glass of water, and depending upon the amount of ounces, a certain amount of time, but it's not that much time, shockingly.
00:35:56.000 It's like 10 minutes, and sometimes guys even throw iodine tablets in water.
00:36:02.000 The whole deal is just kill anything that can fuck you up.
00:36:05.000 And just get over the fact that it's going to taste like piss.
00:36:07.000 And then they also take...
00:36:10.000 There's a bunch of companies.
00:36:12.000 There's a company called Mountain Ops.
00:36:13.000 They have stuff that you throw into the water to make the water taste better.
00:36:17.000 I wonder if you'd drink a glass of that.
00:36:20.000 If you saw a female elk and she started presenting...
00:36:23.000 Did you get hard?
00:36:23.000 You'd get hard as a rock.
00:36:25.000 I think you'd probably want to suck an elk's dick.
00:36:27.000 You'd probably...
00:36:29.000 You're probably gay for elk.
00:36:31.000 No.
00:36:31.000 No, it's not gay if it's an animal.
00:36:33.000 It's a male animal.
00:36:35.000 Oh, that's bestiality.
00:36:35.000 Yeah.
00:36:36.000 Right.
00:36:36.000 Yeah.
00:36:36.000 Interesting.
00:36:39.000 Yeah, they should get those into third world countries, some version of that, to help people drink water.
00:36:44.000 Yes.
00:36:45.000 Yeah.
00:36:45.000 Yeah.
00:36:46.000 Well, they definitely do.
00:36:47.000 They definitely do get filters and different things like that in certain countries.
00:36:51.000 You know, we're involved with Fight for the Forgotten.
00:36:56.000 It's my good buddy, Justin Wren.
00:36:58.000 So he's got a charity where they build wells for the Pygmies in the Congo.
00:37:03.000 Oh, wow.
00:37:03.000 And through this podcast and through this company, a company called the Cash App, they've raised thousands and thousands of dollars and built a bunch of wells.
00:37:12.000 They're in the process of building them now, and we've donated a bunch of money to Oh, that's amazing.
00:37:15.000 It's very cool.
00:37:16.000 But my point being, this motherfucker was just here last week, and he's got a parasite they can't even identify.
00:37:22.000 And he's had it for six months.
00:37:23.000 And he gets so fucked up, like sometimes he works out, and then he gets to the point where his body turns pale, and he starts shaking and shivering, and they have to get him into a shower.
00:37:32.000 Oh, shit.
00:37:33.000 Dude, they don't even know what it is.
00:37:35.000 Do you remember what he said it was?
00:37:37.000 They think it was a type of parasite?
00:37:39.000 They've been testing Lyme's disease recently.
00:37:41.000 Yeah, everything.
00:37:41.000 Quite a few things, yeah.
00:37:42.000 Quite a few things.
00:37:43.000 They have no idea.
00:37:43.000 They think it's in his brain.
00:37:45.000 Whatever it is.
00:37:46.000 And he's been on heavy, heavy, heavy antibiotics.
00:37:50.000 And of course, one of the things that comes with heavy antibiotics, particularly something called Cipro, is you don't just get sick from that.
00:37:59.000 You also get your ligaments become very, very lax and they get weak.
00:38:04.000 And a lot of people that come off antibiotics for a long period of time...
00:38:09.000 They are subject to injuries.
00:38:12.000 Like athletes, when they get staph infection, they put you on this heavy dose of antibiotics, but all your ligaments get weak, and they end up tearing your ACL. Both of his shoulders are torn, and he thinks it's probably a connection to the antibiotics.
00:38:27.000 Huh.
00:38:27.000 That he had to take to deal with the staff, or to deal with whatever the fuck this infection is, that he's got some very, very strange parasite.
00:38:35.000 He goes so deep in the Congo, it might be an unidentified parasite, and that's part of the problem, is that he's basically like a fucking lab rat right now.
00:38:42.000 And he's got malaria three different times.
00:38:45.000 Wow.
00:38:45.000 Not once.
00:38:46.000 Not twice.
00:38:47.000 Three times.
00:38:48.000 Yeah.
00:38:48.000 Fucking malaria.
00:38:49.000 Three times.
00:38:50.000 He didn't take the anti-malarial stuff?
00:38:52.000 It still got it.
00:38:53.000 Well, one of the things, he got it, and then he said the anti-malaria shit is so bad, and it's so rough on you, that some people would prefer to get malaria and get it treated.
00:39:05.000 And what was the stuff that he said that you get, there's a toxic sickness that he got from Maladorn, what the fuck was it called?
00:39:15.000 I was trying to think of that word for like two minutes.
00:39:17.000 Melodium?
00:39:19.000 There's a type of anti-malaria medication that they give to, particularly to soldiers.
00:39:26.000 And they find that these guys, it's fucking incredibly toxic.
00:39:29.000 And they found it in his brain.
00:39:32.000 They found that he's suffering from poisoning from this anti-malaria medication.
00:39:37.000 And he was on like really high doses of this shit too.
00:39:41.000 If you live somewhere like that, you're supposed to be taking it all the time.
00:39:45.000 Constantly.
00:39:46.000 What the fuck?
00:39:47.000 You know, when they built the...
00:39:48.000 Melodium?
00:39:51.000 What the fuck?
00:39:51.000 The Panama Canal.
00:39:53.000 They went down there.
00:39:53.000 The French tried to dig it for, like, 50 fucking years.
00:39:58.000 And they were dropping, like, flies from the malaria.
00:40:00.000 They didn't know it was from malaria.
00:40:02.000 They had no idea what was going on.
00:40:03.000 They just knew people were getting sick while they were trying to...
00:40:06.000 I mean, the scope of that project at that time was insane.
00:40:10.000 I mean, they were hand-digging a fucking canal from...
00:40:15.000 I mean, through, like, thick jungle.
00:40:19.000 In the middle of the country.
00:40:20.000 In the middle of the country.
00:40:21.000 And they were just, people were getting sick, and then they would, and eventually France, after 50 years, said, fuck it.
00:40:28.000 And then they just left.
00:40:29.000 And then for some reason, we bought it, and we're like, we can do it.
00:40:33.000 So we went down there.
00:40:35.000 Meth-lo-queen.
00:40:37.000 Meth-lo-queen?
00:40:38.000 That sounds like a queef.
00:40:41.000 She meth-lo-queened.
00:40:42.000 So we show up, and they realize one guy...
00:40:45.000 Spell it out.
00:40:47.000 Put it up there again so we could...
00:40:49.000 A mellow-queen.
00:40:50.000 Meth-lo-queen.
00:40:52.000 Sold under the brand names Larium.
00:40:54.000 That's what I've heard.
00:40:55.000 I've heard medication to prevent or treat malaria.
00:40:57.000 It's used to start a potential exposure...
00:41:00.000 And continue for several weeks after potential exposure, and then people get sick off of that stuff.
00:41:05.000 Yeah.
00:41:06.000 Is that it?
00:41:06.000 That's definitely it?
00:41:07.000 Yep.
00:41:07.000 Okay.
00:41:08.000 All right.
00:41:09.000 It seems wrong.
00:41:10.000 Like, the name seems wrong, doesn't it?
00:41:11.000 That's what I looked up.
00:41:12.000 I know, but does it seem right to you?
00:41:14.000 It seems wrong to me.
00:41:15.000 I don't know.
00:41:17.000 I'm sure it's right, but it just...
00:41:20.000 So we go in and some genius goes, it's the fucking mosquitoes.
00:41:24.000 We're getting an infection from the mosquitoes.
00:41:27.000 So they've simply got rid of standing water.
00:41:30.000 They just started finding, they had teams of people every day would go out and they'd find puddles and they would get rid of the puddles.
00:41:36.000 And they went from going like, I'm telling you, one out of three people was dying trying to dig this tunnel.
00:41:42.000 And they went to almost nobody dying.
00:41:44.000 Do you know malaria has killed some insane number of people?
00:41:47.000 We looked it up once.
00:41:48.000 I think the rumor is that it's killed half the people who have ever died.
00:41:55.000 Ever.
00:41:56.000 No shit.
00:41:57.000 Have been killed by malaria.
00:41:59.000 Whoa.
00:42:00.000 Yeah.
00:42:00.000 That was what I had heard.
00:42:01.000 I think it's less than that that they can definitely determine was killed by malaria.
00:42:09.000 But nevertheless, it's a staggering number of humans.
00:42:13.000 Damn.
00:42:13.000 Those little dirty mosquitoes.
00:42:15.000 Yeah.
00:42:15.000 I think we can get rid of them, right?
00:42:17.000 Yeah, they're trying to do that.
00:42:18.000 They're trying to genetically engineer mosquitoes that don't carry malaria.
00:42:23.000 And then they're also thinking that, you know, and this is really dangerous, really dangerous, that they could just get rid of mosquitoes, period.
00:42:32.000 But the problem with that is, man, you don't know how all that shit's connected.
00:42:37.000 I know.
00:42:37.000 What happens if you get rid of mosquitoes?
00:42:39.000 Do beetles take over?
00:42:41.000 Do beetles start carrying diseases?
00:42:43.000 They start biting people?
00:42:44.000 Like, what morphs?
00:42:45.000 Like, a mosquito wasn't always a mosquito.
00:42:47.000 This must be understood, right?
00:42:48.000 A mosquito, at one point in time, was a single-celled organism, just like us.
00:42:52.000 And then it became a mosquito and found a really good niche.
00:42:56.000 It's like, this fucking mosquito business is the shit, right?
00:42:59.000 It's like fast food.
00:43:01.000 You can't go wrong.
00:43:02.000 Mosquito business is awesome.
00:43:04.000 Sure.
00:43:05.000 They fucking go crazy.
00:43:06.000 Yeah, all they need is a little bit of water and any living thing that they can take a little fucking drop of blood from.
00:43:11.000 Did you ever go to my, when I rented a house in Encino, did you ever go to that place?
00:43:15.000 I don't think so.
00:43:16.000 I think it was before you moved out here.
00:43:18.000 When I first moved out here, I rented this house in Encino and nobody had lived in it for a couple of years.
00:43:24.000 And the fucking pool had not been taken care of.
00:43:27.000 So the pool was green, like the Hulk's dick, okay?
00:43:30.000 And I looked in the pool, and little things were swimming, like schools of fish.
00:43:35.000 And I was like, what the fuck is this?
00:43:37.000 And the pool guy goes, oh, bro, that's mosquito larva.
00:43:41.000 I was like, what?
00:43:42.000 And he goes, yeah.
00:43:43.000 He goes, we got to kill this now before you literally infect the entire neighborhood with mosquitoes.
00:43:49.000 Like, there was fish.
00:43:50.000 No shit.
00:43:52.000 Like, swimming.
00:43:53.000 Whoa!
00:43:53.000 Dude, like, filled with mosquito.
00:43:55.000 Have you ever seen mosquito larvae in a pool?
00:43:58.000 It was so disturbing.
00:43:59.000 I was like, I gotta get a hotel.
00:44:01.000 He's like, no, no, we can kill it, we can kill it.
00:44:02.000 But they had to pour, like, fuck, they drained the entire pool and poured gallons and gallons of poison in there.
00:44:10.000 They just filled, and I couldn't swim in it for, like, six months or something.
00:44:13.000 I don't remember what it was.
00:44:14.000 But it was so nasty.
00:44:16.000 You could see these little fuckers swimming.
00:44:18.000 Yeah.
00:44:19.000 Like, schools of fish.
00:44:20.000 That's amazing.
00:44:20.000 Like, little schools.
00:44:21.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:44:22.000 Swimming around there.
00:44:23.000 Wow.
00:44:23.000 Yeah.
00:44:24.000 Standing water.
00:44:25.000 Yeah, standing water, man.
00:44:26.000 That's all it takes.
00:44:27.000 That's why you gotta have a fountain.
00:44:28.000 You have little fucking bubbles running through it.
00:44:30.000 We are so, so lucky when it comes to bugs out here, though.
00:44:35.000 I know.
00:44:35.000 We got no bugs.
00:44:36.000 No bugs.
00:44:37.000 Well, we got termites.
00:44:39.000 That's the only thing.
00:44:40.000 They're fucking insidious.
00:44:42.000 Yeah, they're gross.
00:44:42.000 We built a fence around our house.
00:44:44.000 It took like six weeks, they put it in, and six months later, there's fucking little, you ever see shavings from that powder on the bottom?
00:44:52.000 I'm like, you motherfuckers brought termite-infested wood to my house, and now it's in my house also.
00:44:58.000 The wood had termites in it?
00:45:00.000 Can you sue?
00:45:02.000 Probably.
00:45:03.000 I'm not really a sewer.
00:45:04.000 What are you?
00:45:05.000 You plot revenge?
00:45:06.000 Just a guy who gets sad when things happen.
00:45:09.000 Silent revenge.
00:45:09.000 Don't say that.
00:45:10.000 I'm Irish.
00:45:11.000 Silent revenge.
00:45:12.000 Yeah.
00:45:14.000 Revenga.
00:45:14.000 I'm an arsonist.
00:45:15.000 I find the next project he's going to do.
00:45:17.000 Take it down.
00:45:19.000 So they brought wood that had termites in it?
00:45:22.000 Yeah.
00:45:23.000 For sure?
00:45:24.000 Well, the wood had fucking termites in it immediately.
00:45:26.000 Did you contact the contractor?
00:45:29.000 I don't even remember.
00:45:30.000 This was like 15 years ago.
00:45:32.000 Whatever.
00:45:32.000 Is the fence still there?
00:45:34.000 Yeah, but it's like I tried to screw something into it the other day and it wouldn't hold the fucking screw.
00:45:39.000 It was like powder underneath.
00:45:40.000 The whole thing needs to be ripped down.
00:45:42.000 You could run through that fence like the Hulk.
00:45:43.000 Yeah, yeah.
00:45:44.000 We're not keeping anybody out.
00:45:47.000 The high C guy and the Hulk meeting at my house.
00:45:51.000 The Kool-Aid guy, right?
00:45:52.000 Hey, Kool-Aid.
00:45:52.000 Remember that?
00:45:54.000 Yeah.
00:45:54.000 Whatever happened to the Kool-Aid guy?
00:45:55.000 They just stopped that campaign.
00:45:56.000 That was a huge campaign.
00:45:58.000 Yeah, he ran through the fucking house everywhere.
00:46:00.000 Yep.
00:46:00.000 Kids were sitting there, boy, I'm thirsty.
00:46:02.000 Boom!
00:46:03.000 A fucking giant pitcher.
00:46:03.000 Kool-Aid guy shows up.
00:46:05.000 Yeah.
00:46:05.000 A pitcher with a face on it.
00:46:06.000 Runs right through your house.
00:46:07.000 You kids want a fucking bucket of sugar with some water in it?
00:46:11.000 Boy, was that delicious, though.
00:46:12.000 Oh, yeah.
00:46:13.000 I had some Kool-Aid a couple years ago.
00:46:15.000 I ate at this place in...
00:46:17.000 What's that shitty town in California?
00:46:24.000 Fresno.
00:46:24.000 There's a place called...
00:46:26.000 God damn it.
00:46:28.000 I follow them on Instagram.
00:46:30.000 It's a soul food place in Fresno.
00:46:34.000 Trying to remember.
00:46:36.000 Paul's Kitchen.
00:46:37.000 Is that it?
00:46:38.000 Sure.
00:46:38.000 Chef Paul's.
00:46:39.000 Chef Paul's Cafe.
00:46:40.000 Dude.
00:46:41.000 You know, sometimes you're in the road, you find a place that's just fucking off the charts good.
00:46:46.000 If you're in Fresno, ladies and gentlemen, Chef Paul's Cafe, I fucking give it two thumbs up.
00:46:51.000 No shit!
00:46:52.000 Five stars.
00:46:53.000 Full on soul food, like fucking collard greens, oxtails, like...
00:46:59.000 Phenomenal food.
00:47:00.000 And they also had Kool-Aid.
00:47:02.000 I was like, okay, well obviously I'm going all in.
00:47:05.000 I gotta get the Kool-Aid too.
00:47:06.000 I hadn't had Kool-Aid in probably a decade.
00:47:09.000 Is that a soul food thing?
00:47:10.000 Kool-Aid?
00:47:11.000 I don't know.
00:47:12.000 It was their menu thing.
00:47:13.000 They had a bunch of crazy shit on the menu.
00:47:15.000 That's it right there.
00:47:18.000 It's a great restaurant in a sketchy town.
00:47:22.000 Fresno's sketchy as fuck.
00:47:24.000 We were driving down the street.
00:47:25.000 There's homeless communities.
00:47:27.000 Skid Row style.
00:47:27.000 Look at that food, dude.
00:47:28.000 Seriously.
00:47:29.000 Chicken and waffles.
00:47:30.000 Oh my god.
00:47:31.000 Their food is so good.
00:47:33.000 Their fried chicken's off the charts.
00:47:34.000 But the oxtail.
00:47:35.000 I had oxtail.
00:47:36.000 There's chicken and waffles.
00:47:38.000 Oh, that looks good.
00:47:39.000 It's so good, man.
00:47:41.000 That place is amazing.
00:47:42.000 And it's just super, super authentic, like, down-home, like, real hearty comfort food.
00:47:50.000 There's that Kool-Aid right there, baby.
00:47:53.000 Kool-Aid on the menu.
00:47:54.000 I mean, why not, man?
00:47:55.000 Just get all the flavors when you're at a place like that.
00:47:57.000 Right.
00:47:58.000 Don't drink water, you asshole.
00:47:59.000 Get all the flavors.
00:48:00.000 Get yourself some Kool-Aid, too.
00:48:02.000 Get yourself some Kool-Aid, too.
00:48:04.000 Well, that's what Red Bull is, isn't it?
00:48:06.000 It's just Kool-Aid.
00:48:07.000 Red Bull has taurine in it, and taurine is actually originally from bullcum.
00:48:13.000 Really?
00:48:14.000 Yes.
00:48:15.000 Taurine is a stimulant that's derived from bulges, and Hitler used to actually take bullcum.
00:48:24.000 I think I found that out from Tom Papa.
00:48:26.000 Is that who told me?
00:48:26.000 Someone told me that.
00:48:28.000 And we Googled it.
00:48:29.000 I was like, what?
00:48:30.000 Like, they figured out a way to synthesize it, but taurine is one of the actual ingredients in bulges.
00:48:38.000 Damn.
00:48:38.000 So people used to take bulges as some sort of a stimulant, I guess?
00:48:42.000 Here it is.
00:48:43.000 Heil Hitler!
00:48:44.000 Oh, hi Hitler.
00:48:45.000 Medical records show Führer Adolf was a cocaine addict and was injected with bullsemen to help his sex life.
00:48:52.000 He also took steroids.
00:48:54.000 He took a lot of testosterone.
00:48:56.000 He suffered from flatulence, known to break wind during meals with his generals.
00:49:01.000 Oh, they all ratted him out.
00:49:03.000 I wonder if you say to a guy who's killing millions of Jews, that was offensive.
00:49:08.000 Yeah.
00:49:09.000 That smell was offensive.
00:49:10.000 Your farts are worse than what you've done to the Jews.
00:49:13.000 Right.
00:49:13.000 You gassed them.
00:49:14.000 You're gassing us now.
00:49:16.000 Well, he was a vegetarian, too.
00:49:18.000 Was he?
00:49:18.000 Yeah.
00:49:18.000 If you eat a lot of vegetables, like broccoli farts, they're famous.
00:49:22.000 Oh, yeah.
00:49:23.000 Because your body's breaking down all that fiber.
00:49:25.000 Yeah.
00:49:26.000 I think it has something to do also with the vegetables are breaking down faster than the meat.
00:49:31.000 If you eat meat and vegetables, and they get caught in your intestine, that's where you get pockets of gas.
00:49:37.000 The meat's blocking it up.
00:49:39.000 Fermenting.
00:49:39.000 Yeah.
00:49:40.000 Steaming up, creating gas.
00:49:42.000 Yeah.
00:49:42.000 Dude, I've been farting phenomenally.
00:49:45.000 I enjoy farting.
00:49:46.000 Do you?
00:49:47.000 And my wife laughs at it.
00:49:48.000 Thank God.
00:49:49.000 We wouldn't still be together.
00:49:50.000 You fart in front of her?
00:49:50.000 Oh, yeah.
00:49:51.000 You don't even let her know it's coming?
00:49:53.000 No, I will walk in the room with a fart because she laughs at me.
00:49:58.000 I don't know what it is.
00:50:00.000 She thinks it's funny every fucking time I fart.
00:50:02.000 She's a good guy.
00:50:03.000 Yeah, she is.
00:50:05.000 And she farts.
00:50:06.000 She wishes she could fart as much as I do, but when she does, she lets me know.
00:50:10.000 Our family does.
00:50:11.000 The whole family farts?
00:50:12.000 Son farts at the dinner table.
00:50:14.000 We all laugh.
00:50:15.000 Yeah.
00:50:15.000 We're very open about it.
00:50:17.000 But do you think that that's going to carry on to his next relationship?
00:50:19.000 I hope so.
00:50:20.000 I hope so too, but it's hard to find a gal that's down with that.
00:50:23.000 I think you've got to make him down with it.
00:50:25.000 You ease him in.
00:50:26.000 You start with a little one, and then gently you just, you know...
00:50:32.000 If they smell, you take it in the other room.
00:50:34.000 But if it's just a...
00:50:35.000 And you know your cycle.
00:50:36.000 You usually know what's in the tank based on the previous ones.
00:50:39.000 Sometimes you don't.
00:50:40.000 Sometimes you think you're floating an air biscuit and you let out a bomb.
00:50:43.000 Yeah.
00:50:45.000 Yeah.
00:50:46.000 Yeah.
00:50:46.000 Whenever I'm getting on a plane, I try to get a few out before I get on the plane when I'm on that ramp.
00:50:52.000 You know what's weird?
00:50:53.000 This is really strange.
00:50:54.000 I mean, really strange.
00:50:56.000 And not a lot of people are aware of this.
00:50:57.000 When you are around certain smells, like...
00:51:02.000 If you're, like, say if you're butchering an animal, okay?
00:51:05.000 Say if you shot an animal in the field, and you're hunting, and you cut it up, and you...
00:51:10.000 The smells that come from that animal will be in your farts, even if you don't eat it.
00:51:15.000 Wow.
00:51:16.000 It's weird.
00:51:17.000 Oh, shit.
00:51:17.000 It's weird.
00:51:18.000 And...
00:51:20.000 I had recognized this, but I was confused by it.
00:51:24.000 And then it was brought up to me by friends that are hunting guides in Alberta.
00:51:30.000 My friends John and Jen, the Rivets, they've got this guide service.
00:51:35.000 And one of the things they hunt is bears.
00:51:37.000 And bear is delicious, but you have to cook it right because you can get trichinosis.
00:51:42.000 It's like pork.
00:51:43.000 Same kind of deal.
00:51:45.000 But they smell.
00:51:46.000 Their guts and when you're butchering them, a lot of times people use what's called the gutless method.
00:51:52.000 It means you take all the meat out without opening up the gut cavity.
00:51:56.000 Because if you do get that stuff on you, specifically if they've been eating something that's rotten, the smell is horrible.
00:52:14.000 I will be a pariah.
00:52:19.000 But I've smelt it before.
00:52:21.000 Someone's like, did you have bear?
00:52:22.000 Yeah, like if I've shot a deer in the field, and it's called quartering it, you gut it, you take out the heart and the liver, you eat the heart and the liver, you quarter it, you take the limbs off, you take the legs off,
00:52:38.000 and you take the meat off the back, it's called the back straps, and the tenderloins, you take all that stuff off, and then when you fart, you fucking smell that animal in your farts.
00:52:47.000 Wow.
00:52:48.000 This was addressed, actually, by my friend Steve Rinella on the show Meat Eater.
00:52:52.000 They were trying to figure out why.
00:52:54.000 They're like, okay, this is a real thing, right?
00:52:56.000 Everybody talks about this.
00:52:57.000 How is it getting in you?
00:52:59.000 You're smelling it, and then somehow or another, those molecules come out.
00:53:04.000 You go all the way through your body from you smelling it and breathing in that air, and it comes out in your farts, and you smell this horrific gut smell.
00:53:15.000 Sounds like a good game show.
00:53:16.000 Yeah.
00:53:17.000 You know, you go into a room and you come out and the contestants have to guess what animal you just courted.
00:53:22.000 Wham!
00:53:26.000 I wonder if that's the case with...
00:53:27.000 I mean, it must be the case with fish, too.
00:53:29.000 Like, you catch a bunch of fish, you gut them, and then you probably smell fish farts when you're farting.
00:53:34.000 You probably smell like fish.
00:53:35.000 But the weird thing is, it would make sense if you were eating it, right?
00:53:38.000 If you cooked it and ate it, that would make sense.
00:53:40.000 But this is...
00:53:41.000 I'm telling you, this is farting when you've had none of it yet.
00:53:44.000 You haven't eaten any of it.
00:53:46.000 But you fart.
00:53:47.000 Yeah.
00:53:48.000 And you smell it.
00:53:50.000 I think I fart...
00:53:52.000 I think you fart from getting nervous also.
00:53:54.000 Like, if you're a nervous person, I think you fart a lot.
00:53:56.000 That makes sense, right?
00:53:58.000 Your gut starts building all the juices and stuff.
00:54:01.000 Yeah.
00:54:01.000 Here it is.
00:54:02.000 Farts can fight strokes, heart attacks, and dementia, scientists claim.
00:54:06.000 That's fantastic!
00:54:07.000 That girl.
00:54:08.000 She farts in your face.
00:54:09.000 You don't get a heart attack.
00:54:10.000 They always get a hot chick in the picture.
00:54:11.000 A study has proven that farts can help your cells to live.
00:54:15.000 What?
00:54:16.000 What?
00:54:17.000 Yeah.
00:54:19.000 Sulfur...
00:54:19.000 What is it?
00:54:20.000 Hydrogen sulfide is well known as a pungent, foul-smelling gas in rotten eggs and flatulence.
00:54:27.000 It is naturally produced in the body and could, in fact, be a healthcare hero with significant implications for future therapies for a variety of diseases.
00:54:37.000 Can you imagine if all those weirdos that pay women to fart in their face if they're onto something?
00:54:43.000 Yeah, right.
00:54:44.000 Right.
00:54:45.000 Those women are heroes.
00:54:46.000 Yeah.
00:54:48.000 Those are the most confusing porn videos.
00:54:51.000 I've never seen that.
00:54:52.000 Where guys are like laying there and girls are like, you want to fart, you dirty bitch?
00:54:55.000 And they fart in their face.
00:54:56.000 Yeah, mommy.
00:54:57.000 Give me that fart, mommy.
00:54:58.000 And they fart in their face.
00:55:00.000 Oh, it's so fucking, it's so confusing.
00:55:03.000 It makes me shut my laptop and walk around the block.
00:55:06.000 That's fucking great.
00:55:07.000 I've seen a bunch of those.
00:55:08.000 You've never seen one of those?
00:55:09.000 No, I've never seen it.
00:55:10.000 I'm just trying to figure out who the first guy was that had the balls to just go, like smelling a fart and going, I think this is it.
00:55:19.000 I think this is my, you know, for some people it's feet, you know?
00:55:22.000 Yeah, right.
00:55:23.000 Some people it's farts.
00:55:24.000 Wow.
00:55:25.000 Yeah, that's a thing with guys.
00:55:27.000 Farting in the face.
00:55:29.000 Some people like a lot of weird shit.
00:55:32.000 I had this girl on the podcast back in the day.
00:55:34.000 It actually made me sad talking to her.
00:55:36.000 Her name was Sierra Lynch.
00:55:37.000 Remember her?
00:55:38.000 I was like, what?
00:55:40.000 She's selling her piss.
00:55:42.000 She sells toenail clippings, dirty socks, dirty underwear, all these guys.
00:55:46.000 And then she humiliates these guys.
00:55:48.000 They want her to humiliate them.
00:55:51.000 I believe she refers to her.
00:55:54.000 She's a very smart girl.
00:55:55.000 Very pretty, too.
00:55:56.000 She refers to herself as a humiliatrix.
00:56:00.000 It's her business.
00:56:02.000 She bought a fucking house.
00:56:04.000 She's wealthy because of getting these guys to buy her shit and piss.
00:56:10.000 Very strange.
00:56:11.000 I think I got a new nickname for my wife.
00:56:16.000 Humiliatrix.
00:56:19.000 But I met this prostitute in Lake Tahoe.
00:56:23.000 She had come to my show and she was like, you know, in Nevada, it's all legal.
00:56:28.000 And so I go, what's the weirdest client that you ever had?
00:56:33.000 And she goes, well, I don't know if you're ready for this, but I met this guy, and he lived in Colorado, and he had been in Nevada.
00:56:42.000 Liked her.
00:56:43.000 She said she's up for anything.
00:56:45.000 Sends a jet to take her to Colorado.
00:56:48.000 Oh, Jesus.
00:56:49.000 They go to Denver to some five-star hotel.
00:56:51.000 Come up to the suite, presidential suite.
00:56:53.000 They come in.
00:56:54.000 She's like, I have no idea what this is about.
00:56:56.000 And he goes, now, this is going to be weird, but it's not going to hurt you.
00:57:01.000 Just go with it.
00:57:24.000 I didn't think it was going Five pounds of hamburger meat.
00:57:28.000 And he just stood there and she kept stuffing it up, stuffing it up.
00:57:32.000 No erection, no sex, no touching her.
00:57:35.000 And then back on the jet, back to Nevada.
00:57:40.000 So he's a wealthy guy.
00:57:41.000 He paid her a ton of money.
00:57:43.000 Oh my god.
00:57:47.000 I'm surprised, but I'm not surprised.
00:57:49.000 Like if you said, would you bet your life?
00:57:52.000 That there's a guy out there that sent a private jet to get a prostitute and take her to a nice restaurant and then paid her to stuff hamburger meat up his ass.
00:58:02.000 If you're wrong, you die.
00:58:04.000 I go, yeah, it probably happened.
00:58:10.000 Right?
00:58:10.000 Right, a million monkeys typing, you know?
00:58:12.000 Yeah, I mean, I'm not...
00:58:14.000 I'm surprised, but I'm not stunned.
00:58:17.000 Right.
00:58:17.000 I'm not like, no way, I don't believe that.
00:58:19.000 Yeah.
00:58:19.000 I believe it.
00:58:21.000 Well, and the funny thing is, like, I don't get the sense this guy is on a chat room talking to other guys that stuff ground beef up their asses.
00:58:29.000 This is his thing.
00:58:30.000 Right.
00:58:30.000 That's a personal thing.
00:58:32.000 He's got so much fucking money that his mind just goes to places, and he can indulge it.
00:58:38.000 He can just go, yeah, he'll try that.
00:58:41.000 What the fuck?
00:58:42.000 What the fuck, man?
00:58:43.000 And talk about getting diseases.
00:58:45.000 Oh, yeah.
00:58:47.000 Well, there's just an outbreak of, um, is it salmonella?
00:58:51.000 Yeah, from ground beef.
00:58:53.000 I think someone died.
00:58:54.000 Yeah.
00:58:54.000 One person died.
00:58:55.000 A few other people have been, uh, they've been recalled.
00:58:59.000 Right.
00:59:00.000 Yeah, you can get salmonella anally.
00:59:02.000 For sure.
00:59:03.000 It's raw.
00:59:04.000 You gotta tell your doctor.
00:59:05.000 Fucking A. What happened?
00:59:07.000 Well, have a seat.
00:59:10.000 Let's start from the beginning.
00:59:11.000 When I was a boy...
00:59:13.000 First time, started getting hard-ons.
00:59:16.000 I sat on a cheeseburger.
00:59:20.000 Do you think these guys, if I shove solid food up my butt, would I gain any nutrition from it?
00:59:28.000 First of all, here's the thing.
00:59:29.000 He's answered by Andrew Lee, doctor of acupuncture.
00:59:33.000 Hey, fuckface, you didn't go to medical school.
00:59:35.000 Stop calling yourself a doctor.
00:59:37.000 Doctor of acupuncture is so weird.
00:59:39.000 It's like, I'm a doctor of comedy.
00:59:41.000 You know what I mean?
00:59:42.000 You practice acupuncture.
00:59:45.000 You're not a doctor.
00:59:46.000 They don't go to medical school.
00:59:47.000 Did you know that?
00:59:48.000 I didn't know that.
00:59:49.000 Doctors are doctors.
00:59:50.000 A doctor goes to a medical school.
00:59:53.000 It's hard.
00:59:54.000 You have to study.
00:59:55.000 You have to do your residency.
00:59:57.000 You have to get your fucking degree at a medical school.
01:00:02.000 Not chiropractors.
01:00:04.000 They call themselves doctors.
01:00:05.000 But they don't go to medical school at all.
01:00:07.000 At all!
01:00:09.000 And they can fuck you up.
01:00:10.000 They do those cracks on your neck.
01:00:12.000 Pull that up so we can read that.
01:00:15.000 So...
01:00:17.000 Answer is, things can be absorbed through the membrane.
01:00:20.000 Through membrane...
01:00:21.000 What?
01:00:22.000 See, this is how...
01:00:23.000 It's not the answer.
01:00:24.000 I was just showing you that people have asked this.
01:00:26.000 No, I'm saying, but listen to the way he writes the answer.
01:00:29.000 This is how a chiropractor writes it versus a real doctor.
01:00:32.000 Things that can be absorbed through membrane will bypass the liver when taken through the anus.
01:00:38.000 Through membrane will bypass the liver.
01:00:41.000 Through a membrane...
01:00:43.000 Okay.
01:00:44.000 For example, various drugs can be taken as through the anus in order to be easier on the liver.
01:00:52.000 This is how chiropractors write.
01:00:54.000 Yeah.
01:00:54.000 See?
01:00:55.000 See how he's writing?
01:00:55.000 This is not a guy who went to medical school.
01:00:57.000 No.
01:00:57.000 As the liver no longer needs to filter the drug, which makes the drug half as potent and is also hard on the liver.
01:01:06.000 This guy's Asian.
01:01:07.000 How do you know that?
01:01:08.000 What's his name?
01:01:09.000 Andrew Lee.
01:01:10.000 Yeah.
01:01:10.000 How I did not know his name when I said he's Asian.
01:01:13.000 I could tell by the way he was writing.
01:01:15.000 Alcohol can cross the cell membrane and thus absorbs very easily into the human body.
01:01:21.000 Oh, how about this?
01:01:22.000 My friend, his wife is a school teacher in Utah and they have a problem in middle school because kids are taking tampons and they're soaking them and rubbing alcohol and stuffing them up their assholes.
01:01:38.000 And they're getting high.
01:01:39.000 Really?
01:01:40.000 Yes.
01:01:41.000 Wow.
01:01:42.000 One kid found out about it, and a bunch of other kids did it, and so they had a problem in their fucking school.
01:01:50.000 Where kids were putting tampons, dipping them in rubbing alcohol, and stuffing them up their butt.
01:01:58.000 Shout out to my friend Huey.
01:02:00.000 And by the way, I don't know how many millions of listeners you have.
01:02:04.000 How many people are now going to do that?
01:02:06.000 A lot.
01:02:06.000 40. 40?
01:02:07.000 40 people.
01:02:08.000 About 40?
01:02:08.000 It's been going on for a while.
01:02:09.000 Yeah, apparently.
01:02:10.000 I didn't know about it until three weeks ago.
01:02:14.000 I bet it feels good.
01:02:17.000 Nice and cool.
01:02:17.000 Define feels good.
01:02:19.000 Tingle a little bit.
01:02:21.000 What if you got a hemorrhoid, though?
01:02:23.000 Yikes!
01:02:24.000 Ah!
01:02:27.000 I'm sure people like that.
01:02:29.000 I'm sure there's people that cut themselves and pour alcohol on it just to feel a sting.
01:02:32.000 Yeah.
01:02:34.000 I'm a piece of shit!
01:02:36.000 Cut!
01:02:38.000 The definition of a drunk asshole.
01:02:47.000 Don't be a drunk asshole.
01:02:50.000 Especially when you're 12. Fucking middle school!
01:02:53.000 They're fucking Mormons, probably, so they're so desperate.
01:02:57.000 Ooh, that's a good point.
01:02:58.000 Maybe.
01:02:58.000 Yeah, we're talking Utah.
01:03:00.000 Remember Kitty Dukakis?
01:03:01.000 She was sober.
01:03:03.000 She was drinking aftershave, right?
01:03:05.000 Was it?
01:03:06.000 Aftershave, isopropyl.
01:03:08.000 Yeah.
01:03:09.000 That sunk his...
01:03:10.000 Well, he kind of was on the way out anyway.
01:03:12.000 It was that and when he sat on a tank with a helmet on.
01:03:15.000 Yeah, that was...
01:03:16.000 And people are like, what?
01:03:17.000 Are you a soldier?
01:03:18.000 Are you in war?
01:03:19.000 Why do you have a helmet?
01:03:20.000 Yeah.
01:03:21.000 We're not even at war, you piece of shit.
01:03:22.000 Right, right.
01:03:24.000 Mike Dukakis.
01:03:25.000 Remember him?
01:03:26.000 He was like...
01:03:27.000 Who did he run against?
01:03:29.000 I want to say Bush Sr. Was it?
01:03:32.000 Bush Sr. Yeah.
01:03:32.000 Yeah.
01:03:33.000 Yeah.
01:03:34.000 I think that was a landslide.
01:03:36.000 Yeah, people weren't down with that.
01:03:38.000 It's interesting how some things sink some people.
01:03:40.000 Like, that Howard Dover guy has got to be so fucking confused that Donald Trump got away with that grab-em-by-the-pussy thing when all he did was scream.
01:03:49.000 Remember that guy?
01:03:50.000 Oh, yeah.
01:03:51.000 Dean.
01:03:51.000 We're going to Arkansas!
01:03:53.000 Then we're going to Detroit!
01:03:54.000 Yeah, yeah.
01:03:55.000 There he is.
01:03:56.000 I know!
01:03:57.000 It sunk him!
01:03:58.000 Sunk him.
01:03:59.000 Fuck!
01:04:01.000 Look, he had his helmet with a fucking sticker on it.
01:04:03.000 That probably sunk him, too.
01:04:05.000 Why did you say, oh, Mike Dukakis on your helmet, bro?
01:04:07.000 Are you going to go fight for our country?
01:04:09.000 Get out of here, son.
01:04:10.000 Look at him now.
01:04:11.000 See the picture of him now?
01:04:12.000 Hammered.
01:04:14.000 Look at him.
01:04:14.000 He's probably like, how's the president?
01:04:16.000 Go to the one picture above that with the red face.
01:04:18.000 Look at that.
01:04:18.000 How's the fucking president?
01:04:20.000 That guy is like, if we did a gig for Dick Daugherty in New Hampshire, if you would...
01:04:27.000 That guy would be at the bar.
01:04:28.000 Hey, you fucking guys, it was funny, but you know what?
01:04:30.000 I was almost president.
01:04:31.000 I was almost president, my wife.
01:04:34.000 My fucking wife, she's drinking rubbing alcohol on this aftershave.
01:04:39.000 And that aftershave, fucking, this is aqua velva.
01:04:43.000 My fucking wife's drinking aqua velva.
01:04:45.000 Fuck, it sunk me.
01:04:46.000 Bitch sunk me.
01:04:48.000 You look thick head of hair, though.
01:04:49.000 Yeah.
01:04:50.000 Oof.
01:04:51.000 Was he the governor?
01:04:52.000 I believe he was.
01:04:54.000 Yeah, he was the governor.
01:04:54.000 I believe he was the governor of Massachusetts.
01:04:55.000 Yeah.
01:04:56.000 Yeah.
01:04:56.000 Right.
01:04:57.000 Who's the governor of Massachusetts now?
01:04:59.000 Weld?
01:04:59.000 Is it Weld?
01:05:01.000 Bill Weld?
01:05:02.000 He's a Republican, right?
01:05:03.000 Yeah.
01:05:04.000 That's unusual, right?
01:05:05.000 We've had a couple of Massachusetts Republicans, like Fuckface, the Mormon.
01:05:11.000 What's his name?
01:05:15.000 Romney?
01:05:15.000 Yeah, Mitt Romney.
01:05:17.000 Fuckface.
01:05:18.000 Charlie Baker, Republican.
01:05:20.000 He's a Republican, too.
01:05:21.000 That's interesting.
01:05:22.000 That is interesting.
01:05:23.000 Well, you were talking about Texas and Austin, and Massachusetts is a Republican state.
01:05:28.000 Boston is a Democratic city, but it's such a big part of the state that it's like what Austin is to Texas, and also like Minneapolis to Minnesota.
01:05:38.000 Yeah, I guess so, huh?
01:05:40.000 Like, where would you think the Republicans are in Massachusetts?
01:05:43.000 Everywhere outside of Boston?
01:05:46.000 Well, I think it's a lot of defense contracts.
01:05:48.000 There's a lot of defense money there.
01:05:50.000 Boston Dynamics, right?
01:05:52.000 Right.
01:05:52.000 I got tricked.
01:05:53.000 They tricked me.
01:05:54.000 They did?
01:05:55.000 I posted a video.
01:05:56.000 It's Boss Town Dynamics.
01:05:58.000 They wrote B-O-S-S-T-O-N Dynamics.
01:06:00.000 It was a video of robots shooting guns.
01:06:04.000 They were kicking the robots and it's hitting these targets perfectly every time.
01:06:07.000 I'm like, oh my god, we're fucked.
01:06:08.000 But the thing is, it's not that far removed from what the Boston Dynamics robots already do.
01:06:14.000 Those fucking robots are already doing backflips.
01:06:16.000 Yeah.
01:06:16.000 They do, like, parkour.
01:06:20.000 They run and jump off things and hang on things.
01:06:23.000 And then this one was a fake video, though.
01:06:25.000 Was it CGI, I think?
01:06:26.000 Yeah.
01:06:27.000 Yeah, those guys, that's what they do on their YouTube channel.
01:06:29.000 How do you trust anything anymore?
01:06:30.000 Jesus Christ.
01:06:31.000 Well, we're pretty close to not being able to trust anything anymore.
01:06:34.000 Yeah.
01:06:35.000 Because with those deep fake generators, where they could take you, like they've already done videos with me, where they have audio of me saying shit that I would say.
01:06:47.000 Like a bunch of shit that I would say, but I never said it.
01:06:50.000 About like chimp armies and all those different things.
01:06:54.000 Yeah.
01:06:54.000 Yeah, there's a whole website dedicated to that.
01:06:57.000 It's just weird, man.
01:06:58.000 Yeah.
01:06:59.000 And it's going to get weirder and weirder with the stuff that they can do with your...
01:07:02.000 You've seen Kyle Dunnigan's fucking page.
01:07:05.000 Yeah, they're crazy.
01:07:06.000 Oh my God.
01:07:07.000 Yeah.
01:07:07.000 Oh my God.
01:07:08.000 And his...
01:07:08.000 The stuff that he does that's my favorite, that's really, really funny, is the stuff that looks fake.
01:07:14.000 It's like he does the face swap shit from the Instagram filters or Snapchat or whatever it is.
01:07:20.000 But he did a bunch of stuff because he was doing a pilot for Comedy Central, and thank God they're too fucking stupid to pick it up because they would have ruined it.
01:07:27.000 Because he was showing me one that they wouldn't do.
01:07:29.000 It was Caitlyn Jenner having sex with Trump.
01:07:32.000 He was showing it to me.
01:07:33.000 I was crying.
01:07:34.000 I was in the green room crying.
01:07:35.000 He goes, yeah, Comedy Central said no to that one.
01:07:37.000 I'm like, what?
01:07:38.000 I was like, what?
01:07:40.000 They're like, no, it was too edgy.
01:07:41.000 They wouldn't get involved in anything trans.
01:07:43.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.
01:07:44.000 Right, right.
01:07:45.000 Like, come on.
01:07:45.000 That's why I was shocked that on the roast that she came out and said the shit that she did.
01:07:50.000 That was like, excuse the pun, but that was ballsy.
01:07:53.000 What did she say?
01:07:54.000 I think she still has her balls.
01:07:56.000 She said...
01:07:56.000 She said she still has her dick, too.
01:07:57.000 Oh, really?
01:07:58.000 Yeah.
01:08:00.000 What did she say?
01:08:01.000 She came out and said...
01:08:03.000 I love that expression.
01:08:04.000 She has her dick.
01:08:05.000 Welcome to 2019. Yeah.
01:08:08.000 But Dunnigan, I did a show with him on Saturday night and he came out on stage and he put a laptop in front of his face and there was a big screen and he was doing the characters for the crowd that he usually does like as Instagram posts.
01:08:21.000 Oh yeah, I've heard he does that.
01:08:22.000 Yeah, it was great.
01:08:23.000 How does he do that?
01:08:25.000 He just has the video plays?
01:08:27.000 I guess the computer is videotaping him and sending it...
01:08:32.000 I know it ran through the house...
01:08:34.000 Through something in the house system.
01:08:36.000 Because it was a fuck-up.
01:08:38.000 It got fucked up.
01:08:39.000 Oh.
01:08:39.000 But it still worked.
01:08:40.000 Because he was...
01:08:43.000 We were doing a gig at the store on a Friday night, and he was supposed to be on right before me, but they were like, actually, let's have Kyle go on after you, because apparently his whole thing needs a big setup.
01:08:57.000 Confirms gender reassignment study.
01:09:00.000 What?
01:09:03.000 She confirms gender reassignment.
01:09:05.000 Hold on, put that back up.
01:09:06.000 It says, Caitlyn Jenner confirms gender reassignment surgery in 2020 interview.
01:09:10.000 Okay, but the problem is, she just did an interview recently, she said she still has it.
01:09:15.000 What is gender reassignment surgery?
01:09:17.000 They fucking wave a wand over you, like they knight you?
01:09:20.000 I hereby announce you have a vagina.
01:09:24.000 I have a vagina?
01:09:25.000 Yes.
01:09:27.000 All right.
01:09:28.000 You now have a vagina.
01:09:30.000 Okay.
01:09:31.000 I mean, look.
01:09:31.000 And they're tapping you on the head with your penis.
01:09:33.000 If you're clearly a man and you could just say you're a woman, why can't you say you have a vagina?
01:09:37.000 We're going to play make-believe.
01:09:38.000 Let's just play make-believe all the way.
01:09:39.000 Yeah.
01:09:40.000 Fuck it.
01:09:41.000 Yeah.
01:09:41.000 Because, look, my friend Zuby, he was a guest on the podcast.
01:09:44.000 He claimed he was a woman for a day and broke the women's world record in deadlift.
01:09:50.000 What did he have to do to qualify as a woman?
01:09:53.000 You don't have to do anything.
01:09:53.000 You just say it.
01:09:55.000 You can identify as a woman.
01:09:56.000 Yeah.
01:09:57.000 Yeah.
01:09:58.000 I mean, who are you to say that he didn't identify as a woman, you fucking transphobic piece of shit?
01:10:04.000 I know, I feel bad now.
01:10:05.000 You should.
01:10:06.000 Jesus Christ, Greg.
01:10:07.000 All the years we've known each other, I can't believe I didn't know that you had this in you.
01:10:12.000 This was my childhood.
01:10:13.000 I think you're canceled.
01:10:14.000 I'm canceled.
01:10:17.000 I wish I was big enough to get canceled.
01:10:19.000 I gotta get a little bit more famous.
01:10:21.000 And then it can happen.
01:10:22.000 Yeah.
01:10:23.000 I'm more like me who?
01:10:27.000 That's a Tony Hinchcliffe joke.
01:10:29.000 That was such a pun.
01:10:33.000 Oh, God.
01:10:34.000 Now, I think...
01:10:35.000 Pull up.
01:10:36.000 I think that Caitlyn Jenner still has his dick.
01:10:38.000 Her dick.
01:10:39.000 Was there a fight with a guy that became a woman and then beat the shit out of a woman?
01:10:45.000 You mean MMA? I don't know if it was boxing or MMA. Yeah, there was an MMA. Yeah, she had a few fights.
01:10:51.000 The problem was, not that she had the fights...
01:10:55.000 I would never advise anybody to fight someone who used to be a man.
01:10:58.000 I would say, ooh, probably got a lot of physical advantages.
01:11:01.000 That's not going to show up in the weight class.
01:11:03.000 Just because you're both 135 pounds, there's a fucking difference.
01:11:06.000 I don't give a shit what anybody says.
01:11:08.000 There's a reason why this woman world champion cyclist is breaking records.
01:11:15.000 These women weightlifters who used to be men are breaking records by giant numbers.
01:11:21.000 I mean, giant numbers in powerlifting.
01:11:24.000 And all they have to do is just say they used to be a man and now I'm a woman.
01:11:27.000 This is it.
01:11:28.000 Oh, she's a woman.
01:11:29.000 You're a piece of shit if you say anything different.
01:11:32.000 But this one was fighting.
01:11:36.000 Her name's Fallon Fox.
01:11:37.000 And she was fighting as a woman, even though she'd been a man for 30 plus years.
01:11:42.000 And in fact, even had kids at A Kid.
01:11:45.000 And then just transitioned.
01:11:46.000 Became a woman.
01:11:47.000 Didn't tell anybody.
01:11:47.000 Said it was a medical issue.
01:11:48.000 It's none of your business.
01:11:49.000 And then beat the fuck out of two women.
01:11:51.000 And like beat them like domestic violence.
01:11:54.000 Like you watch it.
01:11:55.000 You're like, what?
01:11:56.000 Yeah.
01:11:56.000 Then she came out and then it was like this big hubbub.
01:11:59.000 I got caught up in it because I said it was nonsense.
01:12:01.000 I said it was worse than nonsense.
01:12:03.000 I was like, it's bullshit.
01:12:04.000 It's 100% bullshit.
01:12:05.000 And I've never, never been attacked harder.
01:12:09.000 Oh, I shouldn't have brought it up.
01:12:10.000 I didn't realize.
01:12:11.000 No, I don't care.
01:12:11.000 It's fine.
01:12:13.000 Look, that's a hill I'll die on.
01:12:15.000 That's a hill I'll die on.
01:12:16.000 You guys are out of your fucking mind.
01:12:18.000 I think you're out of your mind with track and field.
01:12:20.000 I think you're out of your mind with weightlifting.
01:12:21.000 You're out of your mind with all those things.
01:12:23.000 But if it comes to fighting, fuck you.
01:12:25.000 Fuck you.
01:12:26.000 You think a man and a woman are the same thing, you are out of your goddamn mind if you think all you have to do is get a little bit of surgery, take some hormones, and you're a woman now, and you should be able to fight women.
01:12:37.000 Imagine if that's your daughter, and your daughter is getting pummeled by someone who used to be a man.
01:12:42.000 Fuck you.
01:12:42.000 Fuck you.
01:12:43.000 It's crazy.
01:12:44.000 Yeah.
01:12:44.000 It's crazy.
01:12:45.000 Well, it's unfair to the female athletes, you know?
01:12:48.000 It's women.
01:12:48.000 Real women.
01:12:49.000 Real women are getting fucked over.
01:12:50.000 Yeah, real women are training their whole fucking lives, you know, what they're sacrificing to be the best woman out there, and then to compete against somebody who's got testosterone that just puts them at a whole different level physically.
01:13:02.000 Well, here's the deal.
01:13:03.000 I know it lowers the testosterone, but it's still there.
01:13:06.000 No, it lowers it significantly.
01:13:08.000 But the gains that they've had through growing up through puberty with testosterone and being an XY chromosome, having the bone structure of a man, those are undeniable.
01:13:18.000 And they're undeniable by the world records that these trans women are winning.
01:13:23.000 They're beating men, I mean, they're beating women, biological women, by giant numbers.
01:13:31.000 Someone sent me this.
01:13:32.000 The states that allow people in college and in high school to compete as the gender that they identify with.
01:13:44.000 Without surgery or drugs.
01:13:46.000 You don't even have to.
01:13:47.000 You don't even have to have surgery in a lot of these places.
01:13:49.000 They are dominating.
01:13:52.000 Dominating.
01:13:53.000 It's dominant.
01:13:55.000 Trans people.
01:13:56.000 Trans people are winning these things.
01:13:58.000 Always, always male to female.
01:14:01.000 Never.
01:14:01.000 Female to male.
01:14:02.000 Female to male aren't...
01:14:03.000 It's not like no chicks are saying, I identify as a man, let me get in the NBA, and fucking post it up at 40 against LeBron.
01:14:10.000 It's not happening.
01:14:11.000 It doesn't go down that way.
01:14:13.000 What goes down is men who want to be a woman, become a woman, and then want to compete against biological women.
01:14:20.000 And in every single case, the biological women are getting fucked over.
01:14:24.000 Because if a woman...
01:14:25.000 Say if a woman was 30 years old and she decided at 30 years old she was going to start taking hormones and become a man and compete against men.
01:14:34.000 She'd be fucked.
01:14:35.000 But if a man does that, he's got the benefit of having testosterone in his system for 30 years and then transitioning and becomes a woman.
01:14:45.000 And there's...
01:14:46.000 There's no denying there's a gigantic advantage.
01:14:48.000 If a woman was going to compete, like say if she's going to compete in track and field, and she's 30 years old, but for all of her life, she's been taking steroids.
01:14:57.000 Her whole life, she's been taking just steroids.
01:15:01.000 Get a man jaw and a thick neck and fucking shoulders.
01:15:07.000 And then she gets off of it.
01:15:08.000 Just gets off of it for a couple years.
01:15:10.000 And competes against women.
01:15:11.000 Just throwing them around and ragdolling them.
01:15:13.000 People will be like, she's a cheater!
01:15:14.000 She cheated!
01:15:15.000 She took steroids for 30 years!
01:15:17.000 Just because she's not taking them now doesn't mean she's not a cheater.
01:15:21.000 Well, that's what's happening.
01:15:22.000 But it's worse.
01:15:23.000 Because of the bone structure.
01:15:25.000 And because it's a natural testosterone.
01:15:28.000 You're fucking puberty.
01:15:29.000 You're going through puberty with testosterone.
01:15:32.000 It's crazy.
01:15:33.000 It's fucking crazy.
01:15:35.000 And it's almost even crazier if you didn't go through puberty.
01:15:38.000 So how about if you're a trans person and someone decided when you're five or six years old that you're trans?
01:15:44.000 And so now someone's transitioning you before.
01:15:48.000 Somebody had a great joke about that.
01:15:49.000 You don't let a five-year-old pick their outfit.
01:15:52.000 Why would you let them pick their gender?
01:15:54.000 You can't let a kid say what they are and what they aren't.
01:15:58.000 A giant part of what a kid is is you're so easily influenced by your environment.
01:16:04.000 So easily influenced.
01:16:05.000 It's so easy to convince a kid one way or the other.
01:16:08.000 And you don't know what's happening in their home.
01:16:10.000 And you're asking this child to make a decision about their biology.
01:16:14.000 You're talking about in terms of starting to take drugs.
01:16:16.000 Yeah.
01:16:17.000 I mean, the idea of doing that to a little kid, to me, is fucking bananas.
01:16:22.000 It doesn't make any sense.
01:16:23.000 We're in this weird fantasy world right now where people want to be so progressive and they want to be so open-minded and they don't want to be transphobic.
01:16:31.000 So we're letting people say and do absolutely preposterous things that don't have any logic, that don't make any sense in terms of what we know about biology.
01:16:43.000 It doesn't make any sense.
01:16:44.000 And particularly when it comes to sports.
01:16:47.000 Particularly.
01:16:47.000 When it comes to your life, you're a grown adult.
01:16:50.000 I don't care.
01:16:51.000 I'm happy for you.
01:16:52.000 If you live better as a woman, you feel better as a woman, you're a woman to me.
01:16:56.000 Congratulations.
01:16:57.000 I don't care.
01:16:58.000 But you're competing against men.
01:17:00.000 You can go fuck, or competing as women, rather.
01:17:02.000 You can go fuck yourself.
01:17:03.000 You're not a woman in the sense of you don't have double X chromosome.
01:17:07.000 You didn't grow up as a woman.
01:17:09.000 You're not a biological woman.
01:17:10.000 If you want to be treated as a woman, that's fine.
01:17:12.000 But you can't just decide you're a woman and now you're going to break world records in fucking deadlifts and you're going to run faster than any woman that's ever lived.
01:17:21.000 You're going to beat them in bike races.
01:17:23.000 You're going to break world records as a trans woman.
01:17:26.000 You're crazy.
01:17:27.000 What happens to all these regular women that didn't get the advantage of growing up through puberty with testosterone?
01:17:33.000 They're getting fucked over.
01:17:34.000 That's the reason why we have men and women's divisions in the first place.
01:17:39.000 And there's this weird cop-out that, well, there's always, it's not fair in some sports because there's LeBron James.
01:17:44.000 I hate to use LeBron again.
01:17:46.000 You know, there's Mike Tyson.
01:17:47.000 There's these outliers who are these freak physical specimens.
01:17:51.000 Yeah.
01:17:51.000 Yeah, there are.
01:17:52.000 But they're men versus men.
01:17:54.000 There's freak physical specimens in men.
01:17:56.000 But when you go so far, so far over that, when you take a biological male and they're just breaking world records as a woman, You gotta go, come on.
01:18:07.000 We're entering into this complete nonsense area.
01:18:11.000 Yeah.
01:18:12.000 This is just progressive thinking, this ideology taking to the extreme.
01:18:17.000 Yeah.
01:18:18.000 Yeah, and I mean, I don't know what the answer is because the women, if they do start taking testosterone, then they obviously can't compete against women legally any longer.
01:18:28.000 No.
01:18:28.000 So they're sort of in limbo.
01:18:31.000 I don't know if there needs to be a third category of athletics.
01:18:35.000 The trans category, that's the perfect answer.
01:18:38.000 I don't think even if the women take steroids, if it would be fair.
01:18:42.000 I don't even know if that would be fair because they're still not going through puberty.
01:18:48.000 First of all, there's not a lot of data on this.
01:18:52.000 There's not a lot of data in terms of years and years of competition where they've studied athletes that have been trans versus athletes that have been biologically female versus athletes that are biologically male.
01:19:04.000 There's a lot of studying on this.
01:19:06.000 This is people going with the current thinking and the current progressive ideology where they don't want to be criticized.
01:19:14.000 They don't want to be called transphobic.
01:19:16.000 They don't want to have articles written about them or people call them terrible names and talk shit about them.
01:19:22.000 And it's such a small percentage of the population, and it's become an issue that is being identified for political reasons.
01:19:29.000 You know, it's something that is, like, my kid is at college now, and like, every class, you have to say your name, what gender you identify as, and what pronoun you want to be referred to as.
01:19:42.000 Do you know how many fucking people this is affecting?
01:19:45.000 Is there five in the school?
01:19:48.000 If that...
01:19:49.000 If that.
01:19:50.000 I believe the current number of people that are trans in this country is somewhere around 1%.
01:19:56.000 Is that what the number is?
01:19:59.000 Do we even know?
01:20:00.000 Let's find out.
01:20:02.000 I'm fine with all of it up until it comes to sports.
01:20:06.000 If you want to identify with they, them, you want to be a they person, I might fuck up occasionally because it's odd.
01:20:12.000 I might make mistakes.
01:20:14.000 If you want to be called Caitlyn, okay.
01:20:16.000 Hi, Caitlyn.
01:20:17.000 I don't care.
01:20:18.000 I don't care.
01:20:18.000 But with sports, you can fuck all the way off.
01:20:22.000 0.6%.
01:20:23.000 Okay.
01:20:25.000 That's hilarious.
01:20:26.000 It's not even one.
01:20:29.000 Basically half of a percent.
01:20:31.000 Okay.
01:20:32.000 And Elizabeth Warren, she's getting shit because she was supporting trans prisoners having the right to have corrective surgery in jail.
01:20:46.000 And of course people had a field day with like the amount of money that that would cost.
01:20:50.000 And it's like, she should just say pass.
01:20:53.000 What's your opinion on that, Elizabeth?
01:20:56.000 Let me talk about the economy.
01:20:58.000 Let me talk about health care.
01:20:59.000 Yeah, that's not a good one.
01:21:00.000 But that's one that I guarantee if you sat down and talked to her about it.
01:21:05.000 This is an ideologically based opinion.
01:21:09.000 She's probably looked at her demographic, which is progressive, left-wing.
01:21:13.000 She's a woman.
01:21:14.000 She's running for president.
01:21:16.000 And a big part of her being candidate is the fact that we would like to have a woman president, particularly people on the left.
01:21:22.000 They fucked up with Hillary Clinton.
01:21:25.000 It didn't go well.
01:21:25.000 Maybe Elizabeth Warren's our gal.
01:21:27.000 She seems to talk well.
01:21:29.000 She's strong.
01:21:32.000 Experienced.
01:21:32.000 Yeah, maybe she's the one.
01:21:33.000 Maybe she's the one.
01:21:34.000 Well, she's got to support that because you want the whole Democratic Party.
01:21:38.000 Otherwise, someone will fucking snatch up those people in an independent category, a green category.
01:21:43.000 Yeah.
01:21:43.000 Like, fuck it, I'm voting for Jill Stein because she's a piece of shit, or Elizabeth Warren's a piece of shit, and she doesn't address trans rights.
01:21:51.000 Yeah.
01:21:52.000 There was a lot of third-party voters in the last election.
01:21:54.000 They swung the election.
01:21:56.000 I was one of them.
01:21:57.000 Jill Stein?
01:21:58.000 Gary Johnson.
01:21:59.000 Oh.
01:21:59.000 He did my podcast.
01:22:00.000 Oh, no shit.
01:22:01.000 Yeah, so I said, I'll vote for you.
01:22:02.000 What was his deal?
01:22:04.000 Well, he didn't know anything about it.
01:22:08.000 He was sunk because he didn't know where Aleppo was.
01:22:12.000 Oh, I remember that guy.
01:22:14.000 That sunk him.
01:22:15.000 People were considering him fairly seriously.
01:22:18.000 Maybe I'm serious about Gary Johnson.
01:22:21.000 He seems fairly reasonable.
01:22:22.000 We could use a reasonable guy.
01:22:24.000 And they asked him, what do you think we do about Aleppo?
01:22:27.000 He's like, what?
01:22:27.000 The fuck's Aleppo?
01:22:28.000 Yeah, that's right.
01:22:31.000 It's a city where a lot of bad shit's happening right now, brother.
01:22:36.000 But did Trump know where Aleppo was?
01:22:37.000 He doesn't have to.
01:22:42.000 He doesn't have to.
01:22:44.000 They could say, what are you going to do about Aleppo?
01:22:46.000 He'd probably go, where's Aleppo?
01:22:49.000 Syria.
01:22:49.000 Oh, well, that place is a mess.
01:22:51.000 Yeah.
01:22:52.000 We're done with that.
01:22:52.000 I think we're done with that.
01:22:53.000 I think we canceled them.
01:22:55.000 So Aleppo's in Syria, right?
01:22:56.000 Is that where it is?
01:22:58.000 I think that's what it is.
01:23:00.000 Yeah.
01:23:01.000 It was almost like a trick question.
01:23:03.000 Yeah.
01:23:04.000 You know, because who the fuck...
01:23:06.000 Yeah, he didn't know, but who does?
01:23:08.000 Who did?
01:23:09.000 Like, out of all the people who are like, this fucking idiot doesn't even know where Aleppo is?
01:23:11.000 I didn't know where Aleppo is.
01:23:13.000 Yeah, I didn't either.
01:23:13.000 I didn't know the question either.
01:23:15.000 Yeah.
01:23:15.000 Obviously, I'm not running for president.
01:23:17.000 Well, we're kind of hoping that that person knows the shit we don't know.
01:23:21.000 Or they tell him when he gets in there.
01:23:22.000 But that's the scary thing about Trump is that other leaders will have advisors around them that they trust that tell them stuff.
01:23:31.000 But Trump doesn't seem to read the...
01:23:34.000 He's not interested in that.
01:23:35.000 He's not interested in that.
01:23:36.000 No.
01:23:36.000 They booed the fuck out of him at the UFC. Oh, were you there?
01:23:40.000 Yeah.
01:23:40.000 Oh, because I heard from one camp that they cheered and from another camp that they...
01:23:44.000 His son said they cheered for him.
01:23:46.000 Listen to Daddy.
01:23:47.000 I took my fucking headphones off just to listen.
01:23:49.000 And it was...
01:23:55.000 Really?
01:23:55.000 Yeah, man.
01:23:56.000 18,000 people going...
01:23:58.000 His son said they were chanting USA. Maybe four people behind him were chanting USA. The rest were saying boo-SA. Is that what Donald Jr. said?
01:24:09.000 Yes, Donald Jr. was very upset.
01:24:11.000 You'd probably say that too.
01:24:12.000 Look, they booed the fuck out of him.
01:24:14.000 I'm sure some people clapped.
01:24:16.000 I'm sure.
01:24:17.000 But if you had to bet your money on it, what was the greater percentage?
01:24:22.000 Was it boos or claps?
01:24:23.000 It was fucking boos.
01:24:25.000 Yeah.
01:24:25.000 Dude, I took my headphones off.
01:24:27.000 I was right there.
01:24:28.000 Yeah.
01:24:28.000 I could have hit him with a rock.
01:24:30.000 He was right over there.
01:24:31.000 Yeah.
01:24:32.000 Boo!
01:24:33.000 Wow.
01:24:33.000 Yeah.
01:24:34.000 I'm surprised he showed up after what happened at the World Series.
01:24:36.000 The same fucking thing happened a week before.
01:24:39.000 But maybe he figured because it was DC, it was because it's so liberal in DC. He probably figured because it was at the fights.
01:24:46.000 Yeah.
01:24:46.000 It was at cage fights.
01:24:48.000 Also, he's friends with Dana White.
01:24:50.000 They're good friends, apparently.
01:24:52.000 There's a picture on Dana's Instagram of him and Donald sitting in front of the television watching fights.
01:25:00.000 They're watching the prelims before he went out.
01:25:02.000 Dana watches some of the card in his green room.
01:25:06.000 He listens to the commentary and wants to see.
01:25:10.000 Because there's a lot of moving pieces involved in being the president of the United States and also the president of the UFC. A lot of moving pieces.
01:25:17.000 You don't have a lot of time to sit through the entire pay-per-view while you're there.
01:25:20.000 So Dana sits in the back and he watches a lot of the pay-per-view card on the screen in his office or in his green room.
01:25:28.000 So he was back there with Donald sitting on the couch and he put it on his Instagram just watching some fights.
01:25:33.000 It's just him and Trump sitting there.
01:25:36.000 That's hilarious.
01:25:37.000 Yeah, look at that.
01:25:38.000 Wow.
01:25:40.000 I was watching my friend Corey Anderson.
01:25:43.000 Damn.
01:25:43.000 Knock out Johnny Walker.
01:25:45.000 So look at that, watching fights.
01:25:46.000 Like, what?
01:25:47.000 You think Dana White's been to Fuck Island?
01:25:49.000 Look at this kid, Khabib.
01:25:50.000 Ask him, where did my father's visa send location?
01:25:53.000 Yeah.
01:25:54.000 Yeah, his father can't get a visa.
01:25:56.000 Yeah, ask Donald, bro.
01:25:58.000 Come on.
01:25:59.000 Good for Khabib.
01:26:00.000 Khabib got 46,000 likes on that.
01:26:04.000 Walking to Madison Square Garden last night with Dana White for the big UFC championship fight was a little bit like walking to a Trump rally.
01:26:11.000 Plenty of MAGA and KAG present.
01:26:13.000 What is KAG? Oh.
01:26:16.000 Mm, okay.
01:26:17.000 Okay.
01:26:19.000 Great energy.
01:26:20.000 Fantastic job, Dana.
01:26:21.000 Headed to D.C. and then to Kentucky for the big Matt Bevin rally.
01:26:25.000 Okay.
01:26:26.000 Well, look.
01:26:27.000 For sure, some people cheered.
01:26:29.000 For sure.
01:26:30.000 For sure.
01:26:31.000 For sure, some people waved at him.
01:26:33.000 I saw him wave at people.
01:26:34.000 Look, some people were psyched to see him.
01:26:36.000 Look, if I was in the crowd and I was hammered and he was there, I'd be like, what's up, bro?
01:26:41.000 I'd yell at him.
01:26:42.000 I'd say hi.
01:26:43.000 I'd wave at him.
01:26:43.000 But the reaction, like when he walked in...
01:26:47.000 It's a lot of boos.
01:26:48.000 Yeah.
01:26:48.000 But that's just fucking gonna happen, man.
01:26:51.000 He's a controversial character.
01:26:53.000 Mm-hmm.
01:26:54.000 You know?
01:26:54.000 Like, anywhere he goes, you're gonna get a lot...
01:26:56.000 It's fun to boo.
01:26:57.000 Yeah.
01:26:58.000 It's fun to go, fuck you!
01:27:00.000 It's fun!
01:27:01.000 You're gonna do something when you see somebody...
01:27:03.000 Yes!
01:27:03.000 You're either gonna cheer or you're gonna boo.
01:27:04.000 Yeah, I mean, you got Secret Service all around them.
01:27:07.000 There was a lot of noise, man.
01:27:09.000 A lot of noise.
01:27:10.000 But a lot of it was...
01:27:11.000 Yeah.
01:27:14.000 But it wasn't like, fuck Trump, fuck Trump.
01:27:18.000 There was no chant.
01:27:20.000 This place is where he can't go.
01:27:23.000 If he went to an LBGT rally, I would guarantee that's a place where he can't go.
01:27:29.000 Even if he's pro-LBGT with his policy, that's a place where they're going to pretty universally hate him.
01:27:36.000 Where would you say he can't go?
01:27:39.000 Where wouldn't it be a good move?
01:27:41.000 I think any kind of a woman's movement, like a...
01:27:43.000 Oh, yeah.
01:27:44.000 Me Too marches.
01:27:46.000 Yeah, what if he addressed, like, when they had those women marches, we're all wearing the pussy hats and walking down the street...
01:27:52.000 And they have a little speakers.
01:27:54.000 They set up a stage and he comes out to address them.
01:27:58.000 He starts grabbing everybody's hat.
01:28:00.000 Grabbed another pussy hat.
01:28:04.000 What would possess someone to want that job?
01:28:08.000 I mean, look, if you wanted to have the best case scenario answer, it's like, I want to do a good job and make this country great and do better.
01:28:17.000 But what do you think really is It's ego!
01:28:21.000 I was watching Andrew Yang on some morning talk show on Sunday and he's walking down the street with his wife and it's a Sunday.
01:28:28.000 He's got his fucking kids and I'm like, this is your Sunday?
01:28:31.000 He's got followers with his name on his...
01:28:34.000 Imagine like strangers with Fitzsimmons on a placard walking behind you cheering on a Sunday.
01:28:41.000 I want to be home.
01:28:42.000 I want to watch a fucking football game, play with my kid, make a meal.
01:28:46.000 But these people every day, they're working 16-hour days where they're saying the same shit and they're saying we're winning.
01:28:54.000 They always say we.
01:28:55.000 No, just say I am.
01:28:57.000 Be as fucking selfish as you really are.
01:28:59.000 I'm winning.
01:29:00.000 More people are liking me than those other people.
01:29:05.000 It's a bad job.
01:29:07.000 It's a bad job that no one should have.
01:29:09.000 It's a job that should be a giant roundtable of geniuses should be deciding the fate of the country.
01:29:16.000 And they all should be on mushrooms.
01:29:18.000 They all should be on ego dissolving doses of mushrooms so that none of them are acting in their own self-interest.
01:29:24.000 They all should have zero financial investments in anything that has anything to do with any decisions that they make.
01:29:33.000 They should have to give up all their stocks.
01:29:35.000 They should have to absolutely make sure...
01:29:37.000 Trump is able to have all his businesses be run by his kids, which is kind of hilarious.
01:29:42.000 But then he makes decisions that would benefit his businesses that are being run by his kids, and as soon as he's out of office, he jumps back in and takes over again, which is like...
01:29:50.000 Yeah.
01:29:52.000 What do you think is going to happen when they get his taxes?
01:29:54.000 Because they're pretty close.
01:29:56.000 They're pretty close.
01:29:56.000 It's going to go to the Supreme Court now.
01:29:58.000 The last court said that he has to turn them over.
01:30:02.000 And what they're doing is they're going after his accountant instead of him.
01:30:06.000 That way the accountant will be liable.
01:30:10.000 As opposed to him personally, because he's never going to do it.
01:30:13.000 But if you're fucking, you know, Harvey Altman and company...
01:30:17.000 Yeah, you have to.
01:30:18.000 You've got to do it.
01:30:19.000 You're not going to go to jail for him.
01:30:20.000 Right.
01:30:20.000 You saw what happened with Michael Cohen.
01:30:22.000 Right.
01:30:23.000 Like, you go to jail.
01:30:24.000 Yeah.
01:30:24.000 Yeah.
01:30:25.000 There's no pardons.
01:30:26.000 You're going to jail.
01:30:27.000 A bunch of them went to jail.
01:30:28.000 Yeah.
01:30:28.000 Quite a few people are in jail.
01:30:29.000 Manafort.
01:30:30.000 Jail.
01:30:30.000 Manafort.
01:30:31.000 Jail.
01:30:31.000 Real jail.
01:30:32.000 Yep.
01:30:32.000 Like, you can't see anybody.
01:30:35.000 Locked in a cell jail.
01:30:36.000 It's not going to matter.
01:30:37.000 When his taxes come out, it's not going to matter.
01:30:39.000 None of it matters.
01:30:40.000 He's got his file.
01:30:41.000 The only thing this election comes down to is whether or not the left can get people to show up.
01:30:46.000 Because his 46% or whatever percent are into him, they're fucking there on November 4th next year.
01:30:54.000 They're showing up.
01:30:55.000 You know what's crazy?
01:30:56.000 Chris Rock went on stage right after he won.
01:30:59.000 And Chris Rock said, you don't know that motherfucker.
01:31:02.000 He goes, let me tell you something.
01:31:04.000 He ain't leaving.
01:31:06.000 He goes, he's going to be the president for a long fucking time.
01:31:09.000 He ain't going to leave.
01:31:12.000 And I was thinking, what does that mean?
01:31:15.000 You have to leave.
01:31:16.000 If he loses?
01:31:18.000 Can you imagine if he loses and he doesn't believe he lost?
01:31:23.000 Well, he's already said he won't believe it.
01:31:25.000 He's already said that there's going to be a revolution.
01:31:31.000 He's laying the groundwork for...
01:31:36.000 Could be ugly, including the impeachment, which would be even worse than him just not getting elected.
01:31:41.000 If he was impeached, can you imagine what would happen?
01:31:43.000 I don't think he's going to get impeached.
01:31:45.000 Not impeached.
01:31:45.000 He's being impeached.
01:31:47.000 Yeah.
01:31:47.000 If he was convicted.
01:31:48.000 If he's convicted and then removed from office, it would be crazy.
01:31:51.000 Yeah.
01:31:51.000 But I don't think that's going to happen.
01:31:53.000 I think someone explained to me.
01:31:55.000 Was it Kyle Dunnigan?
01:31:56.000 Explain to me how many people.
01:31:58.000 What's that?
01:32:01.000 Kyle Kulinski, sorry Kyle.
01:32:03.000 Kyle Kulinski, who's my favorite online political commentator.
01:32:08.000 Very wise guy.
01:32:09.000 He's a left-wing guy but like...
01:32:12.000 He calls it like he sees it.
01:32:14.000 He's very educated and very aware of all the pitfalls that is plaguing the left and the right.
01:32:23.000 And he said that you would need all these Republicans to vote on it in order for him to actually be impeached.
01:32:29.000 And they're not going to.
01:32:30.000 No.
01:32:31.000 There's like 22 Republican senators that would have to flip.
01:32:34.000 And so far they have zero.
01:32:37.000 They're not going to flip.
01:32:37.000 No, of course they're not.
01:32:38.000 They're more interested in their party.
01:32:40.000 Yeah.
01:33:05.000 It's not just real, it's accepted as being the right thing to do by certain organizations.
01:33:09.000 I mean, they've been caught on camera and hidden camera talking about the ways that you can silence conservative voices.
01:33:20.000 When you look at social media platforms, They're essentially the best way to get ideas out there.
01:33:28.000 It's even better than broadcast news.
01:33:30.000 Because if you put something on Fox or CBS or whatever, how many people are really going to watch it?
01:33:36.000 Is it a thousand?
01:33:37.000 A million?
01:33:38.000 How many people watch it?
01:33:39.000 But if you have a clip that goes viral...
01:33:42.000 That clip on YouTube or Twitter or Facebook, wherever, that could get 30 million people, 40 million people, way fucking more than is ever going to watch you on television.
01:33:54.000 They've kind of accepted that on late night television.
01:33:57.000 Late night television has kind of accepted that what they're looking for is these clips, these moments, these clips that almost act as advertisements for the show.
01:34:05.000 Yeah.
01:34:06.000 You know, where it's James Corden fucking making people sing in his car.
01:34:09.000 That kind of shit.
01:34:10.000 They're trying to get these clips that go viral.
01:34:12.000 Because the show itself, I mean, I don't know how many people are watching.
01:34:15.000 A few hundred thousand at the most, right?
01:34:17.000 It's nothing in comparison to a lot of the...
01:34:20.000 Like, what's that guy's name that's the famous makeup kid?
01:34:24.000 He's a gay fellow?
01:34:26.000 James Charles.
01:34:26.000 James Charles.
01:34:27.000 That guy's videos on makeup get way more fucking views than anything that happens on Fox News, and that's a fact.
01:34:33.000 Anything that happens on MSNBC, and that's a fact.
01:34:37.000 Social media is way more potent than anything else when it comes to getting a message out.
01:34:42.000 And for sure, conservatives are being discriminated against on social media, by social media platforms.
01:34:49.000 Well, what's weird about it is that when you think about social media and coming out of Silicon Valley, which is famously left-wing, the election was really swung by the internet in Trump's favor.
01:35:01.000 You know, whether or not you want to call them bots that were set up by Russia or whether or not it was just they were a well-organized campaign.
01:35:08.000 They were really smart and very sharp about videos that they put out.
01:35:12.000 Yes.
01:35:16.000 Yes.
01:35:19.000 Yes.
01:35:20.000 Yes.
01:35:33.000 That's censorship.
01:35:34.000 Yes, it is censorship.
01:35:36.000 And even if you're not banning them from those platforms, if you're shadow banning them, if you're making it very difficult for people to find them, which is real.
01:35:44.000 It's a real thing that they do.
01:35:47.000 If you have a post on social media, it doesn't just go up in chronological order anymore.
01:35:54.000 Now it's affected by an algorithm.
01:35:57.000 So I might see your posts or I might not see your posts in my feed.
01:36:02.000 It's dependent upon what I like and what I watch and what I see.
01:36:06.000 When I go to search, like if you look at my search feed, you know what you see?
01:36:10.000 You see people beating the fuck out of each other and girls doing squats.
01:36:13.000 That's like my search.
01:36:16.000 It's all like, it's the most cartoonish version of me possible.
01:36:21.000 It's all like big bull elk screaming and dudes getting head kicked in a muscle car doing a burnout.
01:36:28.000 That's my fucking, that's all, you look at my Instagram search, and that's all affected entirely by this algorithm that figures out what I like.
01:36:36.000 And then also recommends things to me.
01:36:39.000 Like in terms of like, there's a lot of sponsored things on Instagram.
01:36:42.000 Like, ooh, I could use that.
01:36:43.000 Is that good?
01:36:44.000 I don't have to Google it.
01:36:45.000 Is that a fucking thing?
01:36:45.000 And it's because it's targeting me.
01:36:48.000 It's found me.
01:36:49.000 It knows that I search for certain things.
01:36:53.000 I look at certain things.
01:36:54.000 These are the sites that I follow.
01:36:56.000 These are the things that I interact with.
01:36:58.000 So let's sell them something.
01:36:59.000 And it does the same with you.
01:37:01.000 It does the same with Jamie.
01:37:01.000 It does the same with everybody.
01:37:03.000 So they can, in certain social media platforms, use that algorithm to discriminate.
01:37:09.000 So they can decide, hey, this fucking guy keeps chirping on and on about Hillary Clinton's war crimes and all this.
01:37:16.000 We don't need this guy around, okay?
01:37:18.000 We don't need this guy and all of his fucking right-wing bullshit and all his Make America Great Again bullshit.
01:37:24.000 So we'll shadow ban him.
01:37:26.000 And so they can shove you into this category where it's very difficult to find your page.
01:37:32.000 And it's very difficult for your shit to show up.
01:37:35.000 And a lot of people have seen their views drop drastically.
01:37:38.000 Their interactions drop drastically.
01:37:41.000 Because people aren't seeing their shit anymore.
01:37:42.000 Right.
01:37:43.000 Andrew Santino had that happen to him.
01:37:45.000 No shit.
01:37:45.000 He talked to someone.
01:37:47.000 Talked to someone on the phone that told him he was shadow banned.
01:37:52.000 And he's like, what does that mean?
01:37:53.000 They're like, well, it's because of a post that you made.
01:37:55.000 He goes, well, what post is it?
01:37:57.000 They wouldn't tell him what post it was.
01:37:59.000 What kind of post would it have been?
01:38:01.000 Is he political?
01:38:01.000 No!
01:38:02.000 He's like, I'm not political at all.
01:38:04.000 But, you know, he's a comic and he says ridiculous shit.
01:38:07.000 Yeah.
01:38:07.000 And he's a redhead.
01:38:09.000 And so people are probably like, you know, look at this guy.
01:38:12.000 This super white-looking guy who says a bunch of ridiculous shit.
01:38:15.000 Get rid of him!
01:38:16.000 Yeah.
01:38:16.000 Off of his head.
01:38:17.000 Yeah.
01:38:18.000 No, I had this guy, Weirdfella, I think is his handle on Twitter.
01:38:22.000 And he used to say stupid shit.
01:38:24.000 He was goofy, whatever.
01:38:26.000 You know, I would interact with him a little bit.
01:38:28.000 And then he emailed me at my site to say that he got banned from Twitter.
01:38:32.000 Remember on Halloween when a kid showed up at the White House and Trump and Milani were standing there and Trump put candy on top of the kid's head instead of handing it to him?
01:38:44.000 It was kind of...
01:38:45.000 It was like a really ridiculous, like, this guy can't even just put candy in the fucking kid's bag.
01:38:50.000 He's got to put it on his head.
01:38:51.000 So it was like something that became a meme.
01:38:53.000 And this guy just wrote, I wish the kid had kicked him in the shins.
01:38:59.000 Thrown off Twitter for saying that.
01:39:03.000 Hmm.
01:39:04.000 There's a woman named Megan Murphy.
01:39:06.000 She's what's called a TERF. Do you know what a TERF is?
01:39:09.000 Trans-exclusionary radical feminist.
01:39:12.000 And she is one of those radical feminists that don't believe that a trans person is a woman.
01:39:18.000 And she was arguing that these people don't have, they shouldn't have a voice in women's issues.
01:39:25.000 Like, you're not a woman.
01:39:27.000 And so this is her opinion.
01:39:29.000 And some people think that that opinion is transphobic.
01:39:32.000 Some people think she should be allowed to have that opinion.
01:39:34.000 While on Twitter, she wrote, a man is never a woman.
01:39:38.000 They told her she has to take down that tweet.
01:39:41.000 So you know what she did?
01:39:42.000 She made a screenshot of it.
01:39:44.000 She took down that tweet, and then she posted a picture of the screenshot.
01:39:47.000 And then they banned it for life.
01:39:49.000 Wow.
01:39:50.000 You know who's not banned for life?
01:39:53.000 O.J. Simpson.
01:39:54.000 Double homicide.
01:39:55.000 Arm kidnapping.
01:39:57.000 Hey, Twitter world.
01:39:59.000 Hey, Twitter world, it's your friend O.J. with football picks.
01:40:02.000 Hey, Twitter world.
01:40:04.000 He's fine, but this lady who just said with her words, a man is never a woman, which biologically is correct.
01:40:12.000 Banned!
01:40:13.000 Wow.
01:40:14.000 Do you know what else you get banned for?
01:40:15.000 Damn.
01:40:16.000 Do you know what else you get banned for for life?
01:40:18.000 What?
01:40:18.000 Dead naming.
01:40:19.000 Do you know what dead name he is?
01:40:20.000 What's that?
01:40:21.000 If you call Caitlyn Jenner Bruce.
01:40:24.000 Really?
01:40:25.000 Banned for life.
01:40:26.000 No shit.
01:40:27.000 Yes.
01:40:27.000 For life.
01:40:29.000 Damn.
01:40:30.000 Ridiculous.
01:40:31.000 Wow.
01:40:31.000 This is the world we're living in.
01:40:32.000 This is this political ideology world.
01:40:34.000 This is the reason why someone like Elizabeth Warren thinks she has to say taxpayer money should pay for prisoners.
01:40:41.000 Some fucking mass murderer who decides he's a woman now to get this transitionary surgery.
01:40:46.000 Transition surgery.
01:40:47.000 Yeah.
01:40:48.000 Reassignment surgery.
01:40:49.000 Whatever you want to call it.
01:40:50.000 Look, I wish there was a fucking pill that you could take.
01:40:52.000 I wish there was a place where you can go, where they zap you, like the place where they turn Bruce Banner into the Hulk, that turns you into a woman.
01:40:59.000 A legit, 100% bona fide XX chromosome woman.
01:41:03.000 I wish there was.
01:41:04.000 I wish there was.
01:41:05.000 So this is no argument.
01:41:07.000 Yeah.
01:41:07.000 The argument is in changing someone, but not really.
01:41:12.000 You know?
01:41:13.000 Like, you're still your chromosomes and your biological makeup.
01:41:18.000 And then forcing people to comply.
01:41:21.000 So it's a thing of compliance.
01:41:22.000 Like, you're supposed to not bring up the fact that this person used to be a man.
01:41:26.000 Like, if your name is Greg, but, like, my friend Aubrey, okay?
01:41:29.000 Perfect example.
01:41:30.000 His name used to be Chris.
01:41:32.000 But he tripped balls one day and decided he wanted to change his name.
01:41:35.000 So he changed his name.
01:41:36.000 We all just called him Aubrey now.
01:41:37.000 I don't call him Chris anymore.
01:41:38.000 He was Chris for years.
01:41:40.000 I knew him as Chris for years.
01:41:42.000 And then he became Aubrey.
01:41:43.000 I'm like, alright, man.
01:41:44.000 You want to be Aubrey?
01:41:45.000 Now you're Aubrey.
01:41:45.000 I don't give a fuck.
01:41:47.000 But if I called him Chris, would I be dead naming him?
01:41:51.000 Yeah, right.
01:41:52.000 You know what else is weird is that the same mentality that says this says that a white kid who grows dreadlocks and dresses in urban streetwear is culturally appropriating.
01:42:09.000 Yes.
01:42:10.000 Many, many of the people that would think that, yeah.
01:42:12.000 Including, there was a movement that they had, I think most people abandoned it, but it was really ridiculous for a while, where they were yelling at white girls wearing hoop earrings, because they were saying that this is a Latina thing, you're culturally appropriating.
01:42:25.000 I remember that.
01:42:25.000 But it's not.
01:42:28.000 Historically, you've got to go back to ancient Sumerans, where they invented hoop earrings.
01:42:32.000 So are you from Babylon?
01:42:33.000 Are you from Mesopotamia?
01:42:35.000 No?
01:42:36.000 Then shut the fuck up, because you're culturally appropriating.
01:42:38.000 Do you have a Korean phone in your hand?
01:42:41.000 Yeah.
01:42:41.000 Guess what?
01:42:42.000 That's culturally appropriating.
01:42:43.000 Are those Italian jeans?
01:42:45.000 Culturally appropriating.
01:42:47.000 Who made your sneakers?
01:42:48.000 Huh?
01:42:48.000 China?
01:42:49.000 What the fuck are we talking about?
01:42:51.000 Culturally appropriating is one of the dumbest fucking things, because that's what cities are.
01:42:55.000 They're melting pots of awesome cultures, and they all get together.
01:42:59.000 If you're a fucking dude and you want to dress up like Bruce Lee, that doesn't mean you're culturally appropriating.
01:43:05.000 It means you're a Bruce Lee fan, and it's kind of cool.
01:43:07.000 You're admiring that, and so you're...
01:43:10.000 Trying to take it on.
01:43:12.000 It's all woke.
01:43:13.000 It's all woke culture.
01:43:14.000 It's this culture of compliance.
01:43:16.000 They want you to comply.
01:43:18.000 That's what it's about, more than anything.
01:43:20.000 It's getting people to change.
01:43:22.000 Getting people to listen to you and do what you want them to do.
01:43:25.000 I want you to stop wearing those fucking earrings.
01:43:27.000 I want you to stop wearing dreadlocks.
01:43:28.000 Meanwhile, dreadlocks...
01:43:29.000 Romans wore fucking dreadlocks.
01:43:31.000 Dreadlocks are not necessarily a black thing, although most black people...
01:43:35.000 There was more, rather, black people wearing them than white people.
01:43:39.000 But white people have had dreadlocks forever.
01:43:42.000 We've all seen dirty hippies with dreadlocks.
01:43:44.000 Go to a fucking Grateful Dead concert.
01:43:46.000 There's a lot of dirty white people with dreadlocks.
01:43:48.000 They're not trying to culturally appropriate.
01:43:50.000 They're trying to be dirty hippies with dreadlocks.
01:43:52.000 They exist.
01:43:53.000 They're real.
01:43:54.000 To say that that's cultural appropriation is fucking crazy.
01:43:58.000 We all appropriate.
01:44:00.000 We all do.
01:44:01.000 We all do.
01:44:02.000 If you are in the United States in 2019, you're a part of the greatest melting pot the world has ever known.
01:44:11.000 And to decide that you can have some of that, but you can't have other parts.
01:44:14.000 Come on, man.
01:44:15.000 Stop.
01:44:15.000 Good luck on Halloween.
01:44:16.000 Jesus Christ.
01:44:17.000 I read this list of things you shouldn't do on Halloween.
01:44:20.000 It was like, don't put a feather in your head.
01:44:24.000 Don't even tattoo.
01:44:25.000 Don't put a tattoo of something that would identify you as Native American or Asian.
01:44:32.000 Yeah, don't have Asian letters tattooed.
01:44:34.000 That was a thing that people used to do.
01:44:36.000 Oh, is that a thing you shouldn't do now?
01:44:38.000 Yeah, you can't do that anymore.
01:44:39.000 I never was a fan of that to begin with.
01:44:40.000 Obama wrote—yeah, he didn't write—he gave a speech.
01:44:43.000 Oh, I saw that!
01:44:44.000 That was excellent.
01:44:45.000 It was great.
01:44:45.000 Yeah, it was excellent.
01:44:47.000 He's telling people, like, we're looking to cancel people all the time.
01:44:51.000 And this is a perfect quote that he said, the world is messy, and it is messy.
01:44:55.000 Here's the—we've got to stop looking for things that make you angry.
01:45:00.000 And just try, try to let things go and just be nice to each other.
01:45:05.000 It's not that hard.
01:45:07.000 And dialogue.
01:45:08.000 These people want to just talk and have you listen.
01:45:11.000 Like, I saw a woman coming out of a fucking restaurant the other day, and I was walking in, and a t-shirt said, I don't want to hear, or men stop talking.
01:45:23.000 I don't want to hear from men.
01:45:24.000 And it was like, I'm sorry, did I do something to you?
01:45:29.000 Have I not raised a beautiful daughter and been a loving husband and a great son to my mother?
01:45:35.000 And a great friend to a lot of women.
01:45:37.000 And mentored many female comics that I bring on the road with me and hired when I was a head writer on TV shows that I've hired.
01:45:44.000 And it's like, don't fucking put me in that category.
01:45:46.000 How about we talk about it?
01:45:47.000 Do you have an issue with what's going on with you personally?
01:45:53.000 Involving me?
01:45:54.000 Well, let's talk about it.
01:45:55.000 As a human being.
01:45:56.000 Right.
01:45:56.000 As an individual.
01:45:57.000 But that's the thing.
01:45:58.000 They're denying the individual.
01:46:00.000 And they're making everything binary.
01:46:01.000 It's you and them.
01:46:03.000 It's us and them.
01:46:04.000 It's one and zero.
01:46:05.000 It's not...
01:46:06.000 There's no room for nuance.
01:46:08.000 Yeah.
01:46:09.000 There's no room for the complexity that is the human race.
01:46:13.000 Yeah.
01:46:14.000 This idea, like, men should shut the fuck up.
01:46:16.000 I don't want to hear from white men.
01:46:17.000 That's another one.
01:46:17.000 I've seen that shirt.
01:46:19.000 I don't want to hear from white men.
01:46:20.000 Maybe that's what it was.
01:46:20.000 I don't want to hear from white men.
01:46:21.000 Yeah.
01:46:22.000 It's all nonsense.
01:46:23.000 It comes from people that want compliance.
01:46:27.000 The whole thing about woke culture is people that felt like they've been pushed around, they felt like they've been bullied, they felt like they've been maligned, they haven't been treated fairly, and now they want to turn it on you.
01:46:38.000 And they don't give a fuck.
01:46:39.000 They don't give a fuck if you're a white man.
01:46:41.000 I don't give a fuck what your opinion is.
01:46:43.000 Shut your fucking mouth.
01:46:44.000 And they feel like they can say that.
01:46:46.000 Because this culture emboldens people by letting people get away with nonsense, by letting people say things like that.
01:46:52.000 Like if I owned a restaurant and someone walked in with a shirt like that, I'd be like, get the fuck out of here.
01:46:57.000 Just like if you walked into a shirt with a shirt that said black people should shut the fuck up.
01:47:00.000 Get out!
01:47:01.000 Get out!
01:47:02.000 Get out!
01:47:03.000 If you really think that, you have no room for black people talking, I don't want you around.
01:47:08.000 Your mind is rotten.
01:47:10.000 You're thinking a terrible way.
01:47:11.000 Go cleanse yourself.
01:47:13.000 Go take a fucking meditation class or something.
01:47:16.000 Figure out what's wrong with you.
01:47:17.000 But don't bring that toxic energy around people.
01:47:20.000 It's stupid.
01:47:22.000 It's discriminatory.
01:47:23.000 Well, it's half the population.
01:47:24.000 And it's like, I understand that women have been...
01:47:27.000 They've had a different experience than men.
01:47:29.000 Black people have had a different experience than white people.
01:47:32.000 There's issues that need to be addressed and corrected.
01:47:35.000 And enlist me in that.
01:47:36.000 Yes.
01:47:37.000 I'm perfectly willing to...
01:47:39.000 But don't force you...
01:47:40.000 Right.
01:47:41.000 ...to comply.
01:47:42.000 Yeah.
01:47:43.000 You know, there's a giant issue in this country that is, like, skirted.
01:47:50.000 It gets addressed, but then it gets ignored.
01:47:56.000 And that is, what do they do with all the communities that have been forever affected by slavery?
01:48:05.000 Like, what about all those...
01:48:07.000 When people talk about reparations, It gets dismissed.
01:48:13.000 Like, it's not you.
01:48:14.000 I didn't do anything.
01:48:15.000 It's not you.
01:48:15.000 It doesn't have to do with you.
01:48:17.000 You didn't do anything.
01:48:18.000 You never owned a slave.
01:48:19.000 I never owned a slave.
01:48:20.000 We didn't have anything to do with it.
01:48:21.000 But there's no denying that there's parts of this country that are forever affected by slavery and then, afterwards, by racist laws.
01:48:31.000 Those redline laws.
01:48:33.000 Oh, yeah.
01:48:33.000 Reconstruction and Jim Crow.
01:48:35.000 All that.
01:48:36.000 Yeah.
01:48:36.000 Okay.
01:48:37.000 Never really been addressed.
01:48:38.000 Never been addressed in terms of a correction.
01:48:55.000 I would be like, okay, that's all you have to do, but it's not all you have to do, right?
01:48:59.000 Because you're still going to have these communities that are forever affected until something has been done to correct them.
01:49:04.000 Like, I'm not in favor of giving people who were never slaves money as reparations, but I am in favor of giving communities money.
01:49:14.000 We're good to go.
01:49:32.000 If we're a team, or if we're a country, we're supposed to be a team, right?
01:49:36.000 We're a community.
01:49:36.000 A giant community of 320 million people.
01:49:40.000 What's the best way to make it stronger?
01:49:42.000 Well, you have less losers.
01:49:43.000 That's the best way.
01:49:44.000 Well, what's the likelihood of you becoming a loser if you're in an impoverished, drug-riddled, crime, just ravaged area?
01:49:55.000 Well, it's highly likely that you're not going to succeed in that area unless...
01:50:01.000 You are some person of unbelievable character and unbelievable will and fortitude and you're raised by people who did a phenomenal job essentially in a war zone, right?
01:50:12.000 If you live in the south side of Chicago and you look at the murder rate in the south side of Chicago and you compare it to the murder rate in war zones, they're pretty fucking similar, right?
01:50:20.000 So essentially these people are being asked to do their best and come out of this war zone and pull themselves up by their bootstraps.
01:50:29.000 Whereas other people around them are not in a war zone.
01:50:31.000 If we're a community, we're supposed to look at that and go, hey, how the fuck do you stop this thing from being a war zone?
01:50:37.000 How do we stop this?
01:50:38.000 How do we do that with Detroit?
01:50:40.000 How do we do that with Baltimore?
01:50:42.000 How do we do that with all these impoverished areas?
01:50:44.000 That should be addressed.
01:50:46.000 Well, it has to be looked at as our problem, not their problem.
01:50:50.000 We are all living with the ramifications of inequality.
01:50:54.000 It's affecting us on a daily basis, whether it's crime or whether it's our gross national product would be much higher if more people were educated and more people were proud of their work.
01:51:04.000 Yes.
01:51:05.000 And so there has to be pride.
01:51:08.000 Less losers, more pride.
01:51:10.000 More pride.
01:51:10.000 More identifying with progress.
01:51:12.000 And I think if you live in a certain culture in this country, there isn't a pride in succeeding.
01:51:19.000 Right.
01:51:20.000 Because you haven't seen it.
01:51:21.000 Right.
01:51:22.000 More opportunity.
01:51:23.000 And this includes poor white cultures.
01:51:25.000 Like, I have a friend who's from Kentucky, and he tells me about these fucking people that live in these coal mining communities, where the coal mining community, the coal's gone, and the community's shut down, people are hooked on pills, and he's like, you have never seen poverty like this.
01:51:42.000 He's like, you've never seen it.
01:51:43.000 Where like everyone in the community is on pills.
01:51:46.000 Everyone is surviving on like below minimum wage.
01:51:50.000 Everyone's a criminal.
01:51:51.000 Like it's just everyone's poor.
01:51:53.000 It's just horrific.
01:51:54.000 Did you ever see the wild and wonderful whites of West Virginia?
01:51:57.000 No.
01:51:57.000 Holy shit.
01:51:59.000 I think it's a Johnny Knoxville documentary.
01:52:01.000 Did he put it together?
01:52:02.000 It's amazing.
01:52:04.000 It's amazing for all the wrong reasons.
01:52:05.000 Because these are the trashiest white trash people that have ever lived.
01:52:09.000 And they're all on pills.
01:52:11.000 They're all turning tricks and doing crazy shit and robbing people and shooting people.
01:52:16.000 Everyone has a fucking story that's like, you're like Macaulay Culkin from Home Alone.
01:52:21.000 Like, what?!
01:52:21.000 You're putting your hands on your ears like, what the fuck?!
01:52:24.000 But those communities exist.
01:52:26.000 They exist.
01:52:27.000 And it's so hard to get out.
01:52:30.000 It's so hard to break free.
01:52:32.000 Like, we as a community, as a giant 320 million person community, should be concentrating on fixing those spots.
01:52:41.000 At least as much as we're concentrating on fixing problems in other parts of the world.
01:52:46.000 I understand the logic behind going to these other parts of the world that are fucked up and trying to solve these problems before they affect us, before they come back to us.
01:52:56.000 That's the logic.
01:52:57.000 I get it.
01:52:58.000 But internally, inside of our country, we're not doing the same thing.
01:53:02.000 We're allowing people to become violent criminals by never giving them a chance, by never giving them an outcome, or never giving them possibilities other than what they see around them.
01:53:12.000 Not giving them any opportunities.
01:53:14.000 And we treat it as if they're supposed to be, we're all supposed to be even.
01:53:18.000 We're all supposed to be on this even game.
01:53:20.000 No.
01:53:21.000 Some people got one shitty card, and some people got like five aces.
01:53:26.000 Yeah, there's this documentary they made about a public school in Chicago.
01:53:32.000 I forget what, Oak Park, I think it was in.
01:53:34.000 It was called America is Me.
01:53:36.000 And it was like this 10-part series, and it showed the experiences of the white kids versus the black kids, because it was an integrated school, but you were seeing that the black kids were lagging grade-wise, graduation rates.
01:53:48.000 And they just went in depth, and you saw that a lot of the black kids were dealing with single parents, they were dealing with being fucking evicted, some of them being homeless, or just not having the resources, like, you know, the white kids are getting SAT prep classes.
01:54:03.000 And, you know, they're getting extra help because they've got a parent that's not working that can pick them up from school and drive them to a tutor.
01:54:09.000 And there's just all these things that you're seeing.
01:54:11.000 One side is getting fostered and the other side is struggling.
01:54:14.000 And it's the same fucking school.
01:54:16.000 So it's not as simple as just put good schools in the community, but there's got to be...
01:54:23.000 Mentorship programs.
01:54:24.000 Community outreach programs.
01:54:26.000 Community outreach.
01:54:27.000 They've got to get preschools.
01:54:29.000 They've got to get kids in there at a young age so the parents can work and there's good nutrition.
01:54:34.000 They say that the studies that show preschool, the differences long-term of how people come out of there with those extra two years.
01:55:00.000 It's astronomical.
01:55:02.000 But man, if we're a community, if we are a community of human beings, we've got to help the people that aren't doing good.
01:55:12.000 There's got to be a reason why they're not doing good.
01:55:15.000 It's not that they're inferior.
01:55:17.000 They have inferior choices.
01:55:20.000 They have inferior opportunities.
01:55:21.000 They have an inferior situation.
01:55:23.000 And it's so hard to get the mass of people behind giving their money to some sort of a program that does take steps to fix this.
01:55:37.000 You just don't hear it.
01:55:39.000 Well, you know, they had the jobs for FDR and the New Deal.
01:55:42.000 They were able to start.
01:55:43.000 People want to work.
01:55:44.000 People don't want to get a welfare check.
01:55:47.000 They want to feel good about themselves.
01:55:49.000 And you want to be busy all day.
01:55:51.000 Sometimes I don't work for a month.
01:55:54.000 You know, I'm between writing jobs.
01:55:56.000 Maybe I take some time off from stand-up.
01:55:57.000 I don't feel good about myself.
01:56:00.000 Terrible.
01:56:00.000 I mean, imagine that times year after year and generation after generation.
01:56:05.000 And for you, it's a choice.
01:56:06.000 Like, if you wanted to go on the road anytime.
01:56:08.000 Yeah.
01:56:08.000 But that's not a choice for a lot of people.
01:56:10.000 For a lot of choices, they're just fucked.
01:56:12.000 And you used to have, the funny thing is like the factory jobs, you look back on them and you go, those are like really shitty jobs.
01:56:20.000 You know, I grew up in a factory town and it was like, people were not enjoying it.
01:56:24.000 People were getting fucking drunk and high and just getting through.
01:56:28.000 And now we're looking, we're hearkening back to like that it was like some golden age of great work.
01:56:33.000 Like, no, you know, they were union jobs, which was great, but let's shoot higher.
01:56:39.000 You know, let's, the factory jobs aren't coming back.
01:56:42.000 Right, but the real question is like some people Some people don't have aspirations.
01:57:15.000 We got a job for you.
01:57:16.000 Well, because they're fucked in the head.
01:57:18.000 They've had to deal with their friend getting shot.
01:57:20.000 They have to deal with their mom being on crack.
01:57:22.000 Getting them a job is not enough.
01:57:25.000 I don't know what the answer is.
01:57:26.000 Obviously, we're just two white guys talking shit.
01:57:29.000 We don't have to worry about this.
01:57:31.000 This is not our concern.
01:57:32.000 But if you wanted to, if you wanted to fix, if you were a person, say if Greg Fitzsimmons became president, How do you fix that?
01:57:39.000 How do you even make steps to fix that?
01:57:42.000 Because I haven't heard anyone come up with a plan, maybe there is one that I haven't heard, but a plan where it makes sense, where there's a long-term proposition to try to take these communities that are just habitually engulfed in crime and violence,
01:57:59.000 just consistently, like throughout the 60s and the 70s, and fix it.
01:58:05.000 And turn it around.
01:58:07.000 At least try.
01:58:08.000 Well, the gap between the rich and the poor is growing ever since the 80s.
01:58:13.000 It's gotten just out of hand.
01:58:16.000 The top 1% have 50% of the money or something like that.
01:58:22.000 And everything is set up structurally for that to continue to divide more and more.
01:58:27.000 Right, but are they playing a game?
01:58:28.000 They're playing a game called capitalism.
01:58:30.000 And that game, they're dominating that game.
01:58:33.000 And once they get the money, then they keep the money and they pass that money down to their kids and then they keep the money.
01:58:38.000 How do you change that?
01:58:39.000 I mean, we could all play that game, right?
01:58:42.000 Like, we could all invest in the stock market.
01:58:44.000 We can all just really focus entirely on making money.
01:58:47.000 Or should we not be able to?
01:58:49.000 Like, how do you stop The 1%, like these bankers and investment people, how do you stop that?
01:58:54.000 And how do you stop that in a way where it doesn't seem like you're changing the rules of the game because some people are just psycho good at it and completely dedicated to only making money?
01:59:06.000 Well, you're not changing the rules because the estate tax was there from day one.
01:59:12.000 The Founding Fathers wanted there to be a very large estate tax.
01:59:15.000 Right.
01:59:16.000 To avoid what happened in Europe, which is these building up of these families that are handing down wealth.
01:59:21.000 And so these kids, you know, so I think we need to go back to right now it's like 35% or something like that on wealth over $10 million if you're a couple.
01:59:32.000 They need to go back to really taking that money back because… And doing what with it though?
01:59:37.000 Put it into schools to start with.
01:59:39.000 I would love that if there was a real logic to how that money got spent.
01:59:44.000 That would be the problem.
01:59:46.000 Because if it just went to a bunch of government programs that don't seem to make sense and that are poorly structured and that money gets wasted, that would make me sick.
02:00:00.000 No, I think it has to be job training programs.
02:00:02.000 It has to be helping small businesses grow with low-cost loans.
02:00:07.000 But think about these kids that are inheriting a billion dollars.
02:00:12.000 What are you ever going to contribute to society?
02:00:15.000 As opposed to, if you were set up with, you went to a private high school, you went to a great university, you went to a graduate school, all of it was paid for.
02:00:23.000 You had nannies, you were given tutors.
02:00:26.000 You should be able to go out and make a good living now.
02:00:29.000 Yes.
02:00:29.000 You don't need that billion dollars.
02:00:31.000 Right.
02:00:31.000 And you will feel so much better if you make your own money.
02:00:35.000 Yeah.
02:00:35.000 So there should be enough money left.
02:00:38.000 I'm not saying take away everybody's money when they die, but I'm saying that there's a grotesque amount of money that needs to be pulled back.
02:00:45.000 That's one way of at least putting a chip away at it.
02:00:51.000 That's one way, right?
02:00:52.000 That money?
02:00:53.000 Yeah.
02:00:54.000 What's another way?
02:00:58.000 Unless you want, like, cops or police to occupy these areas.
02:01:03.000 Like, how would you ever stop, like, at this point in time, how would you stop places from being crime-ridden?
02:01:08.000 It would have to be, like, a multi-step program where you would slowly but surely implement it and try to slowly but surely chip away at all these problems.
02:01:19.000 Yeah.
02:01:19.000 It's not something you're going to fix overnight because it didn't happen overnight, you know?
02:01:23.000 Right, right.
02:01:24.000 No, there has to be great leadership, and there has to be...
02:01:27.000 But, man, you've got eight years.
02:01:28.000 You're a president, you've got four, and if you're lucky, you get eight.
02:01:31.000 No, I mean local leadership.
02:01:33.000 You need to, you know, city councilmen and, you know, mayors that are really looking at the community and figuring...
02:01:38.000 And each one's different, you know?
02:01:39.000 But I feel like if it's that way, unless it's federally, if it's that way, like, you're dealing with communities that don't have as much money already.
02:01:48.000 Yeah.
02:01:49.000 You know, because just by virtue of the fact that they're crime-ridden and poverty-stricken, these are communities that already don't have any money.
02:01:56.000 Yeah.
02:01:57.000 Low-tax base.
02:01:58.000 Let's go back to talking about farts.
02:01:59.000 Yes!
02:01:59.000 This bums me out.
02:02:00.000 I get really bummed out when I talk about people that live in poor neighborhoods that don't have a way out.
02:02:07.000 Because that is one thing that really freaks me out.
02:02:11.000 Like, being stuck.
02:02:13.000 Like, the feeling of being stuck.
02:02:14.000 I don't know...
02:02:15.000 I mean, I don't know what it is about that feeling, but it's just...
02:02:19.000 You see people in...
02:02:21.000 I was in Colorado Springs once, and I saw this homeless couple, and they were begging for money, and they had a fucking baby.
02:02:28.000 They had a baby.
02:02:30.000 And it was outside, and it was kind of cold.
02:02:32.000 It was like October.
02:02:34.000 And I'll never forget that.
02:02:36.000 I'm seeing this homeless couple with a baby.
02:02:39.000 And I'm like, fuck.
02:02:41.000 Fuck.
02:02:41.000 We're good to go.
02:02:57.000 And usually one of the parents, or both of them, is mentally ill.
02:03:00.000 I mean, most homelessness is caused by mental illness.
02:03:03.000 You have addiction, which is usually somebody self-medicating to begin with.
02:03:08.000 If you got to that point, you're usually self-medicating something.
02:03:11.000 And it could be a number of things.
02:03:14.000 But, you know, there used to be...
02:03:18.000 You had people that were institutionalized because they needed help.
02:03:24.000 You had mental hospitals.
02:03:25.000 You had places where the lowest in our society, the most vulnerable, were taken care of, and those were closed, and those people are on the street now.
02:03:34.000 That was during the Reagan administration, right?
02:03:36.000 Now, in LA, we now have typhus.
02:03:40.000 Yeah, that's right.
02:03:41.000 They have literally medieval diseases making a comeback.
02:03:45.000 Tuberculosis is back.
02:03:48.000 There's so many homeless people in LA. They think it might be as many as 70,000 people.
02:03:53.000 Every night, 70,000 people.
02:03:54.000 That's what I heard.
02:03:55.000 70,000.
02:03:56.000 And there's not a fucking single plan that makes any sense to deal with that.
02:04:02.000 Yeah.
02:04:03.000 How do they fix that?
02:04:05.000 Well, part of the problem is that, you know, it's just gotten so expensive to live here.
02:04:09.000 You know, the real estate has gone through the roof, and so people that were living on the edge, you know, paycheck to paycheck, all of a sudden, you're fucking, you're out.
02:04:16.000 You stay on as many couches as you can until people say, look, you can't live here anymore.
02:04:21.000 And then you're in your car, and, you know, trying to get, now you gotta get, to get back into housing, you need to come up with a first, last security deposit.
02:04:30.000 Where the fuck are you getting that?
02:04:32.000 Where are you getting that?
02:04:32.000 That's definitely happening in some cases.
02:04:34.000 And a lot of cases it's just drug addicts too, right?
02:04:37.000 People who are addicted to drugs.
02:04:38.000 Yeah.
02:04:39.000 Well, one of the things they're finding is that, like, I work with this group called People Concern in L.A., and they're trying to get people into housing.
02:04:50.000 Transitory housing where they can at least get a shower, get some decent clothes.
02:04:54.000 We can go in a job interview and get started where you don't have to pay that first last security deposit.
02:05:00.000 That's great if you're not mentally ill.
02:05:02.000 Right.
02:05:02.000 You know, if you're mentally ill, all the showers in the world aren't going to fix Robert William Aparovia.
02:05:07.000 Remember that dude?
02:05:08.000 No.
02:05:08.000 You know that guy?
02:05:09.000 He's a guy who comes to the comedy store all the time.
02:05:11.000 Very nice guy.
02:05:13.000 He's a perpetual open miker.
02:05:15.000 Actually kind of funny.
02:05:16.000 He's got some good one-liners, but he's got something wrong.
02:05:19.000 Yeah, and those people need to take medication every day.
02:05:21.000 When you're on the street, you're not getting it.
02:05:23.000 And what they require is that you go to a certain facility every day to get your pills.
02:05:29.000 They won't give you the pills.
02:05:31.000 Right.
02:05:31.000 These people are fucking, they don't know where they're sleeping that night.
02:05:34.000 They can't show up at a certain time at a certain place.
02:05:36.000 Yeah.
02:05:37.000 Fuck.
02:05:37.000 So they need to have, and one of the things they found also is when they give people housing, it used to be contingent on you staying sober.
02:05:44.000 And now they're finding that, no, get them off the street.
02:05:47.000 If they're still using, you try to work with them, you try to get them into counseling, but you don't throw them back out on the street because they're using.
02:05:54.000 God, fixing people, dude.
02:05:56.000 Fixing people.
02:05:57.000 So fucking hard.
02:05:59.000 Look, I did a podcast this weekend with Artie.
02:06:02.000 Artie Lang?
02:06:02.000 Yeah.
02:06:03.000 He's been sober now for nine months.
02:06:05.000 Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
02:06:06.000 He's fucking great.
02:06:08.000 His eyes, they sparkle.
02:06:09.000 He's alive.
02:06:10.000 That's great.
02:06:10.000 He's right there with you.
02:06:11.000 His stories were hilarious.
02:06:13.000 The best storyteller out there.
02:06:14.000 Oh, my God.
02:06:15.000 Dude, it was so fun.
02:06:17.000 Yeah.
02:06:17.000 And I was just thinking, like, you know, I was so happy to see him, so happy to see him sober.
02:06:24.000 Crying, laughing, and thinking, God damn it, I hope he hangs in there.
02:06:27.000 I hope.
02:06:28.000 You know, they were talking about fixing his nose, but the doctor was like, look, he's going to be on pain pills if you fix his nose.
02:06:36.000 They're going to give him medication.
02:06:37.000 It's too soon.
02:06:39.000 He needs at least a year of sobriety before he even thinks about doing that, but even then, you're taking a guy who's a bona fide addict, a self-professed addict, and then you're going to give him drugs?
02:06:50.000 Yeah.
02:06:50.000 Come on.
02:06:51.000 I know, you can't do it.
02:06:52.000 You can't do it.
02:06:53.000 No, and that's got to be some painful surgery.
02:06:55.000 I would imagine you'd have to have something coming after that.
02:06:57.000 Nah, you can take it.
02:06:58.000 You can take it.
02:06:59.000 Yeah?
02:06:59.000 Yeah, yeah, you're alright.
02:07:00.000 I mean, it sucks.
02:07:01.000 I heard meditation can be as effective as any painkiller if you do it right.
02:07:05.000 Maybe.
02:07:06.000 I doubt it.
02:07:07.000 I don't think so.
02:07:08.000 I bet painkillers are way better.
02:07:09.000 Yeah.
02:07:11.000 People aren't addicted to medication or meditation.
02:07:13.000 Right.
02:07:14.000 They're addicted to medication, not meditation.
02:07:16.000 No, I'm happy for...
02:07:17.000 I'm really happy for Artie, and I've seen him, you know...
02:07:20.000 I saw him before he went in, and he was a fucking mess.
02:07:25.000 He was really bad, and he had been doing good.
02:07:28.000 Like, he was on Crashing the two years that I was there, and he would come in, and the guy was always on time, knew his lines, improv'd his face off, was always fucking great.
02:07:37.000 And then you'd hear that he'd gone off again, and you were just like, man, can't you just fucking...
02:07:41.000 You're so much to offer.
02:07:43.000 So smart.
02:07:44.000 So talented.
02:07:45.000 But he's also a wild man.
02:07:47.000 That's one of the reasons why he's so funny.
02:07:48.000 Because he's so impulsive and wild.
02:07:50.000 That's just who Artie is.
02:07:52.000 But god damn, he's alive right now.
02:07:54.000 He's alive and kicking.
02:07:55.000 And his fucking eyes are sparkling.
02:07:57.000 Like you talk to him, he's like, ah!
02:07:59.000 He's right there.
02:08:00.000 He was so funny.
02:08:02.000 God damn, he was funny.
02:08:04.000 It was just so nice to see him and hug him.
02:08:06.000 When someone has gone through hell and back like that, just...
02:08:10.000 Right, right.
02:08:32.000 Yeah, and it's like, it is.
02:08:34.000 It's that wild, they have to find something to replace.
02:08:37.000 I mean, Lenny, I heard Lenny on your show.
02:08:39.000 He was fucking great.
02:08:40.000 I mean, that guy, not that he was ever like a hard addict, but he's been sober for a lot of years, and he found ways to replace it and still be a fucking madman.
02:08:48.000 Yeah.
02:08:48.000 You know, he plays golf like a fucking madman.
02:08:50.000 Funny as ever.
02:08:51.000 Yeah.
02:08:52.000 Funny as ever.
02:08:53.000 Funny as ever.
02:08:53.000 Funnier, I would say.
02:08:54.000 Oh my God, he's so funny on the podcast.
02:08:56.000 Yeah.
02:08:57.000 He's just rapid fire.
02:08:58.000 Yeah.
02:08:58.000 He's in his 60s.
02:08:59.000 Yeah.
02:09:00.000 He's a wild man still.
02:09:02.000 Yeah, I told him to start running.
02:09:04.000 I said, a lot of addicts, they start...
02:09:06.000 He goes, I never got that runner's eye.
02:09:09.000 I ran a little bit.
02:09:10.000 I never got that fucking run as high.
02:09:12.000 I'm like, I think you gotta run a lot.
02:09:14.000 You gotta get in shape, and then you do it a lot, and then you get used to it.
02:09:18.000 Yeah, the high doesn't kick in right away.
02:09:20.000 There's some layers you gotta shed first.
02:09:22.000 But this goes back to what you were talking about earlier, about so many of us are looking for a way to twist our consciousness, to do something to just take you out of whatever the fuck the normal, sober consciousness is.
02:09:37.000 Yeah, what's wrong with the regular sober consciousness?
02:09:39.000 And I mean, I'm saying this as somebody who struggles with it.
02:09:44.000 I feel all the time like reaching for something.
02:09:49.000 Even if it's like, I took CBD pills this morning, just because it changes me a little bit.
02:09:55.000 It fucking evens me out a little bit.
02:09:57.000 You know, I'm on the road, I'll smoke a little pot.
02:10:00.000 Why?
02:10:00.000 Why?
02:10:01.000 I don't know.
02:10:02.000 I just need to be different right now.
02:10:03.000 I need my head to change right now.
02:10:05.000 Well, I think it's the monotony of existential angst, too.
02:10:09.000 It's just like wearing you down.
02:10:11.000 You know, you look in the mirror, you see a few more lines, a few more bags.
02:10:14.000 Your skin is just slowly giving away from your skull.
02:10:19.000 Slowly.
02:10:20.000 Slowly.
02:10:22.000 And we're not going to win this race.
02:10:24.000 No one wins.
02:10:25.000 No one wins this thing.
02:10:26.000 And that just wears you out.
02:10:27.000 Sometimes you just don't want to think about that.
02:10:29.000 You have a couple of drinks, you don't think about it anymore.
02:10:30.000 You're like, fuck!
02:10:32.000 Fucking Donald Trump!
02:10:33.000 Donald!
02:10:34.000 You get hammered.
02:10:36.000 You see the fights.
02:10:37.000 You go to see a game.
02:10:38.000 You go to a concert.
02:10:40.000 You drop acid.
02:10:41.000 You do something.
02:10:42.000 You hit on somebody.
02:10:43.000 You wouldn't have done that.
02:10:44.000 I wouldn't have walked up to that fucking hot chick and told her a joke.
02:10:48.000 No way.
02:10:48.000 A couple of drinks.
02:10:49.000 Yeah.
02:10:50.000 Ladies, let me buy you a drink.
02:10:51.000 Come on.
02:10:52.000 I can remember trying to hook up sober after being drunk for so much of my life and then getting sober and then trying to hit on girls and, like, go to bed with a girl while sober was weird.
02:11:04.000 I was looking at my body like, look at this shitty body.
02:11:07.000 I didn't care about my body when I was drunk.
02:11:09.000 I'd walk to the bathroom naked.
02:11:11.000 Walk back with my dick flopping around.
02:11:13.000 But once you're sober, you're like, this is really odd.
02:11:16.000 I just met this person.
02:11:18.000 I know.
02:11:20.000 Even sex.
02:11:21.000 What is that?
02:11:22.000 You're trying to get some sort of a rush out of that.
02:11:25.000 You're trying to escape.
02:11:26.000 You're trying to both of you together.
02:11:30.000 We're doing something.
02:11:31.000 We're leaving this plane.
02:11:34.000 You're doing something.
02:11:35.000 You're trying to escape.
02:11:38.000 Whatever this fucking monotonous existence is, together.
02:11:43.000 You're seeing her face.
02:11:44.000 A woman that, an hour before, was sitting in a bar, maybe smiling and thinking to herself, oh, does my smile feel fake?
02:11:52.000 Or should I be smiling more?
02:11:54.000 And now all of a sudden, she's screaming.
02:11:56.000 Her eyes are rolled back.
02:11:59.000 She's in another dimension.
02:12:01.000 Yeah, both of you are.
02:12:02.000 Yeah.
02:12:03.000 And then afterwards you gotta deal with each other.
02:12:04.000 That is the weirdest thing ever.
02:12:06.000 It's like when you really think you're into someone and then you come and you're like, oh my god, I gotta get out of here.
02:12:13.000 How much of it is chemical?
02:12:14.000 It's such a fucking trick.
02:12:16.000 And women are like, ah, you just did that.
02:12:18.000 You just pretended you liked me so you could have sex with me.
02:12:20.000 No, I thought I did like you.
02:12:23.000 I was tricking myself too.
02:12:25.000 Like, I really believed it.
02:12:27.000 If you, you know, if you say a lot of shit that you don't really mean just to fuck someone, that's a dirty move.
02:12:33.000 But so many guys, and I've talked to so many guys who echo this, you really think you like them until you come.
02:12:42.000 And then you're like, oh.
02:12:43.000 And then whatever was kind of cute before, now is annoying and grating on you.
02:12:50.000 It's probably the same with women.
02:12:51.000 They probably thought they liked you until you fucked them and then you're hanging around talking and farting and they're like, get this guy out of my fucking apartment.
02:12:59.000 Right, right.
02:13:00.000 Ugh.
02:13:01.000 It's biology.
02:13:02.000 Yeah.
02:13:02.000 It's the ultimate trick, right?
02:13:05.000 When you're having sex...
02:13:07.000 With someone, especially if you're really aroused, and they're really hot, and you're really into it, and they're into you, that is a drug.
02:13:13.000 It's definitely a drug.
02:13:15.000 Your oxytocin's through the roof, all your fucking pheromones are flying around, you're smelling each other, and you're aroused.
02:13:22.000 All your sex hormones are fucking...
02:13:27.000 You're blaring, you know?
02:13:29.000 And it's all, it's the number one thing.
02:13:32.000 Oh yeah.
02:13:32.000 That's it.
02:13:33.000 I mean, when you think about it, there's the orgasm and then what's second?
02:13:37.000 What's second in the list of great things that you can experience physically?
02:13:41.000 A runner's high?
02:13:44.000 Um, yeah.
02:13:45.000 You know, without drugs, just that you can naturally experience?
02:13:48.000 It's pretty up, it's pretty up there.
02:13:50.000 Yeah.
02:13:52.000 Yeah, there's not a lot of things.
02:13:54.000 Well, it's also that it's difficult to procure, right?
02:13:58.000 It's difficult to get someone who's really attractive to like you, right?
02:14:02.000 I mean, that's the reason why you and I are funny, right?
02:14:05.000 Let's be honest.
02:14:06.000 Like, why are most men, why do they have a sense of humor?
02:14:09.000 They have a sense of humor because girls like that.
02:14:12.000 It's a big one.
02:14:14.000 You can kind of jump through a lot of hoops.
02:14:16.000 You can skip a lot of steps if you're funny.
02:14:19.000 If you're a guy and you're funny, because you have to be smart to be funny.
02:14:22.000 So girls are like, oh, he knows how to be funny.
02:14:25.000 And if they're not funny, but then you're funny, you can make them laugh.
02:14:29.000 They're like, oh, just bring this fucking comedian with me everywhere.
02:14:31.000 And I always have my own little show.
02:14:33.000 And when she likes you because of that, you're like, oh, she likes me because I'm funny.
02:14:37.000 And then I'll get funnier.
02:14:39.000 Yeah.
02:14:39.000 I'll work at this.
02:14:40.000 Yeah.
02:14:40.000 I'll be good at this.
02:14:41.000 Dude, when I was in sixth grade, me and John Yerzak used to do comedy routines for the girls at lunch.
02:14:46.000 And we had whole fucking routines.
02:14:48.000 Like, you know, like Mark's Brothers stuff and Muppet Show shit.
02:14:52.000 Like, whatever worked.
02:14:54.000 We were up there tap dancing for those girls.
02:14:56.000 And they liked it.
02:14:57.000 Vicki Bettman and Linda Rake.
02:14:58.000 You're so funny, Greg.
02:14:59.000 They loved it!
02:15:00.000 That's so funny!
02:15:01.000 And I remember that feeling back then because I was the skinny little kid with red hair and freckles.
02:15:06.000 No chicks took it.
02:15:07.000 They just cared about the guys that were good at sports.
02:15:09.000 And all of a sudden, like, I'm getting laughs.
02:15:12.000 And I just remember feeling like, this is what I want to do.
02:15:17.000 This is what I need to do.
02:15:19.000 Yeah, you need people to like you.
02:15:21.000 Yeah.
02:15:22.000 So there's that, right?
02:15:24.000 It's like when guys see a car, like a brand new Mercedes in a commercial, and there's a girl with long legs and high heels, and she's leaning against the car.
02:15:32.000 You're like, oh my god, does that girl come with the car?
02:15:33.000 If I get the car, will I get her?
02:15:35.000 I need to get her.
02:15:36.000 It's hard to get one of those.
02:15:37.000 You get a girl with long legs and high heels and beautiful lips, and she's looking at you like she loves you.
02:15:43.000 That's so difficult to find.
02:15:44.000 It's so difficult to get.
02:15:45.000 Most of the time, those girls, they walk right by you.
02:15:48.000 You don't even exist.
02:15:49.000 But look at that.
02:15:50.000 If I get that watch, that watch, there's a girl staring at that watch.
02:15:54.000 She loves that watch.
02:15:55.000 Gotta get that watch.
02:15:56.000 And that's what's used to sell most things.
02:16:00.000 How many things in America, in particular, are sold by attractive women?
02:16:08.000 Attractive women in ads, attractive women that we associate, if you get this Lamborghini, attractive women will be more drawn to you because it's difficult to get a Lamborghini.
02:16:18.000 Right.
02:16:18.000 If this guy can get a Lamborghini, that means he's got $300,000 to throw on a stupid car that's probably going to break down.
02:16:25.000 Yeah.
02:16:26.000 Jon Hamm doing those car ads.
02:16:28.000 Women fucking, they want to get in that car with Jon Hamm.
02:16:31.000 Matthew McConaughey.
02:16:32.000 Look at him.
02:16:33.000 Look at him.
02:16:33.000 Look at that house he lives in.
02:16:34.000 I could be in that house.
02:16:36.000 I just need to, if I meet him, he'll love me.
02:16:39.000 I would put a couch over there, though.
02:16:41.000 There's not enough, there's not enough shrubbery inside the house.
02:16:45.000 Gotta fix it.
02:16:46.000 Kind of a modern painting.
02:16:47.000 It just needs a woman's touch.
02:16:49.000 Then he has sex with you and he's like, I gotta go.
02:16:52.000 But I thought...
02:16:53.000 But it's your house.
02:16:54.000 We have forever.
02:16:55.000 Yeah.
02:16:56.000 Ugh.
02:16:56.000 The ultimate biological trick.
02:16:59.000 If they've ever...
02:17:00.000 That's what's going to be really weird.
02:17:02.000 Like, if you look at aliens, right?
02:17:04.000 What's the iconic alien?
02:17:06.000 They have the big heads.
02:17:07.000 They have these little boy-like bodies.
02:17:10.000 Long fingers.
02:17:11.000 No dicks.
02:17:12.000 Yeah.
02:17:12.000 There's nothing there.
02:17:13.000 Right.
02:17:14.000 Because that's probably what happens in the future.
02:17:16.000 Yeah.
02:17:16.000 In the future, we all figure out...
02:17:19.000 We are being tricked left and right by our dicks and our vaginas and our sex hormones are talking us into nonsense where we could just be enlightened and we could travel the galaxy together.
02:17:30.000 But we've got to get past all this sex stuff, this biological sex stuff.
02:17:34.000 And you can have an orgasm in your own brain here with this new phone, iPhone 72. Yeah.
02:17:40.000 And just press the button and get that out of your system.
02:17:43.000 Good.
02:17:43.000 Now we don't need sex anymore.
02:17:45.000 Yeah.
02:17:45.000 And we don't need our mouths either.
02:17:47.000 We need to talk with our brains.
02:17:48.000 Just a big giant head with a tiny slit for a mouth.
02:17:52.000 It's like, remember that Woody Allen movie, Sleepers, and they have the orgasmatron?
02:17:56.000 Oh, yeah.
02:17:56.000 And you just pass it around and then you have an orgasm and then you move on.
02:18:00.000 That was it.
02:18:01.000 You think about how much work is involved in trying to get an orgasm.
02:18:07.000 Like how much energy people spend.
02:18:09.000 And then the seduction, right?
02:18:12.000 You meet someone at a bar.
02:18:13.000 Can I buy you a drink?
02:18:14.000 Okay.
02:18:15.000 Okay.
02:18:16.000 Want me to light that cigarette?
02:18:17.000 Can't do that anymore.
02:18:18.000 But that was a thing, right?
02:18:19.000 Like, light the girl's cigarette, buy a drink.
02:18:22.000 Oh, he's so charming.
02:18:24.000 Oh, oh.
02:18:25.000 Thinking, maybe.
02:18:26.000 Dance?
02:18:27.000 A mating dance?
02:18:28.000 Let's dance.
02:18:29.000 Watch me shake my hips, I'm gonna look you in the eye.
02:18:30.000 Does he know how to dance?
02:18:31.000 A guy who doesn't know how to dance probably sucks in bed.
02:18:34.000 Yeah.
02:18:35.000 That guy can fucking dance.
02:18:36.000 Look at him dance.
02:18:37.000 Maybe I'll let him shoot one in me.
02:18:39.000 Okay.
02:18:43.000 It's time to breed.
02:18:44.000 I'm going to breed with a conqueror.
02:18:45.000 A man who could dance, who knows how to light a cigarette.
02:18:48.000 He could kill somebody for me.
02:18:50.000 He's big.
02:18:51.000 He's big, and he knows how to think.
02:18:53.000 He knows how to...
02:18:54.000 We've got to get out of here.
02:18:55.000 Trouble's brewing.
02:18:56.000 He's a protector.
02:18:58.000 Oh, I'm going to get in his nice car.
02:19:00.000 He can drive fast.
02:19:04.000 He lives in the top of the hill.
02:19:06.000 He's got a good spot where we can see the enemies coming from the long way.
02:19:09.000 That's right.
02:19:11.000 Yeah.
02:19:12.000 Fuck.
02:19:13.000 Yeah.
02:19:13.000 So weird.
02:19:15.000 I mean, our business is getting people to like us, right?
02:19:19.000 That's a big part of what our business is.
02:19:21.000 Our business is saying funny shit so people like us.
02:19:23.000 Yeah.
02:19:24.000 And other people do different things.
02:19:25.000 Some girls, they just work on their squats.
02:19:28.000 They just go to the gym a lot so that people like them more.
02:19:31.000 Their ass sticks out more, get more attention.
02:19:33.000 Yeah.
02:19:34.000 Right.
02:19:35.000 Some people are just funny.
02:19:37.000 Some people, they acquire things.
02:19:39.000 Some people acquire power, respect, influence.
02:19:45.000 Yeah, I watched this nature special on the, what are those animals that hang upside down in Australia?
02:19:54.000 Bats?
02:19:55.000 No, they're like furry.
02:19:57.000 They're furry and cute.
02:19:59.000 Wallabies?
02:20:00.000 No, they bounce around.
02:20:01.000 I forget what they're called.
02:20:02.000 Wombats?
02:20:03.000 No, they've got them here too, I think.
02:20:06.000 But anyway, this motherfucker is on one side of the river, and he can hear a mating call from the other side of the river, and he's slow as shit.
02:20:14.000 A sloth?
02:20:15.000 A sloth!
02:20:16.000 A sloth.
02:20:17.000 So this sloth here is the female sloth, and he fucking, and I don't know where they get these cameras from, but they watch this guy go down the tree, across a limb, into the water, can't swim for shit.
02:20:29.000 There's fucking rapids, he makes his way across, I was like...
02:20:33.000 Oh, because he can hear that.
02:20:35.000 Gets across, climbs on it.
02:20:36.000 It takes like two days.
02:20:39.000 And then he finds this other sloth and he climbs on top of her.
02:20:42.000 A couple shakes of the head.
02:20:43.000 Done.
02:20:44.000 Oh, who's this bitch?
02:20:46.000 But now he can think.
02:20:48.000 Now the poor little guy can think.
02:20:50.000 Oh, Jesus.
02:20:50.000 She wants to eat my fruit.
02:20:52.000 Fuck out of here.
02:20:53.000 It's my fruit, bitch.
02:20:57.000 She wants to talk about that star that was shining last night, because that was entertainment back then.
02:21:01.000 But it's an even weirder dance for a girl, because a girl has to figure out whether or not this guy is going to be around, right?
02:21:09.000 She's going to let this guy shoot one inside of her.
02:21:12.000 And then what if she gets pregnant, and now this asshole, she has to rely on him?
02:21:17.000 Is he going to be around?
02:21:19.000 He's a sloth.
02:21:21.000 There's going to be a lot of time where she has to dedicate to taking care of this kid.
02:21:26.000 Maybe she can hold down a full-time job.
02:21:29.000 Maybe she can't.
02:21:30.000 But there's a lot of fucking resources that need to be dedicated towards raising these children.
02:21:34.000 Is someone going to help?
02:21:35.000 Am I going to be doing this on my own?
02:21:37.000 Women have to be really fucking careful.
02:21:40.000 Really careful.
02:21:41.000 Imagine if guys got pregnant every time we fucked.
02:21:44.000 Oh my god.
02:21:46.000 I had a joke about that.
02:21:49.000 Abortion would be an app on your phone.
02:21:50.000 Because it would.
02:21:53.000 If we got pregnant, the fuck out of here.
02:21:56.000 Oh, yeah.
02:21:57.000 Yeah, morning after pills would just be on the bedside table every morning.
02:22:01.000 They'd be everywhere.
02:22:02.000 They'd give them to you at hotels.
02:22:03.000 Like, they'd leave mints on the bed.
02:22:05.000 Yeah.
02:22:05.000 Chocolates.
02:22:06.000 Yeah.
02:22:06.000 They'd leave fucking plan B pills.
02:22:08.000 There would be no kids.
02:22:10.000 Zero kids.
02:22:11.000 Yeah, there'd be two of us.
02:22:12.000 Women love children.
02:22:14.000 They're nurturing.
02:22:15.000 They're capable.
02:22:16.000 Yeah.
02:22:16.000 We're like, what?
02:22:18.000 Some women.
02:22:19.000 But some women don't want to get boxed into that either.
02:22:21.000 Yeah.
02:22:21.000 And some guys don't want to.
02:22:23.000 Look, I love being a father.
02:22:25.000 I know you love being a father.
02:22:26.000 But I have friends, like a bunch of them, that have vasectomies.
02:22:29.000 They don't want to have kids.
02:22:30.000 Fuck that.
02:22:31.000 Yeah.
02:22:32.000 Okay.
02:22:33.000 That's okay.
02:22:34.000 It's all okay.
02:22:35.000 There's plenty of people.
02:22:36.000 It's great that you know you don't.
02:22:37.000 Yeah.
02:22:38.000 I mean, I don't even know if you know you don't.
02:22:39.000 Because maybe you think you don't because you haven't had it.
02:22:42.000 I mean, a kid will change the way your fucking brain works.
02:22:46.000 Yeah.
02:22:46.000 And a lot of times for the better.
02:22:48.000 It made me a way nicer person.
02:22:50.000 Way nicer.
02:22:51.000 It made me way more considerate of people's positions, too, because I used to think of people always as being static.
02:22:57.000 Like, oh, this is Greg.
02:22:59.000 He's 52. He's always been 52. This is what he is.
02:23:01.000 I know him.
02:23:02.000 I'm talking to him right now.
02:23:03.000 Now I look at people and I go, oh, Greg used to be a baby.
02:23:07.000 He was a baby.
02:23:08.000 What weird circumstances befell him?
02:23:13.000 What fucking weird pitfalls and traps and weird things entered into his life?
02:23:19.000 What weird people fucked him over?
02:23:21.000 What weird people lied to him, stole from him?
02:23:25.000 How did he get to be this bitter person?
02:23:27.000 I hate to use your name there.
02:23:28.000 I didn't mean you.
02:23:28.000 Yeah, why did I become the bitter guy?
02:23:30.000 You're not!
02:23:31.000 I realize halfway enough that I've created a scenario that's wholly unlike you.
02:23:35.000 But, you know, I think of people now in a different way.
02:23:38.000 I used to think of people, angry people, I used to think of them as, oh, fuck that idiot.
02:23:42.000 But now I go, oh, that fucking guy, he got fucked over.
02:23:45.000 He got fucked over.
02:23:46.000 That's most of them.
02:23:47.000 Most of them got fucked over.
02:23:49.000 And it could have been me.
02:23:50.000 Could have been me easily.
02:23:51.000 Or just have a bad chemical makeup.
02:23:53.000 Some people are just fucking ADHD and you think that they're not caring friends because they don't remember to call you or whatever.
02:23:59.000 It's like, that guy's trying to get his shoelace tied.
02:24:02.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.
02:24:03.000 Or maybe he's OCD and he can't wait to wash his hands again.
02:24:06.000 Or maybe he's got Alzheimer's and he can't remember whether he washed his hands.
02:24:10.000 Most people are trying their best.
02:24:12.000 Yeah.
02:24:13.000 And I think a big part of what's wrong in this world is that we're dealing with a lot of communication that's not face-to-face.
02:24:22.000 A lot of it.
02:24:23.000 A lot of it.
02:24:25.000 Whether it's, you know, he said, she said shit, where, like, you know, you have a problem with this guy, and then another guy tells you he said some shit about you.
02:24:33.000 What did he say?
02:24:34.000 Fuck that guy.
02:24:35.000 He said that?
02:24:35.000 I'll tell you what really happened.
02:24:37.000 Instead of, like, you being alone with that guy, well, what do you think happened?
02:24:42.000 Well, what I think happened is this and that.
02:24:43.000 And you're like, well, that's definitely not what happened because of this.
02:24:46.000 And then he's got to go, oh, I didn't know that.
02:24:48.000 Well, I didn't want to fuck you over.
02:24:52.000 I'm not trying to fuck you over.
02:24:53.000 Well, I thought you were.
02:24:54.000 Okay.
02:24:55.000 Well, now I understand why you were behaving the way you were behaving.
02:24:59.000 We're men here.
02:25:00.000 Let's talk.
02:25:01.000 I don't want any enemies.
02:25:03.000 I want friends.
02:25:04.000 Or let's yell a little bit, too.
02:25:06.000 Let's figure this out.
02:25:07.000 But so much of today...
02:25:10.000 That is excluded from the formula.
02:25:13.000 So much of today is people dealing with emails.
02:25:17.000 I had to put out a fire between two friends in an email recently.
02:25:22.000 One person was upset because they thought some person was doing something shitty to them.
02:25:28.000 I'm like, no, no, no, no, no.
02:25:29.000 That's not what happened.
02:25:31.000 Let me explain.
02:25:33.000 I'll do my best.
02:25:34.000 The whole reason anyone's having this conversation is because you guys weren't talking in front of each other.
02:25:39.000 You know, and then there's this wonder.
02:25:41.000 Like, how's that guy, what is he saying about me when I'm not around?
02:25:45.000 How does he feel about me?
02:25:46.000 Does he feel like he got over on me?
02:25:48.000 Does he feel like he, did he fuck me over?
02:25:50.000 Did he disrespect me?
02:25:52.000 So much of it is like we're not supposed to communicate any other way other than like you and I are doing right now.
02:25:57.000 Look at each other in the eyes.
02:25:59.000 I know you're not full of shit.
02:26:01.000 You know I'm not full of shit.
02:26:02.000 And we get to talk.
02:26:03.000 That's how people are supposed to communicate.
02:26:05.000 And you used to be in a little village where, you know, you just, if you had a problem, you talked to that person.
02:26:09.000 And if you were a shitty person, if you were acting shitty, everybody knew you were shitty.
02:26:14.000 Yes.
02:26:14.000 And you got a little bit ostracized for it.
02:26:16.000 Yes.
02:26:17.000 Yes, definitely.
02:26:18.000 There was correction, and gossip was healthy.
02:26:21.000 A little bit of gossip was good.
02:26:22.000 It was like going, hey, that's Bill.
02:26:24.000 He rapes.
02:26:25.000 Yeah.
02:26:26.000 That's the gossip today.
02:26:27.000 This guy likes to get five pounds of ground beef stuffed up his ass.
02:26:30.000 Right, right.
02:26:31.000 Why?
02:26:31.000 I don't know why.
02:26:32.000 Do you need to fart?
02:26:33.000 Because Johnny over there, he'll give you five bucks if you fucking throw one in his face.
02:26:38.000 He likes it.
02:26:39.000 What?
02:26:40.000 Yeah.
02:26:41.000 He's getting a beat off while you fart.
02:26:42.000 That's it?
02:26:43.000 That's what he likes.
02:26:44.000 He doesn't want you to touch him.
02:26:46.000 Just fart in his face.
02:26:47.000 And then kick him in the balls.
02:26:49.000 You ever watch those videos of guys that like getting kicked in the balls?
02:26:53.000 Yeah, I've seen that.
02:26:53.000 I mean, they really get kicked in the balls.
02:26:55.000 Like, hard.
02:26:56.000 Stomped.
02:26:57.000 You could die from that.
02:26:58.000 Guys get their balls stomped with stilettos.
02:27:01.000 That's a really common thing.
02:27:05.000 They're getting stomped.
02:27:06.000 Guys lose testicles.
02:27:08.000 I know a guy who lost a testicle because he got kicked, and he didn't have a cup on, and he was sparring.
02:27:13.000 He's like, I'll do one more round.
02:27:15.000 So he spars, and he gets slammed in the fucking sack with a shin, and his testicle burst.
02:27:23.000 Burst.
02:27:24.000 And these guys are just letting some chick stomp on him with a stiletto heel.
02:27:28.000 Yeah.
02:27:34.000 I was fucking around with Dave Vada one time when I was in like 10th grade and we were wrestling around and he reached down and grabbed my balls really hard and squoze them like a fucking nut.
02:27:42.000 He was a little bit of a nut.
02:27:43.000 And I remember laying on the ground for like 10 minutes being in like the most severe pain I've ever been in my life.
02:27:51.000 Dude, I thought I was sterile for a long time.
02:27:53.000 Because of getting kicked in the balls?
02:27:54.000 I've been kicked in the balls at least a hundred times.
02:27:58.000 Hard.
02:27:59.000 By black belts.
02:28:01.000 Like, I've been kicked in the balls, dude.
02:28:04.000 Like, many, many, many times.
02:28:06.000 Were they trying to kick you in the balls?
02:28:07.000 No.
02:28:08.000 No, you clash.
02:28:09.000 Like, say if you're throwing a kick with your right leg, and I'm throwing a kick with my right leg, and we throw them at the same time, and we're moving weird, sometimes it just goes right in the sack.
02:28:19.000 Yeah.
02:28:19.000 Sometimes a kick will deflect.
02:28:23.000 Someone will be hitting you and you're trying to hit them in the chest, but inadvertently they catch part of your leg and it redirects it right towards their balls.
02:28:34.000 Cups don't really cover your balls.
02:28:36.000 They do.
02:28:37.000 New ones do.
02:28:39.000 There's a company called Diamond MMA and I wear their cup when I do jiu-jitsu.
02:28:44.000 It's a compression short with all these straps built in and this cup that It's got a more flexible foam rubber on the outside, and then a very hard rubber that covers the outside edge,
02:28:59.000 and a very hard rubber that covers the sack and the dick.
02:29:04.000 And then it fits very snugly to your body, and you can get kicked in the balls pretty hard with those on.
02:29:11.000 Yeah, it's a giant improvement.
02:29:13.000 Yeah.
02:29:14.000 But when I was a kid, we didn't have that.
02:29:15.000 No!
02:29:15.000 We had a cup that slid into a jockstrap and it barely held in place.
02:29:19.000 And one time, I was in a tournament, and I got kicked in the balls so fucking...
02:29:23.000 And I was pretty sure this guy did it on purpose.
02:29:25.000 He was a mean fuck.
02:29:28.000 I was fighting this Korean dude.
02:29:29.000 He was very good and very mean.
02:29:31.000 And I'm pretty sure he kicked me in the balls on purpose.
02:29:34.000 Because I punched him in the face on purpose right afterwards.
02:29:36.000 I was pretty sure.
02:29:37.000 Yeah.
02:29:37.000 But my ball, my cup slammed into my ball.
02:29:42.000 So the cup did worse than protect me, than not protect me.
02:29:47.000 It actually became a weapon against my ball.
02:29:50.000 So the cup slammed into my ball.
02:29:53.000 My ball swole up.
02:29:55.000 It was awful.
02:29:56.000 It was so...
02:29:57.000 What were those cups protecting?
02:29:58.000 Pretty much your shaft, but not your balls.
02:30:00.000 They do protect your balls a little bit under the ideal circumstances.
02:30:04.000 Like something comes at it straight on and it hits the cup.
02:30:07.000 It's way better to hit the cup than it is to hit your balls by themselves.
02:30:11.000 It's definitely better.
02:30:12.000 But...
02:30:13.000 It's like a bicycle helmet.
02:30:15.000 They made Taekwondo cups that we used to wear on the outside that were even better because you'd wear them.
02:30:20.000 You'd have your pants on, your gi pants, and then you would put the cup on over the pants.
02:30:29.000 They were more sturdy, and they would tie on.
02:30:32.000 They would hold them in place.
02:30:33.000 It was a little more material there, so it would cover your junk better.
02:30:38.000 Yeah.
02:30:39.000 But still.
02:30:41.000 Sack.
02:30:41.000 It's just a fucking terrible design.
02:30:43.000 It is a bad design.
02:30:44.000 Balls on the outside.
02:30:45.000 Dangling in midair.
02:30:47.000 Just waiting to be hurt.
02:30:49.000 You ever sit on your ball?
02:30:50.000 Oh, yeah.
02:30:51.000 Yeah.
02:30:51.000 Oh, yeah.
02:30:52.000 You ever cut your dick in a zipper?
02:30:53.000 No.
02:30:54.000 Never?
02:30:55.000 No.
02:30:56.000 Oh, my God.
02:30:56.000 We're underwear.
02:30:57.000 I've gone fucking commando before and caught my dick in a zipper.
02:31:00.000 Yeah.
02:31:01.000 It's like...
02:31:03.000 The crown?
02:31:04.000 No, the shaft.
02:31:06.000 Somewhere in the side of the shaft.
02:31:08.000 I caught it in the zipper.
02:31:09.000 It was bleeding.
02:31:11.000 Ugh.
02:31:12.000 No sex for a while after that?
02:31:14.000 Yeah, because then you have to explain.
02:31:15.000 Yeah.
02:31:16.000 Like, what's on your dick?
02:31:18.000 Fucking caught it in the zipper.
02:31:19.000 You fucking liar!
02:31:21.000 You fucking lie.
02:31:22.000 You're going to give me a disease.
02:31:23.000 You're such a piece of shit.
02:31:27.000 That's why they invented button fly.
02:31:29.000 Yeah, probably, right?
02:31:30.000 I think button fly was first.
02:31:32.000 Was it?
02:31:33.000 Yeah.
02:31:33.000 I think the old Levi's, I think they were all button fly.
02:31:35.000 They hadn't figured out zippers yet.
02:31:37.000 Yeah.
02:31:37.000 Like zippers, like, let's guess.
02:31:40.000 When do you think they invented the zipper?
02:31:42.000 I want to say like the 1800s.
02:31:45.000 Yeah, I thought the original Levi jeans had zippers.
02:31:48.000 Don't think so.
02:31:49.000 No?
02:31:50.000 I think that's why they called them the original button fly.
02:31:53.000 Ah.
02:31:54.000 Right?
02:31:54.000 Like 501s?
02:31:56.000 Yeah.
02:31:56.000 Original 501 jeans?
02:31:57.000 Yeah.
02:31:58.000 Button flies?
02:31:59.000 I remember dry humping.
02:32:00.000 I was a fucking dry humper in junior high school, man.
02:32:03.000 Dry humping machine?
02:32:05.000 Dude, I would go all night.
02:32:07.000 I would get it.
02:32:08.000 I was gifted.
02:32:10.000 And you know, you try to get your cock right in the middle there.
02:32:14.000 Right in the spot.
02:32:14.000 Right in the spot.
02:32:15.000 And then I was perfect.
02:32:17.000 And I remember one time getting a scab.
02:32:19.000 It got so raw, I had a scab on it.
02:32:22.000 Jesus, dude.
02:32:22.000 Yeah.
02:32:23.000 Did you nut from dry humping?
02:32:26.000 A couple times.
02:32:27.000 But I was pretty restrained.
02:32:30.000 If you dry hump, the right way to do it is with silk pajamas.
02:32:36.000 No underwear.
02:32:37.000 Nice.
02:32:39.000 If I could go back in time, I would talk to my old self.
02:32:42.000 Hey, dickhead.
02:32:46.000 Why are you wearing these corduroys?
02:32:54.000 You're showing up at some girl's house.
02:32:55.000 She's in 8th grade.
02:32:57.000 Dad answers the door.
02:32:58.000 Why are you wearing silk pajama pants?
02:33:00.000 I'm just really into silk.
02:33:03.000 Reading a lot about trade with China.
02:33:07.000 Is Irene here?
02:33:09.000 She comes downwards.
02:33:10.000 Are you wearing underwear, you piece of shit?
02:33:12.000 What?
02:33:12.000 Huh?
02:33:13.000 You think I'm stupid?
02:33:14.000 I'm married.
02:33:15.000 I have children.
02:33:16.000 I've had sex, you little fuck.
02:33:18.000 I know what you're doing.
02:33:20.000 You want to dry hump my kid.
02:33:23.000 She comes down and she's wearing silk pajamas.
02:33:25.000 What the fuck is going on here?
02:33:28.000 No way.
02:33:29.000 Get out of here.
02:33:30.000 Dry humping, man.
02:33:31.000 The good old days.
02:33:32.000 Yeah.
02:33:32.000 Remember when you grab a titty?
02:33:33.000 You were so happy.
02:33:34.000 I can't believe I'm holding a tit.
02:33:36.000 Outside the shirt.
02:33:37.000 I was happy.
02:33:38.000 Oh, yeah.
02:33:39.000 Outrageous.
02:33:40.000 Yeah.
02:33:41.000 You were so happy.
02:33:42.000 Like, this is so much better than not holding a tit.
02:33:44.000 Yeah.
02:33:45.000 It's as good as it gets.
02:33:46.000 And then if you were a girl, I felt bad for girls back then because how annoying would it be that somebody's just grabbing- My wife must know what we're talking about.
02:33:55.000 Just call me right now.
02:33:57.000 That you're just grabbing their tit and you can't stop.
02:33:59.000 Like, she's got her bra and you wedged your hand under her bra and you're just grabbing, just squeezing.
02:34:06.000 Yeah.
02:34:07.000 That's not pleasurable for her.
02:34:08.000 No.
02:34:09.000 No.
02:34:10.000 Definitely not.
02:34:12.000 But they did it.
02:34:13.000 Maybe she did like it.
02:34:14.000 Maybe she just liked the fact that she's naughty.
02:34:15.000 Yeah.
02:34:16.000 So naughty.
02:34:18.000 I couldn't fathom that girls were enjoying fooling around for a long time.
02:34:23.000 I really thought that they were just being nice.
02:34:25.000 Dude, I couldn't imagine that girls liked boys.
02:34:28.000 Like, why do you even like me?
02:34:30.000 Yeah.
02:34:30.000 Like, why do you like boys?
02:34:32.000 Boys are so gross.
02:34:33.000 Yeah.
02:34:33.000 You know, I remember being a kid thinking that, man...
02:34:37.000 I'm so happy that girls like boys, but I don't understand it.
02:34:42.000 It doesn't make sense.
02:34:43.000 Why would they like us?
02:34:46.000 We don't have any of the good things that they have.
02:34:49.000 They have tents.
02:34:50.000 They get wet.
02:34:52.000 They're pretty.
02:34:53.000 We're dirty.
02:34:54.000 We're gross.
02:34:55.000 They wear makeup.
02:34:56.000 We don't.
02:34:56.000 We're gross.
02:34:57.000 We're stupid.
02:34:58.000 Yeah, we're dumb as fuck.
02:34:59.000 We are dumber, too.
02:35:01.000 Like, the whole process of men developing and getting testosterone and going through the whole cycle of adulthood, it's just a fact that women mature quicker.
02:35:12.000 They're smarter at an earlier age.
02:35:14.000 So when you're 15, you gotta have a 14-year-old girlfriend.
02:35:17.000 Because if you have a 15-year-old girlfriend, she's like, you fucking idiot.
02:35:22.000 Gotta get someone smarter.
02:35:23.000 Yeah.
02:35:24.000 If I get someone smarter.
02:35:25.000 Like, how many guys who are 18 have a 17-year-old girlfriend?
02:35:29.000 A lot.
02:35:29.000 Yeah.
02:35:30.000 Yeah.
02:35:30.000 But how many guys who are 18 have a 19-year-old girlfriend?
02:35:33.000 19-year-old girls don't want to have anything to do with an 18-year-old moron.
02:35:36.000 No.
02:35:37.000 No.
02:35:37.000 They're smarter already.
02:35:38.000 Yeah.
02:35:39.000 They're looking for a 22-year-old.
02:35:40.000 Yep.
02:35:42.000 No, it's so true.
02:35:43.000 My daughter said that.
02:35:44.000 She's like, I can't.
02:35:46.000 She goes, I can't even talk to guys my age.
02:35:48.000 Yes!
02:35:49.000 She wants a couple of ages.
02:35:50.000 They're smarter.
02:35:51.000 They don't have to go through that whole testosterone thing.
02:35:55.000 All you're thinking about is getting rid of loads.
02:35:58.000 You're barely thinking about anything else.
02:36:00.000 Studying in school.
02:36:03.000 I know.
02:36:04.000 Jesus.
02:36:07.000 Yeah, it was pretty much playing sports and having an orgasm.
02:36:12.000 That was high school.
02:36:13.000 Yes.
02:36:14.000 And as soon as you found out about orgasms, sports took a backseat.
02:36:18.000 A big backseat.
02:36:19.000 I used to do a bit about that.
02:36:21.000 My dad was like, hey, how come you're not playing baseball anymore?
02:36:23.000 Yeah, I found this new thing.
02:36:25.000 And I'm way better at this.
02:36:27.000 I like it more.
02:36:28.000 It's more fun.
02:36:31.000 I always win.
02:36:33.000 Every game.
02:36:34.000 Every time you come, you win.
02:36:35.000 Yay!
02:36:35.000 The crowd cheers.
02:36:37.000 It's like Trump.
02:36:39.000 Make America great again.
02:36:41.000 Yes!
02:36:44.000 See, if you come, you win.
02:36:47.000 You win.
02:36:47.000 As long as the girl's not mad at you.
02:36:49.000 If you come, the girl's like, what the fuck?
02:36:51.000 You're like, oh, shit.
02:36:53.000 Now my good moment is done.
02:36:54.000 Yeah, yeah.
02:36:56.000 It has to be well placed.
02:36:57.000 Dude, it's already 6 p.m.
02:36:58.000 Believe it or not.
02:36:59.000 Jesus Christ, really?
02:37:00.000 Yeah.
02:37:01.000 Let's wrap this bitch up.
02:37:02.000 Greg, tell everybody where you're going to be.
02:37:04.000 Oh, Jesus.
02:37:04.000 With your hilarious stand-up comedy.
02:37:05.000 I'm going to be at the Punchline in San Francisco this weekend.
02:37:08.000 Oh, shit.
02:37:09.000 One of my favorite clubs of all time.
02:37:10.000 It's the best.
02:37:12.000 And then I'm coming up.
02:37:13.000 I'm going to be in Kansas City after that.
02:37:16.000 And then I'm going to be in Denver, Philadelphia, Cincinnati, Atlantic City.
02:37:24.000 Go to Fitzdog.com.
02:37:25.000 Get all your tickets for all those places.
02:37:28.000 Woo!
02:37:29.000 See you tomorrow, folks.
02:37:30.000 Bye, everybody.
02:37:31.000 Much love.