The Joe Rogan Experience - Joe Rogan Experience #1420

00:00:02.000 Ladies and gentlemen, Mark Norman!

00:00:06.000 Hey, hey!

00:00:06.000 Did your thing come unplugged?

00:00:08.000 No, no, I'm all good.

00:00:09.000 It just isn't as long as I hoped.

00:00:11.000 Is it?

00:00:11.000 Which I've heard before.

00:00:12.000 Ha!

00:00:13.000 No, we're good.

00:00:14.000 We're going to get new things with a box and a little wallet.

00:00:18.000 Ooh!

00:00:19.000 Yeah, we're going to make it like a real radio show.

00:00:21.000 Finally!

00:00:21.000 This thing's been slacking.

00:00:22.000 Yeah, I know.

00:00:23.000 That's what I've been saying, man.

00:00:24.000 Mm-hmm.

00:00:25.000 This little box right here that controls the volumes is just too complicated.

00:00:28.000 Nobody can figure out where the dial is for their thing.

00:00:31.000 It's prehistoric, too.

00:00:32.000 That looks aged.

00:00:33.000 Does it?

00:00:34.000 Yeah, it's a little weathered.

00:00:36.000 It's probably from all the weed smoke.

00:00:37.000 It's patina.

00:00:39.000 That's what they call it.

00:00:40.000 Patina?

00:00:41.000 Patina.

00:00:41.000 Is that in your maid?

00:00:42.000 No.

00:00:43.000 Oh.

00:00:43.000 Patina's like the surface of an old car, when it has kind of like, or maybe a knife that's been kind of like slightly rusted.

00:00:52.000 A little wear and tear.

00:00:53.000 Yes, yes.

00:00:54.000 People enjoy a patina.

00:00:55.000 Ah, yes.

00:00:56.000 Like a fine wearing of a nice object.

00:00:59.000 Like a MILF is a patina.

00:01:01.000 A little bit.

00:01:01.000 MILFs have a little bit of patina.

00:01:03.000 I like a MILF. I like a crow's foot and an old labia.

00:01:07.000 You name it.

00:01:08.000 Yeah, a girl likes to do shots.

00:01:11.000 Yeah, like a Tampa whore, you know?

00:01:13.000 Tampa!

00:01:14.000 Yeah, I was just there.

00:01:16.000 Yeah, did you do the improv with the three floors?

00:01:18.000 No, that room stinks.

00:01:19.000 I did the side splitters.

00:01:21.000 Oh, that's supposed to be a really good room.

00:01:22.000 Great room.

00:01:23.000 Mom and Pop, been there forever.

00:01:25.000 You know, Richard Jenny's photos on the wall and all that shit.

00:01:28.000 It's old school.

00:01:30.000 God, that guy, he's one of my all-time favorites.

00:01:34.000 That Tampa Improv, does it still have the three floors?

00:01:36.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:01:37.000 And the third floor is like ten seats?

00:01:39.000 Yeah, Ybor City, everybody's hammered.

00:01:41.000 It's like Bourbon Street down there.

00:01:43.000 It's not great for comedy.

00:01:43.000 Last time I was there, which is quite a while ago, I got introduced by someone who wanted to...

00:01:48.000 I want to introduce you to the local swinger community.

00:01:51.000 Oh!

00:01:53.000 The people that are really into swinging in Tampa are...

00:01:56.000 Not people anybody wants to have sex with.

00:01:59.000 They find each other and they all just...

00:02:00.000 No one gives a shit.

00:02:02.000 You fuck her.

00:02:02.000 I'll fuck her.

00:02:03.000 I'll fuck him.

00:02:04.000 You fuck me.

00:02:05.000 Did you look at them like a lineup kind of thing?

00:02:07.000 There was like 20 of them that came to the show.

00:02:10.000 Not one fuckable weirdo?

00:02:12.000 I mean, listen.

00:02:13.000 Things can get ugly when you get hammered.

00:02:15.000 Of course.

00:02:16.000 Of course.

00:02:16.000 You should see my ex.

00:02:20.000 They weren't in the best of shape.

00:02:22.000 They didn't...

00:02:23.000 They didn't seem like they were concerned about the way they looked.

00:02:26.000 Got it.

00:02:26.000 It seemed like they just got together and just fucked everybody.

00:02:30.000 Everybody fucked everybody.

00:02:31.000 See, that might be the ruse.

00:02:32.000 I think they know they're ugly.

00:02:33.000 They want to get laid.

00:02:34.000 It's a perfect crime.

00:02:36.000 Yeah.

00:02:36.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:02:37.000 So, yeah, it's a smart move.

00:02:38.000 You get into a fuck club.

00:02:39.000 Yeah.

00:02:40.000 It's happened to me a couple times.

00:02:42.000 One time, Nashville.

00:02:43.000 This one guy was driving us around all weekend.

00:02:46.000 And then Sunday, the day he was taking us to the airport...

00:02:50.000 He's like, well, it was really nice to meet you guys.

00:02:53.000 Next time you guys are here, I'd love to take you to a swingers club.

00:02:58.000 I think I was with Hinchcliffe.

00:03:00.000 And we were both like, what?

00:03:02.000 And he's like, yeah, well, that's one of the things that I do.

00:03:07.000 I'm in sort of an open relationship with my woman.

00:03:09.000 So then we started questioning him, like, do you get a chance to see the guy she's going to bang?

00:03:15.000 He goes, yeah, yeah, and I also have veto power.

00:03:19.000 Oh, wow!

00:03:20.000 But of course they want to bring you in, because he's the hero if he brings in a celeb.

00:03:24.000 Oof.

00:03:25.000 And then you get to bang the wife, they probably got headshots on the wall of all the other guys who fucked her.

00:03:30.000 He was not telling me to fucking, he's like saying, if you want to come watch, come hang out.

00:03:34.000 I think that would be worth it.

00:03:35.000 I would get some popcorn and go nuts.

00:03:39.000 Popcorn, a fucking operating mask.

00:03:41.000 Yeah.

00:03:42.000 Yeah, exactly.

00:03:43.000 Like a coronavirus Asian.

00:03:45.000 Yeah, some fucking rubber gloves you used to wash dishes with.

00:03:48.000 Like, what?

00:03:49.000 What am I doing here?

00:03:50.000 What am I touching?

00:03:51.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:03:51.000 Maybe a laser pointer just to fuck with them.

00:03:54.000 Yeah, they had.

00:03:55.000 Well, they used to have those.

00:03:56.000 I've never been to an actual sex club in L.A., but a buddy of mine has been to one.

00:04:01.000 And he said, you know, you go into this room and all these weird red light bulbs and everybody's banging everybody.

00:04:07.000 Yeah.

00:04:08.000 Well, do you ever watch those Dancing Bear videos?

00:04:11.000 No.

00:04:11.000 Oh, man, J-Mo.

00:04:13.000 Pull it up!

00:04:14.000 He's gonna get wood.

00:04:15.000 I can't pull it up.

00:04:16.000 It's called CFNM, Clothed Female Naked Male.

00:04:21.000 And it's so hot!

00:04:22.000 Because it's the woman in charge, and it's a bunch of dude strippers who come in with bear hats on, like bear masks, and they're in a speedo, and they just start dancing.

00:04:31.000 Eventually they're getting blown, they're fucking the chicken from accounting, and banging Debra from sales, and it's kind of...

00:04:38.000 Oh, mediocre looking women getting railed by these studs.

00:04:41.000 Really?

00:04:42.000 And it's great because they like it.

00:04:43.000 And they keep the masks on?

00:04:46.000 Oh, yeah.

00:04:46.000 So why do the guys keep the masks on?

00:04:48.000 Well, it's just because it's anonymous.

00:04:50.000 It's hotter.

00:04:51.000 It's just a fuck object.

00:04:53.000 Oh, right.

00:04:53.000 So the woman can flip the switch and detach and just enjoy the physical pleasure of it.

00:05:00.000 And it's like a bachelorette party or an office party or something, and it's killer.

00:05:04.000 It's always in an office setting or something.

00:05:06.000 She doesn't have to look in the eye of the man and feel shame and weirdness.

00:05:11.000 Yeah, and when the women are turned on, it's so much hotter.

00:05:15.000 All we see all day is dudes like, come on, let me fuck you.

00:05:17.000 But when the woman's taking charge, it's better.

00:05:20.000 You feel better about what you're watching.

00:05:22.000 Yeah.

00:05:23.000 They get jaded, though.

00:05:25.000 I used to know some guys from martial arts that used to do male stripping, and they get real jaded.

00:05:30.000 Oh, really?

00:05:30.000 Yeah, they get real weirded out by it after a while.

00:05:33.000 That makes sense.

00:05:34.000 Women screaming at you.

00:05:35.000 Yeah.

00:05:35.000 A lot of ladies looking to cheat on their man.

00:05:37.000 Right, right.

00:05:38.000 And maybe the first day it's fun, but after a while you're like, ah.

00:05:41.000 And then...

00:05:42.000 This is somebody's aunt.

00:05:43.000 The other thing comes is that guys want to hire them.

00:05:47.000 Guys want to hire them to strip, and then they have to make these decisions.

00:05:50.000 Like, okay, how much do I let them touch my butt?

00:05:54.000 That's it.

00:05:55.000 It's funny when gay guys around, a guy turns into like the woman.

00:05:58.000 Exactly.

00:05:58.000 He's like, hey, respect me!

00:06:00.000 Yeah.

00:06:00.000 You know?

00:06:00.000 The roles are reversed.

00:06:02.000 Well, it's...

00:06:03.000 It's all guys.

00:06:04.000 It's guys being a problem.

00:06:06.000 It's always guys.

00:06:07.000 Yeah, it's always guys being a problem.

00:06:08.000 You should see my DMs, man.

00:06:10.000 It's just ball sacks and dick jerking and gay dudes.

00:06:14.000 Like hot dudes sometimes who are just like, hey, the things I would drain your asshole and this and that.

00:06:18.000 Oh, yeah.

00:06:19.000 I find it flattering.

00:06:20.000 Why do you think they're going after you?

00:06:22.000 I think I got a Twinkie otter vibe, you know?

00:06:25.000 Otter?

00:06:25.000 That's one of those gay terms.

00:06:27.000 They got otter, bear.

00:06:28.000 I knew about bear.

00:06:30.000 Yeah, there's a bunch.

00:06:31.000 J-Mo, you know them all.

00:06:35.000 There's a whole zoo full of- What's an otter?

00:06:38.000 Otter's like a thin, medium-sized guy.

00:06:40.000 Oh, you're a medium-sized guy.

00:06:42.000 Like, the little guy would be like a twink.

00:06:44.000 I don't know what Brad Williams would be.

00:06:45.000 He'd be like a Hershey's Kiss or something.

00:06:48.000 Koala bear.

00:06:49.000 There you go!

00:06:50.000 Yeah, he does have chlamydia.

00:06:53.000 Koala bears have chlamydia?

00:06:55.000 All of them.

00:06:56.000 Yeah.

00:06:57.000 True story.

00:06:58.000 Google!

00:06:58.000 Imagine if that's where chlamydia came from.

00:07:00.000 Somebody had to fuck a koala bear.

00:07:02.000 Well, apparently we got AIDS from a monkey, so maybe koala gave us chlamyd.

00:07:05.000 Do you know where that actually comes from?

00:07:07.000 It's not from someone fucking a monkey.

00:07:09.000 A bite?

00:07:10.000 No, it was someone who hunted a monkey.

00:07:13.000 Handjob?

00:07:14.000 No, cut the monkey and cut his hand and got monkey blood in his hand while he was butchering a monkey.

00:07:20.000 Oh, that makes more sense.

00:07:21.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:07:22.000 Because who's fucking a monkey?

00:07:24.000 David Chappelle had a bit about it.

00:07:25.000 I remember that.

00:07:26.000 100% infection rate.

00:07:27.000 100%!

00:07:28.000 Wild fucking...

00:07:30.000 That is insane.

00:07:31.000 Wild koalas have 100% infection rate of chlamydia.

00:07:35.000 For two decades, scientists have brought wild koalas into wildlife hospitals to treat their chlamydia with antibiotics.

00:07:42.000 I've had chlamydia six times in my life.

00:07:44.000 Can't we give them a penicillin shot?

00:07:46.000 Well, they'd have to go grab all of them.

00:07:48.000 Well, you know, they're...

00:07:50.000 Really in deep, deep trouble because of the wildfires in Australia.

00:07:53.000 They said that something like 80% of their habitat's been destroyed.

00:07:58.000 The fires over there are insane.

00:08:00.000 I did a benefit Sunday night with Monty Franklin, Whitney Cummings, and Jim Jeffries.

00:08:08.000 Oh, wow.

00:08:08.000 We did a benefit for the wildlife fires.

00:08:11.000 Jeffries must be getting his door knocked down with that shit.

00:08:13.000 Oh, I'm sure, yeah.

00:08:14.000 Well, Monty Franklin's Australian as well.

00:08:16.000 This was a double Australian, double American card.

00:08:19.000 Oh, boy.

00:08:20.000 Wild.

00:08:20.000 Yeah.

00:08:21.000 It was a fun show.

00:08:22.000 But when you see the devastation, it's crazy.

00:08:25.000 70% of Australia is covered in smoke.

00:08:28.000 Whoa!

00:08:29.000 70%.

00:08:30.000 And it's as big as the United States.

00:08:31.000 Ah, that's a bummer.

00:08:33.000 Yeah.

00:08:33.000 It's crazy.

00:08:34.000 And they basically have no way of stopping it.

00:08:38.000 I mean, unless the rains put it out or it burns all the way to the coast.

00:08:43.000 Yeah, it's a stupid question, but what is the money going to do?

00:08:45.000 I know it helps people who are burned.

00:08:47.000 It's for wildlife.

00:08:48.000 The money is all for wildlife.

00:08:50.000 A lot of them have been burned.

00:08:52.000 They had a little bit of a presentation.

00:08:55.000 Some of them they've rescued, and they have to put them back into suitable habitat.

00:09:02.000 The money is going to wildlife.

00:09:04.000 I mean, you're not going to fix...

00:09:06.000 The devastation by the fire in terms of the plants and the houses and stuff like that.

00:09:12.000 You can only hope those people whose homes burnt down had some sort of insurance, but how much fucking insurance money is there?

00:09:18.000 So many houses got wrecked.

00:09:20.000 What is the number now?

00:09:22.000 How many houses have been burnt to the ground in Australia currently?

00:09:26.000 Yeah, because all you hear about is the animals.

00:09:27.000 Yeah, well, it's a billion animals.

00:09:29.000 That's why.

00:09:30.000 A billion animals are dead.

00:09:32.000 Wow.

00:09:32.000 So this will be in history books.

00:09:33.000 Yeah.

00:09:33.000 Oh, yeah.

00:09:34.000 Oh, boy.

00:09:35.000 Dude, just think about a fucking billion animals are dead from a fire.

00:09:39.000 I mean, that's insane.

00:09:40.000 Yeah.

00:09:41.000 That's going to change the ecosystem.

00:09:42.000 Oh, for sure.

00:09:43.000 Though the ecosystem over there is weird anyway.

00:09:45.000 Oh, they got spiders that kill birds.

00:09:47.000 Yeah.

00:09:48.000 That's insane.

00:09:49.000 They have a bunch of shit that's not supposed to be there, too.

00:09:51.000 Oh, really?

00:09:51.000 Yeah.

00:09:52.000 So many of their animals are invasive species.

00:09:55.000 What about the aborigines?

00:09:56.000 Because they live in huts and shit, right?

00:09:58.000 Whew.

00:09:59.000 Yeah, I mean, what about them, right?

00:10:00.000 I didn't even think about that.

00:10:01.000 They're fucked.

00:10:02.000 I don't think they live in huts for the most part.

00:10:04.000 I think a lot of them live in normal communities.

00:10:07.000 You probably did.

00:10:09.000 Crocodile Dundee.

00:10:11.000 That's all I know.

00:10:12.000 That and Arch Barker.

00:10:13.000 They have so many different languages, the Aborigines do, that they could go like 20 miles away and not have any idea what those guys over there are saying.

00:10:22.000 Yeah.

00:10:23.000 Wow.

00:10:23.000 And most of those languages aren't even written down, apparently.

00:10:26.000 Really?

00:10:27.000 Yeah.

00:10:27.000 My buddy Adam Greentree is from Australia, and he runs a mining company.

00:10:32.000 And they hire a lot of the folks that are Aborigines.

00:10:36.000 And, you know, he's gotten to be very close with a lot of them and kind of gotten to know their culture and understand their culture.

00:10:41.000 It's really, really strange.

00:10:44.000 They're scattered all over the country, and so many of them have, they call them mobs, like a tribe is a mob, and they have a different language than another mob that's like 30 miles away.

00:10:57.000 Are they dangerous?

00:10:59.000 What do you mean?

00:10:59.000 Like, do they fight each other and stuff?

00:11:01.000 I don't know.

00:11:02.000 That's a good question.

00:11:03.000 Yeah, I don't know.

00:11:03.000 I went to Australia for the Melbourne Comedy Fest, and I was bummed at how not different it was.

00:11:08.000 It's not that different.

00:11:10.000 From America?

00:11:10.000 Yeah.

00:11:11.000 No, Melbourne's real close.

00:11:12.000 Right.

00:11:13.000 Fantastic food.

00:11:14.000 Great food, great place, great people.

00:11:16.000 That laugh lounge is awesome, too.

00:11:17.000 Yeah, yeah, good club.

00:11:18.000 Great club.

00:11:19.000 Great comics over there, too.

00:11:20.000 Very good.

00:11:20.000 They're into it.

00:11:21.000 Very good.

00:11:22.000 Although, they didn't like the dark stuff, I noticed.

00:11:24.000 Really?

00:11:24.000 Yeah, well, I think there's so much...

00:11:26.000 Excuse me.

00:11:28.000 There's so much...

00:11:29.000 That coffee, man.

00:11:30.000 That turmeric is going right up my asshole.

00:11:32.000 Laird Hamilton superfood.

00:11:34.000 Oh, yeah.

00:11:34.000 Love to watch him masturbate.

00:11:36.000 But yeah, the audiences there were very tense when I got dark.

00:11:41.000 Really?

00:11:42.000 I think because they have some real racial problems and they're kind of behind the times a little bit on stuff.

00:11:47.000 So I think they're like, hey, look, that shit's happening.

00:11:49.000 We're not laughing at it yet.

00:11:51.000 Oh, right, right.

00:11:53.000 Okay.

00:11:53.000 Well, you know, in the 1950s, just, I mean, not that long ago, they were actually taking Aboriginal babies from the parents and trying to raise them.

00:12:02.000 Yeah.

00:12:03.000 Well, at least that's good intent.

00:12:07.000 They should have probably asked first.

00:12:09.000 Oh, they just took them?

00:12:11.000 I don't know.

00:12:12.000 I'm not that informed, but some Australian people were trying to explain to me how the relations are very fucked up.

00:12:19.000 Right.

00:12:20.000 Wow, so the Aborigines get their babies stolen by honkies.

00:12:24.000 Mm-hmm.

00:12:25.000 I don't know.

00:12:26.000 In a weird way, the mom's got to kind of be like, well, it's a better life.

00:12:29.000 I don't think so.

00:12:30.000 They got a TV. I think she misses her mom.

00:12:32.000 Yeah, I guess you're right.

00:12:33.000 She misses her daughter.

00:12:34.000 I don't know, man.

00:12:35.000 It's not good.

00:12:37.000 Either way, donate to the chlamydia.

00:12:40.000 Yeah.

00:12:40.000 So how many houses have been burnt down?

00:12:43.000 Do they even know?

00:12:43.000 I probably don't know exactly.

00:12:46.000 I saw one thing that said in New South Wales alone there was 3,000 houses, but another thing said that that was the number.

00:12:51.000 So I don't know if it's 3,000 total or just in that area.

00:12:54.000 That's not too bad.

00:12:56.000 It could be worse.

00:12:57.000 Yeah.

00:12:57.000 Yeah, 3,000.

00:12:58.000 I mean, there were 600 last year just in Malibu.

00:13:02.000 Oh, shit.

00:13:02.000 I forgot about that.

00:13:03.000 Yeah.

00:13:04.000 Damn.

00:13:05.000 Yeah.

00:13:06.000 Oh, the fires.

00:13:07.000 Water can fuck you.

00:13:08.000 Fire can fuck you.

00:13:09.000 Everything can fuck you.

00:13:10.000 Everything can fuck you.

00:13:11.000 Yeah, it's crazy.

00:13:12.000 How long do we stop saying that's fire?

00:13:14.000 That's going to be insensitive after a while.

00:13:16.000 Yeah, everything's going to be insensitive.

00:13:18.000 Well, if we let people, let the woke brigade keep taking away words.

00:13:22.000 We'll be down to grunts and pointing at things.

00:13:24.000 Everything will be offensive.

00:13:26.000 Because if you keep progressing, something's got to stop.

00:13:29.000 Everything goes.

00:13:30.000 Everything goes, eventually.

00:13:32.000 And then even grunts and pointing at things will be offensive to people who are deaf who use sign language.

00:13:37.000 Because now you're culturally appropriating from sign language people.

00:13:40.000 I was driving here on the highway and I thought, man, the carpool lane's insensitive to lonely single people.

00:13:46.000 Like, what if you don't have a friend?

00:13:47.000 What if I don't know a guy?

00:13:48.000 You get an electric vehicle.

00:13:49.000 You can ride in the carpool lane.

00:13:50.000 Is that right?

00:13:51.000 Yes.

00:13:51.000 Ah.

00:13:52.000 There's the loophole for the losers out there.

00:13:54.000 Oh, it's one of the best reasons to have a Tesla.

00:13:57.000 Yeah.

00:13:58.000 Get that fucking left lane, baby.

00:13:59.000 So many Teslas in this town.

00:14:01.000 This is such a wacky, backwards la-la land over here.

00:14:04.000 Oh, it is.

00:14:05.000 Chipotle's got a fucking valet in L.A. Yes!

00:14:08.000 Really?

00:14:09.000 I went twice today.

00:14:10.000 Wow.

00:14:11.000 I love Chipotle.

00:14:13.000 It's wacky.

00:14:14.000 It's wacky, man.

00:14:15.000 I mean, it's so beautiful.

00:14:16.000 I was telling him, I'm pitching a show again that'll never sell, but I went to Fox a lot, and it's all these good-looking girls with their shoes kicked off, laying on a picnic table, drinking a coffee.

00:14:25.000 I'm like, you don't know what you got, whore!

00:14:27.000 This is an amazing life!

00:14:28.000 You don't have any respect and any gratefulness and appreciation.

00:14:32.000 How do you know they don't?

00:14:33.000 They're just enjoying the day.

00:14:35.000 She's going, ah, my phone is not working fast enough.

00:14:39.000 I hate her!

00:14:40.000 Fucking God!

00:14:41.000 I live in New York.

00:14:42.000 We're all up each other's ass.

00:14:43.000 There's a rat on my dick.

00:14:44.000 It's five degrees outside.

00:14:46.000 My apartment's the size of J-Mo's asshole.

00:14:48.000 I'm fucked.

00:14:49.000 Wow.

00:14:49.000 And these gals are kicking their feet up.

00:14:51.000 Who's J-Mo?

00:14:52.000 Me.

00:14:53.000 Oh, you.

00:14:54.000 Sorry.

00:14:54.000 I thought it was a new girl that I don't know about.

00:14:56.000 Oh.

00:14:57.000 Some new it lady.

00:14:59.000 Right, right.

00:14:59.000 My favorite video in New York is the rat that's killing the pigeon.

00:15:02.000 Did you ever see that video?

00:15:03.000 No, I never saw that.

00:15:04.000 I saw Pizza Rat.

00:15:05.000 Yeah, Pizza Rat ain't shit on pigeon killing rat.

00:15:08.000 The fucking rat's killing a pigeon.

00:15:10.000 Wow, it's like the woke brigade.

00:15:11.000 They're attacking each other.

00:15:12.000 Yeah, very similar.

00:15:13.000 Taking the pigeon down and attacking it.

00:15:17.000 The pigeon tries to flood away and the rat fucking chases it.

00:15:19.000 I didn't know rats were predatory.

00:15:21.000 I thought they were mostly just scavengers.

00:15:24.000 I didn't know they would actually go after a live thing and attack it and kill it.

00:15:27.000 Yeah, desperation, man.

00:15:29.000 Was it in the subway area or was it on the street?

00:15:31.000 I think it was on the street, because I don't think pigeons actually go into the subway.

00:15:35.000 That's a good point.

00:15:36.000 For the most part.

00:15:37.000 Good point.

00:15:37.000 Unless they get fucked over and they don't know how to get out.

00:15:40.000 Seen a few in an airport before.

00:15:41.000 Oh, here it is.

00:15:42.000 So here's this pigeon, and this rat is trying to walk off with this fucking pigeon.

00:15:48.000 And it's as big as him.

00:15:49.000 That's what's crazy.

00:15:50.000 Bitch-ass pigeon, though.

00:15:51.000 Like, come on, flap it up!

00:15:53.000 Well, they have some big fucking teeth, these cunty rats.

00:15:56.000 You know, they never stop...

00:15:56.000 It's got them by the neck.

00:15:57.000 Look at that.

00:15:58.000 They never stop growing rats' teeth.

00:15:59.000 Really?

00:16:00.000 Yeah, they have to keep...

00:16:01.000 That's why they're always gnawing, because they're partly filing them down.

00:16:04.000 Give it a gook!

00:16:04.000 Oh, Jesus.

00:16:05.000 I know any more animal facts than you.

00:16:07.000 I actually do remember that, now that you bring that up.

00:16:09.000 Ah, sure you do.

00:16:11.000 Nice pull there, Jojo Rabbit.

00:16:14.000 Look at this fucking thing.

00:16:16.000 And the pigeon gets away at one point, slightly right there.

00:16:19.000 But look at him.

00:16:20.000 Chase it down.

00:16:21.000 Chase like, no, no, no, bitch.

00:16:22.000 No, no, no, bitch.

00:16:23.000 Get the fuck over here.

00:16:25.000 Damn.

00:16:25.000 The pigeon's so damaged, it can't get away totally.

00:16:27.000 It can't fly.

00:16:29.000 So eventually he drags it through the hole in the fence and fucks it up.

00:16:33.000 That's the scariest when you go into their lair.

00:16:35.000 And the pigeon knows that.

00:16:36.000 He's like, I can't get off the street.

00:16:37.000 Look at it, it's mounting him.

00:16:38.000 It's got his back, a bite in the back of his head.

00:16:41.000 That's like Khabib.

00:16:42.000 Yeah, very similar.

00:16:44.000 Holy shit.

00:16:45.000 Just can't get away, he's smashing you.

00:16:47.000 I just didn't know they killed things.

00:16:49.000 Yeah.

00:16:50.000 I thought they only just ate stuff that was laying around, and I thought there was so much food in New York City, they were just running around eating everything.

00:16:57.000 They eat each other.

00:16:57.000 I do know that.

00:16:58.000 Oh, really?

00:16:59.000 I do know that because I had a trap.

00:17:01.000 I lived in Encino, and I was renting this house, and the house had a lot of rats.

00:17:05.000 And I leave my garbage in the garage and put it out in the morning, and I was seeing these rats.

00:17:12.000 So I set a trap.

00:17:14.000 Not mice, rats.

00:17:15.000 Fucking rats.

00:17:16.000 Big rats.

00:17:18.000 So I hear, snap!

00:17:19.000 Snap!

00:17:19.000 So I go out to check and there's a fat boy that's got his head crushed in this trap.

00:17:25.000 I mean, he's dead as fuck.

00:17:26.000 So I'm like, okay, I'll just get it in the morning.

00:17:28.000 I don't want to deal with that right now.

00:17:29.000 So I get up in the morning and the only thing that's left is the tail.

00:17:33.000 They ate everything.

00:17:35.000 They ate everything.

00:17:36.000 There was like the feet.

00:17:38.000 And the tail.

00:17:39.000 All the guts, the body, the spinal cord, everything.

00:17:43.000 It was just like a stain and the tail.

00:17:46.000 So rat tails are so disgusting that even rats don't eat rat tails.

00:17:49.000 There's a lesson there.

00:17:50.000 You hear that, rednecks?

00:17:51.000 Get rid of those rat tails.

00:17:54.000 I'm talking to you, Theo Vaughn.

00:17:56.000 Here's the move.

00:17:57.000 You poison a rat, then get it in the trap, then they eat the rat, then they get poisoned.

00:18:03.000 That could be something.

00:18:04.000 Yeah, you could.

00:18:05.000 But the problem with poisoning rats is a lot of times it doesn't kill them immediately, and then coyotes get it, and then they get poisoned, and then mountain lions kill the poisoned coyotes.

00:18:14.000 Or they kill the rats.

00:18:16.000 Right.

00:18:16.000 So owls also get killed by rat poison.

00:18:19.000 It's a real problem with owls.

00:18:21.000 Because a lot of people leave rat poison outside their house.

00:18:23.000 And then the rats eat the poison.

00:18:25.000 They get weakened.

00:18:26.000 Then the owl comes in and eats them.

00:18:27.000 Circle of life.

00:18:29.000 Circle of life.

00:18:30.000 Damn.

00:18:31.000 You lived in New York?

00:18:33.000 Yes.

00:18:34.000 You had mice, I'm sure.

00:18:35.000 Oh, yeah.

00:18:36.000 Yeah.

00:18:36.000 I lived in New Rochelle, though.

00:18:37.000 I never lived in the city.

00:18:39.000 I couldn't afford to live in the city when I lived up there.

00:18:41.000 It's right next to the Bronx.

00:18:42.000 Okay.

00:18:43.000 Yeah, those mice, man.

00:18:45.000 Oh, yeah.

00:18:45.000 Mice are everywhere.

00:18:46.000 They're brutal, and they really...

00:18:47.000 I'm so scared of them.

00:18:49.000 I know it's like a wussy thing, but when they're running around, I just jump up on the table.

00:18:52.000 Yeah, I can't handle it.

00:18:54.000 It's brutal.

00:18:55.000 I have to call a masculine friend to help me.

00:18:58.000 Even when they're on the trap screaming, I don't know what to do.

00:19:01.000 I take a broomstick, I stick it to the sticky trap, and then I go outside and put it in the garbage can.

00:19:05.000 While they're still alive?

00:19:06.000 Yeah.

00:19:07.000 So you let them just suffocate out there or whatever?

00:19:09.000 Yeah, yeah, that's on them.

00:19:10.000 Fuck them.

00:19:11.000 You figure it out.

00:19:13.000 It's a weird system, right?

00:19:14.000 The ecosystem of rats and mice and humans.

00:19:17.000 It's a strange thing.

00:19:19.000 There's a lot of them.

00:19:20.000 And they've killed us with the plague.

00:19:22.000 Apparently that was all rats.

00:19:23.000 Well, it's the fleas, really.

00:19:25.000 Fleas from, I think, Crimea came over on boats attached to rats, and then the rats ran through Europe and fucked everybody up.

00:19:33.000 Crimea River.

00:19:34.000 You can't help yourself.

00:19:36.000 I can't.

00:19:36.000 I'm sorry.

00:19:37.000 I love words.

00:19:39.000 Did you ever see the Netflix documentary called Rats?

00:19:41.000 No.

00:19:42.000 Oh my god, you have to.

00:19:43.000 I don't know if I want to.

00:19:44.000 You have to.

00:19:45.000 You just go, what?

00:19:47.000 First of all, they all have diseases.

00:19:49.000 Oh yeah.

00:19:49.000 All of them.

00:19:50.000 I mean, you just don't come in contact with them.

00:19:52.000 But if they bit you, you're fucked.

00:19:55.000 Most rats are fucked.

00:19:57.000 Yeah.

00:19:57.000 They did all these tests on rats in different parts of the country, too.

00:20:01.000 And New York City is...

00:20:03.000 I think they said...

00:20:04.000 It's either the number of rats is the same as the number of people that live in New York City or the biomass.

00:20:11.000 I'm not sure which one, but both of them are equally terrifying.

00:20:15.000 Yeah.

00:20:15.000 If it's the biomass, it's actually more terrifying, right?

00:20:17.000 Because it means there's so many rats that it's the same mass of bodies as there are of human beings.

00:20:23.000 But I don't think they really know.

00:20:25.000 I mean, are there any fucking surveyors down there in the subways?

00:20:28.000 How do they know?

00:20:30.000 How could you know?

00:20:30.000 Also, if you measure the weight of all human beings and all ants, it's even.

00:20:34.000 Yeah, I know that.

00:20:35.000 Oh, damn!

00:20:36.000 I thought I had you again.

00:20:37.000 No, I knew that one.

00:20:37.000 I love a fun fact.

00:20:39.000 That's a weird one, right?

00:20:40.000 Yeah.

00:20:40.000 Ants are freaky, too, man.

00:20:42.000 They said if an ant was our size, it would be faster than a Ferrari.

00:20:45.000 Whoa!

00:20:46.000 Give it a gook!

00:20:48.000 Yeah.

00:20:49.000 Callen, at one point in time, Brian Callen wanted to be, what is it, what's the type of person who studies?

00:20:55.000 Entomologist.

00:20:56.000 Entomologists?

00:20:56.000 Is that like phrases?

00:20:58.000 Right.

00:20:59.000 Etymology is words.

00:21:00.000 Entomology is study of insects.

00:21:02.000 Oh.

00:21:03.000 Yeah, and so he did some time in the jungle.

00:21:06.000 Oh.

00:21:07.000 And they'd have to put turpentine all over the posts of these platforms that the tents would be on because there were so many ants on the jungle floor that he said he was lying in bed.

00:21:19.000 You could hear the ants.

00:21:20.000 Ah!

00:21:21.000 Ah!

00:21:22.000 You can hear them walking.

00:21:23.000 In sync.

00:21:24.000 Yeah, and when they get on something, there's so many of them.

00:21:27.000 Yeah, they swarm.

00:21:28.000 They kill elephants.

00:21:29.000 Come on.

00:21:30.000 They climb up the elephant's body and go right into its ear and just start eating its brain.

00:21:34.000 Oh!

00:21:35.000 Man, what can an elephant do?

00:21:37.000 Fucking nothing.

00:21:38.000 It doesn't take it.

00:21:38.000 It doesn't have hands to move it.

00:21:39.000 It's not a goddamn thing it can do.

00:21:40.000 Unless it's really close to a giant river and it can jump in and try to drown those little cunts.

00:21:45.000 Yeah.

00:21:45.000 Oh, man.

00:21:47.000 Right?

00:21:47.000 Brutal.

00:21:48.000 Brutal.

00:21:48.000 What a way to go.

00:21:49.000 It's amazing.

00:21:49.000 We've lived as human.

00:21:50.000 How did we survive primitively?

00:21:52.000 Well, we got lucky, but then we got smart, and when we got smart, then we started overpopulating.

00:21:57.000 Yeah.

00:21:58.000 Because then we figured out all these different ways that nature was kind of keeping our bodies in check, keeping our numbers in check.

00:22:04.000 Mm-hmm.

00:22:04.000 You know, like we have systems for rats and mice and all these different things to keep them in check.

00:22:10.000 Well, nature sort of had a way to keep humans in check.

00:22:13.000 Predators, diseases, starvation, injury.

00:22:17.000 So you're saying we beat nature?

00:22:18.000 We beat nature.

00:22:19.000 Which is probably why we're so fucked up mentally, because we're not supposed to beat nature.

00:22:23.000 Well, we're a little too safe, for sure.

00:22:25.000 For sure.

00:22:26.000 We're all contained in these buildings where no predators can get assed.

00:22:29.000 We all get doughy like little fucking human water balloons.

00:22:31.000 Right, and one inkling of discomfort, and we have to fix it and work on it, bitch.

00:22:36.000 We complain.

00:22:37.000 Yeah, we're getting our jaw shaved down to look prettier.

00:22:40.000 Just digging through rats in New York.

00:22:42.000 They don't know how many there are.

00:22:43.000 There's a system of 250,000 to tens of millions.

00:22:46.000 But this is a new trap that was put out in Brooklyn.

00:22:49.000 This is a video of them, I guess, testing it.

00:22:52.000 It's an alcohol trap where they fall into this bucket of alcohol and they drown.

00:22:57.000 And here in the video, that's why I'm showing it, they open up these buckets.

00:23:01.000 Oh!

00:23:02.000 Oh!

00:23:03.000 It's filled with dead rats.

00:23:05.000 So it works.

00:23:05.000 These guys have to touch these things.

00:23:07.000 I wouldn't trust it with just little rubber gloves on.

00:23:09.000 I know, I know.

00:23:10.000 And so it's just full of dead rats.

00:23:13.000 Can we use those?

00:23:14.000 We should be able to use those for something.

00:23:16.000 For fuel.

00:23:17.000 Yeah.

00:23:17.000 Yeah, burn them to heat your house.

00:23:19.000 Might as well.

00:23:20.000 Yeah, why can't they?

00:23:21.000 Look at them.

00:23:21.000 Scoop it out.

00:23:22.000 Oh, good size.

00:23:23.000 It's a good size.

00:23:24.000 Decent.

00:23:24.000 Decent size.

00:23:26.000 Like at least feed jungle or what are you, zoo animals or something.

00:23:29.000 Right.

00:23:29.000 Like a snake.

00:23:30.000 Yeah, right?

00:23:31.000 Yeah.

00:23:31.000 Yeah, you gotta use the buffalo.

00:23:33.000 But, you know, the coronavirus, the Wuhan coronavirus, whatever it is, they think that came from snakes.

00:23:38.000 Ah!

00:23:39.000 Maybe that's what happened in China.

00:23:41.000 Maybe they fed a fucking rat to a snake, and next thing you know, Jed's a millionaire.

00:23:45.000 There you go.

00:23:46.000 Jamie actually has a conspiracy theory about that.

00:23:48.000 Do you know?

00:23:48.000 Whoa.

00:23:49.000 I didn't make this up.

00:23:50.000 I know you hate Asians.

00:23:51.000 I just read it online.

00:23:52.000 Well, I'm saying you have one.

00:23:53.000 I mean, I'm not saying that it's like you've been putting it out there.

00:23:57.000 It's like it's mine in my back pocket of conspiracy theories.

00:23:59.000 What is the conspiracy theory?

00:24:00.000 Was that there's some sort of a bioweapons thing?

00:24:04.000 Yeah, I'll Google it.

00:24:05.000 I'm so glad I never got bitten by the conspiracy bug.

00:24:08.000 A biolab for the most dangerous pathogens on earth.

00:24:14.000 Well, the Chinese have always got something cooking.

00:24:17.000 They're ahead of us.

00:24:17.000 In a lot of ways.

00:24:18.000 Every way.

00:24:19.000 Maybe comedically we got them.

00:24:21.000 Yeah, but we don't even know because we don't speak their language.

00:24:24.000 Ah, that's a good point.

00:24:25.000 Maybe their comedy is, like, because of the language structure, maybe their comedy is way better.

00:24:30.000 Well, they've got more words and letters and characters, but I've been over there to their comedy clubs in Shanghai, and they weren't great.

00:24:35.000 China built a lab to study SARS and Ebola in Wuhan, and the U.S. biosafety experts warned in 2017 that a virus could escape the facility that's become key in fighting the outbreak.

00:24:49.000 But wait a minute, what is this article from?

00:24:51.000 The Daily Mail?

00:24:51.000 I just found a place that had the best headline and a place for you to read it.

00:24:55.000 Daily Mail's a wee bit suspect, lad.

00:24:58.000 Yeah.

00:24:59.000 A wee bit suspect.

00:25:00.000 A little bit outrageous with their captions.

00:25:03.000 A little bit clickbaity.

00:25:04.000 Well, everything's clickbaity now.

00:25:06.000 They kind of have to be, man.

00:25:07.000 I mean, that's how they make money.

00:25:09.000 Sure, but where's the integrity?

00:25:10.000 How do you sleep at night?

00:25:12.000 They sleep on a pile of money.

00:25:14.000 I guess so.

00:25:15.000 This is the Chinese website for it.

00:25:16.000 Academy of Sciences, Large Research Infrastructures per User Surface Platform.

00:25:22.000 It's translated from Chinese.

00:25:23.000 Oh, I guess so.

00:25:25.000 Yeah.

00:25:25.000 Wow.

00:25:26.000 Wuhan National Biosafety Laboratory.

00:25:29.000 Look, they have an award.

00:25:30.000 Look, we have an award.

00:25:31.000 Look at that.

00:25:32.000 I love when people stand by awards.

00:25:33.000 Like, look, look, we are better.

00:25:36.000 Yeah.

00:25:36.000 Like, that's a weird picture, right?

00:25:37.000 Two people standing there holding an award.

00:25:39.000 Yeah.

00:25:40.000 Look what we won.

00:25:41.000 Right.

00:25:41.000 We're flossing.

00:25:42.000 You don't do corporate gigs anymore.

00:25:44.000 No.

00:25:45.000 Well, I did one over the holidays because I had like seven of them.

00:25:48.000 They pay amazing.

00:25:49.000 I had to wear a tuxedo.

00:25:50.000 I did a pharmaceutical awards.

00:25:52.000 I got fired within 15 minutes.

00:25:54.000 It was supposed to be three hours.

00:25:57.000 There's such queefs over there.

00:25:59.000 It's a ballroom, round tables, tuxedo, beautiful hotel in Philly.

00:26:03.000 They got me a limo out there.

00:26:05.000 Crazy money.

00:26:06.000 And I was supposed to, you know, like Ricky Gervais the whole thing.

00:26:09.000 You know, be an awards guy, present it, talk to him, have a speech.

00:26:12.000 And...

00:26:13.000 I just did my clean act, the act I used to open for Seinfeld, and a lady got offended, and it happened to be the CEO's wife.

00:26:21.000 Oh, Jesus.

00:26:21.000 And she bitched him out, and then he bitched me out, and they fired me.

00:26:24.000 Wow.

00:26:25.000 That's pay anyway?

00:26:26.000 I got paid.

00:26:27.000 When?

00:26:27.000 Yeah, but it's just disheartening.

00:26:29.000 You go, hey, twats, these jokes have worked on The Tonight Show.

00:26:32.000 What do you want?

00:26:33.000 Yeah, the Tonight Show's pretty milked.

00:26:35.000 Yes!

00:26:36.000 Squeaky!

00:26:37.000 Pretty squeaky.

00:26:38.000 Now, how far along were you?

00:26:41.000 You said 15 minutes into your act.

00:26:43.000 Were you ramping up the offensiveness?

00:26:45.000 No.

00:26:46.000 Well, I do 15 minutes of jokes out of the gate to open it, and then you do the awards for the whole thing's like two and a half hours.

00:26:52.000 And I had a stack of cards like, Trisobadibadoo wins for best whatever, muscle relaxer.

00:26:58.000 So what did the guy say to you when he fired you?

00:26:59.000 He said, my wife is offended.

00:27:01.000 How dare you?

00:27:02.000 It was offensive to women.

00:27:03.000 I did a joke about vibrators.

00:27:04.000 And he was like, you gotta get out of here.

00:27:07.000 That's offensive to women?

00:27:08.000 I know!

00:27:09.000 The joke is how the vibrator's better than me, you know?

00:27:11.000 Like, I'm the loser.

00:27:12.000 Why is that offensive?

00:27:13.000 I think she was looking for something.

00:27:15.000 And maybe they haven't fucked in six years.

00:27:17.000 It's always some deep-rooted thing.

00:27:19.000 And she's drinking, and she's on Adderall, and she's like, off with his head!

00:27:23.000 I can't do that, I'll just fire him.

00:27:24.000 Exactly, and firing me is a fun power move.

00:27:27.000 It gets you ramped up, look what I can do, look at the power I wield.

00:27:31.000 Right, and then she tells all her friends, you know, I fired the comedian.

00:27:33.000 Exactly.

00:27:34.000 What a piece of shit he is.

00:27:35.000 Mark Norman, don't ever go to a show.

00:27:37.000 I can't tell you how many emails I got.

00:27:38.000 Hey, I thought you were funny.

00:27:40.000 When you're coming to Helium, I'm coming.

00:27:41.000 I couldn't laugh next to my boss.

00:27:43.000 And I was like, God, you idiots.

00:27:46.000 Have some balls.

00:27:47.000 Live it in that world, man.

00:27:49.000 That corporate world.

00:27:50.000 Yeah, I'm like, you're all drug dealers.

00:27:51.000 You sell drugs and you're mad at me for making a yuck-em-up?

00:27:54.000 I don't get it.

00:27:55.000 We're all backwards, priority-wise.

00:27:57.000 You make a coronavirus joke, nobody cares.

00:28:00.000 You make a Kobe joke and you're the devil.

00:28:02.000 But it's like, way more people died with corona.

00:28:05.000 I'm not saying either one is...

00:28:07.000 It's a person.

00:28:08.000 It's a person.

00:28:09.000 I guess that's what it is.

00:28:11.000 Plus, there's the cult of personality, famous person, well-loved, and then died with his daughter, and then died with six other people.

00:28:19.000 There's a lot of things.

00:28:21.000 I guess you're right.

00:28:21.000 But isn't that all fascinating?

00:28:22.000 Because your body knows immediately.

00:28:24.000 Oh, that was too far.

00:28:26.000 That's fine.

00:28:27.000 Well, wasn't that something that Stalin said, that one death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic?

00:28:32.000 Oh, I like that.

00:28:33.000 Was that Stalin?

00:28:35.000 It was Stalin or someone in World War II. I think it was Stalin.

00:28:38.000 But it's, yeah, we get lost in numbers.

00:28:41.000 Like, when someone says, like, the universe is 14 billion years old, you're like, okay...

00:28:47.000 What does that even mean?

00:28:47.000 Yeah, exactly.

00:28:48.000 I can't do that.

00:28:49.000 Right.

00:28:50.000 That's in my head, and it's just like, a bunch of zeros.

00:28:53.000 Also, Kobe was here, and China's a zillion miles away.

00:28:56.000 Right.

00:28:57.000 It's in your backyard kind of thing.

00:28:58.000 Well, here's a statistic you probably didn't know.

00:29:00.000 50 people die every year in swimming pools.

00:29:03.000 Oh.

00:29:03.000 Just in the United States.

00:29:04.000 That seems got to be more than that.

00:29:06.000 No.

00:29:06.000 50?

00:29:07.000 Yeah, we're getting better.

00:29:08.000 Come on.

00:29:09.000 5-0.

00:29:10.000 But every day.

00:29:11.000 Well, how about gun deaths?

00:29:12.000 I bet a swimming pool is more dangerous than a gun in the home.

00:29:14.000 Oh, yeah.

00:29:15.000 I don't think 50 people die every day from guns.

00:29:18.000 You said every year.

00:29:19.000 You meant every day.

00:29:19.000 Did I say every year?

00:29:20.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:29:20.000 Oh, that's what I was going to say.

00:29:22.000 I'm sorry.

00:29:22.000 50 in L.A. alone.

00:29:24.000 Yeah, I need more coffee.

00:29:25.000 Yeah, every day.

00:29:26.000 Thank you, Jamie.

00:29:27.000 50 a day.

00:29:27.000 50 a day in swimming pools.

00:29:29.000 Want to hear another good one?

00:29:30.000 Yeah.

00:29:30.000 150 people die every year because coconuts fall on their heads.

00:29:33.000 Oh, that's a cartoon.

00:29:36.000 That's classic.

00:29:37.000 You just picture that lump coming up, you know?

00:29:40.000 I think that's worldwide, though.

00:29:42.000 That's great.

00:29:43.000 I mean, how do you do the funeral for that one?

00:29:45.000 You just go, well, what are you going to do?

00:29:47.000 Yeah.

00:29:49.000 Coconuts.

00:29:50.000 Coconut will fuck you up, man.

00:29:51.000 On one of those really tall trees.

00:29:53.000 Sure.

00:29:53.000 You know, it's a big one in New York.

00:29:54.000 The AC falls on people.

00:29:56.000 Oh, Jesus Christ.

00:29:57.000 That's a big one.

00:29:57.000 That happens all the time.

00:29:59.000 Oh, fuck, man.

00:30:00.000 Yeah.

00:30:01.000 Oh, my God.

00:30:02.000 And cows kill more people than sharks a year.

00:30:06.000 Really?

00:30:06.000 Sharks are...

00:30:07.000 It's almost like black people where it's just sexier to talk about it, you know?

00:30:10.000 But the cows are actually the ones killing more people.

00:30:13.000 Cows kill more people than sharks.

00:30:15.000 Give it a goog.

00:30:17.000 The coconut thing might be an exaggerated situation.

00:30:20.000 You shut your mouth.

00:30:21.000 I'm sorry.

00:30:21.000 Shut your mouth.

00:30:22.000 There's a whole Wikipedia thing.

00:30:24.000 Yeah, I've gone through that.

00:30:25.000 Yeah, they don't really know.

00:30:26.000 Well, some days people get better at it.

00:30:28.000 They wear helmets.

00:30:28.000 They avoid the trees.

00:30:30.000 Some years.

00:30:31.000 Why not wear a helmet every day?

00:30:32.000 Well, they're probably poor and they want a coconut.

00:30:35.000 Yeah, I guess it's a good point.

00:30:36.000 If you're trying to climb a tree and the coconut just nails you halfway down and then you fall, that's a double whammy.

00:30:40.000 Good point.

00:30:41.000 Good point.

00:30:41.000 Right?

00:30:41.000 Bonk.

00:30:42.000 Yeah.

00:30:43.000 Splat.

00:30:43.000 It feels like a 70s arcade game, you know?

00:30:45.000 Have you seen those guys climb the trees?

00:30:47.000 Fuck, man.

00:30:48.000 Those guys get up high, too.

00:30:49.000 Amazing.

00:30:49.000 And they're basically just clinging.

00:30:51.000 Yeah.

00:30:51.000 And pulling themselves and clinging and pulling themselves.

00:30:54.000 Right.

00:30:54.000 I saw a video of these guys in the Amazon climbing trees, and it's like, what the fuck?

00:30:59.000 They were kids.

00:31:00.000 They were like 12-year-old kids, and they were 200 feet in the air.

00:31:03.000 Wow.

00:31:03.000 Just shimmying their way up this tree.

00:31:05.000 Like, goddamn.

00:31:06.000 Unbelievable.

00:31:07.000 I wonder if they'll evolve differently, because it's a different muscles.

00:31:10.000 Well, you know what it is?

00:31:11.000 They're feet.

00:31:12.000 Are much stronger and they look different.

00:31:15.000 Have you ever seen what happens when people walk barefoot in the jungle all the time?

00:31:19.000 Their feet spread out.

00:31:21.000 Their fingers spread out like hands.

00:31:23.000 Their feet look really weird, man.

00:31:25.000 They splay out.

00:31:26.000 Our feet are like they're in a cast because we're in shoes all the time.

00:31:31.000 But their feet actually go out in directions.

00:31:34.000 Interesting.

00:31:35.000 Their big toes point left and right, and then everything else sort of goes out when you spread your fingers.

00:31:40.000 Jamie, find me some jungle bear feet, because it's creepy.

00:31:44.000 I was taught this by my friend Steve Rinella, who went to Guyana and was hanging out with these people in the jungle, and he was like, you can't recognize their feet.

00:31:52.000 It's like, what is going on with your feet?

00:31:54.000 They're unrecognizable.

00:31:56.000 Yeah.

00:31:56.000 Because, look, that's their feet.

00:31:58.000 Look at that.

00:31:58.000 Oh, wow!

00:32:00.000 Isn't that crazy?

00:32:01.000 It's crazy.

00:32:01.000 It looks like a webbed foot, like a duck.

00:32:03.000 It says, the Amazon tribe that kills and eats monkeys.

00:32:06.000 Well, you should say all Amazon tribes that have access to monkeys, because apparently they love monkeys.

00:32:10.000 Uh-huh.

00:32:12.000 But, yeah, look at his feet, man.

00:32:14.000 But go to that one picture.

00:32:16.000 Like, look at that.

00:32:17.000 That is insane, man.

00:32:18.000 Oh, wow.

00:32:19.000 It's because they're always gripping the surface of the ground, so they develop all this strength...

00:32:25.000 And thickness.

00:32:26.000 Like, look how thick their toes are.

00:32:28.000 Right.

00:32:28.000 Doesn't that left side monkey look like it's got its dong?

00:32:31.000 It does look like its dong.

00:32:32.000 It's like perfect positioning.

00:32:34.000 It's real weird, right?

00:32:35.000 They look a lot like when you see primates, other than the primates have that little thumb.

00:32:41.000 Yeah, right.

00:32:42.000 You know what would be interesting is to cut one of them open and then cut you open.

00:32:46.000 How much more shit you would have in you?

00:32:48.000 Because you eat all this process...

00:32:50.000 I mean, you eat still pretty well, but they've never had caffeine, they've never had a drop of alcohol, never had a cigarette, never had a hamburger.

00:32:57.000 They would just be pink, I bet.

00:32:59.000 They eat a lot of monkeys, though.

00:33:00.000 Ah, that's all natural.

00:33:02.000 Yeah, I guess.

00:33:03.000 Except for the AIDS. I don't think you get AIDS from those monkeys.

00:33:06.000 Oh, okay.

00:33:07.000 I think you gotta go to Africa.

00:33:08.000 I think it's actually, I think it's chimps more than it is monkeys.

00:33:11.000 It's so weird, though, the feet thing.

00:33:13.000 That's crazy.

00:33:14.000 Yeah, there was a great Radiolab episode.

00:33:16.000 Oh, I love Radiolab.

00:33:17.000 Yeah, it's an awesome podcast, but on Patient Zero, where they were trying to figure out what How did HIV come from?

00:33:25.000 Who was the first person to get it?

00:33:27.000 And they think they narrowed it down to a hunter that had killed.

00:33:31.000 Because they do something called bushmeat in a lot of these really poor areas where they basically just shoot everything and just chop it up and whatever you can eat.

00:33:41.000 Whether it's a monkey or a giraffe or whatever the fuck you kill.

00:33:44.000 Sure.

00:33:46.000 Yeah, those are tough people.

00:33:48.000 Those naked and afraids, even.

00:33:49.000 I'm like, I don't know if I can do it.

00:33:50.000 Naked and afraid.

00:33:51.000 They can kiss my ass.

00:33:52.000 Those people probably get all kinds of crazy fucking parasites.

00:33:56.000 Yeah, bug bites and food poisoning.

00:33:58.000 They eat berries and pond water and shit.

00:34:00.000 Dickfish.

00:34:01.000 Fish that swim up your dickhole.

00:34:03.000 Do you know that that's real?

00:34:03.000 No.

00:34:04.000 Yeah, there's certain, especially in the Amazon...

00:34:08.000 If you urinate in the water in the Amazon, there's certain little tiny fish that are actually attracted to the smell and the temperature of your urine.

00:34:17.000 And they'll fly up the old pee hole and make their way into your cock.

00:34:23.000 Yikes.

00:34:23.000 Can you pee it out while it's going up?

00:34:25.000 I don't think you can.

00:34:26.000 Look at that.

00:34:26.000 Those are cockfish.

00:34:27.000 River monster.

00:34:28.000 Fish swims up your urine stream.

00:34:30.000 Look at that.

00:34:31.000 Little fucker.

00:34:32.000 Candaroo or something.

00:34:33.000 Yeah, and look, he's got teeth.

00:34:35.000 Look at him on the left-hand side, Jimmy, the mouth.

00:34:38.000 He's just chewing away.

00:34:39.000 He looks like a dick.

00:34:41.000 He's trying to blow you from the inside.

00:34:44.000 You ever hear that old Chinese torture where they get you hard, they hammer a glass spike into your dong, and then they break it.

00:34:52.000 So then you piss shattered glass.

00:34:56.000 That's a Chinese torture?

00:34:57.000 That's what I heard.

00:34:58.000 How do they get you hard?

00:35:00.000 Ah, there's ways, you know, you bring a lady in or a small boy.

00:35:04.000 You know, you do what you gotta do.

00:35:05.000 Or a pile of money.

00:35:07.000 Yeah, exactly.

00:35:09.000 So who are you voting for?

00:35:11.000 No, I'm just kidding.

00:35:13.000 I'm joking.

00:35:14.000 What a whirlwind you're in, huh?

00:35:16.000 Strange.

00:35:16.000 Strange to watch it take place because it's so obvious what it is.

00:35:20.000 I know.

00:35:21.000 They're using me to make him look bad that he supports me or that he used my endorsement.

00:35:28.000 I had no idea they were going to do that either.

00:35:30.000 The Bernie Sanders people just...

00:35:32.000 And all I said is I'm probably going to vote for him.

00:35:35.000 I said I like Tulsi Gabbard.

00:35:36.000 I really love her.

00:35:37.000 I love him.

00:35:38.000 I love Andrew Yang.

00:35:38.000 Those are the people that I think...

00:35:40.000 And look, here's a really important point.

00:35:42.000 I'm a fucking moron.

00:35:43.000 If you're basing who you're going to vote for president based on mine, like what I like, I'm not that balls deep into this stuff.

00:35:53.000 I'm not the guy.

00:35:56.000 It's very strange.

00:35:57.000 This is a little out of left field, but how much of this is based on your look?

00:36:01.000 If you weren't a muscular, bald-headed white guy, I don't know if this would be...

00:36:06.000 I bet this would be a different game.

00:36:07.000 Well, it's easy to paint me as a douchebag.

00:36:10.000 Right.

00:36:10.000 And also, what's really funny is the thing that I said in the video...

00:36:14.000 Was exactly what they did.

00:36:16.000 I said, if you just take the worst aspects of someone, take out everything else, magnify it, and you can paint them out to be a real piece of shit.

00:36:24.000 Of course.

00:36:24.000 I have 10 techs today.

00:36:25.000 But what I said is that it's hard to do that with Bernie, because he's a really consistent guy.

00:36:31.000 He's the real deal.

00:36:31.000 He was out in the front lines in the 60s with the civil rights.

00:36:35.000 Right.

00:36:35.000 Getting chained to people and Getting arrested.

00:36:38.000 Yeah, he was.

00:36:39.000 That doesn't mean he's going to be a great president.

00:36:41.000 No, of course not.

00:36:41.000 I don't know what's required to be a president.

00:36:44.000 I really don't.

00:36:44.000 And I don't understand what's required to make sure the economy functions correctly.

00:36:48.000 And also, I don't understand what's required to make the military function correctly.

00:36:52.000 No.

00:36:53.000 It's just guesswork.

00:36:54.000 I mean, maybe we're better off with Trump.

00:36:56.000 Maybe we're better off with someone else.

00:36:58.000 I don't know.

00:36:59.000 But what was fascinating to me was that These people, like fucking CNN, printed something saying that I was homophobic and transphobic.

00:37:07.000 And there's a clip that they're using that's completely out of context.

00:37:12.000 As far as trans people, some trans people listening to this, I got nothing but love for you.

00:37:18.000 For everybody.

00:37:19.000 And in fact, Eddie Izzard is one of my all-time favorite guests.

00:37:21.000 Oh, I love Izzard.

00:37:22.000 He's one of the most inspirational and brilliant people I've ever met.

00:37:26.000 I love that guy.

00:37:27.000 And he's probably one of the most public trans people and the first most public celebrities to go trans.

00:37:34.000 I don't care.

00:37:35.000 Nobody cares.

00:37:36.000 But this had to do with fighting.

00:37:38.000 This had to do with a man.

00:37:39.000 Oh, that's what it is.

00:37:39.000 This was what I was saying, and the video that they're using was me saying, you're a fucking man.

00:37:43.000 Definitely shouldn't use those words, but this is why I was upset.

00:37:46.000 There was a guy, this person was a man for 30 years, transitioned to become a woman for two years, and then started fighting women in MMA and didn't tell them that she used to be a man.

00:38:01.000 And was smashing girls.

00:38:04.000 She literally broke this girl's skull.

00:38:06.000 Like, broke her face.

00:38:08.000 And was kind of bragging about it.

00:38:10.000 Like, she was, you know, she was hyping up her MMA career, right?

00:38:13.000 Yeah.

00:38:14.000 And then people found out that she was a trans woman, and she used to be a man, and she said that she didn't have to disclose that because it was a medical procedure, and it had nothing to do, it wasn't their business.

00:38:24.000 Very shady.

00:38:25.000 I was like, bullshit.

00:38:26.000 Now, here's the thing.

00:38:27.000 If she disclosed it, and everyone knew, I'm 100% in favor of it.

00:38:32.000 If you want to do that, if you're a woman and it's your choice to fight a trans woman and see how you do, and in fact, a woman who eventually went and fought in the UFC, a girl named Ashley Evans-Smith, who's a really good fighter, UFC-caliber fighter, unlike this other woman who was the trans woman,

00:38:47.000 that trans woman was just really strong.

00:38:49.000 She wasn't the same caliber as a world-class martial artist.

00:38:52.000 Ashley Evans-Smith actually wound up beating her.

00:38:54.000 Oh, yeah?

00:38:54.000 Yes.

00:38:55.000 Oh, boy.

00:38:55.000 And then she fought in the UFC afterwards.

00:38:57.000 Uh-huh.

00:38:57.000 Can we see a photo of this gal?

00:38:59.000 It's not.

00:39:00.000 Oh, I just want to know, does it look like a dude?

00:39:03.000 A little...

00:39:04.000 They couldn't tell?

00:39:05.000 A masculine woman.

00:39:06.000 Okay.

00:39:07.000 You know?

00:39:07.000 When he was a dude, he looked like a guy.

00:39:10.000 Right.

00:39:10.000 Like a bro.

00:39:11.000 Yeah.

00:39:11.000 And then when he became a woman, he looked, you know, like a...

00:39:16.000 Yeah, definitely you could say he was a woman.

00:39:18.000 A dude lady.

00:39:18.000 But I, you know, I was like, get the fuck out of here.

00:39:20.000 You're a fucking man.

00:39:21.000 Right.

00:39:21.000 And so they take it out.

00:39:22.000 He's so transphobic.

00:39:24.000 Like, not.

00:39:24.000 I'm not.

00:39:25.000 Listen.

00:39:26.000 Yeah, you just don't want people to get hurt.

00:39:27.000 This has only to do with athletics.

00:39:29.000 That's it.

00:39:29.000 In terms of your gender identity and who you are and what you want to do, I don't care.

00:39:33.000 And specifically my wheelhouse, which is fighting.

00:39:36.000 There is a gigantic physical advantage that men have in that particular sport.

00:39:41.000 Well, we all know that when a guy hits a girl in the street.

00:39:43.000 There's a different vibe than when a girl hits a guy.

00:39:45.000 That's the problem.

00:39:46.000 That's what the fights looked like.

00:39:47.000 The fights looked like a guy hitting a girl.

00:39:49.000 Damn.

00:39:50.000 And he's also fighting people that aren't that skilled.

00:39:53.000 It's a low-level MMA promotion.

00:39:56.000 And then when it came out, there was all this outrage.

00:39:59.000 But what was really fascinating was how many people were mad at me, but didn't have an equal amount of...

00:40:06.000 They weren't equally upset that this woman was deceptive about the fact that she was trans.

00:40:12.000 It's bad for the cause.

00:40:14.000 If you're really in support of transgender people, it's very bad for the cause if you have a transgender woman that doesn't disclose she's transgender and is beating the fuck out of biological women.

00:40:24.000 And here's one of the big problems with it, ultimately.

00:40:26.000 The ones who get fucked over are biological women.

00:40:30.000 In this whole race to be woke, and including transgender women in female sports, Biological women are the ones getting fucked over.

00:40:38.000 When these trans women are winning world records and becoming world champions.

00:40:44.000 It's where the rubber meets the road between pragmatic, objective people that are analyzing all the facts and people who want to stick with a woke ideology and they don't want to hear it on the other side.

00:40:56.000 So this is the big one that people are calling me out on.

00:40:58.000 The other one is the homophobia one is like, come on, man.

00:41:01.000 Look, I have nothing but love for gay people.

00:41:03.000 Nothing but love.

00:41:05.000 I love gay people, but I make fun of them.

00:41:07.000 I make fun of me.

00:41:09.000 I make fun of my mom.

00:41:10.000 I'll make fun of you when you're here.

00:41:11.000 I'll make fun of you when you leave.

00:41:12.000 It doesn't mean I don't love them.

00:41:14.000 Like I was saying before, one of my most popular memes online is in support of gay marriage, and it says, If you hate gay marriage, it's because of one of two reasons.

00:41:24.000 Either you're dumb or you're secretly worried that dicks are delicious.

00:41:28.000 And that has been shared fucking millions of times.

00:41:30.000 In fact, I had a gay strongman in here.

00:41:32.000 I saw that.

00:41:33.000 Yeah, and he was the world's strongest gay.

00:41:36.000 And he was talking about, Rob Kearney was talking about how hilarious he thought that was.

00:41:40.000 And he had seen that.

00:41:41.000 It's one of the first exposures that he had to me.

00:41:44.000 Yeah.

00:41:44.000 Well, they're just looking for shit to pin to you.

00:41:46.000 That's all.

00:41:46.000 It's to marginalize him.

00:41:49.000 And it's also people that don't want anyone who's not woke to represent anything on the left.

00:41:55.000 If you're going to be on the left, there's a lot of people...

00:41:58.000 First of all, I should say this.

00:42:00.000 Before I say anything about the blowback, the positive side...

00:42:04.000 The support that I've gotten from people because of it has been overwhelming and really heartwarming.

00:42:08.000 From great comics and scientists and people that I've had on the podcast, Psychology Today wrote an article about how the media is gaslighting you on me.

00:42:19.000 They're trying to paint this guy out to be this monster.

00:42:22.000 Have I said stupid shit?

00:42:23.000 100%.

00:42:24.000 I've done 1,400 plus podcasts, a lot of them high.

00:42:28.000 Like a giant percentage of it.

00:42:29.000 I said a bunch of stupid shit.

00:42:30.000 I couldn't even believe why I was saying it.

00:42:32.000 I like to say inappropriate words.

00:42:34.000 I do it all the time.

00:42:35.000 Why?

00:42:35.000 Because it's fun.

00:42:36.000 Because we're comics.

00:42:37.000 But it might hurt some people.

00:42:39.000 Yeah, but some people like it.

00:42:40.000 I like saying words you're not supposed to say sometimes.

00:42:43.000 But it doesn't mean I'm homophobic or racist or sexist or misogynistic or transphobic.

00:42:49.000 These things aren't true.

00:42:50.000 I love everybody.

00:42:52.000 Literally, if you're a nice person, I will love you.

00:42:55.000 I'm cool with everybody.

00:42:56.000 The weird thing is they want it to be true.

00:42:58.000 It's not even about the justice or helping people.

00:43:00.000 It's about nailing a guy down.

00:43:02.000 It feels more vindictive and we want to hurt you than it does let's save the world.

00:43:07.000 It's more like if you go, I'm actually not.

00:43:09.000 They go, ah, whatever.

00:43:10.000 Well, there's a couple things going on.

00:43:11.000 One, this podcast has gotten way too big and it actually can influence elections.

00:43:15.000 Oh.

00:43:16.000 That's real.

00:43:16.000 Do you like that?

00:43:17.000 That's terrifying.

00:43:18.000 It's not good.

00:43:18.000 I don't think I want to have anything to do with politics after this.

00:43:20.000 No, same.

00:43:21.000 I'm sorry I asked the question.

00:43:22.000 No, but I'd rather talk to you.

00:43:23.000 Okay.

00:43:24.000 I'd rather talk to someone like you than ever talk about this shit.

00:43:27.000 And have politicians on and not know whether or not they're full of shit or not.

00:43:31.000 Congratulations.

00:43:32.000 I don't know anything about politics.

00:43:33.000 I don't follow it.

00:43:34.000 People are obsessed.

00:43:35.000 It's taking over too much time in your day.

00:43:37.000 It burns too many calories.

00:43:38.000 People get so passionate about it.

00:43:40.000 It's all changing and it's all silly.

00:43:42.000 I would love if they revamped the system and made it so there was a council of really smart people who get to decide on things.

00:43:50.000 Think tank.

00:43:50.000 Get the smartest people in here, not the most likable.

00:43:53.000 And give them at least a microdose of mushrooms before they make their decisions.

00:43:57.000 I mean, Obama hated gay marriage, but we all like him.

00:44:00.000 I don't think he hated gay marriage.

00:44:01.000 Or he was against it.

00:44:02.000 He was doing that for political reasons, because he was trying to attract a certain amount of people that were on the right.

00:44:07.000 And it's a ploy, right?

00:44:09.000 They have to play their hands carefully.

00:44:10.000 They're playing chess.

00:44:11.000 What's the difference, though?

00:44:12.000 He could have swayed the election.

00:44:14.000 I mean, he was in charge of shit, so he could make policies.

00:44:17.000 Well, Hillary Clinton didn't believe in gay marriage until 2013. There you go!

00:44:22.000 That's weird!

00:44:23.000 But it's not real.

00:44:25.000 In their world, the world of politics, they're giving up a pawn.

00:44:29.000 They're making a concession.

00:44:30.000 Right, exactly.

00:44:31.000 And so, what this is, is take me down to make Bernie look bad because Bernie dared to post one of my videos.

00:44:40.000 In the meantime, Bernie has surged to number one in the polls.

00:44:43.000 Oh, is that right?

00:44:44.000 Yes.

00:44:44.000 He's number one in the polls and number one for the first time in the betting polls.

00:44:47.000 Aha!

00:44:48.000 So it's like, look, I don't know if it's good or bad.

00:44:50.000 Well, it's like Chappelle.

00:44:51.000 Everybody hates Chappelle.

00:44:52.000 He's the transphobic guy of the year, whatever.

00:44:54.000 He's won the Grammy three years in a row for Best Comedy Album, and he just won the Mark Twain Award.

00:44:59.000 So it's like, we talk a big game and we complain and bitch and moan, but I think the real shit's out there.

00:45:05.000 Well, even more telling, when Rotten Tomatoes only let five woke critics judge his special, he had a 0% on Rotten Tomatoes.

00:45:14.000 Then, when they let the general public do it, it jumped up to 99%, which is fucking unheard of.

00:45:20.000 I know, and why does anybody go, this is weird, right?

00:45:22.000 I mean, we do it, but the people with the big voices and the loudest people are all going, what are you going to do?

00:45:27.000 They never chime in on that shit.

00:45:29.000 But right now, you are one of the loudest people.

00:45:31.000 Oh, shit!

00:45:32.000 And here's the other thing.

00:45:33.000 Those people that are the other loudest people out there are all being employed by giant companies.

00:45:39.000 Ah, is that what it is?

00:45:40.000 Now, if you're a part of a giant media company, we don't even have to say any names.

00:45:44.000 You have to make arrangements with political parties and candidates.

00:45:49.000 They will give you access to candidates, but in exchange, they would like you to run certain stories.

00:45:55.000 They would like you to cover things.

00:45:56.000 They would like you to not cover other things.

00:45:58.000 I mean, you're seeing this anti-Bernie Sanders push across the board.

00:46:02.000 Hillary Clinton just came out and said that she thinks nobody likes him.

00:46:06.000 I saw that.

00:46:07.000 She said that.

00:46:07.000 Why would you say that?

00:46:08.000 I know.

00:46:08.000 The guy campaigned for you.

00:46:10.000 What are you, an eight-year-old?

00:46:11.000 Nobody likes him.

00:46:12.000 Exactly.

00:46:12.000 And she said that he's a career politician.

00:46:16.000 What does that mean?

00:46:18.000 Were you involved in industry before this?

00:46:20.000 Did you manufacture televisions?

00:46:23.000 What did you do before?

00:46:24.000 You were a lawyer for a little bit.

00:46:26.000 Okay.

00:46:28.000 Aren't you a career politician?

00:46:29.000 Your husband's clearly a career politician.

00:46:32.000 It's a crazy thing to say.

00:46:34.000 And then, you know, there's like a lot of people that are in support of Elizabeth Warren that were trying to push the narrative that Bernie Sanders is sexist.

00:46:44.000 This helps that narrative.

00:46:45.000 Come on.

00:46:46.000 Because Elizabeth Warren was saying that.

00:46:47.000 She said that he had said to her that a woman could never be president.

00:46:50.000 Did you ever see that exchange where the two of them were on CNN? I heard about it.

00:46:54.000 I try not to watch anything.

00:46:55.000 Good for you.

00:46:56.000 So this is what it's been for me, just to watch all this play out.

00:46:59.000 This is the first time I've seen you rattled, by the way.

00:47:01.000 You're usually cool as a cucumber.

00:47:03.000 You look a little verklempt.

00:47:05.000 I just want to make sure that I say it the way I think it.

00:47:10.000 All right, get it out.

00:47:11.000 But that's why, if I look rattled.

00:47:14.000 It's okay to be rattled.

00:47:15.000 Thank you.

00:47:15.000 The positive thing has been the outpouring of support by so many people.

00:47:21.000 Overwhelming.

00:47:21.000 And then the support to negatives, the ratio is incredible.

00:47:25.000 So it's awesome.

00:47:26.000 Well, the good news is everyone who knows you likes you.

00:47:29.000 All the people who are saying shit have probably never met you or don't even listen to the pod.

00:47:34.000 Well, even listening to the podcast, you don't know me that well, but this is a part of the problem with human beings communicating through social media.

00:47:40.000 Social media is the worst way, like Twitter or something like that is the worst way to either know someone, express a feeling, or show any compassion.

00:47:48.000 Mm-hmm.

00:47:49.000 And this is one of the reasons why cancel culture is so ripe.

00:47:52.000 Right.

00:47:52.000 Because this is the best way to cancel something.

00:47:54.000 Through a tweet.

00:47:55.000 Fuck you.

00:47:55.000 Yeah.

00:47:56.000 Look at how many comics did that with Louis.

00:47:58.000 Yeah.

00:47:59.000 After the Louis C.K. thing went down, there was a bunch of comics that were like, now's my chance.

00:48:02.000 Right.

00:48:03.000 I'm going to move up the ladder.

00:48:03.000 And Tim Dillon posted this awesome Instagram post about that, like recognizing that.

00:48:08.000 Like, let's see what this is.

00:48:09.000 A lot of these people that are virtue signaling, these insanely mediocre, untalented comedians...

00:48:13.000 It tends to be.

00:48:15.000 You don't see Michelle Wolf or Michael Che and all this shit.

00:48:17.000 Exactly.

00:48:17.000 Especially when the leaked audio came out.

00:48:22.000 People are like, oh, he's leaning into it.

00:48:24.000 He's all right now.

00:48:26.000 Listen, Louis C.K. has always said the most inappropriate shit that's funny.

00:48:31.000 Go back and you guys aren't even fans.

00:48:33.000 Well, when you tweet, the remorse is much smaller.

00:48:37.000 Like canceling a guy through the computer, you're not going to feel as much guilt and shame and meanness.

00:48:42.000 You don't feel anything.

00:48:43.000 It's through a keyboard.

00:48:44.000 You don't feel anything.

00:48:45.000 I'm hoping that social media will evolve to something that somehow or another allow people to be more compassionate to each other.

00:48:53.000 And maybe we'll just understand how to use it better and understand the consequence.

00:48:56.000 Maybe when everybody gets canceled.

00:49:00.000 You can't drink and drive, but you can drink and tweet.

00:49:04.000 It's career suicide instead of auto manslaughter.

00:49:09.000 Do you know the Justine Sacco story?

00:49:11.000 Is that the AIDS chick?

00:49:12.000 Yeah, that's amazing.

00:49:14.000 She was on her way to Africa.

00:49:17.000 I think she took an Ambien and she was drinking.

00:49:19.000 And she's like, going to Africa, hope I don't get AIDS. Just kidding, I'm white, lol.

00:49:26.000 That's a good tweet.

00:49:27.000 It's a joke, a Mark Norman joke in a lot of ways.

00:49:30.000 Thank you.

00:49:30.000 It is in a lot of ways, right?

00:49:31.000 It's kind of like something that you would say as a joke.

00:49:33.000 I don't know if I'd go with the white angle, but I like it.

00:49:36.000 What would you say instead of white?

00:49:37.000 Because white people do get AIDS, so it doesn't really make sense logically.

00:49:41.000 Right, but when you're on Ambien and you're fucking liquored up.

00:49:44.000 Oh, Ambien, man.

00:49:45.000 You only have a couple minutes before the flight takes off and you lose cellular.

00:49:48.000 Yeah, yeah, you misspell a few things.

00:49:50.000 You're like, fuck, I can't go back.

00:49:52.000 I know.

00:49:53.000 It's fucking hectic when you try to get a tweet off on the runway.

00:49:56.000 I know.

00:49:57.000 It's true.

00:49:57.000 And then the whole flight, you're waiting.

00:49:59.000 You don't buy the Wi-Fi.

00:49:59.000 Headed to Cincinnati.

00:50:00.000 Buy tickets at marknorman.com.

00:50:02.000 Fuck, fuck, fuck.

00:50:02.000 I didn't spell Norman right.

00:50:03.000 Right, right.

00:50:04.000 I misspelled my own name.

00:50:06.000 The whole world would change if Twitter gave you like 10 seconds of edit time.

00:50:11.000 Yeah.

00:50:11.000 We could change the whole world.

00:50:12.000 Roseanne would be on the air.

00:50:13.000 Yeah.

00:50:14.000 Well, at the end of the day, with all this shit, my feelings about all this are it's interesting to see.

00:50:21.000 It's interesting to see the hate brigade come my way.

00:50:25.000 And it's interesting.

00:50:26.000 It's very heartwarming to see support.

00:50:28.000 But it's also, you know...

00:50:31.000 I think?

00:50:54.000 You're swinging, right?

00:50:55.000 You know how it is when we're doing this.

00:50:57.000 Of course.

00:50:57.000 Pitches are coming your way.

00:50:58.000 A lot of them are high.

00:50:59.000 You're like, I'm going in.

00:51:00.000 Yeah.

00:51:01.000 And you don't hit the ball and you're like, ah.

00:51:03.000 Last time I was here, I made eight jokes about fucking kids.

00:51:05.000 You know?

00:51:07.000 It's funny because it's so extreme.

00:51:09.000 Exactly.

00:51:09.000 Like a racist joke is funny because racism is stupid.

00:51:11.000 These people, they're grasping at straws.

00:51:14.000 They got nothing.

00:51:14.000 It's not real racism.

00:51:16.000 It's a joke.

00:51:17.000 Yeah, not hiring a guy because he's brown is racism.

00:51:20.000 Exactly.

00:51:21.000 Exactly.

00:51:21.000 Yeah, come on.

00:51:22.000 What are we doing?

00:51:23.000 Exactly.

00:51:23.000 And they just know that the word racism is going to get some eyeballs, it's going to get some shit stirring up.

00:51:42.000 Well, there might be a history of jokes, but there's no history of actual homophobia, actual transphobia, other than me calling that guy a man who beat the fuck out of women.

00:51:50.000 But I don't understand why people weren't upset that that woman, who used to be a guy, was doing that.

00:51:56.000 It's a little harsh.

00:51:57.000 I mean, her head got cracked open.

00:51:58.000 Literally.

00:51:59.000 You're worried about women.

00:51:59.000 No one cared about that woman.

00:52:01.000 Nobody wanted to interview that woman and say, hey, are you okay?

00:52:04.000 Well, that's how deep in this shit.

00:52:05.000 What does it feel like?

00:52:05.000 That's how deep in we are.

00:52:07.000 I'd rather have her head split than me get canceled.

00:52:11.000 And again...

00:52:11.000 I'm 100% for anyone who knows that that's a transgender woman fighting that woman.

00:52:17.000 Consensual.

00:52:17.000 Yes!

00:52:18.000 And here's a perfect example of it.

00:52:19.000 The former UFC featherweight champion, her name's Jermaine Durandamy, and she's a fucking assassin.

00:52:25.000 She's a beast.

00:52:26.000 She's a 10-time world Muay Thai champion.

00:52:29.000 I mean, just one of the most technical fighters in the sport.

00:52:31.000 She's super badass.

00:52:33.000 She fought a man and fucked him up.

00:52:35.000 Is that right?

00:52:35.000 You can watch it online.

00:52:36.000 She KO'd him.

00:52:37.000 Wow.

00:52:37.000 She KO'd a man with a right hand.

00:52:39.000 She's a fucking killer, man.

00:52:41.000 Was he a fighter guy?

00:52:42.000 He knew how to fight.

00:52:43.000 He was swinging.

00:52:44.000 Oh, that guy's got to hate himself.

00:52:45.000 She knew better.

00:52:46.000 Yeah.

00:52:46.000 She's a world champion.

00:52:48.000 Sure.

00:52:49.000 But look, if she wanted to do that and he wanted to do that, I'm fine.

00:52:54.000 But if he pretended he was a girl and he went in and tried to fuck her up, then I'd be like, you're an asshole.

00:52:58.000 Yeah.

00:52:59.000 That's what this is.

00:53:00.000 It's just about deception.

00:53:01.000 I'm not against trans people.

00:53:04.000 I think when you're talking about trans athletics, when Martina Navratilova, who is an outspoken lesbian, who is one of the greatest tennis players in the world, World-class tennis players, world champion,

00:53:20.000 one of the greatest of all time.

00:53:21.000 She the hot one?

00:53:22.000 No.

00:53:23.000 Okay.

00:53:23.000 When she comes out, and she did, coming out against trans athletes, competing with women, the outpouring of hate that came her way.

00:53:30.000 Oh, really?

00:53:31.000 Yes.

00:53:31.000 People are calling her transphobic and this and that.

00:53:33.000 Look, this hasn't been settled.

00:53:35.000 Right.

00:53:35.000 If you look at the actual facts, the number of world records, the number of champions, the number of people that are now trans, It's getting weird.

00:53:43.000 Yeah.

00:54:00.000 I think it's justified.

00:54:01.000 I think that's one of the ones where people are like, well, yeah, you're winning by 200 pounds.

00:54:06.000 Ah, yes.

00:54:07.000 It's like you're taking people and they lose some of their strength when they go through the transition.

00:54:13.000 They lose some of their strength when they go through estrogen therapy.

00:54:16.000 But there's, goddammit, there's a lot going on there.

00:54:18.000 There's tendon strength.

00:54:19.000 There's the size of the bones.

00:54:20.000 The hand strength.

00:54:22.000 The size of the hands.

00:54:23.000 There's the shape of the hips.

00:54:24.000 The shape of the shoulders.

00:54:25.000 There's more.

00:54:26.000 You can generate more power.

00:54:27.000 There's also a lifetime strength.

00:54:29.000 Of having testosterone running through your body.

00:54:31.000 It's almost like a woman who's taking steroids her whole life and then quits when she's 30. She's still going to have giant advantages.

00:54:38.000 Sure, but how come you don't see it the other way, do you?

00:54:41.000 You don't see it the other way.

00:54:42.000 Or the woman becoming a man and then entering a man category.

00:54:46.000 Yes, imagine.

00:54:47.000 A woman who transitions to becoming a man and then fighting in MMA. Right.

00:54:51.000 Good luck.

00:54:52.000 Good luck on Nate Diaz, you know?

00:54:53.000 Yeah.

00:54:54.000 Well, there's a woman who was a woman and then transitioned to a man who is now a boxer who is a spokesperson for, I want to say, Everlast or like Adidas, like a big company.

00:55:07.000 Mm-hmm.

00:55:08.000 Now has this transgender female to male boxer.

00:55:13.000 Which, again, I'm all in.

00:55:15.000 Look, I don't even think you have to say anything if that's the case.

00:55:17.000 There it is.

00:55:18.000 World's first transgender professional boxer is now the face of Everlast.

00:55:22.000 Yeah.

00:55:23.000 Now...

00:55:24.000 How many fights does this person have?

00:55:26.000 Wait, this was a woman?

00:55:27.000 Was a woman.

00:55:28.000 Okay.

00:55:28.000 But here's, okay, here's another problem with this.

00:55:30.000 Ready?

00:55:31.000 In order to transition, you have to take testosterone.

00:55:34.000 Ooh, so now you're taking supplements?

00:55:37.000 As a woman, Manuel was a USA national amateur boxing champion, was invited to compete in the 2012 Olympic trials.

00:55:44.000 However, a shoulder injury during Olympic qualifying changed everything.

00:55:47.000 So, how many fights?

00:55:49.000 Manuel.

00:55:50.000 Scroll back, back, back, back.

00:55:51.000 Confusing to have man in the name.

00:55:53.000 When Manuel was recovering from the injury, he decided...

00:55:57.000 Well, you can say he back then.

00:55:59.000 See, they're saying he a lot.

00:56:00.000 Okay, so you say he...

00:56:02.000 So much work.

00:56:03.000 Because he was already a he.

00:56:04.000 When he was recovering from the injury, that's when he was a girl.

00:56:08.000 But let's keep using the same name.

00:56:10.000 When Manuel was recovering from the injury, he decided to transition from female to male.

00:56:14.000 It proved to be the toughest fight of his life.

00:56:16.000 He was shunned.

00:56:18.000 Has he had any fights as a male?

00:56:20.000 Scroll up there.

00:56:23.000 Battle it all, against all odds, went his way back to the sport, become the first person competing in a professional boxing match as a transgender fighter.

00:56:30.000 On December 8th, 2018, Manuel climbed to the ring against Hugo Aguilar at a Fantasy Spring Resort Casino in Indio, California, and came out a winner.

00:56:39.000 There you go.

00:56:39.000 Six-year journey.

00:56:40.000 Oh, it won.

00:56:40.000 It's worth the wait.

00:56:41.000 There you go.

00:56:42.000 Excellent.

00:56:42.000 Congratulations to Manuel.

00:56:43.000 Look, I'm all for that, too.

00:56:45.000 And my take on that is, there's only one issue.

00:56:48.000 Uh-oh.

00:56:49.000 That issue is, Manuel, to transition, has to take testosterone.

00:56:52.000 So, how much testosterone?

00:56:55.000 And who's monitoring it?

00:56:56.000 And how often are the tests?

00:56:58.000 Because if you have, like, especially some women, particularly African-American women, have dense bones.

00:57:06.000 Really?

00:57:07.000 They have really good bone density.

00:57:08.000 Yeah, oftentimes rivaling European males.

00:57:11.000 Maybe we should segregate racially.

00:57:13.000 LOL. Well, they're just too good.

00:57:16.000 Yeah.

00:57:17.000 I don't know about that.

00:57:19.000 Black people are so good at sports.

00:57:21.000 Well, Canelo Alvarez, one of the best boxers in the world.

00:57:23.000 Pretty redhead, you know?

00:57:25.000 Oh, he's good.

00:57:26.000 Fucking awesome.

00:57:27.000 Yeah, he's really good.

00:57:27.000 Gennady Golovkin, pretty fucking awesome.

00:57:30.000 All right.

00:57:30.000 Russian.

00:57:31.000 What was that?

00:57:31.000 The white Mike Tyson guy.

00:57:33.000 He had something.

00:57:34.000 Who's that?

00:57:34.000 Who's the white Mike Tyson?

00:57:35.000 Oh, he was big.

00:57:36.000 Tommy Gunn?

00:57:36.000 Oh, no, he wasn't.

00:57:37.000 Tommy Morrison?

00:57:38.000 Wasn't he good?

00:57:38.000 Yeah, he was good.

00:57:39.000 Yeah, he was a good fighter.

00:57:40.000 Yeah, a good fighter, but he got fucked up by a lot of other, like Ray Mercer.

00:57:44.000 Did you ever see the Ray Mercer knockout?

00:57:45.000 Uh-uh.

00:57:46.000 Worst knockout in the history of the heavyweight division, I think.

00:57:49.000 Oh, wow.

00:57:49.000 Because he got caught in the ropes.

00:57:51.000 Oh!

00:57:51.000 He got caught in the ropes, and Ray Mercer, who was an Olympic gold medalist and a murderous puncher, just fucking smashing him.

00:57:58.000 Oh, that's brutal.

00:57:58.000 Just his head.

00:57:59.000 No protection at all.

00:58:00.000 He's not putting his hands up, and he's trapped.

00:58:03.000 So it's just bang, bang, bang, bang.

00:58:05.000 I can't watch that.

00:58:06.000 And he was never the same again.

00:58:07.000 But he did go on to beat George Foreman.

00:58:08.000 Beat George Foreman by decision.

00:58:10.000 Beat Donovan Razor Ruddock by stoppage.

00:58:13.000 A guy who went the distance with Mike Tyson.

00:58:14.000 There you go!

00:58:15.000 Tommy Gunn was a good fighter.

00:58:16.000 Oh yeah.

00:58:17.000 That's one for Whitey.

00:58:18.000 One for Whitey.

00:58:19.000 But that's it.

00:58:20.000 Just one.

00:58:20.000 There's a few.

00:58:21.000 We had Marciano.

00:58:22.000 What was it?

00:58:23.000 Rocky?

00:58:23.000 What's his face?

00:58:24.000 Oh, yeah.

00:58:24.000 Rocky Marciano.

00:58:24.000 And LaMotta was pretty good.

00:58:26.000 He beat Sugar Ray a few times.

00:58:27.000 Yeah, well, Vasily Lomachenko is probably one of the best pound-for-pound fighters on the planet Earth today.

00:58:32.000 And he's another one who's Russian, but Russians are different from white people.

00:58:35.000 Yeah, they're like whitey 2.0.

00:58:37.000 Yeah, they're whitey 2.0.

00:58:38.000 That's a good way to put it.

00:58:39.000 It's fucking hard people, man.

00:58:41.000 They're tough folks.

00:58:42.000 Which shows you it's not really about the skin, it's about your environment.

00:58:46.000 That's a lot of it.

00:58:47.000 And the genes.

00:58:48.000 Sure, genes, yeah.

00:58:49.000 There's certain people in, I mean, you know, there's body styles, right?

00:58:52.000 There's endomorph, ectomorph, and mesomorph.

00:58:56.000 And, you know, there's certain people that have advantages, you know, based on the amount of fast twitch muscle fibers, the size of their fists, different sports, you know, there's different sort of benefits to different body types in different sports.

00:59:10.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:59:11.000 Asians ping pong.

00:59:14.000 I think it's just really popular over there, right?

00:59:16.000 Oh, no, they're great.

00:59:17.000 I think it's Chinese, but I don't want to get in trouble.

00:59:19.000 But I think it's because it's really popular, right?

00:59:23.000 Maybe.

00:59:24.000 Do you think there's a physical advantage?

00:59:26.000 I don't know.

00:59:26.000 They just seem to have a knack for that pong.

00:59:28.000 They have a lot of killer pool players over there.

00:59:30.000 Really?

00:59:31.000 Well, that's all metrics.

00:59:32.000 It's all physics, you know, and there's smart people.

00:59:35.000 It's also very popular.

00:59:36.000 Ah.

00:59:36.000 It's very popular over there.

00:59:38.000 Mm-hmm.

00:59:38.000 The pool is huge in the Philippines.

00:59:41.000 Really?

00:59:41.000 Oh, my God.

00:59:42.000 Gigantic.

00:59:42.000 Some of the greatest players of all time come from the Philippines.

00:59:45.000 I didn't know that.

00:59:46.000 Yeah, there's a guy named Efren Reyes.

00:59:47.000 I got a signed photograph of him out there on the wall by the pool table.

00:59:51.000 The hot Asian lady.

00:59:51.000 The lady with the black hair, long black hair.

00:59:53.000 Oh, yeah, Jeanette Lee, the black widow.

00:59:55.000 Oh, man, she was great.

00:59:56.000 She's a beast.

00:59:57.000 You ever watch those trick shots?

00:59:58.000 They're unbelievable.

00:59:59.000 I could do three days on YouTube with those trick shots.

01:00:02.000 Oh, dude, I wind down at the end of the night every night watching pool on YouTube.

01:00:06.000 Really?

01:00:06.000 Yeah.

01:00:06.000 Oh, look at that.

01:00:07.000 Well, because it used to be hard to find pool matches on television.

01:00:11.000 Right.

01:00:11.000 It's hard.

01:00:12.000 ESPN doesn't have them.

01:00:15.000 I'd set it in my DVR, look for billiards.

01:00:19.000 Because I used to play a lot, like all day long when I lived in New York.

01:00:22.000 I played tournaments.

01:00:23.000 I was more obsessed with pool than I was with almost anything.

01:00:26.000 Really?

01:00:26.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:00:27.000 If there was money in professional pool, I probably would have quit doing stand-up.

01:00:31.000 What?

01:00:31.000 Yes.

01:00:32.000 Would you ever get in a pool grift, like a bar brouhaha?

01:00:36.000 Like get hustled?

01:00:37.000 Yeah, and then you snap the stick and go, come on, motherfucker!

01:00:41.000 Come at me!

01:00:42.000 Most of that's nonsense.

01:00:43.000 I don't know.

01:00:43.000 From the color of money.

01:00:44.000 Artie Lang's got some stories out in Newark.

01:00:46.000 He's hanging out with dirtbags.

01:00:47.000 I mean, I've had guys yell at me and stuff like that, but not because I was beating them.

01:00:51.000 I was never that good.

01:00:53.000 I went to real pool halls.

01:00:55.000 There's a place called West End Billiards in New Jersey.

01:00:58.000 I know West End Billiards.

01:00:58.000 It doesn't exist anymore.

01:00:59.000 I've seen it.

01:01:00.000 And there's also Amsterdam.

01:01:01.000 I go to Amsterdam every time I'm in New York.

01:01:03.000 I play with professionals.

01:01:05.000 I used to play a lot of tournaments with professionals.

01:01:07.000 But there was never any...

01:01:09.000 You never had the guy pretending like he had a gimp?

01:01:11.000 No.

01:01:12.000 None of that?

01:01:12.000 That's all movies?

01:01:13.000 No, no.

01:01:13.000 I mean, I had guys try to hustle me.

01:01:15.000 One of my best friends, my friend Johnny B. I met him because he tried to hustle me.

01:01:19.000 But I could just tell.

01:01:20.000 I knew I wasn't very good.

01:01:21.000 I was just starting out.

01:01:22.000 I was just playing, and he was really good.

01:01:24.000 He's like, come on, let's play a game.

01:01:25.000 I'll give you a spot.

01:01:26.000 I'm like, get the fuck out of here.

01:01:28.000 And he's like, oh, you're too smart.

01:01:29.000 I'm trying to trick you.

01:01:31.000 We became buddies.

01:01:33.000 But yeah, I was never good enough to hustle, and I was never good enough to beat the really good players, but I was obsessed with it.

01:01:39.000 What was my point?

01:01:40.000 Oh, so every night when I wind down, the way I wind down, I like to watch pool.

01:01:45.000 All right.

01:01:45.000 Because it's so, even when it's crazy, it's like not that crazy.

01:01:49.000 Right.

01:01:49.000 It's a good winder because if you watch like street fights, you're all keyed up.

01:01:53.000 Oh, I can't watch those.

01:01:54.000 You know what I hate most than anything in street fights is when the dude's heads bounce off the concrete.

01:01:59.000 Oh!

01:02:00.000 Brutal.

01:02:01.000 Brutal.

01:02:02.000 There's one, there's this Puerto Rican dude, and this other guy, and the guy doesn't know how to fight, and the Puerto Rican dude does, and you can see they're standing in front of each other in the street, and he just, crack!

01:02:11.000 And the guy goes, and you see him like sideways, his head bounces off, and his girlfriend goes, get in the car, puppy!

01:02:19.000 And he And he jumps in the car and takes off.

01:02:22.000 Oh my gosh.

01:02:22.000 See, they think it's a movie and then the real life kicks in.

01:02:26.000 Well, some people are just fronting and they think they're going to get away with it and then the other guy is actually a boxer.

01:02:33.000 And that was the case here.

01:02:34.000 That guy, he threw an educated punch.

01:02:37.000 He knew what he was doing and he caught that guy right in the jaw and he went out and his head...

01:02:41.000 Get the bounce.

01:02:43.000 There's a fucking this thing.

01:02:44.000 Ah, that kills me.

01:02:45.000 It kills people all the time, man.

01:02:48.000 Dude, I grew up in Louisiana, and these corn-fed white guys with polo shirts and Doc Martens and short blue shorts with the woven belt, they would get into these brawls, these big white...

01:03:01.000 We're good to go.

01:03:14.000 Horrific!

01:03:15.000 They slamming people in the cars and kneeing them in the face.

01:03:18.000 Bar fights, man.

01:03:18.000 How many people have died in bar fights?

01:03:20.000 I know, I know.

01:03:20.000 Fucking terrible.

01:03:21.000 Yeah, the jaw gets wired.

01:03:23.000 You see the guy the next week, he's got that neck brace, you know?

01:03:26.000 Ugh.

01:03:27.000 Dude.

01:03:27.000 Brutal.

01:03:28.000 Yeah.

01:03:28.000 Fuck.

01:03:28.000 All for what?

01:03:29.000 Because somebody bumped into you?

01:03:30.000 Exactly.

01:03:31.000 Spilled your beer?

01:03:31.000 Well, just people looking for fights, and then they get a little bit of booze in them, and, you know, they're mad because their girlfriend's fucking some new guy.

01:03:38.000 I guess so.

01:03:39.000 God damn it.

01:03:39.000 Fucking bitch.

01:03:40.000 I don't have that in me.

01:03:42.000 I don't have that anger.

01:03:43.000 Congratulations.

01:03:43.000 I'm not bragging.

01:03:45.000 I like to booze it up.

01:03:46.000 I like to smash some gash and have a good time and do some shrooms and eat a lady out.

01:03:52.000 But I can't imagine wanting to kick a guy in the face while he's on the ground.

01:03:56.000 No.

01:03:58.000 It's not good.

01:03:59.000 That's a rage.

01:04:00.000 Maybe he was beaten or he's deeply closeted or something's going on there.

01:04:04.000 Well, it's like...

01:04:06.000 Some men grow up getting their asses kicked.

01:04:08.000 I guess so.

01:04:09.000 And they grow up getting abused.

01:04:10.000 It's one of the things that I would notice in high school.

01:04:13.000 The kids that would want to fight all the time, they were getting abused at home.

01:04:16.000 Ah.

01:04:17.000 There was a lot of that.

01:04:18.000 Right.

01:04:18.000 And they don't have as much...

01:04:37.000 Yes!

01:04:38.000 Yes!

01:04:43.000 I would try to celebrate.

01:04:46.000 And then after a while, I started not celebrating, I would just walk away.

01:04:50.000 I'd be like, that's actually probably a better move anyway.

01:04:52.000 It looks cooler.

01:04:53.000 Because I would just smash somebody, I would kick them, and then they would go down.

01:04:56.000 I'm like, that dude's not getting up.

01:04:57.000 I'm just going to walk away like this always happens.

01:05:00.000 And after a while, it kind of always happened.

01:05:02.000 Yeah, like in MMA, when they just knock the guy down and they walk away, they don't even keep hammer fisting.

01:05:07.000 Well, it's a thing.

01:05:08.000 It's like when guys do that, they're letting you know, like, I know this is the end.

01:05:14.000 I don't have to follow this up.

01:05:16.000 Right.

01:05:16.000 There's a feeling that you get when you hit someone and you see their eyes roll back.

01:05:20.000 You know.

01:05:21.000 But some guys are so savage they don't give a fuck.

01:05:23.000 Even after the guys...

01:05:24.000 The most famous one to me was Dan Henderson knocked out Michael Bisping.

01:05:29.000 It was so clear that he was out.

01:05:31.000 And Dan Henderson flew through the air and smashed him with a punch on the way down.

01:05:37.000 Then he made that silhouette his logo.

01:05:42.000 So Google Dan Henderson's look.

01:05:44.000 Look, they had this epic shit-talking session.

01:05:48.000 And then, actually, Michael Bisping went on to beat Dan Henderson in the rematch, which was huge, for the title.

01:05:54.000 I like when they have a shit-talking, because I feel weird when they tap gloves and then try to murder each other.

01:05:58.000 Look at that belief.

01:06:00.000 That is him.

01:06:01.000 See, look at that.

01:06:02.000 That literally is his silhouette when he was, you know...

01:06:06.000 I mean, you can't...

01:06:07.000 It's hard to say it's a cheap shot, because...

01:06:10.000 He knocked him out.

01:06:10.000 The reality is he knocked him out.

01:06:12.000 He knew the guy was out, but you're kind of supposed to keep punching until the referee pulls you off, and the referee wasn't in the right place to pull him off.

01:06:22.000 Damn.

01:06:23.000 But that's kind of crazy that that's his logo.

01:06:25.000 Of course.

01:06:26.000 Dan Henderson is a fucking savage.

01:06:29.000 Yikes.

01:06:30.000 He's the last person you want to piss off.

01:06:33.000 Yeah, that's too much.

01:06:34.000 That'd be like Cosby having a logo of a lady sleeping.

01:06:37.000 Look at that.

01:06:37.000 Not sure why Michael Bisping doesn't like my logo.

01:06:39.000 He isn't even in it.

01:06:41.000 Oh, this guy's harsh.

01:06:44.000 Damn.

01:06:44.000 Hey, he's a fucking world champion.

01:06:46.000 That's the kind of mentality that you have to have.

01:06:50.000 I think he was a two-division champion in Pride.

01:06:54.000 Yeah, I know he did.

01:06:55.000 He won the 85-pound title and the 205-pound title.

01:06:58.000 Monster.

01:06:59.000 Yikes.

01:06:59.000 One of the greats.

01:07:00.000 And he was a woman.

01:07:01.000 No.

01:07:01.000 He is now, though.

01:07:02.000 No.

01:07:04.000 The whole thing is kooky.

01:07:06.000 He's a they.

01:07:06.000 He's a they now.

01:07:07.000 He's not a woman.

01:07:08.000 Okay, perfect.

01:07:09.000 I like a they.

01:07:10.000 That's easy.

01:07:10.000 Theybes.

01:07:11.000 Isn't it weird now that the nicest thing you can say about a person is, I don't agree with everything they say, but I still like them.

01:07:16.000 It's like, I hate that we have to do that.

01:07:18.000 That's so narcissistic.

01:07:19.000 I disagree with some of the things.

01:07:21.000 I gotta let everybody know that.

01:07:23.000 I hate that.

01:07:24.000 Can't you just like a guy?

01:07:25.000 I wonder if narcissism, if you could track narcissism on a chart, I wonder if it's ramped up because of social media.

01:07:31.000 Whoa, are you kidding?

01:07:32.000 Of course!

01:07:33.000 It is like something that you feed, right?

01:07:36.000 It is a psychological condition that you also probably can treat.

01:07:39.000 I don't know.

01:07:40.000 I think we're too far in.

01:07:41.000 Yeah, but if you have narcissism and you get humbled by life, you take some L's in your life.

01:07:48.000 Yeah, which you need.

01:07:49.000 Everybody does.

01:07:50.000 And you also, maybe you grow older and wiser and you realize this is stupid to be making duck faces on a selfie stick.

01:07:58.000 Right, right.

01:07:58.000 You know that?

01:07:59.000 Have you ever seen this image?

01:08:00.000 There's a fucking photo.

01:08:01.000 It's one of my favorite photos.

01:08:02.000 A candy photo.

01:08:02.000 There's a girl on a lounge chair with her ass up in the air, and she's holding a selfie stick, and a guy is taking a picture of her, taking this picture of how fucking ridiculous it is.

01:08:14.000 She's literally got her ass straight up in the air, and she's got this selfie stick.

01:08:19.000 So she's doing this, and she's on a lounge chair by the side of the pool.

01:08:22.000 And he caught it.

01:08:23.000 And I think the capture's like, 2019, be like.

01:08:27.000 Yeah.

01:08:29.000 It's true.

01:08:29.000 I mean, back in the day, to get on TV, you'd have to earn it.

01:08:32.000 There it is.

01:08:33.000 Look, look.

01:08:33.000 Oh, that's classic.

01:08:35.000 That is classic.

01:08:36.000 Still loving our generation.

01:08:37.000 That's what it is.

01:08:38.000 Come on.

01:08:38.000 Okay, it's Barstool Sports has it up.

01:08:40.000 Look at that.

01:08:41.000 That is so crazy.

01:08:42.000 I bet she nailed that photo, though.

01:08:43.000 Look at all the work she put in.

01:08:45.000 Dude, the dicks that must have come into her DM like a sleepy river filled with lumber.

01:08:51.000 Just rolling towards her DMs.

01:08:53.000 A logging camp.

01:08:54.000 Yeah.

01:08:55.000 Just a fucking lumber boat overturned.

01:08:58.000 Well, in the 80s or 90s, to get on a camera, you had to walk by a TV store.

01:09:03.000 Remember, you'd be like, oh shit, I'm on it!

01:09:05.000 Remember, it would look out at you, and that was a big deal, but now it's just in your pocket.

01:09:08.000 Now it's so easy.

01:09:09.000 Then you can put it out into the world, and anybody can be on YouTube, anybody can have an Instagram.

01:09:13.000 People are just storying everything now.

01:09:16.000 It's too easy.

01:09:17.000 It's me, me, me.

01:09:18.000 Your voice is counted.

01:09:19.000 It sucks.

01:09:20.000 Yeah.

01:09:21.000 That's the thing, too.

01:09:22.000 Opinions are counted from the time you're 12 on.

01:09:25.000 Right.

01:09:25.000 Your opinion, if you have a 12-year-old moron and he writes a tweet, it looks just like a scholar.

01:09:32.000 Exactly.

01:09:33.000 It's got the same font.

01:09:34.000 The words are spelled.

01:09:36.000 There's auto-correct, so it corrects the words.

01:09:38.000 Right.

01:09:38.000 Like, you fucking idiot.

01:09:39.000 That could be from a 12-year-old or it could be from a 50-year-old guy who works at Stanford.

01:09:43.000 Right, right.

01:09:44.000 And it's written, so you just kind of buy it.

01:09:46.000 Yeah.

01:09:46.000 This is this guy's thought.

01:09:47.000 Yes, yes.

01:09:49.000 I know, it's terrifying, man.

01:09:50.000 Well, it's also interesting, Louis C.K. had a funny thought on this that really resonated.

01:09:54.000 He was like, when people say things on Twitter, it's just talk, but it's written down.

01:10:00.000 So everybody's like, look, look, look, look what he said!

01:10:02.000 Like, people say crazy shit all the time.

01:10:04.000 Of course.

01:10:05.000 And we're used to saying, like, fuck that guy.

01:10:07.000 Yeah.

01:10:07.000 But you should write, fuck that guy on Twitter.

01:10:09.000 Look, he said, fuck that guy!

01:10:10.000 Yeah, it's written, it's official.

01:10:11.000 It's written, yeah.

01:10:12.000 It's like...

01:10:13.000 People have said things about people since the beginning of time, and they go, why'd you say that?

01:10:18.000 I'm sorry, dude.

01:10:19.000 I was fucking drunk, and I was mad my girlfriend broke up with me.

01:10:22.000 That kind of shit, and people get over it.

01:10:24.000 But if it's written, and then people retweet, oh yeah, remember when he said this about you?

01:10:27.000 Exactly.

01:10:27.000 Oh, he tried to delete it, but I got a photo of it.

01:10:29.000 I mean, how many times do you talk shit about a comic, and then you walk in the green room, and he's sitting there, and you're like, oh hey, what's up, buddy?

01:10:34.000 Hi, fella.

01:10:35.000 Thank God you were just talking.

01:10:37.000 But it wasn't written.

01:10:38.000 Now it's not official.

01:10:39.000 Now it's not on paper.

01:10:40.000 Well, it's, you know, look, most of us deserve to have some shit said about us every now and again.

01:10:45.000 Yeah.

01:10:46.000 But the loudest people are the ones who have a lot of shit, and they yell at you before you find their shit.

01:10:51.000 Oh, that's what's always really fun to find out, right?

01:10:53.000 Every green room I go to, there's all this shit on Twitter.

01:10:56.000 Then I go in the green room and go, we don't agree with that, right?

01:10:57.000 And they go, no, come on, it's crazy.

01:10:59.000 Then you go back to your bullshit life.

01:11:00.000 I know a guy who's like an animal activist.

01:11:03.000 He kicks his dog!

01:11:04.000 No!

01:11:05.000 Yeah, and it's like, I go to his apartment, he's kicking his dog.

01:11:07.000 Like, hey, get out of there!

01:11:08.000 And he kicks it in the ribs.

01:11:09.000 You're like, you're the animal guy!

01:11:11.000 You kicked it hard?

01:11:11.000 I mean, you get a yelp, you get like...

01:11:12.000 Oh, Jesus.

01:11:13.000 And you're like, you're the activist dude.

01:11:16.000 You're PETA, bitch.

01:11:17.000 Dick.

01:11:18.000 I know, but the online, we all are fucked.

01:11:21.000 We are all selfish.

01:11:22.000 We're all shitty.

01:11:23.000 We're all cunts.

01:11:24.000 We're all cowards.

01:11:25.000 Deep down, we have all that.

01:11:27.000 But on Twitter, you can be a superhero.

01:11:29.000 Yeah, well, we're all primates.

01:11:31.000 We've all got some weird monkey energy inside of us, and sometimes it comes out wrong, especially because you're different all the time.

01:11:38.000 You're different depending upon the kind of stress you're under, whether or not you've had sleep, whether or not you just got fired.

01:11:45.000 So many variables that people don't want to take into consideration.

01:11:48.000 Yeah, yeah, and you want to look good.

01:11:50.000 You want to look cool.

01:11:51.000 It's like makeup.

01:11:52.000 Twitter is makeup.

01:11:53.000 Dude, Twitter is makeup.

01:11:55.000 J-Mo, t-shirt.

01:11:57.000 Bro, you're right.

01:11:58.000 You just nailed it.

01:11:59.000 Thank you.

01:11:59.000 It is like that.

01:12:00.000 It's like you're pretending that you're something that you're not.

01:12:02.000 You're dressing it up.

01:12:03.000 And some people go so far as Twitter for them is plastic surgery, where they're just giving in.

01:12:07.000 And they're like, I'm hooked on this.

01:12:09.000 Right.

01:12:10.000 Well, I don't know if you know this, but a lot of ladies, they take the photo shop to the photos, and they make their butt bigger, and their waist smaller, and their legs thinner.

01:12:18.000 So my wife will go out with her friends, and one of her friends is basically a magician.

01:12:23.000 She'll take a photo, and she'll start fucking with things, and make girls' heads bigger, and make another girl have bigger arms, make them insecure, and make her waist smaller.

01:12:31.000 They do weird shit, and they do little subtle things, like make this bitch's nose a little bigger, make her fucking ears a little bigger.

01:12:39.000 Whoa.

01:12:40.000 And then they call each other.

01:12:41.000 You gotta take that picture down.

01:12:42.000 I don't like the way my nose looks.

01:12:43.000 Oh, I'll fix it.

01:12:44.000 I'll fix your nose.

01:12:45.000 Right.

01:12:45.000 So they'll change your nose and put it back up.

01:12:47.000 Like, it's cartooning.

01:12:49.000 It's funny.

01:12:49.000 Like, you're doing cartoons.

01:12:50.000 You're making cartoons.

01:12:51.000 Right.

01:12:51.000 That's not even a person anymore.

01:12:52.000 It's funny because, like, a lot of guys, you know, we're shallow and material.

01:12:56.000 We like, what do you call it?

01:12:57.000 Visual.

01:12:58.000 We're very visual.

01:12:59.000 And women always say, oh, men are so pig, they're pigs, all they care about is tits.

01:13:03.000 And it's like, no, no, you care too.

01:13:04.000 Don't act like it's just us.

01:13:05.000 You have 18 filters on your face because you want to look good.

01:13:09.000 Such as us, you're shallow as well.

01:13:12.000 Well, I had a bit that I did in my last special about watching Fox News and about how Bill O'Reilly was sitting right next to Megyn Kelly.

01:13:20.000 And they're right next to each other, so I assume they're in the same climate.

01:13:23.000 But Bill O'Reilly was dressed like it was chilly out.

01:13:26.000 He had a shirt and a jacket and a tie.

01:13:29.000 I go, Megyn Kelly was wearing something that was best to be described as a vagina curtain.

01:13:34.000 And it wasn't a good curtain either.

01:13:36.000 I go, it was one of those curtains that sits over Grandma's kitchen sink.

01:13:38.000 It's kind of fluttering the breeze.

01:13:40.000 You could always see the yard.

01:13:41.000 And I'm like, her vagina's right there.

01:13:43.000 And it's cut low.

01:13:44.000 So you can see some of her tits.

01:13:46.000 Right.

01:13:47.000 Like, you see, it doesn't have any sleeves on.

01:13:49.000 Like, there's so much skin.

01:13:51.000 Yeah.

01:13:52.000 But a man, if a man wore a sleeveless skirt to an office, he would be fired.

01:13:58.000 Right.

01:13:58.000 Well, we're gross, too.

01:13:59.000 But is that sexism?

01:14:00.000 What is that?

01:14:01.000 Probably.

01:14:01.000 I mean, by definition it is, but we don't give a shit.

01:14:04.000 It's like if a girl has a ton of cleavage and you go, wow, that's a lot of cleavage.

01:14:06.000 They go, whoa, easy creep.

01:14:07.000 You have the cleavage.

01:14:09.000 Right.

01:14:09.000 I'm the weirdo for calling it out.

01:14:10.000 You're showing it everywhere.

01:14:11.000 Yeah.

01:14:11.000 Like if a guy has yoga pants on and a giant hog wear a kielbasa in his pants, are you allowed to say anything to him?

01:14:18.000 You go, hey, you gotta go home and change.

01:14:19.000 What if you're straight and he's straight, and you go, bro, nice dick.

01:14:23.000 Yeah.

01:14:23.000 Just a compliment.

01:14:24.000 That's cool.

01:14:25.000 Yeah, you're not trying to hit on him.

01:14:26.000 I know, then they get blurry with the men and women stuff, because we're the same, but then we have different rules, so it's all very confusing.

01:14:32.000 Well, girls can say, girl, your ass looks amazing.

01:14:35.000 Right.

01:14:35.000 And no one cares.

01:14:36.000 Like, girls can say that to girls.

01:14:38.000 Sure, and gay guys can say it to girls.

01:14:39.000 Yeah, they can say it to girls.

01:14:41.000 The gay guy-girl relationship is a special one.

01:14:44.000 It is.

01:14:45.000 Because it's girls, they can be around guys, but they're around guys who fuck guys, so they feel safe.

01:14:51.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:14:52.000 It's all rape.

01:14:53.000 It just comes down to the rape threat.

01:14:55.000 Oh yeah, right.

01:14:56.000 There's no threat that way.

01:14:57.000 Exactly.

01:14:57.000 And there's no threat of deception.

01:14:59.000 Right.

01:14:59.000 Because the guy's not interested in you.

01:15:01.000 Right.

01:15:01.000 So he's not pretending he wants to fuck, or he doesn't want to fuck you when he actually does.

01:15:05.000 Right.

01:15:05.000 So you don't really know.

01:15:06.000 Like, how many girls have those fucking creepo friends that have just been lurking in the periphery, waiting on the shore for the boat to come in the dock?

01:15:13.000 It's gotta be tough to be a gal for that one.

01:15:15.000 It's gotta be tough to be that guy.

01:15:16.000 Well, that too.

01:15:17.000 Hoping she gets fat.

01:15:18.000 Hoping things go wrong.

01:15:19.000 I don't know.

01:15:20.000 If she gets fat, he might pull out.

01:15:22.000 Maybe not.

01:15:22.000 He might de-doc.

01:15:24.000 No, he'd probably just get her back in shape again once he gets her.

01:15:26.000 I think if we knew how much girls wanted to be found attractive...

01:15:30.000 They'd be a little embarrassed.

01:15:32.000 I think if we knew how important that was, because girls are very secretive.

01:15:35.000 Women, sorry, women.

01:15:36.000 Like, I'm a big fan of the ladies, blah, blah, blah.

01:15:38.000 But I think a lot of the things that they are thinking, if that was out, they'd be embarrassed.

01:15:43.000 Yeah.

01:15:44.000 Because they got some stuff going on in that noggin that we don't know about.

01:15:48.000 But it's like there's so much currency in being attractive if you're a woman.

01:15:53.000 It's like being a celebrity man, right?

01:15:56.000 Right.

01:15:56.000 Like if Chris Rock shows up anywhere, people are like, oh shit, it's Chris Rock.

01:16:00.000 Come on in, Chris Rock.

01:16:01.000 Hey, come on in.

01:16:02.000 Come in the restaurant.

01:16:03.000 We got a seat for you.

01:16:03.000 Get the fuck out of the seat.

01:16:04.000 Chris Rock's going to sit here.

01:16:06.000 Would you like a drink?

01:16:06.000 Would you like this?

01:16:07.000 Would you like that?

01:16:08.000 Do you want something for free?

01:16:08.000 We'll give you gifts.

01:16:10.000 It's like, this is a celebrity.

01:16:11.000 Well, a woman who's really hot has almost the same treatment.

01:16:14.000 Like, come on in.

01:16:15.000 Right.

01:16:16.000 I'll get you a drink.

01:16:18.000 Of course.

01:16:18.000 Hey, ladies, what are you doing later?

01:16:19.000 There's a little after party.

01:16:21.000 Love to have you come.

01:16:22.000 Yeah.

01:16:22.000 You know, they get invited.

01:16:23.000 Of course.

01:16:24.000 Yeah, it's different.

01:16:25.000 A really attractive woman is like a superhero.

01:16:29.000 Yes.

01:16:29.000 They have superpowers.

01:16:31.000 And men fall apart.

01:16:33.000 Like, if women, I think they know.

01:16:35.000 Of course they know.

01:16:37.000 It's biological.

01:16:38.000 But they don't experience it.

01:16:39.000 They don't experience it from the perspective of a male.

01:16:42.000 Oh, if they knew how fucking juiced up we were.

01:16:44.000 I mean, when you see a beautiful woman with the legs and the skirt, the cleavage, it's insanity.

01:16:48.000 I wish a woman could feel that for one second.

01:16:51.000 Insanity.

01:16:51.000 Feel how horny and crazy and, like, you're irrational.

01:16:54.000 Yeah.

01:16:54.000 You're not thinking rationally.

01:16:55.000 No, you stumble over your words, you say stupid shit you don't really mean.

01:16:58.000 The only closest thing is, you know when, like, sometimes you're about to bang a gal and, like, you're about to put it in and she's all ready to go and you go, ah, I'm gonna hang back.

01:17:06.000 And she's like, what the fuck, ah!

01:17:07.000 She's flipping it.

01:17:08.000 That's the closest women will get to knowing how horny we are.

01:17:12.000 When do you do that?

01:17:13.000 Well, we've done that with girlfriends and stuff.

01:17:15.000 You tease your girlfriend?

01:17:17.000 Huh?

01:17:17.000 You tease your girlfriend?

01:17:18.000 Well, for fun, yeah.

01:17:19.000 Or if I can't get it up.

01:17:21.000 Oh, baby, I'm ready to...

01:17:22.000 Not really.

01:17:23.000 Yeah, and she's soaking wet.

01:17:24.000 The blanket's ruined.

01:17:26.000 And, you know, the candles are lit and the nips are hard.

01:17:29.000 Windows are steamy.

01:17:29.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:17:31.000 And she's got a little gloss of sweat from the first time I went down on her and made her jizz.

01:17:36.000 And now she's ready for the medium-sized dong to penetrate.

01:17:39.000 And you hang back, yeah.

01:17:41.000 You hang back out.

01:17:42.000 If you could bottle that feeling that women have right then when they call you the F word.

01:17:47.000 I've had women say horrible things because they're so worked up.

01:17:50.000 The gay F word?

01:17:51.000 Oh yeah.

01:17:51.000 Come on!

01:17:53.000 I don't want to say it because who knows.

01:17:54.000 You don't want to get cancelled?

01:17:55.000 Exactly.

01:17:56.000 But if you could bottle that.

01:17:58.000 If we were alone you'd say it.

01:17:59.000 Of course.

01:18:00.000 Yes.

01:18:01.000 Yes.

01:18:01.000 But people can't see intent.

01:18:03.000 I know.

01:18:04.000 They can't see nuance, these cuts.

01:18:05.000 They can't.

01:18:06.000 They can't.

01:18:06.000 Look, I grew up in a black neighborhood.

01:18:07.000 There was a big difference from when one guy would go, fuck you, white boy, to, ah, fuck you, white boy.

01:18:13.000 There's intent.

01:18:14.000 Of course.

01:18:14.000 And both are racist, I guess, or both are evil or mean, but I knew what one group meant and I knew what another group meant.

01:18:22.000 And it's the same words.

01:18:23.000 It's like the word retarded.

01:18:25.000 Yes.

01:18:25.000 You could use that word and everyone laughs, or you can use that word and you're a monster.

01:18:30.000 Use that word of a little kid that has a disease, like Down Syndrome or something, you're a monster.

01:18:35.000 Or, you know, with your friend, and he's like, where are my fucking keys?

01:18:39.000 Where are my fucking keys?

01:18:40.000 Hey, dude, they're in your hand, retard.

01:18:42.000 Of course.

01:18:44.000 The bummer of all that is everybody knows that.

01:18:48.000 Everybody knows that and they're playing games.

01:18:49.000 They're playing games and they're lying.

01:18:51.000 Well, they're playing games and they're trying to eliminate your ability to express yourself with nuance.

01:18:56.000 Because they're trying to pretend that these words can't mean different things.

01:19:00.000 But they always have meant different things.

01:19:02.000 So they're taking away that.

01:19:03.000 But you're not going to fix anybody.

01:19:05.000 You're not going to change life.

01:19:06.000 You're not going to make sick people better.

01:19:08.000 You're not going to do anything different.

01:19:10.000 Yes.

01:19:11.000 Language is complex.

01:19:13.000 There's a lot of variables.

01:19:15.000 People are complex.

01:19:15.000 Emotions are complex.

01:19:16.000 And the scenarios in which you're using those languages.

01:19:19.000 Right.

01:19:19.000 That's what I don't get.

01:19:20.000 Why would you want to be on that bad, snitch, cunty, tattletale side of all this?

01:19:25.000 Because they want to be woke.

01:19:26.000 And because there's a lot of fear in being against wokeness.

01:19:30.000 That's what it is.

01:19:31.000 And people coming after you.

01:19:32.000 But you're a good human.

01:19:33.000 I'm a decent douche.

01:19:34.000 I feel like we have good...

01:19:36.000 Bones, and we want to help people.

01:19:38.000 You would probably stop a bully if he was picking on a weaker person.

01:19:41.000 Oh, for sure.

01:19:42.000 So to me, that's more important than...

01:19:45.000 Yeah, but they don't see that.

01:19:47.000 They don't see that.

01:19:48.000 And also, here's another problem.

01:19:50.000 When it comes to people like you or me, we are in this weird place where we're talking and literally right now millions of people are listening.

01:19:57.000 That is strange.

01:19:59.000 And no one thinks that's fair, including me and you.

01:20:02.000 It's not normal.

01:20:03.000 So people that are listening, there's a certain percentage of them are like, fuck that guy.

01:20:07.000 Why is he talking?

01:20:09.000 Why do you get to talk?

01:20:10.000 Right, right.

01:20:10.000 And so you say anything that deviates from the standard.

01:20:15.000 You have to comply 100%.

01:20:18.000 If you don't want to be shit on, you have to comply 100%.

01:20:22.000 That's so scary.

01:20:24.000 It is scary.

01:20:25.000 And it's a bummer.

01:20:26.000 Who wants to live like that?

01:20:27.000 Well, nobody does.

01:20:28.000 But here's the thing.

01:20:29.000 When you don't comply, so many people are like, thank you.

01:20:33.000 Of course.

01:20:34.000 Thank you.

01:20:34.000 There's so many.

01:20:36.000 I think more.

01:20:37.000 More people are happy.

01:20:38.000 It's just the voices that are upset at you for not being woke are the louder ones.

01:20:43.000 And they're more into it because they're a We just did it.

01:20:48.000 Way to tie it all up there, Patty.

01:20:49.000 It's a weird thing.

01:20:50.000 It is.

01:20:51.000 It's a weird thing we're doing with language.

01:20:52.000 It's very strange.

01:20:53.000 It's very weird.

01:20:53.000 My friend had a good point, black guy, by the way, and he would say, like, it's got to be weird in 10 years when this kind of all dissipates.

01:21:01.000 And some lady's in a job interview, and she's like, I'd love to work here.

01:21:04.000 And the guy's like, says here in 2016 you wrote men are scum?

01:21:09.000 What did you mean by that?

01:21:10.000 I'm a man.

01:21:11.000 And she's going to be like, oh, it was a different time, you know, emotions were high, and Harvey Weinstein, he's like, yeah, but that's hurtful, like, I'm a man.

01:21:18.000 You're saying it's quite a generalization, you know, like, that's so mean, it's so hateful.

01:21:23.000 There was a big scandal about that just a couple, not even a couple years ago, maybe a year ago or so.

01:21:26.000 There was a woman who got hired by the New York Times, and they were going through all her tweets, and a lot of it was like anti-white men tweets.

01:21:32.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:21:32.000 She said that she was doing it ironically, and she was also doing it to respond to people that were tweeting hateful things at her.

01:21:38.000 Sure, there was a lot of that.

01:21:40.000 And also she was young.

01:21:41.000 Like a lot of times you're tweeting stuff when you're young and you're trolling and you don't even know what you're doing.

01:21:47.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:21:47.000 And I saw a great tweet the other day about how there's that big white male rage is like a big funny thing going around right now.

01:21:55.000 It's like a hashtag.

01:21:56.000 Male rage?

01:21:56.000 Yeah, white male rage.

01:21:57.000 Like the Joker and everything.

01:21:59.000 Oh, that's hilarious.

01:22:00.000 It's funny, because, you know, there's a lot of white male rage out there, so it works, but it's also weird that we've kind of funneled...

01:22:06.000 You're not allowed to be mean to any other group and talk about it.

01:22:09.000 Like, black people have rage, Asians have rage, but...

01:22:11.000 But you can white male it to death.

01:22:13.000 Yeah, which is like, as a comic, you're like, well, now it's kind of hack, because you're just doing that every time, and B... There's other rages.

01:22:21.000 So why wouldn't you want to...

01:22:22.000 But you're so worried about being appropriate that you have to just stick with this one that everybody...

01:22:27.000 I don't know.

01:22:28.000 It feels very easy.

01:22:29.000 Well, in woke culture, I don't know if you know this, but it's impossible to be racist against white people.

01:22:33.000 Ha!

01:22:34.000 Did you know that?

01:22:35.000 Because white people, power plus something is racism.

01:22:40.000 And white people are always in power, so you can't be racist against white people.

01:22:44.000 It's nonsense.

01:22:45.000 It feels very condescending to brown people, too.

01:22:48.000 I won't ever talk about you.

01:22:50.000 You're perfect.

01:22:51.000 Let's ruin this honky over here.

01:22:53.000 Well, they're loud and boring.

01:22:55.000 The people that do that, they're loud and boring.

01:22:57.000 It feels like there's a lot of them.

01:22:59.000 There's a lot of them.

01:23:00.000 Well, there's also a lot of 20-year-olds out there.

01:23:02.000 Look, if you caught me when I was 20, I would be loud and fucking boring, too.

01:23:05.000 I'd be really annoying.

01:23:07.000 That's the other thing.

01:23:08.000 It's like a Shane Gillis.

01:23:09.000 People go, can you believe he said that?

01:23:10.000 I'm like, well, you said this thing 10 years ago, but I've evolved.

01:23:12.000 Well, maybe he will.

01:23:14.000 Well, not only that, you've got to understand that he's talking shit.

01:23:18.000 And back then, he didn't think anybody was listening.

01:23:21.000 You're talking shit.

01:23:22.000 When you're talking shit, you're just trying to make your friends laugh.

01:23:24.000 Right, right.

01:23:25.000 You know?

01:23:25.000 Yeah.

01:23:26.000 He was trying to say inappropriate things that you're not supposed to say to make his friends laugh.

01:23:30.000 Sure.

01:23:30.000 That's what you do.

01:23:31.000 That's what you do, man.

01:23:32.000 That's what you do.

01:23:33.000 It doesn't mean you mean those things.

01:23:35.000 Yeah, that's what white male rage is.

01:23:36.000 That hashtag is inappropriate shit to make the people laugh.

01:23:39.000 But...

01:23:40.000 Because there's so much content out there, and all of us are putting out so much content, you can find these instances where you're just talking shit, and if you just isolate those, you can pretend that that defines a person.

01:23:50.000 Right, right.

01:23:52.000 But it doesn't.

01:23:53.000 Because you never use the good shit to define people.

01:23:55.000 Exactly.

01:23:55.000 You're defined by a giant chunk of...

01:23:58.000 Whoever you are, all the things you do.

01:24:00.000 You have your weak spots and you have your strong points.

01:24:03.000 You're defined by a lot of things.

01:24:04.000 When I saw that CNN thing, I was like, that's not why the show's popular.

01:24:09.000 You're pretending that the show has gotten all these downloads because it's like this white transphobic hate platform.

01:24:15.000 That's not true.

01:24:16.000 That's not true.

01:24:18.000 I mean, I'm not even, like, speaking for myself, like, just looking at it objectively.

01:24:21.000 That doesn't make any sense.

01:24:22.000 But if you say that, you could change, you could shift the way people...

01:24:27.000 And so that's what they were trying to do.

01:24:28.000 But all it really does is erode people's confidence in your ability to describe things accurately.

01:24:33.000 Ah, yeah, you lose your genuine card.

01:24:34.000 I don't trust that guy.

01:24:35.000 Do you know what they did to Cenk Uygur?

01:24:37.000 Who's that?

01:24:37.000 From the Young Turks.

01:24:38.000 He's a political commentator.

01:24:39.000 He was talking to...

01:24:40.000 This is one of the most egregious ones I've ever seen, ever.

01:24:42.000 He was talking to David Duke on the phone, right?

01:24:45.000 And David Duke saying, I'm not racist.

01:24:47.000 You know, David Duke, fucking head of the KKK. So he goes, oh, of course you're not racist!

01:24:53.000 So they use that as a quote, saying that he said to David Duke, oh, of course you're not racist.

01:24:59.000 Wow!

01:25:00.000 And they tried to say that he was, you know, coddling David Duke.

01:25:04.000 That's a lot of spin.

01:25:05.000 But it's not spin.

01:25:06.000 It's deceptive.

01:25:07.000 It's a lie.

01:25:08.000 And then they made a retraction, but it's too late.

01:25:11.000 And not only that, like, why?

01:25:13.000 Why do you want to do that?

01:25:14.000 Well, it's because he's running for Congress.

01:25:16.000 So Cenk Uygur right now is running for Congress in California, so they tried to do that to him in the same way.

01:25:21.000 It's like this weird thing.

01:25:23.000 They have these relationships with politicians and political parties, and they don't want people like him in, because he's one of those take the money out of politics guys.

01:25:30.000 And he's got this thing, this wolf pack, where they're trying to take money out of politics.

01:25:35.000 The same thing that Bernie Sanders is doing.

01:25:37.000 Ah, interesting.

01:25:38.000 I see a pattern here.

01:25:39.000 Well, I mean, look, that's where their bread's buttered.

01:25:42.000 They want more butter, they want more bread.

01:25:45.000 But it's funny, because when I was a kid, you'd hear about the 60s and Nixon and all this corruption, and you're like, oh, that's the 60s.

01:25:50.000 But it just keeps going.

01:25:51.000 It's a different kind of corruption.

01:25:54.000 It's sanctioned corruption.

01:25:55.000 It's legal corruption.

01:25:56.000 You're allowed to do it.

01:25:57.000 Oh, I see.

01:25:58.000 You're allowed to have these relationships.

01:25:59.000 It's not illegal.

01:26:00.000 You should have to...

01:26:04.000 One of the things they do that's really sneaky is they hire these media companies to do organized campaigns.

01:26:09.000 So if you see a bunch of people tweeting mean shit about a candidate, a lot of times you go and you see, well, who's tweeting this?

01:26:15.000 They have one fucking follower.

01:26:17.000 Oh, of course.

01:26:18.000 And they've only been posting for like a week, and most of the stuff they're posting is against this one candidate.

01:26:24.000 So they have these dummy accounts.

01:26:26.000 So either it's a person who...

01:26:29.000 That's the only time they've signed up for Twitter and they just want to shit on Bernie Sanders.

01:26:32.000 Yeah.

01:26:32.000 Or it's this sort of contrived collection of people.

01:26:38.000 I mean, fake people.

01:26:40.000 Like one person has like 50 accounts.

01:26:42.000 Right, right.

01:26:42.000 Or one media company, a media organizing company that is literally hired to do a campaign to try to push a narrative.

01:26:51.000 And so they just fill the mentions up with these bots, essentially.

01:26:56.000 Right, right.

01:26:56.000 Just saying a bunch of different things that are negative about a candidate or negative about a person or negative about whatever, about anything.

01:27:03.000 And this is one of the ways that they sort of try to shift the zeitgeist.

01:27:07.000 And when they can't control that, when they don't have to control the narrative, then they start panicking and then they pull out the heavy guns.

01:27:12.000 And then they start asking these news stories, whether it's a newspaper or an online publication, to write inflammatory things about you.

01:27:22.000 That's essentially how they try to shift opinion on things.

01:27:25.000 And it's not illegal, right?

01:27:27.000 But it's fucking super sneaky and really sleazy.

01:27:31.000 It's funny how they do the it's not illegal loophole kind of, because it's still wrong and mean and hurtful and a lie.

01:27:38.000 But imagine if it was a comic, right?

01:27:40.000 Imagine if you say, look...

01:27:42.000 Aren't you filming a special tonight, Mark Norman?

01:27:44.000 Yes, I am.

01:27:45.000 Two shows, Dynasty Typewriter.

01:27:47.000 I don't know when this comes out.

01:27:48.000 It's already sold out, right?

01:27:48.000 Yeah, sold out, baby.

01:27:50.000 Tough shit, you fucks.

01:27:51.000 You can't get in.

01:27:51.000 So, imagine if this special comes out and you tweet a link to it and then underneath it you use 50 dummy accounts to talk about how fucking amazing that special is.

01:28:02.000 Right.

01:28:02.000 And then people find out about it.

01:28:04.000 Yeah.

01:28:04.000 And they go, Jesus Christ, Mark Norman, what the fuck is wrong with you?

01:28:08.000 What do you mean?

01:28:09.000 They would say that to you.

01:28:10.000 Like if you had 50 dummy accounts, you were tweeting about how amazing you are.

01:28:13.000 Well, that's what politicians do.

01:28:14.000 That's what corporations do.

01:28:15.000 A lot of people do that, to try to shift opinion.

01:28:18.000 And they're doing it through Twitter.

01:28:19.000 You know what the solution to that is?

01:28:21.000 Stay the fuck off of Twitter.

01:28:22.000 Well, how long until it's illegal?

01:28:24.000 It feels like it's getting dangerous out there.

01:28:26.000 Doing stuff like that sort of should be illegal.

01:28:31.000 It's basically what the internet research agency in Russia was doing when they were having all these fake accounts and they were tweeting.

01:28:39.000 They were doing all kinds of different things.

01:28:41.000 They were pretending that it was black women against Hillary Clinton.

01:28:45.000 It was really Russians.

01:28:46.000 As black women, we can't vote for this bitch.

01:28:48.000 And all the whiteys are like, I want to be on the side of the black women.

01:28:52.000 They were even organized.

01:28:53.000 I had a woman in here, her name was Renee DiResta, and she spent an incredible amount of time analyzing this stuff.

01:28:59.000 And it has all this data and like hundreds of thousands of posts and millions of interactions and all these different, like really can shift the narrative on things.

01:29:09.000 And it's all this fucking troll farm in Russia where people are getting hired to pretend like Muslims and Texas separatists.

01:29:19.000 They put together these organizations across the street from each other.

01:29:22.000 So the Texas separatists and this Muslim group, and they're both organized by these fake internet research agency people that are working in Russia.

01:29:29.000 And they put their fucking protests right across the street from each other.

01:29:33.000 Look at that.

01:29:34.000 And so they're fighting with each other.

01:29:35.000 They must be having a blast watching that shit go down.

01:29:38.000 Well, also, they're funny.

01:29:39.000 That's what's really funny.

01:29:40.000 They're memes.

01:29:41.000 The memes they make are really funny.

01:29:43.000 Like, they made some fucking killer memes that were legitimately hilarious.

01:29:47.000 And she was talking about, she's like, I'm telling you, I was laughing really hard at a lot of these memes.

01:29:52.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:29:53.000 Oh, man, what a kooky world we're living in.

01:29:55.000 And I don't even want to dive into it because it bothers me.

01:29:59.000 It's weird.

01:29:59.000 But I think it's important to talk about.

01:30:01.000 I guess so.

01:30:02.000 I think it's important to talk about like this on a podcast because it lets people know like, oh, that's what's happening.

01:30:06.000 And so you know what else people do?

01:30:08.000 They have these accounts that they use for a long period of time as a fake account.

01:30:13.000 So they'll even put fake photographs up or they'll put a cartoon picture up and then they'll use it to quote about random shit.

01:30:19.000 They'll tweet about Star Wars and the weather and oh my god, global warming is real.

01:30:24.000 Can you believe this?

01:30:25.000 They'll retweet interesting articles And they just do this to try to give it the illusion that it's a real person.

01:30:32.000 And they'll have 80 of those.

01:30:34.000 And this is all a company.

01:30:36.000 So if you have a media corporation that is designed in the company, what they do is they make these media campaigns on social media.

01:30:47.000 They organize campaigns to push a narrative.

01:30:50.000 They'll have these things just like a company would have assets.

01:30:54.000 They have these accounts.

01:30:55.000 They'll have fake accounts.

01:30:56.000 And it's not illegal.

01:30:57.000 I don't know.

01:31:03.000 I don't know.

01:31:19.000 It seems like it's doing more harm than good.

01:31:22.000 Well, it's doing good and it's doing harm.

01:31:24.000 Where it does really good is in, like, I mean, Arab Spring.

01:31:28.000 You know, a lot of the stuff that happens overseas, like these people, one of the only ways they can get the news out, because the news is locked down in their country, one of the only ways they can get the news out is through social media.

01:31:39.000 And sometimes even through a virtual private network.

01:31:42.000 Right.

01:31:43.000 You know, they have to use a VPN to go and...

01:31:46.000 Arab Spring.

01:31:47.000 The worst soap of all time.

01:31:50.000 That's the one that you can cut into, the Irish Spring one.

01:31:52.000 I always wanted to cut into that because of the commercial.

01:31:54.000 Cutting soap is fun.

01:31:56.000 That's how people learn to carve wood sometimes.

01:31:57.000 They use soap as a little practice.

01:32:00.000 Yeah.

01:32:01.000 I don't understand body wash.

01:32:03.000 Do you do body wash?

01:32:04.000 What?

01:32:04.000 I don't trust it.

01:32:05.000 Come on, man.

01:32:06.000 I don't do cologne either.

01:32:07.000 Well, cologne is weird.

01:32:09.000 That's deep and weird.

01:32:10.000 I don't get guys who do cologne.

01:32:12.000 What is body wash?

01:32:13.000 Is it soap?

01:32:13.000 The liquid.

01:32:14.000 But is it soap?

01:32:15.000 It's soap.

01:32:16.000 You usually put on a loofah.

01:32:17.000 Oh.

01:32:18.000 But I don't do it.

01:32:19.000 I'm not opposed to it.

01:32:20.000 I like the bar.

01:32:21.000 Yeah, give me the bar.

01:32:22.000 Do you know, different ethnicities...

01:32:26.000 I know where you're going.

01:32:27.000 White people are weird.

01:32:28.000 Yes, I was just going to go in there.

01:32:31.000 My black friends get mad at me because I don't have a washcloth.

01:32:33.000 Yeah, a lot of, not just black, but Latinos as well.

01:32:36.000 Oh, is that right?

01:32:36.000 I don't have any Latino friends.

01:32:38.000 They like washcloths, and they think white people are disgusting.

01:32:41.000 You just use soap, and then, you know, your wife goes in later, and she uses the soap, and then your fucking kid's using the soap.

01:32:46.000 Oh, yeah.

01:32:47.000 Hey!

01:32:47.000 What are we doing here?

01:32:48.000 I mean, I got that soap up my ass and everything.

01:32:50.000 Bumping uglies.

01:32:51.000 Yeah, but that...

01:32:52.000 It's also a weird one when you're showering with a lady.

01:32:54.000 You remember you're showering with your girlfriend when it was new?

01:32:57.000 Yeah.

01:32:57.000 And fucking in the shower, and then you gotta wash your ass?

01:32:59.000 That was always a weird moment.

01:33:00.000 That's a weird moment.

01:33:01.000 Yeah.

01:33:02.000 And when you...

01:33:02.000 If you try to have sex in the shower, like, who gets the water?

01:33:05.000 Like, where do we stand?

01:33:06.000 Yeah, I'm cold over here.

01:33:07.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:33:08.000 Especially New York, right?

01:33:09.000 Right.

01:33:09.000 Also, the water will...

01:33:12.000 Ruin the lube, if you will.

01:33:15.000 The natural lube.

01:33:16.000 Yes.

01:33:17.000 Yeah, it gets it all...

01:33:17.000 Rinses it away.

01:33:18.000 A little too much friction.

01:33:19.000 It's like you're trying to slide down a slide and your ass cheek keeps hitting the plastic.

01:33:23.000 Right.

01:33:24.000 Right.

01:33:24.000 You want to pull your shorts down a little bit so you can get a little more slipperiness in the slide.

01:33:30.000 Ah, shower sex is the worst.

01:33:32.000 Yeah, it's like a good idea.

01:33:33.000 I think Ari used to have a bit about it.

01:33:34.000 It's a good idea on paper.

01:33:36.000 Right.

01:33:37.000 But in practice, it's not really the best move.

01:33:39.000 Yeah, are you losing libido there?

01:33:41.000 Because you're what, 61?

01:33:42.000 52. Ah, shit.

01:33:44.000 But I'm on testosterone.

01:33:45.000 I take testosterone replacement, so I'm not losing shit.

01:33:48.000 You're still horny?

01:33:49.000 Oh, all the time, yeah.

01:33:50.000 Oh, okay.

01:33:51.000 Yeah, I have my testosterone levels are basically what they should be if I was 30. Right.

01:33:56.000 It's basically the same.

01:33:56.000 I don't get crazy with it.

01:33:58.000 I'm still horny, but now that I'm with a lady, I'm glad because I don't have the energy to do the small talk.

01:34:06.000 I still want to bang, but that whole, like, out of bullshit!

01:34:10.000 I can't do it!

01:34:11.000 It's brutal!

01:34:12.000 That's the hard part to me.

01:34:14.000 Well, that's the part about being single.

01:34:17.000 It's not necessarily deceptive, but you are definitely putting on a little bit of an act.

01:34:23.000 Of course, of course.

01:34:24.000 You're polishing up the old turd.

01:34:25.000 Yeah, because we're a bunch of retard apes.

01:34:29.000 You're just thinking, like, how long, [...

01:34:33.000 When can we fuck?

01:34:34.000 And the girls, they're not dumb.

01:34:36.000 They know that.

01:34:36.000 They're going, all right, he wants to fuck now, but I'm going to get more food out of him and drinks.

01:34:41.000 You know what's the most depressing thing about being single?

01:34:43.000 After you came, you'd be like, what did I do?

01:34:45.000 Oh, dude.

01:34:46.000 I've got to get out of here.

01:34:47.000 Story of my life.

01:34:48.000 What?

01:34:48.000 Yeah, I went on a real tear and that was, every morning was just like, oh, I gotta make some changes.

01:34:53.000 Well, you start thinking that you really are into this person until you come.

01:34:57.000 And then you're like, no.

01:34:59.000 Makes you realize biology is a motherfucker.

01:35:02.000 Like, it knows what it's doing.

01:35:03.000 Talk about deceptive.

01:35:04.000 Holy shit.

01:35:05.000 Well, Brett Weinstein was explaining this to me.

01:35:08.000 He's a biologist.

01:35:09.000 And he was explaining to me that there's different strategies for mating that biology has set up for us.

01:35:16.000 And there's two different types of women that are attractive to men.

01:35:21.000 He was like, there's beautiful, and then there's hot.

01:35:24.000 And there's a difference.

01:35:25.000 And what beautiful is, is someone who has good genetics.

01:35:29.000 She seems like she has a pleasant demeanor.

01:35:31.000 You like her personality.

01:35:32.000 You really want to be around her.

01:35:34.000 Right.

01:35:35.000 Right.

01:35:58.000 And like a little short little thing and her belly's showing.

01:36:01.000 She's like, hey boys!

01:36:02.000 She's letting you know there's not a whole lot of game here.

01:36:05.000 Right.

01:36:05.000 You can get right to it.

01:36:07.000 Yeah.

01:36:07.000 And then if you shoot one in there and make a baby, it's like you can spread those genes very quickly.

01:36:13.000 So throughout humanity, like throughout the evolution of the human animal, that has probably been a strategy that evolved.

01:36:19.000 So like women that maybe their personality sucks or maybe they're abused so they don't have high self-esteem.

01:36:26.000 Ah.

01:36:27.000 So they feel like the best way to definitely get attention without making sure that a man works for it, because they don't feel like they're valuable enough, right?

01:36:35.000 So they'll wear skimpy clothes and they'll slut it up.

01:36:38.000 Why do you think it is that a lady is so bummed out after the bang?

01:36:45.000 Like, if you want to leave.

01:36:46.000 Because you pretend that you're so into her, and you think you're so into her.

01:36:50.000 And then as soon as you come, she's like, oh, he's gonna hate me now.

01:36:52.000 He wants to leave.

01:36:53.000 Because that feeling, when you come, if you're not really into a girl, and you got tricked by your own dick, and then after you orgasm, you're like, what the fuck?

01:37:02.000 That feeling, which...

01:37:03.000 Every guy knows.

01:37:05.000 I know.

01:37:05.000 It's natural.

01:37:06.000 If you don't know it, I don't understand you.

01:37:08.000 Of course.

01:37:08.000 Well, that's why it's annoying when women go, oh, men are such pigs.

01:37:10.000 Like, this is how I'm wired.

01:37:11.000 Like, you can't shoot me.

01:37:12.000 That's like me going, hey, you bleeding weirdo.

01:37:14.000 Like, no, that's just how your body's made.

01:37:16.000 This is how my body's made.

01:37:17.000 Why can't you sympathize?

01:37:18.000 Men pretend they want more.

01:37:19.000 No, we actually think we want more.

01:37:21.000 We do.

01:37:21.000 We do think it, yeah.

01:37:22.000 Until you come.

01:37:23.000 And then you're like, ugh.

01:37:24.000 I've been in love all night.

01:37:26.000 I'm like, this is the best woman on earth.

01:37:27.000 And then all the interest just shoots out of you.

01:37:30.000 But how about this, ladies?

01:37:32.000 And this is going to be controversial, but look, I hang out with you.

01:37:36.000 We're not fucking.

01:37:37.000 Why don't you bring it?

01:37:38.000 Like, give me some knock-knocks or something.

01:37:40.000 Right, give me some jokes.

01:37:41.000 Give me some jokes!

01:37:42.000 Give me something to work with.

01:37:43.000 Yeah, like, all you showed me was, like, I chased you for five hours all night, you know, trying to win you over, trying to be funny, trying to be interesting.

01:37:50.000 Why don't you spin it now?

01:37:52.000 Why don't you win me over?

01:37:53.000 Right, right, right.

01:37:54.000 You're kind of, in a way, you're kind of saying, like...

01:37:57.000 Sex is my only thing.

01:37:58.000 No, but there's a lot of funny, interesting, cool ladies out there, so throw that at me.

01:38:03.000 Be one of those.

01:38:03.000 Yeah, be one of those.

01:38:04.000 Be one of those, yeah.

01:38:05.000 But, you know, there's a lot of boring dudes, too, so...

01:38:07.000 Well, there are a lot of people.

01:38:09.000 It's just boring people.

01:38:10.000 Yeah, there's a lot of people that are boring.

01:38:12.000 Male and female.

01:38:13.000 Of course.

01:38:13.000 I couldn't imagine being a girl and having some boring-ass fucking dude trying to stick his hog in you.

01:38:18.000 Ugh.

01:38:19.000 Gotta be brutal.

01:38:19.000 Ugh.

01:38:20.000 Everywhere you go, and then saying, hey, you know, you should probably smile a little.

01:38:23.000 Make you look better.

01:38:25.000 I hate that move.

01:38:26.000 Has that ever worked?

01:38:27.000 I don't know.

01:38:27.000 Maybe must have.

01:38:28.000 Guys who do that, they make us look bad.

01:38:30.000 A really dumb guy and a dumber girl?

01:38:33.000 Yeah, maybe it would work.

01:38:34.000 Oh, I'm sorry.

01:38:35.000 Sometimes I'm self-conscious about my smile.

01:38:38.000 Oh, you got a beautiful smile.

01:38:39.000 You think so?

01:38:40.000 Yeah.

01:38:41.000 Oh, okay, thanks.

01:38:43.000 Yeah, like those two are made for each other.

01:38:44.000 You guys deserve your both idiots.

01:38:46.000 They really should both go into the woods and get eaten by wolves.

01:38:48.000 That's what should happen.

01:38:49.000 If we really were trying to make a better human race, there'd be more variables.

01:38:54.000 There'd be more traps.

01:38:56.000 That's true, that's true, but we gotta be nice, you know?

01:38:59.000 Well, we should be nice.

01:39:00.000 We should be nice.

01:39:01.000 But sometimes I think it's just genes.

01:39:04.000 Like sometimes people just have knucklehead genes.

01:39:07.000 Right.

01:39:07.000 Well, yeah.

01:39:07.000 Sometimes I see people, like, you know, you're walking down the sidewalk, you can see in somebody's living room, and they're 8,000 pounds, they're watching Two and a Half Men, they got a bowl of Cheetos and a beer, and you're like, you're kind of a waste of life.

01:39:18.000 Like, no offense.

01:39:18.000 You deserve life, you have a right to live, but I'm out here trying to write jokes, and I'm driving from gig to gig, I'm doing pods, I'm going gay, whatever it is, at least I'm trying something.

01:39:28.000 At least I have a little ambition.

01:39:29.000 You're moving.

01:39:30.000 You're out there experiencing life.

01:39:32.000 Yeah, even if you send a tweet out, at least, like, you put something into the world, even though it could be horrible.

01:39:36.000 But, like, this guy, I'm just like, you're just waiting to die.

01:39:39.000 You're just counting the minutes till you go.

01:39:41.000 There's something about, like...

01:39:42.000 And then they have kids!

01:39:43.000 And then you're like, now you brought even more shit into the world!

01:39:46.000 Ah, my God, I hate myself.

01:39:48.000 I'm sorry.

01:39:48.000 It's okay, you're alright.

01:39:50.000 But like, you know, you see you're a dad of nine or whatever, and then...

01:39:54.000 I have 80 kids.

01:39:54.000 80 kids?

01:39:55.000 That's a lot of testosterone you're putting in you.

01:39:58.000 Shooting loads all over the place.

01:40:00.000 But yeah, so you probably teach your kids, like, hey, make something with your life.

01:40:04.000 Yeah, well, they can only use electronics for a certain amount of time during the day.

01:40:08.000 Good for you!

01:40:08.000 They, um...

01:40:09.000 You know, and they're involved in activities.

01:40:11.000 They play sports.

01:40:12.000 They do things.

01:40:13.000 I think you've got to do stuff with them, too, and also they have to see that you're doing stuff.

01:40:18.000 Yes, yes.

01:40:18.000 As a parent, like, one of the things that kids get out of you is that they see you live by example.

01:40:24.000 Yes.

01:40:24.000 That's important.

01:40:25.000 Totally.

01:40:26.000 And then on the flip side, though, I get selfish, and I go, well, it's a good thing this fat cunt is sitting in a bark lounder all night, because now I get to go and do something with my life, and he's not in my way.

01:40:35.000 That, and you also feel better.

01:40:37.000 You know, you come home from a hard day of getting after it, and you see that fat slob sitting in front of the TV laughing really hard at Big Bang Theory, and you're like, oh, okay, buddy, I'm fucking better than you!

01:40:50.000 You hate to say it, but...

01:40:52.000 You do hate to say it, but...

01:40:53.000 That's why, like, sometimes I think us being, we're under six foot.

01:40:56.000 And isn't that a bummer?

01:40:57.000 Wouldn't you love to be six foot?

01:40:59.000 I don't know, man.

01:41:00.000 Come on!

01:41:00.000 I think something about me being short has helped me be more ambitious.

01:41:03.000 That's what I'm saying!

01:41:04.000 That's what I'm saying.

01:41:05.000 It makes you push.

01:41:06.000 There's probably a benefit to it.

01:41:07.000 Right, right.

01:41:08.000 You want it.

01:41:09.000 That's why, like, that sounds bad, but ugly people are funny.

01:41:13.000 A lot of ugly people are funny.

01:41:14.000 You gotta bring it.

01:41:15.000 They did some study where kids trust ugly people less.

01:41:19.000 So it's not just being shallow, it's kind of innate.

01:41:22.000 Oh yeah, well imagine being a woman who has terrible genetics, and there's probably someone listening to it right now, and it's not a goddamn thing you can do about that.

01:41:32.000 Yeah, it's not your fault.

01:41:32.000 You got a giant Fred Flintstone head.

01:41:34.000 Sure.

01:41:34.000 You're trying to make your way through this life with a football player's body.

01:41:37.000 Oh, yeah.

01:41:38.000 You got some moles on you.

01:41:39.000 Oh, you got everything wrong.

01:41:41.000 Yeah.

01:41:41.000 Your hair's falling out.

01:41:42.000 You're like, shit.

01:41:43.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:41:43.000 You got stubby fingers.

01:41:44.000 Bad jowls.

01:41:45.000 You know, you got the turkey neck.

01:41:46.000 Everything.

01:41:46.000 Weird elbows.

01:41:47.000 And you're just out there just trying to get after it.

01:41:49.000 Yeah.

01:41:50.000 And nobody wants it.

01:41:50.000 Yeah, that's why I love an ugly lady who's horny.

01:41:53.000 That's your favorite?

01:41:54.000 I'm not saying to bang.

01:41:56.000 I mean, I have.

01:41:57.000 But I love an ugly, horny lady because I feel like we have a lot in common.

01:42:01.000 I have a buddy of mine and his favorite is a girl with kind of a mugsy face but a killer body.

01:42:05.000 Oh!

01:42:06.000 He's like, those gals go to work.

01:42:07.000 That hits a nerve in a guy because it's attainable and she's probably got normal self-esteem.

01:42:12.000 She's not entitled.

01:42:14.000 She's at the gym ever.

01:42:14.000 Every day, all day, just fucking doing squats.

01:42:18.000 Yeah, it's the same with meathead boring guys who are like, I gotta get some traps because I got no skills talking-wise.

01:42:26.000 Yeah, just find some dingbat chick and shoot those fucking loads into her.

01:42:30.000 Yeah, you hope that all those groups meet.

01:42:33.000 Like, you dumb workout guy.

01:42:34.000 And then they get hit by an asteroid.

01:42:35.000 Yeah, or that.

01:42:36.000 Or on the spot.

01:42:37.000 Yeah.

01:42:38.000 Yeah, I mean, but sometimes those dingbats have kids and those kids go, God damn, my parents are fucking stupid.

01:42:44.000 I'm going to do something with my life.

01:42:45.000 That's a good point.

01:42:46.000 That happens a lot.

01:42:46.000 I know a lot of really fucking smart people who have idiots for parents.

01:42:50.000 That's a good point, yeah.

01:42:51.000 Thank God for those people.

01:42:53.000 Yeah, I think that's, you know, that whole expression?

01:42:55.000 Like, hard times make hard men.

01:42:58.000 Hard men make easy times.

01:43:00.000 Easy times make weak men.

01:43:01.000 I'm hard.

01:43:02.000 I'm hard.

01:43:03.000 I think...

01:43:05.000 There's something to that.

01:43:06.000 We're synced up.

01:43:06.000 Like, fucked up parents make interesting kids.

01:43:09.000 Sometimes.

01:43:10.000 Not all the time.

01:43:11.000 Not all the time.

01:43:11.000 Yeah, it's not like a pedophile, where if I touch your kid, he'll be a pedophile.

01:43:15.000 That's a weird one, right?

01:43:16.000 Isn't that crazy?

01:43:16.000 It's like vampires.

01:43:17.000 Yeah, that's apparently a big one with priests.

01:43:21.000 Oh!

01:43:22.000 They did this thing about how many priests who molest kids were actually molested by priests, and it's very high.

01:43:28.000 That is wild, dude.

01:43:29.000 It's horrible.

01:43:29.000 Yeah, you'd think.

01:43:30.000 Like, I'd go the other way.

01:43:31.000 Yeah, you would think you'd learn some horrible thing happened to you.

01:43:34.000 You don't ever want that to happen to someone else.

01:43:36.000 But it just shows how fucking crazy kid fucking gets into a kid's psyche.

01:43:41.000 Like, it messes you up.

01:43:43.000 It breaks everything.

01:43:44.000 Yeah.

01:43:44.000 Because you're in this, you know, and also you've, like, lost your trust in adults.

01:43:48.000 And then a lot of girls, when they get molested when they're young, they become hyper-sexualized.

01:43:53.000 And they try to use their sex to get attention, like, deep into their life.

01:43:56.000 Sure.

01:43:56.000 Like, a lot of porn stars, I think.

01:43:57.000 A lot of porn stars.

01:43:58.000 Diddled.

01:43:59.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:43:59.000 Yikes.

01:44:00.000 But then there's also the Oprahs of the world, the Michael Jackson, the Tyler Perry.

01:44:06.000 These people are all diddled.

01:44:07.000 And look at them!

01:44:08.000 They use their diddle anger into greatness.

01:44:11.000 Sure.

01:44:11.000 Yeah, it's not standard.

01:44:13.000 It's not like everybody who gets molested.

01:44:16.000 It's like when you get bullied, you can channel your rage into getting better at something.

01:44:20.000 Have you seen...

01:44:21.000 Do you watch TV at all?

01:44:22.000 Oh yeah, I love TV. Do you watch The Outsider on HBO? I keep hearing how great it is.

01:44:26.000 Joe List told me it was amazing.

01:44:27.000 Fuck, I watched episode four last night.

01:44:29.000 Fucking A, that show's good.

01:44:31.000 Is it horror?

01:44:31.000 I don't like horror.

01:44:32.000 It is horror, yeah.

01:44:33.000 Ah, shit.

01:44:34.000 But it's...

01:44:34.000 I don't want to give away too much.

01:44:36.000 It's a mystery.

01:44:38.000 It's Jason...

01:44:40.000 Biggs?

01:44:41.000 Bateman.

01:44:42.000 Bateman, thank you.

01:44:42.000 He's good.

01:44:43.000 He's in everything.

01:44:44.000 He's amazing.

01:44:45.000 He's amazing in Ozark.

01:44:47.000 Yeah, I love Ozark.

01:44:48.000 I finished that in two days.

01:44:49.000 Ozark's so good.

01:44:50.000 That show's so good.

01:44:51.000 This is like that, but I don't want to give away too much.

01:44:55.000 It's horror mystery.

01:44:57.000 Alright.

01:44:58.000 It's fucking good, man.

01:44:59.000 I'll check it out.

01:45:00.000 I mean, there's not a moment in that show so far where I've been like, what?

01:45:03.000 It's Stephen King, right?

01:45:04.000 Yes.

01:45:05.000 He's a beast.

01:45:06.000 Stephen King.

01:45:06.000 How many books has that guy read?

01:45:08.000 Fun fact.

01:45:09.000 What in the fuck?

01:45:10.000 Stephen King grew up poor in Maine, and his dad did the old cigarette move and never came back.

01:45:15.000 Going out for a pack of smokes, fatty, and I'll see you in hell.

01:45:18.000 Never came back.

01:45:19.000 Wow.

01:45:19.000 And look at him.

01:45:20.000 Greatness.

01:45:21.000 You gotta channel it, folks.

01:45:23.000 Have you ever read Stephen King on writing?

01:45:25.000 No.

01:45:25.000 Fantastic book.

01:45:26.000 Oh, I'd like to.

01:45:27.000 It's fantastic.

01:45:28.000 It's all his process for writing, and all the different things he's gone through while he was writing, and a lot of the books he wrote, amazing ones.

01:45:38.000 Yeah.

01:45:38.000 Like Cujo, he doesn't even remember writing it.

01:45:41.000 Wow!

01:45:42.000 Just fucked up on coke and booze.

01:45:44.000 Is that right?

01:45:44.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:45:45.000 Just finding an empty case in his writing room.

01:45:48.000 Yeah.

01:45:49.000 Coke everywhere.

01:45:50.000 Wow!

01:45:50.000 And just writes this amazing book.

01:45:52.000 That makes me like him more.

01:45:53.000 I didn't take him for a Coke hit.

01:45:55.000 I think Carrie was the first one that he sold.

01:45:57.000 Was it Carrie or Christine?

01:45:58.000 Carrie.

01:45:59.000 I think it was Carrie.

01:45:59.000 Carrie was the first one he sold.

01:46:00.000 And he just, right out of the bat, they're like, holy fuck, what is this guy doing?

01:46:04.000 And he was just boozing and smoking.

01:46:06.000 Wow!

01:46:07.000 And smoking a ton of cigarettes, too.

01:46:09.000 Yeah, that's apparently, he said that was one of the big bummers when he quit smoking cigarettes is that cigarettes apparently positively affect...

01:46:17.000 It juices you up.

01:46:18.000 Yeah, it juices up his neurons.

01:46:21.000 The firing of the neurons.

01:46:23.000 Yeah.

01:46:24.000 I've had a cigarette before I go on stage before.

01:46:26.000 Oh, yeah?

01:46:27.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:46:27.000 You know, Hinchcliffe used to smoke cigarettes.

01:46:31.000 Now he just does the vape thing.

01:46:33.000 And one time I was like, give me one of those.

01:46:35.000 Just let me try it.

01:46:35.000 Yeah.

01:46:36.000 Like, right before I went, I was like, whoa, you get juiced up.

01:46:38.000 And then I did it with Chappelle.

01:46:39.000 When Chappelle and I, we did a couple of arenas.

01:46:41.000 Yeah, but that's one of the reasons why.

01:46:44.000 Interesting.

01:46:44.000 It fires up your brain.

01:46:45.000 Uh-huh.

01:46:46.000 In a very unusual way.

01:46:47.000 And I think probably more so for someone who doesn't smoke.

01:46:49.000 Of course.

01:46:50.000 Because you're not chasing the dragon.

01:46:52.000 You just get in the rush.

01:46:53.000 Would the gum work?

01:46:53.000 Yeah.

01:46:54.000 Or does it have to be the cig?

01:46:55.000 I don't know.

01:46:55.000 I've tried the gum.

01:46:56.000 It didn't do much for me.

01:46:58.000 Cigars work.

01:46:59.000 That's too much.

01:47:00.000 I've smoked cigars every now and then.

01:47:01.000 Halfway through, I always go, I've got to stop.

01:47:03.000 You almost throw up, right?

01:47:04.000 Yeah, you almost throw up.

01:47:06.000 It gets me cloudy a little bit.

01:47:08.000 My anxiety goes up.

01:47:09.000 It definitely gets your anxiety up.

01:47:11.000 You smoke weed a lot.

01:47:12.000 I'm such a lightweight when it comes to the ganja.

01:47:16.000 All the negative goes up and the good goes down.

01:47:19.000 You might have some demons.

01:47:21.000 I hate myself.

01:47:22.000 No one likes you.

01:47:23.000 You're gay.

01:47:24.000 Whatever it is.

01:47:25.000 So it all escalates.

01:47:27.000 Well, there's good things.

01:47:28.000 None of those things are true.

01:47:29.000 So just smoke more weed and just deal with life.

01:47:32.000 But I can't live like it.

01:47:33.000 It eats me alive.

01:47:34.000 It's too strong.

01:47:35.000 The voices are too powerful.

01:47:37.000 Yeah.

01:47:37.000 I like those voices.

01:47:39.000 I like them.

01:47:39.000 They teach you things.

01:47:40.000 They teach you things that are fucking with you.

01:47:42.000 They teach you what's bothering you.

01:47:43.000 That's what I like.

01:47:44.000 But I can't win.

01:47:46.000 I can't beat them.

01:47:47.000 I understand.

01:47:48.000 Like, when I'm hungover, oh my god.

01:47:50.000 It's not just physical pain, it's like, I can't, the phone rings and I'm like, I can't do it!

01:47:55.000 I can't face it!

01:47:56.000 It's horrible!

01:47:57.000 I gotta work on that.

01:47:58.000 Well, maybe not.

01:47:59.000 You know, everybody's different.

01:48:01.000 Like, some people have a really adverse reaction to coffee.

01:48:04.000 Caffeine really fucks them up.

01:48:05.000 Yeah, some people just can't drink coffee.

01:48:07.000 Oh, I love coffee.

01:48:07.000 And some people can't smoke weed.

01:48:09.000 Like, we're all fucked.

01:48:10.000 So different.

01:48:11.000 So different, yeah.

01:48:12.000 I have friends, one drink, and they get fucking gerbilized, and they're off to the races.

01:48:16.000 Wow.

01:48:16.000 You don't even know where they are.

01:48:17.000 They're gone.

01:48:18.000 And now, you know, Mike's gone, and this is a fucking shell that looks like Mike with fucking shark eyes, and they're just running around with no soul.

01:48:26.000 It's like their soul leaves through their ears.

01:48:28.000 Yes.

01:48:28.000 Ooh!

01:48:29.000 Flies away.

01:48:30.000 Alcohol is so underestimated, or under whatever, because we...

01:48:33.000 I'll have four drinks, and I'm like, I notice I'm knocking a mailbox off out of a car with a baseball bat.

01:48:38.000 I'm like, how'd I get here?

01:48:39.000 Yeah.

01:48:40.000 I don't feel any guilt about it.

01:48:41.000 But if he was sober, he'd be like, shit, somebody's coming.

01:48:44.000 We're going to get caught.

01:48:44.000 We're going to get on film.

01:48:45.000 Oh, dude, especially if you're doing many shots.

01:48:48.000 If you're with buddies and you're like, come on, pussy, one more, one more.

01:48:52.000 Let's do it.

01:48:53.000 And you're eight, nine drinks in.

01:48:56.000 You're like, you're gone.

01:48:57.000 You're not even there anymore.

01:48:58.000 It's also crazy to think from 13 to 31, I was drunk the whole time.

01:49:02.000 13?

01:49:03.000 Oh, I've been from New Orleans, man.

01:49:05.000 We just got after it early.

01:49:06.000 And it was just part of the culture.

01:49:07.000 Your dad would hand you a Miller High Life, you know, and say, shut up and drink this.

01:49:11.000 Really?

01:49:11.000 Yeah, it was a fun time.

01:49:13.000 I mean, I lost my virginity to a prostitute.

01:49:15.000 I grew up eight blocks from the French Quarter.

01:49:17.000 I went to public school.

01:49:18.000 It was bananas out there.

01:49:20.000 Yeah, we talked about your transgender nanny that was taking care of you, too.

01:49:24.000 You got that right.

01:49:25.000 Beating up people for taking your bike.

01:49:26.000 Yeah, that's right.

01:49:27.000 That's a great story.

01:49:28.000 I tried to sell.

01:49:28.000 I'm pitching all this shit, and nobody wants it.

01:49:31.000 Really?

01:49:32.000 I've pitched 15 shows.

01:49:32.000 Jeffrey Tambor was out of a job, and he was really good on that other one.

01:49:34.000 He was good, yeah.

01:49:35.000 He's a beast.

01:49:36.000 He got in trouble with the real transgender people.

01:49:39.000 I heard, I heard.

01:49:40.000 Most trans people I've met are pretty cool, and they don't want to be coddled.

01:49:45.000 We think, oh, easy.

01:49:48.000 You know what's weird?

01:49:49.000 We're not really helpful to midgets.

01:49:51.000 Have you noticed that?

01:49:52.000 I don't think you're supposed to say that anymore.

01:49:53.000 Oh, what do you call them?

01:49:57.000 Small people.

01:49:58.000 Small people?

01:49:59.000 Little people.

01:50:00.000 Sorry.

01:50:00.000 I mean, I'm friends with a couple.

01:50:03.000 Littles.

01:50:04.000 But I don't know.

01:50:05.000 How do you shorten little people?

01:50:07.000 LPs?

01:50:07.000 Yeah, LPs.

01:50:08.000 All right.

01:50:09.000 And we're standard play.

01:50:10.000 They're little.

01:50:12.000 But yeah, they're all good eggs and they don't get any help.

01:50:16.000 Like no one's shortening anything.

01:50:18.000 Like nothing on earth is designed for them.

01:50:20.000 That's true.

01:50:20.000 And yet we don't...

01:50:21.000 Like, toilets are still tall, and they gotta jump up there.

01:50:25.000 But trans, we help with the toilet.

01:50:26.000 And I'm saying, that's great, we accommodate, but why don't we ever help them?

01:50:30.000 Isn't that strange?

01:50:30.000 What do you think there's more of?

01:50:32.000 Oh, there's gotta be more midge.

01:50:33.000 Not anymore.

01:50:35.000 I don't know.

01:50:35.000 Trans is becoming really chic.

01:50:37.000 Yeah, but midge, you can't pick.

01:50:39.000 Right.

01:50:40.000 Well, I don't know if trans is...

01:50:41.000 You can't fake it.

01:50:42.000 You can't fake a midge.

01:50:44.000 Interesting.

01:50:45.000 Can you say midge?

01:50:46.000 It's a name.

01:50:47.000 Yeah.

01:50:48.000 It's tricky, though.

01:50:49.000 It's like calling a white guy with a backwards baseball hat a wigger.

01:50:53.000 Right.

01:50:53.000 It's like, I don't know if you...

01:50:54.000 That sounds too much like bigger.

01:50:59.000 What about Tigger in Winnie the Pooh?

01:51:00.000 He could jump high, he was loud.

01:51:02.000 You know, Winnie the Pooh is all about an acid trip.

01:51:05.000 No, they say that about everything.

01:51:06.000 The ride.

01:51:07.000 Come on.

01:51:07.000 Go on the ride.

01:51:08.000 The ride?

01:51:09.000 Yeah, the ride at Disneyland.

01:51:10.000 That sounds like the worst ride of all time.

01:51:12.000 It's basically an acid trip.

01:51:14.000 I remember one of the times I did it, I went through Disneyland High as fuck, and I was on the ride, I was like, oh, this is Winnie the Pooh's, he's on acid.

01:51:24.000 Like, there's all these visuals, and everything becomes psychedelic, and the colors are weird.

01:51:29.000 Really?

01:51:29.000 Yeah, see if you can get a video of the Winnie the Pooh ride.

01:51:32.000 No, I'm telling you.

01:51:32.000 Alice in Wonderland, I'll get.

01:51:34.000 Alright, there's mushrooms, there's talking cats and shit.

01:51:36.000 No, something happens during the ride, and you go, like, Winnie the Pooh goes into Dreamland, Oh, I don't know about the dreamland.

01:51:45.000 When he goes to the dreamland, you're basically on acid.

01:51:47.000 You're going through an acid trip.

01:51:48.000 It just feels like he's mellow.

01:51:50.000 He's eating honey.

01:51:51.000 He's got no pants.

01:51:53.000 Doesn't feel acid-y.

01:51:54.000 Well, watch this.

01:51:55.000 See?

01:51:55.000 There's the Winnie the Pooh ride.

01:51:57.000 This is a Disney World?

01:51:58.000 Yeah.

01:51:59.000 Disneyland.

01:52:00.000 This is out here.

01:52:01.000 Okay.

01:52:01.000 So you go through, everything's normal.

01:52:03.000 All right.

01:52:04.000 And then as you're going through, not really.

01:52:06.000 This is just pretty.

01:52:07.000 Okay.

01:52:07.000 Everything's lights, and yeah, you're on this little fucking thing, and you're on your little roller coaster ride.

01:52:12.000 And oh, here's Winnie.

01:52:13.000 All right.

01:52:14.000 And he's floating around with a balloon.

01:52:15.000 It's kind of a cool ride.

01:52:16.000 You know what was great?

01:52:17.000 Good colors.

01:52:17.000 When my daughters were really young, they liked this.

01:52:20.000 Oh, so pretty.

01:52:21.000 Very pretty.

01:52:22.000 And you're going through, and there's Eeyore, and then there's that other pig.

01:52:26.000 Mm-hmm.

01:52:26.000 I don't know who the fuck that is.

01:52:27.000 Piglet.

01:52:28.000 And so then you go through, a bunch of shit happens, and give me a little fast forward here because it's going to be boring.

01:52:34.000 Yeah, this is the worst trip ever.

01:52:35.000 Isn't that LSD honey?

01:52:36.000 Isn't that like a way?

01:52:37.000 I think that's what it is.

01:52:38.000 Well, there's that Nepal honey, that psychedelic honey.

01:52:41.000 Maybe that's what it is.

01:52:42.000 Give me a little fast forward.

01:52:43.000 It is a little trippy.

01:52:44.000 Oh, what was that?

01:52:46.000 That's it.

01:52:46.000 That's the trip.

01:52:47.000 So right there.

01:52:48.000 So what happens before that trip?

01:52:49.000 Find out what happens right before that, Jamie.

01:52:51.000 Something happens.

01:52:52.000 Yeah, see, because he's floating around.

01:52:54.000 Watch.

01:52:55.000 So Winnie the Pooh is sitting there, and all of a sudden he floats out of his head.

01:53:00.000 And look, he's floating like he's fucking tripping balls.

01:53:04.000 And then as the thing goes, it goes black, and then you see Winnie floating, and then boom, you're in psychedelic land.

01:53:13.000 Everything is weird and whacked out, and there's jack-in-the-box heads with big tongues, and everything is neon psychedelic colors, and the world's melting, and it's honey, and honey spelled phonetically correctly.

01:53:26.000 I see it now.

01:53:27.000 It's got a little, what's that, fear and loathing.

01:53:29.000 It's DMT. This is like a DMT trip.

01:53:31.000 That's what it's like.

01:53:32.000 All these psychedelic things, you're seeing this is about as close to creating some sort of a psychedelic hallucinogenic trip in a kid's ride, as you can get away with without getting arrested.

01:53:43.000 See, I thought you meant the actual cartoon and story.

01:53:46.000 No, no, no, no, no.

01:53:46.000 But this, I see.

01:53:47.000 Yeah, it's like, they're doing something.

01:53:50.000 Oh, yeah.

01:53:50.000 Like, why is he tripping balls?

01:53:53.000 You're a millionaire, and that's the way you spend your time.

01:53:55.000 Just reminding me, I didn't show it to you yet, there's a VR, I don't think it's a game, but I think it's like a VR experience if they have multiple of those, but it's an ayahuasca trip.

01:54:06.000 Bring it on, James!

01:54:07.000 What's interesting that you're saying this is that Terrence McKenna actually predicted that you could recreate in the future with virtual reality a psychedelic trip and it would have the same exact effect as a psychedelic trip because it would be able to show you the same visuals.

01:54:21.000 You know, you remember...

01:54:22.000 I don't know if you remember this, but there used to be, you know what phone freaking was?

01:54:26.000 Do you remember phone freaking?

01:54:28.000 There was a way that you could use a public pay phone, and you had a device that would make a noise.

01:54:32.000 Because a public pay phone, right, you'd press a button, like, beep, [...

01:54:38.000 Well, you would hold a thing up to the phone, and it would go...

01:54:43.000 It would send a signal through sound, and the phone would just open up for you so you could use it.

01:54:49.000 Oh, no quarter.

01:54:50.000 No quarter.

01:54:51.000 And you would just start calling people.

01:54:52.000 Oh, cool.

01:54:52.000 And it was done somehow or another through sound, like you would mimic the sound the phone would make ordinarily.

01:54:59.000 Uh-huh.

01:55:00.000 And so it tricked whatever was on the other end that was waiting for the signal that was coming from those beep-beep-beep things.

01:55:04.000 Is this it here?

01:55:05.000 Mm-hmm.

01:55:07.000 Ayahuasca.

01:55:07.000 Oh, this is exciting, because I've always wanted to do it.

01:55:09.000 Bum-bum-bum-bum-bum.

01:55:10.000 Have you done it?

01:55:11.000 I have done DMT. I have not done ayahuasca, but this looks a lot like DMT. You've done DMT? You never mentioned it.

01:55:17.000 I'm joking.

01:55:20.000 Yeah, there it is.

01:55:21.000 There it is.

01:55:22.000 Yeah.

01:55:22.000 Oh, wow.

01:55:23.000 That's pretty cool.

01:55:24.000 Yeah, they're eventually going to be able to nail this and make it exactly like what you'd experience.

01:55:29.000 Right.

01:55:29.000 VR is going to be dangerous, man.

01:55:31.000 That's going to take over a lot of shit.

01:55:32.000 Have you done any of the VR experiences that you can go to now in a warehouse?

01:55:36.000 No, I've done the goggles and you feel like you're in a whatever church or a forest or something.

01:55:40.000 Yeah.

01:55:40.000 And it's pretty damn convincing.

01:55:42.000 We have one of those Oculus things right out here that's attached to an iPad.

01:55:46.000 It's pretty cool.

01:55:47.000 But there's a thing in Woodland Hills called Sandbox.

01:55:50.000 They have a couple of them somewhere else besides Woodland Hills.

01:55:53.000 But one of them is only a few miles from here.

01:55:55.000 And you put these VR goggles on.

01:55:59.000 And when you get the goggles on, you go into this house and you fight zombies.

01:56:04.000 And, I mean, dude, it'll fucking freak you out because it's all dark.

01:56:07.000 And the zombies are running at you.

01:56:09.000 Oh, wow.

01:56:10.000 There it is.

01:56:11.000 So they dress you up.

01:56:15.000 So you got these VR things.

01:56:16.000 Just a fat kid in basketball shorts.

01:56:19.000 So this is reality and zombies.

01:56:22.000 So this is you running through this.

01:56:23.000 This is what it looks like to anybody watching.

01:56:26.000 But what you see is these crazy fucking zombies running at you and these giant pus-filled monsters.

01:56:33.000 It's fucking scary.

01:56:34.000 I guess they're not showing the actual footage of the video.

01:56:37.000 But it's pretty dope.

01:56:38.000 Yeah.

01:56:39.000 It's a heartbeat thing.

01:56:41.000 You get your heart rate jacked.

01:56:42.000 Wow.

01:56:43.000 Because it feels like they're really coming at you.

01:56:44.000 And you're wearing a haptic feedback vest.

01:56:46.000 So when they claw at you, you feel it on your chest.

01:56:48.000 Like, ah, ah, ah, ah.

01:56:51.000 But imagine the fuck they are.

01:56:53.000 Yeah, there they are.

01:56:53.000 That's what they look like.

01:56:56.000 Whoa!

01:56:56.000 It's so embarrassing when they show the other one.

01:56:59.000 Oh, yeah.

01:56:59.000 See that?

01:57:00.000 So the zombies are running at you.

01:57:02.000 They're in your face, like, really quickly.

01:57:04.000 Wow!

01:57:04.000 Yeah, it freaks you out, man.

01:57:05.000 It's kind of funny.

01:57:06.000 That's basically what Twitter is.

01:57:07.000 You think you're changing the world, you think you're doing all this shit, and it's just you in a basement.

01:57:10.000 And nothing's really happening.

01:57:11.000 And nothing's really...

01:57:12.000 You think you're killing zombies.

01:57:13.000 Booking now available.

01:57:14.000 Deadwood Mansion, that's what it's called.

01:57:16.000 It's fucking dope.

01:57:17.000 Very exciting.

01:57:18.000 I love it.

01:57:18.000 I'm a fan.

01:57:19.000 Yeah, give that to the school shooters.

01:57:21.000 You know, just have a classroom setting, and they can just shoot it up so they won't shoot up a real one.

01:57:24.000 I don't think that has the same feeling of chaos.

01:57:28.000 But if we could get their actual teacher and their actual classmates, I feel like that'd be a nice way to get that out of your system.

01:57:33.000 It'd be a little better than what they're doing now.

01:57:35.000 Sure, sure.

01:57:36.000 Sure.

01:57:36.000 Maybe with pedophiles, too.

01:57:37.000 You could have a kid in there and let them get it over with.

01:57:40.000 Right.

01:57:40.000 Imagine if they did that, if they said the best way to treat pedophiles is to have virtual children that you can rape.

01:57:47.000 People would be like, wait, what?

01:57:48.000 I mean, it sounds crazy, but it's a victimless crime.

01:57:50.000 It's like when you give the heroin addicts free needles.

01:57:53.000 Or you give them methadone.

01:57:55.000 Or that, too.

01:57:56.000 But people go, what are you giving them drugs?

01:57:58.000 You go, well, it's better than them dying on AIDS-y heroin needles.

01:58:01.000 Right.

01:58:02.000 Or, you know, overdosing.

01:58:04.000 Give them heroin.

01:58:05.000 There's places in the world where they give them a distributed amount of heroin that's pure.

01:58:10.000 So they make sure that they're not giving them anything that's spiked or got some fentanyl in it.

01:58:14.000 On paper, you go, what are you, crazy?

01:58:16.000 You're giving him heroin?

01:58:16.000 But it's better.

01:58:17.000 It's almost like the first guy to think of gangrene.

01:58:20.000 Did you hear about that guy in World War II? Everybody's getting gangrene.

01:58:22.000 So he said, fuck that.

01:58:23.000 He cut his arm open, stabbed one of the dead guys, and put a little bit of gangrene in his wound.

01:58:29.000 And everybody's like, what are you, nuts?

01:58:30.000 And he's like, I'll get immune to it.

01:58:31.000 And he worked.

01:58:32.000 Really?

01:58:33.000 It worked!

01:58:33.000 So that kind of outside-the-box thinking...

01:58:36.000 What a fucking crazy asshole.

01:58:38.000 I know, but I mean, look around.

01:58:39.000 There's dead bodies everywhere.

01:58:41.000 He's got no hope.

01:58:42.000 He's walking in a gunfire.

01:58:44.000 Yeah, it might have been World War I, but it was some World War or a war.

01:58:48.000 Some fucking savage from Iowa.

01:58:50.000 Some farmer savage.

01:58:52.000 But brilliant guy in a way.

01:58:53.000 Yeah, a lot of ways.

01:58:54.000 Thinking outside the box.

01:58:55.000 I love different kind of thinking.

01:58:59.000 Yeah.

01:58:59.000 You know, that's why I like comedy.

01:59:00.000 Because you see something like Norm Macdonald's got that great bit about, and my dad had a heart attack and died, and they go, hey, he's in a better place.

01:59:06.000 He's on the floor.

01:59:07.000 You know, it's like, I like that kind of...

01:59:09.000 You go, oh, yeah, you're right.

01:59:11.000 Yeah.

01:59:12.000 You're not wrong, but...

01:59:14.000 Yeah, I don't know.

01:59:15.000 I like that stuff.

01:59:16.000 Yeah, I do too, man.

01:59:17.000 I mean, comedy is like, we all have these, particularly for people that were working in these jobs, like we were talking before when you do these corporate gigs, for those people, comedy is kind of extra important because their whole brain is programmed to this fake way of thinking and talking all day.

01:59:34.000 Sing it, sister.

01:59:35.000 And I think it's cathartic.

01:59:36.000 You go into a comedy club and some guy says some horrible thing and you're like, ah, I feel better.

01:59:39.000 All my friends that I know that do work, I only have a few friends that do work in office environments, they fucking love comedy.

01:59:47.000 Love it.

01:59:48.000 They need it.

01:59:49.000 Yes.

01:59:49.000 It's like it gives you assholes like you and me just saying things that they could never say.

01:59:55.000 But we're different than that.

01:59:56.000 I think we're a little built differently.

01:59:58.000 I couldn't do that office gig.

02:00:00.000 I was a janitor for years just because I didn't want to talk to anybody.

02:00:03.000 And it was a better job than clerical bullshit.

02:00:05.000 I don't want to be in a cubicle.

02:00:06.000 I delivered newspapers for the same reason.

02:00:08.000 I was in my car, driving by myself, throwing the papers out the window.

02:00:12.000 That's a great gig.

02:00:13.000 Yeah, it was a great gig for a comic.

02:00:14.000 I always say if I wasn't a comic, I'd be a FedEx guy or UPS guy.

02:00:18.000 That would be my gig.

02:00:18.000 You're outdoors, you got no door on the fucking van, you got shorts on.

02:00:22.000 You can listen to whatever you want.

02:00:22.000 Whatever you want.

02:00:23.000 You got headphones in, it's great.

02:00:25.000 Actually, it's a great gig, right?

02:00:26.000 I have a buddy of mine who's a mailman.

02:00:29.000 Oh, well that's a little different.

02:00:30.000 Back in Boston.

02:00:30.000 That's a little different.

02:00:31.000 Same thing.

02:00:31.000 He had a route.

02:00:32.000 He would fucking put headphones on, listen to music, walk around.

02:00:35.000 The problem with mailman is you've got to hit every single house.

02:00:37.000 The package guy.

02:00:38.000 Everybody loves a package.

02:00:39.000 Right.

02:00:40.000 Also, I'm sure there's some horny housewife who you can pop in on.

02:00:43.000 Yeah.

02:00:45.000 What can Brown do for you, bitch?

02:00:47.000 So, yeah.

02:00:48.000 Some milfy.

02:00:49.000 Milfy lady in lingerie.

02:00:50.000 Oh, I'll sign that.

02:00:52.000 Do you want to come inside?

02:00:54.000 Uh, okay.

02:00:56.000 Yeah, that's hot.

02:00:57.000 That's porn.

02:00:58.000 Yeah, how many ladies can do that, though?

02:01:00.000 The thing is, if a guy is at the door, and the guy looks good, and she looks good, it's almost 100% of the time she can get that guy to fuck him.

02:01:11.000 I know, what a privilege.

02:01:12.000 Almost 100% of the time she can get that guy to fuck her.

02:01:15.000 I think that's a big part of why women aren't as aggressive because they don't have to be.

02:01:20.000 Of course.

02:01:21.000 Well, it's not their nature.

02:01:23.000 The male, the testosterone, the conqueror.

02:01:27.000 If you took fucking away from women for six months...

02:01:30.000 That would be interesting to see how much they'd want to fuck.

02:01:34.000 Not that women aren't horny, obviously they get horny, but it's a safe horny.

02:01:39.000 Guys will walk into a glory hole and put their dick through it.

02:01:42.000 I don't think a lady's putting her vag up to a wall.

02:01:45.000 That is the weirdest form of porn.

02:01:48.000 Isn't that weird?

02:01:48.000 Yes!

02:01:49.000 I love it.

02:01:49.000 The glory hole porn.

02:01:50.000 I'm a big fan.

02:01:51.000 Where there's a girl just sitting in a fucking refrigerator box.

02:01:54.000 Yeah!

02:01:54.000 And a guy just sticks his hog through a hole.

02:01:57.000 She's like, oh yeah.

02:01:59.000 Well, it's the ultimate fantasy.

02:02:00.000 But it's weird.

02:02:02.000 I can't get a girl at the bar to fuck me, but if I put my dick through this hole, and I don't know who's on the other side.

02:02:06.000 It could be LBJ. Oh, BJ. I just fell backwards into that one.

02:02:12.000 Yeah, it could be anybody.

02:02:13.000 Could be anybody.

02:02:14.000 Could be Rosa Parks.

02:02:15.000 You're cool with that.

02:02:16.000 You just deal with it.

02:02:16.000 Sure.

02:02:17.000 You just deal with it.

02:02:17.000 It just feels good.

02:02:18.000 You pretend it's someone hot.

02:02:20.000 Yeah, and also you hope the wall is not too thick.

02:02:22.000 Right.

02:02:23.000 Because you want to get as much maximum dong shaft.

02:02:27.000 Right!

02:02:27.000 That's why the refrigerator box is a good move.

02:02:29.000 Perfect.

02:02:30.000 Love a box.

02:02:31.000 You can't have a real wall.

02:02:32.000 No!

02:02:33.000 You don't want sheetrock cutting down on your two inches.

02:02:35.000 Oh, yeah.

02:02:36.000 Well, not only that, the fucking chalky, rough stuff.

02:02:40.000 That would ruin it.

02:02:41.000 You're banging your shaft on the sheetrock.

02:02:44.000 Yeah.

02:02:44.000 Imagine you get sheetrock scrapes on your hog.

02:02:48.000 Oh, I've been there.

02:02:49.000 J-Mo, you got a long one.

02:02:51.000 It'd be nice and smooth and eroded by then.

02:02:52.000 By all the rest of the day.

02:02:53.000 Good point.

02:02:54.000 We need to be rubbing areas where dudes' dicks rubbed up against.

02:02:57.000 You're going to get some of that koala bear chlamydia.

02:02:59.000 That's fine.

02:03:00.000 You ever had the chlamydia?

02:03:01.000 Never.

02:03:01.000 Come on!

02:03:02.000 You were fucking in the 90s.

02:03:03.000 I got lucky.

02:03:04.000 You were a hot piece.

02:03:05.000 I got lucky.

02:03:06.000 Alright.

02:03:06.000 Never got it.

02:03:07.000 You got it?

02:03:08.000 Many times.

02:03:09.000 How many?

02:03:09.000 I think I've gotten it four times.

02:03:11.000 How come it's not like gangrene where your body gets immunity to it?

02:03:15.000 You get it and you get rid of it real quick.

02:03:16.000 I can ride it out.

02:03:17.000 Why don't you just ride it out and then maybe you'll be immune to it.

02:03:19.000 Maybe, but I don't want to give it to someone else.

02:03:21.000 Oh, but you're going to fuck no matter what, right?

02:03:23.000 Yeah, I just wear the condo, but then the booze kicks in and you go, ah, fuck it.

02:03:27.000 Take it off.

02:03:27.000 Also, fun fact, and ladies won't admit to this, but there's a lot of skanks out there doing the, just take it off.

02:03:33.000 Take it off!

02:03:34.000 Oh yeah.

02:03:35.000 They don't come clean on that, but that's a big thing ladies do that I don't get.

02:03:39.000 Feels better for them.

02:03:40.000 Does it?

02:03:41.000 Supposedly.

02:03:42.000 I've never had a guy fuck me in my vagina.

02:03:47.000 God!

02:03:47.000 With or without a condom.

02:03:48.000 Women are so secretive.

02:03:49.000 Why don't they tell us shit?

02:03:50.000 Because they get shamed, man.

02:03:52.000 But man up!

02:03:54.000 Or have some balls.

02:03:55.000 Be shamed and live your life.

02:03:57.000 I think the shame that women experience is fucking really frustrating.

02:04:00.000 I guess so.

02:04:01.000 Because guys, when guys shame women, it's mean.

02:04:04.000 And guys shaming women about being sluts, that shit doesn't work on men.

02:04:08.000 Right.

02:04:08.000 It doesn't work the other way.

02:04:10.000 If a girl says, yeah, you just fucked ten girls, you piece of shit.

02:04:13.000 You're like, eh, what am I going to do?

02:04:14.000 But they could make it not work.

02:04:16.000 Just go, yeah, blow me.

02:04:16.000 Fuck you.

02:04:17.000 I don't care.

02:04:18.000 It's not in their wheelhouse.

02:04:19.000 Why not?

02:04:20.000 Toughen up.

02:04:21.000 Because genetics.

02:04:22.000 Because the way the world has been, sort of the world of human beings has been evolved.

02:04:28.000 I'm clearly talking like a scientist here.

02:04:30.000 But look at the N-word.

02:04:31.000 The N-word was flipped.

02:04:32.000 Now it's a positive for them.

02:04:34.000 So use slut.

02:04:36.000 Well, they've tried.

02:04:38.000 Remember Amber Rose had the slut walk in LA? She still had it?

02:04:41.000 Or did she give up on that?

02:04:42.000 Good for her.

02:04:43.000 When is it?

02:04:43.000 Might be next week.

02:04:44.000 It's coming up soon.

02:04:45.000 Fourth one, I think.

02:04:46.000 Really?

02:04:47.000 Slut walk number four.

02:04:48.000 Imagine if he gets slut walk 40 and she's strapping everything down and tying everything together and waddling out there.

02:04:55.000 Yeah, she's very sexy.

02:04:56.000 I like that, huh?

02:04:57.000 Oh, yeah.

02:04:58.000 Curvy, curvy, curvy lady.

02:05:00.000 Plus, the confidence you have to have to wear that haircut.

02:05:03.000 Oh, the short hair.

02:05:03.000 Yeah.

02:05:04.000 That's a girl who knows she's hot.

02:05:05.000 And you've got to have a pretty face.

02:05:07.000 Oh, yeah.

02:05:07.000 You know, to pull the short hair.

02:05:08.000 Oh, yeah.

02:05:09.000 But the slut thing, the problem with the slut thing, and nobody wants to say it, is I don't care if you're a slut.

02:05:13.000 I say be promiscuous, go nuts, hoe it up.

02:05:16.000 But they feel guilty.

02:05:18.000 Well, they feel guilty, I think, because of biology.

02:05:21.000 For the same reason that Eric Weinstein was telling me that there's different mating strategies that people have.

02:05:27.000 For a female to just hoe it up all the time, she's not going to have a man that's there to take care of the child while she's pregnant and vulnerable.

02:05:35.000 I think this is what biology is sort of set up.

02:05:39.000 Right, right.

02:05:39.000 Wow, that's fascinating.

02:05:40.000 I think that's why, like...

02:05:44.000 Oh, biological clock?

02:06:00.000 Yeah, the women too.

02:06:02.000 They have just a different attitude about it.

02:06:04.000 Australia, different parts of the world, they're freer and open about sex.

02:06:08.000 Good, good for them.

02:06:09.000 Even in Canada, I think it's different than in America.

02:06:11.000 Yeah, why are we?

02:06:12.000 It's a Puritan.

02:06:14.000 You know, like Chris Brown, to me, What he did was worse than what Louis C.K. did.

02:06:20.000 But Louis C.K. has a sexual component which makes everything way worse in America.

02:06:24.000 Like, I'd rather be jerked off on than punched in the face.

02:06:28.000 Well, you didn't even jerk off on them.

02:06:29.000 You jerked off in front of them.

02:06:31.000 Whatever it was.

02:06:31.000 Yeah.

02:06:32.000 So it's like, why are we so focused on...

02:06:35.000 Let's...

02:06:36.000 It's now.

02:06:37.000 Because the Chris Brown thing happened now.

02:06:39.000 The Chris Brown thing happened before this whole Me Too thing took place.

02:06:42.000 Ah, so it's a timing thing.

02:06:43.000 Yeah, for sure.

02:06:44.000 Isn't that interesting?

02:06:44.000 For sure.

02:06:45.000 Weird.

02:06:45.000 There's a lot of people that snuck through that sort of time period.

02:06:50.000 Right.

02:06:50.000 You know?

02:06:51.000 Aren't you glad you never raped anybody?

02:06:52.000 Yes.

02:06:53.000 Man.

02:06:54.000 I mean, I don't want to.

02:06:55.000 So glad.

02:06:56.000 I'm glad you don't have that A on your conscience and B on your record.

02:06:59.000 And also, aren't you glad you never got raped?

02:07:01.000 Sure, sure.

02:07:02.000 That's a big one.

02:07:03.000 That's a big one.

02:07:03.000 I've fucked people unconsensually.

02:07:06.000 But I've never been held down and banged.

02:07:09.000 How do you fuck people unconsensually?

02:07:11.000 Oh, you know, you got a gal and she's like, come on!

02:07:14.000 You're like, I'm good!

02:07:15.000 She's like, come on!

02:07:15.000 You're like, alright.

02:07:16.000 Oh, so you didn't really consent, but you made her...

02:07:19.000 So you made it sound like she didn't consent, but you really didn't consent.

02:07:22.000 No, I didn't.

02:07:23.000 But that's normal.

02:07:24.000 I think everybody does that.

02:07:25.000 You fuck your ugly wife or your ugly husband.

02:07:27.000 But if a girl wants to fuck you and she talks you into it and you feel bad afterwards, no one's going to feel sorry for you.

02:07:33.000 You got that right.

02:07:34.000 But if a guy does that to a girl, bachelors a girl into doing it, people will come down hard on you.

02:07:39.000 It's weird how that works.

02:07:40.000 Because I get the dicks and DMs all day long.

02:07:43.000 I get all that shit.

02:07:44.000 No one cares.

02:07:45.000 Nobody cares.

02:07:45.000 And I go, what if this bothered me?

02:07:47.000 And people go, ah, you're a guy.

02:07:48.000 Fuck you.

02:07:48.000 Do you know Whitney?

02:07:49.000 Do you know Whitney?

02:07:50.000 No.

02:07:50.000 I do.

02:07:51.000 A little bit.

02:07:52.000 Not well.

02:07:52.000 I like her.

02:07:53.000 Ask her about the DMs that she gets.

02:07:55.000 Oh, really?

02:07:56.000 She shows them to us.

02:07:57.000 Really?

02:07:57.000 I told her to get a book.

02:07:58.000 I said you should write a book about dick pics that people send you.

02:08:01.000 Because it's not a dozen.

02:08:04.000 It's dozens.

02:08:05.000 Really?

02:08:05.000 Dozens.

02:08:06.000 Man.

02:08:07.000 She's always got weird dicks coming her way, too.

02:08:09.000 Like curvy?

02:08:09.000 We're in a group text.

02:08:10.000 She'll show us the dicks.

02:08:12.000 I'm like, what the fuck?

02:08:13.000 Wow.

02:08:14.000 Weird, weird hooked dicks.

02:08:16.000 Yeah.

02:08:16.000 Do they like, does she like it?

02:08:17.000 No!

02:08:18.000 Yeah, see, that's it.

02:08:19.000 She doesn't want it.

02:08:19.000 It's just, guys just send pictures.

02:08:21.000 They do it to every girl.

02:08:22.000 Look, there is probably a fucking gigantic population of creepy dudes out there that send dick pics.

02:08:29.000 Well, here's another one.

02:08:30.000 I was hooking up with this girl years ago I met in Arizona, and she was like, send me a dick pic.

02:08:35.000 And I was like, alright, sent her the dick pic.

02:08:37.000 Eight, five, I will say five years goes by, I get a tweet and Hey, is this Mark your dick?

02:08:44.000 It's added me.

02:08:44.000 And it was!

02:08:45.000 It was my sheets, my shoes were in it, my desk was in the background, and I was like, that's not mine.

02:08:51.000 And I was like, oh!

02:08:53.000 It spooked me!

02:08:55.000 So she sent you that or someone else did?

02:08:57.000 Some random guy like Minnesota said, hey, is this your dick?

02:09:00.000 She texted to some guy.

02:09:01.000 I guess.

02:09:02.000 Fuck Mark Norman.

02:09:03.000 Here's his cock.

02:09:04.000 And I just denied it.

02:09:05.000 Oh, fuck him.

02:09:06.000 Fuck that guy.

02:09:07.000 I'm going to put it on Twitter.

02:09:08.000 I gave it a favorite and I moved on.

02:09:10.000 Isn't that interesting how Twitter lets you show dicks?

02:09:12.000 Yeah!

02:09:13.000 Twitter lets you show hardcore porn.

02:09:14.000 Hardcore porn.

02:09:15.000 Hardcore porn.

02:09:16.000 Which is fun.

02:09:16.000 Sometimes you're in the airport, like, eh, fuck it.

02:09:18.000 It's crazy.

02:09:19.000 I'll look at this for a minute.

02:09:20.000 Yeah, I mean, you could ass-fucking, cumming, everything.

02:09:23.000 Oh, yeah.

02:09:23.000 Everything.

02:09:24.000 You name it, baby.

02:09:25.000 Isn't that weird?

02:09:25.000 I mean, it's a gigantic platform.

02:09:27.000 And to allow hardcore porn.

02:09:29.000 Instagram does not.

02:09:30.000 No!

02:09:31.000 Instagram, you can't even show nipple.

02:09:33.000 Oh, wow.

02:09:34.000 You can't show anything.

02:09:34.000 Girls get kicked off of Instagram for having, like, transparent shirts.

02:09:39.000 Oh, really?

02:09:39.000 Yeah, you can't even show nipple.

02:09:41.000 Isn't it amazing when you see how many beautiful, sexy, stunning women are on Instagram?

02:09:47.000 You could go through for hours.

02:09:49.000 It's probably our best resource.

02:09:51.000 You talk about oil and all this shit?

02:09:52.000 I think the hot women in America, it's up there.

02:09:55.000 It's pretty good.

02:09:56.000 It's pretty good.

02:09:57.000 But it's also, there's a lot of Photoshop out there.

02:09:58.000 Ah, damn it, you're right.

02:10:00.000 Remember what I was talking about?

02:10:01.000 These ladies doing cartoon work on their pictures?

02:10:03.000 Killing my dream, man.

02:10:04.000 Killing the dream.

02:10:05.000 Also, it's weird.

02:10:06.000 This is some guy's daughter and some mom's daughter.

02:10:08.000 Yep, yep.

02:10:09.000 But then she hits 24. She's on her own.

02:10:12.000 I guess so.

02:10:13.000 Or whatever age it is.

02:10:14.000 Are you nervous about that?

02:10:15.000 Yeah, you have to be.

02:10:16.000 But I'm also, look, I think girls like boys and boys like girls.

02:10:20.000 I want everybody to be happy, you know?

02:10:22.000 Yeah.

02:10:22.000 I would hope that, yeah, there's gays too.

02:10:25.000 I would hope that, you know, they could find someone who's nice to them.

02:10:29.000 And I would hope that they don't get bullshitted.

02:10:33.000 But I mean, remember you?

02:10:34.000 You were a fucking poon hound back in the 40s, you know?

02:10:37.000 You know what it's like about these dudes out there.

02:10:39.000 That was back before radio, though.

02:10:40.000 That's true.

02:10:41.000 Nobody knew anything.

02:10:42.000 Nobody knew any better.

02:10:43.000 Imagine if you live in...

02:10:45.000 Like legitimately living like a thousand years ago.

02:10:49.000 They probably didn't even understand how you got pregnant.

02:10:53.000 You know, diseases killed you.

02:10:55.000 You got syphilis, everybody died, your hair fell out, your nose rotted off your face.

02:11:00.000 They would have crazy diseases and no cure.

02:11:03.000 That's probably why the Bible steps in.

02:11:05.000 You know, it's like, hey, don't eat pork.

02:11:07.000 Pork's killing everybody.

02:11:08.000 Let's say don't eat pork on Friday or whatever it is.

02:11:10.000 Abstinence, too.

02:11:10.000 They're trying to preserve you from venereal diseases.

02:11:13.000 Right, right.

02:11:14.000 And that's why being a virgin was so good.

02:11:16.000 You know, if you're not, you get thrown in the volcano.

02:11:18.000 Yeah.

02:11:19.000 Yeah, I was reading this book about the Wild West, and they were talking about all the people that had syphilis.

02:11:24.000 They just all went to whorehouses, and they all got sick.

02:11:28.000 Man, we're so lucky to be alive in this time.

02:11:31.000 Oh, we're getting yelled at on Twitter!

02:11:33.000 Those guys had to ride a horse without a saddle.

02:11:35.000 But imagine when it's like a hundred years from now, they're going to be looking at these poor idiots.

02:11:39.000 They didn't have virtual reality.

02:11:41.000 I know, that's true.

02:11:42.000 They got to live in the real world and drive cars everywhere.

02:11:45.000 Yeah, ignorance is bliss, man.

02:11:47.000 Yeah, you don't know.

02:11:48.000 I mean, back in the Wild West days, they were just happy they figured out the horse.

02:11:51.000 That's true.

02:11:52.000 Like, oh my God, so glad we had horses.

02:11:54.000 Imagine those idiots that didn't have horses?

02:11:55.000 Right, right.

02:11:56.000 They don't walk everywhere?

02:11:57.000 Get the fuck out of here.

02:11:58.000 Dude, that Donner Pass, the fact that that happened is bananas.

02:12:01.000 Yeah.

02:12:01.000 Not that long ago, man.

02:12:02.000 I know, I know.

02:12:04.000 And it didn't just happen once.

02:12:05.000 There was a couple other instances of people trying to make it across and froze to death out there.

02:12:10.000 Damn.

02:12:11.000 But the movies in 4098 are going to be so much more boring.

02:12:15.000 We get to watch The Revenant.

02:12:16.000 Some guy's chasing Native Americans.

02:12:18.000 He's killing a bear.

02:12:19.000 He's fighting a guy in a river.

02:12:20.000 But the movie in that year is going to be a bunch of dudes podcasting.

02:12:25.000 You know what I mean?

02:12:25.000 It's going to suck, because we don't have any struggles, so there's no conflict for a movie.

02:12:29.000 I wonder if they'll ever have a podcasting movie.

02:12:32.000 Oh, it's going to happen.

02:12:33.000 A movie about podcasts getting crazy, podcasts changing the world.

02:12:36.000 We've had Angry Birds.

02:12:38.000 Do you remember Christian Slater had that, what was that radio?

02:12:40.000 Pump Up the Volume.

02:12:41.000 Yes.

02:12:42.000 Kevin Smith had one.

02:12:43.000 Kevin Smith did?

02:12:44.000 Yeah, we're...

02:12:45.000 Walrus.

02:12:47.000 Walrus?

02:12:47.000 Remember?

02:12:48.000 I don't know if you saw this.

02:12:49.000 It came out maybe three or four years ago.

02:12:50.000 That was about podcasting?

02:12:51.000 He played a podcaster who was going to get an interview and the guy kidnapped him and turned him into a walrus.

02:12:55.000 Oh, that's a kidnap movie.

02:12:57.000 I never saw that movie.

02:12:58.000 Yeah, well...

02:12:59.000 I saw Red State, though.

02:13:00.000 That was one of his best movies.

02:13:01.000 That was crazy.

02:13:02.000 That was crazy.

02:13:03.000 He made me see that movie without telling me anything.

02:13:06.000 He goes, I don't want to tell you shit.

02:13:08.000 I don't want to tell you anything.

02:13:08.000 Just have a seat.

02:13:09.000 Bad PR for Republicans.

02:13:11.000 Tusk.

02:13:11.000 That's right.

02:13:12.000 That's right.

02:13:12.000 Tusk.

02:13:13.000 Yeah.

02:13:14.000 Crazy movie, though.

02:13:15.000 I was like, Jesus, Kevin.

02:13:16.000 I didn't see that coming at all.

02:13:17.000 I thought it was going to be like a funny movie.

02:13:19.000 I didn't know he had it in him.

02:13:20.000 Yeah, he did.

02:13:21.000 You just hear about, you know, comic books and hockey jerseys.

02:13:23.000 Oh, Jesus.

02:13:24.000 Don't show me that.

02:13:25.000 Holy hell.

02:13:26.000 Why are you showing me that?

02:13:27.000 You just spoiler alerted me.

02:13:28.000 Was that Dr. Phil?

02:13:29.000 Son of a bitch.

02:13:29.000 Just typed in the movie.

02:13:30.000 It's like on the front cover of the movie.

02:13:31.000 And then you showed it to me.

02:13:32.000 Son of a bitch.

02:13:33.000 Right.

02:13:34.000 What if I was going to watch that tonight?

02:13:35.000 Like, I wonder how this turns out.

02:13:37.000 I wonder what it looks like.

02:13:38.000 You know what else is kooky is the fact that our attention spans are getting so short.

02:13:43.000 We like a YouTube video to be four seconds.

02:13:45.000 All we do is check the time.

02:13:46.000 But then the movies are getting longer.

02:13:48.000 Yeah.

02:13:48.000 Isn't that weird?

02:13:49.000 It is weird.

02:13:49.000 So our podcast.

02:13:51.000 Yeah.

02:13:51.000 Bill Maher had that statement.

02:13:53.000 He was like, how come our attention span is either seven seconds or three hours?

02:13:58.000 Right.

02:13:58.000 Exactly.

02:13:59.000 Like the Irishman, Once Upon a Time in Hollywood, these are all three hour plus.

02:14:03.000 Yeah.

02:14:03.000 Did you like The Irishman?

02:14:04.000 I haven't seen it yet.

02:14:05.000 Well, you gotta watch it in chunks, which is shitty.

02:14:08.000 Because it's too long?

02:14:09.000 I love Scorsese, and I liked it.

02:14:11.000 It's not his best by far, but I liked it.

02:14:13.000 Why do you gotta watch it in chunks?

02:14:14.000 Because it's so long?

02:14:15.000 It's so long, yeah.

02:14:16.000 What if you're one of those guys that just can sit there for four hours?

02:14:18.000 You could do it, but it's like a novel.

02:14:20.000 You gotta really take it in.

02:14:22.000 How many hours is it?

02:14:23.000 Three and change, I think.

02:14:25.000 That took a break about two hours in.

02:14:27.000 I got some 20 minutes to get up and walk around.

02:14:29.000 That's weird, man.

02:14:29.000 I got some problems with it, but it's a good movie.

02:14:31.000 Yeah, when you go to the movie theaters, when was the last time you went to the movie theater and you saw a three-plus-hour movie?

02:14:37.000 I went two nights ago, but it wasn't three and a half.

02:14:40.000 When was the last time there was a legit three?

02:14:42.000 I remember that...

02:14:45.000 Tarantino movie.

02:14:45.000 They did the double feature.

02:14:46.000 They had like an intermission.

02:14:48.000 Oh, Grindhouse.

02:14:48.000 Yeah, yeah.

02:14:49.000 That's right.

02:14:49.000 They had stuff they were playing during it.

02:14:51.000 I went to that.

02:14:52.000 I saw that in the theater.

02:14:53.000 But those are two movies.

02:14:54.000 Right, right, right.

02:14:55.000 They're standalone.

02:14:56.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

02:14:57.000 But Once Upon a Time in Hollywood, that was pretty fucking long too, wasn't it?

02:15:00.000 Pretty long.

02:15:00.000 Yeah.

02:15:01.000 I watched that twice and I loved it.

02:15:04.000 That dude, he's doing it right.

02:15:06.000 He really is!

02:15:07.000 He's doing it right.

02:15:08.000 He's got only nine movies.

02:15:10.000 He's going to make ten movies, and then he's going to retire.

02:15:12.000 Yeah.

02:15:13.000 Allegedly.

02:15:14.000 I heard he's going to TV. They're going to back up the fucking Brinks truck.

02:15:17.000 But thank God he slipped through.

02:15:19.000 There's some guy out there who's just as brilliant as him who hasn't gotten a shot yet.

02:15:23.000 Maybe, but here's the thing.

02:15:25.000 He's grandfathered in, too.

02:15:27.000 Because his movies are so fucked up.

02:15:30.000 Like, Once Upon a Time in Hollywood.

02:15:32.000 Spoiler alert!

02:15:33.000 There's some scenes where he's taking this chick's head and fucking smashing it.

02:15:37.000 It's great.

02:15:38.000 Whoa!

02:15:39.000 I don't know if a new filmmaker could get away with that today.

02:15:43.000 Interesting.

02:15:44.000 I don't know.

02:15:45.000 Because some of that shit's disturbing.

02:15:47.000 It's very disturbing.

02:15:47.000 Yeah, and I think he's so grandfathered in with the hyper-violent, ultra-violent movies.

02:15:53.000 Well, it goes to show if you sell tickets, nobody gives a fuck.

02:15:55.000 Nobody gives a fuck.

02:15:56.000 You're making money.

02:15:57.000 But with him, there's no risk.

02:15:58.000 Like, if it's a Quentin Tarantino movie, he's never missed once.

02:16:01.000 Right.

02:16:02.000 Django, Hateful Eight, Pulp Fiction, you keep going down the list.

02:16:06.000 All those fucking movies.

02:16:07.000 Reservoir Dogs.

02:16:08.000 Yeah.

02:16:08.000 They're all killer movies.

02:16:09.000 And they're all gory as shit and dark as shit.

02:16:11.000 Has he had one bad movie?

02:16:14.000 Name a bad Tarantino movie.

02:16:16.000 Some are better than others, but none are bad.

02:16:18.000 Yeah, but they're all great.

02:16:19.000 Like, Hateful Eight I even liked.

02:16:20.000 I loved that movie.

02:16:21.000 Yeah.

02:16:21.000 What was...

02:16:22.000 Django was fucking fantastic.

02:16:23.000 Django was fun.

02:16:24.000 And you get to realize Leonardo DiCaprio can act his fucking ass off.

02:16:27.000 Oh, he's amazing, man.

02:16:28.000 Like, you see him in a lot of these movies.

02:16:30.000 And you know what the problem with Leonardo DiCaprio is?

02:16:32.000 First of all, he's beautiful.

02:16:33.000 I don't like that.

02:16:34.000 He's getting uglier, though.

02:16:35.000 Let's give him that.

02:16:36.000 A little bit.

02:16:36.000 A touch.

02:16:37.000 We're getting a little chub.

02:16:37.000 I mean, I'd still blow up.

02:16:38.000 A little chubby.

02:16:38.000 Yeah, if you had to.

02:16:40.000 Sure.

02:16:40.000 But then, the other part is, climate change is real.

02:16:43.000 That kind of shit.

02:16:44.000 When people, like, accept awards and they go, climate change is real.

02:16:48.000 Like, hey, hey, hey!

02:16:50.000 You're not here for that!

02:16:51.000 Alright, we all know it's real.

02:16:53.000 Move on!

02:16:53.000 Come on, man.

02:16:54.000 You're not fixing the world by holding your trophy for pretending.

02:16:57.000 But that's the point.

02:16:58.000 So you gotta go, okay, we put people in a bin now.

02:17:01.000 I get it.

02:17:01.000 Okay, he's in the good bin.

02:17:02.000 He flies private.

02:17:04.000 Of course he flies private.

02:17:05.000 You can't say climate change is real and fly private.

02:17:08.000 Well, you can say it, but...

02:17:10.000 It's like syphilis is real, but you won't wear a condom.

02:17:13.000 Ooh-wee!

02:17:14.000 Yeah.

02:17:15.000 What are you doing to protect yourself from that problem?

02:17:18.000 Hmm?

02:17:19.000 Penicillin?

02:17:20.000 Hmm?

02:17:22.000 I just don't like, that's why I love Ricky Gervais' speech.

02:17:25.000 Oh, that was fun, huh?

02:17:26.000 It was amazing.

02:17:27.000 That was great.

02:17:27.000 It's amazing.

02:17:28.000 It would just suck to be one of the people who get pissed about that.

02:17:31.000 Like, man, what a shitty life you have.

02:17:33.000 I want to find those people and bookmark them.

02:17:36.000 Yeah, right?

02:17:37.000 Check in on them anytime anything goes wrong.

02:17:39.000 I loved it.

02:17:40.000 I'm friends with Ricky now.

02:17:41.000 I can say that.

02:17:42.000 I love him.

02:17:42.000 We exchanged niceties on Twitter.

02:17:45.000 Oh, really?

02:17:45.000 Yeah, which meant the world to me.

02:17:47.000 Oh, that's beautiful.

02:17:48.000 Hey, tell me about your experiences with Seinfeld.

02:17:50.000 Since we did the last podcast, you did...

02:17:54.000 I did some gigs.

02:17:55.000 And you tell me you had a great fucking time.

02:17:56.000 Great time.

02:17:57.000 He's the coolest guy.

02:17:58.000 I mean, he helped me out by giving these gigs.

02:18:00.000 I opened for him at the Beacon.

02:18:01.000 And he's a cool dude because he goes, I want one green room.

02:18:04.000 And you go, whoa, I don't want to bother you.

02:18:06.000 And he goes, no, no, I want to hang.

02:18:07.000 How cool is that?

02:18:08.000 That's very cool.

02:18:09.000 Fucking zillionaire legend comedy guy wants to hang with my dumbass.

02:18:13.000 Well, I think that's one of the things that a lot of comics miss when they get really big.

02:18:17.000 Yeah.

02:18:18.000 When you're Jerry Seinfeld, it's like all the rest of us are in this place and he's legend.

02:18:25.000 He's Seinfeld.

02:18:27.000 But that's how we see him.

02:18:28.000 He still sees himself as this Long Island nobody, which is so cool and also why he's still funny.

02:18:33.000 Yes.

02:18:33.000 And he's like, I'm worried I'm not relevant anymore.

02:18:36.000 I'm like, what?

02:18:36.000 What do you mean relevant?

02:18:37.000 Your show comes on eight times a day.

02:18:38.000 You got comedians in cars.

02:18:39.000 You're touring everywhere.

02:18:40.000 You're fine.

02:18:41.000 It's hilarious to think that he's not relevant.

02:18:43.000 I know.

02:18:43.000 It's like David Tell.

02:18:44.000 David Tell, I'm a hack.

02:18:45.000 I suck.

02:18:45.000 I'm an old hack.

02:18:46.000 You're brilliant.

02:18:47.000 You're one of the best ever.

02:18:48.000 Ever.

02:18:49.000 That's why he's so funny, though.

02:18:50.000 Exactly.

02:18:50.000 It's because he's not blowing himself.

02:18:52.000 Larry David.

02:18:53.000 Larry David's like, ah, I suck.

02:18:54.000 I'm in the way.

02:18:55.000 Nobody likes me.

02:18:56.000 Driving a Prius.

02:18:56.000 You're my hero.

02:18:57.000 Yeah.

02:18:58.000 Yeah.

02:18:58.000 But every time he looks in the mirror, he's a bald nothing.

02:19:02.000 Worth a half a billion dollars.

02:19:03.000 I know, and he's genius.

02:19:05.000 He's changed my life.

02:19:06.000 He's changed the world with his comedy, and it won't sink in.

02:19:09.000 I love that.

02:19:10.000 Yeah, well, that's why they're so good.

02:19:12.000 That's why they're good.

02:19:13.000 I think if you start really believing you're something special, you're fucking doomed.

02:19:17.000 You're doomed.

02:19:18.000 You're doomed, because then you're not going to be you.

02:19:21.000 You're going to be some, like, yeah, I'm fucking awesome.

02:19:23.000 I'll just go out there and be awesome.

02:19:25.000 Right.

02:19:25.000 And I've seen that before, and it's ugly.

02:19:27.000 It's an ugly picture when guys, they think they're the shit now, and then they don't try that hard.

02:19:31.000 Yep.

02:19:31.000 And they don't work at it.

02:19:32.000 Yep.

02:19:33.000 And you think they can just go out there and talk to people, and people are just happy to see them.

02:19:36.000 Right.

02:19:36.000 That lasts for about three minutes.

02:19:37.000 Right.

02:19:38.000 And then people are like, what is happening here?

02:19:40.000 Confidence is a killer, man.

02:19:41.000 It can be.

02:19:42.000 It can be.

02:19:44.000 Through hard work and discipline, knowing that you're ready, but even then you still have to have that little edge.

02:19:49.000 Yes.

02:19:50.000 A little edge of fear.

02:19:51.000 Exactly, exactly.

02:19:52.000 Some of the great fighters were all bullied or something.

02:19:54.000 There's something behind them where they just have that extra flame in them.

02:19:57.000 Yes, yes.

02:19:58.000 I mean, almost all of them will tell you.

02:20:00.000 Some of them will hide it, but almost all of them will tell you that they're terrified.

02:20:03.000 Yes!

02:20:04.000 I heard Cowboy was talking about how he flips out before every fight and he's in his head.

02:20:09.000 I'm like, oh, good!

02:20:10.000 That's how I am before a special or a late night or whatever.

02:20:12.000 And you feel better.

02:20:13.000 You're like, okay, I'm not a wuss.

02:20:15.000 Yeah, any good set, anything that's important, those butterflies are going to be fluttering around.

02:20:19.000 Your adrenaline's going to be pumping.

02:20:21.000 You're like, holy fuck, here we go.

02:20:22.000 Chappelle talks about it.

02:20:24.000 Chappelle's like, I get nervous.

02:20:24.000 And if you watch interviews, he's hunched over, he's weird, and he's not this cocky savant, you know, smoking.

02:20:31.000 I mean, he is.

02:20:31.000 He's brilliant, but he's not that guy.

02:20:33.000 I think he's just mastered that look in a way.

02:20:36.000 He works hard, but he's calm because he's done so many sets.

02:20:41.000 Right.

02:20:41.000 And he's so good.

02:20:42.000 I mean, he kills 99.99999% of the time.

02:20:46.000 But when we worked together, we did a couple of arenas together, we were both like, alright, here we go.

02:20:51.000 Really?

02:20:52.000 Yeah.

02:20:52.000 I mean, you get, you know, like right before we go on stage, he was about to go up there, about to, he looked at me, he goes, not a whole lot of motherfuckers get to do this.

02:20:59.000 And then he went out there and fucking murdered.

02:21:02.000 How great is that?

02:21:03.000 It's this feeling that you get before a show.

02:21:05.000 If you don't have that...

02:21:06.000 Yeah.

02:21:06.000 And everybody's scared of that feeling, right?

02:21:08.000 Because that feeling is like, God, I don't want to be uncomfortable.

02:21:11.000 I just can't wait until I'm so confident.

02:21:13.000 But you will never be that because if you are, then you won't be funny anymore.

02:21:16.000 Exactly.

02:21:16.000 It's a catch-28.

02:21:18.000 It's brutal.

02:21:19.000 And they always say, do something every day that scares you.

02:21:21.000 And we do every day.

02:21:23.000 I mean, comedy, people are like, why do you get up so much?

02:21:24.000 Because I'm scared of it and I don't want it to overwhelm me.

02:21:27.000 I want to be able to control the fear a little.

02:21:29.000 Also, if you're building your act, it's almost imperative that you go up every day.

02:21:33.000 Oh, it's not almost.

02:21:34.000 Yeah.

02:21:35.000 It is.

02:21:35.000 Yeah, I shouldn't say almost.

02:21:36.000 There's bits that grow the more you do them.

02:21:39.000 Like, you have a new tag, like, oh my god, that tag's perfect.

02:21:42.000 How many times have you done a special, and then a week later you come up with a line, you're like...

02:21:46.000 I wish that was in there.

02:21:47.000 It's the worst.

02:21:48.000 Bits are never done.

02:21:49.000 They're done.

02:21:50.000 They're never done, but then they are.

02:21:51.000 Then they're overdone.

02:21:53.000 Right, right.

02:21:53.000 That's true.

02:21:54.000 You overcook it.

02:21:55.000 Yeah, and then you're like, oh, I hate this bit.

02:21:56.000 I can't wait.

02:21:57.000 And that's a problem if you try to record.

02:21:58.000 You know, Tom Segura had an excellent strategy for that.

02:22:01.000 You know, we were talking about it, and he said- He records quick.

02:22:03.000 He's prolific.

02:22:04.000 He's super prolific.

02:22:05.000 But he also says that what he does is, like some bits, he'll get bored with them, and he just won't use them.

02:22:11.000 For like months at a time and it'll replace him with new bits and then it'll come back to them when he's about to film so it feels fresh.

02:22:19.000 Whoa!

02:22:19.000 I couldn't do that.

02:22:20.000 I need all the time I have.

02:22:22.000 My jokes are too short.

02:22:23.000 That's impressive.

02:22:24.000 Yeah, but you have non-sequiturs.

02:22:25.000 You have a lot of non-sequiturs.

02:22:27.000 Yeah, just boom, boom, boom, boom.

02:22:27.000 And I'm such a...

02:22:29.000 Pussy that I need laughs.

02:22:31.000 Silence, I'm not good with.

02:22:32.000 Like, I see Bill Burr working shit out, and the crowd's like, where's he going with this?

02:22:36.000 And then you see him two weeks later, and it's murdering.

02:22:38.000 Right.

02:22:38.000 To me, I'm like, I gotta get more of that.

02:22:40.000 I gotta get more...

02:22:41.000 The ability to just...

02:22:42.000 Sit in it.

02:22:43.000 Eat the dicks.

02:22:43.000 Yeah, and don't get me wrong, I bomb quite a bit, but...

02:22:46.000 It's not on purpose.

02:22:47.000 Yeah.

02:22:48.000 Yeah, exactly.

02:22:48.000 Exactly.

02:22:49.000 Chris Rock used to do that all the time, man.

02:22:51.000 Yeah, I've seen that.

02:22:52.000 He would walk in there and just fucking...

02:22:54.000 Just try.

02:22:55.000 Just practice shit.

02:22:57.000 What else?

02:22:58.000 What else?

02:22:59.000 Yeah.

02:22:59.000 And he would even tell the audience, hey, don't get too excited.

02:23:01.000 Right.

02:23:02.000 You know?

02:23:02.000 He would just go up there and fucking make it happen.

02:23:05.000 Well, the audience can be such...

02:23:07.000 Yeah.

02:23:21.000 Well, one of the good things about the Comedy Store is they know that we're working shit out.

02:23:24.000 We talk about it so much on podcasts.

02:23:27.000 They know that.

02:23:27.000 And I've had people come up to me and go, dude, I saw that bit four months ago and I just saw it again.

02:23:31.000 It's amazing.

02:23:31.000 That's the best.

02:23:32.000 It's come to life.

02:23:33.000 Yeah.

02:23:33.000 I go, yeah, it sucked four months ago, right?

02:23:35.000 He was like, I didn't think it was going to be very good.

02:23:37.000 Yeah.

02:23:38.000 Of course, but we know.

02:23:39.000 They don't know.

02:23:40.000 But I got a bit of a beef with these bigger name guys doing that.

02:23:44.000 They go, I go to the clubs to work it out.

02:23:45.000 I'm like, well, they're still paid.

02:23:47.000 They're still real people who want to show, so I get a little wishy-washy with that.

02:23:52.000 I like to sandwich bits in between proven bits.

02:23:54.000 That's the move.

02:23:55.000 You gotta try them out.

02:23:56.000 But sometimes I'll open with them, man.

02:23:58.000 Sometimes I'll come out of the gate with a new bit.

02:24:00.000 That works, too, because the fear of it makes you come up with something that you wouldn't have before.

02:24:05.000 It'll also make you really go over it in your head.

02:24:07.000 Make sure you've got all the fucking I's dotted and the T's crossed.

02:24:11.000 Yeah, that's the key.

02:24:12.000 Fear is there, so why not twist it and use it?

02:24:14.000 The way the newspapers spin, you've got to spin your emotions.

02:24:18.000 Exactly.

02:24:19.000 And get something out of it.

02:24:20.000 Exactly.

02:24:21.000 So you're filming tonight.

02:24:22.000 Yeah.

02:24:23.000 And two shows?

02:24:24.000 Two shows.

02:24:25.000 I've been doing this hour forever, and I'm getting to the point where I go back to San Francisco, I go back to Denver, and they go, well, we saw a lot of this.

02:24:31.000 So I've got to put it down.

02:24:32.000 I don't want to let people down with the same material.

02:24:35.000 And it's killer, it's tight, it ends big, it starts big, it's dark, it's edgy, whatever you want to call it.

02:24:41.000 And I can't sell it.

02:24:42.000 Nobody wants to buy it, so fuck it.

02:24:43.000 I'll do it myself.

02:24:44.000 How is nobody buying your special?

02:24:46.000 Well, you got to have a hook now.

02:24:48.000 I feel like if you're a cracker.

02:24:49.000 You know, you got to be depressed.

02:24:50.000 You got to be molested.

02:24:52.000 You got to be half Jew or something.

02:24:55.000 You got to be in a wheelchair.

02:24:56.000 We need a good, hurtful, derogatory term for white men.

02:25:01.000 We need one.

02:25:02.000 Yeah, well, ironically, it's straight white male.

02:25:04.000 Yeah, but it doesn't work.

02:25:05.000 It doesn't hurt.

02:25:06.000 Right.

02:25:06.000 You call me a straight white male, I'm like, eh.

02:25:08.000 Yeah.

02:25:09.000 It's nothing.

02:25:09.000 Yeah, yeah.

02:25:10.000 But, you know, there's words.

02:25:12.000 There's certain words.

02:25:13.000 Sure, but I will say this.

02:25:14.000 When you grow up in a neighborhood and you're the minority, getting called a white boy or honky, it hurts.

02:25:19.000 Okay, so when you grew up and you were a minority, it actually was effective.

02:25:23.000 Yes.

02:25:24.000 But is it effective today still?

02:25:25.000 Not really, but it is...

02:25:27.000 Didn't stick.

02:25:27.000 But if you're a black kid and you grow up in a white neighborhood and you hear that shit all the time and it hurts and then you grow up and then you're no longer in that fucked up environment and someone calls it to you again, it still hurts.

02:25:39.000 Right, right.

02:25:40.000 Still works.

02:25:40.000 Because you're still a minority.

02:25:41.000 Yes.

02:25:42.000 White boy doesn't work anymore.

02:25:43.000 If somebody calls you white boy, you're like, well, I guess you're mad at me.

02:25:46.000 It doesn't hurt, but that's the problem.

02:25:47.000 It's just the intent.

02:25:48.000 Like, why do you want to hurt me?

02:25:49.000 That's what stings, not the actual word.

02:25:51.000 Like, what's your beef?

02:25:53.000 But there's a sting to the N-word that's never been reached with any other word.

02:25:58.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

02:25:59.000 No other word.

02:26:00.000 Cunt.

02:26:00.000 No other word.

02:26:02.000 Nothing.

02:26:02.000 Maybe the F? No, no.

02:26:05.000 No, it's not the same, because they weren't enslaved.

02:26:08.000 Well, not only that, it didn't have dual meaning.

02:26:10.000 Like, that word also has a meaning that you say to your friends in a joking way, and nobody gets upset at all.

02:26:17.000 Right.

02:26:18.000 And you can say it to heterosexual people.

02:26:19.000 Right.

02:26:20.000 They would joke around about it.

02:26:21.000 It means different things.

02:26:22.000 I would never call you the N-word in the locker room.

02:26:25.000 Right, exactly.

02:26:25.000 Unless you were packing.

02:26:26.000 That's exactly.

02:26:27.000 Yeah.

02:26:28.000 Then I'd be like, oh, this guy's a real black guy.

02:26:32.000 Yeah, it's, you know, the real problem is actual racism.

02:26:37.000 If there was no racism, then no one would give a fuck what words you used, and it would all be fun.

02:26:42.000 Because if you had a derogatory term towards people, it wouldn't even work.

02:26:45.000 Right, well, did you see that tweet about how the alt rooms, the audience is all white, and then the club shows it's diverse, even though we're saying the fucked up shit?

02:26:55.000 That's a great point.

02:26:56.000 I should give the guy credit, but I forgot who said it.

02:26:59.000 I did a set at the UCB about 10 years ago.

02:27:01.000 Wow!

02:27:02.000 Is that right?

02:27:03.000 They don't pay.

02:27:04.000 Well, that's a whole different bag of hammers.

02:27:06.000 That's crazy.

02:27:07.000 That's weird.

02:27:07.000 That's crazy.

02:27:08.000 You're selling out every night, you have a packed house, and you don't pay the comics.

02:27:12.000 What are you selling?

02:27:13.000 Are you selling something that I don't know about?

02:27:15.000 This is the name UCB. That's nonsense.

02:27:17.000 That's nonsense.

02:27:18.000 The name UCB exists because of guys like Patton, Sarah Silverman, Louie, and all the people that perform there.

02:27:24.000 Right, right.

02:27:25.000 I mean, look, they got their hustle.

02:27:26.000 I'm not trying to knock it.

02:27:27.000 And it's working, apparently.

02:27:28.000 The comedy store pays.

02:27:30.000 Yeah, it pays well.

02:27:31.000 And it's a fucking great show every night.

02:27:33.000 Yeah.

02:27:33.000 Improv pays.

02:27:34.000 These clubs pay.

02:27:36.000 Right, right.

02:27:37.000 I mean, I don't want all the money.

02:27:38.000 I just, like, you gotta give me something.

02:27:40.000 And I give it to the bartender, and I give it to the door guy, and I give it to the guy who parks the cars.

02:27:44.000 There you go.

02:27:45.000 I spread it around.

02:27:46.000 Right, right.

02:27:47.000 But you gotta, like, you can't take all the money.

02:27:50.000 Yeah, I wrote these jokes.

02:27:51.000 I drove here.

02:27:52.000 Not only that, yeah, it's like, what are you selling?

02:27:55.000 I know.

02:27:55.000 You have a fucked up business that's relying on people being suckers.

02:27:58.000 It's very strange.

02:27:59.000 You're relying on comics being suckers.

02:28:01.000 You think?

02:28:01.000 Yes.

02:28:02.000 But you're getting stage time.

02:28:03.000 So what?

02:28:03.000 I can get stage time anywhere I want.

02:28:05.000 Well, you can.

02:28:05.000 So could you.

02:28:06.000 I can now.

02:28:06.000 You can get stage time at a lot of...

02:28:07.000 You can now.

02:28:08.000 And meanwhile, people would come to see you and they would pay money to see you and you wouldn't get any of that money.

02:28:13.000 What's that about?

02:28:14.000 That is very strange.

02:28:15.000 Nonsense.

02:28:16.000 Right.

02:28:16.000 I filled your room up.

02:28:18.000 Yes, you filled the room up and you killed.

02:28:19.000 Where's the money?

02:28:21.000 Oh, you bought a new house?

02:28:22.000 And then they'll buy a new building.

02:28:24.000 And then these guys are driving Ferraris to work or whatever.

02:28:26.000 I don't know if they're driving Ferraris.

02:28:27.000 They probably drive Hondas.

02:28:29.000 And they take them home.

02:28:30.000 Then they take their Ferrari out.

02:28:31.000 Ha ha ha!

02:28:32.000 Suckers!

02:28:33.000 Also, those audiences aren't as good, which is weird, too.

02:28:35.000 Like, I'm working for free.

02:28:37.000 And, yeah, that's a very precious vibe in there where you say, like, my roommate's gay.

02:28:41.000 And they're like, wait, you said gay.

02:28:42.000 Hold on, let me dissect this.

02:28:43.000 You're like, now you're not even thinking about the joke anymore because you're just so busy worrying about these terms.

02:28:47.000 Well, it's probably a lot of young kids, too.

02:28:49.000 Very young.

02:28:50.000 They're riding that woke pony.

02:28:52.000 Woo!

02:28:53.000 The woke pony.

02:28:54.000 So what are you going to do?

02:28:55.000 Are you going to YouTube it?

02:28:57.000 I'll try to shop it around.

02:28:58.000 What about Amazon?

02:29:00.000 Yeah, they got a lot of...

02:29:02.000 You got to have a favor done for you.

02:29:03.000 Jeff Bezos, what the fuck?

02:29:05.000 Yeah, put it out.

02:29:06.000 Mark Norman, trust me.

02:29:07.000 Killer.

02:29:08.000 Yeah, tweet it out.

02:29:09.000 Do something.

02:29:09.000 I will 100% tweet it out.

02:29:11.000 I appreciate it.

02:29:11.000 Once you film it, I think once you film it and people get a look at it, I bet you'll sell it.

02:29:16.000 I really believe that.

02:29:16.000 I just want eyeballs on it.

02:29:17.000 That's all I want.

02:29:18.000 You'll definitely get that.

02:29:19.000 If you put it on YouTube, I'll tweet the fuck out of it.

02:29:21.000 I appreciate it.

02:29:22.000 You're a good egg.

02:29:24.000 100%.

02:29:24.000 You're a good egg, too.

02:29:26.000 Hey, thanks.

02:29:27.000 But yeah, you start doing comedy, and you feel like you're getting somewhere, and then you try to sell a special that's been worked out for years, and it's tight as a drum, and everybody goes, this is a great thing.

02:29:36.000 Why won't Netflix pick it up?

02:29:38.000 Not what we're looking for.

02:29:39.000 Right.

02:29:39.000 It's all branding now.

02:29:41.000 We want branding.

02:29:42.000 We've got to fit a certain quota, which I guess I get.

02:29:45.000 Do you, though?

02:29:46.000 I'm all about spreading the love and diverse and hooking people up, but if it's funny, it's funny.

02:29:51.000 Stand-up comedy has always been a meritocracy, and I think it should stay that way.

02:29:55.000 And there's plenty of funny women.

02:29:56.000 There's plenty of funny everything.

02:29:58.000 Of course.

02:29:59.000 Fill in the blank.

02:30:00.000 Especially now.

02:30:01.000 I mean, look at all the Asians.

02:30:02.000 There was like one funny Asian, or one famous Asian, I should say.

02:30:05.000 It was Margaret Cho.

02:30:06.000 And now it's like Ronnie Chang, Ali Wong, Shang Wang.

02:30:09.000 Ronnie Chang is fucking hilarious.

02:30:10.000 Killer!

02:30:11.000 He's fucking hilarious.

02:30:12.000 You see the new spesh?

02:30:13.000 Yes.

02:30:13.000 Very good.

02:30:14.000 He's good, man.

02:30:15.000 Yeah, and he's angry.

02:30:16.000 Yeah, angry and tight and relatable.

02:30:19.000 Like, the topics, fucking tight shit.

02:30:22.000 Really good, man.

02:30:23.000 He had that great bit about the internet, about how it's going to be like smoking in 20 years.

02:30:28.000 Like, I can't believe you let your kid look at the internet.

02:30:29.000 You looked at the internet while you were pregnant?

02:30:31.000 Yeah.

02:30:32.000 Great bit.

02:30:33.000 Great angle.

02:30:33.000 That is a great angle.

02:30:34.000 That's a great angle.

02:30:35.000 Yeah, there's a lot of good comedy right now.

02:30:37.000 There's a lot of bad comedy.

02:30:38.000 There's a lot of...

02:30:39.000 Yeah, but there's more good comedy than I think there's ever been before.

02:30:42.000 Of course, of course.

02:30:43.000 I don't think I've ever known a time where there's this many straight-up assassins.

02:30:47.000 Yeah.

02:30:48.000 Why do you think that is?

02:30:49.000 The internet.

02:30:50.000 Yeah.

02:30:51.000 More platforms for people.

02:30:52.000 You know, look at guys like Schultz, who's literally become one of the biggest comics in the world.

02:30:57.000 He's huge!

02:30:57.000 Just through putting his own stuff online, and for the same reason, because they didn't want to buy his shit.

02:31:02.000 Sure, sure.

02:31:03.000 But he's filming a new one, and that is getting picked up by someone.

02:31:06.000 I heard.

02:31:06.000 Yeah, listen.

02:31:07.000 The world is open for great content, and he takes advantage of all the platforms.

02:31:12.000 He's really good at putting funny videos on, all those fashion videos that he does.

02:31:17.000 I mean, he orchestrates them and coordinates them, and I think he'll go down in history as some kind of marketing guru.

02:31:22.000 He's a genius.

02:31:23.000 It's impressive.

02:31:23.000 And he's a great comic on top of that, which you usually don't get.

02:31:27.000 Right.

02:31:27.000 You usually get a really good marketer who kind of sucks as a comic, or you get a guy like Attell, who's a genius who doesn't market himself at all.

02:31:34.000 No, he can barely sell a DVD. And he doesn't change, his clothes is the same thing.

02:31:40.000 It's a hat, a black jacket.

02:31:42.000 It's like he wears the same shit.

02:31:43.000 Yeah, he always says, I look like an unemployed umpire.

02:31:47.000 I mean, he's fucking brilliant.

02:31:48.000 He's amazing.

02:31:49.000 But he's the worst marketer of all time.

02:31:51.000 When I hear that he can't sell tickets in certain markets, I'm like, what are you talking about?

02:31:56.000 I almost want him to call me every time he's got a gig and I'll tweet it.

02:32:00.000 But people want a cartoon when you really break it down.

02:32:03.000 I know of guys who are funnier than Fluffy, but Fluffy sells out arenas because they like him.

02:32:09.000 That's not just about the writing.

02:32:10.000 He's very personable.

02:32:11.000 Yes, he's very likable.

02:32:12.000 I think the problem with the tale is that he doesn't market himself well.

02:32:15.000 Right.

02:32:15.000 And no one else does either.

02:32:17.000 That's all it is.

02:32:17.000 But I think the bumping mics things changed.

02:32:19.000 That helped.

02:32:19.000 That helped him.

02:32:20.000 Because Jeff Ross is such a personable guy, and the two of them together, it's hilarious.

02:32:23.000 Right, right.

02:32:24.000 And it's fun, and it's a really big Netflix show.

02:32:26.000 Yeah, and he's great at it.

02:32:27.000 And they can do a hundred of those.

02:32:29.000 Oh, yeah.

02:32:29.000 The two of them together, they can do a hundred of those.

02:32:31.000 It never ends.

02:32:32.000 But I just think people need to know, it's gotta be like, we're animals.

02:32:35.000 You gotta go, oh, the fat guy.

02:32:37.000 Oh, the dumb guy.

02:32:37.000 Right, right, right.

02:32:38.000 Or the family guy, you know?

02:32:39.000 Right, right, right.

02:32:39.000 Yeah, fluffy.

02:32:40.000 Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

02:32:41.000 I like that guy.

02:32:42.000 Yeah, Hawaiian shirt, big guy, Hispanic.

02:32:43.000 Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

02:32:44.000 Yeah, yeah.

02:32:44.000 It's gotta be bite-sized nugget of who you are.

02:32:47.000 I know you're into cars.

02:32:49.000 Yeah!

02:32:49.000 I'm doing Matt's show tomorrow.

02:32:50.000 You're doing Matt Ferris' show?

02:32:51.000 Beautiful.

02:32:51.000 8 a.m.

02:32:51.000 Venice, baby.

02:32:53.000 Malibu.

02:32:53.000 I'm driving a...

02:32:54.000 I love it.

02:32:55.000 You're probably hungover.

02:32:56.000 Oh, I'm going to be hurting.

02:32:56.000 That's early, too.

02:32:58.000 Nice.

02:32:58.000 I'll probably be legally drunk.

02:33:00.000 Fluffy's into cars, but he's into Volkswagen buses.

02:33:04.000 Bro, he's got like 30 of them.

02:33:06.000 That's a weird choice.

02:33:07.000 They're crazy.

02:33:08.000 He's got a warehouse filled with Volkswagen buses.

02:33:11.000 I like them, but...

02:33:11.000 But they're all, like, customized.

02:33:13.000 Really?

02:33:13.000 Yeah, it's crazy.

02:33:14.000 Like, I never would have guessed.

02:33:15.000 Like, someone told me he's a car guy.

02:33:17.000 I mean, he's got a bunch of other cars, too.

02:33:18.000 Yeah.

02:33:18.000 Because he's rich!

02:33:20.000 But he's got a warehouse filled with these fucking Volkswagen buses.

02:33:25.000 What a weird vice.

02:33:26.000 Look at that.

02:33:26.000 Look at his Volkswagen buses.

02:33:28.000 Whoa!

02:33:29.000 They're dope, too.

02:33:30.000 They're like mint.

02:33:31.000 Mint condition.

02:33:32.000 Yeah, it's like a sneaker collection.

02:33:33.000 It's just got different colors.

02:33:34.000 Look at that.

02:33:34.000 And all these Volkswagen posters on the wall.

02:33:37.000 They're pretty badass.

02:33:38.000 But how weird is that, that he kept buying them?

02:33:40.000 That's fascinating.

02:33:40.000 After he had two, and he's like, eh, I'm good.

02:33:42.000 It's weird that that's the thing that grabs him.

02:33:45.000 He's like, I gotta have them.

02:33:47.000 He probably has more than 30. I mean, look at that.

02:33:50.000 Hey, click on that video.

02:33:51.000 Can you click on that video?

02:33:53.000 No, we can't.

02:33:53.000 We can't play it.

02:33:54.000 I've got to wrap this up anyway.

02:33:56.000 Oh, shit.

02:33:56.000 We're closing in on 6 p.m.

02:33:58.000 By the way, you never let me drive that Tesla.

02:34:00.000 I'm holding you to it.

02:34:01.000 All right, I will let you drive it.

02:34:02.000 One day.

02:34:03.000 One day.

02:34:03.000 I still don't know how to drive a stick.

02:34:04.000 Tomorrow, you're going to do Matt Ferris show.

02:34:07.000 Are you around tomorrow night?

02:34:08.000 Oh, yeah.

02:34:09.000 Come to the store, baby.

02:34:10.000 I didn't want to bug anybody.

02:34:11.000 Come to the store.

02:34:12.000 I'll get you on.

02:34:12.000 Really?

02:34:13.000 Oh, I'll be there.

02:34:14.000 I'll make a call.

02:34:15.000 Oh, thanks, man.

02:34:17.000 All right.

02:34:18.000 Mark Norman on Twitter.

02:34:20.000 Mark Norman on Instagram.

02:34:21.000 Yeah, my podcast, Tuesdays with Stories, and MarkNormanComedy.com.

02:34:25.000 Yes.

02:34:25.000 And we'll let you know as soon as this special, wherever it lands, wherever it's going to be, we'll tweet the shit out of that.

02:34:31.000 Not a bad person.

02:34:32.000 Praise Allah.

02:34:33.000 Bye, everybody!

The Joe Rogan Experience - January 31, 2020

Joe Rogan Experience #1420 - Mark Normand

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