The Joe Rogan Experience - Joe Rogan Experience #1384

00:00:02.000 Well, that one never got repeated in podcast history.

00:00:05.000 Well, we fucked that up.

00:00:06.000 We thought we were recording.

00:00:07.000 We were saying how Bert is the only person we know who's both funny and a great promoter.

00:00:12.000 Like, usually you get one or the other.

00:00:13.000 You get someone who's really funny, but we were talking about Bert's...

00:00:16.000 We thought all this was being recorded.

00:00:18.000 Oh, it would have been so much better if they got that natural thing.

00:00:20.000 The audio is being recorded all the time.

00:00:21.000 Just that video.

00:00:22.000 So I can leave that in the mp3.

00:00:24.000 Everybody can download that beginning.

00:00:25.000 Oh, okay.

00:00:26.000 Give us one of those cartoonists to make the video.

00:00:28.000 Well, for everybody, the audio, we're going to stop now.

00:00:30.000 We're going to double repeat ourselves.

00:00:33.000 So a bunch of people.

00:00:34.000 Bert used to have a show called Hurt Bert.

00:00:37.000 And that one disturbed me the most.

00:00:39.000 I don't remember this one at all.

00:00:40.000 Bert, he would do a bunch of stupid shit and get injured.

00:00:43.000 But he's really getting hurt.

00:00:45.000 He's doing jujitsu with some kid.

00:00:47.000 And some red belt kid who's with Hori and Gracie.

00:00:53.000 When he was that young, he really reminds me of that frat guy that he was.

00:00:58.000 I can't really see it now, but this is him like four years removed from that.

00:01:01.000 This guy keeps armbarring him.

00:01:02.000 He doesn't know what to do here.

00:01:04.000 Kid is 108 pounds.

00:01:05.000 I think part of it, he's also going along with it, enjoying...

00:01:09.000 He's got to take the offensive.

00:01:10.000 Fuck that.

00:01:11.000 Wow.

00:01:11.000 This kid will never see it.

00:01:12.000 He's played duck twice, or possum twice.

00:01:15.000 How about that video that I showed you that Bridget Phetasy showed me?

00:01:18.000 It's a video of this guy who's on a school bus...

00:01:23.000 It starts with a bus driver throwing a little kid off the school bus, screaming at him, and then a bunch of people are like, what the fuck are you doing, man?

00:01:30.000 You can't do that.

00:01:30.000 They chase him back onto the bus.

00:01:31.000 The bus driver gets back on the bus, and then they check the little kid.

00:01:34.000 Does not feel remorseful.

00:01:35.000 Are you okay?

00:01:35.000 And they realize this little kid with a lunchbox and everything is actually a grown midget.

00:01:41.000 And he's pretending that he's a little kid hanging out with these little kids.

00:01:44.000 And the bus driver found it.

00:01:46.000 Dude, the look in everybody's face.

00:01:48.000 When they say, wait, he's not a kid?

00:01:50.000 And they're all like, oh, I was mad.

00:01:51.000 Now I'm confused.

00:01:52.000 So he's got the lunchbox.

00:01:53.000 He throws out his lunchbox and he grabs him.

00:01:56.000 He throws him.

00:01:57.000 Yeah.

00:01:58.000 It's crazy.

00:02:00.000 Because he's got a little kid's backpack.

00:02:02.000 People are ready to beat his ass.

00:02:04.000 Beat the bus driver's ass.

00:02:06.000 They saw him chuck off a little kid.

00:02:08.000 That's a five-year-old's body.

00:02:09.000 Oh!

00:02:10.000 People ready to fuck him up.

00:02:11.000 Should call the cops.

00:02:12.000 Yeah.

00:02:12.000 And then they get to him to see, hey, are you okay?

00:02:16.000 Now watch this.

00:02:17.000 I'm not a kid.

00:02:22.000 That's a grown-ass man.

00:02:24.000 So that dude was pretending to be...

00:02:26.000 Now everybody's confused.

00:02:27.000 Look how confused they all are.

00:02:28.000 Like, I was mad before.

00:02:30.000 I don't know what to think now.

00:02:33.000 That's crazy.

00:02:34.000 They look like they just saw David Blaine.

00:02:36.000 That's crazy.

00:02:37.000 Why did we bring that up?

00:02:39.000 Why were we talking about that?

00:02:40.000 That's a great question.

00:02:41.000 That has nothing to do with Burt, though.

00:02:42.000 Something to do with Burt, but I don't know what that was.

00:02:44.000 What does it have to do with Bert?

00:02:47.000 No, no, no, no.

00:02:49.000 The kid was beating up Bert in jiu-jitsu.

00:02:51.000 I don't remember.

00:02:52.000 Welcome to November!

00:02:54.000 Yeah, this is not sober November.

00:02:57.000 November, November.

00:02:59.000 I definitely don't remember what the fuck we were talking about.

00:03:02.000 Dude, you're on an iPhone now.

00:03:04.000 Tell me what that's been like.

00:03:05.000 Okay, it's been pretty interesting.

00:03:06.000 So I've set myself in October to see if I can fucking do it again.

00:03:10.000 You told me about that app that's on the thing.

00:03:12.000 Mm-hmm.

00:03:13.000 Limits your screen time.

00:03:14.000 Limits your screen time.

00:03:16.000 Yeah.

00:03:16.000 You have that for your kids.

00:03:17.000 Yeah.

00:03:19.000 Yeah, that's what I was looking for like five, six years ago.

00:03:22.000 There was nothing.

00:03:22.000 It would just give you alarms.

00:03:23.000 And you could snooze it.

00:03:25.000 Not good enough.

00:03:25.000 Yeah.

00:03:26.000 Yeah.

00:03:26.000 You know, it's sort of like, remember when we had to do those 15 yoga classes?

00:03:30.000 Uh-huh.

00:03:30.000 You had to do it.

00:03:31.000 So because you had to do it, you just fucking knew you were going to do it.

00:03:35.000 The wishy-washiness was gone.

00:03:38.000 Of what?

00:03:38.000 The wishy-washiness.

00:03:39.000 I don't have to do this.

00:03:40.000 I could back off.

00:03:41.000 I'm kind of tired anyway.

00:03:43.000 Let me take the day off.

00:03:44.000 All that shit was gone.

00:03:45.000 You couldn't do that.

00:03:46.000 Yeah.

00:03:46.000 That's sort of the same thing with that app.

00:03:48.000 Because you could always say, I'm not going to use my phone much.

00:03:50.000 Fuck that.

00:03:51.000 What does that mean?

00:03:52.000 Dude, I'm an observer of the other people on their phones.

00:03:54.000 Everyone who says that is on all the time.

00:03:56.000 Yeah, it's so easy to be on.

00:03:58.000 With me, I found myself just reading Google News stories for no reason.

00:04:03.000 And a lot of them aren't even interesting.

00:04:05.000 It's like, oh, this car sold for this much money.

00:04:09.000 And you're just wasting time.

00:04:11.000 Wasting time.

00:04:12.000 Time you're going to be bored.

00:04:13.000 I'm lying to myself because I'm always thinking that I'm going to, oh, but there's material in this.

00:04:18.000 I'm going to find a story that's really funny.

00:04:20.000 Yeah.

00:04:21.000 But those kind of you find out anyway.

00:04:24.000 Yeah.

00:04:25.000 You know what I'm saying?

00:04:26.000 People, they force...

00:04:27.000 Really good ones, like that guy getting thrown off the bus.

00:04:31.000 That one's going to get to you.

00:04:33.000 The way that the horse thing would have got to you years before the internet.

00:04:36.000 Yes, the horse one got to us.

00:04:37.000 Well, the internet was around, but it was years before social media.

00:04:40.000 What was your joke?

00:04:41.000 I win.

00:04:43.000 You've done that on special, right?

00:04:45.000 No, no.

00:04:46.000 That was never in a special.

00:04:48.000 What?

00:04:48.000 Yeah.

00:04:49.000 Why?

00:04:50.000 Comedy Central said it was too rough.

00:04:52.000 It's pretty rough, but I wouldn't say too.

00:04:55.000 Maybe I can revive it.

00:04:56.000 Oh my god.

00:04:57.000 I should probably revive it.

00:04:58.000 The early days of the internet were like this.

00:05:00.000 Yeah.

00:05:00.000 Well, it was a true story too.

00:05:03.000 I did have a friend of mine that I go back and forth with.

00:05:05.000 He was one of those dudes that just knows everything that's fucked up.

00:05:11.000 He can find all the videos.

00:05:13.000 The Bud Dwyer video.

00:05:14.000 He was one of those guys.

00:05:15.000 And he would send me this video.

00:05:17.000 It's like, batter's up.

00:05:18.000 And I would like, batter up?

00:05:20.000 What the fuck is this?

00:05:20.000 I open up the email and it's that porn star with a baseball bat up her ass.

00:05:24.000 Belladonna?

00:05:25.000 Yes.

00:05:25.000 It was her.

00:05:26.000 And I was like, Jesus Christ.

00:05:29.000 And then, you know, we would go back and forth.

00:05:32.000 I would send him something fucked up, he would send me something fucked up.

00:05:35.000 The baseball bat was surprising.

00:05:37.000 Battered nowhere, batter up!

00:05:39.000 I was like, what is this?

00:05:40.000 I'm like, oh my god, how?

00:05:43.000 How?

00:05:44.000 That poor girl's asshole must be a wreck.

00:05:47.000 Dude, interesting fact about Belladonna, that first storytelling show we ever did at the Improv, 12 people were there, and she was one of them.

00:05:52.000 Oh, wow.

00:05:53.000 She used to go to the comedy store.

00:05:54.000 Yeah, she was cool.

00:05:55.000 Yeah.

00:05:57.000 Yeah, it was crazy.

00:05:58.000 They offered me some gaping porn.

00:06:00.000 They had some DVDs they were giving them away.

00:06:02.000 I'm like, I'm good, man, thanks.

00:06:04.000 The guy's like, why didn't you take it?

00:06:05.000 I was like, hey, man, it's not a disrespectful thing.

00:06:08.000 It's not my thing.

00:06:09.000 I'm not into your art.

00:06:10.000 Also, I'm afraid I'm going to go down this line of her husband.

00:06:15.000 Gaping porn is the weirdest shit ever because people want to look inside people's bodies.

00:06:20.000 You want to look in the hole.

00:06:21.000 They want the hole to be gaping.

00:06:23.000 That's a style of porn.

00:06:25.000 Gaping.

00:06:25.000 And why the drip-out?

00:06:27.000 You ever see the drip-out at the end?

00:06:28.000 Why is this still recording?

00:06:30.000 And they shake the close-up.

00:06:31.000 You know what I'm talking about.

00:06:33.000 They close up vagina and wait for the jizz to come out.

00:06:36.000 I agree with that face.

00:06:40.000 It's not for me.

00:06:41.000 I don't know why it's still on the video.

00:06:42.000 Some people like it.

00:06:43.000 People like weird shit, right?

00:06:44.000 People like feet.

00:06:45.000 They like everything.

00:06:47.000 Someone likes everything.

00:06:48.000 What's really weird is that some things that some people would hate, other people love.

00:06:55.000 Yeah.

00:06:56.000 With food, too, and movies and shit like that.

00:06:58.000 Like an intelligent, well-respected woman, I won't break up her name, was on stage talking about how she likes taking loads in the face.

00:07:06.000 Now, she might have been saying this as a joke, but it might have been true.

00:07:10.000 Some people just like...

00:07:11.000 Love it.

00:07:12.000 Some girls like that, right?

00:07:14.000 That's why it's...

00:07:15.000 Or is it guys like it, and that's why it's a thing?

00:07:17.000 Or girls pretend they like it, so the guys do it.

00:07:19.000 But some girls would be like, fuck that, get that away from me.

00:07:23.000 Other people would love it.

00:07:24.000 That's what's weird about humans.

00:07:25.000 Yeah.

00:07:26.000 Right?

00:07:26.000 There's so many people that are into such weird shit.

00:07:30.000 I spit on a vagina once.

00:07:32.000 Ew.

00:07:32.000 Well, it's whatever.

00:07:33.000 And the girl, she didn't like it.

00:07:35.000 She was like, did you spit on my vagina?

00:07:38.000 Yeah.

00:07:40.000 Sometimes with that accent, it's even worse.

00:07:42.000 She goes, well, I didn't like that.

00:07:43.000 I'm like, all right, well, that won't do it again.

00:07:44.000 Wow.

00:07:45.000 I don't know.

00:07:45.000 And she goes, all right.

00:07:46.000 But a guy would get mad if a girl spit on his dick?

00:07:49.000 I don't think so.

00:07:49.000 No, they might be like, they just shift away.

00:07:52.000 Maybe if you were having a really hard time staying hard anyway, because she's intimidating you, and you're barely hanging in there, and then she spits on your dick, you're like, hey, what the hell?

00:08:04.000 You might lose your boner.

00:08:05.000 What if it's like real...

00:08:05.000 Yeah.

00:08:06.000 A full gagger right away.

00:08:08.000 Yeah.

00:08:09.000 You're kissing and then...

00:08:10.000 Jesus.

00:08:10.000 ...is the next step and you're like...

00:08:12.000 Whoa.

00:08:12.000 Slow down.

00:08:13.000 Slow the fuck down.

00:08:14.000 Was this type of porn inevitable?

00:08:17.000 Or like...

00:08:17.000 Yeah.

00:08:17.000 Like a question.

00:08:18.000 If Larry Flitt never did the Hustler stuff and never went through all the court cases would...

00:08:21.000 It's a human thing, man.

00:08:23.000 It would have happened in a hundred years.

00:08:24.000 Yeah, those Larry Flint guys are important.

00:08:26.000 They help move the needle, for sure.

00:08:28.000 No doubt.

00:08:29.000 I mean, that guy took a bullet for the freedom of expression.

00:08:33.000 Whether you like porn or not, we've all jerked off to it.

00:08:35.000 And if you say you didn't, you're a hypocrite.

00:08:37.000 I mean, no way.

00:08:38.000 Just a liar.

00:08:39.000 Not listening.

00:08:39.000 Where he, like, crossed the line that existed.

00:08:42.000 Yes, he certainly did.

00:08:43.000 But my point is, I think that there was a...

00:08:45.000 They had already done Deep Throat before Hustler, right?

00:08:48.000 It wasn't Deep Throat...

00:08:49.000 When was Deep Throat?

00:08:50.000 Deep Throat was a porn film that people went to see, like a regular film.

00:08:55.000 It was like a movie.

00:08:56.000 Same time, wasn't it also a nickname, like a code name for someone?

00:09:01.000 Yes, but that's post.

00:09:03.000 That's during Watergate.

00:09:05.000 That was one of the insiders in Watergate, and their nickname was Deep Throat, but that was because the movie had already been out.

00:09:12.000 They named one of the Nixon Watergate people after a porno?

00:09:17.000 Deep Throat was the person who was...

00:09:19.000 Were they just having fun?

00:09:20.000 Yeah, yeah, for sure.

00:09:22.000 The fucking...

00:09:22.000 Look, man, those CIA people or whoever the fuck was involved with all that stuff, FBI, a lot of them are bros.

00:09:29.000 Yeah, do you think one guy's like, I caught a drug dealer.

00:09:31.000 They're like intelligent bros.

00:09:32.000 And the next guy's like, oh, really?

00:09:34.000 Because I went to someone who's running for president and I broke into that fucking office, dude!

00:09:38.000 Right, yeah.

00:09:38.000 They're like, what?

00:09:39.000 I'm sure.

00:09:40.000 I'm sure there's something in that.

00:09:41.000 Some of that.

00:09:42.000 There's a lot of, I mean, they're like cops or like military people.

00:09:46.000 You know, they're like, a lot of them are just men, guys, guys, men.

00:09:50.000 They probably watch porn.

00:09:52.000 They probably know who Deep Throat is.

00:09:54.000 You know, if you're working for like one of the biggest police, I mean, it's essentially a police organization.

00:09:59.000 None of them majored in English with a focus on Shakespeare.

00:10:01.000 It's FBI's law enforcement, right?

00:10:04.000 I mean, that's what it is.

00:10:05.000 It's jocks.

00:10:06.000 Yeah, they're bros.

00:10:07.000 A lot of them are bros.

00:10:08.000 Of course they're going to brag.

00:10:08.000 Not disrespecting at all.

00:10:10.000 Deep throat.

00:10:10.000 But that's why they would call it deep throat.

00:10:12.000 Nice nickname, bro.

00:10:13.000 If it's a group of women that are, you know, from University of Massachusetts Amherst.

00:10:19.000 Yeah, they'll call it fucking yarning.

00:10:22.000 They're definitely not going to call it deep throat.

00:10:24.000 Yeah.

00:10:25.000 That would be contributing to the patriarchy.

00:10:27.000 Manic Panic.

00:10:28.000 But that movie was in 72, so when did Hustler start?

00:10:32.000 Hustler was around 75, 76. Are you a aficionado?

00:10:36.000 Do you want to grow a little of this?

00:10:38.000 The first one that I had in my collection was...

00:10:41.000 Kevin Smith, do you remember?

00:10:42.000 Larry Flint started it in Columbus, that first headquarters were in Ohio.

00:10:47.000 That's right.

00:10:48.000 Yeah, man.

00:10:49.000 I had to go to the Hustler office once to review porn.

00:10:53.000 There was an article that they were doing where you review porn.

00:10:57.000 It was so weird.

00:10:59.000 It was like the weirdest thing.

00:11:00.000 I forget is like early in the days of the internet, right?

00:11:05.000 Like more than 20 plus years ago.

00:11:07.000 I mean like trying to figure anything out.

00:11:08.000 Yeah, they were just trying to figure things out and try things out.

00:11:11.000 So you watched the porno over there?

00:11:12.000 I don't remember what it was.

00:11:14.000 I think I was reviewing magazines.

00:11:16.000 I was reviewing porn magazines.

00:11:18.000 I think that was what it was.

00:11:20.000 Or maybe they showed me a little of the porn or they showed me the magazine.

00:11:23.000 I don't remember what it was.

00:11:24.000 Same time.

00:11:25.000 Hustler started the same year Nixon ended in 74. The first deep throat was 72. Yeah, so that's exactly where it came from.

00:11:33.000 Didn't you and Stanhope and Stanhope's mom review boobs or something?

00:11:37.000 Yes.

00:11:38.000 Stanhope's mom reviewed porn on The Man Show.

00:11:40.000 That was it.

00:11:41.000 Yeah, that's what it was.

00:11:42.000 Stanhope's mom would watch porn and give these fucking hilarious reviews of it.

00:11:46.000 It was one of the best things we did.

00:11:48.000 His mom was really funny, too.

00:11:50.000 Really?

00:11:50.000 She's like Hinchcliffe's mom.

00:11:51.000 You seen Hinchcliffe's mom do stand-up?

00:11:52.000 Uh-uh.

00:11:53.000 Dude.

00:11:53.000 She did stand-up?

00:11:54.000 What?

00:11:54.000 Hinchcliffe's mom did stand-up.

00:11:55.000 He wrote the bits for her and she did them.

00:11:57.000 She had cue cards.

00:11:58.000 She did it.

00:11:59.000 It killed Tony.

00:12:00.000 Packed main room and fucking murdered.

00:12:02.000 Oh.

00:12:02.000 I'm telling you, dude, she killed.

00:12:04.000 She got me with a zinger.

00:12:05.000 I forget what it was.

00:12:06.000 It was all shit that Tony wrote.

00:12:08.000 It was funny shit, man.

00:12:10.000 And she did it with authority.

00:12:12.000 She hit the punchlines.

00:12:13.000 He coached her.

00:12:14.000 Really?

00:12:15.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:12:15.000 It was great.

00:12:16.000 It was great.

00:12:17.000 She had never done anything like that before.

00:12:19.000 And here she murdered at her son's show.

00:12:21.000 And he brings her up as his mom.

00:12:23.000 There it is right now.

00:12:24.000 There's his mom.

00:12:26.000 Okay, that's...

00:12:27.000 Yeah, it is.

00:12:27.000 She's amazing.

00:12:28.000 I'm telling you, dude, she fucking murdered it.

00:12:31.000 She's taller than him.

00:12:32.000 Dude, she...

00:12:32.000 How dare you?

00:12:36.000 How dare you?

00:12:37.000 She was really good, man.

00:12:39.000 Wow, that's cool.

00:12:40.000 I wouldn't play any of it because it's their stuff, but people can see it.

00:12:43.000 What's the video?

00:12:44.000 Kill Tony, five-year anniversary, episode 273. So it was Dom Irera who's the best at those things.

00:12:50.000 He's so quick.

00:12:51.000 He's the best.

00:12:52.000 No one's better than Dom at those roast shows, talking shit, or something like Kill Tony where a guy does one minute of terrible comedy and he gets to chime in.

00:13:03.000 He's just the master at dissecting people, ironically.

00:13:07.000 Have you ever seen him do his open mic character?

00:13:09.000 Oh, yeah.

00:13:10.000 Arrow?

00:13:10.000 Is it Arrow?

00:13:11.000 Razor?

00:13:12.000 What is it?

00:13:12.000 I don't know.

00:13:13.000 It's something like that.

00:13:14.000 Oh, he does it so good.

00:13:15.000 He's so nervous.

00:13:16.000 If you interrupt him, he has to back up and start from the scratch, from the beginning, like over and over again.

00:13:21.000 He's so good on Kill Tony.

00:13:23.000 He should be a regular.

00:13:24.000 He really should.

00:13:24.000 He should be on every episode.

00:13:26.000 He should be on every episode and then whoever the guest is on top of it.

00:13:29.000 He's just so good.

00:13:30.000 He's just so good at talking shit to people when they do terrible things and do it in a way where you can't even be mad at them.

00:13:40.000 What were you going to say?

00:13:41.000 Were you watching last night's new episode of Kill Tony?

00:13:43.000 No, I didn't see it.

00:13:44.000 Why?

00:13:44.000 You'll have to watch it when it comes out.

00:13:46.000 Ari was on yesterday.

00:13:48.000 Oh, was it good?

00:13:49.000 Yeah, it was great.

00:13:50.000 He's got a standing ovation, I think.

00:13:51.000 I don't know.

00:13:52.000 Thank you.

00:13:52.000 That's what I do.

00:13:52.000 I get standing O's.

00:13:54.000 Wow, dude.

00:13:55.000 You're an animal.

00:13:56.000 I just came out naked.

00:13:58.000 Oh, you came out naked.

00:13:59.000 Just popped out from behind.

00:14:00.000 How does that work for YouTube?

00:14:01.000 Do they have to blur out your cock and balls?

00:14:03.000 I don't know.

00:14:03.000 It's something they should deal with.

00:14:05.000 I'm just there for the live show.

00:14:06.000 It should be.

00:14:06.000 They should have a little blurry thing that can bounce around your cock.

00:14:12.000 Why doesn't YouTube put that in the tools?

00:14:14.000 Honestly, a setting at this point on the YouTube.

00:14:16.000 If you see a cock, blur it out.

00:14:17.000 Did you see the new release that said something and maybe this is people freaking out for no reason.

00:14:22.000 Maybe it's not.

00:14:23.000 I skipped over it.

00:14:24.000 People are freaking out about some new terms that they have where they can get rid of any channel that they don't think is commercially viable.

00:14:34.000 Is that the quote?

00:14:35.000 They did update their terms of service, but I haven't looked into this.

00:14:39.000 I'm just going off of what I think.

00:14:41.000 I don't know that that's new in the terms.

00:14:44.000 I think that they might have always been able to do that.

00:14:46.000 Facebook can delete your thing.

00:14:48.000 I think Twitter can delete your account.

00:14:49.000 I think that's kind of in all of them.

00:14:50.000 So they always have the ability to tell you to fuck off.

00:14:53.000 You can't delete your own account?

00:14:55.000 But they can delete yours.

00:14:58.000 I mean, come on, dude.

00:14:59.000 They run the fucking world at this point.

00:15:01.000 They run the world.

00:15:01.000 Well, Facebook...

00:15:02.000 They're bigger than the government.

00:15:03.000 Facebook's giant.

00:15:05.000 Yeah, they're multinational.

00:15:06.000 They'll go anywhere.

00:15:07.000 They're bigger than the government.

00:15:08.000 They're giant.

00:15:09.000 You know what freaked me out?

00:15:10.000 I saw Zuckerberg on TV in China.

00:15:14.000 I think he was speaking Mandarin.

00:15:16.000 I was so impressed.

00:15:17.000 I was like, look at this fucking guy.

00:15:19.000 How smart is he?

00:15:21.000 Yeah, he went to the same school AOC went to.

00:15:23.000 I mean, that's beside the point.

00:15:26.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:15:27.000 What's he doing there?

00:15:28.000 A lot of people went to that school.

00:15:29.000 They can't do it.

00:15:30.000 I know.

00:15:30.000 Speaking Mandarin, that's hard.

00:15:33.000 If you're learning that as an adult, holy shit.

00:15:36.000 And he does it on a talk show and people are laughing.

00:15:39.000 It's really funny, man.

00:15:41.000 So he's on this show and the guy's speaking to him.

00:15:43.000 I think it's Mandarin.

00:15:44.000 What?

00:15:45.000 And he understands it?

00:15:46.000 Not only does he understand it, he tells a story to the crowd and they're laughing.

00:15:50.000 So he told a joke.

00:15:52.000 He told a joke in Chinese.

00:15:54.000 Did he know it already?

00:15:54.000 He knew how to talk in Chinese.

00:15:57.000 From college?

00:15:57.000 He learned.

00:15:58.000 No, I think his wife is Chinese.

00:16:00.000 So he learned either with her or because of her.

00:16:04.000 She was Asian in that movie.

00:16:05.000 So I think he's just one of those dudes.

00:16:09.000 He's just a little too smart for his own good.

00:16:12.000 He's running Facebook.

00:16:14.000 They're trying to fucking addict you every chance they get.

00:16:17.000 Of course they are.

00:16:18.000 They definitely are.

00:16:18.000 But it's just the influence that one person can have when you're a kid who starts up a social network.

00:16:26.000 You think you're just going to connect people that want to say hi to their friends from school.

00:16:30.000 Yeah, you start making some cash.

00:16:31.000 And the next thing you know...

00:16:33.000 People are using it to shift democracies.

00:16:36.000 And then people are putting filters in there to try to control the content.

00:16:39.000 And then people are biased against certain political ideologies and more submissive or more permissive of others.

00:16:46.000 And then it becomes really weird.

00:16:48.000 Like, wait, is this a free speech zone?

00:16:49.000 Like, what is this?

00:16:50.000 Is this like you decide?

00:16:52.000 Who are you?

00:16:53.000 Who are these people that get to decide?

00:16:55.000 Are they deciding only for money?

00:16:56.000 Like, how did you engineer this?

00:16:58.000 Wait a minute, you didn't engineer it specifically to create conflict, but it's more monetarily beneficial for you to create conflict, and your algorithm is sort of conflict, it sort of gravitates towards conflict,

00:17:14.000 right?

00:17:14.000 Like, if you engage with things, a lot of people, like, say if it's...

00:17:18.000 If it's a topic that is a very hot...

00:17:20.000 Gets people mad.

00:17:22.000 Abortion.

00:17:22.000 If you engage with abortion threads, your feed will be filled with those things.

00:17:27.000 Oh yeah, it'll occupy them for sure.

00:17:29.000 Keep coming back.

00:17:30.000 Yeah, it's stuff that you engage with.

00:17:33.000 But here's my question.

00:17:34.000 If you're a person that instead engages with only positive stuff, would that make your...

00:17:40.000 I mean, is it just what you're engaging in?

00:17:43.000 Is that what the algorithm is?

00:17:43.000 No, I have the answer.

00:17:44.000 So I did this as a test to myself, whatever, on YouTube to see how much YouTube was influencing me.

00:17:49.000 You know, with that algorithm.

00:17:50.000 You look at fucking one video.

00:17:52.000 Go down a hole, son.

00:17:53.000 Yeah, you go down a hole.

00:17:53.000 Tim Pool kept coming up for fucking, you know, five months after that podcast you did.

00:17:59.000 And then it was like, so I was like, from now on, for a month, I'm only clicking on puppy videos.

00:18:04.000 I'm searching puppy videos.

00:18:06.000 When I see one, like, of yours or of somebody's that I want to see, or music, something that pops up before, I'm like, nope, not touching it.

00:18:12.000 Only searching and clicking on YouTube videos that have puppies.

00:18:15.000 Sometimes they gave me dogs.

00:18:17.000 But it was just more and more of that shit.

00:18:19.000 Soldiers coming home when their dog's greeting them.

00:18:21.000 And then eventually they just started hitting me with only fucking puppy videos.

00:18:25.000 So the algorithm just recognizes what you're interested in.

00:18:28.000 Yeah.

00:18:28.000 So you can't blame people then.

00:18:30.000 No, but sometimes it makes you think this way.

00:18:33.000 It makes you get mad about something.

00:18:34.000 You ever talk to someone who's like woke about something and you want to be like...

00:18:38.000 I don't really believe you.

00:18:40.000 I don't believe you're this mad about this thing.

00:18:42.000 Like, somebody made you this mad.

00:18:44.000 It doesn't quite make sense, you know?

00:18:47.000 And so then it's like, I think they've been influenced to think a certain way by these dumb algorithms.

00:18:51.000 It's kind of fun to be upset about things too.

00:18:54.000 One of the things about being into anything, left-wing or right-wing stuff, is when you get into it, it's fun.

00:19:00.000 Other people are into it, it's fun, too.

00:19:02.000 When you've got action, shit's happening, you're yelling at each other.

00:19:05.000 You're going to that fucking Facebook every day.

00:19:07.000 What the fuck do these assholes have to say about the First Amendment today?

00:19:11.000 Right.

00:19:11.000 You want to get worked up.

00:19:12.000 Yeah.

00:19:13.000 But you proved, at least on YouTube, that if you just gravitate towards positive things, like most of my YouTube feed is like MMA fights and pool matches.

00:19:22.000 I watch a lot of pool, pro pool, and muscle cars.

00:19:27.000 My YouTube feed is pretty much what I look for.

00:19:31.000 I don't look for a lot of shit.

00:19:32.000 I look to YouTube for fun only.

00:19:34.000 I'm not trying to learn anything.

00:19:36.000 Does it still hit you with shit that you're like, oh, what is this about?

00:19:39.000 Yeah, occasionally.

00:19:40.000 They sneak some gossipy stuff in there, some celebrity stuff in there.

00:19:43.000 Weird ones get in that don't seem to make sense.

00:19:46.000 I don't understand why.

00:19:47.000 But I don't use Facebook.

00:19:49.000 That's the most evil one.

00:19:50.000 I use it in the sense that it's connected to my Instagram, but I don't actually use it.

00:19:55.000 I don't get in there.

00:19:56.000 I don't read it.

00:19:58.000 There's a little controversy this week that Instagram's going to take the likes away from viewing.

00:20:02.000 Yeah, I heard about that.

00:20:03.000 It's going to take the likes away from public viewing.

00:20:06.000 You can't see how many likes you got for a post anymore.

00:20:10.000 Can you see how many views?

00:20:12.000 You can see it all, but I can't see how many likes you got.

00:20:15.000 So if you put up a picture and your picture got 40,000 likes, I can never see that.

00:20:20.000 Wow.

00:20:21.000 So they can still make their money off it, but everyone else won't get into a contest.

00:20:26.000 Speculation is that it's going to drive advertising dollars into giving money directly to Instagram instead of people being able to advertise on their own.

00:20:34.000 Oh, those fucks!

00:20:36.000 Those fucks.

00:20:37.000 I don't know if that's really what it is.

00:20:38.000 But if you were an Instagram, right, and you had people making shit tons of money off your platform just by posting things, hey, this is my new butt cream or whatever the fuck you're selling, and they don't even get a piece of that, they gotta be like, hey, what are we doing?

00:20:51.000 We're spending a million dollars a month in fucking bandwidth, probably way more than that, actually.

00:20:56.000 And way more than that.

00:20:58.000 They have videos and shit, too.

00:21:00.000 You could upload videos.

00:21:01.000 It's gotta be millions in bandwidth for every month.

00:21:04.000 And they're not getting none of that?

00:21:07.000 I get it.

00:21:08.000 People go there and they get to mine them.

00:21:10.000 They still get other ads.

00:21:10.000 They still monetize them.

00:21:12.000 But you'll be able to show.

00:21:13.000 If you have a screenshot of your phone.

00:21:18.000 You can do that.

00:21:18.000 I also think that it's going to de-incentivize people to like photos.

00:21:21.000 Exactly, because you don't see you making a difference.

00:21:23.000 Right, right, right.

00:21:24.000 Who's made more money than those butt doctors because of Instagram?

00:21:28.000 If you look at the percentage of uptick in revenue, butt doctors.

00:21:35.000 Guys who just specialize in butt jobs.

00:21:39.000 Instagram made them, they put them on the map.

00:21:41.000 This dude's out there with butt doctor houses.

00:21:43.000 They were going broke.

00:21:44.000 They were having to do pot prescriptions.

00:21:47.000 And now suddenly they're in the money in butts.

00:21:50.000 Those guys are the best.

00:21:51.000 Dude, do you know there's a theory that I think is true that women are just hotter these days because they're always on the verge of being on Instagram.

00:22:00.000 So even to go to the supermarket, they're putting makeup on, they're putting nice clothes on, they're always looking their best because they run into a friend.

00:22:07.000 They might get uploaded.

00:22:08.000 This is a tough time to be frumpy.

00:22:10.000 Yeah.

00:22:11.000 You know, if you're a gal, there's a lot of competition out there, and a lot of these hoes go for it, okay?

00:22:17.000 They go for it.

00:22:18.000 They're pulling their panties aside at 38% of their pictures, you know?

00:22:22.000 I mean, there's a lot of strong competition out there now.

00:22:27.000 They're changing the bar.

00:22:28.000 And this is, by the way, for sure, one of the reasons why prostitution is illegal.

00:22:33.000 Why?

00:22:34.000 One of the reasons why prostitution is illegal, it would completely flip relationships on its head.

00:22:39.000 If guys didn't need to have a relationship to have sex, just sex, and relationships were only love, but you can go, no, get sex from a woman for money, just like you get a handjob, or just like you can get a massage, rather, you can get a handjob.

00:22:52.000 Yeah.

00:22:53.000 How can they massage your head if they can't massage your dick?

00:22:55.000 Yeah.

00:22:56.000 Well, if they could...

00:23:00.000 People would change what they want out of a relationship.

00:23:03.000 It would be different.

00:23:08.000 I'm not saying that all women are like this, but any woman that is sexually manipulative, she withholds sex from her man if he doesn't do certain things.

00:23:18.000 That goes away.

00:23:19.000 My friends in Bangkok, where I met people in Bangkok, they don't play those...

00:23:23.000 The regular women here, the non-working women...

00:23:26.000 They don't play that game.

00:23:27.000 Because they know, dude, I can just walk down the street, like a bodega in New York, they're everywhere, and just find a woman.

00:23:33.000 So this like, I'll make him wait, it's like, shut up with that.

00:23:36.000 You're interested, just go for it.

00:23:38.000 The problem is shame for the girl.

00:23:41.000 That's the fucking problem.

00:23:42.000 If there was no shame for the girl, if no one really cared if she hooked up with you on a one night stand, it turns out she fucked your cousin a month ago, no one cared.

00:23:51.000 That's almost gone.

00:23:52.000 It's almost gone.

00:23:53.000 Yeah.

00:23:54.000 It is almost gone, right?

00:23:54.000 It's changing.

00:23:56.000 Yeah.

00:23:56.000 Well, conversations.

00:23:58.000 People didn't talk about this shit when we were kids.

00:24:00.000 You had to figure it out on your own.

00:24:01.000 It's so casual now.

00:24:03.000 Dude, nobody taught you about jerking off.

00:24:04.000 Nobody taught you about drinking.

00:24:06.000 Nope.

00:24:06.000 Nobody taught you what to do in a relationship.

00:24:08.000 Those are the three most confusing fucking things that happened to you.

00:24:11.000 Yeah, gassing.

00:24:12.000 Can I make a PSA real quick for all the children who are going to start drinking?

00:24:15.000 Your parents are never going to teach you about alcohol use.

00:24:17.000 There's a thing called coasting.

00:24:19.000 When you have a few drinks, you can switch to water if you're feeling drunk.

00:24:22.000 You're going to throw up if you keep drinking like a child, but you're a child, right?

00:24:26.000 So you don't get how to do it yet.

00:24:27.000 You've got to coast.

00:24:28.000 One water, one beer.

00:24:29.000 One water, one beer.

00:24:30.000 And then you'll have a great time.

00:24:31.000 Don't have too many.

00:24:33.000 If you're going to drink, and I don't advise anyone under 21 to drink because that's illegal, but if I was going to advise them, I would say have two drinks.

00:24:41.000 Don't have more than two.

00:24:42.000 Two will fuck you up, man.

00:24:43.000 Don't be that guy.

00:24:45.000 You're for sure going to get drunk, but just limit it to drunk.

00:24:48.000 If you're 16 years old, two shots of Jack Daniels will put you in a fucking goofy mood.

00:24:54.000 I would say wherever you're at, if you're feeling good, just stop for a while.

00:24:58.000 Stop for a while.

00:24:58.000 It's hard, though.

00:24:59.000 You're good right there.

00:24:59.000 You still got more going down, too.

00:25:01.000 Well, the problem is you lose your inhibitions, right?

00:25:03.000 They go out the window.

00:25:04.000 And then you're having fun.

00:25:05.000 You want to have more fun.

00:25:06.000 You'll have more fun if you switch up Coca-Cola.

00:25:08.000 Shots, shots, shots, shots.

00:25:10.000 All right!

00:25:11.000 Yeah, next thing you know, you got Bert on the table.

00:25:14.000 He's got his butt crack.

00:25:15.000 You're underneath it.

00:25:16.000 He's pouring asshole shots.

00:25:18.000 It's the shots!

00:25:19.000 Because you can have two or three of those in four minutes.

00:25:21.000 And get blasted instantaneously.

00:25:22.000 And suddenly you're like, what happened?

00:25:24.000 You're mainlining alcohol.

00:25:25.000 Right to the old hatch.

00:25:26.000 One shot, you feel it.

00:25:28.000 Like, instantly.

00:25:29.000 Like, woo!

00:25:30.000 You're ready to throw up.

00:25:31.000 You still got two more shots that haven't hit you yet.

00:25:33.000 Woo!

00:25:34.000 That's what's up.

00:25:35.000 You know what else is up?

00:25:36.000 Ari Shaffir's going to be with me at the improv tonight at 10.30.

00:25:39.000 Sold out show, fuckers.

00:25:41.000 That'll be great.

00:25:41.000 Oh, yeah.

00:25:42.000 It's going to be a good time.

00:25:43.000 I hope those shows are good.

00:25:43.000 Diaz is on the first show.

00:25:45.000 Oh, really?

00:25:45.000 Yeah.

00:25:46.000 Nice.

00:25:46.000 Fun times.

00:25:48.000 Can I ask my special?

00:25:49.000 Fuck, yeah.

00:25:50.000 I'm finally doing my special.

00:25:51.000 Yes.

00:25:52.000 And which theater did you choose?

00:25:53.000 The Skirball Center in New York.

00:25:55.000 We talked a lot about it.

00:25:56.000 Yes, I'm so glad.

00:25:57.000 Yeah.

00:25:58.000 Because tell everybody the whole, you went on a little journey there, trying to figure out where to go.

00:26:03.000 Yeah, trying to find a venue.

00:26:04.000 It's a lot about Judaism, my upbringing, you know?

00:26:07.000 Fucking do that, comedy club funny, be done with that shit, you know?

00:26:12.000 So that's what I've been working on for a while.

00:26:14.000 Yeah, it's been a couple of years, right?

00:26:15.000 It's been the longest one, two and a half years.

00:26:18.000 But it's also the first one that you did like a theme.

00:26:22.000 And it's essentially, so what you did was like, there's a lot of guys who do that.

00:26:26.000 I've never been to Edinburgh.

00:26:27.000 But that festival is like, that's how it is, right?

00:26:31.000 And it's like a lot of people who do themes.

00:26:34.000 So you decided to do a theme, but to do this theme with American style stand-up.

00:26:39.000 Yeah, that's exactly it, dude.

00:26:40.000 Yes, that's exactly it.

00:26:43.000 I went with my storytelling show one year, and then my plan was to go show them what a fucking American Hour was, which is my last special.

00:26:51.000 Just like, hey, here's your stand-up, you fucking fools.

00:26:53.000 Trying to do some fucking higher thing where you're tying it all together, but they're not funny.

00:26:58.000 They do like 20 minutes of unfunny.

00:27:01.000 And so I was like, everybody here, I'm giving you an American hour.

00:27:04.000 And it was just that.

00:27:05.000 And then the next year the plan was, and it became two years later, was like, now I'll do one of your stupid fucking theme hours, but I'm not going to do it where I'm just fucking serious for 20 minutes.

00:27:14.000 It's ridiculous.

00:27:14.000 Is that what they do?

00:27:15.000 They really do, and I don't get it.

00:27:17.000 I don't get why you have to...

00:27:18.000 I get the theme.

00:27:19.000 I don't get why you have to stop being funny.

00:27:21.000 It's all theater shit.

00:27:23.000 Did you see Hannah Gadsby?

00:27:24.000 I didn't see her live.

00:27:25.000 She was there the year I was off.

00:27:26.000 Nanette?

00:27:27.000 Nanette.

00:27:27.000 I thought that was her name.

00:27:29.000 I thought her name was Nanette.

00:27:30.000 The show was called Dan and Gatsby.

00:27:31.000 I fucked it up.

00:27:32.000 You didn't see it?

00:27:33.000 I didn't see it live.

00:27:34.000 The people I know who saw it live was in the room.

00:27:36.000 They were like, damn.

00:27:37.000 It was pretty powerful.

00:27:39.000 Because that shit goes at Edinburgh.

00:27:41.000 People see four or five shows a day for five days in a row.

00:27:45.000 But her thing, a lot of it is not funny.

00:27:47.000 Some of it's funny, but a lot of it's not funny.

00:27:48.000 Intentionally not funny.

00:27:49.000 Yes.

00:27:50.000 But these guys in England, the Edinburgh guys.

00:27:51.000 Of the not funny part, that was like legit powerful stuff.

00:27:55.000 Where you're like, fuck, you're caught up in the emotion.

00:27:57.000 But a lot of them is just forcing in, and I've seen people doing my storytellers, like forcing in some lesson or something.

00:28:04.000 It's like, dude, it's not there.

00:28:05.000 It's okay.

00:28:06.000 You can just have a fun story.

00:28:07.000 Right, right, right, right.

00:28:08.000 Forcing in lessons is gross.

00:28:10.000 I always like The Moth, which I like The Moth.

00:28:13.000 What's The Moth?

00:28:13.000 The Moth is a storytelling series.

00:28:17.000 Mikey D did one on there about getting AIDS. Oh, Jesus.

00:28:23.000 And about his aunt or something.

00:28:24.000 But usually it was like, comics did it, it was just funny, and then when normals did it, they were like...

00:28:29.000 They would have something.

00:28:30.000 They'd be like, that's not just the day I lost my watch.

00:28:33.000 That's the day I lost my innocence.

00:28:35.000 Oh, boy.

00:28:36.000 So they just got overdramatic?

00:28:38.000 Yeah, and that's what they do in Edinburgh a lot.

00:28:40.000 Some of them are really good, but that theme thing was that.

00:28:44.000 And I was like, I want to do that better.

00:28:45.000 When you say American-style stand-up, I almost wish I wasn't an American stand-up so I could fucking wholeheartedly agree with you.

00:28:52.000 I mean, it's not.

00:28:53.000 We're just 15 years ahead.

00:28:54.000 But I wish I wasn't an actual American stand-up so I could have a non-opinionated point in this.

00:29:01.000 Because when I hear people say, like, America's not where the best stand-ups are, I'm like, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck you!

00:29:08.000 It's fine.

00:29:08.000 They're doing great.

00:29:09.000 They started behind us.

00:29:10.000 I'm sure a lot of you are out there in New Zealand and Florida and other countries.

00:29:16.000 Florida's not America.

00:29:17.000 What?

00:29:19.000 Australia, anywhere you're at.

00:29:21.000 There's good standards there.

00:29:22.000 Some of you are a genius, and some of you are amongst the best in the world.

00:29:25.000 It doesn't disqualify you from being amongst the best in the world.

00:29:28.000 But if you want to say that there's not a greater number of hilarious fucks, female and male, in America, a way disproportionate number, you're out of your fucking mind.

00:29:37.000 You're out of your mind.

00:29:38.000 The greatest ones are here.

00:29:40.000 You're out of your mind.

00:29:40.000 It's not even close.

00:29:42.000 There's no race.

00:29:43.000 Yeah.

00:29:44.000 Doesn't mean you're not awesome.

00:29:45.000 It's a non-starter.

00:29:45.000 Yeah, right, exactly.

00:29:46.000 There's a lot of great comics in other places.

00:29:48.000 But overall, they're just like behind us.

00:29:50.000 Take us completely out of the equation.

00:29:52.000 Take our friends out of the equation.

00:29:54.000 Yeah.

00:29:54.000 This place is filled with assassins.

00:29:56.000 It's filled with assassins.

00:29:58.000 This is the Wild West.

00:29:58.000 This whole country is built on fucking rebels.

00:30:00.000 Well, especially now with the internet, I mean, you can become a legit national act with no one's help like Andrew, like Schultz is doing.

00:30:08.000 Dude, he is doing everything through YouTube.

00:30:12.000 He's selling out theaters.

00:30:13.000 He's murdering it.

00:30:14.000 You don't need anybody anymore.

00:30:16.000 These fucking killers like him, all these assassins.

00:30:19.000 He's turned a corner, too.

00:30:20.000 People talk about it.

00:30:21.000 Not about draw, but just about...

00:30:23.000 It was material.

00:30:24.000 On stage, yeah.

00:30:25.000 Yeah, he's working at it.

00:30:26.000 He's a funny fuck, man.

00:30:27.000 He's a smart dude.

00:30:28.000 But the thing is, these guys, they're blossoming now.

00:30:31.000 There's a bunch of them, man.

00:30:32.000 They're all over the place.

00:30:33.000 Yeah.

00:30:34.000 Yeah, it's a bunch of fucking assassins.

00:30:36.000 It's a great time to be a comic.

00:30:37.000 It really is.

00:30:38.000 It really is.

00:30:39.000 And people get so worked up, too, which is also fun.

00:30:41.000 It's just a fun time overall.

00:30:42.000 People definitely get more mad than they ever have before, but they also get happier that you're willing to push the envelope, too.

00:30:47.000 Oh, yeah.

00:30:48.000 Because it's a little bit of danger again.

00:30:50.000 We talked about this.

00:30:50.000 It's fucking dangerous again.

00:30:52.000 It's great.

00:30:52.000 Yeah, you said that to me on the phone once.

00:30:54.000 I'll never forget that.

00:30:55.000 I was driving home.

00:30:56.000 You're like, I love it.

00:30:57.000 Comedy's dangerous again.

00:30:58.000 You might get written off!

00:31:00.000 If you say the wrong thing, like, I think I can go a little darker.

00:31:02.000 And they're like, nope, you're done!

00:31:04.000 Like, whoa!

00:31:05.000 Here's the thing, though.

00:31:06.000 We'll never be written off to each other.

00:31:08.000 Oh, exactly.

00:31:08.000 We're fine.

00:31:09.000 But that's the reason why we can kind of...

00:31:12.000 We have freedom that maybe people in...

00:31:14.000 For sure, TV shows don't have.

00:31:16.000 Oh, yeah.

00:31:17.000 They don't have any freedom.

00:31:18.000 They don't have any freedom.

00:31:19.000 Well, none.

00:31:20.000 But also, right...

00:31:21.000 They can take away a level of money we can make.

00:31:24.000 But like, they can't take away the ability to do stand-up.

00:31:27.000 No.

00:31:28.000 Unless every club says we won't book you.

00:31:30.000 Or even the workout clubs don't have you.

00:31:32.000 You can just still do stand-up.

00:31:34.000 Right.

00:31:34.000 Which is like the main thing.

00:31:35.000 Yes.

00:31:36.000 Yes.

00:31:36.000 And you just have a few clubs that'll be like, yeah, we're never gonna fucking get rid of him for anything he says.

00:31:41.000 But yeah, and also, fans, like, if you did something, I mean, it would have to be some horrible shit.

00:31:47.000 It would have to be real life shit.

00:31:48.000 Yeah, you'd have to murder somebody or something.

00:31:50.000 Do you think OJ could do stand-up?

00:31:52.000 For sure.

00:31:55.000 Oh my god, how do we make that happen?

00:31:58.000 We could get Tony to write for him.

00:32:00.000 Oh, for sure.

00:32:01.000 He's naturally charismatic.

00:32:04.000 I think he's friends with Norm.

00:32:06.000 Yeah.

00:32:07.000 I think Norm McDonald, maybe, I shouldn't say friends, like Norm knows him.

00:32:10.000 And I think Norm has actually talked to him about doing his podcast.

00:32:14.000 Really?

00:32:14.000 Yes.

00:32:15.000 Do you know how epic that would be?

00:32:17.000 That would be crazy.

00:32:17.000 I want to show you something that Stan wrote a long time ago, now that we're talking about this.

00:32:20.000 If Norm had...

00:32:21.000 If Norm coached him?

00:32:22.000 O.J. Simpson on his podcast...

00:32:24.000 Hey, juice!

00:32:27.000 Norm has whatever the fuck the opposite of having a filter is.

00:32:33.000 It's not having no filter.

00:32:35.000 He's just got weird, crazy shit that's going to come out of his mouth.

00:32:40.000 He doesn't give a fuck.

00:32:41.000 Did you see the Sacha Baron Cohen with OJ? No, I did not.

00:32:46.000 Oh, you gotta watch it.

00:32:47.000 He interviews OJ. Yeah, I know, I know.

00:32:49.000 I didn't see it, though.

00:32:50.000 Oh, it's the best.

00:32:50.000 And he's just this Italian guy, and he's like, I mean, you gotta watch, but he's like, yeah, no, he has some assistant women, you know, I wish I could kill them, but I guess I cannot.

00:32:59.000 And the guy's like, OJ's like, all right, man, no, no, no.

00:33:01.000 Whoa.

00:33:02.000 Oh, he gets him.

00:33:03.000 Oh, he's just so convincing.

00:33:04.000 He's so ballsy.

00:33:06.000 Yeah.

00:33:06.000 To be able to do that shit right in front of those people, they don't even know what's happening.

00:33:11.000 Yeah.

00:33:11.000 And they've signed up.

00:33:13.000 Yeah.

00:33:13.000 Here, read this.

00:33:14.000 This is what I mean by, like, they can't ever take it all away from us.

00:33:16.000 Because you have clubs like this, The Stand.

00:33:18.000 This is one of my e-rages.

00:33:20.000 Everyone calling The Stand, posting hateful messages and emailing hate speech to us.

00:33:25.000 We never respond to such irresponsible protests.

00:33:28.000 Despite what you feel about Ari Shafir, we have the right to book or hire anyone, regardless of their views on religion, race, or politics.

00:33:35.000 Ari is a comedian and a performer just because you view his creations as something that is not humorous, but hate speech.

00:33:41.000 That is your opinion.

00:33:43.000 Harassing our establishment will not deter us from booking Ari to perform at the stand.

00:33:48.000 Please refrain from engaging our staff.

00:33:50.000 Furthermore, unorganized protest over a something that is out of our control is not only morally wrong but is viewed as a crime.

00:34:02.000 We will find out what special interest group this is and press charges if this continues.

00:34:08.000 That is all.

00:34:09.000 Damn.

00:34:10.000 That's our public post.

00:34:11.000 That's what everyone else is backing down.

00:34:12.000 It's like, well, it's a tough time right now.

00:34:14.000 You'll always have a few clubs like that.

00:34:15.000 They'll be like, get the fuck away.

00:34:17.000 We're not doing that.

00:34:18.000 So you'll always have a place to perform.

00:34:20.000 Thank God.

00:34:22.000 Yeah.

00:34:23.000 Thank Odin.

00:34:24.000 Praise Zeus.

00:34:26.000 Yeah.

00:34:26.000 Yeah, man.

00:34:27.000 We need them.

00:34:27.000 We need people like the store.

00:34:29.000 We need places that...

00:34:31.000 You know, in some clubs, they don't recognize that.

00:34:33.000 They used to...

00:34:34.000 And Mitzi would do this.

00:34:34.000 They used to, like, write...

00:34:37.000 Like, full letters about Paul Mooney, complaining about him.

00:34:41.000 And we were like, what do you do?

00:34:42.000 And she was like, call Paul, read it to him, and then decide if he wants the letter or not.

00:34:47.000 Tell the people who complained that he's going to be severely punished.

00:34:51.000 That's what you do?

00:34:52.000 That's funny.

00:34:52.000 We would call Paul, we'd just laugh about it.

00:34:54.000 He goes, read it again, read it again, I love this.

00:34:55.000 And we'd read it back, he goes, you want to go safe for my day, yeah.

00:34:58.000 And then we'd call the person, we'd be like, okay, he's been docked for two weeks, he won't be here.

00:35:02.000 Here's four free tickets to the Comedy Store.

00:35:04.000 And we're hoping that they'd be there when he was there again.

00:35:07.000 And of course he was never told not to show up.

00:35:09.000 Oh my god.

00:35:10.000 But like, there were idiots back then too.

00:35:12.000 It's hilarious.

00:35:13.000 Always.

00:35:14.000 There's always people that complain.

00:35:15.000 But the club's never gonna bow down.

00:35:16.000 You know what I love looking at?

00:35:17.000 Yelp reviews.

00:35:18.000 When I find someone that's like a one star for a restaurant that I know is good.

00:35:21.000 I find one star.

00:35:23.000 And then I'll read the review and I'm like, let me check out this dude's profile.

00:35:25.000 It's full of hate.

00:35:27.000 Full of hate.

00:35:27.000 Oh my god, he hates everything.

00:35:28.000 Everything sucks.

00:35:30.000 Everything sucks.

00:35:31.000 Every waiter is rude.

00:35:32.000 Every fucking food is cold.

00:35:34.000 Yeah, it's more like the Off-White House.

00:35:35.000 Wash it.

00:35:36.000 Some people are just twats.

00:35:38.000 Yeah.

00:35:39.000 They're just...

00:35:39.000 You know, did you see that New York Times review?

00:35:41.000 They gave the fucking Brooklyn Steakhouse that we love...

00:35:45.000 What the hell is it called?

00:35:46.000 Peter Luger's.

00:35:47.000 They gave Peter Luger's one star.

00:35:48.000 One star!

00:35:50.000 Remember?

00:35:50.000 We just went there.

00:35:51.000 Yeah, it was great.

00:35:52.000 It was fucking amazing.

00:35:53.000 Oh my God.

00:35:54.000 It's a sizzling plate.

00:35:56.000 Dude.

00:35:56.000 Those potatoes...

00:35:58.000 They gave it one star.

00:35:59.000 Come on!

00:36:00.000 Three stars!

00:36:01.000 And you're like, wow, maybe something happened.

00:36:03.000 I don't know.

00:36:03.000 It's smart.

00:36:04.000 Because look, if you're a provocateur slash journalist, and I know how much you love trolls, that's what that guy did.

00:36:11.000 He took one of the most delicious restaurants of all time, and he made a one-star rating.

00:36:15.000 It's either that or he's a moron.

00:36:16.000 So either he's really clever, or he's got to be a twat.

00:36:20.000 It shows up on top of Google when you search Peter Luger Review, too.

00:36:23.000 Used to sizzle, now it sputters.

00:36:26.000 One star.

00:36:26.000 I can count on Peter Lucas takeouts in Brooklyn to produce certain sensations, and then I don't know.

00:36:30.000 Well, it's a very, very popular restaurant, right?

00:36:33.000 There's a giant waiting list.

00:36:34.000 Last time we were there, we luckily weaseled in and had to grease some palms, but it's a fucking sweet spot.

00:36:41.000 Me and Diaz went.

00:36:41.000 When Diaz was in town, he was like, get a reservation.

00:36:43.000 They're like, you're out of your mind.

00:36:44.000 You can't get one.

00:36:45.000 And so we had my manager assistant call and say, we're part of Obama's staff.

00:36:49.000 We'll be there.

00:36:50.000 Oh, my God.

00:36:50.000 Yeah, they said we could do 315, and that's it.

00:36:52.000 Oh my god.

00:36:54.000 Part of Obama's staff.

00:36:55.000 That's hilarious.

00:36:57.000 That's hilarious.

00:36:59.000 The food there is fucking amazing, man.

00:37:01.000 You can't do that for a one-star restaurant, you cunt.

00:37:03.000 That's not one star.

00:37:04.000 That's a troll.

00:37:05.000 You're absolutely right.

00:37:05.000 That's more than, he's not just, he's just Or he's one of those writers.

00:37:10.000 There's certain writers that are just trying to be assholes with everything they do.

00:37:14.000 They love being assholes.

00:37:16.000 They love accentuating the art form of being an asshole.

00:37:19.000 An art form of being an articulate asshole.

00:37:23.000 When you're an asshole with good, you know how to say the, you know, put the right words in the right order.

00:37:28.000 It just sounds juicy and pops and makes you seem terrible.

00:37:32.000 But when you're doing that over something like Peter Luger's, you lose all that one star means.

00:37:38.000 That's not what one star means.

00:37:40.000 What one star means is you go to the Olive Garden and the fucking guy who works behind the counter has heroin problems.

00:37:47.000 It's actually zero stars.

00:37:48.000 Zero?

00:37:48.000 I didn't even give it a one.

00:37:49.000 It was a zero star.

00:37:50.000 Oh, that's hilarious.

00:37:51.000 There's no zero stars.

00:37:52.000 That's hilarious.

00:37:52.000 One is the lowest.

00:37:54.000 Not today.

00:37:55.000 Come on, that's hilarious.

00:37:56.000 That's a Photoshop.

00:37:57.000 Is that really?

00:37:58.000 No, you can't do zero stars.

00:38:00.000 It's a Photoshop.

00:38:01.000 It's a troll.

00:38:01.000 See, it's more showing that this guy's trolling.

00:38:04.000 Look, we're talking about him.

00:38:05.000 It's great.

00:38:06.000 He's a smart guy.

00:38:07.000 He's made us uncover him, though, and we uncovered him.

00:38:09.000 Look, he's a smart guy.

00:38:10.000 I did get riled up.

00:38:12.000 If you want to make a fucking splash in the restaurant review business in 2019, that's what you do.

00:38:19.000 Yeah.

00:38:19.000 You can't go positive with shitty places.

00:38:21.000 That won't work.

00:38:22.000 Negative with great places.

00:38:23.000 Negative.

00:38:25.000 You know how you all love this?

00:38:26.000 Well, I hate it.

00:38:27.000 I shit in your mouth.

00:38:32.000 Yeah.

00:38:32.000 I mean, he was talking about the steak not being flavorful.

00:38:35.000 What are you talking about?

00:38:37.000 You're out of your fucking mind.

00:38:38.000 If they dropped it on the floor and picked it up on the way, it's still a two-star.

00:38:42.000 He's bullshitting.

00:38:43.000 It's so good.

00:38:43.000 He's bullshitting.

00:38:44.000 And we're all buying it.

00:38:45.000 Hook, line, and sinker.

00:38:46.000 We're like a bass right now, like this.

00:38:48.000 He absolutely got us.

00:38:49.000 He got us.

00:38:50.000 Hook in the jaw.

00:38:52.000 I'm fighting against the drag.

00:38:55.000 It's so much more fun to be angry at something.

00:38:57.000 Well, let me finish telling you my special.

00:38:58.000 Oh, your special.

00:38:59.000 Okay.

00:39:00.000 Okay.

00:39:02.000 So, since it was this, whatever, this theme thing, I was like, we should do it in a synagogue.

00:39:05.000 There's this place that I was like, this works because it's like a performance space that was a synagogue, and then they didn't want me to do it because of my material.

00:39:13.000 And then we kept trying to find new synagogues that would let me do it.

00:39:17.000 The one that would be good for performance, and then also that would let me do it, and they were all like, no fucking way.

00:39:23.000 Some of them are like, do you have Holocaust jokes?

00:39:24.000 I'm like, yes!

00:39:25.000 And they're like, no.

00:39:28.000 My dad has survived, but I can see whatever the fuck I want.

00:39:31.000 Or do I have to be one?

00:39:33.000 No, I think you can say whatever the fuck you want.

00:39:35.000 If I say it in front of him, anyway.

00:39:36.000 Your dad is a fucking Holocaust survivor.

00:39:39.000 That's right.

00:39:39.000 This is a real thing, you know?

00:39:41.000 I mean, the Holocaust was a real thing.

00:39:43.000 It's not a deal with it as a people.

00:39:44.000 Yeah, that's the thing.

00:39:46.000 It's like, that's one of the rare things where only Jews can talk about it in that way.

00:39:51.000 I mean, anybody can talk about anything, right?

00:39:53.000 But only Jews can talk about the Holocaust from a position of, hey, that was my family that was killed.

00:39:59.000 That was my dad who was in the fucking concentration camps.

00:40:02.000 Yeah, you can give some seriousness too.

00:40:04.000 But like, yeah, I'll do it the way I want to do it.

00:40:06.000 The only people that can say that, that that is my family.

00:40:11.000 Or the people that were...

00:40:12.000 Or Jews.

00:40:12.000 They're the only people.

00:40:14.000 So if anybody...

00:40:15.000 The Armenians got fully wiped out.

00:40:16.000 Dude.

00:40:19.000 There's plenty of them.

00:40:20.000 Go to Glendale.

00:40:22.000 Not only did the Armenians have a genocide, but there was a denial of their genocide.

00:40:28.000 Like a serious denial of their genocide.

00:40:30.000 More than the Jew ones.

00:40:32.000 Yeah, like open and recent.

00:40:34.000 Not that long ago, people were still denying the Armenian genocide.

00:40:38.000 Yeah, that's a very touchy one with them, man.

00:40:41.000 I didn't know about it until Manny Gamburian told me about it.

00:40:45.000 Yeah, they hate the Turks.

00:40:47.000 Well, they hate the people who massacred their ancestors.

00:40:51.000 They also just hate the Turks.

00:40:52.000 You think so?

00:40:53.000 Yeah, at this point.

00:40:54.000 They're probably not delineating.

00:40:55.000 Isn't it weird that...

00:40:56.000 Ah, fuck all of you.

00:40:57.000 Is Turkey not Turkey to them?

00:40:59.000 Is that one of them countries?

00:41:00.000 Like, Japan is Nippon, right?

00:41:03.000 Oh, really?

00:41:03.000 Like, we're like, nah, don't like it, Japan.

00:41:05.000 There's a few countries.

00:41:07.000 I think Greece is not Greece.

00:41:09.000 I don't believe they call it Greece.

00:41:11.000 Israel is Israel.

00:41:13.000 It's close enough.

00:41:14.000 That's close enough.

00:41:15.000 Greece is not Greece.

00:41:16.000 I don't believe Greece is Greece.

00:41:18.000 Mexico and Mexico are close.

00:41:20.000 Yeah, that's close enough.

00:41:22.000 Iceland's probably not Iceland.

00:41:23.000 They have a whole different language.

00:41:25.000 Maybe, right?

00:41:26.000 Yeah, what is Iceland?

00:41:26.000 But what is Greece in their language?

00:41:30.000 What's the word?

00:41:32.000 I might have made that up.

00:41:34.000 Let's see if I made that up.

00:41:34.000 Let's see.

00:41:35.000 My brain is falling apart lately.

00:41:39.000 Anyway, my special is February 8th.

00:41:42.000 Stop taping it.

00:41:43.000 February 8th.

00:41:43.000 It's a hard question to Google.

00:41:45.000 Really?

00:41:45.000 Why?

00:41:46.000 What is Greece called in Greece?

00:41:48.000 In Greek.

00:41:49.000 What is the real name of the country Greece?

00:41:57.000 Okay.

00:41:58.000 I was trying a turkey thing and it's too close to Thanksgiving.

00:42:01.000 Turn off your safety.

00:42:03.000 Turn on your hot light.

00:42:06.000 What is Greece?

00:42:08.000 What is the country Greece?

00:42:12.000 What is the real name of the country Greece?

00:42:16.000 The real name of the country Greece?

00:42:18.000 What is it?

00:42:19.000 The ancient or modern name of the country is Hellas or Helada.

00:42:23.000 Helada.

00:42:24.000 The official name is the Hellenic Republic.

00:42:26.000 Wow.

00:42:27.000 That's better than Greece.

00:42:29.000 It's tougher.

00:42:29.000 It's not something you put on an axle.

00:42:31.000 It's not something you mix up with dancing.

00:42:33.000 Yeah.

00:42:33.000 Greece is the word.

00:42:35.000 That's better.

00:42:36.000 Hellenic Republic?

00:42:40.000 So that's one.

00:42:41.000 We fucked that one up.

00:42:42.000 I'm pretty sure we fucked up Turkey.

00:42:44.000 I don't think they call Turkey Turkey.

00:42:46.000 Germany is Deutschland, right?

00:42:48.000 Deutschland, yeah.

00:42:49.000 Turkey adopted it.

00:42:51.000 They took it.

00:42:52.000 They adopted its official name known in English as the Republic of Turkey.

00:42:56.000 I bet the butterball industry bribed them.

00:43:00.000 It was probably some cross-promotion with Kellogg's.

00:43:03.000 That's hilarious.

00:43:06.000 Remember when Kazakhstan got mad at L.E.G.? Fucking real mad at him.

00:43:10.000 Yeah.

00:43:10.000 Real mad at him.

00:43:11.000 Furious.

00:43:11.000 He was making fun.

00:43:13.000 I'm so mad.

00:43:13.000 It just made everybody happier.

00:43:15.000 Dude, that Borat movie is one of my favorite movies ever.

00:43:18.000 That was one of the best.

00:43:19.000 One of the best comedies.

00:43:20.000 So good.

00:43:21.000 It's so good.

00:43:21.000 It's up there.

00:43:22.000 God damn, it was funny.

00:43:24.000 So good.

00:43:24.000 You go back and watch it today and you're like, what in the fuck, man?

00:43:27.000 I haven't seen it in a while.

00:43:28.000 And again, that guy, he's just so good at fucking with people.

00:43:33.000 He's so good at keeping a straight face.

00:43:36.000 While all this madness is going on, remember when he shit in the bag and was handing it to one of the people in the house in Georgia?

00:43:43.000 Do you remember that?

00:43:44.000 At the end.

00:43:46.000 Oh my god.

00:43:48.000 Do you know he fell asleep in that house in Georgia?

00:43:50.000 It's like a plantation house.

00:43:51.000 He's trying to get a little racist around him.

00:43:53.000 And then he fell asleep because they were drinking wine.

00:43:56.000 There was like a wine plantation.

00:43:56.000 He fell asleep.

00:43:57.000 And they were like, he's going to wake up.

00:43:59.000 He's not going to know what character he's in.

00:44:00.000 Like the people with him.

00:44:01.000 Oh my God.

00:44:02.000 And then he didn't know what to do.

00:44:03.000 But then he woke up and he was just like right into it.

00:44:06.000 Wow.

00:44:06.000 Like saw where he was.

00:44:07.000 Like, mm-hmm.

00:44:09.000 Oh my god, that's hilarious.

00:44:12.000 Got blasted, woke up drunk, still realized he was Borat.

00:44:15.000 That's funny, man.

00:44:17.000 Him with Donald Trump back in the day when he was Ali G. Did you ever see the Ali G movie?

00:44:23.000 He made a movie that was only available in the UK. I actually bought a special VHS player just to play it.

00:44:29.000 Really?

00:44:29.000 Yeah, because it was one of those ones that was...

00:44:31.000 There used to be two formats.

00:44:33.000 No, VHS. There used to be two formats of VHS. There was a format that they used over in the UK, and there was a format that we use here.

00:44:40.000 And they're not compatible.

00:44:42.000 And you have to either get a universal player, one that plays all formats, or you had to get a separate one.

00:44:47.000 So I went and got one that plays both.

00:44:50.000 But I got it specifically so I could get the Ali-G TV shows, too.

00:44:55.000 You used to be able to buy the TV shows online in VHS. The TV shows were great, yeah.

00:44:58.000 Oh, those are great.

00:44:58.000 The ones from England.

00:45:00.000 Yeah.

00:45:01.000 Dude, I'm telling you, man, this fucking movie is great.

00:45:03.000 It's so silly, especially if you're high.

00:45:06.000 It's really funny.

00:45:08.000 It's really funny.

00:45:09.000 And I heard people tell me it's terrible.

00:45:10.000 I'm like, dude, don't talk to me.

00:45:12.000 I fucking laughed entirely through this movie.

00:45:15.000 If you're a stoner, this is an outstanding movie.

00:45:18.000 What is it called?

00:45:19.000 Ollie G. In the House.

00:45:20.000 It's from 2002. Dude, it's so good.

00:45:24.000 It's a lost gem.

00:45:25.000 Is that the dude from the office?

00:45:28.000 I don't remember.

00:45:30.000 The dude that was with him?

00:45:31.000 The white guy?

00:45:32.000 Probably.

00:45:32.000 Yeah, maybe.

00:45:33.000 I don't remember.

00:45:35.000 In the British office.

00:45:36.000 Yeah, I think it was.

00:45:38.000 In Hitchhiker's Guide.

00:45:38.000 Either way.

00:45:41.000 It's fucking great.

00:45:42.000 It's fucking great.

00:45:43.000 It's really funny, man.

00:45:47.000 Really funny.

00:45:51.000 There's a dog licking his balls.

00:45:53.000 This is ridiculous.

00:45:53.000 Oh, this is fun.

00:45:54.000 You ever see Tom Green's shitty amazing movie?

00:45:58.000 Yes!

00:45:58.000 Freddie Got Fingered?

00:45:59.000 Yeah.

00:46:00.000 Oh, God, that was funny.

00:46:01.000 There's some funny moments in that movie.

00:46:03.000 They call that the worst.

00:46:03.000 There was another one-star movie.

00:46:04.000 They call that the worst movie of all time.

00:46:06.000 And then you finally watch it, and you're like, this is legitimately funny.

00:46:08.000 Funny shit.

00:46:09.000 Funny shit.

00:46:09.000 So, like, real laughs.

00:46:10.000 That's another one, if you watched it today, you'd be laughing hard.

00:46:13.000 Yeah.

00:46:13.000 Especially if you're a stoner.

00:46:14.000 Remember when the baby was in the umbilical cord and he's swinging around the room?

00:46:17.000 Ha ha ha.

00:46:20.000 At the end, he, like, lands with his house in, like, the desert somewhere.

00:46:23.000 It's like, it kind of should already be over, and it's like, he's still going.

00:46:26.000 And then everyone's greeting him, him and his dad, like, rip torn or something.

00:46:30.000 They're greeting him, and one of the signs says, why is this movie still going?

00:46:36.000 His whole fucking show was crazy.

00:46:38.000 That show was amazing.

00:46:39.000 That was an amazing show.

00:46:40.000 God damn.

00:46:41.000 Yeah.

00:46:41.000 It was the best.

00:46:43.000 You've never seen anything like that in Jackass.

00:46:45.000 He took some risks.

00:46:47.000 God damn.

00:46:47.000 Yeah.

00:46:48.000 There's a lot of people taking serious risks on TV back then.

00:46:51.000 Yeah.

00:46:53.000 You know?

00:46:54.000 Yeah.

00:46:55.000 How about...

00:46:56.000 What's his face?

00:47:00.000 The fucking...

00:47:02.000 God damn it.

00:47:03.000 The ex-experi...

00:47:04.000 What is his name that does the fucking...

00:47:07.000 The guy who would do the pranks on people and put makeup on and shit?

00:47:11.000 Get there?

00:47:12.000 Jamie Kennedy experiment?

00:47:13.000 Yes, Jesus Christ.

00:47:14.000 How am I not getting Jamie Kennedy out of my mouth?

00:47:16.000 You are.

00:47:16.000 Weed.

00:47:17.000 My tolerance, that whole went off.

00:47:19.000 It went down, huh?

00:47:19.000 My tolerance is through the fucking floor.

00:47:21.000 Yeah.

00:47:22.000 I have nothing.

00:47:23.000 I was smart this time.

00:47:24.000 I went into it going like, give me something like 14%.

00:47:26.000 This is 40. Whatever.

00:47:27.000 40. This is that goddamn Kevin Smith shit.

00:47:29.000 He gets obliterated all day.

00:47:31.000 Jamie Kennedy had a great show.

00:47:33.000 Yeah.

00:47:33.000 Jamie Kennedy experiment?

00:47:35.000 Is that what it was?

00:47:36.000 Experiment, yeah.

00:47:37.000 That was a great fucking show.

00:47:39.000 How about the one where he talked those guys into being gay Chippendales dancers?

00:47:43.000 Remember?

00:47:44.000 He did some good stuff.

00:47:46.000 I don't remember that one.

00:47:47.000 It was Guys Gone Nuts.

00:47:49.000 Yeah.

00:47:50.000 It was like he was a sleazy producer and he was telling these guys that they were going to be in this new show called Guys Gone Nuts.

00:47:56.000 And then eventually it got further down the line.

00:47:59.000 He made them dance and stuff.

00:48:00.000 But then eventually it got further down the line where they were going to have to do gay stuff.

00:48:04.000 He was getting them on film, saying how much gay stuff they'd be willing to do.

00:48:10.000 It was legitimately ridiculous.

00:48:12.000 And he's this sleazy promoter, treating them like they're male prostitutes.

00:48:19.000 It's very funny.

00:48:20.000 It was very funny.

00:48:21.000 And it's another one that's real.

00:48:23.000 These are not actors.

00:48:23.000 Do you remember when he got Holtzman to wipe his feet?

00:48:25.000 No, I don't.

00:48:26.000 He said he was a king.

00:48:29.000 He was playing a king.

00:48:31.000 Or a Saudi prince.

00:48:33.000 Holtzman was just somebody he got.

00:48:35.000 So Holtzman was like an actor for it?

00:48:37.000 No!

00:48:38.000 No?

00:48:39.000 No.

00:48:39.000 Holtzman had no idea this was happening.

00:48:41.000 Yeah.

00:48:41.000 He wiped the guy's feet because he thought the guy was the king?

00:48:43.000 Eventually he was like, in my country you're supposed to wipe some of his feet.

00:48:45.000 And he had Holtzman, who used to open mics with him.

00:48:47.000 Oh my god.

00:48:48.000 So Holtzman didn't know?

00:48:49.000 Yeah.

00:48:50.000 Just full makeup, the accent.

00:48:52.000 The makeup's amazing.

00:48:53.000 And then he's wiping his feet and then he's just like, wow.

00:48:56.000 Those guys who put that crazy latex shit on your face when they can give you a fake nose and fake cheeks, like you can't tell.

00:49:03.000 You can't tell.

00:49:04.000 Especially not someone with vision problems.

00:49:06.000 Yeah.

00:49:07.000 And for that, I'm looking for it.

00:49:08.000 Yeah.

00:49:08.000 You ever hear about Jim Carrey after Man on the Moon?

00:49:11.000 No.

00:49:11.000 He got those people that did the makeup for him to look like...

00:49:14.000 Andy Kaufman.

00:49:14.000 Andy Kaufman and Zamuda.

00:49:16.000 Right.

00:49:17.000 Tony Clifton, right?

00:49:18.000 Yeah.

00:49:18.000 He got them to make him up as whatever and the rumors that I heard.

00:49:23.000 So I obviously have no idea.

00:49:24.000 Yeah.

00:49:25.000 Put him up in just makeup and then he drove a cab around and drove fares around just so we could hear what people are actually saying when they don't know it's Jim Carrey in the room.

00:49:35.000 Oh, wow.

00:49:36.000 Yeah.

00:49:37.000 Yeah, I could see when you become someone like Jim Carrey, it's got to be weird as fuck.

00:49:42.000 He probably wanted to go on a little vacation with a fake face.

00:49:44.000 Yeah.

00:49:45.000 Yeah.

00:49:47.000 If it was really easy to do, if it didn't take hours to apply, you'd probably want to do that just to see how everybody treats you.

00:49:54.000 Just being normal?

00:49:55.000 Yeah.

00:49:55.000 That's great.

00:49:56.000 What a good idea.

00:49:57.000 Especially if you're that big.

00:49:58.000 You can't go anywhere in the world.

00:50:00.000 Well, he's also now, he's become some new thing, right?

00:50:03.000 Psychedelic.

00:50:04.000 Yeah, he's not really an actor anymore.

00:50:07.000 He paints and talks about things, and he's into psychedelics.

00:50:12.000 Way in.

00:50:13.000 Like, everything he talks about is like, he doesn't mention the psychedelics.

00:50:17.000 He's still in stuff.

00:50:18.000 He's in that new Sonic the Hedgehog movie.

00:50:20.000 Yeah, I think he's still doing stuff.

00:50:21.000 He's in some TV show recently, too.

00:50:23.000 What is it?

00:50:24.000 Sonic the Hedgehog's your voice?

00:50:25.000 Is that what it is?

00:50:26.000 He's like the bad guy.

00:50:26.000 Oh, the voice?

00:50:27.000 No, he's a full human.

00:50:28.000 He's an actual human?

00:50:29.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:50:29.000 Oh, okay.

00:50:30.000 Oh, so it's a live movie?

00:50:31.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:50:32.000 It's a big controversy, but the trailer just came out today.

00:50:34.000 And he was on a TV show like a year ago.

00:50:36.000 Are the nerds mad that it's a movie?

00:50:37.000 They were mad, yeah.

00:50:38.000 Of course they'd be mad.

00:50:39.000 They can't be happy that they're making Sonic into a movie and getting Jim Carrey, one of the biggest actors in the world.

00:50:44.000 They're taking it seriously.

00:50:46.000 Yeah.

00:50:47.000 When would the nerds be okay when they hear movies coming out?

00:50:50.000 They're never okay with anything.

00:50:51.000 Batman, the first Batman with Michael Keaton, they were, I don't know, it seemed like they were happy.

00:50:55.000 I remember when there was one of the biggest controversy I ever heard about a role was when they were going to have Tom Cruise play in Interview with a Vampire.

00:51:03.000 Really?

00:51:04.000 Yeah, when he was the lead.

00:51:05.000 He was Lestat.

00:51:06.000 Why?

00:51:06.000 Because it was a beloved book?

00:51:07.000 Anne Rice did not want Tom Cruise to play Lestat.

00:51:11.000 He was like this super intense character in these excellent books.

00:51:15.000 You ever read those books?

00:51:16.000 Uh-uh.

00:51:16.000 They're very good.

00:51:19.000 And she, you know, had this vision for what her vampire king character was like.

00:51:26.000 What'd she want?

00:51:26.000 The lead in the vampire.

00:51:27.000 She wanted someone who was just more depth and intelligence and just someone who had more layers.

00:51:33.000 And she felt like Tom Cruise is like Top Gun.

00:51:35.000 You know what I mean?

00:51:36.000 Yeah.

00:51:36.000 He's like color of money.

00:51:37.000 But that little crazy fucking act his ass off.

00:51:40.000 What was that?

00:51:41.000 He can act his fucking ass off.

00:51:42.000 And he was really good in that movie.

00:51:44.000 I mean, he fucking nailed it.

00:51:47.000 Like, when he's like an angry vampire in that movie and he's yelling at that little girl, you're like, holy shit!

00:51:52.000 Like, I'm buying this madness.

00:51:54.000 He was excellent.

00:51:56.000 He's good for a long time.

00:51:57.000 Oh, he's good, dude.

00:51:58.000 He's fucking great.

00:51:59.000 He's crazy as fuck, but he's great.

00:52:01.000 He's gotta be.

00:52:03.000 He's hook, line, and sinker with the fucking sci-fi religion.

00:52:07.000 Yeah.

00:52:07.000 Sci-fi religion.

00:52:09.000 That's what it is.

00:52:10.000 But his acting is fucking still.

00:52:14.000 He can go for it, man.

00:52:17.000 What is that?

00:52:19.000 Edge of Tomorrow?

00:52:21.000 Yeah, that was the one where he lives over and over and over again.

00:52:23.000 People had already given up on him for the movie or two before, and then that movie came out and nobody saw it, but it was so fucking good.

00:52:29.000 So good.

00:52:30.000 That movie is so good.

00:52:31.000 That's one of the most underrated science fiction films of all time.

00:52:33.000 Living the same day, over and over again.

00:52:34.000 And every time I'd be like, no, because they would do this, and then they would cover that.

00:52:38.000 Like, oh yeah, okay, you're right.

00:52:39.000 Yeah, it's amazing.

00:52:41.000 I've been on rabbit holes for YouTube.

00:52:43.000 I've been on a rabbit hole of Groundhog Day.

00:52:46.000 It's like same thing, living the same day over and over again.

00:52:48.000 And one of them was how long did Bill Murray spend day after day?

00:52:53.000 It was a total amount of time.

00:52:56.000 What was a total amount of time?

00:52:57.000 They think it's a route because they were like, it's death.

00:52:59.000 He had to do it this many times.

00:53:01.000 It's bowling a perfect game, all these different things.

00:53:03.000 They said about 30 years of living the same day over and over again.

00:53:09.000 You know what I always used to think?

00:53:10.000 Yeah, and then you would do everything.

00:53:12.000 Yeah, as I was getting older, one of the things I thought was, like, why do I have this expectation that at some point in time, a person stops learning and growing?

00:53:21.000 Like, I never expected people in their 60s, like, being better people and learning more.

00:53:27.000 Like, they're done.

00:53:28.000 Yeah, they're done.

00:53:28.000 Whoever that guy is, he's done.

00:53:30.000 Because people do stop.

00:53:31.000 Right, but why?

00:53:32.000 So my thought was, like, why do I have these expectations for people?

00:53:35.000 Instead of just being open-minded.

00:53:37.000 I almost assume that when people hit a certain age, they're fucking done.

00:53:42.000 They throw in the towel.

00:53:44.000 But you do meet some people who don't do that, right?

00:53:46.000 Who are like taking an art class.

00:53:47.000 Somebody's mom or grandmother that's like, oh, I'm learning archery.

00:53:49.000 It's like, well, that's cool.

00:53:50.000 When Bourdain was 58 and he started getting seriously fucking into jiu-jitsu, like seriously into jiu-jitsu, I was like, look at you, motherfucker.

00:53:58.000 I love it.

00:53:58.000 Wow.

00:53:59.000 That's how you, I mean...

00:54:01.000 Loved it and went for it.

00:54:02.000 Like taking lessons, private lessons, every day for an hour and then training and rolling with people for an hour.

00:54:09.000 Every day.

00:54:10.000 Wow, really?

00:54:10.000 Seven days a week like heroin.

00:54:12.000 Like how he used to be addicted to heroin, he got addicted to jiu-jitsu.

00:54:16.000 All in.

00:54:16.000 Developed a six-pack.

00:54:18.000 Got jacked.

00:54:19.000 Dude.

00:54:20.000 Jacked.

00:54:21.000 There's a picture of him walking down the street in Italy.

00:54:24.000 Full-on six-pack.

00:54:26.000 I mean, you look at it like, this is the guy that I used to know that was on high cholesterol medication.

00:54:33.000 He was on statins.

00:54:35.000 Because of his diet.

00:54:36.000 Because he's on the road drinking wine, eating fucking this and that, and fatty foods, and a lot of sugar, and just drinking whatever the fuck he wants, right?

00:54:44.000 And he got fat.

00:54:46.000 You know, not fat, like a big fat guy, but he definitely developed like a little belly.

00:54:50.000 Then boom!

00:54:51.000 Yeah, that's what I'm saying.

00:54:52.000 He looks like Dan Bilzerian.

00:54:54.000 Dude, he got into jiu-jitsu and completely transformed his body.

00:54:58.000 Fuck!

00:54:58.000 Lost all the weight, stopped eating sugar, stopped eating carbs, started eating really healthy, cut way back on the drinking.

00:55:06.000 And developed a goddamn legitimate six-pack.

00:55:09.000 Super healthy.

00:55:10.000 It's going to live forever.

00:55:11.000 I think that's a seven-pack.

00:55:13.000 That bottom one is a solid one.

00:55:15.000 Oh, yeah.

00:55:15.000 So you've got one, two, three, four, five, six, seven.

00:55:17.000 That's a seven-pack.

00:55:19.000 People always like to say eight-pack, but I don't ever see a separation in that bottom one.

00:55:23.000 You've got to be like some kind of turtle person, you know?

00:55:27.000 Yeah, that's like a long one.

00:55:28.000 It's a tan line.

00:55:29.000 Point is, the dude transformed his fucking body.

00:55:33.000 He's throwing a lot of dick root there, though.

00:55:35.000 I'm not happy about that.

00:55:35.000 I mean, it's low hangers.

00:55:37.000 Pull up.

00:55:37.000 I think he bought those shorts like 20 pounds ago.

00:55:40.000 No.

00:55:41.000 Maybe.

00:55:41.000 It could be that.

00:55:42.000 Where'd you get that ball?

00:55:44.000 Where did I get that ball?

00:55:45.000 Oh, um...

00:55:46.000 Who brought that in?

00:55:48.000 Oh.

00:55:49.000 Dave LaDuke.

00:55:50.000 Who's Dave LaDuke?

00:55:51.000 Dave LaDuke is a Latwe champion.

00:55:54.000 He fights in the most brutal form of stand-up striking with a headbutt, and they soccer kick each other on the way down.

00:56:01.000 Where do you get that?

00:56:02.000 Thailand, probably?

00:56:03.000 Or Burma?

00:56:04.000 I think it was Myanmar.

00:56:07.000 Me and Marberma?

00:56:08.000 Yes.

00:56:08.000 Yeah, dude, they play these games there.

00:56:10.000 Yes, he showed us the game.

00:56:10.000 The volleyball games.

00:56:11.000 Yeah, that's one of those balls.

00:56:11.000 It's the best.

00:56:13.000 Oh my God.

00:56:14.000 Crazy, right?

00:56:14.000 They get above the net with just their leg.

00:56:18.000 And they play, first of all, barefoot most of the time.

00:56:21.000 I saw a guy play a one-on-three for money.

00:56:23.000 Oh my God.

00:56:24.000 He was amazing.

00:56:24.000 Is that good?

00:56:25.000 Yeah.

00:56:26.000 And these other guys were just laughing about it.

00:56:28.000 They were trying to fucking...

00:56:28.000 He was spiking it.

00:56:29.000 Spikes it down.

00:56:31.000 With his foot?

00:56:32.000 Yeah.

00:56:32.000 That was my second day in Yangon.

00:56:33.000 You're seeing this stuff and you're like, how are they doing this?

00:56:35.000 And barefoot on concrete.

00:56:37.000 I've seen it only on a dirt floor that they're barefoot.

00:56:40.000 That's a lot of dirt.

00:56:41.000 Barefoot on concrete too?

00:56:42.000 Wow.

00:56:43.000 It's nuts.

00:56:45.000 That is crazy.

00:56:45.000 It's so cool.

00:56:47.000 It's one of the coolest games I've ever seen.

00:56:48.000 And they keep it going.

00:56:49.000 They have circles where they just get going and they do the kick.

00:56:53.000 I mean, I'm sure you talked about it.

00:56:54.000 They do this, it's fine.

00:56:55.000 I get that.

00:56:55.000 But when it goes over your head, doing this.

00:56:58.000 So they hit this straight and know how to pop it right back up.

00:57:02.000 I've tried it a hundred times.

00:57:03.000 The best I can do is kick it that way.

00:57:05.000 I think it's one of those things that if your body doesn't develop throwing your legs around like that, it's really hard to do.

00:57:13.000 That was the thing about Taekwondo.

00:57:14.000 Like when I was teaching, you would get people that were like in their 30s.

00:57:18.000 It was really hard for them to learn it.

00:57:21.000 Really hard for them to get good.

00:57:23.000 So they can like whip their leg around.

00:57:24.000 But if you get those little kids, when they're like five and six, you get them to teach them how to whip their legs into things.

00:57:31.000 Here they go.

00:57:32.000 Oh my god, they're so good!

00:57:33.000 It's one verse three.

00:57:34.000 Oh, this is the one?

00:57:35.000 Well, I don't know if it's the one you saw, but this is a...

00:57:37.000 Yeah, you can use your head.

00:57:38.000 One verse three guy.

00:57:39.000 Well, this seems like these guys are fucking it up.

00:57:42.000 Well, they're also Americans.

00:57:43.000 Oh, they're Americans that are trying to play?

00:57:45.000 They're playing good, though!

00:57:46.000 Oh my god, look at him.

00:57:47.000 Oh, he fucked up.

00:57:48.000 Oh, you fucked up, loser, dork.

00:57:50.000 He's wearing a fucking helmet.

00:57:51.000 No, it's a bandana.

00:57:55.000 This is a wild game, though, man.

00:57:57.000 Very difficult to do.

00:57:57.000 Oh my god!

00:57:58.000 Ha ha!

00:57:59.000 You got beaten.

00:58:00.000 You're not better than everyone.

00:58:03.000 Yeah.

00:58:03.000 Stupid.

00:58:05.000 Anyway, killer game.

00:58:07.000 Yeah.

00:58:08.000 Oh, man.

00:58:09.000 If you could learn that, how to whip your legs around like that when you're like eight or nine years old, as you get older, you'll maintain that sort of leg dexterity.

00:58:18.000 Yeah.

00:58:18.000 I sent one of those back.

00:58:19.000 I have one of those in my apartment.

00:58:21.000 Oh, really?

00:58:22.000 Yeah, I sent it back.

00:58:22.000 I took it from Myanmar to Thailand, and then I was like, I need to send this to myself.

00:58:26.000 Back in New York?

00:58:28.000 Yeah.

00:58:29.000 And they're like, all right, we can get it there in two days.

00:58:30.000 I'm like, no, I don't need it there.

00:58:31.000 I'm like, slower than that.

00:58:33.000 What's cheaper?

00:58:34.000 They're like, I mean, a week?

00:58:35.000 I'm like, dude, I'm in no rush.

00:58:37.000 I won't be there for, like, months.

00:58:39.000 I'm like, we can get you there in three months for, like, $4.

00:58:41.000 And I'm like, yup, that's the one.

00:58:44.000 No rush on this.

00:58:44.000 That's the deal?

00:58:45.000 Three months for $4?

00:58:46.000 It was, like, so slow.

00:58:47.000 It was by Mule or something.

00:58:49.000 And I was like, I'm not there, so go ahead.

00:58:51.000 Somebody Mule-ed it away.

00:58:53.000 By Mule meaning someone stuffed in their house.

00:58:55.000 The whole fucking box.

00:58:58.000 It's a weird game.

00:59:00.000 That's one where you need a certain specific kind of athleticism.

00:59:07.000 Someone who's an outstanding basketball player or a football player, you're not going to be good at that.

00:59:12.000 That's not just pure athleticism.

00:59:14.000 That's a weird leg dexterity skill.

00:59:17.000 Oh my god.

00:59:18.000 How do they do it?

00:59:19.000 I mean, think about what I can throw a lot of crazy kicks.

00:59:22.000 I can't do what those guys are doing.

00:59:24.000 No.

00:59:24.000 I don't know how to do that.

00:59:25.000 I can kick over my head.

00:59:27.000 I can do a split.

00:59:28.000 Really?

00:59:28.000 I can do a lot of wild shit still.

00:59:30.000 You have to learn how to kick and forward.

00:59:31.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:59:31.000 You'd have to learn how to jump up and you're whipping down and kicking the thing down.

00:59:35.000 Yeah, you are trying to get a leg up.

00:59:36.000 But it's up and I think you'd have to be crazy flexible too.

00:59:41.000 It looks like you've got to be crazy flexible.

00:59:42.000 Like I'm watching their legs fly up.

00:59:44.000 There's no resistance at all.

00:59:45.000 Most people have a lot of resistance when you try to lift your leg up.

00:59:48.000 They're doing it all the time.

00:59:49.000 All the time.

00:59:50.000 Yeah.

00:59:51.000 When are you doing your next special?

00:59:52.000 I don't think I'm thinking about it.

00:59:54.000 Good.

00:59:54.000 I'm right now just writing.

00:59:56.000 Yeah.

00:59:57.000 Just enjoying performing.

00:59:59.000 And when I get the bug, when it feels like, hmm, this is there.

01:00:03.000 I want to, you know, I was thinking about, I actually talked about this with Malcolm Gladwell in the last podcast.

01:00:08.000 I was quoting Jeselnik.

01:00:11.000 Jeselnik, he has a three-year process.

01:00:12.000 He does it in the clubs just around LA, develops an hour.

01:00:16.000 Then he takes it on the road in clubs, and then he takes it on the road the next year in theater.

01:00:20.000 So it's a three-year process.

01:00:22.000 That might be the way to go.

01:00:24.000 Yeah, Louie had that, but not in the three-year, just like when he was doing them, like, you know, three months, four months, four months.

01:00:31.000 Yeah, he was doing a new special in a year.

01:00:35.000 Yeah.

01:00:35.000 Which I guess you could if that's all you did, and you just really dug into it.

01:00:39.000 But I think things need time to cook.

01:00:42.000 Also, I find there's some times where it's like, I watch Atel a lot in New York, and he's like, the best.

01:00:47.000 I was just saying that to Malcolm Gladwell too.

01:00:49.000 Really?

01:00:49.000 He was the guy that I said.

01:00:51.000 If there's one person who's at a super elite level where he doesn't get enough love, it's David Tell.

01:00:56.000 And it's like you see him on a regular basis and you're like, Jesus Christ.

01:00:59.000 He's just on a level above even the highest level people.

01:01:05.000 Super dedicated to only his craft.

01:01:07.000 He has zero promotion in him.

01:01:09.000 Yeah.

01:01:10.000 And so when he does a, he has a topical bit.

01:01:13.000 He's not thinking like, well, I don't have time to work on this for three weeks until people don't know the reference anymore.

01:01:18.000 Right.

01:01:19.000 Because I got to work on a special.

01:01:20.000 He's not thinking that way.

01:01:21.000 He's like, oh, I got three weeks with this fucking topic.

01:01:23.000 Right.

01:01:23.000 And so he hits it harder than anybody.

01:01:26.000 And then when people are starting to lose the memory of the topic, he just moves on.

01:01:31.000 Yeah.

01:01:31.000 But he's constantly having fun, though.

01:01:33.000 Right.

01:01:33.000 And doing new cool things.

01:01:35.000 Right.

01:01:35.000 He's also a guy who says the best example of someone who got better when they got sober.

01:01:40.000 Yeah.

01:01:41.000 Yeah.

01:01:42.000 The best example, right?

01:01:43.000 Because nobody else does.

01:01:45.000 Right.

01:01:46.000 Everybody else gets sober and then they get serious.

01:01:48.000 And it's like, oh, come on.

01:01:50.000 Yeah, exactly.

01:01:51.000 You can't have a sense of humor about anything anymore.

01:01:52.000 Come on.

01:01:53.000 That's the beautiful thing about podcasts, too.

01:01:55.000 One of the beautiful things is that you don't have to, like ideas that you have that aren't funny, you don't have to bring them to the stage.

01:02:01.000 They're fine on podcasts.

01:02:02.000 Yeah.

01:02:02.000 Yeah, they fit for that.

01:02:03.000 Yeah.

01:02:04.000 Because remember, there was a point in time after Hicks where a lot of people were trying to do bits on stage that meant something.

01:02:11.000 Yeah.

01:02:12.000 But you see them doing that, and you're like, okay, it's fine if you have that, but I just always feel like this.

01:02:17.000 Why are you not being funny?

01:02:19.000 Why are you pushing that, right?

01:02:20.000 Bill Hicks did it, and honestly, I have the same problem with him.

01:02:23.000 Hey, how dare you?

01:02:24.000 It's just so much not funny.

01:02:27.000 But...

01:02:28.000 But a lot funny too, man.

01:02:30.000 A lot funny.

01:02:30.000 He had some funny shit.

01:02:32.000 And you gotta also take it in the context of the time.

01:02:35.000 Right.

01:02:35.000 If you were alive back then and watching it back then, it would be really funny shit.

01:02:40.000 You know, when I saw him, it was like 90...

01:02:43.000 Yeah, you gotta put it in context of the time.

01:02:44.000 I just never got it, really.

01:02:45.000 Well, I saw him in like...

01:02:47.000 Deep talking.

01:02:47.000 The first time I saw him was like 88. But were you laughing when you heard it?

01:02:51.000 Or were you just like, whoa, yeah!

01:02:53.000 Right on, man.

01:02:54.000 Both.

01:02:54.000 Okay.

01:02:55.000 Both.

01:02:55.000 I was laughing, and I was saying, wow, this guy's...

01:02:59.000 He's out there.

01:03:00.000 Yeah.

01:03:00.000 He was, like, railing against capitalism and fucking Tiffany in the mall with Jimi Hendrix.

01:03:05.000 He had this crazy bit.

01:03:07.000 Like, Tiffany, like, think I'm alone now.

01:03:10.000 Running into Jimi Hendrix at the mall.

01:03:12.000 Yeah.

01:03:12.000 He just had all these, like, counterculture bits.

01:03:15.000 Yeah.

01:03:15.000 You know, a lot of it was mocking ridiculous trends in American culture.

01:03:19.000 He just had some...

01:03:21.000 Very, very unique takes on things that didn't necessarily fit with our idea of what we thought comedy was.

01:03:28.000 Like, you never thought, like, oh yeah, you make comedy out of that, too.

01:03:32.000 That's what he would do.

01:03:33.000 So he was, like, making comedy out of, like, weird ideas, like anti-war ideas, and he was doing stuff that other people weren't doing.

01:03:41.000 And it changed people's opinion of comedy, because there was something about when Hicks would go on stage, you would feel like, why?

01:03:47.000 Richard Jenny said this to me.

01:03:48.000 Richard Jenny back then was the master.

01:03:50.000 He was great.

01:03:51.000 He said, every time I see him, I say, why don't I write more shit like that?

01:03:55.000 That's what Jenny said to me after he saw Hicks.

01:03:58.000 He goes, I always think, why don't I write things like that?

01:04:01.000 Because he was so deep, Hicks.

01:04:02.000 Very deep.

01:04:03.000 And Jenny was just funny.

01:04:05.000 He was just writing funny things.

01:04:07.000 Isn't that weird when some master looks at somebody else and is like, oh, why can't I be more like that?

01:04:11.000 It's like, damn, you're not happy?

01:04:12.000 Well, Jenny was never happy.

01:04:14.000 Oh, yeah.

01:04:14.000 Good point.

01:04:15.000 He was a guy that, for whatever reason, thought that he had to be We're good to go.

01:04:44.000 Yeah, first time I saw him was 88, but I saw him a bunch of times.

01:04:47.000 But I saw him murder at the Comedy Works in Montreal.

01:04:52.000 You know, that room is like 100 people max, right?

01:04:54.000 Oh, that place, yeah.

01:04:55.000 Tiny-ass room upstairs.

01:04:56.000 He lit that fucking place on fire.

01:04:59.000 And I remember he was doing a bit about some guy trying to sell him a car, some car salesman selling him a car.

01:05:04.000 And I was like, this is like the most...

01:05:07.000 Standard blah premise.

01:05:09.000 How could he extract so much comedy out of someone selling him a car?

01:05:13.000 But it was like a murderous bit.

01:05:15.000 It was just crushing.

01:05:16.000 Just punchline after punchline.

01:05:18.000 Bang, bang, bang.

01:05:19.000 And you're like, fuck!

01:05:21.000 But again, it's like I've said this so many times about him.

01:05:25.000 You gotta be there in that moment.

01:05:27.000 Stand-up on TV is maybe 60% as funny as it is when you're seeing it live.

01:05:32.000 Maybe.

01:05:33.000 That's why people go, why are they laughing?

01:05:34.000 Because they're there.

01:05:35.000 It's funnier.

01:05:36.000 It's funnier when you're there.

01:05:38.000 Right?

01:05:38.000 Comedy Club is the funniest.

01:05:40.000 Theater, second.

01:05:41.000 Arenas.

01:05:42.000 Arena just gets crazy.

01:05:44.000 The arenas are weird.

01:05:44.000 It's like you're laughing, but it's also like, wow, how many fucking people are here?

01:05:48.000 There's like this weird feeling to it.

01:05:49.000 There's an extra energy to it.

01:05:51.000 Yeah.

01:05:51.000 But watching it...

01:05:53.000 So if you watch Richard Janney today and you go, I didn't think it was that funny.

01:05:56.000 Listen to me.

01:05:57.000 You gotta be in the room.

01:05:58.000 You have to be in the room.

01:05:59.000 And second of all, we're in 2019. Right.

01:06:02.000 This is 1990, right?

01:06:03.000 Wow, almost 30 years or 29 years ago.

01:06:05.000 I mean, the first time I watched him was, I think it was 92 or 93. On stage at the Comedy Works.

01:06:16.000 But the first time I saw him physically, I was an open-miker.

01:06:18.000 That was in 88. I paid to see him at Catch a Rising Star in Cambridge.

01:06:23.000 And it was a half-filled room.

01:06:25.000 It was like a Thursday night.

01:06:26.000 He was like a guy who had been on The Tonight Show.

01:06:28.000 And I knew him because he had been on The Tonight Show.

01:06:30.000 And you were a comic.

01:06:31.000 And I was a comic.

01:06:31.000 I was maybe a week in or something like that.

01:06:33.000 And I paid to go see him.

01:06:35.000 And me and my friend sat in the front row.

01:06:37.000 And he made fun of me.

01:06:38.000 He was excellent.

01:06:39.000 But he was great.

01:06:41.000 He was great.

01:06:42.000 And he was so casual and loose with his punchlines.

01:06:46.000 And I remember thinking, God damn, this fucking guy, he's got it made.

01:06:50.000 He's just traveling around the country doing stand-up.

01:06:53.000 But he didn't think that way.

01:06:54.000 He wanted to be a movie star.

01:06:58.000 You look at people and you're like, you know, you would have killed for your life and you're upset about it right now.

01:07:01.000 You would have killed for your life 20 years ago.

01:07:03.000 Oh my God.

01:07:04.000 I mean, forever, dude.

01:07:06.000 What I wanted to do from the time I was a beginner in 1988 was I wanted to make a living doing comedy.

01:07:12.000 After that, everything's gravy.

01:07:14.000 Everything's, exactly.

01:07:15.000 It's gravy.

01:07:16.000 And listen, I've lived in a shitty apartment.

01:07:18.000 The only thing that sucks about shitty apartments is bugs and crime.

01:07:22.000 Roommates.

01:07:22.000 That's it.

01:07:23.000 You get used to everything then.

01:07:24.000 You do.

01:07:24.000 It's fine.

01:07:25.000 You get used to everything.

01:07:25.000 It's really fine.

01:07:26.000 It takes like a week and then you're used to it.

01:07:28.000 Prison may be a little different, but if you've got freedom, if you're in a place, as long as your life's not being threatened and your fucking things aren't getting stolen, all that other stuff is mostly bullshit.

01:07:39.000 If your house has two bedrooms or four bedrooms...

01:07:41.000 You get used to it.

01:07:42.000 You get used to everything, man.

01:07:43.000 You ever hear the $88,000 theory?

01:07:45.000 Everything over $88,000.

01:07:47.000 Yeah, it does not improve your happiness.

01:07:49.000 Your happiness does improve with more money, up to $88,000.

01:07:53.000 That makes sense.

01:07:54.000 And then it's like, a new Lamborghini gives you the same happiness as a new, you know, BMW, as a new Honda.

01:08:01.000 It's like your new car.

01:08:02.000 The thing about a Lamborghini is you can't leave it anywhere.

01:08:05.000 You know?

01:08:06.000 That's the thing about those.

01:08:07.000 If you've got a stupid car like that, you don't just pull it up to the mall and park anywhere you want.

01:08:10.000 You feel weird.

01:08:12.000 You know?

01:08:15.000 I was driving down the Pacific Coast Highway, and this guy had a Lamborghini in his driveway, but he didn't have it in his garage.

01:08:22.000 He just had it parked in his driveway, and it was kind of like sticking out in the street.

01:08:25.000 People were whizzing by, wham, wham, in Malibu.

01:08:28.000 I'm like, what a weird thing Malibu is, where these houses that are on the fucking highway, like on the Pacific Coast Highway.

01:08:35.000 It's a highway, and there's a door that's five feet from a speeding car.

01:08:41.000 Yeah, I don't know how they get their car into those driveways.

01:08:43.000 Dude, they barely get in there without dying.

01:08:44.000 But then how do they get out?

01:08:45.000 Cars are flying by.

01:08:46.000 Yeah, it's 60 and they're just turned off.

01:08:49.000 And there's a ton of bars on that fucking road.

01:08:52.000 Yeah, I've driven drunk on that street.

01:08:54.000 I mean, you have never driven drunk.

01:08:58.000 I have allegedly never driven drunk.

01:09:00.000 No, no, no, never.

01:09:00.000 You've never driven drunk on that street.

01:09:02.000 When you see cars flying by.

01:09:04.000 That's where Mel Gibson, he set the tone.

01:09:06.000 We're all just following his footsteps.

01:09:08.000 He went on a crazy anti-Jew rant, right?

01:09:10.000 He sure did.

01:09:12.000 None of us cared.

01:09:13.000 The Jews.

01:09:14.000 We thought it was funny.

01:09:16.000 Well, it's just...

01:09:17.000 The worst one was the voicemails that the wife...

01:09:20.000 The hot tub?

01:09:21.000 The one who was like...

01:09:22.000 You got my hot tub, you suck my dick!

01:09:24.000 Yeah, that was great.

01:09:24.000 I'm a husband!

01:09:25.000 You should shut up and blow me!

01:09:27.000 But she felt...

01:09:28.000 I didn't want to support her ability to do that.

01:09:32.000 How does she do that?

01:09:34.000 How are you allowed to do that?

01:09:35.000 Do what?

01:09:35.000 It should be record someone's voicemails and then play it on the internet.

01:09:40.000 Yeah.

01:09:40.000 That should be really illegal.

01:09:44.000 Especially if you're married to Mel Gibson.

01:09:46.000 And he's drinking.

01:09:48.000 He's a fucking nice guy, man.

01:09:50.000 I met him when I came on with Dr. Neil Reardon.

01:09:52.000 Talk about stem cells.

01:09:53.000 Stem cells severely helped his father.

01:09:56.000 Stem cells kept my wife's neck to give me a blowjob!

01:09:59.000 Whoa.

01:10:00.000 I don't think that was on the tapes.

01:10:02.000 Okay.

01:10:04.000 I didn't listen to the whole podcast.

01:10:07.000 Blaming the Jews is a weird one.

01:10:09.000 It is a weird one.

01:10:09.000 It's a weird one.

01:10:10.000 It seems so antiquated.

01:10:14.000 That's your go-to thing is to blame the Jews.

01:10:16.000 Yeah.

01:10:17.000 Mexican taking our jobs is a lot more obvious.

01:10:19.000 But what jobs?

01:10:20.000 I know, I know.

01:10:21.000 Not that they're right, but it's more like...

01:10:23.000 I don't agree with that.

01:10:24.000 Okay, I can see it.

01:10:26.000 But the Jews, it really is a throwback thing, right?

01:10:28.000 It's a weird one.

01:10:29.000 It's a weird one.

01:10:30.000 Because it's almost always there's some sort of intoxicant or some sort of psychological issue.

01:10:36.000 Yeah.

01:10:37.000 It's always like when your default is go to the Jews.

01:10:39.000 The Jews!

01:10:40.000 How much have the Jews had an impact on your life?

01:10:43.000 I want to know.

01:10:44.000 Yeah.

01:10:44.000 I'm not saying that some people haven't had bad situations with people that happen to be Jewish.

01:10:50.000 But I want to know, if we could have a chart, show all the people that rally against the Jews, find out how many Jewish people have actually had a negative impact on your life.

01:10:58.000 What is the numbers?

01:11:00.000 I bet the numbers would be pretty goddamn low.

01:11:02.000 Mel Gibson would be like, the Jews are the ones who are holding my money back.

01:11:06.000 They're the producers.

01:11:07.000 Is that what he would say?

01:11:08.000 Maybe, because I'm saying that's what the Jews he's come in contact with.

01:11:11.000 Didn't he do Passions of Christ and make some ungodly sum of money?

01:11:15.000 I think he did that on a ballsy move, though.

01:11:18.000 I think one of the things he did was he took ownership of the film, so he financed it.

01:11:23.000 Passion Project.

01:11:24.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:11:25.000 Passion Films.

01:11:25.000 I think that's the case.

01:11:27.000 If I remember correctly, The Passion of the Christ, he's a very religious guy.

01:11:31.000 And his father is too.

01:11:32.000 Was too.

01:11:33.000 Yeah, right, right, right.

01:11:34.000 Nazi roots.

01:11:35.000 Very Catholic.

01:11:36.000 Oh, Nazi roots.

01:11:37.000 Maybe I'm thinking of Kennedy.

01:11:38.000 No, no, no.

01:11:38.000 I think you're thinking of Schwarzenegger.

01:11:40.000 Austria.

01:11:41.000 Yeah, maybe.

01:11:41.000 Yeah.

01:11:42.000 I don't think he has Nazi roots either, but maybe someone in the family.

01:11:45.000 Right, his dad.

01:11:46.000 Or grandfather.

01:11:47.000 His dad.

01:11:49.000 Yeah, somebody might have had some questions about the Holocaust.

01:11:52.000 I don't know if it was Mel Gibson's family.

01:11:53.000 Someone's family.

01:11:54.000 I don't know whose family it was.

01:11:56.000 I remember something.

01:11:58.000 I don't remember what it was.

01:12:01.000 So when he made Passion of Christ, he said, look, this means a lot to me.

01:12:06.000 I want to do this movie.

01:12:07.000 I'm going to just pump it.

01:12:08.000 And he had all that loot from Braveheart.

01:12:10.000 And he put his own money in?

01:12:11.000 Pretty sure.

01:12:12.000 Is that the case?

01:12:13.000 His production company spent $30 million to produce the show.

01:12:17.000 Whoa, that's a lot of money!

01:12:18.000 That's more than I'm spending on Ari Shafir Ju, taping February 8th at the Skirball Center in New York.

01:12:23.000 Get tickets at AriTheGreat.com right now for tickets.

01:12:26.000 That's a smooth segue.

01:12:29.000 Are you doing sets in town the week of that you're doing that too?

01:12:32.000 Yeah, I'll probably do other material those nights.

01:12:34.000 Oh, really?

01:12:35.000 You wouldn't want to run the set, like, constantly?

01:12:37.000 I've been running it for so long, so many times.

01:12:40.000 That's a good feeling, huh?

01:12:41.000 Yeah.

01:12:42.000 It's just in groove.

01:12:42.000 I did it last night at the store.

01:12:44.000 I was, like, three days out.

01:12:44.000 I was, like, hey, give me a belly room.

01:12:46.000 And she was, like, I have a main room.

01:12:47.000 I was, like, whatever.

01:12:48.000 I'll be 50 people in there.

01:12:49.000 So, yeah, I'm just running the shit out of it all the time.

01:12:51.000 Beautiful.

01:12:52.000 Yeah.

01:12:53.000 That's nice.

01:12:53.000 That's a good place to be where you just have it down.

01:12:56.000 Yeah.

01:12:57.000 That's nice.

01:12:58.000 The Skirball's a good place, too.

01:12:59.000 Well, we talked about it, where some of these synagogues were like...

01:13:02.000 I was back and bending over too much to make it work in a synagogue.

01:13:05.000 It would look cool to do it there.

01:13:07.000 I was worried about the sound.

01:13:08.000 Yeah.

01:13:08.000 I was worried about the height of the ceilings.

01:13:11.000 This place was massive.

01:13:12.000 Yeah.

01:13:12.000 Beautiful synagogue.

01:13:13.000 Oh, but...

01:13:15.000 Anyway, after agonizing over it, they came back a week later and were like, we don't want you to do it here.

01:13:19.000 So it didn't even matter.

01:13:21.000 But I already decided on the Skirball.

01:13:24.000 They probably Googled you.

01:13:25.000 Wolf shot there.

01:13:26.000 She said they were good shows.

01:13:27.000 She really liked that place.

01:13:29.000 Oh, at the synagogue?

01:13:30.000 No, no.

01:13:31.000 Oh, Skirball.

01:13:31.000 Yeah.

01:13:32.000 Yeah, so I'm excited about it.

01:13:34.000 I'm really excited about it.

01:13:35.000 Yeah, the Skirball's legit.

01:13:36.000 That's a spot that a lot of people perform at.

01:13:39.000 That's a time-tested spot.

01:13:41.000 You don't have to worry about that part of it.

01:13:42.000 Cool part of town, too.

01:13:43.000 Yeah, doing something in a synagogue, man, who knows if it's going to work?

01:13:46.000 What kind of sound are you going to have?

01:13:48.000 What kind of echoes are there going to be?

01:13:49.000 Are the people going to get in the audience?

01:13:50.000 Is it going to be weird when it comes through on the television?

01:13:53.000 Is it worth it?

01:13:54.000 Is it worth it?

01:13:55.000 That's what I had to agonize over.

01:13:56.000 What percentage worse might this be, the laughter, versus what do I gain from the look?

01:14:01.000 Two of the things you talked about that I think are very important.

01:14:03.000 One is to do it in New York.

01:14:05.000 I think that's huge.

01:14:05.000 It's a gigantic Jewish community.

01:14:07.000 It's where the Jews in America are.

01:14:10.000 Boston is maybe second, but not as prominent.

01:14:13.000 New York is where it's at.

01:14:14.000 And then on top of that, that's where you perform most of the time.

01:14:19.000 That's true, too.

01:14:19.000 I know these audiences.

01:14:21.000 And the Skirball?

01:14:23.000 Dude, come on, man.

01:14:24.000 You can't go wrong there.

01:14:25.000 Yeah, I'm pretty excited about it.

01:14:26.000 It's perfect.

01:14:27.000 Because the theme, once you get past what the theme is, people just want to hear the material.

01:14:32.000 It doesn't matter if you're in a synagogue.

01:14:34.000 Oh, okay.

01:14:34.000 So that's what I did.

01:14:35.000 Yeah.

01:14:35.000 But that's what I did with this thing.

01:14:36.000 So I was like, I'm going to work out all this shit, this theme stuff in clubs in New York and LA. Just regular club sets.

01:14:43.000 Funny.

01:14:43.000 Follow Big J talking about some relationship in the crowd or follow Bobby Lee doing whatever.

01:14:49.000 And then just like, I'll just do this.

01:14:51.000 And it has to be as funny as those guys.

01:14:53.000 Yeah.

01:14:53.000 With a theme.

01:14:54.000 I have to make people not notice a theme.

01:14:56.000 Yeah.

01:14:57.000 It has to be stand-up.

01:14:58.000 Yeah.

01:14:58.000 It's just stand-up and then that theme is on top of it.

01:15:00.000 But since it is that, it's like, oh yeah.

01:15:03.000 That's awesome.

01:15:04.000 So how much material do you have outside of it?

01:15:11.000 A year ago in Edinburgh, a year and three months or something like that, I did an add-on show after my last few shows were done, were sold out.

01:15:17.000 We did an add-on show in a tent and I was like, this will be the next specials material.

01:15:22.000 I just ran all my levels.

01:15:23.000 The problem is I go crazy with just this theme shit.

01:15:27.000 It's annoying after a while.

01:15:29.000 Right, you don't want to talk about one subject anymore.

01:15:32.000 Bits come because your mind pops off.

01:15:35.000 You see something.

01:15:35.000 You see a homeless guy picking shit out of his ass.

01:15:37.000 You're like, alright, this is a bit.

01:15:39.000 Or that lady on Sunset.

01:15:40.000 Every comic at the store had a bit about that lady dancing in the street on Sunset.

01:15:44.000 Because they all felt like they just are, even though she was posted up there.

01:15:48.000 Things make your mind pop off.

01:15:49.000 So I still had that.

01:15:50.000 And I'm like, well, I've got to do this for a week.

01:15:53.000 I get rid of that.

01:15:55.000 And then when I'm done, I express myself, shit like that, then I get back to the material.

01:16:00.000 So November what?

01:16:01.000 What's the date?

01:16:02.000 February 8th.

01:16:04.000 And it's arithegreat.com?

01:16:05.000 arithegreat.com, yeah.

01:16:07.000 Yeah, tickets are available right now?

01:16:09.000 Right now.

01:16:09.000 I'm telling everybody right now, today.

01:16:11.000 That's why I came out to fucking LA. February 8th, is that what you said?

01:16:16.000 February 8th, Manhattan, New York.

01:16:17.000 Beautiful.

01:16:18.000 That's plenty of time, you fucks.

01:16:19.000 Get your shit together.

01:16:20.000 Get your shit together, make your plans.

01:16:22.000 And don't dose Ari as payback, either.

01:16:25.000 No, that can't happen again.

01:16:26.000 I know you're plotting.

01:16:29.000 I know what we'll do right before a special.

01:16:31.000 Switch his water bottle around.

01:16:34.000 Like if I had a water bottle.

01:16:36.000 That'd be crazy to get the exact same water bottle and switch it like an old spy.

01:16:40.000 Are you and Bert cool?

01:16:41.000 Did everything...

01:16:41.000 Yeah, we're alright.

01:16:42.000 That's right.

01:16:43.000 Yeah, we're fine.

01:16:44.000 Yeah.

01:16:44.000 It was a tough month.

01:16:46.000 Yeah.

01:16:46.000 It was a rough one.

01:16:48.000 It got weird.

01:16:49.000 Yeah.

01:16:50.000 Yeah.

01:16:51.000 Yeah.

01:16:52.000 I think the lesson is don't ghost anybody, but...

01:16:54.000 Yeah, that's definitely the lesson.

01:16:55.000 You know, but I mean definitely do give free drugs to people, but...

01:16:59.000 But only if they ask for it.

01:17:01.000 Yeah.

01:17:03.000 That's more trouble than I thought it would be.

01:17:05.000 Plus, you didn't take into consideration that he's on medication either.

01:17:09.000 That's the big one.

01:17:10.000 I did not take into consideration.

01:17:13.000 There's a bunch of issues there.

01:17:15.000 Oh, well.

01:17:16.000 You live, you learn.

01:17:17.000 Everything worked out.

01:17:18.000 You live, you learn.

01:17:21.000 I'm just never allowed in this home again.

01:17:22.000 It's his newfound zest for life that has given him this ability to put out that promo.

01:17:27.000 What drugs have you been on since the...

01:17:29.000 Just pot.

01:17:30.000 Just pot?

01:17:31.000 Yeah.

01:17:31.000 Booze?

01:17:32.000 Oh yeah, booze.

01:17:33.000 Yeah.

01:17:33.000 Booze and pot.

01:17:34.000 Yeah.

01:17:35.000 I think me too.

01:17:36.000 No.

01:17:37.000 No, I took some Molly.

01:17:38.000 A little bit.

01:17:40.000 Just a little bit?

01:17:40.000 Yeah.

01:17:41.000 Just a dance on.

01:17:44.000 But that's it.

01:17:45.000 How do you feel?

01:17:45.000 I feel good.

01:17:46.000 Yeah, me too.

01:17:47.000 But I felt good sober, too.

01:17:48.000 Yeah, me too.

01:17:49.000 I enjoyed it.

01:17:49.000 That's what I meant.

01:17:50.000 How do you feel being sober for the month?

01:17:51.000 I enjoy it.

01:17:52.000 I enjoy that there's no choice.

01:17:55.000 Like, sometimes I wanted a glass of wine with a steak.

01:17:57.000 Yeah.

01:17:58.000 But the reality is it doesn't matter.

01:17:59.000 I don't really need it.

01:18:01.000 It doesn't really make that much of a difference.

01:18:03.000 But like, yeah, no, you don't need it.

01:18:06.000 I mean, you can't enjoy the things out of life.

01:18:07.000 Like, we smoke pot here, but it's like, what if we don't have any pot?

01:18:10.000 It's like, it's all right, we'll still do the podcast.

01:18:11.000 Yeah, for sure.

01:18:12.000 But we also really liked it.

01:18:12.000 Yeah, we like it, too.

01:18:14.000 The thing about alcohol, though, versus pot, is you pay a price.

01:18:18.000 Yeah.

01:18:19.000 You probably pay a price.

01:18:19.000 Not for a glass of wine or two beers.

01:18:22.000 No.

01:18:23.000 You pay a small price for a glass of wine or two beers.

01:18:27.000 Small price.

01:18:28.000 It's very small.

01:18:29.000 You might not notice it.

01:18:30.000 Maybe it's a quarter.

01:18:30.000 Worth it.

01:18:31.000 But if you have like three drinks, you pay a few dollars.

01:18:35.000 You're going to lose a feeling.

01:18:36.000 You're going to lose a step.

01:18:38.000 Yeah.

01:18:38.000 It's a fact.

01:18:39.000 It's a fact.

01:18:40.000 If you get hammered, if you drink like seven, eight drinks, you get drunk, the next day you're going to feel like shit.

01:18:46.000 You're not going to perform as well.

01:18:47.000 That's true.

01:18:47.000 But also that day, if you're with friends drinking, it also feels really good.

01:18:51.000 Might be worth it.

01:18:52.000 Yeah.

01:18:52.000 Have a good time with your friends, getting a little loopy.

01:18:54.000 Yeah.

01:18:55.000 That's a good point.

01:18:56.000 That's where I miss it the most.

01:18:57.000 Not in moments.

01:18:58.000 I didn't miss the drug.

01:18:59.000 I missed the drug enhancing a moment that it should have been.

01:19:01.000 Yankee games.

01:19:02.000 My brother coming to town.

01:19:04.000 A glass of wine at an Italian meal.

01:19:07.000 You know, where it's like, they want the wine.

01:19:08.000 Once I have the Italian meal, it's like, oh, wine would be great here.

01:19:12.000 Yeah, for sure.

01:19:14.000 Yeah, it's like, it's a technology.

01:19:16.000 They figured out how to alter your state predictably with a small glass of liquid.

01:19:21.000 It's pretty great.

01:19:22.000 It's pretty amazing.

01:19:23.000 The first few days I was struggling.

01:19:25.000 I passed by locked cabinets of liquor at hotels.

01:19:28.000 But it's like everything else, right?

01:19:31.000 You can abuse virtually everything that everybody enjoys, whether it's food or sex or anything, or electronics or anything.

01:19:39.000 Television.

01:19:40.000 There's some people that watch television 12 fucking hours a day.

01:19:44.000 They just sit in front of the TV and watch TV all day.

01:19:46.000 What do you do to limit yourself on there?

01:19:47.000 On TV? No, on that fucking stupid thing.

01:19:50.000 I've been really good with it lately.

01:19:51.000 What I mostly do is, the one thing that I do trick myself with, like I said, is those Google stories.

01:19:57.000 I read news stories.

01:19:59.000 And then I wind up reading, like, scientific stories about, like, fucking space and all these different things.

01:20:04.000 A, because it's interesting, and two, because I'm getting to look at my phone.

01:20:08.000 So it's like, I'm tricking myself into saying, oh, this is, but this is, like, crucial information I need to have.

01:20:13.000 Like, I can get this at home.

01:20:14.000 But also it's because of the feeling, I need to check this, I need to check this.

01:20:17.000 Tate said he got banned for three days on Instagram for something, you know, that shit happens.

01:20:21.000 He said...

01:20:21.000 During that time, he was banned, where he's like, oh, I'm banned for sure.

01:20:24.000 He checked his phone like 72 times, checked his Instagram.

01:20:27.000 He's like, no, I'm still banned.

01:20:28.000 Like, just reflexively, we end up going to that.

01:20:30.000 Oh, wow.

01:20:31.000 Because of the lights and colors or whatever.

01:20:32.000 I don't know, but...

01:20:33.000 It's not good for you.

01:20:35.000 The parental control, it shuts it off.

01:20:37.000 After I use it for an hour, whatever you want to set it to.

01:20:40.000 My girlfriend put the code on there, so I can't override it.

01:20:44.000 Even if I need to, if I need to promote something big, I need to be on there all day, I would tell her to take it off.

01:20:50.000 Otherwise, once I hit her, it says, you've got five minutes left.

01:20:52.000 If you're going to make a post about a show, do it fucking now.

01:20:55.000 Right.

01:20:55.000 And then you're done.

01:20:56.000 Then it's over.

01:20:57.000 Yeah.

01:20:57.000 And so it's like...

01:20:58.000 And then I end up using it a little less because I don't want to waste that hour in case, let's say, I want to post something later.

01:21:04.000 Right.

01:21:04.000 Or I want to get on there.

01:21:05.000 So I want to save some time.

01:21:06.000 And then I end up only using it for whatever.

01:21:08.000 But...

01:21:08.000 I need that parental control.

01:21:10.000 It's very rare that I really do need to answer emails on my phone.

01:21:13.000 Rarely!

01:21:14.000 And you can do it an hour a day and just get it all done.

01:21:16.000 Right, or do it on your computer only.

01:21:17.000 The only time is, like, say if you were in the middle of a deal, like you were about to sign a deal for your special and you're going back and forth with lawyers and all that.

01:21:24.000 Yeah, February 8th, the Skirball.

01:21:24.000 The Skirball, February 8th, it's called G. AriTheGreat.com, yeah.

01:21:27.000 You can get tickets right now.

01:21:28.000 But if you were going to do that, that kind of makes sense.

01:21:31.000 You would check your phone during the day.

01:21:33.000 Right, if you have to.

01:21:34.000 But most of the time, no.

01:21:35.000 I check in in the morning just to make sure there's not some nonsense that I forgot I have to do during the day.

01:21:40.000 And then I try not to check my email at all until I start doing podcast ads.

01:21:44.000 Okay, so one thing I would say for that is what I like is not checking it for the first, and I fail, first hour or two of the day.

01:21:52.000 That's good, too, right?

01:21:53.000 That's my best thinking time.

01:21:55.000 Don't even look at your phone.

01:22:03.000 Like, don't touch it.

01:22:04.000 You know, my favorite thing to do, and I've only done this a couple of times, legitimately, is don't look at my phone at all and go right to yoga class.

01:22:10.000 Great, and then your mind's racing.

01:22:11.000 Then your mind's racing.

01:22:12.000 Before I even see it.

01:22:14.000 Before I even see it.

01:22:15.000 Yeah, the whole night.

01:22:15.000 Instead of bogging it down and like, does this deal sound good for this club?

01:22:19.000 And what do you think for t-shirts?

01:22:21.000 It's just like, just let your mind wander when it's supposed to.

01:22:24.000 No one else?

01:22:24.000 What?

01:22:25.000 Get high as fuck before yoga.

01:22:26.000 Get high as fuck.

01:22:27.000 Yeah.

01:22:27.000 Don't look at your phone.

01:22:28.000 Get high as fuck before yoga.

01:22:29.000 You come out of there a different person from another dimension.

01:22:32.000 A different hole in the time-space continuum.

01:22:35.000 You just drop out of there.

01:22:37.000 You start thinking.

01:22:38.000 Change your universe.

01:22:39.000 Change your life.

01:22:41.000 You ever space out when you're doing a back-on-your-back thing and then all of a sudden you come to and you're like, not asleep, just out of it.

01:22:48.000 Everyone's standing up and you're like, oh, sorry.

01:22:51.000 Catch up.

01:22:52.000 How long was I out?

01:22:53.000 Yeah, you can get zoned out, man.

01:22:55.000 You're messing with your consciousness when you're doing that.

01:22:57.000 You're holding those poses and breathing.

01:22:58.000 You're messing with your consciousness.

01:23:00.000 And I say that in a good way.

01:23:02.000 They did a new Netflix special about that Bikram guy.

01:23:06.000 Really?

01:23:06.000 Yeah, I haven't seen it, but I saw there's ads.

01:23:09.000 A lot of people are changing the name of their yoga class.

01:23:12.000 I know the one I went to two years ago.

01:23:14.000 Yeah, they're just calling it Hot Yoga.

01:23:15.000 Three years ago.

01:23:15.000 Yeah, she was like, yeah, because nobody wants to be associated with that.

01:23:18.000 They're hippies.

01:23:19.000 That guy's a full rapist.

01:23:20.000 He definitely has some issues.

01:23:23.000 Why would that rape those women?

01:23:25.000 Women would pay a million dollars for one drop of my sperm.

01:23:27.000 One drop of my sperm.

01:23:29.000 Yeah.

01:23:29.000 Why would I rape?

01:23:30.000 One drop of my sperm.

01:23:33.000 Yogi Guru Predator.

01:23:34.000 I like how he has a bunch of Rolls Royces.

01:23:36.000 That's my favorite part.

01:23:38.000 And he does yoga with a Rolex on.

01:23:40.000 Holla.

01:23:41.000 Do you think that's on his card?

01:23:42.000 Yogi Guru Predator?

01:23:44.000 Now it is.

01:23:45.000 Now probably.

01:23:46.000 Now they probably put it on there.

01:23:47.000 He's a fucking character, man.

01:23:49.000 In the worst way possible, but he's definitely a character.

01:23:51.000 Why the hell out there from that lady?

01:23:53.000 He's a thing, man.

01:23:54.000 When you're around a bunch of these freaky people...

01:23:58.000 I'll see that movie.

01:23:59.000 When you're around a bunch of these freaky people and everybody's half naked and you're the guy who's the one who teaches them how to do yoga.

01:24:04.000 Yeah.

01:24:05.000 You're the master.

01:24:06.000 You get to fuck.

01:24:07.000 Dude, isn't it weird when you see somebody who went all in with yoga?

01:24:10.000 Oh yeah, it's weird.

01:24:11.000 Like they shaved their heads.

01:24:12.000 Oh yeah.

01:24:12.000 They only wear the yoga pants.

01:24:13.000 Like that is their being.

01:24:15.000 What if that's what I started wearing yoga pants everywhere?

01:24:17.000 Oh.

01:24:18.000 I'd be like, oh, Joe went yoga Joe.

01:24:20.000 Well, I already wear a fanny pack.

01:24:22.000 What would be the problem?

01:24:23.000 That's a far different world than a yoga Joe.

01:24:25.000 What?

01:24:26.000 With a Bikram t-shirt on.

01:24:27.000 If you're allowed to wear a Bikram t-shirt, you gotta wear it now, right?

01:24:31.000 Quick, before that movie comes out.

01:24:32.000 I think the special's out, this Netflix documentary, I think it's out.

01:24:36.000 Is that the new stand-up special?

01:24:36.000 People don't know about it yet.

01:24:38.000 They're really going broad?

01:24:39.000 It's after Paul Rudd.

01:24:40.000 They just went right to Bikram.

01:24:43.000 One drop of my sperm.

01:24:45.000 Women spend one million dollars.

01:24:48.000 I'd be like, show me one woman who spent a million dollars on your sperm.

01:24:51.000 You only get one drop?

01:24:52.000 That's all you get for a million?

01:24:53.000 You don't get a whole load?

01:24:54.000 I know someone who runs a yoga studio and that was the fucking final nail in the coffin.

01:24:57.000 When he said that?

01:24:58.000 Yeah.

01:24:58.000 One drop of my sperm.

01:25:00.000 They're like, alright, changing the name.

01:25:03.000 It's so crazy.

01:25:04.000 But I think back when he started getting crazy, right?

01:25:08.000 How old is he now?

01:25:09.000 78. Is that how old?

01:25:11.000 He's probably pretty fucking old, right?

01:25:12.000 240. Back when he first came here in the 80s, and they're like doing...

01:25:16.000 You remember girls wear like scrunchie socks, and it was...

01:25:20.000 You remember like Olivia Newton-John, Let's Get Physical?

01:25:24.000 Let's get...

01:25:24.000 Physical!

01:25:25.000 They were taking aerobics classes, buying those Reeboks aerobics shoes with the Velcro.

01:25:31.000 Everybody had those.

01:25:32.000 The socks had a little poofy ball in the back sometimes.

01:25:34.000 Oh, that's right.

01:25:34.000 The little poofy ball with the sock.

01:25:36.000 I forgot about that.

01:25:37.000 That was when that dude started slinging.

01:25:40.000 So he came over here from India.

01:25:42.000 Shorts with leggings underneath.

01:25:43.000 Oh, that's right.

01:25:44.000 That's right.

01:25:45.000 Shorts with leggings.

01:25:45.000 Tan colored leggings.

01:25:46.000 Yep.

01:25:47.000 So he came over here from India and started teaching and just letting the old snake out of the basket.

01:25:57.000 Is that racist?

01:25:59.000 To make like Indian music sounds and say he took the snake out of the basket?

01:26:04.000 Insinuating his cock, but yet he's a snake charmer.

01:26:07.000 Oh, okay.

01:26:07.000 Because a lot of Indians are snake charmers.

01:26:09.000 I want to know if I'm racist there.

01:26:11.000 You definitely got, joke-wise, you got two levels.

01:26:14.000 So joke-wise, you're clean.

01:26:15.000 Yeah, it's okay.

01:26:16.000 Yeah, and the structure's great.

01:26:18.000 Is it racist?

01:26:19.000 Because that's the...

01:26:20.000 Because I make the noise, too.

01:26:21.000 Right, right, right.

01:26:22.000 Because if you say something about someone from China and you're going...

01:26:26.000 Yeah, then racist.

01:26:28.000 People go, oh my God, you're racist.

01:26:29.000 Okay, well, definitely I would say there is an argument for racist.

01:26:34.000 But now let's see how valid that argument is.

01:26:39.000 Yeah, maybe...

01:26:41.000 But that's not all Indians.

01:26:42.000 If you were super woke, you could go in on me.

01:26:44.000 Oh, yeah.

01:26:45.000 Yeah, if you were really woke, you could take a swing.

01:26:51.000 It's like, you know who have fucking...

01:26:54.000 That's the woke swing.

01:26:57.000 Do you know who fucking never, never gets stood up for?

01:27:00.000 It's fat white guys.

01:27:02.000 You can shit on fat white guys.

01:27:05.000 They're not even human.

01:27:06.000 Nobody gives a fuck about the way they feel.

01:27:08.000 That was me.

01:27:10.000 I would say please do.

01:27:12.000 Oh, you're talking about Burt?

01:27:13.000 No, I was not.

01:27:15.000 He's not fat anymore.

01:27:16.000 He's not obese anymore.

01:27:17.000 He lost a lot of weight.

01:27:18.000 He's just overweight.

01:27:19.000 He lost a lot of weight.

01:27:20.000 A lot of weight.

01:27:20.000 He looks good.

01:27:21.000 He looks very good.

01:27:22.000 There's only one guy now who does not look good.

01:27:25.000 Tom?

01:27:26.000 Did you say Tom?

01:27:27.000 No, I heard you say Tom.

01:27:28.000 I didn't say Tom.

01:27:29.000 Wow, I don't remember even saying it.

01:27:30.000 I was asking a question.

01:27:30.000 He looks fine to me.

01:27:32.000 Maybe you got a different filter.

01:27:34.000 How dare you?

01:27:36.000 He's bigger than Burt.

01:27:37.000 He's bigger than Burt.

01:27:38.000 Is he really?

01:27:38.000 Oh, yeah.

01:27:40.000 Wow, Burt's winning now.

01:27:41.000 Yeah.

01:27:42.000 Well, I told Bert if he makes 205, he gets the belt.

01:27:45.000 Oh, at any point.

01:27:46.000 I text any time.

01:27:48.000 I text him two weeks out.

01:27:49.000 I go, are you going to make the weight?

01:27:50.000 He's like, oh, I don't think so.

01:27:51.000 I've been on the road.

01:27:52.000 I go, come on, pussy.

01:27:53.000 How much do you weigh?

01:27:54.000 I go, dude, there's guys who weigh 235 on Tuesday and they fight on Saturday at 205. Yeah, you can cut that.

01:28:01.000 They cut the weight.

01:28:02.000 Yeah.

01:28:03.000 I would love to see the fucking fat foals hangover.

01:28:06.000 Did you guys see this?

01:28:07.000 No, no, no.

01:28:07.000 This guy was...

01:28:08.000 This is a wrestler.

01:28:10.000 That guy's very big.

01:28:11.000 Ranting in a ring.

01:28:12.000 I think he's in Australia.

01:28:13.000 What's he ranting about?

01:28:14.000 He's like...

01:28:15.000 Look, Big J's in the background.

01:28:16.000 Talking shit to the crowd.

01:28:19.000 For those that are watching, you can't see this, but there's like 10, 15, 20 people there.

01:28:24.000 I just want to skip ahead to the end here.

01:28:26.000 What's happening?

01:28:27.000 He's being the heel.

01:28:28.000 He's great.

01:28:30.000 Oh, hold on.

01:28:30.000 What is he?

01:28:32.000 There's a guy that yells out.

01:28:33.000 He calls him Tom Segura.

01:28:35.000 I don't know if Steve Brown wants to bring hockey up on this broadcast.

01:28:39.000 Sorry, I fucked up.

01:28:41.000 That's all right.

01:28:41.000 Play it back.

01:28:42.000 We'll find it.

01:28:43.000 Yeah.

01:28:44.000 No, I enjoy your failure.

01:28:45.000 Keep going.

01:28:46.000 Thanks.

01:28:46.000 Have you guys heard of it?

01:28:48.000 Yeah!

01:28:49.000 Yeah, we heard of it when we watched them draw make-believe on the TV. They're pretty good.

01:28:54.000 Doug Gilmore's my favorite scorer!

01:28:56.000 Yeah, guys, you're watching a VHS. Doug Gilmore's not on the team anymore.

01:29:00.000 Hey, Tom Segura, wrap it up!

01:29:05.000 Oh, that's hilarious.

01:29:08.000 Hey, Tom Segura, wrap it up.

01:29:09.000 Random rule for Canada.

01:29:11.000 That might not have actually been said.

01:29:13.000 It sounds like someone inserted that sound.

01:29:16.000 Oh, maybe.

01:29:18.000 I'm not buying it.

01:29:19.000 Oh, yeah, good point.

01:29:22.000 I know what they're doing.

01:29:23.000 They found some guy doing that and some other guy doing that.

01:29:26.000 Let me hear that again.

01:29:27.000 Play it again.

01:29:28.000 That might be right.

01:29:29.000 That might be crazy.

01:29:31.000 I'm from a real city.

01:29:32.000 It's called Toronto.

01:29:34.000 Have you guys heard of it?

01:29:35.000 Yeah, we heard of it when we watched Toronto Maple Leafs on the TV. They're pretty good.

01:29:41.000 Oh, that's it.

01:29:42.000 Because you're still talking.

01:29:43.000 Here we go.

01:29:45.000 Hey, how was it?

01:29:50.000 I don't buy that.

01:29:51.000 That sounds like that's in an echoey room.

01:29:53.000 That sounds like that guy did in his bathroom.

01:29:55.000 Yeah.

01:29:55.000 His mom's like, why are you screaming down here, Jimmy?

01:29:58.000 In the wind.

01:29:59.000 Why are you screaming, Jimmy?

01:30:02.000 I'm not buying it.

01:30:03.000 It says no gimmicks.

01:30:05.000 Well, that's what I would say.

01:30:07.000 It says this according to the website that it's on.

01:30:09.000 It says no gimmicks.

01:30:10.000 I would say no gimmicks as well.

01:30:12.000 That'd be a good way to do a good gimmick.

01:30:15.000 Yeah.

01:30:15.000 The law is not strict on the no gimmicks claim.

01:30:18.000 Bro, that's a lonely road, right?

01:30:20.000 We were talking about the road of being a stand-up, traveling and doing stand-up.

01:30:24.000 Being a pro wrestler that nobody knows, like trying to make it on the circuit.

01:30:28.000 Like doing what that guy was doing.

01:30:30.000 That's rough.

01:30:31.000 That's tough.

01:30:32.000 That's rough.

01:30:33.000 Cole Cabana, you ever talk to him?

01:30:34.000 No.

01:30:35.000 Yeah, he's like a legit wrestler wrestler.

01:30:37.000 Just on the road all the time.

01:30:39.000 It's hard, right?

01:30:40.000 Yeah.

01:30:41.000 Is your friend Tommy still bowling professionally?

01:30:43.000 No, his legs are shot out.

01:30:44.000 His knees are shot out.

01:30:45.000 From bowling?

01:30:46.000 From bowling, yeah, I guess so.

01:30:47.000 Jesus Christ.

01:30:48.000 We used to be cavemen.

01:30:50.000 We used to be able to fight off Sabertooth Tigers and neighboring tribes.

01:30:53.000 Dude, he was ranked fifth in the world in bowling.

01:30:55.000 This is how great stand-up is right now.

01:30:57.000 He was ranked fifth in the world in bowling, and he made $35,000 that year.

01:31:00.000 That's a good year.

01:31:02.000 That's a good year for a bowler.

01:31:03.000 There he is, with you behind him.

01:31:05.000 Yeah, that always comes up on Reddit, because of that sign.

01:31:08.000 So, his knees are shot from bowling?

01:31:13.000 I think so.

01:31:15.000 I don't know.

01:31:16.000 What do you do in bowling that makes your knees go?

01:31:19.000 Let's see.

01:31:19.000 Let's try to wind it out here.

01:31:22.000 Okay, here we go.

01:31:23.000 Bar it.

01:31:24.000 There's like that torque, I think, probably.

01:31:25.000 Oh, okay.

01:31:27.000 Yeah, I guess.

01:31:28.000 Right, yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:31:29.000 That makes sense.

01:31:30.000 If you twist harder, you probably torque harder.

01:31:32.000 But you're on those slidey shoes.

01:31:34.000 You're on the slidey shoes.

01:31:35.000 You slide in.

01:31:36.000 Maybe that's part of the problem, right?

01:31:38.000 Slidey shoes?

01:31:38.000 You're trying to get grip with your muscles.

01:31:40.000 I do know there's some pros that play into their 40s and 50s.

01:31:44.000 It seems like slidey shoes wouldn't be the way to go if I didn't know better.

01:31:49.000 You don't want to stop short.

01:31:51.000 But I'm saying I do know that slidey shoes are the way to go because the pros use them.

01:31:56.000 They're not stupid.

01:31:57.000 But I would think that if you had more grip, you could wing the ball harder.

01:32:02.000 Oh, I see what you're saying.

01:32:03.000 I think it's the movement they got going, the speed they got.

01:32:06.000 There's like a momentum and a whip.

01:32:08.000 Yeah.

01:32:09.000 So, yeah.

01:32:10.000 Let's watch some strikes.

01:32:11.000 So, it almost all says it's arm injuries except for MCL. Oh, him?

01:32:15.000 He has arm injuries?

01:32:16.000 No, no.

01:32:16.000 Like, just common bowling injuries.

01:32:17.000 The arm I can see throwing this out.

01:32:20.000 Yeah.

01:32:21.000 Do you know how many fucking Marines are laughing right now?

01:32:25.000 Bowling!

01:32:26.000 They don't have the guts to step into the lanes.

01:32:29.000 Burrow fucking bowling!

01:32:33.000 You've been to Afghanistan, but have you been to hard work lanes over on the third?

01:32:36.000 Ooh, that's a hard lane.

01:32:38.000 There's a lot of dips.

01:32:40.000 A lot of dips.

01:32:41.000 They don't grease up the rails.

01:32:42.000 You know what it is?

01:32:43.000 The floor.

01:32:44.000 You know, balls will carve a groove.

01:32:49.000 You've got to find the groove.

01:32:50.000 So he says, so here's how the tournament works.

01:32:53.000 You play the whole week, and the top five go into the tournament.

01:32:57.000 Starts with, fifth plays fourth, the winner of that plays third, the winner of that plays second, the winner of that plays first for the championship.

01:33:03.000 So if you're in first place for the week, you have to play one game.

01:33:06.000 If a lefty is in the fourth, fifth game, if that lefty wins, he's already set a groove that only he's going to be in.

01:33:14.000 Whereas the righty has to use the other guy's groove, and so it's like he's not set in his own, the lefty will go all the way and win.

01:33:19.000 Wow.

01:33:20.000 And it's because of the oil on the road?

01:33:22.000 It's because they've grooved up the fucking lane.

01:33:24.000 Their way exactly.

01:33:25.000 No one's fucked it up.

01:33:26.000 Two righties are like, I don't remember using each other's groove.

01:33:29.000 It's a great game for six-year-olds.

01:33:30.000 That's what it is.

01:33:31.000 It's like pool if you only broke the balls.

01:33:34.000 And people get mad at me.

01:33:35.000 How can you say that?

01:33:36.000 Put boings to scale with the blah, blah.

01:33:40.000 They get so angry.

01:33:41.000 35k for number five.

01:33:43.000 Yeah, what are you hoping for?

01:33:45.000 Just shut your mouth.

01:33:45.000 It's a child's game.

01:33:46.000 They have roommates on tour.

01:33:48.000 My ball is 15 pounds.

01:33:50.000 I'd like to see a six-year-old throw it.

01:33:53.000 They have roommates on tour.

01:33:55.000 The best guys have a roommate for the week.

01:33:59.000 Yeah, they have to.

01:34:00.000 Dude, there are bowling groupies that are hideous.

01:34:05.000 Every industry has a groupie, and the bowling groupie is not great.

01:34:09.000 Every industry must have groupies.

01:34:11.000 Yeah.

01:34:12.000 Yeah.

01:34:13.000 Where they're like, I know you from this scene.

01:34:14.000 Yeah, even ones you would think no fucking way.

01:34:18.000 Bowlers!

01:34:18.000 Like, you used to think no fucking way for, like, guys who played video games, but now guys who play video games- But they have Ninja?

01:34:23.000 For sure Ninja's getting his dick sucked.

01:34:24.000 Wow, right now?

01:34:26.000 Yes, for sure.

01:34:27.000 He's married, but there's other guys that you could say that for sure.

01:34:29.000 Technically, your wife could suck your dick.

01:34:31.000 Oh, yeah.

01:34:31.000 I know it's foreign to a lot of men, but- She could do it.

01:34:33.000 She could do it if she really cares.

01:34:35.000 Yeah.

01:34:35.000 She could do it if she really cares.

01:34:38.000 You can get it if you really want, but you must try.

01:34:43.000 Yeah.

01:34:45.000 There's a lot of money in it.

01:34:47.000 So once there's a lot of money in something, you get groupies.

01:34:49.000 Yeah.

01:34:49.000 100%.

01:34:50.000 But even not.

01:34:51.000 Well, you had pool groupies, didn't you?

01:34:53.000 Didn't you have lounge lasers that hung out there?

01:34:54.000 There was a few really hardcore drug addicts that would hang around the pool room and then some really lonely ladies.

01:35:00.000 And then there was a few girls who played pool and they would hook up with guys too.

01:35:04.000 Because they saw these guys are the best.

01:35:06.000 Yes.

01:35:06.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:35:07.000 There was a few of those girls who would get really...

01:35:09.000 They would be pool players.

01:35:10.000 They'd be really into the pros.

01:35:12.000 They would hook up with the pros.

01:35:14.000 Yeah, right?

01:35:16.000 And they'd be like, hang out, waiting to score with Tommy O'Goulson?

01:35:18.000 Yeah, that game ain't much better, man.

01:35:20.000 The only thing that saves pool is, well, there's some...

01:35:23.000 Hustle games.

01:35:24.000 No, there's some tournaments to be played in America, some.

01:35:27.000 But in other countries, there's a lot of money.

01:35:29.000 There's big, like, they go to Qatar, and they play billiards in China, and you can make, like, real money in tournaments out there.

01:35:36.000 But you have to be, like, a Shane Van Boning, or, you know...

01:35:39.000 It's a deaf one.

01:35:40.000 Yeah, he's top of the food chain.

01:35:42.000 You have to be like him.

01:35:43.000 There's a few of those guys.

01:35:46.000 Jason Shaw.

01:35:47.000 There's a few of those guys that are like just straight up killers.

01:35:49.000 They could travel the world.

01:35:50.000 And they're fucking bitches.

01:35:52.000 All the time?

01:35:54.000 I don't know.

01:35:55.000 I don't know.

01:35:56.000 I would imagine if you're like an elite pool player and you're a handsome fellow, you'd probably get a little tail.

01:36:02.000 Get a few pool player gals.

01:36:04.000 Maybe in other countries.

01:36:06.000 That's the thing about if you went to Asia, you might be like a god to them.

01:36:11.000 Yes.

01:36:12.000 Yeah.

01:36:12.000 Like in the Philippines, pool's huge.

01:36:15.000 Philippines, there's this guy Efren Reyes.

01:36:18.000 He's probably the greatest pool player of all time, and he's from the Philippines.

01:36:21.000 And that guy is a star over there.

01:36:24.000 He does commercials and all kinds of crazy shit.

01:36:27.000 Everybody knows him.

01:36:28.000 People see him on the street.

01:36:29.000 Yeah, it's like, pick like Tiger Woods.

01:36:33.000 Like how Tiger Woods is for golf?

01:36:34.000 That's how Efren Reyes is for pool.

01:36:36.000 Tiger Woods goes anywhere people know who Tiger Woods is.

01:36:38.000 If Efren goes anywhere in the Philippines.

01:36:40.000 He does commercials with Manny Pacquiao.

01:36:44.000 Manny actually plays really good pool.

01:36:46.000 Better than me.

01:36:47.000 He plays professional level pool.

01:36:49.000 Yeah, how come you can say Filipinos are standardly way better at pool than us?

01:36:53.000 Because of the 1950s.

01:36:54.000 But you can't say America is clearly the best comics in the world?

01:36:57.000 You can.

01:36:58.000 Of course you can.

01:36:58.000 Well, some Americans are just as good, I mean pool players are just as good as Van Boney.

01:37:05.000 Yeah, same thing.

01:37:05.000 Some, the top ones are like sure, but overall.

01:37:08.000 Overall, Filipinos have a lot of great pool players.

01:37:11.000 They have a lot of killers.

01:37:12.000 But there's a lot of killers over here too now.

01:37:14.000 There's killers from Europe.

01:37:15.000 There's a lot of killers from Europe.

01:37:17.000 Pool.

01:37:18.000 Pool's different.

01:37:19.000 But with stand-up, get the fuck out of here.

01:37:21.000 You know why I think?

01:37:22.000 I think in England it came from like theater.

01:37:24.000 And here it came from like storytelling just like around a campfire.

01:37:29.000 Well, it came from a lot of variety shows, too.

01:37:30.000 Like Lenny Bruce used to do.

01:37:31.000 He used to do stand-up on variety shows.

01:37:34.000 In between, right?

01:37:34.000 Yeah.

01:37:34.000 A band would come out.

01:37:36.000 You ever watch Marvelous Mrs. Maisel?

01:37:38.000 They have it that way.

01:37:40.000 Someone comes out and they've got an act.

01:37:41.000 They do some kind of an act.

01:37:42.000 They have a fucking puppet act.

01:37:43.000 And they introduce the band.

01:37:44.000 And then they introduce the band.

01:37:45.000 The band will come play a song.

01:37:47.000 And then Lenny Bruce will go on and do some stand-up.

01:37:49.000 You know what I mean?

01:37:49.000 And then, you know, that's how they did it back then.

01:37:52.000 They didn't necessarily have comedy clubs.

01:37:54.000 We talked about that yesterday with the Ice House, that the Ice House is the oldest comedy club technically, but it really didn't become a full-time comedy club until 1978, where it was a store.

01:38:04.000 Was it 78?

01:38:04.000 It became full-time in 72. Yeah.

01:38:06.000 Yeah, so they were a full-time comedy club first.

01:38:09.000 People kept saying it was older, but it wasn't a comedy club.

01:38:11.000 It's not really.

01:38:12.000 But it was a variety show.

01:38:14.000 They'd have magic and fucking bands and all kinds of stuff.

01:38:18.000 Yeah, that's why they say one of Mitzi's biggest decisions was going like, we're going all comedy.

01:38:22.000 We're not doing music, comedy, magic.

01:38:24.000 We're doing all comedy.

01:38:25.000 She was the best.

01:38:25.000 People are like, you're out of your mind.

01:38:27.000 She was the best.

01:38:28.000 What a crazy loon.

01:38:29.000 Thank God.

01:38:30.000 Yeah.

01:38:31.000 We needed her.

01:38:32.000 You need some jazz in people's lives.

01:38:34.000 Oh my god, you needed her.

01:38:35.000 Yeah.

01:38:36.000 You needed her.

01:38:37.000 She knew how to do it, man.

01:38:39.000 She knew how to run a fucking comedy club.

01:38:41.000 She let people fucking figure it out on their own.

01:38:44.000 Yeah.

01:38:45.000 She just wanted you to kill.

01:38:46.000 She just wanted you to develop and become better.

01:38:48.000 Just be better.

01:38:50.000 And then she'd always find a good spot to put you.

01:38:53.000 In the beginning, she'd put you on early.

01:38:55.000 You get with a fresh crowd.

01:38:57.000 After a while, you develop a little promise.

01:38:59.000 She puts you on after hard people.

01:39:00.000 And if she liked you, every set, you're going to go after a murderer.

01:39:04.000 Right.

01:39:04.000 Every set, you're going after murderers.

01:39:07.000 Murderers.

01:39:08.000 And then she would give you advice.

01:39:09.000 That wasn't funny.

01:39:11.000 Thanks for the advice, lady.

01:39:13.000 That bitch, bro.

01:39:14.000 Stop doing it.

01:39:16.000 But every now and then, man, she'd throw me a gem to tell me how much she loves me.

01:39:20.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:39:21.000 Just here or there.

01:39:22.000 Man, what a fucking abusive parent.

01:39:25.000 And then she'd give you a little piece of niceness.

01:39:26.000 Yeah, but I expected it.

01:39:27.000 I was, you know, 27 years old and I expected it going in.

01:39:31.000 I was happy just to talk to her.

01:39:33.000 You got there when you were 27?

01:39:34.000 Yeah.

01:39:35.000 Whoa.

01:39:35.000 Yeah.

01:39:36.000 26, really.

01:39:37.000 The first time I went, I was 26, yeah.

01:39:40.000 It was before that show Hardball.

01:39:42.000 I came out here with Brewer.

01:39:44.000 He was on that show, too?

01:39:45.000 Yeah, Brewer was the mascot.

01:39:48.000 In the first episode, yeah.

01:39:51.000 He was a mascot of the opposing team, the Pied Pioneers, and he had a fucking flute and shit, and he got beat up by a giant baseball that was our mascot.

01:39:58.000 It was really funny.

01:40:00.000 Brewer.

01:40:01.000 Brewer's fucking hilarious.

01:40:03.000 Still is.

01:40:03.000 He's hilarious.

01:40:04.000 But he was out here with me.

01:40:06.000 We were doing that pilot, and it was like...

01:40:09.000 I want to say it was like 93, somewhere around then.

01:40:13.000 Yeah, 93. Really?

01:40:15.000 Yeah, and we came to the comedy store, and we're just sitting in the back of the room watching that play.

01:40:19.000 I remember thinking, I can't believe I'm even here.

01:40:21.000 I can't believe this is really the comedy store.

01:40:22.000 And then maybe six months later, I was out here living because the show got picked up.

01:40:28.000 Maybe not even six months, probably four months.

01:40:30.000 You know, you do a pilot.

01:40:32.000 Pilot gets seen, got picked up, came back, did six episodes, and I was just hanging around the store.

01:40:37.000 Wow.

01:40:38.000 And that's when I got to meet Mincy.

01:40:39.000 And she said you can perform there?

01:40:41.000 She said I could be a non-paid regular first.

01:40:43.000 Non-paid.

01:40:43.000 I auditioned as a non-paid regular.

01:40:45.000 And no bullshit, I was there every fucking night.

01:40:47.000 I didn't have a life, man.

01:40:49.000 I had nowhere to go.

01:40:50.000 I didn't have any friends.

01:40:51.000 So all I would do was go to the comedy store after I worked.

01:40:54.000 So I'd work all day on the TV show.

01:40:56.000 I'd go home to my shitty Oakwoods apartment.

01:40:59.000 I had one of them Oakwoods apartments in Burbank.

01:41:01.000 You know one of those ones where it's a pre-furnished apartment?

01:41:04.000 Four people were coming at her act for six months.

01:41:06.000 Exactly.

01:41:06.000 And then somewhere around episode three, I'm such a fucking genius, I figured this show's gonna take off, I'm gonna get a lease.

01:41:13.000 So I got a lease for a year, an apartment in North Hollywood, a real apartment.

01:41:18.000 And then the show got cancelled.

01:41:20.000 Immediately.

01:41:22.000 But it's good that I got that lease because I was going to move back to New York.

01:41:25.000 I did not like it.

01:41:26.000 And you stayed.

01:41:26.000 Yeah.

01:41:27.000 That's what kept me.

01:41:28.000 I couldn't move.

01:41:29.000 Wow.

01:41:30.000 I don't remember how much it was, but I remember I had a pool table in the living room.

01:41:34.000 That was the number one thing that I did.

01:41:35.000 I got a place that was big enough for me to put a pool table in the living room.

01:41:38.000 Jesus.

01:41:39.000 That's so funny.

01:41:40.000 That was my prerequisite.

01:41:41.000 I'd walk out every apartment.

01:41:42.000 I'd 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9. That's 5 feet with 4 on each side.

01:41:48.000 So it's a 9 by 5, right?

01:41:50.000 A good table is 4 1⁄2 by 9. So you want to give yourself like 15 feet width, and then you want to give yourself a solid 20 feet length.

01:41:59.000 So you measure out 5 on the front, 5 on the back, so you don't knock it with a stick.

01:42:04.000 What an addict.

01:42:04.000 Yeah.

01:42:05.000 That's what you look for.

01:42:06.000 Yep, that's what I look for.

01:42:07.000 Wow.

01:42:10.000 That's crazy.

01:42:10.000 That's like me when I go to a place, I'm like, smoking's allowed, right, Pot?

01:42:13.000 And I'm like, why would you bring that up?

01:42:14.000 I'm like, because I want to know now or I'll just move on.

01:42:16.000 Yeah.

01:42:17.000 Yeah.

01:42:19.000 But I had a neighbor that got mad that I was playing pool.

01:42:23.000 Oh, yeah, I'm sure.

01:42:24.000 Probably late at night, too.

01:42:25.000 No, no, no, no.

01:42:26.000 He asked me to not do it until they don't use the living room because the floor was creaking.

01:42:32.000 And this guy was like the superintendent of the building.

01:42:34.000 I went, what?

01:42:36.000 I said, you don't like me walking upstairs?

01:42:40.000 And he said, well, you're walking around the pool table when you're playing pool.

01:42:43.000 I go, what if I just walked?

01:42:45.000 You don't like me walking?

01:42:46.000 Are you telling me not to walk in the living room because you can hear me walking?

01:42:49.000 What kind of floor is this?

01:42:52.000 What do you hear?

01:42:53.000 It was a carpeted floor, too.

01:42:55.000 It wasn't like I had fucking cowboy boots and I was running around on a hardwood floor.

01:43:00.000 He said the floor creaks and it's annoying.

01:43:05.000 I'm like, wow.

01:43:08.000 What the fuck?

01:43:09.000 Can you please not walk?

01:43:10.000 That sounds like a New York story.

01:43:11.000 That place was made out of cardboard, though.

01:43:13.000 I could hear everything you do.

01:43:15.000 It's like, well, what am I going to tell you?

01:43:16.000 I'm still going to fuck.

01:43:17.000 I could hear the phone ring, and then I could hear the answering machine go off, and the person...

01:43:22.000 I could hear everything they said.

01:43:25.000 Every fucking thing they said.

01:43:26.000 And I didn't realize what a piece of shit the house was until we got an earthquake.

01:43:30.000 One day, I was in the apartment, and...

01:43:32.000 I don't know if you've ever been in a legit earthquake, but this was like a 5.5.

01:43:36.000 It was really the aftershocks of the big Northridge earthquake.

01:43:40.000 So this apartment just goes like this.

01:43:44.000 It didn't do anything that I thought it was going to do.

01:43:46.000 I felt like an earthquake, everything would shake.

01:43:49.000 Yeah, like the movies.

01:43:50.000 It started moving back and forth.

01:43:52.000 Oh, that's a big one.

01:43:53.000 The apartment was made out of a refrigerator box.

01:43:56.000 That's what it was like.

01:43:57.000 If I was inside a refrigerator box and you were outside, come on up, pussy.

01:44:01.000 That's what it was like.

01:44:02.000 The whole thing was just moving.

01:44:04.000 The walls were just moving.

01:44:05.000 I'm like, this place is made out of nothing.

01:44:07.000 This is made out of cardboard.

01:44:09.000 I remember thinking, God damn, you're vulnerable when an earthquake hits.

01:44:12.000 When you feel the first one here, you're just like, whoa.

01:44:15.000 Because you feel little ones all the time.

01:44:17.000 It feels like a car's underneath you or a garage.

01:44:19.000 Bro, we're so overdue.

01:44:20.000 We're so overdue.

01:44:21.000 They said that one of the fault lines moved recently for the first time in 500 years.

01:44:26.000 Dude, this is also from Myanmar.

01:44:29.000 That?

01:44:29.000 That's weed, bro.

01:44:30.000 What are you talking about?

01:44:30.000 Oh.

01:44:31.000 That's from Gino.

01:44:33.000 Oh, all right.

01:44:33.000 That's from LA Speed Weed, son.

01:44:34.000 Oh, that's a Mike Tyson joint, actually.

01:44:36.000 Really?

01:44:37.000 Yeah, that's from Tyson's Weed.

01:44:38.000 Oh.

01:44:39.000 Yeah.

01:44:39.000 They have those cigars like that there.

01:44:41.000 Yeah, this is not a cigar.

01:44:42.000 Okay.

01:44:43.000 They'll put you on Pluto.

01:44:44.000 Smoke that like a cigar.

01:44:45.000 Mike Tyson Weed.

01:44:45.000 He goes for it, huh?

01:44:46.000 Mike Tyson's Weed.

01:44:47.000 Yeah, he goes for it.

01:44:48.000 He goes for it like he went for in boxing.

01:44:50.000 That's what he does with his weed.

01:44:52.000 Speaking of weed, did you see the story about the NBA player that got suspended?

01:44:55.000 Yes!

01:44:56.000 Oh my gosh.

01:44:57.000 They suspended him for 10 games because he had an incident, a medical edible marijuana incident on a team playing.

01:45:03.000 Conduct detrimental to the season, to the team.

01:45:06.000 Oh...

01:45:07.000 It's only an hour flight from Phoenix to LA, too.

01:45:10.000 Oh my god, that is hilarious.

01:45:11.000 What is he flying to LA? They suspended him for 10 games for that?

01:45:14.000 Wait, what's Phoenix?

01:45:14.000 I kind of think, I was looking at the military.

01:45:16.000 They don't want him on the team anymore, either.

01:45:18.000 Why?

01:45:19.000 I don't want to say he's a troublemaker.

01:45:20.000 I don't know what he's doing, but they're doing good.

01:45:23.000 You just said he's a troublemaker.

01:45:24.000 They're doing good without him, and he's owed $24 million this year.

01:45:27.000 It's a whole different thing.

01:45:28.000 Really?

01:45:29.000 Oh, they're trying to box them out.

01:45:31.000 Potentially, that's what it sounds like.

01:45:33.000 Yeah, saving money on those 10 games, too.

01:45:34.000 You don't have to pay them for those 10. Maybe someone dosed them.

01:45:36.000 Save one-eighth.

01:45:37.000 Two million.

01:45:38.000 Maybe someone dosed them, Ari.

01:45:39.000 Dude, people have been asking me all the time.

01:45:41.000 I was on Halloween.

01:45:43.000 I went dancing.

01:45:43.000 I went having fun, you know?

01:45:45.000 And on the way out, somebody recognized me, and they were like...

01:45:49.000 People started yelling, like, Ari!

01:45:51.000 Ari's like, hey, what's up?

01:45:52.000 They're like...

01:45:53.000 Okay, we're all fucked up, dude.

01:45:54.000 They're like, dose me, Ari!

01:45:56.000 Dose me!

01:45:57.000 Dose me!

01:46:02.000 Someday that'll be funny, Bert.

01:46:03.000 Yeah, we were at the bar, and some girl was there, and I was ordering a drink, and then she just goes like, so she had her beer, and she just like, going like that to me, and I'm like, excuse me, and then she was smiling, and I was like, alright, that's very funny.

01:46:15.000 You know what I'm picturing right now?

01:46:16.000 I'm picturing Bert with headphones on running somewhere on the road listening to us right now.

01:46:22.000 So funny, guys!

01:46:25.000 Someday it'll be funny, Bert.

01:46:27.000 Someday.

01:46:27.000 Right now it's not funny.

01:46:29.000 Bert, you're one of the three of us who's not obese.

01:46:31.000 Just be happy about stuff.

01:46:32.000 What the fuck?

01:46:33.000 What the fuck?

01:46:33.000 I'm not obese.

01:46:34.000 I'm just overweight.

01:46:35.000 No, you're now not obese.

01:46:37.000 I saw that picture you posted on Instagram.

01:46:40.000 Yes.

01:46:40.000 You were three pounds away from not being obese, and you went down.

01:46:43.000 Oh, so 98 is...

01:46:45.000 What is obese?

01:46:45.000 What's the number?

01:46:47.000 Check out.

01:46:47.000 Pug in his height, 5'4".

01:46:50.000 5'2".

01:46:51.000 And his weight, what?

01:46:53.000 5'8".

01:46:53.000 Well, I'm around 200 pounds right now.

01:46:55.000 BMI calculator.

01:46:56.000 Oh, what'd you got down to less than that before, huh?

01:46:58.000 Yeah, I started drinking again.

01:46:59.000 Wow, that's quick.

01:47:00.000 I got down to 195. 195. There you go.

01:47:03.000 Sight does this sometimes.

01:47:05.000 It doesn't let me on it.

01:47:05.000 Cannot be reached.

01:47:06.000 Oh, the government doesn't want to know if I'm obese.

01:47:08.000 There you go.

01:47:09.000 That's all about it.

01:47:09.000 I'll do this one.

01:47:10.000 Yeah.

01:47:12.000 Put in me...

01:47:13.000 Oh, it does the age, too.

01:47:15.000 Oh, that's...

01:47:16.000 Don't...

01:47:16.000 That doesn't make any sense.

01:47:18.000 Why is it a matter of the age?

01:47:20.000 Yeah, that's a...

01:47:21.000 I've never seen the age...

01:47:22.000 Change the height.

01:47:23.000 It's not...

01:47:23.000 I'm not 5'10", I'm 5'8".

01:47:25.000 Right.

01:47:26.000 And change the weight to 200. That's going to be obese again.

01:47:29.000 I want to see what that is.

01:47:30.000 Calculate it.

01:47:32.000 Obese plus one.

01:47:33.000 Wait, 126. 164. That has your age in there, too.

01:47:38.000 What?

01:47:38.000 No, wait, that's normal weight.

01:47:39.000 Normal weight for the range is 121 to 164. Yeah, but what's just overweight?

01:47:44.000 Put in 187. I love this.

01:47:48.000 I love the BMI calculator.

01:47:50.000 Overweight.

01:47:51.000 190. What would you have to get to to be overweight?

01:47:53.000 Anything went over 165 is going to be overweight.

01:47:55.000 Anything over 165 is overweight.

01:47:56.000 No, no, I want to see the difference between overweight and obesis, where that line is.

01:48:00.000 Put in 190. I think 190 means you got it.

01:48:03.000 Okay, I can make that.

01:48:05.000 190 is I'm just overweight.

01:48:06.000 195?

01:48:09.000 Yeah.

01:48:09.000 Come on, bitch.

01:48:10.000 Okay, so 195, I'm good.

01:48:12.000 I got down there.

01:48:14.000 Oh, 199. Okay, that's where it changes.

01:48:18.000 So Burt is now not obese anymore.

01:48:19.000 Where the rubber hits the road is 197?

01:48:21.000 197. If you get to 197, you are overweight.

01:48:24.000 Okay, I'm overweight.

01:48:25.000 Burt has achieved that.

01:48:26.000 I'm just overweight.

01:48:27.000 I fluctuate.

01:48:28.000 It all depends on what time I weigh myself, too.

01:48:32.000 Use me in the morning.

01:48:33.000 It's easy for me to stay around 195. I could do that right now.

01:48:36.000 Great.

01:48:37.000 Or I can pasta it up.

01:48:40.000 Yeah, I got fasted up.

01:48:42.000 It's just so hard to be consistent.

01:48:44.000 Like, with workouts, it's so hard to put in, like, the real consistent fat-burning time.

01:48:50.000 You're so muscular, though.

01:48:52.000 Yeah, right.

01:48:53.000 Muscular.

01:48:54.000 I don't know how you lift all that weight around.

01:48:57.000 I do it.

01:48:58.000 I force myself.

01:49:00.000 Yeah.

01:49:01.000 I understand deterioration that comes with aging.

01:49:04.000 It's one of the most important things for your health as you get older to lift weights.

01:49:08.000 It's very important.

01:49:09.000 Muscle mass has some sort of correlation between health and muscle mass when you get older.

01:49:16.000 They say that you should do some resistance exercises and weight-bearing exercises just to keep your bone density and your muscles strong.

01:49:23.000 Yeah.

01:49:24.000 My thought is like...

01:49:26.000 You're bigger.

01:49:26.000 Yeah.

01:49:27.000 Sorry, what was your thought?

01:49:28.000 Well, my thought is, use this fucking thing while you got it.

01:49:31.000 Because you don't see a lot of 70-year-old dudes that can work out hard.

01:49:35.000 Right.

01:49:35.000 So what's the point?

01:49:36.000 The point is like, don't work out hard when you're 50, so that when you're 70, you're still alive.

01:49:42.000 Like, what is that?

01:49:43.000 Oh, but you like working out?

01:49:45.000 I'm fucking going for it, man.

01:49:46.000 I'm going for it, Ari.

01:49:48.000 I like being exhausted.

01:49:49.000 It makes me feel better.

01:49:50.000 I like those 90-minute yoga classes.

01:49:52.000 I like running hills.

01:49:53.000 I like kickboxing.

01:49:54.000 I like jiu-jitsu.

01:49:55.000 I like going hard.

01:49:56.000 I like going hard.

01:49:57.000 When I can't go hard anymore, I'll stop.

01:49:59.000 Right now, I can still go hard.

01:50:00.000 It's amazing that we're friends because I really enjoy the not moving.

01:50:05.000 We're really into different things.

01:50:07.000 I don't know how we've hit it off.

01:50:09.000 I enjoy not moving too.

01:50:10.000 I enjoy not moving, but I've got caveman jeans, dude.

01:50:14.000 There's something inside me.

01:50:16.000 I got a squash.

01:50:18.000 Yeah, you're like part wild.

01:50:21.000 Well, I try to be as nice as possible, but there's definitely some shit in me, especially from my childhood, all my childhood.

01:50:30.000 I grew up fighting in martial arts tournaments.

01:50:32.000 That is not a good way for your brain to develop with violent combat sports every day of the week from the time you're 15 to the time you're 22. That's not good.

01:50:44.000 It's just, you can do it with proper guidance and become a nice person, and I'm not doubting you can.

01:50:49.000 But when your whole life is about kicking people unconscious...

01:50:56.000 For years.

01:50:58.000 It's only about that.

01:50:59.000 Yeah.

01:51:00.000 And that's also the time when you're going through puberty.

01:51:02.000 That's also the time where you're learning about life.

01:51:04.000 Yeah.

01:51:06.000 Yeah.

01:51:07.000 Yeah.

01:51:07.000 So for me, it's like that door's always open.

01:51:11.000 You gotta throw water on that fire all the time.

01:51:14.000 You gotta get out there with the hose every day.

01:51:16.000 It doesn't matter if you feel like it or not.

01:51:18.000 Just don't let that fire grow.

01:51:20.000 Yeah.

01:51:22.000 Don't open up the door to the basement.

01:51:24.000 Do you ever just want to strangle somebody in life?

01:51:26.000 No.

01:51:26.000 No, remarkably not.

01:51:28.000 I do.

01:51:29.000 That's also because I do it.

01:51:30.000 If you do jiu-jitsu or lift a lot of weights, beat up the punching bag, punching bag is probably the best.

01:51:35.000 But you don't even think sometimes you're like, as you pass somebody who cuts you off in traffic and just like way too close, you're not like, I could kill you.

01:51:41.000 Well, if someone was talking shit and getting mean to me, it's very nice to know that you can fuck people up.

01:51:49.000 It's very nice to know.

01:51:50.000 It's very nice.

01:51:51.000 If you see some guy, like some average body dude who thinks he's a badass because he talks shit, he's mean and stupid, then he might take a swing at you.

01:52:01.000 And you see one of those guys.

01:52:02.000 It's very good that you are the one who gets to decide what happens.

01:52:07.000 Yeah.

01:52:08.000 That would be nice.

01:52:08.000 And you can teach someone a very, very severe lesson and let them know, hey, motherfucker.

01:52:14.000 No.

01:52:15.000 There's people like me out here.

01:52:16.000 I'll break both your arms and leave you here.

01:52:19.000 That would be so badass.

01:52:20.000 Just snap them both.

01:52:21.000 Crack.

01:52:22.000 Crack.

01:52:23.000 Good luck.

01:52:24.000 Whoa.

01:52:24.000 Good luck, fuckface.

01:52:25.000 Hope you don't lose them.

01:52:28.000 There's a lot of mean people out there.

01:52:31.000 I'm a nice guy.

01:52:33.000 I'm nice.

01:52:35.000 So, if I run into a mean person, I want to be the one who gets to decide what happens.

01:52:41.000 I want to be the one who gets to decide if somebody gets hurt.

01:52:45.000 There's just too many people out there that'll just take sucker punches at people and hurt people.

01:52:49.000 I see it all the time online, right?

01:52:52.000 I'm sure you see it.

01:52:52.000 There's so many videos of people hitting people and doing fucked up things to people for no reason.

01:52:56.000 Oh yeah, sucker punches?

01:52:58.000 Remember the knockout videos?

01:53:00.000 Dude, remember?

01:53:01.000 They knocked on an old lady.

01:53:02.000 There was an old lady that was waiting in line at a grocery store and somebody punched her.

01:53:06.000 They were just like, knock out!

01:53:07.000 And then punched her?

01:53:09.000 I don't remember it.

01:53:10.000 I just remember a video of some kid hitting an old lady.

01:53:13.000 There's always one person who takes it too far.

01:53:15.000 It was a horrible one of some kids.

01:53:17.000 They knocked out this guy as he was getting off of a subway.

01:53:20.000 I think it was in Chicago.

01:53:21.000 And just cracked this guy.

01:53:23.000 And he fell face first out cold on the concrete.

01:53:27.000 Bounced off the concrete.

01:53:28.000 I was like, oh my god.

01:53:29.000 And the guy was old too.

01:53:31.000 He wasn't a healthy person.

01:53:32.000 Like that is something that can literally change the rest of your fucking life.

01:53:35.000 These kids are just doing it and laughing.

01:53:37.000 And jumping on a train.

01:53:39.000 Whoa.

01:53:39.000 Yeah.

01:53:40.000 There was a lot of people doing things like that for a while.

01:53:42.000 Fucking Harvard kids.

01:53:44.000 That's what it is.

01:53:45.000 It's all those Yale fucks with all their money and their fucking fancy grades.

01:53:49.000 They want to rebel.

01:53:51.000 They go out and crack old people.

01:53:54.000 I see people studying at NYU all the time.

01:53:56.000 It's so weird.

01:53:57.000 I look at them in the library.

01:53:58.000 Why is it weird?

01:53:59.000 It's just like a different time of your life.

01:54:00.000 Oh, okay.

01:54:01.000 People are like studying all the time.

01:54:02.000 Right.

01:54:03.000 The grind.

01:54:05.000 Yeah, it's just like, I don't know, their college just looks like they have the whole world ahead of them.

01:54:09.000 It just looks so fucking enviable.

01:54:10.000 Just learning.

01:54:12.000 Well, it is in some ways, but it's also like this is a weird time to go to school.

01:54:17.000 Yeah, my friend's a teacher at a liberal arts college.

01:54:19.000 Woo!

01:54:20.000 Good luck with that.

01:54:20.000 She's like, people just aren't very happy.

01:54:23.000 Yeah.

01:54:23.000 It's all about change and progress.

01:54:27.000 Social justice.

01:54:28.000 Social justice.

01:54:28.000 And you can't just have, like, a fun time.

01:54:31.000 It has to be for a reason.

01:54:32.000 What happened there?

01:54:34.000 What happened to having an 80s night party?

01:54:36.000 Can't do that.

01:54:37.000 It's cultural appropriation.

01:54:38.000 No.

01:54:38.000 It's culturally appropriating people who lived in the 1880s and had to suffer with no internet.

01:54:42.000 That's right.

01:54:43.000 We had it hard, you motherfuckers.

01:54:46.000 But I just mean, not in terms of who they're offending, but just in terms of they have to be fighting against something.

01:54:51.000 And so it's such a terrible existence.

01:54:53.000 Are you allowed to dress up as a Civil War soldier if you're from the North?

01:54:57.000 You can't be a Confederate soldier.

01:54:59.000 Are you allowed to dress up?

01:55:00.000 You can't be a Confederate soldier because that harkens something.

01:55:03.000 Harkens.

01:55:05.000 Harkens.

01:55:06.000 You can definitely be a Union soldier, right?

01:55:09.000 You could be Ulysses S. Grant.

01:55:10.000 That's another one I could see going both ways.

01:55:12.000 I could see somebody going, that reminds me of the Civil War, which is slavery, so that's hurtful.

01:55:17.000 And someone else could be like, no, I'm honoring the people who fought for freedom.

01:55:21.000 And then they could go back and go, why is it only the white experience to be able to fight for freedom?

01:55:25.000 Do you realize that if you...

01:55:27.000 Went back in time.

01:55:28.000 If you were around the Civil War, you'd be a giant.

01:55:31.000 You'd just run over people and stomp them.

01:55:34.000 Because they're all shorter back then?

01:55:34.000 They were so tiny.

01:55:36.000 Nobody had good food.

01:55:37.000 Oh, yeah.

01:55:38.000 In the 1860s, I think the average size for a man that was in the army was like 125 pounds.

01:55:46.000 Whoa.

01:55:46.000 I could definitely be one of those doctors.

01:55:47.000 I'd be like, cut it off.

01:55:49.000 Amputate.

01:55:50.000 Cut it off.

01:55:51.000 Yeah, those doctors had it made.

01:55:55.000 Nobody made it.

01:55:56.000 Cut it off.

01:55:57.000 Doctor, it's a bloody toe.

01:55:59.000 Cut it off.

01:55:59.000 Enough.

01:56:00.000 It could get a disease.

01:56:02.000 We could all die.

01:56:03.000 You got these...

01:56:04.000 Glass tips.

01:56:05.000 Glass tips.

01:56:06.000 You put them on there?

01:56:06.000 No, they came with it.

01:56:08.000 It's more wasteful than a stoner.

01:56:09.000 The third tallest average in the world at the time was 5'7".

01:56:13.000 During the Civil War for an American man.

01:56:15.000 Third tallest average?

01:56:16.000 Yeah.

01:56:17.000 What does that mean?

01:56:17.000 That means the first average is like 6 feet tallest.

01:56:21.000 Like the tallest average.

01:56:22.000 Average tallest person.

01:56:23.000 Third tallest was 5'7".

01:56:26.000 I don't understand what you mean.

01:56:27.000 The average.

01:56:27.000 Like if there's an average, what's the average, the tallest average height?

01:56:31.000 I got the peak.

01:56:32.000 What is it?

01:56:33.000 Is it 6'5"?

01:56:34.000 Yeah, average.

01:56:35.000 The average for the people that are alive.

01:56:38.000 So what year would that be?

01:56:40.000 1866, Civil War time period.

01:56:41.000 The average is 5'7".

01:56:42.000 That was the third highest, third highest height average.

01:56:46.000 That we've ever had?

01:56:47.000 No, during that time.

01:56:48.000 What do you mean that was the third highest?

01:56:49.000 The people that lived during that time, during 1866. What do you mean that was the third highest average?

01:56:54.000 Average.

01:56:55.000 So if you had first highest average...

01:56:57.000 What does that mean first highest average?

01:56:58.000 Well, the average height of people.

01:57:00.000 What is the highest?

01:57:01.000 Like, for instance, England could have been higher than...

01:57:03.000 No, you could have percentages.

01:57:04.000 Like, you have 30...

01:57:06.000 The top 30th percentile of 60...

01:57:07.000 90 people.

01:57:08.000 Say if you only have 90 people, right?

01:57:09.000 Yeah.

01:57:10.000 It's just the average.

01:57:11.000 30 of them are 6'1 and above...

01:57:15.000 30 of them are 6'1 to 5'10.

01:57:19.000 30 of them are 5'7 to 5'10.

01:57:23.000 No way.

01:57:23.000 That's not what that means.

01:57:24.000 You don't have a third highest average.

01:57:25.000 What are you choosing the 30, 30, 30?

01:57:27.000 It's just the average.

01:57:28.000 No, no, no.

01:57:29.000 The average height.

01:57:30.000 Right, but the number of humans, the overall number of humans.

01:57:33.000 See what I'm saying?

01:57:34.000 That's why I broke it down to 90, right?

01:57:35.000 So you have three groups if you have 90 people.

01:57:37.000 If it was the third highest average, we're the third tallest in the world.

01:57:41.000 But they're even.

01:57:41.000 Do you understand what I'm saying?

01:57:43.000 No.

01:57:43.000 That's what it is.

01:57:44.000 Hold on.

01:57:45.000 Stop.

01:57:45.000 I got this.

01:57:45.000 The third percentile?

01:57:46.000 Listen, they're even.

01:57:47.000 If we have 90 people, do you know what I said?

01:57:49.000 30 and 30 and 30. If that's what we have, then that's obviously...

01:57:54.000 The third highest average.

01:57:56.000 They're almost even.

01:57:57.000 In the numbers that are represented by each individual category of height.

01:58:01.000 So it's 5'10 to 6'2 is one group that's 30 people.

01:58:07.000 Why those 30?

01:58:08.000 Because you have...

01:58:09.000 Why 30?

01:58:09.000 I'm just saying this so you can understand what the third highest percentage means.

01:58:14.000 It's based on the number of overall people.

01:58:16.000 So if there's 200...

01:58:18.000 And there's only three percentage groups?

01:58:19.000 Are there five or ten?

01:58:20.000 Instead of 90 people, let's say there's 90 million people.

01:58:23.000 Okay, well 30 million of them are 5'10 to 6'1.

01:58:26.000 But what's the fifth highest percentage?

01:58:27.000 Well, we'd have to find that out.

01:58:28.000 But the third highest percentage was 5'7", which means that out of these millions of people that were alive back then...

01:58:35.000 So the top third was average this, the second third averaged this, and the third third averaged that?

01:58:40.000 That's such a confusing stat.

01:58:41.000 No fucking way.

01:58:42.000 You might be confused on the word third.

01:58:43.000 It's not a third.

01:58:45.000 It's third place.

01:58:46.000 Third place for average male in America.

01:58:49.000 That's why you're not getting it.

01:58:51.000 Now we're 37th as of today.

01:58:53.000 Who's 37th?

01:58:55.000 Americans, United States.

01:58:57.000 Right, right, right.

01:58:57.000 But you're talking about the average height.

01:58:59.000 Was that for America in 1866?

01:59:01.000 American soldiers were tall by the standards at the time amongst the world.

01:59:05.000 Third highest country.

01:59:06.000 But people were so tiny back then that third highest height, the third highest category was 5'7".

01:59:12.000 No, we were just the ranked third country.

01:59:14.000 Of all the average heights, I'm confused on why you guys are not on the same page here.

01:59:21.000 I think you're both saying the same thing.

01:59:22.000 No, I'm saying we ranked third in country.

01:59:24.000 He's saying the third grouping of people averages 5'7", which is like, what grouping would that be?

01:59:29.000 I thought you were saying average height of people in 1966, the third average height of people was 5'7".

01:59:35.000 Is that what you're saying?

01:59:37.000 Wait, wait, wait.

01:59:38.000 Is this what you're saying?

01:59:39.000 Is America ranked third of all the countries?

01:59:42.000 Yes.

01:59:43.000 That's what it is.

01:59:43.000 And we were average height 5'7".

01:59:46.000 At the time, the average height of a male was 5'7", the third tallest males in the world.

01:59:51.000 Today, it is 37th.

01:59:53.000 Ooh, that's a confusing stat.

01:59:54.000 Yeah, it is.

01:59:55.000 We rank third of all the countries.

01:59:57.000 Americans were 5'7", on average.

01:59:58.000 But the average height in 1866 was 5'7".

02:00:02.000 Dude, I guarantee you that's food.

02:00:04.000 Nobody had any goddamn food.

02:00:05.000 And women were 5'3".

02:00:06.000 How often do you think people starved to death back then?

02:00:09.000 Probably a lot.

02:00:10.000 It probably is a lot.

02:00:11.000 Oh, what a terrible way to go.

02:00:11.000 Because people starve to death today.

02:00:12.000 And if everybody's that little and it's the same genes, how the fuck is in a hundred years plus, what is it, 150 years, how do people get so much bigger?

02:00:20.000 How do you get football players?

02:00:21.000 That's great.

02:00:21.000 Monsanto.

02:00:22.000 Thank you, Monsanto.

02:00:23.000 No one gives it up for them.

02:00:24.000 No one has some good stuff they're doing.

02:00:26.000 When you stand next to someone like Alistair Overeem or someone like that, and he's from Holland, a big old Dutch dude.

02:00:32.000 How do you get that?

02:00:33.000 How does someone get that big?

02:00:34.000 Those are the Vikings, right?

02:00:35.000 Oh, yeah.

02:00:36.000 Rico Verhoeven.

02:00:37.000 He's the glory heavyweight kickboxing champion.

02:00:40.000 It's breeding.

02:00:41.000 He's fucking giant, dude.

02:00:43.000 It's breeding.

02:00:43.000 That's how you get that.

02:00:44.000 He's a giant Viking.

02:00:45.000 The tallest fucked adult.

02:00:46.000 Exactly.

02:00:46.000 Make the giant.

02:00:46.000 That's how you get a Brock Lesnar.

02:00:48.000 That shit isn't magic.

02:00:49.000 It's real simple.

02:00:50.000 The Conquerors fuck all the hottest women, and then they make babies, and then in 2015, you get that guy.

02:00:58.000 That's basically what it is!

02:01:00.000 That is basically what it is, man.

02:01:02.000 You have German Shepherds and Chihuahuas and you have that guy and you have Redman.

02:01:06.000 That's to me why CRISPR is so fascinating.

02:01:09.000 What's CRISPR? CRISPR is gene editing technology that they're currently using on live human beings now.

02:01:16.000 They're doing the first test now on live human beings.

02:01:19.000 Yeah, it's gene editing technology they came up with.

02:01:23.000 Boy, I know I'm going to butcher this, but it's a tool that they recognize that bacteria carry certain signals, and they figured out how to edit genes using what they learned from how bacteria carry these signals.

02:01:41.000 I know I'm butchering this, but they're getting better and better with the tools, and they're getting to a point where they're able to isolate certain genes, like in China, They were able to give people HIV avoidance, resistance to HIV, but it also had some sort of a positive effect on their intelligence.

02:01:59.000 Was it two for one?

02:02:00.000 Yeah, it was a bunch of weird...

02:02:01.000 Those are both good.

02:02:02.000 I think that's speculated, but there's a bunch of weird chain reaction things they're not entirely certain of.

02:02:07.000 That's why they're saying it's unethical to just experiment on people, but they're doing it right.

02:02:12.000 You have your ethics.

02:02:12.000 I'm going to have a super kid.

02:02:13.000 You're going to have a super kid.

02:02:14.000 Someone's going to have a goddamn Incredible Hulk kid.

02:02:16.000 Enjoy your ethics while my kid fucking smashes your village.

02:02:19.000 Well, once a country decides they're going to pull the trigger on super people...

02:02:23.000 Everyone else has to keep up.

02:02:24.000 Dude, do you imagine what it's like...

02:02:26.000 The troops?

02:02:26.000 The 6'20 troops?

02:02:28.000 What if all porn by the year 2050 is Chinese guys with giant hogs?

02:02:33.000 It's all because that's all they are.

02:02:34.000 So that's not a world I want to live in.

02:02:36.000 Every Chinese guy is seven foot tall and they all have a giant hog.

02:02:39.000 Whoa.

02:02:39.000 They're like, we're sick of this.

02:02:41.000 Revenge.

02:02:41.000 We're sick of it.

02:02:42.000 Now we have the biggest ones.

02:02:43.000 Revenge.

02:02:44.000 They're all seven feet tall.

02:02:45.000 How's it feel now?

02:02:46.000 Giant Brock Lesnar bones and huge hogs like 12-year-old kids' legs.

02:02:52.000 And they're just banging everything that moves.

02:02:55.000 They're just fucking their way through the world.

02:02:57.000 I mean, if one country pulls the trigger and they decide they're going to make super people, everyone would have to catch up.

02:03:05.000 But it's almost like the internet, right?

02:03:07.000 If we said, hey, we can't allow people to communicate openly and freely.

02:03:10.000 We can't allow an even distribution of all the information in the world.

02:03:14.000 It's just too much power that we're just giving away to people.

02:03:17.000 We've got to stop this.

02:03:18.000 We've got to make this only for a few people.

02:03:21.000 If they did that, the world would fucking be a totally different place.

02:03:25.000 But they didn't do that.

02:03:26.000 And if someone doesn't stop them before they make super people, if they say, listen, we can't do the super people because then everyone's going to be a super person and no one's going to have body issues because everyone's going to be perfect.

02:03:40.000 We can't live like that.

02:03:41.000 They'll find ways.

02:03:42.000 We'll find other ways to hate you.

02:03:44.000 They'll find like your eyebrows are too big.

02:03:45.000 I don't like the way your nostrils flare when you get mad.

02:03:47.000 And then everybody would be a super person.

02:03:50.000 Yeah, that'd be great.

02:03:51.000 That's 100% possible.

02:03:53.000 That's within 100 years, they're probably going to be able to engineer most things about people, unless something catastrophic happens to us.

02:03:59.000 Do you remember that Van Damme movie?

02:04:01.000 Which one was that?

02:04:02.000 Universal Soldier?

02:04:03.000 No, Universal Soldier.

02:04:04.000 Is that what it was about?

02:04:05.000 Yeah, I was just like looking up that thing that genetically augmented soldiers with enhanced self-healing abilities and superior strength.

02:04:12.000 Once again, Jean-Claude Van Damme ahead of his motherfucking time.

02:04:16.000 He had a scene in Time Cop.

02:04:18.000 Do you remember there was like a scene where he went back in time with a machine gun and was fucking people up?

02:04:22.000 Like in the Civil War days or something like that?

02:04:25.000 Do you remember that?

02:04:26.000 Or somebody else did.

02:04:27.000 Didn't see that movie.

02:04:28.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

02:04:29.000 Somebody else did.

02:04:30.000 That's what it was.

02:04:30.000 Somebody else in Time Cop was like a bad cop, I think, that went back and did bad things.

02:04:36.000 They were like going back and stealing gold and shit and coming back with the gold.

02:04:40.000 Yeah, it's the guy he's going after.

02:04:42.000 Ah, that's right.

02:04:43.000 So that dude, see if you can find the video.

02:04:45.000 He's in Civil War in Georgia.

02:04:46.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

02:04:46.000 Civil War.

02:04:47.000 This is fucking great.

02:04:48.000 Because I've always thought, like, man, how cool would it be to go back in time, like, to the...

02:04:54.000 Any time in the history of the Spartans and see somebody show up out of nowhere with a machine gun.

02:05:05.000 So he's asking these people...

02:05:08.000 Asking for the gold, and they pull out their gun, and he just fucking guns them down.

02:05:13.000 Two fists with machine guns, laser beams.

02:05:16.000 Didn't shoot the horses, though.

02:05:18.000 Interesting.

02:05:19.000 Amazing accuracy.

02:05:20.000 Very good.

02:05:21.000 Must have trained.

02:05:22.000 Yeah, he probably trained.

02:05:23.000 Didn't look like it, though.

02:05:24.000 Didn't look like he had real solid tactical training with the use of that, but that was that scene.

02:05:29.000 I always thought that would be a cool scene in a movie.

02:05:32.000 Dude, what are our lives?

02:05:33.000 We sit here and talk.

02:05:35.000 Talk shit.

02:05:35.000 And everybody...

02:05:36.000 It's like, that's our jobs now.

02:05:38.000 Yeah.

02:05:39.000 And then you just do stand-up at night.

02:05:40.000 Yeah.

02:05:41.000 We just have our own fucking stupid radio shows.

02:05:43.000 Did you just do acid?

02:05:43.000 What'd you do?

02:05:44.000 I don't know.

02:05:46.000 It's crazy.

02:05:48.000 Yeah.

02:05:48.000 You make ads.

02:05:49.000 You pay your rent off your fucking ads.

02:05:50.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

02:05:52.000 It's amazing.

02:05:53.000 It's way better than a job job.

02:05:54.000 Oh my god!

02:05:55.000 When people ask me why do I keep telling people to do it, that's why.

02:05:58.000 To do what?

02:05:58.000 To do podcasts.

02:06:00.000 And people, you told too many people to do podcasts.

02:06:02.000 Why?

02:06:02.000 So there's more choice?

02:06:03.000 You fucking elitist cunt.

02:06:05.000 Don't be silly.

02:06:06.000 Everybody should do this.

02:06:07.000 If you're listening to me and you're upset that I'm saying that, it's probably because you need to do your own podcast and you know I'm right.

02:06:12.000 That's just amazing.

02:06:13.000 Not everybody should do a podcast.

02:06:15.000 All right, well then shut up.

02:06:16.000 Don't.

02:06:17.000 Relax.

02:06:17.000 Not everybody should be, but a lot of people could.

02:06:20.000 A lot of people could.

02:06:21.000 It's a viable job option.

02:06:22.000 That's all I'm saying.

02:06:23.000 It's a job option you can control yourself.

02:06:25.000 Just because you think everybody can fucking do it.

02:06:27.000 You got lucky.

02:06:28.000 You got in early.

02:06:29.000 All those things are true.

02:06:30.000 You won't be this big, but you'll still have a fun time.

02:06:33.000 Anything can happen.

02:06:33.000 You just sit around talking shit and you fucking record it.

02:06:36.000 Yeah.

02:06:36.000 Yeah, dude.

02:06:37.000 It's amazing.

02:06:38.000 Yeah.

02:06:39.000 And this is also a lot like the internet, and nobody saw this coming.

02:06:43.000 Nobody thought the biggest broadcast show was going to be something that someone just does on their own.

02:06:47.000 Yeah, uh-uh.

02:06:48.000 You know?

02:06:48.000 Look at these Logan Paul guys.

02:06:50.000 That guy just fought.

02:06:51.000 He had a boxing match that was the headline.

02:06:52.000 The one that found a dead body?

02:06:54.000 Yes, that guy.

02:06:55.000 It was the headline of an event at the Staples Center.

02:06:58.000 Wow.

02:06:59.000 Yes.

02:06:59.000 He fought?

02:07:00.000 Yes, on DAZN. Live streaming on DAZN. Whoa.

02:07:04.000 I bet a lot of people watched it too.

02:07:06.000 I wonder how many people watched that thing.

02:07:07.000 On DAZN? What does that mean?

02:07:09.000 DAZN, you know what that is?

02:07:10.000 It's a streaming app.

02:07:12.000 It has all the big major fights on it.

02:07:14.000 A lot of the big boxing matches like Tyson Fury's fights.

02:07:20.000 Is Canelo Alvarez on that, too?

02:07:21.000 I think he is.

02:07:22.000 There's a lot of top-level...

02:07:25.000 Andy Ruiz, the heavyweight champ, he's on that, too.

02:07:28.000 So all these guys, and it's like X amount per month.

02:07:31.000 I don't remember how much it costs, but you can watch the fights on your phone.

02:07:33.000 It's fucking great.

02:07:33.000 All the Bellator fights.

02:07:35.000 You can watch all the Bellator fights on your phone.

02:07:36.000 But they have that with the USP, too.

02:07:38.000 UFC has that ESPN Plus app.

02:07:40.000 Same thing.

02:07:42.000 And then they have some boxing matches, too.

02:07:44.000 That's cool if you watch those because then you could like, if you have to miss one, just tune in.

02:07:48.000 Fuck yeah, dude.

02:07:50.000 Streaming is the shit.

02:07:52.000 I get home from a gig and if it's a UFC that I didn't see, as long as I stay the fuck away from my phone, I have no idea what happened.

02:07:58.000 I go home, plot my fucking feet up, watch the fights after the shows.

02:08:03.000 Oh, it's wonderful.

02:08:04.000 Dude, this, yeah.

02:08:06.000 Yeah.

02:08:06.000 This phone is great.

02:08:07.000 Oh, yeah.

02:08:08.000 Oh, you got a phone phone.

02:08:09.000 Yeah.

02:08:09.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

02:08:10.000 Oh, you can watch so much stuff on this.

02:08:12.000 Oh, you can watch so much stuff.

02:08:12.000 The baseball playoffs?

02:08:13.000 Oh, yeah.

02:08:14.000 You can watch everything.

02:08:15.000 Yeah.

02:08:16.000 I missed so much in five years.

02:08:18.000 Look at this.

02:08:19.000 Oh, what are these glasses?

02:08:20.000 11,000 people watched the stream this way on this guy's glasses.

02:08:23.000 Off this guy's glasses?

02:08:24.000 No way.

02:08:25.000 Reflecting it onto Twitch or something like that.

02:08:26.000 No way.

02:08:27.000 Or YouTube, maybe.

02:08:28.000 That is hilarious.

02:08:30.000 Yeah, I'm trying to find the actual numbers.

02:08:31.000 I haven't found it yet.

02:08:32.000 11,000?

02:08:33.000 That is hilarious.

02:08:34.000 What a crazy way to show a fight.

02:08:37.000 Does he get extra credit for that?

02:08:39.000 He gets coolness credit.

02:08:41.000 Coolness points.

02:08:42.000 For sure.

02:08:43.000 But...

02:08:44.000 Like, can he get in trouble for that?

02:08:46.000 Yeah, I mean, he's rebroadcasting.

02:08:48.000 You're not supposed to do that.

02:08:49.000 I know, but this is a whole art project.

02:08:51.000 I say it's fucking allowed.

02:08:53.000 Yeah, it's an interesting take.

02:08:54.000 He's making it new enough.

02:08:55.000 You're not really watching that for the actual action.

02:08:57.000 But you do want to see what happens.

02:08:59.000 Sure, that's part of the art project.

02:09:01.000 Yeah, but he's stealing.

02:09:02.000 I disagree.

02:09:04.000 Artistic license.

02:09:08.000 What's next?

02:09:09.000 What do you see coming?

02:09:09.000 I think AGI glasses.

02:09:11.000 What is that?

02:09:12.000 AGR. Augmented reality.

02:09:14.000 AGR. Why don't I even make up that acronym?

02:09:17.000 Apple one just got pushed two years.

02:09:19.000 So they were rumored to come out recently sometime soon.

02:09:22.000 But yeah, they're just pushed to 2022 right now.

02:09:24.000 Oh, those silly people.

02:09:26.000 I don't know if it's for Siri specifically, but Alexa built-in glasses now.

02:09:30.000 They're like sunglasses that have all time built-in.

02:09:33.000 While you're wearing it, you can talk to Alexa.

02:09:36.000 That's too much.

02:09:37.000 It's too much.

02:09:38.000 Fuck off.

02:09:39.000 They need to take some Russian scientists, they need to bring them to Steve Jobs' grave, and bring them back to life.

02:09:44.000 Fuck off.

02:09:44.000 We need to reinvigorate him, reanimate him, and have him run Apple again.

02:09:49.000 From the grave.

02:09:50.000 Yeah.

02:09:50.000 With no soul.

02:09:51.000 Just ruthless.

02:09:52.000 He was the best at it.

02:09:53.000 Demands!

02:09:54.000 He was the best.

02:09:55.000 Demands!

02:09:55.000 Innovation!

02:09:57.000 To some giant robot nuclear.

02:09:59.000 You can't record everybody.

02:10:01.000 It's fucking bullshit.

02:10:03.000 You can't have a fucking thing that's going to record you.

02:10:05.000 I can't decide that for people around me.

02:10:07.000 That should be totally illegal.

02:10:08.000 It should be bullshit, but it's going to happen.

02:10:11.000 Fuck that.

02:10:11.000 They almost did, man.

02:10:12.000 No one signed up for this.

02:10:13.000 We didn't sign up for this.

02:10:14.000 The rest of us didn't sign up for it, and we're still having to deal with it.

02:10:16.000 That's true.

02:10:17.000 Do you remember those Google glasses?

02:10:19.000 Yes!

02:10:20.000 And we were all like, fuck, take those off.

02:10:21.000 People got beat up.

02:10:22.000 They're like, get that shit out of here.

02:10:23.000 It's like having a cell phone in someone's face the whole time.

02:10:25.000 No one likes that.

02:10:26.000 Nobody likes that.

02:10:27.000 That's not cool.

02:10:28.000 And just people just have that all the time.

02:10:30.000 No one feels safe.

02:10:31.000 No, that should be illegal.

02:10:32.000 They should not let that be.

02:10:34.000 And no one could tell if you had it recording or not, right?

02:10:36.000 No, exactly!

02:10:37.000 And didn't sign up for it.

02:10:38.000 Yeah.

02:10:39.000 You want to do it around your house, that's fine.

02:10:40.000 That shit should be illegal.

02:10:42.000 But what do you do if China, with their super dick dudes, all of a sudden has glasses?

02:10:47.000 If Huawei gets into the digital glasses company...

02:10:51.000 You do that over there.

02:10:52.000 I'm sorry.

02:10:52.000 What if they bring him over here and we don't even know it because we're so fucking ignorant because we lost just like the stem cell race.

02:10:57.000 We got behind the curve.

02:11:00.000 Yeah, maybe.

02:11:00.000 Maybe.

02:11:01.000 That's always a good one that people like to say.

02:11:03.000 Well, we got behind the curve with the stem cells.

02:11:05.000 Joe, let's smoke some DMT. Right now?

02:11:07.000 Yeah.

02:11:08.000 Oh, I don't have any here, but...

02:11:09.000 Oh, fuck.

02:11:10.000 That's not a thing to do to make a good podcast.

02:11:12.000 You don't think so?

02:11:13.000 No, it'd be 30 minutes of boring.

02:11:15.000 KSI vs.

02:11:16.000 Logan Paul had more pay-per-view buys than Anthony Joshua vs.

02:11:19.000 Andy Ruiz, said Eddie Hearn.

02:11:20.000 Holy shit.

02:11:21.000 I'm reading it had about a million or maybe more.

02:11:23.000 That's a lot for a streaming service.

02:11:25.000 He has a lot of people coming.

02:11:26.000 Dude, that's a lot.

02:11:27.000 I didn't know that you'd get that many for a streaming service.

02:11:30.000 The thing is, so many people have these streaming services now.

02:11:34.000 So many people do.

02:11:37.000 This says 1.2 million.

02:11:39.000 That's a lot, man.

02:11:40.000 That's a lot.

02:11:41.000 That's huge.

02:11:42.000 Oh, I'm sorry.

02:11:42.000 The first fight did that.

02:11:44.000 This one got more?

02:11:45.000 Wait, he fought twice, Logan Paul?

02:11:47.000 They did it a year ago.

02:11:48.000 It was an amateur fight that time.

02:11:50.000 And this was a professional fight?

02:11:52.000 Yeah.

02:11:52.000 It was a professional six-round fight.

02:11:55.000 And it was the headliner of a card where Billy Joe Saunders fight.

02:11:58.000 Billy Joe Saunders is one of the best fighters in the world.

02:12:01.000 He's an elite fighter, world champion.

02:12:03.000 He defended his title on the undercard of two YouTube guys fighting.

02:12:08.000 Now, how much of an insult is that?

02:12:10.000 For him, I'm sure he's just like, I'm getting paid.

02:12:13.000 Who gives a fuck?

02:12:13.000 I'm getting views too, more views.

02:12:15.000 It's good for him.

02:12:15.000 Wow, that's crazy.

02:12:17.000 So people can see what a killer he is.

02:12:17.000 It's all about the fucking dollar.

02:12:19.000 Nobody gives a shit about the art.

02:12:22.000 Dude, there are two YouTubers fighting.

02:12:23.000 Yeah.

02:12:24.000 There's no art.

02:12:25.000 Right.

02:12:26.000 I mean, there's some art to it, right?

02:12:28.000 It's a creation.

02:12:29.000 There's some drama.

02:12:30.000 A lot of shit's going down.

02:12:32.000 Yeah.

02:12:32.000 But I'm saying the other guy is a fucking...

02:12:34.000 Billy Joe Saunders?

02:12:34.000 Yeah.

02:12:35.000 But for him, people don't know who he is.

02:12:36.000 You didn't know who he is.

02:12:37.000 I do not.

02:12:37.000 Now you do.

02:12:38.000 See?

02:12:38.000 It's like it's good.

02:12:39.000 I won't know tomorrow.

02:12:39.000 And he won by knockout.

02:12:41.000 He won by knockout.

02:12:42.000 So it was a good showcase for him.

02:12:44.000 He's a vicious boxer.

02:12:44.000 He should have challenged Logan Paul next.

02:12:46.000 Oh, he'll kill Logan Paul.

02:12:47.000 He should be like, I'm the winner of this fight.

02:12:49.000 You can't do that to that kid.

02:12:50.000 He'll make a lot more money.

02:12:51.000 No.

02:12:52.000 They're not the same weight class.

02:12:54.000 Billy Joe Saunders is like one or two.

02:12:56.000 I think he's light heavyweight.

02:12:57.000 What is he?

02:12:57.000 Is he super middleweight?

02:12:59.000 Google what he is.

02:13:00.000 That sounds right.

02:13:00.000 Can Billy Joe Saunders beat him with his right arm tied behind his back?

02:13:04.000 It wouldn't be fair at all.

02:13:05.000 It would be horrible.

02:13:06.000 But that guy's an elite world champion boxer.

02:13:09.000 And Logan Paul had one fight.

02:13:11.000 Splint on his leg, right arm tied behind his back.

02:13:15.000 He would still beat Logan Paul?

02:13:16.000 Someone did that.

02:13:18.000 Jason Ellis is so crazy.

02:13:19.000 He had a fight where...

02:13:21.000 Who did he do it with?

02:13:26.000 Shane Carwin.

02:13:27.000 Shane Carwin, that's right.

02:13:28.000 Oh my god, that makes it even more crazy.

02:13:30.000 That's right.

02:13:31.000 Shane Carwin, who's one of the biggest punching heavyweights in the history of the fucking sport.

02:13:37.000 He made Shane Carwin tape his arm to his body.

02:13:40.000 Look at this.

02:13:40.000 So he's got his right arm taped to his body and he's just blasted him with left hands.

02:13:46.000 And dude, Shane Carwin was a fucking murderer.

02:13:50.000 Brock Lesnar's prime.

02:13:51.000 A murderer, dude.

02:13:52.000 This is such a ridiculous idea for him to do this.

02:13:55.000 He's punching her so much lighter.

02:13:57.000 Dude, the guy's a giant.

02:13:59.000 Oh my god.

02:14:00.000 He hasn't even really tried to hit him yet.

02:14:02.000 Dude, when I was taking jiu-jitsu in Boulder, I was on the mats.

02:14:07.000 He just got left.

02:14:07.000 This is it.

02:14:08.000 This is what I was talking about.

02:14:09.000 But that's all he needs, man.

02:14:10.000 He scooped him up for some reason at one point in time, just to joke around, to pick him up.

02:14:15.000 But when I was there, I was training at their jujitsu school, and this guy walked in there as his left hook.

02:14:23.000 Fucking terrible idea.

02:14:26.000 He's out.

02:14:28.000 Yeah, man.

02:14:28.000 Look at that.

02:14:29.000 Watch that punch again.

02:14:30.000 He's so big, man.

02:14:32.000 He's so big.

02:14:33.000 Back that up a little bit.

02:14:35.000 Look at this.

02:14:38.000 Oh, right on him.

02:14:39.000 He just kept trying until he got him.

02:14:41.000 He's so big.

02:14:42.000 There's a little bit of movement.

02:14:43.000 Separation.

02:14:44.000 He's just way too strong.

02:14:47.000 Way, way, way, way, way, way, way too strong.

02:14:49.000 Damn.

02:14:50.000 Anyway, that guy walked in when I was doing jiu-jitsu.

02:14:51.000 I was rolling.

02:14:52.000 I was like, what the fuck is that?

02:14:54.000 I was like, is that a cartoon person?

02:14:55.000 What is that?

02:14:57.000 He was, at the time, he was probably close to 300 pounds.

02:15:00.000 He's so big it's ridiculous, dude.

02:15:01.000 He's got like body arms.

02:15:03.000 Like where your body is, that's his arms.

02:15:06.000 And for Ellis, he's so crazy to be willing to have a boxing match with that dude and get punched in the head by that guy.

02:15:14.000 That's his jackass roots.

02:15:16.000 I get it.

02:15:17.000 He's a fighter with jackass roots.

02:15:18.000 Fuck all that noise.

02:15:21.000 You can get some never-ending headaches.

02:15:24.000 Would you fight now?

02:15:25.000 What I know?

02:15:26.000 No.

02:15:27.000 Are you listening to what I'm saying?

02:15:29.000 I know, but not one of those guys, but some other celebrities.

02:15:31.000 Dude, I know too many people that are having real problems with their head.

02:15:34.000 Really?

02:15:34.000 Yes.

02:15:35.000 A lot of fighters, like post-career, are having real struggles.

02:15:39.000 It's no joke, man.

02:15:42.000 You've got to know when to stop, and head injuries are...

02:15:45.000 What about headgear?

02:15:47.000 It's worse.

02:15:48.000 Headgear doesn't help.

02:15:49.000 Headgear makes your head like a bigger target.

02:15:52.000 It's easier to hit.

02:15:52.000 And then also, when you get hit, it's like an unnatural fulcrum.

02:15:56.000 All this fucking weight on your head.

02:15:58.000 Yeah.

02:15:59.000 I think the thing about it is you're trying to avoid cuts.

02:16:02.000 That's what headgear is good for.

02:16:04.000 It's good for you avoiding cuts.

02:16:05.000 Oh, okay.

02:16:05.000 But you can get fucked up with a punch or a kick wearing headgear.

02:16:09.000 Damn.

02:16:09.000 Big gloves help a little bit.

02:16:11.000 Yeah, big gloves.

02:16:11.000 You can still get your fucking brains rattled.

02:16:14.000 Tripoli and I talk about having a fight, but he won't fight me.

02:16:16.000 No, don't get your brains rattled, dude.

02:16:18.000 It won't be me.

02:16:18.000 I guess he's worried about himself.

02:16:20.000 About hurting himself?

02:16:21.000 Yeah, getting hurt.

02:16:22.000 Yeah, and his mom's worried about it too.

02:16:24.000 What are you trying to say?

02:16:25.000 Are you trying to talk shit?

02:16:26.000 Say his mom's worried about him?

02:16:27.000 No, I know his mom loves him and he's worried about him.

02:16:29.000 Because you're going to fuck him up?

02:16:30.000 Is that what you're saying?

02:16:31.000 Yeah, I think that's overall why he's running away from the fight.

02:16:33.000 Yeah, if I had to guess for a reason.

02:16:35.000 I'm just trying to figure out what's going on.

02:16:36.000 I've been trying to fight him.

02:16:37.000 He won't fight me.

02:16:38.000 Why do you want to fight him?

02:16:38.000 You guys work together.

02:16:39.000 Yeah, I know, but we've been talking about this fight forever and he won't fight me.

02:16:42.000 Forever?

02:16:43.000 Yeah.

02:16:43.000 You would do this.

02:16:44.000 I know you would.

02:16:44.000 Yeah, for sure.

02:16:45.000 Do you think you would fight high or sober?

02:16:48.000 Probably high.

02:16:49.000 Probably high is a good word.

02:16:50.000 No, I don't know.

02:16:51.000 Maybe.

02:16:52.000 I trained high all the time with Eddie.

02:16:53.000 He encouraged it.

02:16:55.000 Yeah, always.

02:16:55.000 It's great.

02:16:56.000 Would you...

02:16:58.000 I might show mercy if I was high.

02:16:59.000 That'd be a negative.

02:17:00.000 Bare knuckle, you think?

02:17:03.000 I was not thinking about it.

02:17:04.000 I was thinking the big gloves, but that's definitely one way to go.

02:17:06.000 I don't think bare knuckle, no.

02:17:08.000 Bare knuckle.

02:17:09.000 Open hand like combat.

02:17:10.000 Slap fight.

02:17:11.000 Slap fight.

02:17:11.000 That's a good way to get poked in the eye.

02:17:12.000 Trust me.

02:17:13.000 Did Louis break his hand slap fighting Jay?

02:17:16.000 Did he really?

02:17:16.000 He broke his hand?

02:17:17.000 I think so.

02:17:18.000 I think so.

02:17:19.000 Where'd he hit him?

02:17:21.000 Jay's got a giant head.

02:17:23.000 Jay's got one super wide.

02:17:25.000 He's got a super wide.

02:17:28.000 Yeah, he's got big bones, that J. Yeah.

02:17:31.000 How was Legion of Skanks?

02:17:32.000 You went on, finally.

02:17:33.000 It was fun!

02:17:33.000 We were so high, though, dude.

02:17:35.000 And it was the day after Sober October was over.

02:17:39.000 Blitzkrieg'd.

02:17:40.000 And they kept rolling blunts and passing around.

02:17:42.000 And I had to pronounce some Russian names two hours later.

02:17:46.000 Oh, for the weigh-ins?

02:17:47.000 Yeah, we do the weigh-ins two hours later.

02:17:49.000 So this is them slap fighting?

02:17:50.000 Jeremiah.

02:17:51.000 Oh, him and Jeremiah?

02:17:53.000 That's when he broke his hand?

02:17:54.000 Oh, Jeremiah just lit him up.

02:17:58.000 Look how serious Jeremiah is.

02:18:00.000 Jeremiah changed his stance.

02:18:01.000 He knows how to use that fucking reach.

02:18:03.000 He goes for the block, too.

02:18:04.000 He goes backhanded.

02:18:05.000 Oh, he's toying with them.

02:18:07.000 He gets a good one at the end of the round too.

02:18:09.000 Dude, Jeremiah slapped him.

02:18:11.000 Oh my god.

02:18:11.000 Oh shit.

02:18:12.000 Lewis, when he fake boxes, he touches you.

02:18:15.000 He hits you way too hard.

02:18:16.000 Where did Jeremiah learn how to box?

02:18:17.000 From fucking Catholic school, I think.

02:18:19.000 Street to Kansas somewhere.

02:18:20.000 Yeah.

02:18:20.000 For real?

02:18:20.000 He had to slap cattle on the fucking...

02:18:23.000 Where do you think he learned?

02:18:24.000 Lewis is outclassed by this 130-pounder.

02:18:26.000 He's bigger than that.

02:18:27.000 Oh, that's a good right hand.

02:18:28.000 Lewis is 280. Dude, this is a slap fight.

02:18:31.000 This is Tom's height.

02:18:32.000 This is a real slap fight.

02:18:33.000 This is a real slap fight.

02:18:34.000 Yeah, this isn't like some guy's playing silly.

02:18:37.000 Look at Dave Smith there.

02:18:37.000 Oh!

02:18:40.000 He's saying no.

02:18:41.000 Wow!

02:18:42.000 He said no he's not knocked out, but you got fucked up, Gomez.

02:18:45.000 He got cracked.

02:18:46.000 Oh, that's the kind of fighting that got your dad stabbed to death.

02:18:49.000 Legion of Skanks slapboxing.

02:18:51.000 Oh my god.

02:18:52.000 Let me tell you something.

02:18:53.000 You can get KO'd slapboxing.

02:18:55.000 Don't get confused.

02:18:56.000 Look at him.

02:18:58.000 He just had a fight.

02:18:59.000 That was like a fight fight.

02:19:00.000 He flew out for this.

02:19:01.000 He flew out for a slapbox.

02:19:03.000 Wait, is this round two?

02:19:04.000 Are they going to round two?

02:19:05.000 What?

02:19:06.000 I didn't know it was like this.

02:19:07.000 Keep going, please.

02:19:09.000 What are you doing?

02:19:09.000 Why are you shutting this off?

02:19:10.000 I'm not.

02:19:10.000 Let it roll.

02:19:11.000 Oh my god.

02:19:12.000 Look at this.

02:19:14.000 Look at this.

02:19:18.000 I mean, Lewis is so serious right now.

02:19:20.000 Well, what Jeremiah's doing...

02:19:22.000 What's he doing?

02:19:23.000 What he's doing is he's waiting.

02:19:25.000 He's putting his hand out there, he's pawing, and Lewis throws these combinations, and Jeremiah's waiting.

02:19:30.000 He's catching them.

02:19:31.000 He's catching them as he's coming in.

02:19:33.000 Would you compare some to Anderson Silva a little bit?

02:19:35.000 A little bit.

02:19:36.000 The way he's like baiting him.

02:19:37.000 Counterfighting.

02:19:38.000 Yeah.

02:19:38.000 He's counterfighting.

02:19:39.000 And he's also being very smart with his defense.

02:19:42.000 And Lewis got a little feel for that right hand.

02:19:44.000 A little worried about that right hand.

02:19:45.000 Yeah.

02:19:45.000 He doesn't want it.

02:19:45.000 That thing's coming down.

02:19:46.000 It's a good...

02:19:47.000 He's got a good reach tactic, too.

02:19:48.000 He also keeps blocking on the side that Jeremiah's not touching him, which is...

02:19:52.000 Oh!

02:19:53.000 Oh!

02:19:54.000 Lewis can't help but want to close his fist.

02:19:56.000 Yeah.

02:19:57.000 I mean, again, real close.

02:19:58.000 Jeremiah's circling.

02:19:59.000 That's a good move as well.

02:20:00.000 But Lewis is closing the distance.

02:20:02.000 He looks very angry.

02:20:04.000 He's serious.

02:20:04.000 He's going back to his roots.

02:20:09.000 He's getting very aggressive.

02:20:10.000 Jeremiah might be losing steam.

02:20:12.000 Oh, he's taking big reaches.

02:20:13.000 Is that the round over?

02:20:15.000 There's another round after this?

02:20:17.000 How is Jeremiah doing this?

02:20:19.000 Oh, keep it moving, please.

02:20:20.000 Let's see the next round.

02:20:23.000 Oh my god.

02:20:25.000 So they just kept doing rounds.

02:20:26.000 Look, he's got his back turned and shit.

02:20:29.000 This is hilarious.

02:20:30.000 These guys are...

02:20:32.000 I'm so glad these guys are alive.

02:20:34.000 They're so ridiculous.

02:20:36.000 They're pushing wild comedy.

02:20:38.000 Dude, I never go as far as I go on Legion of Skanks.

02:20:40.000 Of course not.

02:20:41.000 It's just such an open environment for doing whatever.

02:20:43.000 Well, it's also in support of, like I said, wild comedy.

02:20:48.000 You need that.

02:20:49.000 You need that.

02:20:50.000 You need to balance things out.

02:20:52.000 Obviously, people love it.

02:20:54.000 Oh my god, Jeremiah is so lanky!

02:20:56.000 He's taking big, long swings.

02:20:59.000 Got him in the neck.

02:20:59.000 Lewis is relaxing a little bit more now, and he's starting to use some technique.

02:21:03.000 That was some nonsense right there.

02:21:04.000 It looked like he just punched him in the stomach.

02:21:06.000 He does.

02:21:06.000 He looks like he's closing his fist every time.

02:21:08.000 He smacked him hard in the head with that right hand.

02:21:11.000 Jab, jab, jab!

02:21:12.000 Jab.

02:21:12.000 You can't jab and slap.

02:21:14.000 Oh my god!

02:21:15.000 Jeremiah got him twice!

02:21:16.000 Yeah, you can slap.

02:21:17.000 I mean, you can jab.

02:21:18.000 Oh, Lewis just smacked him.

02:21:20.000 Lewis really?

02:21:21.000 Oh, he went to the body with a punch, dude.

02:21:22.000 He's punching.

02:21:25.000 Dude, it seems like he's...

02:21:26.000 Is he slapping to the body?

02:21:28.000 He's punching to the body.

02:21:29.000 He can't help it.

02:21:30.000 He's an oaf.

02:21:30.000 He's uneducated, which is a lot of his problem.

02:21:32.000 He doesn't understand the concept.

02:21:34.000 What books would you recommend to him?

02:21:36.000 What?

02:21:36.000 What books would you recommend to him?

02:21:37.000 Timmy the Turtle plays soccer.

02:21:39.000 Oh, he just got lit up with that right hand.

02:21:41.000 Dude, he got lit up.

02:21:42.000 He got lit up.

02:21:43.000 Oh my God, Jeremiah's in the backtracking.

02:21:45.000 He's trying hard to come out.

02:21:46.000 Of course, the round is over and Louis is still punching.

02:21:48.000 What a fucking trash oaf.

02:21:51.000 Wow.

02:21:51.000 Is that it?

02:21:52.000 Is that the end?

02:21:53.000 Who won?

02:21:54.000 I mean, he won that fight.

02:21:55.000 He's got Jeremiah on his heels.

02:21:57.000 Jeremiah won the first round.

02:21:58.000 Second round, I'd say it was a wash.

02:22:00.000 Well, definitely not.

02:22:01.000 I didn't judge it.

02:22:04.000 No.

02:22:05.000 People are saying, one more round?

02:22:06.000 Okay, what does this mean?

02:22:09.000 Jeremiah won.

02:22:10.000 Jeremiah takes it.

02:22:11.000 Wow.

02:22:12.000 I can see it.

02:22:13.000 It was all Who Room went to.

02:22:16.000 Wow.

02:22:16.000 Well, listen, he did crack him with some big shots.

02:22:18.000 It was all based on round two.

02:22:19.000 And that was close.

02:22:20.000 He cracked him with some big shots.

02:22:21.000 Look at Jeremiah.

02:22:22.000 Slap boxing people.

02:22:23.000 That looks painful as fuck.

02:22:25.000 Like, his face is raw.

02:22:27.000 Oh, my God.

02:22:28.000 They might have to have a rematch.

02:22:29.000 No way.

02:22:30.000 Nobody wants that.

02:22:30.000 Just let me tell you something about slapping people in the face.

02:22:32.000 Slapping people in the face is open hands.

02:22:35.000 Open hands, hitting your eyeball, you're going to scratch your fucking eye, and you're going to have a real eye injury.

02:22:39.000 It does sound like a good technique.

02:22:41.000 I'm not saying...

02:22:41.000 I'm not saying don't do it.

02:22:42.000 It's a good strategy, Joe.

02:22:43.000 You do whatever you want, but I want you to know that open hand slapping and reaching like that, you just ask.

02:22:48.000 As someone who's seen probably 500 people get poked in the eye up close, you're going to get poked in the eye.

02:22:54.000 I'd agree.

02:22:54.000 That is the best way to incapacitate someone.

02:22:56.000 Don't do it, though.

02:22:57.000 And...

02:22:57.000 What?

02:22:58.000 Don't do that.

02:22:59.000 No, don't.

02:22:59.000 Don't do that.

02:23:00.000 Don't do that.

02:23:01.000 If you need to win...

02:23:02.000 Use this, like...

02:23:03.000 I like your technique.

02:23:04.000 ...block goggles.

02:23:05.000 There's little slits to block your eyes.

02:23:07.000 Is that good enough?

02:23:07.000 That's a good way to get those things whacked off your head...

02:23:09.000 Screw your nails out, too.

02:23:10.000 ...so you can't see.

02:23:10.000 And shave those.

02:23:11.000 Maybe if you had some eye goggles, like legit little welding goggles or some shit.

02:23:16.000 Some scuba goggles.

02:23:17.000 There you go.

02:23:18.000 But that would be...

02:23:18.000 It would almost be worse for you because it would fuck with your peripheral.

02:23:22.000 If you didn't get used to slapping people...

02:23:24.000 When you have things on, that's one thing I always hated about headgear.

02:23:27.000 You put them on, you can't see things here and here good.

02:23:30.000 Your window of your field of view gets narrowed.

02:23:34.000 It becomes a problem when you get close.

02:23:36.000 You don't see where punchers are coming.

02:23:38.000 Because of goggles.

02:23:40.000 Yeah, headgear.

02:23:41.000 You don't see where kicks are coming.

02:23:42.000 You don't see things coming.

02:23:43.000 So I would think that would be the same thing with those goggles.

02:23:45.000 Yeah, what about swimmer's goggles?

02:23:47.000 I think they would still fuck with your peripheral.

02:23:51.000 All those things would fuck with your peripheral.

02:23:53.000 Yeah, no way.

02:23:54.000 You don't see anything coming.

02:23:55.000 But unless you trained with them on.

02:23:57.000 If you trained with them on, maybe you could do it.

02:23:59.000 You would get more used to it, but it still cuts you down.

02:24:01.000 They could also just touch your goggles with their face, and they would get their sweat all over your goggles, and then you wouldn't be able to see as good.

02:24:06.000 Another good technique.

02:24:08.000 They're both wearing goggles, so that's fair.

02:24:10.000 But they would both do that.

02:24:11.000 It would fuck you up.

02:24:12.000 You wouldn't be able to see that good.

02:24:13.000 You wouldn't see what's in front of you.

02:24:15.000 Good luck.

02:24:16.000 Let's just fight.

02:24:17.000 Let's just cut the shit and put some gloves on and fight.

02:24:20.000 If we're going to do that, if we're going to slap fight, let's just fight.

02:24:24.000 I want to be able to take you down and strangle you.

02:24:26.000 This is nonsense.

02:24:27.000 Poking each other in the eye and smearing each other's fucking goggles.

02:24:31.000 Who do you think would have been in a just straight jiu-jitsu fight between you and Lewis?

02:24:34.000 Because he thinks him.

02:24:35.000 That's hilarious.

02:24:39.000 He's watched over 100 UFC fights.

02:24:42.000 He's a big fellow, though.

02:24:44.000 He is so fat.

02:24:45.000 He'll probably get good at it.

02:24:46.000 Yeah.

02:24:47.000 He's a big, tough guy.

02:24:48.000 He could lay on you.

02:24:48.000 He needs to weigh 330. He's lost a little shitload of weight.

02:24:50.000 That's a lot.

02:24:51.000 He's lost over 20 pounds.

02:24:52.000 No, he's not that big.

02:24:53.000 Oh, thanks.

02:24:54.000 He's back.

02:24:54.000 He's ballooned.

02:24:56.000 Are you trying to start a fight with him now?

02:24:57.000 I am not.

02:24:58.000 I'm just saying he has ballooned.

02:24:59.000 I was guessing a high weight at Sodor Special.

02:25:01.000 When he taped it, I was like...

02:25:02.000 What'd you think?

02:25:02.000 I said, what are you, like 240?

02:25:04.000 And he goes, no, like 250. Okay.

02:25:05.000 I was like, I was guessing high.

02:25:07.000 I thought he'd be 220. Jesus.

02:25:09.000 That's a big fella.

02:25:10.000 Yeah.

02:25:11.000 But he's big, period.

02:25:13.000 Like, if that guy just, you know, if he dieted down and got ripped, he's still 215, 220 pounds.

02:25:19.000 A big fella.

02:25:20.000 Yeah.

02:25:20.000 If he lost 45 pounds, he'd be 215. Is he that big?

02:25:24.000 That seems big, Coach.

02:25:26.000 I don't know.

02:25:28.000 Sometimes you, like, don't realize.

02:25:30.000 People just get, like, suddenly big.

02:25:31.000 What's with his glasses?

02:25:32.000 Why is he wearing yellow glasses everywhere?

02:25:33.000 Is that his new thing?

02:25:35.000 You know, some guys have a thing.

02:25:37.000 He's always looking for a thing.

02:25:40.000 Well, Big Jay took it from Dice, the weightlifting gloves.

02:25:42.000 That's Big Jay's homage.

02:25:44.000 People don't know that.

02:25:45.000 That's his homage to Dice Clay.

02:25:47.000 Really?

02:25:47.000 Yeah, the weightlifting gloves.

02:25:48.000 Big Jay's a giant Dice fan.

02:25:50.000 He loves them.

02:25:51.000 Giant Dice fan.

02:25:51.000 Yeah.

02:25:52.000 Who isn't?

02:25:53.000 Dude, I brought Dice to meet Jay on a roof party on July 4th.

02:25:57.000 This year?

02:25:59.000 Yeah.

02:25:59.000 I think this year.

02:26:00.000 So a couple months ago?

02:26:01.000 Yeah, maybe.

02:26:02.000 Yeah, November.

02:26:03.000 Yeah, that sounds about right.

02:26:04.000 Could have been a year ago, but I think this year.

02:26:06.000 How funny is he?

02:26:07.000 You don't even know.

02:26:08.000 Yeah, I don't know.

02:26:08.000 It's time.

02:26:09.000 You know how it works.

02:26:12.000 But I was like, hey, come meet me.

02:26:13.000 My friend Jay wants to meet you.

02:26:15.000 And then we were just up on the roof.

02:26:16.000 He was like, Jay, can you meet somebody?

02:26:17.000 He was talking.

02:26:17.000 He was like, yeah, hang on.

02:26:18.000 I was like, no, just real quick.

02:26:19.000 And then he looked.

02:26:19.000 He was like, oh, wow.

02:26:22.000 That's awesome.

02:26:23.000 Yeah.

02:26:23.000 Yeah, we were going to do a podcast with him and Dice.

02:26:26.000 Really?

02:26:26.000 At that point in time.

02:26:26.000 But I don't remember what happened.

02:26:27.000 I probably dropped the ball.

02:26:28.000 Chef Kumia and Dice doing dice-offs.

02:26:31.000 Oh!

02:26:31.000 They're friends, right?

02:26:32.000 Yeah, they're friends.

02:26:33.000 I know they had a thing for a while.

02:26:35.000 That's squashed.

02:26:36.000 That was one of the best feuds.

02:26:38.000 That's a good feud.

02:26:39.000 Oh, radio feuds?

02:26:40.000 Oh, radio feuds were great.

02:26:42.000 He would do radio feuds on purpose, but Dice would get into feuds on purpose.

02:26:46.000 On purpose?

02:26:47.000 Yeah, so much of it was like theater.

02:26:48.000 People don't know all the crazy shit he did.

02:26:51.000 He commits so hard.

02:26:53.000 Remember when he had those comics acting out some movie that he was filming with his VHS camera?

02:26:57.000 The never-ending Dice movie.

02:26:58.000 That he'd edit, by the way, he'd edit by like, say stop, and he'd rewind and press pause right there and start recording from there.

02:27:04.000 Yes, yes.

02:27:04.000 You couldn't go back and edit.

02:27:06.000 No, he didn't have any software.

02:27:08.000 Forward, backwards, forward, backwards.

02:27:09.000 Oh, stop!

02:27:10.000 That guy's about to punch you.

02:27:10.000 Now you be mid-punch.

02:27:12.000 This is after he had sold out like, what, 300 stadiums?

02:27:16.000 Yeah.

02:27:17.000 He sold out arenas and stadiums all across the world.

02:27:20.000 I mean, he was a giant superstar.

02:27:22.000 After that, he's recording these fucking weird impromptu He made us have characters.

02:27:31.000 Miles Jobbani would show up and he goes, you're the foreigner.

02:27:33.000 And every time you show up, I'm going to give you the evil eye.

02:27:36.000 I'm like, yeah, be the foreigner.

02:27:37.000 And then Miles was like, mm-hmm.

02:27:39.000 He'd have to look back at him.

02:27:40.000 We couldn't go on stage.

02:27:41.000 We'd have to do this dice thing.

02:27:42.000 I got to go on stage.

02:27:43.000 So I'm going to put up Sony Armstrong first.

02:27:45.000 Yeah.

02:27:47.000 Renazisi was Tower 2. Oh my god.

02:27:49.000 Maz was the foreigner.

02:27:50.000 He had me and Bobby, while we were fighting, he made us come into these and beat each other up.

02:27:55.000 Oh my god.

02:27:56.000 Yeah.

02:27:57.000 So ridiculous.

02:27:58.000 So ridiculous.

02:27:58.000 We would slam each other's heads against shit.

02:28:01.000 But in that way, he's very unique.

02:28:02.000 His son would choke you out.

02:28:04.000 Who would you say Dice is like?

02:28:05.000 If someone said, what's Dice like in real life?

02:28:07.000 I'd be like, what?

02:28:09.000 What is he like?

02:28:10.000 You don't know anybody like him.

02:28:11.000 Why am I telling you?

02:28:13.000 You have to meet him.

02:28:14.000 You can't understand it.

02:28:15.000 Yeah, you can't.

02:28:16.000 You don't know.

02:28:17.000 He's wearing old Jewish lady sunglasses.

02:28:20.000 They're enormous.

02:28:21.000 The glasses are enormous.

02:28:23.000 Giant sweatshirt.

02:28:24.000 He gave up on dyeing his hair.

02:28:25.000 It's all gray now.

02:28:26.000 He slicks it back.

02:28:27.000 Yeah, the glasses are like the Elvis, not rhinestones, but the thick gold that goes back here to get shorter.

02:28:33.000 He's legit at the gym every day.

02:28:35.000 So he does a lot of videos from the gym because he does work out a lot still.

02:28:39.000 He has a term called in the cage.

02:28:41.000 Look at those fucking glasses!

02:28:43.000 Oh my god, that picture's amazing.

02:28:45.000 Just diamonds everywhere.

02:28:48.000 That picture's amazing.

02:28:49.000 Look at the one above it, the upper left.

02:28:51.000 That's just as good.

02:28:51.000 That's classic dice.

02:28:52.000 That's classic dice.

02:28:54.000 Me and Kumia and Jimmy and fuck, who else went with us?

02:29:02.000 Somebody else went with us.

02:29:03.000 I went with you once to the dice show in Vegas.

02:29:06.000 You were there too?

02:29:07.000 I think I went a different time than you guys went.

02:29:09.000 Oh man, we all went to the Riviera.

02:29:11.000 Before the Riviera closed, he was up in the upstairs room.

02:29:13.000 The large room?

02:29:15.000 Yeah.

02:29:15.000 Dude, we had such a good time.

02:29:18.000 Look at those giant sideburns.

02:29:19.000 Yep.

02:29:21.000 Look at them.

02:29:22.000 Love them.

02:29:24.000 But it was such a funny...

02:29:24.000 Italian Wolverine.

02:29:25.000 I know.

02:29:26.000 It's funny.

02:29:26.000 He shaved the thing down the bottom.

02:29:28.000 This is my new sideburns.

02:29:32.000 Yeah, so he has all that.

02:29:33.000 He's always looking for a goof.

02:29:35.000 Just always.

02:29:36.000 Always.

02:29:36.000 He doesn't know what it will be yet, but he'll just like...

02:29:39.000 He gave somebody his phone number out on radio one day.

02:29:43.000 He was about to get a new phone, and so on radio he goes, Hey, my old phone number is...

02:29:47.000 He didn't say old phone number.

02:29:47.000 He goes, My phone number is this.

02:29:49.000 And he goes, give me a call.

02:29:50.000 I'll talk to you.

02:29:51.000 And people start talking to him and calling him.

02:29:53.000 He said, come to my car.

02:29:54.000 He turned it on.

02:29:55.000 As soon as he turned it on, it just starts ringing.

02:29:57.000 People are calling him nonstop.

02:29:58.000 They go, hello?

02:29:59.000 Yeah.

02:29:59.000 Yeah, it's me.

02:30:03.000 He got this one guy where he started calling the guy back.

02:30:07.000 And then he started, like, bothering the guy.

02:30:08.000 Oh my god.

02:30:10.000 He would call him at work.

02:30:12.000 And he'd be like, hello.

02:30:13.000 He's like, hey, it's just Andrew.

02:30:15.000 The guy's like, Dice, I can't.

02:30:16.000 After talking to him, his dream was to talk to Dice.

02:30:19.000 And now Dice is just calling him at work.

02:30:20.000 A week later, he's like, Dice, I'm at work right now.

02:30:21.000 I really can't.

02:30:22.000 He's like, so what kind of work you're doing right now?

02:30:24.000 What is it?

02:30:25.000 Who's there?

02:30:26.000 Just bothering him.

02:30:27.000 Until the guy was, like, avoiding his call.

02:30:30.000 But the fact that that would be the thing that gets his gear spinning.

02:30:35.000 That would be it.

02:30:36.000 I know what I want to do.

02:30:38.000 Yeah.

02:30:39.000 That would be what he wants to do.

02:30:41.000 He would either be the butt of the joke or he'd have somebody else watching him.

02:30:46.000 Yeah.

02:30:48.000 Classic human.

02:30:49.000 And just love them all the time.

02:30:53.000 And it's like, even to this day, he's still doing it.

02:30:56.000 If someone was in the back steps of the comedy store, and let's say you're a fan, but let's say you're standing straight up, and I'm two steps up.

02:31:00.000 He can't see, I don't think.

02:31:02.000 You got to focus?

02:31:03.000 Okay, so I'm two steps.

02:31:04.000 You're standing up, I'm standing up.

02:31:05.000 I'm two steps.

02:31:06.000 I'm on a step.

02:31:07.000 And you're like, oh, Dice, nice to meet you.

02:31:09.000 You do that.

02:31:10.000 Hey, Dice, nice to meet you.

02:31:11.000 Oh, yeah.

02:31:12.000 Nice to meet you, too.

02:31:13.000 He just looks.

02:31:14.000 Yeah, that's really good.

02:31:15.000 I just never looked down.

02:31:16.000 The guy's like, a big fan.

02:31:17.000 He's like, oh yeah, that's great.

02:31:18.000 Thanks a lot.

02:31:19.000 I just not come down, not look down.

02:31:21.000 He's like, oh, it's great.

02:31:23.000 It's always great to meet a fan.

02:31:24.000 Yeah, that's great.

02:31:25.000 The guy's like, okay, sure.

02:31:27.000 I see ya.

02:31:28.000 And then he'd sit down and just ask if we saw that.

02:31:30.000 Jesus.

02:31:32.000 God.

02:31:33.000 He's crazy.

02:31:34.000 Yeah, he's a legit character.

02:31:36.000 He's always in it for the goof.

02:31:37.000 He's a legit character, right?

02:31:41.000 His message, I remember realizing at some point I didn't have to grow up in this business.

02:31:45.000 Like, I still had thoughts of, like, even though I'm not going to be a lawyer, but, like, that's still the direction I'm supposed to head, you know?

02:31:51.000 Right.

02:31:51.000 You have to be distinguished?

02:31:54.000 Yeah, or something.

02:31:55.000 You have to change your behavior.

02:31:56.000 Yeah, like, it's going to happen.

02:31:57.000 I'm going to become an adult.

02:31:58.000 And then I heard, I called Dice, and his answering machine was, I'm like, dude, that's the guy in his mid-50s.

02:32:06.000 Right.

02:32:07.000 And I'm like, oh, maybe I don't have to grow up.

02:32:10.000 Maybe I could just be like fucking whatever.

02:32:14.000 The guy never changed.

02:32:16.000 I don't think you have to grow up.

02:32:17.000 I think people will put pressure on you because they have to grow up.

02:32:21.000 Maybe.

02:32:21.000 They're like, why don't you have to grow up?

02:32:23.000 Enablers.

02:32:24.000 Yeah.

02:32:25.000 As long as you're paying your bills, as long as you're paying your taxes, as long as you're not a deadbeat dad.

02:32:34.000 Keep child abuse to a minimum.

02:32:36.000 You said that.

02:32:37.000 So you're not saying minimum?

02:32:39.000 I don't understand.

02:32:40.000 As long as you're a good person, who gives a shit if you grow up?

02:32:44.000 Yeah.

02:32:45.000 What is happening?

02:32:46.000 What are we doing?

02:32:46.000 We have a finite time here.

02:32:48.000 We're deciding we want people to behave in a certain way.

02:32:51.000 All you want people, just don't be an asshole.

02:32:53.000 Doesn't matter if you grow up or not grow up.

02:32:55.000 Yeah.

02:32:56.000 These guys like Dice are having a great fucking time.

02:32:58.000 Ever see somebody like...

02:32:59.000 One day he's gonna die.

02:33:00.000 And I hope he dies in the middle of a prank.

02:33:02.000 And I hope people don't realize.

02:33:04.000 That way you make him happy.

02:33:05.000 Make him so happy.

02:33:06.000 Because I'm on stage dead and everyone just kept waiting.

02:33:08.000 What's the option?

02:33:09.000 What's option number two?

02:33:11.000 Nobody's living forever, folks.

02:33:12.000 It's not happening.

02:33:14.000 This is as good as it gets.

02:33:15.000 I will tell you, if Dice dies on stage, and you're a comic in the area, and at some point people start to realize, oh fuck, this is not a prank, you know?

02:33:23.000 Yeah.

02:33:23.000 If you get up there and realize he's dead, you should say, what?

02:33:28.000 Oh, okay.

02:33:29.000 And then stand up and be like, it's a fucking gag.

02:33:32.000 And then just leave it up there for a while longer.

02:33:35.000 Yeah.

02:33:35.000 See how long you keep it going.

02:33:37.000 He would have wanted it that way.

02:33:38.000 Yeah.

02:33:39.000 I think so.

02:33:40.000 Yeah.

02:33:43.000 For sure.

02:33:44.000 Yeah.

02:33:46.000 Yeah, he's nuts.

02:33:47.000 He's the best.

02:33:49.000 He's just funny.

02:33:50.000 That's just a way to live.

02:33:51.000 He made Norton and Florentine introduce him like they go into a Subway sandwich shop and they'd be like, ladies and gentlemen, avert your eyes!

02:33:58.000 The legend is coming in!

02:33:59.000 And then he would like walk in to a Subway sandwich shop.

02:34:03.000 That's hilarious.

02:34:04.000 Yeah.

02:34:05.000 That would be a great show.

02:34:06.000 You have just dice on the road and someone announces him like that everywhere he goes.

02:34:10.000 Da-da-da-da-da-da-da!

02:34:13.000 Yeah.

02:34:14.000 Peasants, please!

02:34:15.000 The legend!

02:34:16.000 Clear the floor!

02:34:18.000 He banned me from his house for a year once.

02:34:20.000 What'd you do?

02:34:21.000 I didn't do anything.

02:34:22.000 Did you dose his kids?

02:34:23.000 I did not dose his kids.

02:34:24.000 No?

02:34:25.000 I would never do that.

02:34:27.000 Mostly, I'm scared of dice.

02:34:29.000 He said he had a gun in his desk drawer, and I was like, no, you don't.

02:34:33.000 No way.

02:34:33.000 You would never have him around your kids, because I do.

02:34:35.000 And he said he'd bet me $200.

02:34:37.000 And I'm like, you know I don't have $200, so I can't make that bet.

02:34:40.000 And he goes, all right, well, I do.

02:34:42.000 And then he's all left his thing and goes, don't look in there.

02:34:45.000 I'm like, I'm not going to look in there.

02:34:46.000 He goes, don't fucking look in there.

02:34:47.000 And I won't.

02:34:48.000 And then Freddie Soto, fucking fuckface Freddie Soto, told him, I was just in the office, told him that I went into his drawer.

02:34:55.000 He said I was rifling through his drawers.

02:34:57.000 And Dice's like, that's it.

02:34:58.000 It's a lie.

02:34:58.000 It was a lie by Freddie Soto.

02:34:59.000 And Dice's like, you're out.

02:35:00.000 You're banned from the house.

02:35:01.000 Couldn't go to barbecues anymore.

02:35:02.000 Yeah.

02:35:03.000 I was rifling through his affairs, which never happened.

02:35:05.000 Dice, I never did that.

02:35:06.000 I was in the room.

02:35:08.000 Why do you think Freddie did that?

02:35:09.000 Well, of course, because of that reason.

02:35:10.000 Because he got me banned.

02:35:12.000 He wanted to get you back.

02:35:13.000 Yeah!

02:35:13.000 Why do you think Freddie would want to get you back?

02:35:15.000 I think he was jealous of my upbringing and how I had a foosball table at home.

02:35:18.000 And it always bothered him that he didn't have that growing up in Texas.

02:35:21.000 Interesting.

02:35:22.000 Maybe.

02:35:22.000 Interesting.

02:35:23.000 I'm not sure.

02:35:23.000 But the point is, I never wrote through his affairs.

02:35:25.000 You know what Burt said once that was really freaky?

02:35:28.000 Yeah.

02:35:28.000 He was high, too.

02:35:29.000 So don't.

02:35:30.000 Take this with a grain of salt.

02:35:31.000 Burt goes, I don't think you ever die.

02:35:34.000 I go, what are you talking about?

02:35:35.000 People die.

02:35:36.000 He goes, prove it.

02:35:37.000 You haven't died.

02:35:39.000 I don't think you die.

02:35:44.000 Prove it's a good one, though.

02:35:45.000 Here's the thing.

02:35:47.000 Prove it's a good, like, yeah, good point.

02:35:49.000 Sort of.

02:35:50.000 Yeah, but what are you saying then?

02:35:53.000 Like, I've had enough people come on this podcast that have you semi-convinced that you're living in some sort of simulation.

02:35:58.000 What does he think happens?

02:35:59.000 That's a good question.

02:36:00.000 What do you think he thinks happens?

02:36:01.000 When he has seen bodies no longer have life in them, right?

02:36:05.000 Right, but that's not you.

02:36:06.000 It's not him.

02:36:09.000 So those people are all just the players?

02:36:11.000 I don't know.

02:36:12.000 I don't know what he's saying.

02:36:12.000 Is he saying he's the only thing in the universe?

02:36:14.000 I've heard that theory.

02:36:15.000 Or is he saying like none of us die?

02:36:17.000 What if everyone was the only person in their own universe, and everyone's universe intersects with other people's universes, and that you think that the universe you exist in is the same as the one that I exist in because we hang out together.

02:36:34.000 Yeah.

02:36:35.000 But the actual universe in your world is revolved around you.

02:36:40.000 And in your world...

02:36:41.000 Dun, dun, dun.

02:36:41.000 Mine revolves around me.

02:36:43.000 Can I pitch a movie real quick?

02:36:44.000 Yes.

02:36:44.000 Once one guy realizes that he's in that, he's able to travel to other universes, has to kill the one person from each universe that's the real person.

02:36:51.000 Yes.

02:36:52.000 Time travel.

02:36:53.000 Space travel.

02:36:53.000 And the one will find him.

02:36:54.000 Yeah.

02:36:55.000 Is that a movie?

02:36:55.000 Is that another movie from John Clark?

02:36:57.000 Not John Clark, but there's a movie coming out.

02:37:00.000 It's...

02:37:01.000 It's been made, I believe, or they're finishing it now.

02:37:03.000 It's coming out next year with Ryan Reynolds, where he plays an NPC character in a video game that realizes he's that.

02:37:09.000 Oh, yeah, yeah.

02:37:10.000 And, like, whatever hilarity ensues.

02:37:12.000 Oh, that's fine.

02:37:13.000 It's a comedy?

02:37:13.000 I don't know exactly.

02:37:14.000 No, it's serious.

02:37:15.000 It's an action comedy.

02:37:15.000 He plays an NPC, non-player character.

02:37:18.000 That's like the ultimate nerd diss, right?

02:37:21.000 They call someone an NPC? That means you're just, like, a dead-on.

02:37:24.000 Just, like, walking into a wall.

02:37:26.000 Yeah, just a guy pulling nails out of wood.

02:37:28.000 Yeah.

02:37:28.000 By the way, if anyone makes that movie, you're welcome to.

02:37:30.000 We both give you permission.

02:37:31.000 Yeah, go ahead.

02:37:32.000 We want tickets to the premiere.

02:37:33.000 Yeah.

02:37:33.000 That's all we want.

02:37:34.000 And say it's based on a conversation between Ari Shaffir and Joe Rogan.

02:37:37.000 The Joe Rogan experience.

02:37:38.000 And Ari Shaffir's taping of his new motherfucking comedy special will be February 8th.

02:37:46.000 New York, Manhattan, right near Washington Square Park at the Skirball Center.

02:37:50.000 And AriTheGreat.com.

02:37:52.000 AriTheGreat.com for tickets.

02:37:53.000 I'll post it on my Twitter, my Instagram, and yeah, February, two shows.

02:37:57.000 I like how after all these years, you still are slurring your words together.

02:38:03.000 You've never bothered fixing that.

02:38:05.000 How have I made a living?

02:38:07.000 It's amazing.

02:38:08.000 I don't know.

02:38:08.000 We would joke around sometimes about you.

02:38:12.000 Especially when we do tag team, when you're introducing people, it's like you're fucking already done in your head.

02:38:17.000 Yeah, I don't want to get out of there.

02:38:18.000 So you're rushing it out.

02:38:21.000 He's great, he's great, he's great.

02:38:23.000 I'll join words.

02:38:24.000 I'll make four into two.

02:38:27.000 Sometimes I'll get seven into three.

02:38:29.000 That's a punch drunk thing, too.

02:38:31.000 You think I'm punch drunk?

02:38:32.000 No, I don't think you are.

02:38:33.000 But that does happen.

02:38:33.000 I know you're not, in fact.

02:38:34.000 But some people who are, one of the things is they start slurring their words together.

02:38:39.000 You hear them talking like...

02:38:42.000 They all sound the same.

02:38:44.000 They start talking about...

02:38:47.000 Like they can't get their mouth to move as fast as their brain?

02:38:50.000 Something's wrong.

02:38:53.000 Shit's not firing right.

02:38:55.000 Brain damage, son.

02:38:56.000 That's what we were talking about earlier.

02:38:57.000 I know too many people that have been hit in the head.

02:39:00.000 It's just, after a while, man, and the thing is, you can retire now, and you start getting headaches like three, four years from now.

02:39:09.000 Depression might set in five, six years from now.

02:39:12.000 Seven, eight years from now, you might have memory issues.

02:39:15.000 It's not a simple, like, as soon as you're done, like, here you are right now.

02:39:19.000 Like, as if you stop fighting, like, right now, today, and you're like, I think I stopped fighting at a good time.

02:39:24.000 I got my faculties.

02:39:25.000 I'm all fine right now.

02:39:26.000 Maybe.

02:39:27.000 But maybe all the times you've been hit over those years leading up to that is going to start to kick in years from now.

02:39:33.000 That's why you see some fighters, they're fine when they retire, but then you see them 10 years after they retire and you can barely understand a word they're saying.

02:39:40.000 That's what's going on there.

02:39:42.000 That's when it's kicking in.

02:39:43.000 People die of heart disease like years after they stop doing coke.

02:39:46.000 Is that true?

02:39:46.000 Yeah.

02:39:47.000 That makes sense.

02:39:47.000 Their hearts just got weaker.

02:39:48.000 Yeah, that makes sense.

02:39:50.000 I long for the day when they figure out how to revitalize brains.

02:39:56.000 When they figure out how to, whether it's through stem cells or something.

02:40:00.000 Snorting a stem cell?

02:40:01.000 Snorting it, yeah.

02:40:04.000 You have to suck one of those Chinese guys' giant monster dick, and that's where the best stem cells are?

02:40:10.000 That's in a rhino horn.

02:40:12.000 That was the only way to fix TBI. You had to suck a giant super person's dick.

02:40:18.000 That's right.

02:40:18.000 We have a cure.

02:40:20.000 We have a cure.

02:40:20.000 And also a catch.

02:40:21.000 We have shot it right into these monster cocks.

02:40:24.000 That would be the Chinese porn film with these guys.

02:40:26.000 That would be the debut.

02:40:27.000 The only way to cure brain damage would be you'd have to suck one of their cocks.

02:40:32.000 You'd get these old football players, their bad knees, suck these giant Chinese cocks.

02:40:37.000 And they're like, but what if sucking this cock, the act of it, gave me more depression?

02:40:41.000 And they're like, well, second treatment.

02:40:42.000 No, no, no.

02:40:43.000 The cure is so good.

02:40:44.000 It's so yummy.

02:40:45.000 You're going to love it.

02:40:46.000 You're going to want to suck all the cocks.

02:40:47.000 It's like the first cock you suck.

02:40:48.000 You're not going to want to have only one cock in here.

02:40:50.000 What's hard is just going ahead and jumping the cue.

02:40:53.000 Just get in there and suck that cock.

02:40:55.000 The first one is the biggest one.

02:40:57.000 You're already a cocksucker.

02:40:58.000 What are you worried about?

02:40:59.000 Just suck to your heart's content.

02:41:02.000 Now he's happy because it tastes good.

02:41:04.000 The shame's gone.

02:41:05.000 It's over.

02:41:06.000 Yeah.

02:41:06.000 And it cures all of his brain damage.

02:41:08.000 Fixes his knees.

02:41:09.000 You would get treatments all the time.

02:41:10.000 Women like Botox women that are addicted to it, you would have that.

02:41:13.000 Imagine if that's where all of the best stem cells came from.

02:41:17.000 They came from a dude's dick.

02:41:19.000 And if you really wanted to get them, you've got to get them right from the tap because you can't have them in the air.

02:41:22.000 They die instantly.

02:41:23.000 So you've got to literally take it from the cock to your mouth.

02:41:26.000 Sorry, there's no other way.

02:41:27.000 Okay.

02:41:30.000 Jamie's like, I'd rather have brain damage.

02:41:32.000 Can I picture a movie?

02:41:33.000 Sure.

02:41:34.000 Does it have to do with coxies?

02:41:35.000 Yes, it does.

02:41:35.000 It's a lot of that.

02:41:36.000 So, these Chinese guys are actually bred in a lab to make...

02:41:39.000 They're not out in the streets, but then they get...

02:41:41.000 But that's just to milk them for their fucking juice.

02:41:44.000 Juice.

02:41:45.000 You know?

02:41:45.000 Right.

02:41:46.000 Super sperm.

02:41:47.000 And they get out.

02:41:48.000 They get out.

02:41:48.000 One didn't lock the door.

02:41:49.000 Oh, they get out to the streets.

02:41:51.000 And then it's these monster guys.

02:41:52.000 And people want to kill them, but also, like, don't kill them!

02:41:55.000 We need their sperm.

02:41:56.000 Right.

02:41:56.000 So it's first they try to capture him alive.

02:41:59.000 They're also massive dudes.

02:42:01.000 And then people want to suck their dick.

02:42:02.000 So when they're about to be caught, maybe that'll have something to do with it.

02:42:05.000 Right.

02:42:05.000 The cops in the backseat sucking his dick when they're arresting him.

02:42:08.000 That's how they'll get out a bunch.

02:42:09.000 I got a bad back.

02:42:10.000 Do you mind?

02:42:10.000 Before we go in there, do you mind?

02:42:12.000 No, it's okay.

02:42:12.000 So we suck you off real quick?

02:42:14.000 That would be the greatest fucking gay porno of all time.

02:42:20.000 Yeah, it would.

02:42:20.000 You'd have to really shoot it well.

02:42:22.000 A giant Superman, engineered Superman with a giant hard dick, and everybody wants to suck his dick because it cures all of your ailments.

02:42:29.000 Yeah, and he wants out to live his free life.

02:42:31.000 I've had a bad ACL since 86. It's too important.

02:42:34.000 You can't live free.

02:42:35.000 I'll suck it.

02:42:36.000 That's all you have to do.

02:42:37.000 Yeah, you can bribe it.

02:42:39.000 You can bribe any game.

02:42:40.000 I mean, it's great.

02:42:41.000 They've done research.

02:42:43.000 They know, but imagine if that was the only way you could get the best stem cells.

02:42:47.000 It was like Jesus touching you.

02:42:48.000 Yeah.

02:42:49.000 Yeah, I mean, it's the growing of it.

02:42:51.000 He would constantly escape.

02:42:53.000 How much do you make a year, officer?

02:42:55.000 50 grand?

02:42:56.000 What are you hurt?

02:42:57.000 You got stabbed in your once.

02:42:58.000 I can...

02:42:59.000 Let's just make it.

02:43:01.000 Just open your mouth.

02:43:02.000 I'll jerk off in it.

02:43:02.000 You don't even have to suck it.

02:43:03.000 Your wife's got the cancer.

02:43:05.000 Your wife's got cancer.

02:43:06.000 You can shotgun it from my...

02:43:08.000 She don't have to suck it.

02:43:09.000 You can shotgun it.

02:43:10.000 You can take it and then put it up.

02:43:12.000 I get why you wouldn't want her to do it.

02:43:13.000 I'll tell you when.

02:43:14.000 Just pretend you're sucking on your own thumb.

02:43:15.000 Close your throat.

02:43:16.000 Ready, go!

02:43:16.000 Close your throat.

02:43:18.000 Now spit it in her mouth.

02:43:19.000 Spit it in her mouth.

02:43:20.000 Swallow it!

02:43:21.000 Feel the healing.

02:43:22.000 Yeah, it can't hit air at all.

02:43:24.000 That's the catch.

02:43:25.000 Can't hit air.

02:43:25.000 You gotta make it airtight.

02:43:28.000 Someone has to plug your butt during those two.

02:43:30.000 At least with the toe.

02:43:34.000 How long before women have robot fuck dolls?

02:43:37.000 Once men have robot fuck dolls, how many years before women have them after that?

02:43:42.000 Well, I think it'll be when men allow the women to have it.

02:43:45.000 I don't think it's a good idea to let them have it.

02:43:47.000 They already have it.

02:43:48.000 They already have it.

02:43:49.000 They just don't have the body that goes with it.

02:43:50.000 They already have the best fuck things.

02:43:52.000 They have vibrators and giant dongs and purple dicks and shit.

02:43:56.000 You want hardness.

02:43:57.000 Men want softness, which is harder to replicate than hardness.

02:44:01.000 What are you, a chemist?

02:44:03.000 Some man would want something interesting that a woman would probably take advantage of.

02:44:07.000 Like what?

02:44:07.000 What do you mean?

02:44:08.000 Not all men want to...

02:44:12.000 How high are you?

02:44:13.000 I don't know what you're saying.

02:44:15.000 What the fuck are you saying?

02:44:16.000 Some guy's gonna want something up his ass, basically.

02:44:19.000 Oh, yeah, for sure, for sure.

02:44:20.000 Some girl's gonna take eventually.

02:44:22.000 Yeah, but they can use...

02:44:23.000 Some girl's gonna take?

02:44:23.000 Oh, you're saying that's how they get it?

02:44:25.000 Commandeer that machine or that device.

02:44:26.000 I get what you're saying.

02:44:27.000 Be like, oh, it was made for a guy, but guess what?

02:44:28.000 It'll be a sext off a man, then the gays will be like, I'm a man, I want mine, and the women are like, can I use yours while you're not using it?

02:44:35.000 Right, right, so So if a gay guy has a fuck doll, then he...

02:44:38.000 I get it.

02:44:38.000 Like a massager's not for a massage.

02:44:40.000 It's for whatever girls use it for.

02:44:42.000 When the lesbian forecloses on the gay man's house for partying all day and not working, then she can use their fuck doll.

02:44:49.000 Yeah, industrious lesbian.

02:44:50.000 She goes, listen, Luther, you're a loser, but you got a good fuck doll.

02:44:55.000 Clean your up and bring it by my place.

02:44:56.000 Yeah.

02:44:57.000 Is this all part of the movie?

02:44:58.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah, this is how it ends.

02:45:00.000 It ends with a lesbian entrepreneur getting the fuck doll in payment for back rent.

02:45:07.000 This, I mean, we're about 50 years away from having indistinguishable, I just made that number up, but I'm pretty confident, indistinguishable human robots.

02:45:16.000 That's exactly right.

02:45:16.000 I think it's about right, right?

02:45:17.000 Yeah.

02:45:18.000 Right about when you and I are ready to kick the bucket.

02:45:21.000 We'll be walking.

02:45:22.000 There'll be robots hanging out at Starbucks.

02:45:23.000 And we'll go, that's not a real person.

02:45:25.000 Remember that?

02:45:25.000 Yeah, this was already on my pad just when I walked in here.

02:45:27.000 So I believe you're correct.

02:45:29.000 Wow.

02:45:30.000 You wrote that already?

02:45:31.000 Yeah, that was already on here.

02:45:32.000 That's incredible.

02:45:34.000 What were you just doing with your hand that made it look like writing?

02:45:38.000 I don't know.

02:45:39.000 Okay.

02:45:40.000 I don't remember saying that.

02:45:41.000 Yeah, I don't see a pen.

02:45:42.000 There's nothing over there.

02:45:43.000 No.

02:45:44.000 Anyway.

02:45:45.000 Jew.

02:45:45.000 February 8th.

02:45:46.000 February 8th.

02:45:47.000 Ari Shaffir Jew.

02:45:49.000 Tickets in New York City.

02:45:51.000 Tickets at AriTheGreat.com.

02:45:54.000 AriTheGreat.com, yeah.

02:45:55.000 Skeptic Tank.

02:45:55.000 It's been outstanding.

02:45:57.000 Dude, I'm sorry.

02:45:57.000 Excellent podcast.

02:45:58.000 We were trying to do a swap cast.

02:46:00.000 Yeah, we'll do another one.

02:46:01.000 Okay.

02:46:01.000 We're around.

02:46:02.000 I want to have you on.

02:46:03.000 Yeah, we're going to talk about poisonous things, but we got high.

02:46:06.000 We did.

02:46:06.000 That was the plan is to do this and then swap it.

02:46:09.000 We could swap this.

02:46:10.000 No.

02:46:11.000 No.

02:46:11.000 We'll do another one.

02:46:12.000 We'll do another one.

02:46:13.000 We'll do it on things that scare you, right?

02:46:16.000 Yeah, those monsters.

02:46:17.000 That's shit you're always talking about.

02:46:18.000 Yeah.

02:46:18.000 Things that can kill you.

02:46:19.000 Yeah.

02:46:20.000 A lot of shit that can kill you, dude.

02:46:21.000 Yeah.

02:46:21.000 We could talk for days.

02:46:22.000 For days?

02:46:22.000 Yeah, we'll do it.

02:46:23.000 We'll do the next one.

02:46:24.000 We should do it in here because I would like to be able to call that shit up.

02:46:28.000 Yeah, we'll do it.

02:46:29.000 We'll do it again.

02:46:30.000 There you go, fuckers.

02:46:31.000 You get another podcast.

02:46:32.000 There you go.

02:46:33.000 Goodbye!

The Joe Rogan Experience - November 14, 2019

Joe Rogan Experience #1384 - Ari Shaffir

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