The Joe Rogan Experience - Joe Rogan Experience #1405

00:00:05.000 Yeah, 100% Spanish.

00:00:26.000 I brought back these Cuban cigars.

00:00:28.000 Wow.

00:00:28.000 Yeah, in Colombia.

00:00:30.000 Did you have any Spanish-speaking lessons before you went to Colombia?

00:00:33.000 Cero.

00:00:34.000 You know what that means?

00:00:36.000 It sounds like zero.

00:00:37.000 It does sound like zero.

00:00:38.000 It's a pretty close language.

00:00:40.000 A lot of it's pretty close.

00:00:41.000 So zero?

00:00:42.000 I had nothing.

00:00:43.000 Cero is zero?

00:00:44.000 Yo hablo español también.

00:00:45.000 Claro.

00:00:47.000 All right.

00:00:47.000 Tom, you're doing a podcast.

00:00:49.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:00:50.000 This is his Me Too back party.

00:00:53.000 Like, when Tom gets Me Too'd in America, he's going to go run.

00:00:56.000 I don't care.

00:01:00.000 I'm setting up the escape plan right now, man.

00:01:03.000 The other countries are like, what's the problem?

00:01:05.000 The Latin countries would have no problem.

00:01:07.000 I've had this conversation multiple times.

00:01:11.000 Latin people are like, me what?

00:01:13.000 No, no, no.

00:01:15.000 We were talking to his cousin who lives in Peru.

00:01:18.000 He called his cousin, and there's a term Latinx, which is not Latino or Latina.

00:01:24.000 It's a gender-neutral way of saying Latinx.

00:01:27.000 And he says to his cousin in Spanish, you know, ¿tu sabe Latinx?

00:01:32.000 And he's like, oh, maricón?

00:01:37.000 He goes, he's like...

00:01:41.000 He goes, what?

00:01:42.000 I'm like, you know, it's a gender neutral.

00:01:44.000 So you're saying, he goes, like a faggot?

00:01:47.000 I'm like, that's not exactly what I'm saying.

00:01:51.000 My teacher, we were talking about like parents, something like that, and there was like, the word for parents is just like...

00:01:57.000 Fathers, pretty much.

00:01:58.000 So then it's like, what if you have two mothers?

00:02:01.000 Do you call it madres as parents?

00:02:03.000 Instead of like, you know, if it's just father, it's padre.

00:02:06.000 If it's just mother, it's madre.

00:02:07.000 But if it's parents, it's padres.

00:02:09.000 Right.

00:02:10.000 So I'm like, do you, if it's just okay.

00:02:11.000 And she was like, no, still padres.

00:02:13.000 And then, you know, that's okay these days.

00:02:17.000 It's okay with her being as poor as she can be.

00:02:19.000 Like, that's fine, though.

00:02:22.000 What country do you think is most in the dark ages with wokeness?

00:02:26.000 Russia.

00:02:27.000 Oh, yeah.

00:02:28.000 Russia, they make laws about gay people.

00:02:31.000 They did for the Olympics.

00:02:33.000 Iran has, according to their leader, 0% homosexual population.

00:02:38.000 Yeah, Iran's worse than Russia because Russia has...

00:02:42.000 People that are outside of the control of the government that are just freely speaking, that are talking about homosexual problems and like Pussy Riot.

00:02:51.000 Remember when Pussy Riot was getting...

00:02:53.000 A lot of shit.

00:02:53.000 Yeah.

00:02:54.000 They're fucking hot.

00:02:55.000 You like that?

00:02:56.000 Yeah, I gotta think about that.

00:02:57.000 Make them dirty.

00:02:58.000 Arrested chicks right out of jail.

00:03:00.000 Russia doesn't fuck around, dude.

00:03:02.000 No, they don't fuck around.

00:03:03.000 They don't fuck around.

00:03:03.000 At all.

00:03:04.000 You know, there's a kind of a, I don't know, selling point from them that they're trying to be progressive thinkers.

00:03:15.000 Some of them will disguise it as that, but they're definitely not fucking around, dude.

00:03:19.000 Someone from Russia, some government agency, made a tweet about freedom of the press.

00:03:24.000 What did they say?

00:03:25.000 About respecting the press and appreciating the press.

00:03:30.000 And someone, some journal said, this is a country that has literally, like this administration, has literally been responsible for murders of dozens of people that are journalists.

00:03:42.000 Yeah.

00:03:42.000 Like, when people would report on them, or people would, running against certain members of the government, they would just whack them.

00:03:50.000 Sure.

00:03:50.000 In broad daylight.

00:03:51.000 And even more disappearances, which is slang for murders.

00:03:55.000 Yeah.

00:03:55.000 You know, like, that person's just gone.

00:03:57.000 We haven't seen them.

00:03:57.000 We just don't want to explain it, so they, I don't know.

00:03:59.000 I can't wait to go back and see how much it's changed.

00:04:03.000 Are you going back?

00:04:04.000 Yeah, I'm doing a tour there.

00:04:05.000 Oh, Jesus Christ.

00:04:06.000 They're going to kidnap you for sure.

00:04:07.000 My kids are like, we want to go too.

00:04:08.000 I was like, fuck that.

00:04:10.000 But to hang out with Russian guys and ask them questions that I asked when I was in college.

00:04:15.000 I remember asking them about black people and they were like, oh, no, no, no.

00:04:19.000 They can't be here.

00:04:20.000 Roy Jones Jr. is a Russian citizen.

00:04:23.000 Roy Jones Jr.?

00:04:24.000 No, like a legit Russian citizen.

00:04:28.000 This was 1995, just to be fair.

00:04:30.000 Roy Jones Jr. has been going over to Russia for a long time.

00:04:33.000 He's a giant star over there.

00:04:35.000 They love him.

00:04:36.000 Are you fucking serious?

00:04:37.000 Totally serious.

00:04:38.000 I'm thinking of Roy Woods.

00:04:40.000 Roy Woods.

00:04:40.000 It's a comic?

00:04:42.000 I'm like, what the fuck?

00:04:43.000 How hilarious.

00:04:46.000 Look at it.

00:04:48.000 Roy Jones Jr. with Putin.

00:04:50.000 He looks like Putin's shaking his hand too hard.

00:04:52.000 He's trying to get it away.

00:04:54.000 Maybe.

00:04:54.000 Perhaps.

00:04:55.000 I don't think so.

00:04:56.000 But he's over there all the time.

00:04:57.000 He's got a fucking Russian passport.

00:04:58.000 No shit.

00:05:00.000 I'd like that.

00:05:01.000 Listen, dude.

00:05:01.000 They threw that AAA punana at him.

00:05:05.000 That AAA Russian punana.

00:05:06.000 That's that smile.

00:05:07.000 Look at him smiling.

00:05:09.000 Yeah.

00:05:10.000 Yeah, he knows.

00:05:11.000 He's fought over there a bunch of times, too.

00:05:13.000 Fought over there fairly recently.

00:05:15.000 How long are you going to be there for, Brad?

00:05:16.000 I don't know.

00:05:17.000 Just like two weeks, maybe?

00:05:18.000 I don't know.

00:05:20.000 You going to do shows?

00:05:21.000 Yeah.

00:05:22.000 I'm excited.

00:05:23.000 I'm going to bring a film crew.

00:05:23.000 Schultz did a bunch of shows there.

00:05:24.000 Who did?

00:05:25.000 Andrew Schultz.

00:05:26.000 Did he?

00:05:26.000 In Russia?

00:05:27.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:05:27.000 He put some of it online.

00:05:29.000 It was hilarious.

00:05:30.000 I bet Gaffigan has, too.

00:05:32.000 He's done shows fucking everywhere.

00:05:34.000 Has he?

00:05:34.000 Nobody plays more places than Jim Gaffigan.

00:05:36.000 Yeah, he just announced that he's doing a Latin American tour.

00:05:39.000 No shit.

00:05:40.000 In English, yeah.

00:05:41.000 Of course.

00:05:42.000 He goes everywhere.

00:05:42.000 Everywhere.

00:05:43.000 Wow.

00:05:44.000 Dude, what's the guy that ran 25 marathons in 25 days?

00:05:47.000 Eddie Izzard?

00:05:48.000 Eddie Izzard did shows in German and doesn't speak German.

00:05:51.000 He did that in French, too.

00:05:52.000 He just memorized the language.

00:05:53.000 He just memorized how the words would go.

00:05:55.000 Whoa.

00:05:56.000 I've been trying to tell the machine in Spanish, and I know Spanish, but it's fucking still hard as fuck.

00:06:01.000 Eddie Izzard is a savage.

00:06:03.000 Do you want to know what it takes to run 26 marathons in a row when you don't even run?

00:06:08.000 Day after day?

00:06:09.000 Day after day.

00:06:10.000 I mean, there's videos of it where they show his feet, where he takes his socks off.

00:06:14.000 Literally, his skin is falling off the meat.

00:06:17.000 I mean, his skin is raw and open, and they're taping it up and bandaging shit.

00:06:22.000 I mean, he can't even stand.

00:06:24.000 And he's running 26 miles every fucking day.

00:06:27.000 That's a different mindset.

00:06:28.000 Just from Will.

00:06:29.000 He's a really interesting guy.

00:06:31.000 I had him in on the podcast.

00:06:32.000 He's in full woman's regalia, but he says, but I fancy the ladies.

00:06:38.000 He fancies girls.

00:06:39.000 He just likes dressing like a woman, but he's a man.

00:06:42.000 But he's transgender.

00:06:44.000 He stopped for a while, too.

00:06:46.000 He dressed like that, then he stopped dressing like that.

00:06:47.000 He does whatever the fuck he wants, man.

00:06:49.000 I love that guy.

00:06:51.000 I really like him, too.

00:06:52.000 I really like talking to him.

00:06:54.000 He's an interesting guy.

00:06:55.000 He's a brilliant dude.

00:06:55.000 A really smart dude.

00:06:57.000 Yeah, but also the kind of will that you have to have.

00:07:00.000 Yeah, that's what stands out, to do that.

00:07:02.000 Why would you do that?

00:07:04.000 It's an animal.

00:07:05.000 But he did, and he also wasn't at charity, right?

00:07:07.000 He did that, and he did one in South Africa.

00:07:10.000 It was an area where he wanted to run.

00:07:12.000 Like, listen to me.

00:07:13.000 If you run through there, they're going to kill you.

00:07:16.000 Like, you can't run through there.

00:07:17.000 We're going to pick you up in a car, we're going to take you past that, and then we're going to follow you in cars.

00:07:21.000 We can't even be with you in a car while you're running, or they'll kill you.

00:07:26.000 What?

00:07:28.000 In South Africa?

00:07:29.000 Yes.

00:07:30.000 Bro, there's parts of South Africa that are rough.

00:07:32.000 Yeah, you think?

00:07:34.000 I've been to those.

00:07:35.000 Apparently, carjacking down there is just out of fucking control.

00:07:39.000 Bro, we were in South Africa.

00:07:40.000 There he is.

00:07:41.000 We spent the night in a shantytown.

00:07:43.000 I went in and I brought soccer balls.

00:07:45.000 I bought like 40 soccer balls for all the kids, right?

00:07:47.000 Because we were going to play soccer with them.

00:07:48.000 So I bought a big truck full of soccer balls.

00:07:50.000 It was on Travel Channel.

00:07:51.000 I roll in with like 40 fucking soccer balls.

00:07:55.000 And their coach loses his fucking mind.

00:07:57.000 Just shy of hitting me with a machete.

00:07:59.000 He's like, what the fuck are you doing?

00:08:01.000 You're going to give every kid that's in here a soccer ball?

00:08:04.000 He's going to all get fucking murdered on the way home because someone will kill them for their soccer ball.

00:08:07.000 And I was like, sorry.

00:08:09.000 And he's like, take them the fuck out of here.

00:08:11.000 So then we spent the night, right?

00:08:12.000 Murdered for a soccer ball.

00:08:14.000 Dude, it's a shanty town.

00:08:15.000 Soccer balls got value there.

00:08:16.000 Especially, think of all the, I mean, we spend the night, we party that night, some, one of the, it was like one of these.

00:08:23.000 Wait a minute, this story just got weird.

00:08:25.000 We're partying with the kids.

00:08:26.000 No, no, no, no.

00:08:27.000 In the shanty town.

00:08:29.000 It was fucking crazy, dude.

00:08:30.000 It was like at a belly.

00:08:32.000 Everyone's sweaty, everyone's dark, dark, dark.

00:08:35.000 It was fucking badass.

00:08:36.000 Did you get malaria?

00:08:37.000 No, I was on those pills.

00:08:39.000 I was dreaming crazy.

00:08:40.000 We woke up the next day, right?

00:08:41.000 I'm outside having coffee in my little shanty thing.

00:08:44.000 Guy comes sprinting down the street and a mob is chasing him.

00:08:49.000 And I'm like, what the fuck?

00:08:50.000 And our handler's like, oh yeah.

00:08:53.000 And I go, what?

00:08:54.000 And he goes, I heard about this.

00:08:55.000 He stole a pillow.

00:08:56.000 And I was like, you stole a pillow?

00:08:58.000 And I'm like, yeah, you stole a pillow.

00:08:59.000 Don't worry, they'll get him.

00:09:00.000 They're gonna necklace him.

00:09:01.000 I go, what?

00:09:02.000 And he goes, there's justice here.

00:09:03.000 They put a tire around his neck and light him on fire.

00:09:05.000 I go, for a fucking pillow?

00:09:07.000 I was like, alright, wrap it.

00:09:09.000 We're done.

00:09:09.000 I'm getting the fuck out of here.

00:09:11.000 I'm not spending another second here.

00:09:13.000 Why would you risk...

00:09:15.000 That for a pillow.

00:09:16.000 Just fold your arm under it.

00:09:18.000 Have you ever had like a great pillow though?

00:09:19.000 Like when they're...

00:09:20.000 And they remember you?

00:09:22.000 Those air memory foam ones?

00:09:24.000 Yeah, but they don't have too much give.

00:09:26.000 They're not too strong.

00:09:28.000 And you go like, I'm not leaving this pillow for shit.

00:09:30.000 I'll take it back.

00:09:31.000 If someone steals this pillow from me, I'm lighting them on fire.

00:09:34.000 I see both sides now.

00:09:36.000 Yeah.

00:09:37.000 Brazil was sketchy.

00:09:38.000 We went into the favelas in Brazil and got lost at sunset.

00:09:43.000 What?

00:09:43.000 What are you doing?

00:09:44.000 It's a travel channel.

00:09:45.000 Beautiful way to die.

00:09:47.000 We took motorcycles up.

00:09:49.000 We took motorcycles up, and then we weren't taking them back down, so we gave guys on motorcycles our helmets, and they were fucking through the roof.

00:09:55.000 As soon as we gave them our helmets, you could see their attitude change, and they were like, don't stay up here.

00:10:00.000 And we're like, what?

00:10:01.000 And they're like, no matter what they say, don't stay up here.

00:10:03.000 We're going to spend the night.

00:10:04.000 Oh!

00:10:05.000 In the favelas?

00:10:06.000 In the favela, yeah.

00:10:06.000 They have a great...

00:10:08.000 There's one favela...

00:10:10.000 Five-star luxury hotel?

00:10:11.000 No, they have a great hotel in the favela that, like...

00:10:14.000 Man, someone would...

00:10:15.000 If you had done this traveling, you'd remember more.

00:10:18.000 I don't even remember shit about Travel Channel.

00:10:20.000 Because we were doing so much different shit.

00:10:22.000 And you were drunk.

00:10:23.000 Yeah.

00:10:23.000 I was hammered in this favela.

00:10:25.000 It was fucking awesome, dude.

00:10:27.000 You're just not supposed to go there.

00:10:28.000 No, we went in and we got lost and we found this soccer game with these kids.

00:10:32.000 And it was like the buildings started...

00:10:35.000 This is with a camera crew?

00:10:36.000 No, we didn't have a camera crew because we got lost.

00:10:38.000 Me and the two travelers got lost.

00:10:39.000 Oh, Jesus.

00:10:40.000 He brought guests?

00:10:41.000 Yeah.

00:10:42.000 And they're like, we're going to be fine.

00:10:44.000 We're on TV. They don't know what a fucking favela is.

00:10:46.000 No, they're not.

00:10:48.000 They're from Indiana.

00:10:49.000 We're fine!

00:10:51.000 Everything's fine!

00:10:52.000 They're from Denver.

00:10:53.000 Bert's our friend!

00:10:53.000 I can't believe we're on TV! Yeah, and then the camera crew found us and they filmed us playing soccer with the kids and then they're like, hey, we gotta get the fuck out.

00:11:01.000 And I was like, no, let's go back to the hotel.

00:11:03.000 We're back to the hotel.

00:11:04.000 Best view of Brazil you'll ever get.

00:11:06.000 It's on the mountain, right?

00:11:07.000 It's the best view of Brazil.

00:11:08.000 That's the weird thing about the favelas.

00:11:10.000 It's like the Hollywood Hills.

00:11:11.000 They're above looking down at this beautiful village.

00:11:15.000 We went for real with the UFC. And they were like, do not go there.

00:11:19.000 Do not go there.

00:11:22.000 Yeah, do not.

00:11:22.000 Yeah, and then we didn't, and then Jon Jones was up there the whole weekend.

00:11:26.000 He was?

00:11:27.000 Yeah.

00:11:29.000 He's dancing after a good time.

00:11:31.000 It was before he was the champ, I think.

00:11:32.000 Just hanging out?

00:11:33.000 No, he was the champ.

00:11:34.000 He was already the champ?

00:11:35.000 Yeah, he was just hanging there.

00:11:36.000 Fuck, man.

00:11:37.000 I guess he thought he could beat him in a one-on-one.

00:11:39.000 Did you stay in a nice place in Medellin?

00:11:43.000 Yeah.

00:11:43.000 With a balcony.

00:11:44.000 Oh, in Medellin?

00:11:45.000 Yeah.

00:11:45.000 No, it's a homestay.

00:11:46.000 Oh.

00:11:46.000 With a family.

00:11:47.000 Oh, wow.

00:11:48.000 Wow.

00:11:48.000 What a lucky family.

00:11:49.000 Wow.

00:11:50.000 Immersion.

00:11:51.000 Full immersion, huh?

00:11:52.000 Yeah, full immersion.

00:11:53.000 And then Sobrino.

00:11:55.000 So how good is your Spanish now?

00:11:56.000 Is it passable?

00:11:57.000 Can you go somewhere and talk to people?

00:11:59.000 So I could order food.

00:12:00.000 I could ask where the bus is.

00:12:02.000 Are you going to continue this education?

00:12:04.000 Are you going to take classes?

00:12:05.000 Yeah, I want to eventually, next time I take a sabbatical, I want to go through South America for a while.

00:12:09.000 Damn, son.

00:12:10.000 Looking to get killed.

00:12:12.000 It's safe.

00:12:12.000 Medi is super safe now.

00:12:14.000 Is it?

00:12:14.000 Yeah.

00:12:15.000 Parts of it are really poor.

00:12:16.000 Oh, that's my picture.

00:12:20.000 That's hilarious.

00:12:22.000 That's your own picture.

00:12:23.000 You're like, what the fuck?

00:12:25.000 It says Ari Sphere hashtag.

00:12:28.000 I like that the second comment is bird is fat.

00:12:30.000 Hashtag baby Jesus.

00:12:31.000 The second comment is bird is fat.

00:12:34.000 And narc.

00:12:40.000 That's hilarious, man.

00:12:42.000 We went to the cathedral.

00:12:45.000 I like that there was some reason for you to text.

00:12:48.000 We were all reading your text.

00:12:49.000 What the fuck kind of bit is this?

00:12:51.000 What are you doing?

00:12:52.000 I don't know what this joke is.

00:12:54.000 I don't like it.

00:12:56.000 Yeah, I was in an immersion.

00:12:58.000 I had to try to speak no English as much as I could.

00:13:00.000 That's interesting, man.

00:13:01.000 It's fun doing that kind of shit.

00:13:02.000 Yeah, it was really cool.

00:13:04.000 That's the way to do it, man.

00:13:05.000 And it was like, I was always off balance.

00:13:07.000 They were like speaking about grammatical shit.

00:13:09.000 And I was like, and first of all, I haven't been in school for 25 years.

00:13:13.000 Yeah.

00:13:13.000 So even just that alone was difficult.

00:13:15.000 Tell us about this family that was blessed enough to have you stay with them for a month.

00:13:20.000 And Adriana and their sobrino jumped out.

00:13:29.000 Yeah, it was weird.

00:13:30.000 The first day I got there, we just sat there and like stared at each other.

00:13:33.000 I had nothing.

00:13:34.000 So why did they let you in?

00:13:36.000 The homestay?

00:13:37.000 Yeah.

00:13:37.000 They make money through the school.

00:13:39.000 The school finds homestays for people that are like...

00:13:41.000 And they just do a background check on you, or no?

00:13:44.000 No.

00:13:45.000 Joe, Joe, no.

00:13:46.000 Clearly no.

00:13:47.000 That's what I'm saying.

00:13:47.000 They didn't even fucking Google him, apparently.

00:13:49.000 They're like, ¿Cómo está, Molly?

00:13:52.000 Molly?

00:13:53.000 ¿Cómo se dice Rufy?

00:13:57.000 ¿Cómo se dice Yo También?

00:13:59.000 ¿Or Me Too?

00:14:00.000 No.

00:14:04.000 I didn't even have time for drugs.

00:14:05.000 When I went, people were like, are you going to find cocaine?

00:14:07.000 I was like, I guess I should, but it was like 9am every night.

00:14:09.000 I didn't have time for drugs.

00:14:10.000 That's hilarious.

00:14:11.000 You had to go into the other parts.

00:14:13.000 Did you visit some Escobar shit?

00:14:16.000 Yeah, the cathedral.

00:14:17.000 There's a big hike that starts where his prison was.

00:14:20.000 And there's an old age home there now.

00:14:21.000 And they have signs up there.

00:14:23.000 And it was like, this has nothing to do with him.

00:14:24.000 You shouldn't be visiting here anyway.

00:14:26.000 He was a garbage man who fucking killed a bunch of people.

00:14:28.000 And he goes, and you're awful tourists.

00:14:30.000 You leave trash everywhere.

00:14:31.000 There's like signs made for that.

00:14:32.000 Whoa.

00:14:34.000 You call this culture in your country where you leave trash?

00:14:38.000 Narcos must have changed everything for them, right?

00:14:41.000 It became glamorous, almost like Tony Montana.

00:14:43.000 That guy who played it, what is that guy's name who played Escobar in Narcos?

00:14:49.000 He's a Brazilian actor.

00:14:51.000 Yeah, they got mad that he wasn't Colombian.

00:14:53.000 He's fucking great.

00:14:54.000 Find you a Colombian guy.

00:14:56.000 That dude didn't speak Spanish when he took that role.

00:14:59.000 Oh, sorry, Portuguese.

00:15:00.000 He only spoke Portuguese.

00:15:01.000 So close, though.

00:15:02.000 Yeah, but I mean, like, you can...

00:15:05.000 It's not even close at all!

00:15:05.000 It is close!

00:15:06.000 Not even remotely!

00:15:07.000 No, I have Brazilian friends who can speak a little bit of passable Spanish.

00:15:09.000 You can pick up on some things.

00:15:11.000 For real, I feel like Italian is closer to Spanish than Portuguese.

00:15:14.000 Italian is definitely closer than Portuguese.

00:15:16.000 Is it?

00:15:16.000 Yeah, Portuguese is almost Asian.

00:15:17.000 Oh, Italian is close to Spanish.

00:15:18.000 Because I took both in college.

00:15:20.000 I don't think Portuguese is a Latin language.

00:15:22.000 It is a Latin language.

00:15:23.000 It is a Latin language.

00:15:23.000 For real?

00:15:24.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:15:25.000 For sure.

00:15:26.000 But it's definitely...

00:15:27.000 If someone gets going in Portuguese and speaks Spanish, you definitely don't understand a fucking thing.

00:15:32.000 Portuguese is beautiful.

00:15:33.000 They have such a song to it.

00:15:36.000 I always love listening to Brazilian guys talk.

00:15:41.000 There's his name.

00:15:42.000 Wagner Moura.

00:15:44.000 That sounds Portuguese.

00:15:45.000 Dude, the guy who played...

00:15:46.000 Season 1, you hear him speak?

00:15:48.000 You note that he definitely has an accent.

00:15:51.000 Oh, a heavy non-Spanish accent.

00:15:54.000 Season two, he definitely got better.

00:15:56.000 You could tell he's been speaking for a while.

00:15:58.000 Did you hear the location scout for Narcos got killed by the cartel?

00:16:02.000 Wasn't that for the third season?

00:16:04.000 Maybe.

00:16:04.000 For the Mexican season?

00:16:05.000 That's right, the Mexican one.

00:16:06.000 Because the Mexicans are not fucking around either.

00:16:09.000 They're not playing games.

00:16:09.000 They're like, what?

00:16:10.000 You guys think Russians do shit?

00:16:12.000 Check us out.

00:16:14.000 What was that a few weeks ago?

00:16:18.000 The Mormons.

00:16:20.000 There's a couple of Mormon colonies that left America in the 1800s when they made polygamy illegal.

00:16:28.000 Including, by the way, homeboy from fucking Massachusetts.

00:16:32.000 The guy running for president.

00:16:33.000 What the fuck's his name?

00:16:35.000 It's on the tip of my tongue.

00:16:36.000 Mitt Romney.

00:16:38.000 Mitt Romney's father.

00:16:41.000 Was a brilliant guy but could never be president because he was born in Mexico.

00:16:45.000 Mitt Romney's family's from Mexico.

00:16:46.000 Because they're part of the original clan that left.

00:16:49.000 The clan of Mormons.

00:16:50.000 They wanted to fuck 80 wives.

00:16:52.000 And so they moved across the border and they developed these colonies.

00:16:55.000 And so they literally have armed guards to stop them from the cartel.

00:17:00.000 And the cartel just assassinated these women and children.

00:17:05.000 Fuck, man.

00:17:06.000 Nine people just gunned them down.

00:17:08.000 Yeah.

00:17:09.000 The guy, Popeye, from that show, one of the murderers, he's still out and does tours of the cathedral and all those places, and he will put a gun to your head, a loaded gun, and let you take a picture.

00:17:23.000 He killed so many people.

00:17:25.000 So, so many people.

00:17:27.000 He did a full turn.

00:17:28.000 Who the fuck is taking a gun selfie with that guy?

00:17:30.000 Oh, he's a celebrity there.

00:17:32.000 When I was in Australia, I was fucking wasted, and I came out of some bar.

00:17:35.000 I was with my...

00:17:37.000 Tour manager, really a buddy, he's a Hell's Angel guy.

00:17:40.000 I'm fucking stumbling out of a bar.

00:17:43.000 And this guy comes up with a gun.

00:17:44.000 And he goes, hey Bert, can you take a picture of holding a gun to my head?

00:17:47.000 And I was like, yeah.

00:17:48.000 I just took a picture of holding a gun to his head.

00:17:50.000 My tour manager was like, what the fuck are you doing?

00:17:52.000 And I was like, I don't know.

00:17:54.000 I just fucking left.

00:17:55.000 There will be a picture of me holding a gun to someone's head.

00:17:58.000 He's like, don't worry, it's not loaded.

00:18:00.000 And I'm like, it's your fucking head, man.

00:18:01.000 You're like, I didn't care.

00:18:02.000 I was so fucking wasted.

00:18:04.000 Jesus Christ.

00:18:06.000 They actually made a whole series about Popeye.

00:18:08.000 About Popeye?

00:18:09.000 You can see it on Netflix.

00:18:10.000 Just about that guy?

00:18:11.000 Yeah, but it's a dramatization.

00:18:14.000 That's the guy?

00:18:15.000 That's the real guy, yeah.

00:18:16.000 That's the real guy.

00:18:17.000 On one of the pieces of glass, he signed Popeye in the dust.

00:18:20.000 So he was Escobar's right-hand man.

00:18:24.000 And he's got 1.18 million subscribers?

00:18:27.000 Yeah.

00:18:28.000 Oh my God.

00:18:29.000 He's in jail right now.

00:18:30.000 I just Googled it.

00:18:30.000 Right now?

00:18:31.000 He's back?

00:18:32.000 He got arrested in May.

00:18:33.000 I don't know.

00:18:33.000 Oh, but he's been out for a while.

00:18:35.000 He served like 15, 20 years in Colombian prison, which is like a fucking...

00:18:43.000 Unless you're in prison with Escobar.

00:18:46.000 Well, that's the thing.

00:18:48.000 That was a different thing.

00:18:49.000 He did that too.

00:18:50.000 He was in the cathedral.

00:18:52.000 So that cathedral, great view.

00:18:54.000 Yeah.

00:18:55.000 It's awesome.

00:18:56.000 He built this amazing jail.

00:18:58.000 Dude, he would bring in...

00:19:00.000 A helicopter pad?

00:19:01.000 He would bring in the Colombian national soccer team and be like, play with me today.

00:19:05.000 And they were like, okay.

00:19:07.000 Because if we don't, that's a problem.

00:19:10.000 We'll die!

00:19:11.000 So the national team would just play.

00:19:13.000 It'd be like, I want the Lakers here now.

00:19:15.000 And they're like, they're here, ready to play.

00:19:17.000 They are, they're ready.

00:19:18.000 They had a game tonight, but they canceled it.

00:19:20.000 Did you guys see what happened with the cartel in Mexico where they had El Chapo's son, they had him arrested, and then the fucking cartel got in a shootout with the Mexican military.

00:19:29.000 That was this year.

00:19:29.000 Yeah, and they released him.

00:19:31.000 Yeah, that's how strong.

00:19:33.000 At some point you gotta be like, this isn't worth it.

00:19:36.000 Yeah.

00:19:37.000 Well, what was really crazy, you know, I've got this guy, Ed Calderon, who's been on my podcast before.

00:19:41.000 He's coming on again.

00:19:42.000 He's one of the guys that works with the Mexican military to deal with situations that are caused by the cartel.

00:19:48.000 And he said that there was a situation with Trump, because Trump was saying that they were going to treat the Mexican cartel like a terrorist organization.

00:19:56.000 And they were going to literally, because those Mormons got killed, and they were going to start literally a military operation to go after the cartel.

00:20:05.000 So this is at least on the table.

00:20:07.000 This is on the table.

00:20:07.000 At least on the table.

00:20:08.000 And they were talked out of it by the Mexican government.

00:20:12.000 I wonder what type of firepower they actually have.

00:20:18.000 They must have tanks.

00:20:20.000 But what more?

00:20:22.000 People think, well, they definitely have some big guns.

00:20:24.000 They have everything.

00:20:25.000 I bet they have shit that you...

00:20:27.000 They have billions and billions of dollars.

00:20:30.000 Billions of dollars.

00:20:31.000 Hundreds of billions of dollars.

00:20:33.000 Who knows how much money they have?

00:20:35.000 I mean, imagine if you're like the middleman between the cartel and, you know, whatever, Saudi arms dealer, and you're just like, we can't sell you stuff, and they're like, here's fucking $16 billion.

00:20:46.000 Bro, how crazy is Sean Penn?

00:20:48.000 I was just thinking that.

00:20:49.000 Sean Penn went down there to write an article for Rolling Stone, went and met with El Chapo, and he's one of the reasons why El Chapo got caught, right?

00:20:57.000 He's the reason El Chapo got caught.

00:20:58.000 Oh, yeah.

00:21:00.000 Bro.

00:21:01.000 What do you mean the reason he got caught?

00:21:02.000 Because they followed him.

00:21:05.000 He went with the actress.

00:21:07.000 El Chapo loved this Mexican actress.

00:21:10.000 And he was like, I want to meet her.

00:21:11.000 Look at him, he's palling around with El Chapo.

00:21:13.000 Dude, I want that shit so bad.

00:21:15.000 I would love to meet Kim Jong-un like that.

00:21:17.000 You gotta get that shirt.

00:21:18.000 You could totally pull that shirt off.

00:21:20.000 I could definitely pull that shirt off.

00:21:21.000 Did you ever see when Conor McGregor bought that same shirt and was taking pictures?

00:21:25.000 He was with that same pose.

00:21:27.000 Really?

00:21:28.000 Connor was doing the same pose and not telling anyone.

00:21:32.000 And so everybody had to figure out what the fuck Connor was doing.

00:21:35.000 Look at him.

00:21:41.000 Look at his face!

00:21:42.000 That might be my favorite thing ever!

00:21:44.000 He's just a fucking animal.

00:21:46.000 Goddamn, I love that guy.

00:21:48.000 Come on, man.

00:21:50.000 Pretty fucking close.

00:21:50.000 There's nothing better in the world than a joke that no one gets but you.

00:21:54.000 He wasn't explaining it at all.

00:21:56.000 And people picked up on it.

00:21:58.000 It's just the handshake thing.

00:22:00.000 I mean, Connor is normally putting his fist in people's faces and talking shit.

00:22:05.000 And in that one, he's got his hand out like he's going to shake hands.

00:22:08.000 Look at the same thing.

00:22:09.000 He's holding his hand out and Dos Anos isn't even thinking about shaking his hand.

00:22:13.000 He's not even looking to get his hand shaking.

00:22:15.000 Look at Dana White.

00:22:15.000 Dana White's going, I'm going to make so much money.

00:22:17.000 Oh my god, I'm going to make so much money for this.

00:22:19.000 Didn't Conor McGregor's fight already sell out?

00:22:22.000 The cowboy fight?

00:22:24.000 Yeah, sure.

00:22:24.000 Sold out $10 million at the gate.

00:22:26.000 Sure, you guys want to go?

00:22:27.000 Yes, yes, yes.

00:22:28.000 I'll get up.

00:22:29.000 January 18th.

00:22:31.000 Ooh, is it a week?

00:22:32.000 I'm free on the 18th.

00:22:33.000 You know what?

00:22:34.000 I could cancel Australia.

00:22:35.000 Jamie's going.

00:22:36.000 Jamie, you're going, right?

00:22:37.000 You should cancel Australia.

00:22:39.000 This is the one thing I'm going to take up on.

00:22:41.000 I definitely want to go for the first time.

00:22:43.000 No, no, I've been before.

00:22:44.000 You're wet, finally.

00:22:45.000 Yeah.

00:22:45.000 Oh, dude.

00:22:46.000 Please cancel Australia.

00:22:47.000 You should only cancel Australia.

00:22:49.000 You should never do it.

00:22:50.000 And every two years, plan a tour and then cancel it.

00:22:52.000 I get so many messages.

00:22:54.000 When is your shows in Australia?

00:22:56.000 I leave here the 14th.

00:22:58.000 Why don't you move them?

00:23:00.000 Yeah.

00:23:01.000 Just make a call to your agent.

00:23:03.000 That's why we have agents, right?

00:23:04.000 Listen, it's another country.

00:23:05.000 They won't even notice.

00:23:06.000 That's true.

00:23:07.000 They don't watch this, right?

00:23:08.000 No.

00:23:09.000 All right.

00:23:11.000 Birdie Boy World Tour picks up January 30th, everybody.

00:23:14.000 New material.

00:23:15.000 Why Birdie Boy?

00:23:15.000 What is Birdie Boy?

00:23:15.000 That's what my kids call me.

00:23:16.000 Oh, that's cute.

00:23:17.000 My kids and my wife, everyone calls me Birdie Boy.

00:23:19.000 Oh, Birdie Boy.

00:23:20.000 Yeah.

00:23:20.000 Just put tickets, added shows, everyone.

00:23:22.000 Go to burperburt.com.

00:23:24.000 Look at that.

00:23:24.000 It was a plug.

00:23:25.000 We didn't even see it coming.

00:23:27.000 Tom was better with his plug about Australia.

00:23:29.000 Good job, buddy.

00:23:30.000 Still got his little tickets on.

00:23:31.000 It's been sold out for a while.

00:23:33.000 That dance video didn't hurt, did it?

00:23:37.000 How did you respond when you saw yourself get stabbed?

00:23:40.000 I was a little confused, and then I was like, I was like, was that me?

00:23:46.000 It was very aggressive.

00:23:48.000 Very aggressive.

00:23:48.000 I didn't understand the carrot either.

00:23:50.000 What was up with the carrot?

00:23:51.000 It's from Steven Seagal.

00:23:53.000 That's who I was dressed as.

00:23:54.000 I know that.

00:23:55.000 The president of Belarus gave him a carrot.

00:23:57.000 It's like the Connor thing.

00:23:58.000 The president of Belarus gave him a carrot one time, and then Seagal just ate it.

00:24:04.000 It's just weird.

00:24:06.000 You had the same outfit and everything, the fucking hair, the glasses.

00:24:10.000 The fucking jet black hair.

00:24:12.000 That hair is so ridiculous.

00:24:14.000 It's like 62 in this film.

00:24:15.000 Do you remember when we were in the whoops and you said, one day, Tom, your numbers were through the roof.

00:24:21.000 And he was like, I got lost in the canyons.

00:24:22.000 And you were filming the thing?

00:24:23.000 It was when he was filming and he was dancing all day.

00:24:26.000 Wow.

00:24:27.000 What's it called on WHOOP? It's your activity level.

00:24:30.000 19.8 that day.

00:24:32.000 It was 5,800 calories burned.

00:24:37.000 It was fucking...

00:24:38.000 It was killer.

00:24:39.000 Well, you remember that one day where I burned 6,000 calories?

00:24:41.000 You're like, what the fuck?

00:24:43.000 It's elk hunting.

00:24:44.000 Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:24:45.000 Just going up the mountains.

00:24:47.000 Just hauling gear.

00:24:48.000 10 hours a day.

00:24:49.000 That's how you got us in the strap the year before.

00:24:51.000 It was all day long.

00:24:52.000 Well, I got you because I'm a psycho.

00:24:54.000 Really.

00:24:54.000 I was going to get you no matter what.

00:24:57.000 I told you guys, you've got to be ready to die.

00:25:01.000 That's why we wanted you in the dance video.

00:25:02.000 We wanted to see what you would do.

00:25:04.000 Joe, I'm telling you right now.

00:25:07.000 You will...

00:25:09.000 You will break the two of us in half, crying, laughing.

00:25:13.000 If just one day, on your own, you film some dance video that's better than ours, you realize...

00:25:19.000 That's good.

00:25:21.000 Keep going like that.

00:25:22.000 And then surprise us.

00:25:23.000 Surprise us.

00:25:24.000 I like the way you're rolling it.

00:25:25.000 It's cute.

00:25:26.000 It's cute.

00:25:26.000 I laughed so hard.

00:25:27.000 Ari had a great idea.

00:25:29.000 About doing one?

00:25:30.000 Yeah.

00:25:31.000 Ari had a great idea of us recreating the scene from Dirty Dancing.

00:25:34.000 Me and him.

00:25:35.000 Beat for beat.

00:25:36.000 God.

00:25:37.000 That's exactly what we're talking about.

00:25:39.000 Yeah.

00:25:40.000 Just guys...

00:25:41.000 Just take a weekend.

00:25:42.000 It all takes a weekend.

00:25:44.000 Well, I would have to catch him.

00:25:45.000 He's not going to catch me.

00:25:46.000 No shit.

00:25:48.000 That's a lot of...

00:25:48.000 What do you weigh?

00:25:49.000 Like a buck seventy at least, right?

00:25:51.000 Yeah, around 75. So a buck 70 like that, that's a lot of weight, man.

00:25:55.000 You gotta be prepared.

00:25:56.000 I would have to train for that.

00:25:57.000 You have to train for it.

00:25:58.000 I'd have to do a lot of heavy kettlebells.

00:26:01.000 Because that's dead weight.

00:26:02.000 Here it is.

00:26:03.000 This is Ari.

00:26:06.000 Okay, this is awkward.

00:26:09.000 I'm crying laughing.

00:26:11.000 I'm crying laughing.

00:26:12.000 Oh, yeah.

00:26:12.000 This is going to be a problem no matter what because he's a foot taller than me.

00:26:15.000 You've got to wear that dress.

00:26:16.000 I already have the dress.

00:26:18.000 And the nose.

00:26:19.000 The nose is already Jewish.

00:26:21.000 The nose is close.

00:26:23.000 He'd kiss me though.

00:26:24.000 The problem is if we got that close, Ari would sneak in a kiss.

00:26:26.000 You definitely would.

00:26:27.000 And I'd throw up on his face.

00:26:28.000 Joe.

00:26:29.000 Joe.

00:26:30.000 Keep going.

00:26:30.000 Look at this.

00:26:32.000 You guys gotta do this.

00:26:34.000 Nope.

00:26:34.000 Not doing it.

00:26:35.000 Dude, I learned how to dance for that fucking Zookeeper movie.

00:26:37.000 It was a long two weeks of learning.

00:26:40.000 And I got to dance with Leslie Bibb, who's hot and cool.

00:26:44.000 I'm hot.

00:26:44.000 I'm cool.

00:26:45.000 You're cool.

00:26:46.000 Alright.

00:26:47.000 At least give me cool.

00:26:48.000 I wish Jennifer Grey didn't get her nose fixed.

00:26:50.000 Yeah.

00:26:51.000 Her and Renee Zellweger.

00:26:53.000 Renee Zellweger did some weird stuff, right?

00:26:55.000 She's a different human.

00:26:57.000 I don't know.

00:26:58.000 She was great in that fucking movie about Judy Garland.

00:27:01.000 I heard she was great.

00:27:02.000 Did you see Meg Ryan?

00:27:03.000 You know how she went away?

00:27:05.000 Oh, yeah.

00:27:05.000 Then you saw her, and then she looked totally different.

00:27:08.000 Totally different.

00:27:09.000 Horrible.

00:27:09.000 Once you do the lips, man.

00:27:09.000 No, she didn't look horrible.

00:27:11.000 She just looked so different.

00:27:12.000 She looked unrecognizable as herself.

00:27:15.000 Yeah, lips.

00:27:15.000 You do your lips.

00:27:16.000 The Fibonacci sequence is all off.

00:27:19.000 Yeah.

00:27:20.000 You look at someone's lips, their lips are off, you're like, hey, what the?

00:27:24.000 Like, I didn't know Eliza had a nose job.

00:27:26.000 She was explaining to me that she had a nose job, and I go, oh, well, it's a fucking good one.

00:27:30.000 So I paid a lot of money for it.

00:27:31.000 Yeah.

00:27:31.000 Wow, yeah.

00:27:32.000 See, this is what happens when women get the facelift, their mouth gets too big.

00:27:37.000 Right.

00:27:37.000 Yeah, because you're pulling your mouth on the sides.

00:27:40.000 So the hole is larger than your mouth.

00:27:43.000 Right?

00:27:44.000 So you have this...

00:27:44.000 Wow.

00:27:46.000 She was so beautiful.

00:27:47.000 She was so hot in the Presidio.

00:27:49.000 Is that like that right then?

00:27:50.000 No.

00:27:52.000 It's rough being a lady, man.

00:27:54.000 Because when you're a guy and you get older, you're just a guy who's older.

00:27:57.000 When you're a woman, all your power's gone.

00:28:00.000 All the doors are open for you because you're attractive.

00:28:04.000 You're beautiful.

00:28:05.000 And our plastic surgery works.

00:28:08.000 The guys that have plugs...

00:28:09.000 No, it doesn't.

00:28:09.000 No, hold on.

00:28:10.000 Bullshit.

00:28:10.000 The guys who have hair transplants today...

00:28:13.000 The new ones are crazy.

00:28:14.000 You cannot fucking tell.

00:28:15.000 Yeah, but it depends on your hair.

00:28:17.000 I have thin hair.

00:28:18.000 It's fine.

00:28:19.000 My hair is fine.

00:28:19.000 So when I got a hair transplant, even when I had it, it was still ratty.

00:28:23.000 And it kept falling out.

00:28:24.000 At a certain point in time, I had to make a decision.

00:28:26.000 That Bill Burbit where he's like, let's get it today.

00:28:28.000 Not 20 years ago when it looked like you got ant's legs stapled to your forehead.

00:28:33.000 I got it before that.

00:28:34.000 I mean, after that.

00:28:35.000 I didn't know you had them done before.

00:28:37.000 I have a scar in the back of my head, so I smile.

00:28:40.000 It's a public service announcement for anybody thinking about getting a hair transplant.

00:28:44.000 Look at my head.

00:28:44.000 Don't do that.

00:28:46.000 Tom's thinking about it.

00:28:48.000 He's beautiful.

00:28:48.000 He doesn't need that.

00:28:49.000 He wants me to give him my hair.

00:28:51.000 Yes.

00:28:52.000 Ball hair.

00:28:53.000 Because he's like, you got so much hair, Bert.

00:28:54.000 Imagine if you just did your ball hair.

00:28:56.000 My ball hair is so thick.

00:28:58.000 My ball hair goes all the way up to my belly button.

00:29:00.000 If I just took my ball hair and put it on my head...

00:29:02.000 You should do it.

00:29:04.000 Your ball hair can reach to your belly button?

00:29:05.000 Oh, dude, when I don't shave, I'm a gorilla.

00:29:07.000 My back is hairy.

00:29:08.000 Everything's hairy.

00:29:09.000 As I get older, I'm hairier.

00:29:11.000 My ears are hairy now.

00:29:12.000 I have to trim my fucking...

00:29:26.000 My ass hairs tie together when I run from cheek to cheek, like a bridge.

00:29:32.000 I have to take my finger and swipe it out.

00:29:34.000 You know what I've done?

00:29:35.000 Three times.

00:29:36.000 Only three times in my life.

00:29:38.000 For sure.

00:29:39.000 100%.

00:29:39.000 He says he doesn't smell his bad parts.

00:29:41.000 What do you mean?

00:29:42.000 Inside the belly button?

00:29:43.000 I smell everything.

00:29:45.000 Oh, you fucking liar.

00:29:47.000 Yeah, I always just try to make you look worse.

00:29:51.000 I shave my asshole three times in my life, and every time I'm amazed at what my farts sound like.

00:29:58.000 Oh.

00:29:58.000 That is the most insightful.

00:30:00.000 Crazy.

00:30:01.000 I got a full Brazilian wax one time.

00:30:02.000 Whoa.

00:30:03.000 And for a TV show.

00:30:04.000 Your farts.

00:30:05.000 All of a sudden, like, who's farting in my pants?

00:30:06.000 How about wiping?

00:30:08.000 Yeah, you're like, oh.

00:30:10.000 Dude, I try to hold my shit until I get to the studio because of these goddamn bidets.

00:30:14.000 Yeah.

00:30:15.000 The toilet seats with the electric.

00:30:17.000 Oh, my God.

00:30:17.000 It's amazing.

00:30:18.000 It's amazing.

00:30:19.000 Warm water squirting up your butthole.

00:30:21.000 You don't have that at home?

00:30:22.000 No, I need to get it.

00:30:23.000 I know, I'm slipping.

00:30:25.000 We ordered it, too.

00:30:26.000 I have it.

00:30:26.000 I just haven't had it installed yet.

00:30:29.000 I've used yours.

00:30:30.000 Yeah.

00:30:31.000 It's amazing.

00:30:32.000 When I have it at home, and then I'm home for like 10 days, and then you go on the road, you're like, I'm a monster.

00:30:38.000 I'm a fucking monster.

00:30:39.000 You're smearing shit.

00:30:40.000 You're not even cleaning it.

00:30:41.000 No.

00:30:42.000 When I got my Brazilian wax, I remember the first time I farted, it was like my ass cheeks were clapping.

00:30:48.000 Yeah!

00:30:49.000 And you're like, shut the fuck up!

00:30:51.000 What is happening with the hair?

00:30:52.000 Hair muffles it.

00:30:53.000 Hair is muffling your farts.

00:30:56.000 It's so weird.

00:30:57.000 You're the first person to ever say it, because no one can relate to that.

00:31:00.000 And I've always said, man, my farts were so fucking loud.

00:31:03.000 That's because your other friends are grown-ups.

00:31:05.000 Did you have a scientist on here yesterday?

00:31:08.000 I've had many scientists on here.

00:31:09.000 Maybe.

00:31:11.000 Biologists and shit, people looking for lost species.

00:31:14.000 Hey, do you let the water on the bidet go into your asshole sometimes?

00:31:17.000 Right in there, and I have to shit.

00:31:18.000 And then it goes out, you can almost flush it out?

00:31:21.000 If I have a shit that's kind of halfway stuck, I'll go take a shit, and then I start cleaning.

00:31:25.000 I'm like, I think there's more up there.

00:31:26.000 And so I'll just really concentrate that jet right in my butthole.

00:31:30.000 And it gets in there, and all of a sudden, yikes!

00:31:31.000 It's like there was a castaway.

00:31:33.000 There was some hidden shit that was trying to hang out in there.

00:31:36.000 Yep.

00:31:37.000 I love that.

00:31:38.000 It breaks the O-ring.

00:31:39.000 You take a sloppy shit and you're like...

00:31:42.000 And then you let it run a full cycle.

00:31:45.000 Full cycle.

00:31:45.000 And then you wipe and there's something still there.

00:31:47.000 You're like, I got problems.

00:31:48.000 That's a problem.

00:31:49.000 This would have been a problem in 97. That's a problem with hair.

00:31:52.000 Sometimes I wipe it with hair and the width of the smear is so disgusting that I just take a shower.

00:31:59.000 I go straight to shower.

00:32:00.000 Shit showers are good.

00:32:01.000 You shit shower all the time.

00:32:02.000 You go with no wiping.

00:32:03.000 No wipe.

00:32:04.000 You're fucking ill.

00:32:05.000 I wipe first.

00:32:06.000 Why?

00:32:06.000 Because it's too much.

00:32:07.000 I don't want shit in the floor and the toilet paper.

00:32:09.000 You don't leave it there.

00:32:10.000 It goes down.

00:32:11.000 You're fucking out of your mind.

00:32:13.000 You're not cleaning it good, though.

00:32:14.000 Cleaning what?

00:32:15.000 You don't clean the floor.

00:32:16.000 You got shit bacteria on your floor.

00:32:19.000 Stomp, stomp.

00:32:20.000 Stomp in the drain.

00:32:21.000 Joey Diaz was telling me a story once about how he had to take a shit, so he took his shit in the bathtub, and then he had to smush it with his foot to go down the drain, and it all wouldn't go down.

00:32:30.000 And that's when it's too fat to use the toilet.

00:32:32.000 Dude.

00:32:33.000 He told me a few times.

00:32:34.000 Do you remember those logs?

00:32:35.000 He used to leave logs and he'd say, come look at this.

00:32:38.000 And he would go in there.

00:32:39.000 No, no.

00:32:40.000 When he was really big.

00:32:42.000 His ass pushed him from the front of the toilet so he couldn't get all the way back there.

00:32:46.000 So his giant shits would land on the beach in front of the water.

00:32:54.000 They didn't land on the water.

00:32:55.000 So they never really flushed.

00:32:57.000 Oh my god.

00:32:57.000 So you just see them and they're like...

00:32:59.000 He sends me photos.

00:33:01.000 All the time!

00:33:03.000 Now that he texts, he's texting like a fucking ninth grader.

00:33:06.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:33:06.000 He's like, yo, you see the monkey on this chick?

00:33:08.000 Yeah, he sends me pictures.

00:33:09.000 Everything.

00:33:10.000 Dude, my shits in Colombia, from all the just the greasy, oily, banuelos and chicharrones, it was the, first of all, many times a day, and it was this, it was just, probably helps.

00:33:21.000 Like, softer, like, it was like if you fed a puppy too many treats.

00:33:26.000 Ha ha ha!

00:33:28.000 Ha ha ha!

00:33:31.000 Bro, when Marsha was a puppy, one thing that happens to some dogs is when their babies would try to eat their shit.

00:33:37.000 And so he was shitting and trying to eat it at the same time.

00:33:39.000 So he'd spin around in a circle and try to bite it as it was coming out of the hole.

00:33:43.000 He was trying to eat it right out of the tap.

00:33:45.000 Right out of his ass.

00:33:46.000 Joey told me one time that he was about shitting in the shower.

00:33:50.000 And he was like, yeah, it was great.

00:33:51.000 I did it all the time.

00:33:52.000 I was like, you fucking...

00:33:54.000 Sit in the shower?

00:33:56.000 And he's like, yeah.

00:33:56.000 That's too much for me.

00:33:57.000 He's like, if it's like a log, I just shit, and then I just toss it to the toilet.

00:34:02.000 And I was like, come on.

00:34:03.000 Oh, no way.

00:34:05.000 And then he said that.

00:34:10.000 How much practice has he ever done that?

00:34:12.000 He must have missed before.

00:34:13.000 You throw a crumpled piece of paper, and you go for the can, and you miss.

00:34:16.000 Oh, missing that.

00:34:18.000 Missing would be so...

00:34:20.000 He said that, I go, did you stop?

00:34:22.000 That's so fucking revolting.

00:34:24.000 He goes, he's like, I had to.

00:34:26.000 I go, why?

00:34:27.000 He goes, my wife saw me do it one time, and she said, no more.

00:34:31.000 My wife saw me do it!

00:34:33.000 With shit in her hand, like, I gotta explain.

00:34:37.000 Throwing shit?

00:34:37.000 Oh my god, it's hilarious.

00:34:40.000 I didn't want to leave in the bathtub.

00:34:42.000 I farted once in the shower, and I shit all over the place.

00:34:45.000 You did?

00:34:46.000 Yeah.

00:34:46.000 I wasn't feeling that good.

00:34:48.000 I farted just all over the floor.

00:34:52.000 But I have one of those handheld jammies.

00:34:55.000 Rinse it down.

00:34:56.000 Rinse it down.

00:34:57.000 I was in that shower for like a half an hour.

00:35:00.000 And then I squirt shampoo all over the bottom.

00:35:02.000 This will do it.

00:35:03.000 This will clean it.

00:35:04.000 It's a murder scene.

00:35:05.000 And then I left, and then I came back in just to get a fresh smell of it.

00:35:09.000 Yeah.

00:35:09.000 Because, you know, all factory senses are weird because they don't detect smell.

00:35:13.000 They detect changes in smell.

00:35:15.000 That's right.

00:35:15.000 That's why people in Pennsylvania who live near those cattle ranches...

00:35:18.000 Oh, they don't smell anymore.

00:35:19.000 They don't smell shit anymore.

00:35:20.000 Right.

00:35:20.000 Because if you go to...

00:35:21.000 Like, my parents used to live in Wilkes-Barre, Pennsylvania, and I used to go to drive to visit them from the city.

00:35:26.000 Oh, my God.

00:35:26.000 There's a stretch that you drive that's all just cattle ranches and just horrible fucking smell.

00:35:32.000 I'll be there on the Birdie Boy Tour.

00:35:34.000 It's a great town.

00:35:36.000 It smells like what?

00:35:37.000 They'll be happy there.

00:35:38.000 It smells like death and shit.

00:35:40.000 Because two things that are happening there.

00:35:42.000 Slaughterhouses and fucking cow shit.

00:35:45.000 So you just get this...

00:35:46.000 That methane stuff that they talk about being a contributor to greenhouse gases, that's fucking legit.

00:35:52.000 100%.

00:35:53.000 And apparently they can do something about that if they just add a certain amount of seaweed to a cow's diet.

00:35:59.000 You just blew my mind.

00:36:01.000 So...

00:36:02.000 Smell is, it's the change in smell that you notice.

00:36:04.000 It's not the smell.

00:36:05.000 Right.

00:36:05.000 That's why people stink.

00:36:07.000 Don't notice they stink.

00:36:07.000 That's also why when you smoke a joint, you don't notice it.

00:36:10.000 But everybody else around you, they come, oh my god, you guys are high as fuck.

00:36:14.000 They come in the room and they smell weed.

00:36:16.000 Why Indian people can live in Indian people's homes.

00:36:18.000 Oh, you piece of shit.

00:36:20.000 Okay.

00:36:20.000 Bro, it's curry.

00:36:21.000 It's not bad.

00:36:22.000 I had Indian food tonight.

00:36:23.000 I love Indian food.

00:36:24.000 First time I ever had...

00:36:26.000 I never had Indian food when I was in Russia.

00:36:28.000 We got lap dances from these strippers, and they had all eaten Indian food.

00:36:33.000 I'd never smelled curry before, so I'd only grow up in Florida.

00:36:36.000 We didn't have Indian restaurants, and I lived in Tallahassee.

00:36:39.000 And the smell was so disgusting.

00:36:41.000 I was like, these are the most disgusting smelling women I've ever been with.

00:36:45.000 Cut to, probably 15 years later, I'm having dinner with my wife.

00:36:49.000 First time I ever had Indian food.

00:36:50.000 And they bring it, while we walk in the restaurant and I go, dude, this smells like a Russian hooker.

00:36:55.000 I'm about to come in my pants!

00:37:04.000 That blows my mind.

00:37:05.000 It's just the change in smell that you notice.

00:37:07.000 That's why when you fart.

00:37:09.000 Yeah, right.

00:37:11.000 You smell it.

00:37:12.000 That was fucking awesome, Matt.

00:37:12.000 You smell for a second, yeah.

00:37:13.000 Yeah, but you're also...

00:37:14.000 All factory senses are designed to detect changes.

00:37:16.000 You're not...

00:37:17.000 Your body...

00:37:18.000 Your brain sends a signal to you that you smell.

00:37:21.000 To be ready for it.

00:37:21.000 And that's why it doesn't affect you as much as someone else's.

00:37:24.000 No, there's something about...

00:37:25.000 No, you're ready for it.

00:37:26.000 This fucking is blowing my mind right now.

00:37:28.000 That's why people that smell don't know they smell.

00:37:29.000 Well, there's also a thing about your farts that smell good to you, because there's something in your brain that triggers that you're having a relief.

00:37:37.000 It's like there's a build-up, and then you smell the smell, and it's like, ah.

00:37:41.000 Because it signifies the relief.

00:37:43.000 You know that feeling when you have to fart?

00:37:45.000 It's like, oh, when you're in your car, and you fart, and then you start wafting the smell up to you, like, oh, not bad.

00:37:50.000 Bro, I'll fart in a pillow and take it to the face.

00:37:55.000 I love my farts.

00:37:56.000 Do you ever do it?

00:37:57.000 Take it down.

00:37:59.000 Do you ever fart in your bed and your wife is in the bathroom and you're like, oh my god, I gotta get a pillow out.

00:38:04.000 No, no, no, no, no, no.

00:38:05.000 That's when I go, that's when I hold it down and I go, hey, do me a favor.

00:38:09.000 You're a bad person.

00:38:10.000 Tom and I are good people.

00:38:12.000 Tom and I are good people.

00:38:14.000 I know what I do is I do more theatrical stuff.

00:38:21.000 I'll take this to the next one.

00:38:23.000 I want to hear your story first.

00:38:24.000 I'll do leg kicks as I fart, or I'll pull my legs back like I'm changing my diaper kind of position.

00:38:31.000 She doesn't like it at all.

00:38:33.000 She doesn't like it at all.

00:38:35.000 My mom today farted for like 12 seconds.

00:38:39.000 I was like, give me a fucking heads up if you're going to do this.

00:38:42.000 That one that your mom did when you caught her in the kitchen and then she turns and looks at you.

00:38:46.000 You need to take her to a doctor.

00:38:48.000 There might be something going on.

00:38:49.000 Standard operating procedure.

00:38:51.000 A foot of extra intestines?

00:38:53.000 All life, yes.

00:38:54.000 I'm telling you, today she broke it easily.

00:38:56.000 And I go, why don't you fucking tell me so I can record it?

00:38:59.000 And she goes, give me $150,000.

00:39:02.000 150?

00:39:02.000 I'll give her 150 for that video.

00:39:05.000 It's pretty impressive.

00:39:06.000 Hold on, let's hear this.

00:39:08.000 Go from the beginning.

00:39:10.000 Hold on, before you play, were you just randomly filming her?

00:39:12.000 You weren't thinking it was coming, were you?

00:39:14.000 No, no, here's what's happened.

00:39:15.000 I said something about, I go, yeah, you think you have one?

00:39:19.000 And she thought we were just like bantering.

00:39:21.000 You think you have one fart?

00:39:23.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:39:24.000 And I saw her just turn, and I go, oh, I think she might.

00:39:27.000 And, you know, the beauty of these things is, like, pull it out, and I just hit the camera from the lock screen, and then she just didn't know.

00:39:33.000 Let me hear this.

00:39:41.000 Oh, this is the loop.

00:39:46.000 This is the loop.

00:39:48.000 The look on her face when she turns around and she sees that camera pointed at her.

00:39:57.000 Slow motion.

00:39:58.000 She's smiling right there.

00:39:59.000 She's smiling right there.

00:40:02.000 You don't know my son anymore.

00:40:04.000 You don't know my son.

00:40:06.000 You don't know my son anymore.

00:40:07.000 Oh, and I made merch that said, you don't know my son anymore.

00:40:10.000 And I would send it to the house.

00:40:12.000 She got so mad.

00:40:14.000 I don't know if I said it anymore.

00:40:15.000 Oh my god.

00:40:16.000 She's the Argentinian?

00:40:17.000 She's Peruvian.

00:40:18.000 Oh my god, that's hilarious.

00:40:19.000 Best one I ever did is, when the girls were little, like babies, I farted in a McDonald's cup, and I put my hand over it, and I went...

00:40:26.000 Like a Scooby-Doo?

00:40:27.000 Scream?

00:40:27.000 Poison your babies?

00:40:28.000 I go, girls, I just caught a butterfly.

00:40:30.000 And they're like, what?

00:40:31.000 And I look...

00:40:33.000 Both of them are like, I don't sell that.

00:40:35.000 Like, literally immediately.

00:40:36.000 You did it to me once at the Irvine Improv.

00:40:39.000 Oh, it's a good one.

00:40:40.000 Did you really capture a fart in a cup?

00:40:41.000 Oh, yeah.

00:40:42.000 He let out like a...

00:40:44.000 You know when it's like hot death?

00:40:47.000 Yeah, when you feel warm.

00:40:49.000 It's warm, and then you're like...

00:40:50.000 It's also rotten.

00:40:52.000 This is like a rotten one.

00:40:53.000 Right, right.

00:40:53.000 I was across the lobby from him in the club, and he was like...

00:40:57.000 Come here, come here, come here.

00:40:58.000 Like, he signaled, like, I gotta tell you something.

00:41:00.000 I go, what?

00:41:00.000 And I ran up, and, like, it just hit me like a brick to the face.

00:41:05.000 Like, it was...

00:41:06.000 Dude, I have sometimes with my stomach...

00:41:08.000 I told this to Tom a long time ago on our podcast.

00:41:12.000 I took a shit in Japan once that was so bad.

00:41:14.000 The guy in the stall next to me threw up.

00:41:17.000 LAUGHTER We were in Japan.

00:41:21.000 I thought he was talking to me.

00:41:23.000 He's like, I don't know what you're saying.

00:41:26.000 No Japanese.

00:41:28.000 By the way, that's happened twice.

00:41:30.000 It happened once in Denver.

00:41:32.000 I made people throw up.

00:41:35.000 There's something so strange about public toilets where you're shitting inches away from some other person's shitting.

00:41:40.000 Especially airports.

00:41:41.000 It's so weird.

00:41:42.000 Airports, international shits.

00:41:44.000 Yeah.

00:41:44.000 You know, when it's like 30 of you just sitting there.

00:41:47.000 You all came from eating in different countries.

00:41:49.000 Different bacteria.

00:41:50.000 That's what's so strange about those hookup spots for some creepy gay dudes.

00:41:54.000 Yeah.

00:41:54.000 Where they would find a spot.

00:41:56.000 Can you believe that?

00:41:56.000 Like, yeah.

00:41:57.000 They meet in toilets.

00:41:59.000 Like, remember there was that one...

00:42:01.000 Was it a senator?

00:42:02.000 They got busted?

00:42:03.000 Yeah.

00:42:03.000 Minnesota.

00:42:04.000 Minnesota.

00:42:05.000 Wait, wasn't he from Idaho?

00:42:07.000 But it was in Minnesota.

00:42:08.000 It was in Minnesota.

00:42:08.000 But he was a senator from Idaho.

00:42:10.000 And he goes, no, I was just tapping to see if he was there.

00:42:14.000 He's the creepiest guy.

00:42:16.000 Craig, I think, was his last name.

00:42:17.000 He's the one who said, when Clinton was in trouble, he was like, Clinton has been a very naughty boy.

00:42:24.000 Dare I say, a nasty boy.

00:42:28.000 The weirdest thing an adult man has ever said.

00:42:31.000 I know you want to look at Clinton, but we're looking at you now.

00:42:33.000 Yeah, dude.

00:42:34.000 Somebody who says it like that, you know, that word selection, dare I say a nasty boy.

00:42:38.000 Well, those guys were around before the internet, right?

00:42:41.000 Yeah.

00:42:41.000 But they probably had, like, there he is, Larry Craig.

00:42:45.000 Wide stance, arrest turns ten.

00:42:48.000 Oh, yeah, that was his thing.

00:42:50.000 I have a wide stance.

00:42:51.000 I got a wide stance.

00:42:53.000 Oh, my God.

00:42:54.000 He has a wide stance to go to the bathroom.

00:42:56.000 So he was putting his feet...

00:42:58.000 I overreacted and made a poor decision, Craig said, of his guilty plea.

00:43:02.000 Let me be clear.

00:43:02.000 I am not gay.

00:43:03.000 Why is he playing guilty, then?

00:43:06.000 It's just easier, Ari.

00:43:08.000 Yeah, it's easier.

00:43:09.000 Whenever I shit and people get mad at me, I just say, I'm guilty.

00:43:11.000 I'm guilty.

00:43:12.000 I'm guilty.

00:43:13.000 You know what, guys?

00:43:13.000 This is a lot easier than the paperwork.

00:43:15.000 He argued that the arresting officer misconstrued his actions.

00:43:19.000 What are the odds that you try to get an officer to suck your dick?

00:43:22.000 But here's the thing, though.

00:43:23.000 What if an officer is one of those cops that sets up speed traps?

00:43:28.000 What if you're not gay?

00:43:31.000 And he's just like, I need to make a collar.

00:43:33.000 I'm here looking for guys to suck my dick, and there's nothing.

00:43:36.000 I haven't had a single bite.

00:43:39.000 Make a collar.

00:43:40.000 He's out there trying to fish.

00:43:42.000 He's out there trying to fish and he's got a fucking stick of dynamite.

00:43:45.000 I'm just going to chuck this in the water.

00:43:46.000 Have they caught a senator?

00:43:48.000 Wow.

00:43:49.000 What a fucking land.

00:43:50.000 Yeah, but here's the thing.

00:43:50.000 Yeah, what a land.

00:43:51.000 If you really...

00:43:53.000 I mean, it's...

00:43:55.000 If you really didn't do this, you definitely are not like that.

00:43:57.000 Under the divider hand motions and played footsie in an attempt to arrange a sexual encounter.

00:44:02.000 But here's the thing.

00:44:04.000 Prove that.

00:44:05.000 Prove that.

00:44:05.000 Prove what?

00:44:06.000 Prove that he's trying to arrange a sexual encounter.

00:44:09.000 Maybe he just needed toilet paper.

00:44:10.000 But they didn't.

00:44:11.000 He just pled guilty because he panicked.

00:44:14.000 Did you hear about the guy recently that got busted?

00:44:15.000 He was a pastor and he got busted trying to pay for gay sex with an Arby's card?

00:44:19.000 An Arby's card?

00:44:20.000 An Arby's card.

00:44:21.000 He pulled out the wrong card to an ARC or to an undercover officer.

00:44:24.000 He was going to pay credit?

00:44:25.000 Yeah.

00:44:26.000 He was like on a sugar daddy site.

00:44:28.000 He was like, I've had a lot of sugar daddies, sugar babies.

00:44:31.000 This guy, Missouri church leader, trying to pay for sex on Grindr.

00:44:35.000 That's what it is.

00:44:36.000 With an Arby's card.

00:44:37.000 Yeah, I guess so.

00:44:41.000 He looks gay.

00:44:43.000 I think prostitution in the gay community is a different animal.

00:44:48.000 What's the D in D I'd like to fuck?

00:44:50.000 Dad?

00:44:51.000 I think it's much more acceptable.

00:44:54.000 Definitely.

00:44:55.000 They don't give a fuck.

00:44:57.000 It's more rugby rules as opposed to American football rules.

00:45:01.000 They're just like, whatever happens, man.

00:45:03.000 Let's just get the ball to that side.

00:45:04.000 Grab nuts in the scrum.

00:45:06.000 But also, like, isn't it the need for the prostitution so much less, right?

00:45:12.000 Like, I feel like guys are just like, let's just fucking fuck.

00:45:15.000 But old guys, here's the thing, because old guys, they want to fuck young guys.

00:45:19.000 And these young guys don't want to fuck them, but these young guys don't have a car.

00:45:23.000 They're like, hey.

00:45:23.000 I know what's up.

00:45:25.000 I know how to make something happen.

00:45:26.000 Remember that Patrice O'Neil story where he said he pulled over to a rest stop to get some sleep?

00:45:30.000 And somebody knocked on his window.

00:45:32.000 He was way off, away from where the store was.

00:45:35.000 And he was like, what?

00:45:37.000 And the guy was like, hi.

00:45:39.000 And he was like, what?

00:45:40.000 And the guy was like, oh, my bad.

00:45:42.000 He goes, you're bad?

00:45:43.000 What?

00:45:43.000 What are you doing here?

00:45:44.000 And the guy just turned and ran away.

00:45:46.000 Well, that's the spot.

00:45:48.000 Rest times.

00:45:50.000 Gay guys, before they had these apps and ways to meet up, Craigslist, they used to have little secret spots.

00:45:59.000 Rest stops were always the secret spots.

00:46:01.000 What was the singer George Michael thing, right?

00:46:03.000 It was like a park.

00:46:04.000 In Beverly Hills, right?

00:46:07.000 But you know that shit had to be bumping in the fucking 80s.

00:46:12.000 Going to that park, I'm sure every gay dude in the city was like, I'll see you in BH, man.

00:46:16.000 That has got to be the spot.

00:46:20.000 Let's go shopping afterwards, man.

00:46:22.000 How great would that be if the day after you found out about that park, you're like, wait, wait, wait, that park?

00:46:27.000 And you're like, oh yeah, yeah, yeah, around noon.

00:46:29.000 You're like, restroom, right?

00:46:30.000 Wasn't it a restroom?

00:46:31.000 The infamous George Michael bathroom in Beverly Hills.

00:46:34.000 But it's a bathroom at a park.

00:46:35.000 Man, it's gotta be fucking rough to be gay and just try to meet guys.

00:46:39.000 Are you serious?

00:46:41.000 Shut up.

00:46:41.000 Oh, in the 90s.

00:46:42.000 In the 90s, it still must have been easy.

00:46:46.000 Remember the rule was if you had a certain color handkerchief?

00:46:51.000 That meant what you were into.

00:46:52.000 Oh, yeah.

00:46:52.000 And you would have it out of your back pocket.

00:46:54.000 There's a day at Florida State if you wore blue jeans.

00:46:56.000 Just blue jeans.

00:46:58.000 Just blue jeans?

00:46:58.000 Yeah, it was natural coming out there.

00:46:59.000 Florida people were just trying to fuck dudes.

00:47:01.000 They should have something more specific than that.

00:47:03.000 Yeah.

00:47:04.000 That's a mistake waiting to happen.

00:47:05.000 What if you don't get online?

00:47:06.000 You don't know.

00:47:07.000 It's like having a t-shirt day.

00:47:09.000 And your fucking shorts are dirty.

00:47:11.000 So I'll just put my blue jeans on today.

00:47:13.000 Some guys are trying to fuck you.

00:47:14.000 Hey, man.

00:47:15.000 Sorry, I didn't have anything else to wear.

00:47:18.000 You get fucked.

00:47:19.000 Blue jeans.

00:47:20.000 That's so crazy.

00:47:22.000 It is crazy.

00:47:22.000 Christina went to University of San Francisco.

00:47:24.000 She said in the 90s, I think it's the Folsom Street Fair or something, she was like, guys would fist in the streets.

00:47:31.000 Yikes.

00:47:32.000 Fisting?

00:47:32.000 Yeah, she's like, I saw guys butt-fucking just up on a wall.

00:47:35.000 I saw two dudes butt-fucking.

00:47:37.000 The first day in New York, I went out with the editor of Us Magazine, and he took me to a gay bar in the meatpacking district, and I saw a dude, can't be alive anymore.

00:47:48.000 He had stars tattooed on his buttcheeks down to his heel like he was a big Cowboys fan, but fucking...

00:47:56.000 And I saw him get fucked in the ass, and I was fresh out of Florida State.

00:48:00.000 Jesus.

00:48:01.000 On the street?

00:48:02.000 No, no, no.

00:48:02.000 In a bar.

00:48:03.000 It was in a bar.

00:48:04.000 He got fucked in the ass in a bar?

00:48:05.000 In a bar, just on this dude's lap.

00:48:07.000 And I was like, wow.

00:48:10.000 Dude, I was like this.

00:48:11.000 I remember the first.

00:48:12.000 New York.

00:48:15.000 God.

00:48:17.000 I wonder if there's some gay guys that miss those days.

00:48:20.000 Oh, yeah.

00:48:21.000 Yes!

00:48:22.000 That are like, that was when we were fucking outlaws.

00:48:24.000 Of course.

00:48:25.000 The pre-AIDS days must have been amazing.

00:48:27.000 Did you ever hear Jeff Scott, the piano player at the Comedy Store, talk about pre-AIDS? When he was in a theater troupe?

00:48:32.000 Before AIDS. And he was like, it was a fuck fest.

00:48:36.000 I bet a lot of guys got into musicals that didn't even like musicals.

00:48:40.000 So this is the deal.

00:48:41.000 I gotta learn how to sing.

00:48:44.000 Chicago's not that bad.

00:48:45.000 They probably just had to find a spot.

00:48:47.000 Had to find a spot.

00:48:48.000 Definitely.

00:48:49.000 Where's the spot?

00:48:49.000 Where do we go?

00:48:51.000 How many guys wear cologne that actually like cologne?

00:48:54.000 Zero.

00:48:56.000 They're wearing cologne because they think it might, in some way, up their chance of getting laid.

00:49:01.000 My rationale has always been, any girl that will only fuck you because you're wearing cologne, don't fuck that girl.

00:49:07.000 Right.

00:49:07.000 That's a mess.

00:49:08.000 Yeah.

00:49:08.000 You're making a mistake.

00:49:10.000 You know, the thing is about cologne, speaking of change in your smell...

00:49:15.000 I feel like I can go a long stretch now without picking up on...

00:49:21.000 No, cologne.

00:49:22.000 I'll feel like I don't run into any...

00:49:24.000 And then all of a sudden, a fucking Uber driver or someone, and you're like, Jesus!

00:49:28.000 Or you get on an elevator, and you're like, Dude, where are you from?

00:49:31.000 I love those people who are wearing this shit for.

00:49:34.000 They're trying to cover something else.

00:49:35.000 You just got here?

00:49:36.000 We don't do that here, man.

00:49:38.000 You don't wear cologne.

00:49:40.000 Cologne?

00:49:40.000 No.

00:49:41.000 No, fuck no.

00:49:43.000 I wear deodorant, though.

00:49:45.000 That's a business I would not invest in, is Burt Kreischer cologne.

00:49:52.000 I just started using toothpaste again.

00:49:55.000 It smells like clean feet.

00:49:57.000 Soap.

00:49:58.000 Shut up.

00:49:59.000 I don't like toothpaste.

00:50:00.000 It fucking creeps me out.

00:50:01.000 What?

00:50:02.000 Yeah, toothpaste bothers me.

00:50:03.000 What do you brush your teeth with?

00:50:05.000 Soap.

00:50:05.000 No way.

00:50:06.000 What are you talking about?

00:50:07.000 Yeah, I'd like to...

00:50:09.000 Dude, look, this is a long unpacking story.

00:50:12.000 That's the right reaction.

00:50:13.000 I don't have real teeth, so it doesn't matter.

00:50:16.000 No, I mean your mouth.

00:50:17.000 Like, you have a real tongue, right?

00:50:19.000 Wait, wait, wait.

00:50:20.000 Don't glance over the real teeth.

00:50:21.000 What happened to your teeth?

00:50:22.000 I got a hit in the mouth with a baseball bat.

00:50:23.000 You got a hit in the mouth with a baseball bat.

00:50:25.000 We just talked about this the other day, yeah.

00:50:27.000 Who hit you?

00:50:28.000 My dad.

00:50:28.000 Look, it was...

00:50:29.000 No, I'm joking.

00:50:30.000 It was a kid in the game.

00:50:31.000 It was the kid batting.

00:50:33.000 Accident.

00:50:33.000 No, he was trying to break up the play.

00:50:34.000 He was a black kid.

00:50:35.000 He was sick of you talking to him like that.

00:50:37.000 That's where it started.

00:50:38.000 I was a catcher, and it was a pass ball.

00:50:41.000 I blocked it.

00:50:41.000 I picked it up.

00:50:42.000 Threw my helmet off.

00:50:43.000 Threw it down to third, and the kid tried to break up the play and brought the bat back.

00:50:45.000 Hit me in the mouth.

00:50:47.000 Knocked out...

00:50:49.000 Fucked up 26 of my teeth.

00:50:51.000 Wait, I actually forgot to ask you this.

00:50:53.000 What?

00:50:53.000 In that part of the story.

00:50:55.000 Yeah, my 11th birthday.

00:50:56.000 You're playing catcher.

00:50:59.000 You throw the ball to make the play at what?

00:51:02.000 Third.

00:51:02.000 Kid was stealing second to go to third.

00:51:04.000 So the batter has already swung.

00:51:06.000 He already swung.

00:51:07.000 Okay.

00:51:08.000 And now?

00:51:08.000 He brings the bat back into my mouth.

00:51:11.000 Oh, like he just...

00:51:12.000 Brought it back into my mouth.

00:51:14.000 He thought on the spot, he's like, oh, maybe I'll pretend it's my full motion.

00:51:17.000 Yeah, yeah, and brought it back into my mouth.

00:51:18.000 You did it on purpose?

00:51:20.000 You know, man, I never talked to the kid at all.

00:51:23.000 My teeth were on home plate.

00:51:26.000 You want to get real about this?

00:51:28.000 You want to talk about parenting?

00:51:30.000 My dad came out.

00:51:31.000 He's like, buddy, it's going to be okay.

00:51:33.000 Your mom's here.

00:51:34.000 We had a birthday party planned for him.

00:51:35.000 It was my birthday.

00:51:36.000 And he came out, and in his hand, he had my fielder's glove.

00:51:40.000 And I went...

00:51:42.000 I was trying to...

00:51:43.000 He goes, take off the gear.

00:51:44.000 Drew's going to catch.

00:51:45.000 Go over to shortstop.

00:51:47.000 And I was like, I don't have any teeth.

00:51:49.000 He was like, yeah, but if I take you out now, we lose the game because I can't sub before the fifth inning, so go over and finish the game.

00:51:55.000 And I go, I don't have any teeth.

00:51:56.000 He goes, don't you...

00:51:57.000 My dad's a good dad.

00:51:59.000 He's not a bad guy, but he was like, hey, don't fucking cry.

00:52:02.000 Go out, finish the inning.

00:52:03.000 It's one out.

00:52:04.000 It's one out, and then we'll take you to the hospital.

00:52:06.000 So I went over to shortstop.

00:52:08.000 I don't know.

00:52:08.000 Stuff like that, I think, turns you...

00:52:10.000 Stuff like that teaches you...

00:52:12.000 It either breaks you or fucks you up as a guy, or it makes you stronger as a guy.

00:52:15.000 What do you think it did to you?

00:52:17.000 I don't know, man.

00:52:18.000 I've had a lot of those moments with my dad where it's like, be a fucking man, and I'm glad he did it, because there's certain things.

00:52:24.000 That, though?

00:52:26.000 Man, I remember being at...

00:52:27.000 That's not like a suck it up moment.

00:52:28.000 That's like a, no, no, no, it's over.

00:52:30.000 The game's over.

00:52:30.000 It doesn't matter.

00:52:31.000 The game's over.

00:52:31.000 You might have a broken jaw.

00:52:33.000 Everybody go home.

00:52:33.000 If your teeth get knocked out, it's very likely there's some fractures in your jaw, and that could get infected.

00:52:40.000 It's like a rush to get to the hospital as quick as possible.

00:52:43.000 Do you think your dad was having some sort of PTSD? You're not in a world title fight.

00:52:47.000 No, no, no.

00:52:48.000 Trust me.

00:52:49.000 Joe, I was sitting at a shortstop.

00:52:50.000 I was sitting at a shortstop going, this doesn't seem fair.

00:52:52.000 This seems like bad parenting.

00:52:54.000 My dad's like, if I take you out now, we lose the game.

00:52:57.000 I don't want to shit on your dad.

00:52:58.000 He was like, I'll give you some Titos.

00:53:00.000 You'll be fine.

00:53:01.000 I don't think I think I'm fine.

00:53:03.000 I don't know what you guys are talking about.

00:53:06.000 I don't know, man.

00:53:08.000 I'm used to seeing people get fucked up, and I think I'd have a real problem with that.

00:53:12.000 I think it's a different era.

00:53:14.000 It's a different era.

00:53:15.000 I would panic if I saw that.

00:53:18.000 I don't know if it was that different.

00:53:19.000 I brought it up to my dad before.

00:53:23.000 He laughs it off, and he goes, you weren't that bad.

00:53:26.000 Can I ask you a question?

00:53:27.000 Who won the game?

00:53:28.000 I have no idea.

00:53:30.000 I wasn't there.

00:53:30.000 I went to Dr. Boza.

00:53:32.000 Spent the rest of the day getting my teeth fixed.

00:53:35.000 How long did it take before they fixed your teeth?

00:53:37.000 Fucking 20 years.

00:53:39.000 It took forever.

00:53:40.000 It was a long period.

00:53:42.000 Ninth grade, in college, everything was fixed.

00:53:46.000 That was 11. In ninth grade, I had a smile I was comfortable with.

00:53:52.000 But yeah, I just have fucked up teeth.

00:53:54.000 So it took like three years before you had a smile you were comfortable with.

00:53:57.000 Yeah.

00:53:57.000 So what was it before then?

00:53:59.000 It was like spotty caps.

00:54:03.000 Cosmetic dental.

00:54:04.000 Oh, it was terrible back then.

00:54:05.000 It was terrible.

00:54:06.000 So it was like, I want to say, this sounds horrible.

00:54:08.000 I want to feel like it was plastic caps.

00:54:10.000 It wasn't like, they stained really easy.

00:54:12.000 And I had like two, and then these were broken, and then At one point, I just had four teeth that looked okay.

00:54:21.000 I mean, there are people listening right now that are going through this, but you just cover your smile at times, and you don't enjoy life as much.

00:54:27.000 Smile with your mouth closed.

00:54:28.000 You smile with your mouth closed.

00:54:29.000 You're like, that's funny.

00:54:31.000 It's really funny to think of you like that.

00:54:33.000 I know, right?

00:54:34.000 I think that's why I am who I am, is when I got teeth, I was like, fuck yeah!

00:54:39.000 And I was laughing.

00:54:41.000 Your teeth look perfect now.

00:54:42.000 Thank you so much, Joe.

00:54:43.000 Do they get stained by coffee or anything?

00:54:45.000 Very badly.

00:54:46.000 We were talking about this the other day.

00:54:48.000 Fuckface over here decides his new game he wants to play is Shame My Mouth.

00:54:52.000 Shame My Mouth?

00:54:54.000 That sounds like something Larry Craig would play.

00:54:57.000 This is so funny because this is the opposite of what I was doing!

00:54:59.000 No, him and his fucking evil Nazi wife.

00:55:03.000 Come up with these fucking game plans of ways to just get the focus away from my talent as a comedian and find something else to fucking focus on.

00:55:12.000 But I was going to get my teeth all redone this month.

00:55:20.000 And then I thought, I don't like those dudes or celebrities with bright white smiles that you go, you just got your teeth done.

00:55:26.000 You look fucking different.

00:55:27.000 They can make them not like that, by the way.

00:55:28.000 But now they can.

00:55:30.000 If you get veneers now, they do shades of...

00:55:35.000 I want regular man teeth.

00:55:36.000 When you see a man, he's got regular teeth...

00:55:39.000 Yeah, like you got regular fucking teeth.

00:55:40.000 I got crooked teeth.

00:55:41.000 Your teeth look normal.

00:55:42.000 Yeah.

00:55:42.000 I have no problem with my teeth whatsoever.

00:55:44.000 I'm fine.

00:55:45.000 I wouldn't mind a couple of them, getting them shaded out to match everything else, but I got one dark one.

00:55:53.000 I got one, yeah.

00:55:53.000 But it's from smoking cigars and drinking coffee.

00:55:55.000 It's a dead tooth, and then that one tooth is kind of gray.

00:55:58.000 I know somebody with that.

00:56:00.000 Dead teeth are weird.

00:56:02.000 Like a prominent dead tooth, and you just want to be like, why do you have a car?

00:56:06.000 You should fix this first.

00:56:08.000 I don't know.

00:56:09.000 Take Uber everywhere and get your teeth done.

00:56:12.000 Yeah, the dead teeth are weird, right?

00:56:13.000 It's like there's something about, it signals to you there's something wrong with that person.

00:56:18.000 Like you see a person with a missing tooth.

00:56:20.000 You're like, ooh, what other shit decisions are you making?

00:56:22.000 Well, I know that like a lot of people would, yeah.

00:56:25.000 I mean, it's the thing is that it's like one of the first things you notice.

00:56:29.000 You notice somebody if they have a wonky eye, for sure, and then teeth.

00:56:33.000 Dead teeth.

00:56:34.000 Yeah, dead teeth.

00:56:35.000 But a lot of people, you know, it is expensive, you know, to address that.

00:56:39.000 But my thing has always been when somebody is like, you know, something about dental, they'll go, you know, well, it's whatever, thousands of dollars.

00:56:46.000 I go, go into debt.

00:56:48.000 Like, you should go, you should buy debt right now.

00:56:53.000 Yeah, your life might improve.

00:56:54.000 Yeah, exactly.

00:56:55.000 It's worth it.

00:56:55.000 It's worth it to pay that off.

00:56:56.000 Up your earning potential.

00:56:57.000 For sure.

00:56:58.000 Do you know who Jessa Reed is?

00:57:00.000 No.

00:57:00.000 You know her.

00:57:01.000 She got one of the best stories that's been on Ari's show.

00:57:04.000 Comic, addicted to meth.

00:57:07.000 She found out that when you pee, when you're on meth, that there's a percentage of meth in your pee.

00:57:13.000 So she was like, liquid gold.

00:57:16.000 Oh, boy.

00:57:17.000 She told a story on Ari's podcast, and it's a great story.

00:57:20.000 Well, that's the thing with mushrooms, you know.

00:57:21.000 When you trip balls, if you drink your piss, you'll trip even harder.

00:57:24.000 Really?

00:57:25.000 Yeah, a lot of psilocybin goes right through your piss.

00:57:26.000 You can also...

00:57:28.000 Have you done this?

00:57:29.000 I'll just do more mushrooms.

00:57:30.000 That's a better move.

00:57:33.000 Counterpoint!

00:57:35.000 Yeah, there she is.

00:57:36.000 So Jessa had all fake teeth because they'd all fallen out from meth.

00:57:40.000 Damn, she's pretty.

00:57:40.000 She's beautiful.

00:57:41.000 And she's fucking hilarious.

00:57:43.000 So she did my podcast and told the story.

00:57:45.000 And this is what's beautiful about podcasts.

00:57:47.000 Some dentist in Portland was like, yo, I can do it for free.

00:57:51.000 No way.

00:57:52.000 Flew her up.

00:57:52.000 Or she flew her up.

00:57:53.000 He did her whole fucking mouth.

00:57:55.000 Wow.

00:57:55.000 I wish I knew that guy's name.

00:57:56.000 I'd give him a shout out.

00:57:58.000 Text her.

00:57:59.000 Text her and give that dude a shout out.

00:58:01.000 That's cool shit.

00:58:03.000 It's no money out of his pocket.

00:58:05.000 It's his time.

00:58:05.000 And he's like, ah, you know what?

00:58:06.000 You made me laugh for fucking two hours on Bert's podcast.

00:58:09.000 That's cool.

00:58:10.000 That's very cool.

00:58:10.000 I love stories like that.

00:58:12.000 Yeah.

00:58:13.000 Why do I feel worse when hot girls become addicted to meth?

00:58:17.000 Because you see the potential ruin, man.

00:58:20.000 It's just like a fucking great young fighter that gets into coke and crack or something.

00:58:25.000 Yeah, you see the potential.

00:58:27.000 Not some little scratchy dude.

00:58:29.000 Because you know how good her life could be, basically.

00:58:32.000 Right.

00:58:32.000 If she could become a fitness influencer, just do squats and yoga pants.

00:58:37.000 How good is that gig?

00:58:39.000 That's a great gig.

00:58:40.000 What?

00:58:40.000 The fucking...

00:58:41.000 Those gals make a lot of money.

00:58:42.000 The hot influencer.

00:58:43.000 Oh, yeah.

00:58:44.000 There's certain girls that just have...

00:58:46.000 Crazy money.

00:58:46.000 I got some style and I'm cute.

00:58:48.000 Here's the thing, though.

00:58:49.000 They are changing what a hot ass looks like.

00:58:52.000 Who, who?

00:58:53.000 Standards, like on Instagram, because of these influencer girls.

00:58:57.000 And everyone's trying to keep up with that.

00:58:58.000 Oh my god, there's certain girls that are just in the gym every fucking day trying to figure out new ways to make their ass pop.

00:59:04.000 In the fight.

00:59:04.000 Yeah.

00:59:05.000 And what is a good ass now?

00:59:08.000 I mean, in the 70s, all you had to do was just be there.

00:59:12.000 Not be huge.

00:59:13.000 Yeah, but asses didn't mean anything.

00:59:16.000 You should have seen these fucking reggaeton girls in Colombia with their asses.

00:59:20.000 What's that word?

00:59:22.000 Reggaeton.

00:59:22.000 What does that mean?

00:59:23.000 It's like a type of music.

00:59:25.000 Oh, like reggae?

00:59:26.000 No, reggaeton.

00:59:27.000 Reggaeton?

00:59:28.000 Yeah.

00:59:28.000 Have you heard that?

00:59:29.000 I don't know.

00:59:30.000 Yeah?

00:59:31.000 I don't hang out with 25-year-olds.

00:59:33.000 25-year-olds.

00:59:34.000 It's fucking old people do it there.

00:59:35.000 Brady Smith.

00:59:36.000 Brady Smith DDS. Holla at Brady Smith.

00:59:40.000 Oh, how'd you do that?

00:59:41.000 Because Jamie's a wizard.

00:59:42.000 Goddamn.

00:59:43.000 Savior of just a smile.

00:59:45.000 Thank you, Brady Smith.

00:59:46.000 Where does he live?

00:59:46.000 We should post his...

00:59:47.000 Yeah.

00:59:48.000 Does he live in Portland?

00:59:49.000 Dox him!

00:59:50.000 Dox that motherfucker!

00:59:51.000 Where's he at?

00:59:51.000 Portland.

00:59:52.000 Brady Smith from Portland.

00:59:54.000 Folks, if you listen to this and you need some dental work done, go to that guy.

00:59:57.000 Look, he's a handsome fella.

00:59:58.000 What a fucking good guy.

00:59:59.000 Yeah, what a good guy.

01:00:01.000 He's got a podcast?

01:00:02.000 Yeah, shout out to his podcast.

01:00:03.000 It's called Drilled.

01:00:04.000 What's it called?

01:00:04.000 It's called Drilled.

01:00:05.000 It's called Drilled?

01:00:07.000 Yeah, he does.

01:00:07.000 Oh my god, his podcast is called Drilled.

01:00:11.000 That is hilarious.

01:00:13.000 He does a podcast with...

01:00:14.000 No.

01:00:15.000 He gets them fucked up on laughing gas.

01:00:17.000 He does a podcast.

01:00:17.000 He does a podcast that just makes you want to kill yourself.

01:00:20.000 That is hilarious.

01:00:22.000 That is so funny.

01:00:22.000 I got a check out of these people while it was operating on them.

01:00:26.000 So what do you do for fun when you were young?

01:00:31.000 If you go back to when asses didn't mean anything, what was the shift?

01:00:35.000 Was it Sir Mix-a-Lot?

01:00:37.000 Oh, no, [...

01:00:38.000 Daisy Dukes.

01:00:40.000 No, because she didn't have an ass.

01:00:43.000 She had great legs, but Catherine Bach did not have an ass.

01:00:46.000 When I heard Baby Got Back, This Is How White I Am, I was like, wait, you like big ass?

01:00:52.000 It was so foreign to me.

01:00:53.000 I like big butts and I cannot lie.

01:00:55.000 Yeah, me too.

01:00:56.000 I was like, what the fuck?

01:00:57.000 Who the fuck likes that?

01:00:58.000 Well, that just shows you how segregated this country is.

01:01:01.000 When that song came out, people would be like, well, black people like that.

01:01:05.000 They would tell you, that's what black people like.

01:01:07.000 But then white people like that.

01:01:08.000 Well, yeah, of course.

01:01:09.000 But that's not that long ago.

01:01:10.000 It's not that long ago, but it is.

01:01:12.000 No!

01:01:13.000 Do you remember the gang in that song?

01:01:15.000 Look, everything else stayed the same.

01:01:17.000 What are girls like?

01:01:18.000 Girls like guys with big muscles, guys who are tall, guys with six-packs.

01:01:21.000 It's all the same.

01:01:22.000 Yeah.

01:01:33.000 She would say a guy who's like 6'3 with a big chest and big arms and a six pack and a big hog.

01:01:43.000 Call Christina right now and see if that's what she says!

01:01:46.000 She's asleep.

01:01:49.000 Listen, we're not talking about your wives.

01:01:51.000 We're talking about a girl who has no emotional connection to someone.

01:01:54.000 If you asked her, write down on paper, Ryan Reynolds, right?

01:01:58.000 That's what she'd say.

01:01:59.000 Jason Momoa.

01:02:00.000 Some contractor-looking dude.

01:02:02.000 It's the same.

01:02:03.000 It was that way in the 70s.

01:02:05.000 It's that way now.

01:02:06.000 The thing that changed with men is asses.

01:02:09.000 Yes.

01:02:10.000 No one was into asses.

01:02:11.000 No!

01:02:11.000 It's amazing!

01:02:12.000 I saw an ass coming into Petco yesterday that was fucking insane, and I was like, I never would have been into that as a kid.

01:02:18.000 What are you showing me here, Jamie?

01:02:19.000 It says Jane Fonda.

01:02:20.000 Brought it up in the 70s.

01:02:21.000 That's Jane Fonda's now?

01:02:22.000 You can't really see it, though.

01:02:23.000 It's just from the side.

01:02:23.000 Athletic female butt.

01:02:25.000 Sort of.

01:02:26.000 That's a trick.

01:02:27.000 You can't see it.

01:02:28.000 Ah, get away.

01:02:29.000 You gotta see it standing up.

01:02:30.000 That's just not big.

01:02:31.000 That's a great question.

01:02:32.000 And a fucking Instagram influencer would be ashamed of that butt.

01:02:36.000 They liked flat ones in the 60s.

01:02:39.000 Who's the girl?

01:02:40.000 Jen Seltzer?

01:02:42.000 Is that the girl who's got the most insane fucking ass on Instagram?

01:02:44.000 I don't know what you're talking about.

01:02:45.000 She's one of them, but there's no one girl anymore.

01:02:48.000 There's so many of them.

01:02:49.000 There's ass implants now.

01:02:51.000 Yeah, that's a mess.

01:02:52.000 It looks weird.

01:02:54.000 Girls are getting cancer from that.

01:02:55.000 Implants, no good.

01:02:56.000 Do you remember on MTV they had a show called True Life and there was a guy that got calf implants?

01:03:03.000 Do you remember that by any chance?

01:03:04.000 No.

01:03:04.000 I remember that so vividly.

01:03:06.000 I do remember that from True Life.

01:03:07.000 And I was like, what a fucking...

01:03:09.000 As someone who's never had all those muscles, I would always seek those guys and be like, I'd rather not...

01:03:21.000 I saw that as such a pathetic thing to do.

01:03:24.000 You have a foreign body that's sticking inside of you.

01:03:27.000 The real problem with that is the same thing that happens to some women when they get breast implants, they get cancer.

01:03:33.000 Girls are getting that in their ass now.

01:03:35.000 There's new instances of ass cancer that are directly caused by these ass implants.

01:03:40.000 The ass implants, I mean, that is obviously probably the more important statistic.

01:03:44.000 I don't think they look good.

01:03:46.000 Imagine you get ass cancer.

01:03:47.000 It's crazy.

01:03:47.000 Imagine getting ass cancer because you're too lazy to do squats.

01:03:50.000 Don't you find it almost more permissible, forgivable in a way to say, this woman's getting breast implants.

01:04:02.000 You go, okay.

01:04:03.000 But if a guy's like, oh, I got pec implants.

01:04:07.000 Just do fucking push-ups.

01:04:09.000 I know a dude who had pec implants.

01:04:11.000 He had a bunch of stuff done.

01:04:13.000 I know a guy who got pecking pants, and you know what I did when I saw him?

01:04:16.000 What?

01:04:17.000 Something that I never do, which is pat him on the chest, and I didn't know he had surgery the day before, and I was like, good to see.

01:04:24.000 He was like, basically almost started weeping.

01:04:27.000 And that's the only reason no one wants to confess that.

01:04:30.000 The guy that I know killed himself.

01:04:31.000 Oh, really?

01:04:32.000 Yeah, he was getting a bunch of plastic surgery, and I'm just killing himself.

01:04:34.000 This guy should.

01:04:35.000 He's the fucking...

01:04:40.000 You know Tommy Morrison got pec implants?

01:04:42.000 Did he really?

01:04:43.000 Yep.

01:04:43.000 Tommy Gunn?

01:04:44.000 Oh my god, dude.

01:04:45.000 It's gross.

01:04:46.000 Tommy Morrison went off the deep end.

01:04:47.000 He got HIV positive.

01:04:51.000 He was doing all kinds of crazy drugs.

01:04:52.000 And he got pec implants and they were preposterous.

01:04:56.000 Jamie, I know you're on this.

01:04:57.000 Look at that.

01:04:58.000 Look at that.

01:05:00.000 That's him after we won a fight.

01:05:01.000 HIV positive with pec implants.

01:05:04.000 That looks horrible.

01:05:05.000 Yeah, but there's even worse pictures.

01:05:06.000 But look at the picture of him when he didn't have them.

01:05:09.000 Right there, right?

01:05:11.000 No, he probably had them there.

01:05:12.000 That's pec implants.

01:05:13.000 Yeah, those are pec implants.

01:05:14.000 That's when he didn't have them.

01:05:15.000 That's when he fought George Foreman.

01:05:16.000 He was fucking jacked when he was young.

01:05:18.000 I mean, he looked fantastic.

01:05:19.000 Damn, he punched George Foreman.

01:05:20.000 Did he win that fight?

01:05:20.000 No.

01:05:22.000 Yes, he did.

01:05:23.000 He beat George Foreman.

01:05:23.000 Wow.

01:05:24.000 George Foreman was 74. George Foreman was like 55. Dude, he was still murking people.

01:05:28.000 He won a decision over George Foreman, which is a substantial victory.

01:05:32.000 He's like the chicken of boxing.

01:05:35.000 What do you mean?

01:05:35.000 Remember chicken?

01:05:36.000 The comic?

01:05:37.000 No, he beat some good guys, man.

01:05:39.000 He beat Razor Ruddock.

01:05:40.000 Yes, he did.

01:05:41.000 He beat Razor Ruddock.

01:05:42.000 He stopped him, dropped him with a big left hook.

01:05:44.000 Tommy Marsden had a nasty left hook.

01:05:46.000 He just couldn't win the big fight, and he got destroyed by Ray Mercer after Rocky.

01:05:51.000 Look at that picture of him after he got arrested.

01:05:52.000 See that picture right next to your cursor?

01:05:54.000 Above that, Jamie, right there.

01:05:56.000 That's him on the right-hand side, HIV positive, all fucked up after he got arrested.

01:06:02.000 Yeah.

01:06:02.000 Did he ever get AIDS? He looked like he was...

01:06:04.000 He died?

01:06:04.000 I think he died of AIDS. But that was with him.

01:06:07.000 Oh my God!

01:06:07.000 He was falling apart.

01:06:08.000 His life was over.

01:06:10.000 I mean, he would just...

01:06:11.000 44?

01:06:11.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:06:12.000 He died real young.

01:06:13.000 Wow.

01:06:14.000 And that was him at 44. He looks like a seven-year-old man.

01:06:16.000 He died at 44?

01:06:17.000 Yeah.

01:06:18.000 Yeah.

01:06:19.000 He was not doing good, man.

01:06:20.000 Damn, dude.

01:06:21.000 He got addicted to all kinds of drugs and it was just, you know, his health fell apart.

01:06:25.000 It was not good.

01:06:26.000 I wish someone would do a documentary on chicken.

01:06:29.000 He got famous.

01:06:30.000 I mean, Tommy Morrison got famous.

01:06:33.000 He was a good boxer, like a really good boxer.

01:06:35.000 And then he got famous from that Rocky movie, and then his whole life fell apart.

01:06:39.000 He was so good in that movie.

01:06:41.000 Dude, I remember we were in high school when that movie was out, and we were standing up in the aisles, like going, come on, come on, rock!

01:06:46.000 It was a good fucking movie.

01:06:48.000 It was a good boxing movie.

01:06:49.000 He was a good actor in it.

01:06:50.000 There's always a thing, though, right?

01:06:52.000 If a white boxer is decent, there's a great white hope kind of factor to it.

01:06:56.000 Except Russians.

01:06:58.000 See, Vadovich Klitschko held the title forever, and no one gave a fuck.

01:07:01.000 Right, because he's not American.

01:07:02.000 Well, he wasn't American, and also he had kind of a boring style.

01:07:06.000 But that's him in the movie.

01:07:08.000 But in real life, he was a very good boxer up until the time that he did that Rocky movie.

01:07:13.000 But I think Pussy was just like, they were putting Pussy in slingshots and just shooting it at him.

01:07:18.000 I mean, he was a handsome guy.

01:07:20.000 He was a movie star.

01:07:22.000 And people thought that he was going to be the next heavyweight champion in the world.

01:07:25.000 Did you ever see the Ray Mercer fight?

01:07:27.000 Oh, cue that up.

01:07:28.000 Because it's one of the most brutal knockouts.

01:07:31.000 Just cue up Ray Mercer KO's Tommy Morrison.

01:07:34.000 Wow.

01:07:34.000 It is fucking horrible.

01:07:37.000 I mean, it is one of the worst, because he gets tangled in the ropes.

01:07:40.000 And he keeps hitting them?

01:07:41.000 I was watching with my friend Kevin.

01:07:43.000 We were at a bar, and we were watching it.

01:07:45.000 And just go to the part where he gets KO'd.

01:07:48.000 Go to the end?

01:07:48.000 It's fucking rough, man.

01:07:50.000 He gets caught.

01:07:51.000 He gets, before that.

01:07:53.000 Before that.

01:07:53.000 Way before that.

01:07:55.000 He gets...

01:07:55.000 Yeah, so he gets...

01:07:56.000 Yeah, there it is.

01:07:57.000 Before...

01:07:58.000 Just go right before this.

01:07:59.000 So Ray Mercer...

01:08:00.000 He started getting tired and Ray Mercer catches him in the corner and he unloads on him and Tommy Morrison's arms get tangled in the rope so he can't go down.

01:08:07.000 Like, look at this.

01:08:09.000 See, he's tangled in the ropes.

01:08:10.000 Oh, fuck.

01:08:11.000 Bro.

01:08:12.000 I mean, it was one of the worst KOs I ever remember seeing.

01:08:15.000 Look at that.

01:08:16.000 I mean, Ray Mercer was a murderous puncher.

01:08:18.000 Just teeing off on him.

01:08:19.000 He was an Olympic gold medalist.

01:08:20.000 Damn, late stoppage.

01:08:22.000 Well, yeah.

01:08:23.000 The referee was scared to get in there.

01:08:25.000 That's the 90s for you, huh?

01:08:27.000 Referee was scared to get in there.

01:08:28.000 And Ray Mercer was, back then, top flight.

01:08:30.000 Like, no one's cheering.

01:08:31.000 Is Ray Mercer the one who fought that white MMA guy?

01:08:34.000 Yeah, Tim Sylvia KO'd him with one punch.

01:08:37.000 And that was a rough one, too, because they were supposed to have a boxing match and Tim Sylvia kicked his leg.

01:08:42.000 Yeah, they both agreed, though.

01:08:43.000 Like, it's MMA, but we're not going to kick.

01:08:44.000 This is why the commission wouldn't allow it to be a boxing match, because Ray Mercer was a world champion in Olympic gold medals, and Tim Sylvia did not have an MMA fight, or did not have a boxing fight.

01:08:55.000 A boxing fight.

01:08:56.000 But he was, you know, a very high-level MMA fighter, but he was past his prime.

01:09:01.000 So they decided to have...

01:09:03.000 They called it an MMA fight.

01:09:05.000 Ray Mercer was, I think he was 40. They had a gentleman's agreement.

01:09:07.000 I think Ray Mercer was 46 at a time.

01:09:08.000 So here's a gentleman's agreement.

01:09:09.000 Look at the look at his face.

01:09:10.000 Like, come on, man.

01:09:11.000 You just said we're not going to do that.

01:09:13.000 It's just natural.

01:09:13.000 Watch him setting this up.

01:09:15.000 Bang!

01:09:17.000 And then he gets on top of him and goes, oh, I've never been able to do this before.

01:09:20.000 But I mean, the whole fight takes a few seconds.

01:09:23.000 Look at this.

01:09:23.000 That is a hammer of a punch.

01:09:26.000 That's a slow fall.

01:09:27.000 Yeah.

01:09:27.000 And, you know, it was already way past Tim Sylvia's prime.

01:09:31.000 Tim Sylvia, when he was young, he was a fucking animal.

01:09:34.000 He was the one that let his arm get broken.

01:09:35.000 Yes.

01:09:36.000 I remember watching that.

01:09:37.000 He wanted to keep fighting.

01:09:37.000 Frank Mir broke his arm.

01:09:39.000 I remember one of my first fights I ever went to.

01:09:41.000 And it was when you could just kind of move up until people sat in the front.

01:09:44.000 You could just sit there, you know, like a baseball game.

01:09:46.000 And then Tim Silver was there, and Tate was there with me.

01:09:49.000 And he said hi to him, and he was wearing his belt.

01:09:52.000 And it might be my first ever fight.

01:09:54.000 He had a championship belt.

01:09:55.000 And I was like, later to Tate, I was like, are they supposed to wear their belts out?

01:09:58.000 And he goes, no, he just does that.

01:10:00.000 Tim Silley wore that belt everywhere.

01:10:02.000 He wore gloves.

01:10:03.000 Fuck yeah.

01:10:04.000 He's the heavyweight champion of the world.

01:10:05.000 Just wears his belt, adds his belt.

01:10:08.000 Look, man, when you're the heavyweight champion of the world, you can do whatever the fuck you want.

01:10:11.000 You want to bring that thing everywhere?

01:10:12.000 Go ahead.

01:10:12.000 Bring it everywhere.

01:10:13.000 That would be an interesting book, Ari, is to hear maybe you and the group that...

01:10:18.000 Joe's experience with MMA has been so different, but I would love to hear an outsider's view as an insider on the growth of MMA. How it was, but then...

01:10:26.000 UFC. Yeah, because you guys were going to fights...

01:10:30.000 Oh yeah, early days.

01:10:31.000 It was barbaric.

01:10:32.000 You saw some early fights, right?

01:10:34.000 Oh yeah.

01:10:35.000 How many fights do you think you've been to?

01:10:37.000 30, 50?

01:10:38.000 Easy.

01:10:39.000 He's been to fights in other countries, Australia, Brazil, fucking everywhere.

01:10:44.000 Everywhere.

01:10:45.000 When we started going, the weigh-ins was just the fight camps.

01:10:50.000 It was just the people who were with the fighters and then like 10 fans.

01:10:53.000 Yeah, I would announce the weigh-ins.

01:10:55.000 There was no one there.

01:10:56.000 I went to a weigh-in that fucking 10,000-12,000 people went to.

01:11:01.000 I forget which one it was.

01:11:02.000 Yeah, it changed.

01:11:03.000 I was like, what?

01:11:04.000 When did it change?

01:11:05.000 I don't know.

01:11:06.000 I don't know.

01:11:07.000 It's been gradual.

01:11:09.000 2005 was really when everything shifted.

01:11:11.000 Wait, if we go to that McGregor fight, can I go see like a weigh-in and stuff?

01:11:15.000 Fuck yeah.

01:11:15.000 See everything, man.

01:11:16.000 Come with me.

01:11:16.000 Yeah, I'll bring you backstage everywhere.

01:11:18.000 I want to go so bad.

01:11:18.000 I've never been to one.

01:11:19.000 I feel like someone said, you know a lot about MMA. I go, I know a lot of names.

01:11:23.000 I know everything it seems like, but it's just from listening to the podcast.

01:11:27.000 Never been to a fight.

01:11:28.000 Never?

01:11:28.000 Oh, they're fun.

01:11:29.000 That's crazy.

01:11:30.000 You should take an edible.

01:11:32.000 Yeah.

01:11:32.000 Because it's six hours.

01:11:33.000 Yeah.

01:11:34.000 It's six hours.

01:11:35.000 That's me?

01:11:36.000 Yeah.

01:11:37.000 Well, this is the best one.

01:11:37.000 This is Ari and Duncan making out because they knew the camera was on them.

01:11:41.000 Watch this.

01:11:41.000 Bing.

01:11:41.000 Here we go.

01:11:45.000 Look at the white in their faces!

01:11:47.000 Yeah.

01:11:48.000 I've never been to one and I went one not knowing what to expect at all.

01:11:52.000 It's fun.

01:11:53.000 And being there definitely is an experience.

01:11:55.000 It's nuts.

01:11:56.000 It's completely different.

01:11:56.000 My favorite part always is when they play the Who song.

01:12:06.000 The thing is about a fight is that a fight is inherently exciting, but the energy of those arenas makes it otherworldly.

01:12:17.000 Did you go with me to the one in Toronto where it was 55,000?

01:12:21.000 Were you with that one?

01:12:24.000 The craziest ones I ever went to was Rio and Columbus.

01:12:29.000 Columbus is giant.

01:12:29.000 When Tim Sylvia fought Captain America.

01:12:32.000 Oh, when he fought Randy.

01:12:33.000 That's right.

01:12:34.000 And no one thought Randy would win, and then he won every round.

01:12:36.000 Randy dropped him early in the round.

01:12:37.000 Yeah, with the energy.

01:12:39.000 Oh, yeah, you'll go.

01:12:40.000 I can't go because I'll be in Hawaii, Oahu, Maui, and Kauai.

01:12:43.000 Are you doing gigs out there?

01:12:44.000 15, 17, and 19. AriShaphir.com or AriTheGreat.com.

01:12:47.000 Yeah, they're all there.

01:12:48.000 AriTheGreat?

01:12:48.000 Yeah, it's right after New Orleans and Atlanta.

01:12:50.000 Are you doing the Blue Note?

01:12:51.000 Yeah.

01:12:51.000 That's a great club.

01:12:52.000 In Hawaii?

01:12:53.000 Blue Note.

01:12:54.000 I would go back and do that.

01:12:57.000 You're in Hawaii.

01:12:58.000 Where's Blue Note?

01:12:58.000 Is it in Hawaii?

01:12:59.000 I mean, Maui?

01:13:00.000 It's in Oahu.

01:13:03.000 Honolulu.

01:13:03.000 Proper.

01:13:04.000 Honolulu?

01:13:05.000 Yeah.

01:13:06.000 That's a great club.

01:13:07.000 Every time I go to Hawaii, I just get drunk and lay on the beach.

01:13:10.000 It's the best.

01:13:11.000 By the way, I cannot envision that.

01:13:14.000 I bet your version of that is different than my version of that.

01:13:17.000 Oh, yeah.

01:13:17.000 I mean, I'm conscious.

01:13:18.000 I don't throw up.

01:13:20.000 Do you go for a run early in the morning so you can earn your buzz?

01:13:23.000 100%.

01:13:23.000 Nobody tries to pour water on them and save them and drag them back into the water.

01:13:26.000 I hit the gym every day.

01:13:27.000 You never watch a woman get hit in the head by a coconut and go, shut the fuck up!

01:13:31.000 You know what I was thinking yesterday in Colombia?

01:13:35.000 Because I saw a coconut tree.

01:13:36.000 You know how they say more people die, get hit in the head by a coconut?

01:13:39.000 150 people die every year.

01:13:40.000 That's not true.

01:13:41.000 No, 100%.

01:13:42.000 I saw a woman get hit on the fucking head by a coconut.

01:13:45.000 More than what?

01:13:45.000 What do they say?

01:13:46.000 Or is that more than what?

01:13:47.000 Marijuana?

01:13:49.000 No, no one dies of marijuana.

01:13:50.000 More than straight people getting AIDS, I think.

01:13:53.000 More people die from aspirin than coconuts.

01:13:56.000 3,000 people in the United States every year from aspirin.

01:13:59.000 Aspirin?

01:14:00.000 Yeah.

01:14:01.000 150 people die.

01:14:03.000 This legend gained momentum after 2002 work of a noted expert on shark attacks.

01:14:09.000 This statistic has often been contrasted with the number of shark-caused deaths per year, which is around five.

01:14:13.000 Yeah, but nobody ever lost an arm to a coconut.

01:14:16.000 Death by coconut.

01:14:16.000 I'd rather lose an arm than be dead from a coconut.

01:14:19.000 Hang on, can I pivot this conversation and say, can we do a mid-year, sober October, mid-year, and do the surfing challenge?

01:14:28.000 You know, the surfing challenge, what we need to do is go to Kelly Slater's place and do the indoor shit.

01:14:34.000 Did you see his pipeline wave?

01:14:35.000 Yeah, it's dope.

01:14:36.000 Apparently there's one in Waco that's really crazy.

01:14:38.000 My friend Kenny Fong, he owns Darkside Motoring in Chatsworth.

01:14:41.000 Shout out to Kenny.

01:14:43.000 He fucking flew into Waco, Texas with their surfboards.

01:14:47.000 And people look at him like, what the fuck are y'all doing here?

01:14:50.000 Yeah.

01:14:51.000 Chip and Joanna.

01:14:54.000 Waco apparently has a giant indoor surf joint, just like Kelly's place.

01:14:57.000 Really?

01:14:58.000 Yeah.

01:14:58.000 Wait, so does Kelly's place...

01:15:00.000 Hey, look at this.

01:15:01.000 This is fucking bananas, man.

01:15:02.000 That's an indoor.

01:15:03.000 They should have like rubber sharks that come in every once in a while.

01:15:06.000 Well, I mean, not indoors, obviously.

01:15:10.000 It's manufactured, right?

01:15:12.000 Wait, so is Kelly's place out here?

01:15:13.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:15:14.000 It's like two hours from here.

01:15:15.000 Fresno.

01:15:16.000 Fresno, yeah.

01:15:17.000 Dude, Kelly did a 24-7 on HBO for Kelly Slater for him competing in this year's Triple Crown.

01:15:24.000 And it was fucking so...

01:15:27.000 It makes you...

01:15:28.000 I watched it and I was like, dude, I just...

01:15:30.000 Well, it's not fake.

01:15:31.000 It's generated by man.

01:15:32.000 But it's a real water wave.

01:15:33.000 And you can learn how to surf on these motherfuckers.

01:15:36.000 Obviously, it's going to be so uniform.

01:15:38.000 Dude, that's so much easier because you don't have to wait to get a wave.

01:15:41.000 You don't have to learn where to sit on the fucking...

01:15:45.000 Dude, I'm telling you, man.

01:15:46.000 That 24-7 for Kelly Slater, everyone's got to watch it.

01:15:49.000 It's so good.

01:15:50.000 That guy is such a...

01:15:51.000 I've known of him since I was probably...

01:15:54.000 Kid, man.

01:15:55.000 I'd say he was 11 years old.

01:15:56.000 Dude, we used to...

01:15:57.000 The celebrity of living where I lived was that Kelly...

01:16:01.000 Kelly Slater.

01:16:02.000 ...would surf at Sebastian Inlet.

01:16:05.000 Monster Hole.

01:16:06.000 So I was in Vero, and Sebastian's north of Vero, and they're like, Kelly Slater surfs at Sebastian.

01:16:11.000 I don't even know if it's true.

01:16:12.000 He put Cocoa Beach on the map.

01:16:14.000 I mean, Ron John was out of Cocoa Beach, but you knew Kelly Slater was Cocoa Beach.

01:16:19.000 Dude, I went to surf at Cocoa Beach.

01:16:21.000 And I was like, you go out in the lineup and you're just looking around when you're a kid going, is Kelly Slater going to be here?

01:16:27.000 I knew his name when I was fucking 12, 13. There's a certain celebrity that comes with being a wave rider, like a badass wave rider.

01:16:34.000 It's a different kind of celebrity.

01:16:35.000 It's like, that dude's a savage.

01:16:37.000 And he was not in Saved by the Bell?

01:16:39.000 No, that's different than Slater.

01:16:41.000 He was in Baywatch, though.

01:16:42.000 That's Mario Lopez, bro.

01:16:43.000 Oh, different guy.

01:16:45.000 I'm telling you, man.

01:16:47.000 I'm getting it now.

01:16:48.000 Kelly Slater, the wave he caught at Pipeline.

01:16:51.000 Can you pull that up, the Pipeline?

01:16:52.000 He just caught a wave at Pipeline.

01:16:53.000 Did you see that wave?

01:16:55.000 No, I didn't.

01:16:55.000 You've got to pull this up.

01:16:56.000 He's an amazing fucking athlete, for sure.

01:16:59.000 He's a good dude, too.

01:16:59.000 And I love that he's competitive.

01:17:00.000 Yeah.

01:17:01.000 I love that.

01:17:02.000 What do you mean?

01:17:02.000 Of course he's a world champion.

01:17:04.000 No, but people squash that shit and they don't say it publicly.

01:17:07.000 He was on your podcast and he was talking about like, oh, I used to get obsessed with ping pong.

01:17:11.000 Oh, sure.

01:17:12.000 Dude, is this the wave?

01:17:14.000 And he's an older guy, too, which is crazy.

01:17:17.000 What year did they have to stop doing this?

01:17:20.000 Kelly's in his 40s, right?

01:17:22.000 Gotta be.

01:17:22.000 He retired.

01:17:23.000 He won an 8th Pipe Masters.

01:17:26.000 May have retired?

01:17:28.000 If he was going to win, I think he was going to definitely retire.

01:17:31.000 He's 47 years old.

01:17:32.000 Perfect 10. Go down.

01:17:33.000 Perfect 10. That's incredible.

01:17:35.000 Go to Perfect 10. Kelly Slater, Perfect 10. This wave, Joe, is like...

01:17:40.000 Where do you see this?

01:17:41.000 Perfect Tenet Pipeline.

01:17:43.000 This wave is fucking...

01:17:44.000 Is that it right there?

01:17:45.000 It's got it.

01:17:45.000 I hope so.

01:17:46.000 It's twice as high.

01:17:47.000 Three times as high.

01:17:48.000 The drop-in's fucking sick, and it closes out on him.

01:17:51.000 Look at that.

01:17:52.000 That's crazy.

01:17:52.000 Look at this.

01:17:54.000 And you're like, wait.

01:17:54.000 So he's through it while it's closing on top of him and hitting him in the face.

01:17:59.000 Oh my god.

01:18:00.000 I don't know.

01:18:00.000 That's bonkers, man.

01:18:02.000 Do you think it is...

01:18:03.000 Do you think that that feeling right there is like a perfect show where you get a standing ovation?

01:18:09.000 Look at that.

01:18:10.000 Do you ever get...

01:18:11.000 He's hitting him in the face as he's trying to stay on board.

01:18:14.000 What kind of fucking balance...

01:18:15.000 Watch this water.

01:18:16.000 Yeah, he knows it.

01:18:17.000 He's like, if I can just get through here, I've got it.

01:18:19.000 Look at this.

01:18:20.000 Right here.

01:18:20.000 Look at this.

01:18:21.000 It's hitting him in the face.

01:18:23.000 And he still hangs in there.

01:18:25.000 But look at this part.

01:18:25.000 Look at this feeling he's got.

01:18:27.000 Woo!

01:18:28.000 Right?

01:18:28.000 Yes.

01:18:29.000 I've had that coming off stage before, but I can't be like that.

01:18:31.000 It can't be like that.

01:18:32.000 But he's also 47 and still able to do this, which is incredible because you've got to think that for high-level athletics like this, that is...

01:18:41.000 Oh, he's competing against 22-year-olds for sure.

01:18:43.000 That's about his...

01:18:44.000 High as you get, right?

01:18:46.000 Do you think he knows halfway through this, like, oh, this is on the pace right now for perfection?

01:18:51.000 Dude, you've got to see this 24-7 because he talks about getting out in the lineup and going, like, sometimes the waves just don't show up.

01:18:58.000 You can't change that.

01:18:59.000 Right.

01:18:59.000 And then sometimes you go...

01:19:01.000 Fuck it.

01:19:01.000 I gotta roll the dice.

01:19:02.000 This looks like a shit wave, and it may fuck me over, but obviously these are my words.

01:19:08.000 And then he's like, I'm gonna do it.

01:19:09.000 And on this thing, he pulls out like a fucking nine on a wave, and everyone's like, what the fuck?

01:19:15.000 He's still got it!

01:19:16.000 But it's really crazy, man.

01:19:18.000 That wave, I saw that because I just watched that thing, and Andrew Schultz is a big surfer.

01:19:23.000 Schultz is a surfer?

01:19:25.000 Hardcore, bro.

01:19:26.000 He lives in New York.

01:19:27.000 They have Long Beach people surfing Long Beach.

01:19:29.000 And he moved out to LA to go to school up at Santa Barbara to go surfing.

01:19:35.000 That was his goal.

01:19:36.000 He was like, I'll surf every day.

01:19:36.000 And then he got out there and was like, fuck this.

01:19:38.000 I'm going to get into college.

01:19:41.000 Hot chicks, nice weather.

01:19:43.000 Kelly Slater gets the perfect 10 and all his competition is 22-year-old guys.

01:19:48.000 And they're like, you're a legend, man.

01:19:50.000 You're a legend.

01:19:50.000 He's like, you should see the fucking three girls I fucked this morning.

01:19:53.000 Alright, man.

01:19:53.000 Nice to meet you.

01:19:54.000 He still is doing...

01:19:57.000 Crazy shit, right?

01:19:58.000 Like, he's fucking banging models.

01:20:02.000 Is he?

01:20:02.000 Oh, for sure.

01:20:04.000 No, he's got a chick.

01:20:05.000 He's got a chick.

01:20:05.000 Beautiful chick.

01:20:06.000 But you should have seen Kelly Slater with hair.

01:20:08.000 Have you ever seen Kelly Slater with hair?

01:20:10.000 Is he more handsome?

01:20:11.000 Oh, bro.

01:20:11.000 Pull up a picture of fuckboy.

01:20:14.000 Like, young fuckboy Kelly Slater.

01:20:15.000 Like, not fuckboy in a good way, you know?

01:20:17.000 Like, he was gorgeous.

01:20:18.000 This is the part of the podcast that he's not going to enjoy.

01:20:20.000 I didn't mean fuck going a bad way.

01:20:22.000 He was enjoying us playing the video.

01:20:24.000 Look at young Kelly Slater with hair.

01:20:26.000 Are you shitting me?

01:20:27.000 This is movie star looks.

01:20:29.000 That's the problem.

01:20:30.000 Look at that fucking picture!

01:20:31.000 It's amazing when you're that handsome that you get anything done.

01:20:35.000 Right?

01:20:36.000 Yeah, exactly.

01:20:37.000 That's the problem with really, really good looking guys.

01:20:39.000 They're slinging so much.

01:20:41.000 Oh, he was in Baywatch.

01:20:42.000 He was.

01:20:44.000 Kelly Slater with hair might be...

01:20:47.000 Look at that.

01:20:48.000 Handsome bastard.

01:20:49.000 With Pamela Anderson back when she was Pamela Anderson.

01:20:51.000 Kapow, before she was fucking Julian Assange in an embassy somewhere.

01:20:54.000 You think they were boning?

01:20:55.000 Woo!

01:20:56.000 What?

01:20:56.000 For sure!

01:20:57.000 Why would she fly all the way over there and not fuck him?

01:21:00.000 Oh, she did?

01:21:01.000 Yeah.

01:21:01.000 You ever see her in The View just laying down the fucking truth to those ladies?

01:21:05.000 And they treated her like a model and she was like, no, no, I've actually researched a bunch of information I'd like to talk about.

01:21:09.000 Damn.

01:21:10.000 It was pretty fucking cool.

01:21:12.000 Well, The View.

01:21:15.000 They should do a fantasy camp of chicks you could fuck.

01:21:18.000 The view is this, but they talk about serious shit and people take them seriously.

01:21:22.000 Take them real seriously.

01:21:23.000 Yeah, but there's two more, and they're cackling over each other and yelling at each other and telling each other to calm down.

01:21:28.000 I think I'm one of those two.

01:21:29.000 The thing is, though, they're not even friends.

01:21:31.000 That's what's weird about that show that'll never work.

01:21:34.000 I guess it works.

01:21:35.000 It works.

01:21:35.000 No, but it doesn't really.

01:21:37.000 I mean, the conversations are gross.

01:21:38.000 And they talk over each other.

01:21:40.000 They had a big fight that was publicized.

01:21:42.000 But like a big one.

01:21:43.000 But they always do it.

01:21:44.000 They have like the blonde lady who's a Republican.

01:21:46.000 I mean, how many times have they tried that?

01:21:47.000 The football player's wife.

01:21:48.000 The Elizabeth Hasselhoff guy.

01:21:50.000 I was thinking of the other one.

01:21:53.000 McCain.

01:21:54.000 Yeah, Meghan McCain now.

01:21:55.000 That's the new one.

01:21:56.000 They always have the blonde.

01:21:57.000 And then Whoopi.

01:22:00.000 Before it was Whoopi.

01:22:01.000 Was Whoopi always there?

01:22:02.000 They had Barbara Walters was there.

01:22:04.000 They had Rosie O'Donnell.

01:22:06.000 Rosie O'Donnell was there for a long time.

01:22:07.000 She would battle with the Hasselhoffer.

01:22:09.000 It's funny to think of what goes in to producing The View and what it is, right?

01:22:17.000 It's people talking about it.

01:22:18.000 But I'm saying you think of the production, the people, the makeup, the grips, the sound people, the producers taking notes, and then you're doing this is the same thing.

01:22:31.000 You know what I mean?

01:22:31.000 Like, the conversation is happening, but without all the nonsense.

01:22:35.000 Yeah, without any nonsense.

01:22:37.000 That's the difference between TV and this.

01:22:39.000 Well, I bet that show would be better if you just let them just talk.

01:22:43.000 It definitely would be.

01:22:43.000 There's no commercials.

01:22:44.000 It'd also be more popular.

01:22:46.000 Probably.

01:22:47.000 How popular is it?

01:22:48.000 It's been on for a long time.

01:22:50.000 Right, but what do you think it gets on an average day?

01:22:53.000 I think more than, like, sitcoms.

01:22:55.000 Like a couple million views?

01:22:56.000 No, more.

01:22:57.000 Really?

01:22:57.000 I think it's like all these housewives at home with nothing to do with their dumb, boring lives.

01:23:01.000 Five million views, probably, I'm guessing.

01:23:02.000 Five million viewers?

01:23:03.000 I'd say 20. Let's do this.

01:23:04.000 Let's flip it.

01:23:05.000 20?

01:23:05.000 Fuck it.

01:23:06.000 That's my guess.

01:23:07.000 No, it's not 20. Let's flip it the other way, okay?

01:23:10.000 A hundred million.

01:23:10.000 How about this?

01:23:11.000 Oh, God.

01:23:12.000 What a fake.

01:23:12.000 What could you add from what they have, their business model, that would increase, would better your show?

01:23:19.000 Zero.

01:23:20.000 I know one.

01:23:21.000 I know one.

01:23:24.000 Maybe they could put makeup on my head so I wouldn't be so shiny.

01:23:28.000 Do you know the viewers?

01:23:29.000 Do you find it or no?

01:23:31.000 Last month they averaged about 2.6 million.

01:23:34.000 I guess that's per show.

01:23:36.000 The difference is how many people are fans and how many people are just flipping through channels.

01:23:41.000 Because there's nothing else on.

01:23:42.000 I've seen episodes of The View.

01:23:43.000 I bet you have.

01:23:45.000 I definitely have.

01:23:45.000 Like, when Norm was on...

01:23:47.000 Do you see when Norm was on?

01:23:50.000 That was the best.

01:23:50.000 That was the best episode of the movie.

01:23:52.000 What did Norm do with him?

01:23:53.000 Norm says...

01:23:54.000 Norm at one point says, I've never had consensual sex with a woman.

01:24:00.000 I just see what they do.

01:24:02.000 No, no, no, no, no!

01:24:03.000 He just got tripped up in his words, and he was on this apology tour, and he was like...

01:24:08.000 It was right as...

01:24:09.000 Set the stage.

01:24:10.000 It's right as his Netflix show is about to air.

01:24:14.000 And he gets in big trouble because he's on Stern.

01:24:17.000 No, no, no.

01:24:18.000 Hold on.

01:24:18.000 Start it over.

01:24:19.000 He defends Louis first.

01:24:22.000 Okay.

01:24:22.000 Louis and Roseanne.

01:24:23.000 And Louis and Roseanne.

01:24:25.000 Then he goes on Stern...

01:24:26.000 And when he's on Stern, instead of saying, like, you'd have to be retarded to laugh at this or to think this, he'd be like, you'd have to have Down syndrome.

01:24:37.000 He thinks that's better because he thinks Down syndrome is okay to say, but retarded is bad because it's the R word.

01:24:44.000 So he's just a pinball.

01:24:45.000 So he says it a bunch, and they're about to launch the show.

01:24:49.000 So, of course, like, you know, everybody involved is, like, panicking.

01:24:53.000 Like, you need to make it clear you have a new show launching.

01:24:55.000 You got it, you got it.

01:24:56.000 So he goes on The View, and he's like, yeah.

01:24:59.000 He's like, yeah.

01:25:02.000 And he is, you can see, you can mute this and watch this.

01:25:06.000 He is eating mints, like, as he, and popping them in his mouth.

01:25:11.000 Oh!

01:25:12.000 Joe, he's literally eating mints.

01:25:14.000 And shaking them in his hand.

01:25:15.000 He's like, man, I feel real bad about that.

01:25:18.000 And he's like...

01:25:19.000 Why would I talk about Louis?

01:25:21.000 I've never even had consensual sex with a girl.

01:25:23.000 And they're like, Norm, you've never had consensual sex with a girl?

01:25:25.000 He goes, why would I? And they're like, I think you're misspeaking, Norm.

01:25:28.000 And then you see him, you're on daytime.

01:25:32.000 He's like, yeah, so...

01:25:36.000 I feel real bad about that.

01:25:37.000 He's a fucking wild man.

01:25:39.000 He is the best.

01:25:40.000 He is such a wild man.

01:25:41.000 I was just talking to Adam about this.

01:25:43.000 Do you remember the time you came?

01:25:45.000 We can't tell the full story because I think Norm wouldn't be comfortable with it.

01:25:48.000 But do you remember the time right before the election where you had a vape pen that was really strong and Norm came back?

01:25:54.000 Yes.

01:25:55.000 Do you remember what he said to us?

01:25:57.000 No, what did he say?

01:25:58.000 I wish I could say it out loud.

01:26:00.000 It was the funniest.

01:26:04.000 I got him fucked up.

01:26:06.000 He was not ready.

01:26:07.000 I got him fucked up.

01:26:09.000 I smoked weed before this.

01:26:12.000 Guys that don't smoke weed a lot, they just do it occasionally, they think they remember what weed is.

01:26:18.000 Right.

01:26:19.000 This weed that they're fucking with today is a different animal.

01:26:22.000 And the pen is so innocuous, it's just vaporizing.

01:26:27.000 Hash.

01:26:28.000 Hash.

01:26:28.000 Yeah, but it was hash oil in the pen.

01:26:31.000 It was fucking, it was nuclear.

01:26:33.000 I smoked with him one time in a parking lot in Irvine right before I was with Ryan Sickler.

01:26:39.000 Ryan always has good weed.

01:26:41.000 And we met Norm and we were about to go in and he smoked.

01:26:46.000 Dude, he's like such a comfortable comic.

01:26:50.000 He doesn't need like handing some time alone to get my mind right before this.

01:26:55.000 They were in the parking lot.

01:26:57.000 He takes a fucking monster hit of strong weed and he starts coughing, like coughing enough to make like a tear cum where you're like...

01:27:06.000 And then we walk into the Irvine Improv and they're announcing him.

01:27:10.000 He just walks on stage and he just starts talking about the soda he's drinking and killing with it.

01:27:16.000 Like just off the top of his head, just totally comfortable.

01:27:19.000 He's one of the funniest guys ever.

01:27:21.000 Him and Stanhope changed the way I did this next special.

01:27:24.000 This next special was like...

01:27:25.000 Because I love those guys that grow.

01:27:28.000 You know?

01:27:28.000 That when you see them, they're not doing their like...

01:27:30.000 There's nothing wrong with it, but they're doing the exact same type of stuff they did in the last one.

01:27:34.000 They're just changing the names a little bit.

01:27:36.000 Right, right.

01:27:37.000 I know what you're saying.

01:27:37.000 And I looked at...

01:27:38.000 I called Stanhope...

01:27:39.000 Maybe one of the most...

01:27:43.000 Yeah.

01:28:03.000 I was like, yeah.

01:28:04.000 And he goes, so we could write one, couldn't we?

01:28:06.000 He was like, I'm going to tell you what I got.

01:28:08.000 And he reads a couple of knock-knock jokes.

01:28:09.000 And I was like, yeah, why the fuck aren't we fucking with the format?

01:28:13.000 And then Norm.

01:28:14.000 I see Norm.

01:28:15.000 And Norm has the best joke.

01:28:16.000 I'm going to tell you the joke is that great.

01:28:18.000 It's the best joke.

01:28:19.000 Is he still doing it?

01:28:20.000 No.

01:28:23.000 Norm, this for me was like, why aren't we sometimes taking a step back to take a step forward, right?

01:28:30.000 Norm has a joke.

01:28:31.000 He goes, I got a new neighbor.

01:28:32.000 I see the neighbor and I said, hey neighbor, what do you do for a living?

01:28:36.000 The neighbor says, Norm, I'm a professor of logic down at the University of Science.

01:28:42.000 And Norm says, what's that?

01:28:43.000 He goes, well, Norm, it's hard for me to explain.

01:28:46.000 It's easier for me to just show you what I do.

01:28:48.000 Norm, do you have a dog, Alice?

01:28:50.000 And Norm goes, I do.

01:28:51.000 And he goes, well, then you must have a dog, logically.

01:28:53.000 And he goes, I do have a dog.

01:28:55.000 And he goes, all right.

01:28:56.000 And if you have a dog, logically, I can assume you must have a child.

01:28:59.000 Do you have a child, Norm?

01:29:00.000 And he goes, I do have a child.

01:29:02.000 He goes, well, if you have a child, logically, I can assume you must be married to a woman.

01:29:06.000 Are you married to a woman, Norm?

01:29:07.000 And he goes, I am.

01:29:08.000 He goes, Norm, then logically I can assume you're a straight white male.

01:29:13.000 And Norm goes, wow, that's amazing.

01:29:16.000 So the next day, Norm's down at a bus stop having a cigarette, sees another one of his neighbors.

01:29:20.000 The neighbor says, Norm, did you meet the new neighbor?

01:29:22.000 He goes, yeah, I did.

01:29:23.000 He goes, what's he do for a living?

01:29:25.000 He goes, he's a professor of logic down at the University of Science.

01:29:29.000 He goes, what is that?

01:29:29.000 And he goes, well, it's hard for me to explain, but it's much easier for me to show.

01:29:34.000 Guy goes, yeah.

01:29:34.000 And he goes, yeah.

01:29:35.000 And Norm goes, hey, do you have a doghouse?

01:29:36.000 He goes, no.

01:29:37.000 And he goes, well, then you must be a faggot.

01:29:47.000 It's a great joke.

01:29:48.000 It's a great joke.

01:29:50.000 We're all funny.

01:29:52.000 Because that's a problematic word, and it's banned.

01:29:57.000 You're such a piece of shit.

01:30:00.000 You're like, why can't we say it?

01:30:03.000 No, no, no, no, no.

01:30:05.000 It sure sounds like that.

01:30:07.000 No, no, no.

01:30:09.000 I can't make jokes like that.

01:30:11.000 It's a great joke.

01:30:13.000 It's a great joke, but that old school joke writing, we all stepped away from, but what if we could tether ourselves to it a tad bit in what we're doing now?

01:30:22.000 Norman does that.

01:30:23.000 Mark Norman does jokes like that.

01:30:24.000 Mark Norman does, but stand up going, I'm writing knock-knock jokes, just for a writing exercise, where you go, what if you just wrote a book?

01:30:32.000 Banger knock-knock joke.

01:30:34.000 You can do it.

01:30:35.000 You can do it.

01:30:35.000 I did it for this special.

01:30:37.000 I wrote something like that.

01:30:39.000 When are your specials coming out?

01:30:41.000 I can't say it yet, but I know.

01:30:43.000 You can't say it yet, but you know.

01:30:45.000 They just do that.

01:30:46.000 They just tell you.

01:30:48.000 It's interesting.

01:30:49.000 I wonder if that hurts.

01:30:50.000 They say don't waste your time.

01:30:50.000 How does that hurt?

01:30:51.000 Promoting it ahead of time, but you can still promote it ahead of time.

01:30:54.000 You know what you can say?

01:30:56.000 I think they actually do request at Netflix that you don't release the time.

01:31:01.000 So people can't get souped up for it?

01:31:05.000 They want to be the ones that tell.

01:31:08.000 That comes with spending a lot of money.

01:31:11.000 I'm going big for this special.

01:31:13.000 In what way?

01:31:14.000 Tommy knows.

01:31:15.000 I got big plans.

01:31:17.000 Your videos?

01:31:17.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:31:18.000 Promotion videos?

01:31:18.000 No, no, no, no, no, no.

01:31:19.000 I'm going to do something different.

01:31:20.000 Are you saying something that you can't say?

01:31:22.000 Yeah, so let's change the subject.

01:31:23.000 Well, what the fuck is this?

01:31:23.000 Yeah, let's change the subject.

01:31:24.000 This is nonsense.

01:31:25.000 You're hurting people's feelings at home.

01:31:27.000 You are going to do something.

01:31:28.000 But I think that's what's cool about comedy.

01:31:31.000 That's why I've always liked...

01:31:34.000 Like, I like guys that go against grain, but like Burr, I feel like Burr every time does something different, like challenges himself with an act out or something.

01:31:42.000 He does.

01:31:43.000 You know?

01:31:43.000 He does.

01:31:44.000 He always says that.

01:31:44.000 He was like, figure out what to do bad and then just only do that for a while.

01:31:47.000 Yeah, he's like, I didn't do like the back and forth conversation style bit.

01:31:52.000 I'm going to work on that in this special and then he'll be in that special.

01:31:55.000 It was so good.

01:31:56.000 I know what you're talking about because I talked to Burr about this too.

01:31:58.000 It's the one with this, when he adopts the two sons.

01:32:01.000 Yeah.

01:32:02.000 Yeah.

01:32:02.000 It's one of the best.

01:32:02.000 I watched that on my treadmill, drinking wine in my man cave, and I went...

01:32:06.000 Wait a minute, you're drinking wine on the treadmill?

01:32:08.000 Yeah, always.

01:32:09.000 This is part of the routine.

01:32:10.000 It's called multitasking, Joe.

01:32:11.000 Get into it.

01:32:12.000 It saves your time.

01:32:13.000 Maybe hire a fucking trainer.

01:32:14.000 That one joke...

01:32:15.000 Have you thought about hiring a trainer?

01:32:17.000 No.

01:32:17.000 That one joke is fucking...

01:32:20.000 Is that his last special?

01:32:21.000 No.

01:32:21.000 No, it's like three specials ago.

01:32:23.000 I think not enough people challenge themselves to get outside the box, I think.

01:32:29.000 In our business.

01:32:30.000 Do you write right, Bert?

01:32:31.000 Do you sit down and write?

01:32:33.000 A little bit, but not too much.

01:32:35.000 That means no.

01:32:35.000 No, no, no.

01:32:36.000 Because what happens, Joe, is that it becomes...

01:32:38.000 I don't much.

01:32:39.000 It becomes too much for you to remember on stage.

01:32:42.000 So what I do is I'll write bullet points of things that pop for me, but to sit and longhand write, it becomes too much information.

01:32:49.000 I don't remember it.

01:32:50.000 And I've done it a bunch.

01:32:52.000 Your brain doesn't even work like that.

01:32:53.000 I get too, like, presentational when I do that, too.

01:32:57.000 I try to recite it as I wrote it instead of just, like, just say it.

01:33:00.000 Do you have any bits that feel, like, that are so word-specific they feel like you're reciting?

01:33:06.000 Not in a bad way, but it's just like...

01:33:09.000 Off the road for a while, and then I try doing it at a club, like a comedy store or The Stand or something like that, and then I start doing it.

01:33:16.000 I'm like, oh, I'm reciting this instead of talking to an audience of 40 or 50. It feels weird.

01:33:22.000 The small crowd will make you talk to them.

01:33:24.000 The more time you spend in preparation, and this is something that I didn't start doing until about two years ago, actually preparing for shows, like going over notes.

01:33:34.000 And one of the things that I have in the writer of my contract, I write...

01:33:37.000 Index cards, right?

01:33:38.000 Index cards, yeah.

01:33:39.000 Index cards.

01:33:39.000 I got that from Kevin James.

01:33:41.000 Really?

01:33:41.000 Yeah, I have Kevin James as a rider.

01:33:42.000 And your white wine.

01:33:43.000 Yeah, white wine.

01:33:44.000 I took that out.

01:33:45.000 And you also have all white couches and white flowers in your dressing room.

01:33:49.000 White M&M's.

01:33:51.000 Only white drivers.

01:33:52.000 Who's the racist now?

01:33:53.000 White limos.

01:33:54.000 No, I think the white...

01:33:57.000 That was like an old...

01:33:58.000 Tommy Davidson.

01:33:59.000 Yeah, like a J-Lo thing.

01:34:01.000 Tommy Davidson's a white limo has to pick me up.

01:34:03.000 I think that's Eddie Griffin.

01:34:04.000 I think that's Eddie Griffin.

01:34:06.000 Oh, really?

01:34:06.000 No, I think that was D-Ray.

01:34:10.000 You guys are saying those are not the same people?

01:34:13.000 I actually worked at a club once where they were like, there was somebody here who requested a white, here's the thing, it wasn't like a white limo, they were like a white Yukon.

01:34:23.000 Like it had to be a specific model vehicle.

01:34:27.000 And they did not pick it up and that person chose to wait at the airport.

01:34:32.000 That's what I heard was Tommy Davidson, it was a story I heard like that.

01:34:36.000 I love those people who are like, I put these crazy things in my writer to make sure they're reading it, but that's the only thing they put in their writer.

01:34:42.000 Is that thing.

01:34:43.000 So it's like, you're not putting it in for that, you want that thing.

01:34:45.000 You want that thing.

01:34:46.000 Just say it.

01:34:47.000 Yeah.

01:34:47.000 Well, that's in the Marvelous Mrs. Maison.

01:34:50.000 You gotta put things in your writer or people don't take you seriously.

01:34:53.000 That's interesting.

01:34:54.000 But I don't know anybody who's legit that has wacky things in their ride.

01:34:58.000 Do you remember when they asked you guys, do you want a rider?

01:35:01.000 And you're like, a rider?

01:35:02.000 What?

01:35:03.000 Most people don't even know what we're talking about.

01:35:05.000 If you're a performer and you work a venue, you have the option to basically make requests of things you want in your green room so that you feel happy and comfortable to perform.

01:35:17.000 But at first it was like, make sure there's some water, I guess, backstage.

01:35:20.000 I got water.

01:35:21.000 Maybe a beer or two.

01:35:22.000 I can just go to the front and get it.

01:35:23.000 Buffalo trays, whiskey, Cabernet, meat tray, fruit.

01:35:28.000 Meat tray is key.

01:35:30.000 I got throat coat tea, gummy bears.

01:35:32.000 Gummy bears.

01:35:34.000 I have a meat and cheese plate, a veggie plate, water, both flat and still, coffee, tea, and that's, you know, all I have.

01:35:42.000 That's pretty standard.

01:35:42.000 It's pretty standard.

01:35:43.000 I mean, it's insane when you see, like, usually what musicians can really drive it up.

01:35:50.000 Chappelle has all red lights in his dressing room.

01:35:53.000 That's kind of cool, though, because I'll tell you what, when you're in a poorly lit room...

01:35:56.000 It's a cool vibe unless you're the guy that's gotta go find fucking red lights.

01:35:59.000 Yeah, that's true.

01:36:00.000 But the lighting fucking makes a difference, man.

01:36:03.000 Yeah.

01:36:04.000 Like, shitty, like, over office light, you know, overhead.

01:36:07.000 That fucking sucks.

01:36:08.000 Yeah, it was real bright in the other classroom.

01:36:11.000 That doesn't make you feel like going out there.

01:36:13.000 One time we were in the green room, and it was your green room, and you invited the ring card girls back just to hang and stuff.

01:36:19.000 And I was trying to get my head, get ready for a fucking big show, and these squawking fucking hot chicks.

01:36:25.000 I was like, I just sit in the stairwell to fucking collect my thoughts.

01:36:28.000 Do you remember the story I told you about sitting next to a ring card girl one time on a flight home?

01:36:33.000 No.

01:36:35.000 This is fucking, I don't know how many years ago.

01:36:38.000 I did a gig with you, and then I had a different flight.

01:36:42.000 And one of the ring card girls was sitting across the aisle from me.

01:36:49.000 And she just went, water?

01:36:53.000 Water?

01:36:54.000 And I was like, people were like turning.

01:36:57.000 Yeah.

01:36:57.000 She was like, water?

01:36:58.000 Oh, that's right.

01:36:59.000 I remember this.

01:37:00.000 And then the flight attendant came up and they're like, are you saying something?

01:37:04.000 And she was like, water?

01:37:06.000 And they're like, would you like some water?

01:37:08.000 And she was like, yeah.

01:37:11.000 And then they're like, she didn't press a button or say excuse me.

01:37:15.000 She just said water.

01:37:17.000 Loudly.

01:37:18.000 Until somebody was like, oh, I guess you want water.

01:37:21.000 Wow.

01:37:22.000 She must have been really hungover.

01:37:23.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:37:24.000 Imagine.

01:37:25.000 You're so hungover you can't say, can I please have some water?

01:37:28.000 Water.

01:37:29.000 I've done that from my bed before.

01:37:37.000 How many times has she heard water before?

01:37:40.000 A lot.

01:37:41.000 I would never be my wife.

01:37:42.000 You can't be in the green room with a bunch of people that don't understand what you're going through.

01:37:47.000 You know, one time we did a show, we did this fucking end of the world show at the...

01:37:53.000 No, no, no.

01:37:54.000 That was the End of the World.

01:37:55.000 That was the 2016 one for the election.

01:37:59.000 We did one for 2012 with Stan Hope and Diaz and Honey Honey.

01:38:03.000 We did it at the Wiltern, right?

01:38:04.000 And for whatever reason, the agents all decided it was a party in my fucking green room.

01:38:08.000 Agents always do that.

01:38:10.000 Pre-show.

01:38:11.000 I'm talking 20. And they all do it.

01:38:14.000 They all knew that it was in L.A., so they all wanted to come.

01:38:17.000 So they came and they were drinking.

01:38:18.000 They do it in Montreal, too.

01:38:19.000 And I was like, hey, I'm getting ready for a show.

01:38:22.000 Yeah.

01:38:23.000 And they were talking so loud.

01:38:25.000 Like, they didn't give a fuck.

01:38:25.000 They're like, it's the place to hang.

01:38:27.000 I was in the green room with...

01:38:29.000 Right.

01:38:29.000 But it's like, guys...

01:38:29.000 They treated it like it was the green room of a sitcom.

01:38:32.000 Post-show?

01:38:32.000 Yeah.

01:38:33.000 Post-show, I don't care if a serial killer comes in the green room.

01:38:36.000 You can do whatever you want.

01:38:37.000 Yeah.

01:38:37.000 Pre-show, I like a real chill, fucking low-key vibe.

01:38:41.000 Yeah, me too, man.

01:38:41.000 Me too.

01:38:41.000 And there's nothing crazier than like...

01:38:43.000 How about you in Verde?

01:38:44.000 Strange...

01:38:47.000 Strangers popping in.

01:38:48.000 The overzealous agent person.

01:38:51.000 Or somebody...

01:38:53.000 Poachers?

01:38:53.000 You ever get a poacher in there?

01:38:55.000 Dude, the fucking...

01:38:56.000 An agent poacher?

01:38:58.000 We're like, hey man, how you doing with your agent?

01:38:59.000 You like him?

01:39:01.000 I'm so on first with the opener.

01:39:03.000 Have you had an opener that you don't know bring people?

01:39:07.000 And you're like, who are these people?

01:39:09.000 And you're like, are you insane?

01:39:11.000 One time I had a guy bring his family.

01:39:13.000 No.

01:39:14.000 His family...

01:39:16.000 Who's the guy?

01:39:17.000 This sounds crazy to say.

01:39:18.000 Who's the guy?

01:39:18.000 Was the guy opening for you?

01:39:19.000 Yes.

01:39:20.000 It was a random.

01:39:22.000 No.

01:39:23.000 And it sounds crazy if you're listening or whatever and you're like, what are you talking about?

01:39:26.000 Well, when you get to the venue and you're going to do a show, for most people, they want it like...

01:39:33.000 A pretty relaxed vibe pre-show.

01:39:35.000 You're going to perform.

01:39:38.000 You definitely don't want like a stranger.

01:39:41.000 I mean, if there's a stranger, at most you're going to be like, hello, and then nice to meet you, and then they're going to leave because they understand you're about to do a thing, right?

01:39:50.000 You want to relax.

01:39:52.000 You don't necessarily have to meditate.

01:39:54.000 You're just like, I just want a relaxed atmosphere, right?

01:39:57.000 Like most performers.

01:39:58.000 You've got to get your head straight.

01:39:59.000 You're ready to go perform.

01:40:00.000 This guy had kids.

01:40:01.000 No.

01:40:02.000 He had kids in the fucking green room.

01:40:04.000 How many people?

01:40:05.000 It was him, his wife, two small children, and then the promoter- So he was a new comic.

01:40:12.000 He was newer, yeah.

01:40:14.000 And the promoter came by and was like, hey, how's it going?

01:40:16.000 I was like, it's cool to know we're doing a fucking daycare here today.

01:40:19.000 And he was like, you don't know this?

01:40:20.000 And I go, well, I mean, I don't- Really know him, but I'm meeting his children right now in the fucking green room of this.

01:40:29.000 I mean, it was bizarre, man.

01:40:30.000 He didn't even ask if it was okay to bring my family in?

01:40:33.000 Not at all.

01:40:33.000 I'll feel bad if I know somebody and they're in there and I'm headlining and an opener's in there.

01:40:38.000 I'm like, it's your green room, too, because you're also performing.

01:40:41.000 But, like, I don't want my friends in there imposing on the opener.

01:40:44.000 Dude.

01:40:45.000 You know?

01:40:46.000 That's not fair to them.

01:40:46.000 If I was opening for you...

01:40:48.000 I would never fucking have the balls to bring.

01:40:51.000 Be like, oh, he's my friend.

01:40:52.000 Fucking Steve wants to say.

01:40:54.000 No way, dude.

01:40:56.000 Or a local comic who's not on the show comes by to hang out and just shoot the shit.

01:40:59.000 Do all that post-show, dude.

01:41:01.000 I wrote off a dude that I was friends with for a while when I shot this special in Cleveland who wanted to just come hang out backstage.

01:41:09.000 I don't have really a guest list.

01:41:12.000 It's kind of a closed set.

01:41:13.000 In between shows, I'm getting notes from That's a huge night.

01:41:17.000 It's a huge fucking night.

01:41:18.000 And I just was like, and he sent me a nasty fucking email about me being a liar about not having a guest list.

01:41:23.000 And I was like, alright bro, I guess I'll never speak to you again.

01:41:26.000 This was when you were filming?

01:41:27.000 Yeah.

01:41:28.000 Wait, he was on the show with you?

01:41:30.000 No, no.

01:41:30.000 He wasn't on the show.

01:41:31.000 He just was in town.

01:41:32.000 He wanted to come hang out.

01:41:33.000 He sent you a nasty email saying you're a liar?

01:41:36.000 Because what?

01:41:37.000 Because you said you didn't have a guest list because you wanted to come backstage and hang out?

01:41:41.000 Yeah, he wanted to come to the shows.

01:41:42.000 And I was like, hey man, I'm in a different spot.

01:41:45.000 I've got the people that have been touring with me.

01:41:47.000 Did he not understand that you were doing a special?

01:41:49.000 That's not why you're a liar.

01:41:50.000 Is he a comic?

01:41:52.000 He's a comic.

01:41:55.000 It really fucked me up.

01:41:58.000 And then all of a sudden you're fighting with someone on the day you're special.

01:42:00.000 I was like, you know what?

01:42:01.000 Fuck this, man.

01:42:03.000 That's on them.

01:42:04.000 It's like, fuck you for putting me in a position of am I special to have to fight with you?

01:42:08.000 You're an asshole.

01:42:10.000 You should go overboard to try to...

01:42:13.000 You're trying to mentally distract me.

01:42:15.000 That's what you're doing.

01:42:16.000 Dude, it's fuck.

01:42:18.000 Don't get me into it because it'll spin me out.

01:42:21.000 But like, man, I'm your friend.

01:42:24.000 I'll never put you in a situation where I go, like, yo, Joe, can you get my buddy on?

01:42:29.000 I never do that.

01:42:30.000 When people come and go, hey, can you get me on Joe's?

01:42:32.000 I just write them off.

01:42:33.000 That's the way my brain works.

01:42:33.000 I go, if I'm your friend, I'm only your friend.

01:42:36.000 I'm never going to ask shit of you.

01:42:37.000 The worst is when you're doing a weekend at a club and some guy asks to do a guest set.

01:42:43.000 And you're like, dude, I don't even know you.

01:42:45.000 I don't even know you.

01:42:46.000 They're like, so just give me a shot.

01:42:47.000 Hey man, you mind if I do a guest set?

01:42:49.000 What?

01:42:50.000 Bro.

01:42:51.000 Have you ever done that?

01:42:52.000 Did you ever do that when you were coming up?

01:42:53.000 Never.

01:42:54.000 Did you ever go to a national headliner?

01:42:56.000 Not one time in my entire fucking life.

01:42:59.000 Here's how opposite of that, because I feel so...

01:43:03.000 I mean, I do not want to feel impolite.

01:43:06.000 Yeah, I don't want to pose ever.

01:43:07.000 I actually went to a show one time and was asked if I wanted to do a guest spot, and I was like, that's inappropriate for me to say.

01:43:15.000 I just felt rude being there.

01:43:17.000 Right, right, right.

01:43:18.000 You know what I mean?

01:43:19.000 It's people that are entitled versus people that aren't entitled.

01:43:21.000 I know this from knowing Tom as long as I've known him, and Ari as well.

01:43:26.000 None of us are the kind of guys that were like, next step.

01:43:30.000 What's the next step in this business to get forward?

01:43:32.000 Who do I step on to get to the next level?

01:43:34.000 I was always like, I want to find my group and I want to be safe.

01:43:39.000 I want to do what I do and have them be like, hey man, that was not good or this was good as friends so that I knew that what I was doing as an art form was safe.

01:43:48.000 I never was like, dude, get me on your fucking thing.

01:43:51.000 Get me on your thing.

01:43:52.000 It's...

01:43:53.000 There's so many of those guys out here.

01:43:54.000 There are so many of those guys.

01:43:55.000 And there's also people that get upset that you don't use them to open when you use other people that they think are their equal to open.

01:44:02.000 Do you ever get that?

01:44:03.000 But it's just like, what do you mean I'm friends with them?

01:44:05.000 Or like, I don't know, I chose somebody.

01:44:07.000 Also, by the way, not getting your shit together to open a big...

01:44:12.000 If I had the balls to ask you to open one of your shows, I would come to it at least...

01:44:20.000 Feeling like my 20 is so goddamn tight.

01:44:24.000 Oh, yeah.

01:44:25.000 So that when you do it, you're like, this is a good decision.

01:44:28.000 Right.

01:44:28.000 I would be way more nervous as a younger comic opening up for you than you would be.

01:44:34.000 I would be dialed in.

01:44:36.000 Oh, of course.

01:44:37.000 I remember asking Dom.

01:44:37.000 Not asking Dom.

01:44:39.000 I was open for Pauly in Baltimore.

01:44:41.000 I was home for Thanksgiving or something.

01:44:43.000 And the week after that in D.C., Dom was there.

01:44:45.000 And I saw the lineup.

01:44:46.000 I was like...

01:44:47.000 Nah, I'm never going to ask him.

01:44:48.000 I can't.

01:44:48.000 And then Eleanor told him later, like afterwards, Ari was there.

01:44:52.000 He was going to ask you, but he was felt embarrassed.

01:44:53.000 He goes, I should have asked.

01:44:54.000 I totally would have let him.

01:44:56.000 I was going to put him in position in case he was like, uh.

01:45:00.000 You're imposing.

01:45:01.000 You're polite to think that, though.

01:45:03.000 I've got to give a shout-out to Mike Birbiglia.

01:45:05.000 One time I was in town shooting something in Tampa for TripFlip or Travel Channel.

01:45:10.000 Mike Birbiglia was at the Tampa Improv and we were having sushi next door.

01:45:13.000 And I was like, I'm going to sneak my head in and just say hi or whatever.

01:45:16.000 You know?

01:45:17.000 Because I was a big fan.

01:45:18.000 I think Birbiglia to this day is one of the best storytellers around.

01:45:22.000 Storytellers, yeah.

01:45:22.000 Without a fucking doubt.

01:45:23.000 Very, very good.

01:45:24.000 I honestly don't know if I would have the balls to be doing what I'm doing right now if Birbiglia hadn't been the first guy to tell a long story.

01:45:30.000 Yeah, he really was the first one I remember on a stand-up stage doing that.

01:45:36.000 And he used to write a blog and his blog became really popular.

01:45:40.000 Did he?

01:45:41.000 He was on NPR. What was it?

01:45:44.000 He would read it on Bob and Tom.

01:45:46.000 It was fucking huge.

01:45:49.000 I rolled into the Tampa Improv.

01:45:52.000 I'm drunk.

01:45:52.000 I'm fucking full of sushi.

01:45:54.000 And I stick my head in the green room and I go, Hey man, Bert Kreischer...

01:46:00.000 I like how you're trying to be complimentary.

01:46:01.000 And I remember the look on his face was so deer in headlights.

01:46:05.000 And I was like, just big fan.

01:46:07.000 I'm in town.

01:46:07.000 I'm shooting my TV show.

01:46:08.000 I just wanted to come in and say hi.

01:46:09.000 And he was like, all right.

01:46:11.000 And then I was like silent for a minute.

01:46:13.000 He goes, are you asking for a guest set?

01:46:14.000 And I went, oh, no, no, no, no, no.

01:46:16.000 And he was like, oh, thank God.

01:46:20.000 The real problem is I've given guys a guest set and then they go on and they cover a topic that you cover.

01:46:26.000 That is true.

01:46:27.000 That's a problem.

01:46:27.000 I didn't think of that.

01:46:28.000 You don't know what they're doing.

01:46:29.000 You have no idea what their set is about.

01:46:30.000 You know what the real fuck thing is, though?

01:46:32.000 If somebody opens for you, and then you're like, you have something like that, and then they keep opening for you, and then you're like, you see that I'm doing this, right?

01:46:42.000 Like, you know that I'm doing this.

01:46:45.000 Yeah.

01:46:46.000 Oh, I've had guys do a version.

01:46:49.000 Right.

01:46:49.000 You know how guys do it on purpose?

01:46:50.000 Yeah.

01:46:50.000 Like, they try to step on your material?

01:46:52.000 Yeah.

01:46:53.000 And they're opening for you?

01:46:54.000 I'm always afraid, too, they're going to be like, if they do something and then you do it, like, hey, I didn't take this from you, just so you know.

01:46:59.000 You have to tell them.

01:47:00.000 I already had my thing planned.

01:47:02.000 Yeah.

01:47:03.000 Yeah.

01:47:03.000 Well, it's just some guys will try to kill so that you bomb.

01:47:07.000 You know, like, the local guys.

01:47:09.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:47:09.000 That's always an issue if you go to a place and these fucking guys have never seen you before and they're like, Tom Segura.

01:47:15.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:47:15.000 Let me watch this motherfucker.

01:47:17.000 Yeah.

01:47:17.000 You know, and they'll, you know, they'll just...

01:47:19.000 What do you got four fucking special Netflix?

01:47:21.000 Fuck this guy.

01:47:22.000 Fuck this guy.

01:47:23.000 Dude, these fans are my fans.

01:47:24.000 They just gotta see me and then they'll be following me.

01:47:27.000 They'll do a lot of local shit.

01:47:29.000 That's one thing.

01:47:29.000 They do a lot of local shit.

01:47:30.000 If they drive up that local shit, you know they're whack as fuck immediately.

01:47:33.000 If they lean into it hard, it's one thing to make one or two comments, but if they do six minutes on local...

01:47:42.000 Half my act was local when I lived in Boston.

01:47:44.000 Half my act.

01:47:45.000 But you're starting out.

01:47:46.000 Yeah, but it was so sad when I would go on the road.

01:47:48.000 All my best bits...

01:47:50.000 You guys remember 3rd Street?

01:47:51.000 People are like, No.

01:47:53.000 You mean where the car dealerships are?

01:47:55.000 No.

01:47:56.000 Gay community.

01:47:57.000 If I could find a time machine, I would go back to Boston in the late 80s, and I'd have Joe Rogan open for me, and I would just take him with me and be like, so, hey, tell me what you think about aliens.

01:48:10.000 And then just simply like, you know, I haven't really thought about it a lot yet, but I've been reading these books.

01:48:14.000 I'm just starting to develop some thoughts on it.

01:48:15.000 It is so funny to be able to know somebody for a long time and then look up shit like 20 years ago.

01:48:23.000 You know what I mean?

01:48:23.000 I can watch clips of you, myself, and I'm like, ugh.

01:48:28.000 It's weird.

01:48:29.000 It's so weird.

01:48:29.000 The weirdest part about being friends with you is I was a fan of yours before I was friends with you.

01:48:34.000 When you and Brian were doing that Joe show, I was like fucking so into that.

01:48:39.000 I was into this podcast before I ever got on the podcast.

01:48:42.000 I remember telling you one time about you with Janet Jameson.

01:48:47.000 You're like, I've never been with Janet Jameson.

01:48:48.000 I was like, I'm fucking pretty certain I saw it.

01:48:50.000 You're like, I've never met her.

01:48:51.000 I was like, I'm pretty sure there's a video out there of you guys at a party.

01:48:55.000 And you were like, I'm pretty sure.

01:48:56.000 And I was like, I watched it.

01:48:58.000 I think your memory sucks.

01:49:01.000 I definitely didn't say I never met Janet Jameson.

01:49:05.000 By the way, hang on.

01:49:07.000 If there is an astute person, you will hear it on the podcast.

01:49:10.000 Are you saying that I didn't know her?

01:49:12.000 No, no, no, no, no.

01:49:12.000 This is way before she started dating Tito Ortiz.

01:49:15.000 This is like a long time ago.

01:49:17.000 I remember you and Jenna Jameson at a...

01:49:18.000 By the way...

01:49:19.000 Party in Phoenix.

01:49:20.000 I remember a party...

01:49:21.000 Yeah, with her husband.

01:49:23.000 Oh, yeah.

01:49:24.000 Yeah, it was a video of her husband.

01:49:25.000 She's explaining how to eat pussy.

01:49:27.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:49:28.000 Oh, yeah.

01:49:29.000 Okay, I'm not crazy then.

01:49:30.000 You're just ruining the story.

01:49:32.000 Probably.

01:49:33.000 I wish Burberry was here to save me.

01:49:36.000 He's giving a version of the story that doesn't make sense.

01:49:39.000 But yeah, it is crazy to know of people's past lives.

01:49:43.000 I'll tell you what I would love a fucking documentary about is the store.

01:49:48.000 There's one coming out.

01:49:50.000 They're doing the Showtime thing.

01:49:51.000 Mike Binder's doing it, and he's doing it real slow, which makes you give real hope that it's going to be good.

01:49:57.000 He's taking like two years to do it.

01:49:59.000 By the way, I'm in that documentary.

01:50:00.000 I wish I hadn't said that out loud.

01:50:01.000 Yeah.

01:50:01.000 What?

01:50:02.000 You're not even drunk.

01:50:03.000 What's going on with you?

01:50:04.000 I know.

01:50:04.000 Did you have a stroke?

01:50:05.000 I wish it was a documentary knowing full well about it.

01:50:08.000 I'm in the vodka documentary.

01:50:09.000 Did you have a stroke five minutes ago?

01:50:10.000 I might have.

01:50:11.000 Let's make another cocktail.

01:50:12.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:50:13.000 There's plenty of booze.

01:50:13.000 There you go.

01:50:14.000 Try some of that Dan Aykroyd skull.

01:50:16.000 Oh, yeah.

01:50:17.000 Alien skull fucking vodka.

01:50:18.000 Oh, that his is the skull one?

01:50:19.000 Yeah.

01:50:19.000 I'll try it.

01:50:20.000 Is there more ice there, by any chance?

01:50:21.000 Yeah.

01:50:22.000 But I'm curious always to know about the store when I wasn't there.

01:50:26.000 Dude, it was the best in the early aughts.

01:50:29.000 But people say it was the worst.

01:50:31.000 Okay, for stand-up shows, sure, it was the worst.

01:50:34.000 No, no, no, no, no, no.

01:50:35.000 For its entire purpose?

01:50:37.000 Energy-wise, it sounds like it was horrible.

01:50:40.000 No, Dom says it the best.

01:50:41.000 He goes, there was this young group of...

01:50:43.000 Okay, I knew it as the employee section, so I don't know about the people who were like 10, 12-year comics.

01:50:47.000 But as the employees, it was like we ran the place.

01:50:50.000 It was so much fun.

01:50:52.000 I just saw it as a foreign place.

01:50:54.000 We would go sneak in the back to see the mainstream comics who were fucking in the back.

01:50:58.000 The Ackroyd.

01:50:58.000 Try something.

01:50:59.000 Oh, you want to try it?

01:51:00.000 Have you tried it?

01:51:01.000 I'm going to try it.

01:51:02.000 Are you scared of Dan Ackroyd's alcohol?

01:51:03.000 I'm scared of any alcohol that I didn't pour in my...

01:51:06.000 Bring with me personally, Joe.

01:51:08.000 Oh, I just drank some of that, man.

01:51:09.000 There's nothing in there.

01:51:10.000 It's just Dan Ackroyd's...

01:51:11.000 We opened that.

01:51:12.000 That's because of me.

01:51:13.000 I would be curious to know...

01:51:14.000 Dan Ackroyd.

01:51:15.000 Big fan.

01:51:15.000 Big test right here.

01:51:17.000 I want to know why certain personalities didn't get closer.

01:51:24.000 In knowing them as adults, they should be closer.

01:51:28.000 Does that make sense?

01:51:28.000 Closer to what?

01:51:31.000 Closer friends, you mean?

01:51:32.000 I would love to know the camps.

01:51:34.000 Who were in the different camps.

01:51:36.000 There was no camaraderie back then.

01:51:38.000 There was some camaraderie with door guys and stuff like that.

01:51:39.000 Door guys had camaraderie.

01:51:41.000 The problem was there was this leftover shit from guys who were all struggling to get sitcoms.

01:51:49.000 They were all struggling to be the host of a talk show.

01:51:52.000 Destonic.

01:51:54.000 Yeah, it was good, Joe.

01:51:55.000 You're right.

01:51:56.000 It was good when there was a level of acceptance that the place was a failure and that we were just in it for jokes.

01:52:01.000 Yes.

01:52:02.000 And then we're like, we're not going to get anything because Bobby Lee was like the most successful guy because he was on Mad TV. The thing that was going on that was weird was that the guys that were at the higher level, there was a few that were left over.

01:52:12.000 They had seen Kinnison take off and they had seen David Letterman take off and they were still there.

01:52:18.000 Frankie Pace.

01:52:18.000 Yeah, there was a few of those guys that were left behind, and they were very bitter, and they did not like young guys.

01:52:25.000 There was a different thing.

01:52:27.000 Like today, when young guys are coming up, or young girls, anybody who's funny at the store gets love.

01:52:32.000 You know, whether it's a doorman, or somebody who works the booth, there's no, like, there's no, anyone, no one's trying to hold anybody down.

01:52:39.000 There's no competition.

01:52:39.000 It's not like you're making it so I'm not.

01:52:41.000 The internet changed it all because we all have a platform to help now.

01:52:45.000 Whereas before, it was like the only way you got successful was through television.

01:52:50.000 Television was the goal.

01:52:52.000 And if Tommy got a TV show, you were like, fuck, that could have been my show.

01:52:57.000 And so there was this backstabby, weird fucking competition back then.

01:53:02.000 Yeah, now it's different.

01:53:03.000 Oh, fuck.

01:53:04.000 Now everybody helps everybody.

01:53:06.000 It's a different animal.

01:53:06.000 If you get like Santino, suddenly from like no podcast to a successful podcast, now everybody's like, oh, that's another platform I can go on.

01:53:13.000 Exactly.

01:53:14.000 It's just like good for everybody.

01:53:15.000 It's also like when someone gets a Netflix special or something, everybody gets happy.

01:53:18.000 And everybody gets pumped.

01:53:20.000 And they also see like, hey, if you bust your ass and you're good and you work hard, you can get one too.

01:53:26.000 You can get one too.

01:53:26.000 Yeah.

01:53:27.000 It's not like it used to be, man.

01:53:28.000 It was weird, man.

01:53:29.000 When I first...

01:53:31.000 I got a sitcom and I came out here in 94. I came out with a sitcom.

01:53:35.000 I already had a sitcom.

01:53:36.000 So when I came out here, I came out here to do a sitcom and what was more important to me than anything was being a paid regular at the store.

01:53:42.000 That's what I give a fuck about.

01:53:43.000 The sitcom was just, I felt like it's going to get cancelled eventually.

01:53:46.000 I'm just going to make some money while I can and this is way more money than I ever thought I could ever make.

01:53:51.000 Yeah.

01:53:51.000 But I'm going to do comedy.

01:53:52.000 And so then I would be hanging around at the store, but there was no friends.

01:53:57.000 It was weird.

01:53:58.000 Who was there when you first went to the store?

01:54:00.000 Who was there?

01:54:01.000 Mencia was there.

01:54:02.000 He was there.

01:54:03.000 He was just starting.

01:54:04.000 Stanhope and Ralphie?

01:54:05.000 What's that?

01:54:05.000 Stanhope and Ralphie?

01:54:06.000 No, no.

01:54:07.000 Stanhope was never there.

01:54:08.000 Ralphie wasn't really there.

01:54:09.000 Schubert was there.

01:54:10.000 Schubert was there before me.

01:54:12.000 Schubert was there.

01:54:13.000 He's like Mitzi's driver back in the fucking day.

01:54:15.000 Did you know that he's passed at the Magic Castle?

01:54:19.000 Did you know that?

01:54:19.000 He's a magician?

01:54:20.000 Yeah.

01:54:21.000 Jimmy Schubert?

01:54:22.000 He's a really good magician?

01:54:23.000 Yeah.

01:54:23.000 Wow.

01:54:25.000 No kidding.

01:54:25.000 Yeah.

01:54:26.000 Wow.

01:54:27.000 I didn't know that.

01:54:28.000 I asked Schubert once.

01:54:30.000 I was a door guy and his parents were there.

01:54:33.000 Philadelphia or something like that.

01:54:34.000 Yeah.

01:54:34.000 And I was like, hey, do you get nervous when your parents...

01:54:36.000 Because my parents see me like once ever.

01:54:38.000 And I was like, do you get nervous when your parents see you?

01:54:39.000 He goes, no, no.

01:54:40.000 They see me a bunch of times.

01:54:41.000 I don't care.

01:54:44.000 But he goes, no.

01:54:45.000 When Mitzi's here, you know, that's tough.

01:54:46.000 And I've been inside of her.

01:54:48.000 I was like, what?!

01:54:51.000 Yeah, he used to bang Mitzi when he was a young fella.

01:54:53.000 He was, huh?

01:54:54.000 Are you serious?

01:54:54.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:54:55.000 That's how he got spots.

01:54:56.000 Yep.

01:54:58.000 She was straight up like, if you want to get up, you got to get it up.

01:55:02.000 Yeah, that was back in the day.

01:55:03.000 It was okay to do that.

01:55:04.000 No one had a problem with it.

01:55:06.000 It's not like a Harvey Weinstein type deal.

01:55:07.000 Yeah.

01:55:08.000 Also the kind of collector.

01:55:09.000 He gives a shit.

01:55:09.000 Yeah.

01:55:10.000 Yeah.

01:55:10.000 And we gave a fuck.

01:55:12.000 But back then, it was like a few big guys would stop in.

01:55:16.000 Like Martin Lawrence would stop in.

01:55:19.000 There was a few guys.

01:55:20.000 Was he cool?

01:55:21.000 Paul Rodriguez?

01:55:21.000 I never got to talk to him.

01:55:23.000 He's friendly with me now, but back then I would go on after him.

01:55:26.000 Just eat shit.

01:55:27.000 Do you remember him as the host of Def Jam?

01:55:32.000 Dude, he was fucking amazing.

01:55:34.000 Bro, listen, man.

01:55:34.000 When I got past the store...

01:55:36.000 Stepping into the pussy.

01:55:37.000 Remember that joke?

01:55:37.000 Should I light another cigar or are we getting done close to none?

01:55:40.000 No, I'm going to re-light this one, but you can light another one.

01:55:42.000 Is that okay?

01:55:42.000 I just remember...

01:55:43.000 This to me, I think, is such a compliment to him, but I mean it sincerely, because I was obsessed.

01:55:50.000 I would go in our basement to watch Def Jam, because I couldn't watch that in the living room.

01:55:55.000 You have to watch that in the basement.

01:55:57.000 And he was so funny and just engaging.

01:56:03.000 They're so charismatic that I would look forward...

01:56:07.000 To the interstitials.

01:56:10.000 Like, to him coming back just to introduce the next person.

01:56:15.000 Because that's how funny he was.

01:56:16.000 He was on top of the world.

01:56:17.000 Yeah, he really was.

01:56:19.000 Back then, I was a young comic who was not very good, and I used to have to go on after him.

01:56:24.000 What time were your spots?

01:56:25.000 Every...

01:56:26.000 Whenever someone was good, I would be on after them.

01:56:28.000 Anybody who crushed, whether it was Dice or anybody who was good, Martin Lawrence, I would go on after Martin Lawrence.

01:56:35.000 He'd go on stage with a leather jumpsuit on.

01:56:38.000 Any of this, I've never asked you.

01:56:41.000 How did you get past?

01:56:42.000 What was your showcase like?

01:56:43.000 This is why I got passed.

01:56:45.000 There was a guy named the Todd.

01:56:46.000 Do you remember the Todd?

01:56:47.000 The Todd went crazy.

01:56:48.000 The Todd went crazy.

01:56:49.000 But before he went crazy, he helped me out.

01:56:50.000 He told me to do this for other people.

01:56:52.000 When I was first starting out, Mitzi thought I was okay, but I could work as a non-paid regular.

01:56:59.000 And I was, you know, I think I was 26. And so I was doing sets at the store after the show.

01:57:07.000 So the show would go on to, like, whatever, 1 o'clock in the morning, and I was there every fucking night.

01:57:11.000 And I did that for six months.

01:57:12.000 And then, I mean, I had no friends.

01:57:14.000 What?

01:57:14.000 I didn't know anybody here.

01:57:15.000 Yeah.

01:57:15.000 I didn't know anybody here.

01:57:16.000 So I just moved here to do a television.

01:57:17.000 You were just hanging out in the hallway, guy?

01:57:19.000 I would just go up.

01:57:20.000 I would go up after the show was over.

01:57:21.000 I knew that I could get a spot at 1 o'clock in the morning if I waited.

01:57:24.000 What time was the last spot back then?

01:57:25.000 I don't remember.

01:57:26.000 I remember I would go on always around 1 a.m.

01:57:29.000 Okay.

01:57:30.000 And there was very few people in the crowd, but...

01:57:33.000 She gave me a showcase.

01:57:34.000 I did the showcase.

01:57:35.000 She goes, you can be a non-paid regular.

01:57:37.000 So I was like, good.

01:57:37.000 So I can do sets after the show.

01:57:40.000 So I'd go and I'd sit around and I'd wait and I'd watch.

01:57:43.000 I didn't have a life back then, okay?

01:57:44.000 I had the sitcom that I was doing during the day.

01:57:47.000 And then at nighttime, I had no friends.

01:57:48.000 I had just moved here, so I'd just hang around the store.

01:57:50.000 And I was really disappointed because the store was mecca to me, man.

01:57:54.000 Back when I lived in Boston, I was like, I heard about the comedy store.

01:57:57.000 That's where Kenison was.

01:57:58.000 And we were all like, one day we're going to go to the comedy store in L.A. And I went there and there was these bodaks, man.

01:58:04.000 These fucking casino acts.

01:58:06.000 They were terrible.

01:58:07.000 There were so many bad comics that had missed the wave, right?

01:58:11.000 There was a wave in the 1980s where basically anybody could be a comic.

01:58:15.000 You just had to talk like a comedian.

01:58:17.000 And I'm looking at my cat and I'm like, what is this, Wild Kingdom in my living room?

01:58:22.000 And there was these fucking shucking, jiving, non-perspective-having guys, and a few of them lingered.

01:58:30.000 And so those are the ones that were at the store.

01:58:32.000 So the wave of Kinison...

01:58:33.000 See, I'm here in 94, right?

01:58:35.000 Kinison was huge in 88. You've got to realize, that's only six years.

01:58:38.000 So Kinison's huge in 88, and then he dies in 92, right?

01:58:43.000 Somewhere around then?

01:58:44.000 I'm living in New York when he died, and then I'm in LA two years later, and the fucking place is a ghost town.

01:58:50.000 I'm telling you, it was like...

01:58:51.000 Do you think it died because he died?

01:58:52.000 It was a big part of it.

01:58:53.000 He made it go away.

01:58:55.000 Well, I kept hearing about all these celebrities that would come to the comedy store to see Kinison.

01:58:59.000 And I was like, wow, they all came to see Kinison?

01:59:01.000 That's crazy.

01:59:01.000 They came to see him.

01:59:02.000 Like all these fucking rock stars and Keith Richards and fucking...

01:59:06.000 Movie stars and Belushi and all these guys would come to the comedy store.

01:59:09.000 That shit was gone by the time I got there.

01:59:12.000 So by the time I got there, you know, the comedy store's gone through these in the past.

01:59:15.000 These like peaks and valleys.

01:59:16.000 And I got there in a valley.

01:59:18.000 But I stayed, I was there for like six months and this guy, the Todd, was there, right?

01:59:23.000 And the Todd, that's the Todd right there.

01:59:25.000 That guy.

01:59:25.000 I owe that guy a lot.

01:59:26.000 It's hard to find.

01:59:27.000 He's gone now.

01:59:29.000 Anyway, the Todd had like a severe mental episode where he literally, something went wrong.

01:59:37.000 Like some sort of a disease, something went wrong mentally and he lost his mind.

01:59:42.000 But before he lost his mind, he sat down next to Mitzi.

01:59:46.000 So when Mitzi tried me for my second showcase, I went up and I did my set.

01:59:49.000 I had a good set.

01:59:51.000 But the Todd was laughing hard.

01:59:54.000 He sat down next to Mitzi and he's like, ah!

01:59:59.000 And Mitzi's like, he's funny.

02:00:01.000 And Todd was like, that guy's fucking funny.

02:00:03.000 He's fucking funny.

02:00:04.000 And I was cool with him.

02:00:05.000 He was a very friendly guy.

02:00:06.000 And he saw you doing late night spots before?

02:00:08.000 Yep.

02:00:08.000 He saw me banging it out.

02:00:09.000 And then he came to me offstage.

02:00:11.000 He goes, I sat down next to Mitzi and I laughed really hard.

02:00:13.000 Because I came offstage and Mitzi goes, you're past.

02:00:16.000 You're going to be a paid regular.

02:00:18.000 Call in the morning.

02:00:18.000 I'll give you some sets.

02:00:20.000 And I was like, holy shit.

02:00:21.000 I'm a fucking paid regular at the store.

02:00:23.000 Granted, I'm on a television show at the time, right?

02:00:26.000 That's a lot of importance.

02:00:27.000 I didn't give a fuck about that TV show.

02:00:29.000 Yeah, the TV show was terrible.

02:00:31.000 It was a baseball show called Hardball.

02:00:33.000 It was terrible.

02:00:34.000 And it could have been good, too.

02:00:35.000 I watched...

02:00:36.000 The guys who wrote The Simpsons wrote it.

02:00:38.000 They wrote Unmarried with Children.

02:00:40.000 Really good writers.

02:00:41.000 And Jeff Martin and Kevin Curran.

02:00:43.000 They're really funny, really talented, really smart guys.

02:00:46.000 And Fox just fucking brutalized their show.

02:00:49.000 Brutalized it.

02:00:50.000 And they brought in all the hacks and they chopped it up.

02:00:52.000 So I was in hell doing this terrible sitcom.

02:00:55.000 You know, I'm making good money, though.

02:00:57.000 Where are we living?

02:00:59.000 Oakwood's Apartments.

02:01:01.000 Of course you were.

02:01:03.000 That's like the pilot place to live, right?

02:01:06.000 I think by then I might have gotten an apartment in North Hollywood.

02:01:10.000 I got an apartment in North Hollywood a few months in because I figured it was going to stick around for a while.

02:01:15.000 And then she gave me the thing and Todd pulled me aside and he goes, hey.

02:01:19.000 He goes, I sat down next to Mitzi and I laughed really hard.

02:01:22.000 And he goes, that's how you get someone passed.

02:01:24.000 And he goes, one day you're going to do that for people too.

02:01:26.000 I'm like, okay.

02:01:27.000 You did it for Chris McGuire.

02:01:29.000 Dude, I fucking hosted it for Chris McGuire.

02:01:31.000 Because this terrible comedian was supposed to do the hosting gig.

02:01:35.000 He was supposed to host Open Mic Night.

02:01:37.000 And I found out McGuire was going to do his showcase.

02:01:40.000 Missy thought it was funny to put this terrible comedian up and have him host.

02:01:43.000 I mean, he was impossibly bad.

02:01:44.000 I like how you're intentionally not saying his name.

02:01:46.000 Yes, I'm not saying his name.

02:01:47.000 So, I thank you very much.

02:01:49.000 Do I know him?

02:01:49.000 No, you definitely don't.

02:01:51.000 So I called up, and this is when I was on news radio.

02:01:55.000 I called up and I said, hey, I go, fuck this.

02:01:59.000 I go, I'm going to host open mic night.

02:02:00.000 So I came down and hosted open mic night just for McGuire.

02:02:04.000 But I did that for a bunch of people.

02:02:05.000 I sat down next to Mitzi while people were showcasing, funny people, and I just laughed.

02:02:10.000 Just laugh hard, clap.

02:02:11.000 And it would influence her.

02:02:12.000 It influences everybody.

02:02:15.000 Having a good room makes everybody...

02:02:17.000 I've seen a billion shows.

02:02:19.000 Still, if somebody's doing well, I can't see through, or not doing well, I'm like, that guy's bad.

02:02:23.000 I'm pretty sure I did that for Diaz.

02:02:25.000 Oh, yeah?

02:02:26.000 I did it for so many people.

02:02:28.000 Look, man, I was so thankful.

02:02:29.000 And then one day, I didn't see him for a long time.

02:02:33.000 The Todd?

02:02:33.000 Yeah, I didn't see him for a long time.

02:02:34.000 He went by The Todd?

02:02:35.000 Yeah, The Todd.

02:02:36.000 He used to open for Paul.

02:02:38.000 He was one of Paulie's buddies.

02:02:39.000 Any relation, do you think, to the Charlie's Angel name of fucking, what's his name's character in that?

02:02:46.000 Todd Lemish, it says.

02:02:48.000 That's his name.

02:02:48.000 There it is.

02:02:49.000 What is this?

02:02:50.000 That's an old lineup for 1986. An article from BuzzFeed about the...

02:02:55.000 Let me see the lineup.

02:02:56.000 Go back down.

02:02:59.000 Wow, look at that.

02:03:00.000 Tamayo.

02:03:00.000 Jimmy Schubert.

02:03:01.000 I think these people left in the house.

02:03:02.000 Nancy Redman.

02:03:03.000 I remember Nancy Redman.

02:03:04.000 I used to do sets with her in New York.

02:03:05.000 Bobby Luddington.

02:03:06.000 Steve Kravitz.

02:03:07.000 I knew him, too.

02:03:08.000 Mark Maron.

02:03:08.000 Look at that, 87. Was Brett Ratner that's the Brett Ratner?

02:03:12.000 No.

02:03:13.000 Are you sure?

02:03:14.000 Maybe.

02:03:14.000 It might have been.

02:03:15.000 No, Maron was there for a short time.

02:03:16.000 Then he went to New York.

02:03:17.000 No, he went to Boston.

02:03:19.000 And he was obsessed with the comedy story.

02:03:20.000 He wrote Jerusalem Syndrome about being there.

02:03:22.000 And then when he came back, he was all shell-shocked.

02:03:24.000 Well, in 94, is it Robert Downey Jr.?

02:03:27.000 Unless it says it's unconfirmed.

02:03:29.000 Oh.

02:03:29.000 Oh, okay.

02:03:30.000 So in 87, when Maren was there, I met him right after that in 88. Maren?

02:03:35.000 Because he moved to Boston.

02:03:36.000 So he was doing sets in Boston.

02:03:39.000 Maren gave me one of the nicest pieces of advice and compliments that anybody ever gave me when I was an open mic.

02:03:46.000 Invest in Bitcoin.

02:03:46.000 He didn't say that.

02:03:48.000 Wait, what was the other one?

02:03:50.000 He just told me to keep going that I was funny.

02:03:53.000 He said, you can do this, man.

02:03:54.000 You're really original.

02:03:55.000 You got a great voice.

02:03:56.000 You used to hang out when I was an employee.

02:03:59.000 Every once in a while, you would hang out and just watch the employee section.

02:04:02.000 And I didn't realize it.

02:04:03.000 It makes me think now how it's important.

02:04:06.000 Just that it was a paid regular.

02:04:07.000 And a guy on a sitcom that would just sit and watch us.

02:04:10.000 Cool.

02:04:11.000 I like comedy, man.

02:04:13.000 I like supporting comedians.

02:04:15.000 I've always liked supporting comedians.

02:04:16.000 From my martial arts background, camaraderie and the whole team and helping everybody, having a good group, I always knew the value in that.

02:04:26.000 It's very important to have a good community.

02:04:28.000 Now, can you watch comedy online, like on Instagram?

02:04:31.000 Yeah, it's good.

02:04:33.000 Yeah, I watch good clips.

02:04:34.000 I lost it.

02:04:35.000 The Todd thing, let me get back to that.

02:04:36.000 So what happened was one day I got there, and I hadn't seen him for a long time.

02:04:41.000 I forget how long, but it was a long time.

02:04:43.000 And he was hanging out in the front patio, but he was weird.

02:04:46.000 He was just really weird.

02:04:48.000 And I don't remember who told me.

02:04:52.000 And they said, yeah, he lost his mind.

02:04:54.000 And something happened.

02:04:55.000 I think he maybe even had an operation.

02:04:58.000 Something was really wrong, and he was just hanging around, almost like trying to remember.

02:05:01.000 He stopped doing comedy entirely.

02:05:03.000 Trying to remember.

02:05:04.000 Yeah, trying to remember what it was like.

02:05:05.000 Eleanor said he'd do this thing where he used to do this thing to fuck with the bartenders, where he'd take a glass and look at them and then chuck it in the garbage.

02:05:13.000 But he didn't remember that he had had a camaraderie with the bartender, and he would just remember that he had done that, so he would go up and take a glass and put it in the garbage.

02:05:23.000 And some new bartender was like, who is this?

02:05:25.000 What's he doing?

02:05:25.000 Right.

02:05:25.000 Yeah, it was real weird, man.

02:05:29.000 And it was the first time I'd ever seen anybody be fine and then be gone.

02:05:34.000 And I didn't know.

02:05:35.000 I didn't understand what happened.

02:05:36.000 But that guy, man, he did me a giant solid.

02:05:40.000 Giant solid.

02:05:41.000 I'll never forget that.

02:05:42.000 And it influenced me, too, to make sure that I passed that on.

02:05:46.000 Who were the guys who did you guys, like...

02:05:49.000 Favors.

02:05:50.000 Not even like, I'm doing you a favor, but like, things like that, like you said, like, you know, what Todd did, or like, you know, just like helped you, where you're like, oh, that was a big help.

02:05:58.000 Just guys treating you like you belong.

02:05:59.000 Treating like a human, yeah.

02:06:00.000 Don Herrera was a big one, man.

02:06:02.000 Bert.

02:06:03.000 What?

02:06:04.000 No, Bert, Joe.

02:06:06.000 Oh, yeah.

02:06:06.000 Yeah, they took me on the road.

02:06:08.000 Russell Peters.

02:06:09.000 Yeah.

02:06:09.000 Tom, you brought me to Indy.

02:06:12.000 I did.

02:06:12.000 That's right.

02:06:13.000 You said it's a break-even week.

02:06:14.000 I mean, she won't pay for her flight, but it'll make enough money to pay for your flight.

02:06:17.000 And then you got booked there.

02:06:18.000 Yeah.

02:06:19.000 Yeah.

02:06:19.000 That was big.

02:06:20.000 Remember that?

02:06:21.000 Joe, obviously.

02:06:22.000 You know, taking me on the road and shit.

02:06:23.000 Jay Moore was big for us.

02:06:25.000 Jay Moore was big for us.

02:06:26.000 Jay Moore was really big for us.

02:06:28.000 It stinks that it turned out the way it did, but he was really big in, like, You know, as I always say, you learn a lot from people on both sides of the fence.

02:06:40.000 Good and bad.

02:06:40.000 Yeah.

02:06:41.000 Like, I learned a lot about what I didn't want to do, because I'd watch Jay...

02:06:46.000 Jay's so amazingly talented.

02:06:48.000 And I'd watch him get in his way sometimes, and I'd be like, God, man, I don't want to do that.

02:06:54.000 And Tom and I would talk privately about going like, just the weirdest fucking things.

02:07:00.000 Man, he was so talented.

02:07:02.000 He was a fun hang.

02:07:04.000 He was a fun hang.

02:07:04.000 Jay's a fun hang.

02:07:05.000 And he was really funny, man.

02:07:07.000 And he was so...

02:07:08.000 You could give that guy a premise.

02:07:12.000 You could give him a premise, just the silliest thing, and he could improv it on stage.

02:07:18.000 You definitely had a stroke about 20 minutes ago, huh?

02:07:20.000 Yeah, probably.

02:07:26.000 I don't know.

02:07:28.000 But yeah, no, no, no.

02:07:29.000 Jay was a big...

02:07:29.000 I mean, I can't...

02:07:30.000 I mean, I can't...

02:07:31.000 Obviously, Jay and I don't speak anymore.

02:07:33.000 Yeah, he was great in that fucking Jerry Maguire movie, man.

02:07:35.000 Are you guys capable of, like, pushing the bad parts out yet?

02:07:40.000 Yeah.

02:07:40.000 And seeing the good parts?

02:07:41.000 Yeah, that's why I'm talking...

02:07:42.000 It sounds like this is the first time...

02:07:43.000 No, that's why I'm talking about it.

02:07:44.000 Like, I don't mind...

02:07:45.000 Obviously, Jay and I don't speak.

02:07:47.000 But yeah, but we both had negative experiences.

02:07:51.000 That's why we're not friends with them anymore.

02:07:52.000 But there was a lot of good things.

02:07:55.000 That's the reason I met Tom.

02:07:56.000 How did you find you guys?

02:07:57.000 He found Tom through his assistant, Charlie.

02:08:00.000 Yep.

02:08:01.000 When I met you, it was at a show.

02:08:04.000 Yeah, that was the best.

02:08:06.000 I was the MC, he was the middle, Bert was the middle, and Jay was the headliner.

02:08:12.000 Yeah, and immediately, within like fucking five seconds, Tom and I bonded.

02:08:16.000 Like within five fucking seconds.

02:08:19.000 I remember he walked in and the Florida State game was on.

02:08:22.000 Tom's watching the Florida State game.

02:08:24.000 And Tom's like, oh, come on.

02:08:26.000 And Jay's like, what the fuck is this?

02:08:27.000 And I go, oh, you're watching Florida State?

02:08:28.000 Because I went there.

02:08:29.000 Tom's like, yeah.

02:08:30.000 He's like, you got money on it?

02:08:31.000 And Tom's like, yeah, I got a hundred bucks on it.

02:08:32.000 And he's like, you're making fucking 50 bucks tonight as a host.

02:08:35.000 What kind of fucking idiot are you?

02:08:36.000 Walked out and I was like, look at Tom.

02:08:37.000 I go, hey, welcome to the tour, man.

02:08:40.000 I remember being like, I so nerded out that he went to FSU. I was like, you went to FSU? He's like, yeah, I went there for like 15 years or something.

02:08:53.000 They wrote a book about it!

02:08:56.000 What?

02:08:56.000 And then I go, when?

02:08:58.000 And then he tells me, I go, oh, you guys won a national championship when you were there.

02:09:02.000 And I was like, hey, so was like, I just mentioned like a player.

02:09:05.000 I don't know, whatever.

02:09:06.000 I was like, was Derek Brooks there?

02:09:07.000 And he was like, oh, I don't know any of the players.

02:09:10.000 No, no, hold on.

02:09:10.000 I was like, what?

02:09:11.000 You don't fucking, you don't know any of the guys' names?

02:09:13.000 No, I know.

02:09:14.000 I think I told you this, and this made you laugh.

02:09:16.000 I think this is what made you laugh.

02:09:19.000 Derek Brooks was a big player at Florida State, right?

02:09:22.000 Him and Warwick Dunn.

02:09:22.000 When I was in my senior year of college, I went to the gas station and they had a single, a cassette single of Brooks and Dunn.

02:09:30.000 And I went, oh wow, our two biggest players released a single.

02:09:35.000 This has got to be good, right?

02:09:36.000 I'm a big fan of hip-hop, so I bought the single of Brooks and Dunn.

02:09:39.000 I realized it's a country western band.

02:09:42.000 They weren't big yet, and I put it in, and it was country music.

02:09:46.000 And I went, so Derrick Brooks and Warwick Dunn made a country album.

02:09:49.000 That's interesting.

02:09:50.000 And I listened to the whole fucking thing.

02:09:52.000 The whole thing?

02:09:53.000 I was like, one song, I was like, this is not bad.

02:09:55.000 I'm a fan of the guys.

02:09:56.000 I'm a fan of the...

02:09:57.000 Yeah, I'm in.

02:09:57.000 I'm in.

02:09:58.000 And I think I told you that, and you were like, Brooks and Dunn is not Warwick Brooks.

02:10:02.000 And you went to college.

02:10:04.000 Yeah.

02:10:05.000 Did you go?

02:10:06.000 Did I go?

02:10:06.000 Yeah.

02:10:07.000 He was gorgeous back then.

02:10:08.000 You dropped out.

02:10:09.000 Yeah.

02:10:10.000 You went all the way through, and then some?

02:10:12.000 Kinda.

02:10:13.000 All the way.

02:10:14.000 I had to take prison classes in New York.

02:10:18.000 What's that mean?

02:10:18.000 What does that mean?

02:10:19.000 So it was before the internet, so if you didn't finish school, you had to send in to the state of Florida and say, I want to finish college, and they'd give you the books that they give to the prisoners.

02:10:29.000 Wow.

02:10:30.000 Send them to me in New York.

02:10:31.000 I just had to read the books and write papers.

02:10:33.000 The prisoners?

02:10:33.000 So if you want to get a college course in prison, they send you the books and you just do the work?

02:10:37.000 Basically.

02:10:38.000 Just fill that shit out.

02:10:40.000 What?

02:10:40.000 Just fill it out.

02:10:41.000 Just basically, I got the books and I got the tests.

02:10:45.000 And I just had to fill out the tests.

02:10:46.000 Do you ever wonder, like, if you were in prison, like, how much shit you'd get done?

02:10:49.000 Do you think that?

02:10:50.000 Do you seem like the type of guy that would think you'd get, like, really fit?

02:10:54.000 I do.

02:10:55.000 That's a good fantasy for me.

02:10:57.000 I would read books all day, and I would do sit-ups.

02:10:58.000 I would lift so many bricks.

02:10:59.000 Yes.

02:11:01.000 I would think how many times...

02:11:02.000 How many times would I walk myself into a rape?

02:11:06.000 Where I'd go, like, you guys weren't gonna rape me.

02:11:08.000 They're like, well, we weren't even thinking about that, but now that you brought it up...

02:11:10.000 You seem like we can.

02:11:12.000 You seem pretty soft.

02:11:13.000 Yeah.

02:11:15.000 They probably want to rape a hard guy, just for like, you know, so it's a real good win.

02:11:20.000 A notch on the, yeah.

02:11:21.000 A good win, you know, if you rape like a gang leader.

02:11:23.000 Yeah.

02:11:24.000 You know, turn him.

02:11:25.000 You rape like a super twink, it's like, eh, who cares?

02:11:28.000 He wanted it.

02:11:29.000 Yeah.

02:11:30.000 Yeah.

02:11:30.000 Not good.

02:11:31.000 Yeah.

02:11:32.000 Yeah, but get like Tim Sylvia in there.

02:11:35.000 Oh, Jesus.

02:11:35.000 Ray Mercer raped Tim Sylvia.

02:11:38.000 Jesus Christ.

02:11:40.000 Right?

02:11:40.000 Giant feather in his cap.

02:11:42.000 Giant feather, so to speak.

02:11:44.000 Yeah, so to speak.

02:11:45.000 Let's talk about Tom behind his back.

02:11:47.000 When you first met Tom, How quickly did you like him?

02:11:51.000 Instantly.

02:11:52.000 Why does he have that?

02:11:53.000 It was funny.

02:11:54.000 We were at the Celebrity Theater.

02:11:56.000 We were doing the Maxim tour.

02:11:57.000 It was John Heffron, Charlie Murphy, and me.

02:12:00.000 And every town that we went to, there would be a new guy that would open.

02:12:04.000 A local guy.

02:12:05.000 Or in Tom's case, a guy from L.A. that was somehow or another they'd signed him.

02:12:10.000 They picked him to do it.

02:12:12.000 He was really funny.

02:12:14.000 He was really funny.

02:12:15.000 And he and I got along like that.

02:12:17.000 I met him when you said like, It wasn't Diaz or Duncan that week.

02:12:20.000 It was Tom Segura after that show.

02:12:22.000 And it was like, okay.

02:12:23.000 And then he was there and I was like, hey.

02:12:25.000 It was like 40 seconds of uncomfortable.

02:12:27.000 And then he was like, out of here again.

02:12:29.000 Yeah.

02:12:30.000 Well, you know what?

02:12:30.000 Here's what I was going to say about.

02:12:32.000 Here's what's real important about comics.

02:12:37.000 Recognizing that the doorman and the opening acts and the middle acts will one day be your peers.

02:12:43.000 They are your peers now.

02:12:44.000 That's the store.

02:12:45.000 That's the store.

02:12:45.000 There's no other club like that.

02:12:47.000 It was this direct line from brand, brand new employee to massive theater sellout, where it's like those came from there.

02:12:55.000 Bobby Lee was a door guy.

02:12:57.000 I was, well, I'm not that level.

02:12:59.000 You were a door guy when I met you.

02:13:00.000 Yeah.

02:13:01.000 But like, there were other guys who were like, straight from there too.

02:13:04.000 So it's like, it's not like you would be a dick to them, but like, they're going to be you.

02:13:09.000 And the guys who are big were like, I was that.

02:13:11.000 Yes.

02:13:12.000 Yes.

02:13:12.000 Well, it's like, there's a camaraderie in the game.

02:13:16.000 We're all trying to write a good dick joke.

02:13:18.000 Yeah, and we all support each other.

02:13:21.000 We're all fucking weirdos.

02:13:22.000 This is a rare weirdo.

02:13:24.000 There's not that many of us, man.

02:13:26.000 There's a small amount of human beings on the planet Earth that make a living telling jokes.

02:13:31.000 I mean, worldwide.

02:13:33.000 I did see a picture of Tom on one of your specials early on, and he was so fat.

02:13:39.000 You were so fat.

02:13:41.000 Oh yeah, that should be noted.

02:13:43.000 When he started fat shaming me, he was a 2.8.

02:13:46.000 What was your biggest thing you were?

02:13:47.000 That should be noticed that when he started fat shaming me, he was fatter than me.

02:13:50.000 Oh, he was so much fatter than me.

02:13:52.000 Yeah, he had just lost some weight.

02:13:53.000 He goes, I think I'm thinner than you now.

02:13:54.000 And he was still 270. No, it wasn't that.

02:13:57.000 It's that when you're fat and other people get fat, like, it doesn't mean that you're not fat, but they are too.

02:14:04.000 Yeah.

02:14:05.000 I was 240 at the time.

02:14:07.000 Were you 240?

02:14:07.000 I was 240 when I started trying to lose weight.

02:14:10.000 You're always not accurate with those numbers.

02:14:13.000 Joe, Joe, Joe, why do you pick up on numbers?

02:14:15.000 Just let the story go.

02:14:17.000 Why do you work for the IRS? The numbers are big.

02:14:23.000 You're about 253. Where are you at now?

02:14:25.000 Are you up or down since the last podcast?

02:14:27.000 I'm way down.

02:14:28.000 I'm way down.

02:14:29.000 I'm way down.

02:14:30.000 We have a scale.

02:14:33.000 I'm never getting on a scale in front of you.

02:14:35.000 Get on it.

02:14:37.000 Joe, Joe, Joe, I will never.

02:14:39.000 I want to see where I'm at after Columbia.

02:14:41.000 My special I shot, I was 220 when I shot it.

02:14:46.000 Were you really?

02:14:47.000 Yeah.

02:14:47.000 How'd you do that?

02:14:48.000 I'm so fat in it.

02:14:49.000 You see it?

02:14:50.000 I'm so fat.

02:14:51.000 How'd you get down there?

02:14:53.000 Sober October.

02:14:54.000 Dude, the funny thing is, when we started Sober October, it was this whole thing like, can you not drink for a minute?

02:15:00.000 And that was the first time.

02:15:02.000 Five years ago, whatever.

02:15:04.000 We were trying to save your life.

02:15:05.000 I think you did, maybe.

02:15:07.000 I don't know about that.

02:15:08.000 By the way, I'm much better today.

02:15:12.000 I did have a little bit of a stroke, right?

02:15:15.000 You were just drifting with the conversation.

02:15:17.000 I got so into it.

02:15:18.000 You were trying to say that I didn't know Jenna Jameson.

02:15:21.000 I'm like, what are you talking about?

02:15:22.000 Someone find that clip.

02:15:24.000 When Jamie pulled it, this October started, do you remember where you were at the end of September?

02:15:31.000 Yeah, you were just lost a bunch of weight.

02:15:33.000 At the end of September, beginning of October?

02:15:36.000 I have a fucking idea.

02:15:36.000 Yeah, you had just lost a bunch of weight.

02:15:38.000 Really?

02:15:38.000 Yeah, he had just lost a bunch of weight.

02:15:40.000 Because he was like, I'm actually going strong beforehand.

02:15:42.000 I was going strong into October.

02:15:43.000 I got down to 220 on my specials.

02:15:46.000 Joe said, can you be down to 205 at the end of October?

02:15:49.000 That's nothing, man.

02:15:50.000 How'd you not make 205?

02:15:51.000 You could have got that bill.

02:15:52.000 I stopped caring.

02:15:53.000 I was like, I can't.

02:15:54.000 No.

02:15:55.000 I can't have that brain set going into a special where I'm like obsessed with my weight.

02:15:59.000 I needed to work on material and I was like, I'm going to be me, I'm going to work out, I'm going to have fun.

02:16:03.000 You looked as good as Jon Panette like six months before he died.

02:16:07.000 Thank you, thank you, thank you.

02:16:09.000 By the way, the fact that Tom's weight This is not brought up at all.

02:16:20.000 I believe Tom is fatter than Bert and has been for many months.

02:16:23.000 I wish you had seen the boxes I'd given your presence in.

02:16:27.000 Tom's foot is so much smaller than your guy's.

02:16:30.000 What do you mean?

02:16:31.000 He's 5'8 tops, right?

02:16:33.000 5'8?

02:16:34.000 5'8 and a half?

02:16:35.000 Yeah.

02:16:35.000 5'8 and a half?

02:16:36.000 I don't mind that because people are always pleasantly surprised when they meet me.

02:16:39.000 You go ahead and put it out there.

02:16:40.000 Bullshit.

02:16:41.000 Every time I do a meet and greet, they go...

02:16:42.000 They go, hey, Tom actually is fatter than you.

02:16:44.000 And I go, no fucking shit!

02:16:46.000 I never hear that.

02:16:47.000 What size shoe do you have?

02:16:48.000 I never hear that.

02:16:49.000 What size shoe do you have?

02:16:50.000 Ten and a half.

02:16:51.000 Seven?

02:16:53.000 Joe's got an 11. Okay.

02:16:55.000 Ari's got a 12. I have a 13. You know what's annoying when you get an 11 in some shoes and it's too small?

02:17:01.000 Chuck Taylor's are running different.

02:17:02.000 Chuck's, yeah, man.

02:17:03.000 They're like a half a size too small.

02:17:05.000 Wait, Tom, how big are you now?

02:17:07.000 Let's not change the subject too much.

02:17:08.000 How big are you now, Tom?

02:17:10.000 How much do I weigh?

02:17:11.000 Yeah.

02:17:11.000 I feel like you've lost some weight since the beginning of October.

02:17:15.000 That's probably true.

02:17:16.000 We have a scale.

02:17:17.000 No, we're not.

02:17:18.000 Let's get the scale.

02:17:19.000 Jamie, call that up.

02:17:20.000 Get that scale.

02:17:21.000 Jamie Cole, let's go.

02:17:22.000 You got a scale?

02:17:24.000 I'd like to see how much I weigh after Columbia.

02:17:27.000 And then if you guys want to weigh as well, that's okay.

02:17:29.000 I don't care.

02:17:30.000 Joe, would you be mannered enough to weigh yourself?

02:17:32.000 Hey, I'm about 205 right now.

02:17:36.000 I have to predict what I weigh?

02:17:37.000 Predict.

02:17:39.000 I'm going to be honest with you, though.

02:17:40.000 I honestly have not been on a scale in a long time.

02:17:44.000 Me?

02:17:44.000 So I'm just saying, it'll be a total guess.

02:17:46.000 I get on one every morning.

02:17:47.000 I say I've got to stop eating carbs.

02:17:49.000 It'll be a total guess.

02:17:51.000 I got down to 194 at one point in time.

02:17:55.000 Jamie, you can put that back.

02:17:56.000 Joe, you did get under obese.

02:17:58.000 And you also got under obese.

02:18:00.000 No, no, no.

02:18:00.000 I think I was still obese.

02:18:02.000 I think it was not...

02:18:03.000 No, I did the math on both of you when you posted it.

02:18:06.000 I was overweight, but not obese.

02:18:06.000 Right.

02:18:07.000 What do you think you weigh, Bert?

02:18:08.000 235. You think you'll weigh that now?

02:18:11.000 I would...

02:18:12.000 Right there, baby.

02:18:13.000 If you're...

02:18:13.000 No, no, no.

02:18:14.000 I'm only saying that.

02:18:15.000 No, no, no.

02:18:16.000 Hold on.

02:18:16.000 We're not weighing in.

02:18:17.000 We're not weighing in.

02:18:18.000 We're definitely not weighing in.

02:18:19.000 We're definitely not weighing in.

02:18:21.000 You are what you are, man.

02:18:22.000 It's just a number.

02:18:22.000 What do you give a fuck?

02:18:24.000 Because...

02:18:24.000 Ari's gonna take his clothes off.

02:18:25.000 Oh, I will get totally fucking nude and pissed.

02:18:28.000 Hey, don't say that to him.

02:18:30.000 You're gonna see his cock now.

02:18:31.000 How do you say obviously in Spanish?

02:18:32.000 Obva?

02:18:32.000 Obvi?

02:18:33.000 Obvi?

02:18:34.000 How do you say obviously in Spanish?

02:18:35.000 Obvio.

02:18:36.000 Obvio.

02:18:37.000 I knew it was something close.

02:18:38.000 What are you doing?

02:18:39.000 Don't take your pants off, bro.

02:18:40.000 Don't take a piss.

02:18:41.000 Don't piss on the ground.

02:18:42.000 You can put your pants back on because I'm definitely not getting on a scale.

02:18:44.000 Underwear only.

02:18:45.000 Why are you scared of scales, Bert?

02:18:47.000 Because, Joe, it's not like this hasn't defined the last four years of my life online.

02:18:52.000 But you're doing well right now.

02:18:54.000 You look great.

02:18:55.000 Yeah, thanks guys.

02:18:55.000 I'd rather people think I look great than know what I wear.

02:18:57.000 My target weight is 175 to 180. Interesting.

02:19:02.000 Target weight.

02:19:03.000 That's like loose skin.

02:19:04.000 Yeah, that's weird.

02:19:05.000 Remember when Ari had a six pack?

02:19:06.000 Yeah.

02:19:07.000 Ari had a full six pack.

02:19:09.000 Look at that.

02:19:09.000 He's got a little bit of a six pack there.

02:19:11.000 Oh, he's skinny.

02:19:12.000 No, he's got abs.

02:19:13.000 It's not just that he's skinny.

02:19:15.000 What do you got?

02:19:16.000 Zero.

02:19:17.000 It's on carpet, Ari.

02:19:19.000 Big money, big money.

02:19:21.000 180?

02:19:22.000 It's the carpet.

02:19:23.000 It's the carpet.

02:19:24.000 180.6.

02:19:26.000 And that is with socks on.

02:19:28.000 Yeah, it's the carpet.

02:19:29.000 I don't trust carpet on these scales.

02:19:32.000 Okay, man, you don't have to get on it.

02:19:33.000 That's after two weeks in Columbia with nothing but fried food.

02:19:36.000 I'm okay with that.

02:19:37.000 You look good, dude.

02:19:38.000 Late in the day, chicharron today for lunch, a bandita paisa.

02:19:43.000 One thing that I did realize when you did Sober October, when we did the fitness challenge, is that if you just went whole hog and went crazy, you'd be a beast.

02:19:51.000 I ate nearly whole hog today.

02:19:53.000 No, but I mean, if you worked out really hard, you'd have a good body.

02:19:57.000 Here's the thing that I learned in Sober October, and Tom kept having to say this to me over and over again, is that what makes Ari Ari is not going full hog.

02:20:07.000 If you go full hog, it's not Ari.

02:20:10.000 He turns in...

02:20:11.000 And the same with me.

02:20:12.000 I get obsessed with weight, and it starts to beat every one of my thoughts.

02:20:16.000 The thing that defines you...

02:20:17.000 Oh, fuck.

02:20:18.000 The thing that defines you...

02:20:20.000 Take this slow.

02:20:21.000 No, it's not even that crazy.

02:20:22.000 It's true, and you'll know it's true.

02:20:24.000 I'm going to wait until the fourth quarter to really turn around.

02:20:28.000 That's what defines you.

02:20:29.000 It's a crammer.

02:20:30.000 And then in the fourth quarter, you'll do it...

02:20:33.000 Insane.

02:20:34.000 But there's no way you're going to be like, I'm going to study for this shit.

02:20:37.000 You're never going to prepare.

02:20:39.000 But when you say things, when you say things, like...

02:20:42.000 When you say things.

02:20:44.000 One of the times you said, I can do a split.

02:20:46.000 What were you thinking?

02:20:48.000 When you got down and you knew you were going to...

02:20:50.000 Did you think magically all of a sudden you would get really flexible?

02:20:54.000 But the pure confidence he goes in with it.

02:20:57.000 We're thinking like, I've never done a split in my life, I know they're hard to do, and I can do it.

02:21:01.000 Even though I know he's a bullshitter, part of me was like, wow, Burke can do a split.

02:21:05.000 Because he did a marathon!

02:21:07.000 He did do a marathon.

02:21:08.000 With nothing!

02:21:09.000 He ran four miles in his life, and then he fucking did a marathon the next day.

02:21:13.000 He's running five or six on a treadmill, which is like one in real life.

02:21:17.000 That is true.

02:21:18.000 You did run a marathon.

02:21:20.000 You will say I can do that to anything.

02:21:22.000 Jamie, get on the scale.

02:21:23.000 I'll say I can do that to anything.

02:21:24.000 You're definitely right about that.

02:21:25.000 Would you wait, Jamie?

02:21:25.000 Oh, you don't have to get on it.

02:21:27.000 Because it'll help everyone else get on it.

02:21:29.000 But don't you feel that way?

02:21:30.000 What?

02:21:30.000 I can do anything.

02:21:31.000 No.

02:21:32.000 Yeah, but you can do anything.

02:21:33.000 No.

02:21:34.000 But do you think...

02:21:37.000 Great discourse.

02:21:38.000 This is actually what defines the two of you.

02:21:41.000 Keep going.

02:21:41.000 No, but I think the same fire burns for both of us, right?

02:21:47.000 What?

02:21:48.000 You think...

02:21:50.000 Yeah, but your fire is maybe carne.

02:21:51.000 No, based on the thing of, like, you can do anything, right?

02:21:54.000 You go, no, I can't.

02:21:55.000 I need to work harder.

02:21:56.000 You have another stroke?

02:21:57.000 No, no, no.

02:21:57.000 You go, no, I can't.

02:21:58.000 I need to work harder.

02:22:00.000 You go, I can't shoot a bow and arrow a perfect shot.

02:22:03.000 I want to learn that.

02:22:04.000 I want to bust my ass.

02:22:05.000 I want to do that.

02:22:06.000 I'm the opposite way where I go, just give me a shot.

02:22:10.000 Let me try this right now.

02:22:11.000 That's unrealistic.

02:22:12.000 You can surf.

02:22:12.000 That is your guy's personality difference.

02:22:15.000 Our personality difference is very different.

02:22:17.000 I'm very objective about what I can and can't do.

02:22:20.000 That's how you get good at things.

02:22:21.000 You have to really look at what you're good and not good at and then work really hard at getting good at things.

02:22:27.000 Otherwise, you're just bullshitting yourself.

02:22:29.000 That gets you hurt if you're a fighter.

02:22:31.000 That gets you really hurt.

02:22:32.000 Yeah, but I'm not a fighter.

02:22:34.000 It actually is really interesting to think about.

02:22:37.000 Your background is what informs that opinion you just expressed.

02:22:42.000 And his experience is that saying that sometimes works out.

02:22:47.000 That's why he keeps saying it.

02:22:48.000 Didn't study in college.

02:22:49.000 Rolling Stone discovered me.

02:22:51.000 All of a sudden, I got a career.

02:22:52.000 He's the guy who will say...

02:22:55.000 It's bizarre, right?

02:22:56.000 But it worked.

02:22:57.000 Go to New York, Will Smith discovers me.

02:22:59.000 What the fuck?

02:23:01.000 Say I want to run a marathon, I do it.

02:23:04.000 You should have heard me the day I ran the marathon.

02:23:06.000 I was like, I think I can actually do anything.

02:23:09.000 Wait, didn't you say something about kicking field goals?

02:23:13.000 I think I could kick a field goal.

02:23:14.000 How long could you kick a field goal?

02:23:16.000 I feel like I could kick a 35-yarder easily with no work.

02:23:19.000 Thank you, Ari!

02:23:20.000 Thank you, Ari!

02:23:21.000 Remember when Scott Norwood missed a 35-yarder?

02:23:23.000 Yes!

02:23:23.000 And they lined up, and they said everybody at Washington Stadium was going to try a 35-yarder.

02:23:28.000 And people did it, people didn't do it.

02:23:29.000 I could easily kick a 35-yarder.

02:23:31.000 Thank you, Ari!

02:23:32.000 Thank you, Ari!

02:23:33.000 I wonder how far you could actually cook a football if you've never kicked a football before.

02:23:37.000 35 yards.

02:23:38.000 You have what they call explosivity.

02:23:41.000 So you could kick it a lot farther.

02:23:42.000 That's what Pat McAfee phrased.

02:23:44.000 You could kick it a lot farther than I could.

02:23:46.000 I've never kicked anything personally.

02:23:47.000 Well, I've kicked things my whole life.

02:23:48.000 That's why I'm wondering how far I could kick a football.

02:23:51.000 Well, man.

02:23:51.000 Because I could kick it straight, too.

02:23:53.000 Because I could roundhouse kick shit pretty fucking hard.

02:23:55.000 That's interesting, actually.

02:23:56.000 I bet.

02:23:59.000 You would have to take five tries to learn how to kick it straight, and then once you did that, you could go far.

02:24:05.000 The power would be nuts.

02:24:06.000 Now, the thing about a field goal isn't necessarily the kicking, it's the mindset.

02:24:11.000 Could you roll in?

02:24:12.000 No, no, no.

02:24:13.000 Can you roll into the moment under pressure and perform?

02:24:16.000 That's not hard.

02:24:16.000 But that's in the game.

02:24:17.000 No, that's what a field goal is.

02:24:19.000 So in a game, you've got guys running.

02:24:21.000 Yeah, but in a practice, let's say someone's holding it for you, right?

02:24:25.000 Or it's on one of those tees, like propped up, and you're just going through the execution of kicking a field goal.

02:24:32.000 But hold on, that's not a field goal.

02:24:34.000 This is my point.

02:24:34.000 What do you mean it's not a field goal?

02:24:35.000 So what they're doing to college kids now is saying, you want a scholarship?

02:24:39.000 One shot.

02:24:40.000 51 yards.

02:24:41.000 Can you make this?

02:24:42.000 You get a scholarship.

02:24:43.000 Yeah, but you practice for it.

02:24:43.000 No, no, no.

02:24:44.000 No, they're not doing that.

02:24:45.000 They are 100% doing that.

02:24:46.000 They're not lining up a guy going, one shot, 51 yards, you can get a scholarship.

02:24:50.000 Please Google that, Jamie.

02:24:51.000 Please Google that, Jamie.

02:24:52.000 What colleges?

02:24:52.000 What are you talking about?

02:24:54.000 Jamie, please Google that.

02:24:56.000 Please Google that.

02:24:56.000 I have to say, that sounds ridiculous.

02:25:00.000 Jamie, please Google that.

02:25:02.000 It's college.

02:25:03.000 It's college.

02:25:04.000 Fucking 50,000 a year.

02:25:07.000 It's 100% happening.

02:25:09.000 It's 100% happening.

02:25:10.000 50,000, $60,000 a year.

02:25:12.000 They're like, hey, we'll give it to you.

02:25:13.000 Jamie, pull it up, please.

02:25:14.000 Just kick that ball once.

02:25:16.000 You were trying to get those guys on the scale.

02:25:18.000 What?

02:25:19.000 Let's go.

02:25:19.000 Let's see it.

02:25:20.000 No, no, no, no.

02:25:21.000 Let's get this field goal thing out first.

02:25:22.000 So they are doing that for kids to get a scholarship because they're thinking, fuck, we need you in a pressure moment.

02:25:28.000 No bigger moment than you winning your scholarship.

02:25:30.000 They've done this for real?

02:25:31.000 100%.

02:25:31.000 I saw it online.

02:25:32.000 I was like, shut the fuck up.

02:25:33.000 Kid made it.

02:25:35.000 Kid made a field goal.

02:25:36.000 51 yards?

02:25:37.000 I say numbers.

02:25:39.000 What are you worried about numbers?

02:25:40.000 Yeah, there you go.

02:25:41.000 51 yards is really far.

02:25:44.000 That's a legit field goal.

02:25:45.000 But I'm telling you, it's not a fucking chip-in that the kid's doing to get a scholarship.

02:25:50.000 They do it and say, you want your fucking scholarship?

02:25:54.000 Hit a field goal.

02:25:54.000 I definitely saw it online.

02:25:56.000 I know it's a real thing.

02:25:57.000 But my point is...

02:25:59.000 You don't have a point.

02:26:00.000 Jamie has not looked that up yet, by the way.

02:26:01.000 He's the master of looking things up.

02:26:04.000 Hey Siri, look up 51...

02:26:06.000 No, fuck it.

02:26:08.000 Hey Siri, go through stroke analysis.

02:26:11.000 Jamie, is that an even there for real?

02:26:16.000 Planet 51. This is 51 planets.

02:26:19.000 There's a guy in Nevada that gave a scholarship after he hit the game winning.

02:26:23.000 He was already on the team.

02:26:24.000 There was a guy, I'm telling you.

02:26:26.000 A little different story.

02:26:27.000 A little different.

02:26:28.000 Slightly different.

02:26:29.000 I wish this still was live.

02:26:31.000 This podcast was live.

02:26:32.000 It's totally live.

02:26:34.000 That's true.

02:26:35.000 It's being broadcast live right now.

02:26:37.000 Here we go.

02:26:38.000 Here's a video of it.

02:26:40.000 Coach offers scholarship if kicker hits 53-yard field goal.

02:26:44.000 But this is one video.

02:26:46.000 Yeah, but he's a player.

02:26:47.000 They're offering him scholarship if he can do it.

02:26:50.000 That's how that works.

02:26:51.000 Walk on kicker.

02:26:52.000 And Offrey couldn't refuse.

02:26:54.000 But that's not a student, right?

02:26:55.000 He's the walk-off kid.

02:26:56.000 Oh, no, they didn't like that.

02:26:57.000 That's close.

02:26:58.000 I'll give Bert that.

02:26:59.000 This is closer than what we were talking about.

02:27:01.000 So they give this guy a shot.

02:27:02.000 Here it is.

02:27:02.000 Everyone's around him.

02:27:03.000 Let's watch this.

02:27:04.000 Here we go.

02:27:06.000 Boom!

02:27:07.000 And he gets his fucking scholarship.

02:27:08.000 Damn!

02:27:09.000 Is that kind of what I said, off by two yards?

02:27:11.000 No, I'll give it to you.

02:27:12.000 Thank you, Ari.

02:27:13.000 No, that is it.

02:27:14.000 It's actually harder than what you said.

02:27:16.000 Yeah, it actually is.

02:27:16.000 53-yard field goal.

02:27:17.000 Kid just got a scholarship.

02:27:18.000 Damn, that's amazing.

02:27:19.000 He just saved his parents a lot of money.

02:27:22.000 So, here's the thing, though.

02:27:23.000 They're not doing that.

02:27:24.000 They did that.

02:27:25.000 They're not doing that for anybody who can kick a 53-year-old.

02:27:28.000 I'll also give that to Joe.

02:27:29.000 Yeah.

02:27:29.000 Okay.

02:27:30.000 You just phrased it, but you were right.

02:27:32.000 They did do it.

02:27:33.000 Yeah.

02:27:34.000 They did it once, but it's not something they do.

02:27:35.000 Get on the scale, bro.

02:27:36.000 You did it.

02:27:37.000 Get on the scale.

02:27:39.000 Get on the scale.

02:27:42.000 Fucking no way.

02:27:43.000 Let's go!

02:27:44.000 Hey, this is a October wrap-up.

02:27:45.000 Let's see what you're at.

02:27:46.000 I was trying to say this earlier.

02:27:47.000 Guys, where are you going to piss?

02:27:49.000 I remember doing a podcast with you.

02:27:50.000 Piss and then weigh in, Joe.

02:27:51.000 I did a podcast with you at the end of September, beginning of October, and you looked like a fucking junkie.

02:27:59.000 Like, on the streets.

02:28:01.000 That's a podcast you go to?

02:28:02.000 The Two Fat Cows podcast?

02:28:03.000 Yes!

02:28:05.000 Wait, I'm sorry, what's the name of our podcast?

02:28:07.000 Two Fat Cows.

02:28:10.000 It's regular cows, but fatter.

02:28:11.000 Two cows, one barn!

02:28:15.000 Two fat fucks.

02:28:17.000 But at the end of...

02:28:19.000 One barn!

02:28:20.000 Dude, at the end of October...

02:28:23.000 He looked transformed.

02:28:24.000 He looked transformed.

02:28:26.000 Yeah, at the end of October.

02:28:27.000 Yes!

02:28:28.000 It was one month.

02:28:30.000 One month.

02:28:30.000 He looked, for everybody, he looked dramatically different.

02:28:35.000 Blurp, what are you wearing right now?

02:28:36.000 What are you wearing?

02:28:38.000 I weighed the other day, it was 232. What do you weigh?

02:28:43.000 Between 235 and 238. For what?

02:28:49.000 We're telling you the right numbers.

02:28:51.000 Tell us if those are the right numbers or not.

02:28:53.000 Let me see something.

02:28:56.000 Just wear your foot.

02:28:57.000 Just wear your foot right now.

02:28:59.000 Hold on, I'll tell you.

02:29:01.000 This thing's fucked.

02:29:03.000 Do you want to do a trust way?

02:29:04.000 How about this?

02:29:05.000 How about this?

02:29:05.000 By the way, I had a fourth show for my special, February 7th, fourth show, 10 o'clock show.

02:29:11.000 Oh, yeah.

02:29:12.000 I'm going to do plugs while he's gone.

02:29:13.000 Yeah, while he's gone quickly.

02:29:14.000 Spokane, New Orleans, Atlanta, Hawaii, Charlotte, Pittsburgh, and Portland, Maine.

02:29:20.000 This is the rounding out the Jew tour.

02:29:22.000 Fuck.

02:29:23.000 Where are my tickets?

02:29:24.000 How about this?

02:29:25.000 You ready for this?

02:29:26.000 What if Tom and I weigh in together?

02:29:29.000 Yeah.

02:29:29.000 And weigh under 7,000?

02:29:32.000 How about this?

02:29:33.000 If Tom and I weigh under 500 pounds.

02:29:37.000 Yeah.

02:29:37.000 You have to weigh under 500 pounds.

02:29:39.000 It's 250 each.

02:29:40.000 No, you don't weigh under 500. We would definitely weigh under 500 pounds.

02:29:43.000 We weigh under 500. Yeah, no, for sure.

02:29:45.000 Full clothes on?

02:29:46.000 Not peeing?

02:29:47.000 That's what I'm talking about.

02:29:48.000 Yeah, I'm saying 498?

02:29:53.000 No, you have to weigh under 450. Yeah, we weigh over 450. Over 450 together?

02:29:59.000 Well, yeah, that'd be 225 each.

02:30:01.000 And you don't?

02:30:02.000 We definitely weigh over that.

02:30:03.000 Oh, yeah.

02:30:04.000 475?

02:30:05.000 Pretty poor water.

02:30:07.000 475. Pretty poor water.

02:30:09.000 You weighing in?

02:30:10.000 Yeah, he's weighing in.

02:30:11.000 Joe, what do you think Tom and I weigh in together?

02:30:13.000 Him on my back.

02:30:14.000 1,000 pounds.

02:30:16.000 I said 7,000, but it might be 1,000.

02:30:19.000 How do you still have those tits?

02:30:20.000 Jesus, Joe.

02:30:23.000 You look like the dude from fucking Guardians of the Galaxy.

02:30:25.000 I work out.

02:30:28.000 I work out.

02:30:35.000 You wear the underwear for a guy who works out.

02:30:37.000 Oh, you gotta get off first.

02:30:39.000 Yeah, you gotta get off first, idiot.

02:30:40.000 Stupid idiot, you don't know how to wear yourself.

02:30:42.000 Look at your core.

02:30:46.000 What is it?

02:30:48.000 205. And what did you say you normally weigh?

02:30:50.000 205. I'd say I'm 205 right now because I've been eating a lot of carbs.

02:30:54.000 Wow.

02:30:54.000 That's 100% accurate.

02:30:56.000 Because he's been eating.

02:30:56.000 How come you don't have any chest tattoos?

02:30:59.000 This is getting really gay.

02:31:02.000 You should get a tattoo right down the middle of your tits that says, like, on it.

02:31:08.000 Is this the best shape you've ever been in?

02:31:10.000 No, he's bad.

02:31:11.000 He's been eating carbs.

02:31:11.000 No, no, no.

02:31:12.000 I meant, like, as a grown-up, this time period?

02:31:16.000 No, I'm 10 pounds overweight right now.

02:31:18.000 So you think you were in better shape when you were younger?

02:31:20.000 Oh, 100%.

02:31:21.000 No, you should see the fucking Joe Rogan headshot on the Comedy Store wall.

02:31:25.000 He's a 140-pound weakling.

02:31:31.000 How much did you weigh when you got into comedy?

02:31:33.000 Joe, 205 exactly?

02:31:35.000 205, exactly.

02:31:36.000 I'm gonna go piss.

02:31:37.000 But I'm supposed to be like 195. From 195. What'd you get down to in October?

02:31:43.000 You posted something.

02:31:45.000 What?

02:31:45.000 194. 194. I was pretty sure.

02:31:49.000 Still birthed at Tom Wade at like 2.30.

02:31:52.000 Oh yeah, just for the bit.

02:31:53.000 I'll do it again, but just tell him.

02:31:55.000 What is believable that we could put you in at?

02:31:58.000 Just say 2.32.

02:31:59.000 Not 2.28?

02:32:00.000 Nah, nah, nah.

02:32:01.000 Who wouldn't believe that?

02:32:02.000 Here's what we do.

02:32:03.000 You climb on, I'm going to get right behind you like I'm trying to make sure that you weigh in and you just lean on me.

02:32:11.000 That's how, what's his name, did it?

02:32:12.000 Yeah.

02:32:12.000 What's his name?

02:32:14.000 Calvin Gaslam did that.

02:32:15.000 No, no, no, the black guy.

02:32:16.000 No, Calvin did that.

02:32:16.000 The black guy who lost the fucking talent.

02:32:18.000 Daniel Cormier.

02:32:19.000 But no, Calvin leaned on his manager's shoulder.

02:32:22.000 Yeah, look.

02:32:23.000 Do it, do it, do it.

02:32:24.000 Train, train, train, train, train, train, train.

02:32:26.000 Train and cheating.

02:32:27.000 Train and cheating.

02:32:29.000 Just go, go, go, go, go, go.

02:32:37.000 What is it?

02:32:38.000 Still going.

02:32:39.000 Because it's not really because you're going to rest steady.

02:32:42.000 Oh, it's an error.

02:32:43.000 Because it's very...

02:32:44.000 Yeah, you've got to, like, rest steady.

02:32:45.000 Okay, we've got to do this right.

02:32:49.000 Make your shoulder hard.

02:32:51.000 Hard.

02:32:51.000 Try the chair.

02:32:53.000 Okay, he's back.

02:32:53.000 He's back.

02:32:54.000 He's back.

02:32:56.000 No, I think he's one of the best guys I've ever met.

02:32:58.000 237. 237?

02:33:00.000 Yes.

02:33:08.000 How much are you carrying?

02:33:13.000 What's in between the fat fold and the unfold?

02:33:25.000 What's it at?

02:33:28.000 237. It's the same weight!

02:33:31.000 It's the same weight!

02:33:32.000 237?

02:33:34.000 Both play football!

02:33:38.000 We lost talent!

02:33:40.000 Wait a minute, though.

02:33:41.000 Wait, but you are fully clothed.

02:33:44.000 I'm fully clothed.

02:33:44.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

02:33:44.000 Same thing, same thing, same thing.

02:33:46.000 It's a sweatsuit.

02:33:47.000 Well, hey, guys.

02:33:48.000 It is what it is.

02:33:49.000 Oh, shit.

02:33:51.000 These are great pictures.

02:33:52.000 This is great for your premiere date.

02:33:55.000 When is that date?

02:33:57.000 I can't say it.

02:33:58.000 Tom, when's yours?

02:33:59.000 It's right near then.

02:34:03.000 So, are you guys trying to do something?

02:34:07.000 Are you trying to do a weight loss challenge?

02:34:08.000 Is that what I smell?

02:34:10.000 We should.

02:34:10.000 Yeah, let's do it.

02:34:11.000 Wait, what?

02:34:12.000 I'm in.

02:34:12.000 I'm fucking totally in.

02:34:13.000 Can you bring up a BMI just on your computer?

02:34:15.000 Thank you.

02:34:16.000 I'm totally in.

02:34:17.000 That BMI thing is all horseshit.

02:34:19.000 No, Joe, it's horseshit for you.

02:34:21.000 Because of muscle.

02:34:23.000 Can we agree that that's not their problem?

02:34:26.000 It's a different problem.

02:34:27.000 Bro, there's a lot of leg muscle in me.

02:34:31.000 For sure.

02:34:33.000 Hot spin, bro.

02:34:34.000 Hot spin.

02:34:38.000 Okay.

02:34:38.000 What can be a weight house challenge for you?

02:34:40.000 This is how this all started.

02:34:42.000 I had Tom on my podcast, and then Bert went on and said, Tom's losing weight, and you go, no way.

02:34:48.000 I can lose more weight than him.

02:34:49.000 That's true.

02:34:50.000 Oh, is that how it started?

02:34:51.000 Yeah.

02:34:51.000 You were at my old, old apartment.

02:34:55.000 Tom I interviewed at his hotel room.

02:34:58.000 He had just passed you, and you were like, let's see what we can get down to.

02:35:01.000 I could definitely get into a weight loss challenge now.

02:35:03.000 I got nothing on the books but a tour.

02:35:06.000 205, I think, is a real number.

02:35:08.000 If you do 205, you can get the belt.

02:35:10.000 You can still have the belt.

02:35:11.000 Both of you.

02:35:12.000 First one to 205. Look at that.

02:35:15.000 How about not even a specific time period?

02:35:17.000 First one to 205. Tom's got nothing, except for Australia's going to be rough.

02:35:21.000 No, but he's not really a drinker.

02:35:24.000 No, just kangaroos.

02:35:26.000 Kangaroos?

02:35:27.000 Eating it?

02:35:27.000 Yeah.

02:35:27.000 Tom can't say no to anything.

02:35:29.000 Australia.

02:35:30.000 Australian food's not that fat.

02:35:32.000 They're very healthy over there.

02:35:34.000 Meat pies?

02:35:35.000 Meat pies.

02:35:36.000 Two of five.

02:35:37.000 Are you doing Melbourne?

02:35:38.000 I am.

02:35:38.000 Great restaurants in Melbourne.

02:35:40.000 Yeah.

02:35:40.000 Wait, wait.

02:35:41.000 Great coffee, too.

02:35:42.000 What's a legit coffee place?

02:35:44.000 Bring up a BMI. I'm going to go over that.

02:35:45.000 I'll tell you what, man.

02:35:47.000 BMI is, I'm obese right now.

02:35:49.000 Joe, we understand that the muscle goes on the outlier.

02:35:53.000 I know, but I'm just saying, just numbers-wise, I'm obese, and then when I got to 195, I was just overweight.

02:35:57.000 Just made the cut.

02:35:59.000 I think 195 is like the borderline of obese.

02:36:03.000 I got to 194, so that's overweight.

02:36:05.000 Okay.

02:36:05.000 What would you guys be?

02:36:07.000 Burt, you're 6'1", 6'2"?

02:36:09.000 6'1".

02:36:10.000 6'1".

02:36:10.000 Tom, you're 4'8".

02:36:12.000 Don't forget, Tom's a great one.

02:36:17.000 You're Peruvian or Argentinian?

02:36:19.000 Peruvian.

02:36:20.000 Peruvian.

02:36:21.000 I always thought...

02:36:21.000 Do you have the attitude of an Argentinian?

02:36:23.000 The aloofness and the kind of...

02:36:25.000 Better than thou?

02:36:26.000 Yeah, that's Argentinian.

02:36:29.000 Okay, five...

02:36:30.000 No, that's it, right there.

02:36:32.000 Five, ten...

02:36:33.000 You're 5'11", right?

02:36:34.000 For real?

02:36:35.000 Six.

02:36:35.000 Come on, man.

02:36:36.000 No, it's not.

02:36:38.000 You know what?

02:36:38.000 Let's just, to be fair, call us both six.

02:36:40.000 Just because I'll give him an inch.

02:36:42.000 Wow, I'm extremely.

02:36:43.000 I need an inch.

02:36:43.000 6'1", 5'11".

02:36:44.000 No, it's not.

02:36:45.000 5'11 and a half?

02:36:47.000 You're not six feet.

02:36:48.000 Yeah, six feet.

02:36:50.000 Does it say extremely obese or just obese?

02:36:52.000 I'm just obese.

02:36:53.000 There's a white thing.

02:36:56.000 What am I? 6'3"?

02:36:59.000 You're healthy as fuck!

02:37:01.000 You're healthy as fuck, Ari.

02:37:02.000 Where's the weight part?

02:37:04.000 This one ends at 215. Oh my god!

02:37:07.000 It ends at 215. You guys are doing that for that chart.

02:37:09.000 1-8.

02:37:10.000 1-8.

02:37:11.000 What?

02:37:13.000 Okay, there we go.

02:37:14.000 Extreme levels.

02:37:16.000 6-3.

02:37:16.000 Okay, definitely take that off.

02:37:18.000 We should do a bodybuilding challenge.

02:37:20.000 6. Do you really want to do that?

02:37:22.000 Nope.

02:37:22.000 You can get hurt.

02:37:24.000 We were talking about doing a power weight lifting challenge.

02:37:29.000 Remember that?

02:37:30.000 Who can go from what you can do now to the most weight?

02:37:35.000 Who can add on the most weight?

02:37:37.000 That's a great way to get hurt.

02:37:40.000 Let's do that.

02:37:41.000 No.

02:37:42.000 You could get really fucked up, man.

02:37:43.000 Let's get really hurt.

02:37:44.000 No, I'm up for...

02:37:45.000 I'm always up for weight loss challenge.

02:37:47.000 The reason...

02:37:48.000 What happened with me with 205, not that I could have gotten there.

02:37:50.000 I'm not going to say I could have gotten there during Sober October.

02:37:52.000 You had a stroke.

02:37:53.000 I become obsessive-compulsive about it, and I can't focus...

02:37:58.000 On what you have to do.

02:37:59.000 You had to do a special.

02:37:59.000 You had to do a special, so I was like, I got to disconnect.

02:38:01.000 When you got a special, it's like all hands on deck.

02:38:03.000 I got nothing on the books other than the Birdie World World Tour.

02:38:06.000 What...

02:38:07.000 Bertie Bertworth, does that start soon?

02:38:09.000 January 30th in Vermont, Burlington.

02:38:11.000 First time there.

02:38:11.000 How do you get tickets for this?

02:38:12.000 Go to BertBertBert.com.

02:38:13.000 Thanks, Joe.

02:38:18.000 Second show's added.

02:38:20.000 Second show's added.

02:38:21.000 I could get into a weight loss challenge.

02:38:24.000 I could really get into a weight loss challenge.

02:38:25.000 Do you think you'd get shredded?

02:38:26.000 Do you get down like 205?

02:38:28.000 I wish I had weighed myself at other times.

02:38:32.000 I've got an idea.

02:38:33.000 I've got an idea.

02:38:35.000 I record my spells for February 7th and 8th.

02:38:38.000 I will, at the end of that special, start gaining weight.

02:38:43.000 First one to pass me wins.

02:38:46.000 I love this idea.

02:38:50.000 I will eat for real for real.

02:38:54.000 What?!

02:38:54.000 186. Damn, look how slim you are.

02:39:00.000 That's when I met my wife.

02:39:01.000 Damn, you got those fuck handles?

02:39:03.000 She signed on for a raw deal.

02:39:05.000 Yeah, no, it's got a penny stock.

02:39:08.000 Wow.

02:39:09.000 I will gain weight.

02:39:10.000 Wait, whoa, whoa.

02:39:11.000 Google Skinny Tom Segura.

02:39:12.000 Have you ever seen Tom's jawline?

02:39:14.000 He looks like fucking Magnum P.I. when he was skinny.

02:39:17.000 Seventh grade?

02:39:17.000 Bro, I'm telling you right now, a very, very attractive man.

02:39:22.000 I believe you.

02:39:23.000 Find Skinny Tommy.

02:39:25.000 Where can we find that pic?

02:39:25.000 You know you know where you can find that.

02:39:27.000 And then Google Fat.

02:39:28.000 Look at this fucking guy.

02:39:31.000 Oh, Jesus.

02:39:32.000 Look at his pouty lips.

02:39:34.000 Look at you.

02:39:35.000 Wow.

02:39:35.000 I might have gotten a scar and a pus.

02:39:37.000 You like that, Ari.

02:39:38.000 Come on.

02:39:38.000 I'm standing up like a masturbator.

02:39:40.000 Yeah.

02:39:41.000 You look good.

02:39:41.000 I only masturbate standing up.

02:39:43.000 You're good back then.

02:39:44.000 Yeah.

02:39:44.000 Who's that guy on the left pretending to be you?

02:39:46.000 Look at that.

02:39:47.000 Who's that fucking guy?

02:39:48.000 That's a fake you.

02:39:49.000 Oh, he's got your t-shirt.

02:39:50.000 That's not my t-shirt.

02:39:52.000 By the way, how great is that title for an album?

02:39:55.000 What is that t-shirt?

02:39:57.000 No idea.

02:39:58.000 That title was great.

02:39:59.000 I remember that CD. Thrilled was back in the early 2000s, right?

02:40:03.000 2010. Oh, shit.

02:40:05.000 Yeah.

02:40:06.000 20 times.

02:40:07.000 Look at you.

02:40:08.000 That's a good looking Tom right there.

02:40:09.000 That's the one I fell in love with.

02:40:11.000 Yeah, look at that sweetie.

02:40:13.000 I remember exactly when that was.

02:40:16.000 When was that?

02:40:17.000 That was on Russell Peters' show on Showtime.

02:40:20.000 You got a fat dimple on your chin, on your cheek.

02:40:24.000 2009. The thing about weight loss is if you guys just do the weight loss thing and just get down and wait for a day or a couple days, that doesn't help anybody.

02:40:38.000 It doesn't.

02:40:39.000 No.

02:40:40.000 What if you could keep it off?

02:40:42.000 That's the key.

02:40:43.000 Could you keep it off?

02:40:44.000 What is your thing?

02:40:45.000 What keeps you eating?

02:40:48.000 What's your vice?

02:40:50.000 For me, it's pasta.

02:40:52.000 It's carbs.

02:40:53.000 When I eat a lot of carbs, it's just like, fuck, I can't help myself sometimes.

02:40:58.000 Yeah, I would say it's probably carb-related.

02:41:00.000 Like, I like rice, bread.

02:41:02.000 Pasta.

02:41:03.000 Pasta, yeah.

02:41:04.000 I love it.

02:41:06.000 I mean, I'm not a crazy sweet tooth.

02:41:09.000 I'm a glutton, too.

02:41:11.000 I eat and I'm stuffed and I just keep eating.

02:41:14.000 I don't really do that as much anymore.

02:41:17.000 I used to do that all the time.

02:41:19.000 I used to think that's how meals were completed.

02:41:21.000 Like, every meal.

02:41:22.000 But that's, I would say, at my worst.

02:41:25.000 But I don't think I really eat like that most of the time now.

02:41:29.000 But I don't, you know...

02:41:30.000 I'm not like...

02:41:33.000 Weighing out everything as much as I should, you know.

02:41:36.000 So you could just cut back your portions.

02:41:40.000 I could, yeah.

02:41:41.000 And you'd probably still be fine.

02:41:43.000 You probably wouldn't feel like you're denying yourself anything.

02:41:46.000 Yeah, I think so.

02:41:47.000 Yeah.

02:41:48.000 That's how I always feel.

02:41:49.000 I always feel like, too, like I'll get on a good meal plan and it's just about the discipline of sticking to it and then, you know, start doing it less.

02:41:57.000 What are you doing now?

02:41:58.000 Are you going to go with your clothes on?

02:41:59.000 How much did you pee?

02:42:01.000 With your clothes on.

02:42:04.000 Wow.

02:42:05.000 Yeah, you're...

02:42:06.000 I understand my problem with weight loss.

02:42:09.000 I don't understand yours.

02:42:11.000 Yours is booze.

02:42:12.000 Yeah, mine's booze.

02:42:13.000 Yours is booze, obviously.

02:42:14.000 Yours is not a booze thing, right?

02:42:16.000 No, it's not.

02:42:16.000 But it's more than booze.

02:42:17.000 It's the things that booze invites into my life after midnight.

02:42:22.000 Late night food is rough.

02:42:23.000 But also, the empty calories of booze.

02:42:26.000 Empty calories of booze is what it is.

02:42:28.000 Seven calories per gram.

02:42:29.000 Dude, you lost like fucking 30 pounds by not drinking.

02:42:33.000 Yeah.

02:42:34.000 What is yours?

02:42:35.000 Yeah, it's food.

02:42:36.000 Yeah, so if you lost 30 pounds from not drinking, you'd be 207. You're on 205's door.

02:42:40.000 You're just knocking at it.

02:42:41.000 Yeah, but I don't know what Tom...

02:42:43.000 Because Tom does not...

02:42:45.000 We've had dinner a bunch of times.

02:42:47.000 It's not like he's a gluttonous eater.

02:42:49.000 I bet you have had dinner a bunch of times.

02:42:51.000 Tonight.

02:42:52.000 I ate with Ralphie, man, and he would fucking...

02:42:55.000 He would, like, jaw-drop you on food.

02:42:58.000 It was crazy!

02:42:59.000 It was crazy!

02:43:00.000 We went to Katana once, and he ordered, like, everything, and then it was like, oh, that's great, we're all gonna eat.

02:43:05.000 He goes, no, no, that's my order.

02:43:07.000 Now you guys put in your order.

02:43:08.000 Dude, that's my...

02:43:09.000 The Burt's sushi experience with Ralphie is my favorite story.

02:43:14.000 Because of the whole thing, is that...

02:43:19.000 Bert is like, you're an opening act at the time.

02:43:23.000 Yeah, it was opening for him.

02:43:24.000 And Ralphie is inviting Bert and his wife, or Leanne, or Ralphie's wife.

02:43:33.000 They're all having dinner.

02:43:35.000 Ralphie's paying all the time.

02:43:36.000 Like four meals, four meals.

02:43:37.000 And they're in Hawaii.

02:43:38.000 No, no, no, no.

02:43:41.000 Oh, sorry, Bahamas.

02:43:42.000 Bahamas, yeah.

02:43:43.000 And then for the next night, Bert's like, I'm going to cover.

02:43:47.000 Like a respectful thing, you know?

02:43:49.000 You've bought all these dinners.

02:43:50.000 I'm taking you to dinner tonight.

02:43:52.000 And they go to sushi.

02:43:53.000 It's like Ralphie.

02:43:54.000 And Ralphie starts ordering, and they're bringing boats out.

02:43:57.000 Like the boats with all the sushi.

02:43:59.000 And you guys are jumping in, and you don't realize it's all for him?

02:44:03.000 Well, he's just ordering.

02:44:04.000 He's just ordering.

02:44:06.000 And I know I'm paying for it, but he's just ordering.

02:44:08.000 He's like, I got this player.

02:44:09.000 And I was like, alright, cool.

02:44:11.000 And he just kept ordering and ordering.

02:44:12.000 And I'm eating and I'm drinking.

02:44:14.000 And then, keep going.

02:44:15.000 I like you telling the story better than me.

02:44:17.000 It makes me laugh because...

02:44:19.000 Ralphie had treated you guys to, like, four meals.

02:44:22.000 And then you're just like...

02:44:23.000 I pull the waitress aside.

02:44:25.000 I've been in this position before, too, where somebody's like, you know, you want to be like, you know what?

02:44:31.000 Like, I'm a fucking man, and I'm gonna buy dinner.

02:44:36.000 Now, tonight's my night.

02:44:38.000 But you're not in a position to take this bill.

02:44:41.000 So, like, they bring the bill, and it's a fucking four-figure bill.

02:44:45.000 This is over a thousand dollar sushi experience.

02:44:50.000 And then you insist on paying, and Leanne...

02:44:54.000 Leanne goes, how much is it?

02:44:56.000 They go, go fuck yourself.

02:44:57.000 That's how much it is.

02:44:58.000 And she goes, you don't talk to me like that.

02:44:59.000 And they go, go fuck yourself again.

02:45:01.000 Don't talk to me.

02:45:02.000 And Ravi goes, oh, playa.

02:45:03.000 You should have just let me pay it for, playa.

02:45:06.000 And she goes, why are you talking to me like this?

02:45:08.000 And I'm looking at like a fucking $1,500 bill, I think it was $1,200 or $1,500.

02:45:14.000 I didn't have the money in the bank account to pay for the tip.

02:45:19.000 But it's like that, because I fucking...

02:45:21.000 I think why the story always hits me is because I feel myself doing the same...

02:45:26.000 I would do the same thing.

02:45:27.000 Oh, yeah.

02:45:27.000 I would do the same thing.

02:45:28.000 Ralphie was so generous.

02:45:30.000 Like, he just was so generous that...

02:45:33.000 I don't want you to think I'm taking advantage of you.

02:45:35.000 I want you to know that I'm your friend and I want to pay for things too.

02:45:39.000 Motherfucker.

02:45:40.000 So what happened?

02:45:42.000 Ralphie goes, Leanne's irate at me.

02:45:46.000 Storms off.

02:45:46.000 Ralphie goes, I'll play her.

02:45:47.000 We got to win it back on blackjack.

02:45:52.000 Took $1,000 out, maybe $2,000 out of the bank machine.

02:45:57.000 Go to roulette.

02:45:58.000 Put it on black.

02:46:01.000 Hits red.

02:46:05.000 All I remember is we were the couple in the lobby fighting.

02:46:09.000 Like, it was so bad.

02:46:11.000 You can't even, like, save for the hotel room.

02:46:13.000 And Ralphie walked past me, and it was not a drop in the bucket.

02:46:16.000 Ralphie would lose $2,000, and he just saw me fighting with Leanne.

02:46:18.000 He goes, oh, Miss Leanne, give him a break.

02:46:22.000 He tried his best.

02:46:23.000 He tried his best.

02:46:24.000 I'll see you on the plane, playboy.

02:46:25.000 And then Ralphie was on the plane.

02:46:26.000 You know, my whole part of the story that I remember the most?

02:46:29.000 Ralphie read a book on a flight from Miami to L.A. He read the whole fucking book.

02:46:34.000 I've never read a fucking book in five hours.

02:46:36.000 He was like a really, like he read a book.

02:46:38.000 I remember sitting next to him, he read a book.

02:46:40.000 That's the crazy part of the story I remember.

02:46:46.000 He was very generous.

02:46:48.000 And you were broke?

02:46:49.000 Yeah, we were broke, man.

02:46:51.000 That's Burt.

02:46:52.000 That's Burt.

02:46:53.000 I like to roll the dice.

02:46:55.000 Yeah, yeah.

02:46:56.000 You don't become a comedian if you don't like rolling the dice, man.

02:46:59.000 I don't think so.

02:46:59.000 You gotta be crazy.

02:47:00.000 You're a comic.

02:47:01.000 You gotta be crazy.

02:47:02.000 You have to be.

02:47:02.000 You have to be a little crazy.

02:47:03.000 And if you're not crazy, I don't know if I want to know you.

02:47:07.000 Meaning like...

02:47:08.000 Speaking of books, did you guys read any during the Sober October?

02:47:11.000 Oh, dude, so many good books.

02:47:13.000 You didn't do any of that, did you?

02:47:14.000 Dude, I fucking read like five.

02:47:16.000 You didn't do it.

02:47:17.000 I did.

02:47:18.000 You did it?

02:47:19.000 I started reading three books.

02:47:21.000 Okay.

02:47:22.000 I went all audio.

02:47:23.000 I started reading, and I'm like, I don't have time for this.

02:47:26.000 It's never going to happen.

02:47:27.000 And then I said, whatever it is, I'm going to have to pay a fine.

02:47:31.000 500, I realized immediately was like, oh, this isn't just like, okay, and also read 500 pages.

02:47:36.000 That number should have been 200. Mm-hmm.

02:47:38.000 No, it should have been 500. We should have had a penalty if you didn't do it.

02:47:41.000 That should have been the whole thing, is 500 pages.

02:47:44.000 If we had a penalty.

02:47:45.000 I was thinking to myself, I just don't have the fucking time.

02:47:48.000 You have to really commit to reading books.

02:47:50.000 I had to really work hard.

02:47:51.000 I think I'm the only one who did it.

02:47:52.000 You did it?

02:47:53.000 Yeah.

02:47:54.000 You did it?

02:47:54.000 Yeah.

02:47:55.000 But my classes weren't like, I didn't make fucking, you know, fucking...

02:48:00.000 Con's Film Festival classes.

02:48:02.000 Bro, the classes were the best thing about Sober October.

02:48:05.000 The fucking gun shooting was the fun as shit.

02:48:06.000 Taron.

02:48:07.000 Taron Tactical?

02:48:08.000 Taron Tactical, man.

02:48:09.000 That was awesome.

02:48:10.000 That dude's awesome.

02:48:10.000 That was really fun.

02:48:11.000 Yeah, that whole setup is amazing.

02:48:13.000 Like, learning how to really shoot correctly.

02:48:16.000 That looked cool.

02:48:17.000 That was really great.

02:48:18.000 How long are you in town for?

02:48:19.000 The night.

02:48:20.000 Oh, okay.

02:48:21.000 Do you leave tomorrow?

02:48:22.000 When are you back?

02:48:24.000 I don't know.

02:48:25.000 Why don't you jet set back and forth like a fucking international man of mystery that you are?

02:48:30.000 I'm going to come more often.

02:48:31.000 I do want to do your Spanish podcast, Tom.

02:48:35.000 Bang, bang.

02:48:36.000 I want to try to get by on that.

02:48:39.000 I'm going to try it four or five times a year.

02:48:42.000 We're shooting bang, bang, bang, bang.

02:48:43.000 It looks cool as shit.

02:48:44.000 It's fun, man.

02:48:45.000 It was funny shit.

02:48:46.000 Was it really?

02:48:47.000 It was really funny shit.

02:48:48.000 It's really fun.

02:48:48.000 Bang, bang.

02:48:49.000 Bang, bang.

02:48:49.000 They didn't hit you with anything like a child crossing the street kind of thing?

02:48:53.000 Jesus Christ.

02:48:55.000 You had to hit everything.

02:48:56.000 Yeah, well, it's all metal.

02:48:57.000 You're just shooting at metal.

02:48:58.000 Taren's so sick, man.

02:49:00.000 I'm not saying that.

02:49:00.000 I'm saying like in Please Academy, there were these things like, don't shoot that, do shoot this.

02:49:04.000 Something would pop up, but that's advanced stuff, man.

02:49:07.000 We're babies.

02:49:08.000 It's really cool.

02:49:09.000 It looked cool.

02:49:09.000 That place almost burned down.

02:49:11.000 I know.

02:49:11.000 It got real close.

02:49:12.000 Real close.

02:49:12.000 The fire got right up at the doorway there.

02:49:15.000 Yeah, but that place is...

02:49:16.000 That's an experience, man.

02:49:18.000 You should do it.

02:49:19.000 That is really cool.

02:49:20.000 That's one of those...

02:49:21.000 Bert did it.

02:49:21.000 There's a few times where I wish...

02:49:22.000 You loved it, right?

02:49:22.000 I wish I still lived in LA when you guys were doing fun shit like that.

02:49:26.000 I'm like, ah, I wish I was there.

02:49:26.000 You should have a place out here, man.

02:49:28.000 You should do both.

02:49:28.000 It's not a question of place.

02:49:29.000 It's on the road and also...

02:49:31.000 Come on.

02:49:35.000 Tons of stand-up spots.

02:49:37.000 Yeah, but you know what?

02:49:39.000 You come out with us, Ari.

02:49:41.000 Bro, you can have tons of stand-up spots out here.

02:49:43.000 Are we friends together?

02:49:45.000 Yeah.

02:49:45.000 Okay, good.

02:49:48.000 Oh, yeah.

02:49:49.000 I forgot you drugged him.

02:49:50.000 I forgot that.

02:49:54.000 Dude, I'll tell you right now.

02:49:55.000 Is your wife over it?

02:49:56.000 No.

02:49:57.000 My kids aren't over it either.

02:49:58.000 That really breaks my heart.

02:50:00.000 Your kids aren't?

02:50:01.000 That's what really breaks my heart.

02:50:02.000 You should buy them stuff.

02:50:03.000 You should buy them stuff.

02:50:05.000 No, no, no.

02:50:05.000 Let it breathe until one day they find you're funny and they're like...

02:50:09.000 That might not happen.

02:50:10.000 You should buy them stuff.

02:50:12.000 Buy them something cool.

02:50:13.000 I told Joe in the green room, I decided to forgive Ari so that the people I hate know how much I really hate them.

02:50:20.000 Ooh, I like that.

02:50:21.000 That was a good one.

02:50:22.000 I like what you said.

02:50:22.000 Good.

02:50:23.000 Do stuff out of spite.

02:50:24.000 No.

02:50:24.000 Yeah, but it's like to let people know.

02:50:26.000 Like, this guy drugged me in front of my kids, and I still forgive him.

02:50:29.000 What in front of your kids?

02:50:30.000 What do you mean in front of your kids?

02:50:31.000 That's not a part that mattered.

02:50:32.000 Let's not talk about it.

02:50:33.000 If you have kids, it's a part.

02:50:35.000 Yeah, we're good.

02:50:35.000 A person with no kids doesn't understand that.

02:50:37.000 I had to come to a moment.

02:50:38.000 I had a spiritual healer come to my house to clear my energy.

02:50:42.000 I talked to Tom about it.

02:50:43.000 And she cleared our new house for all its bad energy.

02:50:49.000 And then she said, I see some darkness in you.

02:50:52.000 Oh boy.

02:50:52.000 I told Joe about it.

02:50:53.000 I was dealing with darkness in my head about just OCD shit.

02:50:57.000 And I went, alright, fuck, what is it?

02:50:59.000 And she picked you out in a heartbeat and I went, I am not, I haven't forgiven her yet.

02:51:04.000 She probably listens to the podcast.

02:51:05.000 No, I know.

02:51:05.000 I called you and was like, I'm over it.

02:51:06.000 And then I'm like, you're still not over it.

02:51:08.000 I wasn't over it.

02:51:08.000 Do you know any spiritual healers listen to this podcast?

02:51:11.000 A lot.

02:51:12.000 So what?

02:51:13.000 She said Aerie Schaefer and he was like, yes.

02:51:15.000 It's Aerie Schaefer.

02:51:18.000 Did you do something to burnt Chrysler?

02:51:20.000 She said it's...

02:51:22.000 If you...

02:51:24.000 I'm forgetting the exact words.

02:51:26.000 I know because I'm a little strokey.

02:51:28.000 But, uh...

02:51:30.000 Something about bringing Jay Moore up.

02:51:32.000 It was about...

02:51:33.000 A little fuse.

02:51:34.000 I'm going to have to deal with that tomorrow.

02:51:36.000 Fuck you!

02:51:39.000 It was...

02:51:40.000 It was what?

02:51:44.000 It was...

02:51:45.000 If you love him, you've got to help fix his karma.

02:51:50.000 This bad karma for him.

02:51:51.000 And I thought...

02:51:52.000 I do.

02:51:53.000 I can't write you off.

02:51:55.000 I couldn't think straight.

02:51:57.000 Every time I was on a hike, my girlfriend was like, what?

02:51:59.000 I'm like, I'm my friend.

02:52:02.000 I'm still not friends with him.

02:52:03.000 It's fucking hard.

02:52:06.000 She said, you've got to fix his karma if you care about him.

02:52:10.000 And I was like, I do.

02:52:11.000 I can't not have conversations with him.

02:52:12.000 Your conversations are too important to me.

02:52:15.000 Seeing you in New York, when I go to New York and spending time with you is too important to me.

02:52:19.000 And I know you.

02:52:20.000 I know you so well.

02:52:21.000 And I know that you're...

02:52:23.000 I said to someone, I think I may have said to Tom, I said, he's a great guy.

02:52:27.000 He's just a bad person.

02:52:28.000 Yeah.

02:52:29.000 I'll take that.

02:52:30.000 I don't know what that means.

02:52:31.000 I'll take it.

02:52:32.000 And it's like, he didn't...

02:52:34.000 And he was like, you didn't mean to...

02:52:37.000 You never meant to hurt me at all.

02:52:39.000 And I was like...

02:52:40.000 And I talked to Joe and Tom about this ad nauseum.

02:52:43.000 But I was like, I can't...

02:52:45.000 I can't...

02:52:45.000 Man, I'm not in a place to look for new fucking friends.

02:52:48.000 I got him.

02:52:49.000 He's one of my friends.

02:52:49.000 You know one thing that's beautiful about this?

02:52:52.000 We're here in 2019. In any other business.

02:52:56.000 If you drugged a peer...

02:52:58.000 And you did so publicly.

02:53:00.000 And that it was discussed publicly.

02:53:02.000 And yet, you were on my podcast, two weeks later, we were howling about it.

02:53:09.000 We got high!

02:53:10.000 We were smoking weed and just laughing about the fact that you drugged him.

02:53:13.000 It was hard because it was serious, but it was also super not serious at the same time.

02:53:17.000 We were having a good time.

02:53:18.000 We were having a good time talking about it.

02:53:19.000 And then we were also talking about how no one's kicked you out of the comedy community.

02:53:23.000 It was never even a thought.

02:53:24.000 There's not a second where you're not getting booked anywhere.

02:53:27.000 Not a second where you're ostracized.

02:53:30.000 It's like this is the last frontier for savages.

02:53:34.000 This is the last frontier for people that are doing wild, crazy, stupid shit.

02:53:40.000 And that is one of the wildest, craziest, stupidest fucking things you can do is drug someone when they don't know you're drugging them.

02:53:46.000 It's like a fucking...

02:53:47.000 It is the line-stepping of all line-stepping.

02:53:50.000 And we're like, ah!

02:53:51.000 I thought I had the lines worked out.

02:53:54.000 Joey Diaz had the funniest fucking take on it.

02:53:56.000 Joey Diaz called me up.

02:53:57.000 He goes, listen to me.

02:53:58.000 This fucking Bert and Ari thing.

02:54:00.000 He goes, Ari's family.

02:54:02.000 He goes, he's here.

02:54:03.000 He's here.

02:54:04.000 He's not going anywhere.

02:54:05.000 We're not getting rid of him.

02:54:06.000 I go, we're not getting rid of him.

02:54:08.000 He goes, exactly.

02:54:09.000 I go, I'm not saying we are.

02:54:10.000 He goes, I know you're not.

02:54:12.000 I go, okay.

02:54:13.000 And he goes, look, he fucked up.

02:54:14.000 I go, okay.

02:54:15.000 He fucked up.

02:54:16.000 I'm not saying anything.

02:54:17.000 Joey's like arguing.

02:54:18.000 He calls you up.

02:54:20.000 He'll call you up arguing.

02:54:21.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

02:54:22.000 Like he's arguing with somebody else.

02:54:24.000 Right away.

02:54:25.000 We're fucking, he's family.

02:54:26.000 Out of the gate.

02:54:27.000 I'm like, I definitely agree with you.

02:54:28.000 I'm like, I'm not arguing here.

02:54:30.000 He called me like two days after and he's like, I just answered the phone and he goes, you gotta forgive him.

02:54:36.000 I didn't say a word.

02:54:38.000 And I was like, I'm going through some shit right now.

02:54:40.000 Go through your shit, cocksucker.

02:54:42.000 Do what you gotta do.

02:54:43.000 You gotta forgive him.

02:54:45.000 He's a good guy.

02:54:45.000 You know that.

02:54:46.000 You know that.

02:54:46.000 Now he's got a bit about it.

02:54:48.000 It was killer.

02:54:51.000 It's killer.

02:54:52.000 It's killer.

02:54:53.000 I thought we might...

02:54:57.000 I thought...

02:54:57.000 I was like, oh, we're going to do this podcast.

02:55:00.000 I was like, I thought we might talk about this.

02:55:02.000 I kind of wrote down some feelings.

02:55:03.000 Oh, boy.

02:55:04.000 You're lying right now.

02:55:05.000 I'm not.

02:55:06.000 You're so lying.

02:55:07.000 I'm not.

02:55:07.000 No, he's not.

02:55:08.000 Also, I smuggled some fruit in.

02:55:10.000 A felony.

02:55:11.000 Ew.

02:55:11.000 If you guys want some grenadillas.

02:55:12.000 Don't say that.

02:55:13.000 Grenadillas.

02:55:14.000 Don't tell anybody.

02:55:14.000 Don't show the fruit.

02:55:15.000 Okay.

02:55:16.000 That's a lie.

02:55:16.000 We're just joking, folks.

02:55:19.000 Any DEA agents, or who would it be?

02:55:22.000 Oh, shit.

02:55:23.000 Agriculture?

02:55:24.000 Yeah.

02:55:25.000 Agriculture people.

02:55:27.000 If you tell me they're all in Spanish, I'm going to fucking jump over this table.

02:55:30.000 Can you play the Hulk music?

02:55:31.000 It's all in Spanish.

02:55:32.000 Can you play this theme of the Hulk?

02:55:34.000 How are you in Spanish?

02:55:35.000 Can you translate?

02:55:36.000 I gotta pee, man.

02:55:37.000 What?

02:55:38.000 You gotta pee?

02:55:38.000 I gotta pee.

02:55:38.000 Go ahead.

02:55:40.000 Okay.

02:55:42.000 Okay, read it over Brent.

02:55:45.000 My dearest Brent.

02:55:48.000 You're a fucking cunt.

02:55:53.000 Can you just let him read what you wrote and translate it?

02:56:01.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

02:56:01.000 Better move.

02:56:02.000 Better move.

02:56:02.000 We can do that.

02:56:03.000 I double spaced it.

02:56:04.000 Good call.

02:56:05.000 I might have had a spelling or two so you might have like...

02:56:12.000 Oh, fuck me.

02:56:14.000 What is it?

02:56:14.000 Before this goes viral, can I just mention the Birdie Boy World Tour?

02:56:17.000 It says, uh, alright, dear Brent, uh, what's important?

02:56:23.000 Our friendship is important.

02:56:25.000 Um, friendship is more important now that Tom is occupied with the fried pizza.

02:56:39.000 This is as important to me as Tom is with deep fried pizza.

02:56:41.000 With deep fried pizza, great.

02:56:45.000 It's more important to me than...

02:56:46.000 Add that fruit.

02:56:48.000 Don't show it on camera.

02:56:49.000 That's a felony.

02:56:51.000 More important to me than Joe's obsession with killing animals.

02:57:00.000 Killing defenseless animals in the woods.

02:57:03.000 Defenseless animals.

02:57:03.000 They have horns.

02:57:04.000 Beautiful animals in the woods.

02:57:05.000 They're going to fuck you up with those horns.

02:57:07.000 More...

02:57:08.000 Alright, there you go.

02:57:10.000 There you go.

02:57:12.000 Let's see if I can remember this.

02:57:14.000 Just speak from the heart.

02:57:15.000 Okay.

02:57:16.000 Just say it.

02:57:17.000 You don't have to read it.

02:57:18.000 Just tell him how you feel.

02:57:19.000 Friendship is more important to me than anything.

02:57:21.000 Even more important than Tom is deep fried pizza.

02:57:26.000 More important than Joe is killing animals.

02:57:31.000 More important than...

02:57:36.000 Oh, some of this is really mean.

02:57:38.000 Don't do that.

02:57:42.000 Just put that down and tell me sorry.

02:57:45.000 But I wrote some funny stuff.

02:57:47.000 Oh, okay.

02:57:47.000 Okay.

02:57:50.000 Friendship is more important to me than Eliza's...

02:57:53.000 Oh, wow.

02:57:56.000 Don't do this.

02:57:57.000 Don't do this.

02:57:58.000 I would not read that.

02:58:02.000 Let your friends tell you.

02:58:03.000 Don't do this.

02:58:04.000 We're your friends.

02:58:06.000 We love you.

02:58:07.000 We love you.

02:58:07.000 Listen, look at the face of Brody.

02:58:10.000 I wrote one funny...

02:58:12.000 Living without you would be worse than Tony Hinchcliffe living without the mural above his bed of him blowing Joe Rogan as Jeff Ross fucks him in the ass.

02:58:23.000 I don't think he has that.

02:58:25.000 He does have that.

02:58:25.000 I've seen it in his apartment.

02:58:27.000 Who painted it?

02:58:28.000 So you read this in Spanish and you pulled the plug.

02:58:33.000 I saw what was coming up.

02:58:37.000 Hey, let me tell you something.

02:58:39.000 I'll tell you this right now.

02:58:40.000 I didn't know all the fallback was going to happen.

02:58:41.000 The point is, all I wanted to do was, I like playing pranks.

02:58:44.000 I will do what you said, Joe.

02:58:46.000 It's just speaking from the heart.

02:58:47.000 I like playing pranks.

02:58:48.000 I like doing fun stuff.

02:58:49.000 And I thought, the same thing I did with Luis Gomez, where he had this great announcement for Skank Fest and was like, I'm going to ruin that.

02:58:56.000 And I'm going to do it by promoting it.

02:58:58.000 And I thought, I'll give you what you love doing, which is great content for your fans.

02:59:01.000 I know you're never going to release that podcast, but it was...

02:59:05.000 The best podcast.

02:59:06.000 Top 20 podcasts of all time of any podcast.

02:59:10.000 And I thought, I'll give that to you.

02:59:12.000 I'll have a fun time with my friend.

02:59:14.000 I didn't know all the fallback was going to happen.

02:59:16.000 I didn't know your kids were going to come home and say, you know...

02:59:20.000 That I got raped.

02:59:21.000 That you got raped by Ari.

02:59:22.000 Which I don't know why they...

02:59:23.000 Here's what I don't know.

02:59:24.000 Why they wouldn't think you have better stamina and strength than me.

02:59:26.000 Why they wouldn't think that you would rape me.

02:59:29.000 That's a good point.

02:59:30.000 Yeah.

02:59:31.000 Kids are intuitive.

02:59:33.000 Maybe they saw something in you that I don't see.

02:59:35.000 A fanciness or something, but I don't know.

02:59:39.000 Read it.

02:59:40.000 Go back to reading it.

02:59:41.000 The point is this.

02:59:45.000 Go back to reading it!

02:59:49.000 I wanted to have fun.

02:59:50.000 I thought, I have a prank.

02:59:51.000 I thought the prank first.

02:59:53.000 I'm going to dose somebody in a podcast.

02:59:55.000 I'm going to give them acid or molly.

02:59:57.000 And I was like, who can I do it to?

02:59:59.000 You know?

02:59:59.000 I thought of Luis Gomez first, but I was like, he's an unknown.

03:00:02.000 He's worthless.

03:00:03.000 And I actually don't like him that much.

03:00:06.000 He's a good guy.

03:00:10.000 And then I thought, it has to be a good friend.

03:00:12.000 You can't do it to a semi-friend.

03:00:14.000 It has to be someone who parties.

03:00:16.000 So it can't be these two faggots.

03:00:18.000 You know?

03:00:21.000 And then it hit me, the fucking, the machine.

03:00:24.000 I know the machine.

03:00:25.000 So I was like, I will do that with Bert.

03:00:28.000 That was my thought.

03:00:29.000 And I know people are telling you that I thought you were weak.

03:00:31.000 That's the furthest thing from the truth.

03:00:32.000 I thought you were fun.

03:00:34.000 If you've forgiven me, but I won't do this.

03:00:37.000 Sometimes people do something and they have it in their head that it's going to be okay, and they don't understand how other people are going to perceive it.

03:00:44.000 It's not that they did it with bad intentions, it's just that they fucked up.

03:00:48.000 And I didn't think about you having to fucking run interference with me against your wife.

03:00:53.000 It's like...

03:00:54.000 I'll tell you right now, the biggest thing that fucked me up about it, the biggest thing was that when it happened, I knew I was going to have to take care of you.

03:01:13.000 I knew all the implications of what was about to trickle down.

03:01:18.000 And that was the one thing where I was like, why would you make my life more complicated?

03:01:22.000 And I told you on the phone.

03:01:24.000 And by the way, no one said this other than me.

03:01:27.000 I said this to myself, and I've said this to Joe a million times.

03:01:30.000 It's that moniker of, like, you think I'm weak.

03:01:33.000 It's my biggest fucking thing of, like, people to go, in my head...

03:01:37.000 And I would go, I know Joe doesn't say that.

03:01:40.000 I know Tom doesn't say that.

03:01:41.000 And I know you don't say that.

03:01:42.000 But in that moment, I was like, is he doing what these enemies do to me?

03:01:46.000 Where he just thinks, oh, he's some fucking weak comic who just rips his shirt off.

03:01:49.000 Taking advantage of your good nature.

03:01:51.000 Right.

03:01:51.000 And that was the thing.

03:01:53.000 And when I was on the phone with you, I was in Connecticut.

03:01:55.000 I was with Shane in the car.

03:01:56.000 And I told you that.

03:01:57.000 And you said, oh, my God.

03:01:59.000 I would never think.

03:02:01.000 Because I share that with you privately.

03:02:02.000 I share it publicly now.

03:02:03.000 But I shared both of you privately.

03:02:07.000 Your response, I knew that's why you didn't do that.

03:02:10.000 And I was like, alright, I can get past this.

03:02:12.000 Which was a big thing for me to go, I can get past this.

03:02:16.000 And then it took a little bit to just go...

03:02:18.000 Still mad though.

03:02:20.000 No.

03:02:21.000 At a certain point I thought, it's just a reward.

03:02:25.000 Does Ari bring more to my life than that one stupid fucking moment?

03:02:31.000 Right?

03:02:31.000 And I said, yeah, he does.

03:02:33.000 You bring a lot to my life, Ari.

03:02:35.000 You don't know that.

03:02:36.000 I don't share that maybe enough with you, but you bring up a lot to my life.

03:02:39.000 And all you guys do.

03:02:42.000 I mean, our friendship means a lot more to me maybe than it means to you guys sometimes.

03:02:47.000 No, it means a lot to me too, man.

03:02:49.000 It does.

03:02:50.000 This podcast that we do, these regular podcasts we do, some of my favorite.

03:02:55.000 They're so fun.

03:02:56.000 Yeah, the chat thread.

03:02:57.000 Dude, I'll tell you.

03:02:58.000 The text thread's fun.

03:02:59.000 The text thread's fucking awesome.

03:03:01.000 It's great.

03:03:01.000 Oh my god.

03:03:03.000 Don't eat that.

03:03:04.000 It's illegal.

03:03:05.000 Agriculture's going to come here.

03:03:06.000 They have a helicopter.

03:03:07.000 But yeah, if we're being 100% honest.

03:03:10.000 You skipped every other word.

03:03:11.000 You're like, don't eat.

03:03:13.000 Helicopter here.

03:03:14.000 Agriculture.

03:03:16.000 Do you have a stroke too?

03:03:17.000 It is.

03:03:18.000 It's contagious.

03:03:19.000 Both of these guys were, I don't know, I have to share this, both of these guys were very, very valuable to me in that moment where I was super vulnerable.

03:03:28.000 Both of them had a moment where it was fun, and then a moment where they called me and they were concerned.

03:03:33.000 Yeah, when you told me during the podcast, when I first did the podcast, I'm like, what happened?

03:03:39.000 You're like, oh, just wait.

03:03:40.000 Like, you didn't even want to talk about it until, that's when I knew it was serious.

03:03:44.000 I still thought it was fun until it was like, and then Tom was like, what the fuck is wrong with you?

03:03:48.000 And I was like, wait, is this serious?

03:03:52.000 No other business!

03:03:54.000 If you were working in HR at a fucking network and you guys went on a Christmas party and you drugged somebody, that's the end of your fucking career, man.

03:04:03.000 First of all, free drugs.

03:04:04.000 Free drugs.

03:04:06.000 Free drugs to someone.

03:04:07.000 Yeah, but they didn't want it.

03:04:08.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

03:04:09.000 Well, I knew he was really upset about it, too, you know?

03:04:12.000 Yeah, when you told me afterwards, you're like, oh, he's really fucked up over it.

03:04:14.000 But I also wanted really badly for you guys to make up.

03:04:18.000 Yeah.

03:04:18.000 I spoke to both.

03:04:19.000 Everyone.

03:04:19.000 Both of you.

03:04:20.000 Both of you guys did.

03:04:21.000 Yeah, Tom called me and was like, hey, I saw you.

03:04:23.000 I called you every day trying to like...

03:04:25.000 You called me every day.

03:04:26.000 Every day.

03:04:27.000 You wouldn't take my call.

03:04:28.000 And Tom was like, hey, I saw you call him.

03:04:30.000 I just knew that it was wrong for me to answer because I didn't know what to say to you, and I wasn't right in the head yet.

03:04:37.000 And I was like, I'm really angry, but I'm not mad at him.

03:04:41.000 Does that make sense?

03:04:41.000 Yes.

03:04:42.000 And I was like, I feel victimized, but I know I'm not a victim.

03:04:45.000 I know that this is going to be fine.

03:04:46.000 I call Whitney.

03:04:48.000 I talked to Whitney about it.

03:04:49.000 What did she say?

03:04:52.000 Call the police?

03:04:53.000 No, no, no.

03:04:54.000 We were in the backstage of the comedy store.

03:04:57.000 Call the police, it's a felony.

03:04:58.000 I'm like, you think that's the only felony I've ever committed?

03:05:00.000 Hello?

03:05:01.000 Hey, put that down.

03:05:02.000 Don't film it.

03:05:03.000 We were in the backstage of the comedy store, or in the back bar, and we saw David Spade and Whitney when I was on High on Molly.

03:05:10.000 You were having a great time!

03:05:11.000 I was having a blast.

03:05:13.000 You saw David Spade there, and you're like, oh, I've got a great story for David Spade.

03:05:17.000 I've always been sexually attracted to him, and this is my moment.

03:05:20.000 I went over David Spade.

03:05:22.000 I can hear you say that now.

03:05:23.000 When I heard you say that on the podcast, I got mad at you.

03:05:25.000 I was like, it's so fucked up, man.

03:05:29.000 It's so fucked up.

03:05:29.000 There's so many complex moments in this where you're right.

03:05:32.000 You're totally right.

03:05:33.000 David Spade was back there and me and you were back there and I was like, I got drunk by Molly.

03:05:36.000 And then he brought it up on his show and it's like, ah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

03:05:39.000 And even the podcast, I was like, I was conflicting because I go, this is super compelling content.

03:05:46.000 You saw it during the podcast!

03:05:47.000 I definitely did.

03:05:48.000 I'm so mad at you for doing this, but I see it now.

03:05:50.000 I see it.

03:05:50.000 This is the best podcast.

03:05:52.000 But I was like, in retrospect, I was like, I can't release it.

03:05:56.000 I don't want to be the guy that people come on my show and they go, I'm going to fucking drug him in that time.

03:06:00.000 No, it's a one-time only thing.

03:06:02.000 But I talked to Whitney and Whitney was like, Whitney, oddly enough, said exactly what Joe said and said, this is really...

03:06:10.000 It's not right, man.

03:06:11.000 It's not right.

03:06:12.000 You shouldn't be drugging people in front of their kids.

03:06:15.000 She was like, I'm sorry I didn't say that to you.

03:06:18.000 In the thing, I didn't know how you felt.

03:06:20.000 And that's how Joe felt.

03:06:21.000 That's also how Tom felt.

03:06:23.000 I didn't know how I felt, so I brought all these energies of like, I got drugged, and then everything's on the table, and everyone's like, I gotta figure out your fucking emotions.

03:06:31.000 And I hadn't figured them out yet.

03:06:35.000 I gotta be honest with you, man.

03:06:36.000 When you lean on friends, and you come out of a place like that, and you go...

03:06:41.000 In a weird way, I was like, I feel a lot closer to the four of us after that, and I'm like, I'm definitely not glad it happened.

03:06:49.000 You drugged us all together.

03:06:52.000 You brought us closer.

03:06:53.000 In a metaphorical way, I did.

03:06:55.000 And the funny part is I was like, I was like...

03:06:58.000 He wanted to kill Sober October.

03:07:00.000 But now he's got to do it for the rest of his fucking life.

03:07:04.000 Because he didn't win.

03:07:06.000 We're always going to do Sober October.

03:07:08.000 No, no.

03:07:08.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

03:07:10.000 Every year, Ari.

03:07:10.000 Every fucking year.

03:07:11.000 Yeah, you kind of have to now.

03:07:12.000 You drugged him in front of his kids.

03:07:13.000 You drugged me in front of my children.

03:07:15.000 First of all, what drug?

03:07:17.000 It's MDMA. You asked him to be like so roofie.

03:07:20.000 Fucked up his brain for like weeks.

03:07:22.000 Yeah.

03:07:22.000 Do you understand that?

03:07:23.000 I'm still doing the deal with OCD shit.

03:07:24.000 Yeah.

03:07:26.000 Dude, you know what would be fucking funny?

03:07:27.000 You literally spiraled him.

03:07:28.000 And I think you could do this.

03:07:30.000 You could chloroform him.

03:07:31.000 That would be a fucking...

03:07:32.000 You can get that online.

03:07:33.000 That's a drugging.

03:07:34.000 That would be good.

03:07:34.000 That's a drugging.

03:07:35.000 That would be a good thing.

03:07:35.000 No, no, don't do that.

03:07:36.000 I will say to anyone at home doing MDMA, your friend is 5-HDP. I told Bert, but he was not in a place where he was going to trust anything I would say.

03:07:46.000 That has 5HDP in it.

03:07:48.000 5HDP will equalize your mood and I meant to bring it with me and I didn't and I fucked up hard.

03:07:53.000 I pride myself on dosing people the right way.

03:07:57.000 It's like you learn nothing.

03:07:59.000 During that podcast I remember this too.

03:08:02.000 I was like...

03:08:02.000 We were feeling, like, really good.

03:08:04.000 We were feeling really good.

03:08:05.000 I did feel really good during that podcast.

03:08:07.000 Of course.

03:08:07.000 It was a fun time.

03:08:08.000 You were on ecstasy.

03:08:09.000 We were watching Sunset over Joey Diaz's head.

03:08:12.000 Joey Diaz's head.

03:08:12.000 Bro, there's nothing more beautiful.

03:08:14.000 On my deathbed, when you get that six seconds of memories to your life, I hope I see Joey Diaz like Jesus Christ, like Buddha, just going, listen, cocksucker, if you would have had a stroke, it would have already happened.

03:08:26.000 You're going to be fine.

03:08:28.000 I didn't know you were freaking out.

03:08:30.000 You handled it like a professional.

03:08:31.000 I didn't have much of an option there, Captain!

03:08:33.000 No, but you were like...

03:08:35.000 You handled it like a pro.

03:08:37.000 That's what drugs do, is they take you over.

03:08:39.000 Yeah.

03:08:40.000 Can't wait to see...

03:08:41.000 So, are we going to do this next year?

03:08:44.000 Let's do it in January.

03:08:45.000 January?

03:08:47.000 Let's do a mid-month.

03:08:48.000 Let's do a mid-year month and do a fun...

03:08:51.000 Here's what I'm saying.

03:08:52.000 Yes, I agree with that.

03:08:53.000 It's way easier to do it, I think, in June or something.

03:08:57.000 Like a non-touring month.

03:08:58.000 Yeah, but Sober October is what we've been calling it.

03:09:01.000 We can do that in October.

03:09:02.000 I'll do it in October again as well.

03:09:04.000 I don't mind.

03:09:05.000 We could do it any time.

03:09:05.000 Do you like doing gigs as much when you can't have a little drink?

03:09:10.000 By the way, I haven't smoked pot in 16 days.

03:09:13.000 Why?

03:09:14.000 I just haven't had me in Columbia.

03:09:16.000 It sucked doing Europe without being able to just...

03:09:19.000 Yeah, there's always going to be a reason why you won't do it, but I'm saying October, Yankee playoffs games, there's things...

03:09:24.000 I love it.

03:09:25.000 You love what?

03:09:25.000 I love Sober October.

03:09:26.000 You love the month, or you love just doing it online?

03:09:28.000 I love having an excuse not to get drunk every fucking night.

03:09:31.000 Let's do that in January.

03:09:32.000 Let's stop right there.

03:09:33.000 Are you really doing that every night?

03:09:34.000 You getting drunk every night?

03:09:35.000 No, not every night, but on the road, especially...

03:09:39.000 You go to Boston.

03:09:40.000 You do a show in Boston.

03:09:41.000 Oh, you do this thing, though.

03:09:41.000 You do this thing where you invite everybody to a bar afterwards.

03:09:44.000 You're wild.

03:09:45.000 I like that.

03:09:46.000 You are wild.

03:09:47.000 You're the only one who goes out with your friends.

03:09:48.000 Tom has a general disdain for fans.

03:09:51.000 He won't touch them or look at them.

03:09:52.000 He thinks it's beneath them.

03:09:53.000 But, like, you actually go out with them.

03:09:57.000 We used to do photos with everybody after shows.

03:10:00.000 When I first started doing shows with the Ice House, you were the most generous human being.

03:10:04.000 You'd sit in line.

03:10:06.000 Guys would be like, Joe, I want to talk to you one quick second about Ice House.

03:10:08.000 I was happy to do that.

03:10:10.000 Chicago Theater.

03:10:11.000 I did Chicago Theater.

03:10:12.000 3,700 people for two shows.

03:10:13.000 They would line it up.

03:10:14.000 They would line up two levels.

03:10:15.000 Yeah, hours.

03:10:16.000 Hours of taking pictures of people.

03:10:17.000 But it got weird.

03:10:19.000 It got too weird.

03:10:20.000 And too many people just...

03:10:21.000 The podcast got to this weird, strange space where people would come to me with like 10-page letters and proposals of things that we needed to do together and they just wanted too much of you.

03:10:32.000 And I just realized I've got to step away from that.

03:10:35.000 I'm not there.

03:10:36.000 I like to name a bar, give them good business.

03:10:39.000 Well, you also like to get fucked up.

03:10:40.000 So you, after the show, want to get fucked up and party.

03:10:44.000 I'd still go out during October and hang out.

03:10:47.000 Just not drink.

03:10:48.000 I'm saying.

03:10:49.000 I would have a lot more fun with this if we did it in January.

03:10:54.000 It starts up...

03:10:55.000 I'll do it this January?

03:10:56.000 I don't give a fuck.

03:10:57.000 We could do it in January.

03:10:58.000 We don't have to do Sober October.

03:11:01.000 Okay.

03:11:02.000 We could do January.

03:11:02.000 That's for Australia, though.

03:11:04.000 That's fine.

03:11:05.000 Are we doing this, like, in a couple days?

03:11:08.000 No!

03:11:09.000 Next year!

03:11:10.000 Jesus!

03:11:12.000 January would be a lot.

03:11:14.000 October is just like, you guys don't live in New York.

03:11:16.000 My fucking Mickey Mantle brain was like, I'm in.

03:11:18.000 Let's do it if I can do it.

03:11:19.000 Let's lose weight.

03:11:20.000 Let's get 205. January is World Carnivore Month.

03:11:22.000 That's one thing that I've thought about doing.

03:11:26.000 There's a lot of people that are just eating meat.

03:11:28.000 Only meat?

03:11:28.000 Nothing but meat.

03:11:29.000 I did that once for a month.

03:11:31.000 How'd you go?

03:11:32.000 Didn't shit.

03:11:32.000 At all?

03:11:34.000 At all.

03:11:34.000 For a month?

03:11:36.000 Yeah.

03:11:36.000 I mean, the only vegetables I had were garnished, like sauteed mushrooms on top of a steak.

03:11:42.000 Did you do it on purpose?

03:11:43.000 Yeah.

03:11:43.000 Yeah?

03:11:44.000 Yeah.

03:11:44.000 You didn't shit for a month?

03:11:45.000 I shit for the first, like, week or so, and then, like, once every, like, week after that.

03:11:50.000 Jesus.

03:11:51.000 What were those shits like when they came out?

03:11:53.000 For your world carnivore...

03:11:56.000 Like they were old.

03:11:57.000 Yeah.

03:11:58.000 Like they were rotten.

03:11:59.000 Way opposite from what I got now.

03:12:00.000 Like they were dried out and rotten inside of you.

03:12:02.000 Like cadaver and fucking cancer lungs.

03:12:04.000 It was a problem.

03:12:08.000 Like cancer lungs coming out of your asshole.

03:12:11.000 Jesus, man.

03:12:12.000 I'm going to fall asleep.

03:12:13.000 Let's figure this out, wrap this up, have a drink outside.

03:12:16.000 I like that.

03:12:18.000 I will say, we can do it in January.

03:12:20.000 I'll personally have a lot more fun with it.

03:12:21.000 As a New Yorker, October is the...

03:12:24.000 Honestly, probably the best drinking month of the year, so it's extra hard for me.

03:12:27.000 But if we do it in January, it's great.

03:12:29.000 And if we have a real competition, it would be even better.

03:12:32.000 The problem with real competitions is I'm crazy.

03:12:36.000 Reading is something that you can't make videos on, but something you can actually do.

03:12:40.000 The thing I loved about what we did last October was that I felt very...

03:12:46.000 I'm untethered from the group and competition wise.

03:12:49.000 So it was fun for me.

03:12:50.000 Let's plan it out.

03:12:51.000 The classes were fun.

03:12:54.000 Separate thing.

03:12:54.000 That was the most fun.

03:12:55.000 Starting February 8th, I will be gaining weight and you guys will be losing weight.

03:13:00.000 That's the date?

03:13:02.000 February 8th will be done with my special.

03:13:04.000 Okay.

03:13:05.000 First one to pass me.

03:13:06.000 I'll weigh in every day.

03:13:07.000 I'm going to get down to 190. You'll pass me first.

03:13:12.000 You're starting at 180 basically?

03:13:14.000 I'll probably be at 175. Wait, what do you think you can get up to?

03:13:19.000 I've been up to...

03:13:21.000 I've been up to 240 before.

03:13:23.000 You have?

03:13:24.000 Pull that picture up, Jamie.

03:13:26.000 Oh, I remember that.

03:13:27.000 I remember those days.

03:13:28.000 No, no, I was in college.

03:13:30.000 No, no, you got fat.

03:13:31.000 You got fat when I knew you.

03:13:32.000 I've been like 220. You have?

03:13:34.000 Yeah, I remember.

03:13:36.000 And then he's eating candy.

03:13:37.000 She's eating candy all day.

03:13:38.000 A lot of candy.

03:13:39.000 A lot of candy.

03:13:40.000 All right.

03:13:41.000 And then he just quit eating candy.

03:13:42.000 And I was like, that motherfucker's got a willpower.

03:13:45.000 That's one thing when we did the Sober October Fitness Challenge, honestly, like legitimately, Ari was the only one I was worried about.

03:13:52.000 Why?

03:13:52.000 Because you're crazy.

03:13:54.000 Because I remember doing jiu-jitsu with you.

03:13:56.000 I just didn't want to lose.

03:13:57.000 I know, you don't like to lose.

03:13:58.000 You get very serious.

03:13:59.000 We would play pool, and even though I'm a better pool player than Ari, I would give him the 7, 8, and 9, and we would gamble.

03:14:23.000 You know it's Hanukkah.

03:14:28.000 You don't even believe in God.

03:14:29.000 You don't even believe in God.

03:14:30.000 You're an atheist.

03:14:31.000 It's nonsense.

03:14:32.000 It's nonsense.

03:14:33.000 Anyway, so we were doing jiu-jitsu, and it got fucking very serious.

03:14:38.000 Like, we were rolling together.

03:14:39.000 Like, he's really trying.

03:14:41.000 He's very competitive.

03:14:43.000 Ari's very competitive.

03:14:44.000 But, like, he's got a very strong mind.

03:14:46.000 And I was like, this motherfucker...

03:14:47.000 We're not doing anything where, like...

03:14:50.000 You have to get better at a physical skill.

03:14:54.000 It's very simple.

03:14:55.000 All you have to do is have willpower to stay at 80% of your max heart rate for a long time.

03:15:01.000 And that's all willpower.

03:15:03.000 That's really all it is.

03:15:04.000 Or if you're smart enough to distract yourself, like Ari figured out how to watch movies.

03:15:08.000 That was a big game changer in the fucking thing.

03:15:10.000 On the strap?

03:15:11.000 Yeah, once you figure out how to watch movies while you're on a treadmill or something like that.

03:15:14.000 Yeah, it was annoying to have to constantly be like working out.

03:15:19.000 Constantly working out.

03:15:19.000 That challenge part, none of us expected that to all of us to go for it.

03:15:24.000 It was so crazy.

03:15:24.000 That part off each other.

03:15:25.000 It was so crazy.

03:15:26.000 When you got the flu and then you came back from the flu and ran 13 fucking miles.

03:15:30.000 That's why we didn't do a competition this year.

03:15:33.000 We didn't do a competition because everybody's girlfriend or wives was like, no, no.

03:15:37.000 No.

03:15:38.000 Yeah.

03:15:38.000 Everybody, they're mad.

03:15:39.000 My whole family.

03:15:40.000 Yeah.

03:15:41.000 Plus, I was just crazy, man.

03:15:43.000 I was so into it.

03:15:45.000 I just, like, opened up that door.

03:15:47.000 I opened up that door that I didn't...

03:15:49.000 I hadn't opened up that door in fucking decades.

03:15:51.000 Who do you think will pass me first and wait between the two of you?

03:15:53.000 Me.

03:15:55.000 You think him, too?

03:15:58.000 Yeah.

03:16:01.000 I'll just become an obsessive compulsive about it.

03:16:06.000 It's not super fun, but I'm cool with it if I know I've got nothing to do.

03:16:10.000 I've got so much pizza.

03:16:12.000 Do it, man.

03:16:13.000 How fat are you going to get?

03:16:14.000 I mean, hopefully one of them stops me.

03:16:16.000 How great would it be if we didn't lose any weight and you just passed us?

03:16:19.000 You're 180. You have to gain 25 pounds just to get to Burt's target weight.

03:16:23.000 That's a lot of weight.

03:16:25.000 And Tom's target weight, too.

03:16:27.000 I want you to look at this.

03:16:28.000 I didn't think of it that way.

03:16:29.000 You're right.

03:16:29.000 Tom might have done something a little earlier that we'll talk about in a minute.

03:16:32.000 But there's stacks of steaks.

03:16:35.000 Wait, what?

03:16:35.000 Hold on.

03:16:36.000 The fucking phone.

03:16:37.000 25 stacks of steaks.

03:16:38.000 Hold on, Joe.

03:16:39.000 Joe.

03:16:40.000 What's going on?

03:16:42.000 Joe.

03:16:43.000 What are you talking about?

03:16:43.000 When I was in the bathroom, what the fuck happened?

03:16:46.000 I don't know.

03:16:46.000 Jamie, Jamie, what happened?

03:16:48.000 You motherfucker.

03:16:49.000 Tom, any thoughts?

03:16:49.000 You cunts.

03:16:50.000 I didn't do anything.

03:16:51.000 You saw the way in.

03:16:51.000 You walked in.

03:16:52.000 You walked in on it.

03:16:53.000 You saw the number.

03:16:54.000 Oh.

03:16:57.000 Watch the video tomorrow.

03:17:00.000 This is bullshit.

03:17:01.000 He leaned on my shoulder.

03:17:06.000 Wait, how did you know what I was going to weigh?

03:17:07.000 That's my idea.

03:17:08.000 Well, he got lucky.

03:17:10.000 You know what we're going to do for Super October this year?

03:17:12.000 I remember now.

03:17:13.000 Oh, you cunt.

03:17:15.000 I saw Tom weighing in and I went, oh, that's why I should weigh in.

03:17:18.000 He's weighing in.

03:17:19.000 You motherfuckers.

03:17:21.000 I would never do something like that.

03:17:23.000 Oh, really?

03:17:26.000 Can I tell you, today I thought to myself, I'd only cheat on my wife if I was with you on the road and you were cheating on Christina.

03:17:33.000 I was like, then I'd be cool with it.

03:17:35.000 Oh, what?

03:17:37.000 If we were both in a tour bus, you're like, Bert, let's both fuck him.

03:17:39.000 I was like, alright, Tom, we're in.

03:17:43.000 That'd be a fun podcast.

03:17:44.000 By the way, I thought you were doing the Benny Hill song.

03:17:47.000 Oh.

03:17:47.000 With Tom and I chasing two taking whores around a bus.

03:17:51.000 Benny Hill.

03:17:52.000 Who the fuck ever brings up that show anymore?

03:17:54.000 Yeah.

03:17:54.000 That's the last time you heard Benny Hill.

03:17:56.000 What was it?

03:17:56.000 How does that song go?

03:18:00.000 That's me and John chasing around two naked chicks.

03:18:03.000 He was like smacking people and girls would smack him.

03:18:06.000 It was always cute girls, right?

03:18:07.000 He was like a pervert.

03:18:09.000 That was a straight me too.

03:18:12.000 God, I forgot about that fucking show.

03:18:17.000 You just brought that up.

03:18:18.000 That's probably the first time I thought about that show in more than a decade.

03:18:22.000 Long time?

03:18:23.000 Yeah.

03:18:27.000 Rape doesn't sound that bad with this music.

03:18:29.000 Pull up a video of the Benny Hill Show, because I barely remember it.

03:18:33.000 I remember he was like a chubby English guy, right?

03:18:35.000 A lot of big expressions, right?

03:18:38.000 Hey, Ari, pour us a shot.

03:18:39.000 That's how much I trust you.

03:18:40.000 Here it is.

03:18:41.000 The Benny Hill Show.

03:18:42.000 Here he is.

03:18:43.000 I'm not going to do it ever again.

03:18:44.000 I know you won't.

03:18:45.000 I trust you.

03:18:46.000 Look at him.

03:18:48.000 Benny Hill.

03:18:49.000 Yeah, everything was like all fast and speeded up and weird.

03:18:52.000 Remember that show?

03:18:57.000 Irish people suck.

03:18:59.000 Alright, we should wrap this bitch up.

03:19:01.000 Let's do a shot while we're in the show.

03:19:02.000 Do a shot while we're in the show.

03:19:04.000 Goodbye, America.

03:19:05.000 Not a vodka.

03:19:06.000 Let's do a nice whiskey shot while we're in the show.

03:19:08.000 Oh, a real one.

03:19:09.000 Yeah.

03:19:10.000 A real one.

03:19:10.000 Do we have glasses?

03:19:12.000 Keep your eyes on...

03:19:13.000 Maybe you shouldn't pour it, if you know what I'm saying.

03:19:18.000 Do we have glasses for shots?

03:19:22.000 I got this fucking watered down...

03:19:25.000 I got this one.

03:19:28.000 Oh, yeah.

03:19:29.000 Hey, Merry Christmas, guys.

03:19:31.000 Merry Christmas, gentlemen.

03:19:32.000 Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas.

03:19:33.000 Oh, jeez.

03:19:36.000 Stupid idiot.

03:19:37.000 Shout out to...

03:19:38.000 Oh, by the way, this is the 10th anniversary of the podcast.

03:19:41.000 What?

03:19:41.000 Right?

03:19:42.000 Yeah, this is the 10th anniversary of the podcast.

03:19:44.000 No shit.

03:19:44.000 Today is.

03:19:45.000 This podcast changed stand-up.

03:19:48.000 In a lot of ways, right?

03:19:49.000 I would agree with that 100%.

03:19:50.000 Thanks, bro.

03:19:52.000 Straight from the bottle.

03:19:52.000 And podcasting.

03:19:54.000 And podcasting.

03:19:55.000 Definitely changed my life.

03:19:57.000 Changed my life.

03:19:58.000 Changed the fuck out of my life.

03:20:00.000 Gentlemen, I love you.

03:20:01.000 I love you too.

03:20:02.000 Merry Christmas.

03:20:05.000 Happy Shaka Khan.

03:20:06.000 Shaka Khanna.

03:20:07.000 Salute.

03:20:08.000 Salute.

03:20:09.000 Salute.

03:20:10.000 Jamie-san.

03:20:12.000 Alright, that's it America and the rest of the world that wishes they were America.

03:20:17.000 See ya!

03:20:18.000 Bye bye!

The Joe Rogan Experience - December 24, 2019

Joe Rogan Experience #1405 - Sober October 3 Recap

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