The Joe Rogan Experience - Joe Rogan Experience #1879

00:00:01.000 Joe Rogan Podcast, check it out!

00:00:03.000 The Joe Rogan Experience.

00:00:06.000 Train by day, Joe Rogan Podcast by night, all day!

00:00:12.000 You got some stogies, Bert?

00:00:13.000 I bought cigars.

00:00:14.000 There's nothing better, Artie and I were talking about this, than a cigar and a coffee in the morning.

00:00:18.000 In the morning, yeah.

00:00:19.000 You know what's better, a joint?

00:00:20.000 Uh, we should address that.

00:00:22.000 Yeah, it's a real issue.

00:00:25.000 Not with me, Tom.

00:00:26.000 No, of course not.

00:00:27.000 Dude, I don't have the cravings that Joe has.

00:00:29.000 You gotta see Stanhope in the green room these days.

00:00:34.000 Are we recording?

00:00:35.000 Are you not having any drinking cravings?

00:00:40.000 Why are you saying Stanhope?

00:00:40.000 Because I smoked a cigarette?

00:00:42.000 I smoked one yesterday.

00:00:45.000 You breathed it down in one gulp.

00:00:47.000 No, no, no.

00:00:48.000 I didn't even smoke the whole thing.

00:00:49.000 If Camel Cigarettes could do an ad of you sucking down a cigarette...

00:00:52.000 I would sniff paint.

00:00:55.000 I would spray paint into a paper bag to get a little bit of a buzz before I go on stage.

00:01:03.000 I was just trying to find something.

00:01:05.000 Give me something.

00:01:06.000 Give me a buzz.

00:01:07.000 Give me a buzz.

00:01:09.000 I fucking hold my breath, stand on my head.

00:01:13.000 That feels good.

00:01:15.000 That feels good.

00:01:17.000 I'm telling you.

00:01:19.000 I stood up too fast the other day and it felt good.

00:01:21.000 It does feel good.

00:01:21.000 Do what?

00:01:22.000 I stood up too fast and it felt good.

00:01:24.000 You know what I really feel with the weed?

00:01:26.000 Riding.

00:01:26.000 When I sit down to write.

00:01:27.000 When I don't have weed and I just sit down to write, it's like I'm riding with weights on.

00:01:32.000 Yeah.

00:01:32.000 You know, it's like running.

00:01:33.000 Running with a weight vest on.

00:01:35.000 It's like, oh.

00:01:36.000 With weed, I just can get into it.

00:01:38.000 I just get into my head and I just find ideas.

00:01:41.000 Just run.

00:01:41.000 Yeah.

00:01:42.000 I like being on stage.

00:01:44.000 Last night was fun.

00:01:45.000 I was stone sober.

00:01:47.000 Last night was fun, though.

00:01:50.000 That was a great crowd.

00:01:53.000 I took one chance to a couple to the far right, older dude, and I didn't see his chick.

00:01:59.000 She was against the wall.

00:02:00.000 And I was making a joke about Leanne being old.

00:02:03.000 And I looked over and I saw his chick and she was his age.

00:02:06.000 And I went, oh shit, your chick's old.

00:02:09.000 But then I said, age appropriate.

00:02:12.000 And then she was like, yeah.

00:02:15.000 Because Liam, the biggest thing is when you upgrade.

00:02:19.000 Upgrade your down age.

00:02:20.000 When you down age.

00:02:21.000 We had a buddy.

00:02:22.000 We had a buddy upgrade.

00:02:24.000 Women get angry at that.

00:02:26.000 We get angry at anyone else doing it.

00:02:28.000 Isn't it interesting that guys don't give a fuck?

00:02:30.000 Like, if a woman is getting divorced and then she starts fucking her personal trainer and he's like 32, no one cares.

00:02:37.000 46 year old woman, 30 year old personal trainer, no one cares.

00:02:40.000 No one cares at all.

00:02:41.000 Yeah, if she's single and doing it.

00:02:43.000 Yeah, good for her.

00:02:44.000 Look, she's got a hot young guy.

00:02:45.000 Women are constantly threatened by youth, though.

00:02:48.000 That's what they're threatened by.

00:02:49.000 Men are threatened by a bigger guy.

00:02:54.000 Like, you know, a stronger, bigger version of them.

00:02:56.000 That's the threat.

00:02:57.000 And that's a money thing, too.

00:02:58.000 Money, too.

00:02:59.000 Status.

00:02:59.000 Yeah, money is a big one that angers men.

00:03:02.000 Like, when a woman leaves a man for a rich man, that one is inferior.

00:03:06.000 Because that seems like the one that's not a goddamn thing you can do about it.

00:03:09.000 You can't do anything about it.

00:03:10.000 The same reason the woman can't do anything.

00:03:12.000 If you go, my new chick's 24. She can't do anything about it.

00:03:17.000 Yeah, if you have a girl leave you for a college senior, it's like, alright.

00:03:25.000 I'm sorry you left me, but that's fine.

00:03:27.000 I would think it's funny.

00:03:31.000 Here's the thing, that college senior would not be a threat to your status.

00:03:38.000 He for sure would be a poorer person.

00:03:41.000 Right, right, right.

00:03:44.000 But if he's like some fucking young stud linebacker and he's just sending it in every night, boom, boom, boom.

00:03:49.000 But you'd still be like, did he get his allowance this week to take you out?

00:03:52.000 He's in college.

00:03:54.000 Here's the deal.

00:03:54.000 Women and men accrue interest differently.

00:03:59.000 Yeah.

00:04:00.000 So like women are like fucking high-end IPOs like out the gate.

00:04:05.000 Right.

00:04:05.000 And men are penny stocks.

00:04:07.000 Yeah.

00:04:07.000 And then they invest, like they kind of like, like a hedge fund, they look at these penny stocks like, you were a hardcore penny stock.

00:04:14.000 But you were.

00:04:15.000 I remember you were gaining weight and you were fucking like, you were like, and your material's questionable.

00:04:20.000 It's like, come on!

00:04:22.000 Jesus Christ!

00:04:23.000 But I've known him so long that when Christina signed up for him, that was a risky investment.

00:04:31.000 It was.

00:04:32.000 There was no promise of success with Tom in podcasting.

00:04:35.000 Back then it was just TV and movies.

00:04:37.000 She had already been on TV. She had already had some success.

00:04:40.000 She was transitioning into stand-up pretty quick, getting writing jobs.

00:04:42.000 She was making the money and Tom's featuring.

00:04:44.000 All of a sudden, your stock fucking goes public.

00:04:48.000 Netflix special.

00:04:49.000 Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom.

00:04:51.000 And then, in a weird way, same thing with me, dude.

00:04:53.000 I was a rescue dog.

00:04:55.000 I feel like this whole analogy was just for me as a Jew.

00:05:00.000 But then as that happens, and this sounds shitty, but women start aging, and then their stock starts declining, and then all of a sudden it splits, and it splits and splits.

00:05:08.000 And you watch this penny stock keep fucking rising, and some dudes go, what the fuck am I doing with this bullshit stock option?

00:05:16.000 I'm going to sell out and get brand new fucking stocks.

00:05:18.000 Very interesting analogy.

00:05:20.000 Did you ever see that guy, the woman who put out, like, I'm looking for a millionaire?

00:05:23.000 You remember that guy?

00:05:24.000 I'm looking for a millionaire to, like, make me your wife?

00:05:27.000 No.

00:05:28.000 It sounds familiar.

00:05:29.000 You say a guy or a woman?

00:05:30.000 A woman said it.

00:05:31.000 And then some economist was like, let me tell you about the laws of diminishing returns.

00:05:35.000 And he broke down why it's a bad investment for any millionaire to take you in.

00:05:40.000 You gotta look it up.

00:05:42.000 It's just like, great.

00:05:42.000 It's like, your value is decreasing as their value increases.

00:05:47.000 But it increases if you're in love with the person, it increases.

00:05:50.000 It stays.

00:05:51.000 I'll always joke about Leanne being older than me and old as fuck and looking very old and all that shit.

00:05:56.000 Jesus Christ!

00:05:57.000 I think she's lovely.

00:05:59.000 Every week.

00:05:59.000 Every fucking week.

00:06:00.000 But a guy who loves his wife does that.

00:06:02.000 A guy who doesn't love his wife doesn't say a fucking word and just upgrades one day.

00:06:06.000 Just out of nowhere goes, see ya, bitch!

00:06:09.000 A guy who loves his wife calls her old?

00:06:11.000 Yeah.

00:06:11.000 Yeah, he's like, she looks like an old wallet.

00:06:13.000 I told her one time.

00:06:13.000 Jesus Christ.

00:06:15.000 When we met that dude who upgraded, fucking left his chick.

00:06:19.000 They weren't even married.

00:06:21.000 Common law.

00:06:22.000 Two kids, great kids.

00:06:24.000 She was a smoke show back in the day.

00:06:26.000 She was a smoke show back in the day.

00:06:27.000 Now, very attractive 54-year-old woman.

00:06:30.000 I mean, you know, 54, but very attractive.

00:06:32.000 Upgrades to like, I think, 27, 33, somewhere around there.

00:06:36.000 The women were living, and then that night in bed, me and Leanne are there, and I go, I wonder what I could get these days.

00:06:40.000 I wonder what my value is.

00:06:42.000 Is that in front of your wife?

00:06:44.000 Yeah, well, that's...

00:06:44.000 In front of her, to her.

00:06:46.000 That's correct.

00:06:46.000 You would get some girl that gets your ATM number, and she'd be drawing money out of your bank account every day.

00:06:52.000 That's what Leanne said, Leanne.

00:06:54.000 I'd like to see you try.

00:06:55.000 And I was like, ooh, angry.

00:06:58.000 I'm angry.

00:06:59.000 Challenge.

00:07:00.000 Challenge issued.

00:07:01.000 That's the, you know, you're kind of curious.

00:07:03.000 I would love to get a Tinder profile just to be like, see what I can do.

00:07:07.000 You'd get some hits, man.

00:07:09.000 Can we operate your Tinder profile for a while?

00:07:12.000 I would go right to Grindr.

00:07:14.000 I'd point that bitch right over.

00:07:16.000 That's where you're gonna get big numbers.

00:07:18.000 I had a Grindr account for him.

00:07:22.000 Yeah, really?

00:07:23.000 We started fucking with each other.

00:07:24.000 I opened a Grindr account for him.

00:07:28.000 And people would hit me up and I'd be like, I'd be like, oh, that's so cool.

00:07:31.000 I can't make it today.

00:07:32.000 But why don't you come see me perform at the Comedy Store?

00:07:38.000 A bunch of little twinks sitting there.

00:07:40.000 Wait, are you missing drinking at all?

00:07:42.000 No.

00:07:42.000 Not at all?

00:07:43.000 Not at all.

00:07:43.000 Good for you.

00:07:44.000 Zero.

00:07:45.000 Well, tell us about the health stuff, like you were talking about last night.

00:07:48.000 I should have some nicotine when I do this.

00:07:50.000 Yeah, let's fire up them stogies.

00:07:51.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:07:52.000 You were talking about...

00:07:52.000 What do you got?

00:07:53.000 Jaime Garcia's are the best.

00:07:54.000 Whatever you want.

00:07:55.000 We got a bunch here, too, if you want those.

00:07:56.000 These Jaime Garcia's are fucking...

00:07:58.000 Try one of those.

00:07:59.000 Jaime Garcia's?

00:08:00.000 Jaime.

00:08:01.000 By the guys who do my father's cigar.

00:08:03.000 I like a big ring gauge.

00:08:05.000 I like a strong smoke.

00:08:06.000 Our boy Nick from Foundation Cigars was telling me that there might be some sort of an embargo in Nicaragua.

00:08:11.000 He's fucking terrifying.

00:08:12.000 No, really?

00:08:13.000 Yeah, I mean, there's some shit going down, apparently.

00:08:16.000 Oh, I got to talk to you.

00:08:17.000 I went to the plantation.

00:08:18.000 Oh, did you?

00:08:19.000 The one in Connecticut?

00:08:20.000 Yeah.

00:08:20.000 How was it?

00:08:21.000 It was so cool.

00:08:22.000 We saw them curing the stuff.

00:08:25.000 There's a difference when you hang out with dudes that know cigars, like Bobby Kelly knows cigars.

00:08:29.000 Sure, knows cigars.

00:08:30.000 He introduced me to Tatuaje, which is one of my favorite cigars.

00:08:34.000 And it's almost like you hang out with someone who, like, it's like hanging out with a grown-up all of a sudden, but you're the same age.

00:08:42.000 Bobby's turned me on to so many good cigars.

00:08:44.000 Hanging out with a grown-up beer the same age.

00:08:45.000 What do you mean?

00:08:45.000 Because he knows his shit.

00:08:46.000 He's a man.

00:08:47.000 He's an actual man instead of this.

00:08:49.000 See, me, I don't know cigars and I don't know wine.

00:08:53.000 I like it, but I'm like, I have no time in my head to become a wine connoisseur.

00:08:58.000 All you gotta know about cigars is $13.

00:09:02.000 You just go, what's around $13 and you'll get a good cigar.

00:09:05.000 It's maybe my funnest thing of going into a cigar shop is getting into the humidor with the owner and being like, hey man, tell me what I want.

00:09:11.000 I'll tell you what I like.

00:09:12.000 I like something that kind of knocks me off my ass a little bit.

00:09:16.000 I like something a little stronger, but I'm a ring gauge whore.

00:09:18.000 I like a big, sometimes too big feels like a cock.

00:09:23.000 Dude, I went to Cigar Lounge with this guy, Reggie Conquist, black guy, comic, and I was like, it's his first cigar, get him something, and he goes, do you want something flavored?

00:09:31.000 I was like, no!

00:09:35.000 Flavored.

00:09:37.000 Flavored.

00:09:38.000 Some strawberry cigar.

00:09:40.000 Black dude's always like, that's your raspberry?

00:09:42.000 And you're like, yeah.

00:09:45.000 Flavored.

00:09:47.000 Flavored cigars, that's so gross.

00:09:50.000 Yeah, like, I know what I like in terms of...

00:09:52.000 There's another lighter here, too.

00:09:54.000 I know what I like in terms of, like, a good wine.

00:09:57.000 Like, I take pictures of wines.

00:09:59.000 Me, too.

00:10:00.000 Yeah, there's a good app.

00:10:01.000 I think it's called...

00:10:03.000 Dude, I take pictures of wine and send it to Matt.

00:10:06.000 Matt Staggs?

00:10:07.000 You're Matt.

00:10:08.000 Oh yeah?

00:10:09.000 He's into wine?

00:10:10.000 Yeah, my business manager is a legitimate connoisseur.

00:10:15.000 And he has like half a million dollars worth of wine in his house, at least.

00:10:19.000 Probably more than that.

00:10:19.000 I know that about him, so I'll send him on.

00:10:21.000 I'll be like, this is good.

00:10:22.000 He'll write, no shit.

00:10:26.000 It's called Vivino.

00:10:28.000 So there's an app.

00:10:29.000 What kind of response is that?

00:10:31.000 Can you imagine somebody going, hey, I just saw, you know, Burt Gresh is really funny, but yeah, no fuck.

00:10:36.000 So with this app, it's called Vivino.

00:10:39.000 So you take a photo of the label, and then you could order it right from the app.

00:10:45.000 It's great.

00:10:46.000 Tony and I were eating at this steak restaurant.

00:10:48.000 We're drinking this really good Cabernet.

00:10:50.000 We're like, God damn, this is great wine.

00:10:52.000 This is the best wine I've ever had.

00:10:53.000 It's just really good.

00:10:55.000 And he goes, have you heard about Vivino?

00:10:57.000 I go, what's that?

00:10:57.000 He goes, we could order this wine right now.

00:10:59.000 I go, how?

00:11:00.000 That is brilliant.

00:11:00.000 He took a photo of it, and then it shows you.

00:11:02.000 It's like, oh, and then it pulls it up.

00:11:04.000 Would you like to buy a case?

00:11:05.000 Like, yeah.

00:11:05.000 That's brilliant.

00:11:06.000 It just sends it to your house.

00:11:07.000 We got back from the road on Tuesday.

00:11:09.000 I had a case of wine at my house.

00:11:10.000 Wow.

00:11:11.000 That sounds great.

00:11:12.000 Vivino.

00:11:13.000 Yeah, Vivino.

00:11:13.000 Yeah, because I take pictures of them all the time, but then I realize I don't do anything.

00:11:16.000 Exactly.

00:11:16.000 I forget to look them up.

00:11:17.000 I forget.

00:11:18.000 You're like, if I see this, I'll get it, but you're not going to remember.

00:11:20.000 Never.

00:11:21.000 So then, okay, let's talk about man shit.

00:11:22.000 Do you know the difference between dry aged and wet aged?

00:11:25.000 Yes.

00:11:25.000 Okay, I don't.

00:11:26.000 Wine or cigars?

00:11:27.000 Meat.

00:11:28.000 Yeah, dry aged is done in a large, usually like a cooler, and they have a fan that circulates the air.

00:11:35.000 For longer, too, right?

00:11:36.000 Yeah.

00:11:36.000 Usually.

00:11:38.000 Well, Adam Perry Lang, I became friends with him, and he had APL, which went under because of the fucking pandemic in LA. It was one of the best steakhouses.

00:11:46.000 It was amazing.

00:11:47.000 And he would dry-age his meat for a year.

00:11:49.000 Wow.

00:11:49.000 Did you ever eat there with him?

00:11:51.000 No.

00:11:51.000 It was amazing.

00:11:53.000 A year?

00:11:54.000 Oh, my God.

00:11:54.000 He was taking all these experiments in dry-aging, and he would do, like, your 60-day dry-age, your 90-day dry-age, but he's like, you've got to try this stuff.

00:12:02.000 It's, like, 365-day dry-aged, like, So it's got to be like muskier.

00:12:08.000 Like a nutty, weird taste.

00:12:10.000 Not my favorite.

00:12:12.000 It's not like I wouldn't want to have like a 16 ounce T-bone like that.

00:12:16.000 But for a small piece, it was just really interesting.

00:12:21.000 It's like a piece of foie gras or something.

00:12:22.000 Almost like liver.

00:12:23.000 But not even liver.

00:12:24.000 It's just like it's its own thing.

00:12:26.000 I just had raw liver.

00:12:28.000 He had raw liver?

00:12:29.000 Yeah, with the liver king.

00:12:30.000 Why would you do that?

00:12:31.000 I don't know.

00:12:32.000 With him?

00:12:32.000 Yeah, he came to my house.

00:12:34.000 Did you guys podcast?

00:12:35.000 We did a podcast.

00:12:36.000 The liver king.

00:12:36.000 You'd be shocked how much we haven't caught it.

00:12:38.000 Oh, I believe you're both delusional.

00:12:40.000 We don't brush our teeth.

00:12:42.000 Are you getting ab implants?

00:12:44.000 He loves livers and yours is failing.

00:12:46.000 Did you ask him if he has ab implants?

00:12:48.000 Yeah, he said it was a joke.

00:12:49.000 He said he doesn't have them.

00:12:51.000 He's fucking jacked.

00:12:53.000 Says he's clean, too.

00:12:54.000 I asked him for steroids.

00:12:55.000 Not true.

00:12:56.000 Well, the podcast comes out on BirdCast.

00:12:58.000 Everyone check it out.

00:12:59.000 Tell you that right now.

00:13:00.000 Test that guy.

00:13:01.000 No.

00:13:02.000 Well, here's my takeaway.

00:13:03.000 There's a lot of self-help gurus these days than there ever has been in history.

00:13:11.000 When I was a kid, it was Tony Robbins.

00:13:13.000 That was it.

00:13:13.000 Yeah.

00:13:14.000 Oh, yeah.

00:13:14.000 That's true.

00:13:15.000 And still doing it, too, which is wild.

00:13:19.000 Tony Robbins.

00:13:19.000 Still doing it.

00:13:20.000 Still doing it, dude.

00:13:22.000 Selling out huge places.

00:13:23.000 You know who's good friends with him?

00:13:24.000 Jesse May.

00:13:25.000 Jesse Mae Peluso?

00:13:26.000 Really?

00:13:27.000 She's good friends with Tony.

00:13:28.000 I'd go to one of his things.

00:13:29.000 I'd go to one of his things.

00:13:30.000 Yeah, Dana White's good friends with Tony.

00:13:31.000 He's gotta be good at what he does.

00:13:33.000 Oh, he's great at it!

00:13:34.000 He's fucking great at it!

00:13:35.000 Put a pin in Dana White.

00:13:37.000 I want to talk about him today.

00:13:38.000 Alright, we'll put a pin in it.

00:13:39.000 But when I was 21 years old, when I was first starting to do stand-up, I got Unlimited Power, which is one of his books.

00:13:45.000 And it had like audio cassettes.

00:13:48.000 He would listen to his audio cassettes.

00:13:50.000 And I was living in Revere, Massachusetts with this shitty apartment.

00:13:53.000 And I was writing things down and reading his book and trying to motivate myself and fucking get ahead in life.

00:13:59.000 He's got legit points.

00:14:02.000 He's done a good job of curating really good inspirational ideas.

00:14:05.000 Interesting.

00:14:06.000 We all did his birthday show once in Hollywood somewhere.

00:14:09.000 Comedy show?

00:14:10.000 Mm-hmm.

00:14:11.000 He just had a bunch of comedians.

00:14:12.000 He came to the comedy store and he was like, all those guys I liked, just hire him.

00:14:15.000 Gave us each 75 bucks.

00:14:16.000 It was really cool.

00:14:17.000 And then Jeff Richards was like, no, I'm getting 1,500.

00:14:20.000 Like, how'd you get $1,500?

00:14:21.000 He goes, huh?

00:14:22.000 They said $75.

00:14:23.000 I go, how about $1,500?

00:14:24.000 And they go, yeah, sure, whatever.

00:14:26.000 You know, Tony Robbins respects that.

00:14:27.000 Jesus Christ.

00:14:29.000 That's a great negotiation.

00:14:30.000 That's a giant.

00:14:31.000 What about $5,000?

00:14:32.000 What about $10,000?

00:14:34.000 Well, Anthony Robbins, he's rich as fuck.

00:14:36.000 So rich.

00:14:37.000 Yeah, I mean, that guy's been selling inspiration for 40 years.

00:14:40.000 That's wild.

00:14:40.000 You ever see the video of him going to, he has a house in Bali, and him making all his servants sing to him?

00:14:46.000 No.

00:14:47.000 That's fucking hilarious.

00:14:49.000 What?

00:14:50.000 Sing to him?

00:14:50.000 He makes them sing to him?

00:14:51.000 That's fucking one of my favorites.

00:14:52.000 Like, how does he make them?

00:14:53.000 Like, sing to me!

00:14:56.000 Did he catch the whip out?

00:14:59.000 I'm sure he would never see this.

00:15:01.000 It's a video he goes to his place.

00:15:03.000 I'm sure he would have a different version of this story.

00:15:05.000 If you saw it, you can see the look in the gardener's face.

00:15:08.000 He makes everyone stop working, and then they all do a traditional Bali chant.

00:15:12.000 And you can see they're just like, oh, fucking...

00:15:14.000 Okay, here we go.

00:15:15.000 Oh boy.

00:15:16.000 White guy wants us to sing.

00:15:19.000 And also be on film.

00:15:21.000 And also be on film.

00:15:22.000 And also be on the internet, right?

00:15:25.000 Is this it?

00:15:26.000 It's got to be the video where he's like...

00:15:27.000 I could see that he still kind of had like a kid's approach to the whole thing.

00:15:33.000 Are we on time?

00:15:34.000 Am I late?

00:15:35.000 They had to catch a flight to Australia.

00:15:37.000 He's a big motherfucker.

00:15:38.000 He's got legit giantism.

00:15:40.000 A group of people who worked at Namale had formed a semicircle to sing a traditional Fiji farewell song.

00:15:49.000 That dude with glasses is not here.

00:15:51.000 I'm so sorry, but I look forward to coming back home to see all the family again.

00:15:55.000 It's been a beautiful, beautiful trip.

00:16:01.000 It's the day!

00:16:03.000 It's the day!

00:16:08.000 He's got a staff like he's in a resort.

00:16:10.000 He is in a resort.

00:16:11.000 This is a resort.

00:16:12.000 It's his resort?

00:16:13.000 It's his place.

00:16:14.000 Totally.

00:16:14.000 He's not for everyone.

00:16:16.000 There are plenty of- It's not for you, bro.

00:16:18.000 And that's why you're not successful, motherfucker.

00:16:20.000 That guy needs to do squats.

00:16:21.000 That guy's my favorite.

00:16:23.000 Saint Bernard's son in the back.

00:16:24.000 He needs to...

00:16:25.000 So this is his staff for his home?

00:16:29.000 Oh, yeah.

00:16:29.000 Look at his shirt.

00:16:30.000 It's the Anthony Bourdain Resort.

00:16:32.000 Wow!

00:16:33.000 So he's got a resort that you could visit?

00:16:36.000 You mean Robins?

00:16:37.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:16:39.000 All them Anthony's, you know how it is.

00:16:41.000 I was like, yeah, what?

00:16:41.000 Those Anthony's are all the same to me.

00:16:44.000 Yeah, he's got giantism, you know?

00:16:46.000 Yeah, for real?

00:16:47.000 I think he's got like a pituitary gland issue.

00:16:49.000 He's an enormous man.

00:16:51.000 Bert, you have that.

00:16:53.000 Pituitaryism?

00:16:54.000 I wish.

00:16:55.000 There's a few people there that are unenthusiastically clapping in that chain.

00:16:58.000 It's my favorite video.

00:16:59.000 Let's go.

00:17:00.000 I want to go back.

00:17:01.000 I want to go back because we glossed over that we came back.

00:17:03.000 When we were in the green room, you were talking about your blood pressure.

00:17:07.000 You were talking about your inflammation and how good you feel just five days off of booze.

00:17:12.000 What a difference it's made.

00:17:13.000 Yeah, I feel phenomenal.

00:17:14.000 My blood pressure dropped immediately into perfect blood pressure.

00:17:19.000 Like, it's 140 over 90. If I'm partying hard, and then two days after drinking, it's 120 over 70. Two days?

00:17:29.000 Yeah.

00:17:30.000 And my blood pressure drops.

00:17:31.000 I mean, my stomach, my stomach starts making noises, like really aggressive.

00:17:37.000 Didn't it inflame at first?

00:17:38.000 Yeah, it super inflamed, and then it just starts going, hmmm.

00:17:45.000 Dude, that's pretty fucking good.

00:17:47.000 That's a good impression of whatever the fuck was happening.

00:17:50.000 I mean, that's another level.

00:17:52.000 I was farting so aggressively the first day not drinking.

00:17:55.000 I was at the store, and I was trying to have a conversation with someone about disc golf, and I had my ass in the main room towards the bathroom, and I was ripping farts that were just coming.

00:18:06.000 I think my inflammation is so bad, it kind of blocks up my stomach.

00:18:10.000 And I was gassy as fucking shit.

00:18:13.000 But I don't think you account for how much you, like, when you drink normal Burt drinking, which is a lot, you also eat crazy.

00:18:19.000 You eat crazy.

00:18:20.000 I eat wild.

00:18:21.000 I don't eat bad.

00:18:22.000 Last night, I grabbed those tacos and the bell pepper, brought it home, and I went, I don't want this.

00:18:26.000 Bullshit.

00:18:28.000 I gave it to John Manns and my assistant Peter.

00:18:30.000 That was an aggressive bullshit, Ari.

00:18:32.000 You want to call him right now?

00:18:34.000 I don't believe you.

00:18:35.000 I don't believe you, then.

00:18:36.000 Wow, this is aggressive.

00:18:38.000 But wait, so don't you think both?

00:18:40.000 Literally multiple homeless people said, hey, are you eating that food?

00:18:43.000 And you go, yeah, I took it to eat it.

00:18:44.000 Yeah, I wanted to, but I got home and I went, hold on.

00:18:46.000 So you were walking around and homeless people were asking you for your food?

00:18:49.000 Yeah, you had a to-go box.

00:18:50.000 Welcome to Austin, Joe.

00:18:53.000 Where are you walking where homeless people are asking for your food?

00:18:55.000 From the Vulcan.

00:18:56.000 From the Vulcan.

00:18:57.000 So you walked all the way to...

00:18:59.000 No, no.

00:18:59.000 I just walked outside the Vulcan and there was a plethora of homeless people going, hey, can I get that food from you?

00:19:05.000 Is that a doggy bag?

00:19:06.000 Can I have it?

00:19:06.000 Why don't you just give them the food then?

00:19:08.000 And he took it to eat it.

00:19:09.000 Well, at first I took it because I hadn't eaten all day.

00:19:12.000 Right.

00:19:13.000 Then you brought it back and you decided not to eat it.

00:19:15.000 I got home...

00:19:16.000 Here's one of the things that happened a little bit when I got this full metabolic blood panel, full comprehensive concierge doctor visit.

00:19:26.000 And the guy said, we were talking about changing my lifestyle.

00:19:32.000 And there was a period of time, Tom knows this, where I was throwing up while I slept and breathing it into my lungs.

00:19:37.000 It's called aspirating.

00:19:38.000 And it was giving me hardcore acid reflux.

00:19:44.000 And I went to the doctor and the doctor said, listen man, this is going to affect your career.

00:19:48.000 You're not going to be able to talk.

00:19:49.000 I was losing my voice like crazy.

00:19:51.000 He goes, you've got to stop eating before you go to bed.

00:19:54.000 And I stopped entirely.

00:19:55.000 I stopped eating before I went to bed.

00:19:57.000 Because I saw direct reflection in my career, I could do it.

00:20:02.000 And so this other doctor, he's like, you need to lose weight.

00:20:05.000 And he's like, here's why I think you can do that.

00:20:07.000 Because you did it with the eating before you went to bed, so you can change your lifestyle.

00:20:10.000 It's possible.

00:20:12.000 So last night when I went home, I brought the food, because that's my impulse.

00:20:15.000 Set it down.

00:20:16.000 Called Manz and Peter.

00:20:17.000 They came up to my room.

00:20:18.000 They ate it.

00:20:19.000 And I went, I'll be throwing this up in my throat all fucking night.

00:20:22.000 All night I won't sleep.

00:20:23.000 I won't feel rested.

00:20:24.000 I'll go into the podcast feeling like shit.

00:20:25.000 I didn't eat any of it.

00:20:27.000 I didn't eat any of it.

00:20:28.000 Good for you.

00:20:28.000 Yeah.

00:20:30.000 It's a great story.

00:20:32.000 Do you want to call it bullshit?

00:20:34.000 No, he just says the story sucked.

00:20:37.000 No, no.

00:20:37.000 I meant it's a tall tale.

00:20:40.000 So, I couldn't even tell you what was in the tacos.

00:20:44.000 Couldn't even tell you.

00:20:44.000 Those tacos are good.

00:20:46.000 That's CM Smokehouse.

00:20:47.000 We're six days in.

00:20:48.000 Couldn't be in there.

00:20:49.000 Have you already weighed differently?

00:20:51.000 I lost like eight pounds.

00:20:53.000 How's your tits and your arms?

00:20:55.000 Ari could barely hold the mic last night.

00:20:56.000 Oh, I'm fine.

00:20:57.000 I have to keep switching arms from the push-ups.

00:20:58.000 I can't hold a phone to my head for like two minutes.

00:21:01.000 I have to switch arms.

00:21:02.000 I'm dead.

00:21:03.000 I look amazing.

00:21:05.000 Do you do?

00:21:05.000 I'll show you a picture right now.

00:21:07.000 Right now?

00:21:07.000 I'm looking at you.

00:21:08.000 No, no, no.

00:21:09.000 Shirtless.

00:21:09.000 What the fuck are you saying?

00:21:11.000 Shirtless.

00:21:11.000 Shirtless?

00:21:12.000 I took this picture.

00:21:13.000 I sent you a picture of me shirtless.

00:21:14.000 Shut the fuck up.

00:21:15.000 Your picture was, I opened it on the plane.

00:21:17.000 Your picture was unreal.

00:21:18.000 And it's unreal.

00:21:20.000 Like, I wanted to leak it.

00:21:21.000 Yeah, I'm on testosterone.

00:21:23.000 Unlike the liver king, I'll tell you the truth.

00:21:26.000 The...

00:21:26.000 Be honest.

00:21:27.000 Be honest.

00:21:28.000 Is that a good picture?

00:21:31.000 I'll say no and I didn't even look at it.

00:21:33.000 Not bad.

00:21:34.000 You got a good cock.

00:21:36.000 My shoulders and chest, though, not bad, right?

00:21:38.000 Yeah, but your cock is a good, solid cock.

00:21:40.000 Thank you, thank you.

00:21:40.000 Especially limp.

00:21:41.000 Yeah, thank you.

00:21:42.000 Well, I fluffed it.

00:21:43.000 I fluffed it.

00:21:44.000 Did you fluff a little?

00:21:44.000 I fluffed it.

00:21:45.000 I got it hard.

00:21:46.000 It hangs.

00:21:47.000 I walked by the mirror and I was like, I look good.

00:21:49.000 I was like, I'm going to take a picture.

00:21:51.000 I'll fluff myself alone in a hotel room to walk by the mirror just to see myself.

00:21:56.000 Just to see your max potential?

00:21:58.000 No, just to feel like, oh, that's normal.

00:22:00.000 You ever put a rubber band around your dick and balls, like the whole thing?

00:22:03.000 Sure, yeah.

00:22:04.000 Just to keep it all together in a package and just fucking keep that blood in there?

00:22:08.000 They used to have Speedos that had cock rings in them that would shove your shit up front and you look awesome.

00:22:16.000 Jesus, no.

00:22:17.000 What the fuck was that?

00:22:18.000 He almost aspirated.

00:22:21.000 So you go to this concierge service, you get all this blood panel done.

00:22:26.000 Yeah.

00:22:26.000 And what is the guy, what kind of advice is he giving you?

00:22:29.000 Well, first of all, he thought I was a liar.

00:22:31.000 Like, when we sat down, he was like, much like Ari.

00:22:33.000 He goes, how much you drink, you're honest.

00:22:35.000 I tell him everything.

00:22:36.000 And he goes, don't work out.

00:22:37.000 And I said, excuse me?

00:22:38.000 He goes, do not work out.

00:22:40.000 I don't want you in a gym.

00:22:41.000 I don't want you doing anything.

00:22:43.000 He goes, you are high risk to literally have a stroke, a heart attack, and I went, actually, and by the way, we did quartered artery scans on my neck, did calcium.

00:22:54.000 EKG and everything.

00:22:54.000 Everything.

00:22:55.000 Did everything.

00:22:56.000 And he's like, and we haven't gotten the results yet, and I said, I actually go to a cardiologist every six months.

00:23:01.000 I work out pretty fucking hard.

00:23:03.000 I'm not going to stop working out.

00:23:04.000 It's kind of my thing is I wake up, I party, and then I wake up, and then I work out hard as fuck.

00:23:08.000 I think I'm fine.

00:23:09.000 He goes, trust me, What you're telling me, if you work out, you'll have a stroke and you're going to die.

00:23:14.000 Actually, he's probably telling you that because most people would.

00:23:17.000 But is he telling you it's based on the volume of alcohol?

00:23:20.000 Based on just a conversation, an interview of like, how much do you drink, my weight.

00:23:27.000 Most people who would drink, like he drinks, would not be active.

00:23:30.000 And so I told him, I said, hey man, I'm not going to change anything.

00:23:34.000 If you want to have that conversation, when we get my blood work back and all my tests, that's fine.

00:23:39.000 I said I don't think you're going to find any blockage anywhere because I've already had all these.

00:23:42.000 I'm already on medication.

00:23:43.000 I'm on blood thinners.

00:23:44.000 I think I'm going to be fine.

00:23:45.000 I'm going to continue to work out.

00:23:48.000 I'll scale it back a titch.

00:23:49.000 A titch?

00:23:51.000 Usually I go until I work out pretty fucking hard.

00:23:55.000 Yeah, I worked out with you on a gym.

00:23:57.000 You do.

00:23:57.000 You get after it.

00:23:58.000 And so...

00:24:00.000 Blood work comes back like two days later, three days later, and he's like, I don't know what to tell you.

00:24:04.000 He's like, none of it makes sense.

00:24:06.000 He's like, you have no blockage.

00:24:08.000 From what you're telling me, either you're lying to me, He's got a test for the mantle gene.

00:24:12.000 Well, I think you're a very unusual specimen.

00:24:15.000 And Tom and I were talking about this.

00:24:17.000 If you didn't drink and party and you just worked out all the time, I think you'd be a freak athlete.

00:24:22.000 I really do.

00:24:23.000 I really do.

00:24:24.000 I think you're one of those guys that if you just didn't party at all and hit the gym and trained your whole life, you'd be a fucking freak.

00:24:33.000 I really think that.

00:24:35.000 I don't disagree.

00:24:36.000 Yeah.

00:24:36.000 I really enjoy working out.

00:24:40.000 I do enjoy it and I work out really hard.

00:24:43.000 Working out sober hard, I don't think I've ever worked out this hard sober with direction.

00:24:48.000 You get drunk and then work out?

00:24:51.000 I have, yeah.

00:24:51.000 Wow.

00:24:52.000 He drinks wine on the treadmill.

00:24:54.000 It's my favorite thing in the world.

00:24:56.000 Have you ever done it?

00:24:57.000 It's so much fun.

00:24:57.000 No.

00:24:57.000 No one's done it.

00:24:58.000 Oh, it's the fucking best.

00:24:59.000 No.

00:24:59.000 Oh, it's the best.

00:25:00.000 I like to get high and work out, though.

00:25:02.000 Yeah.

00:25:02.000 Oh, my God.

00:25:02.000 I like to get really high.

00:25:04.000 Like, so high, I'm scared of life.

00:25:05.000 High and shoot hoops is fun.

00:25:07.000 High and play pool is the best.

00:25:09.000 Just get high.

00:25:09.000 You know where the ball's going.

00:25:10.000 Like, you feel it more.

00:25:12.000 High and poker, I see through people.

00:25:14.000 Oh, that's interesting.

00:25:15.000 You see the lies.

00:25:17.000 Yeah, I just know what everybody's holding.

00:25:19.000 It's great.

00:25:20.000 Wow.

00:25:21.000 Edibles or smoking?

00:25:23.000 Weed.

00:25:23.000 And then every break, you've got to run back to your car, smoke a bunch, and come back.

00:25:26.000 Get more power.

00:25:27.000 Get more power.

00:25:29.000 But that's why I was saying edibles.

00:25:30.000 Would edibles give you the same result?

00:25:32.000 I don't know.

00:25:32.000 It might be too crazy.

00:25:33.000 Sir, it's your turn to play.

00:25:36.000 I can't handle truth.

00:25:39.000 But getting high and lifting weights, man, you just fucking, you feel like every fiber of your muscles, like when you're doing chin-ups when you're high, it's like you feel like...

00:25:47.000 You feel it all.

00:25:50.000 You feel like all the fibers working together.

00:25:54.000 Like stretching when you're high.

00:25:55.000 It's like...

00:25:56.000 Everything's like...

00:25:58.000 So yoga would be dope.

00:26:00.000 Yoga is amazing high.

00:26:02.000 I bet yoga high would be fucking hot.

00:26:04.000 Yoga is amazing high.

00:26:05.000 Yeah.

00:26:06.000 Well, in India, a lot of the yogis, they smoke chillums.

00:26:10.000 They do hashish.

00:26:11.000 And they do yoga.

00:26:13.000 How about hot box yoga?

00:26:15.000 And just fill that room up with weed smoke.

00:26:18.000 Yeah, like one of them smoke machines?

00:26:19.000 Yeah, just keep pumping it in.

00:26:21.000 Dude, I know a guy with a hot yoga studio in his office.

00:26:25.000 Yeah, me.

00:26:26.000 That's what I was gonna say.

00:26:27.000 Let's do it.

00:26:28.000 The guy?

00:26:30.000 It's right here.

00:26:30.000 Wait, you crank up the heat in there?

00:26:32.000 No, I have a hot yoga studio in one of my...

00:26:35.000 You didn't see it?

00:26:36.000 I didn't show it to you?

00:26:38.000 I don't remember.

00:26:39.000 It's wild.

00:26:41.000 Yeah, I have a hot yoga room.

00:26:44.000 It's bigger than this room, and it has its own heating system.

00:26:47.000 And so it's completely isolated from the rest of the gym, so you can crank it up to 105, whatever the fuck you want.

00:26:52.000 You want to get crazy, you can go 130. Fuck.

00:26:55.000 I know a lot of guys who do, there's a company that makes an infrared sauna that's designed specifically for working out in it.

00:27:02.000 It has like chin-up bars and shit.

00:27:04.000 See if you can find what that is.

00:27:05.000 It's a different kind of sauna than I use.

00:27:07.000 I use the traditional rock sauna, like the hot rocks.

00:27:11.000 How hot do you go?

00:27:12.000 I do 185. Infrared is a little more sustainable, meaning I had an infrared one for a while.

00:27:19.000 I have the Hot Rock one.

00:27:20.000 I love the Hot Rock one.

00:27:21.000 But infrared, you can go in and actually sit in there for 35 minutes and you build.

00:27:25.000 Yeah, but see, that's the problem.

00:27:26.000 The problem is the reason why it's uncomfortable when you're going really hot is that's what you need because that's how your body builds the heat shock proteins.

00:27:34.000 There's not the same kind of studies that are done on infrared saunas.

00:27:38.000 The 20-year Finland study, there's a Finland study that showed a 40% decrease in all-cause mortality for people who use the sauna four times a week, 20 minutes at a time, and I think it's 170, 175 degrees.

00:27:51.000 But they showed a 40% decrease in strokes, heart attacks, like everything.

00:27:56.000 It's non-impact cardiovascular, correct?

00:27:59.000 It is.

00:27:59.000 I'm pairing you, I think.

00:28:01.000 You're sitting there and your heart is jet- like I wore the heart strap the other day.

00:28:04.000 I wore it too.

00:28:05.000 An hour at the schvitz.

00:28:06.000 It's like 134, 135, so your head is like a slow, steady heart, because I'm hot as balls in there.

00:28:13.000 400 calories I got.

00:28:15.000 What's it called?

00:28:16.000 Oh, that's fucking great.

00:28:17.000 What's the company called?

00:28:18.000 I don't know.

00:28:19.000 Lux sauna.

00:28:20.000 Wait, is that speed bags in a sauna?

00:28:22.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:28:23.000 Speed bags in a sauna.

00:28:24.000 They have chin-up bars.

00:28:25.000 There's certain saunas that they know.

00:28:27.000 I know a bunch of MMA fighters are using them.

00:28:29.000 But the thing is, this is definitely better than no sauna.

00:28:32.000 But the thing about the hot sauna, this is what Laird Hamilton told me.

00:28:38.000 Laird Hamilton does it with oven mitts.

00:28:40.000 Well, he gets on an Airdyne bike.

00:28:42.000 But he does it in a regular dry sauna.

00:28:44.000 Wait, so what's wrong with the infrared?

00:28:46.000 Nothing.

00:28:46.000 No, it's great for you.

00:28:47.000 Infrared's meant to increase your core body temperature before your skin.

00:28:51.000 The studies on sauna and longevity and health that came out of Finland were these really amazing studies that I was just citing.

00:28:59.000 And that's with a regular sauna.

00:29:01.000 And the thing about the regular sauna is it's more uncomfortable, but the more uncomfortable one is the one that jacks your heart rate up, and it also makes your body work harder, and that's what produces the heat shock proteins.

00:29:11.000 At least that's what I've been told, and this is talking to Dr. Rhonda Patrick and Laird Hamilton.

00:29:16.000 Andrew Huberman and all these scientists where they're talking about the specific things that happen in your body.

00:29:22.000 Your body produces cytokines.

00:29:24.000 It produces these anti-inflammatory heat shock proteins that are just fucking phenomenal for everything.

00:29:30.000 Dude, I crave it so bad.

00:29:31.000 When I'm on the road and I come home, sometimes I'll get home at night and everyone's asleep, I'll just fire up the fucking sauna.

00:29:37.000 That's so great.

00:29:37.000 Yeah.

00:29:38.000 That's the dream.

00:29:39.000 My dad has one in his basement, and it's just like, they all go to sleep.

00:29:43.000 It's the best thing to have right there.

00:29:44.000 You sleep so well.

00:29:45.000 It makes you feel so relaxed when you're done.

00:29:47.000 And with the combination of that and the cold plunge, so when I get home, I get in the sauna, I got a Seleuze sauna, and then I got that Morosco Forge at home, and we have the Blue Cube here, which is pretty dope, too.

00:29:58.000 The Blue Cube cold plunge, the water circulates, so it's like you're in a fucking river.

00:30:02.000 It's like, yeah!

00:30:03.000 You never get a thermal layer around your skin, so you're never comfortable.

00:30:07.000 When you get out of that fucking thing after three minutes, you're like, ah.

00:30:11.000 The weight of the world is gone.

00:30:14.000 Did you ever see the video I did where I had my whoop on, and I did my heart rate in the sauna, and then I went right into the polar plunge, and it went from 145 to 65 in like three minutes.

00:30:25.000 Wow.

00:30:25.000 See if you can find it.

00:30:27.000 It's sped up, so you can see it, but my whoop, I fucking...

00:30:34.000 I can't tell if I slept good unless I look at my fucking recovery next morning.

00:30:38.000 What is that strap?

00:30:38.000 It's a fancy strap.

00:30:39.000 What is it, like a tie-dye?

00:30:41.000 No, it's camo.

00:30:44.000 Do you have different recovery since you stopped drinking?

00:30:49.000 Oh, well, my recovery on tequila is better than my recovery without alcohol.

00:30:53.000 That's insane.

00:30:54.000 Look at this, so 141, right?

00:30:58.000 140, and then I just get in the sauna, you'll see it.

00:31:00.000 Who did this video for you?

00:31:01.000 I did.

00:31:01.000 How do they do that?

00:31:02.000 You can go on Whoop.

00:31:03.000 They have a video thing.

00:31:05.000 Oh, nice.

00:31:05.000 Where you can record yourself.

00:31:06.000 I do it every time I go in the sauna.

00:31:08.000 I record my heart rate dropping.

00:31:10.000 And so you go right in and look at...

00:31:12.000 I gotta keep my hand out so my Whoop monitors it.

00:31:15.000 Is this next to your old place?

00:31:16.000 That's my new house.

00:31:17.000 If you put your hand under, the Whoop won't monitor it?

00:31:20.000 No.

00:31:21.000 Wow, that's quick.

00:31:22.000 Oh yeah, you gotta take out a shower.

00:31:23.000 It's dropping your heart down.

00:31:24.000 In two minutes, I'm already in the 70s.

00:31:26.000 Wow.

00:31:27.000 That's wild.

00:31:28.000 Isn't that crazy?

00:31:29.000 It's just 66 in three minutes.

00:31:31.000 That's incredible.

00:31:32.000 And then back up a little.

00:31:33.000 Yeah.

00:31:34.000 What temperature do you keep your cold plunge at?

00:31:36.000 Your dick looks so small in that.

00:31:37.000 Yeah, dick does not look the same size.

00:31:38.000 Can we back that up and see the dick?

00:31:40.000 Can we zoom in?

00:31:40.000 I love that cold plunge.

00:31:44.000 Yeah, cold plungees are the best.

00:31:45.000 They're just not priced right.

00:31:47.000 In my opinion.

00:31:48.000 What do you mean?

00:31:48.000 Price right?

00:31:49.000 For the average person listening, they're going, oh, I should get one.

00:31:52.000 And then you go and you're like, oh, it's $12,000.

00:31:54.000 Yeah, it should be like $800.

00:31:55.000 Some of them are more.

00:31:56.000 The really good ones are even more.

00:31:57.000 Are they really?

00:31:58.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:31:59.000 I got one sent to me by Cold Plunge, I think the name of the company.

00:32:03.000 Yeah.

00:32:04.000 It's great.

00:32:04.000 They're expensive.

00:32:05.000 But you can always just get water and ice.

00:32:07.000 You know, you just fill a tub up with cold water and go to the fucking, you know...

00:32:11.000 The old football ones with just a metal tin.

00:32:13.000 Gets pricey.

00:32:14.000 Does it?

00:32:14.000 Ice?

00:32:15.000 That's how I used to do it, was with a bathtub.

00:32:17.000 And how we do it on the road, we travel with a bathtub.

00:32:19.000 You can get ice out of venues cheap, but no one's performing in fucking venues that have ice.

00:32:24.000 Yeah.

00:32:24.000 It's about $300 for...

00:32:28.000 Oh, fuck.

00:32:29.000 I used to go to North Hollywood Ice.

00:32:30.000 It's $300 for 300 pounds of ice, and you need definitely like 100 pounds of ice to be able to do a cold plunge in.

00:32:39.000 So you gotta play a bunch each time.

00:32:40.000 So then you think about if you use it for a year, you're really better off getting a real cold plunge.

00:32:44.000 That's why they're priced the way they are.

00:32:46.000 Well, it's complicated.

00:32:48.000 The Morosco develops actual ice.

00:32:50.000 I climb in it, and I'm pushing ice away to get in there.

00:32:52.000 But you do 34 degrees?

00:32:55.000 34. You're fucking out of your mind.

00:32:56.000 I'm 42. Yeah.

00:32:58.000 I do 42. It's very doable.

00:32:59.000 I do four minutes and do some box breathing in there.

00:33:03.000 I don't think you notice the difference between 40 and 30. Really?

00:33:06.000 It's just cold as fuck.

00:33:07.000 I notice the difference because I got mine.

00:33:09.000 I can tell the difference in the 30s.

00:33:11.000 Yeah.

00:33:11.000 I got mine at 50. I started at 50 just to see what it was.

00:33:15.000 And I was like, oh, this is cold.

00:33:16.000 I mean, if you're going from nothing to 50, you're like, it's cold as fuck to get into 50 degrees.

00:33:19.000 And then I started lowering it.

00:33:21.000 And I felt like within days, I could notice the difference going to like 46 felt so much colder than 50. And it was only four degrees.

00:33:31.000 My daughter's friends were over the house.

00:33:33.000 And I told them I'd give them $1,000 if they could do a minute in it.

00:33:36.000 I gave three kids $1,000.

00:33:39.000 Really?

00:33:39.000 12-year-olds.

00:33:41.000 And the parents were like, what the fuck?

00:33:43.000 I'm like, they earned it.

00:33:44.000 They earned it.

00:33:45.000 I just wanted to show them that they could do it.

00:33:47.000 And were they fucking losing their minds, or they were pretty concerned?

00:33:52.000 And they got out, woo!

00:33:54.000 And they're fucking flexing.

00:33:56.000 Slay!

00:33:56.000 It's hilarious.

00:33:57.000 Dude, I met a guy at the schvitz who's a fan of yours.

00:34:00.000 It was fun!

00:34:00.000 That's great!

00:34:01.000 It was fun!

00:34:02.000 I took $300 in a plastic bag and put a rock in it at a party, and I threw it in the pool.

00:34:08.000 And I go, who wasn't?

00:34:09.000 One of Georgia's friends fully closed dives in the pool!

00:34:12.000 Why not?

00:34:13.000 Yeah, why not?

00:34:14.000 It's fucking awesome!

00:34:15.000 But these kids were so pumped, and their parents were like, are you serious?

00:34:18.000 Like, yeah, look, it's like, for them to do, it's a hard thing to do.

00:34:21.000 Sure.

00:34:22.000 And I'm showing them, if you can do this very difficult thing, a minute and a cold plunge when you're fucking...

00:34:27.000 It's very hard.

00:34:28.000 30 seconds is like enough.

00:34:29.000 You're 90 pounds, and you're 12 years old.

00:34:31.000 Yeah.

00:34:32.000 Sure.

00:34:33.000 Were their parents like, hey, Joe, can I get a grand to find something?

00:34:37.000 Probably were, but they probably didn't want to say it.

00:34:39.000 You know, that's the story that will last longest with you in your life, is those kids will never fucking forget that.

00:34:45.000 Right.

00:34:45.000 Oh, yeah.

00:34:45.000 Yeah.

00:34:46.000 And they're just thinking about all the things.

00:34:47.000 I gave them $100 bills, too.

00:34:48.000 Chris, hundreds.

00:34:50.000 Yeah.

00:34:50.000 God, I love that.

00:34:52.000 I love that energy.

00:34:53.000 Yeah.

00:34:53.000 I used to do Chinese New Years.

00:34:55.000 We do a big Chinese New Years.

00:34:56.000 Our friends are Chinese.

00:34:57.000 And everyone dresses in red.

00:34:59.000 And I get, like, whatever the year is, I get that all in crisp ones.

00:35:02.000 And then I make kids gamble for it.

00:35:04.000 And I make them do shit.

00:35:05.000 It's very Chinese.

00:35:07.000 Very Chinese.

00:35:08.000 Very Chinese.

00:35:09.000 We play a game called Spoons, where, you know, you put five spoons on the table, six kids are playing, and you pass cards, go around, and...

00:35:16.000 And anytime anyone gets four of a kind, everyone reaches for a spoon and they fight for it.

00:35:21.000 And I'll put a hundred bucks.

00:35:22.000 I go, alright, Game of Spoons, a hundred bucks.

00:35:24.000 And you just watch kids.

00:35:25.000 A hundred bucks to a kid is a lot.

00:35:27.000 That's the fucking best.

00:35:28.000 Oliver Stone thought I was a fucking lunatic.

00:35:30.000 Why did Oliver Stone think you were a lunatic?

00:35:32.000 Did you just name drop Oliver Stone?

00:35:33.000 He was there, as Tom knows it.

00:35:35.000 He was there, and I was pretty drunk, and I was fucking shirtless, making kids fight.

00:35:39.000 And he was like, I'm such a big fan, I love The Godfather, and Stone was like, what the fuck are you talking about?

00:35:44.000 I love The Godfather!

00:35:46.000 Hammered!

00:35:47.000 I love The Godfather!

00:35:49.000 Didn't you fight in Vietnam?

00:35:51.000 No!

00:35:54.000 He so did not feel my energy.

00:35:57.000 He's a weed smoker.

00:36:00.000 Oliver Stone.

00:36:01.000 I smoked weed with Oliver Stone.

00:36:02.000 That was awesome.

00:36:03.000 We smoked weed and talked about JFK. That is your dream conversation.

00:36:09.000 The only thing that could be better if he knows a lot about the pyramids.

00:36:13.000 It was amazing.

00:36:15.000 It was because, like, he's talking about the events that led up to the JFK assassination and all the cover-up and everything after the fact, and he's citing it from memory.

00:36:25.000 I mean, in-depth details of the Kennedy assassination, just right from memory.

00:36:31.000 And this is, like, around the time that the Showtime documentary on the – I don't know if you've ever seen it.

00:36:36.000 It's got a Showtime series on the JFK. I saw his series where he went to Russia.

00:36:42.000 Oh yeah, with Putin?

00:36:43.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:36:44.000 He went to Russia with Putin and they watched Dr. Strangelove.

00:36:47.000 Yeah, that's right.

00:36:48.000 Yeah, they watched that Kubrick film.

00:36:49.000 Yes.

00:36:50.000 Amazing.

00:36:51.000 Amazing, yeah.

00:36:51.000 And they talked about, you know, all of kind of Putin policies.

00:36:56.000 Yeah.

00:36:56.000 With Putin?

00:36:57.000 Yeah, with him.

00:36:58.000 He said that Putin was being treated for cancer back then.

00:37:02.000 Really?

00:37:02.000 Yeah.

00:37:02.000 I bet they got a new treatment that no one knows about.

00:37:04.000 Well, they definitely have new treatments.

00:37:06.000 There was a treatment that was just in the news the other day where they get...

00:37:08.000 What was it?

00:37:10.000 It's like a version of the herpes virus.

00:37:13.000 Google this.

00:37:14.000 There's like a mild version of the herpes virus that they gave someone.

00:37:18.000 They injected it into them and it killed their cancer.

00:37:21.000 Shut up!

00:37:23.000 That's something I'd love to discover.

00:37:24.000 On the sly, you're like, you know, no one that has herpes has never gotten cancer.

00:37:29.000 Joe List doesn't have cancer.

00:37:31.000 Interesting.

00:37:36.000 Yeah, Jamie, there it is.

00:37:37.000 A man's cancer vanished after he was injected with a weakened herpes virus in promising clinical trial.

00:37:43.000 Imagine that, like guys with herpes would just be lining up to bang chicks with breast cancer.

00:37:47.000 I can live, but I can only fuck sluts.

00:37:50.000 How great would it be to have to go catch herpes to cure your cancer?

00:37:53.000 Yeah, that's what I'm saying.

00:37:53.000 Imagine if you're a woman and you have ovarian cancer, and they're like, I got good news and bad news.

00:37:58.000 The bad news is you got ovarian cancer.

00:38:00.000 The good news is my cousin has herpes, and he's willing to cure you.

00:38:06.000 The only way, but you've got to get it all the way up in there, so he's got to shoot a live one down the hatch.

00:38:11.000 He's going to have to be there a few times.

00:38:12.000 So we're going to have to plan it with your ovulation to make sure that you're not getting his pregnant, his baby.

00:38:18.000 Pretty wild, though.

00:38:19.000 That's incredible.

00:38:20.000 Yeah, but that's one of the cool things is like, you know, they find things out sometimes accidentally.

00:38:25.000 You always wonder, too, what the most powerful people have access to.

00:38:30.000 Yeah.

00:38:31.000 But then something will happen, like Paul Allen, you know, the Microsoft co-founder?

00:38:36.000 Yeah.

00:38:36.000 He died.

00:38:37.000 Well, he was really unhealthy and didn't exercise at all.

00:38:41.000 At all.

00:38:41.000 But he just got, I think, non-Hodgkin's lymphoma, or whatever, some cancer, and then he just declined and died.

00:38:47.000 He was very obese.

00:38:49.000 Yeah.

00:38:49.000 And he also, just because you're wealthy doesn't mean you get after it.

00:38:52.000 Like, try to chase down what's wrong.

00:38:55.000 Right, right.

00:38:55.000 Because the other people in your life are like, this motherfucker dies, okay.

00:38:58.000 Paid!

00:38:59.000 Yeah.

00:39:00.000 Other level paid.

00:39:03.000 Billions of dollars.

00:39:05.000 You probably wouldn't be really encouraging them to go to the oncologist.

00:39:08.000 Like, you look good.

00:39:09.000 I look like gray cardboard.

00:39:11.000 These doctors don't know what they're talking about.

00:39:11.000 You need a rest, man.

00:39:13.000 You need meditation.

00:39:15.000 All you need to do is just breathe.

00:39:16.000 Eat an apple, you're fine.

00:39:17.000 Yeah, you gotta be good.

00:39:18.000 Have some greens.

00:39:19.000 I think his sister, somebody who had nothing to do with anything, just took over his estate.

00:39:27.000 Oh, man.

00:39:27.000 It just happens to be his sister.

00:39:29.000 Yeah, it happens to be his sister, and now she's ballin'.

00:39:31.000 That's gotta be wild.

00:39:33.000 You didn't do anything to earn it, and then all of a sudden you have billions.

00:39:36.000 There's that great Bill Burbit about Tiger Woods' ex-wife.

00:39:39.000 He's like, you didn't stand over an eight-foot putt with a fucking green jacket on the line, having the yips, having to fucking do it.

00:39:44.000 You got half a billion?

00:39:45.000 Yeah.

00:39:46.000 Yeah, and then he had a bit about Kobe Bryant, too.

00:39:49.000 Same kind of bit.

00:39:50.000 I made that joke last night on stage.

00:39:52.000 What?

00:39:53.000 About when I was talking about that age-appropriate lady.

00:39:56.000 Oh, yeah?

00:39:56.000 I said, those are the eyes you want to look in when you die.

00:39:58.000 Eyes that are your age.

00:39:59.000 You don't want to look at some 21-year-old girl on your deathbed.

00:40:02.000 She's like, hurry up, I have yoga class.

00:40:03.000 Licking her lips.

00:40:04.000 Yeah, ooh.

00:40:05.000 She's got the rolled-up mat under her armpit while you're dying.

00:40:08.000 On your deathbed, you will see someone.

00:40:10.000 Yes!

00:40:11.000 Bleak!

00:40:12.000 Bleak!

00:40:16.000 She's on her phone, swiping.

00:40:19.000 Her fucking hot yoga instructor is ready to comfort her.

00:40:24.000 Yeah, get me on some anti-aging shit.

00:40:26.000 I don't want to die.

00:40:27.000 Let's talk about Dana White.

00:40:29.000 You've got to stop drinking.

00:40:31.000 We'll get to Dana White.

00:40:33.000 But this is why...

00:40:34.000 We should tell him what Andrew Huberman told him.

00:40:38.000 What did Andrew Huberman tell him?

00:40:39.000 We were on the phone with him during a podcast, and he had just posted that week about...

00:40:45.000 He'll have topics and themes for his podcast, right?

00:40:49.000 And it was just all about alcohol.

00:40:53.000 There is just clear data that is undeniable that alcohol has negative effects on you.

00:41:01.000 And it is undeniable.

00:41:03.000 And here's all the data, you know, breaking down how it affects the brain and the organs of the system.

00:41:08.000 And then he's like, well, I mean, like, what can, you know, can I drink?

00:41:12.000 And Andrew's like, well, yes.

00:41:14.000 Studies show that if you want to have one to two drinks, and he goes, a week.

00:41:21.000 A week?

00:41:24.000 Well, that's what Andrew's saying.

00:41:25.000 That would be fine.

00:41:26.000 And Burst's like, a little bit more.

00:41:28.000 There was a study recently that linked decline in cognitive function to abstinence from alcohol.

00:41:37.000 To abstinence from alcohol?

00:41:39.000 Yeah, abstinence from alcohol.

00:41:40.000 Dementia decline from alcohol is correlated with abstinence from alcohol.

00:41:44.000 See if you can find that, Jamie.

00:41:45.000 Correlated.

00:41:46.000 Yeah, no, they think that people who don't drink alcohol, I don't know if correlation doesn't equal causation, right?

00:41:54.000 But there's some sort of a connection.

00:41:55.000 I think it's a relaxation thing.

00:41:57.000 And I was talking about this with my dad last time, my stepdad.

00:42:01.000 He's actually my dad.

00:42:02.000 I should call him my dad.

00:42:04.000 He has a lot of past going into that statement.

00:42:08.000 He's a great guy.

00:42:08.000 I love him.

00:42:09.000 But we were talking about it.

00:42:12.000 He has always been a guy after work, works hard, has a drink.

00:42:17.000 Maybe two.

00:42:18.000 Just relaxes.

00:42:19.000 And I was like, I think there's something to be said for that.

00:42:22.000 I think this is something to be said for just the way it makes you feel.

00:42:25.000 Increased risk for all-cause dementia and people who abstain from alcohol.

00:42:29.000 A recent addiction journal paper, researchers performed an in-depth analysis of the alcohol-dementia relationship and determined whether certain levels of alcohol consumption increases the risk of dementia.

00:42:39.000 And so they found out that there's an increase in dementia.

00:42:44.000 Dementia generally affects the elderly and geriatric patients, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

00:42:49.000 Global presence of dementia, what does it say here?

00:42:51.000 Excessive alcohol consumption in midlife can cause significant neurotoxic effects on the brain as compared to other risk factors such as high blood pressure and diabetes.

00:43:03.000 Despite these different reports, views of population-based observational studies indicate that alcohol-dementia relationship is J-shaped.

00:43:11.000 More specifically, low levels of alcohol may provide some juice.

00:43:18.000 More specifically, low levels of alcohol may provide some benefit in reducing the risk of dementia, whereas excessive alcohol consumption, BERT, likely increases the risk of dementia in a dose-dependent manner.

00:43:30.000 So I think there's something about, like, you get home, you fucking hard day at the office, have a cocktail, you're like...

00:43:36.000 That's how I do it.

00:43:37.000 I think relaxation is so goddamn important.

00:43:41.000 That's my brand.

00:43:41.000 Massage therapy.

00:43:42.000 Yes.

00:43:43.000 It's fucking so good.

00:43:44.000 Just enjoying life, man.

00:43:45.000 You remember I texted you when I was in Italy on vacation?

00:43:47.000 Yes, I do.

00:43:48.000 I've never seen you happier in your life.

00:43:50.000 I was drunk.

00:43:51.000 I was eating pasta.

00:43:52.000 I felt so good.

00:43:54.000 Yeah, go away from all responsibility.

00:43:56.000 With my family.

00:43:57.000 With my family, looking at the ocean.

00:44:01.000 Yeah, it was rad.

00:44:02.000 What the fuck is it about the ocean?

00:44:05.000 It's so different.

00:44:06.000 It's so relaxing.

00:44:06.000 We spent the summer at the ocean, and here we live on a lake.

00:44:10.000 There's no comparison.

00:44:11.000 Lakes are rad.

00:44:12.000 Lakes are nice, but ocean is the motherfucker.

00:44:15.000 It is a totally different thing.

00:44:16.000 I got a house once for three months when I was in Malibu.

00:44:19.000 Yeah.

00:44:20.000 We were getting our kitchen remodeled, and I said, let's just rent a house.

00:44:22.000 We were renting a house on the water.

00:44:24.000 It's fucking amazing.

00:44:25.000 You're eating breakfast, and the water's right there.

00:44:28.000 You just stare out at it.

00:44:29.000 Those rich people aren't stupid, dude.

00:44:31.000 There's a reason why they're paying fucking $100 million for a house that's like a quarter of an acre.

00:44:36.000 The ultimate was, you know, we'd always talked about surfing, and I've always wanted to surf.

00:44:40.000 So I set a goal for myself.

00:44:42.000 I had two months off, no touring.

00:44:44.000 I said, I'm going to go to Hawaii at the end of two months.

00:44:45.000 I'm going to lose weight, get into the 240s.

00:44:48.000 And I'm going to get...

00:44:48.000 Because my hardest part is standing up on a board when you're fat.

00:44:51.000 So I lost the weight.

00:44:52.000 Flew my daughter right before she went to college.

00:44:54.000 My sister, my cameraman, and my assistant down.

00:44:57.000 We all went to Hawaii State at Turtle Bay.

00:44:59.000 Did Jamie O'Brien's surf experience.

00:45:01.000 And I surfed.

00:45:02.000 Like I surfed a fucking solid two days.

00:45:04.000 Caught probably 25 waves.

00:45:06.000 And there is a genuine, surreal connection with the Earth when you're on a board sliding down a wave.

00:45:14.000 Yeah.

00:45:14.000 And you're moving over on the wave and you're just watching it.

00:45:17.000 It's the coolest fucking thing that I've ever done.

00:45:20.000 And then you look at these guys like...

00:45:22.000 Like, Nathan Florence and Kai Lenny and Koa Rothman, who do, they're like fucking savages, and they're going into Jaws, towed in, and you're just like...

00:45:32.000 Those guys are wild.

00:45:32.000 That's a different thing, though.

00:45:34.000 That's a different thing.

00:45:35.000 Those guys are adrenaline junkies to the extreme.

00:45:37.000 But the connection those guys have with the ocean is so primal.

00:45:43.000 I mean, you're right.

00:45:44.000 Dude, do you know what would happen every day?

00:45:46.000 Because we did the same thing.

00:45:47.000 We rented a house in Malibu.

00:45:50.000 Because the tide changes every day, right?

00:45:52.000 Yeah.

00:45:53.000 And when at low tide, sometimes low tide would be, let's say, at 8 a.m.

00:45:56.000 So you'd look out, and the water would be so far out that there would be rocks that you normally don't see, right?

00:46:04.000 And you're like, oh, wow.

00:46:05.000 You can walk...

00:46:06.000 Into the ocean because the tide's so low.

00:46:09.000 Dude, high tide made me respect and fear the ocean so much.

00:46:16.000 Why?

00:46:16.000 What do you mean?

00:46:16.000 Because it would come up and hit the house with such violence on some days that you would go, if I, an adult who can swim, were down here right now, most likely you would drown.

00:46:28.000 Smashed.

00:46:28.000 And you would get pulled out and die.

00:46:30.000 Yeah, that happens all the time.

00:46:31.000 I know, but when you're living there, when you're living there, you're like, holy shit.

00:46:35.000 You're seeing it every day.

00:46:37.000 You look down.

00:46:37.000 Well, you know the difference for me was at night.

00:46:39.000 Yeah.

00:46:40.000 During the day, the ocean is like this beautiful, inviting, wonderful thing.

00:46:44.000 At night, it's dark.

00:46:46.000 And you just realize, oh my god, that's like a fucking hundred trillion gallons of water.

00:46:50.000 Like, what the fuck is that?

00:46:51.000 The guy who discovered Hawaii, not discovered, obviously there are people there first, John Cook.

00:46:55.000 John Cook, is that his name?

00:46:57.000 Captain Cook.

00:46:57.000 They ate him?

00:46:59.000 They ate him.

00:47:00.000 Really?

00:47:01.000 They didn't eat him.

00:47:01.000 Yeah.

00:47:02.000 No, they didn't eat him.

00:47:03.000 I just, when I was in Hawaii, I watched, I listened to the documentary.

00:47:06.000 They ate him.

00:47:06.000 I liked Ari's story better.

00:47:07.000 They killed him and ate him.

00:47:08.000 Let's go with Ari's story.

00:47:10.000 Well, you know what?

00:47:10.000 He couldn't swim.

00:47:12.000 Isn't that crazy?

00:47:13.000 He got in a boat and he couldn't swim?

00:47:15.000 How long does it take to learn to swim?

00:47:19.000 That's how they got him.

00:47:20.000 I think I could learn to swim in about 10 minutes.

00:47:23.000 It's not like doing jujitsu.

00:47:27.000 It's you fucking do this.

00:47:29.000 I think it's so built up in your head that by the time you get in there, it's panic.

00:47:33.000 Yeah, but you could laugh.

00:47:34.000 You live on a boat.

00:47:36.000 How do you not learn how to swim?

00:47:38.000 He never learned how to swim.

00:47:38.000 That's how they got him.

00:47:39.000 He went in and he tried to escape, get to the water, and he just had to stop at the water because he's like, I don't know what to do in there.

00:47:44.000 He fucking traveled the world, discovered the Sandwich Islands and all of Hawaii.

00:47:50.000 They're called the Sandwich Islands?

00:47:51.000 In Italy, they're called the Sangwich Islands.

00:47:54.000 Oh.

00:47:58.000 What a fucking weird thing to not know how to do.

00:48:01.000 I can understand if you don't grow up near a pool and you never learn.

00:48:03.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:48:04.000 If you're a boat captain, it's ridiculous.

00:48:07.000 There's a lot of comics that don't know how to swim.

00:48:10.000 Who?

00:48:10.000 I'm not gonna say his name.

00:48:11.000 Say his name.

00:48:12.000 No, it's not cool.

00:48:13.000 Call them out.

00:48:13.000 Well, just spell it out.

00:48:15.000 S-E-B-A. Maniscalco?

00:48:19.000 He doesn't know how to swim?

00:48:21.000 Oh, I could teach him.

00:48:22.000 Isn't he embarrassed?

00:48:24.000 Why aren't you embarrassed?

00:48:26.000 I'm sorry, Sebastian.

00:48:27.000 He's a great guy.

00:48:29.000 It's one of my favorite bits.

00:48:30.000 I watched him talk about it on stage.

00:48:32.000 About how he can't swim?

00:48:33.000 Crying, laughing.

00:48:34.000 He talked about it on stage, how he can't swim, and you won't say it.

00:48:37.000 But it's his bit.

00:48:38.000 I don't want to fuck with his bit.

00:48:39.000 But that's not fucking with his bit.

00:48:41.000 I went backstage, and I was like, that's fucking hilarious.

00:48:43.000 And he's like, eh?

00:48:46.000 And I go, you really can't swim?

00:48:48.000 And he goes, no.

00:48:49.000 He goes, no, not everyone can swim.

00:48:51.000 I go...

00:48:51.000 He's got a pool.

00:48:52.000 I go, everyone can swim?

00:48:53.000 What?

00:48:54.000 He's got a pool.

00:48:55.000 What, did he put the floaties in his arm?

00:48:56.000 No, he was taking swimming lessons, and it was hilarious that you're a grown man.

00:49:00.000 So, if he took swimming lessons, now he knows how to swim.

00:49:02.000 No.

00:49:03.000 Fuck out of here.

00:49:04.000 He failed his lessons?

00:49:05.000 I don't know.

00:49:06.000 He had to keep fishing him out?

00:49:08.000 He did it on stage and I was crying laughing.

00:49:10.000 It's kind of humiliating to be an adult.

00:49:13.000 He has a kid.

00:49:14.000 You know what's really amazing?

00:49:15.000 When you kick and swim better than you?

00:49:16.000 I had a dog, my Mastiff, he never learned how to swim.

00:49:19.000 He just was not interested in swimming.

00:49:21.000 I'd pick him up, I'd take him in the water, and you'd just swim right back to the stairs.

00:49:24.000 I'm like, come on, Johnny, let's go.

00:49:25.000 Let's try, yeah.

00:49:27.000 Marshall, the golden retriever, it's like in his DNA. When he was a puppy, when he was a puppy, we were in the pool, and he's like, fuck yeah, woo!

00:49:35.000 Some kids take to it quick.

00:49:37.000 My oldest took to it real quick.

00:49:38.000 Yeah?

00:49:39.000 Yeah, he swims like a fucking lunatic now.

00:49:41.000 I think if they just do it early, it's fun.

00:49:43.000 You gotta do it early.

00:49:43.000 You gotta get your dog in the pool right away.

00:49:45.000 Does Marshall dive down?

00:49:46.000 Oh yeah, he doesn't.

00:49:48.000 Dives?

00:49:48.000 He would.

00:49:49.000 I mean, if the ball's underwater, he'll go underwater.

00:49:51.000 That's a water dog, though.

00:49:53.000 He's a golden retriever.

00:49:55.000 Mastiffs are not our old Mastiff, Priscilla.

00:49:58.000 The funniest fucking look on her face one time, she fell into the pool.

00:50:03.000 We didn't know she fell into the pool.

00:50:05.000 She fell into the pool, she got herself out of the pool, and I saw this look in her face.

00:50:09.000 She's by the pool, and you could see it in her eyes like, I just witnessed death, but I didn't figure it out.

00:50:14.000 And I was like, wait!

00:50:15.000 Why are you soaking wet?

00:50:17.000 Why are you soaking wet?

00:50:17.000 And she's looking at me like, I almost just died!

00:50:19.000 No one was gonna fucking save me!

00:50:21.000 Oh my god, the poor dog.

00:50:23.000 Dude, I get bandit when we just have the look of like, I'm gonna put her in the pool.

00:50:26.000 Like, she'll be fine by the pool, and you look at her, she knows the look, and she's like, get the fuck away from me!

00:50:30.000 And then she just starts running away.

00:50:32.000 She knows what we're gonna do.

00:50:33.000 Was she a rescue?

00:50:34.000 Yeah, but as a baby.

00:50:36.000 And you just never got her into a pool?

00:50:37.000 We tried, and then she just wasn't interested.

00:50:39.000 Yeah, you gotta make it fun.

00:50:41.000 You gotta make it fun.

00:50:42.000 But Marshall, I didn't have to do anything.

00:50:44.000 It's in his DNA. It's in his DNA, which is really wild.

00:50:47.000 He's got webbed feet, Joe.

00:50:49.000 Yeah, no, he does.

00:50:50.000 Another thing that's really wild is the retriever aspect.

00:50:53.000 I didn't teach that dog at all to bring a ball back.

00:50:55.000 He just brings it back.

00:50:57.000 Like, the first time I ever threw a ball to him, he picks it up and he brings it back.

00:51:00.000 Wow.

00:51:01.000 Knew how to fetch.

00:51:02.000 Instantly.

00:51:03.000 He doesn't know how to let it go, but he brings it back.

00:51:05.000 Like, the other day, I came home, I let him outside, and then I left the door open and went to the bathroom.

00:51:12.000 I took a leak.

00:51:13.000 I came out of the bathroom, and he's got a squirrel in his mouth.

00:51:15.000 No!

00:51:16.000 Yeah, he killed a squirrel.

00:51:17.000 And he's just sitting there.

00:51:18.000 He caught a squirrel?

00:51:19.000 Instantly.

00:51:19.000 Proud, showing it off to you.

00:51:20.000 Oh, yeah.

00:51:21.000 Oh, yeah.

00:51:22.000 But he came to me to retrieve and bring a squirrel.

00:51:25.000 Whatever they did to breed those dogs, it's encoded in their memory.

00:51:30.000 It's encoded in their DNA. It's really wild.

00:51:33.000 You know, and it's also, those dogs, like Goldens, they are the nicest dogs.

00:51:39.000 Oh, I like your dog a lot.

00:51:40.000 He's the best.

00:51:42.000 He's such a sweetie to everybody.

00:51:44.000 Everybody who comes over to my house, like, you're my best friend!

00:51:48.000 Like, new people that he just meets.

00:51:50.000 He starts whining.

00:51:51.000 He picks up a toy.

00:51:52.000 He always has to bring a toy to you.

00:51:53.000 And show, like, he brings something because, like, those dogs were rewarded for bringing back, like, birds.

00:51:58.000 Like, you'd shoot a bird.

00:51:59.000 They'd grab the bird, bring it back to you.

00:52:01.000 They'd retrieve it.

00:52:02.000 And he just will bring something to you immediately.

00:52:04.000 It's funny when you see what they're...

00:52:05.000 They're very gentle mouths, too.

00:52:06.000 Oh, they're so gentle.

00:52:07.000 What they're bred for, because we had Brussels Griffons, and they're bred for rat chasers.

00:52:11.000 Oh, yeah.

00:52:12.000 You know?

00:52:12.000 So when they see rodents, squirrels, and stuff, they'll be like...

00:52:16.000 And then they're like...

00:52:18.000 You'll see them freak the fuck out.

00:52:19.000 Have you ever seen that documentary, Rats, on Netflix?

00:52:22.000 No.

00:52:23.000 It's about New York.

00:52:23.000 Jack Russell Terriers.

00:52:25.000 Well, it's about a lot of cities, and it's also about the countryside.

00:52:28.000 Jack Russell Terriers were actually designed or bred for killing rats.

00:52:32.000 They're really aggressive with rats, and they fucking tear them apart.

00:52:37.000 And in this documentary, they use them to get rats.

00:52:40.000 And so they let these dogs loose, and they find rats in this countryside.

00:52:44.000 Yeah, there's a service.

00:52:45.000 Tear them apart.

00:52:45.000 There's a service you can get to go if you have a backyard in New York where you just have these terriers just piss all over your yard.

00:52:51.000 Hunt some rats piss and the rat's like, that's not a safe yard.

00:52:54.000 Get out of there.

00:52:55.000 They're smart as shit, man.

00:52:57.000 In that documentary, here they are.

00:52:58.000 There's those little dogs.

00:52:59.000 So these guys, they're digging holes to try to find these rats.

00:53:03.000 Because, like, there's these rat little, you know, dens and shit, and these dogs find them, and they're the cutest little dogs, man, but not to rats.

00:53:10.000 Oh, nice!

00:53:11.000 Murder it!

00:53:12.000 Murder it!

00:53:13.000 Oh, they do?

00:53:13.000 They kill it?

00:53:14.000 Yeah, oh, they rip it to pieces, man.

00:53:15.000 Look at this.

00:53:16.000 All of them.

00:53:17.000 I mean, it's just fucking wild.

00:53:18.000 That's crazy.

00:53:19.000 That little one's like, give me some!

00:53:20.000 But meanwhile, these rats have fucking diseases, so your dog is swallowing the plague.

00:53:25.000 Yeah, right?

00:53:26.000 Not on the countryside, though.

00:53:27.000 Yeah, not out there.

00:53:28.000 Probably not.

00:53:29.000 Yeah, you're right.

00:53:30.000 So what do they get in the plague?

00:53:32.000 Oh, shit!

00:53:33.000 The guts!

00:53:34.000 Fuck.

00:53:35.000 What do they get in the diseases from?

00:53:37.000 Like, our garbage?

00:53:38.000 Our sewers?

00:53:39.000 Like, where are they getting all their diseases?

00:53:40.000 Well, they'll live in...

00:53:42.000 It must be sewage.

00:53:43.000 Yeah.

00:53:43.000 Because they live in...

00:53:43.000 They'll run around all the sewage.

00:53:46.000 You know about...

00:53:47.000 Is it a king rat?

00:53:48.000 Oh, Rat King.

00:53:50.000 The tails get tied up.

00:53:52.000 Yeah, they get knotted up together somehow.

00:53:54.000 And they can't move.

00:53:55.000 And they die.

00:53:56.000 Really?

00:53:57.000 It gets into a knot.

00:53:58.000 Yeah, that's it.

00:53:59.000 Look at that.

00:54:00.000 Rat King.

00:54:01.000 I thought that was Theo.

00:54:02.000 God damn.

00:54:03.000 It is Theo, but that's his nickname.

00:54:05.000 But that's a real thing.

00:54:07.000 They get tangled up together and they die.

00:54:09.000 I had no idea.

00:54:10.000 I don't understand why they get that tangled.

00:54:12.000 Have you seen banana rats?

00:54:13.000 No.

00:54:13.000 No, it's a banana rat.

00:54:14.000 I saw that in Cuba.

00:54:16.000 They have an infestation of banana rats.

00:54:19.000 What does that mean?

00:54:20.000 Well, they're enormous.

00:54:21.000 They look like dogs.

00:54:22.000 Oh, that's right.

00:54:23.000 They would swim out the sea and people would rescue them thinking they're dogs.

00:54:27.000 You're on the island, because we were doing Guantanamo Bay.

00:54:31.000 Torturing people.

00:54:32.000 What are you doing out there?

00:54:33.000 As it shows.

00:54:34.000 Working for Al-Qaeda.

00:54:35.000 Oh my god, look at the size of that thing!

00:54:38.000 They're everywhere.

00:54:39.000 Holy, that's like a copy bar or something.

00:54:42.000 Yeah, exactly.

00:54:43.000 And they're like, there's a- Look at his feet!

00:54:45.000 Look at the size of that thing, dude!

00:54:47.000 They pay a dude, a couple people, just to go around at night with a.22, and they're like, just shoot as many as you can, because you can't keep them down.

00:54:54.000 Did you ever see- When Attell had that show?

00:54:56.000 Yeah.

00:54:56.000 What was this show called?

00:54:57.000 Insomniac.

00:54:58.000 Yeah.

00:54:58.000 They hunted nutrias?

00:55:00.000 Nutrias!

00:55:00.000 Same idea.

00:55:01.000 In New Orleans, right?

00:55:01.000 Yeah.

00:55:02.000 Same idea.

00:55:02.000 Nutria is an invasive species that, I forget where it came from, but they got over in America on ships or something like that, and now they're everywhere.

00:55:11.000 I've never screamed higher pitch in my life than when we pulled up to do a gig in Guantanamo Bay.

00:55:17.000 And the guy driving the van, he's like a naval base, you know, pulls up and the lights are on.

00:55:22.000 It's night.

00:55:23.000 And he's like, oh, there's a banana rat right there.

00:55:24.000 You guys want to see it?

00:55:25.000 Like, they're not aggressive or anything.

00:55:26.000 They're just feeding on the grass.

00:55:28.000 And we're like, yeah.

00:55:29.000 So he leaves the lights on from the van.

00:55:32.000 And we all start walking closer and closer, taking our time step by step.

00:55:37.000 And then we're like a few feet away and we kind of bend down.

00:55:40.000 And one of the guys takes his fingers and goes like this up my back.

00:55:48.000 I've never screamed higher in my life.

00:55:51.000 Terrified.

00:55:52.000 It scared the shit out of me.

00:55:54.000 They look like dogs, dude.

00:55:56.000 Nutris are huge.

00:55:58.000 And Nutris, people eat them.

00:55:59.000 Apparently they're delicious.

00:56:01.000 That would be fun to have you in your backyard just with a.22 just at night.

00:56:05.000 I shot a rat one time with my BB gun at our old house.

00:56:10.000 I didn't feel so good about it.

00:56:12.000 Really?

00:56:12.000 I felt really shitty.

00:56:14.000 It was a rat, though?

00:56:15.000 It was crawling up on the wire, and I had my BB gun.

00:56:18.000 I was like, I wonder if I can get this.

00:56:19.000 How old were you?

00:56:20.000 I was 40. It was a recent show.

00:56:24.000 It doesn't feel great to kill an animal.

00:56:25.000 I don't know.

00:56:26.000 Killing rats feels good.

00:56:28.000 Yeah, here's Attell's.

00:56:29.000 This is Insomniac.

00:56:30.000 Look, these things are fucking giant.

00:56:32.000 Look how young he is.

00:56:37.000 It's the same thing, yeah.

00:56:45.000 So they were killing them to try to diminish the population, but in a lot of the country, people eat them.

00:56:53.000 See if you can find Nutria cooking, because apparently they taste good.

00:56:57.000 See how much gas it cost back then.

00:56:58.000 They take them, it was probably 30 cents.

00:57:00.000 Your brain is so fucked up.

00:57:01.000 California is so fucked up now with gas.

00:57:04.000 My friend took a photo of a pump near San Francisco.

00:57:07.000 We're talking about how your dog wants to dive and wants to retrieve, and Ari's looking at gas prices.

00:57:17.000 When Ari was doing really well when Ari was not that you're not doing really well now But like when he started doing really well and had a Comedy Central show and he's killing like dude get a fucking BMW Yeah, get yourself a nice three series just something that feels good to drive like it's too expensive Why would I do that?

00:57:33.000 What's the what's the point?

00:57:35.000 It's just extra expense then I'm tied to that I went up and down too much You're on the borderline of getting a day job.

00:57:42.000 It's like, I'm glad I didn't spend that money.

00:57:44.000 That's ingrained in, I think, guys, me and you, maybe not Tom as much, but I've always had a problem spending money.

00:57:50.000 Because I go, it goes away.

00:57:52.000 You say that and you just keep buying houses?

00:57:53.000 What are you talking about?

00:57:54.000 You own like five houses?

00:57:55.000 I don't buy something.

00:57:56.000 Leanne buys something.

00:57:56.000 Oh, Leanne buys.

00:57:58.000 I don't fucking buy anything.

00:57:59.000 I had a hard time buying this watch.

00:58:01.000 You remember me?

00:58:01.000 Yeah.

00:58:01.000 One of my favorite stories.

00:58:04.000 I go to this great watch dealer in Vegas.

00:58:07.000 You know her, I think.

00:58:08.000 You think you bought a watch from her.

00:58:09.000 Chappelle buys watches from her.

00:58:11.000 It's how you get the green light is that you know the person, and then they go, I bring out the inventory.

00:58:15.000 Right.

00:58:16.000 So I look at it, this watch, and she tells me.

00:58:18.000 Is that Rolex?

00:58:19.000 Rolex.

00:58:19.000 It's a Submariner.

00:58:20.000 Ten grand.

00:58:21.000 I've heard of that brand.

00:58:21.000 And she goes, and I just can't pull myself to pull the trigger.

00:58:25.000 Ari's never had a watch either.

00:58:27.000 He doesn't wear a nice watch.

00:58:27.000 Russell tried to give me a $10,000 watch.

00:58:29.000 I was like, don't.

00:58:30.000 And he's like, no, you need a watch.

00:58:32.000 Dude, stop.

00:58:32.000 You wouldn't wear a nice watch, like a good...

00:58:35.000 I don't want it on my...

00:58:36.000 No?

00:58:37.000 Put yours on his wrist and let him enjoy it.

00:58:39.000 Well, okay.

00:58:41.000 So I'm sitting there, Ari.

00:58:43.000 My arms are sore.

00:58:45.000 This is the one that's comfortable to because it's on a silicone strap.

00:58:49.000 That's my everyday walk-around watch.

00:58:52.000 I like it.

00:58:52.000 So I'm sitting at the lady.

00:58:53.000 I'm having a hard time doing it.

00:58:55.000 I text Tom a picture of the watch.

00:58:56.000 He can barely use his arms.

00:58:58.000 Look at this guy.

00:58:58.000 I can't believe it.

00:58:59.000 You should have seen him in the green room last night doing girl sit-ups.

00:59:01.000 Girl chin-ups.

00:59:02.000 Push-ups, rather, from his knees.

00:59:03.000 How many could you do in a row right now, Ari?

00:59:06.000 Real?

00:59:06.000 Yeah.

00:59:07.000 Three max.

00:59:08.000 Wait, what?

00:59:08.000 Oh, his arms are gone.

00:59:10.000 His arms are destroyed.

00:59:11.000 You've got to realize, like, we have all been working out during this time.

00:59:14.000 Ari doesn't work out at all.

00:59:16.000 Ever.

00:59:16.000 It looks good on you, Ari.

00:59:17.000 It does look good.

00:59:18.000 That looks good.

00:59:19.000 Don't you find out it kind of shifts up?

00:59:21.000 No, because you make it tighter, Stu.

00:59:22.000 Make it tighter.

00:59:23.000 If you want a watch, I will get you a watch.

00:59:25.000 Why was the stupid in there?

00:59:26.000 Tell me.

00:59:26.000 Joe, Joe, Joe, can I just greenlight it?

00:59:28.000 I would love to get you a watch.

00:59:29.000 Please get him a watch.

00:59:30.000 I'll get you a watch.

00:59:31.000 It's so much fun to wear.

00:59:32.000 I'll get you a nice Omega Aqua Terra.

00:59:35.000 It's a nice, kind of subtle, not too flashy, but a really well-made watch.

00:59:41.000 Fuck that white gold sky-dweller.

00:59:43.000 Why's my wrist look high-dweller?

00:59:45.000 No, no, no, no, no, no.

00:59:46.000 Fucking bling him out.

00:59:47.000 You'll make him be the whore he wants to be.

00:59:49.000 You'll get me murdered in New York.

00:59:51.000 Yeah, I want to get him something that's under the radar, but it's a nice, really well-made automatic watch.

00:59:56.000 This makes my wrist look daintier.

00:59:58.000 No, it doesn't.

00:59:58.000 No, you actually look like a grown-up all of a sudden.

01:00:00.000 Yeah, it looks good.

01:00:01.000 It looks good on you.

01:00:02.000 I like it.

01:00:03.000 Do you want it?

01:00:04.000 No, dude.

01:00:04.000 I appreciate it.

01:00:05.000 Okay.

01:00:06.000 Yeah, here we go.

01:00:07.000 Diamond Rolex.

01:00:08.000 Yeah, right.

01:00:09.000 I'd wear that.

01:00:10.000 BALLING! Letting bitches know!

01:00:13.000 Right when your special comes out.

01:00:15.000 That's what you do.

01:00:16.000 Guys, I'm killing it with my special.

01:00:18.000 Put it out there.

01:00:19.000 It's only nine grand.

01:00:19.000 Come on.

01:00:20.000 It's doable.

01:00:21.000 What if you do, get one with like a Star of David on the dial.

01:00:27.000 Right?

01:00:28.000 Chew it up.

01:00:29.000 For the promo style?

01:00:31.000 Yeah, why not?

01:00:32.000 If I got you a watch, would you wear it?

01:00:34.000 I'm just not a watch wearer.

01:00:35.000 Shut the fuck up.

01:00:36.000 You're a watch wearer when you wear a watch.

01:00:38.000 You're a swimmer when you get in the pool.

01:00:40.000 What the fuck are you talking about?

01:00:40.000 Joe wasn't a watch guy.

01:00:41.000 Early on, old school Joe Rogan was not a watch guy.

01:00:44.000 I remember him saying, like, I'm not buying fucking fancy watches.

01:00:47.000 I got this G-Shock.

01:00:48.000 I wear this.

01:00:49.000 I love G-Shocks.

01:00:50.000 Oh, is that a Jewish watch?

01:00:53.000 I think that's Arabic letters.

01:00:54.000 That's Arabic letters.

01:00:55.000 That's beautiful.

01:00:56.000 That's a fucking beautiful watch.

01:00:58.000 But I'm not into diamonds, man.

01:01:00.000 I was at a jewelry store once, and this guy was explaining to me how they make diamonds now, like, artificially.

01:01:07.000 And he was like, yeah, but it's a real problem.

01:01:08.000 I go, why is it a real problem?

01:01:10.000 And he was coming at it from a diamond seller's perspective.

01:01:14.000 He's like, well, you know, I go, is it a real diamond?

01:01:17.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah, but it's...

01:01:19.000 It's not legit because it doesn't come from the ground.

01:01:22.000 Is it a fucking diamond?

01:01:24.000 Is it a diamond or not?

01:01:25.000 Yeah, but people get upset if they find out that it's artificial.

01:01:29.000 But it's an actual diamond.

01:01:31.000 If you make an actual diamond with a machine, why do you give a fuck if it came from the ground?

01:01:36.000 I would actually want it more if it came from technology.

01:01:39.000 I think that's kind of cool.

01:01:41.000 And it's real.

01:01:41.000 I want a blood diamond.

01:01:42.000 It's real.

01:01:43.000 It's not like a cubic zirconium.

01:01:45.000 I want someone with one hand missing delivering it to me.

01:01:48.000 I want a testimonial from the fucking orphan children.

01:01:51.000 But women do not want that fucking man-made diamond.

01:01:55.000 They want that one that is hard to get.

01:01:57.000 The one that's hard to get that came from fucking the middle of Africa.

01:02:01.000 So it's not just about the beauty.

01:02:03.000 That's a fucking nice watch.

01:02:04.000 That's an Omega with a little earth in the center of it.

01:02:07.000 What is that?

01:02:08.000 Which model is that?

01:02:09.000 Seamaster.

01:02:10.000 That's fucking beautiful.

01:02:11.000 That's a good looking watch, Ari.

01:02:13.000 That's a fucking gentleman's watch.

01:02:14.000 That's an Acutera.

01:02:15.000 $47,000.

01:02:18.000 That's a little pricey.

01:02:21.000 That's a fucking beautiful watch, though.

01:02:22.000 Look at that goddamn thing.

01:02:23.000 That's $47,000.

01:02:25.000 Isn't it crazy?

01:02:26.000 It's because of the complications, though, for sure.

01:02:28.000 Is that one of those self-winders?

01:02:30.000 Well, I think it's got a...

01:02:31.000 What is the complication on that?

01:02:33.000 Well, it probably looks like it's...

01:02:34.000 If you go back to the dial, I'm sure it has, like, the first picture.

01:02:39.000 Only 87. Yeah.

01:02:39.000 Oh, it's a limited number.

01:02:40.000 I'm going to tell you the one R1s.

01:02:42.000 Make more, stupid.

01:02:42.000 That doesn't make any sense.

01:02:44.000 Limited number of them.

01:02:44.000 What's the one that Rolex made for Pan Am?

01:02:47.000 Rolex made a steel watch for Pan Am that, for a comedian, is the best watch and affordable.

01:02:53.000 Its dial up here is GMT. And its dial up here is so that when you go on the road, you can change it and it'll tell you the time of where you are, but you can keep it on New York time.

01:03:03.000 Oh, you do the math.

01:03:04.000 Oh, interesting.

01:03:05.000 I have no fucking idea.

01:03:07.000 I'm in New York.

01:03:07.000 It's three hours later.

01:03:08.000 Yeah, yeah, that is a problem.

01:03:10.000 This is the one you want, Ari.

01:03:12.000 This is a beautiful watch.

01:03:13.000 That, you'll get robbed.

01:03:14.000 You'll get robbed.

01:03:15.000 Shut the fuck up, Ari.

01:03:16.000 Of course he'll rob you.

01:03:17.000 That's a goddamn Rolex.

01:03:19.000 If you have something that's under the radar, then you'll probably be alright.

01:03:24.000 It's a hot watch, though.

01:03:25.000 It's a hot watch.

01:03:26.000 You want something that doesn't look blingy.

01:03:28.000 Yeah, you don't want to turn people off with looking at your wrist.

01:03:32.000 You don't want it to be blingy.

01:03:34.000 Bert, you perform far away from people.

01:03:35.000 I perform right up on people.

01:03:37.000 They'll see it.

01:03:39.000 Yeah, if you're like right in the front row and some guy's wearing a $50,000 watch, that's a little distracting.

01:03:44.000 You're looking at my arm the whole time.

01:03:46.000 But you always say you have trouble spending money, and I don't believe it.

01:03:49.000 Hold on.

01:03:50.000 Let me tell you.

01:03:50.000 This is my favorite story.

01:03:51.000 Yeah, that's another bullshit.

01:03:52.000 So I sent Tom a text at this Rolex place in Vegas.

01:03:56.000 Story checks out.

01:03:57.000 And I text, and I say, a picture of the watch.

01:04:00.000 And he goes, are you getting it?

01:04:00.000 And I said, I don't think so.

01:04:02.000 I have trouble spending money.

01:04:03.000 I have a trouble spending money.

01:04:04.000 I leave the place.

01:04:05.000 I said the guy from a Rolex store.

01:04:07.000 I leave the place.

01:04:07.000 Well, I like looking at him, so I leave the place.

01:04:09.000 It must be fun for the dealer.

01:04:11.000 Tom sends me a very heartfelt text.

01:04:13.000 Hey, man, you're busting your ass on the road.

01:04:15.000 You work nonstop.

01:04:17.000 You're gone two weeks at a time.

01:04:18.000 You have two podcasts.

01:04:19.000 It goes on in this really heartfelt text.

01:04:21.000 You deserve to treat yourself every now and then.

01:04:24.000 This is an affordable treat.

01:04:25.000 Do it for yourself.

01:04:27.000 And so I go back.

01:04:27.000 I buy the watch.

01:04:29.000 Next day, I'm sitting and having coffee, looking at the watch going, God damn it, I love this fucking watch.

01:04:33.000 I really love looking at it.

01:04:35.000 It cheers me up.

01:04:36.000 And I call Tom.

01:04:37.000 I said, hey man, I appreciate you sending me that message.

01:04:39.000 Leanne tried to convince me, and I wouldn't do it, but your message meant so much to me.

01:04:43.000 He's like, oh cool.

01:04:44.000 I go, what are you doing?

01:04:45.000 He goes, well, you know...

01:04:46.000 I sent you that message and I realized that shit applies to me too.

01:04:50.000 I'm in a Rolex store.

01:04:51.000 I'm buying a new Rolex.

01:04:53.000 He bought a new Rolex the next day!

01:04:56.000 Tommy's my favorite guy to call about cars.

01:04:58.000 Because Tommy and me have the same love of cars.

01:05:01.000 We go off.

01:05:02.000 We go off and buy cars.

01:05:04.000 I remember when he just bought the Porsche, the blue one, and then you got another one.

01:05:08.000 People were like, what?

01:05:09.000 What are you driving around?

01:05:10.000 I don't know the name of it.

01:05:12.000 It's a Mercedes, but I don't know.

01:05:22.000 That is a great fucking car.

01:05:25.000 I rented one like about two years ago or so on the road.

01:05:28.000 Oh my god, that's a great car.

01:05:30.000 They're so well-made.

01:05:32.000 They're so well-designed.

01:05:33.000 You get something out of those cars.

01:05:36.000 There's something that there's a feel that you get when you drive them.

01:05:38.000 You're like, yeah!

01:05:39.000 I feel like a grown-up.

01:05:40.000 It feels good.

01:05:41.000 Listen to Steely Dan, have a cigar in it.

01:05:43.000 Oh, yeah.

01:05:43.000 Nice sound system.

01:05:44.000 They all have great audio now.

01:05:46.000 It used to be you had to buy a car and then put stereos in them.

01:05:49.000 Post-market sound system, yeah.

01:05:50.000 I always used to do that.

01:05:51.000 First thing I used to do was buy a car.

01:05:52.000 I'd bring it to my guy.

01:05:53.000 Now they're unreal.

01:05:54.000 Yeah, now the stereos are incredible.

01:05:55.000 They're in the car.

01:05:56.000 It's like, fuck, man.

01:05:57.000 Yeah, car things are real.

01:05:58.000 You're lucky you don't have the car bug.

01:06:00.000 Oh, dude.

01:06:01.000 That's an expensive collection.

01:06:02.000 I don't drive very often.

01:06:04.000 I always look at guys who are driving on sunset in a nice car, and I go, are you guys not partying tonight?

01:06:09.000 Oh, you're Ubering everywhere.

01:06:11.000 I Uber everywhere.

01:06:12.000 You used to have that BMW. 5 Series.

01:06:15.000 That was a nice car.

01:06:15.000 I said to Georgia, I said, Georgia, this is going to be your car.

01:06:19.000 She goes, I'm not driving a 5 Series BMW to school looking like a rich kid.

01:06:22.000 And I go, yeah, but we leased it.

01:06:23.000 We can buy it back for like $32,000.

01:06:26.000 She goes, Dad, I want a regular car like an Explorer.

01:06:29.000 I go, It's $52,000.

01:06:31.000 She goes, yeah, but I don't want to look like a rich kid.

01:06:33.000 I said, so I'm going to spend an extra $20,000 so you don't look like a fucking rich kid?

01:06:37.000 She was like, yeah.

01:06:38.000 This kid played you.

01:06:39.000 That's smart.

01:06:40.000 No, that's actually smart.

01:06:42.000 She's smart.

01:06:43.000 You have a smart daughter.

01:06:44.000 She knows the impact of it.

01:06:45.000 She knows you're rich.

01:06:46.000 She loves her car.

01:06:48.000 That 5 Series was the first car I got that I was like, Oh, this can be fun.

01:06:53.000 Yeah, but when you showed up in the S-Class, you were big ballin', dude.

01:06:56.000 I like that car.

01:06:57.000 That's a fucking great car.

01:06:58.000 The S-Class is the shit.

01:07:00.000 That is the shit.

01:07:02.000 You're in that thing, you feel like a fucking comfortable gentleman.

01:07:05.000 Chocolate interior.

01:07:06.000 Yeah, you could smoke cigars.

01:07:07.000 Driving back from the store the other night, listening to little fucking Daryl Hall and O's flying through the hills.

01:07:13.000 She's a man-eater.

01:07:15.000 Oh, here she comes.

01:07:17.000 What was the song?

01:07:18.000 I was fucking jamming out.

01:07:20.000 Dance all day's love.

01:07:22.000 Dance all day's love.

01:07:24.000 Oh, yeah.

01:07:24.000 Dance all day's.

01:07:26.000 It's nice to pull out of the store and just be sober.

01:07:30.000 Oh my god, my favorite thing was coming down Laurel, and I'd be listening to some fucking jamming Rage Against the Machine, headed to the store.

01:07:39.000 Wang Chung.

01:07:40.000 Oh my god.

01:07:41.000 Oh, it's Wang Chung.

01:07:42.000 It's Wang Chung.

01:07:42.000 I didn't have my glasses on.

01:07:44.000 Well, it's a white guy.

01:07:45.000 I thought it was Daryl Hall.

01:07:46.000 Same guy.

01:07:47.000 It looks about the same.

01:07:48.000 Good mullet.

01:07:49.000 That's a great song, too, though.

01:07:50.000 Driving to the store is fun.

01:07:52.000 On Laurel, you go fast, that's a fun drive.

01:07:55.000 It's also like you're on your way to the fucking promised land.

01:07:59.000 For us, as comics, the comedy store was mecca.

01:08:03.000 I remember being an open miker.

01:08:05.000 An open miker.

01:08:07.000 And I always knew that I had to get to the comedy store.

01:08:10.000 I'm like, if I'm going to be a comic, I have to get to the comedy store.

01:08:12.000 When Mitzi passed me as a paid regular, it was one of the best days of my life.

01:08:17.000 I remember that day.

01:08:18.000 I'm a real comic.

01:08:20.000 I can't believe I'm passed at the comedy store.

01:08:23.000 It was like...

01:08:25.000 That place, it was just not a comedy club, man.

01:08:27.000 Did she tell you or did they call you the next day?

01:08:29.000 She told me.

01:08:30.000 You're really funny.

01:08:32.000 You're a paid regular now.

01:08:34.000 I was like, holy shit.

01:08:36.000 Holy shit.

01:08:37.000 I was on a TV show.

01:08:38.000 I didn't give a fuck about that show.

01:08:40.000 I was 42 and I had TV shows, a successful touring comic.

01:08:45.000 I got passed at the store.

01:08:46.000 I didn't tell anyone.

01:08:47.000 I didn't say a word to anyone.

01:08:48.000 It was a big deal for me.

01:08:50.000 I was really nervous.

01:08:51.000 I got bumped by Louie.

01:08:52.000 I got bumped by Tosh.

01:08:54.000 I got bumped by Judd Apatow for my one paid regular spot.

01:08:59.000 It's midnight, and I get off stage, and I said this last night when I brought him on stage.

01:09:04.000 Tony Hinchcliffe pulls me aside, and he goes, I always have a soft spot in my heart for that guy.

01:09:07.000 He goes, hey, congratulations.

01:09:09.000 I said, what?

01:09:09.000 And he goes, first paid regular spot.

01:09:11.000 He's like, let's go do a shot together.

01:09:12.000 No one knew.

01:09:13.000 Fuck yeah.

01:09:14.000 And I went outside, and he was like, it's a big deal.

01:09:16.000 It's a big fucking deal.

01:09:17.000 I did a toast, I did a thing, and I was like, fuck yeah, thank you, Tony.

01:09:21.000 I had a career, but it meant so much to me.

01:09:25.000 There's two things that I remember from the store that were like landmark moments.

01:09:28.000 One was becoming a paid regular, and two, Paul Mooney told me I was funny.

01:09:32.000 Wow, that's pretty cool.

01:09:33.000 Paul Mooney told you you were funny?

01:09:35.000 Paul Mooney.

01:09:35.000 Paul Mooney never said to anybody.

01:09:37.000 And Paul Mooney did not like me when I first got there.

01:09:39.000 I was this cute little fucking dummy.

01:09:42.000 You're funny.

01:09:43.000 I was just like, you know, I was like, okay, but one night he saw me, it was like 14 people in the crowd.

01:09:47.000 And I went up and I did my act hard.

01:09:49.000 I did the full thing.

01:09:51.000 And he was in the back of the room.

01:09:57.000 I don't remember what bit it was, but I remember he shook my hand, he put his hand on my shoulder, he goes, you're a funny motherfucker.

01:10:04.000 That's cool.

01:10:07.000 I had to leave.

01:10:08.000 I had to go out in the hallway.

01:10:09.000 I was like, whoa.

01:10:10.000 Try to be cool.

01:10:10.000 Try to be like, oh, cool.

01:10:11.000 Thanks, man.

01:10:12.000 Oh, my God.

01:10:13.000 I was tingling.

01:10:14.000 Like, Paul Mooney, people don't know how goddamn good Paul Mooney was.

01:10:18.000 He had power.

01:10:19.000 Dude.

01:10:19.000 Oh, my God.

01:10:19.000 He would write, too.

01:10:21.000 When shit would go down, something would happen, and he would have like 10 minutes of it that night.

01:10:25.000 Yeah.

01:10:26.000 Like, there was the Spirit Airline.

01:10:27.000 Well, it wasn't Spirit.

01:10:28.000 It was like one of them budget airlines that crashed in Florida, and he had this bit about these poor people clutching onto their purse while alligators were eating them.

01:10:37.000 It was like the day after the crash!

01:10:40.000 And then he was like, that's right, motherfucker, I write.

01:10:44.000 I write.

01:10:45.000 Patrice pulled me aside one night in New York, and we were at Caroline's.

01:10:50.000 We did some show, so we go to Edinburgh.

01:10:53.000 And everyone starts leaving, and he grabs me and goes, don't leave.

01:10:55.000 I said, why?

01:10:56.000 He goes, Paul Mooney, this is a gift, because I didn't know who Paul Mooney was.

01:10:58.000 Yeah, right.

01:10:59.000 White people didn't know who he was.

01:11:00.000 Paul Mooney's here.

01:11:01.000 And I go, who the fuck's that?

01:11:02.000 And he goes, you're sitting.

01:11:03.000 You're watching him.

01:11:04.000 So I ordered a beer, and I sat down, and I go, I was like, it's getting late, Patrice.

01:11:09.000 And he goes, shut up, motherfucker.

01:11:11.000 Look who's behind you.

01:11:13.000 And I turn around, and it's Eddie Murphy.

01:11:15.000 And he goes, if Eddie Murphy's coming to watch him, we're staying.

01:11:19.000 And me and Patrice watched Paul Mooney and Paul Mooney had a bottle of champagne on stage, drank the whole fucking thing.

01:11:25.000 Yeah, those little bottles he would have.

01:11:26.000 He would drink them and he would make a joke and then like hold the bottle up with two fingers.

01:11:32.000 And you'd hear Eddie Murphy, whatever his laugh is.

01:11:35.000 Dude, your impressions are on point here.

01:11:40.000 Say it at this and I'll bang it out.

01:11:42.000 Do it.

01:11:42.000 Go, go, go.

01:11:43.000 Taiwanese.

01:11:44.000 Hello!

01:11:46.000 Nailed it.

01:11:47.000 Pretty good, pretty good.

01:11:48.000 I do it all day.

01:11:49.000 I do it all day.

01:11:50.000 Give me a comedian.

01:11:51.000 I'll do an impression of him.

01:11:52.000 I'll never forget being in the main room.

01:11:55.000 Being in the main room one night and I called you up and you were on a motorcycle in Vietnam.

01:11:59.000 Oh yeah.

01:12:00.000 And I was like, you gotta quit that show.

01:12:02.000 That was a good bit.

01:12:03.000 I should do that.

01:12:03.000 That was a good story.

01:12:05.000 Because he called and I was like, he's like, what are you doing?

01:12:08.000 I was drunk.

01:12:08.000 I'm high.

01:12:09.000 I'm running through motorcycles through rice paddies in Vietnam.

01:12:11.000 And he was like, you are the fucking machine.

01:12:14.000 You got to fucking get away from this Travel Channel shit.

01:12:16.000 Be a comic.

01:12:17.000 Do this.

01:12:18.000 Fucking write.

01:12:18.000 If you don't talk about this on stage, you're wasting your life.

01:12:21.000 Fuck this.

01:12:21.000 He was like, this is who you are.

01:12:23.000 These experiences who you are.

01:12:24.000 And I was like, fuck yeah!

01:12:26.000 And I'm still high and drunk, hanging up with Joe, and I'm flying on the motorcycle now.

01:12:29.000 I'm like, I'm a fucking machine!

01:12:31.000 And then my wife calls, and I was like, she's like, what's up?

01:12:34.000 And I was like, well, it works so well with Joe.

01:12:36.000 I'm drunk, I'm high on a motorcycle, and I'm flying through Rice Paddy's in Vietnam.

01:12:39.000 She's like, you dumb motherfucker!

01:12:41.000 You're a father of two, you have high blood pressure, walk that thing home!

01:12:45.000 Walk it home.

01:12:46.000 What a different way of looking at the same situation.

01:12:48.000 Can you imagine, though, being a woman, and you're waiting on this guy, and he's making a living.

01:12:54.000 You're the breadwinner of the household, and you're a wild person.

01:12:57.000 You're out there drinking.

01:12:58.000 You're on a motorcycle.

01:13:00.000 You're in another country.

01:13:01.000 He's a crazy person.

01:13:02.000 If you break your leg, they're just going to saw it off.

01:13:05.000 Like, what the fuck?

01:13:06.000 Terrified.

01:13:07.000 I mean, imagine counting on someone like you, whereas a friend is like, yes!

01:13:12.000 Go for it!

01:13:14.000 But I don't, you know, I don't rely on you for money.

01:13:17.000 Like, I couldn't imagine.

01:13:18.000 That's funny, I rely on you for money.

01:13:22.000 Not anymore, you don't.

01:13:24.000 Hey guys, this weekend, Youngstown, Charlottesville, Florence, and Carlston.

01:13:28.000 BertBertBert.com.

01:13:29.000 Is it BertKreiser.com now?

01:13:30.000 BertBertBert.

01:13:31.000 Still BertBertBert.

01:13:32.000 Something's Burning is back.

01:13:33.000 Are you going to come do an episode of Something's Burning?

01:13:34.000 Fuck yes.

01:13:35.000 Fuck yes.

01:13:36.000 You tell me about the Eddie Bravo one.

01:13:38.000 Because Eddie Bravo is one of the funniest guys that's ever lived.

01:13:41.000 Eddie Bravo comes in and Sam doesn't drink.

01:13:45.000 And I go, you want a drink, Eddie?

01:13:46.000 And he's like...

01:13:49.000 That's a good Eddie impression, right?

01:13:51.000 And so I make him Tito's and soda, and me and him start going drink for drink, Tito's and soda, and he is on a fucking burner.

01:14:01.000 He is telling bits.

01:14:03.000 He is killing top to bottom.

01:14:05.000 At one point, I go, Eddie, you stand in front of the Lord, and you got one thing to tell him you do great.

01:14:09.000 What is it?

01:14:09.000 And he goes, I choke out motherfuckers with my legs.

01:14:14.000 He told this story.

01:14:17.000 He told a story about fucking a girl with a stinky pussy and stinky feet.

01:14:20.000 It's one of the funniest stories.

01:14:21.000 He told me that in Australia.

01:14:22.000 Yes.

01:14:23.000 How funny is that story?

01:14:25.000 Mixed in colors?

01:14:26.000 Oh my god.

01:14:27.000 He said it was blue and yellow and mixed green.

01:14:30.000 And he goes, I had to get her vitamins.

01:14:34.000 I had to get her vitamins.

01:14:35.000 I was in love with this girl.

01:14:35.000 He brought out a book.

01:14:36.000 He's showing her about nutrition.

01:14:38.000 What's going on with your vagina?

01:14:39.000 He is so fucking funny.

01:14:41.000 We did.

01:14:41.000 And then, by the way, I had to do an integration for Solo Stoves.

01:14:45.000 So we had to do the episode.

01:14:46.000 And then at the end, to pay for the thing, we all go outside and do an integration.

01:14:50.000 We cook outside.

01:14:51.000 And Eddie Bravo's going off about mosquitoes.

01:14:53.000 I don't remember having itching sauce by when I was a kid.

01:14:56.000 Then we go into my house.

01:14:57.000 We're still drinking.

01:14:58.000 Isla comes down.

01:14:59.000 She goes, and I go, hey, Isla, you've always wanted to do jujitsu.

01:15:02.000 And Eddie's like, and you know, Eddie's like, you'll never get raped.

01:15:06.000 Oh my god.

01:15:07.000 He's awful.

01:15:09.000 And then he sets her up with private lessons.

01:15:11.000 Eddie is the, I'm telling you man, he's the fucking greatest.

01:15:14.000 He let me train, when I was at my port, he let me train free for like two years.

01:15:18.000 Dude, he, man, that guy, he murdered the heart.

01:15:22.000 Him, something's murdering him.

01:15:25.000 I gotta say.

01:15:26.000 Oh him, Mark Norman, that one's blowing up.

01:15:28.000 Jeffrey's on this week.

01:15:29.000 He's on right now.

01:15:31.000 I have to say...

01:15:32.000 Jeffrey?

01:15:33.000 Tim Jeffries is fucking...

01:15:35.000 So many great episodes, but I'll tell you the one I'm looking forward to.

01:15:39.000 Tim Dillon and Whitney Cummings.

01:15:41.000 Oh my god, that's gonna be great.

01:15:43.000 You know how I almost pass out when I laugh?

01:15:45.000 Yeah.

01:15:45.000 Four times.

01:15:47.000 Tim Dillon, it started very casually.

01:15:50.000 What are you making today, Bert?

01:15:52.000 And I go, well, and Whitney, you know, Tim, if you were making meals, what would you make us?

01:15:57.000 And he looks at it and he goes, Percocet pudding, Whitney.

01:16:01.000 That's his first joke, because it's got Percocets in it, which you like, and it's pudding.

01:16:10.000 He killed the hardest.

01:16:13.000 He's the best ranter.

01:16:15.000 With him, the best ranter.

01:16:17.000 He did a rant on this podcast about the decline of the American empire.

01:16:20.000 I saw it.

01:16:20.000 I just let him go.

01:16:22.000 You've got to let him go.

01:16:23.000 It's one of the best rants I've ever heard.

01:16:24.000 The best rant I've ever heard in my life.

01:16:26.000 I listened to it with Isla.

01:16:27.000 It's incredible.

01:16:28.000 We're in the car.

01:16:29.000 I'm drinking her football game.

01:16:30.000 We're listening to it.

01:16:31.000 And I look over, she's smiling, and she's nodding, and she goes, who is this guy?

01:16:35.000 I said, you've met him.

01:16:36.000 She goes, I know this guy?

01:16:37.000 I go, yeah, he's coming to the house next week.

01:16:39.000 She goes, can I meet him again?

01:16:41.000 I said, yeah.

01:16:41.000 So I'm doing the podcast with Tim, and Isla comes down.

01:16:45.000 She's like, I go, hey, Tim, give Isla some life advice.

01:16:48.000 And Tim just goes on a fucking...

01:16:50.000 She's 16. He's so fucking quick.

01:16:55.000 Dude...

01:16:55.000 All those guys, that generation, the Mark Norman, Tim Dillon.

01:16:59.000 Shane Gillis.

01:17:00.000 Have you seen the new Gillian Key special?

01:17:02.000 I haven't.

01:17:03.000 I'm sitting at Dane Cook's special with Leanne.

01:17:06.000 It's so funny.

01:17:07.000 It is so funny.

01:17:08.000 I bought it on the thing.

01:17:10.000 I'm sitting with Leanne and we're watching his special before Dane's special starts.

01:17:15.000 Crying laughing and the people around me are looking over my shoulder Crying fucking laughing.

01:17:20.000 He is Shane Gillis is fucking special man.

01:17:23.000 He's very very good.

01:17:25.000 He looks special.

01:17:26.000 He does look special a little bit.

01:17:28.000 He talks about that.

01:17:29.000 I know which is Have you seen the new bit he does about George Washington Museum?

01:17:34.000 Oh my god, it's a good bit It's one of those bits where after it's over.

01:17:38.000 I'm like, thank you.

01:17:39.000 He did it at the Ryman We did a this not happening at the Ryman it crushed The best was on Fully Loaded.

01:17:45.000 We took Georgia with them.

01:17:46.000 My oldest was PA, her and her friends.

01:17:48.000 And they're all pretty woke, right?

01:17:50.000 Like, they're kids.

01:17:51.000 You know, they do their pronouns when they...

01:17:53.000 You know, whatever.

01:17:54.000 No.

01:17:54.000 Yeah.

01:17:55.000 Well, they're kids, Joe.

01:17:56.000 It's LA. And so...

01:17:58.000 But they've never really seen live comedy.

01:18:00.000 So...

01:18:01.000 Shane Gillis goes on stage, and immediately I'm like, when he starts talking about Trump, I'm waiting for George to just cringe.

01:18:08.000 And I watch George and her friend, and he goes into the George Washington thing, and the black guy comes out, and he goes, get back there!

01:18:16.000 And George and her friend are like, and they're laughing.

01:18:19.000 And I go, what are you doing?

01:18:21.000 She goes...

01:18:23.000 It's just...

01:18:24.000 The way he says it, Dad, it's so funny.

01:18:26.000 And I know you're not supposed to laugh at this.

01:18:28.000 I go, baby, it's okay.

01:18:29.000 It's good to get a long laugh.

01:18:31.000 By the end, they were obsessed with Shane.

01:18:33.000 And every time Shane would go on, Shane, Attell, Big J. Big J is doing fucking...

01:18:39.000 That pronoun joke about fucking Demi Lovato.

01:18:43.000 Oh, yeah.

01:18:43.000 And they're crying, laughing.

01:18:45.000 And then the whole time, they just hung out with these guys.

01:18:48.000 Last night, Shane Gillis comes up to George and her friend.

01:18:51.000 He goes, you guys sneaking beers?

01:18:54.000 And they're like, no.

01:18:55.000 He goes, don't fucking lie to me.

01:18:56.000 I'm not your dad.

01:18:57.000 She goes, no.

01:18:58.000 And this is how much they like them.

01:18:59.000 And they go, we're sneaking a couple beers.

01:19:01.000 He goes, I won't say anything.

01:19:02.000 Sit down right next to me.

01:19:03.000 Your daughter's drunk.

01:19:07.000 Dude, watching kids, like, young kids that are supposed to be woke, watch great comedy.

01:19:13.000 Because they love the release.

01:19:15.000 They don't get it.

01:19:15.000 They love the release of laughing at something wrong.

01:19:18.000 And they never get it.

01:19:19.000 And they're like, oh, we've been missing this part.

01:19:20.000 Well, you know why?

01:19:21.000 It's because there's not a lot of it out there.

01:19:23.000 They're not exposed to it enough.

01:19:25.000 You know, comedy, like, the idea that that is, like...

01:19:28.000 That it's bad to laugh at things that are obviously hilarious.

01:19:32.000 It's like that this person has bad intentions when they're saying these things.

01:19:35.000 That's not true.

01:19:36.000 It's funny.

01:19:37.000 It's a relief.

01:19:39.000 Well, it's also like an unspoken agreement.

01:19:41.000 Yeah, we know it's bullshit.

01:19:43.000 We've come here to hear some wrong things.

01:19:45.000 We know it's fake.

01:19:46.000 It's just talking shit.

01:19:47.000 I mean, that's one of the things that infuriated me so much about people getting mad at Louie's leak set when that was all going down, where they were saying, you know...

01:19:55.000 It's a workout set.

01:19:56.000 Not always in a workout set, it's exactly what he's always done.

01:20:00.000 That was the part that was great when they were like, this guy's jumped.

01:20:03.000 He's gone MAGA. And you were a fan before?

01:20:08.000 He hasn't changed his philosophy in life at all.

01:20:12.000 It's just funny.

01:20:14.000 He just says the things you're not supposed to say that are hilarious.

01:20:17.000 He's still so fucking funny.

01:20:19.000 Oh, we saw him here at the Creek in the Cave.

01:20:21.000 It was fucking great.

01:20:22.000 Yeah.

01:20:23.000 It was fucking great.

01:20:24.000 And he's free now.

01:20:25.000 People forget that a fucking master...

01:20:27.000 It's like...

01:20:27.000 We're living in the presence of fucking some of the greatest people of all time in our profession.

01:20:33.000 Yes, and the crop coming up now is fucking amazing.

01:20:37.000 There's so many good comics coming up now.

01:20:39.000 There's so many good comics.

01:20:41.000 When David Lucas and Tony Hinchcliffe go after each other on Kill Tony, I was a guest on Kill Tony the other day.

01:20:48.000 I couldn't breathe.

01:20:49.000 I was laughing so hard.

01:20:50.000 I was just holding my side, wheezing.

01:20:52.000 He's funny as shit.

01:20:53.000 Lucas is a bad motherfucker.

01:20:55.000 And he's so good at talking shit to Tony, and Tony's so good off the cuff.

01:21:00.000 Tony's the best host of that kind of a show that's ever existed.

01:21:05.000 He's so good.

01:21:06.000 And he's been doing it so long now.

01:21:08.000 He's so polished and so sharp.

01:21:10.000 Oh my god.

01:21:12.000 This is such a good time for comedy, man.

01:21:14.000 That's why I'm so pumped to open up my club.

01:21:16.000 Oh, I'm so excited.

01:21:17.000 You got a date?

01:21:18.000 Well, we're in the middle of it right now.

01:21:20.000 Carrie Mitchell just sent me a photo of the new bar in the middle of the construction.

01:21:23.000 It looks fucking great.

01:21:24.000 Don't show it to me.

01:21:25.000 Don't show it to me.

01:21:25.000 My dick will get hard.

01:21:26.000 A bar?

01:21:27.000 The place looks amazing.

01:21:28.000 Yeah, it looks great.

01:21:31.000 You seen it, Bert?

01:21:32.000 I didn't come out for the first week.

01:21:33.000 That's the bar.

01:21:34.000 Oh, you're definitely coming out for the opening week, brother.

01:21:37.000 That's Carrie at the bar.

01:21:38.000 Oh, it's being built right now.

01:21:40.000 That's Missy's.

01:21:40.000 Do opening week, like, when do you know?

01:21:43.000 We don't know, but it'll probably be somewhere around January.

01:21:46.000 Give us a lot of notice.

01:21:47.000 Do it in late January.

01:21:47.000 I'm going to be in Europe all January.

01:21:48.000 Okay.

01:21:49.000 I'll wait.

01:21:49.000 I'll wait for you.

01:21:50.000 When are you doing Europe?

01:21:52.000 Well, we're going to have some soft openings anyway.

01:21:54.000 We're going to have some...

01:21:54.000 I think I'm going to April, too.

01:21:56.000 Maybe we'll fucking meet up somewhere.

01:21:58.000 Where are you guys going?

01:21:58.000 In April?

01:21:59.000 European tours.

01:22:00.000 You doing a tour?

01:22:00.000 Yeah.

01:22:01.000 The only thing I'm doing is England.

01:22:03.000 I'm going over to London.

01:22:04.000 Oh, dude.

01:22:05.000 At the middle of the month.

01:22:06.000 I took Norman and almost killed that motherfucker.

01:22:09.000 Oh, yeah.

01:22:10.000 That was his first trip out there.

01:22:11.000 He goes, how do I hang with Bert?

01:22:12.000 I'm like, throw some drinks into like a planter or something.

01:22:16.000 Yeah, he said that thing about you.

01:22:17.000 He was like, we get up, we drink, and the next morning I'm like, oh, I feel like I'm shitting blood.

01:22:23.000 And then Bert's like, you want to go for a run?

01:22:24.000 I'm like, no.

01:22:25.000 I want to fucking...

01:22:26.000 Well, I think that's what keeps you healthy, that keeps you balanced, is that you do exercise.

01:22:31.000 Like, you put two stressors on your body.

01:22:33.000 You put the alcohol stressor and then you jack up your metabolism and all your fucking hormones and everything for running and exercise.

01:22:40.000 It's the part that I miss in...

01:22:42.000 It's weird because I don't have the punitive voice in my head where I wake up and I go, all right, you did this to yourself.

01:22:48.000 Let's fucking go.

01:22:49.000 Let's get up.

01:22:49.000 Like this morning, my alarm went off at 6.30 and I was like, eh, I'll just keep sleeping.

01:22:53.000 I feel good.

01:22:54.000 I'll do a podcast.

01:22:55.000 I'll work out tonight.

01:22:57.000 But if I drank last night, I'd be up at 6.30 in the gym.

01:23:00.000 It would motivate you to go.

01:23:01.000 It motivates me to do a fucking workout.

01:23:03.000 That's great, man.

01:23:03.000 That's a great balance.

01:23:05.000 I wish you didn't drink as much.

01:23:06.000 That's what I was trying to tell you last night.

01:23:08.000 You just smoked more weed.

01:23:09.000 Weed doesn't have the effect on your body.

01:23:12.000 That's what I miss the most during Sober October's weed.

01:23:15.000 I don't necessarily miss the booze.

01:23:17.000 My face looks better.

01:23:19.000 I don't have the deep bags under my eyes when I don't drink.

01:23:22.000 I know it's doing something bad to me.

01:23:24.000 My brother sent me a picture of Bert and was like, oh look, his skin looks better already.

01:23:28.000 And then I was laughing at it, but I was actually being serious.

01:23:31.000 My skin looks better and I deflate.

01:23:36.000 I was telling this to Ari, the number one thing that I noticed, I deflate, my face deflates in a second.

01:23:42.000 I have had times where I've been partying so hard that my phone won't recognize my face because I just bloated.

01:23:52.000 Jesus Christ.

01:23:54.000 Really?

01:23:55.000 His phone is like, who the fuck is this?

01:23:57.000 Who's this Chinese guy?

01:23:59.000 You need a phone with a fingerprint thing.

01:24:00.000 You need to get an Android.

01:24:02.000 You know the thing that I feel like I try to tackle the most, that I struggle with the most, is sleep.

01:24:07.000 What do you mean?

01:24:07.000 Just that, like, overall, if you go, like...

01:24:09.000 I like working out.

01:24:11.000 So if I get into a habit of working out, it's not...

01:24:14.000 I mean, the workouts can be challenging, but it's not like, man, I don't like doing this.

01:24:18.000 So you tackle that.

01:24:20.000 And then eating, that could be a challenge.

01:24:22.000 But again, if you start...

01:24:24.000 Eating salads, you're fine.

01:24:25.000 Well, just start eating a healthy habit.

01:24:27.000 You just build the habit.

01:24:29.000 The thing that is, I think, the hardest for me to master, and I try to think about it more, is just getting good sleep.

01:24:36.000 Have you ever tried one of those eight sleep mattresses that cool you off?

01:24:40.000 No.

01:24:41.000 I have one, and I haven't set it up yet, but every one that uses it says it's a fucking game changer.

01:24:46.000 Can I give you a tip?

01:24:47.000 I kind of think about it more, too.

01:24:48.000 I realized that I used to think that sleep happens to you.

01:24:52.000 So you go, like, tonight was good.

01:24:54.000 I don't know, man.

01:24:55.000 You know what I mean?

01:24:56.000 It just happens.

01:24:57.000 And sort of start thinking in terms of, like, you know, I am in charge of at least attempting to make this a good night of sleep.

01:25:06.000 Can I give you a tip?

01:25:06.000 Yeah.

01:25:07.000 Don't look at your phone for an hour and a half before you go to sleep.

01:25:09.000 That's a good one.

01:25:10.000 That shit that's in there does something to your eyes.

01:25:12.000 I look at my phone right before I go to sleep.

01:25:14.000 I sleep like a brick.

01:25:15.000 You're a monkey.

01:25:15.000 Yeah.

01:25:15.000 I listen to podcasts while I sleep.

01:25:17.000 You do?

01:25:17.000 And then have dreams that I'm fucking in history.

01:25:20.000 My wife has a hard time sleeping.

01:25:22.000 She drives her crazy and I could fall asleep on the dirt.

01:25:24.000 Yeah, I can.

01:25:24.000 I could just lay down on dirt ground.

01:25:27.000 Have you guys started the withdrawal dreams yet?

01:25:29.000 I had one last night.

01:25:30.000 Oh, my withdrawal dreams are horrific, like being chased by wolves and shit.

01:25:33.000 What?

01:25:34.000 Yeah, they're all violent.

01:25:36.000 All my withdrawal dreams from marijuana.

01:25:37.000 I have not had any withdrawal.

01:25:38.000 That's so crazy.

01:25:39.000 I think it probably reveals to me who you are.

01:25:41.000 Wait, what the fuck?

01:25:41.000 They're so violent.

01:25:43.000 That's so crazy.

01:25:44.000 Really?

01:25:45.000 All violence.

01:25:46.000 My dreams are all violent.

01:25:47.000 That's so nuts.

01:25:49.000 Last night, my dream was that Aaron Judge came in for a pinch hit home run in the last game.

01:25:53.000 Really?

01:25:53.000 That was your dream?

01:25:54.000 I'm being chased by wolves and I'm trying to figure out if I should climb a tree.

01:25:58.000 I fought a dude because he was pissed off that I fucked up his boat.

01:26:01.000 They're all violent.

01:26:03.000 But I've been involved in violence for so long.

01:26:06.000 Yeah, you witness violence a lot.

01:26:07.000 I am so used to people getting injured.

01:26:10.000 I've told this story before, but one time my wife, we had a hatchback, and she was taking something out of the back of the trunk, and she stood up, and she didn't know that the corner of the hatchback was right there, and she cut her head, and she's bleeding, like pouring blood down her face.

01:26:24.000 And I look at her, and I'm like, it's nothing.

01:26:26.000 It's like a tiny little cut.

01:26:27.000 Like, it didn't bother me at all.

01:26:29.000 I was like, that's nothing.

01:26:30.000 Put some crazy glue on it or we can go to the doctor.

01:26:33.000 She's like, fucking crazy glue?

01:26:34.000 What the fuck is wrong with you?

01:26:36.000 I'm like thinking about what I would do.

01:26:38.000 Like, if I look at that cut, I would go, ah, we got crazy glue.

01:26:40.000 I'll put a little crazy glue in there and squeeze it together and put a little band-aid on it.

01:26:44.000 But, like, I'm so used to seeing people injured.

01:26:46.000 She's got to know that's your love language.

01:26:48.000 I've seen a thousand people knocked unconscious.

01:26:51.000 Yeah.

01:26:52.000 Like, real close.

01:26:53.000 In front.

01:26:54.000 Yeah.

01:26:55.000 Like from three feet away.

01:26:57.000 I'm so accustomed to it.

01:26:58.000 I know you'll never write a self-help book, but I want to find the motivators that cause greatness.

01:27:05.000 I liked Cam Haynes' book because he talked about his father and his relationship with his father, his father being a runner, and how that...

01:27:13.000 And ultimately how that drives him to run because it's something he's trying to...

01:27:17.000 I can connect with broken parts of men where I can find that brokenness in me and go, oh shit.

01:27:23.000 Because I was like, oh maybe that's why I fucking run.

01:27:25.000 My dad was a runner.

01:27:27.000 Oh shit.

01:27:28.000 And then you start going, oh this is normal.

01:27:30.000 This is part of...

01:27:31.000 You know, I'd be curious to know, because you're a pretty weird dude with, like, motivation.

01:27:36.000 You know, like, what motivates you to work out is like, well, I think about people raping my family.

01:27:40.000 I would love to get to the base.

01:27:41.000 I don't think about people raping my family.

01:27:43.000 What the fuck is wrong?

01:27:44.000 Yeah, you do.

01:27:45.000 Yeah, you do.

01:27:46.000 No, I don't.

01:27:48.000 No, but you have said, like, this is birding.

01:27:50.000 He's birdifying it.

01:27:51.000 You said, like, I think about people trying to kill me.

01:27:53.000 You said that before.

01:27:54.000 Well, I definitely do if I'm getting tired.

01:27:56.000 So if I'm in the middle of a workout and I'm tired, I say, imagine if I had saved a loved one's life right now.

01:28:02.000 How would I respond?

01:28:04.000 I'd just get angry.

01:28:05.000 And I'm sure there's rape in there.

01:28:06.000 That's what I meant.

01:28:07.000 Don't think about that.

01:28:08.000 Bert puts himself in the place of the attacker.

01:28:10.000 And he goes, well, if I was there, I may as well get some rape soon.

01:28:13.000 I'm killing you.

01:28:14.000 I might as well rape you, too.

01:28:15.000 I mean, it's not like an extra charge.

01:28:17.000 I'm going to jail forever.

01:28:18.000 Whenever you see a serial killer who doesn't rape, you're like, what the fuck are you doing, dude?

01:28:22.000 Maximize your time.

01:28:23.000 Yeah, I just, I don't know.

01:28:24.000 It's so crazy if you're gonna kill not to rape.

01:28:26.000 I agree.

01:28:29.000 Save one for after death.

01:28:32.000 That was the Bundy way.

01:28:33.000 It is nicer.

01:28:35.000 Most people would rape and then kill.

01:28:37.000 Bundy was like, I'm gonna kill you first.

01:28:39.000 Changing the game.

01:28:42.000 Have you guys seen the Dahmer thing on Netflix?

01:28:46.000 I've heard it's fucking great.

01:28:47.000 It's really, really well done.

01:28:49.000 There's a little bit of, you know, they obviously dramatize it to be compelling television.

01:28:54.000 How can you dramatize that story?

01:28:55.000 They dramatize the story in terms of there are things that are not factually accurate, but there's things that are factually accurate, too.

01:29:02.000 But that kid is fucking...

01:29:03.000 Evan Peters, I think, plays him.

01:29:04.000 He's phenomenal.

01:29:05.000 Yeah, and there's...

01:29:06.000 I mean, it's dark.

01:29:08.000 It's fucking...

01:29:09.000 It's really well done.

01:29:11.000 I did a commercial with the last guy.

01:29:13.000 You know, who's the fucking Arrow guy from Marvel?

01:29:17.000 Oh, Hawkeye.

01:29:18.000 Hawkeye.

01:29:18.000 Yeah, Hawkeye.

01:29:19.000 Shotgun McGee.

01:29:20.000 The guy who plays him?

01:29:21.000 Yeah.

01:29:21.000 He's a nice guy.

01:29:22.000 Jeremy Renner.

01:29:23.000 Yeah.

01:29:23.000 My first commercial, he was doing one and he was like broke and he was getting sagged like, we'll give you some money to pay your rent kind of thing.

01:29:31.000 And he goes, yeah, I got a movie that hasn't come out yet, but we'll see.

01:29:35.000 And it was this independent Jeffrey Dahmer movie.

01:29:38.000 Oh, right, because he played Dahmer, too.

01:29:39.000 And then just launched him after that.

01:29:41.000 Oh, shit.

01:29:42.000 He was one of those Jason Bourne guys in one of the movies.

01:29:45.000 He was, but that one didn't do as great.

01:29:47.000 But it was good.

01:29:49.000 Compared to the other ones?

01:29:50.000 No?

01:29:50.000 No.

01:29:52.000 It's not to take over a franchise.

01:29:53.000 I liked him in the town.

01:29:55.000 He was a badass with Ben Fleck.

01:29:57.000 Oh yeah, that's right.

01:29:58.000 He was in the town too.

01:29:59.000 He's fucking great.

01:30:00.000 There he is.

01:30:02.000 That guy's a bad motherfucker.

01:30:03.000 How different is that look to Dahmer to the new look to Dahmer?

01:30:06.000 The new look to Domino, it really looks like Dahmer.

01:30:09.000 This guy.

01:30:10.000 That's pretty close.

01:30:11.000 Yeah, that guy's pretty close.

01:30:12.000 He does the Wisconsin accent.

01:30:15.000 I gotta say, I fucking hate Hawkeye, though.

01:30:18.000 That stupid Marvel character.

01:30:19.000 All he has is a bow and arrow.

01:30:21.000 It's so dumb.

01:30:22.000 Everybody else is the Hulk, and they fucking can do crazy shit, and Doctor Strange can summon other universes, and this dude's just shooting shitty arrows.

01:30:30.000 I have arrows!

01:30:31.000 At aliens.

01:30:32.000 There's aliens flying around in spaceships and he's shooting arrows at them.

01:30:36.000 I'm like, this is so dumb.

01:30:37.000 And he never runs out of arrows.

01:30:38.000 I can't get into any of those movies.

01:30:40.000 Infuriates me.

01:30:40.000 Oh, are you kidding me?

01:30:41.000 It's all so paced by numbers.

01:30:44.000 Anybody new comes in, they have a beef, like...

01:30:46.000 My crew, not your crew!

01:30:47.000 I mean, I've gone to see them, and you just go...

01:30:49.000 The thing is that there's...

01:30:51.000 You know the blueprint of the film.

01:30:52.000 You know the blueprint.

01:30:53.000 So I like more surprise, because, like, you know, you see the conflict coming, and then you go, this is going to have him down for a little bit.

01:31:00.000 Then the bad guy's going to, you know, look like he's going to win this thing, and then he will beat him.

01:31:06.000 Yeah.

01:31:06.000 Or even if the back guy wins, then they go, uh, we went back in time.

01:31:10.000 And what's wild is that they do billions at the box office every time.

01:31:13.000 I love those movies.

01:31:15.000 I love them, too.

01:31:15.000 I love them.

01:31:16.000 They're fun.

01:31:17.000 Well, I grew up reading comic books.

01:31:18.000 Yeah.

01:31:19.000 But I like a dark one.

01:31:20.000 I like when they show the real conflict of something.

01:31:23.000 I did love The Watchmen.

01:31:24.000 Watchmen or Dark Knight.

01:31:25.000 The Dark Knight stuff.

01:31:26.000 The Dark Knight stuff was unbelievable.

01:31:30.000 With Chris Nolan stuff?

01:31:31.000 Yeah, that was great.

01:31:32.000 Those were a maze.

01:31:33.000 Those were great.

01:31:34.000 A conflicted superhero.

01:31:35.000 The problem with Batman is he's just a rich guy.

01:31:38.000 Why has he got all that stuff?

01:31:40.000 Where does he get all these powers from?

01:31:41.000 He's got none.

01:31:42.000 He's at the peak of what you can do if you train.

01:31:45.000 But it's not real.

01:31:46.000 He's Bert if he stopped drinking.

01:31:48.000 I'm Batman.

01:31:49.000 You're Batman.

01:31:50.000 You're Batman.

01:31:51.000 Maybe I'll lean in to just do like November weed.

01:31:56.000 Just weed?

01:31:56.000 Just weed in November.

01:31:57.000 I'd love to be a weed guy, but it's just not my thing.

01:32:00.000 Well, you just like to get crazy and take your shirt off.

01:32:02.000 When you took your shirt off last night on stage and the place went nuts, there was a lady in the front row that got up and started doing this.

01:32:08.000 I didn't have to say his name.

01:32:10.000 I was like, hey, this is my friend.

01:32:11.000 And then you just walked.

01:32:12.000 I was like, yeah, I don't want to introduce you.

01:32:14.000 They went crazy.

01:32:15.000 And then you took the shirt off and took it to another level.

01:32:17.000 That was great fun last night.

01:32:19.000 That was a lot of fun.

01:32:19.000 That was great fun last night.

01:32:21.000 That was so much fun.

01:32:22.000 It's really important to do, I've found since the last time I did a spot there, it's really important to do short sets.

01:32:28.000 To stay loose in what your talent is, but it does not translate to theaters or arenas.

01:32:36.000 What do you mean?

01:32:37.000 So much more conversational, so much more fun, so much more interactive, and then you go to an arena, and you're like, if you talk to one person in the front row, then there's fucking 12,000 other people going, I don't know what that guy looks like.

01:32:50.000 No, it's definitely different.

01:32:51.000 It's definitely different.

01:32:53.000 There's different timing.

01:32:54.000 I love a club.

01:32:54.000 When I started doing theaters, Tom texted me and was like, he called me and he was like, just letting you know, it's a different pacing, it's a little bit of a different muscle.

01:33:03.000 And I was like, no, no, I got this.

01:33:05.000 And I remember my first theater gig, I was done in 35 minutes.

01:33:09.000 Wow.

01:33:09.000 And I was like, whoa, he's right.

01:33:11.000 And I was like, I don't have that much material.

01:33:13.000 Like, I have a lot of fucking around with an audience.

01:33:15.000 And, hey, ask him a question I already have the answer to.

01:33:19.000 Then, you know, that's the energy.

01:33:20.000 When you do theater, you, like, you got to fucking...

01:33:23.000 It's an act.

01:33:24.000 Especially arenas.

01:33:25.000 I told Tony.

01:33:26.000 You got to do the bits.

01:33:27.000 Like, you got to do the written, the best stuff.

01:33:29.000 But you also, on the other side, you hold laughs longer.

01:33:32.000 Yeah.

01:33:32.000 And it's important to do that because the people are still thinking about what you just said.

01:33:36.000 I told Tony he was doing his first theater, I think with Jeff Ross or something, and I was like, slow down.

01:33:40.000 And he goes, okay.

01:33:41.000 And then I was like, hey, Tony, slow down.

01:33:43.000 And then he was like, okay.

01:33:45.000 And then he was afterwards like, that was really good advice.

01:33:47.000 Yeah, it's a different thing.

01:33:49.000 But I think it's like cross-training.

01:33:51.000 I think if you just do those, it's not good.

01:33:54.000 Because it's very difficult to come up with new material.

01:33:56.000 You're not coming up with shit when you're doing 16,000 people.

01:33:59.000 No, exactly.

01:33:59.000 And you're in the round.

01:34:01.000 You ain't coming up with any new ideas.

01:34:03.000 Geraldo talked about it.

01:34:04.000 He said it's almost a different sport.

01:34:07.000 Especially in town, like in town club comedy where you're like not the show.

01:34:11.000 And you're on top of them.

01:34:13.000 Like if you're at the cellar, the audience is literally where you guys are.

01:34:16.000 They're on top of you.

01:34:18.000 You also feel like you could take a little bit of a risk in those big ass arenas, like a new line or something, and it doesn't land.

01:34:26.000 And you immediately are like, I'm going right back to what I know.

01:34:29.000 Right back to the real shit.

01:34:31.000 I don't know how anybody who just does arenas ever comes up with new material.

01:34:35.000 You can write in those.

01:34:38.000 I always do my new hours out on the road.

01:34:41.000 Yeah, no, I'm sure, but it's not as easy.

01:34:43.000 If you try an on-the-edge joke at the stand or somewhere where they don't know you, and then they don't go for it, you're just not going to get them back.

01:34:50.000 They're like, we've lost faith in you.

01:34:52.000 I don't know who you are, and I don't like this.

01:34:53.000 That's very true.

01:34:54.000 That happened to me in the OR the other night.

01:34:56.000 OR can be fucking so deaf.

01:34:59.000 OR can be a fucking tricky whore who passes out in the middle of fucking.

01:35:01.000 Yeah.

01:35:02.000 What?

01:35:04.000 A tricky whore that passes out in the middle of fucking you.

01:35:07.000 You should call the doctor.

01:35:09.000 She's probably having a fentanyl overdose.

01:35:13.000 There's the OR sets that have gone down.

01:35:17.000 I'm going to work on a bit here.

01:35:19.000 And then you start and you're like...

01:35:22.000 Every word that comes out of your mouth feels so scripted.

01:35:26.000 Yeah.

01:35:26.000 And you're like, I'm trying to work, goddammit.

01:35:28.000 Why won't you guys just go with me for a second?

01:35:30.000 You start feeling like a phony.

01:35:31.000 And then you bail on it.

01:35:32.000 You're like, fuck that.

01:35:33.000 If you come off the road, like when I opened for you and I'd be presentational and stuff, and you come back to, or just headlining, you come back to the store and it's just like, oh, I'm presenting instead of talking to them.

01:35:42.000 And you're following somebody who just was like...

01:35:44.000 Yeah, you follow Tony Woods or something like that, who's so natural.

01:35:48.000 Oh, yeah.

01:35:48.000 Tony's the most natural.

01:35:49.000 The most.

01:35:50.000 And you're like, you've negated my game.

01:35:53.000 Completely.

01:35:53.000 Tony kills in the green room.

01:35:55.000 Tony was in the green room, and there was this open miker that kept chiming in.

01:35:58.000 He goes, motherfucker, do you hear me talking?

01:36:00.000 It was hilarious.

01:36:02.000 Because it was just a young guy who was just a little too eager and wanted to chime in, too.

01:36:06.000 And Tony's in the middle, he's rants.

01:36:08.000 And we're all just sitting there letting Tony rant.

01:36:10.000 And this guy's chiming in.

01:36:11.000 He's like, motherfucker, do you hear me talking?

01:36:14.000 It was hilarious.

01:36:14.000 Yeah, he'll call you on it.

01:36:15.000 Oh my god.

01:36:16.000 The guy was cock blocking.

01:36:17.000 The guy was jumping in the middle of his brilliant rant.

01:36:21.000 I love a club.

01:36:22.000 Of all the things.

01:36:23.000 I love them all.

01:36:25.000 You haven't done an arena, Ari.

01:36:27.000 I've not done an arena.

01:36:28.000 I want to bring you with me to one of these fucking MGM grand shows.

01:36:34.000 These crazy ones.

01:36:35.000 If you bring me to one, you've got to bring me to two because I'm going to adjust.

01:36:38.000 I'm going to figure something out after I do it.

01:36:40.000 One and done.

01:36:42.000 And you get paid for Rolex.

01:36:43.000 And a watch.

01:36:44.000 Yeah, you're wearing a watch.

01:36:46.000 I'm going to get you a suit.

01:36:47.000 I'm going to get you a suit.

01:36:48.000 Would you wear a suit?

01:36:49.000 I have eight suits.

01:36:50.000 It's the best part of my game.

01:36:52.000 I get them hand-tailored in Hong Kong, dude.

01:36:54.000 Yeah, but they look like shit.

01:36:55.000 I've seen those.

01:36:55.000 Fuck you!

01:36:56.000 My suit game is the best in comedy.

01:36:58.000 David August.

01:36:59.000 What?

01:37:00.000 It's the best in comedy!

01:37:01.000 That's not true.

01:37:02.000 It is by far true.

01:37:03.000 It's not true.

01:37:04.000 Who has a better suit game than me?

01:37:06.000 I have pretty nice suits.

01:37:06.000 What do you mean?

01:37:07.000 Who has more suits than you?

01:37:08.000 Who has cooler, more interesting, better...

01:37:10.000 No, dude.

01:37:11.000 100%.

01:37:11.000 That's terrible.

01:37:13.000 You look like a Canadian that just fucking came over on a fishing boat.

01:37:16.000 Look at that shit, dude.

01:37:17.000 Yeah, that's like a Doug Stanhope.

01:37:18.000 No, that's not a Doug Stanhope bit.

01:37:20.000 That actually looks pretty good.

01:37:21.000 That looks great.

01:37:21.000 It's kind of cool.

01:37:22.000 I do not own one suit.

01:37:23.000 Have you thought about bringing This Is Not Happening back to some sort of a streaming platform or something?

01:37:28.000 I think about it all the time.

01:37:29.000 I need your and Tom's help.

01:37:31.000 Let's do it.

01:37:31.000 What about me?

01:37:33.000 Yeah, what about Bird?

01:37:34.000 You just left him out.

01:37:37.000 That's not a bad suit.

01:37:38.000 I'll give it to you.

01:37:39.000 I'll give it to you.

01:37:40.000 That's a nice suit.

01:37:41.000 That is a cool suit.

01:37:42.000 That's a pretty good suit.

01:37:42.000 Thank you.

01:37:43.000 My birthday suit.

01:37:44.000 When we did the MGM, when Brian Simpson, Tony, Hans Kim, and I did the MGM, we all got tailored suits from David August.

01:37:52.000 That's rad.

01:37:53.000 Fucking incredible.

01:37:54.000 I mean, there's just...

01:37:56.000 Like a bespoke suit?

01:37:57.000 Jamie, you got that photo of all of us together?

01:37:59.000 Yeah, when it's made for you.

01:38:00.000 When they tailor.

01:38:02.000 Well, I have to wear suits that are made for me.

01:38:03.000 And even then, it's tough to fit.

01:38:06.000 Yeah, I'm the same way my body is.

01:38:07.000 Yeah, 100%.

01:38:08.000 I don't have a suit.

01:38:09.000 You don't have a suit?

01:38:10.000 I don't own one suit.

01:38:11.000 Look at this.

01:38:12.000 Yeah, you guys look clean, dude.

01:38:13.000 Come on, son.

01:38:14.000 Pocket squares.

01:38:15.000 Look at Jamie with the sunglasses.

01:38:18.000 Those look nice.

01:38:19.000 You guys look great.

01:38:20.000 Jamie's right out of Pulp Fiction.

01:38:21.000 This looks like Pulp Fiction.

01:38:22.000 Maybe I'll get a suit at the end of Sober October.

01:38:24.000 Fuck yeah.

01:38:25.000 There you go.

01:38:26.000 Get my body to the point.

01:38:27.000 With your new measurements.

01:38:28.000 And then never be able to wear it.

01:38:29.000 You'll be able to fit into it for one week.

01:38:31.000 Yeah.

01:38:32.000 I remember the last Sober October.

01:38:33.000 But look at Tom.

01:38:33.000 Remember when you guys first did the weight loss challenge?

01:38:35.000 Look at Tom now.

01:38:36.000 He's 208. 208?

01:38:38.000 That's new.

01:38:38.000 He works out every fucking day.

01:38:40.000 That's nuts.

01:38:41.000 You could be under 200 pounds.

01:38:43.000 Oh, yeah.

01:38:44.000 Wow.

01:38:45.000 Yeah.

01:38:45.000 Tom could be 195 and fucking shredded.

01:38:49.000 He looks good.

01:38:50.000 I'm trying.

01:38:51.000 Well, it's amazing, the consistency in your workouts.

01:38:54.000 I mean, the real consistency, too, is on the road.

01:38:56.000 I'm on the road so much.

01:38:58.000 We work out almost every day.

01:38:59.000 You take a guy with you?

01:39:00.000 Yeah, you do.

01:39:01.000 His trainer is also an amazing photographer.

01:39:05.000 He is.

01:39:05.000 Two birds with one stone.

01:39:07.000 That's nice.

01:39:08.000 Yeah, so he's a real photographer and a certified, and he's fucking jacked.

01:39:13.000 So he's like, it's great because you're around somebody who's disciplined.

01:39:17.000 You know what I mean?

01:39:17.000 So every day it's like, you know, I look at what he eats, so I'm like, I'll eat that.

01:39:22.000 What are we doing today?

01:39:24.000 What workouts are we doing?

01:39:25.000 I just do what he does in the workouts.

01:39:27.000 So you're just following someone's example, and then it becomes like a habit.

01:39:29.000 That's definitely easier to farm it off to someone.

01:39:32.000 Oh, yeah.

01:39:34.000 I'm bringing my trainer on the road with me in October.

01:39:36.000 Look at this.

01:39:36.000 Look at this motherfucker going.

01:39:38.000 Damn, dude.

01:39:39.000 Look how thin you are, dude.

01:39:41.000 Is that Tom?

01:39:41.000 No, that's Sean.

01:39:42.000 That's Sean.

01:39:42.000 I was like, Jesus Christ, Tom.

01:39:44.000 No, that's Sean.

01:39:45.000 Yeah.

01:39:46.000 That's cool that you guys cut your hair, like, and look like each other.

01:39:48.000 People always, they're like, are you guys brothers?

01:39:50.000 And I'm always like, I'm sorry, dude.

01:39:51.000 And that's, who's that one?

01:39:52.000 That's his trainer.

01:39:53.000 That's Sean.

01:39:53.000 Yeah, you really do have the same haircut.

01:39:55.000 I know.

01:39:56.000 Pretty fucking similar.

01:39:57.000 But that is, that is a huge thing that you could do to bring someone on the road with you and train with them.

01:40:03.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:40:03.000 And make sure that you get shit done.

01:40:04.000 But look how thin you are, dude.

01:40:06.000 You're so much smaller.

01:40:07.000 It's kind of amazing.

01:40:09.000 How good do you feel?

01:40:10.000 I feel great, man.

01:40:11.000 I feel great.

01:40:12.000 I mean, you know, you start moving, you know, better.

01:40:15.000 Feel lighter.

01:40:16.000 Lighter, yeah.

01:40:16.000 Feel easier.

01:40:17.000 Joints feel better.

01:40:18.000 Everything feels better.

01:40:19.000 How's your arm doing?

01:40:21.000 It's much better, man.

01:40:22.000 I mean, I'm going for another follow-up for the nerve stuff in like a couple weeks, but it's...

01:40:26.000 Do you like that?

01:40:27.000 Put your hand out there.

01:40:28.000 And you can clutch and everything?

01:40:30.000 Oh yeah.

01:40:31.000 All good?

01:40:31.000 Oh yeah.

01:40:31.000 Shout out to your doctor.

01:40:33.000 Yeah, Dr. Soruya did this one.

01:40:36.000 Your grip strength is definitely still weaker than the right hand.

01:40:40.000 And there is weight where your wrist will eventually collapse.

01:40:46.000 Do you do wrist curls?

01:40:47.000 Your weight.

01:40:48.000 The weight will, so like if I'm holding dumbbells, I can hold them, but at a certain weight, let's say they're like 60 pound dumbbells or something, I'll be fine here, and you'll see this one just will start to go like that.

01:41:02.000 Do you do wrist curls?

01:41:03.000 No, I should.

01:41:05.000 Is it still recuperating?

01:41:06.000 Oh yeah, it's a three year recovery, the nerves.

01:41:08.000 Wow.

01:41:09.000 You know what I love, man, is rollers, where you get a roller with a cord and the weights at the bottom and you do this shit.

01:41:13.000 Oh yeah.

01:41:15.000 And you lost that basketball game before?

01:41:17.000 You were already losing?

01:41:18.000 No.

01:41:19.000 Well, we'd lost the game.

01:41:20.000 Then we did our dunk classes.

01:41:24.000 Tate Fletcher gave me a great speech about getting hurt.

01:41:28.000 Because we all went on this crazy hike.

01:41:30.000 And he was like, you know how I talk out my ass.

01:41:33.000 And Tate just is not having it.

01:41:35.000 And he was like, you're a decommissioned athlete.

01:41:37.000 He's like, you think your body is what it was when you were a kid, and it's not, and that's how you get fucking hurt.

01:41:42.000 That's how you get hurt.

01:41:43.000 You think you can do everything you can do when you're a kid because you can do it when you're a kid?

01:41:46.000 You can't do it.

01:41:46.000 That's how you get hurt.

01:41:47.000 And I was like, that was the first time I was like, oh, that's what happened when we played basketball.

01:41:51.000 That's 100% what happened.

01:41:52.000 And we also did something that...

01:41:55.000 I mean, it's exactly what he's saying, but especially when you get into jumping.

01:41:59.000 If you don't jump all the time, then you go, I'm going to jump my ass off today.

01:42:03.000 You have explosive movement, but you don't have explosive strength.

01:42:06.000 So it's like, in between time.

01:42:08.000 Like a 75-year-old would never think to jump.

01:42:10.000 Of course.

01:42:11.000 All the stabilizer muscles.

01:42:13.000 Yeah.

01:42:13.000 You've got to work it.

01:42:14.000 We played basketball last week, though.

01:42:16.000 Played two-on-two and played full game.

01:42:19.000 What are you going to drop down to?

01:42:21.000 Do you have a goal?

01:42:21.000 No, because, you know, I... I remember being real fat as a freshman in college and losing weight and thinking that a number was the goal.

01:42:30.000 At first, I was like, I want to weigh 225 because I saw NFL linebackers.

01:42:36.000 I was like, that's a good weight.

01:42:37.000 And then I got down to 225. I'm like, I don't look like them.

01:42:41.000 So I just kept losing weight.

01:42:43.000 And even now, I'm 208, 209. I feel like if I go, oh, it's 200...

01:42:49.000 I'd rather just focus on what I feel like and look like and go, like, that's the weight that I'd rather be at than hunt the number.

01:42:56.000 You know what I mean?

01:42:56.000 Yeah, that makes sense.

01:42:57.000 I think I'll...

01:42:58.000 Because also, like, you're gaining muscle.

01:43:00.000 Yeah.

01:43:00.000 Right?

01:43:00.000 So your weight is getting higher, but your body fat's getting lower.

01:43:03.000 Yeah.

01:43:03.000 So I don't know what the final number will be.

01:43:05.000 I think it's definitely...

01:43:07.000 I have a build that I should be, like, between 190 and 200, I think.

01:43:12.000 You know?

01:43:13.000 That's what I think I should be.

01:43:14.000 And so that's, like...

01:43:16.000 Kind of like the range, yeah.

01:43:18.000 But as you're putting on muscle, I mean, maybe you'll be heavier.

01:43:21.000 Maybe I'll be heavier, yeah.

01:43:22.000 Yeah, I put on muscle pretty quickly.

01:43:24.000 What do you weigh now?

01:43:26.000 80,000 pounds.

01:43:27.000 Is it 80,000, Bert?

01:43:28.000 Is it over or less than 80,000?

01:43:31.000 That's so funny.

01:43:32.000 Would you say it's over or I think under now because of a few days?

01:43:36.000 I'd do it in stone.

01:43:40.000 But wait, be honest.

01:43:42.000 What were you up to a couple months ago?

01:43:45.000 Because you were...

01:43:45.000 265. 265. 265. I told that to...

01:43:49.000 Who did I tell that to?

01:43:50.000 That's Francis Ngannou's weight.

01:43:53.000 They look the same.

01:43:53.000 That's how I thought I would look at 225. I was like, I'll look like that.

01:43:56.000 I was talking to a man.

01:43:57.000 When you talk to men, it's different than...

01:44:00.000 You're a man, but us...

01:44:02.000 So if you say that, you hold people to a standard.

01:44:06.000 Like an athlete, if you've competed at a high level, you see things at a high level.

01:44:11.000 Like Eddie, it's hard to bullshit with Eddie about false claims about exercise and stuff.

01:44:19.000 So I said to someone who goes, how much were you at your harvest?

01:44:22.000 I said, 265. He goes, 270?

01:44:24.000 I went, no, 265. He goes, no, no, no, no.

01:44:26.000 Let's be very clear.

01:44:27.000 There were days you were 270. You just didn't get on the scale.

01:44:29.000 And I went, wow.

01:44:30.000 Oh, yeah, you're right.

01:44:30.000 Probably 270. Oh, right.

01:44:32.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:44:33.000 That's the way a man works, you know?

01:44:36.000 I go, 265. That's the day I stepped on the scale thinking I was really 250. I was 211 when I got back from Italy.

01:44:42.000 That's big for you.

01:44:43.000 Fat as fuck, dude.

01:44:44.000 I had a roll.

01:44:45.000 I was feeling a roll right here.

01:44:47.000 Can I please leave that shirtless picture of you?

01:44:50.000 No.

01:44:50.000 I was so fucking...

01:44:51.000 I sent it to my wife.

01:44:53.000 I go squad goals.

01:44:56.000 I did a photo shoot and I did one picture of me naked swinging a baseball bat and just randomly I saw like a delt and a bicep and then I spent the rest of the photo shoot trying to flex and you can't see anything.

01:45:10.000 I'm fucking sore as fuck the next day.

01:45:12.000 I think I pulled my kidney.

01:45:15.000 If we can get you off the booze for a long period of time and get you working out, I think you would be a fucking freak athlete.

01:45:22.000 I really do.

01:45:22.000 Booze alone would do it.

01:45:23.000 You already work out.

01:45:24.000 What do you weigh now?

01:45:25.000 I really don't know.

01:45:26.000 I think probably 247. When I saw you play tennis against Tom, I'm like, this motherfucker is an athlete.

01:45:32.000 He is an understated athlete.

01:45:34.000 His golf swing is incredible.

01:45:35.000 Swimming.

01:45:36.000 Baseball.

01:45:37.000 Hand-eye coordination.

01:45:38.000 Hand-eye coordination.

01:45:39.000 He can play pool, too.

01:45:40.000 I know.

01:45:40.000 You guys were doing Two Bears, and I heard you guys talk about archery.

01:45:43.000 Yeah.

01:45:44.000 One of my favorite moments ever.

01:45:45.000 We were doing...

01:45:46.000 I remember this.

01:45:47.000 We were doing Go Big Show.

01:45:48.000 And I would have bet, by the way.

01:45:50.000 I knew already.

01:45:51.000 I would have bet fucking 10 grand that you had done that.

01:45:53.000 We had a trick archer up there who was doing trick archery shots.

01:45:56.000 I've always been into archery, but whatever.

01:46:00.000 And I always know I'm pretty good at archery.

01:46:02.000 And so I go, hey, man, can I see your bow and arrow?

01:46:05.000 I want to take a shot.

01:46:06.000 And he was like...

01:46:07.000 Okay, and Snoop is like, no, no, that's not.

01:46:09.000 He's gonna fucking kill one of us.

01:46:11.000 And I go, Snoop, I think I can do it.

01:46:13.000 And I know I can.

01:46:14.000 And he goes, no, we're like maybe 50 feet from the target.

01:46:19.000 And I line it up out of nowhere and just bullseye.

01:46:23.000 And Snoop lost his shit.

01:46:25.000 And I was like, but I like that energy more than being, I like talking shit and surprising someone.

01:46:32.000 And being good at something.

01:46:33.000 That's party energy.

01:46:36.000 That's party energy.

01:46:37.000 It's the guy going, I can do a backflip, you know?

01:46:39.000 I'm the opposite.

01:46:40.000 I just get obsessed with things until I just want to get perfected at it.

01:46:43.000 And it never happens.

01:46:44.000 You never perfect something, but you get closer and closer and closer.

01:46:47.000 And you get these moments.

01:46:49.000 Like playing pool is a great example.

01:46:51.000 There's moments where you just know exactly where the ball's going.

01:46:53.000 I love that.

01:46:54.000 In the zone.

01:46:55.000 I'd be curious if you looked at my form and my archery in that trick shot, if you go, oh, he knows what he's doing.

01:47:00.000 Well, it's a different kind of archery because what you're doing is traditional archery.

01:47:04.000 What I do is like compound archery.

01:47:06.000 My shit is like, I use like a range finder and I have a scale on my sight where I range, like it's 65 yards.

01:47:14.000 I'll dial it into 65 yards and I'm shooting at 85 yards to an index card.

01:47:19.000 So at 85 yards, I'm shooting at something that's this big.

01:47:22.000 You couldn't do it the way you do it, Bert.

01:47:23.000 It's a different thing.

01:47:24.000 We went out ski shooting.

01:47:26.000 I don't know how to shoot traditional archery.

01:47:28.000 I'm terrible at it.

01:47:29.000 I was with my family.

01:47:30.000 We were in Hawaii, and they have this archery course.

01:47:33.000 Oh, really?

01:47:33.000 It's that different?

01:47:34.000 Yeah.

01:47:34.000 Well, I mean, I could do it, but I don't know how to aim.

01:47:38.000 You're supposed to aim, like, the way I do it is with compound bow.

01:47:42.000 And I pull it back, and it's all, like, centered to, it's all, the bow is matched to my frame.

01:47:48.000 So I have a 28 and a half inch draw, because that's how far my arms are when they're fully extended.

01:47:53.000 And then the peep sight is at, like, exactly, like, 5.7 inches here.

01:47:58.000 And I'm looking through this thing, and I center the housing with it.

01:48:02.000 It's like you're balancing all these things out together.

01:48:06.000 It's very zen.

01:48:07.000 Because in that moment, you're not thinking about anything else other than the execution of the shot and making sure it releases perfectly.

01:48:14.000 And it's just, there's something about thinking about something that overcomes jujitsu and archery and pool.

01:48:22.000 You don't think about anything else other than that thing while you're doing it.

01:48:26.000 And that is sort of like a moving meditation.

01:48:28.000 Archery in many ways is like a moving meditation.

01:48:32.000 Because you're so engrossed in the technique that you don't think about anything else.

01:48:37.000 No life issues, nothing else.

01:48:40.000 And even if you never hunt or never do a competition or something, there's something about shooting a target over and over again.

01:48:46.000 It just clears your mind.

01:48:48.000 Now the cool thing about what you do from my perspective, and you and Cam and all those guys, the thing I think is sexy is the fucking...

01:48:58.000 Seeing it.

01:48:59.000 Your heart's racing.

01:49:01.000 Holding your breath.

01:49:01.000 Keeping your breath.

01:49:03.000 Tracking it.

01:49:04.000 I've watched a lot of those Rinella videos on Netflix.

01:49:08.000 The energy that happens that whole moment.

01:49:10.000 It's almost like finding a needle in a haystack.

01:49:12.000 You finally see an elk and then you gotta apply all the shit you do in your range.

01:49:16.000 You gotta apply it to it when you haven't slept well.

01:49:19.000 You haven't slept well.

01:49:20.000 You slept on a rock.

01:49:21.000 Your fucking nerves are up.

01:49:22.000 You get one fucking shot.

01:49:24.000 That's the cool shit.

01:49:25.000 You gotta be still.

01:49:26.000 Your Your heart's got to be still.

01:49:28.000 There's a lot going on, man.

01:49:29.000 There's a lot going on.

01:49:30.000 But it's also...

01:49:31.000 It's obsessive.

01:49:33.000 You get obsessed by it.

01:49:34.000 And I think there's something about obsession that's good for the mind.

01:49:37.000 Like getting really focused on things.

01:49:39.000 It keeps your mind active in a very unusual way.

01:49:43.000 Do you have something like that that you like?

01:49:45.000 Jerking off.

01:49:46.000 Maybe stand-up.

01:49:47.000 I don't know.

01:49:48.000 Yeah, stand-up.

01:49:49.000 I'm helping Big J do his special now, and that's all I think about.

01:49:54.000 It's just like making sure everything's run right.

01:49:56.000 Yeah, shit like that.

01:49:58.000 Watching him when fully loaded.

01:50:02.000 The first time I saw him in an arena.

01:50:04.000 Big J. You know, Big J is always the guy fucks around, little buzz on stage, fuck around with the audience.

01:50:12.000 12,000 people, he sits on a stool and destroyed me, Shane, Dave Attell.

01:50:19.000 We're back there watching him like...

01:50:21.000 And murdered.

01:50:23.000 And just didn't move.

01:50:24.000 Big J. One leg out, one leg up on the stool.

01:50:26.000 Eagles jersey.

01:50:27.000 Just fucking destroyed.

01:50:29.000 He's a fucking pro.

01:50:30.000 He's such a pro.

01:50:31.000 And he had this weird training where he'd always go on after a tell late night at the cellar.

01:50:35.000 And he'd also like open for like corn and stuff.

01:50:38.000 So he's doing these like massive venues.

01:50:40.000 He opened for corn?

01:50:41.000 On their tour.

01:50:41.000 On their like some music festival kind of tour.

01:50:45.000 He did one of the hardest things too where we did the oddball tour a few years ago.

01:50:49.000 He would open that.

01:50:51.000 And everybody's like, fuck that.

01:50:53.000 Like, nobody wants to do it.

01:50:55.000 And he embraced it.

01:50:56.000 And like, you know, you have people being sad and all this shit.

01:50:58.000 He would fucking kill it.

01:50:59.000 We went out.

01:51:00.000 We had to introduce a big band at Rockin' the Range in Columbus, I think.

01:51:03.000 And it was like 20,000 people out there.

01:51:06.000 And the two of us went out.

01:51:07.000 Just to say, also, we have a comedy show.

01:51:09.000 And we went out.

01:51:10.000 And I'm just like, freeze.

01:51:11.000 I'm like, what the fuck?

01:51:13.000 And then somebody yelled out from the crowd something and Jay just rips in, turns 18,000 people against this one guy.

01:51:20.000 And I'm like, help me, Jay.

01:51:22.000 Help me, please.

01:51:23.000 We had him for Fully Loaded.

01:51:25.000 He was going to host all the shows.

01:51:26.000 Just host him because he's so good at it.

01:51:28.000 And that first night he went out and did it.

01:51:30.000 Because he missed the first night, we had Dave Williamson host.

01:51:33.000 Next night we're like, why don't you just do a spot and then we'll switch it up.

01:51:36.000 And after watching his spot, we're like, oh man, he just needs to do sets.

01:51:40.000 Fucking 20 minutes of...

01:51:42.000 Just.

01:51:43.000 Material.

01:51:43.000 Like, material.

01:51:45.000 Yeah.

01:51:45.000 Fucking brilliant, man.

01:51:47.000 Yeah, you think he just does crowd work, but he disguises everything.

01:51:49.000 Yeah.

01:51:49.000 So it's like...

01:51:50.000 He's super funny.

01:51:51.000 He is one of the best crowd work guys in the country.

01:51:54.000 And it's real crowd work.

01:51:55.000 And it's real crowd work.

01:51:56.000 It's not bullshit crowd work.

01:51:57.000 It's so smooth with it, too.

01:51:58.000 It's not like he has a pre-planned thing that he's going to say to people.

01:52:01.000 And someone will attack him, like in the audience at a small club, and he'll be like...

01:52:04.000 Okay, that's a good way of looking at it.

01:52:06.000 He just stays in the pocket.

01:52:08.000 Big J, Ian Bagg.

01:52:11.000 Ian Bagg's crowd work is dangerously flawless.

01:52:16.000 Like, he takes...

01:52:18.000 People sleep on how fucking talented that guy is.

01:52:22.000 We did South Africa.

01:52:24.000 And there's like people that, it's a cultural thing, certain tribes or whatever, people would have dyed hair, like dyed, you know?

01:52:34.000 And one of the people running the festival is like, oh yeah, they're from, you know, whatever, this group, and it's like a religious, cultural thing, dyed orange, and he's like, hmm, okay, huh?

01:52:44.000 And he gets up there, and he's like, you look like an orangutan, you know?

01:52:47.000 And we were like, oh!

01:52:49.000 But his delivery and the way that he says it, the lady was backstage panicking and he was just the guy and everybody, they were all just dying.

01:52:58.000 I don't know him.

01:52:59.000 Are you serious?

01:53:00.000 You don't know Ian Bagg?

01:53:01.000 No, I don't know him.

01:53:03.000 I watched him go on stage and he does so much crowd work, he picked out what car everyone drove in the front row.

01:53:12.000 You look like a Toyota Tacoma guy.

01:53:14.000 Let me see a picture of you.

01:53:16.000 I do.

01:53:16.000 He did a special for Showtime of crowd work with a few bits.

01:53:22.000 And you know how sometimes that can be lost in a special?

01:53:26.000 It delivered so fucking hard.

01:53:28.000 You back clowns the audience?

01:53:29.000 Is that it?

01:53:30.000 Look at him.

01:53:31.000 He is so quick.

01:53:34.000 He is so fucking funny.

01:53:36.000 He might be the best, actually, and no joke.

01:53:39.000 You'd have to nominate him.

01:53:41.000 You'd have to at least put him in the running for it.

01:53:42.000 Who else does great crowd work?

01:53:46.000 Ian, Jay.

01:53:47.000 Jay's fantastic.

01:53:49.000 I need to watch some of Ian's sets.

01:53:50.000 I'm not really familiar with his material.

01:53:52.000 What's your fucking deal?

01:53:53.000 You know what?

01:53:54.000 When you get your club open, have him come do a weekend down there, and you will be...

01:53:59.000 In a minute, Joe, you're going to be like...

01:54:02.000 And then at the end of the week, and tell me if I'm wrong, you'll be talking like this, too.

01:54:07.000 Sam Talent.

01:54:10.000 Dude!

01:54:11.000 He's a funny motherfucker.

01:54:13.000 I got to meet him.

01:54:14.000 He came down to the club when we were doing a little tour of it and showing what the construction is and everything.

01:54:20.000 Got a chance to hang out with him a little bit.

01:54:22.000 I like him.

01:54:22.000 Funny dude, man.

01:54:23.000 Cool.

01:54:23.000 Super smart.

01:54:24.000 Very funny guy.

01:54:25.000 He wrote one of the best books on Stanhope.

01:54:26.000 I keep hearing that.

01:54:28.000 Stanhope gave it to me.

01:54:29.000 He said it's great.

01:54:30.000 The funniest thing about that book, it was great, but he had different comics read each chapter for the audiobook, and how little comedians know how to actually read was just exposed.

01:54:40.000 I read the first chapter.

01:54:41.000 Fumbling over.

01:54:42.000 I couldn't read out loud at all.

01:54:45.000 I'm a bad out loud reader.

01:54:47.000 My audiobook outsold my book.

01:54:48.000 Hey, getting your fucking text is a real experience.

01:54:51.000 Oh, your text is so ridiculous.

01:54:52.000 He had the drunk excuse before.

01:54:54.000 I'm like, do you look at those?

01:54:55.000 Do you look at them before you send them?

01:54:57.000 I do not.

01:54:58.000 Send it.

01:54:58.000 And you're like, what?

01:54:59.000 I can't see if I don't have my glasses on, so I just send it.

01:55:01.000 How bad is your vision?

01:55:03.000 I have 20 amazing vision from far away, but I can't see shit up close.

01:55:08.000 You know what stopped my vision loss?

01:55:10.000 I started taking something called macular support.

01:55:13.000 Pure encapsulation, macular support.

01:55:16.000 I mean, my vision's not great.

01:55:18.000 Mine's declining.

01:55:19.000 It never got worse.

01:55:20.000 It went to a spot where I can read my phone.

01:55:23.000 I can't read my phone.

01:55:24.000 It's not bad.

01:55:26.000 I can read the news.

01:55:27.000 Macular support.

01:55:28.000 Pure encapsulation.

01:55:29.000 It's got lutein and a bunch of different things in it.

01:55:31.000 But I've been taking it regularly for years.

01:55:33.000 And it makes a difference, man.

01:55:35.000 Yeah.

01:55:35.000 What are you writing down?

01:55:36.000 It's like my vision got pretty shitty.

01:55:39.000 But Ari, you got the fucking surgery and then it went bad.

01:55:43.000 It didn't go bad.

01:55:44.000 It's just starting to go back.

01:55:45.000 Really?

01:55:46.000 Yeah.

01:55:46.000 That happens.

01:55:48.000 Eight years later, seven years later.

01:55:50.000 Your macular degeneration continues even after you get the surgery.

01:55:52.000 Ah.

01:55:53.000 Yeah.

01:55:54.000 Well, there's a thing now that Andrew Huberman was telling me about where it's like some sort of bacteria, and I'm going to butcher this, they inject it into your eye, and it actually corrects your vision.

01:56:07.000 Whoa.

01:56:08.000 And I'm like, but what if it goes bad?

01:56:09.000 I was scared of it.

01:56:10.000 There's always like a 1%.

01:56:11.000 My vision's not bad right now.

01:56:13.000 It's like, it's okay.

01:56:14.000 There's this small percentage thing that happens in Lasix where somebody's vision will just go orange.

01:56:20.000 Oh, no.

01:56:21.000 Yeah, permanently.

01:56:22.000 Well, this guy that I met, one of my daughter's friend's dads, he had the Lasix, and now he can't drive at night.

01:56:29.000 He can't now?

01:56:30.000 Because he sees halos, all the lights.

01:56:33.000 How long ago?

01:56:33.000 Did it go away?

01:56:34.000 No, no, he can't drive at night.

01:56:36.000 Damn.

01:56:36.000 He drives at night, and he's like, can't see anything.

01:56:39.000 He goes, like, all the headlights, have you ever seen what it looks like?

01:56:43.000 I had it for a couple weeks.

01:56:45.000 Halo vision due to Lasix.

01:56:49.000 It's not good, man.

01:56:51.000 Yeah, so that's what he sees.

01:56:52.000 So, like, upper right-hand corner, Jamie?

01:56:54.000 Upper right-hand corner?

01:56:55.000 Halo?

01:56:56.000 That's it.

01:56:56.000 So that's what he sees.

01:56:58.000 Like, when he sees a light, everything around that light is obscured by, like, a haze.

01:57:03.000 Yeah, so he can't drive at night.

01:57:05.000 Shit.

01:57:05.000 At all.

01:57:06.000 He's like, I see pretty good in the day.

01:57:07.000 I can read books, but at nighttime, I'm fucked.

01:57:10.000 He goes, so I can't drive cars.

01:57:11.000 That's fucked.

01:57:12.000 That's fucked.

01:57:12.000 And they didn't tell him that.

01:57:14.000 The second I got it, they're like, hey, but just so you know, your nearsighted, that's still going to fade.

01:57:19.000 Immediately, I couldn't see a book this close.

01:57:21.000 I had to put it out.

01:57:23.000 The next day, I was like, hey, dude, you said it would go away slowly.

01:57:26.000 He goes...

01:57:27.000 No, maybe right away.

01:57:29.000 Maybe right away.

01:57:30.000 I got your money, bitch.

01:57:32.000 Oh, that's my dick.

01:57:33.000 I forgot that it was the last picture I showed.

01:57:35.000 It's sitting right there where everybody can see it.

01:57:38.000 I'll put it up so everyone can see it.

01:57:40.000 It's Spotify.

01:57:41.000 You can show my dick.

01:57:42.000 I think you can now.

01:57:43.000 I don't know.

01:57:44.000 We might be in trouble.

01:57:46.000 This might be the one.

01:57:48.000 I think about death a lot.

01:57:50.000 Do you think when people die, they're like, hey, put my glasses on so I can see everybody.

01:57:54.000 No.

01:57:54.000 I think you're thinking about dying.

01:57:56.000 I think about dying a lot.

01:57:57.000 Do you?

01:57:58.000 Well, maybe you should be a little healthy.

01:57:59.000 I think you should look into it.

01:58:00.000 Yeah, no.

01:58:01.000 It's one of the benefits of Sober October is I wake up going, hey man, I'm not dying today.

01:58:06.000 Wait, were you serious that your recovery is better with tequila than no drink?

01:58:10.000 Hardcore better.

01:58:11.000 Hardcore better?

01:58:12.000 Hardcore better.

01:58:12.000 Like you see the stat?

01:58:14.000 I have a 98% recovery on tequila one time.

01:58:17.000 And what is it like?

01:58:18.000 70s.

01:58:19.000 Let's see what it is in a week or two.

01:58:21.000 That's pretty good.

01:58:21.000 But you also, you have to realize we're at day six, so your body's adapting.

01:58:26.000 Yeah, that's true.

01:58:28.000 There was a thing you were doing the other night and we were going to give you a pass.

01:58:30.000 It was such a brutal thing, that thing that you had to do.

01:58:33.000 I couldn't take it.

01:58:34.000 I wanted you to fail so bad so I could get out of it.

01:58:37.000 I wanted you to fail so bad.

01:58:38.000 I got your text.

01:58:39.000 I got your text.

01:58:40.000 You're allowed.

01:58:41.000 I said three drinks too.

01:58:42.000 Yeah.

01:58:43.000 Give him three drinks.

01:58:44.000 Because you give him one drink and he'll be like, that's nothing.

01:58:47.000 He can't have one.

01:58:49.000 The conversation in my head is interesting.

01:58:52.000 Because here's where my brain went.

01:58:54.000 You said you get three drinks.

01:58:55.000 And I went, and I said to Leanne, I got three drinks tonight if I want them.

01:59:00.000 The problem is I'd be chasing them all night.

01:59:02.000 And then that night what I did is I went out and then I went to dinner with Leanne and I wasn't chasing any drinks.

01:59:10.000 I had like a Diet Coke and it was nice.

01:59:12.000 We had dinner.

01:59:13.000 And then I got in the car and I drove both of us home.

01:59:15.000 Normally she drives.

01:59:16.000 And then I put on pajamas.

01:59:19.000 I got excited for pajamas.

01:59:21.000 And then I laid in bed and I woke up.

01:59:23.000 And that's the thing I wish I could get a hold of.

01:59:27.000 Where I just go, oh, tonight's not a night I'm chasing drinks.

01:59:31.000 So there's pros and cons, right?

01:59:33.000 So the pros of drinking all the time is you're the life of the party.

01:59:37.000 You're the guy.

01:59:38.000 You're the guy.

01:59:38.000 You go on stage.

01:59:39.000 You get to live life.

01:59:39.000 You get to see it in other people's eyes.

01:59:41.000 But you can do that once in a while.

01:59:43.000 There's a rant that you did that is on a video somewhere of you talking about how you love drinking.

01:59:49.000 I'll never quit.

01:59:50.000 It's a great rant.

01:59:51.000 It's so great.

01:59:52.000 It's a love letter to alcohol.

01:59:54.000 It's a love letter to that feeling that we all get when you have a couple of cocktails and you see a sunrise.

01:59:59.000 And it's just like, ah, or a sunset.

02:00:01.000 You see just, it's something beautiful.

02:00:02.000 It's like, there's a feeling when you just start to catch a buzz that is such a fucking beautiful feeling.

02:00:08.000 I remember during pandemic, I didn't drink.

02:00:10.000 And then one night, during the pandemic, I didn't drink for like three months.

02:00:15.000 And then the first three months, I just What the fuck are you talking about?

02:00:18.000 I just know you.

02:00:19.000 And what happens is if I keep asking questions, you'll be like, all right, there was a few days in the city.

02:00:25.000 The last drink I had was on the tour bus going into the city.

02:00:30.000 And then?

02:00:30.000 And then I didn't drink.

02:00:31.000 For three months.

02:00:32.000 Okay, maybe two, whatever.

02:00:34.000 Maybe four days.

02:00:35.000 It was definitely a long time.

02:00:37.000 At all?

02:00:38.000 No drinks?

02:00:39.000 No booze.

02:00:40.000 Because I was at home with my kids.

02:00:41.000 He'll be like, I've been drinking in a while.

02:00:42.000 And I'll be like, how long?

02:00:43.000 And he'll go, like, weeks.

02:00:44.000 And I go, no?

02:00:45.000 He goes, well, Saturday.

02:00:45.000 This is my fucking Saturday.

02:00:47.000 Saturday was Liam's birthday.

02:00:48.000 I'm like, well, then that's the last time you drink.

02:00:50.000 Well, hold on.

02:00:50.000 Stop, stop, stop.

02:00:50.000 I definitely, I went a long stretch at the beginning of the pandemic without drinking.

02:00:55.000 I think it was three months.

02:00:56.000 It was definitely before I went on tour for the outdoor thing.

02:01:00.000 You're going to go to the bathroom, right?

02:01:02.000 You're not going to piss in the hallway, right?

02:01:03.000 Because you're sober.

02:01:05.000 Because I'm sober.

02:01:07.000 I'll go all the way to the bathroom.

02:01:08.000 We still have a jug of his piss.

02:01:10.000 No, someone threw it out.

02:01:11.000 Oh my god.

02:01:11.000 We had a giant whiskey bottle filled with Ari's piss.

02:01:15.000 It was hilarious because he was peeing in the hallway.

02:01:17.000 We got a camera, the security camera.

02:01:20.000 He was like, why are you filming me?

02:01:21.000 I'm like, we're filming everything, bro.

02:01:23.000 This is a high security place.

02:01:25.000 The bathroom was like another 20 feet.

02:01:26.000 No, you couldn't make it.

02:01:27.000 You've justified it.

02:01:27.000 Yeah, you guys get fucked up on those Protect Your Parks.

02:01:30.000 Oh, yeah.

02:01:30.000 Can I tell you, I'm a little jealous that all ours are always sober.

02:01:36.000 Feeding his dick like a snake into a rat hole.

02:01:39.000 That looks like a picture you put in front of a 7-Eleven, like this man.

02:01:44.000 Right next to the Jimi Hendrix painting.

02:01:46.000 And I'm bent over because I'm almost ready to pass out.

02:01:49.000 It's the Stockton serial killer right there.

02:01:51.000 Look how filled that fucking whiskey jug is, too.

02:01:54.000 He pissed in that a couple of times.

02:01:56.000 God.

02:01:57.000 Fun times.

02:02:00.000 Protect our parks are fucking awesome.

02:02:02.000 Those look fun.

02:02:03.000 It's the most fun.

02:02:04.000 They're so fun.

02:02:05.000 Are we doing November?

02:02:07.000 November 2nd, I think.

02:02:08.000 Yes.

02:02:08.000 Yeah, we're going to do it.

02:02:09.000 Oh, you're going to turn loose.

02:02:11.000 You're having your first drink with them and not us?

02:02:14.000 No.

02:02:14.000 I'll have a first drink with you.

02:02:15.000 I mean, I'll have a second drink with them.

02:02:17.000 I'll have a first drink with you.

02:02:18.000 November 2nd, my birthday's November 3rd.

02:02:20.000 I'd be happy.

02:02:20.000 Do you want to get together November 1st?

02:02:21.000 Let's tie one on.

02:02:22.000 Fuck it.

02:02:23.000 Let's go.

02:02:24.000 Come here.

02:02:25.000 Let's go.

02:02:26.000 Let's fucking go.

02:02:27.000 November 1st?

02:02:27.000 Let's have some barbecue.

02:02:28.000 Drink some beers.

02:02:30.000 The best feeling is that first drink when...

02:02:33.000 So the first Sober October we did, me and Ari met up in New Orleans.

02:02:37.000 We had our first drink together.

02:02:38.000 Yeah.

02:02:40.000 Malort's, right?

02:02:41.000 Something like that.

02:02:41.000 You're here?

02:02:42.000 November 1st.

02:02:43.000 Tommy and I get a hamburger.

02:02:44.000 I can be here.

02:02:44.000 Let's do it.

02:02:45.000 Ari, what are you doing November 1st?

02:02:47.000 We could do it in the afternoon.

02:02:48.000 I could fly in the morning.

02:02:49.000 Yeah, let's do it.

02:02:49.000 Let's do a show that night.

02:02:51.000 Let's have some fun.

02:02:52.000 The first time me and Ari meet up in New Orleans, I feel great.

02:02:57.000 People always talk about gratitude.

02:02:58.000 I remember having so much gratitude for you guys because I had never stopped for that long and being like, I'm glad I have friends that made this fun.

02:03:05.000 Me and Ari went down.

02:03:07.000 Well, you were worried at first.

02:03:07.000 You thought it was an intervention.

02:03:09.000 It was.

02:03:10.000 I went home after that.

02:03:12.000 Joe, you get in serious mode sometimes where it's not fun anymore.

02:03:19.000 You pull me aside and you grab me like, hey, just so you know, you don't have to do this.

02:03:23.000 And I was like, the fuck is it?

02:03:24.000 You're making it real.

02:03:25.000 I laid in bed that night after that first Sober October thing.

02:03:29.000 I laid in bed and I go, I think I just ruined my career.

02:03:31.000 Well, can I tell you why I did that?

02:03:32.000 Because my doctor friend told me that you could die.

02:03:34.000 He said there's one thing that does actually kill people, and it's withdrawal from alcohol.

02:03:40.000 Yeah, we all were really actually legit worried.

02:03:42.000 We're like, that could happen.

02:03:43.000 There's two drugs that kill people when they get off of them.

02:03:46.000 Benzodiazepine is one of them.

02:03:47.000 Benzos, Xanax.

02:03:49.000 Xanax actually can kill people if you get off of it.

02:03:52.000 Your body becomes so addicted to it that when you get off of it, your body just fucking freaks out and you die.

02:03:57.000 And that shows you how great benzos are.

02:03:59.000 Well, that's what happened to Jordan Peterson.

02:04:01.000 That's what happened to Jordan Peterson.

02:04:03.000 What was he up to?

02:04:03.000 Do you know what he was consuming?

02:04:05.000 He doesn't really discuss that.

02:04:07.000 He's a little tight-lipped about that.

02:04:09.000 But it's got to be significant for people to go through it.

02:04:11.000 I do not know.

02:04:11.000 I was sad that he did it in the first place because I think he didn't understand the withdrawal.

02:04:17.000 No one understands with benzos because the doctor prescribes it.

02:04:21.000 They always give you like one milligram and then you're like, oh, wow.

02:04:24.000 You take that one milligram and it's overwhelming and then slowly but surely that one milligram...

02:04:28.000 What does it do?

02:04:30.000 It's like Jesus.

02:04:31.000 You've done it?

02:04:32.000 Oh yeah.

02:04:32.000 What does it feel like?

02:04:33.000 It's the greatest feeling in the world.

02:04:34.000 Xanax is?

02:04:35.000 I mean, it literally, just imagine yourself being very anxious and it's just being eliminated.

02:04:41.000 But doesn't it rebound until your anxiety increases when you get off of it?

02:04:45.000 That's what I've heard.

02:04:46.000 I mean, it's short-lasting.

02:04:49.000 The thing about Xanax and stuff is that it's fast-acting, so it hits you pretty quickly.

02:04:54.000 And if it's strong, not only would it reduce your anxiety, but you would get a buzz of sorts.

02:05:00.000 You feel good.

02:05:01.000 It can be addictive.

02:05:03.000 But people take different quantities of it.

02:05:06.000 So taking a milligram is actually a strong dose.

02:05:09.000 If I ever take one, I take 0.25.

02:05:11.000 How often do you take it?

02:05:13.000 I still have the same 30 that was prescribed to me from like two years ago.

02:05:17.000 So you can just do it every now and then and not do it?

02:05:20.000 Oh yeah.

02:05:20.000 I had a problem with it.

02:05:21.000 I had a problem with it.

02:05:22.000 Legit problem.

02:05:23.000 Dom Irera was taking quite a bit of it.

02:05:25.000 He was taking it a lot, but he said it made him feel great.

02:05:27.000 He was having issues.

02:05:30.000 Panic, anxiety.

02:05:31.000 With a glass of white wine?

02:05:34.000 I'll tell you what, all anxiety goes away when I do hard cardio all the time.

02:05:39.000 We were talking about this last night, is that one of the things that's coming out of this Sober October thing that came out of the last time we had the fitness challenge, and you and I talked about this, there's a thing that happens when you do that hard cardio every day where you don't give a fuck.

02:05:52.000 It's true.

02:05:53.000 It gets easier.

02:05:54.000 Yeah, it gets easier to do the hard cardio because you get in shape, but you were talking about the inner chatter.

02:06:00.000 Yeah, because all stress, anxiety, everybody has different degrees of it, but when you're doing hard workouts, like when you fucking gas yourself, you're done, and you do it consistently, nothing really.

02:06:14.000 It's just hard to stay consistent and to recognize that that really is like a medicine.

02:06:18.000 But it's like a medicine.

02:06:19.000 It does leave you feeling like you can't think about other stuff.

02:06:22.000 What's the exercise for you?

02:06:23.000 For me, it's cardio.

02:06:24.000 No, no, no.

02:06:25.000 Out of all the cardio, it's not running.

02:06:27.000 Is it the rowing machine or the bike?

02:06:29.000 Well, I have a knee issue that fucks with me when I run and I've been getting stem cells in it.

02:06:34.000 I fixed my right knee.

02:06:35.000 Ways to Well.

02:06:36.000 Shout out to Ways to Well.

02:06:37.000 My right knee is 100% now.

02:06:39.000 Zero problems.

02:06:40.000 And I had a torn meniscus in it.

02:06:41.000 It was swell sometimes and I get like a cyst.

02:06:44.000 I got it drained like six, seven times.

02:06:47.000 It was a real problem.

02:06:48.000 It's gone now.

02:06:49.000 Like I can do everything.

02:06:50.000 Shout out to Brigham.

02:06:51.000 Yeah, shout out.

02:06:52.000 Leanne's hooking up with Brigham.

02:06:54.000 She's doing it.

02:06:55.000 They're great.

02:06:56.000 Stem cells are amazing.

02:06:58.000 But what's the actual exercise?

02:07:00.000 Like for me, the only way I can find myself pushing it to where I'm going like I'm about to throw up is a rowing machine.

02:07:07.000 Rowing machines are great.

02:07:08.000 Rowing machines are great.

02:07:09.000 I honestly need an outside motivator.

02:07:11.000 So if it's just me trying to get in shape, it's like, why not quit?

02:07:15.000 Why today?

02:07:15.000 But if it's when I'm competing against you guys, when I'm like, I have to do this from an outside push, then I can keep going.

02:07:22.000 My wife gets very uncomfortable when we start doing these things.

02:07:26.000 Oh, your wife.

02:07:27.000 My wife gets scared of me being obsessed.

02:07:31.000 Nobody's significant other.

02:07:32.000 During the fucking Sober October fitness challenge, I went off the rails.

02:07:37.000 It was nuts.

02:07:39.000 My wife gets me sober once a year and all I do is talk about you guys.

02:07:46.000 Yeah.

02:07:46.000 Texting her pictures of Joe shirtless, and she's like, hey, don't let this happen again.

02:07:50.000 Have fun with it.

02:07:51.000 Just stay healthy.

02:07:52.000 Yeah, well, that's why we mitigated that by making this not a contest.

02:07:57.000 I signed up from a gym to get, you know...

02:08:00.000 To be able to work out.

02:08:01.000 And they're like, oh, we haven't seen you here since October 30th, 2019. Yeah, exactly.

02:08:08.000 I think for me, that tank, I love that Torque Fitness tank.

02:08:12.000 Oh, yeah, that's great.

02:08:13.000 That thing really feels, I don't know, it feels amazing.

02:08:17.000 It's a sled that you push or pull.

02:08:20.000 I love that.

02:08:20.000 We have one out here.

02:08:21.000 Like a tackle?

02:08:23.000 Well, it has resistance.

02:08:24.000 You can ramp up the resistance.

02:08:25.000 Resistance levers.

02:08:26.000 Jamie, pull it up.

02:08:27.000 Torque makes it.

02:08:28.000 It's one of the best fitness tools.

02:08:31.000 So you push that thing.

02:08:32.000 That guy looks just like you.

02:08:34.000 And then you also can put a strap on it and you pull it backwards.

02:08:38.000 Yeah, it has different, and then it has a rope.

02:08:40.000 Put a fucking lawnmower on there and do two things at once.

02:08:44.000 The whole time I thought!

02:08:45.000 That was every comment on that thing.

02:08:49.000 Yeah, but it's not as difficult.

02:08:51.000 The other thing I think that really fucking takes me to that level of like, holy shit, is mitts or a bag.

02:08:59.000 Oh yeah, man.

02:09:00.000 Really going ham on that.

02:09:02.000 I don't have any coordination punching.

02:09:05.000 I really look like a chick.

02:09:06.000 I could show you that.

02:09:06.000 I could show you that easy.

02:09:07.000 That is hilarious what you're just doing right now.

02:09:09.000 The wrists?

02:09:11.000 In my movie, I think I had my fingers, or I was doing this, and they were like, yo!

02:09:17.000 Dude, I could teach you that pretty easy.

02:09:19.000 I guarantee you I could teach you how to punch pretty easy.

02:09:21.000 You'd figure it out.

02:09:22.000 It's amazing.

02:09:23.000 I think I'm tough, like if some guy talks shit, but when I hit mitts, I really don't know what I'm doing.

02:09:29.000 But if some guy was like, and you go, I'll fuck you up, and then you went like this...

02:09:34.000 I can do your hair first.

02:09:35.000 The key is to learn how to do it where you're not trying to hit something hard.

02:09:38.000 That's the thing.

02:09:39.000 Everybody tries hard, and when you try hard, you like, and you use all these muscles, and you fuck up your thing.

02:09:45.000 When you learn how to punch correctly, the right way for someone to teach you is literally to teach you just you're not even doing it hard.

02:09:54.000 You're just learning how to move your body correctly, and then it becomes muscle memory.

02:09:59.000 And then it becomes ingrained in your pathway, so you know where you're putting your foot.

02:10:03.000 And then once you actually start hitting something hard, then your body knows what the motions are.

02:10:09.000 The problem is when you strain.

02:10:11.000 You see big guys do that.

02:10:12.000 Big, strong guys.

02:10:13.000 They know they can hit hard, so they try to hit hard.

02:10:16.000 They grunt and they stretch everything out.

02:10:18.000 That's the wrong way to do it.

02:10:19.000 They're also gassed in like 20 seconds.

02:10:21.000 Yeah, because you're using so much muscle.

02:10:23.000 Sure.

02:10:24.000 You know, you want to use technique and you can learn how to do it like slowly and softly.

02:10:29.000 It's just teaching yourself to not try to hit it hard.

02:10:32.000 You see those pros are so loose too, you know?

02:10:34.000 Yeah.

02:10:34.000 Like their shoulders just kind of...

02:10:35.000 That's the same thing with jujitsu too.

02:10:37.000 The way to really learn jujitsu is to drill.

02:10:39.000 You just learn how to do something in a drill, where you're not straining against a person.

02:10:43.000 You're learning how to just train your body to go through the motions.

02:10:47.000 The best I got at jiu-jitsu, the biggest leap that I got was between blue belt and purple belt.

02:10:52.000 That's because I was training with Eddie, and we were training almost four or five days a week.

02:10:56.000 And we would drill all the time.

02:10:57.000 I had mats in my garage.

02:10:58.000 We'd go get high, and he would go over techniques with me.

02:11:01.000 Eddie's a fucking great instructor, too.

02:11:03.000 He really breaks it down so well.

02:11:05.000 Oh, yeah.

02:11:06.000 So good at it.

02:11:07.000 So he can get it.

02:11:08.000 And even though he's like, you know, he's a stoner, and he's like this wild dude, he's very disciplined.

02:11:12.000 He smokes weed?

02:11:13.000 A little bit.

02:11:14.000 I went up behind him one time to take him down at the store, just as a gag.

02:11:17.000 Oh, good luck.

02:11:18.000 And he, as I grabbed him, you know, Eddie went, don't do that.

02:11:24.000 And I was like, he's like, you know, I'm trying to do one thing, and it happens.

02:11:29.000 Yeah.

02:11:30.000 Jitsu, that wears me out completely.

02:11:32.000 Wore me out completely.

02:11:33.000 Oh, yeah.

02:11:34.000 Like, all parts of your body, because it's, like, wrestling in general.

02:11:36.000 Well, that is another thing that, like, alleviates anxiety with people.

02:11:40.000 What do you want?

02:11:40.000 Coffee.

02:11:41.000 This is the best goddamn cigar I've ever had in my entire fucking life.

02:11:43.000 Very good.

02:11:43.000 It's the best fucking...

02:11:44.000 I haven't had any buzz at all.

02:11:45.000 I've had a buzz.

02:11:46.000 It's a Jaime Garcia.

02:11:48.000 They make...

02:11:48.000 My father's is, like, the number one cigar out there.

02:11:51.000 My father's always wins the...

02:11:54.000 But this is all...

02:11:56.000 We got this at the bachelor party.

02:11:57.000 Oh.

02:11:58.000 We got my father, the judges.

02:11:59.000 And then me and Liss got a bunch of other cigars for the people who were like, I'll try a cigar.

02:12:03.000 I'll be like, I'll have the special one for you.

02:12:05.000 Try one less.

02:12:06.000 Like a not as good one.

02:12:07.000 They're so cheap in Tampa.

02:12:10.000 That fucking bachelor party was sick.

02:12:11.000 That was a lot of fun.

02:12:12.000 They won me over.

02:12:13.000 Sidesplitters won me over.

02:12:15.000 Sidesplitters?

02:12:15.000 Yeah.

02:12:16.000 I'm like, yeah, this place is great.

02:12:18.000 I'll be back.

02:12:18.000 I've never been.

02:12:19.000 Never been to that.

02:12:20.000 It's a real club.

02:12:21.000 It's a really cool club.

02:12:21.000 It was funny watching Bert.

02:12:23.000 Remember what it's like to be in a club?

02:12:24.000 He's waiting to go on.

02:12:26.000 Like, jump on.

02:12:26.000 Nobody else is there.

02:12:27.000 And he's waiting outside the showroom.

02:12:29.000 People are like, all right, Bert, can I get a picture?

02:12:30.000 He's like, oh, fuck.

02:12:31.000 He didn't know what to stand.

02:12:33.000 He's just in the kitchen, like, moving past, like, waiters.

02:12:36.000 Sorry, sorry, I'm in the way.

02:12:37.000 I'm like, this is club comedy, Bert.

02:12:39.000 You forgot.

02:12:40.000 I know you know this because you like sports the way I do, but, like, you do Cleveland, you do the arena in Cleveland, and you're making the same walk LeBron makes, and you're going, like, there's a gravitas that comes with those arenas where you, like, Like, you hear the people, and you're walking down the hallway,

02:12:56.000 and you're seeing jerseys up, and you're like, yeah.

02:12:58.000 Yeah, those tunnels.

02:12:59.000 The tunnels.

02:13:00.000 And then you go to Sidesplitters, and you're in the kitchen, and they're like, plate coming around the corner, and you're like, sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry.

02:13:06.000 You're like, how am I supposed to get in my head?

02:13:08.000 I hope they really pop when I take my shirt off.

02:13:11.000 I hope they really pop when I take my shirt off.

02:13:13.000 You're trapped.

02:13:14.000 You have to take your shirt off for the rest of your life.

02:13:16.000 I'm in it.

02:13:17.000 What are you going to do if you get ripped?

02:13:19.000 Throw me in the briar patch.

02:13:21.000 Yeah.

02:13:21.000 I would love to be ripped.

02:13:22.000 I would love, for on this special, I would love to, all I want is someone just to, remember when Chappelle, remember when Chappelle got guns?

02:13:30.000 Yeah.

02:13:30.000 And all everyone just, on the deal, they're like, dude, his fucking arms look good.

02:13:33.000 That's all I want.

02:13:34.000 So I'm going to go, goddammit, man, he's got delts.

02:13:36.000 He's got delts.

02:13:37.000 That's all you want?

02:13:38.000 Just, I'm always going to have the belly, I think, but just someone to go, he doesn't look that bad.

02:13:42.000 Can I discuss your belly real quick?

02:13:44.000 Please.

02:13:44.000 So it's always, Tom and I have talked about this.

02:13:46.000 You look like a trans man that's having quintuplets.

02:14:02.000 Oh, that's so good.

02:14:05.000 Oh, that's so good.

02:14:06.000 But we talk about how it's pushed out all the time.

02:14:08.000 It's hard.

02:14:09.000 No, it has begun to fall over.

02:14:12.000 Yeah, Ari was obsessed with it last night.

02:14:14.000 He was pointing to it on stage like it's the Zapruder film.

02:14:16.000 It has finally fallen.

02:14:18.000 It's been there.

02:14:18.000 I compared it to a growing mushroom the day after it rains.

02:14:22.000 No, you're confusing two bellies.

02:14:26.000 Explain.

02:14:26.000 My belly has fallen over like everyone else's.

02:14:29.000 When I did Secret Time, I didn't realize that it already happened until they did the billboard of it.

02:14:35.000 And they did the billboard, and I go, that's not my stomach.

02:14:37.000 My stomach's tight.

02:14:38.000 And it was a...

02:14:40.000 You have the craziest, most delusional perspective.

02:14:43.000 I think I have body dysmorphia.

02:14:45.000 The text message you sent us the other day, I could do more push-ups than anyone in this group.

02:14:48.000 I think you can, Bert.

02:14:49.000 Cheap push-ups, Marky Marks.

02:14:51.000 Yeah, but cheap push-ups I could do for days.

02:14:53.000 I knew.

02:14:54.000 I knew it was like Vintage Bert.

02:14:57.000 There it is.

02:14:58.000 Secret time.

02:14:59.000 That's me, and they put that up on fucking Melrose, and I go, that's not me.

02:15:04.000 What?

02:15:04.000 You thought your belly was smaller than that?

02:15:07.000 That's me at like 220. Right, but you, at the time, thought your belly was smaller than that.

02:15:11.000 I thought I was in great shape.

02:15:13.000 And they put that up on Melrose, and I saw it, I drove past it, and I go, oh, they must have put someone else's belly on me or Photoshopped it.

02:15:20.000 Yeah, this is like when you go, like, I have legit the best shoulders.

02:15:24.000 I do.

02:15:25.000 Hold on, I do.

02:15:25.000 I have legit great shoulders.

02:15:27.000 Like, great fucking shoulders.

02:15:29.000 No.

02:15:30.000 No, you don't.

02:15:31.000 Joe, they're ripping through this shirt right now.

02:15:34.000 Yeah, but you say things and you don't really mean it, right?

02:15:36.000 No, I kind of mean it.

02:15:37.000 When you say things and you know they're not true.

02:15:39.000 I kind of mean it.

02:15:40.000 He does mean it.

02:15:40.000 I kind of mean it.

02:15:41.000 I kind of mean it, which means he means it.

02:15:43.000 But you say things you know aren't true.

02:15:46.000 Like, remember that one time you said he could do the splits?

02:15:49.000 I actually thought I might be able to pull one out.

02:15:51.000 But more importantly, out of that whole...

02:15:54.000 Look at those fucking...

02:15:55.000 That looks pretty good.

02:15:56.000 Yeah.

02:15:57.000 If you look at me, if I take my shirt off and just do like this, you go, yeah.

02:16:03.000 No, right there you look pretty good, though.

02:16:04.000 But you've got to know that you can't do the splits.

02:16:07.000 Like, why'd you say that?

02:16:08.000 Because I thought I could pull it out.

02:16:10.000 Same reason I said I could run a marathon with no training.

02:16:12.000 Yeah, but a marathon is like you can run five miles.

02:16:15.000 I've seen you run five miles.

02:16:16.000 So just keep going.

02:16:18.000 The idea of doing the splits is crazy.

02:16:20.000 The best part of that story, for me, was when you did a split, and then you looked at me and you said, have you ever done a split?

02:16:25.000 And I said, no.

02:16:26.000 And then in your eyes, you go, like you're almost trying to talk to an island of people you discovered.

02:16:31.000 You go, what made you think you could do that?

02:16:33.000 And I go, I don't know.

02:16:34.000 And you went...

02:16:35.000 Why could you do it?

02:16:36.000 Yeah, you're like, but what?

02:16:37.000 You've never done it.

02:16:38.000 And I said, yeah, I know.

02:16:38.000 And you go, and you were willing to hurt yourself?

02:16:41.000 And I was like, yeah.

02:16:42.000 I was going to see if I could do it.

02:16:44.000 I just thought I could do it.

02:16:45.000 But it takes a long time to get that flexible.

02:16:48.000 That's not a normal human thing.

02:16:50.000 I don't know.

02:16:51.000 Let's just roll the dice.

02:16:53.000 I like that energy, though.

02:16:55.000 That's Cinderella story energy.

02:16:58.000 That's not a Cinderella story.

02:16:59.000 That's a torn hamstring story.

02:17:01.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

02:17:01.000 But I like when you go places and people underestimate you.

02:17:05.000 And I love my favorite part of Sober October is the subtle shit talk where you go, I will murder you.

02:17:12.000 I said, I think I can do more push-ups than you.

02:17:15.000 And your reply was, I will kill you.

02:17:19.000 And I started giggling so hard.

02:17:21.000 I'm at dinner with my family and they're like, what are you laughing at?

02:17:23.000 And I go, Joe.

02:17:24.000 And they go, what did he say that's funny?

02:17:26.000 I go, was only funny if you know him intimately.

02:17:29.000 Because I know you, you're like, what the fuck?

02:17:32.000 And then I thought, I really thought, because I've been to Ways to Wellness with you.

02:17:35.000 Is it Ways to Wellness?

02:17:36.000 Ways to Well.

02:17:37.000 Ways to Well with you so many times.

02:17:38.000 And I've seen you getting the shots in your shoulders.

02:17:40.000 I go, I bet he can't do a push-up.

02:17:42.000 I bet he can't do a push-up because of his shoulders.

02:17:44.000 That's what I thought.

02:17:45.000 But they're not that bad.

02:17:46.000 You unlock in Joe a competitiveness that only comes out around you.

02:17:52.000 When he did it at your studio, the whatever it's called, arm wrestle.

02:17:58.000 But just the way he was like, let's do it, fine.

02:18:00.000 It wasn't that competitive, but it was still like, he was like, bye!

02:18:03.000 And then just walks out.

02:18:05.000 Crushes through, then walks out.

02:18:06.000 Like, you're an idiot.

02:18:07.000 With Burt, it's like, it makes you mad.

02:18:10.000 It's because Burt's making claims, though.

02:18:11.000 Yeah.

02:18:11.000 Well, you have a delusional perspective that I just don't understand.

02:18:16.000 You're a truth seeker, and this guy attacks that.

02:18:18.000 Yeah, I am the Alex Jones of fitness.

02:18:22.000 Hey, I just...

02:18:23.000 In what way?

02:18:24.000 In what way?

02:18:25.000 In what way?

02:18:27.000 I literally just made this comparison yesterday.

02:18:29.000 In that I talk wild shit, and then every now and then it matches up.

02:18:35.000 That's exactly what I said!

02:18:36.000 Every now and then you're like, oh shit, frogs are gay.

02:18:38.000 You're the guy that goes to the center core and goes, I bet I could fucking hit this from here.

02:18:42.000 And everyone's like, no way.

02:18:43.000 And then you swish, and then you walk away.

02:18:46.000 Once in a long while, you'll pull out a marathon.

02:18:48.000 Yeah, you'll pull out a miracle.

02:18:50.000 Every now and then people are like, What the fuck?

02:18:52.000 When we were doing the Sober October Fitness Challenge, you were what I thought of 80% of the time.

02:18:57.000 Hatred.

02:18:57.000 Spite drive.

02:18:58.000 There was just fury inside me.

02:19:01.000 I was like, I'm gonna drag him to hell.

02:19:05.000 That's my brand.

02:19:08.000 Jesus Christ.

02:19:09.000 Dude, when we went to...

02:19:12.000 We were doing Fully Loaded, but at the end of the day, these professional baseball players were on the field.

02:19:18.000 And they're like, hey man, I heard you want to try out for the team.

02:19:20.000 And I was like, I'll fucking give it all up right now for one season, one contract.

02:19:24.000 And they're like, can you swing?

02:19:26.000 And Attell goes, I got a hundred bucks that says he doesn't connect.

02:19:29.000 And I went, okay.

02:19:31.000 And then literally got up there and one hopping off the fence.

02:19:36.000 And Attell's like, are you fucking serious?

02:19:38.000 And then the pitcher goes, looks at the team, he goes, these are with no pace.

02:19:42.000 There's no pace on these balls.

02:19:43.000 What does that mean, pace?

02:19:44.000 Meaning he's throwing them at like 40 miles an hour, so I'm doing all the work to get the ball out there.

02:19:49.000 He goes, with a little bit of pace, I think it'll go yard.

02:19:52.000 And I was like, put some pace on it.

02:19:55.000 You can find the video of me hitting fucking bombs.

02:19:59.000 I think you are a secret athlete.

02:20:01.000 I really do.

02:20:02.000 I just think you just don't do anything about it.

02:20:04.000 You also have a specific athleticism.

02:20:06.000 I have things I'm good at.

02:20:07.000 I have a few things that I'm good at.

02:20:09.000 See, when I first heard you were a good athlete, or you told me that, I was like, get the fuck out of here.

02:20:13.000 Because it's all based on what What you know now.

02:20:17.000 Well, what your origin is of athleticism, you know what I mean?

02:20:21.000 A kid who played a lot of baseball thinks of somebody good at baseball.

02:20:26.000 If you played football, that's all I did, great athlete means runs the fastest, jumps the highest, Can bench fucking 225, 30 times.

02:20:35.000 I was like, no you're not.

02:20:36.000 But then I saw him do all the things that are...

02:20:39.000 It's still athletic.

02:20:40.000 It's just outside of that realm.

02:20:41.000 Right?

02:20:41.000 It's like everything that was hand-eye, golf, ball, everything.

02:20:45.000 He could like, I'll throw this ball and hit that thing off that bar over there.

02:20:51.000 I'm like, what are you talking about?

02:20:52.000 And then he'd go, boom, and ding it.

02:20:53.000 And I was like, oh, shit.

02:20:55.000 He can make these wild claims on...

02:20:57.000 Maybe that's where the delusional part...

02:21:00.000 Because you don't have any...

02:21:02.000 You really believe it.

02:21:03.000 That's the thing he does.

02:21:05.000 I do.

02:21:06.000 Because he's a real dreamer, too.

02:21:08.000 He really is.

02:21:09.000 It's the way I tell the story.

02:21:10.000 I live in a world where I want you to feel it.

02:21:14.000 It's not about reality.

02:21:15.000 It's about feeling it.

02:21:17.000 It's why I like alcohol.

02:21:18.000 I like the feelings.

02:21:20.000 I don't need it to be I don't need it to be real.

02:21:23.000 I want the energy.

02:21:26.000 That's why I love a cigar and coffee.

02:21:28.000 That's not how you're supposed to start a day.

02:21:31.000 And I think I am that way with physical achievements.

02:21:33.000 My friends I grew up with have said this.

02:21:37.000 They look at me sometimes a little bummed out.

02:21:40.000 They'll be like, what happened to your body, man?

02:21:41.000 You're a legit athlete.

02:21:43.000 This isn't who you are.

02:21:45.000 When I went to college, I remember intramural softball.

02:21:49.000 Everyone was making big claims about how good they were, and I was like, I'm actually really good.

02:21:53.000 And I was like, I'm not going to say a fucking word.

02:21:55.000 I'm not going to say a word.

02:21:56.000 Everyone thinks I'm some stoner alcoholic.

02:21:59.000 I'm just going to go in and just fucking drop bombs.

02:22:01.000 And then that look on someone's face when they expect nothing of you and you over-deliver is, I think, how I've set up my career.

02:22:10.000 Same with stand-up.

02:22:11.000 I remember ripping my shirt off, and I remember David Letterman was doing an interview with Mike Binder, And Binder texted it to me, and David Letterman goes, I mean, he rips his shirt off.

02:22:23.000 Like, you don't expect anything, and then it's good material.

02:22:27.000 And then I got that, I was crying, because I was like, that's, everything I want you to do is, like, under-believe and then over-achieve.

02:22:35.000 But I think with, but I think, especially with sports, I have a little bit of...

02:22:42.000 I live in maybe not a big reality.

02:22:45.000 I'm like that with fucking.

02:22:47.000 Really?

02:22:47.000 I can't fuck at all.

02:22:48.000 I'm very real about fucking.

02:22:50.000 I can't fuck at all.

02:22:52.000 At all.

02:22:53.000 I feel bad for Leanne sometimes.

02:22:57.000 Even she talks about it.

02:22:58.000 Can you imagine this mounting you and just humping you?

02:23:03.000 She's probably so worried you're gonna die on her.

02:23:05.000 No, I've come so fast that she's laughed.

02:23:09.000 I came so fast one time, started laughing.

02:23:11.000 I go, hey, you're not supposed to laugh when people come.

02:23:12.000 She goes, I mean, come on.

02:23:16.000 You'd have to see the humor in this.

02:23:18.000 She goes, I don't think you could have gotten AIDS from that fuck.

02:23:20.000 That was so funny.

02:23:28.000 Oh my god.

02:23:30.000 Oh my god.

02:23:31.000 Fast.

02:23:32.000 Fast.

02:23:33.000 Like fast.

02:23:35.000 Every time?

02:23:35.000 If I go down on her, it'll be like three pumps.

02:23:39.000 Yeah.

02:23:40.000 Get excited.

02:23:42.000 Get that J in you.

02:23:44.000 I can grind on the bed while I go down on her and fucking come in the sheets.

02:23:47.000 I'm fucking quick.

02:23:52.000 And this is like with jacking off?

02:23:54.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

02:23:56.000 Yeah, if you don't jack off for a while, then you fuck, it's like almost immediate.

02:23:59.000 Yeah.

02:23:59.000 It's probably why I don't cheat, because I think if I fuck someone, the look of disappointment in their face.

02:24:04.000 Fear.

02:24:05.000 I remember I fucked one chick.

02:24:09.000 I fucked one chick.

02:24:10.000 I told Tony Woods this story, he said, never tell anyone this story.

02:24:14.000 I fucked her and I came so fast she got angry.

02:24:16.000 Oh my god.

02:24:17.000 And she goes, you need to read a book.

02:24:18.000 You need to read a book or get online and learn something.

02:24:21.000 Wow.

02:24:22.000 That's a rude thing for a girl to see.

02:24:23.000 Read a book and then come back and finish your job.

02:24:24.000 And then she goes, and I was going to say, give me a minute, I'll go again.

02:24:28.000 And then I was like, hey, you can't talk to me like that.

02:24:31.000 That's not cool.

02:24:32.000 Like, what if I said, it's really shitty.

02:24:34.000 We just had sex.

02:24:34.000 Like, I know I came fast.

02:24:36.000 And she got really mad.

02:24:37.000 And then I was like, I'm gonna have to ask you to leave.

02:24:38.000 Like, this isn't cool.

02:24:40.000 And then she went to my, I was still naked.

02:24:42.000 She's like, you're not cool.

02:24:43.000 And I had a beer in my hand.

02:24:44.000 My roommate came out, Weecho.

02:24:46.000 And I still had a condom and a beer in the kitchen.

02:24:48.000 And I went like this.

02:24:50.000 You're still wearing your used condom?

02:24:52.000 Who does that?

02:24:52.000 Walk it out with a fucking filled condom.

02:24:54.000 Oh, Jesus.

02:24:55.000 Just like the little reservoir just like dangling.

02:24:58.000 My buddy Weecho comes around the corner and I go, she'll be gone in a second.

02:25:01.000 And she came out and she goes, are you being fucking serious?

02:25:04.000 I gotta go to Brooklyn now?

02:25:05.000 And I was like, I just can't let you talk to me.

02:25:08.000 That's not cool.

02:25:08.000 My feelings are hurting.

02:25:10.000 I'm like, that's not how this works.

02:25:11.000 Like, you're not my girlfriend, but you can't like yell at me.

02:25:14.000 I go, I know I wasn't good.

02:25:16.000 And she got to the door.

02:25:17.000 She goes, I can't fucking believe this.

02:25:19.000 And then she was really angry and she faked a punch.

02:25:22.000 And I spilled beer all over myself and my dick went up and hit me in the stomach.

02:25:25.000 We both started laughing hysterically.

02:25:29.000 You and the woman?

02:25:29.000 Me and the woman both started laughing in my door hysterically.

02:25:32.000 And then she smiled and went to my neighbor's door and pounded on the door.

02:25:35.000 She goes, Bert Kreischer can't fuck!

02:25:37.000 And knocked on every door down the hall.

02:25:39.000 Wow.

02:25:40.000 Good for her.

02:25:41.000 Good move.

02:25:41.000 That's a solid move.

02:25:42.000 Jesus Christ, dude.

02:25:43.000 Where did you find that fucking animal?

02:25:45.000 Don't divorce her.

02:25:46.000 Boston Comedy Club.

02:25:47.000 There you go.

02:25:48.000 Jesus Christ.

02:25:49.000 Yeah.

02:25:50.000 I shaved my legs for this.

02:25:51.000 Son of a bitch.

02:25:53.000 That reminds me of when we went to that national championship game and we're trying to skirt the line.

02:25:58.000 And they weren't famous then.

02:26:00.000 And we're just, like, trying to get through, trying to get through.

02:26:02.000 And everyone's like, hey, what the fuck?

02:26:03.000 You gave him a hundred bucks?

02:26:05.000 Some random, like, bouncer guy.

02:26:07.000 Security guy.

02:26:08.000 And they was like, why?

02:26:09.000 Who are you guys?

02:26:09.000 And Bert just goes, I'm Tom Segura.

02:26:12.000 Google me, motherfucker.

02:26:13.000 Yeah.

02:26:14.000 And you're just like, come on.

02:26:15.000 Yeah.

02:26:18.000 That was the funniest.

02:26:20.000 Do you remember one lady's, like...

02:26:22.000 Hold on!

02:26:22.000 Did you just play a black guy to walk you to the front?

02:26:25.000 And we're like, that's exactly what we did.

02:26:27.000 Yeah, I mean, we didn't take his race into account.

02:26:29.000 Yeah, sure.

02:26:30.000 He just has the yellow jacket that says security.

02:26:31.000 Yeah, the yellow jacket that says security.

02:26:33.000 Yeah, that's hilarious.

02:26:34.000 You're just mad you didn't think of it.

02:26:35.000 We were just like, hey man, make this happen.

02:26:36.000 He was like, okay.

02:26:39.000 Done.

02:26:39.000 No one knows this.

02:26:40.000 I realized this when I was working the door at the store.

02:26:42.000 If you tip a guy $20, $100, you owned me for the night.

02:26:48.000 I'll do whatever the fuck you wanted for $20.

02:26:50.000 For $100?

02:26:51.000 Let's go.

02:26:51.000 You're running late by the way at an airport, and you find somebody that works at the airport, and you have cash, give that person $20, $40, whatever.

02:26:58.000 That person will get you through security, for sure.

02:27:01.000 Really?

02:27:02.000 Absolutely.

02:27:02.000 Yeah, you just give me four hours of time.

02:27:04.000 You say, hey, I'm in a rush.

02:27:05.000 You get a hundred bucks, give me to the line.

02:27:07.000 They know the people at TSA. And then they'll be like, okay.

02:27:10.000 And then they'll look for someone they know.

02:27:12.000 They'll be like, hey, man, hey, hey, hey.

02:27:13.000 And then they'll just get you.

02:27:14.000 There's nothing like a cool person at TSA. Yeah.

02:27:16.000 Like every now and then, you know that story I tell about the lady who got randomly selected at TSA? There's nothing about a funny person that you meet at TSA. You're like, all right, we're okay.

02:27:28.000 Yeah.

02:27:28.000 The world's okay.

02:27:30.000 You're a person who's in this weird position where people every day are bullshitting you and you're trying to do your job, but every now and then you run into a cool person.

02:27:39.000 I asked the guy once, because sometimes they say your name out loud, and it's like, what?

02:27:44.000 Why do I have to say my name out loud on my ID? And so I asked the guy, I was like, why here and not anywhere else?

02:27:49.000 And he goes, oh, because the guy who runs this TSA at Newark is a power-hungry?

02:27:53.000 And I was like, Ari Shaffir.

02:27:56.000 He's like, go ahead.

02:27:57.000 I'm like, good answer.

02:27:58.000 I used to do concierge key for American when I flew American.

02:28:03.000 And there's this dude at the gate.

02:28:05.000 Butterfly's private.

02:28:06.000 Tony.

02:28:06.000 Go ahead.

02:28:06.000 What is concierge key?

02:28:08.000 It's like their highest level.

02:28:09.000 I got in trouble for talking about it on this podcast.

02:28:11.000 I got kicked out of concierge key for talking about it on this podcast.

02:28:14.000 What?

02:28:15.000 What's concierge key?

02:28:16.000 It's their highest level.

02:28:17.000 It's the highest level.

02:28:18.000 It's invitation only.

02:28:19.000 They take you into that sneaky little spot.

02:28:21.000 Oh, I did that once.

02:28:21.000 What?

02:28:22.000 Yeah.

02:28:22.000 It's the highest level you can get.

02:28:24.000 It's invitation only by American Airlines.

02:28:26.000 I got it.

02:28:26.000 Like for super loyal people.

02:28:28.000 And they're like, do not talk about it.

02:28:29.000 And I talked about it on Rogan.

02:28:31.000 And then the woman called me and chastised me.

02:28:34.000 Wow.

02:28:34.000 And said, just so you know...

02:28:38.000 We don't appreciate you talking about this on your little podcast.

02:28:41.000 It's the biggest podcast in the world.

02:28:43.000 And they lost me at that moment.

02:28:45.000 I go, you're not allowed to call me and chastise me in my house.

02:28:47.000 That's not how that works.

02:28:48.000 Not unless I come super fast, right?

02:28:52.000 This isn't cool.

02:28:53.000 So how could they have a thing that you're not allowed to talk about?

02:28:56.000 It's called Concierge Key.

02:28:57.000 Tom Papa hit me up about it.

02:28:59.000 He's dying to get it.

02:29:00.000 You go through a private line in the airport.

02:29:03.000 Now I just do private suite, which is fucking the best.

02:29:06.000 That's a separate entrance on the other side of the airport.

02:29:09.000 That's the shit.

02:29:10.000 Yeah, I've done that.

02:29:11.000 That's where Beyonce goes?

02:29:12.000 It's where Beyonce, Kardashians, everyone goes there.

02:29:16.000 Private entrance?

02:29:17.000 You've got to get a membership.

02:29:18.000 Own TSA. Are you allowed to talk about that?

02:29:20.000 Fuck yes.

02:29:21.000 They're fucking badass.

02:29:22.000 Do you see the picture?

02:29:24.000 Pull up my stories.

02:29:25.000 They had a bottle of Tito's wrapped in caution tape in my suite yesterday.

02:29:31.000 And they're like, we'll hold this until November.

02:29:33.000 Then the dude rolled in.

02:29:34.000 Oh, that's awesome.

02:29:35.000 I told them, I go, man, I'm bummed.

02:29:38.000 I need a treat to be here, and I don't want to see any treats.

02:29:42.000 And they have a diet root beer.

02:29:43.000 Dude came back with Kool-Aid packets.

02:29:45.000 No way.

02:29:45.000 A tray of Kool-Aid packets.

02:29:47.000 That's private suite.

02:29:48.000 This is the fucking greatest.

02:29:49.000 Oh, look at that.

02:29:49.000 That's awesome.

02:29:50.000 Caution tape.

02:29:52.000 They are the best.

02:29:52.000 We'll save this for you until November.

02:29:54.000 Oh, I get it now.

02:29:54.000 That's cool.

02:29:54.000 If you don't fly, then look, he just walked in with a thing of Kool-Aid for me.

02:29:59.000 What?

02:29:59.000 They're the best.

02:30:01.000 The fucking best.

02:30:02.000 Well, you drink Kool-Aid.

02:30:03.000 Are you drinking diet Kool-Aid or regular Kool-Aid?

02:30:05.000 Zero sugar.

02:30:06.000 What's in there?

02:30:07.000 Zero sugar.

02:30:08.000 It's zero sugar.

02:30:09.000 But what's in there?

02:30:09.000 It's not sugar.

02:30:13.000 What's the flavoring?

02:30:14.000 Have you ever looked at the ingredients?

02:30:15.000 It's triglycerides and peptides.

02:30:17.000 It's good shit.

02:30:19.000 Keeps you young.

02:30:20.000 The private sweets, the shit.

02:30:23.000 The first time I did it, they gifted it to me.

02:30:27.000 They said, you know, I was coming in, I was panicked.

02:30:30.000 I think my travel agent was like, hey, he's only got like eight hours in L.A., Private suite.

02:30:35.000 You get a membership, right?

02:30:36.000 I'm a member now.

02:30:37.000 Just at LAX or everywhere?

02:30:38.000 Just at LAX. At your main airport.

02:30:40.000 But you drive in.

02:30:41.000 You take a separate entrance.

02:30:42.000 They bring you into a suite.

02:30:43.000 What?

02:30:43.000 They have all the shit you like.

02:30:44.000 Liquid Death always.

02:30:46.000 Tito's.

02:30:47.000 They bring caviar.

02:30:49.000 What?

02:30:49.000 Caviar.

02:30:50.000 What?

02:30:50.000 It's next.

02:30:51.000 It's the greatest treat you can give yourself flying that isn't flying private.

02:30:56.000 It's the greatest treat you can give yourself.

02:30:58.000 You're all about treats.

02:31:00.000 I'm defined by treats.

02:31:01.000 You're all about rewards.

02:31:02.000 I'm defined by treats.

02:31:03.000 When you guys are talking about self-help books, I have a self-help book that I have chaptered out for the way I get by.

02:31:09.000 Because there's more people that are like me than going to be like Cam Haynes.

02:31:13.000 So I want those guys to succeed.

02:31:15.000 And one of the things, number one thing, and I bet you've asked a lot of people that are successful, the number one thing I need is treats.

02:31:21.000 I need a treat.

02:31:22.000 I need something to look forward to at the end of the day.

02:31:24.000 And right now it's Kool-Aid.

02:31:25.000 I bet I have it in my pocket.

02:31:27.000 I just don't walk around without Kool-Aid.

02:31:30.000 Yeah, I got Kool-Aid in my pocket.

02:31:31.000 I don't walk around without Kool-Aid.

02:31:32.000 Because I get a bottle of water and I go, I know I should drink this water, but I need a treat.

02:31:36.000 I need something to...

02:31:37.000 Why don't you put liquid IV in there?

02:31:39.000 I love liquid IV. Liquid IV tastes great and it's actually good for you.

02:31:41.000 I love liquid IV. They're a little bigger packets.

02:31:44.000 Too big for your pocket?

02:31:45.000 Yeah.

02:31:48.000 But PrivateSuite is...

02:31:49.000 So the first time I use it, they go, we want you to experience the...

02:31:53.000 Your problem with Liquid IV is the packet size?

02:31:55.000 Why don't you get a fanny pack?

02:31:56.000 They're pretty big.

02:31:57.000 Why don't you get a fanny pack?

02:31:58.000 How come you don't have a fanny pack?

02:31:59.000 I have one in the morning, but I'm not putting them in my pocket.

02:32:01.000 You seem like a guy that needs a fanny pack.

02:32:03.000 How come you don't use one?

02:32:04.000 I'm a fanny pack guy.

02:32:06.000 Are you?

02:32:07.000 Yeah, I'm a fanny pack guy.

02:32:07.000 I love fanny packs.

02:32:08.000 Do you want one like this?

02:32:08.000 I have these.

02:32:09.000 I want one definitely like that.

02:32:11.000 Legitimately, this is much smaller.

02:32:12.000 This is much smaller.

02:32:13.000 First time, this is how PrivateSuite hooked me.

02:32:16.000 I got eight hours at home.

02:32:17.000 My travel agent reaches out.

02:32:18.000 There's a place called Private Suite.

02:32:20.000 They'll meet you at the plane, take you off the plane in a car, and get you home.

02:32:23.000 And so they grab your bags for you.

02:32:25.000 You don't have to go through any of this stuff.

02:32:26.000 Oh, that's great.

02:32:27.000 And so I go, and they go, we know you're on a time crunch.

02:32:30.000 We got you a helicopter taking you home.

02:32:33.000 What?

02:32:33.000 I flew LAX to Burbank.

02:32:35.000 I was home in, from the second we touched down, I was home in 20 fucking minutes.

02:32:41.000 That's fucking sweet.

02:32:42.000 And the guy gets in the helicopter and he goes, you want to go to the interstate?

02:32:46.000 You want to go to the ocean?

02:32:47.000 I go, go to the ocean.

02:32:48.000 He goes, you want to get low?

02:32:49.000 And I was like, fuck yeah.

02:32:51.000 What?

02:32:51.000 And we flew about 20 feet off the fucking ocean just...

02:32:56.000 And then got to Burbank and I was home.

02:32:57.000 Another good impression of the sound.

02:32:59.000 You're just killing the sound.

02:33:00.000 What the fuck?

02:33:02.000 And by the way, Private Suite, if you're not cool with me talking about this, I apologize.

02:33:05.000 I'll never leave you.

02:33:06.000 I'll never leave you.

02:33:06.000 I'll be a member forever.

02:33:07.000 Why don't we do a tour?

02:33:09.000 Let's do a little tour together.

02:33:10.000 Just a few dates.

02:33:12.000 Can I promote it?

02:33:12.000 Because we'll be doing fucking stadiums.

02:33:15.000 We will be doing fucking stadiums.

02:33:17.000 I don't like outdoors.

02:33:17.000 Tell me what you want to do, Joe.

02:33:18.000 The Gorge?

02:33:19.000 Let's do The Gorge.

02:33:20.000 What's The Gorge?

02:33:21.000 There's a great music festival there near Seattle.

02:33:24.000 We do The Gorge.

02:33:24.000 We do that cave in fucking Tennessee.

02:33:26.000 Have you seen The Cave?

02:33:27.000 Type in Cave Theater, Tennessee.

02:33:29.000 This is fucking next level.

02:33:31.000 Look, I'm all about...

02:33:34.000 Eventizing an evening.

02:33:35.000 I love, there's nothing I love more than hearing Steely Dan's coming to the Hollywood Bowl.

02:33:39.000 Look at this.

02:33:40.000 Oh my god, where is that?

02:33:42.000 That's intense!

02:33:45.000 Oh my god, that's amazing!

02:33:48.000 Holy shit, that's incredible!

02:33:50.000 Why have I never heard of this?

02:33:51.000 Dude, I'm telling you right now.

02:33:53.000 Who is that on stage?

02:33:54.000 I think it's your mom.

02:33:55.000 Oh my god, my mom.

02:34:01.000 Dude, that fucking cave looks incredible.

02:34:04.000 Look at the gorge.

02:34:05.000 That's fucking Red Rocks.

02:34:07.000 Red Rocks, I might be the most jealous of anyone I've ever seen play a venue was you playing Red Rocks.

02:34:14.000 You love Red Rocks?

02:34:15.000 It's just so cool.

02:34:16.000 John Denver said if I had one set left in my life, it would be Red Rocks.

02:34:20.000 You haven't done Red Rocks?

02:34:20.000 No.

02:34:23.000 The Beatles played there.

02:34:26.000 It's such a great night in that you get there early.

02:34:29.000 That's where Bird did his last special.

02:34:31.000 You get there early.

02:34:32.000 You go in.

02:34:33.000 I've been hiking there.

02:34:36.000 That's the first time I did Red Rocks.

02:34:38.000 I'm a little overweight there.

02:34:40.000 I think I gave Norma that shirt.

02:34:41.000 You look exactly the same.

02:34:42.000 I know.

02:34:47.000 Oh.

02:34:47.000 But Red Rocks, you go in, you get in there early, you do your sound check, you get an IV, you get dinner at the venue.

02:34:54.000 They make great dinner.

02:34:55.000 Then everyone starts piling in, the show starts.

02:34:57.000 The best part of Red Rocks is they give you an option.

02:34:59.000 You can go to Sebastian Maniscalco, get in the Sprinter, get out immediately.

02:35:03.000 Or you gotta wait till traffic dies.

02:35:04.000 Are you telling me I get to make a Tito's and soda and have a joint and sit on stage at Red Rocks?

02:35:09.000 Sit on stage as they go?

02:35:11.000 It's empty.

02:35:12.000 You smoke a joint and go, fuck yes.

02:35:14.000 See the stars out there.

02:35:16.000 Dude, it's amazing.

02:35:17.000 And the thing that I'm really attached to right now is...

02:35:26.000 Immersing yourself in the fan experience as an artist and saying, what do I want out of life?

02:35:30.000 I think it's easy for you to go, who gets me excited?

02:35:34.000 Like if you're a fan of like Wilco, I'm a fan of Wilco.

02:35:37.000 I saw Wilco at fucking these cocksuckers.

02:35:40.000 I saw him at Red Rocks and I was high and I was drunk.

02:35:42.000 And I was crying.

02:35:44.000 One of the songs, Ballin' Crying, cameraman just puts the camera on me, and I'm sobbing, crying, holding my wife, singing along.

02:35:50.000 But that moment for me is beautiful because I love Wilco.

02:35:54.000 And I got to see him at the most beautiful venue ever.

02:35:57.000 I try to do that for my tour.

02:35:59.000 Looking at you from the audience.

02:36:00.000 From the audience perspective.

02:36:01.000 If you're a fan of Burt, what do you want?

02:36:03.000 And this is what's great about touring when we did Fully Loaded with Shane Gillis.

02:36:07.000 He goes, are you fucking kidding me?

02:36:09.000 We're at a baseball field and you're just going to walk on stage?

02:36:11.000 He goes, you come running in from right field, the bullpen.

02:36:15.000 You come in.

02:36:15.000 Play the walkout song.

02:36:16.000 Play the walkout song.

02:36:17.000 Marianna Ravana.

02:36:19.000 Yeah, whatever.

02:36:20.000 Fucking...

02:36:21.000 The Metallica song, you know?

02:36:23.000 Enter Sandman.

02:36:24.000 Enter Sandman.

02:36:25.000 Enter Sandman.

02:36:25.000 Because it's lights out.

02:36:27.000 And by the way, I got chills right now.

02:36:31.000 I go up for that and just sprinting.

02:36:34.000 We do Thunder Valley.

02:36:35.000 They go, we'll put you in a sprint car and we'll play...

02:36:39.000 At the starting line.

02:36:41.000 And you're going 90 miles an hour standing up in a fucking car.

02:36:46.000 Like that.

02:36:47.000 For me, I think that's amazing.

02:36:49.000 So when you say a tour of us, my cock gets hard.

02:36:54.000 And I go, you eventized that.

02:36:57.000 How come we haven't done that yet?

02:36:58.000 We talked about it before.

02:37:00.000 It's always been scheduled.

02:37:01.000 We have to plan it far out.

02:37:02.000 That's the truth.

02:37:03.000 Well, we have to plan it far out because I need to write a whole new act.

02:37:05.000 I'm in that spot where we're just filmed and I've got to fucking figure out how to put together an hour.

02:37:11.000 He's the problem.

02:37:12.000 Because he's already doing the biggest venues you can do.

02:37:15.000 Right, but he'll be done around the time that the club's open and I'm ready to...

02:37:19.000 He's touring until his children are in high school.

02:37:20.000 No.

02:37:21.000 I do have my international stuff next year, but it ends in May.

02:37:25.000 That's April, yeah.

02:37:26.000 We could do June or later.

02:37:27.000 June or later is good.

02:37:28.000 That's a good timeline.

02:37:29.000 I got fully loaded, too.

02:37:31.000 Later, later.

02:37:32.000 I'm doing it for six weeks.

02:37:32.000 Or October-ish.

02:37:33.000 Yeah, but that's just six weeks.

02:37:35.000 So we talk about August, September.

02:37:37.000 September.

02:37:37.000 I'd do it.

02:37:38.000 Yeah.

02:37:38.000 It'd be fun.

02:37:39.000 It'd be fun.

02:37:39.000 Well, really, the way to do it is right before Sober October.

02:37:44.000 Alright, yeah, right we don't want to do it in October right fuck party in September then are we committed to sober October for the rest of our lives Can I make a couple suggestions for next year's weed put weed back on the menu?

02:37:55.000 This tonight is gonna be a triggering event for me Because I haven't been in a situation where booze should be here or I should be on acid for Roger Waters Yeah, and that will be up I'll be itchy.

02:38:07.000 I hung out with Roger Waters yesterday and I played pool with him.

02:38:09.000 You did?

02:38:10.000 You guys podcasted?

02:38:11.000 Yeah, we podcast, played pool.

02:38:12.000 How was he?

02:38:13.000 He's great.

02:38:14.000 He's awesome.

02:38:15.000 He's such an interesting guy.

02:38:17.000 He's so fucking smart.

02:38:18.000 I had an interview with him for the 25th or 30th anniversary of Dark Side of the Moon.

02:38:25.000 And they were like, did you know when you were writing this what kind of effect, how big it would be?

02:38:30.000 And he was like, yeah, I mean, it's great.

02:38:34.000 He takes his shit very, very seriously.

02:38:36.000 I think he did an interview recently about Russia.

02:38:40.000 Very anti-war.

02:38:41.000 Oh, we talked about that a lot yesterday.

02:38:43.000 But he was kind of pro-Russian in his stance, right?

02:38:47.000 No, not necessarily.

02:38:48.000 He was saying that there's reasons why they're reacting this way.

02:38:51.000 It's because we violated treaties.

02:38:53.000 NATO has pushed weapons.

02:38:54.000 Dave Smith was talking about that, too.

02:38:56.000 It's interesting.

02:38:56.000 It's not as simple and cut and dry as everybody said.

02:38:58.000 We orchestrated a coup there in 2014. I mean, it's not that simple.

02:39:02.000 It's like they've openly tried to persuade Ukraine to join NATO, and there's a lot going on with that.

02:39:10.000 I mean, it's not to excuse what Putin did.

02:39:12.000 Putin did something absolutely horrific, but it's not like he wasn't provoked.

02:39:16.000 Well, sure.

02:39:16.000 He was provoked.

02:39:17.000 And it's not like there aren't people that have a movie in a can about Russia that are waiting to release until this fucking war's over.

02:39:22.000 Yeah, when was that movie completed?

02:39:23.000 It's over.

02:39:24.000 We're fucking sitting here because...

02:39:25.000 When was it completed?

02:39:26.000 How long ago?

02:39:26.000 Almost a year ago.

02:39:27.000 Probably a year ago.

02:39:28.000 That is so wild that you can't release it because it's kind of pro-Russia.

02:39:32.000 I think you were done over a year ago.

02:39:34.000 Yeah.

02:39:35.000 And the war started and they were just like, oh, let's just...

02:39:37.000 I remember them going, we don't want...

02:39:39.000 You talking about the war.

02:39:42.000 That's probably smart.

02:39:43.000 You're probably not the expert on that.

02:39:45.000 I was like, wait, are we not pro-Russia?

02:39:46.000 And they're like, okay, good call.

02:39:47.000 Good call.

02:39:49.000 Let's wait another two months.

02:39:50.000 I was like, wait, I thought we were, guys, guys, they're our allies, right?

02:39:53.000 Are Axis something?

02:39:54.000 The best left?

02:39:55.000 Axis of evil.

02:39:56.000 That sounds pretty cool.

02:39:57.000 Who's that?

02:39:59.000 Hitler had friends.

02:40:00.000 They were our allies at one point in time.

02:40:03.000 The best, best Pink Floyd song, in your opinion.

02:40:09.000 There's a song that you go...

02:40:10.000 There's so many.

02:40:11.000 I mean, for me, it's money.

02:40:13.000 Money is fucking great.

02:40:15.000 It's for you coming out this autumn.

02:40:17.000 Fucking song is so good.

02:40:19.000 That song does rip.

02:40:20.000 Wasting away!

02:40:22.000 And the way they use non-instrumental instruments to start off, that was pretty good.

02:40:31.000 Good job, man.

02:40:32.000 Way to go, Michael Winslow.

02:40:33.000 I learned from the master.

02:40:34.000 Taking away the moments to make up a dull day.

02:40:37.000 That transition into that song, that...

02:40:41.000 Here we go.

02:40:43.000 This is money, right?

02:40:45.000 Yeah.

02:40:46.000 Money!

02:40:48.000 It's so badass.

02:40:50.000 It's so badass.

02:40:51.000 They have so many good fucking songs.

02:40:53.000 And when you talk to Roger, you kind of know where it's coming from, man.

02:40:57.000 It's like, the guy is so deep.

02:41:00.000 I mean, the...

02:41:02.000 Goddamn, this is good.

02:41:37.000 Right now Burt is picturing walking shirtless onto stage.

02:41:41.000 What's the point of this song?

02:41:43.000 What's the switch though?

02:41:44.000 He's like, it's not the way to live life?

02:41:47.000 I think it's pointing out how crazy it is, the obsession that people have with money.

02:41:55.000 The best is the one song they have about trying to split up the band.

02:42:00.000 How people were trying to split it up?

02:42:01.000 Yeah.

02:42:02.000 Hey kid, you'll go far.

02:42:04.000 I think you'll be a big star.

02:42:05.000 As long as you get rid of it.

02:42:06.000 Which one of you is pink?

02:42:07.000 What's that song, Jamie?

02:42:10.000 And then ten years will pass.

02:42:11.000 That's my favorite lyric.

02:42:12.000 How does it go?

02:42:13.000 And then ten years will pass without you noticing.

02:42:17.000 Yeah.

02:42:18.000 I would listen to this every day in Serbia going to the...

02:42:20.000 Have a cigar.

02:42:23.000 Yeah.

02:42:28.000 How are we going to go to see this sober?

02:42:30.000 That's crazy.

02:42:31.000 How are we going to go to see this sober?

02:42:32.000 I feel like we should have a one-day weed pass.

02:42:35.000 Matt Stacks had a good point.

02:42:37.000 Religious exemption.

02:42:38.000 Oh, this is a religion.

02:42:41.000 Where's the show?

02:42:42.000 Oh, this is such a jam.

02:42:43.000 Where's the show?

02:42:45.000 It's here.

02:42:46.000 But what movie is it?

02:42:47.000 I'm not sure.

02:42:50.000 And you know, he's got this insane visual.

02:42:53.000 Oh my god, it's so fucking cool.

02:42:55.000 Almost like a sin not to smoke weed.

02:42:58.000 When I saw him...

02:43:00.000 Keep talking.

02:43:02.000 I like what you're saying.

02:43:06.000 This with lights?

02:43:07.000 Oh my god.

02:43:08.000 I'm gonna buy a can of paint and a paper bag.

02:43:13.000 You guys have new poppers.

02:43:16.000 Whatever I gotta do.

02:43:17.000 I'm gonna hold my breath.

02:43:18.000 He had a bunch of kids come out on stage with torture masks on.

02:43:39.000 He's just talking about agents trying to fuck up his shit.

02:43:41.000 I'll do it.

02:43:48.000 This is the...

02:43:53.000 Which one's pink?

02:43:58.000 He wants to split them up immediately.

02:44:00.000 That's what they're trying to do to us, guys.

02:44:02.000 The band's fantastic.

02:44:03.000 I love it.

02:44:03.000 Which one's pink?

02:44:05.000 Who's trying to split us up?

02:44:07.000 Hollywood, baby.

02:44:09.000 Hollywood, baby.

02:44:14.000 Hollywood has about as much influence on us as that banana rat does.

02:44:20.000 That's true.

02:44:21.000 We're completely removed.

02:44:23.000 We're the industry now.

02:44:25.000 You can choose to dip into it if you want, but you don't have to.

02:44:28.000 It's so funny, especially when comics come under fire and people turn on your friends, and you're like, no.

02:44:34.000 Why?

02:44:35.000 What are you talking about, no?

02:44:36.000 Suck it.

02:44:37.000 Well, the people that don't have friends want you to turn on your friends.

02:44:40.000 The people that are in this like weird fucking group of people that are secretly fucking jealous and bitter of each other and they're all talking shit about each other.

02:44:48.000 Those are the ones that want you to turn on each other because they want you to be like them.

02:44:52.000 But that's what this used to be.

02:44:54.000 I remember when I started this business, no one had friends.

02:44:56.000 You were kind of friends with people until they got something.

02:45:00.000 Yeah, that's it.

02:45:01.000 There's still guys like that out there.

02:45:03.000 They're friends with you until you do really well, and then they just fucking hate.

02:45:07.000 But those are just bitter, weird narcissists.

02:45:09.000 You guys started in a different system than I did.

02:45:10.000 Well, you started in the system that we created.

02:45:13.000 Store of door guys of low-level people that it was like, finally, it was almost like when Pesci got, not Pesci, when Pesci got happy that, what's his name, got made.

02:45:21.000 It was like one of us.

02:45:22.000 Right.

02:45:22.000 Getting made.

02:45:23.000 As soon as somebody got passed, Aaron Cater was the first one to get passed, and we're like, yes!

02:45:26.000 Yes!

02:45:27.000 Yeah, but I was already passed.

02:45:30.000 We were like that because we realized there was a benefit in all being together.

02:45:34.000 Yeah.

02:45:35.000 And that we realized that there's so much more fun and camaraderie than there's this weird, bitter loneliness.

02:45:40.000 The driver brought me in today.

02:45:42.000 He's like, you've been on here a lot, huh, on this podcast?

02:45:43.000 I was like, yeah.

02:45:44.000 I was like, oh, I've known Joe.

02:45:45.000 I was like, there's a few guys that when you started were like dicks, and there was a few guys like, You and Ralphie and they were like, you're funny, man.

02:45:52.000 You can do this.

02:45:53.000 It's just supportive.

02:45:55.000 I would say for no reason, but it's a human reason to do it, you know?

02:45:59.000 It's a human reason.

02:46:00.000 It benefits us.

02:46:01.000 The more people that are good, that are doing well, it benefits everybody.

02:46:05.000 This weird thing that it's all for you, that famine mentality is so poisonous for everything.

02:46:11.000 Not just for comedy, for every art form.

02:46:14.000 You want other people out there to kill you.

02:46:16.000 It's good for you.

02:46:18.000 It's good for everyone.

02:46:19.000 And it's definitely good for them.

02:46:20.000 My best compliments, when people are like, I like this, I like that, my best is like, dude, you showed me so many comics from This Is Not Happening.

02:46:27.000 I discovered all these people.

02:46:29.000 Well, you're great at that, too, highlighting people on your social media, too, that are really good.

02:46:34.000 You've always been that.

02:46:35.000 You've always been a little more socialist.

02:46:39.000 Socialist, yeah.

02:46:40.000 That's a good way to put it.

02:46:41.000 I told you this last night, but I try to implement that a little bit where you try to help put people over and stuff.

02:46:48.000 Yeah, put them over.

02:46:49.000 But then you start looking at it, and this sounds crazy, but then you get to a place where these guys that, like, you kind of tried to help.

02:46:55.000 I had a conversation with Tim Dillon.

02:46:56.000 I apologize, Tim, if I'm overstepping my boundaries.

02:46:59.000 But we were talking in my front yard, and he was saying, you know, you were one of the first guys to put me on a podcast, and I'll never forget it.

02:47:04.000 And I was out in L.A. And I was like, yeah, yeah.

02:47:07.000 And then you think, these guys you're trying to put over one day...

02:47:10.000 Will be over.

02:47:11.000 And now, like, Tim's a big get for me.

02:47:14.000 I can't announce it, but I have a big thing I'm doing with Tim.

02:47:17.000 And I was, like, really grateful that he did it.

02:47:19.000 Pioneer contest?

02:47:20.000 And then you think to yourself, like, it's crazy how quick that shifts, that paradigm of like, Chris DiStefano, great guy to get on the podcast like two years ago, and now you're like, hey man, you're in LA, can you do my podcast?

02:47:36.000 And you know, it's like these, Mark Norman, Shane, like these guys all kind of pop, Yanni, and like all these guys kind of pop.

02:47:42.000 Schultz!

02:47:43.000 I remember Schultz did Something's Burnham when I was in New York.

02:47:45.000 And I was like, we were talking, it was like, oh, it's good to have you on.

02:47:48.000 And then now he's like...

02:47:49.000 He was so quick.

02:47:50.000 He crushed it with that thing, too, with that special.

02:47:53.000 Oh, my God.

02:47:53.000 Just the YouTube, there were 5 million views in a week.

02:47:56.000 It goes 100,000 a day.

02:47:58.000 That's amazing.

02:47:58.000 I checked it today.

02:48:01.000 Yesterday I saw it and I went, oh, shit, 5.5 a week.

02:48:03.000 Shots is another one.

02:48:04.000 I was like, I had like a...

02:48:05.000 Late to the game on clips, putting clips up, but I had a good riff on stage and we had a tape of it.

02:48:11.000 I was like, hey, is there a way?

02:48:12.000 I just wrote him.

02:48:12.000 He goes, yeah, yeah.

02:48:14.000 You need big lettering.

02:48:15.000 You need a big close-up of your face.

02:48:16.000 Actually, you know what?

02:48:17.000 Send me the clip.

02:48:18.000 I'll have my guy fix it up and send it back to you.

02:48:20.000 Yeah.

02:48:21.000 A lot of people are like, I don't know man, you figure it out.

02:48:24.000 People who hoard information.

02:48:27.000 He came from New York to L.A. I remember when Schultz came to L.A. He's like, dude, the scene here is so different.

02:48:34.000 Everyone's so fucking supportive.

02:48:35.000 He came to the store.

02:48:37.000 He came to the store, and I gave him a big hug.

02:48:39.000 I go, what's up?

02:48:40.000 Nice to meet you, man.

02:48:41.000 And he's like, you want to do a spot?

02:48:42.000 I go, fuck yeah.

02:48:43.000 I did a spot on his show, and we were all hanging out.

02:48:45.000 And he's like, dude, everyone here is so fucking supportive and friendly.

02:48:49.000 It's so different than New York.

02:48:51.000 He's like, you guys are fucking doing it right, man.

02:48:54.000 And I think he just fucking ran with that.

02:48:56.000 He brought that vibe to New York.

02:48:57.000 Yes!

02:48:58.000 That's the best vibe, man.

02:48:59.000 We're all in this together.

02:49:00.000 There's not that many of us.

02:49:01.000 Yeah, there's not that many of us.

02:49:02.000 There's like a thousand of us on Earth.

02:49:04.000 Like, really legitimate comics.

02:49:06.000 There's a thousand of us on Earth, on the planet.

02:49:10.000 And it's fucking hard to get there, man.

02:49:11.000 And if you can grab someone who's coming up and give them some words of encouragement and help them and take them on the road with you a little bit and give them some tips and boost them up a little and get them on your podcast, you're fucking doing a service, man.

02:49:23.000 Bringing them on the road.

02:49:24.000 To all of us.

02:49:24.000 Paying them.

02:49:25.000 Especially, I think, probably we've all sort of forgotten, like...

02:49:29.000 The status you've gotten to a new young comic who watched you before they even did comedy.

02:49:35.000 Carlin would sit in the back of the room and when people got up, they're like, hey man, that was really funny.

02:49:38.000 He knew he was George Carlin giving you that compliment.

02:49:41.000 And it's tough to remember who now, what your name means, but a little bit of just like, hey, that was a really funny joke.

02:49:47.000 It goes a long way to a young comic.

02:49:49.000 Do you remember the first comic that complimented any of my jokes?

02:49:55.000 The first compliment I got from a real comic was Jim Norton.

02:49:58.000 And I was like, I'm in.

02:50:00.000 I'm in.

02:50:01.000 I'm in.

02:50:01.000 I'm there.

02:50:02.000 I'm there.

02:50:02.000 It gets you from quitting.

02:50:03.000 The in-between days where you're like, I don't know if I can do this.

02:50:05.000 For me, it was Marc Maron.

02:50:07.000 Really?

02:50:08.000 Marc Maron gave me a compliment when I was an open-miker.

02:50:11.000 Pulled me aside.

02:50:11.000 He goes, you're really funny, man.

02:50:12.000 You're really doing some good stuff, man.

02:50:14.000 Keep at it.

02:50:14.000 It's great.

02:50:15.000 Wow.

02:50:16.000 He was like, don't listen to anybody.

02:50:17.000 Just keep doing your shit.

02:50:18.000 I was like...

02:50:19.000 It was giant.

02:50:21.000 I was like a year in.

02:50:22.000 It was giant.

02:50:24.000 It made me feel so good.

02:50:25.000 Just a little compliment like that.

02:50:27.000 Louie and I were talking about that the other day.

02:50:29.000 Someone's saying that to you.

02:50:30.000 When you're coming up, it's so valuable.

02:50:32.000 Someone that thinks you're good.

02:50:34.000 I say that to every comic that I see that gets me to laugh.

02:50:39.000 I say, you've got the hardest part already.

02:50:41.000 You're funny.

02:50:41.000 Just keep doing it.

02:50:42.000 Just keep working, keep grinding, just keep fucking writing new shit and keep doing it.

02:50:48.000 You've already got the hardest part.

02:50:49.000 The hardest part is being funny.

02:50:51.000 Everything else is just work.

02:50:53.000 It's so hard.

02:50:54.000 Some people never figure out the funny thing, man.

02:50:56.000 They just don't get it.

02:50:58.000 It's like they can't grab it.

02:51:00.000 Almost they touch it, and it runs away from them.

02:51:02.000 They just can't get it.

02:51:03.000 And you'll see them ten years later, and they still can't get it.

02:51:06.000 That's the sad one.

02:51:07.000 I still don't get it.

02:51:09.000 At times, you ever had someone compliment a joke of yours that Isn't the funniest joke you have?

02:51:15.000 And then you're like, well, now I've got to figure out that fucking joke.

02:51:18.000 And they find something in it that works.

02:51:19.000 Louis did that to me when we were in Minneapolis.

02:51:21.000 He came into this spot.

02:51:22.000 We were in theaters next door.

02:51:24.000 I said, why don't you come over and just do a quick spot?

02:51:26.000 He said, you sure?

02:51:27.000 And I was like, yeah.

02:51:28.000 Thinking, I thought he was talking about the cancel shit.

02:51:29.000 It was because...

02:51:30.000 He's a fucking monster.

02:51:32.000 Right.

02:51:32.000 I gotta follow Louis C.K. I didn't realize that.

02:51:34.000 Shirt comes off, everyone's like, boo.

02:51:37.000 Are you sure you want me to go in front of me?

02:51:39.000 I literally was like, I was like, Louis, I don't care about cancel culture.

02:51:43.000 And then I'm watching, I'm like, oh, I can't follow this.

02:51:48.000 And so he comes up and he goes, hey man, that deaf kid joke, fucking yes.

02:51:52.000 And I was like, out of all the things?

02:51:55.000 I was like, that's the one I don't...

02:51:56.000 That's not...

02:51:57.000 So now I've been fucking toiling with this one goddamn joke that he saw something in that I'm like, I guess there's some umami inside this joke that I can't find.

02:52:05.000 This is a Bryan Simpson joke.

02:52:06.000 I don't want to give up the joke because I would give up the premise.

02:52:08.000 It's too much.

02:52:09.000 But he's got this one joke.

02:52:11.000 The premise is so strong.

02:52:12.000 My God, dude, there's something there.

02:52:13.000 He goes, I know!

02:52:14.000 What is it?

02:52:16.000 What is it?

02:52:16.000 I go, I don't know, dude, but I laugh so hard just at the premise.

02:52:19.000 He's so funny.

02:52:19.000 He's so good.

02:52:21.000 He writes so much.

02:52:22.000 He's so disciplined.

02:52:23.000 He writes every day.

02:52:24.000 He always has new shit.

02:52:25.000 Oh, and it's so tight.

02:52:28.000 Yeah, he's really funny.

02:52:29.000 He's one of those guys.

02:52:30.000 There's this crop of upcoming guys, man, that are so strong.

02:52:33.000 And they're embracing stand-up.

02:52:35.000 And I think it's because of the guys that have already made it, that are really enthusiastic.

02:52:40.000 About them, too.

02:52:41.000 Yes.

02:52:42.000 Because everybody's excited about Brian.

02:52:43.000 He's the real deal.

02:52:44.000 He's the real deal.

02:52:45.000 And he thinks differently.

02:52:47.000 He thinks differently.

02:52:48.000 He thinks like a man.

02:52:49.000 And talks to you in analogies that I never fucking thought of.

02:52:53.000 Where you're like, oh shit, I didn't see it that way.

02:52:55.000 He's like, that's what life is.

02:52:56.000 And you're like...

02:52:57.000 His perspective is totally unique.

02:53:00.000 Yeah.

02:53:02.000 It's so fucking valuable, man.

02:53:03.000 I just remember right now, Tom, when you brought me to Crackers.

02:53:07.000 Oh yeah!

02:53:08.000 And it's probably, at the time for you, a $1,200 to $1,500 gig.

02:53:11.000 And you're like, it's break-even, Ari.

02:53:13.000 I couldn't get a headline gig anywhere except La Jolla.

02:53:15.000 And you're like, come break-even, but it'll get in the club.

02:53:19.000 And yeah, I did.

02:53:20.000 It was a big fucking thing for me.

02:53:21.000 Yeah, that was cool.

02:53:23.000 Dude, I took you on the road when you were a doorman.

02:53:26.000 That's a hard D used.

02:53:28.000 Doorman.

02:53:28.000 You were a doorman.

02:53:29.000 You were.

02:53:30.000 You were, like, just starting out, man.

02:53:32.000 That was actually, getting back from those first six months, all my friends were like, dude, you made a jump.

02:53:37.000 And it was like, yeah, playing 300 seaters.

02:53:38.000 Like, good crowds.

02:53:39.000 Oh, yeah, man.

02:53:40.000 Yeah, dude.

02:53:40.000 Well, you actually called.

02:53:42.000 Like, a lot of people would be like, hey, man, you're funny.

02:53:44.000 And they'd be like, give me your number.

02:53:46.000 Like, you know.

02:53:47.000 Oh yeah, how he found you.

02:53:48.000 Right, but those people just never call.

02:53:50.000 I remember one time I called an agent.

02:53:52.000 I was like, hey, your client said that they wanted to take me on tour.

02:53:55.000 And they were like, okay.

02:53:56.000 And then I followed up and they were like, yeah, they don't want to do that.

02:54:00.000 I was like, oh, okay.

02:54:01.000 Well, we worked with like 20 different comics on that Charlie Murphy tour.

02:54:05.000 And you were the one I worked with in Phoenix.

02:54:07.000 And you went up in Phoenix and I think you did like three minutes.

02:54:10.000 Yeah, three minutes.

02:54:11.000 What?

02:54:12.000 Killed.

02:54:12.000 And then I remember pulling you aside and going, dude, you're fucking good.

02:54:17.000 Yeah, but I still was, he was like, you know, give me your number.

02:54:19.000 I was like, okay.

02:54:20.000 Sure.

02:54:21.000 I didn't think anything of it.

02:54:22.000 Because so much smoke.

02:54:23.000 I saw Mooney, he got off stage with some guy from HBO. I was like, Paul, I haven't seen you in a while.

02:54:28.000 I was like, uh-huh, you haven't.

02:54:30.000 And he goes, well, I just didn't stop.

02:54:33.000 He goes, we'd love to do something again.

02:54:34.000 He goes, I bet you would.

02:54:36.000 And he goes, give me your number.

02:54:38.000 Do you have a pen?

02:54:39.000 I don't have a pen.

02:54:39.000 I goes, no, I don't, motherfucker.

02:54:41.000 Do you?

02:54:43.000 Because he had just been like, I've had smoke blood on my ass for decades.

02:54:46.000 He was Richard Pryor's writer.

02:54:48.000 He wrote with Richard Pryor.

02:54:50.000 Paul Mooney's a legend.

02:54:51.000 He's a legend.

02:54:51.000 He was one of the ones that really bummed me out when he died because I had an opportunity to see him one night at the store and I decided to go do something else.

02:54:57.000 I remember someone said, Mooney's going to do a set at the store.

02:55:00.000 And I hadn't seen him in years.

02:55:01.000 And I know he had been in New York for a while.

02:55:03.000 And then he was doing a set at the store.

02:55:05.000 I don't remember what I had to do.

02:55:06.000 It was sad at the end.

02:55:08.000 Yeah, but I still wish I said hi and gave him a hug.

02:55:11.000 It always is.

02:55:13.000 It's just like he was...

02:55:14.000 Whatever the disease was, it wasn't...

02:55:17.000 He still had some killer bits, but it made you sad.

02:55:20.000 Yeah, but...

02:55:21.000 You saw a man, like, dying.

02:55:22.000 But there's those things that, like, he was one of those guys.

02:55:25.000 Like, I told you that was...

02:55:26.000 Him telling me I was funny was just, like, giant to me.

02:55:30.000 It's like there's guys that just don't impress easily.

02:55:33.000 When those guys come up to you and say something to you, it's fucking big.

02:55:37.000 I remember, this is going to sound so stupid, Patrice did it for me on Twitter one time.

02:55:44.000 What?

02:55:45.000 I fucking birthed Conker or whatever, and I was in a hotel room in San Antonio, and he just put out a tweet saying, hey, congrats to my buddy, or whatever.

02:55:53.000 I don't know.

02:55:54.000 I'm not going to paraphrase.

02:55:55.000 I know I'm going to fluff it up.

02:55:57.000 But it's great to see Burt Kreischer succeeding.

02:55:59.000 He's been an OG or whatever in the business.

02:56:02.000 And I remember my cameraman, Scott Sands, was like, dude, because he knew how much Patrice meant to me.

02:56:07.000 He's like, Patrice, did you see what he just tweeted?

02:56:09.000 And I read it, and I shut my door, and I fucking cried.

02:56:12.000 I was like, dude, he was the fucking, I mean, he was like...

02:56:18.000 He was a special voice, too.

02:56:20.000 Yeah, real.

02:56:21.000 Very, very special.

02:56:23.000 He's a guy that I think if he was alive today, he'd have the biggest podcast.

02:56:26.000 I would be number two.

02:56:27.000 He would be number one.

02:56:28.000 Patrice?

02:56:28.000 Yeah.

02:56:29.000 Let's be very fair.

02:56:31.000 No, he wouldn't.

02:56:31.000 He would not have the biggest podcast.

02:56:34.000 You'd have a hard time listening to it.

02:56:36.000 What are you talking about?

02:56:37.000 He was great on ONA. He was great on ONA, but he did have a podcast, and it was tough to listen to.

02:56:42.000 He did?

02:56:42.000 Oh yeah, he had the Dr. Phillips podcast.

02:56:45.000 Oh yeah, Black Phillip.

02:56:46.000 Black Phillip.

02:56:47.000 He had out there theories.

02:56:48.000 And if you allow Patrice to, if you allow Patrice one mic with no pushback, sometimes it could go into some places where you're like, I don't feel like that totally.

02:56:59.000 I'm just being fair.

02:57:00.000 I love, you know, I love the guy to death.

02:57:03.000 He had the capacity to say, I'm sorry.

02:57:05.000 Yeah, but you have to find your voice in a podcast.

02:57:07.000 You have to figure out how to do it.

02:57:08.000 We all had to figure out how to do it right.

02:57:11.000 Yeah, but Patrice would have been great on this podcast.

02:57:14.000 He would have been amazing on this podcast.

02:57:16.000 Oh, he would have been amazing on this podcast.

02:57:17.000 Patrice was a genius at like...

02:57:21.000 Having an idea and putting it your way and then letting you kind of go and then just slamming it and going this, this, this.

02:57:31.000 He was so brilliant, but trust me, I listened to a lot of his podcasts and it was...

02:57:36.000 It was early days.

02:57:37.000 I remember I got a compliment from Attell in 05 and I was like, oh my god.

02:57:42.000 That could not have been a bigger compliment.

02:57:45.000 And then the next year, 06, he came through.

02:57:48.000 I love this.

02:57:48.000 And he was like, he requested me.

02:57:50.000 I got a call.

02:57:51.000 They're like, he requested you.

02:57:53.000 And I was like, oh my god.

02:57:55.000 And then after one of the shows, he was like, you don't have a new 20 minutes?

02:57:59.000 And I was like, what?

02:58:00.000 And he's like, what, do you want to be like an actor or something?

02:58:02.000 And I was like...

02:58:04.000 Like it went from the highest high to like, oh shit.

02:58:07.000 But also good tough love.

02:58:08.000 Oh, of course it was.

02:58:09.000 It was great.

02:58:10.000 It was super good.

02:58:10.000 He does tough love to himself.

02:58:12.000 I had him in here the other day.

02:58:12.000 The toughest love to himself.

02:58:13.000 He's so self-deprecating and so humble.

02:58:17.000 It's like, dude, you're one of the greatest of all time.

02:58:20.000 He is the best, I mean, I'm not saying this lightly, the best comic in the world.

02:58:25.000 He is the best comic in the world.

02:58:26.000 He's consistently every night.

02:58:27.000 Certainly up there.

02:58:28.000 He's certainly up there with the greats of all time.

02:58:30.000 We did Rochester, and it was, you know, in the...

02:58:33.000 There's a whole city behind you.

02:58:35.000 No comic thought to use the city landscape as tags for jokes.

02:58:40.000 And Attell went up and he said, you know the kind of guy that goes to Monroe Community College?

02:58:44.000 And we turn around and there's a huge sign that the audience sees right above.

02:58:48.000 Oh, if you don't like that joke, just pray to the glowing cross up on the mountain.

02:58:52.000 And there's a cross up there.

02:58:53.000 I mean, he just worked so seamlessly, worked the city landscape into his bit.

02:58:58.000 Dude, he did sit stuff that weekend, I still haven't seen people do, which is like, we were doing like six show weekends at Brea, and Thursday, he would do, you know, his set, and there'd be like this joke, whatever, 20 minutes in, that kills, and then Friday early show,

02:59:15.000 there'd be a different punchline that would do worse, So Friday Late Show, I would listen, and it would be that joke again.

02:59:23.000 He didn't do the Thursday night one that killed it.

02:59:26.000 He tried yet another one.

02:59:28.000 Yeah, and I was like, what the fuck?

02:59:29.000 And he was doing this throughout his set all the time.

02:59:33.000 He was never satisfied, even if it was doing well.

02:59:37.000 He's always tweaking the exact words.

02:59:39.000 And then he was recording them.

02:59:39.000 Exact words.

02:59:40.000 I'd never seen somebody switch out the jokes.

02:59:42.000 He just doesn't self-promote at all.

02:59:44.000 No.

02:59:46.000 He also has a joke structure that's different than everybody, where we'll do tag, tag, tag, right?

02:59:52.000 And then the next level is tag, tag, up, up, like change the game on the third tag.

02:59:58.000 He does tag, change the game slightly, and then go ridiculous on the third.

03:00:02.000 In a way that you gotta get the audience along with you for that, and he does it.

03:00:07.000 He's a master, and he's one of those guys that quit drinking and actually got better.

03:00:14.000 Everyone quits drinking and gets better.

03:00:15.000 You too?

03:00:16.000 I'm such a better comic when I don't drink.

03:00:19.000 I don't drink on stage, but the laziness of the drinking in between, lack of motivation, lack of looking at my sets, lack of focus, it shows up and it rears its head.

03:00:30.000 I think it's fun to get drunk on stage every now and then and fuck your act up and try to figure it out in the moment or get high and do that.

03:00:36.000 But for the most part, I have to do stand-up sober.

03:00:38.000 I have to dial in.

03:00:40.000 There's weaknesses.

03:00:42.000 I was going back from Jackson getting ready for my special, and I was like, I'll get high on the road home with Adrian.

03:00:47.000 And then I was like, no, I know what else is going to happen if I get high.

03:00:49.000 I'll go home and watch TV. And if I don't get high, I'll go work on some of those taglines.

03:00:55.000 Damn, that's the opposite with me.

03:00:56.000 When I get home from a gig, I spark up a joint and sit in front of the computer.

03:01:00.000 Really?

03:01:01.000 Yeah, man.

03:01:01.000 That's my favorite time to write.

03:01:02.000 Like, right after I get off stage, because I'm fresh.

03:01:06.000 I just got off stage, and I have these ideas in my head, and everyone's asleep in my house.

03:01:10.000 So I just fucking open up the patio door, spark one up, and I get nervous and crazy and fucking paranoid, and then I run up in front of the computer and start writing.

03:01:19.000 That's a good habit.

03:01:20.000 You have a different motivation than other people.

03:01:22.000 You probably go on stage as a millionaire more than any millionaire in the world.

03:01:28.000 Yep.

03:01:29.000 There's not a lot of millionaires doing what you do.

03:01:31.000 You gotta work out, man.

03:01:33.000 You gotta do what got you to the dance.

03:01:36.000 I'd never stop.

03:01:38.000 You have to.

03:01:39.000 You have to do clubs.

03:01:40.000 I do little shitty shows.

03:01:42.000 I do everything.

03:01:43.000 When I landed, I texted.

03:01:44.000 I was like, I'm going to bed.

03:01:45.000 And then you were like, do a spot.

03:01:46.000 And I was like, I can't not do a spot.

03:01:48.000 I can write it off and go...

03:01:50.000 We shamed you.

03:01:51.000 I was texting with you when I was talking to Ari.

03:01:55.000 I was like, fuck, Bert's going to sleep.

03:01:56.000 No way.

03:01:57.000 Fuck that.

03:01:58.000 Emily will shame me.

03:01:59.000 She'll be like, hey, I won't call him for my avails at the store if I'm home.

03:02:03.000 And she'll just be like...

03:02:05.000 We have availability on Tuesday, and then as soon as I get that I go, I have to do it.

03:02:08.000 I have to do it.

03:02:10.000 You have to.

03:02:10.000 It's like, you gotta put in the work, man.

03:02:12.000 It's like there's no substitute for stage time.

03:02:15.000 There's no substitute for sets.

03:02:16.000 Like when you get in shape, one of the things that I realize when I do like a long tour, I really realized that for the first time when I did the Charlie Murphy tour, because we did 22 dates in a month.

03:02:27.000 So we were constantly on the road, and god damn, and I was talking to Red Band about this.

03:02:31.000 He's like, dude, there's something that happened to you, like around the 10th show.

03:02:35.000 You just got into this zone where you just, and you're in that right now because you're killing it.

03:02:39.000 We did like 24 shows last month, something like that.

03:02:43.000 Now you're just like, you know it.

03:02:45.000 There's no substitute for that.

03:02:46.000 I can do shit with this set right now where I can rearrange the whole order and then play the game in my head of figuring out what I haven't done yet.

03:02:54.000 Right.

03:02:54.000 Taking all the fight while you're killing with a bit going, what should I do next?

03:02:57.000 Yeah, yeah.

03:02:58.000 It's kind of fun to do.

03:02:59.000 Have you switched your opener up?

03:03:01.000 All the time.

03:03:02.000 And closer.

03:03:02.000 Yeah.

03:03:03.000 Well, Louis said to do that.

03:03:04.000 He said, develop a closing bit and then put it in the first part of your act.

03:03:08.000 Yeah.

03:03:08.000 And he goes, and then you have to follow it.

03:03:10.000 And he goes, and so Louis developed a whole hour in three months.

03:03:14.000 Yeah.

03:03:15.000 And he said he just developed 20 minutes, and then when he got that 20 minutes, he threw it away.

03:03:19.000 Yeah.

03:03:19.000 He's like, okay, that works now.

03:03:21.000 He's so disciplined in doing this.

03:03:23.000 People say, you know, they'll...

03:03:25.000 Because the hardest thing to do is go to the Vulcan or the store.

03:03:28.000 It's a hot crowd.

03:03:30.000 And to not go like, I'm going to go up there.

03:03:32.000 I just want to do well.

03:03:33.000 And he will deal with not doing well to figure out stuff, to do work.

03:03:38.000 It's the only way.

03:03:39.000 He knows the path of it.

03:03:39.000 He knows, yeah.

03:03:40.000 It's the only way.

03:03:41.000 It's fucking hard to do.

03:03:42.000 Is there a moment when you start a bit that you know is not that good yet?

03:03:45.000 It's like, I was killing last night and I threw this bit up there.

03:03:48.000 I'm like, I know this is not right.

03:03:49.000 I saw it.

03:03:51.000 I saw it.

03:03:52.000 I saw it go like this.

03:03:53.000 I heard it.

03:03:54.000 And then it's just a...

03:03:56.000 It's like, this is going to be something someday.

03:03:58.000 But right now, it's just like, bear with me.

03:04:00.000 There's something to this.

03:04:02.000 It's got a beginning and it doesn't have an end.

03:04:04.000 Because you're all in writing mode right now.

03:04:06.000 Yeah.

03:04:07.000 I have 11 new minutes.

03:04:10.000 That's exciting, though.

03:04:11.000 You did an hour of change last night.

03:04:13.000 Yeah, I did an hour 20. But I have 11 of it that's new.

03:04:17.000 And then five more that I'm scared to try.

03:04:19.000 It's just like I know it's like it eats shit.

03:04:21.000 And you're like, do I think I should eat it right now?

03:04:23.000 You know what I gotta do is a smaller place where it's not like a bunch of murderers.

03:04:27.000 Because last night was like Murderer's Row.

03:04:29.000 Everyone was just killing them.

03:04:30.000 That's a pop of the store now.

03:04:31.000 I say you can't go in between Fitzsimmons and Rogan and just bring out a notebook.

03:04:35.000 You can, but...

03:04:36.000 It's just like not the best environment for it.

03:04:38.000 Dude, nobody turns over an hour like Chappelle.

03:04:41.000 I have to see him live.

03:04:43.000 I have to see him live.

03:04:44.000 Oh my god, dude.

03:04:45.000 We did this show in Columbus.

03:04:47.000 You've never seen Chappelle live?

03:04:48.000 Saw him do some spots in Boston Comedy Club when I was a kid, but I've never seen him do live since I've been a comedian.

03:04:54.000 We did an arena two weeks ago in Columbus, and I was in Ohio, that's where he lives, a couple hours from his house.

03:05:01.000 He drove, and he got there four minutes before he went on stage.

03:05:04.000 That's crazy.

03:05:05.000 Yeah, and I wasn't sure if he was going to go up, so I told Tony, I go, you might be bringing me up, you might be bringing Dave up.

03:05:11.000 And so Dave shows up, he rolls in, he's like, ah, sunglasses on, and he goes on stage.

03:05:15.000 You want to see something crazy?

03:05:16.000 This is the audience not knowing that he's going to be there.

03:05:19.000 And then I walked with him to the stage and shined a light to Tony.

03:05:23.000 This is a fucking sold-out arena.

03:05:25.000 And play this, because this is...

03:05:27.000 I got blue scars.

03:05:29.000 The audience doesn't know that he's there yet.

03:05:33.000 So now they see him.

03:05:39.000 Look at this.

03:05:40.000 Damn.

03:05:43.000 Dude, it is a one minute standing ovation.

03:05:51.000 That's OSU's arena?

03:05:53.000 Yeah.

03:05:54.000 Wow.

03:05:54.000 Look at this.

03:06:01.000 They're losing their fucking minds.

03:06:07.000 That's wild.

03:06:08.000 Me and Tony sat in the tunnel before you go on stage just watching this.

03:06:15.000 It was like, this is magic, man.

03:06:17.000 This is like the Beatles.

03:06:19.000 That's incredible.

03:06:21.000 That's incredible.

03:06:23.000 How long did he do?

03:06:25.000 40 minutes?

03:06:26.000 30 minutes?

03:06:26.000 Something like that?

03:06:28.000 It was fucking incredible.

03:06:29.000 Wow.

03:06:30.000 He crushed.

03:06:31.000 But it wasn't just that.

03:06:33.000 It was the moment.

03:06:35.000 Because he's an Ohio guy, right?

03:06:37.000 So he's in Ohio.

03:06:38.000 And he's their own.

03:06:40.000 And he's the GOAT. And he gets on stage and they went fucking crazy.

03:06:43.000 That's rad.

03:06:44.000 He's brought a little bit back of that 1970s Elvis, Richard Pryor movie star.

03:06:52.000 That cool you can't manufacture.

03:06:56.000 Yeah, but that's really him, too.

03:06:57.000 He's such a good guy.

03:06:59.000 He's such a good guy, too.

03:07:01.000 He's such a fucking good person.

03:07:02.000 He has a comedian's ball every year, besides pandemic.

03:07:07.000 He just has a...

03:07:08.000 He rents out a place.

03:07:09.000 Every comedian in New York is invited.

03:07:11.000 And he has someone at the door who knows all the comedians in New York.

03:07:14.000 High level, low level.

03:07:15.000 Open bar.

03:07:16.000 Come have a great time on Dave.

03:07:18.000 And what does he do?

03:07:19.000 Does he do a show?

03:07:20.000 No.

03:07:20.000 Just hangs out?

03:07:21.000 He gets up.

03:07:22.000 He says...

03:07:22.000 He said like two minutes of words, whatever.

03:07:24.000 He puts on...

03:07:25.000 He used to have at the box.

03:07:26.000 So it was all these like weird like burlesque performers and stuff.

03:07:29.000 He just has an event.

03:07:30.000 He goes talk to each other.

03:07:31.000 Talk about comedy.

03:07:32.000 Wow.

03:07:32.000 You guys are all the future.

03:07:33.000 Wow.

03:07:33.000 Enjoy.

03:07:34.000 He threw this after party in New York that I went to after we did the...

03:07:37.000 Radio City?

03:07:38.000 No, we did The Garden.

03:07:41.000 Yeah.

03:07:41.000 And he did...

03:07:43.000 They're like, oh, he's having a party at this thing, and the parties are so much better than...

03:07:48.000 He had a movie!

03:07:49.000 Remember Dave Spell's Block Party?

03:07:50.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

03:07:51.000 I went to see that in a movie theater.

03:07:53.000 They were wild.

03:07:54.000 That's fucking incredible.

03:07:55.000 And he makes that announcement.

03:07:57.000 He gets on the mic.

03:07:58.000 There's a DJ there.

03:08:02.000 There's celebrities, but there's just regular people.

03:08:05.000 He's just like, put your phones away.

03:08:07.000 When he says something like, we don't take pictures, we make memories.

03:08:10.000 Stop taking pictures.

03:08:11.000 He's so cool.

03:08:12.000 Everybody just hangs out.

03:08:14.000 It's a great time for comedy.

03:08:15.000 He also, what you're saying, looking at it from the audience's point of view, he puts on a show.

03:08:19.000 I went to see Free Ticket, Live Nation friend Chris Burns was like, we want to go see his movie at Madison Square Garden.

03:08:24.000 I was like, okay.

03:08:25.000 But I know the tickets were like $100.

03:08:26.000 I'm like, to see a movie?

03:08:28.000 No.

03:08:29.000 Jeff Ross, Ronnie Chang, Jabberwockies, the movie, who's the guy who sings, Woo Ha, what's his name?

03:08:37.000 Buster Ryan.

03:08:38.000 Busta Rhymes, Fat Joe, Jon Stewart.

03:08:41.000 All performed?

03:08:42.000 Him, Jon Stewart and him together.

03:08:44.000 It's like, oh, right.

03:08:46.000 That's a bargain show.

03:08:48.000 But that's the thing.

03:08:50.000 Look, if you're performing, that's where Chappelle's killing it.

03:08:56.000 I don't think anyone goes to see a Dave Chappelle show and doesn't talk about it for a month.

03:09:00.000 Have such a good time.

03:09:02.000 I mean, it's like, you know, especially the shows you two were doing when you guys did the Tacoma Dome for 33,000 people.

03:09:07.000 25. I would have just let me go with it.

03:09:10.000 Don't lie.

03:09:11.000 We broke the attendance record.

03:09:13.000 So the 33 breaks at 2. Just let it go.

03:09:15.000 No.

03:09:17.000 25 is crazy enough.

03:09:21.000 I don't think he's looking at it as just what he does, but that's where his head is.

03:09:27.000 That block party was so next level.

03:09:30.000 You guys broke it in New Orleans, too.

03:09:32.000 Yeah, we broke the attendance record there, too.

03:09:34.000 It was pretty nuts.

03:09:35.000 Yeah, we've had some wild shows.

03:09:37.000 Me and him together are really fun, man.

03:09:39.000 It's like, they're events, man.

03:09:41.000 There's something special about it.

03:09:42.000 Hey, Jamie, that's a great hat.

03:09:43.000 I'm sorry I didn't acknowledge it.

03:09:46.000 Me and Jay.

03:09:47.000 I gotta run, though.

03:09:47.000 I gotta go to the airport.

03:09:48.000 Yeah, it's 12. I have to go to the airport.

03:09:50.000 All right.

03:09:51.000 All right, boys.

03:09:53.000 Wait, wait, wait.

03:09:55.000 I'll be in Philadelphia, Portland, Tampa, Salt Lake City, and Dallas coming up.

03:10:01.000 What'd you want to say?

03:10:02.000 You guys tonight.

03:10:02.000 I'm worried about you guys tonight.

03:10:05.000 You're worried.

03:10:06.000 You're going to Roger Waters.

03:10:07.000 He's worried that you guys are going to fall off.

03:10:09.000 No, but here's the deal.

03:10:10.000 One small piece of paper.

03:10:13.000 One very small piece of paper.

03:10:14.000 All I need, all I need, all we need is 100% transparency.

03:10:19.000 Oh yeah.

03:10:20.000 If something happens, it happens.

03:10:23.000 I'm going pretty, I'm going clean this month.

03:10:25.000 But if you guys smoke marijuana, I will not hold it against you.

03:10:29.000 I don't want you to think your month's over.

03:10:31.000 Are you giving us a free pass?

03:10:32.000 I will tell you this.

03:10:33.000 I'll tell you this much.

03:10:35.000 If you invited me and I went tonight, I would definitely smoke weed.

03:10:38.000 I would, without a doubt.

03:10:40.000 You want to go tonight?

03:10:41.000 I got a fucking show in Youngstown.

03:10:43.000 I would go tonight too if I weren't flying out.

03:10:46.000 I'd love to go see you.

03:10:46.000 So all I'm saying is marijuana's not alcohol.

03:10:49.000 It's not.

03:10:50.000 And you're going to see Pink Floyd.

03:10:51.000 We only put marijuana in just to fuck with Joe that first year.

03:10:54.000 Yeah.

03:10:56.000 I think Joe needs to address his addiction.

03:10:58.000 Pray for Joe.

03:10:59.000 I already addressed it.

03:11:00.000 I think you should be allowed to do an edible.

03:11:03.000 Something acid, edible, mushrooms.

03:11:06.000 Mushrooms, acid, I don't count as sobriety at all.

03:11:08.000 Interesting.

03:11:09.000 I've never counted mushrooms.

03:11:10.000 I mean, neither has...

03:11:12.000 I think AA totally looks past those.

03:11:14.000 Well, AA was founded by a guy who did acid.

03:11:17.000 That's why you quit doing alcohols by acid.

03:11:19.000 Yeah.

03:11:20.000 I'm never doing acid or mushrooms.

03:11:21.000 That's not in my wheelhouse.

03:11:22.000 I'm probably not.

03:11:23.000 Never?

03:11:24.000 Yeah.

03:11:25.000 Why?

03:11:25.000 What?

03:11:26.000 I just don't, it's not where I want to be.

03:11:27.000 Come at me, Joe.

03:11:28.000 What do you mean where you want to be?

03:11:29.000 I don't know.

03:11:29.000 I don't have that brain.

03:11:30.000 We're like, what the fuck?

03:11:31.000 Clear?

03:11:32.000 I did it a few weeks ago.

03:11:33.000 What?

03:11:34.000 Acid?

03:11:34.000 Acid.

03:11:34.000 I did ayahuasca.

03:11:36.000 What?

03:11:36.000 I swear to God.

03:11:36.000 Shut up.

03:11:37.000 I swear.

03:11:38.000 Acid and ayahuasca a few weeks ago?

03:11:40.000 No, not acid.

03:11:40.000 I did mushrooms, ayahuasca.

03:11:42.000 Wait.

03:11:42.000 What?

03:11:43.000 Yeah, I did it.

03:11:43.000 What the fuck are you talking about?

03:11:44.000 That's what I did.

03:11:45.000 Are you lying right now?

03:11:46.000 I swear to God.

03:11:46.000 When did you do ayahuasca?

03:11:47.000 It was here.

03:11:48.000 I did it with a private shaman.

03:11:50.000 How was it?

03:11:51.000 It was amazing.

03:11:52.000 This is a bit.

03:11:53.000 Not a bit.

03:11:54.000 Not a bit.

03:11:55.000 How long did it last?

03:11:57.000 I took it around 4.30 p.m.

03:12:00.000 and I was tripping balls until like 2.30 in the morning.

03:12:04.000 Wow.

03:12:05.000 Yeah.

03:12:06.000 Where'd you do it?

03:12:07.000 I got a suite at a place, like a private place.

03:12:10.000 Wait, why did you do it?

03:12:12.000 Because I just thought I heard great things about it.

03:12:14.000 Yeah, no one has a bad time.

03:12:15.000 How do you bring this up at the end of a goddamn podcast?

03:12:18.000 Well, because you just said that you were going to be gay and I didn't want you to be.

03:12:21.000 Hold on.

03:12:24.000 I'll set it up for you.

03:12:25.000 No fucking way.

03:12:26.000 Last thing I want to see is a snake eat me.

03:12:28.000 No, it's not like that.

03:12:29.000 It was peaceful, no panic, no anxiety, no paranoia.

03:12:33.000 You feel clean?

03:12:35.000 Yeah, yeah.

03:12:35.000 Did you see anything that you want to talk about?

03:12:38.000 No, I mean, I did go for a walk at like 1.30 in the morning on these private grounds, and I thought I saw a fox on this path, and I was like...

03:12:45.000 That's a spirit animal.

03:12:46.000 Well, no, it was a cat, a wild cat, but I didn't know, I couldn't make out what it was, and it froze me for a second, but it was real.

03:12:52.000 What do you think your spirit animal is?

03:12:57.000 I think it has to be a bear.

03:13:01.000 Mine's a bear, and if you want to get merch, go to YMHstudios.com.

03:13:05.000 Hey, hold on.

03:13:06.000 I know you have to leave, but wait, hold on.

03:13:08.000 So wait, did Push do it?

03:13:11.000 No, just me.

03:13:11.000 You just did it by yourself?

03:13:12.000 Yeah.

03:13:13.000 Dude, you are a fucking psycho.

03:13:15.000 That's great, man.

03:13:16.000 Bring me next time.

03:13:17.000 I want to talk to you about it.

03:13:17.000 Let's go.

03:13:18.000 I'll set it up.

03:13:18.000 Let's do it.

03:13:19.000 We could do it as like a group even.

03:13:21.000 Let's fucking go.

03:13:22.000 Let's fucking not.

03:13:23.000 I'm in Oklahoma City.

03:13:24.000 Okay, you don't have to, Bert.

03:13:24.000 I think we should.

03:13:26.000 You should put the Kool-Aid aside for a night.

03:13:28.000 Yeah.

03:13:28.000 I want to talk to you about it.

03:13:29.000 It's amazing.

03:13:29.000 Okay.

03:13:30.000 Ari, what's your spirit animal?

03:13:32.000 The shaman I had was throwing this waxy stuff into the fire and you'll see shapes and stuff and every once in a while I'll throw more in there and I saw a fucking weird poodle.

03:13:42.000 Maybe it's that.

03:13:43.000 Or an aardvark.

03:13:45.000 Maybe an aardvark because of my nose.

03:13:47.000 Ari the poodle.

03:13:48.000 I don't know, but I don't know what spirit animal is.

03:13:51.000 What's your animal?

03:13:51.000 Yeah, what's yours?

03:13:52.000 It's gotta be a wolf.

03:13:54.000 Chipmunk.

03:13:54.000 I think it's probably a wolf.

03:13:55.000 Surprising.

03:13:56.000 Gorilla.

03:13:57.000 Wild chimp.

03:13:58.000 I had a dream once where I was a wolf.

03:14:00.000 I had a dream when I could smell rain.

03:14:02.000 It was me and some other animals, and we were closing in on a deer, and we could smell rain.

03:14:08.000 I remember smelling things.

03:14:10.000 There's no way you could smell it.

03:14:13.000 And then I woke up, because I realized that I was doing it.

03:14:15.000 I was like, what the fuck is this?

03:14:16.000 It was too real.

03:14:17.000 But it was like in a rain forest.

03:14:20.000 And I could smell things that I just could not...

03:14:23.000 There's no way you could smell it.

03:14:25.000 I could smell fear.

03:14:26.000 We were looking at this animal and we're communicating telepathically, me and these other animals.

03:14:31.000 I think it was a wolf.

03:14:33.000 But I remember smelling rain.

03:14:35.000 Damn.

03:14:35.000 I could smell the rain.

03:14:37.000 I could smell fear.

03:14:38.000 I could smell this animal's anxiety as it's moving slowly through the bushes, like trying to avoid predators.

03:14:45.000 And I was like, this is too real.

03:14:47.000 And I woke up.

03:14:48.000 Wow.

03:14:48.000 I promise you'd like this experience.

03:14:50.000 I will not.

03:14:51.000 And we will be talking about this next week on Two Bears One Cave.

03:14:54.000 You can't drink for eight days after this.

03:14:55.000 Do not talk to anyone else about this.

03:14:57.000 Do you understand me?

03:14:58.000 Fucks it up.

03:14:58.000 Still working in your system.

03:14:59.000 Really?

03:15:00.000 Fucks what up?

03:15:01.000 Fucks up the effects.

03:15:02.000 And the guy told me, he was like, don't fuck with it.

03:15:05.000 No sex, no alcohol.

03:15:06.000 You're going to say I'm fine.

03:15:07.000 Don't fuck with it.

03:15:08.000 This is how well I know Tom.

03:15:09.000 He's been antsy about leaving for the last 20 minutes because I've been watching you do your little knee thing where you're like...

03:15:16.000 We've got a show.

03:15:17.000 We've got things to do.

03:15:19.000 Boys, I love you.

03:15:20.000 Love you guys.

03:15:20.000 Love you very much.

03:15:21.000 Have a good time tonight.

03:15:22.000 We're going to have a good time tonight.

03:15:24.000 Have fun.

03:15:24.000 Eat an edible.

03:15:26.000 Bye, everybody.

The Joe Rogan Experience - October 07, 2022

Joe Rogan Experience #1879 - Sober October 4

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