Joe Rogan Experience #1728 - Ari Shaffir, Shane Gillis & Mark Normand
Episode Stats
Length
3 hours and 2 minutes
Words per Minute
210.72835
Hate Speech Sentences
166
Summary
Shane Gillis, Ari Shafir, Mark Norman, and Joe Rogan are back on the pod talking about a variety of topics. They talk about the recent cancellation of Dave Chappelle's comedy special, the new Coronavirus vaccine, and much, much more. Also, the boys talk about how much they've grown since being diagnosed with HIV and how they've dealt with it in the past and what they're doing to prevent it from happening in the future. And, of course, there's a death tweet about the cancelation of the Dave Chapele special. Joe also talks about how he feels about it and why he thinks it's a good thing it's not a big deal. They also talk about what it's like being canceled and why they think it's okay. And they talk about why they don't care about the hate that's being directed towards Dave Chapelle. It's a fun, lighthearted pod that's a lot of fun, and they're here to make you laugh, not to be mad at you for being mad at someone who thinks you're mad at them for being canceled. You're not mad at Dave, you're just mad because you're not funny enough. Enjoy! -Joe Rogan and the boys -The Joe Rogans Experience is a pod by day, by night, and a podcast by night. -Shawn Gillis and Mark Norman - Ari and Ari are back with a mask on and they are back in the pod by night to talk about it all day long. This is a day to day, all day, no matter the time of the day, not the week, and all the time, so you're getting a chance to do it right? - and it's all good, no worries, you'll be okay? Joe is here to help you re not mad about it, you know what you can do it, right here, right? - and you're here for it, thank you, we're here with us, we'll get it, we know you, and we're all here, we love you, right, we got it, and you can have it, OKAYAY! -and we'll come back next week, we won't let you know we're back, we will you know you'll have it? and we'll talk about this, we don't need it.
Transcript
00:00:12.000
This is basically a super show, ladies and gentlemen.
00:00:29.000
You have the most bitch-ass antibody line from that vaccine.
00:01:01.000
Well, there was a lot of talk about people that smoke cigarettes.
00:01:04.000
They were saying that people that smoke cigarettes are less likely to catch it, and they were trying to figure out why.
00:01:08.000
And someone made this theory, said, well, you've got to think about what cigarettes are.
00:01:13.000
You're taking in hot smoke in your lungs in the very area where coronavirus replicates in your throat and in your nostrils.
00:01:30.000
You'd have to do it like, you know, like Wiz Khalifa style.
00:01:50.000
You have the lower line that's a recent exposure line.
00:01:54.000
Mark Norman, you've got some fat ass antibodies.
00:02:13.000
When you've been canceled, your line gets thicker.
00:02:16.000
The more you get canceled, it builds up your social immunity as well.
00:02:22.000
I've been through one in like a year and a half, so mine are all weekend.
00:02:31.000
But meanwhile, when the guy goes on stage, I filmed him going on stage when we did New Orleans or Nashville?
00:02:38.000
It's the fucking craziest sound you've ever heard in your life.
00:02:45.000
Because they can be notoriously shitty audiences.
00:02:51.000
When he went up to the cellar, it was always like explosions.
00:02:56.000
It's a small percentage of very loud people that are canceling him, and all of them didn't see the special.
00:03:04.000
If you notice the thing about Chappelle, all the hate...
00:03:10.000
I had a guy on the other day, Rob Kearney, who goes by the name World's Strongest Gay on Instagram.
00:03:17.000
He's a power lifter who happens to be a gay guy.
00:03:22.000
Chappelle saying he finds him funny, he thought was...
00:03:26.000
At some point, aren't we all just supposed to be like, whatever this is is a misquote.
00:03:31.000
Anything you're exposed to is probably a misquote.
00:03:34.000
If you're not hearing it in context, in the same special, Chappelle literally talks about being molested and jerking off in a man's face.
00:03:55.000
It's absurd to the extreme, and yet they focus on one thing he says as if it's a statement.
00:04:06.000
And then they all walk out, but there was like real strikes at John Deere and Kellogg that nobody cared about.
00:04:12.000
Yeah, they were all getting horrible work conditions, so they all striked.
00:04:15.000
Well, what about the sanitation workers in New York City?
00:04:20.000
Those are the most important people in the city.
00:04:24.000
Yeah, well, NYPD, there's quite a few, and the fire department, too.
00:04:28.000
They're shutting down a bunch of firehouses because they don't want to get vaccinated.
00:04:39.000
I lived in New York when it went really bad in the 90s.
00:04:43.000
In the 90s, there was a sanitation strike that lasted a long time, and there was fucking six-foot piles of garbage.
00:05:05.000
When you find out how many rats are actually in New York City, you're like, oh my god, the same biomass as people, if not more.
00:05:13.000
You ever jump down on the tracks before, on the subway?
00:05:17.000
My board rolled down there, and I was like 21, so I was a young cum guzzler, and I just jumped down there to grab it, and it was just rats everywhere scurrying, and then everybody's like, what are you, crazy?
00:05:29.000
Uh, deceivingly tall, that ledge, so like it comes up to here, which is hard to get up.
00:05:35.000
I had to get up and then, you know, I made it, but I was covered in shit.
00:05:38.000
Well, here's the other thing, like grabbing something and holding onto a wall with your hands and pulling yourself up and then getting your upper body, it takes a lot of strength.
00:05:57.000
You ever see that thing that people do in a bar called a muscle-up?
00:06:01.000
Where you start from a hanging sit-up and then you push all the way up.
00:06:07.000
You see that guy fall off the building who tried to do it but there's nothing to grab onto?
00:06:13.000
He tried to do pull-ups, you know, the parkour pull-ups, and then he was like, couldn't do the last one, and he was like, oh, shit.
00:06:20.000
And then he's just like, the guy's filming from across the way, and he's just like, nope, and then it falls.
00:06:26.000
Yeah, there was those dudes that were taking pictures, like, filming themselves, like Russian kids.
00:06:39.000
That's a big TV. It's a big TV. That's not the one I saw.
00:07:10.000
Where does he know he's not going to be able to get back up?
00:07:26.000
It's like that Free Fall movie with the guy, the rock climber.
00:07:49.000
He's the guy who's been on the podcast a few years back, and he does a lot of those videos with GoPros, and he put one up on his Instagram page today of him walking on the top of the Eiffel Tower, and you're watching him do it, and it's just like, oh...
00:08:05.000
But he's walking on the top of this tower on these beams, like, just, you know, four inches wide.
00:08:16.000
This is where a black guy goes, this is white people shit.
00:08:27.000
You ever see the guy try to test out a flight suit on the Eiffel Tower?
00:08:42.000
The worst one I ever saw was these people on a bridge and this guy in a flight suit was timing it where he was going to fly through the bridge and he missed it.
00:08:51.000
And he slams right into the side of the bridge with this loud clang.
00:09:17.000
The parachute failed to deploy and he plummeted 187 feet to his death.
00:09:20.000
His right leg and arm were crushed, his skull and spine broken, and he was seen bleeding from his mouth, nose, and ears.
00:09:33.000
I don't think there was any, like, don't move him.
00:09:52.000
Like, hey, here are guys jumping off the thing.
00:10:14.000
I would have, but my dad did it in the army when Arabs were shooting at him, so it feels like a pussy move to be like, I did it for fun with the dude straps in my asshole.
00:10:26.000
It looks awesome, and everybody says after you do it, it's like the most refreshing, best moment of your life, but I got no desire.
00:10:32.000
I think that first part of just having a guy strapped me.
00:10:36.000
I bet you get used to being up there after like two seconds, so you're just like, How many times do you have to do it before you can do it on your own?
00:10:49.000
It's like some of those dive sites like, is this Patty?
00:11:02.000
Red Band's dad worked in this office building with this person, I think it was a lady, that was really into skydiving and was always trying to get him to go skydiving.
00:11:11.000
And one day, he shows up Monday morning, and the person's not there.
00:11:30.000
Well, that job you need to find a new person for.
00:11:34.000
You cash in for a week or two while people sell their reservations.
00:11:41.000
I heard about a guy who survived, his parachute didn't deploy, and he fell through a barn, and he lived.
00:11:46.000
He fell through a barn, through the roof of a barn, and into like stacks of hay, and actually survived.
00:11:54.000
Imagine going through all that, but I can't believe it.
00:11:56.000
Second lease on life, and then you go home, and your wife is still a cunt.
00:12:00.000
Or you come home, and she's fucking some guy because she thought you were dead.
00:12:07.000
You're just in there trying to fuck a horse, and a guy flies through the ceiling.
00:12:15.000
The bridge documentary where the guys jump off the bridge?
00:12:35.000
Parachute plummets through roof into kitchen of California house.
00:12:39.000
Man survived the fall after a chute failed to open.
00:12:45.000
That one in New York with a guy falling off onto the car?
00:12:55.000
Everyone's like, stop moving, but he's so shook.
00:13:01.000
I think they think someone threw him out of the window.
00:13:05.000
He looked like the kind of guy that someone with 39 stories.
00:13:11.000
This is 2010. 29 stories landed on a car and survived.
00:13:18.000
He came down feet first at like a hundred miles an hour.
00:13:25.000
I saw this fucking guy, he told the New York Daily News.
00:13:33.000
That movie Unbreakable, the guy broke all the time.
00:13:51.000
Like, he was talking about it before the press got there, and somebody's like, it's like Unbreakable, and they just co-opted it.
00:13:55.000
Oh, and then Glass was like the sequel to that?
00:14:01.000
Right, like, Bruce Willis is Unbreakable, and then Samuel Jackson broke all the time.
00:14:06.000
Which is the dumbest idea for fucking Superman.
00:14:08.000
When people try to make superheroes, like, pretty close to normal.
00:14:20.000
Well, that too, but yeah, he got too emotional.
00:14:30.000
Yeah, this James Bond falls in love like a bitch.
00:14:40.000
I can't imagine him winning a fight, though, as he got older with the toupee on.
00:14:45.000
Jamie, pull up when Connery got into a bar fight in Scotland in, like, the 30s.
00:15:11.000
Hold on, J-Mo, I'm talking about a real fisticuffs in a bar.
00:15:15.000
I don't know about that, but there's a clipping.
00:15:22.000
Well, a lot of those old Irish and Scottish actors, those guys were getting fights all the time.
00:15:27.000
Well, he said he was in his 20s when this happened, so there's no video of it.
00:15:31.000
It says he beat up four guys in A Wild Night Out.
00:15:48.000
It's a character you can't really keep going over and over and over and over again, the James Bond character.
00:16:36.000
And back in France, they used to just be like, all right, if you...
00:16:39.000
The way they would do trial is trial by combat.
00:16:42.000
So Matt Damon does trial by combat with Adam Driver to see if he's guilty of rape.
00:16:53.000
So if you were really good at combat, you'd just rape crazy and just always say you didn't do it, then fuck everybody up.
00:17:57.000
Can I see the Mark Zuckerberg meta demonstration?
00:18:02.000
You watch that and you go, hey, motherfucker, what are you trying to do?
00:18:19.000
It's crazy that they're changing the name of Facebook to Meta, and they're going to call it the Metaverse.
00:18:25.000
I thought that was also so, like, you can sue me, but our parent company's over there now.
00:18:33.000
So you're suing Facebook for fucking evil shit of, like, turning brother against brother, but Facebook only has $100 in assets, so Meta's got all the assets.
00:18:45.000
Helps us survive in times when we have no antibodies.
00:18:49.000
The whole algorithm thing, it's very strange because, you know, I bring you up all the time, Ari, that you did that thing where you went and looked for puppies on YouTube and that all YouTube would show you is puppies.
00:19:00.000
It's not just that it would do that, it's that it affects your mood for the better.
00:19:04.000
You get to be the person who watches puppies all day, and you're just a happier person during that time than watching videos about how everyone's upset at each other and you also get upset.
00:19:14.000
I feel like you see a puppy randomly, it's nice, but if you see a puppy every day, you're immune to the happiness.
00:19:26.000
Yeah, see, cats are fine, but puppies are way better.
00:19:29.000
When you come home, oh, you used to have a bit about that.
00:19:31.000
Jamie, play that bit in its entirety seven minutes.
00:19:49.000
There is videos of it, but what you need to know is what they were doing was worse than what he's saying.
00:19:54.000
They cut their throats so that they couldn't bark.
00:19:57.000
So they did experiments on these beagle puppies and they put their heads in cages and filled the cages with sand flies where the sand flies were literally eating the beagles alive.
00:20:07.000
This was all sponsored by the NIH. Like, the NIH spent money on this.
00:20:17.000
The idea is to see what happens when the sand flies eat them alive.
00:20:21.000
They just didn't want to hear them barking and complaining.
00:20:24.000
The pictures of the beagle puppies with their heads locked into these cages is fucking so disturbing that it's like some serial killer shit.
00:20:33.000
You can't believe that government- Why don't you get beagles?
00:20:44.000
Get chihuahuas where everybody would be rooting for it.
00:20:58.000
When I went to bed, it would sleep in my butthole for the warmth.
00:21:06.000
But yeah, it would just get right up to the warmth.
00:21:10.000
That Richard Gere one is the greatest rumor of all time, because it's pre-internet.
00:21:21.000
That's what I believe, because Scientology makes you tell all the secrets, and then they're like, don't worry, we're clear of these.
00:21:26.000
And then when he did that Buddhist movie, became Buddhist, they're like, no, no, you can't do that.
00:21:32.000
They're like, then we're going to release the info.
00:21:35.000
What I had heard was that it was just to make him look like shit because he left Scientology.
00:21:40.000
I didn't hear that it was actually a real thing that he stuck a gerbil up his ass.
00:22:14.000
I mean, Richard Gere's been in some fucking amazing movies.
00:22:19.000
How bad would Richard Gere feel if you're like, I loved his acting, and you brought up Mothman Prophecies as number one?
00:22:27.000
It's like if you love Robert Deere and you love that movie with Michelle Pfeiffer where he dressed like a wizard.
00:22:32.000
In the height of his wife spending money, apparently, he was just doing whatever fucking movie he could.
00:22:41.000
And he did this fucking terrible movie with Michelle Pfeiffer.
00:22:44.000
It was supposed to be one of the worst movies ever made.
00:22:54.000
Well, when you got a monthly nut, like a million bucks a month.
00:23:08.000
This was, you were supposed to send me a box of these.
00:23:23.000
So you guys are, uh, what's the gig you guys are all doing together?
00:23:37.000
Yeah, we kind of thought we were going to get a lot more.
00:23:43.000
We were like, we'll get Rogan, we'll get Louie, we'll get all the guys.
00:23:50.000
There's Skank Fest and we decided to do a spite show right ahead of it.
00:23:54.000
Can you hand me that can of propane or whatever the fuck it is?
00:23:58.000
So we call the secret group and we're like, hey, we want to do a show just us the day before.
00:24:02.000
And he goes, let me make sure it's okay with Lewis.
00:24:06.000
Yeah, you know Stanhope used to do that just for laughs.
00:24:15.000
He had a legitimate financial grievance with them.
00:24:20.000
You better do it now before he gets brain damage.
00:24:30.000
He hasn't been punched nearly as much as fucking Ellis.
00:24:33.000
You guys have a very strange way of looking at fighting.
00:24:44.000
So a young 22-year-old boxer couldn't beat a right-now Muhammad Ali?
00:24:55.000
Did you know that Logan Paul's going to fight Mike Tyson?
00:25:00.000
No, that was just for Roy Jones Jr. Please let this be the one.
00:25:03.000
It should be Logan and the brother fight him together.
00:25:33.000
When Norman was trying to fucking cut a thing and he couldn't do it.
00:25:37.000
On the experience, dude, you look like a fucking idiot.
00:25:40.000
This is a podcast known for cigar smoking, bro.
00:25:44.000
I would be choking on this thing in 20 seconds.
00:26:14.000
Yeah, there's a cutter in the back of that one as well.
00:26:29.000
I did one of their shows in Hollywood, though, when they did the comedy store.
00:26:39.000
Yeah, it wasn't Skank Fest, but it was a Legion of Skanks show.
00:26:46.000
And it's just, that kind of comedy is hard to come by these days.
00:26:50.000
It's like, everybody's so goddamn fucking serious.
00:26:53.000
Well, there's definitely some of it coming back.
00:26:58.000
They're tired of being lectured on, you know, when people are doing comedy and they're lecturing you at the same time, you're like, Jesus Christ.
00:27:03.000
Yeah, they're lecturing you and they're saying, everything sucks but me.
00:27:10.000
Everything sucks, the world sucks, but I'm great.
00:27:17.000
He's like, you get all these comics, four comics in a row going, injustice is terrible.
00:27:22.000
And then you just get up there and go, injustice rules.
00:27:25.000
Yeah, you get to go on and be like, you know what I like?
00:27:33.000
It's weird seeing someone so obviously virtue signaling on stage and then to see it work.
00:27:40.000
It's either absurd, ridiculous, over-the-top silly, or it's...
00:27:47.000
So when you see that, it's neither of those things.
00:27:52.000
It's just this weird thing that you're doing, like you're saying things that people are compelled to clap at.
00:27:59.000
Yes, it's a version of give it up for the troops.
00:28:09.000
But then you flip it on with the troops and say Al-Qaeda.
00:28:15.000
The day after we lost Afghanistan, Tim Dillon was on stage at Vulcan in Austin, giving it up for the Taliban.
00:28:25.000
And talking about how amazing it is that they put in all that work after all these years.
00:28:42.000
Cynically, I think it's almost like it's planned.
00:28:47.000
I think they got done selling weapons and pulled it up.
00:28:51.000
Maybe they wait a while and then it gets really bad over there and there's some real reason to go back in a larger force.
00:28:58.000
Or they let China come in and then they're like, hey, here's an excuse to fight China.
00:29:02.000
One thing that was real open to me, and I'm not political, but like...
00:29:06.000
And Trump early on was like, we're pulling out of Afghanistan.
00:29:16.000
Jamie, edit that in with like a loop over and over again.
00:29:32.000
Dude, I was at MADtv and Michael Chase gave me a tour.
00:29:38.000
And I'm like, is that the back thing going to come out of it?
00:29:39.000
He goes, well, just so you know, there's superstition that if you come out before you're actually on, you'll never host SNL. And I was like, well, then I'm just going to do it now.
00:29:51.000
It's hilarious that anybody would want to do that anymore.
00:30:00.000
But Burr's one of those guys that, like, he wants to do, like, iconic venues just to say, you know, he's got, like, a nostalgia to him.
00:30:09.000
Like, he did that theater in England because he saw Zeppelin there or whatever the hell.
00:30:16.000
Yeah, he says he goes to stadiums when he's on the road alone just to see it.
00:30:26.000
Sometimes I listen to his podcast, he'll just rant and rave about certain plays and games and they just lose his mind.
00:30:38.000
I can't believe you don't like football that much.
00:30:55.000
To me, it's like getting jerked off through a glory hole with a condom on after you've had actual sex.
00:31:19.000
You know, there's a famous sign from that place that Hunter S. Thompson stole that is available.
00:31:32.000
We went there once, like 20 years ago, and there was these people on stage doing a sex act Like, these girls were like, they were like dildoing each other.
00:31:48.000
There's a room you go to watch dirty movies and jerk off.
00:32:03.000
You can't watch sex acts when everybody's coughing.
00:32:09.000
Do you think if Pee Wee Herman got busted doing that today, it'd probably be nothing?
00:32:20.000
Isn't it amazing how much the world shifted in just a decade or two?
00:32:35.000
Ellen got yelled at for being gay and couldn't bring Anne Heche to a movie premiere.
00:32:46.000
Yeah, well, I think she got yelled at for not being what she really pretends to be on the show.
00:32:54.000
They wanted to think she was this real happy, friendly person who's always light-hearted and dances and stuff.
00:33:00.000
To find out that she's mean would just freak people out.
00:33:20.000
How many years do you think we are away from people reading minds with some kind of technology?
00:33:28.000
You don't want it, but I feel like it's coming.
00:33:32.000
It's going to be embarrassing when you find out how fucking dumb I am.
00:33:53.000
Well, I use FanDuel, so I can only bet in Pennsylvania.
00:33:58.000
So I can only bet when I'm home, which is nice.
00:34:28.000
That hurts him more than thousands would hurt you.
00:34:31.000
Yeah, you guys were already fucking tossing money for Ubers.
00:34:37.000
Oh, he bought an Uber, so I wanted to give him the money.
00:34:43.000
No, we have a show that's paying for everything.
00:34:50.000
Me and Shane, the inaugural show with the president and vice president of the Legion of Skanks.
00:35:05.000
They said they need fucking barriers for the next Sandy thing, but...
00:35:11.000
Yeah, but you also wrote that they might put condos up?
00:35:15.000
So they put in the laws, like, in the subtext, like, hey, if we run out of money for this project, we should be allowed to put in high-rises or maybe a prison to pay for it.
00:35:31.000
This is past Avenue D. This is all poor people.
00:35:40.000
But you gotta go through Avenue D. It's like an obstacle course of heroin needles and Puerto Ricans.
00:36:01.000
They're about to start demolishing that big amphitheater out there.
00:36:09.000
I thought that the parks were protected in New York City.
00:36:12.000
I thought that was like a vital part of the city.
00:36:14.000
Yeah, fucking de Blasio's like, let's sell out the fucking rights to it to make money.
00:37:00.000
He worked for the fucking Central Intelligence.
00:37:06.000
His paternal uncle worked for the Central Intelligence Agency, and he said, hey, you should change your name to an Italian guy.
00:37:13.000
Oh, yeah, yeah, I know that guy in LA. Villaraigosa.
00:37:19.000
His wife's name and his name, he combined, though, which almost works.
00:37:24.000
Like, he married a lady, and she had something, a Gosa.
00:37:46.000
We're talking about L.A. Who's the mayor of L.A.? Oh.
00:37:53.000
Yeah, well, I didn't give a fuck about them until the pandemic when I realized they could actually do things.
00:38:02.000
I feel bad for these mayors because they went into it and were like, we're going to change the school system, maybe pave some roads, and then handle a fucking international pandemic.
00:38:20.000
Have you seen that lady who's running New Zealand?
00:38:23.000
If she even gets asked questions at press conferences and people yell out questions, she goes, we're going to shut this down.
00:38:28.000
We're going to shut this down if you keep yelling out.
00:38:34.000
And so she took the fucking press conference indoors because they were yelling out about the vaccine program that they have in Israel, how it's not working, and about the vaccinated people account for a vast percentage of the people that are testing positive and even deaths.
00:38:54.000
Tell us what you know about how it's failing in Israel.
00:38:57.000
And she goes, we're going to shut this down with a big smile on her face.
00:39:03.000
They have the power to shut down businesses, keep people in their homes.
00:39:09.000
So when they have power, they fucking like it, man.
00:39:13.000
Those are the kind of people that run for governor and mayor in the first place.
00:39:23.000
Remember when not knowing anything about politics was normal?
00:39:35.000
You read a headline, now you act like you know and care.
00:39:52.000
I bet she listens secretly in the car on the way to work.
00:39:54.000
Do you know, I never said anything mean about her.
00:40:16.000
I bet her bedroom's got an American flag in it.
00:40:25.000
Who was the blonde one that Trump hired towards the end?
00:40:36.000
She was very good at that job, and that was a hard job.
00:40:44.000
I just love that video where she goes, I'm glad you brought that up, and then just bashes that guy.
00:40:51.000
But she's got, let me talk to your manager face.
00:40:55.000
No, she's got, I am your new manager, and this is why you have to listen.
00:40:59.000
The thing about redheads, I read this thing where it said that redheads have something about pain, that they have a higher tolerance for pain, that they think it might actually be a genetic thing.
00:41:16.000
Yeah, study finds link between red hair and pain threshold.
00:41:29.000
So it says people with red hair have a variant.
00:41:33.000
A normal man would have killed himself a long time ago.
00:41:40.000
I heard it's amazing and that fucking sign behind him that just says sorry, you were there for it?
00:42:15.000
I got to the hotel and he was like, what are you doing?
00:42:21.000
He was like, alright, I want you to come to my hotel room before you leave.
00:42:29.000
When the doors were closing, he was like, I'm not going to jerk off.
00:42:36.000
And what he wanted to show me was some of that that he filmed.
00:42:53.000
That's a little awkward, though, that he showed you that.
00:43:15.000
So I used to open for him before he was in trouble.
00:43:18.000
And, you know, he was like the king of comedy for a while.
00:43:22.000
He was the funniest guy ever, you know, whatever.
00:43:24.000
So I used to open for him, and it was the highlight of my life.
00:43:26.000
And then we were hanging out in his hotel room watching a movie, and we were talking, and I was sitting on his bed, and he was sitting at the chair in the hotel room.
00:43:49.000
But did he get actually angry or just like that dude, what are you doing?
00:43:53.000
It was worse because he was like, I'm disappointed in you.
00:43:55.000
I thought we were building a relationship and you farted in my hotel room.
00:44:05.000
I could see him going like, that was hilarious.
00:44:42.000
And then I had an offensive line coach in college.
00:44:45.000
I farted during a team meeting and he stopped the film and was like, we don't do that in here.
00:44:55.000
How do I have fucking protein just synthesizing in your gut?
00:45:00.000
All 300-pound men just sitting there just destroying farts.
00:45:09.000
If you were a starter, you'd be like, oh, good one.
00:45:41.000
You know who's got a great bit about football players getting in trouble is Neil Brennan.
00:45:46.000
I don't want to say it, because I don't know if he did.
00:45:51.000
About football players doing football, but outside of the game.
00:46:04.000
He'll say some things sometimes, and I'll go, ooh, nice.
00:46:27.000
I was like, do you ever get worried that you're going to run into people you talk shit about?
00:46:43.000
Every time he's like, hey, bring somebody's name up.
00:46:49.000
People have sent me videos of him shitting on me, and for some reason it doesn't hurt when it's Kevin.
00:47:20.000
Because he does what I do, but he does conversational, but he does it so much better than me.
00:47:29.000
I mean, it took Chappelle becoming a monolith, like a monster, for people to realize that Chappelle was influenced by Tony Woods and then people hear about Tony Woods.
00:47:45.000
That's a little set he did with Tiffany Haddish.
00:47:52.000
Well, that's good to hear, because it's gonna be great.
00:48:13.000
That's not in LA. Oh, you're not in LA. He's basically doing comedy in China.
00:48:23.000
It's like communism is slowly making its way into New York City.
00:48:51.000
And I got off stage and I was like, I forgot to tell you, they're going to hate you just looking at you.
00:49:12.000
Isn't that weird to hate somebody based on how they look?
00:49:41.000
I've been smoking so many cigars since I moved to Texas.
00:49:44.000
This company, Foundation Cigars, shout out to them.
00:49:59.000
I'll fill in the ones that are missing, the ones we smoked.
00:50:08.000
And then a month later, he's like, where is it?
00:50:25.000
Like, I remember facts and statistics that I should not have in my head at all because they don't do me any good.
00:50:30.000
But yet, things that people tell me, like, how many times has someone told you their name and it's just gone in a second?
00:50:40.000
It's not that, because sometimes you want to know their name.
00:50:50.000
Here's the best thing to do when somebody realizes, like, oh, I've known this guy for a while.
00:50:55.000
So I'll ask you, like, hey, what's that guy's name?
00:51:05.000
And then that guy will, out of his way, go, hey, Sam, I see you again, Sammy.
00:51:13.000
You know what a good move is when you don't know someone's name?
00:51:38.000
No, but I met him once, and he was everything I hoped he would be.
00:51:42.000
Yeah, and he, I don't know if I should say it, but he went home with a pretty hot lady at this party.
00:53:00.000
And so, like, if his daughter's like, you don't know anything, he's like, oh, is it on?
00:53:05.000
It's just like, I would not start with that guy.
00:53:09.000
Greg and I started one week apart from each other.
00:53:15.000
We would drive all the way to Rhode Island to do like fucking 10 minutes on an open mic for free.
00:53:27.000
You didn't realize how fun that was at the time.
00:53:33.000
We kind of enjoyed that we were getting on stage.
00:53:37.000
But we didn't think we were 21. We didn't think there was ever going to be a career.
00:53:42.000
I remember I went to this guy, DJ Hazard's apartment.
00:53:49.000
DJ Hazard had a loft in Massachusetts, somewhere outside of Boston.
00:53:53.000
And it was like they took an old school building and they converted it into apartments.
00:54:08.000
I remember thinking that, because I was doing three different jobs.
00:54:16.000
I was like, this guy's a professional comedian.
00:54:20.000
Everywhere you go, you see the little newspaper clippings.
00:54:25.000
And his face with his eyebrow raised up, looking hilarious.
00:54:33.000
That was back when comics were beefy and scary.
00:54:51.000
All the guys in Boston, like Dane Cook had a really good point about that.
00:54:56.000
They were all like six foot two, burly, 230 pound fucking gorillas.
00:55:08.000
Yeah, they said you want to get paid in cash or coke or both.
00:55:35.000
Yeah, Helium was letting me do shows over COVID. And so that was the way we'd be able to party with all our friends.
00:55:42.000
So we would do shows at Helium, and then once everybody left, we'd clear it out.
00:55:56.000
Yeah, he bought the Cap City name, and he's opening up a new Cap City in the domain.
00:56:06.000
Joe said he wants to go to every club in the city to let everybody know, like, hey, there's none of this.
00:56:21.000
You say that now, but then your numbers start going down.
00:56:26.000
Yeah, I bet you he's gonna be alright with the...
00:56:43.000
Do you have one of those masks you hold with a stick?
00:56:47.000
But the fact that you were, like, talked about in the debates, that's insane.
00:56:51.000
Like, the presidential debates, like, we should get Joe Rogan.
00:56:54.000
Yeah, Trump wanted me to host a debate with him and Biden in the podcast.
00:57:14.000
I probably would have worn one of my buddies t-shirts.
00:57:19.000
I love that one, the one that you have to look at with glasses.
00:57:27.000
Something happened in the move, and I can't find that fucking shirt.
00:57:35.000
If you put the glasses on, the shirt would perform for you.
00:57:41.000
We got a great shirt for tomorrow, for the secret show tomorrow.
00:57:55.000
I shouldn't even ruin it, but I'll just say it's just really cutesy.
00:58:16.000
We're donating one dollar from every ticket to Nambla on behalf of Luis Gomez.
00:58:43.000
They loved it so much that they actually formed a group.
00:58:47.000
They were like, yeah, there's just a lot of us out there.
00:58:49.000
We just got to get together and strengthen numbers.
00:59:05.000
You know what's weird about that is you're not supposed to say colored people.
00:59:24.000
You're going to go ahead and try to attack the NAACP? I think they're backwards.
00:59:35.000
It is weird to say people of color, but colored people's bad.
00:59:39.000
It just shows you how many goofy fucking things there are.
01:00:09.000
That might look like him after the Jason Ellis fight.
01:00:17.000
Back when he was younger, back when he was in his 20s and 30s a long time ago.
01:00:38.000
He's fighting Shane Carwin who's 260 fucking pounds and a former UFC heavyweight champion.
01:00:50.000
That's him fighting Uriah Faber in a boxing match.
01:01:11.000
He's training with Babalusa Brawl, who's a legend.
01:01:48.000
It's a 24-hour gym that seems like it might be some sort of a...
01:02:00.000
Shane's knocking him out with one arm behind his back.
01:02:08.000
You can't use that as a moment that Jason Ellis is good getting knocked out.
01:02:22.000
Okay, keep in mind, money's different for both of us.
01:02:24.000
I'm going to bet an amount that makes me feel like, oh, that's something.
01:02:33.000
Do we have to shake on it, or we're just friends?
01:02:49.000
He's got in your head because he's been friends with Jason for longer than you, Lewis.
01:03:05.000
Ellis told me that he's been knocked unconscious.
01:03:10.000
He had a professional MMA fight in the King of the Cage.
01:03:16.000
At the time, I believe he said like eight times.
01:03:29.000
Although he wants to be more of a superhero type.
01:03:37.000
We were like 18. He goes, are they just greedy?
01:03:43.000
It was like the funniest thing because we were like teenage muttons.
01:04:21.000
If Lewis dies on fentanyl in Skankfest, the bet is off.
01:04:32.000
I was having trouble sleeping for a while, so I asked a guy for some Xanax, and it was laced with fentanyl.
01:04:45.000
I asked the guy for some Xanax on the road, and I couldn't sleep.
01:04:48.000
I was doing so many gigs and drinking and all that stuff, and he gave me a bunch, and it fucked me up.
01:04:55.000
Tom Petty was in pain, and he got off of a show, and he got, I believe, from a roadie.
01:05:02.000
He asked a roadie if he had, I think he wanted, like, an oxy.
01:05:24.000
Yeah, he had blood, he had like a rare blood cancer.
01:05:29.000
But meanwhile, the fucking, and he's in his 80s, meanwhile the headlines, COVID took Colin Powell.
01:05:41.000
All the drugs, all the good drugs are like, you gotta be worried about it now.
01:05:45.000
Well, what they really should do is make them fucking legal so that everything can be tested.
01:05:50.000
Stan Hope wrote that immediately after Kate Quigley and those three guys died and she lived.
01:06:09.000
CVS says it's one cartel trying to ruin the supply of another cartel.
01:06:17.000
But it's like, if you have it at CVS, remember when CVS had a, there was some nut brand, mixed nut brand, and they recalled it all?
01:06:24.000
Because they're like, hey, it might have E. coli.
01:06:28.000
You would do that at CBS. If anything got infected, you'd be like, it's done.
01:06:32.000
They should have legit centers where you can test these things, and they should have legit places where you could buy actual cocaine.
01:06:42.000
Not cocaine mixed with a bunch of shit because the dealers are trying to cut it.
01:06:48.000
If someone just had the smarts to sell tests that were like mobile portable tests, whatever the fuck you're gonna take, put it in there, find out what the fuck is in it real quick.
01:07:00.000
Especially if you're drunk or high and you're just like...
01:07:04.000
So I was at a festival, Valley Vibes, Bonnaroo got canceled.
01:07:07.000
We found another one, Valley Vibes, just some small festival.
01:07:11.000
And they were like, hey, we want to test it first.
01:07:13.000
Which I assume just meant like, let's see if it's good before I buy a bunch.
01:07:16.000
But they went into their trailer and did a bunch.
01:07:24.000
They're like, hey, that is 100% mescaline, not acid at all.
01:07:28.000
That's a 24-hour trip instead of a fucking 10-hour trip.
01:07:31.000
Another time, they tried molly, and then it was like, that's synthetic molly, M-Bro.
01:07:37.000
It's just like, even if it's not fentanyl, it's anything else.
01:07:46.000
You ever seen the amount of fentanyl that it takes to kill you?
01:07:58.000
But if your helium shows were happening now and everyone's like, we've got Molly, everyone would be like, I can't.
01:08:06.000
If they were happening now with fentanyl around, it'd be like...
01:08:33.000
I think Louis and Rebecca are getting a test serve room.
01:08:44.000
It's terrifying because Quigley, don't say that five times.
01:08:51.000
Say that five times and she'll show up in a bikini.
01:08:58.000
It's just a terrible Trump impression, but the puns is where it's got.
01:09:01.000
Bro, that fucking speed dating with Trump is one of the best sketches online.
01:09:08.000
Those videos that you guys put out are fucking genius.
01:09:15.000
Almost as good as SNL. I don't even compare it to that.
01:09:27.000
Those are the two great sketches that are out there.
01:09:31.000
But the thing is, you don't have a fucking editor or a producer saying, ah, you're going too far.
01:09:38.000
It's like artists and executives, they don't have the same reason for existing.
01:09:44.000
The executives are just trying to have a thing successful so they can make money and they can continue upwardly and eventually produce movies.
01:10:02.000
It's like, hey, this wouldn't work on NBC. It's like, fine, fine.
01:10:08.000
A keever who's writing and directing and editing.
01:10:14.000
So if you do your own thing, you gotta have your own money.
01:10:34.000
Yeah, if we raised some money so John could quit his real job to write more shit, we would do it every day.
01:10:55.000
Because he makes $800 a minute on fucking Patreon.
01:11:02.000
But, you know, Dunnegan and Kurt Metzger are having the same issue.
01:11:19.000
Kyle Dunnegan's one of the best impressionists alive.
01:11:27.000
First off, you go into Kyle Dunnegan's house, it's terrifying.
01:11:36.000
And it's just him and Metzger, who is also out of his fucking mind.
01:11:41.000
And Metzger will come up with an idea, he'll say something, and then Donegan will just do the impression on the spot.
01:11:50.000
His text messages to me- You ever get caught in a Metzger text- Yeah.
01:11:55.000
He'll say one thing to you, hey, have you ever seen this?
01:11:59.000
They're just like laying you out a whole movie.
01:12:07.000
And he's just, again, another super underrated guy, underappreciated guy.
01:12:14.000
White Precious was like a last great Comedy Central special.
01:12:26.000
Best insult to call somebody because they can't even.
01:12:43.000
That's why you have a regular dick for your size.
01:12:48.000
If you put it on Jamie Kilstein, it'd be massive.
01:13:13.000
You're never going to get a blowjob ever except for someone that's terrifying.
01:13:20.000
But some of them people with a giant, like, Hilary Smank smile.
01:13:28.000
She did a trans movie back when that was a thing.
01:13:38.000
And weirdly hot where you're like, am I into her?
01:14:13.000
Biggest dick I've ever seen in my life was a mathematician from MIT that used to do Taekwondo with me.
01:14:25.000
He did Taekwondo, and he was oddly uncoordinated, but he had a dick that people would change in the locker room.
01:14:35.000
Like a baby's arm with an apple in his fist, like the old Lenny Bruce line.
01:14:49.000
I mean, I had a wife that looked like she was protecting a gold mine.
01:15:07.000
And he was like, you would never imagine if you saw the guy in real life.
01:15:19.000
The dick size is unaffected by your weight gain.
01:15:38.000
The weirdest thing is when a guy gains a shit ton of weight and then he has to lose it all and then they cut the skin off.
01:15:44.000
When they have all that extra skin and then they have a big line down the side of their bodies where they literally slice you and tighten you back up again and then you have to walk around like this for like three months.
01:16:05.000
Because some guys lose weight and they look shitty like Al Roker.
01:16:43.000
All you gotta do is bring up Ari's age and he shuts the fuck up.
01:17:17.000
There's a guy right now, somebody who's trying to buy this fucking park.
01:17:22.000
The last thing he needs is some dork coming on a podcast.
01:17:28.000
Can you imagine if Trump- Hey, Trump, why do you want this park so bad?
01:17:43.000
How'd you know there was so many Jews on there?
01:17:49.000
A lot of people think that you're going to put a prison there.
01:18:00.000
Have you had girls try to fucking do Trump in bed?
01:18:07.000
Done against Trump when he has the Trump surprise face.
01:18:10.000
When Stormy Daniels is calling on the fucking FaceTime.
01:18:18.000
Well, once that dude went to jail, that was it.
01:18:20.000
I love how our dream is everyone's fallback plan.
01:18:46.000
If someone embraced stand-up and then really got into it, you'd be cool with that.
01:18:51.000
It's like, I'll do it 20 times and then just cash in on my name.
01:18:53.000
To really get into it, you gotta bomb for a while.
01:19:02.000
The only guy that I've ever known that got famous and then started doing stand-up was Charlie.
01:19:07.000
Charlie Murphy was literally headlining after a year of doing comedy and going on the road, and he fucking had the balls to follow legit people, and he would bring them on the road with him.
01:19:33.000
You remember the guy responsible for the war in Iraq?
01:19:35.000
Yeah, that guy, the weapons of mass destruction.
01:19:37.000
Did he kill himself because he pulled out of Afghanistan?
01:19:46.000
There's more news stories about Chappelle than the Taliban.
01:19:49.000
There's more news stories about Chappelle than pulling out of Afghanistan.
01:20:16.000
They do occasionally, but most of the time it's...
01:20:31.000
It's not like a verbatim joke, but there's a theme.
01:20:34.000
You can see someone be like, we'll use a phrase that's from a meme.
01:20:45.000
The first time I did comedy, I was just stealing memes.
01:20:50.000
It's perfect for SNL. I want to tell you how big it is.
01:21:02.000
Another guy just retired because he got caught up in the Epstein photograph library.
01:21:10.000
Meanwhile, Bill Gates out there selling vaccines and soybeans.
01:21:13.000
See the picture of Bill Clinton and him just chilling at a bar, at a restaurant.
01:21:22.000
Trump was there, but he only went down there and he hung out with the staff once he found out what was going on.
01:21:29.000
Oh yeah, James Staley, Barclays CEO, steps down after a Jeffrey Epstein inquiry.
01:21:59.000
You can't get into it because you're like, you're having not a good time.
01:22:05.000
Like on Gooch to Butthole, the hairs are like this.
01:22:13.000
That's all I've been thinking about this whole time.
01:22:17.000
And then you saw my asshole, you're like, which one's you?
01:22:26.000
It's fun to clean your asshole, though, isn't it?
01:22:28.000
Because you're still rubbing it, but it's for health.
01:22:30.000
I shave it every few months, and it makes the fart sound totally different.
01:22:49.000
If you had real sponsors, you would know about Manscaped.com.
01:22:56.000
I only have drugs and I'm recovering from drugs.
01:23:08.000
I spread my legs apart, and I go head between the legs.
01:23:19.000
I just put it around my face just to know I could do it.
01:23:24.000
Through the jeans and you can touch your jeans with your head.
01:23:33.000
Do you remember that time when Bert said, can you do a split?
01:23:40.000
If you can bend your head and go fully flat, where do you think your face is and where's your dick?
01:23:47.000
First of all, you don't have a neck, so how can you get over that far?
01:24:08.000
You'd have to be like, I'm the guy who's getting his dick sucked.
01:24:30.000
You've gotten the dong close to the face just to be like, I could do it?
01:24:45.000
I have seen a lady in a video eat her own pussy, and I was like, good lord.
01:25:24.000
You drive to Mexico for a weekend, go nuts with a bunch of guys, and one guy, we're out there, you know, Drinking.
01:25:30.000
And one guy goes, you want to see Donkey's show?
01:25:57.000
The donkey's missing fur, the lady was kinda hot.
01:26:03.000
He was getting human pussy and he was malnourished?
01:26:09.000
When you see how many really beautiful women do porn, you're like, wow.
01:26:14.000
It's like, I think the way they really make money now is OnlyFans.
01:26:19.000
They came real close to cutting off that OnlyFans.
01:26:24.000
But then they went, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop.
01:26:33.000
Everyone started talking about, you can't stop the porn shows.
01:26:35.000
And they're like, That's right, we do have porn stars at OnlyFans!
01:26:44.000
No one wants to say it, but it's obvious everyone's talking about his special way more than the last one.
01:26:57.000
Remember that movie that was a famous movie at the end of the movie, the girl turned out to be a guy?
01:27:15.000
No, that was one of the most transphobic movies ever.
01:27:19.000
In the end, and it's Sean Young, who's hot as fuck.
01:27:34.000
It's like Egypt, and it was like an outer space person.
01:27:42.000
It was a famous movie, and at the end of the movie, it was revealed that it was actually...
01:28:15.000
When Tom Cruise plays the agent guy with a fat suit on.
01:28:18.000
That was when McConaughey made a switch for me.
01:28:22.000
McConaughey in Tropic Thunder is when he switched from like rom-com douche guy to like the fucking man.
01:28:29.000
Every now and then I'll get a fucking FaceTime from Matthew McConaughey.
01:28:49.000
And now he's talking about running for governor and shit?
01:28:52.000
The fucking crazy, hairy fucking wrists and everything.
01:29:03.000
Tom Cruise was the one in that movie that was like, give me those jacked forearms.
01:29:06.000
It was an action and like a real actor and he goes, let me try comedy and then just crushed it.
01:29:17.000
He does his own fucking stunts and he's like 80 years old.
01:29:27.000
Well, the thing is, if you really believe something, let's do it.
01:29:34.000
So listen, we just want to be protected against scandal.
01:29:39.000
Instead of us coming out, we've all thought about coming out as trans.
01:29:45.000
Oh yeah, they're saying he looks like Norm MacDonald now.
01:30:15.000
He's probably getting fat for a movie not telling anybody.
01:30:24.000
He defended the star's appearance, blaming his new look on age.
01:30:34.000
You know that moment where you step on the scale, like, alright, I'll lose 10 pounds.
01:30:55.000
It's crazy because he's still so much thinner than Shane and Joe.
01:31:19.000
I guess that's kind of the only metric that matters.
01:31:41.000
Now you lay on them and they get you with their dick in your mouth while they're triangling you.
01:31:47.000
We were there once and some guy, I forget his name, he's big into Ibogaine, and he was like, he got into a fight and he had to choke somebody out.
01:31:58.000
It's when we were on the road together a long time ago.
01:31:59.000
He had to choke somebody, he choked him out and then went to the bouncer's like, hey, I had to put him to sleep.
01:32:15.000
He was like 165 pounds, and some guy was an asshole.
01:32:21.000
And then, next thing you know, he fucking just strangles that guy.
01:32:27.000
So I'm leaving, obviously, but I just put a guy to sleep there.
01:32:33.000
I can learn that with one class, and I won't do it.
01:32:44.000
But it only takes like six months to be able to handle yourself against most humans.
01:32:50.000
Yeah, you can be competent enough to handle yourself against most people.
01:32:58.000
And he came to the stand and was like, I've been doing this.
01:33:42.000
Because it feels like, that could have been me, and you're like, what am I doing?
01:33:59.000
If someone touches my throat, I'm like, stop, stop, stop, stop.
01:34:02.000
In class once, in the first bomb squad, it was like we were doing arm triangles and just drills.
01:34:14.000
And he was like, I woke up with Eddie standing over me.
01:34:19.000
It happens all the time in class, and it's just, it's like a garden hose.
01:34:23.000
Like, say if you cut the water off a garden hose, like, you bend it, and it stops the water flowing, and you open it back up, and it flows again.
01:34:28.000
It doesn't have the same damage that, like, getting knocked out does.
01:34:34.000
I got knocked out at a party in college, and I pissed myself.
01:34:37.000
And my girlfriend at the time was over me, like, what?
01:34:51.000
She started fucking the guy who knocked me out.
01:35:00.000
That's why you can't let anybody who's angry get close to you.
01:35:02.000
When people are angry and they get close to you, you either got to push them away from you or grab them.
01:35:07.000
Because when they start doing that, anybody can get sucker punched.
01:35:10.000
Because, like, reaction time is so much slower than action time.
01:35:17.000
In reaction time, you're in the middle of real...
01:35:28.000
I saw Joe once, I'm not going to say who, but somebody got in his face, and it's just like, natural.
01:35:39.000
When people don't realize how vulnerable they are, and then they do, there's a moment where there's a look on their face where they're like, oh my god.
01:35:46.000
When you just grab their body and just squeeze it and hold them.
01:35:50.000
It's like the moment in school where they bring in signs instead of just numbers into math, and you're like, oh, I don't know it.
01:35:57.000
What's X? Y? Well, it's good to know something so you don't have to hurt someone.
01:36:01.000
So like in that situation, I didn't hurt the guy.
01:36:07.000
But remember when you were a kid, I feel like being...
01:36:14.000
Being knocked out used to be part of childhood, I thought.
01:36:22.000
I know people that have been knocked out and they've never been the same again.
01:36:32.000
Well, he did have fucking serious brain surgery.
01:36:41.000
When I found out he played football, I liked him a little more.
01:36:48.000
I'm racist, so I really liked a lot of what he was doing.
01:36:56.000
Well, the crime bill from 94. Yeah, I love the crime bill, so I was a big Biden guy for a long time.
01:37:02.000
I love seeing Shane on podcasts talk about stuff go the opposite way, and then people are like, what's that supposed to be?
01:37:09.000
I went and did Segura's podcast, and I sat down and I was just like, I love being in Texas.
01:37:22.000
Hey, Jamie, I'm going to send you something else.
01:37:45.000
I don't know what the fuck they're talking about.
01:37:57.000
My family, the Gillis family, owned mushroom farms.
01:38:05.000
Now, allegedly, the old legend goes, a guy delivering corn cobs to the Gillis mushroom farm drove a truck into Biden's wife and killed her.
01:38:30.000
Rewind it from the beginning and give me some volume.
01:38:46.000
As one computer said, if you're on the train and they say Portal Bridge, you know you better make other plans.
01:38:55.000
It's like watching your friend hit a vaporizer and call his parents.
01:39:00.000
They try to break this down like a football player.
01:39:02.000
One computer said, if you're on the train, and they say Portal Bridge, you know you better make it.
01:39:17.000
You're like, okay, they definitely don't know what Portal Bridge is.
01:39:29.000
The only way to check this through violent revolution.
01:39:40.000
I'm not doing the rest of this fucking podcast.
01:41:07.000
The physical act of coughing creates a person to sputter.
01:41:10.000
Their lungs compress, creates a lack of oxygen.
01:41:13.000
It's this momentary lack of oxygen in the brain that can actually heighten the feeling of cannabis high, making its effects more noticeable and your high seem more intense.
01:41:21.000
That sounds like someone who's a scientist that doesn't get high.
01:41:29.000
Well, the fact that you were coughing means you just took in so much that that's what made you cough.
01:41:39.000
So that was my first experience with weed was just getting launched into outer space.
01:41:44.000
Dude, did you go back and watch the early podcasts?
01:41:56.000
And some of the dumbest shit, like when people get in trouble for old clips, I was so high, I didn't even know what I was saying.
01:42:10.000
So you hit the button, and a fan blows, and it fills this bag up, and then you have like a socket, and you press the socket, and it...
01:42:18.000
It's not real smoke, so you don't see a lot coming out of your mouth, so it's deceptive.
01:42:22.000
It's a weird high, too, because there's something about the plant fiber.
01:42:36.000
But there's something about that high is a different high.
01:42:43.000
And I think you just get way more THC, because I think it's pure.
01:42:47.000
It's not coming in on a, like, burning plant rider.
01:42:50.000
Well, when you smoke a joint, you see a bunch of smoke come out.
01:42:57.000
It doesn't hurt your lungs, so you can take a way deeper hit.
01:43:05.000
Remember that shit where you'd go with the paper towel holder, the roll, and you'd go up against the wall and go up?
01:43:11.000
Remember you'd stand up with the guy who was blowing weed into your face?
01:43:18.000
You guys are both on your knees, and then you both go up together, and he blows, and you stand up and fall right down.
01:43:27.000
Yeah, it was like a shotgun, but it was a paper towel holder.
01:43:34.000
That's like a mix of shotgunning, but the thing where you stand up so fast that you pass out.
01:43:45.000
I think the craziest weed visuals are watching people in Vietnam smoking through the barrel of a rifle.
01:43:54.000
One guy will take a big hit, and he'll blow it through, and the other guy on the other end of the rifle will suck it in, and they do it all the time.
01:44:03.000
Yeah, they would smoke out of the barrel, yeah.
01:44:05.000
The best is parties, too, when girls are like, shotguns under my mouth, and you're like, we're making out for sure.
01:44:11.000
Shotgun in your mouth, that's like, yeah, that's step one.
01:44:14.000
Yeah, so these guys, they would use their fucking service rifles.
01:44:35.000
So he blows on it, and the other guy on the other end...
01:44:41.000
So he blows on the pipe, and then the other end is just fucking streamlining into these guys.
01:44:55.000
This is so ballsy to do this in the middle of the jungle.
01:45:02.000
I think they were accepting the warm embrace of death.
01:45:08.000
Imagine when you're over there and then you get older and you realize you went over there for no reason.
01:45:16.000
Friends who died, you know, and then you went over there for what?
01:45:19.000
Like a fake attack on America that they call the Gulf of Duncan incident.
01:45:23.000
The Gulf of Tonkin incident never really took place.
01:45:26.000
They pretended that North Vietnamese attacked us, so they had to go over there, and they were fighting against communism.
01:45:32.000
So Americans died, and then years and years later, the Freedom of Information Act comes out, and they realize that there was no real event, and then it's just bullshit.
01:45:55.000
The reason why it stung is that my story was boring.
01:46:00.000
There was a senator who ran on, did a bunch of time as senator, ran on the fact that he was a hero, and then it came out and he was like, hey, I can't hide this anymore.
01:46:14.000
There was some senator who was like, he was a Vietnam hero.
01:46:17.000
And then it comes out later, he's like, no, I raped and killed a bunch of people.
01:46:26.000
Yeah, but he was like 20, 30 years in the Senate, I was like this hero, but the whole time it was just like that.
01:46:31.000
Yeah, but remember when Al Franken almost touched that lady's boobs?
01:46:42.000
That was back when Al Franken was a comedian, too, and not a senator.
01:47:20.000
I got bumped when I first started, and we talked about it.
01:47:25.000
We saw this guy bump four days in a row, and I remember Rogan, already Fear Factor Rogan, like pretty big, going like, I call in.
01:47:37.000
But it's a thing where you earn that right to bump and you used to watch like all these guys come in and bump and there's a thing that people wanted.
01:47:45.000
It was like encouraged in the culture I think before we started talking about it.
01:47:49.000
I think it was encouraged to be a guy who got so big that you could bump.
01:47:55.000
And there was a few people that would bump that really shouldn't have been bumping.
01:47:59.000
Like real fucking fringe on a WB show that no one's watching.
01:48:13.000
I think it was just no one told him what the deal was.
01:48:16.000
The problem is he was doing senator impressions of guys from the Oklahoma Republican.
01:48:24.000
And the cellar crowd is like 20-year-old girls from NYU. 30% of them know what the fuck he's talking about.
01:48:29.000
They're just like, I guess that's an impression.
01:48:32.000
Remember when Dennis Miller would say a bunch of crazy shit that no one could know and people would laugh?
01:48:39.000
It would be like the most obscure references about the 1400s.
01:48:45.000
You had to know what he was saying or you were a fucking loser.
01:48:51.000
I was on a plane with Norm Macdonald once just randomly and he sat next to me and he goes, you know, he doesn't even know any of that stuff.
01:48:59.000
He's like, yeah, he just fucking finds out and writes it down, and he just says it.
01:49:11.000
Isn't it the most Norm thing ever to not tell everybody that you were dying of cancer and then just die?
01:49:29.000
He said he was going to Canada to take care of his mom.
01:49:33.000
He told Adam Egan he's got a big race coming for him.
01:49:49.000
He expressed himself how he was really thinking.
01:49:51.000
Like, he would say something fucked up to you in the green room, he would say the exact same thing on stage.
01:49:57.000
He had this way of looking at things that was...
01:50:17.000
He was drinking a Coca-Cola, and he got heckled, and he was like, I don't want to do this.
01:50:27.000
Completely randomly, two times in my life, I sat next to him on a plane.
01:50:33.000
Yep, once in Vancouver and once somewhere else.
01:50:35.000
And the last one, he was talking about, yeah, I quit smoking.
01:50:42.000
And, you know, fucking smoking's terrible for you.
01:50:46.000
He walks as fast as he can off the plane right into one of those stores and buys a pack of cigarettes.
01:50:52.000
And he's opening up it, and he's got one in his mouth as he's out the door.
01:50:56.000
He went on for an hour about how it's terrible for you.
01:51:03.000
He goes, yeah, but all that fucking talking about it, I wanted a cigarette.
01:51:12.000
Just invited people to go do tennis and stuff so he'd be like, pick me up on the way.
01:51:23.000
I mean, he couldn't light it quick enough on the way out the door.
01:51:51.000
We all went to a Halloween parade dressed as Batman.
01:52:04.000
And I just used the Batman cape, found a cup on the floor, and just pissed into it.
01:52:20.000
He would fill a kombucha bottle and then he was like, fuck, I can't hold it.
01:52:29.000
I had to run out of the studio, get him a second bottle and come in.
01:52:32.000
And I had to take his warm bottle of piss and screw the cap onto it.
01:53:04.000
It's shown right here on a fucking sewer grate.
01:53:13.000
You're just hanging around with that jug of piss.
01:53:19.000
It says, why is there a COVID resource link on this video?
01:53:31.000
Is there really a COVID? Oh my god, look at that!
01:53:47.000
They always put a COVID warning on the Instagram videos.
01:53:59.000
Do you know the UK is about to, well, they're trying to pass a law called, I think it's like the online safety bill.
01:54:08.000
What essentially they're trying to do is they're trying to pass a law where they can put you in jail for, it says trolls.
01:54:21.000
I can never Here's the thing, it's so subjective.
01:54:27.000
Now, I don't think this has passed yet, and maybe people are realizing that, but jail time for trolls, and the way they're...
01:54:35.000
But they're calling emotional, psychological...
01:54:38.000
Obviously physical harm is actually a problem, but I don't know how you do that online anyway.
01:54:42.000
You could say you could make a person do something physical to themself, which people have already been convicted of, like cyberbullying through text messages and stuff, telling people to kill themselves.
01:54:53.000
People have already gotten in trouble for that.
01:54:59.000
The way they're leaving it right now, here's one.
01:55:07.000
Imagine if this was ten months ago when you weren't allowed to bring up the lab leak theory for COVID. And so you wrote it, the lab leak theory is real, and then they put you in fucking jail.
01:55:15.000
And then they find out when you're doing two years in jail that actually Fauci lied, it might have come out of a fucking lab.
01:55:21.000
Yeah, it'd almost be like saying the earth was...
01:55:34.000
We're bending over backwards for the retards in our society.
01:55:38.000
That's bad, but this is way worse because This is the potential for the government to step in and say that what you're doing is causing people harm so they can just lock you up and put you in jail.
01:55:48.000
So you're making fun of Joe Biden and you're making fun of Joe Biden and people say, well, this causes harm to elderly people because you're talking about old guys shitting his pants and forgetting where he lives.
01:55:57.000
If we get to that point where anything people say that's remotely offensive or most of what's on Reddit or Fortune, it's all fun.
01:56:08.000
Like, and they're doing it to make each other laugh.
01:56:20.000
We had a whole thing where he just taught his dog how to do the highlight or to fuck with his girlfriend.
01:56:30.000
And then they said, like, you owe us fines and put you in jail.
01:56:46.000
So, you know, you get a nice golden retriever or something.
01:56:59.000
He's leaving his house in cuffs after he made his dog- A golden retriever?
01:57:16.000
What if he made his dog do something that made it look like Genghis Khan?
01:57:30.000
There's a quote, kill a million people and it's a story, kill one person, it's a tragedy.
01:57:50.000
It's something about big numbers that weird us out and we lose connection.
01:57:54.000
When you think about how big the universe is, your brain just goes, I'm out.
01:58:05.000
It's just a book about what happened between the Soviets and the Nazis.
01:58:11.000
In Ukraine and Poland and Belarus and all that.
01:58:17.000
And every time, you've got to just visualize a stadium.
01:58:21.000
Because I know how much a college football stadium is.
01:58:26.000
You go in, you see 80,000 people, and then you imagine like, today we got killed.
01:58:35.000
That's how many people visualize humans in college football.
01:58:43.000
Speaking of stadiums, I'll be at the Wilbur Theatre December 9th.
01:59:02.000
And you're like, alright, they want me to go to Alaska.
01:59:10.000
And then Comedy Central called me and your manager like, thanks for ruining our vacation, Ari.
01:59:15.000
The idea was we're going to film it in Alaska because, like, I want to go somewhere where I never go.
01:59:36.000
They're more resilient because they have to deal with ridiculous weather.
01:59:42.000
They'll run away from the law and move up there.
02:00:16.000
Oh yeah, we had caught these crazy kinks and we saw a fucking moose.
02:00:26.000
We rented a car and we figured we'll get out of the car and spray ourselves down with the mosquito repellent.
02:00:32.000
We fucking opened the car door and there was like a hundred mosquitoes inside the car.
02:00:51.000
After the first day, we were like, let's go to sleep.
02:00:58.000
Yeah, you can drink your way out of mosquitoes.
02:01:03.000
It's an interesting attitude those people have.
02:01:12.000
They have the same culture, essentially, but they're way more resilient.
02:01:19.000
And the people that move there are the people that cherish those kind of communities.
02:01:23.000
They know how to fucking start fires in the rain.
02:01:35.000
I can't believe he's already pissed in this room.
02:01:39.000
I was like, I should tell him, don't pee in the room.
02:01:55.000
I've been friends with Ari since he was an open miker working as a door guy.
02:02:30.000
We've got to get you and Dunnegan, him doing Biden, you doing Trump together.
02:02:34.000
Dunnegan's Biden is impeccable, but his Trump is cartoonish.
02:02:41.000
Who's the best Trump impersonator in the country?
02:03:07.000
I don't know a lot compared to gun nuts, but compared to regular people, I know a lot.
02:03:14.000
If you have a gun, if you're on a set, if somebody...
02:03:22.000
I thought somebody else did it, but I was fucking up something.
02:03:37.000
If someone gives you a gun, you always open up the chamber, you look at it, you always point it down on the ground, you never point it towards a person, and I don't even think a live round is even ever supposed to be on the set.
02:04:06.000
Yeah, and she knew all this shit about Hillary, and they're like, oh, she's going to come out with it, and then they shot her.
02:04:19.000
By the way, dude, that was your metric for I'm not that fat?
02:04:49.000
No, not be overweight, 190. Obesity is like 225. How do you figure in thick people?
02:04:56.000
First of all, 98% of people go like, oh, work out.
02:05:06.000
Samoan men with their fucking wide shoulders, wide bones.
02:05:10.000
Those dudes are heavy as fuck just from just living.
02:05:47.000
The percentage of your body fat shows if you're obese.
02:05:58.000
Do you know that an average woman from 2021 is heavier than an average man from 1970?
02:06:17.000
The average woman from 2021 is as heavy as the average man from 1960 or 70?
02:06:25.000
People that have extra money for fucking extra food.
02:06:29.000
I feel like there's a caveat there that I'm missing.
02:06:38.000
Sorry our empire succeeded so much that we're fat.
02:06:56.000
The use of petrochemical plastics has polluted people's bodies.
02:07:05.000
Wait, did you do the recycling stuff before you realized your gooch would shrink?
02:07:11.000
I realized the gooch is shrinking pretty recently.
02:07:24.000
The parents get these phthalates in their body, and the woman has the phthalates in their body while the child is inside of her.
02:07:30.000
And then the kids are showing developmental issues in terms of their hormones and sexuality.
02:07:40.000
They're saying that sperm counts have radically decreased.
02:07:51.000
A taint, apparently, according to this woman, Dr. Shanna Swan, is the best indication in mammals of whether or not it's a male or female.
02:07:59.000
You look at the size between the organ, the sex organ, and the asshole.
02:08:10.000
When they introduce phthalates, these plastics...
02:08:26.000
It's weird how little skin is between a woman's vagina and butthole.
02:08:29.000
Like, if I was a lady, I'd be way self-conscious about that.
02:08:32.000
Right, the woman's taint is much smaller than a male's taint.
02:08:49.000
Was it you or Dice that had been about fucking so hard you just had one giant pussy and asshole together?
02:09:04.000
Dyson's a guy, there's a guy who's still doing it exactly the way he always did it.
02:09:09.000
There is no consideration at all for a changing of the times.
02:09:22.000
When he comes to the stand and he performs there and you just...
02:09:27.000
Dude, he'll pull a chair up to the front row and be like, what are you looking at, bitch?
02:09:38.000
He used to go on when we were like, no crowd left.
02:09:41.000
The comedy store just goes till zero people are there or 2 a.m.
02:09:46.000
And he's like, he came in, he's like, yeah, I'll go on.
02:09:50.000
He just went on for like an hour for two people.
02:09:52.000
Never seen a guy less concerned with how he did on stage.
02:09:58.000
Hicks, in the early days, I saw him bomb once, and he didn't give a fuck, but never seen anything like Dyson.
02:10:03.000
Dice literally gives zero fucks when he's on stage.
02:10:13.000
Let's see how long I can go before I even say anything that makes any sense.
02:10:17.000
Just to entertain the four or five people in the back.
02:10:32.000
He went out to a thing where he wanted to go the longest he could without saying anything.
02:10:44.000
Sometimes he would just stare at the people, no one knew what to do.
02:10:55.000
He had David Taylor open up for him because he was like, they won't like this.
02:11:43.000
Well, it was just, it was like, we started late, but you gotta go on.
02:12:12.000
This is six Bud Lights in, ladies and gentlemen, I just want to point that out.
02:12:28.000
What's the hardest you've ever bombed going after somebody, though?
02:13:12.000
And then you go on, they're like, who the fuck is you?
02:13:23.000
I want to say it was like some kind of a festive show.
02:13:39.000
But there was like one other comic was on stage with him.
02:13:44.000
And I remember walking on stage and I was like, Jesus Christ.
02:13:47.000
People make a mistake with Brad and with Bridget Everett.
02:13:50.000
They're like, well, maybe they're not as big as other comics.
02:13:56.000
No one follows Bridget and no one follows Brad.
02:14:18.000
The hardest I've ever bombed was going on after Jim Brewer.
02:14:21.000
Oh my god, early in my career, like in the early 90s, Jim and I did this gig outside of the city.
02:14:38.000
And Thursday was fine, Friday was fine, Saturday first show was fine, but Saturday second show, he caught a fucking wave.
02:14:48.000
You know how you do a whole weekend and you just get loose as fuck?
02:15:01.000
During the week, you'd get a 15-minute here, a 10-minute set here.
02:15:05.000
You'd get a bunch of sets, but to be able to do a solid half an hour in front of a really excited crowd on a Saturday night...
02:15:15.000
And I'm in the back, and he's doing this bit about his mom being drunk.
02:15:20.000
No, him coming home, and he's drunk, and he sees his mom.
02:15:27.000
And I'm going over all my bits, going, oh my god, that bit sucks.
02:15:41.000
You know when you're feeling your feet on the stage like, this is going to be bad.
02:15:47.000
It was like, you've got to tighten up your shit.
02:15:48.000
Sometimes you keep the same act for too long, and you don't do an inventory of it.
02:15:56.000
Do I have these same bits for a long time just because I'm comfortable saying them this way because that's how I've been saying them?
02:16:05.000
When you see someone murder and then you bomb and you realize this is a confidence thing, it's also, I don't have confidence in my material.
02:16:11.000
Well, why don't I have confidence in my material?
02:16:26.000
When you go on after someone that's really good, that was the thing that Mitzi always used to do.
02:16:30.000
If you were an up-and-coming comic, she would throw you on after someone who's really good.
02:16:36.000
If you're that guy who gets that 915 spot every night, like, mwah!
02:16:46.000
But if you're going on after a bunch of murderers, man, and you're a new person, like, you've only been doing comedy four or five years, oof...
02:16:56.000
I was getting better and starting to feel confident.
02:16:59.000
So he told Eleanor, I was like, I'm going to go bury Ari.
02:17:08.000
Just eat a dick while he's back there laughing at how bad I'm doing.
02:17:11.000
Eleanor, they're all laughing, and I can't get him.
02:17:16.000
Like, let me bury this guy, let me show this guy what's what.
02:17:22.000
It's a real benefit to the guy who gets buried.
02:17:24.000
It hurts him the most, but some of my best moments in my comedy career have been growth after bombing.
02:17:31.000
Like, realizing that I bombed and then going, oh, Jesus Christ.
02:17:45.000
There was a bunch of different factors that it could be.
02:17:48.000
One thing that's nice at the cellar, like, one time I got there and Louie bumped me.
02:17:53.000
Louie was in the hallway and I was like, ah, fuck.
02:18:00.000
No, it was Louie C.K. And I got there and I was like, ah, fuck.
02:18:12.000
It's a small room, so if you follow a famous person, everybody's just happy.
02:18:24.000
Yeah, I think it's 180. Not even close to 180. I think it's Google-able.
02:18:28.000
I think it's close to 110. No, I think it's 180. It's small.
02:18:33.000
Boston comedy was even smaller than that, if I remember right.
02:18:40.000
If you didn't get them, I wasn't good enough for small rooms, if that makes any sense.
02:18:47.000
Yeah, bigger crowds are easier, but then if it's too big, it's another animal.
02:18:50.000
Right, because then they're not connected to you, so they don't feel bad if they don't laugh.
02:19:15.000
They have the Comedy Underground and they have the seller, right?
02:19:27.000
Then the comedy star is the OR. Is that where Bobby did his special?
02:19:30.000
McDougal's 124. Joe List did his special there.
02:19:40.000
It was like somebody pussed out of following somebody big.
02:19:44.000
And Jay's like, man, they're having such a good time now.
02:19:54.000
If you want to think long term, it's a stress test for your jokes.
02:20:00.000
There is something, though, that it's like those first two minutes.
02:20:17.000
So Louis would go on after Seinfeld and be like, how am I supposed to follow that guy?
02:20:23.000
And then everybody would be like, yeah, how is he supposed to follow him?
02:20:26.000
Meanwhile, if you just go up and fucking get into it...
02:20:35.000
We just got to see Louis C.K. How awesome is that?
02:20:38.000
Moved it right into a bit about like, it's fun going out, but they were on his side because we all thought, oh this guy gets it.
02:20:45.000
What you're saying is, don't say, how am I going to follow that?
02:20:51.000
I had to follow Seinfeld at Gotham, and this is like five years ago, and he was working out new, he had a pad up there, and I went, don't worry folks, I'm going to try.
02:21:14.000
It was Rock, Louie, and then Phil Hanley had to go on.
02:21:31.000
I mean, not your opening statement, but a solid bit, right?
02:21:34.000
I went up to Chappelle at the store once and I just made fun of how dumb he holds a cigarette.
02:21:44.000
Yeah, there's something about those kind of clubs, whether it's the cellar or the store, like, those are so important.
02:21:50.000
You can't just have a club where it's like, you know, these comics that grow up, or they come up, rather, in these towns that only have, like, an improv, and they have, like, big-time headliners on the weekend, you know, and they don't have, like, the store was, you could always get a spot.
02:22:11.000
The developmental ability of a place like that, because you could be doing a set in the belly room for 30 people and then go downstairs and watch Joey Diaz kill in the OR for a packed room.
02:22:25.000
You were on the same circuit as these monsters.
02:22:27.000
You got to see Chappelle walk in, and Rock walk in, and Louis walk in, and all these different people go up and kill.
02:22:32.000
You got to see Burr do sets there, and you were doing sets in that same club.
02:22:39.000
And then you don't even notice, too, the guys feel like, oh, it's tough to follow Louis C.K., but then the under-discovered comics who are crushers, you're like, god damn.
02:23:10.000
You know, I grew up in the craziest town ever in Boston.
02:23:41.000
Now you've got to imagine, Harrisburg Comedy Zone, dead, and then there's a guy on stage who's clearly on meth.
02:23:51.000
He says, I figured out how Barack Obama got his name.
02:23:59.000
And his mom was on the table and she's like, Doctor, what is it?
02:24:05.000
And that's where Shane got his love for Asian humor.
02:24:12.000
Metzger and Heath to Queef were on the same wavelength.
02:24:16.000
Adderall and meth, they're really close together.
02:24:25.000
There was a guy I started out with who killed a guy with a stick.
02:24:28.000
Yeah, a guy I started out with from Rhode Island.
02:24:31.000
He beat a guy to death while we were all doing stand-up.
02:24:34.000
And then he went to jail for a long time and then came back and started doing stand-up again.
02:24:41.000
He got in a fight with some guy and he beat him to death with a branch.
02:24:55.000
Well, you gotta think, how many of those guys you started out with were like mental patients?
02:25:00.000
The crazy different types of people that come together as just like normal friends.
02:25:09.000
We got MMA, we got Jewface, we got Mechanicsburg, and we got NOLA. Yeah, this should have never happened.
02:25:21.000
Yeah, and if people want comedy, like, you gotta allow fuck-ups.
02:25:25.000
Like, the idea that you want us to act like regular folks is ridiculous.
02:25:31.000
You gotta know that we're not mean, but you gotta understand that, like, what we're doing, the way we're doing it, the reason why we're doing it that way is because it's the only way to be really funny.
02:25:38.000
To make each other laugh about shit you're not supposed to say.
02:25:50.000
Carlin was famous for the seven words you can't say.
02:26:12.000
No, when Carl was around, you could say the N-word.
02:26:28.000
Listen, boys, I'm willing to cancel all my other guests and just do podcasts with you guys to the end of time.
02:26:38.000
You're great, Joe, at not leading it too hard that way.
02:26:45.000
But that's the weirdest thing about what this is.
02:26:49.000
Like, how the fuck is these things all together, you know?
02:26:52.000
How is this debates about mRNA vaccines and their fucking...
02:27:00.000
And Schultz's like, I don't know, I'm just telling dick jokes.
02:27:41.000
I mean, intimate's good, but 20 people's weird.
02:27:54.000
That's one of the weirder aspects of my life now.
02:27:57.000
There was a moment, like, I guess, two or three years ago, I realized I needed to hire murderers.
02:28:06.000
Hire a bunch of fucking veterans and bad motherfuckers to watch everything.
02:28:10.000
There was a certain point in time where I was like, this thing is getting too weird.
02:28:36.000
I actually got to the point where I didn't mind reading it.
02:28:42.000
And you get a certain amount of tolerance and after a while you get it.
02:28:46.000
You don't need to go back and keep getting bitten by snakes.
02:28:49.000
And if you're hard enough on yourself, if you're hard enough on yourself, you don't need people to be hard on you all day long.
02:28:55.000
And if you go online, most of what people like to do is shit on people.
02:29:00.000
If I was 15 years old and had a fucking Twitter account, it would have been a disaster.
02:29:04.000
People are pulling up those tweets to the end of time.
02:29:08.000
I was a young kid, and I would have been doing it for fun, just like most of the people out there that are shitting on you in the comments on Instagram and Facebook and wherever.
02:29:19.000
Most of them also are the dorks you're trying to piss off.
02:29:22.000
Like, the stuff you do with the seller and stuff, you're like, ah, normal people can't take this.
02:29:25.000
So you're like, and then some normal person is like, I don't like this.
02:29:28.000
No, normal people, I'm not talking about reading a comment where it's like, I saw him and he was racist.
02:29:34.000
I'm talking about a dude on Reddit that's fucking in the heart.
02:29:41.000
Those guys, but if they nail it, that's why it hurts.
02:29:45.000
Because there's something about what they're saying that's accurate.
02:29:47.000
But if you know you fucking crushed, and you are really happy with the way the material turned out, and you did a great set, and then someone shits on that, that's on them.
02:30:17.000
There are these documentaries about stand-ups, about stand-up comedy.
02:30:23.000
And they're really, really good, well-researched.
02:30:43.000
When I saw they reviewed my special, I was with my girlfriend, and I was like, you gotta leave the room.
02:30:49.000
I'm gonna watch this, and if this is what I think it is, I'm gonna be upset.
02:30:56.000
I watched it, and actually the guy was like, this is pretty good.
02:31:02.000
They're not hit pieces, but it often rests in the negative sometimes, and it's fucking bad.
02:31:08.000
The thing about what you would do if you were on the outside is you would do the exact same thing.
02:31:14.000
Especially, look, who likes to attack heroes more than you do?
02:31:18.000
When Oprah, fucking Whitney Houston went down and Oprah's like...
02:31:22.000
Anytime anybody dies, I just immediately go and check Ari's Twitter.
02:31:28.000
It's because everyone's saying like, oh, I'm so hurt by it.
02:31:46.000
He was another guy that didn't tell people he had cancer.
02:31:49.000
He's another bad motherfucker who didn't tell people.
02:31:54.000
But how lame is it to be like, Guys, he was amazing.
02:32:06.000
No, some of those guys do hurt when they die, but it's still like, don't say that.
02:32:15.000
No, I said his last words when it comes to the Ari show.
02:32:31.000
I told you about Princess Di once and a lady came after him.
02:32:40.000
Well, you know, if they're on the outside and you're shitting on their hero and they don't even know you, like, who the fuck is this guy?
02:32:48.000
Especially someone like Amy Winehouse, who died so young.
02:33:00.000
Surly Shane's going to have to fucking try to grab my dick, for sure.
02:33:08.000
In my head, I'm just like, damn, Kobe's the best, dude.
02:33:24.000
Outside of this room, like, where it would really fuck with you if they died.
02:33:57.000
I'm glad you bailed because you've been stung before.
02:34:04.000
Adam Sandler dying would be a goddamn disaster.
02:34:08.000
It would have to be somebody doing it right now.
02:34:13.000
So then you're like, oh, we're about to get this great new thing and now we won't get it.
02:34:16.000
When Michael Jackson dies, that's going to hurt.
02:34:31.000
Shaq and Charles Barkley, and Shaq seems like he's like a Great Dane where it's like he's old for as big as he is.
02:34:43.000
He's going to fall one day, and it's going to be over.
02:34:51.000
I met him for 10 seconds at the beginning of COVID. Me and him were the only guys at the airport, gave him a high five, and then I got to my...
02:35:01.000
I got to my hotel and they were like, Charles Barkley's getting tested for COVID. Look at everybody look away from my story.
02:35:11.000
You just put the moving image on there and Shane's like, fuck off.
02:35:29.000
Paris Hilton is a DJ. I'm watching you on the screen though.
02:35:31.000
Jamie, could you put on, go to Eggstyrone Instagram and look at...
02:35:37.000
By the way, Eggstyrone, shout out to Eggstyrone.
02:35:41.000
So what this guy does is he puts music to videos that don't fit.
02:35:46.000
So usually it's like Muslim guys dancing and he puts on hip-hop shit rules.
02:36:46.000
Bro, we gotta do a show and we have a show that starts in 12 minutes.
02:37:21.000
Mark, you shouldn't make jokes like that and make fun of me on this show.
02:37:28.000
Mark, you shouldn't make fun of me on the goddamn Joe Rogan experience, dude.
02:37:37.000
One day a week I'll branch off and I'll have a scientist on.
02:37:58.000
We're not planning on partying with your kids tonight.
02:38:15.000
He snores so bad he had to get technology involved.
02:38:20.000
Before you go to bed, you go, goodnight, honey.
02:38:26.000
I don't respect women enough to not snore in front of them.
02:38:33.000
I will choke in the sleep in the middle of the night.
02:38:41.000
Did you notice it where you would literally be like...
02:38:44.000
Like when you wake up, you're like, oh, I'm out of breath?
02:39:03.000
I actually wouldn't mind a little bit of sleep apnea as far as me passing away.
02:39:16.000
Joey has a CPAP machine that he brings with him.
02:39:23.000
My girlfriend's always like, I thought you were going to die.
02:39:40.000
Like some guys have a big dick, some guys have a little mouth hole.
02:40:11.000
He's holding up a sign with his bad shoulder and it hurts.
02:40:18.000
You took the vaccine and it barely worked on you.
02:40:32.000
I don't like saying the vaccine's fake because that's not the type of guy I am.
02:40:53.000
Dude, when I was on the road with Rogan, he would always leave like 40 minutes late for no reason.
02:40:58.000
And then we get to the show, they're like, hey, it's supposed to start five minutes ago.
02:41:00.000
And Joe's like, hey, they're not gonna start without us.
02:41:10.000
I didn't want him to freak out before the show.
02:41:14.000
And when we started doing theaters, especially, they always started late.
02:41:22.000
I'm there on time, but I know the show's not going to start at any time.
02:41:31.000
Some of the stuff you said tonight has pissed me off.
02:41:44.000
I like how he's in, like, an IV drip of alcohol, essentially.
02:41:48.000
And then I'm like, I like to take it in fucking pill form.
02:42:17.000
A lot of guys get excited about fucking your butt after hearing that.
02:42:33.000
We're going to put a plastic bag over that and seal it until the next time you're here so you can smell your own fart.
02:42:41.000
Jamie, buy an extra mic so that no one uses that mic ever again.
02:43:00.000
There's these guys that come in here, they talk to you, they don't know what they're saying.
02:43:38.000
Anyway, we made a video and Don Jr. retweeted it.
02:43:41.000
We made one sketch and we were like, let's not make it political.
02:43:56.000
Is it the same guy that jumped off that bridge?
02:44:10.000
It's hilarious when you watch the son of a president who is making shit jokes about the vice president.
02:44:25.000
Remember, this is a guy who's very politically visible, right?
02:44:30.000
He's the son of the President of the United States, the most polarizing president ever.
02:44:34.000
And this is the kind of shit that he puts on his Instagram.
02:44:40.000
It's Joe Biden standing next to the Pope, and the Pope says, was that a fart?
02:44:59.000
James Vick is a dude who used to fight the UFC. Shout out to James Vick.
02:45:16.000
That's the thing about a lot of these memes that people don't know.
02:45:18.000
There's a thing called the Internet Research Agency in Russia.
02:45:23.000
A woman that's been on this podcast named Renee DiResta, and she did a deep dive into this thing.
02:45:27.000
She found hundreds of thousands of hilarious memes, and they had come out of Russia.
02:45:32.000
So all these memes shitting on Hillary Clinton, and a lot of them you get that are hilarious, they're made in Russia, and they're made to sow the seeds of dissent.
02:45:49.000
Like, meme style is so different than stand-up.
02:45:59.000
It's a style of thinking, though, that you don't...
02:46:15.000
A lot of people are saying the Russians are making the memes.
02:46:30.000
Schultz went to Russia like a fucking gangster and just did stand-up and wasn't even sure if they could speak English.
02:46:54.000
That's him on stage in front of a bunch of Russians.
02:47:01.000
In Russian culture, it's very disrespectful to slap the mic against your thigh.
02:47:28.000
Take a screenshot of exactly that and send it to me, because that's the perfect size stage.
02:47:46.000
I'll show you what we need to do and what's going to happen, but it's pretty awesome.
02:47:55.000
No, but there's one that's nearby that I have a membership to.
02:48:00.000
I've been thinking about buying an MPX ever since you and me went to that fucking...
02:48:19.000
So I took him and they taught him how to shoot guns.
02:48:25.000
No, because I think less of you than most people do, so it's like a negative thing.
02:48:29.000
I like shooting guns and then he said, let's shoot guns.
02:48:54.000
That's how you would be treated by me, with a firearm.
02:49:00.000
I'll treat you like fucking Gomez will treat Ellis.
02:49:05.000
Ellis is about to fucking rain terror on Gomez.
02:49:16.000
If you donate something I hate, I'll be so mad at you.
02:49:18.000
I'll donate it to get rid of the East River Park.
02:49:38.000
Imagine if that guy becomes president and treats the United States.
02:49:57.000
Biden is the biggest fucking government agent in the planet.
02:50:03.000
He's the president of the United States of America.
02:50:07.000
If Joe Biden was here right now, I might give him a knuckle sandwich.
02:50:12.000
If you were Trump and you were talking to Joe Biden?
02:51:01.000
If I had to choose one dude to go to New Orleans with, it would be Biden's kid.
02:51:08.000
If there's a fucking president's son that's ever lived that I want to hang out with, it's Biden.
02:51:22.000
Well, this is what I would say, honestly, and this is my thought going forward, if he ever listens to this.
02:51:31.000
I couldn't imagine what it would be like to be the son of a president, and I'm not going to ask any embarrassing questions about money.
02:51:45.000
If he wasn't the vice president's son, you wouldn't be interested.
02:51:47.000
Of course I would be because he's the vice president's son.
02:51:53.000
No, he's the president's son, not just the vice president.
02:52:00.000
I'll come over there and give you a cheap leg kick.
02:52:02.000
Look, his art fails to attract visitors after sparking controversy pricing one of his paintings at $500,000.
02:52:16.000
What if he had to do blow on his side and come back every 20 minutes?
02:52:27.000
It's not his fault that his fucking dad used to be the vice president and then became the president.
02:52:31.000
It's not his fault that he got hooked on coke like a lot of friends that I have that have been hooked on coke.
02:52:35.000
Wasn't there more damning things other than coke?
02:52:48.000
Listen, if anyone wants to find that information out, you can go online.
02:52:51.000
I want to find out, like, what is it like to be that guy.
02:52:58.000
Anybody can talk scandalous and make them uncomfortable.
02:53:02.000
I want to know, like, look, you're a human fucking being.
02:53:08.000
We would all be him if we were born in that fucking family.
02:53:36.000
A matter of if Chet Hanks got together with the Island Boys and they made a fucking LP and it went number one?
02:53:42.000
It would go number one to signal the end of society.
02:53:46.000
By the way, Hans Kim is shitting blood right now.
02:53:57.000
What have you been saying about me all this time?
02:54:25.000
No, but if I had one, what if he was like that kid?
02:54:34.000
He's like, oh, everybody, I need you to get your vaccines.
02:54:36.000
I need you to do that in the honor of President Biden.
02:54:45.000
If this was a weekly show, it would be the biggest show in the fucking country.
02:54:50.000
What we should do is figure out a way to stop on our way somewhere.
02:54:53.000
I'll fly you guys in any time you want to do it.
02:55:07.000
I was like, hey, we're going to be in Houston on this day.
02:55:12.000
If everyone knew in advance, the problem is I couldn't have you snoring and my fucking 11-year-old comes running into my room.
02:55:29.000
Listen, my kids will shoot you, and I'm not kidding.
02:55:32.000
If they didn't know you were in the house, and you were in the house in the hallway, they'll fucking shoot you.
02:56:00.000
I would tell you as soon as I automated this off, I was like, hey, we're going to be in Houston on the third.
02:56:05.000
Any interest in having a podcast on the second?
02:56:10.000
Yeah, I was ready to cancel anything that was in the way.
02:56:27.000
That's the thing that I miss the most about comedy is hanging with comedians.
02:56:40.000
He actually sent me a text about you, about how funny you were.
02:57:03.000
There's a feeling when you're a kid when you are in a dream and you move up to a urinal.
02:57:20.000
Do you think R. Kelly was sleepwalking this whole time?
02:57:31.000
Do you think in R. Kelly's dreams he pisses on this short urinal?
02:58:12.000
Real talk is one of the greatest things that's ever been done.
02:58:14.000
And because he's going to jail, we could probably play it.
02:58:19.000
Bitch, I wish you would burn my motherfucking clothes.
02:58:31.000
I just want to say to everybody listening, I'm the luckiest person that's ever lived.
02:58:52.000
He starts about smoking stogies and talking and explaining.
02:58:59.000
I just wanted to make sure that we didn't skip it.
02:59:04.000
Listen, by no means do we endorse any of the atrocities that R. Kelly has made.
02:59:15.000
I've peed on many kids in my day, but I was letting the bed.
03:00:22.000
How the fuck she know I was with them other girls?
03:00:30.000
I've been with you in five years and you're listening to your motherfucking girlfriend.
03:00:33.000
I don't know why you fuck with them old jealous nomads.
03:00:40.000
Imagine this guy just on the phone with his friends like that.
03:00:58.000
We've played this on the podcast about 100 times.
03:01:06.000
Alright, for real, let's give a shout out to R. Kelly.
03:01:10.000
He tells, bitch, I wish you would burn my motherfucking clothes.
03:01:58.000
I wish you would burn my motherfucking clothes.
03:02:11.000
Mark Norman, out to lunch on YouTube right now.
03:02:12.000
Ari Shaffir, I'm apathetic about your existence.
03:02:29.000
Shane Gillis, Mark Norman, Ari Shaffir, find them on social media, and we're going to try to get them to move to Texas.