The Joe Rogan Experience - Joe Rogan Experience #1534

00:00:03.000 The Joe Rogan Experience.

00:00:06.000 Train by day, Joe Rogan Podcast by night, all day.

00:00:14.000 You look good.

00:00:15.000 Oh, thank you, man.

00:00:15.000 You did.

00:00:16.000 You look like you're well-rested, like the COVID lockdown has done you well.

00:00:21.000 Thank you.

00:00:24.000 During this thing, I came up with a program called the Dial It Back a Little Bit program.

00:00:30.000 And it's like AA, except there's only six steps, but you don't get completely sober.

00:00:35.000 So it's going to be very popular, I think.

00:00:38.000 And the first step was, Ron, why don't you quit drinking so fucking much?

00:00:43.000 And what is so fucking much?

00:00:45.000 What's the numbers?

00:00:46.000 Ah, you know, it's a half a bottle of tequila a night or something like that, maybe a little more.

00:00:55.000 Wound back to a third.

00:00:57.000 By the way, these little cigars are the shit.

00:01:00.000 These are really good.

00:01:01.000 Romeo and Julieta, tiny cigars.

00:01:04.000 Yeah, that's the mini cigarillo.

00:01:07.000 So there's one that's a little bit bigger than that.

00:01:10.000 It's called a cigarillo, and these are the minis.

00:01:13.000 And I started, like I was saying, when I was playing golf, you know, whenever it's time for me to hit, I just throw it away and light another one.

00:01:20.000 You know, there's 20 of them for 15 bucks.

00:01:22.000 So, you know, as opposed to a $15 cigar, which is what I usually smoke, something like that.

00:01:28.000 But it's good tobacco.

00:01:30.000 Yeah, it's really good.

00:01:31.000 It's the same thing.

00:01:32.000 It's in their big old premium cigars, just rolled by the junior rollers.

00:01:36.000 That's how they light.

00:01:37.000 And you look like you're smoking a blunt.

00:01:42.000 But we're clearly not.

00:01:44.000 Clearly.

00:01:44.000 And in Austin, what were you saying about the rules?

00:01:48.000 It's like you could have as much as a quarter of a pound before they arrest you?

00:01:53.000 Yeah, a quarter of a pound.

00:01:55.000 Is that right?

00:01:56.000 Yeah.

00:01:57.000 And if you just say it's CBD, CDB, whatever, nugs, then they would have to test it and they don't want to test it.

00:02:06.000 They've got other things to do.

00:02:07.000 Okay.

00:02:07.000 They have CBD stores out here, folks.

00:02:09.000 It's very strange.

00:02:11.000 They have stores that sell CBD joints, but marijuana is illegal.

00:02:15.000 Right.

00:02:16.000 So I don't know.

00:02:17.000 My son is in that business, and it is confusing.

00:02:24.000 And I think that's what helps.

00:02:27.000 They got dizzy trying to figure it out.

00:02:30.000 But I was going through LAX on the way out here a week early, because we set this up for, we were talking on Friday, and you said next Tuesday the 8th.

00:02:41.000 Well, I don't even know what month it is, much less what day of the month it is.

00:02:45.000 And so I just thought it's the next Tuesday coming up.

00:02:48.000 Which was only three days away, and I was a little mad at you, and I was like going, wow, it seems like you'd have given me more than three days' notice, and I've got to find a way to get to L.A., and I'm looking at flights.

00:02:58.000 There's nothing good.

00:02:59.000 I'm thinking about bringing my plane down, which it turns out has a problem, so we couldn't bring it down, and I get down here, and he's like, the 8th is a week from today, and I was like...

00:03:13.000 God, I'm so stupid, man.

00:03:15.000 We made it work.

00:03:15.000 Yeah, we made it work.

00:03:17.000 So they just plugged in the stuff a few days early, and here I am.

00:03:21.000 So you're not from here, but you've been here for how long now?

00:03:25.000 Two years?

00:03:27.000 How long have you been here?

00:03:27.000 You know, I started coming to Austin when I was 15 years old.

00:03:31.000 My buddy, his brother taught economics at UT and had a house on 4th Street, which at that time was just little bitty low-end cracker box houses.

00:03:40.000 That mostly teachers lived in.

00:03:42.000 And he would let us stay in his yard.

00:03:45.000 And so we would tell my parents that we were going camping at Lake Sutherland.

00:03:49.000 And my buddy Ricky Bellows, when he turned 16, had the littlest new Honda, but he had one that was wrecked and he rebuilt it.

00:03:57.000 And we'd put all our camping gear in it, come straight to Austin, and set up in my brother, my buddy Mickey McMillan, his brother Scott McMillan, We'd set up in his yard, his backyard, and then we'd walk two blocks of 6th Street.

00:04:11.000 And it was probably 71 or 72, and Austin was tripping balls.

00:04:17.000 I mean, it was people on unicycles, in clown suits, juggling backwards, music pumping out of every window.

00:04:26.000 Stevie Ray Vaughan coming out of this with Stevie Ray Vaughan on one end of the guitar.

00:04:32.000 Steve Ray Vaughn playing live.

00:04:34.000 Live, right.

00:04:35.000 Just out the window.

00:04:36.000 Now, we didn't have any money, and we couldn't get in any club, so we were completely broke.

00:04:40.000 But we were standing there, listening to this music, watching this scene of 6th Street and 71. I guess it was about 71 or 72, when I'd been 15, 71. And even then, there were people going, it's over.

00:04:54.000 You should have seen it in 67. I'm like, still looks pretty good to me, man.

00:05:02.000 Isn't that just what people always do, though?

00:05:03.000 Oh, yeah.

00:05:04.000 You missed it, man.

00:05:05.000 Just the other day, somebody was like, oh, yeah, it's just not what it used to be.

00:05:09.000 And I'm like, when did you get here?

00:05:10.000 Like, Thursday.

00:05:11.000 I'm like, fuck, dude, really?

00:05:12.000 It's taken a dive since Thursday?

00:05:15.000 All these fucking Californians moving in.

00:05:17.000 Yeah, they really hate that shit.

00:05:19.000 Yeah, I talked to this guy who's doing IT work.

00:05:22.000 He's like, we're being invaded.

00:05:24.000 Right.

00:05:24.000 Relax.

00:05:26.000 Well, you know, it's a great state, but it's just a liberal stronghold in the middle of a very Republican state.

00:05:39.000 I was born and raised here, and if people ask me if I'm a Texan, I tell them I'm a Texan.

00:05:44.000 This is where I'm from.

00:05:46.000 And the state is slowly changing and becoming more palatable for everybody, but there's still a pretty hard right-wing faction that runs it all out of Dallas, where all the money is in Houston.

00:06:00.000 Well, that's what keeps it from going haywire, right?

00:06:02.000 Right.

00:06:02.000 That's what keeps it from going straight Portland.

00:06:04.000 Right.

00:06:05.000 Yeah, that's it.

00:06:07.000 You fucking need that, man!

00:06:08.000 Those people are ridiculous.

00:06:10.000 You need that.

00:06:11.000 You need law and order.

00:06:12.000 You do.

00:06:13.000 I don't give a fuck what anybody says.

00:06:16.000 My old joke was, if you come to Texas and kill somebody, we will kill you back.

00:06:23.000 Go somewhere else and kill people.

00:06:25.000 You'll be better off.

00:06:26.000 Go to California.

00:06:28.000 It's just...

00:06:29.000 I just feel like, you know, people want to throw away everything that's there.

00:06:34.000 They just want to break it all down and deconstruct society.

00:06:38.000 But they don't really...

00:06:39.000 I mean, their plan, once they do that...

00:06:41.000 You saw what happened with that six-block chunk of Seattle that they took over.

00:06:46.000 Of course.

00:06:46.000 Chaz.

00:06:47.000 Yeah.

00:06:47.000 It deteriorated almost instantly and became a terribly run country.

00:06:51.000 Right.

00:06:52.000 They had borders.

00:06:53.000 They had people beating people up for filming things.

00:06:55.000 I mean, they had murders.

00:06:57.000 They were thinking about walls.

00:06:59.000 Yes, they took over too.

00:07:00.000 Not only that, they appropriated all the buildings.

00:07:02.000 They didn't build those buildings.

00:07:03.000 They just took it over.

00:07:04.000 The problem with that kind of thinking is, even if you think you're right, what you're doing, now someone can do that to you.

00:07:11.000 Because you've already shown that it can be done.

00:07:13.000 You've already shown that you can just, by force, you can light the fucking mayor of Portland's apartment building on fire and stand out and chant.

00:07:20.000 Well, they could do that to your house, too.

00:07:21.000 Right.

00:07:22.000 You've got to understand, like, what you're doing is not nice.

00:07:25.000 It's not civilized.

00:07:27.000 It's not polite.

00:07:27.000 This is a civilized society.

00:07:29.000 It sure is.

00:07:30.000 And if you decide you're going to do things that are not civilized and you're going to justify it, people can do things that are not civilized to you.

00:07:36.000 Like, the Founding Fathers, as crazy as it is in the 1700s, figured this shit out in advance.

00:07:41.000 They had a whole series of checks and balances to keep things from going sideways.

00:07:45.000 They really had some good ideas.

00:07:47.000 It's really amazing when you stop and think about their great insight into human nature and how it could apply.

00:07:53.000 And where it might go, right?

00:07:54.000 They were right.

00:07:55.000 They were right.

00:07:56.000 Yeah, now, you know, when we were having protests and vandalism and whatever in Beverly Hills, and they were saying that the next...

00:08:06.000 They're coming to tear your town apart.

00:08:08.000 I really didn't think they would, but I still had a retired Navy SEAL standing in front of my house with a gun, and his message was, why don't you go fuck up the house next door to Ron and leave Ron's place alone?

00:08:25.000 Well, it's just these young people with these idealistic ideas about people that are successful that somehow or another you've stolen it from other people and that you need to give it back to everyone else.

00:08:34.000 We need to have a communist society.

00:08:37.000 Where's the money coming from?

00:08:39.000 Who's gonna work?

00:08:40.000 What are you gonna do?

00:08:41.000 Have you thought this through?

00:08:43.000 Right.

00:08:45.000 I'd always chosen the path of least resistance in my life, and it just ended up here, you know, in Joe Rogan's studio at 63 years old.

00:08:54.000 This is the path of least resistance.

00:08:56.000 This is where I ended up.

00:08:58.000 It is, but it isn't.

00:08:59.000 You know, you say that, but you were a grinder.

00:09:01.000 You were out there on the road doing the hard gigs.

00:09:04.000 That's not least resistance.

00:09:06.000 No, it was.

00:09:08.000 You know, it was so much fun, I couldn't stand it.

00:09:10.000 You know, I would tap my foot when I was at home.

00:09:13.000 I wanted to get back out to the path of least resistance.

00:09:16.000 Because, you know me, I love stand-up comedy.

00:09:19.000 And I love being on stage like you do.

00:09:22.000 And touring never bothered me.

00:09:25.000 You know, it got softer and softer.

00:09:28.000 It started out, it was 800 miles in a In a Nissan truck with a bench vinyl seat that would bend you over the steering wheel after 50 miles and you had 800 miles to go to Atlanta to do shows.

00:09:40.000 And I didn't care.

00:09:42.000 I felt like I found it.

00:09:44.000 And I didn't even know what it was until I found it.

00:09:47.000 The first time I was on stage, I was like, oh.

00:09:50.000 I'm a comedian.

00:09:51.000 That's what I am.

00:09:53.000 If you just look at most of society, at least I did when I looked at most of society, most of what people were doing was so unappealing to me.

00:09:59.000 It just didn't resonate with my mind and the way I grew up.

00:10:03.000 It just didn't work.

00:10:04.000 But as soon as I started doing comedy and going on the road, I was like, oh my god, I found this thing.

00:10:09.000 I found a thing that just works.

00:10:11.000 It just fits into my DNA. It just makes sense.

00:10:14.000 That's the same with me.

00:10:16.000 And I never, ever thought that my career would get as big as it did, ever.

00:10:20.000 We were talking about divorce outside.

00:10:24.000 You were talking about how you've been fucked over.

00:10:26.000 And I said, if I could just go back in time when you were broke.

00:10:28.000 And I said, Ron, in the year 2020, you will have been fucked out of millions of dollars in divorce.

00:10:35.000 Yeah.

00:10:35.000 And you'd be like, well, fuck, man.

00:10:37.000 How much did I make?

00:10:39.000 How'd I get all that money?

00:10:40.000 Where'd it come from?

00:10:42.000 Do I have any left after this?

00:10:44.000 How am I doing?

00:10:46.000 So, yeah, and it was two women and all together with lawyers and all in for probably $10 million.

00:10:54.000 Woo!

00:10:55.000 Ouch.

00:10:56.000 And after-tax money, you know.

00:10:58.000 Woo!

00:10:59.000 That's $20 million in real-world dollars.

00:11:01.000 It's something like that.

00:11:04.000 Amazing.

00:11:04.000 Well, you know, if you're making dollars at the box office, you know, you're...

00:11:09.000 You're really only putting about 28 cents out of every dollar in a bank account that you could spend, and you've got a big chunk going to taxes and managers and agents and travel and all that stuff.

00:11:21.000 And you're trying to have fun.

00:11:22.000 And trying to have a good time.

00:11:23.000 Hey, you're not squirreling money away for divorce.

00:11:26.000 Well, it turns out I was.

00:11:29.000 I thought it was retirement, but...

00:11:31.000 Now it turns out, you know, I really believe that I'm retired.

00:11:35.000 I believe I'm done.

00:11:36.000 Really?

00:11:36.000 You done with stand-up?

00:11:38.000 I think so.

00:11:38.000 Listen, man, we're going to open up a club here in Austin.

00:11:41.000 Oh, I'll do that.

00:11:42.000 I'm going to drag you in.

00:11:43.000 Yeah.

00:11:44.000 You're going to crush.

00:11:45.000 You're going to get that feeling down to your toes, that tingle.

00:11:48.000 Woo!

00:11:49.000 I haven't even thought about a set in a half a year.

00:11:53.000 You know, they...

00:11:54.000 They tapped on my bus in the parking lot of a venue in Springfield, Illinois.

00:12:02.000 And the parking lot was half full.

00:12:04.000 You know, I'd flown out from L.A., got on my tour bus in St. Louis.

00:12:09.000 My crew's with me.

00:12:11.000 The crowd's showing up.

00:12:12.000 They knock on the door and said, it's over.

00:12:14.000 Wow.

00:12:15.000 The governor just pulled the plug on this date, and then they plugged it on the next date.

00:12:20.000 And I'm like, fuck, there's not going to be any shows until May, I bet.

00:12:26.000 And boy, was I wrong.

00:12:28.000 Right now, we're in September.

00:12:30.000 Yeah, it is September.

00:12:31.000 And there's no shows in sight.

00:12:33.000 Well, you can go some places.

00:12:35.000 Houston's doing shows.

00:12:36.000 San Antonio's doing shows.

00:12:39.000 Nashville's doing shows.

00:12:40.000 Kansas City's doing shows.

00:12:42.000 A lot of places are like, fuck it, let's roll.

00:12:44.000 Let's just do it.

00:12:45.000 Yeah, but you know, Zany's in Nashville.

00:12:48.000 Hugh Lee fucking collapsed on stage there, and he had COVID, and the guy that ran the club got COVID from him, and He got it from Hughley?

00:12:57.000 Yeah, from Hughley.

00:12:58.000 Well, he got it, so we're assuming it's from Hughley.

00:13:01.000 Maybe he gave it to him.

00:13:02.000 Well, it could have gone the other way, except for...

00:13:05.000 Hughley collapsed, and then he came up positive three days later.

00:13:08.000 Whoever Hughley's road manager is, props to that guy, because he saw it coming and caught him.

00:13:13.000 Yeah, right?

00:13:14.000 Didn't let him hit the floor.

00:13:15.000 Because if he hits the floor, man, he's got brain damage, right?

00:13:19.000 If you fall from a sitting position...

00:13:22.000 And that's kind of a high stage, too.

00:13:24.000 You've been there, right?

00:13:25.000 Yeah.

00:13:27.000 Yeah, my manager would find out about it on the internet the next day.

00:13:31.000 Not only would he not catch me...

00:13:33.000 He wouldn't even know where I was, you know?

00:13:37.000 But it was a weird one, right?

00:13:38.000 Did you watch the video?

00:13:40.000 Of him?

00:13:41.000 Dio, like, his words got all jumbled together.

00:13:45.000 Like, they didn't make sense.

00:13:46.000 Yeah, no, I didn't see it.

00:13:47.000 I didn't even know there was one.

00:13:48.000 It was very strange.

00:13:50.000 And the crowd was like, what?

00:13:51.000 What the fuck did he just say?

00:13:55.000 Oh, is that it?

00:13:56.000 What are you doing, Jamie?

00:13:58.000 We got a lot of fucking technical glitches.

00:14:01.000 We're working out the gremlins here at the new studio.

00:14:04.000 Jamie's trying to show it to us.

00:14:05.000 He'll show it to us.

00:14:06.000 We'll get it.

00:14:06.000 We'll figure it out.

00:14:08.000 But it was a weird moment where he just paused and just started to collapse and his manager caught him right in time.

00:14:16.000 And then he just dragged him off the stage.

00:14:18.000 Oh, I'd like to see the footage of that.

00:14:20.000 Yeah.

00:14:20.000 We would, you know, I play golf when I'm there at the same course.

00:14:25.000 Here it is.

00:14:26.000 Let's see if we can hear it.

00:14:27.000 Oh, I can't.

00:14:28.000 That's what I was working on.

00:14:28.000 Sorry.

00:14:29.000 See, he catches him.

00:14:30.000 Look at this.

00:14:32.000 Right there.

00:14:33.000 Oh, it still bounced his head, though.

00:14:35.000 It wasn't a great catch.

00:14:37.000 No, it wasn't the best catch.

00:14:39.000 I like that little gray goatee thing going on.

00:14:41.000 Yeah, in fact, I like it so much I grew one.

00:14:44.000 I played golf with him and Cedric and George Lopez a few months ago.

00:14:51.000 That must have been a fun outing.

00:14:53.000 Yeah, I was staying at this Bacara Resort up in Santa Barbara, and I just looked across the bar, and it was Hughley and Cedric sitting there.

00:15:01.000 And I'm like, who is that?

00:15:02.000 I recognize these guys.

00:15:04.000 And I went over and started.

00:15:06.000 I just heard them order tequila.

00:15:08.000 And I was like, oh, this is Kindred Spirits over here.

00:15:11.000 I'm going to upgrade their order because they sold my tequila at that place.

00:15:14.000 And so I sent them over some tequila.

00:15:17.000 And they threw a fit over me.

00:15:20.000 You're Ron White.

00:15:21.000 Ron White.

00:15:21.000 And I worked with Cedric.

00:15:22.000 He middled for me on the road.

00:15:24.000 And I knew he was going to be a star then.

00:15:26.000 I was like, they're stopping this guy.

00:15:27.000 You know, he's got so much talent and energy.

00:15:29.000 And so it turns out Lopez was coming up to play golf with him the next day.

00:15:34.000 So we hooked up, made it a foursome, killed a bottle of number one extra in Yeho on the course.

00:15:41.000 We passed it around on the 18th to polish it off.

00:15:45.000 And what a hoot.

00:15:47.000 What a glorious day that was.

00:15:49.000 Just laughter and fun.

00:15:51.000 I'm sure golf is awesome.

00:15:53.000 That's a lot of time.

00:15:54.000 You don't have time for it, buddy.

00:15:56.000 I don't have time for it.

00:15:57.000 You ain't got time for it.

00:15:58.000 I don't know how you do what you do.

00:15:59.000 Three shows a day or three of these a day.

00:16:03.000 I don't do three a day anymore.

00:16:05.000 The last time I did your show, I was the third one that day.

00:16:09.000 You were like, yeah, I'm going to go do my abs.

00:16:11.000 Then I got five sets tonight.

00:16:12.000 I'm like, Jesus Christ.

00:16:14.000 I'm going to go to bed.

00:16:15.000 I was drunk, stoned.

00:16:17.000 I'm like, you're going to do what?

00:16:19.000 Yeah, I got to do my abs and I'm going to head on over.

00:16:22.000 Yeah, last podcast we did, we got a little lit.

00:16:25.000 Yeah.

00:16:25.000 We got crazy.

00:16:26.000 Yeah, early.

00:16:27.000 It's your fucking tequila.

00:16:28.000 You come bring in your own tequila.

00:16:30.000 What's a man supposed to do?

00:16:31.000 Right.

00:16:32.000 You got to drink it.

00:16:33.000 You got to drink it.

00:16:33.000 So you were saying you're just in the tequila business now.

00:16:36.000 You're basically not even in the comedy business anymore.

00:16:38.000 You know, I actually told somebody in a conversation that I used to be a comedian.

00:16:42.000 They said, what do you do?

00:16:44.000 I said, I used to be a comic.

00:16:45.000 And then I kind of caught myself.

00:16:46.000 I'm like, well, Because I believe if you want to be a comedian, all you have to do is go be a comedian.

00:16:51.000 But you have to do that, right?

00:16:52.000 You have to go do it.

00:16:54.000 You have to go do shows and all those things that I just don't do anymore.

00:16:57.000 When you call someone a comic, how long do they have to have done it?

00:17:03.000 You know, before I recognize it, a while.

00:17:08.000 What's a while?

00:17:09.000 A year?

00:17:12.000 I'd say five.

00:17:13.000 Five years.

00:17:14.000 Yeah, before you even start to understand the relationship between you and all those people out there, it's a long process.

00:17:21.000 I think I caught on to doing stand-up really quickly.

00:17:26.000 So when I had four minutes, I could kill for four minutes.

00:17:29.000 And then I could kill for five minutes.

00:17:31.000 So I always kind of understood how to generate the power, you know, even from pretty early on.

00:17:37.000 But I still only had five minutes.

00:17:40.000 I think the worst thing that can happen to a young comic now is they come out and win some contest and all of a sudden they're headlining.

00:17:46.000 But, you know, they won with 10 minutes of material.

00:17:48.000 And then what do you do?

00:17:49.000 That's a tough spot to be in.

00:17:51.000 Yeah, it's horrible.

00:17:52.000 Charlie Murphy was famous, and then he started doing stand-up.

00:17:56.000 So he was doing stand-up as a famous person, famous for being funny on The Chappelle Show.

00:18:02.000 Right.

00:18:02.000 That took balls.

00:18:04.000 Yeah, it did.

00:18:04.000 And I was around Charlie during those days, and it was crazy.

00:18:08.000 I mean, he just was learning stand-up in front of sold-out crowds.

00:18:13.000 Yeah, that's scary.

00:18:15.000 But I never thought any of this, even though I was standing right next to Foxworthy when he exploded into one of the biggest comics that ever lived.

00:18:23.000 Uh, I never thought it would happen to me.

00:18:26.000 You know, I just didn't.

00:18:27.000 Uh, and I was okay with it.

00:18:29.000 You know, I liked being a club headliner and I was, I was still making, you know, as much money as my friends or more as a club headliner.

00:18:38.000 And, and I wasn't paying my taxes, which made it seem like I made even more money.

00:18:42.000 You're right.

00:18:43.000 So I'm picking up tabs and shit.

00:18:45.000 Right.

00:18:45.000 And, uh, but I never saw big, you know, big, Big success ever coming my way, and it just did.

00:18:54.000 I think the most fun you have is when you're just making enough money to not worry about money.

00:19:02.000 Everything else gets complicated.

00:19:05.000 Yeah.

00:19:06.000 Things get complicated when they can take 10 million from you in a divorce.

00:19:09.000 Yeah, right.

00:19:10.000 That is.

00:19:10.000 Well, you know what?

00:19:11.000 That's the thing.

00:19:12.000 I remember after Blue Collar came out, and all of a sudden, when the DVD came out, all of a sudden, I could sell out any venue in the country in two minutes, literally.

00:19:26.000 And the money was coming in.

00:19:27.000 And I was so joyous because I didn't see what else was coming behind it.

00:19:31.000 Right?

00:19:32.000 I just saw, all of a sudden, I'm making money hand over fist over hand over fist.

00:19:37.000 And I'd wake up in the morning glad to be me, you know.

00:19:41.000 Having fun.

00:19:41.000 I would wake up going, yeah, this is great.

00:19:43.000 I could go online and look, I'm a millionaire.

00:19:46.000 Look at this, I'm a millionaire.

00:19:48.000 This is the most fantastic thing ever.

00:19:51.000 But I didn't see what was coming, you know, just as far as all the, you know, I'm basically an idiot and I'm a fool in his money and you don't want to walk away from that without a big pile of it.

00:20:04.000 And, you know, and I'm kind of getting to a place in my life where now I'm like, all right, I'm okay.

00:20:13.000 I'm okay.

00:20:14.000 I still got it.

00:20:15.000 I mean, I still have the finances to retire comfortably and, I mean, not...

00:20:22.000 Actually, my girlfriend lives on the main channel over on Oxnard at the marina, and we were talking about getting a boat.

00:20:30.000 So I called my friend, who's an offshore boat racer, a billionaire, and he knows a lot about boats.

00:20:40.000 He'd maybe give us some direction on what kind of boat would be great.

00:20:45.000 And so he started asking me right away on the phone call.

00:20:48.000 He said, how's the career going, man?

00:20:50.000 What's going on in your life?

00:20:51.000 I said, it's over, man.

00:20:52.000 I don't have any dates.

00:20:53.000 I have nothing on the books.

00:20:54.000 I don't know when it's coming back.

00:20:56.000 And I talked to my financial people and said, let's figure that I'm never going to make another dime.

00:21:01.000 What can I keep?

00:21:02.000 What do I sell?

00:21:04.000 And I said, I got to get rid of the plane and probably the bus.

00:21:08.000 And he goes, well, at least you don't have a boat.

00:21:09.000 And I was like, well, that was the next one.

00:21:12.000 That was my next question, man.

00:21:13.000 I was going to sell the boat to get a bus.

00:21:15.000 I was going to sell the bus to get a boat.

00:21:17.000 But if everything comes back, if they develop a vaccine, if we reach herd immunity, if people start touring again, you'll be out.

00:21:27.000 I don't know.

00:21:27.000 Come on, man.

00:21:28.000 I don't know what's left, Joe.

00:21:29.000 Come on, man.

00:21:30.000 I'll bring you out there.

00:21:31.000 I'll just bring you out for a guest set.

00:21:32.000 Bring you out for a little guest set.

00:21:34.000 Give you a little taste.

00:21:35.000 You'll feel the roar of the crowd.

00:21:36.000 Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Ron White!

00:21:40.000 Yeah, wouldn't it be nice?

00:21:42.000 You know, I could tell because I always worked really hard, right?

00:21:47.000 Not worked really hard, but I always did a lot of shows, right?

00:21:52.000 Toured all the time.

00:21:53.000 And if I took 10 days off, I could feel it in my big set.

00:21:57.000 You know, just that information's not floating as close to the top as I'd like for it to be.

00:22:01.000 And then by the next set, it was a little better.

00:22:03.000 By the third set, I'm fine.

00:22:06.000 I haven't done a set, thought about a set, looked at a set list, watched a tape in a half a year.

00:22:11.000 And I don't know how long it would even take to get it back.

00:22:15.000 Or if I could just walk back into it.

00:22:18.000 You'd walk right back into it.

00:22:19.000 I did Houston Improv, I guess about a month and a half, two months ago now.

00:22:23.000 And I listened to a bunch of sets, and I did the whole weekend.

00:22:28.000 And I listened to like three or four recordings, made notes, wrote down all my stuff.

00:22:33.000 I forgot a couple of things, forgot the way the order, a few taglines, but I walked out just having a great time.

00:22:39.000 I had a great time.

00:22:40.000 First show was a little odd, like, wow, I can't believe I'm doing stand-up again.

00:22:43.000 By the second show was a show.

00:22:44.000 By the third show, I was back.

00:22:46.000 Okay.

00:22:47.000 But it was just because I listened to all the recordings.

00:22:49.000 I took a lot of time.

00:22:50.000 I really went over it.

00:22:51.000 What venue, what size venue were you?

00:22:53.000 It's a small place, the Improv.

00:22:55.000 Okay.

00:22:55.000 You know, I mean, I think it seats 500. And I think they were at 75% capacity.

00:23:00.000 Yeah, right.

00:23:01.000 Not really.

00:23:02.000 Why are there no empty chairs?

00:23:04.000 It's pretty packed.

00:23:05.000 Oh, we took the chairs we didn't need outside.

00:23:07.000 But it was a good time.

00:23:09.000 It was fun.

00:23:10.000 But then I started thinking, man, what if I got it and then gave it to somebody?

00:23:13.000 That's my worry.

00:23:14.000 I give it to some person that has a compromised immune system.

00:23:17.000 Right.

00:23:18.000 Well, that's what, you know, I was telling you that, uh, my girlfriend and I, I was going to move, uh, uh, this, I bought a new car for out in LA and I wanted to move the car that was out there, out here.

00:23:29.000 So we decided to just drive it.

00:23:31.000 So we stopped in Vegas and, uh, stayed at the Bellagio when I, and I've always worked at the Mirage and I found out that outside the Mirage, I'm nobody, even with the MGM grand folks.

00:23:43.000 And So it was kind of just, you know, a week before we got there, people were going, who's got the keys to this thing, man?

00:23:50.000 How do you turn those lights on?

00:23:52.000 We fired those people.

00:23:53.000 We got to get them back because we don't know how to do this.

00:23:56.000 Yeah, those casinos had basically shut down for months at a time.

00:23:59.000 And those are monster, complicated fucking properties.

00:24:03.000 Yeah.

00:24:07.000 We did some gambling.

00:24:08.000 We ate some decent food.

00:24:10.000 No shows or anything.

00:24:11.000 We were there for three days and it was great.

00:24:13.000 Played golf.

00:24:15.000 But we just stayed to ourselves.

00:24:17.000 We won some money playing blackjack and spent it immediately on caviar and champagne.

00:24:23.000 I'm like, look what we won.

00:24:25.000 This is great.

00:24:26.000 Then we went to Sedona, and Sedona, you've been to Sedona, Arizona.

00:24:33.000 It's like...

00:24:34.000 Hippie land.

00:24:34.000 Yeah.

00:24:35.000 It's all crystals.

00:24:36.000 Faith healers.

00:24:37.000 But it's gorgeous.

00:24:37.000 Just beautiful.

00:24:38.000 It is beautiful.

00:24:39.000 Oh, it's like stunning.

00:24:40.000 I mean, every direction you look.

00:24:43.000 Why does it attract so many flaky people, though?

00:24:45.000 They say it's because of some kind of a vibe that it has, energy, or whatever.

00:24:52.000 And we were staying in this, you know, it's kind of a five-star resort, and it was down on this river with these little cabins and this beautiful river, Wolf, whatever, Oak Creek or whatever it is, and cuts through these huge canyons.

00:25:05.000 And you could take these Adirondack chairs and put them in the river and just sit in this beautiful clear running river and just sit out there and relax and let the world go by and breathe.

00:25:16.000 And it was really, really nice.

00:25:20.000 And I told Jeannie, I said, you know what we could do?

00:25:23.000 Because we made kind of last minute reservations, so we had the littlest cabin furthest from the river.

00:25:30.000 But there was a little house right on the river.

00:25:33.000 I don't know what they charged for it, but it was cool as shit.

00:25:36.000 And I said, you know what we could do?

00:25:38.000 We would pool our money and just rent this place.

00:25:42.000 And we'll just live here until we're broke.

00:25:46.000 Until the money's gone.

00:25:48.000 We've run up a tab.

00:25:49.000 We can't pay it.

00:25:50.000 I'll tell them there's money coming.

00:25:52.000 We've already spent millions here.

00:25:54.000 And then when the cops are wading into the river to drag us out and throw us off the property, we'll shoot ourselves and just float dead.

00:26:02.000 And she was like, what?

00:26:05.000 I'm not saying we have to.

00:26:08.000 I'm just saying.

00:26:09.000 And then I kind of, okay, syringe of heroin and just whatever, you know.

00:26:14.000 She nixed it.

00:26:16.000 Yeah.

00:26:17.000 Chicks don't like those romantic ideas.

00:26:19.000 Yeah.

00:26:19.000 So then we went to Santa Fe, then Austin, and then I had my tour bus pick us up in Austin and took us up to Nashville and then to see my mother in Cocoa Beach, Florida.

00:26:30.000 And so we had COVID tests before we got to mother's house to make sure, even though we'd been being very, very safe, that I couldn't bear the thought of Yeah.

00:26:41.000 Off and my mom.

00:26:43.000 Yeah.

00:26:44.000 That's the big fear, man.

00:26:45.000 That's the big fear.

00:26:46.000 The big fear is giving it to somebody who can't handle it, right?

00:26:49.000 Right.

00:26:50.000 It's a weird one, man.

00:26:52.000 I mean, this society has changed in such a radical way over the last six months.

00:26:56.000 It's almost like if you...

00:26:58.000 I know someone who actually did get hit by a car right before George Floyd died.

00:27:06.000 Yeah.

00:27:19.000 Yeah.

00:27:20.000 Awesome zombie movie.

00:27:21.000 But the guy wakes up in the middle of a coma, from a coma, and the world's changed.

00:27:26.000 He woke up and there was a virus that swept through the land, a virus that they created for chimpanzees called Rage, and it escaped from a lab and started infecting people and turned them into these wild zombie creatures.

00:27:39.000 Right.

00:27:40.000 But, you know, it's almost like that.

00:27:42.000 This person that I know woke up From getting hit by a car, flown through the air, landed on their head, got all fucked up, in a coma for 10 days, hospitalized, and then coming out of it, watching the news,

00:27:58.000 going, what the fuck is happening?

00:28:00.000 Right.

00:28:01.000 Cops cars on fire.

00:28:03.000 Streets are burning.

00:28:05.000 People wearing masks.

00:28:07.000 Everyone's wearing a mask.

00:28:08.000 And not wearing masks.

00:28:11.000 I'm so protective of my mom, but she wants to get out.

00:28:14.000 She wants to go to the grocery store.

00:28:16.000 She wants to go, but she's just been locked up.

00:28:19.000 She also cooks for me.

00:28:23.000 My mother loves to cook for me.

00:28:26.000 And it was almost like Breaking Bad when they'd chain that guy to the meth lab.

00:28:30.000 That's what my mother looked like in the kitchen, you know, just making fried chicken and fried shrimp and gumbo and all the things I love.

00:28:37.000 But we went to the store and, you know, she likes to, you know, she doesn't walk that stable, but so she likes to walk with a, you know, with his cart.

00:28:44.000 And so we went and There are people not wearing masks, and I just wanted to fucking cuss them out, you know, and so they get to walk around with no mask.

00:28:56.000 I got to keep my mother in a storage facility, you know, so she doesn't catch this disease.

00:29:01.000 And so I'd like for everybody to catch on with the mask thing, you know, and just let's get through this.

00:29:07.000 Yeah, I think most people have caught on with it now.

00:29:09.000 Don't you think?

00:29:10.000 Most people are wearing masks.

00:29:11.000 It's pretty rare that people aren't wearing masks.

00:29:13.000 Especially around old folks.

00:29:15.000 It's become, I think, a little bit better.

00:29:17.000 And we're getting some better numbers right now.

00:29:20.000 So that's good.

00:29:22.000 I hope.

00:29:24.000 You taking your vitamin D? No.

00:29:26.000 Okay.

00:29:27.000 Well, you got to take vitamin D. It's very important.

00:29:29.000 There's an article that was just published recently that I put on my Twitter page.

00:29:33.000 I don't read your Twitter page.

00:29:35.000 You don't have to, but I'll send you the things directly that are important.

00:29:38.000 All right.

00:29:38.000 But this was talking about vitamin C and people that get COVID and wind up in the ICU. And vitamin D seems to be the biggest factor.

00:29:51.000 One of the things Dr. Rhonda Patrick talked about on the podcast, too, is that more than 80% of the people in the ICU are deficient in vitamin D. And only 4% had sufficient levels of vitamin D. The vitamin D has a significant impact on your immune system,

00:30:07.000 and most people don't get it.

00:30:08.000 You probably get a good amount because you're out in the sun golfing a lot, but probably not quite enough.

00:30:13.000 And you should almost always supplement it.

00:30:15.000 Yeah, my doctor said something.

00:30:16.000 I just had all my tests done the other day, and he said that you need to boost your vitamin D. That's what he said.

00:30:24.000 Everybody does.

00:30:25.000 Humans aren't supposed to live in this little fucking red spaceship.

00:30:28.000 We're supposed to be outside in the world.

00:30:30.000 I mean, this is how we evolved.

00:30:31.000 We evolved to be outside all the time.

00:30:33.000 We didn't evolve to be indoor creatures.

00:30:37.000 So our bodies are designed to absorb vitamin D from the sun.

00:30:41.000 I mean, that's how we create vitamin D in our body.

00:30:44.000 Right.

00:30:44.000 And I think you're right.

00:30:45.000 I do spend an awful lot of time outside.

00:30:49.000 But I need to get on a program, that's for sure.

00:30:53.000 Are you willing?

00:30:53.000 I'll put you on a program.

00:30:55.000 I'm willing.

00:30:55.000 I'm willing to be on a program.

00:30:57.000 I'll get you on some vitamins.

00:30:57.000 Yeah.

00:30:58.000 Do you take a ton of vitamins?

00:31:00.000 I take a lot of shit.

00:31:02.000 Even though...

00:31:03.000 And you believe it's all good?

00:31:06.000 Oh, hell yeah.

00:31:06.000 I feel great.

00:31:07.000 You have more energy than anybody I know.

00:31:10.000 Do you sleep at all?

00:31:11.000 I do.

00:31:12.000 That's one of the reasons why I have energy.

00:31:13.000 I sleep a lot.

00:31:14.000 A little amount of sleep for me is six hours.

00:31:17.000 That's a little amount.

00:31:18.000 Like, that's like a, oh, I gotta catch up.

00:31:20.000 A good night, I'm sleeping eight.

00:31:21.000 Maybe even nine.

00:31:23.000 Yeah, I sleep.

00:31:25.000 I sleep good.

00:31:27.000 It's important.

00:31:28.000 It's everything, man.

00:31:28.000 It's everything.

00:31:29.000 That's what I want from you.

00:31:32.000 I'd love to have Joe Rogan energy instead of Ron White energy, which is, man, let's take a nap.

00:31:39.000 That's the tequila, son.

00:31:40.000 Oh, no, that's salvation.

00:31:43.000 Pour some of that salvation.

00:31:45.000 All right, all right.

00:31:46.000 Drag it open.

00:31:47.000 I was going to make this deal that for sure I didn't drink for the first hour.

00:31:53.000 I think we're about 40 minutes.

00:31:54.000 Okay, that's close.

00:31:56.000 Close?

00:31:56.000 Close enough.

00:31:57.000 30 minutes?

00:31:59.000 28?

00:32:03.000 You made yourself a deal.

00:32:05.000 That's hilarious.

00:32:07.000 Yeah, see, if you drink this every day, you're not going to have a lot of energy.

00:32:10.000 But you will have an interesting energy while you're drinking it.

00:32:13.000 You know, the thing is, it's a stimulant.

00:32:17.000 And I know I've told you that before.

00:32:18.000 Instead of a depressant, cheers, Joe Rogan.

00:32:20.000 Cheers, my brother.

00:32:21.000 Congratulations to both of us.

00:32:23.000 Thank you.

00:32:23.000 For everything.

00:32:24.000 For everything.

00:32:28.000 Woo!

00:32:35.000 Smell it?

00:32:36.000 Yeah.

00:32:37.000 I'm stocking your bar at your house, so I brought a box of tequila.

00:32:41.000 I'll have some good ideas with this stuff.

00:32:43.000 This stuff will bring me to some strange places.

00:32:45.000 It will.

00:32:47.000 For sure.

00:32:47.000 I was also going to bring some shrooms, but I decided not to.

00:32:51.000 Are you still microdosing?

00:32:53.000 You know, it...

00:32:54.000 Did it stop working?

00:32:56.000 No, it didn't stop working.

00:32:57.000 The guy I was getting it from went to prison.

00:33:01.000 For mushrooms?

00:33:02.000 I don't know.

00:33:03.000 What are the odds?

00:33:04.000 Yeah, right.

00:33:04.000 I don't know.

00:33:05.000 I think that's exactly what happened.

00:33:07.000 Who the fuck is putting someone in jail for mushrooms?

00:33:10.000 That guy should go to jail.

00:33:11.000 Yeah.

00:33:12.000 You know, he was a door guy in a club.

00:33:17.000 but he was really doing it because you know he knew a lot of vets that had you know ptsd and and they and people were feeling like hallucinogens were you know making a connection for some of these guys and particularly micro dosing yeah micro dosing that's what and that's what i was doing unless there was a concert to go to and then i was maxo dosing well i ran into you at the green room at the comedy store and you're like i found this thing that's amazing I'm just microdosing.

00:33:44.000 I guess I'm on medication.

00:33:46.000 It puts a little sparkle in your day.

00:33:50.000 You described it as wonderful.

00:33:53.000 I go, how are you feeling?

00:33:54.000 It's wonderful.

00:33:55.000 It's wonderful.

00:33:57.000 Take the drugs and go to the concert.

00:33:59.000 Have fun.

00:34:00.000 Get my lazy ass off the ground.

00:34:02.000 But the microdosing, it's just enough to feel it.

00:34:05.000 It's just enough to feel it.

00:34:09.000 Just enough to take the edge off of life.

00:34:12.000 But you're very there.

00:34:13.000 Very coherent.

00:34:14.000 Yeah, even more, probably.

00:34:16.000 Yeah, well, they say you see things better.

00:34:18.000 There was studies done on visual acuity.

00:34:21.000 One of these...

00:34:23.000 Psychedelic researchers, they did these things with people where they gave them low doses of psilocybin and they were able to detect movement quicker than people without it.

00:34:31.000 So they have two lines, two parallel lines, and when one of the lines would diverge off of parallel, the people on mushrooms could recognize it much quicker than the people not on mushrooms.

00:34:39.000 Yeah, one of my earliest mushroom experiences, maybe the first, We had heard about it.

00:34:48.000 Of course, I was in Houston, so mushrooms were at the end of every street because it's all developed ranch land the further out you go.

00:34:53.000 So at the end of it, there's a pasture and that's full of mushrooms.

00:34:57.000 I had no idea they had value anywhere because they were just so readily available.

00:35:03.000 I boiled some up, me and Joe Payne, and we drank them, but we didn't know how long it took for it to hit, and then Joe had to leave, and I'm sitting there, and my dad comes home.

00:35:16.000 I was standing with him, and I felt these mushrooms coming on a little bit, and then there was this horrible wreck in Houston where this big truck with some kind of gas flipped on one of those big overpasses, and they had cameras out there.

00:35:32.000 And I started laughing so hard.

00:35:35.000 It was the funniest thing I've ever seen.

00:35:38.000 And I couldn't stop myself from laughing at it.

00:35:42.000 And it wasn't funny at all.

00:35:44.000 But the laughter was in my dad.

00:35:48.000 I remember him just looking at me going, what's wrong with him?

00:35:51.000 And so I left and I was driving my car and I noticed that I could see an eye of a bird.

00:35:58.000 That was 50 yards away while I was running into the back of another car.

00:36:04.000 So I can't really verify that everything...

00:36:10.000 But the bird's eye I was looking at, and then all of a sudden, ka-tank!

00:36:13.000 Not very hard, but it was definitely a wreck.

00:36:17.000 Yeah, it makes you see things.

00:36:18.000 It makes you hear things.

00:36:20.000 It makes you...

00:36:21.000 Yeah, I just started hearing it too.

00:36:24.000 I don't know who it is.

00:36:25.000 Comes and goes.

00:36:26.000 We got some gremlins.

00:36:28.000 Spaceship noises in your spaceship looking place here.

00:36:32.000 Yeah, we're working this place out and trying to figure it out.

00:36:35.000 I like it though.

00:36:37.000 I think it's, you know, whenever you're in a new spot, you got to get accustomed to it.

00:36:42.000 It still feels weird.

00:36:43.000 Like we did one with Adam Curry.

00:36:44.000 It just felt weird.

00:36:46.000 It feels weird to be here.

00:36:47.000 Yeah, I'm already used to it.

00:36:49.000 Yeah, I'm used to Austin.

00:36:51.000 I'll tell you that.

00:36:51.000 I got used to it quick.

00:36:53.000 I'm settled in.

00:36:54.000 I love it.

00:36:55.000 I like it a lot.

00:36:56.000 I love the less people.

00:36:57.000 I love how friendly everybody is.

00:36:59.000 There's a lot of good things about this place.

00:37:01.000 I love the barbecue.

00:37:02.000 I had diarrhea for four days in a row.

00:37:04.000 I couldn't stop.

00:37:05.000 Really?

00:37:05.000 All I was eating is fucking barbecue.

00:37:07.000 I had like a piece of lettuce in four days.

00:37:10.000 It was all ribs.

00:37:12.000 Ribs and sauce.

00:37:13.000 Like, Jesus.

00:37:14.000 Where are they coming from?

00:37:15.000 You got a go-to place?

00:37:17.000 Oh, man, I was going everywhere.

00:37:19.000 I found this hole in the wall, a bee cave barbecue.

00:37:23.000 Holy shit, it's like a trailer.

00:37:25.000 Like this little trailer that you pull up to.

00:37:28.000 Fucking phenomenal.

00:37:30.000 You know, they're all born out of this.

00:37:32.000 Phenomenal.

00:37:32.000 You know, these are all early German settlements through New Braunfels, and they just understood smokehouses.

00:37:39.000 Is that what it is?

00:37:40.000 That's where it all came from.

00:37:41.000 Wow, it all came from Germany.

00:37:43.000 Yeah.

00:37:44.000 No kidding?

00:37:45.000 Yeah.

00:37:45.000 Oh, wow.

00:37:46.000 Well, I know there's a lot of German folks that live in Fredericksburg, right?

00:37:50.000 Like out there.

00:37:51.000 Oh, and New Bromvilles and what's south of New Bromvilles.

00:37:56.000 Where does your aunt live?

00:37:58.000 They live in New Bromvilles.

00:38:01.000 But anyway, that was all German settlements.

00:38:05.000 We used to go camp, and we'd go tube the Guadalupe River, which is a fun, fun thing to do.

00:38:10.000 We stayed at a campground called the Lazy L&L, which used to be a farm for this German family.

00:38:16.000 The guy that owned it figured out he could turn it into a campground and make easier money, so he did.

00:38:22.000 He was about 90 years old, and he smelled horrible.

00:38:26.000 Just really stunk, always.

00:38:29.000 Always wearing the same clothes.

00:38:30.000 Yeah, one of those guys.

00:38:32.000 No more pussy, fuck it.

00:38:33.000 Fuck showers.

00:38:34.000 Right, fuck showers.

00:38:35.000 What would I have to take a shower for?

00:38:37.000 But he told me he wanted to show me something.

00:38:40.000 So their old barns were there and stuff, and he took me over and he showed me a plow that had a seat on it.

00:38:48.000 And he said that when he saw that, he said that he thought everything that could be invented had been invented.

00:38:55.000 Now you're sitting on a plow.

00:38:58.000 Are you fucking kidding me?

00:39:00.000 Living the good life.

00:39:01.000 God damn, the horse is dragging you and the plow.

00:39:04.000 You're all good.

00:39:04.000 And you're not doing anything.

00:39:07.000 Your boots aren't getting muddy.

00:39:08.000 No, you're above it.

00:39:09.000 You're good.

00:39:10.000 You're above it, grinding through life.

00:39:12.000 You're living that silver star life.

00:39:14.000 It's a weird thing that the immigrants came out here learning how to smoke meat, like Germans smoked meat and smoked sausages, and they somehow or another morphed that into barbecue.

00:39:25.000 It was everybody that worked for that one of those people.

00:39:28.000 They went and started their own place because they learned how to do it.

00:39:31.000 And it just kind of spread from that.

00:39:33.000 You can't have bad barbecue here.

00:39:35.000 You will not survive.

00:39:36.000 No, no, no, no.

00:39:37.000 You will not survive.

00:39:38.000 I found that out.

00:39:39.000 No, you cannot make any money selling shitty barbecue in the Texas Hill Country.

00:39:44.000 You cannot.

00:39:45.000 It's just not happening.

00:39:45.000 No.

00:39:46.000 It's not happening.

00:39:47.000 No.

00:39:47.000 Yeah, everything's good.

00:39:49.000 Yeah.

00:39:50.000 The real worry, like I was saying, is that people like me will come here and fuck it up.

00:39:55.000 How could you fuck it up?

00:39:56.000 I'm not going to fuck it up.

00:39:57.000 I'm going to find nice Texas people and say, tell me how to vote.

00:40:00.000 I'll vote your way.

00:40:01.000 I want to keep your thing going.

00:40:03.000 Whatever you did to get this, I want to keep this going.

00:40:07.000 It had nothing to do with politics.

00:40:09.000 It didn't.

00:40:10.000 But politics could fuck it up, though.

00:40:12.000 Not the barbecue.

00:40:14.000 No, not the barbecue.

00:40:15.000 But they could fuck up some of the aspects of this place.

00:40:17.000 Yeah.

00:40:18.000 The freedom parts.

00:40:19.000 Right.

00:40:19.000 Yeah.

00:40:20.000 The thing about having a place like this is you gotta kinda let people do...

00:40:24.000 Like, one of the things that I love about Texas is the fact that it's so wild.

00:40:28.000 That you could do a lot of shit here.

00:40:30.000 You could do crazy...

00:40:31.000 Like, I looked at a ranch.

00:40:33.000 And I said, what if I wanted to put a comedy club on this ranch?

00:40:36.000 Is there any rules?

00:40:37.000 They go, no.

00:40:38.000 No, go ahead.

00:40:39.000 They were like, go ahead.

00:40:40.000 I go, what about a shooting range?

00:40:41.000 They're like, okay.

00:40:42.000 Of course.

00:40:42.000 Fine.

00:40:43.000 Yeah, bring it.

00:40:43.000 Like, do whatever the fuck you want.

00:40:44.000 Put a fence around, shoot every animal you have.

00:40:46.000 Yeah.

00:40:47.000 Like, they don't care.

00:40:47.000 Kill them all.

00:40:49.000 It's freedom.

00:40:50.000 It is.

00:40:51.000 It's freedom.

00:40:55.000 I'm socially pretty liberal, but physically pretty conservative.

00:41:01.000 Yeah, me too.

00:41:03.000 I just lean that way.

00:41:11.000 I hope that Texas leans that way too.

00:41:18.000 I don't know that it ever will, but I love the freedom of Texas, and I love calling myself a Texan.

00:41:28.000 It was a sovereign nation at one time.

00:41:30.000 We could fly our flag as high as the U.S. flag.

00:41:32.000 No other state can because they weren't a sovereign nation.

00:41:35.000 That's true.

00:41:36.000 You could fly the Texas flag at the same height.

00:41:39.000 It's the only flag?

00:41:40.000 Yep.

00:41:41.000 Do you know why this place is so crazy?

00:41:44.000 Do you know the whole history?

00:41:45.000 Why it's so different than anywhere else?

00:41:47.000 Why Austin or Texas?

00:41:48.000 Just Texas in general.

00:41:49.000 Because it was its own country.

00:41:50.000 Because of the Comanches.

00:41:52.000 The Comanches.

00:41:53.000 It's really what it is.

00:41:54.000 Okay.

00:41:54.000 Alright, let's hear it, Joe.

00:41:56.000 They had to fight off the Comanches.

00:41:57.000 The Comanches...

00:41:58.000 They were mean.

00:41:59.000 ...were the baddest motherfuckers in the Plains.

00:42:02.000 Yeah.

00:42:02.000 And they literally ran the western part of this country.

00:42:05.000 They were the most savage.

00:42:07.000 All they ate was meat.

00:42:08.000 They lived off of, like, buffalo meat, basically.

00:42:11.000 They learned how to ride horseback better than any other Indians.

00:42:14.000 They learned how...

00:42:15.000 And they called themselves Indians.

00:42:16.000 It's the thing, like, Native American versus Indian.

00:42:18.000 I've talked to them.

00:42:19.000 They prefer the term Indian.

00:42:21.000 I don't know if that applies to all of them, but the ones that I've talked to when I've been trying to educate myself about this shit, they said, we prefer the term Indian, so...

00:42:30.000 But didn't the American people or the settlers called them Indians because they thought they were in India?

00:42:35.000 The original people in the 1400s thought they were in India.

00:42:38.000 Yeah.

00:42:38.000 But for whatever reason, it stuck.

00:42:40.000 But the Comanches, they were...

00:42:43.000 The Texas Rangers were the first guys to figure out how to beat the Comanches.

00:42:48.000 So Mexico was allowing people to move in to Texas and Oklahoma back in the day when the settlers were like, go ahead, my friend.

00:42:57.000 Go ahead.

00:42:57.000 It's free.

00:42:58.000 It's free.

00:42:58.000 And they were basically using settlers as a buffer for the Comanches.

00:43:01.000 Because everybody who moved into these places and built houses just got slaughtered.

00:43:05.000 Right.

00:43:06.000 And so when the Texas Rangers figured out...

00:43:09.000 But it was Mexico until when?

00:43:10.000 Yes.

00:43:11.000 Until what year?

00:43:11.000 I don't remember what year.

00:43:12.000 But they figured out...

00:43:14.000 The Texas Rangers were the first guys who figured out how to fight the Comanche.

00:43:18.000 And what they did is they basically fought like them.

00:43:20.000 The early settlers used to get off of their horses to shoot...

00:43:23.000 So they'd get off their horses with a fucking musket, and the Comanches would run on them, and they could shoot five, six arrows in six seconds.

00:43:30.000 So they would just boom, boom, boom, filling them up with arrows.

00:43:34.000 And these poor bastards had the musket with the stick and the powder, and they got fucked.

00:43:38.000 So Colt figured out how to make a revolver, and the first revolver was made somewhere in the 1840s.

00:43:45.000 And one of the very first people that used the revolver was the Texas Rangers.

00:43:52.000 It was Jack Hayes.

00:43:53.000 Jack Hayes was the original Texas Ranger.

00:43:55.000 And this bad motherfucker figured out how to live like a Comanche, fight off a horseback.

00:44:00.000 99% sure that's his name.

00:44:02.000 Jack Hayes.

00:44:03.000 Google that real quick.

00:44:04.000 But we actually made a large photo of this dude that's going to hang in the front lobby.

00:44:12.000 Oh, cool.

00:44:12.000 Yeah, there he is.

00:44:14.000 John Hayes.

00:44:15.000 Well, they call him Jack, too, right?

00:44:16.000 Isn't that weird that Jack is a nickname for John?

00:44:19.000 John F. Kennedy is Jack Kennedy?

00:44:21.000 Yeah, that doesn't make any sense.

00:44:22.000 How the fuck did that happen?

00:44:24.000 Jack Hayes, yeah.

00:44:25.000 John Coffey, Jack Hayes, was an American military officer.

00:44:29.000 So that dude, there's a large metal photo that's being made of him.

00:44:34.000 He's the reason why Texas exists.

00:44:36.000 Because these motherfuckers figured out how to fight the Comanches.

00:44:40.000 They figured out how to do it and partly because of Colt and because of the revolver.

00:44:45.000 And the revolver was basically...

00:44:47.000 This all comes from a book that's an amazing book that I read called Empire the Summer Moon by this guy, Sam Gwynn, S.G. Gwynn.

00:44:57.000 And it's all about the Comanches and how difficult it was for the settlers to make it across Texas.

00:45:04.000 So Texas became this fiercely independent place, partially in part because of their battles with the Comanches, who ran through Austin.

00:45:13.000 You can find Comanche arrowheads in Austin still to this day.

00:45:18.000 I have friends who've found them here.

00:45:19.000 Right.

00:45:20.000 I have friends that look for them all the time.

00:45:22.000 In fact, Foxworthy is one of them.

00:45:23.000 He goes on these arrowhead searches all over the place.

00:45:26.000 Where they find them for the most is those buffalo jumps.

00:45:29.000 You know those places where the Comanche would force buffalo off cliffs?

00:45:33.000 I didn't even know that.

00:45:35.000 This is how wild it is.

00:45:36.000 They would force so many of them off of cliffs that they would rot in a pile because they couldn't eat all of them.

00:45:40.000 They would rot in a pile and there would be so much bacteria and rot that they would spontaneously combust.

00:45:47.000 So most of these buffalo jumps, like when you would find at the bottom, they'd be charred, like charred cliffside because the piles of buffalo would literally burst and burst into flames.

00:46:01.000 How do you know all this stuff, Joe?

00:46:03.000 I smoke a lot of weed.

00:46:06.000 I smoke weed and I get into things.

00:46:08.000 That's why I can't play golf.

00:46:09.000 I know, I know.

00:46:09.000 You don't have time for golf.

00:46:10.000 Well, I can't play golf because I'd get obsessed.

00:46:13.000 Yeah, you would.

00:46:13.000 That's the problem.

00:46:14.000 You totally would.

00:46:15.000 Oh, I know.

00:46:15.000 And you'd get really good at it, like jiu-jitsu or whatever it is you know.

00:46:18.000 I would get obsessed.

00:46:20.000 Yeah.

00:46:20.000 I know I would.

00:46:21.000 Tony Hinchcliffe is obsessed now.

00:46:22.000 That poor bastard.

00:46:24.000 He's hooked.

00:46:24.000 I know.

00:46:25.000 He plays golf every day.

00:46:26.000 He sends me pictures.

00:46:26.000 I know, he's telling me.

00:46:28.000 I just played golf with, or just had a conversation with a guy named Pete that we all know.

00:46:33.000 Oh, yeah.

00:46:34.000 And he had just played golf that morning with Hinchcliffe, and he said he's horrible, but he's so into it that it doesn't even matter.

00:46:42.000 That's how he is with Poole.

00:46:44.000 Hinchcliffe is horrible at a lot of things that he's really into.

00:46:47.000 I think he's really funny, though.

00:46:51.000 I think he's a ballsy young comic.

00:46:53.000 Oh, he's one of the best up-and-coming comics in America.

00:46:56.000 I think so, too.

00:46:57.000 He came with me to Houston when we did that gig.

00:46:59.000 Oh, did he?

00:47:00.000 Yeah, he's fucking hilarious.

00:47:02.000 I think he's talking about moving to Austin.

00:47:03.000 He's kind of...

00:47:04.000 I'm dragging them on here, Ron White.

00:47:06.000 He said there's going to be no place to do stand-up, and I'm like, no, there is.

00:47:10.000 There is.

00:47:10.000 Joe's going to open a club, man.

00:47:12.000 I'm going to open up a club, 100%.

00:47:13.000 That's the plan.

00:47:14.000 There's a long-term plan.

00:47:16.000 There's a ranch and a club in those long-term plans.

00:47:18.000 And the club's gonna be on the ranch?

00:47:20.000 I don't know yet.

00:47:21.000 I haven't decided yet.

00:47:22.000 No.

00:47:23.000 No.

00:47:24.000 You gotta have a club where people can go to it.

00:47:26.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:47:26.000 They get in a car.

00:47:27.000 Go to the ranch.

00:47:28.000 No.

00:47:29.000 No.

00:47:30.000 I don't know if you're wrong.

00:47:31.000 You might be wrong.

00:47:32.000 I could not be wrong about this.

00:47:33.000 You might be wrong.

00:47:34.000 Location, location, location.

00:47:36.000 I don't know.

00:47:36.000 I don't know about that.

00:47:38.000 Barbecue and comedy?

00:47:40.000 Yeah, not just barbecue and comedy.

00:47:41.000 I mean like outdoor festivals.

00:47:43.000 I want to put in an amphitheater and do charity concerts.

00:47:46.000 Oh, wow.

00:47:46.000 Like legitimately.

00:47:47.000 Yeah, I think it all can be done.

00:47:48.000 Promote it on the podcast.

00:47:50.000 Have it for good will.

00:47:53.000 All the money goes to charity.

00:47:54.000 I forget about your platform and how many people it reaches.

00:47:58.000 I know the first time I did your podcast, I had no idea how big it was.

00:48:02.000 You just asked me to come do it.

00:48:03.000 And I was driving down there going, I can't believe I said I would do this.

00:48:06.000 And I had no idea.

00:48:08.000 And then I fucking hit a curb while I was pulling in and busted a tire.

00:48:12.000 And I'm like, God damn it.

00:48:14.000 And then it turns out it was the biggest thing I've ever done in my career was your podcast.

00:48:20.000 More people saw that than anything.

00:48:22.000 And I got more people coming up to me.

00:48:24.000 I saw you on Rogan.

00:48:25.000 I saw you on Rogan.

00:48:26.000 I'm like, God damn, how many people are watching this fucking thing?

00:48:29.000 I remember you grabbing at the comic store afterward.

00:48:30.000 You go, I had no fucking idea.

00:48:33.000 I had no idea.

00:48:33.000 No idea.

00:48:34.000 Nobody told me.

00:48:35.000 You know, you didn't tell me.

00:48:37.000 I just knew you had a podcast.

00:48:40.000 And it turned out, you know, it turned out to be a hell of a gig.

00:48:43.000 Well, the thing is, it seems like it's not, right?

00:48:45.000 Because it's just you and me here hanging out.

00:48:47.000 You know?

00:48:48.000 It seems like it's just us.

00:48:51.000 Yeah, right.

00:48:52.000 This is how we would do if we were the back bar of the comedy store.

00:48:55.000 Exactly the same thing.

00:48:56.000 And that's why when I watch it, You know, I watched one the other day with you and Whitney Cummings and...

00:49:02.000 Annie Letterman.

00:49:03.000 Yeah, and that was really good.

00:49:04.000 Those girls were awesome.

00:49:05.000 Oh, they were so funny.

00:49:06.000 Those girls were so funny.

00:49:08.000 Did I tell you about Whitney's pig?

00:49:12.000 Yes.

00:49:13.000 She drove it all the way to Texas to a fucking pig sanctuary.

00:49:16.000 And I met it.

00:49:16.000 Did you meet it?

00:49:18.000 Yeah.

00:49:19.000 You got pictures?

00:49:19.000 Oh, yeah.

00:49:21.000 Yeah.

00:49:23.000 To the pig sanctuary.

00:49:24.000 So what happened was we were going to do...

00:49:27.000 I was talking to Jay McGraw, and we were thinking about doing...

00:49:31.000 Jay's moving down here.

00:49:33.000 Huh?

00:49:34.000 Jay's moving down here.

00:49:34.000 I know, you know, I don't believe it.

00:49:37.000 He already bought a house.

00:49:38.000 Oh, he didn't tell me that.

00:49:40.000 Yeah, he got a house on Luke Travis.

00:49:41.000 Oh, no, he did tell me that on Travis, right.

00:49:43.000 Oh, shit.

00:49:43.000 Yeah.

00:49:45.000 Ron White, we're bringing them all out here.

00:49:46.000 Right, come on out.

00:49:47.000 Come on!

00:49:48.000 Bang the drums, put up the bat signal.

00:49:51.000 I told somebody the other day, he said, why is Rogan moving out here?

00:49:56.000 And I said, well, because I moved out here and he started crying.

00:50:00.000 He was like, what am I going to do without Ron White?

00:50:03.000 And I'm like, just come on out here, Joe.

00:50:05.000 It'll be great.

00:50:06.000 It'll be fine.

00:50:06.000 Well, you did say that.

00:50:07.000 You did say that.

00:50:08.000 And I wiped a tear from your eye with a little tissue, and then you just...

00:50:12.000 You used that bandana you have wrapped around your neck.

00:50:14.000 Right.

00:50:14.000 Just to dry your tears and tell you there's hope for your future, Joe.

00:50:19.000 But you were talking about it in glowing terms, and that's not a small part of why I'm here.

00:50:23.000 There's several people that talked about it in such glowing terms.

00:50:27.000 And when the looting hit, that was the big wake-up call for me.

00:50:31.000 I was like, okay, I see what's going on here.

00:50:34.000 I either can have armed guards everywhere, which I already had, at the studio, but it felt weird.

00:50:44.000 L.A. feels unmanageable.

00:50:46.000 It feels like it's out of control and that Garcetti guy's not handling it well.

00:50:50.000 No, I don't think so.

00:50:51.000 No, it's a fucking disaster.

00:50:52.000 And there's more tents now than I've ever seen in any REI convention.

00:50:55.000 Everywhere you go, everyone's camping.

00:50:58.000 You know, it's like the streets are filled with people that got evicted from their houses or lost their jobs or don't have any money for anything.

00:51:03.000 And it's just way too many folks.

00:51:07.000 Way too many folks and not enough people working.

00:51:10.000 And it just seems dangerous.

00:51:12.000 Right.

00:51:12.000 Well, the climate's so good that if I was going to be, you know, if I had no home, I would want to live in Southern California and be homeless there.

00:51:22.000 The guys who haven't made it is those mobile home dudes that drive around those shitty mobile houses.

00:51:27.000 Right.

00:51:27.000 Because, I mean, basically, you park it and there's your house.

00:51:29.000 I mean, you've got a roof, you've got a door.

00:51:30.000 Until they make you move, then you move and park it there.

00:51:33.000 Yeah, but I mean, they're not even making people move that much anymore.

00:51:36.000 After COVID, everything...

00:51:38.000 After this whole George Floyd thing and the attacks on the police officers, there's very few things they're enforcing that they used to enforce.

00:51:45.000 They used to kick where our old studio was, they used to kick them off the streets.

00:51:49.000 They used to not let them park in the street.

00:51:51.000 Now they're all over the streets.

00:51:52.000 You'll go down one of the side streets in the valley and you'll see 15, Van Nuys area, you'll see like 15 of them in a row, 20 in a row.

00:52:01.000 It's basically villages of people that are living out of their mobile homes.

00:52:06.000 And most of them, they barely can drive.

00:52:08.000 You know, there's a lot of them that are just all fucked up.

00:52:11.000 We thought someone was shooting in front of our house.

00:52:14.000 We thought guns were going out, in front of the studio, rather.

00:52:17.000 And the security guys go out there, and it's just one of those guys trying to start up his truck.

00:52:22.000 And it's backfiring.

00:52:23.000 Bang!

00:52:24.000 Bang!

00:52:24.000 I mean, really loud.

00:52:26.000 Like, we were like, oh shit, it's going down.

00:52:28.000 Right out front.

00:52:30.000 No, just a dude trying to move.

00:52:33.000 Yeah, I figured when I felt like I needed to hire an armed guard to protect my home there, which turned out it wouldn't have mattered.

00:52:43.000 Probably didn't.

00:52:44.000 Yeah, probably didn't matter.

00:52:47.000 But I was that worried about it, you know, just that I'm going to go ahead and put somebody up there.

00:52:52.000 And I felt kind of, you know, odd about doing that, because I figure if somebody paid me, To guard their house.

00:52:59.000 Once people started coming at me, I would just find another job, right?

00:53:03.000 I would move on down the road and do something else for a living.

00:53:06.000 You need more than one guy.

00:53:07.000 Right.

00:53:08.000 Well, there were actually two because my manager lives on that street, too.

00:53:11.000 So he had one and I had one.

00:53:14.000 But they never got, you know, it's pretty high up there, so they just never got that high.

00:53:19.000 You know, it was down in the flats, there were some problems.

00:53:21.000 The thing is, once things start happening, and you didn't start it, but you're doing it, like looting.

00:53:28.000 Like, it takes a lot to get people to smash, get someone to smash a window, run into a store, and steal things.

00:53:35.000 It takes a lot.

00:53:35.000 But once someone's smashed the window, and there's three people in there stealing things, it's not that hard to run in there.

00:53:41.000 Right.

00:53:42.000 That's what the problem with my mentality is.

00:53:43.000 Once things start happening, it seems normal.

00:53:46.000 They get this butthead momentum going and you can't fucking stop it.

00:53:49.000 It's very hard to stop.

00:53:51.000 And once the genie's out of the bottle, like it is in LA, when they lit those cop cars on fire and smashed all those streets on Melrose and all the way down Hollywood Boulevard and just robbed all those stores, I was like, oh, you're not doing anything about this?

00:54:04.000 No cops are stopping this.

00:54:06.000 The strategy was to let them burn themselves out.

00:54:10.000 I'm like, well, you've just set a precedent and it's going to take years to turn this battleship around.

00:54:16.000 It's kind of what they were going for there.

00:54:18.000 Eventually, it'll all be okay.

00:54:21.000 I was shocked.

00:54:23.000 I've been in a state of shock and somewhat depressed.

00:54:29.000 About the state of the nation, you know, and the world that we live in and what's the answer to all this?

00:54:35.000 You know, is there an answer to all this?

00:54:38.000 And it has affected me emotionally and not just...

00:54:44.000 Certainly not because of what's happened to me.

00:54:47.000 It's just my fear of what's happening to everybody else because I know I'm okay.

00:54:51.000 And I'm in a great position to weather the storm.

00:54:57.000 But that's one of the reasons why you're okay.

00:55:00.000 The real danger is when the economic situation deteriorates We're good to go.

00:55:29.000 COVID and the lockdown has put people into this unmanageable situation where they really don't have any light at the end of the tunnel.

00:55:34.000 They don't know what to do.

00:55:36.000 That's dangerous.

00:55:37.000 And so that's where you realize how much economic prosperity is attached to a civilized society.

00:55:42.000 If everybody's doing well, everybody's fine.

00:55:45.000 But as soon as people aren't doing well, there's more danger.

00:55:49.000 There's more crime.

00:55:50.000 There's more, you know...

00:55:52.000 I don't know how that turns around when all these businesses go under and then people have, what are they going to do, start new businesses?

00:55:59.000 No.

00:55:59.000 Like how much government money has to be- Just the number of restaurants that we lost in Austin that'll never come back.

00:56:04.000 And small, but not just restaurants, that's the one I feel because I go out to eat every meal.

00:56:09.000 But I know that these mom and pop shops We're not prepared for this in any way, shape, or form.

00:56:16.000 And they hung on for a minute and they're gone.

00:56:19.000 And will they ever come back?

00:56:21.000 You know, you hope so.

00:56:24.000 But you wonder how.

00:56:27.000 Well, Austin, at least they're letting these people stay open with limited capacity and make people wear masks.

00:56:33.000 In L.A., you can't do anything.

00:56:36.000 I mean, L.A. is the one place in the whole country where you can't Open a beauty salon.

00:56:42.000 All these hairdressers and barbershops are fucked.

00:56:44.000 Right.

00:56:45.000 They've been closed for six months.

00:56:46.000 Did you see that Nancy Pelosi shit?

00:56:48.000 Did you see that?

00:56:49.000 I did.

00:56:50.000 How fucking crazy is that lady?

00:56:52.000 She, without wearing a mask, I mean, you want to talk about a hypocrite.

00:56:58.000 All the beauty salons are locked down.

00:57:00.000 She went into the beauty salon with no mask, wandering around, got a blowout when no one else could even go to the beauty salon.

00:57:07.000 They caught her on security camera.

00:57:10.000 They uploaded it, and you know what she said?

00:57:12.000 It's a setup.

00:57:13.000 She said it was a setup.

00:57:14.000 Right.

00:57:15.000 Like, they set her up.

00:57:16.000 Like, you know the fucker.

00:57:18.000 I don't even have any hair, and I know you can't go to a beauty salon.

00:57:22.000 Right.

00:57:23.000 It doesn't apply to you, Joe.

00:57:25.000 Literally.

00:57:26.000 Literally doesn't apply to me at all.

00:57:27.000 And I know the fucking rules.

00:57:29.000 She's the Speaker of the House.

00:57:30.000 You're telling me you don't know the rules in your district in San Francisco?

00:57:33.000 You don't know the rules?

00:57:34.000 Of course you know the rules.

00:57:36.000 Of course you do.

00:57:36.000 It's so slippery.

00:57:37.000 That lady handed Trump a giant gift.

00:57:41.000 Yeah, it was almost like when Hillary called the supporters a basket of deplorables.

00:57:48.000 I'm like, you just handed a man that had a baton a bat to hit you with.

00:57:53.000 And not a regular one.

00:57:55.000 That's just stupid.

00:57:55.000 One of the ones with the barbed wire wrapped around it like the dude had a walking dead.

00:58:01.000 The minute I heard that, I was like, oh, God.

00:58:04.000 I thought you were supposed to be smart.

00:58:06.000 She's not smart.

00:58:07.000 She's just a politician.

00:58:08.000 She's just greasy.

00:58:08.000 They've just been doing it long enough so they know the moves to do and the right steps.

00:58:13.000 They're all gross.

00:58:15.000 There's no getting around it.

00:58:16.000 You can't survive in that business if you're not gross.

00:58:21.000 That's how you get there.

00:58:22.000 That's how you stay there.

00:58:23.000 And they feed off of the fact that they have control.

00:58:27.000 They feed off of the fact that they have power over other people.

00:58:30.000 They have more power than anyone else.

00:58:31.000 And that's one of the reasons why she would do something like that.

00:58:34.000 You tell me she can't get someone to come to her house and wear a mask and give her a blowout?

00:58:37.000 She's worth $100 million.

00:58:39.000 Of course she can do that.

00:58:41.000 But she's like, I'm going to walk right in there and they're going to do it for me.

00:58:45.000 I'm not going to wear a mask.

00:58:47.000 Right.

00:58:47.000 I've never washed my own hair.

00:58:48.000 She's going to stroll right in there like she owns the joint.

00:58:51.000 It's just like when you see politicians being hypocritical, like that lady in Chicago, the mayor of Chicago, she's like, you know, talking up these people in these peaceful protests and everything's fine.

00:59:03.000 But then they tried protesting on her block.

00:59:05.000 She set up fucking armed guards.

00:59:07.000 She said, made a mandate.

00:59:09.000 You can't, I don't know, a mandate.

00:59:11.000 She just said you can't protest on her street.

00:59:13.000 Right.

00:59:14.000 I have a right to protect my own safety.

00:59:16.000 Like, bitch, that's what everybody's trying to do.

00:59:19.000 Right.

00:59:19.000 That's what we're into.

00:59:20.000 That's what we're doing in here.

00:59:21.000 That's what we're doing!

00:59:22.000 But that's what people feel when they get into a position of power.

00:59:25.000 That's the problem with power.

00:59:26.000 That's the problem with whether it's Garcetti or Newsom or anybody dictating any of these rules.

00:59:31.000 When someone gets into a position of power, it's fucking intoxicating.

00:59:35.000 The ability to tell people you can't work, shut it down, start it up, shut it down, it's intoxicating.

00:59:42.000 And once you have some power, boy, it's very difficult to give that power up.

00:59:46.000 I anticipate that even if they figure out a real cure for coronavirus, I anticipate lockdowns now for flu, I think there's going to be lockdowns for all sorts of diseases that kill a certain amount of people.

01:00:00.000 I might be wrong, but you could see it happening.

01:00:04.000 You could see it happening because they've set a precedent for them having the ability to dictate whether or not people work and whether or not people are allowed to move freely and do whatever they want.

01:00:13.000 Because that's what happens when people have power.

01:00:15.000 It's a fucking dangerous intoxicant.

01:00:17.000 Well, I believe you're right about that.

01:00:23.000 It's dizzying how sexy power is and how sexy you feel when you have it.

01:00:33.000 But I don't think, you know, I think we find a vaccine and we move on.

01:00:40.000 Or the aliens land.

01:00:42.000 I've been thinking the aliens are coming.

01:00:43.000 You know, I was talking to a buddy of mine the other day, another billionaire.

01:00:49.000 I've got a few billionaire buddies.

01:00:50.000 Look at you.

01:00:51.000 It's a good move.

01:00:52.000 I know, really.

01:00:53.000 I think I'm sucking up to them for a reason.

01:00:55.000 They'll tell you in advance what's about to happen.

01:00:58.000 Well, this one, this guy, a particular guy, is...

01:01:05.000 Really, really, really smart.

01:01:07.000 And he has no doubt in his mind whatsoever that aliens are dancing among us.

01:01:16.000 I think he's right.

01:01:17.000 Pass me the little baby cigars, Ron White.

01:01:20.000 I love those things.

01:01:21.000 The white one or the dark one?

01:01:22.000 Are there different colors?

01:01:23.000 Well, there's this one.

01:01:24.000 Oh, that's not a cigar.

01:01:26.000 I know what the fuck that is.

01:01:27.000 That's a CDB that we were talking about earlier.

01:01:31.000 Give me some of that light.

01:01:33.000 Thank you, sir.

01:01:34.000 Yeah, I'm convinced.

01:01:40.000 I'm 100% convinced.

01:01:42.000 I used to be 60%.

01:01:45.000 And you were up to 100?

01:01:47.000 Yeah, I talked to Commander Fravor, David Fravor.

01:01:51.000 At one time in my life, I could do 75 push-ups, and I'm down to three.

01:01:56.000 You can get back up to 75. I'll show you how.

01:01:58.000 All right.

01:02:00.000 You got nothing else to do.

01:02:06.000 I've talked to people that have seen them.

01:02:07.000 I've talked to this one guy who is a pilot in the...

01:02:10.000 Is he the Air Force or Navy?

01:02:13.000 Navy pilot, I believe.

01:02:14.000 Commander Fravor is in the Navy.

01:02:15.000 And he encountered this thing that they call the Tic Tac UFO. This is an object that they tracked on radar that went from 60,000 feet to one foot above sea level in less than a second.

01:02:28.000 They don't know how fast it did it because it was literally a blip in the radar.

01:02:31.000 It went from 60,000 feet down to one feet.

01:02:34.000 They have no idea how fast it moved.

01:02:36.000 They have no idea how it did it.

01:02:37.000 It shows no signs of propulsion.

01:02:39.000 There's no heat, no exhaust signature.

01:02:42.000 There's nothing that has any indication that it's acting in any way like in any propulsion system that we've ever observed before.

01:02:52.000 Yeah, John was telling me to watch a show called Close Encounters.

01:02:57.000 That's it, Jamie.

01:02:58.000 You just nailed it.

01:02:58.000 Whatever it was, you just found it.

01:03:00.000 You just did it.

01:03:01.000 Oh, it's back again.

01:03:02.000 Okay.

01:03:03.000 There's a little, folks, if you hear, there's a little hum.

01:03:07.000 There's a little strange audio hum that Jamie's trying to track down.

01:03:11.000 I think it's aliens.

01:03:12.000 We'll get this worked out.

01:03:13.000 Yeah.

01:03:14.000 We'll get it worked out.

01:03:14.000 I don't think anybody's going to care.

01:03:16.000 They might.

01:03:18.000 I don't think so.

01:03:21.000 If I had to give you a percentage of whether or not aliens are real, what's the percentage for you?

01:03:28.000 81.3.

01:03:31.000 That's a good number.

01:03:32.000 81.3.

01:03:32.000 That's likely.

01:03:34.000 Yeah, likely.

01:03:35.000 I mean, how could it not be?

01:03:37.000 How could it not be?

01:03:41.000 I really don't even...

01:03:43.000 It was kind of odd that he and I were talking about it, but he has a...

01:03:47.000 Really nice plane.

01:03:48.000 And he lives in Malibu and Austin.

01:03:50.000 And so every time he moves from one city to the other, it happens to fit my schedule exactly right.

01:03:56.000 So I'm like, that's weird.

01:03:58.000 I was going to Beverly Hills today.

01:04:01.000 How about I hop on the plane?

01:04:02.000 Run!

01:04:03.000 I'm on it by myself.

01:04:04.000 Come on, let's go.

01:04:06.000 Nice.

01:04:06.000 So when he pops back down to Austin, even if it's just for a couple of days, you know, I hop on.

01:04:12.000 And I really enjoy this guy's mind.

01:04:15.000 And I consider him a mentor in business and life.

01:04:18.000 I know who you're talking about.

01:04:19.000 Yeah, John Paul DeGiorgio.

01:04:21.000 But he just started talking about it.

01:04:23.000 I hear nothing but good things about that guy.

01:04:25.000 God, he's the best.

01:04:25.000 I hear he's a fascinating dude.

01:04:27.000 Oh, yeah.

01:04:28.000 You know, if he would do your podcast...

01:04:30.000 Do you think he'd do it?

01:04:31.000 I think he would.

01:04:31.000 I would love to have him on.

01:04:33.000 You know, he's a guy that started selling shampoo out of the trunk of his car, you know, and sold Patron, I think, last year for $5.1 billion and still...

01:04:48.000 He owns 60 other companies, including Paul Mitchell, which he started.

01:04:53.000 Here's the thing.

01:04:54.000 At what point do you stop working when you're that guy?

01:04:57.000 Never.

01:04:58.000 He never wants to stop.

01:04:59.000 He never considers stopping.

01:05:00.000 I was so shocked when he sold Patron because I just didn't think he ever would, you know, because he doesn't need to sell it.

01:05:09.000 But for whatever reason, he did.

01:05:13.000 And in fact, I said something that made him laugh really hard because he told me about it.

01:05:16.000 He called me and told me.

01:05:17.000 So I sold it to Bacardi for $5.1 billion.

01:05:20.000 And I said, well, that sounds like a lot of money, but it sounds like more money when you realize the.1 is $100 million.

01:05:28.000 That's like the biggest.1 there is, right?

01:05:31.000 There is no.1 trillion.

01:05:34.000 That doesn't even exist.

01:05:35.000 It's.1 billion.

01:05:37.000 But he said that to watch a show, which I never watched because I think he got an advanced copy of it, which was Close Encounters of the Fifth Kind is what it's called.

01:05:48.000 And I looked it up and it was coming on something, but it hadn't been on yet.

01:05:52.000 So I think he just got an advanced copy of it.

01:05:55.000 And he said that it'll take every single doubt out of your mind that's ever been there.

01:05:58.000 Wait a minute.

01:05:59.000 Isn't that a Stephen Greer movie?

01:06:01.000 Ah, no.

01:06:02.000 That's Close Encounters of the Third Kind.

01:06:04.000 No, no, no.

01:06:05.000 That's Steven Spielberg.

01:06:06.000 Oh, yeah.

01:06:06.000 Okay.

01:06:06.000 Steven somebody.

01:06:07.000 Steven Greer's a guy we had on the podcast before.

01:06:09.000 Oh, that wrote the...

01:06:10.000 Yeah, he's a...

01:06:11.000 No, he's a ufologist.

01:06:14.000 Air quotes.

01:06:16.000 Okay.

01:06:16.000 Sideways face.

01:06:17.000 Right.

01:06:18.000 Skeptical hippo face.

01:06:19.000 Right.

01:06:19.000 Okay.

01:06:20.000 Blank monocle.

01:06:22.000 There's a lot of fuckery in that UFO world.

01:06:25.000 There's a lot of people that are making documentaries and a lot of people that are...

01:06:28.000 There's a real good one, though, about Bob Lazar called Bob Lazar UFOs in Area 51. I think that's exactly the title of it, but it's by my friend Jeremy Korbel.

01:06:40.000 And it's about this guy who was a physicist who worked at Area S4 in the Nevada desert.

01:06:46.000 Right.

01:06:47.000 Back engineering this craft that the government had recovered.

01:06:51.000 And immediately, upon working there, realized, like, what in the fuck is this?

01:06:55.000 Like, right away knew that this was no technology that we had currently available.

01:07:00.000 I mean, this guy was a physicist, a nuclear physicist at Los Alamos Labs.

01:07:04.000 Right.

01:07:04.000 Worked on weapon systems and shit.

01:07:06.000 Right, yeah.

01:07:06.000 Would know.

01:07:07.000 And got there and was like, what?

01:07:09.000 What are you guys doing?

01:07:10.000 What is this?

01:07:26.000 Was that they used this element called element 115 that wasn't even proven to actually exist until I think it was 2013. They proved that it exists in a particle collider.

01:07:41.000 But this guy was talking about in 1989 and he said that they had a stable supply.

01:07:46.000 Is that your phone that keeps doing that?

01:07:47.000 I'm sorry.

01:07:49.000 Maybe that's the whole problem.

01:07:51.000 That's UFOs.

01:07:54.000 But this documentary is fascinating because the propulsion system that he's describing is exactly the same that Commander Fravor had described in the TikTok UFO that they found off of...

01:08:08.000 You just gotta shut it so it doesn't make noise.

01:08:10.000 I just turned it off.

01:08:11.000 Did you?

01:08:12.000 Nobody needs me.

01:08:14.000 They do.

01:08:14.000 I need you.

01:08:15.000 I'm irrelevant, dude.

01:08:16.000 You're not irrelevant.

01:08:17.000 No, no, no, no, no.

01:08:18.000 Stop saying that.

01:08:20.000 Anyway, the propulsion system that he described in 1989 is exactly the same propulsion system that they witnessed this TikTok UFO using in 2007 or whatever it was that David Fravor had seen this thing off the coast of San Diego.

01:08:36.000 So, what those people that...

01:08:39.000 Saw these crafts that were monitoring them in the military.

01:08:42.000 They were saying they see these like every few months.

01:08:45.000 They see these things.

01:08:46.000 They don't know what the fuck they are.

01:08:47.000 They don't know what to do.

01:08:48.000 They scramble jets to go watch them.

01:08:49.000 They actively block their tracking systems.

01:08:53.000 And then they disappear faster than you can look at it.

01:08:56.000 Just take off.

01:08:57.000 They have no idea what they are.

01:08:58.000 They don't know where they're from.

01:08:59.000 They don't know what they're doing.

01:09:00.000 And then the Pentagon recently has come forth and released these statements.

01:09:05.000 And one of them being that they've recovered crafts that are not of this world.

01:09:10.000 86.6.

01:09:12.000 I'm up to 86.6.

01:09:13.000 Pass that letter.

01:09:15.000 My little cigarillo went out of...

01:09:17.000 Oh no, it dropped some...

01:09:19.000 Dirty tobacco juice in this fucking thing.

01:09:22.000 I'm going to scoop that bad boy out of there.

01:09:24.000 I'm going to keep drinking.

01:09:26.000 But I'm in, dude.

01:09:28.000 I'm like 95%.

01:09:29.000 You're down from 100, and I'm up to 86. I listen to my own bullshit, and I go, dude, stop.

01:09:36.000 Stop.

01:09:37.000 I'm going to drink this with the ashes.

01:09:39.000 I don't give a fuck.

01:09:39.000 I've got to turn my phone back on, because I've got to show you.

01:09:42.000 What are you going to show me?

01:09:43.000 The pig.

01:09:44.000 UFOs?

01:09:44.000 No, the pig.

01:09:45.000 The pig.

01:09:47.000 Whitney Cummings pig?

01:09:48.000 Whitney Cummings pig.

01:09:50.000 I mean, there's no way you could possibly...

01:09:52.000 There it is.

01:09:52.000 It's right there.

01:09:54.000 Kapow.

01:09:55.000 There it is.

01:09:56.000 Yeah, that's it.

01:09:56.000 That's Whitney Cummings' pig.

01:09:58.000 She was the first person to explain to me that those miniature pigs were not real.

01:10:01.000 No, right.

01:10:02.000 That's proof right there, right?

01:10:04.000 How little is that pig?

01:10:05.000 Well, they think they're miniature pigs because they starve them.

01:10:08.000 So people buy this little tiny pig.

01:10:09.000 They go, oh, this is a miniature, it's a teacup pig.

01:10:11.000 And I go, oh, great.

01:10:12.000 Who wouldn't want a fat, you know?

01:10:13.000 Yeah, you feed it.

01:10:15.000 Right.

01:10:15.000 And it grows to be, you know.

01:10:17.000 Alex Ramundo bought three of them.

01:10:19.000 And he did.

01:10:20.000 He lived up in Palmdale.

01:10:24.000 And eventually they just got out.

01:10:26.000 And then every once in a while you'd see them.

01:10:27.000 Now they have tusks and they weigh 450 pounds.

01:10:31.000 So this place...

01:10:33.000 Do they recognize him?

01:10:34.000 Let's finish the story we were on.

01:10:37.000 Which story?

01:10:38.000 The UFO park?

01:10:39.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:10:39.000 And then go back into the pigs.

01:10:41.000 The Bob Lazar documentary is a must-see.

01:10:43.000 I'm directing it.

01:10:44.000 You should see it.

01:10:45.000 Direct away.

01:10:46.000 I love you.

01:10:46.000 Do whatever you want.

01:10:48.000 But the Bob Lazar documentary is a must-see.

01:10:50.000 If you're curious and on the fence about UFOs.

01:10:52.000 And I had that guy in here.

01:10:53.000 I talked to him.

01:10:54.000 He gave one of the first interviews that he's given in a long fucking time.

01:10:58.000 And I picked his brain for hours.

01:11:00.000 I'll go back and listen to it.

01:11:02.000 He didn't seem like a bullshit artist to me.

01:11:04.000 There's some weird parts of it, but there's always going to be weird parts when you're talking about literally back-engineering something that someone from another planet invented and using some technology that we don't understand.

01:11:17.000 And one of the analogies that he had was imagine if you brought a nuclear reactor to the 1400s and introduced it to them.

01:11:23.000 Which 1400s is nothing, 600 years ago.

01:11:25.000 Right.

01:11:26.000 In terms of the age of the universe, it's not even a blink of an eye.

01:11:29.000 I think we could just go back to 1800s.

01:11:31.000 1800s.

01:11:31.000 Show them a nuclear reactor.

01:11:32.000 And I'm going to be pretty surprised about a nuclear reactor.

01:11:35.000 Let's go to 1936. Yeah, right, right.

01:11:37.000 Show them a nuclear reactor.

01:11:39.000 That was his analogy.

01:11:40.000 Yeah, I get it.

01:11:41.000 Like this technology, it is technology.

01:11:44.000 It's clear that they figured out how to manipulate this element and use it to bend gravity.

01:11:50.000 And that's the propulsion system.

01:11:52.000 Instead of using something that pushes, like a fire that pushes against the wind and pushes you in a certain direction, or a propeller that pulls you into a certain direction, instead of that, it bends gravity.

01:12:04.000 The way he described it, it's like if you put a massively heavy bowling ball in the center of a bed, right, and it just sunk everything into the bed, that's basically like a very crude description of what this element does.

01:12:19.000 And with this reactor that they have on these spaceships, that it literally bends gravity around and allows you to just instantaneously jettison that ship into another position in the universe.

01:12:32.000 I'd say, stop, Joe, I'm getting a bloodletting.

01:12:35.000 They're draining my blood into a bowl to cure something that I think I've got.

01:12:41.000 What'd you say again?

01:12:43.000 Yeah.

01:12:44.000 I think they've been here forever.

01:12:46.000 I think they've been coming down here and observing us and waiting.

01:12:50.000 And it also coincides with there's a giant jump in sightings right after the Manhattan Project.

01:12:56.000 Right.

01:12:57.000 So right after we started blowing up bombs, they were like, hey, hey, hey, these fucking monkeys have figured out some shit.

01:13:03.000 Let's go visit them again.

01:13:05.000 They probably got a, you know, probably got a news wire.

01:13:09.000 They probably got a Google News alert on their phones.

01:13:13.000 They're like, oh Christ, look at these things.

01:13:16.000 Look at these crazy monkeys.

01:13:17.000 What have they done?

01:13:18.000 What have they done?

01:13:19.000 Okay, 91. I'm up to 91. What are you down to?

01:13:22.000 I'm down to 50%.

01:13:23.000 I'm worried about things.

01:13:27.000 I'm going to try to pull you out of it.

01:13:28.000 I'm always worried about things that I want to believe.

01:13:30.000 If I want to believe it, I'm always skeptical.

01:13:32.000 Right, me too.

01:13:33.000 I don't want to fuck up here.

01:13:35.000 Delicious tequila with ashes.

01:13:38.000 Freshie there, Villa.

01:13:40.000 Thank you.

01:13:42.000 Oh, you're going to rinse?

01:13:43.000 I'm over here doing the dishes.

01:13:44.000 Oh, a little rinse.

01:13:46.000 I mean...

01:13:47.000 This is the job I've been looking for right here.

01:13:50.000 Maid service at Joe Rose's podcast.

01:13:52.000 The only reason why I don't believe 100% all the time is because I know I want to believe 100%.

01:13:56.000 So I think that I'm full of shit.

01:13:58.000 Thank you, sir.

01:14:00.000 I'm worried about my own desire to believe.

01:14:04.000 All right.

01:14:05.000 Because when you want to believe something...

01:14:06.000 You can.

01:14:07.000 It's easier to do, right?

01:14:08.000 Yeah, you can convince yourself of shit that's not accurate.

01:14:11.000 It's tricky.

01:14:12.000 Right.

01:14:12.000 Like, you know, many things.

01:14:15.000 You know, I was wondering...

01:14:19.000 How Trump got evangelicals to support him, and then I read the stories about Falwell Jr., and I'm like, that all makes sense now.

01:14:29.000 Falwell Jr. was going, you know what, I don't see anything wrong with any of it.

01:14:35.000 And then he told that to the rest of the guys, and then, oh, was I laughing so hard.

01:14:42.000 You know, my parents used to take me to see, God, who, what's his name?

01:14:48.000 Jimmy Swagger?

01:14:49.000 Swagger, yeah, Swagger.

01:14:50.000 Remember when he got busted?

01:14:51.000 Oh, yeah.

01:14:53.000 And I'm like, I am the straightest human being sexually in the world.

01:15:03.000 Compared to these guys, but when this happened, I laughed so hard because I just started thinking about him patting Trump on his shoulder and going, hey, you know what, I get it, I get it.

01:15:15.000 Hey, it's Liberty University.

01:15:16.000 Right.

01:15:17.000 You want freedom.

01:15:18.000 And I was just searching for all that information, and then it got to the point where he admitted that his wife had an affair with a pool boy.

01:15:25.000 That's right, out of a magazine.

01:15:27.000 That's not even true, you know, but it is true.

01:15:31.000 And then he goes, but I wasn't there watching.

01:15:34.000 And I'm like, I already don't believe you.

01:15:39.000 I already don't believe you.

01:15:42.000 And so it says, my wife had an affair, but I wasn't there watching.

01:15:45.000 I'm like, wait.

01:15:47.000 What was that?

01:15:49.000 What the fuck just happened?

01:15:50.000 What did you say?

01:15:52.000 You weren't there watching?

01:15:53.000 Okay.

01:15:54.000 Okay.

01:15:55.000 I did not fuck that guy's pig.

01:15:57.000 I didn't do it.

01:15:58.000 What?

01:15:59.000 Why'd you even bring it up?

01:16:00.000 What are you talking about, man?

01:16:02.000 Where's that from?

01:16:04.000 I already don't believe.

01:16:07.000 I think they're all freaks.

01:16:08.000 Yeah, I do too.

01:16:09.000 I mean, all the evangelicals that make all that money, there's no way they just...

01:16:14.000 Power.

01:16:14.000 Yeah.

01:16:15.000 Power, right?

01:16:15.000 There's no way they just stop at the money.

01:16:17.000 I used to do stand-up comedy in the Sheraton Sand Key Hotel in Clearwater, Florida, which is the same hotel where Jessica Hahn...

01:16:26.000 Fuck Jim Baker.

01:16:28.000 In the presidential suite up there.

01:16:31.000 Oh, man.

01:16:33.000 It's the same story, right?

01:16:35.000 It's always the same story.

01:16:36.000 And then Kinnison ended up fucking her, right?

01:16:39.000 Yes.

01:16:39.000 What goes around comes around.

01:16:41.000 When she was on...

01:16:43.000 Kinnison and her were on Stern together.

01:16:46.000 I think she called in when Kinnison was there and she was calling him a fucking loser.

01:16:49.000 He's like, you're a whore!

01:16:51.000 Yeah, I remember.

01:16:52.000 Terrible.

01:16:53.000 I remember.

01:16:54.000 It was so terrible.

01:16:54.000 But the fact that she went from being this lady who fucked this famous preacher to being this quasi-celebrity.

01:17:02.000 And this was before reality TV. We've got to remember, back in those days, there was only a few of those weird pseudo-celebrities.

01:17:09.000 Right.

01:17:09.000 So maybe the beginning of reality TV. Yeah, in a way.

01:17:14.000 Yeah, in a way, that was the beginning.

01:17:16.000 Well, you know Tammy Faye wasn't blowing him right.

01:17:19.000 Probably not anymore.

01:17:20.000 She probably had it to get to the dance.

01:17:23.000 But she lost interest in it.

01:17:24.000 Once she was in, she had the eyelashes.

01:17:26.000 Yeah, it kind of stunk one day and she got afraid of it.

01:17:29.000 Didn't she die from Diet Coke?

01:17:32.000 I think she's one of them people that they go, man, maybe.

01:17:36.000 I think she drank like a hundred Diet Cokes a day.

01:17:38.000 Like a week ago, I was in...

01:17:40.000 What is this?

01:17:41.000 It's like I hooked up with this girl.

01:17:43.000 What does it say?

01:17:44.000 Jerry Falwell Jr. allegedly caught on tape warning pool boy not to make wife jealous.

01:17:50.000 What?

01:17:51.000 This is the one I thought you guys were talking about.

01:17:52.000 Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:17:54.000 Yeah, that handsome fella.

01:17:55.000 That young boy.

01:17:56.000 Apparently he would watch.

01:17:58.000 The young fella would say that Jerry Jr. would sit in the corner and watch.

01:18:03.000 But imagine if you're your dad.

01:18:04.000 There was a point in my life, well, I would have watched her fuck him if I was bored.

01:18:07.000 Yeah, you have to be real bored.

01:18:10.000 Well, for that one.

01:18:11.000 Yeah, I mean, you have to be real bored.

01:18:14.000 Unless, I mean, unless you're like, unless you are trying to really corrupt your wife, you're like, I know what I'm going to do.

01:18:23.000 I'm going to get some guy to fuck her in front of me, and that bitch can't say shit.

01:18:27.000 Right.

01:18:27.000 From now on, I can do all kinds of wild stuff.

01:18:30.000 Like, I watched the pool guy fuck you.

01:18:32.000 I was in the, I had my arms crossed.

01:18:34.000 I got pictures on my cell phone.

01:18:37.000 I was watching you suck his dick like this.

01:18:43.000 I mean, if you really want to corrupt someone to the point where they've got to leave you alone with all your deviants...

01:18:49.000 That would be one way to do it.

01:18:50.000 That's probably the best way.

01:18:51.000 If you're a woman, because a woman cheating on a man, for whatever reason, seems more scandalous than a man cheating on a woman in general.

01:19:03.000 And then on top of that, I don't know why it seems more scandalous, but it does.

01:19:08.000 Easy, Joe.

01:19:08.000 Because it seems like men cheating, it's all dependent upon the person.

01:19:14.000 It's all on the individual, but it's scandalous because it's more scandalous because the man's letting her.

01:19:20.000 Like, there's more threesomes, and I'm just pulling this number out of my hat, but I think there's more threesomes that involve the wife or the girlfriend bringing in another woman.

01:19:30.000 Right.

01:19:31.000 Than ever than a guy bringing in another guy.

01:19:34.000 Dude, right, right.

01:19:34.000 Like, hey, you know, I love my wife, but she wants...

01:19:37.000 Hey, Bob, she wants you to fuck her.

01:19:39.000 So I'm going to watch.

01:19:40.000 That's probably way more rare.

01:19:42.000 Probably way, way, way, way more rare.

01:19:45.000 Because I have multiple friends that have had their girlfriend or their wives bring home other gals.

01:19:51.000 It seems normal.

01:19:53.000 Yeah, I had a friend that...

01:19:55.000 Fran, whatever, but the first time I met him, I was playing golf with him.

01:19:59.000 And he showed me a video fucking tape of his wife getting banged by a really attractive, huge black guy.

01:20:07.000 And he didn't even know me.

01:20:09.000 And he goes, look at this.

01:20:10.000 He handed me the camera.

01:20:11.000 That's my wife.

01:20:12.000 That's my wife.

01:20:13.000 And I'm like...

01:20:14.000 That's my April.

01:20:15.000 Hey, all right.

01:20:16.000 Well...

01:20:17.000 Can I get a check, please?

01:20:19.000 I'm going to have to go.

01:20:21.000 Yeah, that's a guy who's establishing some very loose boundaries.

01:20:23.000 Right.

01:20:24.000 Very, very loose.

01:20:25.000 Very loose.

01:20:25.000 For himself, too.

01:20:26.000 But for your friendship.

01:20:28.000 Yeah.

01:20:28.000 Things can go real weird with that guy.

01:20:30.000 He's already showing you video of his wife getting fucked.

01:20:33.000 I was thinking that he was trying to rope me into this.

01:20:36.000 Probably.

01:20:37.000 And if I would have done it, then he would have gotten footage of that.

01:20:42.000 And then boom, he'd have had liberties with me too.

01:20:45.000 Yeah.

01:20:46.000 You don't know what I would have done to get into that.

01:20:47.000 Right, that's what I'm saying.

01:20:49.000 That's probably how they do it.

01:20:51.000 There's a lot of...

01:20:52.000 Like, sex is such a weird thing in terms of, like, what's acceptable to some folks is deviant to others.

01:20:58.000 And I think there's a lot of these people that are evangelical types in particular, especially, that...

01:21:07.000 Probably, they can't hold that standard.

01:21:10.000 There's no way.

01:21:11.000 Right.

01:21:12.000 Right?

01:21:12.000 That standard of piousness, and they're out there speaking God's Word!

01:21:17.000 Right.

01:21:17.000 And they're doing it to thousands and thousands of people.

01:21:19.000 And it's a powerful position which makes women horny, you know?

01:21:22.000 And then you start getting these little opportunities pop up that would have never popped up if you were down at the First Baptist Church of Oaxaca.

01:21:29.000 Right.

01:21:29.000 Right?

01:21:30.000 But now you're the first Baptist of the world.

01:21:34.000 Right.

01:21:34.000 And it's probably kind of hot, right?

01:21:36.000 A woman comes up, a real deeply Christian woman.

01:21:39.000 Jerry Falwell Jr., I just tell you, I am a woman of God, but there's something about you that brings a fire to my loins.

01:21:47.000 Next thing you know, next thing you know, you're doing coke in a penthouse.

01:21:52.000 Yeah, with a big old glass of red wine.

01:21:55.000 Woo!

01:21:56.000 Porn everywhere.

01:21:57.000 Woo!

01:21:58.000 Baby!

01:21:59.000 Yeah.

01:21:59.000 Ooh, baby.

01:22:00.000 You're crushing up pills.

01:22:02.000 Yeah.

01:22:02.000 Come on.

01:22:03.000 Donald, listen.

01:22:04.000 Don't sweat that.

01:22:05.000 Donald Trump's my friend.

01:22:07.000 I'll call him right now.

01:22:09.000 And they were like, what?

01:22:11.000 No, Donald Trump, really?

01:22:13.000 Mar-a-Lago, I got a gold card.

01:22:16.000 Look at that gold card.

01:22:21.000 Why else would you be a billionaire?

01:22:23.000 Why else?

01:22:24.000 Come on, man.

01:22:25.000 Don't you want to party?

01:22:27.000 You should go at it, man.

01:22:28.000 What the fuck are you doing?

01:22:29.000 You just want to be a billionaire?

01:22:30.000 Your bank account's full, your balls are empty.

01:22:34.000 What is the point?

01:22:35.000 Am I in the way, Jamie?

01:22:37.000 Am I fucking up his camera?

01:22:40.000 Turned real blue for a second.

01:22:42.000 Oh, it's the aliens.

01:22:44.000 I don't like this conversation.

01:22:44.000 What happens when you talk about them?

01:22:46.000 Or the televangelists.

01:22:48.000 As soon as someone is telling you how to live your life and people are listening, boy, that gets fucking crazy.

01:22:56.000 What you can and can't do what God wants!

01:22:59.000 Right.

01:23:00.000 Remember that Hicks bit about Jesse Helms and these...

01:23:03.000 How'd it go?

01:23:05.000 There was something about that they were interviewing his wife after he died, and she was talking about Jesse's collection of little shoes.

01:23:15.000 That's right.

01:23:22.000 Well, that's what's so fucked up.

01:23:24.000 You remember when you used to think that pedophile cults were just some ridiculous conspiracy theory?

01:23:30.000 You know, like, oh, hey, man, there's an island, and they fly people out to the island, and they fuck underage girls.

01:23:35.000 Like, get out of here.

01:23:36.000 That isn't really going on, Jeff.

01:23:39.000 Get out of here with this nonsense.

01:23:41.000 Meanwhile, Clinton's like, well, he was my friend.

01:23:43.000 We flew a lot.

01:23:44.000 We flew together.

01:23:45.000 It's not a big deal.

01:23:46.000 He's a good guy.

01:23:47.000 I played golf with him once, and he told me a joke.

01:23:53.000 He set it up as a story, so it was pretty good.

01:23:56.000 He goes, it was a rapper friend that he knows.

01:23:59.000 And he was in a Maserati dealership and all thugged out.

01:24:04.000 And the guy goes, are you thinking about buying one of these cars?

01:24:07.000 And he goes, no, I'm going to buy one of those cars.

01:24:09.000 I'm thinking about pussy.

01:24:11.000 Yeah, that's an old joke.

01:24:12.000 Is it?

01:24:13.000 It's an old joke.

01:24:14.000 Clinton's a hack.

01:24:14.000 Yeah, Clinton.

01:24:16.000 I hadn't heard it.

01:24:17.000 So, to me, it was just Clinton telling me a pussy story with the word pussy in it.

01:24:22.000 I'm thinking about pussy.

01:24:24.000 All right.

01:24:25.000 Yeah.

01:24:26.000 Did you ever do impressions or did you just do that one?

01:24:29.000 I got a few impressions.

01:24:30.000 Yeah, but he's one of my favorite.

01:24:33.000 I had this bit that I was doing for a while.

01:24:35.000 I don't know if you ever saw it.

01:24:37.000 I had a new Netflix show called Ex-Presidents High on Mushrooms.

01:24:41.000 And the whole goal of the show was just to get Clinton.

01:24:46.000 And that you don't want to get Bush because he would just start crying.

01:24:49.000 Right.

01:24:49.000 You know, but Obama probably, he knows how to do mushrooms.

01:24:53.000 Like, he'll probably be cool with you.

01:24:54.000 Like, that probably wouldn't even be that big a deal.

01:24:55.000 Right.

01:24:56.000 But if you can get Clinton high on mushrooms, like, just get that guy to trip balls.

01:25:02.000 Right.

01:25:03.000 He should have been a comic.

01:25:05.000 That's what I think.

01:25:06.000 Should have been a sax player.

01:25:08.000 You know who should have been a comic?

01:25:09.000 That Wiener guy.

01:25:10.000 Oh, yeah, Anthony Wiener?

01:25:12.000 Yes!

01:25:12.000 Should have been a comic.

01:25:13.000 That guy was a full-blown dumb enough...

01:25:16.000 Right?

01:25:16.000 To become a comedian.

01:25:18.000 He just sending his dick out to everybody.

01:25:20.000 He went to jail for sending his dick to underage people, though, right?

01:25:23.000 Right.

01:25:23.000 That's what he did.

01:25:24.000 But how do you know how old that person is you're sending that dick pic to?

01:25:27.000 Be careful!

01:25:29.000 Be careful!

01:25:30.000 He didn't know.

01:25:32.000 These fucking perverts and deviants.

01:25:36.000 I see perverts and deviants that are good speakers.

01:25:38.000 I'm like, man, you missed the open mic night.

01:25:40.000 You sure did.

01:25:41.000 You fucked up.

01:25:41.000 You could have brought this to a bigger audience.

01:25:43.000 You're in the wrong business.

01:25:44.000 You're in a business where you get chastised and you lose everything for being who you are instead of selling out stadiums.

01:25:53.000 Right.

01:25:55.000 Instead of people laughing.

01:25:56.000 You fucked up, bro.

01:25:58.000 So you're an arena comedian.

01:26:02.000 Right?

01:26:03.000 I used to be.

01:26:04.000 Before the Great Plague.

01:26:05.000 No, but I mean, that's the size of numbers you draw when you decide to do stand-up.

01:26:10.000 There are coliseums and shit like that.

01:26:14.000 Did you ever think that would happen in your life?

01:26:17.000 I don't think it's happening when it's happening.

01:26:18.000 Oh, right?

01:26:19.000 You're able to ignore it?

01:26:21.000 When I'm getting introduced, well, most of the time I'm high, right?

01:26:24.000 So when I'm getting introduced, there's a moment where I do not believe it's real.

01:26:28.000 And that moment is always, that's at comedy clubs, that's at theaters, and it's most certainly at arenas.

01:26:35.000 There's a moment where they're like, ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Joe Rogan.

01:26:41.000 And you walk into a theater in the round, and there's 15,000 people there.

01:26:45.000 Right.

01:26:45.000 It just does not feel real.

01:26:47.000 It does not feel real.

01:26:49.000 It never feels real.

01:26:50.000 But I know how to do it.

01:26:52.000 Yeah, right?

01:26:52.000 So I just go out and do it like it feels real.

01:26:54.000 What's up?

01:26:55.000 What's up?

01:26:55.000 I've earned it!

01:26:56.000 What's up?

01:26:57.000 What's up?

01:26:58.000 This makes sense.

01:26:59.000 This is normal.

01:27:00.000 This is where I live.

01:27:02.000 It doesn't make sense.

01:27:02.000 I think when it makes sense, I'm in trouble.

01:27:04.000 When it doesn't freak me out, that's when I'm in trouble.

01:27:09.000 Yeah.

01:27:11.000 You know, when we were doing Blue Collar, I think the biggest one we did was a little over $20,000 at the place where they play hockey in Nashville.

01:27:20.000 And we'll always have the record or attendance there because we had the smallest stage.

01:27:25.000 Elton John used to hold it, but we had a smaller stage in the middle, right?

01:27:28.000 So we could build it up all the way around it.

01:27:31.000 And it was packed to the rafters with these huge TVs.

01:27:35.000 Ron White!

01:27:36.000 Whoa!

01:27:38.000 And then afterwards, we go back to the Lowe's Hotel, and there's a guy there from a magazine doing interviews.

01:27:49.000 And my head is so pumped up, I was like, you know, I said some stupid shit.

01:27:55.000 And Foxworthy was just regular, humble, sweet Foxworthy, right, who never makes a mistake in those kind of ways, because that's his nature, right?

01:28:02.000 He doesn't get drunk enough, right?

01:28:04.000 Yeah, I do.

01:28:05.000 Right?

01:28:05.000 I get plenty drunk to say the wrong fucking thing.

01:28:08.000 Of course.

01:28:09.000 So there were just some really arrogant sounding quotes out of that.

01:28:13.000 But what's my head supposed to feel like after that?

01:28:16.000 You know, after I just walk off stage with 20,000 people...

01:28:20.000 Screaming like I'm a beetle or whatever.

01:28:23.000 It's crazy.

01:28:25.000 How do I calm down from that?

01:28:26.000 I don't know how you do it.

01:28:27.000 I don't know.

01:28:28.000 I've never figured it out.

01:28:29.000 I just shake my head and go, wow, is that real?

01:28:32.000 That's why those rock stars died at 27. They couldn't figure that out.

01:28:36.000 It happened to them young.

01:28:37.000 It didn't happen to me until I was in my late 40s.

01:28:39.000 Not only that, it happened to them before it happened to anybody else before them.

01:28:43.000 Right.

01:28:43.000 There was no rock stars before the rock stars.

01:28:46.000 So before the 50s and the 60s, there's nobody selling out 25,000 seats.

01:28:50.000 Like, of course Elvis died in the toilet, filled with pills.

01:28:53.000 How the fuck is he supposed to manage this thing that no one's ever had to manage before?

01:28:57.000 No idea.

01:28:58.000 There's no blueprint.

01:28:58.000 There is none.

01:28:59.000 For us, we could look at Chris Rock and Richard Pryor and Steve Martin and all these other big acts that came before us and go, okay, how do these guys handle it?

01:29:09.000 Can I talk to them?

01:29:10.000 Could I sit down with Louis C.K.? Could I sit down with Dave Chappelle?

01:29:14.000 Will he tell me what it was like?

01:29:16.000 Yeah, what mistakes do you not make?

01:29:17.000 What is it like when you walk out there?

01:29:19.000 It's set with booby traps, and I stepped in every one of them.

01:29:22.000 I mean, it was like I was trying to hit them all.

01:29:24.000 I was like, clonk, clonk, clonk.

01:29:27.000 Really?

01:29:27.000 Are they everywhere?

01:29:28.000 I put a foot.

01:29:30.000 It's fun when you do it with other people.

01:29:32.000 Chappelle and I did a bunch of gigs, and we were supposed to do a bunch more until the COVID hit, but we broke the record of the Tacoma Dome.

01:29:39.000 It was 25,000 people.

01:29:40.000 You just said that to beat my number of 20,000.

01:29:43.000 I just had it in my pocket.

01:29:45.000 Right.

01:29:45.000 You're like, oh, I got this.

01:29:47.000 I'm going to throw it on him.

01:29:48.000 Dave has a DJ, and the whole thing is so crazy.

01:29:51.000 The lights are spinning around and everything.

01:29:54.000 And there's a thing that you feel like, first of all, and Dave said to me right before he went on stage, we were hanging out in the back, and he's like, Not a lot of motherfuckers get to do this.

01:30:04.000 Right.

01:30:04.000 He was right, too.

01:30:05.000 But it was the way he said it.

01:30:07.000 He was right.

01:30:07.000 Like, man, like, yeah.

01:30:09.000 And Dave, like me, gets fucked up before shows.

01:30:13.000 Right.

01:30:13.000 He's like, I like hanging out with other dudes who get really high before shows.

01:30:17.000 Because there's something about that wild ride.

01:30:19.000 I akin it to, I liken it to skiing downhill.

01:30:23.000 When you're going too fast.

01:30:25.000 Right.

01:30:25.000 And you know you're in trouble, but you can still do it.

01:30:28.000 Yeah.

01:30:28.000 You make it, you land at the end.

01:30:30.000 Shh!

01:30:30.000 You're like, woo!

01:30:32.000 That was dangerous.

01:30:33.000 Because I really didn't have control of that.

01:30:35.000 At one point in my comedy career, my goal was to be smoking a joint outside that door, take a big hit, ladies and gentlemen, Ron White, blow the hit out in their face.

01:30:46.000 Hi.

01:30:47.000 Hi.

01:30:48.000 Hi.

01:30:48.000 At one point in time.

01:30:50.000 And then you did it so many times.

01:30:51.000 It was like, all right.

01:30:53.000 Yeah, it's a fun way to do comedy.

01:30:56.000 The most fun thing about comedy is not just doing comedy, but doing comedy with other people that are also enjoying doing comedy.

01:31:03.000 That's why the fucking store is so great, right?

01:31:06.000 I know.

01:31:07.000 That's why we have to recreate that here, my friend.

01:31:09.000 Well, you know, but you're moving it out to a fucking ranch, dude.

01:31:12.000 Do we all get to live on the ranch?

01:31:15.000 You want to?

01:31:16.000 I'll set that up.

01:31:17.000 That'd be great.

01:31:17.000 I will absolutely be interested in that.

01:31:20.000 We all move out to the ranch and eat barbecue.

01:31:23.000 I'll set up large chunks of property on the ranch just for comics.

01:31:27.000 How about every comic that's like a legit headliner gets like a two-acre plot of land on the ranch.

01:31:33.000 You got a nice yard, you do whatever you want, build a house for you.

01:31:37.000 Do we gotta do the yard?

01:31:39.000 You don't have to fuck anybody.

01:31:41.000 But you gotta fuck my wife, and I'm gonna film it!

01:31:44.000 Woo!

01:31:44.000 I gotta tell you, I just met her and I'm in.

01:31:49.000 She's hot.

01:31:50.000 Oh, God, I had no idea.

01:31:51.000 I mean, I figured she was, but I'd never seen a picture of her or anything.

01:31:54.000 My favorite person.

01:31:55.000 She's so beautiful.

01:31:56.000 She's a nice lady.

01:31:56.000 Got a cool personality.

01:31:59.000 But yeah, you could watch.

01:32:01.000 Sure.

01:32:05.000 I wouldn't care who saw that.

01:32:07.000 Woo!

01:32:07.000 Bring in the pool boy.

01:32:09.000 Who's got the camera?

01:32:11.000 I don't really want to have a cult on a ranch, but I do think it would be fun to have a comedy club out there.

01:32:18.000 You know, there's this really cool building.

01:32:20.000 It's not too far from your house, and it's, you know, I wish I knew the titles or some of this stuff, but It was a cult, and they built a theater right over here, right next to Travis.

01:32:38.000 You know where we went to see Monty Montgomery that night?

01:32:40.000 Didn't you go with us over there to play that theater?

01:32:43.000 The little 350 CDs.

01:32:44.000 I should just explain to people that are just listening.

01:32:46.000 Sometimes he asks questions to his son, Marshall, who's in the room.

01:32:49.000 So it's like, who are your uncle?

01:32:52.000 What are you saying?

01:32:54.000 He's my memory.

01:32:55.000 There it is.

01:32:55.000 Jamie's got it.

01:32:56.000 One World Theater.

01:32:57.000 Yeah.

01:32:57.000 Oh, shit.

01:33:00.000 This guy was a cult figure, and he built this for him to dance in.

01:33:04.000 Oh, look at him.

01:33:04.000 Look at the dude.

01:33:05.000 Right.

01:33:06.000 Oh, look at him with no shirt on.

01:33:08.000 Look at his abs.

01:33:09.000 Oh, my God.

01:33:10.000 Of course he had abs.

01:33:11.000 So this is over by your house, and it seats about 350 people.

01:33:15.000 I did a show there the other night.

01:33:17.000 How many people?

01:33:18.000 Look, there it is right there.

01:33:19.000 350?

01:33:20.000 I think so.

01:33:20.000 It doesn't look like 350 there.

01:33:22.000 That's perfect.

01:33:23.000 That's the perfect size for a comedy club.

01:33:25.000 Yeah, it is.

01:33:26.000 Was that guy dead?

01:33:28.000 Well, the cult dissolved, and now they do occasional shows in it.

01:33:33.000 Is the guy still alive?

01:33:35.000 Click on him, Jane.

01:33:36.000 I don't know.

01:33:36.000 Click on him down there, the lower right-hand corner, the bottom picture.

01:33:39.000 I don't think that's him.

01:33:40.000 No?

01:33:40.000 The one below it.

01:33:41.000 Below it.

01:33:41.000 Below that.

01:33:42.000 The one below that.

01:33:43.000 Below that.

01:33:43.000 Right there.

01:33:44.000 That one.

01:33:44.000 That's him.

01:33:45.000 That's a cult guy.

01:33:46.000 Yeah.

01:33:48.000 Guaranteed.

01:33:48.000 Yeah, there he is.

01:33:49.000 Yeah, there's something on Netflix now that I watch.

01:33:52.000 He just looks full of shit.

01:33:54.000 Yeah, doesn't he?

01:33:55.000 Doesn't he?

01:33:57.000 There's a certain fake spiritual look that's one of my favorite looks.

01:34:02.000 He looks like he would fuck anybody.

01:34:04.000 Anybody.

01:34:05.000 I always feel like with fake spiritual women, they're just trying to find themselves.

01:34:09.000 I give them a free pass.

01:34:10.000 Right.

01:34:10.000 But fake spiritual dudes, I'm like, you're just trying to fuck.

01:34:13.000 I see what you're doing.

01:34:14.000 You're looking for an angle.

01:34:16.000 You're just trying to get an angle on some lost women.

01:34:18.000 I know what you're doing, bro.

01:34:21.000 Yeah, nice abs though, huh?

01:34:24.000 Crazy abs.

01:34:24.000 The guy must watch his diet, do a lot of sit-ups.

01:34:27.000 Yeah, he's doing a lot of things.

01:34:28.000 But anyway, that building is right over by your house.

01:34:32.000 Well, I don't want a cult building.

01:34:34.000 That seems like a terrible idea.

01:34:35.000 I thought you did, and that's what gave me this idea.

01:34:38.000 You were the one bringing up the kilt shit.

01:34:40.000 I'm going to do it the right way.

01:34:41.000 This guy's an asshole.

01:34:42.000 Out on a ranch.

01:34:45.000 The key to a successful cult is you have no membership, do whatever you want, you can leave whenever you want, you don't fuck everybody's wife, and you don't take 10% of their money.

01:34:53.000 That's the key.

01:34:54.000 What's the point?

01:34:55.000 That's the thing they're doing it all wrong.

01:34:56.000 What's the point?

01:34:56.000 There's no point.

01:34:57.000 The point is just stay slightly drunk and keep moving.

01:35:01.000 Right.

01:35:02.000 That's the point.

01:35:03.000 I would like to say...

01:35:05.000 Ta-da!

01:35:07.000 You're doing it already!

01:35:08.000 Yeah.

01:35:09.000 Yeah, micro-dosing and slightly drunk.

01:35:12.000 Yeah.

01:35:12.000 That should be the title of your book.

01:35:13.000 Have you ever written a book?

01:35:14.000 A New York Times bestseller.

01:35:16.000 Oh, shit.

01:35:17.000 Ron White?

01:35:17.000 I had the right to remain silent, but I didn't have the ability.

01:35:20.000 It was number one.

01:35:22.000 It tied for 15th place, which makes you the number one bestseller for the rest of your life.

01:35:28.000 That's amazing.

01:35:29.000 You can put it on your fucking tombstone.

01:35:30.000 That's pretty amazing.

01:35:31.000 And basically, it was just a...

01:35:33.000 They had asked me to do it, and I said no.

01:35:36.000 And then they asked me again and said, for this much money?

01:35:39.000 I said no.

01:35:40.000 I don't have time.

01:35:41.000 I'm not going to write a book.

01:35:42.000 It's not what I do.

01:35:42.000 I'm doing stand-up, and I'm doing well.

01:35:44.000 Because it was after everything was clicking, right?

01:35:46.000 And then they said, how about we just...

01:35:48.000 Copy a transcript of your show and put that in there, and then you just add a couple stories.

01:35:54.000 I'm like, for how much?

01:35:56.000 And they said, this much.

01:35:57.000 And I said, yeah, all right, let's do that.

01:35:59.000 And I had to go on a book tour, which was a pain in the ass, and sign books.

01:36:04.000 But still, it was a New York Times bestseller.

01:36:07.000 Congratulations.

01:36:08.000 I'm also an honorary member of Harvard Lampoon.

01:36:11.000 Are you really?

01:36:12.000 Yeah.

01:36:13.000 All right.

01:36:14.000 What else?

01:36:15.000 Which was very cool.

01:36:16.000 You really good at badminton or something like that?

01:36:19.000 I'm okay at ping pong.

01:36:20.000 I used to be good at ping pong, but not anymore.

01:36:22.000 Ping pong's tricky, man.

01:36:23.000 Yeah, tricky.

01:36:24.000 That's a touch thing.

01:36:25.000 You gotta be...

01:36:26.000 You gotta have a ping pong table and you ping pong all the time.

01:36:29.000 But I was good at 160 pounds.

01:36:32.000 I doubt it.

01:36:33.000 At 215, I don't think I'm that good.

01:36:36.000 I think I've lost some of my twitch.

01:36:38.000 I get it.

01:36:39.000 It's hard on the knees, too.

01:36:41.000 There's a lot like tennis.

01:36:42.000 When I see people playing tennis, I'm like, man, you only have so much meniscus.

01:36:46.000 I know.

01:36:47.000 That's Dr. Phil.

01:36:48.000 I play golf with Dr. Phil, but he plays tennis.

01:36:50.000 That's his game.

01:36:51.000 And it keeps his knees so fucked up.

01:36:52.000 It's a great game.

01:36:53.000 I love playing it.

01:36:55.000 That was good, too.

01:36:56.000 I'm out there.

01:36:57.000 It's amazing how much he sounds like Clinton.

01:36:59.000 No, it's a little different.

01:37:00.000 It's different.

01:37:01.000 I know.

01:37:01.000 It's different.

01:37:04.000 But that tennis keeps his knees fucked up.

01:37:07.000 He's 6'4", big guy.

01:37:09.000 Well, he tore his shoulder apart too, right?

01:37:11.000 Oh yeah, I've heard of that.

01:37:13.000 They have it in Venice Beach, but it's tennis for old people, but it's popular here in Austin, apparently.

01:37:19.000 So you don't have to move as much.

01:37:21.000 Look at that fat guy.

01:37:25.000 He just hurt his knee too, look.

01:37:27.000 But see, once you play virtual reality games, this just seems like a stupid waste of time.

01:37:32.000 Out there playing pickleball.

01:37:33.000 You know, you play like one of them sandbox games.

01:37:36.000 You ever gone to a sandbox?

01:37:37.000 You know what that is?

01:37:38.000 Yeah.

01:37:38.000 It's a virtual reality studio where you go to like a warehouse.

01:37:41.000 They strap you up with a haptic suit so you feel when you get hit.

01:37:45.000 And you put a helmet on so you're in virtual reality.

01:37:47.000 You wear gloves.

01:37:48.000 And you play these fucking crazy games.

01:37:51.000 Like all kinds of wild games.

01:37:53.000 Like you're on a pirate ship.

01:37:55.000 And the pirate ship gets taken over by demons.

01:37:58.000 And skeletons are chasing after you.

01:38:00.000 You shoot muskets at the skeletons.

01:38:02.000 They have one here apparently.

01:38:02.000 Yeah, they do.

01:38:03.000 I've seen it.

01:38:04.000 I think the original one might have been in Austin.

01:38:06.000 I believe so.

01:38:07.000 But I played it in Woodland Hills.

01:38:09.000 Out near the old studio.

01:38:11.000 And it's a blast?

01:38:12.000 Oh my god, it's fucking awesome.

01:38:14.000 It's so much fun.

01:38:15.000 It's so much fun.

01:38:16.000 And it makes you realize, like, you were around when Pong came out.

01:38:20.000 Remember when you had the little turn?

01:38:21.000 Oh yeah.

01:38:22.000 We thought everything that could be invented had been invented.

01:38:25.000 Yeah, so this is, uh, this is, fast forward a little bit, I don't care about these people signing up.

01:38:31.000 I can't.

01:38:31.000 Oh, you can't?

01:38:32.000 Oh, okay.

01:38:33.000 We don't have all the glitches figured out.

01:38:35.000 They go through this thing, you put on this thing on your foot and on your hands and the suit and the headgear and then you go into these rooms and you're transformed into this avatar and you play these wild fucking games.

01:38:48.000 And that was an awesome one.

01:38:49.000 The zombie one is awesome.

01:38:50.000 You're in a house and the house is overcome by zombies and they come falling out of the ceiling and running towards you and you're gunning them down.

01:38:57.000 But your weapon's good?

01:38:58.000 Yes!

01:38:58.000 I mean, you can take them out?

01:38:59.000 Yes!

01:38:59.000 Their heads explode.

01:39:01.000 It's fucking awesome.

01:39:02.000 It's amazing.

01:39:03.000 Yeah, you're gunning them down.

01:39:04.000 And you watch their little zombie bodies get riddled with bullets.

01:39:09.000 It's amazing.

01:39:10.000 But it's like when we're talking about playing Pong.

01:39:13.000 When we were kids and we were first playing that, like, this is incredible.

01:39:17.000 I'm playing something that's on the TV. That is what I look at when I look at these games and I say, what is it going to be like in 50 years?

01:39:25.000 What is it going to be like in 5 years?

01:39:27.000 It's going to be fucking amazing.

01:39:28.000 It's not going to be pickleball.

01:39:31.000 Pickleball is on the way out the fucking door.

01:39:34.000 It's going to be awesome.

01:39:35.000 It's going to be spaceships.

01:39:37.000 You're going to be hanging out with Bob Lazar.

01:39:39.000 Because we played paintball, which stings, right?

01:39:43.000 That actually hurts.

01:39:45.000 Paintball has consequences.

01:39:46.000 But it's also fun as fuck.

01:39:50.000 But this looks like this is another version of that in air conditioning.

01:39:55.000 You don't have to feel the pain of that paintball hitting you in the rib.

01:40:00.000 They have one-on-one sword fights.

01:40:02.000 You fight with each other with modern crazy weapons type situations.

01:40:08.000 My daughter killed me.

01:40:10.000 She killed me in a one-on-one combat with swords.

01:40:12.000 You let her, didn't you?

01:40:13.000 A little bit.

01:40:13.000 Right.

01:40:14.000 But it was fun.

01:40:15.000 They're fun games, man.

01:40:16.000 You just imagine what it's going to be like, you know, doing something where you really can't distinguish.

01:40:22.000 Like, it's fun.

01:40:23.000 You're seeing it all.

01:40:24.000 It's wild.

01:40:25.000 The video's wild.

01:40:26.000 You feel it.

01:40:27.000 Like, your chest vibrates when you get hit.

01:40:29.000 It's pretty cool.

01:40:30.000 But imagine what it's going to be like when you can't distinguish it between this and reality.

01:40:36.000 And you get to fuck the thing.

01:40:37.000 You're fighting.

01:40:38.000 That's going to happen.

01:40:39.000 Right.

01:40:39.000 For sure.

01:40:39.000 That's next.

01:40:40.000 Oh, that's coming.

01:40:42.000 The moment they could figure out how to do that, like with this Elon Musk neural link where they're doing that, the moment they could figure out how to tap into your senses to make you really feel like you're having sex with, like, you know, Tara Patrick in her prime.

01:40:54.000 You know what I'm talking?

01:40:55.000 All right.

01:40:56.000 Woo!

01:40:57.000 Some super hot...

01:40:58.000 What's up, Jamie?

01:40:59.000 You gotta watch that one Black Mirror episode.

01:41:01.000 We were gonna watch it that one day, and I was like, you should watch this at another time.

01:41:04.000 But, like...

01:41:05.000 Oh, yeah.

01:41:05.000 They set up this scenario where it is, it's two guys playing virtual reality.

01:41:09.000 One's a guy, one's a girl.

01:41:10.000 And they fuck each other.

01:41:11.000 And they end up realizing they can fuck each other.

01:41:13.000 Oh, no.

01:41:13.000 And that, like, causes this whole fucking chaos of problems.

01:41:16.000 They both have girlfriend or wives, whatever the fuck.

01:41:19.000 And they wind up banging each other?

01:41:20.000 And they're like, who's going to be the girl, though?

01:41:22.000 Oh, boy.

01:41:23.000 Oh, boy.

01:41:25.000 That would be the real question, right?

01:41:27.000 That's the reason I want to go on living.

01:41:34.000 i want bridget bardo and me and uh sophia loren back in the day in 66 yeah oh my god yeah back when ferraris had skinny tires the old days the old days people didn't know anything what are you what are you driving now joe i got a lot of cars a lot of different stuff How many?

01:41:53.000 I like that.

01:41:54.000 You know, I got the 56 Corvette.

01:41:57.000 Oh, yeah.

01:41:57.000 If it would have been raining, I was going to drive it up here so you could see it.

01:42:00.000 That's beautiful.

01:42:00.000 Yeah.

01:42:00.000 I have that one, that 65. That 65 is prettier than mine.

01:42:04.000 That's a crazy car, man.

01:42:06.000 That's the car that I drive around where I can't believe it's mine.

01:42:09.000 Yeah.

01:42:09.000 I can't believe that's really my car.

01:42:11.000 Yeah, when you bring that up.

01:42:12.000 Because, you know, the parking lot at the comedy store is a shit show.

01:42:17.000 But it's a shit show between ultra-successful comedians who have great cars and guys that haven't had a Netflix special yet.

01:42:23.000 But as soon as they do get one, they get a car, right?

01:42:27.000 And then you got, you know...

01:42:29.000 It was never like that, you know.

01:42:31.000 Like, that place is filled with, like, millions of dollars in cars now.

01:42:34.000 Or at least it was before the lockdown.

01:42:35.000 Yeah, right.

01:42:36.000 The old days...

01:42:37.000 It was half the parking lot, you know?

01:42:40.000 Because you had some really successful comics up there and then some great comics that hadn't hit it yet.

01:42:44.000 Yeah.

01:42:45.000 All doing shows.

01:42:46.000 But we were there the other day.

01:42:47.000 There was a Ferrari, three Porsches, a Lamborghini.

01:42:51.000 I was like, this is the craziest parking lot I've ever seen.

01:42:53.000 Like, Russell Peters' Lamborghini truck was there.

01:42:56.000 And I was like, this is madness.

01:42:58.000 I mean, when it was rocking, you know, I mean, when I say this like the old days, but it was really only seven months ago.

01:43:06.000 Right, seven months ago, rocking.

01:43:08.000 Every night.

01:43:09.000 Fun as fuck.

01:43:10.000 We were in the golden years.

01:43:12.000 We really was.

01:43:13.000 As far as comedy goes, I've been there since 94. Never been anything like it is now.

01:43:17.000 Right.

01:43:18.000 Because the internet energized it.

01:43:19.000 That's because of your podcast and Maren's podcast and all the people that feed it are also working there every single night of the week that they weren't touring.

01:43:29.000 And, you know, it bred a place to go have fun.

01:43:34.000 And I think it all stems from them...

01:43:38.000 Their intrinsic nature was always to embrace stand-up comedy, and it didn't matter about your insanity.

01:43:42.000 So if you wanted to be crazy, come be crazy here at the Comedy Store.

01:43:46.000 And smoke pot right here, you have our own bar right here, and you can snort cocaine off of this piano-shaped fucking thing in the dressing room of the main room.

01:43:54.000 It's a mirror.

01:43:55.000 A mirror.

01:43:56.000 A little piano made out of mirrors that was built for prior to do blow-off of, and then many people followed in his footsteps.

01:44:06.000 But they've embraced that, and it made it fun, and it made comics feel important.

01:44:11.000 If you want to smoke pot at the improv, you have to go stand on Melrose Avenue and smoke it in traffic, because they didn't care like they did it.

01:44:22.000 They didn't understand it the same way they did at the comedy show.

01:44:24.000 The improv changed a little bit over the years.

01:44:26.000 Well, they have a new club up there now, but I haven't been in it since it was finished.

01:44:31.000 Yeah.

01:44:32.000 There's something about the store where they realize that the comedians are why the people are there.

01:44:37.000 Right.

01:44:38.000 Whereas other clubs...

01:44:38.000 That's why the comics park right next to the door and you park wherever the fuck you can.

01:44:42.000 Yeah.

01:44:43.000 Because you're going to get something that you didn't even pay for when you walk in here.

01:44:47.000 Yeah.

01:44:48.000 You're going to see Rogan and Cummings and all the best comics in the world.

01:44:54.000 Joey Diaz.

01:44:54.000 Joey Diaz just rocking the fucking place.

01:44:57.000 Diaz moved to New Jersey.

01:44:59.000 I talked to him about it, man.

01:45:02.000 He's one of the guys that checks up on me.

01:45:08.000 I get a call once a month or every month and a half or whatever from Diaz.

01:45:14.000 Ron White is Joe Diaz.

01:45:16.000 How are you, cocksucker?

01:45:17.000 Just checking in on you.

01:45:19.000 And you feel like he's doing it because he gives a shit.

01:45:22.000 He does.

01:45:24.000 We were talking about it.

01:45:26.000 I was like, come to Austin with us.

01:45:30.000 This is what's going to happen.

01:45:31.000 If I'd have known about the ranch and the two acres, and a mule.

01:45:35.000 Do we get a mule?

01:45:36.000 I'll give you a mule.

01:45:37.000 This is what's going to happen.

01:45:39.000 Joey Diaz is going to go through one New Jersey winter.

01:45:42.000 You've got to realize, Joey's been out there with us since 96. He doesn't know what winter is anymore.

01:45:46.000 No, he doesn't.

01:45:46.000 He's going to go through one of those shitty New Jersey winters, and then I'm going to call him up in April.

01:45:50.000 Ready, too.

01:45:51.000 I'm going to invite Joe Diaz.

01:45:52.000 A mule?

01:45:52.000 Really?

01:45:53.000 Joe Diaz's Spotify money.

01:45:54.000 He's burning a hole in my pocket.

01:45:56.000 Come on, man.

01:45:56.000 Come on out here.

01:45:57.000 I'll sponsor you.

01:45:58.000 Let's make something happen.

01:46:00.000 I got a club going on.

01:46:01.000 I want you to do a residency.

01:46:03.000 Let's get rolling.

01:46:05.000 Come out here.

01:46:06.000 And he'll do it.

01:46:07.000 Yes.

01:46:07.000 I hope so.

01:46:08.000 I hope so.

01:46:09.000 Call him on a really bad day.

01:46:12.000 I might have to fly out there and bend the knee.

01:46:14.000 I'll fly up there with you.

01:46:15.000 We'll get them together.

01:46:16.000 Let's do it.

01:46:16.000 I'll do whatever I can do.

01:46:18.000 I'm accepting the fact, because there's no comedy right now, I'm accepting the fact that he went to New Jersey.

01:46:23.000 But I'm only accepting it temporarily.

01:46:25.000 If you looked at my brain, like if my brain was a circle, like a pie, there'd be like a 15% sliver.

01:46:33.000 Get Joey Diaz out of New Jersey.

01:46:34.000 That's like 15% of my brain.

01:46:36.000 15%?

01:46:36.000 It's in there, man.

01:46:38.000 Listen, he's a big factor in all this and in the store and in my career and in comedy and podcasting in general.

01:46:48.000 He's a big factor because he's the party.

01:46:51.000 When Joey Diaz, and especially me and him together, Because he knows what a fan I am of his.

01:46:59.000 So when I'm in the room with him, he knows how much I love him and he can just be free.

01:47:03.000 He can be wild and he knows that I think he's the funniest guy that's ever lived.

01:47:07.000 So when he's rocking and rolling and I'm in the room and I'm dying laughing, I'm the best audience ever because I love him.

01:47:14.000 He's such a unique person.

01:47:18.000 He's so unique.

01:47:19.000 I don't know anybody like him.

01:47:21.000 He's so wild and crazy and his stories are so ridiculous.

01:47:24.000 He's just such a crazy person, but a good person, too.

01:47:28.000 He's a really good guy.

01:47:30.000 He's genuinely sweet.

01:47:31.000 I mean, he calls to check on me.

01:47:33.000 Who would call to check on me?

01:47:34.000 He does that to everybody.

01:47:35.000 I assume he does.

01:47:37.000 I mean, I assume he wouldn't just be checking on me.

01:47:39.000 No, he's amazing.

01:47:40.000 He's amazing.

01:47:40.000 I love him to death.

01:47:42.000 He's got this thing.

01:47:43.000 He came from Jersey.

01:47:44.000 He wants to go back to Jersey.

01:47:45.000 That's good.

01:47:45.000 Let me get that out of your system.

01:47:47.000 Do one winter there.

01:47:48.000 Right.

01:47:50.000 I'm gonna take a picture on a canoe, like on Lady Bird Lake, kicking back with like a margarita, going, Joey, what are you doing?

01:48:00.000 You digging yourself out of your fucking driveway?

01:48:02.000 Come to Texas!

01:48:04.000 Come to Texas, Joey!

01:48:05.000 We got a club!

01:48:07.000 I can't do anything until I open up the club.

01:48:09.000 And once I open up the club, then I'm going to start calling people.

01:48:13.000 But Tim Dillon, he's going to come out here.

01:48:15.000 Hinchcliffe wants to move out here.

01:48:16.000 Red Ben wants to move out here.

01:48:18.000 We're going to get a bunch of them out here.

01:48:19.000 And once we have a club, then we'll put up the bat signal.

01:48:25.000 My goal for a club is not to make any money.

01:48:28.000 My goal is to break even and have everybody paid well.

01:48:32.000 Let's establish a community and let's do a thing in Austin like we were doing in LA where we're basically just working on the art.

01:48:50.000 I think so too.

01:48:57.000 It was our home and that we all come with a guy like you and a guy like me.

01:49:04.000 We don't necessarily work together.

01:49:07.000 You work at your places and then I work at my places and the only time we get together is at a club where we're working on material.

01:49:14.000 Because you're headlining in these big fucking places, and I'm going off of these other places, and we need a place where it's like a hub, like a home base.

01:49:22.000 And that's what the store was for us.

01:49:24.000 But I think that's created because of comics.

01:49:27.000 That's the reason...

01:49:29.000 When I played the store, or the factory, or the improv, when I played all of them, or Pasadena, Ice House, I would never ever let anybody come with me.

01:49:42.000 Not whatever woman I was with, not any friends that I had, I would not let anybody go with me to those shows.

01:49:50.000 Because I didn't want to worry about them.

01:49:52.000 I wanted to go there and be a part of the comedy community.

01:49:55.000 And not to be bothered by anything else.

01:49:59.000 Let this be my time to recharge, relax.

01:50:02.000 Talk to people who have chosen the same exact path I've chosen in life.

01:50:07.000 And those are rare, but they're gathered.

01:50:09.000 And we have access to them.

01:50:11.000 And that's why I live so close to there.

01:50:13.000 I live a mile and a half, I guess, from the store.

01:50:17.000 If I didn't have kids, I'd live right next door to that place.

01:50:19.000 Right.

01:50:20.000 Well, you could have had another room.

01:50:24.000 And that's what was so precious in drawing to me about it, is that I got to go talk stand-up comedy, tell jokes, laugh so hard I couldn't breathe.

01:50:36.000 Just being around comics.

01:50:38.000 Yeah.

01:50:38.000 And, you know, I always kept it to myself.

01:50:43.000 You know, that was always my thing.

01:50:44.000 Yeah.

01:50:45.000 Not me bringing people to see me or my manager.

01:50:48.000 Fuck you, dude.

01:50:49.000 Don't.

01:50:49.000 You come see me at a big show when I'm not trying new shit, you know?

01:50:53.000 Yeah.

01:50:54.000 I know.

01:50:54.000 Because if I'm eating it on stage and I have a friend in the audience, they feel horrible.

01:50:59.000 I don't.

01:51:01.000 It's not me that feels bad.

01:51:02.000 It's them.

01:51:03.000 And I feel bad for them feeling bad.

01:51:05.000 I'm like, sorry.

01:51:06.000 Fuck, I knew it wasn't going to work.

01:51:08.000 I've had the same manager since I was an open-miker.

01:51:11.000 Wow.

01:51:12.000 Yeah, my manager found me.

01:51:14.000 In Boston in 1991. I was basically just scratching out a living.

01:51:24.000 I would get a few paid gigs, but I was basically a beginner.

01:51:27.000 I'd get paid gigs every now and again.

01:51:30.000 Were you still shooting pool for money?

01:51:32.000 No, I started doing that after I tore my ACL. I hurt my knee, and I had to rehab my knee, and I had to get knee surgery, and I was hanging out with my friend John, and we would go to this executive billiards in White Plains, New York, because I'd moved to New York to do stand-up because I met my manager in Boston.

01:51:49.000 He flew me out to New York, or brought me out to New York, and I lived there from then on.

01:51:54.000 And I would go to this...

01:51:56.000 Pool Hall.

01:51:57.000 And I started seeing, I got just stumbled into it.

01:52:00.000 Just blind luck.

01:52:01.000 It was a pool hall where there was a lot of gambling.

01:52:04.000 Like high stakes game.

01:52:05.000 I saw $10,000 pool games.

01:52:06.000 Wow, how fun.

01:52:08.000 Wild.

01:52:08.000 Wild shit.

01:52:10.000 People gambling and betting money and yelling.

01:52:13.000 It was back in the day when you could smoke.

01:52:16.000 So the whole place is filled with smoke.

01:52:18.000 And it was like a different kind of deviance.

01:52:21.000 That was real similar to the deviants that I had experienced with comics and also the deviants that I experienced with fighters.

01:52:28.000 I grew up in martial arts.

01:52:31.000 I grew up around fighters.

01:52:33.000 And they were a different kind of deviant.

01:52:38.000 And then I'm around these pool hall deviants.

01:52:44.000 I realized there's a bunch of different clusters of people that didn't accept the society standards.

01:52:51.000 They're like, I don't want to live like that.

01:52:53.000 I don't want to do what these people are asking me to do.

01:52:55.000 I want to live in a free way.

01:52:58.000 I want to be vagabonds.

01:52:59.000 I met a lot of homeless people that I became friends with.

01:53:02.000 I had homeless guys who would sleep on my couch in my apartment, guys who were just pool hustlers.

01:53:07.000 They didn't have anywhere to stay.

01:53:09.000 They would sleep underneath the tables at Chelsea Billiards in New York because it was a 24-hour place.

01:53:13.000 So when your manager found you, what were you doing?

01:53:16.000 I was driving limos.

01:53:18.000 I had quit fighting by then, and I had quit even teaching.

01:53:24.000 So I was teaching at Boston University.

01:53:26.000 I taught an accredited class in Taekwondo at Boston University.

01:53:32.000 That was when I won the US Open.

01:53:35.000 I had won a bunch of different national and regional Taekwondo tournaments.

01:53:42.000 I was basically a Taekwondo instructor and fighting, and I was trying to make the Olympic team.

01:53:47.000 But along the way, I started kickboxing, and I realized that Taekwondo had all these fucking holes in it.

01:53:52.000 And then I realized that kickboxing was giving me brain damage.

01:53:55.000 So I was sparring a lot, and I was getting a lot of headaches, and I was like, I think I might be wrecking my brain.

01:54:01.000 And then I quit doing stand-up, or I quit fighting, rather, and I started doing stand-up.

01:54:06.000 And I took on all these other jobs because I didn't want to shortchange my students.

01:54:12.000 So I stopped teaching because I just wasn't into it like I was before.

01:54:15.000 I was obsessed with stand-up.

01:54:16.000 So I quit my school.

01:54:17.000 I quit teaching at BU. And I was driving limos and I was working for a private investigator.

01:54:24.000 I was driving him around.

01:54:24.000 He lost his license in the DUI. To this day, one of the funniest people I ever met.

01:54:29.000 Dynamite dickless Dave Dolan.

01:54:31.000 He was one of the funniest fucking dudes I ever met in my life.

01:54:33.000 LAUGHTER That's what he called himself.

01:54:36.000 He would call me up.

01:54:39.000 He'd go, Smokin' Joe!

01:54:41.000 It's Dynamite Dickless Dave Dolan!

01:54:43.000 He remained my friend until the day he died.

01:54:46.000 He died a few years back of cancer, unfortunately.

01:54:50.000 But he remained my friend to the day...

01:54:52.000 Well, actually, he had a bunch of medical issues.

01:54:54.000 He had a stroke.

01:54:55.000 A lot of shit went bad.

01:54:58.000 Great dude.

01:54:59.000 But remained friends with him to the day he died.

01:55:03.000 But he was literally one of the funniest people I've ever met that never did stand-up.

01:55:08.000 And what's funny is, his cousin was Bill Downs, who was one of the owners of the Comedy Connection.

01:55:15.000 Just randomly, I answered an ad.

01:55:20.000 We're talking about 1988. I answered an ad in the newspaper.

01:55:25.000 Someone was looking for an assistant for a private investigator.

01:55:28.000 I was like, whew, that's a good job.

01:55:30.000 I'm going to be an assistant to a private investigator.

01:55:32.000 That sounds exciting.

01:55:33.000 But really, he needed a driver because he lost his license on a DUI. So I was driving Dynamite Dickless Dave Dolan around, and we would catch people.

01:55:44.000 It was mostly insurance scams, mostly people that were getting disability insurance and they were still working on the side.

01:55:51.000 We'd catch them doing that.

01:55:52.000 But occasionally it was like some guy, there was one guy that Dave was following around.

01:55:58.000 One guy, he had this wife that just kept fucking this bodybuilder.

01:56:05.000 And Dave would get pictures of this guy plowing this girl.

01:56:10.000 And the guy was like, okay, well, keep following her.

01:56:12.000 He's like, hey, you sick fuck.

01:56:13.000 He goes, I gave you the pictures.

01:56:15.000 He goes, I'm not fucking.

01:56:17.000 He goes, this guy wants pictures.

01:56:19.000 He wants the pictures.

01:56:21.000 He's asking me to keep following.

01:56:22.000 I got pictures of this guy fucking your wife.

01:56:26.000 We're done.

01:56:27.000 We're done, buddy!

01:56:29.000 You had to meet the guy.

01:56:31.000 I mean, he was such a Boston, like an Irish Boston character.

01:56:36.000 And he was a private investigator.

01:56:39.000 Never wanted to do anything else.

01:56:40.000 He loved it.

01:56:41.000 Loved it.

01:56:42.000 Loved catching people.

01:56:43.000 Yeah, there was a guy at my golf club in Atlanta that was a private investigator.

01:56:48.000 And our assistant pro ended up going to work for him.

01:56:52.000 We had these two really big guys, both named Jason.

01:56:58.000 They were the two Jasons.

01:57:00.000 And one of them ended up being Colt Ford.

01:57:03.000 You know who that is?

01:57:05.000 Colt Ford?

01:57:06.000 Sounds like a character in a Tom Selleck movie.

01:57:08.000 I know.

01:57:09.000 He was a country rapper.

01:57:17.000 He's teaching me how to hit.

01:57:18.000 That's Cole Ford.

01:57:21.000 Look at him.

01:57:23.000 He looks like Ollie Joe Prater.

01:57:25.000 He told me We're hitting balls, and he had a PGA Tour card for eight years.

01:57:31.000 He's an amazing guy.

01:57:33.000 Really?

01:57:33.000 Yeah.

01:57:34.000 Damn.

01:57:34.000 And his show is fantastic, and people love it.

01:57:40.000 He's got an Affliction shirt on.

01:57:42.000 Right?

01:57:43.000 There's a few pictures of me out there with those on.

01:57:44.000 Yeah.

01:57:45.000 It's very unfortunate.

01:57:46.000 Back in the day.

01:57:47.000 But I'm hitting balls.

01:57:49.000 He's working on my game.

01:57:51.000 And he goes, I'm really a rapper.

01:57:52.000 And I was like, can I get a check, please?

01:57:54.000 It was one of those other...

01:57:56.000 I have a lot of, can I get a check, please, moments in my life.

01:58:00.000 And never really spoke to him again on a serious level.

01:58:04.000 But I was going to do The Tonight Show, and I knew that...

01:58:10.000 Oh, God damn, I can't believe it.

01:58:12.000 I can't think of his name.

01:58:13.000 My brain's been just skipping so bad today.

01:58:17.000 But anyway...

01:58:21.000 Who was it that was on that show?

01:58:23.000 One of the biggest rappers.

01:58:26.000 Kid Rock?

01:58:26.000 No, no, no.

01:58:27.000 Nas.

01:58:28.000 Black Guy, Been Around Forever.

01:58:29.000 Run DMC. Corn Rose.

01:58:32.000 Old Dirty Bastard.

01:58:33.000 No, fuck.

01:58:35.000 Corn Rose.

01:58:36.000 Been Around...

01:58:37.000 Jamie?

01:58:38.000 I'm looking, hold on a second.

01:58:39.000 You follow Black Twitter.

01:58:41.000 Help us out.

01:58:42.000 No, more famous than you can even imagine.

01:58:44.000 Lil Wayne, something like that?

01:58:45.000 No, even more famous than that.

01:58:46.000 I could find the day you're on.

01:58:47.000 I don't know.

01:58:48.000 More famous than Lil Wayne?

01:58:50.000 Yeah.

01:58:50.000 Jesus.

01:58:51.000 Yeah.

01:58:52.000 Kendrick Lamar?

01:58:53.000 Snoop Dogg.

01:58:54.000 Snoop Dogg, right.

01:58:55.000 Jesus Christ, you couldn't remember Snoop Dogg?

01:58:57.000 Fuck, I know.

01:58:58.000 Holy fuck.

01:58:59.000 You know what?

01:58:59.000 I thought it was like something obscure.

01:59:01.000 No, no, no.

01:59:02.000 I told you it wasn't.

01:59:03.000 I said famous.

01:59:03.000 More famous than you can imagine.

01:59:05.000 Snoop Dogg.

01:59:05.000 Well, that's about as famous as you can imagine.

01:59:07.000 So he gave me a CD and he said, could you just give this to Snoop Dogg?

01:59:12.000 And I was like, no.

01:59:15.000 As I put it in my pocket.

01:59:17.000 And I didn't, of course.

01:59:19.000 But my wife at the time, she was a 4.7 million wife.

01:59:27.000 LAUGHTER I said, it's really good.

01:59:30.000 She listened to it.

01:59:31.000 I never did.

01:59:32.000 And the next time I see him, he's on the cover of Polestar magazine.

01:59:36.000 And I'm like, really?

01:59:38.000 And so he would tour with these big country acts because he could teach them how to play golf.

01:59:44.000 And the crowds loved his fucking country rap.

01:59:47.000 And then a lot of these guys started implementing that in their songs, and it was all because of him.

01:59:53.000 And then he wrote some huge hits for other artists that had a rap country background to them.

02:00:01.000 Well, he created it.

02:00:03.000 And he ended up making a lot of money, but he was the pro.

02:00:07.000 Why was I telling you the story to begin with?

02:00:11.000 I don't remember.

02:00:12.000 Rapper.

02:00:13.000 Rapper.

02:00:13.000 Golf?

02:00:15.000 No, we had passed golf.

02:00:16.000 There's no way you could figure it out if I can't figure it out, because I was the one going there.

02:00:21.000 Dynamite Dickless Dave Dolan.

02:00:22.000 No.

02:00:23.000 Yeah, right?

02:00:24.000 Private Investigator.

02:00:25.000 Private Investigator.

02:00:26.000 Right.

02:00:27.000 But it was the other Jason.

02:00:28.000 It was the Private Investigator.

02:00:30.000 There were just two.

02:00:31.000 But one of them ended up being a...

02:00:33.000 Really, you know, really good-sized country act that made a lot of money in publishing.

02:00:39.000 And that was him.

02:00:40.000 And he was my assistant pro.

02:00:41.000 He still plays in all the Pebble Beach, AT&T stuff with Larry the Cable.

02:00:46.000 That's pretty wild.

02:00:47.000 Someone would be that good.

02:00:49.000 Yeah, no.

02:00:50.000 And he was, apparently.

02:00:51.000 I didn't give it a chance, you know.

02:00:53.000 And even to this day, I've never really...

02:00:55.000 Golf is one of those games where you can be ranked number 20th and be a multi-multi-millionaire.

02:01:02.000 Oh yeah, ridiculous.

02:01:04.000 Just balling out of control.

02:01:06.000 Most people don't even know who you are.

02:01:07.000 Yeah, the Eastlake's going on today, so the guy that wins this week, the prize purse is $15 million.

02:01:15.000 Where's that at?

02:01:16.000 Eastlake in Atlanta, Georgia.

02:01:18.000 Oh, okay.

02:01:19.000 I don't know.

02:01:19.000 You're saying it like I know.

02:01:21.000 Well, I'm saying it like I'm just telling you.

02:01:24.000 Eastlake.

02:01:24.000 Yeah, Eastlake.

02:01:25.000 Well, you know, okay.

02:01:26.000 Well, okay.

02:01:28.000 I'll give you that.

02:01:29.000 You don't know.

02:01:30.000 You don't know.

02:01:31.000 I agree.

02:01:31.000 I don't know anything.

02:01:32.000 I'm a professional sports commentator.

02:01:34.000 That's one of my side gigs.

02:01:35.000 And I don't even know the rules to most sports.

02:01:38.000 Yeah, you know, that's the weird thing is that people just think of you as famous.

02:01:43.000 I mean, my son was a huge Fear Factor fan the first, and then you came back and did Fear Factor.

02:01:48.000 We were just talking about it.

02:01:50.000 But a lot of people don't know you do the other thing, right?

02:01:53.000 Oh, the guy from MMA. But most people...

02:01:57.000 I would venture to say, don't know you do stand-up more than they know you do other things.

02:02:03.000 I just do so many things.

02:02:03.000 Of course, you're more famous.

02:02:05.000 The podcast is probably the most famous thing I'm for now.

02:02:08.000 Of course, of course.

02:02:09.000 Now, because it's gotten to this weird place.

02:02:13.000 Yeah, I do a lot of shit.

02:02:15.000 But I tell people, they're like, is he good?

02:02:17.000 I'm like, Rogan?

02:02:19.000 As a comic?

02:02:20.000 Because I only see you as a comic.

02:02:22.000 I don't see you as the voice of M.A. I don't see you as anything but a comedian.

02:02:28.000 Because that's what I watch you do.

02:02:30.000 I'll watch a fight, and I love it, if you're a comic.

02:02:33.000 If you're not...

02:02:34.000 It's not that interesting.

02:02:36.000 And we were talking about that earlier.

02:02:37.000 If Rogan doesn't say it, it's not worth saying.

02:02:40.000 Didn't he get heard in MAA? MAA. Mixed Marshall, MMA. I don't know.

02:02:47.000 I know what you're saying.

02:02:48.000 I'm telling you, I just don't know that much about it.

02:02:49.000 Like you don't know much about golf.

02:02:51.000 I don't know anything about golf.

02:02:52.000 All I know about Joe, the comic I watch go on stage at the store, And just ripped the gut out of these crowds.

02:03:00.000 And it's so much fun to watch that I don't really think about the rest of it.

02:03:03.000 Like I said, the first time I did your podcast, I had no idea.

02:03:06.000 Well, I like doing a lot of different things.

02:03:09.000 I don't think I'd be the same person.

02:03:10.000 I think I have a unique mental illness that I need to be constantly stimulated with different challenging things.

02:03:18.000 And if I'm not, then I make problems for myself.

02:03:22.000 Then addictions and weirdness.

02:03:25.000 I'm the person that needs to...

02:03:27.000 I need to have challenges all the time.

02:03:29.000 I need to have puzzles.

02:03:31.000 I need to have things to solve.

02:03:32.000 I need to have stuff to do.

02:03:34.000 That's my unique mental illness.

02:03:36.000 When someone says, why do you do so many things?

02:03:38.000 Because I like being happy.

02:03:40.000 I like being sane.

02:03:42.000 I just figured it out over time in my life that if I don't have things that challenge me, like if I don't get up early and work out, if I don't do something that's hard to do, I'm not the guy.

02:03:53.000 I can't sit around.

02:03:54.000 See, none of that shit bothers me.

02:03:57.000 I can wake up with nothing to do every day.

02:04:01.000 That's why I've settled into this retirement.

02:04:03.000 I've got to tell you, I've not hated the last six months of my life when I had nothing to do at all.

02:04:09.000 This is the first thing I had scheduled to do in a half a year.

02:04:14.000 And I was a little resentful of it this morning.

02:04:17.000 It was raining.

02:04:18.000 I'm like, I've got to go do something.

02:04:20.000 I've got to go do something.

02:04:21.000 That's the first time I made a commitment.

02:04:23.000 So if I tell you I'll do it, of course I'll do it.

02:04:24.000 I'll get there early.

02:04:26.000 You were here.

02:04:27.000 Yeah, days early.

02:04:29.000 A week.

02:04:30.000 But outside of that, I've enjoyed this time off.

02:04:36.000 But I'm also older.

02:04:37.000 I'm older and I'm at a retiring age that I've kind of settled into it going, this is not that bad.

02:04:46.000 My wife taught me how to go on vacations.

02:04:48.000 I wasn't good at it.

02:04:50.000 I needed to learn how to just accept the fact that I was just not going to do anything and just have fun and be on the beach and just drink and just relax and just swim and do whatever the fuck you do on beaches.

02:05:02.000 But I've gotten good at it now.

02:05:04.000 Apparently I'm better at it than you.

02:05:08.000 I'm better at it now.

02:05:09.000 I'm a beginner.

02:05:11.000 I used to think of it as like losing time.

02:05:13.000 I see some pictures of you and McGraw out in Cabo with no shirts on going, what the fuck's going on here?

02:05:20.000 Having fun.

02:05:21.000 Well, you know what?

02:05:22.000 I learned how to relax.

02:05:26.000 I used to think that if I took time off, I was losing progress.

02:05:31.000 This is how psycho I am.

02:05:32.000 I'm like, I'm losing.

02:05:34.000 I'm losing.

02:05:34.000 I'm going to get out of shape.

02:05:37.000 My martial arts is going to slip.

02:05:38.000 My comedy is going to slip.

02:05:41.000 I'm not going to be doing podcasts.

02:05:43.000 That's going to slip.

02:05:44.000 I had this sickness that way.

02:05:47.000 Then I realized...

02:05:49.000 The happier and the healthier I am as a person, the better I am at all those other things.

02:05:55.000 So the more time I'm hanging out and just having fun, if I can do that and just recharge, then when I come back, I'm better.

02:06:02.000 So every time I've come back from a vacation, I've been more enthusiastic.

02:06:06.000 When I'm more enthusiastic, I'm always better at everything I do because there's more positive energy, more appreciation, you know?

02:06:14.000 Right.

02:06:14.000 That's how I look at it.

02:06:17.000 So I haven't hated this time off.

02:06:19.000 I don't like what's going on with the country.

02:06:21.000 I hate what's going on with the country.

02:06:23.000 I miss the days when people could just disagree.

02:06:25.000 Yeah.

02:06:26.000 I miss those days.

02:06:27.000 Isn't that the truth?

02:06:28.000 I miss those days.

02:06:28.000 Where we can all go privately into a voting booth.

02:06:30.000 Vote for who we vote for.

02:06:32.000 And the next day we wake up and see who's president.

02:06:35.000 And no fight was necessary.

02:06:37.000 We all did what we were put here to do, which was to go vote.

02:06:42.000 And after that you just accept it and go on.

02:06:46.000 Change what you can if you can.

02:06:47.000 If you can't, just fucking go on with it.

02:06:50.000 I haven't hated it either.

02:06:52.000 But also, like you, I'm probably a little further along in life that I'm like, I really feel like I did so much of it.

02:07:03.000 Maybe that was enough.

02:07:04.000 But if you're going to build a fucking ranch and I get two acres and a mule and a motherfucking...

02:07:11.000 I'll give you two mules.

02:07:12.000 Two mules, four acres.

02:07:14.000 You heard it.

02:07:15.000 Write it down.

02:07:15.000 Everybody write it down.

02:07:16.000 Four acres.

02:07:17.000 Whatever you want.

02:07:18.000 Whatever you want.

02:07:19.000 We'll make it happen.

02:07:20.000 I want a plow with a seat on it.

02:07:22.000 That's what I want.

02:07:23.000 I want a plow with a seat.

02:07:24.000 That's what I want.

02:07:25.000 The idea is just to do something crazy and have fun.

02:07:29.000 And I've already done that by moving out here.

02:07:31.000 And just packing up.

02:07:33.000 That was a bizarre move, dude.

02:07:35.000 That was a bizarre move.

02:07:38.000 I like bizarre moves.

02:07:40.000 Don't let Joe think he can't still surprise you.

02:07:44.000 I like doing things you're not supposed to do.

02:07:47.000 I like doing things like this.

02:07:49.000 Just fucking pack up the whole thing and doing it right when we're moving to Spotify.

02:07:54.000 So it's this big crazy deal and then there's all this controversy behind that.

02:07:59.000 Looks like a tax dodge.

02:08:03.000 There's a little bit of that, for sure.

02:08:05.000 I definitely don't like paying that much in taxes.

02:08:08.000 I can't tell you how surprised and thrilled I was to hear you were going to move to Austin and be my neighbor, because I'm out of LA. I'm selling the house and Beverly Hills.

02:08:23.000 And I'm like, oh good, this is going to work out fine.

02:08:26.000 We're going to have fun out here, man.

02:08:27.000 We can have a lot of fun out here.

02:08:29.000 I really think so.

02:08:30.000 I like your vision of the Austin comedy scene to come.

02:08:34.000 And you know what?

02:08:34.000 There's also a lot of really good stand-up comics in Austin.

02:08:37.000 For sure.

02:08:38.000 Always have been.

02:08:38.000 And they flourish at these open mic nights.

02:08:42.000 And I know that they're listening to this conversation right now going...

02:08:45.000 I want to help them.

02:08:46.000 I want to get my five years in and get my acres in.

02:08:49.000 Yeah.

02:08:52.000 I really do.

02:08:53.000 I want to help them.

02:08:54.000 I want to help them the way I've tried to help a lot of up-and-coming comics in LA. Get them on the podcast.

02:09:00.000 Promote them.

02:09:00.000 The idea is, if we open up a club, when we open up a club, I should say, is to have these local guys come in.

02:09:08.000 Pump them up.

02:09:08.000 Let people know.

02:09:09.000 Let people know there's a real scene here.

02:09:11.000 Oh, they're there.

02:09:12.000 Yeah, and help them.

02:09:13.000 Help them flourish.

02:09:15.000 Not just Austin Comics, but everywhere.

02:09:18.000 You know, bring them into this place and have this be a hub.

02:09:21.000 The only reason why LA is a hub is because of A, the Comedy Store, and B, Hollywood.

02:09:26.000 And I came to Hollywood because I had a TV deal, but really what I wanted was to be at the store.

02:09:33.000 That was mecca to me.

02:09:34.000 I had heard about it when I was in Boston, but when I came to the Comedy Store in 94, it was a shithole.

02:09:40.000 I mean, the comics are terrible.

02:09:42.000 Every now and then, Martin Lawrence would show up, or Damon Wayans, or Dom Herrera, or Dice Clay.

02:09:47.000 But for the most part, it was a lot of bodacks.

02:09:50.000 It was a disaster.

02:09:51.000 There was a lot of people that just had old, terrible jokes.

02:09:55.000 I was like, this is the store?

02:09:57.000 It was very disappointing.

02:09:59.000 But the place itself drew people.

02:10:02.000 It drew people there.

02:10:04.000 You knew that that was the place where the real comics went, and they made a career out of it.

02:10:08.000 But this world is different now.

02:10:11.000 For a comic, if you get a television show, it's actually like, oh, you poor bastard.

02:10:15.000 You could have had a podcast.

02:10:17.000 You could have been okay.

02:10:18.000 You could have been your own boss.

02:10:21.000 And now a lot of comics are realizing they don't even want ads anymore.

02:10:24.000 They just want to do Patreon.

02:10:25.000 They want to just have podcasts and put them out either for free and get YouTube ads.

02:10:31.000 There's a lot of people trying to figure out what's the best way to be free.

02:10:35.000 But for sure the best way to be free is not to be connected to the Hollywood machine.

02:10:39.000 Because the Hollywood machine is all woke now and it's completely ridiculous and everyone's full of shit.

02:10:44.000 We're not actors, man.

02:10:45.000 We're different things.

02:10:47.000 You know, it's cats and dogs living together.

02:10:49.000 We're fucking different things.

02:10:50.000 You know, we can act.

02:10:51.000 We can do it.

02:10:52.000 We both have.

02:10:54.000 But the reality is you're a comic.

02:10:55.000 I'm a stand-up comedian.

02:10:56.000 Yes.

02:10:57.000 And I am as well.

02:10:58.000 And there's a lot of us.

02:10:59.000 There's a lot of us.

02:11:00.000 And we don't need that machine.

02:11:02.000 What we need is a machine that we create ourselves.

02:11:04.000 And we did that a lot.

02:11:06.000 One of the reasons why the store worked so well over the last few years is because it was fueled by podcasts.

02:11:10.000 Yep, fueled by podcasts.

02:11:12.000 And fueled by everybody.

02:11:13.000 I would tell people, hey, you've got to see this kid Frank Castillo.

02:11:16.000 He's hilarious.

02:11:17.000 Tony Hinchcliffe, this guy's coming up.

02:11:19.000 Joey Diaz, the funniest guy ever.

02:11:20.000 Ron White's the baddest motherfucker that ever lived.

02:11:22.000 All these people.

02:11:23.000 And we would all talk about these people and tell these crazy stories.

02:11:26.000 And then everybody would remember and then they would come.

02:11:29.000 They had international tourism to the comedy store.

02:11:32.000 People were flying in from Ireland and Australia.

02:11:36.000 And they should have been.

02:11:37.000 Right?

02:11:38.000 Because that's how good those shows were.

02:11:39.000 They would come in on a Tuesday and see one of the craziest lineups you've ever seen in your fucking life.

02:11:43.000 Yeah, when I was in one, and you've got a million of these stories, and it was you and Louis C.K. and Bill Burr and...

02:11:53.000 Madness!

02:11:54.000 And me and...

02:11:59.000 It was just crazy.

02:12:01.000 Joey Diaz.

02:12:03.000 Madness.

02:12:03.000 Just fucking crazy.

02:12:05.000 Madness.

02:12:05.000 In one show for $14?

02:12:08.000 That's madness!

02:12:09.000 Do you know how much it would cost to put on that show out at the ranch?

02:12:12.000 Nothing.

02:12:12.000 Zero.

02:12:14.000 We're doing it for charity at the ranch.

02:12:16.000 Charity.

02:12:18.000 The idea is to do something at the ranch where you build a theater, do concerts for charity, and then have a club in town.

02:12:25.000 Yeah.

02:12:26.000 Oh!

02:12:26.000 A satellite club!

02:12:28.000 A lot of these places on 6th Street are going to go under, unfortunately.

02:12:31.000 Unfortunately.

02:12:32.000 There's a lot of places that are going to go under because no one can work.

02:12:35.000 I would love it if they all stayed open, but some of them are not going to be able to, and so we'll scoop one of those up.

02:12:41.000 Yeah, there's going to be opportunities for you to put something in this town that'll matter.

02:12:46.000 And let me make a promise to you, my brother.

02:12:48.000 I'll be there to support it, you know?

02:12:50.000 Woo!

02:12:50.000 Even if I don't tour anymore, I'll come do the club.

02:12:54.000 Isn't this exciting talking about this?

02:12:56.000 Really?

02:12:56.000 You know, fuck it is.

02:12:57.000 Fuck it is.

02:12:58.000 It's exciting, right?

02:12:59.000 Yes, that's why I'm here.

02:13:00.000 I like exciting things.

02:13:02.000 All the things I'm interested in are exciting.

02:13:05.000 I like bow hunting.

02:13:06.000 I like stand-up comedy.

02:13:07.000 I like fighting.

02:13:08.000 All these things are exciting things.

02:13:09.000 I like exciting things.

02:13:11.000 And I think I can do something here that's exciting.

02:13:13.000 I like smoking pot and watching cartoons and doing stand-up.

02:13:16.000 I like smoking pot and freaking out.

02:13:18.000 That's what I like.

02:13:19.000 I like getting nervous.

02:13:20.000 I do.

02:13:21.000 One of my favorite things about smoking pot is being paranoid.

02:13:24.000 The thing that people get terrified of and they run away from, it's one of my favorite parts of being high.

02:13:29.000 I was nervous about coming and doing this show today.

02:13:32.000 Really?

02:13:32.000 Yeah.

02:13:33.000 Why?

02:13:33.000 I was telling my son, I said, I don't know.

02:13:36.000 I haven't felt nervous.

02:13:37.000 I can walk on stage at Radio City Music Hall.

02:13:39.000 It doesn't...

02:13:42.000 Flutter my butt, and it's what I do, and I'm ready to do it, prepared to do it.

02:13:45.000 And I haven't even thought about interacting with anybody for half a fucking year, you know?

02:13:50.000 And so, you know, it's your new place, and you're in town.

02:13:55.000 But he goes, Daddy's your friend.

02:13:57.000 He'll pull you right on through to the other side, which, of course, you know.

02:14:00.000 We did.

02:14:00.000 We already threw the other side.

02:14:02.000 It's already 315. We're beautiful.

02:14:04.000 It's beautiful.

02:14:05.000 Perfect.

02:14:06.000 It's wonderful.

02:14:07.000 We're COVID tested?

02:14:08.000 You're clean as fuck?

02:14:09.000 Yeah, you know what?

02:14:10.000 The funny thing is that I took the antibody test and then the nose swab.

02:14:15.000 And so the antibody test said, you've never had it, but you might have it.

02:14:20.000 So I had to do the nose swab.

02:14:21.000 So I went over two days.

02:14:23.000 But the nose swab, the thing about the antibody test is there's two indicators.

02:14:26.000 One of them is whether or not your body is currently fighting the virus.

02:14:29.000 Right.

02:14:29.000 So one is whether or not you beat the virus, and one whether you're currently fighting the virus.

02:14:33.000 So you know you're not currently fighting the virus.

02:14:34.000 I feel good.

02:14:35.000 So according to the doctors, a very low possibility that you have it, and then we eliminate that with the swab.

02:14:41.000 Right.

02:14:42.000 But not before you and I hug.

02:14:44.000 I don't give a fuck.

02:14:44.000 I take vitamin D. I'll give you a hug.

02:14:47.000 You can be coughing.

02:14:47.000 I'll give you a hug.

02:14:48.000 Right.

02:14:49.000 I've been coughing a little bit.

02:14:51.000 I'll just quarantine myself for a couple weeks and eat vitamin D gummies.

02:14:55.000 Right.

02:14:56.000 All right.

02:14:56.000 Tell me which vitamin D you want me to take.

02:14:58.000 I just want you to take 5,000 IUs a day minimum.

02:15:02.000 That's what you should be taking.

02:15:03.000 It's not that much.

02:15:04.000 I have these vitamin D gummies that I chew all the time.

02:15:08.000 I think you take three of them.

02:15:09.000 It's 5,000 IUs.

02:15:10.000 It's not a big deal.

02:15:11.000 They're small gummies.

02:15:12.000 They taste good.

02:15:12.000 It's easy to do.

02:15:14.000 Is there any carbs in them because I'm watching my carbs?

02:15:16.000 There's probably like one gram of carbs.

02:15:18.000 No, they're probably gelatin.

02:15:21.000 That's horse hoof, right?

02:15:22.000 Yeah, it's basically fingernails and hair.

02:15:27.000 It's good for you.

02:15:28.000 Protein.

02:15:29.000 Collagen.

02:15:30.000 Yeah, not bad for you.

02:15:32.000 So, I mean, a good relationship.

02:15:34.000 I really like you.

02:15:35.000 I know.

02:15:36.000 You tell me.

02:15:36.000 We'll go out to eat one day next week.

02:15:38.000 That's exciting.

02:15:38.000 Yeah, it is.

02:15:39.000 It really is.

02:15:39.000 That's exciting.

02:15:39.000 Because you're always in these train wrecks.

02:15:41.000 Right.

02:15:43.000 She's really, really pretty.

02:15:45.000 She's my age.

02:15:48.000 I think that's important.

02:15:50.000 Yeah, I've never chased young women, right?

02:15:53.000 It's too much work.

02:15:54.000 It's too much work.

02:15:55.000 But she came down, we started hanging out in the COVID thing, but we'd seen each other before.

02:16:03.000 And one night we'd go out to Eddie V's and we had this really nice table.

02:16:08.000 Eddie V's is great.

02:16:09.000 Oh, I love it.

02:16:10.000 Yeah, I love Eddie V's.

02:16:10.000 That's a great old school place.

02:16:11.000 Yeah, right.

02:16:12.000 So we have this really cool table in the bar that seats two people.

02:16:15.000 It's really cool.

02:16:16.000 I'll show you the seat.

02:16:17.000 You'll take your wife there on a big night.

02:16:21.000 And she's got a long black dress.

02:16:23.000 I'm wearing a jacket.

02:16:25.000 We go back to my condo, which is a really nice penthouse with these gorgeous views.

02:16:34.000 Her son was a grappler.

02:16:39.000 And her grandson is a grappler.

02:16:42.000 And she was a gymnast.

02:16:45.000 And she said, for whatever reason...

02:16:49.000 She wanted to fight?

02:16:50.000 I think I can take you down.

02:16:51.000 Oh no.

02:16:52.000 And of course...

02:16:53.000 That's how you break a hip.

02:16:54.000 I laughed so hard that I couldn't...

02:16:57.000 She probably could have taken me down because she's 5'1".

02:17:02.000 She's a gymnast, right?

02:17:03.000 She's a little bitty.

02:17:05.000 And I said, no, I would never ever hurt you for any reason, so if you want to come beat me up, come beat me up.

02:17:13.000 But if I didn't care about hurting you, I could throw you into that table because you're little and I'm big, right?

02:17:22.000 Right.

02:17:22.000 Then she attacked me.

02:17:24.000 Ha!

02:17:25.000 And she did.

02:17:26.000 She came at me, shoved me back.

02:17:28.000 And I mean, a gymnast that does uneven parallel bars?

02:17:33.000 Strong.

02:17:34.000 Like a chimp.

02:17:35.000 Like a fucking chimp monkey.

02:17:37.000 She was on me, in my center, legs spread, fucking pushing me back.

02:17:42.000 And I was like, from now on, I'm only going to fuck women I could kill.

02:17:49.000 That's all I'm going to do.

02:17:51.000 I'm going to say, let's determine whether or not I can...

02:17:54.000 I'm never going to do it right.

02:17:55.000 I would never hurt a woman.

02:17:57.000 But I would like to have the option, if they went nuts and just jumped my ass, to be able to fucking beat it off and live and provide and all those things that a man needs to do.

02:18:10.000 I got a buddy of mine who got obsessed with jiu-jitsu when he dated a girl who was a black belt.

02:18:14.000 And they sparred and she tapped him easily.

02:18:17.000 And he was like, what the fuck?

02:18:19.000 So he became obsessed with it.

02:18:21.000 Because his girlfriend fucked him up.

02:18:24.000 Right?

02:18:25.000 Defending himself, right?

02:18:26.000 Well, jiu-jitsu is one of the rare martial arts where a woman really can kill you.

02:18:32.000 Like, 100% legit.

02:18:34.000 You know what?

02:18:35.000 It's the same reason I don't have a pet lion.

02:18:37.000 Yeah.

02:18:38.000 I just don't need it in my house.

02:18:40.000 I understand.

02:18:41.000 Right?

02:18:41.000 I don't need it in my house.

02:18:43.000 Yeah, I get it.

02:18:43.000 Don't take it the wrong way, ladies.

02:18:45.000 I'm just saying.

02:18:46.000 Yeah.

02:18:47.000 All those killer ladies out there are like, fuck!

02:18:49.000 Right.

02:18:50.000 What?

02:18:50.000 What's wrong with me?

02:18:51.000 I thought I had them.

02:18:52.000 I'll tell you.

02:18:53.000 No.

02:18:54.000 No.

02:18:55.000 Planted on cornering them.

02:18:56.000 Right.

02:18:56.000 I mean, I know that you can still Sharon Bobbitt my ass, right?

02:19:00.000 You can still wait till I fall asleep.

02:19:01.000 Lorena.

02:19:02.000 Right, Lorena Bobbitt.

02:19:03.000 Was it Lorena?

02:19:04.000 Lorena Bobbitt.

02:19:04.000 Yeah, John Bobbitt and Lorena Bobbitt.

02:19:06.000 She cut off his dick.

02:19:07.000 Yeah, cut his dick off while he was sleeping.

02:19:09.000 And then he stitched it back on and did porn.

02:19:10.000 Right.

02:19:12.000 How good was that sewing job?

02:19:14.000 Not good.

02:19:15.000 Like about how good I would sew it up.

02:19:17.000 Oh, really?

02:19:18.000 It didn't look good?

02:19:18.000 I didn't see it.

02:19:20.000 You know what?

02:19:20.000 You guys go down the rabbit hole.

02:19:22.000 You look at the video.

02:19:23.000 I don't do any of that stuff.

02:19:25.000 I watch porn on my fucking iPad.

02:19:28.000 That's all I do.

02:19:28.000 I don't go any deeper than that.

02:19:30.000 This was pre-Viagra porn, too.

02:19:32.000 It didn't look that good to begin with.

02:19:34.000 No, and it never really got hard.

02:19:35.000 It was just a mess.

02:19:37.000 She sliced it off and threw it on the side of the road, and they had to wait a while before they found it.

02:19:42.000 And then they had to dust the dirt off of it.

02:19:45.000 Darkness.

02:19:46.000 Darkness.

02:19:47.000 Right.

02:19:47.000 I just don't need that in my life.

02:19:49.000 I don't need it in my life either.

02:19:51.000 But I've had it in my life.

02:19:52.000 I've seen a lot of things I shouldn't have seen.

02:19:54.000 But if someone sends me a link, I'm like, alright.

02:19:57.000 You're going in.

02:19:58.000 Let's see.

02:19:59.000 Let's see what's up.

02:20:01.000 Somebody was over the house.

02:20:02.000 No, it wasn't.

02:20:03.000 I was at the radio station in New York.

02:20:06.000 And the guy's showing me, he got a video of a guy fucking a snake.

02:20:10.000 And I'm like, okay.

02:20:13.000 Oh my god.

02:20:14.000 Alright.

02:20:14.000 Can I get a check?

02:20:16.000 Please!

02:20:16.000 Fucking a snake's mouth?

02:20:17.000 That's gonna be the name of my next album.

02:20:18.000 Like the mouth?

02:20:19.000 No.

02:20:20.000 Or the asshole?

02:20:20.000 No, the check...

02:20:22.000 The snake pussy.

02:20:23.000 He's got a big anaconda.

02:20:26.000 Okay, I'm sorry I even said it.

02:20:28.000 I'm sorry I've said it.

02:20:31.000 He's fucking a snake.

02:20:32.000 Can you pull that up?

02:20:34.000 I can.

02:20:34.000 I'm sure I could.

02:20:36.000 Let's not show it, but let me just show you.

02:20:38.000 I guarantee you there's many people before him that have done the same thing.

02:20:41.000 People just go down the Q-hole, rat hole.

02:20:45.000 Yeah, they definitely do.

02:20:47.000 If you can name it, there's a guy who's fucked it.

02:20:50.000 Oh, yeah.

02:20:51.000 Blenders.

02:20:52.000 Guys that fuck blenders.

02:20:53.000 Yeah, I know, right.

02:20:54.000 Guys that fuck tables, chairs.

02:20:56.000 Right, that's why I hate those.

02:20:57.000 Bowling balls.

02:20:58.000 Anyway, that doesn't matter.

02:20:59.000 I'm not going to go there.

02:21:00.000 I get it.

02:21:00.000 But that's the problem with the internet is you find out that, I mean, everybody knows someone who's a fucking moron, but you don't realize how many of them there are until you really go online and start searching.

02:21:10.000 You know, I was sitting in, I was having this place worked on, or I was staying down at the Van Zandt, has some people come up, comics that I've known for years.

02:21:20.000 And one of them starts telling me a story about Hillary Clinton and her pedophile ring.

02:21:26.000 And I'm like, what?

02:21:27.000 And this was probably three years ago.

02:21:30.000 And how the pedophiles, the far left, right, left wing, there's a pedophile thing.

02:21:38.000 And I'm like, what are you talking about?

02:21:41.000 And it was early QAnon stuff.

02:21:44.000 It was those same conspiracy theories that are coming out now.

02:21:47.000 I was hearing those three years ago, and I thought it was just one person.

02:21:51.000 I mean, where'd you go to learn this behavior?

02:21:55.000 You know, all behaviors learned, right?

02:21:57.000 For sure.

02:21:58.000 We're all a product of our environment.

02:21:59.000 Like, what environment did you put yourself in that made you think that this is true?

02:22:04.000 When, you know, the other day, There were four of us playing golf, and all four phones hit an amber alert at the same second.

02:22:15.000 And everybody knew exactly what it is.

02:22:18.000 We picked it up, and I'm like, there's a missing kid somewhere.

02:22:21.000 And that's a beautiful fucking thing, right?

02:22:24.000 But now there's these pedophile rings and Tom Hanks is a...

02:22:30.000 What the fuck?

02:22:32.000 I don't think the Tom Hanks thing is true.

02:22:34.000 I think there's a lot of people that are just really dumb and they get involved in conspiracy theories and they believe everything and there's a lot of people out there that are sowing misinformation and there's a bunch of Russian trolls and bot accounts and a lot of chaos and sowing seeds of doubt in our democracy and life in general and trying to tell you that All the elites are fucking lizard people that are running things behind closed doors with Satan.

02:22:57.000 But for sure, there's guys out there that have fucked a lot of young girls.

02:23:01.000 That's for sure.

02:23:02.000 And that's what that Epstein shit's all about.

02:23:05.000 And that's what's so spooky about it was that it's prominent politicians and scientists and celebrities and they all flew out to fuck Ireland.

02:23:12.000 And it's real.

02:23:13.000 And then when the guy's in custody...

02:23:16.000 With fucking security cameras and the whole deal, he hangs himself in a way that's physically impossible.

02:23:24.000 Yeah.

02:23:25.000 Yeah, and everybody's like, well, no more need for further investigation.

02:23:29.000 It's unnecessary.

02:23:31.000 If it was anybody else...

02:23:33.000 Involved in any other thing, and they died in that way, we would look deeply into it.

02:23:37.000 But they basically just tried to let it go, passing the news cycle to the point where no one's thinking about it anymore.

02:23:44.000 Well, you know, the interview that Prince, Andrew Wright, was there.

02:23:49.000 Did you see that interview when they were interviewing him?

02:23:51.000 And the reason he thought he could pull that off is because for years he's been royalty, right?

02:23:55.000 So everybody around him were just yes men.

02:23:57.000 So he's got footmen and whatever, and they're all going, oh, exactly right, sir.

02:24:01.000 Oh, no, I can't believe someone would make these kind of accusations against you.

02:24:05.000 That seems like perfectly normal behavior to me.

02:24:09.000 How are you?

02:24:11.000 But it turns out the news people weren't those people at all.

02:24:14.000 Right.

02:24:15.000 And how do you not see that coming, you idiot motherfucker?

02:24:17.000 Because he's an idiot motherfucker.

02:24:19.000 The only reason why he's in that position at all is because one of his uncles fucked one of his aunts.

02:24:24.000 Yeah, right.

02:24:25.000 Blah, blah, blah.

02:24:26.000 And then there you are.

02:24:27.000 I mean, it's a bloodline thing.

02:24:29.000 It's not like an earned position because you've really worked really hard to get there.

02:24:33.000 You don't become a prince because you've...

02:24:34.000 Kicked ass.

02:24:35.000 You're right.

02:24:36.000 You kicked Prince ass for years.

02:24:39.000 You didn't even get a PhD in princedom.

02:24:41.000 No, you just became a prince.

02:24:43.000 For your whole life, man.

02:24:46.000 Absolutely, sir.

02:24:47.000 How about that Prince Harry and Meghan Markle?

02:24:49.000 Isn't that crazy?

02:24:50.000 It's crazy that it's on the newsfeed Every fucking day.

02:24:53.000 It's important.

02:24:54.000 Everything they do.

02:24:55.000 It's important.

02:24:56.000 It's important to everyone.

02:24:57.000 They left the castle.

02:24:58.000 We have to go.

02:24:59.000 Why did they do it?

02:25:00.000 Are they crazy?

02:25:01.000 I can tell you why they did it.

02:25:03.000 They left the kingdom.

02:25:05.000 Because there's no way you could bring an outsider into that world and have them do anything.

02:25:10.000 Oh, they signed a megawatt Netflix deal.

02:25:13.000 I bet they did.

02:25:14.000 Netflix.

02:25:15.000 What are you doing?

02:25:16.000 Huh?

02:25:16.000 What are you doing?

02:25:16.000 Haven't you learned Netflix?

02:25:17.000 You've made some big boo-boos.

02:25:19.000 Stop it.

02:25:20.000 Netflix, if you're thinking about making decisions like this, call me up first.

02:25:23.000 Me?

02:25:23.000 No.

02:25:24.000 I'm talking to Netflix.

02:25:25.000 Oh.

02:25:25.000 I'll get them high, and I'll pull them aside and go, listen, this is not going to work.

02:25:29.000 You're going to spend a lot of money.

02:25:30.000 Right.

02:25:30.000 No one gives a fuck.

02:25:31.000 It's not going to work.

02:25:31.000 Buy another Ron White special.

02:25:34.000 That's what I'm talking about.

02:25:35.000 What these people are is like, they're good for snippets in the news.

02:25:39.000 They're good for, you look in the Google News feed, like, what are they doing?

02:25:41.000 Oh, they're extradited from the kingdom?

02:25:44.000 No one cares about them anymore?

02:25:45.000 I think you're 100% wrong.

02:25:48.000 I think that people will watch this crap.

02:25:52.000 No matter how bad it is, if it's connected to this guy and this woman, people will watch it and they will continue to fucking go, oh my, look at the Kardashians.

02:26:03.000 You know, they're not a talent one in any of those people.

02:26:07.000 Wait a minute.

02:26:07.000 Did you watch her sex tape?

02:26:08.000 Huh?

02:26:09.000 You're talking all this shit.

02:26:10.000 Did you watch her sex tape?

02:26:11.000 No.

02:26:12.000 Well, you should have.

02:26:13.000 Then you wouldn't be saying she doesn't have any talent.

02:26:16.000 Really?

02:26:16.000 Was it good?

02:26:17.000 It was very good.

02:26:17.000 Oh, was it?

02:26:18.000 Yeah.

02:26:19.000 Enthusiastic.

02:26:20.000 I watched that Paris Hilton lame little...

02:26:23.000 I think that family, all bullshit aside, no jokes, is the mother is very skillful in the way she's managed them.

02:26:33.000 That's what it is.

02:26:34.000 Well, something's genius about it because nothing works better than this.

02:26:38.000 You know, I was doing a show at the Mirage, and they had that little Kardashian t-shirt shop right there.

02:26:47.000 Do you remember that?

02:26:49.000 One of the ones you haven't even heard of was going to be there, and there was a line 300 yards long to get into this what's now a soap shop.

02:26:59.000 And I walked by that.

02:27:00.000 That's where I work.

02:27:01.000 I'm there 10 weekends a year, more than anybody.

02:27:04.000 And that's my place.

02:27:05.000 And I stay in a villa right back there.

02:27:07.000 And one day I walk in there, I'm just looking around the Kardashians to see what they got.

02:27:11.000 They got towels with Kim's likeness and stuff on it.

02:27:14.000 And they said, sir, you can't come in here with a beverage.

02:27:18.000 I'm like, when do you think I'm going to spill a Coke on your towel?

02:27:21.000 Okay, I think you can probably...

02:27:23.000 But anyway, they made me leave and...

02:27:26.000 They fucking made me leave.

02:27:27.000 They made me leave.

02:27:28.000 Quite frankly.

02:27:29.000 Well, they've figured out a way to keep people interested and keep people talking about them.

02:27:36.000 Yeah.

02:27:36.000 I just got through doing it.

02:27:38.000 That's how good they are.

02:27:39.000 I just got through doing it.

02:27:40.000 Yeah, we're helping them.

02:27:42.000 But here's the thing about Kim.

02:27:44.000 She's done some legitimate, amazing work in getting people out of jail that were wrongly accused.

02:27:50.000 That's why I don't make fun of her anymore, except that thing I said about her sex tape.

02:27:53.000 But other than that...

02:27:54.000 I thought you were saying something really nice about her sex tape.

02:27:57.000 You weren't dissonant.

02:27:58.000 Thank you.

02:27:58.000 You were saying that she can go at it.

02:28:01.000 Thank you very much.

02:28:02.000 But she's really done a lot of legitimate good to help people get released from prison that were wrongly accused.

02:28:08.000 Well, you know what?

02:28:09.000 The problem that I have is sometimes I talk about things and I don't know jack shit about them.

02:28:13.000 I just make up a...

02:28:15.000 Funny thing to say in my head.

02:28:17.000 And then later I end up going, well, fuck, really?

02:28:19.000 I didn't know she did that.

02:28:20.000 Me too.

02:28:20.000 But I did.

02:28:21.000 I saw the woman that she helped get out of prison, and I thought that was a...

02:28:26.000 Yeah.

02:28:27.000 We've had a couple guys from the Innocence Project on here.

02:28:29.000 I love the Innocence Project.

02:28:30.000 I love that series.

02:28:32.000 No, it's amazing.

02:28:33.000 What a douchebag.

02:28:34.000 That guy that was doing the Toothmite fucking...

02:28:37.000 What is that guy?

02:28:39.000 It was on that.

02:28:40.000 He was convicting people from tooth...

02:28:43.000 Oh, tooth bites.

02:28:44.000 Yeah.

02:28:45.000 It doesn't work.

02:28:45.000 But there wasn't a bottom imprint.

02:28:47.000 And he was sending them to prison and let the other guy that was killing kids go free.

02:28:51.000 Yeah.

02:28:52.000 Did you see that?

02:28:52.000 It was a good one.

02:28:54.000 Well, Josh Dubin, who's one of the guys who's been on this podcast before, he has a podcast called Junk Science...

02:29:02.000 It's about the Innocence Project, about wrongly convicted people because of junk science, about bite marks.

02:29:10.000 There it is.

02:29:12.000 Wrongful conviction, junk science, bite mark evidence.

02:29:14.000 This is Josh Dubin, who's been on the podcast before.

02:29:18.000 That guy made me cry like a baby, telling me some stories about people getting out of jail that were wrongly convicted.

02:29:23.000 I wasn't trying to make you cry, but I could have.

02:29:25.000 But I just chose not to.

02:29:27.000 I'm taking it a different direction.

02:29:29.000 Why are you threatening me?

02:29:30.000 I'm not threatening you, Joe.

02:29:31.000 I'm just saying that if I wanted to make you cry right here in public...

02:29:35.000 Like you were crying that night at the improv, and I was wiping your tears on my do-rag.

02:29:40.000 Tell me about Austin.

02:29:42.000 Where am I gonna go?

02:29:43.000 I'm gonna come with me.

02:29:44.000 I don't know if I can live in Texas, but I have to move everything!

02:29:48.000 I'd have to move, but it's too hard!

02:29:50.000 I'll be there.

02:29:51.000 I was all in, dude.

02:29:52.000 I was so fucking thrilled.

02:29:55.000 You heard the news coming out of my fucking voice the day I found out that Joe was coming to town.

02:30:01.000 And then I write, you know what, I knew Jay was coming, but I don't know if he's really coming.

02:30:06.000 I talked him into it.

02:30:08.000 Nobody's selling their property over there.

02:30:10.000 They're just getting a place over here.

02:30:12.000 He'll sell his property there eventually.

02:30:13.000 I'm like, come on, man.

02:30:14.000 What about you?

02:30:15.000 Are you going to sell the place?

02:30:16.000 I'll sell my place.

02:30:16.000 Yeah, I think I'm staying here.

02:30:19.000 I like it a lot.

02:30:20.000 I felt real comfortable real quick.

02:30:23.000 Real quick.

02:30:23.000 I've only been here a little over a week.

02:30:25.000 I fucking love it.

02:30:26.000 Right, right.

02:30:26.000 You're brand new.

02:30:27.000 You're new to me.

02:30:28.000 And look, I already got a studio.

02:30:30.000 I'm all set up.

02:30:31.000 You got a badass studio, dude.

02:30:33.000 I got jet skis.

02:30:33.000 I think you could have built it in an Airstream.

02:30:36.000 You know, it saved the money.

02:30:37.000 Could have, right?

02:30:39.000 It moved it around.

02:30:40.000 I feel like this is a better spot for me.

02:30:44.000 And again, it's like practicing what I preach.

02:30:46.000 I don't think we need to be connected to that machine out there, that Hollywood machine.

02:30:49.000 Well, we know you don't.

02:30:51.000 Nobody does.

02:30:52.000 Right?

02:30:52.000 Because it's a bandwidth, right?

02:30:54.000 It's the same thing.

02:30:55.000 You could do it from anywhere.

02:30:56.000 It's that.

02:30:57.000 You could do it from anywhere, but it's also what really serves the comics.

02:31:01.000 What really serves the comics is the podcast industry.

02:31:03.000 The podcast industry goes where the podcasters go.

02:31:07.000 So let's bring them all here.

02:31:08.000 Yeah, you always have the ability to move my number, you know, by saying something on the internet, which you were always willing to do, and you can see it.

02:31:17.000 And you have people coming up, yeah, I heard it on the road.

02:31:19.000 Yeah, I'm like, good.

02:31:20.000 Yeah, good.

02:31:21.000 Sometimes you're just lucky, right?

02:31:22.000 I'm lucky you're my friend.

02:31:24.000 A lot of guys that were friends of Letterman got to do Letterman all the time because they were his friend, right?

02:31:28.000 Whether they were that good or not, they got to do it over and over and over and over and over.

02:31:33.000 I've watched a few of your podcasts.

02:31:34.000 Everybody was more interesting than me.

02:31:36.000 I used to be a comic.

02:31:38.000 You keep saying that.

02:31:40.000 I used to be a comic, too.

02:31:41.000 That's horseshit.

02:31:42.000 You're a comic.

02:31:43.000 You're Ron fucking White, man.

02:31:45.000 Don't ever say that.

02:31:46.000 You need to stop saying that.

02:31:48.000 Once I get you up at the club, come on, man.

02:31:50.000 You're going to crush.

02:31:51.000 You're going to tell that story about those...

02:31:53.000 That's what I'm waiting for.

02:31:54.000 I'm waiting for the club.

02:31:56.000 Once the club...

02:31:57.000 As soon as the club...

02:31:58.000 As soon as we get this mayor out of office...

02:32:00.000 Just kidding.

02:32:01.000 As soon as we figure out a way to open up these clubs...

02:32:04.000 Why don't we have a meeting under the bridge?

02:32:06.000 Because...

02:32:08.000 Yeah, no, we got a bunker.

02:32:10.000 We don't need to go under the bridge.

02:32:11.000 We just need to get good clubs open.

02:32:13.000 As soon as they come up with rapid testing and some more tenable therapeutics.

02:32:18.000 You're right.

02:32:19.000 Yeah.

02:32:19.000 You're right.

02:32:20.000 We'll be all right.

02:32:21.000 People want to go out.

02:32:22.000 Man, they miss it.

02:32:23.000 They miss it bad.

02:32:24.000 I miss it.

02:32:24.000 I miss sitting in a club watching other comics.

02:32:28.000 Almost as much as I miss doing stand-up.

02:32:30.000 I miss it.

02:32:31.000 And people that are just fans, that just have regular jobs, that used to love date night, go out to a comedy club, have a great fucking time, have a few drinks, laugh their ass off.

02:32:39.000 They miss it.

02:32:40.000 But we're going to add badass barbecue to that scene, right?

02:32:43.000 Fuck, yeah, pass that letter.

02:32:44.000 Yeah, you got it.

02:32:45.000 Yeah, we just got to make weed legal here.

02:32:46.000 God damn it, people.

02:32:48.000 I know it's kind of legal.

02:32:51.000 All we have to do...

02:32:52.000 Is continue to work in that direction because it's the process of evolution, right?

02:32:57.000 I thought that Texas would probably sell medical marijuana before Oklahoma because they're so much more conservative, it seems.

02:33:05.000 But now it's flourishing like crazy.

02:33:09.000 And the money they get out of it, that's the big thing.

02:33:12.000 Texas doesn't need the money because of oil, but...

02:33:16.000 And just other things.

02:33:18.000 But eventually, it's going to make sense to Texas.

02:33:22.000 It'll be laughed upon in 15 years or 10 years or 5 years as a prohibition that was so fucking stupid.

02:33:30.000 Like it is in California.

02:33:31.000 Like it is in California.

02:33:32.000 You can't even imagine.

02:33:33.000 I remember the day that I moved to Montecito.

02:33:37.000 I'm down at this head shop.

02:33:39.000 I'm going to buy a piece.

02:33:40.000 I just bought this house.

02:33:41.000 Big view of the world.

02:33:43.000 And there was a guy there with a skateboard.

02:33:45.000 He was waiting.

02:33:45.000 It was going to open in 15 minutes.

02:33:47.000 And he goes, you got your license?

02:33:49.000 You're going to pick up some herb?

02:33:51.000 And I'm like, what?

02:33:51.000 And then I spent 20 minutes going, what?

02:33:54.000 What?

02:33:54.000 As he explained to me that marijuana was legal in California.

02:33:57.000 I didn't even know it.

02:33:58.000 And he goes, yeah, what you do is you go down, he goes, where's your license?

02:34:01.000 It's Atlanta.

02:34:03.000 He goes, yeah, that's okay.

02:34:04.000 Just go down there, apply for a license, they'll give you a paper license, take that to this doctor, and in one hour you'll be back here, open that door, there's 15 kinds of, what?

02:34:14.000 What?

02:34:14.000 Are you fucking what?

02:34:16.000 Are you kidding me?

02:34:17.000 And I walked in there, and he wasn't kidding.

02:34:20.000 It was fucking 15 kinds of gorgeous bud ice cream that made you want potato chips, right?

02:34:28.000 I'm getting fatter for sure.

02:34:30.000 And all the hash, hash, all this stuff.

02:34:33.000 And I buy all of it.

02:34:34.000 I spend two grand.

02:34:36.000 And I do.

02:34:37.000 I spent $2,000.

02:34:38.000 And I go back up to the house.

02:34:40.000 I'm there by myself.

02:34:41.000 And I got my new bong.

02:34:43.000 I'm pouring this and this, taking this hit, that hit, off this, eat some of this fucking ice cream, which they didn't put a real dosage on, you know, but I'm just fucking...

02:34:51.000 I'm so fucking...

02:34:54.000 And then I start feeling weird, right?

02:34:56.000 And I go wash my face and I lay in my bed and I start going, Montecito's a trap.

02:35:03.000 It's a trap.

02:35:04.000 The drug's here.

02:35:05.000 It's going to ruin my life.

02:35:06.000 I should take all that weed and all this stuff, flush it down the toilet.

02:35:09.000 I'm going, this is horrible.

02:35:11.000 And then like an hour later, I'm in there going, what else we got in here?

02:35:15.000 Don't do it all, because that doesn't work.

02:35:18.000 Just got to get past the rough spots.

02:35:19.000 Right, yeah.

02:35:20.000 But I always like to get too fucked up and come down a little bit.

02:35:23.000 Me too.

02:35:23.000 Kind of wander into a buzz that way.

02:35:25.000 Well, when you come down a little bit, you feel real thankful you're not as fucked up as you were an hour ago.

02:35:29.000 Right?

02:35:29.000 Yep.

02:35:30.000 And I hope an hour from now...

02:35:32.000 Yeah.

02:35:33.000 You know, I have those feelings.

02:35:34.000 Yes.

02:35:34.000 Those good feelings.

02:35:36.000 Good feelings of survival.

02:35:38.000 I think you have to feel like you're going to die to really appreciate being alive.

02:35:41.000 Right.

02:35:41.000 You know, I've had some really fucking low spots in my life in the touring career when...

02:35:49.000 Literally...

02:35:51.000 I had joint custody of my son when he was two and a half years old.

02:35:56.000 And they were like, okay, here you go.

02:35:58.000 And I'm like, oh, nobody's going with me or nothing.

02:36:03.000 And I just have a baby and that's it.

02:36:06.000 And I'm like, okay.

02:36:07.000 And I have a van and I plop Marshall down in the car seat next to me in the van and go, uh...

02:36:17.000 Okay, here we go.

02:36:18.000 And we took off across the fucking country and going to comedy clubs.

02:36:23.000 Literally, I would walk up to waitresses before I went on stage and went, could you just hold him for about 45 minutes?

02:36:31.000 Really?

02:36:31.000 And he'd be out there being held by a waitress while I'm up on stage doing stand-up comedy.

02:36:38.000 That's crazy.

02:36:39.000 And I'll tell you the funniest thing.

02:36:40.000 He's a brilliant young man, but here's how smart he is.

02:36:46.000 We're at the South County Funny Bone.

02:36:48.000 And he goes, Dad, because every once in a while I'd bring him on stage, right?

02:36:54.000 And go, here's my baby, get that boat, right?

02:36:57.000 It's an easy boat to get.

02:36:59.000 And he goes, Dad, I want to come to the club tonight, but I don't want to go on stage.

02:37:04.000 I just want to hang out in the green room.

02:37:06.000 And I said, this club doesn't have a green room.

02:37:07.000 And he goes, oh, it's a funny bone.

02:37:10.000 Yeah.

02:37:10.000 Right?

02:37:11.000 And how amazing it is to put that together, that funny bones are shitholes and they don't have fucking green rooms, right?

02:37:19.000 At least the one Columbus doesn't.

02:37:21.000 Right.

02:37:21.000 None of them do.

02:37:22.000 They've got a green room in the fucking bunch.

02:37:25.000 Yeah.

02:37:26.000 And he realized that at two and a half years old.

02:37:28.000 Two and a half years old.

02:37:29.000 That's hilarious.

02:37:30.000 Oh, it's a funny bone.

02:37:32.000 He's two and a half.

02:37:33.000 Oh my god, that's funny.

02:37:35.000 But that's how he's raised.

02:37:37.000 I took him down to Mexico when I started making pottery.

02:37:41.000 You lived in Mexico for a while, right?

02:37:44.000 But this was before Blue Collar Comedy took off, right?

02:37:47.000 Right before.

02:37:48.000 What brought you to Mexico?

02:37:51.000 I'm impetuous, dude.

02:37:54.000 The Funny Bone cut my pay by a third.

02:37:58.000 Because they realized they could.

02:38:00.000 And really, they took away a lot of the airfare, so it was really almost half.

02:38:07.000 And I told them to go eat a steaming bowl of fuck.

02:38:10.000 And my girlfriend at the time was an artist sort of person, and she was doing this mosaic tile application to pottery.

02:38:18.000 And then she would take it to these fairs or whatever and sell it.

02:38:22.000 And she'd sell it all in two hours, but the fair is three days.

02:38:25.000 It took her six months to make it.

02:38:26.000 And so I thought, why wouldn't you just go to Mexico and hire a bunch of women to sit around and she orchestrates it and they sit around and make this pottery and then you have a bunch to sell.

02:38:35.000 And that was the whole concept.

02:38:37.000 So I went down there, and I was living on the Lake LBJ, right up from you, and I sold that house, and I had the biggest truck rider makes pulling the biggest trailer rider makes, and I had my van that Marshall and I toured in,

02:38:54.000 and the biggest trailer that they make behind that.

02:38:57.000 That was everything I owned, and we went straight down to McAllen, Texas, and moved into a trailer.

02:39:02.000 And then we moved, and I found a place in Mexico, in Reynosa, Mexico, where Abraham Answer is, who's a great golfer who I love to follow.

02:39:11.000 And we moved into Mexico, met a woman named Irma Munoz, and Irma knew everybody.

02:39:18.000 She was like the matriarch of the entire subdivision there.

02:39:22.000 And there was a tortilla factory that had been abandoned.

02:39:26.000 I rented it for $100 a month, and it was a wreck.

02:39:30.000 And I had eight inches of cat shit in it.

02:39:32.000 They went in there, cleaned it all up, and we started fucking making pottery.

02:39:37.000 Pottery?

02:39:38.000 Pottery.

02:39:39.000 And I remember that two of the...

02:39:41.000 It may have been the two sons, if not, wasn't here, but one of the employees were...

02:39:47.000 Little kids, and Marshall was five or six, and they were four and three or whatever, and they were fighting.

02:39:53.000 And Marshall went out on the front porch and went, ALTO! Because that was a word he knew.

02:40:01.000 But they didn't stop, but he still knew how to command them to stop.

02:40:07.000 So we had a glorious life.

02:40:09.000 I spent my evenings fucking sawing tables and building shit, and they were making pottery, and I was sweating.

02:40:15.000 How old were you back then?

02:40:18.000 42 or 3, maybe.

02:40:20.000 Isn't that crazy?

02:40:21.000 So you had toured and you kind of like settled into this idea that I'm just going to be here in Mexico making pottery.

02:40:27.000 Yeah.

02:40:28.000 Yeah, but Foxworthy and I had been friends for already.

02:40:32.000 I met Foxworthy the first day I did stand-up.

02:40:35.000 So he goes, why don't you come with me on the weekends and open for me in the big shows, right?

02:40:41.000 So he'd gotten big enough to take somebody with him and he picked me to take with him.

02:40:45.000 And so I would go out and make more money than I ever really made before my life opened up for Foxworthy on the weekends.

02:40:54.000 And then I'd fly back from, we'd be on a private jet, and then we'd fly back to Atlanta, and then I'd get on a plane to Houston, then McAllen, Texas, and then drive across to Mexico.

02:41:08.000 Have I ever told you the tomato story?

02:41:10.000 No.

02:41:12.000 So, my mother grows these amazing tomatoes that were so good.

02:41:17.000 The property she lived on, which was in Buda, which is just south of here, was a peach tree orchard at one time and a cattle farm at one time, but the soil produced a tomato that you could just eat over the sink like an apple.

02:41:31.000 They were so good, and clearly the best I'd ever eaten.

02:41:35.000 And Foxworthy was so in love with these tomatoes that he would call, because his mother would send him a box of tomatoes every year.

02:41:44.000 He'd say, when did the tomatoes come?

02:41:45.000 I'm like, gee, they're ripening on the vine, okay?

02:41:48.000 You'll get your tomatoes when you get your tomatoes.

02:41:50.000 And I'd been out on a run.

02:41:53.000 I picked up a comedy club that wasn't a funny bone, and then a couple of Foxworthy days, and I was gone for two weeks.

02:41:59.000 Mother sent me the box of tomatoes.

02:42:02.000 And all the money that I'd made, I already owed to the people that worked for me, right?

02:42:07.000 And I didn't owe it to them, but it was coming up, right?

02:42:10.000 It was gone.

02:42:11.000 I didn't have any money.

02:42:12.000 And so I stopped.

02:42:15.000 In McAllen's post office and they bring out a big old soggy fucking box.

02:42:20.000 And I know what it is.

02:42:21.000 I know my mother sent me the tomatoes and they went rotten in the fucking post office while I was out doing stand-up, right?

02:42:27.000 So I said, I asked the tomatoes, you know, throw it away.

02:42:31.000 And so I get in line, I'm exhausted.

02:42:33.000 I've been traveling all day long, literally all night and all day.

02:42:36.000 We had done a show in Seattle, flowed back on a private plane to Atlanta, to Houston, hadn't, you know, just beat up.

02:42:44.000 And I get over to my house and the phone rings and it's my mom.

02:42:48.000 And she goes, did you get the tomatoes?

02:42:49.000 And I said, mother, I've been gone for two weeks.

02:42:52.000 And the tomatoes were rotten.

02:42:53.000 She goes, at least you got the hundred dollars.

02:42:56.000 I'm like, oh.

02:42:58.000 I get back in my car, drive back to America, drive to the fucking post office, go back to the dumpster, fucking open the lid, crawl in it, and start rubbing through the fucking rubbish until I found that box, ripped it open, and got that $100.

02:43:14.000 Put it in my pocket and went back fucking home.

02:43:16.000 That's how much I needed $100.

02:43:19.000 Wow.

02:43:19.000 Dig through a dumpster to get it.

02:43:21.000 And I forget where we were at right before that.

02:43:26.000 You were in Mexico, and you were doing Pottery, opening for Jeff Foxworthy.

02:43:32.000 Yeah, and then, well, basically then, you know, the Blue Collar Comedy Tour came up, you know, because the kings of comedy were doing such huge numbers, and Foxworthy was like, you know, why don't we do another version of that,

02:43:48.000 you know, for a different, you know, marketplace, and...

02:43:54.000 He told me the concept of the four of us going out, but I didn't really know what the Kings of Comedy were doing.

02:43:59.000 I wasn't playing golf with them back then.

02:44:02.000 You were making pottery in Mexico.

02:44:04.000 Right, I was making pottery in Mexico.

02:44:05.000 It was beautiful stuff.

02:44:06.000 Just pre-internet.

02:44:07.000 Turned out it was heavy and fragile, which is a horrible combination.

02:44:14.000 I really hadn't thought of that.

02:44:16.000 I didn't really think the whole thing through.

02:44:17.000 I was just like, what about this?

02:44:19.000 It is crazy, though, that it all popped for you at 42. Well, probably 44, 45, and before that came out, right?

02:44:28.000 We did it, but that was all Jeff's money, right?

02:44:31.000 He paid me great to do it, but it was his thing, right?

02:44:35.000 It would have been nothing without him ever.

02:44:37.000 We couldn't have sold Ticket One without Foxworthy in that, and even if it was just ding ball, it didn't work at all.

02:44:43.000 We tried.

02:44:44.000 But we just cut the guy, making all the money out of it, and give the money...

02:44:49.000 Okay, nobody shows up.

02:44:52.000 So...

02:44:53.000 I think Foxworth is one of the most underrated comics ever.

02:44:58.000 I really do.

02:44:58.000 That You Might Be a Redneck series.

02:45:01.000 Brilliant.

02:45:02.000 If your family tree does not fork.

02:45:08.000 And it was all so long.

02:45:10.000 I mean, those jokes were so long ago, but it was such a great hook and something that you could just do it over and over and over and over.

02:45:17.000 But there was so much to him besides that, right?

02:45:21.000 And to this day, you know, he's just somebody that when I talked to him, we were both doing little clubs in Atlanta warming up for something else.

02:45:30.000 And so we had dinner together.

02:45:33.000 You know, I don't know, eight months ago or whatever it was.

02:45:36.000 And it was just glorious to sit down and talk to somebody that was so generous that the first day I ever did stand up, he told me I needed to put the punchline at the end of the joke.

02:45:46.000 And then I said, how do you do that?

02:45:49.000 Or whatever stupid fucking voice I was using that day.

02:45:52.000 And he sits down with me, a brand new comic with a piece of paper and a fucking pen.

02:45:57.000 And he goes, all right, how's the first joke go?

02:46:00.000 He writes it out himself in longhand.

02:46:02.000 And he underlines this part and this part and this part.

02:46:05.000 And he goes, what you're doing is instead of saying this here, you need to say it here, right?

02:46:11.000 Because if you say it here, you're stepping on the lap by doing the end of it.

02:46:16.000 Now, I can't imagine now how you would do that wrong or not know how to do it, but I didn't know how to do it then.

02:46:22.000 And he was so generous.

02:46:23.000 He just sat down and showed me.

02:46:25.000 I've been doing stand-up for four minutes.

02:46:28.000 And I had a guy that good going, okay, look at this.

02:46:32.000 Just think about it.

02:46:33.000 That's amazing.

02:46:33.000 Just think about this.

02:46:34.000 If you do it here instead of here, what happens?

02:46:36.000 Stare at them.

02:46:37.000 They'll laugh.

02:46:38.000 And then you can move on to the next fucking job.

02:46:40.000 Wow.

02:46:41.000 So that's how much he's influenced.

02:46:43.000 I've never heard anything but good things about that, man.

02:46:45.000 No.

02:46:46.000 There's nothing but good.

02:46:48.000 You know?

02:46:50.000 Great human being.

02:46:52.000 Dear, dear friend.

02:46:53.000 Count on him for anything.

02:46:54.000 He's a big-time bowhunter, too, you know?

02:46:57.000 He's a big time hunter.

02:47:00.000 And everybody respects him as a hunter.

02:47:04.000 He doesn't take out a lot of deer during the year.

02:47:08.000 He looks for trophies.

02:47:09.000 And if he doesn't see them, he doesn't shoot at them.

02:47:12.000 Old, mature deer that have passed their breeding site.

02:47:15.000 Yeah, that's what he looks for.

02:47:16.000 That's how you're supposed to do it.

02:47:20.000 You know, and I've never been into that.

02:47:21.000 He's always tried to get me to go.

02:47:23.000 And I would probably go with him.

02:47:24.000 I mean, I have no reason not to, you know, except I'd have to learn how to shoot a bow.

02:47:29.000 You should come out here and we should shoot some pigs.

02:47:31.000 They have to get rid of them, these wild, crazy pigs.

02:47:34.000 So the pigs, yeah, the pig store.

02:47:36.000 Don't think about Whitney's pig.

02:47:38.000 Put that in the back of your head.

02:47:40.000 So Jay and I were going to do, who was the hanging judge?

02:47:44.000 There's Jeff.

02:47:46.000 Yeah, there he is.

02:47:48.000 What's he doing in this video, Jamie?

02:47:50.000 I just found a hunting video.

02:47:52.000 Just outdoorsman hunting something or other.

02:47:56.000 That's a nice deer.

02:47:57.000 It's on Facebook.

02:48:03.000 Yeah, he's out there whacking deer.

02:48:06.000 So anyway, Jay and I were talking about doing, who was the judge west of the Pecos here?

02:48:12.000 Roy Bean.

02:48:13.000 And so we were talking to this director, I feel stupid for not knowing his name, famous director, lives right here in Bastrop, who did...

02:48:24.000 Shit, my brain's just not working today.

02:48:26.000 I can't catch up with all of it.

02:48:28.000 But he actually had also some pigs that he put into this, and he wanted to do a reality show about the pig ranch in Bastrop.

02:48:41.000 So, Jay, because he can produce anything, right, he's got a great production company, and so he sells it because this guy's the director.

02:48:51.000 Fuck, who's his name?

02:48:52.000 Oh, I can't believe it.

02:48:53.000 Sorry.

02:48:53.000 Give me a movie.

02:48:55.000 The first movie that McConaughey was ever in.

02:49:00.000 I'm guessing on this.

02:49:03.000 Richard Linkletter.

02:49:04.000 Bam, Jamie.

02:49:06.000 Right out of the fucking gate.

02:49:08.000 He's a mentalist.

02:49:11.000 So...

02:49:13.000 We pitch him the Judge Roy Bean story, but Jay's there to wrap up the deal on the pig ranch, the pig rescue thing.

02:49:24.000 So they want to go over there.

02:49:28.000 Well, now I'm part of the fucking team, right?

02:49:29.000 I'm like, fuck yeah, because I want this guy to direct this.

02:49:32.000 Because if he does it, it's a hit, and it's sold, for sure.

02:49:35.000 He's an amazing director.

02:49:39.000 And we go over there, and it's huge.

02:49:42.000 And it's nice, too.

02:49:44.000 The pigs are 800 pounds.

02:49:48.000 some of them can't hardly move have arthritis take some 30 minutes to lay down the last pig and uh this is a thing no oh something different well no that's not the last pig good luck with that there's a lot of pigs but anyway we make our way around the whole thing and and they have footage because you know they have all these cameras out of of pigs that are in the wild walking up to the fence Going,

02:50:14.000 how did he get in here?

02:50:15.000 They're fucking eating sandwiches and shit, laying around in the mud.

02:50:20.000 And then there's pigs outside the gates going, what the fuck is this?

02:50:25.000 I want in.

02:50:26.000 No, you can't get in.

02:50:27.000 I wonder if you let wild pigs in, if they'll revert to being like domestic pigs.

02:50:31.000 Because if you take domestic pigs and they go wild, like you were talking about your friend's pigs, they grow tusks.

02:50:37.000 Yeah, they were fine with it.

02:50:39.000 Yeah.

02:50:40.000 I don't know.

02:50:41.000 But anyway, we make our way into the house, which the guy that runs it runs a big construction company.

02:50:48.000 He's got a lot of money, but his wife looks like the chick from Pulp Fiction that goes nuts, that has all the piercings and stuff.

02:50:57.000 Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

02:50:58.000 And when I walked into that environment, I saw her, and I'm like, she's set to pop.

02:51:05.000 She's a...

02:51:06.000 Don't do it.

02:51:12.000 So, yeah, she's about to pop her fucking weasel, right?

02:51:18.000 I think.

02:51:19.000 That's my feeling about the whole situation.

02:51:22.000 Right, I get it.

02:51:22.000 And we get in the house, and they're going to sit down and talk about this deal...

02:51:27.000 We sit down for about three seconds.

02:51:29.000 He goes, I'm out of here!

02:51:30.000 She walks out the door, slams the fucking door.

02:51:33.000 And I was like, I saw that fucking coming.

02:51:35.000 I didn't tell anybody, right?

02:51:36.000 But I did see it fucking coming.

02:51:38.000 I'm like, this girl's about to pop.

02:51:40.000 I've seen it.

02:51:41.000 I've seen it.

02:51:42.000 You know crazy.

02:51:43.000 Right.

02:51:43.000 You've been around crazy.

02:51:44.000 And he goes, she's not coming back.

02:51:49.000 And I'm like, yeah, she was coming back.

02:51:53.000 She looked like she was, anyway.

02:51:55.000 I said, well, I'm going to, they said something about, they need to talk about the deal, and I got a joint in my pocket.

02:52:00.000 I've been dying to smoke for fucking hours.

02:52:02.000 And I'm like, oh yeah, I'll just be right outside here.

02:52:06.000 But before they did that, there were four pigs that lived in the house and one of them was Whitney Cummings Pig.

02:52:12.000 And they brought Whitney Cummings Pig out to me and I held it and it squealed like I was fucking it.

02:52:21.000 I totally wasn't.

02:52:23.000 I totally wasn't.

02:52:25.000 I definitely did not watch that man fuck my wife.

02:52:29.000 I already don't believe you.

02:52:32.000 I already don't believe you.

02:52:37.000 That's a powerful statement.

02:52:40.000 So anyway, then there's that story.

02:52:42.000 Ron White, let's wrap it up.

02:52:44.000 We did it.

02:52:45.000 Wrap it up.

02:52:45.000 We did it, man.

02:52:46.000 My brother, another beautiful podcast.

02:52:48.000 Fuck, yeah.

02:52:48.000 Thank you.

02:52:48.000 Thanks for making me come here.

02:52:50.000 Yeah.

02:52:51.000 You're part of the reason.

02:52:51.000 Hey, you know, I need to just stop you from crying.

02:52:54.000 I'm like, I'll make some promises.

02:52:55.000 I'll pitch in, you know, do my thing.

02:52:58.000 I knew there was a spot where we could be together.

02:53:00.000 Yeah, right, yeah.

02:53:01.000 I was trying to steal you back from McGraw, you know?

02:53:04.000 Yeah.

02:53:06.000 I'm like, my two friends kind of went off together.

02:53:09.000 And I'm like, oh, I see a way.

02:53:11.000 Now it turns out he's moving down here.

02:53:12.000 You can vacation with us, too.

02:53:14.000 We'll all vacation when it's legal again.

02:53:15.000 I got nothing to do, man.

02:53:17.000 I got nothing to do.

02:53:18.000 You got something to do once the ranch opens up.

02:53:20.000 Yeah, absolutely.

02:53:21.000 Figure out what to do with your four acres.

02:53:23.000 And two mules, yeah.

02:53:24.000 I love you, Ron White.

02:53:25.000 I love you, Joe Rogan.

02:53:27.000 All right.

02:53:27.000 Bye, everybody.

02:53:28.000 Good night.

The Joe Rogan Experience - September 09, 2020

Joe Rogan Experience #1534 - Ron White

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