The Joe Rogan Experience - Joe Rogan Experience #1818

00:00:01.000 Joe Rogan Podcast, check it out!

00:00:04.000 The Joe Rogan Experience.

00:00:05.000 Train by day, Joe Rogan Podcast by night, all day.

00:00:12.000 Good now?

00:00:12.000 Okay, go ahead.

00:00:13.000 So my mom and my stepdad were super fat when I was in high school, and their favorite spot was claim jumpers.

00:00:20.000 Because of the pork, you can get a lot of food!

00:00:22.000 You can get a lot!

00:00:23.000 And like, did you ever eat there?

00:00:25.000 Oh yeah.

00:00:26.000 Oh my god, they give you a piece of chocolate.

00:00:29.000 Piles of food.

00:00:29.000 That should be the slogan.

00:00:31.000 Piles!

00:00:31.000 You could eat by the pound.

00:00:33.000 And, yeah, it was like a slice of chocolate cake that was this.

00:00:37.000 It was like five pounds of cake.

00:00:38.000 Yeah, enormous.

00:00:39.000 And they loved it.

00:00:41.000 But I think they stopped banging.

00:00:42.000 You know, in the marriage, when you stop having sex, you just eat.

00:00:45.000 I think that's what happens, right?

00:00:47.000 That's rough.

00:00:48.000 I know.

00:00:49.000 It gets to that weird place where it's like, what are we doing?

00:00:52.000 Are we just friends?

00:00:54.000 Can I tell you I jerk off to porn?

00:00:56.000 You know what I mean?

00:00:57.000 It's like, if you get to that spot where you're not having sex anymore.

00:01:01.000 That's the worst.

00:01:02.000 It's common, though.

00:01:03.000 In marriage?

00:01:04.000 Oh, yeah.

00:01:04.000 Not in my marriage.

00:01:05.000 My husband will hold me down and make it happen.

00:01:08.000 I'm sure.

00:01:09.000 I swear, Tommy can have a fever, and he's like, are we going?

00:01:12.000 I'm like, yeah, dude.

00:01:15.000 But if you're, oh my god, the worst is when you're in a relationship with someone, and you stop banging, and you know when you live with them, and then you fucking hear them come in, and you're like, oh, this motherfucker's here.

00:01:29.000 It's the worst.

00:01:30.000 Yeah, when people either grow together or they grow apart.

00:01:34.000 And if they grow apart and they're still together, that's fucking terrible.

00:01:39.000 Then you're, like, living with the enemy.

00:01:41.000 You know?

00:01:42.000 You have, like, some shithead that you work with, but they're in your house.

00:01:46.000 You know, like, there's, like, that shithead at the office, like, oh, this fucking annoying asshole.

00:01:50.000 Yeah.

00:01:51.000 Now it's your husband or your wife.

00:01:53.000 You ever done the landmark for him?

00:01:54.000 Yeah, I know.

00:01:55.000 And you're like, what are you?

00:01:57.000 Oh, the landmark.

00:01:58.000 There's always one in an office, right?

00:02:00.000 Trying to recruit.

00:02:01.000 Yeah.

00:02:02.000 Yeah, what do you do?

00:02:03.000 I mean, you hope that your marriage, that that person is intellectually curious enough and introspective enough that they want to grow, right?

00:02:12.000 Yeah, they want to grow with you.

00:02:14.000 Yeah.

00:02:15.000 You hope that you've married someone.

00:02:16.000 That's like the secret, you know?

00:02:18.000 Because I'm watching this Amber Heard thing.

00:02:21.000 Cheers to that.

00:02:21.000 Yeah, oh, I know.

00:02:22.000 You've been into it too.

00:02:23.000 Let's talk about that fucking crazy bitch.

00:02:25.000 And like, the whole time, you know, I have two little boys.

00:02:29.000 So I'm like, how do I raise these boys to not be into that?

00:02:33.000 They're not going to be into that.

00:02:34.000 Tell me why.

00:02:35.000 First of all, he grew up famous.

00:02:37.000 He's an actor.

00:02:38.000 He lives in that bullshit world.

00:02:40.000 He's insulated from regular people.

00:02:42.000 That's true.

00:02:43.000 Also, I think he was in a real loving relationship before with the mother of his child.

00:02:48.000 You know, he's married and then left for this crazy bitch.

00:02:52.000 And I think that when you do that, like, you expect relationships to be like the original relationship that you had.

00:02:59.000 I think Paul McCartney fell into that, too.

00:03:01.000 Yeah.

00:03:01.000 Married that one-legged lady.

00:03:02.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:03:03.000 She was fucking insane.

00:03:04.000 Remember how insane she was?

00:03:05.000 Yes.

00:03:06.000 Like, she kept files on him and threatened to tell everyone everything.

00:03:10.000 Like, what do you think you have on Paul McCartney?

00:03:12.000 And, like, he's such a good guy.

00:03:15.000 He's a great guy.

00:03:15.000 He's into the one-legged lady...

00:03:17.000 He thought he was doing her solid.

00:03:19.000 Meanwhile, she was setting up for a big fall.

00:03:23.000 She wanted everything.

00:03:25.000 Bitch, I'm doing you a solid.

00:03:26.000 You got one leg.

00:03:27.000 Who's going to bang you?

00:03:28.000 There's monsters out there.

00:03:29.000 There's monsters out there.

00:03:30.000 Women.

00:03:30.000 Men too, for sure.

00:03:32.000 I know, but here's the deal, man.

00:03:34.000 During Me Too, it was like, believe all women.

00:03:37.000 I remember being like, yeah, yeah, okay, let's start.

00:03:40.000 Absolutely, there's a need for that in society.

00:03:43.000 But all of them?

00:03:44.000 All of them?

00:03:45.000 Because there's some crazy bitches out there.

00:03:47.000 What's that lady who killed her kid in Florida?

00:03:49.000 How many?

00:03:50.000 I mean, there's always some lady that...

00:03:52.000 Casey Anthony.

00:03:52.000 Thank you.

00:03:52.000 How about Casey Anthony?

00:03:54.000 She out there kicking ass?

00:03:55.000 What's going on?

00:03:57.000 Believe her?

00:03:58.000 You know what I mean?

00:03:59.000 I know!

00:04:00.000 It's like there's quite a few that are insane.

00:04:02.000 I know!

00:04:03.000 This whole, like, male versus woman thing, like, oh, it's so crazy.

00:04:08.000 And the ones who propagate that, the women who prop that up, are the most insane.

00:04:14.000 They're the most insane and the ones who hate women the most.

00:04:17.000 The female comedians that I know that go and attack men whenever anything happens and try to support women, those girls hate women.

00:04:25.000 They hate other successful women.

00:04:27.000 They hate women doing better than them.

00:04:29.000 They're haters in general.

00:04:31.000 They're haters in general.

00:04:31.000 But they can find support in attacking a piece of shit man.

00:04:37.000 Yeah, it's an easy thing to rally around and get support.

00:04:40.000 No one's going to be like, let's defend the rapist.

00:04:43.000 Clearly.

00:04:43.000 Yeah, it's a good way to start.

00:04:45.000 Start with rapists.

00:04:47.000 If you're going to be a murderer, be Dexter or serial killers.

00:04:52.000 Everybody's on your side.

00:04:52.000 You can get a show.

00:04:53.000 Yeah.

00:04:53.000 That's the thing.

00:04:54.000 They always rally around stuff that people are like, yeah, well, duh.

00:04:57.000 Duh.

00:04:58.000 No shit.

00:04:58.000 Exactly.

00:04:59.000 Nobody's pro-rapist.

00:05:00.000 You're so right.

00:05:01.000 As I said, I'm raising two little boys, so I'm like, I can't hate dudes.

00:05:06.000 I'm raising dudes.

00:05:07.000 I don't think you have to worry about them getting roped into a bad little boy.

00:05:11.000 With you two in the house, first of all, they're constantly hearing bullshit being broken down and shit on, right?

00:05:17.000 So that's the thing with my kids, too.

00:05:19.000 It's like everything is made fun of.

00:05:22.000 Yeah.

00:05:22.000 So the things that are nonsense, it's really hard to sneak them by my kids because they're like, what?

00:05:29.000 They know now.

00:05:30.000 They've been trained to think properly.

00:05:31.000 They hear what all the time.

00:05:33.000 What the fuck are you talking about?

00:05:35.000 See, that's the essence of it, because as I'm raising my kids, I'm like, what is the secret sauce here?

00:05:40.000 It's not getting good grades.

00:05:41.000 We all know some of the most successful motherfuckers got bad grades, right?

00:05:45.000 It's not about doing what you're told.

00:05:47.000 It's about thinking clearly and the ability to think and go, ah, that's not true.

00:05:52.000 That's not right.

00:05:53.000 No, I'm not going to do that.

00:05:55.000 Yes, I'm going to do that.

00:05:56.000 And to do what your peers aren't doing, you know?

00:06:00.000 Mm-hmm.

00:06:01.000 To think clearly.

00:06:03.000 How do you teach that?

00:06:04.000 You gotta give them tests.

00:06:06.000 Like they have to do things that are difficult.

00:06:08.000 Like sports are really good for boys because it forces you to work hard and you understand that effort actually equals reward.

00:06:16.000 That's everything.

00:06:17.000 Yeah, that's big.

00:06:17.000 Sports are big for kids.

00:06:19.000 People don't like sports because they think of sports as being connected to jocks and assholes and bullies, but the reality is those difficult social interactions and then the physical struggle of athletics, especially one versus one athletics.

00:06:34.000 There's so many life lessons in that.

00:06:37.000 Like tennis?

00:06:37.000 Yeah, anything where it's one versus one.

00:06:39.000 I think so, too.

00:06:41.000 Because if that guy fucking whacks that ball by you, he got you.

00:06:43.000 Period.

00:06:44.000 End of discussion.

00:06:45.000 That ball goes flying by, and you're like, fuck!

00:06:47.000 He got you.

00:06:48.000 Maybe if you were in a little better shape, you would have knocked it back in hand.

00:06:52.000 Maybe you practiced a little more, you had a little more strategy, you know, a little more training.

00:06:57.000 Yeah, you'd go, I wasn't such a loser.

00:06:59.000 I'm such a fucking loser.

00:07:00.000 And you'd work harder, and then one day you'd beat him.

00:07:02.000 Like, motherfucker, I got you.

00:07:04.000 And you'd come home.

00:07:05.000 We are the champions, my friends.

00:07:09.000 Yeah, I like that grit.

00:07:11.000 See, resilience.

00:07:12.000 What the fuck I'm talking about?

00:07:13.000 Some people never develop that.

00:07:15.000 And those are the saddest people to be around.

00:07:17.000 They also have a really hard time with other people being successful.

00:07:21.000 Haters, man.

00:07:22.000 Yeah, haters.

00:07:23.000 A lot of haters.

00:07:24.000 There's haters and there's winners.

00:07:25.000 And you learn that.

00:07:26.000 I learned that through stand-up comedy.

00:07:29.000 Failure is the best teacher.

00:07:31.000 It's a great motivator, that's for sure.

00:07:33.000 Oof.

00:07:34.000 To avoid the shame of failure?

00:07:36.000 Absolutely.

00:07:36.000 All these negative feelings that we're trying to protect children from, it's the secret sauce.

00:07:42.000 Yeah, it feels bad, but that's also what gets you out of bed and gets you going.

00:07:46.000 That's like fat shaming.

00:07:47.000 It works.

00:07:48.000 It's the best!

00:07:49.000 Oh my god, so I'm obsessed with French culture right now because I want to age gracefully.

00:07:58.000 I don't want to be just like a fat American wife, dude.

00:08:01.000 What about someone with fillers?

00:08:04.000 I do a little bit, but I'm not gonna go crazy.

00:08:08.000 Get a cat lady face.

00:08:10.000 I can't wait.

00:08:12.000 Tommy wants me to get bigger tits.

00:08:13.000 Really?

00:08:14.000 He's like, your tits are so small.

00:08:15.000 They're huge.

00:08:16.000 Whoa, is he talking shit?

00:08:16.000 He's just joking, he's joking.

00:08:19.000 I saw you look at them.

00:08:20.000 You were like, are they?

00:08:21.000 No, they're big.

00:08:22.000 They're enormous.

00:08:23.000 I've seen them a lot.

00:08:24.000 You've seen them a lot?

00:08:25.000 I've known you for like fucking over a decade.

00:08:27.000 I know.

00:08:27.000 You've seen me pregnant.

00:08:28.000 How many years have I known you?

00:08:30.000 I've known you for 15 years.

00:08:31.000 Isn't that wild?

00:08:32.000 That's crazy.

00:08:32.000 And it's like our lives just stayed the same.

00:08:34.000 Yeah, pretty much.

00:08:35.000 Same shit, different toilet.

00:08:37.000 Can I take my shoes off?

00:08:38.000 Yeah, of course.

00:08:38.000 So anyway, I like to get comfortable and talk to you.

00:08:41.000 So I was reading about French culture, and do you know that in France, they don't even sell, like, size 10 or 12 clothing?

00:08:49.000 Like, the culture fat shames you so hard.

00:08:52.000 Especially women, like, after you have a baby, your mother or your friends will be like, are you gonna...

00:08:56.000 Time to get it off.

00:08:58.000 Time to tighten it up, bitch.

00:08:59.000 But they're not known for being into, like, physical fitness, though.

00:09:02.000 No, they're very gelatinous.

00:09:05.000 Like the men, you can tell they're kind of, they have that body.

00:09:08.000 Skinny fat?

00:09:08.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:09:10.000 So they just don't eat?

00:09:12.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:09:13.000 You just have to be anorexic and then you like, I like to walk or I maybe swim.

00:09:17.000 I do a little bit of swimming, whatever gives me pleasure.

00:09:20.000 It's always about pleasure.

00:09:21.000 Oh.

00:09:22.000 Yeah, but I don't.

00:09:23.000 The Americans, you push it too high.

00:09:25.000 They're not to go to a gym.

00:09:25.000 They're food, though.

00:09:26.000 So good.

00:09:27.000 That's the side of that, like, only wanting pleasure.

00:09:30.000 It's like you get amazing food.

00:09:32.000 I know, dude.

00:09:33.000 Yeah.

00:09:34.000 What's your jam?

00:09:35.000 Oh, God.

00:09:35.000 Well, I'm mostly a meat eater.

00:09:37.000 Oh, that's right.

00:09:38.000 But I like foie gras.

00:09:40.000 Fucking A, dude.

00:09:41.000 Yeah.

00:09:41.000 I mean, it's a French word.

00:09:43.000 Foie gras.

00:09:43.000 Fogwa.

00:09:44.000 It's really just liver.

00:09:46.000 It's just duck liver, which sounds gross.

00:09:48.000 But Fogwa.

00:09:49.000 Fogwa sounds amazing.

00:09:50.000 Right.

00:09:51.000 Duck liver is for hillbillies, but Fogwa.

00:09:53.000 Fogwa.

00:09:54.000 And don't they force feed the duck?

00:09:56.000 Mm-hmm.

00:09:57.000 Like they force feed it champagne.

00:09:58.000 The thing about that is, no, they feed it grain.

00:10:00.000 They put a tube down its mouth and feed it grain.

00:10:03.000 The thing about that is, though, everybody says, oh my God, that's awful.

00:10:05.000 They force feed the ducks.

00:10:07.000 You're right.

00:10:08.000 Kind of.

00:10:08.000 But the problem is they like it.

00:10:10.000 The ducks actually go towards the force feeder.

00:10:13.000 Oh, they do?

00:10:13.000 Yeah, they walk towards the force feeder.

00:10:15.000 They want the food.

00:10:16.000 Hilarious.

00:10:16.000 Yeah, it's not like they run away and hide like a dog that's being beaten or anything like that.

00:10:21.000 It's like they actually go towards the force feeder.

00:10:23.000 Look at that.

00:10:24.000 Bourdain told me about that.

00:10:25.000 I miss him.

00:10:26.000 Yeah, I miss him too.

00:10:27.000 I loved him.

00:10:28.000 You see my paintings?

00:10:29.000 I did.

00:10:29.000 Look at that big giant one.

00:10:30.000 You know, I read all his books and I watched his shows and I felt...

00:10:36.000 I'm not into celebrities, but I felt so connected to that guy.

00:10:42.000 I didn't know him.

00:10:43.000 I just really enjoyed his whole vibe.

00:10:46.000 He was a great guy.

00:10:47.000 He was a great, complicated guy.

00:10:49.000 And I knew him pretty good.

00:10:51.000 I hung out with him a bunch.

00:10:55.000 I was friends with him.

00:10:56.000 That was one of those ones where I really felt like if I was around him, I could have helped.

00:11:01.000 Because it was a girl thing.

00:11:02.000 It was like a humiliation thing.

00:11:06.000 I felt like that guy needed someone Someone rigid, someone be like, hey man, you're gonna be fucking fine.

00:11:17.000 Fuck all this.

00:11:17.000 You're gonna be fine.

00:11:19.000 Don't buy any of this bullshit.

00:11:21.000 You hitched your fucking train to the wrong caboose.

00:11:26.000 You got a crazy bitch in your life, and it's not good.

00:11:29.000 And I've seen many a guy...

00:11:31.000 Who falls in love with the romantic notion of the wild woman.

00:11:35.000 You know, you want this wild, independent, you know, tattooed fucking rebel.

00:11:40.000 She does heroin and smokes cigarettes.

00:11:43.000 It's romantic.

00:11:45.000 Bourdain was a guy that liked image.

00:11:49.000 He was very aesthetically oriented.

00:11:52.000 He liked rebels.

00:11:54.000 He liked a certain kind of music that inspired this rebellious soul.

00:12:00.000 Love it.

00:12:01.000 He loved chefs that were cutting edge.

00:12:04.000 Outlaws.

00:12:05.000 Yeah, with finger tattoos and shit.

00:12:08.000 He was a wild dude, and he loved the idea of a woman like that, but I don't think he knew what a woman like that really is.

00:12:17.000 You have to be a predator.

00:12:19.000 You have to understand weakness.

00:12:22.000 You have to go, oh, look at that limp.

00:12:24.000 You're not going to make it to the waterhole.

00:12:26.000 You've got to see the weakness in people.

00:12:29.000 You've got to see the real flaws.

00:12:31.000 To see the whole thing.

00:12:33.000 You can't just only concentrate on the pretty feathers.

00:12:37.000 I need you to be a part of my life.

00:12:39.000 Well, that comes with heroin.

00:12:40.000 That comes with chaos.

00:12:42.000 That comes with lies.

00:12:43.000 That comes with cheating.

00:12:44.000 That comes with...

00:12:46.000 Stealing your money, getting your ATM card.

00:12:49.000 You don't want that in your life, man.

00:12:52.000 You don't want that in your life.

00:12:53.000 What you need is a burner phone.

00:12:55.000 If you're a single guy, you need a burner phone, a.k.a.

00:12:58.000 a hoe phone, and you don't give them your real phone number, and you hang out with them occasionally, and you frustrate them, and they talk shit about you in interviews, and that's fine.

00:13:06.000 Let that happen.

00:13:07.000 Yeah, it's just drama.

00:13:08.000 It's funny, because I had a few chaos boyfriends before I met my husband.

00:13:14.000 And, you know, the guy that's like, oh, he doesn't call you for four days.

00:13:18.000 And then you're like, where have you been?

00:13:20.000 And then you go over there and he's like, I rearranged all my furniture because he was high on meth for four days.

00:13:24.000 I made some collages.

00:13:26.000 I wrote you a song.

00:13:27.000 And you're like, this guy's wild.

00:13:28.000 And the sex is exciting because they're out of their fucking minds.

00:13:32.000 And then it's this push pull.

00:13:34.000 And I think that's what's so alluring about these psychos.

00:13:38.000 It's like, this is a familiar feeling.

00:13:41.000 Maybe I had it with mommy and daddy.

00:13:42.000 Push, pull, abandonment, whatever.

00:13:44.000 Right.

00:13:45.000 And I'm going to recreate this drama.

00:13:47.000 The drama.

00:13:48.000 Does she love me?

00:13:49.000 Can I consume her?

00:13:50.000 Can we consume each other?

00:13:51.000 Right.

00:13:52.000 It's like, it's an infantile love.

00:13:55.000 And then real love, when you get married, is about, you know, your husband peeing on you in the shower and laughing or, like, trimming his beard in the sink.

00:14:03.000 I think you're only talking about real love with Tommy.

00:14:05.000 Oh, sorry!

00:14:06.000 Ha ha ha!

00:14:12.000 I've never done that.

00:14:13.000 If I peed on my wife in the shower, she'd smack me in the face.

00:14:16.000 We'd have a real problem.

00:14:19.000 She'd be like, excuse me, bitch?

00:14:20.000 No, she would not.

00:14:21.000 She's a lady.

00:14:22.000 I am not a lady.

00:14:24.000 I'm learning from your wife how to be a lady.

00:14:26.000 She could help.

00:14:27.000 I know, I know.

00:14:28.000 She knows how to do it.

00:14:29.000 So you don't, yeah, like Tommy is just so gross.

00:14:32.000 But anyway.

00:14:32.000 But you need someone who is willing to work like you're willing to work.

00:14:37.000 Yeah.

00:14:38.000 On the relationship, on the friendship.

00:14:39.000 Yes.

00:14:40.000 And like on being a good person, on being kind and understanding and considerate of you and your feelings and the way they talk to you.

00:14:47.000 When you see people and like their spouse, like the man will insult the woman or the woman will insult the man, like that kind of relationship is so...

00:14:56.000 Toxic.

00:14:56.000 I've never insulted my wife ever.

00:14:58.000 Ever.

00:14:59.000 No, Joe.

00:15:00.000 I would never do it.

00:15:01.000 I don't insult you.

00:15:02.000 I would never insult Tommy.

00:15:04.000 I would never insult Jamie.

00:15:05.000 I don't insult my friends.

00:15:06.000 I don't insult them.

00:15:07.000 And if I have something to say that's unsympathetic, I tell them, I'm sorry I have to tell you this.

00:15:12.000 But this is what's wrong.

00:15:14.000 You have to stop doing this.

00:15:15.000 This is what's fucking you up.

00:15:16.000 But I do it out of love.

00:15:18.000 Like, we could all give in to the impulse, like you're annoyed at something.

00:15:22.000 Maybe you didn't get enough sleep, or you're tired, or you're hungover, or whatever, and someone's being annoying, like, shut the fuck up, you fucking idiot!

00:15:28.000 You want to say that?

00:15:29.000 But, you know, it's not the thing to do.

00:15:32.000 You care.

00:15:33.000 If I said that to my husband...

00:15:34.000 Oh, my God.

00:15:35.000 And, like, Tommy's not an abusive guy, but he might become one.

00:15:39.000 If I was like, shut up!

00:15:41.000 No, he'd probably go, oh, for real?

00:15:43.000 Oh, okay.

00:15:43.000 Oh, for real?

00:15:44.000 Yeah.

00:15:45.000 Yeah, he'd probably, like, start backing on you.

00:15:47.000 Because you see those couples that are like...

00:15:49.000 You're supposed to make a right turn here.

00:15:51.000 You didn't make a right turn.

00:15:53.000 You're supposed to make a...

00:15:53.000 And now we got to go all the way.

00:15:54.000 And it's like, what are you doing?

00:15:56.000 Right.

00:15:56.000 Why are you...

00:15:56.000 You're going to hang your...

00:15:58.000 Fucking idiot.

00:15:58.000 Yeah.

00:15:59.000 Fucking idiot!

00:16:00.000 You didn't put your blinkers on, you fucking idiot!

00:16:03.000 People get tossed out.

00:16:05.000 But it's also that thing, familiarity breeds contempt.

00:16:09.000 That's a thing with some people.

00:16:11.000 And part of it is because they're not comfortable in their own skin.

00:16:14.000 And so they start seeing all the things that are annoying about you.

00:16:20.000 Oh, my friend.

00:16:20.000 And you lose that fun of the beginning part of the relationship where you talk to each other about stuff.

00:16:27.000 Yeah.

00:16:27.000 And instead, you just get annoyed.

00:16:30.000 Well, I think you're absolutely right.

00:16:32.000 You take it out on them.

00:16:33.000 Yeah.

00:16:34.000 And the problem is you.

00:16:36.000 It's this guy.

00:16:37.000 Most of the time it's you.

00:16:37.000 Yeah.

00:16:38.000 You know, I think that's the huge beauty of being like middle-aged now is you go like, oh dude, this whole thing, no one's giving a fuck about you.

00:16:48.000 Right.

00:16:48.000 You understand?

00:16:48.000 This whole thing could have been avoided if I was a better person.

00:16:51.000 Yeah.

00:16:53.000 It was better being a human.

00:16:55.000 I could have avoided most of my conflicts.

00:16:58.000 Your drama, because you've got your lenses on, and then you're like, this guy's fucking with me.

00:17:03.000 And you're like, no, he's not.

00:17:04.000 This is Jamie.

00:17:05.000 He's just chewing his gum, and he's looking at the monitor.

00:17:06.000 He's fucking ignoring me right now.

00:17:08.000 Well, that's schizo.

00:17:09.000 The crazier people get, the more they think that people are plotting against them.

00:17:13.000 People that don't even know.

00:17:14.000 They don't even know who you are.

00:17:16.000 They think you're plotting against them.

00:17:18.000 Like, that's it taken to the worst level of mental illness.

00:17:22.000 But even like minor level of mental illness, like, oh, she's doing that to annoy me.

00:17:26.000 No, she's living her fucking life, man.

00:17:28.000 She likes chopping food like that.

00:17:31.000 Like, the fork doesn't hit the plate through the meat because she hates you.

00:17:37.000 It's just clink, clink.

00:17:39.000 I mean, you're like, ah, do you have to make that fucking noise every time you put your fork into the meat?

00:17:45.000 Clink.

00:17:46.000 You know, but that's...

00:17:48.000 When people are so upset with their own life and they're so unsatisfied and unfulfilled and they start finding flaws in everything else, but generally speaking, a lot of that has to do with yourself.

00:17:58.000 And I know personally when I'm most happy...

00:18:01.000 With my output, if I'm worked out, I've stretched, I've meditated, everything's going great.

00:18:08.000 I'm so much more compassionate and so much more caring about other people.

00:18:15.000 I'm more charitable.

00:18:16.000 I'm more relaxed about people.

00:18:18.000 It's like, oh, maybe they're just not getting by good, or maybe it's an error in thinking.

00:18:24.000 They're not a bad person.

00:18:25.000 They're having a tough time of it.

00:18:27.000 I'll be more charitable.

00:18:28.000 Absolutely.

00:18:29.000 And also being a function...

00:18:30.000 That's also, I think, a function of being a parent.

00:18:33.000 Yeah.

00:18:33.000 You learn that compassion.

00:18:36.000 Yeah.

00:18:37.000 I feel sorry for people that decide that kids are just like a waste of time and effort.

00:18:45.000 I agree.

00:18:46.000 And you know what's interesting is that I think...

00:18:48.000 And I fell into this trap too.

00:18:51.000 I bought into feminism hardcore when I was in college.

00:18:55.000 I was the angry feminist and I was like, I can't have kids.

00:18:58.000 Can't have kids.

00:18:59.000 They're going to hinder my success.

00:19:01.000 Your freedom.

00:19:02.000 My freedom.

00:19:02.000 If I have a kid, I'm going to focus on them and my career is going to die.

00:19:06.000 And then I was like, I've had two boys and since then...

00:19:09.000 Yeah.

00:19:10.000 It's been a rocket ship because they make you better.

00:19:14.000 They test you in ways you were never tested.

00:19:18.000 The suffering of motherhood.

00:19:20.000 I mean, it is sublime suffering.

00:19:23.000 Like last night I was up with my younger.

00:19:25.000 He was puking on me twice last night.

00:19:29.000 And it's horrible.

00:19:31.000 It's fucking horrible.

00:19:32.000 But then you love them so much.

00:19:34.000 I mean, who would you let in your life lay on you and vomit on you all night?

00:19:39.000 Yeah, not a lot of people.

00:19:40.000 Jamie, I would tell him to go in the other room.

00:19:42.000 Mike can't puke on me, bro.

00:19:45.000 Yeah, but like...

00:19:46.000 Yeah, it's a different kind of love.

00:19:49.000 It's hard for people to understand.

00:19:51.000 Like, I remember having a conversation with a buddy of mine.

00:19:53.000 It's one of those normal conversations.

00:19:55.000 And he was trying for a baby with his wife.

00:19:59.000 And he goes, well, you know, I have a dog and I really love my dog.

00:20:02.000 I go, shut the fuck up.

00:20:04.000 Just shut the fuck up.

00:20:05.000 I love my dog, too.

00:20:07.000 My dog is the best.

00:20:08.000 I would shoot him and cook him if my children were hungry.

00:20:12.000 I hate to say that.

00:20:14.000 See you later, Marshall.

00:20:14.000 I love that dog.

00:20:16.000 But, you know, Manny Pacquiao, when he was a boy, his parents didn't have any food and they killed their dog.

00:20:23.000 They killed the dog and cooked it.

00:20:25.000 How did they prepare it?

00:20:26.000 Did he mention...

00:20:27.000 Well, it's just meat.

00:20:28.000 How do you season it?

00:20:29.000 Any kind of meat.

00:20:30.000 Salt.

00:20:30.000 Mostly salt.

00:20:32.000 Yeah, you gotta do what you gotta do.

00:20:33.000 You gotta do.

00:20:34.000 But when you eat in Rover, it's rough.

00:20:36.000 But that's like letting everybody know this is next step between eating the neighbor.

00:20:41.000 Yeah.

00:20:41.000 Eat the dog first and the neighbor second.

00:20:43.000 I don't know.

00:20:44.000 I might go neighbor first.

00:20:46.000 Before your dog?

00:20:47.000 I do love my dog.

00:20:48.000 What if you got a good neighbor?

00:20:50.000 You share a paw with a neighbor?

00:20:52.000 Nah.

00:20:53.000 Share a paw.

00:20:54.000 Here's the tail, bitch.

00:20:55.000 It's tiny.

00:20:56.000 Yeah, it's that thing.

00:20:57.000 It's like you have to decide, do you want to eat your dog or would you rather starve to death?

00:21:02.000 Dude.

00:21:03.000 It's a moral decision at a certain point, but it becomes a survival decision.

00:21:08.000 And when it becomes a survival decision, you start thinking with your lizard brain.

00:21:11.000 And you think very differently.

00:21:13.000 First of all, you think about your children.

00:21:15.000 And if I saw my children starving...

00:21:17.000 All bets are off.

00:21:18.000 I'm diving in the lake with a gun.

00:21:20.000 I'm doing whatever I have to do.

00:21:22.000 We're eating beavers.

00:21:22.000 Hell yeah.

00:21:23.000 I'm finding food.

00:21:24.000 Bro, I'm prostituting myself.

00:21:25.000 I'm out there.

00:21:26.000 I'm on Congress.

00:21:27.000 Like, what's up?

00:21:27.000 Yeah.

00:21:28.000 And people do do that.

00:21:30.000 They do that because they realize there's a certain level of comfort that we all have in a normal, functioning Western society where it's fairly good access to food as long as you keep your job, you can pay your rent.

00:21:43.000 That's cush.

00:21:44.000 No.

00:21:45.000 It seems hard for most people, but in comparison to hunter-gatherer life in the fucking Serengeti, it's cush.

00:21:52.000 Yeah, dawg.

00:21:53.000 I remember my parents escaped from communist Hungary, right?

00:21:56.000 And so I grew up around hardcore Hungarian dudes, like dudes missing knuckles who were like carpenters.

00:22:05.000 And like real blue-collary old school.

00:22:08.000 And I'll never forget this, this guy.

00:22:10.000 One of my dad's friends was like, listen, Cristico, in America, this is the easiest place to live, okay?

00:22:17.000 Everything is cheap.

00:22:18.000 You rent some car, your clothing is cheap, eating is cheap compared to other countries.

00:22:24.000 This is easy living.

00:22:25.000 This is easy living.

00:22:26.000 People make it.

00:22:27.000 I'm like, yeah, I kind of, I get that.

00:22:29.000 And then you travel and you're like, dude, this is kind of good.

00:22:31.000 Yeah.

00:22:32.000 We got a decent system here, bro.

00:22:33.000 This is an expression that I say all the time, but I'm going to say it again.

00:22:36.000 The hardest thing that's ever happened to you is the hardest thing that's ever happened to you.

00:22:40.000 It doesn't matter if it's easy.

00:22:42.000 If it's a very small thing, like you can't get a table in a restaurant and you throw a hissy fit.

00:22:47.000 Because that's the hardest thing that's happened to you today.

00:22:49.000 Because your life is easy as fuck.

00:22:51.000 But if you're coming from a communist country, and that's one of the things that I always liked about you, is because your family did come from that hard...

00:22:57.000 You don't buy into any bullshit.

00:23:00.000 That's why, because you see where bullshit gets you.

00:23:02.000 Yeah.

00:23:02.000 Or all this fucking Marxism and socialism and colleges, you know where that gets you?

00:23:07.000 That gets you to a communist fucking ruling dictatorship where you're doomed and the government decides how many potatoes you get in a week.

00:23:14.000 Of course.

00:23:14.000 And look at all these assholes that want to tell you what you can and cannot say.

00:23:19.000 Yeah.

00:23:19.000 Go fuck your mother.

00:23:20.000 Don't tell me what I can and cannot say.

00:23:23.000 I think one of the greatest things is Elon Musk buying Twitter.

00:23:27.000 Amazing.

00:23:28.000 I love it.

00:23:28.000 Great.

00:23:29.000 Yeah, it's amazing.

00:23:30.000 Great.

00:23:30.000 Good.

00:23:31.000 Enough.

00:23:31.000 That's what we need.

00:23:32.000 Enough.

00:23:33.000 I mean, are we done being offended?

00:23:35.000 Are we done?

00:23:36.000 No.

00:23:36.000 There's nothing more to be offended by.

00:23:37.000 No, they're going to keep going.

00:23:38.000 They're going to keep pushing the boundary because that's what the culture war is.

00:23:42.000 The culture war is just like we were talking about, you know, people that just decide to be upset at something rather than focusing on themselves.

00:23:49.000 That's a lot of what the culture war is.

00:23:51.000 It's an externalization.

00:23:53.000 The inside this is it their mental patients and they're externalizing their shit onto the world It's like what what is this and we're giving this a voice?

00:24:03.000 But think about yourself when you were in high school or you were in college when you were a feminist College college, you know that those thoughts but those thoughts like they're valid thoughts like you you're saying this because you see so much of the outside life that you don't like you see so much of like Women are being disrespected just simply because they're female or they're not being taken seriously because they're female.

00:24:28.000 And you're like, fuck that.

00:24:29.000 We can fucking dominate men.

00:24:31.000 And you think of that because you're on team woman, because you're a woman.

00:24:33.000 It's like this normal sort of course of progression.

00:24:36.000 And then as life goes on, you're like, oh, it's not a male versus female thing.

00:24:39.000 It's an asshole thing.

00:24:40.000 There's assholes out there.

00:24:41.000 Everybody.

00:24:42.000 Yeah.

00:24:43.000 Some of them just happen to be male.

00:24:45.000 That's right.

00:24:45.000 And half this world is populated by males.

00:24:49.000 So I better learn to love my bros.

00:24:52.000 And I love men.

00:24:54.000 I love you guys.

00:24:56.000 You psychos.

00:24:57.000 Look at everything men have built.

00:24:58.000 Look at society.

00:25:00.000 Penicillin.

00:25:00.000 All this great stuff.

00:25:01.000 I think that was by accident.

00:25:02.000 That was by accident.

00:25:03.000 But you did it.

00:25:07.000 I love it!

00:25:08.000 I don't think you can say all men, though.

00:25:10.000 It's just like...

00:25:10.000 Not all men.

00:25:11.000 It's that energy.

00:25:13.000 Yes, creative energy.

00:25:14.000 The male energy.

00:25:15.000 It's a weird energy.

00:25:16.000 Because it's the energy that's responsible for the vast majority of inventions.

00:25:20.000 That's true.

00:25:21.000 It's a weird energy.

00:25:22.000 But then also...

00:25:22.000 But then the other side of that, as I become mother and blah, blah, blah, is to realize the power in that.

00:25:28.000 And I think the mistake of my thinking in the past is that that didn't have merit.

00:25:33.000 Right.

00:25:33.000 Because it's not out in the world.

00:25:34.000 And that's my failure as a...

00:25:36.000 I think that's culture's failure because it's not put in a category of like, you know, you could mark it on a ledger.

00:25:43.000 Like, look at all this money that comes in from being a mom.

00:25:47.000 You don't think about it that way.

00:25:48.000 Because it's not calculated by a, quote, male standard of achievement.

00:25:53.000 It's just money.

00:25:54.000 But the woman, yeah, it's just money.

00:25:56.000 Everything is money.

00:25:57.000 Follow the dollars and you'll see where the bullshit goes.

00:26:00.000 But the woman is the center of the home.

00:26:03.000 The woman is the center of the fucking universe.

00:26:04.000 Well, you literally create all the human beings that have ever existed.

00:26:08.000 All of them.

00:26:09.000 But in this stupid world where everybody's just concentrating on material possessions and advancing and keeping up with the Joneses, that doesn't seem like for a lot of men, my wife does bad money.

00:26:23.000 You know, like they get into this sort of mindset where they don't respect that this is a completely different relationship with human beings.

00:26:30.000 She's making them in her pussy.

00:26:32.000 Yeah, dog.

00:26:33.000 She's making them in there.

00:26:34.000 Well, she squeezes them out of the pussy.

00:26:35.000 Well, that's the door.

00:26:37.000 That's the door.

00:26:37.000 Go through the door.

00:26:38.000 It's in the mountain.

00:26:39.000 If there's a fucking door in the mountain, they're making them in the mountain.

00:26:41.000 She makes them in her mouth.

00:26:44.000 I don't know.

00:26:45.000 She makes them inside her uterus.

00:26:48.000 Christina, you don't even know.

00:26:49.000 You don't even fucking know what a womb is.

00:26:52.000 So stupid.

00:26:54.000 We have this goofy society that puts...

00:26:58.000 Look, here's what it is.

00:26:59.000 It's really simple.

00:27:00.000 Yeah, go ahead.

00:27:01.000 Break it down.

00:27:01.000 It's hard to acquire money, right?

00:27:04.000 It's hard to get wealthy.

00:27:05.000 So we think of money as being the most significant thing that a person does with their effort.

00:27:11.000 Yes.

00:27:12.000 But raising children is not just equally significant, but more significant.

00:27:17.000 Because if your kids are a nightmare, you lose money.

00:27:20.000 If your kids are a nightmare, your life is shit.

00:27:24.000 You don't have any happiness.

00:27:25.000 Because if you do a terrible job in raising your children, on the flip side of that, you're going to have all sorts of chaos in your life because of that.

00:27:31.000 There's no free ride.

00:27:33.000 If you ignore your kids, like look at Hunter Biden.

00:27:36.000 I know.

00:27:36.000 What do you think happened there?

00:27:37.000 I know.

00:27:37.000 Why is he doing crack and getting foot jobs?

00:27:39.000 I'll tell you why.

00:27:40.000 Because daddy wasn't around.

00:27:42.000 That's right.

00:27:42.000 Too busy being the fucking vice president and the senator from Delaware.

00:27:46.000 That son of a bitch.

00:27:48.000 He did a shit job working 16 hours a day.

00:27:50.000 Poor little hunters alone with a crack pipe and a fucking box of kiddie porn.

00:27:54.000 I know.

00:27:55.000 Well, someone told me a good saying.

00:27:56.000 I don't think kiddie porn.

00:27:57.000 Cut that out.

00:27:57.000 Yeah, cut that out.

00:27:58.000 Cut the kiddie porn out, Jamie.

00:28:00.000 Someone told me this great saying, pay now or pay later with children.

00:28:05.000 Mm-hmm.

00:28:05.000 You know, there's this great viral clip that Jordan Peterson has where he's like, you have little kids for four years.

00:28:11.000 For four years.

00:28:12.000 And then it's gone.

00:28:13.000 And I'm like, yeah, dog.

00:28:14.000 He's on it.

00:28:15.000 That's right.

00:28:16.000 Four years.

00:28:16.000 And I'm there.

00:28:17.000 Like, I'm fucking, I'm there.

00:28:18.000 And I like it.

00:28:19.000 And it changed me and it transformed me and it made me a better human being.

00:28:23.000 And let Tom go out.

00:28:25.000 And make the money, and I'll stay home.

00:28:27.000 Well, you're making money, too.

00:28:28.000 I am, but I'm on a smaller scale.

00:28:30.000 You guys have a great relationship in that you don't have any career conflicts, and you also have one career, very successful thing that you do together, your mom's house.

00:28:42.000 So because of that, it's such a cool gig.

00:28:44.000 It's such a great thing.

00:28:47.000 It's amazing that you guys have that together and it's so fun.

00:28:50.000 And then you also have your other stuff.

00:28:52.000 Like you have your touring and he has his touring and then you're raising children together and it's fucking great.

00:28:57.000 It's a great life.

00:28:58.000 You've got a great balance.

00:28:58.000 I'm so, so lucky.

00:29:00.000 And I wonder who suggested we do a podcast.

00:29:04.000 Look at that smile.

00:29:06.000 You know, we owe you.

00:29:08.000 You're the hero.

00:29:09.000 I think what you do is so important to so many people.

00:29:12.000 And I'm so lucky that you were in our lives and are in our lives.

00:29:18.000 Oh, it's my pleasure.

00:29:19.000 When I saw you, I was like, you guys 100% should be doing a podcast together.

00:29:23.000 This doesn't make any sense.

00:29:24.000 I go, you're hilarious together.

00:29:25.000 You're both hilarious comedians.

00:29:26.000 Like, why aren't you doing a podcast together?

00:29:28.000 And I remember Tom came home from that discussion.

00:29:31.000 He goes, Joe says we should have a podcast.

00:29:33.000 And I go, what's a podcast?

00:29:36.000 You really didn't know?

00:29:38.000 I fucking, what do I know?

00:29:39.000 I mean, you, but here's what's, and I tell people about, I tell people this about you.

00:29:44.000 The brilliance of you, amongst many things, you're a very diligent worker, you're a great comedian, you're fucking in it, like you're doing, but that you've also been an early adapter.

00:29:53.000 Is that the fucking term?

00:29:54.000 Yeah, adopter.

00:29:56.000 Adopter.

00:29:56.000 Yes.

00:29:57.000 Where you go, oh, there's a cell phone?

00:29:59.000 What's a cell phone?

00:30:00.000 And, you know, Joe Rogan buys the first cell phone that's like the brick.

00:30:04.000 And I heard this great story about you on the road where the guy goes, well, yeah, I needed a comic to fill in last minute.

00:30:11.000 And I go, oh, well, Joe Rogan has a phone, a cell phone that he carries around.

00:30:16.000 So I call Joe and then Joe can do the week.

00:30:18.000 You know what I mean?

00:30:19.000 That's Bill Blumenwright from the Comedy Works or from Comedy Connection in Boston.

00:30:24.000 There you go.

00:30:24.000 Yeah.

00:30:25.000 I had a cell phone in 1989. How big was it?

00:30:30.000 How heavy?

00:30:31.000 It was attached to my car.

00:30:32.000 It was in the middle between the two seats of my car.

00:30:36.000 Did you have to take it out every time you left?

00:30:38.000 No, no.

00:30:38.000 It stayed in the car.

00:30:39.000 I just had to lift it up.

00:30:41.000 God.

00:30:41.000 But it was cool.

00:30:42.000 I could make a phone call while I was driving.

00:30:44.000 That's rad.

00:30:45.000 Do you remember the fucking stereos that you had to pull out?

00:30:47.000 Oh, yeah.

00:30:48.000 I had one of those.

00:30:48.000 A Blaupunk.

00:30:50.000 Yeah.

00:30:51.000 You take it to the club with you?

00:30:52.000 Yeah, because you don't want to be stealing your stereo.

00:30:54.000 So it literally would slide out and slide back in.

00:30:56.000 I had one of those.

00:30:57.000 Of course.

00:30:58.000 Yeah.

00:30:59.000 What were we thinking?

00:30:59.000 Who cares?

00:31:00.000 Well, people broke into a lot of fucking cars back then, sold stereos.

00:31:04.000 Oh, I know.

00:31:05.000 Because I bought a stolen stereo before.

00:31:07.000 All you had to do was take the wires.

00:31:09.000 It wasn't hard.

00:31:10.000 I mean, I installed it myself.

00:31:12.000 You just go back there, you climb underneath it.

00:31:15.000 Get in the wires and pull them out and splice them together, duct tape around it.

00:31:19.000 You learn how to do this?

00:31:20.000 Yeah.

00:31:20.000 From who?

00:31:23.000 Probably school.

00:31:25.000 School?

00:31:26.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:31:27.000 We had an auto shop in school and I learned a lot about cars.

00:31:31.000 God, I wish I could remember his name.

00:31:34.000 Because he was a really interesting guy.

00:31:35.000 He was in love with Mustangs.

00:31:38.000 And he actually is the guy that really got me into Mustangs and old cars.

00:31:43.000 He had a passion for old cars.

00:31:46.000 And he had everybody work on his cars.

00:31:49.000 And he would show you how to fix a quarter panel.

00:31:52.000 It's calm.

00:31:54.000 Yeah, it was back in the day when you could do that kind of thing.

00:31:57.000 You know, I don't know what kind of work you could actually do in your car today because cars today are so complex.

00:32:03.000 They're all computers and there's, you know, so many, you know, there's navigation systems and there's fucking auto, you know, anti-lock breakings where it's braking like thousands of times a minute.

00:32:18.000 Back then it was like real clear, like the rotors are down, let's change the rotors.

00:32:22.000 We got this, we need to, you know, this radiator's no good, let's get another radiator.

00:32:25.000 We would go to a junkyard, get parts, he would do that.

00:32:29.000 And he would bring them back and we would work on cars.

00:32:32.000 It was like one of our, it was also a thing where just because of human nature, it was an all guys class.

00:32:39.000 Yeah.

00:32:40.000 It wasn't that girls weren't allowed to do it, they'd never signed up for it.

00:32:43.000 You guys are excluding us.

00:32:44.000 No, they could totally go.

00:32:45.000 You're excluding us from the narrative.

00:32:46.000 Yeah, but I wanted to learn it.

00:32:48.000 My dad was a forklift mechanic, and I would beg him, I want to learn how to fix a forklift.

00:32:53.000 And he's like, no, women don't do this.

00:32:55.000 You don't want to do this.

00:32:56.000 It's disgusting.

00:32:57.000 I'm like, oh, I wish I could.

00:32:58.000 Like, to change the oil on your car?

00:32:59.000 Yeah.

00:33:00.000 I would like to know how these things work.

00:33:02.000 I think it's fascinating.

00:33:03.000 I used to do all that shit.

00:33:05.000 You could change the oil in your own car.

00:33:06.000 Oh, yeah.

00:33:07.000 Yeah, for sure.

00:33:08.000 Yeah, that's one of the things that I really like about muscle cars.

00:33:13.000 Well, not anymore, honestly.

00:33:15.000 Because now the muscle cars that I get, they're all what's called a resto mod.

00:33:20.000 So they'll take an old car, but they'll put new brakes in it, new suspension, new engines.

00:33:27.000 They handle better, you know, new steering components.

00:33:31.000 They're much more safe and much more manageable in terms of day-to-day use, but they look and feel and sound just like an old car, which is what I love.

00:33:41.000 You're so funny.

00:33:42.000 You and my husband.

00:33:43.000 My husband loves the vroom vrooms.

00:33:46.000 I love that he loves the vroom vrooms because he and I are like the ones like, like if I buy something, I send it to him.

00:33:52.000 Like, look at a car.

00:33:53.000 You guys with your, you get your schmeckles hard looking at pictures of, that's why I say I'm like, Tom can't get a new wife but he can get a new car.

00:34:00.000 And he loves, he doesn't scroll like chicks, he scrolls cars.

00:34:05.000 No, he loves cars.

00:34:06.000 Loves.

00:34:06.000 And the louder, he's like, oh, listen to this.

00:34:09.000 It goes so loud.

00:34:10.000 He's like, put it on this mode when you drive it.

00:34:11.000 I'm like, all right, dude.

00:34:12.000 If it doesn't make my schmeckle hard, it's not for me.

00:34:14.000 When I met him, he was like 15 years ago, like 2007-ish, I think it was.

00:34:19.000 And he was broke.

00:34:20.000 And now he's balling out of control.

00:34:23.000 It's so fun to watch, to see him.

00:34:26.000 He's like, dude, I just got the GT3 Tour.

00:34:28.000 Oh my God.

00:34:30.000 This is crazy.

00:34:32.000 I know.

00:34:33.000 He's balling.

00:34:33.000 Let me tell you about my husband, though.

00:34:36.000 He's so...

00:34:36.000 He's brilliant with business, and he's a brilliant comedian.

00:34:40.000 And I think you are...

00:34:41.000 It's a rare combination.

00:34:42.000 Yes, and I think...

00:34:44.000 And, like, his memory is amazing.

00:34:47.000 Like, we were watching this awful show about John Gacy.

00:34:51.000 I don't like murder things, but he's like, babe, it's great, watch it.

00:34:54.000 And I fell asleep, and he goes, let me catch you up on what happened.

00:34:57.000 And his ability to recall facts, like, and then he dressed up as a clown, and then they sat on his lap, and I was like...

00:35:04.000 Who are you?

00:35:05.000 Like, his mind is so able to—you can ask Tommy, hey, what was it like 2015, we did this thing?

00:35:13.000 And he goes, yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:35:13.000 Well, you sat here, and then—like, his recall ability.

00:35:17.000 It's amazing.

00:35:18.000 I don't have that.

00:35:19.000 I don't even know what I fucking ate this morning.

00:35:21.000 But don't you have mommy brain, though, a little bit?

00:35:23.000 Oh, I'm fucking done.

00:35:24.000 I'm cooked.

00:35:25.000 But mommy brain is just a lack of sleep.

00:35:27.000 Yeah.

00:35:27.000 And a lot going on.

00:35:28.000 And you have these two humans that you have to take care of more than anything.

00:35:32.000 I know.

00:35:32.000 That's mommy brain.

00:35:33.000 They're my priority, so I don't have this.

00:35:36.000 And he's always like, you don't remember I told you that?

00:35:38.000 I'm like, dude, I don't know.

00:35:39.000 Like, I gotta remember that fucking Friday is snack day at school and we had a pack.

00:35:43.000 You know, I'm not there.

00:35:44.000 Yeah, I have a good memory instead, but only on things that I'm interested in.

00:35:49.000 My wife will tell me stuff and I'm like, I don't remember talking about that.

00:35:52.000 She's like, I told you yesterday.

00:35:53.000 I'm like, you must have been boring the shit out of me.

00:35:55.000 I don't remember what the fuck.

00:35:58.000 I have the ability to go into like background mode.

00:36:03.000 Me too.

00:36:04.000 You just become static.

00:36:06.000 Can you talk like that with her?

00:36:09.000 Can you guys be like, I don't fucking know.

00:36:11.000 Oh yeah.

00:36:13.000 That's the only way it works.

00:36:15.000 Same.

00:36:16.000 It's the only way it would work.

00:36:17.000 I have to talk to her like I'm talking to you right now.

00:36:21.000 It's just gotta be me and her.

00:36:23.000 Or could you imagine being with someone that you have to censor yourself in front of?

00:36:27.000 That's a lot of people.

00:36:28.000 It's a lot of people.

00:36:29.000 There's a lot of people that live like that.

00:36:30.000 I know.

00:36:31.000 I'm so thankful I can just say crazy shit to Tommy.

00:36:33.000 Well, because they haven't found the right person, instead they found a person and they've got the person to act like the right person.

00:36:40.000 And that's not good.

00:36:41.000 That's not good for anybody.

00:36:42.000 That's terrifying.

00:36:43.000 No, because you're always trying to meld that person and conform that person to your idea of what a person should be.

00:36:49.000 And they're always trying to conform to your idea and pretend.

00:36:52.000 As soon as they get away from you, they can't wait to hit the pipe.

00:36:55.000 They're smoking crack and going crazy.

00:37:00.000 They're out there wilding.

00:37:01.000 They're wilding, bro!

00:37:02.000 Smoking rocks!

00:37:03.000 I heard that crack is not as fun as you think it is.

00:37:06.000 Have you tried it?

00:37:06.000 I have not tried coke or crack.

00:37:08.000 Yeah, I'm not into stimulants.

00:37:09.000 I'm into downers.

00:37:10.000 I like to get low.

00:37:12.000 I'm afraid I'd like it.

00:37:13.000 Me too.

00:37:14.000 Yeah.

00:37:15.000 But let me tell you, so we knew this guy that smoked a lot of crack, and he's like, yeah, I get it.

00:37:18.000 I go, what do you do when you smoke crack?

00:37:21.000 And he's like, I look through the peephole.

00:37:24.000 I'm like, that sounds fucking terrible, bro.

00:37:26.000 Imagine if that's like the favorite thing of the day.

00:37:29.000 What's your favorite part of the day?

00:37:30.000 Peoples.

00:37:31.000 I was looking through that little fucking distorted fisheye lens of the hallway.

00:37:35.000 See who's walking down my fucking hallway.

00:37:37.000 Amazon?

00:37:38.000 Oh my god.

00:37:38.000 Yeah, what a nightmare.

00:37:40.000 Yeah.

00:37:41.000 Fuck that, dude.

00:37:41.000 Well, also, there's enough videos online of people knocking on people's doors and trying to break in that freak out.

00:37:50.000 I know.

00:37:51.000 Wait, but speaking about...

00:37:52.000 I mean, I don't know if we should talk about this.

00:37:54.000 Talk about it.

00:37:55.000 You may want to edit it out.

00:37:56.000 Okay.

00:37:56.000 But the whole Jada-Will thing...

00:37:59.000 Tom and I were obsessed about that.

00:38:02.000 I'm obsessed.

00:38:02.000 Right?

00:38:03.000 Mm-hmm.

00:38:04.000 Like, yo, she straight humiliates him.

00:38:07.000 I watch Red Table Talk.

00:38:10.000 I love it.

00:38:12.000 It's bizarre.

00:38:13.000 It's like, you're not famous enough.

00:38:15.000 You need to talk about your family stuff.

00:38:19.000 I think at this point in her life, that is all she's got in terms of like her connection to a lot of attention.

00:38:26.000 She's not in big projects.

00:38:28.000 You know, I mean, was she in The Matrix?

00:38:30.000 She was in The Matrix, right?

00:38:31.000 Did she have a big role?

00:38:33.000 Oh, yeah, I saw that.

00:38:34.000 Did you see that last one?

00:38:35.000 No.

00:38:35.000 I'm a huge fan of the series.

00:38:38.000 I didn't see the new one.

00:38:40.000 I heard too many bad things about it, except for Jamie.

00:38:42.000 Jamie liked it.

00:38:42.000 It was okay.

00:38:43.000 But even admits his own opinion suspect because he loves The Matrix.

00:38:47.000 He admitted that.

00:38:48.000 I love that about Jamie.

00:38:49.000 I go, was it good?

00:38:49.000 He goes, yeah, but you know what?

00:38:50.000 I wanted it to be good because I really liked the Matrix.

00:38:52.000 Sames.

00:38:54.000 Sames.

00:38:55.000 But sorry, what were you going to say?

00:38:56.000 Yeah, it's an attention thing, right?

00:38:58.000 Yes.

00:38:59.000 It's also you used to have a pretty decent career and you really don't anymore.

00:39:07.000 And then you got to fill that lack of engagement with something else.

00:39:13.000 So you do this thing where you start talking about your family or you do a reality show.

00:39:16.000 One of the things that people do, it's like the last gasp of the dying celebrity presence.

00:39:24.000 Dancing with the stars.

00:39:25.000 Yeah, you do one of those.

00:39:27.000 But the reality show is the scary one because you let people into your family and then you're like, nah.

00:39:33.000 Play acting around your wife and your kids and your friend who comes over to play fucking pickleball with you and is like trying to make a thing out of a gamble that you have on pickleball.

00:39:43.000 And if you've ever been a part of one of those reality shows, they did one at the store for a while.

00:39:47.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:39:48.000 Keeping up with the store, minding the store.

00:39:49.000 That's it.

00:39:50.000 Keeping up with the Kardashians.

00:39:51.000 Keeping up with the Stardashians.

00:39:53.000 Yeah, but they had like these scenarios all planned out like we're gonna go to get something to lunch We're gonna go to get Mexican food, but the wait's too long We go to here and then we're gonna eventually settle on Chinese But Polly's gonna say Chinese first and then it's gonna go through all these different things until we eventually decide on Chinese It's like like what are you doing?

00:40:12.000 But they they had to treat it like they would most of these people that produce these shows and I've worked on them before and They produce it the same way they would produce fiction.

00:40:20.000 Like we'd like to have an outcome that we can control.

00:40:24.000 So what's the outcome?

00:40:25.000 The outcome is you go out all this and you guys are going to argue about you went to this place and the gas is too expensive.

00:40:31.000 But yeah, and I was on road rules in the 90s back when it was like...

00:40:36.000 Back with Theo Vaughn.

00:40:37.000 Back in the day.

00:40:38.000 Yeah, he was a season...

00:40:40.000 Let's get fucking faded, bro.

00:40:41.000 Let's party.

00:40:43.000 I'm just happy to be out of my house.

00:40:45.000 Let's drink.

00:40:46.000 Let's drink.

00:40:50.000 You want a cigar?

00:40:51.000 I don't do that.

00:40:52.000 I don't even know how.

00:40:53.000 Okay, I'll put it in my mouth.

00:40:54.000 You like the flavors, right?

00:40:56.000 Yeah.

00:40:56.000 Do you want some more of this, mommy?

00:40:57.000 Sure.

00:40:58.000 Thank you.

00:40:59.000 I love how everyone's mommy with you.

00:41:00.000 I know.

00:41:01.000 Mommy and jeans.

00:41:02.000 People don't know that.

00:41:03.000 They're like, what the fuck is she saying?

00:41:05.000 Well, here's the best part.

00:41:06.000 I call waiters mommy jeans.

00:41:07.000 I call everybody mommy.

00:41:09.000 Nobody's pushed back.

00:41:10.000 Nobody.

00:41:11.000 And I've done it for five years.

00:41:12.000 I'll be like, yeah, I'll take the appetizer.

00:41:15.000 Thanks, mommy.

00:41:15.000 Ah!

00:41:17.000 Try it.

00:41:18.000 Nobody pushes back.

00:41:19.000 It's the best game.

00:41:20.000 That's hilarious.

00:41:21.000 Start doing it with your life.

00:41:23.000 What was he talking about?

00:41:24.000 You were talking about getting a cigar.

00:41:26.000 Oh, reality shows.

00:41:27.000 Shut up.

00:41:28.000 You're not.

00:41:29.000 Oh, Jesus, Joe.

00:41:31.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:41:31.000 Get a puff on that sucker.

00:41:33.000 What the fuck?

00:41:33.000 How do I do this?

00:41:34.000 Just puff it.

00:41:34.000 Like a cigarette.

00:41:37.000 There you go.

00:41:38.000 Wait a minute.

00:41:38.000 We need more.

00:41:39.000 Gotta get it lit more.

00:41:39.000 I'm scared.

00:41:40.000 No, no, no.

00:41:40.000 You're fine.

00:41:42.000 A little more.

00:41:45.000 There we go.

00:41:45.000 But I don't inhale it, right?

00:41:47.000 No, no.

00:41:47.000 You just do a Flavs.

00:41:49.000 Yeah.

00:41:49.000 Just get in there.

00:41:52.000 Tommy loves these.

00:41:58.000 Who was it?

00:41:59.000 Tommy and Bert.

00:42:00.000 Oh, I kind of like it.

00:42:01.000 Not bad, right?

00:42:02.000 Get it like this.

00:42:02.000 Yeah?

00:42:06.000 Yeah, get a little in your mouth.

00:42:07.000 How many memes is this going to make right now?

00:42:08.000 It's going to get you excited.

00:42:10.000 How many memes?

00:42:11.000 A lot.

00:42:11.000 Me sucking on a big brown dick.

00:42:13.000 I do it every day.

00:42:16.000 Just give in.

00:42:17.000 Sucking on a big brown cock.

00:42:18.000 Just give in.

00:42:19.000 I feel like Joey Diaz.

00:42:20.000 Just give in.

00:42:20.000 Do I hold it like a cigarette?

00:42:22.000 I do.

00:42:23.000 I hold it like that.

00:42:23.000 Fuck.

00:42:23.000 I guess I hold it like a cigar more than a cigarette.

00:42:26.000 Show me.

00:42:27.000 Like that?

00:42:28.000 Yeah.

00:42:29.000 Like I'm making a deal.

00:42:30.000 Hey.

00:42:30.000 Over here.

00:42:32.000 The pimento's gonna have this block.

00:42:35.000 Yeah.

00:42:35.000 This is the delineation line for the families.

00:42:40.000 Isn't it glamorous to be in the mob?

00:42:43.000 Until they kill your family, yeah.

00:42:47.000 Any kind of crime is great when it's going great.

00:42:49.000 Look at you.

00:42:50.000 I'm doing it.

00:42:51.000 Yeah.

00:42:52.000 All of a sudden, you're a cigar broad.

00:42:53.000 I can see it.

00:42:53.000 I kind of like it.

00:42:54.000 I like it, too.

00:42:54.000 Oh, yeah.

00:42:55.000 I think I have a lot of...

00:42:56.000 I like stuff guys like, but I'm now embracing my feminine side.

00:43:01.000 But inside, I'm like a nine-year-old boy.

00:43:04.000 I think that's why your mom's house is fun, because it's just farts and stuff.

00:43:08.000 Well, it's chaos, too.

00:43:09.000 Like, the live one that I did with you guys.

00:43:11.000 I was like, Jesus Christ.

00:43:13.000 That was the best.

00:43:14.000 When you watch those videos, like, it's a brilliant idea, by the way.

00:43:17.000 What you guys did by coming up with this show where, and having watched them and be a part of them, been a part of them, there is not a fucking chance in hell you could do that in any other format.

00:43:29.000 No, it's okay.

00:43:29.000 They're so over the top.

00:43:32.000 The videos are so fucked up.

00:43:34.000 Some of the things these people are doing to their own bodies are so fucked up.

00:43:38.000 And you're watching guys eat bowls of shit, like actual bowls, like digging with their hands and eating their own shit.

00:43:46.000 Like, what the fuck, man?

00:43:48.000 But that's what I love.

00:43:50.000 I've always loved The Outliers.

00:43:51.000 And it started with Gigi Allen.

00:43:53.000 I don't know if you've ever seen that documentary that Todd Phillips did on Gigi Allen.

00:43:56.000 I did not see the documentary, but I'm aware of him.

00:43:59.000 Yeah, I love Freakos.

00:44:00.000 I love that whole thing.

00:44:02.000 And it just makes me excited.

00:44:04.000 It gives me joy.

00:44:05.000 And I'm so blessed that we have podcasting now that I can do a whole show on that.

00:44:10.000 I don't have to take notes from a fucking executive.

00:44:12.000 I don't have to sell General Electric advertising.

00:44:15.000 They would never let you guys be what you are.

00:44:17.000 Never.

00:44:17.000 There is not a chance in hell.

00:44:19.000 If you guys had bosses and you were on some sort of a network that controlled what was aired, and then you told them the story about the idea for the pay-per-view shows, we're going to do something that's literally illegal.

00:44:34.000 There's a guy that's going to staple his balls.

00:44:36.000 There's going to be a nail in his cock.

00:44:38.000 I know.

00:44:38.000 I mean, it's everything awful.

00:44:41.000 I know.

00:44:41.000 There's so many awful videos.

00:44:42.000 And it's like, watching them with you guys is so much fun.

00:44:46.000 And it's super popular.

00:44:48.000 Like, when you guys put those up, and Tommy was telling me how many people download them, I'm like, whoa!

00:44:53.000 And he's like, but yeah, we have a whole organization.

00:44:55.000 We hired producers.

00:44:57.000 Oh, yeah.

00:44:57.000 It's like a real production.

00:45:00.000 We put so much money into that.

00:45:02.000 When I went to the live one I did with you guys, I'm like, holy shit.

00:45:05.000 This is so impressive.

00:45:07.000 You should see the new studio.

00:45:09.000 It cost us like 10 million dollars.

00:45:10.000 It's crazy.

00:45:13.000 Still not done.

00:45:14.000 But it's still fun.

00:45:15.000 And you know what?

00:45:16.000 When I did reality shows in the 90s, after I did Road Rules, I was like, gosh, wouldn't it be great to just make a living being myself?

00:45:24.000 And then I got into acting after, and I hated it.

00:45:26.000 I hated going on these auditions and I had to say stupid things.

00:45:29.000 Yeah.

00:45:30.000 And then came podcasting, and I was like, oh, I get rewarded for being a degenerate?

00:45:34.000 This is great!

00:45:35.000 You're not even just being a degenerate, you're just being fun.

00:45:37.000 Yeah, just having fun, because life should be fun.

00:45:39.000 Degenerate is a person who loses all their income to a craps game.

00:45:44.000 You can't help but bet on the horses.

00:45:47.000 I knew a lot of degenerates.

00:45:48.000 Oh, yeah.

00:45:49.000 You come from a hardcore background, yeah?

00:45:53.000 Like Boston?

00:45:54.000 Well, I grew up in all over the place.

00:45:57.000 But when I went to high school, I was in this nice area in Boston.

00:46:02.000 I was in a really shit area in Boston when I was 13. We lived in Jamaica Plains.

00:46:07.000 It was very sketchy.

00:46:08.000 But thankfully, my parents realized it was sketchy.

00:46:10.000 They'd come there from Florida, like, this neighborhood's dangerous, and they got us out of there.

00:46:13.000 And they moved us to this place called Newton.

00:46:16.000 And Newton is a nice suburb of Boston.

00:46:18.000 We lived in the blue-collar section of Newton.

00:46:20.000 It's like Newton Upper Falls.

00:46:21.000 We had, like, the shittiest house in the neighborhood, and we were poor as fuck.

00:46:24.000 It was a nice place to grow up.

00:46:27.000 It was nice families.

00:46:28.000 It was good.

00:46:29.000 But then I was always involved in either fighting.

00:46:33.000 I was either involved in martial arts or stand-up comedy.

00:46:36.000 So from 15 on, it was all either martial arts, which is a bunch of psychos, or stand-up comedy, which is a bunch of psychos on drugs.

00:46:45.000 Love it!

00:46:46.000 So it's like I've never had, there was never a time where I was like in some normal path to, you know, having a white picket fence and living in the suburbs and getting to work every morning, same time as everybody else and having office meetings.

00:47:01.000 Like, no, it was always weirdos.

00:47:03.000 I was always around weirdos.

00:47:05.000 Thank God.

00:47:05.000 I love weirdos, thank God.

00:47:06.000 And like, I love comedians.

00:47:08.000 Like, I fucking love them.

00:47:10.000 I finally got to go to the Comedy Store when I was in LA last week, and it was like, oh my god, I'm home.

00:47:16.000 But there's so many things missing now, you know, like Jeff Scott is gone, which broke my heart.

00:47:23.000 It's definitely not the same, but it's still the best.

00:47:26.000 I loved it.

00:47:27.000 I was back there last month.

00:47:29.000 I did a weekend.

00:47:30.000 I did a Friday and Saturday.

00:47:32.000 It was awesome.

00:47:32.000 It was really fun.

00:47:33.000 It was really fun.

00:47:34.000 And you know what I love right now?

00:47:36.000 Is that comedians are starting to get bold.

00:47:40.000 We are now starting to be like, fuck you!

00:47:44.000 Like, let's do, we're doing jokes again.

00:47:47.000 And I'm seeing a lot of dudes doing like, oh, like even this special tonight, just released, Mom Jeans, shameless plug, yes.

00:47:56.000 So the LA Times did an article on it and she was like, whoa, you went hard.

00:48:02.000 And I was like, yeah.

00:48:03.000 And she's like, is there anything that didn't make it?

00:48:05.000 And I was like, yeah.

00:48:06.000 I had to cut stuff out and it's going in the next hour.

00:48:10.000 Because I'm done.

00:48:12.000 I think we're done.

00:48:14.000 With, you know, censorship and that kind of stuff.

00:48:17.000 Well, there's a lot of complaining people that wouldn't have liked you in the first place.

00:48:20.000 No shit.

00:48:20.000 And you can't let them decide what you're going to do and not do on stage.

00:48:23.000 Look at me smoking my cigar and I agree.

00:48:24.000 Yeah, look at you.

00:48:25.000 You're smoking like you're a rebel.

00:48:27.000 Yeah, you fucking bitch.

00:48:28.000 Yeah.

00:48:29.000 Yeah, rebel.

00:48:30.000 There's a lot of people that fall into patterns of thinking and they want to control other people's patterns of thinking as well.

00:48:37.000 Yeah.

00:48:37.000 They fall into patterns of thinking and they'd like you all to align with their pattern of thinking.

00:48:42.000 And if you don't, then what?

00:48:44.000 Then I'm going to force you.

00:48:45.000 Yeah, whether it's conservative or whether it's liberal and progressive, it's like people, there's a lot of people out there that have good intentions, but then there's also a lot of people out there that just are, there's a predictable pattern of human behavior.

00:48:56.000 And that pattern of human behavior is they like to tell other people what to do.

00:49:00.000 And part of their fun is getting other people to comply and getting other people in trouble, getting other people fired.

00:49:07.000 Fucking tattletales, bro.

00:49:09.000 But it's a natural pattern of weak-minded human behavior from people that are generally not good at things.

00:49:17.000 That's what it is.

00:49:19.000 The people that are doing that, the people that are always wanting to tell people what to do or always wanting to get people in trouble, they're never good at anything.

00:49:29.000 That's what they're good at.

00:49:30.000 But that's what they're good at.

00:49:31.000 Being fucking tattletales.

00:49:33.000 Because that's what they're concentrating on.

00:49:34.000 If they were concentrating on other things, they'd be good at that.

00:49:36.000 True.

00:49:37.000 Like anything.

00:49:38.000 A skill.

00:49:38.000 It's just an unhealthy pursuit.

00:49:41.000 If you're always around sick people, you're going to be sick too.

00:49:45.000 True dat.

00:49:46.000 You're going to get sick.

00:49:47.000 That's so true.

00:49:48.000 Yeah.

00:49:48.000 Our complainers are losers.

00:49:49.000 You hang out with losers, you become a loser.

00:49:51.000 It's not even just a complainer.

00:49:52.000 It's a focusing on other people and trying to chip away at them or crack them down or get them to comply or get them to fall in line or get them to follow orders.

00:50:02.000 There was a lot of that going on during the pandemic.

00:50:04.000 People yelling at people to put a mask on.

00:50:06.000 They're across the street.

00:50:07.000 Like, what are you doing?

00:50:08.000 Bro, that was wild.

00:50:09.000 So, like, I went to San Francisco and there's still people wearing N95s in the street, like, walking out in the fresh air.

00:50:17.000 Like, what are you doing?

00:50:18.000 They're broken.

00:50:19.000 Yeah, it's okay.

00:50:20.000 You're not gonna...

00:50:21.000 And also, too, the signs of, like, stop hate, only love or whatever.

00:50:26.000 And you're like, you're gonna...

00:50:27.000 San Francisco doesn't need this sign.

00:50:29.000 Put this sign in like Shreveport, Louisiana or Birmingham.

00:50:33.000 What is this?

00:50:34.000 Do you know what I'm saying?

00:50:35.000 This is the city where it's the most accepting.

00:50:38.000 What is this propaganda?

00:50:39.000 We get it.

00:50:40.000 We're here.

00:50:41.000 It's just virtue signaling.

00:50:42.000 It is.

00:50:42.000 It's bullshit.

00:50:43.000 I'm over it.

00:50:45.000 Yeah, hold on.

00:50:46.000 I gotta smoke.

00:50:46.000 Get in there.

00:50:48.000 That's your first cigar, right?

00:50:50.000 This is your first legitimate cigar.

00:50:52.000 That's the other thing men like.

00:50:53.000 A real lighter.

00:50:54.000 A real lighter.

00:50:55.000 A crack torch.

00:50:56.000 A real fucking lighter.

00:50:57.000 Like a goddamn man.

00:50:59.000 But, you know, you can only spend so much time thinking about that and spend time thinking about what people like.

00:51:05.000 And what people like is comedy.

00:51:06.000 100%.

00:51:07.000 They like regular stand-up comedy.

00:51:09.000 They like going for the jokes.

00:51:10.000 Going for it.

00:51:10.000 Getting big laughs.

00:51:11.000 Going for it.

00:51:13.000 You're not going to pretend that everything you say is what you actually fucking mean.

00:51:16.000 That's not what comedy is, stupid.

00:51:18.000 Yeah, you dummy.

00:51:18.000 Why are you pretending?

00:51:19.000 Yeah, you dummy.

00:51:20.000 This isn't a fucking TED Talk.

00:51:23.000 Exactly.

00:51:23.000 It is a fucking comedy show.

00:51:26.000 Relax.

00:51:26.000 Everyone needs to shut the fuck up.

00:51:27.000 Also, it's what I like.

00:51:29.000 Me too.

00:51:29.000 I like watching it.

00:51:30.000 My wife said you were fucking hilarious.

00:51:32.000 Oh, I love her.

00:51:32.000 I wish I had gone out that night.

00:51:33.000 I was coming back that day.

00:51:35.000 I didn't know that I'd be back in time.

00:51:36.000 No worries.

00:51:37.000 But I did get to see Whitney at the Paramount, too.

00:51:40.000 Oh, I love her.

00:51:41.000 She's amazing.

00:51:42.000 She's better than I've ever seen her.

00:51:44.000 She's on fire.

00:51:45.000 Good.

00:51:45.000 It was really good shit.

00:51:46.000 We were laughing fucking hard.

00:51:48.000 Oh.

00:51:49.000 It was really good.

00:51:50.000 It was really loose.

00:51:51.000 Like, she's just so comfortable now.

00:51:53.000 You know, sometimes comics, they hit like a stride.

00:51:56.000 Like, there's something happens to...

00:51:57.000 I remember running to Sebastian once, when Sebastian hit his stride.

00:52:02.000 I was like, damn, dude.

00:52:03.000 Like, you just figured something out, man.

00:52:06.000 Whatever you did, fucking kudos, because you got a stride now.

00:52:09.000 And it clicks.

00:52:10.000 All the pieces come in.

00:52:12.000 Whitney's always been really good, but right now she's in a stride.

00:52:15.000 I gotta see her, man.

00:52:17.000 And it's good stuff, too.

00:52:18.000 What is she talking about?

00:52:19.000 Oh, I don't want to fuck up her bits, but like pertinent, you know, issues of the day, life, you know, there's a lot.

00:52:27.000 It's good.

00:52:28.000 Good.

00:52:28.000 It's solid writing.

00:52:30.000 It's really good shit, but it was really funny.

00:52:33.000 She's just funny.

00:52:34.000 She's having fun.

00:52:35.000 Good.

00:52:35.000 You know, like when a comic like catches that wave, you know, they just start having fun.

00:52:41.000 I miss fun.

00:52:42.000 Oh, it's the best.

00:52:43.000 Don't you miss fun?

00:52:44.000 Yeah.

00:52:45.000 Well, that was one of the best things about the store is that we would all be having fun with each other.

00:52:49.000 I know.

00:52:49.000 And then we'd all be laughing in the back of the room and having fun.

00:52:53.000 I know.

00:52:53.000 Well, so this hour that's out now, I... I was like, fuck it, I'm having fun.

00:52:59.000 And I did it in New York City, and it was like the height of COVID. And anyway, it felt sad.

00:53:04.000 The city felt sad.

00:53:05.000 Did the people have to wear masks in the audience?

00:53:07.000 Yeah, it was so lame.

00:53:09.000 And they all got fucking tested.

00:53:10.000 And then they tested me every two minutes before.

00:53:12.000 I was like, bro, it's fine.

00:53:13.000 Even if I am positive, I'm still going to shoot this thing.

00:53:15.000 This is so much money going into this and people.

00:53:18.000 You think I'm going to fucking not do this?

00:53:20.000 Anyway.

00:53:21.000 I bought the audience shots before I performed on both shows.

00:53:27.000 Anyway, so I bought this outfit.

00:53:29.000 Shots of booze?

00:53:30.000 Yeah, tequila.

00:53:31.000 It's getting fucking faded, bro.

00:53:34.000 How many people are in the audience?

00:53:36.000 That was the Gramercy Theater.

00:53:38.000 I bought the entire theater shots for the first and the second.

00:53:40.000 That's like thousands of shots.

00:53:41.000 I don't give a shit.

00:53:42.000 Wait until you see the next part I did.

00:53:44.000 Because everybody was all bummed out on the night before.

00:53:47.000 And I was like, I'm not going to have you guys all bummed out.

00:53:49.000 Why were they bummed out?

00:53:50.000 Because it's two years of repression.

00:53:53.000 And everyone had Omicron.

00:53:55.000 Everybody was sick or depressed.

00:53:58.000 So I bought them all shots and then my stylist invoiced Netflix for the outfit that I wore.

00:54:05.000 And they go, we've never spent this much money on an outfit.

00:54:10.000 And I was like, what?

00:54:11.000 Hey, how you like me now, bitch?

00:54:12.000 So that's a Dolce& Gabbana suit.

00:54:14.000 And then I had crystals put on it.

00:54:17.000 Dude, if I saw that picture, I would not know that's you.

00:54:20.000 I know.

00:54:20.000 Isn't that great?

00:54:21.000 What did they do?

00:54:21.000 Hair and makeup.

00:54:22.000 I have a team of five Latin gay guys that made me look amazing.

00:54:26.000 That's so crazy.

00:54:27.000 Isn't that fun?

00:54:28.000 Like, I never see you dress like that.

00:54:30.000 No.

00:54:31.000 Like, that picture, I could tell it's you, right there.

00:54:33.000 That, I can tell it's you.

00:54:34.000 And that one there where you got the microphone, the two hands, yeah.

00:54:36.000 That, I can tell it's you.

00:54:37.000 But that other one, they picked one where it was like a very odd facial expression.

00:54:41.000 Almost didn't look like you.

00:54:43.000 That's the beauty of Netflix though, right?

00:54:45.000 You see yourself and you're like, is that even me?

00:54:46.000 They made me look like I was 32 years old.

00:54:48.000 It's like, what are you doing here?

00:54:50.000 I'm 28 here.

00:54:51.000 Yeah, what are you doing here?

00:54:52.000 I like the ring, that big pink ring.

00:54:54.000 Isn't that fun?

00:54:54.000 Jesus Christ.

00:54:55.000 But I wanted fun and I wanted to be silly and I don't give a shit anymore because we're all going to die and who fucking cares, right?

00:55:01.000 My wife said you had one of the best sets she's ever seen.

00:55:04.000 Oh.

00:55:04.000 She loved it.

00:55:05.000 I appreciate that.

00:55:06.000 She said it was so funny.

00:55:07.000 I love her.

00:55:07.000 She came back, she was ranting and raving when she came home.

00:55:11.000 I'm a huge fan of her.

00:55:13.000 She's the greatest.

00:55:14.000 It's so nice that you're out here.

00:55:16.000 I'm so glad you guys came out here.

00:55:18.000 Me too.

00:55:19.000 When you guys started coming out here, and then when Tony came out here, and Tim Dillon came out here, and a few other guys like Derek Poston, I was like, wow, I think we can fucking do something here.

00:55:31.000 And Ron White was here, and Roseanne just did Vulcan the other night.

00:55:34.000 Tell me about Roseanne.

00:55:35.000 First, she killed, and she goes into the green room immediately.

00:55:38.000 She goes, I'm fucking moving here!

00:55:41.000 Of course!

00:55:42.000 She went on stage.

00:55:44.000 She hadn't been on stage in years since all the controversy with her show, which was years ago.

00:55:51.000 She walked on stage and just killed.

00:55:54.000 She killed for ten solid minutes.

00:55:56.000 God, she's so funny.

00:55:56.000 I mean killed.

00:55:57.000 The timing, you would never believe she hadn't been on stage.

00:55:59.000 You would never believe it.

00:56:00.000 She was fucking hilarious.

00:56:03.000 She's the greatest.

00:56:04.000 And she goes, well, I had some things I wanted to talk about, but I want to fucking do that again.

00:56:10.000 And she was all fired up.

00:56:12.000 It was really fun.

00:56:13.000 It was really interesting because it was interesting to watch all of her excitement come alive, you know, and then go on the stage.

00:56:21.000 And when she went up there, they went ape shit.

00:56:24.000 Oh, I bet.

00:56:24.000 They went ape shit.

00:56:25.000 They went ape shit.

00:56:27.000 It was wild.

00:56:28.000 And then she killed.

00:56:29.000 She killed for 10 minutes.

00:56:30.000 That's her right there.

00:56:31.000 I love her so much.

00:56:32.000 That's her right there.

00:56:34.000 She's, in my opinion, one of the most important figures in the history of stand-up comedy.

00:56:40.000 For sure.

00:56:40.000 Because she was the first woman who killed like a man.

00:56:44.000 Oh, yeah.

00:56:45.000 She killed like she was aggressive.

00:56:47.000 There was nothing demure and feminine about it.

00:56:51.000 She hit punchlines.

00:56:52.000 She grabbed her own pussy when she sang the Star Spangled Banner.

00:56:56.000 People don't remember that.

00:56:58.000 Some people think I'm too feminine.

00:57:01.000 Or too, whatever.

00:57:02.000 He'll suck my dick.

00:57:03.000 That was her line, yeah.

00:57:04.000 I'm too crass.

00:57:05.000 We'll suck my dick.

00:57:07.000 God, she's amazing.

00:57:08.000 She is still, like, better than ever.

00:57:12.000 I'm telling you, she hadn't done stand-up in forever, and she walked up there like she'd been doing it every weekend.

00:57:17.000 I love her so much.

00:57:17.000 It was wild.

00:57:19.000 It was wild.

00:57:19.000 And then I go, you really should do a tour.

00:57:22.000 Oh, absolutely.

00:57:23.000 She goes, I fucking should.

00:57:24.000 And I'm like, you should.

00:57:26.000 And so she has family in this area.

00:57:28.000 Yes.

00:57:29.000 And if we could talk her into coming here all the time, that would be amazing.

00:57:32.000 So this is her getting cancelled, though.

00:57:36.000 I think this is the time she got cancelled.

00:57:37.000 Yeah, she grabbed her pussy and then spit on the ground.

00:57:39.000 She was an animal.

00:57:42.000 I'm telling you, when she first...

00:57:45.000 Look at all the people clapping.

00:57:46.000 Meanwhile, people got mad afterwards.

00:57:47.000 When she first burst on the scene, it was literally like a female Kinnison.

00:57:52.000 Yes.

00:57:53.000 Because when Kinnison came on the scene, everybody was like, What?

00:57:55.000 This is comedy, too?

00:57:57.000 Holy sh- Look at this guy!

00:57:59.000 This is nuts!

00:58:00.000 When she burst on the scene, it was a similar thing.

00:58:02.000 Like, whoa, that's a woman telling you to suck her dick.

00:58:05.000 Yeah!

00:58:06.000 What the hell?

00:58:07.000 Yeah, she was with that whole crew, right?

00:58:09.000 Those were her homies.

00:58:11.000 Hicks and Kinison.

00:58:13.000 Oh, well, I'm sure they were all close.

00:58:14.000 Yeah.

00:58:15.000 They were all in that- The outlaws.

00:58:17.000 Well, there was a lot of people in that era, that 80s era of comedy that are just goddamn legends.

00:58:22.000 So I don't know.

00:58:24.000 I grew up with Roseanne's daughter.

00:58:26.000 We met in sixth grade.

00:58:27.000 Yeah, you told me.

00:58:28.000 That's crazy.

00:58:29.000 And it was so cool because I got to watch that family.

00:58:34.000 I think she just had her special come out when I met Jenny, her daughter.

00:58:38.000 And then I didn't know that people could be fun like that.

00:58:41.000 I would go over to their house and they would have a fake spaghetti dish that the fork was suspended in the air.

00:58:48.000 And I was like...

00:58:50.000 You can do that?

00:58:51.000 Like, you can just have something silly on your coffee table?

00:58:54.000 Right.

00:58:54.000 And they were so fun.

00:58:55.000 And I would just go there and just watch them talk and banter, and the whole family's so brilliant.

00:59:01.000 And I was like, oh, this is what life can be like.

00:59:05.000 Yeah, you can have fun.

00:59:06.000 Yeah.

00:59:07.000 Yeah, well, if you're lucky, you know, that's your family.

00:59:11.000 Yeah.

00:59:13.000 Some people have families where people are just constantly in agony.

00:59:19.000 That's a fucking bummer when you have a friend and you go to visit them at the house and people yelling at each other and you gotta get them out the door.

00:59:26.000 Come on, let's get out of here.

00:59:27.000 Shit.

00:59:28.000 And your kids.

00:59:29.000 I remember those feelings when I was a kid of not understanding.

00:59:33.000 First of all, there was no real clear understanding that I was ever going to be an adult.

00:59:38.000 Oh, that's interesting.

00:59:39.000 What does that mean?

00:59:40.000 I never really thought I was an adult.

00:59:42.000 I had a bit about this at one point in time.

00:59:46.000 Remember when you used to think that there were real grown-ups?

00:59:49.000 That one day you'd be like, now I'm a grown-up, and everything makes sense.

00:59:52.000 If it doesn't, you just get older.

00:59:55.000 And one day I was at a grocery store, and the guy goes, paper or plastic, sir?

00:59:58.000 I'm like, oh my god, I'm a sir?

01:00:00.000 I realized, to him, I think at the time I was in my 20s, I was like, to him, I'm a 28-year-old man, and I'm a man, and he's a kid still.

01:00:09.000 And I'm like, fuck, we're the same thing.

01:00:11.000 Then no one knows what's going on.

01:00:12.000 Everybody is a kid that just got older.

01:00:15.000 And when you're a little kid and you see adults, maybe your friend's dad's an alcoholic and he comes home screaming and the wife has to lock herself in the closet, that kind of shit.

01:00:25.000 And you're like, fuck, man.

01:00:28.000 Could that be me one day?

01:00:30.000 What if I fell apart?

01:00:31.000 Could I become a raging crackhead and lose everything?

01:00:35.000 Could I become a gambling addict?

01:00:37.000 People, they find out that their dad gambled the house away.

01:00:40.000 I know.

01:00:40.000 I know quite a few people like that, where their family was like heavy-duty gamblers.

01:00:44.000 They lost everything.

01:00:46.000 That's a horrible addiction.

01:00:47.000 That one's...

01:00:48.000 I don't know, man.

01:00:49.000 That one's wild.

01:00:50.000 That's a wild one.

01:00:51.000 Because it's not like horniness.

01:00:53.000 Because you only get it up so many times in a day.

01:00:55.000 I was just thinking that.

01:00:56.000 I was like, sex addiction...

01:00:58.000 Okay, that one's like...

01:00:59.000 That's going to ruin your life.

01:01:00.000 But gambling?

01:01:02.000 That's destruction.

01:01:03.000 What's the worst one?

01:01:05.000 Is it cigarettes?

01:01:06.000 For addiction?

01:01:07.000 For addictions.

01:01:08.000 Is cigarettes the worst addiction?

01:01:09.000 That's bullshit.

01:01:10.000 Who cares?

01:01:10.000 Yeah, but when you die, you feel so stupid.

01:01:12.000 Oh, you must.

01:01:13.000 Like, should have known this.

01:01:14.000 You've created that...

01:01:16.000 Yeah.

01:01:17.000 Okay, so hold on, let's go through them.

01:01:18.000 Okay.

01:01:19.000 Okay, sex, drugs.

01:01:22.000 Yeah, drugs kill you.

01:01:24.000 Sex doesn't kill you, but it can severely distract you from all the other things you want to do and can be just, you could turn into a creep.

01:01:35.000 Basically, yeah.

01:01:36.000 Yeah.

01:01:37.000 You know?

01:01:38.000 And that's, well, they're all very circular.

01:01:40.000 But yeah, there's always a supply.

01:01:41.000 Yeah, because that can lead you into drugs, too.

01:01:43.000 Yeah.

01:01:43.000 You know?

01:01:44.000 Yeah.

01:01:44.000 Oh, but the sex thing can get you with some Amber Heard bitches.

01:01:47.000 That's right.

01:01:48.000 And then it's money and...

01:01:50.000 I would say with Johnny, that's a love addiction.

01:01:53.000 He wanted his mommy to love him.

01:01:56.000 Maybe.

01:01:57.000 Maybe when you grow up famous.

01:02:00.000 And this is just a theory.

01:02:02.000 Because I've had a nice trickle into fame.

01:02:06.000 Meaning that when I was first on TV, nobody had any idea who the fuck I was.

01:02:12.000 And then I was on news radio, nobody knew who I was.

01:02:15.000 I could kind of get through, like sometimes people would recognize me, very rarely.

01:02:19.000 And then Fear Factor was much bigger.

01:02:22.000 And then UFC stuff and then the podcast is the biggest thing ever.

01:02:26.000 But of all those things, it's been like a slow...

01:02:29.000 Like if I just had the podcast when I was 25, I would have fucked my life up.

01:02:33.000 For sure.

01:02:36.000 100%.

01:02:36.000 Because it's too much fame.

01:02:38.000 It's too crazy.

01:02:39.000 So Johnny Depp was famous, more famous than I've ever been when he was 20. And he was hot.

01:02:44.000 Hot as fuck.

01:02:44.000 Like I had a life-size poster of him.

01:02:48.000 21...

01:02:48.000 Would you bang him?

01:02:49.000 We weren't the only one.

01:02:50.000 Did you too?

01:02:52.000 I didn't, but I'm aware they existed.

01:02:55.000 He never has come in his balls.

01:02:57.000 Like, I don't even think now.

01:02:59.000 Just gets rid of it all the time.

01:03:00.000 Dude, he's never been backed up.

01:03:01.000 And he's probably never had to masturbate.

01:03:03.000 Like, someone's always there.

01:03:04.000 Can you imagine how much he was getting laid back then?

01:03:07.000 Probably preposterous amounts.

01:03:09.000 Like, I would bet.

01:03:09.000 Look at him.

01:03:10.000 Oh my fucking God!

01:03:12.000 Basically a perfect man.

01:03:13.000 That's the poster I had for 21 Jump Street.

01:03:15.000 He's basically perfect.

01:03:16.000 Dude, he is perfect.

01:03:18.000 That's a perfect face.

01:03:19.000 Yeah.

01:03:20.000 So if you're like that when you're- I mean, how old was he then?

01:03:22.000 20?

01:03:22.000 Dude, he's 20 years old.

01:03:24.000 Okay.

01:03:24.000 So what are the chances that that guy has personal sovereignty, a rigid foundation in understanding who he is and how he fits into the world?

01:03:34.000 Zero point fucking zero at that age?

01:03:36.000 He's too inconstant in this world of love, Johnny, and fame, and directors and producers, and everywhere he goes, everybody loves him.

01:03:46.000 And it's not that he's not a good guy.

01:03:48.000 I'm sure he's a great guy.

01:03:50.000 It's just that that life, being that famous for that long from the time you're 20, is almost unmanageable.

01:03:56.000 You need a certain amount of balancing acts in your life to try to mitigate the effects of fame.

01:04:03.000 Yeah.

01:04:05.000 And I don't think it ever happens when you're young.

01:04:07.000 There's no way.

01:04:08.000 You're right.

01:04:08.000 Because the lack of identity...

01:04:10.000 You have to...

01:04:11.000 I agree.

01:04:11.000 The slow and gradual is the way.

01:04:13.000 And Tom always says that.

01:04:14.000 He's like, you don't want to get overnight.

01:04:16.000 You don't want it.

01:04:17.000 You want it to be slow and steady.

01:04:18.000 Tom is smart as fuck.

01:04:19.000 He is so smart.

01:04:20.000 He's very smart.

01:04:21.000 And he's very handsome.

01:04:22.000 And I love his beard and just...

01:04:23.000 I love how he smells.

01:04:25.000 So...

01:04:28.000 Yeah, you don't want to go like a rocket ship because that's how you get fucked.

01:04:31.000 No, it's too unmanageable.

01:04:32.000 It's too unmanageable.

01:04:33.000 Where we are, I am, I notice the difference.

01:04:38.000 People treat you differently now.

01:04:40.000 You've got leaps.

01:04:42.000 You've hit some new leaps.

01:04:44.000 What's cool about you guys is it's all internet.

01:04:46.000 It's all internet.

01:04:48.000 I know.

01:04:48.000 You guys are internet famous.

01:04:50.000 Like, you became famous, like, legitimately successful from a show you created yourself with no input from anyone whatsoever all on the internet.

01:05:00.000 And I've been through all the iterations.

01:05:01.000 When you guys had that garage set up.

01:05:04.000 You know, all of that.

01:05:06.000 It's like you guys have been doing it and just on that steady grind and all by yourself.

01:05:12.000 No one would let you do what you're doing.

01:05:14.000 Nobody.

01:05:15.000 They would go after episodes.

01:05:17.000 That thing you were saying about felching, like, listen, we don't need that.

01:05:22.000 Can you say?

01:05:22.000 It's just too much.

01:05:24.000 It's just too much.

01:05:25.000 And, you know, MeUndies might have a problem with it.

01:05:27.000 Yeah.

01:05:29.000 MeUndies doesn't have a problem with anything.

01:05:30.000 That's a bad example.

01:05:31.000 Yeah.

01:05:32.000 Yeah, because we did try to do a show, a network show during the pandemic, an animated show.

01:05:39.000 And you just can't.

01:05:42.000 The notes.

01:05:43.000 They suck everything right out of it.

01:05:46.000 Well, that's their job, though.

01:05:47.000 Their job is to protect themselves.

01:05:50.000 They're going to put something on.

01:05:51.000 They want it to be creative, but not so creative that it possibly could get them fired and then they're going to fuck up their mortgage.

01:05:59.000 It's the buttered noodles thing.

01:06:01.000 I don't know.

01:06:01.000 Someone told me in radio one time, buttered noodles is why everything sucks so bad.

01:06:05.000 Meaning, everybody will eat buttered noodles.

01:06:08.000 Nobody really loves buttered noodles.

01:06:10.000 Maybe one or two guys out there love.

01:06:12.000 Yeah, my son loves buttered noodles.

01:06:15.000 But everybody will eat it.

01:06:17.000 It's okay.

01:06:18.000 And you can sell ads on it.

01:06:21.000 And that's the model.

01:06:22.000 And that's why entertainment has sucked so fucking bad.

01:06:25.000 Who the fuck is watching TV anymore?

01:06:27.000 I mean, are you watching...

01:06:30.000 No.

01:06:30.000 I don't know.

01:06:31.000 I don't.

01:06:32.000 I don't watch regular TV at all.

01:06:34.000 No, you're streaming stuff, right?

01:06:35.000 I don't know who's watching regular TV, but if regular TV put on a good show, I'd watch it.

01:06:40.000 No shit.

01:06:41.000 If there was one thing that I found out about on regular TV, it's not like it's impossible.

01:06:45.000 No, there's some good stuff.

01:06:47.000 They're going to have to come to a recognition.

01:06:49.000 They're going to have to have a come to Jesus moment.

01:06:51.000 Where they're gonna realize, like, your mom's house is out there showing dudes getting their assholes stitched shut.

01:06:59.000 And you fucking pussies are afraid to say shit on TV. Like, this is nonsense.

01:07:06.000 It's so weird.

01:07:08.000 What I was going to say, too, is what I love about podcast fans versus...

01:07:12.000 Because I've done some television stuff.

01:07:13.000 I used to be on the E! Channel a lot.

01:07:15.000 I did Chelsea Lately and those Talking Head shows.

01:07:17.000 That fan is a casual fan.

01:07:20.000 They're like, oh, I saw you.

01:07:21.000 I love you on this thing.

01:07:22.000 But the podcast fan is like, yo, the other day when you said you took a shit and it was like the bottom of a pudding cup.

01:07:29.000 Bro, I had that shit, too.

01:07:30.000 And you're like, yeah, dog.

01:07:32.000 They know you.

01:07:34.000 Ridiculous example.

01:07:35.000 Yeah.

01:07:39.000 That's our show.

01:07:40.000 That's the show.

01:07:40.000 It is.

01:07:41.000 But it's like, it's the delivery guy.

01:07:43.000 I mean, I was in like a pharmacy getting drugs like for my sinus infection and some guy stalking, you know, the sodas.

01:07:49.000 And he's like, Mommy!

01:07:50.000 And I'm like, yeah, dude, what's up?

01:07:52.000 The soda stalker knows you?

01:07:54.000 Yeah, like, but that's so real.

01:07:56.000 Mommy.

01:07:56.000 It's so grassroots like that.

01:07:58.000 Like where it's, you don't know.

01:08:00.000 And like, but I've had like brain surgeons listening to the show and just every ilk of life, truck driver, everybody.

01:08:06.000 And you're like, you like me?

01:08:08.000 Bro, like, we're dopes.

01:08:10.000 Segura and I were walking down the street, Segura, me and your husband.

01:08:13.000 Not that you're not Segura, too.

01:08:14.000 We were walking down the street in Nashville, and some dude pulls over in his car, and he goes, Rogan, what's up, jeans?

01:08:24.000 And Tommy points out of it.

01:08:27.000 It's like, for what he said, Rogan, then he goes, hey, what's up, jeans?

01:08:30.000 He called him jeans.

01:08:32.000 It's like those little sort of inside things on your show, calling everybody mommy in jeans.

01:08:38.000 It's so fun.

01:08:39.000 It's hilarious, but someone in the wild calling him jeans was really fun.

01:08:43.000 In the wild.

01:08:44.000 Yeah, it was fucking fun.

01:08:45.000 That's all I wanted was to be silly and have fun in life.

01:08:48.000 And that's all I wanted money for was to create silliness and to create fun and to spend too much money on an outfit that the Netflix executives would be upset about.

01:08:58.000 And then I wanted a Frankie Goes to Hollywood song, Relax is on there.

01:09:02.000 And they're like, no, bitch, we're not paying for that.

01:09:04.000 Oh, boy.

01:09:05.000 They wouldn't pay for Relax?

01:09:06.000 Well, they paid for a lot of other stuff.

01:09:08.000 How much does relax cost?

01:09:10.000 Do you really want to know how much I paid?

01:09:11.000 So I was like, fuck you, I'm going to buy it because I love this song.

01:09:14.000 It's about gay guys butt-fucking.

01:09:15.000 Did you know that?

01:09:16.000 Relax, yeah.

01:09:17.000 But I didn't know that growing up.

01:09:18.000 I was just dancing to it in the clubs with my dad.

01:09:19.000 When You Want to Come?

01:09:21.000 Yeah.

01:09:21.000 You didn't know that?

01:09:22.000 You didn't know that?

01:09:22.000 I knew that.

01:09:23.000 I didn't know that.

01:09:24.000 I was a kid.

01:09:25.000 My dad would take me to bars with him and I would dance.

01:09:27.000 To that song?

01:09:28.000 Yeah.

01:09:28.000 Oof.

01:09:29.000 Anyway, I paid $60,000 to license Relax.

01:09:34.000 I think it's worth it.

01:09:35.000 Yeah, I agree.

01:09:37.000 And showbiz is such bullshit.

01:09:39.000 Did you know that you have to buy your Hollywood star, your Walk of Fame star?

01:09:45.000 Did you know you buy that?

01:09:46.000 Yeah, you buy that.

01:09:48.000 It's so stupid.

01:09:49.000 It's $40,000.

01:09:51.000 You buy it, and then they have a little celebration, and no one gives a shit, and then they write a story about how much you suck.

01:09:58.000 You can keep that.

01:10:00.000 I'd rather give that to a foster care home.

01:10:02.000 Seriously?

01:10:03.000 Yeah, it's like, that's a weird one, that Hollywood Walk of Fame, because you walk down the walk, and there's people that no one knows.

01:10:10.000 Oh my gosh, I know.

01:10:11.000 You're like, huh?

01:10:12.000 Someone who just paid for that Walk of Fame.

01:10:14.000 But it used to be a thing.

01:10:15.000 Like, it used to be, Burt Reynolds, fuck!

01:10:17.000 That's Burt Reynolds, man!

01:10:19.000 That's Burt Reynolds' star!

01:10:20.000 But it's weird.

01:10:21.000 It's like, what a trick.

01:10:22.000 Someone just writes Burt Reynolds on the ground.

01:10:24.000 And you're like, yeah.

01:10:26.000 Look.

01:10:26.000 He's fucking famous.

01:10:27.000 Clint Eastwood.

01:10:29.000 That's his fucking star.

01:10:30.000 Right here.

01:10:31.000 Like, that has nothing to do with him.

01:10:32.000 He's nowhere near there.

01:10:33.000 It's just his name written on the ground.

01:10:35.000 You're like, oh, look.

01:10:37.000 Rodney Dangerfield.

01:10:38.000 I love Rodney.

01:10:40.000 I love Rodney.

01:10:42.000 Well, that's the thing I'm realizing is that it's like, it's just, I mean, over time with fame and da-da-da, you're like, oh, it's all smoke and mirrors.

01:10:49.000 This is bullshit.

01:10:50.000 It's all fucking, and the more you can just stick to what you enjoy doing, it's going to keep you grounded and have a family and enjoy normal things.

01:11:00.000 You know what I just thought of?

01:11:01.000 You know how they do the Walk of Fame and they have the stars?

01:11:04.000 Yeah.

01:11:04.000 And in the store, they have the names on the wall?

01:11:06.000 Yeah.

01:11:06.000 I think at the mothership, I'm going to have stars.

01:11:09.000 I'll put people's name on a star, like when they're paid regulars, and I'll have a wall of stars.

01:11:15.000 That's a great idea.

01:11:16.000 I'm going to steal the Hollywood Walk of Fame shitty idea and steal it from my club.

01:11:20.000 I think you should.

01:11:21.000 Yes.

01:11:22.000 I think you should.

01:11:23.000 And never take them down, because I hate when clubs take down old people and then replace them.

01:11:28.000 Why?

01:11:28.000 Do you hate that?

01:11:29.000 Because I like the history.

01:11:30.000 I love going to Nashville.

01:11:32.000 What's that club in Nashville?

01:11:35.000 Zanies?

01:11:35.000 Oh, yeah.

01:11:36.000 And seeing like...

01:11:37.000 Ancient hedgehogs.

01:11:38.000 Yeah, I love them, man.

01:11:40.000 Being like, look at fucking Ron White.

01:11:42.000 Before Larry the Cable Guy was Larry the Cable Guy.

01:11:44.000 What was his real name?

01:11:45.000 Yeah, Dan Whitney.

01:11:45.000 Yeah, you're like, there's fucking...

01:11:46.000 Oh, my God.

01:11:47.000 And like the old ones, the Gs.

01:11:49.000 Because you're like, that guy struggled.

01:11:51.000 And that's before the internet.

01:11:53.000 So like, you wanted to get booked?

01:11:55.000 Okay, you got to send a tape, a fucking VHS to the booker.

01:11:59.000 Call that fool.

01:12:00.000 Have them fax you some shit over.

01:12:01.000 Mm-hmm.

01:12:02.000 I mean, it was so much harder for them.

01:12:04.000 You had to get on The Tonight Show.

01:12:05.000 Right.

01:12:06.000 That's what the big one was back then.

01:12:08.000 Well, who's The Tonight Show now?

01:12:10.000 Cheers.

01:12:10.000 That's what's up, bitch.

01:12:12.000 Joe Rogan, podcast by day, all night.

01:12:14.000 All day.

01:12:15.000 Train by day.

01:12:15.000 I don't know how that happened.

01:12:17.000 I literally don't know how that happened.

01:12:18.000 Can you believe that, bro?

01:12:20.000 No.

01:12:20.000 You're bigger than Johnny.

01:12:23.000 I don't believe anything.

01:12:24.000 It doesn't make any sense to me.

01:12:26.000 It doesn't make sense, right?

01:12:27.000 No, I just keep doing what I'm doing, though.

01:12:29.000 But whatever it is, I can do it.

01:12:31.000 This level of chaos that I think is, for a lot of people, it's crippling.

01:12:36.000 For me, I find it a nice exercise.

01:12:38.000 For a lot of people, it's crippling.

01:12:41.000 It is, like that amount of scrutiny about your thoughts and your words and your actions.

01:12:46.000 It's crippling for some people.

01:12:48.000 But I overanalyze myself so hardcore that I'm like, yeah, other people are doing it too.

01:12:56.000 Go ahead.

01:12:57.000 Get in there.

01:12:59.000 Go look around.

01:13:00.000 I'm fucking crazy.

01:13:01.000 You do overanalyze yourself?

01:13:03.000 Oh, yeah.

01:13:04.000 But I don't think overanalyze myself, but I am a very harsh critic of myself, of everything I do.

01:13:12.000 I'm not one of those guys that's super happy with anything I do.

01:13:16.000 I think that's maybe one of the big keys to my success.

01:13:20.000 I'll celebrate things and people and fun, but I very rarely celebrate myself.

01:13:26.000 I don't like birthday parties.

01:13:27.000 I'm not interested.

01:13:28.000 Me too.

01:13:29.000 I don't have premieres when I launch a special.

01:13:32.000 Get the fuck out of here.

01:13:33.000 It's on TV now.

01:13:34.000 Go, bye, see ya.

01:13:35.000 Don't want to talk about it.

01:13:36.000 Yeah, and what's the next thing?

01:13:37.000 What's the next thing?

01:13:38.000 I'm already on the next thing.

01:13:39.000 Same.

01:13:39.000 I'm already writing the next hour.

01:13:41.000 Let's go.

01:13:41.000 Yeah, if I tape that night, if I tape a special that night, you know what I do?

01:13:46.000 One of the things that I do?

01:13:46.000 What?

01:13:47.000 I write down the bits that I didn't do in the special that I need to start getting better to prepare for the next special.

01:13:53.000 I love it.

01:13:53.000 Because I go, okay, here's what we got.

01:13:55.000 Now, these are the weapons that we have left in the cash.

01:13:58.000 Yep.

01:13:58.000 Well, that's because you're a perfectionist, and that's why you're good.

01:14:02.000 You know, Letterman, I was obsessed with David Letterman, and I read a bio about him when I was 17. And it said that every time they were done taping, he would go watch the tape and then flog himself.

01:14:14.000 He hated himself.

01:14:15.000 Hated himself.

01:14:15.000 Yeah.

01:14:16.000 Hated what he did.

01:14:16.000 Why did I say it like that?

01:14:17.000 Why did I do this?

01:14:18.000 And he was beloved.

01:14:20.000 Beloved.

01:14:20.000 But that's why it was so good.

01:14:22.000 Because it was a guy that was acutely aware of your attention span and wanted to do the very best at every chance and then was always analyzing whether or not he lived up to his own expectations.

01:14:34.000 Too many people are fucking happy with themselves.

01:14:36.000 That's why all this body positivity shit and...

01:14:38.000 Fuck you!

01:14:39.000 Fuck you!

01:14:40.000 I fucking hate fat models.

01:14:42.000 I hate them.

01:14:43.000 I hate fat models.

01:14:44.000 I hate them.

01:14:45.000 Listen, you can tell me that fucking men have periods and it's not breastfeeding, it's chest feeding, but don't you take away my supermodels.

01:14:53.000 Don't you take away Naomi Campbell and Linda Evangelista.

01:14:56.000 You know what I'm saying?

01:14:57.000 I don't want to be represented.

01:15:00.000 I don't need to be...

01:15:01.000 Fuck your represent.

01:15:01.000 I want to see something better than me.

01:15:04.000 That's why I like skinny, beautiful models.

01:15:06.000 If I wanted to see fucking hangy dog tits, I would go put a fucking mirror in my shower.

01:15:12.000 I don't want to see hangy dog tits.

01:15:15.000 Skinny models to me might as well be dudes.

01:15:20.000 What are you talking about?

01:15:21.000 I think they look beautiful.

01:15:22.000 They have gorgeous faces.

01:15:24.000 I'm not interested in that at all.

01:15:28.000 You like fat models?

01:15:29.000 I like girls with meat on them.

01:15:30.000 I don't like them fat.

01:15:31.000 I like them a little thick.

01:15:33.000 A little thick.

01:15:34.000 A little thick.

01:15:34.000 I like a gal who can do some deadlifts.

01:15:37.000 That's what I like.

01:15:37.000 Is that what they call slim thick?

01:15:40.000 Maybe.

01:15:40.000 I don't know.

01:15:41.000 I don't hang out with they.

01:15:43.000 But I like women that look strong.

01:15:47.000 I like women that look fit.

01:15:48.000 Fitness.

01:15:49.000 I don't like scrawny.

01:15:51.000 You don't like the heroin.

01:15:52.000 Diet looks to me like, are you awake?

01:15:54.000 Are you okay?

01:15:55.000 Do you need a nap?

01:15:57.000 That's not healthy!

01:15:58.000 It's the same way I'd look at a man who's built like that.

01:16:01.000 What are you doing with your physical body?

01:16:04.000 What are you doing with your vessel?

01:16:06.000 You look like you struggle to pick up a pack of cigarettes.

01:16:09.000 I don't like that in men.

01:16:10.000 I don't like it in women either.

01:16:16.000 Designers like it because those women are essentially hangers.

01:16:18.000 Oh yeah, it's cheaper because you have to buy...

01:16:20.000 Do you know that that's why they originally became super skinny?

01:16:23.000 It was because a size zero takes less fabric to make a dress.

01:16:27.000 And when Valentino or these...

01:16:29.000 That's what I heard in some documentary I saw.

01:16:31.000 I don't know if it's true.

01:16:33.000 But yeah, it's cheaper to build a size zero dress or whatever than...

01:16:37.000 I would way rather have a woman that's 10 pounds overweight than 10 pounds underweight.

01:16:41.000 Wow.

01:16:42.000 Way rather.

01:16:43.000 See, I think skinny looks so much better, like...

01:16:46.000 Like Kate Moss.

01:16:47.000 Well, you don't want someone that's unhealthy.

01:16:50.000 And if they're unhealthy in a skinny way or unhealthy in an overweight way, that's what the problem with celebrating that is.

01:16:56.000 You don't celebrate fat men, where's the fucking Burt Kreischer underwear catalogs?

01:17:00.000 That's what I was saying!

01:17:02.000 So let's talk about this.

01:17:03.000 It's interesting because there's this movement to accept, to celebrate fatness for women.

01:17:09.000 Not for dudes.

01:17:10.000 Why is this?

01:17:11.000 Because men are fat fucks when they're fat.

01:17:15.000 Nobody wants to fuck them?

01:17:16.000 No, they're fat.

01:17:18.000 You're a fat fuck.

01:17:19.000 You got a big gut.

01:17:20.000 No one's like body positive than you.

01:17:22.000 Good for you.

01:17:23.000 Literally, no one will say you body shamed a man.

01:17:25.000 If they do, people are like, get the fuck out of here.

01:17:28.000 Like, it's, you know, I mean, obviously you shouldn't bully people.

01:17:31.000 But if you are a fat guy with a giant gut and you're wearing underwear and trying to say, accept me for who I am, I'm beautiful.

01:17:39.000 People are kind of like, no, that's not how it works, stupid.

01:17:42.000 But why do we feel like that's okay to not allow men?

01:17:47.000 Because women are more sensitive.

01:17:48.000 Because it hurts us.

01:17:48.000 We don't want to hurt their feelings.

01:17:49.000 We don't want to hurt your feelings, so I will lie.

01:17:54.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:17:55.000 I will lie to you.

01:17:56.000 Have you seen that?

01:17:57.000 Because I want you to become my friends.

01:17:59.000 Her little baby feelings.

01:18:01.000 Yeah, maybe.

01:18:02.000 Is that what it is?

01:18:03.000 That's 100% what it is.

01:18:03.000 Yeah, because we can't take the shaming.

01:18:05.000 It's being kind.

01:18:06.000 It's being kind, but it's taken to a place where you're actually aggressive about being kind.

01:18:11.000 So you're actually putting out more shitty energy than you're removing because it doesn't work.

01:18:16.000 No.

01:18:16.000 So because by yelling at people about body positivity, it doesn't change the way people feel about people that are overweight.

01:18:23.000 No.

01:18:23.000 People that are overweight are repulsive because they're not healthy.

01:18:25.000 It's a natural biological attraction mechanism that makes you attracted to people that are going to be able to sustain children.

01:18:34.000 Of course.

01:18:34.000 And have a life and survive hardship and someone who looks like durable.

01:18:40.000 It's unhealthy.

01:18:40.000 People that are not durable.

01:18:41.000 It's not healthy to be overweight.

01:18:43.000 And you cannot tell me, get the fuck out of here.

01:18:46.000 Oh, that's fine.

01:18:47.000 They can be overweight.

01:18:48.000 It's absolutely not true.

01:18:50.000 It's not true.

01:18:51.000 And I think, too, it's rooted in pity, which is why I don't like participation awards.

01:18:56.000 I think that it's rooted in pity.

01:18:58.000 Have you ever gotten a participation award?

01:19:00.000 No.

01:19:01.000 I was born in 1967. They didn't have them back then.

01:19:04.000 Well, I got one in, like, 86. And my mother framed it.

01:19:09.000 She didn't know.

01:19:10.000 She's a foreigner.

01:19:12.000 But I fucking hated it because it was a mark of shame.

01:19:15.000 It was like, fuck you.

01:19:16.000 I know what that is.

01:19:18.000 Right.

01:19:19.000 You know what I'm saying?

01:19:19.000 Like, you want to participate in something, participate in winning, you fucking loser.

01:19:23.000 Like, to me, it just made me like...

01:19:25.000 Yeah.

01:19:26.000 I've got a stack of these medals from my Taekwondo days.

01:19:30.000 Yeah?

01:19:30.000 And to this day, I look at the bronze and the silver ones, I'm like...

01:19:34.000 I don't like them.

01:19:37.000 Yeah, they upset you.

01:19:38.000 They make me sad.

01:19:39.000 Like, you fucking loser.

01:19:41.000 Yeah.

01:19:42.000 I was like 18. I'm looking at this thing, I'm like, you fucking loser.

01:19:46.000 It's such an achievement to even win that in Taekwondo.

01:19:50.000 It's a big deal.

01:19:51.000 Nope, not to me.

01:19:52.000 But not to you.

01:19:53.000 We're self-loathing.

01:19:54.000 But participation trophies are worse than that.

01:19:57.000 It's like, you did it.

01:19:59.000 You got out there.

01:20:00.000 Here's a useless fucking plaque.

01:20:03.000 And then, did you know that Victoria's Secret hired their first Down Syndrome model?

01:20:08.000 Down to fuck, am I right?

01:20:12.000 She's actually very pretty.

01:20:14.000 Yeah, she actually is pretty.

01:20:15.000 Which is crazy.

01:20:16.000 Here's the question.

01:20:17.000 Yeah.

01:20:17.000 What would people think if a normal chromosome man decided to start having relations with her?

01:20:27.000 Would people accept that?

01:20:28.000 No.

01:20:29.000 Is that legal?

01:20:29.000 No.

01:20:30.000 That's what I was wondering.

01:20:31.000 Is it legal?

01:20:32.000 This is my problem with the model, the Down Syndrome model.

01:20:35.000 It's not that...

01:20:36.000 Whatever.

01:20:36.000 She is pretty.

01:20:37.000 She looks great.

01:20:37.000 She's got a better body than me.

01:20:39.000 Phenomenal body, right?

01:20:40.000 She's fucking banging.

01:20:41.000 It's that issue of the capacity to make such a decision.

01:20:45.000 Because you know those girls are objectified.

01:20:47.000 They're sexualized.

01:20:48.000 You're right.

01:20:49.000 100%.

01:20:50.000 That's the gig.

01:20:50.000 You're sexualizing someone who you're not even allowed to have sex with.

01:20:53.000 It's almost like sexualizing a child.

01:20:55.000 It is.

01:20:56.000 In that, like, if you're a man, so you're an accountant, Bob the accountant, normal 35-year-old single man, and he meets this Down Syndrome Victoria Secrets model, and you hang out with her, and you're like, dude, she's surprisingly cool, and we just fuck like wild animals.

01:21:14.000 People would go, what are you talking about, Bob?

01:21:17.000 You are not having sex with a Down Syndrome woman.

01:21:20.000 That's what she wants.

01:21:21.000 That's what I want.

01:21:23.000 She's a model, bro.

01:21:24.000 I don't see the problem.

01:21:25.000 All her fucking pictures are her in her underwear.

01:21:27.000 She looks good.

01:21:28.000 Show me the photos of the woman in the Down Syndrome.

01:21:32.000 She's hot.

01:21:33.000 Looks like she has a boyfriend.

01:21:34.000 No.

01:21:34.000 Does she have a Down Syndrome boyfriend?

01:21:36.000 Yeah, I think you have to.

01:21:37.000 You have to.

01:21:38.000 But that's what I'm saying.

01:21:39.000 You have to, because it's not fair.

01:21:40.000 Okay, good.

01:21:41.000 That's equal.

01:21:42.000 Oh, they're both beautiful.

01:21:43.000 Yeah.

01:21:44.000 That's good.

01:21:45.000 Let me see what she looks like, though.

01:21:46.000 No, she's pretty.

01:21:47.000 She's very pretty.

01:21:49.000 Like, very pretty.

01:21:50.000 Yeah.

01:21:50.000 But there's the thing.

01:21:53.000 Like, if a regular man had a relationship with her, it would be really creepy.

01:22:00.000 Which is why I have issue with the Forrest Gump film.

01:22:03.000 Right.

01:22:04.000 But it's a guy.

01:22:06.000 It's a guy.

01:22:07.000 It's okay.

01:22:08.000 It's okay to...

01:22:09.000 Yeah, a girl could have a Down Syndrome guy boyfriend.

01:22:11.000 If you have a Down Syndrome guy boyfriend, what if you have a giant Icelandic Down Syndrome man as your boyfriend?

01:22:18.000 He's basically a giant white gorilla that just lays pipe to you all day.

01:22:23.000 It would be ideal.

01:22:24.000 Because they're horny all the time.

01:22:25.000 I know, I know.

01:22:27.000 You know Bobby Kelly?

01:22:28.000 Yes.

01:22:28.000 Bobby Kelly and I did gigs together back when he was a counselor for Down Syndrome kids.

01:22:36.000 So he would work in this house with Down Syndrome people.

01:22:39.000 So where he lived, he lived in this house with people.

01:22:43.000 And Bobby told me they're always trying to fuck.

01:22:45.000 Yo, I know.

01:22:45.000 I've heard this before.

01:22:50.000 They just want to fuck all the time, which is normal.

01:22:52.000 They have normal balls and normal testosterone production, and that's what the average man is.

01:22:58.000 But they don't seem to think there's anything wrong with wanting to fuck all the time.

01:23:01.000 They fuck hard, bro.

01:23:03.000 Yeah, I know.

01:23:03.000 I've heard this.

01:23:04.000 No, I had a friend that worked- Is there down syndrome porn, and is that going to be on the next to your mom's house?

01:23:11.000 Oh, don't say oh no.

01:23:12.000 Do we really need that?

01:23:13.000 Oh yes, you mean oh yes, right?

01:23:14.000 Do we need that tab on Pornhub?

01:23:15.000 I was going to start looking, but I'll let them find it.

01:23:17.000 Listen, they're not making it.

01:23:19.000 They're just journalists.

01:23:20.000 They're just journalists.

01:23:21.000 We're out there reporting from the field.

01:23:24.000 Apparently, there's some Down Syndrome porn.

01:23:27.000 Now, should you have to be Down Syndrome to get it?

01:23:29.000 And could you take a test and just pretend you're dumb?

01:23:31.000 And will they let you?

01:23:32.000 Well, it doesn't seem like you have Down Syndrome, but you're pretty fucking stupid, so go ahead and jerk off to this.

01:23:41.000 Well, that's what this is.

01:23:43.000 It's permission to masturbate to the mentally challenged.

01:23:46.000 Right.

01:23:46.000 Are you allowed to masturbate to that Victoria's Secret's catalog because the Down Syndrome lady's on it?

01:23:51.000 That's the real issue.

01:23:52.000 And the answer is yes.

01:23:53.000 And Victoria's Secret wants you to masturbate to the Down Syndrome girl.

01:23:58.000 Talk about inclusivity.

01:23:59.000 Finally.

01:24:00.000 I found it.

01:24:01.000 You found it?

01:24:01.000 Down Syndrome porn?

01:24:04.000 Is there a website?

01:24:05.000 A whole website?

01:24:06.000 I don't know because I don't know.

01:24:07.000 I've never heard of this site.

01:24:10.000 Are we going to have to edit this out?

01:24:11.000 No.

01:24:12.000 Maybe just look, don't say it.

01:24:13.000 It explains why she falls for the pizza delivery guy thing.

01:24:16.000 I don't know what kind of website that is.

01:24:16.000 Jesus Christ.

01:24:17.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:24:18.000 Jesus Christ.

01:24:19.000 Just the heading.

01:24:20.000 Oh, it's heavy.

01:24:21.000 This is where we get a lot of our clips for Your Mom's House Live.

01:24:24.000 This website.

01:24:26.000 Oh, you're not going to show it?

01:24:27.000 No, no.

01:24:27.000 I've never even heard of it.

01:24:28.000 Can I see the downs part?

01:24:29.000 Well, this one wasn't...

01:24:31.000 Keep it on her face.

01:24:33.000 Keep the camera on her face and just show the Downs porn.

01:24:36.000 Oh, no.

01:24:37.000 So who's Downs here, though?

01:24:38.000 That guy.

01:24:39.000 Oh, so it's a regular woman and a Downs lady?

01:24:41.000 Yeah, it says he saved up money, though.

01:24:43.000 See, it's always the guy.

01:24:44.000 Oh, boy.

01:24:44.000 It's always the guy that...

01:24:46.000 Poor fella.

01:24:47.000 Oh no, I don't like that.

01:24:49.000 Oh, he's really...

01:24:50.000 So he's trying to jack himself off.

01:24:51.000 She looks super pumped with her life choices.

01:24:55.000 Yeah, I don't like this.

01:24:56.000 This isn't as fun as I thought it would be.

01:24:57.000 Look at how he's jerking off, too.

01:24:59.000 I don't want to watch it either.

01:24:59.000 Yeah, he's deformed.

01:25:00.000 It's more than that.

01:25:01.000 Yeah.

01:25:02.000 He got the full Monty.

01:25:04.000 Yeah, he's not like the model kind.

01:25:06.000 No.

01:25:07.000 No, not at all.

01:25:09.000 The model thing is weird because male models have to have six packs and they have to look like Johnny Depp.

01:25:14.000 They have to be chiseled, beautiful.

01:25:16.000 But female models, there's a new category.

01:25:18.000 I don't have any problem with it.

01:25:21.000 As long as we're not pretending that there's something...

01:25:27.000 As long as they're not saying there's something wrong with being the other kind of model.

01:25:32.000 Out of all the two, both of them are unhealthy.

01:25:34.000 It's unhealthy to starve yourself, and it's unhealthy to be obese.

01:25:37.000 Good argument.

01:25:38.000 Both of them are unhealthy.

01:25:39.000 Yes, I like that.

01:25:40.000 Both of them are unrealistic and unreasonable, and both of them are not what men want for the most part.

01:25:46.000 You know what men want?

01:25:47.000 Curves.

01:25:48.000 Whoever the fuck is there.

01:25:49.000 No, we like curves.

01:25:50.000 Yeah, but truly, I've never had a man...

01:25:52.000 I had one boyfriend in the past who was like, you gain weight.

01:25:54.000 And I was like, go fuck your mother, you're out of here.

01:25:55.000 One guy.

01:25:56.000 He was also the dirtbag who didn't call me for four days and then rearranged his room on crystal meth.

01:26:01.000 Oh, meth heads.

01:26:02.000 So there you go.

01:26:03.000 But yeah, most men are very forgiving of women's bodies, I've found.

01:26:08.000 In real life, at least the dudes I've been with for the most part, extremely forgiving.

01:26:12.000 I think the natural inclination is that men like women with a little softness to them, little curves to them.

01:26:18.000 To be chicks.

01:26:19.000 They're like curves.

01:26:19.000 Yeah.

01:26:20.000 But the stick thing is like you're not eating, you're smoking cigarettes, you're doing Adderall, like you're not normal.

01:26:26.000 That's not healthy.

01:26:27.000 It's not healthy, but it does.

01:26:28.000 Unless you just have some crazy metabolism or you're super athletic and this is just like what you look like.

01:26:33.000 Yeah.

01:26:34.000 But athletic girls look more stout, you know?

01:26:36.000 They're like CrossFit girls.

01:26:38.000 They develop thighs and calf muscles.

01:26:40.000 You like that, and that's your jam.

01:26:41.000 I like them healthy.

01:26:42.000 Yeah.

01:26:43.000 Heart meaty.

01:26:44.000 I like a girl who can help me carry a couch.

01:26:46.000 Yeah.

01:26:46.000 Yeah!

01:26:52.000 You know, and you don't want a man that's going to have a fucking heart attack.

01:26:55.000 No, that's a thing.

01:26:56.000 You see a guy that's that fat, and you know they have sleep apnea, and they're just lying there with their big purple face, choking on their own tongue.

01:27:06.000 Choking on their own tongue!

01:27:08.000 I mean, could you fucking imagine what Burt snores like?

01:27:12.000 I was going to take it there, and then I was like, should we fat shame Burt?

01:27:15.000 It's not going to work.

01:27:17.000 It hasn't worked.

01:27:18.000 He gets so much love from being fat.

01:27:19.000 When he takes his shirt off, it's probably the biggest pop in all of comedy.

01:27:23.000 I know, I know.

01:27:24.000 When he goes out there and says like this to everybody, and then he takes his shirt off and puts his baseball hat back on, they go, yeah!

01:27:31.000 Shane Gillis told me it's the loudest pop he's ever heard in his life.

01:27:34.000 Yeah, I believe it.

01:27:36.000 Well, it's fun.

01:27:37.000 It's a good time.

01:27:40.000 I don't want a fat, yeah.

01:27:41.000 Yeah.

01:27:42.000 Here's the good news.

01:27:43.000 Netflix let me fat Shane Burt in my special.

01:27:45.000 Oh, you fat Shane Burt in your special?

01:27:46.000 They didn't flag it.

01:27:48.000 You're allowed to.

01:27:49.000 Look, he's pregnant.

01:27:50.000 They flagged everything else.

01:27:50.000 Yeah.

01:27:51.000 He's pregnant.

01:27:51.000 Oh, stop.

01:27:52.000 Look at him.

01:27:53.000 I don't want...

01:27:53.000 He's doing great, though, but here's the thing.

01:27:55.000 That pregnant guy is out there fucking killing it.

01:27:58.000 He's selling out everywhere he goes.

01:28:00.000 Have you seen the pregnant guy on Instagram?

01:28:01.000 Okay.

01:28:02.000 Are we allowed to talk about that?

01:28:03.000 Yeah, you're allowed to talk about that in this show.

01:28:05.000 Yeah, there's pregnant men.

01:28:06.000 Isn't that like the cover of some magazine?

01:28:09.000 It had a pregnant man.

01:28:11.000 I don't know.

01:28:12.000 Can we find that, Jamie?

01:28:12.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:28:12.000 There was something for the first time.

01:28:14.000 A pregnant man is on the cover of a certain magazine.

01:28:16.000 I follow one on Instagram.

01:28:18.000 I'm obsessed with this.

01:28:20.000 I'm endlessly intrigued by this whole gender non-binary stuff.

01:28:25.000 Yeah, what do you think?

01:28:28.000 Truly, it's not pretty.

01:28:32.000 No, there's a cover of a magazine.

01:28:36.000 It said something for the first time.

01:28:38.000 I think I might have saved it because I'm twisted.

01:28:41.000 Let me find it here.

01:28:46.000 I don't know.

01:28:47.000 I think it's like.00001 of the population, right?

01:28:51.000 It's a small percentage of the population that is a pregnant man.

01:28:56.000 But they have their own emoji on my iPhone now.

01:29:01.000 Did you guys fucking rally for this?

01:29:03.000 How easily did Apple give in to your demands?

01:29:07.000 Yeah, I think what...

01:29:08.000 I mean, I'm a pragmatist.

01:29:11.000 I believe that if the majority of people, of humans, are doing stuff, the utility would be to build society around what the majority are doing.

01:29:20.000 So I think this way of thinking, we're like, well, no, but there's like two people that have this, so let's completely rearrange.

01:29:27.000 I don't know.

01:29:28.000 Is it working?

01:29:29.000 And then to bully you into conformity, and if you don't, then you're hateful.

01:29:34.000 I'm like, I'm not so sure that's accurate.

01:29:36.000 It's happening so fast, and it's at such a rabid level.

01:29:43.000 Sort of fever pitch of compliance.

01:29:46.000 I didn't want everyone to comply or you're a monster or you're a piece of shit or you're transphobic.

01:29:51.000 That to me, if I was removed from my own emotions and my own culture and I said, what is happening here?

01:29:58.000 Well, there's some sort of a process of getting people to stop being primates and stop being sexual and stop thinking about like normal Sort of biological gender representation,

01:30:13.000 like X and Y chromosome equals male.

01:30:16.000 XX equals female.

01:30:17.000 And it seems like, if I looked at something, what's happening, I'd go, there's some sort of a declining urgency of sexual orientation and even the ability to biologically reproduce by sex.

01:30:34.000 Like, I think they're setting us up.

01:30:36.000 I think the universe is setting us up to become some new thing.

01:30:41.000 Some sort of genderless...

01:30:43.000 Cyborgs.

01:30:44.000 Yeah.

01:30:44.000 Elon Musk.

01:30:45.000 He knows.

01:30:46.000 It's just what technology is doing.

01:30:49.000 And it seems like what's happening with people in our...

01:30:55.000 Ever more hungry desire for technology is we're doing a lot of things that seem to be diminishing our sex.

01:31:05.000 There's things called phthalates.

01:31:07.000 There's this woman who did this book, Dr. Shanna Swan, she did this book called Countdown.

01:31:10.000 And she's an environmental epidemiologist.

01:31:14.000 Oh, I saw this lady.

01:31:15.000 She was on your show.

01:31:15.000 Yes, yes.

01:31:16.000 She deals with the effects of the environment on people's reproductive systems and people's hormonal systems.

01:31:22.000 And one of the things that she found was that phthalates, which come from plastics and a bunch of other pesticides in particular, a bunch of different things, chemicals from petrochemicals that have gotten into our bodies, Have diminished our penis sizes,

01:31:40.000 diminished our sperm counts, diminished...

01:31:43.000 Sperm counts are down like 50% since the 1950s.

01:31:46.000 What?

01:31:47.000 Yeah, penis sizes are shrinking, taints are shrinking.

01:31:50.000 So one of the best ways in mammals to tell the difference between a male and a female is the taint size.

01:31:55.000 Taints in males are 50 to 100% larger than the females.

01:31:59.000 And when mammals are exposed to phthalates, when the mother has the baby in the womb, the phthalates cause the taint to shrink.

01:32:09.000 And they keep shrinking and shrinking.

01:32:11.000 So they keep shrinking over time.

01:32:12.000 So we're becoming genderless, strange sort of things biologically, but we're not recognizing it because they didn't even know that this...

01:32:22.000 I think Dr. Shana Swan said it was 2015 when they first realized what was happening with phthalates and that phthalates were having this impact on the reproductive systems.

01:32:32.000 That while women were pregnant, their exposure and the amount of phthalates they had in their blood was directly represented by the decreasing of the testosterone in the males, shrinking of the penis, shrinking of the testicles, and also big uptick in miscarriages for the females.

01:32:49.000 So less viable, less sexual, less viable, less hormonal.

01:32:54.000 We're turning into seahorses.

01:32:56.000 We're turning into aliens.

01:32:57.000 Yeah, I believe it.

01:32:58.000 I really think that's what it is.

01:33:00.000 You know, we were talking last night, we were talking about these Russian wrestlers.

01:33:03.000 Tony was making fun of me that I have a hairy back.

01:33:06.000 You too?

01:33:07.000 I don't think I've seen it.

01:33:09.000 Want to see it?

01:33:10.000 I'll show you.

01:33:11.000 Anyway, afterwards.

01:33:14.000 But I go, dude, that's not even hairy.

01:33:16.000 Have you ever seen Russian wrestlers that look like male stage 3?

01:33:20.000 Google Russian wrestlers.

01:33:21.000 Right before they hit stage 5, which is like a human.

01:33:25.000 They hit stage 3. Oh, right, the chart.

01:33:27.000 Yeah, the evolutionary chart.

01:33:29.000 There's a lot of Russian men.

01:33:31.000 That have fucking hairy shoulders, like all over their shoulders, all over their arms.

01:33:36.000 They basically look like fucking werewolves.

01:33:39.000 Holy shit, dude, no lie.

01:33:41.000 Yeah, that's a famous guy.

01:33:44.000 That's George the Animal Steel.

01:33:45.000 But yeah, he was completely hairy everywhere.

01:33:48.000 Look at that Russian guy.

01:33:48.000 Yo, that's what's up.

01:33:50.000 Look at those shoulders.

01:33:51.000 That's insane.

01:33:52.000 Ain't no phthalates in their diet.

01:33:53.000 Is that what you're saying?

01:33:54.000 Look at the fucking hair on that guy.

01:33:56.000 I mean, you can't tell me that that guy is not like...

01:33:59.000 Let's say it's not like a five-stage evolutionary trail.

01:34:05.000 It's a thousand stages.

01:34:06.000 That guy's several hundred stages before most people.

01:34:09.000 He's a gorilla.

01:34:11.000 He's a gorilla.

01:34:11.000 He's probably strong as fuck.

01:34:14.000 Look at him in that headlock in the far right corner.

01:34:17.000 Click on that.

01:34:19.000 That's high-ass testosterone.

01:34:20.000 You do not want that guy squeezing your neck.

01:34:22.000 Look at him.

01:34:22.000 Look at those shoulders.

01:34:23.000 Look at that back.

01:34:23.000 No, bro.

01:34:24.000 Look at him.

01:34:25.000 Yeah, there's certain hairy humans that remind you of our past.

01:34:33.000 They're a little window into, like, savages of the past.

01:34:36.000 I love this.

01:34:37.000 My husband's very hairy, too, and I enjoy it.

01:34:39.000 He was the first hairy guy I was ever with.

01:34:42.000 I was always with these- Twinks?

01:34:44.000 Well, no, with men that wore makeup and velvet skirts, they're goth.

01:34:50.000 I think now they're called trans, but back then they were just goth.

01:34:54.000 And, yeah, they're very beta.

01:34:57.000 And I just fell in love with Tommy for being alpha.

01:34:59.000 But I was going to bring up, have you seen the new The Batman?

01:35:03.000 Yes.

01:35:04.000 How do you feel?

01:35:05.000 I loved it.

01:35:05.000 You did?

01:35:06.000 You hated it?

01:35:07.000 I hated it.

01:35:08.000 Tell me why.

01:35:09.000 Okay.

01:35:09.000 First of all, he's total limp dick.

01:35:12.000 Like, he doesn't even bang fucking Zoe Kravitz at the end, who's like the hot ass.

01:35:17.000 He kissed her at least.

01:35:18.000 Did they French?

01:35:19.000 Did he French-er?

01:35:20.000 I mean, it was like a real kiss.

01:35:22.000 Very chaste.

01:35:23.000 So here's what I think.

01:35:25.000 He's got no dick and balls.

01:35:28.000 He's a reluctant...

01:35:29.000 Do you really think he has no dick and balls?

01:35:30.000 No dick and balls.

01:35:31.000 Because he's a reluctant hero.

01:35:33.000 And nothing aggravates me more.

01:35:34.000 Here's who Batman is.

01:35:36.000 He's fucking Bruce Wayne.

01:35:37.000 He's a multi-millionaire.

01:35:39.000 He enjoys being Batman.

01:35:42.000 He enjoys his cars.

01:35:44.000 He enjoys being the powerful hero.

01:35:46.000 He puts on the suit, I'm Batman.

01:35:48.000 Remember fucking Vicki Vale and the guy, who's the, Beetlejuice, when Beetlejuice was Batman?

01:35:56.000 Yeah, Michael Keaton.

01:35:57.000 Michael Keaton crushed it, and he crushed puss, and he was a virile male.

01:36:02.000 This Batman is like, I've got fucking feelings.

01:36:04.000 His hair is in his eyes, and like, what are you doing?

01:36:10.000 Wipe your pussy and go be a hero.

01:36:12.000 Same with Spider-Man.

01:36:13.000 Did you see that horse shit?

01:36:15.000 You didn't like Spider-Man either?

01:36:16.000 They're all fucking crying the whole time.

01:36:18.000 I loved it.

01:36:18.000 Why are they crying?

01:36:19.000 There's a multiverse.

01:36:20.000 There's multiple Spider-Mans.

01:36:21.000 And they're all fucking having their periods at the same time.

01:36:23.000 I don't want to see it.

01:36:25.000 Show me men.

01:36:26.000 I want my heroes.

01:36:27.000 Do you like the Hulk?

01:36:28.000 I love the Hulk.

01:36:29.000 Because that's the dichotomy of human nature.

01:36:33.000 That's Jekyll and Hyde.

01:36:34.000 It's a very traditional story.

01:36:36.000 I love the Hulk.

01:36:37.000 His big green Hulk cock.

01:36:38.000 I love him.

01:36:39.000 Look at him.

01:36:41.000 Michael Keaton.

01:36:42.000 I liked him.

01:36:43.000 Oh, you know who I love?

01:36:44.000 The Christian Bale.

01:36:45.000 Christian Bale was the best Batman.

01:36:46.000 That was the best one.

01:36:47.000 He was pretty good.

01:36:48.000 I liked Robert Pattinson as Batman.

01:36:50.000 I thought it was good.

01:36:51.000 I loved Robert Pattinson as the vampire.

01:36:54.000 He was great in that too.

01:36:55.000 I loved him.

01:36:56.000 It's suspension of disbelief.

01:36:58.000 You're watching a goofy ass movie about a weird fake world.

01:37:04.000 Where a guy can shoot a grappling hook to the top of a building and it pulls him up.

01:37:09.000 There's a lot that you just take for granted as nonsense.

01:37:12.000 The thing about Batman has always been that Batman was just a rich guy that had access to all this money so he could buy all this shit and do these things.

01:37:21.000 It's hot.

01:37:22.000 Which works in a comic book.

01:37:24.000 It really works in a comic book.

01:37:26.000 Because in a comic book, you kind of got free license for him to create a fucking nuclear reactor that he could put on a jet ski.

01:37:32.000 You know what I mean?

01:37:33.000 Batman has all the money.

01:37:34.000 He can do whatever he wants.

01:37:35.000 But in movies, you're like, why is he kicking everybody's ass?

01:37:38.000 How come nobody gets him?

01:37:39.000 How come three guys don't gang up on him, take him down and stab him?

01:37:42.000 And they're shooting rounds and rounds at him.

01:37:45.000 No one in fucking Gotham can shoot a gun.

01:37:47.000 He's bulletproof.

01:37:48.000 You just don't shoot him in the chin.

01:37:50.000 Oh shit, that's right.

01:37:51.000 Question.

01:37:51.000 So Batman could have been Iron Man, but he chose not to be?

01:37:55.000 Because that's all Iron Man is.

01:37:57.000 That's a very good point.

01:37:57.000 That's a good point.

01:37:58.000 Very good point.

01:37:59.000 I don't think Batman is quite as smart as Iron Man.

01:38:01.000 He doesn't have the heart thing, which keeps us a big thing, but the money.

01:38:04.000 Yeah, but Iron Man is smarter.

01:38:04.000 Tony Stark is like a legit super genius.

01:38:07.000 And he gets laid.

01:38:08.000 He hired people to make it, I guess.

01:38:09.000 Yeah, Tony Stark is a guy who became rich.

01:38:12.000 What do you want?

01:38:12.000 I want water.

01:38:13.000 Oh, that's water in there.

01:38:14.000 Tony Stark is a guy who became rich because he was brilliant.

01:38:18.000 Mmm, I like that.

01:38:19.000 The Batman guy, he's just rich.

01:38:22.000 Yeah, inherited.

01:38:24.000 Yeah, he got it from his parents.

01:38:25.000 But also...

01:38:25.000 Bruce Wayne is not like a brilliant...

01:38:27.000 He's not a super genius.

01:38:28.000 That's a good point.

01:38:29.000 That's the most important...

01:38:30.000 But here's the deal.

01:38:31.000 So I also...

01:38:32.000 I have a very hard time feeling bad for rich characters.

01:38:35.000 Like, oh, I'm an orphan.

01:38:37.000 Well, who cares?

01:38:39.000 We all are, okay?

01:38:40.000 A lot of us had shitty parents.

01:38:42.000 So you've got millions of dollars.

01:38:44.000 Go have fun.

01:38:45.000 Go have fun with this Batman.

01:38:47.000 I found him to be very just fey and like, I don't want to fight.

01:38:50.000 But no one was having fun in the whole movie.

01:38:52.000 The whole movie was my mom died.

01:38:54.000 Everyone's dead.

01:38:55.000 Coke's everywhere.

01:38:56.000 That's what I'm saying.

01:38:57.000 But the whole movie was dark.

01:38:58.000 Yeah, it's a fucking bummer, man.

01:39:00.000 I don't want to be bummed out.

01:39:02.000 I want fun.

01:39:03.000 Show me some life.

01:39:04.000 Who's your favorite superhero character in films?

01:39:08.000 That's such a good fucking question.

01:39:11.000 I don't like Superman because he's too American pie.

01:39:14.000 I like a little darkness.

01:39:17.000 My favorite's Blade.

01:39:18.000 Go ahead.

01:39:19.000 Blade.

01:39:20.000 Can you bring up Blade?

01:39:21.000 I'm not even sure I've seen this.

01:39:22.000 Yeah, yeah, he's dope.

01:39:23.000 He killed vampires.

01:39:25.000 I like vampires.

01:39:25.000 I'm 100% on his side.

01:39:27.000 Okay.

01:39:28.000 Plus, he's a daywalker.

01:39:29.000 He's part vampire.

01:39:30.000 How does this work?

01:39:30.000 So how does this work?

01:39:31.000 His mother was bit while he was in the womb.

01:39:34.000 So he can walk during the day?

01:39:36.000 Yes, he can walk during the day, but he's got vampire powers.

01:39:38.000 But they have to keep giving him injections of blood because he wants to kill people and eat them.

01:39:43.000 But he doesn't because he's a good guy.

01:39:45.000 And he knows karate.

01:39:48.000 Dude, I can see all of this lining up for you.

01:39:51.000 It's my 100% favorite of all those things.

01:39:54.000 I like that, dude.

01:39:55.000 Wesley Snipes was fucking badass as Blade, too.

01:39:58.000 It was perfect, because I was a fan of Blade the comic book, where he had teak weapons.

01:40:04.000 He used a really hard wood, because vampires, you had to put a stake through their heart, so you had teak stakes that he carried with him.

01:40:10.000 He would stab these teak knives.

01:40:11.000 I thought teak was bullshit wood.

01:40:13.000 Yeah, there's a new blade coming.

01:40:15.000 There's a new Top Gun coming out.

01:40:17.000 I'm so excited for that.

01:40:19.000 A new Top Gun with Tom Cruise.

01:40:21.000 Maverick.

01:40:21.000 He still looks good.

01:40:23.000 What is he doing?

01:40:24.000 I want to talk to his guy.

01:40:26.000 What is he doing?

01:40:27.000 What is he doing?

01:40:28.000 He's 80,000 years old.

01:40:29.000 He looks great.

01:40:30.000 I think they do Botox and filler.

01:40:32.000 A lot more than that.

01:40:33.000 He was a man when I was a boy.

01:40:35.000 And he still looks great.

01:40:36.000 Still got a nice full head of dark hair.

01:40:38.000 This is wild.

01:40:39.000 Can we look at him?

01:40:40.000 Yeah, it's beautiful.

01:40:41.000 We need to look at him.

01:40:42.000 And Brad Pitt.

01:40:43.000 What is he, 58?

01:40:44.000 How the fuck does he look so good?

01:40:47.000 How old is he?

01:40:47.000 59. He turned 60 July 3rd.

01:40:50.000 Turned 60 in a month or two.

01:40:52.000 No.

01:40:53.000 Look at him.

01:40:55.000 He's stunning.

01:40:56.000 Pretty goddamn good looking.

01:40:58.000 It's got to be like surgery.

01:40:59.000 And he's also doing his own fucking stunts.

01:41:01.000 Yeah, I know.

01:41:01.000 Do you see that?

01:41:02.000 Yeah, I know.

01:41:02.000 Where he broke his ankle to smithereens where he jumped from building to building?

01:41:06.000 You didn't see that?

01:41:07.000 No.

01:41:07.000 But I know he does.

01:41:08.000 Yeah, I do.

01:41:09.000 Let's see it.

01:41:09.000 Want to watch his ankle break?

01:41:10.000 Yep.

01:41:10.000 But I know that he does his own stunts, which is nutty.

01:41:12.000 Why?

01:41:13.000 He does motorcycle stunts.

01:41:14.000 He does everything.

01:41:15.000 He learned how to fly a helicopter so he could do helicopter stunts.

01:41:18.000 I'm not kidding.

01:41:19.000 It's crazy.

01:41:20.000 He did.

01:41:20.000 He's in Fucking Animal.

01:41:21.000 I know.

01:41:22.000 He's loony as fuck, alright?

01:41:24.000 He's crazy as cat shit.

01:41:27.000 But that guy...

01:41:28.000 What's going on?

01:41:29.000 Let's talk about him.

01:41:30.000 Watch this.

01:41:30.000 Look at this.

01:41:30.000 Look at this motherfucker.

01:41:32.000 Oh yeah, I have seen this.

01:41:33.000 Fuck!

01:41:34.000 So he barely made it there and he landed with his ankle and slammed his body into it and destroyed his ankle.

01:41:44.000 Fuck, dude.

01:41:44.000 Apparently just cracked the shit out of his ankle on impact.

01:41:47.000 I guess he probably wanted to make it all the way to the other side, but didn't quite get there.

01:41:52.000 Look at that.

01:41:54.000 Ooh!

01:41:54.000 That's a destroyed ankle, son.

01:41:56.000 That's gone, homie.

01:41:56.000 That's a destroyed ankle.

01:41:58.000 That's so much force, too, to go that far.

01:42:01.000 He didn't need to do that.

01:42:02.000 But look, he fucking powered through like a savage.

01:42:04.000 And then he did the rest of the scene, yeah.

01:42:05.000 Look, even with his fucked up ankle, he ran off.

01:42:07.000 You know how hard that is to do?

01:42:08.000 Animal.

01:42:10.000 He's the best.

01:42:11.000 He's the best at those kind of movies.

01:42:12.000 And he was really good as the vampire in Lestat.

01:42:15.000 He was a way better vampire.

01:42:16.000 You know, you're talking to my school.

01:42:17.000 Interview with the vampires?

01:42:17.000 Let's talk about this.

01:42:18.000 I was very reluctant.

01:42:20.000 Brad Pitt, Tom Cruise to be vampires.

01:42:22.000 I'm recovering goth.

01:42:23.000 But they crushed it.

01:42:25.000 They crushed it.

01:42:26.000 I have to give it to them.

01:42:27.000 That movie was great.

01:42:28.000 I know.

01:42:29.000 And Brad Pitt, my husband got to meet him in real life and he looks stunning.

01:42:33.000 I don't think Anne Rice, I'm sure he does, I'm sure Anne Rice, I think she was reluctant to have Tom Cruise do it initially too.

01:42:41.000 Of course, every goth was like...

01:42:42.000 Because Lestat was like this looming, imposing, demonic vampire figure in the books.

01:42:49.000 Did you read the books?

01:42:49.000 I read the books, yeah.

01:42:51.000 Yeah, I read the books.

01:42:52.000 Yeah, Interview with the Vampire was amazing.

01:42:54.000 Are you kidding me right now?

01:42:55.000 No, no, no.

01:42:56.000 I would never, if someone said a million dollars Joe Rogan's read Interview with the Vampire, I'd be like, never.

01:43:02.000 Anne Rice is a fascinating character.

01:43:04.000 She's dead now.

01:43:04.000 Yeah, unfortunately.

01:43:05.000 I really liked her, too.

01:43:06.000 She was great.

01:43:08.000 She wasn't very healthy.

01:43:09.000 Oh.

01:43:10.000 But she wrote some great stuff.

01:43:13.000 But she also, like, sometimes you'd hear opinions on things.

01:43:15.000 You're like, oh, my God, this bitch is crazy.

01:43:17.000 What was her deal?

01:43:18.000 I didn't even know that.

01:43:19.000 I love hearing this stuff.

01:43:20.000 I forget what, like, I'd read commentary that she'd said.

01:43:22.000 She was just, like, a little unhinged.

01:43:25.000 But, I mean, that's what you'd expect from someone.

01:43:28.000 Like, what was she controversial about?

01:43:30.000 What was controversial about Anne Rice?

01:43:33.000 Because I know J.K. Rowling gets shit for...

01:43:36.000 She gets shit for saying that men can't be pregnant.

01:43:38.000 And I don't know why she insists on saying that.

01:43:41.000 It's so rude.

01:43:42.000 All it is is hurtful.

01:43:44.000 It's so rude.

01:43:44.000 And I've personally stopped watching the Harry Potter movies because of this.

01:43:49.000 And witchcraft, too.

01:43:50.000 It's anti-Christian, so I agree.

01:43:52.000 Harry Potter is witchcraft.

01:43:54.000 It is.

01:43:54.000 It is anti-Christian.

01:43:54.000 It's anti-Christian.

01:43:55.000 Anti-Christian and anti-trans.

01:43:57.000 The one place where they cross lines.

01:44:00.000 Magic is demonic.

01:44:02.000 I mean, when you read the actual things he said, you're like, who's pushing back against this?

01:44:07.000 Especially because the fucking Penn State swimmer is the most, or UPenn swimmer is the most nutty one.

01:44:12.000 Oh, is this the one where it's like a dude that won out?

01:44:14.000 Oh, no, no.

01:44:15.000 Were they finally pushing back on that?

01:44:16.000 It's this, no, well, I mean, she is still winning world championships when she was number 462 in the country as a biological male.

01:44:27.000 And then a year later, a fucking year later, she's number one as a female who still has a penis.

01:44:35.000 Yeah.

01:44:35.000 So what?

01:44:37.000 And if you get complained because she's walking around the locker room, you're transphobic.

01:44:41.000 Oh, what happened?

01:44:43.000 Like, imagine if you woke up, you feel like Rip Van Winkle.

01:44:46.000 And you're like, I'm going to take a nap around 2015. I just feel a little sleepy.

01:44:51.000 And something happened.

01:44:52.000 And seven years later, you're like, hey guys, what's going on?

01:44:56.000 Why is that dude swimming with ladies?

01:45:00.000 I feel, okay, I'm like that every morning with Tom.

01:45:03.000 I'm like, Tom, did you know that hiking is racist now?

01:45:07.000 Hiking is racist?

01:45:08.000 Yo, Google that, young Jamie.

01:45:11.000 Hiking is not inclusive.

01:45:13.000 Hiking has an inclusivity problem.

01:45:15.000 This article came out during the pandemic.

01:45:17.000 Yoga is racist, even though it was invented in India.

01:45:21.000 I mean, there's all these articles, and I'm like, am I in the fucking upside down?

01:45:25.000 Well, you also have to recognize that a lot of what you see when you read those articles is just people trying to get attention.

01:45:32.000 They don't even believe what they're saying.

01:45:33.000 Here, the unbearable whiteness of hiking and how to solve it.

01:45:38.000 How do you solve the whiteness of hiking?

01:45:40.000 Imagine that there's a problem with people Based on the melanin content of their skin, we're just out enjoying nature together.

01:45:48.000 And wouldn't that be an inclusive thing?

01:45:49.000 It's one thing where your race doesn't matter at all.

01:45:51.000 You're all just walking up this mountain and enjoying nature.

01:45:55.000 It shouldn't be a consideration even slightly.

01:45:58.000 Hiking is not just for able-bodied white people anymore.

01:46:03.000 I mean, was there a movement that we were like, hey guys, you can't hike here if you're not?

01:46:07.000 Come on, man.

01:46:08.000 It's stupid.

01:46:08.000 It's stupid as fuck.

01:46:09.000 It's stupid.

01:46:11.000 If you go on the trails, this is not real.

01:46:13.000 If you go on trails, hiking trails, you see people of all ethnicities and backgrounds.

01:46:18.000 They're just enjoying nature together and it's a bonding experience for folks because there's something very humbling about walking Over the top of a hill and you're seeing a canyon and it's beautiful and you see people coming the other way and you're like, hey, what's up?

01:46:32.000 It's a bonding thing.

01:46:35.000 It's one of those things that's so humbling in its vast scale and magnificence and its natural beauty that it makes you nicer.

01:46:44.000 It makes you feel better.

01:46:45.000 It's like a little natural medicine.

01:46:47.000 So everyone's out there enjoying natural medicine.

01:46:48.000 It doesn't have to do with white people.

01:46:50.000 I know.

01:46:50.000 Come on.

01:46:51.000 Tibetans are the best fucking hikers alive.

01:46:54.000 They are!

01:46:54.000 The people from Nepal and the people that take people up the Himalayas are the best fucking hikers that have ever lived!

01:47:02.000 They're the best!

01:47:03.000 Or is it pronounced Himalayas?

01:47:05.000 Oh yes, yes.

01:47:06.000 Yeah, they're the best.

01:47:07.000 They're the best and they're not white.

01:47:08.000 So hiking's not white.

01:47:10.000 It's not white, it's human.

01:47:11.000 You just disproved this shit, man!

01:47:12.000 Hiking's human and especially at the highest level.

01:47:16.000 Unfortunately, those people are known for being hired by white people.

01:47:19.000 That's what it is.

01:47:20.000 To take them up the Himalayas.

01:47:22.000 Have you done that yet?

01:47:22.000 Fuck that.

01:47:24.000 That's not on the menu.

01:47:28.000 How do you know if you have it in you, if you could do it?

01:47:31.000 You need to do it to prove it.

01:47:34.000 I don't need to do it to prove it.

01:47:35.000 I know I'm not interested in it.

01:47:37.000 I'm not interested in Himalayas.

01:47:40.000 That's what Ram Dass used to call it.

01:47:42.000 The Himalayas.

01:47:43.000 I go, is that how you fucking say this?

01:47:45.000 Yeah, I used to have a joke about it.

01:47:48.000 About the Himalayas?

01:47:49.000 Yeah, about how there's dead bodies on the way up there.

01:47:53.000 And you're like, you have to have such incredible arrogance.

01:47:57.000 Because it's so cold that they have to leave the dead bodies.

01:48:00.000 So as you're walking up this trail to the top of this mountain, hoping to be one of the people that makes it, you get to look to the left and the right of you, and there's dead bodies.

01:48:10.000 It's wild, dude.

01:48:11.000 There's dead bodies from the 30s.

01:48:13.000 What?

01:48:14.000 Yes.

01:48:14.000 And they're not decomposed because it's super cold?

01:48:17.000 Frozen solid like a rock and they look like they're made out of plaster.

01:48:21.000 They're white, pale white frozen.

01:48:24.000 Whoa.

01:48:25.000 You see their skin, like their clothing has been pushed away a little bit by time and worn out and you can see part of their skin.

01:48:32.000 Yeah, there's people that they know who the person is.

01:48:34.000 Like, it's a famous hiker.

01:48:35.000 Shut up.

01:48:36.000 No, I'm not bullshitting at all.

01:48:38.000 I was obsessed with this for months.

01:48:41.000 I was reading stories about hikers.

01:48:43.000 Look at this.

01:48:44.000 These are hikers' bodies.

01:48:45.000 And they just leave them there?

01:48:47.000 Yep, they just leave them there.

01:48:48.000 Look at that one.

01:48:49.000 Look at his skin.

01:48:50.000 Bro, pick him up.

01:48:51.000 Why don't they take these fools out?

01:48:53.000 You can't because the air is so thin.

01:48:54.000 It's so dangerous that to bring that guy down would risk people's lives.

01:48:59.000 Because it's so hard to get up there.

01:49:00.000 And they just leave him up there.

01:49:02.000 I think they've removed some of them.

01:49:05.000 This shit makes me so angry.

01:49:07.000 Yeah.

01:49:08.000 You know what else infuriates me?

01:49:09.000 I was watching a documentary about this guy that free climbing...

01:49:13.000 Oh, Alex Honnold?

01:49:15.000 I don't know.

01:49:15.000 Yeah, I've had him on a few times.

01:49:18.000 Shit makes me so fucking mad because I'm like, what are you doing?

01:49:21.000 It's just, you know, he's like, and then I put my finger in the crevice.

01:49:24.000 I don't have any back.

01:49:25.000 It's like...

01:49:26.000 Not only that, sometimes it gets tricky.

01:49:28.000 Sometimes it's like I have to lift my foot up and get it to the spot or I'm going to die.

01:49:32.000 I have to lift my foot up over here and push off.

01:49:35.000 Look at that.

01:49:36.000 What the fuck?

01:49:36.000 Yeah, this guy.

01:49:39.000 Burrow.

01:49:39.000 What are you doing, homie?

01:49:41.000 Just what that looks like is just burrow.

01:49:45.000 His little pants are falling down.

01:49:46.000 His dick's going to pop.

01:49:47.000 He's got dick root.

01:49:48.000 He's showing dick root.

01:49:50.000 He's showing some dick root.

01:49:51.000 He's in good shape.

01:49:52.000 He should.

01:49:53.000 He looks great.

01:49:53.000 Cheers.

01:49:54.000 Super, super, super nice guy.

01:49:56.000 He's been on the podcast a few times.

01:49:58.000 I think three times.

01:49:58.000 I really enjoy talking to him.

01:50:00.000 So what's his...

01:50:01.000 It gets him excited to do this.

01:50:03.000 First of all, he loves being in nature, and I think there's this accomplishment thing that comes with being able to climb something with no ropes.

01:50:13.000 Because there's no if.

01:50:15.000 It's just must do.

01:50:17.000 Must do for to live.

01:50:19.000 You see people on those ropes, sometimes they slip and they fall off.

01:50:22.000 Would you have slipped and fallen off if there was no rope?

01:50:26.000 Right, right.

01:50:27.000 These fucking crazy assholes!

01:50:30.000 What?

01:50:30.000 Is this the guy that got arrested?

01:50:32.000 This is Alex.

01:50:33.000 This is wild, dude.

01:50:35.000 Oh, that's him too.

01:50:36.000 Look at him.

01:50:37.000 He's got his little chalky hands.

01:50:39.000 Oh my god, he's climbing a fucking building.

01:50:40.000 He's so high.

01:50:42.000 That's so crazy.

01:50:43.000 How old is this guy?

01:50:44.000 It says climbs halfway up New Jersey skyscraper.

01:50:47.000 Why half?

01:50:47.000 How does he get back down?

01:50:49.000 I don't know.

01:50:50.000 What happens then?

01:50:50.000 Do you slide down?

01:50:51.000 My hands are so sweaty.

01:50:52.000 I know, I know, I know, I know, I don't I don't like it.

01:50:54.000 It gives me anxiety.

01:50:55.000 It gives me diarrhea.

01:50:56.000 Oh, I don't want to see this, Jenny.

01:50:58.000 I know.

01:50:58.000 Take it away.

01:50:59.000 Wait, wait.

01:50:59.000 But, Joe, have you seen the documentary about the divers who rescue the children trapped in the tie?

01:51:07.000 No, I haven't seen that.

01:51:09.000 Tommy made me watch it.

01:51:10.000 He's like, you're going to love it.

01:51:11.000 It's very inspirational.

01:51:12.000 I don't like children getting fucked with ever.

01:51:14.000 Children are trapped inside of a fucking cave.

01:51:17.000 Yeah.

01:51:17.000 They find divers who are like hobbyist divers, like a bunch of old white guys, like introvert people.

01:51:24.000 Weirdos who are cave divers.

01:51:25.000 Yeah.

01:51:26.000 Because the military can't hack it.

01:51:27.000 They don't know how to get in and get these kids out.

01:51:29.000 It's a fascinating story.

01:51:31.000 Should I tell you what happens?

01:51:33.000 Spoiler alerts.

01:51:34.000 Okay.

01:51:35.000 I know I probably should have said this before, but okay anyway.

01:51:39.000 Yo, yo, yo.

01:51:40.000 So these are the guys.

01:51:41.000 And they find this group of like misfit dudes who love cave diving and they can go into these tiny little angles.

01:51:48.000 I mean, look at the, it's all so narrow.

01:51:51.000 And like I said, there's the boys trapped.

01:51:53.000 They got trapped in a storm and they were there for like a month.

01:51:56.000 Oh, it's awful.

01:51:57.000 And they had to devise a plan to get these boys out.

01:52:01.000 Oh my god.

01:52:02.000 Can I tell you how they did it?

01:52:03.000 Sure.

01:52:04.000 It's so crazy.

01:52:06.000 They consulted with this anesthesiologist and they put an apparatus on the boys' faces to put them under anesthesia.

01:52:14.000 And then the professional diver would take them through the cave very carefully out over like two or three hours while this kid was under anesthesia.

01:52:24.000 Two or three hours?

01:52:25.000 Oh my god.

01:52:26.000 I mean, like I'm crying even just fucking remembering it.

01:52:29.000 Oh my god.

01:52:30.000 It's horrible.

01:52:32.000 Look, look, this is the route.

01:52:33.000 So there's the boys.

01:52:34.000 Oh my god, this is insane.

01:52:36.000 So they had to find a way to be able to carry a kid, safely put a mask on them.

01:52:41.000 Without the kid freaking out.

01:52:42.000 Yeah.

01:52:43.000 Right, because if the kid freaks out, it kicks up dust.

01:52:45.000 I had Donald Cerrone on my podcast, and he was cave diving with this guy, and the guy got his tube tangled, his rope tangled, and he freaked out and spazzed out, and he filled the cabin up with silt, and they couldn't see anymore, and he couldn't figure out how to get out.

01:53:00.000 And he was running out of air.

01:53:02.000 It's the most riveting story I've ever heard in my life.

01:53:04.000 What is this?

01:53:05.000 It's Donald Cerrone, and he was telling a cave diving story.

01:53:09.000 And it's on YouTube, and when he did it, even though I knew he was here, So I knew he was alive.

01:53:17.000 He's obviously alive.

01:53:18.000 He's sitting in front of me telling me the story.

01:53:20.000 It's about him.

01:53:21.000 But as he's telling me, I'm so filled with anxiety that I can hardly breathe because he's doing an amazing job of telling it.

01:53:28.000 And the story is terrifying.

01:53:30.000 And then he's thinking about getting back to his wife and his kid.

01:53:33.000 That's what he's thinking about.

01:53:35.000 And while he's trying to find his way out, he's like, I'm not going to fucking quit.

01:53:38.000 I'm going to get out.

01:53:39.000 And he finally gets out.

01:53:40.000 It's like, yo!

01:53:42.000 I know.

01:53:43.000 But he's like...

01:53:44.000 You want to talk about...

01:53:45.000 He's a hardcore adrenaline junkie.

01:53:47.000 That's what that is.

01:53:48.000 Yeah.

01:53:48.000 I mean, he's a professional cage fighter.

01:53:50.000 He's had 48 fights in the UFC. Yeah.

01:53:52.000 He jumps jet skis and fucking...

01:53:55.000 He's always doing nutty things.

01:53:57.000 You know, whatever the fuck it is, he'll do it.

01:54:00.000 Is it wild?

01:54:00.000 Let's do it.

01:54:01.000 Yeah.

01:54:02.000 Yeah.

01:54:04.000 I feel like stand-up comedy is the ultimate for me in terms of, like, danger.

01:54:08.000 Like, intellectual danger.

01:54:10.000 It's a great intellectual danger.

01:54:13.000 Podcasting is too, because podcasting, you're really just thinking it up on the fly.

01:54:18.000 Yeah.

01:54:19.000 The intellectual danger about stand-up comedy is like, you committed to this.

01:54:25.000 I know.

01:54:26.000 It's just you and the mic, dude.

01:54:27.000 Yeah.

01:54:28.000 Well, I have to take a pish.

01:54:29.000 Yeah, go ahead.

01:54:29.000 Yeah, I'll see you later.

01:54:30.000 We'll pause.

01:54:31.000 Okay.

01:54:31.000 We'll be right back.

01:54:32.000 We'll be right back.

01:54:37.000 And we're back.

01:54:40.000 So much better.

01:54:41.000 Having to think and pee at the same time are not good.

01:54:44.000 No.

01:54:44.000 Like when you have to pee and you're holding it.

01:54:45.000 I know, it's the worst.

01:54:46.000 The brain does not work well.

01:54:47.000 No.

01:54:48.000 No.

01:54:48.000 We could build chairs with toilets, but you don't want to see that.

01:54:52.000 I tried peeing in a diaper once on our podcast.

01:54:54.000 It's terrible.

01:54:55.000 Yeah, that doesn't seem like a good time.

01:54:57.000 It's not as fun as you think it'd be.

01:54:58.000 I don't think it would be fun.

01:55:00.000 Remember when that astronaut lady did it?

01:55:01.000 She wore diapers so she could go kill her boyfriend's girlfriend.

01:55:05.000 I think about it once a year.

01:55:07.000 I think about that one a lot.

01:55:09.000 Like, yo, how mad are you that you're like, I'm gonna wear a diaper?

01:55:12.000 And drive across the fucking country.

01:55:14.000 She was going like 90 miles an hour for 18 hours.

01:55:19.000 With a diaper on, just shitting her pants and just gritting her teeth.

01:55:23.000 And she bear maced that lady.

01:55:25.000 She hit her with bear spray and she tried to pull her out of her car and then she broke down crying.

01:55:30.000 That's what I miss.

01:55:31.000 You know, we don't have any great scandals anymore.

01:55:34.000 Well, that one was crazy because it was a NASA astronaut.

01:55:38.000 You're like, you're smart.

01:55:39.000 You should know better.

01:55:40.000 She was a NASA astronaut, and she drove across the fucking country to go whack her boyfriend's...

01:55:47.000 I think it was the boyfriend's wife.

01:55:50.000 I think she was fooling around with this guy who's married, and I think that was the story.

01:55:55.000 But that bitch and Amber Heard are cut from the same cloth.

01:55:59.000 Yo.

01:56:00.000 That's right.

01:56:01.000 See, that's the thing.

01:56:02.000 You think that smart people can't be crazy.

01:56:04.000 No, that's not true at all!

01:56:06.000 Like what we were saying earlier, like, oh, but when I grow up, I'll be normal when I grow up.

01:56:11.000 Yeah, exactly.

01:56:11.000 And you're like, oh, no, you either get more neurotic and you develop vices to cope, or you figure out your shit and you try to stay somewhat connected to reality.

01:56:22.000 There's a lot of smart people that are crazy as fuck.

01:56:25.000 Crazy as fuck.

01:56:28.000 Think of how hard it must be to become a doctor, right?

01:56:33.000 It's hard, right?

01:56:34.000 Yeah.

01:56:35.000 Super difficult.

01:56:35.000 It's like a decade of school right now.

01:56:37.000 It's a lot of work.

01:56:38.000 Now, imagine becoming a Nazi doctor.

01:56:40.000 A Nazi doctor?

01:56:41.000 Yeah, Nazis had doctors.

01:56:43.000 You know what I'm saying?

01:56:43.000 Sure, sure.

01:56:44.000 Okay, hold on.

01:56:44.000 So here you have a brilliant person who's clearly doing something evil as fuck.

01:56:49.000 It doesn't just because someone's smart doesn't mean they're good.

01:56:52.000 Well, here's the deal.

01:56:53.000 I read this book in college by Hannah Arndt called The Banality of Evil.

01:56:58.000 And they put Eichmann was on trial in Jerusalem, right?

01:57:03.000 And she's like, you know, you would expect that Eichmann, who was what his PR guy, Hitler's PR guy is like second or third in charge.

01:57:10.000 Would be this malicious, evil, malignant piece of shit, but it turns out kind of a dope.

01:57:17.000 And that evil, you know, you're not really aware that you're doing it sometimes when you're doing it, is what the point of that whole thing was, if I'm recalling correctly.

01:57:25.000 Sometimes people aren't aware.

01:57:27.000 They're just, like, following orders.

01:57:28.000 Of how fucked up it is.

01:57:28.000 Yeah, like, even now, like, if we go along with this culture of, like, I don't share the same opinion as you, you're a bad person, like, it's just an extension of that type of thinking.

01:57:38.000 Yeah, it's absolute kind of thinking.

01:57:40.000 Mm-hmm.

01:57:41.000 Mm-hmm.

01:57:42.000 You don't know.

01:57:42.000 You're just going with the flow.

01:57:44.000 Okay, I guess it's a bad thing to do.

01:57:47.000 I guess it's okay.

01:57:48.000 Well, if you just think of the horrific things that people used to do that we thought of as normal and now are atrocious.

01:57:55.000 Like putting babies out in the middle of winter, out on the landing.

01:57:59.000 You ever seen those pictures?

01:58:00.000 Yeah.

01:58:01.000 I like that one, yeah.

01:58:02.000 Well, I like that.

01:58:03.000 No, I mean, it's bizarre.

01:58:04.000 You're like, who would ever think that that's a good idea?

01:58:06.000 To put a kid out in the freezing cold.

01:58:09.000 Why did they do that?

01:58:10.000 It tired out the babies.

01:58:12.000 It was supposed to be good for them.

01:58:14.000 Made them sleep better, they said.

01:58:16.000 They're probably just finding to stay alive.

01:58:17.000 How many of those kids got eaten by wolves?

01:58:22.000 Jesus Christ, that's crazy.

01:58:23.000 That's the exact picture, yeah, that I saw on the internet.

01:58:25.000 They just like, shut the kid the fuck up and put him in a net.

01:58:28.000 I know.

01:58:29.000 Jesus Christ, that's creepy.

01:58:31.000 Yeah.

01:58:33.000 People barely knew how to raise people when our parents were being raised.

01:58:37.000 They barely knew it.

01:58:38.000 And then our parents barely knew how to raise us, and we finally have the internet to Yeah.

01:58:44.000 And psychotherapy.

01:58:45.000 Babies need to be aired.

01:58:47.000 Fresh air is required to renew and purify the blood.

01:58:50.000 And this is just as necessary for health and growth as proper food.

01:58:54.000 They sound like influencers on Instagram.

01:58:57.000 You know, like the health frauds.

01:58:59.000 You know, there's a few health frauds.

01:59:00.000 Yeah, I love those.

01:59:01.000 We need to purify the blood with meditation.

01:59:04.000 I know.

01:59:04.000 Like, I'm going to purify my blood.

01:59:07.000 By what metric?

01:59:08.000 Are you fucking measuring your blood?

01:59:10.000 And they're always in their 20s, these Instagram fitness people.

01:59:14.000 I'm like, bitch, I look that good too.

01:59:15.000 I didn't do damn fucking things.

01:59:17.000 Show me in your 50s.

01:59:18.000 It's pretty easy to look good when you're in your 20s.

01:59:21.000 Your body's firing on all cylinders.

01:59:23.000 I know.

01:59:24.000 Well, it's like, though I don't fault them for it because it's a viable way to make a living now.

01:59:31.000 Yeah.

01:59:31.000 It's like, would you rather have them being a fitness coach at Equinox, or would you rather have them on Instagram?

01:59:39.000 It's kind of...

01:59:40.000 One of them is more lucrative.

01:59:42.000 Definitely.

01:59:43.000 You could actually probably do both at the same time if the gym lets you.

01:59:46.000 But if you're one of them fitness people, you can get a few million followers on Instagram and then all of a sudden you're selling products.

01:59:53.000 Oh, yeah.

01:59:53.000 You have a fucking code.

01:59:55.000 Use my code.

01:59:57.000 They kick you back with a little piece of the action.

02:00:00.000 I know.

02:00:01.000 If you're one of those characters that sells that skinny tea or whatever the fuck they sell...

02:00:07.000 I tried that.

02:00:08.000 Is it any good?

02:00:09.000 Yeah, I don't want to say the name of the brand.

02:00:10.000 It's just fucking tea.

02:00:12.000 It's like, instead of eating compulsively, I'm going to drink tea.

02:00:16.000 And it's like, let's just drink coffee.

02:00:17.000 It's much better.

02:00:20.000 I tried a diet pill once, and I was like, oh, this is terrible.

02:00:23.000 Want some coffee?

02:00:24.000 No.

02:00:25.000 Oh, you're going to there.

02:00:27.000 Oh, shit.

02:00:28.000 Black coffee.

02:00:29.000 I like my men.

02:00:32.000 The influencer thing is, you know, I'm cool with it until you start selling skinny tea.

02:00:39.000 Okay, go ahead.

02:00:40.000 It's like, that shit does not do anything.

02:00:42.000 You know it doesn't do anything.

02:00:44.000 Yeah, or just like, yeah.

02:00:45.000 If there was a fucking tea that made you lose weight, too many people would be shredded.

02:00:50.000 I know.

02:00:51.000 They would all take it.

02:00:52.000 I know.

02:00:53.000 Why wouldn't they take it?

02:00:54.000 I heard you talking about The War of Art by Steven Pressfield, which I'm a huge fan of that book as well.

02:00:59.000 It's a great book.

02:01:00.000 Yeah.

02:01:00.000 I found it a decade ago, and it just completely, it was like, just do it.

02:01:04.000 Shut the fuck up and do it.

02:01:06.000 It's so uniquely pragmatic, the way he describes becoming a pro, sitting down, the prayer to the muse.

02:01:16.000 The muse!

02:01:17.000 Oh, I forgot about her.

02:01:19.000 Treat it like it's a real person.

02:01:21.000 There's something to that.

02:01:24.000 There's something to treating it like it's a real person.

02:01:27.000 Well, because I've learned in stand-up comedy, if I'm trying to sit down and work on a joke...

02:01:32.000 I know there are some comedians that every morning they sit up...

02:01:35.000 I want...

02:01:36.000 Light my crack pipe, too.

02:01:38.000 But the muse doesn't always show up when you want her to.

02:01:41.000 Oh!

02:01:42.000 Yeah, but...

02:01:42.000 My fucking dick fell out.

02:01:43.000 You can't worry about that.

02:01:45.000 You've got to just keep showing up.

02:01:47.000 The whole key of it is, yeah, it's not going to...

02:01:50.000 Look at you.

02:01:51.000 I turned Christina Segura into a motherfucking cigar smoker...

02:01:56.000 Bitch!

02:01:56.000 The idea is that you show up, because you're a professional, and you have days where you write.

02:02:00.000 I came home two nights ago, I wrote a bunch of nonsense.

02:02:05.000 And I tried reading it the next day, I'm like, I know what I was trying to say, but this is not good.

02:02:11.000 And I was like, okay.

02:02:12.000 Because I just came home and I was like, before I do anything, let me just get some ideas out.

02:02:16.000 See if they become a seed.

02:02:18.000 But then the unconscious will work on it, I found.

02:02:20.000 And then when it's ready, it'll come up.

02:02:23.000 But the secret is to listen to the muse.

02:02:25.000 So when she gives you the idea, respect that bitch and write it down.

02:02:30.000 Write it down.

02:02:31.000 Write it down.

02:02:31.000 And that's what I've learned over the years.

02:02:33.000 Like, oh, that's how I do it.

02:02:34.000 Don't ignore that.

02:02:35.000 Yeah, I have thoughts sometimes that I ignore.

02:02:37.000 Oh, I'll remember that.

02:02:38.000 Never.

02:02:39.000 Never remember it at all.

02:02:42.000 I'm playing a little trick on myself.

02:02:44.000 Yeah, why do we do that?

02:02:45.000 That's so lazy.

02:02:46.000 So lazy, because how much time does it take to get out of your bed, grab your phone, and write it in the notes?

02:02:52.000 I know.

02:02:53.000 And you don't even have to write anymore.

02:02:54.000 You can just press the voice thing and just start talking, and it'll transcribe what you're saying.

02:02:59.000 oh yeah yeah did you know about that i could do that no i didn't know is it in your notes check this watch you go into your notes right okay here's notes i go like that i press that button get this and i press this and i say christina segura is a bad thank you get the yeah so you instantaneously have a note Yeah.

02:03:25.000 I'm going to do that.

02:03:26.000 Yeah, and so if you have an idea that just pops into your head, you capture it.

02:03:30.000 I like that.

02:03:31.000 Yeah, and you can capture it in 10 seconds.

02:03:33.000 In 10 seconds, you could open your phone, do that, press that, and then you're recording it.

02:03:37.000 So 10 seconds later, the idea is still fresh in your head.

02:03:40.000 Just get it out.

02:03:41.000 Get it out.

02:03:42.000 And then revisit it.

02:03:43.000 Yeah.

02:03:44.000 And then you revisit.

02:03:44.000 Sometimes you revisit it like, oh, I forgot about this.

02:03:47.000 I love that.

02:03:48.000 Me too.

02:03:48.000 I love that.

02:03:49.000 I have so many journals.

02:03:51.000 There has to be a better way.

02:03:52.000 But I still like old school.

02:03:54.000 I have to write it down.

02:03:55.000 I don't like to type.

02:03:57.000 And then I look at it.

02:03:58.000 Sometimes a joke can take me seven years to write.

02:04:03.000 There was a problem with that.

02:04:05.000 There's a couple of problems.

02:04:07.000 One problem is you have to have the notebook.

02:04:09.000 With writing it out?

02:04:10.000 Yeah.

02:04:10.000 I know!

02:04:11.000 But there's also this thing, what is it called, Remarkable?

02:04:14.000 Where it's a tablet, I haven't used it, but it's a tablet that you write on and it has the feeling of texture of paper.

02:04:22.000 And then it uploads it.

02:04:24.000 Ooh, I want that.

02:04:25.000 And it uploads it into your computer.

02:04:27.000 And I think it can also turn into a text file.

02:04:30.000 So it can turn it and change it from your handwriting and your script into text.

02:04:37.000 Is that what it is?

02:04:38.000 Have you ever used it, Jamie?

02:04:39.000 You had it for a while?

02:04:40.000 Yep.

02:04:41.000 Everybody says it's correct.

02:04:42.000 How is it?

02:04:43.000 It's good.

02:04:43.000 The purposes you just said are what it's for.

02:04:47.000 Show us what it looks like.

02:04:49.000 The thing that I find for sure is that when I physically write things down like that, I remember better.

02:04:57.000 So what I do is I use index cards in my green room and I write things on the index cards.

02:05:04.000 And I also use notebooks where I write down the bits in the notebooks.

02:05:07.000 So I write down my bits, even though I know my bits, I write them out.

02:05:10.000 I just write them out.

02:05:11.000 So they're like, before the show, I just have it 100% dialed in in my head where there's no thought whatsoever about what I want to talk about.

02:05:18.000 Just go out there and flow.

02:05:19.000 But what are the index cards for?

02:05:20.000 Sometimes I want to put it in order.

02:05:22.000 I just want to write it out.

02:05:24.000 I got that idea from Kevin James.

02:05:26.000 You know why?

02:05:26.000 Because Kevin James and I had the same writer.

02:05:29.000 Because I'm lazy.

02:05:31.000 And he wanted M&Ms and certain fucking this and that.

02:05:34.000 And I go, I don't give a shit.

02:05:36.000 They go, what's your writer?

02:05:37.000 I go, I don't give a fuck.

02:05:39.000 Water.

02:05:39.000 I don't know.

02:05:40.000 And so she goes, I'll just use Kevin's rider.

02:05:42.000 So I got all this stuff.

02:05:44.000 I got like red wine and like a meat platter and fruit.

02:05:47.000 I was like, oh, this is fucking cool.

02:05:49.000 Like index cards and Sharpies, huh?

02:05:52.000 What does he use those for?

02:05:53.000 So I used Kevin James's rider and then I started opening up index cards.

02:05:57.000 I was like, what a great idea.

02:05:58.000 Just write out your fucking, your premises and like set it down and look at it before the show.

02:06:02.000 That's brilliant.

02:06:03.000 That's great.

02:06:03.000 That's a great idea.

02:06:04.000 That's brilliant.

02:06:05.000 Because I remember my jokes, how I write the setlist out.

02:06:08.000 Like when I'm on stage, I literally can see the writing.

02:06:11.000 Yeah.

02:06:11.000 And I go, oh, I know that's the next bit, but I like index cards.

02:06:14.000 The writing, the physical writing is different than the typing.

02:06:18.000 But for getting down an idea, there's nothing better than the typing.

02:06:22.000 What I do is write with a computer, and then I take it and I'll copy and paste it into something else, or whether it's Scrivener or whether it's Notes, and then I'll write it out when I'm going to do it on stage.

02:06:37.000 I'll write out the bit.

02:06:39.000 I'll write out all the key points.

02:06:41.000 Because I can do it without that, but it's...

02:06:44.000 I think it's the best way to do it.

02:06:46.000 There's some things where you go, okay, am I avoiding this because it's more work or am I avoiding it because it's unnecessary?

02:06:53.000 And it's hard to figure out what's what sometimes because you kind of play games with yourself.

02:06:58.000 But if I'm being honest with myself, the more work I do in terms of paying attention to it, writing it out, looking at it, the more the better.

02:07:06.000 So the three-step process to coming up with the idea and then to writing it out like in a computer, like in Microsoft Word or something, to taking that and then writing that on a piece of paper.

02:07:19.000 Yeah, that's funny.

02:07:20.000 I do very similar.

02:07:21.000 Because I got a Google Doc that just like is a running, it's like a million pages of jokes.

02:07:26.000 But then I will take what's going to happen on stage in a notebook.

02:07:30.000 Oh, that's good.

02:07:30.000 So do you write the actual jokes on paper and then you print it out later in a Google Doc?

02:07:36.000 Sometimes.

02:07:37.000 And then I'll look at the Google Doc and I'll be like, oh, that's interesting.

02:07:39.000 That's funny.

02:07:40.000 But whatever makes it to handwritten is what makes it to stage.

02:07:44.000 And then I do keywords so I don't do the whole sentence so that I can memorize.

02:07:49.000 Like fart, cum, you know, whatever.

02:07:52.000 Fart or cum.

02:07:54.000 Stupid, yeah.

02:07:55.000 It's so crazy because I can memorize an hour of jokes, but like dialogue, like if someone give me a script, I can't do it.

02:08:04.000 Because you're completely connected to your material.

02:08:06.000 It's like your world view.

02:08:08.000 So this is the thing about comedy.

02:08:10.000 It's like there's a lot of different kinds of comedy.

02:08:13.000 You know, there's like set up punchline, fake jokes, comedy.

02:08:16.000 There's But then there's, here's the world through my eyes.

02:08:18.000 Yeah.

02:08:19.000 And that's what you're doing.

02:08:20.000 Right.

02:08:20.000 So of course you can remember it.

02:08:22.000 Yeah, it's 100% you.

02:08:23.000 Yeah.

02:08:24.000 And it's like, oh, I can, and I can even, like, new ones I write, I can be like, oh yeah, that's going to come out.

02:08:29.000 It's such a fun craft.

02:08:31.000 It's the best.

02:08:31.000 I know, I'm so like, I just hope I get to do more specials, you know?

02:08:35.000 I love, I love it.

02:08:36.000 You know what's so funny?

02:08:38.000 I saw you in like 2000, I don't know, 18, I think I was pregnant, or before I got pregnant, and you were like, you should have a special.

02:08:47.000 And I was like, oh yeah, I should have a special.

02:08:50.000 And then I started to work on it, but it was because you said I should.

02:08:54.000 It hadn't occurred to me until you said it.

02:08:57.000 That doesn't make any sense.

02:08:58.000 Why it hadn't occurred to you?

02:08:59.000 You're such a fucking idiot, because I was like...

02:09:01.000 But that's one of the reasons why you're so funny.

02:09:02.000 Oh, thanks.

02:09:03.000 Because you're not completely career-obsessed.

02:09:05.000 You are obsessed with things being funny.

02:09:08.000 But you have this weird part of you that's not totally that...

02:09:11.000 You're not hyper-ambitious, but you're really, really focused on being really funny.

02:09:20.000 Isn't that the most important?

02:09:22.000 It is the most important.

02:09:23.000 I love Bill Hicks.

02:09:24.000 I love Bill Hicks.

02:09:27.000 And he was always like, if you build it, they will come.

02:09:29.000 He always said that, just be funny.

02:09:32.000 The agents, everything will come.

02:09:34.000 And I don't think you should ever chase the industry.

02:09:36.000 Don't ever chase them.

02:09:37.000 No, you can't because then you get the ones that don't really want you and they don't do a good job.

02:09:42.000 The relationship that an artist has to representation is very important because you have to be able to trust them.

02:09:48.000 Yeah.

02:09:49.000 It's like one of the reasons why I got those folks that used to work at the Comedy Store to come work here in Austin is because I trust them.

02:09:55.000 They're all good people.

02:09:55.000 I know them well.

02:09:56.000 It's like, these are good people.

02:09:58.000 I can think about other things.

02:10:00.000 I don't want to think about that.

02:10:01.000 Let me think about other things.

02:10:02.000 So if you have a manager and an agent, you can't have a manager and an agent that doesn't really give a fuck about you.

02:10:08.000 It's the worst.

02:10:09.000 It's a bad relationship.

02:10:10.000 It's a bad relationship.

02:10:11.000 I know.

02:10:12.000 It's like the dude that you're always chasing.

02:10:13.000 Like me, love me, love me, love me.

02:10:14.000 But in the beginning when people are open micers, that's all they get.

02:10:18.000 I know.

02:10:18.000 Because those are the only people that are interested.

02:10:19.000 And they might want you to sign some 10 year deal where they get 50% of your podcast.

02:10:23.000 You know they're doing that?

02:10:24.000 What?

02:10:25.000 Yeah.

02:10:25.000 Yeah, they're doing that.

02:10:26.000 That's crazy.

02:10:27.000 Yeah.

02:10:27.000 There's some sleazy fucking managers that are not just getting a piece of the standup career that they can enhance, but they're also getting a piece of the podcast.

02:10:35.000 Nah.

02:10:36.000 And they do nothing to help that.

02:10:38.000 No, they do nothing to help.

02:10:40.000 Yeah.

02:10:40.000 I mean, it's really dark.

02:10:42.000 It's dark stuff.

02:10:43.000 It is dark.

02:10:43.000 Well, what's so crazy to me is, like, why haven't agencies built a podcasting division where they sell ads?

02:10:50.000 Like, really?

02:10:50.000 You guys are that fucking far behind?

02:10:52.000 Some of them do.

02:10:52.000 They are starting to do that now.

02:10:53.000 Oh, good.

02:10:54.000 But, you know, I should be clear.

02:10:55.000 Some managers will help your podcast.

02:10:57.000 Some managers will help you get guests, and they'll help do things, and they're business partners.

02:11:03.000 They work with you, and they deserve a piece of the action.

02:11:06.000 But that's not what most of them are doing.

02:11:08.000 What most of them are doing, they send you fucking auditions to some sitcom you don't really want to do, and they collect all your road money.

02:11:14.000 Oh, that's the worst.

02:11:16.000 I had that totally.

02:11:17.000 They collect 10% of your road money, and then they collect your podcast money, and they're not helping.

02:11:21.000 That's the worst.

02:11:22.000 Because you are getting everything from you being more and more successful on podcasts and in your career growing and then putting stuff on YouTube and what have you and then eventually doing bigger and bigger theater shows and you still have the same manager who doesn't do a goddamn thing and tells you Full House is going to be,

02:11:38.000 you know, now that Saget's dead, they're looking for a guy.

02:11:41.000 You're like right about to go on stage in Denver like what the fuck are you talking about man?

02:11:45.000 And you can't believe you're paying that guy.

02:11:47.000 You know?

02:11:48.000 That's a lot of the relationships that managers have with comedians in this day and age.

02:11:53.000 But there's great, my manager's amazing.

02:11:55.000 Yes, I like her very much.

02:11:57.000 Chandra and Jeff, the two of them work together and they're the best ever.

02:12:01.000 And I'm so fortunate I have this amazing relationship with them where they're my friends.

02:12:05.000 I care about them very deeply.

02:12:06.000 I love them to death.

02:12:08.000 So it's not like, it's never like some question as to whether or not I'll be working with them.

02:12:15.000 But they love you too.

02:12:17.000 Shandra loves you.

02:12:18.000 I've talked to her and she's like, they're all in.

02:12:21.000 Like you've got a great team.

02:12:22.000 It does take a team of people to manage the career if you find the right.

02:12:27.000 You've got to have that in life, too.

02:12:29.000 Yeah, yeah.

02:12:29.000 Friends.

02:12:30.000 You know, it's one of the beautiful things about this group of people that we all hang out with is that everyone is really supportive.

02:12:35.000 Yeah.

02:12:36.000 And everyone's genuinely friendly and everyone's killing it.

02:12:39.000 I know.

02:12:40.000 That's part of the thing.

02:12:42.000 It's like the more people around you are killing it, the more it's better for everybody.

02:12:45.000 I know.

02:12:46.000 Yeah, I was just thinking last night, like, about my husband, how Tom Segura was never bad at stand-up.

02:12:55.000 It's like, I met him, he was 23, and I was 26, and we were both open micers, and, like, he was so good.

02:13:03.000 And I ran the show at Tangier, and I would have Tommy close out all the shows, and it's, like, Ryan Sickler, Matt Fulchron, Tom Segura.

02:13:12.000 Full Charge.

02:13:13.000 Full Charge.

02:13:13.000 Yeah, like...

02:13:14.000 All these bros that I still kick it with today and like everybody's just...

02:13:19.000 I haven't seen Full Charge in forever.

02:13:20.000 We just got married.

02:13:21.000 Matt got married?

02:13:22.000 Yeah.

02:13:22.000 Shout out to Matt.

02:13:23.000 Okay.

02:13:24.000 Send him a gift.

02:13:27.000 But it's cool.

02:13:28.000 It's really something special to watch all these kids.

02:13:30.000 Like we grew up, we were just kids in Los Feliz.

02:13:33.000 And like now we're all adults, dude.

02:13:36.000 Doing this thing.

02:13:36.000 It's rad.

02:13:37.000 With families.

02:13:39.000 Yeah.

02:13:39.000 Netflix deals.

02:13:41.000 What?

02:13:42.000 Podcast studios.

02:13:43.000 Who?

02:13:44.000 Weird.

02:13:45.000 What?

02:13:45.000 Strange.

02:13:46.000 It's awesome.

02:13:48.000 Yeah, it's a weird life.

02:13:50.000 But at the end of the day, I was having this conversation last night with William Montgomery.

02:13:55.000 Because William Montgomery did shows with Tony Hinchcliffe in Phoenix last week.

02:13:59.000 And I dropped in.

02:14:00.000 I did guest sets on Tony's show.

02:14:02.000 It was fun.

02:14:03.000 I love Tony.

02:14:04.000 He's such a good writer.

02:14:05.000 Talk about a killer joke.

02:14:07.000 He's brilliant.

02:14:09.000 I'm worried that one day I'm not going to be able to take Tony on the road with me.

02:14:12.000 He's going to be too big.

02:14:13.000 I'm not kidding.

02:14:14.000 It's going to happen.

02:14:15.000 He's going to happen.

02:14:17.000 The Kill Tony show when he just shits on people.

02:14:21.000 He's the best.

02:14:22.000 His off-the-cuff jokes are so brilliant.

02:14:25.000 It's like a team of writers sat down with it for an hour and a half.

02:14:28.000 Meanwhile, he bangs it out in a half a second.

02:14:30.000 No, he's genius.

02:14:31.000 He's a genius roaster.

02:14:33.000 I think he's the best roaster alive.

02:14:35.000 I really do.

02:14:35.000 And he's just the funniest as a host of a show, like that Kill Tony show.

02:14:40.000 He's the funniest guy.

02:14:41.000 He's so quick.

02:14:43.000 Remember when we were at the Vulcan and some stupid bitch popped off in the front and Tony just fucking hammered her and went after her?

02:14:51.000 I remember it.

02:14:52.000 It happened again last night.

02:14:54.000 You mean last night?

02:14:55.000 Last night it happened last night.

02:14:57.000 Yeah, so people got kicked out in the front row and Tony was eviscerating them.

02:15:00.000 I love that shit.

02:15:02.000 But we all ran out, you know, like fucking...

02:15:04.000 It sounds like we were at the comedy store, like in the back of the OR or some shit.

02:15:09.000 Like, oh, something's happening, dude!

02:15:10.000 You know, we all like ran out.

02:15:12.000 It was like the old days.

02:15:13.000 It felt so good.

02:15:14.000 Some people just need to learn about marijuana and stop drinking so much goddamn vodka before shows.

02:15:19.000 Yeah, people get all ripped.

02:15:21.000 They get too ripped and then they think they're a part of the show.

02:15:23.000 And it's just because they're drunk.

02:15:25.000 Sorry, I derailed your point.

02:15:26.000 I don't have one.

02:15:27.000 Oh, okay.

02:15:28.000 What was it?

02:15:28.000 What was I saying?

02:15:31.000 What day is it?

02:15:32.000 Who are we?

02:15:34.000 Oh, we're talking to William Montgomery about it.

02:15:35.000 So William Montgomery and Hans Kim, too.

02:15:39.000 We do these shows all the time at the Vulcan.

02:15:42.000 And then I take them with me on the road sometimes.

02:15:45.000 Like, I've taken Hans to arenas.

02:15:47.000 We did Fort Worth.

02:15:48.000 We did this gigantic arena in Fort Worth.

02:15:51.000 Brand new arena.

02:15:52.000 It was amazing.

02:15:53.000 And Hans fucking killed it.

02:15:55.000 And I was telling him, I'm like, it's the same thing, man.

02:15:58.000 We're all doing the same thing.

02:15:59.000 You're just...

02:16:00.000 Every day is just make the bits better.

02:16:03.000 Every day.

02:16:04.000 Whether you're here or there.

02:16:05.000 So I'm gonna take you with me to these places.

02:16:07.000 You can see this, and then you'll see a club.

02:16:09.000 I'll take you to a club, too.

02:16:10.000 We'll do little clubs, little 200-seaters.

02:16:12.000 And then we'll do a 1600-seater.

02:16:14.000 And then we'll do this, and then we'll do that.

02:16:15.000 We'll do an arena.

02:16:16.000 It's the same goddamn thing as the Vulcan on a Tuesday night.

02:16:19.000 We're just trying to kill.

02:16:20.000 You're just trying to tighten those bits up, and you're trying to give the people the best possible experience that you can give them.

02:16:27.000 I agree, and especially...

02:16:29.000 What are you writing?

02:16:31.000 Because I have points, and then I fucking forget them, and I'm like, oh, I want to say...

02:16:36.000 I get all my brain...

02:16:37.000 You've written down more than any scientist who has ever been on this podcast.

02:16:42.000 The fucking phthalate lady.

02:16:44.000 I'm like, I'm just a fucking idiot, because I forget the...

02:16:48.000 I forgot my...

02:16:50.000 Oh, I'm sorry.

02:16:51.000 I'm sorry.

02:16:52.000 What was I saying?

02:16:53.000 Here's a point.

02:16:54.000 Okay, here's a point.

02:16:55.000 Okay.

02:16:55.000 There's two points to this.

02:16:57.000 You said you had to work it out.

02:16:59.000 I love the process of grinding and working and finding the bit.

02:17:02.000 I'm obsessed with this process and I'm obsessed with failure because that's how the best...

02:17:07.000 And I don't even see it as failure.

02:17:09.000 It's just like, oh, okay, let's go, let's go, let's go, pushing boundaries.

02:17:13.000 But number two, and I think what was so valuable and so amazing about you...

02:17:19.000 And watching you is that you have to see it in order to go, oh, I could fucking do that, too, until you see a successful comedian and you're like, oh, dude, oh, okay, that's the road.

02:17:31.000 I can do that.

02:17:32.000 Then, boom, like, you're there, you know?

02:17:35.000 Yeah.

02:17:35.000 You have to be able to see.

02:17:36.000 So it's good that you're taking this kid and going, like, here's an arena.

02:17:39.000 Here's a 200-seater.

02:17:40.000 Here's da-da-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba.

02:17:41.000 Yeah, well that's what I did with Ari and Duncan and all those guys too.

02:17:44.000 It's like, take them all, Joey, just take them to everywhere.

02:17:48.000 Like, guys.

02:17:50.000 And also, it's a beautiful sort of system of support that we have for each other.

02:17:55.000 It's very beneficial to everybody.

02:17:57.000 It's very beneficial to me.

02:17:58.000 It's beneficial to them.

02:18:00.000 It's beneficial to me to watch them do well and to be able to see them come back to a place and headline after they work with me.

02:18:07.000 And start doing theaters on their own and doing clubs on their own and killing it.

02:18:13.000 The art form is fragile and there's not a lot of us.

02:18:18.000 No.

02:18:18.000 I think the more we support each other and the more we realize that a lot of disputes that comics have with each other are bullshit.

02:18:26.000 They're not necessary.

02:18:28.000 They can be talked out.

02:18:29.000 Really, we should be concentrated on trying to help this very fragile art form.

02:18:37.000 I mean, there's more comics now than I think than ever because of the internet, because of shows like Kill Tony and all these shows where you get to see on people's Instagram pages them doing open mic sets.

02:18:47.000 People are pretty brave.

02:18:48.000 They're putting open mic sets on their Instagram pages.

02:18:51.000 I would rather fucking die.

02:18:53.000 Yeah.

02:18:53.000 I mean, imagine if you had some of that stuff from day four of you doing comedy.

02:18:58.000 I'm so mortified by even my first album, comedy.

02:19:01.000 I'm like, oh god, I sound terrible.

02:19:03.000 I'm so embarrassed.

02:19:04.000 But because of that, there's a lot of people doing it now.

02:19:07.000 But it's still not that...

02:19:08.000 It's hard.

02:19:09.000 It's hard to run a club.

02:19:10.000 It's hard to run a club and have it be profitable without big names coming in all the time.

02:19:15.000 It's hard to be a comic and make a living and figure out a way to feed yourself while you're trying to advance in comedy.

02:19:22.000 You're not exactly sure how to advance.

02:19:24.000 You don't have a manager and you don't have an agent.

02:19:26.000 You're still writing, but you get depressed.

02:19:29.000 We need support.

02:19:30.000 It's a mind game.

02:19:31.000 It's a whole fucking...

02:19:31.000 Well, and here's the deal, man.

02:19:34.000 From what I've been talking to clubs and stuff, because I bring Chase O'Donnell with me.

02:19:38.000 She's my feature act.

02:19:39.000 And I love Chase because she's different than me.

02:19:43.000 She's not snarky and sarcastic and there's no jokes like, I got anal from my boyfriend.

02:19:50.000 I sucked a dick.

02:19:50.000 Like, I'm so fucking over that.

02:19:52.000 I hate it.

02:19:53.000 Is that really common?

02:19:54.000 Oh, yeah.

02:19:55.000 Like, I'm over it.

02:19:56.000 It's just not my steez, dude.

02:19:58.000 But I talk to these clubs and they're like, yeah, we don't support, they don't support feature acts anymore.

02:20:03.000 There's no culture of like, yeah, we'll put the feature up and we'll pay them peanuts, but they'll have a place to stay.

02:20:10.000 They don't even do that anymore?

02:20:11.000 No.

02:20:12.000 So what you're saying about this being a fragile art form, you're 100% accurate because there's no system other than the headliner bringing some lucky few along.

02:20:23.000 How do we keep this art form going?

02:20:27.000 Well, we have to make sure we have open mics.

02:20:29.000 That's very important.

02:20:30.000 Open mics are very important.

02:20:31.000 Community is very important.

02:20:32.000 And having some sort of logical progression to professionalism.

02:20:38.000 You have to have a logical progression to you get a certain amount of time and you hone that time and maybe you can open up for somebody.

02:20:45.000 Your jokes are tight.

02:20:45.000 And then the person takes you in the road and you should make enough money to eat and to fucking pay your rent.

02:20:53.000 You know, it's a thing.

02:20:55.000 And then you try to figure out how to become a national touring act.

02:21:00.000 And there's like, you opened for this guy, opened up for Burt in Cincinnati, and you contact the club owner, and they see you, and they go, how much time do you have?

02:21:08.000 You're like, well, I've done 45, but you really only have 30. Of course.

02:21:11.000 Oh my God, yeah.

02:21:12.000 And then you make your way in, and it's a long process.

02:21:15.000 It's a long process.

02:21:16.000 And you have to do it right, because if you show up in Seattle and you bomb, everyone's going to know.

02:21:20.000 That's it.

02:21:21.000 Yeah, they're going to go, oh, we had him headlined and he didn't sell any tickets and he ate shit on stage and couldn't follow the middle act.

02:21:27.000 See, that's funny because I thought that was just me being like, oh, I'm a woman so I have to fucking kill because if I don't kill they're going to say, oh, it's because she's a girl and I put that added pressure.

02:21:35.000 There's definitely that though.

02:21:36.000 There's that too.

02:21:37.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

02:21:38.000 100% there's an added difficulty level for females.

02:21:42.000 I had this conversation back in the day with Judy Gold because I did this article for Playboy where I talked about it and I said it's harder for women.

02:21:48.000 Anybody says it's not, you're not being honest.

02:21:50.000 It's harder because men don't want to hear women talk about politics.

02:21:54.000 They don't want to hear them tell people what they should and shouldn't be doing.

02:21:57.000 They don't want to hear them talking about sex.

02:22:00.000 So it's hard.

02:22:01.000 So you either have to be kind of gross, so when you talk about sex, it's funny, or you've got to be hot and you're luring people in with your sex jokes.

02:22:11.000 It's harder.

02:22:13.000 And there's a certain expectation of you being unfunny.

02:22:17.000 Watch this.

02:22:18.000 Watch this.

02:22:18.000 What are you writing?

02:22:19.000 Write it down.

02:22:20.000 So what I found is...

02:22:22.000 Sorry, I'm two whole glasses of white wine in.

02:22:25.000 Woo!

02:22:26.000 Yeah, we're a couple of old ladies in the suburbs.

02:22:28.000 Woo!

02:22:28.000 Yeah, dog.

02:22:29.000 We're at brunch.

02:22:30.000 Yeah, for sure.

02:22:30.000 This is like the best thing I've ever done.

02:22:32.000 I'm out of my fucking house.

02:22:33.000 So what I found is, personally, Janine Garofalo had this great saying.

02:22:37.000 She goes, men in the audience, they have to figure out whether they want to fight you or fuck you.

02:22:41.000 Mm.

02:22:42.000 And there's some truth in that.

02:22:44.000 That's very true.

02:22:45.000 Yeah, but I also think there's truth in being an archetype.

02:22:49.000 So you're either a whore, which is what you're saying, like, I'm going to talk about sucking dicks and anal, which is fine, right?

02:22:55.000 Or you're the mother or the sister.

02:22:57.000 Now, I might be projecting my own stuff into the world, but I found that once I became a mother, I slid into that archetype very well.

02:23:05.000 Right.

02:23:05.000 Very comfortably.

02:23:06.000 Right.

02:23:07.000 I'm attractive enough that you don't mind looking at me.

02:23:11.000 Right.

02:23:13.000 But I'm not like the hottie-tottie 20-something, so there's no real danger that your husband's going to run away with me.

02:23:18.000 Right, right, right, right, right.

02:23:20.000 And I'm talking about motherhood, which is a subject, like you said, nobody wants to hear me talk about my opinion.

02:23:26.000 You're absolutely right.

02:23:26.000 It's funny because my husband and I can do the same bit and a totally different response.

02:23:33.000 Now, I'm not saying there's delivery, there's persona, but I think it's the meat shell that you're in dictates what you can get away with.

02:23:39.000 Now, that being said...

02:23:42.000 I got a fucking license to ill.

02:23:43.000 I can say crazy shit.

02:23:45.000 That's true, too.

02:23:45.000 Can you imagine this sweet little blonde white lady is talking crazy shit?

02:23:50.000 What are you talking about?

02:23:51.000 It's a great license.

02:23:52.000 It's a license to ill.

02:23:54.000 No one's...

02:23:54.000 I mean, hey, cut this shit out.

02:23:57.000 I mean, I don't want this to attract people.

02:23:59.000 There's a lot of people that are...

02:24:00.000 You want some more of that, Mommy?

02:24:02.000 Oh, see?

02:24:03.000 You're doing it now.

02:24:04.000 How easy was it?

02:24:05.000 Easy.

02:24:06.000 You're stopping?

02:24:07.000 I already had a bunch.

02:24:08.000 Don't worry.

02:24:09.000 I got a little in here.

02:24:10.000 You fucking faded?

02:24:10.000 Cheers, bro.

02:24:11.000 Let's get ripped, homie.

02:24:12.000 I'll switch to whiskey.

02:24:12.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

02:24:13.000 I smoked weed, too.

02:24:15.000 I lost your fanny pack.

02:24:16.000 I had it for so long ago.

02:24:17.000 I got another one for you.

02:24:18.000 I got another one for you.

02:24:19.000 I loved that one.

02:24:22.000 There's a difficulty with some guys.

02:24:24.000 Some guys, Janine Garofalo's right about that, that a lot of guys have that.

02:24:28.000 It's a good generalization.

02:24:30.000 But there's some guys that are like Hannah Gadsby fans.

02:24:33.000 Some guys are really into being flogged.

02:24:39.000 Some guys are really into hating being a man.

02:24:42.000 There's all kinds of people out there.

02:24:44.000 Self-hating.

02:24:44.000 There's self-hating males.

02:24:45.000 There's that.

02:24:46.000 There's guys that just like women stuff.

02:24:48.000 They like women doing stuff.

02:24:49.000 They like women doing stand-up.

02:24:51.000 Can I tell you, before we shit on those guys, I love those guys.

02:24:55.000 Because 20 years ago, when Mommy was starting her career...

02:24:58.000 You needed those guys.

02:24:58.000 I love those guys.

02:25:00.000 When I started my career, it was Florida.

02:25:01.000 I don't mind those guys, no.

02:25:02.000 Yeah, come to my shows.

02:25:03.000 They just like Mommy.

02:25:04.000 They love Mommy.

02:25:05.000 I was doing Florida gigs.

02:25:08.000 I was doing...

02:25:09.000 You ever do Marco Island, where they're cracking seafood, cracking open the crabs, and you're...

02:25:14.000 I'd go up to a bunch of old fat white guys with their arms folded and I would have to win them over.

02:25:18.000 Yeah, you're going to love me.

02:25:19.000 And they did.

02:25:20.000 Fine.

02:25:20.000 I learned my tricks.

02:25:21.000 But I love this new crop.

02:25:23.000 These young boys in their 20s think it's perfectly normal that a woman will tell jokes.

02:25:29.000 Because they grew up on podcasts.

02:25:31.000 They grew up on...

02:25:32.000 Do you think there's more good women comedians now?

02:25:37.000 I think it's harder for women to become good comedians.

02:25:40.000 Yes.

02:25:41.000 Than ever?

02:25:42.000 It's harder now.

02:25:43.000 But it's always harder than it is for men, in my opinion.

02:25:46.000 Well, because the life is hard.

02:25:47.000 So I grew up with not a lot of frilly comfort.

02:25:52.000 So it didn't bother me to live out of a suitcase.

02:25:54.000 You stay in a shitty motel.

02:25:56.000 You eat shitty food.

02:25:57.000 You don't know where you're going to be the next day.

02:25:59.000 All these things I was fine with.

02:26:01.000 A lot of women, it's very rough to live the road life.

02:26:04.000 You need your lighter, mommy?

02:26:05.000 It's not an easy life to become a feature act.

02:26:08.000 It's extremely tough.

02:26:10.000 And when you're a woman and you're on the road like that, I'm sure you feel vulnerable.

02:26:13.000 And then you're also not getting enough money to really sustain yourself like this.

02:26:18.000 This is just a bridge.

02:26:20.000 The middle life days are like a test to see if you will graduate to headliner.

02:26:25.000 Yes.

02:26:26.000 And you have to do a lot of that work.

02:26:27.000 You have to pursue gigs.

02:26:29.000 You have to try to get headliner gigs.

02:26:31.000 You have to contact people or have a manager that contacts people.

02:26:34.000 And you have to be able to put in the time at the clubs to develop a real act that you could actually sell as a headliner so that when you go and you do well, they want you to come again.

02:26:42.000 You have to be able to do good on the radio.

02:26:44.000 You get in the morning radio and you come in and talk shit.

02:26:46.000 And that's kind of dead.

02:26:47.000 Oh, thank God morning radios did.

02:26:49.000 Wasn't that the fucking worst thing on the wall?

02:26:51.000 You need something if you don't have a podcast.

02:26:53.000 If you don't have a podcast and you don't have a social media presence, you need something.

02:26:57.000 Because that's what the clubs are booking now, I hear, is just the person that on TikTok, they have a million followers.

02:27:03.000 And that's cool, but what's the act?

02:27:06.000 They're just doing whatever they can to fill the place, right?

02:27:09.000 You got to think of a comedy club that had to go through the pandemic and, you know, how many of them were shut down.

02:27:16.000 That's true.

02:27:16.000 When I went to Stand Up Live this past weekend with Tony, first of all, amazing fucking place.

02:27:21.000 It's a great venue.

02:27:22.000 It's a great venue.

02:27:23.000 It was so good.

02:27:24.000 They put my picture up there.

02:27:25.000 That's why I like it.

02:27:25.000 I like it.

02:27:26.000 But I've been working for Joel for decades.

02:27:29.000 But the thing about it is that, like, when you get to a place like that, you realize, like, It's hard to keep a place like this open.

02:27:39.000 You have all these employees.

02:27:41.000 This is a 600-seat venue.

02:27:42.000 How much money did it cost them when they were shut down?

02:27:45.000 I mean, fortunately for them, they're in Arizona, so they weren't really shut down that long.

02:27:49.000 I think they had like 50% seating for a while.

02:27:52.000 Remember there was like weird rules?

02:27:54.000 You had to wear a mask.

02:27:55.000 My favorite is let's put the plastic thing in between you and the next person and then COVID knows it can't go this way.

02:28:03.000 It has to go.

02:28:03.000 It can't go that way.

02:28:04.000 Go around.

02:28:05.000 Go around.

02:28:07.000 When I see that show, I'm like, really?

02:28:11.000 Arizona's a weird place.

02:28:13.000 They're a little loose down there.

02:28:15.000 So I think they probably weren't as bad off as the store.

02:28:20.000 The store was shut down for a long fucking time.

02:28:22.000 A full year.

02:28:23.000 California got fucked.

02:28:26.000 They got fucked by bureaucrats.

02:28:28.000 They got fucked by poor decision making.

02:28:30.000 They got fucked by poor planning.

02:28:32.000 Poor understanding of what it requires to keep a business open.

02:28:36.000 It breaks my heart because I'm an Angeleno.

02:28:38.000 I grew up in Los Angeles.

02:28:39.000 I love LA. It's the fifth largest economy in the world.

02:28:45.000 In the world.

02:28:46.000 And I was just there.

02:28:47.000 I did a festival and the night of my...

02:28:52.000 I did the Regent Theater in downtown LA and I get a phone call on the way and my agent is like, okay, there's a hostage situation.

02:29:00.000 There's a man holding another man hostage.

02:29:02.000 Traffic will open up in an hour.

02:29:04.000 It'll be fine.

02:29:04.000 I'm like, What?

02:29:05.000 In an hour, they're so calm.

02:29:08.000 Yeah, and then Chappelle got assaulted that night, too.

02:29:10.000 I'm like, What is happening, dude?

02:29:12.000 Los Angeles is a sketchy fucking place now.

02:29:15.000 And they're going to have to figure out how they can mitigate what they did during the pandemic and then the natural progression of homelessness and crime and defunding the police and all the chaos that came out of the George Floyd riots.

02:29:28.000 They've got to do something.

02:29:29.000 It's going the wrong way, and it's going the wrong way.

02:29:32.000 You can watch it progress.

02:29:34.000 You can look at the charts, the crime and the violence and all the things that are up, the burglaries and home invasions.

02:29:40.000 They're all up.

02:29:40.000 I know.

02:29:41.000 It's not good.

02:29:42.000 It's not a good trend.

02:29:43.000 They're letting people out of jail early.

02:29:45.000 They're putting people back on the streets after they've committed violent crimes.

02:29:49.000 It's not good.

02:29:50.000 It's not good.

02:29:52.000 They didn't manage it well during the pandemic, and they're not managing it well now.

02:29:56.000 The problem is they're also trapped in this ideology of progressiveness.

02:30:03.000 Progressives want everyone...

02:30:06.000 To recognize that there's inequality everywhere, and we have to take that into consideration when we're prosecuting people and arresting people.

02:30:14.000 Yes, sort of, but you also have to fucking stop crime.

02:30:17.000 You can't allow people, because crime begets more crime.

02:30:20.000 People get excited about it.

02:30:22.000 It's a beacon.

02:30:22.000 Yeah.

02:30:22.000 Hey, look, you can hit a comet?

02:30:24.000 Great.

02:30:24.000 Will Smith did it.

02:30:26.000 Now, someone else is going to do it to Chappelle, right?

02:30:28.000 Yeah.

02:30:28.000 The idea.

02:30:29.000 The guy literally tweeted, Chappelle, you're next.

02:30:33.000 I didn't know that.

02:30:34.000 Yeah, he tweeted that.

02:30:36.000 With they, them as his pronoun.

02:30:39.000 Chappelle, you're next.

02:30:40.000 He said it.

02:30:40.000 He made a tweet.

02:30:42.000 They tweeted that?

02:30:44.000 Yeah, they did that.

02:30:45.000 I like that.

02:30:46.000 The world's not fair, but it's not fair in some ways that at least are manageable.

02:30:55.000 They should manage them better.

02:30:57.000 All the fucking resources we're pumping into Ukraine, where did we get that money?

02:31:02.000 How come you didn't fix all this shit?

02:31:04.000 Where the fuck did you get four billion dollars?

02:31:07.000 We could have used that to make the education system better in this country.

02:31:10.000 All these years we weren't going to war with Ukraine or with Russia.

02:31:14.000 Imagine that if they just all of a sudden have filled four billion dollars.

02:31:16.000 Where did you get it?

02:31:18.000 What about the schools?

02:31:19.000 The schools, they're eating fucking toast.

02:31:22.000 These kids have no food.

02:31:24.000 They have terrible lunches.

02:31:25.000 Not nutritious at all.

02:31:27.000 Where's the money from?

02:31:28.000 Where's your money from?

02:31:30.000 Where's that money coming from?

02:31:31.000 I don't know.

02:31:31.000 But what I have learned living here in Texas is that we don't like government involved in our shit.

02:31:38.000 That's for sure.

02:31:39.000 Well, Texas has sort of this history of independence because it wasn't even a part of the union originally.

02:31:46.000 I know.

02:31:46.000 I like that.

02:31:47.000 That's why it's the Lone Star State.

02:31:49.000 Didn't it secede at one point?

02:31:51.000 I don't know if it seceded, but there was a rough go of it.

02:31:55.000 You know, there was a rough go of even settling this area.

02:31:58.000 This area was overrun by the Comanches, and they killed everybody until they figured out revolvers.

02:32:03.000 And then once people figured out revolvers, they're like, oh, I've got more than one shot here.

02:32:07.000 We can fuck these guys up.

02:32:08.000 And that really changed the West.

02:32:10.000 Guns, germs, and steel.

02:32:12.000 Yeah, but that really did.

02:32:13.000 There's a guy named Jack Hayes.

02:32:15.000 He was the very first Texas Ranger.

02:32:17.000 He also figured out you have to hunt the Comanches the way the Comanches travel.

02:32:21.000 So you have to not use fire because you have to do what's called a cold camp.

02:32:25.000 You camp with no fire so they can't see where you are.

02:32:28.000 You have to be really sneaky and you can't dress like a soldier.

02:32:32.000 You've got to sneak in on them.

02:32:33.000 So all the Texas Rangers are basically like...

02:32:35.000 It's like the modern version of a Navy SEAL. They figured out how to infiltrate and be the most extreme badasses to overcome the Comanches.

02:32:44.000 And then they figured out the revolver.

02:32:47.000 And the revolver was first thought to be a useless weapon.

02:32:50.000 They came up with it.

02:32:51.000 I think Colt came up with it first.

02:32:53.000 But most people were like, why do I need all these bullets?

02:32:55.000 I can just pack it in there.

02:32:57.000 Take my time.

02:32:58.000 If I'm going to have a duel with a gentleman...

02:33:01.000 I will have plenty of time to reload my musket pistol.

02:33:05.000 But they realized that these Comanches could ride their horses and shoot arrows off the horses.

02:33:12.000 And they would keep the arrows in their fingers.

02:33:14.000 So they would have like four arrows in their fingers.

02:33:18.000 And they would go like, shh, one, shh, two, shh, three, shh, four.

02:33:22.000 And they would do it while they were riding the horse towards them.

02:33:25.000 And these poor guys were in there with the fucking musket like, hey, thunk, thunk, thunk.

02:33:29.000 And they were getting lit up.

02:33:30.000 So it was a long-ass time before they figured out how to conquer this area.

02:33:35.000 They would give people settlements out here.

02:33:37.000 They would say, you know, Mr. Wilson, what would be great for you?

02:33:41.000 A wonderful ranch in Comancheria.

02:33:45.000 You know why they called it Comancheria?

02:33:46.000 Because it was run by the Comanches.

02:33:47.000 So these fucking assholes, they'd give them these plots of land, they'd put up fences and everything, and the Comanches would come and slaughter everybody.

02:33:53.000 And then they would have to have a response for the Comanches slaughtering everybody, so then they would bring in the troops and attack them.

02:33:58.000 It wasn't that much different than what they do today.

02:34:00.000 Yeah.

02:34:01.000 Well, that's the thing.

02:34:01.000 We like to think that we're so advanced.

02:34:04.000 We like to think that we're so rational.

02:34:06.000 Guess what?

02:34:07.000 No.

02:34:07.000 We're still dipshits.

02:34:09.000 There's a lot of dipshits out there.

02:34:11.000 I mean, I'm not a political comedian, but Russia and Ukraine, you think, oh, we're so evolved.

02:34:16.000 Really?

02:34:17.000 It's still East and West.

02:34:19.000 Well, the Russia-Ukraine thing is crazy because a lot of them speak the same language.

02:34:23.000 And they're like right next door to each other.

02:34:24.000 It's like us going to war with Canada.

02:34:26.000 Whoa.

02:34:27.000 Imagine we went to war with fucking Montreal.

02:34:29.000 Like, what are we doing?

02:34:30.000 We're blowing up Montreal?

02:34:32.000 I know.

02:34:33.000 Really?

02:34:33.000 But you talk to...

02:34:34.000 So I have a friend in Kiev.

02:34:36.000 Kiev?

02:34:36.000 Kiev.

02:34:37.000 Kiev.

02:34:37.000 And you talk to my friend there and they're like, no, no, no, dude.

02:34:41.000 We are not fucking Russian.

02:34:43.000 We are not.

02:34:43.000 We have our own shit.

02:34:44.000 We have our own language.

02:34:45.000 We have our own culture.

02:34:47.000 Don't fuck with me.

02:34:48.000 Do they speak Russian and Ukrainian?

02:34:49.000 But this is because the Russians annexed that part of the world.

02:34:52.000 Because they took over many, many years ago during the Cold War and forced that culture on them.

02:34:58.000 So they're like, oh, fuck your mother.

02:34:59.000 We don't speak this gobbledygook.

02:35:01.000 We speak our language.

02:35:02.000 Get the fuck out of here.

02:35:05.000 It's a weird one because it's still going on.

02:35:07.000 And you're like, how does this wrap up?

02:35:09.000 And you keep hearing these rumors of Putin.

02:35:11.000 How does it wrap up?

02:35:12.000 I want to be there for the season finale of Ukraine.

02:35:17.000 It's on right after Ozark.

02:35:18.000 Well, we've already moved on.

02:35:20.000 I mean, everybody was so hot on it.

02:35:22.000 I've moved on.

02:35:22.000 Amber Heard is more compelling.

02:35:24.000 There's something about her fake crying that really gets my panties in a jimmer.

02:35:28.000 Gets my panties in a twist.

02:35:30.000 What about when she did Blow?

02:35:31.000 Do you think she did a hit?

02:35:33.000 I don't know.

02:35:33.000 I put it on my Instagram.

02:35:34.000 I don't know if she did it, but I hope she did it.

02:35:37.000 I think she did.

02:35:39.000 Because I showed it to my friend who used to do cocaine.

02:35:42.000 He's like, yeah, yeah, that's a bump.

02:35:44.000 I'm like, that's fucking wild.

02:35:45.000 In court?

02:35:46.000 Well, she is blowing her nose with a tissue.

02:35:48.000 And if she just took a little toot, just a little pick-me-up.

02:35:51.000 Is that what they call it?

02:35:52.000 Just a little pick-me-up.

02:35:53.000 A little pick-me-up.

02:35:55.000 Imagine if they drug tested her immediately afterwards.

02:35:57.000 That would be so rad.

02:35:59.000 They put their hand on her arm.

02:36:01.000 Mr. Heard.

02:36:02.000 Mrs. Heard, excuse me.

02:36:03.000 What are your pronouns?

02:36:05.000 We're going to have to drug test you.

02:36:07.000 Wasn't she a they-them at one point?

02:36:09.000 No.

02:36:09.000 She had a lesbian relationship recently.

02:36:11.000 Oh, right.

02:36:13.000 Publicly living with a woman.

02:36:14.000 Oh, my.

02:36:15.000 Did she change her pronouns?

02:36:16.000 Spicy.

02:36:17.000 Spicy.

02:36:18.000 But if he just puts his arm on her?

02:36:20.000 Ms. Heard, we're going to have to take you for examination and drug test you.

02:36:26.000 Were you doing coke during the trial?

02:36:28.000 Refer to Instagram and TikTok.

02:36:32.000 So you're doing a bump of coke.

02:36:33.000 People demand answers.

02:36:34.000 They're like, this whole thing of like, were they, were they not doing drugs?

02:36:38.000 And it's like, yeah, dude, they were having, they were, they're wild.

02:36:41.000 This is the couple.

02:36:42.000 Yeah, he's Jack Sparrow, bitch.

02:36:43.000 Yeah, he's a fucking pirate.

02:36:45.000 You've never seen a couple like that where the guys, they're in it.

02:36:50.000 It makes his dick hard to be with a woman who's crazy and then they fight and they fuck and they fight and they fuck and it's exciting.

02:36:57.000 Yes, that's what I'm saying.

02:36:59.000 That's what I'm saying.

02:37:00.000 Anybody who doesn't get it, they're not Jack Sparrow.

02:37:04.000 The guy's doing flower bags filled with coke every week.

02:37:06.000 What are you talking about?

02:37:07.000 He's probably having a blast.

02:37:09.000 So he almost lost a finger.

02:37:10.000 Whatever, whatever.

02:37:12.000 What the fuck ever?

02:37:13.000 Did she cut it off or he did it?

02:37:15.000 She threw a fucking vodka bottle at him or something and smashed his finger and cut the tip of his finger off.

02:37:19.000 Fucking wild.

02:37:20.000 He'll get it sewed back on.

02:37:21.000 And I bet they fucked like wild donkeys.

02:37:24.000 Like wild dogs.

02:37:24.000 He probably had his arm in a sling.

02:37:28.000 He's banging it like he's riding a rodeo bronco with his one arm up in the air.

02:37:34.000 I mean, they're so hot.

02:37:35.000 You can see their chemistry.

02:37:37.000 They want to fuck so bad.

02:37:38.000 But apparently she used to shit on them for being old.

02:37:40.000 Oh, stop it.

02:37:42.000 He's still hot.

02:37:42.000 He's Johnny Depp.

02:37:44.000 What a cunt.

02:37:45.000 Am I supposed to say that?

02:37:46.000 You can say cunt.

02:37:46.000 You know what I didn't like is when...

02:37:48.000 Listen.

02:37:50.000 Remember the whole fucking Winona Ryder, Johnny Depp era?

02:37:54.000 That was beautiful.

02:37:56.000 And he got the tattoo.

02:37:57.000 Was that your favorite?

02:37:58.000 Winona forever?

02:38:00.000 And that bitch made fun of...

02:38:02.000 Winona forever?

02:38:04.000 How dare you?

02:38:05.000 She made fun of it because it was still on his arm.

02:38:07.000 Yeah.

02:38:07.000 Can you imagine?

02:38:08.000 Wino, but he changed it.

02:38:11.000 Wino forever?

02:38:11.000 No, it just says, yeah, it just says Wino.

02:38:14.000 Right?

02:38:14.000 Is that what it says, young Jamie?

02:38:16.000 I don't know.

02:38:17.000 I think it's just Wino.

02:38:18.000 Well, he had her name tattooed on his hand.

02:38:20.000 It said Slim.

02:38:22.000 And I think he turned...

02:38:25.000 Don't tattoo the bitch's name.

02:38:27.000 Don't tattoo.

02:38:28.000 Don't ever.

02:38:28.000 Did you tattoo a woman's name?

02:38:30.000 No.

02:38:30.000 Never, right?

02:38:31.000 It just, I mean, you can do it if you really want to do it.

02:38:36.000 There's nothing wrong with doing that.

02:38:37.000 But not in that case.

02:38:39.000 Not that lady.

02:38:41.000 No, don't do that.

02:38:43.000 Did they prenup?

02:38:44.000 No, they didn't.

02:38:45.000 Yeah, it said Wynonna Forever and he changed it to Wino Forever.

02:38:49.000 Listen, every bitch in the 90s.

02:38:51.000 So it was Wynonna Forever and he changed it to Wino Forever.

02:38:54.000 Well, he loved her.

02:38:56.000 Yeah.

02:38:58.000 That's sort of disrespectful to change it to wino, though.

02:39:02.000 I know.

02:39:02.000 Either take it off or cover it up.

02:39:05.000 Can you even really remove a tattoo?

02:39:07.000 Oh, yeah.

02:39:08.000 Really?

02:39:08.000 Yeah, they're pretty good at it now.

02:39:09.000 The lasers.

02:39:10.000 I follow a lot of people on TikTok that are removing facial tattoos.

02:39:17.000 And it's so slow.

02:39:19.000 It's a slow, arduous...

02:39:20.000 Is it?

02:39:21.000 A year, two years of...

02:39:23.000 Really?

02:39:24.000 Yeah.

02:39:24.000 And then there's this thing in LA. You can get a tattoo that lasts for one year now.

02:39:28.000 Ooh.

02:39:29.000 Interesting.

02:39:30.000 Like it's an ink that your body can dissolve.

02:39:32.000 That is such an LA thing.

02:39:33.000 I know.

02:39:34.000 That's so LA. Is that a real tattoo?

02:39:36.000 It's henna.

02:39:38.000 Okay.

02:39:38.000 Is that a real tattoo?

02:39:39.000 It's an annual.

02:39:41.000 That's what I want.

02:39:42.000 This guy got him removed.

02:39:44.000 25 procedures over the course of 16 months.

02:39:47.000 So he got it completely taken off.

02:39:49.000 Wow, his face was fucking scratched on.

02:39:52.000 Look at all that scratchy scratch.

02:39:55.000 I also detailed the whole thing over time.

02:39:58.000 Wow.

02:39:59.000 The poor guy, man.

02:40:01.000 Oh, my God.

02:40:02.000 No, she didn't.

02:40:03.000 Did she really do that?

02:40:04.000 I don't know.

02:40:05.000 Yes.

02:40:05.000 There's so many people that have done that.

02:40:07.000 It's so nuts, man.

02:40:08.000 Is this her for real?

02:40:09.000 I think so.

02:40:10.000 Same tattoo.

02:40:11.000 Oh, God.

02:40:11.000 Is she getting it removed, too?

02:40:12.000 It's her journey.

02:40:14.000 Oh, click on that.

02:40:16.000 It's her journey.

02:40:16.000 Because I never get it when a pretty girl decides to do that.

02:40:20.000 Usually there's meth involved.

02:40:22.000 Drugs.

02:40:22.000 Oh, usually there's a lot involved.

02:40:23.000 A lot of anger, right?

02:40:25.000 Yeah.

02:40:26.000 Yeah.

02:40:26.000 That's usually the common denominator when I find them on TikTok.

02:40:30.000 Does it show her removing it?

02:40:32.000 Not really, no.

02:40:32.000 Oh, she's just started?

02:40:33.000 Maybe, yeah.

02:40:34.000 Well, good luck to you, honey.

02:40:36.000 I remember her.

02:40:37.000 I hope you get rid of it.

02:40:38.000 Yeah, it's just a weird thing when someone starts to fuck around with the face and put like a little heart next to their cheek and like, hey, hey, hey!

02:40:44.000 Hey, hey!

02:40:46.000 Don't.

02:40:47.000 Don't you fucking do it.

02:40:48.000 Don't do it.

02:40:49.000 But it's cool now, because post Malone...

02:40:51.000 He's got a lot of it.

02:40:53.000 He's got a lot, yeah.

02:40:54.000 Tyson, you don't even notice.

02:40:56.000 No.

02:40:56.000 When you're hanging out with Tyson, you're just like, oh my god, it's Mike Tyson.

02:40:59.000 You don't even notice that he has a face tattoo.

02:41:01.000 Because you're so just in awe.

02:41:02.000 You just can't believe it's Mike Tyson.

02:41:04.000 He was an innovator.

02:41:05.000 He was the first one to do that, besides Maori and shit.

02:41:09.000 Oh, for sure.

02:41:09.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

02:41:10.000 Besides them, the first celebrity face tattoo...

02:41:13.000 I would have to say it's got to be Mike Tyson.

02:41:16.000 That's pretty gangster.

02:41:16.000 Because he was a massive celebrity.

02:41:19.000 And he was doing it while he was fighting.

02:41:21.000 And he got that face tattooed.

02:41:22.000 And everybody freaked.

02:41:23.000 I remember that.

02:41:25.000 Yeah.

02:41:25.000 Yeah, they freaked.

02:41:26.000 Yeah.

02:41:27.000 I think he was going to do more of his face, too.

02:41:29.000 But he decided not to.

02:41:30.000 Yeah.

02:41:31.000 That's a good call.

02:41:32.000 Yeah.

02:41:32.000 It's tough.

02:41:33.000 It's a tough look.

02:41:34.000 It's a good look.

02:41:34.000 I like it.

02:41:35.000 It works for him.

02:41:36.000 You know?

02:41:37.000 Are you going to get face tats?

02:41:38.000 I'm thinking about it right now.

02:41:40.000 Face tats and heroin.

02:41:41.000 Which one first?

02:41:42.000 Maybe a neck tat.

02:41:43.000 Like a lightning bolt.

02:41:44.000 Yo, I kind of like it.

02:41:46.000 Okay, a neck tat.

02:41:46.000 Maybe a wolf.

02:41:47.000 Oh!

02:41:48.000 I like that!

02:41:48.000 Right here.

02:41:49.000 Oh!

02:41:50.000 I can see you.

02:41:52.000 Maybe thunder and lightning on this side.

02:41:54.000 Oh, my storm is coming.

02:41:58.000 No, dude, it's an arrow, and you're killing that motherfucker.

02:42:01.000 Oh, yeah.

02:42:01.000 Yeah, I'm killing a wolf on my neck.

02:42:03.000 Yeah, dog.

02:42:04.000 Yeah.

02:42:05.000 I do want knuckle tats.

02:42:06.000 I do like those.

02:42:07.000 Yeah?

02:42:07.000 What do you want?

02:42:07.000 Okay, this is the deal I made.

02:42:09.000 How about balls?

02:42:10.000 Balls on each knuckle.

02:42:11.000 B-A-L. Wait, B-A-L. No, just little balls.

02:42:12.000 Tiny little hairy balls.

02:42:13.000 Oh!

02:42:14.000 On each knuckle.

02:42:17.000 I pick my kid up from kindergarten.

02:42:19.000 I'm like, what's up?

02:42:19.000 Hey, what's up, ladies?

02:42:20.000 Yeah.

02:42:21.000 You'd always wear a glove like Michael Jackson.

02:42:22.000 People go, what's going on with her?

02:42:25.000 Did the heroin one night.

02:42:27.000 I got balls on my knuckles.

02:42:29.000 I like how they look.

02:42:30.000 Tough.

02:42:31.000 What would you get?

02:42:31.000 Okay, so here's what I was thinking of.

02:42:33.000 When Tom and I got fuck you money, there's a number in my mind that I would get F-U-C-K-Y-O-U and then a dollar sign.

02:42:43.000 Ooh, I like that.

02:42:44.000 Yeah, and then I'll be like, they'll be all, why'd you get those knuckle tats?

02:42:47.000 I'm like, because I got fuck you money, bitch.

02:42:50.000 Like, you're just out.

02:42:50.000 You're out.

02:42:51.000 Like, you're just peace out.

02:42:52.000 Yeah, you can do whatever you want.

02:42:54.000 Yeah, dog.

02:42:54.000 Well, your guys are out now.

02:42:55.000 You're independent.

02:42:57.000 I don't know if I'm fuck you money out.

02:42:59.000 Yeah, but you're pretty fuck you money compared to most people.

02:43:02.000 What you are is the most important part of fuck you money.

02:43:05.000 You're completely independent from any system.

02:43:08.000 You do whatever you guys want.

02:43:09.000 It's amazing because you're completely self-sustaining with the podcast and your fans.

02:43:13.000 You have an ecosystem going on.

02:43:15.000 Everything's great.

02:43:16.000 You know, you guys are providing great content and great shows and everybody loves it and they share it and it keeps growing.

02:43:23.000 The thing about, like, podcasts and stuff like that is, like, you can tell, like, some of them just keep growing.

02:43:29.000 Yeah.

02:43:29.000 And some of them do not.

02:43:30.000 Yeah.

02:43:31.000 They just do not.

02:43:32.000 What's the secret sauce?

02:43:34.000 I think people just get bored with people.

02:43:38.000 Yeah.

02:43:38.000 They get tired of the way people treat people or, you know, maybe their approach to life is tiresome.

02:43:45.000 If it's too one note, I think that bothers me.

02:43:51.000 Some people never really let people in.

02:43:54.000 It's always kind of a bullshit thing.

02:43:56.000 You never really get to the real person.

02:43:59.000 Every admission is just to make other people feel better about them.

02:44:05.000 It's all calculated.

02:44:06.000 It's all insincere.

02:44:09.000 People talk about...

02:44:12.000 Sometimes people will talk about stuff and you go, man, I'm not buying it with this dude.

02:44:15.000 This does not feel like a person who really either cares about what he's talking about or...

02:44:21.000 You know what I mean?

02:44:22.000 They're just doing it because they think...

02:44:24.000 They're like an actor.

02:44:25.000 Like when Amber Heard was on trial.

02:44:27.000 Yeah, that was the greatest acting gig of her life.

02:44:30.000 Right.

02:44:30.000 But it's shit.

02:44:31.000 She's doing terrible.

02:44:32.000 I know.

02:44:33.000 When you're watching it, it's like, you know what I'm saying?

02:44:36.000 It's not resonating.

02:44:37.000 But with some people, some people will talk and it resonates.

02:44:41.000 You go, that person is, they're there.

02:44:45.000 This is what they're really thinking about, is what they really believe, and I can get behind that.

02:44:50.000 Yeah, she's the...

02:44:51.000 I think because people can smell bullshit.

02:44:54.000 People smell bullshit way better than we'd like to think.

02:44:56.000 Yeah, she's bullshit.

02:44:58.000 We're not 100% at it, but we're pretty fucking good.

02:45:02.000 But then there are people that believe her, so then what the fuck is wrong with them?

02:45:05.000 Crazy bitches.

02:45:06.000 They find each other and like, she's right!

02:45:09.000 Johnny's an asshole!

02:45:11.000 I heard he did a cavity search on her looking for bags of coke in her vagina!

02:45:16.000 That was hot.

02:45:17.000 That was the best one.

02:45:18.000 That was a good one.

02:45:18.000 Because that's not the first time she's even hinted about having bags of coke in her vagina.

02:45:24.000 She's probably had him up there before.

02:45:25.000 That's how he knew to look.

02:45:29.000 I would never check my wife's vagina for bags of coke.

02:45:33.000 I guarantee you she's never had him up there.

02:45:34.000 Never.

02:45:35.000 But that girl, he's like, where's the coke?

02:45:37.000 I know where it is.

02:45:42.000 Is it in her purse?

02:45:44.000 It's in her vagina.

02:45:45.000 I don't even know if it's a true story, but if it was, just the fact that she said it, what kind of life are you living?

02:45:51.000 There's not a normal, healthy woman out there who's going to relate to this.

02:45:56.000 A normal, healthy woman who wants a normal, healthy man in her life who's like, hold on, what are you guys doing?

02:46:02.000 He's got his hand in your pussy, using you like a goddamn puppet because he's checking for coke bags?

02:46:10.000 Where's the coke, Amber?

02:46:11.000 Where is it?

02:46:14.000 Where's the coke?

02:46:16.000 I can't find it, but I know you took it, and I need coke.

02:46:21.000 I mean, and like, who would have thought that this trial...

02:46:27.000 Would correct his public persona.

02:46:31.000 It most certainly has.

02:46:32.000 You're like, wait, this fucking insanity is doing him a benefit.

02:46:37.000 I mean, I would not have taken that risk personally.

02:46:40.000 I'd be like, ah, let's just...

02:46:41.000 I think he knew.

02:46:43.000 I think he knew all he had to do is get her on the stand.

02:46:45.000 And everyone would see.

02:46:46.000 Get her on the stand.

02:46:47.000 Yeah.

02:46:48.000 And he goes first.

02:46:49.000 He goes first.

02:46:51.000 100%.

02:46:51.000 He has to go first.

02:46:52.000 He has to go first because he establishes a base of like, well, he's definitely done some stupid shit.

02:46:59.000 He definitely does too much coke and drinks too much and he's full of chaos and everything.

02:47:03.000 But right now, Sober seems like that's who he really is.

02:47:06.000 He seems like a really nice guy.

02:47:08.000 And he talked very slowly.

02:47:10.000 Very slowly.

02:47:11.000 And he has a very weird accent.

02:47:15.000 What's the accent now?

02:47:16.000 It's bullshit.

02:47:17.000 What is this?

02:47:18.000 It's a bullshit accent.

02:47:18.000 Where is he living?

02:47:20.000 It's bullshit.

02:47:21.000 In France or in?

02:47:22.000 I'm living in the world.

02:47:23.000 I'm a citizen of the world.

02:47:26.000 He's an actor.

02:47:27.000 That's it.

02:47:27.000 You got it.

02:47:28.000 He's an actor.

02:47:28.000 Wait, do more.

02:47:29.000 Do more.

02:47:30.000 Amber, at one point in time, seemed to have lost the cocaine.

02:47:35.000 I merely looked in her pussy.

02:47:37.000 I could see some places where she couldn't.

02:47:40.000 And she made a defecation.

02:47:42.000 You know what?

02:47:43.000 This has been really good for people that felt were jealous about movie stars.

02:47:46.000 Yes.

02:47:47.000 Will Smith smacking Chris Rock and his relationship with Jada being examined and then this Johnny Depp thing.

02:47:53.000 It's like, oh, that's not fun.

02:47:56.000 Like, that life is not good.

02:47:58.000 Well, because money, look...

02:48:01.000 It's fame, too.

02:48:02.000 Fame is not fantastic.

02:48:05.000 Here's what fame is great for.

02:48:07.000 Well, hello, Joe Rogan.

02:48:08.000 Welcome to the restaurant.

02:48:09.000 We have a table right for you.

02:48:10.000 That's nice.

02:48:11.000 That's amazing.

02:48:12.000 People are happy to see you.

02:48:14.000 They're always nice to you.

02:48:16.000 It's awesome.

02:48:17.000 Money's great because you don't have to worry about the day-to-dayness.

02:48:21.000 But guess what?

02:48:23.000 You still have to deal with human problems.

02:48:26.000 Yes, you have to deal with relationships, too.

02:48:29.000 Listen, when I do my special, I was in the makeup chair, and the next I go, yeah, but in 12 hours I'm going to be wiping asses.

02:48:36.000 Like, this is not, you know, like I'm going to be changing diapers.

02:48:40.000 Right, yeah.

02:48:41.000 That's life.

02:48:42.000 That's real life, yeah.

02:48:44.000 But you have that contrast, and I think that's what's really important.

02:48:47.000 And that's one of the things that does happen when you become a parent, is you recognize that you have to take care of these kids, these little beautiful human beings that you're intimately connected to.

02:48:58.000 And that's...

02:49:00.000 It's so much more important than everything else.

02:49:02.000 So everything else, even though you have to focus on it and concentrate on it, you become disciplined and even more ambitious because of it, I think, for a lot of people, it's not as important.

02:49:10.000 No.

02:49:11.000 And so because of that, it gives you more perspective.

02:49:13.000 The people, their career is everything.

02:49:16.000 It's their only thing and everything, whether they sell tickets or they become weird and needy.

02:49:21.000 Let's talk about that.

02:49:23.000 I agree.

02:49:24.000 I could send you some Instagram stories that you need to follow.

02:49:27.000 Me too.

02:49:27.000 Let's do it.

02:49:28.000 I've got a few.

02:49:30.000 Yeah, I've got a few too.

02:49:30.000 I know who we're talking about.

02:49:35.000 Some people went crazy.

02:49:37.000 But some people got on cable shows and then they got a little bit of a following because of these cable shows.

02:49:42.000 Cut this out.

02:49:43.000 No, no, no.

02:49:44.000 We're going to know who we're talking about.

02:49:44.000 We're fine.

02:49:45.000 We're good.

02:49:45.000 Are you sure?

02:49:46.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

02:49:47.000 But it's just a mental illness problem.

02:49:51.000 It comes with a lot of performers.

02:49:53.000 The type of people that seek out being a comic, that's not a normal person for the most part.

02:49:59.000 There's a hole deep inside of us.

02:50:01.000 We want validation.

02:50:02.000 Yeah.

02:50:02.000 But then here's what happens.

02:50:03.000 You get successful and you're like, oh, oh shit, my parents still hate me.

02:50:08.000 Oh, oh shit, guess what?

02:50:10.000 Everything's the same.

02:50:12.000 Same shit, different toilet.

02:50:13.000 But you get better at being a person, and as you get better being a person, you shift your attention from needing validation and needing attention to getting better at what you do that you love.

02:50:24.000 100%, yep.

02:50:25.000 And then your energy goes in a healthy place, and then it becomes getting better at your act, killing, better at putting together a special, better at podcasts.

02:50:34.000 Yeah, that's what happens.

02:50:35.000 You know what, too, changed with me?

02:50:37.000 It's not so much needing to be heard and seen, which I think was the motivator in the beginning.

02:50:45.000 Like, you guys are going to listen to me.

02:50:48.000 Now it's like, oh, I want to do a service.

02:50:51.000 Back.

02:50:52.000 Hence the crazy outfits and like, I'm gonna fucking entertain you guys.

02:50:56.000 Like, you had babysitters, you had to hire, you left the shittiness of your day-to-day to get here, and I'm gonna take care of you.

02:51:05.000 It's more of like giving than just like, oh, my hole, my fucking needy shit.

02:51:10.000 Yeah, gimme, gimme, gimme.

02:51:12.000 Gross.

02:51:13.000 Yeah.

02:51:13.000 But that energy, but you're a giver.

02:51:15.000 You know that.

02:51:16.000 That's why you do fucking four-hour podcasts, you know, five days a week.

02:51:20.000 You're a giver.

02:51:20.000 I think you've always had that.

02:51:23.000 Well, I think it's definitely, you can't have this attitude that you're doing this all for you.

02:51:31.000 No.

02:51:32.000 You just have to be doing the thing the best you can, and the thing is something that other people enjoy.

02:51:37.000 But any time that you're spending doing it for you is wasted time.

02:51:43.000 Like you, obviously you reap the rewards.

02:51:45.000 I'm not saying it's not a benefit to you, but you can't think of it as you're doing it for you.

02:51:50.000 You won't do it good.

02:51:51.000 You got to think about doing the thing the best you can so that people enjoy it.

02:51:56.000 That's what I do.

02:51:57.000 I only think of that.

02:51:59.000 Doing it the best of your ability on that given day.

02:52:01.000 I do it the best I can on any given day.

02:52:03.000 Yeah.

02:52:03.000 And, you know, I have better shows and shows that were like, eh, I talk too much.

02:52:08.000 Maybe I should have shut the fuck up and let the other person talk.

02:52:10.000 You know, you never know.

02:52:12.000 It's like it's all in real time and it's live.

02:52:15.000 And that's why I also have a ritual before podcasts.

02:52:18.000 Oh, what is that?

02:52:19.000 It's a workout ritual.

02:52:20.000 I make sure that I get a really hard workout, and then I do the sauna.

02:52:25.000 On days where I do cardio, I do the cold plunge.

02:52:27.000 Days where I don't do cardio, I just do the sauna.

02:52:31.000 You're amazing.

02:52:32.000 How long is this?

02:52:33.000 What is this?

02:52:34.000 From the time I start to the time I've done, it's just about two and a half hours, including sauna.

02:52:39.000 Because it depends on what kind of workout I like to do.

02:52:42.000 But if I do kickboxing, so it's like an hour of the kickboxing, but then it's a solid half hour plus of stretching.

02:52:51.000 You know, I have to stretch afterwards.

02:52:52.000 Like long-term, heavy stretching.

02:52:55.000 Because that's the best time when you're exhausted to loosen everything up.

02:52:58.000 And then it's the sauna cold plunge.

02:53:01.000 Back and forth, which is like 45 minutes, maybe even more.

02:53:04.000 I love this.

02:53:05.000 Yeah.

02:53:05.000 And then I come here and I'm just so free.

02:53:07.000 Yeah.

02:53:08.000 I come here, I'm so relaxed.

02:53:10.000 So relaxed.

02:53:10.000 And it's so much harder than anything else I'll ever have to do in life.

02:53:14.000 What is?

02:53:15.000 The sauna and the cold plunge and the workouts are so hard that when I get in here, like complicated subjects and, you know, whether or not people are going to be angry about your positions on things or that doesn't mean anything to me.

02:53:30.000 It's fine.

02:53:31.000 It's fine.

02:53:31.000 Well, because you're so centered.

02:53:33.000 But it's like a process to get to that spot.

02:53:37.000 But that's also the beauty of being an adult, is you go, hey dude, I know I got this in my head, I gotta fucking manage.

02:53:46.000 You take the responsibility for this, and you go, I know what I need to do.

02:53:51.000 I do Pilates, I meditate, I fucking do yoga as well, I have to go for a walk, I have to be in nature.

02:53:59.000 If I don't do these things, I go insane.

02:54:02.000 And I'm a shitty human being.

02:54:03.000 I think you are everyone.

02:54:05.000 Yeah.

02:54:06.000 I think everyone is that.

02:54:08.000 Yeah.

02:54:08.000 But we ignore that aspect because it's inconvenient.

02:54:11.000 Yeah.

02:54:12.000 And we decide that we don't need exercise.

02:54:14.000 I think, in general, families all across the board listening to this, you'd be happier and healthier if you all went on a walk together.

02:54:21.000 Yeah.

02:54:22.000 Just do something together where you're physically active together and you just do some natural human stuff.

02:54:29.000 Play a little, have a little game, do something where you're out in the backyard or you're going for a walk around the neighborhood or just fucking do something together.

02:54:37.000 Get physically active.

02:54:39.000 You gotta do something.

02:54:40.000 We're all the same.

02:54:41.000 I think I have extreme requirements, but that's also because I built my body into this thing that needs those things.

02:54:49.000 Well, do you think you have more energy?

02:54:51.000 Were you always energetic as a kid?

02:54:54.000 I was always energetic, yeah.

02:54:55.000 I was crazy.

02:54:56.000 I was bouncing off the walls.

02:54:57.000 Yeah, my son, my older boy is like that, just like that.

02:55:01.000 And I bet your older boy, if he had bad parents, they'd medicate him.

02:55:04.000 Oh, I would never, yeah.

02:55:05.000 Of course you'd never.

02:55:06.000 Put him into soccer.

02:55:07.000 Of course.

02:55:08.000 But there are some people out there that don't like a child that has too much fucking energy and they want to medicate him.

02:55:13.000 Yeah, that's a crazy talk.

02:55:14.000 I had a neighbor that did that.

02:55:15.000 That's a crazy talk.

02:55:16.000 They had a kid and they were like, the kid has this and that.

02:55:18.000 I'm like, the kid seems fine to me.

02:55:19.000 You know, I'm really reluctant to label.

02:55:21.000 I think we're really so quick to label everybody.

02:55:25.000 Like, just chill the fuck out.

02:55:27.000 I mean...

02:55:28.000 I think school is boring as fuck for kids.

02:55:30.000 I think so too.

02:55:32.000 And most kids, like, I thought that I was not interested in school.

02:55:39.000 I was not interested in education until I got out of school.

02:55:41.000 And then I realized, oh, it wasn't that I wasn't interested in educating myself.

02:55:46.000 I was not interested in being talked to by morons.

02:55:50.000 Yeah.

02:55:51.000 They were not good at it.

02:55:52.000 Because I'm not saying morons like they weren't intelligent, but they weren't good at talking to people.

02:55:55.000 And if you're going to be a professor, an effective professor, you have to be engaging.

02:56:00.000 You can't just relay the information because that sucks.

02:56:03.000 That's like a shitty comedian that just says the jokes and you have no delivery.

02:56:07.000 There's something to being a professor that you're persuading someone to be enthusiastic about a subject.

02:56:15.000 And some people don't have that in them.

02:56:16.000 And if you go to school with most, and there's a lot of those people out there, unfortunately, and you go to school with them, you're like, boring, boring, boring, get me out.

02:56:25.000 And then one day, you stumble upon a YouTube video where some guy is talking about black holes.

02:56:30.000 And he's engaged, and he's into it, and he's like, oh my god, I give a fuck about black holes.

02:56:36.000 Now I want to research black holes.

02:56:38.000 Well, there was a point in college or in high school where I was like, oh, the teacher's just telling me what's in the book.

02:56:44.000 So why don't I just read the book and I'm not going to come to class?

02:56:47.000 And I did that in college for one class I never even showed up to.

02:56:51.000 And then I just read it and then I did fine.

02:56:53.000 I got a B or something in the class.

02:56:55.000 Like, what are you doing?

02:56:56.000 But enthusiasm is more important.

02:56:58.000 I agree.

02:56:58.000 It's very important.

02:56:59.000 But the information is important, too.

02:57:02.000 Yeah.

02:57:02.000 But enthusiasm is something that gets people engaged.

02:57:06.000 It's the same with your act.

02:57:07.000 If you go on stage and phone it in, people are not interested.

02:57:09.000 But if you go on stage and you're fucking super engaged.

02:57:12.000 And I was very fortunate to have a few teachers on a few subjects that were really good.

02:57:17.000 And you're like, oh, why do I love English with Mrs. Wilson?

02:57:20.000 Because Mrs. Wilson is locked the fuck in.

02:57:23.000 She's locked in and she's talking to you about these things.

02:57:25.000 It's kind of fun.

02:57:26.000 It's exciting.

02:57:28.000 I had a science professor when I was in eighth grade, a science teacher, and I remember he said, you want to really hurt your brain, he goes, just go outside and look up.

02:57:39.000 Look up and realize that that is infinity, and it just goes on forever.

02:57:44.000 Just don't think about it for a second.

02:57:46.000 Just keep thinking about how big it means to have no end.

02:57:50.000 Fuck, that's cute.

02:57:51.000 That guy planted that shit in my head forever.

02:57:53.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

02:57:54.000 I was in eighth grade.

02:57:54.000 That guy was very enthusiastic.

02:57:57.000 He was a really good teacher.

02:57:58.000 And he was in a shit neighborhood, too.

02:58:00.000 That's when we lived in Jamaica Plain.

02:58:01.000 There was like 17-year-old kids in my school that would show up for like the first couple weeks and then drop out again because they had missed so many classes and they had failed so many years that they were 17 and they were in the eighth grade.

02:58:14.000 Oh my god, that's so sad.

02:58:16.000 Normal.

02:58:16.000 It was normal.

02:58:17.000 They would be there in the beginning of school and then they would quit after a couple weeks.

02:58:21.000 They would just drop out.

02:58:22.000 Fuck.

02:58:23.000 It was a bad neighborhood.

02:58:24.000 But that guy was a fucking...

02:58:26.000 That one guy planting that one thing in my head at that time.

02:58:30.000 It just takes one teacher.

02:58:32.000 I had a philosophy professor like that.

02:58:34.000 He's dead now.

02:58:36.000 That's philosophical.

02:58:37.000 I know.

02:58:37.000 And he taught existentialism.

02:58:39.000 Dr. Bob Makis.

02:58:41.000 Oh, Bob.

02:58:41.000 He's dead.

02:58:42.000 Wherefore art thou, Bob?

02:58:43.000 He was so rad.

02:58:44.000 He was a boxer at one point in his life.

02:58:46.000 He built a log cabin.

02:58:48.000 He built his own fucking log cabin in the woods.

02:58:53.000 He was one of those guys that just lived it.

02:58:55.000 And then by the time he taught philosophy, he was just so inspiring.

02:58:59.000 I liked him.

02:59:00.000 He hooked up with one of his students though.

02:59:02.000 They got married.

02:59:03.000 I was never funny in high school, but I was really good at making funny cartoons.

02:59:09.000 Because I was an artist.

02:59:10.000 Oh, that's cool.

02:59:11.000 Because I wanted to be a comic book artist.

02:59:13.000 That's what I really wanted to be.

02:59:15.000 Really?

02:59:15.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

02:59:15.000 I was a comic book illustrator, so I'd draw those kind of things.

02:59:19.000 And I had this one teacher that was a Vietnam vet, and he was a little cracked.

02:59:23.000 He was just a little cracked.

02:59:25.000 And one time someone asked for a pencil, and he pulled the fucking drawer out of his desk and threw it across the room with the pencils in it.

02:59:35.000 And we're all like, holy shit.

02:59:37.000 And so I would always draw this guy.

02:59:40.000 He was a short guy.

02:59:42.000 Shorter than me, and I'm short.

02:59:43.000 And I would always draw this guy standing on a stool.

02:59:46.000 So I always drew cartoons of him, but he was always standing on a stool.

02:59:50.000 Wow.

02:59:52.000 And so he said to me once, he goes, what is that?

02:59:56.000 What do you got there?

02:59:57.000 I go, I drew a cartoon of you.

03:00:00.000 And he goes, oh, you looked at it.

03:00:02.000 He goes, oh, the stool.

03:00:03.000 Oh, God, because I'm short.

03:00:04.000 Great.

03:00:05.000 But he took it.

03:00:06.000 Like, he was laughing.

03:00:06.000 He was laughing.

03:00:07.000 That's huge.

03:00:08.000 Yeah, I got kicked out of another class because I drew this Spanish teacher without her makeup on.

03:00:16.000 Because she had crazy makeup.

03:00:17.000 She had so much makeup on.

03:00:19.000 So I put her dress with the head of a werewolf.

03:00:22.000 Oh, that's great!

03:00:23.000 I was 15. I thought it was funny.

03:00:25.000 That's great.

03:00:26.000 Subversive.

03:00:26.000 I got kicked out of that class.

03:00:27.000 I bet.

03:00:28.000 And then there was another lady who was an anthropology teacher and she was fascinated by all the chimpanzee studies and all these different things that people were doing.

03:00:41.000 That you love.

03:00:42.000 That's your wheelhouse.

03:00:44.000 And so there was this kid in class who was a high school football player who was a real ass kisser and he was like so obviously like sucking up to her to get better grades and so I drew a cartoon of him banging her monkey style.

03:00:58.000 I would get in the class early and I would draw them on the blackboard so that and then I would pull the screen down so that like behind the screen there would be a cartoon.

03:01:08.000 It's amazing.

03:01:09.000 I got kicked out of history for that one.

03:01:12.000 That was Mr. Holman.

03:01:13.000 Mr. Holman did not like my cartoons of him.

03:01:16.000 Damn, dude.

03:01:17.000 Did you make it through high school?

03:01:19.000 Yeah, barely.

03:01:19.000 I used to have nightmares when I got out of high school that I failed and I had to go back.

03:01:23.000 Because I didn't want to be a high school dropout.

03:01:25.000 I just wanted to get out.

03:01:27.000 Just let me get out.

03:01:28.000 Let me get out.

03:01:28.000 And I got out of high school.

03:01:29.000 And then I went to college.

03:01:31.000 I went to UMass Boston.

03:01:33.000 And I went for three years.

03:01:35.000 But I only went because I did want people thinking I was a loser.

03:01:39.000 Most of the time, I didn't even have a full course load.

03:01:42.000 I was just wasting my time there.

03:01:43.000 I wasn't paying attention.

03:01:45.000 I thought it was something that you had to do.

03:01:48.000 And this is when I was still competing, and then I was doing stand-up.

03:01:52.000 And when I was doing stand-up in the beginning, it was like, God, I'm fucking terrible at it.

03:01:56.000 How could I imagine that I could ever have a career doing this?

03:01:59.000 So I was keeping my options open by still attending college, but it was just a giant waste of time.

03:02:06.000 Yeah, I enjoyed formal education.

03:02:09.000 I think for me, because I studied philosophy and I love to read those books, and I look back at it really fondly because that's the only four years of my life, or actually five, I took a year off, where I could really just sit and think and smoke cigarettes and get weird and think about the world,

03:02:25.000 you know?

03:02:26.000 And it taught me how to think, clearly.

03:02:28.000 That's important for people.

03:02:30.000 Yeah.

03:02:30.000 I'm worried about that experience today for kids, because I worry they'll be ideologically captured.

03:02:37.000 There's so much woke nonsense on colleges these days that I don't think it allows for diversity of thought.

03:02:45.000 I agree.

03:02:46.000 The progressive nature of so many colleges.

03:02:49.000 It's just like a natural inclination that young people have towards You know being charitable and kind and doing better than their parents did and stomping out Discrimination and all those things are like good instincts, but those good instincts sometimes prop up really fucking divisive and shitty behavior because you're limiting the way people can approach things So it's your way the highway and maybe someone is smarter than you and they have a different perspective That's the issue I take with all of this.

03:03:16.000 It's okay.

03:03:17.000 You said the inclinations are noble.

03:03:19.000 Right.

03:03:20.000 But I think you cannot censor other people.

03:03:22.000 Don't tell me what the fuck to say.

03:03:24.000 No, you can't.

03:03:25.000 And also, maybe listen.

03:03:26.000 Maybe that guy's got a good argument.

03:03:27.000 I think that's what's dangerous in academia, is they're kowtowing to these crybaby weenies that can't take the other side of the argument.

03:03:36.000 Like, what is a safe space?

03:03:38.000 What are you talking about?

03:03:39.000 Trigger warning.

03:03:40.000 It's so stupid.

03:03:41.000 It's also, there's no real representation of alternative viewpoints.

03:03:45.000 That's what's scary.

03:03:45.000 Conservative viewpoints in colleges.

03:03:47.000 It's a weird thing.

03:03:48.000 Because I know there's some intelligent conservative people, but it seems like they all go into business.

03:03:53.000 They all go, yeah.

03:03:54.000 You know?

03:03:54.000 Yeah, makes sense.

03:03:55.000 Right?

03:03:56.000 You know what I'm saying?

03:03:56.000 Yeah, it does make sense.

03:03:57.000 They really do.

03:03:57.000 Because the conservative liberals are the ones that want to blame, you know, white privilege and the reason why black people don't hike.

03:04:04.000 Whatever it is, you know, whatever crazy shit that they're involved in, in grievance studies.

03:04:09.000 I don't know if you ever paid attention to it, but Helen Pluckrose, James Lindsay, and Peter Boghossian out of the University of Portland.

03:04:18.000 Is that where they were?

03:04:19.000 They put together these false studies like homoerotic behavior in a dog park and rape culture in a dog park.

03:04:29.000 No kidding.

03:04:30.000 They wrote these fake things like, oh, fat bodybuilding was one.

03:04:34.000 They wrote a paper.

03:04:34.000 Peer-reviewed paper on fat bodybuilding.

03:04:36.000 It was reviewed and rewarded.

03:04:38.000 It actually won a prize.

03:04:39.000 Oh my gosh!

03:04:40.000 So they wrote these fake papers to show how ridiculous academic studies are.

03:04:45.000 A lot of the way you guys are approaching these subjects is beyond parody.

03:04:50.000 So much so that parody is indistinguishable.

03:04:52.000 You can send these parody studies, these parody papers, and people will not just review them, but they will award you for them.

03:05:00.000 That's amazing.

03:05:01.000 So these guys all got in trouble for it.

03:05:03.000 That's amazing.

03:05:04.000 Helen's actually in England.

03:05:05.000 James Lindsay's been on the podcast a few times, and Peter's been on as well.

03:05:09.000 And they all got in fucking deep shit.

03:05:13.000 Peter wound up leaving the university.

03:05:15.000 Oh, wow.

03:05:15.000 And Lindsay has become sort of an online guy.

03:05:18.000 He's just an online commentator.

03:05:21.000 And I've had him on a bunch of times.

03:05:22.000 He's a brilliant guy.

03:05:23.000 But instead of recognizing that there's a real problem with these things, so much so that someone can make a parody and it's indistinguishable.

03:05:32.000 And a really funny parody.

03:05:34.000 Pull up the dog park work because it's so funny.

03:05:36.000 It's so funny.

03:05:37.000 It's also, the way that they reviewed it, they must have been so accepting that they didn't even realize that the amount of time that he said he watched dogs fuck at a dog park is physically impossible.

03:05:50.000 Yeah.

03:05:50.000 Wait, and here's my favorite, is that they integrated these words like queer performity.

03:05:55.000 That's just so great.

03:05:57.000 Look what it says.

03:05:57.000 Expression of concern.

03:05:59.000 Human reactions to rape culture and queer performity at urban dog parks in Portland, Oregon.

03:06:05.000 It's fucking amazing.

03:06:08.000 So they studied this and they said that they put in, I think they said they put in an impossible amount of time.

03:06:15.000 Like you would have to be there every day for 10 years.

03:06:18.000 And they're like, yeah, good.

03:06:20.000 Amazing paper.

03:06:24.000 What the fuck did you just say?

03:06:28.000 What is queer performity?

03:06:30.000 What's queer performity?

03:06:32.000 At a dog park?

03:06:34.000 It's a buzzword.

03:06:35.000 It sounds like inclusivity, performative aspect.

03:06:39.000 They're not queer.

03:06:40.000 They're dog rapists.

03:06:42.000 They're raping each other.

03:06:43.000 Dogs just hold each other down.

03:06:44.000 Dogs try to hump you.

03:06:46.000 They don't care.

03:06:46.000 They grab your leg and start fucking it.

03:06:48.000 My dog rapist is fucking amazing.

03:06:51.000 I mean, they're all just piling each other.

03:06:53.000 It's horrible.

03:06:54.000 You see those little dogs that are trying to get away?

03:06:55.000 My dog used to get raped a lot at the park, FIFO. He was a rescue.

03:06:59.000 He didn't have a good instance.

03:07:02.000 He was a fucking idiot.

03:07:05.000 So when I studied philosophy in school, we started with the Greeks, and then you go into modernity, and you learn the Enlightenment.

03:07:13.000 And then at the very end of my—I went to a USF, so it's a Jesuit college.

03:07:18.000 So it was very steeped in traditional, whatever, colonial ideas, whatever.

03:07:23.000 The male-white colonial tradition.

03:07:25.000 The evil male-white colonialism, yeah.

03:07:28.000 But all very logical, very rational.

03:07:30.000 I learned about logic and how syllogisms work and Venn diagrams.

03:07:35.000 And then at the very end of my education in the last year, we learned postmodernism.

03:07:40.000 And it was all about this stuff.

03:07:42.000 Like, there's no meta-narrative.

03:07:44.000 There's a bunch of little narratives and everyone has their own experience.

03:07:48.000 And, you know, Jacques Derrida, we're writing in the margins of the book.

03:07:52.000 And I remember my professors being like, okay, so here's postmodernism.

03:07:56.000 It's a little fucking nutty.

03:07:57.000 It's not going to take off.

03:07:59.000 It's the fucking stupidest thing you've ever written.

03:08:01.000 But we have to let you know about the stuff before we let you go.

03:08:04.000 And it was an afterthought to my education.

03:08:06.000 Cut to 20 years later, and it's the dominant way of thinking.

03:08:11.000 And it's so illogical to somebody who's learned proper logic and Western philosophy.

03:08:17.000 And you're like, wait, this is the stuff I was told is complete horseshit.

03:08:21.000 Yeah.

03:08:22.000 And now it's like we're in the upside down and there's no men and there's no women and dogs are rapists and blah, blah, blah.

03:08:27.000 What do you think caused that?

03:08:28.000 What do you think caused that to take over?

03:08:31.000 I think it became sexy.

03:08:33.000 I think a lot of these postmodern thinkers became public icons like your Derrida's and your...

03:08:42.000 I love this guy, Baudrillard.

03:08:43.000 He was very cool.

03:08:44.000 The French.

03:08:45.000 I think it became sexy to know these buzzwords.

03:08:49.000 It became cool.

03:08:49.000 So you teach kids something cool, and then they run with it, and then it takes off.

03:08:54.000 They like forming good sentences that sound intelligent.

03:08:59.000 It's very satisfying.

03:09:00.000 I know.

03:09:01.000 I was watching this girl on TikTok describe how going on a diet is fatphobic.

03:09:05.000 And let me break that down for you.

03:09:06.000 Sure.

03:09:06.000 And she breaks it down.

03:09:07.000 Yeah.

03:09:08.000 But she's saying it in this kind of condescending but educational way.

03:09:14.000 Big words.

03:09:14.000 Let me break that down for you.

03:09:15.000 Thank you.

03:09:16.000 This is why going on a diet is fatphobic.

03:09:18.000 And she's explaining how you should just exist.

03:09:22.000 You shouldn't go on a diet.

03:09:24.000 Because if you go on a diet, you're giving in to fatphobia.

03:09:26.000 Yeah.

03:09:26.000 No, you're not trying to be healthy.

03:09:28.000 Yeah.

03:09:28.000 Like, ignoring the science of health, but enforcing the ideological principles of wokeness.

03:09:35.000 The dominant male patriarchal archetype that tells you that you're fattening it.

03:09:39.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

03:09:40.000 I love it when they string all those words together.

03:09:42.000 Me too.

03:09:42.000 It's just gobbledygook.

03:09:43.000 It's just nonsense.

03:09:44.000 It's blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

03:09:47.000 My favorite is like, I'm non-binary.

03:09:49.000 My pronouns are fairy-weathered.

03:09:51.000 I'm also da-da-da-da-da-da.

03:09:54.000 And pansexual.

03:09:55.000 Yeah, yeah.

03:09:55.000 I'm pansexual and non-binary.

03:09:59.000 Wee!

03:10:00.000 Must be fun.

03:10:01.000 Nobody cares.

03:10:01.000 You get to coast.

03:10:02.000 You get to be in the LBGT community with little to no effort.

03:10:07.000 You don't have to blow anybody.

03:10:10.000 Right?

03:10:10.000 You just say you're non-binary.

03:10:12.000 You don't even have to fuck guys.

03:10:13.000 You could have sex with girls, just like normal, and be non-binary, and you're in.

03:10:18.000 You're in the LBGT queue.

03:10:19.000 See, that's why I think it's wrong.

03:10:20.000 I think you should have to suck dicks to say you're part...

03:10:23.000 You know what I'm saying?

03:10:24.000 If you're going to claim...

03:10:25.000 What if you're A? Which one's A? Asexual.

03:10:29.000 They let them in too.

03:10:30.000 That's not fair.

03:10:31.000 People don't even want to fuck.

03:10:32.000 Who wants to fuck more than gay guys?

03:10:34.000 And they're in that group.

03:10:35.000 That's what's crazy.

03:10:37.000 How come you guys aren't fucking as much as us?

03:10:39.000 All they do is fucking up a storm.

03:10:41.000 I know.

03:10:41.000 Gay guys have the most fun.

03:10:42.000 They fuck up a storm.

03:10:44.000 So it's them.

03:10:44.000 They're at the top of the fuck pyramid.

03:10:46.000 And then you've got everybody else underneath them.

03:10:48.000 God, could you imagine how much fun it would have been?

03:10:50.000 Like a gay guy.

03:10:52.000 Before the AIDS? Well, yeah, pre-AIDS, obvious.

03:10:55.000 Yeah.

03:10:56.000 Even like, okay, like late 90s, pre-woke.

03:11:00.000 We had a hold on HIV. Things were calmed the fuck down.

03:11:03.000 I lived in San Francisco.

03:11:04.000 Did you ever have a time where you were worried that you could have caught it?

03:11:07.000 All the time.

03:11:08.000 From the time I, from 1984 until I got married.

03:11:12.000 Because they put the fear of God into us.

03:11:15.000 Yeah.

03:11:16.000 Remember that shit?

03:11:17.000 Remember when Magic got it?

03:11:18.000 I do.

03:11:19.000 Magical Johnson got it.

03:11:20.000 I remember being in my car driving, listening to the radio, and they announced that Magic Johnson had HIV, and I was like, oh my god.

03:11:27.000 I know.

03:11:29.000 Looks great.

03:11:30.000 And Cookie stayed with him.

03:11:31.000 Well, he got the right medicine.

03:11:33.000 You know, they use those protease inhibitors.

03:11:36.000 No, I don't think it's AZT. AZT was the one they stopped using because it was killing them quicker than AIDS was.

03:11:42.000 Oh, but he got it.

03:11:43.000 AZT was a complicated one.

03:11:45.000 I think...

03:11:47.000 The history of AZT and HIV, that's a long one to go into.

03:11:52.000 But the protease inhibitors, I think, were the big drugs that help people.

03:11:56.000 They get to a point where they don't even test positive for it anymore, which is wild.

03:12:00.000 It's amazing.

03:12:00.000 Yeah, it just clears it out of their system.

03:12:02.000 Jeff Scott had it.

03:12:03.000 Oh, no.

03:12:04.000 We used to share joints with him with no fear.

03:12:06.000 I know.

03:12:07.000 Imagine.

03:12:08.000 Because when I was in the 90s, I was so scared.

03:12:11.000 I thought of times that I had sex without a condom on the road, like if I had gotten someone that had HIV, and they gave it to me, and I didn't even know, and it has a 10-year incubation period.

03:12:22.000 I remember there was fear.

03:12:23.000 Some road beef.

03:12:25.000 Terrifying stuff.

03:12:27.000 When you're 22, 23 years old, you don't make the best fucking safest choices when you're out there.

03:12:32.000 And then all of a sudden I'm taking an insurance test to see if I've got HIV. I'm like, oh my God, I was fucking terrified.

03:12:38.000 I know.

03:12:40.000 Because when I was 23 or 24, you thought everybody was going to die of it.

03:12:43.000 I know.

03:12:44.000 That was the thing.

03:12:44.000 We were waiting for the shoe to drop because it was that 10-year incubation period they scared you with.

03:12:49.000 Yep.

03:12:49.000 He does a 10-year incubation period.

03:12:52.000 So for 10 years you could be fine.

03:12:54.000 And then all of a sudden it starts...

03:12:59.000 Well, I remember in the beginning, they thought you could get AIDS from cat saliva.

03:13:03.000 And my mother was like, don't pet cats because the saliva gives you AIDS. Do you remember about mosquito scare?

03:13:09.000 Yes, I do remember the mosquito scare.

03:13:12.000 Mosquitoes could give you AIDS. Mosquitoes might give you AIDS. Oh my God.

03:13:15.000 Everybody was scared.

03:13:16.000 I remember when Tom and I did South Africa.

03:13:21.000 Like a decade ago.

03:13:23.000 And he goes, I'm such a dick.

03:13:26.000 We're like, just try, like, what's the most offensive thing you could say?

03:13:30.000 And he goes up and he's like, who here doesn't have AIDS? And people clap, like, I don't have AIDS. And you're like, oh, there was so...

03:13:41.000 And so he said that on stage?

03:13:42.000 Oh my God.

03:13:42.000 Who here doesn't have AIDS? Oh my God.

03:13:46.000 It was so funny.

03:13:48.000 You know they really do think that HIV came from someone that had contact with a monkey.

03:13:54.000 I do know that.

03:13:55.000 And here's the deal, is that I say that to people and they're like, you're out of your mind, Christina.

03:14:00.000 I'm like, no, it was believed that a guy had sex with a monkey, right?

03:14:03.000 No, they don't think that anymore.

03:14:04.000 Oh, okay.

03:14:04.000 No, they think it was from butchering a monkey.

03:14:08.000 Yeah.

03:14:09.000 They think when they're cutting up monkeys for bush meat, and they do do that, that they might have had a nick in their hand or get the blood in their hand.

03:14:19.000 If you're living in the jungle, you get scratches all over you, right?

03:14:22.000 If you get blood from this HIV-infected monkey on those scratches, that was one of the theories.

03:14:28.000 But what about the gay flight attendant who had butt sex with the monkey?

03:14:31.000 I don't think that's real.

03:14:33.000 I think that's like the Richard Gere gerbil rumor.

03:14:37.000 Or the Rod Stewart stomach pump rumor.

03:14:40.000 Remember that one?

03:14:41.000 Yeah.

03:14:42.000 There's so much cum in his stomach.

03:14:43.000 Can you imagine how much you have to hate somebody to spread that rumor?

03:14:47.000 And then you've got to go on the radio and go, I just want to let everybody know I did not suck all those cocks and have to get me fucking stomach pumped.

03:14:57.000 Rod Stewart is such a cocksman.

03:14:58.000 Nobody is like, oh, that guy's gay.

03:15:01.000 No way.

03:15:02.000 Well, sometimes it's a trick, right?

03:15:03.000 Sometimes they pretend to be a cocksman.

03:15:05.000 They really just...

03:15:06.000 I didn't even realize that.

03:15:07.000 Oh my God, remember growing up and we all thought that Liberace wasn't gay?

03:15:12.000 Um, I never remembered thinking he wasn't gay.

03:15:16.000 Oh, I bought the narrative.

03:15:18.000 I think I didn't have a narrative on him.

03:15:20.000 You know, I didn't think about it because I don't give a fuck about a guy playing the piano.

03:15:23.000 Unless he's Jerry Lee Lewis or Billy Joel.

03:15:26.000 You didn't have a poster of Liberace in a young Joe Rogan's room?

03:15:29.000 But, you know, Liberace's early stuff is bizarre.

03:15:32.000 Really?

03:15:33.000 Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

03:15:34.000 Tell me.

03:15:35.000 There's a song called When Liberace Winks at Me, and it was like a famous song where a woman was singing, and Liberace was just playing the piano, and he would look over at her and wink, and she would like...

03:15:48.000 So it was like her pretending that she was in love with Liberace.

03:15:54.000 She's this giant fan of Liberace, and Liberace pretending that he's seducing her.

03:15:58.000 Winking at her.

03:15:59.000 So he's not gay.

03:16:00.000 The whole song is when Liberace winks at me.

03:16:03.000 You gotta look at us.

03:16:04.000 No, we're gonna play it right now.

03:16:06.000 And we have to think about it from the context, before you play it, you gotta think about it from the context of the time.

03:16:11.000 I mean, this is like, what is this, like 1950 or something like that?

03:16:15.000 I love this.

03:16:15.000 This is before gays existed.

03:16:17.000 Well, they couldn't be out, that's for sure.

03:16:19.000 No, no, of course.

03:16:20.000 Can you play it?

03:16:22.000 I'm going to say 55. Can you imagine having to do these ridiculous videos to pretend that you're into women?

03:16:34.000 Well, I mean, that was the only way.

03:16:36.000 And back then, you couldn't, you know, there was nothing you could do.

03:16:41.000 So sad.

03:16:41.000 Is it Peggy King?

03:16:42.000 Is that the woman?

03:16:44.000 She's featured in it.

03:16:45.000 Can you just play it?

03:16:46.000 Yeah.

03:16:46.000 Because it's fun.

03:16:48.000 It really is.

03:16:50.000 I haven't heard of this.

03:16:51.000 I'm so excited.

03:16:51.000 It's a window into another world.

03:16:55.000 So he's on TV playing piano.

03:16:57.000 And she's sitting alone in her drab apartment.

03:17:01.000 Bored out of her fucking mind.

03:17:03.000 And he's playing piano.

03:17:07.000 He winked.

03:17:12.000 Stop, stop, pause.

03:17:13.000 This has got to be a better version of it.

03:17:14.000 This is terrible.

03:17:15.000 It sounds like shit.

03:17:17.000 There's another version I've heard that sounds pretty clear.

03:17:19.000 Look how beautiful people were back then.

03:17:22.000 Even with her cigarette.

03:17:23.000 Yeah, she was so beautiful.

03:17:24.000 Sitting there smoking that dirty cigarette.

03:17:25.000 I loved her and her hair rolled up and just so elegant.

03:17:29.000 Do we have another version that sounds...

03:17:31.000 That sounds fucked, right?

03:17:32.000 Didn't it sound fucked to you?

03:17:33.000 Yeah, but I had no way to know that.

03:17:36.000 Yeah.

03:17:39.000 All right, let's just play it.

03:17:41.000 We're dragging it out too long.

03:17:42.000 But when you watch it, you've got to think about this 1950s whatever it was scene.

03:17:50.000 Look at that.

03:17:54.000 Look at her cigarette.

03:17:55.000 Totally normal to have a cigarette back then.

03:17:57.000 Pregnant women.

03:17:58.000 Pregnant women.

03:17:58.000 My mom smoked with me.

03:17:59.000 Drinking?

03:18:00.000 Of course.

03:18:01.000 Low birth weight is good.

03:18:06.000 Look at her.

03:18:11.000 Jackson kind of has a LBGT hair style going, doesn't she?

03:18:17.000 Look at her.

03:18:25.000 Every fiber in her being seems to quiver.

03:18:27.000 Oh, I thought I said my beaver quivered.

03:18:29.000 That too.

03:18:30.000 Watch this.

03:18:36.000 Oh my gosh.

03:18:38.000 You see the clink?

03:18:40.000 You see he winks and he's got like a spark?

03:18:42.000 When he winks it gives you a little star where his eye is.

03:18:45.000 That was heavy duty special effects.

03:18:47.000 Somebody had to go in on those frames and like make the star over his eyeball.

03:18:52.000 But you know this is the studio being like, alright guys we all know Liberace.

03:18:56.000 Why is it the wink?

03:19:00.000 Look at her sitting there.

03:19:04.000 What's her tiny desk?

03:19:05.000 I don't know but she's hot.

03:19:06.000 So weird.

03:19:07.000 She's gorgeous.

03:19:11.000 When was this again?

03:19:12.000 I don't know, man.

03:19:13.000 I'm just taking a guess.

03:19:14.000 Man, it looks like the 50s or 60s.

03:19:16.000 I think it's, well, it's black and white, which was, when did color TV start?

03:19:22.000 What was this?

03:19:23.000 Because they didn't have music videos, you know, it wasn't a music video.

03:19:26.000 Probably a television show.

03:19:27.000 It was probably a television show.

03:19:30.000 I don't know.

03:19:31.000 It said Peggy Lee, right?

03:19:32.000 This is Peggy Lee?

03:19:33.000 Isn't that what they said?

03:19:34.000 Yeah.

03:19:35.000 She's Peggy Lee.

03:19:36.000 Oh, Peggy King?

03:19:37.000 Is that what it says?

03:19:38.000 Yeah.

03:19:38.000 Not Libby something.

03:19:40.000 Because you know this is a PR move of like, hey, we know that Liberace is into guys.

03:19:45.000 We have to completely shift that so no one gets a whiff.

03:19:48.000 That is, of course.

03:19:49.000 Could be.

03:19:50.000 Yeah, for sure.

03:19:51.000 It could also just be like that's the kind of music they made back then.

03:19:56.000 Yeah, I don't think that was like...

03:19:58.000 Even if you told people, like if Liberace butt-fucked a gymnasium full of football players, it doesn't...

03:20:05.000 Like, who are they going to tell?

03:20:06.000 Go ahead, tell anybody.

03:20:07.000 You know, there's like NBC, CBS, and ABC, and that's where Liberace live.

03:20:12.000 Spread your rumor.

03:20:13.000 He's out there with fucking giant sequins on, banging guys.

03:20:17.000 Go tell.

03:20:17.000 Did you see the movie with Matt Damon?

03:20:19.000 Amazing.

03:20:21.000 Amazing.

03:20:23.000 Kurt Douglas as Liberace.

03:20:25.000 So good.

03:20:26.000 Amazing.

03:20:26.000 There's a few parts of my favorite.

03:20:28.000 The favorite is when he gets so much surgery that he can't sleep with his eyes closed.

03:20:32.000 Yes.

03:20:33.000 And then number two, when he makes his lover, Matt Damon, look like a younger version of him.

03:20:38.000 Yes.

03:20:38.000 He made him get a chin implant.

03:20:40.000 Yeah.

03:20:40.000 Is that true?

03:20:41.000 Yes.

03:20:42.000 Yes, it's real.

03:20:44.000 Oh, I went down a rabbit hole.

03:20:45.000 Joey Diaz had one of the best bits ever about that documentary.

03:20:50.000 It's a fucking amazing bit.

03:20:51.000 There's no real FA words again.

03:20:55.000 I love when he says that bit.

03:20:57.000 I wish I could remember all the parts of the bit, but the point is that all happened.

03:21:04.000 That was real.

03:21:05.000 Oh, yeah.

03:21:05.000 He really did get that guy to do that.

03:21:07.000 Could you imagine fucking?

03:21:08.000 You're like, I want to fuck a younger version of me.

03:21:12.000 How narcissistic.

03:21:13.000 I mean, do people masturbate into the mirror like American Psycho?

03:21:17.000 I bet Liberace's jack went off in front of a mirror before.

03:21:21.000 Wild.

03:21:22.000 Yes, wild.

03:21:23.000 Wait, that's so weird.

03:21:23.000 See if you can find the actual guy's face from behind the candelabra, the Liberace's lover who got plastic surgery.

03:21:32.000 Is that him?

03:21:34.000 Yeah, that's him.

03:21:34.000 Or is that a wax figure?

03:21:36.000 No, I think that's him.

03:21:37.000 But as time went on, he got more and more surgery.

03:21:41.000 Like he got his chin done to look like a Liberace.

03:21:44.000 Stop.

03:21:46.000 Yeah, wild.

03:21:48.000 Libroxy's there with a fucking penis pump just sending it home every day.

03:21:53.000 He died in 88, huh?

03:21:55.000 Yes.

03:21:55.000 Wow, he got out just in time.

03:21:56.000 I remember when he died.

03:21:57.000 My mother was devastated, and she was so surprised that he was gay.

03:22:01.000 I'm like, oh, look at the doctor.

03:22:03.000 Rob Lowe was the doctor.

03:22:05.000 The California diet?

03:22:07.000 Yeah.

03:22:07.000 The pills?

03:22:08.000 So good.

03:22:08.000 What is the actual guy's face after surgery?

03:22:13.000 See if you can find the actual guy's face.

03:22:15.000 Because he had some wild...

03:22:17.000 Surgery.

03:22:17.000 He was on one of those television shows, one of those talk shows.

03:22:21.000 He was on...

03:22:22.000 They were talking to him about the film.

03:22:25.000 And was this accurate?

03:22:26.000 Was this really what Liberace was like?

03:22:29.000 And he's like telling a story and you're looking at his face and you're just like, fucking yikes.

03:22:34.000 Oh, buddy.

03:22:38.000 Oh, poor baby.

03:22:39.000 Yeah, see?

03:22:39.000 So you see his chin?

03:22:40.000 Yeah.

03:22:40.000 That's like an artificial chin.

03:22:42.000 He got his chin done to look...

03:22:44.000 That's fucking wild.

03:22:47.000 I mean, the dude made him get a chin.

03:22:49.000 You think this chin is so sexy?

03:22:52.000 Well, you're gonna get one too.

03:22:54.000 And he just made him.

03:22:55.000 Poor Scott.

03:22:57.000 Fuck Scott.

03:22:58.000 He's like...

03:22:58.000 Take your lumps.

03:22:59.000 That's the life you chose.

03:23:01.000 Would you do that for a lover?

03:23:02.000 It's like, how far would you go for a good life?

03:23:04.000 First of all, if Scott was a woman, I'd feel bad.

03:23:07.000 Oh, but he's a guy.

03:23:08.000 Fuck the guy.

03:23:08.000 Fuck you, Scott.

03:23:09.000 See, why do we think fuck the guy?

03:23:11.000 That makes me sad.

03:23:12.000 Well, it's just how it works.

03:23:13.000 I know, but I have...

03:23:14.000 Listen, I have tremendous...

03:23:16.000 Here's the deal.

03:23:18.000 My husband's out doing all the work right now.

03:23:21.000 He's out doing arenas.

03:23:22.000 He's in a different city every night.

03:23:23.000 I get to stay home and sleep in our bed.

03:23:25.000 That's great.

03:23:26.000 Who won?

03:23:27.000 You know what I'm saying?

03:23:28.000 Like, really?

03:23:28.000 Are you in competition with each other?

03:23:30.000 What the fuck are you saying?

03:23:31.000 No.

03:23:31.000 No, I'm saying it's societally.

03:23:33.000 Oh.

03:23:33.000 Well, there's not a...

03:23:34.000 You know, you're winning if you enjoy your life.

03:23:36.000 No, I know, but I feel bad for him.

03:23:37.000 You clearly enjoy your life and he clearly enjoys his life.

03:23:40.000 Yeah, but he chose to do this wacky tour.

03:23:41.000 I know, and I feel sad for him.

03:23:42.000 It'll be over, and he'll never do it again.

03:23:44.000 But I hate that men...

03:23:45.000 You know what makes me sad is that men die early.

03:23:47.000 I think I heard on your podcast a million years ago, like their brains atrophy and they get like a...

03:23:53.000 Trying to make me feel bad?

03:23:56.000 It's all your fault, and it's Joe Rogan's fault, and...

03:24:00.000 Yeah.

03:24:00.000 They die early.

03:24:01.000 You're very sympathetic to men.

03:24:03.000 But women have a lot of fucking problems, too.

03:24:06.000 I know, I know.

03:24:06.000 We all do.

03:24:07.000 Everyone's got it.

03:24:08.000 Humans, we have to do a lot better at taking care of ourselves, Christina.

03:24:11.000 You're right.

03:24:12.000 We need to exercise.

03:24:13.000 We do.

03:24:14.000 And our minds, too.

03:24:16.000 I know.

03:24:16.000 All of the above.

03:24:17.000 And don't eat the phthalates.

03:24:19.000 Well, you're going to get those no matter what.

03:24:21.000 Don't microwave stuff with plastic on it.

03:24:23.000 Not good.

03:24:24.000 That shit's in your body, for sure.

03:24:26.000 That shit's in your body.

03:24:27.000 What do you got there?

03:24:28.000 What's that?

03:24:32.000 There's a recent study they were just doing.

03:24:34.000 They've been able to detect microplastics in the blood for the first time.

03:24:39.000 Oh, fuck me.

03:24:40.000 In people's blood.

03:24:40.000 And everybody's got them.

03:24:42.000 They say you have so much microplastics that I think it's every week.

03:24:47.000 It might be every day.

03:24:48.000 You eat a credit card.

03:24:50.000 What?

03:24:51.000 Yeah.

03:24:51.000 No, no, no.

03:24:53.000 No, no, it's not a year.

03:24:55.000 I think it's more than a year.

03:24:58.000 It was weird.

03:24:59.000 It was a weird number.

03:25:01.000 You might be right.

03:25:01.000 Fuck, what do I have to do?

03:25:02.000 I have to grow my own food?

03:25:03.000 I want to say it was like a month.

03:25:05.000 I want to say it was like a credit card a month.

03:25:07.000 Oh, it was every week.

03:25:08.000 Every week?

03:25:09.000 Yeah, see, it's not a year.

03:25:11.000 It's a credit card every week.

03:25:14.000 Imagine that.

03:25:14.000 So a credit card.

03:25:15.000 When you were saying it, I was like, he's probably right.

03:25:18.000 It's probably a year.

03:25:19.000 And I exaggerated.

03:25:20.000 And then I'm like, no, I don't think so.

03:25:21.000 That's how nuts it is.

03:25:22.000 It's so nuts that knowing it's true doesn't help me.

03:25:25.000 I still can't imagine I'm really eating a credit card worth of plastic every week.

03:25:29.000 What am I eating in it?

03:25:30.000 Is it the plastic bottles?

03:25:30.000 It's in everything.

03:25:31.000 It's a little microplastics and they slowly accumulate.

03:25:35.000 It's in drinking water.

03:25:36.000 Everything.

03:25:37.000 Shellfish, beer.

03:25:38.000 Milk.

03:25:39.000 I mean, it's fucking nuts.

03:25:41.000 It's in everything.

03:25:42.000 So these microplastics are, we've infested the world with microplastics.

03:25:46.000 Cool.

03:25:47.000 And that's phthalates.

03:25:48.000 That's where the phthalates are coming from.

03:25:50.000 That's where all this, like, a lot of this gender bender shit is coming from, too.

03:25:53.000 I remember that lady.

03:25:55.000 Do you know what's so funny about the gender stuff, by the way?

03:25:58.000 Five grams of plastic per week.

03:25:59.000 The equivalent of one credit card.

03:26:00.000 Oh, fuck.

03:26:00.000 Don't tell me that.

03:26:01.000 Like, all my old school gay friends, like people my age that I've grown up with, I'll be like, what do you think about this whole gender stuff?

03:26:09.000 And they're like, it's fucking bullshit.

03:26:11.000 You know, like, my older gay dude friends are like, nah, I don't buy it.

03:26:15.000 I didn't do it.

03:26:15.000 That's crazy.

03:26:16.000 And I'm like, well, I trust you.

03:26:18.000 I don't know.

03:26:19.000 Maybe it's just a way to, like, be different, you know?

03:26:21.000 My favorite was when Caitlyn Jenner didn't believe in gay marriage.

03:26:24.000 I was like, that is hardy-ha-ha-ha.

03:26:29.000 That was hardy-ha-ha-ha.

03:26:31.000 She's changed her tune since.

03:26:33.000 She believes in it now.

03:26:34.000 Good for her.

03:26:35.000 But I think she was a kind of staunch Republican at one point.

03:26:38.000 I think maybe still is.

03:26:39.000 Yeah, she's still Republican.

03:26:40.000 She's hilarious.

03:26:41.000 I follow her on Instagram.

03:26:42.000 It's like when Kanye has the MAGA hat on, no one knows what to do.

03:26:48.000 I don't know what to do.

03:26:49.000 The world's topsy-turvy!

03:26:52.000 Now, do you think the world...

03:26:54.000 Every generation thinks the world is ending.

03:26:57.000 Are we just...

03:26:58.000 Aware of it more now?

03:27:00.000 No, things are happening.

03:27:01.000 There's things that are happening that could set in motion actions that could change civilization forever.

03:27:08.000 There's a lot of those things.

03:27:10.000 There's evidence of real corruption that's ignored.

03:27:16.000 There's real threats of war, including nuclear war with Russia.

03:27:20.000 There's real threats of some sort of a cyber war with China.

03:27:24.000 Like, there's weird...

03:27:27.000 Environmental problems that some people tell you don't have to worry about and other people tell you they're going to kill everybody.

03:27:32.000 You know, there's a lot going on now.

03:27:34.000 And then on top of that, you have natural disasters.

03:27:36.000 I mean, every six to eight hundred thousand years, Yellowstone blows.

03:27:42.000 And when it blows, it's a continent killer.

03:27:46.000 It's a continent killer.

03:27:47.000 It's going to wipe out almost everything on this continent.

03:27:50.000 And the last time it blew was 600,000 years ago.

03:27:53.000 And they have hundreds of earthquakes there.

03:27:59.000 Hundreds, thousands even in a year.

03:28:01.000 I think they said they have hundreds of earthquakes every month.

03:28:05.000 Like that's how many earthquakes they have at Yellowstone.

03:28:07.000 The ground is constantly rumbling.

03:28:09.000 There's geysers you can time because there's so much volcanic activity that the water shoots up at the specific amount of these increments.

03:28:17.000 Old Faithful.

03:28:18.000 I've seen that in cartoons.

03:28:20.000 I've been to Old Faithful.

03:28:21.000 Yeah?

03:28:21.000 That's fucking boiling water shooting out from underneath the earth.

03:28:25.000 But that's a volcano.

03:28:26.000 You know, they didn't even know about that until they flew satellites over it.

03:28:29.000 Really?

03:28:30.000 Yeah, they flew satellites over it and they realized it was a caldera.

03:28:36.000 What's left is like the enormous crater of a volcano that was, I want to say it was like 300 kilometers wide.

03:28:46.000 So it's an enormous volcano, and it blows the top of it off, and it's just left with a crater.

03:28:53.000 So when it blows, it just kills everything.

03:28:57.000 California's dead.

03:28:58.000 Nevada, dead.

03:29:00.000 Oregon, dead.

03:29:01.000 Everyone up there, dead.

03:29:03.000 Everyone's dead.

03:29:04.000 Yeah.

03:29:05.000 If it blows, everyone's dead.

03:29:07.000 Like, all the way down to Florida.

03:29:08.000 And they're gonna die, too.

03:29:09.000 They're gonna get eaten by alligators or something.

03:29:11.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

03:29:11.000 Everyone's fucked.

03:29:12.000 What about us?

03:29:13.000 Are we safe in Austin?

03:29:14.000 We're fucked.

03:29:14.000 No, no, no, no, no, no.

03:29:15.000 If that thing goes, nobody lives.

03:29:20.000 You literally have to be living on New Zealand with some sort of a supply of food.

03:29:26.000 Those kind of things, they don't just kill people.

03:29:28.000 They send the planet into nuclear winter.

03:29:32.000 So they stop all the sunlight from coming in so the temperatures drop and then food doesn't grow and you have massive famines and it takes years for the shit to come out of the sky.

03:29:41.000 You know what's crazy, bro?

03:29:42.000 Is how fragile all this is.

03:29:44.000 Super fragile.

03:29:45.000 I think about, and especially because I watched when Elon, when he's on here, and he's like, we're going to go to space because we have to go to the next thing because Earth will be, it's fragile.

03:29:55.000 It's fragile.

03:29:56.000 It's really fragile.

03:29:57.000 And I think even with the pandy, you realize like, oh, government's not going to take care of anything.

03:30:03.000 Like, yeah.

03:30:04.000 You call it the Pandy, too.

03:30:06.000 Didn't Hotep Jesus call it the Pandy?

03:30:07.000 Call it the Demi.

03:30:08.000 The Demi, that's right.

03:30:09.000 Hotep called it the Demi yesterday.

03:30:13.000 Yeah, you realize how ridiculous, how tenuous this all is.

03:30:17.000 Society.

03:30:18.000 Like, oh, I trusted the government more before this pandemic.

03:30:22.000 And I'm like, oh, this is bad.

03:30:26.000 I'm not going to trust anybody.

03:30:29.000 I'm going to move to Texas and buy some guns and buy some land.

03:30:31.000 I'm getting off.

03:30:32.000 I'm done.

03:30:33.000 I didn't think about whether I had to trust the governor.

03:30:36.000 Right.

03:30:37.000 But they didn't have that kind of power over your life.

03:30:40.000 Right, right.

03:30:40.000 And then when all of a sudden they did, you're like, what?

03:30:42.000 And then you realize, when you hear that Eric Garcetti guy talk on TV, you're like, oh my god, you're a moron!

03:30:48.000 You're the governor?

03:30:49.000 You're the mayor rather?

03:30:50.000 No.

03:30:51.000 Oh my god.

03:30:52.000 And you're full of shit.

03:30:53.000 You said you took a photo with your mask so you held your breath?

03:30:56.000 Shut the fuck up.

03:30:58.000 Yeah, you'd like to think that people in those positions are smarter than us or just like superior people and they're not.

03:31:05.000 They're just dipshits like us.

03:31:06.000 Some of them are great and some of them are only doing that job because most smart people don't want it.

03:31:13.000 If you had all the people that are working as CEOs and engineers and all these really brilliant people, if they wanted to be president, they'd have a far better argument than most of these dullards, most of these fucking weirdos.

03:31:26.000 There's a political class of people in this country that are basically bad actors.

03:31:32.000 They're like fucking weirdos.

03:31:34.000 They're weirdos with like fake stances on things and they have these weird outbursts on Twitter and they're just fucking strange people, man.

03:31:44.000 And they're out there and they're running at least part of how the cultural conversation takes place.

03:31:50.000 I know.

03:31:51.000 Could you imagine being president or wanting to be?

03:31:55.000 What a nightmare.

03:31:57.000 Or be Speaker of the House.

03:31:59.000 Remember when Chuck Schumer and Nancy Pelosi got on their one knee for George Floyd with African garb on?

03:32:06.000 That's who those people are.

03:32:07.000 That's who those people are.

03:32:09.000 And it turned out that the pattern that they used was from a tribe that was particularly invested in the slaving industry.

03:32:17.000 Yeah.

03:32:20.000 Of course.

03:32:20.000 That's what happens when you fucking pander to people.

03:32:24.000 Yeah, that's a thing.

03:32:25.000 But those are the only people that are running for that job.

03:32:27.000 That's the thing.

03:32:28.000 If you had some genius person, the genius people go to work for Google.

03:32:32.000 Yeah.

03:32:32.000 The genius people go to work for Facebook.

03:32:34.000 They're doing their own job.

03:32:34.000 Yeah, well, they start their own businesses.

03:32:36.000 They don't want to invest in this broken-ass system and have a bunch of people lie about them and have this bizarre cult of personality ritual takes place where you're literally having a popularity contest to see who runs the city.

03:32:50.000 I know it's so stupid.

03:32:52.000 And then, who was I listening?

03:32:53.000 I forget where I read this.

03:32:54.000 That 51% is a landslide.

03:32:57.000 A landslide.

03:32:58.000 So half the fucking, half of humanity hates you.

03:33:02.000 And then 51% have to like you.

03:33:05.000 It's just bananas.

03:33:06.000 And no matter who wins.

03:33:07.000 If it's a Republican, they're going to take away our rights.

03:33:09.000 They're going to take away this and take away our abortion.

03:33:11.000 If a Democrat wins, they're going to tax us in.

03:33:13.000 They're going to let the illegal aliens in.

03:33:15.000 They're going to ruin our economy.

03:33:17.000 The jobs are going to go away.

03:33:21.000 It's so exhausting, but I love it here.

03:33:24.000 I love it here so much better.

03:33:25.000 I do too.

03:33:26.000 This is a great middle ground because it's a very progressive, open-minded city, but it's surrounded by guns.

03:33:32.000 And I kind of like them now, and I grew up very, very, very Angeleno, and I didn't realize what a bubble it was culturally.

03:33:39.000 Not that I, like, I still fucking mad respect for 818, always, but like...

03:33:43.000 818 till I die!

03:33:45.000 Always, bro.

03:33:46.000 Always.

03:33:47.000 Like, I love L.A., but now that I'm out of it, I'm like, oh, okay, no one gives a shit about the stuff they care about.

03:33:53.000 Like, out here, it's just, it's not...

03:33:56.000 They're trapped in a mind virus.

03:33:58.000 Right now, there's some kind of a hysteria, yes.

03:34:02.000 Yeah.

03:34:03.000 Friends that I have that come here to Austin and then they come for a couple days, they're like, dude, it's like I'm in a different world.

03:34:08.000 Yeah.

03:34:11.000 LA's a lot better than it was.

03:34:12.000 It was a lot better this last time that I went than like seven, eight months before that.

03:34:18.000 Yeah.

03:34:18.000 The previous time.

03:34:19.000 It's not their fault.

03:34:20.000 It's not the people of LA. It's the government.

03:34:22.000 It's the government.

03:34:23.000 If they had lived the same way that Texas did, you would have the same amount of people dead.

03:34:30.000 Most likely.

03:34:31.000 So I was on Dr. Phil's podcast, and he said that.

03:34:34.000 He's like, there's some study out there that did the mortality rates on Florida, Texas, California.

03:34:39.000 He said that the outcome was the same, which is devastating.

03:34:42.000 Especially when you adjust for age.

03:34:45.000 They were trying to say that Florida had more deaths, but you have to adjust for age because Florida's age is relatively high.

03:34:51.000 A lot of retirees go there.

03:34:52.000 Look, it's not good for anybody.

03:34:54.000 That fucking disease is not good for anybody.

03:34:56.000 It's not good.

03:34:57.000 But it's also not good to lose your fucking business.

03:35:00.000 And it's a respiratory illness.

03:35:01.000 And they've never been able to control a respiratory illness from spreading.

03:35:04.000 And this whole two-week-to-stop-the-spread shit didn't work.

03:35:08.000 And then it became two months.

03:35:09.000 And then it became...

03:35:10.000 You can't dine outdoors because of...

03:35:13.000 You know, that's really what it was in LA. There was no science at all showing that there was outdoor transmission.

03:35:19.000 And they were arresting people for fucking paddleboarding.

03:35:22.000 Remember that?

03:35:24.000 No, but I... They sent a boat out to arrest this dude for fucking paddleboarding.

03:35:27.000 So silly.

03:35:29.000 Yeah, the Coast Guard was arresting a paddleboarder.

03:35:31.000 But even now, I was just in LA. Everyone had COVID. Everyone's got it.

03:35:34.000 Yeah.

03:35:35.000 It's like, it's...

03:35:36.000 Guys, I don't know.

03:35:37.000 I don't know.

03:35:37.000 I don't know!

03:35:38.000 Yeah.

03:35:39.000 Well, we're going to be okay.

03:35:41.000 Or we're not.

03:35:43.000 Why we're not?

03:35:44.000 Or Yellowstone blows.

03:35:45.000 And that's the least of our worries.

03:35:47.000 But that's the reality of natural disasters, asteroid impacts, alien invasion.

03:35:53.000 You've got real shit to worry about.

03:35:55.000 Not your fucking pronouns.

03:35:56.000 Yeah.

03:35:57.000 You needy bitch.

03:35:58.000 Yeah.

03:35:59.000 Yeah.

03:36:01.000 Alright, so it's Mom Jeans.

03:36:03.000 It's available right now.

03:36:04.000 Thank you.

03:36:04.000 It's on the Netflix.

03:36:05.000 Thank you for having me.

03:36:07.000 Look at that.

03:36:07.000 You look like a woman from like the 1970s or something from a television show.

03:36:12.000 That's what you look like.

03:36:13.000 You know what I wanted, Joe Rogan?

03:36:14.000 I wanted to transcend.

03:36:16.000 You did transcend.

03:36:17.000 Today because the world sucks.

03:36:18.000 They did a great job on your set.

03:36:19.000 Isn't that gorgeous?

03:36:20.000 It's very nice.

03:36:20.000 Where'd you film this?

03:36:21.000 New York City, the Gramercy Theater.

03:36:23.000 Ah, fuck, it's beautiful.

03:36:25.000 Yeah, and John Irwin.

03:36:27.000 Damn.

03:36:28.000 He just crushed it.

03:36:29.000 You look great.

03:36:30.000 Thank you.

03:36:31.000 I wanted something beautiful and something funny, and I say a lot of crazy shit.

03:36:35.000 I say a lot of inappropriate stuff that's going to get me in a lot of trouble, and I don't care.

03:36:39.000 Well, you're one of my favorite comedians alive.

03:36:41.000 You're one of mine too.

03:36:42.000 I adore you.

03:36:43.000 I adore you.

03:36:45.000 Let's wrap this up.

03:36:47.000 People want to get a hold of you on the Instagram.

03:36:49.000 At the Christina P. Christina P. The Christina P. And what else?

03:36:55.000 Twitter, Christina P. YMHstudios.com.

03:36:58.000 Listen to your mom's house.

03:36:59.000 You got a Danny Brown show now.

03:37:00.000 Oh!

03:37:02.000 I love it.

03:37:03.000 I saw the clip on the Instagram.

03:37:05.000 I'm like, that's one thing that's cool about what you guys have a whole studio.

03:37:10.000 He makes us laugh so hard.

03:37:10.000 Danny Brown's a cool guy.

03:37:11.000 You gotta come to YMH Studios, bro.

03:37:13.000 Check it out.

03:37:13.000 I would love to.

03:37:15.000 Anytime.

03:37:16.000 Anytime on there.

03:37:17.000 That's it.

03:37:17.000 Bye, everybody.

03:37:18.000 See you soon.

03:37:19.000 Bye!

The Joe Rogan Experience - May 13, 2022

Joe Rogan Experience #1818 - Christina P

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