The Joe Rogan Experience - Joe Rogan Experience #1440

00:00:00.000 Three, two, one...

00:00:02.000 Fortune!

00:00:03.000 What's up?

00:00:04.000 Good to see you.

00:00:05.000 You too.

00:00:05.000 This is exciting.

00:00:06.000 It's exciting for me too.

00:00:08.000 Our first date.

00:00:09.000 Do you have a special coming out or something?

00:00:12.000 It just came out like a month ago.

00:00:14.000 Oh, it's out already?

00:00:15.000 Yeah.

00:00:16.000 I didn't even know.

00:00:16.000 Well, there's a lot of specials coming out right now.

00:00:18.000 God damn, is this the craziest time ever for specials?

00:00:20.000 Yeah, it's like one after another after another.

00:00:22.000 It really is.

00:00:23.000 I can't remember ever in the history of comedy that there's been this many specials released.

00:00:28.000 No, and just killers every week.

00:00:30.000 Yeah, speaking special.

00:00:32.000 Pull up the video of Tom Segura's new special.

00:00:38.000 Netflix is a joke on Instagram, has a copy of it.

00:00:43.000 Oh, because he's doing English and Spanish, right?

00:00:45.000 Yeah, this one's just English, and he's going to do one in Spanish.

00:00:49.000 People don't know that Tom Segura is fluent in Espanol.

00:00:53.000 He had his mom on his podcast, and that was cool.

00:00:55.000 In Spanish!

00:00:56.000 Yeah, it's amazing.

00:00:58.000 Yeah, it's funny because he looks so white.

00:01:00.000 He looks like a white bro.

00:01:01.000 I know.

00:01:02.000 Sometimes Mexicans will talk shit around him and he'll just look at them and then say something in Spanish and they're like, oh no.

00:01:08.000 Oh, that's the best.

00:01:08.000 To have that secret weapon.

00:01:10.000 Especially in LA. There's a video of it.

00:01:14.000 Does he have lipstick on?

00:01:15.000 That's what I was gonna say!

00:01:16.000 Thank you!

00:01:18.000 Play the video.

00:01:19.000 I love you, Tom.

00:01:20.000 Play the video.

00:01:21.000 They fucked him.

00:01:22.000 He let some lady put makeup.

00:01:24.000 I never let them put makeup on me.

00:01:26.000 Never.

00:01:27.000 And they always bring someone.

00:01:28.000 And this is why.

00:01:29.000 This is why.

00:01:30.000 They made him out.

00:01:32.000 And by the way, they color corrected it because it was way worse than that before.

00:01:35.000 Oh, really?

00:01:36.000 He told me it was way worse than that.

00:01:39.000 I go, what the fuck, bro?

00:01:41.000 He's like, I know.

00:01:42.000 I go, dude, you can't let them do that to you.

00:01:44.000 It looks like he kissed Christina and then went out to do the show.

00:01:48.000 He looks like a clown.

00:01:49.000 He looks like a clown from the 1930s.

00:01:52.000 Like one of them black and white movies.

00:01:53.000 Like, look at that.

00:01:54.000 That's crazy.

00:01:55.000 They put lipstick on him.

00:01:57.000 They put lipstick on him and they put white makeup all over his face.

00:02:00.000 I had that happen once because you really can't tell when they're putting it on.

00:02:05.000 Someone made me look like the marionette doll with the big red rosy cheeks and I was hosting an award show and the whole speech is online.

00:02:14.000 It's so crazy because you let someone dictate what your image is going to be.

00:02:18.000 Someone that really has no business doing that.

00:02:20.000 They just do makeup and when someone does makeup they want to do makeup.

00:02:24.000 They want to do you.

00:02:25.000 Like that.

00:02:27.000 Preposterous.

00:02:28.000 He just needs to put some chapstick on.

00:02:29.000 Ridiculous.

00:02:30.000 That's it.

00:02:30.000 Look, that's what he looks like.

00:02:32.000 This is what I always say.

00:02:34.000 I'm the only one in the UFC broadcast that doesn't put makeup on, too.

00:02:38.000 Yeah.

00:02:38.000 And I'm like, we're talking to people that are getting their heads punched in.

00:02:43.000 Okay, literally, Ioana Jacek, who's the former strawweight champion, She had a fight with this woman, Zhang Weili, who is the strawweight champion from China.

00:02:52.000 It's crazy, epic, like one of the best fights in history.

00:02:56.000 At the end of it, Ioana's head was like a Frankenstein forehead.

00:03:01.000 Yeah.

00:03:02.000 Crazy.

00:03:03.000 Yeah, look at her forehead.

00:03:04.000 Now imagine me with makeup on standing next to her.

00:03:08.000 That would be ridiculous, right?

00:03:09.000 I refuse!

00:03:10.000 You're like, look at my foundation.

00:03:12.000 They're like, well, we're just gonna cut down the shine.

00:03:14.000 Who gives a fuck if I'm shiny?

00:03:16.000 Literally no one cares.

00:03:18.000 Yeah, she's got a double forehead now.

00:03:21.000 It's a double, triple forehead.

00:03:23.000 Everything's swollen.

00:03:24.000 Is it back down?

00:03:25.000 I don't know.

00:03:26.000 She hasn't taken, and that's what she looks like normally.

00:03:29.000 Beautiful lady.

00:03:29.000 She's so tough.

00:03:31.000 Yeah.

00:03:31.000 That lady is as tough as human beings can possibly be.

00:03:34.000 Oh my gosh.

00:03:34.000 Because she like never even flinched.

00:03:36.000 Her fucking forehead's twice the size of normal.

00:03:39.000 She didn't even flinch.

00:03:40.000 She kept throwing bombs.

00:03:41.000 It was amazing.

00:03:42.000 Yeah.

00:03:43.000 Epic.

00:03:43.000 How long did it go?

00:03:44.000 Five rounds.

00:03:45.000 Five rounds.

00:03:45.000 25 whole minutes of chaos.

00:03:47.000 And it was even the whole fight.

00:03:50.000 The whole fight was like back and forth and back and forth and back and forth.

00:03:53.000 It was amazing.

00:03:54.000 Are you guys super bummed out when people throw one punch and the person falls down and that's it?

00:04:00.000 No.

00:04:00.000 That's exciting too.

00:04:01.000 Yeah, it's exciting.

00:04:02.000 The sport is crazy.

00:04:04.000 It can happen that way.

00:04:06.000 There was a recent fight where Donald Cerrone fought Conor McGregor.

00:04:12.000 In the clinch, Conor McGregor slammed his shoulder into Donald's nose and broke his nose.

00:04:18.000 So they came out of the clinch, like seconds into the fight, his nose is bleeding.

00:04:22.000 And then he got head kicked and he got pummeled and they stopped the fight in 40 seconds.

00:04:26.000 Oh my gosh!

00:04:27.000 Yeah, and everybody was bummed out because it was this huge pay-per-view event, this big deal, but that's part of what's crazy about this sport is that it's the fighting in either boxing, kickboxing, or MMA is the only sport where you can end it early.

00:04:40.000 Right.

00:04:40.000 Like football goes the distance.

00:04:42.000 Yeah.

00:04:42.000 You're in for three and a half, four hours.

00:04:46.000 Yeah.

00:04:46.000 Baseball goes all the innings.

00:04:48.000 It's like that's just how it goes.

00:04:49.000 Yeah.

00:04:50.000 But fighting can end in 10 seconds.

00:04:52.000 We've had fights that have ended, I think, Well, who's got the record now?

00:04:57.000 It was Dwayne Ludwig, but...

00:04:59.000 Masvidal took it, I think, right?

00:05:00.000 That's right.

00:05:01.000 Masvidal took it.

00:05:01.000 It was like eight seconds, but it was like four or five.

00:05:03.000 It's not really.

00:05:04.000 I don't even think they gave it eight.

00:05:05.000 I think they said it's five, but I think it's three.

00:05:07.000 What do you do at the live event?

00:05:09.000 Everyone's just like, all right, time to go.

00:05:11.000 Well, there's 12 fights that night.

00:05:13.000 Oh, gotcha.

00:05:13.000 So that was just one fight out of many, many, many, many fights.

00:05:16.000 I clearly know a lot about that.

00:05:19.000 Have you ever watched one live?

00:05:21.000 Yeah, not live, but on TV. You should go.

00:05:23.000 I'll get you tickets.

00:05:24.000 I love that.

00:05:24.000 You'll go crazy.

00:05:25.000 It's pretty wild.

00:05:26.000 It looks so fun.

00:05:28.000 Yeah, it's pretty fun.

00:05:29.000 No one's ever invited me, and I'm not proactive enough to be like, let me get some tickets.

00:05:35.000 Now you've been invited.

00:05:36.000 Bring your boy Tom Papa.

00:05:37.000 I will.

00:05:38.000 Yeah, he needs to go, too.

00:05:40.000 Bring his bread.

00:05:42.000 I wonder if he's been to one.

00:05:43.000 I don't think he has.

00:05:44.000 I don't think so.

00:05:45.000 We're like, hey guys, we're here to see a fight.

00:05:48.000 Has Tom ever been to one?

00:05:49.000 I don't think so.

00:05:49.000 Probably not.

00:05:51.000 Maybe?

00:05:52.000 Jamie seems like maybe.

00:05:53.000 Maybe he showed up with Hannibal one time a long time ago, but I can't remember.

00:05:57.000 Oh yeah, maybe.

00:05:58.000 Tom's always up for anything.

00:06:00.000 Hannibal goes a lot.

00:06:02.000 Hannibal's gone to a gang of them.

00:06:04.000 Yeah.

00:06:06.000 So you do that morning show with Tom.

00:06:09.000 I do, yeah.

00:06:09.000 Do you enjoy it?

00:06:10.000 I love it, except for the 5.30 wake-up.

00:06:13.000 Yeah, that's horseshit.

00:06:14.000 Why do you guys have to do it that way?

00:06:16.000 Every comic that comes to the show is like, why are you waking up this early?

00:06:19.000 Because we're all doing spots so late, you know?

00:06:21.000 Yeah.

00:06:22.000 Well, this is the new world.

00:06:23.000 You don't have to do that anymore.

00:06:25.000 Yeah.

00:06:25.000 Just a whole idea of, like, it has to be on at 8 a.m., ready, go!

00:06:30.000 I don't know.

00:06:31.000 That's just how they set it up.

00:06:32.000 You know, 7 to 9 every morning, Monday through Thursday.

00:06:35.000 We're doing it for Netflix.

00:06:36.000 That's cool.

00:06:37.000 They have a new SiriusXM channel.

00:06:39.000 That's very cool.

00:06:40.000 93. They give you numbers?

00:06:42.000 They tell you how many people are listening?

00:06:43.000 They give you no information.

00:06:45.000 What the fuck, Netflix?

00:06:45.000 You have no idea.

00:06:46.000 We have no idea.

00:06:47.000 We only know that people are listening because they call in.

00:06:50.000 That's all.

00:06:50.000 That's the only way we know.

00:06:53.000 Just talking to mics, you hope there's an audience.

00:06:57.000 It's kind of fun, though, that way.

00:06:59.000 It would be kind of fun to do a show where no one could record it, and it just goes out live, and there's no recording it at all.

00:07:07.000 That's what radio used to be.

00:07:09.000 That was one of the fun things about the Howard Stern Show back in the day, because it was so crazy for radio.

00:07:16.000 But you were hearing this, and this is the only time you were ever going to hear it.

00:07:19.000 I remember when his show was on the E! Channel.

00:07:23.000 That's right.

00:07:23.000 I was like, him and Anna Nicole Smith show.

00:07:26.000 I was like, yeah.

00:07:28.000 That's right.

00:07:29.000 I forgot she had a show.

00:07:30.000 Yeah.

00:07:31.000 Rest in peace.

00:07:32.000 Poor Anna.

00:07:33.000 She was one of the first, like, I mean, if Instagram was around, she would have been one of the first Insta-hoes.

00:07:40.000 Like a reality celebrity.

00:07:42.000 Yes.

00:07:43.000 Everyone was following her life and her lawyer.

00:07:46.000 Right.

00:07:47.000 Yeah.

00:07:48.000 Howard, his name's Howard.

00:07:49.000 J. Howard Marshall.

00:07:50.000 Stern?

00:07:50.000 Oh, no, no, different guy.

00:07:52.000 Yeah, I think it is Howard Stern.

00:07:53.000 Yeah.

00:07:53.000 Yeah, different Howard Stern.

00:07:55.000 So they had two Howard Stearns on the E channel.

00:07:57.000 That's right.

00:07:58.000 Yeah.

00:07:58.000 And that was post-divorce after her husband, well, not divorce, he died.

00:08:02.000 Oh, the old guy?

00:08:03.000 Yeah.

00:08:04.000 That was the best cash-in ever.

00:08:06.000 Her with him, it was the best cash-in ever.

00:08:09.000 Yeah.

00:08:09.000 He was like 95 years old in a wheelchair, and she was a fucking bombshell.

00:08:13.000 She's like, love of my life.

00:08:15.000 Oh, look at that.

00:08:16.000 Did she get money?

00:08:17.000 Oh, hell yeah.

00:08:18.000 Because I know his kids were fighting.

00:08:21.000 Yeah, they were trying to keep the money from her.

00:08:23.000 But look, a deal's a deal.

00:08:24.000 That's always a bummer, though.

00:08:25.000 If you were the kid of that guy...

00:08:27.000 I had a whole bit about it.

00:08:29.000 They're like, oh, he doesn't know what's...

00:08:31.000 I go, he's a billionaire.

00:08:33.000 He's like 95 years old.

00:08:34.000 He made a billion dollars from scratch.

00:08:36.000 And my joke was, you know, like, don't you think he's a tad crafty?

00:08:40.000 I don't think he knows what's going on.

00:08:42.000 He doesn't give a fuck.

00:08:43.000 He doesn't have any time left.

00:08:44.000 But, like, two kids or however many kids he has, they don't need a billion dollars.

00:08:49.000 Look at the size of his ears.

00:08:50.000 That's one weird thing that happens to old people.

00:08:51.000 Their ears keep growing.

00:08:52.000 Yeah.

00:08:53.000 I'm looking forward to having giant-ass ears.

00:08:55.000 Their face shrinks.

00:08:56.000 I think I'm going to get my ears reduced when I hit 150. Oh, really?

00:08:59.000 Yeah.

00:09:00.000 150. That's what my plan is.

00:09:02.000 My plan's about 150, 160. I'm going to die on the operating table, get my ears reduced.

00:09:06.000 I'm just trying to...

00:09:08.000 I'm just trying to make it to 50. 50?

00:09:10.000 That's it?

00:09:11.000 That's all you want out of this life?

00:09:12.000 No, I want more.

00:09:13.000 I want more.

00:09:14.000 Dude, this fucking shit.

00:09:15.000 Coronavirus.

00:09:16.000 We had a guy on yesterday talking about the coronavirus.

00:09:19.000 Oh man, I heard.

00:09:20.000 It's not good.

00:09:20.000 I heard that he was in here.

00:09:21.000 It's nerve-wracking.

00:09:22.000 Yeah.

00:09:22.000 It's not good.

00:09:23.000 Well, because, you know, you don't really know what's coming.

00:09:27.000 Well, here's the thing.

00:09:28.000 There's a whole bunch of other diseases that we discussed, too, like chronic wasting disease.

00:09:32.000 There's a lot of shit that's on the table that could happen to people.

00:09:37.000 There's all these pandemics that are possible.

00:09:40.000 Well, aren't there, like, because certain things are melting, certain diseases that are sort of, like, being uncovered from...

00:09:48.000 That's a theory, yeah.

00:09:49.000 Yeah, I don't know.

00:09:49.000 Yeah, there's a theory that the permafrost is going to release when it gets melted.

00:09:55.000 It's going to release some ancient bacteria that we don't have an immunity to.

00:09:59.000 Oh, man.

00:10:00.000 It's possible.

00:10:01.000 It's all possible.

00:10:02.000 It's good times right now.

00:10:03.000 There's something that happens with any time you have overpopulation.

00:10:08.000 And one of the things that happens is nature starts to try to course correct.

00:10:12.000 Nature's like, there's too many.

00:10:14.000 There's too many.

00:10:14.000 Let's do something.

00:10:15.000 And it happens with animals.

00:10:16.000 They get diseases and a bunch of them die off.

00:10:19.000 It happens with people as well.

00:10:21.000 It's not a coincidence that this disease came out of China, which is heavily overpopulated.

00:10:28.000 He was talking to us in depth about these wet markets that they have in China, where they have all these animals that they sell, and they're all just laying around.

00:10:37.000 He said there was chickens, and what was above the chickens?

00:10:41.000 Civets?

00:10:43.000 Chickens were over those.

00:10:44.000 They were like dropping their shit on them or something.

00:10:46.000 And it was civets below, right?

00:10:47.000 Yeah.

00:10:48.000 And there was some weird combination with that.

00:10:50.000 Right.

00:10:50.000 And he was saying like with crossover diseases, that's like a test tube.

00:10:53.000 Like you're literally doing experiments.

00:10:55.000 Right.

00:10:56.000 But he's like the perfect test tube, perfect environment for creating a new disease.

00:11:01.000 Yeah.

00:11:02.000 As we've seen, wasn't this started from bats?

00:11:05.000 Yes.

00:11:05.000 Some people are eating bats over there.

00:11:08.000 Bro.

00:11:11.000 I'm a sweet and sour chicken gal myself.

00:11:15.000 Sweet and sour chicken sounds good right now.

00:11:17.000 Sweet and sour bat.

00:11:18.000 Bats is what you eat when you're starving to death.

00:11:20.000 I mean, yeah, that's true.

00:11:22.000 Slim pickings in certain places.

00:11:24.000 Well, China, again, has a fucking billion people.

00:11:27.000 And when you see the stuff that they're eating over there, there was a salamander that they had that was like...

00:11:33.000 I mean, like the size of your thigh bone.

00:11:35.000 Yeah.

00:11:35.000 It was huge.

00:11:36.000 Enormous fucking salamander.

00:11:37.000 They're holding it down with a meat cleaver.

00:11:39.000 About to hack up this salamander.

00:11:41.000 They're like, it's all food.

00:11:42.000 Look at that bat.

00:11:43.000 Oh, man.

00:11:44.000 Bro.

00:11:46.000 That's gnarly.

00:11:47.000 And they got the wing spread to let you know it's a good one.

00:11:49.000 That's a big bat.

00:11:50.000 That's a juicy bat.

00:11:51.000 A lot of meat there.

00:11:52.000 That's a lunch.

00:11:53.000 Do we have bats that big?

00:11:55.000 I don't believe we do.

00:11:56.000 I felt like they were always like, yay big.

00:11:58.000 In America, if we had bats that big, we'd whack them.

00:12:00.000 We'd be like, that's enough.

00:12:02.000 That's enough you, you fucks.

00:12:03.000 Back to the Stone Age.

00:12:04.000 I only saw bats when we had swim meets.

00:12:07.000 Look at those fucking things.

00:12:09.000 Look at the mouths on those things.

00:12:11.000 Open that up.

00:12:12.000 What is that?

00:12:12.000 I don't know.

00:12:13.000 What the fuck is those little werewolves?

00:12:15.000 That is crazy.

00:12:16.000 Bro, what are the mouths on those things?

00:12:19.000 Yeah, those like sharp teeth.

00:12:20.000 Those bats with the wings chopped off, baby.

00:12:23.000 No way!

00:12:24.000 Is it?

00:12:24.000 I guess I've never seen a bat up close.

00:12:28.000 Like no arm or something.

00:12:30.000 Whoa, dude, I think you're right.

00:12:32.000 Find out what that is.

00:12:33.000 I need to know.

00:12:34.000 Those are huge.

00:12:35.000 Clearly, they're popular because that's a lot of bats for sale.

00:12:39.000 I wonder if they're delicious.

00:12:40.000 Imagine if we're missing out.

00:12:41.000 Oh, those are bats.

00:12:42.000 Those are bats.

00:12:43.000 They are bats!

00:12:44.000 Oh god, that is what they look like.

00:12:45.000 What do they do with the wings?

00:12:46.000 Look at the fucking teeth on those monsters!

00:12:48.000 Imagine if they were like the size of a horse flying around.

00:12:52.000 A dragon.

00:12:53.000 Yeah, that is a dragon.

00:12:55.000 Look at the teeth on those fuckers.

00:12:56.000 It doesn't even look real.

00:12:58.000 Yeah.

00:12:59.000 I like how when they die their mouths are open like they're still trying to bite you.

00:13:02.000 Just to let you know.

00:13:04.000 You gotta be hungry as fuck.

00:13:05.000 Where is that?

00:13:06.000 I'm gonna haunt you.

00:13:06.000 Did you say that was in Indonesia?

00:13:08.000 Is that what it said?

00:13:08.000 Yeah, I just typed in bats in the wet market so we could see what it looked like.

00:13:13.000 Mmm.

00:13:14.000 My dog threw up in my car today, and I caught it in a coffee cup.

00:13:17.000 Oh, wow, that's impressive.

00:13:19.000 Well, he was sitting in the front seat, and sometimes he gets sick, especially when he just eats.

00:13:24.000 Yeah.

00:13:24.000 And I saw the...

00:13:26.000 Yeah.

00:13:28.000 They start moving, and I just put a coffee cup right where his mouth is while I was driving.

00:13:32.000 He filled the coffee cup up.

00:13:34.000 Yeah, I have a little dog who will just throw up out of nowhere.

00:13:38.000 Dogs throw up.

00:13:39.000 But they do give you warning, which is nice.

00:13:41.000 We always grab them and pull them off the couch.

00:13:44.000 Well, when you're driving, you know, the fortunate thing is he's sitting right next to me in the front seat.

00:13:49.000 Yeah, he's so cute.

00:13:50.000 He's adorable, isn't he?

00:13:51.000 That's a good dog.

00:13:52.000 He's a sweetie pie.

00:13:53.000 Gotta love that dog.

00:13:55.000 I've never had a golden retriever before.

00:13:57.000 Yeah.

00:13:57.000 That's my first one, but...

00:13:58.000 They're like the best dogs ever.

00:14:00.000 It's like a classic dog.

00:14:01.000 Yeah, they're so sweet.

00:14:03.000 Yeah, loyal.

00:14:04.000 They just want love.

00:14:05.000 That's all they want.

00:14:06.000 Totally.

00:14:07.000 Just wants to hang out with you and give you kisses and go on walks and shit.

00:14:10.000 My dogs are like six and a half pounds.

00:14:12.000 What are they?

00:14:12.000 What do you have?

00:14:13.000 Well, one's a Pomeranian.

00:14:14.000 It's a little guy.

00:14:15.000 Oh, those are cute little dogs, but they're a little yappy.

00:14:18.000 They are, but we got one that is not yappy.

00:14:21.000 Really?

00:14:21.000 Yeah.

00:14:22.000 You're lucky.

00:14:23.000 We hit the jackpot.

00:14:24.000 And then the other one's a terrier chihuahua mix.

00:14:27.000 She's like eight pounds.

00:14:28.000 Oh, wow.

00:14:28.000 But they guard our house.

00:14:30.000 They're going to cause some damage.

00:14:33.000 Well, they're good guards in that they let you know something's up.

00:14:37.000 Like if someone's out there, they're...

00:14:38.000 So you got a gun.

00:14:40.000 That's probably the best way.

00:14:41.000 I don't have a gun.

00:14:43.000 You don't have a gun?

00:14:43.000 No.

00:14:44.000 You want one?

00:14:45.000 I don't know.

00:14:46.000 I would want to learn how to use it first.

00:14:48.000 Oh, for sure.

00:14:49.000 Yeah, because I don't want to just have one.

00:14:51.000 Would you be interested in that?

00:14:53.000 I've been to shooting ranges for sure.

00:14:55.000 I mean, I'm from North Carolina.

00:14:57.000 That's part of, you know.

00:14:58.000 Part of the culture.

00:14:59.000 Yeah.

00:15:00.000 And I went to, randomly, Luke Bryan's house and shot guns for the first time.

00:15:06.000 He's buddies with my buddy Cam Haynes.

00:15:09.000 Yeah.

00:15:10.000 They're real close.

00:15:11.000 I've never met him.

00:15:11.000 He's a cool dude.

00:15:12.000 I heard he's the best.

00:15:13.000 I went to a charity event they had at their house, and it's so nice.

00:15:18.000 But he had skeet shooting.

00:15:19.000 I didn't get to do that, but then they had some rifle shooting.

00:15:23.000 That's the way to live.

00:15:24.000 And then the long...

00:15:26.000 Rifle?

00:15:27.000 Yeah.

00:15:29.000 The long thing.

00:15:31.000 You know, the long thingy.

00:15:33.000 The barrel part.

00:15:33.000 Here's what's crazy, though.

00:15:35.000 My partner, she acted like, oh, what's this?

00:15:38.000 It's a rifle?

00:15:39.000 Hmm.

00:15:40.000 How do you use one of these?

00:15:41.000 And then there's a five target.

00:15:43.000 She goes, pow, pow, pow, pow.

00:15:46.000 Hits every single one of them.

00:15:47.000 And I was like...

00:15:49.000 What?

00:15:50.000 She's sandbagging.

00:15:51.000 She's lying to you.

00:15:52.000 She's lying to me.

00:15:52.000 Yeah, that bitch has been practicing.

00:15:54.000 While you're at work, she's out there shooting.

00:15:55.000 If you see me on Dateline, you heard it here first.

00:16:01.000 I'll let everybody know.

00:16:02.000 Yeah, thank you.

00:16:03.000 That bitch is sandbagging.

00:16:04.000 Man.

00:16:05.000 She's got a Punisher t-shirt hidden away in her closet.

00:16:07.000 Yeah.

00:16:08.000 But, you know, I would want to learn the gun safety, how to use it better.

00:16:14.000 That's pretty straightforward, though.

00:16:16.000 I mean, they could teach you that in just a few minutes.

00:16:18.000 Yeah.

00:16:19.000 As long as you're paying attention.

00:16:20.000 Yeah.

00:16:21.000 Just, you know, make sure the safety's on.

00:16:23.000 Make sure there's nothing in the chamber.

00:16:24.000 Keep your finger off the trigger.

00:16:26.000 Don't ever point it at somebody, even when it's not loaded.

00:16:29.000 That's where, when you hear about people doing really stupid things, it's just, that's what it is.

00:16:32.000 It's just not respecting gun safety.

00:16:35.000 Right.

00:16:35.000 Yeah.

00:16:36.000 Was that some Instagrammer or TikTok or some guy shot his fucking computer accidentally?

00:16:42.000 The guy on Twitch did it live on Twitch.

00:16:45.000 Oh jeez.

00:16:46.000 Moron.

00:16:46.000 He thought it was unloaded and he pulled a trigger on his computer and fucking shot around through his computer.

00:16:52.000 It's like video taming him and then disappears.

00:16:56.000 Silly bitch.

00:16:57.000 Yeah.

00:16:57.000 My brother's in the military so he's...

00:17:02.000 Here it is.

00:17:03.000 Let's watch this guy.

00:17:08.000 Try again?

00:17:09.000 No.

00:17:10.000 Did they remove it?

00:17:11.000 Sometimes when you hit that video to play on Twitter, it doesn't play the first time.

00:17:16.000 You mean when it's embedded in someone's...

00:17:17.000 Yeah.

00:17:18.000 Yeah, when it's embedded in someone's page.

00:17:19.000 Oh, yeah, no, it is taken down.

00:17:20.000 Oh, man.

00:17:21.000 Oh, unavailable.

00:17:23.000 You cannot see this.

00:17:24.000 How are they going to take that down?

00:17:26.000 It's too real, man.

00:17:28.000 We don't want you to know that...

00:17:30.000 That happens.

00:17:31.000 He shot his Yeti cup.

00:17:34.000 Is that what it is?

00:17:35.000 Oh, he did.

00:17:36.000 He shot a bunch of things.

00:17:37.000 It was on his desk.

00:17:38.000 I was about to say.

00:17:39.000 It went right through his computer screen, I think.

00:17:42.000 It ricocheted?

00:17:44.000 Whatever.

00:17:45.000 Yeah.

00:17:46.000 What happens to someone like that?

00:17:47.000 They take their gun away?

00:17:50.000 They should.

00:17:51.000 It's against the law, I think, right?

00:17:53.000 To fire it off in your house?

00:17:56.000 You can get fined, I think.

00:17:57.000 Yeah, you can't get fined if you shoot an intruder.

00:17:59.000 If you shoot a person, you're alright.

00:18:02.000 Oh, that's okay.

00:18:02.000 If you shoot your computer, even if you shoot a person, like in Texas, you can kind of, you can shoot, I remember a story where a guy was repoing a guy's car.

00:18:13.000 A guy hadn't made payments on his truck, I believe.

00:18:15.000 And the repo guy was opening up the door, and you know, with the Slim Jim and getting into his car, and the guy reached out the window with a rifle and shot the guy in his driveway.

00:18:25.000 Dang.

00:18:25.000 Yeah, and they didn't charge him.

00:18:28.000 Really?

00:18:28.000 Yeah, they said someone was breaking into your car, as far as you knew.

00:18:31.000 It's on your property.

00:18:33.000 But I mean, he killed this fucking repo guy.

00:18:35.000 But then you hear stories about people getting sued, like if they shoot somebody that was trying to break into their house.

00:18:43.000 That's in other states.

00:18:44.000 In other states, yeah, you can get sued.

00:18:47.000 I mean, which is crazy.

00:18:48.000 Somebody's breaking into your house, you're kind of, you know, backs against the wall.

00:18:53.000 Well, you're supposed to assume that they're not going to hurt you.

00:18:57.000 When they've already made the commitment to enter your home by force, they're already doing something insanely risky.

00:19:05.000 The idea that you're supposed to somehow or another warn them as much as you can.

00:19:12.000 I mean, I kind of get it.

00:19:17.000 What if it's a teenage kid that doesn't know any better and they're just stupid and they're with their friends and they think it's funny to rob someone's house?

00:19:25.000 I don't know.

00:19:26.000 It's just...

00:19:27.000 It's just, it's both ways, right?

00:19:32.000 It's horrible that people have guns and they can just shoot you and kill you.

00:19:37.000 But it's also horrible if you can't have a gun to protect yourself from someone who wants to kill you.

00:19:41.000 Both things are horrible.

00:19:42.000 If no one had guns, the world would be a way better place.

00:19:44.000 But then we'd be at the mercy of giant people.

00:19:46.000 That's true.

00:19:47.000 They would just run everything.

00:19:51.000 So it's the equalizer.

00:19:52.000 Yeah, guys like the Mountain from the Game of Thrones, he would just be the king of the world.

00:19:56.000 Everybody would have to shut the fuck up.

00:19:57.000 If there was no weapons...

00:19:58.000 What are we going to do?

00:20:00.000 That's what it was.

00:20:01.000 Before people figured out sticks and spears and rocks and stuff, the biggest humans just fucking ran shit.

00:20:06.000 And we just let them.

00:20:08.000 Yeah.

00:20:08.000 And then someone figured out a bow and arrow.

00:20:09.000 Like, that motherfucker, when he gets close, it's a problem.

00:20:11.000 Well, if he's on the way, on the way to me, I'm gonna fucking whack him.

00:20:16.000 And then I'm gonna start running shit.

00:20:18.000 I like bow and arrows.

00:20:19.000 Do you?

00:20:19.000 That's fun.

00:20:20.000 You shot that?

00:20:21.000 Yeah.

00:20:22.000 Not the gun.

00:20:23.000 The old school.

00:20:25.000 See, that's what a crossbow is.

00:20:27.000 It's a shitty gun.

00:20:28.000 It's not really a bow.

00:20:30.000 Like, people call it a bow.

00:20:31.000 Like, come on, that's not a bow.

00:20:32.000 That's true.

00:20:33.000 It's got a trigger.

00:20:34.000 You got a scope.

00:20:35.000 Get the fuck out of here.

00:20:35.000 Yeah, Daryl Walking Dead.

00:20:37.000 Yeah.

00:20:37.000 That Walking Dead show's ridiculous.

00:20:39.000 He never runs out of...

00:20:40.000 Arrows.

00:20:41.000 Never runs out of arrows and he never gets a pass through.

00:20:43.000 It's been like 60 years he's been in the zombie apocalypse.

00:20:47.000 These zombies are so soft, you could walk up to them, stab them in the skull, and your knife will go through their skull.

00:20:53.000 No problem.

00:20:53.000 Try stabbing someone in the skull.

00:20:55.000 That shit's hard.

00:20:56.000 I have never.

00:20:57.000 It bounces off.

00:20:59.000 It's not easy.

00:21:00.000 You can go, just try it.

00:21:01.000 It's not easy.

00:21:02.000 You have to be really fucking strong, and you gotta hit a good spot.

00:21:05.000 You gotta hit a soft spot like a temple.

00:21:07.000 Yeah.

00:21:07.000 But he just goes right through him with that stupid arrow, but then it never passes through.

00:21:12.000 Right.

00:21:13.000 Never goes right through.

00:21:14.000 Then he just grabs it.

00:21:15.000 Yeah, and he's ready to go again.

00:21:16.000 No problem.

00:21:17.000 Not only that, he doesn't even have broadheads on him.

00:21:20.000 He's got field tips.

00:21:21.000 Those tips on his arrow, they're like little tiny, they'll make a pencil hole.

00:21:26.000 What that is is for practice.

00:21:27.000 He's got practice tips on his fucking arrows.

00:21:30.000 He doesn't even have broadheads.

00:21:31.000 There's some holes in these plots.

00:21:33.000 A lot of holes.

00:21:34.000 That show I used to love.

00:21:36.000 I loved that show for the first few seasons.

00:21:38.000 It was a great show for the first two or three seasons.

00:21:41.000 I watched it up until Rick, the main guy, left.

00:21:45.000 Oh, I didn't get that far.

00:21:47.000 A little spoiler alert.

00:21:48.000 Yeah, when they killed Glenn, I was like, I'm done.

00:21:51.000 The day they killed Glenn.

00:21:52.000 That was a bummer.

00:21:53.000 That's the way they did it, too.

00:21:55.000 You guys got no respect for your main characters.

00:21:58.000 Smashing his head in.

00:22:00.000 And I saw the dude who played Glenn.

00:22:03.000 I saw him out somewhere.

00:22:05.000 I want to say it was out of UFC. He might have been out of UFC. In the crowd.

00:22:09.000 He was somewhere in the crowd.

00:22:10.000 But he looked depressed.

00:22:13.000 Like he was bummed out about his character getting killed that way?

00:22:16.000 I mean, can you imagine if you're on a show and you're one of the big players on the show?

00:22:21.000 I mean, he was one of the main guys and one of the more interesting guys and he's on the show for five six years or whatever it was and then one day they just Baseball bat you.

00:22:30.000 This new guy.

00:22:31.000 Yeah.

00:22:32.000 Baseball bats you.

00:22:33.000 So not only does this new guy on the show who's getting all the heat, but now he baseball bats you to death.

00:22:38.000 Yeah.

00:22:39.000 And then you're just out there in public and probably people are like mocking you on social media.

00:22:43.000 If you're not smart, you read that shit and you feel all bummed out.

00:22:46.000 And that was at the height of its success.

00:22:48.000 You're like, you're going to go out now?

00:22:49.000 I know.

00:22:50.000 You can't wait till Rick leaves?

00:22:52.000 Yeah.

00:22:53.000 Well, once Rick left, it's dead, right?

00:22:55.000 I mean, they've kept it going, but I haven't.

00:22:58.000 Who's on it now?

00:22:59.000 Is the chick with the sword still there?

00:23:01.000 She was, but she's leaving soon.

00:23:03.000 Then, like, what do you got?

00:23:04.000 Because his son's gone, too.

00:23:06.000 Rick's son, Carl.

00:23:07.000 Carl.

00:23:09.000 Carl.

00:23:10.000 Carl.

00:23:11.000 Yeah.

00:23:13.000 My buddy Josh McDermott's on there.

00:23:15.000 Yes, I know Josh real well.

00:23:17.000 He's Eugene.

00:23:18.000 Yeah, Josh was on the podcast like early on the show.

00:23:22.000 Like early.

00:23:23.000 And we're like, dude, I can't believe you're on the fucking Walking Dead.

00:23:26.000 I know.

00:23:27.000 I knew Josh from way back in the day.

00:23:29.000 Josh worked with me at the Tempe Improv.

00:23:33.000 He was doing an open mic contest.

00:23:37.000 I think on Thursday, on Wednesday or Thursday.

00:23:40.000 And then we went, we got in there early because we had to do radio back then.

00:23:44.000 And Josh was on stage.

00:23:46.000 He was really funny.

00:23:46.000 And I said, hey man, you want to work with us all week?

00:23:48.000 Yeah.

00:23:49.000 And he's like, fuck yeah.

00:23:50.000 And so he worked with us all week.

00:23:51.000 Oh, that's awesome.

00:23:52.000 He's a good guy.

00:23:53.000 Really good guy.

00:23:54.000 Funny dude.

00:23:55.000 Yeah, a lot of people don't know he started.

00:23:56.000 I mean, that's his thing.

00:23:57.000 He was a stand-up comedian.

00:23:58.000 Well, is he still doing stand-up?

00:24:00.000 Not much.

00:24:01.000 Not much.

00:24:01.000 That sucks.

00:24:02.000 Yeah, because he has to be in Atlanta so much.

00:24:04.000 But he did like a play in New York.

00:24:10.000 Ew.

00:24:11.000 Ew, there he is.

00:24:12.000 He could play Bill Hicks in a movie.

00:24:14.000 Oh, yeah.

00:24:14.000 If they ever do a Bill Hicks movie, especially with that haircut that they gave him.

00:24:17.000 He'd be good.

00:24:18.000 Oh, he'd be fucking perfect.

00:24:20.000 But he kind of went off the radar a little bit because, you know, the fans are so fanatical that it was just like a lot on Instagram and social media and it was too much and he just went off all that stuff.

00:24:33.000 Oh, did he really?

00:24:34.000 Mm-hmm.

00:24:35.000 That's not good once you're done, though.

00:24:37.000 I know.

00:24:38.000 I was like, you might need to come back on.

00:24:40.000 Once you start doing the fucking improv again, you're going to need that shit.

00:24:44.000 Unless he just decided he's going to be an actor now.

00:24:46.000 Yeah, he might, because he really loves the acting.

00:24:47.000 But I remember he couldn't tell anybody that he had gotten the show.

00:24:51.000 Yeah, I remember that, too.

00:24:52.000 And suddenly he had a mullet.

00:24:53.000 And we're like...

00:24:55.000 I mean, not that I'm one to criticize someone's hair, but I'm like, dude, what are you doing?

00:25:02.000 This is before Theo made the mullet cool.

00:25:05.000 He kind of did, but not really.

00:25:07.000 It's really just a punchline.

00:25:09.000 He owns it, though.

00:25:10.000 He owns it.

00:25:11.000 He lives it.

00:25:12.000 He is it.

00:25:13.000 He embodies it.

00:25:16.000 With Josh's mullet, isn't it...

00:25:19.000 The hair is like glued on though, right?

00:25:21.000 It's like some crazy wig thing.

00:25:22.000 They might put some pieces, but he grew it out and dyed it dark.

00:25:26.000 Wow.

00:25:27.000 And then I was at a wedding with him when the announcement came out.

00:25:32.000 Look at him.

00:25:33.000 Look at him.

00:25:34.000 Look at that sexy bitch.

00:25:35.000 I think that's his hair.

00:25:36.000 I don't know about the top part.

00:25:38.000 Yeah.

00:25:38.000 I think they glue a lot in there.

00:25:40.000 They might.

00:25:40.000 Looks good, though.

00:25:41.000 Give them some extensions.

00:25:42.000 He can rock that shit.

00:25:43.000 Look at the upper left-hand corner.

00:25:45.000 That one where your cursor's at?

00:25:46.000 That looks good.

00:25:47.000 That's like a hot dude from the 80s.

00:25:50.000 You know?

00:25:50.000 Like a dude who just pulls up in a Trans Am.

00:25:53.000 That's right.

00:25:54.000 You're like, that's who I want to be with.

00:25:57.000 That guy.

00:25:58.000 One of those gold chains.

00:26:00.000 Heather, what are they called?

00:26:02.000 What's those flat gold chains called?

00:26:04.000 You know what I'm talking about?

00:26:06.000 I want to say like Heather Cut or something like that.

00:26:08.000 I think my dad had one.

00:26:10.000 Of course he did.

00:26:12.000 He was going through a midlife crisis.

00:26:14.000 Got himself a gold chain.

00:26:15.000 A gold chain.

00:26:16.000 Anytime a guy would show up with a gold chain, you're like, what are you up to?

00:26:22.000 Some dudes can pull it off.

00:26:23.000 Black guys can pull it off.

00:26:24.000 Yeah.

00:26:25.000 There's something about white dudes with more than one gold chain that's really atrocious.

00:26:30.000 I'll tell you who couldn't pull it off.

00:26:31.000 Who?

00:26:31.000 My dad.

00:26:35.000 My mom's just like, get out of here!

00:26:37.000 It's like when guys out of nowhere start wearing a bunch of rings.

00:26:42.000 Like skull rings, those big pewter or silver rings.

00:26:47.000 Yeah, you can't do that.

00:26:48.000 Either you used to do that, and you don't anymore, or you just don't.

00:26:51.000 Yeah, you can't just start it.

00:26:53.000 Or a thumb ring out of nowhere.

00:26:56.000 You're like, what's going on with you?

00:26:58.000 Yeah, when I first met Bourdain, he had a thumb ring.

00:27:01.000 Oh, really?

00:27:01.000 And I'm like, what are you doing, man?

00:27:03.000 What's up with that thumb ring?

00:27:05.000 And he's like, I'm too old for this thing, and he abandoned it.

00:27:07.000 He abandoned it after a while.

00:27:09.000 Maybe you thought it would catch on.

00:27:10.000 Like, oh, if I wear a thumb ring.

00:27:12.000 I think it was kind of cool for a little bit, you know?

00:27:15.000 You don't see a much...

00:27:16.000 No.

00:27:17.000 I don't see a thumb ring.

00:27:18.000 It is weird that we decide.

00:27:19.000 Like, this finger's fine.

00:27:20.000 Yeah.

00:27:21.000 This finger's fine.

00:27:22.000 This is an acceptable ring finger.

00:27:23.000 Yeah, but the thumb is like, what are you doing, stupid?

00:27:25.000 No.

00:27:26.000 Or a pinky ring, like, what are you in the mafia?

00:27:29.000 Bro, what are you in the mafia?

00:27:31.000 Joey Diaz has an American Indian pinky ring that he wears, and you know why he wears it?

00:27:36.000 Because he can't get it off.

00:27:37.000 He put it on, and he gained weight, and it's stuck forever.

00:27:39.000 That sounds about right.

00:27:41.000 He's like, what am I gonna do?

00:27:43.000 What the fuck am I gonna do, cocksucker?

00:27:44.000 I'm sure it'll come off.

00:27:45.000 I'm just joking.

00:27:47.000 But I always wonder if that's what it is.

00:27:49.000 Because I always see him with that fucking ring on.

00:27:50.000 Now that everybody's having to wash their hands, maybe it'll slip off.

00:27:53.000 It doesn't help.

00:27:54.000 It's not helping?

00:27:55.000 No, Michael Osterholm was saying it's not going to help you.

00:27:58.000 Oh, come on.

00:27:59.000 No, it's airborne.

00:28:00.000 It's airborne.

00:28:01.000 It's in the air.

00:28:01.000 People breathing, coughing.

00:28:03.000 You're around people.

00:28:03.000 If you're close to people and they're breathing on you, you're going to get it.

00:28:06.000 If you touch things, you're going to get it too, though.

00:28:10.000 I mean, maybe it'll help a little bit if you wash your hands a lot.

00:28:12.000 Yeah.

00:28:13.000 But it's, you know, crowded places is where it's gonna be an issue.

00:28:16.000 Pearl Jam apparently just canceled all their gigs.

00:28:18.000 I saw that.

00:28:19.000 Up until late April.

00:28:21.000 And they were playing Madison motherfucking Square Garden.

00:28:23.000 They canceled that.

00:28:24.000 Yeah.

00:28:25.000 They canceled some big gigs.

00:28:26.000 Yeah.

00:28:26.000 I know my tour is starting and I'm like, really?

00:28:30.000 Everybody's tour.

00:28:30.000 Yeah.

00:28:31.000 I've been on these text threads with all my friends and like, are you canceling any dates?

00:28:34.000 Like, what are you hearing?

00:28:35.000 I think everybody's kind of waiting.

00:28:36.000 Like, comic-wise, no one's canceled, I don't think.

00:28:39.000 Like, I haven't seen comics canceling, so maybe everybody's kind of waiting to see.

00:28:44.000 Because it's almost like a ripple effect.

00:28:46.000 Once one goes, you're like, oh, here goes another one, here goes another one.

00:28:49.000 Right, you feel like you have to.

00:28:50.000 Like, South by Southwest, kind of, I felt like, is going to have a ripple effect.

00:28:55.000 They're saying Coachella's going to be October?

00:28:57.000 Did you see Elon Musk's tweet on Coachella?

00:29:00.000 What did he say?

00:29:02.000 He said that they should postpone Coachella until it stops sucking.

00:29:07.000 I've actually tweeted back to him too.

00:29:09.000 Did you see their response?

00:29:10.000 No, pull it up.

00:29:11.000 Yeah, let me find the one.

00:29:12.000 I've never been to Coachella.

00:29:14.000 I've never been either.

00:29:15.000 I'm a grown ass man.

00:29:17.000 What am I going to do?

00:29:18.000 Have a bandana?

00:29:19.000 Because he was there with a car?

00:29:21.000 No, that's Jaden Smith flew a Model X over the crowd.

00:29:26.000 Wait, Will Smith's son plays at Coachella?

00:29:29.000 Yeah.

00:29:30.000 Well, that makes Elon right.

00:29:32.000 That was a good idea.

00:29:34.000 Okay, fine.

00:29:35.000 That was a good idea.

00:29:36.000 Ha ha.

00:29:37.000 Oh, that was good.

00:29:38.000 Ha ha.

00:29:38.000 He only liked that part.

00:29:39.000 People know that Elon Musk is reading his tweets.

00:29:42.000 How does he have time?

00:29:44.000 He has 16 different jobs.

00:29:47.000 He made all his money.

00:29:49.000 He's on Twitter all the time.

00:29:49.000 How is that possible, though?

00:29:50.000 He's been tweeting memes.

00:29:51.000 Right, but how is it possible?

00:29:53.000 Maybe he just hires people to do all the stuff now.

00:29:56.000 No, he's very hands-on.

00:29:58.000 Really?

00:29:58.000 When the Model 3 production was underway, he was telling me that he was working 16 hours a day.

00:30:02.000 Dang.

00:30:03.000 Yeah, he was in the factory 16 hours a day.

00:30:06.000 Maybe he gives himself a little bit of a break and then he goes on tweet storms.

00:30:09.000 Yeah.

00:30:10.000 He's like, I'm gonna go to the bathroom.

00:30:12.000 Tweet, tweet.

00:30:12.000 His tweets have cost him millions of dollars, and he's still tweeting.

00:30:15.000 He doesn't care.

00:30:16.000 He doesn't give a fuck.

00:30:17.000 But that's how much money...

00:30:18.000 When you have a lot of money, you're just like, whatever.

00:30:21.000 Yeah, I'm just tweeting, bitch.

00:30:22.000 What you gonna do?

00:30:24.000 Yeah, when he wrote Tesla stock selling private at 420 or secured at 420, like as a joke.

00:30:32.000 He's got like weird 420 jokes, but he doesn't even smoke weed.

00:30:35.000 Like when he smoked weed on my podcast, he barely inhaled.

00:30:38.000 Oh, really?

00:30:39.000 Yeah, I don't think he really smokes weed, but he makes a lot of 420 jokes.

00:30:43.000 Maybe he smokes weed on the sneak tip and just didn't want it in front of everybody, so he just didn't want to be rude because I was offering, so he just took a little bit.

00:30:50.000 Yeah.

00:30:51.000 He's like, it is legal.

00:30:52.000 I'm like, yeah, it's legal, bro.

00:30:55.000 It is.

00:30:56.000 He's too smart.

00:30:57.000 It's uncomfortable.

00:30:59.000 Yeah, because I wouldn't know what to talk with him about.

00:31:03.000 Imagine talking to regular idiots.

00:31:05.000 Like when he's sitting down there talking like me.

00:31:06.000 I felt bad talking to me.

00:31:08.000 I felt bad he hadn't talked to me.

00:31:08.000 No, but you know a lot of stuff.

00:31:10.000 Oh, I know sometimes.

00:31:11.000 You're well read.

00:31:12.000 Yeah, I know a lot of dumb shit.

00:31:15.000 That's good though.

00:31:15.000 I have like a peripheral knowledge, a cursory understanding of many things.

00:31:22.000 It seems like you remember a lot of the things that you do read.

00:31:25.000 Yeah, that's where it's tricky.

00:31:26.000 That's where it appears that I'm intelligent.

00:31:28.000 I just have a good memory.

00:31:29.000 I just remember things.

00:31:30.000 Because I'll read things and it'll go, you know, I'll be like, oh yeah, I read that book.

00:31:35.000 I couldn't tell you what I read like a year later.

00:31:37.000 It's gone.

00:31:38.000 That happens to me too, though.

00:31:40.000 I only have a memory for things that I think are interesting.

00:31:43.000 If I think something's interesting, I remember it.

00:31:45.000 But if my wife tells me some shit, I don't give a fuck.

00:31:48.000 I forget it five minutes after she told me.

00:31:50.000 Did you hear that?

00:31:50.000 And she'll say it again, and I'll go, what are you talking about?

00:31:52.000 And she goes, I just talked to you about that.

00:31:54.000 I'm like, when?

00:31:55.000 She's like, five minutes ago.

00:31:56.000 I'm like, I blocked you out.

00:31:57.000 Yeah, I do that same thing.

00:31:59.000 I'm like, what?

00:32:00.000 She's like, you never listen.

00:32:01.000 And I'm like...

00:32:02.000 No, I heard you.

00:32:04.000 Can you tell me what it was again?

00:32:07.000 I heard you.

00:32:08.000 I know, I heard you.

00:32:10.000 I heard you, bitch.

00:32:11.000 It works well for memorizing scripts, though, for the short-term memory.

00:32:16.000 Yeah.

00:32:17.000 I can learn a script super quick.

00:32:19.000 Oh, really?

00:32:20.000 Do the lines, and then it's gone forever.

00:32:22.000 Well, I feel like as stand-ups, we have to have a memory.

00:32:26.000 Yeah.

00:32:26.000 I mean, you're on stage for a fucking hour.

00:32:27.000 Mm-hmm.

00:32:28.000 Yeah, and the only reason I'm able to remember my set is because it's so much repetition.

00:32:33.000 Some people bring notes on stage, but I always find that to be a big distraction.

00:32:38.000 Like, I feel like, like, Bill Maher brings a fucking, like, a concert pianist's, like, one of those stands, you know, one of those things?

00:32:45.000 Oh, really?

00:32:45.000 Yeah.

00:32:46.000 Yeah, and he, like, looks at the notes and, like, passes over them.

00:32:49.000 Like, if you're in a choir, like, yeah, I gotcha.

00:32:52.000 Like, music stand.

00:32:53.000 A music stand, yeah.

00:32:54.000 Oh, yeah.

00:32:55.000 Yeah, like a podium.

00:32:56.000 I have brought notes on stage, and as soon as I start talking, I put it down and never look at it.

00:33:03.000 Because it feels odd to stop the rhythm, to be like, let me see what my notes are.

00:33:10.000 You're like, just go with it and see what happens.

00:33:12.000 Well, if you have new shit you're working on, then I understand it.

00:33:15.000 Then, like, I've seen guys go on stage and they have new shit.

00:33:18.000 But sometimes people go on stage with notes just to let you know they're working on new stuff.

00:33:22.000 It's almost like it lessens your expectations.

00:33:25.000 Like, this is all new.

00:33:27.000 I mean, I don't know.

00:33:28.000 And then they'll do old jokes.

00:33:29.000 I just flat out tell them, I don't have a punchline to this.

00:33:33.000 I'm going to make you go on this five-minute journey, and then it's going to peter out.

00:33:38.000 Does you feel like sometimes that's how you find the punchline?

00:33:40.000 Yeah.

00:33:40.000 I did a show Saturday night.

00:33:42.000 I go, I don't have a punchline to this.

00:33:43.000 You guys have any suggestions?

00:33:45.000 And they legitimately, like, three dudes raised their hand.

00:33:49.000 Well, you could...

00:33:50.000 I was like, oh, you took me literally.

00:33:52.000 Okay, well, what do you got?

00:33:54.000 It was all garbage.

00:33:55.000 You never know.

00:33:56.000 You never know.

00:33:57.000 You never know.

00:33:58.000 I'm doing that show tonight at the store, Stand Up on the Spot.

00:34:01.000 Have you ever done that?

00:34:02.000 It's Jeremiah Watkins' show.

00:34:04.000 He's asked me, but...

00:34:05.000 You should do it.

00:34:05.000 It's really fun.

00:34:06.000 Well, it used to be called Thunder Pussy, which is a way better name.

00:34:08.000 And it actually is something that I used to do at the end of my shows.

00:34:12.000 At the end of my shows, I used to do a Q&A, and I stole that from Jerry Seinfeld.

00:34:16.000 Oh, right.

00:34:16.000 Before I ever did comedy, I was like 19. I took my girlfriend to see Jerry Seinfeld at the Paradise in Boston.

00:34:24.000 Yeah.

00:34:24.000 And at the end of the show, he gets requests from the audience.

00:34:29.000 They raise their hand.

00:34:31.000 Paradise is a small theater.

00:34:33.000 I want to say...

00:34:36.000 Maybe 300, 400 people.

00:34:38.000 It was a fairly small place.

00:34:39.000 It was cool.

00:34:40.000 It was an intimate place to see Jerry.

00:34:42.000 Did he know these questions were coming?

00:34:44.000 Like, did he say?

00:34:45.000 Nope.

00:34:45.000 Oh, okay.

00:34:46.000 They just were like, we want to find out.

00:34:48.000 Yeah, so he did like an hour of stand-up.

00:34:50.000 And then afterwards, he actually says, thank you very much, thank you very much.

00:34:54.000 And then he says, I'm going to take some questions from the crowd, you know, if you have any questions.

00:34:59.000 Okay, gotcha.

00:35:00.000 And then some guy says, how do you feel about the big dig?

00:35:03.000 Because there's this big thing going on in Boston when they were digging tunnels.

00:35:06.000 And he went on this whole impromptu, improvised rant on the big dig.

00:35:11.000 And then someone yelled out something about something.

00:35:13.000 Now, he did it for a while.

00:35:13.000 It's like, that is a great way to come up with material.

00:35:16.000 Particularly at the end of your show.

00:35:18.000 So I did that for a while.

00:35:19.000 But then it got to be too draggy.

00:35:21.000 Like, you never know when to end it.

00:35:22.000 So I do an hour of stand-up and then an hour of that nonsense.

00:35:25.000 And you see people yawning.

00:35:26.000 What am I doing?

00:35:27.000 I'm torturing these poor fucks.

00:35:29.000 Well, because sometimes in that you can find some real gold, and then other times it's just like no one cares.

00:35:35.000 Digging through shit, looking for diamonds.

00:35:37.000 For sure.

00:35:38.000 Just another shovel of shit.

00:35:39.000 It's like getting crowd work.

00:35:40.000 You're like, where do you work?

00:35:41.000 And it's something lame.

00:35:42.000 You're like, and where do you work?

00:35:44.000 You just move on.

00:35:45.000 How do you write, Fortune?

00:35:46.000 I write.

00:35:47.000 I go to the computer and write it all out.

00:35:49.000 That's what's up.

00:35:49.000 Knuckles.

00:35:50.000 Boom.

00:35:51.000 Do you do that?

00:35:51.000 Yes.

00:35:52.000 I cannot.

00:35:53.000 Some people are like, oh, I write on stage.

00:35:54.000 I'm like, no, no, no.

00:35:55.000 I'll find punchlines on stage, but I have to know where I'm going.

00:35:59.000 Good for you.

00:36:00.000 But I was a journalist for seven years.

00:36:03.000 Were you really?

00:36:03.000 Yeah, I was an entertainment journalist.

00:36:05.000 No kidding.

00:36:05.000 It was my day job while I was pursuing comedy at night.

00:36:09.000 How'd you get that gig?

00:36:10.000 Very random.

00:36:12.000 I was the student speaker at my college graduation, and this actress was a commencement speaker, and she hired me to come out to LA and be her assistant.

00:36:24.000 And her neighbor wrote for the LA Daily News, and she's like, I heard you're a good writer from your speech in college.

00:36:32.000 I was like, yeah.

00:36:33.000 It seemed to go well.

00:36:35.000 She's like, do you want to write for me?

00:36:37.000 Cover events and stuff.

00:36:39.000 And it'll be in the LA Daily News.

00:36:40.000 I was like 23. I was like, yeah, sure.

00:36:43.000 Why not?

00:36:43.000 So I just became a journalist.

00:36:46.000 I had to just learn how to do it.

00:36:48.000 Wow.

00:36:49.000 So I was going to movie premieres or the Grammys, Oscars, Emmys.

00:36:54.000 I talked to celebrities on the phone and would write stories.

00:36:58.000 It wasn't like gossip.

00:36:59.000 It was more like...

00:37:00.000 What are you working on?

00:37:01.000 Tell me about the project.

00:37:03.000 What are you doing next?

00:37:05.000 What was it like working on so-and-so?

00:37:07.000 So I was getting to learn all this stuff about the business.

00:37:10.000 Were you trying to make them funny or were you just laying it out?

00:37:13.000 Just laying it out.

00:37:14.000 Laying out the interview and what they said.

00:37:16.000 And then that job led to a syndicated column.

00:37:20.000 So it became full-time for the next six years.

00:37:23.000 Really?

00:37:24.000 Yeah.

00:37:24.000 So I wrote all day from like 9 to 6. And then I would do events at night.

00:37:31.000 And then I started doing comedy like two years into that.

00:37:38.000 Wow, so you would write all day and then do comedy at night.

00:37:41.000 So while you were writing, would you say, ooh, this could be funny, and then set it aside?

00:37:45.000 Yeah, well, I always was requesting to go to funny movies.

00:37:49.000 I knew I could interview comedians.

00:37:53.000 Sarah Silverman had a show on Comedy Central.

00:37:56.000 I was like, oh, can I go to set and interview all the comics?

00:37:59.000 So I was gathering knowledge that way.

00:38:02.000 Knowing that I love comedy, but I was never that person like, I do comedy, because I'm brand new in stand-up.

00:38:08.000 But it was more of just like, it taught me the skill of just getting to the story faster.

00:38:13.000 Like, what's the interesting part of this interview?

00:38:16.000 What's the interesting part of this story?

00:38:18.000 And getting to that helped me just be a better writer.

00:38:22.000 Yeah, that's a great skill to have when you're crafting bits.

00:38:25.000 Well, I never knew when I started stand-up that it would be so much writing.

00:38:31.000 Obviously, now that I'm a stand-up, I'm like, duh, you have to have material.

00:38:35.000 But going into it, you just don't realize the content that you need to create.

00:38:39.000 Well, there's a big mistake that many comics make where they do just write on stage.

00:38:43.000 And then they have these sort of rambling intros to a bit or a bit...

00:38:48.000 Maybe they have something there, but they don't sit down in front of a computer for hours and just try to pick it apart and try to find the best way to do it.

00:38:58.000 But if they did that, they would cut down on the process of creating that bit.

00:39:02.000 You can get to the end.

00:39:04.000 Some guys are just great at figuring out how to shorten things up and get to the point really quick, but some people are not.

00:39:12.000 And they get comfortable with kind of half-assing it.

00:39:15.000 And then they stick to that form through the entire bit.

00:39:18.000 And you'll see the bit and you're like, hey man, that bit would be so much better if you chopped out like half of the words.

00:39:23.000 Yeah, for sure.

00:39:24.000 And I mean, I'm definitely more of a storyteller.

00:39:26.000 So that's why I like to sit down and write it because I'm not doing set up punchline, set up punchline.

00:39:32.000 I'm telling a story, but I'm trying to make it funny on the way there.

00:39:36.000 And so for me, I have to write because I have to see what it looks like because I'm like, oh, that sentence is really bland.

00:39:41.000 What like one word can I put in there that just you're like, oh, I see it now.

00:39:48.000 I see what that is.

00:39:49.000 Instead of just being like, you know, a ball, you know, you're finding something more unique about it.

00:39:54.000 I tell people there's four steps.

00:39:56.000 To creating material.

00:39:58.000 And you could just do one.

00:39:59.000 The one you could do is you could just do it on stage.

00:40:01.000 You could just fuck around on stage and you will come up with an act.

00:40:04.000 Or you can write in front of your computer or in front of a notebook and then you go on stage, you improvise on stage, and then you listen to your sets.

00:40:13.000 Right.

00:40:13.000 Those are the steps.

00:40:14.000 Those are all the steps.

00:40:15.000 So you can fuck off on the other three and just go on stage.

00:40:18.000 Yeah.

00:40:19.000 If you're a good comic and you can figure out how to develop and act that way.

00:40:22.000 But I really think you're doing yourself a disservice.

00:40:24.000 Yeah.

00:40:24.000 And comics come up with this bullshit like, oh, I write on stage.

00:40:27.000 I'm like, I do too.

00:40:28.000 Right.

00:40:28.000 Yeah, I do too.

00:40:29.000 Yeah, you're finding stuff all the time.

00:40:30.000 I sit down and there's some of my best punchlines have come from sitting in front of the fucking computer.

00:40:35.000 Yeah, because you're pushing yourself too.

00:40:36.000 Yes.

00:40:37.000 You're like, this is not good.

00:40:39.000 I would stare at my computer for an hour until I find even if it's one sentence, that makes it better.

00:40:46.000 Oh yeah, and that's so valuable.

00:40:47.000 You could do a hundred sets and never change your bit.

00:40:51.000 But you could have one hour session in front of a computer where you're like, oh...

00:40:57.000 Oh!

00:40:57.000 Because if you're just alone with nothing else and no distractions, and you can look at the stuff, it just makes sense that with focus and time, you can create better.

00:41:09.000 It just makes sense, so you can look at it better.

00:41:10.000 Yeah, and that's what I was doing when I was prepping for this Netflix special.

00:41:14.000 I wrote it all out.

00:41:15.000 It was like, I don't know, 18 pages, something like that.

00:41:18.000 And then I was going on stage and working it out.

00:41:21.000 Taping it, listening to it, and then constantly moving this paragraph, moving this.

00:41:26.000 All of the work was done at the computer, moving it to where it needed to be.

00:41:33.000 Do you use a program or anything to move stuff around?

00:41:35.000 No, I just use Word.

00:41:38.000 Word's fun.

00:41:39.000 There's a program called Scrivener.

00:41:41.000 Have you ever heard of it?

00:41:42.000 I like it a lot because what I do is I'll put all of the subjects on the left column.

00:41:49.000 Right, yeah.

00:41:50.000 And they're labeled.

00:41:50.000 And then when you click on each one, it'll be the whole bit.

00:41:53.000 Oh, that's cool.

00:41:54.000 But I don't write in it.

00:41:55.000 I write in Word.

00:41:56.000 Right.

00:41:56.000 Or I write in...

00:41:57.000 I used to write in something called Write Room.

00:42:00.000 But that was when I was writing on a Mac.

00:42:02.000 Yeah.

00:42:02.000 And the problem is with the Macs, their laptop keyboards suck.

00:42:06.000 Oh, no.

00:42:07.000 You were saying there's something you discovered.

00:42:10.000 Thinkpads.

00:42:10.000 Yeah.

00:42:11.000 Lenovo Thinkpads.

00:42:11.000 That one, yeah.

00:42:12.000 They're so much better.

00:42:13.000 I mean, you make way less errors.

00:42:15.000 First of all, they're curved.

00:42:17.000 The keys are curved, so your fingers fit into them.

00:42:20.000 And also, there's a lot of key travel.

00:42:22.000 There's like 1.7 millimeters to, I think their maximum one is 2.2 millimeters, and the minimum is 1.5.

00:42:28.000 1.5 is probably as low as you really want to go.

00:42:31.000 Because anytime you get around 1, it's just not enough key travel.

00:42:34.000 In Apple, everything has to look beautiful.

00:42:36.000 Everything has to be designed.

00:42:38.000 It's all about the sleek design.

00:42:40.000 It's minimal stuff.

00:42:41.000 But it's horseshit.

00:42:42.000 Because you've made a tool that doesn't work as well.

00:42:45.000 It's flat keys.

00:42:46.000 They're not concave.

00:42:48.000 They have that beautiful C shape that Lenovo has.

00:42:53.000 So your fingers, you know which key you're hitting.

00:42:56.000 There's no errors.

00:42:57.000 You don't fuck up as much.

00:42:58.000 Yeah, I did the old school.

00:43:00.000 My mom made me take keyboarding in high school.

00:43:03.000 So I had to learn how to do those things.

00:43:05.000 So the keyboard is important.

00:43:06.000 Yeah, it's very important.

00:43:07.000 You should try a ThinkPad.

00:43:09.000 I'm telling you, there's shit.

00:43:10.000 Yeah, I will.

00:43:11.000 There's so much better.

00:43:11.000 And you get over the Windows thing.

00:43:13.000 Everybody's like, Windows sucks.

00:43:15.000 It doesn't suck anymore.

00:43:16.000 Windows 10 does not suck.

00:43:17.000 Yeah.

00:43:17.000 It's easy.

00:43:18.000 It doesn't fuck up.

00:43:19.000 It sucks when it has to update.

00:43:20.000 That shit takes a long time.

00:43:22.000 Right.

00:43:22.000 But that happens on the Mac, too.

00:43:23.000 Yeah.

00:43:24.000 You just have it updated at night or something.

00:43:26.000 But to type on it is a dream.

00:43:28.000 It's so much easier.

00:43:29.000 Well, especially if you're spending so much time riding on something like that.

00:43:33.000 If you're just surfing the net, it's like, eh, I see, whatever.

00:43:37.000 I have this ThinkPad X1 Carbon, and it fucking weighs nothing.

00:43:40.000 It weighs like a couple of pounds.

00:43:42.000 Which is nice to take.

00:43:43.000 On the road, I'm always like, my book bag is like, oh my gosh.

00:43:46.000 Well, Apple wants to make aluminum laptops.

00:43:49.000 Yeah.

00:43:49.000 Look at that old beast that I have over there.

00:43:51.000 I have an old 17-inch one.

00:43:52.000 It's heavy and then you have that big old power strip.

00:43:55.000 Yeah, but that I could fuck somebody up with that if they're trying to mug me.

00:43:57.000 That's true.

00:43:58.000 If you have a bag with a 17-inch laptop in, that's like a bomb.

00:44:02.000 That is.

00:44:02.000 Yeah.

00:44:03.000 Yeah.

00:44:03.000 But that's actually the reason why I have that one because the key travel was different back then.

00:44:08.000 The key travel is actually pretty good on that.

00:44:10.000 Yeah.

00:44:10.000 And the keys are a little curved.

00:44:12.000 But once they started trying to make them thinner and lighter, they fucked up.

00:44:16.000 That's what I have.

00:44:16.000 Because I have the air.

00:44:17.000 Yeah.

00:44:17.000 So it's like my little fat fingers are like Kitty P. It's hard.

00:44:22.000 And it changed something recently where it's like I'm writing words and it's changing it for me.

00:44:28.000 Autocorrect?

00:44:29.000 Yeah, but to like...

00:44:30.000 The wrong ones?

00:44:30.000 Totally wrong words.

00:44:32.000 Yeah, it's like, oh, I think you meant this.

00:44:33.000 Yeah, I'm like, that's not...

00:44:34.000 Yeah, it's been weird.

00:44:36.000 There was some update that was weird lately.

00:44:38.000 In Microsoft Word?

00:44:39.000 I think so, yeah.

00:44:41.000 Unless I'm thinking about my phone.

00:44:43.000 It could be my phone.

00:44:44.000 It's the phone.

00:44:44.000 The phone does that with me.

00:44:46.000 It annoys the shit out of me.

00:44:47.000 It's like, I think you meant to say.

00:44:48.000 But it's like the craziest words that no one's ever going to use.

00:44:51.000 Really?

00:44:52.000 Yeah.

00:44:52.000 Well, I mean, the classic.

00:44:54.000 Ducking.

00:44:55.000 Oh, yeah.

00:44:55.000 Who's ducking?

00:44:56.000 Yeah.

00:44:57.000 How often does that happen?

00:44:59.000 At some point, they need to embrace that people are saying fucking.

00:45:02.000 Well, why don't they have, like, a way you can click on it and say, learn?

00:45:06.000 Like, maybe old people don't want you suggesting fucking.

00:45:09.000 Right.

00:45:10.000 Or, you know, hardcore Christians or something like that.

00:45:13.000 But if you're a person who says fuck all the time, you should be able to autocorrect to fuck.

00:45:18.000 Like, it says that.

00:45:19.000 Once you've used it enough, it should be like, all right, this is a standard word.

00:45:23.000 I wonder if Android does it the same way.

00:45:25.000 I don't know.

00:45:26.000 I wonder if Android corrects like that too.

00:45:28.000 My partner is an Android, but I've never asked.

00:45:32.000 Lesbians are so funny with partner.

00:45:33.000 Why don't you just say my girl?

00:45:35.000 My girl.

00:45:36.000 My woman.

00:45:36.000 I don't know.

00:45:37.000 Why is it partner?

00:45:38.000 Partner is always like, are you guys in business?

00:45:40.000 It seems respectful.

00:45:41.000 Is that what it is?

00:45:42.000 I don't know.

00:45:43.000 I think because we couldn't get married.

00:45:45.000 I mean, we're not married.

00:45:46.000 We're engaged.

00:45:47.000 But I think because people couldn't get married for so long, it was like they couldn't say wife or husband.

00:45:52.000 Right.

00:45:52.000 So the word became partner.

00:45:55.000 It is weird, right?

00:45:57.000 Like, wife and husband and all these words.

00:46:00.000 Yeah.

00:46:00.000 Just standard words that we just use over and over again.

00:46:03.000 My wife.

00:46:04.000 My girl.

00:46:05.000 It's like your girlfriend for a long time.

00:46:07.000 It's your fiance for a long time.

00:46:09.000 It's wife.

00:46:10.000 When did bae come along?

00:46:12.000 When did BAE? When did bae come along?

00:46:15.000 Seems like it's real recent.

00:46:16.000 Within like three or four years.

00:46:18.000 Couple of years ago?

00:46:18.000 Yeah.

00:46:19.000 These fucking kids on Instagram.

00:46:21.000 They probably came up with it.

00:46:22.000 My bae.

00:46:22.000 Twitter kids.

00:46:24.000 Yeah.

00:46:25.000 It's just a partner's weird.

00:46:26.000 My partner.

00:46:27.000 A friend of mine used it and he was talking about his wife.

00:46:30.000 He's like, my partner and I, your partner?

00:46:32.000 What are you talking about?

00:46:33.000 Your wife?

00:46:34.000 That lady that you're married to?

00:46:35.000 When did she become your fucking partner?

00:46:37.000 You guys going to business together?

00:46:39.000 Well, it's like people who are progressive, they try to use words that gay and lesbian people use.

00:46:45.000 The right words, yeah.

00:46:46.000 And they try to use it almost as like they're an ally.

00:46:49.000 Like we're all one.

00:46:50.000 Yeah, my partner and I are like, your partner?

00:46:52.000 Bitch, your wife?

00:46:53.000 That lady you're married to?

00:46:54.000 Shut the fuck up.

00:46:56.000 I find the word fiancé weird.

00:46:57.000 It is weird.

00:46:58.000 She is my fiancé.

00:47:01.000 We've been engaged for over two years, but it's weird to be like, this is my fiancé.

00:47:06.000 It almost seems more pretentious.

00:47:09.000 It is a little bit, right?

00:47:10.000 It's like, shit or get off the pot, bro.

00:47:12.000 Yeah.

00:47:12.000 What are you doing?

00:47:13.000 How come you...

00:47:14.000 People are like, when are you getting married?

00:47:18.000 I mean, we are getting married, but we are like, just neither of us are planners.

00:47:23.000 You should be able to say it the week before the wedding.

00:47:25.000 Yeah.

00:47:26.000 My fiance and I. The week before you could say it.

00:47:29.000 Other than that, stop saying it.

00:47:31.000 Yeah.

00:47:31.000 So if you come up with a better word for me, let me know.

00:47:33.000 One good thing about fiance is that it's gender neutral.

00:47:36.000 Right, it's boy, girl, it's everybody.

00:47:39.000 Right.

00:47:39.000 It's just spelled differently, but no one really cares about that.

00:47:43.000 Whereas I read in some country they have a marriage contract that lasts a certain amount of time.

00:47:51.000 What the fuck was that?

00:47:52.000 I was like, wow, that's interesting.

00:47:54.000 It was like a five-year contract with an ability to renew.

00:47:58.000 Oh, and so if it's not working out...

00:47:59.000 It just dissolves.

00:48:01.000 Yeah.

00:48:02.000 It's like a lease on a car.

00:48:04.000 You just get that piece of shit back.

00:48:05.000 That's not bad for some people.

00:48:08.000 That's great for some people.

00:48:10.000 Anna Nicole Smith's husband would have loved that.

00:48:11.000 Yeah.

00:48:12.000 Just take a lease and try it out.

00:48:14.000 Yeah.

00:48:15.000 It'd save you a lot in the divorce fees and...

00:48:18.000 Right.

00:48:19.000 I don't know.

00:48:22.000 It's weird.

00:48:23.000 In a case like the Anna Nicole Smith situation, that kind of situation is weird when one person has the money and you can tell the other person is only with them for the money.

00:48:36.000 And they're trying to talk them into signing a contract and then they'll eventually leave them.

00:48:41.000 Like, I knew this lady.

00:48:42.000 She was really hot.

00:48:43.000 Her boyfriend was really not.

00:48:45.000 And we all knew what was coming.

00:48:47.000 And the guy had money.

00:48:48.000 And he wrote her into his...

00:48:50.000 Oh, yeah.

00:48:50.000 They got married.

00:48:51.000 Yeah, they got married.

00:48:52.000 And she took the house.

00:48:53.000 She took everything.

00:48:54.000 Oh, she left him?

00:48:54.000 Oh, yeah, yeah.

00:48:55.000 We knew she was going to leave him.

00:48:56.000 How long did she stay in it?

00:48:57.000 She stayed in it a couple of years.

00:48:59.000 Just enough to get the chizzash.

00:49:01.000 Just enough.

00:49:02.000 That's brutal.

00:49:03.000 It was ugly for all involved.

00:49:05.000 Watching it on the outside, we're like, that poor bastard.

00:49:07.000 But you can't say anything to your friend?

00:49:09.000 Nope.

00:49:09.000 Can't say a goddamn thing.

00:49:09.000 Because then your friend's like, well, what's wrong with me?

00:49:12.000 Why would she not want to be with me for me?

00:49:13.000 Well, I wasn't tight enough with him.

00:49:15.000 Okay.

00:49:15.000 Yeah.

00:49:16.000 He was just a casual friend.

00:49:18.000 Yeah.

00:49:18.000 He's a nice guy.

00:49:19.000 But it was like the writing was on the wall.

00:49:21.000 Oh, yeah.

00:49:21.000 The moment I saw the two, I was like, oh, he's got money.

00:49:24.000 Yeah.

00:49:24.000 Oh, I see what's up.

00:49:26.000 And she was just...

00:49:27.000 She had hungry eyes.

00:49:30.000 That bitch was looking around.

00:49:31.000 Hungry eyes.

00:49:32.000 Yeah, she was looking around.

00:49:33.000 She was looking around for...

00:49:34.000 She's like, what you got in that wallet?

00:49:37.000 Yeah, she was looking around for other dick, too.

00:49:38.000 It was just one of those things.

00:49:40.000 They're always looking for the next.

00:49:41.000 But it is a possibility.

00:49:44.000 That's the thing.

00:49:44.000 It's like...

00:49:46.000 Being a prostitute's illegal, but being a gold digger's fine.

00:49:49.000 Right.

00:49:50.000 Like, you should go to jail for being a gold digger.

00:49:51.000 And what's the difference, you know what I mean?

00:49:55.000 The line is not that far apart.

00:49:58.000 Very close.

00:49:59.000 Yeah.

00:50:00.000 Like, do you remember Donald Sterling, the guy who owned the Clippers, the other really hot girlfriend?

00:50:04.000 She recorded him saying some racist shit.

00:50:06.000 Oh, that's right, yeah.

00:50:07.000 That was a perfect example.

00:50:09.000 Like, that girl was clearly a gold digger.

00:50:11.000 He was disgusting.

00:50:12.000 Yeah.

00:50:12.000 He was disgusting, and she was hot.

00:50:15.000 And then he had to sell, right?

00:50:17.000 Yeah, they made him sell the team.

00:50:19.000 I had a whole bit about it because it's really funny.

00:50:21.000 What he said was, he goes, I don't care if you fuck these guys, just don't take pictures with them.

00:50:28.000 That's what he said?

00:50:29.000 Yeah.

00:50:29.000 See, everybody, like, it was a virtue signaling opportunity for everybody to make sure that everyone knew that they were not racist and that they abhor racism.

00:50:36.000 Right.

00:50:37.000 Which is wonderful, right?

00:50:38.000 But what he said was pretty reasonable.

00:50:41.000 He said, I don't care if you fuck these guys, just don't take pictures with them.

00:50:47.000 Yeah.

00:50:47.000 Like embarrassing him or something?

00:50:49.000 Yes, exactly.

00:50:49.000 But it's his girlfriend.

00:50:50.000 So imagine if he said it the other way.

00:50:52.000 I don't care if you take pictures with them, just don't fuck them.

00:50:55.000 Right.

00:50:55.000 That would be reasonable.

00:50:56.000 Right.

00:50:57.000 So he's giving her a way better deal.

00:50:58.000 She's allowed to fuck them.

00:50:59.000 Yeah.

00:51:01.000 He's saying, I don't care if you fuck these guys.

00:51:03.000 He's like, take all the selfies you want.

00:51:05.000 Yeah, just don't take pictures.

00:51:06.000 Imagine if he said it the other way.

00:51:08.000 Everybody would be like, well, that's reasonable.

00:51:09.000 If he said, you know, just take pictures all day, but don't fuck them.

00:51:13.000 That would be like a standard thing that someone would ask of a spouse.

00:51:16.000 I mean, most spouses don't want you fucking other people.

00:51:19.000 Yeah, most.

00:51:19.000 Some of them do.

00:51:20.000 Yeah.

00:51:21.000 That's what gets really weird, right?

00:51:22.000 The people that want you to fuck other people.

00:51:24.000 Like the open stuff.

00:51:25.000 They want you to take pictures.

00:51:25.000 Even worse, like cucks.

00:51:27.000 Like there's guys.

00:51:28.000 There's guys that want guys to fuck their girl.

00:51:31.000 Oh yeah, because there is like a masochist or something like that?

00:51:34.000 No, they're cuckolds.

00:51:36.000 That's what it's called.

00:51:37.000 Oh, that's the...

00:51:38.000 That's the real term.

00:51:39.000 Oh, I didn't know.

00:51:40.000 I just thought those were like pussies.

00:51:42.000 That is pussies.

00:51:43.000 But the origin of the term is cuckold.

00:51:47.000 And the origin of the term is like a man who knows his wife is fucking other guys.

00:51:51.000 Oh, I didn't know that.

00:51:52.000 And either approves of it or likes the feeling of shame.

00:51:56.000 Right.

00:51:56.000 There's some men that like the feeling of shame and humiliation.

00:52:00.000 Mm-hmm.

00:52:01.000 That is not me.

00:52:03.000 It takes all kinds to run this world.

00:52:05.000 I'd be crying like a bitch.

00:52:07.000 What?

00:52:08.000 But isn't it weird how it does take all types of people to run this world?

00:52:14.000 There's so many different kinds of people.

00:52:16.000 When it comes to sex stuff, people are all over the spectrum.

00:52:21.000 All over the spectrum.

00:52:22.000 Furries.

00:52:24.000 People like to dress up like mascots.

00:52:26.000 There's a lot of CEOs that like to hire dominatrix to tell them what to do and kick them in the balls.

00:52:32.000 It's the only person that will talk to them like that.

00:52:35.000 They like it.

00:52:36.000 They like women to spit on them and stuff and piss on them and just treat them like shit.

00:52:42.000 I'll tell you this, I don't want to be pissed on.

00:52:46.000 I stepped on a sea urchin once.

00:52:50.000 Somebody said, I'll piss on your foot.

00:52:52.000 I was like, I'm going to just be in pain for the next two hours.

00:52:55.000 I don't think that works.

00:52:56.000 That's what they say, but I don't know.

00:52:58.000 I stepped on one, too.

00:52:58.000 They just poured vinegar on it.

00:53:01.000 I'm like, you don't have an ointment?

00:53:03.000 Why do you have to go straight to pissing on my foot?

00:53:06.000 Not much they can do.

00:53:07.000 I just pulled the things out.

00:53:08.000 I had to pull them out.

00:53:09.000 We were snorkeling, and then we got near this reef, and I wanted to put my feet down, catch a little break, and I just went right onto a sea urchin.

00:53:18.000 Well, I attempted to surf in Hawaii, and I couldn't even get my board past the break, and so it kept pumping.

00:53:27.000 Pushing me back in.

00:53:29.000 And I got so tired of just like, I had no upper body strength.

00:53:32.000 So I just, I was like, fuck it.

00:53:34.000 I stood up and immediately like stood on the sea urchin.

00:53:38.000 Yeah, those fuckers are rough.

00:53:40.000 Yeah.

00:53:40.000 They don't want to get eaten because they're delicious.

00:53:42.000 Have you ever had sea urchin sushi?

00:53:43.000 Never.

00:53:44.000 Oh, so good.

00:53:44.000 It looks like an orange tongue.

00:53:45.000 Oh, that's that orange.

00:53:46.000 Yeah.

00:53:47.000 I've never had it because it looks weird.

00:53:49.000 It does look weird, but it's quite delicious.

00:53:51.000 And the texture is not?

00:53:52.000 It's a little mushy.

00:53:52.000 Okay.

00:53:53.000 But the texture doesn't bother me.

00:53:55.000 Texture bothers me.

00:53:56.000 I can't eat certain foods.

00:53:58.000 Really?

00:53:58.000 Like what?

00:53:58.000 Like strawberries.

00:54:00.000 I know, it's so weird.

00:54:03.000 That's a crazy one.

00:54:04.000 The little seeds.

00:54:05.000 Oh really?

00:54:06.000 The pokey-outy seeds?

00:54:07.000 I hate them.

00:54:08.000 Like the feeling of like...

00:54:11.000 What about kiwis?

00:54:13.000 You okay with that?

00:54:13.000 Be the same.

00:54:14.000 Because it's mushy and seeds.

00:54:16.000 Oh, you're a weirdo.

00:54:17.000 I'm a weirdo.

00:54:18.000 Yeah, you definitely are.

00:54:19.000 I think I'm just coming up with excuses not to eat fruit.

00:54:24.000 Like mentally, I'm telling myself this.

00:54:26.000 Keep away from seeds.

00:54:27.000 Yeah.

00:54:28.000 Are you okay with oranges?

00:54:29.000 I like oranges, yeah.

00:54:30.000 What about when you find a seed?

00:54:31.000 Do you get mad?

00:54:31.000 It's different because it's not like that hard...

00:54:34.000 I don't know.

00:54:35.000 Something about the hard, crunchy thing I don't like.

00:54:37.000 Oh, interesting.

00:54:38.000 Same with like...

00:54:40.000 Raspberries, those kind of seeds.

00:54:42.000 Raspberry seeds are a little odd.

00:54:43.000 Yeah.

00:54:44.000 They're a little odd.

00:54:45.000 But I love the flavor of strawberries.

00:54:47.000 So what do you do about it?

00:54:48.000 Do you make someone peel your strawberries?

00:54:50.000 That's what you do when you become a super baller.

00:54:52.000 You're flying around in private jets, get your toes done.

00:54:54.000 Just have someone peel your strawberries.

00:54:56.000 They're like, why?

00:54:57.000 Because I said so!

00:54:59.000 Do it, bitch.

00:55:00.000 Peel the strawberries.

00:55:01.000 You don't have any texture thing?

00:55:03.000 No.

00:55:04.000 Yeah.

00:55:04.000 No.

00:55:06.000 Well, good.

00:55:07.000 I don't have any problems with Dexter.

00:55:08.000 Yeah, I get it though.

00:55:10.000 I eat a lot of crazy shit though.

00:55:13.000 Yeah.

00:55:13.000 I don't have any problems with...

00:55:15.000 You're a very healthy guy.

00:55:16.000 I'm pretty healthy.

00:55:17.000 Mm-hmm.

00:55:18.000 Yeah.

00:55:18.000 Good for you.

00:55:19.000 Thank you.

00:55:23.000 Good for you.

00:55:24.000 Do you have any aspirations to be healthy?

00:55:26.000 Do you want to one day?

00:55:27.000 I mean, I've been trying to be better.

00:55:30.000 I lost 40 pounds.

00:55:31.000 That's awesome.

00:55:32.000 Congratulations.

00:55:33.000 Thank you.

00:55:33.000 I mean, it's more like 32 now.

00:55:35.000 That's good enough.

00:55:36.000 But, you know, it's a start.

00:55:38.000 It is a good start.

00:55:39.000 It always fluctuates.

00:55:40.000 But I think once I got with my fiancée, she's very skinny.

00:55:44.000 Your partner?

00:55:45.000 Yeah, my partner.

00:55:46.000 She's very skinny and she comes from a healthy family.

00:55:48.000 And did she ever, like, bitch, you're crushing me?

00:55:50.000 Well, she was just...

00:55:55.000 Yeah, pretty much.

00:55:57.000 She just was like, you know, we were like in love and it was new.

00:56:02.000 We were eating like 10 course meals all the time.

00:56:04.000 You know, you're just like, then you're just like...

00:56:08.000 Living the high life together.

00:56:09.000 Watching Netflix.

00:56:10.000 Do you drink?

00:56:10.000 Yeah, I drink.

00:56:12.000 So you're drinking wine?

00:56:12.000 Yeah, drinking wine.

00:56:13.000 Old fashioned is my drink.

00:56:15.000 Good times.

00:56:15.000 Getting a little lit with the one you love.

00:56:17.000 But we both just like, we got engaged and saw our engagement photos and we were like, oh shit.

00:56:25.000 Bullshit!

00:56:25.000 Like, there's no joy in looking at our engagement photos.

00:56:28.000 We're both, like, horrified.

00:56:30.000 So, it, like, was the catalyst.

00:56:32.000 We did that Whole30 thing, you know what that is?

00:56:34.000 What's that?

00:56:35.000 It's, like, for 30 days, it's an elimination diet.

00:56:38.000 It's, like, no sugar, no dairy, no gluten, soy, all that stuff, no alcohol.

00:56:44.000 And it really, like, made me, for the first time, start reading labels.

00:56:48.000 I started realizing, like, what all the...

00:56:50.000 Chemicals are in foods and it's basically eating whole foods like meat and vegetables basically for a month.

00:56:56.000 And how'd it go?

00:56:57.000 I lost 20 pounds the first round.

00:56:59.000 That's amazing.

00:57:00.000 Kept it off and then did another round like six months later lost another like 18-20 and I kept it off for a while and it's like over the holidays like Seven pounds or so creep back in.

00:57:11.000 Yeah, the holiday creep.

00:57:14.000 Yeah, but at least I'm like, we're trying to go hiking together.

00:57:17.000 Because I just come from a family.

00:57:18.000 I come from North Carolina.

00:57:21.000 We love fried food.

00:57:22.000 My family's, we're big folks.

00:57:25.000 And I just never really learned that nutrition thing, you know?

00:57:29.000 We didn't have a lot of money.

00:57:30.000 And when you're poor, all the, you know, the worst foods for you are like a dollar.

00:57:35.000 Yeah, isn't that amazing that poor people are fat in this country?

00:57:38.000 Yeah.

00:57:38.000 This is the only time in history where poor people are overweight.

00:57:42.000 In the past, I mean, look at photos from the 1920s when people were poor.

00:57:46.000 They had sunken cheekbones.

00:57:48.000 They're trying not to starve to death.

00:57:49.000 They just needed food.

00:57:51.000 Yeah, so, you know, it's like when you don't have a lot of money, you do tend to go to, like, the fast food places, the food that's not good for you.

00:57:59.000 So I'm almost, like, having to retrain myself and my brain as an adult.

00:58:04.000 And it seems, like, backwards.

00:58:06.000 You can eat pretty good.

00:58:08.000 At fast food if you're smart.

00:58:12.000 Yeah.

00:58:12.000 Like if you can get like three egg McMuffins and just take away the bread and just eat the ham and the egg.

00:58:21.000 And that is actually good.

00:58:22.000 It's not bad?

00:58:22.000 It's actually good for you.

00:58:23.000 Yeah.

00:58:24.000 I mean, it's a bullshit egg.

00:58:26.000 It's really the yellow of the yolk looks like your legal pad.

00:58:30.000 Right.

00:58:30.000 You know, I mean, yellow.

00:58:32.000 Like I buy these organic eggs.

00:58:33.000 I used to have chickens, but the coyotes killed them all.

00:58:36.000 Oh, that's a bummer.

00:58:36.000 Those cunts.

00:58:37.000 Yeah.

00:58:38.000 Cunty coyotes.

00:58:39.000 My brother has chickens and the same thing.

00:58:41.000 My yolks used to look like orange.

00:58:45.000 Yeah.

00:58:45.000 When I would get them from the chickens that I raised because I'd let them roam around, but that's also how they got whacked.

00:58:50.000 Gotcha.

00:58:51.000 We lost a bunch of them that way and then we lost more of them because they broke into the chicken coop and killed them all.

00:58:56.000 But...

00:58:57.000 I buy them now from this organic company that lets their chickens free range and their dark, dark, healthy yolks.

00:59:04.000 You don't get that from McDonald's, unfortunately.

00:59:07.000 No.

00:59:07.000 But you still get eggs, which are good for you, and ham, which is not bad for you.

00:59:11.000 Yeah.

00:59:12.000 You can eat pretty good.

00:59:13.000 Yeah, I think where I get messed up is the road.

00:59:17.000 The road's hard for me to, like, really maintain that.

00:59:21.000 I need structure.

00:59:22.000 I need, like, oh, you know, every day, we're gonna hike, we're gonna do this, we're gonna eat at home.

00:59:26.000 As soon as I start on the road, it's like...

00:59:29.000 Oh, we're, you know, well, we gotta taste this delicacy from, I don't know, Detroit.

00:59:36.000 Right.

00:59:37.000 Well, actually, after shows is a real problem for everybody because you're tired.

00:59:42.000 Yeah.

00:59:43.000 And when you're tired, you make the worst food choices.

00:59:45.000 For sure.

00:59:45.000 You're like, fucking feed me.

00:59:46.000 Cake.

00:59:47.000 Give me cake.

00:59:48.000 Cake for breakfast.

00:59:49.000 Yeah, you want fries.

00:59:51.000 Poutine.

00:59:51.000 You ever been to Montreal and have poutine?

00:59:54.000 It's good.

00:59:55.000 That shit's good.

00:59:56.000 It's really good.

00:59:57.000 That shit with the gravy.

00:59:58.000 Montreal has some good food.

00:59:59.000 They have some good food.

01:00:00.000 There's one of my favorite restaurants ever is in Montreal.

01:00:02.000 It's called Joe Beef.

01:00:03.000 I've heard.

01:00:05.000 I've never been, but all the comics love that place.

01:00:07.000 God damn, it's good.

01:00:08.000 And the guys, Fred and David, have been in here before.

01:00:11.000 They've been on the podcast before.

01:00:13.000 They're great.

01:00:13.000 I was introduced to them by Bourdain.

01:00:15.000 It's a good steakhouse, right?

01:00:17.000 They have everything.

01:00:18.000 Okay.

01:00:18.000 It's a French restaurant.

01:00:20.000 Oh, gotcha.

01:00:21.000 Spectacular food.

01:00:21.000 Yeah.

01:00:22.000 It's the first time I ever ate horse.

01:00:23.000 Oof!

01:00:24.000 I had horse in Switzerland by accident.

01:00:27.000 By accident?

01:00:27.000 It was bovine.

01:00:28.000 It was gnarly.

01:00:29.000 What did you think it was?

01:00:30.000 Again, that texture, man.

01:00:32.000 It tasted like a raw hamburger patty.

01:00:34.000 Oh, well, it was probably tartare.

01:00:36.000 It was probably horse tartare.

01:00:37.000 Yeah, but I didn't order that.

01:00:37.000 I ordered a hamburger.

01:00:39.000 Oh.

01:00:41.000 So you thought you were getting a hamburger and they gave you raw horse meat?

01:00:44.000 Yep.

01:00:44.000 Wow.

01:00:45.000 They're like, listen bitch, I'll tell you what to eat.

01:00:48.000 You're going to need some horse.

01:00:50.000 I bit down in it and I was like...

01:00:57.000 Like my dog in the car.

01:00:59.000 It is interesting what we choose to eat and what we choose not to eat.

01:01:03.000 I went down a homesteading rabbit hole last night.

01:01:06.000 For whatever reason, you know, sometimes I go on these YouTube rabbit holes and last night I spent an hour watching videos of people who raise all of their own food in the homestead.

01:01:17.000 Okay.

01:01:17.000 And this one guy was talking about rabbits, and he raises rabbits, and he has these rabbits in hutches, and then they keep them and eat them.

01:01:28.000 And he was like, two rabbits will give you 600 pounds of meat a year.

01:01:34.000 Really?

01:01:35.000 Yes.

01:01:36.000 Two rabbits.

01:01:37.000 Yeah.

01:01:37.000 Because they fuck so much.

01:01:38.000 Wow.

01:01:39.000 And they make so many rabbit babies.

01:01:40.000 Yeah.

01:01:41.000 And they keep doing it.

01:01:41.000 And then you mix them up and make them fuck them.

01:01:43.000 And they all fuck each other and they make more rabbits.

01:01:46.000 And then you keep feeding those rabbits.

01:01:47.000 And the other thing that he was saying was the rabbit poop is like the best fertilizer on earth.

01:01:52.000 It's amazing fertilizer.

01:01:54.000 And you scatter the rabbit poop and also the birds...

01:01:57.000 Will actively peck at the rabbit poop and they will turn the rabbit poop.

01:02:02.000 They actually turn the soil for you.

01:02:04.000 They fold it into the soil for you.

01:02:06.000 Man.

01:02:07.000 Crazy.

01:02:07.000 These people living off the land, right?

01:02:09.000 Yeah, well this guy was living off the land.

01:02:10.000 He seemed a little odd.

01:02:12.000 Usually...

01:02:12.000 They always are.

01:02:13.000 They're a little...

01:02:15.000 When they're off the grid.

01:02:17.000 He was homeschooling his children, you know, the whole deal.

01:02:20.000 Like, Jesus is coming back, and when he does, we're gonna give him rabbit meat.

01:02:24.000 Everybody's got a bunker.

01:02:25.000 Jesus is coming back.

01:02:27.000 Don't listen to those people at school.

01:02:29.000 They don't know shit.

01:02:29.000 I know those little kids, they try to intertwine with other kids at some point.

01:02:35.000 So hard.

01:02:35.000 And you're just like, aw.

01:02:36.000 Poor kids.

01:02:37.000 You were homeschooled, right?

01:02:38.000 That's a rough spot for kids if they've been homeschooled and then one day they get out in the real world.

01:02:43.000 Well, you just need to socialize them.

01:02:45.000 I mean, listen, if you want to homeschool, good for you.

01:02:48.000 I understand some people, you know, you could end up getting a much better education if you're a good homeschool teacher, but socialize your kids.

01:02:56.000 That will help them.

01:02:57.000 It's hard.

01:02:57.000 I knew this one kid that was socialized and his dad used to take him to jiu-jitsu and he was pretty talented, like pretty talented jiu-jitsu kid.

01:03:04.000 But he was just so socially awkward for someone his age.

01:03:07.000 Yeah.

01:03:08.000 Whereas other kids, I want to say like 16, 17 at the time, other 16, 17-year-old kids who would come to class, they'd be like kids.

01:03:15.000 They'd be having a good time, trying to learn, like, wow, this is cool.

01:03:18.000 But they were used to being around people.

01:03:20.000 Right.

01:03:20.000 This kid was like, oh, the wild world.

01:03:23.000 We're out here in the world in his jiu-jitsu class and he seemed like a little shell-shocked to be around large groups of people, whereas kids that go to school, you're used to being around large groups of people.

01:03:35.000 There's a very valuable socializing aspect to school.

01:03:39.000 Absolutely.

01:03:40.000 I mean, most people don't even learn anything in college.

01:03:43.000 They just learn how to be a cool person to hang out with.

01:03:47.000 Right.

01:03:47.000 Well, they learn some weird stuff.

01:03:49.000 Not everybody.

01:03:49.000 Well, they do learn, but some people also learn how to push buttons.

01:03:54.000 They learn how to get people to like you.

01:03:57.000 They learn how to get people to think you're virtuous and how to be for the right causes and how to shame people that are for the wrong causes and how to try to...

01:04:06.000 Yeah, there's a lot of that going on in college, too.

01:04:08.000 But that's also part of being a young person, right?

01:04:11.000 You're young, you have these ideals, and you're trying to enforce them on other people.

01:04:14.000 Or you think you know more than everybody else.

01:04:17.000 It's hilarious.

01:04:18.000 It's adorable to watch.

01:04:19.000 When I go to college shows now, I'm like, oh, you guys are so young.

01:04:23.000 Yeah.

01:04:23.000 I can't believe it.

01:04:24.000 You still do college shows?

01:04:25.000 Like, here and there, it's Once in a Blue Moon.

01:04:27.000 They're hard.

01:04:29.000 Yeah.

01:04:29.000 Because, you know, those kids just, like, they don't know how to take things, like, they don't get the joke sometimes, you know what I mean?

01:04:38.000 They don't know how to joke around.

01:04:39.000 Everything's so serious.

01:04:40.000 Yeah, very literal.

01:04:41.000 Where you're like, hey, I was being sarcastic, you know?

01:04:44.000 You're not allowed to.

01:04:46.000 Yeah.

01:04:46.000 You shouldn't do that.

01:04:47.000 Yeah.

01:04:48.000 They're like 80% people.

01:04:50.000 They're not 100% people.

01:04:51.000 I've been schooled sometimes.

01:04:53.000 Really?

01:04:53.000 You shouldn't say that.

01:04:54.000 Like, ah, come on.

01:04:55.000 The kids in the crowd tell you or afterwards?

01:04:57.000 It was a while ago, but, you know.

01:04:59.000 Yeah.

01:04:59.000 You're just like, all right.

01:05:01.000 I'm not getting paid enough.

01:05:03.000 I had a kid come up to me once and tell me that something was anti-Semitic.

01:05:06.000 And this was the...

01:05:08.000 It was like someone said, do you know any...

01:05:10.000 It was like one of those fun...

01:05:12.000 It was like a little auditorium, not a big crowd.

01:05:15.000 This was way back in the day, right?

01:05:16.000 Yeah.

01:05:17.000 And someone said, do you know any joke jokes?

01:05:19.000 Any good jokes?

01:05:20.000 I said, okay, I got to know one.

01:05:23.000 Two Jews walk into a bar.

01:05:24.000 They buy it.

01:05:26.000 That's it.

01:05:27.000 And the guy comes up to me and goes, that joke was very anti-Semitic.

01:05:30.000 I go, why?

01:05:30.000 Because Jewish people are good at business?

01:05:32.000 They're successful.

01:05:34.000 That's not anti-Semitic.

01:05:35.000 That's pro-Jewish.

01:05:36.000 That means they're good at buying stuff.

01:05:38.000 They're good at running businesses.

01:05:40.000 That may be a stereotype, but it's a positive stereotype.

01:05:45.000 It's a successful stereotype.

01:05:46.000 It's like black guys with big dicks.

01:05:48.000 Is that racist?

01:05:50.000 Who doesn't want...

01:05:51.000 You to say that.

01:05:52.000 That's not racist.

01:05:53.000 It may be stereotypical.

01:05:55.000 It's a stereotype, but it's a positive stereotype.

01:05:57.000 But no one's been like, yo, Joe, don't say I have a big dick.

01:06:00.000 Italian grandmas are good cooks.

01:06:01.000 Oh my god, you're racist.

01:06:02.000 No, that's usually a fact.

01:06:05.000 Yeah, because there's usually more people where that is true than not.

01:06:09.000 It's a stereotype, but it's a positive stereotype.

01:06:12.000 There's a difference between something that's discriminatory, like it's mean and nasty, and something that's just fun.

01:06:18.000 Yeah, absolutely.

01:06:19.000 And college kids don't get that yet.

01:06:22.000 No.

01:06:22.000 They're at 80%.

01:06:23.000 And so I had this conversation with the kid.

01:06:26.000 He felt like, boy, he was going to tell me.

01:06:29.000 He came up to me to let me know.

01:06:32.000 This is, again, this is the 90s, early 90s.

01:06:35.000 And I was like, how is that possibly anti-Semitic?

01:06:38.000 And he didn't have an answer.

01:06:39.000 He didn't have an answer.

01:06:40.000 He was baffled.

01:06:41.000 He thought he could just say it.

01:06:42.000 And then I'd be like, oh my god, I'm sorry.

01:06:44.000 I didn't know I offended you.

01:06:45.000 And be like, you did.

01:06:46.000 And then he was going to leave.

01:06:49.000 I'm like, think about what the joke is.

01:06:52.000 I'm saying they buy the bar.

01:06:54.000 How is that bad in any way?

01:06:55.000 But that's half of college shows.

01:06:56.000 You're explaining your jokes.

01:06:59.000 I'm taking up time just explaining the joke I just told.

01:07:03.000 But that one in particular is so ridiculous.

01:07:05.000 Because there's nothing negative about it at all.

01:07:07.000 It's the simplest joke of all time.

01:07:09.000 Two Jews walk into a bar, they buy it.

01:07:11.000 It's not even that funny.

01:07:13.000 But I don't know any jokes.

01:07:15.000 I don't know any jokes either.

01:07:18.000 We were like, oh, that's the worst.

01:07:19.000 And we were like, tell me a joke.

01:07:20.000 Get out of here.

01:07:21.000 Get the fuck out of here.

01:07:22.000 Yeah.

01:07:22.000 Tell me what you talk about.

01:07:23.000 Oh, God.

01:07:24.000 I talk about life.

01:07:26.000 I've had fucking comedian, like older comedians in particular, say that.

01:07:30.000 So what kind of shit do you talk about on stage?

01:07:31.000 Like, well, I talk about the hierarchies and how we can dismantle them and separate people.

01:07:39.000 What?

01:07:40.000 I don't know what I talk about.

01:07:42.000 I talk about life.

01:07:42.000 Yeah.

01:07:43.000 That's what I see.

01:07:44.000 Or you will meet somebody for five minutes.

01:07:46.000 They'll be like, you can talk about me if you want.

01:07:48.000 I don't know you.

01:07:49.000 Oh, did they say that?

01:07:50.000 Yeah, what would I possibly talk about?

01:07:53.000 That's what you should say.

01:07:54.000 People that think I'm going to talk about them on stage.

01:07:56.000 Hey, fuckface.

01:07:56.000 Yeah.

01:07:57.000 You ain't interested.

01:07:58.000 I'm like, I'm minding my own crazy life.

01:08:00.000 My own silly family.

01:08:03.000 Yeah, I have no time.

01:08:04.000 I'm good.

01:08:05.000 I have no time to be fucking with you.

01:08:06.000 Yeah.

01:08:07.000 And your nonsense.

01:08:08.000 Your nonsense, man.

01:08:11.000 Yeah, I came up at the store.

01:08:14.000 That's where I first learned stand-up.

01:08:16.000 Really?

01:08:17.000 Yeah.

01:08:17.000 What year did you start?

01:08:18.000 2007. Wow, that's the year I left.

01:08:20.000 I know!

01:08:21.000 That was the whole controversy.

01:08:23.000 Wow.

01:08:25.000 And, yeah, I wasn't there that night, but it was all the talk, obviously.

01:08:29.000 And, yeah, I started 2007 in the belly room.

01:08:32.000 And just, you know, that was when, like, no one was coming to shows.

01:08:37.000 Yeah, it was empty there.

01:08:38.000 They were, like, giving me, like, one 30...

01:08:41.000 That was the one thing that I felt bad about.

01:08:43.000 I felt like, damn, what if that shit place goes under?

01:08:46.000 You know, after I bolted.

01:08:48.000 Yeah.

01:08:48.000 And talked shit about them.

01:08:49.000 Right.

01:08:50.000 Because it hit them.

01:08:52.000 Yeah.

01:08:53.000 It was like just a different time.

01:08:56.000 Like now every show's sold out.

01:08:57.000 Isn't that crazy?

01:08:58.000 Yeah, but back then it was like, I was like performing like four drunk dudes.

01:09:03.000 Well, 2014 is when it all turned back around.

01:09:06.000 What did make it turn back around?

01:09:09.000 Just like all you guys coming back and doing sets all the time?

01:09:12.000 For sure.

01:09:13.000 Yeah.

01:09:13.000 And then talking about it.

01:09:15.000 I think podcasts helped.

01:09:17.000 When I started back again, it was pretty good.

01:09:20.000 It wasn't as good as it is now.

01:09:22.000 Now it's amazing.

01:09:23.000 Now it's great.

01:09:23.000 It's insane how it is now.

01:09:25.000 But creatively, it was really good back then.

01:09:27.000 I saw Roast Battle for the first time.

01:09:29.000 And I remember being there and going, wow, these people are fucking creative.

01:09:34.000 This is a fun show.

01:09:36.000 And I came back because, well, first of all, because Adam Egan and because Tommy got fired, the dipshit that was running it, but also because Ari was doing his comedy special there.

01:09:49.000 Right, right.

01:09:51.000 And I love Art of Death.

01:09:52.000 There was no way I was going to miss that.

01:09:55.000 I was like, I can't miss it.

01:09:56.000 He's one of my best friends.

01:09:57.000 I was friends with him when he was a doorman at the store.

01:10:01.000 Now here he is doing his Comedy Central special there.

01:10:03.000 I'm like, I have to come back.

01:10:05.000 And so I went there the night before, which was a Tuesday.

01:10:07.000 He was filming on a Wednesday.

01:10:09.000 I came to the night before and I saw Roast Battle and then hung out.

01:10:12.000 I was like, holy shit.

01:10:13.000 I was like, this just feels crazy.

01:10:14.000 It feels like a different place.

01:10:16.000 Like a whole different energy.

01:10:18.000 Yeah.

01:10:18.000 And Adam was like, come on, man, come back.

01:10:20.000 That was 2014?

01:10:22.000 Man, that was a long time.

01:10:23.000 A long time ago.

01:10:24.000 Yeah.

01:10:25.000 I mean, between the...

01:10:26.000 Seven years I was gone.

01:10:27.000 Yeah, I was gone for seven years.

01:10:28.000 Yeah.

01:10:30.000 And then I saw Ari's set, and then I sat down with Pauly, made nice nights with Pauly, became buddies again.

01:10:37.000 Yeah.

01:10:38.000 And then I said, fuck it, I'm back.

01:10:40.000 And then when I came back, Joey came back I think a little bit before me.

01:10:44.000 I think Joey was back like maybe a month before I was, which helped me as well.

01:10:49.000 And then Duncan came back a little bit after that.

01:10:52.000 And then Adam, because everybody loves Adam, he opened the door to a bunch of comics that never worked the store before.

01:10:58.000 They thought it was like...

01:10:59.000 They thought it was dark.

01:11:01.000 Yeah.

01:11:01.000 A lot of people thought it was like a gross place.

01:11:03.000 What a weird energy.

01:11:04.000 Yeah.

01:11:05.000 There was, like, you would walk down the hall and you could feel that sort of heaviness.

01:11:09.000 And you're like, this is a comedy place.

01:11:11.000 Like, this is weird that it feels so heavy.

01:11:13.000 Well, that place has gone through weird peaks and valleys.

01:11:15.000 When I went there in 94, I first came here from Boston, or from New York, actually.

01:11:20.000 I went to Boston, New York.

01:11:21.000 But when I was in Boston, it was Mecca.

01:11:23.000 We would talk about it like, dude, that's where Kinison came from.

01:11:26.000 Yeah, for sure.

01:11:27.000 Kinison was at the store.

01:11:28.000 Richard Pryor.

01:11:29.000 You know, Bill Hicks was a doorman.

01:11:31.000 I mean, we would talk about it with hushed tones.

01:11:34.000 It was like the Mecca.

01:11:35.000 It was Mecca.

01:11:36.000 But then when I came here in 94, it was dog shit.

01:11:38.000 Really?

01:11:38.000 Oh, it was terrible.

01:11:39.000 It was terrible.

01:11:40.000 There were a bunch of Bodaks.

01:11:41.000 See, what happened was, Kinnison died in like 92. And when he died, there was a vacuum.

01:11:48.000 There was a void.

01:11:49.000 And he had already left the store.

01:11:50.000 He left the store, I think, like a year or two before that.

01:11:52.000 He had a falling out with Mitzi.

01:11:54.000 And, you know, he was fucking crazy.

01:11:55.000 Kinnison was like legitimately crazy.

01:11:57.000 Yeah.

01:11:58.000 And there was a wave when he was there where a bunch of people would come to see him and some of the other guys like you know Rick Duke come in and some you know there was Martin Lawrence was there and then well actually Martin Lawrence was there during the time during 94 when I was there yeah maybe like 95 or 96 but when I when I came back most of the nights you would be there like Monday Tuesday Wednesday it was like terrible half filled rooms yeah terrible acts People that should have quit comedy years ago,

01:12:25.000 but they were only doing the store.

01:12:26.000 They were getting spots, too.

01:12:27.000 They were getting spots, but they weren't working.

01:12:29.000 They weren't working comics.

01:12:31.000 And they were working probably the same material.

01:12:33.000 That was happening a lot even when I started.

01:12:35.000 Yes, yes.

01:12:36.000 They were working the same material forever.

01:12:38.000 For years and years and years.

01:12:40.000 And that was fucking gross.

01:12:43.000 It was weird to see.

01:12:45.000 I remember the first night I came there, I sat in the back of the room to watch a show.

01:12:49.000 I was out here for a pilot.

01:12:51.000 Me and Jim Brewer, we're out here filming a pilot.

01:12:54.000 We both lived on the East Coast.

01:12:56.000 And I was like, wow, this is the store?

01:12:59.000 This is weird.

01:13:00.000 These backs are terrible.

01:13:01.000 No one was good.

01:13:02.000 There was no one good.

01:13:04.000 It wasn't like Don Marrero was there.

01:13:06.000 I mean, I'm sure he was there occasionally, but it wasn't like it is tonight, where any night you go there, you'll see...

01:13:11.000 Ron White, Chris D'Elia, Nick Swartz, and Whitney Cummings, fucking Anthony Jesselnik.

01:13:16.000 It's like bang, bang, bang, bang, bang.

01:13:17.000 Ali Wong, just killer after killer after killer after killer.

01:13:21.000 It's like, holy shit.

01:13:22.000 Yeah, and it wasn't...

01:13:23.000 When I started, it wasn't...

01:13:25.000 Like, Tony was the door guy.

01:13:27.000 He was a door guy then.

01:13:30.000 Delia was just starting to do the OR. It was an interesting time.

01:13:37.000 Whitney was doing a lot of spots in OR. It was very cliquish.

01:13:43.000 Everybody kind of knew each other.

01:13:45.000 I just started in the belly room and worked my way down.

01:13:49.000 It was cool, though, because it made you better.

01:13:52.000 There was like...

01:13:54.000 I rarely did a show with more than 10 people in the audience.

01:13:58.000 At least downstairs.

01:14:01.000 Those late night spots are weird.

01:14:03.000 Yeah, they're weird.

01:14:04.000 And they didn't care.

01:14:05.000 Tommy didn't care if people were on TV. I remember Jordan Peele had just finished Mad TV. He, they put him up on, it was like that Bringer, not Bringer show, it was an open mic.

01:14:16.000 They let him do like three minutes on this open mic.

01:14:19.000 And he wasn't what he is now as far as like he had this huge hit movie.

01:14:23.000 Now he's this massive director.

01:14:25.000 But he would have been on MADtv for seven years.

01:14:28.000 He went like three and a half minutes.

01:14:30.000 Tommy comes storming out.

01:14:32.000 Get the fuck off the station!

01:14:35.000 You're like, what's happening?

01:14:37.000 It was like the wild, wild west.

01:14:39.000 And so I just kind of kept to myself and just kept doing jokes.

01:14:44.000 Well, Tommy should have never been in a position ever to tell anyone what to do.

01:14:47.000 Yeah.

01:14:48.000 And they let him do that because he was basically Mitzi's caretaker.

01:14:51.000 Right.

01:14:52.000 You know, along the way, he alienated a lot of people.

01:14:55.000 It became a real mess for a lot of people.

01:14:58.000 But I had, you know, I was lucky because early on, like, guys started seeing me perform in the belly room and they were the ones, because, you know, it was hard to get his ear.

01:15:07.000 You had to, like, get his ear to, like, let you showcase.

01:15:10.000 But, like, I remember Brett Ernst saw me at a show and he's like, you gotta, you gotta showcase.

01:15:15.000 I was like, I can't get...

01:15:17.000 Tommy's attention, you know?

01:15:19.000 So it was like dudes would like, you know, he would see Tommy and be like, you gotta let her showcase, you gotta let her showcase.

01:15:24.000 I always wondered if maybe he was like Jack Nicholson in The Shining, like in the Overlook Hotel.

01:15:28.000 Maybe the place like took over him.

01:15:30.000 It might have.

01:15:31.000 Like maybe he was just vulnerable and dumb enough so that the ghost could get in his head.

01:15:37.000 Because that place is definitely weird.

01:15:41.000 But it's real positive now.

01:15:43.000 It's a different feel.

01:15:45.000 That darkness isn't there anymore.

01:15:47.000 It's very supportive.

01:15:48.000 I showcased Ramitzi.

01:15:50.000 I did the video though.

01:15:52.000 She wasn't there.

01:15:53.000 She had just passed Justin Martindale.

01:15:58.000 Justin Martindale was the last person she passed.

01:16:01.000 She passed me as a non-paid regular first.

01:16:06.000 Me too.

01:16:07.000 Yeah.

01:16:07.000 So I got to do the belly room on Friday nights.

01:16:10.000 Oh, nice.

01:16:11.000 And then I was a non-paid regular for like six months and then I got past it.

01:16:16.000 Yeah, my story was real similar.

01:16:17.000 I was a non-paid regular for like I think four or five months.

01:16:20.000 I was going on every night, late, late, late at night or going on after the show was over.

01:16:24.000 Mm-hmm.

01:16:25.000 And I get it.

01:16:27.000 I got past three years in the stand-up, so I wasn't complaining.

01:16:32.000 But she was like, she needs to keep working.

01:16:35.000 I'm not going to make her a paid regular yet.

01:16:37.000 So it made me have to work.

01:16:39.000 Yeah.

01:16:40.000 Work for it, which I appreciate now.

01:16:41.000 Well, also, it's like you get used to the club.

01:16:44.000 You get used to just being there.

01:16:46.000 Like, to me, just being there was so weird.

01:16:48.000 But I was six years in a comedy when I came to L.A. Yeah.

01:16:52.000 And I remember the day I became a paid regular.

01:16:55.000 It was like, I couldn't sleep.

01:16:57.000 Mm-hmm.

01:16:58.000 I was like, holy shit.

01:17:00.000 I was staying in the Oakwood Gardens apartments.

01:17:03.000 Oh, yeah?

01:17:03.000 These furnished apartments.

01:17:04.000 Oh, the furnished ones, yeah.

01:17:05.000 You know what I mean?

01:17:05.000 I remember by Disney.

01:17:06.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:17:07.000 And I was laying in bed going, holy fuck, I'm a paid regular at the store.

01:17:11.000 Like, I'm a real comedian now.

01:17:13.000 Yeah.

01:17:13.000 That's all I could think of.

01:17:14.000 I was like, I'm a real comedian.

01:17:16.000 Like, I'm a professional.

01:17:17.000 Yeah, I mean, it's a big deal.

01:17:19.000 Oh my god, for me it was huge.

01:17:20.000 And it was like, because I started an improv and sketch at the Groundlings.

01:17:25.000 Oh, did you?

01:17:26.000 Yeah, so I had like, even though I was newer to stand-up, I had that stage experience for a couple years before I started stand-up, which I felt helped me just get in the rhythm of stand-up right away.

01:17:37.000 And so I just kind of hit the ground running and...

01:17:40.000 You know, to me, one of my biggest accomplishments is being a paid regular and that I got it before I was on TV. Because sometimes, you know, I feel like that does help when you're like on TV. They're like, oh, they're, well, they're funny.

01:17:53.000 They're on TV and they sometimes get passed.

01:17:56.000 And so it made me feel like a real comic to get passed and not have any TV credits.

01:18:02.000 Yeah.

01:18:03.000 No, I'm sure.

01:18:04.000 I mean, having any kind of performance experience is going to at least give you this comfortable feeling of performing and talking in front of people.

01:18:14.000 For some people, it's so weird.

01:18:15.000 Talking in front of people is just...

01:18:17.000 They say that's one of the most terrifying things that some people can do.

01:18:20.000 Yeah, like before death.

01:18:22.000 People were afraid.

01:18:23.000 I'm like, really?

01:18:24.000 I'd rather...

01:18:25.000 You'd rather do a set in the belly row.

01:18:27.000 Yeah, just get a mic.

01:18:29.000 Do you really want to be that scared of it?

01:18:30.000 When did you start doing The Road?

01:18:32.000 Pretty quick.

01:18:34.000 2010, I did Last Comic Standing.

01:18:36.000 Oh.

01:18:37.000 Who was on that season?

01:18:38.000 That was Felipe, as far as the one that year.

01:18:41.000 Oh, Felipe!

01:18:41.000 Tommy Johnigan.

01:18:43.000 Oh, nice.

01:18:43.000 I love Felipe.

01:18:44.000 Yeah, Nikki Glaser.

01:18:46.000 Oh, she was on, too?

01:18:46.000 She was on that season, yeah.

01:18:48.000 Damn, that's a good season.

01:18:49.000 It's a good season, and it had gone away and come back, so it was kind of an experience.

01:18:53.000 Who was the host?

01:18:54.000 Craig Robinson.

01:18:55.000 Oh, okay.

01:18:56.000 Yeah, and so I did that, and I started The Road after that, but like shit gigs, you know?

01:19:01.000 I forgot Craig was the host of it.

01:19:03.000 I just remember when Jay was the host of it.

01:19:05.000 Yeah.

01:19:06.000 It had been on, and it was more of a reality show with stand-up, and when they brought it back, it was just stand-up.

01:19:13.000 No one was living in a house together.

01:19:15.000 Oh, really?

01:19:16.000 Yeah, there were no challenges.

01:19:17.000 It was just stand-up.

01:19:19.000 Oh, thank God.

01:19:19.000 Oh, yeah.

01:19:19.000 You got lucky.

01:19:20.000 Yeah, for sure, because I was like, I don't want to live in a house with a bunch of stand-ups.

01:19:24.000 Oh, God.

01:19:25.000 So, we just got to do stand-up, and then I started touring after that, and then...

01:19:30.000 2011, I got Chelsea Lately, and then I started...

01:19:33.000 Basically, I've been touring ever since.

01:19:35.000 Oh, that's cool.

01:19:36.000 That's amazing.

01:19:37.000 That's a good little origin story.

01:19:40.000 Yeah.

01:19:40.000 Well, Bill Burr used to...

01:19:42.000 He's always been so nice to me, and he'd always be like...

01:19:47.000 Why are you never at the store?

01:19:48.000 I'm like, I'm touring.

01:19:49.000 I promise you I'm doing stand-up.

01:19:51.000 I just started touring and wasn't going in as much for a little bit.

01:19:57.000 That's great, though.

01:19:58.000 But he's always like, you need to stop acting and just do stand-up.

01:20:02.000 I'm like, I get it, but I do like acting.

01:20:06.000 When he says that, it's a compliment.

01:20:07.000 Yeah.

01:20:07.000 For sure.

01:20:08.000 He just thinks you're really funny.

01:20:10.000 That's high praise.

01:20:12.000 Yeah, he's always been so good to me.

01:20:14.000 He's a great guy.

01:20:15.000 He's a really good guy.

01:20:16.000 The best.

01:20:16.000 I just didn't think that he would be into my comedy, you know?

01:20:21.000 He loves comedy, period.

01:20:22.000 Yeah.

01:20:22.000 Yeah, and he loves the art form, and he respects people that work hard at it and that are good at it.

01:20:28.000 He's so down to earth, like still.

01:20:31.000 Yeah.

01:20:31.000 And no matter all the success that he's had, I've known him forever.

01:20:34.000 He's never changed.

01:20:35.000 Ugh.

01:20:36.000 He's the same guy.

01:20:37.000 I love him.

01:20:38.000 And he's so humble.

01:20:39.000 Like, if you tell him that he's doing well, it's like, ah, a lot of people are doing well.

01:20:43.000 Yeah, he's in shits on himself.

01:20:45.000 We're like, come on, man.

01:20:47.000 But that's why he's so funny.

01:20:48.000 I mean, this is also a unique time in that comics are putting out all these specials, and the specials are better with each time.

01:20:55.000 Like, I think Paper Tiger was one of his best specials ever.

01:20:58.000 Maybe his best.

01:20:59.000 It was really sharp.

01:21:00.000 And it's hard to top yourself at his level, you know?

01:21:03.000 It is.

01:21:03.000 But that's the thing about the store that's so wonderful.

01:21:06.000 I hate to use that word because it makes me sound fake.

01:21:08.000 Wonderful.

01:21:09.000 Wonderful.

01:21:10.000 It's so amazing that there's so many people doing that.

01:21:13.000 And it's cool to be able to sit down and talk to the different people that are doing it in different ways.

01:21:20.000 Bill doesn't put himself on any kind of a cycle.

01:21:23.000 He just decides when it's time to do a special.

01:21:25.000 I don't want to ruin it.

01:21:27.000 Whenever I want to do it, then I'll do a special.

01:21:30.000 But Jeselnik puts himself on a cycle.

01:21:32.000 And it's an interesting cycle.

01:21:33.000 Oh, does he?

01:21:34.000 One year, all town.

01:21:35.000 All in town.

01:21:36.000 Crafting the material.

01:21:38.000 One year, clubs.

01:21:39.000 One year, theaters.

01:21:41.000 Film a special.

01:21:42.000 I did not know that.

01:21:44.000 Jeselnik is one of the hardest workers and one of the most clever writers in the business.

01:21:48.000 Yeah, he's very sharp.

01:21:49.000 Very clever.

01:21:50.000 And his jokes are one of those jokes where you hear it and you go...

01:21:54.000 This is like a pause.

01:21:56.000 You're like, God, that's a good point.

01:21:57.000 Well, because you don't see it coming, too, which is a real talent.

01:22:01.000 Yes.

01:22:02.000 And he goes dark.

01:22:03.000 Oh, it gets dark.

01:22:04.000 There's only so many people that can get away with that.

01:22:07.000 Oh, he can get away with it.

01:22:08.000 Where you're like, whew, you did that.

01:22:10.000 Yeah, but he's confident.

01:22:13.000 It's also just so well done.

01:22:16.000 It's like if you're going to drive fast, you better be really good at driving.

01:22:20.000 You know what I mean?

01:22:21.000 If you're going to do dark comedy, you better be really good at crafting jokes.

01:22:26.000 And you've got to go all in.

01:22:28.000 You can't just dip a toe in it.

01:22:30.000 He's fucking cliff diving.

01:22:34.000 He makes me laugh, though.

01:22:35.000 There was a LA Times, I don't know what it was, they were interviewing Sebastian Maniscalco, and they came to the store to interview him, and they said that Jeselnik came in the room where he was being interviewed and just sat and stared at him to purposefully Make him uncomfortable.

01:22:53.000 I thought that was so funny.

01:22:56.000 That sounds like Jessel Neck.

01:22:58.000 And then he finally got to Sebastian and was like, okay, can you get out of here?

01:23:02.000 He's another guy who Sebastian is.

01:23:04.000 It's hugely successful, but really humble.

01:23:06.000 Never changed at all.

01:23:08.000 Yeah.

01:23:08.000 Just happy and grateful.

01:23:11.000 Yeah.

01:23:12.000 Well, that's the cool thing about comedy right now.

01:23:14.000 I mean, you've seen so many different iterations of it, but dudes are selling out arenas.

01:23:19.000 I mean, you too.

01:23:21.000 Comedy is as big as rock guys, you know?

01:23:25.000 It used to be the opposite.

01:23:27.000 It was always the rock guys were here and the comics wanted to be them, and now all these guys are like...

01:23:33.000 Killing it.

01:23:34.000 Yeah, well, the difference is the rock guys have a fucking band and they have to get along with the band.

01:23:40.000 I bring different opening acts all the time.

01:23:43.000 I don't want anybody to get annoying.

01:23:44.000 I mix it up.

01:23:45.000 And we don't have to bring shit with us.

01:23:47.000 We don't have to bring drums.

01:23:48.000 Isn't that the beauty of it?

01:23:50.000 I'm going to plug in an amp and hear the feedback.

01:23:54.000 You don't do a tour bus, right?

01:23:56.000 No.

01:23:57.000 What am I, Burt Kreischer?

01:23:58.000 That fucking dipshit.

01:23:59.000 He's got his name on the side of it.

01:24:01.000 I love him to death.

01:24:02.000 He's one of my best friends.

01:24:03.000 But what the fuck, Burt?

01:24:04.000 I love Burt.

01:24:05.000 But that is...

01:24:06.000 What the fuck?

01:24:07.000 His big picture of his face all over his bus?

01:24:10.000 It's me!

01:24:12.000 It's me!

01:24:13.000 He and Joe Coy always mess with each other.

01:24:16.000 Joe's all showing his plane and Bert's showing his tour bus.

01:24:20.000 Does Joe Coy have a plane with his face on it?

01:24:22.000 Not with his face on it.

01:24:24.000 They're showing off their loads of transportation.

01:24:28.000 And I'm all like, I hope I get upgraded on American this weekend.

01:24:31.000 Yeah, look at that bus.

01:24:33.000 Get the fuck out of here.

01:24:35.000 Look at those beautiful boobs.

01:24:37.000 Body Shot World Tour.

01:24:38.000 Look, he's got his fucking podcast.

01:24:39.000 That's just, you're just begging to get stalked.

01:24:42.000 Yeah, but I mean, that is, it is a walk.

01:24:44.000 That's what he wants though.

01:24:45.000 It's a roll-in advertisement.

01:24:47.000 I mean, I guess.

01:24:48.000 It's also annoying.

01:24:52.000 All of us, all of his friends are like, what are you doing, man?

01:24:55.000 But he's been that guy forever where he's just like, hey, I'm going to a bar after the show.

01:25:00.000 Let's go.

01:25:01.000 Like, I don't think he cares.

01:25:03.000 He's drunk!

01:25:04.000 Yeah.

01:25:04.000 Why would he care?

01:25:05.000 He's drunk.

01:25:06.000 And in college, he was like the dude, the party guy.

01:25:09.000 He was the inspiration for that movie with Ryan Reynolds.

01:25:13.000 Van Wilder.

01:25:14.000 Van Wilder.

01:25:14.000 He was the inspiration.

01:25:15.000 I know.

01:25:16.000 It's crazy.

01:25:17.000 Isn't that fucking nuts?

01:25:18.000 So a guy like I love him to death, he would have a bus with his face on it.

01:25:25.000 Of course he would.

01:25:26.000 Of course he would.

01:25:29.000 He's so silly.

01:25:31.000 It works.

01:25:32.000 It's also, he's so grateful because he had this Travel Channel show.

01:25:39.000 Yeah.

01:25:40.000 And all of us, Bert was out there traveling and he's doing these shows and he's gone for months and months at a time.

01:25:49.000 And all of us, like Bill talked to him about it, I talked to him about it.

01:25:52.000 I remember I called him once and he was drunk on a motorcycle in Vietnam.

01:25:56.000 Yeah, he told me that story.

01:25:58.000 He said you were a big reason why he was like, I gotta stop doing this and get back to stand-up.

01:26:04.000 Yeah, I'm like, dude, you're a great comic.

01:26:05.000 You're a funny guy, and that'll go away.

01:26:08.000 And you'll be at the beck and call of these people on the Travel Channel who want to censor you.

01:26:15.000 I mean, everything has to be squeaky clean down the middle.

01:26:18.000 I was friends with Bourdain, and he had real problems with the Travel Channel.

01:26:22.000 At the time, I think they were owned by very religious people.

01:26:25.000 Oh, I didn't know that.

01:26:26.000 Yeah, there was a lot of weird shit.

01:26:28.000 So he couldn't talk about things?

01:26:31.000 No.

01:26:32.000 Bert's a fucking savage.

01:26:33.000 He's a drunk savage.

01:26:34.000 And he's out there...

01:26:36.000 I mean, he enjoyed being employed on television.

01:26:39.000 It was all good.

01:26:40.000 It wasn't a bad thing.

01:26:42.000 It was a great job.

01:26:43.000 I'm sure he loved the job.

01:26:45.000 But I equated it...

01:26:46.000 I had experience doing Fear Factor.

01:26:48.000 So for me, it was kind of the same thing.

01:26:50.000 But at least Fear Factor was in town.

01:26:51.000 And I could do the store at night, but I was telling him, I'm like, listen, man, you won't be happy unless you have a career as a standup.

01:26:57.000 You're always going to wonder.

01:26:59.000 You're always going to see these guys, but you're going to drive by the improv, see these guys headlining.

01:27:02.000 It could be me.

01:27:03.000 I could be up there having a great time.

01:27:05.000 Yeah, and look at the level he's at now.

01:27:08.000 That wouldn't have happened.

01:27:09.000 He's crushing it.

01:27:10.000 Yeah, he's crushing it.

01:27:11.000 He's selling out fucking theaters everywhere.

01:27:14.000 Everywhere.

01:27:15.000 Yeah, I mean, it's a direct result of him deciding to take that chance, and that's a hard chance to take when you have a family.

01:27:21.000 I'll tell you, that's one of the hardest things in this business is betting on yourself.

01:27:25.000 Yeah.

01:27:26.000 Because it's so hard to get stability in this business.

01:27:28.000 So when you get a taste of it, you're like, oh, I can't.

01:27:31.000 I don't want to mess this up.

01:27:33.000 Yes.

01:27:34.000 But you don't realize that the risk is greater.

01:27:36.000 You might fail, but the risk is if it works, it works like five times.

01:27:41.000 The reward is way greater.

01:27:42.000 Yes, exactly.

01:27:43.000 But that's a hard leap for a lot of people to take.

01:27:46.000 It is.

01:27:47.000 It's one of the reasons why I have so many jobs.

01:27:49.000 I don't want anybody to have any power over me.

01:27:53.000 I have a good philosophy on how I do my thing.

01:28:00.000 I just want to do my best and have fun.

01:28:04.000 And the more people that are in your ear talking to you about stuff and telling you what to do and what not to do and what you can get away with and not get away with, the more you're fucked.

01:28:12.000 Well, yeah.

01:28:12.000 It's like you're never going to find your best voice.

01:28:15.000 You're just not going to.

01:28:16.000 Because you're not being you at the end of the day.

01:28:19.000 You're compromising yourself for some company or you're compromising yourself because you want to get hired for the next job after this job is over.

01:28:27.000 But when you don't have a job and you're just an artist, then you just get to create the best comedy you can create.

01:28:34.000 And the podcast thing just sort of became like a support.

01:28:39.000 It started off just for fun.

01:28:41.000 Yeah.

01:28:42.000 And then it became like a support mechanism, and then it became this, what it is now, which is just bizarre.

01:28:48.000 Which, how long ago was it that it started?

01:28:50.000 Ten years.

01:28:51.000 Ten years, yeah.

01:28:52.000 So it was like at the forefront of it.

01:28:56.000 Yeah, I started after I got booted from the store.

01:28:58.000 Yeah.

01:28:59.000 Yeah, I started two years later.

01:29:00.000 You're like, find your own outlet.

01:29:03.000 Well, it was that.

01:29:04.000 I was also depressed.

01:29:05.000 I'd just come back from Colorado.

01:29:06.000 I was trying to move to Colorado.

01:29:07.000 But then my wife got pregnant when we were in the mountains.

01:29:11.000 And we got a house in the mountains, like 8,500 feet above sea level.

01:29:16.000 Like way up there.

01:29:17.000 Like to live?

01:29:17.000 I wanted to live up there.

01:29:19.000 Yeah.

01:29:20.000 I was tired of like...

01:29:22.000 For me it was like big crowds.

01:29:24.000 Like all these big crowds.

01:29:25.000 And what would be like the perfect antidote to big crowds?

01:29:28.000 No one.

01:29:28.000 Right.

01:29:29.000 Just peace.

01:29:30.000 So that was like...

01:29:32.000 When a woman gets pregnant at very high altitude, it's actually kind of dangerous.

01:29:36.000 Oh, really?

01:29:37.000 Especially if you're not acclimated.

01:29:39.000 Denver, which is only 5,500 feet, has a very high number of premature births.

01:29:47.000 Oh, I didn't know that.

01:29:47.000 Yeah, because of that.

01:29:49.000 Because of the altitude.

01:29:50.000 There's no fucking air up there.

01:29:52.000 People are not supposed to live up there, probably.

01:29:54.000 Babies need oxygen.

01:29:56.000 So we moved back, and when we moved back, I was like, all right.

01:29:59.000 I was like, I gotta do something different.

01:30:01.000 And so me and Redband started doing just with a laptop answering questions.

01:30:07.000 Just like doing a live stream and answering questions to knuckleheads.

01:30:12.000 Like 200 people.

01:30:14.000 That's how it started.

01:30:15.000 You put it up on your own website?

01:30:16.000 Put it up on Ustream at first.

01:30:19.000 And then after a few months we decided to start uploading it to iTunes as an audio version of it.

01:30:24.000 And then it became what it is now.

01:30:26.000 That's awesome.

01:30:27.000 It's very strange.

01:30:28.000 But that also helps me to not have a job.

01:30:31.000 I don't have to think.

01:30:33.000 Well, now you are not making decisions out of fear.

01:30:37.000 Exactly.

01:30:37.000 And that's where people really get bit in the ass.

01:30:40.000 Yes, yes.

01:30:41.000 Everyone's making decisions out of fear.

01:30:43.000 But it's hard.

01:30:43.000 It's hard to take that fucking leap, you know?

01:30:45.000 It's hard.

01:30:46.000 It's dangerous.

01:30:47.000 It's a dangerous leap to bet on yourself.

01:30:50.000 Absolutely, yeah.

01:30:51.000 When did you first realize fully you're making a living doing stand-up?

01:30:56.000 When did you go like, I don't need anything else?

01:30:59.000 Um...

01:31:00.000 I mean, like I said, I started touring in 2010, but it was like, you know, small clubs and...

01:31:09.000 Were you middling?

01:31:09.000 Yeah.

01:31:10.000 No, I never middling.

01:31:11.000 I went straight from the store to headlining.

01:31:14.000 Really?

01:31:14.000 Yeah, it was a weird journey.

01:31:15.000 That's crazy.

01:31:16.000 I wish I had middled.

01:31:18.000 How the fuck did you do that?

01:31:20.000 Last Comic Standing and Chelsea, they came back to back.

01:31:23.000 Wow.

01:31:24.000 Yeah, and so, because I had been at the store for three years just honing my material and I was doing sets all the time.

01:31:30.000 I was doing shows constantly around town.

01:31:32.000 Last Comic Standing launched a lot of people, right?

01:31:34.000 Eliza?

01:31:35.000 Yeah.

01:31:36.000 Who else?

01:31:37.000 Felipe?

01:31:38.000 You?

01:31:40.000 Was it Alonzo?

01:31:42.000 Did Alonzo get launched from last time, Stanley?

01:31:44.000 He's done so many things, though.

01:31:45.000 Him and Kathleen Madigan, they did it early on.

01:31:51.000 Ralphie, for sure.

01:31:52.000 Ralphie, yeah, and Gary Goldman.

01:31:54.000 It was early on.

01:31:55.000 But Gary Goldman was on that fucking Dane Cook thing.

01:31:59.000 That weird HBO thing that they did together.

01:32:02.000 I forgot about that.

01:32:03.000 Yeah, everybody did.

01:32:04.000 Yeah, and so I wish I had middled, because I would have like, still to this day, I'm like, God, I'm so curious how other people do their shows, you know?

01:32:11.000 But I just sort of went from zero to 60, like, doing the story for three years.

01:32:17.000 That's crazy.

01:32:17.000 To, like, headlining.

01:32:19.000 How much time did you have?

01:32:21.000 Oh my god, probably 30 minutes.

01:32:23.000 And you're headlining?

01:32:24.000 I was headlining, but because of my improv background with Groundlings, I did a lot of crowd work.

01:32:30.000 Oh, well that's good for you for taking that chance.

01:32:33.000 I was able to kind of trick people.

01:32:35.000 So you were three years into your act and you were headlining on the road, off of television.

01:32:39.000 Off of TV, yeah.

01:32:41.000 Crazy.

01:32:42.000 But, you know, I packed a lot into the first three years.

01:32:45.000 Because, you know, a lot of people, you're just trying to find stage time.

01:32:49.000 But somehow I got lucky.

01:32:50.000 I was getting tons of stage time.

01:32:52.000 So for three years, I was doing like six nights, seven nights a week of multiple shows.

01:32:57.000 Oh, that's awesome.

01:32:58.000 So I was getting material quickly, I think.

01:33:02.000 A lot of reps.

01:33:03.000 Yeah.

01:33:03.000 A lot of reps, yeah.

01:33:04.000 I did the show for Adam Barnhart for a year every Sunday night.

01:33:09.000 He would give me 10 minutes in brand new comic.

01:33:11.000 You know, that's huge when you're a brand new comic.

01:33:14.000 So I was building material quickly.

01:33:17.000 But like for as far as like a good set, it was like 30 minutes.

01:33:21.000 But then I would do the crowd work and I would sprinkle it in.

01:33:25.000 And so it would...

01:33:27.000 You know, turn out to be a decent 45-minute show.

01:33:30.000 And then I just kept doing that.

01:33:32.000 And then I was on Chelsea for four years.

01:33:35.000 I left Chelsea to do acting.

01:33:37.000 And then stand-up took a little bit of a dip.

01:33:40.000 But then I did my half hour for Netflix.

01:33:41.000 It came back up again.

01:33:43.000 And I was doing well at clubs the last couple years.

01:33:45.000 And then my Netflix special, Sweet and Salty, just came out.

01:33:49.000 And this is my first theater tour and it's been selling well.

01:33:53.000 So now I feel, I get to answer your question right now.

01:33:56.000 Right now, 13 years in.

01:33:58.000 13 years in.

01:33:59.000 Because in stand-up, 13 years is like nothing.

01:34:03.000 You know what I mean?

01:34:03.000 Listen, 13 years to get into a theater tour at 13 years is amazing.

01:34:08.000 Oh, really?

01:34:08.000 Yeah, that's great.

01:34:10.000 Yeah.

01:34:11.000 I don't know.

01:34:12.000 My timeline's so all over the place that I don't know.

01:34:14.000 That's really good.

01:34:15.000 Thirteen years I wasn't doing a theater tour.

01:34:17.000 Yeah.

01:34:18.000 So this is my first one.

01:34:19.000 And, you know, that's the nice thing about the Netflix reach, you know.

01:34:24.000 Does anybody come up to you and go, I love Sirius.

01:34:28.000 Sometimes, yeah, yeah.

01:34:29.000 Really?

01:34:29.000 Yeah.

01:34:30.000 What do you think, though?

01:34:31.000 Netflix is like 90% of the reach.

01:34:33.000 For the theater tour?

01:34:35.000 Yes.

01:34:35.000 Yeah.

01:34:36.000 The special?

01:34:37.000 Yeah.

01:34:37.000 I mean, I've done a lot of acting the last few years.

01:34:41.000 I did the Mindy Project for three seasons and some other things, a bunch of guest stars, some movies.

01:34:47.000 What kind of contract do you guys have for doing that serious thing?

01:34:51.000 I think we signed a year contract, and then it's kind of like we'll see it a year if everyone's happy.

01:34:56.000 I think that's what it is.

01:34:58.000 Let's talk after the show.

01:34:59.000 Okay.

01:35:00.000 I have some suggestions.

01:35:02.000 Yeah.

01:35:02.000 And then the special, as far as stand-up, I mean, I feel like a lot of people, because they knew me from acting, didn't know I was a stand-up.

01:35:12.000 But stand-up's always been so important to me, and I was always on the road.

01:35:17.000 Even when I was acting, I was constantly headlining.

01:35:20.000 And I ran into Bill like a year ago on the road and he was like, what are you doing?

01:35:23.000 I'm like, I've been headlining.

01:35:25.000 He goes, you're headlining?

01:35:26.000 I go, yes.

01:35:27.000 People don't know I've been headlining since 2010. I just don't talk about it.

01:35:31.000 I just do my shows.

01:35:32.000 And now that I had my special come out, it's really great.

01:35:36.000 It's like I'm doing these cool theaters.

01:35:38.000 We're adding two shows most nights.

01:35:40.000 That's amazing.

01:35:41.000 It's awesome.

01:35:42.000 That's amazing.

01:35:42.000 People are really lovely.

01:35:44.000 That's awesome.

01:35:44.000 Congratulations.

01:35:45.000 Thank you.

01:35:45.000 That's really cool.

01:35:47.000 I appreciate it.

01:35:47.000 That's fucking awesome.

01:35:48.000 It's different.

01:35:49.000 Like I said, it's a lot of storytelling.

01:35:51.000 Now, what do you do in terms of now that your special's out and then you're going to tour again?

01:35:56.000 How much new material?

01:35:58.000 I have about 40 minutes of new material.

01:36:00.000 Oh, that's awesome.

01:36:01.000 I'm still working.

01:36:02.000 When does your tour start?

01:36:04.000 Saturday.

01:36:04.000 Oh, shit.

01:36:05.000 Grand Rapids.

01:36:06.000 So are you going to throw some of the old bits in there?

01:36:08.000 Mix it up?

01:36:09.000 I'll do a few classics.

01:36:10.000 Yeah, you got it.

01:36:11.000 Some people like that shit.

01:36:12.000 Nate Briazzi was like, you should do your new stuff, do as far as you can, and then throw in some classics, because people enjoy that.

01:36:21.000 They want new stuff, but then they like certain bits, and why not?

01:36:26.000 Yeah, well, fans.

01:36:28.000 There's some people that...

01:36:29.000 Gaffigan has to do his fucking Hot Pockets bit, or people blow a gasket.

01:36:34.000 There's certain people that...

01:36:35.000 Sebastian does a lot of his classic bits when he does The Road.

01:36:39.000 He does a lot of that.

01:36:40.000 Yeah, so it's, you know, the challenge, as you know, is like, oh crap, now I gotta, like, what's my story that I want to tell next?

01:36:47.000 What I want to say?

01:36:49.000 So that's what I'm working on now.

01:36:53.000 Well, that's, I mean, that's the beautiful thing about being a writer, right?

01:36:56.000 Do you smoke weed?

01:36:57.000 Here and there.

01:36:59.000 It's not like a regular occurrence.

01:37:01.000 Maybe you should make it regular.

01:37:04.000 I will say that I did this weed dinner with Chelsea where we ate like a five course meal that was all cooked with weed.

01:37:11.000 Oh great.

01:37:12.000 And I, because I love food, ate every course and like cleaned the plate.

01:37:17.000 I was like high as a kite.

01:37:19.000 But I have never been funnier.

01:37:22.000 And I'm like, why don't I do this more often?

01:37:24.000 Did they give you transportation?

01:37:25.000 Yeah, they did.

01:37:26.000 Good move.

01:37:27.000 Oh, I couldn't have.

01:37:27.000 I could barely walk by the end of the night.

01:37:29.000 Some people go into a fucking K-hole if you give them that much weed.

01:37:32.000 Oh, it was a lot.

01:37:32.000 I think I had like four joints.

01:37:34.000 Wow.

01:37:35.000 It was a lot.

01:37:36.000 Like, I was high until noon the next day.

01:37:38.000 But people to this day are like, that wee dinner was the funniest thing I've ever seen.

01:37:44.000 Well, if everybody's high like that, yeah.

01:37:46.000 As long as you're in a good place.

01:37:47.000 Yeah, I was in a good place.

01:37:49.000 And then at the very end of the night, it was all fog.

01:37:53.000 I Nothing.

01:37:56.000 I remember sort of getting into the car.

01:37:59.000 I don't remember any of the drive.

01:38:02.000 And then opening the door to my house and then blank again.

01:38:05.000 It was too much.

01:38:06.000 You made it home.

01:38:08.000 I do remember thinking in my head, like, don't text anyone.

01:38:14.000 Don't, because you don't know, or don't tweet.

01:38:16.000 You don't know what you're going to say right now.

01:38:18.000 So I just made myself pass out.

01:38:21.000 Oh, that's good.

01:38:21.000 That's perfect.

01:38:22.000 You slid right into home plate.

01:38:23.000 Yeah, I made it.

01:38:24.000 You made it perfect.

01:38:25.000 I nailed the landing.

01:38:26.000 There's not too much.

01:38:27.000 That's the exact right amount.

01:38:29.000 You actually came in perfect.

01:38:32.000 But I think...

01:38:34.000 Yeah, because it did sort of open something in my head that let the silliness just run.

01:38:42.000 That's what I'm saying.

01:38:43.000 So I should do a little bit, you know, before I write.

01:38:47.000 Start right now.

01:38:48.000 Want some right now?

01:38:49.000 Sure.

01:38:52.000 Hey, kids.

01:38:54.000 Don't try this at home.

01:38:57.000 I'm going to have to go home and write.

01:39:00.000 The new tour is starting.

01:39:03.000 Yeah, I learned how to...

01:39:04.000 I don't even know.

01:39:05.000 I will tell you this.

01:39:06.000 Because you were talking about Elon.

01:39:08.000 You're not even sure if he inhaled.

01:39:09.000 Because I normally just do a little edibles.

01:39:12.000 I don't even know if I know how to smoke it right.

01:39:15.000 I'm like the lamest person.

01:39:21.000 Oh, hush.

01:39:23.000 No, you're not.

01:39:23.000 Just take a little bit of that.

01:39:24.000 That's a blunt.

01:39:26.000 Tobacco on the outside, weed on the inside.

01:39:28.000 Shout out to Speedweed.

01:39:29.000 I don't even know if I know how to inhale right.

01:39:31.000 Let me figure it out.

01:39:32.000 I'm like Bill Clinton.

01:39:33.000 Well, this isn't like Bill Clinton.

01:39:37.000 This isn't rocket science.

01:39:39.000 I think...

01:39:40.000 You good?

01:39:41.000 Blow it out?

01:39:41.000 Did you blow it out?

01:39:42.000 Yeah.

01:39:43.000 Let me see.

01:39:44.000 There's nothing in there.

01:39:45.000 Did it go in?

01:39:48.000 Seems like it did.

01:39:49.000 I think it went in.

01:39:49.000 Let's hold on to that.

01:39:51.000 You're like, don't do anymore.

01:39:53.000 Let's see how that works.

01:39:55.000 I like gulped that.

01:39:56.000 I was talking to Chappelle Lacey.

01:39:58.000 You know Chappelle?

01:39:59.000 Yeah.

01:40:00.000 The dude who's like an unbelievable athlete.

01:40:04.000 He was a cheerleading champion.

01:40:06.000 Oh really?

01:40:07.000 Like level six world champion and cheerleader and he's built like a tank.

01:40:12.000 I don't know him.

01:40:13.000 He's really funny, but he's funny.

01:40:16.000 He's never smoked weed.

01:40:18.000 He's like, I think maybe I want to try it.

01:40:20.000 I was like, listen, if you try it, try it with a friend and try a tiny bit.

01:40:24.000 Try it with a friend who smokes weed.

01:40:26.000 I just want you to go like this.

01:40:28.000 A little puff.

01:40:30.000 That's it.

01:40:30.000 Hold on to it.

01:40:30.000 That's it.

01:40:31.000 Don't go crazy.

01:40:32.000 Because I don't want you to have a bad experience.

01:40:34.000 You're supposed to hold it in your mouth?

01:40:35.000 I mean, inhale it.

01:40:36.000 It goes all the way in your lungs.

01:40:37.000 I'm pretty sure it's in my lungs.

01:40:39.000 I think so.

01:40:40.000 Do you feel any different?

01:40:41.000 Do you feel any different?

01:40:42.000 Not yet.

01:40:43.000 I do.

01:40:43.000 You do?

01:40:44.000 Immediately?

01:40:45.000 Immediately, yeah.

01:40:46.000 It felt like, woo, elevated.

01:40:49.000 Nothing?

01:40:50.000 No, but it definitely went down my throat.

01:40:54.000 But did it go all the way in like this?

01:40:56.000 And then all the way out?

01:40:58.000 I don't know.

01:40:59.000 I don't think it did.

01:41:02.000 You don't need it.

01:41:03.000 You don't need it.

01:41:04.000 You're good.

01:41:04.000 I'm high on life.

01:41:05.000 I don't want you to freak out.

01:41:08.000 Some people freak out.

01:41:09.000 I won't freak out.

01:41:10.000 We've had people freak out.

01:41:11.000 Who's the biggest freak out we've ever had in here?

01:41:13.000 Hi.

01:41:14.000 We've had a few.

01:41:16.000 Like where they just start acting way different?

01:41:19.000 Sturgill Simpson told me.

01:41:21.000 I love Sturgill Simpson.

01:41:25.000 Yeah, he lives outside of Nashville.

01:41:26.000 That weed they have is, I don't know, it's that good.

01:41:29.000 The weed he was getting.

01:41:30.000 The stuff out here is like beyond, beyond, right?

01:41:34.000 Yeah, so we got barbecued before the podcast because I know he loves weed.

01:41:39.000 Yeah.

01:41:39.000 And he goes, dude, that podcast started.

01:41:41.000 I didn't know where the fuck I was.

01:41:42.000 I didn't know what you were saying.

01:41:43.000 You probably didn't remember anything.

01:41:45.000 I was sitting there like locked in.

01:41:47.000 And then all of a sudden, it's live too.

01:41:49.000 That was the other thing.

01:41:50.000 Back then we did it live.

01:41:51.000 Yeah.

01:41:51.000 Which freaked a lot of people out.

01:41:53.000 Just the live aspect of it.

01:41:54.000 Yeah, because they weren't sure what they would say.

01:41:56.000 There was like a tension to it.

01:41:57.000 There was a tension to the fact that all these eyeballs were on you right now, currently.

01:42:01.000 Right.

01:42:01.000 For some strange reason.

01:42:03.000 Could you tell that he was like...

01:42:05.000 No, I was high as fuck too.

01:42:06.000 I don't know.

01:42:08.000 I mean, I'm not immune to it.

01:42:10.000 The only person that ever gets me scared is Joey.

01:42:16.000 Oh, because he just...

01:42:17.000 He goes so deep.

01:42:18.000 Yeah.

01:42:19.000 He goes so deep it doesn't even make sense.

01:42:21.000 He'll throw down four stars of death.

01:42:25.000 Those are 250 milligrams.

01:42:26.000 And he does it in front of you and he's laughing.

01:42:28.000 Ha ha!

01:42:29.000 That's crazy.

01:42:30.000 I'm here to see the devil, Joe Rogan.

01:42:32.000 He's always trying to see the devil.

01:42:34.000 He gave me some pills to give to my lady.

01:42:38.000 Oh my god, the pills are dangerous.

01:42:39.000 But I was like...

01:42:40.000 Don't give her the pills.

01:42:40.000 I said, I don't know if you should take these.

01:42:43.000 No, he gave one to Tom Segura.

01:42:46.000 Tom Segura has a bit about it.

01:42:47.000 Oh, yeah?

01:42:48.000 Yeah, I don't want to give away the bit.

01:42:49.000 Yeah.

01:42:50.000 Oh, it's in the new special?

01:42:52.000 No, no, no.

01:42:52.000 It's a new one that he's working on.

01:42:53.000 Yeah, gotcha, gotcha.

01:42:54.000 This is a recent occurrence.

01:42:56.000 Yeah.

01:42:56.000 That Joey dosed him.

01:42:58.000 I did Joey's podcast a while ago.

01:43:00.000 He tried to get you?

01:43:01.000 He tried to get me.

01:43:02.000 I was like, I don't know about this.

01:43:04.000 Oh, he's fucked some people's lives up.

01:43:06.000 For real?

01:43:06.000 Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:43:07.000 Legitimately.

01:43:08.000 Because they go so...

01:43:09.000 Look, this is something...

01:43:11.000 I had a guy on the podcast...

01:43:14.000 Alex Berenstain?

01:43:17.000 Berenstain.

01:43:18.000 He wrote a book and I had him on with a doctor who was a cannabis enthusiast.

01:43:22.000 This guy, Dr. Mike Hart from Canada.

01:43:25.000 And one of the things that they talked about is How marijuana, to some people, can potentially induce schizophrenia.

01:43:35.000 Oh, that's for real?

01:43:38.000 For real.

01:43:38.000 Yeah, I think it's for real.

01:43:41.000 So you think that happened to some of the people, Joey?

01:43:46.000 You'd have to ask Joey.

01:43:47.000 Oh, okay.

01:43:49.000 I'll tell you off air.

01:43:50.000 Okay.

01:43:50.000 For sure I think it can do that.

01:43:52.000 And for sure I think I know people that have done that and have lost their fucking minds.

01:43:56.000 Dang.

01:43:57.000 Because it's an alteration of reality.

01:44:00.000 But is it that star death stuff you're talking about?

01:44:02.000 Yes.

01:44:03.000 Those and the chibichus that are even more strong.

01:44:06.000 Chibichus that are 500 milligrams.

01:44:10.000 Savages.

01:44:10.000 I don't think it's legal anymore.

01:44:12.000 I think once they went full legal, is that the case, Jamie?

01:44:15.000 It's like 10 milligrams each now?

01:44:16.000 I think it's like 100 milligram per thing.

01:44:20.000 So if you get gummy bears, you'll have 10 that are 10 milligrams, and that's 100. So you'd have to take two and a half bottles to equal one of the old ones.

01:44:34.000 First of all, I had a whole bit about this.

01:44:37.000 They're not making these things in a lab right next door to a place where they're making microchips.

01:44:42.000 There's some dude.

01:44:43.000 Some dude is cooking this shit up in some bullshit commercial kitchen that he got his friends to chip in money for.

01:44:51.000 Who knows who's making these things?

01:44:53.000 I'm sure a lot of them are being made by giant businesses now.

01:44:56.000 It's a legit thing now.

01:44:57.000 Yeah.

01:44:58.000 But back in the day, especially, like right now I can't really speak of it.

01:45:02.000 I'm ignorant.

01:45:02.000 I'm just joking around.

01:45:03.000 But back in the day when you would first get edibles, you had no idea.

01:45:07.000 Yeah.

01:45:08.000 I'm sure there's some testing methods.

01:45:10.000 I'm just fucking around.

01:45:11.000 If you're a grower, you're like, bro, let me educate you.

01:45:13.000 I'm sure.

01:45:14.000 But back in the day.

01:45:15.000 The only ones that ever worked on me, I would just fall asleep.

01:45:19.000 I found out it was like a grandma making them in her house because she liked them.

01:45:23.000 And then she would sell her leftovers to this one particular dispensary.

01:45:26.000 But then they went away.

01:45:28.000 I could never get them again.

01:45:29.000 I would trust the grandma.

01:45:31.000 It's the edibles.

01:45:32.000 But the Star of Death one, it's $2.50?

01:45:35.000 Is that what you said?

01:45:35.000 Yes, that's an insane amount.

01:45:37.000 A thousand?

01:45:38.000 No.

01:45:39.000 Joey takes four of them.

01:45:41.000 Oh, easy.

01:45:42.000 Easy.

01:45:43.000 He can do a thousand.

01:45:44.000 Dang.

01:45:44.000 He can do two thousand.

01:45:46.000 That's crazy.

01:45:47.000 Joey can just eat it.

01:45:49.000 It freaks him out and then he throws two more down.

01:45:52.000 I'm not kidding.

01:45:53.000 Does he do it on a regular basis?

01:45:55.000 Yes, we landed somewhere.

01:45:57.000 He's like, I almost had a fucking panic attack.

01:45:59.000 I was like, oh my god, I was so high.

01:46:01.000 He goes, I'm taking two more, fuck it.

01:46:02.000 He throws two more down and goes out.

01:46:05.000 He was so pumped about those pills that he gave me.

01:46:08.000 I was like, you're just wasting it on me.

01:46:10.000 I don't know.

01:46:10.000 I can't do this.

01:46:11.000 He's my favorite person.

01:46:13.000 I just don't know anybody like him.

01:46:15.000 I love Josh Wolf's old stories about them coming up together in Seattle, I think.

01:46:23.000 He's just a genuine human.

01:46:25.000 So funny.

01:46:26.000 I like him a lot.

01:46:29.000 The thing is this Berenson guy, Alex Berenson, who wrote this book, had a really good point.

01:46:35.000 Is that we think it's fine because it's fine for you.

01:46:40.000 But that doesn't seem to be the case for everybody.

01:46:42.000 Everybody has a different point they can go to.

01:46:45.000 I think people have different brain chemistry, right?

01:46:47.000 Right.

01:46:48.000 I think that's one of the reasons why some people have...

01:46:51.000 Depression run in their family, and we could all say, oh, hey, you just gotta suck it up.

01:46:56.000 Yeah.

01:46:56.000 I don't know if that's true.

01:46:57.000 Because we're built in a way where we can suck it up.

01:47:00.000 That's true, but also it's like, I don't know how your brain is working.

01:47:03.000 Right.

01:47:04.000 It's just guesswork, right?

01:47:05.000 There's no thing, like, I could take your temperature, right?

01:47:08.000 And if your temperature is like 96, whatever the fuck it is, it's hot.

01:47:11.000 What's hot?

01:47:13.000 What is it normally?

01:47:14.000 98.5 is normal, right?

01:47:16.000 Yeah, so 99.5 and 100 is higher.

01:47:19.000 We start getting pretty warm.

01:47:21.000 That's weird.

01:47:22.000 How come the float tank, they want it to be 94?

01:47:25.000 94 is like the sweet spot.

01:47:27.000 They say that's the surface of your skin?

01:47:29.000 Yeah, as I say, your internal temperature is 98.6, but when you get to the outside, it's not probably the exact same.

01:47:35.000 I don't know.

01:47:35.000 I'm not a doctor.

01:47:38.000 Yeah, I'm not a doctor either.

01:47:39.000 But my point is you can measure that.

01:47:41.000 Right.

01:47:42.000 But you can't measure how a person feels.

01:47:44.000 No.

01:47:45.000 You know what I mean?

01:47:45.000 It's like, so we could assume, oh, they just got to get their shit together.

01:47:48.000 But it could be a thing like a thyroid issue.

01:47:50.000 Right.

01:47:50.000 Or it could be a thing like a, like some people are born with bad vision, right?

01:47:54.000 Why wouldn't we assume that that would be the case with mood too?

01:47:57.000 Yeah.

01:47:58.000 Right?

01:47:58.000 With mood.

01:47:59.000 It's gotta be.

01:47:59.000 Some people are born having less happiness.

01:48:02.000 There's less of a feeling of joy, maybe an overwhelming sense of gloom just genetically.

01:48:07.000 We all know people who've just always been kind of down.

01:48:12.000 Right.

01:48:13.000 Now if you give certain people like that some medication, it can help them.

01:48:17.000 It's a leveling thing, right?

01:48:19.000 It levels certain things out.

01:48:21.000 I mean, it's not an exact science, right?

01:48:24.000 They're always trying to find things that work for you.

01:48:26.000 But they can help you.

01:48:28.000 Like, if people are in a situation where—I know people that have been, like, really suicidal, and they got on some stuff, and it helped them a lot, and then they slowly weaned themselves off of it after they had improved their lives, and they found they didn't need it anymore.

01:48:41.000 Yeah, because it dulls other things.

01:48:43.000 Some of that stuff, you know?

01:48:45.000 Yes.

01:48:45.000 It's tricky.

01:48:46.000 You're messing with brain chemistry.

01:48:49.000 Hopefully it works.

01:48:50.000 Right.

01:48:51.000 But the goal is to get you feeling better than you feel.

01:48:54.000 Right?

01:48:55.000 Yeah.

01:48:55.000 But I feel like since some people need that and some people don't, it just makes sense that some people would interact with...

01:49:02.000 Everything differently than you would.

01:49:03.000 Right.

01:49:04.000 Whether it's alcohol or drugs or cocaine or amphetamines.

01:49:08.000 There's some people that get a taste of amphetamines and they can't get enough.

01:49:10.000 Yeah.

01:49:11.000 And then other people don't want to have nothing to do with that shit.

01:49:13.000 They're like, get that crazy fucking sauce away from me.

01:49:16.000 I don't want to be running around like a maniac.

01:49:18.000 I barely take like an Advil.

01:49:20.000 That stuff.

01:49:21.000 Yeah.

01:49:21.000 But I wonder what it is about weed that can open some other portal to, like you said, the schizophrenia thing for some people.

01:49:31.000 Again, obviously I'm an idiot and I don't know anything about what I'm talking about, but I would imagine that what's going on is that some people have a tendency to lean towards mental illness anyway.

01:49:42.000 Maybe they're struggling a bit and then something comes along like a Big dose of edibles and it just knocks their already shaky cart off the trail.

01:49:52.000 They just can't do it.

01:49:54.000 It's just too much.

01:49:55.000 It's a blowout event that their brain wasn't ready for.

01:49:58.000 Oh man.

01:49:59.000 That's what I think.

01:50:00.000 And I think there's a bunch of mitigating factors, right?

01:50:03.000 I would like to know when do these people experience these bouts of schizophrenia?

01:50:08.000 Is it directly related to stress?

01:50:11.000 Is it just something that genetically they're predisposed to?

01:50:15.000 Who knows?

01:50:16.000 But he was saying that it's possible, and we don't know what the numbers are, but some people might have real mental health episodes because of a high dose of weed.

01:50:27.000 Oh, interesting.

01:50:30.000 Here's the real problem.

01:50:32.000 The problem is, because it's been illegal for so long, they haven't funded adequate testing, right?

01:50:39.000 And it wasn't even legal to test on, I mean, for a long time, right?

01:50:44.000 It's like the federal government has to approve whether or not you can test on shit that's Schedule 1. Like, if you wanted to do some studies, and you wanted to do some studies on cocaine, and what it's like when people use cocaine, what's the effect of cocaine?

01:50:59.000 Right.

01:50:59.000 They're like, it's illegal.

01:51:00.000 Why would we want to get to the bottom of what it does to you?

01:51:02.000 The government would be like, what?

01:51:04.000 Cocaine might not be Schedule 1, right?

01:51:05.000 You might be right, because it's getting medical.

01:51:07.000 Right.

01:51:08.000 So Schedule 1 is all the good stuff.

01:51:11.000 It's mushrooms.

01:51:12.000 Schedule 1 is mushrooms.

01:51:14.000 All the stuff that can get you to see God is Schedule 1. Hallucinogenic stuff.

01:51:17.000 Yeah.

01:51:18.000 That's right.

01:51:19.000 Is heroin Schedule 1?

01:51:21.000 It is.

01:51:21.000 That's interesting.

01:51:23.000 What about morphine?

01:51:25.000 Because morphine, don't they still use that shit in the hospital?

01:51:27.000 Yeah.

01:51:29.000 Yes.

01:51:30.000 That button is rude.

01:51:32.000 The fact they give you the ability to just juice yourself up.

01:51:34.000 That's so crazy.

01:51:36.000 You can just hammer that thing.

01:51:38.000 Because why would you stop?

01:51:39.000 Why would you stop?

01:51:40.000 Especially if you could feel sorry for yourself if you're in surgery.

01:51:43.000 Oh, yeah.

01:51:44.000 Well, nobody wants to sit there in pain.

01:51:46.000 No, fuck that.

01:51:47.000 Especially when you're just sitting there anyway.

01:51:48.000 Let's go for a ride.

01:51:50.000 Bing, bing, bing, bing, bing.

01:51:51.000 Let's put five quarters into this ride.

01:51:56.000 It's like, I can do that and go, okay, I don't want to do that ever again.

01:52:00.000 But some people can't.

01:52:01.000 And I don't think we should think of that as anything other than a chemical thing.

01:52:06.000 Seems like there's going to be behavioral things with people, right?

01:52:09.000 There's some people that are addicted to gambling, right?

01:52:10.000 It's not a chemical thing, but it still kind of is.

01:52:13.000 It's a rush.

01:52:14.000 Yeah, I think all that behavioral shit, it all ties in together.

01:52:18.000 It's really interesting.

01:52:19.000 Like a dopamine spurt.

01:52:23.000 Well, it's really interesting to think how other people's brains work.

01:52:26.000 Like we were talking about Elon Musk.

01:52:29.000 He's too smart.

01:52:30.000 He's too smart.

01:52:31.000 I can't imagine what it would be like looking through that guy's brain.

01:52:36.000 You know, his brain works different than mine.

01:52:38.000 Oh, for sure.

01:52:39.000 Right?

01:52:39.000 There's different brains out there.

01:52:41.000 And some of them create wild art, right?

01:52:43.000 Well, there's also the middle part.

01:52:45.000 The pistons have to shoot, you know...

01:52:47.000 You have pistons?

01:52:48.000 You know what I mean.

01:52:50.000 They have to connect.

01:52:52.000 In the left brain and the right, there's the whole left brain, right brain thing, you know?

01:52:58.000 I've never looked into that.

01:52:59.000 Where sometimes the wires are crossed.

01:53:01.000 Yeah.

01:53:01.000 So that's why some people are better at math.

01:53:04.000 Some people are better at writing.

01:53:05.000 You know, there's a different part of your brains affect those.

01:53:10.000 That's interesting.

01:53:11.000 I wonder if there's going to be a way to target those.

01:53:12.000 I bet there's going to be a way where they put something on your head, because the things they do for PTSD patients, they do this thing where they energize with magnets, some crazy magnetic thing in it.

01:53:28.000 It concentrates on a certain area of your brain where they feel you've been damaged.

01:53:33.000 Oh, yeah.

01:53:34.000 And fighters and some people with injuries, CTE injuries from the war, they've gone to this.

01:53:43.000 It's near where the bases are down in San Diego.

01:53:46.000 Pretty close.

01:53:46.000 I think maybe within an hour of San Diego.

01:53:50.000 And they...

01:53:51.000 They use magnets to stimulate your brain.

01:53:54.000 I'm obviously butchering it, but somehow or another they're helping your brain heal itself.

01:54:00.000 When I hear something like that, I'm like, okay, what if you just juiced up the right side?

01:54:05.000 Right.

01:54:05.000 What if you just juice it every day?

01:54:07.000 Like, nothing's wrong with it.

01:54:08.000 Like, I suck at writing.

01:54:09.000 Yeah, nothing's wrong with it, but I just want you to juice the fuck out of it.

01:54:11.000 I'd like to be able to pass my math test today.

01:54:14.000 Imagine if they came up with a technology, if they came up with a technology that allows you to help your brain heal.

01:54:19.000 And I know this is stupid, and I know I'm not a biologist.

01:54:22.000 But if they came up with that and they can help use these super magnets or whatever it is, from the outside you're wearing like a helmet or something and it juices up your brain and helps your brain heal itself, why couldn't they make you smarter?

01:54:33.000 I don't know why it stops.

01:54:35.000 Could you fucking imagine if they just started using, like really rich people just started wearing those helmets all day and just juicing their brain up all day and their brain just keep getting bigger and their heads start growing?

01:54:45.000 Oh my god.

01:54:46.000 What if that is the future hot look, right?

01:54:49.000 Future hot look.

01:54:50.000 The hot look used to be the bigger the person, like if a king wasn't fat, he wasn't attractive.

01:54:56.000 Kings wanted to look fat because that would mean you had all this wealth and all this prosperity.

01:55:02.000 And then people got skinny like, oh, this means you're fit.

01:55:06.000 This is the ideal.

01:55:07.000 Maybe one day the ideal is going to be a big old head.

01:55:09.000 Big fat head.

01:55:10.000 Big old fucking alien head.

01:55:11.000 You're so smart.

01:55:12.000 You're just juicing your brain up.

01:55:14.000 I don't even know you could...

01:55:15.000 I don't know much about even repairing your brain.

01:55:17.000 You always heard that once you mess it up, it's messed up.

01:55:21.000 Yeah, I think they're learning...

01:55:23.000 I mean, there's for sure therapies that they're doing, but I think they're learning a bunch of different methods of how to help people heal from certain brain injuries.

01:55:32.000 Yeah.

01:55:32.000 And this was part of that.

01:55:34.000 It's...

01:55:35.000 I mean, it's really...

01:55:38.000 The brain is such a weird one, right?

01:55:40.000 That's how you interface with the whole world.

01:55:42.000 Their whole body is like, you know, it affects everything.

01:55:46.000 It affects how you see things and think about things.

01:55:49.000 It's where you control all of your emotions.

01:55:51.000 It's how you stand up.

01:55:53.000 Yeah.

01:55:54.000 Yeah.

01:55:54.000 I mean, that's who you are.

01:55:56.000 The brain is a strange thing to fuck with.

01:55:59.000 Yeah.

01:55:59.000 You know, you're like, you're juicing the pump station.

01:56:02.000 That's why I'm like, if you ride a motorcycle, put a helmet on.

01:56:07.000 Yes.

01:56:07.000 You know?

01:56:09.000 Please do.

01:56:09.000 Have you ever seen the videos when they're doing brain operations and they like, I think they make the people like play a guitar.

01:56:15.000 Oh yeah.

01:56:16.000 Yeah, there's a video of a girl playing the violin during surgery.

01:56:21.000 It's fucking amazing.

01:56:22.000 I think you lose the ability, or they're afraid, maybe they're afraid they might lose that ability if they're not continuing to do it while that's going on.

01:56:28.000 Jesus Christ, that's nuts.

01:56:30.000 The best is when people wake up from brain surgery and they have this whole other skill.

01:56:35.000 There's stories of people suddenly being fluent in Spanish.

01:56:38.000 You're like, what?

01:56:39.000 Yeah, I've heard that.

01:56:39.000 Or they can play instruments.

01:56:41.000 I've heard that.

01:56:42.000 I mean, I don't know anybody like that, but I hear stories.

01:56:45.000 You know what's funny?

01:56:46.000 That is a really fascinating idea that someone could get a brain injury and come back with some new special skill or a language.

01:56:56.000 You would think I would have looked into that.

01:56:57.000 You would think I would have read about that.

01:57:00.000 I haven't looked into that shit once.

01:57:02.000 Well, I was reading an article about Mary Stenbergen.

01:57:07.000 She's married to Ted Denton.

01:57:08.000 I don't know how to say her last name.

01:57:10.000 She had some sort of injuries.

01:57:14.000 She had surgery.

01:57:15.000 I don't know if it was brain or not.

01:57:16.000 It might have been brain something.

01:57:18.000 She came back and had suddenly the ability to write music.

01:57:21.000 And she wrote songs for a soundtrack of a movie that just came out.

01:57:27.000 And she never had that...

01:57:29.000 Oh, Stenburgen.

01:57:31.000 Her brain became...

01:57:32.000 Yeah, it became musical.

01:57:34.000 Stenburgen's brain became musical after a strange complication from a routine surgery.

01:57:38.000 Wow.

01:57:38.000 All my thoughts became musical.

01:57:41.000 Oh, my God.

01:57:42.000 Yeah.

01:57:42.000 Who discovered a new passion for songwriting?

01:57:45.000 Holy shit.

01:57:46.000 Yeah, that stuff's trippy.

01:57:47.000 That's weird.

01:57:48.000 That's what I was saying earlier.

01:57:49.000 It's like everybody's brain is just different.

01:57:52.000 Mm-hmm.

01:57:55.000 We all want to hold people the way they think to a certain standard.

01:58:00.000 Everybody wants everybody else to think the way they do.

01:58:04.000 They want to enforce their ideas and thoughts.

01:58:06.000 We just have to come up with a better way of A better way of expressing that no one has any idea how you see the world.

01:58:18.000 The way we talk to each other, we assume that your version of the world is exactly the same as my version of the world.

01:58:23.000 That we're coming from the same place.

01:58:24.000 Yeah.

01:58:25.000 Mm-hmm.

01:58:26.000 Yeah, but not only are you coming from a different environment, but your brain...

01:58:30.000 Your brain's different.

01:58:31.000 Yeah.

01:58:32.000 Yeah.

01:58:33.000 For sure.

01:58:34.000 Like, the way some people see the world.

01:58:37.000 They just see it different than you.

01:58:39.000 They're looking through a different window.

01:58:41.000 Yeah.

01:58:42.000 And you can tell when you're talking to those people.

01:58:46.000 We've got to be a little bit more...

01:58:49.000 I think we have to be a little bit more understanding of some people like that.

01:58:54.000 That's where all the weirdos, that's where the crazy ones come from.

01:58:57.000 That's why they say that, oh, that person's wired differently.

01:59:00.000 You don't think Quentin Tarantino's wired differently?

01:59:02.000 Yeah, right.

01:59:03.000 You know what I'm saying?

01:59:04.000 Yeah.

01:59:04.000 I mean, how are you going to make a movie like Once Upon a Time in Hollywood unless you're wired differently?

01:59:09.000 Right.

01:59:10.000 That you can see this alternative ending to this horrific story.

01:59:14.000 Want to go on a ride through that dude's brain?

01:59:16.000 Yeah, man.

01:59:18.000 You know?

01:59:19.000 Who knows what's going on there?

01:59:20.000 That guy creates some fucking wild, dark images.

01:59:24.000 Oh, I know.

01:59:24.000 But you know, that guy, his brain is different.

01:59:27.000 It's fucking different.

01:59:29.000 Yeah.

01:59:30.000 That's why a lot of this, you-can-do-it stuff that you hear, like inspirational shit that you hear.

01:59:35.000 Like, you can do anything.

01:59:37.000 Just set your mind to it.

01:59:37.000 But not always.

01:59:38.000 Not everybody.

01:59:40.000 No.

01:59:40.000 Not really.

01:59:41.000 Just like, you know...

01:59:43.000 Well, you want to think positive.

01:59:45.000 That's always, like, if you can, think on the positive side.

01:59:47.000 But not everybody can physically do everything.

01:59:51.000 You should definitely think positive in terms of energy, in terms of the way you view people and accept the moments.

01:59:57.000 But you shouldn't think positive in terms of you can do something that's not physically possible.

02:00:01.000 Yeah, you shouldn't jump on a moving vehicle.

02:00:04.000 You shouldn't, like, if I decided at 52 I want to play football in the NFL. Right.

02:00:10.000 That's not physically possible.

02:00:12.000 It's literally not physically possible.

02:00:14.000 You might be wired different after that.

02:00:16.000 Well, I'd be wired different for sure.

02:00:17.000 I'd be wired up.

02:00:19.000 My career would last 10 seconds if I was lucky, and that would be it.

02:00:23.000 That is just physical reality.

02:00:26.000 It doesn't matter how much positive thinking I do.

02:00:29.000 Right.

02:00:29.000 Yeah, it's not going to change facts.

02:00:31.000 There's no changing.

02:00:31.000 I'm not winning any sprinting contests.

02:00:33.000 I can't dunk.

02:00:34.000 There's nothing special happening here.

02:00:36.000 You know, like that is...

02:00:38.000 That's physical reality.

02:00:40.000 It doesn't matter how much positive thinking I ever have.

02:00:43.000 Oh, for sure.

02:00:43.000 That's where people get weird.

02:00:45.000 Well, that's like when people who don't believe in science, you know, someone gets sick, they go, we'll pray.

02:00:51.000 We'll pray that it will take it away.

02:00:53.000 You go, okay, well, you, listen, I'm not knocking praying.

02:00:57.000 Pray all day.

02:00:58.000 But at some point, this person needs medicine.

02:01:01.000 Yeah.

02:01:01.000 God invented people.

02:01:02.000 People figured out medicine.

02:01:03.000 God made medicine.

02:01:04.000 Just take the medicine, stupid.

02:01:05.000 Just take the medicine.

02:01:06.000 Jesus Christ.

02:01:07.000 Just people that are studying their entire lives to try to figure out how to fix you.

02:01:12.000 They're not always right, but they're right way more than you are.

02:01:14.000 Or naturopaths.

02:01:17.000 Sometimes you just need medicine.

02:01:18.000 I'm sure there's real naturopaths out there.

02:01:19.000 I'm sure there are.

02:01:20.000 But just the term makes me go, what are you doing?

02:01:24.000 Did you go to real school for that?

02:01:27.000 Naturopath, I'm sure, is a real thing.

02:01:29.000 But for sure, also, there's a lot of people that are kind of faking that thing.

02:01:35.000 Telling you how to heal yourself and telling you what herbs to take.

02:01:38.000 Like, hey, where's the evidence?

02:01:40.000 Where's the evidence these herbs are doing jack shit?

02:01:43.000 They're like, just drink celery juice.

02:01:45.000 Like homeopathy?

02:01:46.000 That shit's nonsense, right?

02:01:48.000 Isn't it?

02:01:48.000 I don't know.

02:01:49.000 Has that been proved to be nonsense?

02:01:50.000 I don't know much about it.

02:01:51.000 Homeopathic medicine?

02:01:52.000 Right.

02:01:53.000 There's a certain amount of you just believing you got some medicine.

02:01:57.000 Right?

02:01:59.000 Yeah, like the placebo effect?

02:02:01.000 Yeah, for sure.

02:02:03.000 There's a certain amount of that.

02:02:04.000 I mean, if you take something that's like sugar pills, and you definitely feel like it made a big difference, your illness took a turn for the better, you just immediately start thinking that.

02:02:13.000 But we know that's not possible.

02:02:15.000 There's no good quality evidence that homeopathy is an effective treatment for these or any other health conditions.

02:02:22.000 Some practitioners also claim homeopathy can prevent malaria or other diseases.

02:02:27.000 There's no evidence to support this and no scientifically plausible way that homeopathy can prevent diseases.

02:02:34.000 The NHS UK. Yeah.

02:02:37.000 That's those English people, though.

02:02:38.000 They're probably trying to save money on their socialized medicine.

02:02:43.000 Kidding!

02:02:44.000 Yeah, I think if you believe that eating walnuts is going to make you feel like you have more energy and feel pure, and someone tells you and convinces you, you eat those walnuts, you'll start feeling different.

02:02:57.000 For sure.

02:02:58.000 You'll decide you feel different.

02:02:59.000 I don't know what percentage of people.

02:03:01.000 You're not going to get the really skeptical people.

02:03:03.000 Yeah.

02:03:04.000 The real cynical people.

02:03:05.000 But for some people, you give them some sugar pills and it'll work if they really believe it works.

02:03:10.000 We don't even know why that is.

02:03:13.000 We don't know.

02:03:14.000 They don't understand the placebo effect.

02:03:16.000 Yeah.

02:03:16.000 I mean, it's real.

02:03:17.000 It's measurable.

02:03:19.000 Mm-hmm.

02:03:19.000 And I think depending upon how much you buy into it, I bet that has a big impact on the effectiveness of it.

02:03:27.000 Oh, for sure.

02:03:27.000 Because if you buy in 100%, you do, I think, feel that change.

02:03:31.000 But if you're like, yeah, this is not going to do anything.

02:03:34.000 Yeah.

02:03:34.000 It's not going to be the same thing.

02:03:35.000 It's almost like some religions are, that's what they are.

02:03:39.000 They're a theological sugar pill.

02:03:42.000 Like some religions are just, if you believe, if you just really believe, you get rewarded.

02:03:49.000 If you really believe, and that's the pull of a cult, right?

02:03:52.000 That's how you start any wacky cult.

02:03:56.000 You gotta really believe.

02:03:57.000 Do you really believe?

02:03:58.000 I believe too.

02:03:58.000 We all believe together.

02:04:00.000 Oh my God, we're so connected.

02:04:01.000 We all believe together.

02:04:02.000 And they're saying they've got the answer.

02:04:03.000 Oh, you got the answer?

02:04:05.000 Yeah.

02:04:05.000 And that's also how you get people to, you know, the churches that do the tithing.

02:04:10.000 Yes, it's beautiful.

02:04:11.000 Ten percent, bitch.

02:04:14.000 That's a good amount of money, isn't it?

02:04:15.000 Man, that's a big chunk of change.

02:04:17.000 That's a good slice of cash.

02:04:18.000 Yeah.

02:04:19.000 That's a good slice of cash right there.

02:04:21.000 I know Mormons tithe.

02:04:25.000 Is that still a thing in other churches?

02:04:27.000 Yeah, some Christian religions definitely do it.

02:04:32.000 Yeah, tithe.

02:04:33.000 Ten percent.

02:04:34.000 Man.

02:04:35.000 That's a lot of money.

02:04:36.000 Yeah, especially if you're an entertainer and you're giving your agent 10 and your manager 10. Yeah.

02:04:45.000 I don't know if Jesus would have wanted you to give payments like that.

02:04:49.000 Yeah.

02:04:49.000 I don't think he would have.

02:04:50.000 See, as Methodists, we just passed a collection plate and, you know, if you put a dollar, how's that different than a 20?

02:04:58.000 You're just like, I gave something, wouldn't Jesus be just happy that I made the effort?

02:05:02.000 Yeah.

02:05:03.000 Yeah, it's almost like they should just charge a membership fee.

02:05:06.000 Like, stop fucking around.

02:05:07.000 Like, do you get more prayers if you put in a 20?

02:05:11.000 That's a good question.

02:05:12.000 I don't know.

02:05:13.000 I bet you do.

02:05:13.000 I bet you get preferential treatment.

02:05:15.000 Yeah.

02:05:15.000 Is it like raffle tickets?

02:05:17.000 Is it like raffle tickets?

02:05:18.000 It's like raffle tickets!

02:05:20.000 I would like $20 worth of prayers.

02:05:24.000 Well, do you remember when preachers, these late night preachers, they came up with this really dastardly move?

02:05:29.000 And the really dastardly move was to convince poor people to send them all of their money and that God would return it tenfold or twofold or whatever it is.

02:05:41.000 And they had all these different stories of all these poor, gullible people that they were telling I mean, I don't know who was doing the stories where they would tell the success stories.

02:05:51.000 Right.

02:05:52.000 I did this, and this happened to me, and I made so much money afterwards, and now we have a house, we have a car, and they get these people convinced.

02:05:59.000 Oh, yeah.

02:05:59.000 Imagine targeting people's last remaining dollars.

02:06:05.000 There's a special place in hell.

02:06:09.000 Some of that televangelist stuff is, you know, really preyed on that, especially back in the day.

02:06:14.000 It was like, like you said, those commercials.

02:06:16.000 Look at what they have because they did this for the church, for us.

02:06:19.000 It's crazy.

02:06:20.000 Meanwhile, the preachers are flying from the jets.

02:06:23.000 There was a preacher, I think I heard it on Stern, there was a preacher that told the church flat out, I need another plane.

02:06:31.000 I need you to donate money.

02:06:33.000 You're like, what?

02:06:34.000 That's crazy.

02:06:34.000 A bunch of them have done that, yeah.

02:06:36.000 Yeah.

02:06:36.000 And there was one, it was a woman interviewed this preacher as he was getting into his limo, just getting off his plane.

02:06:44.000 She asked him, is it because you think poor people are demons?

02:06:48.000 Oh God.

02:06:50.000 He had said something crazy about he doesn't want to fly commercially with all those demons.

02:06:56.000 Oh my God.

02:06:58.000 He's like, AKA poor people.

02:07:00.000 Yeah, this is the guy.

02:07:02.000 Oh man.

02:07:04.000 And he says, don't you say that.

02:07:06.000 Don't you say I said that.

02:07:07.000 He got serious with her.

02:07:10.000 Pointed in her face.

02:07:11.000 It was very scary.

02:07:13.000 Man, that was all the rage.

02:07:15.000 Because I'm from outside of Charlotte.

02:07:17.000 It was Tammy Faye and Jim Baker.

02:07:20.000 Jim Baker just had to be shut down.

02:07:22.000 He was selling some fake coronavirus shit.

02:07:24.000 He went to prison, right?

02:07:26.000 He's out now.

02:07:27.000 He's out and about.

02:07:28.000 Making things happen.

02:07:30.000 He had a fake coronavirus thing.

02:07:33.000 That apparently he got busted for.

02:07:36.000 They told him to stop selling that.

02:07:38.000 Yeah.

02:07:39.000 Oh, man.

02:07:40.000 There it is.

02:07:40.000 Missouri Attorney General sues Jim Baker over misleading coronavirus cure claims.

02:07:45.000 Oh, that just came out.

02:07:46.000 Bro.

02:07:47.000 That's what he looks like now?

02:07:49.000 He looks great.

02:07:49.000 Oh, my gosh.

02:07:50.000 Yeah, he looks great.

02:07:52.000 It's the best he's looked in years.

02:07:53.000 Oh, he was selling it on his website.

02:07:57.000 Totally eliminate it, kills it, deactivates it.

02:08:00.000 That's what it said.

02:08:01.000 I love when guys go to prison for being shady and they're like, not stopping.

02:08:06.000 Look at that.

02:08:06.000 The product is $125 on the show's website.

02:08:12.000 So he's saying he's got a $125 cure for the coronavirus.

02:08:15.000 It does not exist.

02:08:17.000 That was like a cleaning product.

02:08:19.000 Is that cleaning product?

02:08:20.000 They're selling him Drano.

02:08:22.000 Drink Jano.

02:08:23.000 He just took the label off.

02:08:26.000 Just drink this hand sanitizer.

02:08:27.000 When you throw up, that's the demon coming out of you.

02:08:30.000 Oh my gosh.

02:08:31.000 I didn't know he was still wheeling and dealing.

02:08:34.000 Still wheeling and dealing.

02:08:35.000 Is he still preaching?

02:08:37.000 No.

02:08:39.000 I think he is.

02:08:40.000 Yeah, I think he has a TV show.

02:08:43.000 He's out there rocking it.

02:08:44.000 Oh, he does.

02:08:45.000 The Jim Baker show.

02:08:46.000 Kapow!

02:08:48.000 Shout out to the Jim Baker show.

02:08:52.000 Yeah, North Carolina.

02:08:54.000 I don't know if he's still North Carolina.

02:08:55.000 Imagine if he really did have the cure, and we were mocking him the whole time.

02:08:57.000 I know, and he's like, you assholes.

02:09:00.000 What if there was like one scientist that lives in the woods, and he brought the guy in, and the guy had the cure, and they figured it out, it worked, but no one else knew, so he can't get fucked over by the FDA, so he's just going to sell it from his website.

02:09:15.000 Yeah.

02:09:16.000 He's like, I tried to tell you.

02:09:17.000 I thought I sold it for a deal.

02:09:19.000 What if Jim Baker becomes the king of the world?

02:09:21.000 He's the only one left.

02:09:22.000 Everyone else is like, we don't have the cure.

02:09:24.000 We don't have a vaccine.

02:09:25.000 It's just him and his believers.

02:09:27.000 Yeah.

02:09:28.000 Right?

02:09:29.000 Damn.

02:09:29.000 We'll find out.

02:09:31.000 Tune in.

02:09:32.000 Tune in, folks.

02:09:33.000 Tune in next week.

02:09:35.000 But I miss Tammy Faye, rest in peace.

02:09:38.000 She was a wild one, huh?

02:09:40.000 Anybody that gets their makeup tattooed on...

02:09:43.000 Did she get her tattooed on, the whole deal?

02:09:44.000 I'm pretty sure, yeah.

02:09:47.000 That's a risky move.

02:09:48.000 All that eye makeup.

02:09:51.000 You're letting somebody drill ink into your eyelids.

02:09:54.000 Woo!

02:09:55.000 I think it's become...

02:09:57.000 More women do it than you think.

02:09:59.000 It's just that they do a lot better job now.

02:10:01.000 They have better tools and techniques.

02:10:04.000 So people get them tattooed on, but you can't tell.

02:10:07.000 I think we're one or two generations from them being able to do whatever the you want.

02:10:14.000 What do you want your face to look like?

02:10:17.000 One or two generations, like 50 years from now.

02:10:20.000 But you know, I feel like people can change their face so much already.

02:10:24.000 It takes out some of that.

02:10:26.000 When people fix certain things, they take away what was unique about them.

02:10:31.000 You know?

02:10:32.000 Jennifer Grey.

02:10:34.000 Dirty dancing.

02:10:35.000 Yeah, sometimes people fuck up.

02:10:38.000 Yeah.

02:10:39.000 And with your face, you can't really go back.

02:10:42.000 Yeah, it's hard, right?

02:10:43.000 You can't be like...

02:10:43.000 Lips are real hard.

02:10:44.000 My bad.

02:10:46.000 Yeah.

02:10:47.000 You know, some gals got convinced that they needed to get their lips thicker and so they had surgeries on them or had their lips opened up.

02:10:53.000 Yeah.

02:10:54.000 Oh.

02:10:55.000 Yeah.

02:10:56.000 That's so painful.

02:10:57.000 Yeah.

02:10:57.000 And, you know, you can get scar tissue anytime you have surgeries.

02:11:01.000 You have weird spots.

02:11:02.000 Yeah.

02:11:03.000 That's why I became a comedian.

02:11:05.000 That's why?

02:11:05.000 You didn't want to get your lips done?

02:11:07.000 Yeah.

02:11:09.000 Lips are weird too if they don't match your face.

02:11:11.000 Yeah.

02:11:12.000 Immediately you're like, what's happening here?

02:11:15.000 It's just the ratio's off.

02:11:18.000 Yeah.

02:11:19.000 But I think that people thought because they could do it with tits, why can't they do it with lips?

02:11:23.000 Let's keep this party rolling.

02:11:25.000 Let's make everything ridiculous.

02:11:28.000 Ridiculous tits where we're like, okay, we're in.

02:11:30.000 I've heard that small boobs are in.

02:11:32.000 They're back.

02:11:33.000 That's the word on the street.

02:11:35.000 I'm off the market, so I haven't been testing it.

02:11:39.000 That's probably...

02:11:40.000 People have trends, right?

02:11:42.000 Yeah.

02:11:43.000 People are getting their implants removed, too.

02:11:45.000 Well, that's good for health reasons.

02:11:47.000 Right.

02:11:48.000 You know, some people, there's a woman named Kat Zingano, and she fought in the UFC. Now she fights for Bellator.

02:11:53.000 She was one of the top bantamweight contenders.

02:11:56.000 She fought Ronda Rousey for the title.

02:11:57.000 Yeah.

02:11:58.000 She had hers removed, and she detailed it on her Instagram and talked about all the negative effects it was having on her health-wise.

02:12:07.000 And now once she got them removed, she felt infinitely better.

02:12:11.000 Well, especially the old implants, you know, that were leaking and a lot of people were getting sick from it.

02:12:18.000 Yeah.

02:12:20.000 But the problem is, apparently, it's just like everything else, like stuff we were talking about earlier.

02:12:26.000 Some people have a reaction to it and some people don't.

02:12:28.000 Exactly, right.

02:12:29.000 For some people, it's like...

02:12:32.000 For whatever reason, their body rejects it and it creates an immunological response by their immune system.

02:12:42.000 It creates inflammation.

02:12:43.000 Some people have real problems with it.

02:12:45.000 Yeah.

02:12:46.000 Well, the trend right now, small boobs, big butts.

02:12:51.000 Wow.

02:12:52.000 That's what I've heard.

02:12:53.000 Interesting.

02:12:53.000 Like a track star.

02:12:56.000 Yeah.

02:12:57.000 Yeah, pretty much.

02:12:58.000 That makes sense.

02:12:59.000 We need a streamline.

02:13:01.000 For when our society collapses, we have to go back to living in the forest.

02:13:06.000 Oh, man.

02:13:07.000 Mad Max style.

02:13:08.000 I don't want to live in the forest.

02:13:09.000 This coronavirus turns out to be just like the flu, and everybody just gets the flu.

02:13:16.000 I hope that's the case.

02:13:19.000 But we've got to be really prepared for a real one.

02:13:23.000 Right.

02:13:23.000 Really prepared for like a plague.

02:13:25.000 Yeah.

02:13:26.000 Well, because you're seeing how fast even this is spreading.

02:13:29.000 Not just that, but how underprepared we are.

02:13:31.000 Right.

02:13:32.000 Right?

02:13:33.000 I say we as if I'm out there doing science.

02:13:37.000 We need funding.

02:13:39.000 Well, you've got to have tests.

02:13:40.000 We don't have the tests.

02:13:42.000 I think we need to pay way more attention to this shit.

02:13:45.000 I think...

02:13:46.000 I don't know what...

02:13:47.000 I mean, I have no idea if they're underfunded or if it's a matter of scientific innovation, like how much time it takes to figure out a new, better way to protect from these diseases or...

02:13:58.000 He was talking about some of the existing vaccines that they, you know, that they could have possibly worked on to make a vaccine for a coronavirus.

02:14:10.000 They never bothered doing it after SARS. Right.

02:14:13.000 Apparently, which is another coronavirus type thing.

02:14:15.000 Like animal to person type thing.

02:14:17.000 Well, there's a lot.

02:14:18.000 I think apparently a lot of them are like that, including the flu.

02:14:21.000 Yeah.

02:14:21.000 A lot of them are people get it from like pigs.

02:14:24.000 That's the swine flu, birds, avian flu.

02:14:26.000 Right.

02:14:27.000 Yeah.

02:14:27.000 It jumps from the animals to us and we get sick as fuck.

02:14:33.000 Spooky shit.

02:14:34.000 It's really scary because you're already dealing with life.

02:14:37.000 Right.

02:14:38.000 And then you're like, oh...

02:14:40.000 A plague is rolling through the land.

02:14:42.000 Yeah.

02:14:42.000 You keep hearing the words pandemic.

02:14:44.000 And it's also, this is my take on it.

02:14:47.000 The way we look at it, we look at it like it makes sense.

02:14:52.000 Because we know about colds.

02:14:54.000 We know colds kill people.

02:14:55.000 We know diseases kill people.

02:14:56.000 So it seems to make sense.

02:14:58.000 But if those were demons...

02:15:00.000 And not diseases?

02:15:01.000 Yeah.

02:15:02.000 Do you know how terrifying the world would be?

02:15:04.000 If all the people that are dying of diseases were really just dying of demons?

02:15:07.000 That would be scary.

02:15:08.000 I would buy that $125 thing Jim Baker was selling.

02:15:12.000 But why is it less scary to have them die of disease than it is for them to die from demons if they're both just going to kill you?

02:15:23.000 You know what I'm saying?

02:15:25.000 If we just looked at diseases like demons, there's a fucking holy war going on out there.

02:15:30.000 There's a holy war going on out there.

02:15:32.000 The demons are trying to get us.

02:15:33.000 Instead, we're like, oh no, it's just COVID-19.

02:15:37.000 Stop.

02:15:38.000 It's a demon.

02:15:39.000 You guys are mislabeling these diseases.

02:15:42.000 They're all demons.

02:15:43.000 You're like, can I take vitamin C for that?

02:15:45.000 We should treat healthcare in this country the same way we would treat fighting demons.

02:15:52.000 Well, how do you even fight demons?

02:15:54.000 Isn't there a path to fight most of those demons?

02:15:56.000 Like, silver bullet, fucking steak through the heart.

02:15:59.000 Well, we haven't put enough money into fighting the demons.

02:16:03.000 We've accepted a certain amount of loss of the demons every year.

02:16:06.000 Imagine if that was it?

02:16:07.000 Like, we would be so angry at our leadership.

02:16:09.000 You fuck!

02:16:10.000 You're invading Afghanistan!

02:16:11.000 You haven't done shit for the demons at home!

02:16:14.000 Everyone's dying!

02:16:16.000 Demons are claiming everyone!

02:16:19.000 Like how many people die of disease in this country every year?

02:16:24.000 A lot.

02:16:25.000 A lot, right?

02:16:26.000 Like a lot of young kids and old folks die from the flu.

02:16:30.000 That happens.

02:16:31.000 Is heart disease like the worst one?

02:16:33.000 I'm sure.

02:16:34.000 Yeah, but is that a disease?

02:16:36.000 You mean like a contagious disease?

02:16:39.000 I mean like something that you catch.

02:16:40.000 Like you come down with something.

02:16:41.000 Because cancer is a disease too.

02:16:43.000 And a lot of people get cancer.

02:16:46.000 You know, if we've thought about all that shit like demons, we'd be working harder to fight it.

02:16:50.000 There's a holy war.

02:16:51.000 There's a fucking holy war out there.

02:16:53.000 But how do we fight it?

02:16:55.000 I don't know.

02:16:55.000 It's not a coronavirus.

02:16:56.000 It's a fucking demon.

02:16:58.000 Yeah.

02:16:58.000 And that's what we got to call.

02:16:59.000 Maybe it's a bitch-ass demon.

02:17:00.000 It's only going to kill people with lung problems.

02:17:03.000 Right.

02:17:03.000 You know, it's not strong.

02:17:04.000 Like a strong demon.

02:17:05.000 Like the Spanish flu.

02:17:06.000 Shape-shifting demon.

02:17:08.000 Oh, dude.

02:17:08.000 Maybe.

02:17:09.000 A cuckoo.

02:17:10.000 A shape-shifter.

02:17:11.000 Like the outside.

02:17:12.000 Are you watching that show?

02:17:13.000 No, but I've heard it's awesome.

02:17:14.000 It's very good.

02:17:15.000 I'm deep in.

02:17:16.000 Yeah.

02:17:17.000 Is there only 10 episodes?

02:17:18.000 Yeah.

02:17:19.000 It's over.

02:17:19.000 Oh, it's over.

02:17:20.000 I didn't get to the end.

02:17:21.000 These good shows do like eight or ten episodes.

02:17:24.000 You're like, ah, come on.

02:17:24.000 Well, this one can easily make a comeback.

02:17:27.000 Yeah.

02:17:28.000 Yeah, easily.

02:17:29.000 It's really good.

02:17:30.000 It's a really good show.

02:17:32.000 It's just a really well done horror show.

02:17:34.000 Really?

02:17:35.000 It's based on a Stephen King book.

02:17:37.000 Oh, that's cool.

02:17:38.000 Or did he write it?

02:17:40.000 Is it based on a novel or is it something?

02:17:42.000 I know it's his writing.

02:17:44.000 I believe so.

02:17:44.000 He does that a lot.

02:17:46.000 He gives his stories out for young directors to make projects with.

02:17:50.000 Oh, that's cool.

02:17:50.000 They nailed it.

02:17:51.000 Yeah.

02:17:52.000 Yeah, it's really cool.

02:17:53.000 Where's the plan?

02:17:54.000 HBO. It's really good.

02:17:55.000 Yeah.

02:17:56.000 But HBO does that thing where they make you fucking wait.

02:17:59.000 Oh, a long time.

02:18:00.000 They make you wait a week.

02:18:01.000 Yeah.

02:18:01.000 What's with the waiting?

02:18:02.000 It feels like forever.

02:18:03.000 Come on!

02:18:04.000 Streaming.

02:18:05.000 Catch up, bitch.

02:18:06.000 Streaming.

02:18:06.000 It's only streaming.

02:18:07.000 I know.

02:18:08.000 That's weird.

02:18:08.000 You can't go back to like 8pm.

02:18:10.000 Here, tune in.

02:18:11.000 I know.

02:18:11.000 It's impossible.

02:18:12.000 Come on.

02:18:13.000 To wait a week for these shows feels like a month.

02:18:17.000 They also have to give in to this idea of this certain window of prime time.

02:18:21.000 A certain window of prime time, which is whatever the fuck it is.

02:18:24.000 8 to 10. People want to watch whatever the fuck they want to watch.

02:18:28.000 They want to download it for their plane ride.

02:18:30.000 Netflix just jacked the whole system.

02:18:33.000 There's some gears.

02:18:37.000 Yeah.

02:18:38.000 Streaming just fucked everything over for these people that want you to tune in.

02:18:41.000 Have you seen this show?

02:18:43.000 Devs?

02:18:44.000 What is it made by your boy Alex Garland that did Ex Machina?

02:18:47.000 Oh.

02:18:47.000 Oh, I don't know this.

02:18:48.000 It seems like it...

02:18:49.000 I don't...

02:18:49.000 This is just me guessing based off of the trailer.

02:18:51.000 It just came out.

02:18:52.000 It looks like it's about the people that make the simulation sort of.

02:18:55.000 Oh, Jesus!

02:18:57.000 I'm too high for this, Jamie!

02:19:00.000 Jamie, I'm too high for this!

02:19:02.000 I'm too high!

02:19:02.000 Yeah, it looks really fun.

02:19:05.000 Nick Offerman.

02:19:07.000 He's a good actor.

02:19:10.000 Looks good.

02:19:11.000 Just came out.

02:19:11.000 Have you ever contemplated the idea of life as a simulation?

02:19:16.000 No.

02:19:16.000 Have you ever heard of simulation theory?

02:19:18.000 That's what they're talking about.

02:19:19.000 Like the Matrix type thing?

02:19:22.000 Exactly.

02:19:25.000 I don't know about that.

02:19:28.000 Fucking Elon Musk believes it.

02:19:30.000 Really?

02:19:30.000 Yes.

02:19:31.000 He said if he had one question, what did he say?

02:19:33.000 He would want to know what's behind the simulation or what's beyond the simulation.

02:19:39.000 You mean like who's controlling it?

02:19:41.000 That was like his one question he would want to have answered.

02:19:44.000 Right.

02:19:45.000 That's on the other side.

02:19:46.000 Yeah.

02:19:47.000 Like who's controlling the simulation?

02:19:49.000 What's beyond the simulation I think was his quote.

02:19:51.000 Right.

02:19:52.000 He said that it's possible.

02:19:55.000 And then if you talk to some scientists that have tried to study this, like look at it objectively, they think it's more probable that we are living in a simulation than not.

02:20:06.000 Yeah, but it would be like, yeah, the question really is, because it can't just exist, right?

02:20:12.000 Right.

02:20:14.000 Like eventually it's going to be here, right?

02:20:16.000 This is what we all agree.

02:20:18.000 Eventually there's going to come a time where if you think about what you can do now, have you ever fucked around with one of those like HTC Vives?

02:20:24.000 Oh, the...

02:20:25.000 Yeah, Oculus.

02:20:26.000 Have you done the Oculus thing?

02:20:28.000 The Oculus one is pretty sweet because it's just a headset and it plugs into a laptop or iPad rather.

02:20:35.000 So the iPad's sitting there.

02:20:37.000 Plugged in and you step away from it and you're in this fucking world.

02:20:41.000 Yeah, you're in a world.

02:20:42.000 A whole other place.

02:20:43.000 Yeah, you can play all these games.

02:20:44.000 There's boxing games.

02:20:45.000 There's games with swords and shit and you're swiping at like geometric patterns that are flying by you and you're playing drums on them.

02:20:52.000 And it's so realistic.

02:20:53.000 It's so realistic.

02:20:54.000 And this is at its infancy.

02:20:58.000 Like we know for sure.

02:21:00.000 If they keep going with that, think about what a movie used to look like in 1930. It was so ridiculous.

02:21:05.000 Watch King Kong.

02:21:07.000 Special effects are so bad.

02:21:09.000 They're so bad that it's like for kids today, it's actually funny.

02:21:13.000 I've showed it to my kids and they thought it was funny.

02:21:15.000 But back then it was amazing.

02:21:18.000 It was like beyond anything anyone had seen.

02:21:22.000 That's not even 100 years.

02:21:24.000 Right.

02:21:24.000 So what we can do now with these HTC Vibes and these Oculus and all these places like Sandbox where you go and play these games and these warehouses with virtual reality, this is just the beginning.

02:21:38.000 Oh, yeah.

02:21:39.000 100%.

02:21:39.000 This stuff is going to be indistinguishable.

02:21:42.000 Right.

02:21:42.000 There's going to come a time where they can create a digital realm that you can exist in and it's indistinguishable from this world.

02:21:50.000 Yeah.

02:21:50.000 That's going to happen.

02:21:52.000 It's going to happen.

02:21:54.000 It's just going to take time.

02:21:55.000 If we don't blow ourselves up, it might take...

02:21:57.000 That's the thing.

02:21:58.000 We got plagues and...

02:21:59.000 Yeah, if we don't get eaten by the demons.

02:22:01.000 Climate stuff.

02:22:02.000 We don't get attacked by aliens.

02:22:04.000 We have a...

02:22:04.000 If we can survive for a certain amount of time in prosperity.

02:22:08.000 When are the aliens coming to get us?

02:22:11.000 I don't think they're going to come get us.

02:22:12.000 Okay.

02:22:13.000 They're probably going to stop us from destroying the world.

02:22:16.000 I bet they would do that.

02:22:17.000 Yeah?

02:22:18.000 If they were really watching.

02:22:19.000 If I was from another planet, I wouldn't think it would be a good idea to fuck with people.

02:22:23.000 I'd be like, let's just let them sort this out.

02:22:25.000 Hopefully they'll get it right.

02:22:27.000 But I definitely would want to step in before they hit the nukes.

02:22:30.000 Right.

02:22:31.000 You know?

02:22:32.000 Like, we can't let them nuke the whole planet, these idiots.

02:22:34.000 Yeah.

02:22:35.000 My God says you guys suck.

02:22:37.000 They get fucking fingers on the nukes.

02:22:40.000 Like Pakistan and India, right?

02:22:42.000 They both have nuclear weapons.

02:22:43.000 And they're right next to each other.

02:22:45.000 Well, when Trump was fighting with Kim Jong-un, I was like, we're really close.

02:22:50.000 California is very close.

02:22:52.000 Does Pakistan, do they have nuclear weapons as well?

02:22:58.000 Well, India for certain has, right?

02:23:00.000 They're right next to each other and they hate each other and they get mad.

02:23:03.000 They get fucking missiles!

02:23:04.000 It's crazy.

02:23:05.000 No!

02:23:06.000 Please!

02:23:07.000 There's like one dude that if he's like really pissed off, who's going to stop him, you know?

02:23:13.000 Pakistan's weapons of mass destruction is one of the nine states to possess nuclear weapons.

02:23:18.000 Pakistan began development of nuclear weapons in January of 1972 under Prime Minister Zulfikar Ali Bhutto.

02:23:28.000 I don't want to say his name.

02:23:31.000 I'm fucking it up.

02:23:32.000 No disrespect.

02:23:33.000 Who delegated the program.

02:23:37.000 It's just a gentleman's agreement that they're not going to use these?

02:23:42.000 Zulfikar Ali Bhutto.

02:23:44.000 Prime Minister Zulfikar Ali Bhutto.

02:23:45.000 Is that it?

02:23:47.000 That's a crazy thing too.

02:23:50.000 Parts of the world that just have wacky ass names.

02:23:53.000 There's a dude who fights in the UFC. He's the UFC lightweight champion.

02:24:00.000 And he's from Dagestan.

02:24:01.000 They have a totally different way of using words over there.

02:24:05.000 And their names are crazy.

02:24:06.000 His name is Khabib Nurmagomedov.

02:24:08.000 Like this long.

02:24:09.000 Yeah, it's like this powerful, you know, Russian-sounding name.

02:24:15.000 Like, that so identifies you with that part of the world.

02:24:17.000 Oh, yeah, for sure.

02:24:18.000 Like a name like that.

02:24:19.000 There's a guy, Magomed Sher...

02:24:22.000 His name is Zabit Magomed Sharapov.

02:24:25.000 Wow.

02:24:25.000 I fucked it up.

02:24:27.000 Think of that name.

02:24:28.000 Zabit Magomed Sharapov.

02:24:30.000 Yeah.

02:24:31.000 Still sounds terrible.

02:24:32.000 Coming out of my mouth sounds terrible.

02:24:33.000 Incredible fighter.

02:24:34.000 And he's from that part of the world, too.

02:24:36.000 Oh, there he is.

02:24:37.000 Magomed Sharapov.

02:24:38.000 Oh, man.

02:24:38.000 Look at that long name.

02:24:39.000 Like, that name shows you that it's that part of the world.

02:24:42.000 It's like, but Mike Jones.

02:24:44.000 Hi, I'm Jim Smith.

02:24:46.000 Yeah.

02:24:47.000 That's so American, right?

02:24:48.000 That we have a boring-ass name development program.

02:24:52.000 Well, we got lazy when people came off the boat, right?

02:24:55.000 They're like, oh, that's too long.

02:24:57.000 We're going to cut it.

02:24:57.000 Mike Williams, hi.

02:24:58.000 Nice to meet you, Pete.

02:24:59.000 It's William Snobovic.

02:25:01.000 Pete Jones?

02:25:02.000 Pete Jones, good to see you.

02:25:04.000 Oh, have you met Pete Jones?

02:25:05.000 Which Pete Jones?

02:25:06.000 The Idaho Pete Jones?

02:25:08.000 No, no, no.

02:25:09.000 You know?

02:25:10.000 Or they would just take your trade.

02:25:11.000 Oh, you're a shoemaker.

02:25:13.000 Right.

02:25:13.000 There's your name.

02:25:14.000 Craig Shoemaker.

02:25:15.000 Yeah.

02:25:16.000 Yeah.

02:25:17.000 Isn't that nuts?

02:25:18.000 But some parts of the world, they have fucking gallant names.

02:25:22.000 Man.

02:25:22.000 You know, long with, like, liberal use of Zs.

02:25:25.000 They use a lot of Zs.

02:25:27.000 Yeah.

02:25:27.000 But, like, some languages, though, it's like this huge, long name, and then it's like a zero with a slash.

02:25:33.000 You're like, that's how they write it.

02:25:35.000 It's like...

02:25:35.000 This long name can be represented by a tiny symbol in some languages.

02:25:40.000 Is that true?

02:25:40.000 I don't know.

02:25:41.000 I'm making shit up.

02:25:41.000 Did you make that up?

02:25:42.000 I think the weed hit me.

02:25:44.000 Oh, for sure it did.

02:25:45.000 Like a Chinese symbol.

02:25:48.000 Yeah, exactly.

02:25:49.000 Like that.

02:25:51.000 Imagine having to learn that now at a grown age.

02:25:54.000 As a grown up.

02:25:55.000 Imagine if you had to go learn Mandarin.

02:25:58.000 So hard.

02:25:59.000 Yeah.

02:26:00.000 Fucking really hard.

02:26:02.000 Yeah.

02:26:03.000 You had a brain injury and you just couldn't understand it and you couldn't explain to anyone.

02:26:06.000 That's had to have happened.

02:26:09.000 Yeah, right?

02:26:12.000 Yeah, the crazy thing about Asian characters too, they developed a whole different way of saying stuff.

02:26:19.000 They developed a way of saying stuff like they can recreate our language inside their language, but they're doing it with these little symbols and they all kind of know what it all means when it's all pushed together like that.

02:26:30.000 Yeah.

02:26:31.000 But we look at it as just like a bunch of lines that we don't understand.

02:26:35.000 Oh, for sure.

02:26:36.000 But if you could see it, that would be one of the weirder things about learning to read it.

02:26:41.000 All of a sudden, it would look like language to you.

02:26:44.000 Right.

02:26:44.000 Yeah.

02:26:44.000 It's no longer just symbols.

02:26:46.000 It's no longer nonsense.

02:26:47.000 Yeah.

02:26:48.000 Like, look at that.

02:26:49.000 And don't they read from, certain languages read the other direction, right?

02:26:54.000 Imagine if you had to write all that out.

02:26:56.000 Like, good lord.

02:26:58.000 And that's perfect.

02:27:00.000 Yeah, that's like beautifully written.

02:27:02.000 Like imagine, you know how bad doctors have prescription handwriting stuff?

02:27:07.000 Yeah, what's the slang of that?

02:27:08.000 What's like a guy whose handwriting is terrible?

02:27:11.000 What's his note look like?

02:27:13.000 Do you have to really understand Mandarin to sort through that?

02:27:16.000 His scribble, yeah.

02:27:17.000 They're like, oh, that was supposed to have three dots.

02:27:20.000 I've gotten mail, like actual mail from friends, like a Christmas card or something like that, and they write something in it, and I'm like, hey, bro, what did you want to say to me?

02:27:28.000 Because I can't read a word of what that scratch was, but they still send it to you.

02:27:32.000 No, that's not real.

02:27:33.000 Oh, look at that.

02:27:34.000 What is that?

02:27:35.000 Well, no one teaches handwriting.

02:27:36.000 They don't teach handwriting anymore.

02:27:38.000 Oh my god, but that's how they're doing it in Chinese.

02:27:40.000 That's the Chinese version of it.

02:27:42.000 See what that is?

02:27:43.000 Oh.

02:27:43.000 Oh, Jesus Christ.

02:27:45.000 You imagine what kind of 10th degree black belt in Chinese you'd have to be to even understand what the fuck that is?

02:27:51.000 Man.

02:27:51.000 That's amazing.

02:27:52.000 Of course, though.

02:27:53.000 It just makes sense if we were thinking that people have terrible handwriting in English.

02:27:57.000 Why wouldn't they have terrible handwriting in Chinese?

02:27:59.000 For sure.

02:27:59.000 Yeah, I mean, that's illegible.

02:28:03.000 Like, if you told me that was Chinese, I'm like, bro, that's scribbles.

02:28:07.000 Right?

02:28:07.000 Yeah, it looks like bad cursive.

02:28:09.000 Okay, that kind of looks like Chinese.

02:28:11.000 But wow, look how everything flows.

02:28:14.000 And it's on top of each other.

02:28:16.000 Bro, it looks like letters that are being attacked by a tornado.

02:28:20.000 Doesn't it?

02:28:21.000 It looks like letters that are all being attacked by cartoon tornadoes.

02:28:25.000 And squiggly lines at the bottom.

02:28:27.000 Everything's a tornado attack.

02:28:31.000 It's a complicated language, though.

02:28:33.000 It's so much more interesting than ours.

02:28:35.000 I'm so bummed out that I'm too stupid to learn it at this day and age.

02:28:39.000 I mean, just to learn Spanish is hard.

02:28:42.000 Spanish is useful though.

02:28:44.000 There's way more Spanish people over here.

02:28:46.000 Of course.

02:28:46.000 Way more Spanish speaking people over here.

02:28:49.000 The beauty of Spanish is that things sound like they're spelled.

02:28:53.000 The hard part of the English language is so many things are not pronounced how they're spelled.

02:28:59.000 Yeah.

02:29:00.000 So Spanish is very literal.

02:29:03.000 Yeah.

02:29:05.000 And Spanish is all using the same letters that we use.

02:29:09.000 You know, like if you had ever learned Russian, like, oof.

02:29:12.000 Yeah.

02:29:12.000 You're jumping to a different system.

02:29:14.000 It's a different alphabet.

02:29:16.000 There's a bunch of those little weird Russian symbols.

02:29:18.000 You're like, what is that?

02:29:19.000 Yeah.

02:29:20.000 But that must be how a Russian looks at English if they don't speak it.

02:29:24.000 But the thing is about other countries, a lot of them are bilingual.

02:29:27.000 Oh yeah.

02:29:28.000 A lot of them.

02:29:29.000 We're way behind with that stuff.

02:29:31.000 Way behind.

02:29:32.000 I lived in Spain for a year and everybody there spoke two languages.

02:29:36.000 Really?

02:29:36.000 At minimum.

02:29:37.000 And a lot of them were coming from other countries and they spoke multiple languages there.

02:29:43.000 I wonder if that's one of the things that makes places like Italy or countries like that a little bit more artistically sophisticated still.

02:29:56.000 Maybe it's the fact that everybody knows more than one language.

02:30:00.000 I wonder if their brains just work a little better from doing that, processing two languages.

02:30:06.000 Like, think about all the weird...

02:30:08.000 Like, every time I visited Italy, I'm like, how did all this art come out of this one place?

02:30:12.000 Right.

02:30:12.000 I know a lot of it they stole from other spots when they were the Romans.

02:30:15.000 But just the shit that they made, for sure, in Italy.

02:30:18.000 It's like, this one little country?

02:30:20.000 Yeah.

02:30:21.000 How the fuck did you guys do this?

02:30:22.000 They had really good coffee.

02:30:23.000 But my argument falls apart under scrutiny because they just spoke Italian back then.

02:30:28.000 Right?

02:30:28.000 They didn't speak English back then, did they?

02:30:31.000 Uh...

02:30:31.000 I don't think so.

02:30:33.000 They probably never made contact with each other like they do now.

02:30:36.000 But even now, you'll go to a gelato shop, and the cashier's fluent in Italian and English.

02:30:45.000 You're like, you could make a gazillion dollars being a translator, but they're just like, oh, we all know two languages.

02:30:53.000 That's just how it is.

02:30:55.000 Yeah, some of them are perfect.

02:30:56.000 But it's like such a valued skill, you know?

02:31:00.000 And rare.

02:31:00.000 And I don't think they even know how much they have, like what value they have in them.

02:31:06.000 I used to know this dude that I used to do Taekwondo with, and he was an international shipment guy.

02:31:14.000 He would get things in other countries and bring them back to America and sell them.

02:31:19.000 And this is like pre-internet, man.

02:31:21.000 I used to deliver pizzas with this dude when he was trying to start his business up.

02:31:24.000 Yeah.

02:31:25.000 But anyway, he could learn languages.

02:31:27.000 He just had a unique ability to learn languages.

02:31:29.000 And he was really into it.

02:31:31.000 And he would recite things from these languages to you.

02:31:34.000 I'm like, damn, dude, that's impressive as fuck.

02:31:36.000 He just kept learning.

02:31:37.000 He was really into learning languages.

02:31:39.000 And then he'd buy and sell things from other countries.

02:31:41.000 And he could talk to these people on the phone in different languages.

02:31:44.000 Yeah, well I think it's like having a musical skill.

02:31:47.000 I think you hear things like you are just able to translate it better.

02:31:52.000 One of my best friends growing up, he speaks like five languages.

02:31:57.000 I think you just have to be predispositioned to be good at that.

02:32:02.000 You think so?

02:32:03.000 Is that what it is or is it just you just have to love it?

02:32:07.000 I think it's a combo of like you have to love it, you have to practice it, but I do think certain people have like the gift to do it more than others.

02:32:21.000 Yeah.

02:32:31.000 Yeah.

02:32:39.000 Where they think that the very, very elite, cream of the crop, they start really young.

02:32:45.000 Really?

02:32:45.000 And yeah, guys like Floyd Mayweather started boxing really, really young.

02:32:48.000 And he's pretty much regarded the best boxer ever.

02:32:51.000 And as he grew up, he grew up, like his body was developing while he was boxing.

02:32:58.000 Right.

02:32:59.000 So it becomes almost like a part of who you are.

02:33:01.000 Your body and your skills become one and the same.

02:33:04.000 Yeah.

02:33:04.000 And they think that when you're learning and you're like in your 30s, like say if you were like a pretty athletic person, you're learning in your 30s, you're always going to have like a giant...

02:33:17.000 Right.

02:33:18.000 When you're dealing with a guy like Floyd Mayweather.

02:33:20.000 Yeah.

02:33:20.000 Because he's just so clean.

02:33:22.000 It's like in his bones.

02:33:22.000 It's in his DNA. Yeah.

02:33:23.000 Everything's clean and honed.

02:33:25.000 The pathways are so polished.

02:33:27.000 And he has so much understanding because he's been doing it his whole life.

02:33:31.000 Yeah.

02:33:31.000 It's like there's certain things you see, almost like you can't catch up.

02:33:35.000 You can't catch up to certain things.

02:33:36.000 You have to, if you want to...

02:33:38.000 If you want to develop those skills to the ultimate peak for some people, it has to be done while they're growing and evolving, it seems.

02:33:47.000 And I always wondered if that was the case with voices, too.

02:33:51.000 Little kids are singing when they're really young.

02:33:53.000 I wonder if those little kids develop amazing voices because they're strengthening it as their...

02:33:59.000 I would think so.

02:34:00.000 You would think so, right?

02:34:01.000 Like swimmers.

02:34:02.000 They start young.

02:34:03.000 Gymnasts.

02:34:04.000 Yeah.

02:34:05.000 Yeah.

02:34:06.000 Everybody starts young.

02:34:07.000 Yeah.

02:34:07.000 I mean, it would make sense that...

02:34:09.000 I feel like there's a lot of energy involved in singing.

02:34:11.000 I can't sing, but I feel like there's a lot of projection and energy involved in that.

02:34:16.000 I would think that if you learn how to do that as you're young, as your body's growing and developing, it'll...

02:34:22.000 I would think so.

02:34:23.000 I would think so.

02:34:24.000 Yeah.

02:34:24.000 Because you can...

02:34:25.000 You know, people get classically trained.

02:34:28.000 They get all these different trainings.

02:34:29.000 Yeah.

02:34:30.000 But if you started younger, it does seem like you would be at such an advantage.

02:34:33.000 Yeah.

02:34:34.000 I wonder if that's the case with talking shit, too.

02:34:37.000 You gotta learn young.

02:34:39.000 If you don't learn how to talk shit when you're really young, it becomes a real problem as you get older.

02:34:44.000 It's hard to learn how to talk shit when you're in your 30s and 40s.

02:34:50.000 You at least have to have siblings.

02:34:52.000 I feel like people with siblings are good at talking shit.

02:34:55.000 Or good friends.

02:34:56.000 Right.

02:34:57.000 Good friends that can shit on you.

02:34:58.000 Yeah.

02:35:00.000 Good friends that can say ridiculous things.

02:35:01.000 You need friends that shit on you.

02:35:03.000 It's not a bad thing to have.

02:35:04.000 Yeah.

02:35:05.000 If it's funny.

02:35:06.000 Keep you on your toes.

02:35:07.000 That's fucking good for you.

02:35:08.000 It's good for everybody.

02:35:10.000 Yeah.

02:35:10.000 Look, we're funny.

02:35:12.000 People are funny.

02:35:13.000 Well, I think that's what made me have a thicker skin.

02:35:16.000 I have two older brothers.

02:35:17.000 Yeah, for sure.

02:35:18.000 So you're just like, from day one, you're a piece of shit.

02:35:21.000 Yeah.

02:35:23.000 But they love you, but they talk to you in a different, you're not coddled, you know, with brothers.

02:35:28.000 They're just like, toughen up.

02:35:29.000 Yeah, it's a totally different kind of relationship.

02:35:31.000 They know you.

02:35:32.000 They know the everyday you.

02:35:36.000 You always find that really tough people, the really toughest people, a lot of them, not all of them, but a lot of them, they have older brothers that used to beat their ass.

02:35:46.000 Yeah.

02:35:47.000 For sure.

02:35:48.000 Some of the best fighters in the UFC have older brothers.

02:35:50.000 I don't fight because why would I fight?

02:35:53.000 But if I had to protect myself, I know that old school fighting with my brothers would just come out and I would beat somebody up.

02:36:05.000 Because that instinct would come back.

02:36:07.000 That fight or flight.

02:36:09.000 You're like, oh, my brother's about to beat the shit out of me.

02:36:12.000 I better toughen up and fight back.

02:36:16.000 Yeah.

02:36:17.000 Because they didn't care if you were a girl.

02:36:18.000 They didn't give a fuck.

02:36:19.000 There was no, like, oh, you're a girl, you can't hit girls.

02:36:23.000 We'd be like, and I'd be an instigator, too.

02:36:25.000 I'd be like, come on, motherfucker!

02:36:28.000 I had such a potty mouth.

02:36:30.000 At like 8, I was like, that's all you got?

02:36:32.000 Fuck you!

02:36:34.000 They're like, you're 8!

02:36:35.000 That's hilarious.

02:36:36.000 You were like that at 8?

02:36:37.000 Because I had brothers.

02:36:39.000 Wow.

02:36:40.000 And how old were your brothers?

02:36:42.000 The oldest one's 7 years older than me and the middle one's 3 years older than me.

02:36:47.000 Oh my god.

02:36:49.000 That's a lot.

02:36:50.000 Three's a lot.

02:36:51.000 Seven's ridiculous.

02:36:52.000 Yeah, it's almost like your dad.

02:36:53.000 I'm like, are you my dad?

02:36:55.000 But yeah, I remember I got sent to the principal's office in second grade because I gave somebody a bird.

02:37:04.000 They're like, how did you learn?

02:37:06.000 Where did that come from?

02:37:07.000 I'm like, my brother.

02:37:09.000 That's hilarious.

02:37:11.000 That makes sense.

02:37:12.000 That would lead you to comedy.

02:37:14.000 They turned into really good guys, but when they were young, I heard stories like when they would walk past, that was back when people would keep their doors open in our little town.

02:37:24.000 Everyone would see my brothers coming and would shut their doors.

02:37:26.000 They were like the rugrats of the neighborhood.

02:37:30.000 I just learned to be a little feisty.

02:37:34.000 Do you think that helps you in comedy?

02:37:36.000 It certainly, certainly helps because you just, you know, we all eat shit at some point and you just go, alright.

02:37:44.000 I hate shit.

02:37:45.000 Moving on.

02:37:47.000 That's the hardest thing for people to take, right?

02:37:49.000 Yeah.

02:37:50.000 Oftentimes.

02:37:51.000 Well, yeah, it's hard because you're like, it's just you and a microphone.

02:37:54.000 If you're bombing.

02:37:55.000 It's you.

02:37:56.000 You gotta sweat through it.

02:37:57.000 Yeah.

02:37:57.000 And I mean, it certainly helps with like, you know, social media that we talked about.

02:38:01.000 It's brutal at times.

02:38:03.000 You just, you know, it's not fun, but you just kind of shrug it off and go, oh well.

02:38:09.000 And move on.

02:38:10.000 Yeah, but those bombings are so valuable.

02:38:13.000 Yeah, for sure.

02:38:14.000 Goddamn, they're valuable.

02:38:15.000 Failures are so valuable.

02:38:17.000 We look at them like they're really bad and it's terrible, but if you have energy, failures are valuable because it makes you realize, I got some correction to do.

02:38:28.000 I gotta figure out what the fuck went wrong.

02:38:30.000 I gotta do better.

02:38:31.000 And it re-energizes you.

02:38:32.000 Yeah, because if people were just laughing, it's not making you get better at that thing.

02:38:37.000 Yeah, you don't sweat it.

02:38:38.000 Sometimes you just sweat it.

02:38:41.000 And it sucks when you're in it, but it does make you like, oh, something's not working here.

02:38:46.000 Yeah, so I try to pretend that I just bombed every day.

02:38:50.000 Especially when I'm about to go on stage of writing.

02:38:52.000 I've thought about it that way.

02:38:54.000 Pretend like I'm doing a set right after I bombed.

02:38:57.000 You know that feeling?

02:38:59.000 You get to work.

02:39:02.000 It's a weird thing we do.

02:39:06.000 It doesn't get any less weird.

02:39:08.000 No.

02:39:09.000 You keep doing it 20, 30 years.

02:39:11.000 It's still weird.

02:39:11.000 Yeah.

02:39:12.000 It's weird.

02:39:13.000 Well, I think that's why stand-up is a great equalizer.

02:39:17.000 These huge comics can go for their audiences, go kill, kill, kill.

02:39:21.000 But then they got to go back to the comedy club with that new stuff and start from square one and work it back up.

02:39:28.000 So it doesn't matter how big you are.

02:39:31.000 Everybody's got to go back to the club at some point.

02:39:33.000 And that's the beauty of it.

02:39:35.000 It really is.

02:39:36.000 That's the beauty of this era.

02:39:37.000 We've been talking about that a lot lately because it's such an important point.

02:39:41.000 You become a beginner again.

02:39:43.000 Yeah.

02:39:43.000 Because you have new shit.

02:39:45.000 Yeah, and you don't know if it works.

02:39:46.000 And, you know, I was hanging out with Tommy this weekend.

02:39:49.000 Tom Segura was in Vegas.

02:39:51.000 He just happened to be there doing stand-up the same weekend.

02:39:54.000 I'm there for the UFC. Yeah.

02:39:56.000 So he came to the fights and I came to see his show.

02:39:58.000 Oh, that's cool.

02:39:59.000 And his show, his special is just about to come out, and he's got all this new shit that he's been working out at the clubs.

02:40:10.000 It's so fun to see that stage where someone's putting it together.

02:40:14.000 They've got these big laughs, and he's got this part where they're trying to figure out where this goes, and then you can see how much of it is new and how much of it is polished.

02:40:24.000 Where he's going with it.

02:40:25.000 Do you, I mean, with someone like Tom who's, you know, so seasoned, do you look at stuff and ever be like, hey, I have a suggestion?

02:40:32.000 Or you kind of just, you know, do you ever...

02:40:36.000 If I really saw something, I mean, we talk about stuff and he'll give me one too.

02:40:39.000 He'll tell me, you know, like, I like it when you did it this way.

02:40:41.000 First show you did it this way.

02:40:43.000 We definitely do that to each other.

02:40:44.000 Yeah, that's nice.

02:40:45.000 Especially if you see something glaringly.

02:40:47.000 Yeah.

02:40:47.000 You know, like, but we ask each other too.

02:40:50.000 Like Bert and I were talking about a new bit that he had.

02:40:52.000 Mm-hmm.

02:40:52.000 Where he did it one way during the first show, and he missed the part of why it got such a big laugh.

02:40:58.000 And we were explaining it.

02:40:59.000 I was like, this is how, because I watched both sets, I was like, this is how I saw the first one.

02:41:03.000 But this is how I saw the second one.

02:41:04.000 You were implying something that's more funny.

02:41:07.000 And he was like, oh, right.

02:41:08.000 Okay, so that, yeah.

02:41:10.000 So I need more of a pause there.

02:41:12.000 I was like, exactly.

02:41:14.000 Otherwise, it seems like it's part of the sentence before it.

02:41:17.000 I love that.

02:41:17.000 I love getting that feedback.

02:41:19.000 Yeah.

02:41:19.000 Oh, it's great getting it, too.

02:41:21.000 You know, some good comics have given me really good advice.

02:41:24.000 It's cool when you see it through somebody else's eyes.

02:41:26.000 Yeah, for sure.

02:41:27.000 Because, yeah, there's so many things you miss.

02:41:30.000 Yeah, because Bert was doing that with me.

02:41:34.000 He was like, oh, you said this thing.

02:41:36.000 You've got to go back to that thing and explore it.

02:41:39.000 Do you record all your sets?

02:41:41.000 Half of them.

02:41:42.000 I need to get better about that.

02:41:44.000 Sometimes I forget, I just...

02:41:45.000 I listen to half of them, so we're even.

02:41:48.000 I record all of them, I listen to half of them.

02:41:51.000 That's how I learn how to do it.

02:41:53.000 I feel like if I learn that way, it seems to me that when I'm doing it, it's just...

02:42:02.000 It's always just trying to do your best.

02:42:04.000 And for me, part of doing my best is I have to hear it.

02:42:08.000 I gotta listen to it.

02:42:09.000 And if I felt like something went weird or something was clunky or I tried to do something backwards or try to do the punchline first and just fucking around with a bit, trying to expand on it, I need to hear it.

02:42:19.000 I need to hear it.

02:42:20.000 I need to hear it.

02:42:21.000 You can hear it.

02:42:22.000 As soon as you hear it, you know if it worked.

02:42:24.000 You can hear clunkiness.

02:42:26.000 Especially when shit's new.

02:42:27.000 It's like, ooh, this is clunky.

02:42:28.000 This entrance is clunky.

02:42:30.000 I don't know how to get there.

02:42:31.000 I gotta make a line.

02:42:33.000 It's such a science, right?

02:42:35.000 It is kind of, but it's also, like, what's great about Joey Diaz is that it's an art.

02:42:42.000 Right.

02:42:42.000 There's no science to him.

02:42:44.000 Right.

02:42:44.000 It's feel.

02:42:45.000 A plus B doesn't equal C. Yeah, it's feel.

02:42:47.000 It's just he knows what's funny.

02:42:49.000 Right.

02:42:51.000 But he's like that all the time.

02:42:53.000 Like, listen, Fortune, cut the shit.

02:42:55.000 Let's cut the shit!

02:42:56.000 Yeah.

02:42:57.000 Just cut the shit.

02:42:58.000 Yeah, and he's got a lot of opinions and they're funny.

02:43:01.000 Yeah.

02:43:02.000 Because I just start with what's funny to me and then expand from there and hope that other people find it funny.

02:43:09.000 If they don't, you jump ship, try a new bit.

02:43:13.000 Yeah, but when you're doing it, you're doing it for a specific reason, right?

02:43:16.000 You're doing it because you're trying to figure out how to make it work.

02:43:18.000 Yeah, for sure.

02:43:20.000 It's a little science project you're doing.

02:43:23.000 Mm-hmm.

02:43:24.000 You know?

02:43:24.000 Yeah.

02:43:25.000 It's kind of crazy.

02:43:26.000 Well, because you know that certain stories from your life or family or whatever are funny.

02:43:32.000 Yeah.

02:43:32.000 Sometimes we're like, but how do I get that across?

02:43:37.000 And it not be a, you had to be there moment.

02:43:40.000 You know what I mean?

02:43:40.000 Yeah.

02:43:41.000 Like, how do you make the audience be there?

02:43:43.000 That's the part for me that's always what I'm aiming for.

02:43:48.000 I don't want them to go away going, oh, I guess you had to be there to find that funny.

02:43:52.000 I want them to be like, oh, I felt like I was in that moment with you watching it happen.

02:43:56.000 I like that.

02:43:58.000 Yeah.

02:43:58.000 Well, that's just a really good joke, right?

02:44:00.000 I always say that most jokes that you see recorded, it's probably 70% as funny as it was if you were there.

02:44:06.000 Right.

02:44:07.000 Do you feel like that's accurate?

02:44:08.000 For sure.

02:44:09.000 Yeah, because there's a feeling that you get when you're laughing with people.

02:44:12.000 There's a communal feeling, too.

02:44:13.000 It's fun about being in the audience.

02:44:15.000 Yeah, it brings it out of you, too.

02:44:17.000 Yeah, it's fun.

02:44:18.000 It's fucking fun.

02:44:19.000 Part of the fun of what we do is the fact that we do it in front of an audience.

02:44:22.000 Everybody's jazzing off the experience.

02:44:24.000 Everybody's having a good time.

02:44:25.000 And the audience can control so much of the mood of the show.

02:44:29.000 Yes, for sure, for sure.

02:44:32.000 When you're live, or you're watching it at home rather, you're just getting a ghost.

02:44:37.000 Yeah.

02:44:38.000 You're getting a ghost of that night.

02:44:39.000 Right.

02:44:40.000 You're not getting the full juice.

02:44:42.000 A simulation.

02:44:42.000 So if you think someone's funny, what I'm saying is if someone thinks you're funny from Netflix, and I'm sure they will, you're more funny.

02:44:47.000 Right.

02:44:48.000 On top of that.

02:44:49.000 You're more funny on top of that in real life.

02:44:51.000 Oh, 100%.

02:44:51.000 Yeah, it's just...

02:44:52.000 Because there's a magic with a lot of people.

02:44:55.000 You watch them live and you're like, oh my god.

02:44:57.000 It's one of the cool things about what we do.

02:44:59.000 It has to be done live.

02:45:01.000 You have to learn how to do it live.

02:45:04.000 You have to practice it live.

02:45:08.000 People know what's going on now, though.

02:45:10.000 They know you're doing that.

02:45:12.000 Before, when people would come to see you, they wanted every bit to be polished and done and ready.

02:45:18.000 But now they know that if you come to the Tuesday night to the Comedy Store, there's going to be some clunky premises tossed about.

02:45:25.000 You're like, you paid $15 for this ticket.

02:45:27.000 This is what you're getting.

02:45:28.000 Sometimes you have a new idea and you just get it off wrong right out of the gate and you can't recover.

02:45:37.000 You can't recover.

02:45:38.000 Your set just sucks.

02:45:39.000 Yeah, for sure.

02:45:40.000 Just get into home plate with one flat tire.

02:45:43.000 You're looking for that light.

02:45:46.000 Who's next?

02:45:49.000 Then Joey comes and murders.

02:45:51.000 How many nights a week are you going up?

02:45:53.000 Uh, I've been doing, hitting different clubs, probably three, two to three a week.

02:46:00.000 Oh, that's cool.

02:46:01.000 Yeah.

02:46:02.000 But I go to, I don't go like to the comedy store every week.

02:46:05.000 I'll change it up and do different shows around town.

02:46:08.000 Yeah.

02:46:08.000 What are the other spots you like to hit?

02:46:10.000 I do store, laugh factory, improv.

02:46:14.000 I hit up Flappers sometimes.

02:46:16.000 Why not?

02:46:17.000 Go to Flappers.

02:46:17.000 It's a good place to work out.

02:46:20.000 You ever do the Ice House?

02:46:21.000 Yeah, do the Ice House.

02:46:23.000 Love that place.

02:46:24.000 Like alt shows, Largo here and there.

02:46:28.000 There's some other, like, rooms that do, like, gay shows.

02:46:31.000 I'll pop into those.

02:46:32.000 Dookie, how you said that?

02:46:33.000 Gay shows?

02:46:34.000 Gay shows.

02:46:35.000 What's with the hand?

02:46:36.000 What's the hand movement?

02:46:36.000 I just felt very fabulous talking about the gay shows.

02:46:40.000 But for me, it's always important.

02:46:42.000 It would be easy for me to go to the gay rooms and just do those shows, those audiences.

02:46:48.000 They know my story similar to their story.

02:46:51.000 They know my thing.

02:46:52.000 For me as a comic, hitting the store has always got to be part of the routine.

02:46:58.000 Because I want to appeal to the bros, to the straight chicks, to the married couple, to the whoever.

02:47:07.000 I don't want my thing to be for one group of people.

02:47:10.000 I think that attitude is why you're so fucking funny.

02:47:13.000 I mean, there's no way to get better.

02:47:16.000 But you have such a good attitude about it.

02:47:19.000 That's such a professional approach.

02:47:22.000 You're looking at it objectively and you're saying, I want to mix it all up.

02:47:26.000 I want to do everything.

02:47:27.000 Because there will be times I'm going to the store where I know I have a new bit.

02:47:31.000 I don't know how it's going to go.

02:47:33.000 I get anxiety.

02:47:34.000 I know it's going to be hard, but I've got to do it.

02:47:38.000 Because that's the only way to get better.

02:47:40.000 I could just go to this alt room and kill.

02:47:46.000 But you walk away going, yeah, but...

02:47:49.000 You were preaching to the choir.

02:47:50.000 Yeah, exactly.

02:47:52.000 What did I accomplish from that?

02:47:55.000 So for me, the store has always got to be part of my workout.

02:48:01.000 Because...

02:48:03.000 You know, you see the arms crossed and be like, yeah, what do you got?

02:48:08.000 You know, and then you have to slowly see those arms unfold and, you know, win those people over.

02:48:15.000 Good for you.

02:48:16.000 And it doesn't always happen, but it makes you keep at it, you know?

02:48:20.000 That's why things are...

02:48:21.000 You're already 13 years in.

02:48:22.000 You're doing a theater tour.

02:48:23.000 Well, I'm trying.

02:48:25.000 For real, that attitude really is.

02:48:27.000 You have a very professional attitude about it.

02:48:31.000 Well, I love...

02:48:32.000 Comedy.

02:48:33.000 I love stand-up.

02:48:34.000 I respect the art form.

02:48:36.000 I know I'm on the newer side of it, even at 13 years.

02:48:40.000 And I just try to find my place in it and how to keep getting better at it.

02:48:47.000 I really think that's why you're so good.

02:48:50.000 I really do.

02:48:50.000 And I'm a fan.

02:48:51.000 I think you're very, very funny.

02:48:53.000 I appreciate that.

02:48:54.000 I enjoy working with you.

02:48:55.000 Same.

02:48:56.000 I mean, I look up to you so much.

02:48:59.000 Don't do that.

02:49:02.000 You'd just be disappointed.

02:49:03.000 As a comic, no, there's no, I mean, your storytelling is, like, unbelievable.

02:49:09.000 I think the, one of the, I saw you doing that, um, what, what's happened?

02:49:15.000 Oh, Ari's show.

02:49:16.000 Yeah, Ari's show.

02:49:17.000 Um, This Is Not Happening.

02:49:18.000 Yeah, and you just told, like, you're just telling a story.

02:49:20.000 It's, like, the fucking funniest thing.

02:49:22.000 That was a true story, too.

02:49:24.000 Yeah!

02:49:25.000 And you're just like, holy, it's like a whole other level.

02:49:27.000 And it's so great to watch.

02:49:29.000 Oh, thank you.

02:49:30.000 Yeah.

02:49:30.000 Thank you very much.

02:49:31.000 Thank you.

02:49:31.000 Absolutely.

02:49:33.000 Tell everybody how to get to you on Instagram.

02:49:35.000 It's already 311. Dude, we've been doing this for three hours.

02:49:37.000 Oh my gosh.

02:49:38.000 Isn't that crazy?

02:49:38.000 And I didn't have to pee once.

02:49:40.000 You're amazing.

02:49:41.000 You didn't even budge.

02:49:42.000 I wore a diaper.

02:49:43.000 No.

02:49:44.000 I did it for you, Joe.

02:49:45.000 Joe, I pissed my pants for you.

02:49:49.000 I'm at Fortune Feimster.

02:49:51.000 Spell that for people.

02:49:52.000 F-E-I-M-S-T-E-R. Fortune, like the cookie.

02:49:56.000 Yep.

02:49:56.000 That's my Instagram, fortunefeimster.com slash tour.

02:49:59.000 I'm going to tons of cities.

02:50:01.000 My special, Sweet and Salty, on Netflix.

02:50:05.000 And all that good stuff.

02:50:06.000 And all that good stuff.

02:50:07.000 And she's fucking hilarious.

02:50:08.000 Go out, see her.

02:50:09.000 Come see the show.

02:50:10.000 Thank you very much for being here.

02:50:11.000 Thank you.

02:50:11.000 This was awesome.

02:50:12.000 Thank you.

02:50:12.000 I enjoyed it.

02:50:13.000 Bye, everybody.

02:50:16.000 That was fun.

02:50:16.000 That was great.

02:50:17.000 Thank you.

The Joe Rogan Experience - March 12, 2020

Joe Rogan Experience #1440 - Fortune Feimster

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