The Joe Rogan Experience - Joe Rogan Experience #1396

00:00:03.000 Yes!

00:00:04.000 How many lame wolf jokes have you had to endure in real life?

00:00:08.000 You know what?

00:00:09.000 I like them.

00:00:09.000 Do you?

00:00:10.000 What's the worst?

00:00:10.000 Bring them on.

00:00:12.000 Joe List constantly tries to get the nickname Wolf of Wall Street started.

00:00:17.000 Every time I see him, he's like, Wolf of Wall Street.

00:00:19.000 Why?

00:00:20.000 It's going to catch on.

00:00:21.000 He says it to no one.

00:00:22.000 It's going to catch on.

00:00:23.000 It's going to catch on.

00:00:26.000 You were saying that you like the turmeric coffee, but you don't like to admit that you like that stuff?

00:00:30.000 Yeah, I recently got into all this new-agey health stuff and crystals.

00:00:40.000 You got into crystals?

00:00:41.000 I mean, a little bit.

00:00:41.000 I'm on the fringe of the crystal.

00:00:44.000 For real?

00:00:44.000 I might be wearing a little rose quartz.

00:00:48.000 What's the thought behind being into crystals?

00:00:51.000 I honestly think a lot of it's just in your 30s at some point.

00:00:55.000 As a woman, I think you get into crystals.

00:00:58.000 Yeah, if you don't get a kid or a dog.

00:00:59.000 Yeah, you're just like, you know what?

00:01:01.000 Maybe I can bring some energy from somewhere.

00:01:05.000 It's like, why not?

00:01:06.000 Start burning sage.

00:01:07.000 Yeah.

00:01:10.000 I don't think it'll last forever.

00:01:12.000 I just think I'm in a little bit of a crystal phase right now.

00:01:16.000 Like a spiritual phase?

00:01:18.000 Kind of, yeah.

00:01:19.000 I was like thinking about, oh my god, this is so embarrassing.

00:01:22.000 Why am I starting so embarrassing?

00:01:23.000 I was thinking about maybe looking up like shamans in New York, you know, to be like, maybe I can get like, just explore the spiritual universe a little bit.

00:01:32.000 I think it means I'm lonely.

00:01:34.000 It probably means you're lonely.

00:01:35.000 But like shamans, like, do you want to do drugs?

00:01:39.000 Yeah.

00:01:40.000 Oh, I mean, I'd love to do ayahuasca.

00:01:42.000 Yeah, so they're not going to be listed.

00:01:45.000 You're going to have to find some.

00:01:46.000 You can't just Google them.

00:01:48.000 Some narc can just kind of Google ayahuasca.

00:01:53.000 You could get away with it legally right now in Oakland.

00:01:56.000 If you go to Oakland.

00:01:57.000 Oh, yeah?

00:01:57.000 Yeah, Oakland, they fucking stepped up.

00:02:00.000 They decriminalized everything.

00:02:01.000 Yeah, mushrooms are good.

00:02:02.000 Everything.

00:02:03.000 Everything.

00:02:03.000 They're like, fuck it.

00:02:04.000 Do it.

00:02:05.000 Yeah.

00:02:05.000 Yeah, which is what we need.

00:02:07.000 Slowly but surely, that's going to be the whole country.

00:02:09.000 I, mushrooms are, I love mushrooms.

00:02:12.000 Wanna do some right now?

00:02:13.000 I have too many other things to do today.

00:02:16.000 Although, I recently did them and I all of a sudden, I didn't realize this happened on mushrooms.

00:02:21.000 I got so giggly.

00:02:23.000 Oh yeah, if you take the right amount, you get super giggly.

00:02:26.000 Like just giggled for hours.

00:02:28.000 I was like, oh this is the best.

00:02:30.000 This is, I was, I'm sure I was annoying to everyone around me, which is also pretty normal, but like.

00:02:36.000 You know, I'm giggling non-stop at anything.

00:02:39.000 Well, a lot of people are microdosing now, and what they're doing is they're taking a level of, they're taking, like, enough psilocybin so that you don't quite feel it.

00:02:48.000 It's like knocking on the door, feeling it.

00:02:51.000 Like, almost there.

00:02:52.000 But they report this amazing alleviation of anxiety, they feel super creative and really friendly, and all these, like, powerful, positive vibes, but they're basically sober.

00:03:04.000 Yeah, I don't know.

00:03:05.000 Does it affect you if you actually wanted to take...

00:03:09.000 Oh, to blast off?

00:03:10.000 Yeah, would you have to take an extraordinary amount?

00:03:13.000 No, you can always blast off.

00:03:15.000 You're going to be able to blast off every single time.

00:03:18.000 I couldn't imagine that somehow or another it would get in the way.

00:03:21.000 The feeling that happens when you take a large dose where you just feel the tingling and you get fucking scared.

00:03:27.000 Yeah.

00:03:27.000 Like, that shit's coming.

00:03:28.000 I always have to put my hand here for hours.

00:03:31.000 Just like...

00:03:33.000 At the beginning of the Gulf War, like right after 9-11, Stanhope and I got fucked up on mushrooms, like the day of the war.

00:03:44.000 And we were watching TV, and they were like, war coverage.

00:03:46.000 We all gotta serve our country some way.

00:03:48.000 That's how we do it.

00:03:49.000 We get high and watch TV. And we were watching TV, and he said, war coverage begins today at 5. And he goes, holy shit, there's a kickoff for the war!

00:04:02.000 That war, the invasion of Iraq, the most recent one, not Desert Storm, but the most recent one, that is forever cemented in my head by mushrooms and him saying, holy shit, there's a kickoff!

00:04:17.000 There's a coin toss.

00:04:20.000 It was so weird.

00:04:22.000 That would make war more fun if they broadcast it like a game.

00:04:27.000 Good, right?

00:04:28.000 Yeah.

00:04:28.000 They're like, flag on the plate!

00:04:30.000 There's some IEDs.

00:04:32.000 It might be the future.

00:04:34.000 Like, when you have robot wars?

00:04:37.000 No, I don't.

00:04:38.000 Because in the future, I don't think people are going to be fighting people.

00:04:40.000 Robots scare me.

00:04:41.000 They should.

00:04:42.000 So much.

00:04:42.000 I don't know why we're making them.

00:04:44.000 I was doing a gig at MIT recently, and I spent the first ten minutes yelling at them to stop making robots.

00:04:50.000 They make these cheetahs!

00:04:52.000 Why are you making robot cheetahs?

00:04:54.000 What is the point of that?

00:04:56.000 Well, that's Boston Dynamics.

00:04:57.000 That's not MIT. Oh, yeah.

00:04:59.000 But there's all the same people.

00:05:03.000 They're all working together.

00:05:04.000 Lex works at MIT. Yeah, he's a professor at MIT, Lex Friedman, who's a specialist in AI. He's been on this podcast a couple times before.

00:05:11.000 Yeah.

00:05:12.000 They're a little bit too blasé about it.

00:05:14.000 Yeah, no, I don't like it.

00:05:15.000 I'm not a fan.

00:05:16.000 I won't even have an Alexa in my home.

00:05:18.000 Oh, don't fuck that.

00:05:19.000 They're listening.

00:05:20.000 Yeah.

00:05:20.000 They're listening.

00:05:21.000 I also feel like that, like, ten years from now, people are going to be like, do you remember she said she didn't want to have an Alexa in her home?

00:05:28.000 Yeah.

00:05:28.000 Like, that's, like, going to be the new racist.

00:05:30.000 Scarlet letter.

00:05:30.000 You hate robots.

00:05:32.000 Yeah.

00:05:32.000 They're going to put a mark in your door.

00:05:33.000 I'll never be senator now.

00:05:35.000 They'll put a black X on your door.

00:05:37.000 Doesn't like robots.

00:05:38.000 I hate them.

00:05:39.000 I hate them.

00:05:39.000 Never be senator.

00:05:41.000 You're not going to run for shit, right?

00:05:43.000 No.

00:05:43.000 Never.

00:05:44.000 Never.

00:05:45.000 I'm having too much fun.

00:05:47.000 Yeah.

00:05:47.000 Why would you want to stop having fun?

00:05:49.000 But did you think about, like, when Trump was giving you a hard time, did you think, hey, motherfucker, if I ran against you, I could really fuck you up?

00:05:58.000 Did you ever think about that?

00:05:59.000 No.

00:05:59.000 For a second while he was tweeting against you and all the craziness that was going there?

00:06:04.000 Never.

00:06:05.000 It didn't even occur to me, but also I'm still 34, so I couldn't even run if I wanted to.

00:06:11.000 How old do you have to be?

00:06:12.000 36?

00:06:12.000 35. 35?

00:06:13.000 You're close.

00:06:13.000 That's the only qualification for president.

00:06:16.000 35 and born here.

00:06:18.000 Yeah, right?

00:06:19.000 Isn't that crazy?

00:06:19.000 There should be more.

00:06:20.000 Born here is important.

00:06:21.000 Born here is super important.

00:06:22.000 Yeah.

00:06:23.000 Because you don't want anybody sneaking in and just ruining the entire country on a sneak tip.

00:06:27.000 Although if I was, I'd be like a long-game terrorist.

00:06:30.000 You know?

00:06:31.000 I'd be like, yeah, they were born here, but...

00:06:33.000 They were incels the whole time.

00:06:35.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:06:36.000 Half the kids over here.

00:06:37.000 This is three generations of Americans.

00:06:40.000 Yeah, they plan in advance.

00:06:41.000 They do plan, some terrorists and some organizations do plan things way, way, way in advance.

00:06:48.000 Yeah.

00:06:48.000 That's like the thing they say about China, that China plans things like hundreds of years out.

00:06:52.000 Yeah, they're good at it.

00:06:54.000 Yeah.

00:06:54.000 They're really, we underestimate China.

00:06:57.000 Well, how about that fucking wall?

00:06:58.000 How long did that take to make?

00:07:00.000 I don't know.

00:07:00.000 Probably like six days, knowing how hard they work.

00:07:04.000 I think it took hundreds of years.

00:07:06.000 They were just like, no, we got this.

00:07:08.000 Don't worry.

00:07:08.000 They were just getting tired of being invaded.

00:07:11.000 I mean, that country is like, I mean, they invented everything.

00:07:17.000 Everything.

00:07:18.000 They've been around forever.

00:07:19.000 They've been around forever.

00:07:20.000 And we just were like, no reason to be scared of them.

00:07:24.000 They've been China forever.

00:07:25.000 Forever.

00:07:26.000 Forever.

00:07:26.000 Yeah.

00:07:27.000 Yeah, I mean, America's a baby.

00:07:29.000 A little tiny baby.

00:07:30.000 Yeah, we're a little baby.

00:07:32.000 We're a little asshole baby.

00:07:34.000 They have bombs.

00:07:35.000 They have the best electronics.

00:07:37.000 They steal everything.

00:07:39.000 All the intellectual property.

00:07:40.000 They're like, fuck you.

00:07:41.000 They don't have any rules.

00:07:42.000 No, no, we copy.

00:07:43.000 I used to work at this tech company, and we had a lot of Chinese people that worked.

00:07:47.000 It was a computational biochemistry research lab, so of course we had a lot of Chinese people that worked there.

00:07:52.000 What are you trying to say?

00:07:53.000 Very smart and qualified.

00:07:56.000 That sounds racist.

00:07:58.000 And that's my favorite thing is when you're like, you're racist.

00:08:00.000 I just said you were smart.

00:08:02.000 Hey, we said you're amazing.

00:08:04.000 Is it racist that you guys are amazing?

00:08:06.000 Well, then people, they get, they're like, not all Chinese people are doing well.

00:08:09.000 And I'm like, yeah, I'm sure there's Chinese people that aren't doing well, but, you know, their parents never talk about them.

00:08:14.000 Well, there's a lot of Chinese people.

00:08:16.000 When you say not all Chinese people are doing well, there's fucking a billion of them.

00:08:19.000 Yeah, I mean, there's plenty that aren't doing well, but the ones that are doing well are doing really well.

00:08:25.000 Yeah, you're concentrating on the glasses half empty.

00:08:27.000 Yeah.

00:08:28.000 I mean, really.

00:08:28.000 There's a billion people.

00:08:30.000 The Chinese people that worked at this tech company, if they were Chinese nationals, they were only allowed to have access to certain parts.

00:08:38.000 Like, there were certain parts they had to keep separate from them and they couldn't know about.

00:08:42.000 Did they come over and stare at your computer?

00:08:45.000 I had one guy who worked there.

00:08:46.000 Okay, what are you working on?

00:08:49.000 Me, I'm just like, I'm just recruiting new people to work here.

00:08:52.000 You're not going to get anything from me.

00:08:54.000 I don't understand what we're doing here.

00:08:56.000 But the one guy who worked there, he came over, didn't know any English, and he learned English by watching Seinfeld.

00:09:03.000 So I kid you not, he had this Seinfeld cadence that he spoke with.

00:09:08.000 Where's the bedroom?

00:09:11.000 And he'd enter rooms a little bit like Kramer.

00:09:15.000 No.

00:09:15.000 I swear.

00:09:16.000 Not the full thing, but every time he'd come into the office, he'd be like, whoa.

00:09:19.000 No.

00:09:21.000 Really?

00:09:22.000 I swear.

00:09:22.000 Whoa.

00:09:23.000 That's weird.

00:09:24.000 I wonder if there's an equivalent show in China, where if you went over there and tried to learn Mandarin from a television show, what would you concentrate on?

00:09:30.000 Yeah.

00:09:33.000 I'm going to get too racist.

00:09:35.000 Hold on.

00:09:36.000 Chopsticks.

00:09:37.000 Don't say it.

00:09:38.000 Don't say it.

00:09:39.000 Chopsticks is racist.

00:09:41.000 No, it's racial, you fucks.

00:09:43.000 There's a difference between racial and racist.

00:09:45.000 Yeah, exactly.

00:09:45.000 I enjoy chopsticks.

00:09:46.000 It's a great way to eat salad, by the way.

00:09:48.000 It's a great way to eat slower.

00:09:50.000 Yeah.

00:09:51.000 Oh yeah, if you want to eat rice.

00:09:52.000 Yeah, it's real slow.

00:09:53.000 But if you want to eat salad, it's like the best way to eat salad.

00:09:56.000 I eat salad with chopsticks.

00:09:58.000 Yeah.

00:09:58.000 Because you ever try to like get a fork in a tomato?

00:10:01.000 It's fucking hard.

00:10:02.000 Yeah.

00:10:02.000 But you can grab a lot of lettuce with them chopsticks.

00:10:05.000 You know?

00:10:06.000 I'm going to try that next time.

00:10:07.000 Yeah, fuck yeah.

00:10:08.000 Like forks with sushi?

00:10:10.000 Get the fuck out of here.

00:10:11.000 You have to use chopsticks.

00:10:13.000 Yeah.

00:10:13.000 Or your hands.

00:10:14.000 I use my hands a lot.

00:10:15.000 You're an animal.

00:10:16.000 Yeah.

00:10:16.000 Savage.

00:10:17.000 Like a wolf.

00:10:19.000 Let's see how many we can get in this podcast.

00:10:22.000 We can get a couple.

00:10:23.000 I got some photos of wolves.

00:10:24.000 Did you see those wolves out there?

00:10:26.000 Oh, I saw those wolves.

00:10:26.000 Crazy, right?

00:10:27.000 I have wolf paw tattoo on my side.

00:10:30.000 Do you really?

00:10:31.000 Yeah.

00:10:31.000 How much do you regret that?

00:10:32.000 A lot or really a lot?

00:10:36.000 People are always like, are those cat paws?

00:10:39.000 And I'm like, yeah, whatever.

00:10:41.000 That fits too.

00:10:42.000 Yeah, whatever.

00:10:43.000 That's a weird one, the dog paw tattoo.

00:10:46.000 That's a common weird one.

00:10:47.000 Yeah.

00:10:48.000 Is it?

00:10:48.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:10:49.000 It's like barbed wire.

00:10:50.000 Oh, yeah.

00:10:51.000 I love a good barbed wire pad, too.

00:10:54.000 You got any barbed wire?

00:10:55.000 No.

00:10:56.000 I got two sleeves, though.

00:10:57.000 Yeah.

00:10:57.000 Both these arms are sleeved.

00:10:59.000 Yeah.

00:11:00.000 But it's all traditional.

00:11:01.000 Well, it's not really traditional Japanese stuff, but it's like Japanese new style American stuff.

00:11:07.000 Oh.

00:11:08.000 Yeah.

00:11:09.000 No pause.

00:11:10.000 No pause.

00:11:10.000 Not that I wouldn't have got one.

00:11:12.000 I'm lucky I didn't get a tattoo until I was like 25. And I didn't get sleeved until I was in my 30s.

00:11:17.000 Yeah.

00:11:18.000 Because I would have made some shit choices.

00:11:19.000 That should be a 30s decision.

00:11:21.000 Oh, God.

00:11:22.000 I see these kids today.

00:11:23.000 They're fucking 18. They got face tattoos.

00:11:25.000 Like, bro.

00:11:26.000 Yeah.

00:11:26.000 Slow down.

00:11:28.000 It's such a fun decision to make for your whole life.

00:11:31.000 Like Post Malone.

00:11:32.000 That kid's talented as fuck.

00:11:34.000 Really talented.

00:11:36.000 Yeah.

00:11:36.000 But always tired?

00:11:37.000 You tattooed always tired on your face?

00:11:40.000 Every time I see a picture of him, I get angry.

00:11:45.000 I just want to be like, I don't spend a ton of time in hair and makeup, but anytime I have something, there's at least a little hair and makeup.

00:11:55.000 And I'm looking at this guy, and I'm like, why can't we just be that?

00:11:59.000 Well, I think what he's doing, and what a lot of people are doing, is they're going way overboard to not give a fuck.

00:12:06.000 Just scribbling on their face.

00:12:08.000 Oh, yeah.

00:12:08.000 Did you see the Lizzo thing from the Lakers game last night?

00:12:11.000 No, did you feel that?

00:12:14.000 Oh, I thought it was an earthquake.

00:12:14.000 Happens all the time, I do too.

00:12:15.000 I panicked.

00:12:16.000 Oh, I've never been here for an earthquake.

00:12:18.000 We're due.

00:12:19.000 We're due for a big one.

00:12:20.000 That's what everyone keeps saying.

00:12:21.000 They said that there was a recent shift in one of the tectonic plates that it was the first time it moved in 500 years.

00:12:28.000 Uh-oh.

00:12:29.000 And they're like, oh, Jesus.

00:12:32.000 The other place I was thinking of moving to was Bozeman, Montana.

00:12:36.000 You know why, Jamie?

00:12:37.000 Because it's right next to Yellowstone.

00:12:38.000 So if it blows, it blows right on your fucking head.

00:12:42.000 Wait, like the geyser?

00:12:44.000 Well, do you know what Yellowstone is?

00:12:46.000 It's like a bunch of water under it, right?

00:12:48.000 Hot water?

00:12:49.000 Much, much, much, much, much more than that.

00:12:52.000 It's a continent destroyer.

00:12:53.000 I'm like, it's just hot water, right?

00:12:54.000 It's a continent destroyer.

00:12:56.000 It's a caldera volcano.

00:12:57.000 They didn't find out about it until satellites.

00:12:59.000 Wait, is that the geyser?

00:13:00.000 Oh, it's way more than a geyser.

00:13:02.000 The geyser's there, but the geyser is a result of underground volcanic activity.

00:13:06.000 Cool, cool.

00:13:06.000 There's a super volcano under Yellowstone that's so fucking big that when they first saw it, they didn't know what it was.

00:13:12.000 And then they realized it when they started looking at satellite images that it's essentially what happens when a volcano just completely explodes and the mountain disappears and it becomes like a crater.

00:13:21.000 Yeah.

00:13:22.000 So the whole top just blows up and happens every 600,000 to 800,000 years.

00:13:26.000 And the last time it happened was about 600,000 years ago.

00:13:29.000 Uh-oh.

00:13:30.000 They have thousands of earthquakes there.

00:13:33.000 And you want to live there?

00:13:34.000 Great place to live.

00:13:35.000 It's beautiful.

00:13:36.000 Oh, it's great out there.

00:13:37.000 Oh, it's so pretty.

00:13:38.000 You want to be there for the explosion?

00:13:40.000 Well, I feel like if it blows, you want to be there.

00:13:42.000 Because you don't want to be one of those people eating people.

00:13:45.000 Oh, that's true.

00:13:46.000 You don't want that.

00:13:47.000 That's why I never understood bomb shelters and stuff like that.

00:13:51.000 Yeah, preppers.

00:13:52.000 No, no, I'd rather not be around.

00:13:55.000 If an asteroid hits, you want it to hit you.

00:13:57.000 Yeah.

00:13:57.000 You literally want to see that giant city-sized thing just coming straight at you.

00:14:01.000 Yeah.

00:14:02.000 Just close your eyes and let's see what happens when you die.

00:14:04.000 Yeah.

00:14:04.000 I don't want any shrapnel.

00:14:06.000 Yeah.

00:14:07.000 I want the full...

00:14:07.000 No, you don't want that.

00:14:08.000 I want the full asteroid to my face.

00:14:10.000 Well, there's been a bunch of super volcanoes that have killed people.

00:14:12.000 There's one of them that we were...

00:14:15.000 We were talking about, what island was that, Jamie?

00:14:19.000 There was one that happened somewhere around, I think it was Indonesia, where it killed most of the population on Earth.

00:14:27.000 It was about 70,000 years ago.

00:14:29.000 They were down to just a few thousand human beings.

00:14:33.000 Toba.

00:14:34.000 Toba.

00:14:35.000 Is that near Indonesia, or am I making that up?

00:14:37.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:14:39.000 Super true.

00:14:40.000 Sumatra, yeah.

00:14:41.000 So where were the thousand people, though?

00:14:43.000 Yeah, great coffee.

00:14:44.000 Well, a few thousand people other places other than that.

00:14:48.000 Yeah.

00:14:49.000 Because what happens is you get, like, nuclear winter.

00:14:51.000 Yeah.

00:14:51.000 When the entire atmosphere gets filled with volcanic dust, and it gets freezing cold, it blocks out the sun, animals die.

00:14:57.000 Look at that bitch.

00:14:58.000 Whoa!

00:14:59.000 75,000 years ago.

00:15:01.000 But look how pretty it is now!

00:15:03.000 It's gorgeous.

00:15:04.000 Yeah, it's gorgeous now.

00:15:06.000 But I mean, when you see mountains, that's the result of activity.

00:15:10.000 You know, that's the result of plates moving and shit moving upwards.

00:15:16.000 Wait, but the people really trying not to care, the Lakers game last night, Lizzo.

00:15:23.000 Oh, Jesus.

00:15:24.000 Is that her?

00:15:24.000 Yeah.

00:15:25.000 What is she doing now?

00:15:26.000 And I actually, I went to the game last night, and she wore this t-shirt that had this big hole in the back, and she was just wearing a thong out of it.

00:15:35.000 My theory is that she forgot underwear and then cut it, and she was like, I can fashion it out of this hole.

00:15:41.000 I think that's calculated.

00:15:44.000 First of all, she's sitting on a seat.

00:15:47.000 Right there?

00:15:47.000 Right there.

00:15:48.000 Her butt is on that plastic Delta court side seat.

00:15:54.000 Well, you know, Lil Duval, he had a great point.

00:15:58.000 He put it on his Twitter page.

00:15:59.000 He said, how come when little skinny hot girls wear no clothes, everybody gets mad at them and calls them sluts.

00:16:08.000 But when big giant girls...

00:16:10.000 I don't think he said big giant girls.

00:16:11.000 I think he just said big.

00:16:12.000 I added giant.

00:16:13.000 He's like, when big girls dress like that, everybody celebrates.

00:16:21.000 Well, my biggest problem with it is that you'll see all these women, I'm sure, being like, she's just confident.

00:16:27.000 She's confident.

00:16:27.000 And I'm like, why does it still have to be...

00:16:30.000 It doesn't matter.

00:16:32.000 It's still wrapped up in women needing to feel sexy to feel confident.

00:16:36.000 Or you can just be a really good artist.

00:16:41.000 No, to be confident, you have to stick your ass out.

00:16:44.000 Yeah.

00:16:44.000 It's super important.

00:16:45.000 Yeah, it's very important.

00:16:46.000 That's what people do when they're confident.

00:16:48.000 Yeah.

00:16:48.000 It's like when baboons, when they're in estrus.

00:16:50.000 Look at her there, dancing around.

00:16:53.000 Well, you also got to remember, she's only been getting a lot.

00:16:56.000 Oh, Jesus Christ.

00:17:00.000 How long has she been getting attention for?

00:17:02.000 It hasn't been that long.

00:17:03.000 I feel like I've only known about her for like a year.

00:17:06.000 Yeah, so this is all new, you know?

00:17:08.000 Yeah.

00:17:09.000 Look, she's got an old iPhone.

00:17:12.000 See that iPhone?

00:17:13.000 Back that up, Jamie.

00:17:15.000 Back that up.

00:17:16.000 That shit had bezels on it.

00:17:17.000 Look.

00:17:18.000 See the bezels on that phone?

00:17:19.000 Back up.

00:17:20.000 Look at that.

00:17:20.000 See that?

00:17:21.000 See the top?

00:17:21.000 See the bottom?

00:17:22.000 She's got an old iPhone.

00:17:23.000 So do I. Do you?

00:17:25.000 Yeah.

00:17:25.000 You might be one of them weird people who likes to do it as a choice.

00:17:29.000 I just don't want a bigger phone.

00:17:30.000 Oh, okay.

00:17:31.000 It doesn't fit in my pocket.

00:17:32.000 I get it.

00:17:32.000 They're coming out with a new one, a new iPhone that's a real small one.

00:17:36.000 Yeah.

00:17:36.000 Like a four inch one.

00:17:37.000 You should call it a lady phone.

00:17:38.000 Lady phone.

00:17:39.000 See how mad people get.

00:17:40.000 People that are tired of fucking staring at their screen all day.

00:17:43.000 Maybe it'd be like less interesting.

00:17:44.000 Are you one of those people that wants to get into like flip phones again?

00:17:48.000 No, I have thought about getting a flip phone, but the problem is everybody iMessages me.

00:17:54.000 I've switched over to Android before.

00:17:56.000 It becomes a disaster.

00:17:57.000 You miss half the messages.

00:17:59.000 Apple fucks you.

00:18:00.000 They're trying to keep you from switching over.

00:18:02.000 Of course!

00:18:03.000 It's genius!

00:18:04.000 Well, when they figured out the blue text, too, the blue bubble carries status.

00:18:10.000 Someone with a green bubble, just like, what's wrong with you?

00:18:14.000 What are you doing?

00:18:15.000 Yeah.

00:18:16.000 I mean, get your life together.

00:18:17.000 Or you're one of them tech weirdos.

00:18:19.000 Like, deep, deep, deep in tech.

00:18:21.000 Like, you use Linux.

00:18:22.000 Oh, yeah, yeah.

00:18:23.000 You're just, like, coding all the time.

00:18:25.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:18:25.000 Like, you have your own, like, you made, like, your own phone program.

00:18:28.000 Yeah.

00:18:28.000 Like, what do they do with their phones?

00:18:31.000 It's not jailbreaking you do that with an iPhone, but you do something different with a...

00:18:34.000 Is it the same?

00:18:35.000 I think it's the same thing, yeah.

00:18:36.000 I thought it had a different name because I don't think it's jail.

00:18:39.000 Oh, I know what you mean.

00:18:40.000 What is it called?

00:18:42.000 There's various words for it.

00:18:43.000 It depends on bootloading, stuff like that.

00:18:45.000 Yeah, something like that.

00:18:47.000 So basically what they do is they erase everything off of the phone, start fresh with a clean version of Android.

00:18:54.000 And then they add their own skins and they add their own loaders.

00:18:59.000 Whatever makes them happy.

00:19:01.000 Launchers.

00:19:02.000 They have different launchers.

00:19:03.000 Which launcher are you using?

00:19:05.000 They get really geeked out because with Android you can change everything.

00:19:08.000 I don't care.

00:19:09.000 I went back and forth.

00:19:10.000 I tried Android to see.

00:19:13.000 The Apple experience is smoother.

00:19:16.000 It's a smoother experience.

00:19:17.000 I have a friend who only uses an iPad and can only get messages when it's connected to Wi-Fi.

00:19:24.000 Whoa.

00:19:25.000 Yeah.

00:19:26.000 It's very frustrating when you're trying to get a hold of that person.

00:19:29.000 I have a friend who does that, too.

00:19:31.000 Is it your friend Ari Shafir?

00:19:34.000 Ari does it, too.

00:19:37.000 It's the same kind of thing.

00:19:38.000 I know another guy who does that, too.

00:19:39.000 I bet I know who you're talking about.

00:19:40.000 Maybe.

00:19:41.000 Yeah, he does that.

00:19:43.000 Ari!

00:19:45.000 I mean, he'll get...

00:19:46.000 Well, Ari is an addict.

00:19:47.000 And he knows it.

00:19:48.000 He understands it.

00:19:49.000 And I respect the fact that he made a proactive move.

00:19:53.000 Yeah.

00:19:53.000 To, like, say, look, this is fucking dumb.

00:19:56.000 I have to figure out a way to not stare at my phone all day.

00:19:59.000 I'll just get a flip phone.

00:20:00.000 Right.

00:20:01.000 But then he was, like, texting with the thumbs, doing that T9 thing.

00:20:05.000 Oof.

00:20:06.000 Atal has a flip phone.

00:20:07.000 Oh, yeah.

00:20:08.000 Well, he has an iPhone, too.

00:20:10.000 Like, literally, iPhone 2. Like, the number 2?

00:20:13.000 He does.

00:20:14.000 It is.

00:20:14.000 It's a second-generation iPhone.

00:20:16.000 It's hilarious.

00:20:17.000 He pulls it out of his pocket like, what?

00:20:19.000 It's like fucking receipts and diner matches and shit.

00:20:23.000 He pulls this old-ass iPhone.

00:20:25.000 It tells hilarious.

00:20:27.000 Not just hilarious as a comic, but hilarious as a human character.

00:20:30.000 He's one of my favorites.

00:20:31.000 Every once in a while, he'll do like a joke check, and you'll get this weird text from him that's like, hey, does anyone have anything about raccoons and cats?

00:20:40.000 Eating flags or something.

00:20:42.000 You know, it's like just a combination of like, it's like a Mad Lib.

00:20:44.000 You're like, no, I've not heard that one before.

00:20:47.000 Well, I guess when you're a guy like him, too, if you're writing joke jokes all the time, like everything's a joke joke.

00:20:53.000 Yeah.

00:20:53.000 Like, you never know if you heard that before.

00:20:56.000 Like, your memory only holds so much.

00:20:59.000 Of course.

00:21:00.000 And he's like, I mean...

00:21:03.000 He is all punchline.

00:21:05.000 Yes.

00:21:06.000 That's all it is.

00:21:07.000 And it's great.

00:21:09.000 It's fucking the best.

00:21:10.000 But it is one of those things where it's like, yeah, does anyone have jokes about s'mores and hot air balloons?

00:21:16.000 To me, he's the most underappreciated master of our age.

00:21:21.000 Yeah.

00:21:21.000 He's a legitimate master comedian.

00:21:24.000 And he doesn't get the kind of love that he should from the general public because he has zero marketing.

00:21:32.000 Right.

00:21:32.000 Zero anything other than people saying he's awesome and people seeing him be awesome.

00:21:37.000 Yeah.

00:21:38.000 You know?

00:21:38.000 And he's one of the rare guys that got sober and got better.

00:21:41.000 He really did.

00:21:42.000 And also he'll bring candy to the club every once in a while, which I love candy.

00:21:47.000 Really?

00:21:47.000 So I'm always happy.

00:21:48.000 But he gives it to people?

00:21:49.000 He'll just bring bags of candy to the cellar every once in a while.

00:21:52.000 And I'm like, I did want a little baby Ruth.

00:21:55.000 Just brings candy for people?

00:21:56.000 Yeah.

00:21:57.000 He's the best.

00:21:58.000 Everybody loves him.

00:21:59.000 Nobody will tell you they hate a tell.

00:22:01.000 I've never heard that once.

00:22:02.000 He had this one story of him doing crowd work.

00:22:07.000 There was a group of Latino women in the front and mean mugging the whole time, just arms crossed.

00:22:16.000 Enough that comics were talking about it.

00:22:18.000 After their set, they'd be like, yeah, but then there's these women in the front.

00:22:21.000 We couldn't break them at all.

00:22:23.000 Attell gets on stage, looks immediately at them, and he goes, Oh, why so sad?

00:22:29.000 Did Selena die again?

00:22:36.000 Oh my god, that's funny.

00:22:39.000 Everyone laughed.

00:22:40.000 They laughed.

00:22:41.000 It's just like...

00:22:43.000 But he has that laser vision where he sees it in the crowd.

00:22:47.000 He has the perfect reference for it.

00:22:50.000 Did Selena die again?

00:22:52.000 Holy shit, that's funny.

00:22:54.000 Oh my god, that's funny.

00:22:57.000 They'd have to laugh at that.

00:22:58.000 You have to, you can't not.

00:23:00.000 Oh my god, that's so funny.

00:23:02.000 Did Selena die again?

00:23:04.000 Holy fuck.

00:23:07.000 Oh my god.

00:23:09.000 He's one of the greatest.

00:23:10.000 For sure.

00:23:11.000 Like, legitimately one of the greatest ever.

00:23:13.000 Just doesn't get enough credit.

00:23:14.000 But there's a lot in that in comedy right now, too.

00:23:17.000 Like, I mean, he's been around for decades and should definitely be, like, widely loved.

00:23:21.000 Who else?

00:23:22.000 But, like, some of the younger guys, too.

00:23:25.000 It's like, you know, like this Mark Norman, Sam Morrell, Dan Soder.

00:23:28.000 Mark Norman's getting a lot of love.

00:23:30.000 Soder just had a special.

00:23:31.000 I'm not saying they're not getting some.

00:23:33.000 It's just, like, I feel like they're all underappreciated.

00:23:36.000 Mm-hmm.

00:23:36.000 You know, like, there are guys that are, like, great joke writers, you know, and it's, like, hard for them to sell specials now because it's, you know, people are like, you're a straight white guy.

00:23:46.000 Is that real?

00:23:47.000 I think it is, yeah.

00:23:49.000 But isn't, like, um, I mean, there are straight white guys.

00:23:53.000 What's that fuck?

00:23:54.000 John Mulaney.

00:23:55.000 He's a straight white guy, allegedly.

00:23:57.000 Yeah.

00:23:59.000 Pretty sure he is, yeah.

00:24:00.000 But he has characteristics.

00:24:02.000 I mean, he looks nice, he's presentable, he has a small dog, you know.

00:24:09.000 There's a lot going on there.

00:24:10.000 But I'm pretty confident.

00:24:12.000 Dresses well.

00:24:12.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:24:13.000 Stylish.

00:24:14.000 Stylish.

00:24:15.000 Very good comic, though.

00:24:16.000 I think he's just old-timey.

00:24:17.000 Yes, that's right it is.

00:24:19.000 They were gay in the old days.

00:24:21.000 That's why the Flintstones will have a gay old time.

00:24:26.000 Oh, now I just want to see a gay Flintstones remake.

00:24:30.000 They should do that.

00:24:31.000 Be inclusive.

00:24:32.000 Don't be bigots.

00:24:34.000 You're going to remake all these shows.

00:24:35.000 Let's do a gay Flintstones.

00:24:37.000 If you think back to Fred Astaire and things like that, if there was a guy like that today, you're like, that poor guy, come out of the closet.

00:24:44.000 Of course you would.

00:24:45.000 You're just like, no, he's just a straight tap dancer.

00:24:49.000 No chance.

00:24:50.000 Who the fuck is a straight tap dancer?

00:24:52.000 Sorry, straight tap dancers.

00:24:53.000 Sorry, Savion Glover.

00:24:56.000 There's gotta be straight tap dancers.

00:24:58.000 I mean, they must exist, but white ones?

00:25:02.000 White straight tap dancers?

00:25:04.000 I mean, I don't even know if white guys tap dance anymore.

00:25:08.000 There's a few.

00:25:08.000 There's like four.

00:25:09.000 Yeah?

00:25:10.000 Did you know them?

00:25:11.000 No, they all live in Pennsylvania.

00:25:13.000 Hey!

00:25:13.000 They're all thinking of getting out.

00:25:14.000 That's where I'm from!

00:25:18.000 My parents used to live outside of Wilkes-Barre.

00:25:20.000 Really?

00:25:21.000 I'm from Hershey.

00:25:21.000 Oh, shit.

00:25:22.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:25:23.000 Boy, it smells out there.

00:25:24.000 Yeah.

00:25:24.000 Cows, right?

00:25:26.000 So in town, it would either smell like chocolate, because of the factory, or poop.

00:25:30.000 Cows or chocolate.

00:25:32.000 Yeah.

00:25:32.000 Boy, that's a confusing way to grow up.

00:25:34.000 Yeah, it really is.

00:25:36.000 How many people live in Hershey?

00:25:38.000 I think it's like 30,000 maybe.

00:25:40.000 You get about 30,000 deer around there too.

00:25:42.000 Yeah, a lot of deer.

00:25:43.000 We have a day of school for deer hunting.

00:25:45.000 Oh, day off school?

00:25:46.000 Yeah.

00:25:46.000 Really?

00:25:47.000 It was always the Monday after Thanksgiving.

00:25:48.000 That's when deer season started.

00:25:50.000 I've eaten a lot of venison.

00:25:52.000 I bet you have.

00:25:52.000 Yeah.

00:25:53.000 You want some?

00:25:53.000 I got some.

00:25:54.000 I'm good right now.

00:25:55.000 Okay.

00:25:56.000 I used to eat venison bologna.

00:25:59.000 Venison bologna is delicious.

00:26:00.000 It's really good.

00:26:01.000 Yeah.

00:26:02.000 You get used to eating wild game and you start preferring it.

00:26:06.000 I prefer it.

00:26:07.000 I have a lot of people I know that hunt out there.

00:26:10.000 They're bow and arrow hunters.

00:26:11.000 Yeah.

00:26:11.000 Which I kind of appreciate that a lot.

00:26:13.000 That's what I do.

00:26:14.000 Yeah, really?

00:26:14.000 Yeah, that's all I do.

00:26:16.000 I haven't hunted with a rifle in years.

00:26:18.000 Do you have to wait for a long time for things?

00:26:21.000 It's harder.

00:26:22.000 It's more nerve wracking.

00:26:24.000 It's more difficult to make a good shot.

00:26:27.000 It requires way more practice.

00:26:30.000 If you know how to shoot a gun, if I had a good rest with a rifle, I haven't shot a rifle a couple months ago, but if I hadn't shot a rifle, I shot an elk once and I hadn't shot a rifle in a year.

00:26:43.000 Yeah.

00:26:44.000 And if you have a rest, and the rifle's on the rest, and the rest is steady, all it is is about trigger discipline.

00:26:51.000 It's just squeeze, squeeze, squeeze, squeeze, boom!

00:26:53.000 Let it go off on its own.

00:26:54.000 Just don't jerk the trigger.

00:26:55.000 Keep the crosshair on the animal, and it's not that hard.

00:26:58.000 Right.

00:26:59.000 But bowhunting is like a lifestyle.

00:27:01.000 It's a different thing.

00:27:02.000 For the guys who do it, it's like, when you eat something, like we ate elk last night at my house.

00:27:07.000 I shot that elk with a bow and arrow in Utah.

00:27:10.000 I was there.

00:27:12.000 I saw everything.

00:27:13.000 I cut it up.

00:27:14.000 Do you butcher it yourself?

00:27:16.000 I didn't butcher it myself, but we quartered it, which means you take the legs off and the back straps off and you take all the big parts of meat and then I send it to a butcher and they'll make sausages and cut it into roasts.

00:27:26.000 How do you get the elk back to California?

00:27:29.000 Cooler.

00:27:30.000 Just like on the plane?

00:27:32.000 Yep.

00:27:32.000 Yeah.

00:27:32.000 Yeti.

00:27:33.000 Yeti coolers.

00:27:34.000 They have these things called a Yeti hopper.

00:27:37.000 So it's like a bag, like a big bag, like about this big.

00:27:40.000 And you can get two back straps in there from an elk.

00:27:42.000 Elk back straps.

00:27:43.000 Like, you know, elk's a big animal.

00:27:44.000 It's an 800-pound animal.

00:27:45.000 I just love the idea that there's all these people on planes with like...

00:27:48.000 Yeah.

00:27:49.000 They're going to L.A. with their little dog.

00:27:51.000 Yeah.

00:27:52.000 And there's just like elk meat in storage?

00:27:55.000 Yeah, I put it in the overhead.

00:27:57.000 You put it in the overhead?

00:27:58.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:27:59.000 Wait, for real?

00:28:00.000 For real.

00:28:01.000 You have elk meat?

00:28:02.000 100%.

00:28:02.000 That's great.

00:28:04.000 That's how I carry it back.

00:28:05.000 I love this.

00:28:05.000 Yeah.

00:28:06.000 Well, you have to, look, if you, I could either send all of it to the, but the back straps are so easy.

00:28:12.000 What happens when you put it through security?

00:28:13.000 Are they like, what's going on here?

00:28:14.000 They go, oh, you got an elk.

00:28:15.000 Oh, really?

00:28:16.000 Yeah, I shot an elk.

00:28:17.000 Yeah.

00:28:18.000 I mean, they know in places like Utah, they're used to that.

00:28:21.000 I mean, this makes me so mad because I had an Alexander McQueen purse.

00:28:25.000 You know the ones, you guys know Alexander McQueen purses, right?

00:28:28.000 You're familiar with the line.

00:28:30.000 They have ones that have like rings that you like, you put your hand through and it's like a bunch of rings attached to the purse.

00:28:37.000 Well, I brought it through security and they were like, no, you have to check this because it looks like brass knuckles.

00:28:44.000 Oh, come on.

00:28:45.000 And so I had to check my McQueen purse, my little quilted patent leather McQueen purse.

00:28:51.000 That is so ridiculous.

00:28:52.000 And you can bring elk.

00:28:54.000 Well, Tony Hinchcliffe tried to bring a pool stick.

00:28:56.000 We went to...

00:28:57.000 This is what's...

00:28:58.000 Here's what's really crazy.

00:28:59.000 We went to Phoenix this past weekend.

00:29:01.000 We were working together and my friend Scott Frost has a...

00:29:05.000 Shout out to Scott Frost.

00:29:06.000 Has a place in Tempe, this big pool hall.

00:29:09.000 Scott's like a...

00:29:10.000 Big time gambler, pool player, professional pool player, very famous guy in the world of pool.

00:29:16.000 And so we were going to go and play at his place.

00:29:18.000 And so Tony brought his pool cue.

00:29:20.000 And in LA, he didn't even check it.

00:29:23.000 He just walked right through security with a pool cue.

00:29:25.000 Pool cue is totally illegal to bring on a plane.

00:29:27.000 So we're walking around LAX and I go, hey man...

00:29:30.000 You have a fucking pool cue with you?

00:29:31.000 He goes, yeah.

00:29:32.000 I go, how did you do that?

00:29:33.000 He goes, I just walked right through.

00:29:34.000 I go, what?

00:29:36.000 He goes, yeah, I just walked through.

00:29:37.000 I go, dude, that's illegal.

00:29:38.000 You can't have that.

00:29:39.000 He goes, I'm pretty sure it's legal now.

00:29:41.000 So on the way back from Phoenix, they were like, what the fuck are you doing?

00:29:45.000 He's like, oh, I'm just going to bring the pool cue on the plane.

00:29:47.000 I was like, no, you're not.

00:29:48.000 Go check that shit.

00:29:49.000 So he had to go back out.

00:29:50.000 We had to hold on to his bags.

00:29:51.000 He went back out and he had to go back to the counter and check it and come back.

00:29:54.000 Wait, why is it so illegal?

00:29:56.000 Because you could beat someone to death with it.

00:29:58.000 Oh, right.

00:29:58.000 I was thinking poke.

00:30:01.000 I guess you could do that, too.

00:30:06.000 You somehow get into the cockpit and you're just poking the back of their heads.

00:30:11.000 They annoyed me so much!

00:30:14.000 He made us fly to Miami.

00:30:16.000 No, it's a hardwood club, basically.

00:30:19.000 Yeah, I'm dumb.

00:30:20.000 That would be a better way to use a weapon.

00:30:22.000 Haven't you ever watched a Steven Seagal movie?

00:30:25.000 Oh, right, yeah.

00:30:26.000 It beats people up with pool cues.

00:30:29.000 But there's so much stuff like that.

00:30:32.000 Well, they sell glass bottles inside the terminal.

00:30:36.000 Which you could break.

00:30:37.000 Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:30:38.000 And then have a glass weapon.

00:30:39.000 Right, but don't they hold those?

00:30:41.000 Like, when you have duty-free, don't they hold on to that stuff and then you get it later or something?

00:30:44.000 I think you can buy glass bottles of, like, sparkling water in, like, throughout the thing.

00:30:52.000 I think you can.

00:30:53.000 Yeah, you definitely can buy a bottle of water.

00:30:56.000 Like a water bottle?

00:30:57.000 Can you buy like a Voss bottle?

00:30:59.000 I think so.

00:31:00.000 I've never seen one.

00:31:00.000 I think they have the little glass sparkling ones.

00:31:04.000 I might be wrong.

00:31:04.000 We might both be full of shit here.

00:31:05.000 Yeah.

00:31:06.000 Let's fight it out.

00:31:07.000 I brought a big fucking knife once on a plane.

00:31:10.000 Really?

00:31:11.000 Went right through security at LAX. On purpose?

00:31:13.000 No!

00:31:14.000 My friend Jocko gave me this knife.

00:31:16.000 Shout out to Jocko.

00:31:17.000 He gave me this knife and I had it in my fanny pack and it just went right through security.

00:31:21.000 I mean, it's a fucking click, a big hefty knife.

00:31:24.000 Yeah.

00:31:25.000 And I was like, whoa!

00:31:27.000 I got back to my place and, you know, it's like I was in my hotel room and I noticed I had it.

00:31:33.000 I was like, holy shit.

00:31:35.000 Well, look, I get excited when I can get hair product through.

00:31:39.000 What's the rule on hair products?

00:31:41.000 Well, it's supposed to be under whatever, three ounces, but every once in a while I'll forget, or I'll be running late, and I'll throw in the full-size bottle.

00:31:48.000 Crazy.

00:31:49.000 And luckily, a lot of times, it'll be black women.

00:31:53.000 They'll see it, and they'll be like, no, if it's fine, go ahead.

00:31:55.000 I'll be like, thank you so much, oh my god.

00:31:57.000 Well, they know you're not a fucking terrorist.

00:31:59.000 It's so ridiculous.

00:32:00.000 And also, it's hard to find the right hair product.

00:32:05.000 In some of the places we go.

00:32:06.000 They were going to let people bring knives again.

00:32:08.000 They were going to let people bring four-inch knives, and they were going to let people bring pool cues.

00:32:12.000 But then I think something happened, and there was another event.

00:32:16.000 Oh, you know what it was?

00:32:18.000 You remember at LAX where that guy shot one of the TSA agents who came to LAX with a rifle?

00:32:25.000 And shot a TSA agent, that's right when that was going down, then they locked it down.

00:32:30.000 So if I was a conspiracy theorist, I'd say, they don't want us bringing little knives and pool cues, so they shot that guy.

00:32:36.000 It's a false flag.

00:32:38.000 I mean, it's logical, though.

00:32:41.000 I can follow the logic.

00:32:44.000 It's just, what you can and can't bring is crazy.

00:32:47.000 How come you can bring a skateboard?

00:32:48.000 I could beat someone to death with a skateboard.

00:32:51.000 Oh, yeah.

00:32:51.000 Way better than a pool cue.

00:32:53.000 Yeah, also it's like you couldn't just have a bunch of three-ounce things that you combine together.

00:32:58.000 Yeah, make a big bomb.

00:32:59.000 Yeah.

00:32:59.000 Yeah, you have a bunch of three-ounce things in an empty tub.

00:33:02.000 What's the empty tub for?

00:33:03.000 Nothing.

00:33:03.000 Why does it have a fuse?

00:33:04.000 You don't know if this is poison?

00:33:06.000 Yeah.

00:33:06.000 Right, it could be anything.

00:33:07.000 Yeah.

00:33:08.000 Right, like those little...

00:33:09.000 You could definitely take something and...

00:33:12.000 I probably shouldn't even say this.

00:33:16.000 Yeah, I don't want to give anybody any ideas.

00:33:19.000 Because what if I did say that and then someone did do that?

00:33:22.000 See, there's a lot of people that are really crazy and not that creative.

00:33:26.000 Right.

00:33:27.000 You know?

00:33:27.000 Yeah, they're just like, ah, if only I knew a way to do this.

00:33:31.000 It's like, use your brain, buddy.

00:33:33.000 Like the shoe bomber?

00:33:34.000 That fucking asshole.

00:33:35.000 Now everybody has to take their shoes off.

00:33:37.000 Yeah.

00:33:37.000 Nobody took their shoes off before that.

00:33:38.000 Because he had a bad shoe bomb.

00:33:40.000 It was terrible.

00:33:41.000 Yeah.

00:33:41.000 But he was trying to light it in front of everybody.

00:33:43.000 He didn't even do it in the bathroom, the fucking idiot.

00:33:45.000 Yeah.

00:33:47.000 Is that what you do?

00:33:48.000 You light bombs?

00:33:49.000 If I was going to light a bomb, I'd light it in the bathroom.

00:33:51.000 Yeah.

00:33:54.000 Just light it.

00:33:55.000 Flush it.

00:33:57.000 And then, oh, of the plane.

00:33:58.000 And then start walking, like you don't even know what's happening.

00:34:00.000 Right.

00:34:01.000 Like one of the action movies where the bomb goes off behind you.

00:34:03.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:34:03.000 That's what you do, just walk.

00:34:05.000 Just walk down the aisle.

00:34:06.000 You're just hoping someone Instagrams it at the right time, too.

00:34:09.000 You're like, oh, we're all going to die, but also, what a good post.

00:34:12.000 But also, hopefully your phone is really durable.

00:34:16.000 Yeah.

00:34:16.000 And it makes the trip.

00:34:18.000 They can extract this video.

00:34:19.000 It fell from this guy, and we did get this amazing action photo.

00:34:24.000 Yeah, it's a weird thing that everybody gets super, super checked flying.

00:34:30.000 But you don't get super, super checked when you go to the mall.

00:34:32.000 You don't get super, super checked.

00:34:34.000 There's all these other places where you don't get super, super checked.

00:34:37.000 Yeah, I mean, I feel like there should just be metal detectors everywhere.

00:34:41.000 How hard is it to get on a train?

00:34:43.000 Very easy.

00:34:44.000 Yeah, right?

00:34:45.000 I love an Amtrak.

00:34:47.000 Do you take guns?

00:34:48.000 Well, I don't have any, but you could.

00:34:49.000 But if you had, you would?

00:34:50.000 Yeah, you could.

00:34:51.000 Poison?

00:34:52.000 You know, only if I'm trying to kill somebody.

00:34:56.000 But yeah, you can just get on.

00:34:58.000 You get to the train station.

00:35:00.000 If you're there like a minute before the train leaves, you can get on the train.

00:35:04.000 There's nothing.

00:35:05.000 They don't look for anything.

00:35:07.000 Yeah, you just hop on.

00:35:08.000 You hop right on.

00:35:09.000 You ride the rails.

00:35:10.000 You get to look at the beautiful scenery.

00:35:12.000 I love a train.

00:35:12.000 I do love a train.

00:35:13.000 We took a train in Europe.

00:35:15.000 I was with my family in Italy, and we took a train ride.

00:35:18.000 They do trains really well out there.

00:35:19.000 It was great.

00:35:20.000 It was beautiful.

00:35:20.000 Sit back, watch the countryside, drink a Diet Coke.

00:35:25.000 It was wonderful.

00:35:27.000 In the UK, they have really good service on trains, too.

00:35:31.000 If you take one of the Virgin trains or whatever, they come through and they have snacks, they have Imagine being like in the old west times when they had those really nice first class trains that were going across the country.

00:35:42.000 And like everyone's dressed like a gentleman and a lady.

00:35:46.000 Yeah.

00:35:46.000 And you're just like, everyone looks beautiful.

00:35:49.000 Everything's velvet.

00:35:50.000 Yeah.

00:35:51.000 Velvet.

00:35:52.000 Yeah.

00:35:52.000 Velvet was classy.

00:35:53.000 They really liked velvet.

00:35:55.000 Why was that, you think?

00:35:57.000 I think it probably just felt soft and maybe it was expensive.

00:36:00.000 And it just showed that you were wealthy.

00:36:02.000 And then all the stains, too.

00:36:04.000 Do you know that they used to use beaver pelts to line the inside of their hats?

00:36:10.000 Really?

00:36:10.000 Yeah, that was a big thing.

00:36:12.000 Beavers would line the inside of their hats.

00:36:14.000 And there was something about the inside of hats that they used mercury.

00:36:19.000 And the mercury made people go crazy.

00:36:22.000 Yeah, I was going to say, that sounds like a bad idea.

00:36:25.000 So that's where the expression mad hatter came from.

00:36:27.000 Really?

00:36:27.000 Mad as a hatter.

00:36:28.000 Yeah.

00:36:28.000 It came from people not knowing that mercury was poison, so they're putting mercury in their fucking hats.

00:36:34.000 This is how I'm just like, yeah, 100%.

00:36:37.000 I'm pretty sure that's true.

00:36:38.000 I 100% believe you.

00:36:41.000 It sounds ridiculous.

00:36:42.000 Is that true?

00:36:42.000 I think it's totally true, right?

00:36:44.000 I definitely think someone told me that on this podcast.

00:36:47.000 My hard drive is so overfull.

00:36:50.000 So overfull.

00:36:52.000 I run into people and I go, oh, I know that guy.

00:36:56.000 I'm like, fuck, he was on my podcast a month ago.

00:36:57.000 Of course I know him.

00:36:59.000 Literally, it's like I'm forgetting everything.

00:37:02.000 I wonder if it's just getting old.

00:37:03.000 This is...

00:37:04.000 What?

00:37:05.000 Something crazy?

00:37:06.000 Yeah, alright.

00:37:06.000 So, this is the explanation I just read on this, corrosiondoctors.org, which, I don't know the validity of it, but...

00:37:13.000 So, it was camel hair that was used as the felt material.

00:37:16.000 In order to soften that up and speed up the softening process, they would use camel urine to process that.

00:37:22.000 So, as that became more popular, the French...

00:37:26.000 Workmen that were doing that would use their own urine to soften it.

00:37:31.000 Some of them were being treated for syphilis with mercury.

00:37:36.000 Whoa.

00:37:36.000 That would then bleed into and lead to some problems.

00:37:40.000 Imagine you get some syphilis piss on the inside of your fancy hat.

00:37:42.000 Sounds like a lot to get to there.

00:37:44.000 I mean, this is what you get for having sex outside of marriage.

00:37:46.000 That's what I'm saying.

00:37:48.000 Or even inside of marriage.

00:37:49.000 Imagine if you wait all those days and she still gives you the clap.

00:37:52.000 Like, fuck!

00:37:53.000 Fuck!

00:37:54.000 God damn it.

00:37:55.000 They might have even used the mercury to process it and skipped all the pee process, but the first paragraph says it was urine that did it, and then...

00:38:02.000 That's crazy.

00:38:04.000 Yeah, I mean, I think I'd rather wear my own pee than a camel's pee.

00:38:08.000 Yeah, or a dude with syphilis.

00:38:10.000 Yeah.

00:38:11.000 You ever see the pictures of people when they used to die from syphilis?

00:38:14.000 No.

00:38:15.000 It's a rough way to go.

00:38:16.000 You get holes in your head.

00:38:18.000 Oh, Jesus.

00:38:18.000 Yeah, your nose falls off.

00:38:20.000 It's fucking horrific.

00:38:21.000 Maybe that's what Michael Jackson had.

00:38:22.000 Yeah.

00:38:24.000 People develop big holes in their skin.

00:38:27.000 There's this one guy, Lindsey Fitzharris.

00:38:30.000 That's her name, right?

00:38:31.000 She's a woman who's got this amazing Instagram page.

00:38:35.000 And she specializes in ancient medical procedures.

00:38:39.000 She shows you the horrors of ancient surgery.

00:38:43.000 And one of the things she was showing us was photos of people who died from syphilis.

00:38:49.000 Yeah.

00:38:50.000 Oh, here's another one.

00:38:51.000 Old medicine is terrifying.

00:38:53.000 Oh, terrifying.

00:38:54.000 Terrifying.

00:38:55.000 Like, I just don't even know who became doctors back then.

00:38:57.000 They were like, I got this crazy idea that'll get rid of your blood and it's just more like...

00:39:02.000 They just practice on people.

00:39:04.000 Well, that's where wigs came from.

00:39:05.000 You know, like when you used to see old, like rich dudes wearing wigs?

00:39:09.000 That was from syphilis.

00:39:10.000 People had syphilis.

00:39:11.000 Oh, you mean our founding fathers?

00:39:13.000 This lady's face is falling off from syphilis.

00:39:15.000 Oh, jeez.

00:39:16.000 Shouldn't be a whore.

00:39:18.000 Yeah, well, you know what?

00:39:19.000 Look at that one down the middle.

00:39:20.000 Look at that guy in the middle with his nose.

00:39:22.000 That's from syphilis.

00:39:23.000 And he's still alive?

00:39:24.000 Yeah.

00:39:24.000 Or is he dead there?

00:39:25.000 No, he's dying.

00:39:26.000 I mean, he's not still alive today.

00:39:30.000 But look at him.

00:39:30.000 He looks like, look at his right eye.

00:39:32.000 His left eye is still normal.

00:39:34.000 He's probably like, I shouldn't have fucked that whore.

00:39:35.000 That's one of those things.

00:39:37.000 Look at him.

00:39:38.000 He's like, God damn it.

00:39:39.000 I can't believe I've got a fucking hole in my head.

00:39:42.000 He's just like, he just keeps walking around being like, it was worth it.

00:39:45.000 Yes.

00:39:46.000 Oh yeah, I came so hard.

00:39:48.000 Fuck this face.

00:39:52.000 But the wig thing came from France.

00:39:54.000 It came from...

00:39:56.000 That's why, like, the expression big wig, the more money you had, the bigger the wig you got.

00:40:01.000 And it all came from these royal guys.

00:40:04.000 I think they were cousins.

00:40:06.000 Royalty, but they had syphilis.

00:40:07.000 Their fucking hair was falling out, so they had wigs made.

00:40:09.000 And so because these guys were the shit, they're, like, basically the male Kardashians of the day.

00:40:13.000 Right.

00:40:14.000 Everybody started copying them, and probably a bunch of other people had syphilis as well.

00:40:18.000 Their hair was falling out, so they all got wigs.

00:40:19.000 So when you see a bunch of people in the old days that were in court, and how the judge and everyone would wear powdered wigs, all that started because of syphilis.

00:40:31.000 You know, that's first of all, hilarious to think that everyone was like in court and they're like, so how's your syphilis?

00:40:37.000 They didn't even know what it was.

00:40:39.000 They barely knew what syphilis was.

00:40:40.000 I got a hole in the head disease.

00:40:41.000 Yeah, I got a nose gone disease.

00:40:44.000 I just lost all my hair, but look at this wig.

00:40:46.000 I'm pimping.

00:40:47.000 There's also, do you know, you ever watch like British crime dramas?

00:40:50.000 Yes, I have.

00:40:51.000 They still wear those wigs.

00:40:53.000 For court.

00:40:54.000 Yeah.

00:40:54.000 I'm basing British crime dramas on what I think they actually still do in Britain.

00:41:00.000 I wonder if they do.

00:41:00.000 I feel like they do it on TV. They must still do it.

00:41:02.000 They must.

00:41:04.000 In court.

00:41:04.000 I wonder when they stopped doing it over here.

00:41:06.000 When they were like, enough.

00:41:07.000 Who's the last guy who wore a wig?

00:41:09.000 Fuck you, I'm keeping it.

00:41:10.000 Who was the last guy who kept the powdered wig over here?

00:41:13.000 Yeah, he was definitely a bald guy.

00:41:16.000 Look, look, look.

00:41:17.000 Look at these assholes.

00:41:18.000 Oh my god, that is crazy.

00:41:20.000 Those are terrible wigs, too.

00:41:23.000 Those are not even kind of wigs.

00:41:25.000 It's like a hat.

00:41:26.000 It looks like a little carpet.

00:41:27.000 Yeah, it doesn't look like anybody's head.

00:41:29.000 It looks like a little floor mat.

00:41:30.000 Like a sheep.

00:41:32.000 That's like a really well cared for and groomed sheep.

00:41:35.000 Yeah.

00:41:36.000 Like when someone loves their sheep and they brush it.

00:41:38.000 My uncle's a sheep farmer.

00:41:40.000 For real?

00:41:40.000 For real.

00:41:41.000 In Pennsylvania?

00:41:42.000 In Ohio.

00:41:42.000 Really?

00:41:43.000 Yeah.

00:41:43.000 Wow.

00:41:44.000 Look at these guys.

00:41:45.000 This is today.

00:41:47.000 They're Tories.

00:41:48.000 Yeah.

00:41:49.000 What's a Tory?

00:41:50.000 Is that a lawyer?

00:41:50.000 It's one of their parties.

00:41:52.000 Look at the fucking...

00:41:54.000 Look at those guys wearing those stupid wigs and everybody else is modern behind them and around them.

00:42:00.000 They're just wearing a wig, but they also pull out their phone.

00:42:03.000 They got that stupid old wig on.

00:42:06.000 What's that?

00:42:06.000 A little white bow tie they have to wear, too.

00:42:08.000 Oh, a little white bow tie.

00:42:09.000 What's going on in the back of his head?

00:42:10.000 The guy on the far right?

00:42:11.000 What is that?

00:42:12.000 It looks like a tail.

00:42:12.000 Like he's got a rat tail.

00:42:13.000 Is that other guy?

00:42:15.000 Is the guy behind him picking his nose?

00:42:18.000 I hope so.

00:42:19.000 Yes, he is.

00:42:20.000 Yes, he is.

00:42:21.000 You are correct.

00:42:22.000 That's why you don't get a wig, sir.

00:42:25.000 You dirty fuck.

00:42:26.000 Picking your nose.

00:42:27.000 What happened to the picture?

00:42:28.000 I accidentally dragged it and it disappeared.

00:42:30.000 Yeah, so this is fairly recent.

00:42:33.000 I mean, it's modern color photography.

00:42:34.000 Yeah.

00:42:35.000 I'm pretty sure they still do it.

00:42:37.000 This is 2019, so...

00:42:38.000 So look at the old picture down there, the painting, the bottom of the screen, right there.

00:42:43.000 Yeah.

00:42:43.000 Look at that.

00:42:44.000 That's what they used to do.

00:42:45.000 Look at these weirdos.

00:42:47.000 Kind of looks like my hair.

00:42:48.000 Ho, ho.

00:42:49.000 He's got a syphilis scar on his face.

00:42:51.000 He's got a hole.

00:42:51.000 Yeah, great.

00:42:52.000 You look into his cheek.

00:42:53.000 Oh, God.

00:42:54.000 But he's still probably nutting people.

00:42:55.000 Everything sexual back then had to be terrible.

00:42:58.000 Ugh, disgusting.

00:42:59.000 The smells.

00:43:00.000 Ugh, so many smells.

00:43:02.000 Ugh.

00:43:03.000 But people get horny enough, they don't care about smells.

00:43:06.000 That's why dudes in prison fuck dudes.

00:43:08.000 They get to a point, they're like, who cares?

00:43:10.000 God, I can't imagine.

00:43:12.000 Well, it's like, you only...

00:43:14.000 We have standards until, like, you get desperate.

00:43:19.000 You have standards until you don't have options.

00:43:21.000 Yes.

00:43:21.000 Ooh, that's a perfect way to phrase it.

00:43:23.000 You nailed it.

00:43:24.000 Quotes.

00:43:25.000 You have standards until you don't have options.

00:43:27.000 Yeah, that's true.

00:43:28.000 It's like, people get...

00:43:30.000 Look at these guys.

00:43:31.000 What the hell?

00:43:32.000 African judges still wear wigs.

00:43:34.000 I just kept scrolling and they started getting weirder.

00:43:36.000 What is this?

00:43:36.000 Well, hold on.

00:43:37.000 This might be some social justice warrior stuff.

00:43:39.000 Click on that.

00:43:40.000 Why African judges still wearing wigs is a glaring symbol of British colonialism.

00:43:46.000 Well, of course it is, right?

00:43:47.000 Yeah!

00:43:47.000 But also, if they still want to wear them, let them wear them.

00:43:50.000 They want to look cool.

00:43:51.000 Stop it, Opinion Brittany, or whoever this is.

00:43:56.000 Look how they did the top, though.

00:43:57.000 They kind of, like, fluffed out the top.

00:43:59.000 They made it a little different.

00:44:01.000 Yeah.

00:44:01.000 Had their own twist to it.

00:44:02.000 Yeah, I mean, you know, you gotta put your own style.

00:44:04.000 Yeah.

00:44:04.000 But I guess, like, having a judge wear...

00:44:08.000 Like, today, why do they wear those stupid fucking robes?

00:44:10.000 Those are outdated.

00:44:11.000 We're making fun of wigs, but we're not making fun of these goddamn wizard robes they wear.

00:44:15.000 Yeah, the robes are weird, too.

00:44:16.000 Like, the Supreme Court, they still wear the robes.

00:44:19.000 What do the women wear?

00:44:20.000 Do they wear that?

00:44:21.000 Look at this guy.

00:44:21.000 Hey, what's up?

00:44:22.000 That guy looks like...

00:44:24.000 I don't want it that long.

00:44:25.000 A little tight.

00:44:26.000 A little perm.

00:44:27.000 I'm pretty sure that's a character from an Eddie Murphy movie.

00:44:29.000 He's got a nice watch, though.

00:44:31.000 Look, he's got a nice watch, fat ring.

00:44:37.000 Do they wear the robes so that you can't tell?

00:44:40.000 If they're beaten off?

00:44:41.000 Yeah.

00:44:43.000 You can't tell if they have a boner?

00:44:45.000 I think they wear the robes to symbolize that there's something special.

00:44:49.000 That they're much more important than you.

00:44:52.000 I was thinking it was like to hide any sort of affiliation to anything.

00:44:57.000 That would be the charitable way of looking at it.

00:44:59.000 Yeah.

00:45:00.000 I think they wear the robes because they're mystical.

00:45:02.000 They're the ones who have control of the law.

00:45:04.000 Right.

00:45:05.000 We understand.

00:45:06.000 We rule.

00:45:07.000 Bang, bang, bang.

00:45:08.000 They have a hammer.

00:45:08.000 I would be a terrible judge because I wouldn't be able to just...

00:45:12.000 I'd be like, no, I just don't like this guy.

00:45:15.000 You'd be a comedy judge.

00:45:16.000 There was a bunch of those shows where they were trying to do them with comedians.

00:45:20.000 I actually did a pilot once way back in the day where it was like a comedy court...

00:45:27.000 I would love if we had comedy court.

00:45:30.000 The idea was that you're going to bring people in with disputes like, you stole his records, that kind of shit.

00:45:35.000 And then I would have to make a judgment.

00:45:38.000 And the judgment actually would stick.

00:45:40.000 So people that had small claims, they would go there.

00:45:43.000 And I think Dom Herrera did one too.

00:45:46.000 I think Dom Herrera did a pilot for one of those.

00:45:48.000 There was a few of those floating around for a while.

00:45:50.000 I think it'd be fun if we had comedy court now, but in the way where a lot of us comedians got to decide if you get to stay in comedy or not.

00:46:00.000 It's like, no, no, you've been doing too much social justice stuff.

00:46:04.000 You're barred for the next six months.

00:46:07.000 Get back to writing jokes.

00:46:09.000 If you criticize someone for something, and then we can pull up you doing that exact same kind of joke.

00:46:15.000 Like, if you get real social justice-y about a bit, and then we go, oh, look at this dick.

00:46:20.000 Ten years ago, you fuck.

00:46:22.000 Yeah.

00:46:22.000 You did the exact same jokes.

00:46:24.000 I mean, that's what people do on Twitter all the time.

00:46:26.000 Oh, yeah.

00:46:26.000 It's my favorite.

00:46:27.000 It's so great because people are like, yeah, I can't believe you do this.

00:46:31.000 It's so racist.

00:46:32.000 And then, of course, minutes later, it's like, again, so are these times you use the N-word back in 2012. Well, back in the early days of Twitter, no one totally understood what it was.

00:46:44.000 Well, for me, I still had a day job, and I used it every day.

00:46:49.000 I just wrote jokes all of the time.

00:46:52.000 Just constantly, I'd read news stories, and I'd practice joke writing.

00:46:56.000 I had five followers, and I was brand new to stand-up.

00:47:00.000 It was nothing.

00:47:02.000 And then it became a place of importance, and I was like, I've got to delete everything.

00:47:07.000 Everything.

00:47:07.000 Once you start getting actual gigs, you're like, oh no, this could fuck me.

00:47:11.000 And then you've got to wonder, today people just store and wait.

00:47:16.000 They'll store and wait for you to get something.

00:47:19.000 Oh, Comedy Central wants to give you a show?

00:47:20.000 I wonder if they know about this.

00:47:22.000 Michelle, you fucking piece of shit.

00:47:25.000 Look what you said.

00:47:26.000 It's like, come on.

00:47:28.000 Yeah, well, it's also, back then, no one understood what it was.

00:47:34.000 Right.

00:47:35.000 Like, they didn't understand what they were doing.

00:47:36.000 So, it's like you thought you were talking shit to friends.

00:47:38.000 Right.

00:47:39.000 It's like, Ashton Kutcher was, like, the first guy with Twitter.

00:47:44.000 Yeah.

00:47:44.000 Like, we didn't think, no one knew.

00:47:47.000 And that was during, like, the heyday of Punk'd.

00:47:51.000 We didn't know this was going to turn into a thing where it would cause the spring rebellion in Egypt or whatever.

00:48:00.000 You remember when it would be your at Michelle Wolf is eating pizza?

00:48:06.000 It was a weird way of communicating.

00:48:08.000 You wouldn't say just stuff.

00:48:10.000 You would always say the at thing is doing something.

00:48:14.000 Right.

00:48:14.000 It was real weird.

00:48:16.000 Like, Jamie Vernon is working right now.

00:48:18.000 Right.

00:48:19.000 Like, that would be a real tweet.

00:48:20.000 It was like a status update.

00:48:21.000 Yes.

00:48:22.000 Almost.

00:48:22.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:48:23.000 It was weird.

00:48:24.000 And then, you know, somewhere along the line, it was like, this guy touched my tit.

00:48:27.000 What?

00:48:28.000 What happened?

00:48:28.000 Yeah.

00:48:29.000 And then it became like a reporting.

00:48:31.000 And then it was like news.

00:48:32.000 There was some breaking, some rebellion in some foreign country.

00:48:39.000 People would be tweeting updates.

00:48:41.000 You've been paying attention to Hong Kong?

00:48:42.000 Yes.

00:48:43.000 Holy shit.

00:48:44.000 The videos from Hong Kong, they have not stopped.

00:48:47.000 Yeah.

00:48:47.000 They're still going strong.

00:48:49.000 The crazy thing is you heard a little bit about it in America.

00:48:53.000 And then when the NBA stuff happened, they were finally like...

00:48:57.000 Then everyone heard about Hong Kong and you were like, wait, it took basketball to get this to make the news?

00:49:04.000 And even then it was still SportsCenter?

00:49:06.000 Well, it was people who didn't want to criticize China.

00:49:08.000 Look at that.

00:49:09.000 Look at that fucking photo.

00:49:10.000 But also, I gotta say, again, shout out to China is...

00:49:13.000 As soon as the basketball stuff started happening, the next morning they were painting over murals and taking things down.

00:49:20.000 I was like, these guys do not fuck around.

00:49:22.000 What was the controversy?

00:49:24.000 It was like a GM or something from the Houston Rockets.

00:49:27.000 He tweeted something in support of the Hong Kong protests.

00:49:31.000 And China immediately was like...

00:49:35.000 Nope.

00:49:36.000 No more NBA. We're not putting it on the TV. And the thing is, a lot of NBA players have huge shoe deals and other endorsement deals in China.

00:49:45.000 And they might have an entirely separate shoe deal in China that's making them millions of dollars.

00:49:52.000 And so the players were sort of like, hey, let's backtrack on this a little bit.

00:49:59.000 They did backtrack, right?

00:50:00.000 Human rights are not that important.

00:50:02.000 What's really important is Nike.

00:50:04.000 Listen, I got it.

00:50:06.000 China is at least a little bit upfront that they don't care about human rights.

00:50:10.000 Sort of, right?

00:50:12.000 Here we kind of gloss over it.

00:50:15.000 It's like we go an extra step to pretend that we care about human rights, but we're not the best at it either.

00:50:22.000 We're not the best.

00:50:23.000 We might be the best.

00:50:25.000 Of the big countries?

00:50:27.000 I don't know.

00:50:28.000 Who's better?

00:50:29.000 Canada?

00:50:30.000 Canada.

00:50:30.000 Maybe, but they're weird.

00:50:31.000 They have human rights councils.

00:50:34.000 They don't have First Amendment laws.

00:50:36.000 Yeah, you can get in trouble if you're saying stuff.

00:50:38.000 Yes.

00:50:39.000 Well, you know that kid Mike Ward?

00:50:40.000 That comic?

00:50:41.000 Yeah.

00:50:42.000 He just lost his case where he's supposed to pay $35,000 because he made a joke about...

00:50:49.000 There was a kid who was sick...

00:50:52.000 And everybody donated money and then like a bunch of years later the kid was still alive and he made a joke like, can I get my fucking money back?

00:51:00.000 How's that kid still alive?

00:51:02.000 See?

00:51:04.000 It was a pretty good joke.

00:51:05.000 I mean obviously he didn't really mean it.

00:51:08.000 It's not a statement.

00:51:09.000 He's not saying this like...

00:51:11.000 Right.

00:51:11.000 He's being funny.

00:51:12.000 He's being a stand-up comedian.

00:51:13.000 That's what he does.

00:51:14.000 And they fucking sued him and they won.

00:51:17.000 And so this has been going on forever.

00:51:18.000 Mike was on my podcast Two years ago?

00:51:22.000 Three years?

00:51:22.000 How many years ago, Jamie?

00:51:23.000 I don't think it was at this spot, was it?

00:51:25.000 I think it was the old spot.

00:51:27.000 It was a year ago?

00:51:29.000 Okay, so it was at this spot.

00:51:30.000 And it was still going on.

00:51:32.000 And he just recently lost.

00:51:34.000 So it started, I believe, two years before that.

00:51:38.000 So it's been going on for several years.

00:51:40.000 You and Ari actually talked about it in 2016 or something like that.

00:51:44.000 Yeah, I remember there was one year in Montreal that people were talking about it.

00:51:48.000 Yes, it was a big deal.

00:51:49.000 I mean, Canada's weird.

00:51:50.000 There was another comic who got heckled by this...

00:51:53.000 They were in...

00:51:54.000 I think this was in Vancouver in...

00:51:57.000 They were at a Yuck Yucks, I think.

00:51:59.000 Maybe I'm making this up.

00:52:00.000 I don't remember where it was.

00:52:01.000 But someone was on stage, and this lesbian couple was heckling.

00:52:07.000 And they were heckling a bunch of comedians.

00:52:08.000 He got up and called them a bunch of dykes and said some crazy shit to them.

00:52:12.000 And they fucking...

00:52:14.000 I was like, heckles out of context are so funny.

00:52:17.000 It was a lesbian, called them a bunch of dykes.

00:52:19.000 You're like...

00:52:22.000 Well, you know, people get drunk and they yell stuff out at comedy clubs and it was disruptive.

00:52:28.000 So that comic wound up having to pay money too.

00:52:31.000 That comic got sued.

00:52:33.000 I think he lost, I want to say it was a lot of money.

00:52:36.000 I want to say it was like $100,000 or something crazy.

00:52:39.000 That's crazy.

00:52:40.000 Yeah.

00:52:40.000 It's also, like, I don't know.

00:52:42.000 I don't like any time a comic is taken seriously.

00:52:45.000 Yeah.

00:52:46.000 Well, in that time...

00:52:46.000 See, the thing is, heckles...

00:52:48.000 It's like, is this comedy anymore?

00:52:50.000 Like, what's going on here?

00:52:51.000 Is there someone just...

00:52:52.000 If someone's yelling at you while you're on stage, they're disrupting your work.

00:52:57.000 Right.

00:52:57.000 And then your job is to make fun of them.

00:52:59.000 But if you just decide, listen, you fucking fat slob.

00:53:02.000 Yeah.

00:53:02.000 Like, oh my god, he called me fat!

00:53:04.000 Like, is that funny?

00:53:07.000 Also, are you fat?

00:53:08.000 Are you fat?

00:53:08.000 Yeah.

00:53:09.000 Are you a big old bulldog?

00:53:11.000 Did you hear about Elon's case that he won?

00:53:13.000 This is kind of on the same topic.

00:53:15.000 The pedo guy case.

00:53:16.000 We're arguing that was a joke.

00:53:17.000 Oh, right.

00:53:18.000 Not serious.

00:53:19.000 You know why Elon won?

00:53:21.000 Because he's got 28 billion dollars.

00:53:23.000 That's why he won.

00:53:24.000 And because wherever that dude was in Thailand, they want some dope cars.

00:53:29.000 He's like, oh, I'll make you a deal.

00:53:30.000 He's like, I'll give you those trucks.

00:53:31.000 Totally cool.

00:53:32.000 I promise their windows don't break.

00:53:34.000 Have you ever seen Kyle Dunnigan's face...

00:53:37.000 Do you know Kyle Dunnigan's face swap videos with Elon?

00:53:40.000 Yeah.

00:53:41.000 Holy shit, they're good.

00:53:42.000 I love everything Kyle does.

00:53:43.000 He's the best.

00:53:43.000 He's so funny.

00:53:45.000 The best Instagram page by far.

00:53:46.000 One of my favorites is when he does the what's up chicken butt to his mom.

00:53:52.000 How about Catty Daddy?

00:53:53.000 Catty Daddy.

00:53:54.000 With Annie?

00:53:55.000 With Annie Letterman?

00:53:56.000 It's so funny.

00:53:57.000 Holy shit, is it funny?

00:53:57.000 Annie plays his daughter, and he plays this, like, weirdly effeminate, probably gay dad who's just, like, really gossipy.

00:54:04.000 But he, like, talks about having sex with women.

00:54:06.000 You know, like, it's just, like...

00:54:08.000 But he's, like, always gossipy about, like, celebrities and stuff.

00:54:12.000 Like, oh my god, it's so funny.

00:54:14.000 It's so perfect.

00:54:15.000 But it's Caitlyn Jenner's, the best.

00:54:16.000 Yeah.

00:54:17.000 It's Caitlyn Jenner's, that's the coupe de gras.

00:54:19.000 Yeah, I love it.

00:54:20.000 You know, Comedy Central, this is how...

00:54:23.000 Fucking goofy they are over there.

00:54:24.000 They were gonna give him a show, you know, like a face swap show.

00:54:29.000 He's gonna do a face swap show.

00:54:30.000 It would've been the best fucking show on their network.

00:54:32.000 But they were so bad in terms of like cutting controversial stuff out.

00:54:37.000 He had Caitlyn Jenner fucking Donald Trump.

00:54:40.000 Like she was riding Donald Trump, you know, because he does a great Donald Trump too.

00:54:43.000 And he showed it to me.

00:54:45.000 I was in tears, in tears.

00:54:47.000 He goes, they cut this.

00:54:48.000 I go, what?!

00:54:50.000 He goes, they said no to this.

00:54:51.000 I go, no!

00:54:52.000 He goes, yes.

00:54:53.000 I go, no!

00:54:53.000 What was the reason behind it?

00:54:55.000 Too controversial.

00:54:55.000 You can't make fun of trans people.

00:54:57.000 But you're not making fun of...

00:54:59.000 You're making fun of trans people.

00:55:00.000 Trans people are allowed to have sex with the president, too.

00:55:01.000 No, no, no, no.

00:55:02.000 You're mocking trans.

00:55:04.000 You're mocking people.

00:55:06.000 I think you're lifting up trans people.

00:55:09.000 Yeah, because she's on top.

00:55:10.000 She's fucking the shit out of Trump.

00:55:12.000 She's fucking Trump.

00:55:13.000 I think that's a pretty good look for a trans person, you know?

00:55:17.000 It's not the worst look.

00:55:18.000 Yeah.

00:55:19.000 It could be worse.

00:55:21.000 I mean, and I think she was a Republican.

00:55:25.000 Yeah, Caitlin's a Republican.

00:55:27.000 Yeah.

00:55:27.000 My favorite part was when, you know, there was the whole thing I was, you know, when all this was going on and she was winning Women of the Year, I go, do you understand that she's against gay marriage?

00:55:37.000 Yeah.

00:55:37.000 And gay friends of mine were like, what?

00:55:39.000 I go, do you understand this?

00:55:41.000 Yeah.

00:55:41.000 Do you understand this?

00:55:43.000 Just, I want you to stop and pause before you decide this is a hero.

00:55:47.000 Yeah.

00:55:47.000 I want you to look into this.

00:55:48.000 This is a moron.

00:55:49.000 You have a moron who just happens to be transgender.

00:55:52.000 And just because she's a famous moron does not mean she's anything other than a moron.

00:55:55.000 Yeah, she's still not good.

00:55:59.000 This was her response.

00:56:01.000 Why are you against gay marriage?

00:56:03.000 Well, I guess I'm just kind of a traditional girl.

00:56:06.000 She really said that.

00:56:08.000 Traditional girl?

00:56:09.000 This is where I wish we could get to with some of this stuff, is that you can be like, yes, I appreciate and respect everything about you being able to be trans.

00:56:17.000 I do not like you.

00:56:20.000 It's not because you're trans.

00:56:21.000 It has nothing to do with you being trans.

00:56:23.000 I don't like you as a person.

00:56:25.000 I think you're a bad person.

00:56:27.000 I don't know if she's a bad person.

00:56:28.000 I just think she's kind of a dumb.

00:56:29.000 But that's where I wish we could get to.

00:56:31.000 Where it's like, no, no, no.

00:56:32.000 This isn't about being anything, whatever the hot button issue that you are.

00:56:37.000 It's like, no, you're just still a shitty person.

00:56:39.000 Well, this is where the loophole has gone into women in sports.

00:56:44.000 That's where it's gone in.

00:56:45.000 This drives me crazy.

00:56:46.000 It should drive you crazy.

00:56:47.000 It drives me crazy, too.

00:56:49.000 Biological women are getting fucked.

00:56:51.000 They're getting fucked over.

00:56:52.000 And they're not getting fucked like Trump with Caitlyn on top.

00:56:55.000 They're getting fucked the worst way.

00:56:57.000 And they're finally starting to step back.

00:56:59.000 The Olympic weightlifting, the people who do powerlifting tournaments, they stopped it.

00:57:04.000 They won't let transgender women enter in and pretend to be a biological woman anymore.

00:57:09.000 Well, and there's one thing that women have to, in order to fight this correctly, women have to admit that men are physically stronger than us.

00:57:17.000 And they 100% are.

00:57:18.000 Men are stronger than women.

00:57:19.000 But that's a crazy thing to say.

00:57:21.000 That's like admitting that women can have babies and men can't.

00:57:24.000 It's like, these are biological facts.

00:57:26.000 Of course!

00:57:26.000 But there's a thing, like, I mean, I've gotten into fights with people about Serena Williams, and they're saying, like, well, she could beat any man, and I'm like, she literally can't.

00:57:33.000 She can't.

00:57:34.000 The last time she...

00:57:35.000 I'm not saying she's not great, but the last time she played against a man, he was like some guy who drinks and like...

00:57:42.000 He was like rake 600th, was like drinking, whatever.

00:57:45.000 He stomped her.

00:57:46.000 And she's still lost.

00:57:47.000 Yeah.

00:57:47.000 And this was back a couple years ago when she was like really at her peak.

00:57:51.000 Yeah.

00:57:51.000 It's not fair.

00:57:53.000 It's not.

00:57:53.000 Like I say this all the time, it's like...

00:57:55.000 I love track, right?

00:57:56.000 But in high jump, the best woman in the world right now is jumping about 6'7".

00:58:01.000 The best man in the world is jumping 7'11".

00:58:05.000 That's close.

00:58:07.000 Close enough.

00:58:08.000 Let her in.

00:58:08.000 Put a skirt on her.

00:58:09.000 You know who else was jumping 6'7"?

00:58:11.000 My friend Graham when we were in high school.

00:58:14.000 He's an architect now.

00:58:16.000 Really?

00:58:16.000 He jumped 6'7"?

00:58:17.000 He jumped 6'7".

00:58:18.000 And he was a good high jumper.

00:58:19.000 He went to a D1 school for it.

00:58:21.000 But he...

00:58:24.000 He would have been a world record holder if he was a woman.

00:58:26.000 World record holder.

00:58:27.000 Well, that's happening now.

00:58:28.000 You're getting world record holders now, in weightlifting in particular, where they're trans women.

00:58:32.000 It's not fair.

00:58:33.000 It's ridiculous.

00:58:34.000 It was in fighting for a while.

00:58:35.000 There was a girl who was a man for 32 years, became a I didn't understand how far...

00:58:55.000 This whole PC progressive culture had gotten in terms of completely off the rails and not looking at things accurately.

00:59:02.000 I was like, come on, you've got to be objective.

00:59:04.000 I'm not saying people can't be trans, but what I'm saying is you can't not tell someone.

00:59:08.000 By the way, I'm 100% for a woman fighting a man if she wants to.

00:59:14.000 If they weigh the same and she decides.

00:59:16.000 I don't think it's smart.

00:59:17.000 I think it's very dangerous.

00:59:24.000 Mm-hmm.

00:59:27.000 Mm-hmm.

00:59:34.000 And she's fighting for the bantamweight title this weekend in Vegas.

00:59:38.000 This is her.

00:59:38.000 This is her fucking up a dude.

00:59:40.000 See, now this, she just calculatedly decided that she was a better fighter than this guy and knew that, look at this, fucking this dude up!

00:59:49.000 But he's trying.

00:59:50.000 He still clubbed her in the back of the head there.

00:59:52.000 Yeah.

00:59:53.000 Dangerous.

00:59:54.000 Fucking dangerous.

00:59:55.000 See, he's getting in trouble for clubbing her in the back of the head.

00:59:58.000 But she had a boxing match with this guy and fucking flattened him.

01:00:03.000 How is that guy ranked anything?

01:00:05.000 I don't know.

01:00:06.000 I don't know the specifics behind it, but it's super risky for a woman to fight a man.

01:00:11.000 Yes.

01:00:12.000 But she wanted the challenge, and I completely support it.

01:00:15.000 Go to where she flattens him.

01:00:17.000 See, this dude is fucking dangerous, but she's a super high-level fighter.

01:00:23.000 Boom!

01:00:23.000 Right there, son.

01:00:25.000 Out go the lights.

01:00:27.000 You just got flatlined by a woman, kid.

01:00:32.000 Watch that again.

01:00:32.000 Back that up again.

01:00:33.000 But you're talking about a guy who's just a schmo.

01:00:37.000 I mean, not a bad fighter.

01:00:40.000 Knows how to punch, but that's a world champion.

01:00:43.000 If Jermaine Durand wants to do that, I wouldn't say she couldn't do it.

01:00:47.000 You do whatever you want.

01:00:48.000 But the idea that you can not tell someone that you were a man for 30 years.

01:00:54.000 I got into a conversation with this on Twitter back when I used to get in conversations with people.

01:00:58.000 Best time of your life.

01:00:59.000 This lady actually said this to me.

01:01:01.000 She goes, she's always been a woman.

01:01:04.000 And I go, even when she fathered a child?

01:01:07.000 And she goes, even then.

01:01:08.000 I go, we're done.

01:01:09.000 We're done.

01:01:10.000 We're in crazy town.

01:01:10.000 Now you're just making things up.

01:01:12.000 Mentally, yes.

01:01:13.000 Maybe she was always a woman mentally.

01:01:15.000 But physically, you weren't.

01:01:18.000 So it's the same thing.

01:01:19.000 What does that mean, mentally?

01:01:21.000 What does that mean?

01:01:22.000 I don't know.

01:01:22.000 I guess you felt inside that you were always supposed to be a woman.

01:01:27.000 I think you're probably saying the wrong words anyway.

01:01:30.000 But now she's a lesbian.

01:01:31.000 So she's into women.

01:01:32.000 Yeah, I mean, it's such a complicated, like, and the thing is, this is what bothers me, is that you can't even question or have any discussions around it.

01:01:43.000 Exactly.

01:01:43.000 Where it's just like, no, I want to know and I want to be better, but I need help understanding.

01:01:48.000 Even the language you use, I want to be better.

01:01:50.000 Yeah, yeah, I want to be better.

01:01:51.000 Be better.

01:01:51.000 Like, yeah, yeah.

01:01:52.000 Be better, Michelle.

01:01:54.000 Be best.

01:01:57.000 But, yeah, I mean, like, I don't, like, yeah, I want people to live whatever way they want to live.

01:02:01.000 Yeah.

01:02:02.000 But help me a little bit here.

01:02:03.000 Like, I don't know.

01:02:05.000 And I don't even know how to look it up online.

01:02:07.000 You can't.

01:02:08.000 You can't.

01:02:08.000 You're not allowed to.

01:02:09.000 Yeah.

01:02:09.000 If they find out what you're searching, they'll come for you.

01:02:12.000 They'll come for you and take away your woke past.

01:02:13.000 Yeah.

01:02:14.000 Now you can't have another special because you Googled...

01:02:19.000 Are you allowed to be a lesbian?

01:02:21.000 Well, people literally have gotten massive blowback on their careers because of that.

01:02:26.000 Yeah.

01:02:26.000 You know, because of questioning whether or not trans people can fight.

01:02:30.000 I mean, Ronda Rousey got a ton of shit when she was saying she didn't think trans women should be able to fight regular women in MMA or biological women, whatever you want to call it.

01:02:38.000 If you didn't even say regular women, like, you piece of shit.

01:02:40.000 Of course.

01:02:41.000 She is a regular woman.

01:02:42.000 Yeah.

01:02:44.000 Everybody's so angry.

01:02:45.000 And it's such a mob thing, too.

01:02:47.000 It's funny because these are the people that don't want bullies.

01:02:50.000 It's like the same people, progressive people, are the ones who are anti-bullying.

01:02:54.000 Oh, they bully just as much.

01:02:56.000 More.

01:02:56.000 They bully each other.

01:02:57.000 You can't be woke enough.

01:02:59.000 You can't.

01:02:59.000 Because they're just feeding off of each other.

01:03:01.000 Like, I used to have piranhas, okay?

01:03:03.000 And one of the things that happens with piranhas is when one of them gets sick, the other ones fuck them up.

01:03:08.000 They cannibalize each other all the time.

01:03:10.000 It was weird.

01:03:10.000 What an animal.

01:03:11.000 Oh, they're so crazy.

01:03:12.000 Like, one of them, you'd see one of them have, like, a little slight wiggle to them, and they'd be like, hmm.

01:03:17.000 And they'd just eat them?

01:03:18.000 Yeah, they'd eat them.

01:03:19.000 Fuck them up.

01:03:20.000 I'd come home and half a piranha would be at the bottom of the tank.

01:03:22.000 I'd be like, oh, you fucking creeps.

01:03:24.000 Jesus.

01:03:24.000 So I'd have to scoop it out.

01:03:26.000 I had a hamster that ate the other hamster once.

01:03:28.000 Oh, I had that happen when I was a little kid.

01:03:29.000 Yeah.

01:03:30.000 They had a wet tail.

01:03:32.000 It was like a disease.

01:03:34.000 I don't know, but it's a weird thing to walk home to when you're five.

01:03:37.000 Yeah.

01:03:37.000 Her name was Fluffy and she was eating her babies.

01:03:40.000 She was eating her babies.

01:03:41.000 We came home.

01:03:42.000 She was like a bloody fucking baby.

01:03:44.000 She's holding on to the baby's head and just chewing up.

01:03:47.000 Like, what in the fuck kind of pet is this?

01:03:51.000 And there was no warning.

01:03:52.000 Yeah, that was it for me for hamsters.

01:03:52.000 There was no Google back then.

01:03:54.000 So I was like, what is happening here?

01:03:55.000 I guess I got to go to the library and look this up in the encyclopedia to see if it's a thing.

01:04:00.000 Why is my hamster eating its baby's head like it's a fucking ripe tomato?

01:04:04.000 Ugh, it was so disgusting.

01:04:05.000 It was so disgusting.

01:04:07.000 It was burned into my head.

01:04:08.000 I was like seven years old.

01:04:09.000 I was like, holy shit.

01:04:10.000 Yeah.

01:04:12.000 How did we get to that?

01:04:13.000 Oh, we were talking about woke people.

01:04:15.000 Oh, piranhas.

01:04:16.000 Piranhas, yeah.

01:04:17.000 That's what they're like.

01:04:18.000 When one steps out of line, even when woke people, they don't say, hey, Sheila's a good person.

01:04:27.000 She just misspoke.

01:04:29.000 And Sheila's like, I'm sorry.

01:04:30.000 I didn't really mean it that way.

01:04:31.000 It came out wrong.

01:04:32.000 And everybody's like, that's cool.

01:04:33.000 This is what's important.

01:04:34.000 Kindness.

01:04:35.000 That's what's important.

01:04:36.000 No, it's like, fuck Sheila.

01:04:37.000 And fuck white people.

01:04:38.000 And fuck the patriarchy.

01:04:39.000 And fuck Like, whoa!

01:04:42.000 It goes from we support you to burn it to the ground.

01:04:45.000 Burn it to the ground.

01:04:46.000 Burn it.

01:04:46.000 She can have nothing anymore.

01:04:48.000 And everyone's trying to stand out as being, like, ultra-progressive and hardcore with it.

01:04:54.000 So everyone's, like, making these hard stances on Twitter where it's, like, so aggressive.

01:04:59.000 I think, though, that my theory behind it is that we've always liked, as a human, we've always liked to watch people die.

01:05:07.000 Whether it's figuratively or literally.

01:05:09.000 Because we used to do Gladiator when people got beheaded or burned at the stake.

01:05:14.000 That was a thing.

01:05:16.000 Everyone came to that from the town.

01:05:18.000 And they were all just like, yeah, because in that moment, your life isn't as bad as the person who's getting burned.

01:05:26.000 And I think that's what people are...

01:05:28.000 People just want to feel powerful.

01:05:30.000 100%.

01:05:30.000 They're online and they're like, oh, I can take down this person.

01:05:33.000 And it's like...

01:05:35.000 Did you really do anything today?

01:05:36.000 Did you really just destroy someone's life who was trying to be a good person?

01:05:41.000 I don't know, go after companies using plastic or something like that.

01:05:47.000 Yeah.

01:05:48.000 No, you're right.

01:05:48.000 There is a thing to that, right?

01:05:50.000 When anyone steps out of line publicly and then people start attacking them, this is not like a personal issue to them.

01:05:56.000 Right.

01:05:57.000 It's not like this person that did this thing, it's like really affects your life.

01:06:01.000 Right.

01:06:01.000 But the amount of energy that people put into it and the amount of time, like when people want to go dig up those old tweets and want to find out things that you said or, you know, and this, it is similar to that feeling of watching a public execution.

01:06:14.000 Right.

01:06:14.000 Like, hang him!

01:06:15.000 Hang him!

01:06:17.000 And everyone's so excited for it to happen.

01:06:19.000 Like, they're just, they pile on.

01:06:21.000 They'll go on your Instagram, leave tons and tons of, like, terrible comments.

01:06:25.000 You're getting cancelled!

01:06:27.000 Yeah!

01:06:29.000 And it's like, okay, good.

01:06:30.000 Did you really feel, does that make your day better?

01:06:33.000 What are you making a face for, Jeremy?

01:06:34.000 I just found something dark as you guys were talking about this.

01:06:38.000 About hamsters eating their kids?

01:06:39.000 The last public hanging, there was like a huge media event, like 20,000 people traveled to Kentucky to watch it happen.

01:06:46.000 To see a white woman hang a black man.

01:06:48.000 She was the local sheriff and she didn't go through with it because of probably the attention.

01:06:52.000 So some eager volunteers did it.

01:06:55.000 And while this was all going on, there was like a media circus.

01:06:58.000 People were eating hot dogs, drinking lemonade, camping out overnight.

01:07:01.000 Oh my god.

01:07:03.000 It was a huge event.

01:07:04.000 And it was 1936. Oh boy.

01:07:07.000 What did they say he did?

01:07:09.000 That's what I was looking for before.

01:07:09.000 It said up there, scroll up.

01:07:11.000 It said he wanted for the rape of a 70-year-old woman.

01:07:14.000 That was the woman.

01:07:15.000 Go scroll up.

01:07:15.000 Scroll up.

01:07:16.000 A little higher.

01:07:17.000 A little higher.

01:07:18.000 I think he was talking.

01:07:18.000 There it is.

01:07:19.000 Okay.

01:07:20.000 Yeah, see, Bethesda confessed to the rape and murder of a 70-year-old Lishi Edwards, a capital crime under Kentucky law, and one that fell upon the local sheriff to punish.

01:07:32.000 I could appoint the deputy sheriff to deputize any citizen to spring the trap, Thompson told reporters as she stoically resigned herself to the role.

01:07:41.000 But to do that would inflict an unpleasant job upon someone else.

01:07:46.000 So she decided this disgusting job, she was going to do it, and then decided not to.

01:07:51.000 Oh, the first female executioner.

01:07:53.000 And then she couldn't do it.

01:07:54.000 Not a good look for women.

01:08:01.000 The problem with those, anything post-slavery, post-1865, there were so many crimes that people were arrested for that were nothing, where men were being forced to do labor.

01:08:13.000 So what would happen was, because of the fact that slavery was now abolished, These men would be loitering, right?

01:08:21.000 People didn't know what the fuck to do.

01:08:22.000 Like, imagine you're a slave your whole life.

01:08:24.000 You grew up a slave, and then all of a sudden you're free.

01:08:26.000 You're like, what the fuck?

01:08:27.000 What do I do?

01:08:28.000 Well, they would just arrest you and then make you do hard labor in jail for nothing.

01:08:33.000 Yeah, they essentially figured out how to make slavery legal again.

01:08:37.000 And they did it for decades.

01:08:39.000 Yeah.

01:08:39.000 I mean, they still sort of do it today.

01:08:41.000 Sure.

01:08:41.000 Yeah.

01:08:42.000 I mean, when you make a guy work in jail for a dollar a day, whatever the fuck they pay, how is that not slavery?

01:08:48.000 Yeah.

01:08:48.000 Were you giving him gruel?

01:08:49.000 What are you giving him?

01:08:50.000 White bread and fucking shitty meatloaf?

01:08:52.000 What are you feeding him?

01:08:53.000 It's one of those things where I'm like...

01:08:55.000 We get so mad at a lot of the current stuff that's happening with what we're supposed to be saying, the right pronouns to use, all that stuff.

01:09:04.000 And it's like, yeah, okay, I'll try to say the right pronouns.

01:09:07.000 That's a pretty easy fix.

01:09:09.000 How about we go back and kind of correct some of this 400 years of slavery and oppression that we did for black people?

01:09:17.000 Oh, is it because it's harder to do?

01:09:20.000 Yeah, pronouns are easy.

01:09:21.000 It's not a solvable problem.

01:09:22.000 They, them is easy.

01:09:23.000 Yeah.

01:09:23.000 Captain Pink Hair.

01:09:24.000 Yeah.

01:09:25.000 I think the real problem is these communities, they've never recovered.

01:09:30.000 Like places like Baltimore, there's certain communities that have been the same forever.

01:09:36.000 And South Side of Chicago is another one, right?

01:09:38.000 There's these communities that they're just, they're fucked with, riddled with crime and drugs and so many people in and out of jail and this constant recidivism rate.

01:09:48.000 Yeah.

01:09:48.000 You grow up there, you're in that system.

01:09:51.000 You may be in a terrible public school.

01:09:54.000 You have to work as early as you can.

01:09:57.000 Gangs everywhere, drugs.

01:09:58.000 I mean, the people that are heroes in your neighborhood are drug dealers.

01:10:00.000 So how do you fix that?

01:10:02.000 Boy, there's no effort put to that in terms of like a systematic national effort on the federal level to step in and do something to these communities and do it on a scale that we do in other countries when we bomb the fuck out of them.

01:10:17.000 Right.

01:10:18.000 And also just admit that we're racist.

01:10:21.000 Like, when an apartheid, after apartheid happened, they had like a day, there was a couple days of reckoning or whatever it was called, where everyone went up and they were like, these are the things I did.

01:10:32.000 Really?

01:10:32.000 Yeah.

01:10:33.000 These are the things I did.

01:10:35.000 These are like the laws I broke.

01:10:37.000 And it was like this like terrible, like, cathartic, admit to your racism.

01:10:42.000 Hmm.

01:10:43.000 And then let's try to heal after that.

01:10:46.000 And then we're all just like, no, we're not racist.

01:10:48.000 And I'm like, we're pretty racist.

01:10:50.000 Well, some people are racist, but what's racist is that these communities suffered under a system that was completely imposed because of racism.

01:11:00.000 Right.

01:11:01.000 In the 1800s and then in the early 1900s and during the civil rights era.

01:11:06.000 This is all, I mean, there's no denying that it's the echoes of at least...

01:11:11.000 Ancient racism that needs to be somehow or another addressed.

01:11:15.000 But I mean, how do you address that?

01:11:17.000 Some people want reparations, and the idea of it makes sense, right?

01:11:22.000 Clearly, someone profited, right?

01:11:24.000 To this day, there's corporations.

01:11:27.000 You can trace their money back to slavery.

01:11:29.000 Right.

01:11:30.000 Right?

01:11:31.000 Well, it seems like they should pay something.

01:11:34.000 Yeah, they should pay a little bit.

01:11:35.000 How did you guys get rich?

01:11:36.000 Like, if you look at a giant plantation, and they used to have slaves, and they profited off those slaves, and that plantation is somehow or another still in operation today.

01:11:43.000 Right.

01:11:44.000 I don't know if that's the case.

01:11:45.000 But if it was, like, uh, where'd you get your money?

01:11:48.000 Yeah.

01:11:48.000 What'd you do?

01:11:49.000 And then how do you go about giving it back to people?

01:11:52.000 How do you give it back?

01:11:52.000 Who do you give it back to?

01:11:53.000 Yeah.

01:11:53.000 Do you give it back to the ancestors of the people who were slaves?

01:11:57.000 And the problem is, like, if you give people money, I don't think it fixes the problem.

01:12:01.000 I think to fix the problem, there has to be some sort of...

01:12:04.000 I mean, we've beaten this horse to death on the show, unfortunately.

01:12:07.000 And I don't have any solutions.

01:12:09.000 No one ever has one.

01:12:10.000 I don't know what it would be, but I think there has to be some way...

01:12:14.000 To clean up communities.

01:12:16.000 And I don't know how you would do that.

01:12:17.000 I mean, I have no idea.

01:12:18.000 How do you go to a place like...

01:12:20.000 South Side of Chicago has more murders than Afghanistan.

01:12:24.000 I mean, it's bad there.

01:12:26.000 It's fucking bad.

01:12:27.000 Am I making that up?

01:12:28.000 I'm not making that up.

01:12:29.000 I don't think so.

01:12:30.000 I think you're right.

01:12:30.000 But that's the thing.

01:12:32.000 This is such an unsolvable problem, and the stuff that people go after on Twitter, like the social justice stuff, is so easy to do.

01:12:40.000 And it's like, yeah, of course that's what you're going to like.

01:12:43.000 You can have a hard day or whatever shitty job you have, and then you come home, you see someone got mad at something or did something wrong, and you get to be like, yeah, this person, you're canceled.

01:12:55.000 And then you close your computer or whatever, or you watch people retweet it.

01:13:00.000 And you're like, I did do something today.

01:13:03.000 I'm an activist.

01:13:04.000 Yeah, I'm an activist.

01:13:05.000 I'm an online activist.

01:13:06.000 Yes, activist.

01:13:07.000 And I have power.

01:13:08.000 I'm an educator.

01:13:08.000 I contributed.

01:13:09.000 Yes, contributing.

01:13:11.000 Yeah.

01:13:12.000 It's a weird tool.

01:13:13.000 It's a great tool sometimes.

01:13:15.000 Twitter is great for just getting out information.

01:13:18.000 Letting people know about something.

01:13:21.000 When I use it mostly, I find cool stories.

01:13:24.000 If I read some cool article, like I was reading some article about China has made pig-monkey hybrids.

01:13:33.000 Cut!

01:13:34.000 China!

01:13:34.000 Yeah.

01:13:35.000 And they've successfully made these pig-monkey hybrids.

01:13:38.000 What did they look like?

01:13:40.000 They didn't show.

01:13:41.000 They showed a picture of a pig fetus.

01:13:42.000 I'm pretty sure it was just a regular pig fetus.

01:13:44.000 But they didn't stay alive very long.

01:13:46.000 The idea is they want to get to a point.

01:13:49.000 Was it pig-human or pig-monkey?

01:13:52.000 I think it was Pig Monkey.

01:13:53.000 I think you tweeted it was Pig Monkey.

01:13:55.000 They do a Pig Monkey.

01:13:57.000 That's what we've heard about, yeah.

01:13:58.000 Alex Jones says they're doing Pig Humans.

01:13:59.000 I bet he's right.

01:14:00.000 I guarantee he's right.

01:14:02.000 They do Pig Monkey and then just like a little baby boy is born.

01:14:05.000 You're like, you little pig.

01:14:07.000 Is that what we are?

01:14:08.000 Are we Pig Monkeys?

01:14:09.000 But I think what they're trying to do is develop...

01:14:12.000 Pigs, their hearts and a lot of their organs are very similar to ours.

01:14:17.000 And their digestive tract is very similar to ours.

01:14:20.000 There's certain tests they do on how things are digested, and they do them through pig stomachs.

01:14:25.000 Well, they do a lot of transplants with pigs now, too.

01:14:27.000 Yes.

01:14:28.000 So I think the idea is eventually get to a point where you can get harvestable organs from pigs.

01:14:35.000 So they'd have some sort of a pig-human hybrid.

01:14:38.000 But you know someone's going to fuck one.

01:14:40.000 Someone's going to bring it home.

01:14:42.000 You've got some pig lady walking around your house.

01:14:44.000 Miss Piggy.

01:14:45.000 Cooking bacon for you.

01:14:47.000 It's got like a human vagina.

01:14:49.000 So is it?

01:14:51.000 A good one, too.

01:14:52.000 Real tight, like a drum.

01:14:57.000 Wait, where does that saying come from?

01:14:59.000 Like a drum.

01:15:00.000 Like your drum's pulled tight.

01:15:01.000 Oh, pulled tight.

01:15:02.000 Okay, sorry.

01:15:03.000 Sometimes I'm the dumbest person in the world.

01:15:06.000 But it's true, it's the wrong kind of tight.

01:15:08.000 I'm like, I'm looking, I was like, but drums have like a pretty big hole in the back.

01:15:12.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah, ridiculous.

01:15:13.000 You know, you're 100% right.

01:15:15.000 Tight like a drum is a dumb way to describe a vagina, for sure.

01:15:18.000 Yeah.

01:15:18.000 Yeah, I don't think it, but I guess it is.

01:15:20.000 Unless there's like a weird covering over a vagina.

01:15:23.000 Tight like a fist, like a mason's fist, like a stone mason, someone who carries bricks every day and has fat, strong hands.

01:15:33.000 Tight like a...

01:15:36.000 Tight like a butthole.

01:15:37.000 Like a butthole.

01:15:38.000 Like a strong butthole.

01:15:39.000 Someone who squats a lot.

01:15:41.000 Yeah.

01:15:42.000 Yeah.

01:15:43.000 But if you can get a pig with a human vagina...

01:15:45.000 Well, that's...

01:15:45.000 People fuck sheep, right?

01:15:46.000 Yeah.

01:15:47.000 Isn't that the whole deal with sheep?

01:15:48.000 Yeah, in New Zealand, I think.

01:15:48.000 Is it supposed to be real close?

01:15:50.000 That's what they say.

01:15:51.000 Probably in Pennsylvania, too.

01:15:52.000 I mean, I'm sure in Pennsylvania.

01:15:55.000 It's not going to get carried away.

01:15:57.000 When people get...

01:15:58.000 Again, what you said, no options.

01:16:01.000 No standards.

01:16:03.000 Yeah, if you found out that no one was looking, they don't fuck sheep because it's gross.

01:16:09.000 They fuck sheep because the sheep's that high and they're right there.

01:16:12.000 Yeah.

01:16:13.000 And they look around and...

01:16:14.000 What about that poor guy who's the exact right hype for a sheep?

01:16:18.000 Yeah, perfect.

01:16:19.000 And he's got a boner.

01:16:20.000 And he's just like, oh, I don't even have to bend my knees at all.

01:16:23.000 What if the sheep's backing up into you too?

01:16:25.000 The sheep likes it.

01:16:27.000 Who's the victim?

01:16:28.000 Yeah.

01:16:29.000 Yeah, maybe the sheep was like...

01:16:30.000 Maybe the sheep keeps like...

01:16:31.000 Yeah, the sheep likes it.

01:16:33.000 Keeps nuzzling up against them.

01:16:34.000 Like a Lizzo dance.

01:16:36.000 Yeah!

01:16:41.000 I would love if that's that guy's defense in court.

01:16:44.000 He's just like, no, but you've got to look at this video.

01:16:46.000 You can't tell me the sheep's not into this.

01:16:49.000 Here's a video of me entering into the pen.

01:16:51.000 Now look, they're all back towards me.

01:16:53.000 Backwards.

01:16:53.000 Yeah.

01:16:54.000 Yeah.

01:16:55.000 They all just go right to his dick.

01:16:56.000 One of them is buying, I'm pretty sure, juice.

01:17:02.000 It's a ridiculous thing that people fuck animals.

01:17:05.000 But animals fuck people too.

01:17:07.000 You ever see dolphins?

01:17:08.000 Dolphins get a hold of people?

01:17:09.000 I've seen a video of that.

01:17:11.000 There's one of the dolphin that came up on a woman.

01:17:13.000 Start trying to fuck her.

01:17:15.000 There was an article.

01:17:16.000 It's the best trolling that has ever been done to me.

01:17:19.000 There was an article that said I was guilty of bestiality.

01:17:23.000 It said wolf guilty of bestiality and it was from my hometown newspaper, The Homestown Sun, which is a very small newspaper.

01:17:33.000 There's like three or four people that work there, I think.

01:17:35.000 But, like, it said that I was guilty of bestiality, and they did so much research.

01:17:40.000 Like, they got, like, the paper, the right paper.

01:17:44.000 They got, like, all this information about me.

01:17:47.000 And then the surprising thing was at the end of the article, it said I pled guilty, and the fine was $1,500.

01:17:53.000 And I was like, and it was about fucking dogs, that I was fucking dogs.

01:17:57.000 And I was like, well, if that was what I was into, $1,500, like...

01:18:04.000 It's kind of worth it.

01:18:05.000 Depends how much money you have and how big the dog's dick is.

01:18:09.000 Yeah.

01:18:10.000 And I was also like, how is the dog...

01:18:12.000 Is the dog fucking me?

01:18:14.000 Right.

01:18:14.000 Is it like a peanut butter situation?

01:18:18.000 There's videos like that that existed before the internet.

01:18:21.000 There was a video, I think it was called Barnyard Betty.

01:18:24.000 It was me and my friend Billy and my friend Ron.

01:18:27.000 We went over to their house and it was in the basement.

01:18:29.000 I remember one of us had to guard the door in case someone came into the basement.

01:18:33.000 It was an old VHS tape.

01:18:34.000 So they put the VHS tape on and one of us had to stand by the doorway to the basement just to make sure that nobody opened the door and busted us.

01:18:42.000 And we watched this fucked up video of these trailer trash looking meth girls that were blowing donkeys and having sex with dogs.

01:18:51.000 One of them had sex with a German Shepherd.

01:18:53.000 It was so gross.

01:18:55.000 There was an episode of Nip Tuck where that happened.

01:18:58.000 Nip Tuck, I remember that show.

01:18:59.000 There was a woman, she put like peanut butter on her vagina and their dog would like lick it off.

01:19:04.000 Oh, that's real.

01:19:05.000 That happens all the time.

01:19:06.000 Yeah, and I was like, this is...

01:19:07.000 I remember I was kind of younger and I was like, that's a weird thing to put in TV. With a dog bites.

01:19:14.000 Yeah.

01:19:15.000 Lick, lick, lick, chomp.

01:19:16.000 Yeah.

01:19:17.000 So it's getting greedy.

01:19:18.000 It seems like a dangerous situation.

01:19:20.000 Yeah, if you had too many dogs, like you said, like, oh, one's not enough.

01:19:23.000 I wouldn't want to lick my butthole, too.

01:19:25.000 Oh, God!

01:19:26.000 Peanut butter down there, peanut butter on the vajayjay.

01:19:30.000 This is so gross.

01:19:33.000 Whatever happened to that nip-tuck show?

01:19:35.000 I don't know.

01:19:35.000 I think it went off the rails a little bit.

01:19:38.000 Yeah.

01:19:38.000 It was one of those shows.

01:19:39.000 It started out real good.

01:19:40.000 And then after a while, you're like, wait, what?

01:19:42.000 What the fuck's happening here?

01:19:43.000 Yeah.

01:19:43.000 Like Dexter.

01:19:44.000 Yeah.

01:19:45.000 Dexter went way off the rails.

01:19:47.000 Like, it started out like, whoa, this is kind of a cool show.

01:19:49.000 Cool idea.

01:19:50.000 A guy who's like a good guy, serial killer?

01:19:53.000 Huh?

01:19:53.000 Yeah.

01:19:53.000 And then like four seasons in, you're like, hey, what are you doing?

01:19:56.000 Who wrote this one?

01:19:58.000 That happened with, I loved the show Scandal.

01:20:01.000 I never saw that.

01:20:02.000 And it was, I mean, it's just a, I mean, it's, It's not actually a great show, but I really did like it.

01:20:08.000 And the first couple seasons, I'm like, this is great, this is great.

01:20:11.000 Season three and four, I was like, this is crazy.

01:20:14.000 And then the end of it, I was like, okay, they brought it back around.

01:20:17.000 Well, the term jump the shark came from Fonzie jumping over a tank full of sharks.

01:20:24.000 Yeah!

01:20:25.000 Literally, people were like, get the fuck out of here.

01:20:28.000 What is this?

01:20:30.000 What are you doing?

01:20:31.000 Yeah.

01:20:31.000 Have you ever met Henry Winkler?

01:20:33.000 I did, actually.

01:20:34.000 He might be the nicest guy alive.

01:20:35.000 He's so nice.

01:20:36.000 I saw him at the Emmys last year and he introduced himself to me, which I was like, this is the craziest thing.

01:20:42.000 I can't believe you know who I am.

01:20:44.000 Ah, that's weird, right?

01:20:45.000 Yeah.

01:20:45.000 Someone famous knows you?

01:20:47.000 And I was like, this is like, I mean, it's Henry Winkler.

01:20:51.000 Henry fucking Winkler.

01:20:52.000 Could not be further from the Fonz character.

01:20:55.000 Yeah.

01:20:55.000 Like, super sweet, really nice guy.

01:20:58.000 He wrote a book called I've Never Met an Idiot on the River.

01:21:01.000 It's about fly fishing.

01:21:02.000 Yeah?

01:21:03.000 He loves fly fishing, apparently.

01:21:05.000 And he just wrote a book about fly fishing.

01:21:08.000 There's a lot of people who really like fly fishing.

01:21:10.000 It's fun.

01:21:10.000 Yeah.

01:21:11.000 Yeah, but it's weird.

01:21:12.000 There he is.

01:21:13.000 The Fonz!

01:21:14.000 Oh, he jet skied over the shark?

01:21:16.000 Yeah.

01:21:17.000 I thought he was a motorcycle.

01:21:18.000 He was popping up.

01:21:19.000 He was skiing in a lake or something.

01:21:20.000 Look at that.

01:21:21.000 Oh!

01:21:23.000 Of course he has his jacket on.

01:21:25.000 Oh!

01:21:25.000 The Fonz!

01:21:26.000 Got a leather jacket on him.

01:21:28.000 Yeah, I think it's more unbelievable that he'd wear a leather jacket water skiing than jump over a bunch of sharks.

01:21:34.000 Well, how about he's got it in between his legs?

01:21:36.000 Look how he's doing that.

01:21:38.000 Go back to that original picture.

01:21:40.000 Wait, did Henry Winkler actually learn how to...

01:21:43.000 That one you just had?

01:21:44.000 That's right here, too.

01:21:45.000 Yeah, but that's black and white.

01:21:46.000 That's too artsy.

01:21:49.000 Right there.

01:21:50.000 Look, he's got it in between his legs.

01:21:52.000 That's the pole.

01:21:53.000 Wait, that looks like he's really doing that, too.

01:21:55.000 I bet he is.

01:21:56.000 Wow, good start work, Henry.

01:21:57.000 Hey!

01:21:59.000 I mean, they didn't have CGI back then.

01:22:01.000 He kind of had to do it.

01:22:02.000 Right, yeah.

01:22:03.000 Up until the point where it actually flew through the air and then they got some rugged Brad Pitt from Once Upon a Time in Hollywood type dude.

01:22:11.000 I don't know where their actual picture was.

01:22:12.000 Is that the shark?

01:22:13.000 No, no, no.

01:22:15.000 That moment has now jumped the shark as memes and stuff.

01:22:18.000 Yeah.

01:22:19.000 So many jokes about it.

01:22:20.000 But it's crazy that it was such a bad episode that it became symbolic of a show going off the rails.

01:22:27.000 Yeah.

01:22:28.000 Show Jump the Shark.

01:22:29.000 I like a good two-season show.

01:22:33.000 I love a miniseries.

01:22:35.000 I love things that end.

01:22:36.000 Do you watch Maisel?

01:22:37.000 No.

01:22:38.000 I watched a little bit of it.

01:22:39.000 Okay, here's my problem with it.

01:22:41.000 I don't think the jokes are funny.

01:22:45.000 Well, it's contextual.

01:22:47.000 Yeah, and I get that, but it's like, I don't know.

01:22:50.000 I just have a hard time Listen, I've been watching a lot of Lenny Bruce over the last few months.

01:22:57.000 I found this one Lenny Bruce channel on YouTube.

01:23:00.000 It's got all of his old clips from various television performances.

01:23:06.000 They don't make me laugh.

01:23:07.000 I know he's the best.

01:23:10.000 I don't want to say he's the best, but he's the godfather of this thing that we do, that you and I both do.

01:23:15.000 He's the guy that started it.

01:23:16.000 He really is the guy who started talking about shit instead of just telling jokes.

01:23:20.000 He started talking about social problems, and why is this, and relationships, and sadness, and all kinds of weird stuff.

01:23:29.000 I mean, he developed a whole different kind of style of stand-up comedy.

01:23:33.000 But it's not funny because you're looking at something that happened in 1950 and 1960. It's just so hard for it to translate.

01:23:41.000 Comedy, unlike anything else, I don't know, though.

01:23:56.000 I do think there are some jokes that stand up.

01:23:59.000 Sure, sure.

01:24:00.000 I think there's some people that do it that even, you know...

01:24:04.000 50 years from now, people will look back and be like, that joke's still funny.

01:24:08.000 Oh, yeah.

01:24:08.000 Well, he had some of those.

01:24:09.000 Lenny Bruce had one joke that many comics have accidentally told since then, because they didn't know any better.

01:24:17.000 But it was about gay people, that being gay is against the law.

01:24:20.000 It's like, gay, it's against the law, dig?

01:24:22.000 So they put you in jail with a bunch of guys who want to have sex with you.

01:24:26.000 Right.

01:24:30.000 It was great.

01:24:31.000 Yeah.

01:24:31.000 But back then it murdered.

01:24:33.000 I mean, back then it was just a fucking nuclear bomb.

01:24:35.000 They're like, oh shit, that's so true.

01:24:36.000 I can't imagine being in the audience and hearing someone talk like that for the first time.

01:24:40.000 Oh, yeah.

01:24:42.000 Because the best comedy, I think, is things you...

01:24:47.000 As soon as someone says it, you're like, I have always thought that.

01:24:51.000 They're just vocalizing something you were never able to put together.

01:24:56.000 And that had to be that in that audience.

01:24:59.000 Them being like, yeah!

01:25:02.000 Well, people were so suppressed then.

01:25:04.000 I mean, that's the other thing about Lenny Bruce.

01:25:06.000 He went to jail multiple times.

01:25:08.000 I mean, he was arrested multiple times for telling jokes.

01:25:12.000 Just kept doing it.

01:25:15.000 Didn't give up.

01:25:16.000 Didn't say, well, this is obviously not smart.

01:25:19.000 He kept doing it.

01:25:20.000 He kept pushing the envelope.

01:25:21.000 George Carlin, same thing.

01:25:22.000 He went to jail for it, too.

01:25:24.000 That's real stand-ups, though.

01:25:25.000 You know, real stand-ups are ones that are just like, no, I have to do this.

01:25:30.000 Yeah.

01:25:31.000 Like, you don't do it for, like, a week and you're just, like, crawling out of your skin.

01:25:35.000 Also, the audience is ultimately supposed to be the judge of whether or not something's good.

01:25:41.000 And if that's not the case, then we're losing personal freedom.

01:25:44.000 We're not asking someone to, like...

01:25:46.000 You know, like, someone's not going on stage and saying, you know, I'm going to advocate that you murder someone.

01:25:52.000 Here's their address.

01:25:53.000 We're all going to do it together.

01:25:54.000 Let's meet up.

01:25:55.000 We're not talking about that.

01:25:56.000 Right.

01:25:56.000 We're talking about someone cracking a joke and the audience laughs and they enjoy it.

01:26:01.000 And today, even today, when people get upset about someone's stand-up set and they try to cancel something and...

01:26:06.000 Listen to the audience.

01:26:08.000 Right.

01:26:09.000 Was the audience laughing?

01:26:10.000 Well, they know it's a joke, right?

01:26:12.000 They're at a comedy show, so they know it's a joke and they were laughing.

01:26:16.000 Why do you have a problem with it?

01:26:17.000 You're not even there.

01:26:19.000 So you're just looking for problems?

01:26:20.000 Look at women in Saudi Arabia.

01:26:22.000 You want to look at real problems?

01:26:24.000 Look at real problems.

01:26:25.000 Why don't you speak out against that, you fucking cowards.

01:26:27.000 Yeah, again, it's hard.

01:26:28.000 It's easy.

01:26:29.000 I hate any time...

01:26:31.000 I'm in favor of a comic telling whatever joke they want.

01:26:34.000 And then the only way you're going to know it's funny is if you say it out loud to an audience.

01:26:39.000 And it might not be funny the first thousand times you say it until you figure it out.

01:26:44.000 Well, that was my giant issue with comics that were going after Louis after that set was leaked.

01:26:50.000 The only thing people should have been mad about that is that the set was leaked.

01:26:53.000 Yeah.

01:26:53.000 That should have been like, you don't know where he's going to end up with that.

01:26:57.000 No!

01:26:58.000 He's known for doing...

01:26:59.000 Huge premises that you disagree with and then he convinces you why he's right.

01:27:05.000 In a very funny way.

01:27:06.000 And tongue in cheek.

01:27:07.000 Yeah.

01:27:08.000 I mean, it's not like he really thinks that someone pushed a fat kid in front of a bullet and that's why they're talking in front of CNN. He'll figure out a way to make that work.

01:27:16.000 This is his first time doing stand-up in 10 months.

01:27:19.000 Yeah.

01:27:19.000 Like, let...

01:27:20.000 Let's see where the joke goes.

01:27:22.000 But you know that, and I know that, because that's what we do.

01:27:25.000 But there's a lot of people that don't even understand the mechanics of creating a joke.

01:27:29.000 A lot of times you'll go up and you'll have a premise, and you're like, God, I fucking know there's something.

01:27:33.000 He might eat shit with that joke for a couple months before it really starts catching.

01:27:39.000 Years maybe even.

01:27:40.000 There's always jokes I've had that now I'm coming back to because I wasn't ready to tell it then.

01:27:47.000 And now I'm getting back to it and I'm like, okay, maybe this direction.

01:27:51.000 Especially the harder the premise.

01:27:53.000 It's going to take a while.

01:27:55.000 People have no idea how hard it is to write jokes.

01:27:57.000 Well, that's Ari's entire new hour that he's doing.

01:28:00.000 His whole new hour is called Jew.

01:28:03.000 He grew up Orthodox Jewish.

01:28:06.000 He had to go to Israel and take religious classes all day, studying the Talmud fucking 10, 12 hours a day.

01:28:13.000 He was doing the whole deal.

01:28:15.000 And his whole hour now is about this.

01:28:18.000 And we had talked about him doing bits about that years and years ago.

01:28:22.000 But he's like, I wasn't ready.

01:28:24.000 Because my stand-up wasn't good enough yet.

01:28:26.000 I didn't understand how to craft a joke yet.

01:28:28.000 Yeah.

01:28:28.000 And I mean, it takes a while to get there.

01:28:30.000 And especially stuff that's personal like that to you.

01:28:33.000 And like, you want to do it justice.

01:28:34.000 You only get to tell that story once on stage.

01:28:37.000 And then once you do those jokes, hopefully they were good enough because you're really not going to get to revisit them.

01:28:42.000 Yeah.

01:28:43.000 For you to go back over your like, hey, I put an album out 10 years ago and it kind of sucks.

01:28:47.000 So I'm going to redo all those bits.

01:28:48.000 Yeah.

01:28:49.000 Please don't go back and listen to the roots until after you see the second version.

01:28:54.000 Yeah.

01:28:54.000 No.

01:28:55.000 There's some premises I would like to go back.

01:28:57.000 Redo.

01:28:58.000 Yeah.

01:28:59.000 God, that one.

01:29:00.000 I could have done so much more with that.

01:29:01.000 I feel like sometimes, though, I feel sometimes you can show kind of your evolution by redoing some stuff a little bit, but you can't.

01:29:10.000 I don't know.

01:29:11.000 Yeah, you can show your evolution.

01:29:12.000 You can do whatever you want.

01:29:14.000 Look, Jerry Seinfeld still does old jokes.

01:29:16.000 Yeah.

01:29:16.000 I mean, they're perfectly good jokes.

01:29:19.000 Why would I throw them away?

01:29:20.000 I mean, he's done that a couple times for specials, right?

01:29:24.000 Didn't he do the Netflix special and an HBO special?

01:29:27.000 I'm telling you for the last time, I think that was HBO, right?

01:29:31.000 That was all his old stuff.

01:29:33.000 And then I think he did a Netflix special that was very similar.

01:29:36.000 It was like he went through his old notes.

01:29:38.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:29:39.000 And I think now, I think they made a multiple special deal with him or something like that, and now he's putting together his new one.

01:29:46.000 Yeah.

01:29:47.000 I'm dying to see Eddie Murphy.

01:29:50.000 Yeah.

01:29:50.000 I want to see him work out.

01:29:52.000 I want to see it work out.

01:29:53.000 There was a rumor that he was going to be at the store.

01:29:54.000 We were all freaking out.

01:29:55.000 We were ready to go down.

01:29:56.000 It was a Sunday night.

01:29:56.000 It turned out to be Damon Wayans.

01:29:58.000 But there was a rumor that a legend...

01:29:59.000 Still funny.

01:30:00.000 Still fucking awesome.

01:30:01.000 Damon's another one.

01:30:03.000 He, to me, is like one of the most unheralded of the great comics from the 90s.

01:30:07.000 Yeah.

01:30:08.000 But he was actually really funny, too.

01:30:10.000 I saw him recently at the lab in the improv.

01:30:13.000 So he hasn't done stand-up or anything in a long time.

01:30:16.000 And so he's starting to go and do it again, and then there was this rumor that someone, some star who hasn't done stand-up in a long time is going to do stand-up at the store in the belly room.

01:30:27.000 And everybody's texting everybody, is fucking Eddie Murphy going to the goddamn comedy store?

01:30:31.000 Is that really happening?

01:30:32.000 Right.

01:30:32.000 And we were all going to go down there and watch, but it turned out to be Damon.

01:30:36.000 I'd love to see Eddie working it out.

01:30:38.000 Yeah, I want to see him first time on stage.

01:30:41.000 I want to see middle.

01:30:42.000 I want to see like...

01:30:43.000 The middle?

01:30:43.000 Yeah.

01:30:44.000 I want to see like a couple of times.

01:30:46.000 I want to see the first words out of his mouth.

01:30:48.000 Two months in and then like six months in.

01:30:50.000 Do you think he's going to do it?

01:30:51.000 I hope so.

01:30:53.000 I really want to...

01:30:53.000 I mean like...

01:30:54.000 I... I don't know.

01:30:57.000 I mean, we know what his early stuff is.

01:31:00.000 He had this whole life.

01:31:02.000 And I mean, I think part of it is he sees Dave just like destroying.

01:31:07.000 And I hope there's like a little competitiveness in him where he's like, I gotta jump back in.

01:31:14.000 Yeah, he still looks great.

01:31:16.000 Yeah.

01:31:17.000 He looks so healthy.

01:31:18.000 Like, I don't know what he's doing, but goddammit, that black don't crack shit is not a lie.

01:31:23.000 I mean, he looks amazing.

01:31:26.000 He's got to be close to 60, right?

01:31:29.000 Yeah, I think so.

01:31:29.000 And he looks 30. Yeah.

01:31:31.000 He really does.

01:31:32.000 How old is he?

01:31:33.000 58. Okay.

01:31:35.000 Pull up a recent picture of Eddie Murphy.

01:31:37.000 When you saw him with Jerry in Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee, he's driving around with Jerry.

01:31:43.000 He looks great.

01:31:45.000 By the way, I said Jerry because we're tight.

01:31:47.000 I don't even know him.

01:31:49.000 But you know what I'm talking about.

01:31:51.000 He looks like in Beverly Hills Cop, he's just thinner.

01:31:55.000 He's just young.

01:31:56.000 And I don't mean thinner that he's fat now.

01:31:58.000 I just mean he's like...

01:31:59.000 Bulked up.

01:32:00.000 He's bulked up.

01:32:00.000 Become a man.

01:32:01.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:32:02.000 He was essentially still a child then.

01:32:04.000 He's so healthy looking.

01:32:06.000 Yeah, he looks great.

01:32:06.000 Whatever the fuck he's doing.

01:32:08.000 Look at that.

01:32:10.000 That photo.

01:32:11.000 I mean, he might be 36. Yeah.

01:32:13.000 He does not look like he's almost 60. He looks amazing.

01:32:16.000 Look at Tracy.

01:32:17.000 Look at those gold chains.

01:32:18.000 Those are preposterous.

01:32:19.000 Zoom in on those gold chains again.

01:32:21.000 What in the fuck, Tracy?

01:32:24.000 That's all about Walmart money.

01:32:25.000 We were at the cellar and Tracy brought jelly beans.

01:32:31.000 And he was like, yeah, talking about the jelly beans, like, we don't have access to them with our money.

01:32:39.000 You know?

01:32:40.000 Like, he'd be like, I can't do any impressions, so this is going to be the worst Tracy Morgan you've ever heard of.

01:32:45.000 He's like, I got jelly beans.

01:32:47.000 Who else you know is going to bring jelly beans?

01:32:49.000 LAUGHTER And then he's like, eat them!

01:32:52.000 Eat the jelly beans!

01:32:53.000 He makes all of us eat jelly beans, and then he goes, not the green ones.

01:32:56.000 Not the green ones.

01:32:57.000 Now, what are those emblems?

01:32:59.000 One of them is Jesus.

01:33:00.000 One of them is Jesus.

01:33:01.000 That's a TM on that.

01:33:02.000 Okay, Tracy Morgan, a big TM, a plate.

01:33:05.000 And then the other one.

01:33:05.000 By the way, I can't tell.

01:33:07.000 Yeah, what is that one in the back?

01:33:08.000 Hard to tell.

01:33:09.000 I'll find another picture.

01:33:09.000 Bro, that fucking thing has got to be heavy.

01:33:13.000 That must hurt your neck.

01:33:14.000 Yeah.

01:33:15.000 That's like a bike chain.

01:33:17.000 Scroll down there with Eddie Murphy with that beautiful young lady.

01:33:21.000 Scroll down.

01:33:22.000 Scroll down.

01:33:22.000 Look at that.

01:33:24.000 Yeah.

01:33:24.000 Is that his girlfriend?

01:33:25.000 I think it's his wife.

01:33:27.000 Partner.

01:33:27.000 Partner, whatever.

01:33:28.000 Oh.

01:33:28.000 But he's divorced, right?

01:33:30.000 Isn't he?

01:33:30.000 Yeah.

01:33:31.000 Look at that.

01:33:32.000 I think she just had a baby recently.

01:33:33.000 Kapow!

01:33:34.000 Still fertile.

01:33:35.000 85 years old.

01:33:37.000 Ooh, she looks hot.

01:33:39.000 She looks very actressy hot.

01:33:41.000 Slim waist.

01:33:42.000 Nice booty.

01:33:43.000 Congratulations, Eddie.

01:33:44.000 But look at him.

01:33:45.000 He's fucking almost 60 years old.

01:33:46.000 Looks amazing.

01:33:47.000 Look at him.

01:33:49.000 This is amazing.

01:33:50.000 Yeah.

01:33:51.000 Whatever he's doing, health-wise, incredible.

01:33:54.000 This is what I want of all people in Hollywood who look like that.

01:33:58.000 I'm like, just tell us.

01:33:59.000 What are you doing?

01:33:59.000 Tell us what you're doing.

01:34:01.000 I know we probably can't afford it.

01:34:02.000 Well, I probably can't afford it.

01:34:04.000 But tell us what you're doing so we at least have an idea that there's some crazy shit behind it.

01:34:09.000 Look at that fucking picture.

01:34:10.000 Look at that picture right there.

01:34:12.000 Like, is your water from a different place?

01:34:14.000 What kind of vitamins?

01:34:16.000 This is him for dolomite, right?

01:34:18.000 I believe so, yeah.

01:34:19.000 He's doing press.

01:34:20.000 Almost 60 years old.

01:34:21.000 He looks like he's 15 years younger than me, at least.

01:34:25.000 I'm looking side by side on the screen now, not bad.

01:34:28.000 Trust me, bro.

01:34:31.000 I'm pretty healthy, but I party a little too hard.

01:34:33.000 Like, he's got like a little wrinkle right here.

01:34:37.000 Like a little crease in his face.

01:34:39.000 He's a little character.

01:34:40.000 Slightly.

01:34:41.000 Makes him look a little bit better.

01:34:44.000 He only has one earring.

01:34:47.000 Sign of the times.

01:34:48.000 One diamond earring.

01:34:51.000 He's like, I'm not gay.

01:34:53.000 I'm not going to have two earrings.

01:34:55.000 That's a big fucking earring too, boy.

01:34:58.000 Look at the size of that earring.

01:35:00.000 That's like a fucking quarter million dollar earring.

01:35:03.000 It's a good diamond.

01:35:04.000 It's a big diamond.

01:35:05.000 Big ass rock for your ear.

01:35:07.000 He's done well.

01:35:08.000 He's done well.

01:35:08.000 I don't know if you've heard about it.

01:35:09.000 Yeah!

01:35:12.000 And, you know, he did a thing a few years ago, right when Cosby was starting to get into trouble, when, I don't know if you saw it, but he did, like, this thing where he was at a panel, and he was receiving some award, and he started doing a little stand-up, and talking about them taking away Bill Cosby's awards,

01:35:29.000 and Bill Cosby's, his...

01:35:33.000 What is it?

01:35:34.000 Was it his diploma?

01:35:36.000 His Mark Twain award.

01:35:37.000 His Mark Twain award.

01:35:38.000 Yeah.

01:35:40.000 First live set in 28 years.

01:35:41.000 And I'm telling you, he was so sharp.

01:35:44.000 Did you see it?

01:35:44.000 No, I watched it back then.

01:35:46.000 I can't really remember what he said.

01:35:47.000 It was really good.

01:35:48.000 But I remember watching it back then.

01:35:49.000 And I remember being like...

01:35:51.000 This guy, two weeks on stage, he'd be fine.

01:35:54.000 Yeah!

01:35:55.000 He's sharp.

01:35:56.000 If he had material, he's fucking sharp.

01:35:59.000 Sharp as a tack.

01:36:00.000 I mean, how great.

01:36:02.000 Did you know his brother?

01:36:02.000 Did you know Charlie at all?

01:36:03.000 I didn't.

01:36:04.000 I mean, huge fan of his as well.

01:36:07.000 He was the nicest guy.

01:36:08.000 I loved that guy.

01:36:09.000 That was a bummer.

01:36:11.000 That was a huge bummer.

01:36:12.000 Charlie and I did a tour together in like 2007. We did like 22 cities.

01:36:18.000 We traveled together for the whole month, like the whole month together.

01:36:20.000 He's the best.

01:36:21.000 He was so nice.

01:36:23.000 He's so cool.

01:36:24.000 Just a fucking great guy.

01:36:26.000 Yeah, I was a big fan of his too.

01:36:28.000 And a guy that was basically a famous person first and then started doing stand-up, which is the hardest way to do it.

01:36:36.000 It's definitely the hardest way.

01:36:37.000 For sure.

01:36:38.000 No one wants to believe you.

01:36:39.000 No!

01:36:40.000 You're on stage and people are like, you're famous.

01:36:43.000 Let's see your A-plus act that I paid money to see, and you're basically an open-miker.

01:36:49.000 Yeah.

01:36:50.000 And people are paying to see you.

01:36:52.000 Yeah.

01:36:53.000 So he started out, he would host.

01:36:55.000 That is a very smart way to do it.

01:36:57.000 He's a smart dude.

01:36:58.000 He would host and then he would slowly work up enough material that he could do a set.

01:37:04.000 And he was an older guy, too.

01:37:07.000 When that happened, he was deep into his 40s when things really started clicking for him.

01:37:11.000 That's awesome.

01:37:12.000 Imagine being an open-miker and famous and in your 40s.

01:37:16.000 No.

01:37:17.000 Fuck.

01:37:18.000 Fuck.

01:37:19.000 At least then, though, you have life experiences to pull from.

01:37:22.000 Yeah.

01:37:23.000 You hear a lot of these people when they're like, you know, some people start in their teens and they turn out to be, you know, the best in the world, Dave Chappelle.

01:37:29.000 Yeah.

01:37:30.000 But other people start in their teens and I'm like, have some life first.

01:37:33.000 What are you telling jokes about?

01:37:35.000 Right.

01:37:36.000 You know, like, I mean, like, I had, like, I had a whole career before I got into stand-up.

01:37:41.000 How old were you even starting?

01:37:42.000 I started in 2011, so I was 26, 25, 26. What was your, you were saying your career, you were talking about?

01:37:52.000 So I was, I started in finance.

01:37:54.000 I used to work on Wall Street.

01:37:55.000 I got a job at Bear Stearns.

01:37:57.000 So that's the Wolf of Wall Street.

01:37:59.000 Yeah, that's where Joe, still trying to make it happen.

01:38:04.000 But I started at Bear Stearns in the summer of 2007, and then it collapsed in March of 2008. And then I stayed with J.P. Morgan for a couple years after that.

01:38:16.000 But I wore a suit every day.

01:38:18.000 I worked with mutual funds and separately managed accounts.

01:38:23.000 When were you thinking about stand-up?

01:38:27.000 Were you thinking about it in the beginning?

01:38:29.000 Well, so in March of 2008, a bunch of friends of mine, this is like before Bear collapsed, a bunch of friends of mine went to see a taping of SNL. And I've always been such a huge fan that afterwards I was like, how do these people do this?

01:38:43.000 Like, how do you get here?

01:38:45.000 And I Googled them and they all started in improv.

01:38:47.000 So I started doing improv and I did that for a couple of years.

01:38:50.000 And then even at my first improv class, I was like...

01:38:55.000 Whatever.

01:38:55.000 I just want more of this.

01:38:57.000 And then I eventually got into stand-up after that around 2011. But it was one of those things where I was very much like a very type A, get good grades, try to get the best grade in the class type of person.

01:39:10.000 And I didn't really develop opinions or a point of view.

01:39:14.000 And so when I started doing improv, I was like...

01:39:19.000 You make choices, and then the more I got into stand-up, I was like, yeah, how do I feel about these things?

01:39:26.000 What do I think about them?

01:39:28.000 And really, just like, I don't know.

01:39:31.000 That's really when I feel like I started becoming a person.

01:39:34.000 Wow.

01:39:35.000 I don't really think I had a personality before that.

01:39:38.000 I wonder if I would have been as curious if I wasn't a stand-up.

01:39:44.000 How much of my curiosity is because I started getting curious about things because I wanted to be able to talk about different things?

01:39:51.000 Yeah.

01:39:52.000 I'm definitely much more observational in the world than I used to be.

01:39:57.000 But I might be a little darker, too.

01:40:01.000 I remember thinking when I was a kid, I thought about what my wedding would look like as a little girl.

01:40:07.000 And now the idea of having a wedding seems ridiculous.

01:40:12.000 The idea of me in a big dress walking down an aisle.

01:40:16.000 There's none of that I could take seriously.

01:40:19.000 But if you were going to get married, how would you do it?

01:40:21.000 I would just go to City Hall.

01:40:22.000 Really?

01:40:23.000 Yeah.

01:40:24.000 Wow.

01:40:24.000 And then have a party or something?

01:40:26.000 Maybe.

01:40:26.000 Later.

01:40:27.000 I don't know.

01:40:29.000 It seems weird to have a party right after because you're like, let's see if this is going to stay.

01:40:37.000 Well, you're going to have a legal contract with someone, especially you now, because you don't want that Roseanne Barr Tom Arnold type deal.

01:40:45.000 You don't want to pay some dude off.

01:40:46.000 Yeah, no.

01:40:47.000 Like, imagine.

01:40:47.000 Yeah, I can't.

01:40:48.000 Things start popping for you.

01:40:49.000 You got some guy who kind of, like, comes with you on the road, becomes your tour manager.

01:40:53.000 No way.

01:40:54.000 Yeah.

01:40:54.000 Well, that's the thing.

01:40:55.000 That would never happen to me, though, because one of the things I find most attractive is a guy being really good at something.

01:41:01.000 Oh.

01:41:01.000 And he's really good at being your tour manager.

01:41:03.000 Yeah, I mean, just the best tour manager.

01:41:06.000 The best.

01:41:08.000 Always has the best hotel rooms waiting for you.

01:41:10.000 Yeah, it's like, every time I go in, it's set up the exact way I want it.

01:41:15.000 Any room stocked with green jelly beans.

01:41:16.000 Yeah.

01:41:18.000 Fuck you, Tracy.

01:41:19.000 Yeah.

01:41:22.000 I think, well, that's the case with most women.

01:41:24.000 Most women, I think, like guys that are good at stuff.

01:41:27.000 Yeah.

01:41:28.000 It's rare that you see like a...

01:41:30.000 Yeah, I mean we want...

01:41:32.000 I don't know.

01:41:33.000 Provider.

01:41:34.000 Someone who's...

01:41:34.000 Well, you want successful genes.

01:41:36.000 Yeah.

01:41:36.000 And that's really what it boils down to.

01:41:38.000 Men want attractive genes.

01:41:40.000 Women want successful genes.

01:41:42.000 Or they want...

01:41:42.000 Well, they also want attractive genes too.

01:41:43.000 They want...

01:41:45.000 Dominant genes, like a big man, big tall man, good features, good symmetry.

01:41:50.000 All those things are genetic.

01:41:51.000 It's normal.

01:41:52.000 Yeah, I've been working on this new joke about how women, we're attracted to the exact thing that's the most dangerous to us.

01:41:58.000 We like those men, so we make more dangerous men.

01:42:04.000 We could decide to just only mate with short, soft-boned men and make a whole generation of killable men.

01:42:14.000 And women would be like, yeah, we're the ones in power, but it's never going to happen.

01:42:18.000 Yeah, but that would have to be a real conscious decision that's against evolutionary biology.

01:42:22.000 It would have to be like, women have to be like, first of all, we'd have to get women to agree on something, which isn't going to happen.

01:42:29.000 But then also, yeah, you'd have to be like, no, this is the law.

01:42:33.000 Like a reverse handmaids thing or something.

01:42:36.000 Ooh, reverse handmaids.

01:42:38.000 Yeah, like we're going to outbreed all the Goliaths and all the gorillas, all the savages and barbarians.

01:42:46.000 We're going to cut them off.

01:42:47.000 Every once in a while, like a baby's born, it's like at the height and weight is too high, and they're like, we've got to get rid of this one.

01:42:54.000 Flush them.

01:42:54.000 Yeah.

01:42:55.000 Hold them down.

01:42:56.000 Hold them in the tub.

01:42:58.000 Yeah.

01:42:59.000 Oh, that's not wise, because China's not going to do that.

01:43:01.000 China's not going to do that.

01:43:02.000 They're going to use CRISPR and develop Hulk babies.

01:43:04.000 We're going to need the mite.

01:43:07.000 We're going to need the muscle.

01:43:09.000 Whew.

01:43:10.000 Dum-dum-dum.

01:43:11.000 Are you worried at all about something like that?

01:43:13.000 Are you worried about a war?

01:43:15.000 With China?

01:43:16.000 Do you ever think about that?

01:43:16.000 Do you ever think, like, Russia, China?

01:43:18.000 Like, I've been hearing this term, hot war.

01:43:21.000 You know, like, we're involved in a cold war with Russia, and we were involved in a cold war with Russia.

01:43:27.000 What do they define hot war?

01:43:29.000 Bullets.

01:43:30.000 Oh.

01:43:30.000 Yeah, I mean, I don't know if I can imagine us getting into a war like that again, but I do worry about, like...

01:43:40.000 Like hacking, like more of like a, what's it called?

01:43:43.000 Cyber war.

01:43:44.000 Yeah, cyber war.

01:43:45.000 I think that's much more likely.

01:43:47.000 It is much more likely, but god damn, if there was some sort of like a real attack from China or from Russia, it would be more China than Russia.

01:43:57.000 From what I understand, Russia does not really have the money.

01:44:01.000 They have a military, but they don't have the kind of military that we have.

01:44:06.000 It's a pretty big drop-off from the United States to what Russia has.

01:44:10.000 But they're scary enough and dangerous enough.

01:44:13.000 That we have to keep an eye on them.

01:44:15.000 I feel like ever since nuclear weapons came about, people are like, yeah, let's not do those kinds of wars anymore.

01:44:23.000 Yeah, we still do them in Iraq.

01:44:23.000 We still did it in Afghanistan.

01:44:25.000 We'll still go in, if there's air quotes, insurgents.

01:44:29.000 Right.

01:44:29.000 Yeah.

01:44:30.000 And, you know, we need the oil.

01:44:32.000 Yeah, a little bit of oil.

01:44:34.000 Our oil is getting a little low.

01:44:37.000 I think often, what if there was a war and they had to put the draft back in?

01:44:45.000 Then I'd think about all my guy friends and I'd be like, well, first of all, I don't want them to fight because I like them.

01:44:53.000 Can you imagine Mark Normand as a soldier?

01:44:58.000 He's a pretty fit guy.

01:44:59.000 He's very fit, but I can't imagine him...

01:45:03.000 Killing people.

01:45:04.000 You know, like I can't imagine him on a battlefield.

01:45:08.000 He'd probably make snarky jokes.

01:45:10.000 I can imagine Ari could kill people.

01:45:12.000 I can imagine Ari killing people.

01:45:13.000 I can imagine Ari giving the other soldiers some sort of pill.

01:45:20.000 Yeah, for sure.

01:45:22.000 He would definitely dose their water supply.

01:45:23.000 Guys, I know how to stop this.

01:45:26.000 Find the reservoir and dump a bucket of acid into it.

01:45:28.000 This is just going to make whatever happens today a lot of fun.

01:45:31.000 Who out of your friends do you think would be a good soldier?

01:45:36.000 Um...

01:45:38.000 Well, I think Dan Soder would be a good soldier.

01:45:40.000 He's a big fella.

01:45:41.000 He's a big guy, and he's also just like...

01:45:43.000 He's a football player.

01:45:44.000 He was a football player.

01:45:45.000 I mean, he's a teddy bear, but he's also, I think, for the right reasons, he'd be like, I would kill them.

01:45:51.000 But it would have to feel personal to him.

01:45:54.000 Personal.

01:45:54.000 Yeah.

01:45:54.000 Yeah, like the commies.

01:45:57.000 I don't think...

01:46:00.000 It's more fun to think about the people I don't think could do it.

01:46:03.000 There's no way Keith Robinson, even before his stroke, was getting into a war.

01:46:09.000 That's fucked up.

01:46:11.000 But after the stroke, maybe he's got less to lose.

01:46:14.000 No, he's even now.

01:46:15.000 Now he'd be like, I'm out!

01:46:17.000 I got a stroke!

01:46:18.000 Look at me!

01:46:18.000 I can't fight!

01:46:20.000 Has he had any recovery of his motor skills?

01:46:23.000 It's still pretty much not super usable, but he gets up on stage every night.

01:46:31.000 Jokes are probably funnier than ever.

01:46:33.000 His stroke material is really, really good.

01:46:36.000 Really?

01:46:37.000 Yeah.

01:46:37.000 Wow.

01:46:38.000 That's awesome.

01:46:39.000 Yeah.

01:46:39.000 And he's one of my favorite people to sit at the table with.

01:46:43.000 Yeah.

01:46:43.000 Because you sit down, you're immediately making fun of each other.

01:46:46.000 Right, right.

01:46:46.000 You know, you're making fun of everyone else.

01:46:48.000 Like, it's just jokes the whole night.

01:46:50.000 People don't understand why that's so fun for us.

01:46:52.000 It's...

01:46:53.000 To shit on each other.

01:46:54.000 It's great.

01:46:54.000 It's so much fun.

01:46:56.000 It's one of my favorite things to do.

01:46:58.000 It's one of my favorite things, too, about comics is shitting on each other.

01:47:00.000 It's fun.

01:47:01.000 And also, it's good for you.

01:47:02.000 It really is.

01:47:03.000 It's healthy to get shit on so you laugh and know that you can laugh at yourself.

01:47:08.000 People who can't laugh at someone shitting on them, they're the worst.

01:47:11.000 The worst.

01:47:12.000 It's the worst.

01:47:12.000 Yeah, it's just like, we're just having fun.

01:47:14.000 It's also like, it allows us to say the stuff that like, because comics will say pretty much anything on stage, but there is a line where we're like, no, this is for only other comics.

01:47:22.000 Yeah.

01:47:24.000 Like, this is...

01:47:25.000 We gotta...

01:47:26.000 Yes.

01:47:27.000 There's often times we'll be in a discussion and we'll kind of look around and be like...

01:47:30.000 If that guy heard any of that stuff we were talking about having sex with midgets, I don't think any of us are going to have a career anymore.

01:47:38.000 Yeah, if someone put, like, a hidden camera and a hidden microphone in the back bar of the comedy store, oh, Jesus Christ.

01:47:44.000 No.

01:47:44.000 Yeah.

01:47:45.000 I mean, really, really in trouble.

01:47:47.000 When you're trying to shock other comics, you know, shock road-hardened veterans...

01:47:54.000 Well, because our problem is that, like, we want to say the funniest thing.

01:47:57.000 Yeah.

01:47:57.000 And normally that's way past the line.

01:48:00.000 Right.

01:48:00.000 Even past our line, where you're just like, no, this isn't.

01:48:04.000 I have this Sober October group text that I'm in with Ari Shafir, Bert Kreischer, and Tom Segura, and it's fucking ridiculous.

01:48:10.000 Yeah.

01:48:11.000 Sometimes it's so ruthless and so ridiculous, I just go, oh, fuck.

01:48:16.000 I'm in a few of those texts.

01:48:18.000 Yeah, me too.

01:48:19.000 Group texts with other comics are the best.

01:48:21.000 It's so great.

01:48:22.000 I also have a group text that's with a couple of my female friends and like that one, I'll look away from my phone and then I'll look back a minute or two later and there'd be like 96. And I'm just like, what happened?

01:48:35.000 And there's three different conversations going on.

01:48:38.000 Simultaneously.

01:48:39.000 Yeah, I can't do that.

01:48:40.000 I don't understand that.

01:48:42.000 It's really like, being friends with women is a lot of work.

01:48:48.000 Do you prefer being friends with men?

01:48:50.000 I... I love being friends with men.

01:48:53.000 I also love being friends with women because there's stuff that you can talk to them about that just like, either you can say it to men, but they're not going to have the in-depth discussion about it that you want it to happen.

01:49:04.000 You know, like women will just indulge each other and be like, but how did he say it?

01:49:12.000 Like, oh, he put a period?

01:49:14.000 Like, was there a period after the text?

01:49:16.000 And he's like, yeah, there was a period.

01:49:17.000 Well then, yeah, I don't think that's good.

01:49:19.000 Yeah, if he just left it open.

01:49:21.000 Maybe it's casual.

01:49:23.000 Yeah.

01:49:23.000 You know what, how many times have you had a conversation when someone just writes something like, sure.

01:49:29.000 Yes.

01:49:29.000 Like, what does that mean?

01:49:30.000 What does sure mean?

01:49:31.000 I do it accidentally sometimes.

01:49:33.000 I'll be like, yeah, sure.

01:49:34.000 I won't say sure.

01:49:35.000 Yeah, I'll just say sure.

01:49:36.000 Do you want to go there?

01:49:37.000 Sure.

01:49:38.000 Okay, she's mad.

01:49:39.000 Yeah.

01:49:39.000 She's mad.

01:49:40.000 Sure?

01:49:41.000 What does sure mean?

01:49:41.000 Sure sounds like a fight is about to happen.

01:49:44.000 Yeah.

01:49:44.000 Sure.

01:49:45.000 Sure.

01:49:46.000 You always decide.

01:49:48.000 You always...

01:49:49.000 Another, like, more aggressive would be fine.

01:49:51.000 Fine.

01:49:52.000 Yeah.

01:49:52.000 Do you want to go there?

01:49:53.000 Fine.

01:49:54.000 Oh, fine.

01:49:55.000 Yeah.

01:49:56.000 Fucks up.

01:49:56.000 I'm in trouble.

01:49:57.000 Fine's not good.

01:49:58.000 I'm in a lot of trouble.

01:49:58.000 Fine's not good.

01:49:59.000 You go to pick her up.

01:50:00.000 She's not smiling.

01:50:01.000 Like, what are we doing?

01:50:02.000 Should we do this?

01:50:03.000 Should we stay home?

01:50:05.000 Fine.

01:50:05.000 If you want to fight, let's just do it now and not wait till we get to the restaurant.

01:50:09.000 What is fine?

01:50:10.000 What the fuck does that mean?

01:50:11.000 I also think it's good for men when women have a lot of female friends because...

01:50:16.000 Good for the other person you're dating or married to.

01:50:19.000 You should want your girlfriend to have a couple female friends so that she can have the conversations.

01:50:25.000 Oh, yeah.

01:50:26.000 The more I think about relationships, the more I'm like...

01:50:29.000 No, men and women, like, a husband and wife shouldn't be having all of those discussions.

01:50:36.000 Like, he doesn't want to hear it.

01:50:37.000 He doesn't want to hear it.

01:50:39.000 Have it with your girlfriends, and then just talk to him about whatever else.

01:50:44.000 Yes, I couldn't agree more.

01:50:46.000 It's an unrealistic expectation.

01:50:49.000 I go on double dates with my wife and her and her friend and me and it winds up being two different conversations.

01:50:53.000 I get stuck with the husband and she's talking to her friend like, oh my god, so cute.

01:50:57.000 Oh my god, did he say that?

01:50:59.000 Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god.

01:51:00.000 And I just have these rambling girl conversations.

01:51:03.000 I go, hey, hey, hey, let's have one conversation.

01:51:06.000 We can't do this two conversation things.

01:51:08.000 Yeah, and it's so nice to have the girls just to be like...

01:51:13.000 Yeah, I get to indulge the girl side of myself.

01:51:17.000 Right, but that's a thing.

01:51:18.000 That's a real thing.

01:51:20.000 It's a real thing.

01:51:20.000 Yeah.

01:51:21.000 Yeah.

01:51:21.000 But some people want to pretend that men and women are the same thing.

01:51:26.000 I think that's such a detriment to both men and women.

01:51:29.000 Like, saying that women are the same as men, it's like, well, we're not, but also, why do we want to be?

01:51:35.000 Right.

01:51:35.000 Why is that happening?

01:51:36.000 Why is that even the standard?

01:51:38.000 Right.

01:51:38.000 Like, just let women be what we are.

01:51:41.000 Yes.

01:51:41.000 Right.

01:51:41.000 And men can be what they are.

01:51:43.000 And then there's some people that do float in the middle, but like...

01:51:46.000 Well, I think it all gets conflated with equal rights.

01:51:49.000 Like equality, equal rights, equal laws, equal willingness to try different jobs, those kinds of things.

01:51:57.000 Yeah.

01:51:57.000 And then we decide that men and women are not any different and that these are all cultural creations and these are things that are concocted by society.

01:52:07.000 Yeah.

01:52:08.000 Right.

01:52:08.000 And I think, I mean, I think it's kind of, it's bad for women when we say, well, we're just the same as men, because it's like, you're saying with that sentence that men are correct.

01:52:21.000 And when you finally start to think of us as men, as the same as men, now we're correct too.

01:52:29.000 What I like to say is that men and women aren't math.

01:52:32.000 Exactly.

01:52:32.000 We're not equal.

01:52:33.000 We're different things.

01:52:34.000 Yeah.

01:52:35.000 It's not an equality thing.

01:52:37.000 You make all the people.

01:52:38.000 Like, we'll never be equal to you.

01:52:40.000 You make every fucking human that's ever made is made in a woman's body.

01:52:44.000 Exactly.

01:52:44.000 This whole thing, though, is weird to me because I'm like, where did this come from?

01:52:48.000 This didn't exist before.

01:52:49.000 The equal rights thing existed before.

01:52:51.000 Yeah.

01:52:52.000 But it's some sort of a cultural creation that women are different than men.

01:52:58.000 That this is something that society has sort of imposed on women.

01:53:03.000 Like, no, women like different things.

01:53:05.000 Yeah.

01:53:06.000 And, like, we just sometimes just like to be around each other, which men, I think, sometimes just like to be around each other, too.

01:53:14.000 For sure.

01:53:15.000 You know, like, it's like, I can hang out with the boys, no problem.

01:53:18.000 I grew up with older brothers, you know, like, all I ever did was hang out with boys.

01:53:22.000 But now, like, I also see so much value in just getting to be with girls.

01:53:28.000 Yeah, you should.

01:53:30.000 I mean, and men do with men.

01:53:32.000 There's a lot of stuff that men like that women don't, a lot of women, don't have interest in.

01:53:36.000 Yeah.

01:53:37.000 Yeah.

01:53:37.000 That's okay.

01:53:38.000 It's fine.

01:53:39.000 But this idea, like, that's toxic.

01:53:41.000 Like, toxic masculinity.

01:53:43.000 Like, all this nonsense that we hear today.

01:53:45.000 It's all exactly what we were talking about before, where people trying to control people and define people.

01:53:49.000 Yeah.

01:53:49.000 And it's the same thing.

01:53:51.000 I think that's one of the reasons you see it a lot, especially online, from white women.

01:53:55.000 Because we want to have power.

01:53:58.000 You know, like we want to be able to, and I mean, us being able to tell other people what they can and cannot do or say is us just being like, yep, that's our power now.

01:54:11.000 We might never be better than white men, you know, but we can at least control what you get to say about us.

01:54:18.000 And I think as soon as white women are like, yeah, we do like to have control, then we'll be like, thank you.

01:54:25.000 Let's dismantle all of this.

01:54:28.000 It's the same kind of toxic masculinity.

01:54:31.000 It's all toxic.

01:54:33.000 How dare you tell black people how to feel about what jokes we can and cannot say about black people?

01:54:40.000 Did you ask any of them?

01:54:43.000 I'm sure you see it at stand-up shows where there's white women with their arms crossed and then when you start talking about race and then black people who are laughing and you're like...

01:54:54.000 They're like, you shouldn't be able to tell jokes about black people like that.

01:54:56.000 It's like, did you look?

01:54:58.000 Well, I think a lot of it, too, is people working in offices all day where they're constantly suppressed.

01:55:03.000 The way you communicate in an office is so vastly different than the way a comic communicates on stage in front of a nightclub.

01:55:09.000 It's so different that most people, the vast majority of their day, is under the spell of human resources.

01:55:16.000 Right.

01:55:17.000 They have this imposed standard of communication that's not how they want to talk.

01:55:22.000 It's not how they want to behave and think.

01:55:24.000 And also, men and women working together is strange.

01:55:28.000 It's strange.

01:55:29.000 And anybody who says it's not strange has never worked with women and men together.

01:55:33.000 Right.

01:55:33.000 Because people get attracted to each other.

01:55:35.000 People get petty.

01:55:36.000 People get jealous.

01:55:38.000 People get flirty.

01:55:39.000 People get mean.

01:55:40.000 People get controlling.

01:55:41.000 They play social games with each other.

01:55:43.000 Yeah, and I mean, it's one of those things where it's like, you can't even broach the subject now because people are like, it's not an issue.

01:55:49.000 And I'm like, no, there are so many issues.

01:55:52.000 It's fraught with issues.

01:55:54.000 Like, let's talk about it.

01:55:56.000 Like, okay, yeah, there's a lot of sexual harassment that happens in offices, but there's also a lot of legitimate relationships that happen in offices.

01:56:02.000 Like, there's flirting, there's one night stands, there's, you know, like...

01:56:07.000 All of this is happening.

01:56:08.000 People get married and have kids.

01:56:10.000 People fuck for a while and then they might hate each other, but they still gotta figure out how to work together.

01:56:15.000 That happens all the time.

01:56:17.000 All the time.

01:56:17.000 The hilarious thing is when that happens and there's a boss and someone who's below them.

01:56:22.000 Yeah.

01:56:22.000 They'll say, oh, he abused his power.

01:56:25.000 And again, I look at it from my perspective where I'm like, I'm attracted to men who are good and powerful.

01:56:32.000 So, if I were going to have...

01:56:34.000 I worked in an office, and my boss was really good looking, and I was attracted to him, and there was a chemistry, and we started sleeping together.

01:56:44.000 Woo!

01:56:44.000 Like, that's what I wanted.

01:56:47.000 And then, you know, like, yeah, this is like...

01:56:50.000 You're going to get canceled just for saying that.

01:56:51.000 A hundred percent.

01:56:52.000 You can't say that.

01:56:53.000 You can't say that you want to be with someone powerful, and someone who holds something over you.

01:56:58.000 Yeah, I do see...

01:56:59.000 You should fuck the janitor.

01:57:00.000 Be a good person.

01:57:01.000 Yeah, I mean, if he's really hot, you know, I might get a shot, too.

01:57:03.000 Well, he needs a green card anyway.

01:57:04.000 Oh, well.

01:57:04.000 You can hook him up.

01:57:06.000 We need to get married now.

01:57:07.000 That was the whole thing.

01:57:08.000 Yes, but take it seriously.

01:57:10.000 It's important for his culture.

01:57:12.000 Don't be an asshole about it.

01:57:14.000 I'm his way in.

01:57:16.000 There you go.

01:57:17.000 I do see it now, and this is a weird thing, but super feminist women, I do see a lot of them kind of dating jawless, kind of pushover guys.

01:57:29.000 Yeah.

01:57:30.000 And I'm like...

01:57:33.000 Oh, maybe they're the women I'm talking about.

01:57:36.000 They're like, no, I found these soft-boned men.

01:57:41.000 Jawless is a fun way to describe it.

01:57:43.000 They're so jawless.

01:57:44.000 Jawless.

01:57:46.000 Jawless men.

01:57:47.000 Fuck, that's such a bummer.

01:57:49.000 Really bad genes like that.

01:57:51.000 Like, ooh, there's not a goddamn thing they can do about that.

01:57:53.000 No, I don't think you can get a new jaw.

01:57:56.000 They give you a jaw surgery.

01:57:58.000 They can try to grow your jaw out.

01:58:00.000 They cut your jaw and break it.

01:58:06.000 I know a lady who got a chin implant.

01:58:16.000 I think they might have done something to her actual jaw itself, too.

01:58:19.000 But it was one of those very unfortunate chins.

01:58:23.000 And then she what?

01:58:24.000 Couldn't eat for like...

01:58:25.000 I don't know.

01:58:26.000 They put a piece of plastic or something where her chin...

01:58:29.000 It used to go in too far, and then it came out a little bit.

01:58:32.000 Did she have syphilis?

01:58:33.000 I don't know.

01:58:34.000 I didn't ask.

01:58:35.000 I didn't know her that well.

01:58:36.000 She told me she had a chin implant.

01:58:37.000 I was like, what?

01:58:39.000 She had a what?

01:58:40.000 Your jaw?

01:58:41.000 She didn't like the shape of her jaw, so she got her jaw reworked.

01:58:44.000 Well, some of these guys should look into that.

01:58:47.000 I don't think there's much you can do if you have a tiny little jaw.

01:58:51.000 Fuck.

01:58:52.000 That's a bummer.

01:58:54.000 But yeah, working with men and women working together is like, there's a way to figure it out.

01:58:58.000 But it's fraught with complications.

01:59:01.000 It is.

01:59:01.000 And the real issue is people holding things over you in order to get you to sleep with them.

01:59:06.000 It's not you being someone who works with someone who's legitimately attracted to this guy and then you get together.

01:59:12.000 It's still, if I was running a company, I'd say, hey, don't fuck each other, you assholes.

01:59:16.000 I'm trying to make money.

01:59:17.000 Right, yeah.

01:59:18.000 I want productivity.

01:59:20.000 I don't want, yeah, like, I don't want to...

01:59:22.000 And I can't condone it legally, right?

01:59:25.000 Because if I say, yeah, what are you, banging your secretary?

01:59:28.000 All right, fuck yeah.

01:59:30.000 Take a picture.

01:59:32.000 What am I going to say?

01:59:33.000 You would have to say that it's in the rules and regulations, you would have to say.

01:59:38.000 But there's no way you can tell me that it's not possible for a man and a woman who are working together and the guy's the boss and the woman works under him and they fall in love and they have an amazing relationship.

01:59:48.000 It happens all the time.

01:59:49.000 It does.

01:59:50.000 Bill and Melinda Gates.

01:59:52.000 She worked at Microsoft.

01:59:54.000 That piece of shit.

01:59:55.000 Bill is a piece of shit.

01:59:56.000 I mean...

01:59:57.000 He's a power-hungry piece of shit who abused his power.

02:00:00.000 And you can see it when you look at it.

02:00:01.000 It's basically rape.

02:00:02.000 It's basically rape.

02:00:03.000 He had power over her.

02:00:05.000 Basically.

02:00:06.000 She's actually been a prisoner.

02:00:08.000 Oh my god, I can't believe this.

02:00:09.000 We gotta give her half of that hundred billion dollars that he has and get her out of that ivory tower.

02:00:16.000 Of course this happens!

02:00:17.000 Yeah, of course it happens.

02:00:19.000 The real issue is someone sexually harassing you.

02:00:23.000 Like some guy was holding a promotion Over your head saying that he wants you to sleep with him or making lewd comments that make you feel disgusted.

02:00:31.000 Right.

02:00:31.000 Or you show up to work and you're not interested in that person at all.

02:00:34.000 You just want to do your job and they're making comments about your breasts or your legs or your mouth or...

02:00:39.000 Fuck.

02:00:39.000 Oh, the mouth comments are the worst.

02:00:41.000 They're somehow creepier than like the breast or the butt.

02:00:44.000 It's just like your mouth.

02:00:45.000 Oh, stop it.

02:00:47.000 Just picture him with his just fly down, pants still on.

02:00:50.000 Oh, God.

02:00:54.000 Oh, look at that little mouth.

02:00:57.000 Stop talking about my mouth!

02:00:59.000 The problem is there's no equivalent with men.

02:01:02.000 There's no one thing that a woman could say to a man that makes him feel like a piece of meat like that, like humiliated.

02:01:09.000 It's so hard to sexually harass men because they're into so much of it.

02:01:14.000 Yeah, we'd like it.

02:01:14.000 Yeah.

02:01:15.000 Especially if we're attracted to you, you're sexually harassing.

02:01:18.000 Like if your boss is like, you want this job?

02:01:21.000 You gotta eat my pussy.

02:01:22.000 Be like, how are you?

02:01:26.000 How much am I getting?

02:01:30.000 How much of a raise are we talking about here?

02:01:32.000 Can I also get a couple of vacation days?

02:01:34.000 How many days do I get and how many can I get?

02:01:37.000 Does it depend on the performance?

02:01:39.000 Right, right, right.

02:01:40.000 What if I really know what I'm doing?

02:01:45.000 She's like, well, let me see.

02:01:47.000 I don't know.

02:01:48.000 I'll give you a performance review.

02:01:49.000 I know you're married, and I have a wife as well, so let's just keep this in the salon.

02:01:54.000 I'll just fuck the shit out of your work.

02:01:55.000 We're good?

02:01:56.000 We're good?

02:01:56.000 I'll make an extra 40, 50 grand a year.

02:01:59.000 By the way, we are going to need to get something to lock that door.

02:02:03.000 And you win the Matt Lauer buttons.

02:02:04.000 Click.

02:02:05.000 Yeah.

02:02:05.000 But the thing is, even if a male boss, even if he got everything in writing beforehand, saying this is consensual.

02:02:14.000 Yes.

02:02:14.000 I think you could easily say afterwards, it wasn't.

02:02:18.000 I felt coerced into signing that.

02:02:20.000 Well, that's what's exactly happening with Matt Lauer.

02:02:22.000 Yeah.

02:02:22.000 That's exactly what happened.

02:02:23.000 Is it?

02:02:23.000 Yeah, exactly.

02:02:24.000 He was having a sexual affair with a woman that he worked with that wasn't even under him.

02:02:29.000 She was in a different department, and they're still saying that he had power over her.

02:02:34.000 It might be correct, though.

02:02:35.000 See, the thing is, this Ronan Farrow guy, Ronan Farrow guy, He's obviously a real legitimate journalist, and he's done a deep dive into these things.

02:02:43.000 So it's so hard to say.

02:02:45.000 Until Matt Lauer comes out and just has to make statements, I guess, on all these different things.

02:02:53.000 Because apparently there were some people that got paid off.

02:02:56.000 And it's something that NBC denied.

02:02:59.000 And then he's proven there's been several different compensation payoffs, people that were sexually harassed.

02:03:06.000 Well, even when you hear about payments, you're like...

02:03:09.000 Yeah, that might mean it's legitimate, or it might mean that they thought, this is the easiest way to fix this problem.

02:03:16.000 Unless you're talking about Bill O'Reilly.

02:03:19.000 That is, yeah.

02:03:22.000 That's the gold standard of sexual harassment pants.

02:03:25.000 When you paid that chick $32 million, you're like, what did you say, Bill?

02:03:29.000 Yeah, yeah.

02:03:29.000 What did you do?

02:03:30.000 That's not just keep quiet money.

02:03:33.000 That's just like, no, I don't want to have to deal with it anymore.

02:03:36.000 Just give her the $32 million.

02:03:38.000 $32 million.

02:03:39.000 And we went over it.

02:03:40.000 Apparently, there's also a clause that she has to deny that anything ever took place.

02:03:46.000 And then if evidence comes out, she has to lie and say that evidence is not valid.

02:03:52.000 I mean, for $32 million.

02:03:54.000 You've got to do what you've got to do.

02:03:55.000 You're in the clear for life.

02:03:57.000 You don't have to work again.

02:03:58.000 That lady right now has probably got her feet up.

02:04:01.000 She's probably got fluffy slippers on, sipping tea.

02:04:05.000 Living exactly where she wants to live.

02:04:08.000 Laughing.

02:04:08.000 Ha!

02:04:11.000 Because every now and then she just like wakes up in the morning and they just realize she doesn't have to do shit ever again.

02:04:19.000 Fuck you, Bill!

02:04:21.000 I mean, she won.

02:04:22.000 Oh my God, she won.

02:04:23.000 She won $32 million.

02:04:26.000 Yeah.

02:04:26.000 If you live a reasonable life, you don't have to do a goddamn thing with $32 million.

02:04:31.000 You take vacations every year.

02:04:33.000 You buy a nice, fat new car every year.

02:04:36.000 You live in a beautiful house.

02:04:38.000 You have to do shit.

02:04:39.000 You have help.

02:04:40.000 You have like, I mean, you're set.

02:04:43.000 $32 million.

02:04:43.000 What is that?

02:04:44.000 In just 10%, that's $3 million a year.

02:04:47.000 Just in interest.

02:04:50.000 Yeah.

02:04:50.000 Right?

02:04:51.000 If you can make your money work for you.

02:04:53.000 You're a financial person.

02:04:54.000 Is that real?

02:04:55.000 Can you do that?

02:04:56.000 Get 10% interest?

02:04:57.000 I mean, it depends what you're invested in.

02:05:00.000 If you have a legit $32 million in the bank, What would you get out of that?

02:05:05.000 Well, is it just in a savings account?

02:05:08.000 It would have to be in funds and 401ks.

02:05:11.000 What would it have to be in order to get $3 million a year?

02:05:15.000 I don't know.

02:05:16.000 What would it have to be in?

02:05:18.000 Bernie Madoff type shit?

02:05:21.000 I know.

02:05:22.000 I mean, I only ever, like, sold mutual funds.

02:05:24.000 Like, that's what we did, like, due diligence on mutual funds and stuff like that.

02:05:28.000 And what's a good return?

02:05:30.000 It really depends.

02:05:30.000 Like, I mean, there's a lot of funds that, like, it fluctuates, but there's, like, a good 4%, you know?

02:05:36.000 4%.

02:05:36.000 Yeah.

02:05:36.000 That's not good enough.

02:05:38.000 You need 10. She wants to live like a baller?

02:05:39.000 Yeah.

02:05:39.000 She needs more.

02:05:41.000 I'm sure there's higher yield ones that you could use.

02:05:44.000 4% is not even a million a year.

02:05:45.000 She needs 10. What are we going to do?

02:05:47.000 We've got to diversify.

02:05:48.000 We've got to diversify.

02:05:50.000 I don't have anything in the stock market anymore because after Bayer collapsed, I literally saw people that were working there for 30 years lose everything because they lost their job and they were reinvested in the company, which they say you're not supposed to do,

02:06:05.000 but this company, Bayer built itself on being like...

02:06:09.000 Like, loyalty and like, you know, like, work for us, help people move ahead, and then they'd reinvest back into the company.

02:06:17.000 You get stocks, like all this stuff, and then you lost your job and the stock price went from $130 to $2.

02:06:25.000 You're fucked.

02:06:26.000 Did it help you when everything crashed to give you a jump to get into stand-up and go balls out?

02:06:32.000 No, it was...

02:06:33.000 Sorry for the male expression.

02:06:34.000 No.

02:06:35.000 How dare you?

02:06:36.000 Sorry to gender.

02:06:39.000 Yeah, because you can't say labia out.

02:06:40.000 That's very weird.

02:06:42.000 What can you say?

02:06:43.000 Clit out?

02:06:44.000 Yeah.

02:06:45.000 I went real clit out on this.

02:06:48.000 That might be a new thing.

02:06:50.000 That sounds bad coming out of my little mouth.

02:06:56.000 Oh my god.

02:06:57.000 No, it was like I was cheap.

02:06:58.000 I was cheap, relatively cheap labor compared to everyone else.

02:07:02.000 I knew I wasn't going to lose my job.

02:07:04.000 I also came up with a Microsoft Access program that we used in the department that no one else knew how to use.

02:07:10.000 Really?

02:07:11.000 Yeah.

02:07:11.000 So you kind of had your job locked in.

02:07:14.000 Yeah.

02:07:14.000 But the company could go under.

02:07:16.000 The company could go over, but I was still in the early enough phase that I had no idea what this whole comedy thing was going to turn into.

02:07:25.000 Did it give you motivation?

02:07:27.000 Knowing that all these people that did work hard towards a legitimate career, that it could all fall apart on them?

02:07:33.000 I mean, that scarred me, I think, in a different way, where I was just like, oh, you can't trust the stock market.

02:07:42.000 It didn't make me worry about my career or anything like that.

02:07:48.000 I think I was too young to think about longevity career-wise.

02:07:52.000 And I was too new in comedy to think it was like, that could all fall apart.

02:07:58.000 I didn't assume it was going to go anywhere anyway.

02:08:01.000 But it really did.

02:08:03.000 People are always like, well, you should be invested.

02:08:05.000 They're like, no, over time.

02:08:07.000 I'm like, no, I know all the sayings.

02:08:09.000 But if it crashes when you want to retire...

02:08:13.000 It doesn't matter.

02:08:15.000 Like if you're at 60 or whatever it is and you want to retire and your 401k just completely drops, then you got to wait, what, 10 more years to retire until it gets back up to where it was?

02:08:27.000 Oof.

02:08:28.000 So, you know, keep it in cash, baby.

02:08:30.000 Is that what you do now?

02:08:32.000 Yeah.

02:08:32.000 You got a safe at home?

02:08:33.000 Every now and then you throw the money on the bed and just roll around?

02:08:36.000 Yeah, yeah.

02:08:39.000 Every once in a while.

02:08:40.000 Indecent proposal?

02:08:41.000 How bad would that be?

02:08:42.000 Like, you're like, I'm just going to roll around in this money and then afterwards you're like, I got to clean up all this money.

02:08:47.000 Not only that, you test positive for cocaine.

02:08:50.000 Yeah.

02:08:50.000 Yeah, you got like, you got every germ.

02:08:53.000 Yeah, if you're naked and you're rolling around with money.

02:08:55.000 Disgusting.

02:08:56.000 That's fucking gross.

02:08:57.000 Yeah.

02:08:58.000 Yeah.

02:08:58.000 I don't even like, I like wash my hands after I touch money.

02:09:02.000 You should.

02:09:03.000 It's disgusting.

02:09:04.000 I mean, it's, it's, everyone's carrying it.

02:09:07.000 Yeah.

02:09:07.000 So it's something that we know people touch.

02:09:11.000 It's like one of the one things that you know has been passed on from person to person to person to person.

02:09:16.000 Very few objects, like a watch or a light, very few objects are touched by as many people as money.

02:09:22.000 Yeah, and often.

02:09:23.000 And strangers.

02:09:24.000 Yeah.

02:09:25.000 Dirty people.

02:09:26.000 It's on the ground.

02:09:27.000 Yes.

02:09:28.000 It's in a machine.

02:09:30.000 Yes.

02:09:30.000 It's gross.

02:09:31.000 And the numbers of people that get dollar bills that test positive for cocaine, it's crazy.

02:09:37.000 It's off the charts.

02:09:39.000 Yeah, they did some study on $100 bills, like the percentage of $100 bills that test positive for cocaine.

02:09:45.000 It's really high.

02:09:46.000 Yeah?

02:09:46.000 Yeah, it's really high.

02:09:48.000 Yeah, I mean, I guess it would be hundreds.

02:09:50.000 Yeah, hundreds in circulation.

02:09:52.000 You're trying to impress people.

02:09:54.000 I don't give a fuck.

02:09:54.000 I'm going to lay down and fire when I'm done.

02:09:56.000 Did you see that Walmart sweater that they got in trouble for?

02:09:59.000 Yeah, the cocaine Santa.

02:10:01.000 I liked that one.

02:10:02.000 They're so lame, they didn't even know what the fuck it was.

02:10:05.000 Yeah, they were like, no, it's snow.

02:10:07.000 No, no, no, stupid.

02:10:08.000 He's got a straw in his hand.

02:10:10.000 What's the percentage of dollar bills?

02:10:14.000 Does it say?

02:10:16.000 What?

02:10:18.000 It's not legit?

02:10:19.000 Fecal matter showed up more than cocaine.

02:10:21.000 Yeah.

02:10:22.000 There's a lot of poop.

02:10:23.000 Of course!

02:10:24.000 Dirty people wipe their hands with their own hands.

02:10:28.000 Just smudge it on their dollar bills.

02:10:30.000 Maybe they wipe their ass with dollar bills when they run out of toilet paper and then they wash the dollar bill off in the sink but do a shitty job of it.

02:10:36.000 Pardon the pun.

02:10:37.000 I mean, if you did run out of toilet paper...

02:10:40.000 Yeah, it'd be good.

02:10:41.000 It's probably solid.

02:10:42.000 Clean it off in the sink.

02:10:43.000 It says the flu can last for up to 17 days on a dollar bill.

02:10:46.000 Oh, great!

02:10:48.000 Credit cards.

02:10:49.000 When people start getting sick, just pull out the credit card.

02:10:51.000 That's why when I was little, I ate dirt, I ate boogers, I ate grass, and I rarely get sick.

02:10:59.000 Solid immune system.

02:11:01.000 Because I was a gross child.

02:11:04.000 80% for cocaine, 94% according to a 2002 report for poop.

02:11:12.000 94%.

02:11:12.000 How is poop getting on everything?

02:11:15.000 Because people are gross.

02:11:16.000 Like, they always say, like, there's poop, like, there's fecal matter on, like, your toothbrush if it's, like, near you.

02:11:21.000 I'm like, how is it getting there?

02:11:22.000 People are gross.

02:11:24.000 We're disgusting.

02:11:25.000 How is it popping?

02:11:26.000 What's happening?

02:11:27.000 Oh, we're touching railings after you wash your hands.

02:11:30.000 Like, I was at Disneyland.

02:11:31.000 This little kid was sucking on a chain.

02:11:34.000 Oh, no.

02:11:35.000 Just had the chain in his mouth.

02:11:38.000 I'm like, your kid!

02:11:40.000 Ugh!

02:11:42.000 Just shit chain.

02:11:45.000 At Disneyland!

02:11:46.000 I picture someone pulling that chain out of their ass.

02:11:48.000 Clink, clink, clink, clink, clink.

02:11:50.000 Re-hooking it up.

02:11:52.000 That is my favorite ride at Disneyland.

02:11:55.000 The shit chain.

02:11:57.000 He was sucking on the chain.

02:11:59.000 What's up?

02:12:00.000 I was muting.

02:12:01.000 Oh, that's so much.

02:12:02.000 That's such a high percentage.

02:12:04.000 94 for poop?

02:12:05.000 And 80-something for Coke?

02:12:07.000 Yeah, a lot of fucking people doing Coke on $100 bills.

02:12:10.000 100 different strains of bacteria for animals?

02:12:13.000 Unspecified domestic animals?

02:12:15.000 Yeah.

02:12:18.000 Yeah.

02:12:18.000 If you wanted to really spread a disease in this country, spread it through money.

02:12:22.000 Yeah.

02:12:23.000 Oh, don't give people that idea.

02:12:24.000 Sorry.

02:12:25.000 I'm more creative with my ideas.

02:12:26.000 I didn't tell them the one about the plane.

02:12:28.000 I'll tell you afterwards.

02:12:29.000 I'll tell you my plane idea.

02:12:31.000 But yeah, it would be really easy if you had cocaine on dollars.

02:12:36.000 You could easily just put some sort of a fucking horrible disease on dollars.

02:12:40.000 Yeah.

02:12:41.000 Spread it around.

02:12:42.000 There was a guy last night at the Lakers game who was throwing money, just one dollar bills, into the crowd.

02:12:48.000 And people were scrambling for it, and I was like, this could be, he could be passing anything.

02:12:55.000 Yeah, easily.

02:12:56.000 Yeah.

02:12:57.000 I was like, or this is a really great way to see if your counterfeit bills work.

02:13:01.000 Yeah.

02:13:02.000 Or to get people in trouble.

02:13:03.000 Yeah, you fucking losers.

02:13:04.000 Have ten bucks for free.

02:13:06.000 Yeah.

02:13:06.000 Yeah, there's a, that's a weird thing, right?

02:13:09.000 The throwing money thing.

02:13:11.000 I'm so rich, I can throw money away.

02:13:14.000 Throw it up in the air, making it rain.

02:13:16.000 Yeah.

02:13:17.000 Yeah.

02:13:18.000 It feels weird when you're like, with no specified target.

02:13:21.000 Right, right, right.

02:13:22.000 You know?

02:13:23.000 If you're like, I'm so rich, I'm going to give it to a school.

02:13:26.000 That's nice.

02:13:27.000 That would be a nice thing to do.

02:13:28.000 I'm so rich, I'm just going to throw it in the air.

02:13:31.000 Yeah, it's the ultimate in frivolous spending.

02:13:33.000 Yeah.

02:13:34.000 Yeah.

02:13:34.000 I mean, even at strip clubs, I can get behind it because you're like, oh yeah, you're paying this lady.

02:13:39.000 But you're making her scream.

02:13:40.000 Scratch it all up together.

02:13:42.000 Yeah.

02:13:43.000 Like she's sweeping leaves.

02:13:44.000 Yeah.

02:13:46.000 It's weird.

02:13:47.000 I bet strippers really hate raking in the fall.

02:13:50.000 They're probably like, ugh.

02:13:51.000 It's not even money.

02:13:52.000 Not even money.

02:13:55.000 But they must get money thrown at them all the time, right?

02:13:58.000 Oh, they do.

02:13:59.000 They would get it crumpled.

02:14:01.000 Yeah.

02:14:01.000 And guys would throw it.

02:14:02.000 That has to be the worst.

02:14:04.000 Flattening it back out.

02:14:05.000 Yeah, ironing.

02:14:07.000 You're like, this isn't going to work in the vending machine.

02:14:10.000 That's another job where there's no male equivalent that's as humiliating.

02:14:15.000 Because like Chippendales dancers, like if a guy's a Chippendales dancer, it doesn't even come with a stigma.

02:14:21.000 No.

02:14:21.000 Like, he's a good-looking guy with a six-pack and wants to make some money.

02:14:24.000 Yeah.

02:14:24.000 Puts his hog in a tube and starts dancing for ladies with cowboy boots on.

02:14:27.000 It's normal.

02:14:29.000 No one cares.

02:14:30.000 Like, hey, our boyfriend used to be a Chippin' Hills dancer.

02:14:32.000 Yeah, I paid my way through college.

02:14:34.000 I mean, it's a real testament to how much better women's bodies are.

02:14:40.000 Like, we're just like...

02:14:42.000 Like, the male bodies, like...

02:14:44.000 I mean, I'm attracted to it, but, like, it's still just like...

02:14:48.000 It's not something I want to see dancing around, necessarily.

02:14:50.000 It's a weird thing.

02:14:51.000 Guys dancing is feminine, too.

02:14:53.000 Yeah.

02:14:53.000 It's like a guy just sitting there dancing in front of you.

02:14:56.000 It's like, what are you doing?

02:14:57.000 Yeah.

02:14:57.000 Like, you know, when women are dancing, they're letting you know, you could fuck me.

02:15:02.000 Yeah.

02:15:02.000 But you know you could fuck the guy.

02:15:04.000 Guys will fuck anything.

02:15:05.000 It's so easy.

02:15:06.000 I always say, like, you want to fuck a guy?

02:15:08.000 Be the last one there.

02:15:09.000 Just be the one who goes, I'm ready to fuck.

02:15:11.000 Yeah.

02:15:11.000 And he's like, oh, you ready to fuck?

02:15:13.000 Okay.

02:15:14.000 Let's get out of here.

02:15:15.000 It's also like, it's so...

02:15:17.000 We're just attracted to different things, too.

02:15:19.000 Like, you know, like, yeah, we like attractive men, but, like, you want to get us?

02:15:23.000 Like, show us you're capable of things, you know?

02:15:28.000 Yeah, that's hot.

02:15:29.000 Like, your life is so fucked up that you're a Chippendales dancer?

02:15:32.000 We're like, hmm.

02:15:33.000 Yeah, I'm just like, ugh.

02:15:35.000 How come you don't have your shit together?

02:15:36.000 You're 35. Yeah, like, can't you be, like, an accountant or something?

02:15:40.000 Yeah, you have a full beard.

02:15:42.000 You should have a real job.

02:15:43.000 Yeah.

02:15:46.000 You're a fucking real grown-up, man.

02:15:49.000 Why are you dancing for money?

02:15:52.000 Why are you dancing?

02:15:52.000 Like, where did this go wrong for you?

02:15:54.000 Do you own a house?

02:15:55.000 Like, stop it.

02:15:56.000 It's such a different reaction, too.

02:15:57.000 Like, when girls go to see men strip or men dancing, they scream.

02:16:01.000 They're screaming and yelling.

02:16:03.000 Guys are just sitting there looking creepy.

02:16:04.000 Guys are sitting back like this.

02:16:06.000 They're like...

02:16:07.000 And I'm like, oh!

02:16:08.000 Your posture!

02:16:09.000 It's a reverse of roles for guys.

02:16:11.000 Like, the women are aggressive because they want to make money.

02:16:14.000 Like, would you like a dance?

02:16:14.000 Would you like a dance?

02:16:15.000 Like, the women are coming up to you.

02:16:17.000 You're like, whoa, this is crazy.

02:16:19.000 They're coming up to me.

02:16:20.000 Yeah, and it's like, yeah, because you're paying them.

02:16:23.000 Ow!

02:16:24.000 I gotta get all technical on it.

02:16:26.000 What do you think would change in society if prostitution was legal?

02:16:31.000 Um...

02:16:31.000 I think it'd be a lot less guys that are stressed.

02:16:34.000 I think there would be...

02:16:35.000 Yeah, I mean, I... People would probably be a little nicer.

02:16:38.000 I think people would be nicer.

02:16:39.000 I think those women would finally get, like, they could have, like, a union.

02:16:44.000 Yeah.

02:16:44.000 You know, like, they could...

02:16:46.000 Not really.

02:16:46.000 Hoes would just break union lines.

02:16:49.000 I want to be at a prostitute union meeting.

02:16:51.000 I really do.

02:16:53.000 I really...

02:16:55.000 Y'all are charging too little.

02:16:59.000 They're like, I'm not giving my fees.

02:17:01.000 The healthcare was not good this year.

02:17:04.000 You fucking bitches need to step up.

02:17:07.000 Could you imagine what it'd be like being at a prostitution meeting, all smoking, all sitting around?

02:17:11.000 I gotta get out of this fucking job.

02:17:13.000 This job is fucking bullshit.

02:17:14.000 But there's also one woman in a skirt and heels who's just like, we're not all like that, okay?

02:17:20.000 Some of us, we're the classy ones.

02:17:24.000 There's the classy versus the unclassy side of the room.

02:17:27.000 Well, I knew a girl who, in college, she was...

02:17:32.000 She was a prostitute, but she was a prostitute like she would fuck guys she knew for money.

02:17:38.000 And she didn't want to get a job.

02:17:40.000 And she liked these guys.

02:17:41.000 They were like older, married guys.

02:17:43.000 And she was trying to explain it.

02:17:45.000 And I was like, okay, so you knew the guys and you would fuck them for money.

02:17:50.000 She's an artist.

02:17:51.000 Right.

02:17:52.000 And she was explaining the whole thing.

02:17:53.000 I was like, oh, okay.

02:17:54.000 Well, that's an argument that comes up a lot where there's some women who say that, like, no, I want to do this.

02:18:01.000 Well, if you want, look, imagine if you're a woman, right, and you're in college, and some guy says, I will pay you $2,000 to have sex.

02:18:11.000 It'll take about an hour.

02:18:12.000 Mm-hmm.

02:18:13.000 Versus, you have to work for hours and hours and hours and hours and hours.

02:18:17.000 And the guy's a nice guy.

02:18:19.000 Right.

02:18:20.000 And you go, oh, okay, he's like this nice businessman and he can't get laid.

02:18:24.000 Like you maybe would have done it anyway.

02:18:25.000 Yeah, probably not.

02:18:27.000 But either way, it's not the worst thing in the world.

02:18:29.000 You're not disgusted by it.

02:18:31.000 He's not treating you terrible.

02:18:32.000 Right.

02:18:33.000 He just likes sexual pleasure from a pretty girl and you like money and then...

02:18:39.000 Next thing you know, old Jed's a millionaire.

02:18:41.000 Like, what is wrong with that?

02:18:43.000 But obviously, that's best case scenario, right?

02:18:46.000 The worst case scenario, I think, is pimps and people abusing women and sexual trafficking and all the stuff that's associated with...

02:18:54.000 The same sort of thing that's associated with illegal drugs is associated with illegal prostitution.

02:18:59.000 Crime.

02:18:59.000 Organized crime.

02:19:00.000 I mean, that's what the real problem is.

02:19:02.000 Look, I have three daughters.

02:19:04.000 I don't want anybody to be a prostitute.

02:19:05.000 But if they were going to be a prostitute, I would like it to be like a legal thing.

02:19:09.000 Not my kids.

02:19:11.000 Right, right, right.

02:19:11.000 Some other losers' kids.

02:19:12.000 But if you're going to have prostitution, If it was legal, first of all, why isn't it legal?

02:19:18.000 How come it's okay to fuck anybody you want, but it's not okay to pay for it?

02:19:22.000 That's crazy.

02:19:23.000 I mean, it's the oldest profession.

02:19:26.000 Yes.

02:19:27.000 So there should be something.

02:19:29.000 At this point, we should go as a society, hey, we're not getting rid of this.

02:19:33.000 Yeah.

02:19:34.000 Let's just figure out a way to make it as safe.

02:19:37.000 Test people.

02:19:38.000 Yeah.

02:19:38.000 Protect them from creeps.

02:19:40.000 Make sure you have security.

02:19:41.000 Yeah.

02:19:41.000 But maybe that's also part of why some guys like it, because it is illegal.

02:19:46.000 Forbidden, it's dirty, it's naughty.

02:19:47.000 Yeah, you can't.

02:19:48.000 Oh, it's naughty.

02:19:49.000 Like, if you look at porn, it's all naughty porn that's popular now.

02:19:52.000 It's all, like, my stepsister, stepmother, stepbrother.

02:19:55.000 That's all it is.

02:19:56.000 It's all naughty stuff.

02:19:58.000 Step stuff.

02:19:59.000 It's all step.

02:19:59.000 Everybody's step.

02:20:00.000 I'm not kidding.

02:20:01.000 It's like, those are all the titles.

02:20:03.000 Not that I look.

02:20:04.000 If I did look, that's what I would find.

02:20:05.000 It's all step.

02:20:07.000 Step this and step that.

02:20:08.000 It's weird.

02:20:09.000 People want to be...

02:20:10.000 See, because porn is so prevalent now, and it's so easily accessible.

02:20:16.000 You just get it on your fucking phone.

02:20:18.000 You're watching on a nice screen on your phone.

02:20:19.000 It's in 4K. You stream it anytime you want.

02:20:22.000 So because of that, we're gravitating towards weirder and weirder shit to get our kink off.

02:20:29.000 People have to be like, I can't even believe we're doing this.

02:20:32.000 You're supposed to be my sister.

02:20:35.000 I'm not your real sister.

02:20:36.000 I'm just your stepsister.

02:20:39.000 The next thing you know, they're getting crazy.

02:20:42.000 I love the amount of time it takes to convince someone in porn.

02:20:46.000 Yeah, it's just always like, oh, five seconds?

02:20:49.000 Do you have a heart on it?

02:20:50.000 I can't believe this.

02:20:52.000 How dare you?

02:20:52.000 You're disgusting.

02:20:53.000 No, it's like that all the time.

02:20:55.000 I mean, I'm not even thinking anything.

02:20:57.000 You're my sister.

02:20:58.000 This is crazy.

02:21:00.000 Let me see it.

02:21:01.000 I want to see a porn that actually takes the amount of time it would take to convince someone.

02:21:07.000 It depends on who it is.

02:21:08.000 If it's a slut, it would be accurate.

02:21:10.000 But if it's, sorry to slut shame, but if it's, yeah, like a relationship.

02:21:15.000 Slut empowered.

02:21:15.000 You just slut empowered.

02:21:16.000 I don't think you shamed.

02:21:17.000 Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

02:21:18.000 I slut empowered.

02:21:19.000 Some people like a long, drawn-out courtship sort of deal.

02:21:24.000 Some guys, guys that I'm friends with, they prefer that a girl doesn't want to sleep with them quickly because this way, this is a girl that is making good choices.

02:21:35.000 Yeah.

02:21:36.000 Especially in your 30s, you start thinking about, okay, this could be the one.

02:21:39.000 Yeah.

02:21:40.000 You hear that a lot of times with guys.

02:21:42.000 I mean, that's how they always say you're supposed to play the game.

02:21:44.000 It's just be like, no, hold out for him, hold out for him.

02:21:46.000 And it's just like, whatever.

02:21:49.000 You don't have to.

02:21:50.000 You can have great relationships after a first one-night stand.

02:21:53.000 Yeah.

02:21:54.000 100%.

02:21:54.000 I'm pretty sure it happens all the time.

02:21:56.000 All the time.

02:21:58.000 100%.

02:21:58.000 Yeah.

02:21:59.000 But I also get the appeal of it.

02:22:00.000 I get it.

02:22:01.000 Yeah.

02:22:02.000 I know that people like to chase.

02:22:04.000 Both things are good.

02:22:06.000 Sometimes it's good to have a couple of cocktails and go, fuck it, let's do this.

02:22:09.000 Woo!

02:22:10.000 Of course!

02:22:11.000 Yes!

02:22:11.000 Why else were you drinking?

02:22:12.000 Yes!

02:22:13.000 Well, there's these moments where the universe creates, especially nightclub moments, couple of cocktails.

02:22:22.000 The universe just puts those little seeds out there.

02:22:25.000 You look at them, they look at you, and you're like, what do you think?

02:22:28.000 Right.

02:22:28.000 I'm like, yeah!

02:22:29.000 Yeah!

02:22:30.000 Fucking yeah!

02:22:31.000 Wow!

02:22:31.000 But then, like, I always think about, like, I live in New York.

02:22:35.000 There's plenty of opportunities for that.

02:22:36.000 How do people in other cities, not even cities, towns, like, you're at a bar, what are you doing?

02:22:44.000 Like, what are the...

02:22:45.000 Farmersonly.com.

02:22:46.000 Yeah, is it all dating apps?

02:22:47.000 Yeah, there's a farmer's website dating app.

02:22:50.000 I know that one, yeah.

02:22:51.000 You know that one?

02:22:51.000 Yeah.

02:22:52.000 There's a commercial for it.

02:22:53.000 Farmersonly.com.

02:22:54.000 I love it.

02:22:54.000 It's like a hot girl in Daisy Duke shorts, like, with a tractor.

02:22:57.000 I'm like, Please tell me how many look like that.

02:22:59.000 Zero.

02:23:00.000 I'm sure there's hot farmer girls out there that live in those small towns near Hershey.

02:23:06.000 I know a farmer from back home.

02:23:09.000 He's really attractive and his wife's really attractive.

02:23:11.000 What the hell?

02:23:12.000 There you go.

02:23:13.000 It's real.

02:23:14.000 Farmers work hard.

02:23:15.000 They fucking work too hard.

02:23:17.000 They work really hard for not a lot of money.

02:23:20.000 That's a difficult job.

02:23:21.000 That's like a whole government issue.

02:23:23.000 They have to mine their books carefully.

02:23:27.000 It's, I mean, and then part of it's just dependent on, like, the weather that year.

02:23:33.000 You work so hard and then all of a sudden it just doesn't rain?

02:23:36.000 How about Farmer's Almanacs?

02:23:38.000 Like, what in the fuck is that?

02:23:41.000 You can predict the rain two years from now?

02:23:43.000 Like, they have these books where they're, like, back before they had, like, real weather satellites, they had Farmer's Almanacs.

02:23:50.000 And they're accurate for the most part.

02:23:52.000 How is that possible?

02:23:53.000 I don't know.

02:23:54.000 I don't understand.

02:23:54.000 What kind of voodoo are they using?

02:23:55.000 It sounds like witchery.

02:23:57.000 Yeah.

02:23:57.000 This is the thing.

02:23:58.000 There's a lot of things you hear from back then where people said they were witches and then you're like, yeah, but how did they know?

02:24:07.000 Well, do you know what that whole witch trial shit was about?

02:24:10.000 It was about ergot.

02:24:12.000 It was about late frosts.

02:24:14.000 When you have late frosts, a lot of wheat in particular, it develops fungus.

02:24:19.000 And that fungus is ergot.

02:24:20.000 It's one of the funguses that could grow on it.

02:24:22.000 And ergot produces lysergic acid.

02:24:25.000 It produces a very LSD-like effect.

02:24:27.000 So these people were getting acid from the bread.

02:24:31.000 So people were tripping balls and freaking out and thinking that...

02:24:35.000 And also, it's always women, right?

02:24:37.000 It's always men burning women.

02:24:39.000 It wasn't a warlock hunt.

02:24:41.000 It was a witch hunt.

02:24:43.000 So it was like, this bitch, she did it to me!

02:24:45.000 She's using witchcraft!

02:24:48.000 I bet a lot of it was men who were attracted to women, and those women weren't attracted to them, and they were angry, and then they were on acid.

02:24:55.000 And then they were like, oh my god, she's a witch.

02:24:57.000 And then they were paranoid, and they believed in witches back then, they believed in witchcraft, and why wouldn't you if you're on acid eating bread?

02:25:03.000 You didn't even know.

02:25:04.000 And all of a sudden you're like, I'm bewitched!

02:25:06.000 I have been bewitched!

02:25:08.000 Also, it's a much better excuse for your wife.

02:25:11.000 When you're like, no, she bewitched me.

02:25:13.000 She's a witch.

02:25:14.000 She's a witch.

02:25:15.000 There's no way women aren't going to turn on each other immediately.

02:25:17.000 They never burnt them, though.

02:25:19.000 That was a misnomer.

02:25:21.000 Is that a lie?

02:25:21.000 Yeah, they used to drown them, which is kind of morphed up.

02:25:23.000 Well, my favorite thing, not my favorite thing, my favorite thing in the world.

02:25:27.000 I like to hold them.

02:25:28.000 I hold their hair.

02:25:29.000 It was one of those things where it's like, we'll load her with rocks, and if she sinks, she's not a witch.

02:25:35.000 Oh, that's right.

02:25:36.000 But then she's dead.

02:25:37.000 Because she sank to the bottom.

02:25:39.000 And then we feel bad.

02:25:40.000 So then we're like, oh, she wasn't a witch.

02:25:42.000 Let's give her a nice burial.

02:25:45.000 But then if they put a bunch of rocks on you and you floated, you were a witch.

02:25:49.000 And so then they killed you.

02:25:51.000 But I'm going to guess they never found ones that didn't sink to the bottom.

02:25:55.000 Can you imagine if you had to live back then?

02:25:57.000 Forget about all the smells and the syphilis and all the fucking powdered wigs.

02:26:01.000 Then they're fucking drowning witches.

02:26:04.000 Like, Christ.

02:26:05.000 Yeah, and then, like, also you just have kids and they just keep dying.

02:26:09.000 Oh, yeah.

02:26:10.000 Like, you die.

02:26:11.000 Like, everyone's dying.

02:26:12.000 Everyone was always dying.

02:26:14.000 Well, that's also the whole life expectancy thing.

02:26:17.000 Yeah.

02:26:17.000 There were people, it's like, someone had, my friend Chris Ryan had explained that to me.

02:26:22.000 When people think that people back in the 1200s only lived to be 30 years old, on average, that's because of infant mortality.

02:26:31.000 Exactly.

02:26:31.000 So there's so much infant mortality and childhood mortality that it lowered that, the life expectancy.

02:26:37.000 Yeah, people were living in the 60s and 70s.

02:26:40.000 It's just that all the babies were also dying.

02:26:43.000 Ugh.

02:26:44.000 There's a book by Steven Pinker.

02:26:46.000 I can't remember the name of it is escaping me, but it's a really good book about like, oh my god, why can't I think of the name?

02:26:56.000 Can you look up a Steven Pinker book?

02:26:59.000 And it just essentially talks about like how things are actually, because you know people always say good old days, and how things are getting exponentially better and will continue to get better.

02:27:09.000 Yeah, he was on recently.

02:27:10.000 Oh, he was?

02:27:10.000 Yeah, yeah.

02:27:11.000 About five, six months ago.

02:27:12.000 He's great.

02:27:12.000 I really like him.

02:27:13.000 I love his work.

02:27:14.000 I love Outliers.

02:27:15.000 Oh, that's Malcolm Gladwell.

02:27:16.000 That's Malcolm Gladwell, yeah.

02:27:16.000 I love that, too.

02:27:17.000 He was on recently, too.

02:27:18.000 He was on much more recently.

02:27:19.000 He was on, like, a couple weeks ago.

02:27:20.000 But Pinker's excellent.

02:27:21.000 He's just...

02:27:22.000 His work...

02:27:23.000 Enlightenment now?

02:27:24.000 Yes, yeah.

02:27:25.000 Yes.

02:27:26.000 Yeah, he gets massive pushback on that.

02:27:28.000 That's what's interesting.

02:27:28.000 Because he's saying that everything's better, that there's less violence, there's less crime, there's less rape, there's less all these things.

02:27:34.000 And he shows it statistically.

02:27:35.000 And people are like, you're belittling all the horrible crimes that take place.

02:27:39.000 And you're enabling all these assholes to try to say things are fine and to not be protesting about all these issues.

02:27:47.000 Like, no, just using statistics.

02:27:50.000 And he's not like...

02:27:52.000 It's again, what makes me bad about the social justice stuff is that he's not saying, don't try to keep making things better.

02:27:58.000 Don't try to like, yeah, there are things we should protest.

02:28:01.000 He's just saying that like, no, statistically, we're headed in the right direction.

02:28:06.000 And then he even talks about anomalies where we do go backwards sometimes.

02:28:10.000 But like, this is all stuff where it's like, If you don't want to know the actual information, don't get in the fight to begin with.

02:28:17.000 Yeah, and don't look at statistics.

02:28:19.000 People don't want to know facts anymore.

02:28:21.000 They want to go based off their feelings.

02:28:23.000 That's a lot of what happens when you talk about women not being as strong as men.

02:28:27.000 With sports.

02:28:28.000 Yeah, with sports.

02:28:29.000 Other people, or men who are trying to fight for women, they want men and women to be as good as each other in sports.

02:28:40.000 And it's like, just because you want it, It doesn't mean it's true.

02:28:44.000 Very few people say that, but something that people do say is that a trans woman is equal to a biological woman.

02:28:54.000 And then that argument is horseshit.

02:28:56.000 And that argument has been disproved by all these women that are winning world records.

02:29:00.000 And they say, well, there's outliers in sports, period.

02:29:04.000 So that these people that are athletic anomalies like Michael Jordan or whoever, you know, people that are just supreme genetic athletes, so do you discount them?

02:29:14.000 But no, they're coming from a different gender, you fucking idiot.

02:29:17.000 Yeah.

02:29:18.000 Like, you can't do that.

02:29:19.000 Like, I know what you're trying to do.

02:29:20.000 You're trying to find some loophole where it makes sense, where a six-foot-six man can play girls basketball.

02:29:26.000 Right.

02:29:27.000 But you can't, because 90% of the population that's not on Twitter, the regular people are going to go, hey, fuck you.

02:29:34.000 And that's what's going on right now.

02:29:35.000 People are going, hey, fuck you.

02:29:36.000 Because this is crazy.

02:29:38.000 Yeah.

02:29:38.000 Martina Navotrilova, they're calling her a bigot.

02:29:41.000 They went after her.

02:29:41.000 She's a famous lesbian.

02:29:43.000 Yeah.

02:29:44.000 And they're calling her a bigot.

02:29:45.000 She's transphobic.

02:29:46.000 Martina and her transphobic comments.

02:29:49.000 No, she just wants things to be competitive.

02:29:52.000 Yes.

02:29:52.000 Have a trans-only league.

02:29:54.000 Yeah.

02:29:54.000 You're welcome.

02:29:55.000 Yeah.

02:29:55.000 Super simple.

02:29:56.000 There's so many of them.

02:29:57.000 It's not fair that it has to be separated.

02:30:00.000 Yes, it is.

02:30:00.000 Yeah, it is fair.

02:30:02.000 That's why men and women are separated.

02:30:03.000 Well, this is the argument that I got in with this guy on the show.

02:30:05.000 He was saying that there's not that much difference between men and women.

02:30:08.000 I go, okay, so you think women should be able to compete with men?

02:30:11.000 In sports.

02:30:11.000 He said, well, I'm not really saying that.

02:30:14.000 I'm like, well, that's exactly what you're saying.

02:30:16.000 Do you think that it's okay if women compete against men in weightlifting and in basketball?

02:30:20.000 How well do you think that would work out for women?

02:30:22.000 How well do you think it would work out in track and field?

02:30:24.000 How well do you think it would work out in anything?

02:30:25.000 It's nonsense.

02:30:26.000 There's a reason why there's a difference where we define men's sports and women's sports.

02:30:30.000 For fairness.

02:30:31.000 So we should have trans-only sports.

02:30:33.000 That way, just fucking, like...

02:30:36.000 If there's that many of them, you're going to find out how few they really are.

02:30:41.000 That's what's going to be really weird.

02:30:43.000 Is it not fair that they have to have their own league?

02:30:48.000 I mean, maybe, but also, none of this is fair.

02:30:53.000 I don't think it's not fair if they have their own league.

02:30:55.000 I think it's the only thing that's fair.

02:30:57.000 Yeah.

02:30:58.000 Well, and it's like, none of us have made any of these choices.

02:31:01.000 We're all born the way we're born, right?

02:31:04.000 If you're a trans person, and you were born a man, but you've always believed that you're a woman, that's also not fair, you know?

02:31:13.000 That's a crazy predicament to be put into.

02:31:16.000 Yeah, for sure, yeah.

02:31:18.000 But that doesn't mean I want you competing with me because you're going to destroy me.

02:31:23.000 Yeah, it's not fair.

02:31:24.000 It's not fair.

02:31:27.000 But you know what is fair?

02:31:28.000 What?

02:31:29.000 Your comedy special that's on Netflix right now.

02:31:31.000 Is that a good segue?

02:31:33.000 Nah, it's terrible.

02:31:34.000 Stop lying.

02:31:35.000 What's it called again?

02:31:36.000 Joke show.

02:31:37.000 It's on right now, right?

02:31:39.000 It comes the 10th.

02:31:40.000 Yeah, Tuesday.

02:31:41.000 So tonight at midnight.

02:31:42.000 Tonight at midnight.

02:31:42.000 Oh, exciting.

02:31:43.000 Yeah, I'm really excited for people to see it.

02:31:45.000 I've seen clips of it.

02:31:46.000 It's very funny.

02:31:47.000 Thank you.

02:31:48.000 You're very funny.

02:31:48.000 Thank you.

02:31:49.000 I'm really happy that you came on the show.

02:31:50.000 Me too.

02:31:50.000 It was fucking awesome.

02:31:51.000 Thanks.

02:31:52.000 Yeah, I think I'm at a correspondence dinner.

02:31:54.000 All these people think I'm just a political comic.

02:31:57.000 And I'm like, I'll write jokes for any topic.

02:32:01.000 Yeah.

02:32:03.000 But I don't like telling political jokes.

02:32:06.000 But it was kind of cool, the correspondence dinner thing that put you on the map.

02:32:11.000 Yeah, I'm very happy I did it.

02:32:13.000 Don't get me wrong.

02:32:14.000 And I stand by those jokes to this day.

02:32:16.000 They were great jokes.

02:32:17.000 Thanks.

02:32:18.000 You got the president to tweet at you.

02:32:19.000 Yeah, I mean, come on.

02:32:22.000 Was it disconcerting when that was happening?

02:32:25.000 I just remember that when he tweeted at me, I like, because he tweeted once after the dinner and then sometime in like later in the year, like months after.

02:32:33.000 And I was doing like, I was doing a show in Brooklyn.

02:32:36.000 I don't have Twitter on my phone.

02:32:39.000 You don't?

02:32:40.000 No.

02:32:40.000 I only have it on my computer.

02:32:42.000 And I was out in Brooklyn doing shows and I was like drinking hot toddies because I think I was like feeling a little under the weather and I was like, this will fix it.

02:32:51.000 And I kept getting messages about this tweet, and I was like, what?

02:32:57.000 What's going on?

02:32:57.000 What's happening?

02:32:58.000 And then I finally saw what happened, and I was like, well, I guess I gotta go home so I can tweet something back.

02:33:06.000 Go home after you've been drinking to tweet back at the president.

02:33:10.000 I'm like three hot toddies in, and I'm just like, all right, what can I say?

02:33:14.000 What was your be best?

02:33:16.000 You said something when you fucking roasted him.

02:33:18.000 We actually said it on the podcast.

02:33:21.000 Just now?

02:33:22.000 No, no, no.

02:33:22.000 We actually, when you did it, we were howling.

02:33:25.000 We said what you said on the podcast.

02:33:28.000 He said something about when he, I don't remember the exact tweet he sent me, but it was like something so-called comedian did such a terrible job.

02:33:37.000 Oh, yeah.

02:33:37.000 I bet you'd be on my side if I had killed a journalist.

02:33:42.000 And that was during the Khashoggi stuff or whatever it was.

02:33:47.000 Yeah, Jamal Khashoggi.

02:33:49.000 Yeah, the Saudi journalist that had been murdered.

02:33:52.000 This is what he said.

02:33:53.000 So-called comedian Michelle Wolf.

02:33:55.000 By the way, best fucking...

02:33:57.000 That is like some of the best publicity you could ever get.

02:33:59.000 Yeah.

02:34:00.000 The president says this.

02:34:01.000 Bombed so badly last year at the White House Correspondence Center.

02:34:04.000 First of all, not true.

02:34:06.000 You can go listen to the recordings.

02:34:08.000 People were laughing.

02:34:09.000 Like, come on.

02:34:10.000 This is so crazy that you say that.

02:34:12.000 Bombed so badly.

02:34:12.000 What?

02:34:13.000 Play it back.

02:34:13.000 Yeah.

02:34:14.000 Let's play it back.

02:34:15.000 Huh.

02:34:15.000 What's all that noise?

02:34:16.000 There was parts of it where people got kind of quiet, but I remember I was like, first of all, this is for the audience at home.

02:34:23.000 But also, I was like, it's one of those rooms where you're like, yeah, there's...

02:34:29.000 At best, it feels fine.

02:34:32.000 It's like a corporate gig.

02:34:34.000 Exactly like a corporate gig.

02:34:35.000 They will have an author instead of a comedian.

02:34:38.000 What a great idea.

02:34:40.000 Good first step and comeback of a dying evening in tradition.

02:34:43.000 Maybe I will go?

02:34:45.000 Imagine that.

02:34:46.000 Maybe I'll go.

02:34:47.000 What do you think?

02:34:48.000 Oh, please, Donald.

02:34:50.000 I have my new MAGA hat for that event.

02:34:53.000 I love this because I don't know if he wrote this tweet though because the grammar is so perfect that I'm like...

02:35:02.000 Right, the dash in between so and called.

02:35:04.000 Yeah, it just feels like I was like, did someone else draft this?

02:35:07.000 Could be.

02:35:09.000 But maybe I will go.

02:35:10.000 Look at correspondence.

02:35:11.000 There's the correct apostrophe after the S. Yeah.

02:35:15.000 Yeah, it feels like, I don't know, maybe he dictated this one and someone was like, I'm going to spell everything right.

02:35:22.000 Yeah.

02:35:23.000 Well, they've done various things to try to stop him.

02:35:26.000 This is 2018. They've done various things to try to slow down his use of Twitter and social media.

02:35:32.000 And I do think that there was a time when someone else was handling it.

02:35:36.000 Yeah.

02:35:37.000 But now I think he just fucking goes guns blazing.

02:35:39.000 At some point.

02:35:40.000 Pops two Adderalls and a Sudafed and just starts fucking thumbing it.

02:35:43.000 Two Adderalls and a Sudafed.

02:35:46.000 Just gets after it.

02:35:48.000 You know?

02:35:49.000 It's fucking wild to see.

02:35:50.000 I had a dream last night, and I forgot about it until we started talking about it, that he was battle rapping and that some woman made a rap about him and then he made a rap back at her.

02:36:00.000 I had a dream.

02:36:01.000 Maybe it's because I knew you were coming in here.

02:36:03.000 Yeah.

02:36:03.000 And we were probably going to talk about it.

02:36:05.000 What a weird fucking dream.

02:36:06.000 And his battle rap was pretty good.

02:36:08.000 Yeah.

02:36:09.000 And people were like, that is pretty fucking good.

02:36:11.000 Like, it was a good battle rap.

02:36:12.000 He says stuff sometimes where you're like, that's like, that's bars, you know?

02:36:18.000 Yes.

02:36:18.000 But then there's other times where you're like...

02:36:20.000 Then you're like, wait, but he's the president.

02:36:22.000 I wish he wasn't the president, because sometimes the shit he says is hilarious.

02:36:26.000 When he put a fucking giant Trump Tower on Greenland, when they were talking about whether or not we were going to buy Greenland, he goes, I promise not to do this.

02:36:33.000 And he shows Greenland with a giant gold Trump Tower in it.

02:36:37.000 He tweeted that!

02:36:38.000 The president, that's fucking hilarious!

02:36:40.000 It's funny, and then you're also like, oh, come on, why are you president?

02:36:45.000 Like, anytime he holds up a graph of any sort, I'm just like, this is great.

02:36:49.000 There's no Y-axis, you know?

02:36:51.000 Like, it's always stuff where you're just like, this is amazing.

02:36:54.000 Why are you president?

02:36:55.000 Yeah.

02:36:55.000 I don't know if there's a better person to represent how crazy today is, though.

02:37:02.000 Yeah.

02:37:02.000 Like, if you wanted to look at, like, the personification- Michelle Wolf, thank you very much.

02:37:10.000 Your Netflix special will be, by the time people hear this, a little bit out later today, but the actual special will be Tuesday night at midnight?

02:37:20.000 Midnight.

02:37:20.000 Midnight Pacific.

02:37:21.000 Midnight Monday night.

02:37:22.000 Midnight Monday night, yeah.

02:37:24.000 Right, so Tuesday, it's out.

02:37:26.000 So you can hear this.

02:37:26.000 It's out.

02:37:27.000 Most likely it's out.

02:37:28.000 Go get it.

02:37:28.000 Go get it, bitches.

02:37:29.000 Thanks.

02:37:30.000 Thank you.

02:37:30.000 Thanks for having me.

02:37:31.000 It was fun.

02:37:31.000 I loved it.

The Joe Rogan Experience - December 09, 2019

Joe Rogan Experience #1396 - Michelle Wolf

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