Joe Rogan Experience #1866 - Protect Our Parks 5
Episode Stats
Length
3 hours and 55 minutes
Words per Minute
196.50095
Hate Speech Sentences
183
Summary
A guy wakes up with jizz in his ass, and it's not his own. Also, a guy with a strange birth defect ejaculates out of his ass and thinks it's other people's jizz. And a guy who wakes up after a night of drinking and doesn't remember what happened to him. And we talk about a strange case of rectal ejaculation in which a 33-year-old male with a history of illicit drug use with drugs was treated with PBR and Zivactam to treat the problem. Further investigation revealed the man was in a comatose state due to cocaine and other drugs, and that he had to go to the doctor to have the problem fixed. And that's not even the end of it. We also talk about the gay guy who farts after sex and thinks his jizz is other guys' jizz, and how he wakes up from a night out with other guys. And how he doesn't even realize it's his own jizz up there. And why he's not alone. Joe and Sarah talk about this and much more on this episode of the Joe Rogan Experience! the podcast by day, and The Joe Rogans Podcast by night, all day, all by night. If you like what you hear, you'll love this episode. . And if you don't like it, you should listen to it by night and drink it in the middle of the night, because it's better than the morning after you have a glass of ice on the border of the border, because you won't be able to see the stars in the morning and the next day. And you'll be fine, because they're not drinking any more ice, you're not going to have to be sober any more than you'll just have to drink any other kind of drink in the afternoon, right? Just like the rest of the day, right in front of you'll have to get up at 7:00am, and you'll know it's going to be fine by 7:30pm, right after you've had a good night, right at 7pm, and then they'll have a good day, no matter what you're going to sleep well enough to sleep better that night after the night before. ...and that's right after sex, right right after they've had enough of that night, they'll be ready for the day and they'll get some rest and they won't need it.
Transcript
00:00:06.000
Train by day, Joe Rogan Podcast by night, all day.
00:00:17.000
There's one of them you get like one period a year.
00:00:24.000
So when you're on an IUD, you don't get periods?
00:00:32.000
Maybe I have an IUD. I read about a guy who has like some weird fucking birth defect where he comes out of his ass.
00:00:45.000
Some guy has some weird issue where he was ejaculating out of his anus.
00:00:59.000
Because then it would feel like you have jizz in your butt and it's not even yours.
00:01:07.000
Rectal prostate fistulas are uncommon anatomical connections between the prostatic urethra and rectum that are typically...
00:01:26.000
Iatrogenic, but can also result from other underlying pathology.
00:01:31.000
Here we present a unique case of a rectal prostate fistula causing the rectal passage of sperm.
00:01:38.000
A 33-year-old male with a history of illicit drug use With drugs.
00:02:16.000
Further investigation divulged a three-week comatose state due to cocaine.
00:02:26.000
Fensildine intoxication two years prior with documentation suggesting a traumatic Foley catheter placement and strong suspicion for premature balloon dilation of the prosthetic urethra.
00:02:39.000
Maybe someone shoved a balloon up his ass when he was high.
00:02:49.000
Imagine going so hard you wake up jizzing out of your ass.
00:02:53.000
People are like, oh, I lost my car keys, and I got kicked out of my house because I didn't pay rent.
00:03:06.000
The gay guy who fucked him has got to feel good.
00:03:15.000
Probably thought it was other guy's jizz, just like, stored away back there.
00:03:21.000
I wonder how many times he did it before he was like, I gotta go to the doctor.
00:03:26.000
Yeah, a man would go like, I had to work itself out.
00:03:36.000
I think, yeah, there's probably some damage going on.
00:04:05.000
How do the gay guys decide who does the top-bottom?
00:04:16.000
Yeah, it feels weird that there's an assigned, you know, one way.
00:04:31.000
Didn't they used to have the handkerchief signs?
00:04:34.000
No, that was just what people would tell you if you had a handkerchief hanging out.
00:04:37.000
They'd be like, you know, that means you're gay.
00:04:39.000
If you got an earring, they'd be like, that means you're a bottom.
00:04:42.000
Different handkerchief colors meant different things.
00:04:44.000
Right, there was always a thing where you had, like, if your pants were rolled up on one side.
00:04:56.000
That's like some weird stuff with guys who are in the closet.
00:05:05.000
I mean, that's exactly what happened to a senator.
00:05:38.000
What got me into whiskey was late night shows at the cellar with you and Sam and Mackie drinking Bullet Rye on the Rocks.
00:05:47.000
Gentlemen, to, what is this, episode four or five?
00:06:40.000
I love the comedians involved, so I'll support it.
00:06:51.000
But I don't sip it and savor it like an old scotch.
00:07:00.000
It's good right before a show where you just down one and go, let's fucking go!
00:07:13.000
Ari, how long did it take you to recover from the last one?
00:07:21.000
He slept on the floor for at least an hour, and I stayed until he left.
00:07:45.000
Probably had five or six at Kill Tony at least.
00:07:50.000
I had to watch part of that on YouTube to be like, oh yeah.
00:07:57.000
It sets comics up, like the young people coming up, it sets them up like on the right path.
00:08:03.000
Would've been nice if we had that when we were starting.
00:08:08.000
And you see these people that go on to have careers, like out of Kill Tony, and they legitimately have careers.
00:08:15.000
Who's the biggest Kill Tony picked out of the hat?
00:08:30.000
Ally Mikofsky's doing really well on the road now.
00:08:47.000
Him and Tony together, I was the guest last week.
00:08:50.000
I was fucking in tears, like crying in tears at those two going after each other.
00:08:55.000
Lucas and him, those two together are like the best one-two combination in comedy.
00:09:00.000
He opened for me at the creek when I was here, and he just vapes on stage.
00:09:22.000
Well, you have a fucking one beer and a whiskey and a Nate Diaz shirt.
00:09:34.000
On the way over, I was like, I'm going to take it easy.
00:09:35.000
As soon as we walked in this room, I was like, fuck.
00:09:43.000
We literally have a tomahawk on the fucking table.
00:09:48.000
That's a Jack Carr Tomahawk from The Terminalist, that television show that Chris Pratt uses to fucking split a guy's head open.
00:10:08.000
And I was there with my family, and he just strolls up like a fucking normal person.
00:10:19.000
He was already Guardians of the Galaxy Chris Pratt, so he's already coming up.
00:10:22.000
Yo, we were talking about crying during movies.
00:10:24.000
I cried during Guardians of the Galaxy on an airplane.
00:10:35.000
Started playing fucking Fleetwood Mac and it was showing how much he loved his friends.
00:10:39.000
And I was on an airplane by myself just like...
00:10:43.000
You know what they say, elevation, it makes you more emotional.
00:10:50.000
Like when we would take edibles, Ari, we would get balitzkrieg.
00:10:55.000
Like we would have been a neighboring dimension.
00:10:59.000
Dude, I was so high once that I thought I have low blood pressure.
00:11:01.000
I thought taking off would kick the blood into my feet.
00:11:04.000
And since I would keep kicking off, I would just die.
00:11:07.000
I'm like, I think I want to get off this plane.
00:11:17.000
And he goes, I almost didn't make it when we landed.
00:11:27.000
It's the perfect place to do an edible because you're trapped.
00:11:31.000
But that's the reason why you do it on a plane.
00:11:35.000
And also, if you get the spins, you just stay in your chair and just like, fine.
00:11:47.000
I wonder if anybody on Flight 93 was on an edible.
00:11:53.000
One guy, just going into the building like, whoa, this is pretty cool.
00:12:01.000
Yeah, almost no doubt they shot it out of the sky.
00:12:20.000
Yeah, they crashed into the ground to save the White House?
00:12:26.000
One plane suddenly wasn't talking, and it was headed off its course towards the White House.
00:12:37.000
Now, in a plane crash, the wreckage does not spread for miles.
00:12:40.000
But when you blow something up in the air, I would imagine that it would spread out for miles.
00:12:44.000
But, you know, when you hit the ground, how is the wreckage spread for miles?
00:13:00.000
Bush was out doing coke, and Cheney's like, I got it, dude.
00:13:03.000
Let's say there's 200 people on a plane, and those 200 people are 100% hijacked.
00:13:09.000
There's terrorists on the plane, and they're going to crash into the White House.
00:13:12.000
Now, instead of 200 people dead, you have 2,000 people dead.
00:13:15.000
You don't think they're going to blow that thing out of the sky?
00:13:23.000
I talked to military guys about it, and they were like, yeah.
00:13:57.000
Well, it says it's Thursday at 4. So, yeah, it's right in Hawaii.
00:14:02.000
So it'll be right at Thursday on 4. Thursday at 4 somewhere.
00:14:09.000
Yeah, well, they probably do calculations on it too, right?
00:14:17.000
If you had calculators on your watch, they wouldn't let you into college with them.
00:14:32.000
If I get the student loan debt, I'll be making money.
00:14:34.000
There was a time where that was the shit, to have a calculator on your watch.
00:14:47.000
Like decades later, they're like, hey, get those going.
00:14:57.000
Otherwise, we're just trashing the let's roll, dude.
00:15:04.000
The odds of them telling us the truth in every situation are slim to none.
00:15:15.000
They did have the credit card swipe phones on the backs of seats.
00:15:19.000
So he called home and said, I'm going to go do something?
00:15:23.000
I listened to the black box of it, or read the black box.
00:15:31.000
I think I might have talked about this last time.
00:15:42.000
You're scared of weed, but you drink like a fish.
00:16:02.000
All the things you're anxious about, fix those.
00:16:05.000
All those things you're anxious about, fix those.
00:16:13.000
He goes, weed, you know, marijuana means no worries.
00:16:19.000
It's just like, I don't know when it turns on people.
00:16:21.000
It does turn on you, but it also turns on you if you've got something to turn on.
00:16:27.000
It's like, those are the things you have to think about.
00:16:30.000
I'm not going to get high on here and be like, fuck, I've got to start working out.
00:17:09.000
An American guy won, and they were all pissed about it.
00:17:28.000
You watch those sumo wrestlers eat, it's crazy.
00:17:44.000
Yeah, that's gotta be fun, though, because over here, you're trying to cut weight.
00:17:48.000
Over there, you're probably trying to just keep gaining it.
00:17:55.000
Hang on to someone's underwear and throw them around by it.
00:18:02.000
I wonder if they've ever had matches between really elite, high-level wrestlers that are big, giant guys and sumo guys.
00:18:17.000
Yeah, but I would imagine that a really good, agile, 300-pound wrestler might be able to...
00:18:23.000
They do have those matches, because there are some...
00:18:31.000
They're not big fat guys and they go up against the Yokozunos.
00:18:49.000
Who's like the fucking Jon Jones of sumo wrestling?
00:18:57.000
Mighty Mouse just won the one championship and won the rematch and got his title back.
00:19:05.000
He also put it on the line more than Jon Jones.
00:19:10.000
I would say Jon Jones put it on the line with everybody that was against him in his division.
00:19:24.000
But Mighty Mouse was less recognized because he was small.
00:20:37.000
You'll never open up a mayonnaise jar without harm.
00:20:51.000
They're not as big as I remember them as a kid.
00:21:06.000
I bet they're slippery too, those Asian hairless...
00:21:16.000
Like, you're probably not allowed to grease your body.
00:21:23.000
Johnny, we've got to adopt this, although you can just see this as an eagle's game.
00:21:27.000
Ari, that guy is like the number two in the world.
00:21:32.000
Well, he's definitely beating them with strategy.
00:21:36.000
Because there's got to be some diabetes and stuff going.
00:22:55.000
That's a special skill to hit people with your elbows.
00:23:01.000
Have you ever seen Nate Marquardt versus Tyron Woodley in Strike Force?
00:23:06.000
It's one of the greatest elbow combinations ever, like a goddamn video game.
00:23:10.000
This is when Nate Marquardt was one of the top fighters on Earth, but people didn't really get to know him.
00:23:15.000
He didn't get famous in America like he probably should have.
00:23:32.000
This is before the UFC. This was Nate Marquardt when he was at the top of the world.
00:23:37.000
You know, he was one of George St. Pierre's sparring partners.
00:23:43.000
Bro, I'm telling you, at this point in his career, Nate Marquardt was a fucking beast.
00:23:57.000
Well, you know, all fighters, they run their course, man.
00:24:01.000
He did well in the UFC. Didn't he have a title fight with Anderson?
00:24:09.000
Damian Maia with one punch in the UFC. Like, he beat a lot of good guys in the UFC. And Chael Sonnen beat him when Chael was at his best and Nate was arguably close to his best.
00:24:21.000
That's why whenever someone says that Chael Sonnen wasn't a good fighter, I'm like, you're out of your fucking mind.
00:24:29.000
It doesn't mean that Chael Sonnen was an elite.
00:24:33.000
You know, you watch Chael Sonnen fight, but watch the fight with Nate Marquardt, because that was Nate Marquardt when he was a fucking assassin.
00:24:40.000
And Chael Sonnen just wrestle-fucked him to death.
00:24:45.000
And you get to see how good Chael was when he was at his best.
00:24:49.000
I've never lost one round of any fight in my life.
00:24:52.000
I've never lost one minute of any fight in my life.
00:25:03.000
Yeah, when I come into the octagon, it's thunderous.
00:25:07.000
When Anderson Silva comes in, you can hear a mouse pissing on cotton.
00:25:13.000
That guy came that close to being the middleweight champion of the world.
00:25:16.000
If he just defended that triangle, which he probably would 8 out of 10 times, if 8 out of 10 times, he just last round, exhausted, got stuck, oh shit, I'm in a fucking triangle and it's locked up.
00:25:41.000
So not to make one mental mistake against a guy.
00:25:58.000
Now he's got the arm, too, and he had a tap because he was doing his arm sideways.
00:26:04.000
He's just making sure that he realizes he tapped.
00:26:15.000
I think he might have been saying he didn't tap.
00:26:21.000
This is super common, and then they try to take down the referee.
00:26:32.000
Because if you're watching this, he's fully locked in with a triangle, and Anderson's squeezing and pulling down on the head.
00:26:46.000
I mean, he's moving around and flailing, but when he's tapping here, he's tapping, he went out.
00:26:56.000
He might only went out for a half a second, but I think he went out.
00:26:59.000
His eyes roll back, like when he's tapping, and Anderson keeps his squeeze on him.
00:27:14.000
It's like him waking up from that, like you wake up from that, you don't know what the fuck just happened.
00:27:42.000
No, Tony tapped him with a triangle, but Kevin Lee did it with Charles Oliveira.
00:27:46.000
Charles Oliveira caught him in a guillotine or something.
00:27:50.000
I forget what he caught him with, but he caught him really tight.
00:27:53.000
And Kevin Lee tapped, and then he woke up and tried to keep going.
00:28:02.000
I was like, did I fall asleep while you were talking?
00:28:05.000
And then I was like, wait, no, we were doing drills.
00:28:09.000
I got knocked out in college and then I pissed myself.
00:28:16.000
That's what happened to Tyson against Buster Douglas.
00:28:25.000
The choke-out doesn't give you the same damage.
00:28:28.000
With the knock-out, they'll ask questions for hours later.
00:28:31.000
Sometimes guys get knocked out real bad, and then you'll talk to them five minutes later, they're like, what happened?
00:28:37.000
And then five minutes later, they'll be like, what happened?
00:28:46.000
It happens depending upon how hard you got hit, where you got hit.
00:28:52.000
Are you good at taking a shot or is your body more vulnerable?
00:28:56.000
There's guys like Mark Hunt, you can kick him in the head and it just bounces off his head.
00:29:01.000
He was known for being able to take a shot better than anyone alive.
00:29:15.000
That's like the most prestigious title in all of kickboxing.
00:29:27.000
Oh yeah, he lived in Australia, but he's from New Zealand.
00:29:42.000
And that dude, Kaikawa Frantz, is a bad motherfucker, too.
00:30:09.000
I can imagine if an expert looked at Shane's liver, they'd call up other experts.
00:30:17.000
It's the most powerful liver we've ever encountered, ever.
00:30:37.000
But he has an unusually large heart, which aids in his cardio.
00:30:45.000
Or is it from all the hard work of doing hard cardio his whole life?
00:30:54.000
Some other things that might make your heart grow a little larger.
00:30:59.000
The audacity to put out that Nike commercial where he's like, what am I on?
00:31:13.000
He sued and won for libel for the newspaper article going.
00:31:25.000
It's one of those weird ones where if he was the only one that was on the drugs.
00:31:37.000
We want extreme athletic performance, but we don't want to know that they're doing it with pharmaceutical help.
00:31:45.000
They say that the Tour de France is healthier for you if you're on those drugs.
00:31:57.000
Fighting makes sense, because then you're putting the other guy at risk.
00:32:00.000
You're cheating, you're getting fucking roided out.
00:32:02.000
But you're kind of putting the other guy at risk with this, because if they do have complications from that stuff, and if it's mandatory to compete.
00:32:08.000
So if you have a league and you don't check illegal drug use, this is the problem.
00:32:14.000
And in fact, Mark Hunt is suing the UFC. I remember that.
00:32:17.000
Because Brock Lesnar tested positive after his fight.
00:32:24.000
I don't know if there's any merit to that case.
00:32:26.000
I mean, he would have to prove that they knew it.
00:32:29.000
That they knew that Brock Lesnar was doing steroids.
00:32:45.000
I'm not afraid that Brock Lesnar would fuck me.
00:32:48.000
I'm afraid he would use me as a condom to fuck something way bigger.
00:33:05.000
That should be a tattoo you walk up to someone and like, that's fucking, you look like a dumbass.
00:33:10.000
Yeah, that was one of the worst tattoos of all time.
00:33:19.000
He should go to some dude who's like really good and get like a fucking Conan sword put in there.
00:33:28.000
Because think about all those, like, super elite tattoo artists out there.
00:34:00.000
That's like some 3D bullshit, but that's really what he looks like.
00:34:15.000
That guy took the craziest chance that anybody ever took.
00:34:19.000
He was a WWE superstar making millions of dollars, throwing people around, being the fucking man, and he decided, I want to fight in the UFC. Do you know the balls that takes?
00:34:36.000
Who was his second fight in MMA? The guy he tapped on.
00:34:40.000
Was that his second fight in MMA? Was that his first fight in the UFC, or did he have one other fight?
00:34:45.000
That was his first fight in the UFC, if I remember.
00:34:48.000
Okay, so that's his first fight in the UFC was with Frank Mir.
00:34:51.000
So I was there for Min Nu So, or Min Soo Kim, rather, which was in Dynamite.
00:35:00.000
That's the night where Hoist Gracie fought, too.
00:35:07.000
Frank Mir is the fucking former UFC heavyweight champion.
00:35:14.000
First fight in the UFC. Didn't he tap to something he didn't have to?
00:35:19.000
I thought it was just like he had never seen it before.
00:35:21.000
So then he dominates Heath Herring, who is one of the toughest guys to ever fight in MMA period.
00:35:29.000
And you got to see like what a freak athlete Brock Lesnar is.
00:35:32.000
Then he beats Randy fucking Couture in his fourth professional fight.
00:35:37.000
And then he beats the fuck out of Frank Mir in the rematch.
00:35:51.000
If you watch that one, he just beats his face to a bloody pulp.
00:36:08.000
I love a UFC. Sucks to get knocked out in Echo shorts.
00:36:13.000
So he's going for the knee bar again, but this time Brock knows the defense.
00:36:20.000
And by the way, when he was young, one of the most fucking gifted fighters I've ever seen in my life.
00:36:25.000
He has more submissions where he has arm breaks than anybody I've ever even heard of.
00:36:30.000
Two fights in the UFC against world champions, and he broke their arms.
00:36:52.000
I famously said the only reason anybody gets laid is because Ruke Rockhold didn't show up first.
00:37:02.000
How about when he rubbed the blood all over his face?
00:37:05.000
Dude, for him to come back like that and fight Paolo Costa, if Paolo Costa fit in his shape, he's hot too.
00:37:13.000
Both those guys, that was like best body, best looks.
00:37:19.000
How many girls finger blasted themselves to that?
00:37:26.000
If I was a girl and I was alone and I was at home and these two fucking animals would beat each other, fuck yeah.
00:38:11.000
It's honestly been shown to be that for performers, that performers can jerk off before a show.
00:38:25.000
You know, one of the things that I always do is I pace around.
00:38:28.000
Like, I feel like if you just sit down and then get up and go on stage, you're not ready to, like, totally perform.
00:38:36.000
I keep saying I'm gonna stop doing it, and I take a nap before the fucking show.
00:38:41.000
And then you wake up and you get there, and you're like, fuck this.
00:38:48.000
Spaghetti and meatballs before a fucking show, you're done.
00:38:57.000
Bro, when I used to eat pasta all the time, I'm a gorger.
00:39:01.000
I would eat a giant plate of lasagna, and you'd just feel like I'd hit with a tranquilizer dart.
00:39:09.000
And when you're a broke comic, you get that free meal at the club.
00:39:20.000
I used to book shows at Dangerfields just so I could get a free cheeseburger.
00:39:31.000
I got there at the end, and that was one of the only clubs that would book me at first when I moved to New York.
00:39:35.000
I would go there, and it would just be me and...
00:39:46.000
And then you get in there, and there's four people in the room.
00:40:14.000
They just keep pumping kids in there, and they don't tell anybody to leave.
00:40:17.000
So they tell you, they want you to do your same set over and over again so the kids get bored and they leave.
00:40:24.000
I watch a kid go on stage and take the mic from a comic and blow cigar smoke.
00:40:34.000
The guy's out there with a cigar and takes the fucking microphone from the comic.
00:40:39.000
The key is to just call one kid a virgin and it would murder.
00:40:55.000
They had those teen tour ones at the improv where it was like summertime.
00:40:58.000
They'd be on a teen tour and they'd be like, hey, just so you know, it's a teen tour.
00:41:09.000
I go, if you want these kids to go to a nightclub, I'm not going to change my act.
00:41:20.000
But if you want a weird sex move, they'd be like, I don't understand this.
00:41:32.000
The comedy store did it, but the improv did it.
00:41:42.000
It would have been fun to get fucked up and go to a comedy show.
00:41:44.000
Imagine being in high school and seeing a comedy show.
00:41:47.000
What was the best thing that ever happened in high school?
00:42:24.000
Yeah, we used to do group jerk-offs and blows and fingers.
00:42:47.000
Yeah, when did people start jerking each other off?
00:43:04.000
So every year, me and my friends would go out to Notre Dame.
00:43:06.000
My dad would take us to the Notre Dame spring game.
00:43:09.000
But my dad, he drinks a little bit, so he would occasionally get drunk and invite a guy from the Knights of Columbus to be like, you want to come to Notre Dame with me and my friends?
00:43:16.000
But for real, we would rent a van and me and like 10 of my friends.
00:43:22.000
And then my dad and like three other guys that are drunk dudes.
00:43:34.000
But before we whack off, one of the guys my dad invited, he's this like old fucking dude, blacked out at the bar and they had to take him home.
00:43:41.000
So they take him home, throw him on the bed in one of the rooms we have, and then they go back to the bar.
00:43:49.000
Let's fuck with this guy a little bit so we're slapping him, screaming in his face, shit like that.
00:43:55.000
Dude, we set an alarm clock next to his head and set it for a minute later and turned the lights off.
00:44:02.000
I thought you were going to say you jerked off one.
00:44:23.000
What, like, all around him, like a fucking seance?
00:44:30.000
Dude, he was asleep, a dude was next to him in the bed, and his body was shaking from the outside.
00:44:38.000
Was it hard to get off with that old guy there?
00:45:08.000
And then my buddy goes, alright, so as soon as we got done coming, everyone's like, alright, let's keep fucking with this old guy.
00:45:35.000
He woke up and he was like, you kids got fucking problems.
00:45:50.000
And then he went back to sleep, but his pants were still down at his ankles.
00:45:54.000
Porn's still on the TV. We go down to the front desk.
00:46:00.000
We go down to the front desk and ask the dude, like, can you let us back in?
00:46:16.000
And then he opens the door and there's an old man with his pants down asleep.
00:46:32.000
Maybe we don't say it on the world's largest platform.
00:46:40.000
One of us is going to find an opportunity to get this word out there.
00:47:14.000
But then he's like, let me make sure it's not...
00:47:51.000
They didn't even know what the fuck Hitler was.
00:48:16.000
If I can see your lips through the mustache, I think you're a creep.
00:48:27.000
When I can see too much face through the mustache, I get concerned.
00:48:49.000
For one day, I shaved it in my own house and never even went out with it.
00:48:52.000
I had a full beard, and then I said, let me just see what it looks like, I'll walk around the house.
00:49:06.000
I can grow one that goes all the way up to my fucking cheeks.
00:49:23.000
Can you transplant your ear hair to the top of your head?
00:49:25.000
And my eyebrow hairs are longer than they've ever been before.
00:49:43.000
I fold it up, then I hit it with the razor, with the electric.
00:49:47.000
Every barber I go to is like, you want to do your eyebrows?
00:50:01.000
Well, he was very popular for doing it at a time where I think a lot of people were doing it.
00:50:10.000
Yeah, he had stuff shaved in the side of his head.
00:50:59.000
Have you ever seen those Asian makeup removal videos?
00:51:12.000
He's like, if I had alopecia, I'd still be hot as fuck.
00:51:37.000
It's funny, too, that he was just trying to be like, this is what black eyes look like.
00:51:43.000
Did you ever see that there was a photographic book with Madonna and Madonna and him are in a lot of these photos.
00:52:10.000
She's hanging on as long as she can, and she's doing as good as a 65-year-old woman has ever done.
00:52:17.000
She's got to be 81. Regular 65-year-olds are beating her now.
00:52:38.000
I remember one time I was really, really, really high, and I was in the green room of, I think it was Brea, and we're watching TV and Comedy Central's on, and There's this video.
00:52:54.000
Joan Rivers had a television show with her daughter.
00:52:57.000
I remember being super high and watching Joan Rivers on TV going, holy shit.
00:53:24.000
Okay, even if she looks 50% as good as- Find the wet video.
00:53:28.000
Look at that picture with her and Jimmy Fallon.
00:54:02.000
She's doing the sexy thing while she's older, and some people have a problem with that.
00:54:19.000
That's as hot as you can get at 64. That's true.
00:54:30.000
If that was your dad's new girlfriend, you know how fucking pumped you would be if it wasn't Madonna?
00:54:41.000
Dad, how come you're on fucking Madonna right now?
00:54:59.000
I'm sorry, I assume your mom is not a hot lady.
00:55:22.000
My family group text sent a picture from her 50th.
00:55:32.000
It was right after I quit football and was just dying.
00:55:42.000
I quit football and still was eating like I was playing football.
00:55:58.000
Imagine if you release a Netflix special, okay?
00:56:11.000
And you realize your dad's about to fuck Madonna.
00:56:21.000
I would love to see your dad talk to her, like, hey, do you like the Eagles?
00:56:25.000
If you're a 65-year-old man and that's your wife, you're fucking pumped.
00:56:39.000
When I was in high school, I was 17, I had a giant crush on her.
00:56:42.000
Then I found out she was 26. I was like, oh my god, she's so old.
00:56:56.000
The one in the black dress with the sunglasses?
00:57:10.000
She made a deal with the devil and it all fell apart all at once.
00:57:20.000
There's a thing that's weird about a really attractive older woman that tries too hard and has a bunch of plastic surgery and then you become kind of like almost a monster.
00:57:53.000
Her real name is like Guga Nanana Lasagna or something crazy.
00:58:03.000
She's on an old episode of a hidden camera show before Gaga.
00:58:13.000
He dances around his house, he tucks, and he plays My Poker Face.
00:59:21.000
I mean, we were talking about a movie that just came out.
00:59:26.000
I'm gay for a lot of those people that are in that.
00:59:39.000
I was watching this one scene from some movie he played in about a dysfunctional relationship with him and the wife just screaming and yelling at each other.
00:59:50.000
It depressed me so much just watching the clip that I didn't want to watch the movie.
00:59:58.000
My favorite moment of his when he took off that fucking Vader mask.
01:00:18.000
I want to see the best people that have ever lived.
01:00:21.000
I want to see them working their problems out amicably.
01:00:32.000
Show me a movie about a guy coming out of his ass.
01:00:38.000
The problem I have with movies like that is because that's an environment that you're living in for an hour and a half.
01:00:47.000
And whether or not you admit it, we're all affected by our environment.
01:00:51.000
And you're choosing to live in a fucking suicidal depressed environment for an hour and a half.
01:00:57.000
You can decide to do that if you want to do that, but you've got to understand what that is.
01:01:01.000
When you're sitting there in that thing and you're watching that film, and maybe it could be amazing and great, but you're absorbing the community of that thing that's being presented to you.
01:01:13.000
Yeah, and if you're a person that's surrounded by people that are fucked, you're probably fucked.
01:01:21.000
That's why I cried during Guardians of the Galaxy.
01:01:23.000
I was surrounded by beautiful friendship, great music.
01:01:43.000
If Ron DeSantis becomes president, And then they get Quentin Tarantino to do a Hunter Biden movie.
01:01:50.000
Imagine if Quentin Tarantino decides that's his last movie.
01:01:57.000
Hunter Biden with a fucking briefcase filled with amphetamines.
01:02:01.000
Just wandering through the airport somewhere, telling everybody who his dad is.
01:02:05.000
Just doing wild shit with street hookers in Vietnam smoking crack.
01:02:21.000
They keep fighting it, but I don't see them winning.
01:02:53.000
Because standard Hollywood is not going to work with them.
01:02:59.000
The problem is that ecosystem, you have to be left-wing.
01:03:06.000
If you're not left wing and you're in that Hollywood ecosystem, you have to keep your fucking mouth shut.
01:03:14.000
So if someone wanted to go and work for the Daily Wire and then people found out they're working for the Daily Wire, I guarantee that would be a problem with the fucking super libs.
01:03:27.000
They would not want anyone around them that has any...
01:04:09.000
I feel like I was out of line and suggested it was them.
01:04:13.000
Because Breitbart would probably have even worse casting agents.
01:04:23.000
Jordan Peterson has like a lot of people- Daily Wire made a movie- Center right.
01:04:34.000
It's kind of like one of those movies where like the good guy has the gun.
01:04:40.000
No, there's a bunch of school shooters come in and start shooting and then a girl.
01:04:56.000
It's like the WNBA. Tony Hinchcliffe used to have a bit about it.
01:05:03.000
And the Daily Wire, they have a bunch of booths, right?
01:05:09.000
So Ben Shapiro goes, and he's there, and he's meeting people that are podcast fans, and they're all coming up to him, and they're real friendly to him, and they're taking photos with him and stuff like that.
01:05:16.000
And then afterwards, they release a statement talking about the harm that that did, and how they were not aware.
01:05:23.000
Like, the people who ran this podcast thing, the harm in bringing in Ben Shapiro that was very damaging to people.
01:05:39.000
I forget the words they used, but it was one of those things where you read and you're like, what are you saying?
01:05:43.000
They just apologize to people so they keep doing their business.
01:05:48.000
They have some of the top podcasts in the country.
01:05:52.000
Hi folks, we owe you an apology before sessions kick off for the day.
01:05:56.000
Yesterday afternoon, Ben Shapiro briefly visited the PM22 Expo area near the Daily Wire booth.
01:06:04.000
Though he was not registered or expected, we take full responsibility for the harm.
01:06:18.000
We agreed to sell the Daily Wire, a first-time booth, based on the company's large presence in podcasting, which it should be.
01:06:26.000
The weight of that decision is now painfully clear.
01:06:30.000
Shapiro is a co-founder, a drop-in, however unlikely, should have been considered a possibility.
01:06:37.000
Those of you who call this unacceptable in quotes are right.
01:06:45.000
In nine wonderful years growing and celebrating this medium, PM has made mistakes.
01:06:59.000
The pain caused by this one will always stick with us.
01:07:03.000
We promise that sponsors will be more carefully considered moving forward.
01:07:12.000
You can't entertain any views that are different than yours.
01:07:21.000
Oh, we'll live with this for the rest of our lives.
01:07:27.000
It's like people have opinions on one side and people have opinions on the other side.
01:07:43.000
There's all these people taking photos with him.
01:07:47.000
Listen, the way to handle people that you disagree with is to fucking debate them.
01:07:57.000
They should have conversations with him publicly.
01:08:03.000
To say that it was a bad idea to let that guy there is crazy.
01:08:08.000
It doesn't mean you agree with everything he says.
01:08:13.000
But you don't think they're actually saying that.
01:08:15.000
I think they're just under pressure of like, fuck you, fuck you.
01:08:18.000
They go, okay, I'll tell you everything I think you want me to say.
01:08:21.000
Listen, most people have never experienced anything remotely like what you've experienced when people are mad at you.
01:08:28.000
Imagine putting that on a person who's experienced nothing.
01:08:38.000
For someone who's not even an entertainer and doesn't know what that feels like...
01:08:42.000
And all of a sudden, this person gets dragged into it, and like, what do I have to do to stop this fire?
01:08:52.000
Like, there's lines that you have to stay inside of.
01:08:57.000
When she goes, I use the word spaz, she goes, I know this is deeply offensive.
01:09:03.000
There's no more just like, guys, it was a little bit off.
01:09:06.000
There's a mind virus cult that took over half the fucking country.
01:09:14.000
It's not good for anybody if you apologize and go into that.
01:09:17.000
If you become one of those people that get sucked into that world of not being able to say anything.
01:09:36.000
And in the articles, it says spaz, which by the way, they have to take both sides to it, which by the way, is part of black culture.
01:09:43.000
They can't be like, it is wrong, because then that's pissing off black culture.
01:09:49.000
Let me say, did you see what Matt Damon said about the state of movies?
01:09:55.000
We all think it's because of this, because of that.
01:10:02.000
So they used to make movies, and if the movie didn't kill it at the box office, you made a ton of money on DVDs later.
01:10:08.000
But now they don't have that, so they can't risk making a non-theater movie.
01:10:15.000
Yes, like Swingers and Pulp Fiction and all these movies.
01:10:29.000
What's the one Tarantino wrote but didn't direct?
01:10:40.000
What did they do before TV? True Romance is so fucking good.
01:10:48.000
That eggplant speech was one of the greatest acting scenes.
01:10:52.000
There's just so many good scenes in that fucking movie, man.
01:10:58.000
But back then, to make a movie like that back then, like to do Reservoir Dogs back then, was like revolutionary.
01:11:06.000
But just in 1994, we had Forrest Gump, Pulp Fiction, Lion King, Saving Private Ryan.
01:11:28.000
They have the new one out and none of the lions have dicks.
01:11:31.000
But kids have seen lions with dicks in the zoo.
01:12:04.000
Wait, or was it the year before and it just made that later?
01:12:15.000
But still, I mean, the 90s killed it, and then it all just went to shit.
01:12:20.000
Martin Lawrence, you're so crazy, you're number 43 ever.
01:12:30.000
Some of those are leftover from the year before.
01:12:46.000
It's a completely different environment than it is now.
01:12:50.000
Once the internet came along, everything got weird.
01:12:56.000
Well, it was that, and it was also like, there's something that changed in culture with the preoccupation of other people's opinions and tweeting.
01:13:10.000
There's a lot of content, but there's less of these, like, the Black Keys kind of dudes.
01:13:26.000
Alright, it's good to see it's still sitting upright.
01:13:29.000
In some ways it's harder to create real shit because there's so much benefit in creating something that someone would like.
01:13:41.000
Doesn't it make it seem like it's the easiest time to make something real?
01:13:47.000
You're gonna face repercussions like we all have.
01:13:52.000
Dude, this podcast is three fucking hours long.
01:13:56.000
You just have to say, I'm not going just for likes, I'm going for what I want to put out and enough people will see it.
01:14:02.000
I don't have a short attention span, so I just assume other people don't either.
01:14:12.000
There's also not one interview show that's authentic.
01:14:20.000
It's crazy because they're in competition with people like us that are.
01:14:26.000
When I started This Not Happening, they were like, we found that videos work best for two minutes or less.
01:14:30.000
And I'm like, I'm going like 25 minutes on these.
01:14:37.000
I hate all that fucking, like, you need fucking captions, put out clips.
01:14:49.000
And if you want to do that, like, Schultz loves to do that shit.
01:14:59.000
It's like the something, something, best something, something of all time.
01:15:05.000
The problem with that is what you're selling is authenticity.
01:15:12.000
If you're not authentic and you're just bullshitting, Then why?
01:15:21.000
If you do that one thing and you're not authentic.
01:15:28.000
And then if you're a guy, say you're the host of the fucking Ari Shaffir show on CBS. And it's killing.
01:15:37.000
Can you imagine if Ari was successful, how shitty he would be?
01:15:42.000
I would cut him out and bring him back in just to cut him out again.
01:15:45.000
You would have a trans brand leader, trans band leader.
01:15:59.000
They get on a TV show and they go fucking woke.
01:16:03.000
All of a sudden they get woke, and they get weird.
01:16:07.000
So imagine, you're living in a fucking dope house in Beverly Hills.
01:16:14.000
And your friend comes over and says the end word.
01:16:20.000
If you mind probably cutting him out of your life.
01:16:24.000
And I need you to write jokes about people who don't get vaccinated.
01:16:33.000
Let's open with those jokes about people skeptical of the pharmaceutical companies.
01:16:42.000
Well, they follow what's going to help their career.
01:16:44.000
The thing is, what helps their career is to be deeper entwined with the system that's dying.
01:16:58.000
I'm not against regular TV. If that's what you're into.
01:17:01.000
The problem is the system itself stops people in their tracks before they get to have a true expression of what they want to put out there.
01:17:09.000
The only way you can put out what you want to put out is if you put it out by yourself.
01:17:17.000
Killian Keeves is one of the best examples out there on the internet.
01:17:20.000
That fucking Trump speed dating shit is hilarious.
01:17:23.000
You guys have a ton of sketches that are fantastic.
01:17:26.000
You know, I read one of the quotes under the YouTube that I fucking 100% agree with.
01:17:30.000
They said, this is better than anything you're gonna see on sketch television and regular TV. Yeah.
01:17:39.000
No one would allow them to go for it the way you guys go for it.
01:17:42.000
The one with the dad who has the OnlyFans account?
01:18:08.000
But we think of the bitter because the bitter hurts the most.
01:18:12.000
We focus on the guy in the front row not laughing with his arms crossed.
01:18:15.000
It is funny, though, but when we started, there was no option to be like, hey, do what you want your way.
01:18:27.000
You can still make rent money just doing your own work.
01:18:38.000
If they can't figure out how to get there, do you really want them going?
01:19:00.000
Every DM I get is like, when are you coming to Toronto?
01:19:05.000
Are you even allowed to fly in there unless you're vaccinated?
01:19:14.000
We should have the whole next season up soon, September.
01:19:21.000
See, that's a thing that a regular network could never do.
01:19:30.000
They could never fucking do those things that they do.
01:20:02.000
It's the only Trump I've ever heard that's better than yours.
01:20:28.000
Dude, some people are way better at the conversational Trump.
01:20:48.000
There's like pro and con anti-FBI people with no information whatsoever.
01:20:53.000
Fucking no information whatsoever either pro or con FBI. Here's my favorite part, is the same people, so now the left keeps tweeting, oh, now all of a sudden the right's anti-police?
01:21:05.000
But then it's like, the people on the right, they get to tweet, oh, all of a sudden the left's pro-police.
01:21:21.000
When Trump won, they all said, the election's rigged, it's a rigged election.
01:21:24.000
And then when Trump won, oh, the election's rigged.
01:21:28.000
So yeah, when Trump won, the left was like, he was a Russian spy.
01:21:42.000
And then there's people like us just looking at all of them going like, oh, I want to make fun of all of you.
01:21:52.000
I agree with more people on the left than I do on the right on most things, but I still think they're the most ridiculous.
01:22:16.000
I like it, but they're going a little overboard with the dancing.
01:22:35.000
We get some McDonald's and amphetamines for the boy.
01:22:38.000
Imagine if that's the first time he drinks is on your show.
01:22:47.000
His Twitter before was insane, but his drunk Twitter would be bananas.
01:23:18.000
Did I talk about this last time when I went to Mar-a-Lago?
01:23:35.000
You went to Mar-a-Lago to meet Trump specifically?
01:23:37.000
I went to Mar-a-Lago because I was doing Palm Beach improv, and some people that work there or work You know, on the staff or whatever, their fans, they showed up, came to the show, they were like, do you want to go to Mar-a-Lago tomorrow?
01:24:07.000
Dude, the only people there are 70-year-old billionaires.
01:24:21.000
What if we built a podcast studio at Mar-a-Lago?
01:24:26.000
What if we have a conversation with Donald and we go, we don't want to be affiliated with you in any way, sir.
01:24:31.000
We would just like to rent some space on your property and put together a podcast studio.
01:24:36.000
Once every couple months, we will do Protect Our Parks from Mar-a-Lago.
01:24:46.000
Everybody knows that we've moved our studio to Mar-a-Lago for only protect our parks.
01:24:52.000
And behind us, it'd be like, fucking park ranger hats and shit and pine trees.
01:25:00.000
You have no idea how much I would donate whatever money for the membership.
01:25:06.000
And then if it gets brought up in interviews, we can't disclose.
01:25:26.000
You know who's doing stand-up now is Don Jr. Really?
01:25:36.000
Now, if this was in the home of a professor, people would think this is magnificent.
01:25:42.000
If this is a guy who's this genius man who wrote books on gene therapy and whatever and just fucking published works and made millions of dollars somehow, and this was his home, you'd be like, what an opulent home.
01:26:22.000
This is what you're supposed to do when you're a 78-year-old billionaire.
01:26:28.000
Live on a resort where everybody knows it's yours, so the only people that come are people who love you.
01:26:33.000
So there's all these, thank you for the tax cut, Mr. Trump.
01:26:50.000
Well, I mean, number one is YMCA. That's his number one choice.
01:27:09.000
Wasn't there like a video of him dancing to a song and the people who made the song objected to it?
01:27:38.000
If I was Trump, I would go, yeah, that's a good move.
01:27:51.000
Did you know you're young and you're making billions?
01:28:08.000
The Kanye doc when he's watching Tucker Carlson.
01:28:45.000
That was the first time I've been like, for real, like, oh shit, there he is.
01:28:51.000
He was from us to Jamie, just standing there, and I was like, oh shit, oh shit.
01:28:55.000
If he did your podcast, they'd take it off of YouTube.
01:29:00.000
They did a podcast with him and they took it off YouTube.
01:29:17.000
I don't know what their political affiliation is.
01:29:22.000
Yeah, but I don't think they say anything disparaging about Trump.
01:29:29.000
I think of my special, I was like, it'd be funny if he got shot.
01:29:37.000
But I don't think he's tallying up all that shit when he books a podcast.
01:29:43.000
Yeah, I think, like, we talked to Jeff Ross when he roasted Trump and, like, had a conversation with him.
01:29:52.000
Dude, did you ever see that Stern clip of him and Artie Lank?
01:29:56.000
He's talking about how good Artie Lang was and how funny he was.
01:30:01.000
And then they were like, but didn't he make fun of you at the thing?
01:30:11.000
His best on Stern was when they would show him models.
01:30:23.000
He's the Salman Rushdie of comedy because he can't die.
01:30:43.000
I'm sure that crowd was like, ha ha, wait a minute, this is serious.
01:30:59.000
If you could stab him in the eye a couple times, you're dead.
01:31:11.000
I remember when he came out of hiding and it was like, oh, is it over?
01:31:44.000
Just full on, like, everybody in the Middle East was like, don't do that.
01:31:52.000
We took over Iraq, and we're like, anybody that was in Saddam's party is out.
01:31:57.000
But the problem was, everybody was in Saddam's party.
01:32:20.000
They get to say, like, that's sinful, but for real, no.
01:32:38.000
Not only that, I don't think they understood the repercussions of the Shia versus the Sunni Muslims going at each other in what's essentially a civil war.
01:32:47.000
We didn't think that Muslim sects hated each other to the point where they go to war with each other.
01:32:54.000
They think that the United States invasion of Iraq Not only was it one of the worst decisions ever in terms of human life, they think that a million people died that wouldn't have died.
01:33:20.000
Dude, there are parts of the world that I really wish people would either know about or visit.
01:33:27.000
Yeah, before they even think about what you think the world is.
01:33:31.000
If you think about what you think the world is, you think the world is fucking Santa Monica.
01:33:40.000
The world is weird and it's like bubbling all around us.
01:33:43.000
We're like the center of cheese that hasn't been fucking cooked by the heat yet.
01:33:46.000
All the outside edges are all crispy and fucked up and it's starting to get to the center.
01:33:55.000
Yeah, I went to Egypt right after there was some terrorist attack, so tourism was way down, and there was like a desperation in the air, where they were like, we're about to get violent.
01:34:07.000
Fucking COVID was brutal for places that were like vacation spots.
01:34:11.000
Imagine vacation, like Hawaii got brutalized by COVID. Really?
01:34:40.000
They're some of the nicest fucking people alive.
01:34:48.000
Everywhere you go, they're nice if you're not a cunt.
01:34:52.000
American tourists act like they're the ones, like that kid who pissed on the tree on Midsommar.
01:35:02.000
We can't be responsible for these fucking idiots that we pretend are on the same team as us that are dumbasses and fuck things up and go to countries and spray paint shit on statues because they think it's funny.
01:35:13.000
Did you see those fucking climate activists that glued themselves to a statue of the Vatican?
01:35:18.000
Did they glued themselves to a renaissance painting?
01:35:23.000
They're touching these priceless artifacts and they're getting their hands stuck on them.
01:35:31.000
They must use some sort of solvent or something.
01:35:33.000
So what if that fucks up and permanently mars these priceless statues?
01:35:42.000
Which are kind of the only good things that are going to survive after climate change.
01:35:49.000
How bad does that old man want to fuck that woman?
01:35:57.000
26-year-old woman referred to only as Laura and an unnamed older man.
01:36:03.000
Along with several reporters entering to Vatican Museums where the activists glued themselves to the base of the sculpture.
01:36:17.000
They should have drop-kicked him until they were fucking removed.
01:36:19.000
These Just Stop Oil and Ultima Generose have received $1 million in funding.
01:36:35.000
I mean, you've definitely introduced something that should never be there with superglue and human skin tissue.
01:36:42.000
So everyone's going to know that's where the climate activists glue their fucking stupid hands?
01:36:46.000
It does look like it might just be the base that they put later.
01:36:52.000
Yeah, it's like they attach a stature to a base.
01:36:56.000
If that was old, we'd be like, what the fuck, bro?
01:37:03.000
See the video of the guy sitting on the highway?
01:37:06.000
The guy's sitting on the highway because of climate change, and they were just yanking him.
01:37:10.000
Dude's just like, yo, I have to go to work, you fucking losers.
01:37:15.000
I gotta show you guys the most alarmist climate change shit I have ever seen in my life.
01:37:43.000
Oh boy, the black lady is going to get some business done.
01:37:45.000
I guarantee you none of those people have ever read studies on climate change.
01:37:49.000
I fucking guarantee you they never got over peer-reviewed data and tried to find out what the actual long-term understanding of the climate's ups and downs are.
01:37:59.000
Zombie ice from Greenland will raise sea levels 10 inches.
01:38:06.000
I'm not saying that climate change is not real.
01:38:09.000
Climate change is being affected by human civilization 100%.
01:38:12.000
Also, people are crazy and they like to lose their fucking minds and exaggerate things and go way off the deep end.
01:38:29.000
Put that fucking picture up again, Jamie, please.
01:38:32.000
Zombie ice from Greenland will raise sea level 10 inches.
01:38:36.000
Dude, if sea level goes up 10 inches, everyone's dead.
01:39:00.000
Oh, some other study said it could go 30 inches.
01:39:06.000
Do you ever see Trump talking about climate change?
01:39:12.000
Okay, so, for likely sea level rise from Greenland ice melt by the year 2100. Yeah, so that's what Trump said about climate change.
01:39:19.000
He goes, well, we gotta worry about this, because the sea level's gonna go up one-tenth of a fucking inch.
01:39:32.000
The unavoidable 10 inches in the study is more than twice as much sea level rise as scientists had previously expected from the melting of Greenland's ice sheets.
01:39:41.000
The study in the journal Nature Climate Change said it could reach as much as 30 inches, 78 centimeters.
01:39:46.000
By contrast, last year's Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change reported projected range of 2 to 5 inches.
01:40:00.000
Yeah, but I don't necessarily think they know we're fucked.
01:40:03.000
The problem is, like, people can adapt to things, and there's a certain aspect of it that you can't avoid at this point.
01:40:09.000
There's been damage done, and there's also, like, a clear...
01:40:14.000
Change in climate that's happening, but there's always been a change in climate.
01:40:18.000
The question is like how much do people have an effect on it?
01:40:21.000
Definitely have some, but is it all because of us and the only way we're gonna fix this?
01:40:25.000
We're gonna go electric cars, or is there like some sort of a technological way to fix it?
01:40:30.000
Is there a way to pull carbon from the atmosphere?
01:40:34.000
It's like you charge them nuclear power in the cleanest way.
01:40:42.000
It's like the most devastating when shit goes south, though.
01:40:46.000
When a nuclear power plant goes sideways, everybody has to move.
01:41:28.000
It's that when you tell people that we need to do something, then people get into a fucking fever.
01:41:34.000
And then they abandon logic and reason, and they start acting like people that are in a fucking cult.
01:41:39.000
And that's what you see from a lot of this climate change craziness.
01:41:42.000
People gluing themselves to statues and laying in the road to stop climate change.
01:42:04.000
Yeah, but just being one of those people sitting there and then a black lady comes out and you're like, I was hoping it would be a white truck driver.
01:42:15.000
Well, I also, I understand your plight as well.
01:42:21.000
But we have to realize too, like, who's doing that?
01:42:26.000
So if there's a dumb person that thinks that this is the way to fucking get brownie points for the cause, they're gonna lay down on the highway.
01:42:41.000
They go so hard on people, and it was like, hey, is this achieving what you wanted to achieve?
01:42:47.000
Everyone's just going harder in response to you.
01:42:57.000
When they go after somebody for making a rape joke, suddenly everyone doesn't stop making them.
01:43:09.000
Like those people need better tactics than laying down in front of traffic.
01:43:14.000
See, you're looking in terms of someone who produces art and people that criticize that art, even if those are as offensive as a rape joke.
01:43:21.000
What those people are doing is instantaneously plugging into virtue.
01:43:24.000
You could be the biggest fucking loser ever, but if you're willing to put on that vest and lay down on the highway, everybody will call you brave.
01:43:32.000
And if you're one of those fucking people that says, we're out here trying to fight climate change, and that's how you're doing it?
01:43:37.000
You're blocking traffic and making people idle?
01:43:39.000
We're causing a traffic jam, which is actually probably bad for everyone.
01:43:45.000
Also, cars are going to break down, so you don't need more gas burnt to get a fucking tow truck out there.
01:43:50.000
And everyone in the crowd is like, we don't know what the fuck you're talking about.
01:43:52.000
It's so dumb and people get violent because like if you have to go somewhere, maybe your kid got fucking broke his leg at school and you're driving there and also there's some climate change person laying down the fucking house.
01:44:07.000
Imagine your son's playing football and your wife calls you.
01:44:14.000
And you're trying to get to the fucking hospital and some Dipshit!
01:44:25.000
You just want to grab him and throw him like a fucking sack of potatoes.
01:44:39.000
And you got to sit and watch this moron with this shitty idea imposing it on everybody.
01:44:47.000
Remember that lady who laid on the street naked in Portland?
01:44:51.000
Yeah, she stuck her cooter out for a climate change.
01:45:04.000
Is it BLM? I think it was BLM. A white lady showed her pussy to white cops during BLM. Good time.
01:45:11.000
They're racist, so they need to look at this pussy.
01:45:26.000
That was one of the longest-running shows ever.
01:45:34.000
That was during BLM. They were like, we don't want to promote this.
01:46:02.000
Do you remember when Steven Seagal was a cop in Louisiana?
01:46:18.000
It is the wildest shit you're ever going to see in your life.
01:47:58.000
It's getting more Southern as the interview goes along.
01:48:27.000
You know, that guy was one of the first Americans to run a dojo in Japan.
01:48:35.000
I think he was like married to the master's daughter or something like that.
01:48:42.000
Can you imagine getting arrested and then kicking out the car window?
01:48:53.000
You ever see that police guy in Louisiana doing the fucking, he's like, to the goblins, I'm here to give you a, see if you can find a dude from Louisiana.
01:49:13.000
It was a gang in his parish, and he just gives a full-on speech where he's like, come meet us with guns.
01:49:27.000
And to the goblins, I have this message for you.
01:49:32.000
I mean, growing up there, it felt like we were detached from the U.S. Louisiana feels like its own thing.
01:49:38.000
Well, first of all, in New Orleans, it's just spooky voodoo.
01:49:49.000
Dude, Neil Gaiman at American Gods, he says New Orleans is not part of America.
01:50:02.000
Drug trafficking, extortion, and brutal beatings.
01:50:05.000
We've arrested ten of these thugs and have warrants on seven more.
01:50:09.000
Every one of these animals is most definitely armed and dangerous.
01:50:20.000
And like me, We'll return fire with superior fire.
01:50:25.000
Darren Carter, you think men like these are afraid of an uneducated, 125-pound punk like you that's never won a fair fight in your life and holds your gun sideways?
01:50:35.000
Young man, I'll meet you on solid ground anytime, anywhere, light or heavy.
01:50:44.000
Men like us, son, we do dumbbell presses with weights bigger than you.
01:50:49.000
And the convicts in jail, most of those men are good people who just found themselves crossed with the law.
01:50:55.000
They're not evil, and they don't respect you or any punk like you.
01:51:03.000
I encourage every citizen walking this show of force.
01:51:08.000
Find the American courage that conquers all evil.
01:51:11.000
I implore you to listen to this message and stand up.
01:51:18.000
Come forward with information about these heathens that have terrorized your community.
01:51:24.000
And for those who would use this message as a way to create false racial division in our country, Take a close look behind me.
01:51:32.000
Standing next to every cop is a leader of our black community.
01:51:52.000
On behalf of the St. Landry Parish Sheriff's Office, the Louisiana State Police, the U.S. Marshals, and every cop and law-abiding citizen from sea to shining sea, I'm Captain Clay Higgins, asking every patriot to stand up, share this video,
01:52:12.000
We'd rather die on our feet than live on our knees.
01:52:29.000
Can I just say, the Gremlins is a cool name for a gang.
01:52:40.000
Could you imagine the rallies that that guy would have if he was running for president?
01:53:33.000
Someone's gonna get him being like, what do you mean, guys?
01:53:40.000
Let me tell you, if that guy runs for president, we're fucked.
01:53:43.000
Yeah, even Trump would see that and be like, this guy's gonna tone it down.
01:53:56.000
There's a lot of people like that out there in this world.
01:54:01.000
Just on the local news, just being like, you know where I live.
01:54:04.000
Most of the future crimes were solved, and what was most significant was that many of the suspects responded to Uncle Clay's message of redemption and turned themselves in.
01:54:15.000
The program was one of the most successful in the history of law enforcement.
01:54:27.000
It was one of the most successful in the history of law enforcement.
01:54:40.000
When that means the most successful out of how many.
01:54:44.000
The Gremlins is like, yo, we're still going strong.
01:54:46.000
When he says the most successful in history, like, what's the number?
01:55:04.000
It's not as crazy as that, but these kids kept fighting, so the dads came in and disciplined the kids.
01:55:11.000
Just coming to the high school and just shaking kids up.
01:55:24.000
I love the few episodes where the kid there knew that there weren't a lot of touch them.
01:55:37.000
Who was it, what reporter, there was a reporter that was interviewing a pro wrestler.
01:55:48.000
And the pro wrestler clipped him upside the head and dropped him.
01:56:27.000
So the guy goes on to be like a legitimate journalist, right?
01:56:32.000
He thought there were barriers that weren't there.
01:56:34.000
Yeah, he decided that he could get away with something.
01:56:36.000
But I think that fucked David Schultz's career up, didn't it?
01:56:40.000
He said he stayed in character, because Schultz says, McMahon told him he had to stay in character, and he goes, this was in character.
01:56:48.000
He said he decided it was true to his character to slap the guy upside the head twice for calling him a fake.
01:56:52.000
Stossel was knocked on his ass and ran away from the dangerous situation.
01:57:04.000
I mean, that still doesn't, like, mean you're supposed to assault reporters.
01:57:10.000
But I guess he would in character, though, right?
01:57:16.000
He goes, I bet you won't call me that to my face.
01:57:37.000
You know, you've been calling me that for about the last five years.
01:57:44.000
In that game, how many sacks did I have that we came back and won?
01:57:49.000
Let's see, but this was back in 1989. You may have even been Jim Everett back there, but somewhere along the way, Jim, you ceased being Jim and you became Chris.
01:57:58.000
That, you know, we're sitting here right now, and if you guys want to take a station break, you can.
01:58:03.000
But if you call me, Chris Everett, to my face one more time...
01:58:07.000
You better call one more time, we better take a station break.
01:58:09.000
Well, it's a five-minute segment, or five-segment show.
01:58:19.000
You know, because you've been talking like this behind my back for a long time.
01:58:24.000
Well, I think that you probably won't say it again.
01:58:47.000
Any fucking reporter talking shit on an athlete sucks, dude.
01:58:53.000
Just straight up being like, you're a pussy now?
01:58:55.000
You've got to be able to say an athlete is weak.
01:59:19.000
What if he started raining punches down on him?
01:59:39.000
Back then, they used to be very shut up and dribble.
01:59:48.000
But you have to be able to go like, the guy sucks, he's not going to step up in big moments.
01:59:51.000
You've got to be able to say that as a sports reporter.
02:00:06.000
It'd be like going on and being like, this guy's a pussy.
02:00:12.000
I'm not saying it's right, but I like that he stuck with it.
02:00:16.000
It says, Jim Rome says he regretted pushing Jim Everett's buttons.
02:00:21.000
What I learned from that is I didn't have to do it three times, Rome said in 2003. He said, in retrospect, I didn't know he was that angry.
02:00:33.000
Did we get this guy on a plane and fly him in so I could badger him and call him Chris and make it horrible for everybody?
02:00:39.000
There was a good interview to be done, and it didn't get done.
02:00:45.000
He was like, I had to be a fucking man for no reason.
02:00:51.000
By the way, Jim Rome, he's one of those guys that...
02:01:00.000
Like, sitting down by themselves, just like, I could listen to this all day.
02:01:11.000
Dude, he does this thing where he won't talk shit, but if somebody calls it, like, let's say, all right, Charlie Weiss, he was Notre Dame's coach, he was a fat guy.
02:01:19.000
Somebody would call in or text and be like, Charlie Weiss is fat.
02:01:23.000
He would be like, hey, we don't do that stuff here.
02:01:29.000
I don't think it's funny to sit around and say, Charlie Weiss is a big fat ass.
02:02:14.000
Well, I'll tell you that turkey's not feeling so great, by the way.
02:02:18.000
We got a turkey from the fridge after warnings not to.
02:02:32.000
Didn't, like, fucking people back in the day drink wine to aid in traveler sickness?
02:02:40.000
I think back in the day, too, most of what people drank was beer.
02:02:48.000
Because otherwise, people are drinking out of fucking ponds.
02:02:56.000
I think it might be a Bargassi joke, but I could have never invented a single thing.
02:03:05.000
The Sun cited a 1995 study in Hawaii which researchers found that wine was more effective than Pepto-Bismol at combating colonies of E. coli, Salmonella, and Shigella bacteria.
02:03:42.000
Dude, every once in a while, I'll be going through my fucking Instagram and I'll see that fucking...
02:04:02.000
You heard a kick from the street or something, didn't you?
02:04:08.000
And on the way home, I stopped at this Taekwondo place because I had been taking karate and I was kind of interested in some other martial arts.
02:04:15.000
And we were waiting for the T, which is like the public transportation.
02:04:18.000
It's like a long-ass line after a baseball game.
02:04:22.000
So I said, let's go up the stairs and check out this place.
02:04:25.000
So as we're walking up the stairs to this Taekwondo place, I keep hearing...
02:04:29.000
And it was this dude, John Lee, kicking this heavy bag so fucking hard that it was flying.
02:04:40.000
So it was his heel slamming into this leather heavy bag and sending it flying into the chains.
02:04:47.000
And so I walked up and I watched this guy train.
02:04:49.000
He was a national champion at the time and he was training for the World Cup.
02:04:56.000
Imagine just a 3'8 Joe Rogan just sitting there watching you kick and you had no idea what he would become.
02:05:04.000
Those kicks you throw are like genuinely scary.
02:05:09.000
It was funny when we went out and you were like...
02:05:18.000
He kicks so hard that if you see it, you'd be like, nah, I'm out.
02:05:24.000
Sometimes when I get high, in particular, when I get high, I don't believe I really can do it.
02:05:30.000
When I get high, I don't believe it's this hidden thing that I can do.
02:05:37.000
The greatest was seeing GSB go, wait, show me that?
02:05:46.000
That conversation came about because of John Donaher.
02:05:49.000
John Donaher was like the biggest wizard in all of jiu-jitsu.
02:05:55.000
Literally widely regarded as one of the greatest coaches in jiu-jitsu history, if not the best.
02:06:01.000
He comes up to me when I was working for the UFC, and he was there with George St. Pierre.
02:06:08.000
Maybe he wasn't there at that time with George St. Pierre, but he trains with him.
02:06:10.000
And he was saying to me, he goes, George needs help with his spinning back kick.
02:06:23.000
You must have thought the goal for me to say this.
02:06:26.000
But I said, just get me in front of a heavy bag and I'll fucking change your mind.
02:06:36.000
And it was kind of difficult situation too because we were just done training jujitsu and the ground was super wet with sweat because everybody had been training and it was like really greasy and it was also like a lot of humidity in the air for everybody.
02:06:49.000
When people train jujitsu like the fucking walls get greasy.
02:06:53.000
Because everybody's just sweating all the time.
02:06:56.000
So I had to use a towel and try to dry off the floor.
02:06:59.000
I wanted a real solid, dry floor so I could plow that fucking thing.
02:07:04.000
So I felt I could kick it even harder if I had a good grip on the floor.
02:07:14.000
So when I said it to him, I was like, it's such a stupid thing to do if you're a fucking comedian and a commentator.
02:07:23.000
And you're saying, hey, who's the best coach to show you a spinning back kick?
02:07:44.000
And GSP came in and I thought it'd be funny to be like, yo, I'll fuck you up.
02:07:52.000
But there was still a hint of, like, why is this boy saying this?
02:08:02.000
He's one of the best examples of a fighter becoming a non-fighter.
02:08:08.000
Staying an athlete, staying smart, always testing his mind.
02:08:26.000
I mean, I'm a fan, but you listen to GSP and you're like, oh, this guy's thoughtful.
02:08:30.000
Listen, you can't fight that hard unless you have some kind of philosophy.
02:08:36.000
There's got to be some ethics and morals of life that he lives his life by.
02:08:41.000
People hear Nate and think, oh, it's just funny.
02:08:53.000
Well, because when I started, like, loving Nate Diaz, I was like, oh, this guy's just funny.
02:09:01.000
And then, like, you slowly realize, like, oh, this is actually, like, a deep philosophy of, like, fuck that, he's a bitch, fuck him.
02:09:17.000
What he said about McGregor, where he's like, if this was a war, you'd be dead.
02:09:22.000
If no one's stopping this, you know in two different moments, I would have just killed you.
02:09:30.000
It's almost like when a kid says something brilliant.
02:09:36.000
Nate's scariest shit talk was that first Conor fight when Conor was predicting, he was Mystic Mac, he was predicting his fight.
02:09:42.000
He's like, yeah, I'd probably knock him out in the first round.
02:09:49.000
Dude, I was the first person to sound the alarm for everybody at the UFC. A couple straights.
02:09:54.000
I was like, hey, hey, hey, before this even got, I go, dude, that guy can win.
02:10:13.000
He's like Jorge stopped him with cuts and then at one time Josh Thompson stopped him with a head kick.
02:10:36.000
I thought he fucking stunned him and pointed at him.
02:10:55.000
Okay, you have to take that into consideration.
02:10:57.000
Also, you have to take into consideration how fucking good Leon Edwards is.
02:11:08.000
Yeah, he's eventually gonna get you and he doesn't care if he's cut open and bleeding.
02:11:16.000
So he clips him and then when he clips him, he hurts him.
02:11:20.000
It's really much more towards like the end of the round.
02:11:44.000
Because Leon is still mobile, and you can't just rush in.
02:11:50.000
You don't think Nate Diaz looks back and goes, ah, if I rush it without him.
02:11:56.000
The thing is, if you just rush in, you get KO'd.
02:12:15.000
Because it's one of the greatest examples of someone who opens up too much trying to finish someone and gets knocked out.
02:12:38.000
Because Leon is now the welterweight champion of the world.
02:12:45.000
So Pat Berry rocks Czech Congo and has him really badly hurt.
02:12:49.000
It looks like he's minutes away from getting stopped.
02:12:59.000
Because it's one of the greatest comebacks ever.
02:13:17.000
But Chet Congo survives, and Pat Barry rushes in and gets clipped.
02:13:25.000
So that is what could have happened to Nate if he just went right after Leon Edwards.
02:13:39.000
He also took a second to be like, while he was pointing, he wasn't sure if Leon was out.
02:13:47.000
He was still like, the whole fight, you gotta watch the whole fight because the whole time he's like...
02:13:54.000
Yeah, he checked one of his kicks once and pointed to his shin.
02:14:36.000
So if it's the main event, that means it's five rounds.
02:14:43.000
The fifth round, that motherfucker doesn't get tired.
02:14:55.000
He's pretty good, but this guy's unreal on the ground.
02:14:58.000
Leon Edwards out-grappled Nate in their fight, I have to say.
02:15:01.000
Leon did out-grapple Nate in that fight, but that's just because Nate was probably looking to strike, and he got surprised by Leon, who's really predominantly known as a striker, although he's very well-rounded, obviously.
02:15:14.000
He's predominantly known as a striker, and Nate probably didn't think that that would ever be his strategy, to go to the ground with him.
02:15:19.000
But also you gotta realize that Nate has fought at 155. He fought Connor at 155. That's where he was like maybe at his optimal frame.
02:15:28.000
These guys, Hamza fought at 185. That's a big guy.
02:15:32.000
He knocked out Gerald Murchardt with one punch at 185. See if you can find that.
02:15:44.000
But, Nate Diaz is the most durable motherfucker that's ever lived.
02:16:04.000
And by the way, he fights mostly at 170. This is at 185, right?
02:16:07.000
So he's not that lean, because he didn't have to cut weight.
02:16:27.000
His first, like, three fights, he hadn't been hit.
02:16:35.000
He was avoiding it like I avoid homeless people.
02:16:50.000
That's why it's the best sport, though, because, like, I'm not a big football guy, not a big basketball guy, but I love this because you get to know the guy.
02:16:56.000
Like, that Hamzak guy is a fucking psycho weirdo.
02:17:09.000
I knew I was going to get drunk and gay for Nate.
02:17:41.000
This weekend I'm going to Notre Dame, Ohio State.
02:18:11.000
We should all get one before we schedule stuff.
02:18:17.000
Can I tell you one of my favorite experiences at UFC? It's when randomly we didn't get the good seats.
02:18:35.000
We're up there, and we're like, I think Joey's calling you, and you know we're on acid.
02:18:40.000
You're like a little jealous, but also like, oh, I'm going to make some money here.
02:18:45.000
Yeah, because I would bring them to the shows, they would party, and I'd be like, fuck, I wish I could party.
02:18:57.000
And then I was like, oh shit, I can go chill with Nate and his bros.
02:19:03.000
And he was like, fuck, I gotta do a fucking interview.
02:19:11.000
Because if I went out until like 4 o'clock in the morning, I'd look like hell warmed over.
02:19:16.000
And then we got breakfast the next morning and Joe was like, what was it like?
02:19:59.000
And it goes back to calling fucking death matches.
02:20:03.000
I haven't gone to see one live without being working, without being a commentator for 20 years.
02:20:12.000
Went on a double date with Hinchcliffe and his girl and my wife.
02:20:22.000
It was right there on the fucking floor, right in front of the cage.
02:20:28.000
You've seen the reaction videos of you and shit.
02:20:33.000
When Leon knocked out Kamara, it was just like...
02:20:40.000
That's the thing that that sport gives you, what Lorenzo Fertitta called, oh shit moments.
02:20:46.000
Every UFC card has an oh shit moment, and that's why this sport is so fucking exciting.
02:20:52.000
You don't see other sports where the commentator is also a fan.
02:20:57.000
It's like you're looking at a monster coming at you.
02:20:59.000
And because I love DC so much, when he freaks out about a fight and I freak out about a fight, we lock eyes together.
02:21:12.000
Watch when we look at each other like, what the fuck?
02:21:15.000
We're like, what the fuck did we just see, bro?
02:21:44.000
Those moments, and you gotta realize that for that guy, that guy's a...
02:21:47.000
He's a two-division world champion, and me, I've seen like a thousand fights!
02:21:58.000
Yo, how nice is that video of Leon's trainers talking to him?
02:22:06.000
There's one that's done to the Rocky soundtrack.
02:22:18.000
Bro, and he lands the greatest head kick in the history of combat sports.
02:23:36.000
There's a relationship like some fighters have with their trainers.
02:23:43.000
If your coach is screaming at you in the corner like that and you go out there and do it.
02:23:51.000
See, I have a theory that fighters, we're kind of like fighters, but with cities.
02:23:55.000
You know, like, I need a corner man in Syracuse.
02:23:58.000
When I'm bobbing, I need a guy being like, the funny bone, you got this, don't feel sorry for yourself.
02:24:03.000
Yeah, their arms are crossed, they're looking at their phones.
02:24:09.000
Round one knockout, like, hey, how's everyone doing?
02:25:04.000
Greg Jackson used to always ask me about, like, what do you do?
02:25:06.000
And, like, if the comedy's not going well or if something happens, like, how do you, like, change?
02:25:10.000
I'm like, why do you keep asking me these questions?
02:25:14.000
Yeah, he goes, he goes, all art forms have unique, like, things that are true to all art forms.
02:25:18.000
And he goes, if I can understand what comedians have to go through, I can apply that to fighting.
02:25:22.000
That's why Miyamoto Musashi would study calligraphy and poetry.
02:25:26.000
Yeah, that was his idea, that you could see the way in everything.
02:25:29.000
It would help him, greatest sword fighter that ever lived.
02:25:42.000
The greatest sword fighter of all time, I would go, bang.
02:25:51.000
Do you know that that was supposedly impromptu?
02:25:57.000
That when he pulled a gun out and shot him, that that was like an ad-lib?
02:26:01.000
Make fun if that's true, because someone told me that.
02:26:05.000
That was a great way to handle something like that.
02:26:08.000
I heard that it was supposed to be some sort of crazy choreographed thing where the guy swings a sword and he misses, but then, you know, he just tried it.
02:26:16.000
Harrison Ford's like, bang, I'll just shoot this dude.
02:26:25.000
You know what the capital is to worry about that vaccine?
02:26:27.000
I have to listen to the interview to listen to this.
02:26:35.000
We were supposed to shoot this huge fight between the whip and the sword.
02:26:40.000
It took the whole morning just to shoot three storyboards.
02:26:43.000
At lunch, Marshall went to talk to director Spielberg to explain the production was taking longer than anticipated.
02:26:48.000
The brief meeting turned out to be impetus for Hollywood history.
02:26:51.000
Ford was not feeling well, and talk emerged to nix the big fight in lieu of something a bit quicker.
02:26:57.000
Okay, so no one will say who said what, and then somehow somebody said, I've got this gun, why don't I just use it?
02:27:04.000
And so the guy, whoever the instigator, the idea got the ball rolling.
02:27:09.000
After lunch, we did three shots, and we were two days ahead of schedule, and it's the biggest moment in the movie.
02:27:17.000
Sometimes it's a funny punchline to just pull out a gun and say, get that fucking stupid sword out of my face.
02:27:22.000
You can just fucking impress something and do better.
02:27:24.000
You ever write like a bit for six months and it's getting eh, and then you riff one thing after it, it kills, and you're like, damn it, really?
02:27:30.000
Do you do anything else other than comedy that you really like to do?
02:27:40.000
I loved it, but you get so old and you get banged up and it's hard to keep up.
02:27:52.000
I think it's important for everybody to have other stuff that you're into.
02:27:55.000
But I think there's a thing, almost like a cross-training element to it, of doing other stuff that I think applies to stand-up.
02:28:04.000
It's just you work on a trick over and over and over, and you finally nail it, then you can do it like second nature.
02:28:10.000
It's amazing with borders, too, when you see the videos, try, try, try, try, try, fail, fail, fail, fail, fail, and then hit it, and now I'll hit it every time.
02:28:25.000
Yeah, these kids hit me up and they run a skateboard magazine.
02:28:39.000
We used to do this from like 9am to 9pm growing up.
02:29:12.000
I like the camaraderie in skating where as soon as somebody hits it, everybody runs in and hugs them.
02:29:22.000
Do you think it's like that four-minute mile thing?
02:29:25.000
And once someone breaks it, then other people know they can do it?
02:29:28.000
Tony Hawk, the 900. Once he did it, kids are doing that shit at skate parks.
02:29:38.000
Like, when someone really is awesome and kills it, and they have, like, an insane special, and then everybody's like, whoa.
02:29:45.000
Or when you see someone come into the comedy show like Chris Rock or something, he just fucking crushes.
02:29:53.000
Yeah, I think that's why school shootings keep happening.
02:30:06.000
No, it's just go, oh, one kid did it, I'll do it.
02:30:11.000
There's a lot, I mean, it's all mentally ill people.
02:30:17.000
I mean, there's a lot of debate about what the tools are used, but at the end of the day, it's 100% the problem is that there's mentally ill people that are capable of doing that.
02:30:25.000
But weren't there mentally ill people in 1955 and they didn't shoot up a school?
02:30:28.000
I think there's also the thing that once something gets done, just like a skateboarding trick, people realize it can be done.
02:30:37.000
I think that's just a natural thing of humans with everything we do, whether it's things we love or even things that we hate.
02:30:43.000
There's like a thing where someone does something and someone wants to do it better.
02:30:48.000
Because if one nation shows that they're willing to kill your people indiscriminately, you can show that you're willing to kill all their people.
02:30:59.000
That's why when you see some shit that's happening in Ukraine, that's like the bar fight outside of the pub that turns into a fucking world war.
02:31:06.000
That's like this little scrap that you go, you gotta keep your eye on that, because this could be a fucking gang fight, and if you run out of the house with the wrong affiliation, you get gunned down in a drive-by.
02:31:25.000
We were talking earlier about people not understanding what other countries are like.
02:31:28.000
Like, man, they don't have any say in what the fuck goes down.
02:31:41.000
And it's us going, what the fuck that's going to save this thing?
02:31:47.000
It's like, that's one of the only things that's going to save this thing, is people realizing, like, this is crazy.
02:31:57.000
And there's a big barracks on an island with all these holes in a wall for cannons.
02:32:03.000
It was just, people are going to try to kill us, and we've got to kill them first.
02:32:20.000
When I say us, I mean most rational people that are listening to this and understand what the fuck we're saying.
02:32:26.000
I mean, like, most people who listen to this are like, what the fuck is going on?
02:32:47.000
Do you ever anticipate a time where there's not a thing like nations, where people control giant chunks of land and they have rules?
02:33:09.000
Like, power, and you break down barriers, like, hey, let's all just vote.
02:33:13.000
Do you think it would ever be a decentralized one-world government, or would it be a centralized one-world government?
02:33:22.000
Because that's like some World Economic Forum scary shit.
02:33:27.000
The battle is to figure out whether or not we all run this thing in a way that works well for everybody, or we let people run it in a way that works well for them.
02:33:42.000
So run the whole world in a world in a way that works well for everybody.
02:33:46.000
Like some sort of a distribution of resources, fix places that are economically fucked up, or let the people that are profiting the most run it in a way that benefits them, which is what they've always done.
02:34:00.000
And the top is like, no, we just want our own shit.
02:34:03.000
America's pretty perfect if the people up top aren't bought.
02:34:10.000
That's like, all my girlfriends would be great if they weren't hookers.
02:34:21.000
A smart 10. Where it's like, nah, you're just never gonna get that.
02:34:24.000
You never get a politician who's like, not corruptible.
02:34:27.000
You're gonna get a smart 10. These do rule, by the way.
02:34:29.000
What you're not gonna get is someone who has the character of someone who grew up unattractive.
02:34:35.000
You're not gonna get the character of someone who grew up unattractive.
02:34:40.000
You know, you get a Joey Diaz if he's like, this guy, he's not that good looking, but he's got a fucking fantastic personality.
02:34:47.000
Like, there's gotta be an uncorrupted politician.
02:34:51.000
I don't think there's any of them that are totally uncorrupted, but there's got to be some of them that have morals that are more in line with keeping society healthy as possible while also getting rich.
02:35:16.000
We need Ari to get a rascal to get out of here.
02:35:23.000
I love how you're drinking out of an Eagles asshole.
02:35:34.000
I'm not scared of Ari's E. coli either, because I had wine earlier.
02:35:52.000
College people were like, do you think you got those from grandma kissing you?
02:35:56.000
No, I got those from my dad drinking out of the fucking orange juice.
02:36:04.000
If you're in a house with people in the 60s and 70s and 80s and 90s, nobody thought about that.
02:36:15.000
Mark Norman, ladies and gentlemen, going for it.
02:36:29.000
Anytime I go to another country, I get there and I'm like...
02:36:41.000
I go, shit goes totally sideways and we're involved in some serious war.
02:37:03.000
Norman's got to do one of those in the cold plunge.
02:37:21.000
We gotta take like a week and a half there, though.
02:37:24.000
Ari's like, we gotta move there for at least three months to absorb the culture.
02:37:31.000
I was like, we can't just turn around and come home.
02:37:37.000
I was like, yo, we'll get a house down here for at least a month.
02:37:50.000
Shout out to Louis C.K. for giving me some solid advice on how to finish it.
02:38:20.000
You just conquer your inner bitch and just suck it down.
02:38:26.000
Some guy who listens to your podcast a bunch, he goes, here's how you do it.
02:38:38.000
We've got other problems that aren't going to be solved by this fucking Cold War.
02:38:41.000
Why are we going to an existential crisis if you haven't lied to himself?
02:38:51.000
If you can get in that thing every day, it'll make your life better.
02:38:57.000
When you get out of there, you feel really good.
02:38:59.000
Like, a big part of people's problem, I think, is inflammation, and there's something that happens with cold exposure where there's this wild rush of blood after it's over and your brain produces norepinephrine and all these, like, beautiful chemicals that make you feel good while you're warming up.
02:39:14.000
If it was a pill, if getting in a cold plunge every day was a pill, everybody would be on it.
02:40:33.000
It was the first time it ever hit me in my life.
02:40:40.000
And they were letting us hang out during COVID. It was the only place we could party.
02:40:51.000
And then we did Molly and Big J was like, Shane, come back out here.
02:40:58.000
And I came back out, and right when he said, Shane, come back out here, I was in the green room, and just a wave hit me.
02:41:08.000
And then I went on stage, and I couldn't show my face.
02:41:22.000
But they were like, we love you, and I was like...
02:41:29.000
I went on stage once on Acid, and I told the audience, and I could feel them tense up.
02:41:50.000
But there was a moment where they're like, oh my god, are you going to go crazy?
02:41:54.000
Molly's not like, you're not going to scream and run.
02:42:02.000
But there was a weird moment where it was like, oh, no.
02:42:07.000
When you tell people you're on mushrooms, they go, oh, you're silly.
02:42:21.000
If he had a good PR person, that's the perfect excuse.
02:42:35.000
That's the one that people associate with going crazy.
02:42:58.000
A bunch of people have gone cuckoo from acid, right?
02:44:16.000
Let's just drink a glass of water every 20 minutes.
02:44:21.000
This is actually one challenge you and I physically, I would be like, alright, I can do that.
02:44:57.000
Yeah, you don't want one of my water challenge.
02:45:22.000
Was it like Puri Shafir or something like that?
02:45:28.000
I don't know, but he does look just like those weird cats.
02:45:35.000
Dude, I can just like fucking hold my pee for the longest time.
02:45:43.000
Oh, look, there's me looking at it in the corner.
02:46:10.000
See, he has more of a rounded head at the top, like the cat.
02:46:14.000
See, the reason why that looks less like you than Adam Driver, because your head is narrow all the way up.
02:46:23.000
He's got this different shaped head, almost like a cat.
02:46:36.000
More like it, because he's thicker at the top of the head.
02:46:40.000
Whereas Ari stays sort of narrow the whole way up.
02:46:57.000
Legitimately, I posted it, and she's like, oh my god, you already had, oh, you were serious!
02:47:05.000
Dude, Monroe Martin saw that, and he goes, how did you Photoshop a cat to look like that?
02:47:21.000
Speaking of funny, your fucking special's gonna come out in October.
02:47:35.000
Because you were ready to kind of abandon that whole chunk.
02:47:38.000
I had to move on with my life, but I was like, eh, I think this is still ready.
02:47:43.000
Even better than when I saw him when you were running it at the store.
02:48:05.000
You don't get good feedback in LA? Audience feedback.
02:48:09.000
I've been to LA many a time, done the improv, done the store, done the laugh factory.
02:48:13.000
If you're in the scene, you get the same kind of feedback that you get in New York.
02:48:23.000
In New York, there's more people who don't give a fuck and be like, that wasn't very good.
02:48:27.000
Well, that's probably good for a lot of people.
02:48:32.000
And I feel like New York comics do the road more.
02:48:34.000
There's a little bit of an unnecessary attitude that comes with New York that I find a little pretentious.
02:48:40.000
There's a little aggressive attitude, but not quite at the point of violence.
02:48:46.000
There's always this three-quarter violence sort of attitude that a lot of people just generally accept in New York.
02:49:15.000
Yeah, that's some attitude in New York, but that's just one of the small parts of New York.
02:49:19.000
But comics keep each other in check in New York, which L.A. does not.
02:49:31.000
When you were there, everybody kind of kept everybody in check.
02:49:39.000
Before the success, it was more like, you need to work on that shit.
02:49:43.000
Right when I moved to LA. New York, 2000. This time really suck it down.
02:49:59.000
Success made everybody go, I don't want to piss anybody off because people all can help me.
02:50:03.000
Before at the Comedy Store, it was a failure hut.
02:50:05.000
So the biggest comics there were you and Bobby Lee.
02:50:09.000
Bobby was on Mad TV, and that was the biggest we got.
02:50:17.000
Until 2012, when Iga took over and all the big stars came.
02:50:20.000
When the lineups were Silverman, Spade, Fitzsimmons, you, Ron White.
02:50:23.000
I didn't go back until 2014. That's when I came back.
02:50:27.000
When I came back, it was already killing it because I went to see Roast Battle.
02:50:36.000
The big thing for me was that Ari was going to film his...
02:50:40.000
Comedy Central special there, and there was not a fucking chance in hell I wasn't going to be there.
02:50:51.000
I was like, they can suck my dick till the end of time.
02:50:54.000
But when Ari told me he was there, I was like, that's more important to me.
02:50:59.000
Your new special, dude, the last hour you've been running is fucking...
02:51:06.000
I mean, once you did the Kobe joke, I was out on you.
02:51:17.000
So I came back in 2014 to watch that, and I had to go the day before.
02:51:23.000
I said, I can't just be here the night that Ari Films is special.
02:51:32.000
So I went the day before, and I went and watched Roast Battle.
02:51:41.000
First of all, it was so underground, but it was packed.
02:51:45.000
Because it was like the cool people knew about it.
02:51:47.000
And you would go up there and the way Brian Moses, the way he hosted is so beautiful.
02:51:55.000
He's a great guy, he's funny, but also he's nice.
02:52:01.000
Everybody, here's the rules, you know, don't touch each other, but at the end we all hug it out.
02:52:05.000
And he does this thing and everyone's like, yeah, so this is fun.
02:52:10.000
You're gonna talk shit, you're gonna say some horrible things about each other, but it's gonna be fun.
02:52:15.000
And I remember being up there, And I forget who all was with us at the time, because I was just so overwhelmed by being there.
02:52:22.000
And that this moment- And it wasn't a lot too where it's like, that's your home home.
02:52:27.000
And then it was like, I haven't been here for a fucking five, six, seven years.
02:52:31.000
You gotta realize, dude, when I was in 1988, when I started doing stand-up- Holy shit.
02:52:44.000
When I was in Boston, we talked about the Comedy Store like it was Mecca.
02:52:53.000
That was Richard Pryor, Sam Kinison, Dice Clay, Mecca.
02:52:56.000
That cool thing that everyone forgets about that, when you go on the OR stage, you're standing right where Pryor stood.
02:53:07.000
I followed Pryor for like five, six weeks in a row.
02:53:12.000
I followed Martin Lawrence in his prime and ate plates of shit.
02:53:19.000
It's one of the most horrendous bombings I ever incurred in my entire life.
02:53:29.000
He said I was doing too many shows for white people.
02:53:33.000
Then all of a sudden he's doing these shows after Martin Lawrence.
02:53:51.000
I was this 27-year-old dumbass from fucking Boston.
02:54:03.000
I had like three good blowjob jokes, and I'm following Martin Lawrence in the main room at the store.
02:54:15.000
It was like three-quarters of the audience would leave immediately.
02:54:23.000
You're dealing with walkouts as you're getting on.
02:54:30.000
Anybody who was any good at how to go on after him.
02:54:46.000
No, no, that's what she looked like when she was young, man.
02:54:50.000
By the way, you can see the see-through fucking...
02:54:52.000
She's trying to show her tits off to everybody.
02:54:56.000
It's not totally accurate, but it's pretty close.
02:55:10.000
Is it the full photo where it shows the shirt she's wearing?
02:55:13.000
That's the one I knew, the one on the left right there in the black.
02:55:25.000
But then you hear all the stories like, hey, you gotta bring a banana on stage.
02:55:32.000
When Mitzi said, you gotta bring a banana on stage, that's her exasperator going, I don't know.
02:55:42.000
Dude, I had moved to LA. I was on a television show.
02:56:18.000
If you wanted to be a paid regular in 94, you just had to grind it out.
02:56:26.000
You would go there and Damon Wayans would go up in front of 20 people.
02:56:31.000
And you would be like, this is the most insane thing I've ever seen in my life.
02:56:39.000
Damon Wayans is one of the best comics that's ever lived!
02:56:45.000
If you watch him when he's in his prime, go back and watch The Last Stand.
02:57:08.000
He needed someone like us to go, Damon, Damon, you're one of the best fucking stand-ups.
02:57:40.000
He was in In Living Color, which is the second best sketch show ever.
02:58:07.000
Can you imagine being in a family that does stand-up?
02:58:21.000
He made movies, he made it in Living Color, and I'm Gonna Get You, Sucker.
02:58:26.000
And then on top of that, he was a fucking talk show host.
02:58:32.000
He was the reason why I started doing commentary for the UFC. What?
02:58:59.000
I'm still very good than the withering away of a lot of lives.
02:59:36.000
And I was talking shit about Steven Seagal fighting in the UFC. That's so funny.
02:59:45.000
I started working for the UFC in 1997. That's insane.
02:59:50.000
I didn't know there was a round in 97. Yeah, in Gotham, Alabama.
03:00:09.000
I flew with Randy Couture in a fucking propeller plane in 1997. Holy fuck.
03:00:38.000
The news is like, we gotta worry about this guy.
03:00:41.000
He ain't ready to go to our way to the airplane.
03:00:59.000
People in my position oftentimes forget who they are.
03:01:07.000
I'm the exact same fucking person I was in 2014, in 2007. I feel like Chappelle is getting that.
03:01:30.000
I've known him since he was like 18, 19 years old.
03:01:33.000
I met him at, he was at, we were both at Catch a Rising Star in New York in like 1992. That's how crazy that was.
03:01:44.000
I was just moving to New York and I was doing some sets and I ran into Dave and he was at Catch a Rising Star.
03:01:54.000
And then he and I did the Montreal Comedy Festival.
03:01:57.000
So we did this show, and after the show, Dave, who's like fucking 19 or 20 at the time, he goes outside on the street and takes off his hat and puts his hat on the ground and starts doing a comedy show.
03:02:15.000
After we did Club Soda, we just did a giant fucking theater.
03:02:21.000
So we did this theater, and then afterwards, I'm like 24, 25. How old is Dave?
03:02:46.000
So I'm 25. I'm 25 and Dave is 19. Sorry, sorry.
03:02:55.000
I'm 25 and Dave is 19. He takes off his fucking hat and he puts it on the ground.
03:03:10.000
If I saw someone doing that, dude, if I saw someone doing that, I'd be like, fuck that guy.
03:03:17.000
Well, Charlie Barnett was his hero, and he was a street performer.
03:03:20.000
But I'm telling you, if you were there when it happened, you wouldn't be like, fuck that guy.
03:03:27.000
He had this smile on his face, and everybody was like, I want to be a part of whatever this fucking guy's doing.
03:03:35.000
Yeah, Dave Chappelle's about as fucking cool as it gets.
03:03:45.000
Even the guy that tackled him and tried to stab him was sad afterwards.
03:03:50.000
He was like, hey man, it was cool when I tackled him.
03:03:53.000
Also, the guy who attacked him got his ass beat by Jamie Foxx and Busta Rhymes.
03:04:09.000
Five years you stood up and he's still shitting on us.
03:04:26.000
I was saying Jamie Foxx and Busta Rhymes beat the shit out of the guy who rushed him at the Hollywood Bowl.
03:04:39.000
He needs to eat bison and start doing deadlifts.
03:04:49.000
He takes a lot of photos with Chappelle and doesn't apologize.
03:04:54.000
You know what his worst crime is, and it's not even his fault, is that he inspired...
03:05:04.000
He inspired a generation of political comedy that just, they can't do it like him.
03:05:24.000
He was good, but apparently he was kind of an asshole.
03:05:35.000
He kind of was the precursor to you, where he was like this news source they all went to, but he's like, I'm also a community just fucking around.
03:05:42.000
Why aren't the regular news sources doing this?
03:05:54.000
Do you ever get bummed about the weight on your shoulders?
03:05:57.000
Are you just trying to run a show and hang out and talk to people and everybody's like, ah, you're evil or whatever.
03:06:07.000
You must be in the shower going, god damn, I'm just trying to talk.
03:06:17.000
And if you spend enough time thinking about how you think and what you believe and why you believe what you believe, that's the most important thing.
03:06:26.000
Do you believe what you believe because it's self-serving?
03:06:28.000
Or do you believe what you believe because it's accurate?
03:06:38.000
So if I feel good about all those things, I'm okay.
03:06:41.000
If I don't feel good about those things, then I want to correct it.
03:06:56.000
I think it will, because he gets shit in the moment, but I think...
03:07:04.000
What you've been saying is for the people and whatever the hell.
03:07:08.000
I'm not trying to get too queefy here, but I think a lot of people couldn't take it and they would pull back or they would change or they would go with it.
03:07:25.000
And I don't think the way people think about things at any given moment represents who they really are.
03:07:31.000
It represents how they feel about a specific instance.
03:07:35.000
And in a specific instance, you're dealing with a lot of different things.
03:07:42.000
Negative interactions, positive interactions, love, hate, fucking where they broke up, where they had an abortion.
03:07:49.000
You ever go through a breakup, they gotta go on stage the next night?
03:07:53.000
I know you, but you're a fucking conglomeration of all my experiences with you.
03:07:58.000
I've had good experiences with you, and I've had arguments with you.
03:08:14.000
Well, that's a very liberal mindset, ironically.
03:08:17.000
If you think about the worst things you've ever done in your whole life, you're like, why'd you do that?
03:08:23.000
Because you kind of had to do it that way to learn to not do it that way.
03:08:27.000
And you're dealing with all those things that happened to you before that happened.
03:08:33.000
You're dealing with negatives and positives and failures and success.
03:08:38.000
Feeling good about yourself and feeling depressed.
03:08:41.000
You're dealing with being dumped and being hit on.
03:08:44.000
You're dealing with all these different fucking variables.
03:08:46.000
And to pretend that a person is like a thing at one specific time, at that moment, and that's you forever, inescapable.
03:09:01.000
If Al Franken was on this fucking podcast and we got him high, he'd be like, yeah!
03:09:42.000
But, back in the day, Al Franken was the one dude that could have stopped Trump.
03:09:46.000
He drew the fucking entire- And the dumb pussy Democrats got rid of him.
03:09:51.000
He drew the whole country in the exact right proportion.
03:10:40.000
It's not the best map, but a lot of people are saying it's a very good map.
03:10:44.000
If I had one message to Al Franken, it would be do 15 minutes.
03:10:49.000
If I had one message, it would be testosterone replacement.
03:10:56.000
Yeah, he was the one guy who could have debated with Trump.
03:10:59.000
He would have been like a normal guy president.
03:11:02.000
He was the one guy that was like smart, liberal, and funny.
03:11:10.000
He has a deep appreciation of American history.
03:11:32.000
Hold on, can you play America, fuck yeah, the song?
03:11:42.000
He said, could you make any given Sunday better?
03:12:24.000
You talk about how people want somebody to do one thing and then everyone else does it.
03:12:29.000
And then Matt and Trey were like, we're touching it.
03:12:32.000
They drew Muhammad inside a teddy bear costume.
03:12:38.000
Salman Rushdie got stabbed in the eye for that shit.
03:12:40.000
And Matt and Trey were like, nah, we're just gonna do it.
03:12:59.000
At Comedy Central, if you wanted to get things through, you had to show something's been done before, whatever the word is.
03:13:08.000
And then I would have to research a bunch of TV shows.
03:13:11.000
A bunch of TV shows, because, hey, they did it here.
03:13:20.000
We were talking about the reason why Kyle Dunnigan and Kurt Metzkin could do what they do, because they don't have a person over them.
03:13:27.000
You can't have Gillian Keeves with a person over them.
03:13:42.000
Imagine if this was going on during Fear Factor.
03:13:58.000
When I go, hey, Cartman did it, so he's like, where are I saying it?
03:14:21.000
Without South Park, it's like SiriusXLM without Stern.
03:14:29.000
They have to keep giving him those $100 million a year bonuses.
03:14:44.000
Did you see South Park jokingly cover their ass with Tolkien?
03:14:58.000
Oh, I thought you meant like the guy who wrote The Hobbit.
03:15:02.000
Joe, their name with this one black character was Tolkien.
03:15:12.000
And then recently they were like, actually his name was Tolkien because we love...
03:15:25.000
It was Tolkien in the script with an L and an I. We gotta put a statue up for these guys.
03:15:37.000
When the teacher stuffed Paris Hilton up her ass.
03:15:44.000
It was the greatest moment in television history.
03:15:49.000
I also love when hilarious, brilliant people are silly and lowbrow.
03:15:56.000
You know, he's obviously this brilliant guy, but he's saying crazy, fucked up, twisted shit.
03:15:59.000
Yeah, you act like Louie's just like crazy, high-level guy.
03:16:01.000
And I saw him at the Stellar once, and he was like doing a bit, and then 10 minutes and then he looked down on his fucking stupid fat belly.
03:16:06.000
He had some crumbs, and he was like, I fucking...
03:16:13.000
And you guys are treating him like he's a fucking academic!
03:16:25.000
Mr. Slave tries to convince the children there's more to life.
03:16:37.000
It's not the part of the word that you're welcome for.
03:16:56.000
The South Park Chamber of Commerce is pleased to bring you the first annual Who is the Biggest Whore showdown.
03:17:06.000
The description of this is, I know Paris Hilton is a big whore.
03:17:47.000
She's got the fucking leaves coming out of her fucking skirt.
03:18:07.000
It's so nice to do beer bongs and then just watch that park.
03:18:48.000
Is that the greatest moment in television history?
03:18:59.000
Being spoiled and stupid and whores is supposed to be a bad thing, remember?
03:19:05.000
Parents, if you don't teach your children that people like Paris Hilton are supposed to be despised, where are they gonna learn it?
03:19:12.000
You have to be the ones to make sure your daughters start looking up to the wrong people.
03:19:28.000
Yeah, and I didn't mean to say you weren't a whore.
03:19:40.000
South Park, vice president, the other guy president.
03:19:52.000
Here's one of the weakest moments I had in my life.
03:19:59.000
When he was getting canceled, I was like, fuck this guy.
03:20:04.000
I didn't know I was being a fucking dumb pussy.
03:20:13.000
And then I watched South Park and they did an episode about sex addiction and they were like, who's against this?
03:20:20.000
As soon as I watched it, I was like, damn, I'm gay as fuck.
03:20:26.000
I just watched it, I was like, damn, I'm just wrong.
03:20:29.000
The Simpsons has to see South Park and go, damn, we could have been that.
03:20:43.000
Me and Renazisi were doing a commercial, EA Sports Tiger Woods.
03:21:16.000
So then later they're like, hey, do you guys want anything to drink or something?
03:21:20.000
And Steve's like, oh, I don't like hot liquids.
03:21:24.000
And Tiger Woods goes, I got some hot liquid for you right here.
03:21:36.000
We'll just go group by group and go, you got to speed it up.
03:21:40.000
Speaking of miscalculations, you guys watch the Manti Teo?
03:21:46.000
He's telling this crazy story about Tiger Woods.
03:21:57.000
I can't believe you haven't read this story before.
03:22:14.000
If you lived that guy's life, you would be him.
03:22:23.000
And the Mansi Teo thing, if you were that guy, you would be him.
03:22:34.000
The problem is we're not realizing that everybody's susceptible.
03:22:37.000
We're thinking, I wouldn't get caught with that.
03:22:39.000
You wouldn't get caught with that because your dad's a good guy.
03:22:57.000
Those fucking people we saw today when we were at the gas station.
03:23:10.000
She had a fucking terrible scar all over her forehead.
03:23:27.000
It was very fun to watch a homeless lady whose face was destroyed approach Rogi's.
03:23:55.000
He was like 28. Let me protect our fucking guy.
03:23:59.000
Yeah, that guy was like, he was like well-fed, cracked out.
03:24:18.000
Those exist all over the country, but that was the worst.
03:24:23.000
I pulled in before and just go, nah, and just pulled off.
03:24:26.000
But I wasn't worried about the guy as much as I was sad about the lady.
03:24:32.000
That was a lady that probably fostered, oh, look, someone's going to go pee.
03:24:55.000
The reason I was going out there was to get more beers.
03:25:14.000
No, the only reason I went out there was to get more beers.
03:25:29.000
And I am going to donate money to the charity of your choice.
03:25:40.000
I've got real problems when it comes to this kind of stuff.
03:25:46.000
When it comes to the only thing I can beat you in is drinking and not peeing.
03:25:54.000
You can beat him in drinking, but he will win on peeing.
03:25:57.000
But volume is just like, how much do you weigh?
03:26:32.000
But how long can you wait before you have to pee?
03:26:52.000
I haven't had a sip of water in a lot of hours.
03:27:19.000
Joe, I'm not saying your participation is diminished.
03:27:43.000
Yeah, I mean, I didn't know there was a competition going on.
03:27:47.000
Once he realizes the competition, it starts then.
03:27:54.000
Wait a minute, Shane's got a breathalyzer over there.
03:27:58.000
Oh, let's check Rogan, because I don't think he's that hammer.
03:28:07.000
I'm probably more sober than you, but that has nothing to do with peas.
03:28:14.000
I'll respect it, but he hasn't drank as much as me.
03:28:28.000
Also, Rogan has years of training of this podcast.
03:28:35.000
He's sitting with Boring Nottenberg and whatever the fuck.
03:29:08.000
Kids out there, never breathe into a breathalyzer.
03:29:57.000
Well, the eagle bomb really puts you over the edge.
03:30:34.000
You guys are talking about oral herpes all night.
03:31:50.000
You're going to be embarrassed how much you don't drink.
03:31:54.000
I've had a bunch of Bodega Cat available now online.
03:32:12.000
I can't drive though, can I? I'll wear pink underwear.
03:32:28.000
Like, if you hit a moose, you should be hammered.
03:32:37.000
When I went to Australia, I had to fly Air Canada.
03:32:46.000
The mask was below my nose, and a fucking male stortus tapped my shoulder, like, hard, like...
03:33:35.000
Do you know in Texas, if you drink at all, if you have one drink, and you tell the officer you had a drink, they arrest you.
03:34:04.000
Or this little machine that we bought off Amazon.
03:34:10.000
I feel like I need at least six hours before I can drive.
03:34:56.000
It's a lot of work, but it comes with mental health benefits.
03:35:00.000
We worked out today, this morning, and I feel good.
03:35:04.000
I wrote that the other day on Instagram because I was like, right after I got off this bike that I didn't want to fucking do, I did 45 minutes on this stupid fucking Airdyne Echo bike.
03:35:16.000
And I didn't say it to, like, shame people don't do it.
03:35:19.000
I said it to, like, and people are like, oh, some professional athletes also experience anxiety.
03:35:29.000
And I do it a lot because I think it's important for me.
03:35:35.000
If I can do tough shit or hard things, it helps me.
03:35:43.000
It's not a matter of someone's better than you.
03:35:48.000
People think about Republicans versus Democrats, right versus left, pro-abortion versus anti-abortion.
03:36:29.000
What about the early years when they're annoying and crying and shitting on your face?
03:36:32.000
What about the early years of stand-up, when you first started learning how to bomb?
03:36:36.000
What about fucking everything you've ever done in life, where you're trying to figure out what the fuck you're doing?
03:36:40.000
That's part of what life is, trying to figure out what you're doing.
03:36:43.000
There's no better representation of that than a child.
03:36:47.000
Because you're getting them from the fucking very beginning.
03:36:52.000
That's why I had this conversation with you on the way over here.
03:36:59.000
But you're 57. He's 85 years old, but he's a good person.
03:37:12.000
You don't recognize what a person is until you have a child and you realize that everybody used to be a baby.
03:37:21.000
And a lot of my friends that have had kids, they've had the same revelation.
03:37:30.000
Yeah, but Mark Norman, my whole fucking life is scary.
03:37:37.000
Everything I've ever done that's important has been scary.
03:37:41.000
No, Ari, every time you've ever done stand-up, if you've meant something that's important to you, it's scary.
03:37:45.000
But aren't you worried that you have two daughters?
03:37:53.000
But if you had children, I'd be worried about your children, too.
03:37:58.000
That fucking poor lady with the fucking vertical neck.
03:38:12.000
And she got the wrong set of circumstances, the wrong genetics, the wrong life choices, the wrong people around her, the wrong influences, foster care, who knows?
03:38:22.000
And now she's at a fucking gas station, cracked out with scabs all over her face and her nose, and she's begging for money so she can do meth.
03:38:35.000
If you lived that lady's life, you would be her.
03:38:40.000
The one thing that we don't want to admit is that we're all the products of all the individual experiences that we've had.
03:38:46.000
But my point is, your kids are gonna have their own fucked up-ness, and you just gotta...
03:38:56.000
You go on stage, and you tell jokes, and people fucking howl laughing, and you change the world.
03:39:05.000
Just like, would you say that to a person who's just doing an open mic?
03:39:17.000
That's why it's important to do difficult shit outside of stand-up.
03:39:22.000
I mean, if you're a fucking painter, if you're a fucking guy who makes music, if you're a person who writes books, do difficult shit.
03:39:39.000
If Burt Kresher dies of a fucking heart attack, I'll fucking be so sad, I'll be crying forever.
03:39:43.000
Burt Kresher will die this Sober October, and it will not stop our competition.
03:40:34.000
You know it's going to end, but it sucks while it's going on.
03:40:50.000
My friend Steve Rinella told me something once.
03:41:12.000
So, Steve Rinella said this to me, he says, it's fun that you have while you're having it, but you never think about it later.
03:41:23.000
But you never talk about, like, man, I rode that roller coaster, and there's shit that sucks while you're doing it.
03:41:29.000
But after it's over, you have the best fucking stories.
03:41:33.000
Remember that time when we got trapped in the fucking snow, your car broke down?
03:41:36.000
We had to walk four miles, and our toes were numb, and we got to this place, and these people led us into their fucking house, and we were freezing our dick off.
03:41:54.000
Yeah, if you're gonna have a regular life, there's gonna be moments that suck.
03:42:00.000
But it's gonna suck for every fucking human that's ever born.
03:42:08.000
Seinfeld was on Comedians and Cars, and he had this badass, whatever, Porsche, and it kept breaking down.
03:42:14.000
And the other comic was like, this sucks, doesn't it?
03:42:22.000
And then when you drive it, and when it works, it's great.
03:42:24.000
That's why it's not good to live in L.A., because it's always sunny.
03:42:33.000
The only reality check L.A. has is L.A. has the mountains when it rains.
03:42:37.000
You can see the mountains like, oh, they're right there.
03:42:44.000
There's a few moments that give you a little fucking bitch.
03:42:59.000
He was just on the promenade and got fucked up.
03:43:05.000
Well, it's why the funniest guys are from Boston.
03:43:16.000
Nothing keeps you funny than keeping you in check.
03:43:24.000
I met a Houston comic at Skankfest, and I was like, how's the Houston scene?
03:43:30.000
He goes, the older comics, they don't shit on us anymore.
03:43:38.000
They go, you're great, you're nice, you can't say this, you can't say that.
03:43:55.000
And you need it to recognize, like, what are we doing?
03:44:01.000
And all this other stuff, like what we were talking about before, that criticism is the tragic result of unmet needs.
03:44:12.000
A lot of people that get really mad, like comics that get mad, they're mad because they don't feel where they're supposed to be.
03:44:36.000
And if you didn't get what you wanted, you didn't do it right.
03:44:43.000
And are there people that get what they don't deserve of Maybe initially.
03:44:52.000
I want to make a list of all the comics I was jealous of that are no longer even in stand-up.
03:45:00.000
There's a weird moment at every stage of your life where you see people that are doing better than you and you get angry at them.
03:45:16.000
So what trauma happened where you made you this competitive?
03:45:25.000
We're going to sit here until Kill Tony happens.
03:45:48.000
I don't need a breathalyzer to know that I'm not going to pee.
03:45:58.000
I've had 30. You've had probably more than me, but it doesn't matter.
03:46:09.000
I drink water with liquid IV. I'm very well hydrated.
03:46:34.000
I'm going to send you a video at 3 in the morning when I finally decide to pee.
03:46:39.000
I'm going to hold it in even after we leave here.
03:47:08.000
I don't know about you guys, I'm pretty fucked up.
03:47:15.000
Can I just say, when you were like, hey, let's do another one this date, I was like, no, no, too early.
03:47:50.000
If you wanted to talk to me about whether Fear Factor sucked, I'd probably agree with you.
03:47:58.000
If you had to choose between Fear Factor and Apocalypse now, Fear Factor sucked.
03:48:03.000
Fear Factor or Game of Thrones, Fear Factor sucked.
03:48:14.000
No, if Fear Factor's on when the UFC's on, you're going to tape Fear Factor.
03:48:39.000
I wonder what percentage of celebrities have seen UFOs versus non-celebrities.
03:48:42.000
No, listen, Dave Foley is one of the most legitimately introspective, objective people I've ever met in my life.
03:48:50.000
When Dave Foley talks about things, if you ask him, hey Dave, what do you think about this?
03:48:55.000
He'll go, Hmm, and he'll think about it like legitimately think he'll never give you an off-the-cuff like knee-jerk reaction He's a really thoughtful intelligent person.
03:49:04.000
I agree when he talks about shit He talks about shit.
03:49:08.000
It's like when we were on fear fact or news radio together in like the 90s He thought it was a fucking idiot for believe in UFOs Yeah, because that was like my my gig on the show go to like I was the the the fucking engineer in the show believing conspiracy theories Which is real.
03:49:25.000
Like, at the time, I was 27, and I was just getting on the internet.
03:49:30.000
So I'd get on AOL.com, and I would download all these fucking UFO documents, and I'd bring them to work.
03:49:36.000
I'm like, do you guys understand that they shut down military bases?
03:50:01.000
I don't know anything, but there's no proof of UFOs, so that's why I don't put any stock into it because I'm like, I'll wait until it happens.
03:50:23.000
Where you're like, I want to see, hey, they're here.
03:50:27.000
It just feels like we've got problems here, so I'm not going to think about space.
03:50:35.000
That's a big problem in the U.S. No, I'm just worried about people here, your family, your career, money, whatever.
03:50:45.000
Imagine if you were an aunt and you were living in the Pacific Northwest.
03:50:54.000
Imagine if you're living in the middle of nowhere and you're an aunt and there's no people go there because you're in the fucking deep, deep, deep forest.
03:51:03.000
And some fucking weirdo hippies decide to take a backpacking journey into the fucking mountains, and they step on your anthill.
03:51:21.000
I don't know how the colonies communicate with each other, but they somehow communicate with each other where they can build these ant colonies.
03:51:29.000
Where they have these mounds and inside these mounds there's like super complex, like especially leaf cutter ants, super complex systems where they have like vents where they go up through the fucking forest floor and they have leaves they chop up and they ferment and they release gases through the floor.
03:51:46.000
They fucking somehow or another understand how to do this.
03:51:49.000
And then all of a sudden, and you've never seen a person.
03:51:52.000
And a fucking hippie with Birkenstocks stomps on your fucking anthill, because it doesn't even see it, because it's like looking at its GPS and just wandering around, and all of a sudden it stomps on it.
03:52:04.000
You didn't think that a hippie ever existed, but now you're confronted with the reality that they're real, and they've destroyed your little village that you've built somehow.
03:52:15.000
You're just doing it through scents and firmones.
03:52:18.000
And you're like picking up frequencies that we don't even understand, that are interrupted by cell phone communication, and these fucking ants somehow or another have to deal with the fact that some hippie just stomped on their fucking ant hill inadvertently.
03:52:35.000
There are things out there that have lived a million years longer than us.
03:52:40.000
If you believe what they know right now about the universe, they know That there's more planets and more solar systems and more physical bodies than there are grains of sand on all the beaches and the earth.
03:52:57.000
The odds that one of them wouldn't have been alive two, three, four, five, six, A hundred million years longer than us are very small.
03:53:09.000
And that thing is very similar to the way we would react to it, the way a fucking anthill would react to a hippie stomping on it.
03:53:22.000
They might be here all the time, just like we're here in a podcast studio in Austin while there's ants over in San Antonio that have never been contacted by human beings.
03:53:37.000
And if these fucking dumb pussies show up and ruin that...
03:53:54.000
I bet that's exactly how Australopithecus felt when someone figured out how to make Flint tools.
03:54:02.000
You're fucking up my ability to rip a rat apart with my teeth.
03:54:12.000
Are you guys excited for the Freeman era of Notre Dame college football?
03:54:23.000
I'm just thinking about Notre Dame and Ohio State, dude.