The Joe Rogan Experience - Joe Rogan Experience #1458

00:00:00.000 Hello friends, this episode of the podcast is brought to you by the goddamn motherfucking Cash App.

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00:06:18.000 My friends, my guest today is a good friend of mine, a hilarious stand-up comedian, and he has a new Netflix special that's out right now.

00:06:27.000 It's called No Pain.

00:06:29.000 He is awesome.

00:06:30.000 And also, Brian Callan actually joined us as well.

00:06:34.000 He is Chris DeLeah.

00:06:35.000 And then, like, at hour two, Brian showed up and it got pretty crazy.

00:06:41.000 So, please give a warm round of applause for Chris DeLeah.

00:06:45.000 Joe Rogan Podcast.

00:06:46.000 Check it out.

00:06:47.000 The Joe Rogan experience.

00:06:49.000 Train by day.

00:06:50.000 Joe Rogan podcast by night.

00:06:52.000 All day.

00:06:54.000 Chris DeLia's negative.

00:06:56.000 Yeah.

00:06:56.000 That's right.

00:06:57.000 I got the test.

00:06:59.000 Isn't it nice?

00:06:59.000 You know, I got the test because I know Joe Rogan.

00:07:01.000 Because I came here and he had a doctor.

00:07:03.000 A young strapping doctor.

00:07:05.000 He's handsome.

00:07:06.000 He's handsome for a doctor.

00:07:07.000 I don't like when doctors.

00:07:08.000 When doctors are handsome, it's bullshit.

00:07:10.000 I don't like him when they're dying, though.

00:07:12.000 They look terrible.

00:07:13.000 He looks healthy.

00:07:14.000 Yeah.

00:07:14.000 I like that.

00:07:15.000 Well, I get it.

00:07:16.000 Yeah, but you want your, I mean, the old-fashioned in me wants a doctor to be 100 years old and have studied for 90 years.

00:07:23.000 Not today.

00:07:24.000 No, I know, because the young guys know what the fuck's really going on.

00:07:27.000 Yeah, not only that, I want a doctor who's got some energy.

00:07:30.000 I want a doctor who does CrossFit.

00:07:32.000 Guy who's fucking ripped.

00:07:32.000 Right.

00:07:34.000 Yeah, you'd imagine Joe Rogan's doctor definitely looks like he does CrossFit.

00:07:37.000 He does, though.

00:07:37.000 No, he does.

00:07:38.000 Yeah, he's a handsome guy.

00:07:38.000 He's healthy.

00:07:39.000 He's a handsome guy.

00:07:40.000 Yes, he knows.

00:07:40.000 And he's young.

00:07:41.000 So he knows.

00:07:43.000 Most importantly, he knows I'm negative.

00:07:45.000 I've been tested twice already.

00:07:47.000 Got tested yesterday, and I got tested two days before that.

00:07:51.000 I'm just going to test myself every three or four days.

00:07:54.000 Fuck it.

00:07:55.000 Fuck it.

00:07:55.000 So I'm testing everybody.

00:07:56.000 So the way we're doing this here is when people come in to do the podcast, test them first, keep the fuck away from them, and then give them a hug.

00:08:04.000 You're the first person I've hugged in a month.

00:08:06.000 It's so weird.

00:08:07.000 It's weird as fuck.

00:08:08.000 It felt good, honestly.

00:08:10.000 You know what's I want to be here the day somebody comes to do the podcast and gets tested negative and you have to send them home yeah that's gonna be weird it's gonna happen of course for sure it's gonna happen yeah I don't know what I'll do maybe we'll like put him down there yeah with a mask on yeah it'd be good for the news hey we got Robert Dinny Jr. here today and he has COVID no he's actually clean Robert's clean somebody's not gonna be somebody famous is not gonna be oh for

00:08:40.000 My friend Sturgill's positive.

00:08:40.000 Sure.

00:08:42.000 He tested positive.

00:08:43.000 He went in with his wife, and he thought his wife was sick, and it turns out he was.

00:08:47.000 Wow.

00:08:48.000 Yeah.

00:08:48.000 But he wasn't showing symptoms or what?

00:08:50.000 He's a little fatigued.

00:08:51.000 Yeah.

00:08:52.000 Now he feels great.

00:08:53.000 That's the thing about me is I'll hear a thing and then be like, do I have a sore throat?

00:08:58.000 Well, there's a thing on CNN today that said as many as 70% of the people, it's between 50 and 70% of the people that test positive feel nothing.

00:09:07.000 Wow.

00:09:08.000 So they're saying that way more people have this than they previously thought.

00:09:13.000 Right.

00:09:13.000 So the risk of hospitalization and or death, although it's still tragic and terrible, they're saying it's way lower than they thought, which is great.

00:09:23.000 But at least this is like a dry run.

00:09:25.000 Like now if something really bad happens, now at least, look, I'm looking at it on the positive side.

00:09:30.000 We know that we can get the country to lock down, basically.

00:09:33.000 Not everybody, but there's never going to be anything where everybody complies.

00:09:38.000 No way.

00:09:39.000 But pretty remarkable.

00:09:40.000 How many, I mean, just drive around here, man.

00:09:42.000 Try to get on the highway.

00:09:42.000 It's wild.

00:09:43.000 It's crazy.

00:09:44.000 It's I Am Legend out there.

00:09:45.000 No one's here.

00:09:46.000 No one's on the street.

00:09:47.000 I know.

00:09:48.000 It's I Am Legend.

00:09:48.000 I almost brought my dog.

00:09:49.000 I thought, I thought, because when I was going to leave, because your podcast is far away from a place and I was like, oh, I'm going to, I got to leave an hour beforehand.

00:09:56.000 And I was like, oh wait, no, I don't.

00:09:57.000 I can leave fucking 20 minutes before I even get there.

00:09:57.000 No, 15 minutes.

00:10:00.000 So that's a positive.

00:10:00.000 That's a silver lining.

00:10:01.000 Yeah.

00:10:01.000 That's the positive.

00:10:02.000 Yeah.

00:10:02.000 You want a CBD drink?

00:10:04.000 It's good for you.

00:10:04.000 You can have that.

00:10:05.000 No, no, no.

00:10:05.000 Does it make you high?

00:10:06.000 No.

00:10:06.000 That's my question with everything now because everything is CBD.

00:10:08.000 Okay.

00:10:09.000 I'll have it.

00:10:09.000 Some CBD will fuck you up.

00:10:11.000 I've had some CBD that makes you high.

00:10:12.000 The stuff that looks green is like a company.

00:10:15.000 I think it's like Leafly.

00:10:17.000 I forget the name of it, but it was really good.

00:10:19.000 And I took like four droppers full and I was like, ooh, I'm high.

00:10:24.000 Just a little high.

00:10:25.000 It was just a touch.

00:10:27.000 Just a touch high.

00:10:28.000 This is a Kill Cliff with CBD.

00:10:30.000 I'm addicted to this shit.

00:10:31.000 It's only 25 milligrams of CBD, but it's actually good for you.

00:10:34.000 I've broken it down to, I used to drink so much soda, like just when I was 30 and I stopped because I took my shirt off at my parents'house and my mom was like, you gained some weight.

00:10:45.000 And I was like, no, I didn't because I had always been 175 pounds.

00:10:47.000 Always.

00:10:48.000 My whole life.

00:10:48.000 And she's like, I have a scale upstairs.

00:10:51.000 And I was like, okay, I'll check.

00:10:53.000 And I was 200 fucking pounds, dude.

00:10:55.000 Like how out to fucking lunch am I that I didn't know that I gained just 25 pounds, right?

00:11:01.000 That's a lot of weight if you thought 25 steaks.

00:11:04.000 I know.

00:11:04.000 25 one pound steaks.

00:11:06.000 I know.

00:11:07.000 It's a lot of fucking weight.

00:11:08.000 You don't think about it.

00:11:09.000 And it was spread all over my body.

00:11:10.000 Thank God I don't have that gut or whatever the fuck some people get.

00:11:12.000 I get it all over, right?

00:11:13.000 Dude, mine goes right here.

00:11:14.000 Nice.

00:11:15.000 I get it in the gut and in my face.

00:11:17.000 My face gets fat and my stomach sticks out.

00:11:19.000 The face is the thing that you don't realize is getting fat because you stare at it every day.

00:11:24.000 Do you know what I mean?

00:11:24.000 Right.

00:11:25.000 And when I see pictures of me at 30, I look fucking horrible.

00:11:28.000 It's hilarious.

00:11:30.000 My friends text them to me.

00:11:31.000 Like they'll see them sometimes because they'll get tagged in them too because they'll be like on the road.

00:11:35.000 I just stepped on the scale and I i almost fainted bro that's how good my life is that i almost fainted that i ate that i gained 25 pounds and uh and i and i walked down i walked down stairs like the guy from fucking saving private ryan looking for his arm just in shock and my mom was like uh what and i was like i gained 25 pounds she's like i fucking told you and i stopped drinking soda that day i was like i gotta drink diet because i would drink like five six sodas dude a day that's a lot of sugar it's a lot of sugar but i in my head i was still 12.

00:12:04.000 I'm like I'm still fucking young fuck it 30's nothing and so I stopped drinking I switched to diet and diet's fucking terrible then you're just getting cancer so I'm like I'm either gonna be fat or getting cancer you know what fuck it I drank diet for three months and I was like I can't and then I started drinking soda water because I like the bubbles and now I'm good I drink soda water that's all I drink like a gentleman like a fucking gentleman I don't do lime my coffee's black my LaCroix is limeless damn you're dangerous I'm

00:12:34.000 dangerous as fuck you live in the jungle yeah with LaCroix all I need when they say what do you need if you were in the jungle alone I need LaCroix and I don't know is it LaCroix or LaCroix who knows how do you say it depends on how much of a cock you are yeah you're a real piece of shit if you order a LaCroix LaCroix LaCroix LaCroix just say croissant and LaCroix or LaCroix yeah your face is like your kids because you don't notice and you're going to notice this as your child gets older you don't notice

00:13:04.000 that they're getting bigger.

00:13:05.000 you kind of know they're getting bigger right but then someone who hasn't seen him in four months they'll come home and go holy shit look how big he is like oh he got bigger yeah i just see him every day i never uh yeah i don't even notice it now like and it's he's been, he's two months, but I don't even notice it.

00:13:18.000 And then I look at pictures back and I'm like, oh, he was a little.

00:13:21.000 Man, it's just they're, yeah.

00:13:22.000 They grow every, because they're so small, they grow exponentially every day.

00:13:25.000 They're like a fucking X-Men.

00:13:26.000 Dude, it's the weirdest thing ever when they start talking to you.

00:13:29.000 Wait till they start talking to you.

00:13:30.000 You're going to be like, oh, it's going to blow my mind.

00:13:33.000 It hurts.

00:13:35.000 There's so much love that it's like your body's like, oh.

00:13:39.000 Dude, when I saw my kid for the first time, I broke down.

00:13:44.000 I broke down.

00:13:45.000 I started crying like tears like shooting out like a Japanimation character.

00:13:51.000 And at that point, I was like, am I going to be the guy who cries or not?

00:13:54.000 And then I thought, fuck it.

00:13:56.000 And then I just cried for two days straight.

00:13:58.000 When my dad came in, he broke down.

00:13:58.000 Wow.

00:14:01.000 And he saw me holding him.

00:14:03.000 He broke down.

00:14:03.000 And then I broke down.

00:14:04.000 The only one that wasn't crying was the fucking baby.

00:14:07.000 The baby's like, these motherfuckers are going to take care of me.

00:14:09.000 These pussies, they cry over nothing.

00:14:12.000 I'm bored.

00:14:13.000 People are born every day.

00:14:15.000 Jesus Christ.

00:14:17.000 What kind of a fucking dad do I have?

00:14:19.000 I know.

00:14:19.000 And grandpa?

00:14:20.000 Imagine that.

00:14:21.000 When you're a kid, you just got to hope.

00:14:23.000 You're just like, come on, Sam.

00:14:25.000 You got to hope you got a good family.

00:14:27.000 Like, you got no call.

00:14:31.000 They have to take care of you.

00:14:32.000 When you see people that are shitty parents.

00:14:34.000 I know.

00:14:35.000 And we took in this dog we found on the street.

00:14:39.000 And this motherfucker, dude, this dog lives in fucking Beverly Hills now.

00:14:44.000 We found him near Target in fucking Van Nuys.

00:14:47.000 You just found him?

00:14:48.000 Found him running around.

00:14:49.000 Picked him up.

00:14:50.000 What kind of dog?

00:14:51.000 Who knows?

00:14:52.000 You know what I mean?

00:14:53.000 One of these dogs where you're like, what kind of dog is that?

00:14:55.000 And then I got to be like, dude, I don't fucking know.

00:14:57.000 Mine?

00:14:58.000 And so.

00:14:59.000 So he just took it.

00:15:00.000 Took it.

00:15:01.000 Bring, bring, bring, we bring that fucking motherfucker from the valley deep, like Satakoi.

00:15:08.000 You know what I mean?

00:15:10.000 To Beverly Hills.

00:15:12.000 You understand?

00:15:13.000 And this dog fucking runs away every three days.

00:15:15.000 Does it?

00:15:16.000 Yeah, dude.

00:15:17.000 Oh, it's one of those dogs.

00:15:18.000 Every three fucking days.

00:15:19.000 Oh, it's one of those dogs.

00:15:20.000 And we're trying to take care of this motherfucker.

00:15:22.000 And it's been about six, five months now.

00:15:24.000 Dude, he's run away probably 15 times.

00:15:29.000 And I'm running around in my fucking boxers and just a shirt.

00:15:32.000 And you're like, dude, you hit the lotto.

00:15:33.000 Yeah.

00:15:34.000 Do you not get it?

00:15:34.000 I'm like, dude, you don't understand.

00:15:35.000 You get fed every day, the good food.

00:15:37.000 Yeah.

00:15:38.000 You got other dogs here.

00:15:39.000 Everybody likes you.

00:15:40.000 This is fun.

00:15:41.000 You got a big backyard.

00:15:42.000 Jump in the fucking pool if you want.

00:15:45.000 I got LaCroix, motherfucker.

00:15:47.000 Have it.

00:15:47.000 La Croix.

00:15:48.000 And this LaCoix in his pool.

00:15:50.000 And this dog is just every chance he gets.

00:15:53.000 Fuck it.

00:15:54.000 Every chance he fucking gets, dude, I get so mad.

00:15:57.000 My friend Shaheen has a dog that climbs fences and escapes.

00:16:01.000 It climbs.

00:16:02.000 They got video of this little dog climbing the fence, climbing a fucking fence and escaping.

00:16:07.000 Dogs are getting fucking dogs are getting advanced.

00:16:09.000 They're like Asian girls with asses.

00:16:10.000 They're getting fucking advanced.

00:16:12.000 He's gone now.

00:16:13.000 He vanished.

00:16:15.000 There you go.

00:16:16.000 Coyotes got him or bobcats.

00:16:16.000 Of course he did.

00:16:18.000 There's a lot of bobcats out here now.

00:16:20.000 You posted a few of the other things.

00:16:20.000 No shit.

00:16:21.000 Dude, in my neighborhood, there's quite a few.

00:16:24.000 There's a video in my neighborhood of a bobcat scrapping with a rattlesnake in the middle of the street.

00:16:30.000 What is this?

00:16:31.000 It's just the end of the world, man.

00:16:33.000 The end of the world, as we know it.

00:16:35.000 My uncle is like, we call him Dark Mike because he always brings the fucking laughter to a screeching halt.

00:16:42.000 Like he'll be like, you know, Uncle Mike, but he'll be like, he'll be like, we'll be having a good time.

00:16:47.000 And he'll be like, you know, my neighbor the other day, he has a cat, and he checked the backyard.

00:16:52.000 The only thing was left was the cat's face.

00:16:54.000 And we're like, what?

00:16:55.000 And he's like, yeah, Bobcat's got it.

00:16:56.000 And we're like, we're having a good time.

00:16:58.000 So he told us one time where he knew a guy who had this dog that would scale the wall and jump over.

00:17:06.000 So he tried to stop the dog by leashing him up.

00:17:09.000 The dog jumped over, hung himself.

00:17:12.000 Imagine.

00:17:14.000 That's what I'm saying.

00:17:14.000 These dogs don't know how good they fucking have it.

00:17:16.000 This is a dumb dog.

00:17:18.000 Are dogs smart?

00:17:19.000 I mean, some dogs are smart.

00:17:20.000 Smart for a dog.

00:17:21.000 Yes.

00:17:22.000 Smart for a dog.

00:17:23.000 German chepards are smart.

00:17:24.000 Those motherfuckers are...

00:17:28.000 You have to take it running.

00:17:29.000 You have to do it.

00:17:30.000 Because they are badass dogs.

00:17:31.000 They get bored.

00:17:32.000 They're like, hey, hey, hey, hey, I'm an athlete.

00:17:35.000 Come on.

00:17:35.000 I know.

00:17:36.000 Let's go.

00:17:36.000 I know.

00:17:37.000 Time to do some shit.

00:17:38.000 But I saw, like, I don't know if it was like a tweet the other day, but it's like, you know, we all are staying inside now, and it's been like two, three weeks, four weeks, whatever.

00:17:45.000 That's how dogs are all the time.

00:17:47.000 And I was like, oh man, my dogs are maybe they're bored.

00:17:49.000 Oh, yeah, they definitely get bored.

00:17:50.000 I got two Yorkies, and they're kind of just like lap dogs, but I got another dog that's big, and then this fucking little one that I don't know what it is.

00:17:56.000 The one that keeps running away.

00:17:58.000 We call him, what do we call him?

00:18:00.000 Dirt trash dog.

00:18:02.000 Because he's always fucking in the trash.

00:18:04.000 You should call him Cool Hand Luke because he always escapes.

00:18:06.000 This guy treats up fucking.

00:18:06.000 No, dude.

00:18:10.000 Movie God, he is a failure to communicate.

00:18:12.000 Yeah.

00:18:13.000 He treats my nice house like it's fucking Angola.

00:18:15.000 It's so fucking annoying, dude.

00:18:18.000 I get offended at my house.

00:18:19.000 I'm like, this is a nice place.

00:18:21.000 We took you in, you piece of shit.

00:18:22.000 Well, he's probably been roaming forever.

00:18:24.000 They get used to roaming.

00:18:26.000 Yeah.

00:18:26.000 It's like fun for them.

00:18:27.000 If they get accustomed to roaming around the neighborhood, yeah.

00:18:30.000 I take my dog out all the time because we live in an area where I can take him.

00:18:35.000 It's only like a few minutes from some trails.

00:18:36.000 Gotcha, yeah.

00:18:37.000 So I take him.

00:18:38.000 He's awesome.

00:18:38.000 I run with him.

00:18:39.000 And we have a yard, so I'll throw the ball in the yard.

00:18:41.000 I'll run with him.

00:18:42.000 We swim together.

00:18:44.000 He's the best.

00:18:46.000 You've never met my dog.

00:18:47.000 No, but I've seen the pigs.

00:18:48.000 He's fucking so cute.

00:18:49.000 I love it.

00:18:50.000 I've never had a golden retriever before.

00:18:51.000 They're the nicest dogs ever.

00:18:53.000 Everybody he meets is like his new best friend.

00:18:56.000 You're like, you're my best friend.

00:18:57.000 I can't believe you're here.

00:18:59.000 If you came over to my house, he'd be like, ooh, ooh, ooh.

00:18:59.000 Everyone.

00:19:01.000 He'd run around you in circles.

00:19:03.000 They're the nicest dogs, man.

00:19:05.000 They're so nice.

00:19:06.000 It took me, well, one of the dogs we have is a mix.

00:19:09.000 It's a golden and I think Collie.

00:19:11.000 And he's black, like a full black coat.

00:19:13.000 And he's just so great, man.

00:19:15.000 Collies are great dogs, too.

00:19:16.000 That's a good combination.

00:19:18.000 Yeah.

00:19:19.000 One of those dogs that you want to just take a little bit of the blood and then make another one.

00:19:22.000 Some people do that.

00:19:23.000 How weird is that?

00:19:23.000 I know.

00:19:24.000 Crazy, yeah.

00:19:25.000 That's weird.

00:19:25.000 Yeah, but you'll be doing it one day.

00:19:28.000 You'll have to.

00:19:29.000 You'll have a guy here that'll be like, oh, but I'm not sure.

00:19:30.000 I want to find out what's next.

00:19:32.000 I've had a bunch of different dogs with different personalities that I loved all of them.

00:19:36.000 Yeah, that's true.

00:19:37.000 I'd like fresh.

00:19:38.000 Yeah.

00:19:38.000 I don't want, like, my last dog was a mastiff.

00:19:43.000 His name is Johnny Cash.

00:19:44.000 He was a sweetheart of a dog, but he's different than Marshall, and Marshall's a sweetheart of a dog.

00:19:49.000 They're just all different, man.

00:19:51.000 But as long as you, the thing is, rescue dogs, I've had a couple of rescue dogs.

00:19:56.000 They're just tricky.

00:19:57.000 One of them was amazing, and one of them killed my other dog.

00:19:59.000 Are you shitting me?

00:20:00.000 Yeah, no.

00:20:01.000 Yeah, I had a female pit bull that was like, she was a prison dog.

00:20:05.000 They was in the LA animal shelters, a no-kill shelter.

00:20:07.000 So they had her in here for a long time.

00:20:10.000 She was in there for a good portion of her life.

00:20:13.000 And she would fight other dogs over attention.

00:20:16.000 Like if anybody was petting the other dog, she would come over and bite them.

00:20:20.000 Like she wanted all the attention.

00:20:21.000 She thought you were stealing attention from her.

00:20:24.000 She was rough.

00:20:25.000 I know people like that.

00:20:26.000 But I know.

00:20:27.000 Yeah.

00:20:27.000 It's true.

00:20:28.000 Especially comics.

00:20:28.000 Yes.

00:20:29.000 But in real life, like with just people, she was amazing.

00:20:32.000 She was the best dog ever.

00:20:33.000 You would think she had the best personality.

00:20:35.000 But if another dog came near, she was the first one.

00:20:37.000 This is the prison dog.

00:20:38.000 Yeah, the prison dog.

00:20:39.000 And this prison dog killed another dog.

00:20:42.000 Kill the dog that they had.

00:20:43.000 That was also a rescue dog.

00:20:44.000 That's brutal.

00:20:45.000 Yeah, it was brutal.

00:20:47.000 So I've had rescue dogs that were great, and then I've had rescue dogs that were sketchy.

00:20:52.000 But when you raise them from the time they're a puppy, then you get a chance to just, they know.

00:20:57.000 You're going to give them love.

00:20:58.000 Like, this is my home.

00:21:00.000 Everybody loves me.

00:21:02.000 Give them good food.

00:21:03.000 You pet them.

00:21:03.000 You give them kisses.

00:21:04.000 You cuddle and snuggle with them.

00:21:05.000 And they know that to expect you.

00:21:07.000 So they grow up.

00:21:08.000 They don't have all these weird anxieties.

00:21:09.000 Like one of my rescue dogs, she could not stop eating.

00:21:13.000 She was starving when I found her.

00:21:15.000 She had mange.

00:21:16.000 It was horrible all over her body.

00:21:18.000 And then she would escape.

00:21:20.000 She would climb under my fence, knock over the neighbors' garbage cans, eat all the garbage, and come back in.

00:21:26.000 Her belly was like bloated.

00:21:27.000 I'm like, what the fuck have you eaten?

00:21:29.000 She was just eating garbage.

00:21:30.000 Her neighbors are like, who's taking this trash out?

00:21:33.000 Trash was everywhere.

00:21:34.000 It was scattered all over the place.

00:21:35.000 Then I had to figure it out.

00:21:36.000 So then we had to dig into the ground and make sure that the fence went deeper into the ground.

00:21:43.000 She couldn't go under it anymore.

00:21:44.000 Yeah.

00:21:45.000 She would lie on her back and like her sideways and she was like wiggling under the fence to get to the neighbor's trash and then come back.

00:21:52.000 And so I didn't even know.

00:21:54.000 Yeah.

00:21:54.000 So I didn't even know she was going to be back.

00:21:54.000 Oh, wow.

00:21:55.000 She came back fatter?

00:21:56.000 That's hilarious.

00:21:57.000 My neighbor had explained.

00:21:57.000 He goes, hey, man, your fucking dog is eating my trash.

00:22:00.000 I was like, really?

00:22:01.000 And he goes, yeah.

00:22:02.000 He goes, the girl dog.

00:22:03.000 I go, no way.

00:22:04.000 I go, but she's always in.

00:22:05.000 He goes, dude, she gets back in.

00:22:07.000 He goes, she sneaks under your fence and comes back.

00:22:09.000 Wow.

00:22:10.000 That is so fucking hilarious that your dog had you.

00:22:12.000 Yeah.

00:22:13.000 Oh, she had me.

00:22:14.000 Wow.

00:22:14.000 She, she, yeah.

00:22:16.000 But she would eat the cat's food.

00:22:18.000 She would try to eat my other dog's food.

00:22:20.000 She was just psychologically scarred.

00:22:22.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:22:23.000 When I got her, she was starving.

00:22:25.000 She had all ribs.

00:22:27.000 And then within like two months, she had a full coat of hair and she looked great again.

00:22:31.000 All her mange was gone.

00:22:32.000 I had to give her this medicated shampoo that kills the mange.

00:22:36.000 She was a great dog, but she had psychological problems because of the food.

00:22:40.000 I had, yeah, this dog, Chenzo, we call him.

00:22:40.000 Yeah.

00:22:45.000 Chenzo, the prisoner?

00:22:46.000 Chenzo, the trash dog, yeah.

00:22:49.000 Chenzo from Angola.

00:22:52.000 And I live next to a really, I don't want to say who because I don't want people to know where I live or where they live, but a really famous athlete, like a really famous athlete, like talking about like world famous.

00:23:06.000 And Chenzo digs under the thing and goes to their house.

00:23:13.000 Oh, no.

00:23:13.000 And I'm like this bullshit comedian, right?

00:23:16.000 I'm like this comedian that's like lucky to live next to this world famous athlete, okay?

00:23:22.000 And they're never home, of course, because they have however many houses they have.

00:23:25.000 So I have to, every time, and this has been like about 15 times, Chenzo goes under my fence to get to this world famous athlete's house, I got to hop the fucking gate.

00:23:40.000 This fucking C-rate comedian hopping the gate from this A-list, A-list athlete.

00:23:47.000 It's like he probably has security cameras.

00:23:49.000 I rape at them, bro.

00:23:52.000 I'm like, there's no way I'm doing this sneakily.

00:23:55.000 So I guess I got to just be me.

00:23:58.000 100%.

00:23:59.000 Sorry.

00:24:00.000 100%.

00:24:01.000 With this trash dog.

00:24:03.000 Just fucking, and I'm in the back.

00:24:05.000 And I'm like, oh, this is nice.

00:24:06.000 This place is nice as fuck.

00:24:07.000 And I'm in the backyard grab.

00:24:08.000 Come here, buddy.

00:24:09.000 And he won't come to me.

00:24:10.000 You know what I mean?

00:24:10.000 He's like, this place is much better over here.

00:24:13.000 And I'm like, come on, buddy, come on.

00:24:14.000 And he'll run.

00:24:15.000 And finally, he'll come to me.

00:24:16.000 And then I got to hop back over with the fucking.

00:24:20.000 And I just know that they're looking at their security camera and they're like, is that the guy from Whitney?

00:24:23.000 Do you know what I mean?

00:24:25.000 And I'm like, people still know me from this motherfucker.

00:24:28.000 This fucking dog, man.

00:24:30.000 So I've been to your house, world famous athlete.

00:24:32.000 I'm sorry.

00:24:32.000 Sorry.

00:24:33.000 Got a prison dog.

00:24:35.000 Got cool hand Luke wants to escape.

00:24:39.000 Cool handcenzo.

00:24:40.000 That fucking, a dog can make your life awesome or they could be a giant pain in the ass.

00:24:45.000 I know.

00:24:47.000 Let him escape.

00:24:48.000 Fuck him.

00:24:49.000 I got to that point.

00:24:50.000 And my girl was like, we can't.

00:24:52.000 You can't.

00:24:52.000 I'm like, all right.

00:24:53.000 Because here's the thing.

00:24:54.000 I have this thing in my life where if something happens and it's really bad, I go through it.

00:25:00.000 And then when it gets better, if it happens again, it's much easier to go through it again.

00:25:04.000 I feel like a lot of people are like that.

00:25:04.000 You understand?

00:25:06.000 But the first time the dog ran away, I was like broken.

00:25:09.000 The second time I was like, oh, fuck.

00:25:11.000 The third time I was like, all right, if this motherfucker wants to get out of here, fuck him.

00:25:15.000 He obviously wants to leave.

00:25:16.000 Yeah.

00:25:16.000 And I know where you live.

00:25:18.000 Your area is coyotes.

00:25:19.000 Yeah.

00:25:20.000 Yeah.

00:25:20.000 I know.

00:25:21.000 They hang out.

00:25:22.000 They're out there, man.

00:25:23.000 If your dog zigs when he should have zagged.

00:25:25.000 I know.

00:25:26.000 He's going to get snatched.

00:25:26.000 They're fucked.

00:25:28.000 And I don't want to get him one of those spiky coyote vests.

00:25:30.000 You know what I mean?

00:25:31.000 Those don't work.

00:25:32.000 No, there's no way.

00:25:33.000 Coyotes grab him by the face.

00:25:34.000 Yeah, I know.

00:25:35.000 They just eat them around the vest.

00:25:38.000 All it'll be left is the fucking body.

00:25:40.000 The face.

00:25:41.000 They'll eat their guts.

00:25:41.000 Yeah.

00:25:43.000 Yeah.

00:25:43.000 Oh, the body, right?

00:25:44.000 Yeah, dude, they're awful.

00:25:46.000 Those fucking cunts, they're awful.

00:25:46.000 I know.

00:25:48.000 I see them.

00:25:49.000 I drive by, I slow down and I look at them and they just look back.

00:25:52.000 Yeah.

00:25:53.000 Yeah, my oldest daughter lost a puppy to one.

00:25:57.000 It's terrible.

00:25:58.000 They're terrible.

00:25:58.000 It's terrible.

00:25:59.000 How old Was your daughter when that happened?

00:26:01.000 She was 22.

00:26:02.000 23, 23.

00:26:03.000 That's just brutal.

00:26:06.000 It's just part of living in California.

00:26:08.000 They're everywhere, man.

00:26:10.000 They're all in Burbank now.

00:26:12.000 I was driving down Olive and I saw three coyotes.

00:26:14.000 I'm like, in the day.

00:26:17.000 Wow.

00:26:18.000 And now, because there's no one driving, apparently they're everywhere.

00:26:22.000 They're all over the place now.

00:26:23.000 I saw, dude, I was in Burbank once.

00:26:27.000 It was probably one.

00:26:29.000 We were going to In-N-Out.

00:26:30.000 So, and it was about to close.

00:26:32.000 And it was like one, you know, whatever, 1 a.m. whenever they close.

00:26:35.000 And I was 21 at the time.

00:26:38.000 My buddy was driving.

00:26:39.000 I was in the passenger seat.

00:26:40.000 And we were crossing the bridge to the downtown Burbank.

00:26:45.000 I don't know if you've ever been there.

00:26:46.000 Maybe you know, but like there's a bridge from like the valley to where you cross.

00:26:50.000 It's very little, but I was crossing this bridge and there was all of a sudden across the bridge, a deer runs across the bridge in front of the car, gets scared of our car and jumps off the bridge.

00:27:04.000 Yeah, it jumps off the bridge.

00:27:06.000 So there were three of us in the car.

00:27:08.000 We all went like a movie.

00:27:12.000 Yeah.

00:27:12.000 Like bitches.

00:27:13.000 Like straight up, we all went, ah!

00:27:15.000 And he kept driving because he was shocked.

00:27:17.000 And I was like, hold on, you know, stop.

00:27:20.000 And he just drove, he kept driving.

00:27:22.000 And then, and I, and, and he was like, did you see that?

00:27:24.000 That was a fucking deer.

00:27:25.000 And I convinced myself, I was like, I think about this like every three months.

00:27:30.000 I was like, that couldn't have happened, right?

00:27:33.000 Like, first of all, a deer in downtown Burbank and then just jumping to its death.

00:27:38.000 And he was like, well, it was scared because of the car.

00:27:39.000 And I was like, maybe like your headlights hit it weird and maybe it was like a bag.

00:27:44.000 And my buddy said, fuck you, dude.

00:27:46.000 It was a deer and you know it.

00:27:47.000 And I was like trying to convince myself that it was just a bag in the light because it was dark, but it was absolutely a fucking deer, man.

00:27:53.000 So it just jumped over the fence.

00:27:55.000 That happens all the time on bridges, you know?

00:27:57.000 No, I didn't know that.

00:27:58.000 Yeah, deer jump to their death all the time.

00:28:00.000 It's a common thing.

00:28:01.000 They jump to their death into the river.

00:28:03.000 They jump to their death and land on the highway.

00:28:06.000 Yeah, they're not that bright.

00:28:07.000 I mean, sure.

00:28:08.000 And they panic.

00:28:09.000 Yeah, this thing fucking panics.

00:28:11.000 They see lights.

00:28:12.000 They see headlights.

00:28:13.000 That's why that's expression.

00:28:15.000 Deer headlights.

00:28:16.000 Yeah.

00:28:16.000 They don't know what the fuck to do.

00:28:18.000 Look at these deer jumping off to their deck.

00:28:20.000 They're so fucked.

00:28:21.000 Yeah, that's exactly what.

00:28:22.000 Yeah, so it wasn't a bag.

00:28:24.000 What's in the back?

00:28:27.000 Who knows, though?

00:28:31.000 They're just like, this is the day we do it.

00:28:32.000 They can swim.

00:28:33.000 I've seen deer swim.

00:28:35.000 When Callan and I went deer hunting, we watched these deer swim away from us.

00:28:38.000 Dude, that video where he's talking about shitting his pants is the funny...

00:28:48.000 You with tears in your eyes, holding up camo on, trying to be quiet.

00:28:52.000 That's like the perfect storm for shit that I think is funny.

00:28:56.000 Well, when Callan and I, the first time we went, we were in Montana for six days camping, and it was one long either gay or shit joke.

00:29:06.000 Of course.

00:29:07.000 This is in Wisconsin.

00:29:09.000 This makes me laugh.

00:29:10.000 Yeah.

00:29:10.000 That's my friend Doug behind us, Doug Duran.

00:29:12.000 Shout out to Doug.

00:29:13.000 Yeah.

00:29:16.000 We're both 46 and I'd be out.

00:29:16.000 You know what's funny about that?

00:29:21.000 Wow, this is six years ago.

00:29:24.000 Crazy.

00:29:25.000 I took a s ⁇ in my backyard.

00:29:27.000 I couldn't make it to the toilet.

00:29:27.000 I had to.

00:29:29.000 He's shitting his backyard.

00:29:36.000 And I came up to my wife and I said, in the interest of our marriage, please don't go in the backyard.

00:29:36.000 Let's make it.

00:29:40.000 I look at the s that I took.

00:29:42.000 She goes, you can't tell me that.

00:29:47.000 I go, don't go for my marriage.

00:29:48.000 I just hear.

00:29:52.000 Her father comes running out the cup of being died.

00:29:55.000 She goes, "Get away, Dad.

00:29:56.000 Get away." One time.

00:30:00.000 Stop it.

00:30:01.000 I got your sh*t out of my car.

00:30:02.000 I am not.

00:30:03.000 She's a f*cker.

00:30:05.000 I opened my door.

00:30:07.000 I was in Washington, D.C. on Wisconsin Avenue, and I pulled my pants out and stuck just by 100 miles an hour.

00:30:20.000 And I wouldn't walk by with her dog.

00:30:22.000 The other guy.

00:30:23.000 That's Doug.

00:30:23.000 The other guy.

00:30:24.000 I'm sorry.

00:30:25.000 She walked by with her dog.

00:30:26.000 She just turned her heads.

00:30:28.000 I'm sorry.

00:30:30.000 That's a good thing to say.

00:30:32.000 That couldn't have been, if that was done on stage or any other situation, it wouldn't have been as funny.

00:30:36.000 Like, that's so funny that you guys had to be quiet.

00:30:39.000 Yeah, well, you get bored.

00:30:41.000 I know.

00:30:41.000 You're sitting here where we're standing by this field because it's loopy.

00:30:44.000 Because you're looping.

00:30:45.000 I'm hoping a deer comes out, and then Brian starts talking about shitting himself.

00:30:49.000 I love shit like that, man.

00:30:49.000 Oh, fuck, man.

00:30:51.000 I love shit like that.

00:30:53.000 If you, I think if you, like, any age is funny, the shitting, shitting yourself is funny.

00:31:02.000 Yeah, except when you're really old, then it's sad.

00:31:05.000 No, but what I'm saying is, if you're 80 and you heard that story, you'd still laugh.

00:31:09.000 Not if it happened to you when you were 85.

00:31:10.000 If it happened to you when you're 80, then it's sad.

00:31:12.000 Especially if you're a lady.

00:31:13.000 Like, if I'm an 85-year-old man and I shit myself, feel free to laugh for me.

00:31:16.000 Sure.

00:31:17.000 It's okay.

00:31:17.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:31:18.000 We have your permission.

00:31:19.000 Yeah, but old ladies, it's like, oh.

00:31:21.000 The last time I've only shit myself once, and I was, I think, 11.

00:31:30.000 What?

00:31:31.000 You're not taking enough chances.

00:31:31.000 Yes.

00:31:34.000 I've almost shit myself and just made it so many times.

00:31:40.000 But the last time I almost shit myself and I had to pull over was when I was going to meet Eminem.

00:31:47.000 Yeah.

00:31:50.000 Imagine if you came over his house smelling like shit with no underwear on.

00:31:54.000 You had to take your underwear off and throw.

00:31:56.000 And then you have to figure out what to do.

00:31:57.000 So then you take your socks off.

00:31:59.000 100%.

00:31:59.000 You wipe yourself down.

00:32:00.000 This guy's not wearing socks.

00:32:01.000 Then why does it smell like shit?

00:32:05.000 And so I was in this, the Sprinter van and we were going, you know, I was on tour.

00:32:09.000 So I had the Sprinter van and we were going to the...

00:32:12.000 It was because you make fun of him.

00:32:14.000 Yeah.

00:32:14.000 And so he thought it was funny.

00:32:16.000 So I was at my old house.

00:32:16.000 Right.

00:32:18.000 This was maybe two years ago at this point.

00:32:20.000 And I was in the driveway.

00:32:22.000 I don't remember what I was doing, but I was waiting for something.

00:32:25.000 And it had been right around the time where like Eminem's album came out or something.

00:32:29.000 So he was on my mind and I was like, I was thinking about him and then I was just like, this is how he raps.

00:32:35.000 And then I just started doing it to the radio and then I was like, oh, this is funny.

00:32:39.000 I'm going to record it.

00:32:40.000 And then I recorded it one time and I was just like, oh, that's funny.

00:32:44.000 I'll put it online.

00:32:45.000 And I put it online and it got, you know, traction for me.

00:32:50.000 It was like, it had a lot of hits for me on my Instagram.

00:32:53.000 And I was like, cool, great.

00:32:55.000 And then like a month later, black Twitter took it and just was like, yo, this guy says this is how, they didn't know, nobody knew who I was, but they were like, this is, this guy says this is how Eminem raps.

00:33:08.000 And then it got millions of things of hits on Twitter.

00:33:11.000 And then it got so big, my buddies were like, you think Eminem has probably seen it, right?

00:33:16.000 And I was like, it's so big.

00:33:18.000 Maybe.

00:33:19.000 One of his buddies must have seen it and showed him.

00:33:22.000 And then like a week or two later, my buddy texted me, one of the writers from that show I used to do on Datable.

00:33:28.000 And he was like, bro, Eminem.

00:33:29.000 And I was like, what?

00:33:30.000 And he was like, you didn't see?

00:33:32.000 Check Twitter and I checked.

00:33:33.000 And then he was like, I thought this was me.

00:33:36.000 And I was like, what?

00:33:39.000 Like, that's like, if you told the 20-year-old me that M ⁇ M was going to, and then he started being like, I will rap battle Crystalia one day.

00:33:46.000 I don't know if you saw that.

00:33:47.000 No, I didn't see that.

00:33:48.000 He was like, I'm going to rap Battle Crystalia one day.

00:33:48.000 Yeah.

00:33:50.000 And I'm like, am I in the hip-hop game now?

00:33:57.000 And then, I don't know how much you know about this, but then Logic, the rapper, hit me up.

00:34:03.000 Oh, my manager called me and he was like, hey, so look, you know who Logic is.

00:34:11.000 Every manager has that voice.

00:34:14.000 So, look, Josh Lieberman.

00:34:17.000 So, look, I don't know if you know the Logic and rapper.

00:34:22.000 And I was like, of course I do.

00:34:23.000 And he was like, all right, so look, he's doing a song with Eminem, and they are rapping together.

00:34:29.000 And Eminem put you, your impression of Eminem on the back of the song.

00:34:35.000 And they're wondering if that's okay.

00:34:37.000 And I was like, of course that's okay.

00:34:40.000 And he was like, all right, I'm going to look into it and see.

00:34:41.000 I'm like, no, no, no, no.

00:34:43.000 Don't ask for any money.

00:34:45.000 Just let them have it.

00:34:46.000 Are you kidding me that this is even happening?

00:34:48.000 He was like, okay, I'll know.

00:34:49.000 Okay.

00:34:50.000 And so then he comes back.

00:34:52.000 He's like, Logic wants your number.

00:34:53.000 And I was like, yeah, okay.

00:34:54.000 So I'm talking to Logic and Logic's like, so I have a great idea for the video.

00:34:58.000 I want you to play M ⁇ M in this video.

00:35:00.000 No.

00:35:00.000 Have you seen this video?

00:35:03.000 No.

00:35:04.000 I wish we could play it on the screen.

00:35:05.000 I know, but we can't.

00:35:06.000 But Google it if you're listening.

00:35:08.000 Everyone, Google it.

00:35:11.000 We're looking at it on the screen.

00:35:13.000 Oh, yeah, you could see it, right?

00:35:13.000 Yeah, right there.

00:35:14.000 But not play it.

00:35:16.000 So I'm playing Eminem in this video.

00:35:18.000 I wrap his part.

00:35:23.000 And now this is the crazy part, okay?

00:35:26.000 So I'm talking to Logic here, and I play this super fan of Eminem.

00:35:32.000 And he's like, I have an idea.

00:35:35.000 I want, we're doing a video.

00:35:36.000 And I'm like, I'm way ahead of you.

00:35:38.000 This is where I'm way ahead of you.

00:35:39.000 And then I take off my wig and I've always been an Eminem like stan.

00:35:43.000 And this is me doing.

00:35:45.000 You got to watch this video.

00:35:46.000 I'll watch it as soon as we're done here.

00:35:48.000 So I'm doing this video as Eminem, right?

00:35:51.000 And we shoot this.

00:35:52.000 And then at the end, you've seen the video where I do the impression of Eminem.

00:35:56.000 At the end, Dahlia doesn't play me.

00:35:59.000 I play Delia.

00:36:00.000 This is Eminem dressed as me.

00:36:04.000 That's Eminem doing me in my car in my driveway two years ago.

00:36:07.000 Oh, that's ridiculous.

00:36:12.000 Band again players.

00:36:13.000 Oh, that's hilarious.

00:36:16.000 But so.

00:36:18.000 And like to think of me as a 20-year-old, like thinking, like finding out who Eminem was and then him becoming one of my favorite rappers, of course.

00:36:25.000 And then it's just such a weird fucking thing.

00:36:29.000 So that was mind-blowing.

00:36:32.000 And then on the way to meet him, I shit my fucking, I had to pull the sprinter van over and he has no idea, but dude, it was so funny.

00:36:38.000 It was just one of those things where I was like, I think, you know how you have to, you're like, I think I have to shit.

00:36:44.000 And the next thought is, I got to shit right now.

00:36:47.000 Right now.

00:36:48.000 You know what I mean?

00:36:48.000 Like there's no thinking involved.

00:36:50.000 It's like, oh, it turned into uh oh, exactly, right.

00:36:53.000 Clinch.

00:36:54.000 So I say to the sprinter, to the driver, I say, hey, buddy, can you pull off the freeway?

00:36:59.000 I got a, in my head, I'm like, I got time if there's a bathroom near, right?

00:37:04.000 So I'm like, can you pull over and find the first place?

00:37:08.000 I got to go to the bathroom.

00:37:09.000 And he says, okay.

00:37:10.000 And then a few seconds go by and I say, hey, just so you know, like now, you know, because I'm working on something here.

00:37:19.000 I got to go.

00:37:20.000 And he says, sure enough, no problem.

00:37:21.000 So he pulls off and there are two ways he can go.

00:37:27.000 And one way he can go, there is only a hospital, okay?

00:37:32.000 And the other way he can go is into town.

00:37:35.000 So I'm like, in my head, I'm like, it sucks, but we got to go to the hospital.

00:37:41.000 And I got to use the bathroom in the hospital.

00:37:44.000 They're going to think something's wrong, but I'm just going to be like, where's the bathroom?

00:37:44.000 And I'm going to run in.

00:37:46.000 I got to go.

00:37:48.000 This guy goes the other way into town to find a gas station.

00:37:52.000 So now I'm mad.

00:37:53.000 So now I have to shit and I'm mad.

00:37:54.000 So I say to the guy, hey man, pull over.

00:37:59.000 And he pulls over and I open the thing and there were Kleenex there.

00:38:01.000 I grabbed him and I ran into someone's yard.

00:38:05.000 No.

00:38:07.000 It was in the middle of nowhere, dude.

00:38:08.000 We were on our way to Detroit.

00:38:11.000 And I was in someone's yard.

00:38:15.000 I found trees, thank God, pulled down my pants, and it all came out quick.

00:38:21.000 And was it diarrhea or was it shit?

00:38:24.000 It was not shit.

00:38:26.000 It was not shit.

00:38:27.000 It was just like, right?

00:38:31.000 Came out like a barking dog.

00:38:34.000 And it was over.

00:38:35.000 It was over before it even started, you know?

00:38:38.000 And I was, I know, I felt so much better.

00:38:40.000 And then I used the Kleenex and my opener is in the thing filming me.

00:38:45.000 I'm like, bro, I swear to God, if that ends up on Instagram, I will fucking, you're done.

00:38:52.000 You're done.

00:38:54.000 And not only that, you're not meeting M ⁇ M. I'm screwed.

00:38:57.000 Shit in someone's yard.

00:38:58.000 Hey, you're not meeting M ⁇ M if you Post that and just in some random guy's yard.

00:39:05.000 And so now I feel great.

00:39:09.000 I wipe with the Kleenex, and I just, I'm sorry, I littered, but I left the Kleenex.

00:39:13.000 So, what am I going to do?

00:39:14.000 What are you going to do?

00:39:15.000 And it was a lot.

00:39:16.000 And I was like, and I and I left.

00:39:19.000 I got back into the maze.

00:39:21.000 I was like, somebody's going to think there was a fucking bobcat in their yard.

00:39:23.000 Like, I just, and we went and we met M ⁇ M, and he had no idea.

00:39:27.000 Maybe he'll know now.

00:39:28.000 I'm sure he's seen this show.

00:39:31.000 But yeah, I shit myself on the way to fucking M ⁇ M. So I don't really count that as shitting myself.

00:39:36.000 You know what I mean?

00:39:37.000 Because I got outside and did it.

00:39:38.000 Yeah, it's a gray area.

00:39:40.000 You made it.

00:39:41.000 Yeah, I've shit myself many, too many to count for sure.

00:39:41.000 I made it.

00:39:45.000 But how many of those times were you on a substance?

00:39:50.000 No.

00:39:50.000 No, it's not.

00:39:51.000 That doesn't add to it.

00:39:52.000 No, it's usually when I'm in the car and I try to fart and I just fill my pants.

00:40:00.000 I'm like, no.

00:40:01.000 But the last time was, it's been a few years.

00:40:06.000 I did have a disaster happen in the shower not too long ago.

00:40:11.000 The best place to talk about it.

00:40:12.000 The best place to have it.

00:40:13.000 I had to shampoo.

00:40:15.000 I had to diarrhea it in the shower.

00:40:18.000 And then I had one of them hand things.

00:40:20.000 So I hosed it all down.

00:40:22.000 And I threw shampoo all over the floor.

00:40:24.000 And I washed the fuck in there for a second.

00:40:28.000 Shitty ass washing the floor of the Joe Rogan.

00:40:33.000 You had fucking Elon Musk on this show, and you're washing the floor of the fucking shower.

00:40:37.000 That's hilarious.

00:40:38.000 I've shit myself at least a dozen times a lifetime.

00:40:41.000 Solid.

00:40:43.000 I could bet a solid amount of money.

00:40:46.000 Have I shit my pants accidentally a dozen times?

00:40:49.000 Yeah.

00:40:50.000 I've never shit my pants.

00:40:50.000 Wow.

00:40:52.000 When I was a kid, I did.

00:40:53.000 Yeah.

00:40:54.000 Like I said, you need to take more chances.

00:40:56.000 Yeah.

00:40:57.000 I'm just clean, bro.

00:40:58.000 I just go before.

00:41:00.000 Yeah.

00:41:00.000 Things go bad sometimes.

00:41:02.000 I know.

00:41:02.000 There was one time where I was in New York and not, I mean, how much are we going to talk about shitting, but I was in New York and I felt good.

00:41:09.000 I woke up.

00:41:11.000 I woke up early, you know, because it was the plane ride and everything.

00:41:14.000 And I was like, I'm going to go fucking out in the city, you know?

00:41:17.000 I take a walk and I find one of those little kiosk places that sell the food.

00:41:21.000 I'm like, give me a fucking bagel with a bag.

00:41:22.000 A bodega?

00:41:23.000 Is that what you call it?

00:41:23.000 Yeah.

00:41:24.000 Give me a bagel with egg and cheese.

00:41:28.000 Bold move.

00:41:29.000 Is it?

00:41:30.000 Yeah, maybe from the bodega.

00:41:32.000 So I start eating it and I'm walking.

00:41:34.000 And then I take a few steps further and I'm blocks away and I'm like, huh.

00:41:39.000 I got to go bathroom.

00:41:40.000 All good.

00:41:41.000 Got to go bathroom.

00:41:42.000 Not a big deal.

00:41:43.000 And I take a few more steps and I'm like, oh, I got to really go to the bathroom.

00:41:46.000 And then I'm like, okay, so do I go back or do I find it?

00:41:48.000 This is New York City.

00:41:49.000 I'm going to find a, of course I'll find a toilet.

00:41:51.000 But it was too early.

00:41:52.000 Not many places were open.

00:41:53.000 And I'm like, isn't this fucking New York City, the city that never sleeps?

00:41:56.000 But they're all sleeping.

00:41:58.000 So I was like, I'm going to try and go head back.

00:42:01.000 I'll find a toilet on the way back.

00:42:02.000 And I'm walking back and there's no fucking, there's no shit on the way back.

00:42:06.000 So now I'm like, I got to get back to my hotel.

00:42:08.000 So I'm like, I had the moment where I was like, do I slow walk and look for a toilet or do I just book it and try to get back to the hotel?

00:42:14.000 So I was like, make or break time, book it.

00:42:16.000 So I'm running with this fucking, I threw the bagel down, you know, and I'm running to the hotel and I get to the, I was like, and I, and I was, and I got to the point where I got to the elevator and I was like, if this elevator isn't here on this floor, I'm shitting in the elevator.

00:42:28.000 So I hit the thing, boom, open.

00:42:30.000 I'm like, amazing, amazing.

00:42:32.000 Thank you, Jesus.

00:42:34.000 Even though, you know, I don't even really believe in it.

00:42:36.000 Maybe I do, maybe I don't, but so I get to the fucking, in the, in the elevator and I'm like, I got to start unbuttoning my pants right now because I don't have a second to spare.

00:42:43.000 So I start unbucking my pants.

00:42:45.000 Door opens, nobody's there.

00:42:46.000 Great.

00:42:47.000 I'm running down the hall, holding my pants, and I open the door to my hotel room, and it was set up to where there's the open, there's the door, then there's a little bit of space, and then there's the bathroom, and the toilet is here.

00:43:01.000 So I had it in my head.

00:43:02.000 I was like, okay, I'm just going to undo my pants, and I'm going to swing around and sit on the toilet.

00:43:09.000 And like, I don't have second, I don't have one second to spare.

00:43:11.000 So I'm like, I got this, I got the layout.

00:43:13.000 And I open the thing, the key's got to work.

00:43:14.000 It works perfect.

00:43:15.000 You know, sometimes you got to do it twice.

00:43:17.000 I get in, I swing around, and I'm taking my pants.

00:43:19.000 It's like the Matrix.

00:43:20.000 I'm swinging my pants, my butt, and my pants come in.

00:43:24.000 And I can't help it.

00:43:26.000 And at the last second, I just go and I spray the wall.

00:43:32.000 I just spraying the wall on the way to the toilet.

00:43:36.000 And I sit, and I got, and I, and I'm like, and I'm too happy.

00:43:39.000 I know I got to clean the bathroom, but I'm too happy.

00:43:41.000 Whew?

00:43:41.000 Because I made it illegal.

00:43:43.000 I made it.

00:43:44.000 You know what I mean?

00:43:44.000 I made it.

00:43:45.000 Yeah.

00:43:45.000 Imagine if you did pray to God that the elevator was there.

00:43:49.000 And then one day you fall off a cliff with a broken leg and you're dying.

00:43:53.000 And then you're like, please, God, save me.

00:43:55.000 And then God's like, no, you used that up.

00:43:58.000 Remember that you're going to get out of the way?

00:43:59.000 You used that up when you're shit at the cellar.

00:44:02.000 I got that elevator for you.

00:44:03.000 Do you remember that?

00:44:04.000 Yeah, that's it.

00:44:05.000 That was the one you get.

00:44:06.000 You get one.

00:44:08.000 I would still honestly be like, thank you.

00:44:11.000 I get it.

00:44:12.000 Just fill my pants up.

00:44:14.000 Fill my pants up.

00:44:15.000 Take it like a man.

00:44:16.000 Yeah.

00:44:17.000 make it up to that room.

00:44:18.000 You know, that's the thing about And after that, just from like bombing and everything, like, I don't really get embarrassed.

00:44:33.000 Not the same way?

00:44:33.000 Do you feel that?

00:44:34.000 Yeah, not the same way.

00:44:35.000 Like, if I shit my pants in public and everyone was like, ah, you shit your pants, I'd be like, you've all fucking shit your pants, assholes.

00:44:44.000 Yeah, exactly, 100%.

00:44:44.000 You have a bit now.

00:44:46.000 But before I did stand-up, I probably would have embarrassed him.

00:44:50.000 When you bomb in front of 300, 400, 1,000 people, there's nothing worse than that.

00:44:56.000 I'd rather shit my pants.

00:44:57.000 Also, you don't take yourself as seriously.

00:45:00.000 Because you can't really...

00:45:05.000 Your friends are always making fun of you.

00:45:07.000 No one's serious anymore.

00:45:09.000 No one's the cool guy.

00:45:09.000 There's no cool guy.

00:45:12.000 Everyone's a loser.

00:45:13.000 You're a loser.

00:45:14.000 I'm a loser.

00:45:14.000 We're losers.

00:45:16.000 There's moments in life where you take the L. I know.

00:45:20.000 And you just got to laugh.

00:45:22.000 I know.

00:45:23.000 Young guys don't know how to do that, though.

00:45:24.000 Young guys.

00:45:25.000 A lot of young guys.

00:45:26.000 No, because they want to be.

00:45:27.000 Want to be the cool guy.

00:45:28.000 Yeah, the cool guy.

00:45:29.000 But comedians, you have to, that's the one thing.

00:45:31.000 There are comedians out there that don't have that, which is odd.

00:45:34.000 They're not funny.

00:45:35.000 But I don't think they're funny, yeah.

00:45:36.000 But they can't be funny.

00:45:37.000 But you have to have humility.

00:45:38.000 Yes.

00:45:40.000 Like, I mean, take it from you.

00:45:41.000 You're an alpha, but you go on stage and you make fun of yourself.

00:45:44.000 Well, I'm retarded.

00:45:46.000 There's a lot of stuff to make fun of.

00:45:48.000 Everyone should make fun of themselves.

00:45:50.000 It's like it's half the fun.

00:45:52.000 Look, anytime you can make fun of something, as long as you're not terribly hurting someone's feelings, you have an opportunity for laughs.

00:45:59.000 Laughs are good.

00:46:00.000 Laughs make you feel better.

00:46:02.000 Trying to make somebody happy.

00:46:03.000 Yeah, and it makes you feel happy.

00:46:05.000 Like when my kids make fun of me all the time, like I am the butt of jokes constantly.

00:46:10.000 Your dad?

00:46:10.000 That's funny.

00:46:11.000 Not just that.

00:46:12.000 Like, dad's a dummy.

00:46:13.000 Like, it's always like, but it's funny.

00:46:15.000 Like, when they make fun of me, I don't go, hey, I'm your father.

00:46:18.000 Right, right.

00:46:19.000 I'm like, ah.

00:46:21.000 I'm like, I am dumb.

00:46:22.000 Oh, my God.

00:46:23.000 You're doomed.

00:46:24.000 You have my DNA.

00:46:25.000 Oh, man.

00:46:25.000 Ha ha.

00:46:28.000 But think about the relationship that you and Callum have.

00:46:31.000 Like, you will go on stage while he's on stage and just start shitting on him.

00:46:34.000 And then he'll start shitting on you.

00:46:36.000 But you love each other.

00:46:36.000 Oh, love each other.

00:46:37.000 But it's like, that doesn't exist in most men your age.

00:46:41.000 Most men your age, men are super sensitive about that kind of stuff.

00:46:45.000 They don't want to ever lose face.

00:46:48.000 They have to go into business meetings and fucking handle things like an executive.

00:46:56.000 I can't imagine that life for me.

00:46:57.000 Yeah.

00:46:58.000 It's not an honest life.

00:46:59.000 My upbringing, though, all we did, my parents, all we did was make fun.

00:47:05.000 All we did was make fun of each other.

00:47:06.000 Like all we did was fucking bust on each other and we would laugh.

00:47:10.000 I mean, whether it was my mom or my dad or my brother, my uncle, we all make fun of each other.

00:47:17.000 And it was how we showed we love each other.

00:47:19.000 That's funny.

00:47:20.000 I didn't have any of that.

00:47:21.000 Yeah, my house was humorless.

00:47:21.000 Really?

00:47:23.000 Wow.

00:47:24.000 Totally humorless.

00:47:25.000 So how the fuck did you become a comedian?

00:47:26.000 Like, what is it about that?

00:47:28.000 From fighting.

00:47:29.000 What do you mean?

00:47:30.000 Because I was traveling from the time I was, I had a fucked up like adolescence and high school time.

00:47:36.000 And from the time I was 15 until I was like 21, 22, all I did was compete in martial arts tournaments.

00:47:43.000 So we were always nervous.

00:47:45.000 So we're always traveling to these tournaments to fight.

00:47:47.000 And I would be the guy that made fun of everything.

00:47:49.000 Gotcha.

00:47:50.000 So I would like in a locker room when we were about to spar, I would do impressions of everybody having sex.

00:47:56.000 I was the guy who would like, I would do, I would be the icebreaker.

00:48:00.000 You know, I would break the tension.

00:48:02.000 I would be the guy that made fun of everything.

00:48:04.000 That was how I coped with the stress.

00:48:06.000 And then my friend Steve, who I'm still very good friends with this day, my friend Steve Graham, he's like, you should be a comedian.

00:48:14.000 Like, that's literally how I became a comedian.

00:48:16.000 Like, how old were you?

00:48:18.000 At the time he told me that, I think I was 19.

00:48:20.000 Gotcha.

00:48:20.000 I was 19 or 20.

00:48:21.000 And I was like, come on, man.

00:48:22.000 Like, I couldn't even go to clubs yet because you couldn't perform until you were 21, I thought.

00:48:27.000 Turns out you could.

00:48:28.000 You just couldn't drink.

00:48:29.000 And you had to leave once you got to stay.

00:48:30.000 You got to get away from and leave.

00:48:30.000 Go on stage.

00:48:31.000 Yeah.

00:48:31.000 But I didn't know that yet.

00:48:33.000 So I waited until I was 21.

00:48:34.000 But he was like, because I would make them laugh.

00:48:37.000 But I'm like, but you guys are a bunch of psychos and I'm an asshole.

00:48:40.000 Right, right.

00:48:41.000 I'm like, other people are not going to think what I think, what I say is funny.

00:48:44.000 And he's like, I think you're really funny and I think you should be a comedian.

00:48:47.000 And so then you got on stage soon after?

00:48:50.000 When I was 21, right after my 21st birthday.

00:48:52.000 Yeah.

00:48:53.000 Wow.

00:48:53.000 And then I was like, okay, this is what I'm going to do now.

00:48:55.000 Like right away, I knew it.

00:48:57.000 I mean, it wasn't like I was good or anything, but I was like, I think I can do this.

00:49:01.000 Well, who's good in the beginning?

00:49:02.000 Yeah.

00:49:02.000 No one.

00:49:03.000 If you say you're good, you're lucky.

00:49:04.000 Let's clear this up.

00:49:06.000 You're not good if you just started.

00:49:08.000 No.

00:49:10.000 I thought I was.

00:49:10.000 Yes.

00:49:11.000 And then I saw a video about a few years after I started, and I wasn't.

00:49:14.000 No.

00:49:15.000 You're just not able to be a good comedian.

00:49:17.000 But you know who has a spark?

00:49:18.000 People that have a spark is alcoholics and anonymous people.

00:49:21.000 You know why?

00:49:22.000 Because they go to those meetings.

00:49:23.000 And talk.

00:49:24.000 And sometimes they get an act together.

00:49:27.000 They develop an act because they're telling these crazy stories about shit they did when they were on drugs and drunk.

00:49:33.000 And sometimes they're really funny.

00:49:35.000 You know, there was a guy named Dave Fitzgerald that got in a stand-up when I was like 21 when I met him.

00:49:43.000 And he had been doing it maybe a year or so.

00:49:47.000 And he was already like in his late 30s.

00:49:49.000 But he was funny already.

00:49:50.000 And he was funny because he had been doing Alcoholics Anonymous for years.

00:49:54.000 And he had a fucked up time with drugs and drinking.

00:49:59.000 So he had all these crazy stories of just cops and fucking fights and chaos and blacking out and waking up and shitting your pants and just madness.

00:50:09.000 And he had a great voice.

00:50:10.000 He had this fucking gravelly voice.

00:50:12.000 So he would go on stage and tell these crazy stories.

00:50:15.000 And so he started out like right away, kind of funny.

00:50:20.000 I just feel like because when I started stand-up, I started it with a buddy of mine.

00:50:25.000 Like he, he would come with me and we would do open mics, not on the stage together, but I would go up and then he would go up.

00:50:31.000 And he had never been on stage before.

00:50:34.000 And I, you know, did plays and shit when I was in high school.

00:50:38.000 And I realized that you don't just, it's not that you're learning how to be funny on stage.

00:50:43.000 You also have to learn how to be on stage, which is a part of it, which you don't, I didn't realize that until I saw me and then I saw him because he would be doing shit like holding his ankle talking.

00:50:53.000 And I'm like, he would come off stage and I'd be like, hey man, why were you holding your ankle?

00:50:56.000 He'd be like, what?

00:50:57.000 And I was like, did you not know you were doing that?

00:50:59.000 And he was like, oh, I don't know, no.

00:51:00.000 And I was like, Jesus Christ, this guy's not even aware of what his body is.

00:51:02.000 So he's standing on one leg?

00:51:03.000 Yeah.

00:51:04.000 Holding an ankle.

00:51:05.000 I was like, you look like a fucking insecure bitch.

00:51:05.000 Yeah.

00:51:07.000 You're a stalk.

00:51:08.000 A stork.

00:51:09.000 A stalk?

00:51:10.000 Stork.

00:51:11.000 Stork.

00:51:13.000 Or a pelican?

00:51:14.000 What's the one that holds the leg up?

00:51:15.000 Oh, flamingo.

00:51:16.000 Flamingo.

00:51:17.000 That's right.

00:51:18.000 Stork is the one that carries the baby.

00:51:20.000 No, but he, and then he stopped three months later.

00:51:24.000 But yeah, I was like, I realized I had a leg up on him because I had done at least plays and been on stage and knew where an audience was.

00:51:31.000 Yeah, there's little things you could.

00:51:33.000 I was teaching.

00:51:34.000 So I was teaching time.

00:51:35.000 So I was used to teaching large groups of people.

00:51:37.000 So I was used to communicating.

00:51:39.000 Yeah, you can use that stuff.

00:51:40.000 That obviously helps.

00:51:41.000 Yeah, that helped.

00:51:42.000 It helped a little bit, but not much.

00:51:44.000 No, not much.

00:51:45.000 I was terrible.

00:51:46.000 But I knew that I could do it.

00:51:48.000 I was like.

00:51:49.000 You did?

00:51:50.000 Yeah, I was like, I know I suck, but I know this is a thing you can get better at.

00:51:55.000 So you knew when you were starting that you were not good.

00:51:59.000 Oh, yeah.

00:52:00.000 Yeah.

00:52:01.000 No, that's one good thing about growing up doing martial arts.

00:52:05.000 Yeah.

00:52:06.000 Martial arts shows you where you're at with no questions.

00:52:10.000 Because when you're sparring or something like that.

00:52:12.000 You're winning or lose.

00:52:13.000 if you get your ass kicked, like, I'm not good.

00:52:15.000 And so you never get your ass kicked and go, I'm fucking pretty awesome.

00:52:15.000 Right.

00:52:20.000 That's a very good point.

00:52:22.000 Yeah, you feel losing a fight is very humiliating.

00:52:25.000 It's very humiliating.

00:52:27.000 So I knew like right away I wasn't good, but I also was like, I see, because luckily the night that I went up, Jonathan Katz, you know, Jonathan Katz from Dr. Katz, that show that was on Cover Central.

00:52:41.000 He was the host of the open mic night the first time I ever went up.

00:52:45.000 And then there was this guy, Teddy Bergeron.

00:52:47.000 He went on stage that night who was amazing.

00:52:49.000 And all these different guys that were like local Boston guys that went up that were professionals went up that night too.

00:52:55.000 So I got to see open micers and I got to see professionals.

00:52:59.000 And I was like, okay, this is something you can get good at.

00:53:02.000 Like this is something that if you practice and you write and you just keep working at it and you keep performing, like I kind of had a vague sense even the first time that I did it, like I could do this.

00:53:12.000 I could do this.

00:53:12.000 And then I did it a second time.

00:53:14.000 Second time was better than the first time.

00:53:15.000 And I'm like, okay, so I'm a little more comfortable now.

00:53:18.000 I did a little bit better.

00:53:20.000 And I'm like, there's something to this.

00:53:22.000 So I knew right away, like within the first or second time that I did it, that this was what I was going to try to do.

00:53:22.000 I can do this.

00:53:29.000 That's cool.

00:53:30.000 That's funny.

00:53:30.000 I started when I was 25.

00:53:32.000 Always, always wanted to be a comedian.

00:53:35.000 Since I was, I mean, young.

00:53:35.000 Always.

00:53:37.000 My dad tells a story where when I was playing with my toys in front of the TV, my dad was watching a Jerry Lewis movie, and Jerry Lewis was doing his fucking crazy Jerry Lewis shit on TV.

00:53:50.000 And I was playing with my toys, and I stopped, and I started watching Jerry Lewis because he was being crazy on television and doing his funny stuff.

00:53:58.000 And my dad kind of noticed and registered that I was playing with my toys and stopped and now was arrested by this movie and Jerry Lewis.

00:54:08.000 And he said, a few beats went by.

00:54:10.000 And then I said, hey, dad.

00:54:11.000 And he said, yeah.

00:54:12.000 And I said, this guy on TV, what he's doing, all that silly stuff, this is his job.

00:54:20.000 And my dad said, yeah.

00:54:22.000 And I said, like, he makes money doing this?

00:54:24.000 And my dad said, yeah, matter of fact, he makes a lot of money doing that.

00:54:28.000 And then my dad said, I went like this.

00:54:31.000 Huh.

00:54:32.000 And he said that that was the moment that he kind of like likes to romanticize about how I thought I wanted to be a comedian.

00:54:38.000 But I wanted to be a comedian my whole life, man.

00:54:42.000 And I was scared to do it until I was 25 because I was like, I'm at a loss here.

00:54:46.000 What am I doing?

00:54:46.000 I was trying to write.

00:54:47.000 I was trying to get scripts turned into movies.

00:54:50.000 And I was trying to work on, you know, be an actor.

00:54:53.000 But it was like, you can't do that without other people.

00:54:58.000 Yeah.

00:54:59.000 So as a comedian, I was like, all right, fuck it.

00:55:01.000 I always want to do stand-up.

00:55:02.000 This is the time.

00:55:03.000 I turned, it was like 2005 or 2006, 2006, New Year's Resolution, January 2nd.

00:55:03.000 I'm 25.

00:55:10.000 I got on stage.

00:55:11.000 I forced myself to do it.

00:55:12.000 And then I got on stage just every day ever since.

00:55:15.000 Wow.

00:55:15.000 You know what I mean?

00:55:16.000 Oh, you were on stage basically every night.

00:55:19.000 I just knew that, you know, there's that whole 10,000 hours.

00:55:25.000 It's like if you're, and dude, I would go to the comedy store at nine, and I wasn't past or anything.

00:55:34.000 I remember I met Maximini.

00:55:35.000 You know him?

00:55:36.000 No.

00:55:36.000 Okay, so he would run the Belly Room show.

00:55:39.000 And I met him somehow.

00:55:42.000 And we took a liking to each other.

00:55:45.000 And I said, look, I'm going to come by and hang out with you.

00:55:48.000 I'm not asking to go up, dude.

00:55:50.000 I just want to come and hang and like soak it in or whatever.

00:55:53.000 And I would go at 9, and I would leave at 2 a.m.

00:55:55.000 Every single fucking night.

00:55:56.000 Every single night.

00:55:57.000 And more often than not, he would throw me up.

00:56:00.000 And, you know, I would never push it.

00:56:02.000 I hate that shit.

00:56:03.000 I don't want to be like, hey, man, you got a spot.

00:56:05.000 Like, I just, if you want me to be on the show, then I want to be on the show.

00:56:07.000 If you don't want me to be on the show, I don't want to be on the show.

00:56:09.000 And I would just get good in the belly room.

00:56:12.000 And by the, you know, I was 26, 27, I would do it for years.

00:56:15.000 You did the ha ha too, right?

00:56:16.000 I started at the haha.

00:56:18.000 The haha's not a bad spot.

00:56:19.000 Dude, the haha's a great spot, man.

00:56:22.000 The comedy store came after the haha, but the ha ha was where I got my first start because nobody would go there and I would go and there were real people in the audience.

00:56:29.000 Yeah.

00:56:30.000 And you could get on stage in real shows as a young, you know, I had no business being on a real show, but I would go and I would do my shit and pay $5 for the open mic in the beginning.

00:56:40.000 Yeah.

00:56:41.000 And that funny to make you pay to go on stage.

00:56:43.000 And people would be like, I ain't paying fuck that.

00:56:43.000 I know.

00:56:45.000 And I'm like, look, I'm just going to get on stage.

00:56:47.000 I'll pay on that.

00:56:47.000 So if you've done all these years of every night basically doing standout, what has this month been like for you?

00:56:53.000 This month, this quarantine month?

00:56:54.000 Has it been weird?

00:56:55.000 This is the longest I've ever been in a string of being not on stage.

00:56:58.000 I want to be there the first night everybody goes back on stage.

00:57:01.000 Me too.

00:57:02.000 Dude, I thought about this the other day.

00:57:06.000 My special comes out today.

00:57:07.000 So it's, you know, you could watch it on fucking Netflix.

00:57:09.000 Oh, what's it called, Chris?

00:57:10.000 No Pain.

00:57:11.000 It's on right now.

00:57:12.000 It's called No Pain.

00:57:13.000 You can see it right now?

00:57:14.000 Yeah.

00:57:14.000 Yeah, you can see it right now.

00:57:15.000 It's streaming absolutely on Netflix.

00:57:18.000 So, no, so, but my point of bringing it up, not to plug it, but I'm so happy it came out now because I don't have material that I've been using.

00:57:28.000 Like, I know, like, Ali Wong had to reschedule her fucking taping.

00:57:33.000 She was ready to go.

00:57:33.000 Oh, no.

00:57:34.000 Well, Louie was supposed to film.

00:57:38.000 He was supposed to film his shit.

00:57:41.000 It was like April 12th, and I wasn't going to be able to make it.

00:57:46.000 I wanted to see his taping.

00:57:48.000 Oh, really?

00:57:49.000 Yeah.

00:57:49.000 And I was going to try to make it.

00:57:51.000 He was going to do it in Boston.

00:57:51.000 Three days ago, you're saying.

00:57:53.000 He was going to do it when he was.

00:57:54.000 I think it was April 12th.

00:57:55.000 He was scheduled in Boston.

00:57:56.000 It was like the same weekend.

00:58:00.000 It might be like this weekend.

00:58:02.000 But it came out.

00:58:03.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:58:03.000 But he didn't.

00:58:04.000 He scheduled it early.

00:58:05.000 Oh, God.

00:58:06.000 Okay, that's what it was.

00:58:07.000 It was supposed to be a couple days ago.

00:58:09.000 So today's Tuesday.

00:58:10.000 He was supposed to be like Saturday, this past Saturday.

00:58:13.000 Saturday.

00:58:14.000 And they had to do, he scrambled last minute and filmed it in Washington, D.C. And he just put it out.

00:58:24.000 He's like, fuck it.

00:58:25.000 I'm just going to put it out on my website.

00:58:26.000 But he was supposed to be filming like a couple of weeks later, like now.

00:58:31.000 And when everything started closing in, everybody realized, like, whoa, this shit's getting weird.

00:58:35.000 this shit's getting really weird.

00:58:37.000 He bumped it up.

00:58:38.000 Yeah, quite a few people have canceled filmings.

00:58:40.000 Schultz, Andrew Schultz.

00:58:42.000 Yeah, he was supposed to be, I think he was supposed to be this weekend.

00:58:42.000 He did too.

00:58:46.000 I think he was supposed to be in LA Saturday as well.

00:58:49.000 I think it's the same thing.

00:58:50.000 Yeah, I was texting with him.

00:58:51.000 He's like, I think I got to reschedule.

00:58:53.000 I think I was texting with him.

00:58:54.000 Are you making that up?

00:58:55.000 Louis was the week before.

00:58:56.000 Whatever.

00:58:57.000 It's all round.

00:58:58.000 I know Allie rescheduled.

00:58:59.000 Where was she supposed to film?

00:59:00.000 I think TC.

00:59:01.000 I think.

00:59:02.000 And then she was talking to me.

00:59:05.000 She was like, I might.

00:59:07.000 She's like, I rescheduled it for either June or July.

00:59:10.000 She's like, I'm going to have to reschedule it again.

00:59:12.000 Yeah, she's going to have to reschedule again.

00:59:13.000 Because the other thing is, too, once they lift the ban of going out, you think everyone's going to run to a 2,000-seater fucking...

00:59:20.000 Yeah, exactly.

00:59:21.000 Solid dummies are going to be out there coughing in each other's mouths.

00:59:24.000 Those are my fans.

00:59:26.000 Come on out, dummies.

00:59:29.000 Yeah.

00:59:30.000 A bunch of bug chasers.

00:59:31.000 Yeah.

00:59:32.000 I think there's going to be a lot of people to go out.

00:59:35.000 There will be the dummies that are like, fucking finally.

00:59:38.000 Well, there's going to be people that are like, first of all, delusional.

00:59:41.000 Second of all, relatively healthy and not concerned.

00:59:44.000 Take a lot of vitamin C. Do the right thing.

00:59:47.000 Sleep well.

00:59:49.000 I've been really good with all my stuff.

00:59:52.000 Like, I've been in the sauna every night for 25 minutes.

00:59:55.000 I take several thousand milligrams of vitamin C every day, vitamin D, taking all my vitamins.

01:00:01.000 I do a vitamin drip with NAD once a week.

01:00:04.000 Is that what you're talking about with Whitney on the text chain?

01:00:05.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:00:06.000 The NAD drips.

01:00:07.000 Yeah.

01:00:08.000 That's the same doctor that pricked your finger.

01:00:11.000 His company does that.

01:00:12.000 They do the vitamin D drips.

01:00:14.000 The vitamin drips, rather, not vitamin D. Glutathione, scott, zinc, all kinds of shit.

01:00:14.000 Oh, cool.

01:00:19.000 They put a bunch of shit in the back.

01:00:22.000 I saw you talking to her on the text chain.

01:00:22.000 Why are you trying?

01:00:25.000 You were saying that you're trying to shorten the amount of time of doing it, but you can't because it's overwhelming or something?

01:00:29.000 Well, NAD is this stuff.

01:00:32.000 What is the name of it?

01:00:34.000 Pull the name of this NAD shit.

01:00:36.000 Like you can't do it standing up or something?

01:00:38.000 I don't understand that.

01:00:38.000 She does it standing up.

01:00:39.000 But what you're doing...

01:00:43.000 Nicotinamide adenine dionucleotide.

01:00:49.000 Okay, it's a cofactor that is central to metabolism found in all living cells.

01:00:53.000 NAD is called dianucleotide because it consists of two nucleotides joined through their phosphate groups.

01:01:02.000 You know about all this.

01:01:03.000 One nucleotide contains the adenine nucleotide.

01:01:07.000 Anyway, really good for you.

01:01:09.000 Great for the therapy says vital functions like repairing DNA, maintaining cell health, and boosting our immune system.

01:01:18.000 So it gives you energy, increases energy, and gives your metabolism a boost.

01:01:21.000 So I do that once a week now, and it's supposed to take two hours.

01:01:26.000 And the first time I did it, I got it under an hour, and then I've been doing it in 24 minutes the last couple ones.

01:01:33.000 So it's, yeah.

01:01:35.000 So you build up like a tolerance to it or just doing it?

01:01:39.000 I don't know if you build a tolerance or you just get accustomed to that.

01:01:42.000 It's very uncomfortable.

01:01:44.000 Where?

01:01:45.000 Your gut.

01:01:46.000 real weird.

01:01:47.000 And where do they So you're sitting there, and so I just try to see how much I can tolerate.

01:01:54.000 My goal was to get it down to 10 minutes, which I think is totally doable.

01:01:58.000 To do it in 10 minutes, just open it up and just sit there and meditate and take it.

01:02:02.000 And then so at the end, the uncomfortableness is completely over?

01:02:07.000 Gone.

01:02:07.000 Oh, okay.

01:02:08.000 So it's just during while it's happening.

01:02:09.000 It's while it's happening.

01:02:10.000 So for 24 minutes, I'm just sitting there like, but what we do is Jamie and I have been doing it.

01:02:15.000 We just watch Black Mirror.

01:02:16.000 Yeah.

01:02:17.000 Oh, you haven't seen that yet?

01:02:18.000 I haven't seen all of them.

01:02:19.000 I've seen like seven or eight of them.

01:02:21.000 But goddamn, that one we watched last week, Black Museum, this was.

01:02:24.000 Fuck, that's good.

01:02:25.000 Dude, some of them are, that show is like, I think for that show to be good, it has to be hit or miss because they have to take chances.

01:02:32.000 Yes.

01:02:33.000 Some of them are so fucking good.

01:02:36.000 That show is just amazing.

01:02:38.000 Some of them are spooky.

01:02:39.000 Yeah.

01:02:39.000 This Black Mirror, Black Museum episode was fucking incredible.

01:02:43.000 I remember it.

01:02:44.000 That one messed my head up.

01:02:45.000 Like, I was sitting there at night just going, Jesus.

01:02:48.000 The one, I don't want to say.

01:02:48.000 Yeah.

01:02:50.000 Yeah.

01:02:50.000 I don't want to spoil it.

01:02:52.000 Anybody, but it's great.

01:02:53.000 The other one I love is the one where the guy is in Star Trek.

01:02:53.000 It's great.

01:02:58.000 He has like a virtual Star Trek where he's the king of the world and he has all these people.

01:03:03.000 I remember that one yet.

01:03:04.000 The best ones are the first ones, though.

01:03:06.000 You saw them.

01:03:07.000 You went back and watched the first ones?

01:03:09.000 I've seen some of the first ones.

01:03:10.000 There's a lot.

01:03:11.000 The first season is, I remember you posting about the new season when you were talking about, you know, I think it would be the first time you really watched the show, but I saw it when I didn't know what it was and it blew my fucking mind.

01:03:23.000 Like nobody had talked about it.

01:03:25.000 And I was like, and I saw it, I was like, oh my God.

01:03:28.000 I don't even, was it on Netflix in the beginning or no?

01:03:30.000 I don't think it was.

01:03:31.000 Whatever.

01:03:32.000 Was it?

01:03:33.000 But the first week we see.

01:03:33.000 I don't know.

01:03:36.000 Oh, that's right.

01:03:37.000 Maybe we see it.

01:03:37.000 Yes, yes, yes.

01:03:38.000 No, the first episodes, I don't know if it's because I didn't know what it was, but those blew my fucking mind, man.

01:03:43.000 It's the one with the New Twilight.

01:03:45.000 The robots chasing the lady.

01:03:47.000 The little drone robots.

01:03:50.000 Oh, that's freaky.

01:03:51.000 Yeah, what is that called?

01:03:52.000 Isn't that one in black and white?

01:03:52.000 Heavy metal.

01:03:54.000 Or no, did I imagine that?

01:03:55.000 Okay, yeah.

01:03:55.000 It is.

01:03:56.000 Is it?

01:03:56.000 It's in black and white?

01:03:58.000 It made it creepy, yeah.

01:03:58.000 I know.

01:04:00.000 Why is black and white creepier?

01:04:01.000 I don't know.

01:04:02.000 It is, though.

01:04:03.000 It really is, yeah.

01:04:04.000 Probably because old shit is creepy.

01:04:06.000 And that's what it used to be like.

01:04:07.000 Old shit's like an added layer of depression because everybody in it's dead.

01:04:13.000 Like if you watch like the old Frankenstein movie, the oldest people are dead.

01:04:16.000 I know.

01:04:16.000 You're looking at dead people.

01:04:18.000 I know.

01:04:21.000 Also, everything sucked back then.

01:04:22.000 So even being alive sucked.

01:04:23.000 So bad.

01:04:25.000 So bad.

01:04:26.000 I guess even the show you're watching sucked.

01:04:29.000 The shows are terrible.

01:04:31.000 They're fun because they're old.

01:04:33.000 Oh, I'm watching a time capsule.

01:04:35.000 Right.

01:04:35.000 My dad would watch fucking like old black and white, like combat.

01:04:39.000 That show would like, where like they, everybody always talking like this.

01:04:42.000 Come on.

01:04:42.000 Like, hey, man.

01:04:43.000 And it's like, dude, who talked like that?

01:04:45.000 Dragnet.

01:04:46.000 Yeah.

01:04:47.000 You ever see that show?

01:04:48.000 Joe Friday.

01:04:48.000 Yeah.

01:04:49.000 Yeah.

01:04:50.000 We gotcha.

01:04:51.000 We got you red-handed.

01:04:52.000 I want to do a show where I do that voice and it's a fucking drama and it comes out now.

01:04:59.000 Well, there's Certain things that you used to be able to do that you should have never been able to do that you can't do anymore.

01:05:04.000 And that's one.

01:05:05.000 You can't be like, you can't have a stage voice anymore.

01:05:09.000 No.

01:05:10.000 You can't be corny like that anymore.

01:05:11.000 No.

01:05:12.000 But you can still do that if you're on the radio.

01:05:14.000 Yeah, like talking about this.

01:05:16.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:05:16.000 Yeah.

01:05:17.000 Weird.

01:05:17.000 All the hits.

01:05:18.000 So weird.

01:05:19.000 It's weird.

01:05:20.000 You know what's weird?

01:05:21.000 When I used to do radio, you would go and you talk to a guy and they would be normal.

01:05:26.000 You'd be like, hey, man, where you from?

01:05:28.000 Oh, Boston.

01:05:28.000 Where'd you go?

01:05:29.000 Oh, cool, cool, cool.

01:05:31.000 All right.

01:05:31.000 So I'm just going to do weather and traffic and then I'll run you right in.

01:05:36.000 And you're like, okay, cool.

01:05:37.000 And he's like, oh, coming up at five o'clock of the hour.

01:05:40.000 All right.

01:05:41.000 Dude, that's actually so fucking stupid.

01:05:44.000 It's weird.

01:05:46.000 Those guys are always, like, you know, when you would come up doing the clubs and shit and like you'd go on the road and then like you would do like the six o'clock morning news.

01:05:55.000 And those guys would, I always describe those guys as like, you can hear their face.

01:06:01.000 Like, do you know what I mean?

01:06:03.000 Like they'll be like, so we're talking to you.

01:06:05.000 So, you know, you come to Atlanta, you know, you do the Atlanta imprompt.

01:06:08.000 So, so what's that like for you?

01:06:09.000 And then they lean in and you're like, this guy's face fucking makes noise.

01:06:12.000 It's the weirdest thing, and you don't know unless you've been there, but dude, their faces are loud and shit.

01:06:17.000 Like they, you can see the cracks behind their face of who they really are when you're close.

01:06:22.000 You can't see it on TV.

01:06:23.000 You just take newscasts for granted.

01:06:24.000 I wonder who was the first guy that had the radio voice and then all the other people just started copying him.

01:06:29.000 Like, how did it become that voice?

01:06:32.000 Top of the hour here on 106.5.

01:06:35.000 And they do that.

01:06:36.000 It's not W, it's doubled, you doubled, you doubled, you.

01:06:39.000 You fucking.

01:06:41.000 And then the ong, ong, ahooga, boy, on.

01:06:43.000 There's another version of that, the Strip Club DJ.

01:06:45.000 It's almost the same guy.

01:06:47.000 Almost the same guy.

01:06:48.000 So it's close variation.

01:06:49.000 Come to the stage.

01:06:49.000 We got Champagne.

01:06:50.000 Come to the stage.

01:06:51.000 It's like a liger.

01:06:52.000 It's like a cross between a tiger and a lion.

01:06:55.000 Strip club DJ Weatherman.

01:06:58.000 Hi, it's going to be raining, and here comes fucking candy.

01:07:02.000 Here comes Lexus to the main stage.

01:07:05.000 That's a weird.

01:07:06.000 Cinderella.

01:07:08.000 Just why, yeah.

01:07:09.000 Why can't it just be like, all right, here comes the fucking next dancer?

01:07:13.000 Exonica.

01:07:14.000 Please welcome Exonica.

01:07:18.000 Please welcome Pluto.

01:07:20.000 Pluto is the fat one.

01:07:20.000 Or my fit.

01:07:23.000 No, it's the planet.

01:07:24.000 The planetoid.

01:07:24.000 I know.

01:07:26.000 As a stripper?

01:07:26.000 The planet.

01:07:27.000 I don't know.

01:07:29.000 You're just throwing it out there.

01:07:31.000 Here comes Frankenstein.

01:07:33.000 Stripper like this.

01:07:34.000 Yeah, maybe a stripper that's really into monster movies.

01:07:37.000 Yeah.

01:07:37.000 She gets all made up.

01:07:38.000 Made up.

01:07:39.000 Yeah.

01:07:39.000 Oh, that exists.

01:07:40.000 Blood around the wrist and stitches.

01:07:42.000 Yeah.

01:07:44.000 It exists.

01:07:45.000 You think you should think of a new thing?

01:07:46.000 There's too many people out there and it's too late in the game.

01:07:48.000 Yeah, you can't.

01:07:49.000 You can't.

01:07:49.000 I posted on Instagram yesterday this gay twinks for Trump that they had a party where they were trying to catch the COVID.

01:07:59.000 They had a COVID catch.

01:08:00.000 And I said, you know, anytime, here, this is what I wrote.

01:08:03.000 I wrote, if you think you've seen it all, every day the internet will prove you're incorrect.

01:08:10.000 First post, Tony Pitchcliffe, I had a blast.

01:08:13.000 All caps.

01:08:14.000 But what's crazy is the comments where people were angry at me, like for the really, really, really dumb Trump supporters, right?

01:08:24.000 There's a spectrum of Trump supporters.

01:08:26.000 Some Trump supporters are very intelligent people that just like his economic policies.

01:08:30.000 And some people are like, Trump's my boy.

01:08:32.000 That's my man.

01:08:34.000 You don't say nothing bad about Trump.

01:08:36.000 And those people are like, oh, I can't believe you sold out.

01:08:39.000 You're fake news.

01:08:40.000 Like, they were angry at me.

01:08:42.000 And what was their gripe that you?

01:08:44.000 I don't know.

01:08:45.000 It's one of the rare times when I'd venture into the comments to see what the fuck is going on.

01:08:49.000 Oh, man.

01:08:50.000 It's usually a disaster, and I never do it.

01:08:52.000 But this is the problem with being home all the time.

01:08:55.000 I know.

01:08:55.000 It's all this extra time.

01:08:56.000 I find myself eating pasta.

01:08:59.000 I'm doing a lot of things I shouldn't do.

01:09:01.000 I read the comments on that one.

01:09:04.000 You got to eat fucking pasta and read comments.

01:09:05.000 But it confirmed to me that I shouldn't read comments.

01:09:08.000 I know.

01:09:08.000 I really shouldn't.

01:09:09.000 I'm definitely better at that than I was.

01:09:12.000 I used to have fun talking shit to people.

01:09:17.000 I used to do it all the time.

01:09:19.000 And then I was like, my girl was like, what are you doing?

01:09:24.000 You're going to be fucking 40?

01:09:26.000 And like, what is your kid?

01:09:29.000 Your kid's going to see this shit?

01:09:30.000 And I'm like, yeah, you're right.

01:09:32.000 I should stop doing that.

01:09:33.000 And she's like, by the way, do you want to be fucking really famous or what?

01:09:36.000 And I was like, I don't know what.

01:09:37.000 And I didn't really think about it.

01:09:38.000 And she's like, fucking, Captain America doesn't do this shit.

01:09:41.000 And I was like, yeah, you're kind of right.

01:09:43.000 Captain America doesn't do this shit.

01:09:44.000 Captain America doesn't go back and forth with people on Twitter.

01:09:47.000 Chris Evans, right?

01:09:48.000 I was just like, yeah.

01:09:49.000 Twitter's hot right now.

01:09:51.000 There's so many people.

01:09:52.000 I mean, hot in a bad way.

01:09:53.000 There's so many people angry because everyone's locked inside.

01:09:56.000 Like, Twitter's the place where you get the most angry.

01:09:58.000 It's the, yeah.

01:10:00.000 By the way, I don't even go on Facebook.

01:10:01.000 So that seems like a fucking cesspool.

01:10:04.000 That does.

01:10:05.000 You have too much freedom to write long things on Facebook.

01:10:08.000 Good point.

01:10:09.000 People are just too verbose.

01:10:10.000 They just, there's too much nonsense.

01:10:13.000 Yeah.

01:10:13.000 Like, I'm not reading your novel.

01:10:16.000 Yeah, I'm not either, man.

01:10:18.000 How about this?

01:10:19.000 I'm not even going to read your novel, even if it's about me.

01:10:22.000 No.

01:10:23.000 It's just.

01:10:23.000 but yeah tweets and shit people are at least it's concise but people i i i I was reading Marin's Twitter because Marin said it's okay to go for a drive, right?

01:10:38.000 And some lady attacked him.

01:10:38.000 Yeah.

01:10:42.000 See, like, I wouldn't even know you.

01:10:44.000 And then she wrote 20 different hashtags, hashtag COVID-19, hashtag quarantine, like trying to get so much attention for her tweet that she's tweeting at Mark.

01:10:57.000 And so Mark went back with her, and then she went back with Mark.

01:11:00.000 I'm like, get out.

01:11:02.000 I'm like, Mark, you need friends.

01:11:03.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:11:04.000 They're going to tell you, stop.

01:11:06.000 Go for that fucking drive.

01:11:07.000 Don't be arguing with this lady.

01:11:09.000 I know.

01:11:10.000 First of all, you probably shouldn't go for a drive just to go for a drive.

01:11:13.000 But if most people aren't doing it and the roads are dead, I don't think it's that big a deal, realistically.

01:11:20.000 Now, if you say that, the problem is then a lot of people are going to go, oh, I'll just go for a drive.

01:11:25.000 So you can't really say that.

01:11:27.000 So you shouldn't say, I'm just going to go for a drive.

01:11:29.000 Just go for a fucking drive.

01:11:31.000 And if you get pulled over by the fucking Gestapo, you say I was headed out for toilet paper.

01:11:38.000 Yes.

01:11:40.000 It's not that bad.

01:11:41.000 That's the move, guys.

01:11:43.000 Just say I was headed out for toilet paper.

01:11:45.000 Everybody just goes, okay, or bullets.

01:11:46.000 Did you see the guy?

01:11:47.000 I ran out of bullets.

01:11:48.000 I needed bullets and toilet paper.

01:11:50.000 Did you see the guy who I put on my Instagram, but I went to Walgreens and I had gotten some stuff, you know, had my mask on and shit.

01:12:01.000 And there was this lady that was checking out in front of me.

01:12:08.000 And behind the counter, I say to the guy, I said, hey, you know, over the lady, I was like, hey, I wasn't interrupting, but I was like, do you guys have toilet paper?

01:12:15.000 Because everywhere's all out, you know?

01:12:15.000 Are you guys all out?

01:12:17.000 And he was like, he saw me and he goes like this.

01:12:19.000 Oh, hold on a second.

01:12:22.000 And I was like, okay, you got the hookups or what?

01:12:24.000 And he was like, hold on.

01:12:26.000 Did you not hear this?

01:12:27.000 Yeah, don't.

01:12:28.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:12:30.000 So he was like, I was like, okay.

01:12:32.000 And he finished reading her up and he goes like this.

01:12:34.000 Hey, come here.

01:12:35.000 I swear to God.

01:12:36.000 So I follow this guy to the back of Walgreens and he goes like this, way right here.

01:12:41.000 I'm like, okay.

01:12:42.000 He walks through those fucking metal doors in the back that are just outlawed Joe's wheel doors.

01:12:47.000 Exactly, yeah.

01:12:49.000 And comes back with 24 rolls.

01:12:51.000 And he goes like this.

01:12:52.000 I'm not supposed to do this, but here you go, man.

01:12:54.000 I'm a big fan.

01:12:55.000 And I was like, oh, really?

01:12:57.000 And he was like, yeah, man.

01:12:58.000 And he was ringing me up.

01:12:59.000 And he was like, makes my day that you came in here, man.

01:13:02.000 It's hilarious.

01:13:02.000 It's the least I could do.

01:13:03.000 I was like, at least my comedy culminated in I get to fucking shit for a few weeks.

01:13:08.000 Why was he hiding them?

01:13:09.000 What was that?

01:13:09.000 That's what I don't get.

01:13:10.000 I don't understand.

01:13:11.000 Hoping that someone cool comes in.

01:13:13.000 I think in my head, for some reason, I feel like they just didn't put it out yet.

01:13:19.000 Or he was hoarding it for himself.

01:13:21.000 Maybe it was his personal thing.

01:13:22.000 Maybe he had like a bad thing.

01:13:22.000 Yeah, no.

01:13:23.000 But he was the nicest guy.

01:13:24.000 And then I put that story on my Instagram, and then he hit me up and he was like, hey, man, this is so great.

01:13:31.000 You put it on your thing.

01:13:32.000 I can't believe it.

01:13:33.000 He was just really sweet, man.

01:13:35.000 Well, that's nice.

01:13:35.000 Yeah.

01:13:36.000 You know, it has a happy ending.

01:13:37.000 Do you have those bidet toilets in your house that shoot water up your ass?

01:13:40.000 I got sent one.

01:13:42.000 Are they?

01:13:42.000 They're so good.

01:13:43.000 Right here.

01:13:44.000 Go ahead.

01:13:44.000 You want to go take a shit?

01:13:45.000 Do you have to?

01:13:45.000 All right.

01:13:46.000 I did drink some coffee.

01:13:47.000 Do you think you got one brewing?

01:13:48.000 Depends on how long this podcast goes.

01:13:50.000 You can keep going until you have to shit.

01:13:51.000 I shit my pants 20 minutes ago.

01:13:54.000 They're the best, dude.

01:13:55.000 It cleans you up.

01:13:56.000 Oh, yeah.

01:13:56.000 Does it?

01:13:57.000 Because I always feel like, okay, there's still shit in there.

01:14:00.000 And you look at the toilet paper.

01:14:00.000 A little wife at that point.

01:14:01.000 It's clean.

01:14:02.000 It's clean, just wet.

01:14:04.000 I got something for you, though.

01:14:05.000 Do you take Metamucil with the...

01:14:09.000 Okay.

01:14:09.000 I don't need to.

01:14:11.000 I have no problem shitting.

01:14:12.000 Okay, well, what do you mean?

01:14:13.000 Like, I mean, I don't really have a problem shitting, but I'm.

01:14:15.000 fiber thing, right?

01:14:16.000 Well, my point is, I eat a lot of vegetables.

01:14:20.000 I believe you.

01:14:20.000 Okay.

01:14:21.000 Yeah.

01:14:22.000 I don't want the attitude about how I don't eat my fucking vegetables, okay?

01:14:27.000 When I was eating a carnivore diet, I had no problem shitting either.

01:14:30.000 Well, maybe you just have a good fucking system, man.

01:14:32.000 I don't think so.

01:14:33.000 So I, like how many times No, no, no.

01:14:37.000 It's not that.

01:14:37.000 I don't.

01:14:38.000 The thing is...

01:14:42.000 It's in a little defensiveness.

01:14:44.000 No, it's not.

01:14:45.000 Now I'm in a thing where if you say I'm, How am I going to defend it?

01:14:48.000 So I...

01:14:54.000 Oh, you splatter.

01:14:56.000 Now, spinner or splatters?

01:14:58.000 No, it's just not congealed.

01:15:01.000 Cream cheese style?

01:15:02.000 Not congealed.

01:15:03.000 Let's try to make this over here.

01:15:04.000 It's the least gross as possible.

01:15:06.000 By the way, we've talked a lot about shitting on this episode.

01:15:08.000 So I take it.

01:15:09.000 I take two scoops of that a day.

01:15:10.000 That shit comes out.

01:15:11.000 Whoop.

01:15:12.000 That's it.

01:15:12.000 I don't even have to wipe.

01:15:13.000 I do.

01:15:14.000 But I wouldn't need a bidet or anything.

01:15:16.000 Okay.

01:15:17.000 It congeals good, man.

01:15:19.000 It's nice to know that it's all polished up, though, washed down.

01:15:22.000 Sure.

01:15:23.000 It's shitting.

01:15:24.000 It's good to know it's shitting.

01:15:25.000 And also, it's warm.

01:15:27.000 Like the one we have the seed is warm, and then the warm water sprays on your asshole.

01:15:32.000 You're like, ah, you can enjoy it.

01:15:35.000 You can enjoy it.

01:15:36.000 Sometimes I'm talking to people on the phone.

01:15:37.000 They're like, are you peeing?

01:15:38.000 I'm like, no, no, no.

01:15:39.000 Hot water shooting all over my asshole to clean it off.

01:15:42.000 Are you jerking off?

01:15:43.000 I'm not peeing.

01:15:44.000 Oh my disgusting piece of shit.

01:15:46.000 I'm cleaning my butthole, bro.

01:15:48.000 Yeah.

01:15:49.000 It's nice.

01:15:49.000 It feels good.

01:15:51.000 I think I've done it once or twice at some hotel or something.

01:15:54.000 It's a must.

01:15:55.000 It's a must have.

01:15:56.000 Well, I have mine.

01:15:57.000 I have one.

01:15:58.000 I think a sponsor for my podcast sent it or something.

01:16:00.000 Aha, there you go.

01:16:01.000 You must use it.

01:16:02.000 It must be done.

01:16:03.000 Tushie or something?

01:16:04.000 That's one of the ones that installs in a regular toilet.

01:16:04.000 Yeah, okay.

01:16:07.000 An excellent choice.

01:16:07.000 Tushie.

01:16:08.000 Shout out to Tushi for sending it to me.

01:16:10.000 And not that expensive either.

01:16:11.000 It's a good economic.

01:16:12.000 Well, I'll tell you what.

01:16:13.000 It's hard enough to get fucking toilet paper now.

01:16:14.000 You might as well get some tushie.

01:16:16.000 All you need is like a little, a tiny little.

01:16:19.000 You know how toilet paper comes in like a little one piece?

01:16:22.000 Yeah.

01:16:23.000 We never do that.

01:16:24.000 No, no, no, no, no.

01:16:25.000 But you could get away with two, two pieces with this bidet.

01:16:29.000 Yeah, just dap, dap.

01:16:30.000 Wow.

01:16:30.000 You just give it a little dab.

01:16:31.000 Nice.

01:16:32.000 Drop it in the bowl and all gone.

01:16:35.000 That's nice.

01:16:36.000 It's wonderful.

01:16:36.000 And it's warm water, too.

01:16:38.000 It's just, whoo.

01:16:38.000 I'm going to hook it up.

01:16:39.000 Just hoses it down.

01:16:41.000 Nice.

01:16:42.000 It's like a car wash for your butt.

01:16:43.000 There you go.

01:16:44.000 See, I wasn't thinking about this right.

01:16:46.000 Well, it's also, I don't want to get personal, but do you have a lot of asshole hair?

01:16:46.000 Yeah.

01:16:50.000 I'm a hairy guy.

01:16:51.000 Yeah, me too.

01:16:52.000 Yeah.

01:16:53.000 But I've been using one of them manscape things.

01:16:56.000 Oh, those are great.

01:16:57.000 I do the balls and then I go down the old asshole area.

01:17:03.000 How do you know you're getting it?

01:17:04.000 Oh, I don't.

01:17:05.000 I take chances.

01:17:08.000 I'm pretty sure.

01:17:08.000 You probably have a guy.

01:17:10.000 There he is.

01:17:10.000 I have a guy.

01:17:11.000 He's the doctor that fucking pricks me.

01:17:13.000 I don't even have an assistant.

01:17:14.000 I know.

01:17:14.000 That's crazy to me.

01:17:16.000 I don't want one.

01:17:17.000 I think once you have an assistant, you probably have made a mistake.

01:17:20.000 Like you're doing too many things.

01:17:23.000 Do less things.

01:17:25.000 Yeah.

01:17:25.000 This is some weird person who goes and does everything for you.

01:17:29.000 I guess.

01:17:29.000 I mean, yeah.

01:17:30.000 Instead of your flight is at four, and then here's your hotel reservation.

01:17:30.000 I guess I have to do it.

01:17:36.000 And I walked your dog and I did this.

01:17:38.000 I just want to be as normal as I can be.

01:17:40.000 Interesting.

01:17:41.000 Yeah.

01:17:42.000 I don't know how I feel about that.

01:17:44.000 Do you have an assistant?

01:17:45.000 I don't.

01:17:46.000 Good.

01:17:47.000 Yeah, I don't.

01:17:47.000 You're in the same boat.

01:17:48.000 But you're thinking about getting one, huh?

01:17:49.000 Well, I've always like, should I get one?

01:17:51.000 People putting pressure on you?

01:17:53.000 Some people do.

01:17:53.000 Chris, why don't you have an assistant?

01:17:54.000 Al Madrigal has an assistant.

01:17:56.000 So I told Al Madrigal, I go, do less shit.

01:17:59.000 He goes, yeah?

01:18:00.000 I go, yeah, do less shit.

01:18:01.000 Just do less shit.

01:18:02.000 You don't have to, you decide what you need to do, right?

01:18:05.000 If you're doing so much that you need an assistant, now you're going to deal with this person.

01:18:09.000 What if that person has a kidney stone or they fucking lose their car?

01:18:13.000 That's funny, yeah.

01:18:14.000 You know, you have some new person, you have to deal with their problems.

01:18:17.000 I had a real Hollywood moment once where we were like the upfronts for Whitney, the show that I did like fucking nine years ago.

01:18:23.000 And I found myself, these are fucking weird Hollywood moments, but I found myself at dinner sitting next to Vince Vaughan.

01:18:29.000 And he was like, so you're on the show Whitney now?

01:18:30.000 So this is great.

01:18:31.000 And I was like, yeah.

01:18:32.000 That's a good impression of him.

01:18:33.000 But he was like, you made it.

01:18:34.000 This is awesome.

01:18:35.000 I mean, I know you're a comedian, but now you have a show.

01:18:36.000 And I was like, oh, great.

01:18:37.000 And he was like, well, do you have an assistant?

01:18:39.000 And I was like, no, he's like, you got to get an assistant, buddy.

01:18:42.000 And I always think when getting an assistant, I always think back to Vince Vaughan's telling me I needed to get an assistant.

01:18:42.000 You made it.

01:18:47.000 And I was like, maybe I should get an assistant because Vince Vaughn said it.

01:18:50.000 Me and Vince Vaughn had a conversation once about business managers.

01:18:53.000 I pay all my own bills.

01:18:55.000 I don't want to, I used to have business managers.

01:18:57.000 And I was like, he was like, they take 5%.

01:18:57.000 Yeah.

01:19:00.000 And I was like, dude, I give him 5% so I don't have to think about it.

01:19:02.000 Yeah.

01:19:03.000 I haven't pay everything.

01:19:03.000 I don't want to think about it.

01:19:04.000 Have to pay your parking tickets.

01:19:05.000 But he's paying all of his own bills.

01:19:07.000 What?

01:19:07.000 Vince Vaughn?

01:19:08.000 Well, maybe he quit.

01:19:10.000 You think he wasn't?

01:19:11.000 He wasn't.

01:19:11.000 This was several years ago.

01:19:13.000 This was more than a decade ago.

01:19:15.000 But I remember having this conversation with him.

01:19:16.000 I'm like, hmm.

01:19:17.000 Yeah, take five.

01:19:19.000 That seems like if you had to, like, how much would you get paid an hour to do somebody else's taxes and someone else's bills and someone else's.

01:19:30.000 It's not worth it.

01:19:31.000 Especially he's making shitloads.

01:19:33.000 Yeah, he's a movie star.

01:19:35.000 Yeah.

01:19:36.000 Yeah.

01:19:36.000 I just watched him the other night and something.

01:19:38.000 I love Vince Vaughn.

01:19:39.000 Oh, Dodgeball.

01:19:41.000 I watched Made.

01:19:44.000 Have you seen that movie Made?

01:19:45.000 No.

01:19:46.000 It's like swingers and then they wanted to get the guys back together again as Jon Favreau directed it and it's Jon Favreau and Vince Vaughan.

01:19:52.000 How many years later?

01:19:53.000 Was everybody fat?

01:19:54.000 No, not yet.

01:19:57.000 Bro, they're fucking, that movie's hilarious.

01:20:00.000 Puff Daddy's in it.

01:20:01.000 Yeah, it's back when he was Puff Daddy.

01:20:01.000 Really?

01:20:03.000 Yeah.

01:20:03.000 Are you allowed to call him by his dead name?

01:20:05.000 I don't know.

01:20:06.000 Can you dead name him?

01:20:08.000 Because you know, you can't do that with transgender people.

01:20:10.000 You get kicked off Twitter for life.

01:20:12.000 If you call Caitlin Jenner Bruce, you will get kicked off Twitter for life.

01:20:16.000 I think I saw a clip of that.

01:20:16.000 I saw that.

01:20:17.000 You should be mean as fuck to Mark Marin if he wants to go for a drive, though.

01:20:20.000 No one cares.

01:20:22.000 Weird.

01:20:22.000 Hashtag it to the end of time.

01:20:24.000 Put 20 hashtags up.

01:20:26.000 No one cares.

01:20:27.000 Put it, you know, keep tweeting.

01:20:29.000 Hashtag healthcare.

01:20:29.000 Keep tweeting.

01:20:31.000 Hashtag Obama.

01:20:32.000 Hashtag first responder.

01:20:33.000 Hashtag Obama.

01:20:35.000 Obama endorsed Biden.

01:20:36.000 I'm sold.

01:20:38.000 Are you?

01:20:38.000 Oh, yeah.

01:20:39.000 He's fine now.

01:20:40.000 Once Obama endorsed him.

01:20:42.000 It's not like he can't remember anything.

01:20:44.000 Do you see what Donald Trump Jr. tweeted or he put it on Instagram that Biden is like a web browser?

01:20:54.000 It's a hilarious meme.

01:20:54.000 No.

01:20:56.000 The memes have just begun, and here we are.

01:20:59.000 It's April.

01:21:01.000 By the time November rolls wrong.

01:21:04.000 I don't.

01:21:05.000 The debate.

01:21:07.000 What is it?

01:21:08.000 His mind is like a web browser.

01:21:09.000 19 tabs are open.

01:21:10.000 17 are frozen.

01:21:11.000 He has no idea where the music is coming from.

01:21:18.000 The fact that he's posting this, this world is just insane.

01:21:22.000 Dude, I tweeted something.

01:21:22.000 The world's so strange.

01:21:24.000 I was like, I don't know if people are going to get pissed off at this or what, but I tweeted, oh, great.

01:21:28.000 Now the only thing that needs to happen is Trump and Biden need to drop out.

01:21:28.000 Bernie dropped out.

01:21:33.000 And I was like, I'm going to get fucking shit for this, but I didn't.

01:21:35.000 I think it's because I hit everybody, you know.

01:21:37.000 But like, dude, it was just like the fact that we have these options are just, I don't know.

01:21:42.000 I'm a fucking idiot.

01:21:43.000 I'm not good politically, but.

01:21:45.000 Yeah, I'm neither.

01:21:47.000 I'm not good politically either.

01:21:48.000 But it's just.

01:21:49.000 When you see, I just, the debate, Trump versus Biden.

01:21:53.000 It's going to be a mess.

01:21:54.000 We're just going to be like, what are they talking about?

01:21:58.000 Did you see Trump's press conference yesterday?

01:22:01.000 I've watched a bunch of them and I'm like, what am I doing?

01:22:05.000 He seems like the negative attention is just finally getting to him.

01:22:10.000 Oh, I saw the clip where he was like, you're nasty or whatever he was saying.

01:22:10.000 Oh, yeah.

01:22:13.000 You're a disgrace to the reporter.

01:22:16.000 Yeah, he was saying you're fake.

01:22:18.000 He always says the ratings are down.

01:22:20.000 Ratings are down.

01:22:20.000 You have no credibility.

01:22:22.000 Yeah.

01:22:23.000 His thing is to always go after their ratings, which is kind of funny.

01:22:26.000 It is funny, too, because he was tweeting about it.

01:22:28.000 He was like, I'm number one on Facebook.

01:22:30.000 People reading that on their phone.

01:22:31.000 Yeah.

01:22:32.000 People reading that on their phone as they're dying from Corona.

01:22:34.000 I'm number one on Facebook.

01:22:35.000 I'm number one on Facebook.

01:22:37.000 By the way, what even is that?

01:22:38.000 What does that mean?

01:22:38.000 How do you know that?

01:22:40.000 For how long?

01:22:41.000 Who's constantly changing?

01:22:41.000 A minute?

01:22:45.000 Number one on Facebook is like, I have the coldest part of the ocean.

01:22:48.000 Yes.

01:22:48.000 Like, what?

01:22:49.000 Who's measuring that?

01:22:50.000 It's so big.

01:22:52.000 100%.

01:22:53.000 That's the analogy.

01:22:54.000 How are you measuring that?

01:22:56.000 He said that his COVID-19, his coronavirus reports had higher ratings than the season finale of The Bachelor.

01:23:08.000 That's so surreal.

01:23:09.000 It's like, this can't be real life.

01:23:11.000 It's so silly.

01:23:13.000 It can't be real life.

01:23:14.000 The one thing about Trump is, whether you like him or not, he is funny.

01:23:20.000 Oh, he's hilarious.

01:23:21.000 He is funny.

01:23:21.000 He's hilarious.

01:23:22.000 He's a funny guy.

01:23:23.000 He might not be fit to be president.

01:23:25.000 He might be one of those, you know, but who is?

01:23:29.000 I mean, forget it, whether you think he's fit to be president or not fit to be president.

01:23:33.000 If you deny the fact that he's funny, we have a problem.

01:23:35.000 Yeah, that's where I'm at.

01:23:37.000 We can argue whether or not he's doing a good job economically or a bad job socially.

01:23:43.000 But guess what?

01:23:44.000 Yeah, he's full of laughs.

01:23:46.000 That fucking time that he was talking about buying Greenland, he goes, I promise not to do this.

01:23:50.000 And he had a photo of a huge Trump tower in the middle of Greenland.

01:23:53.000 Oh, I didn't see that.

01:23:54.000 It's hilarious.

01:23:55.000 That's funny.

01:23:55.000 Really?

01:23:56.000 It's laughed out loud for me.

01:23:58.000 I was dying when he was like, did you see the press conference where he was doing it?

01:24:02.000 He was like, yeah, they said I didn't do a good job, but I did a good job.

01:24:05.000 And this is the proof.

01:24:06.000 And he shows this little piece of paper and he goes like this, so you know that they were lying.

01:24:09.000 And he flicks the paper.

01:24:10.000 He just saw that.

01:24:11.000 He just saw it like that on TV.

01:24:14.000 Oh, my God.

01:24:15.000 He chucked it.

01:24:16.000 Fucking lunatic.

01:24:17.000 He's lunatic.

01:24:18.000 He's not what you would expect, right?

01:24:20.000 No.

01:24:21.000 When you expect a person to be like Obama or like Clinton or whoever, to be presidential, like Bush.

01:24:28.000 You don't expect that.

01:24:29.000 What I thought, but that's what I thought Bush was.

01:24:32.000 I thought Bush was the guy that everyone was like, finally, a guy like me.

01:24:38.000 A regular guy.

01:24:39.000 And I was like, okay, it'll be a while till that happens again.

01:24:42.000 And it came back.

01:24:44.000 I mean, Trump's like, he's like the guy in your family where like, oh, he's coming to Thanksgiving.

01:24:50.000 Like, this motherfucker's going to be talking the whole time?

01:24:54.000 And then you find out he's president.

01:24:56.000 There it is.

01:24:56.000 Greenland.

01:24:57.000 I promise not to do this to Greenland.

01:25:01.000 Unbelievable.

01:25:03.000 Just one gigantic Trump tower.

01:25:05.000 This is Trump in the middle of Greenland.

01:25:08.000 Oh, with the exclamation point.

01:25:10.000 Yes.

01:25:11.000 Come on.

01:25:11.000 That's fucking funny.

01:25:13.000 That's funny.

01:25:14.000 He like retweets memes and shit.

01:25:16.000 Weird.

01:25:16.000 But also like...

01:25:20.000 Look at the doctor behind him with the shawl just when he does it with her face.

01:25:24.000 Just like, what is happening?

01:25:26.000 Look at her.

01:25:26.000 Why am I here?

01:25:27.000 Okay.

01:25:28.000 Oh, so funny.

01:25:29.000 She's got the same look as if someone farted and she's not going to say anything, but she smells it.

01:25:34.000 You're like, oh, God.

01:25:37.000 She does.

01:25:37.000 And she's always wearing those capes.

01:25:39.000 She does wear a lot of capes.

01:25:41.000 Yeah.

01:25:42.000 What is that about?

01:25:44.000 Being older in New York City, too.

01:25:46.000 Respect me, yeah.

01:25:47.000 Chris Callan.

01:25:48.000 All right.

01:25:48.000 He should be on his way.

01:25:50.000 Is he?

01:25:50.000 Yeah, he's on his way.

01:25:51.000 Amazing.

01:25:52.000 Get here.

01:25:53.000 This fucking guy.

01:25:54.000 Now.

01:25:55.000 I know when he said, like, we set it up for him to get tested, too.

01:25:58.000 When he said, yeah, yeah, yeah, I think I could be there.

01:26:03.000 Are you coming or not?

01:26:03.000 What does that mean?

01:26:04.000 I think so.

01:26:05.000 Like, thanks, though.

01:26:06.000 Like, you ain't got shit to do.

01:26:08.000 By the way, nobody has shit to do right now.

01:26:10.000 Yeah, you ain't got shit to do.

01:26:11.000 He was driving to nowhere.

01:26:12.000 Where the fuck was he driving?

01:26:13.000 Where is he driving?

01:26:15.000 If he's not doing a podcast today, he doesn't have shit to do.

01:26:18.000 and I don't think he's doing a podcast today.

01:26:20.000 He's got, One, two?

01:26:23.000 He's got 80 podcasts.

01:26:25.000 There was a time where he had a lot.

01:26:26.000 Yeah.

01:26:27.000 We had like a lot.

01:26:28.000 And one of them was the intellectual one.

01:26:30.000 And I was like, hey, man.

01:26:31.000 Oh, that one was amazing.

01:26:32.000 Drop that one.

01:26:33.000 Yeah, what'd they call it?

01:26:35.000 Mixed mental arts.

01:26:36.000 That's it.

01:26:37.000 The name, dude.

01:26:40.000 Mixed mental arts.

01:26:45.000 How many episodes, however many episodes there were, that was that many too many, that too many.

01:26:49.000 That many too many.

01:26:49.000 The conversations weren't bad, but the title had to go.

01:26:52.000 I don't know.

01:26:52.000 I never listened to it.

01:26:53.000 Impossible.

01:26:54.000 Impossible.

01:26:55.000 You can't do that.

01:26:56.000 Mixed mental arts.

01:26:59.000 Yeah, something like that.

01:27:00.000 It might have been worse than that.

01:27:01.000 I might be blacking out.

01:27:02.000 I think it was that.

01:27:05.000 That's over.

01:27:07.000 He's the only guy I know with a TV show that's hoping it gets canceled.

01:27:10.000 So funny.

01:27:11.000 He's like, I can't do this.

01:27:13.000 I don't want to do this anymore.

01:27:14.000 I'm like, I told you.

01:27:15.000 He sent me a video a few weeks ago and he was like, work my whole life as an actor?

01:27:20.000 He had on like a fucking Iron Man thing and a thing that was blinking because he was dressed for the scene and he was like, this is my life, man.

01:27:28.000 And it was a rot.

01:27:29.000 Let me see if I can fucking find it.

01:27:31.000 He was like, he hates it.

01:27:33.000 He's like, it's so boring.

01:27:35.000 He goes, the people are great.

01:27:36.000 I love working with these people.

01:27:38.000 The thing is, it's so boring and it takes so much time.

01:27:41.000 I'd rather just do stand-up.

01:27:42.000 The thing is, is just, here it is.

01:27:46.000 Dave, your airdrop on?

01:27:47.000 I can send it to you.

01:27:48.000 So you can play it.

01:27:50.000 Who knows what he says if it's okay?

01:27:53.000 I can cut it out if it's bad.

01:27:55.000 What is he saying something bad?

01:27:56.000 Is that what he's in trouble for?

01:27:56.000 I don't think so.

01:27:57.000 I don't think so.

01:27:59.000 Airdrop.

01:28:01.000 Young Jamie's.

01:28:02.000 There we go.

01:28:04.000 I presented to both of them.

01:28:06.000 There we go.

01:28:06.000 You get it?

01:28:07.000 All right.

01:28:08.000 But he is a fucking, he's hysterical, man.

01:28:11.000 I don't know anyone like him.

01:28:12.000 Dude, he is the only guy.

01:28:13.000 One time.

01:28:15.000 This is how he is.

01:28:16.000 Just so you know, everybody who's listening.

01:28:19.000 One of our best friends.

01:28:20.000 Yeah, sure.

01:28:21.000 We talk a lot of shit because it's fun.

01:28:23.000 But he said.

01:28:25.000 He'd be there in 20 minutes.

01:28:26.000 Great.

01:28:27.000 We were at dinner with friends.

01:28:29.000 Sasso was there, other guys that we knew for a while.

01:28:32.000 And a few of them had never seen me do stand-up.

01:28:34.000 And we were at dinner, and I was like, I got to leave, guys.

01:28:36.000 I got to set at the comedy store.

01:28:38.000 And they were like, oh, you do?

01:28:39.000 Well, when do you go on?

01:28:40.000 And I was like, well, I got to get there early because I don't want to be late for the spot.

01:28:43.000 But as long as you get there by whatever, 9.30, come on by.

01:28:45.000 And they're like, oh, cool.

01:28:46.000 We'll all come.

01:28:47.000 So I go.

01:28:48.000 I go.

01:28:48.000 I tell the door guys.

01:28:49.000 I was like, my buddies are coming.

01:28:50.000 Sass is going to be there.

01:28:50.000 You know who he is.

01:28:51.000 Let him in with a crew.

01:28:53.000 And also, Callum's going to be there.

01:28:56.000 So I get on.

01:28:58.000 So it's like, oh, yeah.

01:28:59.000 I said, they may come when I'm going on stage, whatever, let them in.

01:29:01.000 So I get on stage, do my set, and I'm like, ah, it's cool.

01:29:03.000 My friends are here.

01:29:05.000 Get off stage and I say, hey, where'd you see my friends?

01:29:07.000 And they said, they never came.

01:29:08.000 And I said, what?

01:29:09.000 So I called Will, Sasso, and I was like, hey, Will, did you guys come?

01:29:13.000 And he was like, Brian said you were going to the improv instead.

01:29:16.000 And I said, what?

01:29:17.000 And I called.

01:29:18.000 Because he's at the improv.

01:29:20.000 So you know Brian.

01:29:21.000 So that's how I know you're good friends with Brian.

01:29:23.000 So I called Brian and I'm pissed.

01:29:26.000 I'm like, these motherfuckers wanted to.

01:29:28.000 They wanted to see me.

01:29:28.000 Why would you do this?

01:29:29.000 They'd never seen me do stand-up.

01:29:30.000 Like, it's fun for me.

01:29:31.000 Like, it's fun for me to do it for them.

01:29:33.000 It's fun for them to see.

01:29:34.000 And I call Brian.

01:29:35.000 I'm ready to get heated at him.

01:29:36.000 Just be like, what the?

01:29:37.000 Because this motherfucker had to set it to improv.

01:29:38.000 And he didn't even fucking mention it.

01:29:39.000 He probably forgot.

01:29:40.000 He's like, come on to the improv, right?

01:29:40.000 And they were like, where are you?

01:29:42.000 So he stole the time from me, right?

01:29:44.000 So I call him, and I'm heated.

01:29:46.000 I'm going to yell at him, right?

01:29:47.000 And he picks up the phone.

01:29:49.000 And before I can even talk, he says, you ruined the night.

01:29:55.000 And I said, what?

01:29:56.000 And he said, we're at the fucking improv, dude.

01:29:59.000 Come on over.

01:30:00.000 And I was like, you motherfucker.

01:30:01.000 And he was like, nah, they don't want to watch you.

01:30:04.000 They're going to watch me.

01:30:06.000 And I had to respect it.

01:30:08.000 Do you know what I mean?

01:30:10.000 Well, that's a good approach.

01:30:11.000 If you're going to do something like that, just go on the offensive right away.

01:30:15.000 It's a great, yeah, it's 100%.

01:30:17.000 You don't want to be that.

01:30:21.000 Oh, whoops.

01:30:22.000 You got to love him, man.

01:30:23.000 You got to love him.

01:30:23.000 Yeah.

01:30:24.000 That guy is just a mile a minute, and he is insane.

01:30:28.000 He's way more calm now than when he was younger.

01:30:32.000 When he was like 30 years old.

01:30:34.000 Couldn't imagine.

01:30:35.000 He always had these girls that were useless.

01:30:40.000 They were like runaways and they were stealing from him.

01:30:44.000 They would stay in his house.

01:30:45.000 It was like some new girl staying in his house.

01:30:47.000 I'm like, what are you doing?

01:30:48.000 What are you doing?

01:30:49.000 It was always a mess.

01:30:50.000 So one time I remember he came over to my house and we were going to have dinner and we were going to watch something like a fight or Something he came over my house.

01:31:01.000 He was over my house for 10 minutes.

01:31:04.000 And he goes, I got a party I have to go to, but I'll be back a little later.

01:31:09.000 I'm like, what?

01:31:11.000 I'm like, what are you doing?

01:31:12.000 You came over for 10 minutes?

01:31:14.000 Did you tell two different people that you're going over your house?

01:31:16.000 You're like, of course he did.

01:31:18.000 I might have.

01:31:19.000 I go, well, just tell them to go fuck off.

01:31:21.000 But it was like, I think it was like something where it was like some producer guy who was hoping was going to put him in something.

01:31:28.000 Sure.

01:31:28.000 He was literally over my house for 10 minutes.

01:31:30.000 Unbelievable, this fucking guy.

01:31:31.000 Play this, play this.

01:31:33.000 Look at him.

01:31:34.000 And this is the reason that I love acting because I stay on set for 12 hours, but it's worth it.

01:31:39.000 It's worth it because I get to wear a helmet and a laser tag outfit and I get to run around and point and shoot.

01:31:46.000 You know who he looks like?

01:31:47.000 Pauses.

01:31:48.000 You know what he looks like?

01:31:49.000 Who's that old Ian McClellan from the X-Men?

01:31:53.000 We played Magneto.

01:31:55.000 Yeah.

01:31:56.000 Get a photo of Ian McClellan as Magneto.

01:31:58.000 That's how he looks like it.

01:32:00.000 How does he look gayer than Ian McClellan in the fucking thing?

01:32:02.000 He does look gayer.

01:32:03.000 He looks older.

01:32:04.000 McClellan's gay, isn't he?

01:32:05.000 He's real gay and he's real old.

01:32:06.000 And Brian looks older.

01:32:08.000 And gayer.

01:32:09.000 The older gayer Magneto.

01:32:12.000 I need an image quickly.

01:32:17.000 Oh, wow.

01:32:18.000 Look at him right there.

01:32:18.000 100%.

01:32:19.000 Look at him right there, right there.

01:32:20.000 That's the one.

01:32:20.000 That's it.

01:32:21.000 That's it.

01:32:21.000 That's Callan.

01:32:22.000 That's Callan.

01:32:22.000 That's younger, straighter Callan.

01:32:24.000 Yeah, it's younger and less gay.

01:32:26.000 Look at that.

01:32:27.000 Go back to Callan.

01:32:28.000 Thank you.

01:32:29.000 Nailed it.

01:32:30.000 Nailed it.

01:32:34.000 That's Ian McKellen.

01:32:35.000 Look at the whole thing.

01:32:37.000 I'm going to be here in 10 minutes when he gets here.

01:32:41.000 That's the look of Ian McCullough.

01:32:44.000 How are you gayer than me?

01:32:46.000 Please, please don't lose this.

01:32:48.000 I want to be able to pull it up immediately and just say, Callan, guess what we were talking about?

01:32:54.000 I love fucking making fun of friends.

01:32:56.000 He looks older than that guy.

01:32:57.000 How does he look older than that?

01:32:58.000 I don't know, the lighter or some shit, the lighting.

01:33:01.000 It's working on the set makes him old.

01:33:02.000 Oh, God.

01:33:03.000 Because he hates doing it.

01:33:04.000 Well, the thing about, like, you know, I've gotten to do some cool shit.

01:33:07.000 Like, you know, I was on that show You that I really like and like, you know, I was on three episodes of that.

01:33:12.000 You know the show you?

01:33:12.000 What was that?

01:33:13.000 No.

01:33:14.000 Oh, it was like, it's like the stalker show on Netflix where like the guy stalks the girl and you're rooting for him somehow.

01:33:14.000 What is it?

01:33:21.000 And he's like, yeah, it's really interesting the way they do it.

01:33:24.000 I've never even heard of it.

01:33:25.000 It's really fucking bingeable.

01:33:27.000 Like it's like one of those where it's like, oh, the next episode.

01:33:29.000 And I had watched the first season and it was a huge hit on Netflix.

01:33:32.000 It was on the Lifetime Network.

01:33:34.000 Netflix bought it.

01:33:34.000 It wasn't a hit.

01:33:35.000 And then it just blew up.

01:33:37.000 I watched the first season and I liked it.

01:33:40.000 And then this part came up for me to do in the second season.

01:33:43.000 And I was like, oh, yeah, I want to do it because I like the show.

01:33:45.000 And it's drama.

01:33:47.000 You know, I'm not, you know, because the best version for me comedically is to do my fucking stand-up.

01:33:51.000 I don't want to be in, you know, these comedies that come out.

01:33:53.000 Who cares, whatever.

01:33:54.000 So I was like, it's interesting to me.

01:33:56.000 Yeah, I want to do it.

01:33:57.000 And I did it.

01:33:58.000 And I played the kind of like nemesis for the main guy for the first few episodes.

01:34:03.000 And it was cool, but it was drama.

01:34:09.000 So you're not like laughing all day.

01:34:11.000 Like I'm tied up to a chair.

01:34:13.000 I'm fucking, I'm doing these kinds of roles where I'm like fighting and shit.

01:34:18.000 And it's boring.

01:34:21.000 Do you know what I mean?

01:34:22.000 Like you're waiting for this shit.

01:34:24.000 Here we go.

01:34:25.000 You're doing the same thing nine times.

01:34:27.000 Hurry up and wait.

01:34:28.000 Hurry up and wait.

01:34:28.000 And then when you are doing it, you're doing the same thing nine times.

01:34:28.000 Yeah.

01:34:31.000 And it's a drama.

01:34:33.000 And I like the project and it was great to do and I'm happy I did it.

01:34:37.000 And the show is great.

01:34:38.000 I love the show.

01:34:39.000 But the actual experience, if I'm being honest, to do these, like thinking about the Revenant, like that, saying that was fun has to be the wrong word to do that.

01:34:51.000 Fulfilling, sure.

01:34:52.000 Rewarding, great.

01:34:52.000 Rewarding.

01:34:54.000 But it's not fun to be in that makeup.

01:34:58.000 Like the way you do your podcast, you just rant.

01:35:01.000 So it's like in the moment, right?

01:35:04.000 Then the way you do stand-up, you're on stage.

01:35:06.000 It's live.

01:35:07.000 It's all in the moment.

01:35:08.000 Totally.

01:35:09.000 That preparation all for the premiere.

01:35:12.000 They're all just waiting.

01:35:14.000 Here's the premiere.

01:35:15.000 And at the end, everybody loves it.

01:35:15.000 Yes.

01:35:16.000 Yay, great.

01:35:17.000 There's six months of my life.

01:35:19.000 Yeah.

01:35:19.000 And now I wait to see what I'm doing next.

01:35:21.000 And I start doing the new thing like Christ.

01:35:23.000 I know.

01:35:24.000 And then if you have one that sucks, like I was talking to Downey right after Doolittle came out.

01:35:30.000 He got bombed, yeah, I guess it did.

01:35:31.000 The bombed hard.

01:35:32.000 And the critics went after him.

01:35:34.000 Did they know that was good bomb?

01:35:36.000 It's good for a nine-year-old.

01:35:38.000 But it's just so hard to break through anyway.

01:35:41.000 It's fucking, it's not the best movie.

01:35:43.000 That's the reality.

01:35:44.000 And the guy came off of The Avengers, which is like one of the greatest comic book movie series.

01:35:49.000 I mean, he is Iron Man.

01:35:51.000 Like, you can have a bunch of different Spider-Mans.

01:35:54.000 You could replace The Incredible Hulk.

01:35:55.000 Yeah.

01:35:56.000 He's Iron Man.

01:35:57.000 You try to have some new Iron Man.

01:35:58.000 People are going to go, get the fuck out of here.

01:36:00.000 That's not Robert Smith.

01:36:01.000 I saw a clip of you.

01:36:02.000 Maybe if you went real young, the beginning of Iron Man, and he was like 20.

01:36:06.000 But Iron Man was never young.

01:36:07.000 Yeah, in the comic, sure.

01:36:08.000 In the comic book, he was an older guy.

01:36:10.000 He was a genius.

01:36:12.000 I saw a clip where you were talking to him.

01:36:14.000 I love him.

01:36:16.000 And he was saying, and you were like, it would be so, you were saying, nobody else could be Iron Man.

01:36:21.000 You got to be Iron Man.

01:36:22.000 If you ever come back, you've got to do it.

01:36:23.000 And he was like, maybe I will, maybe I won't.

01:36:25.000 And he was like, and you said, it would be so awesome if you came back.

01:36:28.000 And you said, it would be also awesome if you never came back.

01:36:31.000 Like, you know what I mean?

01:36:31.000 And I was like, that's fucking, I thought it was interesting because it's like.

01:36:36.000 Yeah, I wouldn't fucking, you wouldn't want to see somebody, because he is Iron Man.

01:36:39.000 Right.

01:36:40.000 But you wouldn't want to see him anyone else do it.

01:36:43.000 But him hanging it up after that is the shit.

01:36:45.000 Yeah, because some things go bad used to be awesome, like Star Wars.

01:36:51.000 Like I was reading this thing where this girl who plays one of the people in Star Wars was bummed out at how bad the movie was received.

01:37:01.000 And she's like, I had such an amazing time doing the film and I really loved it.

01:37:05.000 And then people just shit all over it.

01:37:07.000 And I was like, well, yeah, that's what you do.

01:37:10.000 You put something out.

01:37:11.000 Just because you enjoy doing it doesn't mean people are going to like it.

01:37:14.000 So if you're like, if you're Harrison Ford, who spoiler alert got killed, he might have got out right in time.

01:37:22.000 You know what I'm saying?

01:37:22.000 Yeah.

01:37:23.000 Yeah.

01:37:24.000 Before those things went totally sideways.

01:37:26.000 It's just like a show.

01:37:27.000 That's like Breaking Bad.

01:37:29.000 I had never seen Breaking Bad ever, and I'm on season five now.

01:37:32.000 There's a quarantine.

01:37:33.000 I'm like, great.

01:37:33.000 You know, I'm watching the show.

01:37:35.000 It ends after five seasons.

01:37:36.000 Dude, if a show goes beyond five seasons, it's really hard to maintain.

01:37:42.000 Real hard.

01:37:42.000 I mean, like, I watched Dexter.

01:37:45.000 After four seasons, I thought the first four seasons were fucking amazing.

01:37:48.000 After the John Lithgow season, I was just like, all right.

01:37:51.000 I lost it at the John Lithgow season.

01:37:53.000 The John Lithgow one.

01:37:54.000 I was like, yeah.

01:37:55.000 It's just like he would have been caught.

01:37:56.000 He would have fucking, you know what I mean?

01:37:56.000 Yeah.

01:37:57.000 It's like, yeah.

01:37:58.000 There was also, like, there's a terrible scene where he's choking some girl in a bathtub.

01:38:02.000 And like, that's not how you choke people.

01:38:04.000 It's just fake.

01:38:06.000 It's fake.

01:38:07.000 Stupid.

01:38:08.000 No, it was a rear naked choke.

01:38:10.000 Oh, it was.

01:38:10.000 And then he cut her leg in the bath.

01:38:11.000 I'm like, this is it.

01:38:12.000 And she's not even fighting.

01:38:13.000 This is not.

01:38:14.000 People would fight you like a wild animal.

01:38:16.000 You wouldn't be able to do this.

01:38:17.000 You can't hold on to somebody like that.

01:38:19.000 It just, you can't do a show for like Walking Dead.

01:38:23.000 It was great.

01:38:23.000 That's it.

01:38:24.000 For three seasons, it was fucking...

01:38:27.000 Great.

01:38:28.000 But then it's like, okay.

01:38:29.000 You got to a certain point.

01:38:30.000 You're like, this is a fucking terrible show, though.

01:38:33.000 And it's not even the show's fault.

01:38:35.000 It's the fans' fault.

01:38:36.000 You keep watching this shit.

01:38:37.000 It's like, you can't make a show good for 13 seasons.

01:38:41.000 Unless you have like 50 people that are writing it and 180 people that are working on the set and all those people have jobs and you want them to stay employed.

01:38:50.000 So everybody keeps going.

01:38:51.000 And if you quit, then everyone's going to be mad at you.

01:38:54.000 Yeah.

01:38:55.000 Your heart's not in it anymore.

01:38:56.000 I mean, like, you know, Sopranos was, I think, six seasons.

01:38:58.000 I think that's the most you can go.

01:39:00.000 Maybe, yeah.

01:39:01.000 Lost.

01:39:01.000 Lost was another one.

01:39:02.000 By the time it was over, I was like, what is this shitty show?

01:39:05.000 Right.

01:39:05.000 That used to be amazing.

01:39:07.000 People forgot about Lost.

01:39:08.000 Lost was a fucking amazing show.

01:39:13.000 I saw the first few seasons, and it was just, you know, that show got lost, I think, because it didn't come out.

01:39:23.000 It came out before the streaming shit.

01:39:24.000 You know what I mean?

01:39:25.000 If that came out a few years later, it would have been, people would still be talking about it.

01:39:30.000 But I feel like people don't, because J.J. Abrams became such a big deal, and now they talk about him doing other shit, which is awesome.

01:39:36.000 They forgot about it.

01:39:37.000 There's just too many.

01:39:38.000 The thing about shows is now, unlike back in the day, you can access all of them.

01:39:44.000 So it's not like if you wanted to watch Starski and Hutch 20 years ago, like, good luck.

01:39:49.000 Where are you going to find it?

01:39:51.000 Is there a DVD of Starsky and Hutchins?

01:39:52.000 I forgot about that.

01:39:53.000 You can't watch it.

01:39:54.000 You couldn't watch shit.

01:39:54.000 You couldn't watch it.

01:39:56.000 So once a show was off the air, it was just off the air.

01:39:59.000 But now, they just pile up.

01:40:02.000 They just keep piling up.

01:40:02.000 I know.

01:40:04.000 There's no way you can watch Handmaid's Tale, end Ozark, and Stranger Things.

01:40:09.000 That's why I give up.

01:40:10.000 You got to be okay with giving up.

01:40:12.000 You got to give up.

01:40:12.000 Like, if a show's not your bag, you got to give up.

01:40:14.000 Like Game of Thrones, I watched it for four seasons.

01:40:16.000 I know you love that fucking show.

01:40:17.000 I don't dare you.

01:40:18.000 I know, but I just, you know what?

01:40:19.000 It's not my style of show, man.

01:40:21.000 Why are you saying, you mean awesome?

01:40:23.000 No, it is awesome.

01:40:24.000 No, it is awesome, but it's only awesome.

01:40:27.000 It's like Breaking Bad, the reason why I love Breaking Bad, the reason why Sopranos, I love it so much, is because there's fucking humor in it, man.

01:40:35.000 There's humor in it sometimes.

01:40:37.000 There is zero humor in Game of Thrones.

01:40:40.000 And I get that that's a style, but I just can't be sucked into something for five, six seasons where nobody trips, where nobody is just like awkward at a table, and they're just talking about dragons in the most serious fucking way.

01:40:40.000 True.

01:40:54.000 Yeah, but there's real dragons back then.

01:40:56.000 They don't do it.

01:40:57.000 I know there were real dragons back then, but still.

01:40:59.000 They had real problems.

01:41:00.000 They had real problems.

01:41:01.000 People were like rating.

01:41:02.000 And I'm not saying the show's not great.

01:41:04.000 It's absolutely great.

01:41:05.000 And I could never fucking put that show together in my life.

01:41:08.000 It's awesome, but it's just awesome all the time.

01:41:10.000 And I need a break from it sometimes.

01:41:11.000 You need humor.

01:41:13.000 And I don't need something to be rip roaringly funny the whole time.

01:41:15.000 As a matter of fact, I don't want it to be so funny the whole time.

01:41:18.000 Sometimes funny.

01:41:19.000 Yeah, sometimes funny.

01:41:19.000 Did you watch Ozark?

01:41:21.000 Ozark, the first season I saw it was killer.

01:41:23.000 Loved it.

01:41:24.000 Did you give up after the first season?

01:41:25.000 Yes.

01:41:26.000 Because it was mostly only awesome.

01:41:29.000 The only humor that ever came is because Jason Bateman is humorous.

01:41:34.000 Yeah, it wasn't a humorous season.

01:41:35.000 It wasn't a humorous shit.

01:41:36.000 It wasn't like, yeah.

01:41:37.000 But it's so good.

01:41:39.000 The only time I can be involved in a fucking movie or something with zero humor is if it's with like Liam Neeson in it.

01:41:46.000 And he's just kicking ass the whole time until the end.

01:41:49.000 See, I feel like he's got brittle bones.

01:41:51.000 He's too old.

01:41:52.000 I don't buy him with all these face punches and stuff.

01:41:54.000 That guy's going to break his hand.

01:41:56.000 I just, taking is the shit to me.

01:41:58.000 But yeah, of course, he's going to break.

01:42:00.000 After a while, I'm like, he ain't kicking anybody's ass.

01:42:02.000 But also, you watch a show with dragons in it.

01:42:02.000 I know.

01:42:04.000 Yeah, but that's.

01:42:05.000 But this is more realistic.

01:42:07.000 This old man is going to punch somebody.

01:42:09.000 They're going to duck.

01:42:11.000 He's going to catch them on the forehead.

01:42:12.000 His hand's going to shatter.

01:42:13.000 It's going to blow up like a balloon.

01:42:15.000 That's what I know.

01:42:16.000 Yeah.

01:42:17.000 I know that.

01:42:18.000 Yeah, it's going to happen.

01:42:19.000 When a show tries to be a little bit too much, the realness of it, you're like, okay, it's not real anyway.

01:42:25.000 So just, that's what I'm saying.

01:42:26.000 I'd rather watch Outbreak than fucking Contagion.

01:42:29.000 Because it's like, especially now, I watch Outbreak the other night, and it was like, and you were like, we talked about this before the podcast, and you were like, how now?

01:42:35.000 And I was like, yeah, because it's kind of silly.

01:42:37.000 But contagion, I can't do.

01:42:38.000 I heard contagion's almost perfect.

01:42:42.000 And like, that's how these things break out.

01:42:44.000 No, it's great.

01:42:45.000 It's a great movie.

01:42:46.000 There's a game that you can play, like a virus end of the world game.

01:42:50.000 I forget what it's called.

01:42:53.000 Maybe it's pandemic.

01:42:54.000 I forget what the name of the game is.

01:42:56.000 But my kids were playing it long before all this shit was going on.

01:43:00.000 And what's crazy is the way this game works, if you have a virus that kills people quickly, it doesn't spread.

01:43:09.000 I was just saying this on my podcast.

01:43:11.000 Because it's in the virus' best interest to spread slower.

01:43:15.000 Yeah.

01:43:15.000 So it hits more people.

01:43:16.000 That's why this one's so crazy because not only does it spread, but it spreads through a bunch of people that don't even show symptoms.

01:43:23.000 No, it's slow because it wants to survive.

01:43:25.000 That's fucking creepy.

01:43:26.000 This is the weirdest fucking virus ever.

01:43:28.000 It's so weird because I've never even heard of something where people, so many people test positive and nothing happens to them.

01:43:28.000 It's creepy.

01:43:36.000 Weird.

01:43:36.000 But some people are dead.

01:43:38.000 I mean, we've lost a lot of like really cool, interesting people are gone because of this virus.

01:43:38.000 I know.

01:43:45.000 And then other people are just shaking it off.

01:43:47.000 Like George Stepanophoulos, nothing.

01:43:49.000 Well, I didn't even know you had it.

01:43:50.000 His wife's got it real bad.

01:43:50.000 Yeah.

01:43:52.000 I did a TV show with his wife way back in the day and she apparently has it bad.

01:43:55.000 Body aches and pains.

01:43:57.000 And Allie Wentworth, she's cool as fuck.

01:44:00.000 But she's really hilarious, too.

01:44:02.000 So she's got it really bad.

01:44:04.000 And he's.

01:44:05.000 How old are they?

01:44:07.000 I don't know.

01:44:08.000 She's probably like.

01:44:09.000 Like, how old is she?

01:44:10.000 I don't even know.

01:44:11.000 He's 59.

01:44:13.000 So he doesn't even have any symptoms.

01:44:15.000 He said he doesn't feel anything.

01:44:16.000 He tested positive.

01:44:17.000 And she's really struggling.

01:44:20.000 That Chris Cuomo guy, he's got it.

01:44:22.000 And he just has like a mild fever.

01:44:24.000 At night, he says it gets bad.

01:44:26.000 Yeah, mild fever.

01:44:27.000 But yeah, I mean, how much different do you think it would have been if Tom Hanks died?

01:44:31.000 Would have been rough.

01:44:33.000 But people would have been a lot scared.

01:44:35.000 Oh, yeah.

01:44:35.000 Or Rita Wilson.

01:44:37.000 You know, if his wife died, he lived.

01:44:40.000 Or she lived and he died.

01:44:44.000 Bill Withers didn't die from it, right?

01:44:46.000 He died from something else, right?

01:44:47.000 Didn't he have a heart condition?

01:44:49.000 Yeah, I don't think he died from COVID.

01:44:51.000 So he just died in the middle of it all.

01:44:54.000 So that guy from Saturday Night Live died.

01:44:57.000 Who?

01:44:57.000 Some riders.

01:44:58.000 Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:44:59.000 That they all loved.

01:45:01.000 So sad, man.

01:45:02.000 There's a lot of people gone, man.

01:45:03.000 A lot of people gone.

01:45:05.000 This is, like I said, it is a weird virus where it doesn't necessarily really make sense.

01:45:11.000 Where some people get it and it's devastating and other people get it and it's just, it does nothing.

01:45:20.000 It's weird.

01:45:21.000 My parents are fucking 72, 70, 71, 72.

01:45:27.000 My three parents, no, I don't know how they're.

01:45:29.000 But 72, 72.

01:45:30.000 I got eight parents.

01:45:31.000 My mom, my dad, and my other dad.

01:45:32.000 And no, and you know, you got to think about like, they're just at home.

01:45:38.000 My mom's 73.

01:45:39.000 Same deal.

01:45:40.000 You know, they're worried about it.

01:45:42.000 Oh, she had you young.

01:45:43.000 Yeah.

01:45:44.000 She had me when she was 21.

01:45:44.000 Yeah.

01:45:45.000 Nice.

01:45:46.000 It's one of those things where, you know, when you're older and you see the news, like the percentage of people that are like above 80 that get it, that survive, I mean, it's still like 11%.

01:46:00.000 90% that die.

01:46:01.000 Yeah, it's still like, yeah, it's still like 90% make it, but I don't like those.

01:46:06.000 No, no.

01:46:06.000 For your fucking parents?

01:46:08.000 Yeah, my parents are healthy.

01:46:08.000 Fuck that.

01:46:09.000 They take care of themselves, but fuck, man.

01:46:12.000 And look, 30-year-olds die.

01:46:15.000 Young people died.

01:46:17.000 I was reading about this woman.

01:46:19.000 She lost her husband and her 20-year-old son.

01:46:22.000 Nothing worse.

01:46:23.000 Yeah.

01:46:25.000 Nothing worse.

01:46:26.000 They don't know why, though.

01:46:27.000 This is the thing is like they're in the middle of gathering data and trying to figure it out.

01:46:30.000 So they don't know what's causing some people to have this spectacular reaction to it where they die horribly and other people, it just bounces off them.

01:46:40.000 It's not even a cold.

01:46:41.000 The blood type thing about how it might be.

01:46:43.000 Yeah, I don't know if that's any valid or whatever.

01:46:45.000 Yeah, I don't know.

01:46:47.000 It just seems to me that there's a lot to learn about this disease.

01:46:51.000 They don't really know.

01:46:52.000 The really scary shit that I've been reading is I was reading something.

01:46:55.000 Jamie, what's that article that I sent you today where they're thinking that it's possible that this they're saying that this was the it's the same this area.

01:47:10.000 Okay, what is this?

01:47:11.000 This website was reloaded.

01:47:12.000 Okay.

01:47:12.000 This is in the Daily Mail, so it might be horseshit.

01:47:16.000 The Wuhan lab performing coronavirus experiments on bats from the caves where the disease is believed to have originated with a 3 million pound grant from the U.S. ad blocker.

01:47:33.000 See, the Daily Mail's at least kind of full of shit or sensationalized.

01:47:38.000 See if that's someone's writing that that's from a paper.

01:47:42.000 But here's the thing.

01:47:43.000 What fucking paper can you really 100% believe today?

01:47:48.000 Do you have a paper that you go to?

01:47:50.000 I don't know who to go to, man.

01:47:51.000 The New York Times for me is still my number one choice.

01:47:55.000 Yeah, I mean, well, just looking at the news, too, like, I don't know what to watch either.

01:48:00.000 Because I keep it on, you know, now I go back and forth.

01:48:03.000 I literally go from the extremes.

01:48:04.000 I go to CNN and then I'll do Fox News because I want to fucking at least see what both of them are saying.

01:48:08.000 Yeah, see, I don't like this, what they're saying.

01:48:10.000 According to one unverified claim, scientists at the Institute could have become infected after being sprayed with blood containing the virus and then passed it on to the local community.

01:48:22.000 Sounds like a movie.

01:48:23.000 It does.

01:48:24.000 Well, I mean, everything sounds like a fucking movie now, yeah.

01:48:27.000 Well, our world is a movie right now.

01:48:29.000 Look at him down there.

01:48:29.000 Look at him, look at him, look at him.

01:48:31.000 Everything's fine.

01:48:32.000 Have you seen that?

01:48:33.000 Do a great job.

01:48:34.000 The cartoon, The American President, or what the hell is that cartoon called on Showtime?

01:48:37.000 It's really funny.

01:48:38.000 No, is it a Trump?

01:48:38.000 It's a Trump.

01:48:39.000 It's about Trump, yeah.

01:48:40.000 It's him.

01:48:41.000 The guy who does it.

01:48:41.000 It sounds just like, it's really funny.

01:48:43.000 No, I've never even heard of it.

01:48:44.000 Yeah, it's there's too many things to watch.

01:48:47.000 I know, I know.

01:48:48.000 Thank God you got your shit going on, man.

01:48:50.000 Oh.

01:48:51.000 You know, just do it yourself.

01:48:52.000 Oh, my God.

01:48:53.000 I can't believe when I started my podcast, like, I was like, I guess I'll try it.

01:48:58.000 And I'm like, oh, this is the best.

01:49:00.000 Yeah.

01:49:00.000 You know?

01:49:01.000 No one can tell you what to do.

01:49:03.000 Here it is.

01:49:03.000 Oh, that's it.

01:49:04.000 Yeah, the cartoon president is what it is.

01:49:05.000 Our cartoon president.

01:49:06.000 It's funny, man.

01:49:07.000 How long is it?

01:49:08.000 2018?

01:49:09.000 It's been, yeah, two, two, three years.

01:49:11.000 This has been going on for two years.

01:49:13.000 How do I not know this?

01:49:14.000 Watch him grapple.

01:49:15.000 This is too much to pick.

01:49:19.000 It says it's a Colbert show.

01:49:21.000 Colbert put this no one trolls Trump harder than Colbert.

01:49:29.000 Look at his son.

01:49:30.000 Then we showed him, we spoke too soon.

01:49:34.000 We could be your new spokesman.

01:49:39.000 Did you see Trump announced his team that he put together to start the economy again?

01:49:46.000 No.

01:49:47.000 One of the people on his.

01:49:48.000 There's only seven people on the team.

01:49:50.000 One of them is his daughter, and one of them is her husband.

01:49:54.000 He doesn't give a fuck, dude.

01:49:56.000 I think they backed off of that later in the day yesterday.

01:50:00.000 With him and her?

01:50:01.000 Yeah.

01:50:02.000 Yeah, good call.

01:50:03.000 What do you think?

01:50:04.000 Maybe she'd have the fucking smartest minds of economics and health.

01:50:09.000 How do you know they're not?

01:50:10.000 How do you know they're not?

01:50:13.000 I've heard them talk.

01:50:15.000 I've heard them talk.

01:50:17.000 I just, I don't get it.

01:50:19.000 I don't get it.

01:50:19.000 I don't get nepotism when it comes to saving the world.

01:50:22.000 It's fucking hardcore.

01:50:23.000 When it comes to saving the world.

01:50:24.000 No.

01:50:24.000 Yeah.

01:50:25.000 Nepotism, all right.

01:50:26.000 You get a job with who you get a job with who you know.

01:50:30.000 Yeah.

01:50:30.000 That's what happens.

01:50:31.000 But like, to saving the world thing?

01:50:33.000 Yeah.

01:50:34.000 This is the economy.

01:50:35.000 This is the idea is to restart the economy.

01:50:38.000 So you'd say, well, let's give them the benefit of the doubt.

01:50:41.000 Maybe they have a strong background in economics.

01:50:44.000 New Trump panel on reopening U.S. economy won't include health officials.

01:50:48.000 Oh, great.

01:50:49.000 Senior White House domestic Jared Kushner and Ivanka Trump have been expected to be part of the team, but U.S. president says they won't be included.

01:50:58.000 Oh, okay.

01:50:59.000 So he got the bad press from that, and he's like, okay.

01:51:04.000 I'm surprised he's back.

01:51:06.000 I'm surprised he's painful.

01:51:07.000 They didn't make him add more family members.

01:51:10.000 Trump will double down.

01:51:11.000 Trump teaches us shit.

01:51:13.000 Like, oh, you can just double down and it's better?

01:51:15.000 Yeah.

01:51:17.000 When it comes to some things, it's true.

01:51:19.000 I mean, how many people are just barking fake news anytime there's something they don't like or they don't agree with?

01:51:26.000 If you told me five years ago that you could just be like this, that's not true.

01:51:30.000 When you know it's true and get away with it, I would be like, no.

01:51:34.000 But you can.

01:51:35.000 As long as there's enough people that have your back.

01:51:38.000 Do you know that there's a super conservative network?

01:51:42.000 What is it?

01:51:43.000 O-A-N?

01:51:44.000 Oh, yes, yes, yes, yes.

01:51:46.000 Where the guy literally says, even when I'm wrong, I'm right.

01:51:50.000 That's my favorite news network.

01:51:52.000 That's what he says.

01:51:52.000 That's what he does.

01:51:54.000 One America News Network, also known as One America News, is a conservative, far-right news and opinion channel owned by Herring Networks, launched in 2013.

01:52:05.000 It's in San Diego, California, and operates news bureaus in Washington, D.C. That's counts here.

01:52:10.000 If you're going to go for it, then just go for it.

01:52:13.000 And this is the news, and I'm sure of it because I agree with myself.

01:52:13.000 Do you know what I mean?

01:52:16.000 Crystalia signing off.

01:52:18.000 The guy literally says when he signs off, he goes, even when I'm wrong, I'm right.

01:52:22.000 That's what he says.

01:52:24.000 Wow.

01:52:25.000 That's news.

01:52:26.000 And is he here?

01:52:26.000 Yeah.

01:52:28.000 Yeah, he's here.

01:52:29.000 What is he doing outside the door?

01:52:30.000 You want me to tell him?

01:52:31.000 He's probably talking to the SEALs.

01:52:33.000 He gets with the security guys and he starts telling war stories.

01:52:36.000 Come on, you boring fuck.

01:52:37.000 What are you telling those guys, you lying?

01:52:39.000 Shut the door, bro.

01:52:41.000 What are you doing?

01:52:41.000 Oh, dude.

01:52:41.000 What do we want to hear about your dad?

01:52:43.000 Get in here.

01:52:43.000 We're talking about One American News Network.

01:52:45.000 Bro, let me ask you a question.

01:52:46.000 I was talking about my dad was just, for the past 45 minutes, was explaining China to me.

01:52:51.000 So how did you get questions?

01:52:53.000 It's amazing that you got boring already.

01:52:55.000 You just got here, and we leveled down.

01:52:58.000 Thank you.

01:52:58.000 I like the haircut.

01:52:59.000 It does.

01:52:59.000 You look good.

01:53:00.000 This is how he always should have been.

01:53:01.000 Don't let his job bully you.

01:53:01.000 Keep it.

01:53:02.000 No, don't let him bully you.

01:53:03.000 How did you know?

01:53:05.000 How did you not know?

01:53:06.000 Okay, so how old are you?

01:53:08.000 Hold on, you need to see something.

01:53:10.000 I'm in my 40s.

01:53:11.000 There you go.

01:53:12.000 Older and gayer than Ian McClellan.

01:53:14.000 He's older and gayer than Ian McClellan.

01:53:17.000 He's older than gayer than the gay soul guy.

01:53:19.000 Hold on, that's a shitty lens.

01:53:22.000 Look at how symmetrical my face is and how sharp my nose is.

01:53:24.000 You look older and gayer than me.

01:53:26.000 I was holding water.

01:53:26.000 I'd eaten a lot of cheese properly that night.

01:53:28.000 You look like him, though.

01:53:30.000 We're looking at you and he's saying, how are you older and gayer than me?

01:53:34.000 He's biting his lower lip thinking of sucking your car.

01:53:36.000 That's what he's doing.

01:53:37.000 I met him.

01:53:38.000 When I was a young man, I went backstage.

01:53:40.000 I was in college.

01:53:41.000 And I met him after his one-man Shakespeare show.

01:53:44.000 This ends in tears, right?

01:53:45.000 This story ends in tears.

01:53:46.000 This story ends in tears.

01:53:49.000 Listen, I want to say one thing before we start anything.

01:53:52.000 Okay, just say, please.

01:53:53.000 And this is important.

01:53:53.000 Okay, cool.

01:53:54.000 Okay.

01:53:55.000 I just want to say don't be shitting.

01:53:59.000 No, I'm not going to be shitting.

01:54:00.000 I'm not going to be shitting.

01:54:01.000 I just want to say, and this is from the heart.

01:54:03.000 Okay.

01:54:04.000 I'm so, I'm being nice.

01:54:05.000 I'm so proud.

01:54:06.000 Because it sounds like you're setting something up to me backwards.

01:54:08.000 No, this is your special.

01:54:10.000 It releases.

01:54:11.000 My special is released, yes.

01:54:12.000 No pain.

01:54:13.000 So to me, it's just so satisfying to watch my student.

01:54:17.000 My student looks.

01:54:19.000 I'm telling you how this is not going to be shit.

01:54:20.000 Okay, so just in the sense that my comedy child, if you will, in a way.

01:54:27.000 Just because you used to open for me.

01:54:28.000 And so to watch you watch me and then to take me and then to even expand it, not to deepen it, but to broaden it.

01:54:38.000 Okay, so you're saying I'm like McDonald's is what you're saying.

01:54:41.000 You said that, right?

01:54:44.000 And it's good to see who you are, right?

01:54:45.000 So you're a pop comic, right?

01:54:49.000 Who has to keep reinventing himself.

01:54:50.000 Now you're 40.

01:54:51.000 Okay.

01:54:52.000 And now we got to deepen things, and that's where I'm going to help you.

01:54:55.000 And how are you going to help me?

01:54:55.000 Okay, okay.

01:54:57.000 How are you going to help me?

01:54:58.000 Magneto's helmet.

01:55:00.000 We're going to start with the helmet.

01:55:00.000 Yeah.

01:55:02.000 And then you're going to take, we're going to sit down and I'm going to give you a reading list.

01:55:06.000 Why are you dressed like a fucking mannequin?

01:55:08.000 You are dressed like a J. Crew mannequin.

01:55:11.000 You shop at J fucking crew.

01:55:13.000 Like it's 2008.

01:55:15.000 I like those shirts.

01:55:15.000 James Purce?

01:55:16.000 James Purcell.

01:55:16.000 Yeah, I do too.

01:55:17.000 But looking at you, you can't tell it's James Purce.

01:55:20.000 They make nice shirts.

01:55:21.000 Do you wear a white beater underneath?

01:55:22.000 No, dude, yes, you are.

01:55:24.000 You're wearing a fucking white beater underneath like you're in a play from the 40s.

01:55:27.000 Dude, what the fuck is wrong with you?

01:55:29.000 Look, dude, it keeps my turn.

01:55:31.000 Who wears a white beater underneath?

01:55:33.000 It keeps me tired.

01:55:34.000 It keeps my torso warm.

01:55:35.000 You've got three pairs out.

01:55:36.000 Hold on.

01:55:37.000 What's the temperature out there?

01:55:39.000 It's 78 degrees.

01:55:40.000 Unbelievable, dude.

01:55:41.000 Have you ever worn a color?

01:55:42.000 I'll explain how to do it.

01:55:42.000 Have you ever worn a color besides earth tones?

01:55:44.000 With Brian, it's 80 degrees out.

01:55:46.000 Unbelievable.

01:55:47.000 Joe, listen.

01:55:49.000 It keeps my lower back, my mid-body warm.

01:55:52.000 So if I have to generate torque, I've got to throw a kick.

01:55:55.000 I'm not going to twist my back.

01:55:56.000 So my back stays.

01:55:57.000 You should never kick anybody.

01:55:58.000 I saw your kicks.

01:55:59.000 First of all, I want to say this.

01:56:01.000 You're welcome.

01:56:02.000 On what, dude?

01:56:03.000 How about this?

01:56:03.000 You're welcome.

01:56:04.000 No, not for you.

01:56:04.000 For my special kicks.

01:56:06.000 How many wife beaters do you own?

01:56:07.000 Dude, that's what he wears underneath.

01:56:08.000 He wears underneath.

01:56:09.000 My wife won't let me wear tank tops.

01:56:11.000 You know why?

01:56:12.000 Because your wife is fucking smart and fashionable.

01:56:13.000 But you, dude, you look like...

01:56:18.000 You have an actual wife beater.

01:56:20.000 You have a real wife beater.

01:56:21.000 We should talk.

01:56:22.000 My wife's like, you already look like a wife beater.

01:56:24.000 Don't wear one.

01:56:25.000 That's what she said to me.

01:56:28.000 That's raised.

01:56:30.000 I'm like, that's great.

01:56:32.000 You do look, you have a very hard look.

01:56:35.000 She said you look like a meathead.

01:56:36.000 She goes, you don't want to give people that.

01:56:44.000 So that shows you.

01:56:47.000 What's weird is that you can always bring a conversation around to a man's anatomy.

01:56:51.000 That's what's weird.

01:56:52.000 That's true.

01:56:52.000 That is what's weird.

01:56:53.000 And now, speaking of anatomy, you're getting older.

01:56:56.000 Hey, why are you?

01:56:58.000 But now, it's cool.

01:56:59.000 When I saw you, when I see old videos of you, you look healthy.

01:57:03.000 And now you don't not look healthy, but you look less.

01:57:06.000 No.

01:57:07.000 You look less.

01:57:07.000 Right?

01:57:08.000 Listen to me.

01:57:08.000 You look like you're wearing a Brian Calamas.

01:57:10.000 So don't ever fucking sh- No.

01:57:13.000 No, no.

01:57:14.000 Okay, what?

01:57:14.000 Now, hold on.

01:57:15.000 Now, this is my house.

01:57:15.000 Number one, you're welcome.

01:57:17.000 Well, now you're welcome for Joe Rogan, right?

01:57:18.000 No, I know.

01:57:19.000 And now we're closer than you.

01:57:20.000 Yes, we are.

01:57:21.000 We are.

01:57:21.000 We're closer than you.

01:57:22.000 That's impossible.

01:57:23.000 So Joe Joe said to me a long time ago, he probably remembers, he said, he goes, hey, I go what?

01:57:27.000 He goes, this Crystalia kid.

01:57:30.000 That's so easy.

01:57:32.000 And I said, what?

01:57:33.000 He goes, is he?

01:57:35.000 And I go, he's all right.

01:57:37.000 And then Joe goes, okay.

01:57:39.000 Oh, so you gave him your blessing.

01:57:41.000 The door open.

01:57:42.000 Now, if I want to shut the door, I want to shout the door, I make a call.

01:57:47.000 I glance at him wrong.

01:57:48.000 I glance at him.

01:57:50.000 And you're banned.

01:57:51.000 Okay.

01:57:52.000 Do the rest of the show with a wife beater on.

01:57:54.000 Just a wife beater, please.

01:57:56.000 Look, dude, I'm not going to sit here.

01:57:58.000 What's up, dude?

01:57:59.000 I just don't understand how many layers you have when it's 80 degrees outside.

01:58:03.000 You look like a fucking...

01:58:03.000 Unbelievable.

01:58:07.000 You're watching a play about the 40s.

01:58:10.000 And then halfway through, he comes in and you're like, that's the trouble.

01:58:12.000 That's a guy who works.

01:58:14.000 Where's my bear?

01:58:15.000 There you go.

01:58:15.000 He's one of those guys that's...

01:58:17.000 You know those guys?

01:58:18.000 You're not like Marlon Brandon.

01:58:19.000 Yeah, because you're going to die soon.

01:58:20.000 No.

01:58:21.000 You know those girders where the guys are eating lunch and they're like 80 fucking stories.

01:58:26.000 You're on that.

01:58:26.000 100%.

01:58:27.000 You're on that picture.

01:58:28.000 One of them of all the guys sitting on the beach.

01:58:30.000 There's no wasted space on my body.

01:58:33.000 Your body.

01:58:35.000 You know what I mean?

01:58:36.000 So if you were a building, first of all, you'd be condemned, right?

01:58:36.000 I'm not.

01:58:41.000 If I was a building, I'd tell you what, I'd be more floors than you.

01:58:43.000 That's what I would be.

01:58:44.000 I would have been more floors than you.

01:58:45.000 Look at the picture.

01:58:45.000 That's you.

01:58:46.000 That sees each and every one of them.

01:58:47.000 Look at that guy right there.

01:58:49.000 The guy, right there.

01:58:50.000 The guy with the body.

01:58:50.000 That's him.

01:58:51.000 Give me more muscles than that.

01:58:52.000 Nah, that's not the best.

01:58:52.000 Nah, that's you, bro.

01:58:53.000 But what's the deal?

01:58:54.000 What about all these savages just sitting there from lunch?

01:58:58.000 What if there's a men that work with their hands?

01:58:59.000 Look at that.

01:59:00.000 Lunch box.

01:59:00.000 There's a man you don't even know anybody who's killed a baby.

01:59:02.000 You're wasting away.

01:59:04.000 Hey.

01:59:05.000 You know what I got from Chris the other day?

01:59:07.000 I sent a video and he goes, I just got this.

01:59:09.000 I got a text.

01:59:10.000 You look gaunt, huh?

01:59:12.000 I was like, you piece of shit.

01:59:14.000 Gaunt, huh?

01:59:15.000 Yeah.

01:59:16.000 My neck looks thicker with this hair.

01:59:18.000 Also?

01:59:19.000 Who the fuck is that?

01:59:20.000 He says that you're in your 50s.

01:59:22.000 I know, but my face is more symmetrical, too.

01:59:23.000 But why does it make your neck look thicker?

01:59:26.000 Just from training years.

01:59:27.000 Training what, dolphins?

01:59:29.000 I got you.

01:59:30.000 That's a fucking burn, dude.

01:59:31.000 It's not.

01:59:32.000 That's the hardest burn you have ever.

01:59:34.000 That's a stupid burn.

01:59:35.000 I fucking burn you, dude.

01:59:36.000 You didn't burn me.

01:59:37.000 Dolphins now, dude.

01:59:38.000 You clap for yourself?

01:59:39.000 I clap for myself, dude.

01:59:39.000 I do.

01:59:40.000 Fuck it.

01:59:41.000 You're wearing Gucci.

01:59:42.000 Gucci loafers, huh?

01:59:44.000 Nope.

01:59:44.000 I'm not going to shake it.

01:59:45.000 Oh, yeah, you know why?

01:59:46.000 I'm negative and you probably bought COVID in.

01:59:46.000 Because I just got tested.

01:59:48.000 You know what I'm nervous about?

01:59:49.000 My heart's beating?

01:59:50.000 I have to get my finger pricked.

01:59:51.000 I'm very squeamish about that.

01:59:52.000 No, are you really?

01:59:54.000 Can he do my sporearm?

01:59:55.000 You can just do your nose.

01:59:56.000 Is your heart try to make that thing smaller anyway?

01:59:58.000 Hey, bro.

01:59:59.000 Is your heart beating or bigger?

02:00:01.000 And ears and noses get bigger.

02:00:01.000 It's weird.

02:00:03.000 I wonder if there's something we can take to keep it.

02:00:05.000 I forgot it's COVID.

02:00:08.000 Don't be a bitch.

02:00:09.000 Dude, let me ask you a question, man.

02:00:11.000 You are your heart's beating extra fast because you got to get your finger pricked or because you're in a room with us.

02:00:16.000 Be honest.

02:00:18.000 You're in a room with us.

02:00:18.000 No, no, no, no.

02:00:20.000 I'm very comfortable.

02:00:21.000 Two young guns.

02:00:22.000 Don't say names, Brian.

02:00:26.000 Chris, he's got a lot of tattoos.

02:00:28.000 I want to talk about this.

02:00:29.000 I want to talk about this on Joe Rogan.

02:00:31.000 Okay.

02:00:33.000 No, no.

02:00:34.000 You got flames on your wrist.

02:00:35.000 You're goddamn it.

02:00:36.000 You're super dope.

02:00:37.000 Hey, guys, I'm thinking about putting grenades in my hand.

02:00:39.000 Agree.

02:00:40.000 Hard agree.

02:00:40.000 Why?

02:00:41.000 No, no, no.

02:00:42.000 You can't keep grenades.

02:00:43.000 You're not allowed to.

02:00:43.000 No, no.

02:00:44.000 So it's so distracting when you're on stage.

02:00:46.000 No.

02:00:47.000 Grenades.

02:00:48.000 Joe, why do you have that?

02:00:50.000 Because I'm a bomb.

02:00:51.000 About one grenade and one old-timey bomb, like a bowling ball with a broken ball.

02:00:56.000 That's a good idea.

02:00:57.000 Oh, yes.

02:00:58.000 Or maybe two grenades and a big old cock.

02:01:00.000 No, see, that's where it gets a little bit gay.

02:01:03.000 And, you know, it's just odd to have a cuck on your hand.

02:01:05.000 You can't tattoo your hand when you're in your 50s?

02:01:05.000 Okay.

02:01:08.000 I don't think so.

02:01:09.000 That's why I did it early on, guys.

02:01:10.000 I did it early on.

02:01:11.000 I don't think so.

02:01:12.000 Unless you're a mercenary of some kind and still grizzled.

02:01:15.000 You know what you should get on your knuckles?

02:01:17.000 Life rips, just as an ode to me.

02:01:19.000 Thank you.

02:01:20.000 It's just annoying to me.

02:01:20.000 Thank you for that.

02:01:22.000 No.

02:01:22.000 Thank you.

02:01:22.000 No, it's okay, but thank you for doing that.

02:01:25.000 No, because I took a picture with a girl after my show, and she showed me her hand, and she goes, look, and it said life rips.

02:01:30.000 Yeah, she was a plant.

02:01:30.000 I told her to go.

02:01:31.000 I tell people.

02:01:32.000 You know, I tell people.

02:01:33.000 These girls get these tattoos for him.

02:01:34.000 You know, I tell people to go to his show and wear my merch, and they show up all the time and they wear it.

02:01:41.000 It's so boxy.

02:01:42.000 I do it on the podcast.

02:01:43.000 On the podcast, it says dense.

02:01:45.000 You wear my merch at Brian Callan show.

02:01:47.000 You make sure it's 50 people.

02:01:50.000 And it says driving.

02:01:51.000 Dense?

02:01:51.000 It's nuts.

02:01:52.000 Yeah, it makes me so angry.

02:01:53.000 You know, Dense?

02:01:54.000 Because he said, because it's a saying.

02:01:55.000 Oh, it's a saying we did that he's.

02:01:57.000 Oh, yeah.

02:01:58.000 Yeah.

02:01:59.000 You stole Mike Hayden's, huh?

02:02:01.000 Okay, yeah.

02:02:01.000 Let's just say that.

02:02:03.000 And you have a paper airplane on your fucking chest.

02:02:05.000 You're damn right.

02:02:06.000 You know why?

02:02:06.000 Makes me want to throw you in a flying headlock show.

02:02:08.000 And I could.

02:02:09.000 And I could.

02:02:09.000 No, you couldn't.

02:02:10.000 I could beat you up.

02:02:10.000 No.

02:02:11.000 I could wake up from a nap and slap you around.

02:02:13.000 I wouldn't have to.

02:02:13.000 By the way, you do take naps, right?

02:02:14.000 Because you're old.

02:02:15.000 You take old.

02:02:15.000 No, I'm not.

02:02:16.000 You take naps because you're old.

02:02:18.000 Yeah, you go like this.

02:02:19.000 Well, it's 2.30.

02:02:20.000 You go like that.

02:02:21.000 And then you go, I'll see you guys at 3.30.

02:02:23.000 That's what you do.

02:02:24.000 How many times the race is?

02:02:25.000 I take a 20-minute nap.

02:02:26.000 I don't see you at 3.30.

02:02:27.000 No, if you knew anything about sleep, you take a 20-minute nap, no more.

02:02:29.000 With your legs up, right?

02:02:30.000 Because you like the blood to go down.

02:02:31.000 Yeah, dude, you're too old.

02:02:33.000 He's too old and bad.

02:02:34.000 Or 20 minutes.

02:02:35.000 I take a sitting nap.

02:02:36.000 This guy.

02:02:36.000 Who reads a fucking thing and then changes his whole life.

02:02:39.000 That's right.

02:02:39.000 That's you, dude.

02:02:40.000 You're a fucking.

02:02:41.000 The guy who's...

02:02:41.000 I'm a reader.

02:02:45.000 Didn't he run out of ideas?

02:02:47.000 That's a long time.

02:02:48.000 We had an hour just on shitting this stuff.

02:02:50.000 We fucking talked about that.

02:02:50.000 We did.

02:02:51.000 We talked about you a little bit.

02:02:52.000 Oh, you did?

02:02:53.000 We played the video of you talking about shitting in your backyard.

02:02:56.000 That's so funny.

02:02:58.000 And I ended up with, I got a lot of shit stories.

02:03:00.000 So funny.

02:03:00.000 Yes.

02:03:01.000 Have you, do you have any shit stories you've got?

02:03:02.000 We just covered a few of them.

02:03:04.000 I never shit myself, though, in my adult life.

02:03:04.000 Yeah.

02:03:06.000 I never shit my pants.

02:03:07.000 I have.

02:03:08.000 I have.

02:03:08.000 Yeah, no, I know.

02:03:08.000 And Rogue McCay has done it like 12 times.

02:03:10.000 Yeah, plenty of times.

02:03:10.000 At least.

02:03:11.000 I would bet money that it was 12.

02:03:13.000 Really?

02:03:14.000 Solid 12.

02:03:14.000 Yeah, because you push and you keep going.

02:03:16.000 Yeah, you keep going.

02:03:16.000 You take chances.

02:03:17.000 That's right.

02:03:18.000 You live.

02:03:18.000 And you live hard.

02:03:19.000 Risk taking.

02:03:20.000 You're always in a coffee shop, so you can go right to the bathroom.

02:03:23.000 Right?

02:03:23.000 Leave.

02:03:24.000 Right, aren't you?

02:03:25.000 No.

02:03:26.000 No.

02:03:26.000 I'm being polite, but he's here for his leave.

02:03:26.000 You good?

02:03:29.000 I drove all the way here.

02:03:30.000 Hey, dude.

02:03:30.000 Leave.

02:03:31.000 No, no, no.

02:03:32.000 I drove all the way here.

02:03:32.000 I'm not going to do that.

02:03:33.000 It's far.

02:03:33.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah, you did.

02:03:34.000 Yeah.

02:03:35.000 He's got a pandemic test he's going to take.

02:03:37.000 We've got to make sure we can be around.

02:03:38.000 That's right.

02:03:39.000 Now, can I ask you a question?

02:03:40.000 Okay.

02:03:40.000 But don't be shitty.

02:03:42.000 I'm not going to be shitty.

02:03:43.000 Do you think, how quickly do you think your career would stop, would screech to a hall if you shaved your head?

02:03:54.000 Well, you have barely any hair, and you don't have a career.

02:03:57.000 No, no, no, no.

02:03:58.000 Listen, I have a lot of TV shows going on.

02:04:00.000 What's the deal with it?

02:04:01.000 What ball guy are you?

02:04:01.000 What's the deal?

02:04:02.000 Oh, I didn't realize you're playing a ball guy in school.

02:04:04.000 No, I'm not.

02:04:06.000 I have a hiatus right now.

02:04:07.000 Oh, okay.

02:04:07.000 Yeah, but I have two other shows I might get into.

02:04:09.000 It might be forever.

02:04:10.000 Chris and I might be doing something.

02:04:11.000 There might be no more shows.

02:04:13.000 There might be no more shows.

02:04:13.000 No more shows.

02:04:14.000 What do you mean?

02:04:15.000 People getting together and it is crazy, but it is possible.

02:04:20.000 You know, we've been talking about when do you get back to doing live shows?

02:04:25.000 And there's people that are thinking that it's not going to be until 2021, like the fall of 2021.

02:04:32.000 It's going to be a disaster.

02:04:34.000 And there's going to be a lot of people that don't want to take vaccines.

02:04:37.000 There's a fucking meme going around, things I would trust before I would trust Bill Gates vaccine.

02:04:43.000 And it's like there's a series of them.

02:04:46.000 So unbelievable.

02:04:46.000 You mean the guy who put all his money and time into creating babysitting, and there's a bunch of different like Bill Cosby's cocktail.

02:04:55.000 I wonder if that's Russian bots.

02:04:56.000 I mean, or Russian.

02:04:57.000 Randy Kotor tweeted it.

02:04:59.000 He put it on his Instagram today.

02:05:01.000 That's a bummer.

02:05:02.000 Have you seen it, Jamie?

02:05:04.000 No.

02:05:04.000 Here, Jamie, I'll show it to you.

02:05:05.000 That's a bummer.

02:05:06.000 But I just remember, though, when they were locking the shit down and they were like, yeah, big groups of people can't gather.

02:05:11.000 And so Joe and I had to cancel our tour.

02:05:13.000 And then they were like, now 10 people can't get together.

02:05:15.000 And you were like, fuck, okay, I guess I can't do shows.

02:05:17.000 Hey, dude.

02:05:18.000 What?

02:05:19.000 That's making me mad.

02:05:20.000 I just sent it to you.

02:05:20.000 I'm sorry.

02:05:21.000 No, because they were saying the thing about how they can't go over 10 people.

02:05:24.000 You're in my house.

02:05:25.000 There it is.

02:05:26.000 Things I trust more than a vaccine from Bill Gates.

02:05:28.000 An email from a Nigerian prince.

02:05:31.000 Tapwater from Flint, Michigan.

02:05:32.000 An email from a Nigerian with Charlie Sheen.

02:05:36.000 Gas Station Sushi.

02:05:38.000 It's very good.

02:05:40.000 The top right is hilarious.

02:05:41.000 The internet wins.

02:05:43.000 Tapwater from Michigan.

02:05:45.000 A daycare run by Casey Anthony.

02:05:47.000 Will Sasso said, I said, because we did that fighter name.

02:05:51.000 Name-dropping.

02:05:53.000 You know that guy?

02:05:54.000 Excuse me?

02:05:54.000 We have a timeshare.

02:05:55.000 I love his calves.

02:05:56.000 He's the best.

02:05:57.000 He's got the biggest calves in the world.

02:05:58.000 Oh, my God.

02:05:59.000 And he could carry all of us.

02:06:01.000 He could feed us for a week with one of his calves.

02:06:04.000 You're about to talk about male anatomy?

02:06:05.000 What was he saying?

02:06:06.000 And he said, I said, me and Brandon are going to do another sketch of a 3D Fighter and Kid 3D.

02:06:12.000 I would have put you in it.

02:06:15.000 I know.

02:06:16.000 And then, because I see your face got hungry.

02:06:19.000 And I'll get you.

02:06:20.000 I'll get you.

02:06:22.000 I love doing secret shows that nobody sees.

02:06:24.000 Come on, man.

02:06:25.000 We'll get you.

02:06:27.000 So he goes, the internet's a sketch.

02:06:29.000 We don't need any sketch shows anymore.

02:06:31.000 And I was like, fuck.

02:06:32.000 In a way, you're kind of right.

02:06:33.000 Yeah.

02:06:34.000 Well, what I'm worried about, legitimately worried about, is two things.

02:06:39.000 One, this thing morphing.

02:06:41.000 There was an article that I just sent Jamie earlier about India, where they're saying that the vaccine won't work on the new strain of coronavirus that's mutated in India because India has its own version of it.

02:06:52.000 So these doctors are scrambling to try to keep up with these mutations and figure out what's going on.

02:06:56.000 Hopefully it mutates to a weaker version.

02:06:59.000 But doesn't the flu mutate every year?

02:07:01.000 Yes, sir.

02:07:02.000 And then there's vaccines for flus.

02:07:03.000 So hopefully there'll be vaccines for and the next flu could be like the fucking H1N1 that kills like 40% of the people.

02:07:03.000 Yes.

02:07:11.000 Hopefully it morphs into a weaker.

02:07:14.000 So AIDS has had to compromise itself so often with these protease inhibitors that actually now they think when you contact AIDS, it's something that incubates and you can just have without taking any drugs in some cases.

02:07:24.000 Because it got weaker.

02:07:25.000 Because it got weaker.

02:07:26.000 So the virus gets weaker.

02:07:28.000 Typically, as a virologist, I can say this, typically, as an epidemiologist and a historian, but typically I think viruses get weaker as they disseminate into the population.

02:07:41.000 I guess you would know.

02:07:42.000 Because we develop resistance to it.

02:07:44.000 You would know.

02:07:44.000 You were on Veronica's Closet.

02:07:46.000 I wasn't on that show.

02:07:47.000 You were on that fucking show.

02:07:48.000 No, I wasn't on that show.

02:07:49.000 You were on that show, dude.

02:07:50.000 You played the bald guy.

02:07:50.000 No, I wasn't.

02:07:52.000 No, he was on Sex in the City.

02:07:54.000 Yeah.

02:07:54.000 You were on Reba?

02:07:55.000 We should watch My Reel after this.

02:07:56.000 As the bald guy?

02:07:58.000 Watch my reel.

02:07:59.000 Dude, Sex in the City, you run Sex in the City.

02:08:01.000 People send me all the time shit about you fucking the girl.

02:08:04.000 What the fuck?

02:08:05.000 U.S. may have to keep social distancing until 2022.

02:08:10.000 Scientists predict.

02:08:12.000 I don't want to hear your predictions, bro.

02:08:14.000 They've been wrong about the fatality of this shit.

02:08:18.000 So how are they not wrong about that?

02:08:20.000 That's not a feasible solution either.

02:08:23.000 It's actually not phenomenal.

02:08:25.000 Here we go, dude.

02:08:27.000 Here we go, dude.

02:08:28.000 Listen, if you catch it, your constitution is, No.

02:08:36.000 Do you blanche?

02:08:37.000 Dude, is that your solution?

02:08:38.000 No, I'm dark.

02:08:39.000 I'm Italian.

02:08:40.000 You're not Italian.

02:08:41.000 How are you Italian?

02:08:42.000 Oh, you have Irish, that's where No, I'm not Albanian.

02:08:47.000 There's nothing wrong with that, but I'm not.

02:08:48.000 I know there's Italian.

02:08:49.000 No, no, I'm not saying that, but I'm saying where would you, what are you, what ethnic group do you think that you closely if you were to play a character besides what?

02:09:00.000 Japanese, I would love to play a Japanese game.

02:09:02.000 That's cool.

02:09:02.000 But you can't do that.

02:09:03.000 You can't do that.

02:09:04.000 I would love to do that, but I wouldn't even do an accent, and I wouldn't even like, I would just be kind of a little bit Japanese.

02:09:04.000 I know.

02:09:09.000 No makeup.

02:09:10.000 You don't think you'd look, you could say they do take in four.

02:09:14.000 You'd play one of the sex traffickers and that.

02:09:17.000 Right?

02:09:17.000 I would love to do that.

02:09:18.000 Can you do an accent?

02:09:21.000 I don't know.

02:09:22.000 That's good.

02:09:23.000 That's very good.

02:09:24.000 That's very good.

02:09:25.000 I have no idea.

02:09:26.000 You're barking up Rung Shi.

02:09:28.000 2022 is not good.

02:09:29.000 I don't like the sound of that.

02:09:31.000 That's 2022.

02:09:32.000 That's bad.

02:09:33.000 Well, I agree.

02:09:34.000 You were supposed to do that thing with Chappelle.

02:09:37.000 Yeah, well, we rescheduled that shit to September.

02:09:39.000 I know.

02:09:40.000 Hopefully.

02:09:41.000 How are we going to do that?

02:09:42.000 How are we going to I think they just test people.

02:09:47.000 But then Trump said that there's no way Americans are, all Americans are going to get tests.

02:09:47.000 Well, that is right.

02:09:51.000 Well, if you want to get tested, you can get tested like Brian's going to get tested in an hour from now.

02:09:58.000 It's fucking easy.

02:09:59.000 They test your blood.

02:10:00.000 I think it costs $200.

02:10:03.000 You find out right away, bam, 15 minutes later, you go, yay.

02:10:06.000 Or in your case, fuck Brian.

02:10:08.000 I don't have $200, dude.

02:10:10.000 I have it.

02:10:10.000 Oh, thank God.

02:10:12.000 He has it.

02:10:12.000 Yeah, I don't know.

02:10:13.000 I'm testing all my guests.

02:10:15.000 Anybody that comes in here, come in here 15 minutes before the show, test your blood, get in here.

02:10:21.000 I hugged him.

02:10:21.000 It's a good idea.

02:10:22.000 I hugged him.

02:10:22.000 We hugged him.

02:10:23.000 I didn't hug him.

02:10:23.000 The first guy I touched.

02:10:25.000 I haven't hugged anybody in forever.

02:10:26.000 As soon as he tested possibly, yeah.

02:10:29.000 But here's my thing about that also.

02:10:33.000 Statistically, aren't we all pretty much guaranteed to catch it and not die?

02:10:38.000 Well, yeah.

02:10:39.000 Statistically.

02:10:40.000 But some people know.

02:10:42.000 You know, the thing about it is you really can't judge this like any other virus because it seems to affect people very differently.

02:10:49.000 We were talking about George Stepanopoulos has it and he has no symptoms.

02:10:54.000 His wife has it.

02:10:55.000 She's being devastated by it.

02:10:56.000 She's sicker than she's ever been in her life.

02:10:58.000 Wow.

02:10:59.000 So it doesn't make any sense.

02:11:01.000 It's people that are healthy and young get it and they're on ventilators.

02:11:05.000 People who are old get it and nothing happens.

02:11:07.000 And then some people just die and some people don't even know they have it.

02:11:10.000 They say as many as 70% of the people that have it have no symptoms at all.

02:11:16.000 That's amazing.

02:11:16.000 They don't understand it.

02:11:17.000 Okay, so let me play a devil's advocate with all due respect to the people who perished and all that.

02:11:24.000 When you have a disease like that, and doesn't it make more sense to quarantine in a targeted way?

02:11:32.000 Don't we get people who are old and infirm with underlying conditions?

02:11:36.000 Can't we target?

02:11:38.000 But then again, is that reasonable?

02:11:39.000 Because in Italy, three generations live in the same house.

02:11:42.000 Right.

02:11:43.000 So that's why it was so devastating to the old there.

02:11:45.000 Well, your grandmother and your grandfather live there.

02:11:47.000 And places like, you know, if you don't have money and you have to live with your grandparents, what are you supposed to do?

02:11:52.000 That's a real issue.

02:11:53.000 Well, you have to be very responsible.

02:11:54.000 If you're living with your grandparents, you can't be out.

02:11:57.000 But you can't move out, you bum.

02:11:59.000 You can't say, hey, some of you quarantine.

02:12:02.000 Then it's just going to keep the virus is going to keep going.

02:12:03.000 Nobody says.

02:12:04.000 But people that are actually very at risk.

02:12:06.000 But people who are.

02:12:08.000 I get what you're saying.

02:12:09.000 Well, what I'm hoping is they can come up with antibodies.

02:12:13.000 And they can get the antibodies in people before they have an immunity to it, before they have rather a vaccine for it.

02:12:21.000 You should sell your blood.

02:12:22.000 But when people have antibodies, like Tom Hanks, I know he donated his blood.

02:12:22.000 Yeah.

02:12:27.000 A lot of people donated their blood.

02:12:28.000 Got to get some of that.

02:12:30.000 I also think that people have to take their fucking immune system very, very seriously.

02:12:34.000 People take their health care plan seriously.

02:12:36.000 They take their 401k plan seriously, their car insurance seriously.

02:12:40.000 Take your fucking personal immunity, your physical body.

02:12:43.000 Take care of that shit, man.

02:12:44.000 And most people don't.

02:12:46.000 There's a lot of people out there just eating sugar and smoking cigarettes.

02:12:48.000 Jimmy Burke, the saint that he is, Jimmy Burke is, this is what he does in New York, this guy.

02:12:53.000 He's on his bike, free of charge, and he delivers food to the poor and the old and the people who can't, you know.

02:13:01.000 And he's usually up in poor areas of New York.

02:13:03.000 And one of the frustrating things, he gets a list from that family, and he has to go buy what they want.

02:13:08.000 And he said, he goes, it's so frustrating to me because they're very poor, but they're asking for the worst food, Pop-Tarts, donuts, soda.

02:13:18.000 It's nothing that's of substance.

02:13:20.000 And he's like, I just want to, whatever time I drop it off, I want to be like, I can teach you a little bit about nutrition.

02:13:25.000 You'll be a little healthier.

02:13:26.000 And they're a lot of times really overweight.

02:13:27.000 Diabetes is such a problem and say, like in Spanish Harlem, it's such a problem.

02:13:32.000 It's epidemic.

02:13:34.000 Well, they said one of the things they're finding in New York City is the number one factor for having a disastrous result is over being overweight.

02:13:42.000 Well, yes, like the smoking in China.

02:13:44.000 This is our version.

02:13:45.000 You know what I mean?

02:13:46.000 When you're shredded like me, you're probably not going to feel it.

02:13:48.000 People who are overweight are getting fucking destroyed by this disease.

02:13:52.000 Man, that's tough, man.

02:13:52.000 Yeah.

02:13:53.000 Obesity is what's the number one factor in New York City.

02:13:53.000 Yeah.

02:13:57.000 But I think cigarette smoking's got to be high on that list, too.

02:14:00.000 I mean, when you have a cardiovascular disease, anything that's going to fuck with your lungs, respiratory.

02:14:05.000 Respiratory.

02:14:05.000 Yeah.

02:14:07.000 And it diminishes your lung capacity.

02:14:09.000 God damn, man.

02:14:10.000 This is so scary.

02:14:11.000 It was a lot more fun before you got here.

02:14:11.000 Yeah.

02:14:14.000 We were talking about shooting ourselves.

02:14:16.000 We were talking about, and you're just talking about like more.

02:14:19.000 I feel weird because you don't have headphones on and we do.

02:14:21.000 Like you're not one of us.

02:14:23.000 Why do you not have the headphones on?

02:14:24.000 I don't like the way they sit on my face.

02:14:25.000 They make your ears look big.

02:14:26.000 Yeah, they make you look good.

02:14:27.000 Look, to be honest, you have a small head.

02:14:30.000 I have a normal head.

02:14:30.000 You have a small head.

02:14:32.000 Don't say that.

02:14:32.000 No.

02:14:33.000 That's the one thing I won't take.

02:14:34.000 No, it's fine.

02:14:35.000 But yeah.

02:14:35.000 Careful now.

02:14:36.000 Don't fucking say that because then people will call me pinhead or something.

02:14:39.000 No, but no, hey, the internet wouldn't call you pinhead.

02:14:41.000 Why would the internet call you pinhead?

02:14:42.000 Guys, you still had a shirt.

02:14:44.000 Stop saying pinhead.

02:14:45.000 People wore it and it's you with your head like 8%?

02:14:49.000 It's smaller than it really is.

02:14:50.000 Hey, shrunk your head just a little bit.

02:14:53.000 So smallhead Brian.

02:14:55.000 So you're saying that now it's going to catch fire.

02:14:57.000 Now be careful.

02:14:58.000 No, I'm telling people on the internet, please don't call Brian smallhead Brian.

02:15:02.000 Okay, don't say smallhead Brian.

02:15:04.000 I don't want them to.

02:15:05.000 I'm sure they'll listen to me.

02:15:07.000 But they listen.

02:15:09.000 But anyway, Brian doesn't hurt.

02:15:10.000 It's also, here's the other thing, too.

02:15:12.000 People can call me.

02:15:12.000 It's not that bad between turps, right?

02:15:14.000 Because I'm talking and you interrupted, right?

02:15:15.000 So we can all agree on that.

02:15:18.000 So you made a mistake, and that's fine, right?

02:15:21.000 But the reason why it's okay that you have a small head is because you have a small body as well.

02:15:27.000 No, I don't.

02:15:28.000 I have broad shoulders.

02:15:29.000 Although your head looks small for your body, at least your body's still on the small side, but it's not small enough to make your head look proportionate.

02:15:35.000 Look at me.

02:15:36.000 What?

02:15:36.000 You line up 100 sports.

02:15:38.000 I beat you in 99, right?

02:15:40.000 We know you lose to him, man.

02:15:41.000 I would lose to him in something that required if you said, well, being a contortionist, you know, you got to be bendy, and that's a sport.

02:15:51.000 He can move his body.

02:15:53.000 You're very careful about me.

02:15:53.000 You're very bendy.

02:15:54.000 He can move his body.

02:15:55.000 They don't say that.

02:15:56.000 They go like this.

02:15:57.000 I used to think my name was He Can Move His Body.

02:15:59.000 What the fuck people would be pointing and looking at me?

02:16:01.000 I'm like, Chris.

02:16:02.000 You're bendy because you don't stand for anything.

02:16:05.000 Would you be interested in having a competition with him in some sort of sport?

02:16:08.000 We already tried.

02:16:08.000 Yeah, but he would lose.

02:16:10.000 Would you try it?

02:16:11.000 He can't.

02:16:11.000 Oh, my God.

02:16:12.000 He's singing.

02:16:12.000 He has no wind.

02:16:13.000 I got wind, bro.

02:16:14.000 You got no wind, bro.

02:16:15.000 I got no wind?

02:16:16.000 You go, you broke out.

02:16:17.000 You should see me do it.

02:16:18.000 We had to do see who could hold a note longer.

02:16:20.000 Yeah, okay, cool.

02:16:20.000 Hold a note longer.

02:16:21.000 I mean, I beat him by, I mean, it was embarrassing.

02:16:23.000 Okay, fine.

02:16:23.000 How long did you beat him by?

02:16:25.000 It was a while, but my note was way better.

02:16:27.000 No.

02:16:29.000 No, see, your shit is fucked.

02:16:30.000 You do sound like a singer.

02:16:32.000 You can sing.

02:16:32.000 I saw when you were washing your hands, you were singing.

02:16:34.000 Like an opera singer.

02:16:35.000 Ah, stop, guys.

02:16:38.000 We're not calling.

02:16:40.000 No, no, no.

02:16:41.000 This is just Josh Groban's song.

02:16:42.000 I mean, he's not.

02:16:44.000 He's fucking complimenting you.

02:16:46.000 I've never heard that guy sing.

02:16:47.000 Yeah, that's a Harry Communication.

02:16:48.000 Oh, yeah.

02:16:49.000 He's got, he sings weird stuff, like old-timey.

02:16:52.000 A young guy who would sing fucking.

02:16:52.000 Yeah, yeah.

02:16:54.000 That's like some Harry Connick Jr. type shit.

02:16:56.000 But new.

02:16:56.000 Yeah.

02:16:57.000 Yeah.

02:16:58.000 He's a funny dude.

02:16:59.000 Have you ever met him?

02:17:00.000 Josh Robin's a good guy.

02:17:00.000 No.

02:17:02.000 Great sense of humor.

02:17:02.000 Funny guy.

02:17:03.000 I believe you.

02:17:04.000 Yeah.

02:17:04.000 You don't have to push it.

02:17:04.000 Yeah, dude.

02:17:05.000 What's the deal, man?

02:17:06.000 Fucking chilling this Josh Robin.

02:17:08.000 People on the internet.

02:17:08.000 He's an amazing man.

02:17:09.000 He's the best guy.

02:17:10.000 Dude, the people on the internet don't say that Brian Callen is the biggest Josh Robin fan.

02:17:14.000 Don't do that.

02:17:15.000 And don't say he has a small head.

02:17:18.000 Wow.

02:17:18.000 Hey.

02:17:19.000 Hey, you might be the youngest fan.

02:17:22.000 I might be the youngest fan.

02:17:23.000 Josh Groban.

02:17:25.000 I think a lot of girls like him.

02:17:28.000 Of course.

02:17:28.000 He's handsome, right?

02:17:29.000 He's cute.

02:17:30.000 He's a cutie pie.

02:17:30.000 What does that mean?

02:17:31.000 What's the difference between cutie?

02:17:32.000 He's got crystallier hair, a little thicker, and with depth to his hair.

02:17:35.000 Is he thicker than me?

02:17:35.000 No, no, no, his hair.

02:17:36.000 Oh, bro.

02:17:37.000 What are you saying?

02:17:38.000 Well, that's okay.

02:17:39.000 Well, no, I'm okay.

02:17:40.000 Dude, I'm 40.

02:17:41.000 I made it, bro.

02:17:41.000 Now, you have...

02:17:43.000 He dodged.

02:17:44.000 He's a bullet of hair.

02:17:44.000 I'm fine.

02:17:45.000 He's good.

02:17:45.000 No, no, he's good.

02:17:45.000 Okay.

02:17:46.000 But your beard is a little...

02:17:52.000 Awesome.

02:17:52.000 No.

02:17:53.000 A little darker than normal.

02:17:54.000 So?

02:17:55.000 Somebody is using?

02:17:57.000 No, fuck that.

02:17:59.000 You're dying your hair.

02:17:59.000 No, I don't give that.

02:18:00.000 I don't give white in his hair.

02:18:02.000 Why would I dye my hair, bro?

02:18:04.000 I can't wait to be a Silver Fox, dude.

02:18:06.000 And guess who's going to be one?

02:18:08.000 Are you saying that he purposely dyes some of the hairs?

02:18:12.000 He might be taking some mascara to his beard.

02:18:14.000 That's okay.

02:18:15.000 There's a weird thing when you see a guy and all of a sudden his beard is dark, and you're like, hey.

02:18:20.000 That's the thing.

02:18:21.000 It's like, we know you, dude.

02:18:23.000 Yeah.

02:18:24.000 What are you doing now?

02:18:24.000 We've seen you before.

02:18:25.000 All of a sudden, why is your beard dark?

02:18:27.000 Your beard used to be white and now it's black.

02:18:29.000 Yes.

02:18:30.000 And it's a weird reddish kind of brown.

02:18:33.000 You know, that shitty dye.

02:18:35.000 I've done just for men.

02:18:37.000 And then my friend, I think it was Burke, said, hey, don't ever do that again.

02:18:40.000 Yeah, because it just doesn't look natural.

02:18:42.000 It's bad for him.

02:18:43.000 Ah, whatever.

02:18:44.000 Though you're an actor, sometimes you have to fucking die to play, you know, if you're going to play younger, if you're going to play like 55, you'd want to die.

02:18:50.000 Careful now.

02:18:50.000 I'm sorry.

02:18:51.000 Careful.

02:18:53.000 My gray is sexy.

02:18:54.000 I'm a good-looking man.

02:18:55.000 What's the difference between sexy gray and I'm dying?

02:18:58.000 I'm athletic.

02:18:59.000 I got a strong jaw.

02:19:00.000 So you're keeping it together.

02:19:02.000 Like you're keeping it together, but you're gray.

02:19:04.000 Have you seen me move around a ring or on a mat or something?

02:19:04.000 Yeah.

02:19:07.000 Are you still boxing?

02:19:08.000 Still doing that?

02:19:09.000 How's your shoulders?

02:19:10.000 Doesn't bother your shoulders.

02:19:11.000 Oh, dude, dude, this motherfucker.

02:19:13.000 How annoying are you about this boxing bullshit?

02:19:15.000 Dude, I was in.

02:19:16.000 Goddamn motherfucker.

02:19:18.000 I got to JFL.

02:19:19.000 You know, JFL, the fucking.

02:19:20.000 Just for laughs?

02:19:21.000 Yeah, just for laughs at Montreal.

02:19:23.000 I get there early.

02:19:23.000 I get there.

02:19:24.000 And I got my shows later the night.

02:19:25.000 And I'm like, ah, fucking, yeah, it's awesome.

02:19:26.000 I get to see everybody.

02:19:27.000 It's fun.

02:19:28.000 We're in Montreal, whatever.

02:19:30.000 The fucking elevator.

02:19:31.000 By the way, I didn't even know he was there.

02:19:32.000 The elevator opens.

02:19:33.000 This guy walks out in, it looked like it was his schooled outfit, but he was going to the gym and a fucking bitch ass backpack.

02:19:41.000 And I go like this, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

02:19:44.000 Where are you going?

02:19:45.000 And he goes like this.

02:19:46.000 Oh, come on, man.

02:19:47.000 And I was like, no, no, no, no, no.

02:19:48.000 Where are you going right now?

02:19:50.000 It was like 11 in JFL.

02:19:52.000 I was trying to sneak away.

02:19:53.000 Be sleeping still because we're all comedians and it's 11 and we're on vacation, basically.

02:19:58.000 It's actually really eight or it's actually seven.

02:19:58.000 And it's ages away.

02:20:00.000 Yeah, exactly.

02:20:01.000 So be sleeping still.

02:20:02.000 And this guy, I got it out of him.

02:20:04.000 He goes, he goes, there's a gym nearby.

02:20:06.000 I'm going to go box.

02:20:07.000 And I was like, you know what?

02:20:08.000 You're so fucking annoying about this shit.

02:20:09.000 You go boxing with comedy festival.

02:20:12.000 He goes, because I said, there's a guy who's going to take me around the ring.

02:20:15.000 I'm going to practice.

02:20:16.000 And he goes, okay, turn around right now.

02:20:19.000 Yeah.

02:20:20.000 And put your buck out.

02:20:21.000 You're not going to boxing.

02:20:22.000 The fact that he brought like things to the JFL to be like, oh, I got to pack this.

02:20:26.000 I want to be ready in case there's a situation, dude.

02:20:28.000 And I have to protect people.

02:20:29.000 What situation, bro?

02:20:30.000 I got it.

02:20:31.000 Look at the people you hang out with.

02:20:32.000 They can all take care of you.

02:20:33.000 You hang out with Shob and fucking Rogan.

02:20:34.000 I know, but what if somebody starts giving you a shove around?

02:20:37.000 Me?

02:20:37.000 Yeah, and then you can get a huge hole.

02:20:38.000 I can take care of myself, man.

02:20:40.000 Shove around?

02:20:40.000 Yeah, they start giving you a shove around.

02:20:42.000 Osotagari.

02:20:44.000 Osotagari.

02:20:45.000 That's a judo move.

02:20:47.000 Yeah.

02:20:48.000 Osotagari all day long, man.

02:20:50.000 That's this.

02:20:50.000 Somebody comes at me.

02:20:51.000 Osotogari all day long, man.

02:20:53.000 All day long.

02:20:53.000 Dude.

02:20:54.000 You're coming at me?

02:20:55.000 Osotagari all day long.

02:20:56.000 Wow, you're actually doing the move, bro.

02:20:58.000 Yeah, man.

02:20:59.000 Come on, bro.

02:20:59.000 You've studied a little.

02:21:00.000 You've trained a little.

02:21:03.000 I'm on it, man.

02:21:03.000 You know what I mean?

02:21:04.000 Yeah, bro.

02:21:05.000 You speak fucking Japanese.

02:21:08.000 I'm on it, dude.

02:21:09.000 I can get up to six.

02:21:10.000 That's pretty good.

02:21:11.000 Six Osotogaris.

02:21:12.000 What's wrong with your shoulders?

02:21:13.000 Just one.

02:21:14.000 So they're narrow, right?

02:21:15.000 Oh, I'm sorry.

02:21:16.000 You were saying physically.

02:21:17.000 You can't throw punches?

02:21:18.000 No, I can't.

02:21:18.000 I can't.

02:21:19.000 But they slope on your head, right?

02:21:20.000 And you come at me, I check hook you.

02:21:22.000 Your whole.

02:21:22.000 A lot of guys, when they get older, that's what starts going.

02:21:24.000 That's exactly right.

02:21:26.000 So I got to do a whole warm-up.

02:21:28.000 Or, you know what you could do?

02:21:29.000 Stop boxing.

02:21:30.000 No.

02:21:31.000 You could do that because you're an actor.

02:21:32.000 But I might have to protect you because all of a sudden you crawl in the fetal position and help me.

02:21:36.000 But I got that.

02:21:37.000 And then what I got to do.

02:21:38.000 I got to step off.

02:21:38.000 I don't do that.

02:21:39.000 Get off my friend right now.

02:21:40.000 And then you pee.

02:21:41.000 No, no, no, no.

02:21:42.000 I got to go to my car.

02:21:43.000 I'm going to shoot fucking pants and they don't fit you.

02:21:45.000 Why?

02:21:46.000 Because my legs are from sports and you still haven't grown up.

02:21:49.000 I'm in that.

02:21:49.000 How about that shit, though?

02:21:50.000 You're your cats.

02:21:51.000 It's a disagreement.

02:21:52.000 Lie and say my legs aren't getting bigger.

02:21:53.000 Go ahead and lie.

02:21:54.000 You've been lifting?

02:21:54.000 What have you been doing?

02:21:55.000 Yeah, dude.

02:21:56.000 The upper legs.

02:21:56.000 I do squats.

02:21:57.000 I do rear-elevated split squats.

02:22:00.000 No, I saw that.

02:22:01.000 Now, your knees.

02:22:02.000 What does that mean?

02:22:03.000 Rear-elevated split squats?

02:22:04.000 To me, they're the worst exercise.

02:22:06.000 Your knees could go in at any minute, right?

02:22:07.000 Was I saying something?

02:22:08.000 Okay, keep going.

02:22:10.000 So you do like this, and you keep your leg elevated, and you just go down on one of the Bulgarian one-legged squat.

02:22:16.000 Oh, so it's like a lunge.

02:22:16.000 Yeah.

02:22:19.000 Kind of, yeah.

02:22:20.000 But it's less with your back leg.

02:22:22.000 How often are you in dance class?

02:22:22.000 Okay.

02:22:24.000 Two or three times a week.

02:22:25.000 Good.

02:22:27.000 I want to dance.

02:22:28.000 Yeah, we know, man.

02:22:29.000 Well, when you should have a little bit of a muscle.

02:22:31.000 Yeah, you might be forced to.

02:22:34.000 Yeah, and then you can get a hip replacement.

02:22:34.000 Just use your legs and dance.

02:22:36.000 Right now, my shoulders are perfect.

02:22:37.000 Why do you wear gray shirts?

02:22:38.000 I don't know.

02:22:39.000 Well, it sweats always under your armpits.

02:22:41.000 Everybody knows that.

02:22:42.000 So why do you wear gray shirts all the time?

02:22:44.000 Lift your arms up.

02:22:44.000 I burn high.

02:22:45.000 You run hot.

02:22:45.000 Jesus.

02:22:46.000 Well, you wear three layers.

02:22:47.000 Just wear a black hat, dude.

02:22:49.000 This guy.

02:22:50.000 He's wearing three fucking layers.

02:22:50.000 Why am I sweating?

02:22:51.000 And it's LA.

02:22:53.000 Because I run hot, Jack.

02:22:54.000 Look, one layer.

02:22:55.000 That's pretty cool.

02:22:56.000 No sweat?

02:22:57.000 Yeah, you look thick.

02:22:58.000 No underarm sweat.

02:22:59.000 You have a nice body.

02:23:00.000 Nothing.

02:23:01.000 You have a nice body.

02:23:01.000 Very flexible.

02:23:02.000 Can do the splits.

02:23:02.000 I know, dude.

02:23:03.000 Chill, I get it.

02:23:04.000 Can you even...

02:23:06.000 I would imagine you must be mainly cardboard.

02:23:09.000 I mean, as far as how tight you are, right?

02:23:11.000 No, I'm tight, bro.

02:23:12.000 Oh, God, yeah.

02:23:13.000 Have you ever touched your toes?

02:23:14.000 No.

02:23:15.000 Bro, I'm way more flexible than you.

02:23:16.000 Oh, that's ridiculous.

02:23:17.000 Let's bring some realness into this.

02:23:20.000 Let's stop the humor.

02:23:21.000 I know we're being silly.

02:23:22.000 I know.

02:23:22.000 But, dude, I'm way more flexible than you.

02:23:25.000 Are you flexible?

02:23:26.000 He's whispier.

02:23:27.000 You're wispier, right?

02:23:28.000 You're blowing up the wind, right?

02:23:29.000 So you're wishing.

02:23:30.000 Who could just stand there and flatten out better?

02:23:33.000 Me, 100%.

02:23:34.000 Put your body flat out.

02:23:35.000 And me to gain me.

02:23:36.000 100%.

02:23:37.000 Let's do this.

02:23:37.000 Bend down to touch the toes you're talking about?

02:23:39.000 Yeah, but like flatten yourself.

02:23:40.000 There's no way I could almost get to my elbows.

02:23:41.000 Grab your toes and bring your head to your knees.

02:23:44.000 You boys are good torch in this, man.

02:23:45.000 Put me in a box.

02:23:46.000 Put me in a box.

02:23:46.000 What?

02:23:47.000 Put you in a box.

02:23:48.000 Put me in a small box.

02:23:49.000 You could probably fit in a box, huh?

02:23:51.000 I would like to see both of you do this.

02:23:52.000 I would like to see one at a time.

02:23:54.000 Brian?

02:23:55.000 I can't right now because I pushed a sled.

02:23:57.000 I did some sled work.

02:23:59.000 You are as old as Santa.

02:24:00.000 Nope.

02:24:01.000 What happened when you do sled work that makes you strong?

02:24:03.000 I'm very sore right now.

02:24:05.000 Your hamstrings?

02:24:06.000 Yeah, everything's sore.

02:24:07.000 My butt.

02:24:08.000 You're pushing sleds?

02:24:09.000 I was pushing a sled.

02:24:09.000 You working with a strength and conditioning coach?

02:24:12.000 Yes.

02:24:12.000 The answer is yes.

02:24:13.000 And nothing's growing, but I got to tell you, that gets you strong.

02:24:18.000 You're not growing?

02:24:19.000 You're not getting strong.

02:24:20.000 You're not eating enough.

02:24:20.000 You don't eat enough.

02:24:21.000 He dicks his food around.

02:24:22.000 Dude, eat it.

02:24:23.000 Don't say I can't eat it.

02:24:24.000 Dick that motherfucker.

02:24:25.000 Now, how are you eating?

02:24:26.000 Because he does it primarily in restaurants, and now there's no restaurants.

02:24:30.000 Today I had some butcher box filet mignon.

02:24:33.000 Snore.

02:24:34.000 Yeah.

02:24:34.000 It's French.

02:24:35.000 And I had some arugula.

02:24:36.000 Snore.

02:24:37.000 Now hold on.

02:24:39.000 Then I had some chicken with lettuce.

02:24:42.000 So my point is you have to cook.

02:24:43.000 Snore, snore.

02:24:44.000 Because you were, like, that must have been your number one complaint.

02:24:44.000 Yeah.

02:24:48.000 Like, what the fuck?

02:24:49.000 You're closing restaurants.

02:24:50.000 That's exactly right.

02:24:51.000 That's exactly right.

02:24:51.000 Well, you know what?

02:24:52.000 You know what the thing is?

02:24:54.000 You know what I miss is your great Instagram videos of you in a dimly litted restaurant when you're with Frank Frillo.

02:25:01.000 Yeah.

02:25:02.000 And you're like, hey, we're just having a wine.

02:25:06.000 Because that's what you're doing.

02:25:09.000 But that's the content that not only I want, everyone wants on Instagram.

02:25:14.000 When I think of Instagram, I think of the naked girls that are pretending to show their watch, but really they're showing their cleavage.

02:25:20.000 I'm thinking about the funny videos that all these young guys are doing.

02:25:23.000 And the third thing that comes to mind is you in a dimly lit fucking restaurant somewhere in Venice.

02:25:29.000 Oops, I'm still talking.

02:25:30.000 With Frank Grillo talking about how good the guy that wine is.

02:25:34.000 And you also have a Navy SEAL with you.

02:25:36.000 Usually, probably.

02:25:36.000 Always.

02:25:37.000 Why is it always Frank Grillo?

02:25:39.000 He's your dining buddy?

02:25:40.000 That's my dining buddy.

02:25:41.000 He's a bachelor.

02:25:43.000 He's my neighbor.

02:25:43.000 So we have nothing to do.

02:25:44.000 So we're both COVID safe.

02:25:46.000 Sad guys.

02:25:47.000 I can't hang out with him.

02:25:47.000 I'm putting you off your COVID safe.

02:25:49.000 We take a risk.

02:25:50.000 You haven't been chanced.

02:25:51.000 He's too good looking to get COVID.

02:25:53.000 We're close.

02:25:55.000 We're close.

02:25:56.000 Grillo's a good-looking guy.

02:25:59.000 You want to be friends with him so badly.

02:26:00.000 Bro, let me tell you right now.

02:26:01.000 I'll tell you right now.

02:26:02.000 Tell him to come here in 45 minutes.

02:26:02.000 I'm cool.

02:26:04.000 You can get tested too.

02:26:05.000 That's a good call.

02:26:06.000 Look, I will.

02:26:06.000 I'm cool.

02:26:06.000 I will.

02:26:07.000 And I'll tell you right now, I haven't done it.

02:26:07.000 Text him.

02:26:08.000 I haven't even put my fucking shit out there yet.

02:26:11.000 If I want, I can be better friends with Grillo than you are.

02:26:13.000 That's and you know what?

02:26:15.000 The crazy thing about it is?

02:26:16.000 He knows deep down.

02:26:17.000 No, no, no.

02:26:18.000 He knows deep down.

02:26:18.000 Don't say that.

02:26:20.000 I'm just hoping these fucking restaurants like Felix stay open.

02:26:24.000 I'm worried.

02:26:26.000 I fucking crave that place.

02:26:28.000 They have takeout FelixLA.com.

02:26:31.000 You're too far.

02:26:32.000 But, dude.

02:26:32.000 I'll take a chance.

02:26:33.000 Oh, it's the best.

02:26:34.000 No, no, that would kill me.

02:26:36.000 I talked to Janet.

02:26:37.000 Yeah, how's she doing?

02:26:38.000 She had to lay off.

02:26:39.000 She had to furlough 700 employees.

02:26:41.000 This is a fucking disaster.

02:26:43.000 Oh, my God.

02:26:43.000 700.

02:26:44.000 And for someone like that who creates that much employment, she's got all these great restaurants.

02:26:48.000 It's a nightmare.

02:26:48.000 It's a nightmare, man.

02:26:49.000 Jesus.

02:26:50.000 Jesus Christ.

02:26:51.000 700.

02:26:52.000 You ever been to that place, Felix, in Venice?

02:26:55.000 I don't think so.

02:26:56.000 Fucking amazing.

02:26:57.000 It's so good.

02:26:58.000 Look, I generally don't eat pasta, but at that place I do.

02:27:02.000 It's so good.

02:27:03.000 I ate there once when I was on that carnivore diet.

02:27:05.000 I did the whole month of January, and I ate with Brian.

02:27:08.000 And what is the dude's name that her friend?

02:27:12.000 Kyle.

02:27:13.000 And so we all.

02:27:14.000 I'm sorry.

02:27:14.000 I mean, I'm sorry.

02:27:14.000 Alex.

02:27:15.000 Alex.

02:27:16.000 Just pick up a name first and then say the real one.

02:27:18.000 It's not even close to fucking Kyle.

02:27:18.000 Alex Engines.

02:27:20.000 I had probably the best steak I've ever had in my life.

02:27:22.000 I agree.

02:27:23.000 It's amazing.

02:27:24.000 It's unbelievable.

02:27:24.000 It's so good.

02:27:25.000 But it's just like everything, the atmosphere, the foods.

02:27:29.000 It would be such a tragedy if that place went under.

02:27:31.000 Well, you know...

02:27:35.000 You never go out to dinner.

02:27:37.000 You go to Swingers only.

02:27:38.000 Oh, that close.

02:27:39.000 They went under.

02:27:40.000 They cleaned up.

02:27:41.000 They went crazy.

02:27:43.000 That was my favorite diner, man.

02:27:44.000 It was a killer diner you'd go to.

02:27:45.000 24 hours a day.

02:27:47.000 You can go there at 3 o'clock in the morning and get an amazing meal.

02:27:50.000 It was awesome.

02:27:51.000 That place was so good.

02:27:52.000 Joey Diaz called me so sad.

02:27:54.000 He goes, Joe Rogan, how many times you take me to fucking Swingers?

02:27:56.000 I know.

02:27:57.000 Do you know that this guy, let me tell you what his routine was forever.

02:28:00.000 Forever.

02:28:01.000 Ready?

02:28:02.000 He would wake up because I would watch Chris and I go, let's go eat.

02:28:04.000 Come down to Venice.

02:28:05.000 No, no, no, no.

02:28:06.000 And he never went out ever, ever.

02:28:07.000 He never went out to dinner.

02:28:09.000 I was like, what's going on?

02:28:10.000 Never had a drink of alcohol.

02:28:11.000 So I was like, what do you do?

02:28:12.000 And he goes, well, I have a routine.

02:28:14.000 I said, what is it?

02:28:14.000 He goes, I usually sleep till 12.

02:28:19.000 And then I get up and I drink coffee.

02:28:22.000 Yes.

02:28:22.000 And then I get on Facebook.

02:28:26.000 And then I go to the supermarket, supermarket.

02:28:29.000 And then I get white bread, mustard, tomato.

02:28:34.000 I don't eat mustard.

02:28:35.000 You always say fried mustard.

02:28:36.000 White bread, mayonnaise, turkey.

02:28:38.000 Yeah, and cheese.

02:28:39.000 And cheese.

02:28:40.000 And I eat that.

02:28:41.000 Then I hang around, have coffee again.

02:28:44.000 And then he goes, then I take a shower.

02:28:47.000 Then like I go back on Facebook.

02:28:49.000 Well, and then I write a joke maybe, and then I go do stand-up.

02:28:55.000 Yeah, every single day.

02:28:56.000 But you forgot to fucking level the room part.

02:28:57.000 You forgot to level the room part.

02:28:59.000 But bro, that life was awesome.

02:29:01.000 That was awesome.

02:29:02.000 And I'm glad I did that.

02:29:02.000 And you're saying it like I would be insecure when I'm saying it.

02:29:05.000 And I didn't say it like that.

02:29:06.000 I did say those things, but I didn't say it like that.

02:29:08.000 You are a house cat.

02:29:09.000 You are as active as a house cat.

02:29:12.000 Is that fair?

02:29:12.000 This is bullshit.

02:29:13.000 This is bullshit.

02:29:13.000 You're a man cat.

02:29:14.000 You stretch, you hang around.

02:29:16.000 Nobody can hang more than you doing nothing.

02:29:18.000 Dude, my shoulders go far.

02:29:22.000 Stop.

02:29:23.000 Stop talking about my shoulders.

02:29:24.000 I have shoulders for my days.

02:29:26.000 My shoulders go on for days.

02:29:28.000 You want to know the future?

02:29:29.000 You ask Me listen, my shoulders, what you see are traps and a neck.

02:29:34.000 That's from sports, that's from combat sports, that's from being a wrestler, that's from coming into contact with objective reality.

02:29:40.000 Oh, sorry.

02:29:40.000 COVID.

02:29:41.000 Objective reality.

02:29:42.000 I don't say COVID.

02:29:43.000 It's obnoxious.

02:29:44.000 I don't say Corona.

02:29:44.000 I say COVID.

02:29:45.000 I say COVID because you live essentially in the Shire.

02:29:47.000 You're basically a manhobbit, aren't you?

02:29:49.000 Taller.

02:29:50.000 The Shire?

02:29:51.000 He's an innocent.

02:29:52.000 Chris is an innocent.

02:29:53.000 Hey, look, it's Brian.

02:29:55.000 You know what?

02:29:59.000 What is that fucking mean?

02:30:01.000 Hey, look, it was Brian years ago.

02:30:02.000 You crushed you.

02:30:02.000 Look, it was Brian years ago, and now it's Brian.

02:30:06.000 He's withering away away.

02:30:08.000 He's withering away.

02:30:09.000 I weigh as much as you can.

02:30:09.000 No, I'm not.

02:30:10.000 You drink a lot of water?

02:30:11.000 Yeah, but give me some right now.

02:30:13.000 Hey, dude, be nice about it, man.

02:30:15.000 Get away before you get to it.

02:30:16.000 I should have coffee right now.

02:30:18.000 You're not a good host.

02:30:20.000 By the way, you have coffee all over the place.

02:30:22.000 You have people that work here.

02:30:23.000 Are these fucking...

02:30:26.000 No, those are wild boars' tusks.

02:30:30.000 Wow.

02:30:30.000 Yeah.

02:30:31.000 From my buddy Adam Greentree.

02:30:32.000 Same guy who shot that thing.

02:30:33.000 He gave me those.

02:30:34.000 Have you ever slain a boar?

02:30:35.000 Yeah.

02:30:36.000 You have?

02:30:36.000 Yeah.

02:30:38.000 Tough animals.

02:30:39.000 Yeah.

02:30:40.000 That Tahon ranch place.

02:30:42.000 I've hunted them a couple times out there.

02:30:44.000 They're interesting.

02:30:45.000 How's the meat?

02:30:46.000 It's very good.

02:30:47.000 What's weird, though, is we were walking down this trail and we heard them fighting in the bushes.

02:30:47.000 Yeah.

02:30:54.000 And if you didn't know any better, they had no idea we were there.

02:30:57.000 You would think they were demons.

02:31:02.000 Jesus.

02:31:02.000 Yeah, they were going to war with each other.

02:31:04.000 It sounded horrible.

02:31:06.000 Yeah, it's a horrible sound.

02:31:07.000 Don't worry, you'll never be out in the field with them.

02:31:09.000 They'll fuck you up, man.

02:31:10.000 Are they talking about?

02:31:10.000 Animals?

02:31:12.000 I could join in.

02:31:13.000 No, no, no.

02:31:13.000 Wild pigs will fuck you up.

02:31:15.000 Yes, they will.

02:31:16.000 Yeah, so that's an old boar's tusks.

02:31:20.000 That's what that is.

02:31:21.000 Yeah.

02:31:22.000 Yeah.

02:31:23.000 Watch Chris.

02:31:24.000 Chris.

02:31:26.000 Look, look at his, look at his eyes.

02:31:27.000 Nah, it's fine.

02:31:28.000 Look at his swim, man.

02:31:29.000 Have you ever been camping?

02:31:29.000 Come on, man.

02:31:31.000 No, no.

02:31:32.000 I'll answer the question.

02:31:33.000 No, dude.

02:31:33.000 No.

02:31:34.000 Fuck it, man.

02:31:34.000 Nature.

02:31:35.000 We got so.

02:31:36.000 But you drink black coffee.

02:31:37.000 You are rugged.

02:31:38.000 No, no, no.

02:31:39.000 Hey, Joe's got a point.

02:31:40.000 Nope.

02:31:40.000 I'm a rugged boy.

02:31:41.000 All right, watch this.

02:31:42.000 Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on.

02:31:43.000 You guys, try to keep your eyes on my face.

02:31:46.000 Keep your eyes aside.

02:31:46.000 No, that's fine.

02:31:46.000 That's fine.

02:31:48.000 No camping at all ever?

02:31:50.000 No, no, no.

02:31:50.000 Nah, I went out in my buddy's backyard once, and we fucking went into the woods a little bit, and we stayed there.

02:31:54.000 And then out of nowhere, this old lady was like, can you guys keep it down?

02:31:57.000 And we're like, who the fuck's that?

02:31:58.000 And to this day, I think it was a ghost.

02:31:59.000 I don't care.

02:32:00.000 You know what you should do?

02:32:01.000 Actually, all bullshit aside.

02:32:02.000 We should go hunting.

02:32:02.000 You come.

02:32:04.000 You stay at the campfire.

02:32:05.000 You cook.

02:32:06.000 Yeah.

02:32:07.000 You should be waiting for us when we come back.

02:32:09.000 We've prepared the meal.

02:32:10.000 That's right.

02:32:11.000 And then you can shave down after we eat.

02:32:11.000 So you be our guy.

02:32:14.000 I'm not going to shave.

02:32:15.000 Listen.

02:32:16.000 Let me finish.

02:32:17.000 After you shave down, you make us a meal.

02:32:19.000 And afterwards, we fuck you.

02:32:21.000 Dude, what?

02:32:22.000 Yes.

02:32:23.000 That's so awesome.

02:32:24.000 Fucking wiggle.

02:32:26.000 Whoa, bro.

02:32:27.000 In the wild, nobody's looking.

02:32:29.000 But we all know.

02:32:31.000 They got fucking cameras out there, bro.

02:32:34.000 They probably do now.

02:32:35.000 This guy and I, we were in Missouri breaks.

02:32:38.000 It was such a trip.

02:32:39.000 It was so great.

02:32:40.000 He fucking dove into a cactus.

02:32:42.000 I pulled quills out of his ass and his thighs.

02:32:46.000 He pulled them out of my thighs.

02:32:47.000 I mean, we were doing weird shit.

02:32:48.000 We got so stir crazy at one point.

02:32:49.000 We were just looking at it.

02:32:50.000 It was so fun, though.

02:32:51.000 I take a shit and I'm eating that mountain food.

02:32:54.000 So it looked like mustard.

02:32:56.000 And this fucking guy took a picture of it and put a fucking stick with a flag in it.

02:33:00.000 He made a flag out of aluminum foil.

02:33:03.000 Like, literally, we were in our late 40s doing this.

02:33:06.000 Like a couple of morons.

02:33:07.000 Morons.

02:33:08.000 This was some good.

02:33:09.000 I've never laughed.

02:33:11.000 When you go hunting and you're miserable, you laugh so hard.

02:33:14.000 Well, you and I did.

02:33:16.000 We had a lot of fun.

02:33:16.000 That clip is so funny.

02:33:18.000 That was a different one.

02:33:18.000 That was Wisconsin.

02:33:20.000 That clip, that was also very funny, though.

02:33:21.000 That was at our friend Doug Duran's farm in Wisconsin, where, by the way, they don't even eat the meat there anymore because there's so many instances of, well, they test it of CWD.

02:33:30.000 They're terrified of that.

02:33:33.000 That's what I'm scared of more than any virus.

02:33:36.000 Those premium diseases, those are terrifying.

02:33:40.000 Your brain just wastes.

02:33:41.000 Yeah, you don't, the chronic wasting, it doesn't jump right now from deer to humans, but it could.

02:33:47.000 My uncle had that, and he basically, I'm sorry, Mad Cow.

02:33:53.000 He had spent a lot of time in Africa, and they don't know what happened, but his brain got holes in it.

02:33:59.000 Oh, yeah, and it was.

02:34:02.000 I call my uncle Frank, but in fact, he's my cousin.

02:34:05.000 Okay, because you're lying.

02:34:07.000 No.

02:34:07.000 He's just a different person.

02:34:10.000 I call my uncle Frank.

02:34:10.000 You call it one person Kyle.

02:34:11.000 Her name was fucking Alex.

02:34:12.000 I know.

02:34:13.000 I change it up.

02:34:14.000 That's not a good thing.

02:34:15.000 Man, it's a guy.

02:34:16.000 It's my mother's first cousin.

02:34:18.000 My mother's first cousin.

02:34:19.000 But they spent a lot of time in Africa, and he had holes in his brain.

02:34:23.000 What happened to him in there?

02:34:25.000 I watched the, it's a deterioration.

02:34:27.000 Well, you know, Justin Wren, the guy who owned Fight for the Forgotten, Belator Heavyweight?

02:34:32.000 Yeah, I do too.

02:34:33.000 He's got some sort of a parasite, and they don't even know what it is.

02:34:36.000 He spends so much time so deep in the Congo, he's actually catching parasites that they don't know.

02:34:42.000 I'm sure.

02:34:42.000 They don't know what they are.

02:34:44.000 That's where Ebola hangs out, too.

02:34:47.000 And all kinds of shit.

02:34:49.000 Yeah.

02:34:50.000 Is that you?

02:34:52.000 That's my shiver.

02:34:53.000 And just spiders and shit that'll kill you.

02:34:55.000 Crazy shit.

02:34:56.000 Crazy.

02:34:56.000 Spiders in the Congo that operate in packs.

02:34:56.000 Oh, yeah.

02:34:59.000 Have you ever seen them?

02:35:00.000 Yo, nothing would be scarier than that.

02:35:03.000 No, I have not seen them.

02:35:04.000 Spiders that.

02:35:05.000 See if you can find them.

02:35:05.000 Like on YouTube and shit, you can find them?

02:35:07.000 Spiders in the Congo.

02:35:07.000 Yes.

02:35:09.000 It's like a rat will run into this spider web and they'll all swarm it.

02:35:14.000 What?

02:35:14.000 That's so scary.

02:35:15.000 Yeah, yeah.

02:35:15.000 That's so scary.

02:35:16.000 Fuck, they operate in packs.

02:35:17.000 Like crabs.

02:35:18.000 Yes, like packs.

02:35:20.000 Yes.

02:35:20.000 Yeah.

02:35:21.000 Did you just take his wallet?

02:35:22.000 No, it's not scary.

02:35:23.000 I got too close to him.

02:35:24.000 Why does your wallet have a snake on it?

02:35:26.000 I'm venomous.

02:35:26.000 Look at this.

02:35:27.000 You know they're poisonous, too.

02:35:28.000 Where, where, where?

02:35:29.000 Meet the spiders that have formed armies, 50,000 streams.

02:35:33.000 I mean, forget it.

02:35:34.000 Oh.

02:35:35.000 BBC Earth.

02:35:36.000 Yeah.

02:35:36.000 The BBC Congo documentary is the one that I saw that has it.

02:35:40.000 The video is no longer available.

02:35:41.000 Son of a bitch.

02:35:43.000 I mean, sorry, that's incredible.

02:35:45.000 Dude, don't you speak French?

02:35:46.000 It just happens.

02:35:46.000 No, you don't.

02:35:47.000 Is there a good French restaurant in LA that will be closed by the time this is over?

02:35:51.000 Let me think.

02:35:52.000 How many restaurants are you doing?

02:35:53.000 Yeah, this is going to be done.

02:35:54.000 Melise is there.

02:35:54.000 Melise.

02:35:56.000 It's in Santa Monica.

02:35:57.000 That's an amazing French.

02:35:58.000 How many restaurants are going to be left over When this is all said and done, well, a lot of restaurants got a moratorium on paying rent, okay?

02:36:06.000 They should all get that.

02:36:08.000 All those landlords should be like, hey, look, you got to realize what's happening here.

02:36:12.000 You want that future rent.

02:36:13.000 No one's going to come along and start a new restaurant on your spot.

02:36:16.000 That's a good point.

02:36:17.000 You could be out of business for fucking years.

02:36:19.000 The restaurant owners that I know have gotten that.

02:36:21.000 They've gotten a moratorium.

02:36:23.000 And the biggest question is, remember, the landlords then are responsible to the banks.

02:36:27.000 So once it starts rolling up to the banks, now we've got a real problem.

02:36:32.000 That's the issue.

02:36:34.000 What do you think about Trump's idea to bring it back?

02:36:36.000 A disaster supply.

02:36:37.000 Go play with the crayons over there.

02:36:38.000 Mountains are talking about food wasted as coronavirus scrambles supply chain.

02:36:43.000 I was watching the news this morning.

02:36:44.000 They were talking about a farmer who's like 70% of his crops are just going to trash because they can't do anything.

02:36:50.000 Oh, jeez.

02:36:51.000 They're trying to get some of it away to food banks and whatnot.

02:36:53.000 Eat it quick, guy.

02:36:56.000 Get out there and try to get it.

02:36:57.000 It's not helpful.

02:36:57.000 You're not being helpful.

02:36:59.000 It's not helpful.

02:37:00.000 You're not being helpful.

02:37:00.000 That's not a solution.

02:37:01.000 Dude, it's only 700 acres.

02:37:03.000 Get it done.

02:37:04.000 Hey.

02:37:04.000 Stop being a pussy farmer, dude.

02:37:06.000 You'd be a terrible president.

02:37:07.000 You'd be a terrible president.

02:37:08.000 You'd be the best.

02:37:09.000 Yeah.

02:37:11.000 would be the best and everyone knows it.

02:37:12.000 You know, He doesn't pay attention to any of this stuff.

02:37:16.000 Here's the deal.

02:37:17.000 I don't know.

02:37:18.000 I was talking about Pizzagate on my podcast the other day.

02:37:20.000 Man, those motherfuckers, when you talk about Pizzagate, people are like, do some fucking research.

02:37:24.000 Dude, it's so funny.

02:37:25.000 Oh, Shill.

02:37:26.000 Shill DeLia, huh?

02:37:29.000 One of them said, he's hanging out with Callum too long.

02:37:31.000 He doesn't believe in the fucking.

02:37:32.000 I guess you're not even worried about 5G.

02:37:34.000 Yeah, I know.

02:37:35.000 Exactly.

02:37:36.000 But, dude, it's so funny.

02:37:36.000 That was one too.

02:37:37.000 So I was making fun of it, and people get mad, dude.

02:37:40.000 And so I'm like, look, we don't know the real deal.

02:37:41.000 We don't know what's going on.

02:37:42.000 So it's like, what the fuck?

02:37:43.000 We don't know what's going on.

02:37:44.000 How are you going to find out what's going on?

02:37:46.000 Oh, you can find out on Google?

02:37:46.000 On Google?

02:37:47.000 Yeah.

02:37:48.000 Or he's not going to ask.

02:37:48.000 Ask China.

02:37:50.000 I don't know.

02:37:51.000 Ask China.

02:37:52.000 Hey, China, what's going on?

02:37:54.000 They're not going to tell you the truth.

02:37:55.000 No.

02:37:56.000 They get the fucking 22 million people die.

02:37:57.000 I don't think it's in China's interest to...

02:38:02.000 They're back open.

02:38:03.000 Are they?

02:38:04.000 Yeah, there was a video of them today.

02:38:06.000 Yeah, the wet markets are back open.

02:38:07.000 Wow.

02:38:08.000 Despite them saying that they're going to shut them down, Spike.

02:38:08.000 Yeah.

02:38:12.000 You know what they did do?

02:38:13.000 They took dogs off of the livestock list.

02:38:16.000 Jesus.

02:38:17.000 But they still eat them.

02:38:18.000 What about bats?

02:38:19.000 Didn't corona come from a bat?

02:38:20.000 Well, they don't know, man.

02:38:22.000 They're saying it's likely, right?

02:38:24.000 They're saying it's likely that it came from a bat, but they're also saying it could have come from a lab where they were working on bats and accidentally escaped.

02:38:32.000 They haven't ruled that out anymore.

02:38:34.000 They ruled it out initially, but now they're realizing, like, well, they actually were working on coronavirus according to Daily Mail.

02:38:40.000 Yeah, I don't know.

02:38:41.000 Did you find a legitimate version of that story?

02:38:44.000 That's not the education, right?

02:38:46.000 Not legit.

02:38:47.000 Daily Mail, you wake up every morning and you drink a milkshake and you listen to Daily Mail.

02:38:50.000 I don't drink a milkshake.

02:38:51.000 Fuck you.

02:38:51.000 Is Grillo coming over?

02:38:53.000 Let's see.

02:38:54.000 Find out if he's going to make it to get tested.

02:38:57.000 When?

02:38:59.000 Oh, Jesus.

02:38:59.000 You didn't even look.

02:39:00.000 He said yes.

02:39:01.000 Oh, good.

02:39:02.000 Beautiful.

02:39:03.000 I'll tell Doctor.

02:39:04.000 But where is he?

02:39:04.000 Doctor.

02:39:05.000 Text me the address.

02:39:07.000 Okay.

02:39:08.000 We'll do that.

02:39:08.000 Okay.

02:39:10.000 You guys talk amongst yourselves.

02:39:12.000 So anyway, Brian, what do you think is going to happen in your life now?

02:39:12.000 Okay.

02:39:18.000 Well, besides the fact that I'm going to come up with a vaccine.

02:39:22.000 I'm sorry, what?

02:39:23.000 Dude, what's up with your...

02:39:26.000 It's on Amazon.

02:39:28.000 It's on Roku.

02:39:29.000 No, it's on Amazon.

02:39:30.000 It's called Complicated Apes.

02:39:30.000 Prime.

02:39:32.000 It's called Complicated Apes.

02:39:33.000 It's very highly rated Complicated Apes.

02:39:34.000 And you also have, honestly, you have the first Tinder special, right?

02:39:38.000 You do?

02:39:39.000 Oh, no, no, your special is Redbox.

02:39:40.000 You can only get it on Redbox.

02:39:41.000 Now, careful.

02:39:42.000 Outside of a 7-Eleven.

02:39:43.000 And that's good.

02:39:43.000 Yeah.

02:39:44.000 Dude, I'm happy that people are going to honestly get your stuff.

02:39:46.000 Is Roku bad?

02:39:47.000 No, it's not.

02:39:48.000 No, but he's being shitty right now.

02:39:49.000 No, I'm not being shitty.

02:39:50.000 You're being annoying and shitty.

02:39:50.000 Do you see Red Boxes or out there?

02:39:52.000 I'm on Amazon Prime.

02:39:53.000 And it's free.

02:39:53.000 Redbox.

02:39:54.000 Redbox Original.

02:39:55.000 Brian Callan.

02:39:56.000 I'm on Amazon Prime.

02:39:57.000 Shucking and Jiving.

02:39:58.000 And there's a new sheriff in town, and I'm about to, and I'm breathing down your neck.

02:40:04.000 Did you send me the address, Joe?

02:40:05.000 Dude, yes, I did.

02:40:06.000 Just say it loud.

02:40:07.000 Just say it loud on the air.

02:40:08.000 Look at this shit.

02:40:09.000 Whitney, one of her friends, went to Santa Barbara to quarantine, and a fucking bear is trying to get into the house.

02:40:16.000 Look at this.

02:40:17.000 Are you serious?

02:40:18.000 Yeah, look at this.

02:40:18.000 Look at this video.

02:40:19.000 They're trying to be safe quarantining, and there's a fucking bear trying to break it.

02:40:21.000 The bear is trying to get through the screen door to them.

02:40:26.000 The guy's yelling.

02:40:27.000 I give up at that point.

02:40:28.000 I just give up.

02:40:28.000 Whoa.

02:40:29.000 Yeah.

02:40:29.000 Santa Barbara.

02:40:30.000 Holy shit.

02:40:31.000 Yeah, because there's no one driving.

02:40:33.000 Well, you had a bobcat, right?

02:40:34.000 That was cracky.

02:40:34.000 Yes.

02:40:36.000 So because no one's driving, there's less traffic.

02:40:38.000 Animals are like, hmm, what's going on?

02:40:39.000 And they start slowly creeping into cities.

02:40:42.000 Wow.

02:40:42.000 Fucking bear.

02:40:43.000 A bear.

02:40:44.000 What happened with me was Stegosaurus.

02:40:46.000 Pretty big.

02:40:47.000 What?

02:40:48.000 Sure.

02:40:48.000 Stegosaurus is pretty much.

02:40:49.000 I don't know.

02:40:49.000 Yeah.

02:40:50.000 A little one, but yeah, a little one.

02:40:51.000 Furry.

02:40:52.000 If your legs were in proportion with your torso, how tall would you be?

02:40:56.000 Tell me I don't have a teardrop right here above my knees.

02:40:58.000 That's not true.

02:40:59.000 That really annoyed me when you said that on your Instagram.

02:41:01.000 Coyotes are roaming San Francisco's empty streets as the city's shelter-in-place order keeps people in their homes.

02:41:01.000 I do.

02:41:07.000 Yeah, there's coyotes all over San Francisco.

02:41:09.000 Odiffa had a button down on it.

02:41:10.000 It's like, oh, they're starting to take our jobs.

02:41:13.000 They just get smarter.

02:41:14.000 Coyote invested in stocks.

02:41:16.000 Well, there's a crazy video that someone sent me of a rat setting a trap, setting off a mouse trap with a stick.

02:41:24.000 No.

02:41:25.000 In New York, right?

02:41:26.000 It has to be New York, right?

02:41:26.000 Have you seen anything?

02:41:28.000 I don't know where it is, but it's crazy.

02:41:29.000 New York is having rat wars where the restaurants are no longer open, so they're not leaving garbage out.

02:41:34.000 So rats are going into other rats' territory and cannibalizing them.

02:41:38.000 Yes.

02:41:38.000 Wow.

02:41:39.000 It's rough right now, apparently.

02:41:42.000 Apparently.

02:41:43.000 Here comes the plague.

02:41:44.000 What's happened?

02:41:44.000 Yeah.

02:41:45.000 What happened, bro?

02:41:46.000 Hey, you run out of fuel?

02:41:47.000 Run out of fuel.

02:41:47.000 Look at you.

02:41:48.000 I literally just thought.

02:41:49.000 Chris just ran out of fuel.

02:41:50.000 What?

02:41:50.000 I literally just thought.

02:41:51.000 I'm hungry.

02:41:51.000 What?

02:41:52.000 I could see it.

02:41:53.000 I literally thought, I'm hungry.

02:41:55.000 When you do Rogan's podcast, you have to eat right before.

02:41:57.000 Well, because it's three hours.

02:42:00.000 I dragged it.

02:42:01.000 Because it's from Sunday's nutrition.

02:42:02.000 Last time I was on his podcast, he goes like this.

02:42:05.000 You're fading, huh?

02:42:06.000 And I'm like, why are you even at this point?

02:42:10.000 Yeah, Mark used to get mad at me.

02:42:12.000 Why do you have this podcast so long?

02:42:13.000 Why is your podcast so long?

02:42:15.000 You should edit it.

02:42:16.000 Yeah.

02:42:17.000 I can't find the video.

02:42:18.000 Fuck it.

02:42:19.000 Who gives a shit?

02:42:19.000 People are watching.

02:42:21.000 Somebody sent me this goddamn video.

02:42:22.000 I'm trying to find it.

02:42:23.000 I know it's in here.

02:42:24.000 His podcast is getting really popular.

02:42:25.000 It's popular.

02:42:26.000 It's really popular.

02:42:27.000 I said his podcast.

02:42:27.000 That's what you were saying.

02:42:28.000 Let me talk.

02:42:30.000 L did you just tell me his podcast is getting really popular?

02:42:33.000 What am I, a fucking idiot?

02:42:34.000 Yeah.

02:42:35.000 What do you mean, dead popular?

02:42:37.000 Shut up.

02:42:37.000 Dude, I'll smack you around.

02:42:39.000 You know whose podcast is popular.

02:42:40.000 I could bully you if I wanted, huh?

02:42:41.000 There it is.

02:42:42.000 Watch this rat.

02:42:42.000 There it is.

02:42:43.000 Oh, dude, that's insane.

02:42:45.000 This motherfucker walked up to that thing with a stick.

02:42:48.000 Watch him set it.

02:42:49.000 He knows what's up.

02:42:51.000 That's genius.

02:42:52.000 That is insane.

02:42:52.000 He didn't even flinch.

02:42:54.000 He didn't even flinch when the trap set off because he knew it was coming.

02:42:57.000 Look at this.

02:42:58.000 I wonder if that thing is trained to do that.

02:43:00.000 Maybe it's just a smart rat.

02:43:02.000 Either way.

02:43:03.000 Come on, man.

02:43:04.000 You think it's trained to do that?

02:43:05.000 It might be in a lab.

02:43:06.000 I mean, they did get footage of it, so.

02:43:09.000 That's a good point.

02:43:09.000 Guy, why are you guys going to ruin the party?

02:43:11.000 I'm sorry.

02:43:11.000 I'm just a realist.

02:43:12.000 And it's a good angle too.

02:43:14.000 I'm sorry.

02:43:14.000 Man, this is the realest shot well.

02:43:17.000 That's like one of those things where when one rat learns a maze on the other side of the world, rats on this side of the world learn the maze quicker.

02:43:24.000 You heard that?

02:43:25.000 Yeah, that's true.

02:43:25.000 No.

02:43:26.000 Yeah.

02:43:26.000 Collective consciousness.

02:43:28.000 Rupert Sheldrake called it morphic resonance.

02:43:31.000 That's what happened with my comedy because I started doing it and he this.

02:43:37.000 It's like, that's possible.

02:43:39.000 And then once you see what's possible, you fucking follow my because I wasn't even aware of it.

02:43:45.000 You're welcome.

02:43:46.000 No, no, no, no.

02:43:47.000 Isn't that your podcast name?

02:43:49.000 What?

02:43:49.000 It's called Youclaw.

02:43:50.000 Oh, congratulations, but it may as well.

02:43:51.000 Oh, yeah.

02:43:52.000 Who's got your welcome?

02:43:53.000 Doesn't someone have one called You're Welcome?

02:43:55.000 You're welcome?

02:43:55.000 Probably.

02:43:56.000 What's Whitney's called?

02:43:57.000 Good for you.

02:43:58.000 Good for you.

02:43:59.000 Good for you.

02:43:59.000 Yeah.

02:44:00.000 Congratulations.

02:44:00.000 Oh, what was yours called?

02:44:01.000 Mixed mental arts?

02:44:02.000 That's what we were trying to figure out.

02:44:04.000 Hey, dude.

02:44:06.000 Hey, dude.

02:44:07.000 Fuck you.

02:44:08.000 We did make fun of that.

02:44:09.000 No, but because you have to have a mixed mental artist.

02:44:12.000 You know what?

02:44:13.000 You're welcome with Chale Sunnin.

02:44:14.000 That's what it is.

02:44:16.000 I knew someone had it.

02:44:16.000 I like that.

02:44:16.000 There you go.

02:44:17.000 Hey, this is Brian Cannon with the mixed mental arts.

02:44:19.000 You know what podcast I love is Andy Stumps podcast.

02:44:19.000 You know what I like?

02:44:22.000 He's fucking great.

02:44:23.000 Andy Stump's a brilliant guy.

02:44:24.000 He's a brilliant dude.

02:44:26.000 And he's so modest.

02:44:26.000 What's funny about him is you start talking to him and then somebody will be, his friends are there, and he goes, well, he was the youngest Navy SEAL, not anymore, but he was.

02:44:34.000 He started at 17.

02:44:36.000 He's got the longest sniper shot.

02:44:37.000 He's got all these things that Andy Stump that he'll never tell you about until somebody says that and you go, is that true?

02:44:42.000 And he goes, yeah.

02:44:44.000 And he's fucking this.

02:44:46.000 I have long conversations.

02:44:48.000 If I want to get a take on something, that motherfucker is as smart as he is.

02:44:51.000 He's a real-time.

02:44:53.000 He's a really interesting guy.

02:44:54.000 And also a maniac who had the world record for flying squirrel suit.

02:44:59.000 He flew the furthest distance.

02:45:01.000 Red Bulls.

02:45:02.000 Like he gets in a squirrel suit.

02:45:03.000 He jumped out of a fucking airship.

02:45:05.000 Everything he does.

02:45:06.000 He's one of those guys.

02:45:06.000 Everything he does, he's outstanding.

02:45:08.000 SEAL TEAM 6 guy.

02:45:10.000 Not 6.

02:45:11.000 Dev Grew.

02:45:11.000 Don't worry about it.

02:45:12.000 Cover your fucking ears.

02:45:12.000 All right, dude.

02:45:14.000 You literally have headphones.

02:45:14.000 Don't look at me.

02:45:15.000 Don't look at me when I even say SEAL Team 6.

02:45:18.000 Produce estrogen and go make me a coffee right now.

02:45:22.000 You've talked to him in a way that's making him want to go camping.

02:45:26.000 Yeah.

02:45:26.000 Who?

02:45:27.000 You're going to get the fuck away from you.

02:45:28.000 You're going to come.

02:45:29.000 You're going to fucking hot as burn.

02:45:29.000 Burn.

02:45:31.000 No, you're going to carry my bags and carry my shit and cook for me and be my concubine.

02:45:35.000 Hey, remember how, remember in San Diego a long time ago when I did whoops.

02:45:39.000 Remember when I was in San Diego a long time ago and I opened for you?

02:45:42.000 Yeah.

02:45:43.000 What happened?

02:45:44.000 I just have a simple question.

02:45:44.000 What happened?

02:45:46.000 You did a deer that got hit by a fucking.

02:45:46.000 What?

02:45:48.000 No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

02:45:49.000 But what I mean is what happened.

02:45:53.000 Okay, listen.

02:45:54.000 I'll grant that you are the Taylor Swift comedy.

02:45:59.000 And he was right.

02:46:00.000 You're not Led Zeppelin.

02:46:02.000 Are you?

02:46:03.000 But you're popular.

02:46:04.000 You're an old guy.

02:46:05.000 Why would you even bring up Led Zeppelin?

02:46:06.000 All due respect to Taylor Swift, who I like because I watched that.

02:46:09.000 When do you think someone was going to film specials again?

02:46:12.000 When is that going to happen?

02:46:13.000 I'm just so glad my disclosure came out.

02:46:15.000 You nailed it right now.

02:46:16.000 I nailed it luckily.

02:46:17.000 Like I was saying with Louis, Louis C.K. filmed his under the wire, like right there.

02:46:22.000 Because he filmed his in March.

02:46:25.000 He filmed it March, it was like March 6th or 7th, and he just put it out.

02:46:29.000 I don't know, man.

02:46:30.000 I'm not optimistic.

02:46:31.000 Man, it doesn't look good, man.

02:46:33.000 Schaub has a date for the end of June in Spokane, Washington.

02:46:37.000 Oh, he's crazy.

02:46:38.000 And I said, that's very optimistic.

02:46:39.000 Oh, just a date?

02:46:40.000 Not that special yet.

02:46:41.000 One thing is that Washington State, they got hit early, so they might open up quicker.

02:46:46.000 I hope so.

02:46:47.000 Isn't there a coordinated effort among governors to slowly open this whole thing up, right?

02:46:52.000 I don't know if they know what to do because no one's ever done it before.

02:46:55.000 So it's one of those things where what are we going to do?

02:46:57.000 We're going to watch one state do it and fuck up, and then we're going to go, okay, let's not do it the way North Dakota did it.

02:47:03.000 Let's try to do it the way Arizona did it.

02:47:04.000 And the bigger question is something like Disney World.

02:47:06.000 How do you open Disneyland Disney World?

02:47:08.000 How do you do that?

02:47:09.000 Watch.

02:47:10.000 That's a good question.

02:47:10.000 What if somebody catches COVID when they're there?

02:47:13.000 Mickey with a mask on.

02:47:14.000 Mickey with a mask.

02:47:15.000 Well, he always.

02:47:16.000 Do you sign?

02:47:16.000 Do you sign up?

02:47:18.000 Do you sign up?

02:47:19.000 Around his big ears?

02:47:20.000 He's going to be a new Disney character.

02:47:23.000 COVID Mickey.

02:47:24.000 He warned that California should prepare to enter a radically different realm where residents continue to wear masks and where they will be greeted at restaurants by waiters wearing masks and gloves with disposable menus in venues that have half as many tables.

02:47:41.000 Jesus fucking Christ.

02:47:43.000 For the governors.

02:47:44.000 This is from Gavin Newsom, told reporters to check back with him in two weeks when he may be able to outline exact dates if California sees a flattening and then decline of coronavirus hospitalization rates.

02:47:57.000 He's dealing with the worst case scenario.

02:47:59.000 And I think that...

02:48:02.000 Yeah.

02:48:02.000 All of them are, right?

02:48:03.000 I just think we're going to...

02:48:04.000 I think human beings adapt...

02:48:07.000 I think that's not going to be the case.

02:48:08.000 I think after a while, people are going to be like, fuck it.

02:48:11.000 Well, waiters with masks on.

02:48:13.000 It's going to be strange.

02:48:14.000 There's going to be a lot of opportunists that cause crime because a lot of people wearing masks.

02:48:18.000 Oh, fuck, yes.

02:48:19.000 It's going to be a very different world.

02:48:23.000 I wear a Richard Nixon mask anyway.

02:48:25.000 That's the mask I used to say.

02:48:27.000 I just put a Richard Nixon mask.

02:48:28.000 Dead president.

02:48:29.000 It's like a point blank.

02:48:30.000 Point break?

02:48:30.000 Yeah.

02:48:32.000 Point break, right?

02:48:32.000 Yeah.

02:48:33.000 Pastor Reginald Heroes.

02:48:34.000 Didn't they do a new version of that?

02:48:35.000 It didn't work.

02:48:36.000 Yep.

02:48:37.000 Oh, I saw it.

02:48:38.000 How bad was it?

02:48:40.000 I love the original.

02:48:41.000 Dude, it's like everything that was special about.

02:48:43.000 It's the same thing with the Total Recall movie, and I love Colin Farrell.

02:48:45.000 I think he's great.

02:48:46.000 It's like they just took everything that was special about the fucking movie and they just made it a straight action movie.

02:48:51.000 They shouldn't do that anymore without any new movies.

02:48:54.000 Why do they redo movies?

02:48:56.000 Just make a new movie.

02:48:57.000 What is the best movie you've seen in a while in the past year?

02:49:00.000 Into the Spider-Verse.

02:49:01.000 Have you seen that?

02:49:02.000 No.

02:49:03.000 That's great.

02:49:03.000 It's really great.

02:49:04.000 It's amazing.

02:49:05.000 It's an animated Spider-Man movie.

02:49:08.000 They won awards and shit, I think.

02:49:10.000 The animation's spectacular.

02:49:12.000 It's really fucking good.

02:49:14.000 The plot is great, it's a great movie.

02:49:16.000 I was a little skeptical.

02:49:17.000 I'm like, come on, a cartoon Spider-Man movie with a pig.

02:49:19.000 There's a pig in it.

02:49:21.000 It's a good thing.

02:49:22.000 You haven't heard of this?

02:49:23.000 It's great.

02:49:25.000 Into the Spider-Man.

02:49:25.000 I usually wait for the book to come out.

02:49:27.000 It's fucking great.

02:49:28.000 The book about the movie?

02:49:29.000 Yeah.

02:49:30.000 I'm a reader.

02:49:31.000 No, it's like, it's cartoonish, but it's not.

02:49:34.000 The animation is amazing.

02:49:35.000 It's like, it's really good, man.

02:49:38.000 I was blown away.

02:49:39.000 I'd heard it was good.

02:49:40.000 So I was like, oh, I heard it was good.

02:49:42.000 And we do movie night with my kids.

02:49:43.000 So we decided to sit down and watch, and it was fucking amazing.

02:49:47.000 It blew me away.

02:49:48.000 I watched A Quiet Place again.

02:49:50.000 That's a good fucking movie.

02:49:52.000 That movie's really good, but why didn't they just turn everything all up?

02:49:55.000 Why did they just turn everything all up?

02:49:57.000 And then the aliens would have heard everything, and then everything would, they wouldn't have heard the people walking around.

02:50:02.000 Oh.

02:50:03.000 Shit.

02:50:04.000 It was a great movie, but why didn't they do that?

02:50:06.000 Because the aliens would kill everything where there was sound.

02:50:08.000 How many aliens were there?

02:50:10.000 We don't know.

02:50:12.000 But there's going to be a second one coming out.

02:50:14.000 Yeah.

02:50:15.000 By the way, movies.

02:50:16.000 Movies.

02:50:17.000 They're fucked.

02:50:18.000 Like Patty's Wonder Woman 2.

02:50:19.000 That movie Blood Bloodshot, whatever with Vin Diesel that was going to bomb anyway.

02:50:24.000 Now at least that has an excuse.

02:50:25.000 Do you know what I mean?

02:50:26.000 Do you know what I mean?

02:50:26.000 Because now they're going to be like, oh, yeah, it was the disease.

02:50:29.000 No, no, no, no, no.

02:50:30.000 That's why they didn't want it.

02:50:31.000 That's why they didn't want to see Vin Diesel in fucking anything other than Fast and the Furious.

02:50:36.000 Oh, this is a Vin Diesel movie with no cars?

02:50:38.000 Oh, let's fucking line up.

02:50:42.000 Dude, get the fuck out of here.

02:50:44.000 I only want to see Vin Diesel sitting down going 100 miles away.

02:50:48.000 He could be just standing there muscular with a gun.

02:50:50.000 Yeah, he could be.

02:50:51.000 Shit.

02:50:52.000 Dude, no fucking way.

02:50:54.000 Oh, yeah, Bob, because of COVID.

02:50:55.000 Oh, okay, cool.

02:50:58.000 He was in that one movie, though.

02:50:59.000 What is that movie where he could only see it?

02:51:02.000 He see in the dark.

02:51:03.000 No, no, no.

02:51:04.000 Pitch black.

02:51:05.000 Pitch dark.

02:51:05.000 Pitch black.

02:51:06.000 That was a good pitch dark.

02:51:07.000 That was cool.

02:51:07.000 That was a good movie.

02:51:09.000 There are no.

02:51:10.000 There are zero fucking movies, I think, going to be in production up until September.

02:51:10.000 That was a good movie.

02:51:16.000 Why don't they know?

02:51:17.000 How can they produce movies?

02:51:18.000 Why don't they know what movies are going to bomb beforehand?

02:51:22.000 It's so fucking obvious.

02:51:23.000 Yeah.

02:51:24.000 Cats was going to eat shit.

02:51:26.000 And you knew that.

02:51:27.000 And if you didn't know that, then don't fucking associate with me.

02:51:30.000 Dude, Hollywood is so dumb sometimes, man.

02:51:32.000 That fucking movie that came out called like Have Mercy or some shit with Michael B. Jordan.

02:51:36.000 Do you remember that movie?

02:51:36.000 No.

02:51:37.000 No.

02:51:38.000 Because of course it was going to fucking bomb.

02:51:39.000 What was it about?

02:51:40.000 He was like a lawyer or some shit.

02:51:40.000 I don't know.

02:51:42.000 Get the fuck out of here.

02:51:43.000 Yeah.

02:51:44.000 Dude, you just know what movies are going to bomb.

02:51:46.000 And Hollywood's like, no, let's pump some money into this one.

02:51:49.000 Dude, you know it's going to bomb.

02:51:50.000 It's so fucking obvious.

02:51:52.000 They make mistakes for sure.

02:51:54.000 But it's like, dude, sure, make another Fast and Furious.

02:51:56.000 I get it.

02:51:56.000 Make fucking, you know, Ben Helsing.

02:51:59.000 Okay, people can go see that.

02:52:00.000 But come on.

02:52:01.000 People have to take chances, though.

02:52:02.000 How about comparison?

02:52:03.000 There's a movie with Chris Evans.

02:52:04.000 There's a movie where Chris Evans plays a trumpet player.

02:52:07.000 Oh, you made that?

02:52:09.000 Oh, you made that happen?

02:52:12.000 Jamie Foxx played a homeless guy that was a brilliant musician.

02:52:12.000 Wait a minute, wait a minute.

02:52:15.000 It was an amazing movie.

02:52:16.000 Remember that movie?

02:52:17.000 What was that movie?

02:52:18.000 Yes.

02:52:19.000 What was that movie?

02:52:20.000 Yeah, but you can tell.

02:52:21.000 Robert Downer Jr. and Jamie Foxx.

02:52:22.000 Did anybody go see it?

02:52:24.000 Yeah, it was a really popular movie.

02:52:25.000 Oh, yeah.

02:52:26.000 But you can tell when somebody's going to go see a movie.

02:52:28.000 Jamie Foxx can almost see it.

02:52:28.000 It's Jamie Foxx.

02:52:29.000 If you're going to put Chris Evans, a guy who looks like a guy any kid would draw, if you said, hey, kid, draw somebody.

02:52:36.000 They'd, by mistake, draw Chris Evans.

02:52:38.000 And you're going to give him a trumpet and make the movie about that?

02:52:42.000 Are you out of your fucking mind?

02:52:43.000 It's going to make $0.

02:52:44.000 And we knew that.

02:52:45.000 But maybe they did.

02:52:46.000 Whiplash.

02:52:47.000 That's great.

02:52:47.000 They might have to do it.

02:52:47.000 They thought it would be whiplash.

02:52:49.000 But that's different because you get a kind of unknown guy playing a fucking, against a kind of unknown guy about a guy playing the drums.

02:52:56.000 Look at this.

02:52:56.000 Fucking shit.

02:52:58.000 This girl's excited.

02:52:58.000 Handsome.

02:52:59.000 They want that dick.

02:53:00.000 Can he play the trumpet?

02:53:01.000 I heard that he learned how to play the trumpet to do this movie.

02:53:04.000 That's enough.

02:53:05.000 And it was too hard and he gave up.

02:53:06.000 Yeah, that's, well, fuck yeah.

02:53:07.000 That's hard.

02:53:08.000 Look at this.

02:53:08.000 Oh, no.

02:53:11.000 Is that really what this movie's about?

02:53:14.000 No knock on Chris Evans, by the way.

02:53:16.000 Yeah, handsome guy, good Captain America.

02:53:16.000 Handsome guy.

02:53:18.000 Good actor, but just nobody's going to see that movie.

02:53:20.000 That's obvious.

02:53:21.000 Yeah, don't play.

02:53:21.000 What's a trumpet player?

02:53:22.000 Throw a shield.

02:53:23.000 Is it available on iTunes?

02:53:24.000 Before we go.

02:53:26.000 What do you want to play, bro?

02:53:27.000 What do you want to play?

02:53:28.000 Your dream role.

02:53:30.000 All I want to do is action movies.

02:53:31.000 You do?

02:53:34.000 I've told you this.

02:53:36.000 Don't act like it's new.

02:53:37.000 Who are you going to play this shit to lifting weights to do action movies?

02:53:40.000 Who are you going to do?

02:53:41.000 This shit's in your Rolodex.

02:53:42.000 Who the fuck are you going to play in this action?

02:53:43.000 Don't act like this shit isn't in your Rolodex.

02:53:45.000 Don't stand up and jump.

02:53:47.000 I want to see who stretches better.

02:53:48.000 I have a fucking action movie coming out.

02:53:50.000 Dude, listen.

02:53:51.000 Who the fuck are you going to play in an action movie?

02:53:53.000 The guy at the computer, like, I think I broke into this movie.

02:53:55.000 No, dude, no, dude.

02:53:56.000 And that guy always says, I'm way ahead of you.

02:53:58.000 You got what he says.

02:53:59.000 Bro, are you going to play this guy?

02:54:00.000 Are you going to play the guy who's like, ooh, here they come?

02:54:02.000 Close the shutters.

02:54:02.000 No.

02:54:03.000 Bro, come on.

02:54:03.000 Well, you're not going to play it.

02:54:04.000 Hey, hey, dude.

02:54:05.000 Hey, check this out.

02:54:05.000 Do it.

02:54:06.000 Do it.

02:54:06.000 You're playing the guy who does that.

02:54:06.000 Go ahead.

02:54:07.000 I'm playing the guy who does that.

02:54:09.000 You're playing the guy who does that, dude.

02:54:10.000 But what are you doing about all this?

02:54:11.000 I'm doing also your whispers.

02:54:13.000 Nah, bro.

02:54:14.000 I'm in a fucking.

02:54:15.000 I got this action movie coming out, dude.

02:54:16.000 They'd have to shoot you from.

02:54:17.000 You got an action movie coming out?

02:54:18.000 Legitimately?

02:54:19.000 It's a Zoe Snyder movie.

02:54:20.000 So fucking annoying.

02:54:21.000 Zach Snyder movie.

02:54:22.000 He did like all the jobs.

02:54:23.000 Yeah.

02:54:23.000 Zeus Snyder?

02:54:24.000 You know that movie, Dawn of the Dead?

02:54:24.000 He did a Dawn.

02:54:25.000 You ever see that one?

02:54:26.000 It's the new one.

02:54:27.000 It's called Army of the Dead.

02:54:28.000 You're doing a zombie movie?

02:54:28.000 It's such a shit.

02:54:30.000 Yeah, bro.

02:54:31.000 He was sending me pictures of him dressed like a soldier.

02:54:31.000 No shit.

02:54:34.000 It annoyed the shit out of me.

02:54:35.000 Fucking dude.

02:54:36.000 I had to learn.

02:54:36.000 Sounds like he did a good job.

02:54:38.000 He's like a helicopter guy, too, right?

02:54:39.000 Yeah.

02:54:40.000 Give us a live.

02:54:41.000 Look at this.

02:54:41.000 Let's get in.

02:54:42.000 Look at that.

02:54:43.000 You with the dude from the fuck's his name.

02:54:46.000 Batista.

02:54:47.000 Look at you.

02:54:47.000 Yep.

02:54:48.000 My God.

02:54:49.000 You look fantastic.

02:54:50.000 Thanks, dude.

02:54:50.000 No, they all look.

02:54:52.000 They're big, tough guys.

02:54:53.000 Is that Michael Jai White?

02:54:54.000 I'm the biggest guy there, except for Dave Batista, so go fuck yourself.

02:54:57.000 And I'll tell you also, you look at that and you buy it, bro.

02:54:59.000 And I know you're a bad guy.

02:55:00.000 Oh, my goodness.

02:55:00.000 I'm buying it.

02:55:01.000 Those guys are all bigger than you.

02:55:02.000 None of those guys, except Dave Batista.

02:55:04.000 I like how you got the spicy, lesbian-looking Latino girl with the headband.

02:55:08.000 That's important.

02:55:09.000 And she probably swears a lot and says things like, suck my dick.

02:55:12.000 Does she say tough?

02:55:14.000 I don't remember at this point, maybe.

02:55:15.000 But I will tell you this, they got every fucking walk of person in that movie.

02:55:19.000 They have to.

02:55:19.000 They got everywhere.

02:55:20.000 Netflix, this shit is global.

02:55:21.000 They have Indian star.

02:55:22.000 They have a star that's big in China.

02:55:25.000 Is that Michael Jai White?

02:55:26.000 No, that's Omari from Power.

02:55:30.000 That show Power.

02:55:31.000 Strong guy.

02:55:32.000 Omari Hardwick.

02:55:33.000 Bautista's huge.

02:55:34.000 Batista's a Batista.

02:55:35.000 Batista is.

02:55:36.000 I heard he's a really nice guy.

02:55:37.000 the nicest dude.

02:55:38.000 The nicest fucking guy.

02:55:40.000 The nicest guy.

02:55:41.000 And a good guy, too.

02:55:42.000 Like just a straight up, honest guy.

02:55:44.000 Beautiful.

02:55:45.000 Let's end on that.

02:55:45.000 Yeah.

02:55:46.000 We got to test Brian and make sure he doesn't have this thing.

02:55:49.000 That's a bushwhacker.

02:55:51.000 Fuck, I want this so badly in my car.

02:55:54.000 Yeah.

02:55:54.000 Do you?

02:55:55.000 What are you going to do with it?

02:55:56.000 That'd be illegal.

02:55:57.000 That'd be illegal.

02:55:57.000 Well, if there's a zombie apocalypse, I'm fucking, I'm cleaning house.

02:56:00.000 You get behind me.

02:56:01.000 Get behind me, Chris.

02:56:03.000 And you hold on to my belt loop as I fucking just, I just cut our way to safety.

02:56:08.000 Do you want one of those things?

02:56:09.000 Yeah, I do.

02:56:10.000 What would you do with it?

02:56:11.000 I don't know.

02:56:12.000 I just like how to.

02:56:13.000 Go to Mike Jones Knife and Tool on Instagram.

02:56:16.000 He's the guy who makes it.

02:56:17.000 He also made me this knife.

02:56:18.000 He makes some nice stuff.

02:56:19.000 He does.

02:56:20.000 I like his knives.

02:56:20.000 Let me see that.

02:56:21.000 Brian, how many times did you watch my special so far?

02:56:24.000 What?

02:56:24.000 Dude.

02:56:26.000 I perform with you.

02:56:27.000 I know what you're going to do.

02:56:28.000 Nice domestic.

02:56:29.000 What's the deal with raccoons or whatever the fuck?

02:56:32.000 That's a good bit, actually.

02:56:34.000 Your special's out now on Netflix.

02:56:36.000 What's it called again?

02:56:37.000 No Pain.

02:56:38.000 No Pain.

02:56:39.000 Yours is not on Netflix.

02:56:40.000 Mine's on Netflix.

02:56:40.000 Okay, I don't know.

02:56:41.000 Mine's called No Pain.

02:56:43.000 No Pain.

02:56:44.000 This has been a good time, boys.

02:56:45.000 Really fun.

02:56:46.000 Let's see if...

02:56:47.000 Brian Speaker.

02:56:48.000 No thanks, Brian.

02:56:49.000 Come see me in 2021 when I can do stand-up again.

02:56:51.000 2022.

02:56:53.000 According to Gavin, Gavin News.

02:56:54.000 We're going to have to move to Montana to do stand-up.

02:56:57.000 We can be free.

02:56:58.000 Goodbye, friends.

02:57:00.000 Thank you, friends, for tuning into the show, and thank you to our sponsors.

02:57:03.000 Thank you to Policy Genius.

02:57:06.000 You will never be angry about your choice when you buy life insurance through Policy Genius.

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02:59:50.000 All right.

02:59:50.000 Thank you, friends.

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02:59:53.000 Much love to you all.

The Joe Rogan Experience - April 15, 2020

Joe Rogan Experience #1458 - Chris D'Elia

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