Joe Rogan Experience #1834 - Ari Shaffir, Shane Gillis & Mark Normand
Episode Stats
Length
3 hours and 17 minutes
Words per Minute
187.88449
Summary
This week, the boys are joined by comedian and friend of the show, Joe Rogan, to talk about a variety of topics. They talk about his trip to the Four Seasons, how he shard his pants in the pool, and what it's like to be black and white in the same place. They also talk about racism in the entertainment industry and whether or not it's ever acceptable to be a white guy in a Chinese movie. Also, the guys talk about the best and worst movies of the 20th century, and the weirdest things people have ever done with their dicks. Joe also talks about how he's going to play a trans woman in his new movie, and why he thinks trans women should get a dick. The boys also discuss the fact that trans women still have dicks, and how they should keep them in their pants. They also discuss why trans women shouldn't have to have a dick at all. And, of course, there's a little bit of racism in this episode. Just pay the episode and you're not going to get much more than that in the future episodes of the podcast. Enjoy! Joe and the boys - The Joe Rogans Experience Logo by Courtney DeKorte. Theme by Mavus White. Music by PSOVOD and tyops. Artwork by Skynet. by Cody Johnston. Thank you for listening to this episode of JOE ROGRJRJAN! and we hope you enjoy the episode! - Thank you so much for all the love, support, support and support, and share the podcast, and spread the love. - thank you, Joe ROGAN. XOXO. xoxo. and thank you for all your support, bye bye, bye, Joe, bye! Love ya, bye. Cheers, bye - Joe R.J. and bye, Bye, Bye. - The Jerks! - EJ & KSI. <3 - MURDER, EJ. ( ) - THE JOE JOGAN AND THE BOYS. MURCHEYS! - JOE & JAYE. . - PODCAST AND KELLY AND KAREN AND KAYLOR AND KEROSHA. AND KEVAN AND JOSEPH M.
Transcript
00:00:06.000
Train by day, Joe Rogan Podcast by night, all day.
00:00:35.000
If I leave in the middle of the podcast, I'm like, oops, be right back, boys.
00:00:40.000
I just want to let everybody know that I... Did you?
00:01:06.000
I had that tight underwear that kept it all in.
00:01:32.000
You guys always give me shit about not drinking enough.
00:01:40.000
Both of you have been partying with the Kreischer.
00:01:44.000
I've done it in the past, but I'm going next week on the fully loaded.
00:01:47.000
Your mustache seems like you're losing hair here.
00:02:08.000
You should be sitting on a box peeling something.
00:02:09.000
It's like John Wayne when he played Genghis Khan.
00:02:14.000
That's the closest they get to Asians, so like, eh.
00:02:16.000
I'll tell you what, I'm on a roll all the way to Beijing.
00:02:20.000
Have you ever seen John Wayne play Genghis Khan?
00:02:35.000
They didn't use Asians, so they just had Whitey do the voice.
00:02:42.000
There was a white guy who played a Chinese detective.
00:03:00.000
Charlie Chan was like in the 1950s, I think it was.
00:03:03.000
There was a guy who played like the smartest detective and it was a white guy who played, there it is, completely white guy who they fucked with his eyes and made him look Chinese.
00:03:21.000
You can't play a trans person now, unless you're trans, which seems weird.
00:03:26.000
You should get a fucking pass if you suck a dick.
00:03:31.000
But a lot of trans women still have sex with women.
00:03:44.000
You know, I've been paying attention to the operations.
00:03:49.000
Because I had a guest who had a friend who had an operation, and it was a disaster.
00:03:54.000
They transitioned, and then she started explaining to me all the issues that happened with it, including growing hair inside, because they tucked inside, and then you grow hair inside.
00:04:11.000
Yeah, and then she turned me on to this video of this person talking about all the infections that they get because they've had the operation, the transition operation.
00:04:20.000
So they recommend, like she was recommending, like keep, you know, you can still be a woman, just keep your cock.
00:04:31.000
It's pretty good because you get the dick and two women.
00:04:35.000
Yeah, but then you're kind of whacking off to somebody with a dick.
00:04:42.000
It's the least gay of porn, because you got a girl.
00:04:51.000
I'm not judging, but then you're whacking off to a guy with a dick's tits.
00:04:59.000
Yeah, but then what's the point of enjoying that?
00:05:09.000
It is annoying when they focus on the dude too much in a porn.
00:05:14.000
Like, why are you showing his face when he comes?
00:05:40.000
Because those are the people that made all the money.
00:05:45.000
I used to have a guy in my neighborhood that lived right down the street from me during the golden days when they sold DVDs.
00:05:52.000
He had a fat Mercedes, lived in a beautiful house, and he was making all this money.
00:06:02.000
The internet came along and took the fucking legs out of that company.
00:06:08.000
I mean, the government bailed out all kinds of companies.
00:06:13.000
There was never a peep about bailing out the porn industry.
00:06:25.000
But it's literally billions of people watching.
00:06:37.000
Yeah, like, look at the views on a YouTube video versus a YouPorn video.
00:06:44.000
Like, unless you're watching a Justin Bieber video, which gets giant numbers or, you know...
00:06:51.000
But just for an average video, what are the odds?
00:07:16.000
I think porn websites probably make money by selling your data.
00:07:26.000
Data is a thing that nobody saw coming, but it's one of the biggest commodities in the world.
00:07:32.000
Have you ever seen when you use a browser, like Brave Browser or something like that, and it shows you how many people are trying to track you that it blocks?
00:07:50.000
Every time you go to a kayak and try to look at prices, and then you go back a minute later, it's up.
00:07:55.000
Because they know you just searched, so you want this trip.
00:08:04.000
There's a doctor that died right after taking the jab.
00:08:09.000
I was trying to look up the story, what his deal was, did he have a previous heart condition, what happened.
00:08:17.000
I researched the guy's name on DuckDuckGo, instantly found it.
00:08:28.000
And at least when they say the first one's like, ad, ad, ad, you're like, alright, at least you're saying the ad thing so I know what you're doing.
00:08:33.000
But then it's like, what they'll allow to be seen first.
00:08:37.000
You go to Lyft and you're like, oh, that's too much.
00:08:50.000
The ads represent the things that you're interested in.
00:08:55.000
But in another way, it's like, how the fuck do you know I need those shoes?
00:08:59.000
But it's also like, it doesn't allow you to be exposed to other kinds of shoes.
00:09:09.000
If you're selling, say, workout equipment, and there's a guy who's constantly looking up CrossFit classes, that's the guy you want to sell to, because he's the guy that's interested in that shit.
00:09:19.000
So it's very effective for the people that are advertising, but it's...
00:09:23.000
The problem is it's like they're selling your data.
00:09:26.000
They're making fucking untold billions of dollars and they're also influencing elections, influencing policy.
00:09:33.000
They're doing all this stuff with the money that they get from your data.
00:09:37.000
It's a very sneaky thing because nobody ever saw it coming.
00:09:40.000
We all thought, you know, you go Google something, oh, it's just a free way to find out what the answer to my question is.
00:09:49.000
You didn't realize that you are actually the commodity.
00:09:54.000
Yeah, apparently Johnny Depp put a lot of dough into social media, and that helped everybody realize that Herd was a coos.
00:10:26.000
She wrote an article, which turned out she didn't write the article.
00:10:31.000
The ACLU ghost wrote the article in exchange for her donating money that she never gave them.
00:10:42.000
Did you see that woman interviewing her after the fact?
00:10:45.000
She did an interview after the court was over, and it was even worse.
00:11:11.000
And we all want her to fall in love with Johnny, secretly, right?
00:11:19.000
So Savannah Guthrie, you know, she wouldn't let her up the hook.
00:11:31.000
But it's just like, I don't know what she was thinking taking this fucking interview.
00:11:37.000
She's saying, look how wrong the justice system is.
00:11:49.000
She's really hot, but she's not a good actress.
00:12:07.000
You should have a grain of salt whenever they say something like that.
00:12:27.000
Anything those people say publicly, though, you've got to be like, you're involved in your image.
00:12:45.000
And, you know, there's all kinds of stuff going on.
00:12:55.000
But I'm just saying, it's like, how come you don't get mad at everybody?
00:12:58.000
Well, it just exposes the weirdness of woke, because it's not consistent or logical.
00:13:09.000
It's also people that are cowards, and they're terrified of someone coming after them, so they want to be on the right side that's the most aggressive.
00:13:20.000
It's flipping already if you look at the elections.
00:13:22.000
I mean, there's places that were, like, historically Democrat that are going red now.
00:13:35.000
And also, like, look at what happened with SpaceX.
00:13:37.000
SpaceX just, a bunch of employees just organized to try to, they wanted to do something about Elon Musk, try to get Elon Musk to step down from SpaceX, literally something he found.
00:13:48.000
They were saying that he's damaging them by being on Twitter, and they were trying to get people to sign this petition.
00:13:58.000
They fired the people, and they said that they were bullying people to try to get them to sign a petition that they didn't want to sign.
00:14:16.000
They were doing this, they protested Louie at some comedy club, all the local comics, and then when it was over, like, don't support this club, and then afterwards they signed up for spots at the club, and the owner was like, no.
00:14:28.000
You guys told people not to support my business.
00:14:34.000
I mean, it's the same exact kind of feeling that the person gets when they're being attacked.
00:14:42.000
You know, you're not trying to have a dialogue or a discussion with someone.
00:14:44.000
You know, you're literally trying to attack their livelihood and you're trying to do it in this like really weird way.
00:14:59.000
You're a white man with a reverse Hitler mustache drinking Bud Lights.
00:15:09.000
That was Milo's best moment, was when he told those girls, like, you can't talk, we're talking about women.
00:15:13.000
And then when they were like, we're talking about men right now, you need to shut up.
00:15:24.000
I mean, now, I mean, he's like Marjorie Taylor Greene's intern.
00:15:54.000
She said that publicly, the Jews have space lasers.
00:16:13.000
Marjorie Taylor Greene, space laser, and the age-old problem of blaming the Jews.
00:16:24.000
Why conspiracy theorists always end up pointing the finger at Jews.
00:16:29.000
Why that's a problem for the GOP. Explain this, Ari.
00:16:35.000
No, but there's a thing about the disproportionate amount of Jews who've won Nobel Prizes.
00:16:43.000
Our culture values education hard, and we're just like, look, we're not great athletes.
00:16:51.000
But you've got to fire under your ass, too, because of what happened.
00:16:53.000
So you've got to make hay while the sun's not holocausting.
00:16:56.000
Yeah, but they were winning Nobel Prizes even before that.
00:16:58.000
Fire under your ass might not be the best way to describe what happened.
00:17:03.000
Yeah, I don't know, because the Sephardic Jews aren't as successful.
00:17:08.000
It is interesting that every conspiracy theory does end at Jews.
00:17:19.000
But they're so smart, I think people get jealous.
00:17:32.000
It's so preposterous when you look at the actual number of European Jews versus the general population of the world and the number of European Jews that have won Nobel Prize.
00:17:44.000
But meanwhile, the whites, the real whites, not like the whites like me, the real whites.
00:17:51.000
But those whites, like the Marjorie Taylor Greene whites, they always want to blame the Jews.
00:18:00.000
On stage he goes, some Jewish lady who was in the audience goes, why do people hate the Jews?
00:18:04.000
She goes, well, you'd think if everybody hated me, I'd ask a couple questions.
00:18:12.000
But it's weird because you can't always tell who's a heeb, you know?
00:18:22.000
If you hate Asians, you hate black people, you can spot them.
00:18:25.000
With Jews, you've got to be like, what's your last name?
00:18:36.000
They did a documentary on him in, like, 99, 98, somewhere like that.
00:18:39.000
And I've seen it before, but I watched it again the other day.
00:18:46.000
He had some stuff about this family that, you know, stays together because they fuck.
00:18:51.000
And, like, in the cartoon, it's like the guy mouth-fucking his daughter.
00:19:03.000
He did Genesis, but he was already famous when he decided to do the Bible.
00:19:09.000
He's a very famous underground comic book guy who, back in the day, he dropped acid, and then all of a sudden he started doing these really weird, surrealist cartoons.
00:19:24.000
And the women all had giant legs and giant asses.
00:19:28.000
And so a lot of women were really happy that he did this because he made them hot.
00:19:40.000
Oh yeah, he's a really, really interesting guy.
00:19:47.000
He moved to France, but if he lived today, he would last for like five minutes before he'd be cancelled.
00:19:52.000
Look at how he's banging that girl and choking her.
00:20:01.000
He would carry them around on his back, or she would rather carry him around on her back.
00:20:10.000
There's a lot of, oh my god, heavy racism and some of this stuff.
00:20:14.000
But he was mocking that racism, but if you just take it in, you know, see how he's like riding this girl's back?
00:20:22.000
Like in the documentary, he actually has this big girl and he's like riding her back.
00:20:34.000
Because he did this cartoon on the Jews, and that's what you look like, Ari.
00:21:29.000
This isn't how I wanted to get started on this guy.
00:21:37.000
Are you really keeping up with Shane with beer?
00:21:53.000
I very admire, I very much admire your work ethic, the way you handled preparing for your special.
00:22:07.000
I drank some N.A.'s while I was here in Austin.
00:22:14.000
I was trying to get my skin looking good for my special.
00:22:18.000
Dude, I saw myself in a bathroom in Vail, and it was bad.
00:22:34.000
Speaking of which, can you throw over that BT? Yeah.
00:22:56.000
So we're drinking JRE Buffalo Trace and smoking JRE Foundation cigars.
00:23:41.000
And he goes, I thought this was like 200 bucks each.
00:23:46.000
There's some great cigars that are very reasonably priced.
00:23:52.000
Cigars are great for men and they're great for women you can't trust.
00:24:01.000
Women want to smoke cigars and hang out with the boys.
00:24:17.000
Somebody said that once, like, never trust a girl who doesn't have girlfriends.
00:24:22.000
But the older they get, they lose all their friends.
00:24:28.000
Never trust a man who doesn't have men friends.
00:24:37.000
Because a woman could be friends with her husband or her boyfriend and just go out with her boyfriend or her husband's buddies, and that seems reasonable to me.
00:24:45.000
But a guy who only hangs out with his girlfriend and his girlfriend's girlfriends...
00:24:53.000
I'd excuse it if you're trying to fuck them all.
00:25:13.000
And there's a type of girl who goes for a guy like you.
00:25:24.000
I can't believe you said that about my lady, dude.
00:25:30.000
What do you think she found out about your stuff?
00:26:11.000
I think I didn't get enough food when I was small.
00:26:30.000
He has to say, he word associates and has to say.
00:26:34.000
So the other night we went out to Stubbs, last night, got barbecue.
00:26:38.000
The waitress goes, pardon my reach, and reached over and goes, Jack Reacher!
00:27:10.000
Me and Norm were talking about it last night at the fucking pool at the fucking nice hotel.
00:27:16.000
I had this conversation with my mom last night.
00:27:26.000
You got scheduling, but all you gotta do is show up and shoot the shit.
00:27:30.000
Sit in a nice hotel, talk to my friends, shit in my pants.
00:27:57.000
Look, nobody's better off the cuff with road association than Hinchcliffe.
00:28:09.000
Can I just say, if everyone's in a circle and you're passing weed, people are like, no thanks.
00:28:30.000
And you promised you'd keep up with me on Bud Lights.
00:28:53.000
I said if I could get to half as much of them, I would die.
00:29:12.000
If you drink a lot of it, you're gonna get fucked up.
00:29:46.000
I played a little bit of baseball, and then leaving a baseball game is how I really got into martial arts.
00:29:58.000
We were bored and it took too long to get on the tee because everybody was leaving, so the tee was crowded.
00:30:03.000
And so me and my friend Jimmy, we were like 14. And I walked up this street, and there was a karate school, a taekwondo school.
00:30:12.000
And I went up the stairs, and right when I was going up the stairs, there was this guy named John Lee.
00:30:26.000
And I walked in at the peak of his training, at the top of his game, national champion.
00:30:49.000
When any video you post, you fucking hit in the bag, I'm like, God damn.
00:30:53.000
No, you've never seen a leg kick until you see him kick Eleanor in the butt.
00:31:03.000
That was more of a loud noise than an actual...
00:31:27.000
Her thing was like, she would be a motorcycle rider, she would crush a pool ball in her hand.
00:31:41.000
That's hardcore Irish Philly jeans right there, ladies and gentlemen.
00:32:23.000
So for him, this is probably like a fucking dream come true for him.
00:32:51.000
Give the guy credit for fucking going out there like that.
00:33:19.000
I always thought he was wrestling with his sexuality.
00:33:21.000
He thought he was wrestling with his sexuality.
00:33:33.000
They actually offered Hinchcliffe a job of writing for the WWE, but he didn't want to do it because he'd have to move to Connecticut.
00:33:49.000
Who's the more fun commissioner of any sports league?
00:34:17.000
There was a lot of famous Jewish boxers in the beginning of the 20th century.
00:34:21.000
Yeah, you guys used to be tough before Dominicans got into it.
00:34:27.000
It was Jews, and then it was a lot of Irish and Italians, and a lot of black people, and then a lot of Puerto Rican people, and then a bunch of Cubans and Mexicans and all that stuff.
00:34:38.000
But in the early, early days of the 20th century, there was a lot of Jews.
00:34:45.000
It's typically who has it worst at the time is doing the best at boxing.
00:34:52.000
I like the days of when Max Schmeling fought whoever.
00:34:56.000
It's like, the black man could never beat the white man.
00:34:59.000
He's like, that's how they're breaking it down.
00:35:01.000
Schmeling was the Nazi boxer, but he was forced into that position.
00:35:05.000
Apparently Schmeling was a nice guy, and Hitler propped him up because he was a German, and he knocked out Joe Louis in their first encounter.
00:35:13.000
And then when Joe Louis destroyed Schmeling in the rematch, it was like a giant victory for America.
00:35:26.000
Like, the whole country was racist, black people were gross, whatever.
00:35:30.000
But watching Joe Louis fight this German motherfucker, you got behind him.
00:35:39.000
I think Joe was on the scale, getting weighed in.
00:35:56.000
Joe Lewis had some of the most perfect technique in the history of the heavyweight division.
00:36:01.000
The way he would throw a right hand, no telegraphing it at all.
00:36:25.000
You guys ever see the video of Hitler at the 36 Olympics tweaking on meth?
00:36:34.000
He's just sitting there like rocking back and forth, like barely keeping together.
00:36:50.000
Burr had a bit about Hitler, and then he's like, can you imagine getting in a limo with an even angrier Hitler after that race?
00:36:58.000
Like after he sat there and watched Owens fucking torch him.
00:37:24.000
Is that why they were researching to make it like a perfect soldier?
00:37:27.000
They realized that when people are on meth, they're fearless, they have crazy energy.
00:37:32.000
You probably know the story of Hitler confronting Mussolini.
00:37:35.000
Mussolini wanted to get out of the war, and Hitler was like, apparently he was so fatigued that he was at the point of exhaustion, and they shot him up with testosterone and meth.
00:37:46.000
And then he went straight to Mussolini and talked his fucking ear off for like five hours.
00:38:12.000
Well, I think it was just, he just beat him to death with his voice.
00:38:18.000
I don't know what he's saying, because I don't speak German, but when you listen to him talk, when he's addressing those giant crowds, I was like, who was a better orator?
00:38:41.000
He would talk, and then he would stop and go, Oh, let's see Mussolini then.
00:38:46.000
I think Hitler's probably better, so we'll watch Mussolini first.
00:38:56.000
Before we bring it up, Churchill, they had to bring him out of the fucking...
00:39:02.000
They literally have a cigar named after him, Churchill.
00:39:06.000
They were like, you're the only dude in England that can talk shit.
00:39:19.000
It's like a, not Hunter S. Thompson type, but it's that type of thing where it's like, morning whiskey, I'll type something fucking after, like 9 a.m.
00:39:30.000
You know who else does that is Queen Elizabeth.
00:39:32.000
She has like a gin and tonic, then a gimlet, and then a, you know, like Four Loko or whatever, but she's She has a schedule with booze.
00:39:47.000
Duncan thinks that the Biden that fell off the bike yesterday was a fake Biden.
00:40:01.000
I couldn't have been happier to watch that guy fall.
00:40:38.000
That's why I'm kind of amazed that he falls down so much, because if you look at his legs, they look pretty sturdy.
00:40:52.000
Every time you fell, that many people would help you up.
00:41:02.000
No matter what, you see somebody fall off a bike, you're happy.
00:41:07.000
But when they're that old, it becomes really funny.
00:41:10.000
Like if a 20-year-old guy falls like that, it's not as funny as a 79-year-old guy falling like that.
00:41:15.000
The president coming up and being like, hey everybody.
00:41:19.000
Because it used to be they used to joke around about Gerald Ford being clumsy.
00:41:23.000
That was the last guy that they talked about being a klutz.
00:41:28.000
Yeah, he would fall walking up the Air Force One stairs.
00:41:37.000
Well, his foot got stuck in the little fucking pedal thing, and he thought he was going to lean his weight on his right leg, but he had already tried to get his foot out of the pedal thing, and he already committed to going down.
00:42:04.000
It's funny, before it was like, did he get assassinated?
00:42:09.000
Yeah, Biden, it's such a, that'd be so funny to be like the PR people on that and be like, we're gonna get you, you're gonna be riding a bike.
00:42:20.000
Speaking of assassinating, you know, Hinckley just got out of jail.
00:42:25.000
Well, he's doing shows, but the first venue that had him in Brooklyn, they canceled.
00:42:30.000
Because they were getting so many death threats.
00:43:50.000
Do you think he was like one of the Manchurian candidates?
00:44:49.000
The kind of guy who has the balls to shoot at Reagan.
00:45:14.000
Manson actually thought he was going to get a recording deal with Brian Wilson of the Beach Boys.
00:45:28.000
I forget the details, but it had something to do with one of the murders.
00:45:33.000
I know it's pre-cancer culture, but you can't be murdering a bunch of people.
00:46:11.000
When you hear about the MKUltra shit, it's wild.
00:46:19.000
He's actually Greg Fitzsimmons' next-door neighbor for like 20 fucking years.
00:46:25.000
Fitzsimmons is the one who told me about the guy.
00:46:28.000
He's been working on this Charles Manson book for 20 fucking years.
00:46:34.000
He had to give money back to publishers because he didn't finish the book because he developed so much material.
00:46:41.000
Because he got into it from the perspective of, like, it was an anniversary thing, the anniversary of the murders, and he was writing this book.
00:46:51.000
And so as he's writing the book, he realizes, like, oh my god, the whole story...
00:46:56.000
It was originally an article, and then he turned it into a book.
00:46:58.000
But he's like, the whole story of Manson's wrong.
00:47:01.000
But what's really about is the CIA giving LSD to hippies.
00:47:05.000
And he was one of the guys they experimented with.
00:47:10.000
100% there was some fuckery involved in Manson because he kept getting out of jail easy.
00:47:29.000
Not only did they give him acid, they taught him how to use acid to manipulate people and convince them to commit murders.
00:47:38.000
The CIA trained Charles Manson, I think, allegedly, maybe not, maybe somebody who was a rogue agent in the CIA. This is not official government policy.
00:48:02.000
I think it's the old CIA. I think the CIA back then in the 60s, during that MKUltra period, there were different animals.
00:48:17.000
He was in Alcatraz and they were like, hey, this is for schizophrenia.
00:48:28.000
Juror who helped convict crime boss Whitey Bulger feels guilty after learning he was in MKUltra.
00:48:35.000
Whitey Bulger wrote to a juror who convinced him that he would be dosed with LSD, monitored by a physician, and repeatedly asked leading questions like, would you ever kill anyone?
00:48:56.000
Ted Kaczynski was a part of the LSD studies at Harvard.
00:49:01.000
They did all kinds of wild shit to him and fucked with his head.
00:49:06.000
There's a great documentary on Netflix about him.
00:49:11.000
Well, the Kaczynski one, it's all about the Unabomber, but it's like how fucked up his childhood was.
00:49:16.000
He had some kind of weird disease when he was a baby, and so they put him in this hospital where they didn't touch him at all for months.
00:49:26.000
They didn't touch him at all because he had this, the parents weren't allowed to visit him, and when he came out of that...
00:49:34.000
No, no, they experimented on him later with LSD, but this was just a fact that he was just sick, and they took him to this hospital to take care of him, and when they did, they didn't allow his parents to visit him, and no one handled him.
00:49:45.000
So when he was a little fucking baby, no one was taking care of him.
00:49:48.000
All the emotional attachment to people, they literally created a sociopath.
00:49:54.000
Because his brother is the one who turned him in.
00:50:02.000
By the way, you ever see what happened to that cop in Oklahoma City?
00:50:17.000
There's a cop that was like first on the scene at Oklahoma City that like...
00:50:30.000
...was the sergeant at Oklahoma City Police Department who was one of the first responders at the site of the Oklahoma City bombing, rescuing at least four people.
00:51:00.000
Apparently the first thing he said to his wife was like, they're not telling the story at all of what happened.
00:51:07.000
Well, you know, there was multiple bombs allegedly removed from that building.
00:51:12.000
And when you look at the way the building blew up, this is like one of the granddaddies of conspiracy theories, is the Oklahoma City bombing.
00:51:21.000
Because if you look at the building itself, what does it say there, Jamie?
00:51:25.000
Okay, when you look at the building itself, they said it was a fertilizer bomb, which they do make.
00:51:31.000
And that they parked this truck at the base of the building and blew it up.
00:51:34.000
But if you look at the building, the building's blown outward.
00:51:39.000
Now, I'm obviously not a fucking bomb expert, but I talked to one.
00:51:53.000
If you look at the images of the building, if you look at the images of...
00:52:12.000
Now imagine a truck at the base of the building causing all that damage and the way it's blown outward.
00:52:19.000
Now, it might be how a bomb would, if you had a fertilizer bomb at the bottom of the building, but what this guy was explaining to me, and again, I don't even remember his fucking name, but the guy was telling me, it was like, fertilizer bombs aren't that strong.
00:52:35.000
He goes, but they don't do that kind of damage to a structure.
00:52:45.000
Google bombs were removed from Oklahoma City building.
00:52:58.000
But there was a story in the news and on TV about they removed several bombs.
00:53:03.000
This is people that were at the scene right after it happened.
00:53:06.000
So before all the propaganda got into place, allegedly, tinfoil hat securely fastened, they had these guys saying that they were on television, that they were removing bombs from the building.
00:53:25.000
No, but it happens a lot, especially with a school shooting or something where they're like, we've heard there's a second shooter that was apprehended.
00:53:31.000
And then the conspiracy people latch onto that.
00:53:38.000
Well, that was a big thing with the 9-11 thing, with Tower 7. The way Tower 7 went down...
00:53:47.000
What you guys did to Tower 7 was a little out of pocket, dude.
00:53:54.000
Tower 7 is a building that was near the Twin Towers and it went down.
00:54:02.000
But if you look at the long version of the video, it's different.
00:54:06.000
See, the long version of the video, you see that it collapses in the center before it all collapses all around it.
00:54:11.000
The way they do a controlled demolition is they hit these bombs and they go off in order on all these floors.
00:54:22.000
What happened with September 11, when you look at the way Tower 7 falls, it falls just like in controlled demolition, but the inside of it collapses first, because there was these crazy fires inside the building, and it destroyed the structure from the inside, because there was diesel tanks in the basement,
00:54:43.000
It was everything started collapsing, and when the top levels collapse, everything just goes down.
00:55:00.000
I'm neither a bomb expert or a structure expert.
00:55:05.000
Why did that one go down when it wasn't hit by a plane?
00:55:08.000
The official story is there was a lot of damage to the building, and then there was fires in the basement.
00:55:13.000
From the fucking two giant buildings falling right next to it.
00:55:23.000
Two eyewitnesses inside the Murrah Building who attest that they observed bomb squad personnel removing undetonated explosive devices from the building after the initial blast.
00:55:46.000
If you're an eyewitness, and this is a problem, whenever anything happens, it's fucked.
00:55:49.000
And this is what I was saying about September 11 with Tower 7. Whenever anything happens, it's fucked, everybody's memory's a mess.
00:55:59.000
If you've seen a bunch of people die and a building collapsed, you hear explosions, you think Yeah.
00:56:04.000
You think that a guy fleeing his deli is a terrorist.
00:56:07.000
It's like no one knows exactly what they're feeling because it's such a novel event.
00:56:15.000
That all of your senses are on fire and you're terrified and you're also shocked.
00:56:25.000
That's the problem with eyewitnesses after someone gets assaulted.
00:56:33.000
This is the guy who was the first responder on the scene.
00:56:41.000
Okay, he ran back and forth into that concrete mass of bricks and mortar all day long, continued beyond exhaustion, far into the night.
00:56:48.000
He scraped and crawled and dug until his fingers bled and then kept digging some more.
00:56:53.000
On a cadre of heroes that day, Terry's performance was outstanding.
00:56:58.000
On May 11th, the following year, he was scheduled to receive the Medal of Valor from the Oklahoma City Police Department.
00:57:09.000
The official report said suicide, in quotes, in anyone who believes an ANFO bomb destroyed Murrah.
00:57:45.000
What appeared to be rope burns on his neck, handcuff bruises to his wrists, and muddy grass embedded in his slash runes strongly indicated that he has some sort of help in traversing this final distance.
00:57:57.000
Was that corroborated or is this a Tripoli site?
00:58:06.000
It's the most prestigious establishment in all the internet.
00:58:17.000
The bullet's entrance wound was in the right temple above the eye.
00:58:21.000
It went through the policeman's head and exited in the area of the left cheek near the bottom of the ear loop.
00:58:26.000
The trajectory was 40 to 45 degrees angle above his head.
00:58:33.000
No weapon was ever reported as found at the scene, but independent investigation speculated that Yeeke shot himself with a standard police issue Glock 9mm or.357 Magnum.
00:58:44.000
His head would have been far more destroyed than he apparently was.
00:58:51.000
So they think they might have shot him with like a.22.
00:58:56.000
Anyway, I don't know what that means at all, but boy did they kill that guy.
00:59:00.000
Although Yeeke incident occurred some 30 miles away in a different jurisdiction, the investigation was quickly taken over, taken out of the hands of the El Reno police and the Canadian County Sheriff, and turned over to the Oklahoma City Police Department and the FBI. No homicide investigation was ever conducted,
01:00:07.000
I'll take anything free you send me, I'll wear it.
01:00:26.000
There's some shit that gets so big that Ed Hardy's out.
01:00:39.000
Everybody cool and then he's like, I don't know.
01:00:47.000
Where's the popularity weighing, though, on a thing?
01:00:55.000
Once you see people you fucking hate wearing it, you're like, oh, this sucks.
01:01:10.000
Like, you weren't anybody if you didn't have a fucking Van Dutch hat on.
01:01:12.000
You had to have that trucker hat on and go to that premiere, and you looked like a fucking superhero.
01:01:18.000
They tapped into what people thought was cool for a minute.
01:01:31.000
It was instrumental, because I, you know, coming from a guy with a flat ass, a Hank Hill.
01:01:41.000
I know, but I'm thinking about the girls with the Hank Hills.
01:01:44.000
Remember when you would see a guy out with a Juicy?
01:01:49.000
I don't think I ever saw a guy with the juicing.
01:02:16.000
Because a lot of white guys were trying to pull it off, and it was...
01:02:20.000
I grew up in a tough black neighborhood, and I sagged.
01:02:34.000
I feel like back in the day it was all about fitting in, not standing out, and now it's all about standing out.
01:02:47.000
He's like, if I walk down the street and a bunch of guys called me a fag, he's like, I got off easy.
01:02:52.000
But now, that's like the biggest problem on the planet.
01:03:04.000
But isn't it amazing how fads change a body type?
01:03:08.000
Like, you look at Paris Hilton in 2005. Bone thin.
01:03:16.000
Because Kim Kardashian blew up bigger than her, and she had that big ass.
01:03:27.000
No one knew that people liked big asses until...
01:03:39.000
But it's like, for a long time, women in the 70s, they didn't have asses.
01:03:57.000
Dude, I just watched Jessica Simpson's fucking...
01:04:28.000
Oh my god, remember that moment when the fucking lip sync went out of SNL? I was watching it live.
01:04:37.000
Do you think that a music engineer did that on purpose?
01:04:48.000
The industry, you know, maybe you're like, really an Elvis Costello fan or something.
01:04:51.000
Or if she was a cunt to him or something, and then he's like, you know what?
01:05:02.000
Wait till you see the group and the dancers with her.
01:05:29.000
It's crazy to think that back then they're like, I gotta get rid of my big ass.
01:05:42.000
Don't you guys feel differently than you did 20 seconds ago?
01:05:49.000
This shot in Baton Rouge when I was at LSU, and Johnny Knoxville would go to the bar every night.
01:05:54.000
I don't know if I should be saying this, but he would go to the bar every night and Clean up!
01:06:06.000
Is that one of those things you can't get twice?
01:06:17.000
Like, uh, no, trust me, you can't get it twice.
01:06:18.000
Not one of those girls ever saw the bottom of a squat rack.
01:06:32.000
I remember when I was in Philly, I lived near Drexel, and Matt had a fucking pass to go into Drexel's gym, and I would go in there and see there's young Asians working on their asses.
01:06:46.000
I said, there's a wave of thick Asians headed our way.
01:06:52.000
I don't think we would be able to survive this.
01:06:57.000
I went to China and Asians will just squat to sit.
01:07:04.000
They go down there and they're like, eh, as long as I'm down here.
01:07:05.000
But you see a guy just smoking, squatting on the sidewalk like this.
01:07:11.000
Dude, women are hotter than they've ever been right now.
01:07:27.000
Whether you can sit ass to heels on the ground.
01:07:47.000
No matter how weak your knees are, just go further for the forward.
01:07:48.000
No, but some people, they just don't have the range of motion in their knees.
01:08:31.000
How many of your stories did you put on specials from China?
01:09:11.000
I'm talking village, Africa, huts, like, all in.
01:09:15.000
Everybody's, you know, beating women, and the women are just doing that cornmeal shit all day, and then there's a lady doing her hair.
01:09:26.000
I don't know how he did it, but I was like, where's the bathroom?
01:09:30.000
And I'm wearing a full dashiki, the whole thing.
01:09:35.000
I got AIDS. And I go to the bathroom, and it's a hole just in the ground, and I shit in it, and I nailed it perfectly, and right when my turd hit the water, roaches came out!
01:09:48.000
So you're in the most vulnerable position of your life, shitting, and then you're like, there's like 900 roaches coming out of the hole.
01:09:55.000
Dude, I had food poisoning in Myanmar, had to go in all fours, barf into one of those holes, and then go back to fucking diarrhea-ing into it.
01:10:06.000
Callan told me he was in China, and he was shitting into a hole, and he realized there was pigs underneath there.
01:10:12.000
That's probably a big victory for those pigs, though.
01:10:43.000
Rats, uh, like, besides bio-aggression, they're one of the best dog shit cleaner-uppers.
01:11:05.000
When he was telling that shit story, I was like, I know a guy who shit in Africa.
01:11:11.000
You started telling him, I was like, you're the guy!
01:11:25.000
Mosquitoes have killed more people on earth than any war or anything.
01:11:28.000
I'd be so mad if my brother was in the fucking Peace Corps and then my family was like, we're visiting him.
01:11:43.000
We did the whole Africa and then we went there.
01:11:52.000
They don't have catalytic converters there, so there's just a fog like six feet in the air.
01:12:04.000
Flying into Mexico City, it looked like there was a fire.
01:12:53.000
That's crazy that these people are breeding this in.
01:12:55.000
Not only that, but they're also at, I think it's 7,000 feet above sea level.
01:13:07.000
It's probably one of the worst air quality places on Earth.
01:13:19.000
But that's unleaded gasoline versus leaded gasoline.
01:13:23.000
When they first had these engines, and they were using gasoline, the engines were like ping, and they'd make all those, like, how do we stop this from happening?
01:13:32.000
They'd go, oh, we'll just put lead in the gasoline.
01:13:35.000
And then somewhere along the line, they'd go, hey, we did blood tests on people, and everyone's got lead poison.
01:13:43.000
Like, they figured out the leaded gasoline was fucking up everybody.
01:13:47.000
Didn't someone tell us this whole story on the podcast?
01:13:51.000
Or was this someone who talked to me off the podcast?
01:13:57.000
You're 78. Don't you feel like things have changed?
01:14:01.000
You used to see a lot more retarded people, I feel like.
01:14:05.000
Now it's just all autism and ADD and stuff like that.
01:14:08.000
But I feel like you saw the kid with one foot longer than the other.
01:14:22.000
I mean, if you follow the right accounts, you see more of them.
01:14:30.000
Well, we're going to get to the point within our lifetime where you can genetically engineer diseases away.
01:14:45.000
This is one where they engineered out HIV in these people, but made them way more intelligent in the process.
01:15:09.000
They just take the Muslims and bring them to some spot.
01:15:19.000
You know what we did kind of skip over as far as how funny it was during COVID was trying to just netting dudes.
01:15:28.000
Dudes trying to run and get hit with a fucking net.
01:15:31.000
China's CRISPR twins may have had their brains inadvertently enhanced.
01:15:38.000
New research suggests that a controversial gene editing experiment to make children resistant to HIV may also have enhanced their ability to learn and form memories.
01:15:51.000
And those, I believe, Google this, I believe those doctors were arrested.
01:15:58.000
I mean, they were probably arrested and executed, and they were like, write that down, what you learned.
01:16:03.000
If memory serves me correct, which it doesn't always, but I think they let them out.
01:16:10.000
You can tell the guy who discovered COVID, right?
01:16:18.000
The creator of the CRISPR babies has been released from a Chinese prison.
01:16:24.000
Heijiangkui created the first gene-edited children.
01:16:35.000
The CRISPR twins sounds like a group that sells more to me.
01:16:38.000
He was in jail for three years for making it superhuman.
01:16:54.000
We're CRISPR. We're not black, but we're kind of CRISPR. BT. Buffalo choice.
01:17:03.000
Last time you had two sips made me look like a goddamn fool.
01:17:12.000
Well, I feel like you guys were saying, ah, I phoned it in, I phoned it in, so I wanted to show you that I'm going to shit blood.
01:17:19.000
And then you take a piss and you're back to 100%.
01:17:26.000
Once you started talking about going to fucking crazy places, I was like, I can't go yet.
01:17:29.000
Well, I have a benefit in holding my piss in today because I'm dehydrated because I went into the sauna.
01:17:52.000
And then I started pinching the skin around my balls, pinching it.
01:17:55.000
It's like it scratched so much I wanted to claw at it, so instead I pinched my ball skin, and then I got up and I put defense soap, the salve on it, because I know what it is.
01:18:10.000
Outside, all day yesterday, in the yard, I was shooting arrows, I was swimming in the pool, I had wet underwear, I wore them around, and I probably developed- Your paris were soaked.
01:18:26.000
Dude, I had it for a month, and the only thing that worked, I put cultures on there.
01:18:30.000
You always hear, like, hey, you gotta put yogurt on your dick, which didn't work.
01:18:55.000
Here, let me take the shotgun one and then I'll piss.
01:19:06.000
But anyway, so this was like as I lay down, and I don't know why it kicked in when I was sleeping, because I never noticed it at all when I was walking around.
01:19:16.000
My balls were, it was basically like a couple of inches above the taint.
01:19:25.000
I was pinching my, it was, I wanted to claw my balls off.
01:19:30.000
I thought it was always you gotta just shower again and get whatever it is off.
01:19:37.000
We had Father's Day, Family Day, so we were hanging out in the pool, we were doing things outside, and then I shot arrows, and it was like 95 degrees out, and I kept the same underwear on, so it developed some funk down there.
01:19:50.000
So I put the salve on it, and after a while it went away.
01:19:56.000
And then, I guess because of that agitated state, I started having crazy thoughts.
01:20:06.000
Oh, just wild apocalyptic shit about what would it take.
01:20:13.000
I was sitting in my bed going, what would it take for society to completely collapse?
01:20:18.000
And I was like, all it would take is the power going out.
01:20:26.000
I was at a blackout in New York once, and within about two days, you could hear glass shattering, looting, babies crying.
01:20:35.000
The structure of society, the fabric goes down.
01:20:40.000
Especially because they happen all the time in the summer.
01:20:47.000
How quick did you go during COVID to be like, I gotta get something to protect my house.
01:20:52.000
Gun sales went through the roof during COVID. Who, me?
01:21:04.000
As soon as they were like, we're shutting this city, that's hilarious.
01:21:06.000
I was the first guy to move out of LA. I was like, I'm done.
01:21:13.000
If you just play it down the rabbit hole, immediately like, well, if they're out of food, they need food, oh, at some point they're just going to use force.
01:21:21.000
They're going to come to my door for groceries.
01:21:28.000
And people had, like, during the George Floyd protests, when people walked on the streets just smashing windows, going into people's houses, it was wild.
01:21:37.000
Well, he just got a helicopter license for that reason.
01:21:43.000
You gotta understand that this whole thing is like fucking barely glued together with chewing gum.
01:21:54.000
If one thing happens, it just goes down from there.
01:21:57.000
It was Father's Day, so I had a couple of margaritas.
01:22:12.000
Generally, I can jerk off, and then I can go to sleep.
01:22:16.000
I jerked off, but I couldn't pull off going to sleep.
01:22:27.000
Like, she was cool, and then they're like, ah, you're a Republican, so we hate you also.
01:22:38.000
I was gonna tell you another conspiracy theory.
01:23:06.000
A bunch of guys in 2013 broke into where this power plant is, I guess.
01:23:18.000
I forget who brought it up to me, but then I started reading on it.
01:23:22.000
These guys had a tactical attack on these generators.
01:23:26.000
They came in and, with guns, took out like seven multi-million dollar generators and did it in a way where they knew what the fuck they were doing.
01:23:39.000
April 16, 2013, a team of highly skilled gunmen opened fire on the Metcalf Power substation in San Jose, California.
01:23:46.000
In just under 10 minutes, they disabled 17 Transformers and caused $15 million in damage.
01:23:53.000
This is the most important terror attack you've never heard of.
01:24:19.000
No, I was talking to you about it here before the show.
01:24:30.000
Fiber optic lines were cut not far from U.S. Route 101 outside of San Jose.
01:24:35.000
The substation loses internet and phone service.
01:25:11.000
So the flashlight's there, and then they open fire.
01:25:18.000
And then they just shoot at these Transformers.
01:25:43.000
It's the Putin price hike, you fucking communist.
01:25:55.000
But they were saying it like it was, you know...
01:25:59.000
Officers arrived and found everything quiet, unable to get past the locked fence, and seeing nothing suspicious, they left.
01:26:30.000
September 2016. Four years ago, it was pretty late.
01:26:34.000
They could have had him in a dormant state, waiting to activate him.
01:26:58.000
You stab the bottom and then you crack the top.
01:27:03.000
I just give it to somebody who grew up that way.
01:28:45.000
Hey, before you do this, don't ruin all of our equipment.
01:30:06.000
And you're like, well, what kind of fucking job am I going to have?
01:30:21.000
If they're like, Shane, you've got to keep fucking up.
01:30:26.000
I was kicked out of school, suspended, expelled, and who knew it would work out.
01:30:33.000
Those guys at West Point, they're like, if you drop out of West Point now, you're going to be a fucking loser.
01:30:41.000
Do you know how much of a loser I felt not going to college right out of high school?
01:31:01.000
I told him I'd give him five grand if he drinks as many beers as much.
01:31:24.000
Let me tell you something about Ari you probably don't know.
01:31:36.000
I found that out when I played in pool, and I found that out when I did jiu-jitsu with him.
01:31:41.000
I gave Ari jiu-jitsu lessons for a year as a Hanukkah present, and he started going, and the first time I trained with him, I was like, this motherfucker takes this serious.
01:31:57.000
Once somebody's already back, which they were every day, I was in there fucking sliding the arms.
01:32:19.000
No, we were, look, At the time, I think it was a brown belt, and R was a white belt.
01:32:24.000
And so I was explaining what to do and what not to do, and he fucking...
01:32:36.000
Sometimes during drills, you'd fight back, and I'd be like, well, hey, let me try hard.
01:32:59.000
He caught me off guard, but he's hyper competitive.
01:33:14.000
It's all about how long you keep your heart at 140 beats a minute.
01:33:19.000
If it was a weightlifting competition, I'd agree with you.
01:33:21.000
Yeah, baseball's not a weightlifting competition.
01:33:27.000
Whether he used steroids to beat me in an athletic competition.
01:33:36.000
I did testosterone replacement therapy, which I do always.
01:33:45.000
I'm fucking doing this sober trying to wake up in the morning with no coffee.
01:33:48.000
I knew when we started that Ari was going to be the biggest threat.
01:34:01.000
This is like, so we did a podcast, and this is when, look how ripped he was.
01:34:14.000
I'm telling you I've been burling the freedom across the Rhine River.
01:34:20.000
I will never do this again, but I'm really glad we did this.
01:34:25.000
Bert claimed that I was cheating, and then we're like, let's do a hike together and see how many points we got.
01:34:29.000
He got way more points from me for the same hike.
01:34:49.000
Well, it's just he got into crazy shape, but he just didn't keep going.
01:34:53.000
That's got a million and a half views there, Ari.
01:35:00.000
I still paid my fucking gym account for four years before I realized.
01:35:08.000
Ari realized that you can watch a movie while you're doing it, and it's way easier.
01:35:13.000
So he went to the gym and watched a movie and racked up these big numbers.
01:35:17.000
This is the beginning of the month where we're trying to figure it out.
01:35:22.000
These idiots would go to sleep thinking of their head.
01:35:46.000
So Tom was a big threat too, because Tom's got a strong mind.
01:35:50.000
I watched every one of your specials on a gym, beating you.
01:35:57.000
I watched your specials, just running, watching them.
01:36:13.000
It's like, how much time are you willing to stay on the thing?
01:36:46.000
I set off the fire alarm in my gym from my sweat.
01:36:55.000
It was a bedroom that I converted into a gym, and I sweat so hard that I set off the fire alarm.
01:37:19.000
I set off the fire alarm with steam for a while.
01:37:27.000
We got into a heated battle at one point in time.
01:37:30.000
It was getting crazy where guys are putting up these big numbers, working out three, four hours a day.
01:37:40.000
He got like 80,000 points in a fucking afternoon.
01:37:46.000
Hunting when you're in the mountains is so hard on your cardio.
01:37:50.000
That's why the best guys like Cam Haynes, he's a fucking ultra endurance athlete.
01:37:54.000
That's why he's one of many reasons why he's the best at it.
01:37:59.000
You get so fucking tired when you're hiking in the mountains, and you have a backpack on, most of those guys do.
01:38:05.000
Yeah, and you're carrying a bow, and you're fucking going up these hills and trying to chase a four-legged animal that's running away from mountain lions.
01:38:16.000
I was already dragging you guys into deep water.
01:38:21.000
Yeah, I mean, it's not like it was the hardest group to drag into deep water.
01:38:28.000
It was kind of like the Skank Selection, where once Burt and Tom realized, like, oh, fuck, we're not gonna even come close.
01:38:34.000
And they were just both wanting to not be last.
01:38:51.000
He was like, oh, pussy, he's got a real problem.
01:39:01.000
It got to a point where I was like, there's got to be a reason why I enjoy all this stuff.
01:40:07.000
Is it like caviar, like it's an acquired taste?
01:40:12.000
Once me and all my bros that get boosters hang out, we're all like...
01:40:18.000
We're never going to get the common cold again.
01:40:24.000
Wouldn't it be great to have a Mussolini-Hitler podcast?
01:40:44.000
It was a fake factory worker and a president being like, we're renegades.
01:40:51.000
You gotta give it up for some of Bruce Springsteen's music.
01:41:32.000
It's scary when you get to a point when you're like, I don't know if I can keep going.
01:41:43.000
It's like getting punched in the face with little jabs every night.
01:41:59.000
You know what's weird when you have a friend that's like a heavy boozer and you see one drink in and they're already fucked?
01:42:32.000
There's an old earthquake quote where they're like interviewing with some podcast in some interview and they're like, do you ever drink on stage?
01:42:38.000
He goes, well, stand-up comedy is one of the few professions that allow imbibing while you're performing.
01:42:47.000
He goes, and I like to, yeah, avail myself of that opportunity.
01:42:52.000
And they're like, does it ever fuck up with stand-up?
01:43:02.000
I was so happy to have him on the podcast because we've talked about him so many times and he's like the best comic that doesn't get what he deserves.
01:43:10.000
In terms of like when he's murdering, he doesn't get the respect he deserves.
01:43:15.000
I think more people get it now that he has that Netflix special that just came out.
01:43:44.000
Yeah, you were talking about if I don't do anything all day, I'll feel terrible.
01:43:54.000
As soon as he said it, I was like, yo, hell yeah, bro.
01:44:03.000
He said Eddie Murphy should have won an Oscar because he played eight characters in The Clumps.
01:44:09.000
Because no matter how, even if he thought his acting was mediocre, he was like, it's still not eight times worse than this.
01:44:17.000
Bro, do you ever see how good Eddie Murphy is still at stand-up?
01:44:58.000
But I'm saying, the level he's at without doing reps is so high that if he decided to do stand-up again, if you watch him give his speech, he gives a speech, he does a Bill Cosby impression, it's fucking magic, dude.
01:45:28.000
Before we go further, Roseanne Barr went on stage after I don't know how many years at our show at the Vulcan like three weeks ago.
01:45:42.000
She didn't know she was going to go up until ten minutes before she went up.
01:45:47.000
Stan Hope and Ron White talked her into doing stand-up.
01:45:50.000
And she goes on stage and the audience goes fucking insane.
01:46:07.000
As good as she is right then and there, she was an all-time great.
01:46:17.000
So when you see her there, if she was doing regular reps, she'd be way better.
01:46:22.000
Eddie Murphy is so good that if you see him in this speech, no reps at all.
01:46:28.000
But doing acting and, of course, hanging around with funny people and talking shit.
01:46:38.000
By the way, this is the worst environment ever for stand-up.
01:47:04.000
I'd like to thank the Kennedy Center, first of all, for celebrating me and honoring me in such a wonderful way and bringing my loved ones and my family here.
01:47:15.000
And thank you to all the comedians that came out and sang.
01:47:19.000
I mean, Sam Moore came out and sang, and Alabama Shakes was here.
01:47:23.000
We had a really, really, really special, special night.
01:47:29.000
It hasn't been lost on me that, you know, usually when people have evenings like this, a person is really, really old when they get these awards.
01:47:39.000
Really, like, one of the greatest, funniest people of all time was George Carlin, and he received this award posthumously.
01:47:51.000
So to be standing here alive and looking like myself still...
01:48:06.000
And there was also some confusion about whether or not it was an award or a prize.
01:48:14.000
Even though they call it a prize, it's an award.
01:48:16.000
Because usually when there's a prize, there's money involved.
01:48:33.000
Then they told me yesterday they raised 2.3 million.
01:48:40.000
Then I came down and they told me that, oh, there is no, it's a prize, but there is no money.
01:48:51.000
So I think to clear up the confusion for future recipients, maybe you don't want to call it the Mark Twain Prize.
01:48:59.000
If you don't want to call it the award, maybe you could call it the Mark Twain Surprise.
01:49:10.000
Now switch to Dave Chappelle's and watch a real comic.
01:49:20.000
But that still doesn't diminish how wonderful this is.
01:49:23.000
It's a wonderful, wonderful thing to be included.
01:49:30.000
I think that was all off the cuff, which is still pretty good.
01:49:47.000
No, because I know there was a big outcry from people.
01:49:49.000
They was trying to get Billy to give his trophies back.
01:49:52.000
You know you up when they want you to give your trophies back.
01:50:01.000
He should do one show where he just come out and just talk crazy now.
01:50:08.000
I would like to talk to some of the people who feel that I should give back my babies!
01:50:24.000
They bleeped out the bad words because you can't handle them.
01:50:29.000
Just because you may have heard recently that I allegedly put the pill in the people's chocolate!
01:50:43.000
I wish someone would come up to my house talking about, give up the trophy because you put the pill in the people's chocolate, you get...
01:51:19.000
And you gonna just come on out and push over an apple cart to Hannibal?
01:51:23.000
If I ever see or meet this Hannibal Barrison person, I am going to try to kill this nigger!
01:51:42.000
PBS. I think they felt like they didn't have the right.
01:51:46.000
I bet they felt like we don't have the right to disclose that.
01:52:07.000
Standing O, he's getting a fucking lifetime achievement award.
01:52:20.000
But I'm saying that he's so talented, that's how good he is without doing it.
01:52:24.000
If he started doing it again, he would be a killer.
01:52:27.000
Everybody, like, for a lot of guys who hadn't done it in a long time, why are you so angry?
01:52:45.000
You've got to go on stage every day for a year.
01:53:12.000
Some kids would be like, I kind of know who you're talking about.
01:53:18.000
Yeah, they'd tweet, but once he's there, if he's only going to do five, ten minutes, he can get away with a drop-in.
01:53:26.000
Or, you know, go up on someone's show where it's introduced like you haven't done stand-up in forever, and you just go up there.
01:53:37.000
He can't get an honest reaction, but he can get as close as he can get.
01:53:39.000
That's the hard part of him dropping in, because the first 5 to 10 are going to be forgiven.
01:53:47.000
When that happens, when someone's like a TV star, in the first 30 seconds, the audience is going nuts.
01:53:55.000
And then it gets this weird place, like 30 seconds in, where you're like, oh no.
01:54:03.000
Because also, they just saw three real, right now comics.
01:54:16.000
And then five minutes in, you're like, we're bored as shit.
01:54:18.000
Yeah, like, oh, yeah, Greg Burns is way better than this.
01:54:31.000
But it's chosen words, it's cadence, it's rhythm, it's so much put into it.
01:54:46.000
Jamie, where the fuck are the Bud Lights, dude?
01:54:49.000
I didn't know you were out, but they're coming.
01:54:52.000
Some of your fucking paid killers to go get some Bud Lights.
01:54:58.000
I'm so high, I'm fascinated with the fact I can change the alien's light colors.
01:55:24.000
Well, do you think they know about us and they're just like, these guys are idiots, or they're waiting?
01:55:33.000
If you type infinite universes, some species is smart enough to get here.
01:55:42.000
But then you would think somebody would have invaded.
01:55:45.000
With infinite possibilities, somebody would have invaded.
01:55:48.000
The thing is, the way they describe it, when they talk about Type 1, Type 2, and Type 3 civilizations...
01:55:56.000
I had this guy Michio Kaku, do you know the physicist?
01:56:03.000
And really, really good at explaining complicated things to people like us.
01:56:20.000
There's a group of girls that like him, too, by the way.
01:56:28.000
I saw that once when you did your Scientology show, or scientific show.
01:56:36.000
Oh, you mean that thing, the 2040, the thing that we all did together in New York?
01:56:42.000
Where they're all the geniuses and then the groupies.
01:56:46.000
Yeah, we would hang out at night with these geniuses.
01:56:48.000
They were like, oh, here's a look, here's a genius in this, here's a genius in that.
01:56:51.000
They go speak, but they're like cowboys in their field.
01:57:05.000
Bud Light is making a ton of money off this ep.
01:57:15.000
Hey, you remember when you had to order a Bud American?
01:57:44.000
We went to the beach at Dewey Beach going, like, can I get one America?
01:58:14.000
I believe that what they know about whatever the fuck these things are is so strange that, like, it doesn't follow known science.
01:58:25.000
He was saying, like, the videos that they can show you, the actual evidence of things moving, and when they track these things, the speeds that they move at, it defies science.
01:58:44.000
Jamie's getting shotguns harder than everybody.
01:59:26.000
When you said my hole sucks, I almost laughed in the middle of chugging.
01:59:58.000
The only problem with it is that little twink they have on the tour, that fucking man's dude.
02:00:07.000
There's a guy, Bert has a group of dudes around, there's just one motherfucker.
02:00:29.000
Hey, let's not call this guy out on the podcast.
02:00:35.000
Yeah, last night he was talking shit, and I said, tomorrow I'm doing Rogan, I'm gonna fucking bury you, pussy.
02:01:45.000
For a guy who likes conspiracy theories and aliens, you don't really give us a shot.
02:01:50.000
There was a moment that I could just jump in and say this story sucks, and I knew it'd be funny to do it.
02:01:58.000
I could have an open mind and really enjoy this story.
02:02:00.000
But that moment, I'm like, I think I can say this story sucks and it'd be hilarious.
02:02:08.000
We're gonna get back to Mussolini in a bit, folks.
02:02:57.000
That's a great name for a fucking tour, by the way.
02:03:13.000
Is Bert taking his shirt off on stage the single biggest move in the history of comedy?
02:03:24.000
When I'm with him, like, because when he gets...
02:03:27.000
First off, I've been going on right before him this whole time.
02:03:30.000
So I'm following fucking Big J and Dave Attell.
02:03:43.000
No, then I go on, and I'm like, that was pretty good.
02:03:46.000
And then, ladies and gentlemen, Burt Kreischer, and it's like, and I'm like, holy shit, I'm nothing.
02:03:54.000
And then, yo, the pop of him taking his fucking shirt off.
02:04:01.000
And honestly, what's funny is when you're there, you're like, nice.
02:04:06.000
As a fucking comedian, you want to sit there and be like, Oh, that's your fucking thing?
02:05:05.000
We're not getting a better show in the world in that show.
02:05:21.000
You want to talk about, okay, I'm doing testosterone.
02:05:27.000
That's a giant disadvantage for performance, and yet he still has enough energy to do all the shit he does.
02:05:36.000
We were in the car with Cameron Haynes, and I was like, hey, Burt ran a marathon.
02:05:43.000
And Cameron Haynes was like, that's a legit thing.
02:05:55.000
This was the point, is the guy has a drive that belies his habits.
02:06:11.000
I'm 10 years, 12, 20, whatever years younger than him.
02:06:16.000
And he would be on the elliptical with a Bud Light.
02:06:40.000
That means he's just putting on a day of entertainment.
02:06:47.000
So is it like, what's the total amount of time that people are performing?
02:06:54.000
Guys, he just tried to high-five you and you just didn't even...
02:07:48.000
I'm with Simpson July 1st at the MGM. That's a funny black.
02:08:02.000
Yo, I did those Atlantic City shows, and Joey, on the first night, you could tell he hadn't been in front of that many people for that long.
02:08:23.000
He did seven minutes of fucking red-faced murder.
02:08:49.000
Yeah, his ass was hanging out right before he goes on stage.
02:08:58.000
Literally, seven comics were just like, all they could do in their life was to get him back on stage.
02:09:05.000
And we also got him back where he realized, like, we've been working.
02:09:55.000
Like those late night, talk till 3 in the morning hangs.
02:10:00.000
As a comic, like those fun hangs after a show where you're just hanging out and just talking shit.
02:10:11.000
You have like a fucking noon flight the next day.
02:10:31.000
This is from The Terminal List, that new Amazon series.
02:10:46.000
Did you see that video of that guy that jumps out of his fucking car with a hatchet and tries to kill the cop?
02:10:53.000
This cop is standing there on the side of the road.
02:10:56.000
This guy pulls his car next to him, stops the car, and the cop is like, what the fuck is going on?
02:11:02.000
And the cop puts his hand on his gun, and the guy jumps out with a hatchet and runs at the cop.
02:11:39.000
Wait, but before this guy saw this, he was just out driving.
02:12:28.000
It's so wild because imagine that split-second decision.
02:12:39.000
That's such a fucking weird moment in time where a guy with a hatchet has all of a sudden stopped his car and is running at you.
02:12:52.000
He gets up casual like he's trying to throw it off.
02:13:04.000
So if they keep it running, you'll see the whole thing.
02:13:20.000
By the way, what a crisp forward he rolled up in, dude.
02:13:26.000
He pulled over, and that cop was like, wait, what?
02:13:29.000
There's another recent video of a guy getting shot, and there's this guy who was fucking with this dude who had a gun.
02:13:41.000
And the guy takes off his shirt, and he comes charging at the guy, and the guy shoots him.
02:13:51.000
And for sure, it's the dumbest thing you could ever do with a guy with a gun.
02:13:55.000
What's in their minds, though, of like, I'm going to show the society?
02:14:12.000
But jujitsu is the best thing for cops to learn.
02:14:26.000
He moved after Jews, but he was like, spelled J-I-U, but we all know what it is.
02:14:51.000
For every time they reach for a hamburger shot, they just gotta show one of these.
02:14:56.000
After that, you've got to let the ticket guy go.
02:14:58.000
You're like, alright, I was going to give you a speeding ticket, but get out of here.
02:15:05.000
Your job is that you occasionally might get attacked by a deal with a hatchet.
02:15:11.000
Imagine being the person getting my taillights out.
02:15:21.000
The way he backed up, good footwork, excellent execution.
02:15:34.000
Maybe the back story, like, that's a guy trying to impress his girlfriend.
02:15:40.000
Maybe Jodie Foster needed to get her pussy wet.
02:15:46.000
And he was like, it's time for me to kill a cop with an axe.
02:15:48.000
The universe wanted me to go to jail for 40 years to create these songs.
02:16:13.000
Would-be Reagan assassin John Higley Jr. apologizes to Jodie Foster for trying to tell the president.
02:16:22.000
Imagine being Jodie Foster and knowing that that guy's out now.
02:16:26.000
Like, you've been, like, sleeping good for 22 years.
02:16:37.000
I just want you to know I'm for real not doing this.
02:16:39.000
Okay, listen, after a few texts, you haven't responded, but I know this is your number.
02:16:44.000
Please look into your heart and give me the last chance to gain your love and respect.
02:16:49.000
Damn, all the women you're going to pick, Jody?
02:16:58.000
If I was about to shoot a fucking president, I'd be like, yo, who's the hottest 14-year-old?
02:17:10.000
For real, can we admit that Hinckley did the right thing?
02:17:19.000
It's not the right thing to do with something illegal and shoot the president.
02:17:22.000
When it comes to gaining a 14-year-old's respect, you didn't need to shoot a president.
02:17:36.000
Oh, he emailed Rolling Stone last year stating, I'm now...
02:17:43.000
He emailed Rolling Stone last year stating, I'm now pursuing a music career, I write country songs mostly, and I've just finished two songs.
02:17:52.000
I'm hoping you'll take an interest in my music career.
02:18:07.000
What if he gets out of jail, and gets his shit together, and then all of a sudden starts killing it?
02:18:12.000
And the songs, you actually hear it on the radio, and you're like, fuck, this is good.
02:18:43.000
But it's the same as when you change channels on a TV. You're like, hey, Shawshank's on.
02:18:48.000
When you're in a hotel and you have to watch the movie.
02:18:51.000
You're like, this is the best movie of all time.
02:18:58.000
What do you guys go to when you're driving in a rest of the car?
02:19:10.000
But when you're playing radio in the car, what do you go to?
02:19:22.000
Everybody's sitting around being like, I could drink that many.
02:19:33.000
If you're this drunk, you're going to cut the whole thing off.
02:19:50.000
He can talk so good with all that booze in his system.
02:20:03.000
1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12. I knew you were going to get nasty.
02:20:15.000
For real, my favorite, one of my buddies hit me up and was like, the first time you did Rogan, I was like, uh...
02:20:25.000
Literally, the next time I was like, shut the fuck up!
02:20:31.000
Imagine being in a place where no one tells you to shut the fuck up.
02:20:39.000
Well, you must see it with other queefs out there who just blow you.
02:20:46.000
I gotta be honest, Seinfeld, I was in with him, and I think I got too queefy, and I think he bailed.
02:21:00.000
I think I just texted him too much, and I was too complimentary.
02:21:05.000
He would hit me with shit, and I was like, I agree, but he wanted me to not agree.
02:21:14.000
It's hard when you meet people that you super, super admire.
02:21:22.000
When I'm mad at him, I really said this to him.
02:21:45.000
And my wife is like, oh, you're watching your boyfriend?
02:22:04.000
Jack Harlow, the rapper, DM'd me on Instagram and was like, you're hilarious.
02:22:16.000
I was like, just so you know, I screenshot this and said this to my girlfriend like, this is a cool thing.
02:22:43.000
Can you pull back a dick pic from time and space?
02:22:50.000
What if they're on their phone 24-7 with notifications on?
02:22:55.000
Ari, you're the last person to worry about your dick being out there.
02:22:58.000
I saw that podcast you did the other day where you took your dick out, you took your shirt off, then you pulled your dick out and you sat down in front of...
02:23:04.000
Did you continue the podcast with your dick out?
02:23:13.000
I think HR wants to have a conversation with you.
02:23:17.000
Dude, you ever see that sculpture of Donald Trump?
02:23:52.000
It's so funny that the people that want you to accept other people's bodies...
02:24:06.000
Because you're not really about being kind and compassionate.
02:24:12.000
You're only about being kind and compassionate with people that agree with you.
02:24:15.000
If people disagree with you or if you think of them as an existential threat, it's not saying that you shouldn't think of Trump as an existential threat, that's not what I'm saying, but I'm saying when you think of that person as a threat, you conveniently abandon all your values,
02:24:40.000
It's the one thing that you can't control over almost anything.
02:25:22.000
I think he's on like a fraction of what Hitler was on.
02:25:51.000
I mean, it was one of the oldest videos, so it's probably not funny now, but if you type in Where Brooklyn At, it's the Biggie Tupac freestyle.
02:26:29.000
You guys are going to be bummed when you find out I was right.
02:26:31.000
No, we're going to go to that afterwards, Knucklehead.
02:26:49.000
Back then, they were probably just freaked out that someone could get their voice amplified.
02:27:11.000
One of these clips said he was like the first non-American talking movie, like, picture.
02:27:28.000
He's the GOAT. Out of all of the horrible human beings that have given evil speeches, he's the GOAT. He's the fucking titty bass.
02:27:45.000
Because he's the first guy like this that has been amplified.
02:27:57.000
This is the first guy like this that's been amplified.
02:28:02.000
If you think about what he talked people into doing, he's trying to get out of there.
02:28:18.000
But, Jamie, there's some other speeches of Hitler, too, right?
02:28:24.000
There's some ones that are like, what crazy dynamic.
02:30:33.000
I want you to imagine for a moment a world where Biggie and Tupac never have a feud.
02:30:41.000
And they just link up and are fun with each other and promote each other.
02:30:48.000
And tell each other about how great each other is.
02:30:55.000
It's fun, because he's like, why are we fighting?
02:30:58.000
But it's just such an East Coast, West Coast thing, and there was no internet.
02:31:10.000
You ever see the video of Biggie on the corner at like 17?
02:31:18.000
Because it's one of the greatest videos of any performer.
02:31:57.000
Nothing better than killing it as a fat person.
02:32:35.000
You ever see those Jews partying videos where they re-dub it?
02:32:48.000
Last time we were on, I shouted out Eggs Tyrone.
02:32:58.000
Barstool just reposted him and didn't credit him.
02:33:40.000
Well, okay, Ari, what song would they be dancing to?
02:34:02.000
He just remixes this crazy shit and it matches!
02:34:27.000
But Ari, I'm curious as to what do you think that song was that the guys were dancing to?
02:34:47.000
I have to piss, so I'm going to leave for a moment.
02:34:49.000
And I take no responsibility for anything from this point until I return.
02:35:04.000
The Jews in the back of the bus was the best one.
02:36:02.000
A lot of people joke around and say, Bud Lights, that's not that much.
02:36:45.000
He was like, Shane, do you want to look at my Corvette?
02:36:50.000
He's like, I can start it from here in the green room.
02:37:07.000
I've never heard anybody do a better Tony Hitchfield impression.
02:37:15.000
First of all, this is how Tony talks to me every day.
02:37:21.000
The food scene in Austin is the best in the world.
02:37:27.000
That was actually the best joke he's not ever had.
02:37:49.000
How could you have any idea what the fuck you're saying when you're 15 beers deep?
02:37:55.000
1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16. You're 16. You gotta start starting this podcast two hours in and then put the first two hours on the back.
02:38:12.000
You gotta start starting these podcasts two hours in and then put the first two hours on the back.
02:38:45.000
Can I just say while I'm drunk and high, I'm so happy we do these.
02:38:56.000
If you allowed us to do whatever we'd want to talk shit, this is what we'd do.
02:39:11.000
But, you know, to be able to do it in this day and age, it's like, how dare you?
02:39:27.000
If you told me he was dead two years ago, I'd be like, wait, I missed it?
02:39:55.000
We would gamble a little bit with Ari, and I would give him a certain amount of balls.
02:39:59.000
I had to make the nine ball, but he could make the seven, eight, or the nine.
02:40:08.000
I'll never forget the first time I did this podcast and you and me played pool after.
02:40:16.000
He doesn't go like, hey, you want to have a pool?
02:40:19.000
He's like, no, no, I'm going to try to work with you.
02:40:22.000
Bro, I was literally, there was a moment I was like, which one should I aim for?
02:40:36.000
And then he left and I was just like, what the fuck did I do on that last one?
02:40:57.000
You gotta understand this, but let me put it in perspective.
02:41:01.000
Jamie got COVID in October of 2020. Jamie got COVID once in October of 2020. And Jamie, for whatever reason, retains these wild antibodies, and he keeps getting a new line like he fought it off, but he never gets sick.
02:41:31.000
Fecal matter has been implanted into other folks and it improves your gut biome, so there's that.
02:41:51.000
And my dad is so scary and old school that he's like, you're not peeing for hours.
02:42:22.000
Fecal transplantation is the transfer of stool from a healthy donor into the gastrointestinal tract for the purpose of treating recurrent C. diviculi colitis.
02:42:57.000
For real, we were walking and he was like, when we were walking to the barbecue place, he was like, I'll drink as many as you tomorrow.
02:43:14.000
He's going to go to an old folks home and die with Cuomo.
02:43:36.000
It's like if I pulled him aside and told him that he could do this, I would be a real piece of shit.
02:43:57.000
I mean, I'm impressed that he's done this much.
02:44:02.000
Well, for him, he's 78. You know, this is good.
02:44:09.000
1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16. Is it like a...
02:44:25.000
Ari, please don't tell me you took a bottle of your piss and stuffed it into the cabinet.
02:44:39.000
Okay, from now on, do me a favor and just go to the bathroom.
02:44:55.000
I love that this podcast started out with like, woke culture's got a swing, right?
02:45:06.000
There's a jug of a half-sized bottle of Buffalo Trace filled with piss.
02:45:53.000
Yeah, they're going to get you another liver, Ari.
02:46:02.000
Yeah, your lever is like Hiroshima right now, son.
02:46:33.000
Don't you see all the train killers running around this place?
02:46:36.000
What's that guy's name who got busted on E.T. television?
02:46:44.000
Why are you pissing in my hallway is a better question.
02:46:51.000
Why are you recording in the hallway when I can piss there?
02:46:55.000
Because you never know who's coming to the fucking hallway, Ari.
02:47:00.000
You don't think someone's going to be pissing out there.
02:47:13.000
It's the hallway in my place of work, not the place where you piss.
02:48:20.000
Imagine thinking that he could keep up with you.
02:48:26.000
But here's what's really crazy, Shane, is your ability to just power through with perfect elocution.
02:48:35.000
We gotta get Ari to a bathroom before he pukes.
02:48:37.000
You gotta imagine he didn't smoke weed, though!
02:48:42.000
Don't grab the mic like that, no one can understand what you're saying.
02:49:22.000
The one thing I wanna teach you is, you're drinking, you gotta coast.
02:49:43.000
The last one we did, they were like, I don't know if you guys know this, you guys did R. Kelly last time.
02:49:53.000
When we get together, we talk about the same shit.
02:50:28.000
It's better to talk about whatever the fuck you want to talk about when you're talking about it.
02:50:32.000
Whether that's something you already brought up or not.
02:50:35.000
This is one of the greatest music videos of all time.
02:50:39.000
We made this a regular part of this motherfucking podcast than soapy.
02:50:47.000
Every time we get fucked up, we're like, yo, play RK. Yo, play it.
02:51:28.000
I know you've heard it before, Mark Norma, but you gotta...
02:51:36.000
It's nice that every single time we get hammered, we go back to fucking...
02:51:44.000
Imagine what it was like before people were filming.
02:51:48.000
Imagine how decadent people were back in, like, the old Shakespearean play days.
02:51:58.000
He was hitting women and all this stuff, and he never got in trouble.
02:53:07.000
It's like parody without knowing that you're making a parody.
02:53:32.000
1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16 beers in.
02:53:45.000
Please stop, because you're going to have to throw up.
02:53:51.000
This guy doesn't even lose his ability to form sentences.
02:54:00.000
Does he have a problem or do we have a problem?
02:54:03.000
Like if a guy's running marathons and we like run around the block and we get tired.
02:54:10.000
The guy who doesn't run marathons has a problem.
02:54:15.000
But if he doesn't drink a Bud Light every four hours, I think he might crumble.
02:54:22.000
You can't say that these rules apply to normal people.
02:54:29.000
Like, that guy, we did Irvine, the improv together.
02:54:39.000
If that's what it takes, Stephen King made his best shit when he was smoking cigarettes and doing coke.
02:54:48.000
At the cellar, when everyone's just like equal, next person, next person, he's...
02:55:11.000
I think there's an article that was talking to Samuel Jackson backstage saying that he couldn't believe he did it right after he did it.
02:55:18.000
Yeah, it's like he just, he lost his shit, man.
02:55:22.000
He's fucking some chick and he's like, I gotta do it.
02:55:27.000
We've all been yelled at online and had that, and that It hurts.
02:55:31.000
I think there's a danger to being that popular.
02:55:35.000
There's a real danger to having that much charm and all these people love you and you feel like you can almost get away with anything.
02:55:43.000
And then you add that to whatever complications that relationship brings and you get this weird combination Also, Chris Rock had a history of very mild but hilarious jokes about Jada.
02:56:04.000
No, no, no, I'm definitely not saying it's a reason.
02:56:11.000
But there was obviously some sort of a conversation because...
02:56:15.000
Will Smith laughed and Jada Pinkett did not and she looked at him and then he went on stage.
02:56:28.000
That was Ari Shafir, and he is under the influence of drugs.
02:56:32.000
And just like he's not willing to consent to sex, he's not willing to consent to these words.
02:56:40.000
I gotta go slap this dumb guy who's way weaker than me, because my dumb fucking bitch is unhappy.
02:57:01.000
A lot of guys sit around and go, man, Bud Light, what's that, water?
02:57:18.000
But Will Smith, we've all had a drunk night where you go, oh, what did I say?
02:57:24.000
I think he just blew a fuse and didn't, you know, sometimes you just...
02:57:28.000
Imagine being a guy who's going there to win the fucking Academy Award and you think you're untouchable.
02:57:35.000
We've all had a drunken night where you're like, I texted that?
02:57:43.000
But I think that if he just admits that and talks about it in a really open and honest way, people will embrace that and forgive him and they'll be- Just say it.
02:58:00.000
It's a weird place to be, to be a guy like Will Smith and to have the gall to go on stage and smack one of the greatest comics ever and then just sit down and then say, leave my wife's name out of your fucking mouth.
02:58:15.000
And his interface where he connected with the way the world looks at him was way off.
02:58:27.000
And now the Elijah whatever guy, the Chappelle tackle guy.
02:58:52.000
Have you ever had a roommate and be like, fuck you!
02:59:05.000
But the problem is when they're awesome, you ain't getting shit done.
02:59:09.000
If you live in a house full of dudes and you're all having a good time, you're not getting a goddamn thing done.
02:59:25.000
If you've got a thing you're trying to do, they're great.
02:59:29.000
But if you have a thing you're trying to do, like comedy or something like that, and you live in a house where it's really fun.
02:59:54.000
Are you a fan of creatine, or do you just like to eat kosher?
02:59:58.000
Dude, you're unfocusing yourself for massive gains.
03:00:05.000
This is the only time Ari has ever been drunk publicly, by the way.
03:00:10.000
I don't think he's ever been this hammered publicly.
03:00:31.000
His standard is 9, so anything above or below 9 is like, what's the difference?
03:00:36.000
16 is less than 0 below 9. Right now, Michael Lehrer is making fun of the way you talk.
03:00:55.000
Tell me one more, someone in a wheelchair, who's funnier than him.
03:01:13.000
He said there's people who can't move their body, but they still get aroused.
03:01:16.000
And then there's people who don't feel anything.
03:01:18.000
And he couldn't move his body, but he still got aroused.
03:01:27.000
Hey, I want to ask you something about that little BMW you have.
03:01:38.000
Shout out to the two dudes you didn't drink today.
03:01:43.000
I've been wanting to talk to Norman about this ever since I saw his Instagram pictures.
03:02:11.000
But what it does is, it represents this weird connection between a person and a machine.
03:02:30.000
I love to drive shtick on this car, by the way.
03:03:23.000
Listen, Mark Norman is in like a time machine when he's driving that car around.
03:03:42.000
I know you make some money, so I want to show you something.
03:04:10.000
Do you want to be in a car where every time you hit the gas, you're alive?
03:04:16.000
You just know you're riding a fucking American-made dragon.
03:04:21.000
You're riding an American-made dragon around the city.
03:04:34.000
I would recommend a driver and not drive drunk with a Tesla.
03:04:39.000
But I would say that if you're going to drive a car sober, this is what you need in your life, Shane Killis.
03:04:52.000
That's a preposterously fast vehicle, and it's fun.
03:05:00.000
Click on that silver with the black stripes and the right-hand corner.
03:05:07.000
Imagine pulling up to that every day, Shane Gillis, instead of that bullshit economical vehicle that you have while you're pretending you're not killing it on the road.
03:05:21.000
What are you guys throwing money at each other?
03:05:41.000
Have you ever been around a guy on heroin before?
03:06:37.000
Isn't it crazy to think about, back in the old days, people just died.
03:06:44.000
Well, think about how many people are alive today.
03:06:47.000
Think about how long it took us to get so safe.
03:06:55.000
And don't retaliate either, because your hand-eye coordination is going to be blocked by my headphones.
03:07:01.000
By the way, for real, cancer, COVID, and heroin.
03:07:11.000
Ari's watching that Hitler video play out in his head.
03:07:16.000
Yes, you've got to stand up for your people, man.
03:07:25.000
I feel like we watched one of Kinnison's early videos.
03:07:29.000
You gotta see the one where he's on HBO. I've never seen Mal.
03:07:49.000
If you look at the way he's moving his hands and clenching his fists...
03:08:17.000
The death numbers under Mal are like 50 million.
03:08:32.000
World War II. He was post-World War II. If Ari dies, can I have his shoes?
03:08:52.000
If you're gonna throw up, please leave the room.
03:09:06.000
You can't die of alcohol poisoning for Bud Light.
03:09:32.000
Back it up again and give me some volume so I can hear Mao at his finest.
03:10:12.000
Ari, I would say that I'm disappointed in you, but I'm not.
03:10:19.000
You're like one of those guys that fought Tyson in the 80s, Ari.
03:10:37.000
Well, no, the Bud Lights were Tyson, really, right?
03:10:51.000
But losing to you in a drinking challenge, I think for whatever weird delusion, he thought through sheer will he could power down enough Bud Lights to keep up with you.
03:11:07.000
This is the most shocking thing about all of it.
03:11:08.000
It puts it in perspective as he cracks open a new one.
03:11:14.000
Shane, what do you think we should do about Ukraine?
03:11:18.000
I think we should keep sending them billions and billions of dollars.
03:11:40.000
Make sure you keep it in the bucket, okay, Paul?
03:11:55.000
This brings me back to the old Fear Factor days, kids.
03:12:02.000
I've seen more people puke than 99% of the population.
03:12:18.000
Well, it is 440, and we have been at this for a while.
03:12:38.000
Attel still wears that motherfucker around his chin.
03:12:43.000
Everybody else is maskless and he's got a chin strap on.
03:12:53.000
He did it the other night on stage, and I was like, I think he's doing it as like a joke.
03:13:14.000
There's these two Hispanic women in the front row.
03:13:17.000
And everybody's warning everybody else, like, watch out.
03:13:24.000
He runs on stage and he goes, oh, what happened, ladies?
03:13:38.000
He's like one of those hidden treasures, right?
03:13:42.000
Because I think we sing his praises as much as possible, but I don't think the general public is truly aware of how goddamn good he is.
03:13:57.000
Especially at the cellar where he'll just roast you if you're just walking around.
03:14:04.000
He saw me one night going to the bathroom, walking out, and he was like, Shane must have had a good set.
03:14:17.000
Ari is trying to contribute while his face is in his own puke.
03:14:29.000
It's basically 5 p.m., and I think you guys need to try to attempt something with this gentleman before the Kill Tony tonight, which is only in a few hours.
03:14:39.000
I don't know what we're going to be able to do to help him.
03:14:59.000
Are you worried they're going to hold you as a prisoner?
03:15:21.000
Oh, he's still throwing up in the goddamn cooler.
03:15:43.000
He's got a bottle of piss and a bucket of puke.
03:16:21.000
I heard it went better than the amount of puke that just came out of his fucking mouth.
03:16:29.000
Did I not warn him that he was going to throw up?
03:16:30.000
I told him he was going to throw up, though, right?
03:16:32.000
I'm like, if you're going to throw up, let me know.
03:16:35.000
Jamie, thank God you're on the ball, because imagine if that bucket was not there.
03:16:48.000
July 1st, I'll be at the MGM Grand Garden Casino with Hans Kim, Brian Simpson, and Tony Hinchcliffe.
03:17:06.000
A lot of guys were talking like, oh, that's just Bud Light.
03:17:19.000
The amazing thing is how you've maintained your composure.
03:17:26.000
Yeah, you're more yourself with a couple of BLs.
03:17:32.000
Ladies and gentlemen, Protect Our Parks 4 is in the books.
03:17:41.000
Seriously, one of the most fun things I ever do.
03:17:52.000
Hey, how'd that park go that you protected, you dumbass?