Joe Rogan Experience #1755 - Tony Woods
Episode Stats
Length
2 hours and 6 minutes
Words per Minute
175.39734
Summary
Comedian Joe Rogan joins Jemele to talk about how he got his start in comedy, his early days in the barber shop, and how he ended up doing stand-up at a college in the Bronx. He also talks about what it's like to be a comedian on the road and what it s like to do standup in front of a packed house. He also tells us about the time he peed on the floor at a standup set, and why he doesn t like to watch other people's jokes. And he explains why he thinks it's a good idea to shave your own hair. Joe also gives us some advice on how to deal with a bomb attack in a comedy set and why you should be careful about what you watch on stage. You don't want to miss it! Logo by Courtney DeKorte. Theme by Mavus White. Music by PSOVOD and tyops. Thank you for listening to this episode of the pod. If you like what you hear, please leave us a review on Apple Podcasts and/or wherever else you re listening. We re listening and sharing the pod on social media. Thanks for listening and supporting the pod! -Jon Sorrentino. Timestamps: 1:00:00 - What's your favorite comedian? 2:30 - What do you like about the pod? 3:15 - What would you like to see me do next? 4: 5:40 - What are you looking for? 6:20 - How do you think I should do more comedy? 7: What kind of jokes should I should I do more of? 8:00 9: What s your favorite drink? 11:30 13:00 | What is your favorite food? 14:30 | What do I like about this guy? 15:40 16:20 17:40 | How do I feel about a good night out? 17 - What s a good joke? 18:30 Is it a good day? 19:00 / 16:40 / 17:30 Can I have it better? 21: What is a good place to start a new song? 22:30 / 15:30 & 17:50 15 + 16: Is it better than a good one? 20:00 + 17:10 21 :30
Transcript
00:00:06.000
Train by day, Joe Rogan Podcast by night, all day.
00:00:13.000
You're going to try to do the hat and the earphones?
00:00:24.000
All you need is a mirror when you're doing your hair.
00:00:52.000
Well, that is the good thing about barbershops, the male beauty salon.
00:01:02.000
It was a slow progression, because I would say, yo, just even it out with where it's fading away in the little sunroof back there.
00:01:47.000
Because I don't want to watch and it get in my head, you know?
00:01:50.000
And some comedians think, oh, you didn't see my set.
00:02:00.000
You were doing something about girls who sound like a cockatoo.
00:02:04.000
Oh, you know, it was girls with crazy big hair.
00:02:12.000
I don't know what he's talking about, but I gotta go outside.
00:02:21.000
If somebody asked me, did you ever do a college in the Bronx?
00:02:31.000
I can't remember, but I just remember you like, and you going back and forth like, and they were screaming like, okay, I don't know what that joke is.
00:02:43.000
I gotta get out of there if someone's bombing too.
00:02:48.000
That fucks with my head because then I think nothing's funny.
00:02:51.000
But I guess because I done got, been in the game, I can bomb gracefully.
00:03:15.000
There's some bombings, though, where it's the crowd.
00:03:24.000
And when it's the comedian, I gotta get out of there.
00:03:27.000
If it's the crowd, I'm like, I want to go up there and wake him up.
00:03:30.000
But if it's the comedian, there's something in my head that's like nothing is funny.
00:03:38.000
Because some guys, I call it like a technician.
00:03:44.000
Like, this is the formula, this is how you do it.
00:03:47.000
And like, dude, obviously, that's not working tonight, right?
00:03:50.000
Yeah, do a little crowd work, do this, do that.
00:03:58.000
Well, don't you think that's the beauty of doing a bunch of different places, like doing the road a little bit in Pennsylvania, you do a gig in Florida, you do a little of this, do a little of that, and the more you do that.
00:04:10.000
Like, back in the day when we were in New York, I used to go, I used to say, I'm going to the Caribbean, so I'd go out to Brooklyn.
00:04:17.000
You know, mostly Caribbean crowds, and then you do the downtown.
00:04:21.000
Like, remember the place we used to do, I think Ludlow or something?
00:04:27.000
It was someplace, like Todd Berry used to just rip in there.
00:04:34.000
You know, like, they wanted it real subtle and real soft.
00:04:38.000
Yeah, real soft, and I would go, whoa, whoa, whoa, easy with the laughs.
00:05:02.000
And when we did that thing in the Bronx, it was mainly Latino Puerto Rican crowd.
00:05:18.000
That's when you looked like Tony Dancer from Taxi.
00:05:23.000
Back in the day, without a full head of hair and everything.
00:05:31.000
The one from Taxi, not the one from Who's the Boss.
00:05:35.000
When I first saw you, that's who you reminded me of.
00:05:39.000
But now, dawg, you're like the young, what's his name?
00:06:04.000
I mean, last time I saw Larry, he was like a skeleton.
00:06:16.000
For years, like randomly, people go, yo, they were talking about you on the Joe Rogan Show.
00:06:33.000
I just ride my bike, put my phone on there, I go on FaceTime, I mean Facebook Live, and I just talk.
00:06:40.000
While I'm riding my bike, I just talk about stuff.
00:06:42.000
You see my face, and whatever's on my mind just pops up.
00:06:52.000
And it was called First Episode Again with Tony Woods.
00:06:56.000
So I was like, if things ain't going right, don't worry.
00:07:09.000
As if we were on a bus, he's a guy in the back, and you're talking about something interesting, and then he'll scream out, oh, that's because of Global Woman, motherfucker!
00:07:35.000
Like, oh, remember, we got to meet at this time.
00:07:38.000
Yeah, but that's the thing that fucks comics up more than anything is the consistency.
00:07:43.000
Consistency of, you know, doing shows and just showing up.
00:07:47.000
No one ever complains at the Lonely Ass Bike Club Chronicles podcast.
00:07:57.000
Nobody ever says, slow down, you're riding too fast.
00:08:00.000
When you have a group of people, like a couple people together, and they start doing a podcast, there's always one person who wants to do it more than the other person.
00:08:06.000
One person who has a vision, and the other person's like, man, I don't want to do it today.
00:08:14.000
Not Maya the girl, you know, but Maya who was on.
00:08:18.000
Because she would have notes, and then she would say, did you watch it?
00:08:34.000
I'm like, when I hear my own voice, I'm like, oh, is he drunk or something?
00:08:47.000
That's one thing that comedians have in common is that we all hate our own voice.
00:08:56.000
And then people see me sometimes in the grocery store and I think they think they're making me feel good.
00:09:19.000
When you listen to your own special, you're just like, because you know all this shit.
00:09:22.000
You know what you're going to say, so you heard it already.
00:09:28.000
And you really hate when you leave something out.
00:09:37.000
The worst is when you record something and then you keep doing the bit because the special hasn't come out yet.
00:10:02.000
So, because I don't want to do it like in a blah, blah, a big grandiose place.
00:10:08.000
Yeah, and I just did a comedy club in Wilmington, North Carolina.
00:10:14.000
Right, which, yeah, you don't even think that's a comedy cover.
00:10:19.000
No, but I mean like The Laughing Skull's a great place and that's got a fucked up name too.
00:10:53.000
Because you know when you're in a casino, how long have you been there?
00:11:05.000
Do you think they really do pump oxygen into casinos?
00:11:20.000
It doesn't seek out because there ain't no windows.
00:11:23.000
Well, I know they have air filtration because everybody's smoking, but you don't see smoke everywhere.
00:11:37.000
I'm sure you've heard the myth that oxygen is pumped into casinos to give people more energy and keep them awake.
00:11:43.000
This is, in fact, the enduring Las Vegas myth of all time.
00:11:46.000
There's no doubt that the casinos keep the air chilly to give that same effect, but there's no mechanism actually pumping extra oxygen into the system.
00:11:57.000
And when I got the jackpot, when I did the cellar in Vegas the last time, and I hit the jackpot by accident, I won five Gs.
00:12:05.000
The woman who just popped up, who thought I was such an interesting person, was not a hooker.
00:12:20.000
I just saw you sitting here and I just thought you were such an interesting person.
00:12:32.000
That's Tony Woods and that's how he really talks.
00:12:36.000
And the real thing is I had a speech impediment as a child.
00:12:41.000
And they just said, you know, because they get excited.
00:12:51.000
They just said, just think about it and sing it out.
00:13:07.000
He hated it because everybody loved the way he talked.
00:13:21.000
So it wasn't a stutter, it was just like a pause?
00:13:29.000
Isn't it funny that that actually helps in comedy?
00:13:37.000
As a matter of fact, I heard a comedian complain about it one time.
00:13:57.000
That's hilarious that someone would complain that you're doing so great.
00:14:11.000
I remember watching you, and there's certain...
00:14:25.000
I'm like, God, he's so calm and casual up there.
00:14:30.000
I remember I used to sleep in the back of the Boston Comedy Club.
00:14:33.000
And somebody would go, hey, tell Tony he's next.
00:14:50.000
That little corner back there, the Boston Comic Club.
00:15:00.000
What's PS2? It's what you get when you go to the military.
00:15:08.000
Because when you guys met me, I was just getting back from the dessert.
00:15:16.000
I thought I had narcolepsy, but I would, you know, if I was driving and the music wasn't on or the window wasn't down, I hit gravel.
00:15:29.000
So there are a lot of people in that war, they had that Gulf War syndrome.
00:16:13.000
I forgot his name, Chris something, but he was a little guy.
00:16:22.000
And the lady says, Tony, you got an emergency phone call in the office?
00:16:25.000
And I'm like, you know, I'm thinking, is it my mom?
00:16:33.000
I just figured it was one of my buddies who wanted to come to the show for free or something like that.
00:16:43.000
I think maybe 30 or 40. I didn't see the light.
00:16:51.000
We're about to go out and get something to eat.
00:16:52.000
And she says, Tony, they're still holding for you.
00:17:21.000
So that phone call, the hold, was just to get you to go overseas?
00:17:32.000
So if you just don't answer the phone, you never get activated?
00:17:38.000
I mean, they would have got me eventually, but it would have been nice to get me after Key West.
00:17:45.000
Yeah, because we're doing Ocala, Florida, then Fort Myers, and then Key West.
00:17:50.000
I've never been to Key West, but I hear it's amazing.
00:17:56.000
I mean, if you stay at a hotel or something, they might have their own little private beach.
00:18:03.000
Back in the day when I was stationed down there, it was, you know, beaches everywhere, but the place wasn't as full as it is now.
00:18:21.000
How weird is that, that we just dump our sewage right into the ocean?
00:18:25.000
But the other little islands, the best thing is the drive.
00:18:28.000
Like you leave from Miami or Fort Lauderdale or something like that, get a car and just cruise down and just stop at little seafood shacks and stuff and have what will cost $200 at a regular restaurant.
00:18:44.000
It's a three-hour drive, two-lane highway, and you can stop, go fishing, go swimming, do whatever.
00:19:05.000
And they have a Caribbean accent and everything.
00:19:15.000
Whereas Key West would be, bang, New York City.
00:19:18.000
But all the little sleepy ones on the way are dope.
00:19:30.000
As a matter of fact, the last time I was down there, I saw a place and they had temporary tattoos.
00:19:43.000
She's getting like a unicorn or something on her face.
00:20:07.000
Whereas the henna will go away in like two days.
00:20:31.000
My high school class reunion was back in October.
00:20:36.000
He says, you're coming to the reunion this year.
00:20:40.000
He says, but you know, you're going to come to the 40th one?
00:20:51.000
And I graduated in 81. Isn't that crazy when you do the math?
00:20:58.000
When you see Mike Tyson in person, you don't even notice that tattoo.
00:21:15.000
You know how people assume that he's not, but I'm like, that dude, the way he fights, he's gotta be smart.
00:21:23.000
And then, when he did comedy, his comedy special was better than a lot of Comedians.
00:21:29.000
Oh, you mean that one-hour thing that he did where he talked about his life?
00:21:38.000
He's just, you know, he's a professional boxer.
00:21:43.000
But you have to be intelligent to be able to perform under pressure the way he did.
00:21:50.000
People think that, you know, that that's not hard to do.
00:21:55.000
And he's managing movement and speed and technique and he's doing it all against the best boxers in the world at this time.
00:22:04.000
I mean, Mike is only like an inch taller than me.
00:22:16.000
But when he was in his prime, the beautiful thing about that was that he would bob and weave and duck under shit.
00:22:22.000
Like, people would be throwing punches and he was nowhere near them.
00:22:26.000
I like when he said, uh, that was good comedy timing when you said, yo, man, I saw this amazing video, you did this, you did that, you did that.
00:22:34.000
Yeah, man, I was fucked up for a week after that.
00:22:41.000
Because people say, man, I saw you on Facebook riding your bike.
00:22:53.000
Well, you were talking to me about how you had your bike fitted to you.
00:22:58.000
Yeah, well, I used to be a bike messenger, all that stuff.
00:23:01.000
I always got crossbars and stuff like that, and I just never thought about it.
00:23:06.000
Because when you're a bike messenger, you stop and go and stop and go all day long.
00:23:10.000
But I was riding, and I bought this bike in Dubai when I was over in Dubai.
00:23:14.000
And the bikes are way cheaper because America marked them up 300%.
00:23:24.000
But, you know, it came like golf clubs or something.
00:23:29.000
So I'm riding, and this other guy, who's obviously a bicyclist, he goes, because I'm doing like this, he goes, hey, man, that's a nice bike.
00:23:51.000
He said, between $2 and $4, it depends on where you go.
00:23:55.000
I'm like, $2 and $400 for somebody to tell me to adjust.
00:23:59.000
But like she was saying out there, it's really intense.
00:24:02.000
You're up on a machine and they're doing this and everything.
00:24:08.000
Like, if your things on your pedals are not long enough, they'll either lengthen them or shorten them.
00:24:20.000
Them guys who ride in the park and go, on your left.
00:24:26.000
You just had to announce that he's right there.
00:24:36.000
So it made a big difference though when they fitted it for you?
00:24:42.000
The guy who did the fitting, he says, bicycling is not supposed to hurt.
00:24:55.000
So come to find out from the accident, remember Angelo Lozada, rest in peace.
00:25:10.000
And, you know, I'm in the backseat and we're driving and they're speaking Spanish in the front.
00:25:14.000
They're not arguing, but it's getting faster and faster and faster.
00:25:20.000
And these girls are supposed to be following us.
00:25:40.000
Yeah, that's because I've been fucking with him for 20 years.
00:25:46.000
Because this sciatica thing, this whiplash thing, is like cicadas.
00:25:53.000
You've been injured before, and sometimes it's just nice and smooth, man.
00:25:58.000
You could get flipped off a chair or something like that, boom, nothing.
00:26:16.000
I went down a rabbit hole on YouTube and I started looking at people cooking cicadas.
00:26:25.000
It would brine them and cover them in salt and bake them.
00:26:44.000
Me and Shang Forbes and Reggie McFadden, and I forgot who else.
00:27:07.000
It was, you know, like, if he's like this, it's just his, like, he had been cut there in the middle, I went, ah!
00:27:16.000
And I said something to the lady, she's like...
00:27:42.000
Wait, you know how you go over there and you sit at the little things Indian style and you eat the street food and they just give you a whole bunch of samples and stuff?
00:27:55.000
And then she said something to the, what's it called?
00:28:07.000
And I said, okay, I'm not going to eat no more of that.
00:28:17.000
But I didn't get sick that time because that shit was delicious.
00:28:22.000
It was just filling a fucking mouse in my mouth.
00:28:27.000
I keep telling people how funny Reggie McFadden was.
00:28:39.000
He was on the Discovery Channel selling jewels?
00:28:45.000
It was some people, and they're looking to buy some kind of jewels, not diamonds, but whatever they're selling in wherever this part of Africa he is, right?
00:29:01.000
He said, I speak English very well, probably better than you.
00:29:16.000
So it was Reggie McFadden selling jewels in Africa.
00:29:20.000
Yeah, he's in, I don't know if it's Tanzania or something.
00:29:41.000
Because he's like, the people go, I didn't use a condom because she looked like she was cool.
00:30:08.000
Where he would drop the girl off in a rough neighborhood.
00:30:12.000
He go, he go, all right, baby, you be cool, all right?
00:30:26.000
Remember the bit he did about the pretty girl always has an ugly friend that's trying to break into the house and stop you from making out with her?
00:30:45.000
I saw him at the Champagne Comedy Club in Mount Vernon.
00:30:51.000
And it was a club that I couldn't work out because you had to be squeaky clean.
00:30:56.000
John Tobin opened for Reggie, and I remember watching Reggie and thinking, like, this motherfucker's gonna be the biggest star in the world.
00:31:06.000
They remember he was on a Dr. Pepper commercial?
00:31:11.000
That was, like, for a comedian to get something like that.
00:31:13.000
He'd say, you know, I'm a pepper, you're a pepper.
00:31:21.000
But everybody's like, yo, look where's your big face!
00:31:32.000
Such an interesting time, because so many good comics were there.
00:31:37.000
He was 19. I first saw him at Catch Rising Star.
00:31:49.000
Warren Hutchison and Dave, they all came up to New York.
00:31:54.000
As a matter of fact, someone just did a documentary.
00:32:05.000
Yeah, they got the love scene with me and Wanda.
00:32:12.000
It's just a whole bunch of little clips of all the comedians back in the day from D.C. Here it is.
00:32:30.000
Yeah, it'll say like MacBook Pro or something like that.
00:32:38.000
And it's Dave, it's Tommy Davidson, it's the fat doctor, you know, Louis Black.
00:32:49.000
Louis Black came from D.C.? Yeah, Patton Oswalt.
00:32:55.000
As a matter of fact, the last show I did before I went to the Gulf War was me, Patton Oswalt, and a guy named Roger Mercer.
00:33:11.000
Because I was a bike messenger and there's a big law firm called Patton Boggs.
00:33:22.000
Rise of stand-up comedy in Washington, D.C. Now, where was everybody out of?
00:33:28.000
No, back then it was the Comedy Cafe, which had the Archie Ball Strip Club on the bottom floor.
00:33:39.000
When I was a comedian starting out in Washington, D.C., this brother, you know, started out in the D.C. area.
00:33:43.000
Coming to the stage from my hometown, the nation's capital.
00:33:47.000
D.C. is the mecca for stand-up comedy, because if you're good, you're good in this town.
00:33:55.000
If she didn't lose weight, the old man was going to leave her?
00:34:01.000
If D.C. being the mecca of comedy is a phrase coined by the great Andy Evans, then it must be so.
00:34:11.000
The volumes of solid acts that we've turned out over the years.
00:34:16.000
Black woman won't get mad at you for three months because she'll starve.
00:34:18.000
There's just a central information stream here in D.C. that's not like a city.
00:34:24.000
Black folks in D.C. are just straight up funny.
00:34:29.000
So many people who are big names now are from out of this area.
00:34:36.000
We had to have that image for the dog drones of other things that were being shot at us, because that helped people with girls too, you know?
00:34:50.000
I said a brother with 400 million can't keep a bitch.
00:34:56.000
Dave Chappelle, Martin, Wanda Sykes, we were all really young.
00:35:00.000
We got in Garvin's, we got in the Comedy Cafe, and we performed.
00:35:03.000
B.C. being the mecca of comedy is self-explanatory.
00:35:09.000
I don't know which one of you gentlemen used it.
00:35:12.000
I'm no doctor, but you got around three months' luck.
00:35:17.000
I'm married to a white French woman, and I have two white kids.
00:35:37.000
That's the good thing about us, maybe, because we live a white-collar, blue-collar life simultaneously.
00:35:43.000
We come up knowing the principles of comedy, like what really makes you funny, not just one joke.
00:35:48.000
If you're here for a comedy show, you could walk up on a show that might have a couple people you heard of.
00:35:55.000
If you took all the comedians Out of D.C., there'd be a dent in the industry.
00:35:59.000
All these great talents in D.C., you know, what's in the water here?
00:36:03.000
What happens that you can create a Tommy Davidson, Dave Chappelle, Chris Paul, Huggy Lowdown?
00:36:19.000
You know, we feel like we're the mecca of comedy.
00:36:22.000
A ton of, like, live albums will be recorded here.
00:36:26.000
If you were dark-skinned, people just start joaning on you.
00:36:32.000
And I use my wit as a defense mechanism to push them back.
00:36:38.000
D.C. comedy is amazing because it comes on so many different levels.
00:36:45.000
We just breed funny people and I don't know if it's there, there's so many of us there.
00:36:54.000
D.C. area has the most educated concentration of African Americans in the country.
00:37:04.000
That was one of the things I always aspired to be.
00:37:06.000
I can name ten famous comedians, legendary comedians from this area, but they all got different styles.
00:37:15.000
We get blamed for all the politicians, but we never get credit for the great talent that comes out of here.
00:37:22.000
The same way people say New Orleans is the home of jazz, I say D.C. is the home for stand-up comics.
00:37:32.000
The rise of stand-up comedy in Washington D.C.? That's just the sizzle that the guy, his name is Parrish.
00:37:56.000
Well, it's undeniable that D.C.'s produced a lot of fucking talent.
00:38:00.000
Some amazing talent that's come out of that one area.
00:38:09.000
They have the Arlington Draft House, the D.C. Draft House.
00:38:14.000
They have the Comedy Loft, which looks like the cellar.
00:38:26.000
And then up in Baltimore, you have Magoobies, and you have the Comedy Factory.
00:38:30.000
And all in between, there's Comedy Nights all over the place.
00:38:41.000
And I think it's just resurgent with Netflix and stuff like that.
00:38:48.000
And I think the internet guys got The audience re-interested in us.
00:38:56.000
Because the internet guys, everybody loved to go see them, and then they say, wow, that's all you got?
00:39:02.000
Because they don't realize when they see a little funny skit that lasts 15 seconds, then they go pay their money to go see this guy, and that's all he got.
00:39:10.000
So people go, well, I want to see some comedy comedy.
00:39:16.000
They're doing a lot of that now at some of these improvs where they have like a TikTok star will come on because they can get a bunch of people to come see them, but they don't have an act.
00:39:30.000
Because my son said about some comedian like that, he goes, I laugh about him, man.
00:39:35.000
Me and my coworkers laugh about him all day at work, Dad.
00:39:40.000
And then I see what he's talking about, and it is funny as I don't know what.
00:39:50.000
Look, and then I'm like, and you're going to pay $50 to go see that guy?
00:40:02.000
There was comedians that, the girl's name is Angela Johnson, was the girl that did that nail salon bit, right?
00:40:15.000
When she was a middle act, She was so popular that people would come to see her and leave before the headliner.
00:40:42.000
It's a really good bit, but the point is, like, when she was just a middle act, she was doing this.
00:40:57.000
Could you imagine introducing me to speak at the Mexican-American Heritage Festival?
00:41:03.000
Señores y señores, bienvenido a mi amiga especial!
00:41:28.000
As soon as I walk in, they grieve me right away.
00:42:36.000
You look so pretty, like model, cheerleader, something pretty.
00:42:48.000
Oh, honey, that's why you don't have a boyfriend.
00:43:06.000
But the point is, like, that bit was like a closer bit.
00:43:10.000
And she got famous off of YouTube from that bit.
00:43:20.000
They were coming to see her and the headliner would go up, hey, how's everybody doing tonight?
00:43:24.000
What about Chris Tucker, man, when he did his first Def Jam, man?
00:43:45.000
What you doing with pictures of my brothers in your pocketbook?
00:43:48.000
Well, there's guys that, like, were coming up that had, like, a great middle set.
00:43:54.000
And then they had a headline, so they had to stretch that middle set out to an hour.
00:43:58.000
So they had to take that 25-minute set and make an hour out of it.
00:44:05.000
I would describe Chris' first Def Jam set as an Ed Sullivan set.
00:44:10.000
Because back in the day, you see guys on Ed Sullivan, and boom.
00:44:14.000
To you at home, you'd think he did like an hour, but it was just two and a half minutes.
00:44:18.000
But boom, that Joker was selling out all over the place.
00:44:21.000
And my mom and him said, we're going to go see such and such.
00:44:25.000
Do you remember when Eddie Griffin did HBO when he had shorts on?
00:44:41.000
I think it was, but I just remember the power of the set.
00:44:44.000
I don't remember the content, but I remember he murdered so fucking hard.
00:44:52.000
Remember, he did Michael Jackson, he did the thing about cocaine.
00:45:00.000
He says, you snort cocaine and go, I want to talk to somebody who's not here.
00:45:06.000
And that's the guy who invented the telephone, yeah.
00:45:10.000
I want to talk to somebody who's not even here.
00:45:13.000
And I was there the day that Bernie did his thing, and that was like a matinee show, like two in the afternoon.
00:45:23.000
A friend of mine, Butch Burns, who's also from D.C., he went on.
00:45:30.000
I wouldn't say Butch bombed, but Butch stood there as if he was in a club, like as if he was at the cellar.
00:45:37.000
He just had his hand on the mic stand, you know, just, hey, what's up?
00:45:40.000
Like, no, son, this ain't the spot for that, man.
00:45:51.000
Even I'm laid back, but when you see me on Def Jam, no.
00:45:57.000
When Bernie came out and goes, I'm not afraid of none of you motherfuckers!
00:46:06.000
I know, but they were like, you know, because there was blood in the water.
00:46:11.000
They was like, ooh, we're going to boo him too.
00:46:18.000
I saw Bernie at the Comedy Connection at Faneuil Hall, and I walked in while he was on stage, and he was murdering, man.
00:46:26.000
Just waves of people just moving through the audience with laughter.
00:46:34.000
And his speech, the way he talked was like when I hear my grandfather and his friends talk.
00:46:42.000
It was like he was from back in time, I'm going to brush you in your head.
00:46:51.000
When I see you, it's going to be a misunderstanding.
00:47:00.000
There was some hot sets on Def Jam back then, man.
00:47:12.000
The third Thursday in May of 86. 86. That was the height, right?
00:47:21.000
I went in the first time in 1983. I was in the Navy and one of my guys, he was like 30 years old and I was like 18. So to me, he was a grown genius man.
00:47:35.000
He told me how funny I was because Eddie Murphy was on the cover of Time Magazine with a red baseball cap.
00:47:52.000
So he went as far as to call the Comedy Cafe, where's me and Dave and all of us started out in D.C. He called them up, sat up.
00:48:01.000
You know, just talk about the same shit you talk about here at work, man.
00:48:07.000
I go down there, and it was the first live comedy show.
00:48:14.000
Anyway, he was there, and you've seen jugglers on TV, and they always go, oh my god, that's amazing!
00:48:21.000
He juggling this and that, and he juggled, and bam!
00:48:35.000
And he just kind of picked it up real quick and kept juggling.
00:48:40.000
Everybody was like, to me, everybody was fucking super funny.
00:48:52.000
And he said, next we have another funny human being.
00:48:57.000
Remember he used to always say, funny human being, he says, there's a new guy, Tony Woods.
00:49:14.000
So, I didn't go on stage again for three more years, man.
00:49:19.000
And when I did go, me and my buddy Vance used to go to the comedy club.
00:49:23.000
And every week, I put my name on the list, chicken out.
00:49:28.000
So the next morning, my wife would say, how was it last night?
00:49:31.000
Because me and Vance would hang out in the comedy club for maybe 30 minutes, 40, and then go to ladies' night at this nightclub.
00:49:37.000
And then, you know, so in the morning, she would go, how was it last night?
00:49:44.000
So I would say, oh, I did my thing about how girls look like a cockatoo.
00:49:49.000
Whatever I heard that caught my ear that night, I would tell her.
00:49:53.000
And I remember she was brushing her teeth one time, and I said, somebody else's joke.
00:50:05.000
She starts to tell everybody that I'm doing comedy.
00:50:08.000
And everybody's like, hey, we want to come see you.
00:50:10.000
I'm like, ah, man, well, you know, you don't want to come down.
00:50:14.000
Then one day, it was the third Thursday in May, and she said, the executives are going out of town.
00:50:22.000
So your mom's going to keep the baby, and I'm going with you.
00:50:35.000
I was thinking, man, we need to spend time together.
00:50:39.000
Since my mom got the baby, just have a little blockbuster night.
00:50:56.000
I forget everything I wrote down, but go down there.
00:50:59.000
While we're sitting there watching the other comedians, she would nudge me.
00:51:09.000
The comedians, they get together and they share jokes.
00:51:22.000
And then this guy in the front says, his leg is shaking because my leg was shaking.
00:51:27.000
And I said, hey, but don't worry about it, man.
00:51:36.000
I guess God sent it to me because I did this whole bit about setting my mom's bed on fire and all this other shit.
00:51:46.000
And I remember before I went on stage, the fat doctor that night was the host.
00:51:50.000
And the fat doctor said, where do you want your light?
00:52:02.000
Do you want a two minute light, three minute light, four minute light?
00:52:05.000
He said, hey man, where you want your light at?
00:52:10.000
And I'm looking at me like, what the fuck is wrong with you?
00:52:24.000
And Martin Lawrence and Pierre and all them shaking my hands.
00:52:27.000
They're using comedy stuff like, hey man, good set and all this.
00:52:36.000
Because I sat down with my wife and my boy Vance.
00:52:43.000
Which he kind of was almost telling her that this is his first time.
00:52:56.000
He wasn't doing so good because I had fucking ripped.
00:53:04.000
Then she said, you need to tell them that they need to stop paying you up in here.
00:53:14.000
She said, you have been coming here for over six months.
00:53:21.000
You need to go back there and tell them other comedians to give you some money.
00:53:37.000
Good thing the guy you saw, Andy Evans, who's like the godfather.
00:53:42.000
Because I was like, I said, yo, what's up, man?
00:53:56.000
Because I look back at her like, yeah, I got this shit.
00:54:00.000
Boom, him and all the other comedians, because they're back on the stairwell.
00:54:08.000
I said, um, Because everybody's looking at me, I'm like, I said, you know, how do you get paid to do comedy in it?
00:54:26.000
He said, I grabbed him in the car and said, bitch, you better give me some money or something like that.
00:54:32.000
And then I'll never forget, they was all laughing.
00:54:51.000
Look, what you did tonight, do that about 500 more times and then come back in and talk to us.
00:55:06.000
Because they like you because they still laughing.
00:55:13.000
They was all back there laughing and just having a good time.
00:55:16.000
How long was it before you started getting paid?
00:55:19.000
As a matter of fact, that guy Andy Evans put me on a TV show two months later.
00:55:25.000
I didn't get paid, but from the public access show I got paid.
00:55:33.000
It was Robin Montague, Tommy Davidson, a lot of us.
00:55:38.000
But me and Warren and Martin Lawrence were open micers.
00:55:44.000
And so the real comedian was like, what are they doing here?
00:55:49.000
Because we were sitting there like first day of school, the three of us like...
00:56:01.000
How many years in do you think were you a professional?
00:56:05.000
How many years did it take before you started getting paid?
00:56:11.000
I did the TV show and then I would just go on stage and just go to sleep.
00:56:20.000
I was just talking about stuff that had happened to me and just twisting it around and doing this.
00:56:30.000
This guy's in the audience from BET, and he says, that was great.
00:56:35.000
I want you to be on this TV show called Tell Me Something Good.
00:56:38.000
It's his game show, and it's on BET. I'm like, what's that?
00:56:45.000
I'm like, yeah, I said, this shit would be cool as shit.
00:56:47.000
You know, if it was, because there was no cable TV in D.C. at that time.
00:56:55.000
My dispatcher calls me and said, yo, 777, 777, you're going to drop off your packages to another courier because you got to give your wife a landline.
00:57:10.000
She said, a guy named Stu Perkins from Black Entertainment Television calls you and he wants you on the show today.
00:57:28.000
And so I went home, boom, boom, got changed, went down to Duke Street in Virginia and did it.
00:57:35.000
It was a live taping of a game show called Tell Me Something Good.
00:57:40.000
And people would actually call in and answer the question.
00:57:48.000
Everybody would be cursing and stuff like that.
00:57:50.000
This is like 1988. And then, Joe, right after that, there's a contest called the National Lampoon Comedy Playoffs nationwide.
00:58:01.000
Leslie Nielsen was the host out in Vegas and did that.
00:58:09.000
I smashed that shit and went to Vegas and met Leslie Nielsen.
00:58:28.000
And the lady said, well, you know, you're Woods, so we're going to have to put you on such and such floor, right?
00:58:40.000
So I had to stick it in the elevator to go up to my floor.
00:58:49.000
And so everybody knows that I'm only two years in on comedy, something like that.
00:59:07.000
I'm like, fuck, these dudes stay in rooms like this all the time?
00:59:20.000
I got beer and wine and stuff in my room and sodas.
00:59:28.000
And we go upstairs and I stick the card key in and we go up to the floor.
00:59:34.000
Everybody's like, That is when the rumor started that I was a shoo-in, I was fucking around, going around pretending I didn't know anything about comedy.
00:59:46.000
I was like, hey man, so what comedy club do you, who do I call to get to that comedy club?
00:59:54.000
But they were like, yeah, what the fuck you doing?
00:59:56.000
And then on top of that, I fucking ripped on the thing.
01:00:04.000
So they thought you were just a long time pro and it was all bullshit.
01:00:19.000
One of the things that people have always asked me about you, they go, where's his specials?
01:00:25.000
Because so many people talk about how funny you are, but they go, how do I see him?
01:00:33.000
I did a special in Australia some years ago by accident.
01:00:45.000
Me and Greer Barnes went over there the first time.
01:00:59.000
You hear the announcer go, ladies and gentlemen, Tony Woods.
01:01:08.000
Oh, so he said it while you were on stage talking?
01:01:15.000
Like, you ever see that movie, Old Brother, We're Out There?
01:01:17.000
So the rest of the festival, me, Greer Barnes, Renee Hicks, and I think Sue Miller or Sue Murphy, we were there.
01:01:31.000
It just, I just, I could do other people's show.
01:01:50.000
And since my shows weren't all that good, they had me in the opening spot.
01:01:56.000
Like, they have an emcee, one, two, what do you call it, intermission, and then one or two more guys.
01:02:05.000
And did you ever see Old Brother Wild Thou with George Clooney?
01:02:09.000
Remember, they had been on the run, they were doing all this other shit, and then they snuck on, they was going to get a gig, and they walked out on stage, and they said, the Shaggy Bottom boys, everybody went, ah!
01:02:19.000
Because the shit had aired on television, the set that I had done, when I was talking about the nursery rhymes, not nursery rhymes, but I was talking about Lil Red Riding Hood and all that, you know, like, what's her name?
01:02:33.000
You know, okay, the one where I say the girl has, she walks into the gate, that's trespassing.
01:02:39.000
She never knocks, she just twists it, that's unlawful entry, and the bitch has got a lot of charges.
01:02:45.000
Then she sit down to eat the food and say, ooh, this food too hot.
01:02:52.000
Except it's a whole long story that I do with that.
01:02:57.000
Dude, I had like a two to three minute standing ovation applause break.
01:03:11.000
And And then, so, boom, no one can follow that.
01:03:16.000
So, boom, the next night they go, well, we'll have you close the first half.
01:03:20.000
And then, so, I was closing the show, and they had a group act.
01:03:25.000
They had guys who, three men who juggled and do all the, I had to close the fucking show behind them, because every little town we was going in in Australia, they was going, I walk out there going, ah!
01:03:38.000
The road manager was going, okay, everybody get ready.
01:03:43.000
Because I would walk out of small towns and they'd just go...
01:03:59.000
You are one of the best comics ever that doesn't have a special.
01:04:04.000
No, you're the best comic ever that doesn't have a special.
01:04:11.000
I think that was 2000 or 2001, something like that.
01:04:33.000
It's like heavy D. Yeah, but you haven't done like an hour special.
01:04:38.000
Nah, it was me, Zach, the Sklar brothers, and Tom Popper.
01:04:52.000
Tom Popper looks like he belongs in another time era when he's on stage.
01:05:02.000
It was black comedy, but black people didn't like it, but it was funny shit.
01:05:12.000
He said, because he would say shit like, he said, Roscoe, you know, I think I see the bear.
01:05:21.000
And then he looked back, Roscoe was like, I'm in the car, boss!
01:05:45.000
It looks like Tom Papa standing there down there.
01:05:54.000
If you took Tom Papa and shoved him in another time, he'd fit right in, in the Jack Benny era.
01:06:04.000
Rochester look a little bit like Roy Wood Jr. Look at Jack Benny with Marilyn Monroe.
01:06:35.000
It seems like there were a lot of pictures of them together.
01:06:51.000
Women didn't even know you could exercise back then.
01:06:54.000
That motherfucker looked like Dracula when he was younger though.
01:07:05.000
They used to do, like, sketches and shit on the radio.
01:07:14.000
Did you ever see that movie about Seabiscuit and the guy who was doing the announcers?
01:07:22.000
He was the voice in that movie about the horse.
01:07:30.000
But Joe, I tell you, my career has kind of been like Forrest Gump, the character, Forrest Gump.
01:07:38.000
But everything that happened, like a lot of the big shit that happened in comedy, I was right there.
01:07:45.000
I don't know what happened, but I was right there.
01:07:49.000
Like, remember when Forrest said, so one day I just started running.
01:07:59.000
Like, people go, oh my god, you've influenced so many people.
01:08:02.000
I'm like, I don't know why the fuck they following me, dawg.
01:08:08.000
I'm not just leaving my successful film career.
01:08:27.000
Really, remember when the guy came up and the mud splashed and he said, shit!
01:08:39.000
And it's been times when I've run into comedians and go, yo, I will never forget the time that you said to me.
01:08:46.000
Because, you know, the guys, they come on, I say, yo, good set, man.
01:08:56.000
Which is better than, like, some comedians would go, you need to get out of the business.
01:09:00.000
As a matter of fact, somebody said that to him, to that guy who plays Eddie Murphy's son in the new...
01:09:15.000
No, he plays Eddie Murphy's son in the new Coming to America.
01:09:22.000
And I remember when he had first moved to New York, and he just called me at one day and just kind of, he said, man, do you think I moved to New York too soon?
01:09:29.000
And he used those exact words, and we both know who the fuck said that.
01:09:32.000
He said, do you think I need to get out of the business?
01:09:49.000
Chick-fil-A? Did you get any chicken fingers at Chick-fil-A? Well, then I don't know, because I don't like disrespect the dead.
01:10:10.000
But did it ever occur to you that, like, man, I need to get out, like, an hour special?
01:10:15.000
Because so many people would come to see you just based on other people's recommendations, based on having seen you before.
01:10:24.000
I'll have an amazing two and a half hour set in some little club like I just did to Dead Crow, right?
01:10:32.000
And then I'll be somewhere big and they'll be like, yeah, he was good.
01:10:46.000
But I know you're working on a special right now.
01:10:51.000
And that's what, because they keep saying, hey man, you ready?
01:10:54.000
I'm like, I was fucking ready when you asked me the first time.
01:10:59.000
The only time I wasn't ready, and ironically enough, the goddamn special was called They Ready.
01:11:11.000
Because that's when Tiffany called and said, yo, I'm doing this Day Ready special.
01:11:18.000
But at that point, we had been sitting still, dude.
01:11:27.000
This is during COVID? During COVID. And, like, I was in Amsterdam.
01:11:35.000
On the Mark Twain Award, and things just started popping.
01:11:40.000
And I was over there, and Amsterdam was a guy named James Alcher.
01:11:51.000
Shit closed down on, I think, that Monday over there.
01:12:01.000
And I just jumped right on it and started working for it.
01:12:04.000
Grubhub, and I forgot the point I was making, Joe.
01:12:11.000
So it's like, and then she called me up, like, boom.
01:12:23.000
I had gotten so comfortable, like, and imagine in over 30 years, that was the first time I slept in the same bed.
01:12:41.000
Well, it was like three months, I slept in the exact same bed.
01:12:44.000
No matter where I went and snuck around and did some little dirty COVID shows, I still came back to the same house and washed my hands real vigorously like, hope I don't make y'all sick, but I need these streets.
01:12:58.000
The only time I got nervous if I get the test is when I went to Yellow Springs.
01:13:06.000
And that night, went to this little shit in D.C. in the alley.
01:13:17.000
Somebody's going to see, hey, what's going on over there?
01:13:23.000
And then the next day, Dave flew us out to Yellow Springs.
01:13:26.000
And I'm like, and, you know, they give you the little, like, now if you test positive, uh...
01:13:48.000
You think you might have got it in January of 2020, though?
01:13:51.000
I got it in January at a New Year's Eve party in D.C. Yeah.
01:13:54.000
And I made myself well because I had Caroline's for the first time in years.
01:14:10.000
I was hanging out with one of the guys who worked there.
01:14:14.000
And we drinking because it was snowing, a big snowstorm.
01:14:19.000
But I stopped by around 4 in the afternoon because I ain't got no show anymore.
01:14:22.000
After that, I was going to get on the train and go down to the Boston Comedy Club.
01:14:30.000
I ain't gonna say his name, but he's a very good friend of mine from Philadelphia.
01:14:42.000
Yeah, like in Eddie Murphy, boom, boom, boom, boom.
01:14:53.000
And you're like, but then we go, when he said that, you're like, man, I thought you, but he only had a cut over his eye.
01:15:06.000
You know, sometimes you say shit you shouldn't say.
01:15:08.000
You don't say, fuck that shit, I'll sue Carolines while you sitting in Carolines drinking free liquor and eating free food.
01:15:26.000
When I get drunk, you have to spell my name backwards.
01:15:40.000
And then nobody ever said anything except for Barry.
01:15:43.000
Barry said, well, why would you say something like that?
01:15:48.000
Yeah, why would you say something like that, man?
01:15:56.000
Like, you see black people jaywalk and they go, I wish that motherfucker would hit me.
01:16:01.000
You don't wish he would hit you, but that's just some shit we say.
01:16:26.000
So when Dave gave you the shout out on the Mark Twain award, did that open up a lot of doors for you?
01:16:31.000
I was just telling you, I was like, we was getting it.
01:16:36.000
And then Tiffany, you know, and Wiz, it's a good thing I had a fan base because people was like, we saw you and it was good.
01:16:57.000
But first of all, it was outdoors, and there was a low-hanging fog, so it made it like a theater.
01:17:04.000
First night, I wasn't getting it all, but the second night.
01:17:08.000
I put a whole bunch of different little sets together.
01:17:25.000
Yeah, he's a local comedian from Washington, D.C. area.
01:17:31.000
So I love that Dave's doing yours and he's doing Earthquakes too.
01:17:53.000
I've never met a man as good as you at comedy that's so fucking casual about his career.
01:17:58.000
Yeah, man, you can't be trippin' out about shit.
01:18:03.000
You can't be trippin' out about shit to as far as it can go.
01:18:10.000
You can't be trippin' out about shit, but he's just doing it a hundred miles away.
01:18:14.000
Well, as I drive down the road of life, Joe, sometimes I say, God, just give me a sign.
01:18:20.000
And then it'll be a yellow light and I go, I can make it.
01:18:33.000
There's these guys that we all know that are these legendary comedians that all the comedians respect, all the comics love, but for whatever reason, they don't get the same amount of appreciation, whether it's from Netflix or from whatever.
01:18:55.000
That's one of the reasons why we brought you up so many times on the podcast.
01:19:05.000
And people kept coming by and going, hey, what's up, y'all comedians?
01:19:11.000
And then people always take a pause and they go, hey, man, I love you, man.
01:19:23.000
And then sometimes people leave the show and they go, you know, I don't even like comedy.
01:19:39.000
You know, like a lot of times I go, I only came because she told me to come.
01:19:48.000
Well, some people, they're reluctant to give you compliments.
01:20:00.000
Like that, it's never like, you are so fucking funny.
01:20:11.000
So you don't even have a time schedule for when you're going to do your special?
01:20:18.000
Hurry up, because motherfuckers are dying like dogs.
01:20:26.000
Well, as we get older, that's just the fact of the life we're living.
01:20:31.000
I was on the phone when you got in here with Joey Diaz, who just caught COVID. He's fine.
01:20:40.000
We got him vitamin drips and monoclonal antibodies.
01:20:52.000
I was like, damn it, he's never leaving New Jersey.
01:20:55.000
But as soon as I saw him in New Jersey, I was like, alright, I get it.
01:21:10.000
When I first moved to New York, that's the first TV spot I did.
01:21:19.000
And at the time, my dad lived up in Washington Heights.
01:21:22.000
He still lives in Washington Heights, like up 200th and Broadway, way up there.
01:21:27.000
And one night I go to the bodega, and the little Dominican lady, she said...
01:21:36.000
Her grandson is laughing like shit and telling me...
01:21:46.000
She says she could tell you was having problems with your English, but you stuck with it and showed them...
01:21:59.000
You're like, bitch, that's the only thing I speak?
01:22:02.000
But she was like, you know, I saw you having some problems.
01:22:19.000
As a matter of fact, he used to call me Kehorois.
01:22:27.000
So, when I would be going to an audition or something in the morning, walking to the train, I noticed people just always go, Kehore is.
01:22:44.000
I just knew whatever they were saying was a fucking question.
01:22:56.000
They point at the watch and they go, oh, it's such and such a time.
01:23:10.000
So this thing with Dave, you don't like, because Earthquake is wondering when his is coming out too.
01:23:18.000
But he doesn't exactly know when it's coming out.
01:23:23.000
You know, Dave said, hey man, whenever you're ready.
01:23:33.000
But I mean, you know, every time you turn around, man, dude's chasing him with dresses on, all kinds of shit going on.
01:23:40.000
He said, tie up your shoes, son, you in a drag race.
01:23:53.000
You're just realizing how many of the people that are upset at him didn't even watch the special.
01:23:58.000
They watched the special, and you still are angry at him, and you missed the point.
01:24:06.000
I was on the road with Louis C.K. So I go outside the comedy club.
01:24:14.000
And the girl says, there's a comedian in there.
01:24:50.000
I cut right through the line and go in the back.
01:24:54.000
It's somewhere, man, but it's like they got a back room with karaoke.
01:25:06.000
She comes in with the police and shit, and she's like...
01:25:18.000
Because we're all sitting in the back, you know, just talking about whatever.
01:25:22.000
It's me, Lynn Coplitz, and we're all just sitting there, and the girl, you know, because the girl and the policeman and the manager or the owner of the club come in, Because they thought that you were going back there to fuck up the comedian.
01:25:36.000
Because she saw me, I dipped all over your back.
01:25:43.000
And she says, I think that guy's going back there to do something to the comedian.
01:25:48.000
So when she come in and she see me first, she's like...
01:26:02.000
She was like, I'm like, yeah, I got that motherfucker!
01:26:07.000
And then, yeah, she ended up, she didn't know What Louie had done, she took pictures, they gave her a t-shirt for the club, took a picture with Louie in the green room.
01:26:22.000
Yes, she was just there because some girl from her college said, yeah, let's go do this, let's go protest.
01:26:31.000
It's like so many of the people that they haven't even thought it through.
01:26:37.000
If you were in the room with Louis when he jerked off and he said, can I jerk off in front of you?
01:26:43.000
I guess you got an argument that maybe you shouldn't have been asked that question.
01:26:50.000
Because it puts you in an uncomfortable situation.
01:26:53.000
Remember that joke that Kevin Brennan used to have about consent?
01:27:00.000
He says, on the college campus, you meet a girl and go, can I kiss you?
01:27:19.000
He goes, do they sell chicken fingers in Pizza Hut?
01:27:36.000
And then, you know, can I stick it in your butt?
01:27:40.000
Because, did you know, do they sell chicken fingers and pizza?
01:27:54.000
But that when you were opening for Louis, so that was after the controversy.
01:28:12.000
Is he the mayor or the governor on Queen of the South?
01:28:41.000
It's from 2016. How is he not on the first role?
01:29:05.000
How the fuck is there a show that has been going on since 2016 I'm just hearing about now?
01:29:09.000
Man, this is like one of the hottest shows ever.
01:29:33.000
He just wanted to bone through his face and everything.
01:29:49.000
And I like the part where he go, he jumped off the waterfall.
01:29:52.000
He said, hey, my grandfather hunted in this forest.
01:29:57.000
And my son and my son's sons were hunting this forest.
01:30:42.000
Basically, they're big drug dealers who buy it straight from the cartel.
01:30:47.000
So, like how Pablo Escobar was the cartel, they're buying from.
01:30:54.000
So they would buy it from Pablo and then distribute it.
01:31:45.000
It's getting mixed reviews, but I think it's just because people want to hate him.
01:31:48.000
The people that are Louis C.K. fans will love it.
01:32:00.000
And I could see the look on the audience's face.
01:32:07.000
And I was like, you can't do this around motherfuckers who weak and drunk, man.
01:32:25.000
Well, he's always been one of the most prolific guys.
01:32:28.000
He used to put out a special every year, which I think is too much.
01:32:31.000
I think every couple years, I think you want to give the material time to cook.
01:32:35.000
If you're doing a new special every year, generally speaking, I feel like it could use a little bit more time.
01:32:42.000
With mine, you'll see a car, and you go, it's a nice car.
01:32:46.000
You see it next year, it's got rims, it's a little tenet, it's this.
01:32:51.000
Then you see it again, it's fucking been elevated.
01:32:55.000
You say, that's the same car, but wow, look at all the shit you done put on it.
01:33:04.000
Some of them, though, come out right out of the box.
01:33:17.000
It takes a little time to get it right, to get it tuned in.
01:33:20.000
I have jokes that I would say 20, 30 years in the making.
01:33:26.000
It's because it's from different parts of my life.
01:33:30.000
Like, the first time I did Def Comedy Jam and I did the thing, I said, where the lady sneezed and a booger hit me.
01:33:37.000
And the booger was on me and then I said, the transit cop said, hey, did you hit that lady?
01:33:48.000
Not because I was afraid, but he was handicapped.
01:33:52.000
And everybody go, oh, he wasn't like in a wheelchair.
01:34:11.000
Because this guy said that I was messing with his sister.
01:34:26.000
So he said, yeah, he was messing with your sister.
01:34:32.000
And he said, yeah, man, I heard you fucking my sister.
01:34:42.000
So you know how the kids get around, like, ooh, and we squaring up, and I'm doing my thing, you know, and man, next thing I know, he, you know, he had his arm around him.
01:35:11.000
Maybe that's why things ain't working out for me.
01:35:17.000
It's just hard to explain a bit without doing a bit.
01:35:23.000
That little alarm thing happened in sixth grade, whereas the nose thing happened.
01:35:33.000
But it didn't happen to me, but it was a lady, and it looked kind of crusty right here.
01:36:04.000
So when you were in France, they understand English?
01:36:15.000
No, it's just, with me, I think I have an easier time because I speak slowly and deliberately.
01:36:22.000
And I don't rush, and I don't make it too American, you know?
01:36:28.000
I know when I've crossed the bridge, you know what I'm saying?
01:36:32.000
Like, when I left Manhattan into, you know, like, I remember speaking to Reggie McFadden, the first time he came to D.C., first time I saw him in D.C., and he's up there telling jokes about the subway.
01:36:48.000
Yeah, everybody who lives in New York rides a train.
01:36:56.000
I'd say the easiest country where people speak another language is the Netherlands.
01:37:01.000
Because, you know, Dutch is English, French, and German mixed together.
01:37:09.000
Yeah, it's English, French, and German mixed together.
01:37:35.000
It was more of like what you saw Mike Tyson do.
01:37:42.000
Instead of just joke, joke, joke, joke, joke, joke.
01:37:44.000
You know, some valid points, some funny nuances.
01:37:55.000
And so when he's up there, like, he's doing like an hour?
01:38:08.000
As a matter of fact, I think it was called the American Theater.
01:38:16.000
I would say the spot held about 200, 300. About 200. Because here's the stage, and here are the people...
01:38:43.000
Yeah, and everybody's eating and drinking, and the air is just full of horse shit.
01:38:53.000
You can get pizza and hot dogs and pretzels and...
01:38:58.000
And they're jousting and shit is flying around.
01:39:03.000
So what other countries did you guys do when you were on the tour?
01:39:09.000
Portugal, France, Belgium, and then went to Rotterdam.
01:39:26.000
Especially in the big cities, like in Amsterdam and in Rotterdam and stuff like that.
01:39:35.000
As a matter of fact, he married a woman from there.
01:39:37.000
Well, Tom Rhodes used to have a show over there.
01:39:49.000
I forget what it was called, but it was like Tom Rhodes was the host, but it wasn't the Tom Rhodes show.
01:40:05.000
And the late night talk show thing, the format was much more relaxed.
01:40:16.000
The first time it was me, Tony Rock, Godfrey, and Teddy Smith.
01:40:30.000
It was like condom commercials and it'd be two guys.
01:40:34.000
And then like you see, like what they're doing now in America.
01:40:37.000
You see a family, the dad be black, the mom be white, the little kids be beige and shit.
01:40:42.000
Because they just wasn't doing that here in America.
01:40:47.000
It's like these people are progressive and they're very tall.
01:41:09.000
As a matter of fact, the first time we went, it's because Esty fired me.
01:41:18.000
I got there a little late, and Esty said, I can't take it.
01:41:23.000
I'm like, but I'm here now because the show's running behind.
01:41:27.000
She said, well, yeah, the show's running behind because we had a stall because she wasn't here.
01:41:43.000
These guys are like, yo, I know this guy that's speaking in Dutch and everything.
01:41:51.000
And the guy who was the host of the show, he goes, listen, everybody in Suriname loves you.
01:41:59.000
I just figured this motherfucker had an accent and was mispronouncing Vietnam.
01:42:05.000
Because if you see him, he look like he could be Blazian.
01:42:16.000
So then they say, yeah, we're going to bring you.
01:42:18.000
And then one guy would say, have you ever been to the Deadlands before?
01:42:21.000
And the other guy would say, you're going to love Holland.
01:42:24.000
And I'm like, okay, where are you motherfuckers from?
01:42:35.000
So that's when you started going on tour over in other countries?
01:42:39.000
No, that's when I just started going to Holland.
01:42:43.000
All of us did that, like Patrice, Rich Voss, they used to bring us over there and do that show in Rotterdam.
01:42:52.000
Did you go over there and do decadent shit like prostitutes?
01:42:58.000
Because, I mean, would you walk into a glass booth with everybody looking?
01:43:10.000
And then they got the weed and the mushrooms and the...
01:43:14.000
I think they're backing off of some of that stuff over there because so many people go over there and get too fucked up, especially on edibles.
01:43:23.000
I lost my mind on edibles last time I was there.
01:43:28.000
Well, if you don't know what you're doing, you eat too much.
01:43:37.000
And it was like fucking 12 noon, I'm riding my bicycle, go get something to eat, blah, blah, blah, get ready, do the show that night, catch a train to go do the show, come back, and then I'm in the room and I'm laying down.
01:43:55.000
I was laying in the bed, but my feet kept going.
01:44:03.000
And it's a good thing I was on the phone because I was like, I don't know something wrong.
01:44:08.000
So then I called downstairs and said, hey man, somebody keep trying to get in my room.
01:44:15.000
Because what would happen is they had the little Ziploc thing on the door.
01:44:23.000
So when I was going to go downstairs to complain that my bed...
01:44:30.000
I was opening the door, and it goes, and then I go, shut it back.
01:44:35.000
That's when I call and say, yo, man, somebody trying to break in my goddamn room right there.
01:44:38.000
And I was on the phone, and she says, I'll call.
01:45:02.000
He goes, someone called and said that you're having a problem with your feet.
01:45:21.000
And he went into the mini bar and gave me some candy.
01:45:28.000
It would be nice if you did not go out tonight, Mr. Woods.
01:45:36.000
And then, of course, they went back downstairs, and of course I called them back because somebody was still trying to get in my room.
01:45:51.000
Yeah, and I'm like, what if that shit had kicked in when I was out in the street, man?
01:45:56.000
Because, you know, bicycles are like rush hour.
01:46:05.000
And the kid who gave it to me, it was another comedian's son.
01:46:08.000
He was like 30. But anyway, he says, yo, that space cake was horrible.
01:46:21.000
People that have too much tolerance for marijuana, they'll fucking ruin it for you.
01:46:34.000
200-milligram stars of death throwing two, three down his throat at the same time.
01:46:43.000
I drove his car, and he always loved gummy bears.
01:46:50.000
And then I went to go get some, went to go get something done at Kinko's, get something copied or something like that.
01:47:00.000
I'm like, I don't know how to work this machine.
01:47:04.000
She says, okay, you put your card in, you press start.
01:47:07.000
I'm like, I still don't know how to work this machine.
01:47:28.000
I'm like, come on, one bag of candy, all the bags of candy, I done bought you, boy.
01:47:36.000
So do you have an idea of where you want to do your special?
01:47:50.000
The only thing I've done at Tacoma, I did a show with Dave out there.
01:47:53.000
Nate Jackson, he plays Junkyard Dog on Young Rock, the TV show.
01:48:09.000
I like the Dead Crow, and I like the comedy works.
01:48:18.000
So when you do, if you do a special at a club, how many shows do you want to film?
01:48:32.000
I know you're not supposed to do that, I heard.
01:48:38.000
The pressure is when the execs go, so, have you prepared your set yet?
01:48:47.000
Oh, they want to go over your material with you.
01:49:01.000
And this woman, as a matter of fact, the woman from my podcast, Maya, that's what she does, like, in court or whatever.
01:49:14.000
And then so when we did the thing, you know, one of the people, she was like, oh, so you changed it around.
01:49:23.000
She said, because you didn't do the bit about this.
01:49:25.000
I'm like, oh yeah, I haven't done that shit in 20 years.
01:49:30.000
So you wrote out the set, but you wrote it out totally different.
01:49:34.000
I just said, because they kept pressuring me like, yo, send us a COVID test and send us the transcript.
01:49:41.000
I sent them the COVID test and he's like, okay, we wanted the transcript.
01:49:51.000
Well, I canceled a special once, because I was on the phone with these executives, and we were going with material, and they're like, well, this has to change.
01:50:12.000
When I did the Comedy Central special, The Half House special.
01:50:17.000
There's a part when I said I smoked weed and I stepped into the television.
01:50:34.000
And I think the guy's like, maybe we should go with boobies.
01:50:49.000
And I was like, I said, how long have you been doing comedy?
01:50:52.000
He said, no, I'm just, I forgot his title for comedy.
01:51:01.000
And then so, boom, that went through all the little bullet points of what I was going to do and all that shit.
01:51:17.000
It's the worst is when they try to give you an alternative word.
01:51:29.000
Every time I watch one of these shows, somebody gets a check for editing.
01:51:35.000
Because I'm going to say what I'm going to say.
01:51:48.000
Hey, you fired, motherfucker, because I got to do my own editing.
01:51:52.000
So you literally don't know when you're doing it.
01:52:05.000
I feel like I have to call Dave and go, Dave, I was talking to Tony and we got to work this out.
01:52:12.000
You know how people say that we remind each other of each other a little bit.
01:52:17.000
A little, but I think you definitely influence his style.
01:52:30.000
And he said, listen, we're going to have to do this for real.
01:52:34.000
I'm going to come back and we're going to do it for real.
01:52:43.000
You know, we'll probably do it on such and such time.
01:52:46.000
And you're like, all right, yeah, all right, cool.
01:52:52.000
He marches to the beat of his own drummer, you know?
01:52:59.000
And they got a lot of different titles for people who march to the beat of their drum.
01:53:13.000
Simple was before people used good words like autistic and stuff.
01:53:21.000
The first time I heard somebody say autistic, because the little boy was jumping on The couch with his fucking snow boots on.
01:53:28.000
And his father goes, hey, don't yell at him because he's autistic.
01:53:38.000
But that's because I didn't know what it meant.
01:53:43.000
I'm not a bad person to everybody, but I guess a lot of people can say, maybe karma's keeping you from that special.
01:53:51.000
No, it feels like you just need someone to corral you.
01:53:58.000
Because once you're up there, once you're on stage, you're a bad motherfucker.
01:54:05.000
I feel like if someone just points a camera at you for five shows, one of them is going to be A+. I think it would be better if nobody told me the cameras are there.
01:54:15.000
I think if these motherfuckers hide the cameras...
01:54:18.000
And then they would say something like, okay, see that right there?
01:54:22.000
They'd say, don't worry, Tony, that's the camera.
01:54:32.000
Well, the thing is about when you do five shows, it's like you just get used to the fact that the cameras are four shows.
01:54:37.000
You'll get used to the fact there's a camera on you, and it won't mean anything to you.
01:54:40.000
Yeah, I never, yeah, well, cameras never mean nothing, especially when they be going.
01:54:46.000
No, I'm talking about when they telling me to wrap up.
01:54:51.000
And they got the red light is blinking on top of the camera.
01:54:59.000
I did 20 minutes on BET's Comic View one time, too.
01:55:10.000
Well, if you're the last one, what's the big deal?
01:55:16.000
He said, well, I ain't the one you got to worry about.
01:55:19.000
Well, then why the fuck you say something to me, dawg?
01:55:57.000
He said, well, I ain't the one you got to worry about.
01:56:05.000
He was basically, you know how one of your siblings might say to you, oh, you're going to get it.
01:56:14.000
He goes, no, I ain't the one you got to worry about.
01:56:25.000
Well, whenever your special does come out, please let me know so we can let everybody know.
01:56:44.000
I thought that you would have a night down here.
01:56:46.000
I do Tuesdays and Wednesdays at the Vulcan Gas Company.
01:57:00.000
Whenever your special comes out, we'll have you back.
01:57:20.000
On the 30th of December, I'll be at the Arlington Cinema and Draft House.
01:57:31.000
And then, damn, I can't think of the other show.
01:57:38.000
This Thursday, Arlington Cinema and Draft House.
01:58:06.000
I know they sent me an email asking me to talk about some shit.
01:58:15.000
Okay, on December 30th, Arlington Drafthouse in Arlington, Virginia.
01:58:20.000
January 13th through the 15th, Atlanta Comedy Theater in Atlanta, Georgia.
01:58:26.000
January 16th and 17th, Hard Knocks, Laughs in Las Vegas.
01:58:39.000
February 11th and 12th, Wiley's in Dayton, Ohio.
01:58:43.000
And then March 31st to April 2nd, Sidesplitters.
01:58:50.000
But also, wait, I got something in Chicago, too.
01:59:10.000
Does your Instagram page have your dates on it?
01:59:14.000
Man, you know, because people always talk about they get a blue dot and they say...
01:59:26.000
But yeah, I'm going to be at Riddles in Chicago on January the 7th and 8th.
01:59:40.000
I got the Arlington Drafthouse one, Atlanta Comedy Theater in Atlanta, Hard Knocks in Vegas, and then Wiley's Dayton, Ohio.
01:59:51.000
For some reason, I don't have that on this list.
02:00:04.000
I hate you talking with everybody about killing these caribou and stuff.
02:00:38.000
So we went to this little outpost place, and it's just a blanket on the wall.
02:01:23.000
I come back, and he's like, son, where'd you get this?
02:01:30.000
And they go, son, it's on an endangered species.
02:01:44.000
See, because it seems like everything I see on your Joe Rogan podcast, people don't believe me.
02:01:50.000
That's why, because somebody told me not to mention mermaids.
02:02:13.000
You think there's like a small population of mermaids that are out there?
02:02:16.000
But anyway, me and this little French boy, and they said, don't swim in the lagoon after dark.
02:02:25.000
Everybody's up at the bar, and so everybody's going to go there.
02:02:33.000
From a distance, you see something coming like a fucking missile, but it's going fast, and we both kind of stop.
02:02:39.000
And then it turns and it jumps out of the water, and it's maybe at least 10, 12 feet long, man.
02:02:45.000
And they do like this, and they look at both of us and go...
02:02:56.000
And everybody's coming down there laughing, got their drinks in their hand.
02:03:00.000
And the little boy in French and his mom is apologizing to me, saying he has a very vivid imagination.
02:03:17.000
A fucking dude who said get the fuck out the pool.
02:03:27.000
Did it look like a fish person or a human being?
02:03:47.000
Then, if you Google it, the lagoons of Seychelles.
02:03:53.000
And I ain't the first person to see some shit in them waters.
02:03:57.000
And the guy who does the horseback riding, you know, you can ride horses, he said, how old are you?
02:04:03.000
And I told him, he said, you're from America, right?
02:04:05.000
He said, so at this age, pretty much if you see a turtle, and I tell you that's not a turtle, He says, you know it's a turtle.
02:04:15.000
He says, people pay a lot of money at this resort.
02:04:19.000
He says, yeah, it's maybe not a good idea to go around going, I saw a mermaid.
02:04:24.000
And he goes, Mike, he's saying how long his family has been fishing in these waters.
02:04:33.000
He says, I've heard some things like what you said.
02:04:43.000
But basically he was saying, if you ask me to co-sign that shit, fuck you.
02:04:59.000
Because I'm like, if y'all don't believe Dakota's bare...
02:05:03.000
You definitely won't believe the mermaid story.
02:05:21.000
And it was in the lagoons around, like, you know, like how you know how the island is shaped like this and like in the lagoon part.
02:05:30.000
Well, they say they've only discovered 10% of the ocean.
02:05:33.000
Yeah, so maybe he's in the other 90. Alright, man.
02:05:50.000
Was there another Tony Woods with an S? I don't know, but I'm the first Tony Woods in the world.
02:05:55.000
Like, if you Google me, I'm the first Tony Woods ever.
02:06:03.000
I see you at the Arlington Draft House on Thursday.
02:06:08.000
Joe, this is the best podcast I've ever done today.
02:06:20.000
I mean, you know, a lot of people say I just kind of go in the seat of my pants.